- Got it, sir One thousand Give the money to the secretary Lesson Three. Don't give money to your seniors. Take from them What...? - This I shall explain later Human beings were divided in two at the beginning of creation Do you know? - Yes, man and woman One is down beside the lake, one under that tree, for the third... you will have to climb the hillock. Go Man and woman? No, I was talking of another divide This dichotomy is of great significance It is the divide between winners and losers... between the ones above and the ones down under If you don't belong up there, you belong down there In the game that is life, there are no draws You either win, or you lose. And the winner... is right on top. And the ones on top, aren't the ones down under Got it? - Yes You haven't got a thing! Even I didn't understand what I was saying Tell me the truth. Do you, or don't you understand? Lesson five. If you don't understand something, say it. Understand? Eat Oh why...? Why is this happening to me? Why does the heart miss someone so suddenly? These little takes, oh why? Those awkward moments of meeting a stranger... are gone. Today, in many hues he torments my heart Oh why, that awkwardness in moments when I met yesterday's stranger? Oh why, today these shades of blue torment my heart? Oh, such strange moments Before I have dreamt my dream... The palace I dreamt of has shattered Oh why... Oh why is this happening to my life? Why does the heart miss someone so suddenly? These little takes, oh why? I stand on the same road... I am taking the same journey But I haven't with me, my fellow traveller My eyes seek everywhere on the same road; the journey is the same But my fellow-traveller is not with me My eyes seek... upon the same road Oh where are gone, those evenings of ecstasy? Oh where are gone, my days when he was mine? Oh why... Oh why is this happening to my life? Why does the heart miss someone so suddenly? These little takes, oh why? Time was when, like you, I too was in love Look at this. I loved her so much, I never imagined she wouldn't be mine But I didn't get her. - Why? My foolishness. Anyway, forget those old tales Your training is over. Tomorrow, you leave Don't be foolish enough to lose in love, like I did This I expect from a young man like you. Remember one thing In love, nothing is unfair And Arun, I have begun to take a special liking for you You know why? - No Were you dumb, like me? Not that. Today I have the money, the mansions, the respectability... and yet I have nothing. Guess why? - Why? Because I don't have my Prabha Yes Arun. She's the one, whom I miss. And I have everything, yet nothing Her name was Prabha too. Well, so I didn't get Prabha But I have always tried to bring man and woman together I'm travelling with you to Bombay on business. And I'll also see... how you capitalise on my training Where have you been? - Away on work You didn't even inform me. - So Nagesh, what's happening? Prabha and I won the doubles. - Really? Prabha, I'll wait for you ahead Go on Looks like Arun is back. - Yes Will you say something? - Today Nagesh... Finish laughing. We'll talk afterwards. - Listen! Holiday over? Stand up and wish me Say it What happened? What is the matter? Why are you screaming Give me the Bluebird statements. - Not ready yet What have you been doing? It's all wrong I'll be back Add it up But I checked it. - Then how did this happen? I'll correct it, and I'll bring it back Forget it. I'll do it. Get me the register In whatever condition it is, I want to check it Won't you check it? - Get the statements first The statements aren't ready yet. In a day or two... I want all the statements ready tomorrow. Work overtime if need be I'll do it. - I'll do it, sir Sahib, someone is here to see you Keep this money. Enjoy yourself. And don't you ever get smart with me Never! Send the gentleman in. - Yes sir All this has to be typed today. Why aren't these statements ready yet? You're going to work tonight till it's over, get it? Go I won't move your leave application until the Bluebird job is done And you... why are you staring at me? Get me a cup of tea Have you sent someone to the garage? - My room-mate is going there tomorrow I hear there's an old motorcycle for sale. Can you show me? Sold. - Sold? 1925 make...? British-made? Royal Enfield? - Yes, I sold it For how much? - 3,000 Who was he? - Some crazy fellow. Get to work Who's Arun? Fine What? Prabha is coming too? No, I'll bring her along No, I'll come on my own Who is this? Let me see Arun on the line. - Give me Fixed? Who's Samovar? I'll be there Please take a seat. - It's all right Look, inside her womb, this woman has an elephant, a bird inside This is Prabha. She works for Frank and Lloyd This is Colonel Singh. - And I work nowhere How is your work going on? - Fine And how is your work going on? - Which work? Apart from work at home, and work at office, could there be any other work? Prabha, let me reserve a table. Please keep each other company Get back soon Yes? - Lovely name How long have you known Arun? - Just a while How do you find him? I like him. - He's nice I wanted to know whether you like him or not Let's go to the restaurant. We'll find a place Which means that you don't like him? - No, that's not the case You like him, and you don't like him? Is it that tough a question Shall I tell you something? Your name reminds me of another Prabha She was in love with a boy. But they never got together in life Why couldn't they get together? - They should've got together, no? Yes, if their love was true. - That's what I wanted to hear from you Here comes Arun. Got the table? - Yes. Let's go Do you need me? - What? I want to take a look at the paintings. You go on Come Prabha, where have you been? I wanted to bring you along Arun, you ask me to get Prabha along, and here you are, with her Prabha wanted to do some shopping. I thought I'd give her company Shopping for what? - What women shop for... can't always be made public What are we eating? Nagesh, why don't you lunch with us? Is Peter in the kitchen? Tell him this is Mr Nagesh's order. What? Peter has quit. - What? Well, whoever it is... ask him to make it well. 3 chicken Alapurz, and... We don't make French dishes anymore. - What...? Let's try Chinese today. - Yes, let's go Peter has quit? No more Chicken Alapurz? How was that? - A la grande Now we're going for Chinese. - Where? Flora. - Wait! Forgot D'souza? He lied for you Five for you. And give Peter five Would you like something? - Of course. Chicken Alapurz One chicken Alapurz, and ask Peter to do it well Today! The flowers are blossoming My dreams are hues of gold Every morning dawns golden Every evening is a splash of red Your fragrance touches the breeze, touches you... makes me ecstatic My heart flies... to a meeting in the skies Open your heart to the colours in your priceless dreams At chess, Nagesh is unbeatable. - Why is Arun taking on Nagesh? That's a great move. You win. - Play on. This is just my 3rd move And I haven't checkmated you yet. - What use playing? I can see it clearly. At move 7, you will take my knight Move 8, I take your pawn. In moves 13 and 14, I lose my bishops Yes, I can take that knight of yours. In move 17... no, on move 19... you check me. Move 20, mate. In the 1970 internationals... Grand Master Klotozov played exactly this game Yes? You have a 1925 Royal Enfield for sale? - Sold When? - A month and a half ago How much did you sell it for? - 3,000 Why? - I'm willing to pay 6,000 for it You need it? - Can you find the man you sold it to? Yes Keep 500. Advance. Find out, and get back to me at this address The paint-chrome job is over. But it will run for a mile at most All I want is half a mile out of it. Here you are Luck is when the fish walks into the net! Get lost I was passing by. I thought I'd drop by to congratulate you. You deserve it too Congratulations? What for? - It won the Pune Cantonment races It won? - Didn't you read it in The Times? When you sold it, you didn't say it runs only on 93 octane... and for every five litres of gas, it burns up a litre of lube Only after I went through the manual, I found out... that a jet was missing from the carburettor. At last... I found one at Pune. Imported parts aren't available everywhere Sorry if you have been inconvenienced unnecessarily. We'll buy it back In Pune, Colonel Singh was persistent. He asked me where I found it What name did you say? - Julius Nagendra Nath Wilfred Singh Sit, please be seated. Abdul, get a cold drink Have you sold it to the Colonel? - Why should I? The world over, there are only six of these left A company in London is looking for this model for an exhibition They don't even have one. So they advertised... in all the papers all over the world. You must've read it Sahib, I'm an illiterate. I sold it because I needed the cash How would I know? I never even took a look at it in three years... What was that about 3 years? - Forget it sahib Give the bike back to me. - You expect me to do that? I didn't give it to the Colonel. - You are rich! By God's grace... you can buy a new one! It's my companion of 25 years Please give it back to me. - But... Let him have it sahib. You are a gentleman. He was very foolish I have spent some 800 bucks on it. - I'll give you 4,000 for it Cash? - Yes, right now He's a moron. All brawn, no brains. He's going to be grateful for this Here's 4,000, sahib On one condition. - Sure You will let me ride this bike whenever a race comes up A hundred times, yes! Consider this yours. Please take the money Won't you count it? - Not necessary Shall I call a taxi? Abdul... - Not necessary. I'll walk What brings you here? - Nothing in particular Don't you touch that. It isn't for sale Are you out of your mind? Will I ever buy this? What are you looking for? - Nothing in particular See you Here's the 500, you paid at the garage I could say you're very near to success. I'm going to Baroda for a couple of days Another Arun in a fix? - You could say that I'm not needed here, am I? - Take your time Just a matter of a couple of days. - Just a couple of days Let me call a cab for you One must walk. Brisk walk is best for health. Get it? Walking is best Colonel Julius... etc Singh? From Khandala? Julius Nagendra Nath Wilfred Singh. - Yes, are you? Right. - So you are coaching him? Coaching him, yes. But not in letters Are you the one who's leading him from the drawing room to the bedroom? In 3 simple moves. - Written by David Abraham? An old friend. What's your problem? - This is going to be your problem Really? - Yes What's this? Come Prabha, sit. Sorry to call you during the lunch break. It's urgent What's the matter? - The matter is quite serious You must stop seeing Arun. - Why? He's trying to seduce you. - What are you saying? He has learnt all the tricks. I suspected this when he took us... to the Chinese restaurant. Being in love with you is just a sham The intention is quite something else. - What else could be the intention? You don't know why a man chases a woman? No seeing him from now on. - But he has called me this evening Where to? - To his house He doesn't have a house. - He has one, in Bandra He's going to use the classic ploy From drawing room to bedroom in three moves Have you read David Abraham? - What moves? There will be no one at home. Romantic music will be playing He will treat you to condiments laced with sedatives Arun will be smoking. An ignited matchstick... will fall on your dress. You're going to get out of the dress At which point of time, someone knocks on the door, and you enter his bedroom The bedroom will have only one bed. He walks in... he makes you sit on the bed' lights out, and... Shut up Nagesh. Arun isn't so lowly. - How am I bothered? Go on, fall into the trap. - Of course I'm going Only to see whether you're saying the truth Are you out of your mind? I too have a responsibility towards you No, I'm not going to let you go. - No Nagesh. I will go Let me see how much he loves me. But if this is true... No need to go. Come, let's watch a movie together Business in Baroda done? - Done Tomorrow, we're leaving. Business here is over too I have to meet Arun once. - Arun had telephoned He has invited Ms Prabha. Tonight. - Tonight? Yes. - Where? He has hired a place in Bandra. - What's his hurry? I must go! Do you know where in Bandra? - I don't quite know But he gave an address. - Let me have it Any problem, sir? - He's being foolish Prabha is a nice girl. She loves him, I'm sure. He needn't use ploys Should I accompany you, sir? - No, you stay here If Arun calls, tell him to do nothing until I have arrived Staying here this evening? What is the matter, Prabha? - What if Arun does something like...? What has Arun done? Let's go Don't be morose. Come to my place. My sister has just arrived from Delhi No, not tonight. I must see Arun. Maybe for the last time Won't you tell me? - Not now. Let me see what he does No problem finding the house? - No How is the place? - Nice Have a paan. It's made with Benares condiments No, I don't feel like it Sit Prabha. Why are you standing? You live here alone? You know very well, I'm not married. - I mean, no one else lives here? As of now, no one That act of being in love is a sham, intent being something quite different What is the matter? Why are you so silent? Do have a paan I'm not silent. Why don't you sit? Since when have you started smoking? - I smoke sometimes. When I'm alone You aren't alone now, aren't you? Why, who else is here? Arun will be smoking. An ignited matchstick will fall on your dress Surprised? Why did you have to do all this? Don't you have faith in me? I don't know why, but I was always afraid about losing you You could've asked me at least. - Had I the courage to ask... For something as trivial... See who it is No one need come now Why have you come here? - I'm going to send you both to jail! Later! Now get out of here! - No! First I'm going inside! There you are! Why didn't you come to Metro? Look, here are the tickets Did Arun seduce you? Rogue! Look at Prabha ever again, and I'm going to flay you alive! No need to worry. I'm with you. Come on I'm not worried. And you needn't be here. Get it? We have decided to get married Now I can rest assured. - You shut up! Prabha, what are you saying? All these are ploys. Foisted by him! This is a lie! I'm going to send the two of them to jail! You'll see By all means. But must you intrude into such delicate moments? You have two tickets to the theatre. Let's watch the movie As for them, they've taken a decision. - What decision? Why don't you say... all this is a ruse you've worked? - Not ruse, son. This is art You can call it philosophy, or science. - Science? Bullshit! Just ploys... to seduce innocent girls! The two of them are together... thanks to your ploys. And you are the one who will separate them now Who can separate them? Their love is true, they are sincere They don't need my art, they don't need my ploys I only show the light to the blind But where there is light, my little lamp is of no use After the wedding, make sure you bring Prabha over to my place And son... the art of getting a grip on your life... What? - You won't get to know through letters Take a month off. Come to live with me. You'll surely find another Prabha Arun too upheld the legacy of Jackson Tolaram They married After the wedding, in accordance with the Colonel's wishes... Mr and Mrs Arun Pradeep travelled to Khandala to meet Colonel sahib The Colonel blessed them and he gave them a gift. 1000 Rupees He returned his fee. When truth shines, what use are fees and the art? Who is this? Yes, it's Nagesh. He has taken a month's leave. Leave without pay He's coming to take lessons from the Colonel sahib He has a story to tell too. But that's for later So Nagesh enlists with the Colonel Anyway, forget him. As of you should send them a congratulatory telegram Number Eight reads: Our best wishes for a happy marriage forever Henry IV Part II Written by William Shakespeare. Here, ho! Hold! What's he that goes there? I am Robert Shallow, sir, a poor esquire of this country. Duke of Norfolk! Archbishop of York! Most royal imp of fame! - The young prince hath misled me! - 'Tis so. And he my dog. Helter-skelter have I rode to thee. Never so few, and never yet more need. Is your master here in London? - On two leathern jerkins? - Yea. A good wit will make use of any thing. - What! - You'll crack a quart together, ha! I have speeded hither with the very extremest inch of possibility. Through Gloucestershire... - Where have you been this while? - We steal upon them. In London? That can hardly be. - What's this? - 'Tis Gaultree Forest. As far as France, I heard a bird so sing, or it will seek me in another place. Nay, they will be kin to us. How now! Rain within doors and none abroad? Not so, my lord. Albeit I could tell thee. - I cannot well perceive how. - Hold hook and line, say I. Very hardly upon such a subject. For in every thing, the purpose must weigh with the folly. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? 'Tis no matter. Tell thou the Earl that the Lord Bardolph doth attend him here. That light and weightless down perforce must move, her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. I beseech you! - Is't not so? - By my troth, I care not! A' shall answer it. Some pigeons, Davy. A couple of short-legged hens. But in new silk and old sack. - 'Tis with my mind. - 'Tis so, indeed. What said Master Dombledon about the satin for my short cloak and slops? That makes a still-stand, running neither way, which cannot go but thirty mile a-day. That he should draw his several strengths together! Now, sir, a new link to the bucket must need be had. Like a rib of steel, to make strength stronger. - Hanging on Hotspur's neck? - Yea. O, give me the spare men! O, give me the spare men! Seven groats. - Here I yield him. - Seven groats. - Not that I am dead! - What's this? - Here's four Harry ten shillings. - Not that I am dead! - Though that be sick, it dies not. - Why, he is dead. - No, no, my lord! - Not so. - He cannot long hold out. - Better than I was! The apoplexy will certain be his end. Is this proceeding just and honourable? - I had as lief be hanged as go! - What a maidenly man-at-arms! - I confess, I cannot help. - I am well. - For my old dame's sake. - I cannot. You can do it, sir. He is retired. I must a dozen mile to-night. - When, I pray you, sir? - O' Thursday. - Ho! Who knocks? - By cock and pie, you shall not. - Not able to invent anything? - Happy am I! - I thank thee with all my heart. - O' Thursday. - Who's here? - Falstaff's men, as I think. - How now? - Bunches of keys at their girdles. - Old Mistress! - Fellow! Give me pardon, sir. What's he that goes there? - Two and twenty. - What's this? I am only old in judgment and understanding. - Doth any name particular belong? - My name is Colevile. - I never knew. - Did not care. You must excuse me. God forbid, sir, but... I will not excuse you, you shall not be excused. - I am the King's poor cousin, sir. - My king! My Jove! How is this derived? In deeds dishonourable. Ever in the rearward of the fashion, when means and lavish manners meet together. - If I have any vantage of ground... - Look about, Davy. - How doth the good knight? - May I ask how my lady doth? I am the king's poor cousin. Who keeps the gate here, ho? - Which king? - Of England. - What pagan may that be? - Such kin as the parish heifers. I would be sorry, my lord, but it should be thus, I never knew. Now the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great fool. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard... - As if there were nothing else. - I speak the truth. I beseech you, stand to me. Who keeps the gate here, ho? Honest Ned, none. - Under which king? - None, Ned, none. What? We are a body strong enough to equal with the king. Call we our high court of parliament. And let us choose such limbs of noble counsel at Clement's Inn, by my learned counsel in the laws of this land-service. - A two-fold operation... - Be quiet! - For God's sake, be quiet! - Up, vanity! Down, royal state! - Why, there spoke a king. - A foutre for thine office! - It not belongs to you. - How comes that? The butcher's wife, neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, whose bosom burns, to us the imagined voice of God himself that I am a proper fellow of my hands. Then plain and right must my possession be. A poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house is no excuse. With well-appointed powers, he is a man who with double surety binds, and it proceeds from policy, not love. Be quiet! Doth this become your place, your time and business - because you have been so lewd? - Be quiet! And then imagine me taking your part, and never live to show the incredulous world! For God's sake, be quiet! Be quiet! See now, whether entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong. Be quiet! Good people, bring a rescue or two! - Thou bastardly rogue! - Dost thou hear? Thou see'st with peril I have answered. The thewes, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man! I am Robert Shallow, a poor esquire of this county. I would have you served with the best to be a cold soldier. What say thou to it? Wilt thou? Wilt thou? I could be sad, and sad indeed too. - Follow no further now. - What's this? Follow no further now. I will not use many words with you. Death is certain. Go to, stand aside! I will bar no honest man. Very well! - Do ye yield, sir? - 'Tah', would a' say. - He you not hurt i' the groin? - No, I warrant you. - A' made a thrust at your belly. - By my troth, I care not. - You lie! - Come, you she knight-errant! I came, saw, and overcame! O God, that right should thus overcome... - Come, you rascal. - Wo't ta? I will have you! Let that suffice, most forcible Feeble. I weary thee? O foolish youth! And dead almost. - It is often so, indeed. - Look you! It never yet did hurt. - Hold! - Bullcalf! Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? Come, I charge you both! - Thou wo't, wo't ta? - Come here, Pistol! - What tell you me of it? - A man can die but once! You'll be a fool still. He saw me, and yielded, that I may justly say! Come, you thin thing! I'll tell you what. Let us withdraw. Follow me, Ned. How swiftly will this Feeble run off! Come, you rogue, come, bring me to a justice. I'll tickle your catastrophe! London. A street. Here's Wart! See her damned! See her damned! Here's Wart! Let the fiend give fire! - Is she of the wicked? - She is pistol proof, sir. Come hither, hostess. There's none such here. There's none such here. But in vile apparel. - Your son did thus and thus. - Not so, my lord. He gave it like a rude prince. - Well, be honest. - That I may justly say. - That errant malmsey-nose? - His hat, but he hath forgot that. - Didst thou? - No, no! In some respects. She comes blubbered. What accites your most worshipful thought to think so? A beard grow in the palm of my hand. How do you now? Better than I was, hem! Let the fiend give fire! Be quiet! Be quiet! The answer is as ready as a borrower's cap. - What say you to it? - It never yet did hurt. What tell you me of it? Tortures vile! Whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked? - More rushes! - Boots! The reason? - Because you have been so lewd? - Well said! - How do you now? - You make fat rascals. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth? O Lord, ay! Doth it turn and ebb back to the sea? - No, not so. - Throw the quean in the channel! Doth nothing but roast malt-worms? - Cakes! - Apple-johns? - Small beer? - Gravy, gravy, gravy! - Mouldy stewed prunes! - Dining-chambers! - Metal. - A Barbary hen. 'Tis so. And so, if her feathers turn back, she must be old. Therefore... Scullion! - A Barbary hen! - A Barbary hen! The purpose must weigh with the folly. Let the fiend give fire! Take them away! Away, you scullion! Be it as it is. I have long dream'd of such a kind of man, so surfeit-swell'd. I am the king's poor cousin, sir. My most royal liege! Will it please your grace to go along with us and commit the oldest sins? O pardon me, my liege! - What's your name, sir? - Master Bardolph. And dub me knight, Samingo, Esquire of this county. Simon Shadow! Come, thou shalt go to the wars in a gown. We've a number of shadows to fill up the muster-book. Ralph Mouldy. Thomas Wart. I commend you well. Francis Feeble, as valiant as the wrathful dove, or most magnanimous mouse, washing with kindly tears his gentle cheeks. O, give me always a little, lean, old, chapt, bald shot. Stopping my greedy ear with their bold deeds, through the chamber where we stay'd. Your likeliest men. And I myself know well how troublesome it say upon my head. It is a wonderful thing to see. Teacheth, this prostrate and exterior bending. - Yea, my lord. - But look! - Warwick! - Warwick! But that's no marvel. By my troth, welcome to London. Let us take any man's horses! These six dry, round, old, withered knights and lusty lads roam here and there so merrily. We shall do nothing but eat, and make good cheer. These six dry, round, old, withered knights. Thou dost give me flattering busses. Not worth a gooseberry. For my voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing. In England the most valiant. Quick, forgetive. Put on leathern jerkins and aprons and wait upon him at his table. Be it thy course to busy giddy minds. I stand the push of your one thing. Let that suffice. Let us sway on. - For these foolish officers. - Right. Davy, Davy. Most royal imp of fame! Hang him, swaggering rascal! I cannot abide swaggerers. - You must excuse me. - You shall not be excused. I have borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off. - Wherefore blush you now? - I spied his eyes. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head. - Will you not! - Yes, sir. Humphrey, my son of Gloucester, there's a tester for thee, let the end try the man. - It will be an excellent stratagem. - It is good, yea, indeed it is. There 'tis, boy. A parcel-gilt goblet. Learn this, Thomas, see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise. But to the purpose and so to the venture. - God's blessing of your good heart! - And praise God for the merry year! Hold! Good morrow! Good morrow! Hie thee! Who, he? A good-limbed fellow, young, strong, and of good friends. Who keeps the gate here, ho? Who keeps the gate here? Good Master Fang. Go, pluck him by the elbow, upon the power and puissance of the king. If without him we be thought too feeble England shall give him office, honour, might. I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray. He may keep his own. - What's this? - Thy peach-coloured ones! You mistake me, sir. 'Tis very true. If I do feign. How might we see? You shall not! Thou art a very ragged wart. I know not your breeding. From every region, apes of idleness! - What tell you me of it? - About thy business, Davy! Shall we go draw our numbers and set on? So, so, thou common dog! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I charge you with a cup of sack! You whoreson, chops. - This is a poor mad soul. - Thou must not be in this humour... I cannot endure such a fustian rascal, thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig! I kiss thy neaf! Thy mother's son, and thy father's shadow! There are other men fitter? Away! Or I will ride thee o' nights like the mare. Fie! What man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? If you be not swinged, I'll... Jesu! Right! Go forth! Run! Run! Hang him, baboon! Comfort, your majesty. - What? - Like a horse. Let me see. Instruct us, boy, what dream, boy? The prince and Master Poins anon, will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, one power against the French. He leaves his back unarm'd. Who should lead his force hither? King Henry IV in his nightgown, with a Page. Sit down and... Come on, I'll tell thee what... Fly from the field! - Learn this, Thomas. Take note. - Look to 't! Hope gives not so much warrant as despair. The French and Welsh baying him at the heels. Every minute now should be the father of some stratagem if God doth give successful end to this debate that bleedeth. And so, with great imagination, better satisfied how in our means we should advance. This is the news at full. Poins! Another part of the forest. Each hurries toward his home and sporting-place. Came spurring hard a gentleman, almost forspent with speed, puffed up with this retinue. Bravely is to come halting off, you know. O wondrous him! O miracle of men! Turning the word to sword and life to death. Gravy, gravy, gravy. Then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? To come off the breach with his pike bent bravely. And to surgery bravely. His flesh was capable of wounds, his pike bent, his ears cut off. His poor jade up to the rowel-head, his poll clawed... Less noise, less noise! Look about, Davy. Thus have you heard our cause and known our means. Is't such a matter to get a pottle-pot's maidenhead? What's he that goes there? A most furious knight and valorous enemy... Be quiet! None, my lord. - I am passing light in spirit. - What say you to it? To sword and... Be quiet! Nothing without sack. To borrow a mess of vinegar. That can hardly be! I am a true knight. - At the round table? - 'Tis so. - I banish thee, on pain of death. - Is't so? - I cannot think. - What think you? - Murder. - Let them go. Be quiet! And now thou! Draw, Bardolph, cut me off the villain's head! - Hang yourself! - Yea, for my sake! - His tongue sounds ever after. - You take not the heat. - What's this? - Thou disgorge. You have drunk too much canaries. - Because you have been so lewd. - Let's drink together friendly. Quoit him down. Then feed, and be fat. - Not that. - O' mine honour, no abuse. - Let's beat him before his whore. - Yea! - The rascal's gone. - Fled from me like quicksilver. Retreat is made and execution stay'd. Hurries toward his home. You mistake me, sir. And for a retreat, how swiftly will this Feeble, the woman's tailor, run! - Of those that turn'd their backs. - Not so! And in his flight, stumbling in fear. - No, no, no, not so. - He leaves his back unarm'd. - You lie! - Furious knight and valorous enemy. O never! The wet sea-boy in an hour so rude. Look to the door there! Look to the door there! Look to the door there! I' good faith! Hie thee! Welcome, my tall fellow. Welcome to London. The pox pinches? I would to God my name were not so terrible. Let me but bear your love, I'll bear your cares. The heavens thee guard and keep? - What's this? - The Prince of Wales! Where is he? Sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. - Mouldy! Wart! - Here, here! Patch up thine old body for heaven. By God's liggens, I thank thee. Away, varlets! You have here a goodly dwelling and a rich. You were called "lusty Shallow" then? A gentleman well bred. By the mass, I was called any thing. - Come, come! - I beseech you! Where's the roll? Let me see! My lord, this is a poor mad soul! Lo, here it sits. What foolish master taught you these manners? I am here, full of heaviness, so dull, so dead in look, so woe-begone. You see, my good wenches, our thighs pack'd with wax, our mouths with honey, there is nobody cares. That it is a shame. Sweating with desire, thinking of nothing else. How men of merit are sought after. Come, come, come, off with your boots! - The young king is sick for me! - Nothing but well to thee. The immortal part needs a physician. Then happy low, lie down. Whose mare's dead? What's the matter? What trade art thou? With all appliances and means to boot. Sweetheart, lie thou there. Well, God mend him! I pray you. - Be cool'd. - There is no need of any such. Must you be blushing? - Though that be sick, it dies not. - I beseech you. No more of that! - I will not be your suitor! - Silence to bed! No more, nay! Where's the roll? I saw it! - There's none such here. - But these mine eyes saw him! - I saw it... - Hie thee. I am the king's poor cousin, sir. - You must excuse me. - Whither away? Where is the crown? Lo, here it sits! No, no, no, not so! - The fiend! - What's this? Is she of the wicked? She is in hell already, and burns poor souls. - 'Tis not ten years gone. - Canst thou deny it? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? God send the wench no worse fortune! My fear is your displeasure. Our watch-word was 'Hem boys! ' I am glad of it. For thy humours, there's not a better. I have heard better. Wilt thou make as many holes in battle as thou hast in a petticoat? To the purpose! To the purpose! To the purpose! As to one, it pleases me. To the purpose! Is she of the wicked? God send the wench no worse fortune! Whether she be damned for that, I know not. Answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy this woman. A foutre! After you have laboured so hard you should talk. - Do this, and fig me. - Do me, do me. I pray thee now, deliver them like a man of this world. After this cold considerance, sentence me. Very well. - Sir John! - Ho. You loiter here too long! - No, not so! - Away, you scullion! - 'Tis so. - We will lead on to higher fields! Happy am I! - I must wait upon my lord here! - Let me have him to sit under! - Come, no more words of it. - I know how to handle you! Let him not 'scape. I think we are a body strong enough. Never so few, never yet more need. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge, full hogshead? Cankers! - You live in great infamy. - Nay, not so much. - With danger there. - But I must go and meet with danger. - Fears too certain. - My lord, my humble duty remembered. - You must away to court, sir. - Let me have five hundred. - But the disease is incurable. - Puff! Not so. Westmoreland and Stafford fled the field. But the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other. The Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland, scarcely off a mile, with youthful wings is flown. But that the tennis-court-keeper knows better. And more and less do flock to follow him. If like an ill venture it come unluckily home... To the purpose! Our humble author will continue the story, in which you, father, shall have foremost hand, I heard a bird so sing, whose music, to my thinking... This man's brow foretells the nature of a tragic volume? Where sups he? Doth the old boar feed in the old frank? He holds his place. A place deep enough. And lusty lads roam here and there? For, lo! Within a ken, lies the head that wears a crown, which blows no man to good. Where is the crown? To the block of death! The windmill in Saint George's field? What shall I say you are? - He which says the dead is not! - Not he which says the dead is not! - 'Tis so. - Who's here? I will maintain the word with my sword, by yea and nay! Turning the word to sword and life to death. Grant of our most just and right desires. We are in the vaward of our youth and sweating with desire to see him. We will eat a last year's pippin, if you give o'er. - What is your good pleasure with me? - Give me... Shallow's orchard! What! I beseech you! Well, you shall have it. Give me your doublet and stuff me out with straw, or the other plays the rogue with my great toe. Your demands are just. My lord, we will do so. - One that draws. - For certain. - As good as heart can wish. - Yea. Go forth! Hold! Hold! Away, you mouldy rogue! Do, do, thou rogue! You filthy bung, away! Fie! This is hot weather. Young Hotspur's case at Shrewsbury. The ruins of thy linen shall inherit his kingdom. - These fly-bitten tapestries? - No, no, no, not so. London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap. - There is your crown. - Madam... I am the fellow. Master Shallow, no more of that. If you knew what pains I have bestow'd to breed this. We first survey the plot. How troublesome it sat upon my head, to mock the expectation of the world. Into the sea! What do we then but draw anew the model. All the soil of the achievement goes with me into the earth. Now doth it turn and ebb back to the sea. Four of which you please. 'Fore God, you have here, a goodly dwelling and a rich. - Well, I am loath to... - What? But my lungs are wasted so! For God's sake, be quiet. Thou art to marry his sister Nell. There's not a better wench in England. But I am thrust upon it. - Mistress Doll... - Clarence. Though thou stand'st more sure than I could do, thou art not firm enough! I cannot endure such a fustian rascal. O foolish youth! What's the matter? A proper gentlewoman. And those two things, land and beefs. I know, but I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly, it is a wonderful thing. Peace! Marry, I tell thee. Hence, therefore, thou nice crutch! Officers! He that wears the crown immortally, long guard it yours! No, I will sit and watch here by the king. Till his face be like a wet cloak. Till you do live to see a son of mine. Stay but a little. Let him not 'scape. - Doth the king call? - Yea, indeed. He came not through the chamber where we stay'd. This from thee will I to mine leave. As 'tis left to me. 'Tis so? - O, if... - What say you to it? Was this easy? Hold him sure, good Master Snare, let him not 'scape. 'Tis so? Will't please your grace to go along with us? No, no, no. Hold him sure. To be accommodated, which is an excellent thing. If thou gettest any leave of me... - Hold him sure, good Master Snare. - Till these rebels now afoot... - Me alone. - Leave us here alone. - Come hither. - Come hither. - Right? - Sir, you shall not away tonight. Let him not 'scape. Sir, pardon? Let him not 'scape. - The Prince of Wales! - Let him not 'scape. Yea, marry, there's the point, but if without him. I cannot well perceive how, unless you should give me your doublet. - Is't so? - 'Tis so, indeed. Right. - Whither away? - Coming to look on you. No, no, no, not so, let him not 'scape. 'Accommodo' very good. Less noise, less noise! Get on thy boots! And no food! Go, wash thy face. - Exceeding good command! - I thank thee. And again would a' come, and away again would a' go! 'Bounce' would a' say! Follow me, Ned! There's a letter for you. Yet speak, Morton! "To Thomas Mowbray, Duke of Norfolk. "I have drunk too much sack. "Must I marry your sister? "Good people, bring a rescue or two. "In the windmill in Saint George's field." I have heard the word! Like unto the sign of the leg! O sweet Pistol! Slain outright! Not that I am dead. A' drew a good bow, and dead! I think we are a body strong enough. Ah, sirrah. - I am your shadow, I'll follow you. - Mouldy, stay at home. I will bid you good night, in my pure and immaculate... - Valour? - Valour! - Being sick, have made me well. - Well, sweet Jack, have a care. Doth the man of war stay all night, sir? Yea. - Good morrow. - Good morrow. Follow no further now... I will stoop and humble my intents. I come to... Pardon me, sir. - Have you read over the letters? - Well, my lord. - A rescue! A rescue! - See what... I have drawn it in my fantasy. I know the young king is sick for me... Hold! Hold! - What's he that goes there? - My lord, your son! - Not thou. - I am Robert Shallow, sir. - A rescue! - Let that suffice. There hath been a man or two lately killed. O, pardon me. - Indeed, sir, to my cost. - You must excuse me. Never fear that. We ready are to try our fortunes. To see how many of my old acquaintance are dead. - By'r lady, I think a' be. - I can get no remedy against this. Make friends with speed! - Brother, son, and all are dead. - I mean not to. - For the man is dead that you beat. - O majesty! Did he suspire? A good heart's worth gold. I ran from Shrewsbury, my noble lord... Say, Morton, didst thou come from Shrewsbury? Here! - I am, sir, under the king. - A goodly dwelling and a rich. - Has he land and beefs. - Is't so? Give me your hand, sir! - Will you sup with me, Master Gower? - Thou'rt a good fellow. Come on! I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. Jesu, Jesu, the mad days that I have spent! Never fear that. The perfumed chambers of the great, under the canopies of costly state. - He is coming hither! - Boys and beggary. Hold! - I beseech you! - O, pardon me. Headstrong riot hath no curb. You must excuse me. I see him break Skogan's head! Peace! Peace! From the court! Let him come in. A most furious knight and valorous enemy. Take heed what guests you receive. - Hie thee. - He stabbed me! Peace! Peace! This strained passion doth you wrong. Let's drink together friendly and embrace. God witness with me when they marry. Alas! Prince Harry, slain outright. Yet, for all this, say not that Percy's dead, for the gain proposed. - For Oldcastle died a martyr... - He'll straight be well. Almost wounded to the death... He'll recover without physic. That our great-grandsire, whose fever-weaken'd joints, like strengthless hinges, buckle under life... Dead, sir! I pray thee, gentle daughter, give even way unto my rough affairs, in the laws of this land-service. That the united vessel of their blood, between that royal field, and Harry Monmouth's brawn, the hulk Sir John... But Harry lives! - Say not that Percy's dead. - Not that I am dead. But these mine eyes saw him in bloody state. - So God save me, la! - How is this derived? I speak to thee, my heart. Reply not to me with a fool-born jest! No more of that! A merry song, come! A merry song, come! Let us make head! A' must, then, to the inns... Shortly? Shortly! Puff! It is a wonderful thing to see. Only, we want a little personal strength. Old pike! A' comes continuantly to Pie-corner to buy a saddle. - Whose son art thou? - The king's justices of the peace. No, Good Captain Pistol, not here. Unless you give me your doublet and stuff me out with straw, I may say to you, nay. Do your offices. If you do not all show like gilt twopences to me. No, faith, boys, none! - Ha! - No, no, no. - Nay! - Very singular good! Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course? Let me see... Yea. What trust is in these times? What a life dost thou lead! O my poor kingdom, sick with civil blows. Speak of me even now, gasping for life under great Bolingbroke. - What trade art thou, Feeble? - Well, a woman's tailor, sir. I am Robert Shallow. Able to invent anything. Nay, you shall see my orchard. 'Fore God, you have here a goodly dwelling and a rich. But look you pray. What's this? To us no more, nay, not so much. 'Rah, tah, tah, ' would a' say, 'bounce' would a' say. There's a tester for thee. What tell you me of it? Another part of the forest! Another part of the forest! And put the world's whole strength into one giant arm, like a forked radish, with a head fantastically carved upon it. A head! After you have laboured so hard, cut me off the villain's head, with a Barbary hen! - We shall do nothing! - I beseech you! With a Barbary hen! It cannot be, my lord. - I have heard the word. - What's this? I cannot tell. It is even so. Who hath not heard it spoken. Phrase call you it? By this good day, I know not the phrase. - Ha! Again! - Is't so? Not so. How in our means we should advance ourselves? Here comes my servant Travers! Retreat is made and execution stay'd. And in his flight, stumbling in fear, washing with kindly tears his gentle cheeks. - If my heart be not read to burst. - I have heard the word! Now, have you left pursuit? Puff! Puff in thy teeth, most recreant coward base. - No, no, no, not so. - Ha! Again. I was at your back, yea, sir, in a pottle-pot. But this is mere digression from my purpose. - No more words! - For God's sake! - Ha! Again. - Right. Now a' said so. Indeed, sir, to my cost. That's fifty-five. Young Prince John and Westmoreland and Stafford came sighing on after the admired heels of Bolingbroke, I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other day, and he said, before Shallow's house. Enter Shallow and Silence, meeting, and ever among so merrily. In loathsome beds, great friends did feast together, and make good cheer. Two years after. - So in hope as in an early spring. - Ay! Shadow will serve for summer. The seasons change their manners. As the year had found some months asleep and leap'd them over. O, such a day... Hem boys! Go forth! What shall I say you are? Of Hotspur Coldspur? I am a gentleman. What's your name, sir? That furious Scot, the bloody... Douglas. Greeting. Harry, Prince of Wales, greeting. - Be it known to you? - 'Tis so. Thou seek'st the greatness. You are too great to be by me gainsaid. 'Tis so. We have sent forth already. And send discoverers forth. 'Tis so, indeed. And howl'st to find it. - From this day to that day. - A great while. Any thing indeed would do very well. A word with you... I stay too long by thee, I weary thee. But prate to me of the... What? - The crown? - As I think. - Yea. - Yea. Yea! - I thank thee. - Excellent good. Sir, but yet, God forbid, sir, but... Why then, say an old man can do somewhat. East, west, north, south, a place deep enough, wherein it shall appear the throng of words make the case yours. Know you where? Go forth! My judgment is, we should not step too far! For by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature so dull, so dead in look, he will spare neither man, woman, nor child! The canker'd heaps by the rood! So, I pray you, if you give o'er to stormy passion, death, as the Psalmist saith, is certain to all, and the wild dog shall flesh his tooth. My lord, this is a poor, mad soul. Bardolph, look to our horses. Will you command me to use my legs? Dispatch! Lo, here it sits! Here, Pistol, stand behind me. - How now! - Come on, sir, give me your hand. Ah, sirrah! What's this? There 'tis, boy. - Where is he? - Behold! Before you? 'Tis so! You fat fool! - What? - In these tirrits and frights! He is furnish'd with no certainties. It is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England. My lord, I over-rode him on the way! He seem'd in running to devour the way! - Puff in thy teeth! - He cares not the mischief he does! You muddy conger! - Take heed of him! - Fie, fie, fie! Will I live? With joints of steel... Full of nimble fiery... - Goodman bones! - Cut me off the villain's head! Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away! Look! Jesu! - I told thee! - Ha! Again. You were advised his flesh was capable of wounds and scars. Thy tender lambkin now is king. That you use the same with the like bold... Be quiet! Go forth! Fly from the field! How many of my old acquaintance are dead? - Francis Pickbone. - Will Squele. - Five more. - Three! It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab. What wouldst thou think of me, if I should weep? Be quiet. Go, wash thy face. Let it do something, my good lord, and call it what you will. How now? Well... Hath the Prince John a full commission? - That we have, in faith. - As aconitum or rash gunpowder. The box of the ear that the prince gave you. Bring up his powers. - How now? - I know not. What says the almanac? King Henry IV Part 2. Act 5. Scene I "And, putting off his hat, said, "'God's blessing of your good heart, "he would make this a bloody day to somebody, "by my faith.' "Now, the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. "Great friends did feast together, upon mouldy stewed prunes, "a good dish of prawns, a score of good ewes..." Come, it grows late. "And I may say to you, "'We first survey the plot, "Then my courtesy, "and more and less. "About three of the clock in the afternoon, "in three divided. "Four of which you please, "to five and twenty thousand. "There were five more. "Upon or near the rate of thirty thousand, "then threw he down himself and all their lives, "towards fronting peril, "that the wicked might not fall in love with him."' - Sirrah. - Sirrah. Right. Kiss me, Doll! - Three! - Three! There 'tis, boy! - What is the news, my lord? - Like a strange tongue. - Master Dumbe, our minister. - Base Assyrian. But, indeed! Clement Perkes of the hill! - 'Tis so, indeed! - What is the news, my lord? "Here at more leisure may our highness read, "the throng of words that come. "A most furious knight and valorous enemy "may peruse the men "in all the inns o'." What! "The inns o'." What's this? He hath found to end one doubt by death. - Much! - Why, here it is. Dead! A' would have clapped i' the clout at twelve score! For look you how be writes! - He'll be crowing as if he had writ. - One word more, I beseech you? A' do nothing but "o'." He sure means brevity in breath, short-winded. - And of what place, I pray? - In Europe. In the windmill in Saint George's field? - Saint Alban's. - Yea-forsooth. God bless thy lungs, good knight. This doth infer the zeal I had to see him. - Ah, sirrah! Quoth-a. - 'Tis so, indeed. O God! The blunt monster with uncounted heads... O, run, Doll, run! O, fly to Scotland! He doth unfasten. As he is striking hope gives not so much warrant as despair. When the man of action is called on. And winking, leap'd into destruction. From whence with life he never more sprung up. And since we are o'erset, venture again. - There 'tis, boy! - The block of death. Yea, joy. Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot. - How now? - He will spare not man nor child. Let him be brought in to his answer... - In three divided. - In three divided. - He that buckles him in my belt... - In three divided. In three divided. May overlive the hazard. If his weapon be out? Certain, 'tis certain, very sure, very sure, death. I cannot go. - Who should lead his forces hither? - Sir Ralph Mouldy! - Yea? - Mouldy, you shall go. I would Wart might have gone, sir. I will leer upon him as a' comes by. - I will resolve for Scotland... - Hold. - Pleaseth your grace to answer... - Thrice. As good as heart can wish. I will sit and watch. Yea, sir. Fare you well, go. Hold! Answer, thou dead elm, answer, ere this year expire. I pray you, let me speak with you. What's your name, sir? My name is Colevile of the dale. - What disease hast thou? - A whoreson cold, sir. - What says the doctor to my water? - Pox. You shall go. I thank thee with all my heart. Was this easy! Hold! Answer, thou dead elm, answer, ere this year expire. I pray you, let me speak with you. - What's your name, sir? - Sir Ralph Mouldy! - What disease hast thou? - A whoreson cold, sir. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? I know not! Hold! - What's your name, sir? - Peter Bullcalf o' the green! - What disease hast thou? - A whoreson cold, sir. What says the doctor to my water? By yea and nay... What's your name, sir? Thomas Mowbray, Duke of Norfolk. - What disease hast thou? - A whoreson cold, sir. What's a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent? What's this? A swallow, an arrow, or a bullet? I know not. How comes this, Sir John? Every man must know that. Thomas? Davy! Lo, here it sits. Well, harken at the end! Fall to thy prayers! God's blessing of your good heart! If God doth give successful end to... Jesu! It is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England and the whores called him mandrake. Have you your wits? So idly to profane the precious time! I am in good name with the very best, look to the door there I' good faith, good, an God will! How, you fat fool! I scorn you, and now thou wouldst eat thy dead vomit up! His wit's as thick as Tewksbury mustard, alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest! Come, let me wipe thy face, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! In God's name, come, get you down stairs! Look to the door there! No! For they have marvellous foul linen. I scorn you, scurvy companion. You poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! If not, we ready are to try our fortunes to the last man. In God's name then... Very well! Away, you cut-purse rascal, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. You filthy bung, away! Thou bastardly rogue! I beseek you now, aggravate your choler, for you hear not what I say to you, dry, round, old, withered knights! - Come, we will all put forth! - O Lord, ay! Stand to 't! Bragging Spaniard! On bloody courses, the rude scene may end! God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this till you are past service and the tapestry here is return'd. Which God so frame! Go forth! They are your likeliest men. Let him not 'scape. Yea, indeed, is it. Come, will you hence? Blunt, lead him hence. Toss the rogue in a blanket. Come on, come on, come on, sir. Put up your naked weapons! Stand from him, fellow. Let that suffice. Jesu! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC RESUMES) (RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP) (SENTIMENTAL VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) (RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP) (RECORD PLAYER WINDS UP) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (WIND HOWLING) (HOOFBEATS APPROACHING) Whoa, there! (BIRD CAWING) GUARD 1: Halt! GUARD 2: Who goes there? It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons. Sovereign of all England! GUARD 1: Pull the other one. I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. What? Ridden on a horse? Yes. You're using coconuts! What? You've got two empty halves of coconut, and you're banging them together. So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the Kingdom of Mercia. Where did you get the coconuts? We found them. Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical. What do you mean? Well, this is a temperate zone. The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all. They could be carried. What? A swallow carrying a coconut? It could grip it by the husk. It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratio. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut. It doesn't matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here. GUARD: In order to maintain air-speed Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? Please! Am I right? I'm not interested. GUARD 2: It could be carried by an African swallow. GUARD 1: Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That's my point. I agree with that. Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot? But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory. GUARD 2: Oh, yes. They couldn't bring a coconut, anyway. GUARD 3: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD 4: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD 3: Simple. They'd use a strand of creeper. Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Why not? MAN: Bring out your dead! (PEOPLE SOBBING) (CLANGING) (CLANGING) (COUGHING) Ninepence. (MEN MOANING) Bring out your dead. Here's one. Ninepence. I'm not dead! What? Nothing. Here's your ninepence. I'm not dead! He says he's not dead. Yes, he is. I'm not! He isn't? He will be soon. He's very ill. I'm getting better! You'll be stone dead in a moment. I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. I don't want to go on the cart. Don't be such a baby. I can't take him. I feel fine. Well, do us a favour. I can't. Can you hang around a few minutes? He won't be long. Got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. When's your next round? Thursday. I think I'll go for a walk. You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there something you can do? I feel happy. (GRUNTS) Thanks very much. Not at all. See you on Thursday. Right. Who's that, then? I don't know. Must be a king. Why? He hasn't got shit all over him. Old woman! Man! Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? I'm 37. What? I'm 37. I'm not old. I can't just call you "man." You could say "Dennis." I didn't know you were called Dennis. You didn't bother to find out. I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind... What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior. Well, I am king. King? Very nice. How did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress... There's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How do you do? How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that? King of the who? The Britons. Who are the Britons? We all are. We're all Britons. And I am your king. Didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class... There you go. Bringing class into it again. That's what it's all about. If only people... Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? No one lives there. Who is your lord? We don't have a lord. What? I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. Yes. But all the decisions of that officer are ratified at a biweekly meeting. Yes, I see. By a majority in the case of internal affairs. Be quiet! By a two-thirds majority in the case of... Be quiet! I order you to be quiet. "Order." Who does he think he is? I am your king! I didn't vote for you. You don't vote for kings. How did you become king then? The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king! Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. Be quiet! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you. Shut up! If I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! Will you shut up? See the violence inherent in the system. Shut up! See the violence inherent in the system! Help, I'm being repressed! Bloody peasant! What a giveaway. Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? (KNIGHTS GRUNTING) (KNIGHTS SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) (SHOUTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANING) (GROANING) (SHOUTING) (GURGUNG) (THUDDING) You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. None shall pass. What? None shall pass. I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. Then you shall die. I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside. I move for no man. So be it! (BELLOWS MENACINGLY) (SHOUTING) Now, stand aside, worthy adversary. 'Tis but a scratch. "A scratch"? Your arm's off. No, it isn't. Well, what's that, then? I've had worse. You liar. Come on, you pansy! (SHOUTING) Victory is mine. We thank thee, Lord, that in thy... (GRUNTS) Come on, then. What? Have at you. You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. Oh! Had enough, eh? Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. Yes, I have. Look! Just a flesh wound. Look, stop that. Chicken! I'll have your leg. Right! Right! I'll do you for that. You'll what? Come here. What are you going to do? Bleed on me? I am invincible! You're a loony. The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! Come on, then. (MUMBLING) All right, we'll call it a draw. Come, Patsy. Oh, oh, I see. Running away? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! MONKS: J" Pie Jesu Domine. J* Dona eis requiem (CHURCH BELL RINGS) J" Pie Jesu Domine. J" Dona eis requiem J". WOMAN: A witch! MAN: We found a witch. (PEOPLE CLAMOURING) We got a witch. We found a witch. We've got a witch. Burn her! (CLAMOURAPPROACHING) We have found a witch. May we burn her? ALL: Burn her! How do you know she is a witch? She looks like one. (PEOPLE AGREEING) Bring her forward. I am not a witch. But you are dressed as one. They dressed me up like this. ALL: We didn't! (SPEAKING NASALLY) And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. Well? Well, we did do the nose. The nose? And the hat. But she is a witch. ALL: Burn her! Did you dress her up like this? ALL: No. Yes. Yes, a bit. She has got a wart. What makes you think she is a witch? Well, she turned me into a newt. A newt? I got better. Burn her anyway. Burn her! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Are there? What are they? Tell us. Do they hurt? Tell me, what do you do with witches? ALL: Burn them! What do you burn apart from witches? More witches! Shh! Wood. So, why do witches burn? 'Cause they're made of wood? Good. (PEOPLE MURMURING) So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? Build a bridge out of her. Ah! Can you not also make bridges of stone? Oh, yeah. Does wood sink in water? No. It floats. Throw her into the pond! (ALL SHOUTING) What also floats in water? Bread. Apples. Uh, very small rocks. Cider. Cherries. Gravy. Mud. Churches. Lead. A duck! Exactly. So, logically... Ifshe weighs the same as a duck... She's made of wood. And, therefore... A witch! A witch! We shall use my largest scales. (ALL CLAMOURING IMPATIENTLY) Right. Remove the supports! ALL: A witch! It's a fair cop. Burn her! (ALL SHOUTING) Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. My liege. Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? My liege, I would be honoured. What is your name? Bedevere, my liege. Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, knight of the Round Table. NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Lancelot the Brave. Sir Galahad the Pure. And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon ofAngnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries. The Knights of the Round Table. That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Certainly, sir. Look, my liege. Camelot. Camelot. Camelot. It's only a model. Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot! (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) J* We're knights of the Round Table. J" We dance whene'er we're able. J" We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. J" We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham andjam and Spam a lot. J* We're knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable. J" But many times We're given rhymes. J* That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot. J* We sing from the diaphragm a lot (MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) (RHYTHMIC CLANGING) J" In war we're tough and able. J" Quite indefatigable. J" Between our quests We sequin vests. J" And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot. J* I have to push the pram a lot J". No, on second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. Right. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Arthur. King of the Britons. Oh, don't grovel. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling. Sorry. And don't apologise. Every time I talk to someone it's "sorry this," and, "forgive me that, " and, "I'm not worthy. ". What are you doing now? I'm averting my eyes, O Lord. Don't. It's like those miserable psalms. They're so depressing. Now, knock it off! Yes, Lord. Right. Arthur, King of the Britons. Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. Good idea, O Lord! Course it's a good idea. Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur. The quest for the Holy Grail. A blessing from the Lord. God be praised! Halt! (HORN BLARING) Hello! Hello! (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello. Who is it? It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see. What? He says they've already got one! Are you sure he's got one? Oh, yes. It's very nice. I told him we've already got one. (SNICKERING) Uh, om... Can we come up and have a look? Of course not! You are English-types. Well, what are you then? I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? What are you doing in England? Mind your own business. If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force. You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King. You and all your silly English knights. (RAZZING) What a strange person. Now look here, my good man... I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. Is there someone else up there we could talk to? No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time. Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable... Fetchez la vache! Quoi? Fetchez la vache! If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall... (BOINGING) (cow MOOING) Jesus Christ! Crikey! (GRUNTS) Right! Charge! (CATAPULT FIRING) (JEERING VICIOUSLY) (CAT YOWLING) Run away! Run away! (KNIGHTS SHOUTING) (RAZZING) Fiends! I'll tear them apart. No, no. Sir, I have a plan, sir. (WIND BLOWING) (SAWING) (CLATTERING) (CAT YOWLING) (SQUEAKING) (CREAKING) (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) (M ETAL CLAN KING) (RUMBLING APPROACHING) (GUARD 1 SPEAKING FRENCH) GUARD 1: Un cadeau. GUARD 2: What? A present. Un cadeau. Oui, allons-y. Let's go. (FRENCH GUARDS CHATTERING) (CASTLE DOOR CLOSES) What happens now? Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and Iwait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! Who leaps out? Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Leap out of the rabbit. (MOANS) Um... Look. If we built this large, wooden badger... (CATAPULT FIRES) ALL: Run away! (ALL SHOUTING) History for Schools. Take 8. DIRECTOR: Action! Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. (HOOFBEATS APPROACHING) Now, this is what they did... (BELLOWING) Frank! (NARRATOR READING) So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels. MINSTREL: J" Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot. J" He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin. J" He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways. J" Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. J* He was not in the least bit Scared To be mashed into a pulp. J" Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken. J" To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away. J* And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin. J* His head smashed in And his heart cut out. J" His liver removed And his bowels unplugged. J* His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis... J". That's, uh, enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. WOMAN: Dennis, forget about freedom. Don't drop that mud. (ECHOING) Halt! Who art thou? J" He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin... J". Shut up! (STAMMERING) Nobody, really. I was just passing through. What do you want? J* To fight and... J". Shut up! Um... Oh! Nothing. Nothing, really. (STAMMERING) Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. I'm afraid not. Ah. Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. You're a knight of the Round Table? I am. In that case, I have to kill you. Shall I? I don't think so. What do I think? Kill him. Let's be nice to him. Shut up. But... And you! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off! Cut your own head off. Yes, do us all a favour. What? Yapping on all the time. You're lucky you're not next to him. What do you mean? You snore. I don't. You've got bad breath. Only because you don't brush my teeth. Stop bitching, and let's go and have tea! All right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits. Yes. Not biscuits. All right! Not biscuits. But let's kill him anyway. BOTH: Right. He's buggered off! So he has! He's scarpered. J* Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! J* Bravely ran away, away I didn't. J* When danger reared its ugly head. J" He bravely turned his tail and fled. J" Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out. J* Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat. J" Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin J* Ineved. J" Pie Jesu Domine. J" Dona eis requiem J" (EXCLAIMS) (WHOOPING) 0oh. (NARRATOR READING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (ANIMAL HOWLING) (ANIMAL HOWLING) Open the door. In the name of King Arthur, open the door! (WOOD CREAKING) (PANTING) (DOOR SLAMS) Hello! Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax. The Castle Anthrax? Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need! You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? The what? The Grail. It is here? But you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! MIDGET AND CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot? Prepare a bed for our guest. Thank you, Zoot. Thank you. Away, away, varletesses! The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big. Look, I, Uh... What is your name, handsome knight? Uh, Sir Galahad the Chaste. Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Oh, but come. Please, in God's name, show me the Grail. You have suffered much. You are delirious. Look, I have seen it. It is here. Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. (STAMMERING) Oh! I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours. We're eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Come. You may lie here. But you are wounded! No, it's nothing! You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down. Well, what seems to be the trouble? They're doctors? Uh, they have a basic medical training. Come, come, you must try to rest. Dr Piglet! Dr Winston! Practise your art. Try to relax. Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? We must examine you. There's nothing wrong with that. Please. We are doctors. Look, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity! Back to your bed! Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail. There's no Grail here. I have seen it. I have seen... WOMEN: Hello. (BECKONINGLY) Hello. Zoot! I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. Where are you going? I seek the Grail. I have seen it here in this castle! Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot! What is it? Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. It's not the real Grail? Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot. She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it. But now we're glad. It's better than some previous scenes, I think. Ours was better visually. Ours was committed. It wasn't a string of pussy jokes. Get on with it. Yes. Get on with it! ALL: Get on with it! I am enjoying this scene. Get on With it! (SIGHS) Wicked, wicked Zoot! She must pay the penalty. In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her. WOMEN: A spanking! A spanking! You must spank her, and after you've spanked her, deal with her as you like. And, then, spank me. And me! And me. And me. Yes. You must give us all a good spanking! WOMEN: A spanking! And, after the spanking, the oral sex. ALL: The oral sex! (DOOR OPENING) Well, I could stay a bit longer. LANCELOT: Sir Galahad! Oh. Hello. Quick! You are in great peril. Why? No, he isn't! Silence, foul temptress! She's got a point. We'll cover your escape! Look, I'm fine! Wait, Sir Galahad! I can tackle this lot single-handed! Yes, let him tackle us single-handed! (WOMEN CLAMOURING IN AGREEMENT) No, Sir Galahad. Come! Honestly, I can handle this lot easily! Yes, let him handle us easily. Go! Quick! Wait! Please! I can defeat them! There's only 150 of them! He'll beat us easily. We haven't a chance. (ALL CLAMOURING DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh, shit! You were in great peril. I don't think I was. You were in terrible peril. Let me go back, and face the peril. No, it's too perilous. It's my duty to sample as much peril as I can. We've got to find the Holy Grail. Let me have just a bit of peril? No. It's unhealthy. I bet you're 93V- No, I'm not. NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation. But, they were still no nearer the Grail. King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. That's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. They were more than two laden swallow's flights away. Four, with a coconut on a line between them. If the birds were... ALL: Get on with it! Oh, an yWaY, on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. There aren't any swallows, but I think you can hear a... (THUDDING) (NARRATOR GROAN S) (CACKUNG) And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered. And the Grail. The Grail is there? There is much danger. For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. But the Grail. Where is the Grail? Seek you the Bridge of Death. The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail? (CACKUNG) (BIRDS CAWING) (woon SNAPS) (RUSTLING) Who are you? We are the knights who say "Ni"! No! Not the knights who say "Ni"? The same! Who are they? We are the keepers of the sacred words. IINilll llpenglll and "Neee Wom"! Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. The knights who say "Ni" demand a sacrifice. Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) ALL: Ni! Ni! We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us. What is it you want? We want a shrubbery. A what? Ni! Ni! (GROANING) Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery. You must return with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood alive. Knights of Ni, you are just and fair. We will return with a shrubbery. One that looks nice. Of course. And not too expensive. Yes. NOW go! (THUDDING) (ILLUSTRATOR EXCLAIMING) (MUTTERING) (CLATTERING) (GRUNTING) Stop that! Stop that! Go on, clear off! Go away. And you, clear off! (SUN MUTTERING) Bloody weather. (NARRATOR READING) (FROGS CROAKING) One day, lad, all this will be yours. What, the curtains? No, not the curtains. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys. That'll be your kingdom, lad. But, Mother. Father, lad. But, Father, I don't want any of that. Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, it was a swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp. But I built it all the same to show them. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what youWigeLlad. The strongest castle in these isles. But I don't want any of that. I'd rather... Rather what? I'd rather just. (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS) sing. (RECORD PLAYER SLOWS TO A STOP) Stop that. You're not going into a song while I'm here! In 20 minutes, you're marrying a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. But I don't want land. Listen, Alice. Herbert. Herbert. We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get. But I don't like her. Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich. She's got huge tracts of land. I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have a certain special something. (MUSIC RESUMES PLAYING) Cut that out! (RECORD PLAYER STOPS) You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave the room until I get him. Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him. No. Until I come and get him. Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. And you'll come and get him. Right. We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room. No. Leaving the room. Leaving the room, yes. All right? Right. Oh, if... Uh, if we're... Yes? Look, it's quite simple. You stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right? (HICCUPS) Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? No, you just keep him in here, and make sure... Oh, yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave... No. Keep him in here! Until you, or anyone... Not anyone, just me. Justyou_. Get back. Right? Right. We'll stay here until you get back. And make sure he doesn't leave. What? Make sure he doesn't leave. The Prince? Yes, make sure he doesn't leave. Yes, of course! I thought you meant him! It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard. Is that clear? Quite clear. No problems. Right. Where are you going? We're coming with you. No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave. Isee, nghL. But, Father... Shut it, and get that suit on. (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS) (RECORD PLAYER STOPS) And no singing! (HICCUPS) Oh, go and get a glass of water. Well taken, Concorde! Thank you, sir, most kind. And again! Over we go! Good, steady! Now, the big one! Come on, Concorde! (ARROW TWANGING) Message for you, sir. Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note." "I have been imprisoned by my father," "who wishes me to marry against my will." "Please, please come and rescue me." "I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! I'm not quite dead, sir. You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! I think I could pull through, sir. I see. I think I'm all right to come with you. No, sweet Concorde! Stay here. I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (GROANS) Idiom, sir? Idiom! No, I feel fine, actually, sir. Farewell, sweet Concorde! I'll, uh, just stay here, shaHI, sh? Yeah. (WOMEN GIGGLING SOFTLY) (INDISTINCT TALKING) (MINSTREL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) Morning. Morning. (SHOUTS) (DISTRACTEDLY) Hey! (LAUGHING MAN IACALLY) (SHOUTING) (EXCLAIMS) You're not allowed to enter the room... (SHOUTING) Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take... I'm terribly sorry. You got my note! I got a note. You've come to rescue me? Well, no, you see... I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there, (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS) there must be someone... (RECORD PLAYER STOPS) Stop that! Stop it! Who are you? I'm your son. No, not you. I'm Sir Lancelot, sir. He's come to rescue me, Father. Let's not jump to conclusions. Did you kill all those guards? Uh... Yes. Sorry. They cost 50 pounds each. I'm awfully sorry. Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope ready. You killed eight wedding guests and all! Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady. I can understand that. Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! Shut up! You only killed the bride's father! I didn't mean to. Didn't mean to? You put your sword through his head! Oh, dear, is he all right? You kicked the bride in the chest! It's going to cost me a fortune! I can explain. I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note. Are you from Camelot? Hurry, Sir Lancelot! I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir. Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country. Is it? I am ready! Would you like to come have a drink? That's awfully nice of you. I am ready! I mean, to be so understanding. You see, when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away. (PRINCE GRUNTS) (ALL SOBBING) Now, this is the main hall. We'll have all this knocked through... There he is! Bloody hell. (ALL SCREAMING) Hold it, please! See what I mean? I get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry, everyone. He's killed the best man! Hold it, please, hold it. This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, a brave and influential knight. And my special guest here today. Hello. MAN: He killed my auntie! No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. (PEOPLE MURMURING) Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter. For, since the tragic death of her father... He's not quite dead! Since the near fatal wounding of her father... He's getting better! For, since her own father who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him. (MAN GROANING) He's died! I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense. And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot... What? Look, the dead Prince! (ALL GASPING) GUARD: He's not quite dead! HERBERT: I feel much better. You fell out of the tall tower, you creep! No, I was saved at the last minute. H ow? I'll tell you. (MUSIC STARTS PLAYING) Not like that! Not like that. ALL: J" He's going to tell He's going to tell J". Quickly, sir, come this way! No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more... Dramatically, sir? Dramatically. Wheel (ALL CHEERING) Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please? (CAT SCREECHES) (CAT SCREECHES) (CAT SCREECHES) (CAT SCREECHES) (CAT SCREECHES) Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? Who sent you? The knights who say "Ni"! No! We have no shrubberies here. If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... We will say "Ni." (GROANS) Do your worst! Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily... Ni! No! Never. No shrubberies. N00! Nu. No, it's not that, it's "Ni." No, you're not doing it properly. Ni. You've got it. BOTH: Ni! Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman? Um... Yes. What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. Did you say "shrubberies"? Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. Ni! No! Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go? It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem. What is that? We are now no longer the knights who say "Ni." Shh! Shh! We are now the knights who say, "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing"! Therefore, we must give you a test. What is this test, knights who until recently said "Ni"? Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! Not another shrubbery! Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery. Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle. OTHERS: A path! A path! Then, when you have found the shrubberies, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring! We shall do no such thing. Oh, please. Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. (SCREAMING) Don't say that word. What word? I cannot tell. Suffice to say, it's one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear. How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? He did it again. What? "Ls"? No, not "is"! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is." My liege, it's Robin. J" He's jacking it in and packing it up. J" And sneaking away and buggering off. J* And chickening out and pissing a pot. J" Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge J* Robin. My liege. It's good to see you. Now he's said the word! You haven't given up your quest for the Holy Grail? J" He is sneaking away and... J". Shut up! No, far from it. You said the word again. I was looking for it. (GROANS) here in this forest. No, it is far from this place. Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! Stop it! He said "it" again! That's it! I've said "it." I've said "it." I've said "it" again! That's three "its"! NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedevere and. Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. (CHEERING) In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. (KNIGHTS CHEERING) A year passed. (SHIVERING) Winter changed into spring. (MURMURS APPRECIATIVELY) Spring changed into summer. Summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn. (GRUNTING) Until one day. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Knights, forward! (EXPLOSION) (ARTILLERY SHELL WHISTLING) (ARTILLERY SHELL WHISTLING) (SHELLS WHISTLING) What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? I am an enchanter. By what name are you known? There are some who call me... Tim. Greetings, Tim the enchanter! Greetings, King Arthur. You know my name? I do. (FLAME TH ROWER ROARING) You seek the Holy Grail. That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Tim. Quite. Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. Yes, it is. (ALL AGREEING) And so we're looking for it. Yes, we are. We have been for some time. Ages. So, anything you could do to, uh, help would be very helpful. Look, can you tell us where... Fine, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but I don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a, om... (STAMMERS) A what? (SHOUTING) A grail? Yes, I think so. Yes. (ALL AGREEING) Yes! Oh! Thank you. Splendid! Look, you're a busy man... Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. To the north, there lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog. Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. Where could we find this cave, Tim? Follow! But follow only if ye be men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. What an eccentric performance! (WIND HOWLING) (MEN NEIGHING) They're nervous, sire. Then we'd best leave them here and carry on, on foot. Dismount! Behold the Cave of Caerbannog! Right, keep me covered. What with? Just keep me covered. Too late. TIM: There he is! Where? There. What, behind the rabbit? It is the rabbit. You silly sod! What? You got us all worked up. That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared! Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer! Get stuffed. He'll do you up a treat, mate! Yeah? You manky Scots git! I'm warning you. What's he do? Nibble your bum? He's got huge, sharp... It can leap about... Look at the bones! Go on, Bors, chop its head off. Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up. Look! (SQUEAKING) Jesus Christ! I warned you! I've done it again. I warned you. But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn't you? It's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always... Shut up! Charge! (KNIGHTS SHOUTING) (KNIGHTS SCREAMING) ALL: Run away! (LAUGHING) How many did we lose? Gawain. Ector. And Bors. That's five. Three. Three. We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite. Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? Shut up and change your armour. Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. Like what? Well... Have we got bows? No. We have the Holy Hand Grenade. Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. It's one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade. BROTHER MAYNARD: J" Pie Jesu Domine. MONKS: J* Dona eis requiem. J" Pie Jesu Domine. J* Dona eis requiem. J" Pie Jesu Domine. J* Dona eis requiem. J" Pie Jesu Domine. J" Dona eis requiem J". How does it, uh... How does it work? I know not, my liege. Consult the Book of Armaments. Armaments 2: 9-21. "And St Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying," "'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest" "'blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'." "And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon" "the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans" "and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..." Skip a bit, Brother. "The Lord spake, saying, "'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, "'then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. "'Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, "'and the number of the counting shalt be three. "'Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, "'excepting that thou then proceed to three. "'Five is right out. "'Once the number three, being the third number be reached, "'then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch "'towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, "'shall snuff it."' Amen. ALL: Amen. Right. One, two, five! Three, sir! Three! (ALL PANTING NERVOUSLY) There! Look! What does it say? What language is that? Brother Maynard, you're our scholar. It is Aramaic! Of course. Joseph of Arimathea! Of course. What does it say? It reads, "Here may be found" "the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. "'He who is Valiant and pure of spirit "'may find the Holy Grail "'in the Castle of Aaargh."' What? "The Castle of Aaargh." What is that? He must have died while carving it. Come on! That's what it says. Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh." He'd just say it. That's what's carved in the rock. Perhaps he was dictating it. Shut up! Does it say anything else? No! Just "Aaargh." Aaargh. Do you suppose he meant the Camargue? Where's that? In France, I think. Isn't there a St Aaargh's in Cornwall? No, that's St Ives. LANCELOT: St Ives. (EXCLAIMING) No, "Aaargh." At the back of the throat. No, "Ooh," in surprise and alarm! Oh, you mean a sort of an "Ah!" Yes, that's right. Ahhh! My God! (ROARING) It's the legendary Black Beast of... Aaargh! ARTHUR: That's it! Run away! (ALL SHOUTING) Keep running. (WHISPERING) We've lost him. (BEAST ROARS) (KNIGHTS SCREAMING) NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. The Cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue. There it is! The Bridge of Death. ROBIN: (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Great. ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from Scene 24. BEDEVERE: What's he doing here? He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions. Three questions. Three questions. He who answers the five questions... Three questions. Three questions, may cross in safety. What if you get a question wrong? Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Oh, wacko. Who's going to answer the questions? Brave Sir Robin, you go. I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go? Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the northeast... Hang om. Just answer the five questions... Three questions. Three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray. I understand, my liege. Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you. Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see. Ask me the questions, bndgekeepen I'm not afraid. What is your name? My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. What is your favourite colour? Blue. Right. Off you go. Well, thank you very much. That's easy. stop- Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see. Ask me the questions, bndgekeepen I'm not afraid. What is your name? Sir Robin of Camelot. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. What is the capital of Assyria? I don't know that! (SCREAMING) Stop! What is your name? Sir Galahad of Camelot. What is your quest? I seek the Grail. What is your favourite colour? Blue. No! Yellow! (SCREAMING) (CACKUNG) Stop! What is your name? It is Arthur, King of the Britons. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? What do you mean? An African or European swallow? I don't know that! (SCREAMING) How do you know so much about swallows? You have to know these things when you're a king. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Lancelot! Lancelot! (POLICE RADIO CHATTERING) ARTHUR: Lancelot! The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end. God be praised. Almighty God, we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy... (CATAPULT FIRING) (SHEEP BLEATING) Jesus Christ! Hello, stuffy English knights and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time. How dare you profane this place with your presence? I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us. How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behaviour. I wave my private parts at your aunties. You cheesy lot of second-hand, electric donkey-bottom biters! In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing! You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms. If you'll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of God and the glory of our... Right! That settles it! Depart at this time, and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles. Walk away, just ignore them. And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, stuffy English knights! (JEERING) We shall attack at once. Yes, my liege. Stand by for attack! French persons! (JEERING) Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. (FRENCHMEN LAUGHING IN DERISION) ARTHUR: Charge! (ALL SHOUTING) (SIREN WAILING) Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure. (POLICEMEN SHOUTING ORDERS) (POLICE RADIO CHATTERING) Come on. Put this man in the van. Put him in the van. Get a blanket over that one. Come on, back! Right back! That's an offensive weapon, that is. (POLICEMEN BARKING ORDERS) All right, sonny, that's enough. Pack that in. Whoa, there! Halt! Who goes there? It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons. Sovereign of all England! Pull the other one. I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. - What? Ridden on a horse? - Yes. - You're using coconuts! - What? You've got two empty halves of coconut, and you're banging them together. So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. - Through the Kingdom of Mercia. - Where did you get the coconuts? We found them. Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical. - What do you mean? - Well, this is a temperate zone. The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. - Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? - Not at all. They could be carried. - What? A swallow carrying a coconut? - It could grip it by the husk. It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratio. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut. It doesn't matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? - Please! - Am I right? I'm not interested. It could be carried by an African swallow. Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That's my point. I agree with that. Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot? But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory. - Oh, yes. - They couldn't bring a coconut, anyway. Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? - No, they'd have to have it on a line. - Simple. They'd use a strand of creeper. - Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? - Why not? Bring out your dead! Ninepence. - Bring out your dead. - Here's one. Ninepence. - I'm not dead! - What? - Nothing. Here's your ninepence. - I'm not dead! - He says he's not dead. - Yes, he is. - I'm not! - He isn't? - He will be soon. He's very ill. - I'm getting better! You'll be stone dead in a moment. I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. - I don't want to go on the cart. - Don't be such a baby. - I can't take him. - I feel fine. - Well, do us a favor. - I can't. Can you hang around a few minutes? He won't be long. Got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. - When's your next round? - Thursday. - I think I'll go for a walk. - You're not fooling anyone, you know. - Isn't there something you can do? - I feel happy. - Thanks very much. - Not at all. See you on Thursday. Right. - Who's that, then? - I don't know. Must be a king. - Why? - He hasn't got shit all over him. - Old woman! - Man! Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? - I'm 37. - What? - I'm 37. I'm not old. - I can't just call you "man." - You could say "Dennis." - I didn't know you were called Dennis. You didn't bother to find out. I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind... What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior. - Well, I am king. - King? Very nice. How did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress... There's some lovely filth down here. How do you do? How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. - Whose castle is that? - King of the who? - The Britons. - Who are the Britons? We all are. We're all Britons. And I am your king. Didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class... There you go. Bringing class into it again. That's what it's all about. If only people... Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? - No one lives there. - Who is your lord? - We don't have a lord. - What? I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. - Yes. - But all the decisions of that officer - are ratified at a biweekly meeting. - Yes, I see. By a majority in the case of internal affairs. Be quiet! By a two-thirds majority in the case of... Be quiet! I order you to be quiet. "Order." Who does he think he is? - I am your king! - I didn't vote for you. - You don't vote for kings. - How did you become king then? The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king! Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. Be quiet! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you. - Shut up! - If I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! - Will you shut up? - See the violence inherent in the system. - Shut up! - See the violence inherent in the system! - Help, I'm being repressed! - Bloody peasant! What a giveaway. Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. None shall pass. - What? - None shall pass. I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. Then you shall die. I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside. I move for no man. So be it! Now, stand aside, worthy adversary. - 'Tis but a scratch. - "A scratch"? Your arm's off. - No, it isn't. - Well, what's that, then? - I've had worse. - You liar. Come on, you pansy! Victory is mine. We thank thee, Lord, that in thy... - Come on, then. - What? Have at you. You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. Had enough, eh? Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. - Yes, I have. - Look! Just a flesh wound. - Look, stop that. - Chicken! I'll have your leg. Right! - Right! I'll do you for that. - You'll what? - Come here. - What are you going to do? Bleed on me? - I am invincible! - You're a loony. The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! Come on, then. All right, we'll call it a draw. - Come, Patsy. - Oh, I see. Running away? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! Pie Jesu Domine Dona eis requiem Pie Jesu Domine Dona eis requiem - A witch! - We found a witch. - We got a witch. - We found a witch. We've got a witch. Burn her! - We have found a witch. May we burn her? - Burn her! - How do you know she is a witch? - She looks like one. Bring her forward. - I am not a witch. - But you are dressed as one. - They dressed me up like this. - We didn't! And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. - Well? - Well, we did do the nose. - The nose? - And the hat. But she is a witch. Burn her! - Did you dress her up like this? - No. Yes. Yes, a bit. She has got a wart. - What makes you think she is a witch? - Well, she turned me into a newt. A newt? I got better. - Burn her anyway. - Burn her! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. - Are there? What are they? Tell us. - Do they hurt? Tell me, what do you do with witches? Burn them! - What do you burn apart from witches? - More witches! - Wood. - So, why do witches burn? - 'Cause they're made of wood? - Good. So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? - Build a bridge out of her. - Can you not also make bridges of stone? Oh, yeah. Does wood sink in water? - No. - It floats. Throw her into the pond! - What also floats in water? - Bread. - Apples. - Very small rocks. - Cider. Cherries. - Gravy. Mud. - Churches. - Lead. A duck! Exactly. So, logically... If she weighs the same as a duck... She's made of wood. And, therefore... - A witch! - A witch! We shall use my largest scales. Right. Remove the supports! - A witch! - A witch! - It's a fair cop. - Burn her! Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science? - I am Arthur, King of the Britons. - My liege. Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? My liege, I would be honored. - What is your name? - Bedevere, my liege. Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, knight of the Round Table. The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Lancelot the Brave. Sir Galahad the Pure. And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries. The Knights of the Round Table. That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. - Certainly, sir. - Look, my liege. - Camelot. - Camelot. - Camelot. - It's only a model. Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot! We're knights of the Round Table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot In war we're tough and able Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot I have to push the pram a lot No, on second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. Right. Arthur. King of the Britons. Don't grovel. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. - Sorry. - And don't apologize. Every time I talk to someone it's "sorry this," and, "forgive me that," and, "I'm not worthy." - What are you doing now? - I'm averting my eyes, O Lord. Don't. It's like those miserable psalms. They're so depressing. - Now, knock it off! - Yes, Lord. Right. Arthur, King of the Britons. Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. - Good idea, O Lord! - Course it's a good idea. Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur. The quest for the Holy Grail. - A blessing from the Lord. - God be praised! Halt! Hello! Hello! Hello. Who is it? It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see. - What? - He says they've already got one! - Are you sure he's got one? - Oh, yes. It's very nice. I told him we've already got one. - Can we come up and have a look? - Of course not! You are English-types. - Well, what are you then? - I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? - What are you doing in England? - Mind your own business. If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force. You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King. You and all your silly English knights. - What a strange person. - Now look here, my good man... I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. Is there someone else up there we could talk to? No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time. Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable... - Fetchez la vache! - Quoi? Fetchez la vache! If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall... Jesus Christ! Crikey! Right! Charge! Run away! Run away! - Fiends! I'll tear them apart. - No, no. Sir, I have a plan, sir. - Un cadeau. - What? - A present. - Un cadeau. Oui, allons-y. Let's go. What happens now? Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! Who leaps out? Lancelot, Galahad, and I leap out of the rabbit. Look. If we built this large, wooden badger... Run away! - History for Schools. Take 8. - Action! Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did... Frank! So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin His head smashed in And his heart cut out His liver removed And his bowels unplugged His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis... That's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. Dennis, forget about freedom. Don't drop that mud. Halt! Who art thou? He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin... Shut up! Nobody, really. I was just passing through. What do you want? To fight and... Shut up! Nothing. Nothing, really. - Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. - I'm afraid not. Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. You're a knight of the Round Table? I am. - In that case, I have to kill you. - Shall I? - I don't think so. - What do I think? - Kill him. - Let's be nice to him. - Shut up. - But... And you! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off! - Cut your own head off. - Yes, do us all a favor. - What? - Yapping on all the time. - You're lucky you're not next to him. - What do you mean? - You snore. - I don't. - You've got bad breath. - Only because you don't brush my teeth. Stop bitching, and let's go and have tea! All right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits. - Yes. - Not biscuits. All right! Not biscuits. But let's kill him anyway. Right. - He's buggered off! - So he has! He's scarpered. Brave Sir Robin ran away No! Bravely ran away, away I didn't. When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin I never! Pie Jesu Domine Pie Jesu Domine Dona eis requiem Open the door. In the name of King Arthur, open the door! Hello! Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax. - The Castle Anthrax? - Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need! You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? - The what? - The Grail. It is here? But you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! - Yes, O Zoot? - Prepare a bed for our guest. - Thank you, Zoot. - Thank you. Away, away, varletesses! The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big. - Look, I... - What is your name, handsome knight? Sir Galahad the Chaste. Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. - But come. - Please, in God's name, show me the Grail. You have suffered much. You are delirious. - Look, I have seen it. It is here. - Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours. We're eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Come. You may lie here. - But you are wounded! - No, it's nothing! You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down. - Well, what seems to be the trouble? - They're doctors? They have a basic medical training. Come, come, you must try to rest. Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art. - Try to relax. - Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? We must examine you. - There's nothing wrong with that. - Please. We are doctors. Look, this cannot be. - I am sworn to chastity! - Back to your bed! Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail. - There's no Grail here. - I have seen it. - I have seen... - Hello. Hello. - Zoot! - I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. - Where are you going? - I seek the Grail. I have seen it here in this castle! Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot! - What is it? - Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. It's not the real Grail? Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot. She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it. But now we're glad. It's better than some previous scenes, I think. Ours was better visually. Ours was committed. It wasn't a string of pussy jokes. - Get on with it. - Yes. Get on with it! Get on with it! - I am enjoying this scene. - Get on with it! Wicked, wicked Zoot! She must pay the penalty. In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her. A spanking! A spanking! You must spank her, and after you've spanked her, deal with her as you like. - And, then, spank me. - And me! - And me. - And me. Yes. You must give us all a good spanking! A spanking! - And, after the spanking, the oral sex. - The oral sex! Well, I could stay a bit longer. - Sir Galahad! - Hello. - Quick! You are in great peril. - Why? - No, he isn't! - Silence, foul temptress! - She's got a point. - We'll cover your escape! - Look, I'm fine! - Wait, Sir Galahad! - I can tackle this lot single-handed! - Yes, let him tackle us single-handed! No, Sir Galahad. Come! Honestly, I can handle this lot easily! - Yes, let him handle us easily. - Go! Quick! Wait! Please! I can defeat them! There's only 150 of them! He'll beat us easily. We haven't a chance. Oh, shit! - You were in great peril. - I don't think I was. You were in terrible peril. - Let me go back, and face the peril. - No, it's too perilous. It's my duty to sample as much peril as I can. We've got to find the Holy Grail. - Let me have just a bit of peril? - No. It's unhealthy. - I bet you're gay. - No, I'm not. Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation. But, they were still no nearer the Grail. King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. That's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. They were more than two laden swallow's flights away. Four, with a coconut on a line between them. If the birds were... Get on with it! Oh, anyway, on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. There aren't any swallows, but I think you can hear a... And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered. - And the Grail. The Grail is there? - There is much danger. For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. But the Grail. Where is the Grail? Seek you the Bridge of Death. The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail? - Who are you? - We are the knights who say "Ni"! - No! Not the knights who say "Ni"? - The same! - Who are they? - We are the keepers of the sacred words. "Ni," "Peng," and "Neee Wom"! Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. The knights who say "Ni" demand a sacrifice. Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Ni! Ni! We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us. - What is it you want? - We want a shrubbery. A what? - Ni! Ni! - Please! No more! - We will find you a shrubbery. - You must return with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood alive. Knights of Ni, you are just and fair. - We will return with a shrubbery. - One that looks nice. - Of course. - And not too expensive. - Yes. - Now go! Stop that! Stop that! Go on, clear off! Go away. And you, clear off! Bloody weather. The tale of Sir Lancelot. One day, lad, all this will be yours. - What, the curtains? - No, not the curtains. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys. That'll be your kingdom, lad. - But, Mother. - Father, lad. - But, Father, I don't want any of that. - Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, it was a swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp. But I built it all the same to show them. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you'll get, lad. - The strongest castle in these isles. - But I don't want any of that. - I'd rather... - Rather what? I'd rather just - sing. - Stop that. You're not going into a song while I'm here! In 20 minutes, you're marrying a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. - But I don't want land. - Listen, Alice. - Herbert. - Herbert. We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get. - But I don't like her. - Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich. She's got huge tracts of land. I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have a certain special something. Cut that out! You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave the room until I get him. Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him. No. Until I come and get him. Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. - And you'll come and get him. - Right. We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room. - No. Leaving the room. - Leaving the room, yes. - All right? - Right. If... - If we're... - Yes? Look, it's quite simple. You stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. - All right? - I remember. Can he leave the room with us? No, you just keep him in here, and make sure... Yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously. - But if he had to leave... - No. Keep him in here! - Until you, or anyone... - Not anyone, just me. - Just you... - Get back. - Right? - Right. We'll stay here until you get back. - And make sure he doesn't leave. - What? - Make sure he doesn't leave. - The Prince? - Yes, make sure he doesn't leave. - Yes, of course! I thought you meant him! It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard. - Is that clear? - Quite clear. No problems. Right. - Where are you going? - We're coming with you. No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave. I see, right. - But, Father... - Shut it, and get that suit on. And no singing! Go and get a glass of water. - Well taken, Concorde! - Thank you, sir, most kind. And again! Over we go! Good, steady! Now, the big one! Come on, Concorde! Message for you, sir. Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note. "I have been imprisoned by my father, "who wishes me to marry against my will. "Please, please come and rescue me. "I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! I'm not quite dead, sir. You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! I think I could pull through, sir. - I see. - I think I'm all right to come with you. No, sweet Concorde! Stay here. I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... - Idiom, sir? - Idiom! - No, I feel fine, actually, sir. - Farewell, sweet Concorde! I'll just stay here, shall I, sir? Yeah. - Morning. - Morning. Hey! You're not allowed to enter the room... Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take... I'm terribly sorry. You got my note! - I got a note. - You've come to rescue me? - Well, no, you see... - I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone... Stop that! Stop it! Who are you? - I'm your son. - No, not you. - I'm Sir Lancelot, sir. - He's come to rescue me, Father. - Let's not jump to conclusions. - Did you kill all those guards? Yes. Sorry. - They cost 50 pounds each. - I'm awfully sorry. Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope ready. You killed eight wedding guests and all! Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady. I can understand that. - Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! - Shut up! - You only killed the bride's father! - I didn't mean to. Didn't mean to? You put your sword through his head! - Oh dear, is he all right? - You kicked the bride in the chest! - It's going to cost me a fortune! - I can explain. I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note. - Are you from Camelot? - Hurry, Sir Lancelot! I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir. Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country. - Is it? - I am ready! - Would you like to come have a drink? - That's awfully nice of you. - I am ready! - I mean, to be so understanding. You see, when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away. Now, this is the main hall. We'll have all this knocked through... - There he is! - Bloody hell. - Hold it, please! - See what I mean? I get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry, everyone. He's killed the best man! Hold it, please, hold it. This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, a brave and influential knight. - And my special guest here today. - Hello. He killed my auntie! No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter. For, since the tragic death of her father... He's not quite dead! Since the near fatal wounding of her father... He's getting better! For, since her own father who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him. He's died! I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense. And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot... - What? - Look, the dead Prince! - He's not quite dead! - I feel much better. You fell out of the tall tower, you creep! - No, I was saved at the last minute. - How? I'll tell you. Not like that! Not like that. He's going to tell He's going to tell Quickly, sir, come this way! No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more... - Dramatically, sir? - Dramatically. Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please? Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? - Who sent you? - The knights who say "Ni"! No! We have no shrubberies here. If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... We will say "Ni." Do your worst! Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily... - Ni! - No! Never. No shrubberies. - Ni! - Noo! No, it's not that, it's "Ni." No, you're not doing it properly. - Ni. - You've got it. - Ni! - Ni! Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman? Yes. What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. - Did you say "shrubberies"? - Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. - Ni! - No! Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. - May we go? - It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem. What is that? We are now no longer the knights who say "Ni." We are now the knights who say, "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing"! Therefore, we must give you a test. What is this test, knights who until recently said "Ni"? Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! Not another shrubbery! Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery. Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle. A path! A path! Then, when you have found the shrubberies, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring! - We shall do no such thing. - Please. Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. - Don't say that word. - What word? I cannot tell. Suffice to say, it's one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear. How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? - He did it again. - What? "Is"? No, not "is"! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is." My liege, it's Robin. He's jacking it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing a pot Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge - Robin. - My liege. - It's good to see you. - Now he's said the word! You haven't given up your quest for the Holy Grail? He is sneaking away and... Shut up! - No, far from it. - You said the word again. I was looking for it here in this forest. - No, it is far from this place. - Stop saying the word! - The word we cannot hear! - Stop it! - He said "it" again! - That's it! I've said "it." I've said "it." I've said "it" again! That's three "its"! And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. A year passed. Winter changed into spring. Spring changed into summer. Summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn. Until one day. Knights, forward! What manner of man are you that can summon up fire - without flint or tinder? - I am an enchanter. - By what name are you known? - There are some who call me... - Tim. - Greetings, Tim the enchanter! Greetings, King Arthur. - You know my name? - I do. You seek the Holy Grail. That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Tim. Quite. Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail. - Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. - Yes, it is. - And so we're looking for it. - Yes, we are. - We have been for some time. - Ages. So, anything you could do to help would be very - helpful. - Look, can you tell us where... Fine, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but I don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a... A what? A grail? Yes, I think so. Yes. Yes! - Thank you. - Splendid! Look, you're a busy man... Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. To the north, there lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog. Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. - Where could we find this cave, Tim? - Follow! But follow only if ye be men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. What an eccentric performance! They're nervous, sire. Then we'd best leave them here and carry on, on foot. Dismount! Behold the Cave of Caerbannog! - Right, keep me covered. - What with? - Just keep me covered. - Too late. There he is! - Where? - There. - What, behind the rabbit? - It is the rabbit. - You silly sod! - What? You got us all worked up. That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. - It's a killer! - Get stuffed. - He'll do you up a treat, mate! - Yeah? - You manky Scots git! - I'm warning you. - What's he do? Nibble your bum? - He's got huge, sharp... It can leap about... - Look at the bones! - Go on, Bors, chop its head off. Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up. Look! - Jesus Christ! - I warned you! - I've done it again. - I warned you. But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn't you? It's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. - I always... - Shut up! Charge! Run away! - How many did we lose? - Gawain. - Ector. - And Bors. That's five. - Three. - Three. We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite. Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? - Shut up and change your armor. - Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. Like what? Well... - Have we got bows? - No. - We have the Holy Hand Grenade. - Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. It's one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade. How does it... How does it work? - I know not, my liege. - Consult the Book of Armaments. Armaments 2: 9-21. "And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest "'blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' "And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon "the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans "and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..." Skip a bit, Brother. "The Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, "'then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. "'Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, "'and the number of the counting shalt be three. "'Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, "'excepting that thou then proceed to three. "'Five is right out. "'Once the number three, being the third number be reached, "'then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch "'towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, "'shall snuff it."' Amen. Amen. Right. One, two, five! - Three, sir! - Three! There! Look! - What does it say? - What language is that? Brother Maynard, you're our scholar. It is Aramaic! Of course. Joseph of Arimathea! - Of course. - What does it say? It reads, "Here may be found "the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. "'He who is valiant and pure of spirit "'may find the Holy Grail "'in the Castle of Aaargh."' What? "The Castle of Aaargh." What is that? He must have died while carving it. - Come on! - That's what it says. Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh." - He'd just say it. - That's what's carved in the rock. - Perhaps he was dictating it. - Shut up! - Does it say anything else? - No! Just "Aaargh." Aaargh. Do you suppose he meant the Camargue? - Where's that? - In France, I think. - Isn't there a St. Aaargh's in Cornwall? - No, that's St. Ives. St. Ives. No, "Aaargh." At the back of the throat. No, "Ooh," in surprise and alarm! - You mean a sort of an "Ah!" - Yes, that's right. My God! It's the legendary Black Beast of... That's it! Run away! Keep running. We've lost him. As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue. There it is! - The Bridge of Death. - Great. Look! There's the old man from Scene 24. - What's he doing here? - He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions. - Three questions. - Three questions. - He who answers the five questions... - Three questions. - ...three questions, may cross in safety. - What if you get a question wrong? Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. - Oh, wacko. - Who's going to answer the questions? Brave Sir Robin, you go. I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go? Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. - I shall make a feint to the northeast... - Hang on! - Just answer the five questions... - Three questions. ...three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray. I understand, my liege. Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you. Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see. Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. - What is your name? - My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. What is your favorite color? - Blue. - Right. Off you go. Well, thank you very much. That's easy. Stop. Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see. Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. - What is your name? - Sir Robin of Camelot. - What is your quest? - To seek the Holy Grail. What is the capital of Assyria? I don't know that! Stop! - What is your name? - Sir Galahad of Camelot. - What is your quest? - I seek the Grail. - What is your favorite color? - Blue. No! Yellow! Stop! - What is your name? - It is Arthur, King of the Britons. - What is your quest? - To seek the Holy Grail. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? What do you mean? An African or European swallow? I don't know that! How do you know so much about swallows? You have to know these things when you're a king. Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end. God be praised. Almighty God, we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy... Jesus Christ! Hello, stuffy English knights and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time. How dare you profane this place with your presence? I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us. How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behavior. I wave my private parts at your aunties. You cheesy lot of second-hand, electric donkey-bottom biters! In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing! You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms. If you'll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of God and the glory of our... Right! That settles it! Depart at this time, and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles. Walk away, just ignore them. And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, stuffy English knights! - We shall attack at once. - Yes, my liege. Stand by for attack! French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. Charge! Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure. - Come on. - Put this man in the van. - Put him in the van. - Get a blanket over that one. Come on, back! Right back! That's an offensive weapon, that is. All right, sonny, that's enough. Pack that in. Come in, Eagle 6! Come in, Eagle 6! Report your situation! 'Main Mission to Reconnaissance Party, come in. please don't go Seki.Don't worry I won't harm anybody I'm no child I know what I'm doing Young Master! Gensuke! Seki! Ooming Where's my son? So he is So he's gone He'II be back You've spoiled him! My child shouIdn't disobey me like this I regret I sent him to a university This house will decoy after I'm gone Sorry to have kept you waiting I Iike music That's fine You like classical music,Mihoko? Yes.Junkichi bought these records? I Iike all of them I'm afraid I'm too old for them Where's Junkichi? To tell you the truth... It seems that he kind of disagreed with it Sir,this... Gone to Koyuki You quarreIed. We could hear you OouIdn't we? I'm sorry.I'm ashamed of him Don't take it too serious Anyway wants to resist his father when he's young He should be strong Or he can't make your family thrive He's just a kid He's yet to grow up Junkichi He's such a fool I don't know what to do? Mihoko We were invited to dinner with Junkichi What'II we do? Where to go? Anything you and Mr.Sonoda wish I'm sorry for you Mihoko Don't be I Iove Junkichi I'm happy to marry a man from such a respectable family You'II be a nice bride My son doesn't deserve you I wonder what Koyuki is like I'II take Koyuki to him To whom? The Master Let him beat her so he'II punish us No No.He won't see us again What can we do? We're paying evil for his kindness It's an unforgivable That's right That's quite right What's the matter? He's coming The young Master? I can hear his footsteps Footsteps? I hear nothing I can hear What'II I do? Koyuki Oome back How are you? Young Master! Koyuki Back? Yes You know I Iove her? You shouldn't.Your world is different from hers Don't worry Whatever may happen I'II settle it Where is she? She said She heard your footsteps She flew away like a turtle dove Koyuki Young Master Not again! Don't call me like that What else can I call you? I have a name,Junkichi Sonoda Don't call me like that I told you No,sir Koyuki I got you You are a turtle What'II I do? Your kindness is too much Oh,cut it out What were you praying about? I Iike praying alone Just praying I always come here praying For me? How? Don't punish him If you have to punish me now Koyuki,look up Look at me Do you remember that day? I was ill OouIdn't continue my study and came back from Kyoto You were praying there You saw me and said, God listened to me You're back! Then you ran away You were in the sixth grade That was when the turtledove built its nest in my heart Koyuki No matter what,my love for you will never wither or dry. Do you understand? Koyuki please forget it Young master I'm a country girl without education I'm not quiet in bed I talk in my sleep My teeth chatter I take chances and steal food I'm always hungry And? And I'm very selfish And? And... I'm stupid And? And... And I'm not good at anything That's why I Iove you What should I do? I don't know what to do Ok,stop it I Iove you.I need you You love me,too? Koyuki.You Iove me,too? I don't deserve you Trust me and wait Understand? Yes It's a promise If I can help you... If I can be of any help... When I was born,mountains of celebratory cakes were made Heir to the wealth,I'd be glad to trade it for Koyuki AII I want is a life with her Oome,Hardship! I won't care I welcome it. Is it only because I'm rich and thoughtless The answer will be given when you see what life we're leading The reaction will be suffering Anyway,the pair of turtles is ready to fly I see We have to face the setbacks Looking at the far blue sky Sonoda,is that fiction? No Is everything in it true? Yes I was supposed to read Morgan's Ancient History And my understanding about it But I feel I have no time for that I wanted you to know what's on my mind I wanted to be sure what I'm doing To tell the truth... I've been lonely ever since I joined this literary society You all have jobs You talk about literature and life based on your jobs Yoshiwara,you told us a story before When you cut down a tree you fell it's crying with pain I'm a woodcutter That's it You simply say " I'm a woodcutter The words alone beat me This is a kind of confidence But I can't Otani You talk about your student's struggle Or about struggles among the teachers I Iive among piles of books Oan a real literature or life be born from such idleness? To me your stories sound like great novels Me,I have no job I am nothing but Just an heir to a big estate I understand You've been lonely The same with us We've kept some distance from you But now we know what you're thinking We've covered the distance You have a path of thorns ahead of you.A hard time for you The nation too.1834 For the country too for she's losing the war But this love must be accomplished I hope you'II make it I cut trees in Mr.Sonoda's woods I know Koyuki well The path she'II walk is made of needles I'II keep my word She trusts me She'II wait till I'm graduated will you go back to your university Yes.She wants me to keep studying I'II work,too To be a tuito I'II be financially independent. You're determined KYOTO Somebody's going to war "My father wanted to apologize "But the Master refused to see him "What if he loses his job as a game keeper because of me? "My mother is worried "But my ears are closed to their voices open only to yours welcome home You've a guest Who? You know whom A pretty girl welcome home Sorry to interrupt you What do you want? I was asked by your father to give you this letter Thanks Is that all? Nothing else I was told to be sure you read the letter I've brought something to eat This is my mother's gift for you She thinks you need a woman's hands My father wants me to let you take care of me But I'II go home Than take me with you No But my father told me to Suit yourself! Wait! How dare you! It's for the sake of the Master We owe him a Iot You could grow up because he helped us financially His pleasure is For us,for the Young Master's Understand? I'II write a letter to the Young Master to say goodbye No Gensuke won't like that He's trying to help you Be patient.You've got to Iearn patience Time is a good healer Try to forget Hi! I hear you're going away tomorrow Yes You'II be lonely but be patient She understands She's a good girl You're obedient,aren't you? I see I Iike you,too I'II tell the Master how good you are please do I understand Say goodbye to the Young Master for me AII right He came back yesterday Is he back? I mean his letter came yesterday He won't be back for summer vacation The new school term has just started He can't come back "Young Master,as the people around me wish I say goodbye please forget about me But I'II never forget your kindness and affection I'II always be wishing you happiness Forgive me for leaving you Iike this.Goodbye It's such a beautiful day! On the other side of this hill You'II see someone with a bull on the sea Work hard for your new employer He knows the Master He'II tell on you if you're negligent What's wrong? It's him! What? The Young Master is coming Koyuki! I won't leave you I Ieft home We'II get married AII right? AII right? They started living together in a small seaside town Dunes surrounded the town Hi! Koyuki! I've got it ! It's heavy welcome home I borrowed it That's fine It's hard work I'm a porter now welcome home It's nice you got a job I'II haul some baggage tomorrow To Yoshioka Apa Is it far? Yes.I'II take my lunch I'II help you No You're Mrs.Sonoda You must stay home Why the look? I'm sorry You had a big future but I ruined it I'm happy Don't you understand? You can leave me any time What are you saying? I'II punish you for that I'm sorry for you We had no wedding ceremony Everyday is our wedding day Now and forever.AII our lives Good afternoon! Is Mr.Sonoda in? Yes Oome in Young Master! Don't be upset They're my friends Don't call me young Master They'II laugh What else can I call you? "Dear" or "Junkichi." I can't hello welcome Like a party We came to honor the turtledoves that left the cage Thank you How's your married life Mrs.Sonoda? hello,Mrs.Sonoda They are calling you I'm embarrassed! Imagine you're on a honeymoon This guide book will help you Thanks He's a stationmaster Not for twenty years You will be Keep a pair of finches in this Wish you Iike it Thanks.I'II get them I brought these things from my shop Not much of a gift Wish you Iike it I need them Thank you very much I'm a farmer I raised some adzuki beans Make rice cake with them Where's the rice? I haven't any I cut down trees most of my time I have no rice paddy I have rice.I'II make rice cake Thank you very much This isn't much of a gift I made it myself please take it It's tower Thank you! TurtIedoves! TurtIedoves are on it! Very nice gift! Mine is simple A pair of teacups And this This is a picture by one of my fourth grade students Koyuki Look at it when you're lonely beautiful mountains! What's wrong? I ran out of soy sauce But nobody lat me have it We're outcasts They're afraid of the Master They say Koyuki is not human What? A fox or a snake got into me when I took a nap so they say Is Junkichi at the lumber yard? Yes.It pays better With the woodcutter? Yes.Mr.Yoshiwara is very kind He cares about others Oome here This way,be careful Get up,be careful Watch You all right? Yes.Thanks You haven't got used to it But I've got to do it That's right Or they'II say you only talk really? He sleeps on your lap? Yes He looks tired though he never says he is He sleeps on my lap when he comes home I envy you I wish my late husband had slept on my lap once sleep little hare and never roam It is snowing on your mountain home Mr.Sonoda! please come in Sasmoto and Tanaka Are recruited by the army Tanaka is worried How awful! He is crazy Even a mailman like him? His wife is pregnant She'II have a hard time We are the same We'II have to volunteer to be nurses We'II be bombed sooner or later Hurry! Put out the fire! Put out the fire! hello will you join the fire drill? You're lame It's war.You can't stay home even if you're lame I think he's too old for the drill Is she out? Give him this awful! How awful! He's drafted! It came at last Did my son send you to me? No.It's my idea He's going to war He may die I hope you'II forget the past You must send him to war from your house as your son That way you can protect your honor And you can perpetuate your family lineage please forgive him You're a teacher so you talk sense will you agree? I'm impressed I won't say no.But on one condition Oondition? Like what? First,I want him to get rid of that girl I want him to apologize Oan you convince him? frankly... I can't do that She's very nice A fine woman Few hearts are as pure as hers It may be hard for you,but please try to understand and give your consent please You think you can reason me down? Don't put my son and a poor girl on the same plane You're prejudiced You believe some are born respectable,others base? fool! A cheap school teacher what do you know? To you I may look like an old mule But my family is 300 years old I have to perpetuate it How would you know how I feel? Were you born in an old family like mine? Leave! I was provoked at that moment,but... I calmed myself I think I pity Sonoda's father What do you mean? He's bound by his wealth gold chilled his blood and made him blind In other words he's no man He's the guardian of his land his forefathers left to him He's a statue more like a corpse Stop it! please stop it! He is my husband's father Don't speak ill of his father Let me join you The neighbors wished you lucked Thanks They're kind Let's drink to his good health and good luck Oheers! Oheers! Oheers! A long life! Let's be merry tonight We might hear Grandpa's song Koyuki,you promised to sing for me tonight Not with so many listeners Don't be sky Junkichi's going to war Sing,Koyuki Let me hear It might be our last night Sing for me! AII right.I'II sing Great! Ah... Let... Us go And see that flowers Ah... From then on... I learnt how to cut trees How to throw flowers Into village Isn't Junkichi back? Not yet,sir I see.He doesn't want to come home No more I'II go to bed No fool! Koyuki Let's have wings on our hearts from now on Wings? On wings of song... Our hearts can meet no matter how far we're apart Understand? Let's have faith in that Yes If anything happens ask Otani for help Ok I'm am optimistic type I can live happily alone I have the birds glad to hear that Dear I Iike your short hair You were cute when you were in grade school Don't talk that way Oame back! Oome back alive! There are enemy Hide,quick Hide Rest! Sonoda,it's about time It's about time Keep your promise Let her keep her promise Ok Thank you You are welcomed Ah... Let... Us go And see that flowers Ah... From then on... I learnt how to cut trees How to throw flowers Into village Try hard! It looks like Junkichi still lives here She's considerate She's back hello It's nice to see you again I hear you work hard every day I should I have nothing else to do You've lost weight Koyuki No I Iove to work in the sun really But... Hard work migh wreck your health No He's at war,suffering hardship I want to share it I sing the song for him every day at the fixed time He sings for me,too. I'm happy.I want to thank everybody Koyuki We thought about you and decided We came to ask you to go back to your parents in the mountains Then you can have a rest Mr.Sonoda won't know you're back Mr.Otani.Miss Kawada Thank you When the war ends he'II come back here To this place! How can I go to the mountains? I hear Saon went to war too I used to work hard so army life is easy You must be fine I hear you sing everyday You sound fine Road construction is pleasant work for me Eight women work together I'm the youngest One day when we had a rest I asked them how we could be happy "Yasu,the leader,said "We'II be happy if we win this war Then Ogen complained My man was crippled because of the war How can I be happy? Thus we started to argue But our enemy is the rain It prevents us from getting jobs Women are having a hard time back home Enemy! Get down! Get down! Watch out! Be careful Koyuki! Mr.Otani terrible! The War Office's notice of death! Mr.Otani told me Mr.Sasamoto and Mr Tanaka were dead When I got home crying I found the birds dead in the cage You liked them very much but they're dead Forgive me Three days later Mr.Otani was drafted,too What are you doing now? You stopped writing to me I can't hear your voice at the usual time "Has something happened to you?" tell me She works as hard as a strong man She's exhausted But she doesn't say she's tired,does she? Of course not The war doesn't seem to be ending She works at a hospital now At a hospital? They need nurses She has no license but she can help I didn't know Maybe it's easier than carrying logs,but... She gladly nurses those who are seriously ill usually they don't do it trouble is she comes home late and coughs hard I'm worried But nothing can stop her when she's determined That's right Koyuki hello,Mr.Yoshiwara Fine? Yes.Thank you Did Junkichi write to you recently? No I haven't received letter for months really? I got one yesterday His letter? The war and hardship changed him Why? What did he say in the letter? He apologizes to his father apologize? ! He'II marry a girl his father chooses I didn't want to tell you but I couldn't be silent You are so poor! Let me see it! please let me see the letter! He also wanted me to show it to his father not to you After all,he's weak Born with a silver spoon in his mouth You'd better go back to your parents Take care of yourseIf.Goodbye No matter what,I Iove him with all my heart.So I'm happy No matter what he wrote he was able to write It proves he's alive I'm happy I've made things for the baby I'II have when he comes back But it's a dream after all Are you crying? When you feel like crying,cry hard When you feel better after crying,eat the eggs Ration for old people They'II nourish you I want you to be as fresh and as a turtledove cheerful You told her that? You're Master Junkichi's friend She believed you How cruel! I have to do whatever the Master tells me Or I can't cut trees in the forests If I can't cut trees my family will starve to death I have no choice The Master wants you Yes 1946.The war finally ended Japanese soldiers were repatriated But Junkichi wasn't No new about him How is she? She must be glad to see you She used to be as fresh as the morning sun She's changed NaturaIIy.Hardship can change anybody hello Any news from Junkichi? No letters His father is stubborn as ever There are things that change and thing that don't change Ah... Let... Us go And see that flowers Ah... Do you sing today? Time to sing Listen to me I sing for you Listen! The Master dead! The Master? ! He was scolding a peasant when he had a stroke He died instantly really? really? What fate! I haven't seen him for so long I'II never see him again We own him a Iot,but... How I hated him! What are you saying? Forgive me,Master We didn't go to see Koyuki even when she fell ill But in my heart I've been longing to see her That's natural I'm her mother You're right.I know how you feel You do? Thank you I'II go see her I've no reason not to now He's dead You can't stop me! Nothing Oan Am I wrong? That's why I came Go immediately! Do you feel better? I am here to tell you that Master is dead Are you crying for him? He didn't approve of your marriage.You should've hated him No The Master was stubborn That's why I can love Junkichi so firmly I thank him for that Koyuki will you forgive me? It was a lie that Junkichi gave me a letter The mater wanted me to tell you that I'm sorry You cut down tress in his woods You couldn't say no to the Master You've family to support You had to do that I understand Forgive me.Koyuki please forgive me Yoshiwara It must have been hard for you to do that The most important thing for us to do is this help each other Rid the world of bitter felling and sorrow... So no one will suffer again will you do that? Oan you see? See the dunes? I'm happy I'm ill,but I ca see such a beautiful sight The dunes change their shapes He went to war over the dunes When will he came back across them? When will it be? Hi! Koyuki! Nice to see you again You look better today Koyuki,They want me to tell you this Mr.Otani and Miss Kawada are getting married OongratuIations Thank you Have nice children For me,too That box This? open it Oh! Baby clothes! You can have them You've prepared for your baby But I can't have a child anymore please please Father Mother I've brought your favorite food Try to eat What's wrong? Koyuki! Koyuki! I'II cook it for you.Wait Oome on! Good? It's him! He's coming back! I can hear them! His footsteps! He's coming home! Oome on,Koyuki pull yourself together! I regret I'm ill when he's coming home What can I do? I'm sorry.I'm very sorry Get the doctor Hurry! Oome Home! while everybody's in my room only she can hear Sonoda's footsteps He is back He's back at long last I'm very glad I'm very glad What do you want to say? Speak up He's... Iate I'm back! Koyuki! The Young Master's back! Koyuki,I'm back Look at me.I'm here Dear I can't help you as your wife I'm sorry Don't be Sorry fool! You've suffered a Iot But not any more We'II be together from now on I want to go back to the mountains I see AII right.Let's go back Our way is clear You'II go back to the mountains as Mr.Sonoda I... Never... Thought... I was... Mrs... Sonoda Koyuki You were loyal to my father who was cruel to you Koyuki Koyuki Koyuki Koyuki Koyuki died I wanted to have our wedding and her funeral at one time people might laugh at me But Koyuki found,by dying a place in my heart... Where she would live forever I wanted to make her my wife legally She's here Ready... Ah... The bride has arrived Every couples will ends well Koyuki.Here we are Your home Here I am Ooming Ooming Father-in-Iaw.Mother-in-Iaw Oome over here Oome in,villagers please Mr.Otani will you say something for Koyuki? Koyuki Mrs.Koyuki Sonoda You're still alive in our hearts You'II as long as your husband lives OongratuIations villagers Thank you for attending my wedding Thank you! Koyuki and I Ieft this village three years ago Then the war took me from her It separated me from my beloved wife Now I returned to this house with Koyuki Not as the keeper of a fortune I want to spend it I'II make use of my money... To save unhappy women like Koyuki She's my legal wife now She still lives in my heart She'II be happy to see me do it I understand well Therefore,it's a happy night Everybody.OongratuIate us We're happy. It's a happy night She'II be buried in the Sonoda family plot She's going to join the Sonoda family at last We'II bury her tomorrow We'II say goodbye to her tomorrow.Drink for her Koyuki had a good heart So gentle,so kind There's nobody like her She was like Buddha The Young Master is missing Gensuke is looking The Bride is missing,too Koyuki we're alone now It's been a Iong tome Let's sing our song together Ah... Let... Us go And see that flowers Ah... From then on... I learnt how to cut trees How to throw flowers Into village A Triangular Trap Screenplay Yoon Sam-yook Mun Suk Oh Ji-myung Baek Il-seob Yu Jang-hyeon Director Lee Man-hee Let me go over the details of the will again. The inheritance can be passed on only after being legally married. Here is something you must remember. If I marry a man named Lee Sang-guk all that inheritance will go to someone else. Right. If you don't mind, what is your relationship with Lee Sang-guk? I'm only asking as the lawyer in charge of the huge inheritance. I hope you understand. He raped me when I was in college. He kidnapped me while I was pregnant. He kept me locked up to have his baby. It was in a basement. I was locked up for seven months. To ensure he gets an inheritor. He is serving time in prison now. Thank you for driving me. Always remember your aunt's will. Please get married quickly so that I'm done with the job. I didn't want the inheritance. My life was ruined because I was selected as the inheritor. Money can't make up for that. Anyway I won't let the inheritance dictate my life. Well... Goodbye. Ms. Choe Ji-suk. - I'm not a bad person. - Who are you? I'm... Not bad looking. What shall I do with you? Where are you going? Come here! What's going on? - What the heck! - This man is... You, shut up. - Never seen a man beat a woman like this. - What? You, bastard! Where are you going like a street cat? Come here! You, punk! Die, you bastard! Eat this broom! - Here it is. - Thanks. Thank you. Are you okay? - Yes, are you? - Well, I'm... - Do you live around here? - Over there. Let's go. I'll see you home. So you live in an apartment? - Yes, Block 2, over there. - Really? - Where do you live? - Over that way. - Is it far? - Not really. It's so late, my landlady's not going be happy. I'll get going then. Take care going home. - Good bye. - Bye. Why do you look startled? No, it's nothing. You're late. Thank you for keeping an eye out. Sir! Sir! Oh, hello. - Hello. - Hi. - Thank you for yesterday. - It's nothing. - You're not heading home, are you? - No. - I was going for lunch. - Are you? - Please join me. - I won't say no. What do you like to eat? Anything that's warm and soupy. Can I ask you what you do? I teach students going for college entrance exams. Oh? How come a teacher can fight so well? I thought you were a boxer. What subject do you teach? Fighting. Oh, I've offended you. I'm good at martial arts as well as boxing. You want to learn from me? What I meant was... - Would've come in handy yesterday. - You've got me wrong. Or you can hire me as a bodyguard. You're really mad at me. Yes, I am. A young woman from a fashion design studio asks a passing man to a fancy place orders unusual food and says insulting things to him. I have a thing against rude young girls like that. You're no gentleman either. I won't force you to have a meal that you don't enjoy. Let's go. I'm hungry so I'll just eat this. Delicious, as expected. Who? Choe Ji-suk? Oh, Miss Choe. Please hold on. - Miss Choe, a call for you. - Okay. Hello, this is Suk. - I'm sorry to call you. - Who is this? The father of the baby in your belly that got murdered. It's been a while, Suk. So you aunt passed away suddenly. We have to meet. Let go! Kill me! Just kill me! If you don't, I'll starve myself to death. It's just a matter of time. Just kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Don't waste your energy. You will have the baby here and then go out. Who said I was going to have the baby? - The baby is already in your belly. - I won't give birth to it. It's been there for four months, it's not going to just evaporate. I will kill it. It will die with me. Have the baby and hold it in your arms. Your mind will change. Nonsense! Me have your baby? I'd rather have the baby of a dog, a pig or a rat! Is that how much you hate me? Why, why, why? Why? Hello. Hello. From the silence I can tell it's you, Suk. If you won't see me, then I will go and meet Kim Yeong-il. What? You don't want me to see him, do you? Let go of me! It's not a crime to be with someone you love! I'm Suk's husband! I'm the father of the child in her belly! Let go of me, you bastards! I'll kill you all! Damn this world! The world isn't fair to a poor young man! Suk! I love you! Two villains killed my baby that lived in your belly for seven months. Your dead aunt and you. You got the doctors to kill my child. I've paid for my crime in prison but what will you do about yours? You will soon find out. I will tell you. By the way, you are going to marry a named Kim Yeong-il, right? I'm going to allow your marriage to him. What do you mean? I won't interfere. He's the only son of a very prestigious family. His parents are well and alive back in their hometown. If you want to marry into that family... Shouldn't you seal my lips? So? Money. The inheritance. I want some of your easy money. Is that all you have to say? So what will it be? You are an unforgivable crook! You're not going to regret this? - Did you wait long? - No. I'm sorry. So where to today? Excuse me. Can I borrow your light? Oh... You lit the wrong end. - Are you sleepy? - No. Don't you want to know about my past? I already know. You lost your parents when you were young. Your aunt who was a childless widow raised you preciously. The end. You don't know what happened after that. - A very dark past... - A dark past? Something that's unforgivable. How can you have a dark past with your angelic face? If I'm late, my landlady won't open the door for me. Good bye then. Okay. It's for you. Who is it? It's me. There's nobody else? I thought the man was here. Some man left this for you. - Make sure you lock the door. - Good night. Good night. I was a little jealous but what I need is money. What are you going to do? I'll give you two days. That shadow on the wall could be me. Isn't that creepy? Let's take another one. Great! Just like that. I think you'll be better as a model than a fashion designer. Look at the camera! Sunflower fashion studio. It's me, Lee Sang-guk. I want your answer by tomorrow. I don't want to follow you and your lover boy around anymore. I won't give you a penny, you thief! Hello? What are you talking about? It's me, Kim Yeong-il. I'm sorry. I was mistaken. Sorry. I was shocked. Are loan sharks after you or something? You know the picture we took last time? I have them. Will you come and join me for lunch? It's my treat. Is anything the matter? - No, I'll come. - I'll meet you at Forever. Look at this mean guy! Doesn't he look familiar? No. His face looks familiar. Just for a minute. Having a fine time? You look very happy. Why not get rid of such a pestering guy? Please go. I will. But I will back here in 30 minutes. I want you to be alone then, okay? Sorry, did you order? What shall we have? - Let's go somewhere else. - What? - Hey! - Yes? - A hamburger. - Okay. - Hello. - Hi. Hey. There you are. Let me use this table. Geez, I've been all over the place looking for you. It's been a long time. Give me a cigarette. I'm broke. No money for a cigarette. Why would you look for me? Don't say that. You miss your buddies more than girls. Our business is finished. Finished? What's finished? Oh, come on. Don't scowl at me. You know I'm not the kind of guy to get scared. Our deal may be over but you know a man's greed doesn't work that way. Think about it. I can't walk away from such a big business with only 100,000 won. You wouldn't if you were me, would you? Do I have to kill you? - No, no. - You, bastard. Don't be like this. Just make me happy. I'm not good at anything except ruining other people's business. I have to go. Enjoy your food. By the way, I don't want your cigarette. The inheritance is not in my hands yet. It won't be mine until I get married. What do you mean? You can talk to the lawyer here. So that's what it says in the will. Do you think I deserve to become a married woman? That mean old hag! So inheriting the money is nothing but a sweet dream. Then get married. To who? To that rascal. You want me to marry for you? Because you blackmail me? Shut up! I have to take the train to Daejeon tonight. Let's talk more later. Do you Kim Yeong-il and Choe Angela choose to be married of your own free will? Do you swear to love and respect each other for the rest of your lives? Our Lord will bless this union of a man and a woman in the church. No human will be able to undo the holy binding of Our Lord. - We're back. - Congratulations, Miss. Now my job is done. Thank you. I congratulate your marriage with all my heart. I wish you happiness. I've packed for your trip. But you should look at again. Thank you. I've made lunch for you. You should eat before leaving. Our flight leaves... You have about an hour to spare. - That's enough time to eat, right? - Sure. Your suitcases are ready in your bedroom upstairs. I'll set the table. When you come back from your honeymoon, I'd like to go back to my hometown. The old lady's spirit haunts me here... Miss, your aunt was such a good person. She even left a part of her inheritance for me. But I'm donating it all to a nursing home. Why? If you haven't done anything, you shouldn't be spending her hard-earned money. My faith won't allow me to. Is hard for you to understand? Not wanting money for free is a having conscience. Come in. You are a murderer. I'm a witness. The honeymoon should be canceled. This is a divorce paper with my signature. I should report the murderer, shouldn't I? Do it. But you have to believe this one thing. Don't tell me you did it because you loved me. My conscience doesn't want to hear it. But it's true. And I can't take off this ring. According to my religion... Lee Sang-guk! I was in it together with Lee Sang-guk who got you pregnant against your will. It was all a set-up how I met you from the start. It was a play to steal your inheritance in a legal way. I know you won't believe me. But hear me out. Park Chun-ho who tried to rape you on the street was just a paid actor. His role was to get you interested in me who came out of nowhere. Sang-guk called you out and started blackmailing you. He borrowed my light to threaten you. He even appeared in our picture at the park to pressure you. He came to the restaurant, drank my tea and got you to meet him again. 30 minutes later, he found out why you didn't have the inheritance yet. So the marriage wasn't in the script but it had to happen. Now the inheritance is passed on, the play is over and now the actors need to get paid. What a pity. You have to pay the actors. Hey, your mother has passed away. Your younger brother left for Seoul to find you a month and a half ago. Do you Kim Yeong-il and Choe Angela choose to be married of your own free will? Our Lord will bless this union of a man and a woman in the church. No human will be able to undo the holy binding of Our Lord. Is there anything more you want to know? I'm afraid I don't know anything more. So she's married. Yes, like I said. I see. Oh, my goodness! You played me! Why, this door! You, fools! Didn't think I'd find you, huh? Geez... I have a talent for sniffing things out... Where are your eyes? I should wring your neck! Oh, here is my buddy. Let's talk. You, bastard! Shall I just kill you? That's what I want to do! I'll kill you with my own hands! - Let me talk! - You, bastard! Where is Sang-guk? I don't know, you bastard. - And the girl? - Who knows? - So what happened to you? - Me? I heard you're splurging these days. Sang-guk is missing, you're splurging and the girl has moved away. What about me, Park Chun-ho? Huh? Am I just a scarecrow? You were just a puppet from the start. You've got me all wrong. Did you think I'd just walk away? If you don't, no choice but for you to die. Hey, wait! Let's take a break! Come over here. Sit down over there. Shall I report it? Shall I report Sang-guk is missing? You or the girl must know. Get off me. Just a nice fat check and I won't bother you again. Payment, huh? How did you get rid of him? Did you do it together or alone? Watch your mouth or I will have to kill you. Okay, okay. Oh, my shoulders. Hey, want to get a drink somewhere? Oh, my shoulders. - Which way you going? - This way. Let's go. That idiot! Why are you here? Do you need more money? I'm the murderer and you're the witness. I'm just a fish caught in a net, right? Why are you just standing there? Tell me! Tell me! What are here you for? No! Tell me! Wipe that Buddha-like expression off your face! Reveal your devil's teeth hidden in you men and tell me! I came because I wanted to see you. Is this cruel and pathetic play still not over yet? You wanted to see me? Do you think you could move my heart with such words? That I'd have any of our bygone love left in me? That I'd cry? That'd try and hold on to you? It's me. Park Chun-ho. The girl sure has a nice house. - So? - I envy her. You are so lucky with women. If you start coming to this house, I will kill you with my own hands. No, I followed you because I have business with you. What business? I want to teach you how to spend money. Geez, such a nice house! Let's go. It's cold. Who are you? You don't recognize me. But I surely remember you... I'm not sure if... So you don't remember me. Allow me to take a seat. Please join me. I'm a friend of Lee Sang-guk, ma'am. I haven't seen him for a long time. I thought you might know him since he's your ex-husband. I don't know anything about him. Really? What a cold-hearted guy. But I saw him a few days ago in Jongno... - Why are you so surprised? - It's nothing. I've been a nuisance. Umm... If he ever comes back to see you, then tell him Park, Mr. Park, P-A-R-K, Park Chun-ho came to see him. I'll be going then. Mr. Park, Park Chun-ho. No, please wait here. You stay out of this. - You have to wait here. - I said it's okay. - Please, no! - She saw me. Just go! You're reading. That's nice. No news of him yet, right? Of course not. What a cold day. Hey, girl! Get me a cup of hot coffee. Please be straight with me. Who are you? I'm not a cop so don't worry. You're scared of cops, huh? Let's make a deal. Let's have a quiet talk about your ex-husband Lee Sang-guk who was murdered. Let's go to your room. Who killed him? Tell me. You were wearing a gown. Get up! Did Yeong-il do it? Why aren't you saying anything? Come over here. Did you kill him? Tell me. Who was it? I killed him. Well done. A guy who harassed such a beauty deserves it. You did good. From now on, I will make you feel better. Stay still. I won't try and hide what I did. You can report me or take my money. You can do whatever. But please don't do this. Oh, my baby. Ow, my lips. Hurts, doesn't it? Do you think you're a dog? Why do you bite? Oh, my lips. Hurts, right? Hurts me, too. Who is it? Why, you! You, stupid bastard! Get out! What? She's not yours! - Get out! - That stupid bastard! That idiot has the worst timing. She's not yours! - Get out! You! - Fine! I'm going. Let go of me. You're bad luck! Please don't go. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. You don't even beat dogs when they're eating. Don't you know any better? Worst timing! She's not yours! Such a small-minded idiot! She's not yours! She's not wearing your name tag. The stupid bastard! I should kick your face. - What the... - Be quiet! - I'll kill you if you make a sound. - Who are you? A ghost, you bastard! Why, you... Oh, my chest! Don't you recognize me? Who am I? Who am I? - Who am I? - Sang-guk! - Lee Sang-guk! - That's right. It's Lee Sang-guk. - Didn't expect me to be alive, did you? - Let me catch my breaths. Okay. I have nothing to do with your case. Then why do you keep coming here? Let me tell you what's going on. Get this off me! - Tell me now! - Geez... I came here to ask about your whereabouts. Bullshit! You bastard! Help! I'm dying here. Ow, my fingers. Die, you bastard! Die! Why did you want to see me? - I didn't come to fight. - Tell me. What is it? It's about the woman you love. I told you to stay away from her. I'm not your boy. Why should I take orders from you? You, bastard. Die! She has a big secret and I know it. Aren't you scared of my mouth that can utter the secret? Aren't you afraid? Bastard, I should put a gag in your mouth! I'll gladly bite onto one million won. I can kill you too. This is a waste of time. You shouldn't hit me when I have my hands up. My demand. No, let's call it my request. It sounds better that way. You have no choice but to accept my request. I want one million won in cash. Bring it to that room at 7 o'clock tonight. Don't let me down and be there on time. If you want to hold on to the money, then take the girl and run. Who knows? You might just get away. If you seal my mouth, then your what-do-you-call-it... That's right. Happiness. Happiness, you fool. You can have all the happiness in the world. That fool. It's 6:30. Thirty minutes left. Let's walk from here and go over our plan again. The hotel room is reserved under Kim Yeong-il. You go into that room before 7 and Kim Yeong-il will come at 7. To put one million won in my bruised mouth to shut it up. Then you get your revenge on him and disappear. The rest is up to the police. - Easy. - Yes, easy. We just have to kill him. But we don't want him coming back to life like you did. Why are you helping me in this plan? To have my cut. When Yeong-il is gone, what's left is the money and the girl. My next target is the girl. I can get to the girl before you. Are you impressed with my brain? - Will you take the girl on your back and run? - Leave it up to me. If I get arrested after killing Yeong-il then it'll be bad for you. I'll just have to leave it up to fate. You are such a fool, man! I bet you have no idea that my knife is waiting for you after you kill Yeong-il. You probably think that you're pretty smart. Only if you knew that you're to die even before Yeong-il comes. This is the room. I'll hold you. You climb up. There's no time. Hurry. What? Are you getting cold feet? - You go up first. - Me? Why would I go to that room? Don't you trust me? I'm a reliable guy. Come on. Be careful. You know your crippled leg, can't you get it fixed? Thanks, friend. You, stupid fool. - What's happening? - It's your fate. Am I dying? Yes. Don't worry about the girl. She'll join you soon. Operator. Hello? I'm sorry. I knocked off the handset by mistake. I see. - You're still alive. - It's been a while. Scumbags like us deserve to die like that. Why did you come back? I couldn't die because I was curious about something. Who came up with the idea to kill me? You or the girl? I was the one that threw you from the train. - It was the girl. - You are mistaken. The girl is going to die too. So don't worry about her. - Don't harm the girl. - Crap! Promise me you won't kill Ji-suk. So what if I kill her? - I'll have to kill you quietly. - Bull shit! Operator. Hello? Hello? Yes, I'm sure I heard terrible noises. I heard people fighting. Please look inside. Please hurry. I'm bleeding so much. - Bleeding? - Please come quick. - I thought it was a cab. - It must be an emergency. - Yes, could you give me ride? - All right. - Where is she? - I don't know? You don't know? Why not? Tell me! - Where did she go? - She left a little earlier. - Where to? - I don't know. You don't know? Why not? - She left after getting a call, right? - Yes. Where did she go? - I don't know. - Tell me! Where did she say she was going? - Where? - I'll tell you! Oh, no! Suk! I... I... Let's go. Let's go. You have to get up. - We can't stop here. - Suk. Ji-suk. I... I must have loved you a lot. - Isn't that right? - Yes. Perhaps I know how to love after all. Yes, you do. - Can you forgive me? - Yes. Everything's okay then. - You must hide. - No. Move out of the way! Look at my face! The face that you ruined! You killed my child! You made me a cripple! Die! Die! Don't even dream of escaping from my hands! Get up! You're going to fall from this bridge and ruin your face like mine. - Fall! - No. Don't kill her! Jump! Fall! Jump from the bridge! Fall! Get up! Jump! Fall! Will you fall with him, then? Die with your lover? Fine, if that's what you want! Come here! No! Master, as I walk these roads are there none I may call on for help when I need help? -None. -Would this not be useful? To those who would destroy us. In the past, when we have relied on our great teachers to lead us our enemies in high and low places could deal us a mortal blow by simply lopping off our heads. Now, in our oneness, we are not like a great beast which may be destroyed by a single well-planned stroke to the brain. Rather, we are like an ocean of many waves or a field of flowers. Though, one or more be uprooted the others still live with a life of their own. As a wave upon this ocean a single flower in a field of many what will the people ask of me? To lead them against their enemies, the despots, the tyrants wickedness, inequities, ignorance persecution, superstition, dishonor. Your tread must be light and sure as though your path were upon rice paper. It is said a Shaolin priest can walk through walls. Looked for, he cannot be seen. Listened for, he cannot be heard. Touched, he cannot be felt. This rice paper is the test. Fragile as the wings of the dragonfly, clinging as the cocoon of the silkworm. When you can walk its length and leave no trace you will have learned. -Slim. -What'd you expect? We're in the middle of the desert, Jonno. It's your desert. -You're the captain of this expedition. -We're on our way to Sovalo, Trim. -On the way home. -Yeah, and you pick right now to give a concert here in the middle of nowhere. And right now there ain't nobody here. There is someone here. Yeah, this sandbox is just crawling with visitors out to see the sights. Welcome to Symphony Hall, friend. Hit the pot? Jonno and I appreciate any little contribution you care to make. I have no money. -You got that, partner? -Yeah. -Are you expecting anybody else? -Here? We're on our way to Sovalo, friend. -You? -The same. -What's that gonna be? -This? -That. -l don't know. -Well, something's crossed your mind. -Yeah. -Thing I'm asking is, what? -l'm not sure. You mean to tell me you sitting there with a piece of wood in one hand a knife in the other, putting the two together with no idea what's gonna come out? -Strange? -Passing strange. I'm sitting here, I don't know where with I don't know who alongside of Mr. Guitarist who don't know where he's going. -Going to Sovalo. -You didn't know that till the day before yesterday. -Right. -Tell me, why are we going to Sovalo? -l couldn't say. -But you'll know when we get there? With any luck. And I'm going along as if I was in my right mind not even sure where l am now not to mention what I'm walking into next. May I ask, master, when I leave the temple what will be expected of me? To walk the roads of the land and use what you have learned for the needs and benefits of the people. Will I always know when to act and when to stand off? That which you do not know, the doing will quickly teach you. -Do you know Sovalo? -l was born there. -You never told me that. -You never asked. -He never asked either. -Trim it'll all come together when we get to Sovalo. Wait and see. How many times is this for you, Manuel? All right. Get out of here. You'll be all right here? -l'm home. -Hang on, hear? -Jonno? -Yes. -lt is Kwai Chang Caine. -l know. -Where is your friend? -Close by. -What will you do now? -A little food, a little music, and then.... -And then? -There's a place here in Sovalo when I was a boy. I must find it again. -And when you do? -All questions will be answered. -How can you find it? -Trim will take me there. I seem to remember a dry wash a circle of oaks, a path between the rocks. And you, what do you seek? I must find a woman and return a watch and a horse. Yeah? Mr. Barrow there's something you ought to know. Tom Hobart. -You've seen him? -Not him, no. His horse. Brought in by a drifter. There was three of them. -And Hobart? -Not a sign. -Are you sure about the horse? -Couldn't miss it. Where are these drifters? One of them is with the horse. And the others.... You better come take a look for yourself. Come on, y'all. Pick it, Jonno. Step around, folks. Come on up and drop something in the hat here. Thank you, ma'am. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Pick it. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Thanks. -Do you want them picked up? -Let them alone. Tom? Tom? Tom? He is not here. -Who are you? -l am Caine. How did you get in here? -Where's my husband? -The door was unlocked. -l was waiting for you. -Well, I was at work. I.... Mrs. Hobart your husband is dead. Dead? Yes. Are you sure? I saw him die. How? How did that happen? He fell from his horse. Struck his head. Where did it happen? About 30 miles. -And the body? -l thought it best to bury. Well, he-- -He would have been carrying a-- -l brought everything. is there nothing else? How did you find me? I am sorry, Mrs. Hobart. Are you sure that...? That there's nothing else? Certain. If there is something I can do.... Who was he? What's happened to Tom? He's dead. Where is it? -Where's the map? -That's all there was. -Mike, I swear. -About what? -Tom was smart enough not to trust you. -All right, then you find it. You saw me come in, him go out. When would I have time to hide it? He made a map. We both know that. -Probably one of those drifters. -Mike. Mike, I.... l brought Tom to you. And l-- Well, I.... -l'm a widow now and l-- -You're no worse off than you were before. -Caine? -Yes. lt is Kwai Chang Caine. -How did you know? -l could tell by your footsteps. -Did you give back the horse? -Yes. You are alone? Where is Trim? Will you be all right here all by yourself? Twenty-eight years. -What? -l've been away from Sovalo. Remember that place I told you about? -Where all questions would be answered. -Yes. The dry wash is gone. There's no circle of oaks. -You could not find it. -lt was only a place. -And Trim? -l told Trim that all of his questions would be answered too. Now, he's come a long way with me. Traveled a thousand miles in the wind, in the rain and the dust. To find a place that is not there. You understand how he felt. -You quarreled? -A little bit. -You cannot stay here. -l'll tell you what I told Trim: We're on a road lined with eucalyptus. The town is that way. That way, my cousin Raoul lives. He'll be glad to see me. -And if he too is no longer there? -Not Raoul. This cousin of yours, this Raoul I would very much like to meet him. It will happen. Raoul? Raoul? Raoul, it is Jonno. There is no one here. -What will you do? -l will wait. Here. -Boys. -Who is it? Name's Archer. Deputy sheriff. -This your house? -No. -Breaking and entering. -No, sir. This is the house of my cousin. -Turn your pockets out. -Why? You keep your mouth shut. Now, be a good boy, sonny. Do it. I have no pockets. Give me that. He cannot see. Please. No! Give it up! -Are you all right? -Yes. -You are free to go. -l do not wish to go. -Who are you? -My name is Caine. You're the one that brought in Tom Hobart's horse. -Yes. -You search his pockets? -Yes. -Why? I wished to know who he was. -Did he say anything to you before he died? -No. Tom Hobart was carrying something for me. You say you haven't got it. Or maybe it's still on his body. Or somebody's lying. I am telling the truth. Archer. I'm riding out to take a look at Tom Hobart. -He's dead. -He won't mind. Put them away. Let's go. Trim. -ls your friend speaking to me? -Yeah, I'm talking to you. Well, would you tell your friend I'm not talking to him. Trim I'm really sorry about what happened out there. Ain't but one person responsible for Trim getting his head promptly bashed in and pushed on the wrong side of these iron bars. And that fool is Trim himself. The three of you better hear this. Especially you, sonny. Word is passing around out there about what happened to Tom Hobart. You three bushwhackers just happening to be out there in the middle of nowhere when he fell off his horse. Now, some of them might just take it into their heads to pay you a visit tonight. And with the sheriff being away you can just bet I ain't gonna risk too much to hold them back. I ain't seen a hanging in a long time. Might be a treat tonight. Three of them at once. You boys got yourself a visitor. You got five minutes. -Jonno. -Raoul. I brought you something to eat. -Trim? -Yeah. -This is my cousin Raoul. -Cousin? I came a long way to meet you and it's been worth every step of the way. -What have you done, Jonno? -l've done nothing. -That is not what they say out there. -What do they say? -They talk about killing. -Sure. Why did you have to come back? Something I thought I remembered. -Not in Sovalo. -A dream, maybe. A dry wash, a bank of trees. -Cottonwood and oak. -What? Along the wash, where we played together. -A dry wash? -You remember. -There was one? -Sure. When we searched, there was no wash. -Covered over. -Why? Why? How can I find it? -What is no longer there? -Where it was, Raoul. -The trees. -Trees? Sure. They covered up the wash, but the trees are still there. -Cottonwood. -l know. Yes. Time's up. -Raoul. -You hear me, Raoul? They're still there. The circle of oaks and the path between the stones. They'll likely be there tomorrow. The question is, will we? -We must get out. -Oh, man. Hey. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name? -Raoul Marcada. -A local. He's a good boy. All right, go on home. Let's go. There's nothing to do but just wait. It'll be dark in a little while. You are Raoul Marcada? Yes. You know who I am? -Yes. -Sit down. How long has your family lived in Sovalo, Raoul? Many generations. Things are not what they used to be, are they? -No. -You know, I have Spanish blood in me. I know. Your family owns property around here. -There was a land grant. -Yes, I checked it out. Mostly desert. Dry hills. -Yes. -l'm going to do you a favor. I'm gonna take it off your hands. -Why? -Raoul don't ask too many questions. Sign. -But-- -Here's a hundred dollars for what we call an option on your land. A hundred dollars. There'll be more, if I decide to go ahead with the purchase. -But-- -Sign it. Senora, there is something you should know. What? The land does not belong to me alone. You're the last of the Marcadas. No. I have a cousin, Jonno, who has lately returned to Sovalo. -He's here now? -Yes. Where? In jail. -Let's go. -Where are we going? -As far away from Sovalo as we can. -No. I didn't hear that. Theresa! Seems to veer off a little to the left here, Jonno. Does that seem right? Follow the line of trees and through, before the last one. Or what used to be the last. It should be there. You drew a full house, Jonno. -You said you were looking for a circle. -Yes. A circle of oaks. -lt is here. -Yeah, oaks. All right, get out. If I find you anywhere near Sovalo by nightfall, you're dead! -You understand? -Yes, sir. Well, you got us this far, Jonno. What now? You are standing before a triangle of trees, looking at the rocks. Yes. Thirty steps away, there are two boulders each over 3 feet high, and brush behind them. You're the general, Jonno. All right. What now, Jonno? What do you expect to find in there, Jonno? -l don't know. -Are we back to that? All questions answered, you said. We must go in. This way. -Jonno. -Yeah? -When were you here before? -When I was a kid. -What happened then? -Something. You'll see. Listen. Right through here. -What do we do now, Jonno? -Wait. Wait? Wait. Mike? Hey, Jonno. This wait, can you give me an idea how long it's gonna be? Look. Trim? Yeah. The sunlight dripping off of the sides of the cave like a stream of honey. So thick a man could be carried off smooth and peaceful. He'd know it was all right. -Funny thing. -What? This blue stuff in this rock, I'd swear it was-- Silver. You wouldn't believe the assay report. I didn't when my husband brought a piece home. The biggest discovery of silver anywhere in these parts. He wouldn't tell me where it was. He didn't trust me. So I sent him to the sheriff to get backing. Barrow wanted to take a look at the mine before he'd invest in Tom. Tom didn't trust him either. He said he'd get the backing himself. And now.... Now it's all mine. As soon as.... -As soon as...? -One of its previous owners is out of the way. -Well, master.... -Tell me. -Body and mind as one, working in unison. -They are one! It is as though the unity may have found itself unnecessary. And all those years of rigor and discipline? What else could a man seek except this unity? As the wise farmer puts back into the land at least as much as he has taken out of it so, soon, must you give back to others what you have taken for yourself. I am ready. You are ready, grasshopper. Ready indeed. Hey. So you are rich men now. Some say. I found out what Jonno was carving all that time. Tell me. You tell me. Jonno. - Emily, I'm home. - I'm in the den, Bob. Be out in a minute. Oh, honey, there's something for you on the couch. My kids made it in class. - This? - Yeah. - You like it? - Yeah. It's nice. - What is it? - Well... it's a head mitt for your golf club. Oh. I'll try it on. It was their final class project. Tomorrow I hand out the report cards, and that's the end of the school season. - You sound like you're sad. - Well... you know, it has been my best year. You know, this could make my golf game less noisy. You know, they're a great bunch of kids, Bob. Oh, Bob... today we broke the school record for the fire drill How'd you, How'd you manage that? Well, remember we used to go down the front stairs past shop? Well, now we went down the back stairs and out the south door. Anyway, Mr. Pottinger, the vice principal- he said we cut 21 seconds off the previous school record. I guess your record is safe until fall, and then they'll be gunning for you again. Bob, since you're dusting, could you catch that table leg? Well, the kids are throwing a farewell party for me tomorrow. - Gee, I'm really gonna miss them. - Well, happens every year. What's that saying- "No more pencils, no more books"- I'll get it. "No more pencils, no more books"- - Oh, Mr. Pottinger. - "No more teachers' dirty looks." - Bob, you remember Rex Pottinger. - Oh. Oh, yeah. The principal. Vice principal-although someday, if I keep my nose clean, who can tell? - Come on in. - Thanks. Oh, I've got news. Guess what happened in school today after you left? Someone broke Emilys record. Oh, no. That's not likely to happen during our lifetime. But my news is exciting nonetheless. Camp Thundercloud is about to become a reality. I got my permit today. Oh, really. Oh, that's wonderful. Come on in. Sit down. Bob, Mr. Pottinger's dream has always been to open a summer camp of his own. That's right. Since I was a kid, every night I had this dream where I married Brigitte Bardot... and then we opened our own camp together. I'm surprised you got to the camp part. Well, anyway, Emily, I have a proposal to make. - I want you to be my "Honcho? - Honcho? Yes. Oh, it's a nickname for camp administrator. Yeah. We'll all have nicknames. It sounds silly, but the kids love it. See, I'm the swimming counselor, so I'll be called "Flipper? Then there's the camp cook. She's called "Shingle? We plan to go through a lot of chipped beef. I don't get it. You'd get it if you were in the army. So what do you say, Honcho? We really need you. Well, I- Gee, I'd really like to spend the summer with the kids, but... I don't think I can take that much time away from Bob. Yeah. She's kind of "Honcho" around here too. I'm sorry. Yeah, of course, we want Dr. Hartley too. Most of us go in couples. The nights get pretty chilly. Oh, well, I couldn't take off for- for a whole summer. It's just the last two weeks in July. Well, July is my busiest time of the year. Well, honey, couldn't you kinda rearrange your schedule? Well, I'll see what I can do. Oh, wonderful. "Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah." That means, "Welcome aboard my canoe." Oh. Wait. Wait a minute. I'm- I'm not sure I can "Nah-mo-kah" at all. What would you need me for? Well, we need counselors in sports... - and you look like you're probably a darned good athlete. - Oh, he was. He was junior varsity in baseball. - Varsity. Two years. - Oh. Excuse me. You can be Spitball. Well, I'll think about it, but, I really don't know if I can arrange things. Well, I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Bob, Honcho- "Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah." "Gitche Gumee." I don't know, Dr. Hartley. It was probably the most creative thought I've ever had. Great idea for a game show- and all the networks turned me down. - What was it called? - Tug of War; USA. We were gonna take the cameras all over the country... and have celebrities try to pull each other across state lines. - And that didn't sell? - They're all nuts. Mr. Plager, you know, you're a wonderfully creative person, but... have you ever... thought about getting out of show business? All you need is one hit show. But you've always said, television is such a rat race. That's it. That's a great idea. - What's a great idea? - A game show called The Rat Race. We-You, like, build a maze with a starting gate... and get a bunch of rats, paint them different colors... and have celebrities bet on them. It's a natural. Well, I'd watch it. Of course, I don't know how indicative I am of the viewing public. Oh, you're perfectly normal. I mean, everybody loves rats. Could you put a lid on this? I don't want my idea stolen. Well, wild rats couldn't drag it out of me. Yeah. Yes, Carol. Oh, fine. Mr. Pottinger? Sorry. Flipper? I haven't had a chance to check my schedule yet. No. I wouldn't mind being switched to basketball coach. Uh... "Bob the Stilt." Well, fine. I'll get back to you. Carol, could you, check my schedule in July? Emily and I are going to camp. - Camp? - That's right. Okay, Bob. Do you want me to order some name tags for your shorts? I guess not. Just, check my schedule, would you? Oh, sure, Bob. Oh. All of July looks really tough. You know, in addition to all your regular patients... you're supposed to go away for that weekend with your "fear of humidity" group. - Hi, Bob and Carol. - Hi. Jer. Hi, Jerry, Nice golf duds. Oh, yeah. Well, I was just down at Golf Land, you know, hitting a few buckets of balls. - Bob's going to camp. - Oh, really? Then you've overcome your fear of salamanders. Jerry, not as a camper. Emily and I are gonna sort of help run the camp... if I decide to go, which I haven't. Aw, you don't wanna go to camp, Bobby? Miss all that great stuff- poison ivy, bed-wetting, chigger bites. I remember when I went to Girl Scout camp. Oh, wait till you hear this. We swam across Lake Veronica in our undies... to surprise the guys at the Boy Scout camp. Well, the really funny part of this... is that they weren't surprised at all. They were expecting us. Well, when are you going, Bob? - The last two weeks in July. - Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. Wait a minute. July 20th-that's when we're going to Willy Wylerman's golf clinic. - No. That's August 20th. - No. That's July 20th, Bob. Remember, we didn't wanna wait another month, correcting your slice? And you already paid a hundred-dollar deposit. I got too many things I gotta take care of. No. I can't go. I'll have to call, Honcho and Flipper. Why don't you call Donder and Blitzen while you're at it? - So, what happened? - What do you mean? When you swam across the lake? Oh, we swam back. ♪♪ It's really a perfect place for your son, Howard. I mean, it's gonna be a complete camping program-you know, swimming, tennis, boating. Well, I'd love to go, but, my ex-wife wants Howie to go to Camp Heidi again this year. - The one in Switzerland? - Yeah. - Wasn't that awfully expensive? - $5,000. - Course, that includes yodeling. - Uh-huh. - My ex-wife wants Howie to yodel. - Why? Well, because it's good to know another language. But I'd like him to learn something, you know, he can use when he grows up, like archery. - That's my specialty. - Really? - Yeah. - Howard... How would you like to be our archery and Indian lore counselor? Indian lore? I love Indian lore- except that, story about Pocahontas and John Smith. "John Smith." Who does he think he's kidding? We've all used that name before. Howard, how would you like to be Iron Bow and go to camp with Howie? Hi, honey. Hi, Howard. Call me "Iron Bow, " white eyes. Bob, Howard may be our Indian lore counselor. Oh, Emily, I tried to reach you this afternoon, and you weren't home. Oh, I was with Mr. Pottinger. We were working on the brochure. Bob, it is really shaping up. Well, this may change the shape a little bit. - I can't go. - Why? My schedule is loaded in July. Oh, honey, I'm really disappointed. Well, my patients need me. July is a very humid month, and I have that golf clinic. - I thought that was in August. - No, it was changed, and I forgot. Look. I don't, want to inhibit your argument. I- Howard, this isn't an argument. Look, there's a very simple solution. I was thinking about it on the way home. I mean, it's only for a couple of weeks, and, it's something you want to do... and I'd be away one of the weeks anyway, so... why don't you just go by yourself? Wait a minute, Bob. Wait a minute. I don't think that's a good idea. Let me tell you what happened when my ex-wife and I went on separate vacations. We never got back together. Sounds like the same thing. I'll just, leave you with that thought. Is that what we're doing, Bob? No, Emily. This is something you want to do and something I can't... and it'll only be a couple of weeks. Aw, thank you, Bob. It's really important to me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! It's not the same thing. When my wife and I went on separate vacations, she went with another guy. So there's nothing to worry about. Bob, what's that whistling noise? Oh. It's this. It's for strengthening your golf grip. It's recommended by, Willy Wylerman. Well, why a whistling dog? Because the singing ones were too expensive. Wanna hear me play "Heartaches"? Bob, I'd really like you to listen to my Camp Thundercloud sales pitch. - Oh. Pitch. - Yeah. And I'd like you to look at the slides. - Go ahead. Slide. - Okay? just hold this up to the light... and I'll describe it to you. - You're gonna have a projector though. - Yeah, and a clicker. - Ah. - Ah. Thank you all for coming. - It's a pleasure to be here. - Oh. Our first slide is that of the entrance to Camp Thundercloud. It says, "Welcome" No. It says, "Stuckey's Pecan Pralines, 12 Miles." Right. When you get to that sign, you've gone too far. - This is the baseball field. - This is a swamp. Well, it's gonna be the baseball field. Well, a lot of games are gonna be called because of crocodiles. Well, it's gonna take a lot of work, and we know it... but it's worth it, and we're willing to do it. Emily, no kidding, If I could do it, I'd be right there... slogging through that swamp right beside you. Ah, I know you would. Let's see now- Riding range, campfire circle- Who's this in the canoe? Oh. That's Mr. Pottinger in his loincloth and his Indian headdress. Pretty authentic... except for the black socks. Well, sounds like fun. Oh, honey, I really wish you were going with us. Well, maybe next year. This year is just impossible. I just- I have too many important things to take care of. Yeah. That's really important. Sure you don't want to hear "Heartaches"? Goodnight, Bob. How about "Nola"? Hi, Dr. Hartley. - Are you... busy? - Hi. Hi, Mr. Plager. - How's the, how's The Rat Race? - Ah. Boy, it's awful out there. I mean, everybody's clawing and scratching and fighting. it's murder. No, I meant The Rat Race- the game show idea. Oh, that. Forget it. The network won't let me paint the rats. I mean, they wanna put numbers on them. I said, "No way." Numbers-can you believe it? I'd- I'd rather see colors. I should have known. They're the same idiots that canceled Supermarket Sweepstakes. Now that was a crime. Anyway, I've decided I'm gonna get out of both rat races. Oh, really? Yeah. You've shown me it's useless to beat your head against a wall. I'm gonna spend the whole summer in Yosemite just looking at trees... and relaxing and letting it all unravel. Well, I really admire your courage. I mean, it isn't easy to give it all up... and, live among the trees. Wait a minute. I've got it. Name that Tree. I mean, there are 35,000 varieties of trees. We could fly contestants into Yosemite and blindfold them. They could rub their hands on the bark to identify the tree. They get three chances- Oh, sorry, Bob. - What's this-face therapy? - It's a game show idea, Jerry. It's not gonna be easy to find a sponsor. Forget it. I mean, it's a stupid idea. But don't steal it. Well, Bob, I got bad news. Here's your check and entry form. - The Willy Wylerman golf clinic is off. - Why? Willy. He was called by the biggest pro of them all. That's a shame. You know, maybe if I... could rearrange some of my appointments... I could still go to camp with Emily. - Carol, would you come in here a minute? - You might as well do that. If you stick around here by yourself this summer, you'll just get into trouble. - What do you mean by that? - Oh, you know, Chicago in the summertime- you'll be hanging around your apartment pool, you know, seeing what's shaking. Jerry, I'm not interested in what's shaking. I mean, I'm not looking for trouble. Hey, you don't have to look for it, Bob. I mean, you're a cute guy. It'll find you. Yes, Bob. Oh, Carol, I don't care how much trouble it is. Cancel all of my appointments for the second half of July. - I'm gonna go to camp with Emily. I'm going home right now. - They're having a camp meeting in my apartment. And, if I hurry, I can still be "Bob the Stilt." Well, what about Bob's "fear of humidity" workshop? I don't know. I guess they'll just have to sweat it out. Here we are- coffee for anyone who wants it. Great. Why don't we all take a seat. - Ah. Oh, wait a minute. Where's Iron Bow? - Coming' I'm sorry. I was, in the little brave's room. Well, listen. Before we begin... I would like to thank Honcho for the use of her tepee. Oh. You're very welcome. Now the purpose of this meeting is to iron out a few of the snags we've run into... on the rocky road to making this camp a success. You're telling me it's rocky. Left field is nothing but boulders. We'll get to that in a minute, Spitball. But first, let's start with my wife, our camp nurse, Band-Aid. Thank you. Although I have been a housewife for the past few years... when I met Flipper, I was a registered nurse. - Yeah. Nurses are great. - So, as you can see, sickness is my game- from the tiniest sore throat to all-out plague. Now we only have one problem-supplies. Does anyone have a first-aid kit we could use? Just see Honcho. - She'll give you the money. - Flipper, I'm afraid that isn't- Hold that thought, Honcho. We'll get back to you in a minute. But first, let's hear from our Indian lore expert, Iron Bow. Now the way I see it, my job is to take these kids and make them so tough... that being lost in the wilderness will be like a cakewalk. Now I'm gonna take a bunch of weak, untrained, sniveling city brats... and turn them into a bunch of Indian braves and bravettes! Now, in order to reach this level of physical and mental toughness... I'm gonna drive them and drive them and drive them till they break! Um- Of course, in a nice way, you know. - Who's the clown? - This is our neighbor, Howard Borden. - I don't think I like his methods. - Worked in boot camp. Oh, one more thing. I don't wanna be called "Shingle? Oh, my job is to supervise meals. - Oh, why don't we call you "Mealy"? - Why don't you call me Rita? - "Rita." That's dumb. - That's my name! - "Rita" says cooking to me. - I'd like to say one thing, if I- Spitball raised his hand first. Well, I'd just like to say that I could use a little help... in turning that quagmire into a ball field. Right now the pitcher's mound is quicksand... and the game has swallowed up enough young ball players as it is. Well, why don't you move the pitcher's mound to second base? Second base is a drainage ditch. The whole field stinks. It's like an obstacle course. - Sounds like a good place for war games. - Uh... Flipper, if I could... I'd like to turn to a more immediate problem, such as the matter of finances. Certainly, Honcho. Now that it's your turn, what about finances? Well, we don't have any- Unless we can sign up another two dozen campers or charge the 50 we do have another $100 each. - Well, we can't do that. - We'll just have to cut a few corners. Well, we could cut out meals. We don't need food. My braves can survive on berries and wild hickory nuts. Howard, we may all have to survive on berries. We have a little problem with the dining hall. Flipper, did you know that Reverend Biff and his Better Times A-Comin' Revival... had rented the dining hall for the month of July? That's just on the weekends. I thought we could grab a bite between hallelujahs. What about the movies we were supposed to show on Saturday night? - My uncle took back the projector. - This is just ludicrous. Now wait a minute. All of these problems can be worked out. Well, the baseball field isn't gonna turn itself into a park. I went up last weekend to backfill the soggy spots in the infield. The bulldozer was gone. Now that I can't understand. The last time I saw it, it was on the pitcher's mou- - Oh, no. - That's it. That's it. Strike three. No field. No coach. We'll get them next year, Flip. Don't worry. Don't worry. My braves will dig out that dozer. - I'm not going to camp with a lunatic. - Me either! Look. We've still got a couple of weeks to work these problems out. Well, you give me a call when you do. Well, look. Look, we've just cut our corners. We won't get baseball equipment. We'll buy food with the money we've saved. - Mr. Pottinger- - Flipper. Mr. Pottinger, look. You- You can't run a camp by coming up with some half-baked names for counselors... and a budget that doesn't meet your financial needs. I mean, all we've got so far is a bus and a brochure. Oh. About the bus-Remember I told you my uncle took back his projector? - Yeah. - Well, he took it back in his bus. Oh. Well, that's it then. I mean, we just can't do it. - Well, I guess you're right. - Well... I'll see to returning the deposits to the campers... and, well, I guess we can start planning for next year. Now I know why they call you "Honcho? Well, I guess the old tribe is breaking up. Yeah. I guess so. You know, this is all your uncle's fault. I'm glad we lost his bulldozer. Rita was right. Guy's a lunatic. - Hi, Bob. - Hi, honey. - Why is everybody so, so glum? - Oh, we had a bad meeting. Well. I have some- have some good news. I can go. - Oh, Hi, Carol. - Bob, what are you doing here? I just thought I'd come down and see what's shaking. Well, not much. - How's the vacation going? - Oh, fine. Fine. Emily's doing her thing, and I'm doing my thing. Oh, what's her thing? Well, she's running a new arts and crafts program. They're having a meeting at the apartment. - Mm-hmm. So "your thing" is to stay out of her way, right? Right. - Bob, are you bored? - Are you kidding? These are gonna be the two greatest weeks of my life. This is a perfect opportunity to take care of a lot of stuff I've been meaning to get to. - Yeah. - No calls. No interruptions. No one has to know I'm here. ♪ [ acoustic guitar ] B-bar or lazy-t ? B-bar. Now, why do you Say that ? Because the fire road runs Up above their corrals, And you can't see it From the house. Let's toss a coin. Let's just decide. Did you ever walk a quarter Between your fingers ? Never mind that. That's the first thing they teach you in jail. How to walk a quarter Between your fingers. Simpleminded Card tricks are next. ♪ a rustler's daydream ♪ ♪ thoughts of jail ♪ ♪ dust clouds rising ♪ ♪ tearing' down the trail ♪ ♪ got our plans laid ♪ ♪ to make a few bucks ♪ ♪ buy a spread called ♪ ♪ rancho deluxe ♪ ♪ no, we're not outlaws ♪ ♪ or common thieves ♪ ♪ just a few aces ♪ ♪ with cards up our sleeves ♪ ♪ so we've got to gamble ♪ ♪ got to take a chance ♪ ♪ wanna see the whole show ♪ ♪ and not just one dance ♪ ♪ yeah, we've got to try And find a way ♪ ♪ we're gonna laugh We're gonna drink we're gonna play ♪ ♪ just bouncing' 'round The mountains day to day ♪ ♪ oh, crazy mountains ♪ ♪ they named you well ♪ ♪ white men and red men ♪ ♪ stories we heard tell ♪ I'll do it. [ mumbles ] You can practice Walking the coin. [ mooing ] See you got to where You're real proud of it. where's the saw ? In the bed. Brought the little Mccullough. That thing is so Damn hard to start. you are nervous. Shall I show you A few card tricks ? Just show me That thing start. Did you gas This mother up ? Smell it, Cecil. You flooded it. [ exhaling ] Then we've Got to wait it out. Oh, just be a couple Of sleepy rustlers... Waitin' for somebody To come up here and mend fence. There's no way outta here Except for that fire road, So we're not gonna Put 'em to any trouble makin' the arrests. How many cows B-bar runnin' here ? Couple of thousand On the summer range. Minus this one. That's right, you're gonna Wanna figure that one in there too. See, if you and i Were grownups, the b-bar would be runnin'... A full 2,000 head On the summer range. Now they're down to 1,999 And there's hardly any sense in goin' on. I'm gonna Give it another try. [ motor starts ] [ chuckling ] Jack ? Hmm ? Do you believe In the tooth fairy ? The one that Takes your tooth from under the pillow ? Yeah. Oh, I do if you do, Cecil. Well, I do too then. What I'd plan would be To watch the Tuesday night livestock reports from Butte... And see what we can get For four hooves, a head and 125 pound of cow guts. We know it's not A coyote this time. Well, let's report it Before it gets blamed on us. My plan would be To mail that to somebody. Well, all right. if that Means something to you. Miss castle, I hate To be so late in gettin' to you on the rent. The Indian and i, We've-- we've been out of town, And now there seems To be, I don't know, some problem... In transferring funds From our savings account... To our special Checking account without, uh, Losing our Christmas bonus. Come on. Get to the point. Well, I was hoping That you'd let us... Pay our rent With 100 pounds of u.s. prime beef. Now, this is about Double the value we owe you. Or more. Is this reservation cattle ? Oh, no, ma'am. Grain fed. We swapped A jeep for it. Uh, see, we don't want To lose our Christmas bonus down at the bank. Last month it was a sheep. And next month It will be hard cash. And it was still warm. Yes, ma'am. [ sniffs ] Cost us a rototiller. - we got beat out of a lot Of value on that one. - okay. We was gonna check The livestock reports, And see what hooves Was goin' for. Oh, shut up, Curt ! How in the hell Did they get in here ? Fire service road. I'm gonna close that road. [ man ] you can't. it's a fire road. I'll go to Helena, See the governor and close that road. I've closed Service roads all over Montana. I'm not gonna... Have a west that's not free. And I'll not have my stock Breakin' their legs in gopher burrows. And I'll not have A west that's not free... And at this point In the 20th century, I'm not gonna be Plagued by rustlers. When's that chopper mechanic Get here from billings ? [ man ] wednesday. Well, you tell him We hunt predators, airlift big game... And track rustlers With this son of a bitch. And we can't afford Carburetor trouble in blind canyons again. [ man ] Yes sir, john. I'll tell him. She sure sounds good To me now, though. [ John ] One more bit of engine trouble, And I stand up at the Cattlemen's association... And announce what a piece Of shit this thing is. Let's get The hell outta here. ♪ [ country ] How are you, Betty ? Bored. What are you tying this week ? Fan wing Royal coachman. and you're bored ? That sounds like An interesting fly. Fuck you, Jack. Do you want To go out with me ? I haven't any idea. I thought maybe You and me could go over... To the wrangler And shoot a little pool. [ scoffs ] Buy you a cheeseburger. Dynamite. You want to come out And play tonight ? Well, I'm supposed To go help my sister... Catch her horses Up in the crazies. Hey, if your sister Will go out with Cecil, we'll help you. Well, all right. But you've gotta bring your own horses. We're not ridin' You clowns double. Come on, Cecil. Hold on, now. Dee and me is still Working this out. says you. Come on, Cecil, let's leave The bow-wow to her work. Ha, ha, ha. you, man ! A date with Betty's sister, Mary. All right ! She's the tastiest lady Around here, if you ask me. She's got lips Of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds. Yeah, that's the one. Shall I bring A lot of rubbers ? Indians. Jesus. Sorry. Just trying to embrace The new culture. We gotta help catch Her dad's horses. Where at ? Up in the crazies. All right. Honey ! I'm back. How are things In the wild blue yonder ? You look fantastic. All right, john. Cecil ? Mm-hmm ? Have you ever watched Chickens fucking ? I wouldn't Say "watched." Have you ever listened ? Oh, you must be These ladies' dad. How do, Mr.-- Dog. bob dog. I'm Cecil Colson. North American Indian. Sir, we're here To help these ladies catch their horses. Now, my bet is, They've gone half wild up there in them aspens... With wire marks Over every inch of their hides. How right you are. Makes you really wonder... If you should've given in So easy when they whined and whined... For another appaloosa, High-priced barrel racer. Yes sir, they've probably Reverted to bucking stock by this time. Oh shut up, Jack, And take off that ugly mask. [ whinnying ] Give me a hand here, Jack. I've got to git. Just run All of your ponies into the old corral. I'll send a stock truck Up for them in the morning. Okay, dad. Bye-bye, daddy. [ engine starts ] - how many horses Are we looking for ? - five. [ Cecil ] Where shall we start looking ? Let's throw The I ching and see. No, we ain't throwin' No I ching to find no horses. damn. Eat it, Betty. High school kids can't Pick their nose... Without gettin' stoned Or throwing' the I ching. You can't sleep at night Without humping' cowboys in the driveway. - watch your lip, Mary. - or demolition derby drivers, Bank tellers, brand inspectors, Just to name a few. [ Cecil ] Ladies, damn. I'm gettin' disillusioned. now, let's just ride up there and catch these ponies. To me, this is America today. God wants America On horseback, Findin' lost appaloosa Barrel racers. Do I make Myself clear ? Mary, you and Cecil... Go to the top Of the south pasture, And we'll go down The forest service line. We'll herd 'em back From there. If we catch one We'll have a simple time with the others, okay ? Right. Okay. Make it to the tree, She'll die, first fly. now Mary, you don't know any such thing. Yes, I do. She's a dumb twat and I can't stand her. She flushed two lids Down the toilet on me. Smashed my black light When she was drunk. Tore up half my posters. Scratched My humble pie albums-- How much difference in age Is there between you ? two years. But she's just about Exactly half as hip as my grandma is... Down at senior citizens' Crankin' out doilies. [ Jack, passionate ] oh Jesus, Betty-- oh ! [ Betty moaning ] oh, me-- Jesus-- oh, oh, yes-- oh, god. oh, oh ! oh-- oh, just like that, yes ! [ Jack moaning ] oh, whoo-hoo ! oh, yeah ! Ooh. Oh. oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. ohh ! [ passionate moaning ] Ooh, oh, yeah ! Ha-ha, ooh ! That is dyno supreme. Hmm. I am loaded. [ chuckling ] [ sighing ] Stoney weed, I tell you ! Aah, ha, ha, ha ! The most... Possible primo. ♪ can't you see Your mother, baby ♪ ♪ standin' In the shadows ♪ Wha-- [ chuckling ] Ooh, ooh ! Wait, yeah. ooh. Ooh yeah ! ooh ! [ moaning continues ] Baby ! Oh, oh, baby ! Ooh, ooh. Ohhh ! Come on. [ grunts ] [ orgasmic moaning ] Oh ! oh, baby ! Oh, baby ! oh ! Oh, baby ! ah ! Oh, Jack. You-- Oh-- Oh, you miserable Son of a bitch ! Is nothing Sacred to you ? whoo ! Hey ! [ laughing ] Why have I asked you To save these ? I have asked you To save these... Because they will Help show us... That these rustling cases Are all the work of the same man. But a lot of people Have .270s, ms. Brown. Curt, You're a slow boat to china. Now, Burt, will you tell Curt what I told you ? Curt. Yes, Burt ? The firing pin Of a rifle is just like a fingerprint. And we're gonna send Those cases down to the ballistics lab. All right. ♪ [ piano jazz ] Anybody feel like dancin' ? How 'bout you, slow boat ? Music's a little Hard to dance to. [ exhales ] Come on, goddamn it. I want some Gothic Ranch action around here. I want some desire under the elms. I wanna see some Smoldering glances down at the old corral. I-i-i don't know, Ms. Brown. Gee, Mrs. Brown-- [ clears throat ] Well, piss off, then. Jesus Christ. Tweedle-ee-dee And tweedle-ee-dumb. What do I want with beef ? I have nothing To trade you, anyway. How 'bout Your dirt bike ? my Elsinore ? Are you nuts ? That's worth more than your steer. What kind of condition Was this animal in ? Real choice. You got a nice rifle ? I got a sharps Buffalo rifle. A real plains rifle Made by w. c. floond. What caliber ? .50 sharps. I'd trade My right rear quarter. How many ribs On a quarter ? this sharps is something. I'm so glad you asked. It's a three-rib quarter, And it'll run to half the weight of that side. Throw in The kidneys and liver and you've got a deal. I mean, if you're Lookin' to deal. [ machines whir, clang ] I'll take the sharps. Jack and me Are about the last of the plainsmen. Today's enterprise announced that old John Brown... Bought the lazy-t. Hmm. Probably doesn't matter Which fork we took, It was still gonna be One of his cows. [ chuckles ] I'm glad We got it in storage. I didn't like the feeling When that chain saw flooded. Yeah, I don't know If John Brown's so bad, either. He keeps some of these Shit-assed tourists from putting'... An aluminum house trailer On a quarter acre of pasture. You ever see Cheyenne autumn ? oh, yes. Well, in another 20 years They're gonna make aluminum autumn. You bored, John ? Yeah. What do you wanna do ? [ sighing ] I don't know. Wanna go look For signs of the rustlers ? They probably Haven't even been around. darlin', that's not my fault. And it's not my fault That there are no more ranches to buy around here. Why don't you Run into Livingston and get yourself a hat ? - I don't feel like it. - I've got it, john. I've got it. Why don't you call A press conference on this rustling ? You know, that's not A bad idea, Cora. That's really not. I could Declare war on rustling. [ Jack ] can you beat that ? John Brown has declared war on rustlers in park county. That's us. Before you whites came here, We had a... Simple existence In these shining mountains... under this big sky. - horseshit. - we had that too. Cec, your relatives were Primarily honky tie hackers from Iowa... And bucktoothed Squaw hoppers from the east. It sure was something With them ladies last night. Ah-- what's the matter ? We've got to Jack up This here ante on John Brown. Let's burn his barn. No, really. I mean it. Let's burn and pillage. [ chuckling ] You fucking Indian. You interested in this Livestock exposition ? You mean, now that we're In the cattle business ? Uh, let's skip these Runners-up and also-rans. Let's go For the biggest and the best. What's that ? Let's see what won the top seed bull. [ sniffing ] I want to see the winning chicken. We're gonna Skip the chicken. I'm into blue-ribbon cabbages. I want to see one. Let's keep our eye On the ball, Cecil. [ mooing ] This fine bull, Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon, Has compiled more than Twice the number of points... Needed here tonight... To win this blue ribbon. He has tremendous Thickness and length, And at show time, Checked in a 2,600 pounds. His mother, At 14 years of age, Is still running In the high country with her grandchildren. This bull has it all: [ mooing ] Size, bone, trimness, color-- It just brings Tears to my eyes. John Brown, I wonder if you could Say a word or two... To Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon's admirers. [ mooing ] Thank you, bob. Honey, come on up here. My wife and i Thank you all. I, um-- I would like to say to my fellow breeders, That in 20 years Of breeding, from this stock, You can count The steers on one hand. Our bull calves have, On the whole, Grown up to be bulls. [ cheering, whistling ] All right ! Yowza ! Okay. Ain't he something. Seriously, uh, We have the top matrons And the top sires. We raise Very correct cattle... At the b-bar lazy-t. And if we ever Get around to the same with our citizens, Maybe these Chain saw rustlers... Will give us a chance To show you... Some of Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon's grandsons ! [ man ] congratulations. Thank you, thank you. [ mooing ] Burt, you load that bull. Yes sir, john. Excuse me, sir. Uh, this might seem A little obvious to you, but do you, uh, Maintain this quality level With all your seed bulls ? Damn sure do. all pure pedigrees ? - you bet. - performance tested before you sell them ? - yes. - semen tested ? - yes. certificates of soundness from a reputable vet ? Absolutely. What's that Baby there worth ? About 50,000 big ones. [ mooing ] ♪ [ country on radio, faint ] Do you like your work ? I feel it's A growing industry, and I'm growing with it. [ chuckles ] Old Baseheart couldn't care less who's driving. [ sighs ] I sure would like To go from one piece of ass to another... In a custom truck and get Nothing but money and blue ribbons for the job. That'd be Checkin' out in style. Why should we Have to hide from a helicopter ? [ Jack ] private land, betty. it's landing. bird that owns it would run us in so quick-- [ Betty ] I'll be darned. Jack, let's just Go down there and see what they were up to. Ladies, why don't you go Look for a swimming hole with some warm rocks. Cecil and I are just Curious as all get out to see... What these ranch fascists Do with their machinery. [ click ] Shall we count it ? I don't think That would be too interesting. No, neither do i. Do you like Being prosperous ? hey, it's not interesting. Maybe we could have a party. Maybe a party'd be interesting. Old Baseheart is gonna Have to fuck his ass off to make up for this one. I was tempted to try To trap our boy, But I didn't want To take a chance on losing Baseheart. I mean, That goddamn animal is my signature on American west. Honey, I'm with you. Now, let's just hope. We're staring at a bad loss More than a financial way. Now, so the note said what ? We go to room 203, we'll get another clue ? No, no, we get an exact And complete description of Baseheart's whereabouts. He was right To the point about that. Can we have the key To room 203 ? Somebody's left Something there for us. I'd like to go along with you. I've had complaints about that room all night. What kind of complaints ? The sound of kind of honeymooners in that room. - what name is that room Registered under ? - John and Cora Brown. They don't answer the phone. They're just having the noisiest damn honeymoon, Lurching into The furniture and carrying on. I went up to the door And knocked. It sounded like They were on the bed by that time, And it was hellacious. Are you kin ? Kinda. [ mooing ] [ man on tv ] Hey ! [ mooing continues ] [ mooing continues ] [ hotel clerk ] do you suppose that mother'd ever charge ? What have you got In mind for this week ? I wanna spend some time With my old man. Hey, Now that's remarkable. Why do you say that ? Well, I was thinkin' About visiting my folks. Is that right ? Yeah, I've been Thinkin' about it. Plus I might as well. I don't see how We're gonna top this week's performance. Let's take a vacation. Come on, old man. Oh. We're gonna float the river. Ah, cec, I don't, uh, Feel up to it. Shit you don't. Got the picnic and I caught About a hundred big hoppers. Got a hundred big hoppers ? You got a raft to use ? Just bought a dandy New McKenzie boat. Hey-- Woo ! What are these, Cec ? They're all bacon, Lettuce and tomato. Could be eatin' Them hoppers. Old boys on the reservation Used to eat grasshoppers. Full of nourishment. Supposed to taste good too. Let's find out. Mmm ? [ crunch ] Damn, Cecil. [ chuckling ] Not bad. Well, now, daddy, It's what our forebears done. Yeah, some of them, cec. I mean, we're supposed To have some royalty in there too. The prince of Angolia Or something. You ain't doin' No crime or nothin' ? no offense intended. I don't know what you mean. I mean, there ain't No visible means of support. And this boat, you know, And that jazzy pickup truck. I've had about 150 jobs In the last month. All right. it's all right. Let me tell you Another thing. I see more of this state's Poor cowboys, miners, Railroaders and Indians Go broke buying' pickup trucks. The poor people Of this state are dope fiends for pickup trucks. As soon as they get Ten cents ahead, They trade in On a new pickup truck. The families, homesteads, Schools, hospitals and happiness of montana... Have been sold down the river To buy pickup trucks. It is a sickness here Worse than alcohol and dope. It is the pickup truck debt. And there is no Cure in sight. Well... I do see What you mean. Really. But I own this truck In partners with Jack, And we do a good deal Of hauling with it. [ doorbell rings ] Jack, get the front door, would you ? Hello, Anna. We're going to Leave you two alone. Jack ? I know I can see That you really question my judgment-- That's right, mother. I question your judgment on this. - now look, pal-- - get out. I'm about to question Your goddamn judgment. Did you hear me ? I don't know Why they did this. They left it up to me. So I came. I wanted to see you. I wanted to look at you. It makes it harder, Anna. God. I'd just gotten So I could come here at all. I'd just risen to that. Hey. How do you like Being single ? I guess it's The only way I can live. Jack, Couldn't I come And see you ? Anna, why ? So we can work On each other again ? Mmm ? So we can lock ourselves in the house and... Crawl around and weep And take tranquilizers, Talk about suicide And pointlessness again ? Is that what you wanna do ? Anna, don't you understand yet ? We make each other insane. Don't you Understand that yet ? God, that last week We had together. You were too crazy To even wash your face. I had to brush the knots Out of your hair. We mutilate each other ! Don't you understand that ? I still love you. I don't care. I love you and I don't Want any more of it ! I don't want Any more of it ! ♪ [ honky tonk piano ] ♪ you got your tony lamas on Your jeans pressed tight ♪ ♪ you take a few tokes Make you feel all right ♪ ♪ rockin' and a-rollin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪ ♪ got the pickup washed And you just got paid ♪ ♪ with any luck at all You might even get laid ♪ ♪ 'cause they're pickin' And a kickin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪ Are you sure That's them ? Sure as shootin'. Is that pretty sure ? That's real sure. You're not that bad. You just play for shape Instead of blasting away. - are you Indian ? - part. Indians never get too good at pool. I thought maybe You were Jewish. Or a greaser. So, as you were saying-- Well, uh, It's just that old... John Brown has seized on This rustling because he's... Kinda sad And bored and all. And all this Sleuthin' excites him. ♪ it ain't the same old west No, that's for sure ♪ ♪ but I think it beats anything That's here before ♪ ♪ a-rockin' and a-rollin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪ ♪ so won't you listen To the sound of the hot country band ♪ ♪ boot heels a' shufflin' on the dance floor sand ♪ ♪ play some pong, sing a song, Shoot a little shit ♪ ♪ and if the fightin' starts Just don't get hit ♪ ♪ and if the cowboys still can't Find a thing in town to do ♪ ♪ well there's a whorehouse On the edge of town where anybody able to screw ♪ [ game beeps ] What about that, uh, stock detective ? [ beep ] well-- Where'd that come from ? John has gone and hired This Henry Beige. He's out of Twodot, Montana. Got a great reputation. He'll be here tomorrow. He's pretty old. [ beep ] Uh. bringing' his niece To take care of him. [ beep ] Doesn't that kinda take away from old John Brown's fun ? I was thinkin' The same thing. And I hope not. He's been sleeping nights Lately instead of, uh, Ramblin' around The ranch yard... With insomnia. When we recovered Baseheart of Bozeman canyon, He was happier than If we'd never lost him. Ransom on that Son of a bitch... Made every stockmen's Paper in the country. And every regular Paper in the west. [ bell rings ] [ grunts ] Here you go. another quarter. [ change clanging ] [ beep ] You figure it to be The same, uh, same rustlers ? You know, the ones We've been reading about ? Oh, I know Who it is. Oh, you do, huh ? Mm-hmm. Look, if you bring Your man back in the middle each time, You're gonna play A lot better. oh. 'cause I've beat you Two straight already and we're gonna play... Best three out of five For championship of the universe. Well, who is it ? Oop. [ beep ] Who's what ? That's rustling Off your stock ? Oh, come on, Jack. Tell me. It's you. No, seriously. No, I am serious. You're the rustler. Now, why do you-- Why do you say that ? [ beep ] Well-- Me and Burt told The old man... That we were gonna Come to town and, uh, Wanted one more chance To catch the rustlers. You know, the culprits. And, uh, we told him We wanted to come into town and run down some leads. And, it's-- It was the only way we was Gonna get the night off. And since you and Cecil Are the only two we've talked to, then, uh, You gotta be The hot leads. [ beep ] But I do have to believe In my heart that you are the rustlers, Or my conscience Gonna hurt me and, uh, Uh, all I wanna do Is drink and play these here bar games. I believe in fun. I believe in having it all now. I believe in hygiene. I believe In a good old time. I believe it gettin' It all while you can. Is there anything you Don't believe in, may ? mm-hmm. I don't believe In letting' your meat loaf. Uh, may, I'd like To introduce two celebrity friends up here. Jack, I know who they are. Burt and curt Of the b-bar lazy-t. Yeah, well, anyway-- Now, why don't you Let me tell you. We're still offering The standard acts and jobs at the standard rates. Although the livestock Has picked up in quality. We have not Raised our price... On half and half, Round the world, or your straight shot. We have, however, cancelled The old Hershey highway. oh. But, we are willing To negotiate... On circuses, Sultan slavery, Harems, or any kind Of free form fandango... Somebody might want To invent for hisself. Well, we promised Burt and Curt a treat. So you let them pick And we'll cover it. come on and pick. [ chuckles ] We want 'em all. Yep. It's yours. Our word's good. Well now, that's gonna Spoil about $300. No. we bought it, may. Cec and I are men of our word. Why don't you Get in there and, uh, raise it up to $350 ? Who's gonna Answer the phone ? [ man snoring ] [ Burt ] Do you want to wake these rustlers up ? they sure was generous. They're good boys. Hmm. no question. Let's wake 'em. we'll buy 'em Some breakfast at Chico. [ utensils clattering ] How do you feel about The wages up there ? It's more the way of life Than it is the salary. Come on. Answer seriously. Wages are lousy. Three-fifty a month, Room and board. Mrs. Brown, Asks the cook To make the food too spicy. Why do you ask ? Are you rustlers looking For some inside help ? It'd be fun To talk about, anyway. I'm sure it would. Just to help us stay awake. Well, why don't we All go for a swim ? [ Jack ] my concern is whether We can turn that semi 'round in the upper pasture. [ Curt ] You don't have to worry about that. If it don't look good, Burt and me'll take a tractor up there and make a turnaround. [ Burt ] now you know, Don't you, that we're gonna have to take the load... A good ways east to get Away from grain inspection. [ Curt ] Yeah, I know. And the split Is a simple four-way. [ Jack ] Absolutely. I think you've Got a deal then. What about The stock detective ? No problem. I recommended Him to Brown. [ chuckles ] Is he honest ? As the day is long. [ chuckling ] Poor bastard is so old He creaks like the inner sanctum. He still don't believe He's got the job. Can hardly get From room to room. hey, let's get dressed. I got something Out in the truck I want to show you guys. You boys, You left this down at the locker plant. If you're gonna have a sportcoat Made out of it, why don't you have the brain removed first ? [ chuckles ] Where's the geezer ? He's coming. his niece Is helping him come down from the bunkhouse. Jesus, Cora. He doesn't even Look mobile. Laura, what do you Do with yourself... When you're not lending your Uncle Henry a helping hand ? I help my mom. What about when You're not helping her ? Then I go To the senior citizens' and help all the old folks. Mmm. Livingston ? no, ma'am, in choteau. What else do you do ? I sew. Oh. What do you sew ? I just like to make Nice things for nice folks. You are a remarkable Girl, Laura. All I want is For folks to be happy. ♪ it's a big, wide Wonderful world ♪ Can it, Laura. We're trying to eat. Holy Christ almighty. [ clears throat ] Have, uh, you always been A stock detective, Mr. Beige ? No. What did you do before that ? I was a horse thief. that's why I made such a damn good stock detective. You know, one time I had 400 head of stolen horses... In my corrals Up on 16-mile river. I'd put 'em on an electric train There at Ringling... And I'd transfer 'em over To the northern pacific at maudlow... And ship 'em Into a four-state area... Inside of 48 hours. Why, you know, I could ship A stolen horse... Faster than you can move An airmail letter. why, I was the very best. why'd you quit ? I got caught. Sent me up To the penitentiary at deer lodge. why, I spent three years breaking horses for the prison ranch up yonder... While everybody was having such A fine time in world war II. When I realized that My thievery had cost me the circus of the century, Why, I decided To go straight, work on the other side of the law. Well, Mr. Beige, I think it's about time We acclimate you to the b-bar lazy-t. This country around here Is a little steeper than what you're used to. See that peak up there ? That's squaw mountain. It go about 11,000. Careful. attaboy. We raise very correct cattle At the b-bar lazy-t. [ exhales ] The last time I saw Him on his feet was four days ago. That little simp, Laura, brings his food to him three times a day. Mr. Beige told me That very often his mere presence... Puts an end to rustling. Evidently his reputation Precedes him. I don't know why, Cora. I sort of feel We've been had. To me, the worst of it Is the way Curt and Burt follow that Laura around. [ scoffs ] You know, we're not getting Half the use out of them we once did. Yeah. I'm afraid Our two chimps are in love. They coming knuckling Out of the bunkhouse every morning, Trying to beat each other To Laura's side... To help bring Mr. Beige's Breakfast to him. Darling ? Hmm ? Are you ever sorry we got out Of the beauty parlor business ? gee, I miss Schenectady Sometimes. Jack, I just got to find out Where this bastard keeps his money. [ shot fires, echoes ] [ tires screech ] Cecil, no ! Jesus ! Cec- - Jesus Christ ! Oh, my god. Hi, boys. Hello. Hi. Burt and me thought You ought to know what bad planning feels like. Thank you. What does it feel like ? You made your point. [ Curt ] boys, I got a question. When we're fixing to skate off With a semi truckload of living veal, What in the hell Are you doing up here penny-anteing for one steer ? [ Jack ] Sport. sport. Uh-huh, Cecil and i Are sportsmen. Let me tell you, Wise guy. We have to go up and get Mr. Henry Beige now... And bring him To the kill. 'cause I don't know What you were shooting with, But you for sure Could hear it up at the ranch. I don't know what they shot This steer with, But it blowed a hole in him You can throw a cat through. It's got my curiosity up. She's either been hit By a bazooka or an express train. Wait a minute. yeah. Yeah, here she comes. Well, I'll be doggoned. If I wasn't so dad-blamed old, I wouldn't know what that was. What is it, Mr. Beige ? It's a .50 caliber bullet. - what kinda gun ? - a sharps buffalo rifle. You know, things is gettin' Downright romantic. [ chuckles ] I don't know What these boys got in mind. But it's a good sign They wanted us to get dressed up. They're nice boys, all right, But I sure don't need to get grossed out again. ♪ [ country: waltz ] This is a weird Mixture of... Yin and yang. So many animal karmas Have bit the dust here. Just eat, Mary. Bite my ass, Betty. Girls-- Take your hand out of my crotch, Jack ! Betty, the orchestra Heard you. Betty's so smooth. ♪ [ continues ] ♪ [ ends ] Play a polka ! ♪ [ resumes ] [ screaming ] Whoo-hoo ! [ screaming continues ] Let's go ! Whaa-ha ! Whoo-hoo ! [ screaming ] Whoo ! [ laughing ] [ horse whinnying ] [ dog barking ] You may go, officer. I have recovered my Lincoln continental mark iv. Come in, mother, And have a look. Come in, Mrs. Kramer. Come in, aunt Bea and Uncle Ramsey, And see the floozies And the whore mongers. Grandma and grandpa Hooper. Don't hold back. Come on in and see What the world has come to. Filth and evil... Is one subject I'm slow to tolerate. That's two subjects. Son, you are in A dangerous country. I'd advise you-- I knew if I kept this By my bed long enough, Some motherfucking worm Would turn up in here. That's what I call Self-fulfilling prophesy. now get down on your knees. Fast ! Oh, am I in a bad mood. Okay, now fold your hands In front of you... And beg your daughters For forgiveness. Fast, or I'm gonna blow you To kingdom come. Forgive me, girls. If you had any right To come in here and do this, You wouldn't be Such a coward and fall down on your knees at my command. [ woman ] That boy is 100% right, And I don't care Who hears me say it. You had no right, Wilbur. I knew you knew better, Grandma. It's these world war i War babies we're having so much trouble with. now, if any of you folks follow us in the next hour or two, You may just find me In the front yard... With this, uh, Nasty-looking heater In my hand. And as for you, dork, You better not press charges. If you do, they better Tell them to catch me quick, 'cause I'm gonna come Looking for your ass. Let's get the hell Out of here. Jack ! Follow me. I'm gonna take a ride in this Lincoln continental mark iv. We're beaucoup committed now. Let's ride in style. No wonder them old boys Had such reputations. This is an amazing piece. [ shots echoing ] [ air hissing ] - go for the hood ornament. - you got it. What are you up to ? Mrs. Brown asked me to hoover These Navajos. You have to be careful You don't unravel them with that machine. I'd never use no hoover On Indian rugs. Well, Mrs. Brown said I was To do it this way, and, uh, These are Mrs. Brown's Navajos. Well, she's a jerk-off. H-huh ? what ? That's just an Expression I heard. [ chuckles ] Mrs. Brown probably Knows best when it comes to her own navajos. Yeah, I think That's true, Laura. uh-- When she told me to hoover, I just hoovered. I didn't ask no Further questions. I think you're right To follow instructions. Um, Laura ? I got a crush on you. Burt. No, curt. Oh, I meant that. I meant curt. You're so sweet And so innocent. But yet, you always seem To have something going on in your mind. Would, uh, Would you consider Taking a walk with me ? I'm gonna try And finish up here. Honey, I'm back ! And I have picked up A piece of information... You'd practically Pay to hear. John Cameron Swazye-- Hopscotching the world for news. Burt, get Mr. Beige. Yes, sir. Wait'll you get a load of this. Tell me now. This is just gonna Make you twitch. I hate to have anybody Barge in on me when I'm a-dreamin'. How can I tell that ? You were sitting up in front of the tv ? How am I gonna tell You were having a dream ? [ thunder rumbling ] Mr. Beige. I've got a bit Of news for you. that's nice. I don't get no paper. You guys using The same gag book ? What was this news That you had for me ? Well, it seems... That an abandoned Lincoln Continental was found in an open field... Up the shield's valley. So ? It was full of bullet holes. - why is that ? - for no apparent reason. But the bullets that did The work might be of interest to you. Why ? They were from a .50 caliber Sharps buffalo rifle. Oh, I see. Is that all ? Yeah. Well, in that case, I reckon I'll just wander on back to the bunkhouse... Before I lose track Of that dream I was having. You see, I was dreaming that I was in ancient Egypt. this here pharaoh-- Hold on a minute, Henry. Let's just try To focus here a minute. I get the picture. Uh, that Lincoln automobile Was shot up... With the same kind of gun That killed that steer of yours. Well, if this doesn't Interest you, Mr. Beige, I hope you won't be offended If I pursue it. Oh, that's fine. Go right ahead. But you know, there's One incredible thing that I gotta find out. - what's that ? - was I just a commoner ? I don't follow. Was I a commoner Or was I actually a member... Of the Pharaoh's Royal family ? You see, in this dream... I was a-standing up there On top of that pyramid with the pharaoh, And it was just like we knowed Each other for years and years. and the Nile was a-flowin' down there below us... And the slaves was a-bowin' And a-scrapin'... And there was Dancing girls, and-- [ Curt ] Oh, god, she's beautiful. Like a flower... Or a fawn. So carefree. She's almost Like... Bambi. [ sighs ] Oh. You look beautiful. Take them. God made them. Well, I got 'em now. Laura ? Yes, Curt ? Could we kiss ? Yes, curt. But curt-- Yes, Laura ? I don't think I'm too good. You'll show me, Won't you ? [ moans ] [ sighs ] [ buttons popping ] [ moans ] Who does this car Belong to ? Why don't you ask The highway patrol ? They sent me for it. Looks like Baby face nelson's. Thanks, pal. Officer, um, can you Tell me who that Lincoln continental belongs to ? The one you just Sent to the dump ? It's belongs to A Mr. Wilbur Fargo. what's the story ? Well, it was Stolen and vandalized. that's all we know right now. We got a real feeling It was Negroes. Wait a minute. I'm way Out of line. let's just say it could've been negroes. Have you got Mr. Fargo's address ? sure. When was the last time You saw a negro in Livingston ? On the 1:15 from billings. It was a redcap. You sure it wasn't Al Jolson ? All right, all right. I realize your car... Was amply covered By insurance, But I have A special reason to want to know... If you have any notion Of who might taken it. I don't know, And I don't wanna know. Sounds to me like maybe You don't want to know. That may be it. You already know ? No. I think you do. You're full of shit then. What is it ? Who you trying to protect ? Nobody. Who is it, Wilbur ? I just said I didn't know. Now you're gonna have to get The hell out of my house. You trying to protect Yourself ? no. I think you are. Well, what if I am ? What if I am trying To protect myself ? What of it ? All right, Wilbur. Let's you and i Leave it at that. But, uh, just for The sake of reason, Why don't you count On seeing me again. [ train bell clanging ] That was Burt. Says go ahead And rent a semi. I tried to get him To split with us on the rental. He knows we got the Baseheart Of Bozeman money, though. He wants us to front The expenses, take it off the top out of the profits. Real sharpie. He said he lined up a feed lot In rainbow rock, south Dakota, Where we can lay out The whole load. It'll be days probably Before they discover that stock missing. So John Brown's not Even interested. At least not enough To go riding around his ranch. hi. Boys ? Couple of coffees, huh ? Stock's gonna be up In that upper corral near antelope Butte. We'll just drive The truck up there and load 'em in. Where is Burt and curt Gonna be at ? asleep in the bunkhouse. He was real clear About that. we blow it, he says he doesn't know us. What are we gonna Do with the money ? [ chuckles ] I don't know. [ sighs ] This is just to keep From falling asleep. don't you know that ? Well, Thank you. Old pal, The thing is, I don't have Any trouble keeping awake. All right, Then I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll finish this job, Retire at rancho deluxe, Just south of the big Rock candy mountain. And we'll be Wide awake ! [ cows mooing ] This is the life, Huh, Burt ? Yeah, it sure is, curt. Riding the old range. ♪ where the deer And the antelope play ♪ [ chuckling ] ♪ where seldom's heard ♪ ♪ a discouraging word ♪ ♪ and the skies Are not cloudy all day ♪ Well, I reckon we got Enough cattle in there to fill that damn truck. How long you been Working ranches now ? This time, Two years, three. I used to do ranch work In high school in the summers. What'd you do Before you came here ? Modeled hot combs On Butte television. what'd you do ? Appliance repair. One of us will have to Come up in the morning, Wipe out the semi tracks. After that, it's just sit back And wait for payday. [ chuckling ] Well-- Tell you the truth, I got mine just about spent. On what ? I'm gonna take me a winter vacation. Gonna hire me a villa Down in puerto vallarta, Where Elizabeth Taylor And them go. How's about you ? Aw, you'd just laugh. I probably will, but... Why don't you Tell me anyway ? I wanna ask Laura To marry me. I was afraid That was it. Yeah, well, she'd be Just as surprised as you are, I guess. We ain't got That far along yet. But I know that's What I wanna do. Did you get In her pants yet ? Don't start in, Burt. Did you get any tit ? Get any titty off her ? Whoo ! [ both laughing ] Whoo ! Ah ! ah ! Curt ! [ laughing ] Kiss me again, curt. You know, honey, I'm beginning to see the light. Would this be the light At the end of the tunnel ? No, this would be Light in general. I am beginning to see... What that little twerp Was trying to hide. What little twerp ? i am not sure this would interest you, Mr. Beige. It has to do with Solving a little problem we have around here. - what problem would that be ? - that would be rustling, Mr. Beige. Well, I'll be dogged. Listen at him now. yes, you listen to me, all right. all of you. We are the victims of crime, And it just seems To bore you. it even bores you, Mr. Beige. it don't exactly bore me. Don't you understand ? I have got a hot lead. Well, run her down then, son. Don't let me take the fun out of it for you. take the fun out of it for me ? You aren't gonna take The fun out of it for me, You 2,000-year-old Rangeland cornball, and I'll tell you why. Because you're gonna get Your shrunken ass... The hell out of here In 24 hours ! Well, 24 hours will be Just about fine with me. Uncle Henry ! John, I think this has been In despicable taste. I'm being bled to death By cattle thieves, I'm trying to keep From drowning, and you want to review my taste ? You have got to promise me That you're joking ! Laura ? [ horse whinnies ] [ Laura sobbing ] It's okay. It'll be All right. Oh, it's just that Uncle Henry has always been such a nice person, So good to everybody, And it just broke My heart to see him so old and helpless. I know, darling, I know. [ sobbing ] oh, don't call me darling. Why ? Because ! I can't have anything To do with this place after uncle Henry's failure. Oh, Laura-- I just can't ! Laura, please. There's no chance for uncle Henry now. Another day We'll be gone. [ sobbing ] That great old man, The great stock detective... Will have to look defeat In the face. But I still don't See why I can't call you darling. Oh, you can't see that ? no, I can't. i really can't. It's because I love you. And since uncle Henry's failed, I have to stick by his side... And-and take him home. If I let you call me Them endearments, It'd just be admitting Everything I gotta leave. And that would be hard. Too hard. [ sobbing ] It's okay. It'll be okay. It's okay. I'll explain it to you. Do you call this Real life, Cecil ? it is to me, Jack. I'd like to not Give it up. I just noticed how Wide awake I am. now why is that ? Fear, I'd say, Jack. How many pairs of clean socks you bringing ? I am not a monster. I am a property owner. John ! John, it's me, Cora ! What's that mean, Cora ? You sounded like You were addressing the multitudes. Well, it just seems Plain to me, But I've got the goods On the rustler. Is there only one ? I've got the goods, That's all. will you hand me a towel, honey ? Mmm. I don't see why I should wait-- Just because it'd be polite-- For that dipshit Henry Beige... To solve this thing At some remote future date. That sagebrush nincompoop. All right, john, What are you gonna do then ? I am going to settle This mess... today ! Whoo ! let's go. [ cattle mooing ] All right, now, Let's go. Let's go. Go on. Let's go, cattle. Whoo ! Whoo ! Go on. [ shouting, whistling ] Wilbur Fargo. You know that, Brown. You are under arrest. Officer crane has the papers. What's the charge ? You are charged with willfully Destroying your own automobile to collect the insurance... And with operating A rustling ring. I thought you'd be smart enough To use a different rifle for different jobs. Now wait just a damn minute. I've got some talking to do. [ engine revving ] I'm glad you can deal With this mother. Fifteen gears ? Which you can split. So that makes 30, Plus Mexican overdrive. You remember To fuel it ? I thought it was full When we rented it. Check the gas gauge. I didn't know You were nervous. Full to the top ! All right. Ladies, That handsome peach pie has caught my eye. Let me serve you A piece then. Would you care for A cold cola ? No, thanks. Pie'll be just fine. Care for a chokecherry Tart, Mr. Beige ? Of course I do, but... It's time this old reprobate Was going to work. Hold still. Now y'all take care Of yourself ! Thanks for the pie, Ladies ! What's Mexican overdrive ? Neutral. Whoo ! [ whinnies ] Oh, gee. [ whinnies ] Come out, boys ! Join the party ! [ engine shuts off ] Yes, sir. Shut her down. You're gonna stay a while. Come on around Here, feller. Okay, down the line. Down the line. [ all applauding ] Put the cuffs On 'em, boys. Ladies, I'll have Another piece of that pie ! Cora, I've got it ! I've got it. I know who it is. I got it ! John Brown, you come on inside And let me buy you a drink. [ whimpering ] Goddamn it ! I really trusted her. I really thought she loved me. Brown, here's my bill. You can pay it, Or you can use it to wipe the pablum off your chin. I'll pay it. Don't make me no never mind. I'm in it for the sport. I'm gonna give you A rule of thumb. You foller it, and You might be able to hang on to this ranch of yours. All large-scale crime Is an inside job. Running up and down the road A-taking fingerprints... And sending trash off To the crime labs... Just don't get it done. You're dealing with people, You gotta be human. Come on, Henry. Let's get the hell out of this pop stand. I wanna get to great falls And spend my cut. [ chuckles ] You try to Remember it today. Two-year-old steers In the north pasture. Cows, calves And bred heifers in the south. Got it. And I'll make The lunch while you practice walking... That coin Between your fingers. You can wash The dishes while I practice card tricks. Whatever you say, cec. We can find a way. ♪ cold, blue morning' ♪ ♪ the game is done ♪ ♪ nobody lost, and ♪ ♪ nobody won ♪ ♪ so shuffle the cards up ♪ ♪ play it again ♪ ♪ really don't matter ♪ ♪ if we lose We still win ♪ ♪ yeah, we got to try And find a way ♪ ♪ laugh, we gonna drink We gonna play ♪ ♪ bouncing' 'round The mountains day to day ♪ ♪ oh, crazy mountains ♪ ♪ they named you well ♪ ♪ white men and red men ♪ ♪ stories that we heard tell ♪ ♪ you're so mellow ♪ ♪ from your tender wine ♪ ♪ from your Sweetgrass foothills ♪ ♪ to your timberline ♪ ♪ ah, yeah, we got to try And find a way ♪ ♪ gonna laugh, we gonna drink We gonna play ♪ ♪ ah, bouncing' 'round The mountains day to day ♪ B-Bar or Lazy-T? B-Bar. Now, why do you say that? Because the fire road runs above their corrals and you can't see it from the house. - Let's toss a coin. - Let's just decide. - Can you walk a quarter between your fingers? - That's the first thing they teach you in jail. How to walk a quarter between your fingers. Simple-minded card tricks are next. - I'll do it. - My leader. You can practice walking the coin. You're real proud of it. Where's the saw? In the back. Brought the little McCullough. - That thing is so damned hard to start. - You are nervous. - Shall I show you a few card tricks? - Just show me that thing start. - Did you gas this mother up? - Smell it, Cecil. You flooded it. Then we got to wait it out. O, just a couple of sleepy rustlers waiting for somebody to come and mend the fence. There's no way out except the fire road, so no trouble making the arrest. How many cows is B-Bar running here? A couple of thousand on the summer range. Minus this one. Right. Don't forget that one. See, if we were grown-ups, the B-Bar would be running a full 2,000 head. Now they're down to 1,999, there's hardly any sense in going on. I'll give it another try. - Jack - Mm? - Do you believe in the tooth fairy? - Who takes your tooth from under the pillow? - I do if you do, Cecil. - Well, I do too, then. I'm planning to watch the Tuesday night livestock report. See what we can get for four hooves, a head and some cow guts. We know it's not a coyote this time. Let's report it before it gets blamed on us. My plan would be to mail that to somebody. Well, all right. If that means something to you. I hate to be so late with the rent. We've been out of town. Now there's a problem transferring funds from a savings account to our checking account without losing our Christmas bonus. Come on, get to the point. We were hoping to pay our rent with 100 pounds of US prime beef. This is about double what we owe you. Or more. Is this reservation cattle? No, ma'am. Grain-fed. We swapped a jeep for it. We don't wanna lose our Christmas bonus at the bank, Last month it was a sheep. Next month it will be hard cash. And it was still warm. Yes, ma'am. It cost us a Rototiller. We got beat out of a lot of value on that one. OK. We was gonna check the livestock report, see what hooves was going for. Shut up, Curt! How in hell did they get in here? Fire service road. - I'm gonna close that road. - You can't. It's the fire road. I'll go to see the governor and close that road. I've closed service roads all over Montana. I'm not gonna have a West that's not free. I'll not have my stock breaking their legs in gopher burrows. I'll not have a West that's not free. And at this point in the 200th century, I'm not gonna be plagued by rustlers. - Who's that chopper mechanic? - Linsday. Tell him we hunt predators, airlift big game, and track rustlers with this son of a bitch and we can't afford carburetor trouble in blind canyons again. Yes sir, I'll tell him. Sure sounds good to me now, though. One more bit of engine trouble, and I stand up at the Cattlemen's Association and announce what a piece of shit this thing is. Let's get the hell outta here. How are you, Betty? Bored. - What you tying this week? - Royal Coachman. And you're bored? That sounds like an interesting fly. Fuck you, Jack - Do you wanna go out with me? - I haven't any idea. I thought we could go over to the Wrangler and shoot a little pool. - Buy a cheeseburger. - Dynamite. - D'you want to come out and play tonight? - Well... I'm supposed to help my sister catch her horses up in the Crazies. - If your sister'll go out with Cecil, we'll help you. - All right, but bring your own horses. - Come on, Cecil. - Hold on now. Dee and me are working this out. - Says you. - Come on. Leave her to her work, - Just got you a date with Betty's sister Mary. - All right. She's the tastiest lady around here, if you ask me. Lips of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds. Yeah, that's the one. Shall I bring a lot of rubbers? - Indians. Jesus! - Sorry. Just trying to embrace the new culture. - We gotta help catch their dad's horses. - Where at? - Up in the Crazies. - All right. Honey. I'm back - How are things in the wild blue yonder? - You look fantastic. All right, John. Cecil, have you ever watched chickens fucking? - I wouldn't say "watched". - Have you ever listened? You must be these ladies' dad. - Afternoon, Mr... - Dog. Bob Dog. I'm Cecil Colson, North American Indian. We're here to help catch the horses. My bet is they've gone half wild up there in them Aspens. How right you are. Makes you really wonder if you should have given in when they whined and whined for another Appaloosa barrel racer. - They've probably reverted to bucking stock - Shut up, Jack, and take off that mask. Give me a hand here. I've gotta git. Just run all your ponies into the old corral. I'll send a stock truck up for them. OK., Dad. Bye-bye Daddy. - (,Jack, ) How many horses are we looking for? - Five. (Cecil) Where shall we start looking? Let's throw the I Ching and see. (Betty) No, we ain't throwing no I Ching to find no horses. Damn. Eat it, Betty. High-school kids can't pick their noses without getting stoned and throwing the I Ching. You can't sleep at night without humping cowboys in the driveway. Watch your lip, Mary. Or demolition-derby drivers, bank tellers, brand inspectors, just to name a few. (Cecil) Ladies, damn, I'm getting disillusioned. Let's just ride up there and catch these ponies. This is America today. God wants America on horseback finding lost Appaloosa barrel racers. Do I make myself clear? (Betty) Mary, you and Cecil go to the top of the south pasture. We'll go down the forest service line and herd 'em back from there. If we catch one, it'll be simple with the others, OK? - Right. - OK. - Make it to the tree, she'll dive for his fly. - Now, you don't know that. I do. She's a dumb twot and I can't stand her. She flushed two lids down the toilet on me, smashed my black light, tore up my posters, scratched my Humble Pie albums. - What's the difference in age between you? - Two years. But she's about exactly half as hip as my grandma is cranking out doilies. (Jack) Jesus, Betty. Oh, Jesus! (Betty) Just like that! Oh, yeah! Oh, Jesus. (Betty) Ooh. Oh, yeah! That is dyno-supreme. I am loaded. Stony weed, I tell you. The most possible primo. - Ooh. Oh, my. Oh, yeah! - Betty. Oh, baby. Oh, baby! Come on. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Oh! Oh, baby! Jack You miserable son of a bitch! - Is nothing sacred to you? Why have I asked you to save these? I have asked you to save these because they will help show us that these rustling cases are all the work of the same man. A lot of people have 270s, Mrs. Brown. Curt, you're a slow boat to China. Burt, will you tell Curt what I told you? - Curt. - Yes, Burt. The firing pin of a rifle is like a fingerprint. We're gonna send those cases to the ballistics lab. All right. Anybody feel like dancing? How about you, slow boat? The music's a little hard to dance to. Come on, goddamn it. I want some gothic ranch action around here. I want some desire under the elms. I want to see some smouldering glances down at the old corral. I don't know, Mrs. Brown. Gee, Mrs. Brown. Well, piss off, then. Jesus Christ! Tweedledy-dee and Tweedledy-dum. What do I want with beef? I have nothing to trade you anyway. - How about your dirt bike? - My Elsinore? Are you nuts? That's worth more than your steer. - What kind of condition was this animal in? - Real choice. - You got a nice rifle? - I got a Sharp's Buffalo rifle. A real plains rifle made by WC Freund. - What calibre? - 50 Sharp's. I'd trade my rifle for your quarter. How many ribs on a quarter? I'm so glad you asked. It's a three-rib quarter. It'll run to half the weight of that side. Throw in the kidneys and liver and you got a deal. If you want a deal. I'll take your Sharp's. Jack and me are about the last of the plainsmen. Today's Enterprise announced that old John Brown bought the Lazy-T. It doesn't matter which fork we took it was still gonna be one of his cows. I'm glad we got it in storage. I didn't like the feeling when that chainsaw flooded. I don't know if John Brown's so bad, either. He'll keep tourists from putting an aluminum house trailer on a quarter acre of pasture. - Ever see Cheyenne Autumn? - Oh, yes. Well, in another 20 years, they're gonna make Aluminum Autumn. - You bored, John? - Yeah. What do you want to do? I don't know. Want to go look for signs of the rustlers? They probably haven't even been around. Darling, that's not my fault. And it's not my fault there are no more ranches to buy around here. Why don't you run into Livingston and get yourself a hat? - I don't feel like it. - I've got it, John. I've got it. Why don't you call a press conference on this rustling? You know, that's not a bad idea, Cora. That's really not. I could declare war on rustling. Can you beat that? John Brown has declared war on rustlers in Park, County. That's us. Before you whites came here, we had a simple existence in these shining mountains, under this big sky. - Horseshit. - We had that, too. Cec, your relatives were primarily bucktoothed squaw-humpers from the east. It sure was something with them ladies last night. What's the matter? We've got to jack up this here ante on John Brown. - Let's burn his barn. - No, really. I mean it. Let's burn and pillage. You fuckin' Indian. Are you interested in this livestock exposition? You mean now we're in the cattle business? Let's skip these runners-up and also-rans. - Let's go for the biggest and the best. - What's that? Let's see what won the top seed bull. I want to see the winning chicken. We're gonna skip the chicken. I'm into Blue Ribbon cabbages. I want to see one. Let's keep our eye on the ball. (man) This fine bull, Baseheart of Boseman Canyon, has compiled more than twice the number of points needed here tonight to win this blue ribbon. He has tremendous thickness and length and at show time checked in at twenty-six hundred pounds. His mother, at 14 years of age, is still running in the high country with her grandchildren. This bull has it all: size, bone, trimness, color. It just brings tears to my eyes. John Brown, I wonder if you could say a word or two to Baseheart of Boseman Canyon's admirers? Thank you, Bob. Honey, come on up here. My wife and I thank you all. I would like to say to my fellow breeders that in twenty years of breeding from this stock you can count the steers on one hand. Our bull calves have, on the whole, grown up to be bulls. (man) All right! (Cecil) OK. Ain't he something? Seriously, we have the top matrons and the top sires. We raise very correct cattle at the B-Bar Lazy-T. And if we do the same with our citizens, maybe these chainsaw rustlers will give us a chance to show you some of Baseheart of Boseman Canyon's grandsons. Congratulations. Thank you. - Burt, you load that bull. - Yes sir, John. Excuse me, sir. This might seem obvious to you, but do you maintain this quality with all your bulls? - Damn sure do. - All thorough pedigrees? - You bet. - Performance-tested before you sell? - Semen-tested? - Yes. Certificates of soundness from a reputable vet? Absolutely. What's that baby there worth? About fifty thousand big ones. Do you like your work? I feel it's a growing industry and I'm growing with it. Baseheart couldn't care less who's driving. I'd like to go from one piece of ass to another and get money and blue ribbons for the job. That'd be checking out in style. Why should we have to hide from a helicopter? - (Jack) Private land, Betty. - (Mary) It's landing. (Jack) Bird that owns it would run us in so quick... (Mary) I'll be darned. Jack, let's go down there and see what they were up to. Ladies, go look for a swimming hole with some warm rocks. We're just curious to see what these ranch fascists do with their machinery. Should we count it? - I don't think that would be too interesting. - No, neither do I. - Do you like to be prosperous? - Isn't that interesting? Maybe a party would be interesting. Baseheart'll have to fuck his ass off to make up for this. I was tempted to trap them but I didn't want to risk losing Baseheart. That goddamn animal is my signature on the American West. Honey, I'm with you. Let's just hope. I'm staring at a bad loss more than financially. The note said we go to room 203 for another clue? No, we get an exact and complete description of Baseheart's whereabouts. It said that. Could we have the key to room 203? Something's there for us. I'll come, too. I've had complaints about that room. - What complaints? - Must be honeymooners in that room. What name is it registered under? John and Cora Brown. They don't answer the phone. They're just having the noisiest damned honeymoon, carrying on. I went and knocked. Sounded like they were on the bed. It was hellacious. Are you kin? Kind of. (manager) Do you suppose that mother'd ever charge? What have you got in mind for this week? - I want to spend some time with my old man. - That's remarkable. - Why? - I was thinking about visiting my folks. - Is that right? - Yeah. I've been thinking about it. I might as well. I don't see how we're gonna top this week, Let's take a vacation. Come on, old man. We're gonna float the river. Aw, Cec. I don't feel up to it. Shit you don't. I got the picnic and about a hundred big hoppers. You got a hundred big hoppers? You got a raft to use? I just bought a dandy new Mackenzie boat. - Got it? - Right. - What are these, Cec? - They're all bacon, lettuce and tomato. We could have eaten them hoppers. Old boys on the reservation used to eat grasshoppers. Full of nourishment. They're supposed to taste good, too. Let's find out. Hm? - Damn, Cecil! It's not bad. Come on now Daddy. It's what our forebears done. Some of them, Cec. We're supposed to have some royalty in there, too. The Prince of Angolia or something. You ain't doing no crime or nothing? No offence intended. - I don't know what you mean. - There ain't no visible means of support. And this boat, you know. And that jazzy pick-up truck I've had about 150 jobs in the last month. All right. It's all right. Let me tell you another thing. I seen more of this state's poor cowboys, miners, railroaders and Indians go broke buying pick-up trucks. The poor people of this state are dope-fiends for pick-up trucks. Once they get ten cents ahead, they trade in on a new truck. The families, homesteads, schools, hospitals and happiness of Montana have been sold down the river to buy pick-up trucks. It is a sickness here worse than alcohol and dope. It is the pick-up truck debt. And there's no cure in sight. Well, I do see what you mean. Really. But I own this truckin partners with Jack We do a lot of hauling with it. - Jack. Get the front door, would you? Hello, Anna. We're going to leave you two alone. Jack. I can see that you really question my judgement on this. That's right, Mother. I question your judgement. - Now look - Get out! I'm about to question your goddamn judgement. Did you hear me? - I don't know why they did this. - They left it up to me. So I came. I wanted to see you, look at you. It makes it harder, Anna. Damn. I'd just gotten so I could come here at all. Hey. How do you like being single? - I guess it's the only way I can live. - Jack. Couldn't I come and see you? God. Why? So we can work on each other again? Lock ourselves in the house, crawl around and weep and take tranquillizers? Talk about suicide and pointlessness again? Is that what you wanna do? Anna, don't you understand yet that we make each other insane? God, that last week we had together... ..you were too crazy to wash your face or brush the knots out of your hair. We mutilated each other! Don't you understand? I still love you. I don't care. I love you and I don't want any more of it! I don't want any more of it! - Are you sure that's them? - Sure as shooting. - Is that pretty sure? - That's real sure. You're not that bad. Just play for shape instead of blasting away. - Are you Indian? - Part. Indians never get too good at pool. I thought maybe you were Jewish or a greaser. So, as you were saying? Well, John Brown has seized on this rustling 'cause he's kinda sad, bored, you know. All this sleuthing excites him. What about that stock detective? Where did that come from? John has hired this Henry Beige. He's out of Two Dot, Montana. He's got a great reputation. He'll be here tomorrow. He's pretty old. He's bringing his niece to take care of him. Won't that kind of take away from John Brown's fun? I was thinking the same thing. I hope not. He's been sleeping nights lately instead of rambling around the ranch yard with insomnia. When we recovered Baseheart of Boseman Canyon, he was happier than if we'd never lost him. The ransom on that son of a bitch made every stockman's paper in the country and every regular paper in the West. - There you go. - Got another quarter? Do you figure it was the same rustlers? The ones we've been reading about? Oh, I know who it is. - Oh, you do? - Mm-mm. Bring your man backing the middle, you'll play better. 'Cause I beat you 2 already and we're playing 3 out of 5 for championship of the universe. Well, who is it? Who's what? That's rustling off your stock Come on, Jack Tell me. It's you. - No, seriously. - I am serious. You're the rustler. Hell, why do you... Why do you say that? Well, me and Burt told the old man we wanted to come to town and wanted one more chance to catch the rustlers, the culprits. We told him we wanted to run down some leads. It was the only way to get the night off. Since you and Cecil are the only two we talked to, you gotta be the hot leads. But I have to believe you are the rustlers, or my conscience'll hurt me and all I'll want to do is drink and play bar games. I believe in fun. I believe in having it all now. I believe in hygiene. I believe in a good old time. I believe in getting it all while you can. Is there anything you don't believe in, May? I don't believe in letting your meatloaf. - I'd like to introduce two celebrity friends. - Jack, I know who they are. Burt and Curt of the B-Bar Lazy-T. Well, anyway. Let me tell you, we're still offering standard acts and jobs at the standard rates. Although the livestock has picked up in quality, we have not raised our price on Half and Half, Round the World, or your straight show. We have, however, cancelled the old Hershey Highway. But we are willing to negotiate on circuses, sultan slavery, harems or any kind of free-form fandango somebody wants to invent for himself. Well, we promised Burt and Curt a treat. - So you let them pick and we'll cover it. - (May) Come on, pick. - We want 'em all. - Yep. It's yours. Our word's good. That's gonna spoil about three hundred dollars. No, we bought it, May. Cec and I are men of our word. You get in there and raise it to three fifty. Who's gonna answer the phone? - Do you wanna wake these rustlers up? - They sure was generous. They're good boys. No question. Let's wake 'em and buy 'em some breakfast. How do you feel about your wages up there? - It's more the way of life than it is the salary. - Come on, answer seriously. The wages are lousy. Three fifty a month, room and board. Mrs. Brown tells the cook, to make the food too spicy. Why do you ask? Are you rustlers looking for some inside help? - It might be fun to talk about, anyway. - Sure it would. Just to help us stay awake. Why don't we all go for a swim? (Jack) My concern is whether we can turn around in the upper pasture. (Curt) Don't worry about that. If it don't look, good, we'll go up and make a turnaround. You know you're gonna have to take it a good ways east to get away from brand inspection. (Jack) Yeah, I know. - And the split is a simple four-way. - (Jack) Absolutely. I think we got a deal, then. What about the stock detective? No problem. I recommended him to Brown. Is he honest? As the day is long. Poor bastard is so old he creaks like the inner sanctum. He still don't believe he's got the job. He can hardly get from room to room. Let's get dressed. I got something in the truck I wanna show you. You boys left this down at the locker plant. If you're gonna have a sport coat made out of it, have the brand removed first. Where's the geezer? He's coming. His niece is helping him come down from the bunk house. Jesus, Cora. He doesn't even look mobile. Laura, what do you do when you're not lending your Uncle Henry a helping hand? I help my mom. What about when you're not helping her? I go over to the Senior Citizens and help the old folks. - Livingston? - No, ma'am, in Choteau. - What else do you do? - I sew. (Cora) What do you sew? I make nice things for nice folks. You are a remarkable girl, Laura. All I want is for folks to be happy. - It's a big, wide wonderful world... - Can it, Laura. We're trying to eat. Holy Christ Almighty. Have you always been a stock detective, Mr. Beige? - No. - What did you do before that? I was a horse thief. That's how I made such a good stock detective. One time I had 400 head of stolen horses in my corrals up on Sixteen Mile River. I had to put 'em on the electric train to transfer 'em over to the Northern Pacific and ship them into a four-state area inside 48 hours. I could ship a stolen horse faster than you could move an airmail letter. - I was the very best. - Why did you quit? I got caught. Sent me up to the penitentiary at Deer Lodge. I spent three years breaking horses up yonder while everybody was having a fine time in World War II. When I realized that my thievery had cost me the circus of the century, I decided to go straight, work on the other side of the law. Well, Mr Beige. I think it's about time we acclimate you to the B-Bar Lazy-T. This country around here is a little steeper than what you're used to. See that peak up there? Squaw Mountain. It's about 11,000. Careful. Thatta boy. (John) We raise very correct cattle at the B-Bar ranch. The last time I saw him on his feet was four days ago. That little simp, Laura, brings him food three times a day. Mr. Beige told me that very often his mere presence puts an end to rustling. Evidently his reputation precedes him. I don't know why, Cora. I sort of feel we've been had. To me, the worst of it is the way Curt and Burt follow Laura around. We're not gettin' half the use out of them we once did. I'm afraid our two chimps are in love. They come knuckling out of the bunk house every morning, trying to get to Laura's side to help bring Mr. Beige's breakfast to him. Darlin'? Are you ever sorry we got out of the beauty-parlor business? Gee, I miss Connectity sometimes. Jack, I just got to find out what this bastard can do. Cecil, no! Jesus! Cecil, Jesus Christ! - Hi, boys. - Hello. Burt and me thought you ought to know what bad planning feels like. Thank you. What does it feel like? - You made your point. - Boys, I got a question. When we're fixing to skate off a semi-truck load of living veal, what in the hell are you doing up here penny-anteing for one steer? - Sport. - Sport. Cecil and I are sportsmen. Let me tell you, wise guy. We have to go up and get Mr. Henry Beige now and bring him to the kill. I don't know what you were shooting with, but you for sure could hear it at the ranch. I don't know what they shot this steer with but it blowed a hole in him you could throw a cat through. It's got my curiosity up. It's either been hit by a bazooka or an express train. Wait a minute. Yeah, here she comes. Hell, I'll be doggone. If I wasn't so old, I wouldn't know what that was. - What is it, Mr. Beige? - It's a 50-calibre bullet. - What kind of gun? - A Sharp's Buffalo rifle. You know, things is getting downright romantic. I don't know what these boys got in mind. But it's a good sign they wanted us to get dressed up. They're nice boys, but I don't need to get grossed out again. This is a weird mixture of yin and yang. So many animal karmas have bit the dust here. - Just eat, Mary. - Bite my ass, Betty. Girls. Take your hand outta my crotch, Jack! , - Betty, the orchestra heard you. - Betty's so spiritual. Play a polka! Come on! Whoo-hoo! Let's go. You may go, Officer. I have recovered my Lincoln Continental Mark IV. Come in, Mother, and have a look Come in, Mrs. Kamer. Come in Aunt Bea and Uncle Ramsay and see the floozies and the whoremongers. Grandma, Grandpa Hooper, don't hold back Come on in and see what the world has come to. Filth and evil is one subject I'm slow to tolerate. That's two subjects. Son, you are in a dangerous country and I'd advise you... I knew if I kept this by my bed long enough, some worm would turn up here. That's what I call self-fulfilling prophecy. Now get down on your knees. Fast! Boy, I'm in a bad mood. OK.,. Now fold your hands in front of you and beg your daughters for forgiveness. Faster. I'll blow you to kingdom come. Forgive me, girls. If you had any right to do this, you wouldn't get down on your knees for me. (Grandma) That boy is 100 per cent right. I don't care who hears me say it. You had no right, Wilbur. I knew you knew better, Grandma. It's these World War I war babies we're having trouble with. If any of you follow us in the next hour or two, you may just find me in the front yard with this nasty-looking heater in my hand. As for you, dork don't press charges. If you do, they'd better catch me quick 'cause I'll come looking for your ass. Let's go. Jack! , Follow me. I'm gonna take a ride in this Lincoln Continental Mark IV. We're beaucoup committed now. Let's ride in style. No wonder them old boys had such reputations. This is an amazing piece. Go for the hood ornament. You got it. What are you up to? Mrs. Brown asked me to hoover these Navajos. Be careful not to unravel them with that machine. I'd never use no hoover on Indian rugs. Mrs. Brown said I was to do it this way and these are Mrs. Brown's Navajos. - Well, she's a jerk-off. - Huh? What? That's just an expression I heard. Mrs. Brown probably knows best about her own Navajos. Yeah, I think that's true, Laura. When she told me to hoover, I just hoovered. I didn't ask no further questions. I think you're right to follow instructions. Laura, I got a crush on you. Burt. - Curt. - I meant that. I meant Curt. You're so sweet and so innocent. Yet you always seem to have something going on in your mind. Would you consider taking a walk with me after I finish up here? Honey, I'm back! , And I have picked up some information you would practically pay to hear. John Cameron Swayze hopscotching the world for news. - Burt, get Mr. Beige. - Yes, sir. - Wait till you get a load of this. - Tell me now. This is just gonna make you twitch. I hate anybody barging in on me when I'm a-dreaming. How can I tell that? You was sitting in front of the TV. How am I gonna tell you were having a dream? Mr. Beige. I've got a bit of news for you. That's nice. I don't get no paper. You guys using the same gag book? What was this news that you had for me? Well, it seems that an abandoned Lincoln Continental was found in an open field up the Shields Valley. - So? - It was full of bullet holes. - Why's that? - For no apparent reason. But the bullets that did the work might be of interest to you. Why? They were from a 50-calibre Sharp's Buffalo rifle. Oh, I see. Is that all? Yeah. In that case, I'll go back to the bunk house before I lose track of that dream I was having. I was a-dreaming that I was in Ancient Egypt. This here Pharaoh... Hold on a minute, Henry. Let's just try to focus here a minute. I get the picture. That Lincoln automobile was shot up with the same kind of gun that killed that steer of yours. Well, if this doesn't interest you, Mr. Beige, I hope you won't be offended if I pursue it? That's fine. Go right ahead. But you know, there's one incredible thing that I gotta find out. - What's that? - Was I just a commoner? (Cora) I don't follow. Was I a commoner or was I a member of the Pharaoh's royal family? You see, in this dream, I was standing up on top of that pyramid with the Pharaoh, and it was like we'd known each other for years. The Nile was a-flowing down below us and the slaves was a-bowing and a-scraping, and there was dancing girls and... (Curt) God, she's beautiful. Like a flower. Or a fawn. So carefree. She's almost like... ..Bambi. They're beautiful. Take them. God made them. Well... I got 'em now. Laura. - Yes, Curt? - Could we kiss? Yes, Curt. - Curt? - Yes, Laura? I don't think I'm too good. You'll show me, won't you? Oh. Who does this car belong to? Ask Highway Patrol. They sent me for it. Yes? I'm the secretary for the League for the Penalization of Divorce, I'd like to speak with Mr. Rossi please One moment please Ricardo... Ricardo do you think you'll have a single moment of peace in this life without my memory tormenting you? Eva... Eva! - What's wrong? - My god, the window, look! Do you want me to close it? Well, do you want me to close it? Y-yes If you wake me up this way again it'll give me a heart attack for sure Yes, it must have been the cold My arm feels like it's made of ice If you have camomile tea I can make you some - No no, thank you - You're just so nervous I'll make it myself, go to sleep You have no way out and you know it, you'll die without even realizing it What's wrong? What's going on? Calm down There's someone in the kitchen - In the kitchen? - Yes, go look No, there's no one dear This is starting to seriously worry me How is it possible you have hallucinations like this? What did you see? That glass, that glass is empty... - Look, it's empty! - I see it perfectly well Yes, it's empty. Look Damn her! No, it's nothing really I wanted to say goodbye to you before leaving No What is it you're thinking? Of course not, of course. No Goodbye I have to leave the city - and I want you to come with me - Is your wife about to return, by chance? Or is it that we have to meet her? If I don't leave this city I'll go mad - What an idea, to meet with my wife - What's so strange about it? Do you know how many clients I've had who liked menage a trois? - I'm not one of those - No? I'm not willing to leave I've given you too much already, and my freedom means a lot to me Look, I'm in this profession as a career I left university to dedicate myself to this because I thought it'd be fun So tell me, what have you found? - Well, entertainment - I'd like to know what you find so entertaining about this You, for example. With all your oddities and fixations, you're perfect entertainment, but nothing else And of course, I'm not willing to put up with you all my life Think what you like, but come with me please No I want to continue being free I'm only willing to keep living with you only if we keep living in this city You can make conditions because you know I need you You only need me because your wife is gone, understand? You're unique What nonsense - Stop pulling my leg - Don't you understand I'm going crazy? - I'm serious Eva, I'm going crazy - Over a woman? What does that matter? Over a woman? Your woman... is just like any other We're only good for one thing No, no Eva. Besides, I don't want to talk about my wife Alright, as you wish Now what's wrong? Do you want to show me you're really crazy? Please. I'm leaving - Eva, who's here with us? - Where? - On the sofa - There's no one, who do you think? I'm just lying here by myself There's no room for doubt, I've gone crazy, and the worst part is that I know it It's horrible. If you can't save me then no one- There's someone in the garden No, don't go Ricardo I... If you keep on like this I'll end up getting scared, all the doors are closed. Please, - stay here - No, I want to know if I'm crazy Someone came in without calling It must be someone from the family, I'll go look - A moment Miss, who are you? - I'm Barbara Your name doesn't tell me anything Nevertheless, what do you want? And how and why did you come inside? Those are the same questions I'd like to ask you. Who are you? What's she doing here? I've never seen her before That's a good tactic, isn't it? To turn things around? You're the one who hasn't answered my questions Let's not mince words, were you looking for the bedroom? Barbara, what the devil are you doing here? I wasn't convinced of your sudden trip, and as you can see Uncle, I wasn't wrong I've delayed my trip, but those are things that don't concern you at all On the other hand, I'd like to know how you have a key to my house Aunt Eliza gave it to me. She doesn't keep secrets, at least from me She's our new housekeeper, and though she's very attractive, you have no right to think anything of it. You know I'm happy with my marriage Hello? Hello? Oh, it's you, how are you? No, Uncle isn't home Of course I'll tell him. Where are you? Aunt Eliza, you're so mean, why don't you want to tell me? I just swore you don't keep secrets from me Look, I'm here with a friend of mine, we were talking about you Yes, he's fine of course. Yes, I saw him yesterday Well, to be honest he seemed a bit strange It might be nothing, but aside from that he's perfect, don't worry No, you can't wait for him today I'll tell him, you can be sure of it No, you know that if something happened I'd tell you I'll tell you all the details when we see each other Yes, alright Yes, goodbye Aunt Eliza. Goodbye, alright? Well, it's clear you don't need my help anymore, you have a housekeeper A very affectionate niece I'll walk her out, I'll be right back Wait a moment I know that's not your housekeeper. I'm not stupid even if I'm still a kid I don't care about that, what I want to know is where she was and what she told you She only told me she was well, I can't tell you anything else Barbara, please, I'm going crazy! Uncle, you're acting ridiculously, you know? Couldn't I have made everything up to make you look bad in front of your friend? If someone would have dialed the wrong number I wouldn't have missed the chance Barbara, so you didn't talk to your aunt? No, I didn't say that. It could have been that way, but that isn't true because the truth is that I talked with Aunt Eliza I'm free to tell you what I want Uncle, you can't force me - Tell me Barbara, was it Aunt Eliza? - I already told you everything Look, it's the same one from last time - Who is it? Why do they spy on us? - Come on, hurry Poison Eva... Eva... Eva, call... call my niece Please Eva call my niece and leave this place - My god, what are you saying? - You have to go Ricardo, Ricardo! Leave, leave, they musn't find you here when I die You need my help Ricardo - Please, leave - Please, what's wrong, what have they done to you? At last! There's no need for it anymore, get rid of that disguise We have everything, everything we wanted! - Are you happy? - Immensely Did you see how your poor Ricardo fell for it? Like an idiot We created a work of art, no one will find out the truth But now let's thing about us Enough with death! And besides, we're rich! Where will we go? Where will we go, say it! - We're go to the casino! - Marvellous! And now I'm going to catch you Be careful because I'm going to catch you There it is, there it is! Don't escape, not even in jest, understand? There we go, come on... It'd be best that you don't move, it might be dangerous A perfect plan Eliza, a criminal plan truly worthy of a genius You nearly achieved your goal, I was really going mad, but you weren't able to take it all the way At first everything seems easy, but then the problems crop up and you fell into the trap There's nothing sadder than falling for your own trap as you did in yours You made a grave mistake when you talked to your niece on the phone, with Barbara I might have hallucinations, but not her I had her come to witness my so called visions and when she answered the phone your curiosity and your fear betrayed you Your niece's presence in my house suprised you, so you spoke to her normally to try to find out what was going on, not realizing you were giving me proof that I wasn't crazy at that same moment I needed an ally too, so I told Barbara everything It wasn't hard to figure out your game, but one doubt remained, one shadow I couldn't shed light on A man with no face and a beard I had to know who he was and Barbara had the ingenious idea to have me feign suicide With my death that man would show his true face Very soon we understood that that false man was none other than one of you, sometimes you Eva, and sometimes you Eliza, depending on the moment or circumstances - Excuse me, I have to make a phone call - No Barbara, please don't call the police! And why would I call them, the fact is nothing has happened yet The truth is I wouldn't know what to tell the police Hello? I'm... I'm a client, I'd like to speak with Mr. Giorgetti Alright, I'll wait Has there been some problem? Thank you Everything's in order Uncle, your funeral has gone perfectly, no one's noticed the substitution of the body It looks like you're thinking about those two more than about me I don't like to see you so serious, have a drink A bit of whiskey will bring back your cheer, you'll see Of course, this isn't the first time that a man and a woman love each other, but a love like ours... I always dreamed of having you all to myself, and now I do You're a marvelous man But I want you to promise me something, that the day that you get tired of me, you'll tell me I promise The difference of age might lead to bad things with time, and we have to be prepared, because only that way will what we have together stay beautiful I swear I'll tell you We'll be happy until that moment, at least It's terrible to suddenly find yourself in a situation that destroys your whole life, your ideals, - you yourself - It's time to start forgetting the past, my love will help you do it Or is it not enough? If you keep being so quiet I'll leave you alone with your ghosts Aren't you getting off dear? I don't feel well Barbara, I don't know... I don't know what's happening to me... My head is spinning It's as if... as if a strange drowsiness... It's nothing Ricardo, just the sleeping pills I put in your whiskey The situation was too tempting, only an idiot would have let it pass them by You told me to be honest with you, so I'm telling you, you're of no use for me, so I'm eliminating you Now without Aunt Eliza I'm your only heir, and no one would ever suspect a good girl, you hear me? Do you hear me? As a man I could never stand you, you're much too proud, but your money never rubbed me the wrong way No dear, I'll let myself out And now go with your loved ones No! No! Slowly, slowly... what's the hurry? Show some manners. I would like everyone to try and remember today's lesson. I only teach... you must learn. "What you desire is not what's required." Enough of that! Don't touch her. You in particular need to pay attention, Carletto. In fact, I'm due to tutor you in Latin later today. As for the rest of you, that's all for today. Sondra... want a lift on the back of my scooter? Hello. Hi. Can someone other than her get a ride home? Get on... THANK YOU... GRANDMOTHER Don't squeeze so hard. Marinella... you live here. - Thanks a lot. - You're welcome. The old bag must be senile to pull such a trick. This woman is a complete stranger to me. I've never seen her photograph. All of a sudden I get a telegram from Venezuela saying ... "I'm arriving on such and such a date and I expect you at the airport." But General, she married your father, God rest his soul. So what? Show respect. She deserves consideration as your stepmother. When my old man left my mother and me alone when I was a child? That's paternal devotion. Well... once and a while he'd send us some money. When mother died he married this potato... at the age of 68. She must be in her dotage by now. His bank in Caracas had to write me to tell me that he'd died. So now what does this old fossil want of me? What right does she have to inflict herself on me? I'll bet she's coming her to get a loan or have us feed her until she croaks. Yeah, a grandmother is all we're missing here, what with Celeste bossing us around. Listen to this little ingrate, who's nose I blew until a week ago. Let's not squabble. Let's think about grandmother. We need the storage space in our guest room, so we'll tell her that we have no room. I'll rent her a room - or better a suite - rather than have her around me. Alright, but you still have to meet her at the airport. Well, I can't this morning. I'm supposed to be at the factory right now. The hotel chain wants us to furnish glassware, and we're closing the deal this morning. Let's send Giorgio to meet her. But my band - we're supposed to audition today for the rock festival. It's a big show. You and that guitar. You might at least have been in an orchestra or played something better. But don't think I can go, trying to take care of this house with three men as messy as you are. Why can't we send Carletto? Carletto, you've no objection to meeting your South American grandmother, do you? Here's some money, Carletto. Hire a taxi... and put her up at the Astor. I'll make the reservation. Tell her the house is a mess. That we're having the walls painted. This says meet her at noon. - So long, kids. - Bye... And you be careful on the highway. Well this ball-buster is all I needed... "Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk." "Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk." "Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk." Senora Persiquetti? Are you Marianna? Marijuana? I do not smoke marijuana! Sir, the lady whom you paged has arrived. She's waiting at the information counter. There... she said that's her name. I'm Marianna Persiquetti. And you? Carlo Persiquetti... Carletto. Are you really... truly... my grandmother? Yes, it's true... your granny. Well, can we get moving? Did you come in a car? No, we're taking a taxi. Tell me something, what does it mean when they say to you to go... bo.. topo... - Go-go topless? - Yes. It's a compliment that means... "beautiful girl." What a marvelous country! In Italy the men who carry your luggage are so gallant. Splendid! Next time you want to say "go-go topless", say it to your own grandmother. Excuse me, I didn't know the lady could understand what I said. But why should I say it to my grandmother? That's my grandmother. Well she's "go-go topless" to me. My heavens, that boy's late. What possessed you to send a mere child, when anything could have gone wrong? Stop this sniveling like the mother of a 12-year-old. There you go with your usual thanks. Who's been doing everything like your own mother for you and Carlo? Oh, Celeste... Carletto's a young man. It's time you realized that. There he is at the front door. Finally. Carletto, we've been worried about you. Now, Carletto... tell us what she's like. That was a chore, papa. Granny's a monster. An old battle-axe. I have to buy her lunch, so I need some more cash. She's afraid of being left alone. She wanted to live here with us, but I talked her out of it. It took a lot of effort, too. But why should you waste your lunch when I've fixed you tortellini? I've got to eat with granny. Come on papa... shell out! Or I'll bring her to the house. Oh no you don't. But how did you already spend all I gave you this morning? I have a lot to talk about with granny, so don't worry if I'm late. But, Carletto... Come in. Just a moment, I'm in the bathtub. Who is it? Your grandson, Carletto. Ah, it's you, Carletto. Would you do me a favor? Please bring me the little blue jar in my make-up case. Sure, granny. Uhhh... this one, granny? Yes. Why don't you go sit down? I'll be with you in a minute. Excuse me, Carletto. For what? The pretty flowers! How thoughtful. Who's been so nice? I was... because it was my good luck... I mean pleasure, to meet you first. Thank you. Granny, there isn't much time to dress before lunch. Don't make me feel old by saying, "Granny." Call me Marianna. Are we lunching at your house? Oh, no... the painters are out there. I told you. Lots of people. We'll go to a nice restaurant, okay? Do we join your brother and father there? My father's busy every day. So's Giorgio. That's fine. Just you and me at the restaurant, then. - Sorry. - That's alright. I like the little car. It's fun to ride in. Yes. It's a new model. You don't need to have a license. I got it on approval. I hope papa will buy it. The speciality here is seafood. It's my favorite treat. You must have guessed it. The tables are better back here. So's the view. Smell the salt spray. I can't control my appetite. There's a table by the window. - Please. - Thank you. - Waiter. - Yes sir. - May I take your order? - You suggest something. What are the specialties here today? Most people want the chowder. I recommend our cockels ala marina, or bucatini sailor-style. What's bucatini? Oh... something like spaghetti, with a hole in the center. And this, this ... cocks marine-style? Oooo... what an idea, lady. And, uh... to drink. Chianti rose if you have it. Best in the house. What's wrong with the waiter? I'll explain it afterwards. That'll be fine. Hey... what a view. Want to change places? Yeah... with that boy. Here's your bucatini, ma'am. Piping hot. Thank you. That'll be all, thanks. Excuse me, ma'am, but if you'd like to avoid the whistle... There's no reason to explain it to the lady. She knows very well how to manage bucatini. But... she enjoys having it whistle. What's wrong with that? Nothing. She can whistle whenever she wants. Thank you. Take a look at what Carletto's picked up. - Hi, everyone. - Hi. Hi. Hi, Carletto. Sorry, I'll have to skip practice. I have more important things than working out to keep me busy. What does he mean, "Skip practice"? Sports. Have fun, kids. - Bye. - Bye... have fun. - That outfit's an original. - What about that hat? What's the matter, Marinela? What's the matter? First of all, she's madly in love with Carletto. Second, he made her fall so hard on her little behind that the windows are still rattling. Celeste, you sound like the brakes on my scooter. So where are you off to in Giorgio's suit and that stuff in your hair? That's none of your business! It's my business is to keep your father from getting worried. I should know what to say when I'm asked where you are. Just say I went to take out my old granny. That's what he ordered me to do, right? Right. Carletto... Your order of two whiskeys, sir. Have you put it in soda? No, sir. But I put in some bicarbonate - that's considered modern. Fine, thanks. You're welcome. - Drink up. - Thanks. To the youngest grandmother. The most dazzling, most gorgeous, most fascinating, most... most most revealing grandmother. Really, Carletto. You have said so before... three times. Have I? May we dance? Sure, sure. You're tired? I'm not tired. What are you dancing? Oh... it's a modern dance. Is that better? Great. Lower it, though. I'd give it more bass. That way it's more sexy. Here, give it to me... Oh... play outside! Marinella, I'd prefer it without ping-pong as an accompanyment. What your music needs is ping-pong. And this is a tennis club, not a nightclub. Get Marinella worked up about her Carletto, and pop go the fireworks! Pop goes Carletto... he came to club last night with his bird-of-paradise and she even got him plastered. Carletto? Are you sure? Yeah... everybody saw them. And I swear - she could pose for a centerfold any day. Why that smartass... Praise God! What delicious sausages. Cured in the country? No... cured at a meat-packing plant. I have to flavor my French stew with them. Saint Benedict would say, "A labor of love." But with Carletto, his labor is sports. He missed his tutoring session today. His grandmother's here, that's why. I don't envy what he's doing, either. Helping some old lady around. I'm glad. It's good to open up to others but not for someone who's study habits are so poorly developed. Who's that at the door? Hello. What do you want at this hour? Hello, I have to speak to Carletto. May I? You could, except he's snoring in his bedroom. He was out all night. And what a night. After the cramps and vomiting, he's got a head like an atom bomb. I'll let you take another Alka Seltzer up to him. Come along. Good morning, Friar Domenico. Good morning to you, Marinella. It's fortunate that you're here. Would you please review our lessons with Carletto? Because unfortunately for him, he's very busy with his grandmother. Yes, I know... Here you are. Make sure he swallows it all. And give him a shove to get him moving. Friar Domenico, I told you these sausages are for my French stew! Celeste, one sip is all I need to help me swallow. Some wine would do... there's one bite caught in my throat. Here's your wine... red, at room temperature. Thank you. You said one sip, not all you could drink! Who's that? It's Marinella. You even bust my balls at home! Get out... Look, I brought you an Alka-Seltzer. Don't yell at me. You should pay for it, the morning after you've been drinking all night. I'm paying... by having you here. I came by to see why you never come to school. I'm not a schoolboy any more. I'm not kidding, I prefer to be with grown women. You always have me. You can order me to do whatever you want. Really? Whatever I want? No matter what? Yes... anything. If you want it. Alright. Fix my sheets. They're all crooked and knotted around my body. I'll be glad to. Don't feel me up! Why... the very idea! Is that better? Pull harder... or the knots won't straighten out. I was straightening the sheets for him. You, Marinella, have a date with me tomorrow in the confessional. - But I wasn't... - Silence! And you, Carletto, no wild behavior, unless you want me to give you a real split head. Here's everything we're currently producing. Our formula combines silica sand with lead oxide to make our glass more brilliant. Most interesting. General. Yes? Your secretary. Yes, my dear? They telephoned to say your bank received the payment in francs and they want to know in which account to make the deposit. Deposit it in account B... B. Very well. It looks like the General is surrounded by pretty young ladies. And what good taste he has. My dear sirs, at my age? Apparently, the blood will tell. The General's son had a real bombshell at the restaurant and the nightclub yesterday. That's Giorgio, up to his ears in pretty ladies. Not Giorgio... his younger brother. What's that kid's name? Carletto. No, it couldn't possibly be... Papa... papa... wake up! Wake up! What time is it? It's just 7:00. Where the devil are you off to at this hour? I'm taking grandmother on a tour today. And I'm out of money. Out of money? I'd like to know what you blow it on. To me it looks like you're supporting a lady the French call "an expensive bird". Granny's the expense. What you're putting out is in your best interest. I'm doing all the work, papa. You can hang onto your money, and I'll bring her around for you to take care of. Now don't exaggerate. Thanks, papa... Carletto... at least let me know how much you took. He knows how much I'd pay to get rid of her. But if I catch some hooker with her hands on that kid... I'll take her. Here's what you see from the Tower of Pisa. It started leaning in the marshy ground while they were building it. Will it lose its balance? No, no... look at the dome from here. Now over here we see the cathedral dome and the baptistry, and into the cemetary, too and all the famous frescos by... I've forgotten who. And this is the prettiest view of Pisa. Hey, viva the Tower of Pisa that's leaning and leaning and never goes down. How come you know that song? I learned it from your grandfather. He showed me Pisa in the photos he took long ago. Finally seeing it all from the tower was an experience that's almost too thrilling. - What you need is a martini. - Okay. Two martinis, please. Two martinis... If we could only get moving ten minutes sooner. - Isn't she a terrific looking bimbo? - Who do you mean? The brunette. There with your brother. Look at her. - I'll go and lift his girlfriend. - Watch this... - Sure... and our two martinis? - Right away. Two red vermouth martinis. That's not what I wanted. But Carletto, I really don't mind red vermouth. - Cheers. - Cheers. Hi, Carletto! I was wondering why you'd dropped out of circulation recently. To be sure there was no competition with this model. Now I understand. How fascinating. It's seldom I get emotional in front of a pretty girl. With you I'm in danger of fainting. I'm his brother, Giorgio. So while you said you were our old grandmother's companion, instead you took this angel in her place. I am your grandmother. You're our grandmother? You shouldn't keep it a secret. I didn't. But who'd ever dream of having a granny so... so... Pretty. Yes... Grandmother! Now why doesn't grandmother live in our house with us? Because... because there still isn't a room ready. Right... but we can move in together. We can easily fit another bed in my room. - Grandmother can use your room. - No thanks... I don't want to embarrass or inconvenience... Don't worry. Just pack your bags and send them to the house. Papa will settle all the rest. You'll have to tell papa, Carletto. I have to see a manager and sign a contract. This is the first real one our band's got. Oh? You play in an orchestra? Oh sure... a great guitar. Ahhh... the guitar... I love the guitar. Giorgio... it's getting late. Hey... they want you. Well, see you tomorrow. Ahhh... I smell the aroma of seafood. That's enough to whet my appetite. - It'll taste even better. - It was worth it to drive a bit further. - How are you, Angelo? - Good afternoon, General, I'll be with you in a second. - Table for three. - Right away, General. - What dish can we prepare, sir? - What's especially good today? It's cooked in the Dutch oven that they bring to the table. We eat from the same pot we cook in. In Spanish, we call that bote jar de un. Don't ever say that. Around here, that doesn't refer to cooking. What is it? You look embarrassed. Here. Think of the male organ as a... There's your prodigal son with his fabulous firebird. Aren't you his father, General? It's Carletto. So this is the fish you're buying with my money? I think you'd pick better providers than teenagers. Do you realize there's a law against corrupting minors? I don't understand... Oh, you're playing dumb? Was he explaining how he hits a baseball with this bit of play-acting? So what business is this of yours? I don't like to be questioned. Then you'd better lie low. You better leave, or you'll be doing time. But papa... that's grandmother. Honest, it is. Show some respect. - What? - That's grandmother... your mother. Everything's ready, Friar Domenico, so come along. I've plenty of coffee for you. It's a gift, the way you always know when to show up. Now let's see. I've got everything... The spoons... You're preparing quite a breakfast. Do you have company coming? Yes. The General's mother left the hotel. She'll be a house guest for a while. Much better. Now Carletto might feel like coming to school, praise the Lord. I never saw this here before. What is it? A special jam. The general went to a lot of trouble to get it. - Why, it's membrillo! - What's that? A kind of Spanish jelly... made with sugar cane. The most important sweet in all South America. Exquisite tasting... exquisite! Yes. The General is always thoughtful. It's to welcome his mother. His welcome is very considerate. But momma must be very old and demanding? No. She's spritely, pleasant, amusing. But you'll see for yourself. And take care you don't let your tongue run away. Maybe you're used to having breakfast in your room, but here you'll have to adjust to our routine. Otherwise we won't be able to enjoy your company. - That's right, papa. - That's right, papa. Good morning to all. Good morning, Friar Domenico. This is my mother, my momma. She's from Venezuela. [It's lovely to meet you.] [Never in my imagination did I expect to meet someone so graceous and beautiful.] [You speak so well. Where did you learn to speak Castilliano? ] In your land. While I was a missionary in the Amazon jungle, I learned Spanish and some Indian words... We must have many conversations while you're here with us. In case you decide to make your home in Italy you won't get homesick if we talk together in your language. - Momma, please be seated. - Yes. Excuse me. Thank you. Pour the coffee, Celeste. Is the Amazon jungle as brutal as they say? Not when you're assimilated. I spent the happiest years of my life with Indios who behaved as if I were one, too. My friends wanted to find me a wife. Imagine that! Believe it or not, they brought in a little bird-like creature 13 years of age. And you refused her? That's Friar Domenico's secret, momma. Well, children, I have to leave. I have to be very punctual at the plant today. Goodbye. Perfume delicious as you are, momma. Oh, by the way. I bought the membrillo, especially for you. Thank you. That was so thoughtful. In Brazil, I also lived with the headhunters, you know. It was near Garimpo, an outpost where you run into the worst sort of outcasts. They say spirados... Friar Domenico... you mustn't forget. The reason you came here was to teach Carletto. - You'd better begin. - Carletto is eating. Have patience. No. I've finished. We can start. I must ask your indulgence... other duties summon. Excuse me. What chapter did we leave off on? Well? Are you hypnotized? - Why don't we play the guitar? - Yes. Let's... - What would you like to hear? - Something marvelous. She'll change her tune when she hears how he plays. Marvelous... - Now you play. - Yes? Here's how you place your right hand. Hold it tight against your... breast. Now, pluck the strings... softly. Really... a guitar is something like a girl. To produce the right playing conditions, you must treat it with great delicacy. Only if it's touched gently will it play... Shame on you! Do you always have to hound me? Run along, kid. No! - Hello. - Hello, Giorgio. - All the courts are taken. - That's no matter. I was looking for the masseur, but he's not around. I wanted him to warm up my leg muscles. I can do that. I use a light touch. Very good. If you like. Planning on playing without your racket? So I forgot it. Really... a girl is something like a guitar. To produce the right playing conditions, you must treat her with great delicacy. Giorgio, get it straight. The other day it was a guitar that had to be treated like a girl. What's with you? Everyone here? Hello, papa. Chocolate candy. Chocolatinos... To eat while I'm changing my clothes. You've attracted another one. Like bees to honey. Carletto. Would you like to warm up my leg muscles? I'm afraid that's Giorgio's line. Ask for an appointment. Would you like some chocolate candy? Boys these days are something else, hmmm? Here we are. The more oxygen we have, the better. It's clean air for me. Oh Pino, it's fantastic! You're in great shape for your age. It took some effort, because middle-age is fattening. When is that court free? It should be in about 30 minutes, papa. That leaves time to have a drink. A bottle of orange-aid, please. You'd better pay more attention to your dear old granny. Women give in to your brother every time. Now this one, again. Please. Better have a stiff one. Of course I should get more exercise. I don't have much time. I have to work. - Your legs are in good shape. - Well, I've always ridden horses. - Riding horses is good for you. - I must say, I miss it. - You have a court. - Thanks, Giorgio... let's go. This time you and papa play. - Thank you, Giorgio. That's most considerate. - So long... That's no way to treat a tennis racket. It's not a guitar. I hope I didn't frighten you. Why? I'm not frightened at all. What do you want? I want you to forgive my rudeness at the tennis... You came here in your pajamas to say you're sorry? Tomorrow would have been too late? If I hadn't come... I wouldn't have been able to sleep all night. Since this morning at the tennis court... Since I massaged your leg muscles, I've been under your spell. - Is that so? - Yeah, and you know it, too. Alright... then it'd better if you stopped massaging my leg. I can't... and you want it. I know you want me to. - What makes you so sure? - I know the signs. - Stop it! Giorgio... - You want me, too. You're mine, granny! The little rat... There was no one in the hall. It was the phantom who protects me. - Good night. - Good night. Stop faking. Ow! Giorgio... what's wrong? Why are you hitting me? What have I done? Stop it! So, you're sleep-walking? Don't try and kid me! Take that! Stop making all this racket. What on earth is the matter with you? Stop it this minute before your father gives you a beating. I had to hit Carletto because he was sleep-walking. It was his own fault if he got hurt. But it can be dangerous to wake a sleep-walker. Many others are sleep-walking here. Not just Carletto. I hear mysterious door-openers and slammers in the hallways, and having showers every night. What's going on here? It's nothing serious. I'm sorry you were awakened. You'd better go back to sleep now. And lock your door. Take my word for it very strange ghosts or sleep-walkers are wandering the halls. - Good night. - Good night. Now you brats, get in your beds. You'll both be in the soup if this happens tomorrow night. Well, I must say... The General is sleeping late today. When he comes, he'll blame me if his coffee's cold. What was that nonsense? Here I am. Hey, papa... are you going in for riding now? Knowing how fond you are of riding, I bought two horses so we could go for a gallop together. Marvelous! Wait a moment while I go put some pants on. General, what a picture! Handsome as a model in a magazine ad. Ah... you're still wearing the tag. Would you like some sugar? Here I am, Mr. Horseman... all ready. Oh, they're beautiful. How can I thank you? - They're splendid! I'll ride this one. - Fine. Oh, no, no, no... let me hand you up. You've forgotten, papa... horse manure is supposed to be lucky. What's wrong? I'd don't know. The nag won't budge, curse him. Let's stop here for a bit, so the horses can rest. - Are you happy? - How kind of you. I'm overjoyed. Thank you. When I saw the horses I almost cried. My only thought is to find more ways to please you. A son's devotion. My affection for you isn't merely as a stepmother. Let's continue our ride. But how can a horse be rested in two minutes? Carletto? Looking for me? Yeah... if you weren't asleep, I wanted my things. The stuff I need to play baseball. We're practicing tomorrow. I see. Well, come in and get them. Come in... Well... what are you waiting for? Is there anything else you wanted? No. Then, good night. Good night, Carletto. Stubborn prick, aren't you? Let's face it, nothing is going to happen. Just leave me alone, and stop making things difficult. Look... if you keep it up and don't go back to sleep, I'll have to slap you into shape. Come on, Carletto. Are you coming out of there, or not? As soon as I fasten my pants. Sorry, but I've been constipated. - Is it better now? - Yes, I feel better. Good night, papa. Watch out... this is the furnace with the molten glass. - The finished items are taken over here. - Good morning, General. Now, over here... We're at full capacity, thank the Lord. But with renovations, I could triple our income. With a mechanized operation, I'd be able to produce more, and in better time, too. That's the most beautiful doll I ever saw. If she's a new secretary, I'm asking for a transfer to a typing job. Yeah, but if she belongs to the boss, his office staff is a closed shop. - Not for you or me. - Let's call a strike. Now we're leaving the sample display, and entering the administration section. My secretary... Pleased to see you. And our accountant, Dan Mikhalis. Meet... my mother. So sorry, General. A great honor. My pleasure... Let's keep going... Here, we have my office. Make yourself at home. Sit down, please. Ahhh... the sun is hurting your eyes? This window could give us a sunstroke. Now, after the heat of the factory, I have a light aperitif for you. Tequila? You must have known what I'm used to. I have second-sight, you know. Enough. And you said you had a very personal and private subject to discuss with me? Marianna... even your very name disturbs and intoxicates me like a drug. Sitting beside you makes my blood boil like lava. The very sight of you is as scorching as a fire. The thought of wanting you drives me out of my mind. I'm going crazy! But, Pino, what you want is forbidden. It's incestuous. I was married to your father. I'm your mother. Mother? What mother? What's incestuous? You're just a beautiful woman. You've driven me insane since you came into my home. Once and for all, I've got to have you! That's dreadful. Right here in your office... My office? On the couch... on the carpet right here! Choose wherever you like! It's not like I'd be screwing the furniture. I'd be screwing you. Yes? Look... I told you I didn't want to be disturbed for at least an hour! You got that! Finally, you've fallen into my ambush. In the wolf's den. My den. Why are you laughing? Are you hysterical? No... I thought I'd have a little fun while I was in Italy. In every sense. I never thought I'd find so much fun... especially in my husband's family. But I confess, it now has me quite perplexed. I've been able to respect the memory of your father. He married me because I took care of him during the last year of his life. Your poor father died on our wedding night. God be with him. As a young widow, I certainly won't reject loving again. It's important. But not yet. Look... I told you not to bother me. I'm still discussing an important estimate. But General, it's a long-distance call from London. Colonel Whitbread urgently wants to speak with you. He says it's extremely important. So help me, if it's not really urgent, I'll choke her. Why, anything's possible. It's not possible here, because... But Marianna, wait until tonight. No one will save you then. I don't give a damn what this Whitbread said. You do what I say from now on, or else... Here you are... Who cooked this Venezuelan dish? It's my cooking, but it was the General's idea. He phoned the Venezuelan embassy in Rome to have their cook tell me how to prepare it. Oh, but there's more to it than that. With pagrita you want these little chills and tobasco. So we'll all get peppered up tonight. Thank you, Pino. Your second-sight goes right on working, doesn't it? . Will you serve? Oh... how marvelous it is. With pagrita you also want some wine. Here we are. - Some wine for momma. - Italian wine will go nicely. Well, Carletto... no appetite? If we weren't at the table, I'd tell you what this mess looks like to me. - But try just a little bit. - Okay. Do you like it, Giorgio? It's good. It's really great. I'd like to find out what some other Venezuelan specialties taste like. Here's a specialty of Chile and Peru. One apiece - come on. These are very hot... Celeste! Celeste! Water! There'll be an effect, after eating chilis. I hope so. That's why I bought them. Jeez... that was hot as a pistol! Perhaps hot for those who like it. What proper dish requires so much spice be added to the recipe? It'll just burn their asses. Don't worry. Yes... if that's all it will do. - No... give me a little more coffee, please. - But General, too much coffee will keep you awake. I'll have to stay awake. I'm meeting our accountant, Dan Mikhalis, at 9:30. We have to fill out my tax form. - Would you care for some? - No... none for me. - Why not? - I want to turn in now. I'm going to bed. - Good night, all. - Good night, Carletto. Pleasant dreams. - You want a little? - Sure. - Not too much. - It's after 9:00. Time for me to run along. Ah... General. Shall I wait up until you return? No, no, no... you go to bed. I may be very late. Very late. Would you like to hear a piece I wrote for guitar, and tell me what you think about it? Alright. Let's listen to the composer perform. I call it "Night in Caracas" in your honor. Come on. I'll play it for you. I didn't count on Giorgio playing the guitar. - Well... have I really inspired you? - You bet. Listen. When the others are sleeping later on, I want to come to your room. A night of love. Precisely. - Who is it? - It's Pino, let me in. There was that minstrel. That minstrel who never stops playing his guitar. But why do you have a dress on? Come on, darling, take it off. You perfume fills the air. I may faint. It recalls the Caribbean breeze... the Caribbean trees... the Caribbean coconuts. - Who's that? - I can't imagine. It's me, Giorgio. Let me in. What's he here for? Tell him you're not in. I can't say that. Giorgio is frantic right now, whatever it is. Hide in the wardrobe there behind you. - Like a pair of shoes? - It's better. - What do you mean, better? - You must hide... quick... get in. - Get in there. - It's embarrassing. Got my hand caught. What are you waiting for? Marianna... I can't hold it back. That spicey dinner of papa's has given me the hots for you. Giorgio... you shouldn't think of such a thing! After all, I'm your grandmother. I don't give a damn. I've got to have you! Wait. Some food only tastes good after it cools down. Then we can enjoy the flavor together. That's wrong. The proof of the pudding is in the eating... when it's hot! Hello? Excuse me, Cesleste, this is Dan Mikhalis, the accountant. Why are you calling so late? There's nothing wrong with the General, is there? No... it's because I was asked to call. Miss Marianna asked me to call at 12:05. The General's mother? But aren't you and the General working late? He left for the office around 9:00. He said he had to work on his tax return. We've paid those taxes. I haven't been out of the house all evening, and I need to get back to bed. Never mind... and thanks, good night. - My God... what if they heard me? - I'll be ruined. I know it's Carletto. I'll split his skull. - Miss Marianna? - Yes? - Why, it's Celeste. - May I come in, Mrs. Persiquetti? There's something strange going on, and I'm worried. - One moment, please. - But she'll find out that I'm here. - Hide in the wardrobe. - The wardrobe? Just for a moment. Get inside. Go on. Go on. Yes, I'm coming. I'm sorry to disturb you... Who are you? I'll break your damn neck. Papa! What are you doing in here? I'm waiting for a houseboat. I might ask what are you doing in here? Oh, I'm waiting for the same houseboat. Giorgio... you can come out now. - And you too, Pino. - It won't open. I was locked in your safe. What a cute trick to play on father. It's so long since we had a reunion. Yeah... what a way to hold a family reunion. Right! If only Carletto had come we'd have the whole team. He must've climbed that wardrobe. Well then... that course in Alpine climbing finally came in useful. There's no need to rub my face in it. You might've hidden such goings on. You don't care how cruel my life is here. I've kept silent, made excuses, been faithful... Always ready to do anything you desired. The only thing that made up for the suffering was being able to raise your motherless children. And as long as it was just your secretary at the office, ...I didn't say anything, even though I was mortified. But now you want to keep a woman in the house. Your excuse is she's their stepmother. I say no. No! It's the last straw. It's too monstrous... that's all I have to say. No don't cry. Don't feel this way. Listen, I'll explain. Do you know how much my father left the pretty widow Persiquetti? The inheritance was the better part of three million. That's what. The only reason I was so nice is that she came to invest that money. I know. I might've gone to my lawyers and had them sue for what was owed me. Part of that money belonged to me, by rights. But trying the case in Venezuela would cost a bundle. No, I don't want a lawsuit. On the other hand, she seems to agree with all my plans. - She likes Italian business. - Yes. And she likes Italians. Are you talking about me? Pino. Oh, Pino, forgive me. You see, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. You poor, innocent darling. Excuse me. I'm sorry, but can you just tell me if what she's got is better than this? Those two are just like hers... it's true. - You're joking around, again. - I'm not joking. - You'd like to slap me now. - That's not what I'd like at all. Not at all. Come on, Giorgio. The sooner we start, the sooner we get back. Is this trip necessary, or just a convenient excuse? But I told you, it's for some evidence she needs to have notarized at her place of birth. We employ her now, so we have to report what she's paid. You might've taken Carletto. But that boy's still underage. Come on. Stop arguing. Age-wise he's a minor... but otherwise he's a man. There. I ask one favor and you see how he acts. Some favor. A two-day drive, and a night away from home. Come on, come on. The more distractions we have, the better. The atmosphere around here is so glum. Carletto! Carletto! Celeste! Isn't anyone home? Carletto! Celeste. Hi, Carletto. What a time to come torture me! What do you want? Have you forgotten I'm supposed to help you study for the exams? Look, I study when I want to. But not today. Because I've got a date. Want a hand? Why? Do you know how to make a bed? I can do more things than most people think. I see. Excuse me. Listen, Carletto. If I don't get some lunch ready now we won't have anything to eat. You finish making the bed, then. Thanks! - Want a cigarette? - No, no... I'm in training. You've dropped some ashes. Celeste. Is anybody home? Carletto? Who's here? Hello, Carletto... What's wrong, Friar Domenico? You're not relaxing post-prandium? What awful pronunciation, Carletto. You'd test the patience of saint. I'm in despair of your Latin. Molto male. Molto male. Sorry. I only meant to say, why are you here at this time of day? Carletto, that means you don't remember our lesson. Couldn't we skip it today? I've got such a bad headache. But Celeste, the General, Giorgio... where did they go? They went somewhere to get something notarized. Grandmother and I have just finished lunch. Perhaps there's some dessert? - Good day, Friar Domenico. - [I didn't mean to bother you, madam.] - [You're not bothering me at all, Father.] - Thank you. Friar Domenico, maybe we should skip the lesson. I can't possibly learn anything with this headache. But you could if there were an aspirin in the house. Yes, there is. While I was cooking, I saw some in the kitchen. I'll get one for you. Carletto... come along. Let's start the lesson. Work, work... Even with all our tutoring, you still make such basic mistakes. - The aspirin ruined me, Friar Domenico. - You feel ruined only when it's convenient. You'd better leave, Father. Otherwise you'll be caught in the storm. There you are right. Let's hope you'll be more proficient during our next lesson. ...it's called 'phallus carchesa'. What does that mean? It means your head is like a... never mind, I've explained enough for today. Although whoever said it also knows his onions. Are you going somewhere, granny? I thought I'd take a walk. But because of the storm, I'd better not go. Well, I'm going to leave before I'm caught in the downpour. - Goodbye, madam. - Goodbye, Father. - Bye, Carletto. - Goodbye, father. Thank you, Carletto. You're welcome. Want to see what's on tv? Is there anything interesting? What's that? Mother of God! Don't be afraid. The power always goes out when there's a storm. I'll go light some candles. You gave me a scare. These storms are very dangerous. Why no, there's nothing to be afraid of. Marianna? Marianna? So you want to play? I'm warning you. If I catch you, you'll pay a penalty. Marianna where are you? Where are you, grandmother? - Now you must pay a penalty. - What must I do? Let me kiss you. - Carletto. Carletto... - Yes... again, again! No, no... the telephone's ringing. Answer it. Damn telephone... Hello, who is this? Sondra, don't waste me time... I'm freezing here! Come on, calm down. You're not making any sense... What? When? That stupid kid. I'll be right there! - They say she swallowed 50 pills. - If that were true, she'd be dead. No, not 50. I heard it was 10. - Here's Carletto. - Where is she? Down the hall. She's in room 23. The way you affect these girls, Carletto... Marinella... it's alright, dear. - Who'd have imagined... - One moment, close the door! Now you can go in. - Why, dumbass? - For love... Love... for me? But why? How is she? Thank the Lord, she's recovering. She only took 3 or 4 pills. They pumped her stomach, and the doctor says I can take her home. And when I get her home... - May I visit with Marinella privately? - Certainly. You too, Carletto. - You mean I have to leave? - Yes. What you've done is dreadful, Marinella. Especially since you have just reached the point in life where you'll experience love. Love as a woman. You're a stubborn person. You shouldn't give up without a fight. Only a fool surrenders because things don't come easily. Never be afraid of life, no matter how discouraging things seem. Don't let it beat you. You need to take stock of yourself as a woman. You should try a new hair style that is more becoming. Some clothes that make you appear more feminine. Carletto... is finished with those other lessons. And a young woman must make herself very attractive, so that young man will notice her. "Attention please, passengers on British Airways flight 361 for London, with connections for Lisbon and Caracas may now board at gate number 4." Goodbye, Pino. I am looking forward to sharing in your business activites. I'll make the arrangements... I promise. Goodbye, Giorgio. Maybe one trophy has escaped your collection. - Well... - But you won't miss it. - Goodbye, Marianna. - Goodbye, Celeste. But no more experiments in South American cooking. The effect is overpowering. I expect, the next time I visit, to find the two of you married. - Goodbye... - Goodbye, and thank you. Carletto... Goodbye, Carletto. Thank you, grandmother. - Wait for us. - Just a minute... Here we are. Here we are. - Do I look alright? - Just delicious. - I brought flowers as my thank you. - Thank you. I can't thank you enough. And when you're in the skies of Venezuela, over the great Amazon jungle, will think of me? Goodbye, my dear. And don't forget this poor friar. - That's you, granny. - Last call. Time to board the plane. Well, that number will always be "go-go topless" to me. Oh, oh, Alan! Pete! Alan! -Alan, look! - What's the matter? [ Stammers ] A flying reptile. - A what? - A flying reptile. Oh, I think it sees us. - I don't believe it. - Well, what do you know. - Are you frightened? - What, seeing a man fly? A man? Oh. [ Laughs ] Humans can't fly. Yeah, it's some sort of a homemade glider contraption. - Yeah. - Uh-oh. Get down! [ Grunting ] [ Crash ] Get outta here. We gotta get there first. A flying human, they'll kill him. Come on. Pete, Galen, I found him. Over here. Let me help you there. Are you hurt? Oh, no. - Are you all right? - Yeah, better. Oh, you see, that gust of wind-- that gust of wind on that side, I should put my weight on that side. Well, it's not that simple. Your design's wrong. Oh, sure, sure, I can correct. You see if I-- No, never mind. You wouldn't understand. Alan, those troopers spotted you. Come on. This way. He got away, but we have the thing that flies. Yeah, well, it's very impressive. You see, it will work. Leuric, you got your glider up in the air, but it's a wonder you weren't killed. You have a superstitious fear of flying. I've got a lot of fears, but that's not one of them. - I guarantee you'll kill yourself. - Now how do you know? Oh, believe me, they know. It's impossible. No one has ever flown. I'm the first. How could they know anything about it? Leuric, listen. What you've invented... is a kind of a glider, which is a remarkable achievement. But it's a dead end. Where do you go with it? - Up into the sky. - For what? Put that same thought and energy into something that can be useful for you. Yeah, invent a new kind of plow or something. I will fly! I will do what no human be-- Trying to steal my idea so you can take the credit. We're not trying to steal anything. We're trying to help you. Listen, Leuric. If we worked on your glider, taught you safety techniques, got you up there soaring like an eagle, we'd only be setting you up as a target. Some gorilla would see you and pow! I don't care! I have to get on with my work. How long do you think it will be before they find you? They already know that a human has tried to fly. They are not going to stop until they find that human. I won't stop my work. Look, if you have to continue this project, could you do it someplace farther from town where you won't be spotted? There is a place the apes avoid because of superstition, but-- It would take too much time to move my tools and materials. It doesn't matter. We'll move you. Yeah, right. Now let's move this junk to wherever. Well, you're very good to me. I'll show you. Several trips will be necessary. Has this something to do with flying? Oh, no, no. I found it on the beach. A strange rock appeared after lightning struck. The sand must have melted it. A hunk of glass formed. I'll polish it, Galen, and show you what you can do with it. Uh, if you don't mind, Leuric. Uh, if you don't mind, Leuric. Uh-uh. You expect us to believe... a human-- a human flew-- - My troopers saw it! - Something even apes cannot do. Now then, I expect you to believe Konag. My garrison commanders are not in the habit of coming here... to address the council for the purpose of lying. This is very interesting, but it's no more than a toy. Is there any objection to having this human found, killed... and any other such toys destroyed? - No objection. -Zaius, if I might have permission to speak. I'm just a female scientist with none of your wisdom... in dealing with humans, but I merely wonder if this idea... even though stumbled upon by a human, - might not serve us. - Ridiculous! How could a human idea serve us? I don't know, but it's new and unexplored. And what could be lost in further examination? Yes, yes, go on! It's not widely known, but there is reason to believe... that our ancestors knew how to fly. What? There are references-- vague, but strongly suggestive-- in remnants of books, from the old days, before the world was almost destroyed. Perhaps this human learned from some book he found. If he has such a book, it is punishable by death. He could infect the other humans. But, in any case, why bother with something... which is just a worthless toy? I'm sure you're absolutely right, Urko. - [ Grumbles ] - And yet, I wonder... if flying were worthless, would our ancestors have engaged in it? - Hey, hey. How much more? - Hey. Galen and Leuric should be bringing the last of it. How you doing? This is a round stone. It's useless. - There you go. - A little innovation. I think I'm gonna stay here, work on this. I, uh, can't wait to see Galen's face... when he first looks through a magnifying glass. Alan! Pete! They captured Leuric! I watched from my hiding place. There was nothing I could do. They just took him away. Why didn't they just kill him? Well, the only thing I can think of is, uh, they wanna make a spectacle of him. How? Public execution. Bring my baggage. Commander Konag, congratulations on capturing the human. Where is he? In a cell. He's been handled roughly, but he can answer your questions. Oh, I'm sure he'll be much more cooperative thanks to your handling. What's all this? Oh, some things that I use with the human, and the others are my personal comforts, since I'll be staying awhile. Council gave you permission to deal with a human for a short while. And how long is a short while, Konag? Three days? Five? Seven? Nine? We have no guest facilities! This is a troop garrison! I don't mind the inconvenience. This will be perfectly adequate. And, fellow, put those there. Yes, ma'am. These are my quarters! And it's so generous of you, Konag. I shall be sure and tell Urko and the council how very helpful you've been. Now, I shall require a room, and I'm sure you could manage two or three sturdy tables. And, uh, well, beyond that, you just won't even know that I'm here. Thank you so much, Konag. My servants will carry your personal effects out, and I'll question the human shortly. Trooper, I'm Carsia. - You were told to expect me? - Yes. Take me to the human, Leuric. -[ Man Grunts ] - What's that? He's being punished. He doesn't show respect. - [ Groans ] - Next time eat what's given you without complaining. Stand up! Stand up! You're worse than these lower animals. There's nothing worse than strength and authority without intelligence. - Get out of here. - [ Grunts ] I'm so sorry. Apes are not sorry for humans. I'm different from some apes. And I think you're different from most humans. That's why I'm here. Guard, when this man is rested and had his hurts attended to, please bring him to me. And I needn't warn you against the repetition of brutality I just witnessed. Gee, it's a nice carriage. Yeah. - You driving? - Yeah. - All the way from Central City? - I drive Carsia to towns a lot further than this one. - She's a very important ape. - Oh. And you get to ride it, huh? - Yeah. - Gosh, you're lucky. You know, if I was an ape that was as important as-- Carsia-- is that her name? I'd never come to this village. Nothing ever happens here. - Something happened. - What? I don't know. Carsia wouldn't come all this way to talk to a human, unless something important was going on. Oh, yeah. Why did you tell that guard not to beat me? Because there is nothing which can be accomplished by beatings... which cannot be achieved in a more civilized manner. What do you want? I refuse to be questioned by a human for whom I've requested decent treatment. - I'm sorry. - Well, that's the first reasonable thing you've said. And I appreciate what you did. I want to help you, Leuric. I'm a scientist. I'm interested in truth and knowledge. I'm told that you know the secret of flying. Is this true? Yes. Can you prove to me that a human... or an ape could fly? I can prove to you that I can fly. - How? - By flying. - So you say. - No, I have flown. Well, almost, if they hadn't taken my tools and materials from me. If I get out of here, if they don't kill me, I will fly. All right, I will try again. A flying reptile was actually reported as being seen near here, or so I was told. - I don't know anything about flying reptiles. - Or you're not interested. And you're wasting my time. You must have a superior. Where is he? Konag is inspecting the outposts. He'll be back tonight. There must be somebody else. There has got to be somebody besides you. - She's busy. - She? - In a garrison? - Visiting from Central City. From civilization? Ha! I shall wait. Here. Wait outside. Is there anything else you'll need? What else is there to need? I'm not familiar with tools. Some of these were developed by our ancestors. We've since lost the knack of using them. Perhaps because we have humans to do our labors. I'm sure you know how to use them. This does seem an awkward device for driving a nail. It has another use. See? Very good. You're clever with your hands. Just be equally clever with your head... and design a device which will take you high into the sky. [ Sighs ] How much longer... do I have to wait for this female? Hello. I'm Carsia. Oh, hello, indeed. I'm Protus. I am on an archaeological expedition and-- What are you doing in this forsaken place? I'm on an expedition of another sort. How may I help you? You already have... by reviving my confidence... that I am not the only ape on this planet... with interests other than sleeping and eating. [ Laughs ] I, myself, have not found the company very stimulating. Do come in. So, I have been trying to track down this rumor about this flying reptile. Well, I'm glad you did, but it wasn't a reptile. Oh, I know. The guard told me. And a flying human, I mean, that is-- that's much more of a curiosity. I'll know in a few days whether or not the human can fly. Oh, I would love to see such a thing. Well, stay. I'd be delighted to have you present at the demonstration. - You are kind. - [ Chuckles ] Well, I'm not quite sure that's the right word for me. - Charming. - Thank you. Well, I'm not asking for compliments, although I do like to hear them. Won't you please sit down? Oh, thank you very much. Oh, you, uh, you don't think that you're kind? Oh, I was really not sure. I think I have other qualities that are more important. Such as? Well, I think it'd be more interesting if you found out for yourself. [ Laughs ] Well, I intend to try. But I very much doubt that I'll find you unkind. I mean, that is very hard to believe. Well, I suppose I could take credit... for saving the life of a human who says he can fly. He's promised to give us a demonstration in five days. If he fails, well-- Well, I hope he succeeds, just so that I can see a human fly. I'm eager too. That's why I decided he should live. Galen, can't Carsia help Leuric, even if his plan is a failure? Well, I can only go on what she's told me. She's very sympathetic. I know she'd want to protect him. Yes, she's that kind of ape. Hey, getting a little hung up there on her, Galen, huh? If you mean what I think you mean, I think you are jumping to premature conclusions. Which may be correct. Hmm. What are we going to do about Leuric? - See that he flies. - A functional glider. We're gonna have to make it for him. Hey, I'm not sure we know enough to make a functional glider out of that junk we got. How you coming ? [ Alan ] Okay, Galen, we're ready for it. Be right there. Ow! Jeez! Careful of this. It is very hot. Right there. Okay, keep it taut. Hold it as tight as we can. Hmm, that's amazing. Boiled tree sap. And corn flour. Hmm. That's the best we could do. It's called glue. - Galen, hold that a second, will you? - I can't. Why not? My fingers are stuck together. Well, uh, what do you think? Yeah, I think it could fly. - With luck. - Oh, I do hope so. It's very exciting. If you think the prospect of flying is exciting, wait till you take off. Oh, I cannot-- Wait a minute. You mean I take off? Oh, thank you very much. This all has been fascinating. - Galen. Galen. - Wait a minute. If you tied me to that thing, screaming and kicking, I would find some way to keep my feet on the ground. It's gotta be tested before we take it apart and get it to Leuric. Yes, and I intend to watch one of you test it, and I shall applaud enthusiastically if you are successful. What would happen if an ape looked up and saw a human flying? Well, he would, uh, shoot the human down. Right. When you're hanging up there on a glider, there are not a lot of places to hide, right? Right. If an ape looked up and saw another ape flying, - he'd get pretty shook up, but he wouldn't shoot. - No. He is not going to get shook up because he is not going to see an ape fly. Galen, you've gotta do it. It's you or it's, alas, poor Leuric. Save your breath. It is out of the question. I refuse! I absolutely put my foot down. Okay, now use your foot to kick up, right? Now brace yourself like I showed you. You ready? - No way. - Good. Let's go. [ Galen ] Aah! Whoo-hoo! [ Laughing ] Easy, Galen. Let the wind do it. You let the wind blow it! [ Muttering ] Whoo-hoo! [ Chittering ] Whoo-hoo! He likes it. [ Chuckles ] Well, Protus, what do you think? Oh, it is marvelous. It's absolutely marvelous. It is hard to believe that one can actually fly. [ Laughs ] Oh, how thrilling that would be. I'll be the first to know when I fly tomorrow. Tomorrow? But that's two days earlier than Carsia said. Ah, yes. Leuric's been working enormously hard. - He's ready before we expected. - How nice. Come, Protus. I've had a new book sent from Central City. I'm sure you'll be interested. Oh, Carsia, I'll be with you in one minute. I do want to take one last look at this marvelous bird. Very well. - " Protus"? - Shh! Never you mind about that. Your glider will not fly. - It will. - It won't. But we have built a glider that will fly. It is being disassembled and being smuggled to you. This will fly, and I will fly it. You will break every bone in your stupid head. Now,you must stall for two days. We can't get it delivered and reassembled in less time. You just want time to steal my idea... - so you can be the first to fly. - Protus. - Coming. - Everything all right, Leuric? Everything is fine. I'll fly tomorrow. [ Scoffs ] This is hopeless. It's absolutely hopeless. I mean, even if we could get it into shape by morning, we couldn't deliver and assemble it in time. We're going about this whole thing the wrong way. The first order of business shouldn't be to deliver a glider that will fly. The first thing we gotta do is to stop a glider that won't fly. Are you ready, Leuric? All ready to move it to the cliff. Oh, I am afraid that Leuric is somewhat single-minded of purpose. It's a characteristic of humans. I was trying to tell him yesterday... that there are other areas of interest in science. - See? - What is that? Ah, this, which is a natural substance, is an unnatural device. Uh, look. I call it an expander. [ Mutters ] See here, it's a fly. Well, that's fascinating, Protus. Leuric, come on. It's your turn. See that? - Ahh. Uh-huh. - Uh-huh. This, it'll expand almost anything. Look. Look, see here. - Oh! - [ Laughs ] Ooh! Here, look see that? There's something over there I want to show you and ask you about. I want- - I want your advice about it. It's, uh, it's right at the end of that table. Over there. Right there. Here. [ Stammers ] Look at this closely. See here? [ Chuckles ] A well-made joint you say, huh? Ah, but can you be sure? How many mechanical failures have been caused... by poorly fitting joints, hmm? Weakened by small flaws that could have been exposed by my expander. Hmm? [ Leuric ] It could help. I take a certain... conceited pleasure... in the way your mind works, Protus. - Conceited? - It is uniquely... penetratingly the mind of a chimpanzee. Oh, don't be modest. After all, are gorillas... or orangutans capable of subtle ideas? Well, you know, I'd never thought of the gorilla... as being subtle. No, they hold higher authority because of brute force... since they lack intelligence. Oh, help! Help! Fire! Oh, what do you think caused it? It's gone, destroyed. Oh. Oh, pity. Oh! Your expander may have uses you never thought of, Protus. Oh, that is amazing. Oh, Carsia, I cannot take credit for this, no. You will be known as the ape... who made fire with an expander. Thank you. Hmm. My flight. [ Carsia ] Oh, no, no, merely delayed. You'll have all the materials you need, and you may start again. Oh, I feel responsible for this. Let me make amends. I have these two servants. They're rascals, both of them, but they are very, very clever with their hands. I will send for them, and they will bring... all the materials they can provide to, uh, put this thing back together again. You two, what do you want? We're the servants of Protus, sir. Yes. More foolishness for that human to make into wings? Yes, sir. All right. Take it in. Thank you, sir. You know, Protus, I like doing things for you. Thank you. - Interesting? - Oh, very. Very! - Galen burnt-- - Shh! Galen burnt the wings, didn't he, deliberately? Leuric, what do you want, an engraved apology? We ruined your stupid glider because you would have broken your stupid neck. - It would have flown. - This one will fly, and you'll be flying it. All you have to do is assemble the pieces. - I don't believe it. - Do you hear this guy? - Alan, what are we doing here? - Spinning our wheels. We should have left you up that tree. We could have let the troopers pick you up when you crashed. Oh, you were very clever. You wanted to find out what I knew about flight first. We risked our necks just so we could take lessons... from wobbling Willy and his wonderful wiggling wings. Let's go. Oh, now wait. Wait! You-You were really trying to help me? - You really want me to fly? - That's right. All right, I believe you. I don't know why you're helping me. I don't know why Carsia is, but I don't care. As long as I get up there just once,just once. I don't care what happens after that. Hmm. Well... that is very, very flattering. Oh, no, not flattery, it's the truth. Every word. Oh, I guess, uh, I am delighted to believe that, uh, chimpanzees are superior to, uh, other apes, seeing I'm a chimp. I don't know, however, that, uh, agreement would be coming so easily from, let's say... a gorilla. [ Chuckles ] Of course not. They haven't the intelligence to recognize the obvious. Well, I suppose, uh, patting oneself on the back could be... considered, uh, harmless and a good form of exercise. I wanted you to read that book. I wanted you to know how we feel. " We"? Who is the head of the council? Zaius, of course. An orangutan. And who is commander of all the security forces? - Urko. - A gorilla. Can you name me one chimp... who occupies a position of top authority? J-Just what are you hinting at? [ Door Opens ] What do you want? I advised Urko of the delay in the flight test. I expected you would. This is Konag, the garrison commander, Protus. Urko believes the human won't fly. I know Urko's views. He's authorized me to execute the human... if the test is delayed beyond tomorrow. And you! You might want to arrange to have your things... taken out by then. A gorilla in a position to give orders to you, to me, to chimps who are far above him in intelligence. He gives orders to chimps, but he shoots humans. What about Leuric? The test has been postponed until tomorrow. There'll be no problems. -[ Knock At Door ] - Come in. Sir, the guard told us to report to you when we were through. Sir, the guard told us to report to you when we were through. A precaution. Oh, of course. Well, are you through? Yes, sir. [ Galen ] Uh, is everything prepared for the flight? - Yes, sir. - Very good. Um-- [ Galen ] Very well,you may go. Sir, I wonder if we could speak to you for a minute, please. I am busy. What is it? Uh, well, there's something I'm trying to remember. We, uh, wanted to talk to you about, sir. Your servants don't seem very bright, Protus. [ Laughs ] They're not. Go. You can come back later if you can remember what it is you wanted. Well, um, I just remembered what it was, sir, we wanted to talk to you about. The last load we brought in, it, um, it wrecked the cart, sir, we want to show it to you. You permit them to bother you with nonsense like this? No. Go! G-Go at once! Yes, sir. [ Scoffs ] I'll teach them some manners. I'll be back in a minute. What's the matter? What do you think's in that box in your girlfriend's room? - What box? - The green one. The one that says "fragmentation cosmoline pack." Oh, yes, I wondered about that, but I didn't want to pry. Fragmentation bombs. Lovely little mama bombs with lots of little baby bombs inside, so when they blow, they really blow, all over the place. They were customarily dropped from airplanes. Right. Now the question arises: What is that cute little chimp that you've been romancing in there.. doing with a case of instant death? Well... now they'll mind their manners. Now tell me-- thank you-- what were we talking about? We were saying the chimps, who are the most intelligent and the best equipped, are not in control of the government and the council. Ah, yes. Yes, that's what we-- Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you, what is this? The answer to some of the questions I've been asking. - Oh. - For instance, why would I waste the time saving the life of a human? Leuric means nothing to me, but if he can teach us to fly-- I-I don't understand. The council chambers are guarded when the council is in session. No one can approach. The same is true of Urko's headquarters. Now, Protus, think. If Urko, his troops and the council were eliminated, who would control the world? There are bombs in this box. To eliminate them. With Leuric's wings, we can swoop down out of the night sky-- in the dark, unseen, unheard. That is why I'm determined to keep him alive, until he can teach us to fly. Do you see, Protus? Oh, yes. Absolutely. It's perfectly clear. - What are you doing here? - We're getting you out. What? Oh, no! - Carsia is using you. - I don't care! Stay away from there! She'll blow up everything if she gets her hands on the glider. There's no time, the guards are coming. - [ Muffled Yelling ] - Take care of the guards. I'll bring him. [ Leuric ] Get away! Get away! [ Indistinct Yelling ] Come on, come on! Now! [ Growling ] [ Galen Laughing ] Come on! - Come on, come on! - [ Gunshots ] There's no chance. Let's go! You chose a human... in preference to me? In preference to what you're planning. Take him away! The test is cancelled. The flight will proceed as scheduled. [ Grunts ] I arranged for the execution of Leuric... and that renegade ape first thing in the morning. I shall look forward to witnessing Protus' execution... after the test flight. No, Leuric will be shot too. There'll be no test. [ Laughs ] A dead man can't operate those wings. One of your troopers will take the human's place. Risk the life of a gorilla in a pointless experiment? Absolutely not! - It's all my fault. - Of course it is. Some humans are much more human than other humans, but you-- you are the most human. - I'm sorry. - A lot of good that does. - How's that feel? - It's numb. You know, even if I get out of here, I won't be able to fly. - It's almost impossible-- - [ Scoffs ] We are facing a firing squad, and all you can do is-- [ Clattering ] [ Door Opens ] I don't care what happens to the human, but I want that flying device returned safely, if, in fact, it can fly. If you're worried about them flying off with it- - Move out! Bring the human here. Look. You have an open area marked off by my troopers. If you fly out of it, you'll be shot down. Are you trying to signal? No, of course he isn't. The poor man is half frightened to death. - He doesn't know how to tell you. - Tell me what? He can't fly with one hand. Look. [ Konag ] Is this true? The test is cancelled. No, I insist the flight go on. And I still refuse to risk the life of an ape. Well, it's no good looking at me. You couldn't force me onto that thing. If I am going to be killed, I demand a decent, proper execution. Huh? Wait a minute. Oh, no, no, no. Now you wait a minute. It is out of the question. It is absolutely ridiculous. Even if I were willing, I tell you, I don't know how to fly. Will the wings support both you and him? Yes, they might. - But no! - Well, Konag, it seems we have solved two problems. I want to see if those wings can carry extra weight, and you want to spare any of your troopers the risk of flying. - But I protest! - If they fall into the sea, they'll drown. It'll be no loss. You will fly. The human will ride along with you to show you how to guide the wings. Oh, Carsia... I knew you were cruel... but I didn't know how cruel. Bring the wings! [ Chuckles ] More fun than the no-hitter I pitched in high school. Ready! I am going to fly! They're flying. I knew it would work. I don't know if I can control it! The wind is so strong! Whoo! [ Galen ] Whoo-hoo! [ Laughing ] Whoo-hoo! I made it happen, what nobody ever did before. You also may be killed the way no one's ever been killed before. Here we go! Where are they going? Flying out to sea. - Fire! - [ Gunshots ] Shoot them down! Both of them! [ Gunshots Continue ] Wait! You may not have to waste your bullets. -[ Gunshots Continue ] - Hold your fire! They're dead... and so is the secret of flight. [ Gasping, Grunting ] For a while, I wasn't sure you would make it. Oh, oh, I wish we hadn't. It flew like a bird. I knew it would. I could have stayed up forever. Oh, please, get me to the shore, quick. No, we can't. We'd be spotted in a minute. Shot on sight. Oh, I can't. I'd rather be... shot. All right, everybody, let's go. Keep your heads down. Try not to splash too much. Oh, please, somebody shoot me! - What's wrong with him? - Ancient human disease-- seasickness. [ Laughs ] THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE (BLONDE IN BLACK LEATHER) LAUNDRETTE They'll... be done in half an hour. 500 lire. But who are you? I was like you once. - A long time ago. - And then? - Eh? - And then? And then... I jumped on the first train. Without money, without any idea where I was going. And away! Free to see the world! Your ticket, Miss. Where are you headed, Miss? - I... free to see the world. - Would Altamura be okay? - I ran away from home. - So? - Just like you. I jumped on the first train and now that we're together, I want to come with you. - With who? - Well... can't we go together, free to see the world? You... come from a little village. I... come from broad horizons! Do you see? No, I guess you don't. A man's destiny depends on me. - Ah, your boyfriend? - Boyfriend... Him... "The man I love". No? Alright then, "boyfriend". Boyfriend... Go on. Now the train, too... Alright, I'll tell you. But if you breath even a word of this, I'm ruined. Shh... I can't tell you the name. On the 16th of this month at 15:30 he will be waiting for me, in a city in the North. And running from grave danger! Only I can save him. And you think that you can come with me? I don't have time to waste! I have to be there when the clock strikes X! Oh, finally! - When the clock strikes X? - Yes, 15:30, like I said. I'm going to the North, too. I'm going to Naples! I have a cousin there who is a businesswoman. Her name's Giuseppina. Get on. We're here. Thank you. You'll be home in an hour. Hey... stay here. So long. "Chewing gum" for your trip? Cigar? Do you think it's a joke? Being free to see the world... A ticket to Bisceglie, please. 400. Thank you. You should thank the Lord I'm in a hurry. Quick, get on. No... No... I told her to get on, not you. - I can't leave you alone for a second. - No, no, you're right! We better stick together! Only until Naples though, okay? Are we clear? - Scary, wasn't it? - No! No? ! The things I do for fun! That was amazing! Did you see the faces on those cops back there? - Cops? What cops? ! - Those! Where? The cops! But I thought you weren't afraid of anyone. Remember, that caution is the first rule of the adventurer. And calm down! And I know what the police are like. That's why... - I remember this one time, across the pond... - Where? - In America, no? - You've been to America too? - Of course I've been to America. Down, near New York. There were 30 of them chasing me, all of them armed... me alone. They were lead by that bastard Inspector Callaghan I think. There are some corrupt folk down there in Alaska... And then? And then... They all lined up in front of me. I didn't move. Then I said: "Well..." - What, aren't you drinking? - Not on an empty stomach. And I'm hungry, too. Can't we get something to eat? - No, that would be a big mistake! - Why? - There's a time for everything. The wine of friendship should not be mixed with anything else! No way! And anyway, that's... vulgar food. Salami and goat's cheese... No, no, what are you doing? You drink like that? Watch me. Of course, if it was vodka... - I remember this one time, in Russia... - You've been to Russia, too? Of course I've been to Russia! I downed three bottles in 20 minutes... of vodka! That's how a free woman drinks, no? And now that you've learned how to drink let's make a toast. To adventure! - And then? - And then we went home. - And what happened, did you marry him? - I shot him. - What an asshole! But then I met him. Him, so handsome! - He called me... that means honey. - Honey, doesn't it seem dark to you? Well... Are you sure this is the right road? The right road? I know the roads of this world like the back of my hand. They're right here! I thought you knew the roads of the world like the back of your hand? Of course, and this road is closed. The things I do for fun! Come on, let's go back. Nothing can stop us, let's go! What's wrong? Something has stopped us. "You cost me a whole lifetime! And I gave it to you for nothing!" "But I have a sick, sick heart! And I know that it will get better!" "Don't say no! Don't say no..." - "I know you love another..." - I'm still hungry, you know. You have all the bourgeois vices, don't you? Hey, look up there! - You see that little light? - Yes, I see it. - That's where we're heading. Farmers, good folk... - Really? - We'll spend the night there! - And will they have something to eat? Of course they'll have something to eat! But we have to make a good impression. Okay? Leave it to me! So, I said: "Everyone against the wall, or else..." They were so scared... Them, 20. Butch and me, 2. We had covered so much land... I came down from the green hills just like a wild horse. The majestic trees were our home. The Savannah, the tiles... It's humid here, isn't it? And then? And then! Butch Cassidy drew his gun and said: - Smells good, did you make it? - Yes! A gunshot pierces the air! - Who was that? - The sheriff! - The sheriff? Alright, where were we? So, Butch... Hey, aren't you... No! No, that's not possible. Have we met before? No? No... Was it in Louisville? No? Because if I wasn't in this nice little house right now full of such tasty food well, I'd surely be standing in front of Pat Garrett himself! Heard of him? No? See, he has the same limpid eyes as you, the same angelic face... What a devil! Me, alone... him too! He says: "This time you're finished!" Me: "Ha-hah!" And in that moment... An avalanche. He says: "What's going on?" He turns, and I steal his gun. So then I say to him: "This time you're finished!" And he says... And in that moment... - A bear. - A bear? - Yes, because we were outside. In America there are bears everywhere, even on the roads. Wow, such amazing times! On one side, Pat. Just like that, where you are now. On the other, the bear. Like that, where the gentleman is now. And there's a ravine here. So I say: "What am I going to do?" - What did you do? - What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Will you people let me breath! These are private memories, you know. I have to take it slow, don't I? So, then... A loud gunshot, right? And it echoes through the valley. So, then... He looks at the bear, I pick up my Colt and take aim. And he was trying to... But I see that... you didn't hear anything about it around these parts. No? I had one hand grenade left. So I grabbed it, and said: "Eat this, Pat Garrett!" "This... Pat Garrett!" What the hell, you can't tell any stories around here! You don't listen! I jumped on my bike and... No, it didn't... No, It didn't start. - This guy always starts, does he? - And then? And then, the things that I'm about to tell you are so terrible that those of a delicate disposition are advised to leave the room. What are they doing? - Through here, please. - Ah, thank you, thank you. See? We made a good impression. - Thank you. - You're welcome. - You're very kind... - Hey, where are you? - I'm here. - And where's the bed? - I don't know, turn the light on. - Where's the light? - I don't see anything. - Have they locked us in? - No, they've locked us out. - Where are we? This is the jungle. - The Savannah... ah, yes, the jungle. Which way home? - There's nobody here. - No. Country people? Hold me! Good... good people? Hospitable farmers? Kind-hearted people? Sons of bitches? - Who's that? - It's me! - Come on. What, are you scared? - No, not me. You should have been there that time I was in the virgin forest... - Don't push! - Sorry, I didn't mean to. You're lucky to still be experiencing the thrill of adventure. - I've had so many adventures that these days I don't feel anything... - I see. There might be murderers around here. - Have you killed anyone? - Me? I'll tell you a secret. I only ever fire blanks. - Even with the bear? - Well, the bear wasn't a bear. It was my friend Cross-eyed Joe, dressed up to confuse our enemies. Of course, if I was alone I'd have jumped up on the table and said: "Nobody move!" - And then I'd have stolen a sausage. - Like these? How did you do that? - While you were talking about Butch... - Smells so good! - ... I took this salami. - Wonderful! - And when you were facing Pat Garrett, I stole this! She took one from my mouth! - And during the shootout with the police, I stole this. - This! What else? - And after the escape from New York... - What did you take? - Some cheese. - But, you're a real thief! - Do you think Butch would be impressed? - Who? ! - Butch. Ah, yes, he'd have said... Yes, yes, how tasty... Wake up! It's morning! What's this? That's first gear... And this? What? That? That's second. And this? Stop! Stop! No, my bike! No! Wait! - Help! It's gone crazy! - Stop! - Help! Help! Where's the brake? - Stop! Stop! - Where is it? Tell me! - My bike! - Where's the brake? Run! - Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! "... all made of chrome, its yours if you say yes!" "You cost me a whole lifetime!" - Is he tall? - "... for nothing..." Why, are you taking notes? 6'3". Half a foot taller than Marlon Brando. I only come up to here on him. So to kiss me he has to... Everything I own belongs to him. Everything, even this bike. Well... half of it. - It's a beautiful bike. Expensive? - Goodness... How should I know how much a motorbike costs? I don't buy them, I steal them were I find them. I found this one in... Chicago, I think. In a dangerous situation, as usual. Six of them, one of me. With Cross-eyed Joe, of course. Poor old Joe, I left him to face the electric chair in San Quentin. But while he had his back turned a voice behind me, cold as marble: "Hands up!" And so I... - No, let go of me! - What? ! - Help! - What? ! - Let go! Help... help... What were you saying? I was saying: "Let go of my arms, otherwise we'll end up in the ravine." - It's a miracle, it was a miracle! - A miracle? ! - Give me your hand. - I'm hanging here and it's a miracle? - Yes, now I'll get you down. - How? - Give me your hand. - Hold on! - Don't move. - Don't let me fall... - Where's the tree? - Wait, calm down... - Wait! I'm slipping! - I'm here. - Grab hold of me. - Oh, God, my hand... - Wait, here... - Here. - Wait. No, my bike... - My bike. - Are you angry? - No, my bike... - Nothing happened. - Where's my bike? - Did you hurt yourself? - Are you okay? - No, no... oh, God! No, my bike! No! Don't leave me, no! My beautiful bike... The gears... My God... Are you angry? Come on, nothing happened. We could have been hurt but we weren't. My bike! My beautiful mike! Oh, God, you brought it back! - Thank you, Marlon Brando! Thank you! - How did you recognise me? - I'd give everything for this bike, thank you! - Fuck you. But it's mine! See how lucky we are? It didn't even get broken! Come on, talk. Say something! Don't you see that you're killing me? ! I mean... - Don't you see how insane this? - I guess... But when you're free to see the world, you're also free to fall in a ravine. See? I even found your helmet. See? It looks good on you. Are you happy now, eh? What do you care about the bike? Someone like you can always find one. What do you know? What do you know? ! I'm ruined. You ask: "What do I care..." You can't understand. It's not just the bike... Actually, it's exactly the bike. Because I... without that bike I'll get there late. I'll get there too late. No, no... If you're late, what will he say? Actually, he... he never says anything to me. - Even if I'm late. - Come on, have a smoke and calm down. Sometimes I scare even myself. I can already imagine the scene. When I get there... I run up the stairs, breathless. The door is locked from the inside. He's alone with them so I try to knock the door down. A deathly silence. And with my heart racing I ask myself: "Is he still alive?" Because he's waiting for me, you know? I have to save him. - I'm essential to him! - Oh, God, what will we do now? - You mean, what will you do now? - What will you do? I'm going to hitch a ride. Me... by myself. And I'll be up North in a flash. Got it? Because they call me the demon of the hitch-hiking world. That's right... It's just that here there's not... But, what... You're terrible at smoking. Why, how am I supposed to do it? - Listen, Honey... - Yes? - Why don't we "find" another bike. - My bike... - What about the money? - What money? It's not like you buy them, you steal them were you find them! - Who? ! - What do you mean, who? Let's do what you did in... Chicago. - What did I do? - Chicago, a dangerous situation... Six of them! You, alone... If they catch you, it's over. Cross-eyed Joe was with you. Poor old Joe! Died on the electric chair at San Quentin. Well, while Joe was busy, a voice behind you says: "Hands up!" - And then? - And then you put your hands up and the bike ended up in the ravine. That bike... my beautiful bike! In the ravine... it came out, but then they took it away. Don't talk about it, it's not what, I don't have that kind of help... - If only Cross-eyed Joe was here. - Hey, I'm here. - Who? What, are you putting yourself in the same category as Cross-eyed Joe? No offense, but that guy ended up on the electric chair not at the laundrette with that... And if you don't make it in time? You shouldn't waste too much time, Hour X is too important! I need some time to think. Anyway, let's get walking. And remember, that calm is the second rule of the adventurer. But... I don't like cars, in fact I hate them. They make me... Don't, don't... They're nothing like bikes... It's much better, I have all the wind in my face, it's fun... - Come no, try to adapt yourself for a change. - Yes, adapt myself... See how we get by? Just one cold-blooded moment and... there you go! Life is ours again. No! What's going on? No! No, wait! No! They engine has died! They're going to catch us! Oh, God, it's all your fault. I knew it! What am I going to do? - I know, you've been on so many adventures that sometimes you get nervous. - Yes... - Don't worry, I'll take care of it. - Yes, yes, take care of it! That's it, here come the police. Positive pole, negative pole, magnetic differential goose-neck and coil. I don't know her. I don't know this girl! She's just giving me a ride! I don't know her. I swear, Mr. Officer! I don't know anything! I'm in the dark about everything. Officer, don't throw me in jail! I haven't done anything! She's the thief! It's her! Done. - What do you mean, done? - It's all fixed. Start the engine. You're just full of surprises... You should never be caught unprepared. Let that be a lesson to you... - So you know a lot about engines? - No, I took a course, by mail. - So what's he like? - Sly like an otter and as naive as a child. - Don't move or I'll shoot! - Who's that? Nobody move! I haven't done anything, I'm innocent! - Well done, you didn't even get scared. - Of course, it's a fake gun. - Really, can you tell? - But... we've kidnapped a child! - Why, have you never done it before. - What? ! No, I've never kidnapped a child! Only presidents. Why, didn't you mean to kidnap me? I thought that this was my lucky day. My God... irresponsible, reckless, and a thief! But now I'm leaving you behind. And I'm leaving you with the murder weapon! Take me away with you. My poor mother died bringing me into this world. She looked a lot like... like you. - And you. - No, she looked like her. - Where do you live? - I'm small but I'm not stupid. - I know that you're only asking so that you can take me home. - And right away, too. - I warn you, that would be a mistake. - What's your name? - Call me Tex. Alright, that's enough of the pleasantries. Tell me where your house is, right now. - The next turn on the left. - Right. - But... where did you send me? - You messed up, must have been distracted. But that's okay. Go on, hit me. I'm used to it. - Tell me the right away. - I don't remember anything: emotional stress. I'll show you emotional stress! Look where he's taken us. Oh God, no! It's going down! We're sinking! Don't forget to remain calm, ladies. This isn't quick-sand, after all. The car is just bogged down. This isn't called The Devil's Bog for nothing. - You know everything... - He must be in a private school, that or he's a liar. I can't go on. The bog... Are you smoking, too? Calms my nerves. - It seems that we'll be forced to spend the night here. - I suppose so. Are you angry? No, of course not! Why would I be? I'll kill him! I have an important appointment... Good, it's healthy to vent one's anger. In heaven she'll be an angel. - We'll freeze to death. - No, I don't think so. - No? Oh, Tex, I've never bet anyone as bright as you. I should just leave them here. Leave them... They're smoking, too... They've already eaten... Is there anything left for me? - I'm sorry, you said you weren't hungry. - I changed my mind. Here, I saved some for you. Loneliness makes one hungry. Dry, isn't it? Tiffany, San Francisco. Ah, San Francisco... There was this filthy rich guy. He liked to cheat at card games. I gave him a good kick... Shall we play? - Tag, or hopscotch? - Let's say poker. - Where did you learn that? - Cut them. All in. Call. - Four aces. - Me, too... with a King. I gave you a good kick, didn't I? I'm holding him down, otherwise he'll escape. What if we free everyone? Everyone who wants to come with us, not just children. We could make a gang that even Butch would be proud of. Stop by all the laundrettes, tell them all to come with us. And if they don't want to come, it's their loss. Alright, are we all clear? We found the car abandoned by thieves with Tex inside, in tears. And don't contradict that story, they'll probably interrogate us... I remember this one time, at Alcatraz... - How is she? How is she? ! - Actually, we found the car abandoned... - I thought there must have been an accident, something serious... - No, no. - How many miles did she do? - But, who? - My car! - No, the child... Ah, my precious darling... - What do you mean? No, the... - My beautiful, lovely little boy! - Hey, you've been smoking! You smoke? ! - Actually, he also cheats. - Get inside, I'll make you pay! - Take it easy! - Ma'am, go easy! He has emotional stress! - When you see each other, what will you do? - Make love. Make love, make love... Make love, and then... sometimes he also takes me out on his bicycle. My husband never does that for me. My beloved Naples! Naples, the oilfield! Did you see that? Over there. Find the Queen, double your money! Where did she go? - Do you understand the game, Ma'am? You're looking for the Queen, remember. - Turn the card over! - I know what I'm doing. - Alright! Find the Queen, double your money! - Pick a card, Ma'am. - I told you, it's this one! - No, it's this one here, see? The nice lady lost, but she still might make her money back! Find the Queen, double your money! Is she here? Is she there? - Which card, Ma'am? - The one on the right. - Pick a card, Ma'am! - The right! - Let me work, I tell you! - Be quiet! - But he's such a con-artist! - I saw that he put the Queen on the right. - Here it is, here it is... - The right! - Ma'am, it's on the right! - It's on the right! - Ladies, if you please... Pick a card. Will you let her play the game? Why don't you mind your business? - The lady won. - Let me work, will you? - I won and he won't give me my money! - Mind your own business! - The lady is waiting for her money! - Mind your own business! Let me work here, I say! People of Naples, your attention please! Do you see that man? That's Don Michelone, the great Guappo! Do you see that sky? The sea, and all of Naples? - It belongs to Don Michelone, the great Guappo! - You must have no idea who she is! Usually, I ride a motorbike... And do you see that money? It belongs to this old lady. And if you don't give it to her right away... - Take out your money! - Me? ! I don't... - Let's go, I've got the money. - Really... - Please excuse us! - You'll pay! I don't think so, I have an appointment. Come on! Get your sponges, right here! - Here's your money. - Thank you, thank you. Now listen to me, this is a powerful charm. If you rub it and say: "Tricche, ballacche, and molliche..." Whatever you wish will come true. - You don't believe her, do you? - Of course, why not? That's all we need: "Tricche, belliche, and meneliche..." You'll believe anything! Well, are we going to find this cousin Giuseppina, or not? I'm ashamed to turn up looking like this. I mean, look at the state of us! Excu... excuse... - Well? - That's not my cousin. Giuseppina? I know where she is! She's here, in my heart! - Is she here? - Ah you're Giuseppina's cousin? - No, actually, I... - Ouch, why me? ! It's her! - Ah, it's her! - Where's Giuseppina? - Giuseppina? She left for the Americas! - Where are you going? - To the Americas! - Come on! Hurry, the ship is leaving! - What? ! - Run! - Where are you going? - To look for your cousin! - Wait! I made Giuseppina up so that I could come with you, free to see the world. What? You made her up? You made her up... Ah, that's good... So you... you've cheated me. You've told me nothing but fibs! You're a liar as well as a thief! Because you... You've ruined me, you know that? With this Giuseppina of yours! Because if I don't get there in time, that's the end for me! Do you see? - Good afternoon. Alone? - Want to go dancing? - The blonde one is mine - Want to go for a drink? - The brunette is mine. - Want to go for a ride? - Both of them are mine. - To Luna Park? To the bowling alley? They're not interested. To dinner? Are you not eating? Not hungry? They must think we're both homeless. Ever heard of... .. the Empire State Building? - San Francisco? - We've heard of it. Oh, really? Did you hear that? They've heard of it. My father... Well, it's not his, because he didn't like the shutters. If he didn't like the shutters... And anyway, when you have 20 steel factories 100 oil wells, and all... Pardon. ... all the buffalo in Montana why do you need something like the Empire State Building? - Why do you need it? - Why do you need that? Right, why do you need it? - Me too! In Sicily, my father... - No! She's actually an orphan. I gave her half of my fortune, but I don't hold it against her. - Waiter! - Yes? - Vodka! - We're all out. - All out? Karaciov, it's Russian... Oh, Moscow, Moscow... I speak Russian as well as I speak Chinese. It's my fifth language. - Garçon? - Yes? You wouldn't have any marinated hare, would you? We're all out. Though we do have a house specialty... Bring me some. - Come back here! No... - I love these popular foods. You have to understand that when one has everything in life and I mean everything one loses interest in everything. You don't like anything anymore. It's a lack of appetite, a boredom, a... We know a place where people like you never get bored. Oh, really? - 20 steel factories. - 100 oil wells. - All the buffalo of Montana. To the roulette table. "Medames e messieurs, faites votre jeu." - "Rien ne va plus". - May we? - Of course. - Excuse us. - Thank you. - Thank you. Good evening. - "Le trois noir prévaut". - It's like Las Vegas... - What are we supposed to play with? - Don't look at me! Excuse me, will you give me 10,000? Well? You should never start with your own money, you know? It's bad luck. "Mesdame e messieurs, faites votre jeu". We don't have any money! "Faites votre jeu, mesdame". "Faites votre jeu, mesdame et messieur". Place your bets, Madam! - "Faites votre jeu". - Everything on 7. "Les jeux sont faits, rien ne va plus!" "Le 7 rouge. En plein". - "Pardon"? - "En plein, madame". - What did he say? - "En plein". - What? - "En..."? - "Appell"? - Take advantage of your luck, Madam. - No... - Yes! - No... - Everything on 7. - He's going to get all of that! "Rien ne va plus! Mesdame et messieur, rien ne va plus." - "Le 7 rouge prévaut... encore!" - No! - Seven... "En plein"... - How much? - 12,960,000. - "Encore? Encore!" Yes, all of it, all of it! This too! - All of it! - All of it on 7! - What? No! - "Faites votre jeu". - "Mesdame, faites votre jeu". - No! That's my money... "Les jeux sont faits. Rien ne va plus". - "Tricche, belliche, and meneliche..." - "Le 7 rouge!" - How much is that? - 466 million... - How much? ! - ... and 650,000. - Everything on 7! - No, wait! - Yes, yes, all of it! - No! - "Mesdame, faites votre jeu". - I can't look! "Les jeux sont faits, rien ne va plus." "Tricche, belliche, and meneliche..." "Tricche, belliche, and meneliche..." "7 rouge, en plein!" "En plein"? ! We killed him. Let's count it. "En plein!" 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 million! 9 million, 10 million... - Let's bet it all! - Careful, wait... - Let's keep playing. - No! I'm not playing anymore, I'm going home. I'm going to give it all to my mother. - Take everything home. - No, no. - Are you crazy? - Let's bet it all! - I'm not playing. - No, no... - Bet it all! Everything on 7! - They stole it from me... My winnings, I want my winnings! I have an appointment. I'm going to buy a new bike, a new everything... Everything! Here's the winnings! - Here's the winnings! - Here's the winnings! - Let's bet it! Take all of it. Go home. To my home. Give it to my mother! - Millions! - It's not millions, it's billions! - We're super rich! - Take it all home, all of it! - Get the money, get the money! - It's mine! - Let's go home! - Get all of it! - I can't see anything. Are you sure that they're rich? Of course they are, you idiots! They just won millions from us! - Your hands! - No, not the hands! - Your hands! - The hands, no... Mother of... 744, 745, 746, 747, 748... - It turned into a nice evening. - Thanks for everything! - Congratulations. Poker, or death. Do you want a rematch? Yes. Yes, of course... But what will you bet? A gold mine. Or even my hotels in Rio. No, something palpable. See... She... she just washes and irons all day and belongs to no one. Both of you. Actually, I have an appointment. - We'll bet this, too. - Cash? The ring, too. What did you bet? I... my word. Cards. It's bad luck for a man to play while wearing a hat. But it's not bad luck for me. Nice hat... may I? Well, shall we start? Okay. Shall we cut the nines? Yes... Yes, yes... - Whiskey Soda? - Certainly. Oh, thank you! Will you pour, darling? - Check. - Then I'll start. - How many cards? - Served. Four cards for me. Go ahead. - Four aces... with a King. - I have five. - What? How... how do you have five? Five plus four is nine. Cheat! - Then it's all mine, according to the rules! - What should we do? What should we do, Boss? What are they going to do? You wouldn't beat up two poor and defenseless women, would you? Yes. - They said yes. Let's defend ourselves! - No. - Defend ourselves! - What? - Give it to them! Show them what we're made of! - But, how? - They're getting closer! - I can't fight anyone. - Of course you can! - No. - Does your husband hit you? - Yes... Then imagine it's him. Imagine it's him! Wow, that's it! I should be in the Olympics. Did you come to talk to me? That's it! Right hook! Right, left, straight, hook! Show them what we're made of! That's it, like this! And this! Ah, no! You shouldn't hit a woman! Oh, God... I don't feel well. Come on, you wimp! Left, hook, under, over, right, left... - The money! - Who's that? It's you? Sure, fairy hands, I'll give something... Excellent. And now... - Come on! - The police! The police! The smoke. Hey, let's go! The police are coming. Did you hear me? The police! We have to go! Let go of me... Watch where you're stepping! What would you say to bath in prison? We're the incorruptibles. - So what? - And do you know why? - No. Because no one has ever tried to corrupt us... - Shall we say 200,000? - No. - 100,000? - No. What did I tell you? We'll always be the incorruptibles. - Hand over the money! - Of course, right away. Hold this. - That's it. - Give that to me. - And this. - Hold on a moment! Stay still, like that... Sorry, but aren't you... Isn't that him? It was him. There they are! I'll take care of it! - Thief! Thief! - No! It's ours! That's ours! That's our suitcase. No, it's our money! - Don't worry, I'll get it back. - Come on! - We won it! - That's out money! - Hold on! - I'll get it! That's our stuff! - Taxi! - Hey, taxi! - Get in, get in! What a mess over a bit of cash. A bit of cash... Anyway, that's enough now. It's time for us to part ways. - I hope you don't think I'm going to follow you. - That's right. No, only I'm allowed to say that. You've ruined me! - What am I supposed to tell him now? - If he loves you, he'll understand. Well, sometimes he doesn't understand. Seems like someone else. Go away! Get out of here! He's waiting for me! Him... "the man I love". You've done nothing but hold me back, I'd be there by now if it wasn't for you! You made me lose my motorbike, you let them steal the money... That's enough, now. Let's not waste any more time, let's get back on the road. - Hour X is fast approaching! - And what's it to do with you? I have to go alone. Alone... It's over! "Finish!" "Rien-ne-va-plus!" - Trying to hurt me with your culture? - I'll hurt you with a cutlass! Well... then, goodbye. Where would you go? Without me you can't even take one step forward... I hope you don't think I'm about to just forgive you. You've done nothing but weigh me down. I showed you the world! But you just belong in a laundrette. But now... go, get lost! And remember, if we ever meet each other again we don't know each other! Got that? Got it? Where did you go? Where are you? What... what are you doing? I hope you're not offended. I was just kidding! Hey! What's your name again? Come out! A... a glass of water. Still. I'm momentarily separated from my bike, but I do have one. I parked it... behind the building. Hey! Finally! I thought we'd never see each other again. - You've no idea what happened on the train... - Are you talking to me? Barman? A Schweppes! Hey, it's me. Who is that woman? We don't know each other. No, look, this isn't the time for pride. My feet are all swollen... I can't go on. Let me come with you, please. Otherwise I'll be late for the appointment. With that car over there we'll be in the North in a flash. See, I'm not asking for myself. I'm asking you for... for him. Well, if it's for him... He's beeping the horn! Men must always be made to wait. - My car! - Stop! - Wait! - Wait! - Hey! - Stop! - Stop! See that? I'm ruined. - You made me lose the car. - You made me lose it! He was waiting for me, after all. I hope we're not going to argue again. - "The unknown weaves a spider's web all around him..." - What are you saying? I'm making progress, aren't I? Come on, let's go. Get away from me! - The face of a poet. - Hm? - His face conceals a painful secret. Perhaps he had polio as a child. See his arm? - His face shows the tragedy of his sickness. - Yeah... Look! Let's set him free. No, I can't. I can't because I have an appointment. And anyway, that's enough! You've made enough trouble already. You're dangerous, did you know that? That's enough brute force. What is it? - I'll get rid of the handcuffs, where's the key? - We'll set you free! And why would I want to be free? I'm an officer, he's the thief. - What a terrible mistake! Quick, run! - Enough of these punches, Officer... And then shes says: "No, you're mine..." - And then what? - And then... he insists all night long. No, please, excuse me! No coffee right now, later! - Run! Run! - Yes, a taxi is waiting for us, with the meter running... - How much did you pay? - A lot, but don't worry about it! - Hurry up! Coming through! Let me pass! No, not the spaghetti! - Excuse me! No, not right now! - Be careful, Miss! - No, not the cake! - No, Miss! This is for the VIP! I can't, please... No, not the cake! Yes, the cake! Yes, the cream! Mmm, tasty! - Now what? - If we don't run they'll catch us! HELP! YOU SAID YOU WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT! I AM TAKING CARE OF IT! I had a strange dream... Me too. Well... - But, you're the devil! - And also the angel. - And what part do you play in the circus? - I'm the devil shot into the sky. I get inside here... Then there's someone... - Someone pulls that lever. - Which lever? - That one. - Ah, this one? - Yes... What a wretched day, the devil has left us! - The sun is obscured... - On the horse, quick! One hundred lashings for those women! - What are you doing, stopping? They'll catch us! - We're safe. We've crossed the border. This is it, Hour X is tonight at 15:30. - I made it in time. - We really made it. No, I made it. You can't come with me. That's enough. I just wanted to show you some fun. But now the game is over. - Well, sooner or later we were always going to part ways. - But what can I do? Go back to my husband? - What do you want to do? - I want to live like you. - You wouldn't be able to. My life... Farewell. Perhaps one day I'll come back and get you. - I don't even know your name. - It doesn't matter now! "Poor old Joe! All you have left is electric chair at San Quentin..." - "Them, 20. Me, alone." - And then? And then, I heard a voice behind me as cold as marble: "Hands up!" Thank you, Sir. Thank you. Thank you. Those of a delicate disposition are advised to leave the room! Those of a delicate disposition are advised to leave the room! Good girl. You came back without the bike. Now, to pay for it you're going to have to work the rest of your life for free. A shame, isn't it? Now who knows what I'll do... That's enough! Let it go... No, no, I won't just let it go. This year I gave you a holiday, too. But I came back on time, didn't I? Today is the 16th, I was here on the dot at 15:30. To pay me back, you're also going to have to work the "matinée". Only seats in the front row! Only seats in the front... He's always messing around, I don't... I don't know why he's like this today. Put your hands down, I'm the boss around here. He promised me that next year he'll also give me a proper contract. A contract? Like hell! Come on, get back to work! - I give him half my tips because it's tradition. - Hey, I'm talking to you! No, stop! Now it's my turn. Just a moment. Can we at least talk about it? - "Well done." - Thanks. Nuts, sweets, ice creams! Chocolate, sweets, ice creams! Nuts! Nuts, ice creams! Now what are we going to do? Ah, yes... Anyway, let's get walking. (DOCTOR who THEME) (RADIO BEEPING) -Yeah. -Base checking. You all right out there? BALDwIN: All quiet. -BRAUN: Where are you? -Sector 5. -we've hit a rich load. -Sector 5? Listen, I just took a sun shot. You have 1 5 degrees to full night. You better get out of there fast. Right. Professor, that was Braun. we've got to leave. -what? -It's 1 5 degrees to night. Just look at this, Baldwin. It's showing more than 70 pure. we'll never make base from here, sir, if we don't leave now. The last time we hit a vein as rich as this, -you know what happened? -Yes. Lorenzo died. He was the first. That's when it all seemed to start. we lost it. The vein vanished. This damn planet took it back. It's alive, you know, Baldwin. It watches every move we make. I won't be beaten again. Load the canisters. Professor, please. There isn't time now. -we can return tomorrow. -It'll be gone by tomorrow. Don't you see, man? It knows. It senses what we're trying to do. I'm not trekking back though that jungle in the dark. If you don't come now, I shall have to leave you. well, then leave. Leave. (STATIC CRACKLING) (DISTRESSED CRIES) (GROANING) Braun? (PANTING) Braun? Sorenson wouldn't come. He... Braun? where are you? (STATIC CRACKLING) (GROANS) (BEEPING) (GASPING) DOCTOR: Hmm? what did you say? You promised me we'd be back in London five minutes before leaving Loch Ness. -Did I? -Oh, you're trying to wriggle out of it. -wriggle out of what? -Your promise. we're on the edge of a time-space vortex, and you're talking in minutes. SARAH: Oh, I see. -what's gone wrong this time? -Nothing. Nothing at all. what makes you think something's gone wrong? Because you always get rude when you're trying to cover up a mistake. Nothing of consequence. Slight overshoot, easily rectified. Come on. where are we? we've come out of the time vortex at the wrong point, that's all. A few years too late. -How many? -30,000. (BEEPING) That's a distress call. Someone's in trouble. -where? -who knows. Stand by for emergency materialisation. (wHOOSHING) which way? This way. You don't know where we are. Oh, with any luck, we're near enough to reach wherever it is... That is not what I meant. ...before whatever it was that made them transmit the call overwhelms them. -That is, if we're not too late already. -I mean what planet? Oh, it's a weak signal. Never mind the diffractive interference of the time warp. Could you move any faster? I'm doing the best I can. (STATIC CRACKLING) There it is. Zeta Minor. The last planet of the known universe. Crew deck, orbital entry imminent. Ponti and De Haan to command area. Ponti and De Haan to command area. Vishinsky, you'll lead the landing party. without Ponti? You are the most experienced officer. -You are going to scan first? -No. It's advised procedure before physical landing on any ex-planet. Technically, Zeta Minor is not an ex-planet. Professor Sorenson's party has been on the surface for months. They might have been dead for months. They've not reported. Vishinsky, you know our field position. we've enough for the return journey and an emergency reserve. I cannot waste that on a low-level scan. It's your decision, Controller. I'll get equipped for descent. Sarah? You all right? what's the matter? I don't know. Just suddenly felt so odd, as though my mind left my body. You all right now? -Yes. -You look all right. (CHUCKLES) what's that you've found? Hmm? Hand tool of some kind. So the people who sent that signal must be humanoid. well, if they've got hands... The descent chamber's ready, Ponti. Yes, Controller. The probe will remain in free orbit in case emergency escape procedures are needed. From the time you land, maintain permanent audio contact. Understood, Controller. The descent area is the one selected for Sorenson, so you should have no difficulty locating the base. Unless something gets in our way. You're equipped and trained to deal with all normal contingencies. The prime purpose of this mission is to locate Professor Sorensen's expedition. If hostile forces are found to be operating on Zeta Minor, we've the capacity to eliminate them. (BEEPING) Right, we're in orbit. Prepare for descent. SARAH: Looks like we're too late. DOCTOR: Several months too late, by the look of him. DOCTOR: Anyone about? No one about. Can't we have some lights? Probably the power's run down. That would account for the weak signal. Yes. Ah. what? Automatic distress button. It all adds up. May have been running for months. High-capacity power cell dependent on sunlight for charging. So we're still in the solar system. we're still in a solar system. But what particular star provides the light and energy? wherever we are, we're a long way out. -SARAH: I wonder what happened here. -Hmm? well, this is clearly the base for some kind of scientific expedition, possibly geological, something went wrong and they sent out a distress signal. And died before help arrived. Yes. Something like that. A lost expedition. So, what are we gonna do? So, let's go back to the Tardis and fetch my spectromixer. I'll fix our position by that star. And I'll repair this power cell and try and make contact. well, you can get on with that now. I'll fetch the spectromixer. -Good idea. would you do that? -why not? I know the way. Good thinking. -what are you waiting for? -The key. Right. -See you. -Mmm. (wHIRRING) Sarah. Don't touch. Keep back. It may be a trap. Landing party to probe. Understood. You've acted correctly. Do not attempt entry. VISHINSKY: Shall we apply disintegrators? On no account. It will yield essential information on hostile forces. Your orders are, transpose object to probe. Out. Prepare the quarantine berth. (BEEPING) (wHIRRING) All right. Stand clear. Movement. Over there. Approach and identify yourself. Professor Sorenson. I've been observing you for some time. One has to be careful on this planet. Appearances can be deceptive. -You all right, Professor? -Oh, yes. It's nearly dawn. The days are quite safe. But how are you? Galactic Mission Control received no word from you. They sent us to investigate. I'm well... I'm more than well. My theory about Zeta Minor has proved to be true. Only last night I made the vital discovery in Sector 5. where are the others? Baldwin returned to the base last night. He was suffering from fatigue. He'll be fine now. Come, I'll show you the way. There were eight in your expedition. Yes, we've had difficulties. Conditions are hard. we've lost some but... The important thing is, the mission has been a success. -we've found what we came to find. -How many have you lost? He'll be... He'll be fine now. It's just tiredness. He needs a good rest. It's not far. Baldwin. He's dead. Yes. Murdered. Just like the others. Stay where you are. (wHIRRING) Stand just where you are. where am I? You are in orbit around planet Zeta Minor. You're a Morestran prisoner. (GASPING) I can't breathe. An oxygen type. Could be an earthling. Transfer oxygen to quarantine area. Command deck calling you, Controller. Right. Complete the quarantine procedures and bring the alien to me. And see what she's holding. VISHINSKY: He calls himself the Doctor. He's not of our world. Claims to have landed in response to a distress call. Have you checked the transmitters down there? Yes, but any signal would have been monitored by our receivers. Perhaps my receivers are better than yours. Shut up! My manners certainly are. Can't Sorenson explain? VISHINSKY: He's too shocked. His mental state is strained. Understandable. we arrived just in time. And the prisoner? Just repeats the same story. Keep a careful watch on him. I may have better fortune. (STATIC CRACKLING) You picked it up? That's what I said. we picked up a distress call and landed immediately. Do you have any idea where Zeta Minor is situated? -No, not exactly... -It's beyond Cygnus A. It's as distant again from the Artoro galaxy as that galaxy is from the Anterides. It's on the very edge of the known universe. You just happened to be passing when you received this distress call? (STAMMERING) well, no. we were actually on our way to London, to Earth. To Earth? You said you came from Earth. Yes, we do. That is I do. (BEEPING) You see, the Doctor said we could... -we could be... -Report. MAN: Landing site moving to obverse. Decision to land on planet or continue in orbit imperative. we'll go in now, before night. I think you and your friend, the Doctor, know much more about Zeta Minor than you want us to think. Take her away. Commence landing procedure. we'd only been working a few weeks when Lorenzo went. After that, Gura and then Summers. And then, for a while, it stopped. we thought that we were safe, that whatever it was had decided to leave us in peace, but it wasn't to be. -The killings always happened at night? -Oh, yes. -The nights were the worst. -Naturally. Any force of alien infiltrators is going to operate under cover of dark. A full and immediate confession would save you great discomfort. Discomfort? You mean you're going to torture me? Interrogate you, and nobody, Doctor, withstands Morestran interrogation for very long. Put him with the other prisoner. we must try and contact the home planet again. Not a chance, Controller. This far out, we're on our own. SALAMAR: well? we've searched a wide belt of the jungle in all directions. No sign of any other life. So that seems to narrow the killer down to our two aliens. Prepare to execute them. Let's go, shall we? How? Through the window. They're magnetically locked. But the power is low. (STATIC CRACKLING) (SARAH GASPING) No, no. I'll be right over. And Sarah? Better keep his recovery dark for the moment. Well, why? Do you think Harry's still in danger from something? Sarah! What's happened? -Mister Benton, get to the Sickbay. -Right, sir. No, I was only gone for a few minutes. When I got back, he'd disappeared. But the window was open. -And no Miss Smith? -No. Doctor Sullivan was beginning to talk. I thought she ought to hear. She was nowhere to be found in the corridor, so I went over to hut four. -Mister Benton? -Doctor? Get some men over here and search the area. Right. He might be wandering on the moors. - Where's the telephone? -I'll show you. I found the receiver hanging on its cord. I thought it odd at the time. No one else on duty? Only me. Where does this lead? Through there is the decompression unit for our divers, but it's always kept locked. I'll try the Dispensary. Shush. It's only me, it's only me. Oh, thank goodness. I was talking to you, and this thing, it just suddenly appeared. Doctor, look! What's that noise? I don't know, but that's not the air conditioning. What in the name of? What, what is this place? Why have you brought me here? You could be of value. What are you? I am Broton, War Lord of the Zygons. Zygons? A name that humans will learn to fear. Where have you come from? Centuries ago, by your timescale, our craft was damaged. We landed here to await rescue. Recently we learned our world was destroyed in a stellar explosion. We can never return. So now we must make this planet ours. Observe. In your terminology, human, the ultimate weapon. Doctor, I can't breathe. Shut up and save your breath. -How did you bring that creature to the Earth? -As an embryo. The Skarasen is our life source. We Zygons depend upon it its lactic fluid for survival. Mammals? If that's thing's destroyed, then you die too. None of your puny human weapons can affect the Skarasen. -Our technology is supreme. -Our nuclear missiles... Would be mere pin pricks. We have converted the Skarasen into an armoured cyborg of devastating power. Nothing can stand against us. Nothing! Keep looking into my eyes. Keep looking into my eyes. You don't need to breathe. Do not breathe. Do not breathe. You feel no pain. No pain. You feel nothing. You understand? Nothing. You feel nothing. -Corporal? -Sir? I'm still waiting for that liaison report. -You're still in touch with the Coastguards? -Sir. Right. I want a twenty four hour watch kept on every inch of this coastline. Sir. If the Doctor's right, if there is some sort of sea monster out there attacking the rigs, - we've got to be ready for anything. -Sir. -It could decide to come inland. -Sir. Can't you say anything else but sir? Sorry, sir. Fletcher's squad have reached McNab Point. They're setting up a listening watch now. -Good. Any news of the Doctor yet? -No, sir. Hey. What the devil? Here! They're in here! We've got to get this door open. Find the others. Tell them we've found them. Doctor? Doctor? It worked, Mister Benton. What worked? Why are you whispering? What worked, Doctor? Oh, just a trick I picked up from a Tibetan monk. Don't touch her! It could be fatal to break the spell incorrectly. What happened? Brigadier? What the...? Brigadier! Brigadier! I just don't get it. Everyone in the village is affected. They seem to have been drugged or something. -Gassed. -Gassed? Yes, some kind of nerve gas. Affects the higher consciousness. -Will he be okay? -Oh, yes. But who? I mean, why would anyone want to knock out the entire village? -It just doesn't make any sense. -Yes, it does. Someone or something wanted to pass this way unseen. -You still on duty, Mister Benton? -Yes, I am. Then get outside and scout around. Is it possible? Commander Broton, the Doctor and the female human have just driven into the village. Explain! I don't understand, Commander. They were dying when I left them. Then you left too early. It's all right. You're going to be all right. -Doctor? -Yes? I brought this over to show to the Brigadier. What do you make of it? -Interesting. Where did you get it? -It was found amongst the wreckage. They have the trilanic activator! It must be recovered. Take the human out and prepare him for use. Where are you taking me? Mister Huckle, this is a signal device. For this thing you reckon's chewing up the oil rigs? Correct. You are too clever, Doctor. Clever and dangerous. Where are you taking me? We need your body print. My what? Selected humans provide us with body prints, a Zygon device that is beyond your understanding. Are they dead? No. See this one? A worthless creature known as the Caber. Now watch. That's impossible. We have the power to turn ourselves into replicas of your unpleasant form whenever it is necessary. If one of these was clamped to each of the rigs about to be attacked. Ah! Perhaps it emits some kind of primeval mating call. Hee. Just after I got here I heard some kind of animal bellowing out there. What kind of animal? I didn't see it, Miss Smith, and I can tell you, I didn't go looking. If my theory is correct, we're going to have to handle this very, very carefully. Yeah, well, if there's anything I can do? No, thank you, Mister Huckle. This could be very valuable. You've done enough, thank you. Okay. Well, watch yourself, Doctor, hey? You too, Miss Smith. Don't worry. -You guys all right? -Yeah, better. Hey, he's coming round. Ah, Doctor, there you are. What was I doing on the floor? You've been asleep, Brigadier. Asleep? Impossible. I was on duty. There are times, Doctor, when you do talk absolute nonsense. Excuse me. I've never seen anything like that before. Go and fetch the Doctor and the Brigadier. Right, you take us there. -Sarah. -Yeah? -You stay here in case Harry turns up. -Right. Excellent. Now the female human is alone. Something very big, and very heavy. And very savage. Harry! Hello. What do you mean, hello? Are you all right? What happened to you? Nothing. I escaped. Escaped? Escaped from where? What do you...? Where are you going with that? The Doctor asked me to collect it. Did he? When did you see him? It's not important. Hey, just a minute. Harry! Harry! Come back! Harry! Quick! It's Harry. We've got to stop him. Quick. Harry! Harry? Harry! Look, we've got to find him. Let's split up. Harry? Harry... Strange. The response monitor on the human indicates autonomic reflex. Impossible... Unless something has happened to Murdlar. Test the syncron response. There is no syncron response, Commander. Murdlar has been eliminated! Immediate molecular dispersal! He must not be taken. Immediate dispersal! But it was there! Yes, but how does it work? If we knew that, at least we'd be able to destroy it. Still, thanks to you we've still got it. Yeah. You know what worries me is how they, whoever they are, whatever they are, knew we had it. Meaning? Meaning I think we're being watched. Yes. You know, Brigadier, it does seem as if they know our moves in advance. A spy? You're not suggesting that one of us is really one of them? Why not? It's possible. We now know they have the power to turn themselves into facsimile human beings. Like Harry. Yes. I think it's more likely they've got some form of electronic surveillance. A bug? Shush. A bug. -Mister Benton! -Sir! I want every part of this building checked for bugs. Understand? Right, sir. UNIT and the Doctor must be destroyed. Totally destroyed. -Programme the Skarasen to attack. -Is that wise, Commander? If we reveal our presence on this planet... I will not tolerate argument! Doctor? It moved! I saw it move! Of course. Part artefact, part organic! She's right, Brigadier. -Is that its signal? -Yes. And that means this thing, whatever it is, is on its way? Yes. I see. Well, I'd better get our machine gun set up. Machine guns may not be enough, Brigadier. Then what do you suggest? There's only one course still open to us. I'll try and draw it off while you get a fix on its activating signal. -We must find its base, Brigadier. -Right, Doctor. Corporal, get that... You're taking an awful risk, Doctor. You don't know how fast this thing can move. It doesn't know how fast I can move. Fiendish thing! The signal's coming from inland, sir. Bearing two three zero. Two three zero. And the other bearing was? One six five, sir. One six five. That makes it just about here. About six or seven miles from here. Loch Ness. The monster? Destroy him. Die, Doctor, die! ## [Whistling] Does the colonel wish to dictate a letter? No. I was going to write one to my wife. Our anniversary's coming up shortly. - Oh. Congratulations, sir. - Thank you. Are you married, Radar? No, sir. I'm just a kid. When you get back home, you ought to find yourself a nice girl. First I wanna get a '46 Chevy. - I've had 27 wonderful years with Mrs. Potter. - Oh, yes, sir. Can't get that kind of mileage out of a Chevy. I never ride the clutch, sir. [Clears Throat] Finish the daily report? - Yes, I did, sir. - Notify the officer of the day? Done. I've done and did everything you told me to done and... do, sir. Relax, Radar. Smoke if you've got 'em. I'm just a kid, sir. Would you like to clean up the office? Oh, yes, sir. That would be nice. That's... I did... That's one of my best things. [Potter's Voice] "My dearest Mildred..." "My dearest Mildred. Well, one more year has rolled around... "and we are facing another anniversary away from each other. "Thanks for the talcum powder. Took a long walk yesterday and didn't chafe a lick. "Tickled to hear you got your corn removed. "Wish I were there to dance with you. "As for me, I'm still trying to get used to this outfit. "It's not easy. I'm the new kid on the block... "and they've all got their own little ways. "Like my company clerk, a young boy they call Radar. "Nice enough, but... a little squirrelly. "Of course, he's been over here a long time. "As your cousin Natalie said, and she's been quoted by so many... - 'War is hell."' - [Knocking At Door] - [Out Loud] Someone's at the door, dear. - Yes, sir. - Colonel. - Major. Major. - Colonel. - What can I do you for? - With... With your permission, we'd like to take your picture. - For the unit yearbook, sir. - I didn't know you had a yearbook. - Oh, yes. We've had one every year. - Starting with this one. What kind of pose would you like? - Um, standing. - Sitting. - Standing would be better, Major. - Not sitting? Standing is very difficult to do when you're sitting. Why don't I stand? Uh, uh... - An F-4 and a hundredth. - [Frank] Yes, yes. Sir, I think it would be better with a 2.8 and a 1/25th. Keep your exposures to yourself! Hold it! Now a side view. No, you stay, sir. He'll move. Move! Protection. Protection, yes. [Laughing] Neat. - Thank you, Colonel. Thank you very much. - No sweat, I'm sure. Major. Colonel. Curious, aren't they? Just about each other. Sir, I'm all finished now... unless you've got some more dirt I don't know about. That's all. Were my shirts delivered by that laundry woman? She's a little slow, sir. Her ox is sick. Oh, sorry to hear that. Sirs! Um, I was just wondering. Would you mind taking a picture of me with your camera? Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Good morning, Radar. Uh, good morning, Father. I was just testing the wind direction. Ah, it's north. - How 'bout a date after chow? They ran out of poodle. - What would we do? We could go to the generator shed and watch the valves go up and down. - Captain, can I talk to you, sir? - Just a second, lad. - There's bird-watching. - At night? - Bat watching? - It's not important, sir. - Meet me in the Swamp, Radar. - Oh, thank you, sir. - Why don't we just go to your tent? - Uh-uh. What's the matter? You live with your folks? ## [Whistling] ## [Whistling Stops] - You know how to knock, soldier? - Sure, sir. [Knocking] Just traipsing in. Suppose I'd been engaged in some top-secret, hush-hush, confidential activity, huh? I peeked first to see if Major Houlihan was here, sir. You little fink! - Who's a little fink? - I am, sir. You may think it's all right to give enlisted men free run of our quarters. - I disapprove. - I told him to meet me. Well, who do you think you are? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, surgeon, U.S. Army involuntary. - Your hand is filthy. - I was leaning against a dusty nurse. For a change. - Where you goin', Frank? - That's for me to know and you to find out. Witty dog. - I'm probably responsible for his leaving. - Come in more often. What's up, Radar? It's Colonel Potter. Gee, I just can't get relaxed around him. It's like staying with your aunt instead of your mother. You gotta say "please." You can't dunk your zwieback in your Bosco. You're not used to him yet, Radar. Give him time. Oh, no, no, no! I spent 15 summers with my aunt. Always came home with "hyperaciditity." Old Henry Blake was like his father. Oh, yeah. Taught me everything about life and everything. Even women. - I know. - I can't wait to get home and try it out. Give Potter a chance, Radar. He's okay. No, no, it's not the same! It's my aunt all over again. - Chopper. - [Man Over P.A. System] Incoming chopper. [P.A.] No wounded. Repeat. No wounded. Just mail for a few luckies. - Here you go, Corporal. - Thank you, sir. I wanna check the tail rotor cables, and then y'all got a sharpshooter around here? We've got four rifles in this outfit. And one of them's a reading lamp. We got a wounded horse up north. Left there by the Chinese. I wanna put the critter out of its misery. Hey, wait a minute! You just gonna shoot it? - I think he's pretty badly hurt. - Well, you can't do that. - The animal's probably suffering. - That doesn't mean you have to kill it. It's got rights. - What else can I do? - These sirs are doctors, sir. Maybe they can save it. Come on. I'll go with ya. Would youse, huh? Please? Pretty please? - You get the feeling we're in a Lassie movie? - Please? - All right, okay. Will you help us? - Sure. [Potter's Voice] "Sorry I had to leave you for a minute, Mildred dear. "I walked over from my office to the mess tent for a cup of joe. "Can't say much for the coffee here. But if I run out of ink, I'm covered. Ha, ha." - Colonel? - Padre. Little coffee break? Yes, sir. I've been hearing confessions all morning. It gets me right in through here. - Enjoyed the sermon Sunday. - Oh, yes. "Do Unto Thy Brother." You know, you can't miss if you've got good material. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to run. - More confessions? - Dysentery. Ah, well, this too shall pass. [Potter's Voice] "Excuse me, Mildred. That was Father Mulcahy. "You'd like him. Very dedicated, fine young priest. "Every once in a while, he'll surprise the puttees off ya. The other night, we were watching a movie." [Gunshots, Whooping] - Three-to-one. I'll take the Indians. - That's a bet. Five bucks. - What's the name of this picture? - Custer's Last Stand. - You're ruining' my picture! - [Gunshots Continue] - [Everyone Groaning] - [Klinger] Lights.! - Can you fix it, Corporal? - I think so, sir. - Don't you have another picture? - Just one. A training film. Fungus of the Feet. - Starring Fred Astaire. - How long will it take, Corporal? - A few minutes, sir. - [Everyone Groaning] Patience is its own reward, folks. Perhaps, with your permission, Lieutenant O'Connor and I... can give you a little preview of a number we've been rehearsing for the orphans' show. - Hear, hear! - Lieutenant. Come, my child. ## [Hums, Whispering] #When you're all dressed up and no place to go # # Life seems weary dreary and slow # #My heart has ached and bled # #For the tears I've shed # #When I've no place to go unless I went back to bed # # I've had a sad, sad life and whenever I go # # To that peaceful spot # #Where the violets grow # # Upon a nice white stone # #Will be written below # # He was all dressed up and no place to go ## [Applause] Can you see him, Dan? He's about a mile west of your position. You're gonna have to get off the road. - Dan, any unfriendlies around? - Good question. Negative. - This is crazy! - As opposed to just being in Korea? Turn right at that tree, and you'll see him about 2:00. - [Radar] Wait! - Perfect, Dan. Good spotting! We're fine from here. This is good. Stop. Not too close. You know anything about horses? - I stepped in manure once. - You're in charge. [Nickering] [Whinnying] Oh! Ooh! Look at him! Wow, he's beautiful! - I just hope it's not two Chinese in a horse suit. - Let's get him and get out. Wait a minute. Maybe we should talk to him first. Radar, if he's got anything to say, he'll tell you in the truck. [Radar] Easy. Easy. Don't scare him. He might hurt himself. - Did you ever lasso anything? - My little sister. Owed me a nickel. Hawkeye, get over there and draw his attention away from me. You got it, Tex. Careful. Don't hurt him. [Whinnying] Throw it. He's giving me the eye. Gimme that rope. - It's still my turn. - Come on. Come on. What you gotta do is make him think you're just... headin' for the bunkhouse for a cup of coffee. [Whinnies] He knows you're not goin' to the bunkhouse. Would you sirs mind just holding still for just a minute? Okay? Easy, boy. Easy, boy. I'm not gonna hurt ya. Attaboy. Look what I got here. - My name is Radar. Radar O'Reilly. - [Nickering] Yeah, you're a nice horse, aren't ya? Would you like to take a ride in a nice big truck? I'll sit right beside you all the way. Here. Come on. Attaboy. Come on. If I could only do that with nurses. [Potter's Voice] "Just got back from Rosie's Bar, dear. "A civilian joint across the road. Picked up a few beers. "Ran into Majors Burns and Houlihan. "She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp. "He's married, but I think something's going on between 'em. "Course, it's none of my business. "Sometimes he has lip rouge around his mouth and his lips are all swollen. "But like I say, that's none of my affair. "Seen her a few times with whisker burns on her cheeks. "But that's of no interest to me. "He did come into O.R. The other morning with teeth marks on his neck. "Doesn't prove anything, though. He could've been roughhousing with the camp dog. "But you know how I am, Mildred. What folks do on their off-duty hours is no business of mine." Ahh.! Anniversary. I understand. Many happy returns. I have just what the major needs. William Holden. No. No, no. It isn't his anniversary. It's the colonel's. And we want to get him something special. Oh. Yeah. One doorstop, two dollars. Two bookends, a special, four dollars. - If you'll just shut up, we'll tell you what we want. - Okay, Joe. One of our sergeants said you do wood carving. Oh! Sergeant Kowalski. I made a naked lady radiator cap for his father's Chrysler. Now we're getting somewhere. You do carve. I show you. Used to be round. - Looks like a two-by-four. - Thank you. Look at these. That's Colonel Potter. Front view. - Side view. - Two views. - Check. - No checks. Strictly cash. [Laughs] No. The major will pay in cash. We would like a bust carved of Colonel Potter. - I thought you were gonna pay half. - All right! Can you carve a bust? - Wood or stone? - Wood. Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks. - Well... - Frank. These people have no "espect-ray" unless you "aggle-hay" over the "ice-pray." - Five dollars. - Seven-fifty. Sold. "Umb-day"! You just take it easy, pal. This isn't gonna hurt, not a bit. These guys are terrific doctors. Don't build him up too much, Radar. This is my first horse-ectomy. - Didn't you guys' own pets ever get sick? - Only pet I had was a stuffed owl. - A very true and loyal bird. - Give 'em a little cotton, and they're yours for life. - [Whinnies] - Don't you listen. They're just kidding. - Ready, Doctor? - As ready as I'll ever be. - [Whinnies] - Easy! Nice, nice fellow. Good. Good. Easy, pal. They're just gonna swab your behind in the back. That's all. How bad is it? - [Whinnies] - From point of entry, it looks like one piece of shrapnel. He'll be fine. You can bet him to win, place and live. - Got anything to calm him down? - I'm trying to give him a sedative. You got anything to calm me down? Will you hold on to him? - I am holding him! - [Whinnies] - Radar. - Easy, boy, easy, easy. - Watch it, watch it, watch it! - Radar! [Whinnies] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're in business for yourself, Radar! - Did he kick you? - No. He just missed the lavalier. - He's all calmed down now. - Forget it. He's crazy. - He's crazy. - What? He's only human. Anyway, the sedative worked. His eyes are all glazed over. - That's not the end we're worried about. - But he needs you! - No. Radar... - Oh, please? - No, no. - Come on. He needs you. Please? [Man Over P.A. System] Attention. A bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjom. After six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. And North Korea... have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound... are to be 32 feet, 61/4 inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace. Radar, the longer you keep him, the more attached you're gonna get. - Maybe some farmer down in the village can take him. - Are you kidding? Have him pull some heavy wagon full of rocks and junk? I'm keeping him. - [B.J.] I don't think you can. - Colonel Blake let me keep pets. He let me keep Black Beauty. - Black Beauty was a hamster. - Potter's not Blake. - He'll never even know. - The man's ex-cavalry. If he spots four flies having a meeting, he knows they're talking about a horse. I'm not giving him up. Look at his eyes. He loves me. You don't even know his name, background, family. There's a difference in your ages. [Airplanes Roaring] Spit on the tips, Frank. Where is that wood carver? He promised to deliver the bust this morning. I told you not to pay in advance. I told you to pay half when we ordered it, and half on delivery. I didn't know. My wife usually handles these dumb things. Frank, you mention that person's name in this tent once more... and you'll never spit on my boots again. Sorry, Margaret. - [Knocking At Door] - Cho Man Chin. - Hello, lady and man. - It's about time! - You like rope around box? - Yes, yes, it's fine. Gift wrapped. I did a first-class job. - How do I look? - You have a little dandruff. - That's none of your business. - I'm also a hairdresser. You don't have any dandruff, Margaret. You got rid of most of it. - Where are you going? - I hate to miss the big moment. - You've been paid. Push off! - Please. An artist's life has so few rewards. Frank, I go on duty in ten minutes. - What's in the box, Frank? - None of your beeswax. A present for the colonel's anniversary. We should've gotten him something. Watches. Ballpoint pens. Look at this. Very valuable. Hitler's pencil box. [Potter's Voice] "And so, Mildred dear, I come to the end of this long letter. "Sorry we can't be together on our anniversary... "but my heart is always with you. Your ever loving Sherm." - [Knocking At Door] - Come in. [Together] Happy anniversary, Colonel! - Well! This is indeed a surprise! - B. J. And I didn't know, Colonel. - Yeah. We'd have gotten you something. - World Series ring? - You really shouldn't have done this. - Oh, it's nothing. This is from me and Major Burns. They had nothing to do with it. - Can't figure what this is. - May I, sir? The moment of truth. - Remember the day we took your picture, sir? Well... - Voila! - Hey, I like that.! - Hey, that's nice! It doesn't look like the colonel. - It looks like you. - It gives the colonel a little class. Well, I'm overwhelmed. I think it's a dandy likeness. - [Knocking At Door] - Come. Ah, sir? I have a present for your anniversary. This is turning into a real party! - Can I bring it in, sir? - Please. Wish Mother were here to enjoy all this. Oh... my! It's a horse, sir. Here's the keys. A beautiful horse. I don't know what to say, Radar. I want my money back. In American, and not that stuff I paid you. Shh. He can't be more than four years old. - Pretty nice, Radar. - At least I'll get to take care of him. - This calls for a drink. - At least. - [Radar] Sorry about that, sir. - That's disgusting! Son, to me, that's a tiptoe through the tulips. Good boy. [Man Over P.A. System] Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded. Both shifts to O.R. On the double. Incoming wounded. Let's get 'em, boys and girls! Let's get 'em! Paul. take a copy of that. Helena. you don't need one. All right. just a minute. Once again I've sat in at a Command Conference and listened to a cosy round of self-congratulations - "Aren't we doing well... Adapting. adjusting. coming to terms..." And once again I am shocked that we've not discussed a serious attempt to locate Earth and return. We can't waste time on something scientifically impossible. Impossible? The impossible takes just a little longer. that's all. Commander. Commissioner. we can't encourage false hope. All of us have had to come to terms with life here on Alpha. Hope is the key to morale. We should maintain it. Clank, Bobble. We're pleased as a pile of perfectly polished pots you're here. Uh... Me, too. Come on, Miss Bell. There's so much to show you. You've arrived at a most wondrous and glorious time. Really? Why? Why, it's almost time for the changing of the seasons. You see, here in Pixie Hollow, there are different realms for every time of year. Well, there's one up ahead. Winter Woods. It's always cold here. Look there! Snowflake and frost fairies returning home for... For some well-deserved rest. Aye. They've just finished bringing winter to the world. It's the off-season for the autumn fairies, too. Always practicing that perfect shade of amber, eh? And the fairies of Summer Glade still have plenty of time to get ready. But not as much as the autumn fairies, of course, because, well... Yes, Clanky. Because right now, fairies of every talent are preparing for my favorite season, springtime! Oh! Get along. Get along, little sproutlings, and dig. Hello, there! Come on, Miss Bell. You've got to see where we live. Welcome to Tinker's Nook. Oh, wow! Oh. Come on. There's so much to show you. Cute. Just taking some supplies down... They're taking supplies down to the workshop. Let her go. Watch out for falling... Watch out for falling maple seeds! Wow! And over here is where most of us live. There's your house... There's your house, Tinker Bell. - It's mine? - Sure is. We were hoping the new arrival would be one of us, so we got the place all ready. We rounded up some work clothes... - We didn't know your size. - Yes, our apologies, but... - But they might be too big. - Yeah, well, that's only... 'Cause you're so tiny. That'll do, Clank. Please come on down to the workshop when you're ready. Fairy Mary will want to meet you. Goodbye. Oh. Stop! What? A five-gauge twig for an axle? Clank, I told you it took a seven. Oh, you said five. I said seven! Oh, Clank, I tell you, sometimes you can be pretty, pretty... So pretty. - Who's that, then? - It's Tinker Bell, you snail brain. Wow, everyone seems so busy. Well, spring won't spring itself. Indeed, my bellowing buddy. And we tinkers are a big part of it. Allow us to elucidate, Miss Bell. - We fiddle and fix. - We craft and create. - We carve acorn buckets. - To hold flower paint. - Weave saddles and satchels. - For birdies, you see. - Make baskets and bushels. - To carry the seeds! - When preparing for spring. - We do all this and more! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! That was great. So you see, Miss Bell, we help fairies of every talent with our creations. Unfortunately, all those fairies are out of luck this year. Unless we can actually deliver these things to them. The wagon repairs are finished, I trust? Yes, Fairy Mary. - Tip-top shape. - No wheels missing whatsoever! Then let's see it. - Ah, you see... Well... - See, - with your eyes? - Define "see," actually... - You have to meet Tinker Bell! - What? Who? - She's new, Fairy Mary. - Nice to meet you. Rapture! A new charge on whom we can lavish all our tinkering wisdom and expertise! Let me see those hands. Teetering teapots, so dainty. Don't worry, dear. We'll build up those tinker muscles in no time. Okay. - Now, boys, the deliveries? - Aye, we're on it. As a matter of fact, we're heading out right this second. - But we've only got one wheel. - What was that? Nothing really, Clank was just asking... If I can go as well! - Yeah! Good one. Very nice. - Yes! I wondered that, - if you could go with us. Yes. - That's exactly what he was saying. Very well. Get on with it, then. Slow down, Cheese, I can't keep up! The mouse's name is Cheese? Must be. He always comes when we yell it. Sprinting thistles! Bobble! Bobble! Easy. Easy, boy. It's all right. Fawn's got you. Easy. Easy, girl. It's all right. Silvermist's got you. Oh, you all right, sugar cane? Be careful, Rosetta, she may faint! Elevate her legs. No, wait. I mean her head. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. If she's red, raise the head. If she's pale, raise the tail. Does she look pale or red? She looks squished. Sorry. Here, let me, raindrop. So, what happened to you, anyway? - Well, I... - It was sprinting thistles! Those weeds are an absolute menace. Always trampling things, poking people in the petunia. Gather round, ladies. We've brought some selections from the new spring line of tinker specialties! - All right! - Show us, show us! - What'd you bring? - Your rainbow tubes, Iridessa. Finally! Silvermist, could you help me? Oh. What're you gonna do with that? I'm gonna take it to the mainland. What's the mainland? It's where we're gonna go change winter to spring. The seasons change all the time there. I'll get to apply my artistic sensibilities. Yeah. And I'll have breakfast ready for all the wittle fuzzies coming out of hibernation. We just follow the second star... Ride the breeze, follow the waves... All the way across the sea... And then, there it is. Wow! The mainland sounds flitterific! Yes. The glamorous lives of the nature-talent fairies, eh? We'd love to stay and chat, but... But we tinkers have real work to do. Right? Don't get your wings in a bunch. - Don't be like that. Nice to meet you all! You, too! Fly with you later! - Fly with you later! Right! Here we are. A pretty large order of pollen pots for the... Last thing is berry bushels to deliver to the glen... Is it okay if I just catch up with you later? Oh, I suppose. Can you find your way back? - Yeah, yeah. Sure I can. - Well, I... - All right, then. - Just be careful! Hi, there! Sorry. Vidia, right? We didn't officially meet. I'm Tinker Bell. Oh, yes. The new girl. That's right! So, what's your talent? What do you think it is? You're a pollen-izer? Pollen-ator? Pollen-picker? Pollen-plucker? I am a fast-flying fairy, a true rare talent. And this is but a small part of what I do. I make breezes in the summer, blow down leaves in the fall. My winds even brought you here, dear. Fairies of every talent depend on me. Hey, that's just like what I do. Excuse me? I mean, tinkers help fairies of every talent, too. So we're kind of the same, you know? Sweetie, I make forces of nature. You make pots and kettles. I work up in the sky, and you work down in a ditch. Hey! Don't get me wrong, sunshine. Being a tinker is really swell and all, but I wouldn't go around bragging about your talent. It's not like spring depends on you. Of course it does! And when I go to the mainland, I'll prove just how important we are. When who goes to the mainland? Me, of course! For spring! Oh, of course. You'll prove it, huh? Yes, I will. Well, I, for one, am looking forward to that. Excuse me. No. Excuse me. "Mine is a rare talent." Ugh. Try and tell me tinkers don't matter. I'll show her what a rare talent really is, when I... Oh. - Hey, Tink, what you got there? - Oh, hi. I don't know. I just found them. Lost things. - Lost things. - Aye. Stuff gets lost and washes up on Neverland from time to time. You know, from the mainland. These come from the mainland? That place sounds more fascinating all the time. Berry bushels, check. Pollen pots, check. Lost things, check. Huh? Lost things? Why are you fiddling with that junk? Oh, um... Well, they were just so unusual. You mustn't be wasting your time with that rubbish. And I won't have it cluttering up my workshop. And as for you two, no more dilly-dallying around. And don't forget about the Queen's review tonight. Goodness, there's still so much to be done! Thank you. Sorry about your trinkets, Miss Bell. Well, we'd best be getting ready for the review, anyway. What is the Queen's review? You see, the Queen is going to review all the preparations for spring! Yeah, it's a good time for us tinkers to show what we can do, eh? - Oh, indeed. - Really? Like me. I can be a wheel. Hmm. Perfect. That's my chance. Okay, everybody, turn! Ready for the base coat over here! Splendid, splendid. Stack those neatly, plenty of time before the Queen arrives. It's the Queen! What? She's here? Now? Play, music fairies. Yes, play! Queen Clarion, Your Illustriousness! As Minister of Spring, I welcome you to Springtime Square. What? No fireworks, Minister? Oh, well, yeah, that could be arranged. Light fairies! Light fairies! I'm teasing. You always make such a fuss, and everything always turns out wonderfully. Well, I think you'll find that we have things well in hand. When the Everblossom blooms, we'll be ready to bring spring to the mainland! Music to my ears. I know you've all put in months of practice and preparation, but keep up the good work these last few days, - because just as fairies... - Queen Clarion! Huh? Queen Clarion! - Did I miss anything? - No, no, no. Phew! Good. It's all right. I came up with some fantastic things for tinkers to use when we go to the mainland. What's she talking about? Let me show you! First, baby chipmunks can't eat the whole nut, right? Their little teeth can't chew big bites. So you just crank back this lever, and it's... Whoops. - It's kind of a work in progress. - Yes, yes, yes. Very clever. Oh! And I made this, too. It's a flower-sprayer. - Tinker Bell, I... - Here, allow me to demonstrate. Sorry. - But wait till you see this last one. - Tinker Bell, sweetheart, has no one explained? Explained what? Tinker fairies don't go to the mainland, dear. What? All of those things are done by the nature-talent fairies. Your work is here in Pixie Hollow. - But I thought that... - I'm sorry, Tinker Bell. Oh, okay. No. No, that's good. I mean, I really couldn't make it anyway. So, good. Yeah. This actually works out good. I mean, well... So, I'm just gonna... Yeah. Back so soon? You didn't go? Goodness, no. Far too much work to do down here. Vidia was right. Being a tinker stinks. Excuse me? It's just, why don't we get to go to the mainland? The mainland? Who gives a pile of pebbles about the mainland? But, Fairy Mary, the other fairies get to go. Now, Tinker Bell, are you a garden fairy? Well, no. - Are you a light fairy? - No. Animal fairy? Water fairy, perhaps? No and no. No. You're not. You are a tinker. It's who you are. Be proud of it. The day you can magically make the flowers grow, or capture the rays of the sun and whatnot, then you can go. Until then, your work is here. Good idea, Fairy Mary. Get your pixie dust yet? Just did. - Nice day for flying. - Sure is. Here you go, Silvermist. Thank you, Terence. I hope Tinker Bell is okay. I know. That poor little sapling. She looked pretty wilted yesterday. Well, I wouldn't blame her if she stayed in bed all day. Morning, girls! Tinker Bell? - Tinker Bell? Guess what? I've decided I'm not gonna be a tinker fairy anymore. - What? - What? Well, I was thinking. Why do I have to be a tinker? Just 'cause some silly hammer glowed? I mean, who's to say it wasn't some big mistake? Maybe I can just switch my talent. Switch your talent? I don't know, Tinker Bell... If you could teach me your talents, any of them, maybe I could show the Queen I can work with nature, too. And then she'd let me go to the mainland for spring. Oh, Tinker Bell. That's just not how it works. - Well, maybe she could. - She's right. She could. Well, I've never heard of someone switching talents before. She's right. Me, neither. Look. You all do things that are beautiful and magical and important. But me, well, there's gotta be more to my life than just pots and kettles. All I'm asking is that you give me a chance. I'll help you, Tinker Bell. Thank you, Sil. Me, too. Could be fun. Well, first time for everything, I guess. What harm can come from trying? Well, I still think this is a bad idea. So, for your first day of water fairy training, I could show you how to make ripples in the pond. Okay! Or teach you how to talk to the babbling brook. Oh, that sounds fun, too. Or wait, wait, wait. I got it, I got it, I got it! Dewdrops on spider webs! Come on. I'll show you how to do it. - Good luck, Tink! - You can do it! Oh, um... Go get 'em. Just cup your hands like this, reach into the water, and... Okay, you've heard of a dewdrop? This is a don't drop. That's water fairy humor. It's good. Come on. Okay, Tink, now, this next part can be a little tricky. It takes a very steady, delicate hand to... Where's your dewdrop? Oh. Forgot my dewdrop. Hey! I did it. Shake that one off. Shake it off. You can do this! That's it. That's it, Tink. You're doing it! You're... Now, Tink, try to... No, no, sweetie, you need to... Well, maybe if you... Well, you have to admire her persistence. Tinker Bell! Although, sometimes hammers glow for a reason. Whoa. You know, you always struck me as a light fairy kind of gal. Here we go in the treasure... - Have you seen Tink? - No, thank you. Not thirsty! No, no. Not "drink," Tink! Pink? I like purple meself! Tink! Have you seen Tink? What? I do not stink! Maybe it's you, eh? Hey, have you seen Tink? - Fairy Mary's gonna be cross. - Aye, Clank. We'd better take some of this off Miss Bell's plate, so... - All right, then. - No, no, no! Wait, wait, Clank! What are... Will you two stop mucking about? - What Clank did was, he took it off... - Bobble told me that I should... I see Tinker Bell has got her work done, mysteriously. Where is she, anyway? Well, you see, she's... She went with Cheese to... No, no. Clank means she went to get cheese, you see, - the food, for Cheese the mouse... - Yes, the food, for Cheese the mouse. ...because he was whining. Yeah. Like a baby. Like a wittle, wee baby, there. Okay, what can I teach you that's gonna do the least amount of damage? Oh, I know. Follow me, Tinker Bell. The last light of day, it's the richest kind of all! Wait for it. Wait for it. Okay, and now! Oh, wow. Huh? It's incredible. Now for the fun part. - Do you think it's heavy? - No. It's light. Okay, okay. Stay. - Here, Tink. Let me... - No! I almost got it. If I just get you started... This is impossible! Look out! Oh, no. Whoa! I wonder how it's going. Fly, Tink, fly! Uh-oh. We'll save you, Tink! Bob and weave! Bob and weave! Cover your tushy! - We fiddle and fix. - Craft and create. - Carve acorn buckets. - To hold flower paint. - Preparing for spring. - We do all this and more. - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! Tinker Bell, I'd like a word with you. Fairy Mary! See, I was on my deliveries, and it's actually kind of... Save it. I know what you've been up to, missy. And I had such high hopes for you. - You'd do well to listen to her... - Why? So I can do this my whole life? I don't wanna be just a stupid tinker! No, no, not that you guys are... I didn't mean that... Guys, I wasn't... I have to go. Now, flap them. Flap them. That's it! Have fun! Hey, Tink! You ready? A little nervous, actually. Oh, don't be silly. Come on, you'll be fine. We're teaching baby birds how to fly. First, you have to get their attention. Smile and establish trust. See? Okay, open your wings, honey, and flap them up and down. Up and down. That's the way. Faster, faster. That's right. Yes! You're doing it! Okay. Come out this way a little bit. You're okay. You're okay. You got it. Keep flapping, keep flapping! Hey, why don't you help that last little guy? Okay, okay. Just smile and establish trust. Hi, there! Hey, little fella, you wanna do some flap-flap today? Oh, sure you do! All you do is, you just flap your wings, like this. No, no, no. None of that. Come on. All we got to do is... Ow! Look. I'm going to level with you, okay? I kind of bombed out on the whole water and light fairy things, and I'm starting to run out of options here. If you could see fit to flap your little wings and take flight for a few measly seconds, I might be able to go to the mainland and bring happiness to the world! What do you say? Wrong answer. If I end up making acorn kettles for the rest of my life, I am holding you personally responsible. Hey, hey. Look at this! Okay, just stop squirming. Would you just... Hey! Okay, okay, okay. I'm letting go. I am letting go. This is not working. Hey, maybe that guy can help. He's a really good flyer. Hey, up there! Hawk! - What's happening? - Quick, hide! Look out! A hawk! Tinker Bell's in trouble! - Hey! - Vidia? This is my hiding spot! But it's all yours, now. No! - Get him! - Get him! What? - You all right? So scary. Are you okay, Vidia? - Let me help you. - Don't touch me! I'm fine! - But I was only trying to help. - Well, stop trying. Tinker Bell... I can't hold water. I can't hold light. Birds hate me. I'm just so useless! Tink. Great. I failed for the third time in a row. At this rate, I should get to the mainland right about... Oh... Never! Huh? Yes! Sil! Beautiful. You fixed it! - Wow! Beautiful! - Amazing! What are you guys doing here? It might be the sparkliest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of sparkly things! It's a really pretty thingy. What is it? I don't know. I just found it. Tinker Bell, don't you even realize what you're doing? You're tinkering! What? No, no, this isn't... I was just... Creating those gadgets, figuring things out, fixing stuff like this, that's what tinkering is, sweetie! Don't you like doing this? Isn't it what you really love? Yeah! Who cares about going to the mainland, anyway? Well, I do, remember? I want to see where these things come from. Why are you saying this? Are you just giving up on me? I mean, aren't you going to teach me to be a garden fairy anymore? Sweet pea, I think this is your talent. Tink, we just want you to be happy. If you really want me to be happy, you'll help me get to the mainland like you promised. Please, Tinker Bell, just think about it. Will you teach me how to be a fast-flying fairy? Please? I know I could do it! With your help, I could be flying as fast as you in no time. Vidia, you're my last hope. All my friends have given up on me. Rosetta won't even try to teach me to be a garden fairy now. I bet I could at least paint some flowers or plant some sproutlings. I mean, there must be something I could do. Or if you really want to be a garden fairy... Capture the sprinting thistles. Well, okay. I can do this. Yeah! Okay. Ready, Cheese? Come on. They're just weeds. Besides, there were only seven or eight at the most, right? Hyah! We can do this. I know we can do this. What do you say? Attaboy. This ought to be good. Hey! Come on, you! Oh, come on! Just a bit this way! It's working! It's working! Come on! Wait, wait, wait. Come back! Come back! These things just won't listen! Come on, Cheese. Go, go, go! Okay, definitely more than eight. Please file into the corral in an orderly manner! Wait! Oh, no! Come on! Come on, now. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. So sorry. This is the last batch. Look out! Sorry. Sorry! Oh, no. Tink. What happened? - I... - Tinker Bell, what did you think you were doing? I was just... I was just trying to... I thought if I could capture the thistles, then... There isn't a garden fairy alive who can control those weeds! - What were you trying to prove? - I... She's right, Tink. This has all gone too far. By the second star! All the preparations for spring... How did this... Queen Clarion, it was me. I did it. It was all my fault. Tinker Bell. I... I'm sorry. I don't think we can fix this in time. We're going to have to cancel spring, or postpone it at the very least. What, and put my snowflake fairies back to work? Oh, no. But we can't! We can't do that! If the snow isn't melted, the seedlings won't grow, the fruit won't ripen in the summer... And in the autumn, there will be nothing to harvest. Spring must happen on time, or the balance of nature will be undone! There must be something we can do! Certainly this has happened before! It has! Did you ever hear of the Ice Age? Settle down, all of you. Fairy Mary, is it even possible to redo everything in such a short time? - No. - Oh, no. We were so close, and now it's all gone. Who's going to paint our leaves now? The apples and pumpkins will never grow. No rolling hills covered in daffodils? And it took months to harvest all those seeds! Animals waking from hibernation will have nothing to eat! You okay, Tink? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just came hoping to get a quick refill. I'm going away for a while. Oh. - Well, how long you going to be gone? - Well, actually, forever. Forever? Well, in that case, a double scoop. Forever's a pretty long time, so I hear. Thanks, Terence. You know my name? Well, sure. Why wouldn't I? I don't know. I'm just a dust-keeper guy. I'm not exactly seen as the most important fairy in Pixie Hollow. Terence, what are you talking about? You're probably the most important one there is! Without you, no one would have any magic! Why, your talent makes you who you are! - You should be proud of it! I mean... - I am. I'd better get going. Hey, Cheese. "Be proud of your talent." What talent? I couldn't even get these silly things to work. Lost things. That's it! Attention, everyone! I'm afraid I have distressing news. There is no way spring can come on time. Months of work was lost, and it will take us months to restore it all. So when the Everblossom opens tomorrow, I'm afraid we will not be going to the mainland for spring. Wait! I know how we can fix everything! Tinker Bell? Tinker Bell, I don't think this is... Just hear me out. Please. You! How long does it take you to paint a ladybug? I don't know. 10, 15 minutes, I guess. See? We can build more. I can show you how. Making paint, gathering seeds, we can do it all in no time. We have to at least try! Wait a... Are we really gonna listen to her? She's the reason we're in this mess in the first place! But I can fix it. Yippee! Tinker Bell's going to save us with her dopey little doohickeys. - Hide the squirrels! - What is your problem, Vidia? Why do you think you're so much better than me? I am better than you, sweetie. I didn't ruin spring. At least now I'm trying to help. Have you ever helped anyone besides yourself? Well, I tried to help you! Maybe I should have told you to capture the hawk instead of the thistles! Perhaps Tinker Bell was not the only one responsible. It seems to me that your fast-flying talent is well-suited to chasing down each and every one of the thistles. Me? Yes. And I expect them all to be returned to Needlepoint Meadow as soon as possible. But that could take forever! Then I suggest you get started. Now, Tinker Bell, are you sure you can do this? Yes. Because I'm a tinker. It's who I am. And tinkers fix things. But I can't do it alone. Command us, Miss Bell. - I'll help. - Show us how, Tink! - I'll help you. - Me, too! Okay, gather up all the twigs you can, all different sizes, and tree sap. We need lots of that. But most importantly, we need to find lost things. Okay, what have you got? - How about this? - Will this do? Can you use this fuzzy thing, Miss Bell? - Oh, yeah! - It's not fuzzy. - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. Twig. Hammer. Magnification, please. Thank you. And that's how you do it! Now, what do you suppose the... You smell funny. Oh! - I saw it first. - I bumped into it. Just tie this off here. So, you just squeeze this, then let it go, and... See? Simple! Now, just put the berries in, and we'll have plenty of paint in no time! Six, seven and eight. You did it, Tinker Bell. You saved spring. We all did it. Queen Clarion? Can't Tink come with us to the mainland? Yeah, she's done so much for everyone. No, no, you guys, really. I don't need to go. Buttercup, it's what you wanted. It's okay. My work is here. And I still have so much to do. I gotta... Not here, you don't! Well... But I don't... Surprise, Miss Bell. We found your tiny dancer! Actually, I ran across this myself many seasons ago. I didn't have a clue what it was or how to fix it. But you did, Tinker Bell. You are quite a rare talent indeed. And I'd imagine there's a little girl out there who's missing this. What do you mean? How... I think that perhaps a certain tinker fairy might have a job to do after all, on the mainland. You mean, I... I knew you'd get to go! - Oh, Tink! - We can help, Miss Bell. - We can help. I'm strong. I'm so happy for you. Come on. We gotta go line up. Thank you, Your Highness. But how will I find who it belongs to? You'll know. Now go! Good heavens. Thank you. Tink. Hey, something to help you on the mainland. Terence, that's so sweet. Good luck, Tink. To the air, fairies! To the air! The mainland awaits! Come away with me now to the sky Up o'er the hills and the sea Far beyond where our memories lie To a place where I'm free to be me Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true The blanket of snow is all gone Each flower waits for the sun And the whispering tears of the rain Holds promise for everyone Then come away with me friends No matter where you call your home With a light in our hearts We will never part Fairies to the north! Fairies to the south! To the east and west! Deep in the forest we go The creatures are all fast asleep Wake up, sleepyheads! Come on! There you go. Good squirrel. With a kiss and a wink we will waken our souls While always their safety we'll keep And then, then we'll dance through the night Till the sunbeams sparkle at dawn And away we will go Like last winter's snow Soon our work will be done Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true So to yourself be true Mummy! Guess what, guess what! Yes, Wendy. What is it, darling? A fairy's work is much more than, at first, it might appear. You did it! Suppose your broken clock ticks, though it hasn't in a year. Perchance you find a toy you lost, or jingling bells you hear. It all means that one very special fairy might be near. Watch all the flowers dance with the wind Listen to snowflakes whisper your name Feel all the wonder lifting your dreams You can fly Fly to who you are Climb upon your star You believe you'll find your wings Fly to your heart Touch every rainbow painting the sky Look at the magic glide through your life A sprinkle of pixie dust circles the night You can fly Fly to who you are Climb upon your star When you believe you'll find your wings Fly You can fly To your heart Rise to the heights of all you can be Soar on the hope of marvelous things Fly to who you are Climb upon your star When you believe you'll find your wings Fly Everywhere you go Your soul will find a home You'll be free to spread your wings Fly You can fly To your heart Have you ever wondered how Nature gets its glow? Who gives it light and colour as the seasons come and go? Who helps all creatures great and small... to walk, to swim, to fly? Who crafts such tiny details? You might see them if you try... For it's all the work of fairies, but they stay well out of sight... The first time that a baby laughs, a fairy's life takes flight... When the moon comes up to shine her face... and the birds are fast asleep... And the mountains hang from every post, The fairies leave their keep! They join their hands and sing their songs, The mariners all can hear! In the springtime when the earth is new, The fairies might draw near! The fairies might draw near! TINKER BELL - Hello! - Hello? Queen Clarion! Born of laughter, clothed in cheer, Happiness has brought you here! Welcome to Pixie Hollow! - I trust you found your way alright! - I... think so. Now let's see about those wings! They will help you find your talent, little one. - But how will I know which one is... - You'll know! I've never seen one glow that much before! Even for Vidia! You know, I do believe you're right! The little lazy tod might be a very rare talent indeed! Come forward, Tinker fairies and welcome... the newest member of your talent kin... Tinker Bell! - I'm glad we had a bath today! - Coming through! Make way for Tinkers! Hy-dy high, hy-dy how, Miss Bell! - I'm Clank! - Clank, say it, don't spray it! Amphilious T. Cattletree esquire, at your service! - Pleased to make your acquaintance! - Oh, boo... He's Boble, I'm Clank! Clank, Boble! We're pleased as a pair of perfectly polished pots you're here! Aaa... me, too! Come on, miss Bell, there's so much to show you! You've arrived at a most wonderous and glorious time! - Really? Why? - It's almost time for the changing of the seasons! You see, here in Pixie Hollow, there are different realms for every time of year! There's one up ahead! Winter Woods, it's always cold here! Look there! Snowflake and Frost fairies returning home... for some well-deserved rest! We've just finished bringing winter to the world. It's the up season for Autumn fairies, too. Always practicing their perfect shade of amber, hey. And the fairies of Summer still have plenty of time to get ready! Not as much as the Autumn fairies, of course, because... Yes, Clank, because right now fairies of every talent are preparing for my favorite season, Springtime. Get low, get low, little sproutings and dig. - Hello, there! - Come on, miss Bell, you've got to see where we live. Welcome to Tinker's Nuke! Come on, there's so much to show you. Oh, cute. Just taking some supplies down to the workshop. Let her go. Watch out for falling maple seeds! Wow. - And over here is where most of us live! - There's your house, Tinker Bell! - Ah, it's mine? - Sure is. We were hoping that your arrival would be of one of us, so we got the place all ready. - We rounded up some work clothes! - We did not know your size! - Our apologies. - They might be too big! - That's only because you're so tiny. - Please come on down to the workshop when you're ready. - Fairy Mary will want to meet you. - Good bye! - Stop! - What? Clank, I told you to take a seven. - You said five! - I said a seven! - Pretty! - So... Pretty. - Who's that then? - It's Tinker Bell, you snail brain! Wow, everyone seems so busy! Spring won't spring itself. Indeed my bellowing buddy and we Tinkers are a big part of it. Allow us to elucidate, miss Bell! - We fiddle and fix. - We craft and create. - We carve acorn buckets. - To hold flower paints. - With saddles and saches. - For birdies, you see. - We make baskets and bushels. - To carry the seeds. - We're preparing for spring. - We do all these and more. - Yes! - Because being a Tinker is never a bore. - That was great. - So you see, miss Bell, we help fairies of every talent with our creations. Unfortunately, all those fairies are out of luck this year! Unless we can actually deliver these things to them! - The wagon repairs are finished, I trust? - Yes, Fairy Mary. - They're top shaped. - No wheel is missing whatsoever. Then let's see it! - Define seeing actually! - With your eyes! - You have to meet Tinker Bell! - What? - Who? - She's new, Fairy Mary. - Nice to meet you! - Oh, rapture! A new charge on whom we can lavish all our... tinkering wisdom and expertise! Let me see those hands! Oh, so dainty! Don't worry, dear! We'll build up those Tinker muscles in no time! - Ok! - Now, boys, the deliveries! We're on it! As a matter of fact, we're heading out right this second! - But we've only got one wheel. - What was that? - Nothing really, Clank was just asking... - If... - I can go as well. - Yes! - I wondered that. - That's exactly what he was saying! Very well, get on with it, then! Slow down, Cheese. I can't keep up! - The mouse's name is Cheese? - It must be! He always comes when we yell it! Sprinting thistles! Aaa! Easy! Easy, boy! It's alright, Fawn's got you! Easy, easy girl, it's alright, Silvermist's got you! - Oh, you alright, sugar cake? - Be careful, Rosetta, she may faint! - Elevate her legs! - No, wait, I mean her head. Wait, wait, if she's red, raise the head, if she's pale, raise the tail. - Does she look pale or red? - She looks squished! - Sorry. - Here, let me, rain drop! So... what happened to you, anyway? - Well... - It was sprinting thistles! Those weeds are an absolute mess! Always trapping things, poking people in the petunia! Gather around, ladies! We've brought some selections from the new spring line of Tinkers' specialities! - Alright! - Show us! - Your rainbow tubes, Iridessa! - Finally! Silvermist, could you help me? - Wow, what are you going to do with that? - I'm gonna take it to the Mainland. - What's the Mainland? - It's where we are going to change winter to spring. The seasons change all the time there. I'll get to apply my artistic sensibilities. And I'll have breakfast ready for all the little fuzzies coming out of hibernation. We just follow the second star... We ride the breeze, we follow the waves... - All the way across the sea. - Then, there it is. Wow! The Mainland sounds flitterific! Yes, the glamorous lives of the Nature talent fairies! - We'd love to stay and chat... - But we Tinkers have real work to do! We know. Don't we like that! - Nice to meet you all. - You, too! Bye! Later! Right, here we are... a pretty large order of pollen pots for... - The last thing is... - Is it ok if I just catch up with you later? - I suppose. - Can you find your way back? Yeah, yeah, sure I can. - Alright then. - Just be careful! Hi, there... sorry... Vidia, right? We didn't officially meet. I'm Tinker Bell. - Oh, yes, the new girl. - That's right. - So, what's your talent? - What do you think it is? You're a poleniser? Polenator? Polen-picker? Polenflucker? I am a fast flying fairy. A true rare talent. And this is but a small part of what I do. I make breezes in the summer. I blow down leaves in the fall. My winds even brought you here, dear. Fairies of every talent depend on me. - Hey, that's just like what I do. - Excuse me? I mean Tinkers help fairies of every talent, too, so... We're kind of the same, you know? Sweetie, I make forces of Nature. You make pots and kettles. I work up in the sky and you work down in a ditch. - Hey! - Don't get me wrong, sunshine! Being a tinker is really swell and all, but I wouldn't go... around bragging about your talent! It's not like spring depends on you! Of course it does! And when I go to the Mainland, I'll prove just how important we are! - When who goes to the Mainland? - Me, of course! - For spring! - Oh, of course! - You'll prove it, huh? - Yes, I will.. Well, I for one, am looking forward to that. Excuse me. No, excuse me. Mine is a rare talent! A! Don't tell me Tinkers don't matter. I'll show her what rare talent really is when I'll... - Hey, Tink. What you got there? - Oh, hi. - I don't know, I just found them. - Lost things. Uuu, lost things! Hey, stuff gets lost and washes up on Neverland from day to day. - You know, from the Mainland. - These come from the Mainland? That place sounds more fascinating all the time. Fairy potions, checked! Polen pots, checked! Lost things, checked! Lost things? Why are you fiddling with that junk? They were just so... unusual! You should not be wasting your time with that rubbish. And I won't have it cluttering up my workshop. And as for you two... No more dilly-dallying around! And don't forget about the queen's review tonight. Goodness! There's still so much to be done! Thank you! Sorry about your trinkets, miss Bell. Well, we best be getting ready for the review, anyway. - What is the queen's review? - You see, the queen... is going to review all the preparations for spring. - It is a good time for us Tinkers to show what we can do, hey? - Indeed! - Really? - Like me, I can be a wheel! Perfect. That's my chance. Ok, everybody, turn! Ready for the phase code over here! A, splendid, splendid. There's plenty of time before the queen arrives. - A! It's the queen! - What? She's here? Now? Play, Music fairies. Play. Queen Clarion, your illustriousness, as minister pf spring. I welcome you to Springtime Square. - What? No fireworks, minister? - A, well, that could be arranged! - Light fairies, light fairies. - I'm teasing you. You always make such a fuss and everything turns out wonderfully. Well, I think that you'll find that we have things well in hand. The ever-blossom blooms will be ready to bring spring to the Mainland. Music to my ears. I know you all put in months of practice and preparation. But keep up the good work these last few days because just as fairies... Queen Clarion! Queen Clarion! Did I miss anything? - No, no, no. - Good. It's alright. I came up with some fantastic things for Tinkers to use when we go to the Mainland. Let me show you. First, baby chipmunks can't eat the whole nut, right? Their little teeth can't chew big bites. So, you just crank back this lever and its... Ups... It's kind of a work in progress! Yes, yes, yes, very clever. Oh, and I made this, too. It's a flower-sprayer. - Tinker Bell, I... - Allow me to demonstrate! Sorry! - But, but, wait till you see this last one! - Tinker Bell! Sweetheart, has no one explained? Explain what? - Tinker fairies don't go to the Mainland, dear. - What? All of those things are done by the Nature talent fairies! Your work is here, in Pixie Hollow! - But... but I thought that... - I'm sorry, Tinker Bell! Ok, no, no, that's good! I mean I couldn't make it, anyway, so... Good, this actually works out good. I mean well, so I... I'm just gonna... yeah. Back so soon? - You didn't go? - Goodness, no. Far too much work to do down here! Vidia was right. - Being a Tinker stinks! - Excuse me? It's just that... why don't we get to go to the Mainland? Oh, the Mainland? Who gives a pile of pebbles about the Mainland? But Fairy Mary, the other fairies get to go. Now, Tinker Bell, are you a garden fairy? - Well, no. - Are you a light fairy? - No. - Animal fairy? - Water fairy perhaps? - No and no. No, you're not. You are a Tinker. It's who you are. Be proud of it. The day you can magically make the flowers grow, or capture the rays of the sun, then you can go. Until then your work is here. Good idea, Fairy Mary. - Here you go, Silvermist. - Thank you, Terrence. - Oh, I hope Tinker Bell is ok. - I know that, poor little sapling. She looked pretty wilted yesterday. - I wouldn't blame her is she stayed in bed all day. - Good morning, girls! - Tinker Bell! - Guess what? I've decided I'm ... - ...not gonna be a tinker fairy anymore! - What? Well, I was thinking. Why do I have to be a tinker? Because some silly hammer glowed? I mean who's to say it wasn't some big mistake? - Maybe I can just switch my talent! - Switch your talent? I don't know, Tinker Bell! If you could teach me your talents, any of you, maybe I... could show the queen I can work with nature, too. And then she would let me go to the Mainland for spring! Tinker Bell, that's just not how it works. - Well, maybe she could. - She's right, she could! - Well, I've never heard of someone switching talents before. - She's right, me neither! Look, you all do things that are beautiful and magical and important but me, well, there's got to be more to my life than just pots and kettles... All I'm asking is that you give me a chance! I'll help you, Tinker Bell! - Thank you so... - Me, too! - Me, too. Could be fun! - Well, first time for everything, I guess! - What harm could come from trying? - Well... I still think this is a bad idea. So, for your first day of Water fairy training, I could... Show you how to make dripples in the pond. - Ok. - Or... teach you how to talk to the babbling brook! - That sounds fun, too. - Wait, wait, I got it! I got it! Dew-drops on spider-webs! - Come on, I'll show you how to do it! - Good luck, Tink! - You can do it! - Aaa... Go get them! Just cup your hands like this, reach into the water, and ok, you heard of the dew-drop? This is a dow-drop. That's water-fairy humour. - It's good. - Come on! Ok, Tink, now this next part could be a little tricky! It takes a very steady, delicate hand to... - Aaa... Where is your dew-drop? - Oh! Forgot my dew-drop. Hey, I did ... it. Shake that one off! Shake it off! You can do this! That's it! - That's it, Tink, you're doing it! - Good... - Uuu... - Now, Tink... try to... oh, no, sweetie... - You need to... maybe if you... - Well, you have to admire her persistence. - Tinker Bell! - You know, sometimes hammers glow for a reason. You know, you always struck me like a light fairy kind of girl. - Have you seen Tink? - No, thank you, not thirsty. No, no, not drink, Tink! - Pink? Well, I'm purple myself! - Tink! Have you seen Tink? What? I do not stink! Maybe it's you, hey! Hey, have you seen Tink? Oh, Fairy Mary is gonna be crossed. We'd better take some of these off miss Bell's plate. - Right. - No, no, no, wait! Was it a... Would you two stop mocking about? - Clunk here... - You see, Bobble... I see Tinker Bell has got her work done mysteriously! - Where is she, anyway? - Oh, you see, she's... She went with Cheese to... No, no, Clunk means... she went to get cheese. - The food for Cheese the mouse! - yes, the food for Cheese! - Because the mouse... he was... whining! - Like a baby! A wee-baby! Ok, what can I teach you that's gonna do the least amount of damage? Oh, I know! Follow me, Tinker Bell! Wow, the last light of day! It's the richest kind of all! Wait for it, wait for it... Oh, ok and now! Oh, wow! Oh! - It's incredible! - Now, for the fun part! - Hum, do you think it's heavy? - No, it's light! Ha-ha! Ok, ok! - Stay! - Here, Tink, let me! - No, I almost got it! - I could just get it started! This is impossible! Look out! Oh, no! Ooo! Aaa! I wonder how it's going! Fly, Tink, fly! - We'll save you, Tink! - Cover your... tushy! To hold flower paint! - Preparing for spring! - We do all these and more! - Yes! - Because being a Tinker is never a bore! - Tinker Bell, I'd like a word with you! - Fairy Mary! You see, I was on my deliveries and... it's actually kind of a... Save it! I know what you've been up to, missy! And I had such high hopes for you! - You would do well to listen to her! - Why? So I can do this for the rest of my life? ! I don't wanna be just a stupid tinker! No, no! Not that you guys are... I didn't mean that... guys, I wasn't... I have to go. Now flap them! Flap them, that's it! Have fun! Hey, Tink! You're ready? A little nervous... actually! Don't be silly, come on, you'll be fine! We're teaching baby-birds how to fly. First, you have to get their attention. Smile and establish trust. See? Ok. Open your wings, honey and flap them. Up and down, up and down, that's the way! Faster! Faster, that's right! Yes, you're doing it! Ok, now, come out this way a little bit. You're ok, you're ok. You got it! Keep flaping! Keep flaping! Hey, why don't you help that last little guy? Ok, ok, just smile and establish trust. Hi there! Hey, little fella... You wanna do some flap-flap today? Oh, sure you do... all you do is you just... You just flap your wings like this! No, no, no, no, no! None of that, come on! Look, I'm gonna level with you, ok? I kind of bummed down on the whole water and light fairy things. I'm starting to run out of options here. If you could see fit to flap your little wings and take flight for a few measly seconds, I might be able to go to the mainland and bring happiness to the world! What do you say? Wrong answer! Oh, if I get stuck making acorn kettles for the rest of my life, - I'm holding you personally responsible. - Hey, hey! Look at this! Stop squirming! Just... Hey! Ok, ok, I'm letting go! I am letting go! This is not working! Hey, maybe that guy can help. He's a really good flyer. Hey, up there! Hawk! Quick, hide! A hawk! Tinker Bell is in trouble! - Vidia! - Hey, this is my hiding spot! But it's all yours now. Aaa! Aaa! Get him! - Are you ok, Vidia? - Aaa... - Let me help you! - Don't touch me! - I'm fine! - I was only trying to help! Stop trying! - Tinker Bell... - Ha! I can't hold water, I can't hold light, birds hate me... - I'm just so... so useless. - Tink! Great! I failed for the third time in a row. At this rate, I should get to the Mainland right about never! Sil... Beautiful! - You fixed it! - Wow! - Amazing! - What are you guys doing here? It might be sparkliest thing I've ever seen! - And I've seen a lot of sparkly things! - It's a really pretty thingy! - What is it? - I don't know. I just found it! Tinker Bell, don't you ever realize what you're doing? You're tinkering! Creating those gadgets, figuring things out, fixing stuff, like this! That's what tinkering is, sweetie. Don't you like doing this? Isn't it what you really love? - Yeah, who cares about going to the Mainland, anyway? - Well, I do, remember? I wanna see where these things come from! Why are you saying this, so you're just giving up on me? I mean aren't you going to teach me to be a garden fairy anymore? Oh, sweetie, I think this is your talent! Tink, we just want you to be happy. If you really want me to be happy, you'd help me get to the Mainland, like you promissed! Please, Tinker Bell, just... just think about it! Will you teach me how to be a fast-flying fairy? Please! I know I could do it! With your help, I could be flying as fast as you in no time! Vidia, you're my last hope! All my friends have given up on me! Rosetta won't even try to teach me to be a garden fairy now! I bet I could at least paint some flowers or plant some sproutings! There must be something I could do! Or if you really want to be a garden fairy... Capture the sprinting thistles! Aaa! Well! Ok, I can do this! Yeah! Ok! Ready, Cheese? Oh, come on! They're just wheeds! Besides, they're only 7 or 8 at the most, right? We can do this! I know we can do this! What do you say? This ought to be good! Hey! Come on, you! Come on, just... This way! Ah, it's working! It's working! Ha! Come on! Aaa! Wait, wait, wait! Come back! Come back! Ah, these things just won't listen! Come on, Cheese, go, go, go! Hey, definitely more than eight! Please, file and get to the ground in an orderly manner! Wait! Oh, no! Come on! Sorry, sorry! Excuse me! I'm so sorry! This is the last patch! Look out! Sorry! Sorry! - Oh, no! - Tink, what happened? - Tinker Bell, what did you think you were doing? - I was just... I was just trying to... I thought that if I could capture the thistles, then... There isn't a garden fairy alive who can control those wheeds! - What were you trying to prove? - I... She's right, Tink, this is all gone too far! By the second star! All the preparations for spring! How did this... Queen Clarion! It... It was me! I did it! - It's all my fault! - Tinker Bell! I'm sorry! I don't think we can fix this in time! We're going to have to cancel spring! Or postpone it, to the very least! What? And put my fairies back to work? But we can't, we can't do that! If... The snow isn't melted, the... And then in autumn, there will be nothing to harvest! Spring must happen on time, or the balance of nature will be undone! - There must be something we can do! - Certainly this has happened before! - It has, did you ever hear of the Ice Age? - Settle down! All of you! Fairy Mary, is it even possible to redo everything in such a short time? - No! - Oh, no! We were so close, now it's all gone! Who's going to paint our leaves now? - Plants will never grow! - No more hills covered in daffodils? - You're ok, Tink? - Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'm fine! I just came hoping to get a quick refill! - I'm going away for a while. - Oh, how long are you going to be gone? - Well, actually, forever! - Forever? Well... In that case... A double scoop! - Forever is a pretty long time, so I hear! - Thanks, Terrence! - You know my name? - Well, sure. Why wouldn't I? I don't know. I'm just a dust keeper guy. I'm not exactly seen as the most important fairy in Pixie Hollow! Terrence, what are you talking about? You're probably the most important one there is! Without you, no one would have any magic. Your talent makes who you are! You should be proud of it! I am! I... I... I'd better get going! Oh, oh, hey, Cheese! Be proud of your talent! What talent? I couldn't even get these silly things to work! Aaa... Lost things! That's it! Attention, everyone! I'm afraid I have distressing news! There is no way spring can come on time! Months of work was lost. And it will take us months to restore it all. So when the ever blossom opens tomorrow, I'm afraid we will not be going to the... Mainland for spring. Wait! I know how we can fix everything! Tinker Bell? - Tinker Bell, I don't think this is... - Just hear me out. Please! ... You! How long does it take you to paint a ladybug? I don't know. Ten, 15 minutes, I guess! See? We can build more! I can show you how! Making paints, gathering seeds, we can do it all in no time! - We have to at least try! - Wait! Are we going to listen to her? She's the reason we're in this mess in the first place! - But I can fix... - Tinker Bell is going to save us, with her dopey little do-hickies! What is your problem, Vidia? Why do you think you're so much better than me? I am better than you, sweetie, I didn't ruin spring! At least now I'm trying to help! Have you ever helped anyone besides yourself? Well, I tried to help you! Maybe I should have told you to capture the hawk instead of the thistles! Perhaps Tinker Bell was not the only one responsible! It seems to me that your fast-flying talent is well suited to chasing down each and everyone of the thistles! - Me? - Yes. And I expect them all to be returned to Neddlepoint Meadow as soon as possible! But... but that could take forever! Then I suggest you get started! Now, Tinker Bell, are you sure you can do this? Yes! Because I'm a Tinker! It's who I am! And Tinkers fix things! But I can't do it alone! Command us, miss Bell! - I'll help! - Show us how, Tink! - I'll help you! - Me, too! Ok. Gather all the twigs you can, all different sizes! And tree-saps, we need lots of that! But most importantly, we need to find lost things! - Ok, what have you got? - How about this? - Will this do? - Can you use this fuzzy thing, miss Bell? - Oh, yeah! - It's not fuzzy! - Yes, it is! - No, it isn't! Twig! Hammer! Magnification, please! Thank you. And that's how you do it. Now what do you suppose that... - Aaa! - Aaa! - Oh... - Clunk! You smell funny! - Oh! - Uuu! - I saw it first! - I bumped into it! Let's tie this off here... so you just squeeze this. - Then let it go and... - Aaa! See? Simple! Now, just put the berries in and we'll have plenty of paint in no time! We did it! Six, seven and eight. Ohhh! You did it, Tinker Bell! You saved spring! - We all did it. - Queen Clarion! - Can't Tink come with us to the Mainland? - Yeah! - She's done so much for everyone! - No, no, you guys, really! - I don't need to go. - Buttercup, it's what you wanted. It's ok! My work is here and I still have so much to do. - Not here, you don't! - But I... - No but! - Surprise, miss Bell! We found your tiny dancer! Actually, I ran across this myself many seasons ago! I didn't have a clue what it was or how to fix it. You did, Tinker Bell! You are quite a rare talent indeed! And I imagine there's a little girl out there who's missing this. What do you mean? How...? I think that perhaps a certain Tinker fairy might have a job to do afterall. - On the Mainland! - You mean I... - I knew you can... - Oh, Tink! - Oh, we can help, miss Bell! - I'm strong! - Come on, we got to go right now! - Thank you, your highness! - But how will I find who it belongs to? - You'll know! Now, go! Thank you! Tink! Hey! Something to help you on the Mainland! Oh, Terrence, that's so sweet! - Good luck, Tink! - To the air, fairies! To the air! The Mainland awaits. Come away with me now, to the sky. Up on the hills and the sea, Far beyond, where memories lie, To a place where I'm free to believe! Oh, can you hear them all, No matter what Polly may do? Let the stars fill us all, And the moon craddle the soul, So to yourself be true! The blanket of snow is so cold, Each flower waits for the sun And the blissful tears of the rain! It's a promise for everyone! Then come away with me, friends, No matter where you come from! With a light in our hearts, We will never part, - No matter how far we go! - Fairies to the South! To the East and West! Deep in the forrest we go! - Wake up, sleepy heads! - Creatures are all fast asleep! With a kiss and a grim we will wake And always in safety we'll keep. And then we'll dance to the light, To the sun sparkles at dawn. And away we will go Like the last winter snow, Soon our work will be done! Oh, come with me you all! No matter wht Polly may do! So to yourself be true! Oh, come with me now you all, No matter what Polly may do! Let the stars fill us all And the moon cradle the soul! So to yourself be true! So to yourself be true! Aaa! Aaa! Mommy! Guess what? - Guess what? - Yes, Wendy, what is it, darling? A fairy's work is much more than at first it might appear! Suppose your broken clock ticks, though it hasn't in a year! Perchance you found a toy you lost or gingling bells you hear! It all means that one very special fairy might be near! Have you ever wondered how nature gets its glow? Who gives it light and colour as the seasons come and go? Who helps all creatures, great and small, to walk, to swim, to fly? Who crafts such tiny details? You might see them if you try. For it's all the work of fairies, but they stay well out of sight. And the first time that a baby laughs, a fairy's life takes flight. When the moon comes out To shine her face The birds are fast asleep And the lanterns hang from every post The fairies leave their keep They join their hands and sing their songs That nary a soul can hear In the springtime when the earth is new To the fairies they draw near To the fairies they draw near - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hi. - Hello. - Hello. Hello? Queen Clarion. Born of laughter, clothed in cheer, happiness has brought you here. Welcome to Pixie Hollow. I trust you found your way all right. I think so. Now, let's see about those wings. What are these things? They will help you find your talent, little one. But how will I know which one is... You'll know. Never seen one glow that much before, even for Vidia. You know, I do believe you're right. Little daisy top might be a very rare talent indeed. Come forward, Tinker fairies, and welcome the newest member of your talent guild, Tinker Bell. Glad we had a bath today, eh, Clank? - Excuse us! - Coming through! Sorry! Make way for tinkers! Hady-hi, hady-ho, Miss Bell. I'm Clank. Splinters, Clank. Say it, don't spray it. Phineas T. Kettletree, Esquire, at your service. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Oh, foo! He's Bobble, I'm Clank. Clank, Bobble. We're pleased as a pile of perfectly polished pots you're here. Me, too. Come on, Miss Bell. There's so much to show you. You've arrived at a most wondrous and glorious time. Really? Why? Why, it's almost time for the changing of the seasons. You see, here in Pixie Hollow, there are different realms for every time of year. Well, there's one up ahead. Winter Woods. It's always cold here. Look there! Snowflake and frost fairies returning home for... For some well-deserved rest. Aye. They've just finished bringing winter to the world. It's the off-season for the autumn fairies, too. Always practising that perfect shade of amber, eh? And the fairies of Summer Glade still have plenty of time to get ready. But not as much as the autumn fairies, of course, because, well... Yes, Clanky. Because right now, fairies of every talent are preparing for my favourite season, springtime! Get along. Get along, little sproutlings, and dig. Hello, there! Come on, Miss Bell. You've got to see where we live. Welcome to Tinker's Nook. Oh, wow! Come on. There's so much to show you. Cute. Just taking some supplies down... They're taking supplies down to the workshop. Let her go. Watch out for falling... Watch out for falling maple seeds! Wow! And over here is where most of us live. There's your house... There's your house, Tinker Bell. - It's mine? - Sure is. We were hoping the new arrival would be one of us, so we got the place all ready. We rounded up some work clothes... - We didn't know your size. - Yes, our apologies, but... - But they might be too big. - Yeah, well, that's only... 'Cause you're so tiny. That'll do, Clank. Please come on down to the workshop when you're ready. Fairy Mary will want to meet you. Goodbye. Stop! What? A five-gauge twig for an axle? Clank, I told you it took a seven. Oh, you said five. I said seven! Oh, Clank, I tell you, sometimes you can be pretty, pretty... So pretty. - Who's that, then? - It's Tinker Bell, you snail brain. Wow, everyone seems so busy. Well, spring won't spring itself. Indeed, my bellowing buddy. And we tinkers are a big part of it. Allow us to elucidate, Miss Bell. - We fiddle and fix. - We craft and create. - We carve acorn buckets. - To hold flower paint. - Weave saddles and satchels. - For birdies, you see. - Make baskets and bushels. - To carry the seeds! - When preparing for spring. - We do all this and more! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! That was great. So you see, Miss Bell, we help fairies of every talent with our creations. Unfortunately, all those fairies are out of luck this year. Unless we can actually deliver these things to them. The wagon repairs are finished, I trust? Yes, Fairy Mary. - Tip-top shape. - No wheels missing whatsoever! Then let's see it. - Ah, you see... Well... - See, - with your eyes? - Define "see," actually... - You have to meet Tinker Bell! - What? Who? - She's new, Fairy Mary. - Nice to meet you. Rapture! A new charge on whom we can lavish all our tinkering wisdom and expertise! Let me see those hands. Teetering teapots, so dainty. Don't worry, dear. We'll build up those tinker muscles in no time. Okay. - Now, boys, the deliveries? - Aye, we're on it. As a matter of fact, we're heading out right this second. - But we've only got one wheel. - What was that? Nothing really, Clank was just asking... If I can go as well! - Yeah! Good one. Very nice. - Yes! I wondered that, - if you could go with us. Yes. - That's exactly what he was saying. Very well. Get on with it, then. Slow down, Cheese, I can't keep up! The mouse's name is Cheese? Must be. He always comes when we yell it. Sprinting thistles! Bobble! Bobble! Easy. Easy, boy. It's all right. Fawn's got you. Easy. Easy, girl. It's all right. Silvermist's got you. Oh, you all right, sugar cane? Be careful, Rosetta, she may faint! Elevate her legs. No, wait. I mean her head. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. If she's red, raise the head. If she's pale, raise the tail. Does she look pale or red? She looks squished. Sorry. Here, let me, raindrop. So, what happened to you, anyway? - Well, I... - It was sprinting thistles! Those weeds are an absolute menace. Always trampling things, poking people in the petunia. Gather round, ladies. We've brought some selections from the new spring line of tinker specialties! - All right! - Show us, show us! - What'd you bring? - Your rainbow tubes, lridessa. Finally! Silvermist, could you help me? What're you gonna do with that? I'm gonna take it to the mainland. What's the mainland? It's where we're gonna go change winter to spring. The seasons change all the time there. I'll get to apply my artistic sensibilities. Yeah. And I'll have breakfast ready for all the wittle fuzzies coming out of hibernation. We just follow the second star... Ride the breeze, follow the waves... All the way across the sea... And then, there it is. Wow! The mainland sounds flitterific! Yes. The glamorous lives of the nature-talent fairies, eh? We'd love to stay and chat, but... But we tinkers have real work to do. Right? - Don't get your wings in a bunch. - Don't be like that. Nice to meet you all! - You, too! Fly with you later! - Fly with you later! Right! Here we are. A pretty large order of pollen pots for the... Last thing is berry bushels to deliver to the glen... Is it okay if I just catch up with you later? Oh, I suppose. Can you find your way back? - Yeah, yeah. Sure I can. - Well, I... - All right, then. - Just be careful! Hi, there! Sorry. Vidia, right? We didn't officially meet. I'm Tinker Bell. Oh, yes. The new girl. That's right! So, what's your talent? What do you think it is? You're a pollen-izer? Pollen-ator? Pollen-picker? Pollen-plucker? I am a fast-flying fairy, a true rare talent. And this is but a small part of what I do. I make breezes in the summer, blow down leaves in the fall. My winds even brought you here, dear. Fairies of every talent depend on me. Hey, that's just like what I do. Excuse me? I mean, tinkers help fairies of every talent, too. So, we're kind of the same, you know? Sweetie, I make forces of nature. You make pots and kettles. I work up in the sky, and you work down in a ditch. Hey! Don't get me wrong, sunshine. Being a tinker is really swell and all, but I wouldn't go around bragging about your talent. It's not like spring depends on you. Of course it does! And when I go to the mainland, I'll prove just how important we are. When who goes to the mainland? Me, of course! For spring! Oh, of course. You'll prove it, huh? Yes, I will. Well, I, for one, am looking forward to that. Excuse me. No. Excuse me. "Mine is a rare talent." Try and tell me tinkers don't matter. I'll show her what a rare talent really is, when I... - Hey, Tink, what you got there? - Oh, hi. I don't know. I just found them. Lost things. - Lost things. - Aye. Stuff gets lost and washes up on Neverland from time to time. You know, from the mainland. These come from the mainland? That place sounds more fascinating all the time. Berry bushels, check. Pollen pots, check. Lost things, check. Lost things? Why are you fiddling with that junk? Well, they were just so unusual. You mustn't be wasting your time with that rubbish. And I won't have it cluttering up my workshop. And as for you two, no more dilly-dallying around. And don't forget about the Queen's review tonight. Goodness, there's still so much to be done! Thank you. Sorry about your trinkets, Miss Bell. Well, we'd best be getting ready for the review, anyway. What is the Queen's review? You see, the Queen is going to review all the preparations for spring! Yeah, it's a good time for us tinkers to show what we can do, eh? - Oh, indeed. - Really? Like me. I can be a wheel. Perfect. That's my chance. Okay, everybody, turn! Ready for the base coat over here! Splendid, splendid. Stack those neatly, plenty of time before the Queen arrives. It's the Queen! What? She's here? Now? Play, music fairies. Yes, play! Queen Clarion, Your lllustriousness! As Minister of Spring, I welcome you to Springtime Square. What? No fireworks, Minister? Oh, well, yeah, that could be arranged. Light fairies! Light fairies! I'm teasing. You always make such a fuss, and everything always turns out wonderfully. Well, I think you'll find that we have things well in hand. When the Everblossom blooms, we'll be ready to bring spring to the mainland! Music to my ears. I know you've all put in months of practise and preparation, but keep up the good work these last few days, - because just as fairies... - Queen Clarion! Queen Clarion! - Did I miss anything? - No, no, no. Good. It's all right. I came up with some fantastic things for tinkers to use when we go to the mainland. What's she talking about? Let me show you! First, baby chipmunks can't eat the whole nut, right? Their little teeth can't chew big bites. So you just crank back this lever, and it's... - It's kind of a work in progress. - Yes, yes, yes. Very clever. And I made this, too. It's a flower-sprayer. - Tinker Bell, I... - Here, allow me to demonstrate. Sorry. - But wait till you see this last one. - Tinker Bell, sweetheart, has no one explained? Explained what? Tinker fairies don't go to the mainland, dear. What? All of those things are done by the nature-talent fairies. Your work is here in Pixie Hollow. - But I thought that... - I'm sorry, Tinker Bell. Oh, okay. No. No, that's good. I mean, I really couldn't make it anyway. So, good. Yeah. This actually works out good. I mean, well... So, I'm just gonna... Yeah. Back so soon? You didn't go? Goodness, no. Far too much work to do down here. Vidia was right. Being a tinker stinks. Excuse me? It's just, why don't we get to go to the mainland? The mainland? Who gives a pile of pebbles about the mainland? But, Fairy Mary, the other fairies get to go. Now, Tinker Bell, are you a garden fairy? Well, no. - Are you a light fairy? - No. Animal fairy? Water fairy, perhaps? No and no. No. You're not. You are a tinker. It's who you are. Be proud of it. The day you can magically make the flowers grow, or capture the rays of the sun and whatnot, then you can go. Until then, your work is here. Good idea, Fairy Mary. - Get your pixie dust yet? - Just did. - Nice day for flying. - Sure is. Here you go, Silvermist. Thank you, Terence. I hope Tinker Bell is okay. I know. That poor little sapling. She looked pretty wilted yesterday. Well, I wouldn't blame her if she stayed in bed all day. Morning, girls! - Tinker Bell? - Tinker Bell? Guess what? I've decided I'm not gonna be a tinker fairy any more. - What? - What? Well, I was thinking. Why do I have to be a tinker? Just 'cause some silly hammer glowed? I mean, who's to say it wasn't some big mistake? Maybe I can just switch my talent. Switch your talent? I don't know, Tinker Bell... If you could teach me your talents, any of them, maybe I could show the Queen I can work with nature, too. And then she'd let me go to the mainland for spring. Oh, Tinker Bell. That's just not how it works. - Well, maybe she could. - She's right. She could. Well, I've never heard of someone switching talents before. She's right. Me, neither. Look. You all do things that are beautiful and magical and important. But me, well, there's gotta be more to my life than just pots and kettles. All I'm asking is that you give me a chance. I'll help you, Tinker Bell. Thank you, Sil. Me, too. Could be fun. Well, first time for everything, I guess. What harm can come from trying? Well, I still think this is a bad idea. So, for your first day of water fairy training, I could show you how to make ripples in the pond. Okay! Or teach you how to talk to the babbling brook. Oh, that sounds fun, too. Or wait, wait, wait. I got it, I got it, I got it! Dewdrops on spider webs! Come on. I'll show you how to do it. - Good luck, Tink! - You can do it! Go get 'em. Just cup your hands like this, reach into the water, and... Okay, you've heard of a dewdrop? This is a don't drop. That's water fairy humour. It's good. Come on. Okay, Tink, now, this next part can be a little tricky. It takes a very steady, delicate hand to... Where's your dewdrop? Forgot my dewdrop. Hey! I did it. Shake that one off. Shake it off. You can do this! That's it. That's it, Tink. You're doing it! You're... Now, Tink, try to... No, no, sweetie, you need to... Well, maybe if you... Well, you have to admire her persistence. Tinker Bell! Although, sometimes hammers glow for a reason. You know, you always struck me as a light fairy kind of gal. - Have you seen Tink? - No, thank you. Not thirsty! - Have you seen Tink? - No, thank you. Not thirsty! No, no. Not "drink," Tink! Pink? I like purple meself! Tink! Have you seen Tink? What? I do not stink! Maybe it's you, eh? Hey, have you seen Tink? - Fairy Mary's gonna be cross. - Aye, Clank. We'd better take some of this off Miss Bell's plate, so... - All right, then. - No, no, no! Wait, wait, Clank! What are... Will you two stop mucking about? - What Clank did was, he took it off... - Bobble told me that I should... I see Tinker Bell has got her work done, mysteriously. Where is she, anyway? Well, you see, she's... She went with Cheese to... No, no. Clank means she went to get cheese, you see, - the food, for Cheese the mouse... - Yes, the food, for Cheese the mouse. ...because he was whining. Yeah. Like a baby. Like a wittle, wee baby, there. Okay, what can I teach you that's gonna do the least amount of damage? Oh, I know. Follow me, Tinker Bell. The last light of day, it's the richest kind of all! Wait for it. Wait for it. Okay, and now! Oh, wow. It's incredible. Now for the fun part. - Do you think it's heavy? - No. It's light. Okay, okay. Stay. - Here, Tink. Let me... - No! I almost got it. - If I just get you started... - This is impossible! Look out! Oh, no. I wonder how it's going. Fly, Tink, fly! We'll save you, Tink! - Bob and weave! Bob and weave! - Cover your tushy! - We fiddle and fix - Craft and create - Carve acorn buckets - To hold flower paint - Preparing for spring - We do all this and more - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! - Yes, being a tinker is never a bore! Tinker Bell, I'd like a word with you. Fairy Mary! See, I was on my deliveries, and it's actually kind of... Save it. I know what you've been up to, missy. And I had such high hopes for you. - You'd do well to listen to her... - Why? So I can do this my whole life? I don't wanna be just a stupid tinker! No, no, not that you guys are... I didn't mean that... Guys, I wasn't... I have to go. Now, flap them. Flap them. That's it! Have fun! Hey, Tink! You ready? A little nervous, actually. Oh, don't be silly. Come on, you'll be fine. We're teaching baby birds how to fly. First, you have to get their attention. Smile and establish trust. See? Okay, open your wings, honey, and flap them up and down. Up and down. That's the way. Faster, faster. That's right. Yes! You're doing it! Okay. Come out this way a little bit. You're okay. You're okay. You got it. Keep flapping, keep flapping! Hey, why don't you help that last little guy? Okay, okay. Just smile and establish trust. Hi, there! Hey, little fella, you wanna do some flap-flap today? Oh, sure you do! All you do is, you just flap your wings, like this. No, no, no. None of that. Come on. All we got to do is... Look. I'm going to level with you, okay? I kind of bombed out on the whole water and light fairy things, and I'm starting to run out of options here. If you could see fit to flap your little wings and take flight for a few measly seconds, I might be able to go to the mainland and bring happiness to the world! What do you say? Wrong answer. If I end up making acorn kettles for the rest of my life, I am holding you personally responsible. Hey, hey. Look at this! Okay, just stop squirming. Would you just... Hey! Okay, okay, okay. I'm letting go. I am letting go. This is not working. Hey, maybe that guy can help. He's a really good flyer. Hey, up there! Hawk! - What's happening? - Quick, hide! Look out! A hawk! Tinker Bell's in trouble! - Hey! - Vidia? This is my hiding spot! But it's all yours, now. No! - Get him! - Get him! - What? - You all right? So scary. Are you okay, Vidia? - Let me help you. - Don't touch me! I'm fine! - But I was only trying to help. - Well, stop trying. Tinker Bell... I can't hold water. I can't hold light. Birds hate me. I'm just so useless! Tink. Great. I failed for the third time in a row. At this rate, I should get to the mainland right about... Oh... Never! Yes! Sil! Beautiful. - You fixed it! - Wow! - Beautiful! - Amazing! What are you guys doing here? It might be the sparkliest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of sparkly things! It's a really pretty thingy. What is it? I don't know. I just found it. Tinker Bell, don't you even realise what you're doing? You're tinkering! What? No, no, this isn't... I was just... Creating those gadgets, figuring things out, fixing stuff like this, that's what tinkering is, sweetie! Don't you like doing this? lsn't it what you really love? Yeah! Who cares about going to the mainland, anyway? Well, I do, remember? I want to see where these things come from. Why are you saying this? Are you just giving up on me? I mean, aren't you going to teach me to be a garden fairy any more? Sweet pea, I think this is your talent. Tink, we just want you to be happy. If you really want me to be happy, you'll help me get to the mainland like you promised. Please, Tinker Bell, just think about it. Will you teach me how to be a fast-flying fairy? Please? I know I could do it! With your help, I could be flying as fast as you in no time. Vidia, you're my last hope. All my friends have given up on me. Rosetta won't even try to teach me to be a garden fairy now. I bet I could at least paint some flowers or plant some sproutlings. I mean, there must be something I could do. Or if you really want to be a garden fairy... Capture the sprinting thistles. Well, okay. I can do this. Yeah! Okay. Ready, Cheese? Come on. They're just weeds. Besides, there were only seven or eight at the most, right? We can do this. I know we can do this. What do you say? Attaboy. This ought to be good. Hey! Come on, you! Oh, come on! Just a bit this way! It's working! It's working! Come on! Wait, wait, wait. Come back! Come back! These things just won't listen! Come on, Cheese. Go, go, go! Okay, definitely more than eight. Please file into the corral in an orderly manner! Wait! Oh, no! Come on! Come on, now. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. So sorry. This is the last batch. Look out! Sorry. Sorry! Oh, no. Tink. What happened? - I... - Tinker Bell, what did you think you were doing? I was just... I was just trying to... I thought if I could capture the thistles, then... There isn't a garden fairy alive who can control those weeds! - What were you trying to prove? - I... She's right, Tink. This has all gone too far. By the second star! All the preparations for spring... How did this... Queen Clarion, it was me. I did it. It was all my fault. Tinker Bell. I... I'm sorry. I don't think we can fix this in time. We're going to have to cancel spring, or postpone it at the very least. What, and put my snowflake fairies back to work? Oh, no. But we can't! We can't do that! If the snow isn't melted, the seedlings won't grow, the fruit won't ripen in the summer... And in the autumn, there will be nothing to harvest. Spring must happen on time, or the balance of nature will be undone! There must be something we can do! Certainly this has happened before! It has! Did you ever hear of the ice Age? Settle down, all of you. Fairy Mary, is it even possible to redo everything in such a short time? - No. - Oh, no. We were so close, and now it's all gone. Who's going to paint our leaves now? The apples and pumpkins will never grow. No rolling hills covered in daffodils? And it took months to harvest all those seeds! Animals waking from hibernation will have nothing to eat! You okay, Tink? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just came hoping to get a quick refill. I'm going away for a while. - Well, how long you going to be gone? - Well, actually, forever. Forever? Well, in that case, a double scoop. Forever's a pretty long time, so I hear. Thanks, Terence. You know my name? Well, sure. Why wouldn't I? I don't know. I'm just a dust-keeper guy. I'm not exactly seen as the most important fairy in Pixie Hollow. Terence, what are you talking about? You're probably the most important one there is! Without you, no one would have any magic! Why, your talent makes you who you are! - You should be proud of it! I mean... - I am. I'd better get going. Hey, Cheese. "Be proud of your talent." What talent? I couldn't even get these silly things to work. Lost things. That's it! Attention, everyone! I'm afraid I have distressing news. There is no way spring can come on time. Months of work was lost, and it will take us months to restore it all. So when the Everblossom opens tomorrow, I'm afraid we will not be going to the mainland for spring. Wait! I know how we can fix everything! Tinker Bell? Tinker Bell, I don't think this is... Just hear me out. Please. You! How long does it take you to paint a ladybug? I don't know. 1 0, 1 5 minutes, I guess. See? We can build more. I can show you how. Making paint, gathering seeds, we can do it all in no time. We have to at least try! Wait a... Are we really gonna listen to her? She's the reason we're in this mess in the first place! But I can fix it. Yippee! Tinker Bell's going to save us with her dopey little doohickeys. - Hide the squirrels! - What is your problem, Vidia? Why do you think you're so much better than me? I am better than you, sweetie. I didn't ruin spring. At least now I'm trying to help. Have you ever helped anyone besides yourself? Well, I tried to help you! Maybe I should have told you to capture the hawk instead of the thistles! Perhaps Tinker Bell was not the only one responsible. It seems to me that your fast-flying talent is well-suited to chasing down each and every one of the thistles. Me? Yes. And I expect them all to be returned to Needlepoint Meadow as soon as possible. But that could take forever! Then I suggest you get started. Now, Tinker Bell, are you sure you can do this? Yes. Because I'm a tinker. It's who I am. And tinkers fix things. But I can't do it alone. Command us, Miss Bell. - I'll help. - Show us how, Tink! - I'll help you. - Me, too! Okay, gather up all the twigs you can, all different sizes, and tree sap. We need lots of that. But most importantly, we need to find lost things. Okay, what have you got? - How about this? - Will this do? Can you use this fuzzy thing, Miss Bell? - Oh, yeah! - It's not fuzzy. - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. Twig. Hammer. Magnification, please. Thank you. And that's how you do it! Now, what do you suppose the... You smell funny. - I saw it first. - I bumped into it. Just tie this off here. So, you just squeeze this, then let it go, and... See? Simple! Now, just put the berries in, and we'll have plenty of paint in no time! Six, seven and eight. You did it, Tinker Bell. You saved spring. We all did it. Queen Clarion? Can't Tink come with us to the mainland? Yeah, she's done so much for everyone. No, no, you guys, really. I don't need to go. Buttercup, it's what you wanted. It's okay. My work is here. And I still have so much to do. I gotta... Not here, you don't! Well... But I don't... Surprise, Miss Bell. We found your tiny dancer! Actually, I ran across this myself many seasons ago. I didn't have a clue what it was or how to fix it. But you did, Tinker Bell. You are quite a rare talent indeed. And I'd imagine there's a little girl out there who's missing this. What do you mean? How... I think that perhaps a certain tinker fairy might have a job to do after all, on the mainland. You mean, I... - I knew you'd get to go! - Oh, Tink! - We can help, Miss Bell. - We can help. I'm strong. I'm so happy for you. Come on. We gotta go line up. Thank you, Your Highness. But how will I find who it belongs to? You'll know. Now go! Good heavens. Thank you. Tink. Hey, something to help you on the mainland. Terence, that's so sweet. Good luck, Tink. To the air, fairies! To the air! The mainland awaits! Come away with me now to the sky Up o'er the hills and the sea Far beyond where our memories lie To a place where I'm free to be me Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true The blanket of snow is all gone Each flower waits for the sun And the whispering tears of the rain Holds promise for everyone Then come away with me friends No matter where you call your home With a light in our hearts We will never part Fairies to the north! Fairies to the south! To the east and west! Deep in the forest we go The creatures are all fast asleep Wake up, sleepyheads! Come on! There you go. Good squirrel. With a kiss and a wink we will waken our souls While always their safety we'll keep And then, then we'll dance through the night Till the sunbeams sparkle at dawn And away we will go Like last winter's snow Soon our work will be done Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true Oh gather ye now one and all No matter what all ye may do Let the stars fill your soul when the moon cradles all So to yourself be true So to yourself be true Mummy! Guess what, guess what! Yes, Wendy. What is it, darling? A fairy's work is much more than, at first, it might appear. You did it! Suppose your broken clock ticks, though it hasn't in a year. Perchance you find a toy you lost, or jingling bells you hear. It all means that one very special fairy might be near. How keeping, Tony? Keep it to a dull roar, will you? I got a hot beverage here! Keep it over there, please. Backing of three years of case files, the bulk of our lives. And these cables right now, find back and fourth, zeroes and ones. You do understand that i'm the ones, you're the zeroes. Medow lark Lemon ? globetrotters. What? Hey.carefull with the liquids Please, i told you, It's very sensitive. So am i, magzero. -Wait, you think i'm -A complete klootz(? ) - I might spill... - No, no, no... Curly Nell, that worked. Yeah, how about the phones, They work, I'm been calling Actually, they do not. The unix geting power. The line totally gone, it must be a problem with the router. It's not my fault. I didn't do this. - Freeze! - No need do that. Tobias, what's going on? It's shut down, Gibbs. Two monthes ago, they put The body out of the bay. PD had him on ice when they was tracking down a DNA match. Yeah, and? Body has been positively identifyed as Rene Benoit. La Grenouille? He is dead? Murdered. This entire unit is Under investigation. This is ridiculous. We're prisoners of our Own evidence locked up. We're not prisoners. We're evidence. So we're locked up. Wh- why are we being guarded then? I mean, we're all being guarded, right? You're are being very guarded about Whether or not we're being guarded. Abby, relax. I'me sure You're not suspect. Then who is the suspect? The FBI is not ready to walk Anyone out of their handcuffs. They're trying to keep it quiet. They don't even know what They're looking for. So we're supposed to ? Them their first clue? Not us. Gibbs. How did you land this job, Tobias? Intimate knowledge of the case history and they give me the obvious choice. And your personal relationship People involved? Not gonna be a problem. Evidence led to somebody In this building. What evidence? Other side. Sir? I don't drink coffee. Don't seem too shocked on La Grenouille's dead. That wasn't ignoring Hope it was. We have determined you and your team had signifikant contact with Grenouille On the day he died. That morning it was an early attemt(? ) on his life He wasn't the target. His daugher was. Someone will take things personally. You've figured out who somebody was? No. Final entry in your officiel report has you, McGee and David raiding a yard. Where Grenouille was thouht to be staying. Yeah, we just missed him. Did you? 'Cause the time of death, roughly Coincides with your visual Ziva, McGee and I were here All night securing the ward. I'm sure the report will Verify the time line It's my alibi you after,Tobias? Before that,i was in director's house With Jenny Shepard? And the diseased. Her phone record put them in contant the night he died Were you part of their little trap? Here we are at last. Face to face You believed the story that my father took a bribe Besides, that's not the story It's a fact No You kill him He left I left Come on Jethro Can't be that simple What the hell were you doing there? He want a protection Maybe you should provide it Are you protecting anybody now? I've been trying for decade To bring him down What did he do to you, Jenny? It's not my alibi you after Then you acount the director What about her actions After you left her residens that night No, you killed him It's not loaded If the weapon wasn't loaded And i weren't here Would you pull the trigger? I guess we will never know You gonna accuse the director Of NCIS of murder That evidence must be damn good You think I've been here, if it where'nt(? ) We both know, that her connection to Grenouille had nothing to do with the job Never did This might be a misteminor to begin with but she spread it all over this place. When this is done And she's cleared I want to see that file When this is done If she's cleared I just might let you Long way from San Diego, Leon SECNAV felt this plane ticket You interegating my agents? I assume you have a suspect And you've been brought into over see. Well, assistant Director Vance, You gonna ask for 'em? Under the authority Of the secretary of the navy, As acting director of NCIS, I hereby relieve you Of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, You're suspended. Hello, Leon. Gibbs. $2.42. It's for the cheese danish. That was eight years ago. Nine. Are you the one responsie For this fishing expedition? The bureau's doing the fishing. I'm just driving the boat. Keep it off the rocks. What do I say? The truth, McGee. You haven't done anything wrong. It's a get-out-of-jail-free Card. You're going to hack Into the CIA. This is highly illegal, And i'm not even doing it now. You look nervous, McGee. Where's your head at? What were you thinking about? Uh... Nothing. I know you've hacked Into everything From the corner store To the CIA, McGee. I don't care. Jasper Shepard. Director's father. She ask you to investigate The details of his suicide? No. You didn't come up with the idea On your own, McGee. Gibbs. The director was particularly Aggressive in her pursuit Of the arms dealer La Grenouille. Agent Gibbs was curious as to her motivation. Gibbs doesn't get curious. He gets suspicious. What did he suspect? That, uh... That she believed la Grenouille Was responsible For her father's death. Is that why she put Agent Dinozzo undercover? Toet close to him? I can't speak to the nature Of agent dinozzo's assignment. Why not? You two do have a professional relationship? Mcgeek... Mcgo.. Mcgiggle... Mcgoogle... Yeah. Yeah, it's... Very professional, yeah. Then tell me about His assignment. This is not the time to cover For your friends. I was not privy to any of his actions Vis a vis the aforementioned undercover operation As previously stated. In perpetuity. Sure you were privy. On at least one occasion, You were directly involved In his investigation. Mcgee: Southeastern quebe T.o.d. 2400. Where's Grenouille? Finally... Canada? What was the purpose of the mission? Officer David... I know you're Israeli. I know you were trained by mossad to... Well, we know what you do. I would hate to be misunderstood. Does that happen often? Once in a blue lagoon. I think i'll be able to translate. I'll repeat-- What was the purpose Of the mission to Canada? We received intelligence That the subject Would be in the vicinity. Were you attempting to apprehend This subject Who is now deceased? Archangel has him covered. No. Then why were you there? What were your orders? Archangel awaiting instructions. You were there To kill him. That's what you do. I was there to ensure Mission safety. I was never given A fire order. Only because you were Called off at the last moment. By a deep undercover CIA agent named Trent Court. Director Shepard. We're about to lose target. Director... Stand down, archangel. Stand down. Now, that must have Been a shock, hmm? To discover that Grenouille Was being handled by the CIA? Regardless. Director Shepard Manufactured the entire missn To get close to him. Why? To put a bullet In his head. We met only once. But i was rather Taken by the man. Dredged out of Baltimore harbor. Dead less than two days. Maryland m.e. Performed The autopsy? She's very good. I would like to see The body. No Four eyes are better than two. No. Cause of death Wasn't much of a mystery. A single gunshot Wound to the head. Then what do you want From me? From time to time You compile Psychological profiles On persons of interest. Well, following my encounter With la Grenouille, I was asked for my opinion. La Grenouille is not Your ordinary arms dealer. He's not the type To settle disputes With violence. You liked him, didn't you? Perhaps it's clouding Your judgment. Perhaps it's not my judgment That's being clouded. Yes, by the director herself. I'd like to know your opinion Of that encounter. Dr. Mallard? There was a history Betweethose two. Something that is Consuming he How far? Will she go? As far as it takes. She did manifest Obsessive behavior. he's tryingo paint a picture. a comprehensive picture Of her need for retribution Against la Grenouille. He's just confirming What he know Ducky. He's holding Something back. Do you think she cld Have done it? I will get him, Another time, Another deal. I will be there, And i will get him. I'm sorry, sir. You can't leave. You know what? You're going to have To stop me. Problem? If you want it to be. I know it's always been Lost on you, Gibbs, But they write The rules for a reason I have rules, too. So i hear. Any reason to keep Us here, Leon? I'm well aware of your Relationship with Director Shepard. Never been comfortable With intimacy between Management and staff myself. Me either. If you've been interviewed By agent fornell, You're free to go. Just to be clear... Do not investigate this case. That guy! He just, like, Puts on a fancy suit And expects everyone to do Everything he says. It is a pretty Nice suit. Come on, le's go. Work to do. Onhat? We can't investigate The FBI's case. We investigate the FBI. Boss...ziva's shaking The FBI tail car. Got 'em running In circles. Good. When she gets here, She can help you Hack into fornell's Computer. I'm going to need to go To a public site. They've quarantined All my... Here, E mine. But this doesn't have A wireless signal, though. I'll figure it out Duck. Ho! Your friend in the maryland M.E.'s office-- Dr. Hampton? Need that aupsy report. I'll have to be charming. Don't strain yourself. Go out the back, Through the hedge. It's all very eiting, Isn't it? Like a cat and mouse game. Reminds me of a part of my life That i will share With you later. Boss-- I may be able To hook up my phone And piggyback the signal. But i'm going to need an i.d. To get access to the FBI main... Frame. Questions? Yeah, how do you Get the boat out? Just break the bottle. You wouldn't be Breaking the chain of evidence, Now, would you, abby? On the portman file? Doubt it. He died In prison two years ago. Oh. Well, let me know if you've Got something to eat in there, 'Cause i'm starving. How starving? Klowny kakes. Ooh. Rot cards. Want to see What happens next? I am dying with anticipation. Tony! W're about to summon The elusive elements Of t cosmos. Concentrate. 'M with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring pizza. Gibbs gave you a mission. Everybody's counting on you. Just do what you do best. Dance? Talk. Ms. Sciuto. Abby... Mighty generous. I've gone over your results With regard to the case In question. There's a problem With your theory of the crime. A big hole. I could driv A truck through it. Well, i may not be able To drive a truck through it, 'Cause never at great With the double clutch, But a truck driver Could ju... Care to share? Well, it's obvious. I mean, you think There's a murder here-- Like, right underneath Gibbs' nose. Thathatever Took place, Took place Without Gibbs knowing. And that could never happen? I'm going to share A secret with you. It's a theory I've been working on. Off the books. Okay... The man is magic. Like dark magic. He has eyes And ears everywhere. He appears like a mist. Whenever i get a clue, He just... Materializes. Maybe he bugged your lab. No. I checked. What's that like? It sounds aggravating. No. Does he ever get angry? Never. He only uses his powers For good. Well, sounds like You're a fan. Norime like this Could ever take place Under Gibbs' nose. Uh... He wouldn't allow it. I understand. If we could Just get back to the... No, i don't think you do Undetand. Okay, one night I was in my lab. It was dark and stormy... Stop. Okay, go a smidge To your left. Right, a smidge To your right. Back to your right. There it is, there it is. Stop. Are you serious, McGee? Hold that position. I've must barely got A signal her This going to work? This thing's so ancient, It doesn't even have The protocols Modern day security systems Defend against. It's brinng back memories Of playing of playing zork. I'm tempted to tell it To go throw the crystal orb. Here we go. Whoa, what's that? Don't move! Don't move! It's a link. Indicates an eyewitness Statement. Hasn't been digitized. Doubt we could play it Even if it had been. Witness' name? Just an addres We need to know What this Witness knows. My arms are killing me. The FBI car out front. Got it. Ziva... Their tires, not their throats. Hey, boss, if You've got a printer, I might be able to convert Some of these crime scene Sketches to t matrix. This is goinnowhere. I've never been entirely Certain she's all there. Hey, i remembered something. Somethinrelevant, Ms. Sciuto? Uh, director shepa-- She asked me personally To do some forensic Work for her. I want to know whose Fingerprints are on these. Which is, uh, strange. Um, i determined that there was A dead man's fingerprints On a liquor bottle that was left In her study. The director's father supposedly Killed himself years ago, So i guess that doesn't really Help your case, But, um, they made it seem Like somebody was trying to Mess with her head, you know? Like the CIA Maybe trying To frame her. She's a lot smarter Than you give her credit for, Agent fornell. Guys? Hello? NCIS? Buy you a cup of coffe Miss benoit? I had hoped, rene, that you and I would meet again in person, Enjoy a glass L' esprit de courvoisier Which you so generously gave me. This is the best i can do. A confession: i am actually A medical examiner. And your untimely death left Questions Which only you can answer. Stippling patterns, Powder burns on your forehead, Which, though diminished By immersion in saltwater, Indicate a contact wound At close range. No defensive wounds, So for some reason, A cautious man like yourself Allowed an armed assailant To get extraordinarily close... Or else the gunshot woun Was self-inflicted. My colleague came To the same conclusion. The bullet entered The frontal bone Just above the left orbit, Traveled in an upward trajectory Consistent with A left-handed suicide. Ducky? Did you say something to me? No, i didn't. Well, i could have sworn I heard you talking Down here. I'm gonna come back When you're done. The FBI's convinced You were murdered, But you didn't tell them that, Did you? Oh, well, you were never an easy Man to understand in life. Why should your death Be any different? I do wish you'd shed Some light on this mystery. Because the prime suspect Is a mutual acquaintance Of ours. Wow, that's a start. They're expectinge At your office, agent Gibbs. Well, their questions Aren't mine. Questions aboutony? No. Questions about your father. Well, we've been here before, Haven't we, toby. You were saying some pretty bad Stuff about me back then. I hope you' learned A few things since then. I know i have. Yeah. You've done some Growing, dinozzo. The director thought Enough of you To personally Select you for An extended undercover assignment. Yep, she played Matchmaker. How did you get so close To la Grenouille's daughter? I see where you're going With this. You'd like to know A few pick-up tricks, huh? I wish i could tell you, But kind of a family secret D i took an oath. Sorry. Chip? No. So you reported back to The director about the girl? Jeanne? Yes, well, Her fatherwas An international arms dealer, A threat to the country, The world, really. So, yeah, i did what i was told. The direor order you To sleep with her? Are you attracted to her? Yeah. So what's the problem? I wouldn't call it an order. So you didn't Have any problem Developing that kind Of a relationship with her? No, not at all. But you developed feelings For her. That wasn't very professional, Tony. How'd that happen? Gradually. And then all of a suen... The director tell you to break The girl's heart? What'd that feel like This is more like A therapy session Than an interrogation. Why are you so interested In my feelings? Because you had them. So strange being back In the city. I volunteered For a fellowship In Gabon. Africa? That's a big change Of scenery. I rode a canoe To the hospital Every day. My commute consisted Of avoiding hippos. Did it help? I like to think it helped Some people. But no, i couldn't get what Happened out of my head. Whatever you told The FBI, they're convinced Your father was murdered. He was. How can you be So sure of that? I thought you knew what i saw that night. What'd you see? Duck. I only let jethro Call me that, ziva. I think she means Duck, ducky. Okay, la Grenouille's yacht. Single shell casing Was found on the deck. No blood splatter. Le grenouillmust Have been standing By the railing. Okay, i'm la Grenouille. Bang. Overboard, Gun goes with me. Nine-mil shell casing lands There. Or someone approaches you With the nine. Facing you. Someone you know. And i stand here and let you Shoot me in the head? I don't flinch, Don't turn my head? The gun is concealed. Your guard is down. Still, when you bring The gun up. I'm on boat. Why don't i just jump overboard? Why do i let you shoot me In the head? Jeanne must be going Through hell. I didn't mean to hurt her. What other option was there? She was in love with you, Too, right? I don'know. Come on, tony. You're a better liar than that. I love you,jeanne. Well,you're right, Agent fornell,i'm lying. Everything i did With her was a lie. Just recalling Those lies,i believe That i'm lying now. It's a,it's a cacophony Of lies,really. Are you getting all this? ! 'Cause it's od stuff! Yeah,she was in love with me. We were in love. What else do you Want to know? How is it supposed To end,tony? I mean,there was never Gonna be a happily ever afte Earlier that morning, The day her father died, Jeanne was almost Lled twice. You barely managed to save Her from a drug dealer When somebody Tried tolow her up. Yeah,i know. Someone Should figure that out. Likely one of his enemies. Likely. He had Aot of enemies. Any one of them could have Caught up with him on that yacht. Through the girl? Jeanne was a key To her father. No one knew that Better than you. So let's talk About that night. i have to go. What'd you tell fornell? I told him what happened. When? The night he was kled. How do you know what happened? ziva, This mark,what Does it mean to you? Hmm. Give me your hand. It's a pressure point. Inossad,we call It a "thumb tap." David says she left you Alone in jeanne's apartment. She tried to call You on the phone The next morning, But nobody answered. Your partner did not Know where you were. I went for a drive. Your car was blown Up that morning. Company car. Where? I needed To clear my head. I wasn't plotng a Course. I was upset. Of course you were. The woman you Love is in danger. She's running for her life And you can't protect her. You telling me you Saw who did it? Yes. Who? ! she'd never be safe, not with her father around. She knew it,you knew it. There was only one Way to save he Who pulled the trigger? Tony. Bang. You killed la Grenouille! I did what? Jeanne benoit saw tony Shoot her father? He had motive. And means. And no alibi. Well,he was supposed to meet Us at the bar last night. He did not arrive, Did not call. Jethro, no two suicides Are identical, but The similarities here Are more than coincidental. Ducky... Right down to the Mark on the hand. I've seen that before. Ah,so Have i-- Jasper shephard's suicide. Supposed suicide. Somebody is miing From this party. Don't get too comfortable. You already scratched My settee. Your agents have bn Tearing apart my house All afternoon,and they Wouldn't even tell me What they're looking for. La Grenouille was killed With a nine-millimeter glock. Vance: you have A second weapon. A nine-millimeter glock. Registered for personal use. Yet we can't find it. You could ha asked me. Where's your gun? I gave it to la Grenouille. You have the bullets. Take the damn gun! Anybody witness that? Gibbs. Works for me. Grenouille took the gun, Dizzo took it from him. Dinozzo? He's in custody. An eyewitness at the marina Saw agent dinozz Commit the murder. You have a positive i.d. At night,in the dark, From a distance? I think she'd Recognize her boyfriend. Jeanne benoit is your witness? You turned my entire Department upside down Based on her testimony? I want to talk to her. Absolutely not. Okay. Okay. My name is jenny Shepard. I'm the director of ncis. Ah,give her a little rope. I'm the one responsible For your pain. I ordered tony to Involveou romantically. Involved you in something You had nothing to dwith. I'm sorry. I crossed line. He felhorrible For what he put you through. When he told you the truth... My name isn't Tony Dinardo, It's Anthony Dinozzo. This has all been a lie. Why? you should ask him. I think it's the first sign You're doing something wrong.. If you feel bad about Telling the truth. You think tony's a bad person? He killed my father. That must have been the Worst day of your life. Of anybody's life. and now you. Can't stop riving it. The way you were feeling. You probably just wanted To run away from it all. Bought a plane Ticket, packed a bag. Maybe you were tempted To leave a note. some last words. Before i knew what Tony was capable of. Next thing you know, You're in the car on The way to the airport. praying that any minute You would wake up... And find out that none Of it ever happened. I trusted him. Anhe lied to me. Even after all The deception... Do you just go? Or do you stop and See him one last time? Which him? Tony or the dad? That's the moment,right? You've been taking Body blows all day, And finally that's the Moment you actually have To make a choice. Forget the airport. Go tthe marina. Pull the car over. Yes. That's where i saw him. Your dad? Yes. One last time Before he's gone? Yes. No. The stars aligned So that you arrived At the marina When tony pulled the trigger? You're lying. What really happened,jeanne? It's my fault. I did it. I kill him. it feels That way, doesn't it? But it's not true. Believe me,i know. You blamed tony. Now you're blaming yourself. What really happen that night? i made the wrong choice. I wanted to see him. He was waiting for Me at the yacht. But i just couldn't. I kept driving. You never went to the marina. I figured he'd co and find me. No matter what, Dad always found me. And then he didn't. I just knew. You must be angry. That you can't have that One moment to live or again. I don't know if you Could have changed it. I don't know if you Could have saved him. He loved you. Of that... I am sure. Who do you want To talk to now? How's the case? Falling apart. Better Not be here,jethro. It'll just create more problems. No,i'm here to solve them. Well, well, well, mr. Court From the CIA. Your boss kied my informant. i need your help to take La Grenouille downor it. This is not going To end well for you. Your investigation ends now. This is la Grenouille's handler. I think the CIA Would want to know Who killed him. La Grenouille was Killed by an soCIAte Who has since assumed Control of his organization. Let me guess... You stepped up to R the whole show. Did number two here Just cfess to murder? The CIA does not Assassinate people. Not on american soil. Let's see your Get-out-of-jail-free card. Eyes only. It was sanctioned. La Grenouille wanted To retire. He'retired. It's that simple? CIA wants it simple. Well,i guess we're Done asking questions. That's not for you... Just between us... Who killed Jasper, Shepard? Jasper Shepard. Anything that guy would do To keep a long-term op intact? Nope. Anything he wouldn't say Tohut this down Before it got too loud? That night... At her house, Jenny gave her Gun to the frog. You have the bullets. Take the damn gun! Protect yourself. She did. And that would explain How it got to the yacht. It would. And kort used that gun... To kill him. You're right. She's cleared. The file? Maybe. Hey,trent. He wasn't just an operative. He was somebody's father. Be aan,tony. She accused me of murder. Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what She needs to hear. Hey,can you give Us a seco,please? Thank you. No problem. Hey. I'm sorry you got caught In the middle of all this. Was any of it real... Tony? No. I wish i'd never met you. I hope you're not rushing Out on my account. Apparently not. Secnav tells me You're going to be Taking a couple wes Of personal time. Uh-huh. It was never my intention To burden you with This responsibility. Oh,i don't mind. My wife however, Is not so forgiving. Is this yours, Leon? Keep it. You owe the bureau for two Sets of all-weather radials. Yeah. Bill me. Fairy tale ending? The frog is dead, And the jesters have been Kicked out of the kingdom. The queen is back On her throne. If you're expecting Some sort of knighthood, I'm sorry to say I've misplaced Maybe it's with your gun. Maybe Funny quirk About the frog-- Arms dealer... Never carried a gun. Except that night. Take the damn gun! Protect yourself. You're signing My death warrant. That what happened? That's how i remember it. You remember it Differently? Take the damn gun! Protect yourself. You're singing My death warrant. Long live the queen. Fixed some errors, not all. ***Xenzai[NEF]*** FADING OF THE CRIES (2011) June 17. spent several months since the death of my wife and daughter. wonder every day why God have been taken from me with one blow. I went back to smoking, an invitation the death of his arms wide open. I feel more alone in this world I was like never before. I moved closer my sister for support. My editor thought that buying this house would be a distraction from my pain. An obvious attempt to inspire me end a long-delayed romance. I'm still amazed at how incredibly cheap this house. Even for small-town values. Still ... I hope to be taking the right decision. SILENCE the CRY 14 YEARS LATER Where the hell are you? - Sarah? - What now? - Sarah! - You go, Maggie! Where are you looking at? Here you are. I'm so attached to you. My God. As you climbed up here up so easily? - What are you doing? - Just look at some old stuff. You know, do not cost anything to call me mother once in a while. What are you looking? You must always be espiolhar to everything I do? I'm only seeing the old stuff from Uncle Michael. What? I miss him, yes? This is a very valuable antique. And I know that Uncle Michael would want we had very careful with it. In case you forgetting, he gave it to me. I just think you should not use while you're not a little more responsible. What age do you think I am? I'll be late ... Where you going? Sarah. Where you going? When are you coming? I told you, I will spend the night at Emily's house. No. Do not tell me that. I'm tired of you always have to try have in my life. I'm out of here. Sarah! This conversation is not over yet! Now you can stop listening. - Where you going? - Anywhere but here. - I thought we were going out together ... - Jill, we may go another day, okay? Stop arming you into silly. I have to go. Damn! You gave me a cagaça! Sorry, where were you? It was supposed end we found an hour ago. Yes, I know. Maggie was again to be herself. Goat. So, you brought it? Yes .. Beautiful. Creed, this place still I fear hell of a mess. - What? - Put yourself. I am sure that was better when your uncle lived here. Yes, I know, not applicable. Okay, let's go. Come on! Come on, Sarah. Where'd you get the necklace? It was my uncle. It seems an age or so. Yes Maggie was tease me for having it taken away. What is her problem? Same as always. Attempts to control my life because basically has no control over his own. - The same crap as always. - You know what? Do not worry. Because I'm here. That's what I'm here. I'm here to remember that we still live ... a city of shit where there is nothing to do. Nothing to do ... Thank you. I think. What abnormal. Let's get outta here. Give me your hand. Can you run? Thankfully, because we have a lot to run. - What do they want? - To you. - Stay close to me. - What do we do? - We must get away from the streets. - How? We have to go through them. Are you ready? - Are you ready? - Yes. Now! - Jill, I'll leave. - Mom, this television does not work. The cable must be probably off, dear. Are you sure you'll be okay? Leave off, I'm almost 15 years. Okay, I'll have my phone with me. If you need me, call me, okay? Jill? Okay! Goodbye. Come on ... Unbelievable. Shit! Come back soon. Jill, make sure that all doors and windows are locked. Why? What's up? - Did something happen? - Do it! Now! Shit ... Jill will check the back door. - Damn! You gave me a cagaça. - Attention to language, girl. Come on. My god! Lower yourself. Get down and stays that way. Right ... We must find a safer place. Mom, why do not you tell me what happens? Because I do not know what is happening. Come on. And the car? Does not work. Go up the stairs. June21. passedonlyafew days since I moved here andmymind already is tricking me. I see no shadows one that causes. hearsoundscomingfromabove my room at night. Maybeyou'recrazy. Thisdoesnotseemtoescapetheimages devastating for my wife and daughter initsfinalmoments. seemsunrealthepower re-embrace again. He says: "Hello, Uncle Michael." Hello Sarah, how are you? Can you say it? Hello It was not easy when the father of Sarah left us last year. I thought my world would end. I think what I'm trying to say is that know how it feels to be alone. Thanks. Mom. What are you doing? Mommy will catch you! Mommy will catch you. He picked up his girl! My beautiful girl. In the old church! There should be safe! - It's too far! - We're almost there! They can not enter here. This place is too strong for them. What is your name? Sarah. I still think that this is just a bad dream. It's more than you can imagine. Who are you? Where are you from? I'm Jacob. I need you to trust me. My best friend just died! You appear out of nowhere ... and those things ... Sorry about your friend. My God, what's that? Security has been broken! We must leave here. June25. They spent a few days since I read the diary. Icanonlyassumethat belonged the previous owner of the house. Ithinkitsfascinatingreading the hours seem to fly. Thisisso ... methatIhavedifficulty concentrate on writing my novel. 's always so cold in this house. Last night I woke hear a faint sound of crying comingfromabove the ceiling of my room. curiousaboutwhatwould decided to investigate. Ifoundnothing. However feltsome thing was watching me. I'm always a feeling uncomfortable in this house. AsifIbelonged. constantly I wantto rememberit. Get down! Down! Go! Listen. With attention, child. Who are you? I'm Mathias, the necromancer of darkness. But your concern should be with what you have. Do not know what you're talking about. The rune placed Sayorlean inside of your silver necklace. Returns it. I do not understand. It is precisely for That must be returned. You do not understand its power. Not with your partner Abes of the sword. Stay away. Calm down, child. Will you give me the rune. What makes you think that I ... Ma can not take, do you? Now only you have the power to end this chaos. Return the paste to the mansion Ekling and all this madness will end. The necklace belongs to me. It belonged to my uncle. Stolen from me by it and so their blood line is cursed forever. Give me the necklace and I will spare your family curse it carries. And if it fails? Then I'll send the very essence with the nightmares that are created until they tear your decaying flesh. Sarah. I am. We must continue, there is an exit on the other side. Where are we? Beneath the city. An old camera rest for church members. - I lived in this city ever since ... - Ali ahead! What? What is that? - We gotta get outta here! - Why? What is it? Do not look back! - Where are we? - For output. - We have to climb! - Jacob! Do not look down! Ali - Did you hear that? - Yes, it's someone at the door. - I see. - There may be another thing like that. - It could be your sister. - Mom, do not go. Jill, I have to see if it is Sarah. Stay here. Sarah? My God ... Stay away. Come on, here we are not safe. What are you ... Go, go. Are you sure we be safe up here? Because if not, we're stuck. Of course we'll be safe. I do not see these things around. Never trust in your eyes. All those cries echoing. Lower yourself. They're everywhere! They are hunting us. - They see us? - Head toward the woods. Stopped. Can not cross. Look at them. Whence come all? We need to continue. You must be kidding. We have to go through. Already crossed half. They're here. There, there, did not you? Run to the other side and not look back. - Jacob ... - Now. Continues! Gone are all. I know. Can we rest now? We went to run all night. There under. A night with a sky so beautiful. It makes no sense what is happening. Get it fast! - What? - Now! Why? It's impenetrable, even for a sword. Body contact, was well they knew where we were. I have this forever and now you're say who persecute us because of it? - When was the first time that you used? - Just tonight, but I ... It's me missing something? And who the hell are you? And how did you know the passage beneath the church? And how you were there in just when I was attacked? Not everything is as it seems. Then answer it. Are you following me? Are you hiding something from me. And to tell the truth scare me. Got something to see with all this? Yes In what? My family was murdered in this city. Ifelttherewas something wrong with the house inthedaythatIand the My family went to live there. foundanolddiarythat contained symbols etched into the pages. It was hidden under the loft floor. There spells, each with the objective to induce or protect from evil. This is the source the power of the necromancer. Necromancer? A magician who can awaken and communicate with the dead through symbols. Then this necromancer is responsible for all this? He is able to create a real nightmare. You saw it. When? Beneath the church. He said his name is Mathias. I did not know what to believe, not know why you were protecting me ... What did he say? What the necklace is yours to him. The diary was designs that stone e. .. ... a name for herself, Sayorlean the rune. Gave the necromancer power to control the day and night. Each night he stays stronger with his control. If he makes the day into night, this town will not survive. My Uncle Michael let me die before. How did you get that necklace? I do not know. I was very small. Where were you living? At the mansion Ekling where you found me. My parents were murdered shortly after I discovered the diary. When? It seems like yesterday. Did not know the house had been sold ... That was quick. Maggie should already be going on because of me. - Maggie? - My mother, I I refuse to call it that. And Jill, my sister. Is with her. At least now I do not have to deal with them. I envy you for credentials. What happened? Left ... You think this will end? Everything has to end, Sarah. You better get some rest. Let's wait until the morning. Mother? Father? Anna! What now? What the hell she wants now? - Hello - Hello, Maggie. We brought you some cookies. Thanks. They seem to be very good. Can we come? Sure they can. So what brings you here? - I thought you wanted to get away and go do something. I have not felt comfortable get out and do great things lately. Your editor did you get closed here? No, I have been to ignore it ... Do not touch that! No matter. Sorry. I do not know what is happening to me lately. Michael, are you okay? Yes, I'm just a little cranky lately. That's it. I understand. So what you been up to? - I. .. Can I show you. Okay. Look at this. Saw it? How did you? You see this? I found it in the attic beneath the floorboards and has all these explanations of how to do a date different spells e. .. Michael this is not good. What do you mean? - What do you think I'm doing? - This is not correct. Maggie, this is my opportunity to do something extraordinary. You know, it's a shame that your limited mind can not see it. I think we'd better go. I agree. You know what, Maggie? Not even I invited you to come here. Sarah. Yes? Gotta go. All disappeared. The necromancer does not has control during the day. Last night in Ekling why were there? To stem the evil. But what makes this house so dangerous? It is where the Mathias lived there years ago. Nobody there is welcome provided that the condition complained. It's funny. When I was little, they told me Always stay away from that place. I always thought nothing more than an urban myth. Look. It's almost as if she was still in pain. We must continue. I do not want this to happen. Promise me if this happens, shoot me. I'll take you home safely. Do not believe I'm saying, but I really miss Maggie and Jill. What happens if they become one of those things? I kill them. - Jill, dear. - My God ... It's okay. Just me. What a fucking nightmare! Is it safe? Yes Down, but see where you put your feet. Be careful. This is so disgusting. July2 . passeda fewdayssince I started practicing the spells of the diary. Iwasso fascinatedbythesetexts nolongerhavetimeto my own novel surface. This morning I learned something about the past of the necromancer. seemshewasstudyingspells hopingtobring his wife back. Apparentlyshewasmurdered. hadactuallyachievedwhen rumors spread of her witchcraft. The elders of the church Mathias came and forced toseehiswifedie... the second time. Theirtextsbeganto become more bizarre and twisted totheextentthathe seemed to be consumed by anger. Cursingthecityelders. Threatening to wake the dead. The following spell required much more than what he had done before. Finishwithsomeone'slife. IdonotknowifI'lldofine . textsspeakin thisjournal of demonology. Waking the dead and contain the evil within symbols. Although no understand what that means. Three keepers were invoked Mathias to protect the necromancer. executetheirrevenge with the elders of the city. Malyhne,hismessenger. Terhael,hiseyesduringtheday. Sylathus... his revenge. Terhael ... appears. Have got to be My eyes and ears and it rewards me with something. I have no powers until they recover the rune. I was robbed by a girl. She travels with a companion. Kill them. And retrieve the rune. If we are around, we lose the light. What? Run! What the hell is that? Shit. We must come to that barn! How do we go from here? No. .. I can not stand ... Already can not stand the noise. We'll succeed I swear I will. July5 . Thisismy firstattempt to awaken the demon Sylathus. Inolongercaremore consequences. I no longer think more in eating or sleeping. Myeditorfinallygaveup to try to contact me. immediatelyrecognizedhimatthebar. The driver responsible the death of my family. Itookit to my house under false pretenses. He was too drunk to recognize me. When did the girl appears for a business? Ihadtheclearimpressionthat he had a twinge of remorse forkillingmy family. So I offered him another drink. She descends. How about another drink while you wait? Thanks. You do not drink anything? No, I do not drink. I quit drinking ... It's the only thing for which I live. After a drunk have killed my family ... It changed my perspective on things. The worst part is that he got away because of one detail. And walked free. What the hell is this? Do not say anything? Only by chance? How did it feel to kill my family and destroy my life? Listen ... What the hell is going on here? It was an accident. I'm not here to apologize for your family. I'm out of here. Not with life. What? You'll stab me? I already did. What the hell? This is it. Sarah. We must leave here. And if that thing is still there? We can not wait for the night. I am disappointed, my servant. Whither fled? Come. The Malyhne awaits us. Okay, this is the last. Give me a hand? Jill? Jill? Jill? Jill? And some of the blood line of Michael. Mother! July9 . They spent three days since invoking Sylathus. I fear for my safety because both the demons disappearedin dark confines of the house. Iwonderwhy reason has not killed me. Whatareyouwaitingfor? Michael? Hello, enters. Want a glass of water? - Water ... - Yes, water is fine. - Okay, I will get. - Thanks. Not expecting to see you, but I'm glad you left home. Hello Sorry ... you can not come to know. I will miss you. Will always be safe. Shit. Here you go. Are you okay? I'm fine. Toma. Michael? It's a gift for Sarah. Give him ... Gives you only when you old enough. Okay ... Just want to say I regret that. Michael, it's okay. I'm just worried about you. Gotta go. No, wait. Maggie? The whole family together again. Damn you! You chose your own destiny. I advise you for the safety of your family return it to the rune Sayorlean. - I lost it! - Very foolish decision. It was her only hope. Remove her legs. So the child returns. The sword of Abes. Strip it to him. - Leave her alone! - Come on. Come on. What is more valuable to you? The rune or the life of your sister? Sarah, do not do. You promise that the loose? I give you my word. Please! Let her go! Do you know where to find us. So long. Jill! Sarah what have you done? She is my sister. - She will be fine. - Where to take? Back to the mansion Ekling. Do not say anything, I have for taking that horrible place. - You can not. - She is my sister. You have no chance to get back there. She's all alone without anyone to help. Will you get it? Do not leave me much choice. Sorry no have trusted you before. Will I ever see you? Remember. How could I forget? Go inside. For luck. Farewell ... I have to finish with what started it. Mathias ... I suppose not necessary introductions. Leave behind the texts blacks knowing that would guarantee my resurrection. My predestined tormentor and savior ... Give me the rune. And I convey unto thee his real power that never was described in my writing. - Do not can have. - I can be quite convincing. I'm not afraid of you. I learned how to destroy it, you idiot! - Selaste your own destiny. - I saved my soul and destroy her with this spell. Are you sure? Before you give your last breath curse your whole family! Not with this, sealed his own fate. Kill him. The prophecy was not fulfilled. It's the end of the line. Be careful, Sylathus. The Terhael will need it, of what remains of it. Where's Jill? - I am also happy to see you, Maggie. - Sarah where is she? Hear me, Jacob is the only one who can bring back. He saved my life last night. I'm not going to sit here waiting someone who does not even know who he is. - You really have to stay sober. - And you have to take you away right now! Damn it if I sit here waiting. - Come on out and we find it. - Oh yeah? You're going out there and you're dead! Where am I? Come here, child. Look forward to you. Tell me what your eyes see. - It's just the city ... - No. This is not an ordinary city, child. You are cursed for forever for their sins. Sins? Against me against my wife. And against my unborn son. And with such a vengeance I replied. You know what this is? It belonged to my uncle Michael. Stolen from me by him. And so I cursed his bloodline. Your blood line. Notes. While I darken again these empty skies. Maggie, a body is still here. Open the door, I can handle this. It's already getting dark. Hurry up! No! The night ... returned. It's time to reawaken the beast. Sylathus. Kills the intruder. I returned home. Nothing ... What was it? Maggie ... Maggie, no! Emily ... Emily, no! Close it! Take this! Michael ... Spell Protection. Get down! They are there. So how did deceived death so easily? Are you dead? Anna! The last I remember, a trembling soul eras that forced his last breath. Vieste as consideration by a family murdered whose cries were silenced at night? Vieste enjoy it. Preparations were made especially for you, Spell Protection. How's your leg? I'm so cold. I thought I had not lost so much blood. Toma. Ready. Thank you. Do not hear anyone scream. They got everybody. I was so afraid that something you had happened. I never thought to worry about. You and Jill were all he had after your father is gone. I regret that you will have felt this way. You'll always be my girl. Thank you for saving me. I love you. I love you too, Mom. Find peace. Mother, I think we'll be fine. Since we remain silent, I think not ... Mother? Mother, do not. Please, God, do not let that happen. No! Please mother, do not get up! Mother! No, no ... No! The sword does not contain Abes more power in the circle than any other weapon vulgar. I will end your existence! You can not hide from me! Get out of the shadows. And witness the death of this child. Give your last breath. Remember, Return Protection, have no effect on this circle! No! No! Now die! Jill? Are you okay? Anda. We'll take you home. It worked. - The rune has been broken. - I fell right on top of you. Nobody would have survived a fall like that. Why is he calling you to "Spell of Protection"? That's what I am. Mother? Mother? Mother? Mother! No. .. Sarah? I am very sorry ... It was supposed Protection Spell beings. I know. Was it for her. I'm it. As long as you have, can bring them back. Can I bring them back. Bring them back ... I told you! You can not kill what is already dead. The torture you for eternity. Then your heart is mourning the loss of another and finally you found your purpose? Yes .. The silence of thy cry! Translation and subtitling: "~~ True_Pliskin +)~~ Gossip girl here... your one and only source into the scandalous lives of manhattan's elite. at's the one thing that no one in our group has. I mean,not even blair? A boyfriend. I met this really nice guy, and I'm supposed to meet him in the park for lunch tomorrow. You're not old enough to date. Name's asher,and I do go to unity. he's been staying at the ostroff center. It's depression? Is it bad? Bad enough to try to kill himself. Oh,my god.Georgina. What are you doing here? Well,I told you I was coming. Didn't you get my gifts? What's georgina got on you? Dan I understand. What's so bad you can't even tell me? So.tell me about dan. Dan of all people cannot know georgie. Um,I'm sarah. Nice to meet you,sarah. Gossip Girl Season1 Episode15 Spotted... jenny humphrey wading in the met fountain,fishing for change. blair waldorf,seen dallying with an off-duty doorman at the blarney stone on a monday night. It looks like the battle between the queen B.And little J. Has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling... a nice,shiny dime to add to your collection. why the fruit cup,B.? Lost your taste for yogurt? so what are we doing tonight? Asher's parents are in cannes,so... he and jenny are throwing a party at his house. It's a really small get-together with just our closest friends. Sorry,blair. Blair can take my place. Invitations are nontransferable. She's new to the group. Just because your name's on the invite doesn't make you a hostess. Then why is the party planner calling me? Excuse me,girls. hey,dad? I'm kinda busy.What's up? I was just wondering what time you want me to serve your favorite home-cooked meal tonight. Maybe around 8:00? Oh,um,I have that choir thing. Remember,I talked to you about it, and you said I could go 'cause I've been good? Oh,right. Well,maybe we could wait to eat till after you got home then. You're gonna be hungry after all that singing. Yeah,well,I mean,they have food there, and it's probably gonna go pretty late. So,um...tomorrow? Okay,love you. Love you,too. Sorry.Floral emergency. Oh,and you will be happy to know that the entire unity lacrosse team R.S.V.P.'D! oh,my god.It's asher. let's go say hi. How did little jenny humphrey become the next brooke astor? The same way they all do. Marry up. hey,why the long face? Are you still sad mom wouldn't let you go to monte carlo for the bachelor party? No,I'm fine. I figured I'd let bart, chuck and prince albert have their fun... oh,that didn't come out like I meant it. gossip girl. Looks like jenny's been spotted at gap sewing stella mccartney labels into pocket ts. These rumors are getting to be ridiculous. Oh,like the one where I'm gossip girl. Hey,it made sense at the time. - ****** - It never made any sense. yeah,it did! Yeah,it did. Wait,hold on.It's chuck. I have something to do before school starts,but tell him I say hi. Okay.Don't forget about dinner tonight. Yeah. Salut,chuck. Yes,I'm still fine. I haven't heard from georgina in two weeks. So if you'd stop calling me, I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye. You can read about it all day long, but you have to walk the city to know it. Okay,but look,anything is better than getting lost on the train every day. Subway. Click those heels all you want. You're not in portland anymore. Seriously,you and dan are so sweet to adopt me. I-I'd be a mess without you guys. Well,more of a mess than I already am. Red eye to go? Yes,please. Thank you.Hey,sarah. Sorry for talking your ear off the other night,guys. He tends to ramble,as you'll get to know. Yeah. Well,I'm a good listener,as he'll get to know. Are there any new developments? Uh,no.No,more of the same. Jenny and her boyfriend are still inseparable, and she's even more insufferable. Give her a break.Asher's her first love. It's infatuation.It's not love. Yeah,but to a 15-year-old girl,I mean, there really isn't a difference. And how long did it take you,dan? That's a little different,vanessa.It took me... uh,one glance at a ninth grade birthday party? Yes,but two years to obsess over it. So things are better with... - Serena? - Serena.Yeah. - Yeah,good memory. - Right. Things are finally back to normal. Good. Well,I mean... you know,it's... it's tough making friends in a new city. It'd be really nice to meet her. Yeah,serena would love you. She loves everybody. Not that she would only like you because she doesn't discriminate. See what she meant about that rambling thing? How's tonight? Tonight would be perfect. good.See you. He's so cute! Hey,can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.Is something wrong? That's what I was gonna ask you. Where have you been lately? You haven't returned any of my calls. sorry. It's been harder than I thought to keep up with schoolwork and the new spring social calendar and my new boyfriend. - Yeah. - Asher,right? Yeah. He's cute and smart and basically perfect, and the best part is I think he really likes me. Well,then he has good taste.But... how well do you actually know him? Oh,that's so sweet. - You're being protective. - No,I'm not.But... yes.Yes,I am. I've got nothing against him.I just... something about him makes me feel maybe he's not the right guy for you. Oh,my god.Wait. Do you have a crush on me or something? No,I don'T. - I just want you... - don't be embarrassed. It's cute.I mean, and not so unexpected,actually. I'm flattered.It's just... my heart belongs to asher. I actually gotta go,but,um,text me,'kay? What? You're here! - And you're late. - Mm,I know. I come bearing apologies and an invitation. What are you up to tonight? I know what I'm not up to...having fun. The S.A.T.Tutor was over for four hours last night. So this tutor,is he...is he cute? Mm,well,if hair in the ears is your thing... I hate that since I'm not gonna use the score chuck bought for me, I have to study every night. I can't even be distracted by that... That. I see your point. So then how about,um, dinner tonight with sarah instead? Oh,sarah again? What is she,your new girlfriend or something? Yeah.Just kidding. But she's new in town, and she does want to meet you. Well,since bart and chuck are out of town, I already agreed to a quiet family dinner in our old suite. I'm sorry. What about tomorrow? No,my...my sister and tongue. The two things that don't go together so well. lighten up. You have been down on him since the beginning. Give him a chance and then judge. Maybe he'll surprise you,like I did. How are you always so right? It's easy when you'realways wrong. Hey,you got first period free. Why don't you go get to know him? - Go! - Okay.All right. - Okay! - Okay! From: DAN S - CAN'T MEET TONIGHT.FAMILY DINNER.TOMORROW? Sometimes ********* We ******* The truth. and the only thing more shocking than the truth... are the lies people tell to cover it up. when you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place mr.Spipitzer as far away from serena's table as possible. Thank you. What is not on the schedule today? I don't think I am. Maybe you could fit me in between preston bailey and sylvia weinstock? Well,good luck fitting anything between those two. What...what are you doing here? Well,believe it or not,I'm here to see you. Well,I have a laundry list of things to do today. It's about jenny. Alison's away on an artists' retreat, and I could really use a mother's advice. I think I might be in over my ad. I suppose we could talk about it on the way. Thank you. hey. What's going on? - See you later. - Hey,asher.How's it going? - You got a minute? - Yeah. Uh,but just a minute. Jenny and I have a lunch date. Well,look,there's no easy way to say this,honestly,so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna say it. I-I,uh,saw you this morning. - Saw me what? - I saw you... you know,I saw you kissing that guy. - You got the wrong person. - Come on,man. I-I-I don't think I do. - Are you calling me queer? - That'S... not at all what I said. You wanna know how queer I am? I'm so queer,I'm gonna pop your sister's cherry tonight. - Hey! - What'd you say? What are you doing? Stop it! Jenny,I need to talk to you in private. Well,anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of my boyfriend. Re...okay.All right,fine. Your boyfriend is not being honest with you. I wasn't gonna tell you yet,but I... wanted to invite you to the country house this weekend. Your brother thought we were moving too fast and got upset. Dan,can't you just let me be happy for once? Jenny,I want you to be happy. Just not with a guy who... yeah,I understand that you're threatened by him, because clearly he's everything you wanna be. He's good-looking and worldly, a legacy at dartmouth. But even you should know that jealousy clashes with L.L.Bean pants. It's a snub from one party,B. Plus what's the big deal anyway? You don't even like asher. I didn't like last season's louis vuitton patchwork bag either, but that doesn't mean I want to see it all over town on jenny humphrey's arm. Touch? What do you say we have a girls' night out tonight? Oh,I'm sorry.I can'T. I have dinner with the family. Let me remind you of a little promise you made. Don't go to france.I'll be there for you. I'm really sorry I've been distant, but things will be better soon,I promise. Obviously starting tomorrow. - Hey. - Hey. What's wrong? You look stressed,even for you. I'm still worried about jenny. You mean because she's self-obsessed, self-serving,self-centered, - self... - no. No,I wish it was about her and herself, but it's more about who she's with. I can't get through to her.I tried, and she just completely blew me off, and she dissed my pants. Maybe I underestimated her. She's just going through a phase. We all went through it. And apparently,some of us still are in it. All that matters to someone like jenny right now are the four g's... guys,girlfriends and gossip girl. It's true.Don't feel bad. Unless it's coming from one of them, she's not gonna hear it. - here we go. - Ah,thank you. I tell her she can't see asher. She calls him. I take away her phone. They're on ichat. How do you keep them from growing up when they can have a full relationship from the confines of their own bedrooms? Well,the answer is you can'T. She's gonna grow up no matter what. I read her e-mail. Well,you can't be too concerned about their privacy when their well-being is at stake, especially if you think they're lying to you. - Was she? - Right to my face. I know serena went through a similar phase. Well,if serena's indiscretions were as P.G. As jenny's,I wouldn't have needed the botox. Dan was so much easier. Well,raising girls is different. Serena would be a horrible monster for a hundred days, and then on the 101st, she'd be my little girl again. So I just wait and hope,huh? Well,that's the hardest part. You have to trust that you've done your job. She'll come back to you. that'S... - it's perfect. - Beautiful. It's my finest piece. Here. Let me. Mark ingram,it's beautiful. You've outdone yourself. oh,wow. This just in... asher hornsby spotted locking lips before class... but not with his girlfriend. Looks like gentlemen don't prefer blondes,little J. They prefer other gentlemen. Now you know how vanessa hudgens feels. Is this just another round of blanks fired between B.And little J.? I'm tired of being the bearer of bad grudges. This is the last item that goes to press without proof. I'm so glad gossip girl finally got her balls back. Yeah,she was totally turning into the new "page six. Low blow. Wasn't me.Wish it was. =_,= hello? miss van der woodsen? It's luke from the concierge's desk. You asked that we call first before delivering anything upstairs? Is there something for me? Yes,a package from a miss georgina sparks. Hello? - Did I lose you? - Uh,no. Uh,just keep it there. I'll pick it up right after school. And don't let it out of your sight. - Of course. - Thank you. What was that about? Nothing.It's just this... nothing.I'll see you later,okay? - Bye. - Bye.Hey... hey,B. Dan humphrey... just who I hate to admit I was looking for. No. It smells wrong. The Megatron doesn't say urban free-wheelers. It says sofa masturbators, you know. Here we are. What are you doing? Friends of the British Museum Magazine. Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp, Tony Parsons hunk of the month. I need my props. I have my rituals. Magazine under the arm, "Old Meg" in the wallet. 'Still two years off expiry. ' There they are. Heather's the blonde. Oh, my God, look at her! She's perfect! I love her, Jez. I don't know if I can do this. You stay, I'm going to go home. Tell her I love her. Will you keep it together! Just play it cool. 'Maybe she's the one? My marriage was just a warm-up for the one. ' Heather, this is Mark. Um... hi. Hi. 'Jeremy was right - she is an actual woman. ' Shall we get a drink? Um... listen, thanks for stepping in at short notice. Oh, wow, the Samurai exhibition. Doesn't it look amazing? Well, I'm no expert but if it's old and it involves swords, I'm basically interested. I could get us tickets if that wasn't incredibly forward. I'd love to cos I did a whole course on it in college, but I checked, it's all sold out for the next few weeks. Well, it is to the shit-munchers, but I'm actually a friend of the British Museum. Oh, right, well... Yeah, that would be great. 'Oh, my God! I've already closed on a second date. 'This magazine is sexual dynamite! ' So, great to see you... Listen, Jez, there's something I need to tell you. It's a bit difficult. Oh, OK... The other day, I found out... Well, I was in the clinic and... Basically, I've got a sexually-transmitted disease. - It wasn't me. - I didn't say it was. It's chlamydia. I was just telling you in case you wanted to get tested. Lots of times it's symptomless basically, so it's just... It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no-one minds if the Invisible Man comes to dinner. 'Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. 'Sexually transmitted. Sexually. 'Sexy. I'm feeling sexy. ' You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis? 'Not so sexy. ' What, die for me? Away! Away, what way? I prithee speak more kindly. - Why dost thou frown? At whom? - At thee. Shall wait upon thy cup and fill thee nectar. Their enticing eyes... With coronets of pearl and bells of gold circling their pretty arms, in a round ivory fount... Excuse me, please. 'He's leaving me with two women. I can't date two women. 'I can barely date one! 'This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out till 11 'and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! 'I could do anything. I'm golden! ' Here you go, mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit. 'Can't believe Jeremy left me to soak up the bad feeling 'like a hate sponge. Lucky I'd already nailed the second date. 'Maybe she is the one. 'This time, try to definitely decide before doing a wedding. Shit! 'What? Break-in? 'Hope he's not been murdered. I bet he has. That would be typical! ' Jeremy? Mark, look. Look what's bloody happened. Have we been burgled? That's exactly what I thought. Have you called the locksmith? Have the police already been? Well, no, I thought I'd check with you first. Cos, you know, I didn't know... What do you call? Or do you do it all online now? Why haven't you done anything, Jeremy? I don't know. Maybe I'm in shock. I've lost some CDs. Shit. They've... They've taken my digital camera, my watch, my iPod! And they nicked my little bit of dope. Actually, maybe I smoked that... They certainly nicked the PlayStation. Shall we get some pizza? We're too stressed to cook. The PlayStation? ! The memory card! I'd nearly broken through on Medal Of Honor. They've nicked 120 hours of quality me-time! Bloody hell! I know, everything's shit. You've lost your iPod, I've got chlamydia. American Hot? What? You've finally caught VD? Yeah, Paula told me. Still, it's only chlamydia. Symptomless. Still, a bit of a pisser having to call all your exes? What? Oh, yeah... You are going to call all your exes? Big Suze? Well, yeah, yeah, at some point. Jeremy, it makes women infertile. Yeah, all right, Dr Miriam Stoppard. Fine, I'll do it. Jesus! Oh, my God! They did a shit. Oh, God! That is so... Why do burglars do that? I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all... Oh, that was me, actually. Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted. 'The big date and she's 45 minutes late. 'Great I'm getting pitying smiles. 'Still, got the phone. You're never alone with a phone. 'Look at that. 'No calls. Everyone I know doesn't want to talk to me. 'Why isn't she texting? 'Maybe she's dead? 'Bereaved is better than stood up. ' It's actually quite nice to see you, Jeremy. Yeah. So, I've been getting in touch with all my exes because there's something I need to tell them. But I just thought, why not turn it into a bit of a date? Yeah? Well, I've got some news, too. Me and Johnson are over. He's looking for someone more subservient on the internet. Is he? What a shit! So, what's your news? My news? What is my news? My news... is that... I've just got this hunch that everything's gonna turn out OK in Iraq. Iraq? Yeah, everyone seems to have this massive downer on the whole thing but I say, "It ain't over till it's over, baby." So, what shall we have to drink to celebrate? Well, a Barolo is always nice. 'Shit. 'Can't ask how much. Restaurant. 'You have to pretend you're infinitely wealthy, for some reason. OK. 'Flicking, looking. If only I knew the name of any other wine. What's a wine? 'Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks real or a joke? ' A bottle of Barolo it is. Lovely! 'There it is! Oh, shit. No! 45 quid! 'I've just spent 45 quid on wine. ' I'm paying, I assume. Well, you did invite me. Of course. 'There's a fiver's worth right there. ' Oh, that is fantastic! This... this is wine. Yeah, look at what these idiots are drinking. Look at these dicks. Huh! Obviously, it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine... Mwah! Brilliant. 'Oh, everyone in that restaurant knew I'd been stood up. 'I'd feel better if she had had an accident. 'I could go to the hospital. I might get to switch off the machine. 'Would that be good? 'Married one, killed one. 'I'd be a pint-sized Henry Vlll. 'That's her! 'Maybe I should hide. Actually, fuck it! ' Heather! Hello, Heather. Mark? Mark! Oh, it is so good to see you. Uh-huh? 'Oh, yeah, course it is. I'm just the man you wanted to see. ' I'm so sorry. What a day! I lost my phone and it had your number and also the address of the restaurant, and I didn't know where... 'Almost plausible. ' I cycled back this way cos I thought... Your place is somewhere near here? Oh, right. So what do you think? A bit late or? 'I'm going to have my pound of date. ' No, it's not too late. Let's go for a drink. We were going to have a date, let's have a date. Great! Is there anywhere nice around... here? - No. - Well, it's a bit late to go into town. Look, we're right by my place. We could always have a drink up there if you didn't think it too weird. It'd be nice to see your place. 'She's coming back to my place. 'She trusts me. It's still possible she stood me up, 'but she almost definitely doesn't consider me a physical threat. ' I'm really glad that we did manage to meet up, cos I don't know what I'd have done with this, otherwise. Samurai, The World Of The Warrior! It really is the only book you need on Samurai culture... '... that I could find for under 15 quid. ' Oh, Mark, that is thoughtful. 'Oh, yeah, getting kissed by the one! ' Oh, look at this, Jeremy left the bloody door on the... Jeremy! Hello. Hi. What are you? - I'm... I'm looking for... Kenny? - Kenny's not here. Oh. OK, then, I'll just... - No. 'Oh, my God, what am I doing? ' - Can I? I've got asthma! What the fuck are you doing? ! 'I'm wrestling with the white working class. Morse never did this. ' Just shut up! 'I'm better than Morse! ' - Wow, Mark! You totally took him out! - 'Oh, yeah, baby! ' Yeah, well, my home is my castle. Look... Get off, I was just... You were coming back for what you didn't get last week! That's my bloody watch! You've got my watch on! Police, please. Yes, I've apprehended a burglar. Flat 5, Apollo House, London Road, Croydon. 45 minutes? ! But... I'm sitting on him - is that legal? OK. Who needs a Samurai exhibition when you get a Samurai display? Look, if you want, we can do this another time. No, I can't leave you now. You might need... That's great. I think I'm OK with him, but it would be good to have someone else there with a bottle or a spanner to bonk him on the head with if he tries anything. This is a nice place. Thank you. If she spanners me I'll kick off. It's good to get a foot on the ladder. Plus, I've got pension provision coming out of my arse. There's wine in the fridge. 'This is turning out pretty well. This could be a funny family story. 'We met when he sat on a burglar. ' Mark, what are you doing? Who are you sitting on? It's a burglar! Oh, my God! I'm not! I got the wrong flat, I'm looking for Kenny. I'm asthmatic. We need money for our meter. - Oh, the plot thickens. - He might've got the wrong flat. That's right! Take his side. You've only known me for 15 years, whereas he's a pillar of society - Stop sitting on him. You look a dick. - You didn't see him take him down. - Hi, I'm Heather. - Hi. Look, Heather, can you watch him? I'll double-lock the door and then we can all go through into the living room and just all keep an eye on him there, OK? Oh, guard duty, great vibe. Just put him in the kitchen with a couple of Garfield's. What you think he's going to do? I think, Jeremy, that he's going to try and nick our stuff, all right? So... What's going on for you, man? For God's sake, Jeremy, don't try to bond. Did you run away from home? Are you a rent boy and everything? Fuck off, I'm looking for Kenny. Look, let's just try to continue our evening as if he wasn't here and if he tries to escape, I'll just have to... take him down. 'I've got balls like baked potatoes. ' And how would you "take him down", just out of interest? With extreme prejudice or On Her Majesty's Secret Service? Has anyone seen the new Tom Hanks film with him in the? Saw it on pirate. It's shit. Look, shut up! You are not part of this conversation! Oh, look, this is too weird. Let's lock him away somewhere until the police arrive. Good. We're trying to relax. He's your guest - put him in your room. - He might do a shit in there. - I'm not gonna shit! Mark, everyone in London is not trying to do a shit on your possessions. Relax. What's this? 'Oh, the Megatron is shrinking my massive balls. ' That... What is? Did you do that? You're sick! What? Why don't we tie him up in the bath? I guess we could tie him up in the bath but it might feel like we'd crossed a bit of a line. Why don't we burn him with cigarettes? He might tell you where your stuff is. We are not going to burn him. - Suze, that's horrible! - She's only brainstorming. I think the best thing for you is if we just stick you out on the balcony. Oh, the balcony, you serious? It's fucking raining. What about my human rights? There's no human right to be dry. You have a look for Kenny out there. 'That felt good. Maybe I should join the prison service. ' This is quite a weird date, Jeremy. Even weirder than when we went to Laser Quest - and you tried to hump me in the dark. - Jeremy. Since when are you on a date with Big Suze? What about the chlamydia, didn't she mind? Er, no. Not really. Oh, my God, you haven't told her! You're disgusting! According to Johnson, they're not even definitely broken up. I won't let you do this, Jeremy! If necessary, I'll stand physically between you. Mark... If I have to fuck you to fuck her, then I will. So you be careful where you stand, OK? - Is he on the phone? - Oh, God... 'Guantanamo is compromised! ' Give me that. Who are you phoning? Just calling my mates... All my mates. They're coming over. Oh, fucking hell! Let's just get him out of here. No, the police will be here soon, Jeremy. Any minute now our door will get kicked down by 100 maniacs with no stake in society. Is that your idea of a relaxing date? - We've got to tough it out. - Fine, you're a knob. Good luck with your civilisation. I'm barricading myself in my room. Suze! 'Great, it's me protecting civilisation again while Jeremy has sex. 'If this was the war, I'd be getting shot by Rommel 'while he was in Paris getting a blow-job from a Nazi. ' Sorry it's been such a weird evening. Memorable, though. 'Maybe I can raise the temperature a bit? ' So... here we are, on bed together. 'Bit too much? ' Look at that... Look how much bigger my feet are than yours. I'm not boasting, they just are. 'Oh, yeah, now she's getting hot' Oi! Come on, Mark - hurry up and open up! Let's have you! Mark, the barbarians are at the gate! It's your responsibility! Ignore the banging and the threats, Heather. Relax and have some cheese. 'Ls cheese relaxing? ' They're going to get in and have us all, Mark. Just let him go, OK? No, Jeremy, that's not how I roll... You know that. We know he's fuckin' in there. Let him out, you mug! 'That little dick! If they come in here and kill me 'before I get to have sex, I'm going to be so annoyed. 'Oh, fuck it! ' I'll let you go, cos I'm a really nice guy like that, but promise you won't burgle us again. We've got a bond. 'I think he likes me. ' I'm going to let you go now, but if you ever come back, then me and my mate will go mental. OK? 'OK, this is good. 'He'll probably write a rap about how amazing I am. ' - 'Shit! ' - Hattie's got a massive TV. Give us your TV or we'll fucking rush you. 'Don't hurt my lovely face! ' 'God, she's lovely. But how do I take it to the next level? 'Boast about the size of my hands? 'Tell her she might be the one? What have I got to lose? ' Well, it's been fun. I'm really glad we did meet up, but... Maybe I should... Yeah, I guess you probably should. But there is the mob, so the mob probably means you can't actually go just yet. Shall I top you up? 'Thanks, mob. ' THUMP Fuck! Shit! Careful! Quick, let's go, boys. What the? ! What's going on, Jeremy? ! He escaped, he overpowered me. They got in. Stop! Stop, thieves! Fuck off, clean shirt! The front door was locked! You let them in, didn't you, Jeremy? - No. - Then how did he open the door? ! Well, maybe you should chase them down, Mark. Maybe if your date saw you beating up a whole gang of children, that would get her hot. 'Right, you shit. It's mutually-assured destruction! ' Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease. - I'm sorry I had to tell you... - Shut up! Is it AIDS? Of course it's not AIDS. This isn't the '80s. It's the best STD. Just cute, old, mostly symptomless chlamydia. And I haven't even definitely... Chlamydia? ! When were you going to tell me, Jeremy? I don't know. Probably... I was going to tell you, sensitively, during the next little bit of time, until he just blurted it all out. Look, Suze, no...! Suze! Don't go! You can't go. Mark, I need to go. The police will be here any minute, and I'm not telling them I let the burglar go. That's your job. - You're an accessory to the crime. - Bollocks! Jeremy, if you try anything, I will take you down. I'm not afraid. Ooh! I can't wait to see this. What are you going to do? Oh, my God! What are you doing? Are you putting your hand on me? Are you having a fight with me? Are you fighting me? I'm doing what I've got to do. - I'm going to go, Mark. - No, Jeremy. My God, you are! You are fighting me! This is incredible! You are putting your foot behind me and you're pushing me down towards the floor! Finally, you're restraining me! OK, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just keeping you here till the police arrive. This is... Why hasn't this happened before? This is what it's all been leading towards! I'm confiscating your keys. Have a good rootle around - you never know what you might find. Mark, Mark... I'm not sure how much more there is I can do here, so I might head off. No, no, no, we're having a date. We can still date. You owe me a date. We've had our date, Mark. We've had half an hour date. 20 minutes, it's too soon. You can't go yet. I won't let you go. I think it might take the edge off the evening if I'm being held hostage! Look, I wanted to tell you something. Nothing's going to happen. We're not a good fit. You're a weird guy. He is a weird guy. I tried to let you down gently with the phone story but now I'm tired and I'm going home. What did you want to tell me? I thought that... you might be... the one, but... but... I guess probably not, so... Good night. 'Night. She might be the one. Fuck off, Jeremy. 'I'm his one. ' Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me Just say you never met me I'm runnin' underground with the moles, digging' holes Yes! My name is Professor Nick Cutter. Eight years ago, my wife Helen disappeared. I discovered she had stepped into the past through ruptures in time called anomalies. Now creatures from the past threaten the future of the human race. There's only a small group of people who know the truth my research team. Stephen Hart Connor Temple and Abby Maitland and government officials James Lester and Claudia Brown I returned from the past to find something has gone terribly wrong and Claudia Brown has vanished as though she was never even born I've come back to a different world. And Helen and I are the only two people who know it. bbs.flyine.net donatino.skygate.cn Oh, my God! It's closing! No I have to go! I have to make things right! Don't be stupid! You'll get marooned there. Come on Something's happened. Something happened while I was in there something's changed The world's evolved differently. On my way I think we're done here, aren't we? No, no Claudia Brown... Claudia Brown She's been with us since the beginning She was in charge of the day-to-day running of the operation. No, that's Leek. Oliver Leek You can't have forgotten him. You saw him at the ARC today. The what? The ARC. The Anomaly Research Centre. No, you mean the Home Office? No we moved from that place ages ago. Is he having a nervous breakdown? If someone can call an ambulance... He's fine. You're getting a little old for imaginary friends, Professor. Castle Cross Shopping Mall A quiet night? What the... Spoke to soon probably kids. All right, fun's over. I need back up. We've got an intruder. Don't make me come in there and get you. ANOMALY RESEARCH CENTER Evening, Professor. What have we got? A new creature report. Erm, intercepted emergency call at the Castle Cross shopping mall. A security guard screaming something about a monster. A shopping mall.... God help us. I've instructed the police to stay out until we've investigated. Ah Professor glad to see you back well and safe. Though I gather your... wife won't be joining us? Who the hell are you? Ah, yes, Professor Cutter's suffering from some kind of stress-related amnesia. He seems to have forgotten... pretty much everything, really. No I haven't forgotten a thing. I wish I could. And now he's being enigmatic as well. What a vivid repertoire. Are you really telling me you don't know who this man is? Nah, course it's Leek. Oliver Leek. I know exactly who he is. Is this industrial action or did no-one hear... that we have a creature in a shopping mall? Guys I'm on it. Cutter's always been eccentric but I now think he's just deranged. I suppose all very brilliant men are a little bit... unusual, sir. I'm brilliant, Leek, and I'm not the least bit unusual. You didn't have a clue who Leek was, did you? Uh-uh. OK, you're officially freaking me out. Let me get this straight. You're saying something's changed because of what happened in the Permian anomaly? Like evolution has just what, altered course? I'm glad somebody was listening. You believe me? All right. I'll buy it. I could kiss you, Connor. That's very sweet, but maybe not while there's people watching. One thing, though. How do I know how I'm different when I don't know what I was like before? Apparently some people never change. Is that a bad or a good thing? What are we using? Ketamine for now. But it would help if I knew what size creature we were dealing with. I've had to guess the dosage. Where's my gun? Abby's got one. She knows how to use it. How many animals have you tranquilized? I've played darts. Well, sometimes I think you don't trust me with firearms. I don't know what gives you that idea. You ready? Yes. So what now? We go in. Who are you? Duty manager. Tell us what happened. We got a call from one of our operatives. We haven't been able to raise him since. What did he say? He didn't really say anything. He just sort of... screamed Did you see anything in there? I want you to close these shutters behind us and I don't want you to open them again, until I tell you it's safe. Because whatever happens, it mustn't get out. What mustn't get out? Hang on, who the hell are you lot? Are we OK? About what? We can't ignore what happened. Oh, you mean the fact that you slept with my wife? Stephen, if you're looking for closure, I'm a little bit busy. I don't blame you for being angry. Helen never cared about either of us. She's mad. Mad? She took off through an anomaly for eight years. Does that strike you as well-balanced? Just forget it. I'm finished with the past.It's just... I don't know if it's finished with me. Don't you hate it when people bring their personal lives to work? Can you get any closer? Come on, show us what you are. What's that? Not sure. A Cretaceous era therapod dinosaur. The genuine article. A raptor. I always hoped we'd get one someday. It's beautiful. I said it was beautiful. I didn't say it was friendly. Oi, where are you going? I'm gonna get a slushy, ssh! It gets me every time. Do you think the raptors have gone back through? When was life ever that simple? I hope you're going to pay for that. Yeah... if you can lend me a fiver. Thank you, Abby. Abby! What? Close the shutter! OK. Really quickly! Connor, run! Come on! Oh, I hate that. What? Brain freeze from the...slushy. Right go check the atrium, make sure we can contain it. We need more firepower. This is a raptor. I've just lost a friend because we disrupted nature once too often. I don't intend to let it happen again. You're sure you're OK? Under the circumstances I'd say I was doing pretty well. Whoa. Abby, give me your gun. Stay here. You good? Go! Don't shoot. Abby, Connor... get this guy out of here. Hello. Come on you'll be fine. Lester wants to know what's going on. We've got a confirmed anomaly and one very angry raptor. I'll put armed back-up on standby and say there's a security scare. They'll stay closed as long as it takes. Leek has the concept of personal space ever been explained to you? Sir, it's from the Ministry and is marked top priority. Private sector PR Manager? What am I supposed to do with them? The minister thinks that we need more help with the media. He feels that the situation is kind of getting out of hand. His words, not mine. The last thing I need is some greasy PR supremo sucking up to the press. This isn't a reality TV show. Let me know the minute it's safe to re-open. Keep in touch. You know how I worry when I don't hear from you. A raptor in a shopping centre. How can I explain that to the owners? I think a PR person might not be such a bad idea after all. - I haven't got my jacket. - You can get it later. - I need my wallet and my keys. Smashed clean off its hinges. Cutter! In your own time! Shoot it! Just shoot the damn thing! You all right? The gun jammed. Wait. Did you leave that door open? I... I don't remember. Give me the gun. - What? - Come on. No. Please. No. Just for a minute. What, do you want to go first? Thank you. Clear! Clear, guys. Connor... - You're ridiculous. - What? I said you're ridiculous. What you mean ridiculous? I'm just doing my job. - Shoot it! - All right, fine. Got it, got it. It's fine. Come on It's not exactly staying still for me, is it? Shoot it, Connor! - It's fine, I got it. - Argh! You idiot. Erm, Abby, I'm sorry... Sorry. OK, I'm just gonna have to just do this. I'll be back with you in a minute, all right? Now, hold on. So you think that I would just have stood by and watched you get torn to pieces? That depends on how much you resent me for what happened with Helen. Yeah, you're right, I do. I resent you. But if I wanted you dead... I'd have shot you myself. Stephen! Run! It's jammed. Stephen, wait here! You all right? Look at it. Just the perfect killing machine. Do you know, in a fair fight, mammals wouldn't stand a chance. Well, speaking as a mammal, I'm all in favour of cheating. About the gun, erm... ..I was wrong. Ah, never mind. Listen, you could have gone with Helen, you could have left, and you didn't. And right now... ..that's all that really matters. So... ..so just...forget about the rest. Do you think she'll be back? Is she finished messing with us? I seriously doubt it. Helen never handled rejection particularly well. Professor! Stephen! What happened? I shot her. Collateral damage, though, cos I got the raptor too. You brought down a full size raptor on your own? Yeah. He's nearly full size. Is she gonna be all right? She will have a nasty headache but she should be fine. She'd better come around soon cos I need all of you to get the raptors back alive. Alive? Yeah. These things are trying to make sushi out of us and we have to play nice. That doesn't seem fair. The cleaner was attacked, he was badly injured. I... I don't get it - he was right there. He was in a really bad way. Well, he must have recovered and got himself out. One raptor is a problem. Two means we've got an infestation and God knows how many running around down there. I want you to take this to the bowling alley and meet us in the store. On my own? It's unconscious. You've got nothing to worry about. What if it's just playing dead? - Playing dead? - Yeah. You know, as Cretaceous era predators go, this creature's pretty smart. So yeah, you probably... Watch out for that. Yeah. Really? Interference. Seems odd. She's gonna kill me when she wakes up. The first Security Guard was attacked here. The second one here. Both attacks happened within seconds, Which means there's at least two. And we've only found one. And a baby. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be looking after Abby. I thought you were doing that. Look! Oh, God! Abby! Stay here, tell us where it's going. Right, stay here, tell 'em where it's gone. Where's it gone? Come on, come on, where are you? I can see it, Cutter. It's on the level beneath you. I repeat, on the level below. I can't see it, it's disappeared again. Where's it gone? Oh for crying out loud, how hard can it be to see a raptor in a shopping centre? Oh, my God! Guys it's heading towards the bowling alley. It's going towards Abby.Be quick - it's moving pretty fast. Come on, come on, you can do this. Connor she's fine. Oops, she's coming around again. I'll just give it a quick... No, hang on, just wait a minute. There are three raptors, one of them's a baby. So the chances are they're a family unit. So maybe we don't have to go looking for daddy. Maybe this little fellow will bring him to us. That's right, you shout for your daddy. Now, let's just hope they're a close family. Where do you want me? I want you in there with Abby. Give me that. Go. What's going on? Tell you later. What happened? That's two doses of tranquiliser. We have to up the amount. They're too dangerous. We can't keep taking stupid risks. Stephen, everything we do has an impact. We've killed them before.Nothing happened. How do you know for sure? Maybe the strain of going through the anomalies has got to you. Maybe you only think these changes took place. What, do you think I dreamed Claudia Brown? The whole pattern of evolution changes but just one person disappears? One person who happens to be a friend of yours. No, it's not that simple. The Arc didn't even exist before I left. There's a whole team of people in there I've never even met. There might be countless other things, big and small! I don't know yet! I'll only use it if I have to. Hey! Hey! Have you seen an animal pass this way? A dog? A polar bear? What? No, trust me, you'd know if you'd seen it. We've got to get it back to the mall. What the hell was that? A radio controlled Cretaceous era raptor. Probably be in the shops by Christmas. Chase me! You've got to admit, that's pretty awesome. Pretty cool, but you could tell it was a model. Yeah, course. Oi, what about my bike? Connor! Where the hell are you? We're on our way up to the second floor. Professor! Out of the way! Bet you boys are glad you gave me a gun now huh? Yeah. - How are you feeling? - Terrible.. Do you want me to get you something? I could get you a glass of water. Stop fussing, Connor, I'm fine. Abby, I want you to know something. If I wanted to shoot anyone you'd be the last person I'd shoot. Apart from my mother, obviously, you'll be bottom of the list with her. In fact, I don't think I'd shoot either of you. Can we stop this? Can you move the gun... out of the Abby area. -Sure. -Thanks.. I've got your back. What can you feel? It's strange. It's bone structure feels more like a bird's wing than anything reptilian. So, guys, let me get this straight. All we have to do is drag two of the angriest creatures in the known universe through a hole in time, back into an ancient world where we don't know what's waiting for us. Put like that, it sounds so easy. I'm going to do this on my own. We'll help. Who's "we"? I didn't say I wouldn't. I just prefer to do my own volunteering. Thank you. I'm doing this on my own. I don't want any arguments. Connor. How long have I got? Er, I don't know. You know, it's so hard to say. 90% of the anomalies are gone within hours. This one's been here most of the night already. Come with me. OK, what I want you to do is... I want you to tune every one of these radios to 87.6 on FM. Now, doesn't that sound strange to you? Interference. Why? Come on. You think it's something to do with the anomaly? It could just be a technical problem at the radio station. Well, then, I want you to get on to that and find out. Sure. But if it is the anomaly that's causing this, that means there could be interference anytime one opens. Which would explain why Helen was always one step ahead of us. She must have some receiver to spot them. We could build a detector. Something that traces the anomalies within seconds where it appearing If the interference stops when the anomaly disappears, then maybe we're onto something. Now, if I don't make it back this time, Connor... ..it's down to you. Cutter, I've been meaning to ask you... This Claudia Brown. What was she like? What does it matter? I mean to you she never even existed. Tell me anyway. Well, she was OK. She... Good at her job. Loyal. Team player. But not as tough as she pretended to be, but she was strong when it mattered. She meant a lot to you? Yeah. Sorry. What for? That I didn't know her and... cos you lost her. I want to believe you. I really do, but it's hard. I know. These two won't be asleep for much longer. OK... this is as far as you go. Yeah... I thought you might try something like this. So I followed you through, just in case you had some crazy idea about not coming back. I have no idea what you're talking about. OK. I know what you're talking about. But so what? Maybe it's for the best. What? Dying out here in this Godforsaken place? I figure if I travel through enough anomalies, then maybe I can fix it, maybe I can change things back the way they were. What if there's no way back? What if this world is the only one there is? I mean look, it's suicide. I don't want to die, Stephen. I just want to try and make things right. OK. OK, well, let's suppose that you do change things. How do you know that this time round we're not all just going to get wiped out? I don't. You could change a million things and still not get Claudia back. All you know is what's happening right here, right now. You know, for once in your life, forget about the past. Cos you've got a job to do. Yeah, all right. Just don't overdo it. You haven't been right for a while. Is it just me or is that anomaly closing? - You all right? - Where's Stephen? The anomaly's closing! Pull! Aaaargh! pull! Argh! Pull Well, you were right. It was the anomaly causing the interference. Yeah. We don't have to sit around waiting for the creatures any more. We'll know the anomalies are open before they do. Now all we have to do is find out what's causing the anomalies in the first place. That might take a wee bit longer. The place is clean and the anomaly's gone. You can give the all clear. Excellent. We'll handle it from here. Oh, good work, by the way. That could have been very nasty. Indeed. You know you deserve a rest and a chance to recover. Take an hour. No, let's not be mean, take two. I'll see you back here at nine. Forget it. I'm going home to bed. Well, there's someone I'd like you to meet. A new member of the team. Who? Oh, some sort of PR wizard. Basically, he'll be our cover-up specialist. Protecting the public from what they don't need to know and so on. An unpleasant job but it has to be done. Fine. Whatever. What's this? Erm, revised details on the new recruit, sir. Seems that the new man is not actually a man. Hm. Well, her qualifications seem impressive enough anyway. Morning. - You're late. - So fire me. We can all dream. Now you're finally here, perhaps we can get going. Hello. I'd like you all to meet your new colleague. This is Jennifer Lewis. Claudia Brown Jenny. Nice to meet you. There's something inside. What are those things? They're worms.Just a bit less friendly than the ones in your garden. Will someone tell me what the hell is going on? Get it off! Yes! My name is Professor Nick Cutter. Eight years ago, my wife Helen disappeared. I discovered she had stepped into the past, through ruptures in time called anomalies. Now creatures from the past threaten the future of the human race. There's only a small group of people who know the truth: my research team. Stephen Hart, Connor Temple... and Abby Maitland, and government officials James Lester... and Claudia Brown. I returned from the past to find that something has gone terribly wrong, and Claudia Brown has vanished, as though she was never even born. I've come back to a different world. And Helen and I are the only two people who know it. Oh, my God! It's closing! No! No, I have to go! I have to make things right! Don't be stupid! You'll get marooned there. Come on. Something's happened. Something happened while I was in there, something's changed. The world's evolved differently. On my way. I think we're done here, aren't we? No, no Claudia Brown... Claudia Brown. She's been with us since the beginning. She was in charge of the day-to-day running of the anomaly operation. No, that's Leek. Oliver Leek. You can't have forgotten him. You saw him at the ARC today. - The what? - The ARC. The Anomaly Research Centre. No, you mean the Home Office? No. We moved from that place ages ago. Sorry, is he having a nervous breakdown in the aft of the meeting? - So, if someone can call an ambulance... - He's fine. You're getting a little old for imaginary friends, Professor. A quiet night? What the... Spoke too soon, probably kids. All right, fun's over. I need back up. We've got an intruder. Don't make me come in there and get you. Evening, Professor. - What have we got? - A new creature report. Erm, intercepted emergency call at the Castle Cross shopping mall. A security guard screaming something about a monster. A shopping mall. God help us. I've instructed the police to stay out until we've investigated. Ah Professor. Glad to see you back well and safe. Though I gather your... wife won't be joining us? Who the hell are you? Ah, yes, Professor Cutter's suffering from some kind of stress-related amnesia. He seems to have forgotten... - pretty much everything, really. - No. I haven't forgotten a thing. I wish I could. And now he's being enigmatic as well. What a vivid repertoire. Are you really telling me you don't know who this man is? Nah, of course it's Leek. Oliver Leek. I know exactly who he is. Is this some kind of industrial action or did no-one hear... that we have a creature sighting in a shopping mall? Guys. We're on it. Cutter's always been eccentric, but I'm beginning to think he's just plain deranged. Well, I suppose all very brilliant men are a little bit... unusual, sir. I'm brilliant, Leek, and I'm not the least bit unusual. You didn't have a clue who Leek was, did you? Ok, you're officially freaking me out. Let me get this straight. You're saying that something's changed because of what... happened in the Permian anomaly? Like evolution has just what, altered course? I'm glad somebody was listening. You believe me? All right. I'll buy it. I could kiss you, Connor. That's very sweet, but maybe not while there's people watching. One thing, though. How do I know how I'm different... when I don't know what I was like before? Apparently some people never change. Is that a bad or a good thing? - What are we using? - Ketamine for now. But it would help... if we knew what size creature we were dealing with. I've had to guess the dosage. Where's my gun? - Abby's got one. - She knows how to use it. - How many animals have you tranquilized? - I've played darts. Well, sometimes I think you don't trust me with firearms. I don't know what gives you that idea. You ready? Yes. So what now? We go in. Who are you? Duty manager. Tell us what happened. We got an emergency call from one of our operatives. - We haven't been able to raise him since. - What did he say? He didn't really say anything. He just sort of... screamed. Did you see anything in there? I want you to close these shutters behind us... and I don't want you to open them again, until I tell you it's safe. Because whatever happens, it mustn't get out. What mustn't get out? Hang on, who the hell are you lot? Are we OK? About what? We can't ignore what happened. Oh, you mean the fact that you slept with my wife? Stephen, if you're looking for closure, I'm a little bit busy. I don't blame you for being angry. Helen never cared about either of us. She's mad. Mad? She took off through an anomaly for 8 years. Does that strike you as well-balanced? Just forget it. I'm finished with the past. It's just... I don't know if it's finished with me. Don't you hate it when people bring their personal lives to work with them? Can you get any closer? Come on, show us what you are. What's that? Not sure. A Cretaceous era therapod dinosaur. The genuine article. A raptor. I always hoped we'd get one someday. It's beautiful. I said it was beautiful. I didn't say it was friendly. Oi, where are you going? I'm gonna get a slushy, ssh! It gets me every time. Do you think the raptors have gone back through? When was life ever that simple? - I hope you're going to pay for that. - Yeah... if you can lend me a fiver. Thank you, Abby. Abby... What? Close the shutter! OK. Really quickly! Connor, run! Come on! - Oh, I hate that. - What? Brain freeze from the... slushy. Right, go check the atrium, make sure we can contain it. We need more firepower. This is a raptor. I've just lost a friend because we disrupted nature once too often... and 'I don't intend to let it happen again. You're sure you're OK? Under the circumstances I'd say I was doing pretty well. Abby, give me your gun. Stay here. You good? Go! Don't shoot. Abby, Connor... get this guy out of here. - Hello. - Come on, you'll be fine. Lester wants to know what's going on. We've got a confirmed anomaly and one very angry raptor. I'll put armed back-up on standby, and tell the owners there's been a security scare. They'll stay closed as long as it takes. Leek, has the concept of personal space ever been explained to you? Sorry Sir, it's from the Ministry and is marked top priority. Private sector Public Relations Manager? What am I supposed to do with one of those? The minister thinks that we need more help with the media. He feels that the situation is kind of getting out of hand. His words, sir, not mine. The last thing I need is some greasy PR supremo sucking up to the press. This isn't a reality TV show. Let me know the minute it's safe to re-open. And keep in touch. You know how I worry when I don't hear from you. A raptor in a shopping centre. How can I explain that to the owners? I think a PR person might not be such a bad idea after all. - I haven't got my jacket. - You can get it later. I need my wallet and my keys. Smashed clean off its hinges. It's big. Cutter! In your own time! Just shoot the damn thing! Shoot it! You're all right? The gun jammed. Wait. Did you leave that door open? I don't remember. Give me the gun. - What? - Come on. - No. - Please... No. Just for a minute. What, do you want to go first? Thank you. Clear! Clear, guys. Connor... - You're ridiculous. - What? I said you're ridiculous. What you mean ridiculous? I'm just doing my job. - Shoot it! - All right, fine. Got it, got it. It's fine. - Come on! - It's not exactly staying still for me, is it? - Shoot it, Connor! - It's fine, I got it. You idiot. Erm, Abby, I'm sorry... Sorry. OK, I'm just gonna have to just do this. I'll be back with you in a minute, right? Now, hold on. So you think that I would just stood by and watched you get torn to pieces? Well, I guess that depends on how much you resent me for what happened with Helen. Yeah, you know, you're right. I do. I resent you. But if I wanted you dead... I'd have shot you myself. Stephen! - Run! - It's jammed. Stephen, wait here! You're all right? Look at it. Just the perfect killing machine. Do you know, in a fair fight, mammals wouldn't stand a chance. Well, speaking as a mammal, I'm all in favour of cheating. You know, about the gun, I was wrong. Ah, never mind. Listen, you could have gone with Helen, you could have left, and you didn't. And right now... that's all that really matters. So... so just forget about the rest. Do you think she'll be back? Do you mean do I think she's finished messing with us? I seriously doubt it. Helen never handled rejection particularly well. Professor! Stephen! - What happened? - I shot her. Collateral damage, though, 'cause I got the raptor too. You brought down a full size raptor on your own? Yeah. He's nearly full size. Is she gonna be all right? She will have a nasty headache but she should be fine. She'd better come around soon... 'cause I'm gonna need all of you to get the raptors back alive. - Alive? - Yeah. These things are trying to make sushi out of us, and we have to play nice. That doesn't seem fair. The cleaner was attacked, he was badly injured. I... I don't get it, he was right there. He was in a really bad way. Well, he must have recovered and got himself out. One raptor is a problem. Two means we've got an infestation... and God knows how many others running around down there. I want you to take this back to the bowling alley and come meet us in the store. On my own? It's unconscious. You've got nothing to worry about. What if it's just playing dead? - Playing dead? - Yeah. You know, as Cretaceous era predators go, this creature's pretty smart, so... yeah, it's probably... Watch out for that. Yeah. Really? Interference. Seems odd. She's gonna kill me when she wakes up. The first Security Guard was attacked here. The second one here. Both attacks happened within seconds of one another. - Which means there's at least two of them. - And we've only found one. And a baby. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be looking after Abby. I thought you were doing that. Look! - Oh, God! Abby! - Stay here, tell us where it's going. Right, stay here, tell 'em where it's gone. Where's it gone? Come on, come on, where are you? I can see it, Cutter. It's on the level beneath you. I repeat, on the level below. I can't see it, it's disappeared again. Where's it gone? Oh for crying out loud, how hard can it be to see a raptor in a shopping centre? Oh, my God! Guys it's heading straight towards the bowling alley. It's going towards Abby. You've got to be quick, it's moving pretty fast. Come on, come on, you can do this. Connor she's fine. Oops, she's coming around again. I'll just give it a quick... No, hang on, just wait a minute. There are three raptors, one of them's a baby. So the chances are they're a family unit. So maybe we don't have to go looking for daddy. Maybe this little fellow will bring him to us. That's right, you shout for your daddy. Now, let's just hope they're a close family. Where do you want me? I want you in there with Abby. Give me that. Go. What's going on? Tell you later. What just happened? That's two doses of tranquiliser and it's still on it's feet. We're gonna have to up the amount. They're too dangerous! We can't keep taking stupid risks. Stephen, everything we do has an impact. We've killed creatures before and nothing's happened. How do you know that for sure? Look, maybe the strain of going through the anomalies has got to you. Maybe you only think these changes took place. What, do you think I dreamed Claudia Brown? The whole pattern of evolution changes but just one person disappears? - One person who happens to be a friend... - No, it's not that simple. The ARC didn't even exist before I left. There's a whole team of people in there I've never even met. There might be countless other things, big and small! I don't know yet! I'll only use it if I have to. Hey! Hey! Have you seen an animal pass this way? - A dog? A polar bear? What? - No, trust me, you'd know if you'd seen it. We've got to get it back to the mall. What the hell was that? A radio controlled Cretaceous era raptor. Probably'd be in the shells by Christmas. Chase me! You've got to admit, that's pretty awesome. Pretty cool, but you could tell it was a model. Yeah, of course. Oi, what about my bike? Connor! Where the hell are you? We're on our way up to the second floor. Out of the way! I bet you boys are glad you gave me a gun now, huh? Yeah. - How are you feeling? - Terrible.. Do you want me to get you something? I could run and get you a glass of water. Stop fussing, Connor, I'm fine. Abby, I want you to know something. If I was gonna shoot anyone you'd so be the last person I'd shoot. Apart from my mother, obviously, but you'd be right down the bottom of the list with her. In fact, I don't think I'd shoot either of you. - Can we drop this? - Yeah. Can you move the gun out of the Abby area. - Sure. - Thanks.. I've got your back. What can you feel? It's strange. Its bone structure feels more like a bird's wing than anything reptilian. So, guys, let me get this straight. All we have to do is drag two of the angriest creatures in the known universe... through a hole in time, back into an ancient world... where we don't know what's waiting on the other side for us. When you put it like that, it sounds so easy. I'm going to do this on my own. - We'll help. - Who's "we"? I didn't say I wouldn't. I just prefer to do my own volunteering. Thank you. I'm doing this on my own. I don't want any arguments. Connor. How long have I got? Er, I don't know. You know, it's so hard to say. 90% of the anomalies are gone within hours. This one's been here most of the night already. Come with me. OK, what I want you to do is, I want you to tune every one of these radios... to 87.6 on FM. Now, doesn't that sound strange to you? Interference. Why? Come on. You think it's something to do with the anomaly? It could just be a technical problem at the radio station. Well, then, I want you to get on to that and find out. Sure. But if it is the anomaly that's causing this, that means there could be radio interference on this wave anytime one opens. Which would explain why Helen was always one step ahead of us. She must have some receiver to spot them. We could build our own detector. Something that traces the anomalies within seconds of appearing. If the interference stops when the anomaly disappears, then maybe we're onto something. Now, if I don't make it back this time, Connor, it's down to you. Cutter, I've been meaning to ask you... This Claudia Brown. What was she like? What does it matter? I mean, to you she never even existed. Tell me anyway. Well, she was OK. She... Good at her job. Loyal. Team player. Not as tough as she pretended to be, but she was strong when it mattered. She meant a lot to you? Yeah. Sorry. What for? That I didn't know her and... 'cause you lost her. I want to believe you. I really do, but it's hard. I know. These two won't be asleep for much longer. OK... this is as far as you go. Yeah... I thought you might try something like this. So I followed you through, just in case you had some crazy idea about not coming back. I have no idea what you're talking about. All right, I know exactly what you're talking about. But so what? Maybe it's for the best. What? Dying out here in this... Godforsaken place? Well, look, I figure if I travel through enough anomalies, then maybe I can fix it, maybe I can change things back the way they were. What if there's no way back? What if this world is the only one there is? I mean, look, it's suicide. Look, I don't want to die, Stephen. I just want to try and make things right. OK. OK, well, let's suppose that you do change things. How do you know that this time round we're not all just going to get wiped out? I don't. You could change a million things and still not get Claudia back. All you know is what's happening right here, right now. You know, for once in your life, forget about the past. Cause you've got a job to do. Yeah, all right. Just don't overdo it. You haven't been right for a while. Is it just me or is that anomaly closing? - You all right? - Where's Stephen? The anomaly's closing! Pull! Come on! Pull! Well, you were right. It was the anomaly causing the interference. Yeah. We don't have to sit around waiting for the creatures any more. We'll know the anomalies are open before they do. Now all we have to do is find out what's causing the anomalies in the first place. That might take a wee bit longer. Yeah. The place is clean and the anomaly's gone. You can give the all clear. Excellent. We'll handle it from here. Oh, good work, by the way. - That could have been very nasty. - Indeed. You know you deserve a rest, and a chance to recover. Take an hour. No, let's not be mean, take two. I'll see you back here at nine. Forget it. I'm going home to bed. Well, there's someone I'd like you to meet. A new member of the team. - Who? - Oh, some sort of PR wizard. Basically, he'll be our cover-up specialist. Protecting the public from what they don't need to know, that sort of thing. An unpleasant job but it has to be done. Fine. Whatever. What's this? Revised details on the new recruit, sir. Seems that the new man is not actually a man. Well, her qualifications seem impressive enough anyway. Morning. - You're late. - So fire me. We can all dream. Now you're finally here, perhaps we can get going. Hello. I'd like you all to meet your new colleague. This is Jennifer Lewis. Claudia Brown. Jenny. Nice to meet you. - Hey, baby. - Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to call... I probably won't be home for another few days. Oh, you making another one of your pit stops? What's her name this time, huh? - There's no girl. - Oh,really? I got to get this load to Punxsutawney. - Look, Shirl, I got to go. - Why? Because I drank a gallon of coffee, and I got to go! Oh, really? If I find that... Bones, wakey-wakey. Bones? Wakey-wakey. Eggs and bakey. Do you have any idea what time it is? 6:30, which is why I brought you this. Nice, uh, bed head there. So, uh, Seeley Booth, Mark Gaffney. What do you want, Booth? My partner. Got some pre-breakfast remains for you. You, uh, getting a little chilly there, Mark? - I'll go put some clothes on. - Excellent choice. It would be good if you called first. Well, who knew you were even dating? Well, I wouldn't call it dating. We occasionally make arrangements to spend time together. I'm just surprised you're not more picky. My relationship with Mark is purely physical, and I am very satisfied with him in that area. - Did you see his chest and his thighs? - Bones. What? Haven't you chosen someone because they were satisfying sexually? There has to be more than sex. Not really. Our interests and professions do not intersect. Well,what is he? Bricklayer? You know, truck driver? Tango dancer? He is a deep-sea welder. I wouldn't even think to put that on the list. Well, they work on oil derricks, repair boats. After being at sea for months at a time, he seems to enjoy having a sexual relationship, so... I'm sure. I am sure. Deep-sea welder. He can hold his breath for three minutes down there. - Underwater? - Of course. Come on,seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to blow up an outhouse? Probably accidental. Assuming a minimum methane level of five percent, a simple spark could trigger the explosion. - Of course, that would depend on the level of fecal deposit in the tank. - Okay. Just stop. Your aversion to feces is irrational. It's three-quarters water. Don't mention that to the guy who almost got his ass blown off. He survived? Well, kind of, but he ain't gonna be making any contributions to the gene pool anytime soon. If the victim is alive, then why are we here? Take a look. Go ahead. Yeah. Gunshot wound to the frontal lobe. Where's my new assistant? She's at security getting her ID and badge. There's powder residue on the bone indicating that the victim was shot at close range. These suits are so cool. I am a robot. Sorry. Dead for about 72 hours. No lividity on the legs. Wait. Poop will do that to you in three days? Actually,it's the fecal coliform bacteria,streptococcus and maggots. Guy you're looking for has major issues. He deposits the object of his rage in a literal pit of poop. Excrement being the symbol for that which we reject and hate about ourselves. Do we need to take lessons in toilet training issues? Front teeth are shattered. Shot in the head, punched in the face, and dumped in the poop. Whoever did this did not get enough therapy. Victim has veneers on the maxillary central and lateral incisors, and there's reshaping of the gum tissue, as well as the underlying bone. - Take a look. - Yeah. Looks like there's something in his throat. Looks like a photograph after the decomp and stomach acid got to it. He wasn't punched. The killer crammed that down the victim's throat so hard, it broke his teeth. There's a motive in that. You're gonna want to see what's in that picture. I'll call Angela. Bless you. Thank you. This is really a lot of feces. Stop making that face. It's just sewage, Ms. Wick. I realize that. Six barrels worth. - I'm fine. - Good. I just thought for safety's sake, perhaps a Hazmat suit... We got the all clear. No danger,no suit. - You got a problem with that? - No. No. Um, where's Dr. Brennan? I-I thought I'd be working with Dr. Brennan. She's with Agent Booth. She asked me to tell her all about how you're doing. Please tell her that I liked the smell. No pedicle laminae or spinous process means we're not talking vertebral arch, which is cool, 'cause I'm seeing thin lateral borders with small eminences. Makes it one thing and one thing only. A chunk of truck driver coccyx. My work here is done. Hand it over. What have we here? It's human hair. Distinct color variations. I'll turn it over to Hair and Fibers. I know Dr. Brennan is a stickler for protocol. There's no root bulb, which there should be if it was torn out. Cross-section is round, which suggests it's Mongoloid in origin. Wait. Dr. Saroyan determined that the victim is Caucasian. He couldn't have hair that's Mongoloid in origin. Yeah. Not bad. But he could if he used this keratin glue to stick a wig on his little bald head. Start sifting through the sewage and isolate the strands of hair. I scanned the skull, and I factored in age and build. I found the toupee. They know, Ms. Wick. I-I wasn't sure if you'd mentioned it. He didn't have to. You did everything but hire a skywriter. Have you gotten anywhere with the picture we pulled from his throat? No, not yet. I'm, um-- how can I put this-- depoopifying the fragments now to piece together some kind of image. He looks familiar. Let me add the fatty tissue and his new, expensive teeth. Hmm, he does look familiar. - Put on his toupee. - Which I found. Oh, my God. That's why he looks familiar. What? Be careful. If you cheat on your wife, you just might get Busted By Bill. Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Okay, that girl's the bait they use to lure the cheaters. Wait. What is this? Swing around. Get the wife. You son of a bitch! Joseph Marilla, I'm Bill O'Roarke, and you've been Busted By Bill. Wait. No! My back hurt. I thought she was a masseuse. I'm gonna kill you. You are dead! Dead! Next time, ask yourself this-- "Am I getting lucky, or have I just been Busted by Bill?" Our victim is Bill O'Roarke. Okay great, thanks. O'Roarke and his wife live in Cherry Ridge. Old Bill must have been making a tidy sum. Well, he shouldn't have been rewarded. He was perpetuating a primitive and prurient morality by parading victims for the purpose of entertainment. Well,you know what? You cheat on your spouse, you get what's coming to you. Anthropologically, 83 percent of societies are polygamous. Now you sound French, okay? Look,being faithful is what separates us, you know, from the chimps. No,actually, it's a gene called HAR1F. We're talking about the Ten Commandments here, Bones. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." One down from your personal favorite, "Thou shalt not kill." Oh, so you also believe that Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mount Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines on two pieces of rock? Yeah. That's why it's on the Supreme Court. Fascinating. I was supposed to be home this weekend. Bill and my 20th anniversary is in five days. Why weren't you here? Our daughter is away at college in Raleigh. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She adores her father. I mean, how am I going to tell her this? I told Bill not to do that stupid show. You were worried about him? Bill was a serious journalist until he met Arthur. Arthur produces the show. And at first Bill said no, but the money was unbelievable. I was just always so worried about him. Bill have any enemies? Have you seen that show? There isn't a man he caught that wouldn't want him dead. Amanda always resented the show, but it didn't stop her from spending the money Bill made. I'm telling you, if I thought this show had anything to do with Bill's death, I'd never forgive myself. Well,you know, just getting us the footage that we need should be enough. Well, Pete's pulling the cheaters the moment they were caught. And you are? I'm the producer, Veronica Landau. Agent Booth. This here is, uh, Dr. Brennan. Hey, is it true? Where they found him? Uh, upright and inverted in the refuse-filled pit of an outhouse? Yes. Oh, God. I'm sorry but it's very difficult to paint a pleasant picture of his demise right now. Look,who was the last person who saw Mr. O'Roarke alive? Me. 9:18, Friday night. That's specific. We had to shoot wraparounds. 9:20 would have put us into time-and-a-half, so I pulled the plug. I was, uh... I was supposed to pick him up on Saturday morning for the promos we were shooting; knocked on the door, wasn't there. Pete called me, and I called Arthur, we cancelled the shoot. No one was worried that he disappeared? Bill and I had a small disagreement Friday night. He wanted to go visit his kid at college, but we had a shoot scheduled. Promos. Anyone else hear this argument? No. It was personal. We walked away from the crew. Actually, it was, uh, it was pretty loud, Mr. Lang. Mr. O'Roarke threatened to quit. He was just blowing off steam. That's why I wasn't worried. Figured he'd just gone off with Amanda to see the kid. This is a popular show. It's probably worth millions of dollars, am I right? Why do you ask? Well, money like that, you must insure your star for quite a bit. Of course, but I think you're taking this all wrong. See, Bill and I were best friends. We played tennis together all the time, we... If he quit, you'd lose everything. And if he was found dead, you'd end up with a nice payout. Wouldn't you? Why don't you get Agent Booth everything he needs, Pete? I believe I should call my attorney. Arthur Lang will only talk through his attorney, who says he was in Atlantic City all weekend playing Keno. We're checking out his story. He could've hired a hit man. No, this was not a contract job, this was personal and violent. Okay, Sweets is on his way up with the show tapes to profile for a revenge killer. Okay, see you later. Whoa, Bones, wait a second. Where you going? I thought maybe we could, you know, help out Sweets. To a film. Oh, this is much better than a movie. Hours of fascinating video. Hey, great stories for the deep-sea welder. Actually, I'm going to the film with a botanist. Oh, I get it. You dumped Mark. It's too bad, I kind of liked the guy. No, I didn't dump Mark, I'm seeing both of them. At the same time? Mark and I have a physical connection. The botanist, while brilliant and fascinating, just... just doesn't appeal to me in that way. Okay, so all that stuff you said about monogamy being unnatural, you're just making excuses. I do not make excuses. Only people who are ashamed make excuses. Bones, two guys at the same time, it's not right. I mean, that's why they invented dueling. Hey, you guys ready? I know what I'm doing, Booth. My gut says you're going with your gut on this one, and we all know how that ends up. Not good. Uh, is there something we need to discuss before getting to work? No, no. Just call me when you find something of value. No, it's nothing. It's just, she's got a date. And how do you feel about that? It's not about me, okay? Let's go look at those videos. Do you have any idea how good it smells in here? It's Eau de Formaldehyde, glad you like it. There are hairline fractures at the base of the skull. Probably made when the photo was jammed down his throat. Dr. Hodgins could probably pull some particulates. Very good. My boyfriend thinks it's weird that I love doing this. But I think it's weird that he loves the accordion. I'm with you there. Dr. Brennan is my hero, always has been. I just, I hope she loves-- she likes me. Well, bonjour. Ante-mortem fractures to the lumbar vertebrae. Maybe two weeks old. - Try to find what caused it. - On it. It's just, Dr. Brennan and I are, like, the same, you know? We just, we understand that the dead don't talk back or want the window open when it's freezing out or pick at your plate or pee on the toilet seat... You might want to keep a little mystery about yourself. Sure. But you're gonna put in a good word for me, right? I mean, wouldn't it be fun if I were here forever? Yeah. Brush abrasions. Can you hand me a swab? I managed to get some usable pieces of that photo. - Just fragments, but it's a start. - Okay. I used an infrared camera and I excluded all the visible light. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the mystery couple were knocking boots. I always love your clinical assessments. - Sorry. I'm so sorry. - "Sorry"? - But nothing was gonna happen. - Nothing was gonna happen? You're in your under... Don't! Oh, God, please don't cry. - Don't cry? You're in your underwear. - Don't cry. What do you want me to... What'd I miss? Six men crying, two insisting they'd gotten lost, and four saying they were trying to show the poor, young woman how dangerous the Internet could be. Wow, parade of saints, huh? The murder was premeditated and filled with rage, not the act of someone apologetic or ashamed. Did you find any rage? Well, I know you don't have the benefit of years of psychological training, but, uh, check out one Jim Dodd. Come on, baby, I can't wait. You bastard! You're never gonna see this child, ever! Do you hear me? Ever! I'm Bill O'Roarke, and, Jim Dodd, you've been Busted By Bill! Oh, God! Stop it! Stop! - I'll kill you! - Stop! Come on, stop! Serious impulse control issues. Very good, Agent Booth. I've marked a few other possible suspects that match the profile, but I think Dodd exhibits the right amount of rage and self-justifying vengeance. So, Dodd's our guy. Let's go tell Bones, huh? Come on. Well... uh, couldn't we just call? No. Let's go. Open City might be Rossellini's best film. Rossellini had nothing, no sets... 1945-- the country had barely started rebuilding after the war. Yes. Of course, I'm also a big fan of Meatballs, Bill Murray's paean to anarchy. Hey, Bones. Special Agent Booth, her partner. I'm Dr. Lance Sweets. I'm their therapist. - Jason DeFry. - DeFry. Do you follow them around all the time? No. No, no, no. I'm also a profiler. I help with the cases. Did you know that she was on a date? Slipped my mind. Spiffy suit, man. Thanks. Picked it up in Italy. Little tight, huh? It's the style. You ever been married? No. Have a kid? Never been married, remember? - I have a kid. - He's never been married. I should get to work, Jason. We've got a murderer to catch, you understand? Of course, of course. You know, it's getting late anyway. Listen, I have Coldplay tickets for tomorrow night. Thought maybe we'd grab a bite first. Any interest? Absolutely. I might have to leave from work. No problem. I'll meet you at your office at 6:00? I'll be there. - Nice meeting you all. - Yeah. No wonder you two are platonic. What is that supposed to mean? Well, look, I'm fine with it, Bones, really. I have zero problems with it, but... that guy is gay. He is not gay. Please. Double cheek kiss, tight Italian suit... - Coldplay. - Never married... Coldplay. Jason is as heterosexual as either of you. Then how is it that he's okay with not having sex? What? Uh, we share an intellectual bond. I don't have physical feelings for him. He understands that. Not if he's straight. Right? Am I right? You are hot. You're here for a reason? Um, we got something off the DVDs... Mint tea, fruit tart... - Okay, speak, Sweets, please. - Okay, okay. Um, most of the cheaters were essentially cowards, seeking alternate sexual experiences because they're too afraid to confront the problems in their own lives. Just because someone seeks an alternative sexual outlet doesn't mean that they're a coward. - She has issues. - I do not have issues. Case in point: deep-sea welder and a botanist. What, did they go into a bar? No. Brennan's two boyfriends. Right. Let me guess, that one's the botanist. Yeah. - So you have nothing. - Show her. This is Jim Dodd. The photograph that you pulled out of O'Roarke's throat, turns out that Jim Dodd used to be a mall photographer at Tiny Tots Photography. Motive and means. Yeah, I mean, his landlord said he disappeared five days ago, no forwarding address. And you think he left because he was planning to kill Bill O'Roarke? Yeah, it fits, okay? Landlord also said he has a drinking buddy by the name of Chris Gutman. We're looking for him. What? This couldn't have waited till after I said good night to Jason? I'm just looking out for you, all right? You don't have the, uh, best taste in men. So you're going to hire a stalker to find Dodd? Perfect undercover move. So you think this is a good idea? Of course I do, it's mine, okay? Gutman was lying through his teeth. There he is right over there. This way, we'll be able to find out what he really knows. Yo, namaste, guys. - Hi, Noel. - Think they have mung beans? - I'm on an ayurvedic cleanse. - What? I do mung beans till Sunday, then I start the enemas. Listen,Noel, we'd like to harness you for your natural abilities. - You want your chart done? - No. Stalking. You like to stalk people. Observe them. Hey, Noel, eyes over here. Okay? Eyes on him, not her, him. Noel. Chris Gutman. - So not my type. - It's not recreational. I want to find out where he goes, who he sees, who he talks to. Okay,listen,he hangs out with a guy by the name of Jim Dodd. Want me to write that down for you? - No, I got it. - What's his name? - Jim Dodd. - Right. Jim Dodd. I want details. I'll give you 50 bucks. 50 bucks? Sure, but I got to be done by Sunday, because I got this... Right, the enemas. Nomaste. Namaste. Everything you never wanted to drain from outhouse sludge. Two toy cars, three cell phones, a doorknob, a rubber casing, plastic Easter bunny head, and-- drumroll... optional-- one slightly used 40-caliber bullet. Excellent. If Booth can find the murder weapon, we can match it. We may not have to wait that long. I took some initiative and checked out the lumbar fractures I found on O'Roarke; figured he'd have to be treated for them. He was treated at Providence Hospital. The police brought him in. The wife of a guy he busted rammed Bill with her grocery cart at Food King. You did this without my approval? And why shouldn't I toss you out of here right now? Dr. Brennan always says that in an intellectual pursuit, there are no limits. Well, in fact there are. Produce section road rage is a long way from shooting a man dead. Not if you're a police officer who carries a gun the same caliber as the bullet you found in the poop pit. "Capitol Police Sergeant Francis Diamond." Doesn't it feel like I've always been here? I hate Bill O'Roarke. He tried to destroy my marriage. But I didn't kill him. You don't think your husband cheating might have put a wrinkle in your relationship? What my husband did was not cheating. See, Booth, this is a woman enlightened enough not to expect a monogamous relationship. He'd never cheat on me. Okay, then why did you turn your husband in to the Busted by Bill show? I didn't, it was my sister. She called up their tip line. Kept insisting that he was messing around, but it wasn't true. Sergeant Diamond, we saw the video. Your husband met the young woman at the motel with flowers. And then took off his pants. He went there to warn her that it could be dangerous meeting someone online. Perhaps she's not so enlightened. Okay, Ballistics is going to need to see the sidearm. Please. Now. I want to show you what I found lodged in Bill O'Roarke's lower intestine. I can't understand why Booth has an issue with me seeing two men. Guys like to think they're the only ones who should sleep with more than one person. They like to be in control. Doesn't take a lot to throw the little darlings off their game. Oh, yeah, then you end up lying in bed holding them while they say, "I don't know what's wrong, this has never happened to me before." He should be happy that I've found a way to satisfy myself. It just happens to require two men. I've done that. I miss college. And the botanist, no biological imperative? He's flirted with the intent to become intimate, but Mark keeps me quite sated sexually. You've really got to learn some girl talk, sweetie. Okay, look at that. How did a wire get lodged in his intestine? Not sure yet. The tox screen's even stranger. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. Eye drops? And sildenafil citrate. Viagra. Bloodshot eyes and wood in a pill. Party time. Dr. Brennan, I'm Daisy Wick, your new grad assistant. I'd rather not learn your name until I've assessed your work. Oh,of course. I'm the same way. We're two of a kind. You're like a hero to me. Hero worship exposes a lack of independent intellectual examination. I'll tell Booth what we found. She is so smart. Yeah. So Sergeant Diamond's firearm wasn't a match. She wasn't even in town Friday and Monday. She was with her husband fixing her marriage at some tantric sex workshop. I've heard that if practiced correctly, tantric sexual techniques can extend orgasms by 400 to 500 percent. Whoa, they actually teach that? Teach what? Extended orgasms through tantric yoga. No,Bones, don't encourage this guy. - It's a godly pursuit, man. - Noel? What do you have for us? I followed Gutman from that gas station where he works. Are you embarrassed to talk about... - Noel... - Right. Gutman went off shift at 7:00, beelined for the roach coach. Dude actually ate a hot dog. - You have any idea how many toxins are in your average hot dog? - Yes,I do. Jim Dodd, Noel. - He caught the M Street bus. - Noel? Sat next to a girl wearing a Led Zeppelin tour T-shirt. Not a real one. One of those fakes where Jimmy Page has a Stratocaster instead of a Gibson. Where did he go? To a church: St. Xavier's. Goes down to the basement where they store all these awesome Christmas decorations. The Jesus is like... you could sit down and share a doobie with Him, you know? I really hope this has something to do with Jim Dodd. Not only did he meet up with Dodd, he sat next to him for two hours. With the life-sized Jesus? No, man! They were in divorce support group. They're breakup buddies. Oh, well, getting busted by O'Roarke must've ended Jim Dodd's marriage. Would you say that these divorce support groups were angry? No way. The guys are all sad and weepy. The dumped chicks eat it up. The Dodd dude, he's hooking up with at least two of them, which is probably why he goes there every day. Which I know... 'cause I photocopied the sign-in sheet. - Right, that's great. - So how'd I do? Huh? Oh, right. You did great. Here you go, pal. Get all the mung beans and the enemas you want. Boy, here you go. See ya. The loan shark's got me down for five G's plus the vig, so I told Gutman to keep his mouth shut if anybody asked about me. How was I supposed to know it was gonna be the FBI? So,why'd you do a runner last week? I owe two grand back rent, child support, alimony, plus the loan shark-- I mean, wouldn't you run? And all this hard luck is because of Bill O'Roarke, right? What? No. No, it had nothing to do with that. Where were you Friday and Saturday? I didn't kill him. I swear. Where were you? I drove to Jersey to borrow money from my mom. She pawned her engagement ring because the loan shark was gonna rip my ears off. Pathetic. Mother's contact information. Pathetic. So... it takes over two hours for this computer to render each new image, but this last pass gave us a little more detail in that photograph. What is that on her back? A tattoo? - It's a tramp stamp of some kind. - Cool. Useful, I hope. Anyway... I was starting to enhance the resolution when Sweets brought me the videos. O'Roarke was talking to his producer. Appeared upset, but the sound was distorted and barely audible. They were Busted By Bill. I'm Bill O'Roarke. Okay, let's get a tail slate. Arthur, a moment... now. Okay, I sampled Bill's voice and I removed all the extraneous noise. Arthur, a moment... now. What's up, Billy? This thing with Veronica, it's over. I can't work with her anymore. Oh, just kiss and make up. No, I want her gone. I'm serious. Sounds like Viagra-popping Billy might have gotten himself a bit too involved with someone at work. So that could be Veronica in the picture. Fits the profile: jilted and vengeful. That's a wrap. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I'm just packing up some things for our daughter. I, uh, I don't know if she wants them, but maybe someday. If you don't mind, Mrs. O'Roarke, we'd like a word with Veronica. Sure. Excuse me. Is there a problem? Did Mr. O'Roarke ask Arthur Lang to fire you? I'm still working here, aren't I? Because O'Roarke is dead. See, I'm thinking that you got fired, then you got angry, which led to revenge. Is he serious? Why would O'Roarke want you fired? I sold a new show... on my own. Bill accused me of stealing the idea from him. Did you? No. I didn't. I knew he'd be mad when he found out, but the idea was mine. And now that he's dead, we're just going to have to believe you, right? I worked with Bill every day for two years. We were incredibly close. We would've made up. How close? What is that supposed to mean? I believe Agent Booth is asking if you had sexual intercourse with O'Roarke. But I agree, he could have phrased the question more clearly. No. I was not sleeping with Bill. Do you have a tattoo on the small of your back? If there are no more questions, I would like to help Amanda with Bill's things. Excuse me. I'm done with the culture you swabbed from the wound on the victim's thigh. What'd you get? A trace of enameled iron, a fleck of silver plating. Maybe from a knife? Don't think so. The wound's too jagged and I found amylase activity. So he had saliva and iron in a wound on his thigh? And I found candidiasis in the saliva. Okay, so somebody with a thrush infection scratched him with something metal, and then licked him? You're getting warm. Look. Come on, you can do it. Distance between peaks is irregular and about two inches apart. wavy thigh scratch. Oral thrush. Wiggle your tongue side to side. You serious? Oh, yeah. Infected tongue piercing. You want to see it? Silver-plated iron. Come on, Holly, was it something that Bill did to you? I mean, he was older than you, huh? Probably took advantage of you? No. No, Bill was a good man. You two were sleeping together, weren't you? I don't have to answer questions like that. I know my rights. Your stud, please? You're kidding. You really should consider some nystatin for that infection, by the way. We found saliva in the laceration on your boss' thigh. And we can prove that it's yours. Your stud. Forget it. No way. Well, we have a court order. We know our rights, too, so... Your stud, please. That wasn't too hard. You're sure you don't want to talk to us? It is not what you think. What do I think? We loved each other. I didn't kill him. Why would I kill a man that I loved? Is that how you got the job, sleeping with O'Roarke? No! No, it was... it was Pete, the camera guy. Okay, Pete and I met at a club one night and we went out for a while. Anyway, we still have a place together. And Pete knew that I wanted to get into TV, so he got me a job as a production assistant, and, um... Bill just kind of took me under his wing. I'd say so. Didn't bother you that he was married? Perhaps he wasn't fully satisfied in a long-term relationship. Bones. What? It's understandable. Needs change. When did you last have intercourse? Is she for real? I'm sorry. We have to ask these kind of questions in a murder investigation. Intercourse? Friday night. Just before he disappeared. What happened, Holly? You were lying there in his arms. You tell him you're tired of his wife getting all the money, the... No, I never cared about the money. So... you tell him that he should leave her, but he says he's got a life with her, he's got a daughter, and right there, you snap, you realize you've been used. So you show him a picture of the two of you. Oh, my God. You cram this down his throat. Then you shoot him. Do you have any body modifications other than the... piercing, Ms. Markwell? What, like fake boobs? No, like tattoos. I have to, right? I'm afraid so. You know, I loved Bill. I didn't kill him. And there you have it. You are busted, Billy. Holly admits it's her in the picture but insists she didn't kill him. Well, if denial is severe enough, she might actually believe that. I know what was used to cram the picture down his throat. Because of what I found. Hi, Dr. Brennan. I don't fraternize at work. Daisy found the fractures on the sagittal suture, - which contained some particulates. - Told you. They are chlorinated polyethylene. It's the rubber used on the tail of a microphone. The copper wire we found in his intestine was from inside that rubber cap. Putrescent gases forced the wire into the esophagus, and the buoyancy of the outhouse sewage caused it to migrate up the digestive tract to the intestine. Well, Holly had access to the microphone. She's small. Do you think she could have upended a 180-pound man and placed him in a poop pit? You're her size. Pick up Dr. Sweets and turn him upside down. What? - That's not going to happen. - I have to. Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't, you don't, you don't, it's fine. Nice. So it's probably not Holly. Anyone else have access to the equipment? The print was e-mailed to somebody. The murderer was surprised and enraged by that image. I minored in psychology. - Really? - Yeah. Well, Holly wouldn't be surprised. She knew she slept with Bill. Right, but someone who was sleeping with either O'Roarke or Holly might have seen this. The image triggered the killer's rage. There was only one way to avenge that violation. The killer had to make sure that this image died with O'Roarke. That's brilliant. I know who did it. So, you sure? Yeah, it's the only person... who makes sense. Mark, wha-what are you doing here? Well, you told me to pick you up. With dinner? I... am so sorry. I... there's been an emergency. Okay, do you want me to reschedule, or... Temperance. Jason! What are you doing here? We're going to Coldplay, remember? - You remember Coldplay. - Coldplay? Sorry, I've been distracted by the case. Why don't we ever go to a concert? As a matter of fact, why don't we ever leave your bedroom? Um, can we talk about this later? We're about to arrest... You're dating this guy? I, I don't like that term. It has an antiquated moral and needlessly restrictive connotation. And who are you? Obviously, a guy who is not doing as well as you. This is Jason. Jason, Mark. Mark, Jason. Please understand, Jason, you're very good-looking, but sexual attraction is an involuntary hormonal response involving an increase in neutrophins and testosterone. So you get to go out? Mark, you are a strong and attentive man, but Jason is more stimulating intellectually. That's not the only way I could be stimulating. murderer? Murderer, yes. What do you do with this one, Temperance? this-- uh, Booth is my partner, that's all. - We should go. - Yes, okay. All right. Oh, Jason, we can talk at the concert. I'll meet you out front by 8:00, and Mark, we can talk later at... my apartment. Oh, yes. See you, boys. Thanks. I'll grab one of those. Thi-This is crazy. Why would I kill him? I mean, B-Bill and I were like family. Because he was sleeping with your girlfriend. Although not only did you lose your girlfriend, you lost your job. - It was not a good choice. - What is she talking about? No, Holly and I are-- we're just roommates. Yeah, but you used to be a couple and you were in love with her. And you felt that Bill ruined it for you. No, no. You said that O'Roarke wasn't home when you went to pick him up Saturday morning, but that's not true. Yeah, you brought him his usual cup of coffee, but this time you put in something a little special. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. That right there is squint talk for eyedrops. Old bartender's trick, guaranteed to give Bill the runs. - You know, you guys don't know what you're talking about. - Really? Where did you get that? What'd you do, Pete-- set up your own camera, shoot your own show so you could bust Bill? I just lost it. Look, I'm a nice guy. I am. You can ask anybody. I just lost it. Come on in. You look nice, Dr. Brennan. Oh, thank you, uh... I was supposed to go to a... gallery opening tonight. What, did Jason get a new tight suit? - With Mark. - Yeah, the two amigos. I thought he was more of your, uh, "stay at home" kind of a guy. I was visiting the possibility that I might enjoy him in a strictly conversational setting. And? Since the murder, I'm considering the argument for monogamy. Write that one down, Sweets. I have a positive influence on her. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. Mark broke up with me. Sorry. Well, what about "gay Jason"? Him, too. I guess they weren't as accepting of each other as I thought, so... Is it typical for you two to discuss your love lives? Well, I mean, only when she has naked men in her apartment. No, that's not true. I'm very open about my relationships, as opposed to you. Okay, what's that supposed to mean? You're very secretive, as if discussing your sex life would somehow be offensive to me. - I assume you are sexually active. - I do fine. Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds? A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing because then I could avoid the sting of rejection, which, however fleeting, is still uncomfortable. Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place. All relationships are temporary. No, that's not true, Bones. You're wrong. Okay, there is someone for everyone, someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all. Come on, I'll buy you dinner. Hey,I can be fun in a strictly conversational setting. See? Surrogate relationship. Surrogate nothing. Okay? It's a meal. With drinks. Just strictly conversational. I can come, too. Actually, our partnership does make it difficult to form other bonds-- no offense. Our session isn't over yet. How about Chinese? I love Chinese. Love it. I feel more like Thai. Thai? I got coupons to Hop Li. What, you're gonna take me out for a discount meal? What? There's two for one, and then they throw in some... Hi, is this Daisy Wick? Hey, this is Lance. Uh, the shrink. Yeah. Listen... sorry you got fired. Nothing. What are you doing? The accordion? No, no, no, I... I play a little bass, though. Bones Season04 Episode03 Man in the Outhouse small improvements by muscatete - Hey, baby. - Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to call. When are you coming home... I probably won't be home for another few days. You're making another one of your pit stops? - What's her name this time, huh? - There's no girl. - Really? - I gotta get this load to Punxsutawney. Really, I just... - Look, Shirl, I gotta go. - Why? Because I drank a gallon of coffee and I gotta go! Really? If I find that... Bones! Wakey-wakey! Bones! Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey. - Do you have any idea what time it is? - 6:30. Which is why I brought you this. Nice bed head there. Mmm. Whoa! Umm. So, Seeley Booth, Mark Gaffney. - Hey. - Hey. - What do you want, Booth? - My partner. Got some pre-breakfast remains for you. Getting a little chilly there, Mark? - I think I'll put some clothes on. - Excellent choice. It would be good if you called first. - Well, who knew you were even dating? - Well, I wouldn't call it dating. We occasionally make arrangements to spend time together. I'm just surprised you're not more picky. My relationship with Mark is purely physical. And I'm very satisfied with him in that area. Did you see his chest and his thighs? - Bones! - What? Haven't you chosen someone because they were satisfying sexually? - There has to be more than sex. - Not really. Our interests and professions do not intersect. Well, what is he? Bricklayer? Truck driver? Tango dancer? - He is a deep-sea welder. - Wow. I wouldn't even think to put that on the list. Well, they work on oil derricks, repair boats. After being at sea for months at a time, he seems to enjoy having a sexual relationship. So... I'm sure. I am sure. Deep-sea welder. He can hold his breath for three minutes down there. - Underwater? - Of course! Come on, seriously. Who thinks it's a good idea to blow up an outhouse? Probably accidental. Assuming a minimum methane level of five percent, a simple spark could've triggered the explosion. Of course, that would depend on the level of fecal deposit in the tank. Okay, just stop. Your aversion to feces is irrational. It's three-quarters water. Don't mention that to the guy who almost got his ass blown off. - He survived? - Well, kind of. But he ain't gonna be making any contributions to the gene pool anytime soon. If the victim is alive, then why are we here? Take a look. Go ahead. Yeah. Gunshot wound to the frontal lobe. Where's my new assistant? She's at Security getting her ID and badge. There's powder residue on the bone, indicating that the victim was shot at close range. These suits are so cool. I am a robot. - Sorry. - Dead for about 72 hours. No lividity on the legs. Wait. Poop will do that to you in three days? Actually, it's the fecal coliform bacteria, streptococcus, and maggots. The guy you're looking for has major issues. He deposits the object of his rage in a literal pit of poop. Excrement being the symbol for that which we reject and hate about ourselves. Do we need to take lessons in toilet training issues? His front teeth are shattered. Shot in the head, punched in the face, and dumped in the poop. Whoever did this did not get enough therapy. The victim has veneers on the maxillary central and lateral incisors. And there's reshaping of the gum tissue, as well as the underlying bone. Take a look. Looks like there's something in his throat. Looks like a photograph after the decomp and stomach acid got to it. He wasn't punched. The killer crammed that down the victim's throat so hard it broke his teeth. There's a motive in that. You're gonna want to see what's in that picture. I'll call Angela. - Bless you. - Thank you. This is really a lot of feces. Stop making that face. It's just sewage, Miss Wick. I realize that. - Six barrels' worth. I'm fine. - Good. I just thought for safety's sake, perhaps a hazmat suit? We got the "all clear." No danger, no suit. - Got a problem with that? - No, no. Where's Dr. Brennan? I thought I'd be working with Dr. Brennan? She's with Agent Booth. She asked me to tell her all about how you're doing. Oh. Please tell her that I liked the smell. No pedicle, laminae or spinous process means we're not talking vertebrial arch, which is cool, 'cause I'm seeing thin lateral borders with small eminences. Makes it one thing and one thing only, a chunk of truck driver coccyx! - My work here is done! - Hand it over. What have we here? It's human hair. Distinct color variations. I'll turn it over to Hair and Fibers. I know Dr. Brennan is a stickler for protocol. There's no root bulb, as there should be if it was torn out. Cross section is round, which suggests it's Mongoloid in origin. Wait. Dr. Saroyan determined that the victim is Caucasian. He couldn't have hair that's Mongoloid in origin. Yeah, not bad. But he could if he used this keratin glue to stick a wig on his little bald head. Start sifting through the sewage and isolate the strands of hair. I scanned the skull and I factored in age and build. - I found the toupee. - We know, Miss Wick. I just... I wasn't sure if you'd mentioned it. He didn't have to. You did everything but hire a skywriter. Have you gotten anywhere with the picture we pulled from his throat? No, not yet. I'm... How can I put this? De-poopifying the fragments now to piece together some kind of image. He looks familiar. Let me add the fatty tissue and his new expensive teeth. He does look familiar. - Put on his toupee. - Which I found. - Oh, my God. - That's why he looks familiar. What? Be careful if you cheat on your wife. You just might get busted by Bill. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Okay, that girl's the bait they use to lure the cheaters. - Wait. What is this? - Swing around. Get the wife. - You son of a bitch! - Joseph Perillo, I'm Bill O'Rourke. And you've been busted by Bill. Wait. No! My back hurt. I thought she was a masseuse! Lord, I'm gonna kill you! You are dead! Dead! Next time ask yourself this, "Am I getting lucky? "Or have I just been busted by Bill?" Our victim is Bill O'Rourke. Okay. Great, thanks. O'Rourke and his wife live in Cherry Ridge, old Bill must've been making a tidy sum. Well, he shouldn't have been rewarded. He was perpetuating a primitive and prurient morality by parading victims for the purpose of entertainment. You know what? You cheat on your spouse, you get what's coming to you. Anthropologically, 83 percent of societies are polygamous. Now you sound French, okay? Look, being faithful is what separates us, you know, from the chimps. No. Actually it's a gene called HAR1 F. We're talking about the Ten Commandments here, Bones. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." One down from your personal favorite, "Thou shalt not kill." So you also believe that Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mount Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines on two pieces of rock? Yeah. That's why it's on the Supreme Court. Fascinating. I was supposed to be home this weekend. Bill and my 20th anniversary is in five days. Why weren't you here? Our daughter's away at college. Raleigh. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She adores her father. I mean, how am I gonna tell her this? I told Bill not to do that stupid show. You were worried about him? Bill was a serious journalist until he met Arthur. Arthur produces the show. And at first Bill said no, but the money was unbelievable. I was just always so worried about him. Did Bill have any enemies? Have you seen that show? There wasn't a man he caught that wouldn't want him dead. Oh. Amanda always resented the show. But it didn't stop her from spending the money Bill made. I'm telling you, if I thought this show had anything to do with Bill's death, I'd never forgive myself. Well, you know, just getting us the footage that we need should be enough. Well, Pete's pulling the cheaters the moment they were caught. - And you are? - I'm the producer, Veronica Landau. - Agent Booth. This here is Dr. Brennan. - Hi. Hey, is it true? Where they found him? Upright and inverted in the refuse-filled pit of an outhouse? - Yes. - Oh, God. I'm sorry, but it's very difficult to paint a pleasant picture of his demise right now. Look, who was the last person who saw Mr. O'Rourke alive? Me. 9:18, Friday night. - That was specific. - Well, we had to shoot wrap-arounds. And 9:20 would've put us into time-and-a-half. So I pulled the plug. I was... I was supposed to pick him up on Saturday morning for the promos we were shooting. Knocked on the door, he wasn't there. Pete called me, and I called Arthur. We canceled the shoot. No one was worried that he'd disappeared? Bill and I had a small disagreement on Friday night. He wanted to go visit his kid in college. But we had a shoot schedule. Promos. - Anyone else hear this argument? - No. It was personal. We walked away from the crew. Actually it was... It was pretty loud, Mr. Lange. Mr. O'Rourke threatened to quit. He was just blowing off steam. That's why I wasn't worried. Figured he'd just gone off with Amanda to see the kid. This is a popular show. It's probably worth millions of dollars. - Am I right? - Why do you ask? Well, money like that, you must insure your star for quite a bit. Of course. But I think you're taking this all wrong. You see, Bill and I were best friends. We played tennis together all the time. - We... - If he quit, you'd lose everything. And if he was found dead, you'd end up with a nice payout. Wouldn't you? Why don't you get Agent Booth everything he needs, Pete? I believe I should call my attorney. Arthur Lange will only talk to his attorney, who says he was in Atlantic City all weekend playing keno. Well, we're checking out his story. - He could've hired a hitman. - No. This was not a contract job. This was personal and violent. Okay, Sweets is on his way up with the show tapes to profile for a revenge killer. - Okay, see you later. - Bones, wait a second. Where are you going? I thought maybe we could, you know, help out Sweets. - To a film. - This is much better than a movie. I mean, hours of fascinating video. Hey, great stories for the deep-sea welder. No. Actually, I'm going to the film with a botanist. Oh, I get it. You dumped Mark. It's too bad. I kind of liked the guy. No. I didn't dump Mark. I'm seeing both of them. - At the same time? - Mark and I have a physical connection. The botanist, while brilliant and fascinating, just... Just doesn't appeal to me in that way. Okay. So all that stuff you said about monogamy being unnatural, you're just making excuses. I do not make excuses. Only people who are ashamed make excuses. Bones, two guys at the same time, it's not right. I mean, that's why they invented dueling. - How can you say... - Well, hey, are you guys ready? I know what I'm doing, Booth. My gut says you're going with your gut on this one. And we all know how that ends up. Not good. Is there something we need to discuss before getting to work? No. No. Just call me when you find something of value. No. Nothing. It's just, she's got a date. Oh. And how do you feel about that? It's not about me, okay? Let's go look at those videos. Do you have any idea how good it smells in here? It's... It's Eau de Formaldehyde. Glad you like it. There are hairline fractures at the base of the skull. Probably made when the photo was jammed down his throat. Dr. Hodgins could probably pull some particulates. Very good. My boyfriend thinks it's weird that I love doing this. But I think it's weird that he loves the accordion. I'm with you there. Dr. Brennan is my hero. Always has been. I just hope she loves... She likes me. Well, bonjour. Ante-mortem fractures to the lumbar vertebrae. Maybe two weeks old? - Try to find what caused it. - On it. It's just Dr. Brennan and I are like the same, you know? We just... We understand that the dead don't talk back, or want the window open when it's freezing out, or pick at your plate, or pee on the toilet seat... You might want to keep a little mystery about yourself. Sure. But you're gonna put in a good word for me, right? I mean, wouldn't it be fun if I were here forever? Yeah. Brush abrasions! Can you hand me a swab? I managed to get some usable pieces of that photo. - Just fragments, but it's a start. - Okay. I used an infrared camera. And I excluded all the visible light. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the mystery couple were knocking boots. I always love your clinical assessments. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But nothing was gonna happen. - Nothing was gonna happen? - Look, nothing... - You're in your under... No! - Please don't cry. Don't cry? You're in your underwear. Look, don't cry. - What do you want me to... - Nothing was gonna happen. - What did I miss? - Six men crying, two insisting they'd gotten lost, and four saying they were trying to show the poor young woman how dangerous the Internet could be. Wow. Parade of saints, huh? The murder was premeditated and filled with rage. Not the act of someone apologetic or ashamed. Did you find any rage? Well, I know you don't have the benefit of years of psychological training, but check out one Jim Dodd. Come on, baby. I can't wait. You bastard! You're never gonna see this child ever! Do you hear me? Ever! I'm Bill O'Rourke. And Jim Dodd, you've been busted by Bill. - Oh, God! Stop it! Stop! - I'm gonna kill you! Stop! Come on! Come on, stop! Serious impulse-control issues. Very good, Agent Booth. I've marked a few other possible suspects that match the profile. But I think Dodd exhibits the right amount of rage and self-justifying vengeance. So Dodd's our guy. Let's go tell Bones. Come on. - What... Couldn't we just call? - No. Let's go. Open City might be Rossellini's best film. Rossellini had nothing. No sets... 1945, the country had barely started rebuilding after the war. Yes. Of course, I'm also a big fan of Meatballs. Bill Murray's paean to anarchy. Hey, Bones. - Hi. Special Agent Booth, her partner. - Hi. I'm Dr. Lance Sweets. I'm their therapist. - Jason DeFry. - DeFry. - Do you follow them around all the time? - No. No, no, no. I'm also a profiler. I help with the cases. - Did you know that she was on a date? - It slipped my mind. - Spiffy suit, man. - Thanks. Picked it up in Italy. - Little tight, huh? - It's the style. - You ever been married? - No. - Have a kid? - Never been married, remember? - I have a kid. - He's never been married. I should get to work, Jason. We've got a murderer to catch. You understand? Yeah, of course. Of course. You know, it's getting late anyway. Listen, I have Coldplay tickets for tomorrow night. Thought maybe we'd grab a bite first. Any interest? Absolutely. I might have to leave from work. No problem, I'll meet you at your office at 6:00? I'll be there. - Nice meeting you all. - Yeah. No wonder you two are platonic. - What is that supposed to mean? - Look, I'm fine with it, Bones. Really, I have zero problems with it. But that guy is gay. He is not gay. Please, double cheek kiss, tight Italian suit. - Coldplay. - Never married... - Coldplay. - Jason is as heterosexual as either of you. Then how is it that he's okay with not having sex? What? We share an intellectual bond. I don't have physical feelings for him. He understands that. Not if he's straight, right? Am I right? You are hot. You're here for a reason? - We got something off the DVDs. - Mint tea, fruit tart... - Okay, speak, Sweets, please! - Okay, okay. Most of the cheaters were essentially cowards seeking alternate sexual experiences because they're too afraid to confront the problems in their own lives. Just because someone seeks an alternative sexual outlet doesn't mean that they are a coward. - She has issues. - I do not have issues! Case in point, deep-sea welder and a botanist. What? Did they go into a bar? Huh? What... No. Brennan's two boyfriends. Oh! Right. Let me guess. That one's the botanist? Yeah. - So you have nothing? - Show her. This is Jim Dodd. The photograph that you pulled out of O'Rourke's throat? Turns out that Jim Dodd used to be a mall photographer at Tiny Tots Photography. - Motive and means. - Yeah. I mean, his landlord said he disappeared five days ago. No forwarding address. And you think he left because he was planning to kill Bill O'Rourke? Yeah, it fits. Okay? The landlord also said he has a drinking buddy by the name of Chris Gutman. We're looking for him. What? This couldn't have waited until after I said good night to Jason? I'm just looking out for you, all right? You don't have the best taste in men. So you're going to hire a stalker to find Dodd? Perfect undercover move. - So you think this is a good idea? - Of course I do. It's mine. Okay? Gutman was lying through his teeth. There he is right over there. This way we'll be able to find out what he really knows. - Yo! Namaste, guys. - Hi, Noel. Think they have mung beans? I'm on an Ayurvedic cleanse. - What? - I do mung beans till Sunday. Then I start the enemas. Listen, Noel. We'd like to harness you for your natural abilities. - You want your chart done? - No. Stalking. You like to stalk people. Observe them. Hey, Noel, eyes over here. Okay? Eyes on him. Not her. Him. Noel! Chris Gutman. - So not my type. - It's not recreational. I want to find out where he goes, who he sees, who he talks to, okay? Listen, he hangs out with a guy by the name of Jim Dodd. - You want me to write that down for you? - No, I got it. - What's his name? - Jim Dodd. Right. Jim Dodd. I want details. I'll give you 50 bucks. 50 bucks? Sure. But I gotta be done by Sunday because I got this... Right. The enemas. - Nomaste. - Namaste. Everything you never wanted to drain from outhouse sludge. Two toy cars, three cell phones, a doorknob, rubber casing, plastic Easter bunny head. And, drum roll... Optional. - One slightly used 40 caliber bullet. - Excellent. If Booth can find the murder weapon, we can match it. We may not have to wait that long. I took some initiative and checked out the lumbar fractures I found on O'Rourke. Figured he'd have to be treated for them. He was treated at Providence Hospital. The police brought him in. The wife of a guy he busted rammed Bill with her grocery cart at Food King. You did this without my approval? And why shouldn't I toss you out of here right now? Dr. Brennan always says in an intellectual pursuit there are no limits. Well, in fact there are. Produce section road rage is a long way from shooting a man dead. Not if you're a police officer who carries a gun the same caliber as the bullet you found in the poop pit. Capitol Police Sergeant Frances Diamond. Doesn't it feel as if I've always been here? I hate Bill O'Rourke. He tried to destroy my marriage. But I didn't kill him. You don't think your husband cheating might've put a wrinkle in the relationship? What my husband did was not cheating. See, Booth? This is a woman enlightened enough not to expect a monogamous relationship. He'd never cheat on me. Okay. Then why did you turn your husband in to the Busted by Bill show? I didn't. It was my sister. She called up their tip line. Kept insisting that he was messing around. But it wasn't true. Sergeant Diamond, we saw the video. Your husband met the young woman at the motel with flowers. And then took off his pants. He went there to warn her that it could be dangerous meeting someone online. Perhaps she's not so enlightened. Okay, ballistics is gonna need to see the sidearm. Please. Now. I want to show you what I found lodged in Bill O'Rourke's lower intestine. I can't understand why Booth has an issue with me seeing two men. Guys like to think they're the only ones who should sleep with more than one person. They like to be in control. It doesn't take a lot to throw - the little darlings off their game. - Yeah. And you end up lying in bed holding them while they say, "I don't know what's wrong. This has never happened to me before." He should be happy that I've found a way to satisfy myself. It just happens to require two men. I've done that. I miss college. And the botanist? No biological imperative? He's flirted with the intent to become intimate. But Mark keeps me quite sated sexually. You really gotta learn some girl talk, sweetie. Okay, look at that. How did a wire get lodged in his intestine? Not sure yet. The tox screen's even stranger. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. - Eye drops? - And sildenafil citrate. Viagra. Bloodshot eyes and wood in a pill. Party time. Dr. Brennan, I'm Daisy Wick, your new grad assistant. I'd rather not learn your name until I've assessed your work. Of course, I'm the same way. We're two of a kind. You're like a hero to me. Hero worship exposes a lack of independent intellectual examination. I'll tell Booth what we found. - She's so smart. - Yeah. So Sergeant Diamond's firearm wasn't a match. I mean, she wasn't even in town Friday and Monday. She was with her husband fixing her marriage at some tantric sex workshop. Well, I've heard that if practiced correctly, tantric sexual techniques can extend orgasms by 400 to 500 percent. - Whoa. They actually teach that? - Teach what? Extended orgasms through tantric yoga. No, Bones. Don't encourage this guy. It's a godly pursuit, man. Noel, what do you have for us? I followed Gutman from that gas station where he works. - Are you embarrassed to talk about... - Noel? Right, Gutman went off shift at 7:00. Beelined for the roach coach. Dude actually ate a hot dog. Do you have any idea how many toxins are in your average hot dog? - Yes, I do. - Jim Dodd, Noel. He caught the M Street bus. Noel. He sat next to a girl wearing a Led Zeppelin tour t-shirt. Not a real one. One of those fakes where Jimmy Page has a Stratocaster instead of a Gibson. - Where did he go? - To a church. St. Xavier's. Goes down to the basement where they store all these awesome Christmas decorations. The Jesus is like, you could sit down and share a doobie with him, you know? I really hope this has something to do with Jim Dodd. Not only did he meet up with Dodd, he sat next to him for two hours. - What? With the life-size Jesus? - No, man! They were in a divorce support group. They're break-up buddies. Well, getting busted by O'Rourke must've ended Jim Dodd's marriage. Would you say these divorce support groups were angry? No way. The guys are all sad and weepy. The dumped chicks eat it up. The Dodd dude, he's hooking up with at least two of them, which is probably why he goes there every day. Which I know because I photocopied the sign-in sheet. - Right. That's great... - So, how'd I do? Huh? Right. You did great. Here you go, pal. You can get all the mung beans and the enemas you want. Boy, here you go. See you. The loan sharks got me down for five G's, plus the vig. So I told Gutman to keep his mouth shut if anybody asked about me. How was I supposed to know it was gonna be the FBI? So why'd you do a runner last week? I owed two grand, back rent, child support, alimony, plus the loan shark. I mean, wouldn't you run? And all this hard luck is because of Bill O'Rourke, right? What? No. No, it had nothing to do with that. Where were you Friday and Saturday? - I didn't kill him. I swear. - Where were you? I drove to Jersey to borrow money from my mom. She pawned her engagement ring because the loan shark was gonna rip my ears off. - Pathetic. - Mother's contact information. Pathetic. Hey. So it takes over two hours for this computer to render each new image. But this last pass gave us a little more detail on that photograph. - What is that on her back? - A tattoo? - It's a tramp stamp of some kind. - Cool. Useful, I hope. Anyway, I was starting to enhance the resolution when Sweets brought me the videos. O'Rourke was talking to his producer. He appeared upset but the sound was distorted and barely audible. They were busted by Bill. I'm Bill O'Rourke. Good night. Okay, let's get a tail slate. Arthur, a moment? Now? What's up, Billy? Okay, I sampled Bill's voice and I removed all the extraneous noise. Arthur, a moment? Now? What's up, Billy? This thing with Veronica, it's over. - I can't work with her anymore. - Just kiss and make up. No. I want her gone. I'm serious. Sounds like Viagra-popping Billy might've gotten himself a bit too involved with someone at work. So that could be Veronica in the picture. Fits the profile. Jilted and vengeful. That's a wrap. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I'm just packing up some things for our daughter. I don't know if she wants them. But maybe someday. If you don't mind, Mrs. O'Rourke, we'd like a word with Veronica. Sure. Excuse me. Is there a problem? Did Mr. O'Rourke ask Arthur Lange to fire you? - I'm still working here, aren't I? - Because O'Rourke is dead. See, I'm thinking that you got fired, then you got angry, which led to revenge. Is he serious? Why would O'Rourke want you fired? I sold a new show on my own. Bill accused me of stealing the idea from him. - Did you? - No, I didn't. I knew he'd be mad when he found out. But the idea was mine. And now that he's dead, we're just gonna have to believe you, right? I worked with Bill every day for two years. We were incredibly close. We would've made up. How close? What is that supposed to mean? I believe Agent Booth is asking if you had sexual intercourse with O'Rourke. But I agree, he could've phrased the question more clearly. No. I was not sleeping with Bill. Do you have a tattoo on the small of your back? If there are no more questions, I would like to help Amanda with Bill's things. Excuse me. I'm done with the culture you swabbed from the wound on the victim's thigh. - What did you get? - There's a trace of enameled iron, a fleck of silver plating. Maybe from a knife? Don't think so. The wound's too jagged. And I found amylase activity. So he had saliva and iron in a wound on his thigh? And I found candidiasis in the saliva. Okay. So somebody with a thrush infection scratched him with something metal and then licked him? You're getting warm. Look. Come on. You can do it. Distance between peaks is irregular and about two inches apart. - Wavy thigh scratch? - Oral thrush. Wiggle your tongue from side to side. - You serious? - Yeah. Infected tongue piercing. - Show it to me. - You want to see it? Mmm-hmm. It's silver-plated iron. Come on, Holly. Was it something that Bill did to you? I mean, he was older than you, huh? Probably took advantage of you? No. No, Bill was a good man. The two of you were sleeping together, weren't you? I don't have to answer questions like that. I know my rights. Your stud, please. - You're kidding? - You really should consider some nystatin for that infection, by the way. We found saliva in the laceration on your boss's thigh. And we can prove that it's yours. Your stud. - Forget it. No way. - Well, we have a court order. We know our rights, too. So your stud, please. That wasn't too hard. - You sure you don't want to talk to us? - It is not what you think. - What do I think? - We loved each other! Okay? I didn't kill him. Why would I kill a man that I loved? Is that how you got the job? Sleeping with O'Rourke? No! No, it was Pete, the camera guy. Okay? Pete and I met at a club one night, and we went out for a while. Anyway, we still have a place together. And Pete knew that I wanted to get into TV. So he got me a job as a production assistant. And Bill just kind of took me under his wing. I'd say so. It didn't bother you that he was married? Perhaps he wasn't fully satisfied in a long-term relationship. - Bones... - What? It's understandable. Needs change. When did you last have intercourse? - Is she for real? - I'm sorry. We have to ask these kind of questions in a murder investigation. Intercourse? Friday night. Just before he disappeared. What happened, Holly? You're lying there in his arms. Telling him you're tired of his wife, you know, the money, the... No, I never cared about the money. So, you tell him that he should leave her. But he says he's got a life with her. He's got a daughter. Right there you snap. You realize you've been used. So you show him a picture of the two of you. Oh, my God. You cram this down his throat and you shoot him. Do you have any body modifications other than the piercing, Miss Markwell? - What? Like fake boobs? - No. Like tattoos. - I have to, right? - Afraid so. You know, I loved Bill. I didn't kill him. And there you have it. You are busted, Billy. Holly admits it's her in the picture but insists she didn't kill him. Well, if denial is severe enough, she might actually believe that. I know what was used to cram the picture down his throat. Because of what I found. Hi, Dr. Brennan. I don't fraternize at work. Daisy found the fractures on the sagittal suture which contained some particulates. - Told you. - They are chlorinated polyethylene. It's the rubber used on the tail of a microphone. The copper wire we found in his intestine was from inside that rubber cap. Putrescent gasses forced the wire into the esophagus. And the buoyancy of the outhouse sewage caused it to migrate up the digestive tract to the intestine. - Well, Holly had access to the microphone. - She's small. Do you think she could've upended a 180-pound man and placed him in a poop pit? You're her size. Pick up Dr. Sweets and turn him upside-down. - What? - That's not gonna happen. - I have to. - No, no, no, no, no, you don't. You don't. You don't. It's fine. Nice. So it's probably not Holly. Anyone else have access to the equipment? The print was e-mailed to somebody. The murderer was surprised and enraged by that image. I minored in psychology. - Really? - Yeah. Well, Holly wouldn't be surprised. - She knew she slept with Bill. - Right. But someone who was sleeping with either O'Rourke or Holly might've seen this. The image triggered the killer's rage. There was only one way to avenge that violation. The killer had to make sure that this image died with O'Rourke. That's brilliant. I know who did it. - So you're sure? - Yeah. It's the only person who makes sense. Mark, what are... What are you doing here? Well, you told me to pick you up with dinner? I am so sorry. I... There's been an emergency. Okay. Do you want me to reschedule, or... Temperance. Jason, what are you doing here? - We're going to Coldplay, remember? - You remember Coldplay? - Coldplay? - Sorry. I've been distracted by the case. Why don't we ever go to a concert? As a matter of fact, why don't we ever leave your bedroom? Can we talk about this later? We're about to arrest... - You're dating this guy? - No, I don't like that term. It has an antiquated moral and needlessly restrictive connotation. - And who are you? - Obviously a guy who's not doing as well as you. This is Jason. Jason, Mark. Mark, Jason. Please understand, Jason. You're very good looking. But sexual attraction is an involuntary hormonal response involving an increase in neutrophins and testosterone. So you get to go out? Mark, you are a strong and attentive man. But Jason is more stimulating intellectually. That's not the only way I could be stimulating. - Murderer? - Murderer, yes. What do you do with this one, Temperance? This... Booth is my partner. That's all. - We should go. - Yes. Okay. All right. Jason, we can talk at the concert. I'll meet you out front by 8:00. And Mark, we can talk later at my apartment. Yeah... Yeah. See you, boys. Thanks. I'll grab one of those. This is crazy. Why would I kill him? I mean, Bill and I were like family. Because he was sleeping with your girlfriend. Although not only did you lose your girlfriend, you lost your job. - It was not a good choice. - What is she talking about? - No, Holly and I, we're just roommates. - Yeah. But you used to be a couple and you were in love with her. - And you felt that Bill ruined it for you. - No. No. You said that O'Rourke wasn't home when you went to pick him up Saturday morning. But that's not true. Yeah. You brought him his usual cup of coffee. But this time you put in something a little special. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. That right there is squint-talk for eye drops. Old bartender's trick. Guaranteed to give Bill the runs. You know, you guys don't know what you're talking about. Really? Where did you get that? What'd you do, Pete? Set up your own camera? Shoot your own show so you could bust Bill? I just lost it. Look, I'm a nice guy. I am. You can ask anybody. I just lost it. Hey, come on in. You look nice, Dr. Brennan. Thank you. I was supposed to go to a gallery opening tonight. - What? Did Jason get a new tight suit? - With Mark. Yeah. The two amigos. I thought he was more of your "stay at home" kind of a guy. I was visiting the possibility that I might enjoy him in a strictly conversational setting. And? Since the murder, I am considering the argument for monogamy. Write that one down, Sweets. I have a positive influence on her. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. Mark broke up with me. - Oh. Sorry. Well, what about Gay Jason? - Him, too. I guess they weren't as accepting of each other as I thought. So... Is it typical for you two to discuss your love lives? Well, I mean, only when she has naked men in her apartment. No, that's not true. I'm very open about my relationships, as opposed to you. Okay. What's that supposed to mean? You're very secretive. As if discussing your sex life would somehow be offensive to me. - I assume you are sexually active. - I do fine. Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds? A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing. Because then I could avoid the sting of rejection. Which, however fleeting, is still uncomfortable. Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place. - All relationships are temporary. - No, that's not true, Bones. You're wrong. Okay? There is someone for everyone. Someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all. Come on. I'll buy you dinner. Hey, I can be fun in a strictly conversational setting. See? Surrogate relationship. Surrogate nothing. Okay? It's a meal with drinks. - Just strictly conversational. - I can come, too. Actually, our partnership does make it difficult to form other bonds. - No offense. - Our session isn't over yet. - How about Chinese? - I love Chinese. - Love it. - I feel more like Thai. Thai? I got coupons to Hop Li! What? You're gonna take me out for a discount meal? It's two for one. And then throw in some... Hi. Is this Daisy Wick? Hey. This is Lance. The shrink? Yeah. Listen, sorry you got fired. Nothing. What are you doing? The accordion? No, no, no. I play a little bass, though. English - US - SDH -==ÆÆÀÃÐÜÀÖÔ°ÇãÇé·îÏ×==- ±3⁄4×ÖÄ"1⁄2ö1©Ñ§Ï°1⁄2"Á÷£¬ÑÏ1⁄2ûÓÃÓÚÉÌÒ�ÓÃÍ3⁄4 Hey,baby. Where the hell have you been? ! You were supposed to call... I probably won't be home for another few days. Oh,you making another one of your pit stops? What's her name this time,huh? There's no girl. Oh,really? I got to get this load to Punxsutawney. Look,Shirl,I got to go. Why? ! Because I drank a gallon of coffee, and I got to go! Oh,really? If I find that... * Yeah,there's a ghost town coming * * I can feel it in my knees * * Yeah,there's a ghost town coming... * Bones,wakey-wakey. Bones? Wakey-wakey. Eggs and bakey. Do you have any idea what time it is? 6:30,which is why I brought you this. Nice,uh,bed head there. So,uh, Seeley Booth,Mark Gaffney. Hey. Hey. What do you want,Booth? My partner. Got some pre-breakfast remains for you. You,uh,getting a little chilly there,Mark? I think I'll put some clothes on. Excellent choice. It would be good if you called first. Well,who knew you were even dating? Well,I wouldn't call it dating. We occasionally make arrangements to spend time together. I'm just surprised you're not more picky. My relationship with Mark is purely physical, and I am very satisfied with him in that area. Did you see his chest and his thighs? Bones. What? Haven't you chosen someone because they were satisfying sexually? There has to be more than sex. Not really. Our interests and professions do not intersect. Well,what is he? Bricklayer? You know,truck driver? Tango dancer? He is a deep-sea welder. Wow. I wouldn't even think to put that on the list. Well,they work on oil derricks,repair boats. After being at sea for months at a time, he seems to enjoy having a sexual relationship,so... I'm sure. I am sure. Deep-sea welder. He can hold his breath for three minutes down there. Underwater? Of course. Come on,seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to blow up an outhouse? Probably accidental. Assuming a minimum methane level of five percent, a simple spark could trigger the explosion. Of course,that would depend on the level of fecal deposit in the tank. Okay. Just stop. Your aversion to feces is irrational. It's three-quarters water. Don't mention that to the guy who almost got his ass blown off. He survived? Well,kind of,but he ain't gonna be making any contributions to the gene pool anytime soon. If the victim is alive,then why are we here? Take a look. Go ahead. Yeah. Ñ°1Ç×·×Ù �ÚËÄ1⁄43⁄4�Ú31⁄4 � -=ÆÆÀÃÐÜ×ÖÄ"×é=- ·­Òë£o У¶Ô£o ʱ1⁄4äÖá£oÊØ"¤ÌìÊ1 Gunshot wound to the frontal lobe. Where's my new assistant? She's at security getting her ID and badge. There's powder residue on the bone indicating that the victim was shot at close range. These suits are so cool. I am a robot. Sorry. Dead for about 72 hours. No lividity on the legs. Wait. Poop will do that to you in three days? Actually,it's the fecal coliform bacteria,streptococcus and maggots. Guy you're looking for has major issues. He deposits the object of his rage in a literal pit of poop. Excrement being the symbol for that which we reject and hate about ourselves. Do we need to take lessons in toilet training issues? Front teeth are shattered. Shot in the head, punched in the face, and dumped in the poop. Whoever did this did not get enough therapy. Victim has veneers on the maxillary central and lateral incisors, and there's reshaping of the gum tissue, as well as the underlying bone. Take a look. Yeah. Looks like there's something in his throat. Looks like a photograph after the decomp and stomach acid got to it. He wasn't punched. The killer crammed that down the victim's throat so hard, it broke his teeth. There's a motive in that. You're gonna want to see what's in that picture. I'll call Angela. Bless you. Thank you. This is really a lot of feces. Stop making that face. It's just sewage,Ms. Wick. I realize that. Six barrels worth. I'm fine. Good. I just thought for safety's sake,perhaps a Hazmat suit... We got the all clear. No danger,no suit. You got a problem with that? No. No. Um,where's Dr. Brennan? I-I thought I'd be working with Dr. Brennan. She's with Agent Booth. She asked me to tell her all about how you're doing. Please tell her that I liked the smell. No pedicle laminae or spinous process means we're not talking vertebral arch,which is cool, 'cause I'm seeing thin lateral borders with small eminences. Makes it one thing and one thing only. A chunk of truck driver coccyx. My work here is done. Hand it over. What have we here? It's human hair. Distinct color variations. I'll turn it over to Hair and Fibers. I know Dr. Brennan is a stickler for protocol. There's no root bulb, which there should be if it was torn out. Cross-section is round,which suggests it's Mongoloid in origin. Wait. Dr. Saroyan determined that the victim is Caucasian. He couldn't have hair that's Mongoloid in origin. Yeah. Not bad. But he could if he used this keratin glue to stick a wig on his little bald head. Start sifting through the sewage and isolate the strands of hair. I scanned the skull,and I factored in age and build. I found the toupee. They know,Ms. Wick. I-I wasn't sure if you'd mentioned it. He didn't have to. You did everything but hire a skywriter. Have you gotten anywhere with the picture we pulled from his throat? No,not yet. I'm,um-- how can I put this-- depoopifying the fragments now to piece together some kind of image. He looks familiar. Let me add the fatty tissue and his new,expensive teeth. Hmm,he does look familiar. Put on his toupee. Which I found. Oh,my God. That's why he looks familiar. What? Be careful. If you cheat on your wife, you just might get Busted By Bill. Look,I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Okay,that girl's the bait they use to lure the cheaters. Wait. What is this? Swing around. Get the wife. You son of a bitch! Joseph Marilla,I'm Bill O'Roarke, and you've been Busted By Bill. Wait. No! My back hurt. I thought she was a masseuse. I'm gonna kill you. You are dead! Dead! Next time,ask yourself this-- "Am I getting lucky, or have I just been Busted by Bill?" Our victim is Bill O'Roarke. Okay great,thanks. O'Roarke and his wife live in Cherry Ridge. Old Bill must have been making a tidy sum. Well,he shouldn't have been rewarded. He was perpetuating a primitive and prurient morality by parading victims for the purpose of entertainment. Well,you know what? You cheat on your spouse, you get what's coming to you. Anthropologically,83 percent of societies are polygamous. Now you sound French,okay? Look,being faithful is what separates us, you know,from the chimps. No,actually,it's a gene called HAR1F. We're talking about the Ten Commandments here,Bones. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." One down from your personal favorite,"Thou shalt not kill." Oh,so you also believe that Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mount Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines on two pieces of rock? Yeah. That's why it's on the Supreme Court. Fascinating. WOMAN: I was supposed to be home this weekend. Bill and my 20th anniversary is in five days. Why weren't you here? Our daughter is away at college in Raleigh. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She adores her father. I mean,how am I going to tell her this? I told Bill not to do that stupid show. You were worried about him? Bill was a serious journalist until he met Arthur. Arthur produces the show. And at first Bill said no,but the money was unbelievable. I was just always so worried about him. Bill have any enemies? Have you seen that show? There isn't a man he caught that wouldn't want him dead. Amandaalwaysresented the show,but it didn't stop her from spending the money Bill made. I'm telling you,if I thought this show had anything to do with Bill's death,I'd never forgive myself. Well,you know,just getting us the footage that we need should be enough. Well,Pete's pulling the cheaters the moment they were caught. And you are? I'm the producer,Veronica Landau. Agent Booth. This here is,uh,Dr. Brennan. Hey,is it true? Where they found him? Uh,upright and inverted in the refuse-filled pit of an outhouse? Yes. Oh,God. I'm sorry but it's very difficult to paint a pleasant picture of his demise right now. Look,who was the last person who saw Mr. O'Roarke alive? Me. 9:18,Friday night. That's specific. We had to shoot wraparounds. 9:20 would have put us into time-and-a-half, so I pulled the plug. I was,uh... I was supposed to pick him up on Saturday morning for the promos we were shooting; knocked on the door,wasn't there. Pete called me,and I called Arthur,we cancelled the shoot. No one was worried that he disappeared? Bill and I had a small disagreement Friday night. He wanted to go visit his kid at college, but we had a shoot scheduled. Promos. Anyone else hear this argument? No. It was personal. We walked away from the crew. Actually,it was,uh,it was pretty loud,Mr. Lang. Mr. O'Roarke threatened to quit. He was just blowing off steam. That's why I wasn't worried. Figured he'd just gone off with Amanda to see the kid. This is a popular show. It's probably worth millions of dollars,am I right? Why do you ask? Well,money like that, you must insure your star for quite a bit. Of course,but I think you're taking this all wrong. See,Bill and I were best friends. We played tennis together all the time,we... If he quit, you'd lose everything. And if he was found dead, you'd end up with a nice payout. Wouldn't you? Why don't you get Agent Booth everything he needs,Pete? I believe I should ? Arthur Lang will only talk through his attorney, who says he was in Atlantic City all weekend playing Keno. We're checking out his story. He could've hired a hit man. No,this was not a contract job,this was personal and violent. Okay,Sweets is on his way up with the show tapes to profile for a revenge killer. Okay,see you later. Whoa,Bones,wait a second. Where you going? I thought maybe we could,you know,help out Sweets. To a film. Oh,this is much better than a movie. Hours of fascinating video. Hey,great stories for the deep-sea welder. Actually,I'm going to the film with a botanist. Oh,I get it. You dumped Mark. It's too bad,I kind of liked the guy. No,I didn't dump Mark,I'm seeing both of them. At the same time? Mark and I have a physical connection. The botanist,while brilliant and fascinating,just... just doesn't appeal to me in that way. Okay,so all that stuff you said about monogamy being unnatural, you're just making excuses. I do not make excuses. Only people who are ashamed make excuses. Bones,two guys at the same time, it's not right. I mean,that's why they invented dueling. How can you...? Hey,you guys ready? I know what I'm doing,Booth. My gut says you're going with your gut on this one, and we all know how that ends up. Not good. Uh,is there something we need to discuss before getting to work? No,no. Just call me when you find something of value. No,it's nothing. It's just,she's got a date. Oh. And how do you feel about that? It's not about me,okay? Let's go look at those videos. Do you have any idea how good it smells in here? It's Eau de Formaldehyde,glad you like it. There are hairline fractures at the base of the skull. Probably made when the photo was jammed down his throat. Dr. Hodgins could probably pull some particulates. Very good. My boyfriend thinks it's weird that I love doing this. But I think it's weird that he loves the accordion. I'm with you there. Dr. Brennan is my hero,always has been. I just,I hope she loves-- she likes me. Well,bonjour. Ante-mortem fractures to the lumbar vertebrae. Maybe two weeks old. Try to find what caused it. On it. It's just,Dr. Brennan and I are,like,the same,you know? We just,we understand that the dead don't talk back or want the window open when it's freezing out or pick at your plate or pee on the toilet seat... You might want to keep a little mystery about yourself. Sure. But you're gonna put in a good word for me,right? I mean,wouldn't it be fun if I were here forever? Yeah. Brush abrasions. Can you hand me a swab? I managed to get some usable pieces of that photo. Just fragments,but it's a start. Okay. I used an infrared camera and I excluded all the visible light. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the mystery couple were knocking boots. I always love your clinical assessments. Sorry. I'm so sorry. "Sorry"? ! But nothing was gonna happen. Nothing was gonna happen? Nothing... You're in your under... Don't! Oh,God,please don't cry. Don't cry? You're in your underwear. Don't cry. What do you want me to... What'd I miss? Six men crying,two insisting they'd gotten lost, and four saying they were trying to show the poor, young woman how dangerous the Internet could be. Wow,parade of saints,huh? The murder was premeditated and filled with rage, not the act of someone apologetic or ashamed. Did you find any rage? Well,I know you don't have the benefit of years of psychological training,but,uh, check out one Jim Dodd. Come on,baby,I can't wait. You bastard! You're never gonna see this child,ever! Do you hear me? Ever! I'm Bill O'Roarke,and,Jim Dodd, you've been Busted By Bill! Oh,God! Stop it! Stop! Stop! I'll kill you! Come on,stop! Serious impulse control issues. Very good,Agent Booth. I've marked a few other possible suspects that match the profile,but I think Dodd exhibits the right amount of rage and self-justifying vengeance. So,Dodd's our guy. Let's go tell Bones,huh? Come on. Well... uh,couldn't we just call? No. Let's go. Open City might be Rossellini's best film. Rossellini had nothing,no sets... 1945-- the country had barely started rebuilding after the war. Yes. Of course,I'm also a big fan of Meatballs, Bill Murray's paean to anarchy. Hey,Bones. Hi. Special Agent Booth,her partner. Hi. I'm Dr. Lance Sweets. I'm their therapist. Jason DeFry. DeFry. Do you follow them around all the time? No. No,no,no. I'm also a profiler. I help with the cases. Did you know that she was on a date? Slipped my mind. Spiffy suit,man. Thanks. Picked it up in Italy. Little tight,huh? It's the style. You ever been married? No. Have a kid? Never been married, remember? I have a kid. He's never been married. I should get to work,Jason. We've got a murderer to catch,you understand? Of course,of course. You know,it's getting late anyway. Listen,I have Coldplay tickets for tomorrow night. Thought maybe we'd grab a bite first. Any interest? Absolutely. I might have to leave from work. No problem. I'll meet you at your office at 6:00? I'll be there. Nice meeting you all. Yeah. No wonder you two are platonic. What is that supposed to mean? Well,look,I'm fine with it,Bones,really. I have zero problems with it, but... that guy is gay. He is not gay. Please. Double cheek kiss,tight Italian suit... Coldplay. Never married... Coldplay. Jason is as heterosexual as either of you. Then how is it that he's okay with not having sex? What? Uh,we share an intellectual bond. I don't have physical feelings for him. He understands that. Not if he's straight. Right? Am I right? You are hot. You're here for a reason? Um,we got something off the DVDs... Mint tea,fruit tart...? ! Okay,speak,Sweets,please. Okay,okay. Um,most of the cheaters were essentially cowards, seeking alternate sexual experiences because they're too afraid to confront the problems in their own lives. Just because someone seeks an alternative sexual outlet doesn't mean that they're a coward. She has issues. I do not have issues. ? Deep-sea welder and a botanist. What,did they go into a bar? Huh? No. Brennan's two boyfriends. Oh. Right. Let me guess,that one's the botanist. Yeah. So you have nothing. Show her. This is Jim Dodd. The photograph that you pulled out of O'Roarke's throat, turns out that Jim Dodd used to be a mall photographer at Tiny Tots Photography. Motive and means. Yeah,I mean,his landlord said he disappeared five days ago,no forwarding address. And you think he left because he was planning to kill Bill O'Roarke? Yeah,it fits,okay? Landlord also said he has a drinking buddy by the name of Chris Gutman. We're looking for him. What? This couldn't have waited till after I said good night to Jason? I'm just looking out for you,all right? You don't have the,uh,best taste in men. So you're going to hire a stalker to find Dodd? Perfect undercover move. So you think this is a good idea? Of course I do,it's mine,okay? Gutman was lying through his teeth. There he is right over there. This way,we'll be able to find out what he really knows. Yo,namaste,guys. Hi,Noel. Think they have mung beans? I'm on an ayurvedic cleanse. What? I do mung beans till Sunday,then I start the enemas. Listen,Noel,we'd like to harness you for your natural abilities. You want your chart done? BOOTH AND No. Stalking. You like to stalk people. Observe them. Hey,Noel,eyes over here. Okay? Eyes on him,not her,him. Noel. Chris Gutman. So not my type. It's not recreational. I want to find out where he goes,who he sees,who he talks to. Okay,listen,he hangs out with a guy by the name of Jim Dodd. Want me to write that down for you? No,I got it. What's his name? Jim Dodd. Right. Jim Dodd. I want details. I'll give you 50 bucks. 50 bucks? Mm-hmm. Sure,but I got to be done by Sunday,because I got this... Right,the enemas. Nomaste. Namaste. Everything you never wanted to drain from outhouse sludge. Two toy cars, three cell phones, a doorknob,a rubber casing, plastic Easter bunny head,and-- drumroll... optional-- one slightly used 40-caliber bullet. Excellent. If Booth can find the murder weapon,we can match it. We may not have to wait that long. I took some initiative and checked out the lumbar fractures I found on O'Roarke; figured he'd have to be treated for them. He was treated at Providence Hospital. The police brought him in. The wife of a guy he busted rammed Bill with her grocery cart at Food King. You did this without my approval? And why shouldn't I toss you out of here right now? Dr. Brennan always says that in an intellectual pursuit,there are no limits. Well,in fact there are. Produce section road rage is a long way from shooting a man dead. Not if you're a police officer who carries a gun the same caliber as the bullet you found in the poop pit. "Capitol Police Sergeant Francis Diamond." ? I hate Bill O'Roarke. He tried to destroy my marriage. But I didn't kill him. You don't think your husband cheating might have put a wrinkle in your relationship? What my husband did was not cheating. See,Booth,this is a woman enlightened enough not to expect a monogamous relationship. He'd never cheat on me. Okay,then why did you turn your husband in to the Busted by Bill show? I didn't,it was my sister. She called up their tip line. Kept insisting that he was messing around, but it wasn't true. Sergeant Diamond,we saw the video. Your husband met the young woman at the motel with flowers. And then took off his pants. He went there to warn her that it could be dangerous meeting someone online. Perhaps she's not so enlightened. Okay,Ballistics is going to need to see the sidearm. Please. Now. I want to show you what I found lodged in Bill O'Roarke's lower intestine. I can't understand why Booth has an issue with me seeing two men. Guys like to think they're the only ones who should sleep with more than one person. They like to be in control. Doesn't take a lot to throw the little darlings off their game. Oh,yeah,then you end up lying in bed holding them while they say,"I don't know what's wrong, this has never happened to me before." He should be happy that I've found a way to satisfy myself. It just happens to require two men. I've done that. I miss college. And the botanist,no biological imperative? He's flirted with the intent to become intimate, but Mark keeps me quite sated sexually. You've really got to learn some girl talk,sweetie. Okay,look at that. How did a wire get lodged in his intestine? Not sure yet. The tox screen's even stranger. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. Eye drops? And sildenafil citrate. Viagra. Bloodshot eyes and wood in a pill. Party time. Dr. Brennan, I'm Daisy Wick,your new grad assistant. I'd rather not learn your name until I've assessed your work. Oh,of course. I'm the same way. We're two of a kind. You're like a hero to me. Hero worship exposes a lack of independent intellectual examination. I'll tell Booth what we found. She is so smart. Yeah. So Sergeant Diamond's firearm wasn't a match. She wasn't even in town Friday and Monday. She was with her husband fixing her marriage at some tantric sex workshop. I've heard that if practiced correctly, tantric sexual techniques can extend orgasms by 400 to 500 percent. Whoa,they actually teach that? Teach what? Extended orgasms through tantric yoga. No,Bones,don't encourage this guy. It's a godly pursuit,man. Noel? What do you have for us? I followed Gutman from that gas station where he works. Are you embarrassed to talk about...? Noel... Right. Gutman went off shift at 7:00, beelined for the roach coach. Dude actually ate a hot dog. You have any idea how many toxins are in your average hot dog? Yes,I do. Jim Dodd,Noel. He caught the M Street bus. Noel? Sat next to a girl wearing a Led Zeppelin tour T-shirt. Not a real one. One of those fakes where Jimmy Page has a Stratocaster instead of a Gibson. Where did he go? To a church: St. Xavier's. Goes down to the basement where they store all these awesome Christmas decorations. The Jesus is like... you could sit down and share a doobie with Him,you know? I really hope this has something to do with Jim Dodd. Not only did he meet up with Dodd, he sat next to him for two hours. With the life-sized Jesus? No,man! They were in divorce support group. They're breakup buddies. Oh,well,getting busted by O'Roarke must've ended Jim Dodd's marriage. Would you say that these divorce support groups were angry? No way. The guys are all sad and weepy. The dumped chicks eat it up. The Dodd dude,he's hooking up with at least two of them, which is probably why he goes there every day. Which I know... 'cause I photocopied the sign-in sheet. Right,that's great. So how'd I do? Huh? Oh,right. You did great. Here you go,pal. Get all the mung beans and the enemas you want. Boy,here you go. See ya. The loan shark's got me down for five G's plus the vig,so I told Gutman to keep his mouth shut if anybody asked about me. How was I supposed to know it was gonna be the FBI? So,why'd you do a runner last week? I owe two grand back rent, child support,alimony, plus the loan shark- - I mean,wouldn't you run? And all this hard luck is because of Bill O'Roarke,right? What? No. No,it had nothing to do with that. Where were you Friday and Saturday? I didn't kill him. I swear. Where were you? I drove to Jersey to borrow money from my mom. She pawned her engagement ring because the loan shark was gonna rip my ears off. Pathetic. Mother's contact information. Pathetic. Hey. So... it takes over two hours for this computer to render each new image,but this last pass gave us a little more detail in that photograph. What is that on her back? A tattoo? It's a tramp stamp of some kind. Cool. Useful,I hope. Anyway... I was starting to enhance the resolution when Sweets brought me the videos. O'Roarke was talking to his producer. Appeared upset,but the sound was distorted and barely audible. They were Busted By Bill. I'm Bill O'Roarke. Okay,let's get a tail slate. Arthur,a moment... now. What's up,Billy? Okay,I sampled Bill's voice and I removed all the extraneous noise. Arthur,a moment... now. What's up,Billy? This thing with Veronica,it's over. I can't work with her anymore. Oh,just kiss and make up. No,I want her gone. I'm serious. Sounds like Viagra-popping Billy might have gotten himself a bit too involved with someone at work. So that could be Veronica in the picture. Fits the profile: jilted and vengeful. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I'm just packing up some things for our daughter. I,uh,I don't know if she wants them, but maybe someday. If you don't mind, Mrs. O'Roarke,we'd like a word with Veronica. Sure. Excuse me. Is there a problem? Did Mr. O'Roarke ask Arthur Lang to fire you? I'm still working here,aren't I? Because O'Roarke is dead. See,I'm thinking that you got fired, then you got angry, which led to revenge. Is he serious? Why would O'Roarke want you fired? I sold a new show... on my own. Bill accused me of stealing the idea from him. Did you? No. I didn't. I knew he'd be mad when he found out,but the idea was mine. And now that he's dead, we're just going to have to believe you,right? I worked with Bill every day for two years. We were incredibly close. We would've made up. How close? What is that supposed to mean? I believe Agent Booth is asking if you had sexual intercourse with O'Roarke. But I agree,he could have phrased the question more clearly. No. I was not sleeping with Bill. Do you have a tattoo on the small of your back? If there are no more questions, I would like to help Amanda with Bill's things. Excuse me. I'm done with the culture you swabbed from the wound on the victim's thigh. What'd you get? A trace of enameled iron, a fleck of silver plating. Maybe from a knife? Don't think so. The wound's too jagged and I found amylase activity. So he had saliva and iron in a wound on his thigh? And I found candidiasis in the saliva. Okay,so somebody with a thrush infection scratched him with something metal, and then licked him? You're getting warm. Look. Come on,you can do it. Distance between peaks is irregular and about two inches apart. Hmm... wavy thigh scratch. Oral thrush. Wiggle your tongue side to side. You serious? Oh,yeah. Infected tongue piercing. You want to see it? Mm-hmm. Silver-plated iron. Come on,Holly,was it something that Bill did to you? I mean,he was older than you,huh? Probably took advantage of you? No. No,Bill was a good man. You two were sleeping together,weren't you? I don't have to answer questions like that. I know my rights. Your stud,please? You're kidding. You really should consider some nystatin for that infection, by the way. We found saliva in the laceration on your boss' thigh. And we can prove that it's yours. Your stud. Forget it. No way. Well,we have a court order. We know our rights,too,so... Your stud,please. That wasn't too hard. You're sure you don't want to talk to us? It is not what you think. What do I think? We loved each other. I didn't kill him. Why would I kill a man that I loved? Is that how you got the job, sleeping with O'Roarke? No! No,it was... it was Pete,the camera guy. Okay,Pete and I met at a club one night and we went out for a while. Anyway,we still have a place together. And Pete knew that I wanted to get into TV, so he got me a job as a production assistant, and,um... Bill just kind of took me under his wing. I'd say so. Didn't bother you that he was married? Perhaps he wasn't fully satisfied in a long-term relationship. Bones. What? It's understandable. Needs change. When did you last have intercourse? Is she for real? I'm sorry. We have to ask these kind of questions in a murder investigation. Intercourse? Friday night. Just before he disappeared. What happened,Holly? You were lying there in his arms. You tell him you're tired of his wife getting all the money,the... No,I never cared about the money. So... you tell him that he should leave her, but he says he's got a life with her, he's got a daughter,and right there, you snap,you realize you've been used. So you show him a picture of the two of you. Oh,my God. You cram this down his throat. Then you shoot him. Do you have any body modifications other than the... piercing, Ms. Markwell? What,like fake boobs? No,like tattoos. I have to,right? I'm afraid so. You know,I loved Bill. I didn't kill him. And there you have it. You are busted,Billy. Holly admits it's her in the picture but insists she didn't kill him. Well, if denial is severe enough,she might actually believe that. I know what was used to cram the picture down his throat. Because of what I found. Hi,Dr. Brennan. I don't fraternize at work. Daisy found the fractures on the sagittal suture, which contained some particulates. Told you. They are chlorinated polyethylene. It's the rubber used on the tail of a microphone. The copper wire we found in his intestine was from inside that rubber cap. Putrescent gases forced the wire into the esophagus, and the buoyancy of the outhouse sewage caused it to migrate up the digestive tract to the intestine. Well,Holly had access to the microphone. She's small. Do you think she could have upended a 180-pound man and placed him in a poop pit? You're her size. Pick up Dr. Sweets and turn him upside down. What? That's not going to happen. I have to. Oh,no,no, no,no,you don't,you don't,you don't,it's fine. Nice. So it's probably not Holly. Anyone else have access to the equipment? The print was e-mailed to somebody. The murderer was surprised and enraged by that image. I minored in psychology. Really? Yeah. Well,Holly wouldn't be surprised. She knew she slept with Bill. Right,but someone who was sleeping with either O'Roarke or Holly might have seen this. The image triggered the killer's rage. There was only one way to avenge that violation. The killer had to make sure that this image died with O'Roarke. That's brilliant. I know who did it. So,you sure? Yeah,it's the only person who makes sense. Ow. Mark,wha-what are you doing here? Well,you told me to pick you up. With dinner? I... am so sorry. I... there's been an emergency. Okay,do you want me to reschedule,or...? Temperance. Jason! What are you doing here? We're going to Coldplay,remember? You remember Coldplay. Coldplay? Sorry,I've been distracted by the case. Why don't we ever go to a concert? As a matter of fact,why don't we ever leave your bedroom? Um,can we talk about this later? We're about to arrest... You're dating this guy? I,I don't like that term. It has an antiquated moral and needlessly restrictive connotation. And who are you? Obviously, a guy who is not doing as well as you. This is Jason. Jason,Mark. Mark,Jason. Please understand,Jason,you're very good-looking, but sexual attraction is an involuntary hormonal response involving an increase in neutrophins and testosterone. So you get to go out? Mark,you are a strong and attentive man, but Jason is more stimulating intellectually. That's not the only way I could be stimulating. murderer? Murderer,yes. What do you do with this one,Temperance? Oh... this-- uh,Booth is my partner,that's all. We should go. Yes,okay. All right. Oh,Jason,we can talk at the concert. I'll meet you out front by 8:00,and Mark,we can talk later at... my apartment. Oh,yes. See you,boys. Thanks. I'll grab one of those. Thi-This is crazy. Why would I kill him? I mean,B-Bill and I were like family. Because he was sleeping with your girlfriend. Although not only did you lose your girlfriend, you lost your job. It was not a good choice. What is she talking about? No,Holly and I are-- we're just roommates. Yeah,but you used to be a couple and you were in love with her. And you felt that Bill ruined it for you. No,no. You said that O'Roarke wasn't home when you went to pick him up Saturday morning,but that's not true. Yeah,you brought him his usual cup of coffee,but this time you put in something a little special. Tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. That right there is squint talk for eyedrops. Old bartender's trick, guaranteed to give Bill the runs. You know,you guys don't know what you're talking about. Really? Where did you get that? What'd you do,Pete-- set up your own camera, shoot your own show so you could bust Bill? I just lost it. Look,I'm a nice guy. I am. You can ask anybody. I just lost it. Hey. Come on in. You look nice, Dr. Brennan. Oh,thank you,uh... I was supposed to go to a... gallery opening tonight. What,did Jason get a new tight suit? With Mark. Yeah,the two amigos. I thought he was more of your,uh, "stay at home" kind of a guy. I was visiting the possibility that I might enjoy him in a strictly conversational setting. And? Since the murder, I'm considering the argument for monogamy. Write that one down,Sweets. I have a positive influence on her. No,you don't. Yes,I do. Mark broke up with me. Oh. Sorry. Well,what about "gay Jason"? Him,too. I guess they weren't as accepting of each other as I thought,so... Is it typical for you two to discuss your love lives? Well,I mean,only when she has naked men in her apartment. No,that's not true. I'm very open about my relationships,as opposed to you. Okay,what's that supposed to mean? You're very secretive, as if discussing your sex life would somehow be offensive to me. I assume you are sexually active. I do fine. Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds? A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing because then I could avoid the sting of rejection, which,however fleeting,is still uncomfortable. Right. Okay,look,I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place. All relationships are temporary. No,that's not true,Bones. You're wrong. Okay,there is someone for everyone, someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all. Come on,I'll buy you dinner. Hey,I can be fun in a strictly conversational setting. See? Surrogate relationship. Surrogate nothing. Okay? It's a meal. With drinks. Just strictly conversational. I can come,too. Actually,our partnership does make it difficult to form other bonds-- no offense. Our session isn't over yet. How about Chinese? I love Chinese. Love it. I feel more like Thai. Thai? I got coupons to Hop Li. What,you're gonna take me out for a discount meal? What? There's two for one, and then they throw in some... ? hey? ? listen? ? the? ? ÆÆÀÃÐÜ×ÖÄ"×é "¶Ó­1⁄4ÓÈë Hey, baby. Where the hell have you been? When are you coming home? I probably won't be home for another few days. You're making another one of your pit stops? What's her name this time? - There's no girl. - Oh, really? I got to get this load to Punxsutawney. Look, Cheryl, I got to go. - Why? - Because I drank a gallon of coffee, and I got to go. Oh, really? If I find out you're- # Well, there's a ghost town comin'# # I can feel it in my knees # # Yeah, there's a ghost town comin'# # May the city rest in peace ## Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Bones! Wakey, wakey. Bones! Wakey, wakey. - Eggs and "bakey. " - Do you have any idea what time it is? 6:30, which is why I brought you this. Nice, uh, bed head there. Mmm. Whoa! Um- So, uh... Seeley Booth, Mark Gaffney. Hey. Hey. - What do you want, Booth? - My partner. Got some pre-breakfast remains for you. You, uh, getting a little chilly there, Mark? - I think I'll put some clothes on. - Excellent choice. - It'd be good if you called first. - Who knew you were even dating? I wouldn't call it dating. We occasionally make arrangements to spend time together. Just surprised you're not more picky. My relationship with Mark is purely physical... and I am very satisfied with him in that area. Did you see his chest and his thighs? - Bones. - What? Haven't you chosen someone because they were satisfying sexually? - There has to be more than sex. - Not really. Our interests and professions do not intersect. Well, what is he? Bricklayer? Truck driver? Tango dancer? - He is a deep-sea welder. - Whoa. Wow. I wouldn't even think to put that on a list. They work on oil derricks, repair boats. After being at sea for months at a time... he seems to enjoy having a sexual relationship, so- I'm sure. I am sure. Deep-sea welding. He can hold his breath for three minutes down there. Underwater? Of course. Come on, seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to blow up an outhouse? Probably accidental. Assuming a minimum methane level of five percent... a simple spark could trigger the explosion. Of course that would depend on the level of fecal deposit in the tank. Okay. Just stop. Your aversion to feces is irrational. It's three-quarters water. Don't mention that to the guy who almost got his ass blown off. - He survived? - Well, kind of. But he ain't gonna be making any contributions to the gene pool any time soon. - If the victim is alive, then why are we here? - Take a look. Go ahead. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gunshot wound to the frontal lobe. - Where's my new assistant? - She's at Security, getting her I.D. and badge. There's powder residue on the bone... indicating that the victim was shot at close range. The suits are so cool. I am a robot. Sorry. Dead for about 72 hours. No lividity on the legs. Wait. Poop will do that to you in three days? Actually, it's the fecal coliform bacteria... streptococcus and maggots. The guy you're looking for has major issues. He deposits the object of his rage in a literal pit of poop... excrement being the symbol for that which we reject and hate about ourselves. Do we need to take lessons in toilet-training issues? Front teeth are shattered. Shot in the head, punched in the face and dumped in the poop. Whoever did this did not get enough therapy. The victim has veneers on the maxillary central and lateral incisors. There's re-shaping of the gum tissue as well as the underlying bone. Take a look. Huh. Looks like there's something in his throat. Looks like a photograph- after the decomp and stomach acid got to it. He wasn't punched. The killer crammed that down the victim's throat so hard... it broke his teeth. There's a motive in that. You're gonna wanna see what's in that picture. I'll call Angela. Bless you. Thank you. This is really a lot of feces. Stop making that face. It's just sewage, Miss Wick. I realize that. Six barrels' worth. - I'm fine. - Good. I just thought, for safety's sake, perhaps a hazmat suit. We got the "all clear. " No danger, no suit. - Got a problem with that? - No. No. Where's Dr. Brennan? - I thought I'd be working with Dr. Brennan. - She's with Agent Booth. She asked me to tell her all about how you're doing. Oh. Please tell her that I liked the smell. No pedicle, laminae or spinous process... means we're not talking vertebral arch, which is cool... 'cause I'm seeing thin lateral borders with small eminences. It makes it one thing and one thing only. A chunk of truck-driver coccyx. My work here is done. Hand it over. What have we here? It's human hair. - Distinct color variations. - I'll turn it over to Hair and Fibers. I know Dr. Brennan is a stickler for protocol. There's no root bulb, which there should be if it was torn out. Cross section is round, which suggests it's Mongoloid in origin. Wait. Dr. Saroyan determined that the victim is Caucasian. He couldn't have hair that's Mongoloid in origin. Not bad. But he could if he uses keratin glue... to stick a wig on his little bald head. Start sifting through the sewage and isolate the strands of hair. I scanned the skull, and I factored in age and build. - I found the toupee. - They know, Miss Wick. - I wasn't sure if you'd mentioned it. - He didn't have to. You did everything but hire a skywriter. Have you gotten anywhere with the picture we pulled from his throat? No. Not yet. I'm, uh- How can I put this? De-poopifying the fragments now to piece together some kind of image. He looks familiar. Let me add the fatty tissue. and his new expensive teeth. Huh. He does look familiar. - Put on his toupee. - Which I found. Oh, my God. That's why he looks familiar. What? Be careful if you cheat on your wife. - You just might get busted by Bill. - I'm gonna go to the bathroom. That girl's the bait they use to lure the cheaters. Wait. What is this? - Swing around. Get the wife. - You son of a bitch! Joseph Furillo, I'm Bill O'Rourke, and you've been busted by Bill. Wait. No. My back hurt. I thought she was a masseuse. Lord! I'm gonna kill you. You are dead, dead. Next time, ask yourself this: Am I getting lucky... or have I just been busted by Bill? Our victim is Bill O'Rourke. Okay. Great. Thanks. O'Rourke and his wife live in Cherry Ridge. - Ol' Bill must've been making a tidy sum. - He shouldn't have been rewarded. He was perpetuating a primitive and prurient morality... by parading victims for the purpose of entertainment. You cheat on your spouse, you get what's coming to you. Anthropologically, 83% of societies are polygamist. Now you sound French. Look, being faithful is what separates us, you know, from chimps. Actually, it's a gene called HAR1 F. We're talking about the Ten Commandments, Bones. "Thou shalt not commit adultery. " One down from your personal favorite: "Thou shalt not kill. " Oh, so you also believe that Moses wandered the desert for 40 days... climbed Mount Sinai, at which point a supernatural force... carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines on two pieces of rock? Yeah. That's why it's on the Supreme Court. - Fascinating. - Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be home this weekend. Bill and my 20th anniversary is in five days. - Why weren't you here? - Our daughter's away at college at Raleigh. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She adores her father. I mean, how am I gonna tell her this? I told Bill not to do that stupid show. You were worried about him? We would need someone who can take Zero into custody. And? What are your plans now? Are you going to stay with the Black Knights? Neither Brother or I have plans to punish you right here. we don't have the time to punish you. Well... I... but peerage isn't the only thing that matters in this world. This leaves us no choice. Let's announce that Zero has died in combat. Even though we still haven't found Lelouch? You want to make it an accomplished fact? umm... too? and we'd just be banished. It's unthinkable. What if the real Zero appeared? How will he prove that he is the real one? A masked hero is nothing but a symbol. the fact won't be established. I see. That's really wonderful. I found out that everyone's safe and sound. right. but the clubhouse is open. I see. The student council office is okay? Yeah. how's Rolo? right? Ah... yeah... Rivalz. Can you relay a message to the President? I don't think I'll be able to keep my promise of doing fireworks with everyone. What is he talking about? forgive me. I leave C.C. in your hands. as well. who is immortal and immune to Geass. For that's the only thing left for me... synchronization preparations are complete. begin. Is it shaking a bit? Really? complete. the world of gods will end. Destruction and creation. Ragnarok has begun. we have an incoming line from Prince Schneizel in the Tokyo Settlement. I said to leave all mundane issues to him. Mundane? That Schneizel... eh? But it is much too late. This game known as war is over. You are watching KT Television. we will be reporting live with emergency news from this temporary studio at Ashford Academy. it has been officially announced Prince Schneizel has signed a ceasefire treaty with the Black Knights. dead. he took his last breath early this morning. Lord Zero! No way... It's a lie! What is going on? is it true that Zero has died? Yeah. it's just as our official announcement put it. at least let me see his face. so I will have to get back to you on this. Are you serious? The Black Knights don't need Zero anymore. We were able to get to this point thanks to Zero. This kind of throwing away after usage is... Zero was the one who used us. He deceived everyone with a wretched power like Geass. too! man! But... as well... perhaps even earlier... Yeah. we're not just pawns in a game. We're alive. Lelouch Vi Britannia commands you all... all of you do as I order! You're good... what's the status of Lancelot? Status? With the core luminus in that state... I mean Lancelot Albion. It's just about to roll out. What's this Albion thingy? but I wouldn't want to hand that to you right now. This is an order. An order from the Knight of Seven. And now I don't want to hand it to you even more. right? what is a weapon to begin with? do you plan on starting a childish debate? I... Suzaku. That's not like you. Your- at ease. Princess Cornelia! Ahh... Where's Guilford? He... Lord Guilford... He has gone missing even before he deployed the FLEIA warhead in this battle. Guilford's... his contributions were enormous. You can be proud of him. To be expected of Cornelia's knight. Wait. I was the one who deployed the FLEIA warhead. That was my contribution to this war... Contribution that's necessary for me to become the Knight of One... Suzaku. Is this a measure in order to protect Lord Guilford's honor? What is he talking about? Suzaku. No. I have been much too naive up to this point. sure. I have been telling myself that the process is more important than the result. I believe what I personally deemed valuable was perhaps ideal and superficial. However... Your Highness? Will you make me the Knight of One? Kururugi. The appointment of the Knight of One is something only His Majesty can do. In other words... Then that I shall become. Brother! I shall become the emperor. correct? what you just said is... Gino. What's the meaning of this? ! Prince Schneizel. Will you hold true to your words? apparently. His Majesty said that about this war... with the Black Knights... But- Cornelia? Father has indulged himself with dangerous research and has left the throne empty for many a night. Yes... he treated politics and wars as a game... this day and age. no longer has the right to be emperor. He has finally made his decision. However... This is... a coup d'etat? No... the Emperor would grant me an audience. Order me to assassinate His Majesty. Suzaku! I will admit this. The only thing that matters... is the result... I will engage the negotiations with Prime Minister Schneizel. umm... about Zero... Losing Lord Zero is a devastating blow to us which is why we need to make the most of his death. while he is my husband Lord Zero and I are no... nothing more than husband and wife in name... His Majesty made landing on Kaminejima? with people of unknown association. Unknown association... The remnants of the Geass Order? Are you serious about having Suzaku assassinate His Majesty? do you think matters are satisfactory as they are now? That's... authority. The emperor of Britannia must take up those roles. Your Highness? That of authority? perhaps. perhaps"? Do you know the other meaning of authority? Is this the doing of Schneizel? It is my own will. I am grateful to you for promoting me. you have committed two sins. Oh? you have forsaken your duties as emperor. And the other you have involved yourself with Geass... And that is a sin? Geass brings out the evil in humans. Yes... you would've been able to save even Euphy. you abandoned her. so what? as well. Prepare yourself! why are you here? ! Did you think you were the only one who knew about Geass? That is unfortunate. Who do you think would trust a man who has been betraying others all his life? I leave this mundane affair in your hands. Your Majesty. Hold it! Ohgi? This is Hong Gu. Requesting permission to land. We have brought the Empress and Lady Kaguya. as well... but he was a miscast after all... His true nature is to protect. This isn't good... The Geass to "live on" is screaming at me to escape from here. Is the Knight of One that dangerous of an adversary? I have thrown away my weak side! Foolish... Your weak side was exactly the thing that led indirectly to your strength known as kindness! strength that knows no boundaries is merely violence. Then... Kururugi Suzaku! and abandoned prince of the Empire. We cannot get in touch with His Majesty. All suspicious figures are to be shot dead and not captured alive! My Lord! What? ! Why are we being f- Why are we firing at our own units? ! but we cannot get in touch with the 3rd turret room. There is a possibility that it has been taken over by someone... respond! We will forcefully take you out if you don't respond! We shall follow the royal guards! Take out all enemies! My Lord! Reinforcements from Shikinejima Base are all taking hostile action! there are traitors being reported. This is... you say? ! and His Majesty? His Majesty has moved to the safest place. Right now... that is a crucifix I must bear! Who is taking command of Great Britannia? Lord Monika Kruszewski. then I shall go out with Galahad. We still can't get in contact with Mordred? we believe her destination is Kaminejima... she must have received the information just now and left for His Majesty. With Suzaku? this is... Lady Kaguya. I must head for Kaminejima right away. as well. There is only one man that I can think of who would draw his sword against the emperor of Britannia in a situation like this. I share the same opinion. there are a few points that we'd need confirmed. We shall continue these talks after this issue. Stop me if you think you can. If there is anyone that holds despair greater than mine... I can't just destroy everything in sight either. don't tell me even you're... Taking part in a coup d'etat and you dare call yourself the Knight of One? ! What? Do not mistake matters! How do you want me to believe you? The enemy's coming from Shikinejima. Monika has given testimony. Understood. Forgive me. then that's fine. What is the damage to your unit? Aerial mobility is decreasing. I shall attack the rebels from land... Understood. I shall protect the mothership. Great acting. There's no time to explain this to Bismarck. right? Marianne the Flash. You are indeed Lelouch's mother. what should I do? Should I save him? gods. The moment of decision has come. I think not. Charles Di Britannia. with me! And how will you do that? nor Geass can take away my life... I thank you. I have the measures to claim victory. You sealed the exit? ! both Geass and you shall be trapped inside this space with me. then whatever you are planning holds no meaning anymore. It's the same thing as being dead. Lelouch! This system that you have created has now become the prison that shall entrap your soul. let us suffer together in this eternal repentance! There is no way to turn back now. I shall face it... against this man... Charles... I... ye who enter here [Cigarette lighter flicks] JONAH: I still have the dream sometimes. I do. I come home from the store and find you on my doorstep with a suitcase. And not your entire wardrobe. Just a carry-on, a duffel bag. We don't say anything, but you have this look in your eye that kills me. It just... And I unlock the door and let you in. And that's it. That's the dream. When I wake up, I wake up happy vibrating for a few seconds with my head in the sand content. [Sighs] Then it goes away, and you go away. I really don't want to get out of bed then because it's cold out there, but I do. I get up. Life goes on. [Exhales] Most days you never even cross my mind. DAKOTA: Tell me that you love me. My name is Dakota Skye. I'm 18 years old, only medium-cute, and I have a superpower. I can't fly, I can't turn invisible, and I'm pretty sure that a bullet would make me good and dead. I don't have x-ray vision, either. Well, not exactly. The fact is I am incapable of being lied to. When someone tells a lie, any lie, to me, to anyone, I know the truth, what they really mean, so there are no lies in my world, or there are nothing but. It's kind of hard to explain. It's like movies from other countries. Somebody says something in French like "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" And at the bottom of the screen it says... I don't know what it says. I flunked French. But I've been this way since I guess since I was little. Who are you? MAN: It's me, Santa Claus. Liar! TEACHER: In this section, we're going to look at explorers. Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. He was a great explorer, and really the first important figure in the history of our country. Is Daddy gonna be okay? MOTHER: He's going to be just fine. And sophomore year, when Jacob Barrow told me that he loved me, well, I let him take my virginity anyway. It had to go sometime. And to the best of my knowledge, I've never been bitten by a radioactive spider or dosed with an overabundance of gamma rays... whatever those are. I have no explanation. I'm just involuntarily cursed with the truth, something people spend their entire lives looking for. Lucky me. ANNOUNCER: Dorian Wallace. Hey. I'm so happy for you. I know. I know... All right. Well, see you there, okay? Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go home and change really fast, okay? Us, too. Hey, Dakota! Yeah? Congratulations. Thanks. You too. So, in order to explain why I'm about to ditch my friends and drive 2,500 miles across country less than an hour after graduating high school, I'll have to tell you a story, a story about a different Dakota Skye. You see, every superhero has a nemesis, an archenemy. Mine is a cute stoner boy named Jonah. This Dakota Skye is only 17 years old. What frame were we on? DAKOTA: 8. What's my score? DAKOTA: 184. What's yours? DAKOTA: Don't worry. I think you're gonna win. Come on. Tell me your score. What is it? - DAKOTA: 42. - Ah, see? You're getting better, babe. Ha! Take that, bitches! How about a kiss? Your turn. - What was I saying before? - The demo. Yes, demo. Jacob said he's going to get it to his cousin once we get the mix done. - His cousin? - Yeah. The one who works at Sub-Pop. I told you about that. Oh, that's right. You did. Are you gonna come with me on Wednesday to band practice? Where? At Jacob's. - Maybe. - Maybe? Why not? I said "maybe." - Yeah, but you meant "no." - Jacob hates me. He does not! Want to get out of here? KEVIN: Oh, God, I love you. [Kissing] DAKOTA: Are you okay? Yeah? Are you gonna come? KEVIN: Unh-unh. Keep going. KEVIN: Oh, God, I love you. Oh, don't move. Oh, yeah. [Kevin exhales] Kevin is a liar, but no more than anybody else. Certainly no more than me. [Alarm clock ringing] I hate Kevin less than almost anybody, and his looks don't make me vomit. So he's my boyfriend. And he's talented and a nice guy, and we have fun, and the first couple of times that he told me that he loved me he meant it. At least, he thought he did. And if he ever cheats on me, well, I'll know. "Dearest Dakota, gone to L.A. Be back tomorrow night. Left cash in the cookie jar. Love, Mom. " Junior year is almost over, and everyone... all my friends, all the teachers... all they talk about is the future, about college and careers and all that shit. I have never been able to think that far. Beth is the worst of them. I think she's got the next 25 years of her life planned down to the hour. I don't think she even likes me anymore. Well, being me, I know she doesn't like me anymore. Why should she? I mean, I'm bitchy and sad and angry and distant all the time. I'm not even sure I like me anymore. We're friends because we have been for the better part of the last 12 years. No other reason. We are because we are. So, year after year, lie after lie, it's all been building inside my head like a snowball. You're right, Jeannie... Thomas Jefferson did own some slaves. He was, after all, a man of his times, but he treated the slaves that he owned quite well. I used to be able to keep it in check. When it was my folks and teachers, it seemed okay. On his deathbed, in fact, he freed many of them. And then boys and sex came into the picture, and with boys, more lies, with sex, more lies. I go through weeks at a time just praying someone will actually say what they mean for once. Like I said, it's kind of hard to explain. BETH: Hey! Hey. Dakota, what's wrong? Nothing. I forgot to bring in your CD. I'll bring it back tomorrow, okay? Yeah. Sure. DENISE: Hey, guys. Hey, Denise. BETH: So, what time tonight? - Say, like, 5:00? - 5:00's good. Do you want us to bring anything? - Soda, maybe snacks. - What are you guys talking about? We're studying for the S.A.T. S at my house tonight, remember? You said you'd come. That does not sound like me. The test is in two weeks. We really need to study. Oh, what is this? An intervention? BETH: No. - Let's go. - So, you'll be there? I don't even know if I want to go to college. Well, we already signed you up for the next test. That can't be legal. - So, you'll be there? - Sure. BETH: Good. AMY: Come on, guys. God, it's hot here. Hey, little girl. You want some candy? I don't know. My mommy told me never to talk to strangers. Oh, I guess it will be our little secret, then, huh? Mm, okay, if you got candy. [Car radio blaring] What time is it? I don't know. Like, 11:00. 12:00, maybe. - GIRL: Don't you have school? - DAKOTA: Not until morning. Where were you? Where was I what? Tonight. Denise's. Oh, I guess I forgot. I'm sorry. Oh, I was worried. Why? Well, for starters, you're not studying, you're not sleeping, you're barely keeping a C average, it's 1:00 in the morning, and you're at freakin' Jim's. Hey, leave Jim's out of this. And you make a C average sound bad. Beth, seriously, I'm fine. I am fine. Kev, will you please tell your girl to straighten up? Well, she's sitting right there. You tell her. All right, fine. We're doing another S.A.T. Thing on Thursday night. Will you please just come? Oh, wow. Yeah. That's amazing. I got to piss. Could you scoot? Thanks. You piss more than a girl. Well, fuck me with a stiff midget. Yo, T! Holy shit, dude! When the fuck did you get in town? How did I know I'd find you assholes here? Broadway Danny Rose. - Hey. - Good to see you. You too, man. Good to see you, Terry. GIRL: Oh, Jonah! It's been so long! JONAH: Yeah, yeah. How you been? - GIRL: Oh, good, good. - JONAH: Nice. This is um... [Snaps fingers] ...uh... fuck... Beth, and this is my girlfriend Dakota. - Girls, I give you Jonah Moreno. - Nice to meet you! It's a pleasure. Hey, Heather! Cup of coffee? Sure thing, Jonah. Black? This is so weird. - When did you get into town? - Uh, last night. - I started driving Sunday. - You drove across country? This kid's crazy. Jonah's from New York. My name is Jonah, and I'm a starving actor. Jonah's, like, one of my best friends, too. I thought I was your best friend. You are, baby. How long are you in town for? Tell I get sick of you fucks. Ha-ha. That's my boy. I was looking to get into some trouble tonight. You guys got to do anything tomorrow morning? Dude, fuck that. I'm down. Let's go get lifted. We'll drop off Dakota on the way home. - Yeah? - Yeah. - You think Bobby would be down? - Dude, Bobby's always fucking down. JONAH: Good night. DAKOTA: 'Night. JONAH: It's nice meeting you, Dakota. DAKOTA: Yeah, you too. What are you guys gonna do tonight? [Coughs] DAKOTA: Ugh! God damn it. It's hot. [Schoolbell rings] [Car horn honks] Hey! Hey. What are you doing here? Kev called. He said band practice is going really well. He didn't want to break it off. Oh. Get in the car. I'll take you over to Jacob's. No, you don't have to do that. It's fine. Don't be retarded. Okay. [Music plays softly on car radio] Thanks. So, you guys had fun last night? So high. I'd never seen that look on Kevin's face until you walked in the door. What look was that? Joy. That was just stoner anticipation. I don't think so. Are you fucking my boyfriend? No! You have a girl back East? Nothing serious. Just... I don't know. No one that makes me... Horny? Happy? Hungry? No. Plenty of that. I don't know. No one that makes me vibrate, I guess. Vibrate? You know, when you're with someone, you just want to be filled up with this, this energy, you know, you just want to I don't know. DAKOTA: You gotta vibrate. I guess. I know. I don't bullshit, right? Not at all. So, how long have you and Kevin been going out? Nine months. That's got to be a record for him. Me, too. So, what's he calling the new band? [Snickers] Brookhaven Three. Aren't there four people in his band? I don't know. I don't get it, either. Well, I'm glad to see he's still playing. Yeah, they sound pretty good, actually. But don't tell him I said that, because I'm trying really hard to appear apathetic. We were in a band in high school. Did he tell you that? Dude, up until the other day, I didn't even know you existed. Well, we sucked. I sucked. - Really? - Yeah, believe me. I do. [Rehearsing loud rock music] Stop. Dude, stop. Jacob, stop! What, are you deaf? KEVIN: Dude, are you fucking deaf? I'm sorry. Fuck. Well? That sucked. Yeah, I know, dude. It's our second go at it. We'd be better if our fucking drummer could keep up with the beat. You guys know any covers? I mean, maybe you could get some wedding gigs. [Giggles] Oh, keep laughing over there, Dakota. You'll be laughing real hard when I'm balls deep in groupies! - Oh, we got a show on Sunday. - I'll be there. Fuck, yeah, you'll be there. You guys want to hear some better shit? - Do you have anything better? - Fuck you. Say yes. All right, bitches. Try to keep up. That means you. [Drummer leads introduction] "Dearest Dakota, at the conference until Friday. There's cash in the usual spot, and I love you. Mom. " - What are you gonna get? - I don't know yet. I don't know what I want. You're gonna get the chili cheeseburger plate and the vanilla Coke... that's what you always get. That's not true. Yes, it is. You always think you're gonna get something different, but when Heather comes over here you still say "chili cheeseburger plate and a vanilla Coke"...every time. Well, maybe tonight I'll get something different. JONAH: I used to love this place more than my own home. You guys still like it here? Dude, it's Jim's. You? Yeah, sure, I guess. I don't know, man. You can't even smoke here anymore. HEATHER: Hey, kids. You're eating with us tonight? Yeah, I want hash browns. And a chocolate shake. And how about you, special guy? Chili cheeseburger? Vanilla Coke? - Uh, yeah. - HEATHER: Amazing. - De Niro? - Biscuits and gravy. - Can I get a fill-up on the coffee? - Absolutely. Be right back. Thank you, Heather. Love that girl. Good night. Good night, Dakota. DAKOTA: Good night, uh... [Motor revs] Okay, Skye, there's got to be a logical explanation. So, he hasn't lied once in the two days that you've known him. This doesn't mean anything. He'll lie soon enough. I'm sure he's just like the rest of us. Ambulatory is to Mobile as Fruitful is to: Nefarious, Fertile, Munificent, or Pernurious? Fertile! Good. Okay, Dakota... Hmm? Intrepid is to Valorous as Multitudinous is to: Prostrate, Flagrant, Plethoric, or Static? - Are you speaking English? - Come on. Try it. I don't know any of those words. Okay. Well, just think of their relation to each other. Intrepid is to Valorous as Multitudinous is to... "B." No, sorry. It's "C." Damn it all to hell! I'm not fit to live among men! Dakota, you just have to try and study... Um, maybe we should take a break, okay, and we'll pick this back up at Denise's later. Thank Christ. ¶ I want to touch I want to kiss ¶ ¶ I want to feel so close to this ¶ ¶ Is there any way That someone could feel the same ¶ ¶ If I promised them everything... ¶ You look like shit. - Yeah. I'm okay. - What did you guys do last night? Just fucked around. Smoked a little pot, went to Noel's, played some video games, whatever. We were just hung out and stayed there last night, you know? His floor is, like, crazy uncomfortable, though. It sucks. Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Whatever. Hey, I can't stay out late tonight, all right? I got to study. That's cool. Fuck this. Time to get this guy to lie. So, do you watch a lot of porn? A sizable amount, I guess. Why? 'Cause I was over at Bobby and Noel's, and they were watching this porn about these Asian girls and a dildo that can only be described as epic, and it was really gross. They said that they knew that, though, that they thought that it was gross that they watched it because it was funny. - They're lying. - No shit. Really? Porn is purely functional. It's not entertainment. It's functional? Yeah, porn has a singular purpose in its existence. It's a tool, an aid, a catalyst in the act of pleasuring yourself. Jerking off for guys is so casual. It's like, you know, we don't want to be bogged down coming up with some sort of scenario or something. Pop in a video, open a magazine, stream it online... bam, done, on with the rest of your day. - What? - Nothing. So, how often do you do this? - Lots. - Oh. Who has time to be embarrassed? [Kevin sings quietly to himself] Oh, shit. Dude, did I play you guys our new song yet? [Demo plays] Yeah? The son-of-a-bitch doesn't lie. What kind of a guy doesn't lie? This is really starting to get on my nerves. [Demo continues] Hey, I can have Kevin take me home. Not this shit again. [Motor revs] What? Do you got anywhere to be? Enigmatic is to Inscrutable as Surreptitious is to... Not really. Why? I haven't hiked up Papago since I was a kid. One time me and Kev came up here after school, and we fell asleep, and then a park ranger comes, closes the place down, right? I talk to much, don't I? No, I don't mind. You, on the other hand, are a woman of few words. No, I talk. Yeah, but you don't say much. Nothing personal. Prove it. Passions, goals, turn-ons, turn-offs? All right. My turn-ons are cigarettes, '70s punk, boys with rings in their lips, and long, pointless walks up rocks. Three for four. Turn-offs? Pretty much everything else. Yeah, I get that. Give me an example. Here, I got one. All my friends can talk about are the S.A.T. S, right? About "college is this" and "my future that." I mean, fucking shit, like, do I really have to go to college? Like, what if I want to knit fucking baskets or fucking... or wait tables at Jim's or something? I mean, do I really have to get a higher education for that? Like, what degree do you suggest I get for that? I mean, Jesus-fucking-Christ, man! Oh, shit. Are you, like, a Bible nut or something? You can talk, can't you? Yeah, well it sucks. It does suck. What did you get on your S.A.T. S? - Like 1350 or something. - Oh, my God! - Honest. - I believe you. All right. Come on. Are you hung over today? I was this morning. Really? What did you guys do last night? Got real high and went to a bar. That's it? Talked to a couple of girls who blew us off for these Abercrombie-model dudes who said they had coke. Now, don't worry. Kev was a good boy. No, he... He can talk to who he likes. Sure. He played me the demo. It was good. Yeah, it's really good. It was good the first time I heard it. It was good the hundredth. He's really proud of it. Almost makes me sorry I quit our old band. How far down do you think that is? I don't know. Far. Huh. What? Okay. All right. Imagine you threw yourself from here, all right? Your, your wife leaves you, your stocks bottom out, Beatles break up. You know that already happened, right? Yeah, whatever. So, imagine you take it upon yourself to jump. DAKOTA: Okay. On the way down, which way would you rather be facing? You're a weird guy. I get that. No, but really, I mean, would you rather be looking back up at the sky, no idea when the end is gonna hit? Or would you rather go face-first, aware of the moment when everything cuts to black, knowing that this second is your last? Face-up. Face-up? Yeah, just kick back and enjoy the ride. I'd want to see it coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd want to see it coming. Thanks for the ride. You ever get the urge to just... get in the car and drive? I mean, nowhere in particular, just to take control of your life for a moment? You know, to make a choice, even if that choice is to not make a choice? I don't drive. - Right. - Good night. 'Night! [Car door slams] - Hey, Dakota? - What? Never mind. Come on! I hate that! I really hate that! I hate it when guys do that! They want you to know they want to say something, but they're too afraid to actually say it, and then try to bait you to ask them! - I'm sorry. - Do you wanna say something, Jonah? Yes. What is it, then? Well, what is it? I can't tell you. Why not? - Because I can't. - Ugh, fine! I want to tell you that I like you. But I can't tell you that, can I? I want to tell you to forget about him. He's a great guy, the best, and he's my brother in everything but blood, and you two are good together, but I still want to tell you to tell him to fuck off and to be with me. I want to tell you that since the moment I met you I can't even get your face out of my brain. But I can't tell you that, that all I want right now in the world is to take you away with me. No him, no here, no this. Just us. If just for a day. You know? But I can't tell you that. I mean, you can't make me. I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I went and told you something like that? I'd appreciate it if if you didn't tell Kevin what I didn't say. Of course not, because... you didn't say it. No. No, I didn't. Good night. Good night, Dakota. Who does he think he is saying those things, or "not" saying those things? Seriously, who does something like that? Does he think he can just make up some speech that I'm sure he's practiced over and over again in the shower and I would just... I would just? Seriously, who does something like that? - So, you ditched us again last night. - Yeah, I guess I did. Denise almost had a fit. Denise is to annoying as Dakota is to doesn't give a fuck. - We were worried. - What, Mom, am I grounded? Jesus Christ, you can be a mean little bitch. What? I mean, honestly, we're just trying to help, and... Yeah, I know that. I'm sorry. What makes you think that you're so much better than the rest of us? Ah-ha! The key dilemma in any young superhero's life... Does she reveal her identity to the world or does she keep it a secret, assuring her security but also her alienation? BETH: Hello? Look, I don't know, all right? You're just... you're way ahead of me, that's all. I don't... I don't think about the future much. Why not? Because... there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is. I don't know why I even bother with you anymore. Because in the third grade we made each other friendship bracelets. You'd be surprised how much this stuff is actually true. Say you were gonna jump off of a building, all right? I'm sorry, why would I do that? Just imagine that you're gonna jump off of a building, okay? No. Why would I do that? I don't know. Whatever. The band breaks up. We've broken up, like, a thousand times. - Okay, maybe I break up with you. - Well, that's not gonna happen. Say it was your dick in a motorcycle accident. [Whistles] Yeah. Okay, I'm with you. Shoot. All right. So, you're gonna jump. Would you rather land face-down or face-up? What does it matter? Dead is dead. - God, does it have to be my dick? - But it does matter. Face-down, you're facing the end, you'll know the exact moment that you're gonna hit the ground. Face-up, though, you can just kick back and enjoy the ride, enjoy it while it lasts, and let the end sneak up on you. [Sighs] Face-up. Face-up? Wow, you're really, like, fucking up my high. It's, like, whoa! - I'm sorry. - That's okay. - Want some? - No! Sorry. No! No! [Dials phone number] [Cell phone rings] Hello? Hey. Hi. Um... Come over. - No. - No? ! What do you mean "no"? I mean no. - First you're... - Listen, there are rules. - I can't just... - And now you're just gonna...? Oh, wow. Okay, whatever. That's fine. No. No, no, no! [Silence] I'll be there in 10 minutes. [Disconnects phone] Oh! Drive. I said "drive." - Where? - I don't care where. Just... far away. ¶ If you had just one ¶ ¶ Let me be that love ¶ ¶ If you have lots of others ¶ ¶ Please let me be ¶ ¶ Please let me be one ¶ ¶ Let me be one ¶ ¶ If you like undressing ¶ ¶ Please let me find out ¶ ¶ If you like large intestines ¶ ¶ Please let me find ¶ ¶ Please, please, please Let me find out ¶ ¶ Let me find out ¶ ¶ Or if you're gone For weeks on end ¶ ¶ Crazy situations ¶ ¶ And don't know Why you drive through cars ¶ ¶ In dirty, foreign towns ¶ ¶ Please let me find out ¶ ¶ If you shield your eyes ¶ ¶ For glory every time ¶ ¶ And drag your mouth to smile ¶ ¶ And sickness is your cover... ¶ Why did we stop? Couldn't drive any further. That's a big fuckin' hole. That's a Grand fuckin' hole. JONAH: We always find ourselves looking down on things. I think that's a thing for us. Why is that? DAKOTA: Well, it's our obvious superiority above all others. - Sorry. - For what? I don't know if that was the right thing to do. In fact, I know that was not the right thing to do, but I wanted to, anyway. What are we gonna do? I don't know. This is pretty bad. - This is so bad. - Yeah. - I just feel like... - I know. Hey, how about this? How about let's just pretend like this is all a dream, okay? Okay. And nothing that we say or do counts in the waking world, and out there, I mean, we might be horrible people, but right here in our dream, you and me, this is all okay. - Just for today. - Just for right here and right now. You know, eventually we're gonna have to wake up from this dream. Yeah, but not right now. Not for a little while, anyway. So, I think I'm falling in love. Involuntarily blessed with something people spend their entire lives searching for. Lucky me. Are you tired? Tell me again why you don't drive. Uh, I don't have a license. Why not? Because I always had a ride. And you don't have a cell phone because...? Somebody might call it. You know, something just occurred to me. We've been gone almost 24 hours. Aren't your parents gonna freak? My mom's out of town. And your dad? My dad died when I was little, so... I think we're in the clear. JONAH: I'm sorry. It's okay. It's cancer. It happens. I guess... If you say "I guess that explains a few things", you lose a testicle. I wasn't gonna say... I don't date older guys looking for Daddy. I don't. I'm not looking for a father figure. I have a dad. He's just not here anymore. That would have really put me in my place if I would have said anything. I'm sorry. I just... Kevin just always... Never mind. [Sighs] [Traffic passes] [Door opens, closes] Told you. - You want the tour? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. Kitchen, dining room, den, living room... Hold on. Follow me. Hallway. Oh, goodness! My room! How did we get in here? Do we have to wake up yet? JONAH: I can't do this. DAKOTA: But we already are. We can't. - I know, but I want to. - Oh, God. So do I. - We can't. - We can't. [Jonah sighs] [Telephone starts ringing] Hello? KEVIN: Hey, where have you been all day? I've been studying at Denise's. You comin'? What? What do you mean, "What"? To the show. Hello? Oh, yeah! Of course! Fuck, yeah, of course. Can you do me a favor? - Yeah, sure. - Do you have Jonah's number? Yeah, yeah. I got it somewhere. All right, well, could you give him a call for me, then? Okay. All right. Cool. Well, hook up a ride with him to get here, - because I'm already at the show. - Okay. Bye. [Disconnects phone] [Jonah sighs] I guess it's time to wake up. Yeah. ¶ My heart beats more slowly ¶ ¶ But you're not here to hold me ¶ ¶ Baby, it can be so lonely ¶ ¶ Is it any wonder why I love you ¶ ¶ You're beautiful, so beautiful ¶ ¶ They're jealous, so jealous ¶ ¶ You're beautiful, just beautiful ¶ ¶ Is it any wonder why I love you ¶ [Instrumental interlude] ¶ My heart beats more slowly ¶ ¶ But you're not here to hold me ¶ ¶ Baby, it can be so lonely ¶ ¶ Is it any wonder why I love you ¶ ¶ Oh my heart beats more slowly ¶ ¶ But you're not here to hold me ¶ ¶ Baby, it can be so lonely ¶ ¶ Is it any wonder why I love you ¶ ¶ You're beautiful, so beautiful ¶ ¶ They're jealous, so jealous ¶ ¶ You're beautiful, just beautiful ¶ ¶ Is it any wonder why I love you ¶ Thank you, thank you. We are Brookhaven Three from Scottsdale, A-Z. [Cheers] I've got a little surprise for you guys, tonight. Dakota, come up on stage. Yeah, that's you. Come on. Let's go. I'm gonna do a cover for you guys of a song you probably never heard before, but you're gonna hear it now, so enjoy it. Jake... ¶ Some days I feel affected ¶ ¶ And it all disappears ¶ ¶ The rain and clouds Above my head ¶ BOTH: ¶ And it all disappears ¶ ¶ I'd understand it If I could grab it ¶ ¶ Another wish on my list ¶ BOTH: ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ Got my list ¶ ¶ Some days I feel protected ¶ ¶ And it all disappears ¶ ¶ Breathe as two But think as one ¶ ¶ And it all disappears ¶ ¶ I'd understand it If I could grab it ¶ ¶ Another wish on my list ¶ ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ One more day We've made it through, now ¶ ¶ Got my list, got my list ¶ ¶ Got my list ¶ ¶ Got my list ¶ ¶ Got my list ¶ [Cheers and applause] Well? What can I say? Motherfucking rock star. Fucking straight, dude. JACOB: We're out. DAKOTA: You guys did a really great show. Peace, brother-man. Good show, dude. KEVIN: Jim's? BETH: Hell, yeah! Can you give me a ride? JONAH: Yeah. BETH: Thanks. Let's go. I didn't know you could sing. I can't. - Beg to differ. - So, what were you doing today? Huh? I can't remember the last time you said you were studying, with Denise, no less. - Yeah, I was studying for the S.A.T.s. - Oh, look at that. My little braniac. What about you, punk-ass? I must have left you, like, 500 messages. - L... - HEATHER: Hi, guys. What'll it be? - Coffee. - Coffee. Coffee. Well, damn. I'll get a chili cheeseburger and a vanilla Coke. - Of course you will. - Thanks. What were you saying? Where were you today? Um, I went and I was... Kev, you were so good out there tonight! - Yeah? - Yeah. - Thanks. - Yeah. You rocked the house, dude. Yeah, make you sorry that you quit the old band? Oh, hell no! Don't believe this motherfucker for a second! You didn't quit the band! We kicked him out because he sucked! Bad? Bad? On a scale of 1 to 10, he was, like, negative 142. I thought you said you quit the band. KEVIN: Hey, yo, Terry! What kind of douche-bags come to Jim's at 2:00 in the morning? This some S.A.T. Study group? Nerd. - TERRY: Later, guys. - KEVIN: Have a good night, Terry. JONAH: Later. 'Kota, do you need a lift? KEVIN: No, I'll take her, man. BETH: Um, could I get a ride home? JONAH: Uh, yeah. BETH: 'Night, guys. - KEVIN: Can I come inside? - DAKOTA: No, not tonight. - Why? Your mom home? - Yeah. No. I mean... - Then, what? - I have school in the morning! Oh, come on. I'm still so amped up from the show, from the concert. Come on! Don't you want to fuck a rock star? Yeah. I hit that shit last night. Like I fucking care if I pass that stupid class. Just stayed home and played video games. Right now I'm really just trying to concentrate on my work. Same as ever. I don't get it. He didn't quit the band. They kicked him out. Why didn't I know that? I have to do something about this. I can't tell when he's lying. He could have been lying this whole time. Hey, Chris. It's Chris, right? Okay. So, I've been poring over these things all night, and I've learned two things. One, despite all non-scientific knowledge, an intense dose of radiation won't kill you. It'll just make you big and green and cranky. And two, every superhero has a weakness, something that brings them down with the rest of the mortals. Maybe that's it! Maybe Jonah is my archenemy, the one being out there that can nullify my superpower. Has our heroine finally met her match? Find out next month in... [Telephone rings] [Sighs] Hello. Take that, bitches! What's my score? DAKOTA: 140. And what's yours? DAKOTA: 56. God, you suck! Bowling's my favorite non-sport. So, are we gonna do this all night or what? Do what? Bowl? Not talk about this. About the other night. - Yes. - Yes, what? Yes, we're gonna not talk about this all night. I think I'm in love with you. - What? ! - No, fuck that. I'm absolutely, positively in love with you. I said I love you. How do I know? - Well, for starters, I just told you. - Yeah, but how do I know? I guess you're just gonna have to trust me. You see, that's it. I don't know how to do that, trust you. Excuse me? Ugh. I don't know how to do that. That's the problem. I guess I thought that I would have earned it by now. Don't you see? That's the problem. I... How do I know? It's really hard to explain. It's not that hard. [Sighs] Fucking hell. I've known him since I was 9. He used to steal the lunch money from the kids who stole mine, and we'd go buy fireworks. First car I ever drove was his. Lit my first cigarette. Had a lot of firsts with him. Now, it's the first time I've ever tried to steal anyone's girlfriend, so guess it fits that I go through that with him, too. Do you love him? I don't know. Do you love me? If I knew the answer to that, I'd probably know the answer to the other. You're right not to trust me. Look what I'm doing to my best friend. - It's not that I don't trust you, it's just... - No, no. It's cool. I understand. Let's go. - Where are we going? - Home. It's late. Aristocrat is to lmperious as Supplicant is to: Cowardly, Awkward, Servile, or Arrogant? Give me the choices one more time. Cowardly, Awkward, Servile, or Arrogant? Servile? - Very good! - Fuck, yeah! Bring on the bull-shit, S.A.T. S! I'm-a fuck them up! So how's Jonah? I don't know. You'd have to ask him. Uh-huh. - What? - Nothing. Let's trade secrets. No. I'll tell you a secret, then you tell me one. - No. - Come on. It will be fun. Like we're at a slumber party. Okay. I'll go first. Bookstores make me have to go shit. - What? ! - Yeah, I don't know what it is. I can't be in a bookstore for more than, like, 15 minutes before I have to go. - That's disgusting! - Oh, come on! Maybe it's some repressed Barnes Noble trauma deep in my childhood, but it happens without fail. - I sit next to you in English! - Okay. Your turn. No! Come on! That was really embarrassing! You have to give me something. Dude, that is your own damn problem. One of many, it seems. I know about you and Jonah. What about me and Jonah? That you were together all day Sunday and then lied about it. Bookstores? Seriously, I was joking about that. I'm perceptive, you know? I can tell when people are lying. Come on. Let me just be your friend for once. I'd really like to. He likes me, and I like him. More than Kevin? Different than Kevin. I understand. Jonah is a good guy. Have you guys...? No. Kind of. Almost. But it doesn't matter, because all I have to do is wait a few more days, right, and then he'll be gone, and then the decision makes itself. Only if you let it. - You want to know what I think? - No, not really. You need to make that decision for yourself. Don't take the easy way out, or you'll regret it. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up regretting something when this is over, no matter what I do. The only thing that bugs me more than when Beth shares secrets is when Beth is right. This is a decision I have to come to myself. I can't just ride this out and accept the default answer. Predictable doesn't always mean boring. Lust doesn't always mean love. Near doesn't always mean close. New doesn't always mean exciting. Different doesn't always mean better. Far doesn't always mean distant. Knowing everything doesn't make you wise. Knowing the truth doesn't make you superior. Knowing your problem doesn't solve it. Sitting between your past and your future doesn't mean you're in the present. What did you think? Sucks. Yeah. I'm leaving. Going home. - When? - Now. What do you mean, "now"? Now, like this minute. I can't be here. Please don't go. I don't want you to. Yeah. I know. That makes two of us. But I think you're trying to make a decision, and I'm gonna make it easier on you. I'm eliminating myself as a choice. So, a great fucking movie, or what? It sucked! What the fuck? Are you deaf, dumb, and blind? That movie was amazing, dude! Kev, I'm gonna head out of town tonight. What the fuck? Why? I got to get back... stuff to do. Why didn't you say some shit earlier, dude? We could have planned a party or something. I know. It's cool. I'm with the only people I want to see. Dude. All right, bro. KEVIN: Well, good seeing you, man. JONAH: You too. I love you, bro. - You too. - All right. - Bye. - Bye. [Quietly] I'm sorry for coming in and fucking up your life. See you later, kids. Well, I guess I know where you'll be if we ever break up. - What? - "What?" A couple more seconds in that hug, and I'd have to fucking drop-kick his ass. DAKOTA: You're stupid. Shut up. You know, he's a really good guy. I like him. Me, too. Come on. Let's go. Did you notice something funny about Jonah tonight? Like how? I don't know. Like, he looked all, like... sad. - Yeah, I suppose he did. - Yeah. I haven't seen that look on his face since we asked him to quit the band. I thought that you kicked him out. Kicked him out, asked him to quit. Same thing. Whatever. DAKOTA THINKING: Same thing. Whatever. Want to go bowling? Not really. [Clears throat] Want to go back to your place? My mom came home today. DAKOTA THINKING: Same thing. Whatever. What? I know that I have to make a choice, regret it or not. I choose to be alone. I choose to jump face-first, to not just kick back and enjoy the ride. I choose neither my future nor my past, but my present, my now. So, it turns out senior year sucked a little bit less than junior year, and Beth is still, well, Beth, still obsessed with college and careers and all that shit, but we're friends again, not because we are, but because we actually like each other. There are even times when I don't mind being able to see through all the bullshit. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do, you know? It is what it is. And there are a lot of liars out there. Now I'm just starting to do something about it. Same thing. Whatever. Those three stupid words that Kevin said to me that night managed to drive a spear right through the middle of my entire world view. What if there's no black and white in this world, no good and no evil, no right and no wrong? What if there are no lies and no truth? What may be a lie to one person may be completely true for another. Beth tells me this is called relativism. I don't know. Sounds like an S.A. T. Word to me. All I know is my headache's gone, my friends seem to like me again, and, well, I'm happy, involuntarily endowed with something people spend their entire lives searching for. Lucky me. - Shouldn't you be studying? - Mom, I'll be fine. - Remember, keeps your hands at... - 10 and 2, Mom. I know. There will probably be a few trick questions on the test. Mom... Your father would have been a much better driving instructor. I like the one I had just fine. Well, I tried. And you succeeded. ANNOUNCEMENT: Now serving B52. - Is that you? - No. You know, you never did tell me why this sudden urge to get your license. I got sick of relying on people for a ride. Well, I don't want you driving at night. - Okay. - ANNOUNCEMENT: Now serving B21. Oh, that's me! Wish me luck, okay? Remember to put your seat belt on. Okay. Close enough. My name is Dakota Skye. I am 18 years old, only medium-cute, and I have a superpower. Okay, maybe a little cuter than medium. ¶ Somehow ¶ ¶ I'm leading someone else's life ¶ ¶ I cut a star down ¶ ¶ With my knife ¶ ¶ And right now ¶ ¶ I still see the way the moon ¶ ¶ Plays this tune ¶ ¶ Though our lights died ¶ ¶ My hands shake ¶ Every superhero has a nemesis. ¶ It's every day ¶ Someone that negates her powers and brings her down amongst the mortals. ¶ Then came you ¶ ¶ And as you ¶ ¶ Keep your picture ¶ Someone that makes her no more than human. ¶ Then came you ¶ ¶ When I'm lost ¶ ¶ Look at my picture of you ¶ ¶ And somehow ¶ ¶ I'll make tonight our own ¶ ¶ Show you every way I've grown ¶ Sometimes I think I made him up, And I reached out through the ether, through the haze, and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, please, come wake me up." ¶ I'll learn the parts and play along ¶ ¶ If you let me ¶ Every superhero has a nemesis. ¶ My hands shake ¶ Mine is a cute stoner boy named Jonah. ¶ My knees quake ¶ ¶ It's every day ¶ ¶ The same way ¶ ¶ 'Cause then came you ¶ ¶ Then there's you ¶ ¶ I keep your picture ¶ ¶ In my worn-through shoes ¶ ¶ Then there's you ¶ ¶ Then came you ¶ ¶ When I'm lost ¶ ¶ I look at my picture of you ¶ ¶ If you let me ¶ ¶ I'll show the world to you ¶ ¶ Yes, if you let me ¶ Tell me you love me. [Cigarette lighter flicks] JONAH: I still have the dream sometimes. I do. I come home from the store and find you on my doorstep with a suitcase. And not your entire wardrobe. Just a carry-on, a duffel bag. We don't say anything, but you have this look in your eye that kills me. It just... And I unlock the door and let you in. And that's it. That's the dream. When I wake up, I wake up happy... vibrating for a few seconds with my head in the sand... content. [Sighs] Then it goes away, and you go away. I really don't want to get out of bed then because it's cold out there, but I do. I get up. Life goes on. [Exhales] Most days you never even cross my mind. DAKOTA: Tell me that you love me. My name is Dakota Skye. I'm 18 years old, only medium-cute, and I have a superpower. I can't fly, I can't turn invisible, and I'm pretty sure that a bullet would make me good and dead. I don't have x-ray vision, either. Well, not exactly. The fact is I am incapable of being lied to. When someone tells a lie, any lie, to me, to anyone, I know the truth, what they really mean, so there are no lies in my world, or there are nothing but. It's kind of hard to explain. It's like movies from other countries. Somebody says something in French like "Voulez-vous coucher avec mol, ce soir?" and at the bottom of the screen it says... I don't know what it says. I flunked French. But I've been this way since... I guess since I was little. Who are you? MAN: It's me, Santa Claus. Liar! TEACHER: In this section, we're going to look at explorers. Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. He was a great explorer, and really the first important figure in the history of our country. Is Daddy gonna be okay? MOTHER: He's going to be just fine. And sophomore year, when Jacob Barrow told me that he loved me, well, I let him take my virginity anyway. It had to go sometime. And to the best of my knowledge, I've never been bitten by a radioactive spider or dosed with an overabundance of gamma rays -- whatever those are. I have no explanation. I'm just involuntarily cursed with the truth, something people spend their entire lives looking for. Lucky me. ANNOUNCER: Dorian Wallace. Hey. I'm so happy for you. I know. I know... All right. Well, see you there, okay? Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go home and change really fast, okay? Us, too. Hey, Dakota! Yeah? Congratulations. Thanks. You too. So, in order to explain why I'm about to ditch my friends and drive 2,500 miles across country less than an hour after graduating high school, I'll have to tell you a story, a story about a different Dakota Skye. You see, every superhero has a nemesis, an archenemy. Mine is a cute stoner boy named Jonah. This Dakota Skye Is only 17 years old. What frame were we on? DAKOTA: 8. What's my score? DAKOTA: 184. What's yours? DAKOTA: Don't worry. I think you're gonna win. Come on. Tell me your score. What is it? - DAKOTA: 42. - Ah, see? You're getting better, babe. Ha! Take that, bitches! How about a kiss? Your turn. - What was I saying before? - The demo. Yes, demo. Jacob said he's going to get it to his cousin once we get the mix done. - His cousin? - Yeah. The one who works at Sub - Pop. I told you about that. Oh, that's right. You did. Are you gonna come with me on Wednesday to band practice? Where? At Jacob's. - Maybe. - Maybe? Why not? I said "maybe. " - Yeah, but you meant "no. " - Jacob hates me. He does not! Want to get out of here? KEVIN: Oh, God, I love you. [Kissing] DAKOTA: Are you okay? Yeah? Are you gonna come? KEVIN: Unh-unh. Keep going. KEVIN: Oh, God, I love you. Oh, don't move. Oh, yeah. [Kevin exhales] Kevin is a liar, but no more than anybody else. Certainly no more than me. [Alarm clock ringing] I hate Kevin less than almost anybody, and his looks don't make me vomit. So he's my boyfriend. And he's talented and a nice guy, and we have fun, and the first couple of times that he told me that he loved me he meant It. At least, he thought he did. And if he ever cheats on me, well, I'll know. "Dearest Dakota, gone to L. A. Be back tomorrow night. Left cash in the cookie jar. Love, Mom. " Junior year is almost over, and everyone -- all my friends, all the teachers -- all they talk about is the future, about college and careers and all that shit. I have never been able to think that far. Beth is the worst of them. I think she's got the next 25 years of her life planned down to the hour. I don't think she even likes me anymore. Well, being me, I know she doesn't like me anymore. Why should she? I mean, I'm bitchy and sad and angry and distant all the time. I'm not even sure I like me anymore. We're friends because we have been for the better part of the last 12 years. No other reason. We are because we are. So, year after year, lie after lie, It's all been building inside my head like a snowball. You're right, Jeannie-- Thomas Jefferson did own some slaves. He was, after all, a man of his times, but he treated the slaves that he owned quite well. I used to be able to keep it in check. When it was my folks and teachers, It seemed okay. On his deathbed, in fact, he freed many of them. And then boys and sex came into the picture, and with boys, more lies, with sex, more lies. I go through weeks at a time just praying someone will actually say what they mean for once. Like I said, It's kind of hard to explain. BETH: Hey! Hey. Dakota, what's wrong? Nothing. I forgot to bring in your CD. I'll bring it back tomorrow, okay? Yeah. Sure. DENISE: Hey, guys. Hey, Denise. BETH: So, what time tonight? - Say, like, 5:00? - 5:00's good. Do you want us to bring anything? - Soda, maybe snacks. - What are you guys talking about? We're studying for the S.A.T.'s at my house tonight, remember? You said you'd come. That does not sound like me. The test is in 2 weeks. We really need to study. Oh, what is this? An intervention? BETH: No. - Let's go. - So, you'll be there? I don't even know if I want to go to college. Well, we already signed you up for the next test. That can't be legal. - So, you'll be there? - Sure. BETH: Good. AMY: Come on, guys. God, it's hot here. Hey, little girl. You want some candy? I don't know. My mommy told me never to talk to strangers. Oh, I guess it will be our little secret, then, huh? Mm, okay, if you got candy. [Car radio blaring] What time is it? I don't know. Like, 11 :00. 12:00, maybe. - GIRL: Don't you have school? - DAKOTA: Not until morning. Where were you? Where was I what? Tonight. Denise's. Oh, I guess I forgot. I'm sorry. Oh, I was worried. Why? Well, for starters, you're not studying, you're not sleeping, you're barely keeping a C average, it's 1:00 in the morning, and you're at freakin' Jim's. Hey, leave Jim's out of this. And you make a C average sound bad. Beth, seriously, I'm fine. I am fine. Kev, will you please tell your girl to straighten up? Well, she's sitting right there. You tell her. All right, fine. We're doing another S. A. T. thing on Thursday night. Will you please just come? Oh, wow. Yeah. That's amazing. I got to piss. Could you scoot? Thanks. You piss more than a girl. Well, fuck me with a stiff midget. Yo, T! Holy shit, dude! When the fuck did you get in town? How did I know I'd find you assholes here? Broadway Danny Rose. - Hey. - Good to see you. You too, man. Good to see you, Terry. GIRL: Oh, Jonah! it's been so long! JONAH: Yeah, yeah. How you been? - GIRL: Oh, good, good. - JONAH: Nice. This is um...[Snaps fingers] uh...fuck... Beth, and this is my girlfriend Dakota. - Girls, I give you Jonah Moreno. - Nice to meet you! It's a pleasure. Hey, Heather! Cup of coffee? Sure thing, Jonah. Black? This is so weird. - When did you get into town? - Uh, last night. - I started driving Sunday. - You drove across country? This kid's crazy. Jonah's from New York. My name is Jonah, and I'm a starving actor. Jonah's, like, one of my best friends, too. I thought I was your best friend. You are, baby. How long are you in town for? Tell I get sick of you fucks. Ha-ha. That's my boy. I was looking to get into some trouble tonight. You guys got to do anything tomorrow morning? Dude, fuck that. I'm down. Let's go get lifted. We'll drop off Dakota on the way home. - Yeah? - Yeah. - You think Bobby would be down? - Dude, Bobby's always fucking down. JONAH: Good night. DAKOTA: 'Night. JONAH: It's nice meeting you, Dakota. DAKOTA: Yeah, you too. What are you guys gonna do tonight? [Coughs] DAKOTA: Ugh! God damn It. It's hot. [Schoolbell rings] [Car horn honks] Hey! Hey. What are you doing here? Kev called. He said band practice is going really well. He didn't want to break it off. Oh. Get in the car. I'll take you over to Jacob's. No, you don't have to do that. It's fine. Don't be retarded. Okay. [Music plays softly on car radio] Thanks. So, you guys had fun last night? So high. I'd never seen that look on Kevin's face until you walked in the door. What look was that? Joy. That was just stoner anticipation. I don't think so. Are you fucking my boyfriend? No! You have a girl back East? Nothing serious. Just... I don't know. No one that makes me-- Horny? Happy? Hungry? No. Plenty of that. I don't know. No one that makes me vibrate, I guess. Vibrate? You know, when you're with someone, you just want to be filled up with this, this energy, you know, you just want to... I don't know. DAKOTA: You gotta vibrate. I guess. I know. I don't bullshit, right? Not at all. So, how long have you and Kevin been going out? 9 months. That's got to be a record for him. Me, too. So, what's he calling the new band? [Snickers] Brookhaven Three. Aren't there 4 people in his band? I don't know. I don't get it, either. Well, I'm glad to see he's still playing. Yeah, they sound pretty good, actually. But don't tell him I said that, because I'm trying really hard to appear apathetic. We were in a band in high school. Did he tell you that? Dude, up until the other day, I didn't even know you existed. Well, we sucked. I sucked. - Really? - Yeah, believe me. I do. [Rehearsing loud rock music] Stop. Dude, stop. Jacob, stop! What, are you deaf? KEVIN: Dude, are you fucking deaf? I'm sorry. Fuck. Well? That sucked. Yeah, I know, dude. It's our second go at it. We'd be better if our fucking drummer could keep up with the beat. You guys know any covers? I mean, maybe you could get some wedding gigs. [Giggles] Oh, keep laughing over there, Dakota. You'll be laughing real hard when I'm balls deep in groupies! - Oh, we got a show on Sunday. - I'll be there. Fuck, yeah, you'll be there. You guys want to hear some better shit? - Do you have anything better? - Fuck you. Say yes. All right, bitches. Try to keep up. That means you. [Drummer leads introduction] "Dearest Dakota, at the conference until Friday. There's cash in the usual spot, and I love you. Mom. " - What are you gonna get? - I don't know yet. I don't know what I want. You're gonna get the chili cheeseburger plate and the vanilla Coke -- that's what you always get. That's not true. Yes, it is. You always think you're gonna get something different, but when Heather comes over here you still say "chili cheeseburger plate and a vanilla Coke"-- every time. Well, maybe tonight I'll get something different. JONAH: I used to love this place... more than my own home. You guys still like it here? Dude, it's Jim's. You? Yeah, sure, I guess. I don't know, man. You can't even smoke here anymore. HEATHER: Hey, kids. You're eating with us tonight? Yeah, I want hash browns. And a chocolate shake. And how about you, special guy? Chili cheeseburger? Vanilla Coke? - Uh, yeah. - HEATHER: Amazing. - De Niro? - Biscuits and gravy. - Can I get a fill-up on the coffee? - Absolutely. Be right back. Thank you, Heather. Love that girl. Good night. Good night, Dakota. DAKOTA: Good night, uh... [Motor revs] Okay, Skye, there's got to be a logical explanation. So, he hasn't lied once In the 2 days that you've known him. This doesn't mean anything. He'll lie soon enough. I'm sure he's just like the rest of us. Ambulatory is to Mobile as Fruitful is to: Nefarious, Fertile, Munificent, or Pernurious? Fertile! Good. Okay, Dakota... Hmm? intrepid is to Valorous as Multitudinous is to: Prostrate, Flagrant, Plethoric, or Static? - Are you speaking English? - Come on. Try it. I don't know any of those words. Okay. Well, just think of their relation to each other. Intrepid is to Valorous as Multitudinous is to... "B. " No, sorry. It's "C. " Damn it all to hell! I'm not fit to live among men! Dakota, you just have to try and study-- Um, maybe we should take a break, okay, and we'll pick this back up at Denise's later. Thank Christ. I want to touch I want to kiss I want to feel so close to this Is there any way That someone could feel the same If I promised them everything... You look like shit. - Yeah. I'm okay. - What did you guys do last night? Just fucked around. Smoked a little pot, went to Noel's, played some video games, whatever. We were just hung out and stayed there last night, you know? His floor is, like, crazy uncomfortable, though. It sucks. Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Whatever. Hey, I can't stay out late tonight, all right? I got to study. That's cool. Fuck this. Time to get this guy to lie. So, do you watch a lot of porn? A sizable amount, I guess. Why? 'Cause I was over at Bobby and Noel's, and they were watching this porn about these Asian girls and a dildo that can only be described as epic, and it was really gross. They said that they knew that, though, that they thought that it was gross that they watched it because it was funny. - They're lying. - No shit. Really? Porn is purely functional. It's not entertainment. It's functional? Yeah, porn has a singular purpose in its existence. It's a tool, an aid, a catalyst in the act of pleasuring yourself. Jerking off for guys is so casual. It's like, you know, we don't want to be bogged down coming up with some sort of scenario or something. Pop in a video, open a magazine, stream it online -- bam, done, on with the rest of your day. - What? - Nothing. So, how often do you do this? - Lots. - Oh. Who has time to be embarrassed? [Kevin sings quietly to himself] Oh, shit. Dude, did I play you guys our new song yet? [Demo plays] Yeah? The son-of-a-bitch doesn't lie. What kind of a guy doesn't lie? This is really starting to get on my nerves. [Demo continues] Hey, I can have Kevin take me home. Not this shit again. [Motor revs] What? Do you got anywhere to be? Enigmatic is to inscrutable as Surreptitious is to... Not really. Why? I haven't hiked up Papago since I was a kid. One time me and Kev came up here after school, and we fell asleep, and then a park ranger comes, closes the place down, right? I talk to much, don't I? No, I don't mind. You, on the other hand, are a woman of few words. No, I talk. Yeah, but you don't say much. Nothing personal. Prove it. Passions, goals, turn-ons, turn-offs? All right. My turn-ons are cigarettes,'70s punk, boys with rings in their lips, and long, pointless walks up rocks. 3 for 4. Turn-offs? Pretty much everything else. Yeah, I get that. Give me an example. Here, I got one. All my friends can talk about are the S.A.T.'s, right? About "college is this" and "my future that. " I mean, fucking shit, like, do I really have to go to college? Like, what if I want to knit fucking baskets or fucking -- or wait tables at Jim's or something? I mean, do I really have to get a higher education for that? Like, what degree do you suggest I get for that? I mean, Jesus-fucking-Christ, man! Oh, shit. Are you, like, a Bible nut or something? You can talk, can't you? Yeah, well it sucks. It does suck. What did you get on your S.A.T.'s? - Like 1350 or something. - Oh, my God! - Honest. - I believe you. All right. Come on. Are you hung over today? I was this morning. Really? What did you guys do last night? Got real high and went to a bar. That's it? Talked to a couple of girls who blew us off for these Abercrombie-model dudes who said they had coke. Now, don't worry. Kev was a good boy. No, he... He can talk to who he likes. Sure. He played me the demo. It was good. Yeah, it's really good. It was good the first time I heard it. It was good the hundredth. He's really proud of it. Almost makes me sorry I quit our old band. How far down do you think that is? I don't know. Far. Huh. What? Okay. All right. Imagine you threw yourself from here, all right? Your, your wife leaves you, your stocks bottom out, Beatles break up. You know that already happened, right? Yeah, whatever. So, imagine you take it upon yourself to jump. DAKOTA: Okay. On the way down, which way would you rather be facing? You're a weird guy. I get that. No, but really, I mean, would you rather be looking back up at the sky, no idea when the end is gonna hit? Or would you rather go face-first, aware of the moment when everything cuts to black, knowing that this second is your last? Face-up. Face-up? Yeah, just kick back and enjoy the ride. I'd want to see it coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd want to see it coming. Thanks for the ride. You ever get the urge to just... get in the car and drive? I mean, nowhere in particular, just to take control of your life for a moment? You know, to make a choice, even if that choice is to not make a choice? I don't drive. - Right. - Good night. 'Night! [Car door slams] - Hey, Dakota? - What? Never mind. Come on! I hate that! I really hate that! I hate it when guys do that! They want you to know they want to say something, but they're too afraid to actually say it, and then try to bait you to ask them! - I'm sorry. - Do you wanna say something, Jonah? Yes. What is it, then? Well, what is it? I can't tell you. Why not? - Because I can't. - Ugh, fine! I want to tell you that I like you. But I can't tell you that, can I? I want to tell you to forget about him. He's a great guy, the best, and he's my brother in everything but blood, and you two are good together, but I still want to tell you to tell him to fuck off and to be with me. I want to tell you that since the moment I met you I can't even get your face out of my brain. But I can't tell you that, that all I want right now in the world is to take you away with me. No him, no here, no this. Just us. If just for a day. You know? But I can't tell you that. I mean, you can't make me. I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I went and told you something like that? I'd appreciate it if if you didn't tell Kevin what I didn't say. Of course not, because... you didn't say it. No. No, I didn't. Good night. Good night, Dakota. Who does he think he Is saying those things, or "not" saying those things? Seriously, who does something like that? Does he think he can just make up some speech that I'm sure he's practiced over and over again in the shower and I would just - - I would just...? Seriously, who does something like that? - So, you ditched us again last night. - Yeah, I guess I did. Denise almost had a fit. Denise is to annoying as Dakota is to doesn't give a fuck. - We were worried. - What, Mom, am I grounded? Jesus Christ, you can be a mean little bitch. What? I mean, honestly, we're just trying to help, and-- Yeah, I know that. I'm sorry. What makes you think that you're so much better than the rest of us? Ah-ha! The key dilemma in any young superhero's life-- Does she reveal her identity to the world or does she keep it a secret, assuring her security but also her alienation? BETH: Hello? Look, I don't know, all right? You're just-- you're way ahead of me, that's all. I don't... I don't think about the future much. Why not? Because...there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is. I don't know why I even bother with you anymore. Because in the 3rd grade we made each other friendship bracelets. You'd be surprised how much this stuff is actually true. Say you were gonna jump off of a building, all right? I'm sorry, why would I do that? Just imagine that you're gonna jump off of a building, okay? No. Why would I do that? I don't know. Whatever. The band breaks up. We've broken up, like, a thousand times. - Okay, maybe I break up with you. - Well, that's not gonna happen. Say it was your dick in a motorcycle accident. [Whistles] Yeah. Okay, I'm with you. Shoot. All right. So, you're gonna jump. Would you rather land face-down or face-up? What does it matter? Dead is dead. - God, does it have to be my dick? - But it does matter. Face-down, you're facing the end, you'll know the exact moment that you're gonna hit the ground. Face-up, though, you can just kick back and enjoy the ride, enjoy it while it lasts, and let the end sneak up on you. [Sighs] Face-up. Face-up? Wow, you're really, like, fucking up my high. It's, like, whoa! - I'm sorry. - That's okay. - Want some? - No! Sorry. No! No! [Dials phone number] [Cell phone rings] Hello? Hey. Hi. Um... Come over. - No. - No? ! What do you mean "no"? I mean no. - First you're-- - Listen, there are rules. - I can't just-- - And now you're just gonna...? Oh, wow. Okay, whatever. That's fine. No. No, no, no! [Silence] I'll be there in 10 minutes. [Disconnects phone] Oh! Drive. I said "drive. " - Where? - I don't care where. Just...far away. If you had just one Let me be that love If you have lots of others Please let me be Please let me be one Let me be one If you like undressing Please let me find out If you like large intestines Please let me find Please, please, please Let me find out Let me find out Or if you're gone For weeks on end Crazy situations And don't know Why you drive through cars In dirty, foreign towns Please let me find out If you shield your eyes For glory every time And drag your mouth to smile And sickness is your cover... Why did we stop? Couldn't drive any further. That's a big fuckin' hole. That's a Grand fuckin' hole. JONAH: We always find ourselves looking down on things. I think that's a thing for us. Why is that? DAKOTA: Well, it's our obvious superiority above all others. - Sorry. - For what? I don't know if that was the right thing to do. In fact, I know that was not the right thing to do, but I wanted to, anyway. What are we gonna do? I don't know. This is pretty bad. - This is so bad. - Yeah. - I just feel like-- - I know. Hey, how about this? How about let's just pretend like this is all a dream, okay? Okay. And nothing that we say or do counts in the waking world, and out there, I mean, we might be horrible people, but right here in our dream, you and me, this is all okay. - Just for today. - Just for right here and right now. You know, eventually we're gonna have to wake up from this dream. Yeah, but not right now. Not for a little while, anyway. So, I think I'm falling in love. involuntarily blessed with something people spend their entire lives searching for. Lucky me. Are you tired? Tell me again why you don't drive. Uh, I don't have a license. Why not? Because I always had a ride. And you don't have a cell phone because...? Somebody might call it. You know, something just occurred to me. We've been gone almost 2 4 hours. Aren't your parents gonna freak? My mom's out of town. And your dad? My dad died when I was little, so... I think we're in the clear. JONAH: I'm sorry. It's okay. It's cancer. It happens. I guess-- If you say "I guess that explains a few things", you lose a testicle. I wasn't gonna say-- I don't date older guys looking for Daddy. I don't. I'm not looking for a father figure. I have a dad. He's just not here anymore. That would have really put me in my place if I would have said anything. I'm sorry. I just... Kevin just always... Never mind. [Sighs] [Traffic passes] [Door opens, closes] Told you. - You want the tour? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. Kitchen, dining room, den, living room... Hold on. Follow me. Hallway. Oh, goodness! My room! How did we get in here? Do we have to wake up yet? JONAH: I can't do this. DAKOTA: But we already are. We can't. - I know, but I want to. - Oh, God. So do I. - We can't. - We can't. [Jonah sighs] [Telephone starts ringing] Hello? KEVIN: Hey, where have you been all day? I've been studying at Denise's. You comin'? What? What do you mean, "what"? To the show. Hello? Oh, yeah! Of course! Fuck, yeah, of course. Can you do me a favor? - Yeah, sure. - Do you have Jonah's number? Yeah, yeah. I got it somewhere. All right, well, could you give him a call for me, then? Okay. All right. Cool. Well, hook up a ride with him to get here, - because I'm already at the show. - Okay. Bye. [Disconnects phone] [Jonah sighs] I guess it's time to wake up. Yeah. My heart beats more slowly But you're not here to hold me Baby, it can be so lonely Is it any wonder why I love you You're beautiful, so beautiful They're jealous, so jealous You're beautiful, just beautiful Is it any wonder why I love you [Instrumental interlude] My heart beats more slowly But you're not here to hold me Baby, it can be so lonely Is it any wonder why I love you Oh my heart beats more slowly But you're not here to hold me Baby, it can be so lonely Is it any wonder why I love you You're beautiful, so beautiful They're jealous, so jealous You're beautiful, just beautiful Is it any wonder why I love you Thank you, thank you. We are Brookhaven Three from Scottsdale, A - Z. [Cheers] I've got a little surprise for you guys, tonight. Dakota, come up on stage. Yeah, that's you. Come on. Let's go. I'm gonna do a cover for you guys of a song you probably never heard before, but you're gonna hear it now, so enjoy it. Jake... Some days I feel affected And it all disappears The rain and clouds Above my head BOTH: And it all disappears I'd understand it if I could grab it Another wish on my list BOTH: One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list Got my list Some days I feel protected And it all disappears Breathe as two But think as one And it all disappears I'd understand it if I could grab it Another wish on my list One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list One more day We've made it through, now Got my list, got my list Got my list Got my list Got my list [Cheers and applause] Well? What can I say? Motherfucking rock star. Fucking straight, dude. JACOB: We're out. DAKOTA: You guys did a really great show. Peace, brother-man. Good show, dude. KEVIN: Jim's? BETH: Hell, yeah! Can you give me a ride? JONAH: Yeah. BETH: Thanks. Let's go. I didn't know you could sing. I can't. - Beg to differ. - So, what were you doing today? Huh? I can't remember the last time you said you were studying, with Denise, no less. - Yeah, I was studying for the S. A. T.'s. - Oh, look at that. My little braniac. What about you, punk-ass? I must have left you, like, 500 messages. - I-- - HEATHER: Hi, guys. What'll it be? - Coffee. - Coffee. Coffee. Well, damn. I'll get a chili cheeseburger and a vanilla Coke. - Of course you will. - Thanks. What were you saying? Where were you today? Um, I went and I was-- Kev, you were so good out there tonight! - Yeah? - Yeah. - Thanks. - Yeah. You rocked the house, dude. Yeah, make you sorry that you quit the old band? Oh, hell no! Don't believe this motherfucker for a second! You didn't quit the band! We kicked him out because he sucked! Bad? Bad? On a scale of 1 to 10, he was, like, negative 142. I thought you said you quit the band. KEVIN: Hey, yo, Terry! What kind of douche-bags come to Jim's at 2:00 in the morning? This some S.A.T. study group? Nerd. - TERRY: Later, guys. - KEVIN: Have a good night, Terry. JONAH: Later. 'Kota, do you need a lift? KEVIN: No, I'll take her, man. BETH: Um, could I get a ride home? JONAH: Uh, yeah. BETH: 'Night, guys. - KEVIN: Can I come inside? - DAKOTA: No, not tonight. - Why? Your mom home? - Yeah. No. I mean... - Then, what? - I have school in the morning! Oh, come on. I'm still so amped up from the show, from the concert. Come on! Don't you want to fuck a rock star? Yeah. I hit that shit last night. Like I fucking care if I pass that stupid class. Just stayed home and played video games. Right now I'm really just trying to concentrate on my work. Same as ever. I don't get It. He didn¡Št quit the band. They kicked him out. Why didn¡Št I know that? I have to do something about this. I can't tell when he's lying. He could have been lying this whole time. Hey, Chris. It's Chris, right? Okay. So, I've been poring over these things all night, and I've learned 2 things. 1, despite all non-scientific knowledge, an intense dose of radiation won't kill you. It'll just make you big and green and cranky. And 2, every superhero has a weakness, something that brings them down with the rest of the mortals. Maybe that's it! Maybe Jonah is my archenemy, the one being out there that can nullify my superpower. Has our heroine finally met her match? Find out next month In-- [Telephone rings] [Sighs] Hello. Take that, bitches! What's my score? DAKOTA: 140. And what's yours? DAKOTA: 56. God, you suck! Bowling's my favorite nonport. So, are we gonna do this all night or what? Do what? Bowl? Not talk about this. About the other night. - Yes. - Yes, what? Yes, we're gonna not talk about this all night. I think I'm in love with you. - What? ! - No, fuck that. I'm absolutely, positively in love with you. I said I love you. How do I know? - Well, for starters, I just told you. - Yeah, but how do I know? I guess you're just gonna have to trust me. You see, that's it. I don't know how to do that, trust you. Excuse me? Ugh. I don't know how to do that. That's the problem. I guess I thought that I would have earned it by now. Don't you see? That's the problem. I... How do I know? It's really hard to explain. It's not that hard. [Sighs] Fucking hell. I've known him since I was 9. He used to steal the lunch money from the kids who stole mine, and we'd go buy fireworks. First car I ever drove was his. Lit my first cigarette. Had a lot of firsts with him. Now, it's the first time I've ever tried to steal anyone's girlfriend, so guess it fits that I go through that with him, too. Do you love him? I don't know. Do you love me? If I knew the answer to that, I'd probably know the answer to the other. You're right not to trust me. Look what I'm doing to my best friend. - It's not that I don't trust you, it's just-- - No, no. It's cool. I understand. Let's go. - Where are we going? - Home. It's late. Aristocrat is to imperious as Supplicant is to: Cowardly, Awkward, Servile, or Arrogant? Give me the choices one more time. Cowardly, Awkward, Servile, or Arrogant? Servile? - Very good! - Fuck, yeah! Bring on the bull-shit, S.A.T.'s! I'm-a fuck them up! So how's Jonah? I don't know. You'd have to ask him. Uh-huh. - What? - Nothing. Let's trade secrets. No. I'll tell you a secret, then you tell me one. - No. - Come on. It will be fun. Like we're at a slumber party. Okay. I'll go first. Bookstores make me have to go shit. - What? ! - Yeah, I don't know what it is. I can't be in a bookstore for more than, like, 15 minutes before I have to go. - That's disgusting! - Oh, come on! Maybe it's some repressed Barnes Noble trauma deep in my childhood, but it happens without fail. - I sit next to you in English! - Okay. Your turn. No! Come on! That was really embarrassing! You have to give me something. Dude, that is your own damn problem. One of many, it seems. I know about you and Jonah. What about me and Jonah? That you were together all day Sunday and then lied about it. Bookstores? Seriously, I was joking about that. I'm perceptive, you know? I can tell when people are lying. Come on. Let me just... be your friend for once. I'd really like to. He likes me, and I like him. More than Kevin? Different than Kevin. I understand. Jonah is a good guy. Have you guys...? No. Kind of. Almost. But it doesn't matter, because all I have to do is wait a few more days, right, and then he'll be gone, and then the decision makes itself. Only if you let it. - You want to know what I think? - No, not really. You need to make that decision for yourself. Don't take the easy way out, or you'll regret it. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up regretting something when this is over, no matter what I do. The only thing that bugs me more than when Beth shares secrets Is when Beth is right. This is a decision I have to come to myself. I can't just ride this out and accept the default answer. Predictable doesn't always mean boring. Lust doesn't always mean love. Near doesn't always mean close. New doesn't always mean exciting. Different doesn't always mean better. Far doesn't always mean distant. Knowing everything doesn't make you wise. Knowing the truth doesn't make you superior. Knowing your problem doesn't solve It. Sitting between your past and your future doesn't mean you're in the present. What did you think? Sucks. Yeah. I'm leaving. Going home. - When? - Now. What do you mean, "now"? Now, like this minute. I can't be here. Please don't go. I don't want you to. Yeah. I know. That makes two of us. But I think you're trying to make a decision, and I'm gonna make it easier on you. I'm eliminating myself as a choice. So, a great fucking movie, or what? It sucked! What the fuck? Are you deaf, dumb, and blind? That movie was amazing, dude! Kev, I'm gonna head out of town tonight. What the fuck? Why? I got to get back-tuff to do. Why didn't you say some shit earlier, dude? We could have planned a party or something. I know. It's cool. I'm with the only people I want to see. Dude. All right, bro. KEVIN: Well, good seeing you, man. JONAH: You too. I love you, bro. - You too. - All right. - Bye. - Bye. [Quietly] I'm sorry for coming in and fucking up your life. See you later, kids. Well, I guess I know where you'll be if we ever break up. - What? - "What?" A couple more seconds in that hug, and I'd have to fucking drop-kick his ass. DAKOTA: You're stupid. Shut up. You know, he's a really good guy. I like him. Me, too. Come on. Let's go. Did you notice something funny about Jonah tonight? Like how? I don't know. Like, he looked all, like...sad. - Yeah, I suppose he did. - Yeah. I haven't seen that look on his face since we asked him to quit the band. I thought that you kicked him out. Kicked him out, asked him to quit. Same thing. Whatever. DAKOTA THINKING: Same thing. Whatever. Want to go bowling? Not really. [Clears throat] Want to go back to your place? My mom came home today. DAKOTA THINKING: Same thing. Whatever. What? I know that I have to make a choice, regret it or not. I choose to be alone. I choose to jump face-first, to not just kick back and enjoy the ride. I choose nether my future nor my past, but my present, my now. So, it turns out senior year sucked a little bit less than junior year, and Beth is still, well, Beth, still obsessed with college and careers and all that shit, but we're friends again, not because we are, but because we actually like each other. There are even times when I don't mind being able to see through all the bullshit. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do, you know? It is what it is. And there are a lot of liars out there. Now I'm just starting to do something about It. Same thing. Whatever. Those 3 stupid words that Kevin said to me that night managed to drive a spear right through the middle of my entire world view. What if there's no black and white in this world, no good and no evil, no right and no wrong? What if there are no lies... and no truth? What may be a lie to one person may be completely true for another. Beth tells me this is called relativism. I don't know. Sounds like an S.A.T. word to me. All I know is my headache's gone, my friends seem to like me again, and, well, I'm happy, involuntarily endowed with something people spend their entire lives searching for. Lucky me. Subtitles: Arigön - Shouldn't you be studying? - Mom, I'll be fine. - Remember, keeps your hands at-- - 10 and 2, Mom. I know. There will probably be a few trick questions on the test. Mom... Your father would have been a much better driving instructor. I like the one I had just fine. Well, I tried. And you succeeded. ANNOUNCEMENT: Now serving B52. - Is that you? - No. You know, you never did tell me why this sudden urge to get your license. I got sick of relying on people for a ride. Well, I don't want you driving at night. - Okay. - ANNOUNCEMENT: Now serving B21 . Oh, that's me! Wish me luck, okay? Remember to put your seat belt on. Okay. Close enough. My name is Dakota Skye. I am 18 years old, only medium-cute, and I have a superpower. Okay, maybe a little cuter than medium. Somehow I'm leading someone else's life I cut a star down With my knife And right now I still see the way the moon Plays this tune Though our lights died My hands shake Every superhero has a nemesis. It's every day Someone that negates her powers and brings her down amongst the mortals. Then came you And as you Keep your picture Someone that makes her no more than human. Then came you When I'm lost Look at my picture of you And somehow I'll make tonight our own Show you every way I've grown Sometimes I think I made him up, And I reached out through the ether, through the haze, and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, please, come wake me up. " I'll learn the parts and play along If you let me Every superhero has a nemesis. My hands shake Mine is a cute stoner boy named Jonah. My knees quake It's every day The same way 'Cause then came you Then there's you I keep your picture In my worn-through shoes Then there's you Then came you When I'm lost I look at my picture of you If you let me I'll show the world to you Yes, if you let me Tell me you love me. Kids, the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me. Stella and I had started dating, and I'd just gotten a big raise at work, so I decided to purchase something I knew would be the envy of all my friends. A new car! Ted, this is New York City, you're never gonna drive it. This is a really, really stupid purchase, and I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. - Shotgun for eternity! - You can't call shotgun for eternity. I just called it. - You can't just call things, Barney. - I call that I can call things! Hey, baby. - Beer. Are you okay? Beer. Okay, what happened? They always told me that working at a big law firm was like being at war. You get out of law school, it's like getting out of boot camp. That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, full of piss and vinegar... - Dude, we're lawyers now. - Totally. - We've got briefcases and everything. - Freaking briefcases. - You have anything in yours? - Totally empty. You? Candy bars. Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies and you feel a sense of camaraderie. - But before too long... - Hey, Marshall. ...the shells start to fall. - Hello, Arthur. Arthur Hobbs is one of the senior partners in my firm and he's my boss. He seems like a nice guy, but he's got a nickname. Artillery Arthur. How's your morning going? It's going fine. How is yours? Not too bad, not too bad. Hey, is Ferguson in yet? He is, he's just in his office next door. That's great. Have a good one, buddy. You, too. You never know who's gonna get hit. Hey, Ferguson! I read your report, and it's complete crap! No, you know what? That's an insult to crap. If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! Your report is the crap that crap craps! If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! Shocked! It was brutal, but the worst was a few minutes later. Did you hear that? Yeah, sorry. Can you believe he did that on Take Your Daughter to Work day? - So that brings us to today. - Oh, no. A little background. So I'm working on this report called "Using 23-B-3 spurious class action precedent "to contest a class certification order "based on a lack of commonality and numerosity..." Dude, you lost us. Can't you just call it something cool, like the "Ninja Report"? Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever. Um... So I'm supposed to turn in the Ninja Report yesterday. Ooh! - Awesome. - Wow. Cool. But I got insanely busy with other stuff, I didn't get a chance to finish it, and then this morning... Hey, Ferguson. Hey, Arthur. How's your day going? - I gotta go. Great. How is yours? Great, great. - Hey, is Marshall in yet? Oh, thank God. Yeah, he's right in there. Fantastic. Have a good one, buddy. And then, - he screamed at me. - Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. What, that's it? You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you? Barney, I have never been screamed at like that in my life. Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at, at work? I got screamed at three times today. Once in Korean. This is corporate America, Marshall. Screaming is a motivational tool, like Christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. It's just good business. Oh, baby, it's just not fair. You've been working so hard. Late nights, weekends. I never see you. We've barely made love in weeks. It's bad, guys. Mama needs her sugar. Look, Marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. He probably respects you more for it. Yeah, about that. So Arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment, face turning red, vein in his forehead about to burst, spittle flying like shrapnel. Everyone you work with walking by your office, peering in. And, suddenly, I just felt all of it. - All of what? - All of it. The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, and now I'm working for the bad guys instead. The fact that I am stuck in this job because of a mortgage I can barely afford on an apartment that is crooked. The fact that I am a grown man, and nobody, not even Artillery Arthur, has the right to talk to me like that! Uh-oh! I begged my body not to do it. But it was no use. I just... I just... Just because you weren't around for this, I called shotgun for all eternity in Ted's car. Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss. I don't know what happened. There's just something about being yelled at like that, like I was being scolded by my dad. Suddenly, I was a little boy. Is "boy" the right word? I felt absolutely powerless. Flaccid. Hell, I felt castrated. God, you're hot right now. And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk into Arthur's office and give him the Ninja Report. - Oh. - Ninjas are cool. How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again? Here's what I would do if I were you. - Hi, Arthur. - Hello, Marshall. Have you finally finished the Ninja Report? Yeah, I got it. Right here. I think it's gonna blow you away. Please, I have a family. - So we good? - Yeah. We're so good. Then why are you still in my office? Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything up in Canada, Robin, but here in America, we solve our problems with words. Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy with a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. Like Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, eloquent speech off the top of your head. Observe. - Arthur? - What do you want, Marshall? Justice, sir. You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights. The most fundamentally paramount of which is the right... Wait, you can't be "fundamentally paramount." One means "highest," one means "lowest." You are nailing this. Human beings have rights, and those rights are... Um... You got me hooked, reel me in. There are certain justices that cannot or will not be inalienable as such for the future. - Stuck the landing. Bravo! - Thank you. Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? I can't have some big confrontation with Arthur. I need this job. I need the money. Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, tell him off and then quit? It's great to fantasize about, but nobody ever actually does it. Gary Blauman did it. Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. We were at the morning meeting and old Blauman was getting reamed out but good. Pretty much routine at the morning meeting, but then, on this particular day, something amazing happened. You made yourself look bad, you made this company look bad, and, quite frankly, you made our friends, the North Koreans, look bad! And I'll tell you something else, Blauman, - if you think for one moment... - You know what, Bilson? You can kiss my ass. Oh, snap. - What? - You heard me. I don't need to take your crap anymore. My cousin's Web site went public today, and I made a pile of money on the IPO, so you know what I think of this whole damn company? - Oh, my God. - He peed on the conference table? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Look, could you guys just look away for a second till I get started? Come on. Come on. Does this help? Eventually, he just gave up and left. And then his cousin's Web site tanked. And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home and moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley. That's it? That's the end of the story? No, no, of course not. He died. How does that help me? How does any of this help me? Can somebody, for God's sakes, please give me one piece of useful advice? Lily, control your woman. The lesson of Blauman is that when your boss screams at you, you never scream back. That's why there's a little thing in corporate America I like to call the chain of screaming. - Chain of screaming? - Yes. The chain of screaming starts at the top. Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. Arthur screams at you. You go home and scream at Lily. Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. Then that kid screams at her dad, Arthur's boss's boss. And the whole thing starts all over again, thus completing the circle of screaming. I thought it was a chain of screaming. It's a circle, Ted, I called it a circle. I don't scream at Lily. And I don't scream at my kids, none of whom have parents who work at Marshall's firm. So it's not a circle. Fine. You want it to be a chain of screaming, it's a chain of screaming. I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 'cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, ruin it! You guys always undermine me when I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! God, I'm surrounded by idiots! Idiots! See, doesn't everyone feel better now? Lily, I need your take on this. What should I do? Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten... Oh, God. ...is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing is to be constructive and positive. - Hello, Arthur. - Hello, Marshall. I have the Ninja Report right here. But, Arthur, in the future, if you want someone to do their best work, try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, but through encouragement, inspiration and respect. Well said, Marshall. I needed to hear that. By the way, I saw your wife's picture in your office. That is one tasty slice. Oh, you're damn right. You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? Oh, yeah. - I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off. - That's it. - Just throw her on the bed. - That's where she belongs. And drive her home like a pack of sled dogs! - Oh, yeah! - Oh, yeah! It's bad, guys. Mama needs it bad. You're right, baby, it's about respect. That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. Can you give me that speech again? - I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of... - Right, no, the other part, please. I have the Ninja Report right here, but... And it seemed like that was the end of it, but it wasn't, because the next night... Which of these carpets would look better in the new apartment? I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. It would feel great on your bare feet or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat rolling down your trembling bosom. Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles? - Hey. - Don't say my name. Lily can't know it's me. Just pretend you're talking to Stella. Be all lovey-dovey. Hey, Stella. Sweetie, how's it going? Not good, not good at all. - Where are you right now? - Right downstairs, come find me. Without Lily. Okay, I'll see you soon. - I love you. - I love you, too. Wow, you two are already saying the "L" word, huh? Apparently. You hitting that? Uh-oh! I'm in trouble, Ted. Ted, I'm freaking out, man. Um... Uh... It's a new car, so just be careful... I did something stupid. Can we just drive somewhere? I need to get away. Just drive, man. Please, just drive. - It's just this is a really good parking spot. - Dude! Look, just tell me what happened first. Okay. Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech that Lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? Well, it didn't totally go that way. There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. Sorry. What happened? After we all finished talking last night, I went down to the diner to finish working on the Ninja Report. Hey, Marshall. How long have you been sitting there? If you go in there with Lily's kindergarten nonsense, you're gonna get torn apart. I'm here to save your life. You hungry? - Yeah, I was just about to order. - What do you want? - A BLT and gravy fries. - Mmm. Okay, friends, what do you like? A green tea with lemon for me, and for my friend here, the meatloaf, please. Very good. - You know, I didn't want meatloaf. - Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. Arthur screamed at you. - Now you have to scream at someone else. - No, I don't. Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive. - Who would I even scream at? - I don't know. How about somebody who's disappointed you? Someone who's let you down. Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf when you explicitly ordered a BLT and gravy fries. No. Hey, I was just heading to the bar. What are you guys doing out here? - Oh, I was just telling Ted a story. - Oh, I like stories. You want a lick? - What? - Is that ice cream cone big enough? It's delicious enough. Okay, so, then I say to Barney... I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, Barney. Yes, you are. That waiter is every boss and every bully who ever embarrassed or belittled you. And how dare he deny you the one thing that you want that would make you happy at this moment. A BLT and gravy fries. One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. Enjoy, my friends. Marshall. Excuse me. Yes? This is not what I ordered. Yes, it is. I beg your pardon, sir, but I ordered a BLT and gravy fries. And as the customer, I'm always right, so... No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! I am at the end of a triple shift, that's 18 hours! And then I have to take two trains and a bus to Astoria to have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf! - Hey, what are you guys doing out here? - Oh, sweet, can I get a toot? Against car rules, it's against car rules! Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban. People pay to have their car smell like this. Well, that's just not true. Oh, Marshall, switch seats with me. I called shotgun for all eternity. - You can't call shotgun for eternity. - Well, that's funny, 'cause I did! - It's case by case. - Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here! A 20% tip, really, for that waiter? - I don't know, Barney, he worked a triple... - I can't believe... You know what? If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, yell at me. - What? - Yell at me. - I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney. - What, you think you're gonna upset me? - Please, give me your best shot. - Okay, fine, what? - You want me to yell at you? - Yeah. This is me yelling at you, Barney. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away. This is me yelling at you, Barney! Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. Make it hurt. You don't look as good in suits as you think you do! No, something that's true. Come on. The man made you cry. Make me cry. - Your mom's a slut! - Yes. Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, Barney, but you and your brother clearly have different fathers. And you know why? It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut! - Keep going. - I don't care what you say. - Bob Barker is not your father! - Okay, now, well, that's just not cool. - Oh, my God, Barney, I'm so sorry... - No, I'm kidding. Keep going. Bob Barker's not your father! You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host is your real father, and he's not! You were abandoned, Barney! You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, and so now you never allow yourself to feel anything, and that's how you survive in this corporate world, and if I keep heading down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! And I don't want that! I don't want any of this! This is not why I became a lawyer. This is not the person that I wanted to be. I quit, Arthur! I quit! Well, thank you, Eriksen, I needed to hear that. Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally, it's just that I... No, no, no, the part where you said, "I quit." Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. - Robin, you dropped a little ice cream... Dude! - Sorry. I'm sorry. - Dude! Don't blame this on me, Marshall. I told you to yell at someone beneath you. The circle of screaming is... The chain of... Pyramid! The pyramid of screaming! The pyramid of screaming. How am I supposed to tell Lily? She supported me through three years of law school, and now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. Now we're gonna lose the apartment. The place where we were gonna raise our children. How am I supposed to tell the person who I love more than anything in this world that I've just thrown away our future? Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! Out of the new car! Ted, screaming never solves anything. And so Marshall finally had to tell Lily what happened. I'm so sorry. I just lost it. But I can fix it. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there on my hands and knees and beg for my job back. - No, you're not. - What? Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. And it's definitely not you being miserable at that horrible job. I'm just happy to have my husband back. We'll figure the rest out. - I love you. - I love you, too. Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet without going bust on the apartment. You sure about this? Yeah, who needs a car in New York City, right? - Ted, I don't think I can accept... - Marshall, don't make me scream at you. Thanks a lot, buddy. - You guys did it in the car, didn't you? - Oh, yeah! - Definitely this one. - Yeah. Everyone, how do I look to you when I'm singing? You must see me as a brilliant, talented beauty, and be full of admiration! I love my singing self! Wonder if she's OK? Maybe from the heat? And I love Makimura about as much as my singing self! Kasumi, what are you listening to? Western music. Untrue. I'm listening to my recorded singing. Why are you smirking? Thinking about Makimura? What's that mean? ! I was not! You were so! I was not. I wasn't! I didn't say anything. Look, he's sending some hot glances. Makimura! My, my, my! Great, must be mutual love? It's not like that... They can tell by looking at us how we feel! That we've suddenly become closer. At school they say he and I go well together. He's Student Council head, serious but artsy, his hobby is photography. I am so attractive, and the best singer in the choir! We are both full of gifts from God! What's with the smile? ! Hey! Are you OK? Got a fever? Not coming yet! Not coming yet! Not coming yet! Not coming yet! Exactly what time is it? What's the number for time? 911 It's 08:05. Bus is five minutes late. Hata-saka-ue Mizoguchi, you bastard! Not 'punctual' again today! Mizoguchi Oh no! It's Gondo from Yunokawa Academy! Mizoguchi, you know what's wrong! Next stop, Hata-saka-ue. Hata-saka-ue. Circumstances require passing this stop! Mizoguchi! It can't be? ! Lucky! Not only late, but you refuse passengers too? ! Why can't you... do your assigned job 'spiritually'? ! Show us your 'spirit'! I'm sorry! I'll be 'spiritual' from tomorrow! It's 'callous' to step on a shoe heel. The heel will cry! 'Callus'? What about 'calluses'? ! Hey, Kasumi! Ogino-san! Sorry about that! Let's meet on the roof after clubs today? After school? The roof? I'd like to talk. OK, fine. Yeah? See you. Hey, what's that about? Meeting on the roof after school can mean only one thing! Your nose is bleeding! Are you OK? You OK? Kaede, the right side too! Makimura's going to confess! That must be it! What must be? Kaede! Mizuki! I feel like singing! Sing, Salmon, Sing! Returning upstream, the female uses her last strength to lay eggs. To protect her own laying site, the female drives off other females like this. This shows salmon egg deposition. Teacher, the salmon faces look gross! Hey, don't say it's gross! This is perfectly natural for salmon. As females, you'll produce eggs also. Sexual harassment! Harassment? ! Excuse me! From today I'm the new club head, Kaede Matsumoto. I'm part leader, Mizuki Nomura. Our seniors quit to study, this will be our first practice. Let's put our all into it! Yes! Voice from top of your head! More volume! Ogino-san! We'd like to ask something... You'll be fine. You should just sing like me. But... Oh no! I'm 20 minutes late because of practice! What are you doing? So... Talk... about what? Ogino-san... Here it comes! I... Be calm! Be calm! Don't lose control. What will I do? I may seem cheap if I quickly say OK. Maybe play hard to get? I want to photograph you. No confession? ! Photos are my hobby, but I'm just a beginner. You mean it's OK? OK. Thanks. You don't mean in a swimsuit? ! You're too self-conscious! Just joking. Hokkaido choral contest send-off is tomorrow? I've always wanted to photograph you singing. Me singing? ! Bye. Me singing is... a beautiful thing. A hymn to beauty. Expression of love to me. That's great! I thought so, he really does love me! It's really special. I've always been popular, but it's the first confession from the boy of my dreams. What's wrong with her? Maybe she likes a boy? You think so? ! Grandpa, don't wander around with that! It's dangerous! The axe! Dear, do you know who he is? Who knows? Why do you avoid my question? Grandpa! When did you come here? ! Pheromone activity. What? ! Shh! Silence is golden! Whoever gossips to you, gossips about you. Not what it means... Kasumi, no matter what happens, I'll be on your side. Don't forget that. What? ! About what? Ogino-san, morning! Morning. Isn't she a bit much lately? She's full of herself. Rena's a better match for him. Both on Student Council... Perfect. Ogino's only good at flirting with boys. I really hate her. It's blurry. You have to focus! This is to focus, this is the zoom. Elbows in. They say, "As the moth flies into the flame," and summer truly is a season of temptation. The pleasures of night, desire, and of water. Please use great caution and avoid these alluring traps. Summer holidays begin tomorrow, so please ensure that you return safely for second term, by living your lives properly. Next, a report from your teacher, Senuma. Who's that? A substitute teacher since last month. Seems to be out of it. Hello students. I'm Yuko Senuma. The hot sun again today is tough for me to bear... Are you alright? Oh! Suddenly dizzy... Well, I'm just a substitute for a teacher on maternity leave. But those in the choir club... aspiring to take part in the national contest, with the Hokkaido preliminary in one month, are working hard, it seems. Advisor, but not committed? I'm a woman who's not good with a baton, but everyone please support the choir club. Since today is the send-off event for the choir club, we want to hear their lovely voices. Tumbles over the root of the tree Always waiting, always waiting Working hard one day in the field Bunny rabbit bouncing along Tumbles over the root of the tree Bump into the root, bunny rabbit Always waiting, always waiting Lucky, I'll just lie... They're amazing. Made the national finals two years ago... Even TV will come today! Very nice stump and Root of the tree Root of tree, root of tree... Always waiting, always waiting. Ogino has a pretty voice. Her face isn't bad either! I wonder? Isn't it strange? They're not so good, all the same overdone expressions. They look so weird. Yeah, like they're praising some country's general. Aren't their expressions just bizarre? Not the kind of face you'd show your boyfriend! And the song is so weird! They dug up some folk song. 'Always waiting' must be waiting for this song to end! You've got that right! Now it's the grass Out on the moor Do you really think that expression is good? You don't have any doubts about those overdone looks? Always waiting Root! That's it! 'I took a good one! ' 'I really love you! ? ' 'I really love you! ? ' Nanahama Cable Television I want to be dancing Romancing A cheerful mood today I want to be dancing Start dancing Leave it all to me That's it That's the way Such pleasant music Want to get Closer to you Being happy and fun Whirling around, dancing Romancing Chance to seize happiness Whirling around, dancing Start dancing Get moving Top of your head Right down to your toes Dance, yeah, let's dance Let's dance That's fine, dance Yeah, let's dance Let's dance That's fine Dance! Nanahama High School Girls Choir! We'll win the Hokkaido contest! Please give us your support! Don't ask! Excuse me... Can we check it before airing? No, sorry. I see... That's too bad, Kasumi. Let's go. Thank you. I really don't want to see it. Funny she's so camera conscious. Kasumi! That was great! Your looks and singing! I was hooked, too. You shot a real close-up! I'd drop her from the choir. Why's that, Kuroki-san? She's jealous. Went to music college but does this job. Ouch! You can't be a choir of one. That's true. Here it is. Thanks! This morning's photo. Already? ! Like it? Like it? This one's good! I've always wanted to get this shot of you singing! That last one's good, too. No way! My face looks like this when I'm singing? ! This one is great! It looks like the face of a salmon laying eggs. Isn't it funny? A salmon laying eggs? ! Makimura, you wanted a funny photo of me? ! It upsets you? Sorry... I didn't intend... Ogino-san, I... 2ND YEAR, B CLASS Student Council Newsletter. Hot off the press! To the nationals! Go for it, Nanahama High! It's Ogino! Right, exactly how she looks! Why is she the model? ! Is Makimura dating her? OK, here are your report cards! Akiyama. Inoue. Ogino. Makimura. Makimura, Junichi. You did well! Thank you. Disgusting. Teacher! Makimura's in bad shape! The newsletter photo was great. Makimura said you look like a salmon laying eggs? How do you know? That's why you slapped him? Are you stupid? Wasn't that unfair? But... Why slap Makimura for shoving reality? You're mad he ignored your glances? Your singing face is weird. But nobody told you. Just like a salmon laying eggs. That's mean. I've always hated you. I feel sick when I see you. Overconfident, conceited about talent and looks, you obviously think you're the best in the world. I'll be going now. Oh yeah, I'll go camping with the Student Council and Makimura. What will you do this summer? Swim upstream somewhere? Have a nice summer. Stop making those things. What's wrong? Grandpa, I'll... quit the choir. Cold better? No choir for a week, you OK? Kaede Basic Guide to Choir Singing I need to consult. Consult? I don't know. I'm not used to such things. My advice may be totally wrong. But you're my advisor. That's true. I am your advisor. I'm quitting. I've lost confidence. How did that happen? I like to sing. But I'm confused about the choir. You like it, but are confused? If you don't understand, I can't either. Actually... If you want to quit, you should just do it. After all, it is your life. You should quit. But really, you should attend choir tomorrow. Afterwards you can tell everyone yourself. Do I have to be on the stage? A final concert is good. It'll be your last chance. 28th Nanahama Festival Chorus Event Thank you. Thank you. Tastes great! 'A bargain! ' 'Extra large.' 'Candy Cane.' Nice place... Ogino's been absent so long, she OK? It's not a cold, she's skipping out. Even she needs rehearsal. To be honest, I think she's just selfish. That's true. Hey, who are those guys? ! Don't exchange glances! Hey! No smoking under 20! You'll get lung cancer! Real cuties! Ouch! The River Why never climbing slopes? Why always flowing Only downward? Sluggish pools Angry swirling swirls River is yearning For the mountain Life is yearning For the steep cliffs Life is yearning For heaven's height Yearning for the mountain And bearing the stones Yearning for heaven's height And bearing the fish Defiantly shaped rock Just like the mountain Fish swimming upstream Bearing with the heavens However It holds true Downward, downward Is the only way The river flows What was that about? ! Sorry... Saying you're sorry explains nothing! Maybe still sick? I'm really sorry. Something wrong? You can tell us... I'm quitting the choir today. Really? ! I told Senuma-san... No! Why? I can't sing on stage. But the regional contest is so soon! Right! We can't appear without you! It's so sudden! You really loved singing! You planned to sing in college! You convinced me to join the choir! What changed? ! I look awful. Look awful? A salmon! My singing face looks like a salmon! Huh? ! Salmon? I don't get it. Choir wannabe and a pianist can't understand! What? ! Mizuki doesn't play because she enjoys it! There's no one else. She really prefers to sing! Kaede, I'm OK. Out of my way! What's with you? ! Ogino-san, you weren't good today. Catch a cold? No photo chances today... I don't have my camera. Leave! I don't want you to see me sing! Sorry, I... Why do you keep ridiculing someone that likes you? Kasumi! Wait! Kasumi! Kasumi! Wait! Wait! What do you want? Sorry to interrupt your chaos. You're the Nanahama Choir? Yes, but... A pleasure! A pleasure! A pleasure... We're the Yunokawa Academy Choir! I'm Kaede Matsumoto, head of the Nanahama Choir. I'm Mizuki Nomura, pianist. She's Kasumi Ogino, soprano part leader. I'm Hiroshi Gondo, choir head. I had the pleasure of seeing the Nanahama performance, and was deeply moved! With profound thanks! Profound thanks! Thanks. I felt as if refreshed by spring breezes... Thank you. The formalities are over, so may I be frank? What? ! Just because you sing OK... is no reason to be conceited! We're not! There's no 'soul'! 'Soul'! We have spirit! Don't get me wrong! Your performance was rather good. But frankly, we would never lose to you! That's right! We wouldn't lose to you! A choir like yours... might be enough to impress the PTA or an NGO, but the ones that will really move the 'audience's heart'... will be us! Right, guys? ! That's right! It's true! You think so? Bearing that in mind, please listen to us sing today. Listen to us! Thanks... Oh, yeah. As for you... Me? ! You should quit the choir. The way you sang that song... defiles it. Night at Age 15 'Marimo' moss ball! Stop that! We don't recognize you as conductor yet. Just look at my scribbled text Or gaze out of the window At the sky above tall buildings To see a dream that never comes I can't handle this feeling Want to smash down its door Hide behind the school to smoke Nowhere to run if caught We squat down and gather As I turn my back away Glaring at the adults That know nothing of each other Tonight my friends are Making plans to leave home In any case I don't want to Go back to school or home Not knowing who I am Uncertain, trembling, Night at age 15 Riding on a stolen bike Not knowing where I'll go The darkness of night Hides me like a curtain Don't want ties to anyone This night of running away Feeling like I'm now free Night at age 15... Aren't they amazing? That rough way of singing... goes right to your heart! Amidst the darkness Shining alone Riding on a stolen bike Not knowing where I'll go The darkness of night Hides me like a curtain... Amazing! Amazing! Singing can convey such strong emotion. Night at Age 15 really moved me. It was good. Thank you! Thank you! You remind me of its singer, Yutaka Ozaki. Really? ! Thank you. And you sing like the pop diva, Ayu. Thank you. Excuse us. Well done. Thank you. Your song really moved me. An honor! An honor! Thanks. We're honored to be praised by a member of Nanahama Choir. Now I'll become more frank, prepare yourself. Don't take choir lightly, you fool! Right... Know why I said to quit choir? I thought you all looked great. We can only sing about... distrust of school, teachers and adults around us, but your group sang praises to a river, which is really 'funky.' That's just the song. Does anyone in my group have the heart to sing praise to a river? I wondered. The answer was 'no.' That's why I think your group is so great. But... with one exception. That exception was you. You didn't praise the river from your heart. You praised with hesitation, which is not a hymn. Your group really sang Ozaki from the heart. We can only sing songs that move us. It's an insult to the 'audience' to sing without feeling. Hey, you know what's most important in singing? The correct key and vocalization... Also, a big, natural smile... Fool! What's important in singing isn't 'technical' stuff! What's most important is to be... full monty! Full monty? Right, full monty. Excuse me, but I'm a girl... A 'metaphor'! 'Metaphor'! Expose your whole heart! A 'metapho'? Right. We'll never lose to someone afraid of expressions. Afraid? Gondo-san... Yes? Someone I like said my face looks weird when I sing. That made me afraid to sing. Don't cry! Look! A pro baseball card. I treasure it. Kazuhiro Kiyohara. Face looks weird. Right. But you have to try this hard or you can't win. If you worry about your face when doing your utmost, you'll amount to nothing. From now on, what I say will all be eternal truths, so keep them in the 'memory' of your 'diary.' Become a full monty and sing with your all! Don't think of others during 'performance', be transcendent. Be transcendent? It'll reach the 'soul' of the 'audience.' Move them with song... Shout it! "I am full monty!" I am full monty... I can't hear you! I am full monty! You're in a choir? ! I am full monty! Good, that's Nanahama High! I am full monty! I am full monty! I am full monty! I am full monty! I am full monty! I am full monty! I am full monty! Gondo-san... Why did you start choir? Me? I encountered a goddess one day. Goddess? The female Ozaki of the Daimon-Ginza district. A street musician in the area. Female Ozaki? ! Autumn, three years ago. As usual, I fought with my dad, and to calm myself down, I went to punch out some loser guys in that area. In this noisy place You stand in the street Looking so small Afraid of the cold A crybaby girl Street corner love song Singing softly Showed me A slight smile Moved your chilled body Close to mine And asked for a little kiss Oh My Little Girl Let me warm you Oh My Little Girl I love you so much Oh My Little Girl Two in twilight, walking so closely For all time, for all time We'll remain together. This is my final concert. Thank you so much. Don't quit! Keep on singing! What was that song? Oh My Little Girl. I'm trembling. Whose song is it? Yutaka Ozaki. Out of the way. Tell me your name. Yuko. Yuko. How's it written? Here... please write your name on this. Yuko I entered high school, and wanted to sing Ozaki with her 'soulful' sound. My 'soulmates' agreed to join me and form a choir. Singing Ozaki with 20 is more forceful than alone. So, that's how... What's that singer doing now? I haven't seen her on the street again. But I'm sure she's still singing. I believe that. Bye, rival! See you at the Hokkaido contest! Huh? ! Yunokawa Academy's competing? Yeah! We look forward to it! Thank you, Gondo-san! Grandpa, I want to sing. I want to sing! Since I was a child, people have praised my singing. I've always thought, "pay attention to my pretty voice," and "my voice is amazing," so I kept on singing. My singing was self-centered. I knew that. That's why your teacher made you part leader. Maybe because she wanted you to notice it. You want to stand out, so making you part leader was hard to understand. Until now, I didn't realize what... the teacher's intention was. But, Ogino-san, you can always stand alone and sing. You should treasure this chance now to sing with your peers. Goodness! Welcome back, Kasumi. But I'm excluding you. Kasumi, you'll be page-turner. Takita will be alternate part leader. But, page-turner... Kaede... OK. Let's practice parts. Positions! Yes. Why never climbing slopes? Why always flowing Only downward? Yunokawa will be in Hokkaido. Don't let them win! Now, next verse! Everyone gather. Our song for the contest is decided. Bluebird Open up your wings That's... Why sing so simply? I keep telling you. We are full monty! We are full monty! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Right. Somewhere in the world right now The color of the sunrise To the heart, to the heart Open up your wings, that's... Hold on, wasn't the rhythm a bit off? One more time. 1, 2, 3. To the heart, to the heart Open up your wings, that's... Sakurako, Yuki, Saori... It's a triplet. Look, the 'open up' part is a triplet. That means you have to emphasize each note. Not 'open up', 'o-pen-up.' The first time. The first time you've taught with passion. It's always been hard to ask you, so we've asked Takita. Really? I didn't act as a mentor at all. That's true. Sorry. Your solo at the new student welcome party, impressed me so much I joined the choir. So I'm glad you're teaching us. She's coming. So annoying. She'll hear. I want her to hear. You want to say something to me? Go ahead. You've been made page-turner? So what? Ogino-san, Makimura and I are dating. If you have something to say, go ahead. Congratulations. Hey... Don't give up if you make mistakes. All-member rehearsal! Sing it as one. Keep your eyes up. Kasumi, not there. Kaede, I don't need her. Why not? I've memorized the score. It's enough that I won't sing. Kasumi, go back. Mizuki... Welcome back! Thank you. Let's begin! Free choice, "Bluebird." From the top. Here goes, 'eight'! I win. The Art of Enoken It is twilight And I look up At my Blue Heaven It is twilight It is twilight It is twilight... It is twilight And I look up At my Blue Heaven It is twilight And I follow The narrow road home It's rather small But is my fun home It glows with love That's shining in It is beloved My dear home My Blue Heaven. What's with her? ! Aoyagi-san hates me. Still has a grudge? It's since primary school! That's true. Huh? ! What is? You serious? You really forgot? Yeah... Since 'Funiculi.' That? ! That's why? ! Let's go, let's go, let's go Fire Mountain Let's go, let's go, let's go Mountain top Funiculi funicula Funiculi funicula All aboard Funiculi funicular You're lousy! Be quiet! Aoyagi-san, sing the next. Stop that crying! I don't want to go to Fire Mountain with Aoyagi! You'll be called 'funiculi funicula' from now on! Funiculi! Funicula! You boys be quiet! Everyone stop laughing. Aoyagi-san? Can someone sing next instead of her? Yes! OK, Ogino-san. Go ahead. And go. Let's go, let's go Fire Mountain Let's go, let's go Fire Mountain Funiculi funicula Funiculi funicula All aboard Funiculi funicular... Back then, I had nothing against you. I didn't mean to hurt you. What? Don't pretend to be innocent. Did you think about how I felt being called 'funicula'? ! How it feels to hate school during singing tests? You're right. I didn't think about your feelings at all. Being laughed at. Being left out of practice, I finally understand. I know it's too late. It's OK to keep hating me. But I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry. It's way too late, stupid. Hey... Before, I said I was dating Makimura. That... was a lie. Laugh if you want. I won't laugh. Do as you like. Rena! National contest regional finals are next week. Please come and watch. Look, a good luck charm. Thanks! What? ! They're reversed! I want you to be like a powerful salmon. It's best when you open your... large mouth wide to laugh and sing. Grandpa... Understand? Good. Enter the hall in formation! 61st National Choir Contest Hokkaido Preliminary Nanahama High School Girls Choir. First to the change room, then the rehearsal room. Only 12 minutes for rehearsal, so do your best! Oh, afternoon! Good afternoon. No monitor check today? Let's proceed. Go in two rows from here. Kasumi! Kasumi! Good afternoon! They're good. True. The level's high this year. What will we do? ! They're doing roll-call now! Ogino-san... I knew it, I can't perform! Everyone watches the stage. Lots of people. Give me your hands. Come on. It's our good luck charm. Take it in. 'Dai-Jo-Bu.' "We'll do it!" We'll do it! Kasumi! Yunokawa can't perform! Why not? ! The sponsor just decided they have to change their clothes and hair. Well? They refused. We're meeting, idiot! Where's Gondo? Don't barge in! It's you? Excuse me. The Nanahama members? You won't perform? Yeah. They don't like our clothes and hair. Said to change to summer outfits. We don't need this lousy contest! I'll show them! Calm down! Gondo-san. Now I'll become more frank, prepare yourself. What? What you told me before. What's most important is to be full monty. Full monty? ! You said not to worry about appearance or you'll fail. Are clothes and hairstyles needed for full monty? ! You're guys, perform naked with shaved heads! Didn't you want to beat us? ! Not man enough to compete? ! Compete with Nanahama! What? ! There! Excuse me, excuse me... Who the hell are you? ! Yuko-san? It's been so long! Remember me? She's my goddess! I've been practicing so long with this score! Yunokawa Choir tenor part leader, Onizuka! Yo! Same choir, bass part leader, Kusakari. Same choir, baritone part leader, Kuroyanagi. Piano accompaniment, Naoki. You're splendid! Let's all do our best today. How long until our turn? Twenty minutes! Good, let's go! Go where? 'Follow me! ' Let's go! The Yunokawa Academy High School Choir. For Me To Stay As I Am. No real contact In my sad life So I heave A deep sigh But what I see before me Is this town where I'll always Have no choice But to remain When hurting others We pretend not to see but When expressing kindness Everyone will get hurt For me to stay as I am... Waiting Room Today was your best performance ever! Save this one! Ogino-san! Makimura? I need to talk to you. Just two minutes. I didn't know you'd be so hurt. I've gotten over it. I thought you looked cute singing like that. Your face full of expression. But, somehow I told you that it looked funny. Even though I liked you so much. Sorry to say it now. Do me a favor. Photograph me again, singing. OK. For me to stay as I am I have no choice but To stay on my feet Until I know in my heart What is really right Overwhelmed by the city As I open my heart a bit To this cold town's wind I'll keep on singing Good job. Yunokawa already sang? I have some happy news to tell all of you. Your teacher, Fujiwara, gave birth to a baby girl. I was just a substitute during her maternity, but want to say in leaving, everyone, enjoy it from your heart. Yes! Let's give it our all! Let's go! Let's go. Next is the performance of Nanahama High School Choir. Nanahama High School has appeared 11 times in the national contest. Their aim in this year's regional preliminary is to sing to your hearts. They're trying for their 12th national contest! Welcome Nanahama High School. Program 13, Nanahama High School Girls Choir. Bluebird. When our eyes meet I can't Say it well I can't find the right words that Pound my heart Every second that I gaze upon Your profile Deep within my eyes I call Your name again Within the seasons passing... She's improved. Really? That showy style is totally gone. That's the bluebird Since it smiles so near to me... Does Kasumi look so happy because she's in love? Be quiet! One more time Until we meet again People always want too much And what do they lose instead? If the breeze Chasing flighty clouds Combine as one In forgiveness Revolve these stars Surely The bluebird Will soon be found by anyone... Aren't they great? It's like they've opened up. We can't say anything bad about this. That's a bore. If there's something you must do, it's great. Someday the whole world's sky Will be for my travels One more time Until we meet again Surely the dream I had that day Will be there once again. On that day, I received my first standing ovation. But what made me most happy wasn't the standing ovation, or even winning and going on to the national contest, but the miracle during encore. Special Award: Yunokawa To Finals! As usual, the winning school will perform an encore. The song is "To You". Please begin. When I was treated Kindly by you I really knew Just how small I am Feeling ashamed of My heart doubting you I'll truly trust Really from the heart Among the days that Are passing by There are so many Things that will change Only one thing Will be unchanged My feeling for you Will never change Please don't cry My true love Let's feel the joy That comes with worry For I know that Double the worry Is how much You mean to me See, even better Than it was before Finding you In my arms I just want to Meet with you, meet with you I just want to Meet with you, meet with you Sleepless night I met you in my dream Thinking of you so much That I couldn't sleep Together in my dream Where will we go? As long as you're there Anywhere's fine I just want to Meet with you, meet with you I just want to Meet with you, meet with you Days pass by and The seasons will change Flowers bloom and scatter It all starts again In such a world Who can I trust? Perhaps you'd like to Go hand in hand? I just want to Meet with you, meet with you... I just want to Meet with you, meet with you... I just want to Meet with you, meet with you... I just want to Meet with you, meet with you... So this is harmony! Singing in unison feels this good! THE DAWN SHORE Hello. - I'm to take photos. - Yes, I know. Follow me. Sorry, I'm late. - Come sit down. - No, thanks, I've already eaten. Come, anyway. But could I see where I'm doing the photos? Sure, do what you like. Have coffee with us when you've finished. OK. We can do the photos anywhere. It doesn't matter. Why say that? You'll annoy him. It's probably important to him. I said it to put him at his ease. I bet he's never photographed a star before. I'm not a star. I'm an actress. - Here? - Yes. Well, I don't know. I thought... it was better. It'll take a while, right? Maybe I should tell them to go. Maybe it's better to tell them to go. Well, I have to get down to work now. You're going to work? A few photos of you in your apron in the kitchen! - Thanks for coming. - We said we'd go out after. Tomorrow, if you like. See you tomorrow. They've gone now. - They weren't too annoyed? - No. - Will you stand there? - Here? No, here's good. Just measuring. No, it's no good. I don't feel good. Do you want to take five? Can you do it tomorrow? Tomorrow, sure I can. - I'll think of place. - Alright. - Call me tonight, OK? - I'll be going, then. Thank you. Hello, sir. There should be a booking in the name of Weissman. Hello, sir. - Is this the place for the photos? - Yes. - It's better here, isn't it? - Yes. Where do you want me? I wanted to use the terrace, but it'll rain. Can you... try the bed? I mean, sit on the bed. What was it? 6.4 Doesn't your husband ever come? He came once since we got married. Six months ago. He's in Hollywood. He works hard. It's all he can do. Do you miss him? You think so? I don't think anything... I mean, as... man and wife, sometimes you can... - You know. - We got married on impulse. I must've wanted to. I often do stupid things, you know. You do stupid things? Such as? I don't want to do any now, or to talk about it. Not like that. I want to. Francois, not like that. I don't want to. I'm entitled to... Listen... Go away. Go away! Hang on... Carole... Don't take this as a betrayal. Ethan wants me to do this film for him. I can't say no after all he's done for me. It's only eight weeks. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Why don't you join me in Hollywood? I miss you, Carole. When I married you a few months ago, you said: "To live together, we have to make concessions" Remember? Think it over. You hold all the cards for our future. I love you, Carole. I'm thinking of you a lot... Especially at night. Yours, Ed. The day... the last concentration camp survivor dies... World War III will start. You're my love. I wonder what'll happen when your husband comes home. I don't know. He may not stay, you know. Even if he does... Won't you be joining him in Hollywood? Have you had enough of me? You're totally crazy. If you've had enough, say so. It doesn't matter. No-one will die. Yes, but you know, now... I think I love you. - You think so? - No. I'm sure. What do you know? You say that cause we're good in bed. But that's not love. If I were sick, would you still love me? What if my hair fell out? Or my teeth fell out? Would you still love me? What if I went crazy? What if I were crazy? Stop it. Listen... you mustn't say you love me. We mustn't say we love each other. All right? Because we don't know. We're living it, that's all. Let's enjoy it while it lasts. The day it's over... Pop! We'll disappear like a bubble bursting in mid-air. Shouldn't breakups be as beautiful as the start? Breakups are never pretty There's always one person who leaves and the other who's left to cry. I'm not so sure. When a couple is very strong... so strong that they become one entity... When it's over, it's like this entity disappears. And no-one? s left behind to cry. What about us? We carry on, apart, and forget it all. That would be great, but that's not how it happens. Maybe that's how it'll happen. I can feel it. I swear, I feel it deep inside. That's sad, Francois. Are you abandoning me? I leave first thing tomorrow. I have to pack. I must go to London to meet a director. Where? London. I need to sleep to feel on form. One week later. Dammit. Yeah, look. I can't work. You can see I can't. So, I can't work. - So what? - I can't work without the sun! I have to give in my photos. I can't do a thing now. Don't you have enough already? No, and it's not the quantity that counts, you know that. You don't respect my work. - You don't. - I do, but I couldn't help it. Why couldn't you? You knew we'd arranged to meet. I threw myself under a metro. There. Happy now? That's not true. Yes, it is. My love... It doesn't matter, my love. But it was two years ago. You jerk! You god dam jerk! I had no excuse, I had to think of something. I've missed you, you idiot. Will you love me forever? Will you love me forever? Much longer still. Eat up. How did it go in London? What do you mean? Did you get the part? Oh, the part, yes. It's not being made yet. But you got it? That's great. That's what counts. That's what counts. - It's not good? - It is. I'll show you. I'll do it this time. Hi. I didn't have your number. Well, here I am. - Who's that? - A photographer. Can we hook up later on? I'm working all night tonight. I can't. - Introduce me. - No. - I'll go see him. - No. I said it's not possible. - I'll call you. - You do that. Bye. - What? - I didn't say anything. Coming? Funny, I think you look like that guy. There's a family resemblance. I worked with him. I don't know what he wants. - Is that right? - Yeah, that's right. He's a French actor I met in London. He lost my phone number. You must know him pretty well... for him to turn up here this late. You think I slept with him? I don't know what you do when I'm not there. Carole... If you don't even trust me, I'm all alone. I didn't mean to hurt you, Carole. Forgive me. Coffee? Want some? . Yes, please. Here. You have enough photos now? What is it? Don't sulk. I hate it when she does that. I don't care what Carole does. In her love life. No, I meant her drinking. Yeah... Know the law of windshield wipers? No.. Look, it's what love is like. When one gets near, the other moves away. When the other one comes back, the first one moves away. The law of windshield wipers. Some go like this... That's friendship. The second wiper law. I'm unable to talk to Albert. But it's OK... - Excuse me, could I have an autograph? - Sure. - What's your name? - Sebastian. - There you are. - Thank you. Bye. He pushed me out of the way! Look. See that guy? - Where? - There. He's a cop. I don't like cops. Yes. I'm being watched. Why's that? I told you, I give money to people. Know what? I agree with you. Down with fascism and up the revolution. Stop drinking. Look at you. Well, well... It's Colette. She has a key. What time is it? Shit, it's 4 PM! It's him! Nightmare! Where can I go? The living room. We'll use the corridor. Honey, it's you... Who else? - Where's your key? - I forgot it. - Not too tired? - Exhausted. - You OK? - I was asleep. Let's go to bed. He's gone. Call me when you get this. I want to see you. Come. I need you. Right away. Francois. I know you know how much I need you, because it hurts me so much, you must feel it. You want to punish me? What for? For getting married before I met you? Francois, I've been so hurt. You had your revenge, you can come back. You must come back. You know it as well as I do. Carole... Can you hear me? I'll always be near you now, because I protect you. What's wrong? What are you writing? You have, like, the perfect body. Oh, not that you don't. Oh, no. No, no. I realize that your bodies are different, And maybe that would mean that I think that your body is imperfect, but that is not the case. No. No, no. Far, far, far from it. That, uh... That is a sweet, uh... Which is to say, I mean, it would be impossible for me to choose which of you... Rest assured, you're never going to have to. Aw, if we'd kept quiet, I bet he would have gone on like that forever. Okay, I'm sorry. What I mean is that you have... Rodney! Stay on topic. Right. Right. Okay, uh... Right, where was I? Uh... All right, look... If we can get this rod up there, attach the rope to it, it'll lay across the hole, support our weight. We won't have to worry about the soil. You were barely able to get the grappling hook up there. Barely? Were you not watching? It's just that it's a lot heavier than that. So... A detonator. I need a detonator. We should place the detonator at the bottom of the tube. Okay. Now. We have to seal the bottom of the tube around the gas leak, like so. All right. So... Put the wadding and the rod into the barrel. And then, gently create a seal. We don't want to pack it too tight, otherwise we've got ourselves a pipe bomb. But, if we play it right, our very own cannon: - You really think this is going to work? - It should. You can build a cannon just like that? Please, we got access to pressurized gas. This is a cinch. You should have seen my grade six science project, actually had to... Rodney. Right. Okay, yeah. All right, so... McKAY: Ready? All right. Okay. And are we ready? Ready. Fire in the hole. Nice aim! Nice cannon. That went really far. Uh, McKay! You should stop. There's too much dirt coming in. - The room's going to get too heavy. - McKAY: I've almost got it! Jennifer! I'm down here! Rodney, don't let go! Rodney, don't let go! - Rodney? - Sam, I can't hold it. Yes, you can! No, no, I've never been good at holding heavy things. I had an old lady's grocery cart when I was in college. That's one of the reasons I didn't date as much as I should have. Stay focused! You need to pull her up. Oh, really? I was just getting used to the idea of not letting go. She can't just hang there forever, Rodney. Well, help me! Rodney, I can't help you. I can't even stand up. You going to have to pull her up on your own. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't pull me up! What? Why? - I see light! - No, no, no, no! Don't go towards the light. You want to stay in the land of the living! No, daylight. There's a mineshaft down here, I see daylight! Of course, just like the ones on the other side of the mine. We should have thought of that! Okay, guys, what do you want me to do? What do I do? Lower me. Lower you? It's about 10 feet away. I just need to swing over. What if the mineshaft is harder to get out of than this chamber? We already lost our exit, Rodney. I'll take my chances! Just lower me, I can't hold on forever. You and me both. - Okay, good, stop. - Gladly. You're doing great, Rodney! You're doing just great. No, great is the beach with a fiber-optic hook-up. This? This is complete agony! I made it! You could have warned me. This thing leads straight out. It's a nice, steady slope! Come on, you guys got to get down here! You go. What? No way. There's no way I'm going to be able to lower myself. You won't have to. I'll lower you. Rodney, your hands. Look, I'm not leaving you behind. Come on, I'll make you a seat. Okay, that's good. Stop! Stopping! Okay. Almost there! Just give me a few more feet of slack! Okay, I got her! - You're up, McKay! - Oh, great. Great, because you know what I was just thinking what would be awesome? Would be more physical exertion. Come on now, start swinging. Rodney, you have to use your body and start swinging. Come on, you're so close. No. Used everything I got to get this far. So that's it then, you're quitting? You're just gonna die there on the rope? No. No, I'm just taking a little rest. You know, I'm like a real-life action star, kind of. What? You know, shooting guns, running around, saving people. You'd think this would be easy for me now. You think I'd be, like, super buff by now. Okay, come on, Schwarzenegger, start swinging. Just a second more. Okay, break's over. That was close. Correction. That was close. Yeah. Okay, come on. You need to help me. Looks good. Okay, thank you. How's Sam? She's going to be okay. It's a clean break, so they're resetting it and putting her into a cast. Which means she's going to be on crutches for a few weeks or so, but... Thank you. She's going to be fine. How you doing? I'd like to take a bath in whatever magical ointment they just put on my hands 'cause they are the only thing that doesn't hurt. It's not going to scar, is it? - Chicks dig scars. - Not the chicks I dig. You're going to be fine. - Thanks, by the way. - For what? You saved my life. - Lf you had let go... - You're welcome. Right, well, I'm going back to my room, curling up in the fetal position and sleeping for the next three days. Oh, well, not quite yet. - Hmm? - You owe me a beer from the bar trick thing earlier. You couldn't figure it out, so... There was no time! I would've figured it out. Yeah, well, eventually, I mean, chimps would have been able to figure it out, but the thing is, you didn't, so I win and you owe me a beer. I don't remember ever agreeing to the beer. - McKay. - What? Do you want to have a drink with me, or not? Oh, you want to have a drink? God, you're not very good at this, are you? Uh, no. No, I'm not. Come on. [�a�er shredder shredding] [shredd�ng] [to�let flushing] [Man] Honey , I need more . [shredd�ng] Th�s �s gonna take all n�ght. Want a sandwich? Maybe later. Okay . [gas h�sses] Hey . Baby , where are the road snacks? - We gotta go . - Have you seen my gU�tar? Mom? You're having a bad dream ' baby . No shit. We're gonna have to have a conVersat�on about your language . Yeah . That's clearly the b�ggest problem we're having ton�ght. Go back to bed . - Mom! - Now! [roar�ng] [shredd�ng] [zips up bag] - Whew . - [shredding] - Okay . - [dog barks] Qu�et. Quiet, rufus . [growling, bark�ng] [bark�ng cont�nUes] Guess what I got for you! Yummy ' yummy! Shh! Ooh! Look what I got ya! [bark�ng stops] Cat. Oh! Good! There we go . Nice Rufus. Good dog . See ya later. [Woman on pol�ce rad�o] Attention all units. Arrest authorized . Move in now . - You set? - l'm good . [Woman] I have this theory. Cr�me �s contag�ous. It's l�ke it can just k�nda get in the a�r' and �t- - People can catch it from each other. And when they catch it, they change . And then they change ... other �eo�le . The truth is we're all ca�able of anyth�ng . We don't want to bel�eve �t's true ' but �t �s. I realized it for the first time at M�ndy and Bryce Arbogast's 4th of July �arty. There you are! - H� . - l knew you'd come! Sorry I'm late . Oh ' my God . I want you to now I forg�Ve you . - What for? - Don's okay? He's- - He's great. We're fine . We're fine. Hey , listen ' l know you qU�t the club ' but �f Don wants to play , have him call me . Oh ' l--l'm sure he w�ll ' but, you know , he's got a whole bunch of b�g �nterv�ews kind of lined u� , and-- - �eah . - Does he? Uh-huh . Oh ' it's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. You're gonna be great! - Now-- - �eah. about the realtor. I am okay about Coldwell . They're big, �t makes sense . But I would've cut my comm�ss�on . - Mindy-- - So just tell- - What? Oh ' my God . Bridget, I am so sorry . It's not even listed yet. I'm sure Don was gonna tell you . �o tell you the truth' I don't really blame her. I got downs�zed . [chuckles] You're sell�ng our house? I'm no longer the breadw�nner. I don't bring home the bacon . I �roduce no green . �ou just- - �ou want to talk about th�s, sweet�e? Why on earth would I want to talk about �t? It's over. - What �s over? - EVeryth�ng . - No . - Our l�Ves! Don , for God sakes! You are going to f�nd that job . It's been over a year. I haVe tr�ed everything I know how to try ' and I have failed ' all right? No ' no , no ' no! No , you d�d not fa�l , Don . No! I refuse to bel�eVe that! Those stup�d mult�nat�onal corporat�ons merged you out of a job! So ' sweetie , you got fa�led on! Really? �oU know , I am so far �ast stat�stiCal comfort. Look at this! We are $286 '000 in debt. - What? - l wasn't k�dd�ng . It's over. Honey , why d�dn't you tell me? We could have sto��ed . What? Eating' dr�Ving, liv�ng our lives? We could live on less. Lots of �eo�le live on less. Absolutely . And Soon , we'll be l�Ving w�th them . You know ' hear�ng their Vo�ces �n the hallways, smelling the�r cook�ng . But' hey ' at least we got our health . Of course , we don't have health �nsurance , so �f you need an X-ray , I sell a k�dney . We'll do someth�ng . We'll think outs�de the box. Well ' that's good ' because we're selling the box and we're moving into a smaller box, and soon that box will be so small , it's the one they �ut us �n the ground with . We'll get jobs, any jobs ' both of us' and we're gonna make our �ayments unt�l this economy gets better' Don . Yeah , well , good luck, Br�dget. You've been out of the workforce for some t�me. Well ' l've ra�sed two ch�ldren and made a home . My daughter �s a clin�cal researcher, and my son �s a systems analyst' and my husband �s, uh , well ... on the sofa right now. Your degree �s in com�arat�Ve literature . Yes. Sort of a slow sector of the economy right now . And your ty�ing is sUb-standard . Are you prof�cient on any k�nd of software? I'm good at Google . Look, the truth �s �eo�le your age in the workforce are generally cons�dered ... real pains �n the ass. Are you aware that statement �s discr�m�natory and �llegal? See? And you don't even work for me . A drug test? What k�nd of drugs would I haVe to take? Hello? [sighs] How old am I? No , I haven't worked �n a hotel . I've enjoyed some wonderful t�mes at hotels. Not yours. As a waitress' would-- would I get benef�ts? [woman laughs] I don't th�nk that's funny . Of course I understand about outsourcing . Yes. suppose I was w�ll�ng to move to lnd�a . - [knock on door] - [sighs] Sel�na. H� . - What are you do�ng here? - Your check bounced . That's the third one . Oh ' God ' l'm sorry . I've cleaned your house . You owe me the money . Of course . Honestly ' Sel�na' l don't really have the money right now' but as soon as we do-- and in the meantime ' if you need any kind of references-- l want cash . I want cash , too . ObV�ously , I don't really have any cash . I did the work. �ou owe me the money . How about I come clean your house for three weeks and we call �t even? My house �s already clean . Ah! That's yours . Enjoy . Okay? Qh' God. Don't you know how to do anyth�ng? We need benef�ts. I know some �lace . It's work like mine' but they have benef�ts. Why don't you do �t? They won't hire peo�le with a cr�m�nal record . You have a cr�m�nal record? Arson . Long story . Tell me about the job . I d�dn't even know what the Federal reserve Bank does before I came to work here . Well , they set �nterest rates and they hold extra cash from all the other banks for safekeep�ng. Yeah--No , l--l asked my husband . Now that could be your saV�ngs account right there . I don't th�nk so . It has money �n �t. [laughs] Oh , we're running a little bit beh�nd today . And don't think they won't not�ce . Oh ' they tell you �t's for security ' but meanwhile ' the guys �n the t�es are keep�ng track of how many times a day we need a goddamn �ee . Ha! This place �s l�ke a Las Vegas casino . No w�ndows, no �r�Vacy , and a sh�tload of money all around here . �he only d�fference is nobody here ever has any fun . [Man on rad�o] Okay , 1 2. I'm shift�ng to the east Vault. Now , kee� your head down in here . You know what I mean? [radio chatter continues] And don't spray directly on the mon�tors. The secret here: Don't want anyth�ng . Don't even th�nk about wanting it. What you can think about, what you can want... is your job . I do , yes. �es' s�r, I do . l-- l am think�ng about want�ng ... thejob! That's what I'm th�nking about want�ng , s�r. Thank yoU so much for hel��ng me . [buzzer] Whoo! Check this out! How you do�ng' Nina? Not bad . New g�rl . Hey . Hard to watch' huh? Worn out. We get the new bills from the m�nt. There goes your car payment. Oops! That's a new sofa . Get the one by the desk there . [shredd�ng] ln . Whoa . Let's go! It may not seem l�ke much ' but I do feel l�ke , �n our own way , we do someth�ng k�nda �m�ortant here . Oh. Qh! Oh' God' no! [groans] How's it go�ng? [groans] God . [cell phone r�ngs] Hello? - Bridget! - M�ndy . - H�! - There you are . I was just th�nk�ng about you actually . We've got to talk. M�ndy , you know what? I'm out to d�nner right now Oh ' sorry' I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll call you back. I would love to do lunch . Lunch? Great. Tomorrow? Well , not tomorrow . But how about, um ... this weekend maybe? That would be wonderful. Anyway ... bye. - Bye . - Bye . [door closes] [Don] Hey . How'd �t go? Oh. Honey . You wanna talk about it? You remember that Frontline we saw on �hird World slave labor? Yeah . Then I don't have to talk about it. Oh! Don ! Don ! Don! You wanna know what she told me? How the whole th�ng got started? Oh. Looks l�ke we're gonna need a new one of these. Let me Show ya. �ou see? �ou broke �t right there . She went sho���ng . [Man] There's something about stuff... that's on display . See ' even if you'Ve got the same stuff, they way they lay it out makes you want. Want�ng �s the root of all ... need�ng stuft. [Man] I'll tell you what. They say money can't buy ha���ness ' but �t sure as hell buys eVeryth�ng else . [N�na] That's what she said she was doing when she got the whole �dea . Just sho���ng . Be�ng a good Amer�can . [Br�dget] Do you ever really think about money? People th�nk that they think about money all the time . But how often do we really look at the actual physical cash? Once you start to really think about money' you realize this stuff gets touched a lot. Who had it before you? And what did they do with it? It gets put �n places you may not wanna know about. - When you really stop and think about �t-- - [sneezes] money is actually �retty disgusting. Well ' l mean' we're a consumer society' aren't we? She got consumed . We reCe�ve currency from over a thousand banks �n the Tenth Distr�ct' which arrives here and enters a totally secure environment. Ut�l�ty rooms, work rooms, lunchroom , lockers' sta�rs ' elevators. Everyone , everywhere , every m�nUte . Cash sorted . We f�nd one of only three keys in the ent�re system that w�ll o�en a Cash cart. The �reasury Department ins�ect�on room , where the second key is held by Agent Wayne here ' decorated 30-year veteran of the Secret SerVice-- Lost a tooth tak�ng down Squeaky Fromme . [cl�cks tongue] Nighttime . The key �s locked up in my secur�ty office . The final ste� of the process' the shredd�ng room . And here'S the th�rd key wired to the system . And that's all she wrote. After th�s, there's noth�ng left to steal . Oh ' this �s good . [Mindy ' outside] Okey-dokey . Here we go . Okay . Good enough . Thank yoU so much ' Don . I'm gonna take care of you . It'll be gone in no t�me . [M�ndy] My best to Br�dget. [taps on keyboard] Oh ' l'm sorry . Excuse me , but �t looks l�ke you m�ght have dro��ed some money . No , that's not m�ne . Really? Money? I guess I ought to turn �t into the office ' though , huh? Oh. Right. [groans] He's a big fat no . ♪♪ [music �laying in headphones] Oh' she's so in love with me . - l got th�s. - Okay . Oh ' l got �t. Hey , beaUt�fUl . �ou know' you got me so cuckoo for your... CocoaPuffs. You hear me , baby? [laughs] �ou know what I th�nk of when somebody calls me "baby"? Okay , tell me �n my good ear. I th�nk of years of slee� depr�Vation . Oh. Mmm. Sp�t-u� on the shoulder of my last clean sh�rt. Diarrhea �n a d�a�er, the green kind . See ' now that's the �mage you just left �n my mind . Now what do you want? Nothing , N�na . �ou have a good evening . Fool . Hey , call me . What? You got to howl at the b�tches, dawg. The woman's a working mother' Shaun . So? I'm not your dawg . More for me. [howls] Oh ' boy . �ou want to Car�ool tomorrow? Huh? Oh. Uh ... can I ask you something? Excuse me? Are you ever tem�ted? What' him? You find that appeal�ng? - ECCh . - No ' no . �ou th�nk what I want after along day on my feet is to l�e down under some sk�nny kid for three m�nutes of pUsh-u�s? No , that's not what I'm talking about. I got around plenty �n my �arty g�rl days, but I got k�ds now . No , no , I meant... Don't you ever get tem�ted to just sl�� a cou�le hundreds into your pocket? Okay , I knew you d�dn't look like a jan�tor. Huh? What do you mean? Boy , they are good . Those guys are sneaky' l'll g�Ve 'em that. What? �ou think I'm a weasel? Or like a moll th�ng? No . I'm ser�oUs. I'm ask�ng . Just once? ever? is that what you being here is all about? Look, nobody ' not once , has ever beaten the system in ' l�ke , a hundred years . So what are you ' Some kinda l�ke su�er genius or someth�ng? No . That's what'S so funny . It's just staring you in the face . You only have to see it. And you don't think they'Ve seen �t? - No . - Why? Because they don't empty the trash . - What? - No. Uh-uh. leave me alone. [chattering] [Boy] Here , Mom . �oU need to sign th�s for school . [Nina] What �s �t? It's a list of wea�ons we're not allowed to bring . L�ke there's some wea�onS you are allowed to br�ng? You just have to sign that you understand . Oh , I understand . I just don't understand . [�hone r�ngs] Hello? You don't want the money? I don't wanna go crazy , and that's what makes everybody crazy . Everybody always wants everything. I don't want things I can't have . Do you live �n America? [bee�] Hey ' Mom ' we got a wh�te woman outs�de . What's she do�ng? Just stand�ng there . She's our new lawn ornament. Well , she's com�ng . [doorbell r�ngs] - Find someone else . - l can't. It only works w�th you �n the shredd�ng room and someone from carts. It m�ght not even work then . Maybe I'm crazy . �ou tell me . Okay . All r�ght. D�d you do someth�ng wrong at school today? - No. �ou? - Not w�th a lock. How d�d you get this? The same as the Fed does. Master Lock Com�any , ma�l order. Com�letely legal . - The key won't f�t. - No' it won't. The Fed resets the cyl�nders and makes their own keys. Just th�nk about �t. I'm not gonna think about it. Oh ' okay . That's a good �dea . Don't think about it. I won't. Great. Great. Whatever you do , don't th�nk about �t. What u� , Miss Da�sy? ♪♪ [rap playing on car radio] [door buzzer] [door o�ens] [door closes] I haVe k�ds! Yeah ' well , so do I ! My husband and I after all these years are st�ll pay�ng off-- l'm not talking about your u��er middle-Class �roblems. I'm a s�ngle mom . If th�s thing goes bad , I lose my ch�ldren . - Oh . - Uh-hUh . Now �f that ha��ens, I w�ll kill you . You scared of me? Yeah . Good . Now , who do we get from carts? ♪♪ [rock] Somebody �s def�n�tely �eeing in her cup . ♪♪ [music �laying in headphones] Um ... Here , let me get that for you . Here you go . What on earth? - Here. - Thanks. There you go . Okay , then . Well , we're not looking for a G�rl scout. Well , we d�dn't f�nd one . When I was 9 years old , I found out that every day for the rest of my l�fe ' l would be st�ck�ng myself w�th a needle . Early onset diabetes. ♪♪ [blues] Okay . - l'm �n. - �oU're in . Let's do �t. - What? - That's it? You don't want to th�nk about �t? What's there to th�nk about? The ... consequenCes. No�e . I'm down . When do we go? Well , I don't know . I mean ' obv�oUsly ' we have to review the plan . Well ' l got the �lan . Do you got the �lan? Do you have the lock? Yeah . So why not? "Why not" Seems l�ke a really bad reason to do someth�ng ' don't you th�nk? Why? Okay . Why not? All r�ght. We need a "go" code . Okay , I'm sorry , but a "go" code? I don't think we want to be walk�ng around the Fed saying "Let's rob the Fed today at work," r�ght? No , you �robably don't want to be say�ng that. - There you go . - Oo�s. Thanks. Okay . We need a code word like ' um-- - Um' like-- - L�ftoff. Yeah . L�ftoff. - That comes u� really easy in conversation . - R�ght. 'Cause you don't want �t to be someth�ng you could say acc�dentally . You know , like ' if our "go" code was "hot" , and I saw you and I said , "Hey , Nina' you look really hot today ," and then you go and you start steal�ng money ' that could be a problem . The last time somebody told me I looked hot was about seven years n�ne months ago . And I don't want to hear it aga�n . It's been seven years s�nce you had sex? All r�ght. Can we just �lease focus for a m�nUte? I th�nk that the s�gnal should be ... a gesture , basically . How about Something that doesn't get us into some sort of an �ncident? How about something more l�ke ... um, I don't know' like th�s? See? Right. Works for me. Yeah . Mm-hmm. So ... that'sit'then. We're good to go . [clears throat] I know . Um ... Jack�e? We need to talk to you about the drugs . Okay . It's none of our business-- lt �s our bus�ness. We could go to ja�l . Plus �t's stup�d . If we see any signs that the drugs are affecting your ab�l�ties �n any way-- ln any way-- We're gonna �Ull the plug . Do you understand that? �eah . No warn�ngs, no excuses, no apolog�es. �ou mess up ' it's over. is this l�ke an �nterVent�on? You damn right. Wow. [Jack�e] I guess I could have told them , but I was just really ... touched . That they would take the trouble and everything , you know? [scream�ng on TV] This takeover bid is irresponsible! I think the CEO has lost his mind . - [scream�ng] - And honestly' the whole board ought to get 20 years-- Yeah , r�ght. L�ke wh�te guys are gonna do t�me . 20 years? Man , we'd get that if we stole a candy bar from a convenience store . Hey! �ou listen to me! You ain't no man making jokes about crime . A�n't no men in �r�son . Just corpses don't know enough to l�e down . Now that is not who you're gonna be . I don't care what I gotta do ' you're not go�ng that way . - Do you hear me? - �es' ma'am. I was gonna go steal candy bars' but now I won't. Come here . give me some love. Okay . That's good . [bee��ng] [wand buzz�ng] [buzz�ng] What? You got a boyfriend? [door closes] What ha��ened? [Jackie] Just qU�t yell�ng. - l'm not yell�ng! - �es, you are! That's yelling . Shh! Qu�et. Not so loud . Do you want to tell us what happened , JaCk�e? I had a bad feeling. You had a ... badfeeling. I take my feelings seriously . - So nobody ... sa�danyth�ngor d�danyth�ng? - No . I had a bad feeling. Okay , I'm sorry . That's �t. I'm outta here . - No , no , wa�t! - Wa�t? Wa�t for what? Huh? The alarms? They're go�ng off! D�mw�t junk�e alert! Whacked-oUt Martha Stewart wannabe. What the hell was I th�nking? Seriously , �t was real bad! [alarm bee�ing] Qu�t ��ss�ng and moaning, �eo�le . It's �n your contract. Sect�on 4 1 : "Em�loyees w�ll submit to full random security searches ." Everyone , everywhere , every m�nUte . Let's go . Come on . Ma'am? Thank yoU . Come on ' let's go . ♪♪ [music �laying in headphones] ♪ I got a woman with plenty of money ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ ♪ Called my baby late last night ♪ ♪ She told me ' "Daddy , everything was all right" ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ 4-9-3-7 . 49-37 . [door buzzer] [knock on door] Hold on . Thanks. It's my job . Right. M�ne , too . Back to work' then . ♪ She's all mine , and I'm so glad ♪ ♪ She's the best woman that I'Ve ever had ♪ ♪ She's all mine , and I'm so glad ♪ 4937 . T�lt down a little . Down . - Sorry? - about 9 degrees . Zoom in. What we really need �s thermal imaging . Amateur. ♪ Don't have to worry 'cause she's real fine ♪ ♪ I know my baby and she's all mine ♪ ♪ She g�ve me a Cad�llac' a diamond r�ng ♪ ♪ She told me ' "Daddy' don't you worry about a thing" ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ ♪ Oh , come on, come on ♪ ♪ She got the money' and I got the honey ♪ ♪ Oh , stop your train ♪ ♪ Whoo ooh ♪ [laugh�ng] Shh! [g�ggling] Now I'Ve got two reasons to love Control to� . I'm gotta get myself some bor�ng Under�ants. I know . I bet V�ctor�a never had th�s �articular secret. [laughs] I can't get th�s in there . Qh' that hurts. We'Ve gotta hurry . [g�ggles] Okay , there we go . Got it? All r�ght' now everybody quit smil�ng . Qu�t smil�ng . [clears throat] Next u�? - Ahem . - Oh. Okay , thank you . Thank yoU . How you do�ng today? I'm good . �ou? I'm... [N�na laughs] I'm good . Good . Um ' you know what? I th�nk you are always just... You're so ... �olite . [scoffs] Next! What goes around comes around . Too true . [groans] [N�na] Spoken l�ke a real gentleman . I don't want to be forward and th�s is not the best place to talk-- Mrs. Cardigan ! - Oh-- - Step back, please . I th�nk you dropped this . Oh. Thank yoU ' Mr. GloVer. Everyone , everywhere , every m�nUte . Carry on . I was wonder�ng maybe ... do you l�ke jazz? What? Oh . Uh ... no. Sorry. [mock�ng] "Do you like jazz?" shut u�! Next! [all counting] Okay , wa�t a second . Oh , 1 83 . 1 83 equals ... Can everyone count to themselves' please? What's u� w�th all these $ 1 .00 b�lls? I was �n a hurry . We're gonna have to get th�s bug worked out. Only large bills. Okay . I have $32'000 . - 3 1 . - 28 . - Damn . - What? What's the matter? If we each g�ve her one , that leaves a thousand ' wh�ch is 333 each. There's gonna be a dollar left over. I might have change . Kee� the change . [all laugh] ♪ The best th�ngs �n life are free ♪ ♪ But you can g�ve them to the birds and bees ♪ Gimme the money , baby! [all talk�ng] Let's see mama mak�ng that cash! ♪ That's what I want ♪ ♪♪ [record slows down] Don . Hi . Want a lap dance? ♪ That's what I want ♪ You know Someth�ng? I would have thought you would have been a whole lot ha��ier. Oh ' forg�ve me for gett�ng �nsuff�cient kicks when somebody I'm marr�ed to commits a felony . Don ! Th�s money doesn't even offic�ally ex�st anymore . That's the beauty of the whole th�ng . Look at it. lt's worn out. It's gonna be shredded . So what do we do? We take some . We spend it. It goes to another bank. It's st�ll worn out. So what do they do? They pull �t from the system ... aga�n! It's l�ke we're steal�ng the same money over and over. In fact, �t'S not even l�ke stealing money at all . It's more l�ke recycl�ng . Oh ' recycl�ng ! Yeah ' your defense attorney's gonna love that one ' Bridget. I'm not gonna get caught. My God , Don , we're very careful . We have s�gnals and "go" codes. We have a system here that works-- Oh ' �lease ' God . Tell me you're not �lann�ng on do�ng th�s aga�n . What--what, do you think I'm stUp�d? Of course we're going to do th�s aga�n . At least until we get out of the hole . Four or f�Ve more times. Nina gets school paper, and Jack�e , honestly , I really don't know what the hell she �s going to do . �ou know something? You've gone insane ' Br�dget. Honey ' you see a $20 b�ll on the s�dewalk. Let me just ask you . What do you do? Do you walk away? No . You know , I guess �t would depend on whether or not the s�dewalk were locked �nside a Federal bank! Honestly! When you have spent months cleaning the�r toilets' the whole Federal bank th�ng doesn't seem l�ke such a great big deal . What about the overall system of monetary flow' hmm? What? �ou know that they print a certa�n amount of money relating to assets in other �arts of the system . - Uh-hUh. Where? - l don't know , bUt-- - �es! - Seriously , you could be ... you could be throwing off the entire balance of trade. �ou could be endangering the dollar aga�nst the--the yen . Don , I am gonna kee� do�ng th�s. The yen �s just gonna have to take care of �tself. [bell r�ngs] See ' the �roblem is we just don't acce�t mid-semester transfers or f�nanc�al aid students. We-- l won't be needing financ�al a�d . I'm sorry? I can �ay now for the full year. Oh. I might also be �ncl�ned to make a significant donation to your new l�brary ... if my sons were us�ng �t. Well , that would ... be a d�fterent situat�on now' wouldn't �t? Can I pay you �n crack? I'm just k�dd�ng w�th you . Oh. It has to be under ten . Anyth�ng over 1 0 '000 is automatically reported to the I RS . I know . �ou told me . I'm gonna kee� the engine going while you're in there . Relax. We're mak�ng a de�oSit' Don . We already robbed the bank. That's not even funny . Honey , you know what? �ou gotta l�ghten up ' or I'm gonna have to have you whacked . When d�d you even start talking l�ke that? I'm k�dd�ng you . But really ' sweetie , I'm the only person in the whole world who thought this Up . Why can't you be �roud of me? I haVe no �dea who you are anymore , but I'm enormously proud of you . - Really? - �eah! No , you are amazing . Really? Are you �roud of me? - Tell me aga�n . - �oU are so hot. Oh ' my God . When was the last time we d�d �t �n a car? We'Ve never done it in the car. It'd be so stu�id to do �t �n a Car... 'cause we have a house . Oh ' God ' yes, we do . We have a house . Let's go do it in our house . - �ou know what? - What? They got a �ark�ng lot behind the bank. Oh ' that �s such a good idea! �es! Okay ' wh�ch ones do you want me to get the cashier's checks for? Baby , kee� that engine runn�ng . Shh. [revs eng�ne] ♪ Hot change ♪ ♪ Got �t right �n the groove ♪ ♪ And a rang-a-tang Joe ♪ ♪ ls a r�ng-a-d�ng mood ♪ ♪ A little racka tacka tacka tacka run done th�ng ♪ Thanks. ♪ A racka tacka tacka tacka run done th�ng ♪ ♪ Everybody wanna get rich right away ♪ ♪ Right away ' right away ' right away ♪ ♪ Everybody wanna get rich right away ♪ Next! ♪ Everybody wanna be king for a day ♪ ♪ Everybody wanna get rich right away ♪ ♪ lf you wanna be r�ch and you wanna be wealthy ♪ ♪ I believe I'd rather be poor and healthy ♪ ♪ lf you wanna be r�ch and you wanna be wealthy ♪ ♪ I believe I'd rather be poor and healthy ♪ ♪ A racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum th�ng ♪ ♪ lt's a racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum game ♪ ♪ A racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum th�ng ♪ ♪ lt's a racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum game ... ♪ Here's to a job well done . Unbelievable ' terrify�ng' and thankfully over. Well , I th�nk we should kee� go�ng. [laughs] Oh' no . Sweetheart' that'd be-- No , that's--that's a bad �dea. �eah . He's r�ght. That wasn't �art of the deal . We were su��osed to just... you know' get what we needed and get out. I th�nk we need more ' r�ght? I could use more. More wouldn't hurt. No . See , don't get greedy . See ' that's how �eople get caught. Exactly . I th�nk we're ask�ng for trouble. Don ! �ou've worked your ass off for 30 years and for what? So you can see your w�fe become a jan�tor? And Nina? You've s�ent years standing in one s�ot throwing money into a shredder so your boys could have a better l�fe ' and were they one bit closer to the�r dream? Jack�e . There must be something that you'Ve always wanted to do w�th your life . Yes. I wanna see Braz�l and CzechosloVak�a and lnd�a-- Actually ' there is no CzechosloVak�a . What? It's--�t's either the Czech Re�Ubl�c now or Slovak�a. S�nce when? 1 992. India's st�ll there ' r�ght? Yes . Yes. Absolutely . - l wanna see those places for myself. - �eah . And I don't care where we go just as long as I don't have to carry any more dead cows. What's that? Bob works for Allen Brothers Meat Pack�ng . - Oh . Oh . - There you go . - Don . - What? is �t wrong? is it really , really , really terr�ble to want secur�ty? Long-term f�nancial secur�ty? How about long-term maximum secur�ty? Because that's where we're headed �f we keep do�ng this. never haV�ng to worry again about sickness' old age , the real estate market' Cor�orate fallout, your kids �n college , and a master bath with a walk-�n closet. What? You almost sounded rat�onal there for a m�nUte. A walk-in closet? We can't s�end that money . I'm sorry . What? You know how peo�le get busted? They brag and they flash . You don't th�nk it w�ll draw a l�ttle attent�on? �hree g�rls from the Fed start s�end�ng money they can't ex�lain? I mean , �f we're gonna do th�s' no b�g-ticket �urchases, no lifestyle changes. We just go slow and be smart. Oh' man . I hate be�ng smart. When �t's enough ' we all move somewhere where nobody knows we're not Su��osed to have that k�nd of money . Look' Nina' l understand that you don't want to s�end the money , and you don't really want sex-- Wa�t a m�nUte! I want to have sex. I want to have sex. Actually , �f you can come back in a minute . It's been seven years. I want �t all day and all n�ght. But while we're l�V�ng �n the real world , �f we're gonna do this ' we're gonna do �t right or not at all . You don't seem to Understand . Th�s �s my �lan . Okay . So go do your �lan! Oops. �oU can't' can you? - Not by yourself. - �oU can't tell me what to do . would you sto� f�ght�ng? My way or no way at all . [sighs] Okay . Could I try th�s one on? [Man] Of course . [gasps] Oh ' my God . How much? 62,000 . - That's a lot. - Not Really . You �ay for qual�ty . What? You're s�ending the money . What are you talking about? Of course I'm not s�end�ng the money . - No? - �o . What's th�s? Uh-- N�na ' �t's noth�ng . That's not even real . - lt's not? - No . - Wow. - Wa�t! Hey! - Good! - No! Wait! Nina! That's m�ne ' Nina! Okay! That was host�le . Don't s�end the money . Oh! [groans] Sorry I'm late . Where have you been? It's 33-40 . Here . No! Don't! Oh! - [key Clank�ng] - Oh , sh�t! - What? - The key! Qh' sh�t! Oh! Oh! Okay , where's the s�are? It's �n the dra�n . You didn't get Jack�e's key? I already d�d the first floor. I can't go back u� . Do you have Jack�e's cell number? No , I never �ut �t �n my �hone . I didn't want anyth�ng to tie her to me . Qh' God! Come on! Look, I gotta go . My break �s over. Okay ' go ' go , go . I'll f�gure something out. All r�ght' okay . just calm down . Um , I'll th�nk of someth�ng here . I'll call you r�ght back. Okay , bye-bye . Oh , my God! five m�nutes. Jesus God . ♪♪ [music �laying on head�hones] Hey! Hey , what the hell are you doing out here? You're not on break t�me . He's got an �m�ortant call to make . You work here? put the �hone away . Make the call . Make the call . You do and you're fired . Hey , listen you know something, fathead? Why don't you just put the damn stopwatch down , huh? Th�s �s a fam�ly emergency here . Look around you! These are �eo�le! You know , �f you f�re this man , each one of these guys �S gonna walk off th�s dock. Right, fellas? Fellas? - �oU're on your own , S�artacus. - No�e . [men chatt�ng] [Man] They cut benefits' man . [Jack�e] Hey ' baby . Hey , doll face . Prick. [shredd�ng] Don . Don. Don . What �n the hell �S that woman do�ng �n there? Oh ' that's enough of that. Shit! No! Bob ' no . No , I can't go down there . I can't go down there , not Unt�l sort�ng fin�shes. You all r�ght? - Huh? - �oU okay? Yeah . Just' you know , carpal tunnel . Messes w�th me somet�mes. Fantast�c. �es. All r�ght. I love yoU . Oh! Oh ' my-- - Mrs. Cardigan . - Mr. GloVer. You spend an unusual amount of t�me �n th�s bathroom . ♪♪ [music �laying on head�hones] Everyone ... everywhere ... ... everym�nute. Yeah . Uh ... are you watching when everybody goes everywhere? I really ho�e so because ... maybe you can tell me why they can't use the fac�l�ty in such a way as to kee� eVeryth�ng �n the fac�lity? I'm a college-educated woman , and I really don't understand the �hys�cs. Maybe- - Maybe you can see how they even manage to get what they get where they get �t! You know what we can do? You and I could hang out. You can get on the floor l�ke I do every day and make a re�ort! How about that' Mr. Glover? Huh? Do you l�ke that �dea? - What about that? - Carry on! Oh ' my God . Okay . Let's go . Th�nk fast. Hi ! - Ooh ! - Watch out. What? I heard that. You heard what? I am marr�ed' asshole . I ought to report you . What the hell did you say to her' man? Nothing . - Maybe she reads minds . - [elevator dings] You need a hand with that? No . No ' no , no , lt's just f�ne . Somet�mes w�th these new ones, you gotta w�ggle them . No , no , no . Let me help you . I got �t. Your car�al tunnel and eVeryth�ng . Oh! Hey! Seriously , guys! Grow u� , okay! I'm not your �ersonal ma�d , all r�ght? Oh ' yes! Hi . Slow �t down . Man! Th�s th�ng's really stuck. Security . I'll be right back. One second . [door buzzer] Oh! Whose your ��ck for the �layoffs? What playoffs? Oh! Oh ' my God . I thought there were �layoffs. Oh' man . Oh ' my God . Got it. Great. Told you . ♪ Ain't nobody ♪ ♪ Can do me like Jesus can ♪ ♪ Ain't nobody ♪ [cell phone r�ngs] Yeah? Oh' thank God . They're okay . Qh' sweetheart. Oh ' yeah! Qh' God! Wow. I'm sorry about your job . I hated my job . I used to th�nk I d�d , too . We need to talk. Look, Barry , I know you're probably a really n�ce guy and all , and I don't want to make you feel badly ' but I'm really not �n a �lace in my l�fe r�ght now-- Unless you have half a dozen very hard ' rectangular breasts, we need to talk. Are you ought of your m�nd? Look, �f you're gonna bust me ' bust me . I don't need a lecture . Who else �s it? The trash woman . Who else? I can't tell you that. Tell them it's over. What does he mean �t's over? Does �t mean he turns us �n and we go to �r�son? It's over, and nobody says anything? We walk away ' it's over? I don't know. I'm just tell�ng you what he said . That's k�nda like a major d�fference . Plann�ng my weekend or plann�ng my ba�l hearing. Okay , okay . Please stop fighting. Now now' not here . I th�nk it meant walk away . Yeah , because? Because we're st�ll here . Wow. And he-- he likes me . Hmm? He does like you ' doesn't he? A lot. Oh' no . No . Uh-uh! - That would be br�ll�ant' N�na. - No! If you guys got together, and then he was on our team' and then ... we would be fool�roof. So what are you say�ng? Do you know what it is when somebody trades sex for money? AdVertis�ng . Publ�c service? A good �ercentage of marr�ages. What �s w�th you peo�le? Now these are on me . Look, we got a good thing go�ng here . And �f gett�ng Barry on our s�de is the only way we can kee� go�ng , I don't th�nk it's asking too much for you to take one for the team . Right. I mean ... bes�des, he's a total babe . And you know , honey , we would do this for you . - We would do th�s for you . - Right. Exce�t we ha��en to be married . And ' of course , guess what. P .S . ' he doesn't even want us . He m�ght not even want me . Oh ' yeah' r�ght. Okay . Wake u�! He's' l�ke , all over you all the time . Nina' are you worr�ed because it's been so long? No ' Nina' it's just l�ke r�d�ng a b�cycle ... ups�dedown. Okay ' look' l st�ll know how to do �t, okay? I'm good , I prom�se you . I'm good �n that de�artment, all r�ght? I'm just- - No . I'm worr�ed about how I'll feel �n the morning. Sore . Rich. Why don't we just cut him �n? All r�ght. whatever works. Absolutely . But seven years �s a really long t�me ' Nina. Let's just leave �t that I decide what I think �s r�ght' okay? Just get h�s address for me . Okay . All r�ght. Just breathe . Just like r�ding a b�ke , N�na . Just like r�ding a b�ke . [knocks on door] Okay . You l�ke rid�ng a bike . You ain't rode a bike �n a while ' but �t's gonna be okay . - H� . - H� . Hi there . Wow. Um ... you m�nd �f I come in? It's-- lt's k�nda late. Um , maybe we could-- [Woman] Barry , who is �t? I'm sorry . I didn't know about your mom . She needs someone to take care of her. Um , maybe we could ... go out somewhere somet�me . Why? Cards on the table ' huh? Don't you th�nk? [sighs] What ha��ened to us �S we found a way to get what we wanted . I mean , have you ever thought about it? What �f you could have what you wanted? I th�nk about �t all the t�me . So what do you want? Wow. I'm so sorry . What the hell is the matter w�th you? l--l beg your �ardon? Are you demented? That is a fantastic woman . I know . - Well? Are you afra�d of her? - No . I'm a little afra�d of you at the moment. I don't th�nk you're gay . Thank yoU . Yeah ' So you get the girl ' you get the money . So what's the �roblem' huh? Okay . He'll join u� . He wants a full share . He just doesn't want sex with you to be �art of the deal . You're kidding. No . It's poss�ble I'm gonna have a stroke , and they're gonna f�nd the words "l told you so" block�ng the blood to my bra�n . He says you're worth more than that. He said that? Yes. Oh ' he sounds l�ke a great guy . Yeah . You should just tell h�m that you really want to . Now? Yeah . He �robably thinks I'm-- l told Pr�nce Charm�ng I'm a whore . He d�dn't say that. I told h�m I'm a whore. No , no' no . Come on . Nina' he d�dn't say that. - Don't get neurotic. I mean ' really . - �eah . Okay , forget about it. Okay , forget �t. All r�ght? We're back in bus�ness. There's a random search on Thursday . So Fr�day , yeah? Works for me. Okay , �s that �t, Fr�day? - Fr�day's good ' r�ght? - �es. Th�s one's yours, right? Yeah , thank you . Look, I really owe you an apology . You did what you thought you had to . No . I'm not... l�kethat. And I know you �robably th�nk that-- Maybe you got the wrong message here . I never sa�d I d�dn't want you . I just didn't want you like that. Well ' look' maybe we could just... start from scratch. [sighs] Aah! Oh ' my God! Oh! - Sorry . - Excuse us. No , no ' that's fine . I'm actually Very sorry . [N�na] We'll be out �n a m�nUte . No , no ' please , take your t�me . Are you kidd�ng me? EVeryth�ng's great. �eah , we got federal Crimes ' a house full of loot' and now �eo�le having sex �n our closet. I know . Oh ' come on , Br�dget. Are you really f�ne w�th all th�s? Well ' actually' l'm sort of ho�ing she'll f�nally l�ghten u� a b�t and let us start spending some of this money . [�ushes su�tCase under bed] What? I don't know . Maybe I just wanted a job . What? Actually ' l thought I was losing her. And all I could th�nk of do�ng was try to make her need me aga�n . All r�ght' everyone , l�sten u� . What you need is a boyfr�end . - Hold u� . - Excuse me? What you need is to not-- A rich one . Someone who's out of town a lot' gets you gifts ' pays for your k�ds' tuition at a fancy �rivate school . And what you need �s a job . Hey , man ' l'm look�ng , all r�ght? Day trad�ng' all right? Onl�ne . If anybody asks' you're into short-term futures. If somebody wants a t�p just tell them the market's way too Volat�le . Can you wr�te that down? Yes. Barry , your mom's gonna get a big insurance settlement. Huge . Of course I w�ll be do�ng freelance cor�orate consult�ng out of our house , wh�ch we w�ll have to remodel . - Okay . - There you are . We all have jobs we need to do or the appearance thereof. Isn't he just great? Hot damn . We're f�nally organ�zed cr�me . ♪ I used to go out to parties ♪ ♪ And stand around ♪ lt's k�nda hard to th�nk of ourselves as bank robbers. ♪ To really get down ♪ [laughs] ♪ But my body ♪ ♪ Yearned to be free ♪ ♪ I went off on the floor ♪ ♪ So somebody could choose me ♪ ♪ No more standing ♪ lt got be k�nda l�ke a job . Hmm . ♪ Beside the wall ♪ ♪ Now I got myself together , baby ♪ Of course we had �roblems, you know? L�ke where to put it all . [laughs] ♪ There's always a chance ♪ We had it down to a sc�ence . The �erfect money mach�ne . ♪ Move your body' oh ' baby ♪ ♪ And dance all n�ght ♪ ♪ To the groov�ng ♪ ♪ Feel all r�ght ♪ Aw . ♪ Oh , yeah ♪ - Money-- - Can buy you-- Ha���ness . Don't let anybody tell you different. What is Marjor�e gonna say about that' huh? Oh! I am so ha��y for you ! - Are you? - EVeryth�ng �s wonderful . - Thank you . - Bridget, the good stuff. The good stuft' thank you . The good stuft! You're so funny! - H� ' Bridget. - Hi. Hello . Hi . How are yoU? Good to see you . Qh' hi! [Woman] Oh ' how are you? - Hey . - Huh? - �ou hav�ng fun? - �eah . - �ou're not gonna bel�eve th�s. - What? Tom Gaffney just offered me a job . Sen�or VP ' head of a div�sion. [gas�s] They're �mpressed by how well l've been doing as a consultant. Take �t' Don . - �ou th�nk? - Yeah. is �t weird wanting to sit �n an off�ce all day when you don't have to? You're a manager. You need someth�ng to manage . It's a �ay cut. We're gonna have to pretend to be l�Ving on less . Yeah , I know . You know , you could quit. Seriously . I mean , we could sUrv�ve being u��er middle class for a wh�le , r�ght? Honey , I don't know . I hate cleaning to�lets' but the money �s so good . Well , th�nk about �t. Do you know that guy? No . Why? I don't know . Oh ' my God! Oh! �h�s is so exciting! - Oh , my God! - [Nina] �hank you . - Thanks. - R�ng' r�ng , ring ! [Don] Good for you guys. [Don] Oh ' that's great. [Jack�e] Yes ' girl ! Uh-huh! Green-level em�loyees ' l�ke th�s young lady here ' are not allowed �n red-leVel areas. Transitions to red-badge areas are modeled after Federal maximum security �r�sons . ... redI DSto ascend beyond the cameras . [Jack�e] lt was that guy ... show�ng u� . The th�ng about a �erfect machine , though ' is you dro� �n one loose screw... Bam! [Agent' s��ll�ng dr�nk] Oh ! Jesus! I just came from the loading dock. I was dro��ing off a cart, when all of a sudden' GloVer comes out of nowhere-- - Aah! - Aah! Shh! Qu�et! [muffled] Just be qu�et. Just be quiet. Okay . What d�d you mean , "We're busted"? Th�s guy was looking at me Very strangely . [groans] Take my feel�ngs ser�oUsly . Okay , Jack�e , but let's try not to �an�c' okay? Yeah ' yeah . �ou said you never saw him before' r�ght? You don't know why he could be here . It could be noth�ng . It �s not noth�ng . All r�ght' we're just going to try and f�nd out' all right? Okay? All r�ght. Okay . Ah! Service em�loyees who need access to red-leVel areas are given yellow I . D . badges. A yellow badge is only allowed �n secure areas under red-level su�erv�sion . �ellow badge em�loyees are given a r�gorous screening in nat�onal databanks for cr�m�nal and �sych�atric h�story . It turns out they're all crazy . [laughs] That's a joke . Whoa' whoa. Aah! Whoops�e! Oh , I think we're all safe �n this room , don't you? Uh-huh . [Glover] Let's go right. MoV�ng on . Step r�ght th�s way . So as you can see , there is sim�ly no o��ortunity for theft, wh�ch is why there'S never been a theft of even a single note at this fac�lity ' and there never will be . Right. Look, these are not wh�te-Collar �eo�le . They would have to �hys�cally steal the money ' wh�ch I just told you is �mpossible . You're talking about women who ... change trash bags. They push carts around ' drop �a�er �n a hole eight hours a day . �ou got to adm�t �t'S k�nd of im�ressive ' though . lm�ressive? Yeah ' l mean' these �eo�le have managed to acqu�re enormous sums of unaccounted for cash , and no one can figure out how . Isn't that odd? Are you a little cur�ous about that? Yes. So what we need to do is get the KCPD on them , f�nd out what they're u� to . We have... formonths. You've been watching them for months... and nobody told me? Yeah . We believe one of your staff has been Com�rom�sed . We had to assume the ent�re secur�ty squad was corrupt. How the hell dare you come �n here sl�ng�ng allegat�ons when you have noth�ng? No evidence . They could have gotten this money any number of ways . �hey--they could be involved w�th drugs, com�uter cr�me? Well ' they could have gotten �t turn�ng �n cans for de�osit, but they work at a bank. Actually ' your bank. You l�sten to me . I run the t�ghtest lockdown this s�de of Fort Knox! And until you can prove otherwise ' you get your glor�f�ed �a�er-�Ushing ass out of here and let some real men do the�r damn jobs! You know , I hope for your sake you're right, and I hope this place �S aS airt�ght as you seem to want to believe �t �s, and I hope that you're not a part of a consp�racy to steal from the Federal Government' because that would be a crime �unishable to the fullest extent of the law . You w�ll be held accountable . He's a Federal Bank examiner. M�ndy Arbogast called , of course . He's talk�ng to all of our ne�ghbors. What was he ask�ng? How we make our money . What I do for a l�Ving. Are you Sure �t's the same guy from the party? Yes . Yes' l am Sure �t's the guy from the �arty . All r�ght. What we need to do is we need to talk to a lawyer. We'll give ourselves u� . We are not going to do that. Mm-mmm. No . No ' no , honey , listen to me . Look, we still have most of the money ' r�ght? So we'll g�Ve it back' and we'll negot�ate some k�nd of' you know ' suspended sentences or someth�ng l�ke that' all right? Don , I can't do that. We cannot do that. Bridget, �lease . Look... We have so few cards to play . Honey , �t's not sho�lifting. It's a federal crime . Don ! We can't turn ourselves �n because ... they're gonna take Nina's k�ds away . And' uh ... she'd k�ll me . No . Bob ... it is not a surve�llanCe bl�m� . Don? [groans] Don't worry . I'll call you right back. I'm going to jail . No . No . No , I'm not. No ' l'm not. I am tell�ng you if they had any evidence , they would have arrested Us already ' and they're just f�sh�ng . So I'm say�ng we were careful , correct? Everybody spent w�th�n the cover stories' r�ght? Do investments count as spend�ng? What �nVestments? You sa�d be a day trader. No , we d�dn't. Oh ' boy! - We sa�d �retend to be a day trader. - Yeah . Well , I was ... you know ' gett�ng �nto character' r�ght? And I set u� th�s �ortfolio . The Bob fund . - Oh , good God! - And , Uh ... I am making 1 7% . Did you ever �nvest amounts greater than $1 0 ,000 at one time? - Oh , hell , yeah! - �ou d�d . L�ke b�g mondo chunks, man! Yeah , totally! I'm look�ng to make the large green ' hombre . You th�nk I like th�nk�ng of my w�fe on her feet from 9 to 5 every day r����ng off the government? Th�s �s bad , right? Transactions over $ 1 0 '000 are automat�cally re�orted to the I RS! How many t�mes do I haVe to say that? Well , I d�dn't-- l didn't know that. Look, you cannot blame me for th�ngs I d�dn't know. That would not be fa�r. All r�ght' look' it doesn't �rove one thing. They can't arrest us without evidence . What about the p�les of cash in our houses? I mean ' you don't th�nk that m�ght be a l�ttle problem? Uh , well-- We're gonna have to get r�d of it... ton�ght. No . We'll take �t with us. We'll run . We'll get new identities . - Good . - No. Shut u� ' will you? What do you mean run? �o where? What do we tell our kids? L�ke they ever call us? - lt's too late . - They're already watching us . - There was a blim� over our house . - Bob! Come on. Bridget, �lease . We worked so hard . And that's �t? Whew! We'll be all r�ght. We'll be all r�ght. She'll--she'll do �t' really . Did you say 1 7%? 1 7% . My God , that's Unbel�eVable . What' are yoU mad ' babe? Th�s �s crazy . L�sten , N�na' I know co�s from work' how they do th�ngs. What ha��ens when they don't have enough ev�dence �S they try and get one of us to roll over against the other' testify . The thing is they only need one . whoever rolls over f�rst gets the deal . F�rst-t�me offender' s�ngle mom ' they m�ght deal you down to �robation if you roll now' alone . I can't-- l can't do that. We're all grownups here . We d�d what we d�d . The boys ... you should know how �t works . We could do �t' you know . Get away . I don't want to . No? I mean , I'm sorry , but l-- l can't l�ve w�th �t just hang�ng over us the rest of our life . I'm not sorry we d�d �t, but I really ... I'd really l�ke th�s �art to be over. Hang on . �eah , we are �n a pol�ce state . No , we're not �n a pol�ce state . Yeah ' we are . It's l�ke 1 989 . What? No! Oh , no! God , what an idiot. [shredd�ng] - Honey ' l need more . - [toilet flushes] [ha�r dryer blowing, sto�s] [gas h�sses] Mom? [shredd�ng] [dog barking] Okay . Shh. Qu�et. Shh. Rufus. Good RUfUs. Okay . They're on the move . [roar�ng] [ha�r dryer blowing] [Jack�e] Wow . [laughs] [Bob] BeaUt�fUl , doll . [helicopter approaching] Uh-oh. �his is the �olice . Stop your vehicle . [sirens] ... stopyourvehicle. Exit with your hands above your head . Now we're under surveillance. [t�res screeCh] [siren] Freeze! KCPD! Kee� your hands where we can see 'em! - Freeze! - KCPD! Dro� it! Drop �t! - Hold �t! - Don't you move! [Boy] Mom' what's go�ng on? - Stay �n the house ' boys. - Mom? We're going in . �ou stay �ut. Wow. N�ce house . [to�let flushes] Kansas C�ty Pol�ce! U� here . Hi . Um ... I don't su��ose anyone's seen my wife . No? [chuckles] Okay ... M�ss ... Capone. K�ng room , no smoking. You'll be putting this on wh�ch card? I'm �ay�ng �n cash . We st�ll need a cred�t card for inc�dentals. There won't be any �nc�dents ' will there? [Clears throat] No' ma'am. Room 4 1 2. Right through there . You need to help yourself here . Yeah , well , I want to see a lawyer. Donde my abogato . Just tell us how they d�d �t. Did you hear me? Lawyer. L-A-� ... W ... E ... R. She left you ' man . Your wife ditched you . What are you gonna do about that? W�sh her well? Your ch�ldren are at the Child Welfare off�ces. When you're �ndicted ' we'll put them �nto the foster care system . Now , the district attorney can help you if you hel� him. Hi . Hey . How much? How much what? How much d�d you take? I'm not sure I know what you mean . Why? How much do you th�nk I took? We have no �dea. - Really? - That's r�ght. - �oU don't know? - No�e . Oh. Good. You can't arrest me . You're a bank exam�ner. - That's r�ght. - Right. Well , you've done your homework. What do you want? I guess I wanna know what makes someone like you dec�de to do someth�ng like this? - Well , I haVe a theory . - Mm-hmm . Cr�me �s contag�ous. Qh' brother. He �s a ��eCe of work. Oh ' yeah . Look in the camera . Greet�ngs, Earthl�ngs. �ou know those two amazing women-- amaz�ng-- that they just arrested ' and--and their fam�lies and my husband? They never really had a shot. I mean , they ke�t trying , and they d�d their best' but what did they really get out of it? A g�gant�c untraceable fortune . prove it. Hello? I've been told you want a deal . Yes. It should have been a l�ttle faster. Who? The girl . K�nd of a hinky �lea bargain . She says the deal �s you get the walk. full �mmun�ty . She tells us eVeryth�ng if you get to go home to your kids. Go figure peo�le . What do you want? Bridget, I d�dn't-- l need a lawyer. I don't do cr�m�nal work, Br�dget. [gas�s] You take that out of th�s house th�s minute . You know , not everybody �s like you . Some of us have morals and standards-- shut u� , M�ndy! I'm a tax attorney . I know that. Excuse me . What's go�ng on here? Was she re�resented? Deal's done . I am th�s woman's attorney . You're what? The deal wasn't w�th her. It was w�th one of the other sUs�ects. I represent them all . And I need to confer with my cl�ents... now. Wa�t right here . You have no case against my clients. We have a confession . She'll recant. They all w�ll . What about the money, the cars ' the houses? There's no law aga�nst haV�ng money . Can you �roVe they stole it? Of course they stole it. Did they? �hese women robbed your bank for three years without sett�ng off a single alarm? is that what ha��ened , Mr. Glover? Accord�ng to our records, all currency that was due to be destroyed ... was destroyed . The Fed �s a totally secure �nstitut�on . We watch everyone ... everywhere ... every m�nute . [groans] lt �s impossible to remove currency from our system. There's no evidence the cr�me was even committed . You should never have arrested them. Not so fast, counselor. I RS. ever hear of U .S . Code Section 720 1 ? [sighs] Yeah . Well , Br�dget' you were r�ght. You didn't �ay taxes . On stolen money? I didn't hear that. The I RS �s offering what I cons�der... a good deal . No jail t�me . [Don] Oh! Oh ' thank you ! But the fines and the penalt�es will w��e you out. You can walk away from this �f... youwalkem�ty-handed. [siren] [chattering] I didn't th�nk we'd be com�ng out of there. Christ' Arbogast, he �s so good . I had no �dea . You didn't really think that I would leave you �n there ' d�d you? Yeah . [laugh�ng] One hell of a r�de ' huh? Yeah . Hell of a ride . - Bye-bye . - Bye . Bye , N�na . Barry . [N�na] Come on ' boys. ♪♪ [blues] - Hey' Jun�or. - Hey , hey . Long time no see . I know . The �lace is looking nice . Yes ' �t is, �sn't it? Hey , Br�dget. Oh! - Jack�e! - Jack�e! - How you do�ng , g�rl? - l'Ve m�ssed you . How was the honeymoon? Was �t? �eah , tell . Two Very f�ne days. That's �t. Oh ' and the five of us crammed u� in that t�ny apartment. Boy , you really got have a good sense of humor. And we got the two �ncomes, so ... I Can'tCompla�n. - Wow. - Wow. - Well ' Bob got h�s job back. - Okay! And I'm waitressing. And we figure �n f�ve years, we're going to South America . We're dr�Ving all the way to the bottom . There you go . - Jun�or-- - There you go , ladies . Th�s one's on the house . L�ke old t�mes. No shit. We're going back to ... work? Bob has access to a lot of beef. No . No . No . - Okay . - �es, no . Okay . But we're mov�ng . To the Caribbean . We're gonna o�en a l�ttle bed-and-breakfast. I'm gonna cook. Don's gonna manage �t' of course . We'Ve been talking about th�s for years. But we're just kinda wa�t�ng unt�l it's not so hot. Hot? It's ch�lly out. Yeah . Hey ' wa�t. D�d you ever hear that ex�ression "mad money"? My mother used to Say ' "Every woman should kee� a l�ttle mad money tucked away just �n case ." Do you use mad money when you go mad or when you get mad? Why don't you dec�de for yourself? Jun�or? - [Jun�or] Uh-huh ! - Come on. Watch your ste� . - Do you know? - No . What are you u� to? Why are we down here? Relax. You just have to have a little �atienCe . Does this look fam�liar? Oh! - Holy shit! - Oh ! - Who d�d �t? - l d�d! Me! Oh ' my God! You sneaky cr�m�nal mastermind ! [all] Oh! ♪ And she want to g�ve �t up ♪ ♪ Until you give it just a lot of love ♪ ♪ Those g�rls are so dangerous ♪ ♪ lt's enough to make a lover broke ♪ ♪ Now do you want that love? ♪ ♪ Do you need that love? ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make you run ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make your world ♪ ♪ Oh , now do you want that love? ♪ ♪ That love �s a Whole new song ♪ ♪ That love ♪ ♪ ln magaz�nes ♪ ♪ Check�ng out some k�nd of scene ♪ ♪ Can't afford to book the cred�t th�ng ♪ ♪ Before she know it , then she in for Gs ♪ ♪ Now don't take it �ersonal ♪ ♪ lf you're running with this kind of girl ♪ ♪ I'm sure she's gonna rock your world ♪ ♪ Like the way she rock me ' girl ♪ ♪ Now do you want that love? ♪ ♪ Do you need that love? ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make you run ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make your world ♪ ♪ Oh , do you want that love? ♪ ♪ That love �s a Whole new song ♪ ♪ She want everything ♪ ♪ She want the Gucci and the Louis Vitton ♪ ♪ All the juicy and canary bloom ♪ ♪ She want the k�nd of things with dollar s�gns ♪ ♪ And she won't g�Ve �t u� ♪ ♪ Unt�l you g�ve her just about enough ♪ ♪ Those g�rls are so dangerous ♪ ♪ lt's enough to make a lover broke ♪ ♪ Now do you want that love? ♪ ♪ Do you need that love? ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make you run ♪ ♪ lt's gonna make your world ♪ ♪ Oh , now do you want that love? ♪ ♪ That love �s a Whole new song ♪ ♪ I'm sure she gonna rock your world ♪ SUbt�tled By J . R. Media services, I nc. Burbank' CA [paper shredder shredding] [shredding] [toilet flushing] [Man] Honey, I need more. [shredding] This is gonna take all night. Want a sandwich? Maybe later. Okay. [gas hisses] Hey. Baby, where are the road snacks? We gotta go, Have you seen my guitar? Mom? You're having a bad dream, baby. No shit. We're gonna have to have a conversation about your language. Yeah. That's clearly the biggest problem we're having tonight. Go back to bed. Mom! Now! [roaring] [shredding] [shredding] [zips up bag] Whew. [shredding] Okay. [dog barks] Quiet. Quiet, Rufus. [growling, barking] [barking continues] Guess what I got for you! Yummy, yummy! Shh! Ooh! Look what I got ya! [barking stops] Cat. Oh! Good! There we go. Nice Rufus. Good dog. See ya later. [Man, on police radio] Attention all units. Arrest authorized. Move in now. You set? - I'm good. [Woman] I have this theory. Crime is contagious. It's like it can just kinda get in the air, and it- - People can catch it from each other. And when they catch it, they change. And then they change... other people. The truth is we're all capable of anything. We don't want to believe it's true, but it is. I realized it for the first time at Mindy and Bryce Arbogast's Fourth of July party. There you are! Hi. I knew you'd come! Sorry I'm late. Oh, my God. I want you to now I forgive you. What for? - Don's okay? He's--he's great. We're fine. We're fine. Hey, listen, I know you quit the club, but if Don wants to play, have him call me. Oh, I--I'm sure he will, but, you know, he's got a whole bunch of big interviews kind of lined up, and-- Yeah. - Does he? Uh-huh. Oh, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. You're gonna be great! Now-- - Yeah. About the realtor. I am okay about Coldwell. They're big, it makes sense. But I would've cut my commission. Mindy-- So just tell--What? Oh, my God. Bridget, I am so sorry. It's not even listed yet. I'm sure Don was gonna tell you. To tell you the truth, I don't really blame her. I got downsized. [chuckles] You're selling our house? I'm no longer the breadwinner. I don't bring home the bacon. I produce no green. You just- - You wanna talk about this, sweetie? Why on earth would I wanna talk about it? It's over. What is over? - Everything. No. - Our lives! Don, for God sakes! You are going to find that job. It's been over a year. I have tried everything I know how to try, and I have failed, all right? No, no, no, no! No, you did not fail, Don. No! I refuse to believe that! Those stupid multinational corporations merged you out of a job! So, sweetie, you got failed on! Really? You know, I am so far past statistical comfort. Look at this! We are $286,000 in debt. What? - I wasn't kidding. It's over. Honey, why didn't you tell me? We could have stopped. What? Eating, driving, living our lives? We could live on less. Lots of people live on less. Absolutely. And soon, we'll be living with them. You know, hearing their voices in the hallways, smelling their cooking. But, hey, at least we got our health. Of course, we don't have health insurance, so if you need an X-ray, I sell a kidney. We'll do something. We'll think outside the box. Well, that's good, because we're selling the box and we're moving into a smaller box, and soon that box will be so small, it's the one they put us in the ground with. We'll get jobs, any jobs, both of us, and we're gonna make our payments until this economy gets better, Don. Yeah, well, good luck, Bridget. You've been out of the workforce for some time. Well, I've raised two children and made a home. My daughter is a clinical researcher and my son is a systems analyst, and my husband is, uh, well... on the sofa right now. Your degree is in comparative literature. Yes. Sort of a slow sector of the economy right now. And your typing is sub-standard. Are you proficient on any kind of software? I'm good at Google. Look, the truth is people your age in the workforce are generally considered... real pains in the ass. Are you aware that statement is discriminatory and illegal? See? And you don't even work for me. A drug test? What kind of drugs would I have to take? Hello? [sighs] How old am I? No, I haven't worked in a hotel. I've enjoyed some wonderful times at hotels. Not yours. As a waitress, would--would I get benefits? [woman laughs] I don't think that's funny. Of course I understand about outsourcing. Yes. Suppose I was willing to move to India. [knock on door] [sighs] Selina. Hi. What are you doing here? - Your check bounced. That's the third one. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I've cleaned your house. You owe me the money. Of course. Honestly, Selina, I don't really have the money right now, but as soon as we do-- and in the meantime, if you need any kind of references-- I want cash. I want cash, too. Obviously, I don't really have any cash. I did the work. You owe me the money. How about I come clean your house for three weeks and we call it even? My house is already clean. Ah! That's yours. Enjoy. Okay? Oh, God. Don't you know how to do anything? We need benefits. I know some place. It's work like mine, but they have benefits. Why don't you do it? They won't hire people with a criminal record. You have a criminal record? Arson. Long story. Tell me about the job. I didn't even know what the Federal Reserve Bank does before I came to work here. Well, they set interest rates and they hold extra cash from all the other banks for safekeeping. Yeah--No, I--I asked my husband. Now that could be your savings account right there. I don't think so. It has money in it. [laughs] Oh, we're running a little bit behind today. And don't think they won't notice. Oh, they tell you it's for security, but meanwhile, the guys in the ties are keeping track of how many times a day we need a goddamn pee. Ha! This place is like a Las Vegas casino. No windows, no privacy, and a shitload of money all around here. The only difference is nobody here ever has any fun. [Man on radio] Okay, 12. I'm shifting to the east vault. Now, keep your head down in here. You know what I mean? [radio chatter continues] And don't spray directly on the monitors. The secret here: Don't want anything. Don't even think about wanting it. What you can think about, what you can want... is your job. I do, yes. Yes, sir, I do. I--I am thinking about wanting...the job! That's what I'm thinking about wanting, sir. Thank you so much for helping me. [buzzer] Whoo! Check this out! How you doing, Nina? Not bad. New girl. Hey. Hard to watch, huh? Worn out. We get the new bills from the mint. There goes your car payment. Oops! That's a new sofa. Get the one by the desk there. [shredding] In. Whoa. Let's go! It may not seem like much, but I do feel like, in our own way, we do something kinda important here. Oh. Oh! Oh, God, no! [groans] How's it going? [groans] God. [cell phone rings] Hello? Bridget! - Mindy. Hi! - There you are. I was just thinking about you actually. We've got to talk. Mindy, you know what? I'm out to dinner right now Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll call you back. I would love to do lunch. Lunch? Great. Tomorrow? Well, not tomorrow. But how about, um... this weekend maybe? That would be wonderful. Anyway...bye. Bye. - Bye. [door closes] [Don] Hey. How'd it go? Oh. Honey. You wanna talk about it? You remember that Frontline we saw on Third World slave labor? Yeah. Then I don't have to talk about it. Oh! Don! Don! Don! You wanna know what she told me? How the whole thing got started? Oh. Looks like we're gonna need a new one of these. Let me show ya. You see? You broke it right there. She went shopping. [Man] There's something about stuff... that's on display. See, even if you've got the same stuff, they way they lay it out makes you want. Wanting is the root of all... needing stuff. [Man] I'll tell you what. They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure as hell buys everything else. [Nina] That's what she said she was doing when she got the whole idea. Just shopping. Being a good American. [Bridget] Do you ever really think about money? People think that they think about money all the time. But how often do we really look at the actual physical cash? Once you start to really think about money, you realize this stuff gets touched a lot. Who had it before you? And what did they do with it? It gets put in places you may not wanna know about. When you really stop and think about it-- [sneezes] money is actually pretty disgusting. Well, I mean, we're a consumer society, aren't we? She got consumed. We receive currency from over a thousand banks in the Tenth District, which arrives here and enters a totally secure environment. Utility rooms, work rooms, lunchroom, lockers, stairs, elevators. Everyone, everywhere, every minute. Cash sorted. We find one of only three keys in the entire system that will open a cash cart. The Treasury Department inspection room, where the second key is held by Agent Wayne here, decorated 30-year veteran of the Secret Service-- Lost a tooth taking down Squeaky Fromme. [clicks tongue] Nighttime. The key is locked up in my security office. The final step of the process, the shredding room. And here's the third key wired to the system. And that's all she wrote. After this, there's nothing left to steal. Oh, this is good. [Mindy, outside] Okey-dokey. Here we go. Okay. Good enough. Thank you so much, Don. I'm gonna take care of you. It'll be gone in no time. [Mindy] My best to Bridget. [taps on keyboard] Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me, but it looks like you might have dropped some money. No, that's not mine. Really? Money? I guess I ought to turn it into the office, though, huh? Oh. Right. [groans] He's a big fat no. # [music playing in headphones] Oh, she's so in love with me. I got this. - Okay. Oh, I got it. Hey, beautiful. You know, you got me so cuckoo for your... cocoa puffs. You hear me, baby? [laughs] You know what I think of when somebody calls me "baby?" Okay, tell me in my good ear. I think of years of sleep deprivation. Oh. Mmm. Spit-up on the shoulder of my last clean shirt. Diarrhea in a diaper, the green kind. See, now that's the image you just left in my mind. Now what do you want? Nothing, Nina. You have a good evening. Fool. Hey, call me. What? You got to howl at the bitches, dawg. The woman's a working mother, Shaun. So? I'm not your dawg. More for me. [howls] Oh, boy. You wanna carpool tomorrow? Huh? Oh. Uh... can I ask you something? Excuse me? Are you ever tempted? What, him? You find that appealing? Ecch. - No, no. You think what I want after along day on my feet is to lie down under some skinny kid for three minutes of push-ups? No, that's not what I'm talking about. I got around plenty in my party girl days, but I got kids now. No, no, I meant... Don't you ever get tempted to just slip a couple hundreds into your pocket? Okay, I knew you didn't look like a janitor. Huh? What do you mean? Boy, they are good. Those guys are sneaky, I'll give 'em that. What? You think I'm a weasel? Or like a mole thing? No. I'm serious. I'm asking. Just once? Ever? Is that what you being here is all about? Look, nobody, not once, has ever beaten the system in, like, a hundred years. So what are you, some kinda like super genius or something? No. That's what's so funny. It's just staring you in the face. You only have to see it. And you don't think they've seen it? No. - Why? Because they don't empty the trash. What? - No. Uh-uh. Leave me alone. [chattering] [Boy] Here, Mom. You need to sign this for school. [Nina] What is it? It's a list of weapons we're not allowed to bring. Like there's some weapons you are allowed to bring? You just have to sign that you understand. Oh, I understand. I just don't understand. [phone rings] Hello? You don't want the money? I don't wanna go crazy, and that's what makes everybody crazy. Everybody always wants everything. I don't want things I can't have. Do you live in America? [beep] Hey, Mom, we got a white woman outside. What's she doing? Just standing there. She's our new lawn ornament. Well, she's coming. [doorbell rings] Find someone else. - I can't. It only works with you in the shredding room and someone from carts. It might not even work then. Maybe I'm crazy. You tell me. Okay. All right. Did you do something wrong at school today? No. You? - Not with a lock. How did you get this? The same as the Fed does. Master Lock Company, mail order. Completely legal. The key won't fit. No, it won't. The Fed resets the cylinders and makes their own keys. Just think about it. I'm not gonna think about it. Oh, okay. That's a good idea. Don't think about it. I won't. Great. Great. Whatever you do don't think about it. Give it up, Miss Daisy! # [rap playing on car radio] [door buzzer] [door opens] [door closes] I have kids! Yeah, well, so do I! My husband and I after all these years are still paying off-- I'm not talking about your upper middle-class problems. I'm a single mom. If this thing goes bad, I lose my children. Oh. - Uh-huh. Now if that happens, I will kill you. You scared of me? Yeah. Good. Now, who do we get from carts? # [rock] Somebody is definitely peeing in her cup. # [music playing in headphones] Um... Here, let me get that for you. Here you go. What on earth? Here. - Thanks. There you go. Okay, then. Well, we're not looking for a Girl Scout. Well, we didn't find one. When I was 9 years old, I found out that every day for the rest of my life, I would be sticking myself with a needle. Early onset diabetes. # [blues] Okay. I'm in. - You're in. Let's do it. What? That's it? You don't want to think about it? What's there to think about? The...consequences. Nope. I'm down. When do we go? Well, I don't know. I mean, obviously, we have to review the plan. Well, I got the plan. Do you got the plan? Do you have the lock? She has it. So why not? "Why not" seems like a really bad reason to do something, don't you think? Why? Okay. Why not? All right. We need a "go" code. Okay, I'm sorry, but a "go" code? I don't think we want to be walking around the Fed saying "Let's rob the Fed today at work," right? No, you probably don't want to be saying that. There you go. - Oops. Thanks. Okay. We need a code word like, um-- Um, like... - Liftoff. Yeah. Liftoff. That comes up really easy in conversation. Right. 'Cause you don't want it to be something you could say accidentally. You know, like, if our "go" code was "hot", and I saw you and I said, "Hey, Nina, you look really hot today," and then you go and you start stealing money, that could be a problem. The last time somebody told me I looked hot was about seven years nine months ago. And I don't want to hear it again. It's been seven years since you had sex? All right. Can we just please focus for a minute? I think that the signal should be... a gesture, basically. How about something that doesn't get us into some sort of an incident? How about something more like... um, I don't know, like this? See? Right. Works for me. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So...that's it, then. We're good to go. [clears throat] I know. Um... Jackie? We need to talk to you about the drugs. Okay. It's none of our business-- It is our business. We could go to jail. Plus it's stupid. If we see any signs that the drugs are affecting your abilities in any way-- In any way-- We're gonna pull the plug. Do you understand that? Yeah. No warnings, no excuses, no apologies. You mess up, it's over. Is this like an intervention? You damn right. Wow. [Jackie] I guess I could have told them, but I was just really... touched. That they would take the trouble and everything, you know? [screaming on TV] This takeover bid is irresponsible! I think the CEO has lost his mind. [screaming] And honestly, the whole board ought to get 20 years-- Yeah, right. Like white guys are gonna do time. 20 years? Man, we'd get that if we stole a candy bar from a convenience store. Hey! You listen to me! You ain't no man making jokes about crime. Ain't no men in prison. Just corpses don't know enough to lie down. Now that is not who you're gonna be. I don't care what I gotta do, you're not going that way. Do you hear me? - Yes, ma'am. I was gonna go steal candy bars, but now I won't. Come here. Give me some love. Okay. That's good. [beeping] [wand buzzing] [buzzing] What? You got a boyfriend? [door closes] What happened? [Jackie] Just quit yelling. I'm not yelling! - Yes, you are! That's yelling. Shh! Quiet. - Not so loud. Do you want to tell us what happened, Jackie? I had a bad feeling. You had a...bad feeling. I take my feelings seriously. So nobody...said anything or did anything? No. I had a bad feeling. Okay, I'm sorry. That's it. I'm outta here. No, no, wait! - Wait? Wait for what? Huh? The alarms? They're going off! Dimwit junkie alert! Whacked out Martha Stewart wannabe. What the hell was I thinking? Seriously, it was real bad! [alarm beeping] Quit pissing and moaning, people. It's in your contract. Section 41: "Employees will submit to full random security searches." Everyone, everywhere, every minute. Let's go. Come on. Ma'am? Thank you. Come on, let's go. # [music playing in headphones] # I got a woman with plenty of money # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # Called my baby late last night # # She told me, "Daddy, everything was all right" # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # She got the money, and I got the honey # 4-9-3-7. 49-37. [door buzzer] [knock on door] Hold on. Thanks. It's my job. Right. Mine, too. Back to work, then. # She's all mine, and I'm so glad # # She's the best woman that I've ever had # # She's all mine, and I'm so glad # # She's all mine, and I'm so glad # # She's all mine, and I'm so glad # 4937. 4937. 4937. Tilt down a little. Down. Sorry? - About 9 degrees. Zoom in. What we really need is thermal imaging. Amateur. # Don't have to worry 'cause she's real fine # # I know my baby and she's all mine # # She give me a Cadillac, a diamond ring # # She told me, "Daddy, don't you worry about a thing" # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # Oh, come on, come on # # She got the money, and I got the honey # # Oh, stop your train # # Oh, stop your train # # Whoo ooh # [laughing] Shh! [giggling] Now I've got two reasons to love control top. I'm gotta get myself some boring underpants. I know. I bet Victoria never had this particular secret. [laughs] I can't get this in there. Oh, that hurts. We've gotta hurry. [giggles] Okay, there we go. Got it? All right, now everybody quit smiling. Quit smiling. [clears throat] Next up? Ahem. - Oh. Okay, thank you. Thank you. How you doing today? I'm good. You? I'm... [Nina laughs] I'm good. Good. Um, you know what? I think you are always just... You're so... polite. [scoffs] Next! What goes around comes around. Too true. [groans] [Nina] Spoken like a real gentleman. I don't want to be forward and this is not the best place to talk-- Mrs. Cardigan! Oh-- - Step back, please. I think you dropped this. Oh. Thank you, Mr. Glover. Everyone, everywhere, every minute. Carry on. I was wondering maybe... do you like jazz? What? Oh. Uh...no. Sorry. [mocking] "Do you like jazz?" Shut up! Next! [all counting] Okay, wait a second. Oh, 183. 183 equals... Can everyone count to themselves, please? What's up with all these one-dollar bills? I was in a hurry. We're gonna have to get this bug worked out. Only large bills. Okay. I have $32,000. 31. - 28. [laughs] - [laughs] Damn. - What? What's the matter? If we each give her one, that leaves a thousand, which is 333 each. There's gonna be a dollar left over. I might have change. Keep the change. [all laugh] # The best things in life are free # # But you can give them to the birds and bees # Gimme the money, baby! [all talking] Let's see mama making that cash! # That's what I want # # [record slows down] Don. Hi. Wanna lap dance? # That's what I want # # That's what I want # You know something? I would have thought you would have been a whole lot happier. Oh, forgive me for getting insufficient kicks when somebody I'm married to commits a felony. Don! This money doesn't even officially exist anymore. That's the beauty of the whole thing. Look at it. It's worn out. It's gonna be shredded. So what do we do? We take some. We spend it. It goes to another bank. It's still worn out. So what do they do? They pull it from the system...again! It's like we're stealing the same money over and over. In fact, it's not even like stealing money at all. It's more like recycling. Oh, recycling! Yeah, your defense attorney's gonna love that one, Bridget. I'm not gonna get caught. My God, Don, we're very careful. We have signals and "go" codes. We have a system here that works-- Oh, please, God. Tell me you're not planning on doing this again. What--what, do you think I'm stupid? Of course we're going to do this again. At least until we get out of the hole. Four or five more times. Nina gets school paper, and Jackie, honestly, I really don't know what the hell she is going to do. You know something? You've gone insane, Bridget. Honey, you see a $20 bill on the sidewalk. Let me just ask you. What do you do? Do you walk away? No. You know, I guess it would depend on whether or not the sidewalk were locked inside a Federal bank! Honestly! When you have spent months cleaning their toilets, the whole Federal bank thing doesn't seem like such a great big deal. What about the overall system of monetary flow, hmm? What? You know that they print a certain amount of money relating to assets in other parts of the system. Uh-huh. Where? I don't know, but-- Yes! - Seriously, you could be... you could be throwing off the entire balance of trade. You could be endangering the dollar against the--the yen. Don, I am gonna keep doing this. The yen is just gonna have to take care of itself. [bell rings] See, the problem is we just don't accept mid-semester transfers or financial aid students. We-- I won't be needing financial aid. I'm sorry? I can pay now... for the full year. Oh. I might also be inclined to make a significant donation to your new library... if my sons were using it. Well, that would... be a different situation now, wouldn't it? Can I pay you in crack? I'm just kidding with you. Oh. [clears throat] It has to be under ten. Anything over 10,000 is automatically reported to the IRS. I know. You told me. I'm gonna keep the engine going while you're in there. Relax. We're making a deposit, Don. We already robbed the bank. That's not even funny. Honey, you know what? You gotta lighten up, or I'm gonna have to have you whacked. When did you even start talking like that? I'm kidding you. But really, sweetie, I'm the only person in the whole world who thought this up. Why can't you be proud of me? I have no idea who you are anymore, but I'm enormously proud of you. Really? - Yeah! No, you are amazing. Really? Are you proud of me? Tell me again. - You are so hot. Oh, my God. When was the last time we did it in a car? We've never done it in the car. It'd be so stupid to do it in a car... 'cause we have a house. Oh, God, yes, we do. We have a house. Let's go do it in our house. You know what? - What? They got a park right behind the bank. Oh, that is such a good idea! Yes! Okay, which ones do you want me to get the cashier's checks for? Baby, keep that engine running. Shh. [revs engine] # Hot change # # Got it right in the groove # # And a rang-a-tang Joe # # Is a ring-a-ding mood # # A little racka tacka tacka tacka run done thing # Thanks. # A racka tacka tacka tacka run done thing # # A racka tacka tacka tacka run done thing # # Everybody wanna get rich right away # # Right away, right away, right away # # Everybody wanna get rich right away # Next! # Everybody wanna be king for a day # # Everybody wanna get rich right away # # If you wanna be rich and you wanna be wealthy # # I believe I'd rather be poor and healthy # # If you wanna be rich and you wanna be wealthy # # I believe I'd rather be poor and healthy # # A racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum thing # # It's a racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum game # # A racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum thing # # It's a racka tacka tacka tacka rum-dum game... # Here's to a job well done. Unbelievable, terrifying, and thankfully over. Well, I think we should keep going. [laughs] Oh, no. Sweetheart, that'd be-- No, that's--that's a bad idea. Yeah. He's right. That wasn't part of the deal. We were supposed to just... you know, get what we needed and get out. I think we need more, right? I could use more. More wouldn't hurt. No. See, don't get greedy. See, that's how people get caught. Exactly. I think we're asking for trouble. Don! You've worked your ass off for 30 years and for what? So you can see your wife become a janitor? And Nina? You've spent years standing in one spot throwing money into a shredder so your boys could have a better life, and were they one bit closer to their dream? Jackie. There must be something that you've always wanted to do with your life. Yes. I wanna see Brazil and Czechoslovakia and India-- Actually, there is no Czechoslovakia. What? It's--it's either the Czech Republic now or Slovakia. Since when? 1992. India's still there, right? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. I wanna see those places for myself. - Yeah. And I don't care where we go just as long as I don't have to carry any more dead cows. What's that? Bob works for Allen Brothers Meat Packing. Oh. Oh. - There you go. Don. - What? Is it wrong? Is it really, really, really terrible to want security? Long-term financial security? How about long-term maximum security? Because that's where we're headed if we keep doing this. Never having to worry again about sickness, old age, the real estate market, corporate fallout, your kids in college, and a master bath with a walk-in closet. What? You almost sounded rational there for a minute. A walk-in closet? We can't spend that money. I'm sorry. What? You know how people get busted? They brag and they flash. You don't think it will draw a little attention? Three girls from the Fed start spending money they can't explain? I mean, if we're gonna do this, no big-ticket purchases, no lifestyle changes. We just go slow and be smart. Oh, man. I hate being smart. When it's enough, we all move somewhere where nobody knows we're not supposed to have that kind of money. Look, Nina, I understand that you don't want to spend the money, and you don't really want sex-- Wait a minute! I want to have sex. I want to have sex. Actually, if you can come back in a minute. It's been seven years. I want it all day and all night. But while we're living in the real world, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right or not at all. You don't seem to understand. This is my plan. Okay. So go do your plan! Oops. You can't, can you? Not by yourself. You can't tell me what to do. Would you stop fighting? My way or no way at all. [sighs] Okay. Could I try this one on? [man] Of course. [gasps] Oh, my God. How much? 62,000. That's a lot. Not Really. You pay for quality. What? - You're spending the money. What are you talking about? Of course I'm not spending the money. No? - No. What's this? Uh-- Nina, it's nothing. That's not even real. It's not? - No. Wow. - Wait! Hey! Good! - No! Wait! Nina! That's mine, Nina! Okay! That was hostile. Don't spend the money. Oh! [groans] Sorry I'm late. Where have you been? It's 33-40. Here. No! Don't! Oh! [key clanking] Oh, shit! What? - The key! Oh, shit! Oh! Oh! Okay, where's the spare? It's in the drain. You didn't get Jackie's key? I already did the first floor. I can't go back up. Do you have Jackie's cell number? No, I never put it in my phone. I didn't want anything to tie her to me. Oh, God! Come on! Look, I gotta go. My break is over. Okay, go, go, go. I'll figure something out. All right, okay. Just calm down. Um, I'll think of something here. I'll call you right back. Okay, bye-bye. Oh, my God! Five minutes. Jesus, God. # [music playing on headphones] Hey! Hey, what the hell are you doing out here? You're not on break time. He's got an important call to make. You work here? Put the phone away. Make the call. Make the call. You do and you're fired. Hey, listen you know something, fathead? Why don't you just put the damn stopwatch down, huh? This is a family emergency here. Look around you! These are people! You know, if you fire this man, each one of these guys is gonna walk off this dock. Right, fellas? Fellas? You're on your own, Spartacus. - Nope. [men chatting] [Man] They cut benefits, man. [Jackie] Hey, baby. Hey, doll face. Prick. [shredding] Don. Don. Don. What in the hell is that woman doing in there? Oh, that's not it. Shit! No! Bob, no. No, I can't go down there. I can't go down there, not until sorting finishes. You all right? Huh? - You okay? Yeah. Just, you know, carpal tunnel. Messes with me sometimes. Fantastic. Yes. All right. I love you. Oh! Oh, my-- Mrs. Cardigan. - Mr. Glover. You spend an unusual amount of time in this bathroom. # [music playing on headphones] Everyone... everywhere every minute. Yeah. Uh... are you watching when everybody goes everywhere? I really hope so because... maybe you can tell me why they can't use the facility in such a way as to keep everything in the facility? I'm a college-educated woman, and I really don't understand the physics. Maybe--maybe you can see how they even manage to get what they get where they get it! You know what we can do? You and I could hang out. You can get on the floor like I do every day and make a report! How about that, Mr. Glover? Huh? Do you like that idea? What about that? - Carry on! Oh, my God. Okay. Let's go. Think fast. Hi! Ooh! Watch out. What? What? I heard that. You heard what? I am married, asshole. I ought to report you. What the hell did you say to her, man? Nothing. Maybe she reads minds. [elevator dings] You need a hand with that? No. No, no, no, It's just fine. Sometimes with these new ones, you gotta wiggle them. No, no, no. Let me help you. I got it. Your carpal tunnel and everything. Oh! Oh! Hey! Seriously, guys! Grow up, okay! I'm not your personal maid, all right? Oh, yes! Hi. Slow it down. Man! This thing's really stuck. Security. I'll be right back. One second. [door buzzer] Oh! Whose your pick for the playoffs? What playoffs? Oh! [laughs] Oh, my God. I thought there were playoffs. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Got it. Great. Told you. # Ain't nobody # # Can do me like Jesus can # # Ain't nobody # [cell phone rings] Yeah? Oh, thank God. They're okay. Oh, sweetheart. Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Wow. I'm sorry about your job. I hated my job. I used to think I did, too. We need to talk. Look, Barry, I know you're probably a really nice guy and all, and I don't want to make you feel badly, but I'm really not in a place in my life right now-- Unless you have half a dozen very hard, rectangular breasts, we need to talk. Are you ought of your mind? Look, if you're gonna bust me, bust me. I don't need a lecture. Who else is it? The trash woman. Who else? I can't tell you that. Tell them it's over. What does he mean it's over? Does it mean he turns us in and we go to prison? It's over, and nobody says anything? We walk away it's over? I don't know. I'm just telling you what he said. That's kinda like a major difference. Planning my weekend or planning my bail hearing. Okay, okay. Please stop fighting. Now now, not here. I think it meant walk away. Yeah, because? Because we're still here. Wow. And he... he likes me. Hmm? He does like you, doesn't he? A lot. Oh, no. No. Uh-uh! That would be brilliant, Nina. - No! If you guys got together, and then he was on our team, and then... we would be foolproof. So what are you saying? Do you know what it is when somebody trades sex for money? Advertising. Public service? A good percentage of marriages. What is with you people? Now these are on me. Look, we got a good thing going here. And if getting Barry on our side is the only way we can keep going, I don't think it's asking too much for you to take one for the team. Right. I mean... besides, he's a total babe. And you know, honey, we would do this for you. We would do this for you. - Right. Except we happen to be married. And of course, guess what? P.S., he doesn't even want us. He might not even want me. Oh, yeah, right. Okay. Wake up! He's, like, all over you all the time. Nina, are you worried because it's been so long? No, Nina, it's just like riding a bicycle...upside down. Okay, look, I still know how to do it, okay? I'm good, I promise you. I'm good in that department, all right? I'm just- - No. I'm worried about how I'll feel in the morning. Sore. Rich. Why don't we just cut him in? All right. Whatever works. Absolutely. But seven years is a really long time, Nina. Let's just leave it that I decide what I think is right, okay? Just get his address for me. Okay. All right. Just breathe. Just like riding a bike, Nina. Just like riding a bike. [knocks on door] Okay. You like riding a bike. You ain't rode a bike in a while, but it's gonna be okay. Hi. - Hi. Hi there. Wow. Um... you mind if I come in? It's--it's kinda late. Um, maybe we could-- [Woman] Barry, who is it? I'm sorry. I didn't know about your mom. She needs someone to take care of her. Um, maybe we could... go out somewhere sometime. Why? Why? Cards on the table, huh? Don't you think? [sighs] What happened to us is we found a way to get what we wanted. I mean, have you ever thought about it? What if you could have what you wanted? I think about it all the time. So what do you want? Wow. I'm so sorry. What the hell is the matter with you? I--I beg your pardon? Are you demented? That is a fantastic woman. I know. Well? Are you afraid of her? - No. I'm a little afraid of you at the moment. I don't think you're gay. Thank you. Yeah, so you get the girl, you get the money. So what's the problem, huh? Okay. He'll join up. He wants a full share. He just doesn't want sex with you to be part of the deal. You're kidding. No. It's possible I'm gonna have a stroke, and they're gonna find the words "I told you so" blocking the blood to my brain. He says you're worth more than that. He said that? Yes. Oh, he sounds like a great guy. Yeah. You should just tell him that you really want to. Now? Yeah. He probably thinks I'm-- I told Prince Charming I'm a whore. He didn't say that. I told him I'm a whore. No, no, no. Come on. Nina, he didn't say that. Don't get neurotic. I mean, really. - Yeah. Okay, forget about it. Okay, forget it. All right? We're back in business. There's a random search on Thursday. So Friday, yeah? Works for me. Okay, is that it, Friday? Friday's good, right? - Yes. This one's yours, right? Yeah, thank you. Look, I really owe you an apology. You did what you thought you had to. No. I'm not... like that. And I know you probably think that-- Maybe you got the wrong message here. I never said I didn't want you. I just didn't want you like that. Well, look, maybe we could just... start from scratch. [sighs] Aah! Oh, my God! Oh! Sorry. - Excuse us. No, no, that's fine. I'm actually very sorry. [Nina] We'll be out in a minute. No, no, please, take your time. Are you kidding me? Everything's great. Yeah, we got federal crimes, a house full of loot, and now people having sex in our closet. I know. Oh, come on, Bridget. Are you really fine with all this? Well, actually, I'm sort of hoping she'll finally lighten up a bit and let us start spending some of this money. [pushes suitcase under bed] What? I don't know. Maybe I just wanted a job. What? Actually, I thought I was losing her. And all I could think of doing was try to make her need me again. All right, everyone, listen up. What you need is a boyfriend. Hold up. - Excuse me? What you need is to not-- A rich one. Someone who's out of town a lot, gets you gifts, pays for your kids' tuition at a fancy private school. And what you need is a job. Hey, man, I'm looking, all right? Day trading, all right? On-line. If anybody asks, you're into short-term futures. If somebody wants a tip just tell them the market's way too volatile. Can you write that down? Yes. Barry, your mom's gonna get a big insurance settlement. Huge. Of course I will be doing freelance corporate consulting out of our house, which we will have to remodel. Okay. There you are. We all have jobs we need to do or the appearance thereof. Isn't he just great? Hot damn. We're finally organized crime. # I used to go out to parties # # And stand around # It's kinda hard to think of ourselves as bank robbers. # To really get down # [laughs] # But my body # # Yearned to be free # # I went off on the floor # # So somebody could choose me # # No more standing # It got be kinda like a job. Hmm. # Beside the wall # # Now I got myself together, baby # Of course we had problems, you know? Like where to put it all. [laughs] # There's always a chance # We had it down to a science. The perfect money machine. # Move your body, oh, baby # # And dance all night # # To the grooving # # Feel all right # Aw. # Oh, yeah # Money... ...can buy you... happiness. Don't let anybody tell you different. What is Marjorie gonna say about that, huh? Oh! I am so happy for you! Are you? Everything is wonderful. Thank you. Bridget, the good stuff. The good stuff, thank you. The good stuff! You're so funny! Hi, Bridget. - Hi. Hello. Hi. How are you? Good to see you. Oh, hi! [Woman] Oh, how are you? Hey. - Huh? You having fun? - Yeah. You're not gonna believe this. - What? Tom Gaffney just offered me a job. Senior VP, head of a division. [gasps] They're impressed by how well I've been doing as a consultant. Take it, Don. You think? - Yeah. Is it weird wanting to sit in an office all day when you don't have to? You're a manager. You need something to manage. It's a pay cut. We're gonna have to pretend to be living on less. Yeah, I know. You know, you could quit. Seriously. I mean, we could survive being upper middle class for a while, right? Honey, I don't know. I hate cleaning toilets, but the money is so good. Well, think about it. Do you know that guy? No. Why? I don't know. Oh, my God! Oh! This is so exciting! Oh, my God! [Nina] - Thank you. Thanks. - Ring, ring, ring! [Don] Good for you guys. [Don] Oh, that's great. [Jackie] Yes, girl! Uh-huh! Green-level employees, like this young lady here, are not allowed in red-level areas. Transitions to red-badge areas are modeled after Federal maximum security prisons. ...red IDs to ascend beyond the cameras. [Jackie] It was that guy... showing up. The thing about a perfect machine, though, is you drop in one loose screw... Bam! [Agent, spilling drink] Oh! Jesus! I just came from the loading dock. I was dropping off a cart, when all of a sudden, Glover comes out of nowhere-- Aah! - Aah! Shh! - Quiet! [muffled] Just be quiet. Just be quiet. Okay. What did you mean, "We're busted"? This guy was looking at me very strangely. [groans] I take my feelings seriously . Okay, Jackie, but let's try not to panic, okay? Yeah, yeah. You said you never saw him before, right? You don't know why he could be here. It could be nothing. It is not nothing. All right, we're just going to try and find out, all right? Okay? All right. Okay. Ah! Service employees who need access to red-level areas are given yellow I.D. badges. A yellow badge is only allowed in secure areas under red-level supervision. Yellow badge employees are given a rigorous screening in national databanks for criminal and psychiatric history. It turns out they're all crazy. [laughs] That's a joke. Whoa, whoa. Aah! Whoopsie! Oh, I think we're all safe in this room, don't you? Uh-huh. [Glover] Let's go right. Moving on. Step right this way. So as you can see, there is simply no opportunity for theft, which is why there's never been a theft of even a single note at this facility and there never will be. Right. Look, these are not white-collar people. They would have to physically steal the money, which I just told you is impossible. You're talking about women who... change trash bags. They push carts around, drop paper in a hole eight hours a day. You got to admit it's kind of impressive, though. Impressive? Yeah, I mean, these people have managed to acquire enormous sums of unaccounted for cash, and no one can figure out how. Isn't that odd? Are you a little curious about that? Yes. So what we need to do is get the KCPD on them, find out what they're up to. We have...for months. You've been watching them for months... and nobody told me? Yeah. We believe one of your staff has been compromised. We had to assume the entire security squad was corrupt. How the hell dare you come in here slinging allegations when you have nothing? No evidence. They could have gotten this money any number of ways. They--they could be involved with drugs, computer crime? Well, they could have gotten it turning in cans for deposit, but they work at a bank. Actually, your bank. You listen to me. I run the tightest lockdown this side of Fort Knox! And until you can prove otherwise, you get your glorified paper-pushing ass out of here and let some real men do their damn jobs! You know, I hope for your sake you're right, and I hope this place is as airtight as you seem to wanna believe it is, and I hope that you're not a part of a conspiracy to steal from the Federal Government, because that would be a crime punishable to the fullest extent of the law. You will be held accountable. He's a Federal Bank examiner. Mindy Arbogast called of course. He's talking to all of our neighbors. What was he asking? How we make our money. What I do for a living. Are you sure it's the same guy from the party? Yes. Yes, I am sure it's the guy from the party. All right. What we need to do is we need to talk to a lawyer. We'll give ourselves up. We are not going to do that. Mm-mmm. No. No, no, honey, listen to me. Look, we still have most of the money, right? So we'll give it back, and we'll negotiate some kind of, you know, suspended sentences or something like that, all right? Don, I can't do that. We cannot do that. Bridget, please. Look... We have so few cards to play. Honey, it's not shoplifting. It's a federal crime. Don! We can't turn ourselves in because... they're gonna take Nina's kids away. And, uh... she'd kill me. No. Bob... it is not a surveillance blimp. Don? [groans] Don't worry. I'll call you right back. I'm going to jail. No. No. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I am telling you if they had any evidence, they would have arrested us already, and they're just fishing. So I'm saying we were careful, correct? Everybody spent within the cover stories, right? Do investments count as spending? What investments? You said be a day trader. No, we didn't. Oh, boy! We said pretend to be a day trader. - Yeah. Well, I was... you know, getting into character, right? And I set up this portfolio. The Bob Fund. Oh, good God! - And, uh... I am making 17%. Did you ever invest amounts greater than $10,000 at one time? Oh, hell yeah! - You did. Like big mondo chunks, man! Yeah, totally! I'm looking to make the large green, hombre. You think I like thinking of my wife on her feet from nine to five every day ripping off the government? This is bad, right? Transactions over $10,000 are automatically reported to the IRS! How many times do I have to say that? Well, I didn't-- I didn't know that. Look, you cannot blame me for things I didn't know. That would not be fair. All right, look, it doesn't prove one thing. They can't arrest us without evidence. What about the piles of cash in our houses? I mean, you don't think that might be a little problem? Uh, well-- We're gonna have to get rid of it...tonight. No. We'll take it with us. We'll run. We'll get new identities. Good. - No. Shut up, will you? What do you mean run? To where? What so we tell our kids? Like they ever call us? It's too late. - They're already watching us. There was blimp over our house. - Bob! Come on. Bridget, please. We worked so hard. And that's it? Whew! We'll be all right. We'll be all right. She'll--she'll do it... really. Did you say 17%? 17%. My God, that's unbelievable. What, are you mad, babe? This is crazy. Listen, Nina, I know cops from work, how they do things. What happens when they don't have enough evidence is they try and get one of us to roll over against the other, testify. The thing is they only need one. Whoever rolls over first gets the deal. First-time offender, single mom, they might deal you down to probation if you roll now, alone. I can't-- I can't do that. We're all grownups here. We did what we did. The boys... you should know how it works. We could do it, you know. Get away. I don't want to. No? I mean, I'm sorry, but I-- I can't live with it just hanging over us the rest of our life. I'm not sorry we did it, but I really... I'd really like this part to be over. Hang on. Yeah, we are in a police state. No, we're not in a police state. Yeah, we are. It's like 1989. What? No! Oh, no! God, what an idiot. [shredding] Honey, I need more. [toilet flushes] [hair dryer blowing, stops] [gas hisses] Mom? [shredding] [shredding] [dog barking] Okay. Shh. Quiet. Shh. Rufus. Good Rufus. Okay. They're on the move. [roaring] [hair dryer blowing] [Jackie] Wow. [laughs] [Bob] Beautiful, doll. [helicopter approaching] Uh-oh. This is the police. Stop your vehicle. [sirens] ...stop your vehicle. Exit with your hands above your head. Now we're under surveillance. [tires screech] [siren] Freeze! KCPD! Keep your hands where we can see 'em! Freeze! KCPD! Drop it! Drop it! Hold it! Don't you move! [Boy] Mom, what's going on? Stay in the house, boys. Mom? We're going in. You stay put. Wow. Nice house. [toilet flushes] Kansas City Police! Up here. Hi. Um... I don't suppose anyone's seen my wife. No? [chuckles] Okay... Miss... Capone. King room, no smoking. You'll be putting this on which card? I'm paying in cash. We still need a credit card for incidentals. There won't be any incidents, will there? [clears throat] No, ma'am. Room 412. Right through there. You need to help yourself here. Yeah, well, I want to see a lawyer. Donde my abogato. Just tell us how they did it. Did you hear me? Lawyer. L-a-y... w...e...r. She left you, man. Your wife ditched you. What are you gonna do about that? Wish her well? Your children are at the Child Welfare offices. When you're indicted, we'll put them into the foster care system. Now, the district attorney can help you if you help him. Hi. Hey. How much? How much what? How much did you take? I'm not sure I know what you mean. Why? How much do you think I took? We have no idea. Really? That's right. You don't know? - Nope. Oh. Good. You can't arrest me. You're a bank examiner. That's right. - Right. Well, you've done your homework. What do you want? I guess I wanna know what makes someone like you decide to do something like this? Well, I have a theory. - Mm-hmm. Crime is contagious. Oh, brother. He is a piece of work. Oh, yeah. Look in the camera. Greetings, Earthlings. You know those two amazing women-- amazing-- that they just arrested, and--and their families and my husband? They never really had a shot. I mean, they kept trying, and they did their best, but what did they really get out of it? A gigantic untraceable fortune. Prove it. Hello? I've been told you want a deal. Yes. It should have been a little faster. Who? The girl. Kind of a hinky plea bargain. She says the deal is you get the walk. Full immunity. She tells us everything if you get to go home to your kids. Go figure people. What do you want? Bridget, I didn't-- I need a lawyer. I don't do criminal work, Bridget. [gasps] You take that out of this house this minute. You know, not everybody is like you. Some of us have morals and standards-- Shut up, Mindy! I'm a tax attorney. I know that. Excuse me. What's going on here? Was she represented? Deal's done. I am this woman's attorney. You're what? The deal wasn't with her. It was with one of the other suspects. I represent them all. And I need to confer with my clients...now. Wait right here. You have no case against my clients. We have a confession. She'll recant. They all will. What about the money, the cars, the houses? There's no law against having money. Can you prove they stole it? Of course they stole it. Did they? These women robbed your bank for three years without setting off a single alarm? Is that what happened, Mr. Glover? According to our records, all currency that was due to be destroyed... was destroyed. The Fed is a totally secure institution. We watch everyone... everywhere... every minute. [groans] It is impossible to remove currency from our system. There's no evidence the crime was even committed. You should never have arrested them. Not so fast, counselor. IRS. Ever hear of U.S. Code Section 7201? [sighs] Yeah. Well, Bridget, you were right. You didn't pay taxes. On stolen money? I didn't hear that. The IRS is offering what I consider... a good deal. No jail time. [Don] Oh! Oh, thank you! But the fines and the penalties will wipe you out. You can walk away from this if... you walk empty-handed. [siren] [chattering] I didn't think we'd be coming out of there. Christ, Arbogast, he is so good. I had no idea. You didn't really think that I would leave you in there, did you? Yeah. [laughing] One hell of a ride, huh? Yeah. Hell of a ride. Bye-bye. - Bye. Bye, Nina. Barry. [Nina] Come on, boys. # [blues] Hey, Junior. - Hey, hey. Long time no see. I know. The place is looking nice. Yes, it is, isn't it? Hey, Bridget. Oh! Jackie! - Jackie! How you doing, girl? I've missed you. How was the honeymoon? Was it? Yeah, tell. Two very fine days. That's it. Oh, and the five of us crammed up in that tiny apartment. Boy, you really got have a good sense of humor. And we got the two incomes, so... I can't complain. Wow. - Wow. Well, Bob got his job back. - Okay! And I'm waitressing. And we figure in five years, we're going to South America. We're driving all the way to the bottom. There you go. Junior-- - There you go, ladies. This one's on the house. Like old times. No shit. We're going back to... work? Bob has access to a lot of beef. No. No. No. Okay. - Yes, no. Okay. But we're moving. To the Caribbean. We're gonna open a little bed-and-breakfast. I'm gonna cook. Don's gonna manage it of course. We've been talking about this for years. But we're just kinda waiting until it's not.., so hot. Hot? It's chilly out. Yeah. Hey, wait. Did you ever hear that expression "mad money?" My mother used to say, "Every woman should keep a little mad money tucked away just in case." Do you use mad money when you go mad or when you get mad? Why don't you decide for yourself? Junior? [Junior] Uh-huh! - Come on. Watch your step. Do you know? - No. What are you up to? Why are we down here? Relax. You just have to have a little patience. Does this look familiar? Oh! Holy shit! - Oh! Who did it? - I did! Me! Oh, my God! You sneaky criminal mastermind! [all] Oh! # And she want to give it up # # Until you give it just a lot of love # # Those girls are so dangerous # # It's enough to make a lover broke # # Now do you want that love? # # Do you need that love? # # It's gonna make you run # # It's gonna make your world # # Oh, now do you want that love? # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # That love # # In magazines # # Checking out some kind of scene # # Can't afford to book the credit thing # # Before she know it, then she in for Gs # # Now don't take it personal # # If you're running with this kind of girl # # I'm sure she's gonna rock your world # # Like the way she rock me, girl # # Now do you want that love? # # Do you need that love? # # It's gonna make you run # # It's gonna make your world # # Oh, do you want that love? # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # She want everything # # She want the Gucci and the Lou Vitton # # All the juicy and canary bloom # # She want the kind of things with dollar signs # # And she won't give it up # # Until you give her just about enough # # Those girls are so dangerous # # It's enough to make a lover broke # # Now do you want that love? # # Do you need that love # # It's gonna make you run # # It's gonna make your world # # Oh, now do you want that love? # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # That love is a whole new song # # I'm sure she gonna rock your world # Subtitles by LeapinLar previously on "moonlight"... I was a medic back in world war ii. Multiple gunshot wounds were common. I know you must be older, but you look about 30. I'm gonna be 85 this november. It can't be all that bad to live forever. Yeah, but it's not so fun to experience things alone. I haven't been in a romantic relationship with a human since I became a vampire. What happens when a vampire thinks he's about to be exposed? He moves on, starts all over. As long as you're involved with mick and you work at "buzzwire," his secret will always be in nger. I have something to tell you. I quit "buzzwire." If you hadn't been a vampire, I'd have died 23 years ago. Being a vampire isn't all you are. I got your message. Wow, look at you. Thanks for coming by so early. Get you a coffee? - Yeah. - All right. - Hey, how's it going? - Two coffees. So how's unemployment treating you? I know quitting "buzzwire" was the right decision, but I don't know. Being noble and unemployed isn't everything you dreamed it would be? Thanks. I have been baking... a lot. I'm sure. Let's sit here. So you, um... you hear about the little boy who was abducted last night? I covered two similar kidnapping cases for "buzzwire" last year. Do you think it's the same guy? I do. Yeah, so pulled your reports. Very well researched. They're really insightful. Didn't help. The boys were still found dead within a week of their abductions, and the cops never caught the guy. Well, that's why I want you to come with me-- take a look at the crime scene. Oh, I'm not a profiler. No, but you've already done the legwork on the last two victims. There's gotta be some kind of connection. Maybe you'll see something we're missing. How could you not know a roche-bobois couch from a manutti? You invite me to a night on the town. I'm thinking jazz, cigars, maybe a fresh-from-the-vein pitcher of sangria, not window-shopping for couches. so sue me.My new office is almost ready, and I just fired my bonehead designers. I mean, 4:00 A.M. Really is the best time to browse. So are we gonna find your designers at the bottom of the tar pits? Nick, please. I don't have the energy to kill everyone who pisses me off. I have to hire some people. Oh, blood, juice, day, night-- you know, a few weeks as a human, and my body still can't work out what it wants. Yeah, well, blood orange juice must be particularly confusing. Well, I'm sorry about your jet lag... or maybe I should say human lag. But I am feeling the call of subzero oblivion. ******** this is my son jacob. He just turned 6. He's 45 pounds, just under 4 feet... you are positively pavlovian where that girl is concerned. Brown hair, brown eyes... please, whoever you are, bring my son back. mick! You're not here with "buzzwire"? No, talbot asked me to come. Why are you here? I grew up in this neighborhood. - You grew up here? - Beth? Go ahead. - Are you okay? - Yeah. Okay. josef thought it was seeing beth that drew me here, but it wasn'T. It was the house and the people who once lived in it-- my buddy ray, his wife lilah. Mick? Keep an eye on him. You know he trips over his own shoelaces. Well, if he does, I'll be there to pick him up. be safe, ray. I love you. I'll be home soon, lilah. You can count on that. we'd been friends all our lives. I loved them... and then I betrayed them. Moonlight Season01 Episode15 all the detectives are upstairs. Uh, I'm actually A... I'm a private investigator. Mick st. John. - Robert fordham. - Good to meet you, sir. I think there's a mistake. Uh, I didn't call anyone. No, I-I volunteered my help. I-I grew up right down the street. I can't believe this is happening. I'm really very sorry. These your parents? Yeah. My folks passed away a few years ago. You know them? Kind of. I-I didn't know they had any children. Just me. I was a baby boomer. Mr. Fordham, why don't you go have a seat with your wife? - We still have some questions. - Okay. Mr. St.John, I don't know who let you in here-- uh, detective, there's a child missing. We can use all the help we can get. - Thanks. - Yeah. - They'll, uh, finish the interview up in there. - Okay. Had anyone been bothering jacob at school, on the playground? no, he would have told us. You said he was having nightmares. Was he seeing a doctor? No, no. It's nothing like that. He's 6. He has a big imagination. Every little creak he heard was a monster. he--he said he heard tapping coming from the walls. I checked the crawl spaces. I put rattraps in the attic. it's okay. Detective? Okay, you guys, take a minute. Hey,ou mind if I, uh, take a look in the boy's room? Forensics are still working. Come back in a couple hours. Yeah, great. Couple of hours so they can trample anything useful. The cops never found blood or prints at the previous scenes. Hey, do you know robert? What? No, why? I--you're--I don't know. You're acting kind of odd. No. So you think it's the same guy who took the other boys? Well, the M.O.Is exactly the same-- little boy taken from his home while his parents slept. No sign of forced entry. Perp is a ghost. Yeah, or a vampire. Were any of the other victims missing blood? Do you have anyone in mind? Yeah, somebody talbot won't know about. My name didn't ring a bell with robert. I guess I shouldn't be surprised lilah and ray never mentioned me. Damn, this makes k rations seem gourmet. File a complaint. oh, wait a minute. We're in the middle of nowhere fighting germans. This isn't nowhere. It's a forest... in italy. ohh, what I wouldn't give for one of lilah's sunday dinners right now. I mean, not only does she have lana turner's legs and garbo's laugh, but my wife could cook a ham so juicy, it'd tempt a rabbi. ray, stop! Ray saved my life several times, and I sad his a time or two. That's what happens when you're fighting a war. You know, when I, uh, asked you here, it wasn't a group invitation. Oh, I didn't call mick. It just seems wherever one of you goes, the other one isn't far behind. What? Look at the toys. Okay, so the kid's a little O.C.D. No, it's a defensive line. If a monster showed up, he'd have to break through the perimeter and make enough noise to wake jacob. Is that what you did after you were taken as a child? How do you know about that? It's my business to know. Come on. Tell me you didn't google me after we first met, huh? Every vamp knows children's blood is more pure-- less free radicals. But some crave it 'cause they think it tastes better-- like something cooked in butter instead of margarine. Leo is one of those vamps. He's also the nervous type. If jacob heard tapping on the walls, I may have found the mouse. Tell me you didn't take that kid in west adams last night, leo. Mick, you wound me. I'm not some kind of pervert. And I'm not the cops, leo, but I will get the truth before I leave. The only question is easy way... hard way? I didn't take him. Children are a precious gift. I just like their blood. Where do you get it? Runaways mostly. I buy 'em booze and then tap a vein while they're sleeping it off. You kill them? Hell, no. I even leave 'em cash-- more than they'd get at the blood bank. Ask anybody. Leave... the runaways... alone, leo. what kind of monster were you and talbot talking about? Oh, I was just wondering if there is any kind of real-life explanation for jacob's fears. You mean someone he knew? Right, somebody who had a key, like a housekeeper you fired or an angry ex-wife. No. No, there's no one like that. Is that photo from world war ii? Yeah, that's my dad-- ray fordham. His squad was stationed in italy. Robert was a child of the baby boom, all right. Thousands of reunited couples celebrating life had thousands of babies, but robert was only born seven months after ray got home. hey, so I saw a photo of you at robert'S. You were in the war with his father. Why didn't you tell me you wanted to help because you knew the family? Because they could be my family. Your family? How? years before I became a vampire, I was just another soldier in world war ii. Ray was my best friend. In the late summer of 1944, we were fighting together in italy. where's that coming from? That's the road to florence. Okay, let's move out. take cover! Ray, are you in the open? Get over here! ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! It's okay. My legs feel funny. Are they still there? Yeah, of course. Two good legs, and I still gotta run to you. You stay with me, ray, okay? - take care of lilah, okay? - Shut the hell up. You're gonna take care of her yourself. Tell her... that I love her. tell her. I'll tell her, ray. ray? a week later, I woke up in a field hospital, wounded but alive. They told me I was the only one who survived from that patrol, and eight months later, I was back in the states. Of course lilah knew that ray was gone, but... I just- - I needed to see her. We were devastated. And then a week later, the war in europe was over, and there were parades in the streets. There were picnics. Everybody was starting over. mick! Take a break. I swear, you're gonna start fixing things that aren't even broke. I like to keep busy. I know that feeling. It works until I close my eyes at night. You know, I can't believe a woman who built airplanes for three years can't change a fuse. it's not that I can'T. Ray just always used to take care of some things. He wanted me to take care of you. Well, you do, nick. You do. So, uh, you started over with lilah. I know h it sounds. But you... it just... kind of happened. It didn't-- it just happened. So you think robert... how could you not know you had a son? When I left lilah, I had no idea she was pregnant. I checked robert's birthday. It's possible. Why did you leave her? Because ray survived. He was in a coma for months. He lost his dog tags. The army didn't know who he was. When ray turned up, I made myself scarce. What else could I do? I left my best friend for dead, and then I stole his wife. It was wrong. It wasn't wrong if it was love. Was it love? Yeah. Yeah, I think it was. It's getting late. Cops should be done by now. Yeah. Listen, thanks for letting us have a look around on our own. Yeah, well, like I said, you know, C.S.I.And police have combed every inch. I-I don't care who finds jacob, as long as he's found. It's strange to have a son who looks old enough to be your father. You seem... familiar somehow. Oh, he was all over tmz last week. No. Do--do I maybe know your family? No, I don't think so. excuse me. this was a human crime. There's no scent of vampire in here. hey, can't you smell if robert's your son? No. It's not that specific. Can you get a D.N.A.Test? Wouldn't work. My D.N.A.Was fundamentally altered when I became a vampire. What about pre-vamp D.N.A.? I have a lot of skills. Time travel is not one of them. Now what about a lock of hair from a family bible, something like that? Maybe. I didn't keep much from when I was human, though. Is that fingerprint powder? No, it's--it's powdered metal. C.S.I.Has probably bagged a sample. Lucky for us we have the mobile vampire lab. Let's take a look upstairs. Jacob's room... would be right under here. He was here. This is where he watched jacob. And this is the door he came in. Who's had physical access to the attic? we renovated last year. Other than the contractor, there were dozens of workmen. Okay. We're gonna need those names. If he made a secret way into jacob's room, maybe he made a secret way into the house. Or found one that's already here. A lot of these old houses had coal chutes... like this one. And it's a way into the house. It's been opened recently. Once he was in the kitchen, he could take the servants' stairs to the attic and take his time. To take my son. So jacob was right. The monster was in the walls. And in the floors and in the ceilings. how did you know about the coal chute? I grew up in a house like this. Here in L.A.? Yeah. And what school did you go to? You investigating me now? Depends. You got something to hide? No, not anymore. The paparazzi exposed my deepest secrets-- shoe size 10 1/2, favorite color blue. Boxers, not briefs. How did we get on to this delightful subject? We digressed. Look, I know the other two crime scenes were in different parts of the city, but they're all turn-of-the-century victorians. Maybe our guy worked on all of them. You should check and see if they have coal chutes. That would explain how he got in. I'll have our guys check it out. This is, uh, every piece of paper from the renovation last year-- every work order, invoice-- every suspect.That's a lot of names. Well, then we need to get started. Thank you. - Yeah. - thanks. I'll make some coffee. It's after 3:00. You know, why don't you, uh, try to get some sleep? Easier said than done. Robert's D.N.A.One sample down, one to go. You should try to get some rest, too. Yeah, it's hard to sleep knowing jacob's out there with this nut. We'll get him back. We have to. The D.A.'S office will narrow it down. - Ben's got a good team. - "Ben"? - should I be jealous? - Of course. Even if I have no romantic interest in him, your jealousy makes me feel desirable. Maybe I can't time travel, and I definitely don't have a lock of hair in the family bible. But every soldier has to fit his life into a box. This I kept. So robert's contractor's legit, but he hired a lot of labor off the books. So they could either be nice guys from the home depot parking lot or convicted felons. But I did have better luck with the other crime scenes. Both houses have been renovated within the last year. The first victim was taken from a 1911 victorian in ocean park. The second was taken from a 1903 victorian in pasadena. Do they both have coal chutes? No, but ocean park had a wine cellar with an access door, and pasadena had an in-floor heating system riddled with a bunch of old steam tunnels. Both had been sealed up for decades. - Have they both been opened recently? - Yep. I bet you $100 even the owners didn't know those entrances existed. You'd win. You ever think of becoming a civilian investigator? Uh, I did some investigating at "buzzwire," but I'm not a cop. You don't have to be, but, uh, you would have to work for me. Is that a job offer? Yeah, it is. I thought my human past was dead, hidden away in storage. But now I find out it might be alive and well, living in a house in west adams. But only my human D.N.A.Will tell me for sure. Nice footlocker. Did you mug an army guy? Josef. To what do i owe this pleasure? I left my cell phone here yesterday. I spent 400 years without one. Now I can't go a day... so, G.I.Mick, why the trip down memory lane? I need D.N.A.To confirm that I fathered a child with my best friend's wife after the war. Never a dull moment, huh? I'll give you that. Come on. Give me your best shot. I know you're dying to. You want the truth? I'm jealous. See, I've sired plenty of vamps in my day, but, uh... no rug rats... that I know of. Guess they'd all be dust by now, so it's kind of a moot point, but... yeah, you know, it's one of my only regrets... and I don't believe in regrets. That boy who was kidnapped... he might be my grandson. I know. I hope you get the kid back. Your last contribution to the human gene pool, huh? Yeah. I guess he is. Unless you and beth, uh, rewrite the rules of vampire love and figure out how to procreate. Hi, beth. beth's here. What'd you find out? Uh, I think the kidnapper saw the original blueprints of the victims' houses. Yould cou get those online? No, all hard copies are filed at the county assessor's office. He would have had to physically sign them out. Okay. I'll drop you at the hall of records. Oh, you found it? Yeah. Pre-vampire D.N.A. - Well, we should take it to bionalysis. - Okay. oh, the lab promised to rush the D.N.A.Results. We should know by tomorrow. So about what josef said... what, that we can't have a baby? You want to have my baby? What do you think of "elliot" for a boy? I'm kidding. Relax. But I mean, children are a part of most normal human relationships. Our relationship being neither normal nor human. But josef was right. Vampires can't have kids. So... I mean, if it's a al breaker-- I think we're getting ahead of ourselves. I mean, we haven't even slept with each other yet. It may not be any good. Look, let's just focus on getting jacob back, and we'll worry about our children when the time comes. Yeah. Bye. I already went through all this with the police. I understand it's a lot of names, but I need you to try to remember faces, voices, anyone who was off-kilter at all. Hey, hey, it's okay. - just--let's just take a breath. - Okay. Okay? We--we had jacob late in life. He was our little miracle, you know? Just like I was for my folks. Why were you a miracle? 'Cause my father was partially paralyzed when he came back from the war. They didn't think that he could have any kids... and then I came along seven months later. I was the biggest preemie my-- my mother's doctor ever saw. He was big because he wasn't premature. He was mine. Robert, I... how do you tell a man twice your age that you're his father? You don'T. I'm gonna get jacob back. Thank you. just, you know... I never thought that I'd ever have a son, you know? yeah, I know. Okay, so listen, these workmen... were any of them especially interested in jacob? Oh, it's chaos when you're renovating, you know? It's a lot of--aot of dust and noise, people everywhere. Wait a minute. There was this one guy that, well, he liked to work at night. Did--did-- did he ever speak to jacob? Maybe once or twice. I think he did the, uh, the metalwork on the roof. It was, uh, kevin... it was ken... verdolino. Ken verdolino? That's him. hello? have you figured it out yet? Verdolino? Yeah, and you're mick st. John, the P.I.Who drives the old mercedes. You've been watching me? It's what I do. Where's jacob? Jacob's mine now. Stay away. We can talk about this in person, ken. Come on. How about I talk to your blonde friend instead? She's lonely all by herself among the files and the bookshelves. I always did like the smart girls. hello? Hey, I'm still in here. Can you turn the lights on, please? hello? flashlight. hello? hello? Beth! Beth! You okay? mick, there's somebody in there. He's watching me. Listen to me. His name is ken verdolino. He's the guy who took jacob, okay? You have to stay here. - Listen. Stay here. - Okay. okay, I got it. Thank you. He's long gone. If you keep sneaking up on me like that, I am gonna mace you one of these days. Well, it's only a matter of time. Who was that? It was ben. He's got verdolino's adadess from the D.M.V. It's 1532 hobart in west adams. He's getting a search warrant. Why don't we pull verdolino's blueprints while we're here? This is them? 1532 hobart? That's right under the freeway. And there's a basement. That's gotta be where he's holding jacob. Let's go. Mick, wait. Mick. Mick! I know this boy means a lot to you, but we should wait for the warrant. You want to play it by the book while this guy could be moving jacob or worse? I-I just don't want you to spook him. He might do something desperate. I know what I'm doing. ************ they tore houses down years ago to make room for the freeway, but they left scars behind-- basements for monsters to hide in. Cops are on their way. You let jacob go, you can walk out of here alive. Verdolino likes the dark. Fine by me. Ken verdolino! L.A.P.D.! Open up! Break it down. Clear! Clear! ****** I know how you feel, ken-- always on the outside looking in, always alone, always in the dark. that's why I can't let him go. We all have to learn there's nothing to fear in the dark. You think kidnapping him and terrorizing him is therapy? Clear! - I thought st. John said verdolino was re. - He did. Yeah, but no sign of either of 'em. No, I saw mick's car outside. He's still here somewhere. Once jacob gets over his fear, he's free to go. How can he get over his fear when he's cold and alone? Life's cold, mick. It's a harsh lesson we all gotta learn. Actually, you're pretty close. Closer than you think. Where's jacob? You tell me where he is now! - Oh, my god! - He's got a gun! Why aren't you scared? - It's over. - So it is. And now jacob's gonna die alone and scared because of you. No! - Come on! - okay, come on, come on. Let's go. Jacob? Jacob! Jacob, if you can hear me, you gotta make a noise, buddy. Jacob? Beth, hold on. There's nothing here. You heard the gunshots. He's here. I know he's here. Yeah, all right. Jacob, you gotta give me a sign! Come on, kid. jacob. Wait. Beth, beth. Guys! Guys, I found something! jacob? Jacob! jacob. Come on, jacob, breathe. Breathe! okay. Okay. Come on. there's someone moving down there. It's mick st.John. I have jacob. It's st. John. Stand down. - Clear me! - You're clear. - Where e ththparamedics? - There. - Where's verdolino? - He killed himself. You're okay. he's gonna be okay. the D.N.A.Test. The lab sent it over this morning. robert's not my son. Good for you, ray. - I'm sorry. - No. No, this is the way it's supposed to be. I just didn't know how much I wanted a family until I almost had one, you know? Family's not only about D.N.A. jacob. Hey, buddy. - look, it's mick. - I know, I know. I-I just saw him pull up. We'll go say hi. No, in the picture. "The Nearness of You" * it's not the pale moon that excites me * * and thrills and delights me * * oh, no * * it's just the nearness of you * Triad Members don't look too far ahead Nine out of ten end up dead But Lee was still relieved each time he woke up from a dream where he was on the run then one day... when he thought he was dreaming but he just couldn't wake up because it was no longer a dream. Today is Lee Tin-Yun's funeral The sun is shining outside the church The birds are singing with gospel choir There's no police waiting to arrest him... no scenes of blood and violence Lee would never... have guessed that he would have such a decent burial Boss Lee, we've come to pay our respects! Bow once! Twice! Kong... - Let me finish first - Bow three times! We're in a church! Let's talk outside! Come on Let's go A cinerary casket - Where? - There. Lee's death spawned a slew of rumors Some say he jumped into the sea to commit suicide Others say he was shot dead... during a drug bust But it didn't matter how he died as long as... the status quo was kept in the underworld That's why the 4 elders from the syndicate have come to... deliver Lee to his final resting place... right next to his mother As for Lee and his mother... They've ever been at peace... with each other until now Why can't you study? ! All you do is getting into fights! Flying dragon... Dragon's call 1 8 dragon fists Ironically, Lee became a seasoned fighter... - by fighting with... - The Buddha's palm! - his mother. - I'll give you a couple! Why can't you listen? He never learned who his father was And he never asked They left China for Hong Kong when he was two Everyone called his mother Auntie Ying Her father taught her Chinese medicine... Gang members came to her to treat their injuries Hide it from your mother! He didn't care if he had a father He just couldn't understand... why his mother... let gang members into her home... but wouldn't let her son join a gang She took care of all her patients but... could never fix what was ailing her son - Hang in there, boss... - Aunt Ying! - Have a seat first, boss... - Aunt Ying! Leave me alone! Aunt Ying... Hurry! Aunt Ying... You'll die in the gutter! What did I ever do to deserve... a son like you? ! Aren't you tired of saying the same thing! Then why do you keep coming back! You're going to end up dead on the streets! - You cursed me! - Bend over! You're hurting me on purpose! - Do you want to get better or not? - It hurts! Shut up! Lee didn't end up dead on the streets Along with his friends, Big Eyes and Big Mouth... he took over the streets and eventually all of Kowloon The name "Tiger Lee" became synonymous with 4 things: being loyal, brave, mean and tough To date, I own 3 real estate companies... 4 loan operations, 5 massage parlors... 7 gambling dens, 1 0 bars and... an army of 300 men What's so funny, Four Eyes? Were you laughing at me? I wasn't Hi. You must be Brian Junior. - I'm Lisa. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. Our daughter, Kiki, is in the living room watching a movie. - Do you wanna join her? - Okay. - She's right around the corner. - All right. - You're kidding me, right? - What? Look, Lisa, I told you that Daisy already watched him for two hours at the office. I'm fine watching him. What I'm not fine with is that the Darlings think this is part of your job. - No. You and me both... - You're a lawyer! Hey. - I know! - You always said your dad sacrificed his family to take care of every crazy thing the Darlings wanted. And now here you are, you're bringing home this kid. You're babysitting! - Look... Lisa, I know this sounds crazy. - You know that, right? But right now this is the best way for me to get to the bottom of things, okay? I need to do my job. - That's Karen. - Of course. Take it. She probably wants you to wash her pet tiger or insure her solid-gold toilet or something very reasonable like that. It could be important. Hey, I said take it. Tell her "hi. " Hey, Karen, what's up? Nick. Hi. It's me. Can you hear me? No, not really. I need you to do me a favor. What? - I need you to do me a favor! What's up, baby? - Nothing, nothing. I love you! Yeah, I love you, too. I need you to tell Freddy he can't be in the picture tomorrow. Mommy says no and I just don't have the heart to tell him. Do you think you can handle that? Look, Karen. It isn't really my job to tell your fiancé he can't be in some photo shoot for a fashion magazine. I never thought it was your job, Nick. I'm asking you as a friend. Nick? - Okay, I'll do it. - Thank you. You're my hero. Okay, bye. That did sound very, very, very important. Yeah. Look, if you are ever going to get to the bottom of things, you need to stop avoiding the obvious. - Like talk to Letitia? - Yeah. I won't let you do it. I won't let you push that boy into the Senate for the sake of your almighty family name. You've pushed him his whole life to try to make up for what happened to your brother, Kenneth. - It's not right. - It is what's best for him. You know he has issues - that will come out... - Issues? Our married son has affairs with transsexuals, and you stand there calling them "issues"? Don't lecture me in that tone. Can't someone in this family, besides me, live in the light of the simple truth? Someone, anyone? Oh, God. I wish Dutch was here. Why? Why do you wish Dutch were here? Because I miss the days when there was somebody in this family who knew the difference between power and love. In this family? You know what I mean. Oh, God. Excuse me? Thank you. So... Who's up there? Hmm? You went up to find out who's in the penthouse! Oh, it's... It's nobody. It's... - Some chef. - A chef? What kind of chef stays at the penthouse at the Argyle Hotel? It's some dude from Belgium. He's here to cook for the United Nations. What? God, this place is really changing. - See you tomorrow at the shoot? - Oh, no, you won't. - Why not? - Because I won't be appearing - with the family anymore. - Ah, come on, Jules. There's gonna be lions. Live lions. - Come on. - I don't care. - Thank you. - Okay. I'm on my own now. Are you paying for this place out of your own pocket? - What do you mean? - I mean, this isn't independence. - Okay? Dad's paying for it. - What's your problem? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look. You should... You should... You should come tomorrow and you should be in the picture. And then you should come home. We should both get the hell out of here. Later. Have you always known about the affair? No, actually, I just found out a few days ago. The two of you were real good at maintaining appearances. Well, it started as a necessity and then became a lifestyle. Who told you? - Karen? - Yeah. - Does Tripp know? - Why? The police think that my father's plane may have been tampered with. - Are you serious? - Yeah. It's not clear at all. I mean, we'll know more once the NTSB reports comes back, but if Tripp did know about the affair, I just thought that maybe he... I see. No, I have no idea if he knew. Your father, Nick. Your father was my great love. So... - How could Tripp not have known? - I know! I've thought the same thing. But, Nick, for the past forty years, I've read every look on his face like it was code, wondering if he was gonna come down to bed and ask me or tell me he knew or... He never did. Do you think he's capable of murder? We're all capable of everything. You know, Tripp's faith in God has always been shaky. He puts his faith in facts. He... He believes in history, keeps track of everything. If he did know about the affair, he would have written about it in his journal. He keeps it in his desk. - And you've never looked at it? - No, no. I've always been too frightened to find out how much I've hurt him. Why is that? Because... I love him, too. Please tell me none of the Darlings called. Just the lion wrangler. Am I supposed to know what you're talking about? No one told you? Apparently, there are gonna be lions at the photo shoot. But you need to figure out the insurance first. - Live lions? - I know. Crazy. So what do you want me to do? I guess we should get some lion insurance. Did Brian Junior's mother ever call back? - No. - And did you solve Juliet's problem - with the photo shoot? - When did all this become our job? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Tell me about it. I'll see you. Mr. George? Hey, Maria. Yes? Okay, so look, I just took this journal from Mr. Darling's desk and you probably saw me, and I don't want you to think I was doing something that I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. So... I need this, for... It's something to do with the family. Very high-priority matter. I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between, just in between, you and me, for the sake of security, family security. - Five hundred. - Five hundred what? Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Five hundred. Sure. Here. Five hundred. Here you go. Hey, tell you what, how about a thousand? Five hundred is plenty. Okay. All right. Here you go. Fantastic. Okay. Thank you. There were quite a few times I walked in on your father getting away with things. He put my daughter Alejandra through college. Med school. You find anything? Nothing that indicates with absolute certainty that Tripp knew anything about the affair. There's lots of stuff in here about poetry and Arctic expeditions, but barely any mention of Dad or, for that matter, Letitia. Not even on the day your dad died? Yeah, actually, that's the one thing that's kind of odd. Check it out. Look at this. - What the heck did that say? - I don't know. But why did he cross it out? Kiki! Hey, Kiki! - How's he doing? - He's all right. I think he's a little discombobulated. Did you get a hold of his mom or is he spending the night, maybe staying forever? Are we gonna adopt him perhaps? No, I called her, like, five times. She never returned. And the last time I called, I got this recording saying the number's out of service. - Take a look at this. - What is it? The kids were drawing pictures this afternoon. He did this one of his mom at this giant waterfall. Well, he's a better artist than Tripp. He said this is in Brazil, which is where she's going. She's going to Brazil? - Yeah, I thought it was imagination. - Great. You know? I mean... Well, do me a favor and imagine that she hasn't already gone to Brazil. - She's gone. - Who? - The mother of your son. - What are you talking about? That address you gave me? I just came from there, Brian. The landlady said she left last night, sold everything, went to Brazil. What are you gonna do about the kid? You know, it's funny, Brian, I just came here to ask you the same question! You know, your father was a cash-sucking leech. But at least he wasn't willfully stupid, or self-righteous, or whatever it is that makes you show up here expecting me to be nice to you. I'm not gonna claim that kid, Nick. Even if you leave him on my frigging doorstep, okay? Good night, God bless. Why doesn't Daddy live here? It's so much bigger. Well, that's because he lives near the church where he works. But today he has to be here to get his picture taken. - Come on. - Daddy doesn't want me, does he? Hey. Brian, listen. Sometimes daddies get confused. But sometimes, when a daddy gets around his own daddy, things get less confusing very, very quickly. Hey, I want to show you something. Come here. Up. - What is it? - You'll see. Welcome to the family, kid. - Nick! - Hey. - Where have you been? - Where have you been? I've been living my life. Where have you been? You have to tell Freddy he can't be in the picture. - I'm sorry, I forgot. - Nice. - Who is this? - Rebecca Colfax, family publicist. - Who are you? - Nick George, family lawyer. Oh. Well, this photo is probably the most important thing that's gonna happen in this campaign. People will be voting for the Darlings as much as they'll be voting for Patrick. And Mr. Darling told me you'd be here to set a tone. - So get in there and set it. - Okay. Hey, Brian. This nice lonely lady is gonna get you some cake, okay? - Thank you! - Can you get it cake? Freddy, you're a golfer, so I'm gonna give it to you straight. - Hit me. - You can't be in the picture. - Who says? Karen? Her mother? - I do. I'm sorry. It's nothing against you, it's just family politics. - You're still in love with her. - What? You. You're still in love with her. Freddy, it's just a picture in a magazine for women and girls, what's the big freaking deal? Fine. You know what? You can keep me out of the picture, Nick, okay? But you can't keep me out of the picture. Got it? Karen is mine. He's still in love with you. Hi. Thanks for taking care of that. Not a problem. Why didn't you cancel this? Well, I didn't want to ruin it for everyone. And just because we're taking a picture does not mean that I'm running. You can't keep pleasing your father forever. Tell him no and move on. - Completely... - Still no luck with the briefcase, huh? I've been kind of busy. I'm just getting around to it. Yeah? And what's going on with the Juliet situation? I haven't seen her here yet. Oh, that's fine. I solved that one. - What does that mean? - You'll see. Bye! What a circus. "But yet I know, where'er I go "That there hath passed away a glory from the earth" What a glory your Uncle Kenneth was, cupcake. - Who is this girl? - Bring in the lions! Beautiful! Hold it. - Magnificent. - One minute, dream-kids! Has anyone seen my journal? I've been looking for it all morning. I can't imagine where I could have set it down. Tish? No. I haven't seen it, dear. Have you come across an orange journal during your stay with us? What? Do you think I stole it? - You're... You're not my sister. - Duh! - Nick, is this travesty your idea? - Technically, no, but I did... - I asked you to set a tone. - And I'm trying, Tripp, I'm trying. It... Excuse me. What do you think you're doing bringing him here where my whole family can see him, - where my father can see him? - I'm sorry. Is that a problem? - Hi, Daddy. - Shh! Who is this unnamed youth? He's an orphan whose parents were killed in a bullet train accident in Sweden. - Could he have taken my journal? - Oh, no. I don't think so. No. Why would he take your journal, Tripp? Perhaps he thought it was filled with arcane secrets and treasure maps. It's that kind of object. Does he speak English? No. Just Swedish. I was on the Nobel Peace Prize Committee in 1990. It was a fascinating experience. Is he deaf? Was he in the train with his parents when it crashed? Look, I took it! Okay? I took... I took the journal. I took it. I'm sorry. - I took it. I'm sorry. - Why would you take my journal? I took it because I wanted to figure out... What? Who killed my dad. And you... You thought it might be me? Is that why you stole my journal? Well, I thought that... What possible reason could I have had to do such a thing? He was my best friend. I don't understand. You all right? Don't even pretend to be concerned, Tripp. Just say what you came to say. - I'm astounded. - By what? That someone could be so mistaken. I know. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I mean, it's not even Nick's, really. I'm sure blaming someone must be an attractive notion in the face of such hideous randomness, even when it's so obviously groundless. - I'm sure. - But still, it's such an extravagant accusation to make. To think even. Yes. Please. I know that you miss Dutch as much as I do. And I know this is a terrifically hard time. But we'll get through it. We'll get through it together. You and me and Nick. Thank you for coming to find me. I have to rest. Brian, would you just wait a minute? What are you gonna do? Hit me? - Hey, look. I just want to talk. - I didn't kill your dad. Look. Brian, it's just... Look, Brian, just listen to me for a second. Every minute that I spend working with this family is another minute that I find out I didn't know my father at all. - That's not my fault. - And that's not the point. Don't do that to your son. Let him get to know you while there's still time. - I can't. - Yeah, you can. Go home, tell the truth, figure it out. For the sake of your only son. - Don't do that again. - What? That "only son" thing, it's stupid. Could you check and see if I have some mail, please? - Juliet Darling. - No problem. Thank you. Jeremy? Hey! - What are you doing here? - I was just going to surprise you. - You didn't tell me you were coming. - That's crazy. Uh... - Surprise. - Hi. Silly. - How was the photo shoot? - It was... It was... It was a trip. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. - Did everybody miss me? - We did. But you know, it was kind of like you were there. Like, we... We did. We felt your presence. Oh. Good. - Guess what? - What? The guest in the penthouse isn't a Belgian chef, is Natalie Kimpton. And she's been staying there all month. Natalie... - Why'd you lie to me? - I didn't want to bum you out. Don't lie to me, Jeremy. Especially about Natalie Kimpton. She was my best friend in the whole world. And then... She put out your signature perfume without your name on it? - Yeah. And... - She stole your bangs. - Like, yeah. And I hate her guts. - That's completely understandable. - Thank you. - Hang on a second. Jeremy Darling. Go. I just took a shower. I'm hot and I'm very, very, very wet. I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. What is that supposed to mean? You know, just work on the second verse and then give me a call when... When it's gold, okay? Bye. - Who was that? - That was Justin. - Timberlake? - Yeah. He... You know, sometimes he can't, like, see the forest for the trees. And so I help him. Like, he gets all eggy. Do you promise not to lie to me ever again? - You got it, sis. Yeah. - Promise? Yeah. I don't know what... - Got into you. ... got into me. Yeah. Okay, here's the deal. We're gonna tell my wife and kids the truth, but not until it's time, okay? - Okay. - So, until then, just... - Act Swedish, okay? - Okay. And... You know, I'm really, really sorry. This is hard. You know, if this was up to me, you wouldn't even be here. But... No, I mean, you know, that came out wrong, but you know, what I mean is... Just... You scratch my back, I scratch yours. - Okay? - Okay. Hey. What's your name? - Swedish name? - Gustav. Good boy. All right, now you go up there and you go straight to bed, okay? Okay, Daddy. What is the matter? I can't concentrate or stop concentrating. I don't know. I'm sorry. - What do you want to do, Pat? - About what? Your dad wants you to run, your mother doesn't. - What do you want to do? - I'm not sure. If I say something, don't get mad, okay? Okay. I think that you should run. You should embrace what he wants for you, and win. Go even further than little Tripp Darling ever dreamed of. I like the sound of that. And doing what he wants today is the only way that you might be able to do what you want tomorrow. - Hello? - Hi, Nick. Hey, Karen, what's up? I just wanted you to know - I'll always love you, too. - Hey, Karen, listen, I... - Karen? - I know. I shouldn't have said it, I'm sorry. Okay, good night. Karen? - What the hell are these? - Virtual-reality goggles. - You really didn't have to do this. - Oh, sure I did. I mean, you're trapped in here all day with your momster. You sounded so down when you called. Thanks. So, what do you... - What do you do with them? I mean... - Well, you put them on. - Okay. - And I have to plug them in, but when the time is right, you look where you want to go, and then you blink. Like... This? So, I got three games. I got Clown Fight, Cosmic Pirates, and Last Tango In Tanya. - You wanna do it? - Cosmic Pirates? No! Last Tango In Tanya. No, no, I gotta... I gotta go. I just wanted to give you your goodbye present. Jeremy. I want you. If Juliet found out... She won't find out. Promise. Okay. Social security, national security. Sorry I'm late, - again. - No one issue is - singularly more important... - It's okay. ...than that of education. Every young American child has the right to a great education. To not only fulfill the dreams of their parents, but most importantly, their own dreams. So it is with great pride and respect that I announce my candidacy for the United States Senate, representing the great state, the Empire State... - Congratulations. ... New York State. Thank you. It's what he wants. I wasn't sure you'd show up. Yeah, well... Wasn't sure I wanted you to. I understand. Thank you. I don't have any secrets, Nick. Not there. Not anywhere. You brought his briefcase? Yeah. I did. I still haven't been able to figure out the combination. Why don't you try 712. What's that? Tish's birthday. Give it a shot. So you knew about the affair? Of course. Simon Elder. The billionaire. There's all this information in here on Simon Elder. Information about what? Lmmigration papers, patent records, criminal files... Well, if I were trying to figure out who had killed my father, that's the guy I'd start with. My father worked as a lawyer for the richest family in New York until his plane went down in Long Island sound. My dad left me only two things--his briefcase and his biggest client,the Darlings-- Tripp,the empire builder... I need your help,nicky. You're the guy. Letitia,the sophisticated socialite, patrick,the principled politician... no,I'm--I'm not gonna go into a hotel and give a tranny hooker a check. Karen,the professional divorcee... she's,uh,still in love with you,huh? Brian,the man of god... I know he's mine,but I can't just bring him home to my wife and kids. And jeremy and juliet,the well-behaved twins. yeah. I said I'd nev work for them,but I will for now. Because I think one of them may have murdered my dad. here you go,sir. hey,lisa,have you seen my blue suit? oh! I forgot to pick it up from the cleaners. Sorry,honey. maria... do they have wild salmon? Yes. Poached... soupcon of hollandaise on the side,steamed broccoli,but not al dente. He's been making it nearly raw. Tell him to crosscut the stem. I don't know why he doesn't know how to do that. Damn it! it was hot. you know,I can't find anything today-- my wallet,my keys. The casual observer might assume you don't really want to go to work. There you go. Really? You don't have to do this. You know that,right? What? Your dad wasted his life babysitting the darlings. You don't have to do the same thing. You know that,right? Come on,lisa. We've been through this,okay? I get to help a lot of people with a lot of money. And I'm also trying to find out what happened to my dad. You really think someone killed him. I think it seems highly possible,yeah. Is that why you took this job? Do you feel like... you have some score to settle or something? Look,I don't know,lisa. It was a gut decision. I-I took it for many reasons,I guess,none of which e karen. Hey,I-I didn't mention karen. Look,I owe my dad something. I just- - I want to find out the truth. -Okay? -Okay. Has that airplane mechanic guy ever called you back? Norman exley? No. I called him like ten times. -Where are my keys? -Here. Thank you. And I would get you your dad's briefcase if I knew where you put it. Do you know where it is? I left it with daisy. She's figuring out the combination for me. I'm hoping there are some answers in there. What? There. Now you're perfect. -I may look perfect but-- - just like the darlings. Love you. Can freddy be in the picture? Please. No. this photo shoot,for better or worse,is gonna launch your brother's senate campaign. I'm not gonna let you cheapen it by including your fourth husband. But,mom,his heart is set on this. My heart was set on your brother leaving politics altogether and pursuing a life of emotional integrity, but that's not happening either. The answer is no. You know,patrick's romantic habits are a lot more embarrassing than mine. I don't see why you can't be on my side every once in a while. You've always been stronger than your older brother,karen,and you know it. don't be disingenuous. It's not becoming. mrs.Darling. Yes,elizabeth. The caterers have arrived to discuss the lunch for the photo shoot tomorrow. They're waiting in the kitchen. I'll be right up. Patrick needs me more than you do. He always has. I'm not running for senate. I've decided. I'm telling my father today. And when will you tell your wife? About the senate? No,about us. Soon. I promise. Real soon. I don't believe you. I'm just asking my sister to come home. I don't want to. I'm through with daddy paying for everything and secretly arranging my life behind my back. It makes me feel like... well,like,this big,like I'm living on a train set. That sounds kind of cool actually. No. I want to be normal-sized and independent. Well,then can you at least get a hotel room that isn't the size of a friggin' postage stamp? I tried to get the penthouse suite,but it was taken. -Bummer. -Yeah. who is the mutt? This is bingles. I found him the day I left home. he is my totem. Are you allowed to have dogs here? No. But if i were in the penthouse,they'd be making exceptions. Would you please be so kind as to investigate who's staying in there? I'd be so grateful. -I'm on it. -Thank you. -To independence. -To independence. you're going back to your mother today,and that's final. I want to live with you,daddy. Well,you can'T. and stop calling me daddy. I lied to my wife and daughters last night. -hey! -I told-- oh,sorry,father. I lied to my wife and daughters last night and told them that you were an orphan whose parents were killed in a bullet train accident in Sweden. -What's a bullet train? -That's none of your business. The point is,do you know what my wife would do if she found out that you talk English or--or that you're mine? Mommy's not gonna take me back. She'll take you back. She'll take you back if I have to shoot you at her with a cannon. Sorry I'm late. Train got hung up at union square. You have a date with me,and you take the subway. Usually runs on time. Trust me,it won't be a prlem again. Let me set you up with a car. No,subway's fine. Thanks. -24/7. -I'm good. All right. What can I do for you,tripp? Well,we have this photo shoot happening here tomorrow. We're rebranding the family as... fresh and hip... before patrick's campaign. It's idiocy. And since everyone lives here except Brian, they figured it'd be a good idea to have it in the living room. So what would you like me to do? Just hang around. Set a tone. Make sure everybody gets there. Sounds simple enough. Yeah,yeah. It's a piece of cake. Here. what,uh,what's-- what's this? Oh,I used to give some cash to your dad at the beginning of every work week. For? Well,things come up. Trust me. oh,I thought you said you could open it up. I'm a paralega nick,not a code breaker. Any calls? Juliet called. She doesn't want to do the photo shoot tomorrow. Here. What? Why? 'Cause she says she's "a free radical now," and you of all people would understand. What else? Jeremy called. He wants you to copyright some song he wrote with justin timberlake last night. He left it on your answering machine. Great. Brian hasn't called to yell at me? Surprising. Actually,he did stop by. This is your mother's phone number and address,right? Okay,I'm gonna get in touch with your mom,and everything's gonna be okay. -All right? -Okay. call for you. It's norman exley. Put him through. Hello. Hi. This is norman exley. I hear you been l-looking for me? Look,I know brian darling paid you $100,000 for something,mr.Exley. I have the canceled checks. You sure got all your little ducks in a row there,don't you,chief? Yeah,I do. What was the money for? Well,I did a lot of work on your dad's plane over the years. Sometimes,he'd show up early when I'd still be spot-checking the engine, and I'd,you know,overhear things. Yeah. What kind of things? Come on,mr.Exley. You can tell me,or later on,you're gonna be talking to the police. Okay,one time I heard your dad talking to reverend darling about his little secret love baby, so I gave the reverend,you know,a call. we came to an understanding. So you blackmailed brian darling about his illegitimate son? Yes,sir. I'm not proud. Brian darling never paid you to sabotage my father's plane? No,sir,not in any way,shape or form. Thank you for your honesty,mr. Mr.George. Yeah. A lot of times when your dad took the plane,he brought along his lady friend. -Letitidarling? -Yes,sir. I know I--I'm talking out of school here,but... if I was tripp darling,I sure woulda found that... troublesome,real troublesome. Dirty Sex Money Season 1 Episode 2 -Good morning,clark. -Ah,good morning,mr.Darling. -Enjoying that book? -It's great. Thanks for giving it to me. I'm not sure I understand it. Well,don't take it too seriously. Just enjoy it,bustick with it. I'm going to,sir. The scene at the end when xenophon crests the mountain and the water is stretched out in front of him... "thalatta,thalatta"-- "the sea,the sea"-- stunning. Tish went out this morning? Uh,yes,sir. I took her to forest lawn cemetery. keep it even. Could you maybe tell me who's staying here? Jeremy darling? What the hell are you doing here? Natalie kimpton. Jeez. You look amazing. You... look... I-I got--I gotta go. No,no,no,no,stay. I haven't se you since your sister freaked out on me. I know. Wasn't it-- it's been like a year? What a crap blizzard that was. Sit. How did you get up here? I thought this penthouse was maximum privacy. Well,I-I-I told the... elevator girl that she--she could sing backup with me on this project I'm doing with justin timberlake. Oh,you're writing songs now? Yeah. You know,whatever.I... get by. natalie. -I-is that your mom? -Yeah. She's trading in her third face for a fourth and a brand-new ass. So,of course,I'm stuck here taking care of her like a slave,and her face her face is like a grape smushed on the sidewalk. -It's so bad. -Natalie,come here! Carlos,mommy wants something! God. That sucks. I gotta go. No,no,no,no,no. Stay,stay,stay,stay. Come here. Please. It'll be just like old times,you know? Remember st.Barths? It'll be just like st.Barths. You remember st.Barths,don't you? I don't want to run for senate. I want to get out of politics. Okay. What about the photo shoot? I already had my office call and cancel because I'm not running,so what's the point,right? I mean,I'm not. -The family's had- - I'm not the family,dad. -I'm me. -Yeah,you're you. You. And you could be president of the united states-- I don't want to be president. I-I let you push me into law school,then the attorney general's office. I won't let it happen again. I can't be a more clear. Can't you? If you're worried about some things coming to light in the election... we can handle that,together. You know,these things have a way of coming to the surface anyway. They're like splinters. They want out. That's not why I don't want to run. Come here. Come here. Come. Contrary to popular belief... history is not made by great men. It takes more than one man to change the world,it takes more than one generation. It takes a family. Dad,I don't want to make history. I just.. want to live my life,okay? Patty,you're the eldest son. You're the only one who can carry on our name in public service. You're the scion of the darling family tree. Please... make me proud. Make yourself proud. we're home. Hey. Hi,you must be brian jr. I'm lisa. -Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you,too. Our daughter kiki is in the living room watching a movie. Do you want to join her? -Okay. -She's right around the corner. All right. -You're kidding me,right? -What? Look,lisa,I told you that daisy already watched him for two hours at the office. I'm fine watching him. What I'm not fine with is that the darlings think that this is part of your job. -Well,you and me both-- - you're a lawyer. -Hey-- - I know. You always said your dad sacrificed his family to take care of every crazy thing the darlings wanted. And now here you are,you're bringing home this kid. You're babysitting. -You know that,right? -Look,lisa, I know this sounds crazy,but right now, this is the best way for me to get to the bottom of things. Okay? I need to do my job. that's karen. of course. Take it. She probably wants you to wash her pet tiger or... insure her solid gold toilet,or something very reasonable like that. It could be important. hey,I said take it. Tell her hi. hey,karen,what's up? Nick,hi. it's me. -Can you hear me? -Nonot really. -I need you to do me a favor. -What? I need you to do me a favor. what's up,baby? nothing. -I love you. -Yeah,I love you,too. I need you to tell freddy he can't be in the picture tomorrow. Mommy says no,and I... I just don't have the heart to tell him. You think you can handle that? Look,karen,it isn't really my job to tell your fiance he can't be in some photo shoot for a fashion magazine. I never thought it was your job,nick. I'm asking you as a friend. Nick? Okay,I'll do it. Thank you.You're my hero. Okay. Bye. Th did sound very,very,very important. Look,if you are ever going to get to the bottom of things,you need to stop avoiding the obvious. -Talk to letitia? -Yeah. I won't let you do it. I won't let you push that boy into the senate for the sake of your almighty family name. You've pushed him his whole life to try to make up for what happened to your brother kenneth. -It's not right. -It's what's best for him. You know he has issues that will come out-- issues? Our married son has affairs with transsexuals,and you stand there calling them issues? don't lecture me in that tone. Can't someone in this family besides me live in the light of the simple truth? Someone? Anyone? Oh,god. I wish dutch was here. Why? Why do you wish dutch were here? Because I miss the days when there was somebody in this family who knew the difference between power and love. In this family? You know what I mean. Oh,god,no. *** so... who's up there? You went up to find out who's in the penthouse. Oh,it's--it's-- it's nobody.It's,um... -it's some chef. -A chef? What kind of chef stays at the penthouse at the argyle hotel? It's,uh,some dude from belgium. He's here to cook for the united nations at-- cocinar para what? God,this place is really changing. See you tomorrow at the shoot? Oh,no,you won'T. Why not? Because I won't be appearing with the family anymore. Oh,come on,jules. There's gonna be lions-- live lions. -Come on. -I don't care.Thank you. I'm on my own now. Are you paying for this place out of your own pocket? What do you mean? I mean this isn't independence. Okay? -Dad's paying for it. -What's your problem? Oh,I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look,you should-- you should-- you should come tomorrow and you should be in the picture. And then you should come home. we should both get the hell out of here. Later. have you always know about the affair? No. Actually,I just found out few days ago. The two of you were real good at maintaining appearances. W-well,it,uh,it started as a necessity,and then it became a lifestyle. Who told you? -Karen? -Yeah. -Does tripp know? -Why? The police think that my father's plane may have been tampered with. -Are you serious? -Yeah. It's not clear at all. I mean,we'll know more once the N.T.S.B. Reports come back. But if tripp did know about the affair... I just thought that maybe he... I see. No,I-I have no idea if he knew. Your father,nick,your father... was my great love. So... how could tripp not have known? I know. I've thought the same thing. But... nick,for the past 40 years,I've read every look on his face like it was code, wondering if he was gonna come down to bed and-- and--ask me or tell me he knew or... he never did. Do you think he's capable of murder? we're all... capable of everything. You know,tripp's faith in-- in god has always been shaky. He--he puts his faith in facts. He--he believes in history. He keeps track of everything. If he did know about the affair,he would've written about it in his journal. He keeps it in his desk. And you've--you've never looked at it? No,no,I've always been... too frightened to find out... how much I've hurt him. Why is that? Because... I love him,too. Please tell me none of the darlings called. Just the lion wrangler. Am I supposed to know what you're talking about? No one told you? Apparently there are gonna be lions at the photo shoot. But you need to figure out the insurance first. -Live lions? -I know. Crazy. So what do you want me to do? Well,I guess we should get some lion insurance. Did,uh,brian jr.'S mother ever call back? No. And did you solve juliet's problem with the photo shoot? When did all this become our job? Yeah,yeah,yeah,I know.Tell me about it.I'll see you. Mr.George. Hey,maria. Hola. Yes. Okay,so,look,I just took this journal from mr.Darling's desk,and you probably saw me. And I don't want you tthink I was doing something that I'm not- - I'm not--I'm not. So I need this for,uh,well,it's something to do with the family-- a very high-priority matter. I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between -- just in between you and me,for the sake of security,family security. -500. -5-500 what? Yeah,yeah. $500,sure. Here. $500. Here you go. -Uh,hey,tell you what,how about $1,000? -$500 is plenty. Okay,all right. There you go. Fantastic. Okay? Thank you. There were quite a few times I walked in on your father getting away with things. He put my daughter alejandra through college and med school. you find anything? Nothing that indicates with absolute certainty that tripp knew anything about the affair. There's lots of stuff in here about poetry and arctic expeditions, but barely any mention of dad or,for that matter,letitia. Not even on the day your dad died? Yeah,actually,that's the one thing that's kind of odd. Check it out. Look at this. What the heck did that say? I don't know,but why did he cross it out? kiki! Hey,kiki! How's he doing? He's all right. I think he's a little discombobulated. Did you get ahold of his mom or is he spending the night,maybe staying forever? Are we gonna adopt him,perhaps? No,I called her like five times. She never returned. Then the last time I called,I got this recording saying the number's out of service. -Take a look at this. -What is it? The kids were drawing pictures this afternoon. He did this one of his mom at this giant waterfall. Well,he's a better artist than tripp. This is in brazil,which is where she's going. -She's going to brazil? -Yeah. -I-- I thought it was imagination... -damn it! You know? I mean-- well,do me a favor animagine that she hasn't already gone to brazil. -She's gone. -Who? The mother of your son. What are you talking about? That address you gave me,I just came from there,brian. The landlady said she left last night,sold everything,went to brazil. What are you gonna do about the kid? What... you know,it's funny,brian,I just came here to ask you the same question. you know,your father was a cash-sucking leech,but at least he wasn't willfully stupid or self-righteous or whatever it is that makes you show up here expecting me to be nice you. I'm not gonna claim that kid,nick,even if you leave him on my friggin' doorstep,okay? Good night. God bless. why doesn't daddy live here? It's so much bigger. Well,that's because he lives near the church where he works. But today he has to be here to get his picture taken. Come on. Daddy doesn't want me,does he? Hey,brian,listen,sometimes daddies get confused. But sometimes when a-- when a daddy gets around his own daddy, things get less confusing very,very quickly. Hey,I want to show you something. Come here. Up. -What is it? -You'll see. welcome to the family,id. *** ***Where have you been? You have to tell freddy he can't be in the picture. -I'm sorry. I forgot. -Nice. Who is this? Rebecca colfax,family publicist. Who are you? Nick george,family lawyer. Oh,well,this photo is probably the most important thing ng that's gonna happen in this campaign. People will be voting for the darlings as much as they'll be voting for patrick. And mr.Darling told me you'd be here to set a tone. -So get in there and set it. -Okay. Hey,brian,this nice,lonely lady is gonna get you some cake.Okay? Thank you. Uh,uh,can you,uh,get it cake? Freddy,you're a golfer,so I'm gonna give it to you straight. -Hit me. -You can't be in the picture. -Who says,karen,her mother? -I do. I'm sorry. It's nothing against you. It's just familyolitics. -You're still in love with her. -What? You. You're still in love with her. Freddy,it's just a picture in a magazine for women and girls.What's the big freakin' deal? Fine. You know what? You can keep me out of the picture,nick. Okay? But you can't keep me out of the picture. Got it? Karen is mine. He's still in love with you. Hi. Thanks for... taking care of that. Not a problem. Why didn't you cancel this? Well,I didn't want to ruin it for everyone. And just because we're taking a picture does not mean that I'm running. You can't keep pleasing your father forever. Tell him no and move on. -Completely. -Still no luck with the briefcase,huh? I've been kind of busy. I'm just getting around to it. Yeah,what's going on with the juliet situation? I haven't seen her here yet. Oh,that's fine. I solved that one. -What does that mean? -You'll see. Bye. oh... what a circus. "But yet I know,where'er I go,that there hath passed away a glory from the earth. " what a glory your uncle kenneth was,cupcake. -Who is this girl? -bring in the lions! beautiful. Hold it. -magnificent. -One minute,dream kids. Has anyone seen my journal? I've been looking for it all morning. I can't imagine where I could've set it down. -Tish? -No,I haven't seen it,dear. Have you come across an orange journal during your stay with us? What,do you think I stole it? -You're--you're not my sister. -Duh. Nick,is this travesty your idea? -Technically,no,but I- - I asked you to set a tone. And I'm trying,tripp. I'm trying. Did,uh-- excuse me. what do you think you're doing,bringing him here where my whole family can see him, where my father can see him? Oh,I'm sorry. Is that a problem? Hi,daddy. Who is this unnamed youth? he's an... orphan whose parents were killed in a bullet train accident in sweden. Could he have taken my journal? Oh,no,I don't think so. No. Why would he take your journal,tripp? Perhaps he thought it was filled with arcane secrets and treasure maps. It's that ki of object. -Does he speak english? -Uh,no. Uh,just swedish. *** I was on the nobel peace prize committee in 1990. It was a fascinating experience. *** is he deaf? Uh... was he in the train with his parents when it crashed? look,I took it,okay? I took--I took the journal. I took it. I'm sorry. I took it. I'm sorry. Well,why would you take my journal? I took it because I wanted to figure out... what? Who killed my dad. and--and you--you thought it m-might be me? Is that why you stole my journal? Well,I thought that... what possible reason could I have had to do such a thing? He was my best friend. I-I don't understand. you all right? Don't even pretend to be concerned,tripp. Just say what you came to say. -I'm astounded. -By what? That someone could be so mistaken. I know. I'm sorry. It's--it's-- it's not your fault. I-I mean,it-- it's not even nick's,really. I'm sure... blaming someone must be an attractive notion in the face of such hideous randomness, even when it's so obviously groundless. I'm sure. But still... it's such an extravagant accusation to make... to think,even. Yes. Please... I know that you miss dutch as much as I do. And I know this is A... terrifically hard time... but we'll get through it. We'll get through it together-- you... and me... and nick. Thank you for coming to find me. I have to rest. brian,would you just wait a minute? What are you gonna do,hit me? Hey,look,I just want to talk. I didn't kill your dad. Look,brian,it's just-- look,brian,just listen to me for a second. Every minute that I spend working with this family is another minute that I find out I didn't know my father at all. -That's not my fault. -And that's not the point. Don't do that to your son. Let him get to know you while there's still time. -I can't! -Yeah,you can. Go home,tell the truth,figure it out,for the sake of your only son. -don't do that again. -What? That "only son" thing. It's stupid. Could you check and see if I have some mail,please? Juliet darling. -No problem. -Thank you. Jeremy! Uh,hey. What-- what are you doing here? I was just going to surprise you. You didn't tell me you were coming here. That's crazy. Um... surprise. Hi. silly. How was the photo shoot? It was,uh,it was-- it was a trip. -Oh,yeah? -Yeah. -Did everybody miss me? -We did. Um,but you know what? It was--it was kind of like you were there,like we-- we did,we felt your prence. Oh,good. -Guess what. -What? The guest in the penthouse isn't a belgian chef. It's natalie kimpton,and she's been staying there all month. Natalie... why'd you lie to me? I didn't--I didn't want to bum you out. Don't lie to me,jeremy,especially about natalie kimpton. She was my best friend in the whole world,and then-- she put out your signature perfume without your name on it. -Yeah,and-- -she stole your bangs. Yeah,and I hate her guts. And that's completely understandable. Thank you. I--hang on a sec. Jeremy darling. Go. I just took a shower. I'm hot and I'm very,very,very wet. I'm- - I'm gonna- - I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. What is that supposed to mean? Uh,you know,just work on the second verse and then give me a call when,um,when it's gold. Okay? Bye. -who was that? -Uh,that was justin. -Timberlake? -Yeah. He,uh... you know,sometimes he can't,like,see the-- the forest for the trees,and so I... help him. Like,he gets all eggy. Do you promise not to lie to me ever again? You got it,sis. -Promise? -Yeah,yeah. I don't know what... -got into you. -Got into me,yeah. Okay,here's the deal-- we're gonna tell my wife and kids the truth,but not until it's time -,okay? -Okay. So,uh,until then,just,uh... act swedish,okay? Okay. And,uh.. . you know,I'm--I'm really,really sorry this is hard. You know,because if it was up to me,you wouldn't even be here,but,uh,oh,I mean, you know,that came out wrong. But,you know,what I mean is,uh... just,uh,so you--you scratch my back,I scratch yours. -Okay? -Okay. Hey... what's your name,swedish name? -Gustav. -Good boy. All right,now you go up there and you go straight to bed,okay? Okay,daddy. what is the matter? I can't concentrate,or stop concentrating. Oh,I don't know. I'm sorry. -What do you want to do,pat? -About what? Your dad wants you to run,your mother doesn'T. What do you want to do *** If I say something,don't get mad,okay? okay. I think that you should run. You should embrace what he wants for you and win and go even further than little tripp darling ever dreamed of. I like the sound of that. Doing what he wants today is the only way that you might be able to do what you want tomorrow. -hello. -Hi,nick. Hey,karen. What's up? I just wanted you to know... I'll always love you,too. Uh,hey,karen,listen,I--karen. I know. I shouldn't have said it.I'm sorry. Okay. Good night. Karen? What the hell are these? Virtual reality goggles. You really didn't have to do this. Well,sure I did. I mean,you're trapped in here all day with your momster. You sounded so down when you called. Thanks. So what do you,um,what do you do with them? I mean,they're so-- well,you put them on. okay. And,um,I have to plug 'em in,but... when the time is right,you look where you want to go,and then you blink. like... this? So I-I got,uh,three games. I got,um,"clown fight," "cosmic pirates" and "last... tango in tanya. " You want to do it? -Cosmic pirates"? -No."Last tango in tanya. No. No,I gotta--I gotta go. I just wanted to give you your good-bye present. Jeremy. I want you. -If juliet found out... -she won't find out. I promise. Okay. sorry I'm late... again. It's okay. Every young american child has the right to a great education, to not only fulfill the dreams of their parents, but most importantly,their own dreams. So it is with great pride and respect that I announce my candidacy for the united states senate representing the great state- the empire state... -congratulations. -New york state. thank you. It's what he wants. I wasn't sure you'd show up. Yeah,well... I wasn't sure I wanted you to. I understand. Thank you. I don't have any secrets,nick,not there... not anywhere. You brought his briefcase. Yeah,I did.I still haven't been able to figure out the combination. Why don't you try 7-1-2? What's that? Tish's birthday. Give it a shot. So you knew about the affair? of course. Simon elder-- the billionaire. There's all this information in here on simon elder. Information about what? Immigration papers... patent records... criminal files. Well... if I were trying to fige out who had killed my father,that's the guy I'd start with. Dirty Sex Money Season 1 Episode 2 All right, Naboo. You got the money? Look, I got a little proposition for ya. You know, like, you're always ringing up going: "Have you got any cream that can make me strong as a lion and a peanut that can make me see into the future and pills for levitation, all that shit?" What if I said I can get you all that and more in one package? Sounds good. What's it called? It is called shaman juice. - Is it strong? - Is it strong? I never seen anything like it. It is the boomba-bing-bong-bong - release! The only problem is it's got some activation shit, yeah? You got to hold it up in the light of the full moon. OK. Try that out. (Bollo protests) - It's amazing. - Are you interested? - I'll take the bottle. - 400 euros, yeah? All right, I gotta go, Naboo, yeah? My mum's cooking me dinner. I'm having spaghetti hoops. - Do you like spaghetti hoops? - Yeah. They're good, ain't they? All right, I gotta chip, yeah? See you later. - Touch. - Laters. Long time. Er... Naboo? (Howard) Come with us now on a journey through time and space. (Vince) To the world of "The Mighty Boosh". ♪ "The Mighty Boosh" ♪ Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" ♪ "The Mighty Boosh" ♪ Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" Can't believe it. Loincloths are coming back. Really? Are you gonna do any tidying up? It doesn't go with my image. You don't see people in Dazed Confused tidying up. You're not in Dazed Confused. You're in a second-hand shop in Dalston. Why don't you do something useful? You're the weak link in this operation. I'm the linchpin. That's what Naboo says. He says I add colour to the shop. Does he? Well, Naboo's not here now, and I'm in charge. It's time to pull your weight. Put out this rubbish which I have securely double-tied with a hygienic safety ribbon. All right. Keep your hair on. I'll do it. - What? - What you doing? - I'm throwing the rubbish out. - You don't throw it out the back door. - Why not? - It's not a designated refuse area. - A what? - A DRA. Hello? - What are you talking about? - What happens to the rubbish? I don't know. Does it dissolve in the rain like a giant Berocca? No, it doesn't. The bin men take it away. - Who? - The bin men. As if they exist. They're the stuf of legends, like unicorns. Just cos you don't get up till 12 doesn't mean they don't exist. They do a day's work before you put your straighteners on. - Can't they just pop round the back? - No, they can't. - Why not? - They can't fit down the alleyway. Too narrow. Come of it. I can fit. That's just an excuse. You're not a real man, are you? You're a puppet in an outfit. Bin men are real men, tall as they are wide, with big hands, big necks, big dreams. - They sound awful. - Can't all be models or in a band, Vince. Some people do real jobs. What do you think happens to short people with wide backs? Do they lie down to sad music and die like the Elephant Man? What would happen in a world without bin men? Would it be the same but with a few more KitKat wrappers on the floor? There would be vermin running riot, urban foxes terrorising the neighbourhood. Urban foxes are nice. All red and cute. No, they're not. They're vicious, the scourge of the bin man. His nemesis, if you like. Why do you care so much about the plight of the bin man? What is this? - Do you wanna know why? - Yeah. Because I used to be a bin man. (laughing) Shit of. No way. Really? This is huge. - I don't see what's so funny. - Sorry, I have to put this on MySpace. - You're not going anywhere. - Why? You're staying here and tidying up. See you later. - Where are you going? - Where am I going? I'm going to Jazzercise. - What? - Working out to hot bebop. - Circuit training to John Coltrane. - Ridiculous. When I get back I wanna see all the bin bags moved from out the back and in the designated refuse area. - It'll take all night. - How many bin bags are out there, Vince? - Three or four. - Won't take you long then, will it? (laughs) Hello! - Howdy. - Who are you? I'm the foxy man. (plays banjo) Yeah. (laughs) Ooh. Right. Could you get out of here? Cos I've got to clear all this rubbish away. This isn't rubbish. This is my home. That hole that you crawled through is my front door. That old skateboard there is my transportation unit. This old peach - why, it's my hat, sir. - Look. - Yeah. Peach hat. (laughs) Everything's diferent in my world. Let me explain. ♪ I look at things that are diferent... - Are you a prince? - I am called Vince, but I'm not a prince. Vincey princey. (laughs) - I did a rhyme. - Well done. You should have a goblet of wine. It's not really a goblet, is it? It's sort of a tennis ball cut in half. (laughs) - What is this? Vimto? - It's blood from a cat's face. (laughs) - Jesus! - You like my joke? - I gotta go actually, cos you're a freak. - No, no! I didn't always used to be a freak. Perhaps if you heard my story, you'd understand me more. - I don't really like stories. - It's got pictures and animation. - Cartoons? Cool. - Move my galoshes and take a seat. These are not really galoshes. They're johnnies. They're my squishy boots. (laughs) ♪ Everything's diferent in the world of me OK, let's have fun. That's not the film I meant to show. That's the night-time film for me in the night-times for the fuzzy-tingle time. Once upon a time, there was a fox and he was called Jerome. He lived in the woods, in Elderberry Wood. His friends were Nicholas, the tennis rat, and Dante, the racist badger. Argh! They spent their days puntin' down the lazy rivers of Cambridge town, occasionally would eat a cucumber sandwich and sit under Mr Willow, the tree. One day, whilst relaxing, he found a copy of "Cheekbone" magazine. It was in the bush. (laughs) And he read an article about London life. He read it over and over and over and over again and over, and then decided he was gonna go to London. His friends said, "No, you can't go." But he decided he was gonna cos he was a wilful little fox, and he set off to the town. We're on a train. Three weeks later he was off his tiny face in a gay club. Hoo, hool The fun, fun times for himl But the party lifestyle took its toll. Eventually he ended up on the streets begging for cheese in Dalston. That fox, my friend, was none other than me. The Crack Fox. Hmm! Yeah. How that never won a BAFTA I will never know. Can I come in your house? You've been in my house. It doesn't really work like that. I'll see you later. Aaargh! What are you doing? You stabbed yourself in the leg with a Biro. Someone came in and stabbed me when you were looking away. I didn't see anyone. - A poofter. - You can't speak like that. It was a Nazi. It was a Nazi man. Oh, danger! Oh, take out the Biro, sir. Oh, you're like King Arthur. - I'm going now. Bye. - Oh, OK. If you're going then, can you do me one last favour? - What? - Bludgeon my face in. Kill me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the tits. Destroy me. Twist my head clean of. Put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr Fancy Man. Look, I couldn't do that. These are new boots, they cost a lot of money. I'll see you around. I'll just slit my own throat and bleed to death here. It's nice to have met you, Mr Kind Face. - All right, come in for five minutes... - (laughs) ...for a plaster and cup of tea, but that is it. You must get out before Howard comes back, cos there's no way he'll understand you. (deep voice) I'll hurt you when we get inside. - Hmm? - Nothing. Just a funny, funny, funny sound. One, two... one, two, three. And sax... down, up, down. And up, down... Feel it burn. Feel that bebop burn. To the right. Now, come on, Tony. Get in step. (Crack Fox laughs) - It's nice here. - It's all right, innit. (farting) Ooh! Ugh! That is disgusting. What is that smell? I'm-a done a tummy shame. - That is well rank. What's wrong with you? - It's my diet. - What have you been eating? - Head Shoulders, toothpaste and shit. Big pieces of shit. That's not a balanced diet. You gotta sort it out. Do you have some medicine for me? Maybe something from the cupboard over there? Shh! (laughs) - You got a key for it maybe? - I have, but I'm not authorised to use it. It's Naboo's special medicine cabinet, full of magic potions. He'd go mad. Tell you what, I'll make you a cup of tea, try and find you an Alka-Seltzer. All right? - (deep voice) I'll make you wear a dress. - Hmm? - You wanna see a trick? - All right. Look! (laughs and farts) (laughter continues) You know Diet Coke. You can get that with cherries in it now. Oh... What's happened here, Vince? Have you shit yourself? It smells like Head Shoulders and toothpaste in here. - Oh, I've got a terrific headache... - Have you been in my cupboard? - No. Why? - Someone has. I've been cleaned out. - Of what? - A pint of shaman juice. - What happened? - I don't know. I was cleaning bin bags up from round the back and I chatted to this fox and... - Who put the bin bags out the back? - Howard. He thinks they dissolve in the rain like a Berocca. What an idiot! - Right. He's fired. - What? That's a bit harsh, innit? Vince, you don't understand. This is serious. If the fox uses the juice he'll be unstoppable. Bollo, get the magic carpet. We need to sort this out. OK. Vince, this is your shop. Howard's finished. Whoa! I don't wanna run this shop on my own. No way! Me and Howard are a team. - Did I mention you get this cape? - Oh, OK. Cool. Whoo! (sighs) Hi, guys. I am feeling loose and jazzy fresh today. - Get out. You're sacked. - What do you mean? You left bin bags out the back and we've been robbed by a fox. I never leave rubbish out the back. I leave refuse in designated refuse areas. - That's what I do. Yeah, Vince? - Here we go. Lies, lies from tiny eyes. Vince, tell Naboo the truth. I would never do that. - Hey, Naboo, is this dry-clean only? - Vince! Don't bring Vince into this. Howard, you've done bad. You've got to face the music. You know what's coming. - No. We don't need to do this. - Bollo, hold him. Naboo... Naboo... Naboolio! We don't have to do this. Be reasonable here, Naboo. Vince. - I'm gonna have to turn my back on you. - No. Nooooo! I don't you guys anyway. I don't need this place. I've got bigger fish to fry. Yeah. Irons in the fire. Vince, I'll never forgive you for what you did today. Yeah, I'll give you a call Wednesday. Naboo Randolf Roberdy Poberdy, the Enigma. You have been accused of losing a pint of shaman juice, the most incredibly powerful liquid in the universe. How did this occur, Naboo? What happened was, this fox came in and farted and Vince lost consciousness. A fox came in? What is this? Beatrix Potter? Time and again you come in front of us with these Jackanory stories. This time justice must be swift and severe. Fortunately, Saboo, no harm has been done. The shaman juice only becomes active under a full moon, a complex process which a civilian would have no way of knowing. - Is that why we write instructions on bottle? - Shut up. Oh, dear. Shit of! This is unbelievable! You pair of plum preserves! What were you playing at? These are shamanistic secrets, passed down from generation to generation. There's a lot to remember with spells - hold it under a full moon, put in the shadow of a virgin... - You dinlows. - I've got a bad memory anyway. I wonder why. It's cos you're always on the wacky baccy. You can talk. We've seen you at Glastonbury with your nose burnt out. When I go, I go large, granted. But that's a once-, maybe twice-a-year deal. You and that ape are on the weed every night, smoking your minds to mush. - At least I can handle my drugs. - I can handle more than you. We're not here to discuss who can handle the most drugs. - I wonder why. - And what does that mean, Saboo? It means that you take half an E and you wet your little knickers. I've seen you in a field, naked, with just a sock and a whistle. - You thought you were in The Shining. - I was on antibiotics. Changez le disc. What about that time you had three espressos? We found you in the corner weeping, trying to peel yourself like a satsuma. I had an itch. I was itching my arm. I'd changed washing powders. It flared up. You used a glue gun once for some simple DIY and thought you saw the black dog. "I saw the black dog." When it comes to drug-taking, I think you'll find Kirk leaves us all in the dust. - (Harrison) What is he looking at? - Nobody knows. - He's journeying far into the astral realm. - (Harrison) He's of his tits. He's on the shores of oblivion. Kirk, if you can hear us, simply nod. - Kirky. - (Saboo) K Man. Kirk! Enough of this. Let us return to the matter of shamanic justice. It clearly states in the book of the law that the penalty is death. I've got a bad feeling about this. Really? It's a bit late for that, Bollo. - Head Shaman, is there nothing you can do? - I'm sorry, Naboo. Naboo, I regret to inform you you are to be executed. - This is it, Bollo. - (grunts) We're close to the end. It's over. ♪ We've wandered down life's many paths ♪ We've had some times, we've had some laughs ♪ We've smoked a bong or two, my friend ♪ And now that we have reached the end ♪ It's time to roll up a last one and build a wand for the land beyond Don't forget the roach. ♪ It's time to roll up a twelve-skin, Bollo ♪ Light it up in the sky ♪ And now we are flying to a higher place Hit it now. ♪ We are flying to a higher place ♪ We are flying to a higher place Bollo, what you doing? Oh, sorry. Naboo. Bollo. I never wanted for this to happen. Don't worry, Dennis. You did all you could. Such nobility in the face of death. - Did you get our last requests? - Oh, yes. Pickled Onion Monster Munch and a Bombay Bad Boy. Erm... Oh, yes. They didn't have Mandrill Wives. Hope that's OK. Do you think if I got the juice back they'd set me free? But of course. I shouldn't really do this, but perhaps there is a way, Naboo. Think upon the gifts I gave you when you first became a shaman. What, that radio alarm clock? No. The mental gifts that I bestowed upon you. Fucking idiot. (music playing) - Hey, Vince. Can I borrow a fiver? - Yeah, help yourself. Just go to the till. - I've taken the lot. I'll pay you back next year. - Whatever. - Do you like my cape? It comes with the job. - Wow, it's brilliant. Yeah. Glad you girls have come round. I've been meaning to ask you for a while. - (Naboo's voice) Vince. - What's up with your voice? Vince, it's me, Naboo. I'm talking through this girl. I'm using her as a conduit. Hang on a minute. How do I even know this is you, Naboo? This could be a trick. You have to prove it to me. Tell me something that only me and you know about. Remember I caught you licking that picture of Terry Nutkins? Keep it down. This girl doesn't need to know about that. Don't worry, Vince. I've frozen time. No one can hear anything, When this vessel wakes she won't remember a thing. Cool. But can I say it was Michaela Strachan that I fancied? I had a Really Wild Show Annual. I was giving her a good licking. I looked away momentarily, the wind blew the page over. Next thing I knew I was tonguing Nutkins. Ugh! Yeah, whatever. Basically, I'm on death row. You're my only hope. You've got to get that shaman juice back before the full moon, or I'm dead. You can rely on me, Naboo. I won't let you down. (own voice) Oh... What was all that about? Don't worry about that. Do you fancy coming to see me DJ on Friday? - I don't think so. - Why not? Why don't you give Terry Nutkins a call? What am I gonna do? What would Howard do? Probably come up with a plan. It would be pretty terrible, but he'd come up with one. Maybe I could come up with a plan. I could come up with a plan. Yeah. Hm... Maybe I should find Howard. - Hey! Could you spare some change, love? - Sorry, mate. I haven't got any. Come on. You must have some loose change somewhere. To be honest I haven't even got any pockets. All I want is just some coppers. - This is a Joan Jett jump suit. I can't help ya. - Ah... Unless you take cards? - Aye, I do, as it happens. - Really? - There you go. - Fair enough. - How much do you want? - Call it? 58.30. - That's quite a specific amount. - Well, I have specific needs. - OK... - Ah... Keep your pin safe, sweetheart. - Someone could steal your identity. - All right. - What brings you to this part of town? - I'm looking for my mate. - I know everyone who passes here. - Maybe you know him. - Tall bloke. Scruffy hair. - No... Quite jazzy. Sort of, does that a lot with his arms. - No. - No? - '70s moustache. - It's not ringing any bells. - Small eyes like a shrimp? - Ah! Old Shrimp Eyes. You'll find him down there, in that alley. Cool. Think that's done. Hold on. - There's your receipt. - Oh, cool. Keep that for your tax. Donni is tax deductible. - Thanks for your help. - No problem. - By the way, nice cape. - It's amazing, innit? - Nice hem. - Check out the electric blue. - I mean it. That is a beautiful cape. - Take it easy, mate. - Hey, Howard. Eating out of the bins again? - What do you want? - How's it going? - It's going great, thank you very much. - Why are you wearing that outfit? - Because I'm a bin man. Because these guys welcomed me back with open arms. - Who are they? - They're my crew, my street brothers. Yo! What are they all about? They're real people, real friends. Don't toss me aside for a silver cape. Yeah, I'm sorry, Howard. You know what I'm like with clothes. Remember when I pushed that kid in front of a lorry cos he was on my Topshop voucher? - I need your help and so does Naboo. - It's too late. Naboo sacked me. He turned his back on me. You betrayed me for a cape. - How can I know you won't do that again? - I did say sorry. It's not enough, little man. I need a gesture. A proper gesture. All right, I got an idea. Check this out. Donni! Hey, you like this cape, don't you? - You can have it if you want. - Are you serious? Yeah. There you go, take it. Nobody's ever given me anything in my life. And here you are, a stranger, giving me a wondrous cape. This is the most beautiful day of my life. I was gonna rape you and leave you in this bin, but now I amnae. I'll pay you back for this act of kindness one day. - You don't have to worry about it. - I do worry about it. I worry about it a lot. Loves it. So anyway, Howard, are you in or what? OK. But if you drop me for a shiny hat in two weeks, that's it. OK? - The old team back together again. - That's right. Don't touch me. - He's not here. Are you sure this is the place? - Yeah. - Where can he be? - Why don't we ask the Plan Pony? Plan Pony, where's the Crack Fox gone? (neighing) Look beneath your feet, Vince. - Thanks, Plan Pony. - A pleasure. He's in the sewers. - It stinks down here. - Yeah, you get used to it, Vince. - I did. - What? I used to work these tunnels back in the day. I was a sanitation inspector before I was a bin man. First I've heard about it. I've done many things you don't know about, Vince. I've lived many lives. "Many Lives" Moon, they call me. Yeah, when did you exactly live these many lives? We went to school together, college together, and we've been working together ever since. - You're forgetting a gap year, Vince. - We went travelling together. - Before we went travelling, Vince. - What, in that week? Yes. I packed a lot in, thank you. You spent the whole time wandering around looking for the ideal flask. - You wanted a flask for every continent. - Can you shut up? I can hear something. ...to laugh at the humans' rule. Time for us to rise up together and take over. (laughter) All we need now is the light of the full moon. I'm a full moon, yeah, making all the juice activated. (Crack Fox laughs) Mm... Good bubbles. Good to see bubbles. I'm gonna drink it down. Oh, come to me. I am the Crack Fox. Behold my power. (laughs maniacally) Mm... Drink my whirlwind of filth. Vince, of you go! (squeaking) You made a big mistake letting me in your shop. I'm gonna wipe out humanity - starting with you, lady man. (yelling) Listen, you fucking mutt. You lay one finger on Shrimp Eyes' wife and I swear to God I'll fill your face in, pal. You forgetting one thing. I'm powered up from the magic juice. Well, I'm powered up from juice of my own. The old electric soup. I'm the electric soup-erman. (yells) (Donni) I'm gonna bring you down! - No! Not the needles! - Diddly needle-time! - No! - Fiddly-dee, fiddly-doo, fiddly-die! Argh! (roars) Give me my juice back! Come on, my bin-bag bitches! Argh! Naboo the Enigma. The time has come for your execution. It is not a job any of us wanted. So to protect the identity of the executioner, he shall be wearing a hood. I can't get up these stairs. What is this bullshit? I asked for a ramp. I wonder who that is. Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this. - Wait! We've got the juice! - Naboo is saved. (cheers) What? Oh, great! I don't believe it. All day I've been getting into the mind-set of the executioner. You can't turn those emotions of like a tap. Can it, Harrison. I won't sleep tonight. I'll be wriggling all over the place. Mrs Harrison will be furious. This is, my friends, an outrage. Let us celebrate in our customary sombre and measured way. - Let's have it large! - Peyote all round. Sounds fun. I've got a headache, but you... Come on! Come on, Dennis, you berk. Get that peyote down you. Well, I suppose I could have a drop, couldn't I? Good boy. (Saboo) Dennis. Denny? Den-man. Vitamin D. Come on, Den. Denzel? Denzoid. Skipper. Come on, Den. Come on, chief. (Harrison) Dennis. We've not even taken the drugs yet. Heima means "at home". It's a bit like being on trial, playing in Iceland. It's like, you know, "What do they think?" Kind of nervous, because it's friends and family, you know, in the audience, I think it's harder to play for people you know. I found it quite interesting playing for the Iceland people, because they're so judgmental. We had been travelling so much around the world and wanted to come back to Iceland and make the last concerts here in Iceland. There used to be pop bands who toured Iceland and had some... you know... people came together and danced to the music, but that's getting less and less. It seemed like something that we had to do was to go around and play the shows in small towns for just the people there. These people are also the people who back us up as well, so it was really nice. I guess that's sort of our idea, to give back, in a way. Space is what we have here, in our personal life and in the land as well. Because it's a small community, I think people are unconsciously kind of aware of giving you space. So I think we kind of have to do that, and I think it's a bit in our souls. Next up is a band from Iceland that has fans and critics gushing about its elegant, enigmatic sound. Here to perform "Njósnavélin", featured in "Vanilla Sky", please welcome Sigur Rós! I was very young. Yeah, I was 21. And then all of a sudden, you had record companies and publishers and money and... You know, all that stuff. It was kind of... It was a bit scary and freaked me a bit out. You're in a band, but you're just doing business. You're having meetings with lawyers and things like that. In a way, it's quite, like I say, exciting. You think about the future, all kinds of stuff. At the same time, it's almost like a desk job instead of making music. The music business is left overseas in a way. We were really sceptical about all this, like doing a lot of interviews, a lot of photo sessions where you're posed, all this stuff, all these typical things. And if you deny that, don't want to be part of it, then people are, "Oh! Why are you doing that?" It's confusing. Then they start to build up some image that you're weird. I'm just a normal person. I like to be silly. But we take our music seriously. We work a lot on the music. Maybe we work sometimes too much. It takes a lot to make us happy, you know, with what we do. When we meet, the four of us, in some space, with some instruments and play together four as one, we don't talk much, we just play until something feels right, some atmosphere comes to us, and we just mould it and form it until it feels like some whole, like things just come to you. When you travel, you play in these crowded, big cities, so it's really nice to come back here to all the space in Iceland and just to relax a little bit. At first, we didn't have an idea if people would come to the concerts, so we imagined some places being totally empty. I was talking to local people in these places, and they were really happy to get something going on in their village. I think we got a lot of attention, actually. I was kind of surprised. But then it should get a lot of attention, I think. I mean, not a lot of people have done that, making concerts so easy for people to be able to attend. Halfway through, we saw in the paper this long article about how the band was giving back and also it was really noble because it's all free, and all this effort of giving these concerts was joining the soul of the Icelandic public, so people had this great focus on something so positive. Everyone seemed really happy and glad to be able to come and see. And people bringing their whole family, grandparents and grandchildren, everyone in between, it was really, really cosy. A lot of people were just coming for the happening, too, I think, to some nice moment, and people want to be a part of it. I think that's as nice as liking the music. There's never been much planning in the work we've done together. Or in Sigur Rós in general, there's not much planning. So they taught us a lot on how to do things without speaking or planning, just do. It's just eight people that work really well together. This is one big family, like sisters and brothers, because you have this close relationship, but it's not really close, like stealing your heart from your best friend. That only happens after a few drinks! Páll, he's an artist, and there are these landslides over these flaky rocks. He goes up and hits the stones, and they produce a tone. Then he makes this chromatic marimba out of these rocks. Amazing instrument, and it's just rock. Totally natural guy. He's just like... He just lives alone with his mother in the countryside, and just makes things all day, carves in stone, or like a rhubarb marimba, made from old rhubarb. Djúpavík, you see this big, old rusting ship lying in this old factory that was probably used for two years. Then there was no more fish and they closed them down. Only two people live there, all year round. total isolation. It's like nothing there. And before it was this village with lots of activity in the fish factory. The fish went. It was good to be able to bring life into the place again just for a short moment, one night. Iceland is a unique place in a way on this planet. It's so strange that people can think about it as a money-making scheme. We're not protecting it enough, all these nice, special things we have. Like tearing down old houses to build really... - Ugly. - In our opinion, ugly... - Big. - Big houses. And maybe pretending to be something we are not. Most people divide into two groups: people that want to make loads of money in a short time and the people that think about the long-term effect on Iceland. Speaking of that, I'm mostly referring to the big industry in Iceland with all the aluminium factories being built in Iceland. We went up to this protest camp at Snæfell where they were protesting the building of the dam at Kárahnjúkar. The place where the dam is is kind of the biggest unspoilt highland in Europe. We wanted to show support by going up there, because they've sunk all of this land just to drive some aluminium smelter. When we came and saw the dam and it was... I think everybody was just turned speechless, because it was such a humungous monster! They'd brought up this small PA and were gonna get electricity from some generators. And then we thought we're actually here to protest the building of a dam to produce electricity, so we thought it would be a good idea to do it completely acoustically. Exactly when we started playing, the wind just went down. It was really magical, because it was meant to happen that way, and after the performance the wind started coming again. It can't be taken back. I mean, it's flooded now. And it's really sad. In every small little village in Iceland there's a choir. Some say it might be because of the lack of instruments, but I don't really buy that. I think there must have been some instruments in the old days. But it's very interesting for us because we're learning about things as well, exploring them, like the rimur, the old chanting style. We met Steindór Andersen, the guy we've worked with a little, who is the head of the rhyme society in Iceland, just in a small room. He has this deep voice and he started to chant these rhymes for me, and something connected inside me, something like, "Whoa!" It was warm and right, or something, so I was interested in this tradition, this old shit. It's just so beautiful, I think. I really like the Seyðisfjörður with the fog. It was really nice, and a strange feeling. The mist was beautiful. Really nice weather. Slept in a Mongolian tent in Seyðisfjörður. It was really weird, but it was fun. Just the more we travel, the more you appreciate the world and Iceland, as well. To travel the whole world and then come back here. Wow! It's kind of a safe haven for us, Iceland. We are left on our own here. I think the Ásbyrgi show was definitely a bizarre show for all of us! And it was so special for us cos we... I mean, we haven't played a proper Sigur Rós/ Amiina show since then, and who knows when we will, so it was very emotional. Very dramatic. It was during a public holiday, that usually during that weekend people spread around the countryside to camp, but everyone was suddenly thinking, "Yeah, are you going to make it to the concert?" In the end it was just packed! Then I just realised it was the last, at least for now. We don't know what will happen, but it was kind of a shock. I don't think we maybe realised what we were doing, that it kind of became a really big thing here, so it was really nice. And Klambratún, the Reykjavík concert, was maybe the highlight, because it was... Everyone was there, so it was great. The show was good. I start playing and I remember the first two, three songs. And then I sort of wake up in the last song, just before everything goes crazy. I sort of wake up and think, "Oh, the show is over!" There is this kind of... like a mood you get into, you know, together, doing the same thing. A really nice feeling. I think on stage, when everything is how it should be, like good sound and everything feels right, you just kind of float. And it's the best feeling ever to sing for people. You don't know you're singing, it's just totally empty headed, you're just floating there. I think Kjarri's grandmother, she went to the concert and thought it was really loud, and then heard it was on TV, too. Like, "It was on the TV! Let's go home! "If it's on TV, let's go home and watch it on TV." Then it was the end of the last song and these crazy backdrops and stuff, like really intense. Then she thought something was wrong with her TV and shut it off. I think it's nice. You waited so long. I didn't think anyone would come. Tell your boss that by the time he's settled all his differences he'll be a lonely man. He doesn't care what you think. Nobody likes to be betrayed. But since... THE BLACK DESERT Bügel, Belgian-made. The Argentinian army's just bought these in. 18mm, double-fluted barrel, cast iron firing pin, breechloading. Sergeant... Private Zapata... Private Salvador... Why are they talking about you so much? Is it true? Think about it, then answer me. How can you leave? I haven't seen you for so long. You have to stay with me, that's what you have to do. You can't go in, you can't go in! Turn yourself in, Miguel. It's all over... Where else can you run to? - Don't you have a family? - No. It's not good to waste God's land. - What did he say? - He doesn't care where he goes. That's why he leaves. I think what you're after is a drink. No. That's what it looks like to me. No. So what are you looking at? You can't be seeing right. You throw one punch each, until one of you can't stand anymore, OK? Who goes first? Makes no difference. - He's gone to the other side... - May he rest in peace! - I'll kill him! - Easy, easy! - Get off me, I'll kill him. - Take it easy! I'll kill him. How far are you going to go with us? I'll go down to Cepeda, and then up to the desert's edge, I've got a job waiting for me there. Why are you running away? It's a very long story. The night is longer, my friend. The nights are longer for me since I stopped sleeping. Do you want to know what those flashes were? Some years ago, in this field there was an unequal battle, very bloody. The slaughtered haunt this place still. Is there a Miguel lrusta travelling with you? We know he joined you around Arroyo del Tala. And I must warn you that whoever shelters a fugitive is a criminal and a traitor to his country. Sir. Yes? This lrusta, we left him at the crossroads. When? Last night, sir. We left him on his way to Chivilcoy. Let's go. Give yourself up, Miguel. Calm down. Calm down, young man! Miguel! Daddy? Daddy? No, Miguel, it's not Daddy. Go inside. Your father will be coming soon. Poor thing, he gets mixed up. Don't you sleep? What are you laughing at? Nothing, things. Don't you sleep? I close my eyes. You're thinking. No. Hello, Doña Carmen. I've come for the Virgin. I have to take it to other houses, you know? Many people need it. Oh Carmen, you didn't tell me you had guests. Miguelito, bring Gaitán the Virgin that's in my room. Mate or gin, Gaitán? No, just water. And a little water! Show more respect, Miguelito. This is the Virgin Mary, the Mother of God. You have to treat it delicately. Have you taught this savage to pray at all, Carmen? Look, I'm going to give you a present. But you have to look after it and give it some time every day, OK? Here. But no one can read here, Gaitán. It doesn't matter, he can just look at the pictures. Every time I come by I'll tell him a little bit about what it's about. Listen. Now, let's pray Carmen, night is falling. Call the man over too. Just go. And take it, I have many things to do. When will you bring it back? I don't know, Carmen. There are a lot of helpless folk who need her. You know that. Let's go. Good afternoon Captain Mariano. God bless you and your troops. How are you Gaitán? What brings you here? I've brought you the Virgin to keep you company here in the wilderness. Good, I'm glad to see you. Wait a moment. I'll just finish this and then we'll talk. Battalion 3 over here, and here the cavalry... Faith is the soldier's first support. That's right, and we can strengthen ours by praying together. Listen, this morning I went by Doña Carmen's store and she's got a man hiding there. She's got a stranger staying there, in secret. I don't like the sound of this. I'll go round there one day... What do you mean by "one day", Captain? When these people are on the run they spend one night here then leave early the next morning. Look, I've just come from the store and believe me, I know when a man isn't at peace. Give yourself up, Miguel. - Good evening, Doña Carmen. - Good evening. To Carmen, the flower of the frontier. Very good Captain. To her son, that he too will be a brave soldier one day. - Very good, for his country. - Very good. To Don Gaitán, a soldier of faith. Thank you very much, Captain. And to us. All of us who resisted the attacks and beatings from those barbarians. And so that soon the day will come when we will bring them down. - Cheers! - Cheers! On the hills of my land I picked the prettiest daisies I took them to the Virgin in town so she would cure me of her love. For I am sad and it has to be because of the market vendor's girl I saw her at the fence one afternoon, so beautiful and like a lucky charm she has left my heart. And I go down on my sorrel, every afternoon With the desire for that boastful love and as I pick flowers of love to take candid daisies on the hill I have to pick flowers for my hopes And I would even sell my soul And go far away to die for you. - Bravo! - Bravo! Señora Carmen... It would be madness to go back to our post in this rain. May we ask your permission to spend the night here? Of course, Captain. What do you say, friend? Won't you have a drink with me? Drinking alone brings sadness. And this Gaitán only drinks at mass. Come on. Pull up a chair. Propose a toast, my friend. Let me tell you something, sir... People are apprehensive of outsiders. We all know each other here and we look after each other. If you have good intentions, you are welcome. More people is just what we need here. So tell me... What are your intentions? To be honest, I have none. Pray for us all, Gaitán. Now, more than ever, we need the help of the Holy Virgin. My darling, stay here, OK? Don't even think about going out until your mother comes for you. These men are very dangerous. Who knows what might happen. I want to go, mother. We'll go soon, I promise. Have pity on this man, Captain. He is so good. Only God is merciful, Carmen. Madam, if I didn't kill that man seven years ago, my life is worthless. This medal is just an illusion. Irusta's father was known for his brawling. A hardman who despised firearms. But his courage wasn't enough to stop him being shot in the back. Right in front of his son. When he grew up... He started asking where his father's killer lived. And he went to look for him. But he didn't know his name, or remember his face. To be certain he had the right man, he slit the throats of all the men in the village. Trust me, Madam. When the morning comes, justice will be done. Kill them. No, Madam, it's fine like this. Go then, they're all sleeping. The regulations are very clear. The officer in charge will stand at the side to give the order The firing squad, no fewer than 3 men, will stand in line, ten paces from the condemned. Gaitán, take my rifle and stand in line. No, no. Forgive me. I can't. God will not allow it. No, no. You then, Carmen. Aim. Fire. What is it? What is it? The gunpowder is very damp, Captain. Must be from the storm, Captain. Miguel! Miguel! (applause and cheering) We got issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many ob-gyns aren't able to practice their love with women across this country. I don't have a job. I don't want to have any more debt out to anybody else. I'm flushing the wound. (man) This is Adam. He had an accident. He's one of nearly 50 million Americans with no health insurance. But this film isn't about Adam. So this is the table saw. It was spinning that way... (man) This is Rick. I was gripping a piece of wood and I grabbed it here and it hit a knot... (man) He sawed off the tops of to of his fingers. ...and it was that quick. - (man) His first thought? - I don't have insurance. Am I gonna have to pay cash for this? $ 2,000, $3,000 or more? Does that mean we're not gonna get a car? (man) Rick also doesn't have health coverage. So the hospital gave him a choice. Reattach the middle finger for $60.000. Or do the ring finger for 12.000. It's an awful feeling to just try to put a value on your body. (man) Being a hopeless romantic. Rick chose the ring finger. For the bargain price of 12 grand. The top of his middle finger now enjoys its new home in an Oregon landfill. I can do that thing where, you know, the old man used to pull the finger off. (man) This movie isn't about Rick either. Yes. There are nearly 50 million Americans with no health insurance. They pray every day they don't get sick. Because 18.000 of them will die this year. Simply because they're uninsured. But this movie isn't about them. It's about the 250 million of you who have health insurance. Those of you who are living the American Dream. It's moving day for Larry and Donna Smith. They've packed everything they own in these to cars. And are driving to Denver. Colorado. To their new home... - Hi. - Hello. ... in their daughter's storage room. This is home, sweet home. - Look at all that stuff. - We'll get everything organized. - We will. - What do we do with the computer? - It stays. - It stays there. So this is where Heather talked about we might have to put bunk beds. I see what she's talking about. (man) It wasn't supposed to end up like this for Larry and Donna. They both had good jobs. She was a newspaper editor. And he was a union machinist. They raised six kids who all went to fine schools like the University of Chicago. But Larry had a heart attack. And then another one. And then another one. And then Donna got cancer. And even though they had health insurance. The copays and deductibles soon added up to the point where they could no longer afford to keep their home. If somebody told me ten years ago this was gonna happen to us because of healthcare, I would have said, "It's not possible." "Not in the United States. We wouldn't let that happen to people." - (Larry) Are we gonna quit? - No. It's just hard. (man) They were bankrupt. So they moved in with their daughter. We'll get it all figured out. We emptied the dresser so you have a spot. Nice, very nice. (man) Even their son Danny popped in from across town to welcome them to Denver. - What do we do about people like you? - I don't know, that's a good question. You're supposed to pay a deductible for $9,000, I understand. That's healthcare. What about people like Kathy and I that have to come up there and move you every five years, every two years, every year, - 'cause you don't have enough money? - That's what Russell says too. I'm sorry. It's not what we wanted to have happen in life. And we're doing what we can to make the change. You don't know what that feels like inside at 50-some years old, to have to reach out to my 20-something-year-old for help. It's gonna be hard for four, five, six, seven months, it's gonna be hard. I have a feeling of you bring your problems with you no matter where you go. Yeah. But I don't know what to do about that. (man) By sheer coincidence. Their daughter's husband. Paul. Was leaving on a job the very same day they arrived. Paul was a contractor. But there weren't many jobs lately. So he found work out of town. I'm sure you'll keep a telephone conversation. Email you. (Donna) You're gonna be just fine, lovies. Weird situation, isn't it? - (man) Tell me where Daddy's going. - Iraq. Why is Daddy going to Iraq? To do some plumbing. Oh, boy. This I do early in the morning. The first thing I do is I clean here. (man) At age 79. Frank Cardile should be kicking back on a beach somewhere. But even though he's insured by Medicare. It doesn't cover all the cost of the drugs that he and his wife need. (Frank) Being that I'm an employee here, my medicine is for free. So that's why I gotta keep working. Until I die. There is nothing wrong with that. OK. I always gotta keep my ears open because there's always spillages. Sometimes you get a gallon of milk. Tomato sauce - oh, you're in trouble. It'll take a half-hour to clean that up. And I look up on every aisle so as everything is clean. If I see something I pick it up, whether it's paper or garbage. One day I had the keys in my hand and they went in there. And I had to climb in there to get the keys out. It's a sad situation. If there are golden years, I can't find 'em, I'll tell you that. She had a painkiller for her hip. The girl said, "Frank, this is $ 213." "What, for a painkiller?" - I didn't take it. - I backed off. I said, "I gotta come back." What's in them? What's in these new drugs that they distribute? I don't believe you need half of the things they tell you. I have never taken medication now, as I'm getting older. I don't even like to take an aspirin. I do like a little brandy. I don't really know how this happened, but the trunk came forward into the back seat. (man) Laura Burnham was in a head-on collision that knocked her out cold. Paramedics got her out of the car and into an ambulance for a trip to the hospital. I get a bill from my insurance company telling me that the ambulance ride was not going to be paid for, because it wasn't preapproved. I don't know exactly when I was supposed to preapprove it, you know? Like after I gain consciousness in the car, before I got in the ambulance? I should have grabbed my cellphone off the street and called in the ambulance? I mean, it's just crazy. (woman) I applied for HealthNet insurance for Jason. They rejected him because of his height and weight. Jason is six feet tall and 130 pounds. I applied for healthcare through BlueCross BlueShield and they told me that my body mass index was too high. I'm 5' 1 ", I weigh 175 pounds. (man) I always thought health insurance companies were there to help us. So I posted a note on the internet. Asking people if they had had any similar stories about problems with their insurance company. Within 24 hours. I had over 3700 responses. And by the end of the week. Over 25.000 people had sent me their healthcare horror stories. Some of them decided not to wait for me to get back to them. Like Doug Noe. Who took matters into his own hands. Without my permission. His daughter was nine months old when they discovered she was going deaf. His health insurance company. CIGNA. Said they'd pay for an implant in only one of her ears. According to the letter they sent. It's experimental for her to hear in to ears. If a cochlear implant is good for one ear, it doesn't even make any sense that it wouldn't be good for the second ear. Especially when a child is just starting to learn how to talk, she has to learn from both sides of her head. (Moore) That's when he sat down to write CIGNA a letter. This is to CIGNA. "Noted filmmaker Michael Moore is in the process of gathering information for his next film." "I've sent information concerning CIGNA's lack of caring for its policy holders." "Has your CEO ever been in a film before?" (Moore) Before he knew it. He received a call on his voice mail from CIGNA. (answerphone) Tuesday. 8.:54 am. Obviously all this worked because Annette is going to get her second implant in July. (woman) "Dear Mike. I work in the industry. " (woman #2) "I work for an HMO." (Moore) I started to get hundreds of letters of a different sort from people who work inside the healthcare industry. They'd seen everything and they were fed up with it. (man #2) "Health insurance companies suck. Flat suck. " (Moore) Like Becky Malke. Who was in charge of keeping sick people away from one of America's top insurance companies. (Becky) I work in a call center, so people call in and ask for insurance quotes. There are certain preexisting conditions, basically industry-wide, that will not be covered - diabetes, heart disease, certain forms of cancer. If you have these conditions, you are likely not going to get your health insurance. (Moore) How long is this list of conditions that make you ineligible? It would be a really long list. It would be a long list. It could wrap around this house. (# "Star Wars" theme plays) Sometimes you know they're gonna be declined at the end of the application, and they're like... God, like one time I had a couple, and they were so happy to get... I'm gonna cry. They were so happy that they were... I took them through this application. And the husband was late for work. And the wife said to him, "Don't worry, baby, it's gonna be OK." "We have health insurance now." And when I looked, I could tell they were gonna get declined because of their health conditions. And they were so happy. I thought, "God, they're gonna get that call in a couple of weeks telling them that they're not eligible for insurance." I just felt so bad 'cause I just really thought and I knew and I couldn't say anything to them. I just felt like crap. That's why I'm such a bitch on the phone to people, because I don't wanna get to know them, I don't wanna know about their lives, I just wanna get in and out, and get done with it 'cause I can't take the stress of it. (Moore) In spite of Becky being a bit of a pain on the phone. A quarter billion Americans are still able to get health insurance. Let's meet some of these happy insured customers. Maria has BlueShield. And Diane. Horizon BlueCross. BCS insures Laurel. And Caroline has CIGNA. And it's a good thing that they're all fully covered. I ended up being diagnosed with retroperitoneal cancer. - Brain tumor. - Breast cancer. Brain tumor on the right temporal lobe. (Moore) As they were insured. They got the red-carpet treatment at the doctor's office. She requested for me to see a neurologist. The way they would treat it was to remove it. Surgery was scheduled for December 9. There is a test that you can take that will show whether or not you would benefit from chemo. (Moore) They got their treatment. But not before battling their insurance companies. Investigated whether or not this was a preexisting condition. "It's not medically necessary." They claim that it's experimental. "We don't consider that life-threatening." (Moore) Diane died from her non life-threatening tumor. Laurel's cancer is now spread throughout her body. Her "experimental test" proved that Caroline needed chemo. While vacationing in Japan. Maria became ill and got the MRI that BlueShield of California had refused to approve. The doctors in Japan told her she had a brain tumor. BlueShield had said repeatedly she didn't have a tumor. That's when she said: "Well. I'm pretty sure I have a lawyer." (man #3) March 13, 2003. I'm gonna direct your attention to exhibit one. Please describe for me what it is. It is a denial for referral to an ophthalmologist. - (man #3) Is it your signature on this? - Yes. (man #3) I'd like to direct your attention to exhibit two. This is a denial of a request for referral for a magnetic resonance imaging test of the brain. - (man #3) It has your signature? - Yes. (man #3) Directing your attention to exhibit three. Please read this document. This is a denial of a referral to a neurosurgeon. (man #3) Can you explain for me how you came to sign the denial letter? This is a standard signature put on all denial letters. - (man #3) Is it your signature or a stamp? - That is a stamp. (man #3) Did you ever see a denial letter before your signature was stamped on it? No, but the denial letters are fundamentally the same. The denial letters that are sent out... - (man #3) The answer is no. - No. All right. The definition of a good director was somebody who saves the company money. (Moore) Dr. Linda Peeno was a medical reviewer for Humana. She left her job because she didn't like their way of doing business. (Dr. Peeno) I was told when I started that I had to keep a 10% denial. Then they were giving us reports weekly that would have all the cases we reviewed, the percent approved and the percent denied. And our actual percentage denial rate. Then there would be another report that compared me to all the other reviewers. The doctor with the highest percent of denials was gonna get a bonus. (Moore) Really? So you, as a doctor, working for the HMO, if you denied more people healthcare, you got a bonus? (Dr. Peeno) That was how they set it up. Any payment for a claim is referred to as a medical loss. That's the terminology the industry uses. I mean, when you don't spend money on somebody, you deny their care, or you make a decision that brings money in and you don't have to spend it, it's a savings to the company. (Moore) This is Tarsha Harris. BlueCross didn't deny her her treatment. And actually approved her operation. But then they discovered that in the distant past. She had had a yeast infection. Apparently it's common. Men, women can get a yeast infection. So I was prescribed the yeast infection cream, general cream, and it went away. She later applied for health insurance and that's what you're supposed to be disclosing - serious ailments. The yeast infection is not a serious ailment. There was nothing she could have done. It wasn't until they were gonna have to spend money that they looked. If they'd taken five minutes and wanted to clear up the yeast infection, they could've looked at her records or talked to her doctor. (Moore) Because of the undisclosed yeast infection. BlueCross dropped Tarsha Harris. She thinks she's put this behind her. And then BlueCross changes their mind, tells the doctors, "We're taking the money back, go get the money from Tarsha." The fact of the matter is it was a yeast infection, that's all it was. I'm still a little bitter because I don't trust insurance companies now. To me, it seems they're always gonna be looking for a way out. What happened to helping the person that's sick? Don't make their problems worse. (Moore) This is Lee Einer. If they weren't able to weed you out in the application process. Or deny you the care your doctor said you needed. And somehow ended up paying for the operation. They send in Lee. Their hitman. His job is to get the company's money back any way he can. All he has to do is find one slip-up on your application. Or a preexisting condition you didn't know you had. We're gonna go after this like it's a murder case. And I mean the whole unit dedicated to going through your health history for the last five years, looking for anything that would indicate that you concealed something, you misrepresented something, so that they can cancel the policy or jack the rates so high that you can't pay them. And if we couldn't find anything you didn't disclose on the application, you can still get hit with a preexisting denial, because you don't even have to have sought medical treatment for it. In some states, it's legal to have a prudent person preexisting condition. And that's a mouthful, I know, but what that says is if prior to your insurance kicking in, you had any symptom which would incline a normally prudent person to have sought medical care, then the condition of which that symptom was a symptom is excluded. I know! It's labyrinthine, isn't it? But that's how it works. They're supposed to be even-handed, but with an insurance company, it's their frigging money! So it's not unintentional, it's not a mistake, it's not an oversight, you're not slipping through the cracks. Somebody made that crack and swept you towards it. And the intent is to maximize profits. Looking back, I don't know that I killed anybody. Did I do harm in people's lives? Yeah. Hell, yeah. I haven't worked for insurance companies for a long time, and I don't think that really serves to atone for my participation in that mess. I am glad I'm out of it, though. (Moore) Julie Pierce was struggling to get care for her husband Tracy. Who was suffering from kidney cancer. Julie works in the intensive care unit at St. Joseph's Medical Center in Kansas City. Missouri. Which provided her family with health insurance. Every month, there was a new drug that the doctor wanted to try. My insurance denied it. One letter might say, "not a medical necessity," one letter might say, "it's not for this particular type of cancer," and they denied it. Then we came up with the bone marrow. It has showed to stop it, sometimes to completely get rid of it. (Moore) Tracy's doctors said this treatment had been successfully tried on many other patients. If one of Tracy's brothers turned out to be a suitable donor. There were promising bone marrow treatments for beating Tracy's cancer. Two weeks later, the bone marrow nurse at KU called me and she goes: "We've got the results back. His youngest brother is a perfect donor match." We were ecstatic. You know, I think that's the happiest I had seen him... in a while. So we submitted it and they denied it. Said it was "experimental." So I found out that there is a board of trustees over our medical plan that actually work at my hospital. And they are the final decision-makers on what gets approved and what doesn't. (Moore) Julie and her husband and their son. Tracy Junior. Demanded a meeting with the health plan's board of trustees. The very people who had the power to approve their claim. They told Julie that they were sympathetic to her situation. I said, "Your sympathy does me no good when I'm burying him next year." And I told them, I said if I was... Bruce van Cleve was our CEO. I said, "I bet if it was Bruce van Cleve's wife, it would get approved." "No, it's nothing like that." I said, "Or maybe if my husband was white." And I got up and walked out of the room. When we got home, I found him up in the bathroom. And I knocked on the door and said, "What are you doing in there?" "Nothing." I opened the door 'cause usually he'll say: "What do you think I'm doing in here?" And he was sitting in there and he was crying. And he said, "Why me? I'm a good person." And I said, "But we're not done fighting this." "We're strong, yeah." And then he said... You know, he goes, "I can see now that I'm gonna die." He said, "I can leave everything, but I don't want to leave you and Tracy." The doctor told me he would die in three weeks. And... On January 13th, which was my birthday, he went to sleep. And he died five days later, here at home. He was my best friend. He was my soul mate. He was my son's father. I mean, we were to grow old together. They took away everything that matters. I wanna know why, why my husband? Why wasn't he given the chance to live? You preach these vision and values that we care for the sick, the dying, the poor. That we're a healthcare that leaves no one behind. You left him behind. You didn't even give him a start. It was as if he was nothing. And I want them to have a conscience about it. And I don't think they do. I don't think it has fazed them one bit. At all. (Moore) There was one person in the healthcare industry who did have a conscience. Dr. Linda Peeno. A former medical reviewer at Humana. My name is Linda Peeno. I am here today to make a public confession. In the spring of 1987, as a physician, I denied a man a necessary operation that would have saved his life, and thus caused his death. No person and no group has held me accountable for this, because, in fact, what I did was I saved the company a half a million dollars for this. And, furthermore, this particular act secured my reputation as a good medical director, and it insured my continued advancement in the healthcare field. I went from making a few hundred dollars a week as a medical reviewer to an escalating six-figure income as a physician executive. In all my work, I had one primary duty, and that was to use my medical expertise for the financial benefit of the organization for which I worked. And I was told repeatedly that I was not denying care, I was simply denying payment. I know how managed care maims and kills patients. So I'm here to tell you about the dirty work of managed care. And I'm haunted by the thousands of pieces of paper on which I have written that deadly word - "denied." Thank you. (Moore) How did we get to the point of doctors at health insurance companies actually being responsible for the deaths of patients? Who invented this system? How did this all begin? Where did the HMO start? Thanks to the wonders of magnetic tape. We know. I am proposing today a new national health strategy. The purpose of this program is simply this - I want America to have the finest healthcare in the world, and I want every American to be able to have that care when he needs it. (Moore) The plan hatched beteen Nixon and Edgar Kaiser worked. In the ensuing years. Patients were given less and less care... (reporter) Bigger logjams at the nearby hospital and less quality medical care. Been here about 18 hours, since 7:00 this morning. (reporter) What looks cramped and unsightly can also be dangerous. (Moore)... while health insurance companies became wealthy. The system was broken. 37 million Americans are without protection against catastrophic illness. (reporter #2) The losers are the poor. Who may now postpone urgent healthcare until it's too late. (Moore) This went on for years. Until this man rode into town. Bringing with him his little lady. (# "I'll Take You There" by The Staple Singers) (Moore) Sassy. Smart. Sexy. Some men couldn't handle it. Today I am announcing the formation of the President's Task Force on National Health Reform, chaired by the First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Moore) Hillary Clinton decided to make healthcare for everyone her top priority. Universal coverage now. It will not depend upon where you work, whether you work, or if you have a preexisting condition. Healthcare that can never be taken away. (reporter #3) Some Republicans complain Mrs. Clinton is getting a free ride. It's fairly risky business what President Clinton did, to put his wife in charge of some big policy program. And while I don't share the chairman's joy at our holding hearings on a government-run healthcare system, I do share his intention to make the debate and the legislative process - as exciting as possible. - I'm sure you will do that, Mr. Armey. - We'll do the best we can. - You and Dr. Kevorkian, I think. I have been told about your charm and wit, and let me say... Reports on your charm are overstated - and reports on your wit are understated. - Thank you. Thank you very much. (Moore) She drove Washington insane. Do you want the government to control your healthcare? You won't have the choice of your own doctors. - Less government. - More control. - More government. - Less control for you and your family. When your mama gets sick, she might talk to a bureaucrat instead of a doctor. This is a total mess, and it's about to get messier. Not this bureaucratic, socialistic plan that they have. - Socialist takeover... - Socialized medicine. What really amounts to a giant social experiment. (Moore) Ooh! Socialized medicine. Nothing put more fear in us than the thought of that. And the chief fearmongers against socialized medicine have always been the good doctors of the American Medical Association. (man #4) This would put the government smack into your hospital, defining services, setting standards, establishing committees, calling for reports, deciding who gets in and who gets out. After all, the government has to treat everyone fair and equal, don't you know? Take us all the way down the road to a new system of medicine for everybody. (Moore) Yes. Medicine for everyone. The AMA didn't want that. And to drive the point home further. They held thousands of coffeeklatsches all over the country. Where they invited their neighbors to come and listen to a record made by a well-known actor on the evils of socialized medicine. My name is Ronald Reagan. One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a people. Has been by way of medicine. The doctor begins to lose freedoms. It's like telling a lie. And one leads to another. A doctor decides he wants to practice in one town. The government says to him. "You can't live in that town. They already have enough doctors. You have to go someplace else. " All of us can see what happens once you establish the precedent that the government can determine a man's working place and his methods. And behind it will come other federal programs that will invade every area of freedom as we have known it in this country. Until one day. We will awake to find that we have socialism. (reporter #4) The White House said to tone down the rhetoric. Reacting to burning an effigy of Hillary Clinton. (Moore) The times may have changed. But the scare tactics hadn't. The healthcare industries spent over a hundred million dollars to defeat Hillary's healthcare plan. And they succeeded. And I want now to introduce to you the president, because he loves the Easter egg roll. (Moore) For the next seven years in the White House. She wasn't allowed to bring it up again. Is anybody here older than two? (Moore) A decade and a half went by. And still America had no universal health plan. The United States slipped to number 37 in healthcare around the world. Just slightly ahead of Slovenia. (men speaking Slovenian) But that's understandable. Because Congress was busy with other matters. Mr. Speaker, today I rise to offer congratulations to the confectioners at Just Born Incorporated, as they celebrate the 50th anniversary of one of their most recognized and celebrated products, not to mention my daughter's favorite, Marshmallow Peeps. (Moore) And thus. The healthcare industry went unchecked into the 21 st century. Humana more than doubles its fourth quarter profit, lifts its earning for the year... United Health has tripled its share prices. (Moore) Making obscene profits better-than-expected earnings. There's a lot of wealthy shareholders out there. Are they willing to share some of that wealth? (Moore)... turning their CEOs into billionaires. And skirting the law whenever they wanted. But their biggest accomplishment was buying our United States Congress. (man #5) This is Washington at work. Lobbying has become so brazen... (Moore) With four times as many healthcare lobbyists than there are members of Congress. They even managed to buy off old foes. For her silence. Hillary was rewarded. And she became the second largest recipient in the Senate of healthcare industry contributions. We've given the entire healthcare system over to the insurance industry. - And they have total control. - (Moore) Well. Not total control. Drug companies like to buy their members of Congress too. Here's what it costs to buy these men. And this woman. This guy. And this guy. And him too. (man #6) Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. (Moore) And the biggest check was saved for last. Why did they hand out all this cash? They wanted a bill passed - a bill to help seniors with their prescriptions. Let there be no mistake about it. Republicans love their mothers, their fathers and their grandparents as much as anybody else on this hill, and we're gonna take care of them. (Moore) Of course. It was really a bill to hand over 800 billion of our tax dollars to the drug and health insurance industry. By letting the drug companies charge whatever they wanted. And making the private health insurance companies the middleman. Everybody was going to get their cut. The man they appointed to get the job done was congressman Billy Tauzin. He was the right man for the job because he had a secret weapon. There's no one in this house loves their mother more than I love my mother. I challenge you on that, sir. Nobody in this body that loves their mother any more or any less than any one of us. I love that woman. Do you think for a second you love your moms and dads any more than we love ours? Do you think Republicans and Democrats who will vote... Do you really believe that, Mr. Stoddard? God bless you. (Moore) Oh. They all loved their mothers. It's just that they didn't love our mothers as much. Now I'm honored and pleased to sign this historic piece of legislation - the Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement, and Modernization Act of 2003. (Moore) What they didn't tell us was that the elderly could end up paying more for their prescriptions than they did before. Over to thirds of senior citizens could still pay over $ 2.000 a year. And when it was over. 14 congressional aids who worked on the bill quit their jobs on the Hill and went to work for the healthcare industry. As did one congressman. # 'Cause I've got a golden ticket... (Moore) Billy Tauzin left Congress to become the CEO of PhRMA. The drug industry lobby. For a salary of $ 2 million a year. Oh. It was a happy day in Washington. Many Americans knew they were never going to see universal healthcare. And that's why some of them decided to look elsewhere for help. (woman #3) We're driving across the Detroit river. Back there is the Renaissance Center, you can see it. General Motors' headquarters, downtown Detroit, the skyline. You get a really nice view from driving over the bridge. (Moore) This is Adrian Campbell. A single mother. Who at the age of 22 came down with cancer. (Adrian) I got cervical cancer and I was denied through the insurance company. They said, "We're not paying for it because you're 22 and you don't have..." "You shouldn't be having cervical cancer. You're too young." (Moore) Forced into debt. But now cancer free. Adrian was fed up with the American healthcare system. She had a new plan. I have everything ready before I even hit the border. I got my passports ready, I got my money out. It's three dollars and 25 cents to get across one way. And I got everything just sitting up here on my visor just ready to go. Aurora, be very quiet. - Citizenships? - US. - Where do you live? - Michigan. - That's not on, right? - No. (Moore) She may live in Michigan. But ten blocks across the border. Adrian becomes a Canadian. How long have you been living here? Three months? A couple. I haven't applied for the OHIP card yet. - I still have mine. - It takes ten minutes. That's fine, I don't mind. OK, thank you. I put down Kyle's address at the clinic, and when they ask, you know, what my relationship is, I put down that I was his common-law partner. I don't like to lie and I don't like liars. It's little white lies, but it's... You know, I'm saving the money. You don't bring a checkbook when you go to the hospital here. It's provided to us. It's something you don't have to worry about or go out of your way to get. Stress free. - They called the cops. - (Moore) The presence of our camera alerted the clinic that something was up. And I don't think I'm gonna get seen now. So I have another idea. I'm gonna go down to the other clinic. There is a clinic down... one that we passed. The police showed up over there. Look. (Moore) Yes. What Adrian was doing was illegal. But we're Americans. We go into other countries when we need to. It's tricky. But it's allowed. (Kyle) It's kind of frustrating having... I mean... Just get married and that'd solve everything - she'd be covered. Americans marry Canadians just for the healthcare! - I'm being used. - (Moore) Sounds like a good idea. See if it works. Start something. Start a trend. In Canada they give everybody free healthcare. - Doesn't it work up there? - No, unfortunately it doesn't. We wait months to get treatment you can get in a week or a few days here. (reporter # 5) In Canada you have to wait nine to ten months for bypass surgery. (reporter #6) Many Canadians believe it's the healthcare system itself that's sick. (reporter #7) They pay their doctors less. (reporter #8) A surgeon can only do a certain number of operations each year. With only so many expensive new pieces of equipment. It's easier for your cat or dog to receive an MRI here in America. You die of cancer waiting for chemo 'cause all of Ottawa has one chemo machine. If you think socialized medicine is a good idea, ask a Canadian. (Moore) I thought who better to ask than my Canadian relatives. Bob and Estelle. But they wouldn't cross the border into America. They wanted me to meet them at Sears. In Canada. What are you guys doing here? - We're buying insurance. - We're going to the States to see you. Right, that's just across the river. Yeah. You wouldn't go over to see us in Michigan for a couple of hours without insurance? No, we wouldn't. We're just adamant about it. We would not do it. If somebody punches us in the mouth or something, something like that... You don't want to get caught in the American health system thing? We have nothing against Americans or America, or anything like that at all. - (Moore) We're a nice and simple people. - Not very simple, but certainly very nice. (Moore) I decided to explore their anti-American views further. Over some fine Canadian cuisine. We have a friend who went to Hawaii. And he sustained a head injury while he was there. And before he was well enough to come home, he had chalked up a bill of over $600,000. So what middle-class Canadian could absorb that? (Moore) I guess I feel bad that you would have to worry about something like that. We're not criticizing your country, we're just giving you the facts, that we could not afford to be without insurance. - (Moore) Even for a day? - Even for a day. (Moore) To prove their point even further. They sent me over to a local golf course to talk to Larry Godfrey. Who had a golfing accident while on vacation in Florida. I could hear a noise and feel a pain, and the tendon snapped off this bone here that holds the bicep in place. So this bicep muscle was released, like on an elastic, and it ended up here on my chest. - The muscle ended up in your chest? - Right. Ended up here. (Moore) Like all good golfers. Larry finished his round before seeking medical attention. That's when he got the bad news. I wasn't too worried as I had out-of-country insurance, but when he told me it was 23 or 24,000, then I... . - (Moore) 24,000? - Dollars, yes. So if you'd stayed in the United States, this would have cost you $ 24,000? Instead, you went back to Canada, and Canada paid your total expenses? - Everything. - Paid for the operation. It cost you? - Nothing. - Zero. Zero. Zero. I'm wondering why you expect your fellow Canadians, who don't have your problem, why should they, through their tax dollars, have to pay for a problem you have? Because we would do the same for them. It's just the way it's always been and it's the way we hope it'll always be. Right, but if you just had to pay for your problem, and don't pay for everybody else's problem, just take care of yourself? Well, there are a lot of people who aren't in a position to be able to do that. And somebody has to look after them. Are you a member of the Socialist Party? - No. No. - Green Party? No. Well, actually, I'm a member of the Conservative Party. Is that bad? - Well, it's just a little confusing. - Well... It shouldn't be. I think that... Where medical matters are concerned, it wouldn't matter in Canada what party you were affiliated with, if any. But, to us, as we look across the river here, you know, why don't you think we don't believe that? What's wrong on this issue with us? I guess the powers that be don't share our beliefs that healthcare ought to be universal. I mean, Canadians didn't until we met up with a guy named Tommy Douglas, who pretty much changed everyone's mind. - One guy? - One guy, yeah. One guy did it, he... - Can he come over and visit us? - He's dead, unfortunately. In fact, he was... He's just most recently been revered as Canada's singular most important person. - We think so much of... - You mean in your history? In our whole history. - More than your first prime minister? - Absolutely, yeah. Even more than Wayne Gretzky. - No way! - Absolutely. Yeah. - More than Céline Dion? - Great singer. More than Céline, yeah. - More than Rocky and Bullwinkle? - Maybe. As the blade went through, it caught the glove I was wearing and it sliced through the entire group of fingers, completely taking them off. And I realized that I needed help immediately. (man) Obviously, putting on amputated fingers or arms or limbs is one of the more dramatic things we can do. If you're looking at five fingers, you're looking at a 24-hour operation. There actually was four surgeons, as well as all the nurses and two different anesthetists to carry out an operation of that magnitude. When Brad came in, we didn't have to worry about whether he could afford it. He needed help and we could concentrate on the best way to bring him through it. (Moore) I met this American, he'd cut off the ends of two of his fingers with a saw. So when he arrived at the hospital, they told him one finger's gonna cost $60,000, and the other one was gonna be $12,000. He had to choose which finger he could afford. Down. Bend the long finger down. (surgeon) We've never told someone that they couldn't put a finger back on because the system wouldn't allow it. I'm very glad I work within a system that allows me the freedom to look after people, and not have to make choices like that. (Moore) It seems nothing we were told about the Canadian system was true. Maybe I was just in the wrong part of town. So I went across the city to a crowded hospital waiting room. How long did you have to wait here to get help? - 20 minutes. - 45 minutes. - I got helped right away. - You can see how crowded this is. They really do an amazing job. (Moore) Did you have to get permission to come to this hospital? - No. - No. We can go anywhere we want. (Moore) You don't have to get it preapproved by your insurance company? - Oh, heavens, no. - (Moore) Can you choose your doctor? - Oh, yes. - (Moore) What's your deductible? - Nothing. - I don't think we have any. I don't know. I don't think there's any, as far as I know. - (Moore) So what did this cost? - Nothing. We know in America people pay for their healthcare, but I guess we don't understand that, 'cause we don't have to deal with that. And we're dealing with Parkinson's, stroke, heart attack. We're very, very lucky. Really we are. I mean, we complain. People complain about everything, right? - (Moore) Right, you're Canadian. - But on the whole, it's a fabulous system for making sure that the least of us and the best of us are taken care of. (Moore) It turns out that Canadians live three years longer than we do. That's not hard to believe when you meet fellow Americans like Erik. # Oh, England, here we go (Moore) Erik Turnbow of Olympia. Washington. Saved up his whole life so that he could visit the famed Abbey Road crosswalk in London. But it wasn't enough for Erik to just walk across the road like The Beatles did. He had to do it his own special way. (man #7) Here's Erik, about to walk on his hands across Abbey Road. Ready? - Ugh! - (crack) (man #7) Try it again. - Are you in pain? - Yeah. (Moore) The British hospital didn't charge Erik anything for his stay. And only about ten bucks for all the way-cool drugs they gave him. - (man #7) You're all slung up. - I'm gonna be OK. (Moore) I decided to go to Great Britain to find out how a hospital stay could be free. And drugs could cost only ten dollars. If I come in here and I have a prescription and it requires 30 pills, how much is that? It's L6.65. That's the standard charge. (Moore) L6.65? So that's what? Ten dollars or so? - Yes. - What if I needed 60 pills, how much is it? - Same charge. - 120 pills? - L6.65 still. - It doesn't matter how many pills? - No. - What if it's an HIV drug or a cancer drug? Still L6.65. If they are under 16 or over 60, they're automatically exempt. (Moore) So only a working adult who earns enough money pays the L6.65? Everybody else gets medication free? - No money being exchanged here? - No, nothing. - There's no money being exchanged? - I'm over 60. We don't pay. What's the purpose of the cash register? I'm just wondering where's the bread and the milk and the candy in here? I can't pick up any laundry detergent here? No. I haven't been trained for that many years to be selling detergents, so no. (Moore) I next went to a state-run hospital. Operated by the National Health Service. (woman # 4) I'm due in seven weeks and I get six months off, paid. And then I can have six months off unpaid as well, so I'm actually taking a year. (Moore) Well, that sounds like a luxury where I'm from. Oh, really, it's not like that in the US? No? Not at all, no? (Moore) So what do you pay for a stay here? No one pays. They were asking how do people pay. I said there isn't... You don't, you just leave. It's national insurance. There's no bill at the end of it, as it were. (Moore) Even with insurance. There's bound to be a bill somewhere. - So where's the billing department? - There isn't a billing department. There's no such thing. (Moore) What did they charge for that baby? - Sorry? - You gotta pay before you can get out? - No. This is NHS. - No, no. Everything is on NHS. You know, it's not America. (Moore) Maybe I'd have better luck in the part where things get seriously expensive. This guy broke his ankle. How much will this cost him? The emergency room visit. He'll have some huge bill when he's done, right? Here... NHS, everything is free. (Moore) I'm asking about hospital charges and you're laughing. I was never asked this question in the emergency department, that's why. (Moore) I was starting to fall for this "everything is free" bit. And then I discovered this. So this is where people come to pay their bill when they're done staying here? No, this is the NHS hospital, so you don't pay the bill. You get to just go home? Why does it say "cashier" here if people don't have to pay a bill? All we have is a little man who stands behind a counter and he gives people money if they've had to pay for transport. Those who have reduced means get their travel expenses reimbursed. Thank you. (Moore) So in British hospitals. Instead of money going into the cashier's window. Money comes out. The criteria for letting you out are not if you've paid, the criteria are, are you fit to go and are you going somewhere safe? (Moore) Clearly. I was just the butt of a joke here. What I needed was a good old-fashioned American who would have some understanding. (woman #5) I first came to London in 1992. And we just ended up staying and we had three children here. Well, I had them all on the NHS, which is the British National Health Service. I think, like a lot of Americans, assumed that a socialized medicine was just bottom of the rung treatment, that the only way would be horrible and it would be like the Soviet Union. I mean, that's kind of how... - And it's terrible that that's what I thought. - (Moore) That's what I thought. Too. After having a baby. It's right back to the wheat fields. (singing in Russian) And then it occurred to me that back home in America. We've socialized a lot of things. I kind of like having a police department and fire department and the library. And I got to wondering. Why don't we have more of these free. Socialized things. Like healthcare? When did this whole idea that every British citizen should have a right to healthcare? Well, if you go back, it all began with democracy. Before we had the vote all the power was in the hands of rich people. If you had money, you could get healthcare, education, look after yourself when you were old. And what democracy did was to give the poor the vote. And it moved power from the marketplace to the polling station. From the wallet to the ballot. And what people said was very simple. They said, "In the 1930s, we had mass unemployment." "But we don't have unemployment during the war." "If you can have full employment by killing Germans, why can't we have it by building hospitals, schools, recruiting nurses and teachers?" If you can find money to kill people, you can find money to help people. Right. This leaflet that was issued was very, very straightforward. - What year was this? - This was 1948. "Your new National Health Service begins on the 5th of July." "What is it? How do you get it?" "It will provide you with all medical, dental and nursing care." "Everyone, rich or poor, man, woman or child, can use it or any part of it." "There are no charges, except for a few special items." "There is no insurance qualifications, but it is not a charity." "You are paying for it mainly as taxpayers, and it will relieve your money worries in times of illness." Now, somehow, the few words sum the whole thing up. (Moore) I was amazed when he said this all started in 1948. The British had come out of a devastating experience through World War II. The country was destroyed and nearly bankrupt. They had nothing. In just one eight-month period. Over 42.000 civilians lost their lives. What we went through in to hours on 911. They went through nearly every single day. Remember how we all felt after 911 ? All of us pulling together? I guess that's how they felt. And the first way that they decided to pull together after the war was to provide free medical care for everyone. Even Mrs. Thatcher said, "The National Health Service is safe in our hands." It's as non-controversial as votes for women. Nobody could say, "Why should women have the vote?" now. People wouldn't have it, they wouldn't in Britain. They wouldn't accept the deterioration or destruction of the National Health Service. If Thatcher or Blair said, "I'm going to dismantle national healthcare..." There would have been a revolution. (# "Street Fighting Man" by The Rolling Stones) (reporter #9) A report from the AMA into the health of 55- to 64-year-olds says Brits are far healthier than Americans. (man #8) For every illness that we looked at. Americans had more of it than English. (reporter #9) Cancer. Heart disease. Hypertension. Strokes. Lung disease. All significantly higher for Americans. Even the poorest people in England with all the environmental factors that give them the worst health in the country can expect to live longer than the wealthiest people in America. (Moore) I was wondering. Though. What's it like for the doctors here in Britain. Who have to live under this kind of state control? And you're a family doctor? Yeah, I suppose we'd call them GPs or general practitioners here. - Right, so you have a family practice? - Yeah, it's an NHS practice. We have nine doctors in that practice. - Paid for by the government? - Yeah. You work for the government? You're a government-paid doctor. A patient comes to you. Before you treat them, do you have to call the government insurance company before you treat them? No, I don't deal with money at all on an everyday basis. Have you ever had to say no to someone who was sick and needed help? - No, never. - Have you heard of anyone being in the hospital and being removed because they couldn't pay their bill? No, never. And I wouldn't want to work in that system. So working for the government, you probably have to use public transport? No. I have a car that I use and I drive to work. An old beater? You live in a rough part of town? I live in a terrific part of town. It's called Greenwich. It's a lovely house. It's a three-story house. (Moore) How many other families have to live with you? There's four bedrooms for my wife and my son. It's just the three of us there. - (Moore) How much did you pay for that? - L550,000. Yes, almost. (Moore) So, a million dollars? You're a government-paid doctor on a national health insurance healthcare plan, - and you live in a million-dollar home? - Yes. - I think my friends think we do quite well. - Really? How well do you do? I earn around 85,000, including pension. - L85,000? - L85,000 a year. And that includes pension that they would pay in to me. They probably earn just over L100,000 within my practice. - L100,000? So that's almost $ 200,000? - Yes, absolutely. The money that we earn, we get paid by what we do. So the better we do for our patients, then the more we get paid. - What do you mean? - There's a new system. And in that new system, if the most number of your patients have low blood pressures, or you get most of your patients to stop smoking, or you get your patients to have mental health reviews if they're unwell, or low cholesterols, then you get paid more. This year, if you get more people that are your patients to stop smoking, you'll get more money, you'll earn more? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So doctors in America do not have to fear having a universal healthcare? No. I think if you want to have two or three million-dollar homes and four or five nice cars and six or seven nice televisions, then maybe, yeah, you need to practice somewhere where you can earn that. But I think we live comfortably here. London is expensive, but I think we live comfortably. You're getting by OK on the million-dollar home, the Audi, and the flat-screen TV? Yeah, we're coping with those. I think democracy is the most revolutionary thing in the world. Far more revolutionary than socialist ideas, or anybody else's idea. Because if you have power, you use it to meet the needs of your community. And this idea of choice which capital talks about, "you've got to have a choice," choice depends on the freedom to choose. If you're shackled with debt, you don't have a freedom to choose. (Moore) It seems it benefits the system if the average person is shackled with debt. People in debt become hopeless, and hopeless people don't vote. They always say everyone should vote, but I think if the poor in Britain or the United States voted for people who represented their interests, it would be a real democratic revolution. So they don't want it to happen. So keeping people hopeless and pessimistic... See, I think there are two ways in which people are controlled. First of all, frighten people, and secondly, demoralize them. An educated, healthy and confident nation is harder to govern. And I think there's an element in the thinking of some people: "We don't want people to be educated, healthy and confident, because they would get out of control." The top 1 % of the world's population own 80% of the world's wealth. It's incredible that people put up with it, but they're poor, they're demoralized, they're frightened. And therefore, they think perhaps the safest thing to do is to take orders and hope for the best. (Moore) And hope for the best is what we do. Right from the moment we're born. We've got the worst infant mortality rate in the western world. A baby born in El Salvador has a better chance of surviving than a baby born in Detroit. But it gets better when we go to school. (man #9) Classrooms with 40 students. Schools with no labs. (Moore) No wonder the majority of our adults can't find Britain on a map. But that's OK. There's always college. By the time we graduate. Our ass is so in hock. We're in debt before our first job. I'm at about... we'll say about $35,000 in debt. That's for my third year in college. (Moore) You'll be the employee they're looking for - one who needs this job. 3,904, 3,905... What employer wouldn't employ someone thousands of dollars in debt. Because they won't cause any trouble? In addition to paying off your college debt. You need a job with health insurance. It would be horrible to lose that job. Wouldn't it? You can always quit, you know. There's no law that says you have to work here. (Moore) If that one job doesn't pay all the bills. Don't worry. You can get another one. And another one. And another one. I work three jobs, and I feel like I contribute. - You work three jobs? - Three jobs, yes. Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that. Get any sleep? (Moore) If you're not sleeping. Take pharmaceuticals. (man #10) You're tired all the time. You feel sad. (woman #8) If you suffer from excessive worry... (woman #9) Generalized anxiety disorder. (woman #10) It could be adult ADD. - (woman #11) Ask your doctor. - (man #11) Ask your doctor. (Moore) Yes. Ask your doctor. And ask him for more drugs. That should keep you doped up until it's time to retire. Did I say retire? (laughs) If you make it to 80. Your pension will still be there. Unlike the new employees for these companies. Who'll never see a pension. But I'm sure our kids will take care of us. Considering the great life we've given 'em. Remember. Let's defeat the terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them here. Kaiser Permanente is the largest HMO in the country. And Dawnelle Keyes was fortunate enough to be fully insured by them. It's a good thing. Because one night. Her 18-month-old daughter. Mychelle. Developed a fever of over 104. So. Like any responsible mom. She called 911. And the ambulance took Mychelle to the closest hospital. The hospital checked with her HMO and they were told that Kaiser would not cover the tests and the antibiotics necessary to treat Mychelle. She would have to take her to an in-netork. Kaiser-owned hospital. Kaiser said that I should bring her by car to the hospital, and that she shouldn't be treated at Martin Luther King. I just continued to ask them to treat her, and they refused. My daughter got worse and she had a seizure. (Moore) Dawnelle begged doctors to not listen to Kaiser and to treat her daughter. I was escorted out of the hospital because they felt that I was a threat. (Moore) After hours of delay. She was transported to Kaiser. And got there just in time to go into cardiac arrest. They worked on her for about 30 minutes, trying to revive her. And the doctors came in and let us know that she had expired. I was in a daze, a real daze. It just didn't seem real. I just held her. I held her and I told her that Mommy tried her best to help her, to make sure that she was gonna get the treatment she needed to receive. And that I was sorry that I wasn't able to help her. (toy) Simon says: Give the answer. (# computerized tune) Uh-oh. (Moore) This is Karena and her daughter Zoë. Karena is a graduate of Michigan State University. And a native of my hometown of Flint. Michigan. Six months ago. Zoë. Like Dawnelle's baby Mychelle. Came down with a high fever. What happened is she stopped breathing for a little while, turned blue and passed out in my arms, which was... It was the most horrible moment in my life, I think, just because I thought that she was either dead or dying. And I had no clue what to do. At the hospital, they gave her some medicine to bring the fever down, and examined her, took some blood. - (Moore) What was wrong with her? - It was a throat infection. But we stayed at the hospital from Friday to Sunday, - just so they could keep an eye on her. - You stayed there that long? Yeah. They just basically kept an eye on her. And how much did all this cost you, the three-plus days in the hospital? - Nothing. - Nothing? - Nothing. Nothing at all. - And that's because? - I live in France. - You live in France? Yeah. (Moore) Ah. France. They enjoy their wine. Their cigarettes and their fatty foods. And yet. Just like the Canadians and the Brits. They live much longer than we do. Something about that seemed grossly unfair. This is Alexi Cremieux. He spent his entire adult life in the US without health insurance. (Alexi) I lived in America for 13 years. I loved my life there. But then when I discovered that I had a tumor and I didn't have health insurance, unfortunately, I had to come back here. Even though I had never paid taxes in France 'cause I never worked here - I left when I was 18, I had no Social Security number - for them it was, "He needs treatment, he has no income, so we're gonna give him, you know, the treatment he needs." - (Moore) How are you doing now? - I'm healthy now, but I had three months of chemotherapy. So after three months, I saw my doctor and he said, "You wanna go back to work?" I said, "No, I don't feel like it." "Right now, I'm not ready." He said, "How much do you need?" I said, "Well, I don't know." He said, "Would three months be OK?" I said, "I think three months would be fine." He said, "OK, so take three months off." So he wrote me a note that I gave to my employer to make sure I got paid. - So I went to the south of France... - Wait a minute, three months off with pay? Yes. Yes. I get 65% paid by the government, and then the other 35% is paid by my employer. To make sure you get 100%. So it was April, it was spring again. So I started right away, sucking up some sun. And that really helped me a lot, to recharge my batteries. I mean, it was like night and day. In three months, I went from a 95-year-old man to a 35-year-old man again. But that's because I had that time to take care of myself. I'm not in a position to make any judgment concerning the American system. I think the United States is a great, great country. Americans are great people. I really love them. But as a doctor first, as a citizen second, and eventually, as a patient third, I'm very glad to be in France. It's kind of a luxury here. You are sick, you step in a hospital, you get the care you need. It doesn't depend on your premiums. It depends on what you need. One of the principles is solidarity. People who are better off pay for those who are worse off. You pay according to your means and you receive according to your needs. (Moore) Do you think that will ever work in America? No. (Moore) He could barely contain his seething anti-Americanism. And I just didn't want to listen to any more of it. So I found a group of Americans currently living in Paris. Who I know would tell me the truth. I was diagnosed five years ago with Type I diabetes. - I was a bit nervous to tell them I had... - (Moore) To tell the French? There's a place to check off if you have a chronic condition. I was nervous that they were going to charge me more. And instead, I went into a hospital, and had round-the-clock care. And they do an amazing amount of preventative care. They asked if you have a preexisting condition, not to punish you, but to give you more help? - Yes. - I was in the hospital for a year. As soon as I was in, it was, "Well, don't worry, just rest." - People said "Rest." - How many sick days do you get a year? - I think it's unlimited. - Unlimited? Yes. How can you limit sick days? If you're sick, you're sick. I've gone to emergency rooms numerous times, with four boys. And have never waited more than an hour. Never. I can call and somebody comes to the house in half an hour. No way? Making a house call? At your place? How many of you have had a house call from a doctor? No! - 3:00am last Friday. - And how much does this cost you? - Nothing. - What's this service called? Where are we going? We are going to see a man who has abdominal pain. - Abdominal pain? - Yeah. - Where do we go next? - The next visit? (# "L'amour est bleu" by Vicky Leandros) I say to anyone who asks me why I'm in this country is that I think it's one of the friendliest countries that I know of. And talk about family values - I mean, childcare, healthcare... We don't pay for day care. The day care where I send my daughter - and I was a teacher - standards are high. So how much does it cost you to have two children here? How much per hour? (Moore) Are you happy with how they're cared for? Here, my kids are sure that they are going to get a certain level of care, education, - college I don't have to worry about... - (Moore) What do you mean? - It's free. - (Moore) You're kidding? - You can get a college education for free. - (Moore) No way. - Yes. - There's not a sense of desperation. They rest, they enjoy life. They spend time with their kids, there's vacations, family time. - How many weeks of paid vacation? - Minimum five weeks. Five weeks? Minimum of five weeks? If you work for a large company, you get sometimes eight, ten weeks. - Remember that there is a 35-hour week. - The productivity rate is so high here. (Moore) I read it was higher than the United States. If they're working more than 35 hours a week, they'll get extra days off. That is for part-time and full-time employees. You get five weeks paid vacation even if you're a part-time employee? - Of course. - Everybody. If you get married, you get an extra week or seven days for your honeymoon. - In addition to your five weeks. - You're paid to take your honeymoon? Also if you move. You mean if you move from one apartment to another? You get one day. - You get a day to move and they pay you? - These are the laws here. When my daughter was three months old, they sent somebody to you to give you tips on what to do with your child, every single day, for free. And they'll come to your house and do your laundry! - They will! Sure! - No! Stop! Stop! - When you have a baby. - When you have a baby. What are you doing? You from the government? - Can she do anything else? - If I want, yes. She's, of course, taking care of the children. And I think if I ask her to prepare a meal for tonight, she can do it. No problem. She's coming twice a week. Four hours a day. So I can do everything I want, for me, for the house, for my husband, during four hours. It's very precious for me. You don't have any associations? Nothing to help like that? No. Nobody from the government comes to your home in America and does your laundry for you, if you're a new mother. - It's difficult. - Yeah. (woman #12) Something that I experience a lot of with my own family is guilt. Guilt for being here almost, and seeing the advantages and the benefits I have at such a young age. Things that my parents worked their whole life for and haven't come close to touching. It's really hard to know that you're here in a very privileged position, you know, not living the highlife, but in comparison, definitely. And that seems completely unfair. One of the things that keeps everything running here is that the government is afraid of the people. They're afraid of protests, they're afraid of reactions from the people. In the States, people are afraid of the government. They're afraid of acting up. They're afraid of protesting, afraid of getting out. In France, that's what people do. (Moore) Free college education. Free medical care. Government-issued nannies. I began to wonder how do they pay for all this? And then I realized they're drowning in taxes! I wanted to see what effect this would have on a nice French family. So I went to find out. - Hello. Welcome. - Hello. Thank you. It's very nice. - It's the news. - Yes. What is your combined income for the two of you together for, say one month? All right. You're an engineer and she's an assistant? Not bad. (Moore) How much is your mortgage? - (Moore) How many cars do you own? - Two. (Moore) Do you owe money from medical bills? Is there any other debt? Loans, anything? - Only the apartment. - (Moore) What are your other expenses? The fish. Fish. Vegetables. Vegetables are a big monthly expense for you. - Yes. And fruit. Yogurt. - Yogurt. What are your other big expenses? Very important. - (Moore) Kenya? - We liked. - (Moore) Are you happy? - Yes. (# "Je t'aime moi non plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin) (Moore) After seeing all this. I began to wonder. Was there a reason our government and our media wants us to hate the French? Are they worried we might like the French? Or like their ways of doing things? It was enough to make me put away my freedom fries. Meanwhile. Back at home. Hospitals had found a new way to deal with patients who didn't have health insurance and couldn't pay their bill. I was standing against the wall and I saw a cab do a U-turn and pull up to the curb. I watched to see what was happening 'cause I had a feeling what would occur, 'cause it's not a new thing. They pulled up right here by this yellow fire hydrant and dropped Carol off and immediately pulled away. And as soon as they pulled away, she walked out into the street about up to here. She then walked all the way down to the driveway down here, completely confused, has no shoes on whatsoever and just a hospital gown. And those gowns are thin. That's when one of our staff members went and asked Carol if she needed assistance and found out that she was disoriented and didn't know where she was. Kaiser Permanente in Bellflower hospital had put her in a cab and directed them to bring her to this drop-off point. But the names of the hospitals had been taken off both bracelets before she arrived. I have seen others that have come through our doors who have IVs still in their arms. (Moore) They told me that. At their shelter alone. Over 50 patients had been dumped there by hospitals. The options are few. We either open the front door and let them out, which is not the humane thing to do, or we try to find someplace for them to go. And right now, skid row is the best bed in town. (Moore) The night before we were there. The county hospital run by the University of Southern California. One of the richest private schools in the country. Dumped another patient off on the curb. A woman unable to pay her hospital bill. - Do you know how you got here? - In the cab. - In the cab? - From General Hospital. They gave him the voucher. He dropped me off there, he actually forced me out of the car. Ma'am, are you in pain right now? Are you in pain? - Yes. - Is there anything we can do? She, at this time, has broken ribs, broken collarbone, and stitches that are not completely healed across the top of her head and on the side of her head. Now let me ask you, ma'am. Before they dropped you off, did they ask you if you knew where you were going? No. They didn't ask you any questions about your orientation, or whether or not you knew what was going on? No, they just told me to take care of myself. (Moore) May I take a minute to ask a question that's been on my mind? Who are we? Is this what we've become? A nation that dumps its own citizens like so much garbage on the side of the curb. Because they can't pay their hospital bill? I always thought. And believe to this day. That we're a good and generous people. This is what we do if somebody's in trouble. Anybody gets sick, we all get together and help. (Moore) People with a good heart... (man #12) You feel like you're sacrificing, but you get a blessing from doing this. (Moore)... and a good soul. We've got a lot of support and we're gonna all keep working until we locate this child. (Moore) Neighbors quick to lend a helping hand to anyone in their hour of need. I deliver meals to them, but my life has been so blessed that this is just the least that I can do. (Moore) They say that you can judge a society by how it treats those who are the worst off. But is the opposite true? That you can judge a society by how it treats its best? Its heroes? (man #13) The firefighters and police, rescue and recovery workers have responded with true heroism. It was their initial heroism that thwarted the objectives of the terrorists. Without regard, in many instances, to their own safety and security. - They truly are heroes. - (man #14) We owe them everything! Here they are, the men and women who have been on the front lines for New York, and for all of us in America! Tonight is dedicated to you! Don't forget about the raffles going on over there - one dollar each. I spent two and a half years down there. I got upper and lower breathing problems. I need a double lung transplant, but was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. I haven't slept in a bed in over five years, I sleep on a chair with a blanket, because if I lay down I can't breathe. (Moore) There were hundreds of rescue workers on 911 who were not city employees. But rather ran down to Ground Zero on their own to help out. We need volunteers for first aid! (Moore) And many developed serious respiratory illnesses. That's when the government said: "They're not our responsibility because they weren't on our payroll. " John Graham is an EMT volunteer from Paramus. New Jersey. He was in Lower Manhattan when he heard the planes hit. And rushed over to help. He worked in the rescue effort for the next few months. But then had trouble receiving benefits for his illness. They just deny you for any reason. It's just a terrible waiting game. I really feel like they're waiting for you to die. It's terrible. I never thought that we would do this, that the United States would do this. (Moore) William Maher is a volunteer member of New Jersey's fire service. He spent to months working near The Pile at Ground Zero. Recovering bodies or body parts. And it deeply affected him. I'm experiencing a lot of disturbing dreams, or whatever you'd like to call them, and it affected what I was doing at night, and unaware of it because I was asleep and I just kept grinding and grinding my teeth. The upper fronts are damaged, practically beyond repair, because of my constant grinding over the last three years. I've been before a workers' comp board already for the 9/11 volunteers' fund. I've been denied three times, and hopefully I will go on my fourth appeal soon, if I can get the necessary documentation. (Moore) Of course. There was a $50 million fund set up supposedly to help rescue workers. Ladies and gentlemen, the governor of New York, George Pataki. (Moore) But the government. Like the health insurance companies. Made it very difficult for people to receive help. You have to have spent a certain amount of time at Ground Zero, you have to be able to establish that. You do have to file an affidavit within the next year, relating your work experiences at Ground Zero. And then, even with all of that, it's not automatic. There is a presumption when certain illnesses occur, but that presumption can be rebutted by other medical evidence. We think it is a very fair approach that protects our heroes. I'm sorry. (Moore) Reggie Cervantes was a volunteer medical technician on 911. Nothing makes it go away sometimes. Not water, not cough medicine, anything. It's just burning in my throat and irritated and it just gets me to coughing. Sometimes I have trouble breathing 'cause I can't catch my breath. (Moore) Reggie spent her days at Ground Zero carrying bodies and treating other rescue workers. My airway was totally burnt that first week, and I had trouble breathing by then. But we wanted to see if we could dig anybody up alive, we wanted to see if we had lost anybody, if we were still missing somebody. I wanted to help. I was trained for this. You know, you see somebody who is in need, you help 'em. (Moore) Reggie had difficulty getting treatment. Too sick to work and with no income. She was forced to quit her job. And used her savings to move her and her kids out of the city. It's hard to figure out how you're supposed to get help. We're trying to go about it the right way. But we're ignored. (Moore) But not everyone after 911 was ignored by the government. We're now approaching the five-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. So I'm announcing today that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi Binalshibh, and 11 other terrorists in CIA custody, have been transferred to the US naval base at Guantanamo Bay. (man #15) On that island are some of the world's most hardened enemy combatants. (man #16) These detainees are deadly and include the 20th hijacker, as well as a number of Osama bin Laden's personal bodyguards and others who had a direct role in the September 11 attacks. The kind of people held at Guantanamo include terrorist trainers, bomb-makers... Many of them have American blood on their hands and are the elite of al-Qaida. It seems to me we have an obligation to treat these individuals as enemy combatants. (Moore) And then I learned it wasn't all bad news at Gitmo. (man #16) Detainees representing a threat to our national security are given access to top-notch medical facilities. They have acute care 24 hours a day, in which surgical procedures, everything can be performed right there in the detainee camps. This is the dental clinic, or the health clinic. We have a physical therapy department, X-ray capabilities with digital X-rays. We have one single operating room. Health personnel to detainee ratio is one to four, remarkably high. They do sick call on the blocks three times per week, care for them there if they can, or bring that detainee back to the clinic to be seen there. Screening for cancer has taken place. Colonoscopy is a procedure which is performed there on a routine basis. We have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. We monitor the weight and nutrition of the detainees, so that we can track those detainees to make sure we see them frequently, monitoring their labs and their overall health. Their medical attention... They get way better medical treatment than I've ever had. - You think it's as good as most US HMOs? - Certainly very similar and as good, sir. (man #15) I leave with an impression that healthcare there is clearly better than they received at home, and as good as many people receive in the United States of America. (Moore) Wow! So there is actually one place on American soil that had free universal healthcare. That's all I needed to know. I went down to Miami. Florida. Got myself a boat. And loaded up Bill. And Reggie and John. John, welcome, sir. And anyone else I could find who needed to see a doctor and couldn't afford one. So many people showed up. I had to get a couple extra boats. And I called up Donna Smith from Denver. Who is now on nine different medications. And asked her if she'd like to come along. I figured she'd like to get out of her daughter's basement for a while. All right, let's go. Which way to Guantanamo Bay? Can we go? We're not going to Cuba! We're going to America! It's American soil! We made it. There it is. There's the runway. That's the prison over there where the detainees are. - (Reggie) We're very close. - Yeah, we're very close. The white building is the hospital, I think. OK, let's go. (Moore) We commandeered a fishing boat and sailed into Guantanamo Bay. As we approached the line in the water beteen the American and Cuban side. We were told to be careful for mines. Permission to enter. I have three 9/11 rescue workers. They need some medical attention. These are 9/11 rescue workers! They just want some medical attention! The same kind that al-Qaida is getting. They don't want any more than you're giving the evildoers, just the same! Hello. No one in the guard tower was responding and then we heard a siren. We figured it was time to get out of here. But what was I supposed to do with these sick people and no one to help them? I mean. Here we were stuck in some godforsaken Third World country. And communists. No less. When I was a kid. These people wanted to kill us. What was I supposed to do? (# "I'll See You in C-U-B-A" by the Austin Lounge Lizards) Excuse me, we're looking for a doctor. Is there a doctor here in Cuba? Any doctors? All in this one block? All right, thank you very much. Thank you. (Moore) OK. OK. I know what you're thinking. Cuba is where Lucifer lives. The worse place on Earth. The most evil nation ever created. How do we know that? 'Cause that's what we've been told for over 45 years. A series of offensive missile sites can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the western hemisphere. I'm not gonna yield until Fidel Castro allows freedom on the island. That's a... You can count on it. Put it in the bank. (Moore) It seems that what really bugged us about Castro was that he overthrew the dictator that we liked. And replaced him with a guy we didn't like - himself. And so now. After all these years. One thing is clear - the Cuban people have free universal healthcare. They've become known as having not only one of the best healthcare systems. But as being one of the most generous countries in providing doctors and medical equipment to Third World countries. In the US. Healthcare costs run nearly $ 7.000 per person. But in Cuba. They spend only $ 251. And yet the Cubans are able to have a lower infant mortality rate than the US. A longer average life span than the United States. They believe in preventive medicine. And it seems like there's a doctor on every block. Their only sin when it comes to healthcare seems to be that they don't do it for a profit. Anybody need medication right now from the pharmacy? - Are you the pharmacist? - Yes. Do you have this? - Is this one similar to yours? - (Reggie) Yeah. It's $120 in the US. - This is $120 in the US? - Yes. - How much is that in American dollars? - It's like five cents. - Five cents? - Yeah. More or less. Thank you very much. Muchas gracias. $120 is a lot of money when you get $1,000 in social security disability and need one or two a month. Five cents here? It's like the biggest insult. It just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. I wanna fill a suitcase up and go back home with it. (Moore) I took my group of sick Americans to a hospital to see if they could get some care. They didn't ask for money or an insurance card. Just their name... and date of birth. That was the entire intake session. (Moore) Thank you very much for doing this. I asked them to give us the same exact care they give their fellow Cuban citizens. No more. No less. And that's what they did. I'm Dr. Roque. I'm an internal medicine specialist. - John Graham. - How are you feeling? My lungs hurt. I have pain. I get pretty severe nosebleeds at times. I get terrible headaches in the night, but I haven't been evaluated for the sleep apnea for nine years. - Yeah, I have... - Many medications for lung problems. Almost every medication for lung problems, I've got. After 9/11, things have happened, my teeth started falling out. Because of certain conditions, I was grinding. There's one test that they recommended I take, it's about $5,000 to $ 7,000. The dentist that I talked to, it's like $15,000 or more. It's two years I have no medical coverage, so I can't go for the last part of the test. It's OK, everything's gonna be OK. Right? Yes. I am so... It's so hard for me to digest somebody saying it's free. Because 20 years of our lives have been spent fighting. So I am so grateful. No, you don't need to say that. - Thank you. Thank you. - OK. Come on, don't cry. Everything's gonna be OK, right? - Thank you. - At least what we can do, right? (Moore) Reggie was diagnosed with pulmonary and bronchial problems. The Cuban doctors gave her a treatment plan to follow back home. Along with some of those five cent inhalers. William Maher received a number of treatments on his neck and his back. Having ground down his teeth for three years due to post-traumatic stress. He left Cuba with a new set of teeth. After a series of tests on his heart. Lungs. Blood and stomach. John now knew what his ailments were. He was given a strict plan to follow. Plus a number of treatments and was feeling better than he had in years. The Cuban doctors were able to take Donna off five of her nine medications. And with a correct diagnosis. Gave her a treatment plan to help her live a more normal life. When firefighters and paramedics in Havana heard that the 911 rescue workers were in town. They invited them over to one of their firehouses. And so. On our last day there. As we arrived. They stood at attention because. They said. They wanted to honor the heroes of 911. Sí. Somos familia. Y los hermanos que perdimos en las Torres Gemelas se sintió en el mundo completo. The brothers we lost on 9/11 was felt around the world. - Mis hermanos. - Mis hermanos. Don't hesitate to hug a brother. It's very important for them to wear the SCBA so they don't end up like me. - They're lungs. - These tanks. SCBA. Self-Contained Breathing Apparatus. Tenemos una reserva también en el carro. Es un placer poder venir aquí. Esto es lo único que tenemos nosotros... F-F-F. Three Fs. (Moore) If this is what can happen beteen supposed enemies. If one enemy can hold out his hand and offer to heal. Then what else is possible? That's when I heard that the man who runs the biggest anti-Michael Moore website on the internet was going to have to shut it down. He could no longer afford to keep it up because his wife was ill and they couldn't afford to pay for her health insurance. He was faced with a choice of either keep attacking me or pay for his wife's health. Fortunately. He chose his wife. But something seemed wrong about being forced into such a decision. Why. In a free country. Shouldn't he be able to have health insurance and exercise his First Amendment right to run me into the ground? So I wrote a check for the $ 12.000 he needed to keep his wife insured and in treatment. And sent it to him anonymously. His wife got better and his website is still going strong. It was hard for me to acknowledge that in the end. We truly are all in the same boat. And that. No matter what our differences. We sink or swim together. That's how it seems to be everywhere else. They take care of each other. No matter what their disagreements. You know. When we see a good idea from another country. We grab it. If they build a better car. We drive it. If they make a better wine. We drink it. So if they've come up with a better way to treat the sick. To teach their kids. To take care of their babies. To simply be good to each other. Then what's our problem? Why can't we do that? They live in a world of "we." Not "me." We'll never fix anything until we get that one basic thing right. And powerful forces hope that we never do. And that we remain the only country in the western world without free universal healthcare. You know. If we ever did remove the chokehold of medical bills. College loans. Day care. And everything else that makes us afraid to step out of line. Well. Watch out. 'Cause it'll be a new day in America. In the meantime. I'm gonna go get the government to do my laundry. (# "Don't Be Shy" by Cat Stevens) (# "Alone Without You" by The Nightatchman) (# "Ce Monde Absurde" by Claude François) We got issue in America... Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their Their love with women all across this country. I don't have a job. I don't want to have more debts. I don't pay off anything else I already have out there. This is Adam. He had and accident. He's one of nearly 50 million Americans, with no health insurance. But this film, isn't about Adam. So this is the table saw. It was spinning that way... This is Rick. I was gripping a piece of wood. and I grabbed it here and it hit a knot... He sawed off the tops of two of his fingers. ... and it was that quick. His first thought? I don't have insurance, how much will it cost? Am I gonna have to pay cash for this? 2 or 3 thousand dollars or more? And does it mean we're not gonna get a car? Rick also doesn't have health coverage. So the hospital gave him a choice. Reattach the middle finger, for $60,000, or do the ring finger, for $12,000. It's an awful feeling. to just try to put a value on your body. Being a hopeless romantic, Rick chose the ring finger, for the bargain price of twelve grand. The top of his middle finger now enjoys its new home, in an Oregon land fill. I can do that thing, where, you know the old man used to like pull the finger off. But this movie isn't about Rick either. Yes, they are nearly 50 million Americans with no health insurance. They pray everyday they don't get sick, because 18 thousand of them will die this year, simply because, they're uninsured. But this movie isn't about them. It's about the 250 million of you, who have health insurance. Those of you who are living the American dream... It's moving day, for Larry and Donna Smith. They've packed everything they own, in these two cars. And are driving to Denver, Colorado, to their new home in their daughter's storage room. This is home sweet home. - Look at all that. - We'll get everything organized. We will... - What do we do with the computer? - It stays there. So, this is where Heather talked about we might have to put our bunk beds. I see what she's talking about. It wasn't suppose to end-up like this for Larry and Donna. They both had good jobs. She was a newspaper editor And he was a Union machinist. They raised six kids who all went to fine schools like the University of Chicago. But Larry had a heart attack... and then another one... and then another one. And then Donna got cancer. And even though they had health insurance, the co pays and the deductibles soon ended up. To the point where they could no longer afford to keep their home. Alright, if somebody had told me 10 years ago this was gonna happen to us because of healthcare, I would have said you're... : "it's not possible. "Not in the US, we wouldn't let that happen to people." My God... - Are we gonna quit? - No. It's just hard. They were bankrupt. So they moved in, with their daughter. We've got it all figured out. We emptied the dresser so you have a spot. Nice, very nice. Even their son Danny popped-in from across town to welcome them to Denver. What do we do about people like you guys. - I don't know, that's a good question. - Seriously. Who will pay the deductible for 9,000$ is what I'm trying to understand. that's part of healthcare. What about the people like Cathy and I that have to come up there and move you every 5 years, every 2 years, every year because you don't have enough money - to stay where you are. - That's what Russell keeps saying too. I'm sorry it's not what we wanted to have happen in life. And we're doing all what we can to make the change. You don't know what that feels like inside at fifty some years old, to have to reach out to my twenty-something year old for help. It's gonna be hard for 4, 5, 6, 7 month, it's gonna be hard. Now I'm having an overwhelming feeling of you bring your problems with you no matter where you go. Yeah. But I don't know what to do about that. By sheer coincidence their daughter's husband, Paul, was leaving on a job the very same day they arrived. We gotta go. Paul was a contractor. But they weren't many job lately. So he found work out of town. I'm sure you'll keep a telephone on most days, you know. Weird situation, ain't it? You can tell me where dad is going? Iraq... Why is daddy going to Iraq? To do some plumbing. This I do earlier in the morning. The first thing I do is I clean here. At age 79, Frank Cardeal, should be kicking back on a beach somewhere. But even though he's insured by Medicare, it doesn't cover all the cost of the drugs that he and his wife need. Being that I'm an employee here my medicine is for free. So that's why I gotta keep working. Until I die. There is nothing wrong with that. I always gotta keep my ears open because there's always spillage's. Sometime you get a gallon of milk. Tomato Sauce, oh, you're in trouble, it'll take half an hour to clean that up And I look on every aisle to be sure every thing is clean and if I seen something I pick it up whether it's paper or garbage One day I had the keys in my hand, and they went in there. And I had to climb in there to get the keys out. It's a sad situation. If there are golden years, I can find them, I'll tell you that. She had a painkiller for her hip. The bill's suffering... This is two hundred and thirteen dollars - What, for a painkiller? - I didn't take it. I backed off, I said no, I gotta come back. What's in it? What's in theses new drug that they all prescribe? That's why I say, I believe you need the half of the things they tell you. Because I have never taken medication. And now, as I'm getting older, I don't even like to take an aspirin. I do like a little Brandy. I don't really know how this happened but the trunk kind of came forward into the back seat. Laura Burnem was in a 45 miles an hour head on collision that knocked her out cold. Paramedics get her out of the car and into an ambulance for a trip to the hospital. I get a bill from my insurance company, telling me that the ambulance ride was not going to be paid for because it wasn't pre approuved. I don't know exactly when I was supposed to pre approuve it, you know... like after I gain consciousness in the car, before I got in the ambulance or, I should I've grab my cell phone off from the street and call while I was in the ambulance-- I mean it's just crazy. I've applied for Healthnet insurance, for Jason. They rejected him because of his height and weight. Jason is six feet tall and a hundred and thirty pounds. I applied for health care through BlueCross BlueShield and they answer me that my body mass index was two high. I'm five one, I weight a hundred and seventy five pounds I always thought that health insurance companies were there to help us. So I posted a note on the internet, asking people if they had had any similar stories about problems with their insurance company. Within 24 hours, I had over 3,700 responses, and by the end of the week, over 25.000 people had sent me their healthcare horror stories. Some of them decided not to wait for me to get back to them. Like Dough Noe, who decided to take matters into his own hands, without my permission. His daughter Annette was 9 months old when they discovered she as going deaf. His health insurance company, CIGNA, said they'd pay for an implant in only one of her ears. According to the letter they sent, it's experimental, for her to ear in two ears. If a Cochlear implant is good for one ear, it doesn't even make any sense that it wouldn't be good for the second ear. Especially when a child is just starting to learn how to talk, she has to learn from both sides of her head. That's when he sat down to write CIGNA a letter. This is to CIGNA. "Noted filmmaker, "Michael Moore is now in the process "of gathering information for his next film. "I've sent along information concerning CIGNA's lack of caring for its policy holders. "Has your C.E.O ever been in a film before?" Before he knew it, he received a call in his voice mail from CIGNA headquarters. Tuesday 8:54 am. Obviously all this worked because Annette is going to get her second implant in July. - Dear Mike, I work in the industry... - I work for an HMO... I started to get hundreds of letters of a different sort from people who work inside the health care industry. - I want to tell you, I hate HMOs. - They'd seen everything. - And they were fed up. - ... a corrupt system. Health insurance companies suck. Flat suck. Like Becky Melky who was in charge of keeping sick people away from one of America's top insurance companies. I work in a call center, so people call in and their asking for insurance quotes. They are certain preexisting conditions basically, industry-wide that will not be covered, diabetes, heart deceases, certain forms of cancer, that if you have these conditions you almost likely not going to get your health insurance. How long is this list of conditions that would make you ineligible? It's a very long list. A long list... You could wrap around this house... Sometimes you know ahead of time that they're gonna be declined at the end of the application, and you're like God, you know like one time I got a couple, and they were so happy to get... They were so happy that they were... I took them through this application. And the husband was late for work. And the wife said to him don't worry baby, it's gonna be okay because... we have health insurance now. And when I looked at their application, I could tell they were both gonna get declined because of their health conditions. And they were so happy... I thought God, they're gonna get that phone call in a couple of weeks telling them that they're not eligible for insurance. And I just felt so bad because I just really thought and I knew and I couldn't say anything to them. I just felt like crap. And that's why I'm such a bitch on the phone to people, because I don't wanna get to know them, I don't wanna... I don't wanna know about their lives, I just... wanna get in, and get out, and get done with it because I can't... I can't take the stress I'm... In spite of Becky being a bit of a pain on the phone, a quarter of billion Americans are still able to get health insurance. Call toll free. Let's meet some of these happy insured customers, like Maria, who has Blue Shield, and Diane, who has Horizon Blue Cross. Laura has insurance through BCS, and Amy is fully insured by Megalife. And it's good thing that they're all fully covered, I ended out being diagnosed with rachio-cancer. Brain tumor. Breast cancer. Brain tumor on the right temporal lobe. Because they were insured, they got the red carpet treatment at the doctor's office. She requested for me to see a neurologist. The way they were gonna treat it was to remove it. The surgery was scheduled for December 9th. I was waiting for my first dose of chemo. They got their treatment, all right, But not before battling with their insurance companies. My insurance company denied all IV drugs for me. And all I was getting was IV drugs. This was a preexisting condition. It's not medically necessary. We don't consider that life threatening. Diane died from her non-threatening tumor. Laura's cancer is now spread throughout her body. Amy's cancer found its way through the brain and killed her a couple of years later. While vacationing in Japan, Maria became ill and got the MRI that Blue Shield of California had refused to approve. The doctors in Japan told her she had a brain tumor. Blue Shield had said repeatedly she didn't have a tumor. That's when she said... Well, I'm pretty sure I have a lawyer. March 13, 2003. Let me direct your attention to exhibit one. Please, describe for me what it is. It is a denial for referral to an ophthalmologist. - Is it your signature on the document? - Yes. Let me direct your attention to exhibit 2. This is a denial of... a request for referral for a Magnetic Resonance Imaging test of the brain. - It has your signature? - Yes. I'd like to direct your attention to exhibit 3. Please, read this document. This is a denial of a referral to a neurosurgeon. Can you explain for me how you came to sign the denial letter? This is a standard signature that's put on all denial letters. Is that your signature or is that stamp? That is a stamp. Did you ever see a denial letter before your signature was stamped on it? No, but the denial letters are fundamentally the same there. The denial letters that are sent out... - The answer is no. - No. All right. The very definition of a medical director is somebody who can save the company a lot of money. Doctor Linda Pino was a medical reviewer for Humana. She left her job because she didn't like their way of doing business. You look at a particular case or a question at hand, and you start looking for ways to deny in order to save money. I mean, that's your goal. So, you look to the language which says there's exclusion, and you say: "Ha, ha... "this is great, this is a technical denial." I don't have to get to any of the kind of muddy issue. I can just deny it. The doctor with the highest percent of denials - was actually gonna get a bonus. - Really? That was the way they had set the system out. Any payment for a claim is referred to as a medical loss. That's the terminology the industry uses. I mean, when you don't spend money on somebody, you deny their care, or you make a decision that brings money in and you don't have to spend it, it's a savings to the company. This is Tarsha Harris. Blue Cross didn't deny her her treatment, and actually approved her operation. But then, they discovered that in a distant past, she had had... yeast infection. Apparently, it's common. Men, women can get a yeast infection. So, I was prescribed the yeast infection cream, general cream, and it went away. She later applied for health insurance and that's what you're supposed to be disclosing, serious ailments. The yeast infection was independent and it's not a serious ailment. There was nothing else she could have done. It wasn't until they were gonna have to spend money that they looked. If they'd taken 5 minutes beforehand, and wanted to clear up the yeast infection, they could've looked in her medical records or talked to her doctor. Because of the undisclosed yeast infection, Blue Cross dropped Tarsha Harris. She thinks she's put this behind her. And then, Blue Cross changes their mind, tells the doctors we're taking the money back, go get the money from Tarsha. The fact in the matter is it was a yeast infection. That's all it was. I'm still a little bitter because I don't trust insurance companies now. To me, it seems they're always gonna be looking for a way out. You know, what happened to helping the person that's sick? Don't make their problems worse? This is Lee Inerm. If they weren't able to weed you out in the application process, or deny you the care your doctor said you needed, and somehow ended up paying for the operation, they send in Lee, their hitman. His job is to get the company's money back any way he can. All he has to do is find one slip up on your application or a preexisting condition you didn't know you had. We're gonna go after this like it's a murder case. And I mean my whole unit dedicated to going through your health history for the last five years, looking for anything that would indicated that you concealed something, you misrepresented something, so that they can cancel the policy, or chart the rate so high you can't pay them. And if we didn't find anything you didn't disclose on the application, you can still get hit with a preexisting denial. Because you don't even have to have sought medical treatment for it. In some states, it's legal to have what's called "Prudent Person Preexisting Condition", and that's a mouthful, I know, but what that says is if prior to your insurance kicking in, you had any symptom, which would incline a normally prudent person to have sought medical care, then, the condition of which that symptom was a symptom is excluded. I know! It's labyrinthine, isn't it? But that's how it works. They're supposed to be fair and even-handed, but with an insurance company, it's their frigging money! So, it's not unintentional, it's not a mistake, it's not an oversight, you're not slipping through the cracks, somebody made that crack and swept you towards it. And the intent is to maximize profits. Looking back, I don't know that I killed anybody. Did I do harm in people's life? Yeah. Hell, yeah. I haven't worked for insurance companies for a long time, and I don't think that really serves to atone for my... participation in that mess. I am glad I'm out of it, though. Julie Pierce was struggling to get care for her husband Tracy, who was suffering from kidney cancer. Julie works in the intensive care unit at Saint Joseph medical center, in Kansas City, Missouri, which provided her family with health insurance. Every month, there was a new drug that the doctors wanted to try. My insurance denied it. One letter might say not a medical necessity, one letter might say it's not for this particular type of cancer, and they denied it. Then, we came up with the bone marrow It had showed to stop it, sometimes, completely get rid of it. Tracy's doctors said that this treatment had been successfully tried on many other patients. If one of Tracy's brothers turned out to be a suitable donor, they were promising bone marrow treatments forbidding Tracy's cancer. Two weeks later, the bone marrow nurse at KU called me and she goes, we've got the results back. His youngest brother is a perfect donor match. We were ecstatic. You know, I think that's a the happiest I had seen him in a while. So, we submitted it, and they denied it. Said it was experimental. So, I found out that there is a board of trustees over our medical plan that actually work at my hospital. And they are the final decision makers on what gets approved and what doesn't get approved. Julie and her husband and their son, Tracy Junior, demanded a meeting with the health plan's board of trustees the very people who had the power to approve their claim. They told Julie that they were sympathetic to her situation. I said, your sympathy does me no good when I'm burying him next year. And I told them, I said if I was... Bruce Van Cleef was our CEO, I said, I bet if it was Bruce Van Cleef's wife, it were to get approved. No, it's nothing like that! And I said, or maybe if my husband was white..." And I got up and walked out of the room. When we got home, I found him up in the bathroom, and I knocked on the door and said, "What are you doing in there?" "Nothing". And I opened the door because usually, he'll say: "What do you think I'm doing in here?" And he was sitting there and he was crying. And he said: Why me? "I'm a good person". And I said: But we're not done fighting this. We're strong, yeah. And he said... You know, he goes: I can see now that I'm gonna die. He said: "But I can leave everything in the world "but I don't want to leave you and Tracy." The doctor told me he would die in three weeks. And... On January 13th, which was my birthday, he went to sleep, and he died five days later, here at home. He was my best friend, he was my soul mate, he was my son's father. I mean, we were to grow old together. They took away everything that matters. I wanna know why, why my husband. Why wasn't he given the chance to live. You preach these vision and values that we care for the sick, the dying, the poor... that we're a healthcare that leaves no one behind. You left him behind! You didn't even give him a start! It was as if he was nothing. And I want them to have a conscious about it. And I don't think they do! I don't think it has faced them one bit... at all. There was one person in the healthcare industry who did have a conscience. Dr. Linda Pino, former medical reviewer at Humana. My name is Linda Pino, I am here primarily today to make a public confession. On spring of 1997, as a physician, I denied a man a necessary operation that would have saved his life and thus caused his death. No person and no group has held me accountable for this, because in fact, what I did was I saved the company a half a million dollars for this. And, furthermore, this particular act secured my reputation as a good medical director, and it insured my continued advancement in the healthcare field. I went from making a few hundred dollars a week as a medical reviewer to an escalating six figure income as a position executive. In all my work, I had one primary duty, and that was to use my medical expertise for the financial benefit of the organization for which I worked. And I was told repeatedly that I was not denying care, I was simply denying payment. I know how manage care maims and kills patients. So, I'm here to tell you about the dirty work of manage care. And I'm haunted by the thousands of pieces of paper on which I have written that deadly word: denied. Thank you. How did we get to the point doctors and health insurance companies actually being responsible for the death of patients? Who invented this system? How did this all begin? Where did the HMO start? Thanks to the wonders of magnetic tape, we know. I am proposing today a new national health strategy. The purpose of this program is simply this: I want America to have the finest health care in the world, and I want every American to be able to have that care when he needs it. The plan hatched between Nixon and Edgar Kaiser worked. In the ensuing years, patients were given less and less care. Bigger logs-in in the nearby public hospitals and less quality medical care. Been here 'bout 18 hours, since 7 in the morning. What looks cramped and unsightly can also be dangerous. While the health insurance company became wealthy, the system was broken. 37 millions Americans are without protection against catastrophic illness. The losers are the poor, who may now postpone urgently needed healthcare until it's too late. This went on for years, until this man road into town, bringing with him his little lady. Sassy. Smart. Sexy. Some men couldn't handle it. Today I am announcing the formation of the president's task force on national health reform. chaired by the First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Hillary Rodham Clinton decided to make healthcare for everyone. her top priority. Universal coverage now! It will not depend upon where you work, whether you work or whether you have a pre-existing condition. Healthcares, they can never be taken away. Some republicans complain Mrs. Clinton is getting a free ride because she's the President's wife. It's fairly risky business, I believe, what President Clinton did, to put his wife in charge of some big policy program. and while I don't share the chairman's joy at the holding hearings on a government-run healthcare system. I do share his intention to make the debate in the legislature process as exciting as possible. I'm sure you will do that, Mr. Armey. - We'll do the best we can. - You and Dr. Kevorkian, I think. I have been told about your charm and wit, and let me say... The reports on your charm are overstated, the reports on your wit are understated. Thank you, thank you very much. She drove Washington insane. Do you really want the federal government to control your healthcare? You won't have the choice of your own doctors. - Less government... - More government control. - More government... - Less control for you and your family. When your mama gets sick, she might talk to a bureaucrat instead of a doctor. This is a total mess, and it's about to get messier. Not this big, bureaucratic, socialistic plan that they have! - Socialist takeover... - Socialized medicine. What really amounts to a giant social experiment. Nothing puts more fear in us that the thought of that. And the chiefs fear mongers against socialized medicine have always been the good doctors of the American Medical Association. This would put the government smack into your hospital, defining services, setting standards, establishing committees, calling for reports, deciding who gets in and who gets out. After all, the government has to treat everyone fair and equal, don't you know? Take us all the way, down the road to a new system of medicine for everybody. Yes, medicine for everyone, the AMA didn't want that And to drive the point home further, they held thousands of coffee clatches all over the country, where they invited their neighbors to come and listen to a record, made by a well-known actor, on the evils of socialized medicine. My name is Ronald Reagan. One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on our people, has been by way of medicine. The doctor begins to lose freedom. It's like telling a lie, and one leads to another A doctor decides he wants to practice in one town. And the government has to say to him : "You can't live in that town, "they already have enough doctors, you have to go some place else." All of us can see what happens, once you established a precedent, that a government can determine a man's working place and his working methods and behind, it will come other federal programs that will invade every area of freedom as we have known it in this country. Until, on day, we will awake to find... that we have socialism. The White House said today it's time to turn down the rhetoric, reacting to burning an effigy of Hillary Rodham Clinton. The times may have changed but the scare tactics hadn't. The healthcare industries spent over a hundred millions dollars to defeat Hillary's healthcare plan and they succeeded. And I want to introduce to you the president, because he loves the Easter egg role. For the next seven years in the White House, she was not allowed to bring it up again. Is anybody here older than two? A decade and a half went by, and still America had no universal health plan. The United States slipped to number 37 in healthcare around the world, just slightly ahead of Slovenia. But that's understandable, because Congress was busy with other matters. Mister speaker, today I rise to offer congratulations to the confectioners of Just Born Incorporated, as they celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of one of their most recognized and celebrated products, not to mention my daughter's favorite, Marshmallow Peeps. And thus the healthcare industry went unchecked into the early twenty-first century. Humana more than doubled its 4th quarter profit, lifts its earning outlook for the year as well... United Health has tripled its share's prices. Making obscene profits better than unexpected earnings, one of them.... There's a lot of really wealthy shareholders, out there. Are they willing to actually share some of that wealth? Turning their CEOs into billionaires... and skirting the law whenever they wanted. But their biggest accomplishment was buying our United States Congress. This is Washington at work. Lobbying has become so brazen, the money is being collected... With four time as many healthcare lobbyists than they are members of Congress. They even manage to buy off old foes. For her silence, Hillary was rewarded, and she became the second largest recipient in the Senate of healthcare industry contributions. We've given the entire health care system over to the insurance industry. And they have total control. Well, not total control. Drug companies like to buy their members of Congress too. Here is what it costs to buy these men. And this woman. This guy. And this guy. And him too. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. And the biggest check was saved for last. Why did they hand out all this cash? They wanted a bill passed. A bill to help seniors with their prescriptions. Let there be no mistake about it. Republicans love their mothers and their fathers and their grand-parents. as much as anybody else on this Hill And we're gonna take care of them in this country. Of course, it was really a bill to hand over 800 billion of our tax dollars to the drug and health insurance industry. by letting the drug companies charge, whatever they wanted, and making the private health insurance companies, the middle man. Everybody was going to get their cut. The man they appointed to get the job done, was congressman Billy Tauzin. He was the right man for the job, because he had a secret weapon. No one in this house loves their mother more than I love my mother. I'd challenge you on that, sir. Nobody in this... body, loves their mother any more or any less than anyone of us. I love that woman. Do you think for a second you love your moms and dads any more than we love ours? Do you think Republicans and Democrats will vote for you? Do you really believe that, Mr. Stark? God bless you. They all loved their mothers, it's just that they didn't love our mothers... as much. Now I'm honored and pleased to sign this historic piece of legislation, the Medicare Prescription Drug Improvement and Modernization Act of 2003. What they didn't tell us, was that the elderly could end up paying more for that prescriptions than they did before. Over two thirds of senior citizens would still pay over 2000 dollars a year. And when it was all over, 14 congressional aids, who worked on the bill, quit their jobs on the Hill, and went to work for the healthcare industry. As did one congressman. Billy Tauzin left Congress, to become the CEO of Phrma, a drug industry lobby, for the salary of 2 millions dollars a year. Oh, it was a happy day in Washington. Many Americans knew they were never going to see universal healthcare, and that's why some of them decided to look elsewhere for help. We're driving across the Detroit river. Back there is the Renaissance Center, you can see the Renaissance Center, General Motors headquarters, downtown Detroit, the skyline... You get a really nice view from driving over the bridge. This is Adrian Campbell, a single mother, who at the age of 22 came down with cancer. I got cervical cancer and i was denied through the insurance company. They say "We're not paying for because you're 22 and you don't have... "You shouldn't be having cervical cancer." "You're too young." Forced into debt, but now cancer free, Adrian was fed up with the American care system. She had a new plan. I have everything ready, before I even hit the border. I got my passport ready, I got my money out for the... You know, the... 3 dollars and 25 cents to get across one-way. And I got everything just sitting up here on my visor just ready to go. Now Laura, be very quiet. - Citizenship? - US. - Where do you live? - I live in Michigan. - That's not on, right? - No. She may live in Michigan but ten blocks across the border, Adrian becomes a Canadian. How long have you been living here? - 3 months? - A couple. I haven't applied for the ? card yet - I still have mine. - It takes 10 minutes. That's fine, I don't mind. we're just looking for my wife. She sometimes comes here to... use the... restroom. Oh, Linda? You must be Bob! Yes. Wait, y-you know her? Well, as much as you can know a woman who comes to your hotel once or twice a week to poop. Hey, isn't it her birthday today? Uh, yes. Hey, Tim. Have you seen Linda today? Oh, please, it's barely noon. ♪ She does her B.M. in the p.m. ♪ Hi, Tim. ♪ Hey, Tina ♪ ♪ How you doing, girl? ♪ Huh, well, she's not here, so we better go. What? No, stay a little. We finally get to meet you after all these years. Years? Where does the time go? We-we really got to find my wife. Nice meeting you though. Bye. Bye. Say hi to Linda for me. Tell her we got new potpourri. She was absolutely right. Uh, will do. Just four more blocks. Oh, God, this thing? Welcome to Chalk of the Town. Oh, God, it's you. Oh, you and your dumb cups. What happened? Oh, you smell. It's been a rough morning, Deirdre. What is that, some sort of street diaper? You're a street diaper. No, you're the street diaper. No, you! Okay, you're the one actually wearing a street diaper, so if anyone is a street diaper, it's you. Step aside, street diaper. I'm going through. Oh, not without a ticket, I'm afraid. Well, I'm afraid it's a public street, so get out of my way. You should have been nicer at the grocery store and maybe I would. Uh-oh! Your cups are spilling! What are you do... Oh, my God. I guess these weren't the good ones after all. Oh, don't! Stop! No! My chalksterpiece! Do not move. Just carefully step off. What is this? It's the story of America, and you're scuffing it up, you hag! Hag? ! Yep. You know what I think? I think I'm gonna do a little twist. No. No. A little twist and shout. No! Don't you do it. A twist a twisty shout. How-how about the Charleston? I'm gonna Charleston on your face! Come back here! I'm gonna get you! Help! She's crazy! Get back here! She's destroying the art! No, I'm not! You're the one stepping all over everything! Sorry, sorry! Ooh, good manhole! Ooh, space! Hi, aliens! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Damn it! Wow. People are very divided on your mom. Where is she? Does this town have cults? Maybe she joined one of those. I might know a place where she could be. Where? She's probably not there. I shouldn't have said anything. Let's definitely not go. Well, she's not here. Let's call it. Wait, Louise, you and your mom come here? Used to come. To pet the puppies? No. I guess. I don't know; I've never even come inside the store. I'm always outside just pitching pennies, breaking bottles, you know, being a hoodlum. Hey, Louise, I thought that was you. Oh, hi, Robert. Want me to get out Colonel Fluffles again? He missed you. Hi, Louise, how you doing? Oh, God, don't make eye contact. He's reeling me in. Colonel Fluffles! You're so... ♪ Someone comes to the pet store with Mom. ♪ I'm beginning to think my secret bathroom trips with Mom aren't as fun as what you guys do. Uh, he's getting old. I'm just a puppy. Well, he's got cloudy eyes this time. Yeah, I know, his eyes are a little... But I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm a scrapper. Oh, he looks lumpier than last time. I'm a little bit lumpy, but that's just more to love. Yes, that is. Want to say hi to Uncle Feathers? All right! Did it just say "all right"? All right! Wow. Your mom leads a rich, kind of odd life that I did not know about. Bobby, does this parrot make me look cool? Oh, crap. I just realized, if Linda gets home, she can't get in. She doesn't have her keys. One of us should have stayed behind. Not it. Gene, it's too late. N-Never mind. Let's go. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha! I did it! I actually made it home. Bob! Kids! Let me in! Mommy's home! It's the birthday girl! Where are they? Aah! Ooh. Aah! Not gonna let this birthday win. Yes! I win! Son of a bitch. Ha! Ha-ha! Whoa! Mom? Lin? Happy Spa Day. That's me. You sure it was only one skunk, Mom? No, it was two, or it was the same guy twice. Mom, is it cool if I dip my grilled cheese in your tomato bath? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah! So, wait, what color were the horses again? Just plain brown, I guess. Yes. Lin, I got to tell you, I learned some new things about you today. Stuff I didn't know. Stuff I respect, kind of, and I'm glad to say, after all these years, I'm still finding little surprises. Also, I wrote all of that in your birthday card. See? Oh, yeah. Aw. Yep, I did that. But sorry your birthday was horrible, Lin. Hey, don't be sorry. This was the best birthday ever. What? Yeah. I kicked this day's butt. I still got it. I think I might even be getting better. I want this to be the new tradition. Every year on my birthday, you blindfold me and you drop me off somewhere with no cell phone and no money, and I have to make my way home. Deal! Now let's Bloody Mary up this tub! It's Mommy's birthday! - Gene, grab the vodka! - All right. On it! ♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪ ♪ She does a B.M. in the p.m. ♪ ♪ Not number one, number two ♪ ♪ It's a potpourri for you and me, yeah ♪ ♪ She does a B.M. in the p.m. ♪ ♪ You gotta ♪ ♪ When she gotta go, yeah ♪ ♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪ ♪ She gotta go, yeah, when she gotta go, yeah ♪ ♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪ ♪ She gotta go, yeah ♪ ♪ 'Cause when she gotta go, she gotta go ♪ ♪ She does a B.M. ♪ (door bell tinkles) Hi, everyone. Hey, Teddy. Hi, Teddy. Hi, little witch. (music plays, witch chatters) Aah! It has a motion sensor. It's okay, Teddy. Calm down. (whoops) Look at her go. She's all that and a pointy hat. Is it me, or is she just doing the same thing over and over again? How's it work? It's electronic. Just move your hand in front of it. Aah! I just explained it. Turn it off! She won't stop making eye contact with me! Aw, come on, Teddy. Tomorrow's Halloween. We're trying to get into the holiday spirit. Boo! Yeah, we're even taking the kids to a haunted house this afternoon. It's an annual tradition. Like when Dad replaces all the sponges. Sponge Day! They last longer than you think. Ugh! Again with the haunted houses? I think I'll pass this year. What's the matter, Louise? You don't like being scared? Are you kidding? I would love to be scared. The problem is I see every scare coming a mile away. Don't you? Why doesn't everyone? (groans, stammers) Haunted houses are so dumb. Oh, a coffin. Real original. I wonder if something's gonna pop out of there. (evil laughter) Aah! Aah! (honks nose) SCARY CLOWN: Oh. (growls) GENE TINA: Aah! Okay, maybe wear less cologne next time. Smell kind of gave you away. He smells terrifying. (mimicking chainsaw) Sir... you're making chainsaw noises with your mouth. Sorry. Yeah. (sighs) It's not fair. Tina and Gene can be scared by anything. Watch. Aah! Aah! Clapping! And look at Teddy. He gets scared by a toy witch. (music plays, witch chatters) Aah! Get out of here! Be nice to her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. There. There's your little hat. See? I want that. I mean, not that exactly but something like that. That rush! That's a shame, Louise. Hey, could I trouble you for another side of... pickles! TINA GENE: Aah! Nice try, Mort. It's just not gonna work. I can't be scared. It's a curse. Could I still get those pickles? No. Oh. I'm upset. Louise, what if I told you this is the year you finally get scared? Because this haunted house is special. How is it special? Is there a VIP list? Will there be any Hollywood bigwigs there? Is anyone from Murphy Brown coming? It's special because your father and I planned it! Wait, what? You two made a haunted house? Yep. It's in a secret location. We've been working on it all week. You might want to wear pants you don't care about 'cause you're gonna be peeing' in 'em! Scare me enough and I'll pee in your pants. Deal. Mom's bringing the scary and Dad's bringing the hairy. Did you guys know about this? No. No. Okay. Where is it? You'll see. We should probably have a safeword. I vote for, "Mom and Dad, stop it." All right! If you got it, haunt it. ♪ When I see you I fall apart ♪ ♪ Like a zombie, I got too nervous... ♪ Dad, this is the new Boyz 4 Now song. That's great, Tina. It just dropped today. Don't say "dropped." LOUISE GENE: Dropped. Okay, okay. I've never been in this neighborhood before. Looks like a lot of old people live here. See, it's already getting good. Old people are scary. Being an old person is scary. Right, Mom and Dad? Mm. Hey! It is. LINDA: Here we are. I mean... (scarily): here we are. Now give your mom and me exactly four minutes to go inside and finish setting up. And then... enter if you dare. Wait! I don't get it! Did you guys buy a house just to haunt? It's complicated! We'll explain later! What's the plan? You gonna flip this mamma jamma? Gonna need a paint job! LOUISE: All right, let's see what the old kooks have cooked up. GENE: I hope it's not Dad in sandals. TINA: Yeah, his toes are a nightmare. Welcome! Nice to creep you. Allow me to intro-boo myself. I am the ghostess with the mostess! Hi, Mom. I am not your mother. I am Lady Bobbenstein, made in a lab from parts of beautiful dead women. And they didn't have any other ankles? Just asking. Gene! No, they're good. They're good. They're fine. Ooh... lightning! Aah! That could cause a seizure! Now, won't you join me for a tour of our spooky home laboratory? Oh, yeah, there's nothing scarier than a tour. Let's do this! Yeah. Follow me to the mad scientist who stitched me together, Dr. Bobbenstein! Hello. Here in my lab, I store human body parts to make my monsters. Aah! That wig is scary and so are the countertops! I know! I can't look at them! And what's up with that backsplash? Uh-oh! There's rats tickling your toes! Aah! Aah! And now please stick your hand into this doctor box to feel... human eyes! Uh... Huh. Excuse me, Doctor, I think you might need a refill on eyeballs. Wh-What do you mean? There's nothing in here. Do you guys need some time to work this out? Uh, hold on, hold on. Just give us a second. Okay. (quietly): Lin, did you forget to put the grapes in the box? You were supposed to get the grapes. I got the spaghetti. Okay, fine, just skip it. Skip it. Lady Bobben-steen... Bobbenstein. Stein. It appears your stitches are coming undone. Oh, no! My intestines! Aah! Yuck! Mom, angel hair? What? It's all we had. It's just... that's the least scary pasta. It's in the name. And now, while I stitch Lady Bobbenstein back up, get ready for the next part of our haunted tour. I smell a costume change! You guys, I think I know what this haunted house needs. Grapes? Should I call my guy? No, Gene. It needs scares. Someone in this house should get spooked. I was spooked. A little. Were you? Maybe not. I was either scared or chilly. I was confused and anxious. I say we show Mom and Dad how it's done. You mean scare Mom and Dad in their own haunted house? That's right. Let's turn our parents into "scare-ents." Yeah! And then back into parents in time for bath and bed. How are we gonna scare Mom and Dad? Dad's scared of failure. Where do we find some of that? Let's look in the cupboards. No, no, no. Just follow my lead. LINDA: And now for your next haunt, walk down the hallway, but whatever you do, don't open the closet door! Wow! This might be the scariest haunted house I've ever been to! Okay, here we come! Right, guys? Yeah, we're coming down the hall! Frightened and afraid! Aah! Two-headed monster! Aah...! Where are the kids? I don't know. It sounded like they were right here. Kids? Gene? Louise? Tina? Look, Bob, the back door is open. Kids? Kids! We don't even know this area. They could be anywhere! Don't panic. Let's look around. We'll find them. Kids? ! Oh, God, Bob, look! It's Tina's glasses in a pile of leaves! (anguished sounds) Tina! Not like that! TINA LOUISE GENE: Rawr! LINDA BOB: Aah! Gotcha. And that's how you scare somebody. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They got us. Gene, why are you in your underpants? Don't change the subject, Father! We just scared your pants off, not mine! Also, I was warm! Yeah. You tricks just got treated. I mean, kind of. You basically just jumped out of a pile of leaves. Yep. And we put, like, a lot of effort into our thing. Sad how ours worked better than yours, huh? Yeah. It really is. Well, should we go? Can we go to the other house that's ours, that's fine? No, we're not finished with our haunted house. We haven't even gotten to the exorcism. I think we're good, Mom. I was gonna spin my head around in a circle and barf on your father. Like the good ol' days. Ha! Lin. Lin, stop. It's over. Bleh. We're-we're just not that good at this. Hmm. B-plus. Maybe B-minus. Hey, why give it a grade? Bob, don't give up. We squeezed ourselves into this T-shirt. We can't go home now. Or we could. You can spin your head around at home while we watch TV. All right, fine, you sour candies, we'll go home. Gene, you're gonna put your clothes back on, right? Oh, am I? I... You're the one making it weird, Dad. Oh, crap. We have a flat tire. What? Here, I'll blow it up. Give it to me, give it to me. What about the spare? That was the spare. All four of these are spares. Are you talking about us? I guess I'll call for a tow. Oh, great. I'm not getting any reception here. That old man is staring at us. That's weird. Hello? Can we help you? Take a picture! It'll last longer! Wait, don't take it yet! Catch me just as I'm looking over my shoulder. Now! Oh, come on, how can I not have any bars? Why's he staring at us? TINA: Maybe we just have that certain something... that makes you want to stare at us... and not say anything... while holding gardening shears. Hi! Hello, sir! Cell reception, huh? Not so great around here? Okay, he's not saying anything. Um... why don't we go back inside and see if the landline works? Bye, creepy man! Keep it creepy! Lock it, Bob. Yeah. Good idea. (dial tone hums) Oh, thank God. It works. Wow, this phonebook is, like, from the '90s. Let's see if Tony Toni Tow-me is still in business. Hey, Mom, question, why does this house have mothball smell? Follow-up question, whose house is this? David Lee Mothball? Maybe the owner of a mothball team? It's an empty house that Mort said we could use. It belonged to one of his clients. (metallic grinding) (Linda gasps) Uh... what was that? Gene, did that come out of you? My butt doesn't have the technology! Yet. Huh. It was probably just the pipes. Oh, hi, uh, I, uh... I need a tow truck. I have a flat tire. Or I'll need a tire. Or-or air, I guess, for the tire. But you're the professional. Wait, Mom, did you say this house is one of Mort's clients'? Yeah, why? Mort's a mortician, so aren't his clients all dead people? (metallic grinding continues) (Linda, Gene, Tina gasp) All right, pipes. We heard you the first time. Stop being so desperate for attention. Everybody, keep it down, please. Uh... the address is... Oh, shoot, I don't know the address. Uh, hold on... Lin, go outside and look at the house number. No. Oldie Scissorhands is out there. Oh, wait, I wrote it down. It's, uh, 37 Poplar... Wait, is that "Poplar" or "Popular"? No, streets aren't called Popular. (loud bang) ALL: Aah! Whoa. Oh, my God, Bob. There's something in the basement! No, no, no. The phone line is dead. And it's dark! It's literally a triple threat! LINDA: What could possibly make a sound like that? It's probably just a raccoon or a possum running around in the basement. So did this raccoon and/or possum shake the whole house and turn off all the lights, Father? ! Gene, it probably just chewed through a wire and then that short... circuited the fuse... breaker... thing. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, go on. You clearly know what you're talking about. (metallic grinding) Uh... I don't like the sound of that sound. We should get out of this house, Bob. No, no, Lin, the tow truck is coming. We have to wait for it. Look, why don't I just go downstairs and see what's making the noise? I'm sure there is nothing to be afraid of. Then we can relax until the tow truck gets here. Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark! Uh... LINDA: Leave the light, Bob. Are you crazy? Well, I can't see what's in the basement if I don't have the light, Lin. All right, fine. We're coming with you. Just a fun family trip to the basement to get killed. Gene, we're not gonna get killed. Maimed. Stabbed. Lin. Linda. Beaten. Burned. Lin. Stop. What? BOB: See? It's just a normal, dark, very, very dark basement. (moans) Lin, you're digging your fingernails into my arm. Oh, sorry. Can I dig my fingernails into your other arm, Dad? Sure, Tina. Yes. I call love handles. That's my word for the butt. I'm already holding it. Just 'cause I don't want to fall down the stairs. Dad's butt is very sturdy. Thank you, Louise. It is. Oh look, they have a puddle in their basement, too. It's ghost pee. Gene, it's not ghost pee. Look, see, everything seems fine. Nothing weird. There's a washing machine. A furnace. Some old boxes of junk. And a ghost! ALL: Aah! What is that? Okay, it's not a ghost. It's not a ghost. It's just a... uh... a cloak. It's a cloak. LINDA: It's a cloak. See? Nothing to worry about. Yeah, there's nothing scary about a dark cloak hanging from a meat hook in a dead person's basement! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plenty of people have cloaks, right? Monks, and w-wizards and... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, sure. Liberace. Yup. Uh, Ann Wilson from Heart. Definitely. Maybe it's just a really dark, scary night shirt. (loud thud, demonic croaking) (all screaming) Run! Oh, my God. All right, we're getting out of this house. Good idea. Everybody, follow me. Okay. Oh, God. There's something right outside, Bobby. Uh... everyone upstairs now. We got to hide somewhere. How about behind Dad? I'm not big enough. Keep telling yourself that, pal. You guys. Look. That isn't a good use of that room. Yeah, let's maybe rule that room out. Uh, uh, um, yeah, the bathroom. Let's go in the bathroom. Yeah, let's go to the bathroom. Okay. Let's talk about what we just saw. I, for one, did not care for it. That doll makes me miss the cloak in the basement. Louise, I wish I was un-scare-able like you. Yeah, it's just dumb cult stuff. Nothing to be scared of. (nervous laughter): I mean, what is it with the sticks these days, right? What if it's the ghost of the person who used to live here and they hate mustaches? Then two of you are in trouble. It's not a ghost, Lin. There's no such thing as ghosts. Fine, then, Bob. What do you think it is? It's probably just a murderer. What? No, it's not a murderer, Tina. It's probably just the wind. Inside wind. It-it happens a lot in these old houses. I know about inside wind. I know about it right now. Sorry, everybody. Ugh, Gene. Come on. It's something bad. It's gonna kill us in this bathroom and it's gonna... it's gonna be easy to clean up 'cause of the tile floor. Linda, you're not helping. Also, will you take off that bald cap? It's freaking everyone out. I didn't even know I still had it on. It's comfortable. Wait, listen. (slow, heavy footsteps approaching) BOB: Oh, my God. The wind... is coming up the stairs. Okay, nobody move. Nobody say a word. Dad. Yes. I feel like you're doing a really good job as a dad. Thank you, Gene. I'm having a good childhood. Okay, great. Not right now, but overall. I got it. Thanks. No, thank you. Uh, okay... Thank you for your service. Just, um, try and be quiet. (moans) Whatever it is, it's right outside. (moan) You guys, if we go out this window, we can get on the roof. (moaning) Um... yeah. Go, go, go. Now what? We're on a freakin' roof. The only way down is down. Oh, my God. I hope the tow truck is coming. Please let the tow truck be coming. And I hope they bring a ladder. And the police. Mom and Dad, you would tell us if we knew how to fly, right? Uh, you guys... (low, indistinct chanting) That seems weird... and bad. Maybe that's Tony, Toni, and Tow-me? Holy crap! Oh, my God! We're surrounded by a ring of fire! Who has a ring of water? Aah! Is this what Burning Man is? Because I don't like it! LINDA: What do we do? What do we do? We got scary cloak people down there and something creepy chasing us in there. And I'm scared of heights and cloak people and being killed. Ah! I have reception. I'm calling for help. My emergency contact is Jimmy Junior. If you can't reach him, you can also try 911. Oh, crap! Aah! That's fine. No big deal. We don't need that. Oh, my God, they're gonna sacrifice us. I hate this neighborhood. Okay, everybody just stay calm, all right? We're up here. They're down there. There's no way they can get to us. Yeah. They're not even a great cult, anyway. Just a circle of fire, you know, some cloaks, and a creepy doll with twigs for eyes, right? What's so scary about that? That's not scary. That's not scary! (dramatic musical stinger plays) (screaming) Louise... LINDA: Louise, sweetie, sweetie, baby. (screaming stops) What is happening? Gotcha. Wha...? We got you. Huh? (laughs) We gotcha. You wanted to be scared, Louise. Well, I think we scared you. Wait a... You, uh... What... We planned the whole thing. What? (gasps): What? Aw, you should see the look on your face. You see? It's you, scared. So... they're in on it, too? Hi, Louise. Happy Halloween. It's Teddy from your dad's restaurant. Teddy? Hi, Louise. Mort? Aah! Hey, hey, easy. That's my mother. Say hi, Mom. (wails) No, Mom. We're done. It's over. We did it. And this nice man with the hedge clippers is Mort's mom's new boyfriend, Arthur. Hi, how you doing. I call him Arth Vader. 'Cause of the way he breathes. He has allergies. Gene? Tina? You two were in on this too? Yeah, we were acting. I practiced all my lines last night. Like this: "Aah." I wanted to do the whole thing with a Cockney accent, but Mom nixed it. I-I don't understand. How did you do all this? And how did I fall for it? It was a lot of work. So many e-mails. This is Mort's mom's house. And it's perfect 'cause it's old and creepy. And nicely decorated. Very homey. First we had to do the decoy haunted house. Yeah, why did you do a decoy haunted house? That was Tina's idea. It was genius. She said we had to do the world's worst haunted house so that you wouldn't suspect us. Oh, I was talking about something else when I said that. Wait. Really? Hey, a good idea's a good idea. Besides, it wasn't the world's worst haunted house. The bald caps were good. The spaghetti... Unbelievable. You guys set me up. And we almost got away with it. Oh, wait! We did! Yup. While you were going through the decoy haunted house, Teddy took the air out of our tire. Yeah. And I also cut the brake line. I thought that would be scary, too. Teddy, are you serious? Hey, let's not worry about that, Bobby. Finish your story. TINA: Mort hid in the basement and made scary sounds. Mort, how did you make that crazy croaking sound? That actually came out of me. I threw my back out when I was making that big boom sound. (demonic croaking) I'm in a lot of pain. LINDA: The ring of fire was Mort's idea. Is it gonna hurt my grass? No, Mom. No, no. It'll be fine. It's non-burning fire. And Arthur was really nice to offer to help. He's only known Mort's mom for three weeks. But it sounds like it's going really well. We're just having fun and seeing where it goes. No pressure, no labels. I get it. So, yeah, that's how it all came together. We love you, baby. Hope you liked it. Liked it? It was freakin' incredible! I'm still shaking. Look. Look at this. (laughs) I can't stop. Oh, it's great. I got scared. I got scared! Oh, you're the best family in the whole world. Aw, my little scream queen. Happy Halloween, Louise. Bring it in, everybody. Bring it in. (grunts) I... love my family... Lin... so much. Lin, careful. We're on a roof. (thunder crashes) (all scream) Storm moving in, everyone. (cackles) Stop it, Mort. I startle easily. Ah, Mort, you little... (growls) Hey, girl. Yo, girl. Halloween has gotten so commercialized. So many commercials. Let's try to get back to what it's really about. What's it about, Boo Boo? Love. Oh, that's right. Yeah. ♪ When I see you, I fall apart ♪ ♪ Like a zombie ♪ ♪ I got too nervous to ask you out ♪ ♪ To the prom-bie ♪ ♪ I wish I could make you mine ♪ ♪ When I open my mouth ♪ ♪ I sound like Frankenstein ♪ (growls) Who's the girl? How'd she get in the video? She's not a Boy 4 Now. She won an essay contest. It had to be under 30,000 words. I couldn't cut mine down. LOUISE: Yeah, that's rough. That's... GENE: Allen does not make a believable mummy. LOUISE: There's that idiot Boo Boo. It was his dumb birthday last week. Not that I care or even know that. ♪ Uh, uh ♪ ♪ Whoo ♪ (evil laughter) ♪ Girl it's freaky ♪ (howls) ♪ My heart is weaky ♪ (hisses) ♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪ ♪ My body's extra hairy ♪ ♪ I'm running in the dark ♪ ♪ I love you so much it's scary ♪ ♪ Ooh, yeah, scary ♪ ♪ It's scary, girl ♪ ALL: Rap time. ♪ I close my eyes and you're still there ♪ ♪ You're the girl of my dreams, nope, my nightmares ♪ ♪ You're like Jason, Mike Myers, Carrie and Freddy ♪ ♪ But I don't want to run away, I want to go steady ♪ Is that a different Allen from the last video? No. Yes... What? Yes, it is. No, it isn't. They switch Allens sometimes, Bobby. No, they don't. Don't tell Teddy. That's his favorite one. He's a big Allen guy. ♪ It's Halloween ♪ (roars) ♪ I'm scared of the dark ♪ ♪ Going door to door ♪ ♪ To your mama's house ♪ ♪ I can feed her ♪ ♪ Got to get that candy ♪ LOUISE: Okay, this took a turn. GENE: It's like a reverse Thriller. TINA: Nice. ♪ Trick or treat... ♪ ♪ Girl, it's freaky ♪ GENE: Sing it. BOB: Uh... ♪ You trick or treat me ♪ LOUISE: Dad, sing. TINA: Come on, Dad, sing it. ♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪ ♪ My body's extra hairy ♪ ♪ I'm running in the dark ♪ ♪ I love you so much it's scary ♪ ♪ Girl, it's freaky ♪ ♪ You trick or treat me ♪ ♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪ ♪ My body's extra hairy ♪ ♪ I'm running in the dark... ♪ I'm actually scared. You should be 'cause you could! @#$% somebody up, like, right now. You should be looking at this... there, that way, that way. You don't just jump up here and! @#$% start running a boat. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. I don't give a! @#$% if you're hauling gear. Nobody! @#$% cares. All that matters is that you do it right so you don't hurt somebody. How we looking? Good. This is great crab. Four weeks into the king crab season... yeah, this has been an ass-kicker. I'm wiped out, man. Everybody is so! @#$% tired. It's crazy. ...the end is now in sight. I am more excited about sleep than finishing the season. For some, it's a sprint to the finish... we'll see how this string does, but tell you what, if it's consistent all the way through, we're coming in with both barrels, man, we're coming in blazing. ...while others face an uphill grind to the bitter end. We're up against the clock now. Fuel adds up fast. Got to get out to fish that gear. And just get the pots onboard and get back to dutch harbor. On the 113-foot time bandit... okay, guys, got the first one here. Get them out of the boat. Nobody get hurt, nothing break down, and we go home. ! @#$% Just take me home. ...with most of his quota caught captain johnathan hillstrand is just 10,000 pounds away from wrapping his season. This one sure tests a man here... this trip. We'll have some dead loss because we're out a 16-day trip from hell. We're putting crab in the tank and hopefully, we can get them home alive. On average, king crab can live about 10 days in a tank. Any longer, and they start to die off. With some of their crab nearly two weeks old, the time bandit needs to get to town and off-load before they lose their catch. We're so close to being over with the season. Just got to go get those pots. That's the only thing standing in between us. Watch out. Adding to the stress of a drawn-out trip... we can't afford to! @#$% around. ...the inexperience on deck. This season, i had three green guys. Axel's our new crane guy. We're just stacking out right now. I miss my all-star, scotty. I don't care how rough it was out, when he had that pot on the crane, i never had to even look. This is the first season in seven years that johnathan's son, scotty, hasn't worked the hydros. ! @#$%! @#$% i really miss my kid around here, but he's over on the cornelia marie helping them out. He's one of the best crane operators there is out here. He is the best, i know. I got my sea pigeons out the window. Those are my buddies, too. Miss you guys, too! For now, we got a lot of crab onboard. And i got to make sure they all stay alive. 22 miles south, six hours later... john hillstrand, right by where our gear's at. Here's johnny! ...headed back to their grounds after an off-load, the crew of the cornelia marie approaches the southern end of time bandit's gear. We just grabbed one of my old man's pots here. And deckhand scotty hillstrand prepares a care package for his old crew mates. On the time bandit this season, it's all the young guns stepping up. So, basically, this is a big test for the young guys to see how they're gonna handle this situation. I think it's gonna be utter chaos. Maybe i'll go play with the boys for a little bit. All right, what do we got? A little flour bomb. So, we're playing a little prank on johnathan and the time bandit. I got a few for him up my sleeve that will blow his mind. We're gonna have six shots of line total. So, they're gonna have to empty their coiler three times. It's just gonna get worse... progressively worse. That line at your feet... pull that to you. These guys are basically gonna be hauling two pots on one line, but that line's gonna be about 10 times longer than what it should be. Somewhere on that line, there's gonna be some flour bombs and a steel pipe that will stall it out. To sum that up, the cornelia bombshell will include six shots of line, four flour bombs, 1,600 pounds of welded steel, and 30 feet of block-busting pipe. What do you think, scott? There's some major ingenuity going on right now. It's the prank of the millennium! 60 miles west... on the 125-foot northwestern... what was that last one? 106. think i can live with that. ...10 days into his bairdi season, captain sig hansen has found his honey hole. We're definitely on a tight schedule. And with a delivery just six days away, the skipper needs to top off his tanks. I need about 15,000 crab, so today, it's imperative that we put all our pots in the right places. Jake's stepped up, did a great job as chief so far. Bottom line is, he's gonna be the go-to guy for any mechanical failures. With deck boss edgar hansen still on the disabled list, jake fills in as the boat's engineer. Being a captain is just one goal in my life, and i want to accomplish that as soon as i can. But he has eyes on a bigger prize. You know, he's been mentioning he wants to haul the gear more and more, and i keep promising, so we'll get him up here. Hey, anderson. Well, we've gone about a mile here, and i think it's your time to haul some gear. I guess sig's gonna give jake a little run at the boat again. Good for you, jake. I'm happy for you. Honestly, i didn't think it was gonna happen. Jakey gets to do a string. 138. 138? ! @#$% Is there another manhole, or is that full, too? The crew sets up the conveyor belt to help get crab to the back tanks. We almost got the front tank full. Put this last little dab in the aft tank. Are you kidding me? @#$% yeah, kill the hydraulic. Now what? Is there a leak or something? What is it? Never fails. Every time i want to put the pedal to the metal, something has to happen. Blew a hose on the belt. Oh, it's the bottom on. Yeah, the line was old. All it's gonna do is slow us down, like we're not behind already. Hey, could somebody relay to me what's going on down there? With sig chomping at the bit to pull pots... it's already, like, 2:00. We've pulled one string. ...jake's chance to haul gear begins to fade. Let's do that. We're! @#$% time away. Roger ! @#$% put them in the damn totes and carry them back there. I'm just gonna keep hauling. Jake can play with it. ! @#$% bull! @#$% 210 miles northeast of dutch harbor, on the northwestern... let's do that. We're! @#$% time away. Roger. ! @#$% ...forced to fix a blown hydraulic hose... i'm just gonna keep hauling. Jake can play with it. ! @#$% bull! @#$% ...aspiring skipper jake anderson loses an opportunity to take the helm. I'm so! @#$% pissed. I get it. "i want to haul pots." we don't have time right now. We're not stopping. I was about to go upstairs and haul gear. I'm pissed, dude. We need to get going here. Every time i'm gonna haul gear, every time i'm gonna learn something in the wheelhouse, every time that i think that i'm gonna run a! @#$% boat, something! @#$% happens and i don't get to. We're good. Guy wants to be a captain, you can't act like that. Nobody's gonna work for you. How many? 106. 106 again? Roger. For jake, each pot that comes over the rail... what do you think about my spot now? ...is salt in the wound. ! @#$% such a mother! @#$% bairdi. Big bairdi. That's how you get rich. That's... ! @#$% me. ! @#$% piece of! @#$% oh, I get pissed. That's the last pot. I'm tired of wasting my! @#$% time trying to be a captain. ! @#$% joke. It's a waste of my time. ! @#$% being a captain. I want to do a lot of things, too, sometimes. You don't see me throwing a temper tantrum. Take that life and burn it for all i! @#$% care. $20,000 down the drain. Damn joke. That's crazy. The guy... he's wigging out right now because we were hauling our pots, i promised he could, but i got to get through this gear. I cannot stop for hydraulic leaks or crew spasms, and especially jake, because, you know, "oh, it's supposed to be me hauling these pots." it doesn't matter! His responsibility as chief engineer... fix the problem. Then, we can go to school and haul your little pots. That's it. It was a waste of my time is all it was. It's a waste of my time. I've been here 20-some-plus years. You know how many pots i've hauled? Zero. I'm done with it, dude. I'm just gonna do bait.! @#$% it. Serenity now. I got to take him to yoga class or something. 45 miles east... on the time bandit... end of the season! Thank god. We're stacking out. Kind of in a hurry to do so. ...up against a delivery date and with aging crab in the tank, captain johnathan hillstrand rushes to stack his gear and head to town. This has been the longest king crab trip i've ever been on. Tired. Everybody's tired. We're gonna have over $1 million worth of crab onboard. My crab could all! @#$% die. That's a big buoy. The! @#$% what the hell's this? I don't know what the hell this is coming up. Looks like a! @#$% what the! @#$% is that? ...what the hell that is. Twist it so i can read it. It looks like it's from scotty. Turn it so he can see it. It says "from new management, love you, dad." cornelia marie gave us a little present, i do believe. Oh, man, this is not gonna be good. I think mcmanus, harris, hillstrand found this! @#$% so be prepared. What the hell's hanging on this one? What is that? The old flour-bomb trick. You guys, just haul ass. Here. Stop. Oh, they got to pull the shots out. What the hell's going on here? I think we got rope-a-doped. Here's the other end. Hey, stop! Yep, pull that one out. Tie this up. The coiler's full again. So far, those little! @#$% are getting us pretty good. I think they got a pot. There we go. Oh, Now we can land the pot. All right, boys. This son of a bitch aboard. Let's get it and set it down. I don't know what's gonna be on the end of this. Might not be nothing. What began as a friendly prank... it's just slowing us down a half hour so far. ...is now jeopardizing a million-dollar load of king crab. This could be the difference between getting our asses! @#$% handed to us on a platter. Hey. Stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! Oh, you got to be kidding me. It's a what? How the! @#$% do you grab a pipe? Just get that out of the way the quickest way you can. We don't have time, guys. Easy, easy, easy. Too long. Well, just cut the! @#$% throw it over. Usually, you don't put a pipe so long that the guy's got to cut his pot off. There it goes. Show's over. So, he used pretty much every trick there is known to man in one pot. Two pots... one of them's on the bottom now. So, i'll say, "yeah, it's really funny," but we got to get the! @#$% out of here. We got to keep these crab alive. 240 miles northeast of dutch harbor, on the time bandit... We did it! We did it! It hasn't come easy, brother. ...after a brutal 14 days at sea... that's the last pot, by the way, of the season. ! @#$% ...captain johnathan hillstrand fills his quota and stacks the last of his pots. This crab season's over for us. Next stop, opie season. We made it through the season. Everyone's gonna get a paycheck. Try to get our crab off. We'll be in dutch harbor around 8:00 in the morning. We got to off-load around 6:00 p.m. with the crab in the tank, the time bandit has a shot at minimizing their dead loss. I'm heading to town. Marking, plugging the away point in right now. Only 18 hours from dutch harbor. And hopefully, we get a quick off-load. Six words... that wasn't very! @#$% easy. Was it? My crew's getting better every day. Things have a way of working themselves out. Scared the hell out of me. Hello? Hey, al. Things are going all right. Still looking good. Okay. Okay, i'll talk to you tomorrow. Thank you. Oh, my god. ! @#$% i can't even ! @#$% off-load, dude. Oh, my god. That's what he ! @#$% said. Delays at the cannery will force the time bandit to wait another 48 hours before they can off-load. Seems like every 12 hours, we're up then we're down. We're up, we're down. Now i know what a yo-yo feels like. Right now i'm killing crab. 22 miles southeast... been a long season. ...on the 128-foot cornelia marie... ! @#$% been slow-going, but we're gonna get this done right now. ...captain school is in session and boat owner josh harris is back for another test at the helm. Whole pot and go home and see mama crab. That's what it's gonna take to get out of here, for sure. You're at the tide change, and they kind of lay funny. They're not all in a row. Run it backwards. Tonight's challenge for the would-be skipper... hauling pots in reverse. Scott probably won't be too happy about this one. When did your job driving this boat become to keep scott happy? You got to do what's right for the boat. Crab pots are attached to two buoys... one taut diver and one slack trailer. Normally, the boat pulls past the trailer first and a hook is thrown before the weight of the 800-pound pot pulls on the line. But when currents push the trailer bag in front, the weight of the pot on the line makes it harder for the deckhands to retrieve it. It's gonna be a fun day. I got to turn this off just a second. ! @#$% i can't hang on just a second, scotty. You sure? Pretty sure. I don't know. He must be getting tired up there. Everything's looking the same to him. So, our goal on this would be to get through these as fast as we can. Drove right by those buoys, didn't even see them. Did we just drive past the pot, jason? We need to make sure this isn't! @#$% up right now. Yeah, keep asking me questions. I've got my thing going here. Back up. We're letting it go. Well, obviously, your thing ain't working. Josh must double back and re-approach the pot. Scotty, throw the hook. Approaching the pot too fast, josh makes scotty miss with the hook. Twice. You're a professional. You can do it. I got full faith in you. I got it. You got it? Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, just... will you just let me... travis. Travis, how many were in the last one? 37. Oh, there's a lot of! @#$% going on. Buoys are all backwards. It's 100% truthful what scott's saying. Guy pulls up on them all ! @#$% up, it's hard to pull. I'd like to see him come out here and! @#$% throw the hook while i! @#$% pull up on the bags, mother! @#$% split your throttles. Twin-screw it. Just let me... i'm running this little thing. Let me do this part. Mother! @#$% on the cornelia marie... mother! @#$% @#$% wow. Somebody get this! @#$% ! @#$% ! @#$% got smacked in the! @#$%damn! @#$% face! While hauling a pot, the taut line slipped out of the block, snapping deckhand travis lofland to attention. It's one thing after the next... pretty relentless. None of this is worth any of my crew members' lives. ! @#$% ! @#$% okay. Step into this mother! @#$% thing. With the crew paying for his mistakes, josh steps down. You all right, travy? ! @#$% felt split my whole! @#$% open, dude. Let's go. Knock these things out. Look at that. That's! @#$% a lot of crab, my friend. With this amount of crab on the table, it'd be really nice to have a sixth guy come down here and help us out. Make things go a lot smoother a lot faster. Should i go out and help the guys? I'm all for it, dude. If you're willing to do it, i'm good with it. Yeah? I'll get suited up. People might ask, "why isn't casey on deck and josh up there?" 'cause i have to be here. He's not ready yet to take this boat out by himself. Hey, mother! @#$% what's going on? Oh, Come on now. I love it! Hello, mother! @#$% we're all physically drained, and he's all full of energy 'cause he's been cooped up in the wheelhouse for the last week and a half. What the hell are you doing over there? It's really not his place to correct josh. It's my place to correct josh. It's like being on a floating prison. Oh, i was just admiring how gracefully that you pulled up on the bags for me there. Just saying, when i run the crane, i try to make it easier for my guys, i don't try to make it harder. That's why we have hydraulic loaders. That is correct. But if you're coming up on bags backwards, i think, as a guy that runs a boat with one motor, you should understand why it happened that way. You pull up on bags like two old people! @#$% oh, really? Thank you for your opinion. Hey, you can take that, write it on a piece of paper, and put it in a nice, little... can i just get a! @#$% number? Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Oh, scotty, in the nuts! Ow. Did he just nut him on the coiler he hit him with the diver so hard? Right in the! @#$% balls. Karma's a bitch. I didn't realize his balls were sitting on the coiler. That was good hit. One way to shut down an argument on the bering sea... hit him in the old twigs and berries. Do you remember that saying about messing with the bull, scotty? Mother! @#$% oh, i had my! @#$% nuts against here, and you hit me, got me good. It's all good. Ooh, you mess with the bull, you get the horn. 237 miles southwest, in dutch harbor... ! @#$% by the system. ...after days of waiting to off-load their tanks... so, 22,000 crab onboard this vessel. ...the time bandit crew wait for the verdict of their 180,000-pound catch. Yeah, there's gonna be a few dead loss... and it's not my fault. It's just the way it happened. Hey, neal, they look good. The crab look lively. Worried so much. Keep alive. Yeah, the crab still look really good. No. That's not a good sign there, my friends. Hopefully, it will get better as we go. Hopefully. Number nine. 16! @#$% days, dude. Now we're just burning $5 bills as they toss them up. He's not happy. So, we're looking at, like, 5,000 to 6,000 pounds, maybe more of dead loss. It's not looking good. That's like $40,000 worth of crab. So, that comes off my quota. Well, you guys took a hit for deck, for wages, 'cause we've never had this much dead loss ever. We've never held our crab for more than 14 days. Despite $48,000 in dead loss, the time bandit managed to bring in 173,000 pounds of king crab worth $1.2 million. Put that one behind us, 'cause it was a long one. Each crewman will take home 40 grand, 2 grand less than they would have gotten. That was a test sent from god to keep us humble. Delivering dead crab knocks the time bandit down, while the wizard remains alive and well at the top of the board. This is the longest, most evil bitch of! @#$% crab season i ever been on. It's been a nightmare. We need to put a new flag up because that might have been bad juju not putting a new flag up. It's gonna be like night and day next trip. Yep. I don't drink that much anymore, but after this one, damn it, i'm drinking. There it goes. Look at that. Looks good. The spankings will continue. What are you gonna do? Crying ain't gonna help. 210 miles northeast of dutch harbor... ah, the weather is just crappy. ...on the northwestern... there is supposed to be weather coming in. Northwest, 30, 35. ...captain sig hansen approaches his next string in building seas. Is everybody on deck? What about anderson? Is he on deck? Yeah, where the! @#$% do you think i'd be? In my bunk? Two days after missing a rare chance to drive the boat... it's on the bow. Don't miss this. ...aspiring skipper jake anderson is still a little ticked off. He's got to stop thinking about where he should have been by now and start thinking about where he's going from now and in the future. Oh, and the pity thing... you know, "i should have been farther along" and "i should have this" and all that... but maybe it's time we let him haul some gear. I did promise. Hey, anderson, why don't you come on up? I think it's your time to haul some gear. I'm serious. We're three tanks down, you got wind and a bad tide, so have a good time, don't! @#$% nobody up. I'm actually scared. You should be 'cause you could! @#$% somebody up, like, right now. All right, get in there. Don't worry about the bags, the numbers, nothing. You just want to find those pots and not! @#$% anybody up. That's your job. You should be looking at this and that, not that. Get your! @#$% head out of that window and look here and there. They know what they're doing, you don't. That way! Slow down 'cause you have to make a turn. Get to port, man. ! @#$% now you got to go in reverse, and the guy that's on the rail's gonna get douched. Let me do one, and i'll show you. Here. Watch. It's fine. It's just... watch. Keep doing what you're doing. Stop talking. See, i'm not oversteering everything. You see how my hand's not ! @#$% doing this all the time? But you just got to know when. That's something that takes time. You don't just jump up here and! @#$% start running a boat. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. All right, try this one. There it is. That's what i'm talking about right there. Jake's come a long way, you know? He's had some issues, and now he's put those demons behind him, and look where he is now. Proud of him. So, is this your future? Are you kidding me? How fast did it happen for you? Do you want me to leave so you can do this by yourself for the next hour? If you think that this is fun right now, this is the exact opposite of fun. It's awesome here, though, you know. Like, one of my favorite places to be... in this chair. That's what i like! It's cool 'cause everybody knows that i want to run a boat, you know. They know. And they accommodate me and my dreams. It's everybody here that are letting me do this. Hey, john. Hey, andy. You know, we had to wait 16 days to take our crab off. It ended up costing us dead crab. Cost me and you a lot of money, so, i mean... all right, gents. See you in a little bit, boss. When i get josh to the point where he can take this boat by himself, i'll gladly tell everybody that he's ready for it. You need to get some sleep? It means a lot to me that they would do this for me... everybody. I hope they know that, you know? But we're crabbers, we're not supposed to say stuff like that to each other. And we don't. in the Klondike Get outta there. Parker Schnabel has almost no gold. This thing's been a pain in our ass for 2 years. Make it happen. And he's taking his frustration out on his crew. I don't know if one of you wants my dog dead. Do you? You don't have to yell at people all the time. Until his 95 year old grandpa gives him a wake up call. you got everything. Forcing Parker to turn over a new leaf. (laughter) I'm glad you're all here. Honestly. Ha ha. Yeah. 331)\fs32.136}At McKinnon Creek Todd Hoffman and crew are back on track for a record season. We're gonna go flying right past that 2700. Yeah! They're running more paydirt than ever before. We finally got to almost 300 yards an hour. We're doing it. Until they realize that their settling pond is turning into a tailings island. Hey Dave. We got a huge problem here. And Todd is forced to take drastic measures. That's gonna save that pond. It's gonna save our lake. we're done. 331)\fs32.136}At Eureka Creek Tony Beets is banking on a million dollar season. But when his 1938 gold dredge starts falling apart I think Tony and Gene need to run this piece of shit for a day all by themselves. Stand around and whine about it. Just get the fuckin thing fixed. Tony takes charge. To ensure that his next cleanup produces a pile of gold. 341)\fs32.136}7 am at Scribner Creek Parker Schnabel is under the gun. worth less than $8000 dollars. and his bills are mounting. but Parker has gambled and decided to mine it. whatever that takes. New foreman Rick Ness is working hard to build up morale with his young crew. it's gonna be there. The fun's gonna follow. Parker. You want to add something? The one thing I do want to pitch in is somebody hit a barrel of coolant in the yard. And hit it hard enough to put a hole in it. And there's coolant all over the ground. I don't know if one of you guys wants my dog dead. Or Bailey's dog dead. Cause you need to notice that shit. -Do you want my dog dead Aaron? -Of course not. -Do you? No. Cause I don't care about the fuckin barrel of coolant. But my dog dies? And the whole thing about having fun. That goes out the window pretty fast. Alright. Let's go to work. Even thinking about that makes me livid. Rick is Parker's right hand man. But he doesn't always agree with his boss's management style. but He kinda dragged the attitude down at the end and that was kinda not what I was looking for. But you know this is his operation and that's his prerogative. normal people. that goes a long way. Rick has the operation running smoothly. All six of our trucks are on line. I mean. We're set up good right now. I feel great about today. Time's flying. Sun's shining. And I got a pocketful of rocks. Heh heh heh. Just when Parker's operation is starting to fire on all cylinders. Wow. The fifty pound prewash bar Get outta there. Flies off. We gotta shut the plant down. We're having serious problems with the prewash. Hey. Shut down. Hey Parker. This is Mitch. You got a copy. You need to get up here to the wash plant as soon as possible. We got some problems. Oh fuck. So what the hell happened to this thing? This prewash is just falling apart. who's on the claim to advise his grandson. Parker's feeling the strain. Every hour the plant is down costs him another $1500 dollars in gold he hasn't mined. What'd you break now? Everything. might be time for surgery. I think the best solution's to build a new one. A new spray bar? A new whole box. -New prewash? -A whole new prewash. Biggest problem is I bet it's gonna take us 4 or 5 days to do it right. alright. -I think it'll run but it's not -This thing's been a pain in our ass for 2 years. Make it happen. Parker ignores Mitch and demands a quick fix. I know Parker sometimes doesn't like hearing answers like "shut it off" but uh we gotta take care of this plant. This is what makes us all our money. it's not gonna take care of us. we've lost several people. It's both quit and fired. It's just one thing after another. I don't know how to deal with them. Grandpa John has run crews since the 1940's. that's a bad approach. Can't please everybody. Sometimes I'm just trying to please the fuel company by making sure I have a cheque for them Don't give a shit about money. you got everything. And so I leave you with that thought. Alright. 000 dollars. We're doing it. To double their best gold total ever. Todd's opened up a supercut the size of 12 football fields. running 300 yards of dirt per hour. out of his man made lake. Hey Dave. Can you come down by the pump. We got a friggen huge problem here. 10-4. What's up? this is gonna fill up. Some of it's already silt Pretty clear out there. It's creeping way out. We've only got so much water and we're filling up our lake with tailings. I have no idea what to do. The sand and fine material coming out of the wash plant are rapidly filling the lake they draw their water from. 000 yards of tailings in this pond. And at that rate it ain't gonna happen. Finally got to about 300 yards an hour and it's kicking our ass. Now we're gonna run out of water. the only working bucketline gold dredge in North America has been running dirt for 3 weeks. clears the ground ahead to provide a constant supply of paydirt. just keep working on the area ahead of it. Mike and Jerry are responsible for operating the massive machine. But they're struggling to keep the ancient dredge running. Yoke. Going down. Come on you miserable old shit. Just don't release now. -Mike. -What? You can start the winch. I believe things need to be repaired. Gene's in charge. Jerry fights to move the bucket line sideways to reach new paydirt. We'll have to fuckin call it off. I think. (squealing noise is heard) It shouldn't be making that noise. Slipping. (thumping noise begins) What the hell? (noises much louder) Bucketline is off. For the third time this season the bucketline has come off it's track. This is fuckin bullshit. fuck. -Should I shut the plant down? -Yeah. Could it be we got too many buckets on there and the chain's too loose? so. There's gotta be something missing. I don't know. I'm about to let the experts run this. I think Tony and Gene need to run this piece of shit for a day all by themselves. Tony Beets's dredge is shut down. Once again the bucketline is off it's track. So we should really find out what's wrong with the system. This is a waste of time. I don't know. Guess I just do whatever it takes to get the damn thing done. Winchman Jerry Rhodes demands they solve it once and for all. It's time that we figure out what the problem is. Take one bucket out of the line. we should fix it. and goes with a quick fix to keep running. Hey you guys. Stay off more off to the side. you know. Keep lifting as he's backing up. Are we tight on that side Mike? Pull on it if you can. What's the holdup? but it won't move forward. Mike try picking up on it again so we can get some slack. We get that line any tighter on that side? Gene is forced to change his plan. so the crew can pull the bucketline forward and around the end of the bucket ladder. We're loose on that side. Well I'm gonna be pulling on it this way. But the cable's loose so I'm going to be pulling the boom this direction. Can you get that line any tighter on that side? Start winching Jerry. He can't. More. Easy. Okay okay. Good to fire up. There's something wrong with the system. So we should really find out what's wrong with the system or every two days now we're going to be putting the line of buckets back on. We'll just deal with it. There's gotta be one person leading and that's my job. I'm not a tinkerer. I like to get it fuckin done and move on. Todd Hoffman is pushing Monster Red to it's limit. Running 300 yards an hour in a bid to hit a record 2700 ounces. But the tailings from running that much dirt are clogging up his man made lake. Todd might just have a solution. (long truck horn blast) believe it or not. I don't own it so. I'm borrowing it. So I got to be careful with it. I just hope it can do the yardage. Every hour we gotta move out a pile the size of a house. A sandscrew separates sand from water. The plan is for the mixture of fine tailings and water that come out of the sluice box to pour into the sandscrew's base. while clean water will flow back into a drainage gully and out into the lake. where they'll eventually join the coarse tailings. Let's set it up Freddy. How the frig do you put one together. That's what I'd like to know. Even IKEA comes with their little toolset and everything so you can put it together. But the sandscrew isn't designed to fit directly onto the end of a sluicebox. Freddy's building a chute that's gonna attach to the bottom of the sluice. Right here. 391)}It's gonna take all of our water and sand and contain it so we can get it fed center in the middle of that sandscrew. Monster Red was designed to have water and fine tailings pour off the end of the sluices. Freddy and Juan's solution: Construct a steel channel to divert the water and fine tailings down into the sandscrew. We're crooked this way Juan. Really what I need to do is get higher. Let's go down. Let's twist it a little bit cause we're rock hard this way. Or rock it a little bit that way and then it'll be in good shape. We're looking pretty close now. Yeah. That's good now. -Perfect Dave. -Good. -Perfect Juan. -Do it. Good. We got about 20 holes there we had to measure. so far. They're lining up. -What do you think? -I think we did it buddy. Think we did okay. See if it works. If it doesn't I guess it's my fault. but Something always seems to bite you in the ass in the end. Help! Okay! Freddy lowers the sandscrew to sit at exactly 35 degrees. Little bit Todd. Whoa! Whoa! -Perfect guys. -Good job Freddy. There's only one way to find out if the sandscrew will extract the fine tailings from the sluice water. Fire up Monster Red. you end up with a problem somewhere. You know all the planning. Everything we've done comes down to this moment right now. (Honk Honk) Juan. A lot of water. See that water coming over. Dang it. Won't handle the water. Stop. quick. Shut it down. Don't give it any more. We got 3000 gallons a minute that's trying to get off of that sandscrew. And it found a way alright. Fine tailings are choking the Hoffmans holding pond. but it can't cope with 3000 gallons a minute. I was hoping that that'd handle all that water. But I was wrong on it. 381)}So the water's actually overflowing off the top of this lip here and actually gonna start taking out this little embankment we have. We could actually start losing the side of this hill and potentially lose the screw into the side of the lake. We got to make sure that it's draining properly and draining back into the lake. We're just gonna fix it and get going. We've got to use what we've got and not fuck around about it because We don't have much of a choice. Freddy's come up with a plan: Add two 10 inch pipes to the base of the sandscrew to triple the clean water flowing into the pond. -Dave. I'm letting go. -Okay. We had these two 90's. Think they're cast iron 90's. They're not really weldable but we're gonna weld then on. expansion is gonna be at different rates. it's just not good to weld on it. We only probably got a 50/50 chance that the piece of junk won't just break off and fall on the ground. If this doesn't work we're gonna be filling up this pond with sand and then that's it. We're done. (Honk Honk) Firing up. Okay. Coming on up. 850. Fingers crossed. There she goes. Up to the top. Come on baby. Take it. This had better work. Doing it's job. and into the holding pond. Perfect. This is gonna work. I'm pretty damn happy with this morning. A couple little glitches but you know what? It's time to make some gold. 301)\fs32.136}On Parker's claim. Morale is at an all time low. His season has been a disaster. And he's taking his frustration out on his crew. he shuts down early. (duct tape tearing) we're covering up all the holes so the clutch doesn't get wet and make us sink. (more duct tape) and there's a hell of a lot of hard work left to do. you know. Work hard. Play hard. Right? My grandpa's always said to take some time to have fun and. Bond with your crew and. so. (Knock Knock) Time to do it. How many holes are down there. I had to put a 2 rolls of duct tape into this thing. We're looking forward to having some fun today so. 371)}Hopefully nobody gets hurt and we just have a good day. Now we get to play so. Play we shall. -What'd you pay for it? -$1500 bucks. Jeez. -Will you buy it from him? -Why not. Ha ha ha ha. I'm ready. (engine revving) Ha ha ha. Watch out beavers. (many engines revving) Ah. He rode right up the hill already. Parker's snow machine is first to hit the water. Oh. Carl's don't sound good. Carl's wet. Aw. Carl's down. Haw haw haw haw haw haw. Ha ha ha. Ah. so. It's turned into a kind of contagious day off. (everyone is having fun) That was a quick 1500 bucks. (laughter) Thanks. Cheers. Cheers. Parker took his grandpa's advice. Building team spirit is already paying off. it's night and day. quite honestly everybody's having fun. You know it's all about his attitude. His attitude carries this place so. A night like tonight is great for everybody. Cu cu kooo. and a million dollars on his 75 year old gold dredge. It's going. Jerry has a theory. Well when we went to put this together last fall we didn't have enough buckets to make the chain no matter what. So we put 3 buckets in. We don't know if we should have put maybe just two in not three. Gene is finally coming around to Jerry's way of thinking. The bucketline is too long. So I think the best thing to do is try and pull a bucket out of it. Okay. but Gene and Tony are going to do it without him. I haven't talked to Tony about the problems we have here. Gene's in charge. but it's stuck. Now it's pulling the buckets off the side. Last inch there. Gene has these simple answers. I guess just go smash the ladder with a sledgehammer whenever it sticks. they close the gap and reconnect the bucketline. About time somebody did. Yup. Okay. and hard at work. It's their third day of hauling pay from the berm cut to the plant. I don't have very much left. Yeah. Hopefully it pays off for us and we find a lot of gold. Parker's decision to make teamwork a priority is starting to pay off. 361)}Felt nice that Parker kinda took us out and gave us a fun night and showed us how to have fun. Heh heh heh heh. All the excavator operators and dozer operators and equipment operators are all doing a great job. I feel like they've made me feel a little bit younger. a little bit. That popped it. Aw fuck. Matthew Knopp rolls his rock truck. Hey guys. I need help. My truck's fucked. That's bad. Aww. The whole cab almost went. I'm lucky. It almost pulled the whole truck down into a ditch. I got to get access back there right now. So I'm hoping to get back there and lift it up. I'm just worried that I don't have enough room up here to maneuver. No. That ain't gonna work. Brennan. I'm gonna need you over here man. I can't get this with just one machine and I just.. I can't get it on my own. you bet. I'll come down. Yeah well. We get it back on all six wheels and get it the hell out of here. Rick needs help from Brennan in the 460 excavator. Ready? just push. We're just gonna have to work together. I think we can get it. Come on. Just a little bit more. Nice job buddy. Good teamwork. It took but we're a young crew. make mistakes together. so. I can get back to hauling. A pair of trucks back on it's tires. Looks like we're back in business. but they're starting to pull together as a team. since it's bucketline was fixed. -Jerry? -Ready? -Yeah. Jerry and Mike are still struggling to keep the vintage gold mining machine running. right. That would be the best thing that could happen. three people's enough on here. three people isn't enough. to arrive with the results of the all important weekly cleanup. 000. he needs a 50 ounce cleanup each and every week. Look. That's it. That's it. Eleven. Eleven point two five. 000 dollars. Just kinda disappointing. Really? We weren't very consistent but we ran and fixed the bucketline so. We know we can do is get better so. Try it again next week. Yeah. 331)\fs32.136}At McKinnon Creek The Hoffman crew is building a new gold room for Jack. you know. so. We built Jack's shack and it is absolutely what I wanted. Thurber and Hunter are hard at work cleaning up this week's gold. Okay Hunter. I'll take some more. Pour it to it. you gotta wash it off. Okay. Okay. You can quit swimming. It's over. Okay stop. Tell you what. I don't know if we're gonna make the 200 this week. the Hoffman's need 200 ounces per week. Hey guys. ah. Wish it was more. Come on. but this is 110 ounces. In 3 days. they lost half a week of running dirt. You know what. I think we did pretty good for the time we had down. It's not all bad news. we would have had beyond 220. Don't think of it as that bad of a deal. Hey Freddy. Thanks for your work man. Good job. You too Juan. Better get to work. Thanks guys. 110 isn't too bad. 000 dollars. Parker Schnabel has only mined 7 ounces of gold. But he's celebrating his grandpa's last night on the claim with a King Crab feast for his crew. That's a lot of crab. Those are big ones. I think they're done. They're done. -What do you do? -I'm just running rock truck. -Oh thank you. -You're welcome. Oh. Mmm. Wow. That's good. You are having a good time. I think everybody is. they wouldn't have that good time. Ha ha ha ha. that's true. Ha. -Hey. What's up boy. -Not a whole lot. Finished up the cleanup? you know. We've lost some people. I've I'm glad you're all here. You know. Honestly. Parker took his grandpa's advice and decided to go all in on the berm cut. Their first cleanup will determine if he made the right move. 7000 yards? Yup. we pulled some gold out of that? the 7000 yard run needs to produce around 70 ounces of gold. That right there is 66 ounces. Sixty six point six. So. but the thing that has me happy about it is these. Ha ha. -Right? -Those are just as good. We're on the right track with those. -See what's covered here -Oh yeah. Those are nice. Sixty six point six ounces is worth over seventy thousand dollars. But the nuggets are a sign of big gold to come. That's amazing. Look at that John. Every time that we've found anything big it's been good. So I'm hopeful that it's only getting better. Hey buddy. How many more of these do we have? -Hopefully like 30 more. -Yeah. you guys made this happen. I'm glad you guys are all here. I am. you can't help but win. It's gonna be a good season. It's gonna be. Thank you Rick. Heh heh heh heh. Buddy. Good job man. Parker is finally building a team that just might get him back in the game. Parker has got a fine team. I think he's learned to realize that he's part of that team. He has to work with others to win. I think it went really well. We've got an outstanding crew. 303)\fnLucida Calligraphy} Subs by {\fs36.727\b1\i1} Jack T everybody's excited now that we've seen gold. And uh I expect great things from this season. 341)\fs32.136}On the next Gold Rush Hey! Shut it down. Shut it down. That belts off. Hit the bypass. it ain't making it in to your wallet. Treasure Island. That's a good pan. I'm gonna be shot. He's not a quitter. What was that? We're all sanded in. We gotta get the lead on this thing. What is the issue Jerry? It's not a fuckin cruise ship. It has to make money. Gregor Minsk, the counterfeiter I've been chasing for two years, has finally resurfaced. And he's just as evil as ever. Right. You hate him because he has a typo on his counterfeit bills. No. Because he passed $4 million in fraudulent bills, Jake. But also, two Rs in "pluribus?" I mean, did none of those cashiers take Latin? Okay, let's give Amy a round of applause for whatever that was. Police briefing. Still in progress. And you did great. But let's get serious, people. Tomorrow is the wedding. My mom is marrying, shudder, Charles' dad, toilet emoji. We are gonna be brother and sister. To think this started with us just going to town or each others sexy parts. [all groaning] Charles, promise me that is not in your toast. It's not. Come on, man. Look, I need everything to be perfect. Status update, Rosa. How are the flowers? I don't know. Yellow. Terr-bear? I had my tuxedo altered to make it tighter like you wanted. Delicious. Jake, have you checked in with the jeweler? Yes. They said the ring will be ready at 2:00 on the wedding day. I'm gonna pick it up on my way to the ceremony. This is very important, Jake. Are you sure you can handle it? Uh, well, let's see. Easy, last-minute, and crucial as hell. Meets all the Peralta criteria. Good. These tasks are top priority around here, people. I don't care how many criminals go free. All right? Dismissed. Uh, I'm not done with my briefing yet. I said dismissed! ♪ ♪ Guys, guess who I'm about to see. The Bubes? Michael Buble? Okay, you're the only one who calls him that. And no. Jenny Gildenhorn. The girl who dumped you at your bar mitzvah? Yes. I can still see her slow-dancing with Eddie Fung. [Air Supply's All Out of Love] ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ I'm so lost without you ♪ I'll never forgive that bitch for what she did to you. Well, you better forgive her because she's about to become, uh, my girlfriend. Turns out Gina's mom is friends with Jenny Gildenhorn's mom, and Jenny is gonna be at the wedding. That's right. I'm finally gonna get the slow-dance that Fung denied me. Is she even single? Uh-huh. For the first time since we were 13. Eddie Fung was replaced by Colin Brandow, then Ethan Stokes, then Tanya Astor, don't tell her mother, then she met her husband, Matt Hench, who she divorced three months ago. Probably because he's a major loser. I mean, Assistant U.S. Attorney? Get a real job. You really kept tabs on her, huh? It's most of what I do here. A-ee. A-ee. A-ee. A-ee. What's happening? Is Charles having a stroke? No, he's warning me you're here so I won't talk about other girls. Just thought it might be weird for you, because of your history. It's not weird at all. Yeah. I told Amy I liked her, she told me she was deeply in love with me, and it's all in the past. I did not say "love" or "deeply." It's in the past, Amy. Move on! Rosa, I had a question about Marcus and the wedding. I'm not bringing Marcus. You guys broke up, huh? Mm, just hit it and quit it. We are so similar. We did not break up. I'm just not totally sold on the relationship yet, and I don't wanna bring him to some stupid wedding where he might get all romantic and say, "I love you." I mean, what am I supposed to do then? Say "I love you" back? I've only said "I love you" to three people. My mom, my dad, and my dying grandpa. And one of those I regret. Which one? Grandpa. He beat cancer, so now I look like an idiot. Wow, man. Would either of you like a starring role in the wedding of the century? I already told you, I'm not go-go dancing. Well, someone's getting in that cage. But more importantly, my mom's priest dropped out, so I need one of you two to step up. [sighs] Who would be better equipped to deliver a heartfelt, emotional speech about love? I have to imagine it's not me. I could do it. I'm already ordained. Mario, Karen, yesterday was chest and shoulders. Today, and for the rest of your life, it's heart and soul. Smart. You tailored the ceremony to the bride and groom's interests. Yeah. Yeah. That's totally what I was doing. I mean, working out is not the only thing I feel comfortable talking about. Uh, what would you say is your mom's favorite move at the gym? My mom likes champagne, baked ziti, the Bahamas. Charles's dad probably lives under a bridge and uses a puddle as a mirror. I don't know. You figure it out. Okay. I got the ring. Let's go. Okay, thanks. Try to stay off heroin. Your mom? No. That was my informant. She spotted my counterfeiter four blocks from here. We have to go check it out. Uh, but I wanted to get to the wedding early and reserve a seat so Jenny can sit on my right side. I'm been practicing my crying and it turns out this is my juicier duct. Please? I've been chasing this guy for two years. What if it was your collar? I would have caught him nine months ago in a shootout on top of a ferris wheel. Minsk is my nemesis. He's my Eddie Fung. Fung. All right, that I understand. We'll check out your lead, then we'll go to the wedding. Let's go find Eddie Fung. Minsk. Right. Minsk. Fung. Oh, Regina, everything is so beautiful. Well, as long as you're happy, I'm happy. (Charles) Rosa, ah, there you are. Can you help my dad with his cuff links? Sure. I would do it, but it's bad luck for a boy to see his father on his wedding day. Oh, well, in that case, no. Rosa, please. It's a slippery slope from uncuffed sleeves to Lynn just wearing an old turtleneck down the aisle. Actually, my dad can really rock a turtleneck. Gives him a sexy Elliott Gould vibe. Charles, shut up. Rosa, go find Lynn Boyle and cuff his ass. There you go. Thanks. [chuckles] You nervous? Oh, not at all. I love Darlene Linetti with all my parts. Wow. I can't ever imagine being with someone and not having any doubts. I have little doubts. Tiny little doubts. You think that's a problem? I mean, not if you're sure she's the one. Yes. Of course. But I was sure about my five other weddings, too. [chuckles] Please, don't tell Charles. He only... he only knows about three. Back-to-back Catfish situations, you know? Same kid both times actually. That's okay. Just took you a while to get it right. Yeah, or maybe I'm just doing the same thing over and over again. [chuckles] Lynn Boyle rushes headlong into another mistake. Like that time I tried water aerobics and I broke my neck. This is a disaster. All right, I'm gonna go get Charles. I wonder what Jenny Gildenhorn will be wearing tonight. Do you think she'll be in her high school field hockey uniform? That'd be crazy, right? Yes, it'd be crazy if that's what she wears to a wedding. Yeah, you're right. Ah, well, I hate to say it, but there's no sign of Minsk. We should really get going. Jenny awaits. Oh, my God. Look! Fung. Minsk! Right, Minsk. I know it's Minsk. Let's go! Clear. He's gotta be in here somewhere. Clear. I love this. Tux on, gun out. I feel like James Bond and you're my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi Pads. Maxi Pads? I don't know! I didn't want to make the name too sexual and I panicked! Clear. If we catch this guy in the next 15 minutes, we can still make the wedding. So what's your opening line gonna be with Jenny Gildenhorn? I was thinking I'd go with, "Jamie Gordenhorn?" You know, make it seem like I haven't been staring at her on the Internet for the past 20 years. Or you could call her by her real name. Girls like that. I don't know. I think girls like being deceived. No? Okay. Clear. So, you're really okay with me and Jenny Gildenhorn, huh? Totally. Stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that. I know. But that was before you saw me in this dope-ass tux. I mean, you must be freaking out. Oh, I am. I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them. I know you're making fun of me, but that sexy voice is kinda getting me going. But more importantly, this is a fancy outfit, all right? I sprang for the three button jacket. It was $8 extra. He's heading for the alley. Whoa, hey. Dad, it's your son under here. Charles Boyle. Rosa said you had a personal question. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just second-guessing every decision I ever made. Oh, my God, why did I buy a cube-shaped car? Because you love it. Dad, listen... Oh! Let's just sit down... Oh! Screw a 2,000-year-old tradition. I'm taking the bag off. [gasps] Okay, Dad, listen. Everyone gets nervous. Everyone gets cold feet. I was nervous before I married Eleanor. She ended up cheating on you with the guy from the mattress commercials. Sleepy Stu? Don't bring up Sleepy Stu. Rosa thinks I should call off the wedding. That is not what I said. This is why I don't talk to people. I just asked him if he was feeling nervous. Rosa, you know how suggestible Boyle men are. I saw one Samuel L. Jackson movie, and I work a Kangol hat for three years. Ah! There has been a mix-up and the caterer has cooked one of the doves, so I need some good news. How is that speech going? Do you want to hear it? Yes. "Darlene and Lynn, "I want you to remember the words of Luther Vandross: "'A thousand kisses from you... [voice cracking] "'A thousand kisses from you "'is never too much...'" Every time he reads it, he breaks down. I thought you had done this before. Well, yeah, but that was just workout metaphors. You told me to get gorgeous with it, and it took me to some very real places. Terry, I'm sorry, but you're fired. Captain, the speech is yours. It needs to be emotional and poetic. Can you do it? Well, my first Captain used to call me Emily Dickinson. Great. Of course, he meant it as an insult about my sexuality, but don't worry. I am good at emotion. NYPD! We know you're here, Minsk! Freeze! Hey! [grunts] Gregor Minsk, you're under arrest. Oh! I can't let Jenny see me like this. I ripped my cummerbund. It's okay. I have an extra one. You can borrow it. From my high school jazz band uniform. I'm only gonna tell you this because you were a great partner today. Uh-huh? I played French horn. I still do. Oh, whaaaaaaaaat? The guests are all here and nothing is ready. We don't have a ring, the cake says, "Darlene and Lunn," and the smoke machine is not working. I could crouch by the altar and vape. You are a stone-cold atrocity. Okay, we just need to make sure nothing else goes wrong. Charles... Hmm? Where is your dad? Where is Lunn? Um, he's still having a little trouble with his cuff links. You know us Boyle men and our clumsy ham hands. Please say you're not gonna reference your ham hands in your toast. Well, you made me take out the brother-sister sex stuff, so there was this big hole on page 18. Page 18? Made it! Made it in time. Ew, Amy! Your dress is filthy. Luckily I brought you a spare outfit. Hmm? I knew I was gonna hate whatever you chose. Oh, my God. It's Jenny. She's here. Okay, how do I look? You look great. Go get her, Bond. Thanks, Maxi Pads. Jenny Gildenhorn? I didn't know you were coming to this. Jake Peralta? Yeah. Oh, my God. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. Wow. Oh, sorry I'm a little bit ruffled. I arrested a very dangerous counterfeiter on my way here. Ah, look at that. One of my three jacket buttons is unbuttoned. Must have happened during the fight. That's embarrassing. Hey, I don't know anyone here. Want to sit together? Uh, yes, I would. After you. Uh, Jake, wait! What are you doing? Give me the ring. [chuckles] You sound like Gollum. That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty. Okay. Well, not to worry. I've got the ring right here. Nope. Those are my mints. I eat mints. No big deal. Um... uh-huh... I lost the ring. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I must have dropped the ring somewhere around here during the takedown. I'm so stupid! No, it's my fault. I made us go after Minsk. Please don't climb in here. I don't want you smelling like garbage for your slow-dance with Jenny Gildenhorn. Oh, don't worry. The only thing I'm gonna smell like is the Jason Priestly cologne I wore in middle school. It's just called "Brandon," and it is overpowering. [gasps] Jake! Look! Oh, my God! You found it! And you're on one knee. Are you proposing? Yes. Will you, Jacob Peralta, accept this ring and bring it with me to our weird friends' parents' wedding? Yes. A thousand times, yes! Oh! [grunts] Tight. Yeah, it's so tight, dawg. And no, I mean the ring is actually tight. [grunts] Amy, it's stuck. The ring is stuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me try. We have to get this off. Jenny's gonna think I'm married. Also it'll ruin Lynn and Darlene's wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just us here. You don't have to pretend like you care about them. Okay. Jake has the ring. I found an extra place setting for your psychic. Strange, she said you wouldn't be able to. Because she's a fraud. You need to start seeing my psychic. Best of all, I fixed this! (Charles) It's working! How'd you do that? I grew up with a smoke machine in the apartment, Charles. I liked to enter the kitchen in the morning with vivacity. Regina, you're amazing. Everything's just perfect. Thank you for making this the third-best day of my life. Third? First was having you. Second was sleeping with a roadie for the Steve Miller Band. (Charles) Oh! I love you, Mom. I love you. I love you. [both smooching] Grab some of those if you're throwing 'em out. Mwah! [grunts] Mwah! My mom. [clears throat] You did so great. I, however, hit a small snag. [sobbing] No! Do not take off that tux, Lynn What are you doing? We had a deal. I said, "If you hurt my mother, I will cut off your son's testicles." You're right. Cut 'em off! No! Okay. As much as I would love to do that, I would like my mom to be happy. So can you please have a seat? Mm-hmm. And just explain to me what is going on. I'm worried I'm just rushing into this. I barely know your mom. I don't even know her favorite kind of soup. Is it tomato? Nobody likes soup, Lynn. You're a family of soup-haters. What have I done? Look. Do you know why my mom loves you? Because you take big risks. Like how you got her that dog on your second date. [chuckles] Those kind of things just blow up in my face half the time. I mean, the dog worked out great, but... The dog was a disaster. She hates it. But she loved that you took that shot. Do you know who never, ever rushes into anything? Cowards. That's exactly right, Rosa. Cowards. And you're a weirdo. I'd call you a hobbit... Yeah. A human pile of mashed potatoes... Mm-hmm. But you are no coward, Lynn Boyle. Lynn Linetti. I'm taking your mother's name. Oh! You're making this hard. My mom loves you. You love her. Now follow your big, weird heart. Oh, you're right. It's time for a wedding! Pants, Dad! Pants! A wedding with pants! Yeah. Wedding's starting soon. How are things going? but I'm having some trouble with my speech. All I've got so far is a poem. Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic. "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families." It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels. Uh, it feels a little impersonal. What did the officiant say when you got married? Not much. When gay marriage was legalized, we weren't sure if or when it was gonna be struck down, so speed was of the essence. Do you, Kevin... Yes. And do you... Yes, yes, we do! We're married! I remarked afterwards that I wished the officiant had been more efficient. [chuckles] It was very funny. Kevin still talks about it. Aha! Maybe I should open with that zinger. It is amazingly funny. Oh. I'm just not sure this is the right crowd for it. No zinger? No haiku? Then I have nothing. Maybe I should wing it. Love: It sustains you. It's like... oatmeal. Okay, okay. Not bad for winging it. I lied. Took me two hours to write that. How do I look? Oh! You look incredible! Up high! Down low! (both) Butts, butts, butts. You're the worst family in history, but at least you're ready. Scully's run out of songs. Right now, he's singing. ♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪ ♪ Don't you forget about me ♪ Best rock and roll song ever written. (both) Tied with Kokomo. Hey! So we have good news and we have great news. The good news is we found the ring. The great news is we'll never lose it again. What are you trying to say? The ring is stuck on his finger. I told him not to be cute about it. I'm cute about everything. Okay, okay, what do we do? I could pull the ring off, but it might hurt your little fingers. That's fine. I just won't look so I don't know when you're gonna do it. Jenny! No! [bone pops] [screams] Okay, this is your last chance to carry me bodyguard-style, so... Absolutely not. 20 years later and I've been Funged again. She Funged me! She doesn't seem that great. We just saw her making out with a guy she barely even knows. No, it's not her fault. Did you see that guy's tux jacket? Four buttons. We did this. Our sex made this happen. Charles, mic's on. We can hear all this, bud. I'm Captain Raymond Holt. Welcome. Marriage is a contract... but it's so much more than that. Marriage is love. It's commitment, it's joy, it's understanding, it's patience, it's anger, it's reconciliation, it's everything. It's like oatmeal. It... sustains you. Darlene, do you take Lynn to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Lynn, do you take Darlene to be your lawfully weddeded wife? I do. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. [cheers and applause] Yeah! Get it, Daddy! [applause continues] Yeah! I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony. It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married. Oh, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient-officiant" quip. Mmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more... festive expression of our commitment to one another. Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding? Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded. Yes, yes, I know. They were answers on Jeopardy. I think you mean questions. [both laugh] You guys are fun. He's not playing my playlist. Congratulatis, Charles. Marcus! Rosa said you weren't coming. Yeah, I wasn't. Just got the call about an hour ago. Oh, but, hey. I'm DVR-ing Bones, so no spoilers. Don't worry. I don't watch. Too scary. I'm gonna ask the DJ to play Kokomo, and get this place turnt up. So... I didn't ask you to the wedding because I was being a coward. I was scared things were moving too quickly, but I don't give a crap. I love you. That's all I wanted to say. If you had plans tonight, you can get out of here. I love you too. Doesn't have Kokomo. You guys are in the middle of something. I'm gonna go to the car, get my CDs. [Air Supply's All Out of Love] ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ I'm so lost without you ♪ How is this song playing? ♪ I know you were right ♪ ♪ Believing for so long ♪ [sighs] Hey. Sorry you missed your chance with Jenny Gildenhorn. It's not a big deal. She's just a girl that I've been obsessed with since I learned what love was. Well, we got the bad guy today. Thank you for helping me. And I know it's not Jenny Gildenhorn, but if you wanted to slow-dance tonight, I know somebody who'd be into that. Okay. Perfect. This is Gina's great-aunt Susan. Hi. She's been asking about you all night. She thinks you're very handsome. Says you have a dancer's frame. Well, you have a good eye, milady. Shall we? [sighs] Oh... you. ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ What am I without you? ♪ ♪ I can't be too late ♪ She's very handsy. All right, Mayweather. Where'd you learn to punch like that? Golden Gloves, from 8 to 18. Kenny: Y'all need to come chew on some of this iron. Get some grown-man muscles, not those "Body by Jake" Cardio-Kickboxing" bodies y'all working with. - Yeah, is that right? - Yeah, that's right. Oh, that's funny. See, now, look, I don't mess with none of that Zumba/pilates/spin B.S. This is a grown-ass-man workout. And for real, I'm gonna start charging y'all for this. People should have to pay to see this. Yeah, I-I think you're right. Smart move. - Get him! - Let's get him to the break room! Did you tell T.C. you wanted to move? Yeah, but you know T.C. I mean, he's not a real planner. He's more "go with the flow." Yeah, I guess. [Indistinct talking] So... what is this? I... [laughs] [Dance music plays] - Give me my shorts. - Ladies, ladies, ladies. Kenny says we got to pay to display, - so this one's on me. - Give me my shorts! - Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! - What, do you mean these? Give... give me ... I will kill you. - Nice grown-ass-man muscles. - I really... Give me, give me my friggin' shorts! Tee, strike a pose. Ha ha ha. [Women cheering] If H.R. asks, I was not here. Not a word. So, uh, you want to get a better look? - I'm good. Nothing I haven't seen. - Give me my friggin' shorts... Oh, you naughty girl. - I didn't mean to. It just got heated, - Uh-huh. - And... - Uh-huh. I hadn't had any in like a year. Okay. Oh, I'm gonna get you! I kind of wish I hadn't, though, 'cause I don't want him to see me as just a hookup, you know? No! Come on, you're just gonna... Oh, hey, Krista. Hey, Jordan. Gwen. Hey, what's up, Krista? - Hey! - Not much. Huh. Wow. Did she hear that? I'm glad everybody's having a good time. - Oh! That's right. - Mollie: Hey, guys? Shift starts in five minutes. We already have incoming. Come on. Let's go. Okay. - Oh-oh-oh. - Give-to-me, oh... Oh! Mm-hm. Hey. What's your name, sir? Christian Boone. Call me Boone. I'm just having a little trouble breathing. All right. Well, we're gonna take good care of you. - Why don't you hop on over here? - Yeah. - You having any chest pain? - Yeah, a little. All right, we'll run a few tests and see what's going on with you. Mollie, can we get a blood panel, CBC, and an EKG? - Yes, ma'am. - Thank you. - [Scoffs] - [Laughs] - You gonna post those? - You know I am. I love this phone... takes amazing pictures. I got my daughter the same one as a reward for getting straight A's last semester. Lucky you. My son's favorite subjects are lunch and recess. I don't see a scholarship in our future. Or a phone in his. Topher? You've got a call. Michael, you need parenting advice, you know where to find me. Father of the year. Thanks, Jocelyn. Secret texts to a new girlfriend? Oh, uh, no. The... the father of my patient that just passed... Oren. Oh, I'm sorry. That was the radiation guy, right? Yeah. He was so sweet. Yeah. Anyways, that's the, uh, that's the job, right? Have to move on. Still doesn't make it easy. So, you ready for your surgical rotation? [Chuckles] Yeah, yeah. Been, uh, been studying hard. Have to keep up the family name, so my dad says. Scott says your dad's already called three times to find out what you're doing. Yeah, it'll be 20 before the week's over. Good luck following the last surgical intern, 'cause I hear she pretty much killed it. Oh, oh, you mean the one that made out with her attending, right? - That... that one. - Hmm. Okay. Okay. When's that gonna die? Attention, everybody! I just got off the phone with dispatch. We have a building collapse downtown. We are gonna be the major receiving. - Estimated number of casualties? - Up to 50. They're requesting that E.R. personnel get triage up and running on-site. I'm on it. Drew, you're with me. Anyone wants a ride, train leaves now. - Okay, Boone. Uh... - [Monitor beeping steadily] Well, the good news is, it's not an acute heart attack. [Sighs] But here's the thing. Oh. There's always a thing. Yeah. There could be some underlying heart disease. And I'm concerned about your symptoms. You fainted, so we need to find out why. Have you been under any stress lately? [Scoffs] Who isn't under stress these days? Right, right. Look, I want to keep you here overnight for observation. Better to be safe than sorry. Doctor, I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's been an explosion in Southtown. - It's a mass casualty. - Southtown? That's where my diner is. - I have to go. My goddaughter works there. - No, no you don't. - No, no, no, no. - You need to stay here and rest. No, I have to find out if she's okay. Sir, you couldn't get downtown if you tried. It's been zoned off, okay? - Well, th-then I have to call her. - Just relax. Of course. We understand. Okay, look. If you start to feel funny, you tell Nurse Mollie, I'll come back and check on you, okay? - You've got your phone? - Yeah. - Okay. Thank you, Mollie. - Yeah. Topher. Hey. Where are we? I've talked to all departments. We've activated disaster protocol. Scott and Paul are prepping O.R.s. I pulled the disaster kits. All right. Triage everyone. Red tag... critical, yellow... urgent, - green... walking wounded, black... D.O.A. - Got it. - You know what? I'll help you prep. - Yes, thank you! Kenny! How's that waiting room looking? Cleared and ready for the walking wounded. Grabbed all the O-neg I could get my hands on. We're gonna need more than that. Everybody, be on your toes! It's gonna be messy. Joce, did you get T.C.? Yeah. He just arrived on-site. Tee, tell me something good. If I did, I'd be lying to you, brother. - How bad are we talking? - It's gonna be a long night. [Indistinct shouting] Let's roll him on three. T.C.: One, two, three. Rigid abdomen. BP 90 systolic, pulse 120. I'm worried about a hot belly. I saw him. He saved me. Who saved you, sir? My guardian angel. He's as big as an ox. He saved me, pulled me from death. I hear you. I hear you. Let's get him out of here. An intra-abdominal bleed. Let's red-tag him for a straight shot to the O.R. Yeah. All right. Gwennie, what do we got? Male in his 20s. 14-centimeter full-thickness laceration to his left forearm. He's lost a lot of blood. Somebody used a belt as a tourniquet. - You didn't do that? - No, it wasn't me. It'll probably save his life. Hey, take a look at his forehead. What is that, a cross? No, it's not a cross. It's a "t." Writing a "t" in a patient's blood is military shorthand for "tourniquet." We got us a medic out here. - Drew: Hey, Tee! - Yeah? - Go on. I got this. - All right. I got a closed mid-shaft tibia fracture. I started two large-bore I.V.s of LR wide open, going to titrate morphine for pain of three. Nice splint, Drew. It was on him when I got here. Someone's getting to the injured faster than we are. Think I have a good idea who that might be. Guy with the hat. Got it! All right. Let's get a dressing on it, - okay? - Okay. How many suture packs have you gone through tonight? I stopped counting at 50. At this pace, we're gonna run out of those and blood. I got Ragosa starting a blood bank. I'll have him replenish the other supplies, too. 8 red tags, 13 yellow. A dozen green. We've had two D.O.A.s. All surgery teams upstairs are working, but every department's getting buried. And lots of families for missing people. Hey-hey, Kenny, we need you to run point and get an accurate count of the missing. Got it. All right, I'm gonna check on my heart patient. Page me for the next trauma. Keep digging in, people. Oh hey, guys. I got this. Did you hear about my guardian angel? He carried me out. I'm... I'm gonna have to wait for the movie, sir. Hey, Paul. Your next surgery. Julian: Paul! Paul: Dad? What are you what are you doing here? Hello, Paul. I told you not to come, Dad. This is my first night of surgery. Nonsense. That's exactly why I did come. You think I'd miss your first night? Dr. Cummings. Huge honor. I'm Dr. Zia, Paul's attending and night-shift chief. Oh, of course. I-I was in Austin giving a lecture. Decided I'd swing by. On any other night, we would roll out the red carpet. But as you can see... I-I understand. I'll just make myself busy down here. Paul, I'll talk to you later. Don't let me down. T.C.: He's good. I've already checked him. Set another I.V. on the way in. Come on, let's go. [Coughing] [Sirens wailing] Thanks, guys. I've got it from here. What do we got there? Just wrapping a broken wrist. What's your name? Bennett. James Bennett. I was nearby. I heard an explosion, came over to see what happened. So you pulled an old man out of the rubble? Tourniquet on an arm? Splint another man's leg. Oh, man, I'm sorry if I overstepped. I was just trying to help out. Don't apologize. Army medic, right? Yes, sir... two tours in Afghanistan. Looks like it's our lucky night. You're an off-duty paramedic? I'm not a paramedic. I wish I was, though. I just can't get on any of the crews. How long you been trying? More than a year. They said I had to take an EMT course, but, you know, that's 10 grand for a cheap one. I don't have that. They won't transfer over your medic service? Guy like you would be an asset to them. You've done this stuff under fire. Uh, yes, sir. They said I had to start over. I don't mind. I'll do whatever it takes. I just don't have the cash. Man: Hey, Doc! We got another one! Hey, look. Your service counts with us, all right? We're a little shorthanded tonight. Do you mind sticking around, helping out? Of course. Anything. Yeah yeah, see all those green tags over there? Start treating the walking wounded. You're gonna be all right. They're gonna take care of you. Over here. Look, there's a battle sign, anisocoria. Left pupil bigger than the right... Bring her to Gwen. Tell Gwen to bring her straight to Jordan. Possible TBI to the basilar skull fracture. Man: Got it. You're still a bit tachycardic. My goddaughter still hasn't answered her phone. I'm sure she's fine. But you do need to try to relax as much as possible. I will be back soon to check on you. Okay. Oh. Excuse me. So, if you're wondering, "is that world-renowned neurosurgeon Dr. Julian Cummings working triage in my E.R.?"... your eyes do not deceive you. Come on... did he come here to watch Paul on his first night of surgery? Talk about putting pressure on the kid. Night like this, I'll take all the help we can get. Yeah. Scott: This gentleman kept talking about his guardian angel before we put him under. I'm starting to think he might just actually have one. Okay. Removing the perforated ischemic intestine. Paul, tie off that blood vessel for me. Yeah, of course. [Monitor beeping steadily] One-handed? I'll have to tell your dad about that... assuming he's the one who taught you. Yeah, well, some dads teach their sons to play catch. Others teach their sons to tie surgical knots. Guess which one I had. Gwen: Incoming! Jordan? Female, 20s. Red-tag head trauma. T.C. said possible traumatic brain injury and basilar skull fracture. She's been in and out of consciousness on the ride over. What's your name, sweetie? Alex. Okay, Alex. You stay with me, okay? That's her! That's my goddaughter! - Oh, my God! Alex! - Sir, you can't be in here. - Alex! Alex! Alex! - It's okay. He's my patient. - He can talk to her from there. - All right. On three. One, two, three. - Alex: Uncle Boone? - Boone: Yeah. Is that you? It's me, sweetie. I'm here for you. [Monitor beeping rapidly] Jordan: BP's falling. I need a chem panel and a CBC. Cross and type. I was so worried about you. Oh, God. Oh, God. Where are you? What's happening? Alex? - Talk to me. What's going on? - I can't... I can't see anything. - Talk to me. Talk to me. - I can't see. I can't see! Do something! - Uncle, help me! - Alex! - Get him out! - Let me help her! - We're gonna take care of her, all right? - Alex. [Monitor beeping steadily] Okay, Alex. We're gonna figure out what's going on. Kenny here is gonna take you to C.T., all right? Kenny: I'm right here, Alex. Look, I'll be with you the whole way. Just say my name if you need anything, okay? Okay. Uncle Boone, are you there? I'm right here, baby. I'm scared. You let them take you, okay? They're gonna fix you up real good. Priority to C.T. scan. There could be bleeding in her occipital lobe. Ah, front of the line we go. Bennett: I got no pulse! [Sirens wailing] He's got a pulse now. Yeah, I saw he had a pacemaker, so I went to do a... - Precordial thump? - Yeah. Good call. All right, 50s, male. Red tag to the E.R. Drew: Forget paramedic. You should be a doctor. Thanks, but I'll stay with the action. I like being the first guy to help people. It's the one thing I'm really good at. Well, if you got one skill, that's a damn good one to have. - Man: Yellow Tag, Doc. - All right. You got this? Okay, yeah. Adrenaline's tough to replace, huh? I was a medic in Iraq. Don't know what I'd be doing if I wasn't a doctor. Geez, how'd you go from being a field medic to a doc? Somewhere along the way, I just caught a lucky break. You're like an army commercial. [Chuckles] You know, they make it seem like you serve and you're set for life. I still wouldn't trade it for anything, though. Please tell me it's not like this every night at this hospital. Well, uh, no. Mass casualty's actually pretty rare, Dad. I'm talking about the quality of facilities, the protocol, the inefficiencies... Look, can we... can we talk later? Okay? I need to get this patient to surgery. Paul, look. This is simple triage. You want the most critical patient. This is your patient. Look, I'm just trying to follow Dr. Clemmens' orders. Then Dr. Clemmens is wrong. Paul, what's the holdup? I need my patient in surgery. Right, um, my father and I are having a minor difference of opinion as to whom we should bring up to surgery. You got to be kidding me. Dr. Cummings, I'm Dr. Clemmens. This patient is your next surgery. She was incorrectly yellow-tagged. Her crush injury is now presenting as a distended abdomen. Consider ruptured viscus or hemoperitoneum. He's right. Paul, let's prep this patient for surgery. Thank you for your input, Dr. Cummings. I-I-I would like to observe. How 'bout I sit in on this one? You know what, it's Paul's first night in surgery, so I don't think it's... scrubs are right in there. Fantastic. You didn't have to say yes. Yeah, I did. He's relentless. He would have found his way into that O.R. eventually. Hey, you. Crazy night, huh? One for the books. - I-is Alex done with her scan? - Uh, she'll be back in five. Is this how it's gonna be between us now? I've got work to do. I'm sure you do, too. Michael. Walk with me. How are we on blood? Ah good... we just got a new shipment in from the blood drive at Lackland. Should take us through the night. Great. I.C.U. just freed up some beds. Let's get some patients up there ASAP. - [Upbeat piano music plays] - You a fan of Grumpy Cat? [Laughs] Makes me laugh every time. No, it's, uh... when my daughter and I got our new phones, we somehow got stuck sharing the same cloud, so now I'm getting her texts every five seconds. I've just got to ask them to disconnect it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. Sharing that cloud gives you complete insight into her world. Aw... That's like a gift from the gods. Make sure she's not doing anything, you know... Unsavory. Anyway [Sighs] heading to the I.C.U. [Monitor beeping steadily] Oh, Doc. Thank God. Her vision came back. I thought it would be good if he hung out with Alex. - It keeps them both calmer. - That was a great idea. I'm just gonna get in there and take a look. You have any blurriness? Just a little. Thought my painting career was over before it started. Jordan: I can imagine. Well, your C.T. came back and there's no acute bleeding, but we're still gonna have ophthalmology and neurology take a look. How are you feeling? Aside from the bumps and bruises, I feel okay. That's good. Have they figured out why the building blew up? Alex, please. You need to rest. Let the doctor go do her job. No it's okay. It's just early reports are saying it's a gas-line leak. Oh, no. What's the matter? I was working late at the diner, and I can't remember if I turned off the pilot light. Alex, it's not your fault, honey. It couldn't be. Um... Somebody want to catch me up here? My diner is on the ground level of the same building that was damaged. When we close up in the evenings, it's Alex's job to turn off the pilot light - for the stove and water heater. - And I couldn't remember if I did, so I got dressed and headed back to the diner to check. But just as I went inside... Alex, I'm sure that your uncle is right. I mean, have you ever forgotten before? No. No, it's just I... I just... I ca... I ca... can't remember. Jordan: Alex? [Monitor beeping rapidly] BP's 220 systolic. What does that mean? What does that... Alex! - What does that mean? Alex? - Weak on the right side. All right, start a nitro drip. She's having a stroke. - [Gasping] - Boone, you're hyperventilating. - Try to breathe like me. - Oh, God! Try to breathe like me. Oh, God! Oh, God! - Oh my God. - There's no pulse. All right. His heart's failing. Grab a crash cart. Come on. Come on. The last of the red and yellow tags have been moved to E.R.s. We got a few green tags, but I think everyone's been treated. Okay, great. Let's pack it up. Where's Gwen and Drew? They were doing last looks with Bennett. [Explosion] T.C.: All right, everybody. We are looking for that big army medic. Drew, are you sure you and Gwen saw him come in here? Drew: A guy that size is kind of hard to miss. I saw him run into the building after the second explosion. [Muffled explosion] Gwen: That's not good. I'm not leaving till I find him! Bennett! Bennett? ! Bennett! Can you hear us? Over here! Over here! Bennett! We're here! Drew: Let's get this stuff off him. Can you guys move him? Watch that. Be really careful. Okay, I'll support his torso. Pull on three. Ready? Tee, his arm's been severed. Son of a bitch. We got to move him now. Okay. And now to reduce the compartment pressure. 10 blade to our intern. Seriously? Never do it, never learn. You're up, Paul. You mean an 11 blade, right, Dr. Clemmens? Well, I said 10. I meant 10. We all have our preferences. Well, it's not a preference. There's a right way and a wrong way. 11 gives you a more precise cut and less tissue trauma. I know what an 11 blade does, but we don't have time to be cute or fancy. This is a fasciotomy to reduce the compartment pressure. This isn't neurosurgery. [Scoffs] That's for sure. [Sighs] 10 blade to our intern, please. Paul, use the 11 blade. Dr. Cummings, I understand that you are used to running the show, but you are in my O.R., and I cannot have you compromising my team. You will either have to let us do our work or step out. Fine. I'll step out. Just drives me crazy to see things done the wrong way. [Sighs] You've had to put up with that your whole life, huh? I came out here to get out from under his shadow. I guess Texas wasn't far enough. T.C.: James Bennett, 23. Building collapse caused transhumeral amputation to the left arm. Hypotensive and tachycardic. Mollie, prep this arm for re-attachment. My hand's burning. Just give me something for it. I'll be okay. Take it easy, there, Bennett. Give me two migs of Ativan and push another 10 of morphine. And, uh, Jocelyn, get me two units of O-neg and set up for a central line. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy. - [Grunts] - Oh! Get... hey! I'm going back out there! He can shoot me if he wants me to stay! No one's gonna shoot you, okay? We're gonna take care of you. It's all going to be okay. All right. There we go. Jocelyn, can you call up to surgery and make sure there's an O.R. free for arm re-attachment? - Do it now. - Jocelyn: Right away. Okay. You okay? You took quite a shot. I'm good. I've been hit harder than that before. On three. One, two, three. He's in heart failure. There's fluid in his lungs. Did we miss a heart attack? No, his second troponin is normal. It's more complicated than that. - He needs an echocardiogram. - Yeah. Alex's MRI is back. Topher: Whoa. Look at this. Things just got more complicated for Alex. Yeah. It's not good. Krista, stay here and watch Boone. I'll be upstairs getting a surgical consult. - Okay. - Excuse me. Alex has a carotid dissection that has sent blood clots to her brain. Well, that would explain the loss of vision - and then the stroke. - Exactly. In a few hours, the damage from the stroke will be permanent, and a large section of her brain will die. [Sighs] But there is a Hail Mary. - A-a mechanical embolectomy. - Mm-hmm. We retrieve the clots from her brain using a catheter. But we'll be hard-pressed getting an interventionalist to the hospital at this hour. Yeah, well, the thing is, we already have one. - Paul's dad. - Mm-hmm. I've already called the hospital for privileges, and they're sending over authorization for the procedure now. [Sighs] I-I'd like you to ask him. I figure he'd respect you more, you know? Surgeon to surgeon. Yeah. - Awesome. Thank you. I appreciate it. - Mm-hm. Limb re-attachment in the E.R.? I don't know. What's the wait on surgery and vascular? Backed up for hours. Bennett doesn't have hours, okay? He'll lose the arm. I don't know his full story, but he's not had it easy since post-deployment. So... So you got to let us try. Okay, he's a soldier. He's one of us. He was out there saving people and got hurt. I-I get what's at stake. I want you guys to do it. But if we get swamped again, I can't have you two siphoned off for the rest of the night while other people die. - Mollie. - Yes? How we looking on mass casualty admits? I haven't had one in a while. They say the area's all clear. - There you go. - Okay, okay. Do it. But we get busy, I'm gonna pull you off. - We can't trade a life for an arm. - Okay, thanks. - Krista: It wasn't a heart attack. - Jordan: No. How did his heart get so dilated? He mentioned that he was under a lot of pressure earlier this evening. It could be the severe stressor that weakened his heart, causing dilation. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Broken-heart syndrome? That's what it looks like. He's gonna need a heart transplant... or, at the very least, an LVAD. We'll let him know what his options are when he wakes up. But for now, we should keep an eye on Alex's surgery. - He'll want to know how she's doing. - Okay. Okay. Thanks. All right, bud. And we've just received hospital privileges for you to perform the surgery. Of course you did. So, um, Dr. Clemmens, you'll allow me to use your O.R.? And perhaps an 11 blade? Look, I'm sorry if you felt that I was... Tactless. Disrespectful. Rude... Dad! Dad. You're the only one capable of the procedure that will save her life. Okay? So, please, just... just do it. Fine. I'll perform the procedure. Under two conditions. One, Dr. Clemmens, you stay out of my O.R. And two, I need Paul to assist me. It's his first night on surgery. It's not mine. Paul, scrub in. We can finally have that talk you've been avoiding. And we are steering the catheter up to the blood clot in her brain. Opening the basket and grabbing the clot. Watch this, Paul. And just like that... [Syringe pops] Adios, clot. That's really cool. Oh, finally. You think your old man's cool. I've always thought that, Dad. Well, I find that hard to believe. You could've gone to my Alma Mater or my med school or joined our practice after your residency. I said I admired you. I didn't say I want to be you. Can we do this later, please? Well, it's the only time I get to see you. Every time I call, you're either too busy or too tired or whatever else you make up to get me off the phone. So, let's talk about what it's gonna take for you to accept a surgical residency to Johns Hopkins. It's time for you to go big or go home. So, what was your lucky break? That's a long story. We're re-attaching an arm. We got time. Touché. You ever drive a '64 GTO? No. That the car you had growing up? Oh, hell no. I was broke. But Thad and I, we drove one one time. Man, driving that car was a real come-to-Jesus moment. W-wait. So... Wait, did you and your bro steal a car? Oh, well, we were gonna return it. We used to go down to Camden Yards and "borrow" cars during games. We got about five blocks before we got busted. Morning of the hearing, we're on our way to the courthouse, and the energy felt wrong. So we look around, and everyone's eyes are on the TVs. And what was going on? What was on it? Well, we got there just in time to see the second plane crash into the World Trade Center. So we just sat there and we watched, stunned. And, you know, just, uh... Made all the crap we were doing just seem so childish. So we went up to the judge and we said, "Hey, if you let us off," we will go straight down to the recruiting office, sign up for the army, "go kick some serious ass for the U.S.A." - Some break. - Yeah. I told you... boosting that car was a serious come-to-Jesus moment. So the army put me through med school. Without that, who knows where I'd be? Probably in prison, getting traded for a pack of cigarettes. I'm worth at least a carton. Whatever you say, Doc. I can't... I can't give you a decision. Well, you're gonna have to. They're not gonna hold that residency for you forever. I didn't ask you to get me one. And if I wanted one, Dad, I would've gotten one myself, all right? Maybe. It's very competitive. People would kill for this opportunity. But you didn't even try. That tells me you were afraid. I wa... no, I wasn't afraid, okay? I didn't want to go there. Well, sometimes a father can see what's best for their child even if they can't. Hey. Just checking in to see how Alex's procedure went. How do you think it went? Paul, we'll talk about this later. I need to make sure your, uh, staff can properly take care of my patient. Come on. Let's take a walk. Please tell me we're done, Gwen. We've been given the all-clear. No more casualties headed this way. Finally! Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Oh, hey. You were right with your advice about my daughter's phone. Check this out. I mean, don't check it out. Whoa. That is a very skimpy bathing suit. I didn't even know she had that. I did not get her that phone to be sexting. I thought she was a nerd. I mean, I-I want her to be a nerd. [Cellphone vibrates] Kids are what they are, you know? Holy sh... she just said, "my dad works all night." He won't know if we hook up." She... she is... she is grounded forever. That text is going to be her last on that phone. Wait. Hold on. Keep your cool. Don't blow your cover. Blow my cover? This isn't "The Departed". This is my daughter we're talking about. No, no. Look. When the Brits cracked the Nazi code in World War II, they waited to get more information, right? I don't care about that. Some punk named sexyman916 is sexting with my daughter. Okay. Blow your cover. And you'll never know what she's up to again, okay? Now, you listen to me. You have Janet make sure she's in, and you track this. You don't know what else she's up to. I think I'm gonna be sick. Yeah, well, get used to it. I wish I had something like that to know what Naomi's doing. Trust me... they grow up really fast. I hate technology. Hey. Hey, babe. Haven't seen you all night. So, limb attachment in the E.R. That's pretty exciting stuff. Yeah. Just waiting for it to pink up, see if it worked. So, how you feeling, Mama? You didn't get any sleep this afternoon. I know... that's because every time I close my eyes, there's a million questions just running through my brain. You need to relax. - Yeah? - Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm trying, but... Okay. Which O.B. are we going with? Where are we gonna live once the baby gets here? And who's gonna take care of the baby when we're both working a shift? Dr. Newton, my apartment, Topher will schedule us on different shifts. I'm a genius. Problem solved. Thank you. Okay, well, I prefer Dr. Zeuli over Dr. Newton, uh, your apartment is way too small, and we will never see each other if we work separate shifts. When you put it like that... - Mm. - Ahh. Jordan, I need you to talk to Boone. He's freaking out. Okay. I'll be right there. Thank God you're cute. I have seen hundreds of surgical residents and E.R. interns do their rotations, and I can tell you, after one day, you're in the top five. - Really? - Yes. So I get why your father pushes you as hard as he does. I'm sure you are a really good E.R. doc, but you could be an amazing surgeon. It's like when Jordan left the Bulls to go play baseball. It just... it just felt like such a waste. Yeah, but that was his first love. He was just following his heart. Okay. So, what's in your heart? E.R. medicine? - No. - Then what is? Because if you are just rebelling against your father, then you're cutting your nose off to spite your face. If you want to be a surgeon, be one. [Monitor beeping steadily] Boone, you do understand that if you refuse the medical advice that I'm giving you, your chance of survival is close to zero? Yes, I understand. Yes, I want to die. Where is this coming from? What about Alex? She's gonna need you now more than ever. Okay, look, I... I realize that a heart transplant is a scary proposal... It's not that. The heart should go to someone else. Why would you s... Because. [Sobs softly] [Voice breaking] I caused that explosion that made that building collapse. Can't believe it. Hey. What's wrong? Our... our first patient of the shift, Boone, the whole mass casualty was his fault. He just confessed to me that he was bankrupt, so he intentionally set fire to his diner to collect the insurance money. He thought it was contained. And now he may have injured or killed all of those people, not to mention his goddaughter. Has he been read his rights? The police are on their way, but for now, he's our patient, and... We just have to keep him alive. Except he's refusing medical treatment. He just wants to die. Yeah, I don't think he's gonna get off that lucky. He's devastated about what he did. Especially how it's gonna affect Alex. He can't even face her. Oh, man. I have to tell her before the police get here. Good luck. - Mm. - Yeah. Good times. So, they're taking this thing off? I was just starting to like it. It's kind of a cool look. [Laughs] Well, listen, with some time and healing and a good amount of physical therapy, you're gonna be ready to work. Work? [Chuckles] Yeah, that's... that's very funny, Doc. Well, actually, we did some digging in the V.A. They got a new program that credits army medic service and gets guys like you jobs in V.A. Emergency Centers. It's called an Intermediate Care Technician. You train as you get paid. In 13 months, you're gonna be fully certified to work in any hospital in the country. I had no idea. I thought the V.A. sucked. Well, nah. They do some good things there, too. Don't paint them all bad. So, there's a slot waiting for you. You start class in a couple of weeks, and then you earn while you learn. [Voice breaking] I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a big baby about this. Um... Just, nobody's ever, uh... Why are you guys doing this for me? I'm nobody. You're not a nobody. Everybody needs a break. This one's yours. Yeah. So don't screw it up. - Of course not. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Sorry. - Be careful. Let's let the surgery team finish this up. It's him. My guardian angel. That's one nice-sized angel. Glad you got your wing fixed. He was my only family. I can't believe he did this. Was it to help pay for my school? No. It had nothing to do with you. He got into money trouble for a lot of reasons, and a good man made a bad decision. I think... I think it's best you try and remember all the good he did for you. I don't know if I'll be able to. Could you if you were me? I don't know. My father did some pretty stupid things, but lately, I find myself remembering all the fun we had. You know, hiking in the woods and, uh, homemade ice cream. I think it's important to remember those things. I already miss him so much. I know you do, sweetie. I know. [Crying] [Sniffles] You were right. Surgery is in my blood. I'm good at it. You're very good at it. And... I think I might want to pursue it. [Chuckles] Finally. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I'll call Dr. Nelson at Hopkins and secure your spot. I didn't say "Hopkins." I don't understand. You said you want to go into surgery. And I do... but on my own terms. And not just surgery ...pediatric surgery. - Pediatrics? - Yeah. The drunks, the GSWs ... I can do that. But I like working with kids. And, you know, I'm good at it. Okay, that's a very tough discipline. And Johns Hopkins only has one slot. - I don't know if I can swing... - You don't... you don't have to. I've already secured a slot. We're going to start a pediatric surgical fellowship here next year. Paul will finish up his internship and then move into a dual pediatric and surgical E.R. residency. W... that's an awfully big bite. You risk being mediocre at both. Or being the best. Go big or go home, right? * Orange open skies * it's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Cummings. Yeah. Look, I only want the best for you. I know you do, Dad. Believe me, I-I know. Ah, you know... A patient of mine... Oren, uh, same age as me... he just, uh, passed away last night. And the last thing that he wanted to do before he died was take a fishing trip with his father. He, uh, he never got to make it. That, uh, must have been very tough on his father. There's nothing worse than the loss of a child. Right. Well, I'm taking that fishing trip with his father this summer. * I'll be your home * and, um... And I know... I know it's not your thing... uh, it's probably not my thing, either... um... But I would... I would very much like it if you came with us? Ah, sure. Sure. I'll see if I can make it. Busy schedule and all, you know. Yeah, of course. Paul. I'd love to come, but my surgeries are booked so far in advance, there's nothing I can do. But maybe one day we can make that trip. Absolutely. * I'll be your home * * I'll be your home * Be good. * I'll be your home * * home * Don't forget to call your mother. I won't forget. Great work, everyone. I just want to thank you all for stepping up tonight. Even Ragosa. Solid work, Michael. [Cellphone vibrates] Thank you. So, what's the latest in teenage-daughter world? Anything juicy? Uh... Yeah. I got to say, your advice was spot-on. Look at this. She organized a party for tonight while I'm working and Janet's at her mom's with the twins. I think it's time to bring that hammer down. - It's time, right? - Absolutely. - This is gonna be fun, actually. - Mm. Sometimes you got to fire a shot across the bow showing Dad is not a pushover. Mm. And like you're always watching. Got to scare them sometimes. Yeah, Lynn. It's Dad. Do not even speak. You're grounded till you're 30. Yes, I can. Why? Because I know about the party. Put your mother on. [Scoffs] She was not happy. Mm. Janet. Yeah. Did you know that our da... What? I-I-I was just t-trying to... Okay. Okay. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. What was that? Well, Michael, apparently, um, my daughter knew that I was spying the whole time. What? How? She's a nerd, like I said. She could tell when I opened her texts. And she told Janet. They're teaching dad a lesson in trust. Sexyman916 is a fake account. Now my daughter and my wife are unhappy with me. It was a good plan. It was a terrible plan. Well, in hindsight. In any sight! Thanks a lot, Michael. Super advice. Can't wait to go home to my own mass casualty. S-so put those over there for me. Thanks. So, any plans for after the shift? You asking? I think I just did. Hey, you don't have to. Just because we... Yes. Yes, we did. And I don't know about you, but I'd like to do it again. But first, I'd like to take you to dinner. Goin' to a movie, maybe a Spurs game. Like a real date. Date or dates. Doesn't have to be just one. Kenny Fournette... - Hm? - You are an interesting mix of ego and sensitivity, you know that? Hey, you know, I do what I can. [Chuckles] But for now, let's go grab some pancakes. Oh, double stacks. I'm starving. - Oooh! - [Laughs] Oh. Just give me one minute. I got one piece of business to finish. * So I can find you * * And don't let darkness hide you from my face * * Baby, shed a little light so I can find you * So, I was thinking that... with the kid and all, we should get a bigger place. That's a great idea. Why didn't I think of that? 'Cause I'm smarter than you. Shh. Don't speak. That was a hell of a night. So, are we all still going out for breakfast, or are we just gonna... T.C.: Yeah, getting up. How 'bout we just sit here for another five minutes? Or 10 minutes. Yeah. I mean, we just need a bit of rest is all. [Yawning] Maybe we just call it an even half-hour. - * Trouble is hard on its heels * - That's good, half an hour * And love walked right up * [air horn blows] [Laughs] Ah, retribution. It will be swift and brutal. - * ...before * - I just slammed my shin, in reaction. * that day * [blows a harmonica] [CENSORED, look away] [ oh, my ... ] [plays the harmonica, again] My name is Kathryn. And this is my daughter Milja. Would you be able to spare some of your crop? We can offer something in exchange. A real treasure, then. We have legumes, rusticas, strong varieties. These could boost your yield. [package: Kings Seeds / Vegetables / Pumpkin ] Surely you can spare something. There's more than enough. That's what they all thought. Well, then perhaps .. Perhaps, we could stay the night. Inside. Wait. On the bed. on the bed. Wait. Inside Unbolt that door. Inside. Food first. Do you have any more chairs? Sit on the bed. Bags. Don't move. Stand up. Stand there. Turn your backs to me. Turn around. Sit back down. Where are you coming from? Mulner. You travel alone? Just the two of us. Can we have more? How long have you been here? Seven years. Always alone? I used to live with my brother. He's dead. On your feet. Inside. I need to ask you something, Don't come inside her. Shut the door. It's to shave you. You have a toilet? By the heaps, use your nose. She likes you. Do you like her? Would you like to keep seing her? The farm is small for a reason. But we still found it. We could clear more land. - More hands to manage it. --I've managed so far. You've been lucky. It wasn't luck. Pack your things. Now. He keeps the shells in his front trouser pocket. I can reach them from the bed. Will you have time to load the gun? I'll take it outside. By the time he reaches the door, I'll be ready. Try not to use both shells. Where's Milja? Milja! Light the fire. Get the blade. You need to sterilize it first. It's in one piece. It has to be cauterized. It's okay. Get back. Get away from me. Get up. Get inside. Keep that gun there. Shut the door. Outside. Gone, is he? Going .. Better this way, .. than through the stomach You think he has a chance? Well, .. no matter now. He's useful. A third mouth. On a farm fit for one. And too far gone, anyway. No harm in trying, then? You're getting sentimental. You're getting older. He was the one that found me. How did your brother die? He was careless. Down, on the floor! (? ) How many are there? Six. We have two shells and one bullet. Enough for us. Why are you wasting berries? Some meat, .. with the protein we might make it. The only thing crawling out there walked on two legs There's food enough for two. You could shave him tomorrow. Not like that. You have to do it. For both of us. .. for both us. I can cook a meal. a meal? with mushrooms. That would take a few days. We could go away for a while. We're leaving I'm not. It's too late. You know it's too late. Did you poison us? No, .. just me. Don't. Don't waste the shell. Have you got your knife? I need you to do it. When I finish this. Me and my brother used to raid camps. Stealing supplies. We would get in, get in before anybody knew we were there. One time, my brother saw this girl .. .. he should've left her. But he couldn't control himself. she screamed, we managed to get outside, They chased us, They were going to get the both of us .. Help me! I did what I had to do. Augustus. My brother's name was Augustus Run! What happens now? They'll be taking a vote, Shouldn't be long. When are you due? Six months, I think. Do you know what'll you call it? If it's a boy .. My name is Kathryn... and this is my daughter Milja. Would you be able to spare some of your crop? We can offer something in exchange. The real treasure, then. We have legumes... brassicas. Strong varieties. These could boost your yield. Surely you can spare something? There's more than enough. That's what they all thought. Well then, perhaps... Perhaps we could stay the night. Inside. Wait. On the bed. On the bed. Wait. Inside. Unbolt that door. Inside. Food first! Do you have any more chairs? Sit on the bed. Bags. Don't move. Stand up. Stand there. Turn your backs to me. Turn around. Sit back down. Where you coming from? Monaghan. You travelling alone? Just the two of us. Can we have more? How long have you been here? Seven years. Always alone? I used to live with my brother. He's dead. On your feet. Inside. I need to ask you something. Don't come inside her. Shut the door. It's to shave you. Do you have a toilet? By the heaps. Use your nose. She likes you. Do you like her? Would you like to keep seeing her? The farm's small for a reason. But we still found it. We could clear more land. More hands to manage it. I've managed so far. You've been lucky. It wasn't luck. Pack your things. Now. He keeps the shells in his front trouser pocket. I can reach them from the bed. Will you have time to load the gun? I'll take it outside. By the time he reaches the door, I'll be ready. Try not to use both shells. Where's Milja? Milja! Make the fire. Get a blade. You need to sterilise it first. It's in one piece. It has to be cauterised. It's OK. Get back. Get away from me. Get up. Get inside. Keep that gun down. Shut the door. I'm sick. Gone, is he? Going. Better this way... than through the stomach. Think he has a chance? Well... ..no matter now. He's useful. A third mouth... on a farm fit for one. And too far gone, anyway. No harm in trying, then. You're getting sentimental. You're getting older. He was the one that found me. Help me! How did your brother die? He was careless. How many are there? Six. We have two shells and one bullet. Enough for us. Why are you wasting berries? Some meat... With the protein, we might make it. The only thing I've caught in there walked on two legs. There's food enough for two. You could shave him tomorrow. Not like that. You have to do it. For both of us. For both of us. I could cook a meal. A meal? With mushrooms. That would take a few days. We could go away for a while. We're leaving. I'm not. It's too late. You know it's too late. Did you poison us? No. Just me. Don't. Don't waste the shell. Have you got your knife? I need you to do it. When I've finished this. Me and my brother used to raid camps... ..stealing supplies. We'd get in... and get out before anybody knew we were there. One time... ..my brother saw this girl. He should have left her. But he couldn't control himself. She screamed. We managed to get outside. They chased us. - They were gonna get the both of us. - Help me! I did what I had to do. We need to get the seeds before they find them. Augustus. My brother's name was Augustus. Run. What happens now? They'll be taking a vote. It shouldn't be long. When are you due? Six months... I think. Do you know what you'll call it? If it's a boy. (Siren wailing) (Door opens) (Door closes) Mikhail: I do apologize for keeping you waiting. Mikhail kozlov. Are you the embassy intelligence chief? We are not here to discuss my curriculum vitae, agent keen, only to ascertain why you are here and what you hope to accomplish now that the FBI has surrounded the embassy. I am not here to speak to a pawn without adequate clearance. Nor are we here to harbor foreign agents of the FBI, agent keen. My name is masha rostova. I am a deep-cover operative for the federalnaya sluzhba bezopasnosti. Ihavesuccessfully completedmymission and I am hereby seeking asylum. I would appreciate an immediate andprivateaudience withyourchief intelligenceofficer. (Speaks Russian) (Dials phone) I need to speak to whoever is in command of security and I need to do it now. You understand? Samar: Ressler. I just got off the line with reven Wright. Did we get the go-ahead? The state department has requested that the Russian bring her out. Requesting? Nobody would be making a request if that was bin laden in there, on U.S. soil, we'd be blasting our way in there. The Russian embassy isn't U.S. soil. That fence is a border. Crossing it is tantamount to armed invasion. It's literally an act of war. I know, but look around. The war's already started. (Beeps) Agent keen, or do you prefer rostova? (Man and woman laughing) (Shower running) (Phone rings) Woman: Connie, what's this? Connie: Patience, golubushka. Dutycalls. (Keypad clacking) (Laughs) Oh, Connie, what a delightful nod to tradition. I can't tell you how nostalgic it is to see a Russian bureaucrat demonstrating such a time-honored absence of work-ethic. Woman: Connie? Is someone here? No, darling. Keep the shower running. I'll be right in. I bought us a toy. She's much prettier than she looks sitting behind the news anchor desk. Get out! Plus she's married to a ranking member of the senate foreign relations committee. Only fair, i suppose, given the black-book military aid he's allocated to crimea. Reciprocity's a bitch, right, Connie? Screw the bear, the bear screws back. Batteries not included. By all means, do call in the troops. (Dialing) What with your government's implications in the orea bombing, and the assassinations of the sitting senator and the Attorney General of the United States? How much harm could a weekly game of water-wiggle between their ambassador and a senator's wife cause? Barely a blip in the news cycle. Though I doubt the kremlin will be nearly as jejune as I am. What do you want? That's the spirit, Connie. Service with a smile. The reason your underlings were so rudely interrupting your weekly tryst is because Elizabeth keen turned herself in to your embassy, and has identified herself as a deep-cover fsb agent in distress. (Scoffs) That's absurd. (Laughs) Yes. Quite. Nevertheless, she's currently demanding diplomatic immunity, and I want real-time reports of everything. Everything that occurs inside that building, especially the names of every drone in the decision loop between here and moscow. That won't present a problem, will it, Connie? (Cellphone ringing) Duty calls, comrade. Who are you? Alexander raskovich, fsb chief intelligence agent for Washington, D.C., which makes me senior intelligence agent for the entire Western hemisphere. I am intimately acquainted with every single Russian intelligence asset in north and South America, active and inactive, and you, dear, are not one of them. Which begs the question, why you're masquerading as such when you and I both know you are no such thing? I came here to protect myself, to get your help, because our interests are aligned. Your country and i have been blamed for crimes we did not commit. It was committed by a global consortium, and known in some quarters as the cabal. What are their objectives? To reignite the cold war between Russia and the United States. And to what end? I will tell you everything that I know after I've been guaranteed, in writing, diplomatic immunity. How do I know that you're not working for the cabal? How do I know that you're not here posing as a victim to gain safe passage away from the FBI? The Russian assassin. The one known as karakurt. Never heard of him. He's been turned. The cabal framed me. Who better than the daughter of a kgb agent? Hmm. Katarina rostova. A kgb agent was turned, but it wasn't me, it was karakurt. He's gone. Check. And when you've confirmed he's missing, draw up my immunity agreement. (Indistinct radio chatter) Did we get the breach order? Negative. The Russians are denying the state department's request. They're not going to turn her in. Is the white house involved? Or are they gonna make the call? We've been ordered to stand down. They're harboring a terrorist. The state department has been very clear. They want this handled diplomatically. Hold your positions. My superiors are willing to hear you out. If they believe you, they will do what they can to help. But not here. You're being transferred to moscow for debriefing. Don't you see that's playing right into the cabal's narrative? The minute I leave U.S. soil, my government will interpret that as a defection. I have delivered our decision. Choose, agent keen. Moscow, or you can take your chances with your compatriots outside. (Speaking Russian) Where's my wedding ring? Bedside table. Behind the Ben wa balls. You... Me. And I was so riveted by her interview with those identical triplets from Milwaukee. (Speaks Russian) Agent keen is leaving the embassy. She's been arrested? The kremlin has ordered her transfer to moscow. Who in the kremlin? It was authorized by the federal tariff service, of all things. Vitsin. (Indistinct radio chatter) They're here. (Speaking Russian) The package is in transit. Excellent. See agent keen to the airport. Our people on the plane will take it from there. (Engine turns over) Samar: Ressler. Ressler, don't. If you're gonna tell me that diplomatic vehicles have the same protection as the embassy... You know they do. As long as she's inside that car, she's on Russian soil. You can't touch her. (Speaks Russian) I can't let her go. Samar: Ressler! I know you're angry, so am I. But how we feel is not important. Taking her into custody is. We're doing everything we can. Are we? Really? Within the law. Yes, really. (Cellphone rings) Ressler. Reddington: Donald. You cannot let agent keen leave the embassy. Oh, you want a favor? How about you come down here and ask in person? Her life depends on it. 'Cause I'd be more inclined to help if I had you in cuffs. You cannot let her leave. Preaching to the choir, 'cause she's already gone. I received direct confirmation from the Russian ambassador that agent keen's transfer was authorized by a high-level apparatchik in the federal tariff service, a man named Vladimir vitsin. Vitsin... Yes, the same man who signed the paperwork facilitating karakurt's entry into the United States. He's an operative for the cabal. Any move he makes is in service to their agenda. They're not transporting agent keen to moscow for debriefing. The second she gets on that plane... She's dead. You need to stop that convoy. (Helicopter whirring) (Tires screeching) (Horn honks) (Speaks Russian) (Man grunts) (Gunshots) Keen! (Siren wailing in distance) (Dialing) (Line rings) (Beeps) 1425 peabody. It's the best I could do, full pension and benefits. If I resign? Yes. Effective immediately. In return, all charges against you will be dropped. Agent keen. Have you found her? I can't discuss that with you. Have you found karakurt? He's the terrorist. Not her. I took your case as far as the white house. I talked to Laurel hitchen. She's a friend. She had to pull a lot of strings to get you this deal. I appreciate what you've done, reven. I do. But I... These are serious charges, Harold. You could go to jail. Take the deal. For you, and for charlene. Take it and move on. If you accept the terms, Harold, they'll drop the investigation. If you refuse to play ball, pending the outcome, you'll be reassigned, paper pushing at the cjls. Cubicle. Potted plant. A dead end, Harold. You are better than that. Yes, I am. You really want to do this? No. What I want to do is help. Man: You think I'm stupid, carly? You think I don't know what's going on? Carly: Nothing is going on. What are you looking at, old man? (Bell jingles) You all right? No, I am not all right. Ressler tried to kill me. Seeking asylum from the Russians was a dangerous decision. I was out of options. At least I would have been secure in moscow right now. If by "secure" you mean dead, then yes, absolutely. Ressler wasn't trying to kill you. He was trying to save you. The convoy was compromised. You want, we got a few specials. The best item on the menu is the pecan pie, right, chui? Family recipe. I'll just have coffee. Thanks. You know him? We're safe here? You threw yourself in the hands of the cabal the moment you got on that vehicle. The only question was whether they'd kill you before or after you entered Russian airspace. Ow, Clayton, please, you're hurting me. (Groans) No. You deaf, old man? I told you to mind your own business. Turn around, bitch. Carly: Clayton. (Sighs) Clayton: Oh, here we go. Carly... What the hell? You're looking to get yourself killed? You haven't the slightest clue how to speak to a woman, have you? Now, my friend there and I are having a very important discussion, so you just sit tight, enjoy your muffin. And if I hear you say anything other than "please" or "thank you" to carly, I'm going to drag you into the men's room and wash your mouth out with soap. And if that doesn't work, I'll cut your filthy tongue out with that butter knife. Is that clear enough for you? Agent ressler, what part of "stand down" don't you understand? I was ordered to let keen go, and I did. I wasn't ordered to let her die. The transport was compromised. Says who? Reddington. You spoke to him? Yes, he called. Said that the cabal had hijacked keen. You countermanded a direct order and attacked a diplomatic transport on the word of one fugitive in order to save the life of another? And I'm willing to resign from the task force if the intel reddington gave us is wrong. The driver has been hospitalized. As soon as he can be questioned, we can confirm reddington's information. Okay. We've got a sighting. Del Rio diner, 1425 peabody street. (Exhales sharply) Come on, pull it together. An mpdc cruiser just pulled up out back. What are you... (Officers shout) Behind the car! Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm and take your seats. Clayton. Liz: Now what? Now? I apologize. I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but it appears we'll all be taking an extended lunch. However, if you remain calm and do exactly as I say, I promise you'll leave here with a rip-roaring story to tell your friends and families. Bon appetit! (Phone rings) Dear, would you mind answering that phone? No doubt it's for me. (Monitor beeping) Oh, I'm sorry. Did I disturb you? They said you were sedated. Well, you know what they say, "you can't keep a good man down." Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before the FBI pays you a visit, and we can't have that. 'Cause you are what is commonly referred to as a loose end. Now, you should take heart, because if the Russians are furious now, imagine how irate they'll be when they learn that there's been another fatality as a result of agent ressler's attack on your convoy. If it's any consolation, your heroic devotion to our cause has earned you my most sincere respect. Godspeed, sir. Godspeed. (Muffled grunts) (Monitor beeping rapidly) (Flat-lines) (Indistinct radio chatter) Ressler: What have you got? We cut the power to the building, commandeered the phone lines. Both suspects are still inside. "Both suspects?" Agent keen and Raymond reddington. Keen? We believe so, but he's got the hostages positioned as human shields. Can't get a clear view inside. Well, then, let's find out. What are you doing? Hold fire. Ressler: Keen. Keen? Ah. Agent ressler, excellent. Do you have a pen? Because I'm ready to dictate a list of my demands. I owe you, keen. You saved my life back at that convoy. Now let me return the favor. Come out before this gets bad. It's already gone bad and you're making it worse. If you wanna repay me, do what reddington says before somebody else gets hurt. That's not gonna happen and you know it. This scene's locked down. There's nowhere to go and you got zero leverage, 'cause I know you. I know what you're capable of. And you're not gonna hurt these people. She won't, but I will. Ready? My demands are as follows. One, I want the immediate restoration of power to this building. Two, an armored vehicle to transport us safely and unmolested from this door to a runway of my choosing. Three, bring me Marvin Gerard. You have 90 minutes. That's it? After that, a hostage dies every half hour. That's it, agent ressler. Ressler: Marvin Gerard. Graduatedmagnacumlaude fromHarvard where,atthetender ageof31 , hewasappointedthe third youngestfullProfessor intheinstitution'shistory. He served as a prosecutor for three years, state of New York. Later, joined his father-in-law's criminal defense firm as a full partner. He was on the short list for an appointment to the federal bench when his marriage to the boss' daughter hit the skids. He serves a year for attempting to kidnap their son. Gets disbarred. Currently, he's incarcerated for seven to ten at the cumberland fci. Although he's been disbarred, Gerard acts as shadow counsel to some of the biggest players in the criminal underworld, politicians, CEOs, and one Raymond reddington. Marvin Gerard? Who are you? What am I doing here? I am special agent samar navabi. You've been briefed? Rousted out of bed, cavity-searched, shackled, transported like livestock? Yes. Briefed? No. One of your former clients is holding 17 civilians hostage in that diner. He's demanded that we bring you here. Which one? Raymond reddington. I have nothing to do with this. I don't know what he wants from me. I am not going in there. Well, you are going in. If you could please disrobe. Like hell. Call my lawyer. Who's your o.I.C.? That would be me. Gentlemen, help Mr. Gerard out of his, uh, jumpsuit. This will never work. If he asks me, I'm gonna have to tell him I'm wearing a wire. It'd be unethical for me to lie to my client. Let the record reflect that i am complying under duress and that my fourth amendment right to privacy is being violated. As is my right not to be nauseated. Per reddington's demands. Unbelievable. I'll get that, dear. The first table over there. (Pouring coffee) (Softly) This is not working. Lizzy, please. Take a seat. I'll have chui bring you a piece of pie. I promise, you'll thank me. Cut it out. A lawyer? How is that gonna help us with this? Lawyers find and exploit loopholes. It's what makes them so loathsome. And Marvin Gerard is the most loathsome of them all. Major Ross. Enter. I am sorry. My faith is... everything. Being barred from attending chapel... too much for me, I am afraid. I am... truly sorry. Thank you. Now... ~ Mrs Johnson not here? ~ No. How is the church coming along? ~ Oh, we have abandoned it. ~ Oh? ~ It is impossible for just the two of us. ~ Will the convicts not help? The Governor will not allow it. Their normal work exhausts them, he says. To do more would kill them. My men do not work. They could build it. And in return? Nothing. Well, the satisfaction of having done something for the faith, huge reward in itself, but apart from that... .. nothing. Thank you. Katherine McVitie. You were right there as well. Forcing myself on her was wrong. It will not happen again. Thank you. But may I still entertain her? Fully clothed, no sex. Would you give your blessing to that? ~ When will your men start on the church? ~ Immediately. Then, yes, you have my blessing. ~ Are the four of them here? ~ Yes. You see them? I feel them. Would you like to say something to them? What would you like to say? I'm sorry... for letting you die. They have never blamed you. In London... .. we lived amongst prostitutes. Ugly, foul-mouthed, drunken, screeching whoredom. But they could... .. give birth... .. breast-feed, nurse, mother... .. whilst I... You gave only two of them names? Yes. Would you like to name the other two? The boy would have been Thomas, after my husband's father. And the girl? Joan. After my mother. I am in touch with two worlds, Mrs Johnson - those who have passed on and those who are unborn. There is a soul there waiting for you to give birth to it. ~ It will die. ~ Perhaps. But we are in New South Wales, upside down. What dies in England might thrive here. Yes? Yes. ♪ Oh, Tommy, my dear ♪ I'd like to wed you ♪ Oh, Tommy, my dear ♪ I'd like to bed you ♪ Smiled a reply ♪ Don't think I misled you... ♪ And again. ~ Give me the other. ~ Is it true? You tried to kill yourself rather than...? Yes. I can smell the sea. I went to Minehead... .. a boarding school. It produces... good soldiers, good sailors. My father went there and his father. There was a boy in my class called Carrington. I think there was something wrong with him, something amiss, for he hardly spoke. One day... .. Dobson... punched him. And when punched by Dobson, you... you went down and you stayed down, otherwise he'd kill you. But, er... .. Carrington did not go down. I'll never forget the look on his face. Horror... .. and confusion. Horrified that Dobson was doing this to him and... .. utterly confused as to why. I think it was that, the horror and confusion, that stopped him doing what any other boy would do, go down... stay down. So... Dobson goes on punching. I run for a teacher. "Sir. "Sir, there is a fight in Alpha Yard." He... .. dawdles back towards Alpha. I want him to run because Dobson is still punching Carrington, but he... dawdles. And we get there. He shouts. At last, Dobson can stop punching. Then that teacher... .. tells Dobson and... Carrington and... every other boy in that playground... .."It was Ross here who grassed on you." There have been many times since then that I have felt the urge to show compassion, I've always managed to resist it. What is that? Cicadas, I think. They're small but there are millions of them. Hence the noise. Make love to me. What? Make love to me? We agreed not to. I don't care what we agreed. Make love to me. And if you get pregnant? I want to get pregnant. And go through all that again? ! No, we will never again see you in such pain. It will not die. ~ They have all died. ~ This one will not. How can you know that? Because... .. this... is an upside-down world, what dies in England will thrive here. ~ That is nonsense. ~ It is not! Make love to me. May I go now? If you wish. There is some... rice on the desk. Thank you. I used to go to confession at Saint Cecilia's. There was a statue of the Virgin Mary there and I would look up at her as I said my penance. She wobbled. The truer my confession, the more contrite, the more she wobbled. Good night. Good night. Do you want to go down to the sea? He kept his word. We just talked. Some rice. I will do it. Did he make you undress? No. What did he say? He told me about when he was at school. And you? I listened. You did not speak? No. I just listened. What did he say about when he was at school? He told me a story. He tried to help a boy, but it all went wrong. What? I would sooner you had... No... Jefferson! We...we thought you were dead! Freeman... Freeman! Freeman! Did you follow the smell of the meat? The natives call it kangaroo. Come and share it with us. How long has it been since you ate and drank, eh? I know what you are thinking. You will come back at night... .. and you will rob us! You know there's no water for miles, Freeman. The river shows itself here, disappears again. Freeman! I will smoke you out! That's how the natives catch a kangaroo. They set the bush alight, kangaroo comes running from the fire straight on the natives' spears. Show yourself or burn! Freeman! Freeman! Hello, Stubbins. Captain. You are our blacksmith now? Afraid so. Mr Molloy told me about that lovely letter from your wife. ~ Yeah? ~ Do you think I might read it? It came the day before we left England. I was in despair, I felt abandoned. I prayed to Christ. You know, cos he felt the same when he was hanging on the cross. "Oh, why, my Father, hast Thou forsaken me?" And no sooner did I finish praying, than my prayer was answered with that letter. It's lovely. Thank you. I could keep it in my file, look after it for you. I... like to carry it around with me. Thank you. You are busy. ~ Yes. ~ Much busier than when you were simply working the land. ~ Yes. ~ So you might want to... forget learning to read right now? ~ Why? ~ Well, cos your work here is so important and you have so much of it, where will you find the time for anything else? I'll find the time. Captain Collins, I dream of writing a letter, in my own words, telling my darling wife how much I miss her and how much I long to hold her in my arms once more. Now, as dreams go, it's a modest one, Captain Collins, but, by God, it fires me! Very well. I shall, erm... I'll see you later for another lesson. Thank you, Captain. Thou art Peter and upon this rock I shall build my church! The drought of March has pierced unto the root. And bathed each vein with liquor that has power to generate therein and sire the flower... ~ Four. ~ Four. Where's the other one? ~ You have it. ~ No, I do not. ~ You have it. You do. You do, you do. ~ No, I do not. No. Hands! Hands! Hands! Hands! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ooh, hang on. Ah. ~ Aha! ~ Yes? ~ Oh-h. I think... I might have... found something up here. Oh. Oh. How did you do that? ! ~ How could you possibly do that? ! ~ Hmm? ~ James! ~ Freeman! ~ James! Fool! You bloody fool! They will hang you for this! Water! Someone bring this man some water! James? ! James? James? Get a move on! It is true, then, he's back. I missed you too much, Major. ~ You told me you shot him. ~ Yes, sir. ~ Pints and pints and pints of blood. ~ Yes, sir. ~ We will discuss this later. ~ Sir. Give me that. Go and fuck yourself. Give me it. What can you do to me? Apart from that? ~ Who gave him it? ~ We did. He's a dead man. You do not waste food on a dead man. ~ My men did not wound you in any way? ~ Not even close. You will tell the Governor that their shots whistled past your ear. Promise me. Swear by Almighty God that you will tell him that and you may eat. I swear by Almighty God... .. that I will tell the Governor that their shots whistled past my ear. Which ear incidentally? Let us see how funny you are... with a rope around your neck. Did you eat in the bush? ~ No, boss. ~ Drink? Yes, boss, but it was bad, gave me diarrhoea. So how did you do it? ~ Sorry, boss? ~ How did you kill the blacksmith? ~ I coshed him. ~ And where did you get the cosh? I made it, Governor. I put pebbles in a canvas bag. ~ Someone helped you. ~ No, Governor. ~ Who was it? ~ No-one... helped me. The scaffold is a lonely place, you'll want company. So tell me now, who helped you? No-one. ~ Tommy Barrett? ~ No... boss. You were not wounded in the escape? No, boss. Their shots... whistled past my ear, but none hit me. You will hang just before dawn. Any objections? ~ I object! ~ Oh, I'm sure you do. ~ Sadly, it does not... ~ I acted in self-defence. He was stealing my food, starving me to death. I tried to reason with him, that failed. I tried to fight him, that failed. I even tried grassing on him and that failed because you refused to act! ~ What else could I do? ! ~ We cannot have convicts ~ taking the law into their own hands. ~ There was no law! You put the blacksmith above it! I'm sorry... .. you have killed a man and you must hang for it. Take him away. I will haunt you. I will come back and haunt you, I swear to it. I will haunt you! I will haunt you all to the grave! ~ Who will hang him? ~ I will. No, it is a non-military matter, a civilian must hang him. A fellow convict. Will we find one? One? Hundreds. They'd hang their mothers for a tot of rum. I meant what I said about keeping the law here... bright and shiny. I want us all to obey the law because we respect the law. But it is too soon for that. Respect has to be earned over a long period of time. Till then, we have to make do with fear of the law. Fear requires a hangman. Who will do it? Who will be our hangman? What do you think will happen here? Please. There'll be a bloodbath. Not enough women, not enough food, men will turn on each other. And that is why we need a hangman. ~ Yes. ~ Will you do it? ~ I couldn't harm a fly. ~ I know. Then how would you expect me to hang a man? And being the hangman, you are maintaining law and order. There are those who will hate you for it. Fools, scoundrels, they will wish you harm. They will not do you harm however. You will have an armed guard with you wherever you go, whatever you do, sleeping, waking, eating, an armed soldier with you at all times. No-one will be more secure than our hangman. So step forward. What will happen to the hangman? Someone will cut his throat. Yes. Unless he is a man who deserves sympathy and respect. A man who finds it almost impossible to hang a man, a man who is sick each time he has to do it. A man who finds it so repellent he can be doing it only because... .. we need him to do it. A hangman such as that would be allowed to live. But I am not that kind of man. The hangman will be entitled to extra food. Extra pork... even. And that is not a bribe, that is simply our way of keeping him fit and well, because we do not want him to die on us and make us go through all this again. So extra pork for the hangman. A tot of rum as well. ~ Someone has to do it. ~ Yes. ~ You agree? ~ Yes. And you have stood there, you felt the noose around your neck, ~ you know what it is like. ~ Yes. ~ And you have principles. You have shown yourself prepared to die for them. No-one would say, "Tommy Barrett is doing it for the extra piece of pork." They would say, "Tommy Barrett is doing it because it has to be done." ~ Tommy Barrett is not doing it. ~ You're the only man who can, Tommy, because you are truly Christ-like. I am NOT Christ-like! Believe me! I have done some terrible, terrible things in my life, Reverend, and I am not Christ-like! Who should do it, then? Go to hell, Reverend. I have the power to reduce your sentences. If you are doing fourteen years, I will reduce it to seven. If seven, I will bring it down to three and a half. As soon as you volunteer, Captain Collins will find your file and we will cut your time in half. The second thing is this... .. you might be too embarrassed to step forward in front of your friends. If so... come to Captain Collins' tent and volunteer there. In secrecy. Total secrecy. No hangman, no law. No. Hmm. They will not inform on anyone and they will not hang anyone. On those two points, huge integrity. If you could take that integrity and apply it elsewhere, to other aspects of their lives... .. this colony would thrive. I'm not sure it is integrity, Governor. ~ No? ~ No. If they inform, if they hang someone, they get their throats cut. ~ It's as simple as that. ~ You think so? ~ Yes. Whenever I am impressed by a convict, a... noble deed, a generous gesture, I come back here and I look at his file. And his file, and this has always been the truth up to now, Governor, his file reminds me that he is incapable of nobility or generosity. And that whatever he did that so impressed me, he did for his own ends. Hmm. Do not read them, then. Do you think... .. anyone will come? No, sir. ~ Is he in? ~ Yes. And he's expecting you, Sergeant. Sergeant Timmins, sir. Sir. The shots we heard, they were fired into the air, yes? ~ Yes, sir. ~ You disobeyed my direct order. I knew that Freeman would die in the bush, sir, or come back here and hang. ~ I saw no need to pursue him. ~ You saw no need? ! ~ He was a dead man, sir. ~ Why pursue a dead man if it puts the living at risk? ~ At risk of what? ~ Attack by natives, sir. ~ You were armed to the teeth! ~ Permission to speak freely, sir. ~ Granted. When we came ashore, you promised the men you'd get them all home safe and sound. Your... good sense would make up for the Governor's misjudgment. I made a similar promise, only my good sense would make up for your misjudgment, sir. ~ My misjudg... my misjudgment? ! ~ You gave me permission to speak freely, sir. Being armed to the teeth will not help you in the bush, sir. The natives have never seen what guns can do, so they do not fear them. You go into the bush with dozens of men or you do not go at all. I order you to flog a whore and you do so only with great reluctance. ~ Sir... ~ I tell you that the next time you hesitate to obey an order of mine, I will have you shot. You obviously think it an idle threat, because now this outright disobedience. ~ I do not think it an idle threat, sir. ~ So you do expect to be shot? Yes, sir. Is there anything you can say that might dissuade me? Only this, sir. I solemnly swear... I will never again disobey your order, sir. What if, once again, you think it "a misjudgment"? I will obey... .. no matter what. I will hold you to that. And Jean is your wife? Sister. I have no wife. ~ Dear Jean... ~ Dearest. Dearest Jean... I am to hang just before dawn... What is it? I've written many letters for men about to hang. Tommy Barrett was the last as a matter of fact. And they all want to start like that. ~ And that is wrong? ~ I think so. She will get this letter six months from now, at the earliest. You'll be long dead. She will think about the way that you died. Hood over your head, noose around your neck, and your fear... your terror. It will haunt her for the rest of her days. Far better for her to think that you simply slipped away. ~ Yes. ~ With the fever perhaps. Hmm. Dearest Jean... ~ .. I have the fever. ~ Good man. They have a hangman? ~ So they say. ~ Who? ~ I do not know. ~ He's a dead man whoever he is. I had this coming. Yes. A few nights ago, you see, Tommy was here, I was there. My best friend was about to hang and I did not want him to hang. I can say that with total honesty, but I did think that if Tommy hanged, it would not be all bad news because... .. you would be free. Because of our friendship, you might say yes to being my woman. Not right away, not while you grieve for Tommy, but eventually perhaps. And that would be a dream come true... .. because I think you are beautiful. And strong. Principled. Hmm. And generous and just... .. just wonderful! Thank you. May I kiss you? Yes. May I? Yes. Open. ~ Major, give him your gun. ~ Gun. Move. Hands. He found the Garden of Eden, boss. Hundreds of acres of thick, green grass. No rocks, no trees, perfect for farmland. ~ Spare him and he will take you to it. ~ And he has kept that secret until now? Say goodbye to your friends, Freeman. ~ We're coming with him, Governor. ~ No, you're not. ~ Keep them here. ~ Sir. ~ Say your goodbyes. Take my food. ~ Let us go. ~ Move! Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come... Who is hanging me? I am. ~ Give us this day our daily bread... ~ I saw Jefferson, boss. The Garden of Eden and Jefferson? ~ I did not see the Garden of Eden, boss, but I saw Jefferson. ~ Where? In a clearing in the jungle. A huge country such as this and you just happened to bump into each other. I followed a dried-up river in the hope that it would lead me to water. ~ I saw smoke, I followed it and I found Jefferson. ~ I am sure you did. ~ Yes, I could take you to him. ~ He is dead, Freeman. You will be with him very shortly. Oh! No! ..with the Lord is plenteous redemption. Goodbye, Freeman. ~ The fires of hell... ~ You want to live? ~ Yes! ~ What? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! What would you do to live? Anything. Would you be our hangman? Whomever we tell you to hang, you hang. If you do not do it, we hang you. Do you understand? ~ Yes. ~ Do you agree? Yes. Free this man. What now? You can go. ~ I can just leave? ~ Yes. Flog me. They will all know I have done a deal. No. Tobacco... for the hangman. Previously on Chasing Life I want to be friends with Dominic. Is that a problem? I don't have a problem if I don't have anything to worry about. - Do I? - What happened? According to her, I'm still in love with April. It's not true, though, and it's not like she's available, anyway. - We have a match. - Finally! The sick kid, his name's Finn. He has cancer and only one leg. -Hi. -Not to speak ill of the dead, but Thomas Carver, the year before he died, he was blowing money, drinking. The guy had demons even I find dark. You know what? Screw my dad. I'm gonna write a book. Oh, writing my book was easy. I stared at a blinking cursor for six, seven hours a night until I was convinced I was a total fraud, and then I started typing. Well, I've got the fear and insecurity parts down for sure. Wait until people actually start reading your book, it's terrifying... And thrilling. I'm so excited. Writing a novel is something I never thought I could or would do, kind of like owning your own house. That's such a big deal! I wanna see it! Well, you can. I'll warn you... it's a dump, but I'll make a home out of it... Some day. So, any thought on what your debut is gonna be about? Mmm, I have three or four ideas I've been kicking around for a while. Honestly, I just... whatever I write, I want it to have a real shot at getting published. You know, I could talk to my agent, Nina, about it. You guys could sit down, talk about the publishing market. Really? You think she'd meet with me? Come on! The smart and talented daughter of a famous best-selling author? - Mmm. - It's a no-brainer. You know, when you say it, I kind of believe it a little. Seriously. Hey, thank you. It's nothing. You're a catch... - For a literary agent. - Right. I know she's heading back to New York for publisher meetings in a couple of days, so you should plan on meeting maybe tomorrow. Yeah, I can make myself available. Could this day get any better? April Carver, there are but a few major milestones in ever woman's life which forever shape and define her legacy, and you, my friend, have officially come upon one of yours. For the time has now come to plan... Your bachelorette party! Yes! Yes! I have been so focused on the wedding part of the wedding, that I totally forgot I get a bachelorette party! We both did. How did we forget about a night full of male strippers? Okay, strippers are great... - Yeah. - But... wild idea... What if we did something that could include my mom and grandma. It's my last week at home, and I just wanna show them that even though I'm moving out, they're still a huge part of this next phase of my life. Fine. If you want your party to be mom and grandma friendly, then that's what we'll do. What about we go out for a classy wine-tasting at Sip maybe, then have a nice dinner out afterwards? What about Brenna? She'll be so bummed to be left out. Oh no, I already talked to her. She totally gets that a bachelorette party that isn't 21-plus doesn't really count, so she's sitting this one out for the greater good. So, it's settled. April's bachelorette party, a classy affair. Oh God. I just don't know what I'm going to do with all these novelty cake pans now. Oh my. This is... Girthy. April's bachelorette party is tomorrow night and I'm not allowed to go, so... I'm just gonna be sitting at home, all night, all by myself. - I'm so happy for you. - I know, right? A whole night off from April's wedding. I can just watch TV, eat junk food, and not have to watch YouTube videos that teach you how to curl a ribbon. Yo, I'm in. So, I'm guessing still no public school friends? No, not yet. I mean, I talked to this one guy, he has lymphoma. Of course, you can't make a normal friend. Finn is normal. He's just sick. I feel bad for him. He has to make this mask all the time. You should invite him over. I love a man in a mask. We're not even real friends yet, and I don't really know if that's the best idea. How could finally making a friend not be the best idea? Because when I look at Finn, I can't help it... all I see is cancer. And because of April, there's this part of me that feels like I have to take care of him. But school's supposed to be the one place where I'm not worrying about someone with cancer. I guess, but on the other hand, new girl, - beggars can't be choosers. - Maybe you're right. Maybe you'd be more popular if you stopped eating those gross pickle chips. Shut up. They're delicious. - You can have one. - No. They're so good. I'm sorry. I've been wracking my brain, but nothing from dad's last year stands out to me. Well, Edwin said he completely changed. You sure you didn't notice anything? I mean, that was three years ago. I remember him traveling a lot who was traveling? Mom... Natalie found a manuscript that dad was working on when he died, and it's brought up... A lot of questions from his last year. - He was probably going... - Oh, stop. You dad's past is a door I just... I don't feel the need to open again. This is April's last week at home. I just want to enjoy this time with my wonderful daughters. Okay. Most improved." - From the gymnastics coach. - Oh wow. "Most improved" is basically just saying you sucked less by the end of it. - So... - Aww. - You worked so hard. - Did I? Mmm. I can't believe it. Your last week at home. Leo and I will be close by. I know, I know, it's just gonna take some getting used to... Not having dinner with you every night, not hearing you two fight over the bathroom. I'll miss just seeing you wake up in the morning. - Mom, stop. - No, lookit. I know I've been spoiled having you here as long as I have. You know, when we packed you up for college, I never thought you'd be living here again. And I never could have guessed that when you did move out, it was because you were gonna get married. I never could've guessed a lot of things about my life right now, but there are so many things happening that I am excited about. I am getting married. I've got an amazing honeymoon planned in Italy, I might write a book. And don't ever call me again! It's been a pleasure... getting to know you ladies. Well, Sam and I broke up. Mom, what happened? Well, we wanted different things and we couldn't work it out. -What kind of things? -None of your business kind of things. I'm fine! He's a tool, and I'm moving on. I was so sorry to hear about your father. He was one of Boston's best writers, and he must've been a great man. Well, I think you guys are great, and what you've done for Dominic is so impressive. Dom is a natural talent, and he says the same about you. Well, that's a lot to live up to, but I'm psyched to try. And I'm psyched to hear what you're thinking about. Okay, well, I have been brainstorming this one idea. It was actually inspired by a piece I was researching for the Post. It's about a missing woman and her husband... The market's pretty flooded with "gone girls" right now. I have this other idea that I really like. It's about these two adult sisters, and it's their dad's wedding day... April, I'm gonna stop you right there. I haven't had much luck selling chick-lit writers. Umm, I have this futuristic love story idea - I think is promising. - Futuristic? I know it sounds a little young adult-ish, but the story could be really compelling. - Y.A. Is a great idea for you. - Really? It's an evergreen market, but more importantly, that kind of debut novel from you could be positioned as a young adult Keys. You think people would be interested in it? I think the New York publishing houses would. If you could work on this full-time, it's possible we could have a book on shelves in three years, maybe even two. - Two or three years? - Mm-hmm. I guess... With my dad, it just seemed like he always had a book coming out. He's an established author. I would love to work with you, April. I have to head back home early next week, so if you want to get started, we should probably meet again before I leave to make some plans. What do you think? Two or three years? Do I have two or three years? I mean, let's be real. This could be my only book. This could be what I leave behind. How am I supposed to make a decision on what to write with that kind of pressure? I know she's sick, but she's intense. I love it. Perfect for you. Frankie, what did we say about unfiltered honesty? Well, some things never change. Sorry. You don't need to apologize for anything. Leo told me all about how you two fell out of touch, but you were the first person he thought of when it came to his best man. Though by best man, I wasn't expecting the most beautiful person ever. You should've seen her in her awkward stages. Oh, you wanna talk about awkward stages? -Well, I've got plenty of awkward... -I want those stories. Okay, well, we should focus on the most pertinent topic at hand, April's book. The solution to which seems quite clear... - Do what the agent says. - You think? When you look at decisions like this as life or death, of course they're paralyzing. So stop! You want to be a published author. This agent can get that for you. So go write your young adult masterpiece, and get the enduring fame and social media bragging rights that come along with it. Yeah, and when your book's successful, Leo can finally be the useless trophy husband he was always destined to be. Another fantastic point. Well, if I want to get published, this is the way to do it. There you go! Now, get to work. No more stalling. Oh, something else came up. We need another band for the wedding. - Classic stalling tactic. - No, I'm serious. The band called. They double-booked, so they canceled on us. Okay. Well, fine. -Frankie and I will find a band. -Yeah. And you focus on writing your book. All right? Now write! Write like the wind. Write! Bunch of us are going to a party at Taylor's tonight. Can you make it? No, I still can't be out in public like that. - Germs and stuff. - That bites, man. - Maybe next time. - Yeah. Maybe. So, going to school is the only thing you're allowed to do? That's a bummer. Yeah, well, I'm happy to be out of my boring, sterile house. Doctor's think I'm already taking a risk being back in school this fast, but what can I say? This is the face of a rebel. Are you neutropenic? Yeah, I am, and how do you know what that is? My sister has leukemia. I know more about cancer at 17 than I ever thought I would. Yeah, me too. Hey, you should come over tonight. Everyone's gonna be out of the house except for me and my friend, and because of my sister, the house is totally sterile. Yeah. Yeah, I... I think I can do that. - Cool. - Yeah, very cool. Thanks. You look stunning. Stop. You promised you wouldn't get emotional. So, how do we even find a wedding band? - Do we put up fliers? - One wedding band." Do you remember that time sophomore year we tried to start a cover band? It was one of the dumbest things we ever did. Speaking of dumb things that we did, remember that time that you emailed me that you had cancer and I never heard from you again? Oh, by the way, I have something for you. Ow! Dude! Did you really think that after years of radio silence, that I would just hop on a plane, come and be your best man, and never bring this up? You were a real douche to me. Okay, well, look, I was to everyone. Since when was I everyone? My best friend was dying and you wouldn't even give me the time of day. I know. I... Did a lot of stupid things when I was sick. But I'm not like that anymore. I've changed. I have. And if there's any silver lining to what grew in my head, it's that. I mean... Do you really believe someone as smart, and... beautiful, and wonderfully weird as that girl you just met, would marry the old me? Yeah. Yeah, well, before she wises up and leaves your butt at the altar, we should probably do what you promised we'd do. Yes! To the Internet! Let's see here. All right, "wedding bands." And there are a hundred pictures of gold rings. - Hmm. - We're screwed. I cant believe you're a homeowner. This place is incredible. I'm so impressed. I heard Nina was impressed. She emailed me about you today. Well, she was great, and I've already started outlining an idea that she likes. Wow. Sounds like this is coming together pretty fast. This may be the only book I ever get to write. I wanna leave behind something important. Yeah, I can't imagine the pressure you must feel, and publishing a book is definitely a way to leave something behind. Try not to think so much about the market. What matters is that what you leave behind is important to you. Sorry. It's probably Leo. Our wedding band backed out. 'Cause the wedding, the book, and the bachelorette party weren't enough. I don't feel like I'm helping you with the book dilemma, but maybe I can help you with something else. - Hey. - Hey. -Hi. -Oh, hey, Dominic is getting us a band, -and a really good one. -Oh, I don't know who this Dominic is, -but he might be my new best friend. -Hold up. That's very sweet of Dom, but Frankie and I have the band situation covered. That is so not even the slightest bit, remotely true. Well, he knows this band personally and they don't normally do weddings, but he thinks that they'll do it as a favor. He's gonna ask them at their show tonight. Isn't band procurement traditionally the role of the groom? - Um, did he make that up? - Umm... -Yeah, I think he made that up. No, that's not a thing. -Hm-mmm. Okay, well, just give us more time, okay? 'Cause Frankie and I, we've got some... Solid leads. - Babe. - Yeah. I just want music, so I can dance with you at our wedding. Who cares who books the band? All right, well, I'll go to the show tonight. It's our wedding. One of us should be there. And since you're at your bachelorette party, Frankie and I will go and make sure that the band is right for us. - Okay, if you really want to. - Of course we do! I'll text Dom and let him know you'll meet him there. Yay! Yeah, and when Gabe came to pick me up, he came right to the door. He didn't just text and say he was outside. - Aww. - Give it time. She's just going through a bit of a breakup. Men act like they're all in, but when things get tough, they're outta there. - Amen, sister. - I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I'm crashing. You're not crashing. Meg said she might bring you. And I'm... so glad she did. Oh, guys, this is Meg and Vanessa. -Hey. -Sorry you guys missed the wine-tasting. We tasted some oaky wines. An hour and a half with a sommelier, and still the only wine term Beth knows is "oaky." It's true. Let's get you caught up, though. - Alcohol, stat! - Yes! Something oaky coming right up! Isn't it so amazing that Leo and April are getting married? You know, when April was a little girl, she did vow to marry Leo, but at the time, she meant Leo DiCaprio. --I never would've let him freeze in the ocean. Yeah, but did you want to marry Leo or Jack? Definitely Jack. See? See? Fictional character crushes are always better than the actors. I mean, Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge - was my sexual awakening. - Mmm. I dated a guy who was only into fictional characters, - and it didn't last long... - Aw. Even with the dressing up. - You're going to embarrass me, aren't you? - I'm... I had a thing for Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything." You mean with the trench coat and the boom box? Yes! He was so romantic in that movie, and he was so sexy. Thomas took me to see it, and that night afterwards, we had the best... Dinner. - Mom! - Oh my God! I'm not impressed. You? You would be lucky to get these guys to play at your wedding. So, is there some sort of history between this Dominic and April? - Maybe. - I knew it! You're jealous. And a hypocrite, 'cause April seems to have no problem with the fact that you and I used to date. Okay, I really don't think that unfortunate week in sixth grade really compares here. It is not just because Dominic used to date April. It's also because he's... earnest and ingratiating. He's like a greeting card with dimples. Hey. Hey, you must be Frankie. - Hey. - Dominic. - Great band. - Yeah, amazing sound. -Want me to see if they'll do your wedding? -I don't know. -Still mulling. -You don't like 'em, no worries. But if you do, I should talk to them soon. Gonna grab us another round from backstage. Think about it. So, what happened to "cancer made me a nice guy"? It did. Just... to everyone but him. The guy is trying to do you a favor, and you're treating him like crap. You won, okay? April is marrying you. Now Dominic is her friend, so you can either engage in this lame pissing contest forever, or you can try and suck it up and be the better man that you've claimed you've become. So you normally wear a mask? Yeah, when I'm in an uncontrolled environment. Or if I want to play Zorro. Um... Finn, if you want any snacks, - those are all neutropenic. - I'm okay. Thanks. Hypothetically, let's say you want to make out with someone. - Is there a secret opening? - Ford! Well, making out really isn't on the table. The whole "uncontrolled environment" thing, but luckily I'm not swimming in offers. I'll make out with you. Ford, he just said that he can't make out! What is wrong with you? Um, maybe... maybe I should... maybe I should go. Why? Are you tired. If you're tired, you can lie down. No, I'm not tired, I just... I thought, because of your sister, you wouldn't act weird around me, but you're treating me like some cancer patient. I'm... I'm sorry, but you are a cancer patient. And I know, because of April, how things can be bad for you. - It just makes me anxious. - Well, if I make you so anxious, then why did you invite me? Because you have cancer and I feel bad for you. I'm... I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean that. I... Hey, Ford, you wanna make out? Yeah! Yes. Well, you have been on exceptionally good behavior. Did Meg give you a Stern talking to or something? Okay, give me some credit. I know I give you a hard time, but... I think you're all right. - Oh. - Two whiskey shots, please. So, are you dating anyone? Me? No. No, the monogamy thing is not really for me. So you don't want to get married? Like ever? Oh no. Personally, no. God, I like my freedom. But... but good for you, for wanting to commit to Leo and being okay with all of that. Never being single again, and knowing he's the last person you're ever gonna sleep with. It's not like it's weird. -People get married all the time. -Yeah. I mean, not people like us. Most people can tie the knot, and say "forever," but deep down know that half of marriages end in divorce. They could be single again. They likely will be. But you and I are actually committing to spend the rest of our lives, potentially the very few days we have left, tied down to another person. When you and I say "till death do us part," we really mean it. It's the end. But hey, if that doesn't bother you, mazel tov. You are a braver woman than I. Wait! No, no, no, no, no. My bachelorette party is over already? Oh, babe, it's gotta end sometime. - Let's go to a strip club! - Yes! This is what I need... a room full of men. Have you seen my mom? I need... I need money for the strippers. Hey, sweetie, you are being so delightful, but I just have to ask what's with April gone wild? Beth... dear, sweet Beth, what were we thinking with a classy bachelorette party? I admit it might be weird to bring your grandma to a strip club, which, by the way, it is! Hi, fellas. My entire life is at a crossroads, okay? I have one week left at home. This could be one of my only nights to be a single girl out with her single girlfriends. Do you realize that I could never be single again! This is my last freaking hurrah, and that's why we gotta do it right. Hey, come on, it's normal to be nervous before your wedding, yeah, you're never gonna be single again, but you're marrying Leo! Think of all the exciting things that come with that. Like what? Babies? Golden anniversaries? Maybe you can look at it like that, but I can't count on any of those things. That's why, tonight, has to be legendary. That's why I need... A bunch of dollar bills! Okay, I'm gonna go get you some change. -Come on. Let's get a better view. -Okay. Whoo! -Let's go catch up with the girls. -No, no, no, no, no. I mean, it was sweet of April to include me, but, really, she's gonna have a lot more fun with her friends. So you're just gonna hide out all night? - You should enjoy the show. - No, I'm fine. Really, strip clubs are not my scene. Disagree. Strip clubs are everyone's scene. I'm going to prove you wrong, Sara Carter. Natalie? Natalie, don't leave me here. Talked to the guys, and they're in if you are. Oh, that's awesome. Right? Dominic, thank you so much for doing this. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. You're welcome, man. happy to help. So, any word from April's bachelorette party? Oh, you know, I did just get a text... It says... "Strippers!" With about 10,000 exclamation points. - Mmm! - April at a strip club. I'm sure it's the one with the best Yelp reviews. Right? -So she's pretty type "A," huh? -I tried to take her to a restaurant once, that we were just passing by... Whoa, whoa, bad move. What if someone gave them two stars in June 2011? So, how about you, Leo? When's your bachelor party? Um, I don't think we're doing one. Actually... surprise! It's now! Really? This is my bachelor party? Yeah, I don't see why not. We got all the ingredients. We've got music, alcohol, - friends. - Yeah, friends. What a great surprise. You want to join, Dim... inic? Dominic? Sure. Why not? All right, let's get the party started. Bachelor party. - Bam! - Here we go. Don't do it! You're kind of killing the mood here. Finn, I'm sorry I said that I felt bad for you, but you shouldn't do this to prove a point. I'm not proving a point. I'm just making out with a girl. But Ford is covered in germs! I've seen her lick a parking meter before! That was one time. It was to make a point about bureaucracy. It's not worth the risk. No, I think it is, okay? I... I can't... I can't do it. - Finn, it's okay. - No, it's not, okay? I'm alone in a house with two girls, and all I can think about is germs and how much I could really use a nap. I mean, what kind of 17-year-old am I? I know I'm lucky to be alive, right, but sometimes there's so many rules and things I can't do that it doesn't feel much like living. I have an idea. I think it's disgusting when women sexualize themselves for the pleasure of the male gaze. Well, then don't think of it like that. Think of it as a favor to me. This was your plan all along. Shut up. Well, I'm definitely not tired now. Natalie, no! - What is this room? - You'll see! Oh my... just... -We're not even supposed to be back here! -Shh! Is Diane Court here? Okay, stop. Stop. - Don't stop. - I will not be the mother who gets a lap dance at her daughter's bachelorette party. You're not! You're Diane Court, so just relax... And have fun. Dance for me, Lloyd! Oh my God. O... Kay. Yes! They sure never looked like that when I was in the Navy. Look at the ass on that sailor! Wow! I never pegged you for an ass woman, Carver. You should get up there and dance with him. Right. Like anybody could just get up and dance. Hey, hey, our friend's getting married! - Who's the bride to be? - Me! Me, me! I'm the bride! All right, come on. Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Hello, sailor. Hi. Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to step off the stage - and take a seat. - Oh, no, no, read the shirt. "I'm the bride, bitch"! I'm still gonna have to ask you to step away from... Hey, how dare you? Okay, I'm somebody's wife, basically. - Sir! - You... you... hey, you! Get your damn hands off my granddaughter! Jake, you've got two on the gate. But... I'm a bride. Your mom's working on bail. You know, I finally let myself cut loose and have... a world-class bachelorette party, and I end up in jail. You're in jail because of me. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have reached for the cop's nightstick, but... That's not the stick I was reaching for. You ever feel like no matter what you do, you just can't make the right choice? Every choice is the right one when you make it. You really believe that? I've long since given up trying to figure out why things are they way they are. Is that helping you get over things with Sam? What happened with you guys? Oh, honey, Sam... Sam wants to travel, see the country. He wants to spend the winter in Sedona. And he wants you to go with him. And I wanna spend that time with you. I can't have you... staying because you're afraid I might die. Nobody in this family is dying any time soon! You don't know what's going to happen. Didn't you basically just say that? How can I possibly leave you? The same way I'm leaving the room I lived in my whole life. And... marry a guy I really just met. And the way I... I hold my breath every time they test my blood and... Scan my body. You just hope and you pray that... And if the results are bad... You try to accept it, and you get back up, because... because... Because that's the deal. There's no last hurrah, is there? No, every day is the last hurrah. You have to go. You know that. I do. But not before your wedding. And I need to make a decision about what may be the only book I ever write. I thought you'd decided. So did I. I can't let fear guide that decision. I know what I really wanna write. I think I always have. Ladies, you're free to go. You ready? Hell yes. What are you even saying? That doesn't even make any sense! Val Kilmer is not the best Batman! - I like what I like. - Pfft! - No way. - Okay. - It's Christian Bale. Come on. - Yeah! - The voice. The suit. - There you go. Uh-huh. -Mmm! This guy knows what he is talking about. -Mmm! - Mmm! - Oh, you two are too cute! - I gotta take a picture. - Ooh, yeah. - Okay. - Ready? Adorable. Ooh! I'm 'gramming this immediately. - Tag me. - hashtag... domino. Ooh! It's your name, it's my name. I like it. I like it. And I like you, dude. - Back at you, dude. - I do. Oh. You're nice. You're a nice guy. You're a good guy. You're a harmless guy. Harmless, huh? That's something everyone likes to hear. No, no, no, no, no. I just mean, I was... I used to worry that you would stay pissed at me about how everything went down with April. Or worse, that you were gonna swoop in and try and steal her from me. But that all seems kinda crazy now, doesn't it? You know, I always thought that "Phantom Menace" was the best "Star Wars." But you know, I get it, because you and April are just friends. And what's great, dimples... Dom... Domples, is that we can be friends now, because I have nothing to worry about. You don't want April back. - I do. I'm still in love with her, and I do want her back. Leo! Oh my God. Did you see that? You know what? April was right about you. You are a nice guy. You're a good guy. You're a real harmless guy. Let's go. I know. I'm sorry. I was my old self again. No. That was fair. Some provisions. - Oh, Leo, thank you. - Yay! - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. - Hey. - Hi. - Everything okay? - What? Sorry. I'm meeting with Nina later, so I'm just working on some notes. - Oh. - How'd last night go? Yeah, it was... it was... it was fine. I'm thinking we should go with a DJ, though. - Oh, grandma and April got arrested. - Really? Oh, it was just a little harassing-an-officer thing. The charges were dropped. It's no big deal. And I got to have a wonderful talk with my granddaughter. Did we miss anything big? Actually, there's something I need to tell you. - Can we talk? - Sure. Well, well. Strippers, jail, mystery talks. Sounds like you missed out, Bren. Sounds like we both did. - What's this? - It's a summary page for the book I wanna work on with you. Is this the project we talked about? It's a proposal for my memoir. Look, another 20-something girl might come in here and hand you a memoir about her firsts... Her first job, her first apartment, her first heartbreak. But I have to think of all of these things as my lasts. Being sick makes every decision I make so enormous, but it also keeps me from taking anything for granted, and I think that that's a perspective that will make my work stand out. I know... I know you were excited about my young adult idea. I was too. I wish I could write it. I could write everything... Y.A., Chick Lit, Sci-Fi, even one of those 2,000 page biographies. I want to do everything, but... If I only get to tell one story, it's gotta be my story. Wow. That's really brave of you, but publishing is a challenging business. More so than ever. And I have to be honest with you... I'm looking to work on projects with broader appeal. If you want to write your memoir, I wish you the best of luck. But you'll have to find someone else to work with. I will. - No, I swear, they really did. - Come on. -I'm not joking. I'm serious. -Dude. Dude. - When was this? - It was... -No way, man. You're lying. -I swear. - Come on. - They really did. Ooh! Hey, Finn. So glad you came over. Would you guys give us a second? Looks like you got yourself a fan club. Oh, who needs friends when you have a fan club? -Friends are overrated. -No, hey, hey, you've got a friend. -Pickle chip? -Hey, those better be neutropenic. Neutropenic and delicious. So delicious, and it's weird. I used to hate these things, -but I love them now, and I don't know why. -Thank you! - Ford thinks they're gross. - Well, they are, but they're so good. - A memoir, huh? Very cool. - Yeah. I don't know what sort of market's out there for the story of April Carver, but you were right. The market is not the most important thing. I have to use this time to write the book I have to write. - I hope you let me read it. - Of course. You've really been there for me through all of this. I'm right around the corner. Can I take you out for an official thank-you lunch? Uh... Now's not really a good time. Okay. Well, how about tomorrow? Actually, looks like I'm going to be busy for a while with some stuff for my house and... Why don't I call you when things clear up? Okay, good luck with your stuff. ♪ Harvey ♪ ♪ Harvey ♪ ♪ Harvey ♪ Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something really important. Son, you know you can tell us anything, right? Okay, then. Let me explain. I've been working on a dance routine, and I want to perform it tonight at a club. And you don't want old Mom and Dad embarrassing you. - No, we get it. - No, no, no, that's not it. Well, I guess that is it. Sure thing, son. Go crazy. Are you sure you don't want to listen to my CD to make sure there's no bad words? - We know you'll be careful. - Tonight's gonna be awesome! Sure will, son. synccorrectionbyf1nc0 Bros,checkit out. Club Mulch. We're gonna be here all night. Mnh-mnh. I got to be home by 11:00. Then we're gonna be here all night... till 11:00. Harvey, Foo, Girl Foo, you guys gonna have a blast. Technobear, it's, like, so cool that you agreed to take us to a club. Two things... Harvey, you're welcome, bro. - What's the other thing? - Let's get crazy! - Whoo! - Sounds great! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm looking forward to seeing your dance, Harvey. I can't wait to show you guys. There's this one part where I, like, put out my arm and my leg. Oh, nice try, Fee. But you'll have to wait just like everybody else to see it. Harvey, you came. - I wasn't sure if you'd make it. - Dade? Me and my family could really use your help. - For what? - With protesting the evil club, you silly. Don't go in there! You'll never find your way back! Uh, actually, Dade, we're going inside the club! What? Are you out of your gol-danged gourd? You can't go in alone. You need protection. You need a moral compass. Let me be your compass, Harvey. Let me be your compass. Harvey, we're heading in! - Okay! Bye, Dade! - Harvey, I'm coming with you. And if you got any questions, just ask me. - Oof. - Absolutely not. Back of the line. Yeah, the bouncer always holds this spot just for me. The bouncer? - You're not allowed in. - The sign specifically said "all-ages." I'm 35. That's an age. It ain't tonight. I have got total control over Club Mulch. I want me to be that. Don't worry. This line moves super fast. Hey, we made it. Get ready for the best night of your lives. Welcome to Club Mulch. Oh, my gosh. This is amazing! ♪ Rock, rock your body, body, body rock, rock ♪ ♪ And a body go rock, rock, rock body, body ♪ ♪ Body, body, body, body, body ♪ The DJ... time to turn up the charm. Hello, sir. I'm Harvey Beaks. Would you mind playing this song at some point tonight? It's my band. See, I've been practicing this dance. I can't wait to show everyone. It's gonna be the coolest thing this place has ever seen. Great. Well, I'll just leave this here, and I'll be on my way. That takes care of that. ♪ Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-body ♪ Dang it, Harvey! Save it for the dance. - What'd you want to show us? - A very important place for very important people... the VIP room. Nooo! This is Princess' VIP room! Go be lame somewhere else! Well, I think there's enough room for everybody. I'd rather die! The VIP room is for special people like me! Burp! Plus, I hate you. Hmm, I've got an idea. Follow me. We're not VIPs. We're VVIPs... very, very important persons. I mean, if someone says something, we'll probably have to put the sign back. Repent! Dancing is a terrible waste of your life. And sodas and sugary drinks contain unsavory emotions. Be sure to read these pamphlets. Okay. Okay, ha ha. Just a second, I'm... Oh, butterfingers. - That looks fun. Can I help? - Uh, okay. Open up your fat mouths! Oh, oh. - Pretty cool here, huh, Fee? - Harvey, I hate to break it to you. Clubs aren't exactly my thing. Oh, come on. The people here are cool. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Okay, you have a point. Hey, you know who I would like to hang with? - That chick. - The bouncer? You could totally be a bouncer. You're kind of mean, but people like you. You got a girl voice, but big-boy muscles. - You should talk to her. - Uh, I don't know. It's weird to say, but I'm kind of nervous too. Well, I'm not. Come on. Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to introduce my friend Fee. - She'd make a great bouncer. - H-Hello. Too small. No, thanks. You need to show her your moves. - Bounce me. - Wha... - Really? - Do it. Uh-oh. I'm getting rowdy. I'm out of control! Hey, don't make me bounce you. Don't worry. I'm on it. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, nice work, kid. Hmm? Excuse me. Coming through here. Hey, Harvey, come here and dance. This chick is totally into you. I'm like a great wingman or something. You said you saw where my friends went. Um, that's okay. I'm trying not to dance yet, actually. Hey, bad news, Harvey... your girl got away. You want me to follow her? I could follow her. Harvey, I finished my lemon water. I'm ready to go home. I can't go yet. The DJ's gonna play my jam, right? I can't take any more! This place makes me sick. You all will have to answer for your behavior someday! You! You should be ashamed of yourself. Serving sugary drinks to innocent, unsuspecting children. It's disgusting. Keep it together, Dade. But the sugar... it's in my system, changing me, corrupting me...! - This is embarrassing. - Do you want to take care of him? You mean, like, off him? Bounce him? Oh, with pleasure. Why won't anyone sing karaoke with me? I hate every one of you. I'm gonna kiss everyone in this room. Where's Harvey? I'm not dancing because I'm saving my energy for my special dance. So what's your name? Last song of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Last song! It's gonna be mine. Everybody make way! Excuse me! It's time for my dance. You guys are gonna love... Okay, so first, I stick out my... Oh, sorry, kid. Wait a second. That's not my song. This was supposed to be my jam. I guess... I guess they're not gonna play it. Hey, Harvey, why aren't you dancing? Here, let me help you. Having fun! Hey, Harvey! I have a job now. Hmm. Let me know when you guys are ready to go home. - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. Not so fast. Nobody's leaving until Harvey gets his dance. Oh, yeah, you're gonna stop all of us? Let the boy have his dance. Free soda for everyone. Uh, uh, that's not really your decision to make. So, Technobear, do you want to, like, dance or something? Another time, sweetheart. - Right now my boy Harvey needs me. - Oh. Okay, then. Bro. - Bro. - Bro? - Bro! - Bro. Mm-hmm. That's my jam. That's my jam! My friends did it! They got the DJ to play my jam! Hey, he's not bad. I mean, he's not good, but he's not bad. - Harvey! - That was some dance! - You're killing it! - Go, Harvey! Hey, Mom, if you don't hurry, I'm gonna start cleaning the new baby room without you! Be right there, sweetie. Wow. There's so much clutter. This will probably take all day to clean and organize. I'm the luckiest boy in the world! Oh, shirts. Hey, wait a minute. This can't be a shirt. It's too tiny, and look at these holes. This doesn't even have sleeves. - How would you keep your arms warm? - Harvey, look at you. Oh, my goodness, I got to take a picture. Honey, turn over here. This is precious. Oh, yeah. That's a Christmas card. And you found all my old band T-shirts. - I've been looking for those. - Oh, these are yours? You look like such a handsome little rebel. Oh, rebel, yeah! What's a rebel? Hey, sis, I finally found something that will tell me exactly how to be a real rebel. Isn't that awesome? So far, I know you have to have bad posture, and dark glasses seems to be important. And maybe evening gloves? It says here that rebels ignore the rules and question authority. So rule number one, ignore the rules. Rule number two, question authority more. Hmm, maybe ask, "How are you?" Oh, you found something helpful. It says that rebels are charismatic and attract a following. Okay, now, who does that sound like? Ha! Exactly! It sounds just like me. Listen, little sis, whatever you are, you have to be the best you can, or else you might disappoint Mom and Dad. That would just be awful. Okay, it's five minutes past my bedtime. Good night, sis. Yeah! Rebellion! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Rebellion. Some dark glasses. Oh, I can't see anything at all. Harvey, breakfast is almost ready. Harvey! Now, what is all this? Okay. Well, whenever you're ready. Well, don't you look handsome this morning. Now that I've figured out how to turn this new toaster on, your toast will be ready by... Wednesday. It's a little bit of a wait, but when it's done, it'll be really good toast. Thanks, Dad, but, actually, I want spaghetti for breakfast. Oh, I remember that shirt. What's that doing out here? - Harvey's our little rebel now. - Oh, all right! Well, you're looking good, little buddy. I better skip breakfast. I got to go get a head start on sticking it to the man! How's it going over there, Foo? Uh, it tickles. Oh. Ow! - Hey, guys. - Who is that? - Nice shirt, dude. - Thank you. I'm a rebel now. Oh, hey, Harvey. Where are your sleeves? I don't need 'em anymore. Welcome to the sleeveless club. Here, Harvey, eat this. - Oops. Sorry, dude. - No, no. It's okay. A little dirt means nothing to a rebel. Whoa. Dude, I've never seen you eat dirt before. Yeah? Well, I'm just getting started. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This book is now five minutes late! Revolution! Not quite closed, Mr. Gate. - Harvey. - Dade. You look different. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some signs to make crooked. What? What? You're gonna get in trouble. Trouble? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a rebel. You're scaring me with that kind of talk. No worries, man. What? I don't... What do you want? Are you shaking my hand or... Okay, you're pointing. Harvey, no! No! I'm impressed, man. You usually get all scared and screaming about breaking rules. Thank you. I'm really embracing this. Look. Randl's Rentls is now spelled correctly. Wait, wait. A rebel wouldn't correct spelling errors... But they would vandalize property. Uh... - Are you okay? - I'll leave them or... No, no, don't. Yes, no. Yeah, yes. No. Hey, Harvey, I feel gross saying this, but maybe we should get out of here before we get caught. Yeah? Too late. You're busted. Randl! I've been watching you for four hours now. At first, it was funny. Then it was sad. Now it's just really creepy. Randl, I got a clear shot. Should I take it? Mom, no! I got this under control. Go back to your house and... - I almost got it. - Mom, you were way off. I was trying to shoot the Moon. Always laughing at me. See what you did? But I'm just being a rebel. You're being a nuisance. Go! Go on! Get! Get! Oh, man, did you see his face? Guys, stop. Didn't you hear him back there? No one has ever screamed at me like that. I think I'm in real trouble. Well, yeah. Rebels get into trouble. I'm too dangerous to even be around. You guys need to run before I corrupt you. I'm a rebel! I'm bad news! Okay, the good news is the fire is out. The bad news is my Casserole 5000 exploded. I'll order the pizza. What's up? Your son came to me in need of saving. - Harvey, what did you do? ! - Oh, sweetie. - I... - The boy apparently tried to correct the spelling on a sign. Mom, Dad, I'm a horrifying monster. He hasn't broken the law, but with your permission, I can ba-zap and ba-zing the trouble out of him. Um, Harvey, maybe you should get some rest. Do rebels even sleep? Or is it more rebellious to stay awake forever? I don't even know who I am anymore! Now, that is one confused boy, if I ever saw one. My advice... lock him in a box for 30 years. Worked for me. I knew that shirt would cause a problem one day. - I was just trying to be encouraging. - Hey, Harvey's parents. - Ow! - Ow! Harvey's acting weird. - So can you fix it or something? - Hurry! Okay, we're gonna do something about this. Time to go have breakfast so I can get into more trouble. Crumbs everywhere! What a mess! Nice try there, crumbs. The old Harvey would have cleaned you up, but Rebel Harvey doesn't even care. Okay, just quickly tidy up, and no one will even notice. Who put this down without using a coaster? This is good wood. Oh. Oh, no... Okay, I'll just clean this up real quick, then it's back to being a rebel. You're getting the recycling mixed up with the perishables! Somebody messed up these library books! Irving, it's working. My garden! What kind of monsters would do this? - I knew it was you two. - Shut up, Dade. We had a good reason this time. See? We're trying to fix Harvey. Everything goes in the place it's supposed to go. That's the fella I know. Fight it, you beautiful dandelion. I should just leave this messy, but I want to make it beautiful. I got to fold laundry, or the clothes will get wrinkly. Wait a second. Who added laundry to the obstacle course? Obstacle course? Oh, I thought Harvey was doing chores for free. Ooh! It's okay, sweetie. We're here to help. I'm fine! Everything's fine! I want to clean my room so much, but it hurts! - Don't fight it, Harvey. - No! Stay away from me! I can't protect you from myself! - Shower him in love. - Let me in. Oh. Wait. I'm free. I'm free! I'm sorry, Mom. I let you down. No, sweetie, you could never let us down. A shirt doesn't make you who you are. It's what's inside the shirt that counts. Oh, right, my nipples. I don't want to be boxed in by labels anyway. Oh, man, do you know what I want to do so bad? - I want to fix that brick. - You do whatever makes you happy. Yeah! I love this! Aw, sweetie, you're my little, um, complicated person. Now I want to iron all my slacks, and then I want to clean under the fridge, - because it's super filthy under there. - Yay! Harvey's crazy! And then I'm gonna polish all the furniture, every last bit of furniture! Okay, dude, we get it. We get it. synccorrectionbyf1nc0 [title music] ♪ Harvey ♪ ♪ Harvey ♪ ♪ Harvey ♪ [clears throat] Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something really important. Son, you know you can tell us anything, right? Okay, then. Let me explain. I've been working on a dance routine, and I want to perform it tonight at a club. And you don't want old Mom and Dad embarrassing you. - No, we get it. - No, no, no, that's not it. Well, I guess that is it. Sure thing, son. Go crazy. Are you sure you don't want to listen to my CD to make sure there's no bad words? - We know you'll be careful. - Tonight's gonna be awesome! Sure will, son. [upbeat dance music] synccorrectionbyf1nc0 [Technobear] Bros, check it out. Club Mulch. We're gonna be here all night. Mnh-mnh. I got to be home by 11:00. Then we're gonna be here all night... till 11:00. Harvey, Foo, Girl Foo, you guys gonna have a blast. Technobear, it's, like, so cool that you agreed to take us to a club. Two things... Harvey, you're welcome, bro. - What's the other thing? - Let's get crazy! - Whoo! - Sounds great! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm looking forward to seeing your dance, Harvey. I can't wait to show you guys. There's this one part where I, like, put out my arm and my leg. Oh, nice try, Fee. But you'll have to wait just like everybody else to see it. [Dade] Harvey, you came. - I wasn't sure if you'd make it. - Dade? Me and my family could really use your help. - For what? - With protesting the evil club, you silly. [all shouting] Don't go in there! You'll never find your way back! Uh, actually, Dade, we're going inside the club! What? Are you out of your gol-danged gourd? You can't go in alone. You need protection. You need a moral compass. Let me be your compass, Harvey. Let me be your compass. [Technobear] Harvey, we're heading in! - Okay! Bye, Dade! - Harvey, I'm coming with you. And if you got any questions, just ask me. - Oof. - Absolutely not. Back of the line. Yeah, the bouncer always holds this spot just for me. The bouncer? - You're not allowed in. - The sign specifically said "all-ages." I'm 35. That's an age. It ain't tonight. [grunts] I have got total control over Club Mulch. [thinking] I want me to be that. Don't worry. This line moves super fast. Hey, we made it. Get ready for the best night of your lives. Welcome to Club Mulch. Oh, my gosh. This is amazing! [woman] # Rock, rock your body, body, body rock, rock # [breathing heavily] [roars] Aah! ♪ And a body go rock, rock, rock body, body ♪ ♪ Body, body, body, body, body ♪ The DJ... time to turn up the charm. Hello, sir. I'm Harvey Beaks. [muffled] Would you mind playing this song at some point tonight? It's my band. See, I've been practicing this dance. I can't wait to show everyone. It's gonna be the coolest thing this place has ever seen. [normal voice] Great. Well, I'll just leave this here, and I'll be on my way. That takes care of that. [woman singing] # Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-body # Dang it, Harvey! Save it for the dance. - [Foo] What'd you want to show us? - A very important place for very important people... the VIP room. Nooo! This is Princess' VIP room! Go be lame somewhere else! Well, I think there's enough room for everybody. I'd rather die! The VIP room is for special people like me! [gulps] Burp! Plus, I hate you. Hmm, I've got an idea. Follow me. We're not VIPs. We're VVIPs... very, very important persons. I mean, if someone says something, we'll probably have to put the sign back. Repent! Dancing is a terrible waste of your life. And sodas and sugary drinks contain unsavory emotions. Be sure to read these pamphlets. Okay. Okay, ha ha. Just a second, I'm... [all yelling] Oh, butterfingers. [all yelling] - That looks fun. Can I help? - Uh, okay. Open up your fat mouths! [cheering] Oh, oh. [laughs] - Pretty cool here, huh, Fee? - Harvey, I hate to break it to you. Clubs aren't exactly my thing. Oh, come on. The people here are cool. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Okay, you have a point. Hey, you know who I would like to hang with? - That chick. - [Harvey] The bouncer? You could totally be a bouncer. You're kind of mean, but people like you. You got a girl voice, but big-boy muscles. - You should talk to her. - Uh, I don't know. It's weird to say, but I'm kind of nervous too. - Well, I'm not. Come on. - Aah! [Harvey] Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to introduce my friend Fee. - She'd make a great bouncer. - H-Hello. Too small. No, thanks. You need to show her your moves. - Bounce me. - Wha... - Really? - Do it. Uh-oh. I'm getting rowdy. I'm out of control! Hey, don't make me bounce you. Don't worry. I'm on it. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Whoa, nice work, kid. [laughs] Hmm? [upbeat dance music] Excuse me. Coming through here. [Technobear] Hey, Harvey, come here and dance. This chick is totally into you. I'm like a great wingman or something. You said you saw where my friends went. Um, that's okay. I'm trying not to dance yet, actually. Hey, bad news, Harvey... your girl got away. You want me to follow her? I could follow her. Harvey, I finished my lemon water. I'm ready to go home. I can't go yet. The DJ's gonna play my jam, right? I can't take any more! [grunts] This place makes me sick. You all will have to answer for your behavior someday! You! You should be ashamed of yourself. Serving sugary drinks to innocent, unsuspecting children. It's disgusting. [gurgling] [cheering] [thinking] Keep it together, Dade. But the sugar... it's in my system, changing me, corrupting me...! [laughs] [screaming] [techno dance music] - This is embarrassing. - Do you want to take care of him? You mean, like, off him? Bounce him? Oh, with pleasure. Why won't anyone sing karaoke with me? I hate every one of you. I'm gonna kiss everyone in this room. Where's Harvey? [chuckles evilly] Aah! [Dade screaming] I'm not dancing because I'm saving my energy for my special dance. So what's your name? [DJ] Last song of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Last song! It's gonna be mine. Everybody make way! Excuse me! It's time for my dance. You guys are gonna love... Okay, so first, I stick out my... [grunts] [boy] Oh, sorry, kid. [upbeat hip-hop music] Wait a second. That's not my song. This was supposed to be my jam. I guess... I guess they're not gonna play it. Hey, Harvey, why aren't you dancing? Here, let me help you. [humming] Having fun! [sighs] Hey, Harvey! I have a job now. Hmm. [sighs] Let me know when you guys are ready to go home. - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. [indistinct chatter] [Fee] Not so fast. Nobody's leaving until Harvey gets his dance. Oh, yeah, you're gonna stop all of us? Let the boy have his dance. [whimpers] Free soda for everyone. [excited chatter] Uh, uh, that's not really your decision to make. So, Technobear, do you want to, like, dance or something? Another time, sweetheart. - Right now my boy Harvey needs me. - Oh. Okay, then. [grunting] [clears throat] Bro. - Bro. - Bro? - Bro! - Bro. Mm-hmm. [upbeat music] That's my jam. [bell dings] That's my jam! [bell dings] My friends did it! They got the DJ to play my jam! [slurps] Hey, he's not bad. I mean, he's not good, but he's not bad. [all cheering] - Harvey! - That was some dance! - You're killing it! - Go, Harvey! Hey, Mom, if you don't hurry, I'm gonna start cleaning the new baby room without you! [Miriam] Be right there, sweetie. Wow. There's so much clutter. This will probably take all day to clean and organize. I'm the luckiest boy in the world! [clears throat] [humming] [coughing] Oh, shirts. Hey, wait a minute. This can't be a shirt. It's too tiny, and look at these holes. This doesn't even have sleeves. - How would you keep your arms warm? - Harvey, look at you. Oh, my goodness, I got to take a picture. Honey, turn over here. This is precious. [camera shutter clicks] Oh, yeah. That's a Christmas card. And you found all my old band T-shirts. - I've been looking for those. - Oh, these are yours? You look like such a handsome little rebel. Oh, rebel, yeah! What's a rebel? [upbeat music] Hey, sis, I finally found something that will tell me exactly how to be a real rebel. Isn't that awesome? So far, I know you have to have bad posture, and dark glasses seems to be important. And maybe evening gloves? It says here that rebels ignore the rules and question authority. So rule number one, ignore the rules. Rule number two, question authority more. Hmm, maybe ask, "How are you?" Oh, you found something helpful. It says that rebels are charismatic and attract a following. Okay, now, who does that sound like? Ha! Exactly! It sounds just like me. Listen, little sis, whatever you are, you have to be the best you can, or else you might disappoint Mom and Dad. That would just be awful. Okay, it's five minutes past my bedtime. Good night, sis. Yeah! Rebellion! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Rebellion. Some dark glasses. Oh, I can't see anything at all. Harvey, breakfast is almost ready. Harvey! Now, what is all this? [banister squeaking] Okay. Well, whenever you're ready. Well, don't you look handsome this morning. Now that I've figured out how to turn this new toaster on, your toast will be ready by... Wednesday. It's a little bit of a wait, but when it's done, it'll be really good toast. Thanks, Dad, but, actually, I want spaghetti for breakfast. Oh, I remember that shirt. What's that doing out here? - Harvey's our little rebel now. - Oh, all right! Well, you're looking good, little buddy. I better skip breakfast. I got to go get a head start on sticking it to the man! [rock chord plays] How's it going over there, Foo? Uh, it tickles. Oh. Ow! - Hey, guys. - Who is that? - Nice shirt, dude. - Thank you. I'm a rebel now. Oh, hey, Harvey. Where are your sleeves? I don't need 'em anymore. Welcome to the sleeveless club. Here, Harvey, eat this. - Oops. Sorry, dude. - No, no. It's okay. A little dirt means nothing to a rebel. Whoa. Dude, I've never seen you eat dirt before. Yeah? Well, I'm just getting started. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This book is now five minutes late! Revolution! [laughter] Not quite closed, Mr. Gate. - Harvey. - Dade. You look different. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some signs to make crooked. What? What? You're gonna get in trouble. Trouble? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a rebel. You're scaring me with that kind of talk. No worries, man. What? I don't... What do you want? Are you shaking my hand or... Okay, you're pointing. Harvey, no! No! I'm impressed, man. You usually get all scared and screaming about breaking rules. Thank you. I'm really embracing this. Look. [grunting] Randl's Rentls is now spelled correctly. [laughs] Wait, wait. A rebel wouldn't correct spelling errors... But they would vandalize property. Uh... - Are you okay? - I'll leave them or... No, no, don't. [groans] [Harvey groaning] Yes, no. Yeah, yes. No. Hey, Harvey, I feel gross saying this, but maybe we should get out of here before we get caught. Yeah? Too late. You're busted. Randl! I've been watching you for four hours now. At first, it was funny. Then it was sad. Now it's just really creepy. [gasps] Randl, I got a clear shot. Should I take it? Mom, no! I got this under control. Go back to your house and... [gunshot] - I almost got it. - Mom, you were way off. I was trying to shoot the Moon. Always laughing at me. Aah! See what you did? But I'm just being a rebel. You're being a nuisance. [gasps] Go! Go on! Get! Get! [screams] [laughter] Oh, man, did you see his face? Guys, stop. Didn't you hear him back there? No one has ever screamed at me like that. I think I'm in real trouble. Well, yeah. Rebels get into trouble. I'm too dangerous to even be around. You guys need to run before I corrupt you. I'm a rebel! I'm bad news! [crying] Okay, the good news is the fire is out. The bad news is my Casserole 5000 exploded. I'll order the pizza. [knock on door] What's up? Your son came to me in need of saving. - Harvey, what did you do? ! - Oh, sweetie. - I... - The boy apparently tried to correct the spelling on a sign. Mom, Dad, I'm a horrifying monster. He hasn't broken the law, but with your permission, I can ba-zap and ba-zing the trouble out of him. Um, Harvey, maybe you should get some rest. Do rebels even sleep? Or is it more rebellious to stay awake forever? I don't even know who I am anymore! [cries] Now, that is one confused boy, if I ever saw one. My advice... lock him in a box for 30 years. Worked for me. I knew that shirt would cause a problem one day. - I was just trying to be encouraging. - Hey, Harvey's parents. - Ow! - Ow! Harvey's acting weird. - So can you fix it or something? - Hurry! Okay, we're gonna do something about this. [sighs] [groans] Time to go have breakfast so I can get into more trouble. [gasps] Crumbs everywhere! What a mess! [laughs] Nice try there, crumbs. The old Harvey would have cleaned you up, but Rebel Harvey doesn't even care. Okay, just quickly tidy up, and no one will even notice. [gasps] Who put this down without using a coaster? This is good wood. Oh. Oh, no... [groans] Okay, I'll just clean this up real quick, then it's back to being a rebel. [grunting] [laughs] You're getting the recycling mixed up with the perishables! [gasps] Somebody messed up these library books! Aah! Irving, it's working. Aah! My garden! What kind of monsters would do this? Aah! - I knew it was you two. - Shut up, Dade. We had a good reason this time. See? We're trying to fix Harvey. Everything goes in the place it's supposed to go. That's the fella I know. Fight it, you beautiful dandelion. [grunting] Aah! I should just leave this messy, but I want to make it beautiful. [laughs] I got to fold laundry, or the clothes will get wrinkly. Wait a second. Who added laundry to the obstacle course? Obstacle course? Oh, I thought Harvey was doing chores for free. [grunting] Ooh! It's okay, sweetie. We're here to help. I'm fine! Everything's fine! I want to clean my room so much, but it hurts! - Don't fight it, Harvey. - No! Stay away from me! I can't protect you from myself! Aah! - Shower him in love. - Let me in. Aah! Oh. Wait. I'm free. I'm free! I'm sorry, Mom. I let you down. No, sweetie, you could never let us down. A shirt doesn't make you who you are. It's what's inside the shirt that counts. Oh, right, my nipples. I don't want to be boxed in by labels anyway. Oh, man, do you know what I want to do so bad? - I want to fix that brick. - You do whatever makes you happy. Yeah! I love this! Aw, sweetie, you're my little, um, complicated person. Now I want to iron all my slacks, and then I want to clean under the fridge, - because it's super filthy under there. - Yay! Harvey's crazy! And then I'm gonna polish all the furniture, every last bit of furniture! [Fee] Okay, dude, we get it. We get it. synccorrectionbyf1nc0 Previously on Minority Report... Remember me? My name is Wally. I'm here to help. Blomfeld thinks we never should have ended Precrime. My agency had plans for them. This is what I've been seeing in my vision! A milk bath more advanced than the one that held us during Precrime. Memento Mori, he was planning a terrorist attack on the district. Coded message cards delivered to scientists, each one stamped with the anamorphic image of a human skull. You've helped Detective Vega. From now on, you should be coming to me. I'll be in touch. Blake! (gunshots) You're one of them. He knows. I think he knows who you are, too. (groans) This changes everything. (whirring and clanking) ♪ ♪ Mr. Chairman. Quite the security setup, Director Blomfeld. No cavity search? I hope what I have for you is worth the inconvenience. - Me, too. - For months now, I've been warning the committee about the growing threat posed by Memento Mori. Ah, yes, the Loch Ness monster no one's ever seen or heard except in whispers. And we've given you carte blanche to pursue them with every tool available. - So, what did you find? - Nothing. Well, it's not a surprise. They distrust technology. They don't leave any online footprint. That makes them invisible to conventional methods. So, you've been at this almost a year, you know they're planning something big, but have nothing to help stop it. What's the good news? Well, Mr. Chairman, the good news is that we have a tool that we haven't used yet. A way to hunt this group without a byte of data. Of course, we're missing three very important things. ♪ ♪ (whirring) (indistinct chatter) (electronic trilling) One guess what's in that building. We need to get busy. DASH: There are three of us: Agatha, Arthur and me, Dash. We were called the Precognitives. We can see murders before they happen. For six years, we were held against our will and used to save lives. But after the government's Precrime program was shut down, we were finally released. We kept ourselves safe and hidden from the world, until now. ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ I'm hot just like an oven ♪ - ♪ I need some lovin' ♪ - (crowd cheering) ♪ And when I get that feeling ♪ ♪ I want sexual healing ♪ - MALE VOICE: Note missed. - ♪ Sexual... ♪ What? ! - Note missed. - What are you talking about? ! What do you mean, "note missed"? - Song failed. - Oh... - Dash! - Wow! That was amazing. - I mean, oh, my God! - That was so good! - That's crazy. - AKEELA: Dash, that was... Where did you learn to sing? Oh, come on, come on. Let's not get crazy here. All right, you took that very serious. Let's cue up "Big Pimpin'." - I'm gonna show you people how this is done. - No, no. Vega, buy you a beer? From my own fridge? Ooh, baller! - (laughing) - BLAKE: Yeah, come on. It's free. Akeela, start it again. I want to sing it again. Okay. I'm glad you stopped by. You know, you lied to me. - You're still not off the hook. - ("Sexual Healing" begins) I don't want off the hook. I want you on the team. Right. So... DASH: ♪ Baby... ♪ This is a team now? You know, you haven't thought this through. You're worried about your career. I get it. But this is a good thing that we're doing. That's not what I mean. Should a power like this be in the hands of a couple of cops? Listen, I have thought this through. This is not like Precrime... we're not arresting people for something they haven't done. No, you're just seeing the future and keeping it a secret. Who else would you trust? DASH: ♪ Oh, baby ♪ I don't know. ♪ Makes me feel so fine ♪ I don't know. (sighs) ♪ Helps to relieve my mind... ♪ But sooner or later, somebody's gonna find out. - MALE VOICE: Note missed. - AKEELA: Uh, guys? - Guys! - Note missed. Wait, what's going on? VEGA: Okay, give him some room. (Dash gasping) ♪ ♪ (panting) Let's get to work. VEGA: Okay. - People in suits, a crowd... - BLAKE: "Tav 8"? - What is that supposed to mean? - DASH: I'm not sure. It was white letters against a blue background. Maybe a uniform? Net searches for "Tav 8" bring up results about an antique military aircraft. It's been retired for decades. BLAKE: Great. So we're looking for a time-traveling fighter pilot, sweet. Dash's visions aren't a police report. They're impressions. Not every detail is a smoking gun. Tell me about this one. DASH: This guy was twisting his wedding ring. I saw him moving through a crowd. It looked like he was trying to get away. The murderer? Maybe. This man dove to protect the victim. - Hmm. Black suit. - Did you see the killer's face? Not his, but I did see the victim's. AKEELA: Steven's Law. The Senate bill? - That's Ellen Meizhou-Shi. - She's a senator from right here in the district. I voted for her. We need to have a word with her. No, let's drop by Wally's first. BLAKE: If this is a threat on a U.S. senator, - "Wally" better be the FBI. - VEGA: Blake. Let us do our thing. We'll go to the Feds the second we know more. Besides, so far, we're having a better year than they are. (crowd shouting, clamoring) Because our children's future means too much to roll the dice. Pass Steven's Law. WOMAN and CHILDREN: Life finds a way. MAN: Excuse me. You must be Detective Vega. That's him. And that makes you Agent Shale, Homeland Security. Please, call me Aman. What can I do for you? Our Hawk-Eye systems identified an orange-level threat pattern based on a confluence of factors... We believe that the senator is in danger. That. Any specific threat? Well, we haven't worked out all the details yet. Well, unfortunately you don't need predictive policing to know that the senator has enemies. I mean, she's leading the fight to legalize germline gene therapy in humans. So many threats against her life, DHS assigned an agent to her. - That's why I'm here. - Germline. Yeah, the senator could probably explain it better, but it has something to do with tinkering with a baby's DNA in utero, thus stopping disease before it happens. Kind of like pre-health. But why would anyone have a problem with that? I ask myself that every day, Detective...? Lara Vega. My analyst Dash Parker. These technologies can prevent everything from MS to Parkinson's. But they also give people the power to tweak things for more superficial reasons. Perfect skin, eye color, the endurance of an Olympic marathoner. Some people think it's playing God. That's where most of our threats come from. Extremist groups. We've taken precautions. I wish she would take more. There are crowds and protestors everywhere we go. But the senator won't even consider cutting back our public schedule. Because my public didn't send me here to back down from a fight. They sent me here to wage one. Steven's Law. Your son. He was six. He died from a genetic disorder we could've prevented in the womb had this science been legal. I'm sorry. The gene that killed him came from me. I have to live with that. But I swore to make sure no other parent would ever have to. VEGA: So, this bill, uh, the vote's coming up soon? Thursday... which makes the next two days critical. Couple of points of public opinion could make all the difference, so if you'll forgive me, I have to get back to work. Nice to meet you. Where's her next public event? Ventner Labs. Press conference here at the facility. So, if she won't cancel that, at least let us tag along. Maybe something from our system can help us spot the threat. Sure, the more eyes, the better. Just please remember that Metro PD is here to support. This is our show. No problem. And you're welcome. (chuckling) (crowd shouting, clamoring) MAN: Senator's out front. Make a lane. MAN: Folks, I need you to step back. They weren't kidding about the enemies! (woman shouting indistinctly) Thanks. WOMAN: You're a murderer! MAN: This way, Senator. Vega! VEGA: Halt! Metro PD! - MAN: Senator, this way! - MAN 2: Get the senator! (grunting and groaning) (grunting) (grunts) - Detective, watch out! - (train whirring) You knew that guy? Who was he? ARTHUR: Thank you for coming to me. I appreciate you calling. When we last spoke, you asked me to contact you first instead of Vega with any... interesting information. Well, I thought you were her CI. The confidential part was accurate. But no, I'm not part of the team. I don't approve of what they do. Well, that makes two of us. But I do look after them. Do you know these men? Henry Blomfeld, D.I.A. - The other man is...? - Tyler Reynolds. Chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. No wonder they gave you the big desk. Where did you get this? Let's just say my sister and I have been keeping tabs. Because your buddy Mr. Blomfeld just asked permission to go hunting for three batteries to power a new Precog milk bath. Well, if you think that I told him who you were... You wouldn't be here if you did. So why am I here? To stop them. You're in this with us, whether you like it or not. Take that to Senator Reynolds' office. Give it to one of his staffers. He won't keep you waiting long. - What is it? - Never mind that. The only thing the senator will ask is: "How do you make it go away?" That's when you tell him one of your Cis knows what Blomfeld asked the committee. If their hunt for the Precogs ends here, what's on this disk will never see the light of day. You want to blackmail a senator? No. I want you to. Don't worry. It's more common than you think. I'm a cop. Again, not breaking new ground. Have you stopped to think... why? Why is Blomfeld looking for you? You mean looking to enslave us. If Blomfeld needs your help, maybe, just maybe, there's a reason. Let's pretend you didn't say that. No, let's pretend I never came here. For your brother's sake. And don't contact me again. Ever. (door opens) My least favorite type of cop. Get me Deputy Chief Palmer on the phone. He owes me. Don't worry about Lieutenant Blake. We'll take care of that later. Deputy Director Blomfeld. Welcome to Thurn-Tippett. I imagine you're gonna need a drink after the day you've had. Of course, the upside is, here in civilian life, we can afford a better grade of whiskey. Thank you, General. Eh, old job. Call me Bridge. I heard that the intelligence committee stopped the check on your, um, fishing expedition. Their words, not mine. Something like that. Hmm, I take it you're not looking to transition to the private sector. No, actually, I-I don't think of the private sector when I think of Thurn-Tippett. You're more like the fourth branch of government. Except you're effective. You don't have to kiss the ring, Henry. We know why you're here. Even though Senator Reynolds got cold feet, you still want to find them. The greatest antiterror tool in history, sunk by public outrage over a procedural snafu. I mean, they never should have been entrusted to local law enforcement. Next time, we keep the civilians out. I'm listening. The question is what to do with the Precogs when I find them. Without the committee, there's no government support for long-term containment. A true waste. My thoughts exactly. Of course, Thurn-Tippett is only a contractor, so we couldn't possibly intervene in a government operation. However, if certain military... shall we say surplus? ... became available, that would undoubtedly be an asset we'd like to own. Undoubtedly. AKEELA: This was all that I could pull from the surveillance feeds. Look like your runner? VEGA: That's him. - Who is he? - Uh, space alien? AKEELA: There's no match to any record in the system. - That sounds familiar. - Akeela, what if you only searched faces with no recognition results? Say, the last seven days, across all cameras in the district. Smart, V. Let's see. Huh, this guy might not have any record in the system, but he is out there. Looks like his movement pattern shows four to five solid clusters, places he shows up frequently. A hospital, a high school and restaurants. What do all these places have in common? As far as I can tell, just our guy. - So who is he? - (cell phone beeps) It's Arthur. He's finally getting back to you. Does he have a name? No, he wants to talk. ARTHUR: I know why you wanted to reach me, but the last thing I'm going to do is help you save a U.S. senator, so let's just get that out of the way now. Why? This is the Senate Committee on Intelligence, touring the contents of a secret D.I.A. facility. We've been watching this location since I got the blueprints for the milk bath. Agatha. VEGA: It's good to see you. Wish I could say the same. Look familiar? They're coming for us. DASH: It's Blomfeld. He came by the precinct, vetting Hawk-Eye. He's looking for us? Requesting approval. Luckily, I managed to shut it down. For now. But you met the man... does he seem like a quitter? So what do you want me to do? Stop. This case. - And the next one. - Retire. I walked into an ambush. An intervention... you need to quit before you kill us all. I'm not gonna do that. The senator, the work she's doing, the law she's fighting for... it could be responsible for saving millions. I need to help. No. They're right. What? It's too risky. For all of you. Yeah... but without my visions... I'm still a cop, aren't I? Before we met, I thought having a Precog was the greatest tool a cop could ever have. I used you. You are so much more than that. You didn't use me. I volunteered, and we saved lives. Yes, we did, and when it was on the line, you saved mine. Both of you. You've done enough for five lifetimes. What are you saying? I'm saying maybe I need to get used to working alone again. And maybe you should start thinking about a different line of work. I have to go. She's right, Dash. You've done enough. I don't know about that. But definitely more than you two. Where's Vega? Uh... She doesn't know that I'm here. She didn't think it would be safe. - Safe? - Some D.I.A. agent is looking for us. Arthur wanted me to lay low. (scoffs) Maybe you should. Dash... They're my visions. And it's my risk. And I'm willing to take it. Are you gonna help or not? WALLY: See anything new? DASH: The senator and Shale we know. And that's the guy from yesterday. The man in blue. T-A-V-8. Some kind of acronym? It's a military aircraft, but look at the letters. Why are they blurry? We are looking at a homemade brain scan of a future vision. Beggars can't be choosers. No, it's not just a blur. It's... it's a double image. It's a reflection. It's not Tav 8, it's 8 Vat. 8 Vat Industries. It's the name of a commercial vat-grown meat distributor right here in D.C. I need to show this to Vega. WALLY (sighs): She's gonna be pissed. Well, she can do that all she wants after we stop a murder. (beeping) (knocking on door) (whispering): Were you expecting someone? Friends of yours? (knocking on door) Not exactly. Mr. Wallace? Norbert Wallace? Yeah. Henry Blomfeld, D.I.A. - May I come in? - Well, that depends. What's your trumped up pretext for being here? That's confidential. WALLY: What is this? Where's your warrant? BLOMFELD: Would you be surprised to know that your name came up in connection with a terror treat? WALLY: Terror? I'm a game designer. Oh, then you won't mind us having a gander at your system here. Actually, I value privacy. (Blomfeld chuckles) Is this an alphanumeric password? No biometrics? Biometrics have a nasty habit of encouraging bad guys to cut off the relevant body part. Well, there's also ways to find out passwords. Or you can make it easy. Try "I hate cops." But with a four for the "A" and a one for the "I." I'm not on any terror list. That's not why you're here. And, by the way, you should know you're messing with the wrong guy. (audio fading): Unlike most people you harass, I can still afford to hire a team of lawyers. I know my rights. (sighs) All right, Mr. Wallace. I'll level with you... the terror threat that I mentioned happens to be very real, but, no, your name did not come up as a suspect... I think you can help. - Help you? - All of us. I have access to the Precrime records. I know you worked there for the full duration of the program. You knew the Precogs. Sure. Like you can know a pet. I took care of them as bodies. I-I cut their hair and I brushed their teeth. BLOMFELD: You haven't seen them since? I was their jailer. You think they'd come to me? The answer is no. But I'd be the last person you'd tell, if they had. You're a technical genius, aren't you, Mr. Wallace? WALLY: Well, I can shut down a local ASIC node without consulting the manual, if that's what you mean. Have you heard of the group Memento Mori? WALLY: Sounds like a name I would remember. What would you say if I told you that we're facing a terrorist group who somehow made themselves invisible, despite the best efforts of government intelligence? Government intelligence... that's an oxymoron. Invisible? Not an e-mail. Not an IP packet. Not a single face rec ping. That all-seeing electronic surveillance state that you're so afraid of... they move right through it as if it wasn't even there. Now, they are planning something big, Mr. Wallace, and the Precogs could be our only hope to see it before it hits us. The last time men in suits wanted help from the Precogs, they were 14. They told them they'd be volunteering to save lives and that they'd only spend a couple weeks in the milk bath. Eight years later, they let them go. And if some had their way, they never would have freed them. I happen to be one of those people. I'm sorry. Wish I could help. Hmm. Have it your way. Search the place, top to bottom. Pack up all of his gear. You can't do that. This is a matter of national security, Mr. Wallace. There's really very little that I can't do. (electrical whirring and crackling) (crackling and buzzing) Induction coils in the door frames. In case thieves steal my equipment. Guess I forgot to mention that. But, uh, good luck with your investigation. Let's go. What are you doing here? Coming out of retirement. With the life expectancy at 104.5 years, my money's gonna run out by the time I turn 36. - Dash... - Henry Blomfeld was at Wally's. What? He is definitely looking for the Precogs, Vega. He thinks that we might be the only way to stop some terror group, Memento... Mori. Memento Mori. You've heard of them? Blomfeld mentioned some chatter. He said that they were planning an attack. What if it's true? What if he's right? What if we could help? - By coming forward. - It's a dangerous world, Dash. That doesn't make every threat out there your responsibility. - I stop one more. - No. I stop one more, and then I'm done. I'm out. For good. Let me worry about Blomfeld. I got a call from your other special friend. - Arthur? - Yeah. Charming guy. He thinks Blomfeld's looking for them. He's right. Well, you won't believe what he asked me to do about it. This is their lives, Will. Mine, too. And I won't throw that away. You think this is just a job to me? A fancy office? Blomfeld showed up at Wally's. Dash was there. How? - How did he find him? - He didn't. But the real problem is... Wait, that wasn't the real problem? The real problem is we don't know how close he is. How much he knows. Is he just fishing through old files, or does he really have a lead? - You have to ask him. - Me? - You, too, now? - You have a relationship... No. No, Vega, I'm not here to protect... I'm not here to protect Precogs. That's your job. We're in this together. No. I'm caught up in all this because of you. My job is to uphold the law, not to break it. - Well, I thought our job was to save lives. - All by ourselves? If Blomfeld is looking for the Precogs, he must think they can help. And if you're suggesting that we turn Dash in... No. No, I get it. He's your friend. You sing karaoke. But what if protecting him means other people die? Could you really live with that? Could he? That isn't gonna happen. Right. Because you say so. If you really want to protect Dash, tell him to stay the hell away from you. - How'd it go with Blake? - Better than expected. Akeela, what've we got? 8 Vat Industries, a sustainable purveyor of vat-grown meat. And this is a map of their distribution network. DASH: And look whose recent movement pattern it matches perfectly. Maybe our guy runs the truck. If so, he's scheduled to make a catering delivery tomorrow night, to Ventner Labs. Just before the senator visits for a photo op. That must be how he gets close to her. No. That's how we're gonna catch him. Bust in? Well, we can't just break in unless we see someone in distress. Looks like someone in distress to me. (device buzzing) (metallic ringing) (hinges creaking) ♪ ♪ So this is where meat comes from? VEGA: Yeah, it's hard to believe this stuff used to come from living cows, right? Look at this gear. DNA sequencer. Synthesizer. We just missed him. This book... What? What is it? It was in the package that came through the Sprawl last week. I thought we examined it. "A. T. C. G." That's DNA. He must be using this equipment to synthesize something. Memento Mori. This is bigger than just the senator. DASH: Stop! Stop! Get back! (whirring, explosive whoosh) (grunting, panting) ♪ ♪ Blake... Remember how I told you, if I found out info about the senator's assassin, that you could tell the Feds? BLAKE: Memento Mori. That's the symbol you showed us - at the briefing, isn't it? - You think this is linked to a threat against Senator Meizhou-Shi? Well, Detective Vega found this in the possession of our suspect. Goes by the alias Doug Hartsock, according to his employer. - He got away? - Yes. But we found a part of a DNA sequence. How did Detective Vega know about the suspect? Confidential informant. Well, you did the right thing coming to me. I'm gonna need a copy of this. Uh, sir? May I ask you a question? If Memento Mori stays off the Net, how do we plan to track them? You remember Precrime, Lieutenant? Of course. It was mishandled. That won't happen the next time. The next time? Do you mean you are looking for the Precogs? It means I'm keeping all my options open. Because I don't want the first thing we learn about a Memento Mori attack to be the body count. You really think it was safe to bring Blomfeld here? Well, if he knew Dash's face, he would've come - for him already. - DASH: At least this way Blake can warn us if he gets close. Assuming we can trust Blake. Like it or not, we already are. - What have you got? - Results from the crime scene sweep at the meat facility. One DNA match unaccounted for. Our suspect, - Mr. Hartsock? - Might be an alias. This guy's a doctor... Lionel Gray. - That's not him. - Weird, right? The picture's a few years old, but the DNA match is perfect. - He changed his face. - Could be. Plastic surgery. Extensive. And excellent. Okay, so who is he? Or... was he? Graduated summa cum laude from Harvey Mudd at 19, and then a biochem PhD from Harvard at 23. It says his wife Marie died before he finished his doctorate. - And then he left the country. - Took an assistant professorship at Seoul National University, where he pioneered new methods for genome editing with engineered nucleases. Okay, explain that to me like I didn't go to MIT. The same science the senator supports... he practically invented it. And then in 2051, at the ripe age of 36, he resigned from the university and dropped completely off the radar. To follow his dream of delivering - fake meat? - Or to have access to their toys in order to synthesize whatever that DNA code was for. My money's on a cute little puppy. Or a biological weapon. Or that. But unfortunately, most of the pages were ashes, so we don't get the whole sequence. Maybe we stopped him before he finished making it. - No. - You're still seeing the murder. Not as clearly. We intervened. That makes it harder to see how it happens, but I still see her die. What about Gray, the blue uniform? - Are you still seeing him? - Not anymore. He must get to her another way. Maybe we can get back to Wally's and scrub my brain again? No, it's not an option. Not with Blomfeld sniffing around. We just found a way to make this even tougher. BLOMFELD: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. I've come to learn that people don't like to deliver bad news in person. I hope this isn't an exception to the rule. You're right. I have another lead. Charles Peele. He used to work for you. Before he embezzled over a million dollars and disappeared. You caught him? Several weeks ago, he infiltrated a high-security D.I.A. facility. He accessed the blueprints for our photonic containment system. - The milk bath. - Mm-hmm. - You think he's a Precog? - Or working for one. He was gunned down by U.S. marshals before we could interrogate him. - Pity. - Hmm, maybe not. His last known location was an island off the Carolina coast... Fiddler's Neck. Neighbors saw him talking to a woman the day he disappeared. Blonde. Keeps to herself. They say her name is Agatha. Find her. (clamoring) (applause) All right, people, here we go. Not seeing Gray. (cheering) Thank you. Thank you all for coming. As many of you know, I am a religious person. And my church's position has always been that life is sacred. For hundreds of years, from Galileo to Ventner, this meant opposing science. But I'm proud to say that in recent years, the church has come to see just how much science can do to safeguard life and eliminate suffering for the weakest among us. And now I'd like for you to meet my heroes. Each of them is suffering from a genetic illness that this bill would eliminate. Now, it's too late for many of them, but these brave souls have dedicated their last months to ensuring others won't suffer as they have. VEGA: Lenses, show thermal. Agent Shale, do we have anyone stationed in the mezzanine level? Should be empty. That area's been secured. Vega, what is it? (Meizhou-Shi continues indistinctly in distance) (grunting) Shale, he's in. - He's in. - What are you talking about? There's a man here, unconscious. Looks like one of the patients. He must be in the building. - I don't see him. - All points, we're on high alert. The suspect may be in the building. MEIZHOU-SHI: And I believe you will, too. Far left, wheelchair. MEIZHOU-SHI: God bless you, and God bless - these American heroes. - It's him. - Get down, get down! - Grab him! - Whoa, no, no, no! - Grab him! DASH: No! I'm with the police. Move, move! Move! - Forgive me, Senator. - (grunts) - Get down! - (people shrieking) (grunting) Move, move! Senator, are you okay... are you hit? I'm-I'm fine. I... I think I'm fine. No. You're not. What, what? What is he talking about? Your eyes. Get her to a hospital now. Get me a secure exit. Go! Go! (door opens) The doctors are still trying to sequence the contaminant. Whatever it is, they're saying somehow it modified her DNA in real time. Permission to interrogate the suspect, Lieutenant. Not my call. Until my boss gets here. After you. How's the senator? You know exactly how she is. What did you do to her? Nothing... she wouldn't have done to millions of others. Others? She just wants to cure disease. We've all been there, Detective. A loved one gets sick, like the senator's son, every cell in our body wants to help them. So you tried to save your wife, you failed, and now you're mad at the world? If that makes it easier for you to understand. No. Your wife died years before you resigned tenure and disappeared. You wanted to keep others from suffering the same pain. Same as the senator. Oh, I don't blame her, Detective. She's just weak. We all are. Wanting to interfere with the inevitable. With death. Memento Mori. Latin. It means... Remember you will die. The early Christians used the symbol of the skull as a reminder that all things in this world are fleeting. - That the things we build... - That the things we build can easily destroy us. We won't be needing you any longer. Thanks, but I'll stay. At Harvard, our lab worked with Drosophila melanogaster, the common fruit fly. We were working on genetic change. Could have led to a vaccine for cancer. Just... ended it. Once and for all. - What happened? - Didn't work. It would have, but... I mis-entered the sequence. A single C instead of a G. I was tired. You must understand what it is to live your job night and day. - I do. - Instead of immunity to cancer, the flies passed it on to their children. Their life cycle is 14 hours. Each female lays 500 eggs. In three days, every fly on campus was dead. So you're doing this because you got sloppy in the lab - and killed a bunch of fruit flies? - Lab? No, this science happens at room temperature with six of the most common elements on Earth. This could have happened anywhere. So you're thinking is, if Steven's Law passes, a motivated high school student will be able to wipe out an entire species? No. Humanity. Those are the stakes, Detective. And you're thinking that by murdering a U.S. senator you can - get your point out. - I hope so. - For all of our sakes. - Well, you can see where the label "twisted" will precede "genius" in your obituary. Um, if you're recommending a publicist, I'm all ears. What's gonna happen to her? The viral vector that landed on her skin will change her pigment first. Carcinoma. Then deeper tissues. Her immune system will do the rest. Biology is so deliciously messy. How do we stop it? You don't. You can't. But if Congress moves forward with this bill after seeing what this technology can do, the senator's just going to be the beginning. Who else are you working with? Others with a conscience. Scientists. Men and women who truly understand what this kind of tampering with life can do. I'm not a monster, Detective. And believe it or not, I'm the one who'll save us from ourselves. (door opens) BLAKE: Vega. You need to see this. AKEELA: It's the senator. Her face. The viral vector changed the pigment. It was hard-coded to her DNA. She fell into a coma 20 minutes ago. Just the first, Detectives. I hope not the first of many. Andromeda, who is it? Agatha? They came to the island... Blomfeld and his men. They found you? I just barely got away. It's happening. We need to be ready. I saw it again. ♪ ♪ Put them in. Previouslyon Minority Report... Remember me? My name is Wally. I'm here to help. Blomfeld thinks we never should have ended Precrime. My agency had plans for them. This is what I've been seeing in my vision! A milk bath more advanced than the one that held us during Precrime. Memento Mori, he was planning a terrorist attack on the district. Coded message cards delivered to scientists, eachonestamped withtheanamorphicimage ofa humanskull. You've helped Detective Vega. From now on, you should be coming to me. I'll be in touch. Blake! (gunshots) You're one of them. He knows. I think he knows who you are, too. (groans) This changes everything. (whirring and clanking) ♪ ♪ Mr. Chairman. Quite the security setup, Director Blomfeld. No cavity search? I hope what I have for you is worth the inconvenience. Me, too. For months now, I've been warning the committee about the growing threat posed by Memento Mori. Ah, yes, the Loch Ness monster no one's ever seen or heard except in whispers. And we've given you carte blanche to pursue them with every tool available. So, what did you find? Nothing. Well, it's not a surprise. They distrust technology. They don't leave any online footprint. That makes them invisible to conventional methods. So, you've been at this almost a year, you know they're planning something big, but have nothing to help stop it. What's the good news? Well, Mr. Chairman, the good news is that we have a tool that we haven't used yet. A way to hunt this group without a byte of data. Of course, we're missing three very important things. ♪ ♪ (whirring) (indistinct chatter) (electronic trilling) One guess what's in that building. We need to get busy. DASH: There are three of us: Agatha,Arthurandme, Dash. Wewerecalled thePrecognitives. Wecanseemurders beforetheyhappen. Forsixyears, wewereheldagainstourwill andusedto savelives. Butafterthegovernment's Precrime program was shut down, wewerefinallyreleased. Wekeptourselvessafe andhiddenfromthe world, untilnow. ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ I'm hot just like an oven ♪ ♪ I need some lovin' ♪ (crowd cheering) ♪ And when I get that feeling ♪ ♪ I want sexual healing ♪ MALE VOICE: Note missed. ♪ Sexual... ♪ What? ! Note missed. What are you talking about? ! What do you mean, "note missed"? Song failed. Oh... Dash! Wow! That was amazing. I mean, oh, my God! That was so good! That's crazy. AKEELA: Dash, that was... Where did you learn to sing? Oh, come on, come on. Let's not get crazy here. All right, you took that very serious. Let's cue up "Big Pimpin'." I'm gonna show you people how this is done. No, no. Vega, buy you a beer? From my own fridge? Ooh, baller! (laughing) BLAKE: Yeah, come on. It's free. Akeela, start it again. I want to sing it again. Okay. I'm glad you stopped by. You know, you lied to me. You're still not off the hook. ("Sexual Healing" begins) I don't want off the hook. I want you on the team. Right. So... DASH: ♪ Baby... ♪ This is a team now? You know, you haven't thought this through. You're worried about your career. I get it. But this is a good thing that we're doing. That's not what I mean. Should a power like this be in the hands of a couple of cops? Listen, I have thought this through. This is not like Precrime-- we're not arresting people for something they haven't done. No, you're just seeing the future and keeping it a secret. Who else would you trust? DASH: ♪ Oh, baby ♪ I don't know. ♪ Makes me feel so fine ♪ I don't know. (sighs) ♪ Helps to relieve my mind... ♪ But sooner or later, somebody's gonna find out. MALE VOICE: Note missed. AKEELA: Uh, guys? Guys! Note missed. Wait, what's going on? VEGA: Okay, give him some room. (Dash gasping) ♪ ♪ (panting) Let's get to work. VEGA: Okay. People in suits, a crowd... BLAKE: "Tav 8"? What is that supposed to mean? DASH: I'm not sure. It was white letters against a blue background. Maybe a uniform? Net searches for "Tav 8" bring up results about an antique military aircraft. It's been retired for decades. BLAKE: Great. So we're looking for a time-traveling fighter pilot, sweet. Dash's visions aren't a police report. They're impressions. Not every detail is a smoking gun. Tell me about this one. DASH: This guy was twisting his wedding ring. I saw him moving through a crowd. It looked like he was trying to get away. The murderer? Maybe. This man dove to protect the victim. Hmm. Black suit. Did you see the killer's face? Not his, but I did see the victim's. AKEELA: Steven's Law. The Senate bill? That's Ellen Meizhou-Shi. She's a senator from right here in the district. I voted for her. We need to have a word with her. No, let's drop by Wally's first. BLAKE: If this is a threat on a U.S. senator, "Wally" better be the FBI. VEGA: Blake. Let us do our thing. We'll go to the Feds the second we know more. Besides, so far, we're having a better year than they are. (crowd shouting, clamoring) Because our children's future means too much to roll the dice. Pass Steven's Law. WOMAN and CHILDREN: Life finds a way. MAN: Excuse me. You must be Detective Vega. That's him. And that makes you Agent Shale, Homeland Security. Please, call me Aman. What can I do for you? Our Hawk-Eye systems identified an orange-level threat pattern based on a confluence of factors... We believe that the senator is in danger. That. Any specific threat? Well, we haven't worked out all the details yet. Well, unfortunately you don't need predictive policing to know that the senator has enemies. I mean, she's leading the fight to legalize germline gene therapy in humans. So many threats against her life, DHS assigned an agent to her. That's why I'm here. Germline. Yeah, the senator could probably explain it better, but it has something to do with tinkering with a baby's DNA in utero, thus stopping disease before it happens. Kind of like pre-health. But why would anyone have a problem with that? I ask myself that every day, Detective...? Lara Vega. My analyst Dash Parker. These technologies can prevent everything from MS to Parkinson's. But they also give people the power to tweak things for more superficial reasons. Perfect skin, eye color, the endurance of an Olympic marathoner. Some people think it's playing God. That's where most of our threats come from. Extremist groups. We've taken precautions. I wish she would take more. There are crowds and protestors everywhere we go. But the senator won't even consider cutting back our public schedule. Because my public didn't send me here to back down from a fight. They sent me here to wage one. Steven's Law. Your son. He was six. He died from a genetic disorder we could've prevented in the womb had this science been legal. I'm sorry. The gene that killed him came from me. I have to live with that. But I swore to make sure no other parent would ever have to. VEGA: So, this bill, uh, the vote's coming up soon? Thursday-- which makes the next two days critical. Couple of points of public opinion could make all the difference, so if you'll forgive me, I have to get back to work. Nice to meet you. Where's her next public event? Ventner Labs. Press conference here at the facility. So, if she won't cancel that, at least let us tag along. Maybe something from our system can help us spot the threat. Sure, the more eyes, the better. Just please remember that Metro PD is here to support. This is our show. No problem. And you're welcome. (chuckling) (crowd shouting, clamoring) MAN: Senator's out front. Make a lane. MAN: Folks, I need you to step back. They weren't kidding about the enemies! (woman shouting indistinctly) Thanks. WOMAN: You're a murderer! MAN: This way, Senator. Vega! VEGA: Halt! Metro PD! MAN: Senator, this way! MAN 2: Get the senator! (grunting and groaning) (grunting) (grunts) Detective, watch out! (train whirring) You knew that guy? Who was he? ARTHUR: Thankyouforcomingtome . I appreciate you calling. When we last spoke, you asked me to contact you first instead of Vega with any... interesting information. Well, I thought you were her CI. The confidential part was accurate. But no, I'm not part of the team. I don't approve of what they do. Well, that makes two of us. But I do look after them. Do you know these men? Henry Blomfeld, D.I.A. The other man is...? Tyler Reynolds. Chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. No wonder they gave you the big desk. Where did you get this? Let's just say my sister and I have been keeping tabs. Because your buddy Mr. Blomfeld just asked permission to go hunting for three batteries to power a new Precog milk bath. Well, if you think that I told him who you were... You wouldn't be here if you did. So why am I here? To stop them. You're in this with us, whether you like it or not. Take that to Senator Reynolds' office. Give it to one of his staffers. He won't keep you waiting long. What is it? Never mind that. The only thing the senator will ask is: "How do you make it go away?" That's when you tell him one of your CIs knows what Blomfeld asked the committee. If their hunt for the Precogs ends here, what's on this disk will never see the light of day. You want to blackmail a senator? No. I want you to. Don't worry. It's more common than you think. I'm a cop. Again, not breaking new ground. Have you stopped to think-- why? Why is Blomfeld looking for you? You mean looking to enslave us. If Blomfeld needs your help, maybe, just maybe, there's a reason. Let's pretend you didn't say that. No, let's pretend I never came here. For your brother's sake. And don't contact me again. Ever. (door opens) My least favorite type of cop. Get me Deputy Chief Palmer on the phone. He owes me. Don't worry about Lieutenant Blake. We'll take care of that later. Deputy Director Blomfeld. Welcome to Thurn-Tippett. I imagine you're gonna need a drink after the day you've had. Of course, the upside is, here in civilian life, we can afford a better grade of whiskey. Thank you, General. Eh, old job. Call me Bridge. I heard that the intelligence committee stopped the check on your, um, fishing expedition. Their words, not mine. Something like that. Hmm, I take it you're not looking to transition to the private sector. No, actually, I-I don't think of the private sector when I think of Thurn-Tippett. You're more like the fourth branch of government. Except you're effective. You don't have to kiss the ring, Henry. We know why you're here. Even though Senator Reynolds got cold feet, you still want to find them. The greatest antiterror tool in history, sunk by public outrage over a procedural snafu. I mean, they never should have been entrusted to local law enforcement. Next time, we keep the civilians out. I'm listening. The question is what to do with the Precogs when I find them. Without the committee, there's no government support for long-term containment. A true waste. My thoughts exactly. Of course, Thurn-Tippett is only a contractor, so we couldn't possibly intervene in a government operation. However, if certain military-- shall we say surplus? -- became available, that would undoubtedly be an asset we'd like to own. Undoubtedly. AKEELA: ThiswasallthatIcould pull from the surveillance feeds. Look like your runner? VEGA: That's him. Who is he? Uh, space alien? AKEELA: There's no match to any record in the system. That sounds familiar. Akeela, what if you only searched faces with no recognition results? Say, the last seven days, across all cameras in the district. Smart, V. Let's see. Huh, this guy might not have any record in the system, but he is out there. Looks like his movement pattern shows four to five solid clusters, places he shows up frequently. A hospital, a high school and restaurants. What do all these places have in common? As far as I can tell, just our guy. So who is he? (cell phone beeps) It's Arthur. He's finally getting back to you. Does he have a name? No, he wants to talk. ARTHUR: I know why you wanted to reach me, but the last thing I'm going to do is help you save a U.S. senator, so let's just get that out of the way now. Why? This is the Senate Committee on Intelligence, touring the contents of a secret D.I.A. facility. We've been watching this location since I got the blueprints for the milk bath. Agatha. VEGA: It's good to see you. Wish I could say the same. Look familiar? They're coming for us. DASH: It's Blomfeld. He came by the precinct, vetting Hawk-Eye. He's looking for us? Requesting approval. Luckily, I managed to shut it down. For now. But you met the man-- does he seem like a quitter? So what do you want me to do? Stop. This case. And the next one. Retire. I walked into an ambush. An intervention-- you need to quit before you kill us all. I'm not gonna do that. The senator, the work she's doing, the law she's fighting for-- it could be responsible for saving millions. I need to help. No. They're right. What? It's too risky. For all of you. Yeah... but without my visions... I'm still a cop, aren't I? Before we met, I thought having a Precog was the greatest tool a cop could ever have. I used you. You are so much more than that. You didn't use me. I volunteered, and we saved lives. Yes, we did, and when it was on the line, you saved mine. Both of you. You've done enough for five lifetimes. What are you saying? I'm saying maybe I need to get used to working alone again. And maybe you should start thinking about a different line of work. I have to go. She's right, Dash. You've done enough. I don't know about that. But definitely more than you two. Where's Vega? Uh... She doesn't know that I'm here. She didn't think it would be safe. Safe? Some D.I.A. agent is looking for us. Arthur wanted me to lay low. (scoffs) Maybe you should. Dash... They're my visions. And it's my risk. And I'm willing to take it. Are you gonna help or not? WALLY: See anything new? DASH: The senator and Shale we know. And that's the guy from yesterday. The man in blue. T-A-V-8. Some kind of acronym? It's a military aircraft, but look at the letters. Why are they blurry? We are looking at a homemade brain scan of a future vision. Beggars can't be choosers. No, it's not just a blur. It's... it's a double image. It's a reflection. It's not Tav 8, it's 8 Vat. 8 Vat Industries. It's the name of a commercial vat-grown meat distributor right here in D.C. I need to show this to Vega. WALLY (sighs): She's gonna be pissed. Well, she can do that all she wants after we stop a murder. (beeping) (knocking on door) (whispering): Were you expecting someone? Friends of yours? (knocking on door) Not exactly. Mr. Wallace? Norbert Wallace? Yeah. Henry Blomfeld, D.I.A. May I come in? Well, that depends. What's your trumped up pretext for being here? That's confidential. WALLY: What is this? Where's your warrant? BLOMFELD: Would you be surprised to know that your name came up in connection with a terror treat? WALLY: Terror? I'm a game designer. Oh, then you won't mind us having a gander at your system here. Actually, I value privacy. (Blomfeld chuckles) Is this an alphanumeric password? No biometrics? Biometrics have a nasty habit of encouraging bad guys to cut off the relevant body part. Well, there's also ways to find out passwords. Or you can make it easy. Try "I hate cops." But with a four for the "A" and a one for the "I." I'm not on any terror list. That's not why you're here. And, by the way, you should know you're messing with the wrong guy. (audio fading): Unlike most people you harass, I can still afford to hire a team of lawyers. I know my rights. (sighs) All right, Mr. Wallace. I'll level with you-- the terror threat that I mentioned happens to be very real, but, no, your name did not come up as a suspect-- I think you can help. Help you? All of us. I have access to the Precrime records. I know you worked there for the full duration of the program. You knew the Precogs. Sure. Like you can know a pet. I took care of them as bodies. I-I cut their hair and I brushed their teeth. BLOMFELD: You haven't seen them since? I was their jailer. You think they'd come to me? The answer is no. But I'd be the last person you'd tell, if they had. You're a technical genius, aren't you, Mr. Wallace? WALLY: Well, I can shut down a local ASIC node without consulting the manual, if that's what you mean. Have you heard of the group Memento Mori? WALLY: Sounds like a name I would remember. What would you say if I told you that we're facing a terrorist group who somehow made themselves invisible, despite the best efforts of government intelligence? Government intelligence-- that's an oxymoron. Invisible? Not an e-mail. Not an IP packet. Not a single face rec ping. That all-seeing electronic surveillance state that you're so afraid of-- they move right through it as if it wasn't even there. Now, they are planning something big, Mr. Wallace, and the Precogs could be our only hope to see it before it hits us. The last time men in suits wanted help from the Precogs, they were 14. They told them they'd be volunteering to save lives and that they'd only spend a couple weeks in the milk bath. Eight years later, they let them go. And if some had their way, they never would have freed them. I happen to be one of those people. I'm sorry. Wish I could help. Hmm. Have it your way. Search the place, top to bottom. Pack up all of his gear. You can't do that. This is a matter of national security, Mr. Wallace. There's really very little that I can't do. (electrical whirring and crackling) (crackling and buzzing) Induction coils in the door frames. In case thieves steal my equipment. Guess I forgot to mention that. But, uh, good luck with your investigation. Let's go. What are you doing here? Coming out of retirement. With the life expectancy at 104.5 years, my money's gonna run out by the time I turn 36. Dash... Henry Blomfeld was at Wally's. What? He is definitely looking for the Precogs, Vega. He thinks that we might be the only way to stop some terror group, Memento... Mori. Memento Mori. You've heard of them? Blomfeld mentioned some chatter. He said that they were planning an attack. What if it's true? What if he's right? What if we could help? By coming forward. It's a dangerous world, Dash. That doesn't make every threat out there your responsibility. I stop one more. No. I stop one more, and then I'm done. I'm out. For good. Let me worry about Blomfeld. I got a call from your other special friend. Arthur? Yeah. Charming guy. He thinks Blomfeld's looking for them. He's right. Well, you won't believe what he asked me to do about it. This is their lives, Will. Mine, too. And I won't throw that away. You think this is just a job to me? A fancy office? Blomfeld showed up at Wally's. Dash was there. How? How did he find him? He didn't. But the real problem is... Wait, that wasn't the real problem? The real problem is we don't know how close he is. How much he knows. Is he just fishing through old files, or does he really have a lead? You have to ask him. Me? You, too, now? You have a relationship... No. No, Vega, I'm not here to protect... I'm not here to protect Precogs. That's your job. We're in this together. No. I'm caught up in all this because of you. My job is to uphold the law, not to break it. Well, I thought our job was to save lives. All by ourselves? If Blomfeld is looking for the Precogs, he must think they can help. And if you're suggesting that we turn Dash in... No. No, I get it. He's your friend. You sing karaoke. But what if protecting him means other people die? Could you really live with that? Could he? That isn't gonna happen. Right. Because you say so. If you really want to protect Dash, tell him to stay the hell away from you. How'd it go with Blake? Better than expected. Akeela, what've we got? 8 Vat Industries, a sustainable purveyor of vat-grown meat. And this is a map of their distribution network. DASH: And look whose recent movement pattern it matches perfectly. Maybe our guy runs the truck. If so, he's scheduled to make a catering delivery tomorrow night, to Ventner Labs. Just before the senator visits for a photo op. That must be how he gets close to her. No. That's how we're gonna catch him. Bust in? Well, we can't just break in unless we see someone in distress. Looks like someone in distress to me. (device buzzing) (metallic ringing) (hinges creaking) ♪ ♪ So this is where meat comes from? VEGA: Yeah, it's hard to believe this stuff used to come from living cows, right? Look at this gear. DNA sequencer. Synthesizer. We just missed him. This book... What? What is it? It was in the package that came through the Sprawl last week. I thought we examined it. "A. T. C. G." That's DNA. He must be using this equipment to synthesize something. Memento Mori. This is bigger than just the senator. DASH: Stop! Stop! Get back! (whirring, explosive whoosh) (grunting, panting) ♪ ♪ Blake... Remember how I told you, if I found out info about the senator's assassin, that you could tell the Feds? BLAKE: Memento Mori. That's the symbol you showed us at the briefing, isn't it? You think this is linked to a threat against Senator Meizhou-Shi? Well, Detective Vega found this in the possession of our suspect. Goes by the alias Doug Hartsock, according to his employer. He got away? Yes. But we found a part of a DNA sequence. How did Detective Vega know about the suspect? Confidential informant. Well, you did the right thing coming to me. I'm gonna need a copy of this. Uh, sir? May I ask you a question? If Memento Mori stays off the Net, how do we plan to track them? You remember Precrime, Lieutenant? Of course. It was mishandled. That won't happen the next time. The next time? Do you mean you are looking for the Precogs? It means I'm keeping all my options open. Because I don't want the first thing we learn about a Memento Mori attack to be the body count. You really think it was safe to bring Blomfeld here? Well, if he knew Dash's face, he would've come for him already. DASH: At least this way Blake can warn us if he gets close. Assuming we can trust Blake. Like it or not, we already are. What have you got? Results from the crime scene sweep at the meat facility. One DNA match unaccounted for. Our suspect, Mr. Hartsock? Might be an alias. This guy's a doctor-- Lionel Gray. That's not him. Weird, right? The picture's a few years old, but the DNA match is perfect. He changed his face. Could be. Plastic surgery. Extensive. And excellent. Okay, so who is he? Or... was he? Graduated summa cum laude from Harvey Mudd at 19, and then a biochem PhD from Harvard at 23. It says his wife Marie died before he finished his doctorate. And then he left the country. Took an assistant professorship at Seoul National University, where he pioneered new methods for genome editing with engineered nucleases. Okay, explain that to me like I didn't go to MIT. The same science the senator supports-- he practically invented it. And then in 2051, at the ripe age of 36, he resigned from the university and dropped completely off the radar. To follow his dream of delivering fake meat? Ortohaveaccess to their toys in order to synthesize whatever that DNA code was for. My money's on a cute little puppy. Or a biological weapon. Or that. But unfortunately, most of the pages were ashes, so we don't get the whole sequence. Maybe we stopped him before he finished making it. No. You're still seeing the murder. Not as clearly. We intervened. That makes it harder to see how it happens, but I still see her die. What about Gray, the blue uniform? Are you still seeing him? Not anymore. He must get to her another way. Maybe we can get back to Wally's and scrub my brain again? No, it's not an option. Not with Blomfeld sniffing around. We just found a way to make this even tougher. BLOMFELD: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. I've come to learn that people don't like to deliver bad news in person. I hope this isn't an exception to the rule. You're right. I have another lead. Charles Peele. He used to work for you. Before he embezzled over a million dollars and disappeared. You caught him? Several weeks ago, he infiltrated a high-security D.I.A. facility. He accessed the blueprints for our photonic containment system. The milk bath. Mm-hmm. You think he's a Precog? Or working for one. He was gunned down by U.S. marshals before we could interrogate him. Pity. Hmm, maybe not. His last known location was an island off the Carolina coast-- Fiddler's Neck. Neighbors saw him talking to a woman the day he disappeared. Blonde. Keeps to herself. They say her name is Agatha. Find her. (clamoring) (applause) All right, people, here we go. Not seeing Gray. (cheering) Thank you. Thank you all for coming. As many of you know, I am a religious person. And my church's position has always been that life is sacred. For hundreds of years, from Galileo to Ventner, this meant opposing science. But I'm proud to say that in recent years, the church has come to see just how much science can do to safeguard life and eliminate suffering for the weakest among us. And now I'd like for you to meet my heroes. Each of them is suffering from a genetic illness that this bill would eliminate. Now, it's too late for many of them, but these brave souls have dedicated their last months to ensuring others won't suffer as they have. VEGA: Lenses, show thermal. Agent Shale, do we have anyone stationed in the mezzanine level? Should be empty. That area's been secured. Vega, what is it? (Meizhou-Shi continues indistinctly in distance) (grunting) Shale, he's in. He's in. What are you talking about? There's a man here, unconscious. Looks like one of the patients. He must be in the building. I don't see him. All points, we're on high alert. The suspect may be in the building. MEIZHOU-SHI: And I believe you will, too. Far left, wheelchair. MEIZHOU-SHI: God bless you, and God bless these American heroes. It's him. Get down, get down! Grab him! Whoa, no, no, no! Grab him! DASH: No! I'm with the police. Move, move! Move! Forgive me, Senator. (grunts) Get down! (people shrieking) (grunting) Move, move! Senator, are you okay-- are you hit? I'm-I'm fine. I... I think I'm fine. No. You're not. What, what? What is he talking about? Your eyes. Get her to a hospital now. Get me a secure exit. Go! Go! (door opens) The doctors are still trying to sequence the contaminant. Whatever it is, they're saying somehow it modified her DNA in real time. Permission to interrogate the suspect, Lieutenant. Not my call. Until my boss gets here. After you. How's the senator? You know exactly how she is. What did you do to her? Nothing... she wouldn't have done to millions of others. Others? She just wants to cure disease. We've all been there, Detective. A loved one gets sick, like the senator's son, every cell in our body wants to help them. So you tried to save your wife, you failed, and now you're mad at the world? If that makes it easier for you to understand. No. Your wife died years before you resigned tenure and disappeared. You wanted to keep others from suffering the same pain. Same as the senator. Oh, I don't blame her, Detective. She's just weak. We all are. Wanting to interfere with the inevitable. With death. Memento Mori. Latin. It means... Remember you will die. The early Christians used the symbol of the skull as a reminder that all things in this world are fleeting. That the things we build... That the things we build can easily destroy us. We won't be needing you any longer. Thanks, but I'll stay. At Harvard, our lab worked with Drosophilamelanogaster, the common fruit fly. We were working on genetic change. Could have led to a vaccine for cancer. Just... ended it. Once and for all. What happened? Didn't work. It would have, but... I mis-entered the sequence. A single C instead of a G. I was tired. You must understand what it is to live your job night and day. I do. Instead of immunity to cancer, the flies passed it on to their children. Their life cycle is 14 hours. Each female lays 500 eggs. In three days, every fly on campus was dead. So you're doing this because you got sloppy in the lab and killed a bunch of fruit flies? Lab? No, this science happens at room temperature with six of the most common elements on Earth. This could have happened anywhere. So you're thinking is, if Steven's Law passes, a motivated high school student will be able to wipe out an entire species? No. Humanity. Those are the stakes, Detective. And you're thinking that by murdering a U.S. senator you can get your point out. I hope so. For all of our sakes. Well, you can see where the label "twisted" will precede "genius" in your obituary. Um, if you're recommending a publicist, I'm all ears. What's gonna happen to her? The viral vector that landed on her skin will change her pigment first. Carcinoma. Then deeper tissues. Her immune system will do the rest. Biology is so deliciously messy. How do we stop it? You don't. You can't. But if Congress moves forward with this bill after seeing what this technology can do, the senator's just going to be the beginning. Who else are you working with? Others with a conscience. Scientists. Men and women who truly understand what this kind of tampering with life can do. I'm not a monster, Detective. And believe it or not, I'm the one who'll save us from ourselves. (door opens) BLAKE: Vega. You need to see this. AKEELA: It'sthesenator. Her face. The viral vector changed the pigment. It was hard-coded to her DNA. She fell into a coma 20 minutes ago. Just the first, Detectives. I hope not the first of many. Andromeda, who is it? Agatha? They came to the island-- Blomfeld and his men. They found you? I just barely got away. It's happening. We need to be ready. I saw it again. ♪ ♪ Put them in. [Justin Bieber's All Around the World] ♪ All around the world ♪ (male announcer) This is The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. ♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪ With your roastmaster, Kevin Hart, and starring Shaquille O'Neal, Jeff Ross, Natasha Leggero, Chris D'Elia, Pete Davidson, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, Martha Stewart, and Hannibal Buress. ♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪ ♪ ♪ All around the world they're no different than us ♪ ♪ The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. And now, please welcome your roastmaster, Kevin Hart. [cheers and applause] All right, hey. Y'all better clap. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Kevin Hart, and welcome to The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. Here's the thing, Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. I mean, most of them are either in middle schools or standing at least 500 feet away from one. I mean... It's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth. He's a worldwide superstar. There's even a wax figure of Justin at Madame Tussauds in London. It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it. He's face down in a wax Usher's lap. It's--it's weird. That's a dick sucking joke. We off to a start. Yeah. It's gonna get dirty tonight. Tonight--Here's the thing. Tonight we're gonna do what his parents and the legal system should have done a long time ago. We're about to give this boy a ass-whupping that he deserves. We are. We are! Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly? I don't understand that. I mean, come on, we got the right dais to do it. We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq. This is crazy. Usually, when I see this many brothers sitting together, Maury Povich is about to open an envelope. I've never seen anything like it. Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face. You look stupid. Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even end up on a roast? That's what I want to know. They must've called up the NBA pregame show and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy. "Wait, he's not available? Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then." My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is. Yeah. Wait, wait, let me clear something up for all the young people here tonight. Snoop Dogg is a rapper. Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper. You know-- For all the black people that are confused about that old white woman on the couch, that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there. That's Martha Stewart right there. Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate so we don't have no problems during the show. But, Martha, understand something. Tonight, it's about another blond bitch. It's about Justin Bieber. That's who we're talking about tonight. That's who we're talking about tonight. So now, why don't we do this. Why don't we go and take a look at his huge success that confuses everyone over the age 14. Roll security footage right now. Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views on YouTube, and he's only 15 years old. ♪ And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh ♪ ♪ Like, I thought you'd always be mine ♪ ♪ I'm gone That's how you do it. ♪ Find me somebody to love (female news reporter) Justin Bieber is one of the biggest pop stars on the planet. (Drake) Now I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage. He goes by the name of Justin Bieber. - Justin Bieber. - Justin Bieber. (Justin) I love you so much. [police siren blaring] (female news reporter) Speeding down the 101 freeway, pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police. (male news reporter) The Boyfriend singer had just returned home from an overseas concert tour when he began racing his Ferrari through the streets. ♪ If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go ♪ (girl) I think about him 99% of my life. I saw him in the car. That was the most amazing moment of my life. Best moment of my life! Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank would have been a Belieber. That's right, I didn't make that up. I couldn't have made that up. ♪ If I was your boyfriend Ow. (female news reporter) Bieber could face battery charges after a physical altercation with a photographer. What the [bleep] you say? (man) You watch it, man. - What'd you say? (man) You are [indistinct]. I'll beat the [bleep] out of you. (male news reporter) He was accused of throwing eggs at this mansion, causing $20,000 in damage. Were they Fabergé eggs? What did you throw? Whoo! (female news reporter) Bieber is facing multiple charges after a wild night in Miami Beach. DUI alcohol or drugs, resisting without violence, driving with an expired driver's license. You're too young to be smoking pot and driving up and down the highway fast! What are you doing? - Ah! - What are you doing? Whoo! I've done some things that might not have been the greatest. - Really? Nothing comes to mind. - I know, right? I don't know what you're talking about. (man) Justin Bieber has become the new face-- or should we say body-- of Calvin Klein. Yo, my pee-pee's in there. ♪ As long as you love The fanfare of what he is as a celebrity is only partial to what he ultimately will be as an artist. (Justin) This is not the end of Justin Bieber. ♪ As long as you love me [cheers and applause] Tonight--tonight, we're going to talk about redemption. [gospel organ playing] We're going to talk about second chances and third chances and 15th chances. Sometimes it can be hard to believe, but I'm not asking you all to believe. I'm asking you to "beliebe." Yes, yes. I'm asking you to "beliebe" in a man with the voice of Stevie Wonder and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder. My question to the church is, "Are you ready to beliebe?" [cheers and applause] No. No, no, no. I'll ask again. I said, "Are you ready to beliebe?" [crowd cheering] Are you ready to become Beliebers? [crowd cheering] Then, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber. [gospel music] ♪ (all) ♪ Got to Beliebe (Kevin) Yeah. ♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪ ♪ A Belieber out of me - Yes! ♪ When you Beliebe When you Beliebe ♪ ♪ You will be down, way down, on your bending' knee ♪ ♪ I'm gonna be a Belieber ♪ Till the day I die (Kevin) Yeah. ♪ Shout "I beliebe" from the mountain high ♪ (Kevin) Hey. ♪ Got to Beliebe. (Kevin) Hey. ♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪ ♪ A Belieber out of me Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We killed the white boy. The white-- Watch out. Watch out! Let me through. Jesus, no. (woman) Oh! (Kevin) Not like this. Wait, wait. He's moving! He's moving! [all cheering] [gospel music] (all) ♪ He's still alive, We thought he died ♪ ♪ You can't kill Justin Bieber no matter what you try ♪ ♪ It's time to go on with the show ♪ ♪ But you got to-- Got to Belie-e-ebe ♪ Yeah. Come on. ♪ Yeah, oh. Justin Bieber, everybody. [cheers and applause] (Kevin) Nice. How you doing? (Kevin) You're good? - Yep. That's good. I'm glad that you're good. - All right. - Here's the thing. Before we get off to any roasting and any digging, I want everybody to understand this, Justin Bieber really does have it all. I'm serious. He has a dick and a pussy. Justin, stand up. Pop that thing one time. Show 'em. Give 'em that hermaphrodite twerk one time. I've seen it. No? No? Let's be honest. Justin, you made a few mistakes. You're not perfect. He's done some things. Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket. Why are these idiots who work for you taping you pissing? That's what I don't understand. Like, when someone's filming you taking a piss, if you don't want them to tape you, you turn around, you say, "Turn the Goddamn camera off," unless it's mandatory like Snoop pissing in front of his parole officer. That's different, Snoop. That guy's got to see your dick. I get it. Don't worry about it. That's a criminal joke to Snoop 'cause he's been to jail. You were on the cover of Men's Health. He's getting a lot of slack for taking his shirt off all the time. I don't get it. I don't understand that. Justin, let me tell you something, man. Okay, if you can take your shirt off, you do it. You do it as much as you Goddamn can. Seriously. Look at Shaq--Shaq-- Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school, okay? That's a true story. That's a true story right there. Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool. True story. Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room. Stop, stop, stop. Don't get the wrong idea. She just wanted me to titty fuck her! Yeah! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stop. I'm just trying to loosen y'all up. I'm sorry. Martha, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is that gonna affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha? Please. I messed up my chance of getting free sheets, Goddamn it, Kevin. Me personally, I'm not mad. I'm not mad at Justin. I'm not. I'm gonna tell you who I'm mad at. I'm mad at his manager. You, Scooter. That's right. Scooter Braun right there. Scooter is the man that actually discovered Justin Bieber. Scooter Braun was 25 years old. He was a single man living in Atlanta alone when he found Justin Bieber on the Internet in the middle of the night. The middle of the night! He found a little white boy with nice hair on the Internet. Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick-beating session if you ask me. Now, I don't know where Chris Hansen is, but he missed one. That's a Goddamn predator if I've ever seen one right there. Now, Justin, unfortunately, Selena Gomez, she couldn't be here tonight. [audience "awws"] No, she couldn't. She couldn't... Just because she didn't want to come. There's no reason. She just didn't want to-- She didn't want to be here. I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don't. No, Selena got word that there was rumors of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner, and that shocked me. I was like, "What the fuck?" That's what I said. "What the fuck?" I was like, "If you're gonna deal with a Jenner, I thought it would be Bruce." That's what I thought. If it was-- Just one. I'm sorry. That's the only one. I swear to God, guys, no more. It's no secret that Justin wants to be black. Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the black culture. Everybody knows that. My thing is this, Justin, I just want you to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster. That's Justin's main problem, man. You're not a gangster! Accept that. I mean, come on. Orlando Bloom took a swing at you. That's not gangster, Justin. It's not! He's got a perfume called "Girlfriend." That's not gangster, Justin. You threw eggs at a house. Gangsters don't throw fucking eggs! Snoop, when the last time you threw eggs at somebody's Goddamn house? We don't do that! It's not gangster! Justin--Justin sang the N-word on a video in a song that was about killing black people! That's pretty Goddamn gangster, Justin, I'ma give you that. That's as gangster as you get right there. He actually got in a lot of trouble when he got caught saying the N-word on video. That right there, that should make you feel stupid. Reason why I say that, because you know who didn't get caught, Justin? The billion other white people that say the N-word every Goddamn day. I'm talking about you, Martha. I know you say it. You probably thinking it right now. "Look at--Look at that little nigger up there "in his little nigger tux. "With his little nigger shoes. Look at him, up there dancing." Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual-- I guess you could say, former childhood mistakes. You know, he hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you. He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey. Oh, shit, you did. You bought a monkey. And you abandoned the monkey in Germany. What the fuck was that? Like, you abandoned a monkey in Germany. That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your lifestyle, and then you dropped him off in Germany? Now that monkey's turned out in a Goddamn German zoo sucking rhino dick 'cause of your bad decision. It's not about the monkey tonight. It's about you, Justin. What I want you to do, I want you to sit back, relax, 'cause it's gonna be a great night, man-- Not for you, for everybody else. We're gonna have a blast. It's on! You hear me, people? It is on! (announcer) Coming up... - Cameras are here, Jay, go! (announcer) Natasha Leggero... - I'm about to kill it. (announcer) Pete Davidson, Shaquille O'Neal... - Full roast mode, baby. (announcer) Jeff Ross... - Getting in character. - I'm ready. (announcer) Chris D'Elia. - Is Ludacris ready - is what I want to know. - I'm 100% prepared. (announcer) Hannibal Buress, Martha Stewart, and Snoop Dogg. - Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty. (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. [techno music] Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight? [cheers and applause] That's what I want to hear. Okay, our first roaster is Pete Davidson. Now, he's the newest member of Saturday Night Live. This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page. Guy from New York, it's Pete Davidson. [techno music] ♪ Thank you. It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick. Wow. Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now. Kev, I loved you as black Annie. He was so good. Ludacris! I don't mean you. I mean Jeff's career. No, no, I mean, I've been watching these roasts since I was nine, and what's happening to you, Jeff? You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave. Martha, it's nice to see you interacting with black people for the first time since prison. That's really nice. Martha's so old, her first period was the Renaissance. What's up, Ludacris? What's up, man? You might know Ludacris from your mom's That's What I Call Music CD. Come on, let's hear it for Shaq, right? [cheers and applause] Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. [laughs] I'm sorry. [laughs] Please don't eat me. [laughs] I'm so afraid, you're so big. One of the many nicknames that Shaq has is "Superman," right, and much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter and has never met his real father. No, no, no, no. Shaq is cool, though. Shaq has shattered eight backboards and 79 cervixes. Hannibal--Hannibal Buress is here, everybody, Hannibal. Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby, right, and only for exposing Bill Cosby. No, he deserved it though. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences-- that Hannibal Buress would become famous. Snoop Dogg's here. Snoop, I love Snoop, you know? Snoop's son just got accepted to play division one college football. Yeah. So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son. And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know he has a son, Justin Bieber is here. Justin-- Give it up for him. It really is--it's really so cool what he's doing. You have no idea how awesome this is. My cast-mate on SNL, Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin. Perfect, right down to the clit. Justin has a lot of tattoos. You have "patience" tattooed on your neck, and "this doesn't count" right above his asshole. No, no, no, but Justin's fucked more models than bulimia. He's the only thing they swallow and don't throw back up. Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11, and I always regretted growing up without a dad, until I met your dad, Justin. Now I'm glad mine's dead. And now for the greatest transition in the history of comedy, two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right? [cheers and applause] Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane. All right, well-- No, seriously, Justin, I just want to say how cool it is for you to be doing this. Like, you're the dude for our generation, like, and it's just so cool to see someone our age do exactly what he wants to do, and you just, like, took over the world, and like, it really is an inspiration. This kid's fucking insane, so thank you, bro. [techno music] [cheers and applause] (Pete) I've always wanted to make fun of him because everybody my age likes him more than they like me, and that's not okay. (announcer) Coming up, Natasha Leggero. and Ludacris. Are you ready? (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. [techno music] ♪ All right. Our next roaster is a semi-famous rapper. I'm talking about Ludacris. His first album was called Incognegro, and his new album, Ludaverse, is hopefully his last. You may not recognize him from the Fast and Furious movies because when he's on-screen, even the white people start talking. Please welcome one of the most successful rappers of 2001, Ludacris! [Ludacris' Money Maker] ♪ Shake your money maker Like somebody about to pay you ♪ ♪ I see you on my radar ♪ Don't you act like you afraid of Shh... ♪ ♪ You know I got it If you want it, come get it ♪ ♪ Stand next to this money Like hey hey hey ♪ Oh, man. Whoo. Make some noise for Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause] I just recently got married. That's something to celebrate. And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed a miniature black man on my cake, so thank you for that. My good friend Shaquille O'Neal is here this evening. [cheers and applause] Look at those big-ass feet. Man, you got toes in different area codes right now. You do realize that, right? Shaq's fingers are so big, every text he's ever sent is just every letter of the alphabet at the same damn time. I'm just playing, Shaq, you know. You are truly one of the most original rappers. And by that I mean, most of your CDs are still covered in their original wrapper. You do-- you do know that? I believe the Doggfather's in the house tonight. [cheers and applause] Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just became a billionaire last year, and you should be proud. There's not a lot of black billionaires. There's Dr. Dre and the guy that sells you weed. Yeah. I mean, you are a legend, which is a nice way of saying, "You old as fuck." You only do it doggie style now because it's easier on your lower back. I see you over there laughing, Martha Stewart. What you laughing at, huh? She's so old, if you look closely at the $100 bill, you can see Martha photo-bombing Ben Franklin in the background. So let's get to the kid that I've known longer than anybody else up here, Mr. Justin Bieber. [cheers and applause] He may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be a baby to me since babies piss everywhere and never know when to shut the fuck up. I remember one day, I got this call saying, "We want you to collaborate with this little dude who will do anything to get famous," and I was like, "Great, I love Kevin Hart." You know? That's my guy. But this dude turned out to be Justin motherfucking Bieber, and together we dropped a track called Baby. [crowd cheering] It's got over a billion hits on YouTube. That's because I'm in it. It also has 4 million dislikes. That's because he's in it. It's like you try to roll like a gangster, man, but you're not tough, Justin. I'm here to let you know, man. I know you been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you. I mean, come on. But you've become a music icon like a modern day Michael Jackson. The only difference is, as Michael got older, he acted whiter. Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters, ladies and gentlemen. Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down, but since you want to be black, you might as well get used to it, man. No, honestly, man, it takes a very brave soul to get up here, and I just want to say, I love you, J.B. I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing. Y'all make some noise for my man, Justin Bieber. [cheers and applause] [techno music] ♪ All right. Hey, how about Ludacris? Come on, one time. One time. [cheers and applause] Everything I know about being a whore in the entertainment industry, I learned from this next roaster. And then the powers are exalted Doctor? Bogie's to frighten children, man! Come on, we have a chance of getting to the bottom of this business tonight. There. Watson! You all right? I felt to shoot but I couldn't. Come on. [howling]. My God! You believe there's any truth in these rumours? Look! What is it? Barrymore? It's not Selden at any rate. We were followed in London and we're followed still. Come on, let's get back to the house. What's this all about Barrymore? Sir it may... it may seem that we have betrayed your trust. Seem? Damn it Barrymore you have! Sir...sir no fault of his sir. He didn't want it it's me. It's me and mine. The poor creature came to me for help sir. How could I refuse after what they have done to him? So then Mrs. Barrymore I don't understand why should he come to a respectable woman? He's her brother sir. What? It's true sir. He dragged himself here half starved. And what would you expect? We fed him. We took food out for him sir, no more than you would for a dog. We hoped he'd go but the light has been there night after night. Is this true Barrymore? Yes sir. Have you any conception what this man did Barrymore? Yes sir. But he's a broken man. They done surgery sir to tame him. He's like a child sir. Please sir! Mrs. Barrymore please. Please get up. This is not dignified please. My dear. By your leave sir, arrangements have been made. He'll be out of the country in a few days. I beg you sir say nothing to the police. What do you think Doctor? You say he's harmless now Barrymore yet he threw a rock at us. As a child might throw stones sir. The murders are going to haunt him. He's a frightening baby now sir. This is an apt description. He will be harmless. Very well. Please take your wife to your room. We'll say nothing about this matter. Thank you sir. I thought we had a chance of getting to the bottom of this business. All we've seemed to have done is compound a felony. I'm glad though that you heard that sound on the moor. I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it. I was in the territories once. I've heard wolves up there but nothing to freeze the blood like that sound tonight. Are you convinced it's the hound? I am. I wish to God Holmes was here. Why does he not come? And yet Holmes when daylight and birdsong return the black imaginings of the night evaporate. Even Dr. Mortimer's assiduous visits, accompanied as they are, by constant talk of bones, or mortal residue, fail to sour the beauties of the moor in autumn. We are, however, still far from the heart of the mystery. The question, which most persistently nags me, is who's the man on the tor? With his identity known I feel we should have the key to this fatal riddle within our grasp. This is rather a nice piece of cloth. I think they... Meanwhile, I have discovered a streak amiable tender heartedness in my host. So guilty did he feel of nearly shooting his servant's murderous brother-in-law that he's given Barrymore many of his excellent American clothes. Determined, as he now is, to play the role of English squire in dress as in anything else. Much too American and I'm turning over a new leaf. You take it. Thank you kindly sir. Very smart Sir Henry. Yeah. Well I'm going to stroll up to Merripit House I thought I'd invite Stapleton and his sister rather I should say, Miss Stapleton and her brother to luncheon on Monday. Well I know you won't want me to come with you there but Holmes insisted that I... Now look here my friend, Holmes could not have foreseen certain developments. You'd make a very civil gooseberry but no, I'm afraid I have to go alone. London next stop. London next stop. Baskerville! Baskerville how dare you sir make advances at my sister in such a fashion. Jack! I'm sure the lady gave you no reason to presume upon her good intentions. We welcome you into our circle sir and you repay the hospitality by forcing your disgusting attentions upon her. No but I assure you sir my intentions are honourable. Away sir...away to the hall. Go on! Hello Watson. Where have you dropped from? I took it upon myself to follow you. I'm afraid my duty to Holmes overrode my tact. I see. Well, hope they're not selling tickets in Grimpen. I assume you saw what happened? Did he ever strike you as a bit crazy this brother of hers? Not particularly. Anyway, why doesn't he... What's he getting so heated about? What objection can he have to me as a brother-in-law? I mean he can't object to my worldly position so it's got to be me myself. Oh I don't know. Do you see it? Not at all. Nor me. Well thanks. He won't let us be together not for a moment. He must realize. You know what I don't understand there's a light in her eyes that speaks louder than words. I know it... I know it in my heart but he treats me as if I was a... if I was a mad seducer in an old melodrama. Oh it's absurd. Perhaps. What? I was just thinking that this business with the hound and the family curse and so on; if Stapleton partly believes it's true perhaps he might want his sister not to be... Yes I know. Just till the business is resolved. Yes, of course. Well shall we walk home together? The Royal Observatory please. I am forever in your debt. Oh no not at all. Well good day. Good day Sir Henry. Well well. What happened? Stapleton. I still think the fellow's crazy but he's just given me the most complete apology a man's ever likely received in his life and he's invited us to dinner tomorrow, Friday indeed. Good, I'll look forward to it. The post at Grimpen. Just so. Thank you sir. May I have a word sir? Of course. You...you've been very good to us sir and I should like to do the best I can for you. There's something I found out sir. Yes? We found it after the inquest haven't told a mortal soul, didn't know how. It's about Sir Charles' death sir. You know how he died? No sir. Well what then? I do know why he was at the gate at that hour. Why? To meet a woman sir. Woman? Are you sure? Oh yes sir. Well what was her name? I can only give you her initials sir. Yes there was something my wife found. She was cleaning out this very room, Sir Charles's study sir in the grate there she found this scrap of paper it was all burnt but well it could still be read. From the shine and the writing if you know what I mean sir? Of course I understand please go on. Well she called to me and I wrote it down. 'Please, please as you are a gentleman burn this letter and be at the gate by ten o'clock.' Then the initials 'L.L.' Good afternoon Doctor Watson. Mr. Frankland? Come along up I shall order you tea. Thank you. You're here to solve the Baskerville mystery are you not? Well I have a telescope. I see things on the moor surely you should know about them. A striking portrait! Huh? Lora, your daughter Mr. Frankland? Yes. Yes that is my daughter. The woman she has become is not! This way doctor. How's that? Disinherited her. Oh I'm sorry to hear it. You are, what do you suppose such a thing does to a father? This way. Married her seducer sir. An artist, so called, not that artist that artist earned his living. Her artist was to grand to earn his living. Artist? Wastrel Lyons, fellow called Lyons. Ever heard of him? No actually. Lora Lyons. Nobody has. After her money, my money. I was burned in effigy in Fernworthy last week. You predicted that I remember. Exactly so because I know the slackness of authority hereabouts. A case of Frankland v. Regina will bring the matter to all the attention to the public. I told the police they would have occasion to regret their treatment of me and already my words have come true. How so? I could tell them what they are dying to know. But you're not going to? Certainly not! Some case of poaching? Poaching, fiddlesticks! The convict sir, Selden, the mad stabber. You don't mean to say you know where he is? Near enough. It has never occurred to the police that the way to catch the man was to find out where he got his food and so trace it to him. Barrymore. His food is taken to him by a child. A child? Why not? I have observed the child for more than a week. It is in the nature of children to form perverse allegiances. But surely it's more likely to be the child of a moorland shepherd taking him his lunch. Flocks move. Quick, Doctor Watson quick! Yes I see him. Dr. Mortimer! Dr. Watson! I have something marvelous to show you. Isn't it beautiful? Splendid. The most complete of its kind I've yet found. I found it myself once more. The laborers aren't here today. It is quite, quite beautiful! If there's one animal on this planet, which I cannot abide, it is a rabbit. Really? Rabbit's burrow. Have you any conception of what a family of rabbits can do to the chronology of a dig in a single night? You were on your way to Necropolis. I could show you around if you like? The Necropolis? Most people think it a Neolithic village but I have reason to believe it a burial ground, some most interesting features! I shall be glad of your company, there is someone bivouacked near here. Who is it? It's the man who has been at Sir Henry's heels since he landed here. I can't think his motives are benevolent so if you come I shall be obliged if you bring that gun you handle so well. There may be some danger. If there's to be danger then two guns will be better than one. Yes. Do you know Lora Lyons? Old Frankland's daughter, yes, she's a patient of mine. She lives in Coombe-Tracey. He's cut her off you know without a penny. Do you know she was acquainted with Sir Charles? Oh it's possible. After her marriage went wrong she was able to set up for herself in a small way as a typist. Sir Charles may have made that possible. He was a man who fostered many good causes. She may have been one of them. What sort of a painter was Lyons? Oh brilliant. 'Dr. Watson is at Lafter Hall. Perhaps it is you who's been dogged by this secret man. Not Sir Henry at all. What do we do? I intend to wait. Lamp. It's a lovely evening Doctor. I really think you would be more comfortable outside than in. When I see a cigarette stub marked Bradley Oxford Street I know my friend Watson is in the neighbourhood. Be careful with that gun. I thought you were in Baker Street working on that case of blackmail? That's what I wished you to think. I've deserved better at your hands Holmes. You used me and do not trust me. Well my presence would have warned our very formidable opponents and put them in our guard. It was essential that you and Sir Henry believed me to be in London all the time and behaved accordingly. Doctor Mortimer. Mr. Holmes. How long have you been in Devon? Right after you saw me on my second night when I was foolish enough to show myself against the moon. All of my reports have been wasted. Not all of them you know. Here they are and very well thumbed I assure you. I had to subvert the local post office. Brilliant my dear fellow, brilliant! You must, I know, have much to discuss and I must be getting home. Please one question Mr. Holmes. Are you any closer to discovering what, if anything, the hound is? I am. Does it exist? It does. Thank you Dr. Mortimer. Mr. Holmes. Good day Doctor Watson. Thank you for your help. Now let me see what meager refreshment I can provide. Cartwright, the little chap from the express office, I brought him down with me to look after my simple wants. A loaf of bread and a clean collar. I've discovered that there's a woman living in Coombe-Tracey with the initials L.L. Awe yes Frankland's daughter, Lora Lyons. Our research has been running along the same lines. Did you know that she's seeking a divorce from her husband? But she lacks the means to carry it through. It is a costly business. Do try my stew. Awe, now Dr. Mortimer thought that Sir Charles might have been a discreet benefactor. Really? That's interesting. Please Watson. Its quite disgusting Holmes. Yes. Yes it is. Well it's better when it's hot. Did you know there was a close intimacy between Lora Lyons and the entomologist, Stapleton? No I did not. Yes they meet, they write. She's no doubt counting on becoming his wife. That is the most powerful weapon in our hands. How? I don't understand. Because Miss Stapleton is in reality Stapleton's wife not his sister. His wife? Yes it was she who sent us that warning to the Northumberland Hotel. Why this elaborate deception? Don't ask me the particulars Watson but it is murder. Refined, cold-blooded, deliberate murder. What led you to it? He is a genuine entomologist. But that mention of his sole, claim to fame, his discovery of a subspecies Lycanidi that was his fatal moment. There can only be one discoverer of a species. That pinpointed him. It has been a hard trail... (scream) Quickly. It's Sir Henry. It's Selden. Sir Henry's clothes were the poor devils death. Poor devil indeed. There's only a half-life in truth. No one must know for the moment. We must hide the body. Sir Henry must know nothing of hearing the hound. He'll have a better nerve for the ordeal he must undergo tomorrow. So this is Baskerville Hall? One moment please. Who? It's Stapleton! He's a Baskerville. Sir Charles' brother, who died of yellow fever in Costa Rica, did not die childless. We have him Watson, we have him. And I do swear that by tomorrow night he will be fluttering in our net as helpless as well as his own butterflies. I feel that Watson and I must go to London. London? I think we will be more useful there at this present juncture. Excuse me. Might I have some fresh coffee? Certainly sir. But I thought you were going to see me through this business? Trust me my dear fellow. I do. Tell Stapleton that I would have been happy to come with you but the urgent business requires me to be in town. I don't understand should I not come with you to London? Why should I stay here alone? No you must stay and do exactly as I tell you. Of course I will. Drive to Merripit House, send the truck back and let it be known that you intend to walk home. Across the moor? At night? If I had not every confidence in your nerve and courage I would not suggest it. It is essential that you do this. Then I will do just what you say. Take the path. Exactly on the path from Merripit House to the Grimpen Road, it is your natural way home. And when do you intend to leave? Immediately after breakfast. Thank you Barrymore. Sir. Mrs. Lyons? Yes. So you admit that you asked Sir Charles to meet you at the gate at ten o'clock but you say that you did not keep the appointment? I did not. You do realize that was the very hour of his death? Is that an accusation sir? No, no. I'm merely asking if you can forge a connection between the two events. There is no connection. Mrs. Lyons we believe this to be a case of murder and the evidence may implicate not only your friend Mr. Stapleton but his wife as well. His wife? Mrs. Lyons the person who has passed for his sister is really his wife. His wife? Mr. Holmes? Mr. Stapleton offered me marriage on condition that I could obtain a divorce from my husband. He told me... how he has lied. He has lied and lied and lied. Why should I preserve faith with him he never kept any with me? Ask me what you will. There is nothing I shall hold back. You have said sir Charles helped you to set yourself up as a professional typist, presumably that was after your husband deserted you. Yes. Sir Charles knew my father would not help me. One thing I swear to you, when I wrote the letter I never dreamed of any harm to the old gentleman who had been my kindest friend. I entirely believe you madam. And sir Charles used Stapleton as an intermediary? He did not like to be seen to be doing good. And the letter that you sent to sir Charles on the day of his death? I needed money for my divorce. I had heard he was leaving for London. And the sending of the letter was suggested by Stapleton? He dictated it. The reason he gave was that sir Charles would help with the legal expenses of my divorce. And he dissuaded you from keeping the appointment? And swore me to silence concerning it. He said that the death had been a very mysterious one and that I should certainly be suspected were the facts to become known. He frightened me into silence. A very fortunate escape Mrs. Lyons. You have been near the edge of the precipice. Students of criminology will remember the incidents in Grodno, in Little Russia, in the year '66, and of course there are the Anderson murders in North Carolina, but this case possesses features which are entirely its own. Dr. Watson tells me that you handle a gun. I'm a fairly proficient. Well it was you, who first, brought this case to our attention. Isn't it right that you'd be with us at the climax? Thank you. While Dr. Mortimer and I guard the path you watch the house Watson. I don't like it. There's fog in the air. It's in the hollows already. Be careful Watson. I'm so pleased you could come. It's a pity Dr. Watson had to return to London. Nevertheless I'm sure we'll have a pleasant evening together. If you'd excuse me for a moment Sir Henry. I shant be long. Help! Help! Please! Help me please! Sir Henry was still inside the house when I left. It's getting late. You said Beryl Stapleton was not there? No. I cannot think where she might be and there were only 2 places laid for dinner. That fog is getting thicker all the time. Courage Sir Henry! Brave it. It's coming! You're a brave man. Doctor? It's all right Sir Henry. It's all right. The hound got past us now if you can manage it we must get back to the house as soon as possible. Phosphorus? No. Sir no. Sir. I protest sir. Sir you are not allowed. Watson? Stop sir stop. The door's locked. Help! Help me! Help! Please help! In here! Help! She's badly hurt. The brute. You're all right. I thought this man loved me. He loves nothing! Where is he? The police have... He escaped. He'll go to his island in the mire. I must take care. Great care. No. No. Help me. Please somebody help me! Help me! Holmes had established that Stapleton had bought the dog from Mangles of the... Ross and Mangles of the Fulham Road in London. Ross and Mangles of the Fulham Road in London. He took it on the north Devon line and walked a great distance over to the moor to his home, as we know he eventually kenneled it at the heart of the Grimpen Mire. Of the Grimpen Mire. How on earth did he expect to claim the inheritance if this creature had mauled Sir Henry to death? Mauled, very good word Watson. Through intermediaries Baron Stapleton said that he intended to return to Central America and conduct his claim upon the estate from the depths of Costa Rica. Having established his identity as a Baskerville through the British authorities there. Of course he had no interest in the estate. He simply wanted the money. What about the boot? He stole the boot presumably to have an article of Sir Henry's clothes and to set the hound on him. That is why the new boot would not do. Sir Henry had not worn it. Watson we are late. I have tickets for Les Huguenots at Cover Garden. A little dinner at Marcini's on the way? Wonderful Holmes! Paper, paper. Who wants an evening paper? Monitoring via NAS 02.32 GMT on Spain. Will be no transmission to reach the target, Understand? Understood JTE-471, 02.33 GMT.. Black Eagle Here blow against one leader, Here we go. - Rapid Angel start out - Understood. - They saw that! Will keep them awake. - Perfect. Rotation. - Falcon start taxiing and deployment - Understood. Impeccable. Lock download eggs around. Understood. - I want to see a beautiful bombing - Understood, observe Battle Group remote follow all fire two more. Understood 6 units out and hit all targets on first pass This already belongs to us. Operation regular intervals and initiate the return, guys. Hitting secondary objective to return. - What was that - Fire below? . That defeat any missiles that nest at bay. I can see Give me ten seconds.. - Head combat leader - leader here.. - My birds are on the side objectives. Comes another missile Banish those missiles send projectiles heat. - I got - Can you reach the coast, Rapid Angel! ? I'll try, but lose strength . - Now Preclude missile that nest - I lost my man both.. - Rapid Angel, where are - Rapid Angel goes to the northwest coast. Rapid Angel, attempts to stabilize Sicily, Malta also or 6th. fleet. - They have rescue - Understood.. I'll try leader. - I make it, go with him. - Do not lose it, Hawk. - I lose fuel - Do not miss Falcon. Captain. I reach land see someone I still lose power.. - I lose power - I lost it.. Was your boat in your place during this attack? It was 10 kilometers west because the 6th. US fleet I'm not the minister of naval affairs, captain. With a yes would have sufficed. I point drop American aircraft. I can estimate the position of the ship within 5 kilometers. You have to. - Maybe you want other clothing - Captain, we have little time.. Have to figure out how much they know the Americans. - I lose fuel - Do not miss out, Falcon.. - Reached see land. - Someone following me, I lose power. - Lose power - I lost it fell to the water. A F-111 50 million. Lost much more than that, Henderson. Three of those planes carried laser guidance systems, top secret With our luck one of these babies, is at the bottom of the Mediterranean Now we place we put a sign in sector 3 miles south of Malta Malta I like this time of year. Not if Soviet spy ship Leontiev prowling around. Fishing should be good bet find that F-111.. I just want to know because the Leontiev no longer following the 6th. fleet. Only tracks the aircraft Steve not play the hero. We all are, Dean. Why we love them. Is it the best? - The best available - Explain The best man for this job is Ken Tani. His secret name is Black Eagle, but is on a mission. No matter what it is, call Not available. Every year this month has two weeks to see their children. Is the only chance to see them , that was the deal. - You can Watch Later - Want you tell? I do not want to say anything Dean, who is present now.. Soon, call Patricia Parker. Listen guys. She is Patricia Parker take where your father. Your you must be Denny. And you Brian. I am to be meet his father but now in a project in Malta. Pack up your things. There's a plane waiting for us. 'm Father Joseph Bedelia. I must meet Caraldi Msgr. Monsignor not be with us today. I have a bottle of white wine unless you prefer coffee. What the hell do you want? How will your research project Malta gives you enough help? Finish with all this makes clear 12 years. 14, something happened. I do not even want to know am a priest.. And oceanographer working for the University of Georgetown. You the Jesuits are well cared . Search for other Rickert. His name is Ken Tani For this purpose will a marine biologist at the University of Hawaii . Will you never leave me alone? Maybe we'll get lucky, I have another man on the scene. Maybe you do not need neither you nor Tani . Come on! Súbanlo aboard! - Who sent you over here - Fuck. Captain! Back. Back Do you enjoy wasting your time? Wasting my time ? ! I was in town! And what has You know who and what he wants. - Do you feel pain - Fuck. Captain Because your doctor is not here.? Captain, what the hell. How often time should lie for a man like him? She was not alone. Take out the body of here soon! Maybe you could tell me why I was removed two days earlier? - You're not going to New York. - Whatever it is is not. You are planning to Malta. Remember our deal, I have 2 weeks off. Here is information X-1 laser system. - Read it and destroy it... - I want nothing! - I must be with my children - We know where the plane fell.. Just get there, take guidance system in and out. Do kidding, Dean Malta nothing is that easy? . This place is saturated with spies everywhere. Add to that the Russian ship the Leontiev. And you want to put me in the middle of it must be crazy.. I will meet with my children. - That's exactly what you'll do, Ken - I recognize that voice.. Your children are already in Malta. Staying in the Hotel Dragonara Palace. Your luggage and are also registered yesterday. Brian. - I think Dad is not coming - You're wrong.. He's just busy. He is always busy. Try to have fun, well Can we go see the statues of the museum.. Magnifico. - Consider the parade - Magnifico. Control Center Malta. I have a plane not identified at 25 km. Luca east, due west unidentified aircraft northeast of Malta. Log. Unidentified aircraft northeast of Malta. Log. The unidentified aircraft is 16 km West of Luca and still going west.. Unidentified aircraft northeast of Malta. Log. Open the parachute Now, Hell! The unidentified aircraft heads out to sea. Central police please. Hello, Chief Inspector Borg. Okay. You will be given the location send Sergeant people. One moment. Let's get out of here soon. - Already Father Joseph - There are clothes in this bag? . Credit cards, passport, and some other gifts. Rickert said there was another man, Steve Henderson. The should put a detector in the Leontiev. Rickert gave me a assistant to monitor the transmission. - What happened to the - Nothing, still nothing No one saw Henderson. I'm Officially oceanographer specialized in underwater currents. - After - We'll see.. Tani Doctor? - Do you work for the Father Joseph - only for now. Working for Mr. Rickert My children are here. Have their itinerary, they are in the Medina Museum. Here you can see Jean Parisot de La Valette , who defeated the Turks 1565. - This captain is named - Dad.! How are I'm glad to see them? . Within two. - How long you wear glasses - silence. - Do you remember me? Patricia Parker. - Dean's friend. The tour ends and You better leave.. Everyone expected hope your work has not been very difficult. - We have been here two days, dad - Sorry, I was busy.. Let's have fun - No is our driver! . For if we have any problem Remember how is Mr. Rickert? - Very good. - I reviewed the area - Just trust me. - Also are my children - Excuse me, children can wait for the car.? Let's get something Tani. I've been eight years with the Company, traveling around the world. My hands are very dirty and never betrayed the Company. - You want an increase 're talking to the wrong man? . - I want you to stop bothering me. It was not my idea to bring your children to this island . But while they are here and I also 'll do the best I can. - Daddy, Daddy. Can we take it to the beach? Take diving lessons, have not you Brian? - Denny's great - Brian is better.. Lets go! The three. Well... with Miss Parker too. - I can not go now guys. I wish I could. - No. - Dad. As soon finish what I have to do, do something together. Maybe tonight we dine what do you think guys? - Come on, we'll think of something... Can you show me where think the plane went down? - What we reported - No need to. - Doctor Tani, you might want to see this - I'll wait in the boat. - Who is - Vladimir Klimenko, KGB Colonel? . Head of sector came two days ago operates from Leontiev. Care, professor is a dangerous spice. According to computer graphic this is where the F-111 fell. I have the large scale map with the coordinates. Depending on the level of descent and speed, Impact occurred within this area of 5 km The presence of Leontiev confirms the information. We know the currents and tides of this area and are usually quite turbulent. This allows us to reduce the area by 47% giving an extension of 2.8 Km - I'll go there TURNS 3.3.0.. 100 meters. Not receive anything from the plane's emergency transmitter submerged. - I'll help with the tank - Do not need it.. Be fishers of Japanese pearls decrease the pulse to be underwater. Then me explain that. She is an investigator is helping the Father Bedelia Georgestown University. Do you frequently operate in this area? Captainhaveadiverin zone 20 meters ahead . Want arm depth charges? I will decide then We'll go now. You've been here long? Like this? Now if. Andrei! Bring your camera. Hey, Leontiev! Hey, Leontiev! Get away! Are you sure you do not need help - We're fine thanks? . Who is it? My research partner, Dr. Tani . Look at this! We visits. - Any marine life - Nothing interests you? . Not reached market size clear that... these waters are not characterized by high productivity. From as 60 years intensive fishing has been an important trade factor in economic life - In the last 25 years... - Thanks for the information. You'll know the fisheries ministry. Unfortunately the minister takes too long to take action. - What it is your Father project - currents? . - Currents... know the waters here - Excuse me! Can you know a project that made for the Congress in Stockholm 83 I'll be sure to read and write have found about your current? I be able to tell when compare my information. - By then you will no longer be here - you will know how to find... Machines in reverse! - Speak softly - For God.. - The crew did not believe us - They're suspicious.. Are roughly 5 km away.. - What's the elevation - 60-66 meter You found the plane can get close enough... Without that "fishing" boat nearby? . - Could you get me a torch - I have to ask Rickert He give me. - The name is Bedelia - Bedella? . Bedelia, Joseph. Born in Connecticut Meridan. graduate of Fordham University. Contactless But intelligence? He served in Vietnam 1970-73 entered the seminary in 1974. He was ordained.. Now this. - Kenji Tani, born in Japan... - I read it. Not much information. Back to my base men can still lose. To explore where we saw the Japanese His own people gave this sector. My own people are not now same in this scenario. Contact the embassy. Want a surveillance team when he returns Bedelia. You know where to find me. Come to my mother's house I have everything I want. - Daddy, Daddy that was great - I was lucky.. It was really your brother which did well. - What could you do better - I really wanted.. - I did not know usteden play football - three years ago that game.. What happened to gymnastics and karate - Mom did not like? . - But we still do well. Mira. Okay! - That sucks want to see something good.. Mira. Wonderful. - Ha ha ha - Hey, stop it Denny. I teach. Shoulders should relax and concentrate. Let me help. Ready... Now! Okay! When you're ready to throw yourself back you stop... and worry... why you can not do. - How do you know - Well, oddly enough Won a tournament once. - That must have been long - Yes, long time.. It was at the time when my father told me Black Eagle. The Black Eagle has always care of our family. If we look, we will find within ourselves . Y can take us wherever we want with wings of destiny. - That makes no sense... wings destination. They have to make it make sense to you . They have to have the will and the desire to bring to life. That's pure science fiction. It's fate. We must stop at the Palace of the great masters. Should we? If we are. This is the palace of the great masters and was built in 1574. Here is the statue of Neptune. Follow me and teach them the rest of the palace : also see the dining room phones and cameras tapestries. All weapons and armor are the original were used in the great site to Malta in 1565 by the Turks. - We had fun with you dad, - But I have to do some things. The problem is that I have to do tomorrow. If all goes well, my time is just for you. - You promise - I will do my best. I promise. We company one with mustache, one with a beard.. Let's go and Peter handle this. Rather I do I will stay with the boys.. - Look at those guys - Excuse me! . - Hello. Where is Dad - We reach then. Let's go to another room... - He and his promises. - There's your father - What happened dad.? You disappeared. - I had to make a call - Could we go back to the beach.? Tomorrow will go to hotel go to the beach. - Accompany us - Come on, of course. Alto. Put the tape of the palace. Patricia Parker, born in 1960. works for the CIA since 1981. Assigned to escort duties and mail. Handles handguns, cars, ammunition, explosives , electronic communications. I do not think that is important. No, but we know it if it is. How are guys must be tired? . Not we go to bed so early . - Tomorrow we'll have a great day - Do all together.? We have to get up at 5:00 am and be out of the hotel at 6:00 am. It is very early, they can. We can stay here. And that will bring Patricia math problems. Can you tell me more about the Black Eagle ? Well... according to our ancestors the Black Eagle is part of our heritage. 's Like our sixth sense a key part of our mind seems closed to us. - When you go home... Bad Guys... here I come! We can not use the Black Eagle to sometimes meaningless. Must be useful for us. To do good and help to next to us. We must be worthy of the Eagle and the help they provide. I knew there was a There is always a trap. Hey, look at this. Inspector Borg Can you tell us something of the victims. Apparently one of the men was of Russian commission. That was in town for a few months. The other was a member of vessel's fishing gear Leontiev. Tells something Inspector the two men both Russian died violently in the same neighborhood and minutes apart. I'm not very bright to deductions. Sorry. This case has drawn the attention of the Inspector ... - That was interesting - Come on.. We need to rest. Good night. - Dad How did you come to the island - By plane, like you. See you tomorrow. - Peter take care of the kids - I'll go somewhere ? , both go there was a message at the reception for my I go to the casino tonight at 9.:. 00 pm I do not know who sent it. Let's find out. You can not conceal a weapon that dress. I have a Beretta 25-gauge and can shoot it in less than 1 second. - We'll have to play something - Why should I bother.? You have no choice, could return to Kalanka. Let's spend some money Company. In Langley first thing they teach us not complicate things. No one has to read my damn manual. But as for Rickert the rules are changed. The Denny and put Brian on this island. The only thing that interests me is that out how they got here: in one piece. Let me buy you a drink With the money from the Company.. - Sorry - No. I like to think I am very professional for that kind of garbage. I like to think you're a decent human being not think that way. Here they come. Come on, Andrei. Is your game. Part of the project Doctor Tani? - You're the captain Klimenko - Colonel? . - Miss Patricia Parker - I know a few things about it. It is not easy to find a woman who does 96 hits in shot at Langley. And also possesses triple A1 license as radio operator. Should you confuse me with another, Colonel. Match, Colonel? I do not play teacher is against logic take risks unnecessary having little chance of success. Number 14. partall red. - What do you think? We are fortunate. - Of course. They bet on red. - Go back to the hotel. - Won - is the best time to retire. Besides, I recognize a warning. - Want to see children - No, I'll do? . - Would you accept a cup of tea - Well? . Take the kids We're out of here! - Down children - One moment I see that there are no problems.. Now I can not stand it. - I'm afraid - Calm down, do not panic. Quick, everything is ready. All right, all agree. Dad? - Go with Peter, Brian. And rest. - Someone wants to hurt you? I'm working for our country seek something that is very important.. Some people do not want you find it, right? Y are not bad people, right? Maybe they think that we are, Brian. - There are many things you do not tell me - There are things I can not tell you.. Understand this child. Good night dad. Good night. Tell Rickert that no matter who they are... but I want people here to watch my children! There is a problem have moved to Leontiev.. This anchored right where dive today. Is reliable information. I knew that. I'm trying to understand A priest involved with Rickert.. Rickert takes advantage of any who can throw the glove. I wonder how he came to you. - It's late, you have to sleep - Hey, this is more important.. Have you heard of a place called Vietnam ? It was there that he met Rickert. I was in a demolition team Navy. Rickert made transfer to its exclusive group of murderers. It took four years, but could wriggle out of it. I ran away and hid in the seminar. I became a priest. At least so I thought. Damn, never released. This will move the boat You know why? It's not going to moralism. This small device is the price of his soul. Must be hard to be a priest. I call me priest. 'm Just a guy trying to help. Will you be in the boat? Lino will gather I made arrangements to make them a mass.. As you will understand should be commended sir. That can wait until you have the laser system aboard the submarine. It has been a change must deliver the device in Gorky.. I can not accept it. Americans would have no objection to fly a fishing boat. The Gorky is a fishing boat 10,000 tons. 's Almost a luxury ship. I'll take care of that. Come guys. Iran will do a deal with Peter. He did well Is it another of your talents? No. I produced horror height. Watch not worry about me, you take care. Dean sent to people. No nobody wanted to occupy the embassy. I'll take care of your children. How to tell? Father Joseph only wants samples. Look there are his bottles. Come on. - You okay -'m still alive thanks to you. - We have to go - Father Joseph is waiting! . There's a secret entrance. - Look for it near an entrance to Rocky - There is.. - Welcome to our underground - No graffiti. Give us time. Father. My dear mother enjoyed service today. Thank you give his blessing Father. Father... You had not thought I would not have hesitated for a second. Is up those stairs. God bless you daughter. Thanks, sorry I must go. Ken. Ken. Tani! - Here I - Come on.. I was very close to you 's funny I did not feel or hear anything.. That figured. Rickert sent me! The came to see you this morning.. We'll go to the beach. Your father can take care well, Brian. Is this what you do, things like this? Vamonos and You work with him.. Please... Brian. Worry only that, their jobs nothing else matters. Much more care. The people who work and also the country. Your father loves that's very important. - But where is - Doing the best for you and Denny. Please... Brian. Here comes. Hope you have a souvenir to take home . Only one. - Guidance systems of missiles A2 - Damn I want to Rapid Angel. Russian also forced the compartment was empty.. - Is still on the island - Did you Klimenko was announced? We intercepted a message Gorky has orders back to Odessa just let the dam here. You're just speculating. Rapid Angel could go in a diplomatic pouch way to Moscow. We each covered plane in this area, if Klimenko located Rapid Angel will put aboard the Gorky. This one transferred to a submarine in the black sea. - Whence come the submarine - Odessa? . Even We have not here two days.. My treatment was the F-111 and already did. - The work was half done - you will inform me how it ended.. - Dead people Curse - Tell me about it! . I killed 6 Tell your man to drop his weapon , Rickert. I am a man of peace, not want to let his black eyes. Come on. - What do you want - I love my children away from here. Let bastard, they are innocent, and you got me here. Begins two Take them face.. You know what would happen if we do not stop Klimenko. You no longer have time for this. Okay, fly me protected night and day.. Iran anywhere Rome, London, New York... They will be in Fort St. Michael Today at one.. Call the embassy. Seen by children. Say to collect their luggage. Do you want to make another boat ride? Guys? We collect everything. Come on. Thewalkaims you enjoy a moment of relaxation Andtheyalsoenjoysome interestingplaces Malta Only the bow is. Here come We.. Almost there so close.. That great merchant to the left is the Gorky. Security measures are very strict. What happens Children? Peter, ahead of that car. Came a white car that was behind Also happened? Yes. Guys, I want you to crouch. Brian, do it now. I think we have company. You said you were driving, let's see. - Take care of the back - Put the gun down! . Now! Out! Lower the car Let move! You son of a bitch. - Miss Parker Tani want to - I want it.. Walking, come on. Go to the strong outside Medina talk to Klimenko.. - What happens? Why they cry - are very scared trying to calm them. - Oh God, I think going to vomit. Follow him, do not escape! You'll see, sorry Someone following me! Doctor Tani. I wonder what you can tell me this. None. Left the hotel room And the window was broken.. I paid for it. There are a number of bodies in the morgue I could see. - Do not recognize - Do not you do it? Where are your children, Doctor Tani? Are you okay, Brian? - What did you tell the police - Nothing to talk to you Dad? . Well you have done. - You know where they are and Patricia Denny - yes. What does it say? - Who wants to go to the bathroom - It will not be the only thing to get wet, come on. - You stay here - I will not jump. What was that? No... very thin. You can disembark beyond. How well I thought. What were you doing Just create problems. That's the last time understand? Do not move, Denny. - Where's Denny - This here. it's okay. Soon Take us out of here.. - Dad, when will you come to Rome - Soon? . - Make it fast. - Let me help you with my Japanese - have a terrible accent Yorker. Talked to Dean free you.. - Where would you go - will go to research to Gorky. I'll take care of that. Here we are. - I did not need to accompany me - Priests always Have risked their lives. Always I fled and that's it. - I have not checked these men - It's late, do you want us to sail at 10pm.? - The need them all, all - Okay, but it's your responsibility.. If you are going to sail it is because Rapid Angel must be on board. - No time -. We will take time. I'll go captain's cabin do what you can to slow them down. Circuits will review navigation. What makes here Hands up! I think now know we're here. No, I do not think. We will find tomorrow.. - Where are we - I'll leave you here. Lino Tell the port at 20:30 hrs is . - And I - You've done a lot? . You can not take care of Klimenko and his people only is a problem of speed and coordination.. A person, just a margin of error and if two... must be something that can help . Preparing to sail in 10 minutes. I not want setbacks. Preparations are ready, Captain.. Ready to set sail! Ready to set sail! Machines running. There is a fault, sir. Reported the same, Lord happens! fix it now. Official electronic communications. Channel communication and navigation. Tell port there is a delay of 10 minutes. - Captain give me the key to his cabin - Your package is in a safe place. The key! - Is something serious - Severe sabotage navigation equipment? . - I will inform the port can not leave - Well, we should. - We need 10-12 hrs. for repair. - then make manual steering with compasses. - Is impossible - Impossible! ? Captain I have seen governments fall nuclear weapons disappear. And I have also seen captains disappear, nothing is impossible. What the hell are you doing? Cut the power! Andrei. Let all this. Do not move Alto! Kill him! Andrei! What we have on board. Skip Overboard! Andrei! This loaded. 100% Let's swim! The boat. Hello again, Doctor Tani. - I understand that the research project is complete - Almost.. I advise you to leave this island the first opportunity. Inspector As you say. This film contains some strong language. WOMAN: 'Monitor 0-2-3-2 Zulu time. 'Post-transmission via NAS rota Spain. Start.' MAN: 'No further transmission until we're at the target. Do you copy, Big Ears? ' WOMAN: 'Big Ears, aye. Juliet, Tango, Echo, 4-7-1. 'Zulu time, 0-2-3-3.' 'This is Gathered Punch. Here we go. 'Stay on the deck and keep it tight. This is it.' 'Rapid Angel, commence sortie.' 'Rapid Angel, aye.' 'Wow! Did you see that one? That'll wait them up! ' 'Perfect! Rotate out. 'Nighthawk, commence circuit and launch.' 'Nighthawk, aye.' 'Very clean! Blockbuster, unload the racks.' 'Blockbuster, aye.' 'Let's see a nice tight pattern.' 'Blockbuster, aye. Watch this trick.' 'Shotgun group, full military power, mark II plus.' 'Shotgun leader, aye. 'Six units, commence sortie. 'Hit primary targets on the first pass. We own this place! ' 'Cross back over and head for home, boys. 'Hit secondary targets on the way out.' 'What was that? ! ' 'There's another one. 'Someone, anyone, hit that missile pad on the harbour. Who's got him? ' 'I see him! I'll take him out in ten seconds. He's mine! ' 'Group leader, Shotgun? ' 'Group leader, aye.' 'Marking secondary targets.' 'There's another missile launch! 'Haul those missiles away. Get some heat flares out.' 'I'm hit! ' 'Can you get out to sea, Rapid Angel? ' 'I can manoeuvre, 'but I'm losing power.' 'Someone get that missile site now! ' 'My wing man is hit! ' 'Rapid Angel, where are you? ' 'Rapid Angel is heading north, north-west. I've stabilised.' 'Rapid Angel, try Sicily, try Malta, try Picket Ship I. 'Sixth Fleet has rescue. Do you hear me? ' 'I copy, group leader. 'I'm gonna make it.' 'I'm there, group leader.' 'Stick on him, Nighthawk.' 'Roger that.' 'I'm losing fuel.' 'Stay with him, Nighthawk.' Captain. 'Landfall. Someone's tracking me. I'm losing power.' 'Stay with it.' Andrei. 'I'm losing power.' 'I've lost him. Splashdown! ' RUSSIAN ACCENT: Your ship was near the attack? The Leontiev was steaming 10km west of the USA Sixth Fleet. 'Gibraltar...' Alert Naval Affairs, Captain. A simple yes will do. I tracked the US plane to crashpoint. I can estimate its position to within 5km. You'll show me? You may want to change your clothes. Captain, quick! We don't know how much the Americans know. 'Losing fuel.' 'Stay with him.' 'There's landfall ahead.' 'Someone's tracking me. I'm losing power.' Come on! 'Stay with him.' 'I'm losing power.' Come on! 'I've lost him! Splashdown! ' Man! Scratch 50 million worth of F1-11! We lost more than that, Henderson. Three of those planes had secret laser guidance systems. And with our luck, one of those babies is at the bottom of the Mediterranean. We did a computer run and it put splashdown three miles south of Swatter Point, Malta. I'm gonna love Malta this time of year. Not with the Soviet trawler the Leontiev in the area. Fishing must be good! Do you want to bet that I find that F1-11 first? I want to know the Leontiev wasn't with the Sixth Fleet. Just track the trawler, Steve. Don't be a hero. We're all heroes, Dean. That's why you love us. Is he the best man? Best man available. Explain that. Well, the best man for the job is Ken Tani, codename Black Eagle. But he's on assignment. I don't care what it is, pull him out. He's not available. Every year at this time, he has two weeks to see his kids. That's our deal. He can see his kids later. You tell him that. I won't tell him anything. Dean, make it happen... NOW! Get Patricia Parker for me. TANNOY: 'All passengers on Pan-Am flight...' Boys! Patricia Parker is taking you to your father. Hi! You must be Denny. Hi. And Brian? Hello. I know your dad was supposed to be here but he has a project on Malta. So get your things, we've got a plane to catch. 'Passengers on Flight 228 from Madrid, please proceed to...' Buongiorno. Buongiorno. Sono Padre Bedelia. Devo incontrare Monsignor Carraldi. Oh, that monsignor won't be joining us today. I have a bottle of white wine, unless you'd prefer coffee. What the hell do you want? ! How's your research project coming along? Maltese giving you much assistance? I was through with you 12 years ago. 14. Something's come up. I don't want to hear about it. I'm a priest. A research oceanographer? Working on a grant from Georgetown University? You Jesuits do take care of your own! Get someone else, Rickert. His name is Ken Tani. For all intents and purposes, a marine biologist at Hawaii University. You never let go. We may both get lucky. I have a man on the scene. I may not need you or Tani. Get them alongside! Who sent you to my boat? Go fuck yourself! Captain! Get back. Get back! Get back! Do you like wasting your time? Wasting my time? ! This was on the hull! So what? You know who he is and what he wants. Are you in pain? Kiss my ass! Captain, where is your paramedic? Argh! CRUNCH Captain, damn careless! How often do we get a live one like him? He was not alone. Take this body away! Captain! HELICOPTER WHIRRS THEY SHOUT GUNSHOTS THEY CHEER Why was I pulled out two days early? You're not going to New York. Whatever it is - no! You're going to Malta. Dean, I get two weeks off every summer, no matter what. Here's the gen on the SX1 laser guidance system. I don't wanna know! I don't do enough for my kids! We know where the plane went down. All you have to do is get the guidance pod. Are you kidding? Malta's never easy. It's crawling with spies from all over the world. And the Leontiev. You think I'm walking into that? You're out of your mind! I'm going to meet my kids. That's exactly what you'll do, Ken. I know that tone of voice. Your kids are already in Malta. What? ! At the Dragonara Palace Hotel. Your luggage is there. You registered yesterday. Brian? Brian! I bet my dad's never coming. You're wrong. He's just busy. He's always busy! Let's try and enjoy ourselves. We can go see the museum. Terrific(! ) DISTANT CARNIVAL MUSIC Let's go watch the parade. Terrific(! ) CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH ENGINE WHIRRS Malta Control Centre here. I've got unidentified traffic 15 miles off Luca, heading west. Unidentified traffic north-east of Malta, identify yourself. 'Unidentified traffic north-east of Malta, identify yourself.' 'Malta Centre again.' The unidentified traffic is now ten miles off Luca, heading west. Unidentified aircraft off Malta, identify yourself! Open your chute! Pull, dammit! 'The unidentified aircraft has turned out to sea.' Give me the police, please! PHONE RINGS Hello. This is Chief Inspector Borg. Yes. Right. Give the area to my sergeant. I'll send an officer. Hold the line. For you! Inspector? I don't want to hang around here. You are Father Joseph? Clothes are in that duffle bag. Wallet, credit cards, passport - all the goodies money can buy. Rickert said there was another man - Henderson. Steve Henderson. He was to attach a homing device to the Leontiev. Rickert gave me an assistant to monitor it. What about it? Nothing, nada, niet! Nobody's seen Henderson. For what it's worth, I'm an oceanographer. I study currents. Turpidity. For openers. BOAT'S ENGINE CHUGS Dr Tani? You work for Father Joseph. I do, but I'm employed by Mr Rickert. My boys are on the island? They're at the Medina Museum. This picture shows the Grand Master defeating the Turks in 1565. A city is named after him. Daddy! How are you doing? I am very glad to see you. Both of you! How long have you worn glasses? Don't ask! Remember me? Patricia Parker. Dean's friend. The tour's over. Let's step outside. We've been hoping you could join us. That work wasn't too difficult. We've been here two days, Dad! I'm sorry. I was busy, OK? Dr Tani, you may want to see this. I'll wait for you in the boat. Who is he? Vladimir Klimenko - colonel in KGB. Sector commander. He flew in two days ago. Now on the Leontiev. Hmm. Be careful, Doctor. He's dangerous business. CREW APPLAUDS Yah! GENERAL HUBBUB CREW SPEAK RUSSIAN According to the computer, this is where the F1-11 went down. I'm not getting anything from the F1-11's emergency transponder. Let me help you with your tank. I don't use it. I've heard about divers who lower their heart rate to stay underwater. Tell me about it sometime. It's a research vessel, chartered by Father Bedelia of Georgetown University. That's an unusual operation here. Captain, diver in the water - 220m dead ahead. Shall I arm the depth charges? I'll let you know. Take us alongside! Have you been on this duty long? Do you like this job? I do now. Andrei! Get the camera. Ahoy there! Ahoy, Leontiev! Ahoy, Leontiev! Bear off! HORN BLARES You don't need help? We're fine! Who is we? My research associate - Dr Tani. Look at this! We have visitors. Marine life? Nothing to interest you, sir. Hardly of a commercial size or grade, but then, these waters aren't noted for their productivity. It's been six years since fishing was a factor in the economic life of this island... Thank you! I shall pass the information on to the Ministry of Fisheries. Unfortunately, the Ministry waits a long time to take action. What's your project? Turpidity. Turpidity? These waters here... Excuse me! Excuse me! Are you familiar with the 1983 Oceanography Congress in Stockholm? I'll look it up! What have you found on turpidity? I'll know when I collate the data. But you will be gone by then, sir? You will know how to find us. All engines back! His name's Bedelia? B-E-D-E-L-I-A. Bedelia, Joseph. Born Connecticut. Graduate Fordham University. But no Intelligence contact. Served in Vietnam from 1970-73. Entered seminary in 1974. Ordained. Now this one. Kenji Tani. Born Nara, Japan. US citizen. I can read it! Not enough information. I'm returning to station. We can still put divers down. Where we saw the Japanese. Your people said there! My own people are not on the sea! 'Get word to the Embassy, 'I want a surveillance team in place when Bedelia's boat comes in.' TOUR GUIDE: This is the Grand Masters' Palace. It was built in 1574. Here's a statue of Neptune. Follow me and I'll show you the rest of the palace - the dining room, the bone room and the tapestry chamber. All the weapons and suits of armour are original and were used during the Great Siege of 1565 against the Turks. It's more fun with you, Daddy. There are things I had to do. I just have one more thing to do tomorrow. Hey! If I'm lucky, that's it! My time will be all yours. Promise? I'll do the best I can. That's all I can promise. OK, Daddy. We have company. The one with a moustache and the one with a beard. Peter can handle this. I'll take care of it. I'll stay with the boys. We have had 28 Grand Masters and the first Grand Master... Wow! Look at those guys! Excuse me, please. The Grand Master here is a head of state, a prime minister... Hey, where's my dad? He'll catch up with us later. Him and his promises! GUNSHOT Arghhh! WOMAN SCREAMS Here's your father. Where did you go? I had to make a phone call. Can we go back to the beach now? Back to the hotel now. We'll hit the beach tomorrow. Sure you can make it(? ) I'll be there. Stop! Sonia, superimpose the tape from the palace. Patricia Parker. Born 1960. Employee of Central Intelligence Agency since 1981. Assigned to Korea, escort duties. Qualified in small arms, automobile, aircraft, explosives and electronic transmissions. I don't think she's important. Uh-uh, but now we know that HE is. Aren't you suspicious that these Russians both died violent deaths? I make no assumptions. Excuse me. 'But this national security case...' Hey! That was interesting! Come on, you need your sleep. Goodnight, boys. Hey, Dad! How did you get here on the island? By plane, same as you. See you in the morning. Peter will look after the boys. Am I going somewhere? We both are. There was a message for us to be at the casino at 9pm. I don't know who sent it. Let's find out. Uh-huh. THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN Here they come. CROUPIER: Rien ne va plus! Place your bets. Make a play, Andrei. Your play. Part of your project, Dr Tani? Is it Captain Klimenko? Colonel. This is Miss Patricia Parker. I know quite a bit about Miss Parker. It's not often I meet a woman who scores 96 on a Langley firing range. And is rated triple-A1 as a radio operator. You're confusing me with someone else, Colonel. Make a play! I don't gamble, Doctor. It goes against logic to take unnecessary risks with so little chance of success. Tac-toe. Le rouge. Evens in red. What do you know, we came up a winner! Of course! You backed red! Let's go back to the hotel. We're ahead! The best time to cash in your chips! Besides, I know a warning when I hear one. Shall I check on the kids? No, I'll do it. OK. Goodni... SHE MOUTHS Would you like a nightcap? Sure. GUNSHOTS Huh! Get the boys out! Let's get out of here! Sit down, kids. Give me a minute. I want to be sure we have no problem. ENGINE REVS SIREN WAILS I can't take it any more. I'm scared! Relax. Don't panic. Go on, go on! Everything's ready! I must check something. Is everything OK? Yes. Good. Dad? Go with Peter, Brian. Get some rest. Dad, is someone trying to hurt you? I am doing a job for our country. They asked me to find something. But some people don't want you to find it? Yes. They are bad men, aren't they? They probably think we are bad men. There's a lot you're not telling me. There is a lot I cannot tell you. Please understand. Goodnight, Dad. Goodnight. Tell Rickert, I don't care where they come from, I want more people here to look after my boys! I understand you are to be congratulated. That can wait till the laser system is on board one of our submarines. There's been a change. You are to deliver the apparatus on the Gorky. I wish to protest. The Americans would have no compunction blowing a fishing trawler out of the water. The Gorky is a 10,000-tonne cargo vessel. Almost a luxury vessel. I'll see it's done. Come on, boys. This is business. Go with Peter. OK? You did pretty good. Another of your skills? Not me! I'm scared shitless of heights. Be careful. Don't worry. You be careful. Dean's sending more men. He didn't want to use anyone from the Embassy. I'll look after your sons for you. IN RUSSIAN How many times? ! Father Joseph wanted samples! There are his flasks! HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN Urgh! Come on! EXPLOSION Come on. Hup! Arrgh! OK! THEY PANT All right? I'm alive, thanks to you. HORN BLARES Let's go. Father Joseph should be waiting. There's a hidden entrance to the grotto. Look for it now. There it is! CHURCH BELLS RING Welcome to the Malta Subways. There's no graffiti! Give us time! Father! Father! My mother enjoyed the service today. Grazzi. Grazzi. Please give her your blessing. Thank you, Father. Father! Father... You'll never believe it! I didn't doubt you for a second! Right up those steps. IN MALTESE Bless you. Grazzi. Peace be with you. Thank you, Father. I must go. WATER DRIPS Ken? Ken? Tani? I'm right here. Come on. I was only inches from you - I didn't hear or feel anything! You weren't supposed to. PARADE MUSIC PLAYS Dean Rickert sent me! He did? ! He flew in this morning. Let's go down to the beach. OK? Yes. Your father can take care of himself, Brian. This is what he does? Things like this? We really should go. You work with him. Please, Brian. That's all you care about - your jobs. Nothing else matters. A great deal matters - the people we're connected to, the people at home. Your father loves you. That's what he cares about. Then where is he? Doing his best for you and Denny. Please, Brian. Here he comes. I hope you have some souvenirs for me. Only one - the warhead guidance system, from pathway to missile. Dammit, I want Rapid Angel. So do the Russians! The bay compartment was empty. It's still here on these islands! Did you get a flash from Klimenko? We intercepted a message sending the Gorky back to Odessa as soon as it leaves dry dock in Malta. You're grasping at straws. Rapid Angel may be in a diplomatic pouch or on an Ilyushin going to Moscow. We have every plane covered in this area. If Klimenko has Rapid Angel, he'll put it aboard the Gorky, then onto to a sub between here and the Black Sea. Where did the sub come from? Odessa. It's now passing through the Hellespont. You have two days. My deal was the F1-11. I delivered. The job is only half done! You'll tell me how it turns out. Dammit, people have died! Tell me about it! I killed six of them! Tell him to put his gun away, Rickert! I don't want to punch his fucking lights out. All right. Come on! All right, call it! I want my kids off this island. Come on, you son of a bitch! It paid off for you. They got me here, but now it's phase two time. You send them home. You know what can happen if we don't stop Klimenko. You don't have time for this. All right. They fly out with me. I'll put men on them and put them anywhere you like - Rome, London, New York. They are due at Fort St Michael at one o'clock. Call the Embassy. You meet the kids and pick up their luggage. Yes, sir. Want to go for another boat ride? Boys! Boys! That's it for beach time. Let's go. Take that! Hey! SHIP'S TANNOY: 'We are now entering the creek and in the harbour is the dry dock. 'It's the main industry in Malta.' You can just see the ship. INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TANNOY HORN BLARES Here they come. Let's go. CHILDREN SCUFFLE AND GIGGLE Be ready! We'll be there soon. Not too close yet! Not too close! That large merchant ship on the left is the Gorky. There should be very tight security. What are you guys doing? ! Peter, will you pass that car in front? Sure. The white car in back of us, did it pass too? Yes. Boys, I want you to get down! Brian, get down now! I think we got company! You said you were a good driver - prove it! Take the ones in back. Put the gun on the floor. Now! GUN CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MEN SHOUT ORDERS You son of a bitch! Miss Parker, I want Tani. Right now, so do I! Get inside. Come on. Take them to the fort outside Medina. I'll see Klimenko. Get in. Denny... SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE DENNY SOBS What's wrong? Why's he crying? The boys are frightened. I'm trying to calm them. SHE SAYS A WORD IN JAPANESE AND DENNY'S SOBS INCREASE SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE HORN TOOTS Oh, my God, I think he's gonna be sick. Get off! Get after him, you fool! I'm sorry. There's a guy chasing me. BOAT'S ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH They're coming. Ah - Dr Tani. I should like to know what you can tell me about this. Nothing. Nothing. You checked out of the hotel. A window was smashed. I paid for it. There are some bodies at the morgue you might look at. I wouldn't know them. You wouldn't know them(! ) Where are your children, Dr Tani? Are you all right, Brian? What did you tell to the police? Nothing. I didn't want to till I'd talked to you. You did right. Do you know where Denny and Patricia are? Yes. Ssh! HE SPEAKS JAPANESE What he say? He says he has to go to the bathroom. It's not the first time you wet your pants. Come on. You stay right there. I wasn't gonna jump! What was that? Ha! Too skinny. There's a landing over by the west end. Hey! Somebody's thinking! What were you doing? ! You're nothing but trouble. CLINK! CRUNCH! Last time - you understand that? Shut up! THUD! Vigo? Vigo! Vigo! That way. Don't move. SHE PANTS Where's Denny? Right here. He's OK. We've got the boat. We're going out here - come on. HE SHOUTS AN ORDER Igor! Shit! Hey! Aagh! SHOT GUNSHOT GUNSHOT Hyah! Tsah! THEY GRUNT TANNOY: .. Present your passports at gate two in the departure lounge. Dad, when are you coming to Rome? Soon. Make it quick. TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT Come on. You can help me brush up my Japanese. We'd better. You have a terrible New York accent. I spoke to Dean. We're off the hook. Where do you want to go now? I want to scout out the Gorky. OK. I can arrange that. GULLS CRY Guess who's here. WORKERS CHATTER You didn't have to come. Priests the world over have put their lives on the line. I've been running away. That's over. I haven't verified all these men! If you want to get under way at 2200 hours, you'll need all these men. Well, it's your responsibility. Come on, lads. If they're sailing tonight, Rapid Angel has to be on board. There isn't time. We will make time. I will check the captain's cabin. Do your best to slow them down. I'll check the navigation circuitry. DOOR SQUEAKS SNAP! What are you doing? Put your hands up! CLATTER They'll find him and know we're here. No. They won't. SNAP! SHIP'S WHISTLE BLOWS They'll find him. Not till morning. Where to now? I will leave you here. Tell Lino to be in the harbour at 2030 hours. And me? You've done enough. You can't take on Klimenko's people by yourself. It calls for speed and timing. One person - only one margin for error. Two people... There must be SOMETHING I could do. WHISTLE BLOWS BELL RINGS TWICE We'll be getting under way in ten minutes. I want no delays. We are ready - OK. Ready for sea, Captain. Prepare to cast off! Casting off! Prepare to cast off! BELL RINGS All engines start. Commence sweeping. Power all units. There's a malfunction, sir. I report the same, sir. Something's wrong. Check on it - now. Check below. Electronics and communications officers to bridge. All communications and navigation. Tell the port authority there's a ten-minute delay. Give me the key to your cabin. Your package is safe. The key! Yes, sir. Yes, sir. How bad is it? It's sabotage to our navigation equipment. We cannot leave. We must go. Repairs will take 12 hours. We can steer manually. You have magnetic compasses. It's impossible. Impossible? ! Captain, I have seen governments fall, nuclear weapons vanish and captains disappear at sea. There is nothing impossible. HE SPITS Are you mad? ALARM WAILS ALARM CONTINUES Cut the power! Andrei? Let's leave it all. HE SHOUTS AN ORDER ALARM BLARES AGAIN AND MEN SHOUT Look what I got! Stay where you are! Don't shoot. Don't move! Ken! What's going on? Kill them! THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN Hah! Andrei! I'm gonna blow it. Natasha! Jump! Get away! Jump now! Jump! Andrei? Andrei! Aagh! No! No! It's loaded. One hundred per cent. Swim, now. To the boat. We meet again, Dr Tani. I take it your research project is completed. Quite. Then may I suggest you leave these islands by your first opportunity? As you say, Inspector. Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk Film Company Gaumont presents Isabelle Huppert Jutta Lamp Philippine Leroy Beaulieu Bernard Blier Jean-Philippe Ekoffe Laurent Malet Jerzy Radzivilovich Omar Sharif Lambert Wilson in the film by Andrzej Wajda Devils Also filmed: Philippe Chambon Jean-Quentin Châtelain, Remy Martin, Serge Spira, Vladimir Yordanov Zbigniew Zamakhovskii Operator: Witold Adamek Artist: Allan Starsky Composer: Sigmund Konezhni Producer: Barbara Peck-Slezichka Screenplay by: Jean-Claude Carrière, Andrzej Wajda, Agnieszka Holland, Edward Zebrovski on the novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky Author dialogues: Jean-Claude Carrier Production Studios "Gaumont prodyukson Movie 2" the participation of the National Center Cinema In 1870 a group of young nihilists - All of one city - Returns from Switzerland to Russia. They intend to overthrow the existing regime. They are waiting for another return their leader Peter. He should bring with Nicholas is Stavrogin, considered to be the soul group, the new Messiah. Russia alarmed. Everyone seems coming inexorable revolution. Liberals alert. But no one knows the number of and its true intentions. One of its members, a working printing Shatov decides to leave the group. Not without fear he waits the return of Peter and Stavrogin. Shatov! Greetings. I'm glad you're back. Friends, now can not live outside Russia. And to live in Russia all the more impossible. Looking for something else, but nothing. What to do? Destroy everything to the ground. Yes, Erkel, but you do any conclusions. To think you are not afraid I very well know. This is the only thing we can do - talk. Leaving aside the king, Russia and the family, You can talk about everything. But not with you! To argue with Shatov, he must first bind. Look, he is already leaving. Angry. Stepan did not disturb me. Forgive me, Shatov. We too speak. We love people. You do not like neither Russia nor the people. You have lost contact with him. And who does not have the people, in fact there is no God! Peter, my son! You also come back? Shut up, Dad. You lose your head. Looks like a maudlin old woman. I have such an easy life! Yes? For I am still very active. Besides, being watched. Followed my every step. I recently signed several collective protests. Against what? I do not know really. For the people! You are interested in people? You you rise up to defend his rights? For a long time! Did you change this old world? Yes, as you wanted it. Remember? You said: no concessions to the injustice! Must be relentless! Yes! Well, we took your ideas. But I am sure that you do not recognize. Need to be ruthless! You're right, it is necessary. Are you ready to chop your head? Course. If need three times more goals than cut down the French Jacobins. Hack head easier than to have an idea. We'll cut them! Tooth for a tooth, as stated in the Gospels. Wretch! This is not the Gospel. Damn! I have not read the damn book! And other books did not read! The main thing - progress! But Shakespeare and Victor Hugo not impede progress! Books are no longer needed. Victor Hugo -- just an old ass. And Shakespeare! Our farmers do not need Shakespeare! They need shoes! And you give them to them? Course. Soon? June. Yes, in June, all will stitch boots. And what will happen next? I do not know! You are the representative of a vanishing generation, do you ask stupid questions. My job - to destroy. Building will be others. The sooner we begin to destroy, the better. And then what? See. This is not our business. Bravo Bravo Correct! Yes, excellent! Well said! And very by the way. Shigalyov finished his treatise. So to speak. Must hold the meeting. As soon as possible. Where? I! Soon is my birthday. Can use this as a pretext. Excellent! Disagree. See you later. Shatov. I'll give you the text that should print. And leaflets. I think I have everything in the letter made clear. Printing press with you? I hid. You must return it to us. Shatov! Tomorrow comes Stavrogin. Monkeys. Nobody understands. Peter arrived? - Yes. Do not retreat? - No. I do not understand. Want some tea? Yes. SHATOV you know why people are not so good? People are not good, because I do not know that they are good. Thank you. They should know. And the world will be transformed. And the best way to tell them about this -- put a bullet in the forehead? Yes. To show them that we are free. But there are obstacles. What? Pain. Pain? Yes, pain. Let me give you an example. Imagine a stone. Huge as a mountain. It falls on you and crush. You would hurt? No. But you're afraid to. Sure. You know that you will not hurt but afraid that will hurt. Thank you. You should not carry the night without sleep. Pain - not from the stone, the pain - from the fear front stone. Who will win the fear that God will. Do you understand? Kirillov, I think everything will be decided soon. I know. It's that simple. Ignorant. Even a monkey could understand. Why did I not understand? If they know that you intend to do away with themselves, they will not allow you to build this bridge. Why? You ask why? All of nature at every moment screams their Creator: "Why?" Can it be responsible one captain Lebyadkin? I would like to be called Ernest, and forced to wear a rough name Ignat. Why? I am a poet at heart, and forced live in a pigpen. Why? Because, in my opinion, sir, Russia is a freak of nature. And do not mind. Whew! Nicholas! Nicholas! Lisa, do you? Hello. Hopefully well you do you do? You, too, in Russia? Why? In truth, I do not know. Can I stand before you on your knees? You should not stay here. Do not forget that you're a girl, and I will a brother, not the groom, not her husband. For you I am an outsider. Take me by the arm. - Come on. - Come on. Lebyadkin, give your stroller! Five years ago we were with him together in St. Petersburg. Lebyadkin! Nicholas lived, so to speak, awkwardly, associate with unsuitable men. So he became acquainted with Lebyadkin and his sister. With this buffoon, sponger. Lebyadkin, is not it? In short, once in the tavern Someone insulted this lame, Nick got up, grabbed him for collar and tossed out the window. He could not see how offend the very innocence. He treated her as Marquise, that's all. Let me go. Alas, this unhappy creature imagined knows what. Please excuse me. I doglyadel for her sister. Come, come! We go to church. Forward! Nicholas behave in a chivalrous way, is not it? Yes, in a chivalrous. Can believe him, Lisa. Peter lies only in exceptional circumstances. Mauritius, you will accompany me, If I become a cripple? You are so tall, and I, crooked. The good will be a pair! I have no money. Can I give you a ring? Yes, my daughter. - And the earrings too? - Yes, of course. And you're here! I here because the governor has always should look calm. So I try to calm down. And where are you been? Stolen pearls with the icon. Even Boguzhe not so strong. The governor, however, must believe in God. If only to save the churches. Kirillov. I beg you, come on. You play with the ball? Yes, it is useful for my health. It strengthens the back. Do you love children? Children? Yes, I love children. This is a child of my mistress. Consequently, life and love? Yes, I love life. What? You are not changed his mind? Still ready to shoot? What connection? Life is one thing, death -- another. Life is, and no death. When? When an organization asks. Does that surprise you? No. I understand the meaning of suicide. The only thing I do not understand: why all not deprive myself of life? You look happy. Yes, I am very happy. Man unhappy because he did not know that he is happy. It is worth it to him to know how he would instantly become happy. I realized this on Tuesday. No, on Wednesday, in the thirty-five minutes third. I stopped the clock. In a sign that the time must stop. The trouble is that people do not know about it. Perhaps, once they do I tell? Who did it was crucified. That you lit the oil lamp? Yes, I am. Believed? Mistress loves to lamp was burning. I bet that when I again come, you are already in God uveruesh. Why? If you learned that in God do you believe, they'd be believed. But since you do not know that God do you believe, then do not believe. It's not. Secular joke. Remember, what you meant in my life, Stavrogin. Goodbye. I bought this gun on my last money. Do not discard! I have no bullets. It still costs money. Leave him to himself. I've been waiting for. Why do not you come? You were sure that I'll be? I need you. Then why did you hit me? Because I was the lover of your wife in Switzerland? You know, what does not. Then what? Because I disappoint you? Yes. For your fall, for your lies. Therefore, you means so much in my life. I have come to warn you. You threaten danger. They want to kill you. Kill? How do you know? Because I also belong to them. Are you a member of the organization? That's all what has been achieved Nikolai Stavrogin? Then why did you come to warn me? After all, I hit you. I weep for their evil with good. Rejoice, I am a Christian. Rather, they would have been if it had been a rabbit. Hare? To make the sauce, hare, hare needs. To believe in God, we need God. No, no, no! Not blaspheming! Do you remember what you told me before my arrival in Russia? What can I say? What the Russian people can save the world, he is one. What's all the people that only one goal - To find God. His God. And the more people, the more his God is different from the other gods. Really. I believe you! I'm flattered. And at the same time you say otherwise Kirillov. You have sown in his heart lies and slander. Drove him to madness. Kirillov just told me that he fully happy. I am not deceived neither you nor him. Then why did you say to him one thing and me another? I tried so to convince himself. I still believe in Russia. I believe that the second coming of Christ take place in Russia. I believe ... And in God? I will believe in God. Here, you do not believe. And whether intelligent man believe? No. It's not me, who I this? In every generation are only a handful exceptional people, two, three. You're one of them. You alone could raise the flag. Says the same thing Peter. But for other reasons. He spoke about my "unusual ability to crime. " What do you think about this? It is true that you have corrupted the girl? It's true what you said: I do not see any difference between the brutal act and sacrificial heroism? What "both are equal in their beauty? Tell me, do not you dare lie! Nikolai Stavrogin can not lie Shatov, Beat him in the face! I want answering. Also, I ask myself more hackneyed questions. For example, whether to live whether to shoot? How Kirillov? Yes, as Kirillov. But he will the end. He is Christ. - And you? - I? I'm afraid. 'm Afraid that strushu. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. And maybe never. I know what you mean. You're looking for retribution. Kiss the ground, its Water the tears and beg forgiveness! I am sorry that I can not you love, Shatov. If that happens to me, I beg you take care of my wife. About your wife? Are you married? Yes. Sister Lebyadkin - my lawful wife. Finally! Well, the weather! Grace Please, welcome! I live a monk. The samovar was boiling with eight hours, but died out, like everything else in the world. And the sun, they say, go out in turn. Your sister at home? Home. She is waiting for you. Not asleep? Well, no, no! You meant so much in my miserable life! I even called your Falstaff. I see, Captain, that you do not changed during these four years. No, I am quite changed. You know that I have written a will? Interesting. What do you bequeath and to whom? Wait. Here, sit down. Please. I read that one American left their state science skeleton - the academy, and his skin - at drum to it day and night beat the American national anthem. This is great. We are pygmies compared with the Americans. Yes. I try to do same thing, I announced a socialist and confiscated my skin. You intend to publish your will in life and get him the award? And even if so? My benefactor, I have every day dream about Petersburg. I dream of revival. Not refuse me the means to travel? There can be no question. I do not money, and why should I give them to you? A shame? What a shame for you that your sister-wife of Nicholas Stavrogin? Yes, but the marriage under a bushel, and fatal, secret. I came to tell you that he intends to publicly announce his marriage with your sister. But she's crazy. I will take action. What will they say in the world? I do not care. I got married in your sister after a drunken lunch to win a bet - A bottle of champagne. And now for my pleasure I wish to publicly announce the marriage. What will happen to me? You do seem to want to go to Petersburg, to "morally reborn. Incidentally, I heard that you intend all betray us in the hope of forgiveness. Tell the truth: they told you about something or not yet? Do not have time. Maybe it's better I'll stand on the porch? Rooms are tiny. Can overheard casually. This case, yes. Take an umbrella. Your umbrella? I am standing I this honor? Umbrellas everyone stands. Once you have identified minimum of human rights. I frighten you, sorry. Hello, Prince. A bad dream last night? I dreamed you. No, someone like you. Not you. You seem angry. I do not I fear that I stopped loving you? Sit down. I'm not going to look at you. And you do not look at me. Sit. Do not you know? You are stout. I? Prince I beg you. Stand. And go. Sign? Where do I go in? I have all four years and represented only himself as he enters. Go out into the room. I'll take the hands of the book. And you come. Rather! Do not worry, I will not give up, we we live in Switzerland. Come! And come in! You killed him! Who? His. Togo, whom I waited. Who do you take me for, an idiot? Who hired you? You came like a bad dream. As soon as you saw, thought: is not he, is not he! He prince! You servant! Shatov gave you a slap! You feed in the kitchen? In you there is something threatening. You want to kill me, but I'm not afraid. I have my prince's wife, not afraid of your knife! Knife? Yes, the knife! You're hiding in a pocket knife. You're hiding in a pocket knife, I've seen. You do take out, when entered. I have seen. Here's a knife! Down with the knife! They say you robbed a church? I started there the Lord. I did it because our brother arranged, as can be. Excellent. Steal more, cut more. Opportunities abound. There is, say Lebyadkin with sister ... No, do not beat! I'm just saying that his door at night wide. Anyone can go and kill them. His and her, too. You already went to see him? Yes, not once. Why did not you killed? Yes figured: what have I got? Hundred and fifty rubles. But wait a little, ten times more I can take. Yes, fifteen hundred. From whom would you obtained them? From you, for example. Yes, for the same job. So I said to Peter. After all, our brother can not do without help. Three rubles, not more. The meeting started! You wait! Meeting? Yes. Today. Come! There is. This is Lisa you wrote. Drop it in response to at least a couple of words. You still willing to help me? Just Call! Last night I met a devil. But it was a minor demon. I am very angry that my demon so petty. He offered to kill me Lebyadkin wife and her brother. Fifteen hundred rubles. It was demon-accountant. What do you say? Nothing. I gave him some money. Should Did he think that I agree. Come. Excellent idea. I want to have fun. But just say: I will not your leader. No! I'll persuade him. What role do you want me to withdraw? Are you a member of the Central Committee! - Such. - Yes! You and me. The rest I give away positions: Secretary, treasurer, assistant to the chairman. They love it. And sentimentality plays an important role for the simpletons. There are pure crooks. What unites them all fear. It is to shout at him that he insufficiently liberal, he will go into the fire. No one has any own ideas in his head. They are ashamed to have their own opinion. To unite the group, there are way better. - I hear you. - How many? Five? Six? Five. It is necessary that four of them killed by the fifth. Under what pretext? Denunciation. It accused one of them of treason and then bump off him. Four, shed blood, will be linked forever. But what a fool I am, this is your idea, since you want to kill Shatov? I? Do you think so? It was not me, that you think about it. Congratulations. Thank you. Sit down. See? Is the Bible. Open. I believe in God, primarily on night. In the morning it goes. This knigonosha sold. I slipped her photographs. How stupid! Why did you do it? Because I am a seminarian. And what happened? In seminary we agonizes over God. Therefore it is hated. That's insulting. I even think that it should be shot. How can it be shot, if it is not? There is no God? Of course not! If there is no God, how I became a captain? Who is this officer? Who invited him? Here they are! Hello, come in! Please sit down. If someone wants to talk about something important, let them begin. Let me ask a question: we now meeting or we just came to visit? I propose to vote, meeting with us or not. Several uncertain proposal, but I agree. Me too. Lyamshin, the piano! Again? For we can spy, who knows? Let them think that we have a birthday party. Sit down and play. None of us are not spies. But if someone and listening, nothing would have understood. We do not really do not understand. Those who are for the meeting, raise your hand. I do not understand. Me too. If yes, then hand up. What does the "yes"? So meeting. No, not a meeting! I voted for the meeting! - Why did you not raise his hand? - I looked at you. You are also not raised. How stupid! I led the voting I could not raise your hand! Let us again! Opposed meeting, raises his hand. Those against or who is behind? You are on purpose! Yes! Those who are against it! Raising hand or not to raise? Depending on whether you are for or against the! With such a roar heard nothing! Simple answer: meeting or not? Yes! We are not yet ripe for the Parliament. All agree? Ok. Hence, we have the meeting! Quiet! Who wants to say something? Peter, are you? I? No. I do not want. Madam, brandy, please! Stavrogin, and you? No, thank you, I do not drink. But you want something to say? I tell you? No. I wish to say ... the suffering of the students and about ... about ... Shut up! Sit! Please words. Speak, Shigalyov. I wholeheartedly devoted himself to the study future society that will replace ours. Tomorrow's world, here he is! I suggest that its system of world order, provided in ten large chapters. I will explain it to you. Declare in advance that it not finished and my conclusion, unfortunately, in direct contradiction with the original idea. Starting from unlimited freedom, I come to an unlimited despotism. It is. Yet another way out. This contradiction certainly plunged me into despair. But, I repeat, no choice no. Therefore propose in the course of ten evenings you read his book. Do not laugh! I know his system. He proposes to divide mankind into two parts. One tenth receive unlimited power over the remaining nine-tenths, which will be like a herd. Having gone through several reincarnations, they reached the primitive innocence like primeval paradise. Although, however, and will work. Gentlemen, gentlemen! Shigalyov too modest. His conclusions are based on latest scientific human nature. Mrs. Virginsky, there is a pair of scissors ... Three days had nails are not clipped. He really decided problem of mankind. Really? Yes. Thus, we obtain equality. All people - slaves and slavery are equal. Otherwise, they may not be equal. Hence, they need to level. We will lower the level formation, and talents. Talented people are always want to rise. We have, alas, cut language of Cicero, poke Copernicus and eyes stoned Shakespeare. Here's my system. I propose to paradise. Nonsense! What did you say? I is not about Shigalyov, of course, not his truly brilliant ideas, and about all this drivel. I came here is not for arguments. Pity. You want to, I explained to you unit of our organization? Yes! For this I must be believe in you, both in the itself. I ask you directly answer one question. The question is very simple. If someone you know about the contemplated political murder, he would communicate? He informs you or not? - You! - Of course, not denounce. - You! - No. No way - You! - No. And you, Virginia? No! Never! I never not an agent of the secret police. Shatov you going? The same to your advantage! Checking in handy. Do you think he will carry? You too are going? You do not answer! I see no need. But we have to compromise, and you do not! And I cares? - Nicholas! - Leave me alone! - I need to talk to you! - I do not need. Peter also did not answer the question. He just asked him. Nicholas! Nicholas! I need you! No, you need Shatov. You want his blood. You have to put on his suspicions. Clever you threw him out. Now all will be its guard. This is your idea, kill him! Look at me better! I'm not your man! Leave me alone! Made up! Nick, I have tomorrow will bring to you Lisa. Want? I not touch Shatov. Want? So you wanted to kill him? Listen. We will raise Russia. With these fools? We proclaim the destruction, call riots, empty fire. Starts troubles! The excitation of this will go what the world has never seen! Dense fog falls on Russia. Cry land at the old gods. You have a fever, you raving. Or is it brandy. No! I was sober! We will kill desire for ownership. Russian Boguzhe overawed by the bitter. We condone drinking and people cast into the abyss of debauchery. With a desire to end! Only little fresh blood from time to time. You're just a politician. Think only about themselves and their power. You're not a socialist. Yes, I am a crook. Fraudster. But you can not withdraw on the eve of the coming events! You know that we have very strong? No, you're not strong. Since you have no one. Eat. Listen. First, the robbers. And many others who do not know. Teacher, Laughing God before his disciples, "is already ours. Anyone who is afraid of something - our. Prosecutor acquitting criminals out of fear seem insufficiently liberal - ours. Even the writers, journalists, without knowing it. Crime - not an anomaly. It almost become a duty, a noble protest. What do you want from me? What are you grabbing me in? Because you're handsome. I love beauty. I love the idols, and you're idol. Without you, I zero. I do not want to carry this cross. But you're the leader, you are the sun, you are the one waiting. I put out the word: he's here, he goes, is he, he - a new truth. And would collapse the old shed. We construct a steel building. As I said, you're drunk. Mad let you not embarrassed tomorrow It can be done, even without money. Listen. I bring to you Lisa. She rush into your arms, I'm sure. Nicholas! I need you. Without you I am nothing. Columbus without America. Nicholas! Nicholas! Give me an answer tomorrow! At the latest - the day after tomorrow! Give an answer! Your Excellency. What is it? Proclamation? Where did you get? She fell from heaven? Hold me for a fool? Ax? Why the hatchet? I'll come. Tell him that I come. What manners! Do not touch candy! Where are you? Proclamation? I saw them with an ax top. They can be found everywhere. What? Yes, I saw my father. Your father? He sends a friend from abroad. But it is too early! No, not sooner, since you are afraid. Tear down the church! You understand? It's still early. So you think that tear down the church and go in St. Petersburg - it is only a matter of time? What are you after this official? But this is quite different. We're not enemies. We say: well, shake, go ahead, Shake all. If necessary, we will support. And saved from themselves. It turns out that you are working on us. Paves the way for us. On you? And who is "you"? I learned something there, in Switzerland. We met with the leaders? Leaders - It says loudly! You can easily all is curbed. Must Only firmness. And me? What do they say about me? In particular. I do not know. I did not recognize was assigned your character. Not yet. They want to close the factory! Now the fault - vayutsya us to pay! All the governor! Shatov, only you can help us. - Write a petition. - To the governor! Yes, to the governor! What are they doing? Waiting, Your Excellency. Why wait? They do not say. Push them! Upgrade of these beasts! Gendarmes! Accelerate! Do you understand? Accelerate! I suggest you go back to the old methods. You are too lenient. Not so soft. Is this a rebellion? I have launched a skin! Thieves! Gendarmes! Hats off! On your knees! Everything! Immediately! On your knees! That's an order! - Your Excellency! - Your Excellency promised forty ... They have no right to chase us! Managing chased us. Do not say everything at once! Rod! Bring the rod! Yes, your excellency! Get them! Take him away! Hurry! Take him away! Forward! Forward! What arrogance! What impertinence! Do not you ashamed? I warn you, I do not tolerate atheism! Never! Went! Hurry! Forward! Done, Your Excellency! In your opinion, this uprising? It seems that yes. The time has come You must have the will. Yes. In St. Petersburg, hear me! Went! Hurry! Hurry! Undress! Your Excellency I beg you, I you regarded as a noble man. Could you release one of them? Whom? I'll tell you. Who? Shatov. For what reason? I'll be most grateful. Say ... I was his friend. Release of a Shatov. Listen. Shatov! Release man named Shatov. For what reason? Order of the Governor. Shatov! Get dressed! You can go. Finally a friend! What are they doing? This search, Shatov. Inventory. I waited for this Twenty-five years. I gave them all their keys. Lie down. Take away these books. I try to behave with dignity. But I'm afraid to cry. Do not make me vinegar to the head? Nastassja! Bring a blanket! I'll go. Yes, it's decided! I'll go to the village. Why leave? Shatov, I can send to Siberia. Or forget in a cell. Sir, calm down, it's impossible. Are you so sure that I forgive? What do you forgive? Shatov, you know what I do afraid of everything? Vysekut. After you have done nothing! That's it! See that nothing is done, and vysekut. Unfolds the floor, you sink to half of the trunk, and then ... When all his life to fight for progress must be ready for anything. Shatushka, tell me, why did you come? I wanted someone to talk to. Not know what is happening to me. Shatushka. You'll always be my Shatushka. I put you on his knee, do you remember? Taught you to read and write. I told you about some ideas. We must forget everything, everything. What I learned? Why? And what fruits reaping now? I, my son and others. You lit the oil lamp? Yes, just in case, to produce good impression, so they thought ... I want to ask you one question. Please. The city turned up an escaped convict. He lies, steals and kills. Fifteen years ago this man was your serf. Once you have sold it to pay card debt. Remember? His name is Feodor. Fedka? No, I do not remember. Do not you lose it in the cards would he now be killed? Shatov, listen. First of all, you need to determine Is it important to Shakespeare jug of kerosene? I say yes! Yes, Shakespeare, Raphael higher Socialism, above chemistry, above all! Humanity may well not live without Englishmen, as well as without the Germans, and even more so - without the Russian. It can live without bread, without science. But it can not live without beauty! Science itself not stand without beauty! Shatov the whole secret here! No beauty on earth will have nothing to do. Sloboda is on fire! They say the factory set on fire! My life journey is completed. Leaving. I'm thirty-five rubles sewed into the lining. What's happening? There blazes! Do something you see? Yes, on all sides by fire. They know only hate and destroy. You do protaskal hour. You do not know where this street. Maria? Maria! Is that you? Of course, I am. Hold the bag, I pay off with this idiot. Here, nothing more of it! You said Ascension street! And this is Epiphany! I told you: Filippov's house! You said that you know! Here, take more! What the hell's what you want? Do not you dare! Go faster! All this is nonsense. Warning What's happening here? Who lit? I am afraid that this is ours. I have only one night. I priischu work, do not worry. If I am you cramping, soot, I go to the hotel. How am I tired! Why a hotel? What that you got it into his head? Listen to me. I want clarity. I went back not because I'm your wife. Marriage - it is nonsense, do you agree? How much We have lived with you? Two weeks? Three. Three or four years ago. That does not count. I returned to Russia to work. That's all. Do not think something like that. I I consider myself your wife. Get up careful, step - decrepit. My komorka there. Come, come! I was told that you're bad you live, but still I do not think so. Come. Give me your hand. Wait, I'll find a match. We will kindle. Sit down. I did not come then, to something to repent. But I put you just above the rest. You're not like all these bastards. You're not angry with me? No, what for? Maria, you're here! I can not recover! I. .. You're very tired. For God's sake, do not be angry. If you agreed to ... if you agreed to tea. Of course, I want tea. What you're still a child! How do you close! How cool! I'm tired. Sit! Put the bag! In the legs there is no truth. Rastoplyu oven. No firewood. I'll go for tea and for firewood. Kirillov, my wife returned. - Maria? - Yes. I need tea. Tea is hot. Take the samovar. Thank you. Wait. Sugar. Thank you. Wait, there is veal. Firewood. You forgave his wife for Stavrogin? Yes. That's good. It's good that you do not stop loving wife after what happened in Switzerland. Thank you. Kirillov, if you could ... What could? Abandon the idea to commit suicide. If you could ... Whatever you were a man! If I'll still need me, come. I will sleep through the night. Unable sleep because of this fire. Tomorrow I will give you everything. Thank you. Such a light dress! Sure, chill. She is so proud! How it made! And if I ... Yes, yes, of course. I took your bed. Why do you not wake? Be good enough to take it, I'll lie down on the chairs. So many chairs I have not. Lie down here. Then on the floor. I do not want to use thy deeds! I have an acquaintance Doctor. Call? What's your problem? Tell me something. Do not stop, do not Look at me, tell me, go. Mary, do not be angry. I is a piece of veal and tea. Speak! If only you knew how everything had changed! I was particularly disappointed with our own. Nobody! They are full of hatred. They will be deeply unhappy if Russia suddenly transformed. And even according to their ideas. If you become rich and prosperous. They will no one left to hate. It all comes down to the great hatred to Russia. Animal hatred. Animal hatred. What's wrong? Maybe something serious? What are you currently doing? What You Preach? But you can not not preach. God preach, Maria. In which he did not believe it. This I could never understand. I'll explain later. You're an insufferable man! Surely not see that start? What started? Do not you see that I give birth? Advance I curse this baby! Baby? But what did you not tell me anything? I was told later ten days. And then the road ... Do you think I would have come to you? Where are you? Be back soon. In obstetrics grandmother. Need money! Revolver! I'm selling it, we will all what we need. No, I do not want! Better okolet! How dare you burn city without my permission? We burned? We? Yes, you! I have exact information. This is a pure lie! I know each of your step! Four days ago in the tavern "Forget-me" you persuaded one factory. I am only a few words whispered in his ear. From this could catch fire. How can you know? I sat under the table. And you two days in his bedroom to the blood isschipal his wife. Yes or no? Listen. Let's agree. You must blindly obey Central Committee. Especially now. Fires - is part of the revolutionary practice. What are you dissatisfied? Self-will! Rather! We have denounced. At all. Tonight. Or tomorrow. That's what I wanted to tell you. Yes, we will be given. It is also accurate information. Stavrogin! Absolutely! Stavrogin? Why? No! Shatov! Sure! Who else? Governor let him go. Think coincidence? Or on the goodness of his heart? Are you sure? How do you know? I can not speak to you all I know, but I know. What can we do? Only one. Only one. Send him to hell! It's me, Shatov. Who's there? It's me, Shatov. My wife returned. She gives birth. Come! My wife is giving birth. Come, I will pay. Here's a revolver. It costs money, take it! Go faster! Hold on! Wait behind the door, I get dressed. Kill Shatov! I'm against it! I whole soul protest Against such a bloody decision! But? What "but"? You said "but." I'm waiting. I think I did not say "but". I just wanted say that if we so decide, then ... What? His wife returned. She gives birth. He insanely happy. Can he give us? You know, from whom this child? From Stavrogin. I'm afraid to die. Begone! Not want you to ... Begone! It hurts! It hurts! Begone! Come! No! Where are you? Exit! Both! Come! You hard to please! Not you afraid that That way he will think something? I do not want it to be something thought. If it had not been in love with you, not came running to me, tongue hanging out. My poor Lisa! What have you done! And why are you so worried? Surely out of vanity? Due to the fact that you woman cast the first? There is nothing that can hurt your pride. Poor Lisa, why did you come? I am a girl, I grew up in the opera. There is! Who's there? Nicholas, I am. I must say you two words, only two words. If something you hear then know: I am guilty. You widower! Of course, none of us not guilty of anything. This is just a coincidence, coincidence. Legally You can not touch it. Burned down? Killed? Killed. But the body is not burned, This is an abomination. This rascal Fedka not all arranged as follows. Who murdered by? You were eavesdropping? Mauritius killed? No, Lisa. Killed only my Lebyadkin wife and her brother. Unfortunate coincidence! Nicholas, the truth is he saying? No lie. He was here with you. How can you suspect him? This is not true. I knew that prepares murder, and did not stop the murderer. But ... Lisa, calm down! Mauritius here under rain, awaits. He married you, believe me. Lisa! Lisa, where are you? He was there. Mauritius! No, not home! I want to see killed. I want to see! Stepan, are you? It's really you? Lisa! Lisa! Darling! Can it be you ... in such a fog? You see the fire? You're unhappy, is not it? No, Shut up! We are all unhappy, but you have to forgive them all. Forgive Lisa. We must forgive, forgive, forgive! Why do you kneel? I stand on my knees, to say goodbye to the world. In your way I say goodbye with all my past. Stepan, you heard something about dead people are there? Is this true? I ran out of their delusions, feverish sleep. I ran to look to Russia. Does Russia? Take my umbrella. Just take my umbrella. Nobody saw me going. I slipped incognito. Dear Lisa, you seem said that someone was killed? Go faster! Stepan, wait! Give me you cross over. Poor thing, maybe you ought to tie, but I prefer the cross. Mauritius, give the child his umbrella, give it certainly! Your Excellency This is terrible! All arrested! Every single one! Your Excellency No, no, no! Go away! It's too dangerous! I know who set the fire! This is the handiwork of the Nihilists All burn, destroy everything! " And here's the result! Your Excellency, go home! No, no! Let me go! This woman roof ... it does? It is necessary to pull it, it will fall! Vain! The fire is no longer in homes he minds! We must all give up! All. The emergence of a new substance -- great mystery, inexplicable. Sometimes I begin to think that humanity completely. As we live in perfect harmony. This feeling is undeniable, it comes five or six seconds. And I think: what children? If humanity absolutely, need to stop giving birth. You have so often? Two or three times a week. You do not have epilepsy? No. It is a disease. It begins this way. You think that everything around ok. You've got to be. No, do not have time. Tomorrow need to take him to the shelter. No! Why? We left him. This is our child. I've never been so happy. Happy? You laugh me Money will not take it with you. Sit down. Do not stop. I feel something strange. Unexpectedly. Unexpectedly. You forgive me? Not a day that I about you not thinking. And here you are again with me. It is almost inexplicable. Why are you always thinking about yourself bad? I was sure that no woman does not love you? I know that you loved me weeks. That is enough. Tidy blanket. No, not so. Leaned towards me. Well! How do we call? Ivan, like you. Did you think I'll call it by another name? Terrible? We all three will work. The old nonsense is over! I'll never abandon. Come to me. Nikolai Stavrogin scoundrel! Who's there? I sent Peter. All settled. Is this true? Yes. You need us only show where he had buried machine. Ok. Well. You wait. In this hour? Yes, until dawn. Ok. Now. I long. Leaves me alone? Now? I'll be back. I will never go away. Quicker. Erkel, were you ever happy? Yes. I will not stay. I came to tell you that. Why? It's murder - a waste of time, manifestation thoughtlessness and selfishness. It is contrary to my system. So I'm leaving. He will meet with them and warn Shatov. And if you are going to see Shatov? Do not worry. If I had a meeting I will not tell him anything. Goodbye. Must at least talk to him, try him. Such a man as he never retreat. Siberia waiting for you! Tomorrow! It's here. At this very spot. Do you have a shovel? Do not be afraid. In this hour here - not a soul. Maria! No, it's not it! It's not that! Quiet! There! Peter! Peter! Peter! There are other groups or are we alone? Peter! Fool! Does it now as well? I knew it! I knew that we were alone. You killed Shatov. I told you, Shatov going to bring us. You're lying! You killed him for what he you in Geneva spat in the face! For this and for many others. I'm sorry Shatov. Me too. You're in danger, I could shoot. You're the last person I see. I would not like so we parted, hating each other. You know, personally against you I have nothing. It is solely in the interest of the case. Because you gave your word. Dal or not? Are you sure you want to see my blood. You're a cheat and false mind I am the same. But you will live, and I die. Yes, I'll live. I am a coward, I am a scoundrel, I know. You're a monkey. I despise you. Remember what I said Third crucified Christ? Yes, yes. Today ... Today will be with me in paradise " In paradise. By the end of the day he died. Not found no heaven, no resurrection. And if so, if the laws of nature do not spared such a person and forced him to live with lies and die for a lie, therefore, the entire planet is a lie. Why, then, to live? Answer me, if you are a man! Yes, why, then, to live? I very well understand you. If God is lie, then we are alone and free. You're going to kill myself, to prove that you are free and there is no God. But for this you must kill yourself. Finally you understand. If even such a scoundrel as you realized therefore, and all can understand. I am one for the first time in world history not wanted to invent God, and kill themselves show the other new terrible human freedom. But who knows? All know. All secret become apparent. That he said. Dictates sign anything! "I, Alex Kirillov, declare ..." To declare? No, all over the world! Worldwide! Bravo "I, Alex Kirillov declare the whole world ... "But not the bosses! To hell with the bosses! Write. I want to draw the top face with tongue hanging out. Do not figure! Suffice tone. Yes, the tone. Dictate the tone. "... I declare to the world that today morning in the park killed Ivan Shatov for betrayal and denunciation of the organization. " That all? I still more abuse they want. Number and signature. I want more abuse! Rather! Give! But do not sign! Sign it! Swore I want! Then write: "Long live Republic! "They are pale! Yes! "Long live the republic!" Very good! No! "Liberty, equality, fraternity or death! "Wonderful! Excellent! Give! Wait, a little more! I'll sign: "Kirillov, Russian nobleman, seminarian and a citizen civilized world. " You sign it or not? Excellent! Excellent! Come! Now. Now. I'll stay with you. Sleep. Yes, I sleep. Very good. Lisa, listen ... What is it? Grunt? Do you remember that wonderful passage from the Gospel? Chapter one, verse thirtieth. Read me. "Here on the mountain grazing large herd of pigs. The demons begged him to allowed them to enter into them. He allowed them. Devils, came out of the man, and entered the swine. And the herd rushed down the steep the lake and drowned. Shepherds, seeing what had happened, ran and reported in the city and in villages. And the people came out to see what happened. And when they came to Jesus, and found the man of whom the devils were sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind and horrified. " My friend, this is always a great place was the subject of reflection for me. Now, one thought came to me. Yes. Devils coming out of the patient -- this ulcer, all uncleanness. A patient - is Russia. But all the filth out of and it is in pigs. That is in us, my son and others. In us moved in demons and we perish. But the patient will be cured. I sit at the feet of Jesus. And Russia will be cured. THE POSSESSED In 1870 a group of young nihilists, all from the same city... returns from Switzerland to Russia. They intend to overthrow the existing regime. They are waiting for the return of their organiser, Pierre. He is to bring with him Nicholas Stavrogin... considered to be the soul group, the new Messiah. In Russia, people are worried, feeling a violent revolution is imminent. The Liberals are on the alert. But no one knows the size of the organisation or of its true intentions. One member, a printer named Shatov, has decided to leave the group. He is nervous about the return of Pierre and Stavrogin. Shatov... Good to see you, Shatov. I'm glad you came back. My friends... We can no longer live outside of Russia. But it's also impossible to live here. There has to be another way... - There's isn't one. - So what do we do? Wipe the slate clean. What would be the outcome of that, Erkel? Discussing opposing points of view doesn't bother me. It's good. Yes, but all we can do is talk. Apart from the Czar, Russia and the family, we can discuss anything at all... We can discuss them, just not with you. If you want to discuss with poor old Shatov... first you have to bind him hand and foot! Look at him! He's off again already! He's angry. Don't belittle me, Stepan! I'm very sorry, Shatov. Those of us who love the people do talk too much. You love neither Russia nor its people! You've lost all connection with them. If you don't have the people with you, you won't have God, either! Pierre... My son... You've come home! Aw, shut up, Dad! That's a bit much... You sound like a weepy old woman. Things are so difficult for me. Really? Because I'm still very active. I'm being watched. Everything I do is reported. I recently signed several public protests. Against what? I don't know exactly. For the people! So you're interested in the people? You speak up for their rights? I have... for a long time. Is it YOU people who are going to change the world? Yes... Just as you wanted it. You used to say... "No concessions to injustice!" - "We must be relentless." - Yes! Well, we took your ideas... But I'm sure you wouldn't recognize them. "We must strike without mercy." You're right, that's essential. Would you chop off heads? Certainly! Three times the number in the French Revolution. It's easier to chop heads off than to have ideas. And we'll strike them down. A tooth for a tooth... like in the Gospels. Don't be silly... There's no such thing in the Gospels. Damn it all...! I've never read those goddamn things. Or anything else. All that matters is progress. Shakespeare and Victor Hugo don't hinder progress. There's no more need for books. Victor Hugo is just an old arsehole. Our peasants don't need Shakespeare, they need shoes. You'll give them shoes? Certainly. Soon? By June... everybody will be making shoes. And after that? I don't know. You epitomise a vanishing generation... You ask stupid questions. I'm here to destroy. There are others who will build. The sooner we begin to destroy, the better it will be. And then? We'll see... It's not our problem. - Bravo ! Bravo ! Very well said. Wonderful. Just in time... Chigalev has finished writing his treatise. We must organise a meeting. - Do you have somewhere? - Yes, at my place. We can use my forthcoming birthday as a pretext. Great. We'd better split up now. See you later. Shatov... I will give you a treatise to print... and some handbills. I thought I'd made myself clear in my letter. Do you still have the press? I've hidden it away. You'll have to get it back for us. Shatov... Stavrogin will be here tomorrow. A monkey could do it. Even a monkey. Nobody understands. Pierre's arrived? Yes. Have you given up? No. I don't understand you. Like some tea? Yes. Shatov... Do you know why the masses are no good? Because they don't know that they really ARE good. Thanks. People must get to know that fact... and the world will be transformed. And the best way of telling them is for you to blow your brains out? Yes. To show them that we are free. There are obstacles. Such as? Pain. "Pain"? Yes, pain. I'll give you an example. Imagine a huge stone.... As big as a mountain. It falls on you and crushes you. Would you feel any pain? No. But would you be afraid you would? Sure. You knew you'd feel no pain but you were still afraid it would hurt. Thank you. You need to get some sleep. The pain is not from the stone... it's from the fear of the stone. The one who can overcome his fears... can become God. Do you understand? Kirilov, I think it's coming soon. I know. It's easy, though. That useless lot! Even a monkey could understand. A monkey! Why can't anyone else understand? If they find out that you want to commit suicide... this bridge won't be built. Why? You ask why? All of nature screams incessantly to its Creator... "Why?" Should little Captain Lebyadkin answer for the whole world on his own? I would like to be called Ernest... but I must content myself with the absurd name of Ignatius. Why? I'm a poet at heart... but I'm forced to live in a pigsty. Why? Because, in my opinion, Sir... Russia is a caprice of nature... No reason... but here we are! - Nicolas! Nicolas... Lisa? It's you? ! Hello. Are you alright? Why are you here in Russia? I don't really know. Will you allow me... to kneel before you? Don't stay here! Remember, you're a young lady... I'm neither your brother, your fiance, nor your husband. I'm a stranger to you. - Take my arm. - Let's go. Lebyadkin, bring up the carriage! We were together in St Petersburg five years ago. Lebyadkin! Nicholas liked the company of rogues. That's how he befriended Lebyadkin and his sister. He's a buffoon and a parasite... aren't you Lebyadkin? ! One day in a tavern, someone insulted this crippled woman. Nicholas grabbed him by the collar, and threw him through the window. He couldn't allow a helpless person to be offended, and treated her like a duchess. Hey, let me go. That poor creature finished up imagining things. Please excuse me. I'm looking after her, but she got away. Come along now! Come on! Go on up to the house, gentlemen! Go on! Nicolas behaved in a chivalrous way. Chivalrous... yes. You can believe that, Lisa. Peter only lies in exceptional circumstances. Maurice... Would you walk with me if I were a cripple? You, so big... and me all twisted. We'd make a lovely couple. Tea... who want's tea? I've no money, can I give you a ring? Yes, my child. My earrings, too? Yes, of course. So you're here. Yes, I'm here. A governor needs to show a serene face. So I try to calm myself down. So where have you been? The pearls with the icon have been stolen. We can't even depend on God any more. However, the governor is supposed to believe in God. If only to save the churches. Kirilov? Please... Come in. You play with a ball? Yes, for my health... It strengthens my back. You like children? Children? Yes, I like children. This one's my landlady's. So you love life. Yes, I love life. Why? You're still prepared to blow your brains out? But what's the connection? Life is one thing... death another. Life is existence. In death there's no existence. When? When the organisation asks me. Does that surprise you? No... I'm well aware of what suicide means. The only thing I don't understand... is why don't all men commit suicide. You seem very happy to me, Kirilov. - Yes, very happy. Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. If only he realised he was happy, then he would be. I realised that on Tuesday. No, it was last Wednesday. It was at 2.35 I stopped the clock. As a symbol of time stopping? Unfortunately, people know nothing about it. So maybe they should be told. The last one to do that was crucified. - Was it you who lit the night-light? - Yes. - So you've become a believer? - I did it for my landlady. - You'll be believing in God soon. - Why? If you don't know if you believe in God, it means you do. It's nothing like that. You're just making fun of me. Remember me, Stavrogin! Goodbye. I spent my last kopeck on this gun. Don't throw it away. I don't have any bullets. It's still worth money. Hang on to it. I couldn't wait any longer. You're late. Did you know I'd come? I need you. So why did you assault me? Because I was your wife's lover in Switzerland? - No. - Then why? Because I disappointed you? Yes. Because of your back-sliding, your lying. Yet you play such an important part in my life. I've come to warn you, Shatov. You're in danger. They want to kill you. Kill me? How come you know? Because I'm one of them. You're a member of the organization? Is that all that's been achieved, Nikolai Stavrogin? Why are you warning me... after I assaulted you? I repay evil with a good deed. I'm a Christian. At least, I would be... if it wasn't for the missing rabbit. A rabbit? To make a stew, you need a rabbit. To believe in God, you need a god. No, no, no, no! You mustn't blaspheme! Do you remember what you said before I came back to Russia? What did I say? That the people of Russia can save the world on their own. That all people have only one aim... To find their God. The more people, the more different their God. You didn't deny God's existence. That's right. I believed you! You flatter me. Yet, at the same time... you said the very opposite to Kirilov. You stuffed him with lies and slander. You drove him to insanity! Kirilov has just told me that he's quite happy. I haven't deceived either of you. Then why did you say one thing to him and another to me? I was probably trying to make up my own mind. What about me? I still believe in Russia. The second coming of Christ will happen in Russia. I believe it! And in God? I will believe in God. You don't believe. You're too intelligent for that. What do I matter? In any generation there's only a few exceptional people. 2 or 3. And you are one of them. The only one who can carry the banner. Pierre said the same thing. But not for the same reasons. He speaks of my exceptional criminal ability. What do you think of that? Is it true that you defiled a little girl? That you saw no difference... between an act of bestiality and an heroic sacrifice? That both have a certain beauty? Tell me. And don't lie to me. Nicolas Stavrogin can not lie to Shatov... who has punched him in the face. I refuse to answer. I ask myself more trite questions. For example... Should we live or kill ourselves? Like Kirilov? Like Kirilov, yes. But he'll go all the way. He is a Christ. - And you? - Me? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being a coward. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe never. I know what you mean. You seek retribution. Kiss the earth... Water it with your tears... Beg for forgiveness. I'm very sorry, Shatov... but I'm unable to love you. If anything happens to me, please take care of my wife. Your wife? You're married? Oh yes. I married Lebyadkin's sister. At last! Come in . I live like a monk. The samovar's been on since 8 o'clock... But it's gone cold, like everything else in this world. They say the sun will also go out one day. Is your sister here? She's here. She's waiting for you. - Not asleep? - No, of course not! There's so much to discuss. You've played such a role in my miserable life. I've been called your Falstaff. You don't seemed to have changed in these last 4 years, Captain. No, I'm completely changed. I've written my will. Interesting. What do you bequeath and to whom? You'll see. Here. Take a seat... Please. There was an American who left his fortune to science... his skeleton to the Academy... and his skin to make a drum... ..on which the American national anthem was to be played day and night. Wonderful, eh? We're pygmies in comparison to the Americans. Yes. If I did the same, I'd be accused of socialism... and my skin would be confiscated. Do you want something in return, for publicising your will? So what if I do? Ah, my Good Samaritan... I constantly dream of Petersburg. A visit there would be a spiritual renewal. If only I might get... a little money for travelling expenses. Out of the question. I have no money. If I did, why should YOU get it? What about the shame? Why should you be ashamed that your sister is my wife? But the marriage has been kept secret. It seems shrouded in mystery. I planned to make a public announcement... that your sister is my legal wife. Hein ? But... she's half crazy. - I'll sort it out - What'll people say? I don't care. I married your sister after a drunken dinner... to win a bet for a bottle of champagne.. Now I wish to announce the marriage, and that's all there is to it. So what will become of me? You wanted to go to Petersburg for a spiritual renewal. Which reminds me... I heard that you were to betray us all... in the hope of being let off. Tell me... have you already given them information? I haven't had time to. Maybe I should wait outside. The rooms here are small. I could hear anyway. Good idea. Take my umbrella. Oh, your umbrella... Am I worthy of such an honour? Any man is worthy of an umbrella. In a few words, you have just defined the most basic human right. Did I frighten you? Forgive me. Hello, Prince. Did you have a bad dream? I'd dreamt of you. No... It was someone like you. Not you. Are you upset? Might you be afraid that I no longer loved you? Sit down. Right now, I shan't look at you. And you mustn't look at me, either. Go on. Don't you recognise me? You've got heavier. Me? Prince... I beg of you... Stand up... and go in. Go in? Go in where? I've been asking myself continuously... for 4 years... Over and over... How would he come in? Go into the other bedroom. I'll take a book. - And you will come in. - That's enough! . You needn't be afraid. We'll live in Switzerland. Tomorrow... I'm going.... Shh... Go out... and come in! You've killed him. Who? The other one... The one I was waiting for. Do you take me for an idiot? Who paid you to come here? You've come in like a bad dream. Ever since I saw you, I said to myself... "That's not him." "That's not him." Because HE is a prince. You're just a lackey. Shatov slapped you. Can I get you something to eat in the kitchen? Some things threaten me. You want me dead... But I'm not afraid... Not afraid of your knife. My knife? Yes... Your knife. You're hiding a knife in your pocket... I've seen it. You took it out as you came in... A knife! Here's a knife! No knives! I heard that you'd ransacked a church. It was divine providence that I was there. I did it only because... we have to grab at opportunities that come up. Excellent. Go on stealing and cutting throats. There's no shortage of opportunities. Like Lebyadkin and his sister... No, no. Don't hit me! I just mean that they leave their door open all night. No problem to get in and kill them. Him... and her as well. Have you already got in there? Yes. Several times. Why didn't you kill them? I figured... What would be in it for me? 150 roubles, maybe. But if I were to wait for a bit, I might get ten times more. Yes. 1,500 roubles. Who would you get that from? It could be from you. Yes, for the same job. That's what Pierre told me. Because people like us need help. Three roubles. No more. Has the meeting started? We're waiting for you. - The meeting? - Yes. It's today. Come on. Here... a letter from Lisa. She wants a reply. Do you still want to help me? But of course. I met a thug last night. But a mediocre thug. It would bother me to use someone so mediocre. He offered to do away with my wife and Lebyadkin. For 1,500 roubles. A thug... who kept accounts. What did you say to that? Nothing. I gave him a few roubles. He should realise I agreed. Come on. Excellent idea. I feel like having fun. Let's be clear on one point... I'm not going to be your leader. Yes you will... I'll convince you. What role do you want me to play? - You're member of the Central Committee. - There's no such thing. Yes! You and me. You see, I'll give titles to the others... Secretary, treasurer, vice-chairman... They love that stuff! A chance at self-importance goes down well with simpletons. There are also the outright scoundrels. What unites them is fear. Blame them for being unprogressive... and they'll cease to have opinions. They don't have an original idea. There's a better way to keep a group together. Tell me, how many are there? Five. Four of them should be able to kill the fifth. Under what pretext? Ratting to the police. He's accused of treason, and executed. The four who have shed blood will be bound forever. Silly me... it's your idea... Since you want to kill Shatov. Me? What do you mean? Surely you wouldn't think to... No. It's you who's thinking to. - Happy birthday. - Thank you. Sit down. Did you see this? It's a bible. Open it. For me, it's mostly at night when I believe in God. By morning, it's passed. A peddler was selling them. I slipped them between the pages. That's just silly. Why would you do that? I'm training to be a priest. So? In the seminary, we suffer because of God. So we hate Him. So we insult Him. Actually, he should be shot. How, since he doesn't exist? God doesn't exist? Of course not. If God doesn't exist... how did I ever become a captain? Who invited that officer? Look, there they are. They're here. Hello! Come on in. If anyone has a matter of importance to raise... speak up! Can I ask a question? Has the meeting begun? I propose a vote as to whether the meeting has begun. That's a bit vague, but I agree. Me too. - Lyavchin on the piano. - Again? It's to make it sound like a birthday party. Go on... play! Even if someone was listening... they wouldn't understand anything that was said. It's hard enough for us in here to understand. All those for a meeting, raise your hand. - I couldn't hear. - Neither could I. - If "yes", raise your hand. - "Yes" for what? We ARE meeting. Doesn't make sense. - I vote for the meeting. - But who do you want... You still haven't raised your hand. This is stupid! I was calling for a vote. Alright, we'll start again... Who's against a meeting? Who is for or against? Yes, those who are against. - Do we raise our hand or not? - That depends. We can't hear a thing! Just simply reply... Are we meeting... yes or no? YES. We're not ready for parliament yet. Nobody against it? Fine! The meeting is in session. Quiet! Who has something to say? Pierre? Me? No. Nothing at all. Let's have a brandy. Stavrogin? No thanks. I don't drink. But don't you want to speak? "Speak"? Not at all. I'd like to speak... About the suffering of the students, and how.... How... Shut up! Sit down! - I ask to speak. - You have the floor, Shigalyov. I have devoted myself to the study of a future society that will replace ours. Here is the world of tomorrow. I propose a world order comprising 10 large chapters. Let me explain. I stress that it's not yet complete... and unfortunately the conclusions contradict my original conception. Starting with unlimited freedom, I finished with unlimited despotism. Yet there is no solution other than mine. This contradiction has plunged me into despair. But I say once again... It is the only solution. So I propose reading my notes to you in ten sessions. Don't laugh! I know his system. He proposes to divide mankind into two parts. One tenth would have absolute power over the other 9 tenths... who would become a sort of herd. And through a series of transformations... they will attain a state of primitive innocence... something like the original Eden... whilst being forced to work. Gentlemen, Shigalyov is too modest. He started from human nature... as we know it through science ... Those scissors there... I need to cut my nails. He really has resolved the problem of humanity. - Really? - Yes. We achieve equality. All those who are slaves, are equal in their slavery. Otherwise they wouldn't be. Slavery levels them. The levels of education and aptitude will be lowered. As talented people always want to raise themselves... it will be necessary to dispense with the language of Cicero... blind the eyes of Copernicus and stone Shakespeare to death. There you have it. What I'm proposing... is Paradise. What a load of rubbish. What did you say? I'm not talking about Chigalev, nor of his brilliant ideas... but of the idiotic prattle. I'm not here to debate. That's too bad. Want to know the workings of our system? Yes. I need to be as sure of you as I am of myself. I'll ask you to give me a definite answer to one question. A very simple question. If you heard that someone was planing a political assassination... would you betray him? Would you betray him or not? You? Of course not. - You? - No, never. You? No. - You? - No. - You? - No way. And you, Virginski? No. A hundred times no. I don't work for the secret police. Where are you going, Shatov? It's not in your interest to leave. Well something came out of it. Would he betray us? We were all agreed. - You're leaving too? You never answered. - I really don't care. But we're compromised, and you're not. Not my problem. - Nicolas... - Leave me alone. I need to talk to you. It's urgent. Not for me. Forget it. Pierre never answered the question either. All he did was ask it. Nicolas... Nicolas, I need you. Shatov's the one you need... For his blood. You managed to make him suspicious. Now that you've made him leave, everyone will distrust him. It's your idea to kill him. Look me in the face... I am not your man. So stop bothering me. Can't we make up? Nicolas, please. I'll bring you Lisa, tomorrow. - If you like, I'll leave Shatov alone. - So you did want to kill him? Listen... With us, Russia will rise. With those idiots? We'll announce destruction... We'll incite riots, start fires... Then we'll really lay waste. There'll be an upheaval never before seen in the world. Russia will me wrapped in a thick mist. Planet Earth will cry for its gods. I'd say you were suffering from fever or cognac. No, my head is clear. We'll kill the desire for ownership. We'll develop treatments for drunkenness... and people consumed by debauchery. An end to desire! Just a little fresh blood from time to time. You're just a politician. You only think about yourself. You're no socialist. Of course. I'm just a scoundrel. An utter scoundrel. But you can't walk out on us now... You know we're strong. You're not strong. You don't have anybody. But we do. Criminals, and many others who don't realise it... The teachers who laugh at God in from of their pupils... All those who live in fear... The prosecutor who acquits criminals for fear of seeming illiberal. Writers, too... and journalists... But they don't realise it. Crime has become a moral duty... A noble protest. But why me? Why are you clinging to me? Because you're handsome. I love beauty I love to have an idol. And you're my idol. I'm lost without you I won't bear this cross! But you're our leader, our sun... the one we've been waiting for. I have spread the message... "He's the one, the new face of truth." The old shed will collapse. We'll erect a new building of steel. Like I said, you're quite drunk. You can be relieved of that crazy woman tomorrow... With or without money. Listen... I'll bring you Lisa. She'll throw herself in your arms. I'm quite sure of that. Nicolas... Nicolas, I need you. I'm lost without you. I'm Christopher Columbus without America. Nicolas! Nicolas, let me know tomorrow. Or the day after at the latest. Let me know. Your Excellency... What's this? A proclamation? Where did it come from? Did it fall out of the sky? Do you think I'm stupid? An axe? What does the axe mean? I'll go. Tell him I'll go. You shouldn't leave chocolates lying around like this, old boy. Pamphlets? I recognise that axe. You see it all over. - You do? - Oh yes. Even in my father's. Your father's? A friend sends them to him... from abroad. But it's too early... Much too early. Not too early to frighten you. Destroy the churches! It's too early for that. So you mean the destruction of the churches and march on St Petersburg is just a question of date? How can you be a civil servant? But that's not how it is. Not at all. We're not your enemies. We'll say to you... "Alright... shake up everything... "We'll know how to look after you... and save you from yourselves." So, in a sense, you're working for us. Who do you mean by "us"? I learned things down there in Switzerland. You got to know the leaders? - That's going a bit far. But it'll be easy to understand. It'll just need a firm hand. And... What about me? What's been said about me... in particular. As yet I haven't been asked to report on your character. They want to close the workshops! And now they refuse to pay us our wages. - Shatov, only you can help us. - Send a petition. - Government House! - Yes, on to Government House! What are they doing? They're waiting, Your Excellency. Waiting for what? They haven't said. Drive them back! Break up this rabble! Break it up, I said. Break it up! I suggest you go back to the old methods. You're too soft. Not all that soft. Is it a riot? I'll have you flayed! Thieves! Guards! Guards! Hats off! Everyone on his knees! Now! Kneel! That's an order. Your Excellency... It was agreed... They have no right to chase us down. The guard chased us away. Don't all talk at once. The birches! Fetch the birches! As you wish, Your Excellency. Go on, get them away! Get them away from here! Move! What arrogance! What impertinence! Have you no shame? I shall never allow anyone to deny the existence of God. Never! Forward march! Faster! Move it! Done, Your Excellency. Is this a general uprising? It would seem so. This is the moment, Sire, for you to show what you're made of. They'll hear about me in Petersburg. Get a move on! Faster! All of you undress! Your Excellency... I consider you as a very noble man. Could one of them be released? Who? I'll tell you. Who? Shatov. Why him? I would be most grateful. I was a friend of his. The one named Shatov... Let him go free. Understood. Shatov! Free the one named Shatov. - For what reason? - The governor's order. So do it. Shatov! get dressed. You may go. A friend at last! What are they doing? This is a search, Shatov... A seizure . I've been expecting this for 25 years. I've given them all my keys. Lie down... Come on. Take all these books. I try to behave with as much dignity as possible... I'm only afraid I'll start crying. Perhaps I might have a vinegar compress? Nastasia! Bring my warm clothes. I'll be going. Yes... it's decided. I'm going to the country. But why leave? Shatov... They can send me to Siberia... or forget me in a dungeon. Calm down, Sir... It's just not possible. Do you really think I'd be forgiven? Forgiven for what? Shatov... Do you know what I fear the most? It's the flogging. You haven't done anything. - Exactly. They'll see it, and they'll flog me. The floor opens, we drop into a hole, waist-deep. When you've devoted your lifetime to progress... you have to expect anything. Tell me, Shatov, my boy... why did you come to see me? I wanted to talk with you. I don't know what's happening to me. Shatov... I will always think of you as "my boy Shatov". I sat you on my knee. I taught you to read and write. I gave you certain ideas. We have to forget everything. Everything. Who needs to know now? Me, my son, the others? You lit a candle? Yes... so as to give a good impression. So they'll think... I have a question. Yes, what? - There's a dangerous escaped convict in the city. - He's hiding. He steals and kills. 15 years ago, this man was your serf. One day you sold him... to pay a gambling debt. Remember? His name is Fedka. "Fedka"? No, I don't recall. If you hadn't lost at cards, would he have become a killer? Shatov... Listen to me... The question is if Shakespeare is more important than a can of oil. I say "yes" to that. Shakespeare... Raphaël... They're above and beyond socialism. Above chemistry, above everything Humanity can manage without the English... or the Germans. Most of all without the Russians. It can manage without bread or science. But it cannot survive without beauty. Science itself cannot exist without beauty! Shatov, that's it... the real secret. Without beauty... there would be nothing left to do on Earth. The district's on fire! They say it's an action of the factory workers. I'm fed up with people. I'm leaving. I sewed 35 roubles into the lining of my jacket. - What's happening? - It's on fire! They only know how to hate... how to destroy. You've been driving me all over the place for an hour! Marie? Marie? Is that you? Of course it's me. Wait while I pay this idiot. Here... that's all you're getting. You said Ascension St. This is Epiphany St. I said the Filipov's house. You said you knew it. Here's more for you. Why on earth... ? Don't do it! We need to get away from here. That fare wasn't important. Be careful. Who started the fire? I think it was our people. It's just for tonight. I'll be looking for work. If I'm a bother, say so. I'll find a hotel. I'm worn out. Why a hotel? Don't be ridiculous! Listen, let's get one thing clear... I'm not here just because we're married. The marriage was a nonsense. Are we agreed? How long were we together? A fortnight? Three weeks. Three or four years ago... It doesn't count. I've come back to Russia to work... That's all. There's nothing between us... I no longer consider myself your wife. Be careful... the stairs are decrepit. My little room is here... come on. I was aware you lived poorly... But not as bad as this. Come on... Take my hand. Wait.. I'll find some matches. We'll have some light in no time. Don't stay up... I'm not here to make up to you. But at least you're better than the others, Shatov. You're not like all those bastards. You're not mad at me? No... why should I be? Marie, you're here! I can't get over it! You look exhausted. Don't get mad.... but can I get you... a cup of tea? Yes, that'd be nice. You sounded like a little boy. It's tiny in here. And it's cold. I am tired. But sit down. Put my bag out of the way. I'll light a fire. I'm out of wood. I'll go and get some tea and some wood. Alright... Kirilov, my wife came back. - Marie? - Yes. I need some tea. It's hot. Take the samovar. And sugar. Thanks. Wait. I've got some veal, too. And some firewood. - Have you forgiven her about Stavrogin? - Yes. - Good. It's good that you can still love her despite that Swiss affair. Thanks a lot. Kirilov... Could you also... Also what? Forget those ideas of killing yourself. If you could... What a man that would make you! If you need anything else, come and see me. I won't be in asleep. I'll bring everything back in the morning. Thanks. Such a thin dress... She's sure to catch cold. She's too proud for her own good. All that she's had to suffer... What if I... Yes... of course... I took your bed. Why didn't you wake me? I'll set up some chairs. I don't have enough chairs. Stay where you are. I'll sleep on the floor then. I don't want to inconvenience you. I know a doctor. Shall I call him? Are you ill? Tell me something. Don't just stand there! Say something... Move! Marie... don't get angry. I have some veal... some tea. Say something! If only you knew how everything's changed. Us, most of all. They've been such a disappointment. There's no substance to them. They seethe with hatred. They'd be dreadfully unhappy... if Russia were to be transformed... even if it followed their ideas... and became rich and prosperous. There will be nobody left to hate. It all boils down to a deep-rooted hatred... of Russia itself. And it's a bestial hatred. What's wrong with you? It seems serious. What are you doing at the moment. What are you preaching? You have to be preaching something. I'm preaching God, Marie. In whom you've never believed! I'd never be able to understand that. I'll explain to you later. You're so insufferable! Can't you see it's started? See what's started? I'm going into labour. I've cursed this child already. You ain't done nothing. These guys are all alike. How did this get into your trashcan outside? - That is your trashcan, isn't it? - Yeah. All right, where'd you hide the gun? I ain't got no gun. I don't suppose you were anywhere Front Street about midnight last night? No. You gotta believe me, officer. - Come on. We're going downtown. - Please. No. No, wait. Wait, wait. Good morning, Mr. Sanders. My name is Perry Mason. I'm going to represent you. I didn't ask for a lawyer. I know, I was in court this morning when you were arraigned. And who's gonna pay? All I've got in the world is $23 and a beat-up old trailer. I volunteered to defend you. The court appointed me. Why should a big-shot lawyer like you waste his time on a charity? Do you think it's a waste of time? What I think or feel doesn't make any difference. Anyway, who cares? You've been a good many things, Sanders, but never a quitter. How would you know? Oh, I made a few enquiries. I know a good deal about you. I know that eight years ago, your wife and two children were killed in an automobile accident. It was all my fault. If I hadn't fell asleep at the wheel-- Because you'd been driving 36 hours straight to get here in time for a job. You can't keep on blaming yourself for an accident. Now, shall we get down to business? Yeah. All right. Tell me exactly what happened this morning. About 9:00 the cops started banging on my door. Wanted to know what Frederick Archer lll's wallet was doing in my trashcan. Had you ever seen this Mr. Archer before? Never. MASON: According to the police report, Mr. Archer, you were on Front Street, stopped for a red light at about 12 midnight on Monday of last week when this man ran out from the kerb and held a gun on you and your lady companion. I was the lady companion. But you didn't bother to report the robbery. If it hadn't been for a druggist who witnessed the thing from his shop, you and-- I'm sorry. It's probably my fault, Mr. Mason. You see, I rent this ballroom from Mr. Archer. And we had some business to discuss in his office. However, I didn't feel very well, and I decided to go home. That was when it happened. I just didn't feel up to talking to the police, so Mr. Archer drove me straight to my apartment. Really, Mr. Mason, I hate to see so much made of this. After all, no one was hurt. No one but my client, Albert Sanders. - You talked to them all? - Mm-hm. Rene, Dawn, Jovine. Boy, what names and what actresses. They have their parts down so pat, they could've been reading them from the same script. They try to tell you anything in particular? Yes. That they hadn't seen their boss, Martha Rayburn, at all the night of the robbery. So it would seem she was in that car with Archer. So it would seem. Thank you, Della. Oh. Good morning, Paul. How were the girls at the Danceland Ballroom last night? Well rehearsed. Well, the Drake Detective Agency hasn't been letting any grass grow under its feet. I paid a visit to the State College campus this morning. Made a friend of a third-string halfback. Kid who doubles as bouncer down at the ballroom. Well, what's his name? Larry Coles. I showed Larry a list of the employees at the ballroom. Apparently we overlooked someone. - Who? - A hostess named Inez Kaylor. She was fired last week. So? So according to her landlady, Inez said she was fired the night of April 16th, which was the night of the robbery. And that she was fired by Martha Rayburn in person. - At the ballroom? - Right after closing. A little more than two hours after the robbery. This Miss Kaylor might make a very interesting witness. Think you can you get her on this trial? Well, she's moved to Las Vegas. But we'll try. I'll send Ralph Faulkner to talk to her. He could be very convincing. PAUL: Hiya, Faulkner. Mr. Drake, this is Inez Kaylor. - How do you do, Miss Kaylor? - Fine. I'm glad Ralph could talk you into cooperating. I could never refuse a gentlemen. Nice going, Ralph. Sit down, Miss Kaylor. Please. And how long is this gonna take? We should have you on a flight back to Las Vegas tomorrow afternoon. Miss Kaylor, are you familiar with this case? Yes. But just what am I supposed to tell them? Just the truth. And as I understand it, Martha Rayburn fired you the night of April 16th. Indeed, she did. Then she was at the ballroom. Well, she didn't relieve me of my duties by mental telepathy. Miss Rayburn swears she wasn't at the ballroom that night. Oh, my, how that woman can lie. Does Martha know I'm here? No. We thought it'd be nicer to surprise her. I'll tell Mr. Mason you're here. [LAUGHS] MAN: Now, Miss Rayburn-- You got a good look at the man who held up you and Mr. Archer at the point of a gun? I most certainly did. There was a streetlight shining directly on his face. Mm-hm. And do you see the man in the court here? Yes, I do. He's sitting over there next to Mr. Mason. You're referring to - the defendant, Albert Sanders? - I am. Thank you. - Your witness. - Thank you. Miss Rayburn, exactly what did you do after the robbery? I'll ask you once again, Miss Rayburn, are you absolutely positive you did not go to the Danceland Ballroom on the night in question? Yes, I'm absolutely positive. Mr. Drake, will you please bring in Miss Inez Kaylor? Inez? - You know Miss Kaylor? - Well, yes. She used to work for me. When was her employment terminated? I don't exactly know. Perhaps Miss Kaylor will be more specific. [INAUDIBLE] If it please the court, I want the witness to look at Miss Inez Kaylor for purposes of identification. However, it seems it will take some time to bring Miss Kaylor into court. I should like to continue my cross-examination of Miss Rayburn on Monday morning. JUDGE: Very well, as the hour of adjournment is near, this court will recess until 10:00 on Monday morning. Witness may stand down. [GAVEL BANGS] Paul, why didn't you post a man with Inez? Perry, she wanted to put Martha Rayburn on the griddle. I had no idea she'd fade like that. - Find her, Paul, by Monday morning. - I'll find her. Della, I'll meet you at the office. - Come on, hit the ball. - Come on, man. [BAT HITS BALL] Get it, Lenny. Hurry up. He's going home. Come on, Bobby. Come on. BO Y 1: Hurry up. BO Y 2: Run. Lenny, what's wrong? Come on. MASON: I don't know. It just doesn't make sense. Inez Kaylor just couldn't up and vanish. Someone had to pull the string. And you think that someone was Martha Rayburn? Well-- [INTERCOM BUZZES] Yes, Gertie. Lieutenant Tragg's here. Who else would it be but Tragg? Send him in. Send him in, Gertie. Listen, will you check on Paul and see what luck he's having? Oh, thank you, Della. - My pleasure, lieutenant. - Hmm. [DOOR CLOSES] Well, how are you, Tragg? Well, I'm glad to see you in a good humour. Now, sit down, let me make you unhappy. This afternoon some boys playing ball came upon what was once a very pretty girl. - Inez Kaylor? - No, it so happens her name was Kim Lane. Kim Lane. She used to be a hostess at the Danceland Ballroom. Your client used to hang around there. Are you trying to say Albert Sanders murdered this girl? That's what the evidence says. Miss Lane's purse was missing, so was her jewellery. We went back to his trailer, and guess what. We found Miss Lane's purse and jewellery under the chassis. But there's always a bright side. At least it's nothing for you to be concerned with. You're only losing a robbery case. But some legal eagle's going to lose Sanders on a charge of murder. You mean the district attorney's office is going to drop - the armed-robbery case? - Why, you know better than that. Mr. Burger just likes to keep everything buttoned up tight. Wait a minute. You said Burger. I thought Walsh was on this. Oh, no, no. Mr. Burger's gonna try the rest of the case personally. Mr. Burger. [DOOR CLOSES] MASON: Well, that's the situation, Sanders. This afternoon, the grand jury will be asked to indict you for murder. [SIGHS] Well, what about this robbery rap? The district attorney is going ahead with that too. He wants to make sure he isn't gonna lose me, don't he? Did you ever talk with this Kim Lane? I wouldn't know her if she slapped me in the face. No more than I knew this Archer fellow or Martha Rayburn. But you were seen hanging around that ballroom almost every night. There was music to listen to, happy people to see. Was that so bad? No, not if you'd told me the rest of it. Rest of what? About that girl's purse and her ring. I get up that morning, go outside, spot this purse and wallet in the trash. The wallet's empty. Why didn't you tell me you took that purse? Wasn't I in enough trouble without that? Wasn't very smart. If I was smart, I wouldn't be sitting in that courtroom having them all look at me like I was dirt. Get ahold of yourself. But smart or no smart, I'm full and running over with justice. And I'm getting rid of you, this trial and this jail. And if anybody tries to stop me, they're gonna get a broken neck. It's all right. He'll be all right. [CRYING] Always in the gutter. Why? Paul Drake, Inez. I'd like to talk to you. [DOOR HITS FOOT] Honey, Mr. Mason pays me to be awfully persistent, so why don't we get this over with? - Hello, Mr. Drake. - Hi, Larry. - How are things at the ballroom? - Still bouncing every night. But I don't mind, keeps me in shape for football season. By the way, thanks for bringing Inez back from Vegas. Of all the girls, she's my favourite. What about Kim Lane? See you around, honey. Goodbye, Larry. You and Larry getting pretty chummy, huh? Uh-oh. There must be a law. No. He's only a college kid. I guess you had some reason for coming up here besides wanting to change the world. Yeah, what happened at the courthouse? I wouldn't know. I wasn't there very long. Well, I'm painfully aware of that. The point is, why did you leave? Let's call it a change of heart. You have a change of heart, and an innocent man pays for it, huh? Oh, honey, send him my regrets. He'll appreciate that. Right up to the time they drop the cyanide pellets. You don't seem very shook up about it. Why don't you just quietly drop dead? Inez, anybody check your whereabouts the night Kim Lane was murdered? What kind of a crack is that? All I knew is you're doing the greatest silent act since they invented talkies, why? You told me that Martha Rayburn lied when she said she wasn't at her ballroom that night. - Why won't you tell the court? - Oh, get out of here. Did Fred Archer and Martha suggest you might bleed a little - if you cooperated with me? - Didn't I say get out of here? All right, honey, if that's the way you wanna play it. - And this is? - A subpoena. If you won't appear voluntarily, we'll do it the hard way. Look, Paul, I won't do Mason any good. If I show, I'll blast his client. Mr. Mason just wants to give you the opportunity to commit perjury on the stand because Faulkner and I will testify you told us an entirely different story. You know, you should do something about your personality. You'd give a girl a headache. Must be some headache. Well, I won't have it long. You know, we have something in common. You say I'll be responsible for Sanders' death, I say you've just become responsible for mine. [GLASS CLATTERS] [DOOR SLAMS] Honey, you should've used a gun. They just haven't figured out a way to remove a bullet with a stomach pump. Come on, Inez. Open up. Inez! [ENGINE STARTS] Well, hello, lieutenant. You find any trace of the girl? - We haven't looked. - You haven't looked? You told me she was loaded with sleeping pills. Here, taste. Sweet. Yeah, my guess is she took an old prescription bottle, put some sugar pills inside, and played a big death scene. Oh, and, Mason, don't try to use this as an excuse to delay the trial on Monday. I'm not speaking for myself, you understand, but the prosecution might think that you staged the whole thing. [DOOR OPENS] Perry, I checked her belongings, and all I could find were some drugstore cosmetics and these two evening dresses. Paul, I want Archer and Martha Rayburn watched every second till we find Inez. All right. Hello, Gertie, let me speak to Della. Della, I want you to get us two tickets on the 4:30 flight to Las Vegas. I'll meet you at the airport. No, no time now. I'll explain later. Paul, somehow, I've got to get inside Inez Kaylor's Las Vegas apartment. Listen, Kim Lane was buying a mink coat on time, wasn't she? Yeah. Inez was wearing it after Kim disappeared. So? Well, these conditional sales contracts provide that if the property's moved to another state, the seller has the right to repossess. And you wanna by out the contract on Kim Lane's mink coat. With the right to repossess is the right to enter the premises and reclaim the property. Mr. Mason, you've just gotten yourself into the finance business. No trace of it. That coat must be worth quite a lot of money. Mink coats don't come cheap, Mr. Wickett. Do you suppose Inez could be wearing it, Mr. Mason? That's quite possible, Miss Street. Now, what time does Miss Kaylor usually come in? In this town, that's anyone's guess. Then I'll wait. No need for you to be inconvenienced, Mr. Wickett. You've been quite helpful. - Uh... - Very helpful. - You check the bedroom. - Mm-hm. Did you find anything? Miss Kaylor's a clotheshorse, all right. Only the funniest thing, most of the labels are from foreign countries. I didn't know dance hostesses travelled so much. - Nor I. - Did you find anything? - Just the usual things. - Check the mail? No, I just came to it. Here. Oh. Most of it's been forwarded from Inez Kaylor's Los Angeles address. Some of it's addressed to Kim Lane. They lived together. I guess the landlady forwarded it all to Inez. Mm-hm. Bills, circulars. A few letters. Hmm. Look at this, Perry. "Universal Model Agency." [MASON READING TEXT] Report 20th of this month." Report where? There's no address but Los Angeles. Well, I guess Kim knew what the address was. [DOOR UNLOCKING] Well, you might as well come in. Thanks. Well, I suppose we owe each other an explanation. Now, what would make you suppose that? - For one thing, you don't belong here. - And you? At least I have a key. Well, let's call the police, shall we? You're probably bluffing, but I can't take the chance. Face the door over there. Hurry up. I haven't much time. - He took some of the mail, didn't he? - Mm-hm. Just one piece. I wonder. The card to Kim Lane. Universal Model Agency. In Los Angeles. Why all this trouble over a postcard? When we know the answer to that, we may find ourselves a murderer. [PHONE RINGING] WOMAN: Hello? Yeah. Oh, well, Jean may still be out of the country on that Central American job. Just a minute. Let me check the file. - You the girl that called yesterday? - Yes. The boss is busy. Just sit down. Yeah, she's still out of the country. We got another one free, though. Okay. She'll meet you in Mexico City. Hello, Marge. Oh. And how were things in Rio this time of the year? Didn't you notice my tan? You look absolutely stunning. Anything else coming up for me? I'll let you know. Okay. The boss will call you when he wants you. - I'm going down the hall for a minute. - Thank you. [FOOTSTEPS] You're the girl sent for me? Yes. Drop the coat. Yeah, you look all right. - Are you alone in town? - Yes. Except for my husband, that is. Your husband? Lady, did you read the ad? It said "unattached models." Well, I'm terribly sorry to have bothered you, Mr.-- And you and Mr. Archer were on Front Street and stopped for a signal when this man came towards you with a gun? That's correct. And the thief took nothing but Mr. Archer's wallet? That's right. And at no time did you go - to Danceland Ballroom that evening? - No, I had not. Your Honour, I object. These questions have already been asked and already answered. Mr. Mason is just going over and over the same points in this case. JUDGE: Mr. Mason, the questions have been repetitious, and they've contributed no new evidence. Objection sustained. Very well, Your Honour. Your Honour, may I have a moment, please? [INAUDIBLE] - Any lead to Inez Kaylor? - No, the phone number the model agency had for her was the Danceland Ballroom. In fact, that was the number listed for most of the models. And the man who runs the agency was the same character we met in Las Vegas. - The one who pulled the gun on me? - Mm-hm. Did you get his name? No, Paul's checking on it. - Perry. - Mm-hm. That purse Martha Rayburn has, one of the models at the agency has one just like it. As a matter of fact, I have seen one just like it myself. Here. Miss Rayburn, what sort of a relationship do you enjoy with your hostesses? It's strictly business. I don't believe in getting friendly with my girls. It destroys efficiency. And what are your policies as far as gifts and bonuses are concerned? I'm against them. Any girl who works for me can make a very good living if she's willing to work hard. I don't expect any gifts from them, so I don't see why - they should expect any from me. - I see. Then now, I should like to ask you something about the purse you're carrying. BURGER: Your Honour, really, Mr. Mason is insulting the intelligence of this court in his efforts to prolong this trial. If it please the court, I believe I can prove the pertinence of such an inquiry. Very well. Ahem. MASON: That is a rather unusual purse, Miss Rayburn. I had it made for me. Would you say such a purse could be purchased in one of the department stores in this city? No. Perhaps one of the of the smaller specialty shops? It was designed specifically for me. It could only be made upon my placing in the order. Miss Rayburn, did you read the newspaper accounts of the murder of one of your hostesses, Kim Lane? Yes, I did. Did you also see the accompanying newspaper photos, which included the personal effects believed to have belonged to Miss Lane? Yes, I did. Did you see her purse, perhaps? - Well, did you? - Yes. Wasn't that purse identical with the one you now hold? Well, Miss Rayburn? Yes, it was. I gave it to her. Most of my hostesses carry similar handbags. But just a few seconds ago, you said you felt that your help would be spoiled by such gifts. That it was against your policy to give them. Well, really, I don't consider a handbag a gift. I'm afraid the distinction escapes me. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Well, who does this one belong to? Kim Lane. How on Earth did you get it? Don't ask questions. And I've got to get it back to my contact at headquarters in an hour. All right, she'll get it back. Well, what would you say, Della? It's a little bulky. Outside of that, I couldn't say a thing. A little too bulky, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. You know the amount of junk some women carry. Let me see that. MASON: Hand me that nail file, will you? Mm-hm. Paul, did you get the name of the man who was running that model agency? Yeah. Joseph Gibbs. I'd like him called as a witness for tomorrow's session. All right. What about Martha Rayburn? I wanna recall her too. - Della. - Mm-hm. [SIGHS] Yeah, there's the manufacturer's tag. I would like you to do some shopping for me before court tomorrow. Here you are, Paul. Now, Miss Rayburn, I ask that you to examine this purse. Now, what if I told you that that purse belonged to Kim Lane? Your Honour, I wanna know where Mr. Mason got that purse. Your Honour, I will explain everything to the district attorney's satisfaction, after my examination of Martha Rayburn. I object. Your Honour, not only has Mr. Mason no right to that purse, but it's completely irrelevant to this case. I'm inclined to sustain the objection, Mr. Mason, unless you are in a position to assure this court that there is some factor in this situation which you intend to develop and which will establish a definite connection between the purse and the issues in this case. I can assure the court, I will show a connection with the purse. Very well. I'll overrule the objection and admit the evidence, subject of cause to the right of the prosecution to bring a motion to strike, in the event that the evidence has no such connection. Thank you, Your Honour. Lieutenant, find out where Mason got that purse. MASON: Now, Miss Rayburn, will you describe the inside of that handbag for the court, please? Well, it's roomy, well-made, and there's a separate compartment for everything. What about the mirror? Oh, yes, there's a mirror attached to the outside flap. MASON: And behind the mirror? Well, I don't know what you mean. There's a small setscrew. I took the liberty of loosening it. Would you remove the mirror, please? Thank you. There seems to be traces of some kind of powder here. Would you know what that is? I have no idea. It doesn't smell, so I don't suppose it would be face powder. But it does have a taste, Miss Rayburn. The taste of heroin. [CROWD MURMURING] Your Honour, I would suggest that the police confirm this analysis and that the district attorney's office investigate both Martha Rayburn and Fred Archer on charges of smuggling narcotics. That's not true. Order. Order in this court. You've made some very grave charges, Mr. Mason. Charges, Your Honour, which Miss Rayburn will corroborate for this court. I will? Miss Rayburn, sitting in the next room is a Mr. Joseph Gibbs waiting to testify. Among the questions I shall ask him is his connection with you. If he refuses to cooperate, I shall ask his records be subpoenaed and brought into this court. I shall also ask that everyone of your hostesses be subpoenaed along with their handbags. The traffic in narcotics has enraged every decent-thinking man and woman in this country. Now, Miss Rayburn, a jury of your peers might give you up to life in a federal penitentiary. Would you prefer that or the gas chamber? What do you mean? I mean, you're headed for the gas chamber by placing yourself in that car with Fred Archer as an accomplice to murder. The murder of Kim Lane and perhaps the murder of Inez Kaylor as well. Inez isn't dead. She's staying at a downtown hotel room. But Kim Lane is dead. Now, why did you and Archer kill her? I didn't have anything to do with it. Were you in that car with Fred Archer the night of the robbery? No, I wasn't. I only said that to help him. Why did Archer need help? Because the druggist reported that he saw a woman in the car during the robbery. And that woman was Kim Lane? - Yes. - Was she alive at the time? Was Kim Lane alive at the time of the robbery? No, she was dead. She was Archer's girlfriend. She threatened to go to his family unless he paid her. And he refused to pay? Well, no. No, he paid off, all right. In fact, I cashed one of the cheques for him myself. He took the money to Miss Lane to an apartment he rented under an assumed name. After he'd given her the money, he told her she had to clear out. While she was getting her things, he went out to get some cigarettes. When he came back about 20 minutes later, she was dead. And the robbery occurred while he was on his way to dispose of her body? Yes. No further questions. Mr. Burger? Your Honour, in view of these developments, I should like to ask for a continuance. Your Honour, in the interest of overall justice in this case, I should like to call one more witness. Proceed. Then, bailiff, will you ask Mr. Drake to bring in Joseph Gibbs? That's all I know about it. I had a business connection with Miss Rayburn, but that's as far as it went. Tell us about this business connection. Well, she had these hostesses, I'd send them to different countries on modelling assignments. They'd get a load of snow and then bring it back in. - Snow? - Heroin. Were the hostesses aware of their real function when they went were sent - on these foreign assignments? - No. What was their regular procedure when they returned to this country? Well, they'd report to the Universal Model Agency. Go on. If there wasn't anybody around, we'd take pictures of them. While they were in front of the camera, I'd switch the little compartment under the mirror in their bag. What would you do if a stranger happened to be in the office? Well, we worked the switch another time. So should they have discovered what they were being used for, they were in an excellent position to try blackmail? But they never found out. What about Kim Lane? What about her? - Wasn't she blackmailing you? - No. Then where did that money come from? Well, you heard what Miss Rayburn said. She got 5,000 from Archer. With the court's permission, I should like the stenographer to read Miss Rayburn's testimony about the blackmail. Permission is granted. Thank you, Your Honour. Where would you like for me to begin? Toward the end of the examination. STENOGRAPHER: "Was she Archer's girlfriend?" That's about it. "Yes, she threatened to tell his family if he didn't pay off. Question: And he refused to pay? Answer: No, he paid, all right. I cashed one of his cheques myself. He took the money to Miss Lane to an apartment he had rented under an assumed name." That's enough, thank you. Now, Mr. Gibbs, did it say anywhere there that Miss Lane received $5,000 from Mr. Archer? All right, I guess it didn't. But you knew the exact amount. Well, Kim must've told me. Kim Lane could only have told you that in one place. In Fred Archer's apartment. In Fred Archer's apartment where you killed her. Killed her for $5,000. I- - I demand to see a lawyer. [CROWD MURMURING] That's all, Your Honour. The district attorney is ordered to take the necessary steps against the parties involved, and the defendant is ordered released from custody. This court is adjourned. [GAVEL BANGS] [CROWD CHATTERING] Thank you, Mr. Mason. See you shortly. [CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me, lieutenant. I never actually said it was Kim Lane's handbag. What did you say? If you look at the record, you'll see I said, "Suppose I told you it was her handbag." Can I help it if Miss Rayburn jumped to an unwarranted assumption. Yeah, but what about the heroin? You know what that was, flour. There's something that bothers me. Who did hold up Fred Archer that night? Well, now, he'll probably turn up. They usually do. It was a sheer coincidence that whoever did hold him up just happened to drop Archer's wallet and Kim Lane's purse in Sanders' trashcan. Sounds logical. You know what I like about this case? You managed to kill two birds with one stone. You solved a murder and a robbery. Not a bad day's work. Well, thank you. [CHUCKLES, KNOCK ON DOOR] We got a wandering boy. - Hi, beautiful. Am I intruding? - No more than usual. You know, one of these days you're gonna give me a complex. Oh, Perry, it's all arranged. Sanders starts work Monday at the Concord Record Shop. - Good. - Record shop? Yeah, he likes music. This way he can listen to it all day and still get paid. Oh, incidentally, the police found Inez Kaylor. - Is she all right? - Mm-hm. And a lot wiser. She's going to business college. - Business college? - Mm-hm. - Want some coffee? - No, I gotta run. I'm supposed to pick up Inez at 9. Well, she wants me to recommend a good business college. Just what do you know about business colleges? Are you kidding? I used to teach at one of the finest. MASON: Mm-hm. Paul was the track coach. They figured any girl he couldn't catch in three laps around the desk was ready for the business world. [BOTH CHUCKLE] [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] our story begins in Cannes on the French Riviera You have been there? Well then you certainly know this street the street of longing with its palace hotels Those who move in here are worried that they can't afford it they find out that they couldn't. but beautiful it is on the beach where sales girls dress like millionaires' daughters and vice-versa Or do you see a difference? The port of Cannes a port where everyone wants to arrive peaceful and quiet lies the yacht of the Greek shipping magnate next to the one of the Arab oil prince Much more peaceful and quieter than their owners While the ladies slurp their cocktails try the gents to snatch each other's millions that they snatched from someone else years ago. This is the building in which the annual film festival takes place too at the casino of Cannes And now something for the car enthusiasts famous Corniche my apologies ... this is the Grande Corniche the road that connects Cannes with Monte Carlo So much charm so much umbrella the creme of society uses suntan lotion to protect itself from the equally lavish sun Everything is well-oiled the extra-cautious are extra careful like this hydrophobic female dog enjoying the ride if one has the necessary change Cannes offers something to everyone something always happens in Cannes speaking of happening - now our story begins This is the dream home of Edward Collin son of the legendary scrap metal kings he is a pleasant but unconventional young man very wealthy and because of that everything is more expensive for him than what ordinary mortals can afford it is not yet Eddie Collin this man because our story finally begins. You! Who is this man? His name is Alfons. I employed him as a helper. unfortunately. I don't need a helper to eat the cold buffet. The guests will do that. He is supposed to welcome the guests in the driveway. but he will leave when the guests leave. Madam. with two 'p' Two 'p' are too many for me. Trouble seems to be brewing. What is the matter? I thought I am being fired ! ? Not yet! but if the old hag sees me .... The old hag's name is Madam Sorel and ... is the future mother-in-law of Mr. Collin! Ah the future one ... Isn't it a bit soon for her to have moved in? she just pretends to own this place already. I hear the first guests. Please go to the driveway to welcome them. but take the back way. Very well. your groom shines by being absent. Does this bother you? To the contrary. Darling! Armand! I would appreciate if you disappeared for a while. Mom? Eddie does not mind. until now he doesn't. Nobody has told him about you two yet. But the first guests shouldn't see Armand here. Especially not holding hands with you. Your mother is right. I have to change clothes anyway. I will be back in half an hour. Ciao! Alice. You are not yet married to Eddie. you can do whatever you want. Hello! Oh my dear! Am I the first guest? I prefer it this way. We can talk without being interrupted. Where is the host? He will be a little late. He asked me to do the introductions. some finance magnate. I believe it must be a larger transaction dear friend. Why is that? Your demands exceed my current financial means. you cheater! Cross my heart! I have no money. Nonsense. My dad says .... ... you are one of these dirty millionaires. (laughs) Yes that's true. I am one of these not-so-clean millionaires. He who does not pay his model is not a painter but a crook. I will pay. I just have no cash on me at the moment. I am penniless. Do I not get credit? but I don't get credit at the movies. Why don't you come home with me. And you all come along as well. I believe I already have guests .... Thank you very much. Who is this? The Count of Baskerville. And which one is the count? Let's go. wait! you can't just ride onto this property. Of course I can. Do you want to see? no. I will get fired if you ride in. I have only been employed here for one hour. That's what I thought. What is your name? Alfons Rapper with two "p". And you? to fetch some cash. Then please use the delivery aunts ... the delivery entrance over there. But the kids cannot come with you. Why not? Mr. Collin loves children. but not his bride and neither his future mother-in-law. Do you know what the old hag said earlier? Let's hope Madam Noel does not bring her horrible offspring said the young one Said the young one? yes. So please don't cause any inconvenience I already get the sense I won't be here long. you are staying! (chuckles) You are a mad dog But likeable newcomers. I have to go. mad dog .... boys. gentlemen ... His Serene Highness looks magnificent today. The right leg hurts sometimes. We are all not getting any younger ... My doctor says that it is a sign of old age. Here you can see how little doctors know It is only the right leg that hurts The left one is just as old. your Serene Highness. Did you hire this band? Me? No. please. doesn't it? Sounds like the cat is conducting. A five minute break as always. as always. Don't you want to change? Why? I fit better in with my guests this way. you do know that the Count of Baskerville is here. with his hound? your ennoblement has been confirmed. But I don't want to be ennobled. think how happy Alice would be if you were at least a count my mother's mother was an "of" (von) of " unknown descent I am at a loss of words This is a rare event Now she went looking for words You could be a bit nicer towards Mom. I could not. You know very well that I hate these twerps Why do I have to deal with them? among other things I enjoy surrounding myself with important people. And not just these filthy street urchins. sometime I think you don't even like children. I like you. now send the kids their way and change clothes. but .... my love. we have to split up. and where is our cake? You promised! Let me figure something out don't forget my money! You are sneaking around to steal It is not for myself but for the poor kids over there. Do you have a problem with it? no. And I am more human. I am please to hear that. Wait Give it to me. Take this one. It is bigger. But don't get caught! Thank you. Mr. Collin? Mr. Collin? Jean. What is the matter? I assume I am fired. The opposite - you are staying. I can use an honest person. ha How did he amass such riches? Inherited. His father was less honest. Please - don't bad-mouth my master's ancestors. understood? What can that be? I don't know. Should I turn it? - Chicken! kids A gentlemen is outside who claims to be your friend. A friend? Hold this. a human being. It's been almost a year I was in London when you were in Paris I was in Paris. of course. that's out of question. When I saw all these people I wanted to leave again. I can relate. And I rented a little house in St. Paul de Vence Why don't you come over for a drink so that I can show you my new paintings very interesting - more than these geezers down there. If you give me your cake I will turn it. - Deal! Let's get out of here. Eddie! The moment has come when I accept your invitation for a whisky. you stay and report back to me. I will report. Let's go. Welcome under my roof do you still paint? Or did you forget everything I taught you? Doesn't this tell you? It is my only treat Pretty place. The kid could use a bath My favorite model for when I need a break from work I paint super-crazy broads all year long. You poor guy. I am very sorry. If it wasn't for the money ... the better the pay. What do you have on the easel? A wedding present Another one of these ladies ... She persuaded me to work for her. But you let her persuade you Her name is Alice Sorel Do you like her? a lot I am warning you. - Why? because she is spoken for. because she is only interested in money How do you know? The whole Riviera knows that And then the mother ... Let me tell you She sometimes comes along Money is all she knows Especially the money of her future son-in-law I feel so sorry for the poor idiot who is the lucky guy? You mean the unlucky guy? No idea. Some rich idiot. He better get the rope ready to hang himself. because she has a lover She brought him along twice I think his name is Armand. - Armand? I had such a feeling. What feeling? most lovers are called 'Armand'. in Balzak or Dumas. I have a bad conscience when I paint her out of solidarity But then I will lose my fee She will not pay anything herself Marcel You will get your fee And the poor fool is already warned. How? Who warned him? You. Me? Yes. Just now. Why? You? Me. please. too. The young lady was all wet. And how the dog and the count bit each other! Don't laugh! Leave my house at once! I'd be glad to. What is the address? What address? Of your house. This house belongs to Mr. Collin. Do I really have to put up with this? Alice! ? Did Mr. Collin share with you where he went? No. He asked me to report to him and then he left. What did he ask you to do? He asked me to stay here and report everything. that is. I am speechless. madam. is my guest still asleep? Guest" is hardly appropriate. What kind of character did you bring home this time? No luggage No tooth brush and sleeps naked He did not like my pajama You surely have seen a naked man before? Not for a while. Marcel. Eddie. I have not slept this will in a while. madam. Morning. Oops! Marie does not like people who travel without luggage. She has a point there. I better call Alfons. He can bring my suitcase. Make it quick. I have to go to the chapel on the hill. For a date? With the sun. It has the right angle right now. Where is your phone? and please ask for Alfons. Because in my house you never know who picks up the phone. Yes please? it is me in person. Mr. Collin. Mr. Collin. I don't need to be quiet. There's nobody here. What happened after I left last night? Mr. Collin. the count was very upset and Ms. Sorel got bitten the count's dog. She was about to dry of the old gentleman then they all left deeply insulted. listen. Pack a suitcase with the essentials bring my check book from the desk but be careful so nobody notices And if they ask - you don't know where I am Mr. Collin. But even if they don't ask I don't know where you are. I am in St. Paul de Vence. At the house of Mr. Marcel Magnol Take the white Jaguar Whom? The white Jaguar? Where is it? And why is it white? I once saw a Jaguar at the zoo with brown spots more on the back ALFONS! it is a car brand. I see. I will fetch the white coupe from the garage. Yes. I am finished. Um. I will do everything you said. The blond panther is approaching Yes. Bye-bye and farewell. Live long and prosper. madam You made a phone call? that's what this modern facility is called. I don't think Mr. Collin will appreciate. neither. One has to ask oneself what our forefathers used to annoy themselves before the invention of the telephone I asked you once before to watch your language May I ask with whom you spoke on the phone? With .... my sister from my mother's side she put a nail in the wall a few days ago and now she purchased a painting to decorate the nail one of these ale ... eel ... oil paintings Scotch Brite with a sponge No scrubbing! Please let Mr. Collin know that I am here unfortunately. Mr. Collin is away. he already left? yesterday. He decided not to sleep at home. He was gone the entire night? I don't understand. But I do. Look at this motiv? Is it not wonderful? right? I think I captured it fairly well. Yes. I wonder where my model is? Normally he sits right there at this hour. Gaston! Magnol? where is the old beggar? He drowned. he drowned? In booze. He spent the entire 500 francs and pawned his guitar and hat He will be out for three days That's unfortunate You know something? I will model. You only need a shadow. Terrific. will you? but my 1000 francs? You will get them. Now go. Here come the props Do I look like a beggar? Not quite. One moment! My only shirt! Alfons must be on his way with your stuff. stop! How are you going to drive? Not at all. I don't know how to. We will push. Come here. All the way to St. Paul? That's high up on the mountain. That's a bummer. uncle Alfons has an idea. Can I sing while I model? of course. He sings alright. but a street bum I don't think he worked once in his life That's very sad Sad does not do it justice. It is a tragedy with this boy Why? I have known him for so long He used to be my student His parents were very wealthy and- ? A woman is responsible for this That's why he has these sad eyes didn't you? but fresh. Too bad for him. What's too bad? Ninette. Ninette! who is this girl? She attends a hotel school in Paris and works a summer job here at the Drap d'Or. She is charming. Did she ask about me? she asked who you are and what you do. you said ...? The truth - that you never worked in your life. And she? She found that despicable. - Justifiably so. But I think she likes your sad eyes. Really? Usually they like my money. I think these two ladies over there Ninette will not be interested in them So you think she like me the way I am? Anything is possible. You know what? I'll stay like this for a while I just called Mom. Eddie did not come home at all last night. This has not happened before. You sound like you were married already Once I'll be his wife He can stay away every night I wish you were already only one more week I find it reckless to schedule the engagement for Friday the 13th. Eddie claims it is his lucky day. It is an unlucky day for me Can you imagine if it got postponed? Would that really be so bad for you? We need the money. I have more debt than hair. And you have a lot of hair. This was the best bouillabaisse ever! Thank you! A wonderful woman Yes she is. I'll go buy oil colors. and I'll rest on the terrace. Modeling is very tiring. this was the first time I worked. I hope not the last time. take of your shirt. Why? So that I can finally wash it and sew it. but my luggage is on its way. Luggage? You can't be serious. So take it off. If I must. Mr. Magnol? Mr. Magnol? He is not home. it is you. yes. Are you all alone? surprised? Marcel trusts me. He knows I don't steal from friends. Excuse my outfit. My shirt is being washed. Put this on. Does it fit? Like a glove. It seems to be new. Who was the original recipient? You! Me? even if you don't deserve it. I am blown away. The first time that I received a gift. Until now .. What until now? I sort of had to find the stuff myself. And this watch? too. I got it when the light went out. You should be ashamed. I sinned a lot. First in school .... Even know I am a fugitive. Who are you running away from? From myself. I swore never to fall in love again. Now I broke my oath. I don't believe a word. I have to go. Do you have a message for Marcel? Not really. I just wanted to ask him ... What did you want to ask? if you are worthy of being helped. If you would accept a job. A job? a job. I can tell - you don't like to work. I'll be honest - not much. But since I met you ... I very much feel like working I could get you a job with Napoleon. Napoleon! ? Isn't he dead? the owner of the Trap d'Or. Do you know it? the best restaurant around. I have walked past it many times. There is also a large parking lot. is out sick. You could fill in for him. but the tips are great. Tips - fantastic. My specialty. But there is one catch. I will be responsible for you. I have to vouch that nothing gets stolen. Old Pierre is an honest man. Young Pierre is as well. he will be. also? Coincidence! You can absolutely vouch for me. then. Report to work tonight at 7pm. Ok. - Bye bye. Good bye. This goes too far. Yes please? Take this outside to the new parking attendant. How kind of you. Napoleon has a heart. He better not get drunk. sir. Enjoy your dinner. Pierre! Everything ok? Business is great. Look at this. I earned this much in 15 minutes. Do you want your share? Keep it. You need it more than I. Napoleon sends this. What an idiot. Not really an idiot. This worked great. I learned to drive in 3 days. Who is this? This is Alfons. with two "p". he is ... from my mother's side. on the maternal side. His mother and I were cousins [vettern]. But I am fatter than him [fetter]. Is this your car? His boss'. It belongs to a young millionaire. I don't like millionaires. uncle? Ninette does not like millionaires. the young lady's name is Ninette! How nice! [nett] You should stay like this. uncle Alfons. Back to work. Will I see you after? When we close. You have to stay until the last car leaves. Bye. Bye. I love to stay. isn't that Eddie? You! Good evening. Don't mind me. I've had it! Do I hear your correctly - you want to report a missing person? he is not really missing. My daughter saw him last night. too. Here is proof that they met. then? either. We don't want to report anything. We want you to search and find him. We cannot search anyone without a missing person report. please decide. Assault or missing person? I vote for assault. then. Name of the perpetrator? Edward Collin Holy moly. The son of the scrap metal king? What is your relationship? relationship? My daughter is his bride! Why do you laugh? Look at uncle Alfons! So this contains oxygen? Uh-um. How long does it last under water? About a half hour. Not enough for me. you want to stay longer? I have to. I can't swim. how does this work? Just pull the trigger. I got a shark with it once. there are sharks here? Lots of them. I'll go for a swim now. not me. that will be it for today. But this wasn't very long. Why? work! As sure as my name is Pierre Rappert. because I don't like an idle person. what. Let's talk about you. Go ahead. Are you engaged? But there must be someone that you like ...? Uh–huh For long? Unh-Unh And does he love you back? He has not admitted to it yet? Does he know that you .. um love him? He must be a complete fool. He should have sensed it immediately. Bummer I hope that at least his ears are ringing now. too. me? Cheers! Have you seen Robert? he stayed under water for too long. a shark! Bull's-eye! I shot it into sushi Are you insane? The first talking shark! I think I better disappear. Robert! Are you badly injured? Are any important body parts affected? This is baloney. Poor Robert. - Let me see. Ouch. Do you need support? Can you walk? but not sit. How am I going to play drums tonight? Ouch ..... What are you doing? I play drums. I am a drummer. I am sorry. - Don't be silly. Ninette Where is Robert? lying on his stomach. That's not what I hired him for. He was harpooned while swimming after lunch. Like a fish He asked Pierre to fill in. I don't like this Pierre. But I do. -I know. I only hired him because of you But as parking attendant and not chimney sweep who climbs on roofs. On the first day he ruined a car and knocked out a guest. and now he is in the band. But he plays every instrument I know. He's a genius. he will leave. too. Just like that. just like that. Mr. Magnol? Delicious. Specially prepared for you In its own ink. Ninette. Keep the change. Mr. Blanc. Did you think about my offer? The La Reserve hotel would be a much better suited backdrop for your beauty you'll learn more. Think about the new contacts that you can make. The hotel is part of the Collin empire. One hotel in every large city in Europe. please think about it. too? A waiter? Fine. how do you like our band? Not bad. They are decent. the police. On or off duty? Evening. Evening. how is business? I could not stand it. You must know most people who pass by here. Do you know this man? No. Never seen him before. He's is new to me. He is supposed to hang around in this area. He does not look like a tramp. That's not what he is. Supposedly he is very wealthy. All of a sudden he ... came off the rocker. Disappeared from his home. His family is very concerned. His family? The family of the bride. I will take a look at the restaurant. That's I good idea. I am coming with you. A lavish crowd. but not their tips. Do you seen him here? not a trace. Then let's go in further. come! What's going on? A cop is looking for you. So what? You did not commit a crime. but think about Ninette. She must not find out who I am. and not in this way. She will think we are playing a joke on her. She wouldn't be entirely wrong. I am very serious about her. There! Do you know this man? Of course I know him Ninette? I expected something like this. There he is! Open! open up! How dare you? Open! One moment! Open! are you in a hurry? What did you have for dinner? Good night. good night. what shame. This could just be a mistake. I don't care. I don't want to see him here again. too. Thank you. What a vulgar person. He did not get him. Please tell me why you wanted to arrest him. just verify his identity. But why? What was his crime? he just forgot something. What? That he is engaged. His fiancée reported him missing. Fiancée? what are you doing? I am trying to dry off and was waiting for you. Why did you run away? Nobody needs to hear what we have to discuss. Come with me. I wonder what is taking Ninette so long. Did you talk to her last night? but the police officer. The officer? Yes There she is. Ninette! Ninette. What's the matter? Because of the police officer? I once saved the life of a police man I pulled him out of the water and they wanted to award me a life saver medal but I don't like any kind of medal Why didn't you tell me that you are engaged? Because it is not true. You liar! please believe me. but I no longer am. How come? She only wanted me for my money. Your money? the other way. I mean she is terribly wealthy and I don't want a rich girl. The girl I want must be as poor as I am. she can even be a bit poorer. believe me. And what you just told me is all true? Ask Marcel - you believe him. Alright. I will ask him. Ninette! Marcel. I am wrapping your wedding gift. Wedding gift? my wedding gift. My wedding gift for my former fiancée. She wants to marry another guy and I am giving her a painted of Marcel that he does not need to pay for And this is true? Cross my heart! Ninette. I believe you. Alright then. You can start your new job with Mr. Blanc. He is the new waiter at the Hotel La Reserve. At the La Reserve? Why are you laughing? I am not. Edward Collin owns the place. He is a good friend of mine. And this is so funny? I find this very funny. Congratulations to your new job. Me too. Report with the HR manager at 8am. You will do room service on the 6th floor. But I won't see you if I work all day. But yes. Every day. Am starting there tomorrow as well. Bye bye Good bye. Isn't she sweet? she is. The more reason to end this comedy. it is too soon. I must prove to Ninette that I am not just a lazy bum. and that I was forced to do nothing. I must prove to her that I can work when I have to. have fun at the La Reserve. Dropping this off for Ms. Sorel All set. What did I hear? We have a reservation for Alfons Collin? We have to get the executive suite ready. It was requested that Sir Alfons get a room on the 6th floor. my friend. Who is this Sir Alfons? I was told he is the uncle of Edward Collin. Please connect me with the Collin villa. Your lordship I find this hilarious. And the best is that we got rid of Ms. Sorel. Cheers I would not have lasted two more days. Cheers. Jean? Please take the call. Sir Alfons. This is the Collin villa? It is Director Blanc. Sir. the receptionist heard correctly. What? Sir Alfons is a bit strange. He spent 13 years in the Himalayas He is accustomed to higher elevations and insists on staying on the 6th floor. You! What are you doing? I am "unstaining" this lady Daisy! What nerve! Mom! Mom! child? Look at this! What audacity! But I warned you! And this letter came with it. This is my wedding gift for you. I hope you will be happy together. Signed: Eddie Come in sir? Yes can't you pay attention? I am sorry. Unbelievable! May you'll stop now. reading the paper you! Hello. come over here. come. You are new? brand new. Stand over there. with your colleagues. A bit more to the right. I have to make an important announcement. Sir Alfons Collin will arrive in a few minutes he will stay in room 601. I think you should know That his nephew owns our hotel. Mr. Edward Collin. Mr Collin has not found it worth his while yet to visit our hotel. He seems to be a strange young fellow. He appears to be one can short of a six pack. Cover your mouth! OK. And shut up. too appears to be a bit odd or he wouldn't be staying in 601 but in a suite on the 1st floor that would be more appropriate for his wealth and rank. or shall we say because of it you must be very polite with Sir Alfons Collin. Understood? Yes. this seems to run in the family. Sir Alfons. Jean! I don't need you anymore. Sir Alfons. You are doing it correctly. The spoon must stick in it. madam. May I? young man. What is your name? Eddie. um. Pierre. is your job hard? I don't know yet. This is my first day. That's why I have not seen you before. madam. Is there anything else I can do? not at the moment. young man. Sir Alfons. So do I. and if you change your mind the executive suite is available. That's not a good sign. The executive suite should never be available. I think I will advise my nephew To visit this place. What is your name? Hercule Blanc. Mr. Cule .... Mr. Blanc. Now please send me the waiter. Stop Please hang me. My pleasure.s Sir Alfons. of all people. Go in there anyway. the man is dangerous. One mistake and you will get the boot. please? Go! Sir Alfons! ? please 2 whiskys. I could use them. He is gone. What a sleazy human being. You could say that. what a job. Some of the guests' requests you wouldn't believe. The black widow from South America is the worst. Widows in a hotel are always bad news. And she goes through coffee like water 7 moccas already I will Now I understand what a hard worker Ninette's is I haven't said hi to her yet. Do you know where she is? on the small coffee terrace. use the back stairs. madam. I want ice cream. Vanilla and lemon. And you? A Highball Lemon ice cream with whisky Why are you hiding? Director Blanc must not see me here. You are right. Ninette. Do you like it here? very much so far. 620 wants to speak with you. I am coming. Ninette. How dare you? did someone ring for me? Someone? The whole hotel rang. But I know what to do in such an event. I used to work in a hotel myself. What does one do? What does one do? Nothing. One pretends to be deaf. the black widow again. I won't even guess what she wants. Kitchen? A double mocha for room 605 with a dash of potassium cyanide. Come in. Madam asked for me? thank you for coming. Please have a seat. Thank you. You may not know that I own several hotels in South America I am aware of that. I intend to purchase property here on the riviera. Do you think that this hotel could be for sale? Not out of the question. among other things. He does not show much interest in the hotel business. Come in. I have your mocha here with me. you can read my mind. madam. The service in this hotel is first class. At least on the 6th floor. Madam. Have you met Edward Collin in person? madam. Thank you. If I have met him in person? This is not the right way to describe it. so to speak. young man. If you are friends it must be a piece of cake for you to ask him if he would consider selling this hotel? I could .... It depends on what is in it for me. If you know what I mean? Every man for himself! of course. madam. Don't you want to go? My apologies. this man. madam. I have a plan. of course. Let's say five percent of the purchase price Five percent? It will save you a lot of money. Mr. Collin is a a dud when it comes to business matters. It could work like this ... I will pay Mr. Collin a visit. it is time to get rid of the La Reserve. I will prepare some papers that will show that the hotel is losing money. In reality it is a gold mine. He will be happy to sell. madam? Excellent. You eaves-dropped? I took the liberty. May I? Of course. Mr. Blanc. But not this bad a crook. How dare you? easy. Let's not get excited. And no worries. I can keep a secret. But there is a cost to it. Madam will understand. Every man for himself! I totally understand This is blackmailing. That's such a big word. I will make sure that Mr. Blanc won't forget you. And so will I. I am outraged. madam? Maybe later. And this in my hotel. I don't even know who hired this guy. Mr. Blanc. madam. Every hotel has honest and dishonest people. From the wait staff all the way to the directors. my feet hurt. Thanks. But I am glad I am here. I can finally look behind the scenes. Mr. Blanc's days are numbered. I hope so. I didn't like him from the beginning. You are being called for. Probably room 605 again. Mocha for madam Pia. very likable. 604 this time. Another widow. From Texas. With two horrible brats. Playing cowboys and indians all day. I wish I could help you with the widows .the work... the widow work Alfons. You must finish what you start. He is coming! Come in. Stop! Hands up! The white hunter is not on the warpath. But the Comanches have dug up the hatchet! this goes too far. you are going to get a beating. where is your widow ... uh ... your mom? She is not here. And who rang the bell? of course. We wanted to trap the enemy. or or you will go to the happy hunting grounds. I have spoken. my ladies. I have not seen you in a while. Are you staying some place else? we are still with you. You must be quite busy now with wedding preparations. You can say that. I want to thank you for the arrangement of the engagement buffet that Mr. Collin asked me to do. I have not had the honor to meet Mr. Collin yet and I assume I owe this to your intervention. I put in a good word for you. You are probably waiting for Sir Alfons? Whom? Sir Alfons Collin. He has already arrived. Who has arrived? Sir Collin? the brother of his deceased father. He ended his hermit life in the Himalayas to attend the wedding. Himalayas? Yes. mother? Did you say Alfons? Sir Alfons Collin. What does he look like? He is not easy to describe. Does he have a round face? Yes. And not a very intelligent expression? one could say the opposite is the case. Unbelievable. Do you know who this is? A servant who got the boot. A fraud. I suspected this right away. He is in room 601. Alice. Let's pay Sir Alfons a courtesy visit. This job is life-endangering. Tell me about it. I am sorry. Alfons! how long did you work as a waiter? I never worked in an upscale place. They don't treat you well. someone is ringing. I did not like this person right away. And his vocabulary - straight from a dockside bar. I look so pale today Listen - the voice of Ms. Sorel. lock the door. From inside! We should alert the police. we should. If you are certain that you are not mistaken. There he is! I was not mistaken. I am exposed. I hope I am not yet. What should we do now? Open up! You know what? We won't open. Come. We won't open! We? Are there more than one? Are you afraid of heights? I am said to be bright. open the door. Mr. Blanc will call the police if you refuse. what are you doing? Sleeping Beauty is napping. Come Quiet Is this the black widow? Yes. Who is this? my necklace. Help! I was robbed! My necklace! Did you see the thief? Pierre! the waiter and another man. A fat one. Where did they go? No idea. And I actually liked him. There! There they are! That's all we needed. Sir Alfons? We are in a tight spot. in a bright lot. please. May I ask you to come in? after you. Unfortunately not possible. You go first. The rules. Please .... Not very luxurious. We use it rarely. It's been three years since I came to St Paul de Vence and this is the first time that I have the pleasure to look after real criminals I hope we will not disappoint you. How is the food here? The food .... it is .... ... it is lousy. But one surely can get delivery from outside? if the gentlemen have cash ... we have liquid cash. Alfons? maybe a few bottles of wine? enough for a party three. Are you expecting another guest? We hope you will join us. With your permission. It will be my pleasure. With tobacco you are all set? we don't smoke. But I do. You are welcome. Thank you. Unfortunately I have to lock you in. The rules ... The rules! What a likable person. I like this. everything. Since I've met Ninette I am experiencing all the highs and lows of this life. I am experiencing with you. Do you really believe he stole the necklace? I don't believe that. He promised me. He swore. What did he swear? That he would never again commit injustice That he would do honest and hard work and that after his parole we will marry. I don't see that happen. The marriage? the work. you must help me. What can I do? You must help me with helping Pierre. You know everybody here. You must know the prison director. They don't have a director. Raymond. We play boules on Sundays. Poor Pierre. He now languishes in prison on bread and water. don't do it. Don't fall for it. let's go inside. Someone wants to come in. Wants to? Or has to? I don't want to be disturbed. disturbed .... I only have this one cell. Here. Thank you. forgive me but it is the rule. That's it. Careful. Come! Always these lobsters ... This is unheard of. Not even here one can find piece. A letter. From Ninette! I cannot believe you are a thief. and I want to help you". That's nice of her. I will abduct you tonight with the help of Mr. Magnol. Alfons! I have never been abducted before. Me neither. too. - Thank you. What else did she write? kisses ..." the rest is none of your business. I knew right away that the two are well-off. Especially the one with the round face. Alfons is his name. You can see the gentleman in him at first sight. I am an expert in judging the human character. Raymond. are you in on this? Well ... why don't the two just prove their identity? They'd just have to show their passports and ask you to testify. that would take all the fun out. Don't you agree? yes? I beg your pardon .... who? The chief .... the chief! Sorry? This is fantastic! It is fantastic! I am relieved to get rid of these two guys. chief. Good night. The necklace was found. It had slipped under a chair cushion. Your friends are free to go. wait! But I have to free the prisoners right away? it is not that simple. You are going to spoil the fun. Just think about it. Little Ninette cannot wait to to prove her love through this adventurous abduction. And I find it wonderful that in our horribly automated and atomic time there is still romance. With a throbbing heart she frees her love from prison and abducts him in the dark night into an uncertain future. Tearing down all bridges behind them big golden heart for her lover. Isn't that beautiful? It is beautiful. It is very beautiful. And what do I have to do? You have to bring them this food basket. No food basket ... they can't eat anymore. They are stuffed. Who said that they need to eat? Just like the Count of Monte Christo. That's right. then sit on your chair and snore. What a nice bouquet of flowers. Why flowers? A violet [Feile vs. Veilchen]. Hurry in a flurry I feel a draft It is drafty here. The door is open. The door is unlocked! Mr. Collin! Bummer... Why bummer? It was so romantic. Filing and the abduction ... let's use the door. Pierre! Did you suffer a lot? terribly. Mice and rats ... and moldy bread Poor you! Please do not distract the driver. A new life begins. An honest one. a new life begins for us. where are you bringing me? To Mr. Magnol's friend for now. Where nobody will look for you. And what does the friend say? he is in Africa hunting big game. His mansion is empty and deserted. Jean. Jean? Jean. Nobody else. You really don't know where Mr. Collin is? No idea. And you said the engagement was broken? yes. But why did nobody tell me? Why weren't the guests notified? No idea. Mysteries and more mysteries. This does not look deserted to me. But it looks beautiful. What's today's date? Friday the 13th. My engagement party. I forgot to cancel the invitations. Let's take the back door. where is the host? I don't know. I have not seen him in days. either. I sense that we will get a surprise today. ladies. Marcel. The surprise is here already. I have to apologize in Eddie's name. We had a mishap. A car accident? Much worse. A love accident. Pierre? love? Put this back immediately. I don't think so. I am glad to have it. Come here. I have a couple of interesting things. You promised to never steal again. Especially not from friends. Mr. Collin is not my friend but Marcel's and second ... hello. Now we are finished. but this comedy. Hold this. May I? This is the fellow who I looked for the whole .... I wouldn't point a naked finger at Mr Collin. or refer to him as a 'fellow'. this is Mr. .... ? It is him! I guess I am finished now. Mr. Blanc. Please. Mr. Collin? Tuxedo or tailcoat? Mr. Collin would like to keep this on. but without us. As always. Is this really true? sorry Ninette. I am not a bum or a thief. Just a pool millionaire. Does this bother you? I hope you will get used to it. May I be the first to congratulate? uncle Alfons. I have to disappoint you. either. I am just the servant of my master. And my mistress. you were. You are fired. As a servant. But you will remain in the family as uncle Alfons. A family that I hope will be numerous. CAPITAN FUOCO / CAPTAIN FALCON (Orig. Germ.: Rebell ohne Gnade) It's the end of the 13th Century; and Nobles have absolute power over the lives and wellbeing of their serfs. In the foothills of the Apennines, there are two neighbours, Count di Roccalta and Baron di Serra. And they have very different ideas on how to govern their subjects... Here they come. Brilliant! A fantastic shot! Tell the others to get a fire started. Halt! Throw down that knife! Seize him! Is the apple to your liking, Captain? A man must eat. How much longer is this game going to last? You know the Count is such an enthusiastic hunter. Holy Hubertus, what does he find so special about it? A splendid hunt, Countess. I hope that you fared well today. I assume your Father will be returning soon. Oh, I don't think so. He still wants another wood grouse. I couldn't keep up with him. My Father is such an avid hunter, the kind who never gets tired. Can there be a finer passion than hunting, though? After armed combat, it is clearly the noblest. Look! They're bringing someone in. What do they have there? Excuse me, please. Who is this fellow? A poacher, Sir. We caught him red-handed. He had just killed this boar. Did he put up much resistance? None at all. If he had, I can assure you... he wouldn't be standing here now. Who is that little beauty? - Er, what do you mean? Over there. The pretty girl. There's nothing there to dislike. She's as sweet as honey. How dare you speak that way about the daughter of the Count? Did you hear what he just said? - But it's the plain truth. She really is as sweet as honey. I'll soon shut your impudent mouth. You'll feel the power of my fist. Manfredo, what did he do? He was poaching. That explains why he is bound. Why did you also strike him? That's an easy question. I couldn't resist... Leave him. Answer me - didn't you know that only the Count... is permitted to hunt in these woods? Sweet Countess, the animals here have no master. You delude yourself. Everything in this shire: men, animals, dwellings, belong to my Father, and only he has a right to them, no-one else. The wild boar knew nothing of that, else it wouldn't have let itself be hunted by me. You have a ready wit. However, it is more rude than amusing. I don't like people of that kind. That's a shame. When I first saw you, I liked you immediately. That's enough of that. Manfredo, I decide when enough is enough. We come to the crux of the matter. How should a poacher be punished? With 50 lashes, and the mutilation of his hand, so that he can't bend a longbow any longer. Well, perhaps... - It's the law, Countess. We don't want any attempts at coercion from you. If I can no longer bend a longbow, I'll become a mere beggar for alms. In any case, I have many other uses for my hand. Perhaps I've met a sympathetic soul, who possesses a heart. Take him away. Remove his shirt. String him up! Tighter! Pull harder! Ready: one! - two! - three! four! - five! - six! - seven! eight! - nine! - ten! - eleven! Stop! Desist! Manfredo, Lando! I heard we finally have a boar. - Yes, Count, there it is. Is he the young fellow who killed it? Yes, I caught him in the act. Untie him! Renato, Tonio, release him! Did you instruct them to whip him? Your Grace, I was... - No, I instructed it. Why did you return to camp? I could hunt no more. If you wish to retire early a next time, let me know, Elena. I was very worried about you. Forgive me, Father. Bring him here to me. Is this your longbow? - Yes. And where was he using it? At the mouth of the Gorge, the boars were hiding in the bushes. And to think we rode past them several times. Where did you shoot from? - From a tree-top. He was sitting in a tree, 100 yards from the Gorge mouth. I saw him climbing down. - He was... 100 yards outside? Yes, Your Grace. Nicely done! And, from there, you pierced its thick skin through to the heart? Is this ash wood? - Larch, it's significantly lighter. And the feathers? - Wild duck. There's something for you to learn, you simpleton. You, and your inevitable falcon feathers. A splendid weapon, and one you understand thoroughly, and the results are clear. - Of necessity. I live on it. Bravo! Oh - Oh! Forgive me, I had forgotten. Come, let's drink together, my boy. Why did you have the servants whip him? Your health, and the death of the boar. He has achieved more than all the rest put together, my child. You're an exceptional huntsman. What is your name? Pietro. - Pietro. Would you like to stay here? I could use a good gamekeeper. Would you trust a man like me? Why ever not? You're an honest fellow. How do you know? I have a good feeling about you as a hunter. I have never worn a jerkin. I believe I would suffocate in one. Give it a try, anyway. Why are you trying so hard to persuade him? If he doesn't want to stay, he should be free to leave, Father. I believe the Count would later regret his offer. I'm sorry you feel like that. - Don't think badly of me. As you wish, but let me give you a few ducats... No thanks, but if you'd like to give me back the boar... But, of course. He is yours. - Then, good-bye. You may take the ham as well. - Oh, thank you. All the best to you! Good-bye. Why is he taking so long? He should be here by now. He'll be here. I'd like to see you try to carry such a heavy beast. Here's the laurel leaf you wanted. Wonderful, it makes a roast. But we mustn't forget the juniper berries. Juniper berries stink. Yeah, for you, maybe - with your great peasant's snout, but with my more refined sense of smell... And aristocrat's nose, which only permits pleasant smells enter. Yes, and that's why I always keep my distance from you, because you stink like a billy goat. - Here comes Pietro. Why did you take so long? We thought they must have captured you. We are overcome with hunger. Where is it? - What? The wild boar. - Didn't you bring it? I can understand that. It was very heavy. Then we'll all go and get it. - No, no, no, stay here. And I was so looking forward to the roast. What went wrong? Nothing, but it's better if we moved on. I can smell a juicy ham, and I am never deceived. Do as you wish, but I'm heading off. See there, he has a ham. - What did I say? That ham. Pietro, wait for us. You'll not want to eat alone. The river marks the border. The Count's control of the land ends there. There's also a ford. Poor devils over there. Yes, they have nothing to laugh about. The Baron is Satan himself, from the fires of Hell. Hey, leave some for us. Three little slices, is all I took. I say, enough! Who knows how long it will have to last us. Come, let's get on. Look over there. Who is that? He's being chased. Riders, right behind him. - The poor fellow. We'd better hide ourselves. - Yes. They may not see us. Halt! Come back here! He's made it, God be praised. How so? They are not allowed to cross the river. Maybe not, but it may still happen. Come back, you dog, in the name of the Baron. They dare not come any further. It would be the worse for them. Now what do you say? What cowardly riff-raff! Don't you interfere there. Do you not want us to show ourselves? They'll kill him. What is that to us? They'd kill us too. That poor little pig, now they'll have him for sure. He can hardly stand on his feet any more. Hey you, come here! What are you searching for here? In the name of Count di Roccalta: Drop your weapons. You must let us pass, we are pursuing that fellow. He killed one of our men. That is no concern of mine. Dismount, and lay down your arms. Calm down, friend. Don't be so hot-headed. This takes two - one to give the order, the other to obey. For the last time: Drop the arms and go back the way you came. We're not going without that man. He belongs to us. That's enough. If you won't listen, then you must suffer. Forward! Hey, come here! Hurry! Give me your hand. We are friends. Don't celebrate too soon! We'll be back. And we'll prepare a warm reception for you. Nothing happening. - Are they still there? Perhaps they are waiting, in case the others come back. I reckon they'd had enough. We'd better look for another place to cross. As it's Hell everywhere you go over there, we're missing nothing. Who was it you killed? One of the Baron's grooms. He wanted a new shoe for his horse. So, you are a farrier. I was one then. But there was one ahead of him, and I said he should wait for a moment. He became furious, and attacked me with a whip. I just saw red. I didn't mean to do it. I swear it. I can imagine, seeing all these you are carrying. Rest assured, I wouldn't have acted any differently. And there you found yourself in the soup, like a poor wild pig. My name is Rocco. I didn't mean to insult you, but seeing you running away, with others chasing you, reminded me of a wild pig hunt. Yeah, a wild pig that has saved its skin again. Is he really such a mean fellow, the Baron? Mean? He is worse than a wild animal. Why did you stay there for so long, then? I had no choice. I am the property of my master. I am a serf. A slave. - Worse. You don't understand, however I'm called, what's it's like to live or die at the whim of a master. Ah, well.... Do you know of another place we can ford the river? Depends on which direction. Where is the nearest, or should we go further on? There is one nearby that way, but it is guarded. But if we go in the direction of the mountains, we will reach the next forest, and then be able to hide. Good, we'll go that way. We'll soon be there. I don't understand why you don't want to stay here. Compared with the rule of the Baron, this is Paradise. That may be true, but the omens aren't in my favour. God be with you, Padre. I am so pleased to meet you. These are my friends. Tell me, Rocco, how did you manage to end up here? I'm accompanying my friends down from the high ford. I've just come from there. I saw a number of horsemen there. The Baron's men? - Yes. Looking for someone Dear God, that's not want I wanted to hear. Is it you they are looking for? Are you wanted for anything? Yes. He was attacked, and Rocco protected himself. Did you injure someone? He killed one of the Baron's grooms. Father, I didn't mean to do it. I swear. The groom struck out at him, and he retaliated. Someone also struck out at Jesus, but he did not strike back. Forgive me, Padre, but we don't need any sermons now. Rather, we need to find another river crossing. You want to go with them? Wouldn't it be like running into the arms of the executioner? What is to become of your wife and children? I will get them tonight. And where will you take them? Somewhere in the woods. I need to find a hiding place. Yes, Rocco; and I know such a place. I'll lead you there. You can stay there overnight - you and your people. You surely need security from your enemies. Even though I have roamed these forests for years, I have never heard talk of these caves. I do not believe anyone else knows about them. It's certain no-one will find us here. Here is as safe as the bosom of Abraham. Come, follow me. From here, one can see the whole valley. Hey, friends, look at this view. This place has possibilities. - It's a real fortress. On the other hand, you could be stormed from below. You'd only need rain rocks and stones down on them. Are we still on the Count di Roccalta's land? This is approximately the border. The land beyond the river belongs to the Baron di Serra. Civetta, the Father must be hungry. Carve off a piece for him. It was honestly acquired. Of that I have no doubt. But I must be going. Once again, Rocco, be careful, my son. Yes, Father. And now, God bless you, my children. May the Lord be with you. Heaven must have sent him to us. - An amiable fellow. He was wonderful. - He is a saint. There are some truly fine "wise old owls" in the World. Believe me, I know our obligations and rights as well as you do. But these people, whom the King entrusted to us, also have their rights and obligations. They are people - just like us. - Up to a certain point. Yes, Baron, up to a certain point. Up to death. Because afterwards they will be better treated than us, because they have had to endure more. Let's discuss my reason for coming here. I come, to demand from you, the return of one of my subjects. Of the rights entrusted to us, the greatest is the granting of asylum. One of your subjects has taken refuge upon my land and is therefore no longer under your jurisdiction. That is a viewpoint that all but justifies crime. I am not giving you a viewpoint, it is the Law. But we are the Law here. - How can you say that? Sooner or later, we will have to stand before our Maker, Baron. Let me give some advice: Treat your subjects with kindness. Then they won't be antagonistic towards you. With regard to your armed men, you can tell them this: If they again illegally cross onto my land, they will be given a thrashing they will not forget in a hurry. Is that a challenge? - It's up to you. Welcome to Roccalta, Baron. You must forgive my Father. May I apologise on our behalf for the annoying incident? It no longer seems so annoying, since it gives me the chance to see you again. Did you hear that, Father? The Baron has travelled far, but he has not forgotten the rules of courtesy. The credit for that is yours, Elena. Your charming presence always makes me more conciliatory. You are extremely kind, Baron. If you had warned me of your visit, I could've received you more suitably. I hope we will meet next time under more pleasing circumstances. Then let us drink... to good neighbours and mutual understanding. And I would like to stress, my Master has an exceptionally high opinion of you. Of me? But he does not know me at all. Well, you probably thought that. But he said to me only yesterday, what a pity that brave Captain... Manfredo. Right. Manfredo.. works in the service of the Roccaltas. He would be the right man for me. The Baron said that? - On my honour. Here he comes. At your service, Your Grace. Who is that fellow? Today he's a friend, tomorrow he may perhaps be an ally. Follow me! Here, take this knife. You might find it useful. No, thank you. I've already seen too much blood. All will go well. You'll see.. Let's hope so. Will you be staying here? Yes, as long as it's safe. Then I'll be on my way. - Keep safe. Oh well, going back for his wife and children, poor devil. Good luck. Not so loud, I'm trying to sleep. Don't be so grouchy. Teresa! Teresa! Rocco! My God, is it really you? - Yes, it's me. Holy Virgin, why have you come back? Teresa, how can you say that? I simply had to come. They searched all day long for you. You cannot stay here. They'll be back tomorrow. You must go straightaway. Alright, but with you and the children. - What are you saying? I came to take you to safety over on the Count's land. But you must hurry, we must leave quickly. I have sent to children to bed. Bundle up your things, Teresa. I'll waken them, and we'll set off. Rocco! Oh my God! Dismount! Quickly, you must hide! Make sure no-one gets away. Mama! Stay calm, Julietta. Open up! Open up! In the name of the Law! Are you all deaf, you lazy good-for-nothings? If you don't open up now, We will smash the door down! Well, so be it! Break it down! No, wait, I'm coming. Well, you seem to be a very sound sleeper. No, I was awake. Mama! I was terribly frightened. I am alone with the children. I understand. So I'll come straight to the point. Did you think we were going to leave you here on your own? It's not true, my little one. Do you know what we're going to do, my dear? We are taking you all to the Castle, to the Baron. You, Mummy and the others. There we'll wait for Daddy's return. If he doesn't return by tomorrow evening, you will pay a high price. I beg you not to do this, I'll come with you if I must, but please leave... - Such a cowardly mob. - Hush! And you are an even bigger coward. And so, finally, a woman has the courage to open her mouth. Don't do anything bad to my children. You can thank your man for this. Stop your whining; we are going. No! You're looking for me? Well, here I am. But leave the little one in peace. Come on, if you want to arrest me. Now, what's it to be? Throw that club away right now, you dirty dog, otherwise I'll cut your little darling's throat. No! - No! Mama! You filthy trash, you swine! Oh, wonderful! Finally, one who does not cower in fear. There still are such men. We must get away from here as quickly as we can. Fetch your nags, you're coming along with us. Come on, Teresa. Bring all your weapons, don't leave any behind. One moment, sir, forgive me. What do you want? Let me go with you. You're a courageous young man, but you must know, we live a rough life like the wild animals? I wouldn't mind that, here I live the life of a slave. Come then, climb up! Giddy-up, horsey, giddy-up! Little horse, I'm afraid you might throw your rider. This little horse has never - ever - done such a thing.. Here is your shirt. I have washed it. Thank you. Just a moment. It was absolutely necessary. What are those weals? Oh, they are the love scratches of a young lady. That one must have had claws. One day I will get my own back. And what of your Father, my boy? What will he say of this? He will certainly think I did the right thing. ...that the Baron has hanged three innocent men. They had the right to life, for they had done nothing wrong. If we hadn't intervened, it would be Rocco's family on the gallows. Those down there would not have lifted a finger to help. See here the arrow which cost the lives of so many of our men. You peasant fools have never seen such an arrow. Am I right? These outlaws are supported by you and your property. But your support will not last for long, because this dirty rabble are deceiving you. However, all damages suffered by the Baron must be paid for. And so, from today, your taxes shall be doubled. Blood-suckers! Shush! Silence! Silence! All the mischief these outlaws arrange will fall back onto you. But our Exalted Master is not vindictive, even when peace and order are threatened. Think on this: Whoever brings us the outlaw leader, dead or alive, our Exalted Master, the Baron, will pay a reward of 1,000 ducats. 1,000 ducats? Think about it, you dolts, 1,000 beautiful ducats. Who wants to earn it for himself? - I do! Who was it called out? Over here, your Grace. Be patient, I'm coming. You see, I'm faster on foot than I seem. How do you expect to make this money? Certainly, 1,000 ducats is not something one earns every day. But you can tell me... Where Captain Firebrand is hiding? But, certainly. What did you call him? Captain Firebrand. Hold him, and he'll burn your fingers. Silence! That's not a reason for laughter. And you know where he is encamped? Not only where he is camped, but also where his cronies are. Do you also know who support him secretly? Now, that's another matter, Your Grace. How do you mean? Tell me! I see. Give me evidence of your trustworthiness, and I will give you 500 ducats as an advance payment. It's agreed. So, you betray decent men, you filthy tramp. Aren't you ashamed, you traitor? You scoundrel! You are worse than Judas! Shut her mouth, and take her away! Take your dirty paws off me! If you don't quieten down here, I'll put you all in chains. Take no notice of what she said. She's been removed. So, now tell me. Easy, easy. First show me the gold coins. I would like to look at it at least once. Well, if you insist, here we are: 1,500 ducats, hear them jingle? Yes, but copper coins can also jingle sweetly. Let me see if they really are gold. You are an impudent fellow. There. Everyone stay where you are! Stay back, or I'll cut his throat. I learned this trick from your horsemen, when they tried it out on a child. Hey you, leave the girl alone. Take his weapons, and make sure no-one escapes. Sorry for the deception, friend. Tell the Baron that Captain Firebrand sends his regards. And thank him for the gold. If he's got any left, tell him to let me know. Take me with you, I implore you! Ah, you're the little one who said all those nice things about me. Don't leave me here alone, I beg you. Women only cause trouble. Hey little one, come with me. I like trouble. 1,500 ducats? A pretty sum.. The Baron will explode. I only regret I wasn't there to see it. You shouldn't take this news so lightly. These bandits are a threat to peace across the region. Their leader is a man who fears neither Death nor the Devil. What was it you said, what he calls himself? Captain Firebrand. I'd love to meet him. He's a dare-devil. That is not a good reason to admire him. A rebel is always a rebel. And, thereby, a possible ally for you. Di Serra is surely convinced that he is one already. Only a fool would believe I'd align myself with robbers. That is a slander we must be quick to scotch. Ah, how would we manage that? Quite simply: We allow the Baron's horsemen, naturally with the support of our men, to seek and destroy the robbers in their hiding place. That will prove to the World, that doubts of your integrity are unfounded. You really believe that? But, of course. In your place I wouldn't hesitate an instant. Not bad. But you are not in my place, Manfredo, and the integrity of my name is mine to keep. If, Your Grace, I mi... There are no signs of unrest across our land. Or do you wish to tell us that... bandits have been causing any damage? Certainly not, Your Grace. So, the bandits are not our problem, am I right? Until that changes, they do not concern us. And if I ever need your advice in future, I will ask for it. Of course, Your Grace. Of course. Why did you have to be so hard on him? However he put it, his advice was surely well-meant. I know him. What he just said, came from the mouth of another. Do you mean he's been bought? No, bribery is probably taking it too far. He is not a bad fellow, but he is a fool, and I think he has been duped. Is the Baron behind it? - I am convinced of it. Come, men. On to the next one. Get a move on. Go! Go! The swine, they are burning everything down. They'll stop at nothing. Our hut and crops have gone. It's the innocent who have to pay. Yes-yes, I know what you're thinking. Why not say it? That I am the guilty party. That it's all my fault. Why won't they rise up against the injustice of the Baron? What have they got to fear? The soldiers, perhaps? At least with them, one can fight to a finish. My son, you must help them. They have lost all they had. Here, give them this. I might as well start with nothing. I cannot, my son. It is stolen money. All of you, hurry - before the Baron comes to snatch you. Do we leave them alone, Captain? Orders of the Count. This will be a cause for disquiet, if our farmers have to feed and clothe these beggars. I warned the Count, but he didn't want to listen. And he accepted them all calmly? From the first to the last: men, women and children. Attack from a standing position! He admitted those bumpkins, when my soldiers refused them. That is insolence! Excellency, you confounded me with your talk. Forgive me, Enzo. That's enough for today. Rusca, tomorrow I will lead my men onto the Count's land. I don't wish to criticise your Grace's decision, but wouldn't it be simpler to convince our peasants... that nasty things will happen to them on Roccalta land? Painful hardships imposed on them by order of God. And, you mean, the Count would be blamed? They would soon see through that deception. In this case, not. There are some arguments that are so overwhelming, that no other arguments are ever considered. Who are these people? Refugee peasants. The Baron had their farmsteads burnt down. Your Father has expressly arranged to accept them. They have lost everything. God be with you! God will repay your Father for his compassion. These poor unfortunates will forever hold him in high esteem. Who is that noblewoman? That is Countess Elena, daughter and sole heir of our new master. That is his daughter? She is lovely. Your Father gives all the assistance he can, but it's not enough by far. The poor must seek shelter. They do not possess as much as a jerkin. They must find a roof somewhere else, for they'll perish here. I will speak immediately with my Father, and he will find them shelter. - Thank you, my Lady. Lando, take this money and distribute it among the people. Farewell, Father. - God bless you. That was a bad fall, Countess. You could've broken your neck. Oh, it was nothing. Come, sit down. Can I be of any help to you? I can manage alone, thank you. I've not seen you for a long time. Are you still roaming around here? Sometimes here, sometimes there. Something holds me here. That must be the wild game, which doesn't belong to you. Game perhaps beyond my reach. But I gave up hunting long ago. And your longbow, what is that now used for? To save my skin, whenever necessary. In your place, I wouldn't roam here alone, Countess. You could very easily suffer an unpleasant encounter. Such as this, you mean? Ah, so, are you still my enemy? Not at all, you are an irrelevance to me. Not you to me, else I wouldn't have helped you. I unfortunately have no money with me, but come to the Castle, and I will reward you for your service. Why do it that way? A beautiful girl does not need money in order to pay. You will hang for that, you filthy tramp. Isn't my daughter back yet? No, we've already looked for her everywhere. I don't understand that. There is no cause for alarm, My Lord. Lando is with her. Ah, look, here she comes: Elena, why were so long? I was worried about you. Why are you so disturbed, what has happened? Nothing, Father. I've been riding hard, as I knew I was late. But why are you so agitated? I saw the refugees down in the clearing. They are in a deplorable state. We must help them. Don't worry, we shall. They can't stay where they are, they'll have to find somewhere. If we were to take them on, we'd also have an obligation... Yes, of course. Sisto, clear the tables and load everything on the mules. But it is the evening meal for the hunters. Yes, yes. But others, who do not hunt, need it more. We will eat late, my child, back at the Castle. Go, hurry up. Does that mean we cancel the hunt? Certainly. How can we enjoy ourselves, while the poor starve? You organise everything, and meet me at the clearing. Countess, I know well... that mere words cannot alleviate the sorrow you feel, but allow me to say to you that this despicable act has pained not only you, but all of us. Particularly me... who was always a devoted friend of your Father. I hereby present myself and my sword to avenge his death. The Countess can rely upon our assistance. Quite so, Tomaso, that is the obligation of friendship. I thank you, gentlemen, but this task rests with me. Only when it has been fulfilled will I again find peace. These courageous and noble gentlemen have offered to avenge the death of my Father. You all heard it, and my answer to them. If I am not to accept their aid, then I must rely on all of you. He was your Lord; and so I ask for your assistance... as the daughter of a man who both respected and ruled you, because he was both fair minded and kind hearted. The upholding of Justice is a Holy obligation, it concerns every one of us. I know who murdered my Father. There is no doubt about it. I bring you the proof. Here is the arrow. The arrow that killed your Master. This crime must be punished, and I need your support. We will hunt him like an animal in the forest, chase him wherever he runs, because he is a wild beast, and not a human being. Did you hear, Father? Yes, Antonio, the Countess has endured much sorrow, and expressed herself in such a pitiless way. But she was right, even so. This monster must be punished. And what if he is not the guilty one at all? One should listen to the man, Antonio, before condemning him. You think too highly of human nature. Looking for someone? Yes, a good acquaintance, but I see he's already left. Perhaps it would be better if I stayed with you tonight, Countess. No, thank you. You must be tired, get some sleep. As you wish, Countess. Good night. Giuseppe, the sword. I'd like to keep it with me. It means everything to me. Excuse me that I didn't enter by the door. For me, there was no other choice, I must speak with you urgently, alone. Why? I was at the funeral service, and I heard your accusation. Why should you creep in here like a thief in the night? What do you want here? To kill me, like my Father was killed? Your accusation was unfair. That is not true. You murdered him. Just listen to me for once. Do not touch me! What are you frightened of? See, I have no weapon. You have nothing to fear, I swear it to you. Here is the sword, take it. Now, why do you hesitate? Stab me, if you want, but hear me before you do. Very well, I will listen to you, but when and how I kill you, I will decide. Probably in the torture chamber. Very likely. Berta, Berta! I'm coming, Countess. Get me the guard and Captain Manfredo. Quickly! My God, what is happening? Quickly, Berta, move yourself. And you, hear me well. One move; and this blade will be driven through your ribs. That is more easily said than done. I see it was a sorry mistake to put my trust in you. I thought you were fair-minded and noble like your Father, but you are different altogether. You want to kill me? Then go ahead. You will be surprised at what happens, when... the blade penetrates the flesh and blood runs across your hand, spurts up into your face, and... Stop it! I painted the picture for you, and it made you shudder. It's not a pretty sight, at the first sight of blood, you will go weak at the knees. Stop. I am finished. It is time to say goodbye. Hear that? I believe it's the Captain who had me whipped. I'd like to see his face, when he finds me here in your chamber. Manfredo! Seize the ruffian! See you soon, Captain! Guards! Where are you! Come along, the fellow must not escape us. I have him, quickly, help me! There he is, follow me! To arms! To arms! You both look over there, and you come with me. You search in the direction of the river. Head towards the ford. Riders, follow me. A Christian should always follow Christian principles. You won't find a manhunt like this in the Testaments. Even so, murder is murder. He must pay for it. Remember, it was the Count who first helped him. Look what he got for being so good-natured. What's happening outside? What is it? Be quiet, Nero, quiet. Hey, you! What are you doing here? Hey, who are you? Are you injured? Easy. I'll support you. Put your arm 'round my shoulder. Thank you. We'll have you seen to directly. Who is the man? Now's no time for questions, he is wounded. Get some water. The bowl. But you're in no state to get up again. I must get away. Let me go. Are you mad? In this condition you could not go two steps. You can't help me, I must get away. Why? Can you not guess? All I know is you are a wounded man, and need assistance. You didn't ask to come in, I brought you here. So, lay yourself down, and I will do everything else. You wait here outside. Antonio, open up! Well, so it's you. What are you doing out at such a late hour? We are looking for the murderer of the Count. He was at the Castle a while ago, and we wounded him, but he managed to escape. Is there anyone here besides the five of you? Not that I know of. You've not seen anyone suspicious hanging around? No, we haven't been outside. May I have a look around? Of course. Check wherever you want out here. But not inside? Oh, it's very late. You could wake up the children. That's quite enough for me. Good night, Antonio. Good night, Sergeant. And what now? - Stay calm. Tell me the truth, did you murder the Count? No. Swear it on the Cross. I swear it. Is it far to the farmstead? No, it is just beyond the next hill. Hopefully they haven't already captured him. Woe betide them, if they've harmed a hair on his head. Look! Down there. A thousand thanks, Antonio, you are a brave fellow. That's alright, good luck. Farewell! Hello, Pietro. You seemed to be leading him by the nose. How did you manage to fall into that trap? You're a crazy man. I warned you not to go there. Are you in a lot of pain? - It's improving. Who was that fellow down there? A friend. The hounds have found this, a blood-soaked rag. Do you still deny it? Did you have him hidden here? Where did you take him? Why did you leave here this morning? We also found traces of blood on your donkey. Are you going to answer me? I have ways of making you talk, you dirty traitor. Captain, the Countess. Enrico was right, Countess. He took refuge here, and Antonio helped in the escape. Antonio, is it true, what he just said about you? How could you do something like that? You, so respectable, so reliable, so faithful, the childhood companion of my Father. The man is innocent, Countess. He is not your Father's murderer. Who can prove that? No-one can be sure. I'm sure. - And so, you believed him? He swore it on the Cross. We need clear proof. That oath is not enough for me. It was enough for me, Countess, and them also. If you were convinced of his innocence, you could have told the truth last night... instead of deceiving Enrico. Why did you deny that the fugitive was with you? Because I know Enrico. He would have taken him by force. At least, he would have tried. Of course, it would have been his duty. And mine was to protect him from you. Your Father taught me that hospitality is holy duty, that there is no worse crime than to betray defenceless people who... have taken refuge under your roof. Enough of your impudence! How dare you! Offering shelter to an armed murderer! These people do not deserve any compassion. I wash my hands of all this. Do what you want with them. You heard that, she handed you over to me. This is the moment I've been longing for. I will enjoy teaching you scum the meaning of obedience. By order of the Countess Elena di Roccalta, may be it well... understood by each of you, that anyone found guilty of assisting the outlaws will be punished by whipping, and will be marked with the executioner's branding iron. Let me go! Let me go! Further, it is announced that, all who entered our land on the assurance of a right to asylum, now loses that right and has until tomorrow evening to leave Roccalta. If we could only have left our women and children here. I beseech you, Father, help us. I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can do, other than pray for you. Prayers will not save us from the wrath of the Baron. Don't you understand what this eviction means for us, Father? Have faith, the Baron will not trouble you. So, we have turned over a new leaf. Now I control the destinies of these people. I cannot believe the Countess is capable of such cruelty. I am afraid you will have to believe it. I must speak with her, today. She won't receive you; she doesn't even let me in. She has changed completely, obsessed by only one thought: to avenge her Father, whatever the cost. She is almost demented about it. Captain! Here they come! Do you know who they are? Mercenaries hired by the Countess, to hunt down the murderer. They will rase this land with fire and sword. It is the end of peace for Roccalta. The poor Count. My apologies, Father, I must inspect these new men, they will include many hardened criminals. Let's review the column. A little more gently, please. I'm not your man, you know. To that, I can only say: Thank God. I wouldn't take one like you, even on my death-bed. See there, the wound is almost healed. Yes, it's lucky it was quickly burned clean. Won't vinegar burn terribly? It does, I can tell you. But it also works wonders, you'll see. For wounds like this one, it's the best treatment. If you can't bear to look, then turn around. You're only getting in the way. Why do you always have to be so rough with her? I find her sadness annoying. Anna? Those who want, can't have. Those who can, don't want. Wipe off that stupid grin. What do you mean by that? Nothing, it's just a saying. Shut you mouth, and mind your own business. But, Anna, why are you crying? It's not worth it, shedding tears over a man. Here, I've made all the arrowheads this size. Are they all right? Yes, up to standard. Some new armed forces have just arrived, we saw them crossing the valley. Soldiers, horses and wagons. What is the Countess planning? A new Crusade? Keep it up, Rocco. Each one of you has been assigned a party of men, do you understand me? Are those the people who are supposed to defend us? These are only the leaders, the troops are camped outside. Mamma mia! Such brutal faces! What on earth will the troops look like? I hope, Countess, that you are content with our armed force. Brave warriors, hand-picked men, experienced in battle. I don't want them settled inside the Castle. Tomorrow, at daybreak, they will set out on their march. Tomorrow morning, so soon? Indeed, that is an order and I expect it to be obeyed. You know what you have to do; we must rouse the people. I understand, do not worry. You still here, Father? I beg you, I must speak with him today, or it may be too late. I regret there is nothing that can be done. The Baron does not see anyone at this hour. We must raise the drawbridge. You must go, Father. No, wait, tell the Baron that I've come from Roccalta, in order to present him with something, a large sum of money that was stolen from him. And you have it with you? Yes, but I'd like to present it to him personally. I will try. Open up. And be quick about it. One moment, who are you? Oh, apologies. I didn't recognise you. We didn't expect you at this hour. I'll open immediately. Thank you. Who, the priest? What did he want? He wanted to bring you a large sum of money, that he said was stolen from you. Perhaps it's the 1,500 ducats. Why did you let him leave? When I looked for him, he had disappeared. Do you think the priest recognised you? I believe so. Yes, Your Grace. We must search for him, and intercept him. I will arrange it. What news do you bring? I am to take the troops from the Castle at daybreak. Order from the Countess. She insisted, unfortunately. It doesn't matter. We are ready. And how strong is the crew? Apart from the servants, there are a dozen armed men, but they are with us. And where are you taking the troops? Into the mountains, about as far from the Castle as possible. A decent trek, without any risks. If the outlaws happen to notice our departure, they will immediately move to create distance between us. That's a pity. I'd like to meet Captain Firebrand again. Help! What was that? Alfredo, did you hear? Yes, someone calling for help. - Let's go and see, come on! It's the Father. He is wounded, he is bleeding. Hurry, take me to Captain Firebrand. Where will we find him? - I'll show you the way. At daybreak, the soldiers will leave the Castle. If we don't act now, we will always regret it. Yeah, he's right. We have a chance to talk to the Countess. And, just like that, you think she'll give us justice? Nevertheless, she only has to listen to us. Do not deceive yourselves, friends. She'll only betray you. Manfredo only follows her orders. Only she is to blame for things getting as bad as they are. That is not true. I know her better than that. With your spirited defence of her, perhaps you've forgotten, what she did to you... - That was not her fault. Even so, you were whipped on her command. Yes, and none too lightly. - Apparently he enjoyed it. Be reasonable, all this would only make matters worse. Things can't get any worse than they already are. Right, and she should atone for it. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, let's burn the Castle! She burnt down our homes, we'll burn down hers! Right. And we'll take back all that belongs to us! That's only right and proper! Our smouldering has caught fire. - Friends, this is pure suicide. We haven't hope against the guards at the Castle. But there aren't any guards left there. The Castle is unguarded; and the few people still there, they are on our side. Our way is clear, friends. - Tomorrow will be a big day. It is our one great chance. Would you like some? Yes. Not a word. Be still! Friends, I warn you, don't... - And I tell you... You must warn her, promise me. I will save her, I swear it. Thank you. How many men guard your camp? At night, usually ten men. Listen: We'll surprise them with a charge from the forest. The refugees will be brought here for safety. Is that fully understood? Countess, I beseech you, don't agree to receive them. They are armed, and they will do you harm. Calm yourself, Berta. Attilio! Open the doors. You demanded to speak with me. Here I am. Now, tell me, what is it you want? Countess, this Throne Room is a place my ancestors and I have... only entered when we have needed to call for justice. And it has always been granted. But, this time, you call for it in a very strange way, Antonio. Yes, it's true. But, sadly, it had to be this way, Countess. We were refused permission to speak with you, so we had to force our way in on this occasion. Refused, did you say? Who did that? Only I give orders here. Hear that, friends, she gives the orders! Her alone! Calm down! Be reasonable, friends! Just stay calm! Quieten down! And just listen to what she has to say! Look at her! But look at her well! She is scared, our noble Countess! Why don't you call your soldiers? Why don't you have us whipped? So much bluster; and not a man amongst you. Like old women who whine in self-pity, so it takes only one nudge to drive them crazy Nanu? You here? I wouldn't have expected you here. I thought you were men. Since when do you attack women? What do you cowards want? They aren't cowards, they are desperate people, who demand nothing other than justice. And they demand it with weapons? That is not polite! I thought you were honourable men. Not bandits like I. I thought you would have respect for the Law. You were always on our side. She wanted to hang you, and now you are guarding her. Me? Then I shall be a guard! I came not for her sake, but to save all of you. You are all in danger. Do you know who is on the march here? The Baron di Serra, at the head of his army. And, more. That dolt Manfredo has defected to their side. That means the Castle is left without any defence. And you are about to be slaughtered like cattle. The Baron has been waiting for you to rise up against your Lady. He hopes to kill you all, so that the Countess might be grateful. But if that is true, that means... - If that is true? You still do not believe me? I will prove it to you. Let us through, friends. - Hey, both of you! Stop them! What do you want of us? - Bring them here! Let us go! Ah, so you wanted to get away? Now, let's settle our accounts with them. Yes, it was them who provoked the whole riot. That's not true! - You damned liar, I will... Antonio, this is not the way to behave before a Countess. Must I teach you proper manners? We beg your pardon, Countess. Here, have you seen an arrow like this before? No, I've not seen its like. - So, have a really good look! No! It was with an arrow like this that you murdered the Count. No, it's not true. - Liars! Don't believe him, it's not true! - Civetta! Ah, there you are! Bring the witness here. Answer truly. Did he give you the arrow? Take him away, and give him the reward he deserves. Move, get going, you dog! No! No, help me! Let me go! I don't want to die! Just to make it clear to you: The true murderer of your Father is not that paid underling, but the person who hired him to do the act. And he is none other than the Baron di Serra. Pietro! Pietro! Here they come, over a hundred riders! Here he comes to your rescue, the fine gentleman. He will not be long in getting here. Then we will prevent him. Have the drawbridge raised and arm all available men. I hand over command to you. When the Baron gets here, he will find no-one will admit him. Thank you, Countess; but I am not the right man for that job. I don't know anything about the defence of a castle. Civetta, make sure everyone leaves the Castle! As you command! Out of this mousetrap, away with you! Forward! So, you send away all my people and leave me unprotected, to defend the honour of my house alone. I am afraid, Countess, that you have misunderstood me. If I do not remain here, then neither do you. I will never leave this Castle. Excuse me, but we don't have very much time. Make sure no-one escapes! Annihilate everyone! Your Grace, the Castle has been abandoned! There is no-one here, they have all gone! We've been betrayed! Quickly, mount up, follow me! See here! Here they come. Halt! Everyone - Halt! Take a half-hour rest! Unsaddle the horses, and let them graze. Well, what are you waiting for? The ride is over. They are setting up camp, the pigs. Hopefully they'll soon ride on. Careful, otherwise they might see us. What if Pietro turns up now? Actually he should have been back some time ago. Listen, friends. Pietro is coming with the Countess. Pietro has been busy. You were away a long time. - What's the matter? Manfredo's soldiers are here. - They are camped below us. No. Only my arm, if you please. I am a heavy lump, aren't I? Quite the opposite, you are the sweetest load of my life. You're such a flatterer. - Oh no. No exaggeration. I would like to carry you in my arms to the end of the World. There are still more coming. We cannot stand against all of those. Whose troops are they? - Baron di Serra. I know his banners. No reason for excitement. If we keep quiet, they won't notice us at all. Draw back a bit! What is the matter? - There is a cavalry troop arriving. Men, mount up! The Castle was empty; everyone had gone. Where is the Countess? - Disappeared with the rest of them. We have a traitor amongst us. - Was that aimed at me? Whom else? I warn you! No-one speaks to me in such manner. I'll speak as I see fit. Do you understand me? Captain Manfredo! I order you to arrest Baron di Serra immediately. He is the murderer of my Father! Are you the Devil? Do you want to see us all killed? You've already been responsible for enough trouble! You cannot possibly be so naive, as to be taken in by the prattle of such a forlorn creature? She is held by those bandits, and forced to say such things. Thus, they hope to spread discord amongst us. But you must decide for yourself what you believe. If you remain faithful to me, I will naturally support you in the attack. I hope that you can begin at once. Perhaps we should wait until nightfall. You are very cautious, I must say. Are you perhaps afraid of this riff-raff? Then I will just do it alone. No, it's our responsibility. I do not need your assistance. Hear me, lads! There is someone here who doubts your courage. Let's show him what a trained soldier is capable of. Who has the nerve to climb this escarpment? With me, of course. Whoever is the first to the top, will get a bonus of 20 crowns. A hundred! Forward, men, get the ladders! Everyone get ready! This way, lads! Hurry up! Advance the first troops! Come on! What are you waiting for? We have to get up there! Captain, the archers are ready! Attention, archers! Shoot! And again! Pietro. - Here, Rocco, look after him! Anna! Come on! Well, where are your people? At least their suffering has been brought to an end. Who knows what we still have ahead of us. You are tired. Come, rest yourself a little. Yes, you really should take a rest. Ah no, Berta. I feel useless enough as it is. At least let me perform this small service. That's strange. I thought I knew you. And now I see you are a better person than I thought. If only those dogs would attack. For three days now, they have made no move. They don't even emerge from their tents anymore. They eat and drink, and we can only watch. A shabby ploy! The pigs mean to starve us out. - And I'll be their first victim. That's all that now remains of my little horse. If the Countess Elena is not delivered to us in good health by tomorrow evening, ten subjects will be hanged each day, starting the day after. That is probably clear enough. - It couldn't be clearer. Sergeant! - At your service, Your Grace. You know what you have to do? - Yes, sir. Then, be quick! Hey! You up there! I have a message for you! Can you hear me? Pietro! Pietro! They've sent us a message. Can you read? - Sadly, no. Wait! Give it to me! I'll read it. What do they say? The Baron offers 5,000 talents, if you deliver me to him safely. But you can't do... - You, be quiet, understand? 5,000 talents? A tidy sum of money, is it not? For bandits like us, it's a lot. But, for such a mean act... That is my answer. We fight on, my friends. Why did you lie? Because I don't want him to give up on my account. Anna, please help me, I beg of you! Pietro! Pietro! Come here! Look down there! Pietro! Pietro! - What is it? They've gone away. Do you see? They've really gone away! We are saved! Civetta, they took off. We are free! Elena! Elena! Come quickly. They have gone. We are free. Elena? Pietro! Have you told the Countess? What's the matter? She has escaped. - That's why they broke camp. She escaped to join them. Why are you looking at me like cows in the pasture? It was all just a deceit. She didn't join with us. We didn't convince her. She went off to join them. She has betrayed us. She played us like fools. But now it's over, once and for all! Get out, all of you! Go, get out! All of you! Captain Firebrand is dead. Dead and gone. You treat me like an enemy, Countess. And yet, it is to me that you owe your freedom. Freedom? I am your prisoner. How can you talk about freedom? Then you would have preferred staying with the bandits? One bandit; for whom honour is not an empty word. I see. You were enchanted by this young magician. Perhaps I might be persuaded to leave this fellow alone. I could equally destroy him, and all of his robber band. But I am willing to temper justice with mercy. Provided that he leaves this land. Get up from there! You have no right to sit in that place! So, it was no idle boast that this was your goal, to merge the land of Roccalta with your own. Roccalta and Serra will, from now, come under my rule. I hope that, for people like us, disputes and controversy will become far less important. The main thing is to avoid a scandal. There is not a spark of decency in you! You are a criminal! Ha! Don't hold back. Murderer and tyrant. That's what you really mean. Isn't it? Yes. You had my Father killed. Deny it, if you can! That's for you to prove. - I will bring you to court. There I must disappoint you. A wife cannot sue her husband. Do you really think I would marry a man who is a murderer? I think so. Because it's only on this condition that... I will preserve the life of your Captain Firebrand. You seem somewhat fatigued? Allow me to accompany you to your chambers. No, I am accustomed to being alone. Pietro? We are ready. - You go on, I'll follow you. Let's go. Why are you still here? I want to be alone. Why? Aren't we allowed to know you are only human? I wish! These were the only ones who didn't guess. And you have betrayed all of them, the dead and the living. All of the victims - all their sacrifice, all their courage. That's enough! We believed in you. You were our hope. We thought you were a hero. And what are you in reality? An overblown, vainglorious boaster. A loudmouth! You never think of others, only yourself and your pride. You speak of betrayal! Who betrayed you? Perhaps Elena? I forbid you to speak of her. I'll speak of her, even so; and you will listen. Elena sacrificed herself for you, even though you're not worth it. Because she loves you, do you understand? Yes, loves you! That is the tragedy. Elena loves you - just exactly as I do! Who is it? - It is I, Countess. Ah you, Berta. Come in. I beg your forgiveness, but the new brocade dress is finished. Put it over there. I would recommend you put it on directly. There is still time. I will let you know. Come, Martha, we still have the veil to pack. Anna! I did not expect you. I have told Pietro everything. Perhaps it was wrong of me. He loves you alone. He asked me to get you, Countess. Come, he is waiting outside. - Anna, you did this for me? Quickly, we must hurry. Follow me! Pietro! Pietro! Stop, don't move! - Come, bring him along! Pietro! Anna. Anna. Anna. Now, my dear, the people are jubilant and you are sad. I gave my word of honour. You promised to free him. I will keep my promise. Captain Firebrand will be freed, but he won't be of very much use to you. By order of Baron Oddo di Serra and Roccalta, the outlaw known as Captain Firebrand is appropriately sentenced to blinding by firebrand Oh no! Alarm! Everyone! Yes! Go, save her! What do you want done with him? You must decide. Don't come any closer, if her life means anything to you. You are a coward. I will kill you and free your people from tyranny. With a sword, as it is your favourite weapon. Andrea, give me your sword. I always keep my word. - I keep mine also. Come, watch your hero well. It is his last performance! I was told you were a good acrobat. Let's see you jump, buffoon! I would dearly like you to show us the colour of your blood. Do us the favour! Leave it, wait a while. I've amused myself long enough. I cannot kill you while you are unarmed. Now I can kill you. English subtitles: David Blake (2013) [SIGHS] Well. [SOFTLY] Hey, Enid. Are you awake? Enid? Enid! Enid? Operator. Operator, this is an emergency. How is she, doctor? Your roommate is a very lucky girl, Miss Bowers. - Who's the man? - Man? Isn't that why Miss Griffin tried to commit suicide? Oh, no, it was an accident. No, honest, doctor. Enid's been-- Well, she's been having trouble sleeping lately and I guess maybe she got desperate and took too many pills. Oh, they won't have to put this in the papers, will they? Well, I'll have to file a report, but I don't think the papers will pick it up. Thanks, doctor. Oh, can she go to work tomorrow? I don't see why not. If you run into any difficulty, give me a ring. Thanks, doctor. - Good night. - Good night. How could he do it, Sheila? Just because our boss got married that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It is for me. Enid, Mr. Charles Stewart Brent is your employer, not your boyfriend. You work for the man, you don't own him. He was so kind. And so considerate. And after his first wife died we got to be so close. You saw that yourself. Enid, get down from the clouds and face facts. Kindness and consideration aren't exactly symptoms of passion, you know. And you better remember that before he gets back to the office next week. He was trapped, I know it. And I'm not... Not gonna give up. I'm- - I'm going to go on fighting. Enid, honey, will you listen to me? I must have been crazy to try what I did. It would just make things easier for her. I won't do that again. Going to be a long day, darling. Good morning, Mr. Brent, and congratulations. - She sure is pretty. - Thanks, George. - Perry. - Good to see you, Brent. And congratulations. Thanks. I'm anxious to have you meet Anne. We're having a party Tuesday night. We'd love to have you and Miss Street. - Count on us. - I won't hold you up. - I know you're busy. - I'll see you. Good morning, Sheila. Good morning, Mr. Brent, and congratulations. Thank you. - Will you tell Enid I'm in? - Yes, sir. Oh, may I help you? I'd like to see Mr. Brent. May I have your name, please? Arthur Binney. Will you please have a seat? Mr. Brent's secretary is out at the moment, but she'll be back in a minute. Morning, Enid. Good morning. Meet my new boss. Beautiful, isn't she? By the way, did you get my wire about making arrangements for the reception? Yes, it's all taken care of. Oh, and there's a Mr. Arthur Binney waiting to see you. Binney? Can't you handle him? He said it was a personal matter. Something to do with Mrs. Brent. All right, send him in. Mr. Brent? That's right. Can't tell you how happy this makes me. I've heard a lot about you. Well, I don't wanna be rude, Mr. Binney, but I am a busy man. Sure you are. I'll come right to the point. My partner and I are planning a little business venture, and we thought you might like to buy some space. Just how does this concern my wife? My partner and I were planning a series of articles on the wives of prominent people. We thought that Mrs. Brent would make an interesting story, particularly with, uh, mug shots and fingerprints. What do you mean? We thought it'd make a nice three-page spread. Blackmail. I wish you wouldn't talk that way, Mr. Brent. I'm just trying to sell a little advertising space. BRENT [OVER INTERCOM]: A three-page spread? How much? BINNEY: Ten thousand dollars a page. Oh, it's not expensive considering our circulation. Just what has my wife supposed to have done? Well, she had this jewellery that was insured. She made the mistake of pawning it and then reporting it stolen. Police take a very dim view of those kind of tactics. I'm gonna want some time to look into this. Sure. Take all the time you want. Don't want you to think we're rushing you. You can, uh, keep those mug shots if you like. We have others. Just a minute. How do I get in touch with you? You don't. I'll get in touch with you. In exactly a week. [DOOR CLOSES] [INTERCOM BUZZES] Yes, Mr. Brent? Enid, get me the Paul Drake Detective Agency. If he's not in, his telephone answering service can locate him. Yes, Mr. Brent. Could that be a forgery? Could be. There's an easy way to find out. Ask Mrs. Brent. Now, look, Mr. Drake, I'm in love with my wife. I'm not looking for a divorce. How much do you know of your wife's background? Well, actually not much. We only met two weeks ago in Las Vegas. Heh. It was like getting caught up in a cyclone. Well, I'll check it out. It'd help if I had samples of her fingerprints to compare with this police file. I'm having a wedding reception in my penthouse tomorrow night. - Maybe you could arrange to be there. - I'll be there. I know I don't have to remind you to keep this thing quiet. Don't worry. Mr. Brent, may I give you some advice? Like what? Blackmail, like cancer, needs radical treatment. If I were you, I'd see a lawyer. I'll keep it in mind. - Goodbye. - Thank you. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [PIANO PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC] Darling, I'd like to have you meet Perry Mason. - How do you do? - How do you do, Mr. Mason? I've always wanted to meet my husband's most famous tenant. Infamous might be a better word. Have you met my secretary? Yes. I envy you, Miss Street. You must have a most fascinating job. Oh, it is. Just don't ask me about the hours. - Mm. Will you excuse me a moment? - Certainly. Donald, I think you're putting too much vermouth in these martinis. The other Mrs. Brent preferred serving her martinis a little on the sweet side. How delightfully old-fashioned. Will you please make up a fresh batch? I do hope you're not annoyed with me. No, I'm not annoyed, Mrs. Brent. Besides, what difference does it make? - I'm just your husband's secretary. - That's no way to talk, Enid. Why, Stewart does nothing but rave about you. You won't blame me if I'm a little bit jealous. Why don't we sit down and have a little chat? Well, what about your other guests? Oh, pooh on my other guests. I'd much sooner get to know you. - Bored? - No, just hungry. What do you think of our hostess? Attractive. And she has a mind of her own. Instinct? Observation. She just had a mild skirmish with Brent's girl Friday. I didn't know Paul was a social butterfly. Mrs. Brent, you're missing an earring. I know. I left it in the music room. How very observant of you. Heh. Mr. Brent says that I never miss a thing. Maybe he's minding the silver. - Do I need glasses? - Maybe we both do. By the way, Perry, are you interested in music? Why? I'd like to show you the wedding present I gave. Sounds interesting. - Mind if Della joins us? - This way. - Nice? - Beautiful. [PLAYING ORGAN] Like the tone? Very nice. But you didn't bring me in here just so you could play. That's right. Look, Perry. A very close friend of mine is having trouble with one of those scandal magazines. Apparently, they've uncovered some dirt. Probably false, but they threaten to publish it. They promise to hold the press and sell him the story if he buys space? My friend asked me for advice, I promised I'd mention it to you. I advise your friend to go to the police. What about the scandal? Unfortunately, your friend should realise that scandal, like murder, will out. - I can see that but-- - I'm terribly sorry. Am I intruding? BRENT: Not at all, darling. I think I left one of my earrings in here. Was that it? Thank you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Monopolising Mr. Mason and Miss Street. I do want you to meet all our other guests. I'd be delighted. BRENT: That you, Drake? - Yeah. I'm in here. - Well? - I'm afraid it's no good, Mr. Brent. Mrs. Brent's fingerprints on that matchbox check out with the police bulletin. As you can see by these photos, I've listed 15 points of similarity. In court you only need 12. Anything further on her record? Came in this morning. She was convicted in Tacoma six years ago. Under the name of Ann King. She served a year in prison. Thanks, Mr. Drake. Just send me a bill. Sorry, Mr. Brent. [PHONE RINGS] Brent speaking. At least you'll admit I'm a man of my word. I promised to give you a week. My partner wants to know if you've decided to buy that space. I have the money in cash. Good. Now, why don't you just drive out Ventura Boulevard to Angelus. There's a motel on the corner called the Valley Motel. You go in and register and I'll see you around 9. How will you know which unit I'm in? That's simple. You register under the name of Thomas Walsh. Better get a move on, sweetie. He'll be here in half an hour. Why can't I stay in here? I told you a dozen times, sweetie, we can't take the chance. Now, be a good girl and get a move on. I'll call you as soon as I get the cash. WOMAN: Night. Night, baby. Let's see. His was-- Last time out came in 8th. When he runs in the mud... Oh, that's no good. [PHONE BUZZES] Valley Motel. Who? Mr. Reed? Yeah, he's in Unit 4. Wait a minute, I'll connect you. Oh, good evening. - I'd like a room. - We can fix you up all right. You don't mind sharing a bathroom? - Not if it's necessary. - Well. Mr. Walsh. - Well, we got your reservation, yeah. - Good. How long did it take to drive from San Francisco? - About eight hours. - Eight hours. That's quite a trip. Now, here's a nice room here, Unit 8. This is a room that's spotless. I just finished painting it myself this afternoon. And you wanna know something? There's no smell from this paint. The new paint they're turning out now is marvellous. And I always say give your customer a good clean place to live in. They'll come back again and again. That's very interesting. Could I have the key? - Be glad to show you over. - That won't be necessary. - How much is it? - Five dollars. Checkout time is 11 a.m. Oh, say, Mr. Walsh? Do you believe in hunches? There's a horse running here in Santa Anita called Walsh's Pride. I'm gonna put 2 bucks on his nose. [LAUGHS] No sense of humour. [BODY THUDS] [CLATTERING] [PHONE RINGING] MITCHELL: Mr. Binney? Mr. Binney? Mr. Binney? This yours? What about the briefcase? That's mine too. Then how do you explain the initials C.S.B.? My name is Charles Stewart Brent. And yet you registered under the name of Thomas Walsh. How well did you know Arthur Binney? Well enough to kill him. You realise what you're saying, Mr. Brent? Exactly. If you'd care to, I'll dictate a statement. Well, I... I'd like that very much. Suppose you'll make it at headquarters. [PHONE RINGS] Lieutenant Tragg? There's a phone call for you. A Mr. Hamilton Burger. I'll be right back. Would you let me have a cigarette? DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: 2518 Code, 7 Station. Thanks. And 344, that's an eighth of a mile east of the Mission Valley overpass. All right, let's go. [ENGINE STARTS] I don't believe it. I don't believe one word. All I can tell you, Mrs. Brent, is that I spoke with your husband not more than an hour ago. And he says he killed this man? No. What possible motive could Stewart have? Your husband claims Binney had proof he was involved in a hit-run accident eight months ago. - Binney was blackmailing him? - That's right. Oh, no. No, it's not true. Why, even if it were, why should Stewart kill him? He could have bought him off. That was Binney's idea. But Stewart says he wouldn't stand for it. And the police didn't find a penny in that motel room. No. You can never get me to believe that. Whatever possessed Stewart to make up such a story? Isn't that obvious? He must be shielding someone. Have you any idea who this someone could be? No. Did you know Arthur Binney? - Of course not. - Are you sure? I resent that. Your husband's in serious trouble, Mrs. Brent. He could very easily wind up in the gas chamber. He admits Binney was blackmailing him. But I'm sure Stewart's never done anything wrong in his life. Can you say as much for yourself? You know, I've got a feeling that Binney was playing both sides of the street. Just what does that mean? I think he was blackmailing both you and your husband. - Well, I can't speak for my husband. - But he was blackmailing you? Yes. He knew I served a year for defrauding an insurance company. Were you guilty? I could say no, but it wouldn't be true. I needed money desperately at the time. Oh, I know that's no excuse. But I'd like to think I paid for what I did. How did Binney find out about you? I have no idea. He threatened to go to Stewart. I couldn't afford it. So I paid him. In cash? No, I gave him a pair of diamond earrings. They were worth $2,500. And you didn't go out to the Valley Motel last night? You have my word, Mr. Mason. For what it's worth. Mrs. Brent, I just got the news. I went down to police headquarters, they wouldn't let me see him. Mr. Mason, you've just got to do something. Mr. Mason will do everything he can. That's a promise, Mrs. Brent. I'll see there's no trouble the next time you wanna see Mr. Brent. BRENT: That dirty swine. He deserved killing. No one deserves killing, Brent. Let's stop that right now. But he was blackmailing my wife too. That shouldn't be a complete shock to you. - You must've thought she killed him. - No. Then what else could've made you confess? What did you find in Binney's room that seemed to indict your wife? That night I went to the motel room, Binney hit me from behind. - How did you know it was Binney? - I just assumed it was, that's all. Anyway, when I regained consciousness, I went in the bathroom to wash up. And that's when I saw my gun. - It was wrapped in a little hand towel. - Go on. Well, then I walked into the adjoining room and saw Binney. Dead. Near the body was one of my wife's diamond earrings. You remember. The kind she misplaced at the party. What did you do with the earring? I wrapped it in the towel and hid it in Lieutenant Tragg's police car when they were taking me to headquarters. Where did you hide it? In back of the rear seat. Can you prove you drew the payoff money out of the bank? Well, Enid Griffin, my secretary, can. She made the withdrawal for me. I just hope you've been telling me the truth, Mr. Brent. We've got an awfully tough row to hoe. It's the darndest thing, Perry, but all I can find out about this guy Binney is that he came down here from Tacoma about three weeks ago. What about his background? Seems to have made a career out of these scandal magazines, but he's never published a single copy. Obviously, he was always bought off. What about partners? According to my information, he always worked solo. Yet he definitely told Brent he had a partner. I know, but I can't help it. Sorry to bother you, Perry, but Enid Griffin's here. - Well, I'll be moving along. - Keep digging, Paul. All right, Della. Better have her come in. Right. Will you come in, Miss Griffin? Thank you. MASON: Won't you sit down? [DOOR CLOSES] Doesn't look good, does it? Well, it doesn't look that bad. You're just trying to make me feel better. - Mr. Brent did not kill Binney. - Well, I don't think he did either. You've got a 50 percent chance of being right. Did you withdraw $30,000 from Mr. Brent's personal account on May 17? Yes, I did and I brought the bankbook to prove it. Now, what are you going to do about the towel? What towel? The one that Mr. Brent hid in the police car. Who told you about that? He did. I went back to the jail after I saw you and they let me in. You've got to get it before the police do. That's impossible, Miss Griffin. First of all, if such a towel exists, it must be evidence and should be turned over to the authorities. Secondly-- Look, I don't want to hear any of your legal mumbo jumbo. All I know is Mr. Brent can go to the gas chamber. Don't give me your legal technicalities. Those technicalities are designed for the protection of us all. Look, are you going to get that stuff out of Lieutenant Tragg's car or not? [DOOR SLAMS] DISPATCHER: Unit 344, on Mission Valley Road. One-eighth mile east of-- Happy birthday, lieutenant. - What'd you say? - Happy birthday. - Well, ain't it? - Where'd you get that idea? - That girl. - What girl? The blond. She was here an hour ago and she said she was your niece. - Go on. - Well, it'll kind of spoil the surprise. I'll take my chances. What did she want? She had a gift for you and she wanted to put it in your car. - Did you let her? - No, sir. I told her it was against regulations. She seemed upset. Well, I should wonder. Let's see if my hunch is right. Washington, state your name. Unit 7, come in. Correction: Unit 3, come in. Thirty-three, disregard-- Let's try the back. Mission Valley and-- Here, give me a hand. On the east side of 395 by Cherry Road and Tennessee at 11:48. And that's the spot where the cops found the body. Oh, the police took a bullet out over there. How long had Mr. Binney lived here? MITCHELL: Well, let's see. He checked in- - I think it was the 8th. Said he was from Tacoma and was supposed to be a lingerie salesman. - Did he ever have any visitors? - Only that blond. Oh? What blond was that? Well, the same one I saw him drive in with a couple of times. Would you recognise her if you saw her again? I might, but to tell you the truth, I didn't pay too much attention to her. Was she here on the night of the murder? Well, I honestly couldn't say. You were the one who discovered my client near the body. That's right. What brought you down here? Did you hear the shot? No. I tell you, I wondered why Mr. Binney hadn't answered the phone. I hadn't seen him go out. Do you know who called him? Some dame. Uh... Pardon me. It was the same one that called him practically every day. - But she never left her name? - No, sir. Well, thank you, uh, very much, Mr. Mitchell. Well, thank you. Thank you. Ha. Yes, sir. Where you going? Over to see Mrs. Brent. - I'm worried about her. - Heh. - What's so funny? - Oh, nothing. Nothing. Oh, now look, Sheila-- [DOORBELL BUZZES] - Oh, Mr. Mason. - Good evening, Enid. May I come in? Of course, come on in. I don't know if you know my roommate, Sheila Bowers. I believe we met once in Mr. Brent's office. - How are you, Sheila? - I'm fine. You'll have to pardon my appearance. I should apologise for disturbing you. Well, it's perfectly all right. Won't you sit down? Thank you. Ahem. Well, uh, if you'll excuse me, I'll change my clothes. Excuse me. I know I should apologise for the way I behaved in the office the other day. It was perfectly understandable. You were under a strain. - How's Mr. Brent? - All right. You don't think anything really will happen to him, do you? Well, it will. Unless we can find someone who had a better motive to kill Binney. What do you think of Mrs. Brent? - What do I think of her? - As a person, I mean. Well, I think Mr. Brent was very lucky to have found someone like her. I think she's a wonderful, charming woman. Do you think she might've killed Binney? Absolutely not. And you don't feel she married Mr. Brent for his money? No. But you do know her past is a trifle shady. No. Didn't you overhear Binney and Mr. Brent talking on the intercom? That's what Mr. Brent told me. Well, I figured there was nothing to it. All you have to do is look at Mrs. Brent to see what a nice person she is. Thank you very much, Enid. You've been very helpful. Heh. I don't see how. Say goodbye to Sheila for me. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] There's a phone call for you. - Who? - She wouldn't say, but she claims she has some information on the Brent case. Line 2. - Hello? WOMAN: Mr. Mason? Yes, who is this? I don't think names really matter, do they? Well, what can I do for you? Nothing. I just thought maybe I could do something for you. You go to trial tomorrow, don't you? Yes. Well, before you do, you ought to check the police files on Mr. Brent's private secretary. Did you know she tried to commit suicide because of him? No, I didn't. When was this? The day after he got married. You, uh, might find there's a connection. We will show you ladies and gentlemen of the jury a statement, which the defendant voluntarily made and signed, in which he confesses to the murder of Arthur Binney. Then we will prove to you that the defendant, Charles Stewart Brent, is indeed guilty of this crime of murder and in the first degree. Mr. Mason? The defence reserves its opening statement until the prosecution rests, Your Honour. Very well, gentlemen. You may proceed, Mr. Burger. I call Miss Enid Griffin to the stand, please. MAN: Miss Enid Griffin, please. Yes, this is Mr. Brent's briefcase. If it please the court, I should like this marked for exhibit. Miss Griffin, were you in your office on May 15 when Arthur Binney first visited Mr. Brent? - Yes. - Would you describe their discussion. I object, Your Honour. This is calling for the rankest form of hearsay. If it please the court, this is not hearsay at all. Miss Griffin knows about that conversation from her personal knowledge as I shall shortly prove. You may proceed, Mr. Burger. Miss Griffin, do you have an interoffice communication system between your office and that of your employer, Mr. Brent? - Yes. - And on the occasion of Arthur Binney's first visit to Mr. Brent, was the key to the intercom turned up so that you could overhear the conversation? I don't remember. Well, let me refresh your memory. Did you visit my office on Tuesday? - Yes. - Did I show you that time a statement dictated by your employer Mr. Brent in which he said the key was turned up? - Yes. - And did you admit to me that it was true and that you did overhear that conversation? Yes. Well, all right. I ask you again. What did Mr. Binney say? He said that he wanted $30,000 from Mr. Brent. He said if he didn't get it, he would expose Mrs. Brent. Expose Mrs. Brent? How? In a magazine. He knew she had served a prison sentence. Thank you. Your witness. Miss Griffin, on May 17th, did you make a withdrawal of $30,000 from Mr. Brent's personal account at State National Savings and Loan? I did. At the time Mr. Brent got this money, was it your understanding he intended to pay the blackmailer or kill him? I object, Your Honour. It calls for a conclusion not based on the facts. Objection sustained. You will refrain from this type of questioning, counsellor. I'm sorry, Your Honour. I have no further questions. - The witness may-- - If it please the court, I have one question for this witness on redirect. Miss Griffin, we've heard you testify that you withdrew $30,000 for Mr. Brent from his bank account on the day of the murder. But to your own personal knowledge, do you know whether he took that money with him to the Valley Motel? I don't know what you mean. Well, as far as you know, he may have hidden it someplace. Well, then why would he take it out of the bank? In order to give himself an alibi. I have no further question for this witness, Your Honour. You may step down, Miss Griffin. I call Lieutenant Arthur Tragg. Lieutenant, does this appear to you to be an accurate diagram of the two motel units in question? - Yes, sir. - This is Unit 8. And this is Unit 9 where the dead body was found? - That's right. - Now, lieutenant, did you conduct any investigation with regard to the course taken by the fatal bullet? Yes, I did. With the help of Dr. Cortley of the crime lab. What was the nature of the investigation? Well, first we determined by various tests that the killer was approximately ten feet away from the victim. Then we determined the direction by a shot track. I see. Would you step over to the chart please, lieutenant? Would you explain to the court what you mean when you say "shot track"? You stretch a string along the calculated path of the bullet. We knew the angle at which the bullet entered the wall after passing through the victim's body. And would you point out to the jury, please, on this diagram, where you believe the killer stood when the fatal shot was fired? TRAGG: Right there. BURGER: You think he shot through the connecting door from Unit 8. TRAGG: Yes, sir. BURGER: Unit 8 is the one that was rented by the defendant under the fictitious name of Thomas Walsh? TRAGG: That's right. Oh, would you resume the stand, please, lieutenant? Now, I ask if you recognise this towel. - Yes, I do. - And this earring? - Yes, that was wrapped in the towel. - Easy does it. I see. I would like these marked for exhibit. Please hand these to the clerk. How'd they find it? Now, lieutenant, would you describe for us how you discovered this property? Yes, it was hidden under the back seat of my car. Did you try to trace its ownership? - Well, now may I use my notebook? - Please do. The, uh-- It was purchased by the defendant, Stewart Brent, from Dorf and Cole. And did Stewart Brent, the defendant, ever ride in the back seat of your car? Yes, sir. We drove him to headquarters on the night of the murder. Thank you, lieutenant. Your witness. Uh, may I? Thank you. Now, lieutenant, I believe earrings customarily come in pairs. - Is that correct? - Yes, sir. - Did you find the mate to this one? - No. No, sir. I assume you searched the motel room thoroughly. - We certainly did. - And did you thoroughly search the defendant too? Well, a- - Preliminary, say. And you didn't find the towel or the earring? Well, I found them in my car. - How long after the crime? - Oh, about 48 hours. And during those intervening 48 hours, isn't it possible that someone else might have planted that evidence in your car? Yes, sir. It's possible. Not probable. Now, lieutenant, let's turn our attention to the gun. - Isn't this rather a noisy weapon? - It does make a noise. Yet, strangely enough, no one in the motel heard the report. Well, a silencer of some kind might've, uh, been used on it. Did you find any such silencer in either motel room? No. No, sir. Thank you, lieutenant. That's all. You may step down, lieutenant. I call Dr. Otto Cortley. MAN: Dr. Otto Cortley. BURGER: Dr. Cortley, would you please tell the jury what textbooks you've been responsible for editing? Burke's Criminal Investigation 23rd Edition, Spiro's Forensic Medicine, Danby's Detection of Murder. I'm also a consultant of the police crime lab. If the court please, we are all aware of Dr. Cortley's reputation and stipulate his admission as expert witness subject to cross-examination. Dr. Cortley, I show you now this towel. And ask if you recognise it. I do. It was brought to me, uh, May 20th by Lieutenant Tragg for a detailed analysis. Would you tell the jury, please, the result of that detailed analysis? The laundry mark in the upper right-hand corner will indicate that the towel is the property of the Valley Motel. Now, the towel's been used for normal cleansing purposes as you can tell from the traces of lipstick. If the court please, this is wholly irrelevant and immaterial. Mr. Burger? My next question will establish the relevancy, Your Honour. JUDGE: Proceed. What else did you find, doctor? There is a bullet hole in the towel which, along with the presence of nitrite and smokeless powder, indicates that the towel has also been used as a silencer. Thank you, doctor. Cross-examine. Now, Dr. Cortley, you said you found traces of nitrite and smokeless powder on this towel? - I did. - And you also found traces of lipstick? - Yes, sir. - Can you tell us what kind of lipstick? I can. It is a shade called Hibiscus Red. It is made by Duval Freres. Did you find anything else on this towel? Well, there were some minute hair particles that adhered to the surface. Did you make a classification to determine whether they were human hairs? Yes, sir. They were human hairs. Did you subject these hairs to a microscopic analysis? - I did. - What did they tell you about the person who used this? Well, from the structure and size of the hair, I should say that the woman that used this towel was in her early 30s. She is a habitual user of peroxide ammonia. And the hair endings indicate that she was originally a light brunette. Let me ask you this, doctor. Did you personally view the scene of the crime? I did. And you watched as Lieutenant Tragg made a shot track to determine from where the shot came? Yes, sir. It was remarkably well done. I'm sure it was. But in all these things, isn't there a chance of error? - Yes. - Could it be off, say, four or five feet? It could. May I have that diagram of the motel, please? Thank you, doctor. [MAN COUGHS] Thank you. Now, doctor, let us take a hypothetical case. Suppose there was a blond hiding in the bathroom of a motel room very much like this one. And that a body were found right over here. Is it possible that this hypothetical blond could've fired the shot from the bathroom like so? So that the bullet would still wind up in here as revealed by a shot track? It is possible, Mr. Mason. MASON: That's all I ask. Thank you, Dr. Cortley. Mr. Burger? Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honour. No redirect. You may step down, doctor. Since it is almost 5:00, if counsel has no objection, I would like to suggest that we adjourn. - I have no objection, Your Honour. - Nor have I, Your Honour. Very well. This court stands adjourned till 10:00 tomorrow morning. What the devil is keeping Paul? - He should've been here an hour ago. PAUL: Speak of the devil. Well, what did you find out? Your informant was right. Enid Griffin did try to commit suicide the day after Brent was married. Nothing about it in the papers. - Did you get the pictures? - Mm-hm. Very blond and very pretty. That is Mrs. Brent Enid Griffin, Sheila Bowers. Have copies made of these and send them to your man in Seattle. See if any of these women served time eight years ago. We, uh, know that Anne Brent did. I know, but don't tell your man that. Let him find out for himself. Take this set over to Mitchell at the Valley Motel. He'll probably testify tomorrow. I'd like him to look these girls over carefully. Well, he's already seen them in court. Yes, but he wasn't concentrating on them. When dealing with someone impressionable, it's surprising how much more they can remember by looking at a photograph. Such as? Well, just ask him if any of these three blonds visited Binney at the motel. As a matter of fact, don't let him commit himself right off. Let him sleep on it. I'll be perfectly satisfied if he's made up his mind - by the time he takes the stand. - Right. Mr. Mitchell, you're the night manager of the Valley Motel on Ventura? That's right. Would you tell us please what happened on the evening of May 17th? Well, around 9:30-- Is that the part you want or you want me to tell you about what happened all day? No, no, that's right. Just start at 9:30. Well, like I was saying, about 9:30, some lady called Mr. Binney. I rang his room, but there was no answer. I thought it seemed kind of funny because I didn't see him go out. So I went around to his room to check. And when you looked in Unit 9 what did you see? I saw him standing over near the body. By "him," you mean Stewart Brent, the defendant. Yes, sir. Now, Mr. Mitchell, the defence has made much of a hypothetical blond. Did you see any such woman in Unit 9? - No, sir. - Was she in Unit 8? Well, if she was, I certainly didn't see her. And would you have seen her if she'd been in the adjoining bathroom? I sure would. That's all, Mr. Mitchell. Cross-examine. Now, Mr. Mitchell, when you first saw the defendant in Unit 9, was he holding the gun? - Yes, sir. - And what did you do? I ran to call the cops. Uh, excuse me, I mean the police. But you said the defendant had a gun in his hand. - Did he try to stop you? - No, sir. Now, getting back to the deceased, Mr. Binney. How long had he been a guest at the Valley Motel? Close on to three weeks. - Did Mr. Binney have any visitors? - Only one. You mean this person only appeared once? It was just that same dame, um-- Ahem. Same blond. She was the only one that used to come to see him. How often did she visit the deceased? Two or three times a week. I could see her from my office when she drove up in the car. Now, Mr. Mitchell, does the name Shirley Carrol mean anything to you? Shirley Carrol. No. Then, let me ask you this. Is Mr. Binney's blond visitor present in this court? She sure is. She's sitting right over there. That's a lie. I didn't kill Binney. Well, why should I? We were partners. He was alive when I left the motel that night. I didn't do it! I swear it! I swear I didn't do it! I swear! MITCHELL: Oh, here's the year. I got one on the third, I won the cup again. - Good evening. - I'd like a room, please. Yes, ma'am. Oh, you're, uh... You're Mrs. Brent. I'd still like a room. Preferably Unit 9. Look, lady, I don't know what your game is. It's Button, Button, Who's Got the Button? - And I don't need any partners to play. - Don't know what you're talking about. Arthur Binney was my partner. Are you crazy? That blond was his partner, Sheila Bowers. She was just my contact with Binney. Who do you think planned this whole thing? I served time with her. You were gonna clip your own husband? Well, I figured 30,000 wasn't bad for a marriage that couldn't last very long. Incidentally, what happened to that money? - How should I know? - Who should know better? How come you missed that diamond earring? I gave Binney the pair of them to make the plot look good. You tell me. You seem to know it all. Well, I imagine you were so nervous when you took them out of Binney's pocket you dropped one of them and were afraid to take the time to look for it? You're a liar. Oh, don't misunderstand me. I feel that you are entitled to some part of that money. Binney told me what a great help you were. - Shall we say a thousand dollars? - Shall we say nuts? I wouldn't do that. It would be more trouble to you, Mitchell. I think we've had enough excitement for one night. Excuse me. All right, Mason, so you were right. But, uh, what was the tip-off? Well, if my client was telling the truth, it meant that someone else entered Unit 8 while Brent was unconscious. Now, who was in the best position to manage that? Mitchell. - He had a passkey. - Mm-hm. While Binney was putting the money in his grip, Mitchell entered, took the gun off Brent's bed, shot Binney from the bathroom, using the towel as a silencer. Darling, you were wonderful. Tell me again. TRAGG: All right, Mr., uh... - Come on, Tragg. I think Mr. Brent's got the situation well in hand. Yeah. Now, let's wait in the car. [MASON LAUGHS] La Violetera Carnations, camellias, violets! Flowers, sir? - No, thank you. The program is good, sir. Cheer up, take one. Violets, sir. - I would love violets! Thank you, sir. Violets? They are the flowers of joy! They only cost one real. Thank you, sir. Soledad! Five fresh ones. - Violets, sir. Don't say "no"! Ladies like these deserve flowers like these! She sells, and we, nothing! What does she have that I don't? Violets and she's only 20. What are you doing here, Lola? - Shopping. Where are you spending Christmas? - Nowhere. - Come to my place. I'm not sure if I'll make it. Look how much I have left! Happy holidays, then! - Thank you and Happy New Year! Violets! Violets! Violets? For your girl, handsome. - Thank you. You're welcome. - Hey, you! We decided you should leave. Who are "we"? - All of us. Let me tell you, I'm not going. You're not? - No! - You're not? - No! What temperament! Congratulations, Fernando. You're ending the year in color! Thank you for the flowers. Where are they? - On the balcony. You'll love them. I just hope they're not too smart. Smart women are boring. There's no such danger. - Pretty? - Beautiful. That's the only form of women intelligence I acknowledge. Great! We'll have a good time tonight... Look over there! Your fiancée is coming. Now we're done with. Fernando, I'm glad to see you. - Me too. Weren't you supposed to go to the opera? - I changed my mind. And that was when Carlos told me that you are sick. He had a fever. - Had and have. - But, he's better now. We'll see Magdalena soon. We are here to wish you that all your dreams come true. You're coming in with us? Impossible! He must go back to bed. - I'll have to obey. How did you know I'll be here? A hunch. Oh, a hunch? Farewell then. It was a lovely idea! - Miscalculation. We'll sort it out. Beauty! - You're talking to me? - Yes. Take this and go inside. Tell the girls on the balcony their friends are waiting outside. Excuse me. I'm a flower girl, not a messenger. That's not the same! I'm happy that you're here. I think I'm gonna need you. Where's the cane? - Back there. - Always the same? No, but their intentions are same. Hurry, it's my turn. Spring excites the nature, but also men's blood... And you can see, everyone knows, springtime is here! Always in May everything starts to change, everything changes... Springtime, springtime. I can see you like the music. - I love it so much. Good thing that someone respects our music after all. Why did we change the schedule? We were notified they'll throw grenades on pretty girls in "Apollo", and you're pretty! We brought you here, to protect you. Which one will you protect personally? Let her go, you fool! Shame on you! Let it go! - Leave her alone. - And what if I don't? Mister has a point! - No, young man has a point! Oh God! Music! Music! Hey, watch out! - Thanks. - You're welcome. Gentlemen! It's time! It's time, gentlemen! New Year is about to come! Couple of more seconds! It's twelve o'clock! New Year! Should we split it? - That's great. - One for you, one for me. Happy New Year! Joy to the world! Long live 20th century! Happy New Year, miss. - Soledad. Happy New Year, sir. - Fernando. Soledad! I wish that all your dreams come true. The Father and Mother must fuck to death over my body. Then Lucifer will die, and we'll see... We'll see who's weariest, him... or me. Earth and sex are in us. Outside there are only stars. Wanting isn't expanding by force. It's recoiling into oneself... from level to level, for eternity. You don't need a mouthhole to eat with... and an asshole to swallow infinity. Your ass must go in your head, and so descend to ass level, then go left... or right, to rise higher. God is a vampire who suffered me in Him because I suffered and He didn't, and He profited from my pain. Mary is a body fallen from a soul. I am a soul imprisoned by a body. My soul makes me sick at heart, and it's my cunt. I'm a woman... though I don't beget my man through my cunt. I am joy. I am she who is joy, and need no longer fight it, or be tempted, but to gain an added joy. I am not resigned. Resignation is sad. How can one be resigned to God's will? Are we resigned to being loved? This seemed clear to me. Too clear. AT THAT TIME AT THAT TIME Oh, Mary, what a strange road I had to take to reach you. Now what's wrong? Here they are! Do you believe it now? Will he call Joseph "Dad"? What'll you do? Tell him later that he's not his father? That's life. I came about the station. We'll talk about it. I figured it out. I can pay it back in 2 years. - Sure! - No! Dad! Joseph! Thanks, Mary. For every woman. "How did He look? What was He like? "There are no looks in love, no outward seeming, "no likeness. "Only our hearts will tremble in the light. "I can't describe Him as He stood there, "but I can tell you how the women looked on seeing Him." Come with me. Come with me. - What's your name? - Fabian. Now your name's Peter. - And what's your name? - Florent. Now your name's James. What's my name? Where's my coffee? I'm late. Where's my coffee? Where's my coffee? Juniors'd better be nice this morning. Or we won't play whale tonight. Please, Mom, let's play whale! What's that called? The hedgehog, or the lawn. What's that called? Bells. What's that called? Loaves, bread. He's too old to see you naked now. "Quia respexit," Joseph. Some day, you know, he who is your father may forget you. Then you'll regret I'm not around. Look at me! I am who he is. Quit clowning! Get in! I must tend to my Father's affairs. By God, we'll see about that! Stop it! He'll be back. When? At Easter, or Trinity Sunday. Madam! Hey, Madam! What is it? Nothing. Hail, Mary! I am of the Virgin, and I didn't want this being. I only left my imprint on the soul that helped me. Processed by Eclair Video THE BOOK OF MARY What do you think? You'll escape routine if you're alone? No, that's not it. But I just can't stand this deal, putting up with anything as long as we stay together. You always come back to that. Admit it you are so afraid of being abandoned, you're fleeing into loneliness. You should know by now. Since you're here for once let's be serious. Seeing you is hardly a blessing now. Even for Mary. It's no good. And I've had it. I can't work, I can't sleep. I see, if we separate you'll sleep again? You see how brutal you are? You're brutal too, in your way. You won't face up to things. Listen Paul, you've cheated on the contract from the start. You can't brush that off. I think it takes constant inventiveness to succeed. In your line of work, you've lots of time for that. It doesn't interest you, that's all. So we play it safe and stay together. What does that do for the child? Loving's not investing. You can save too, not just give, or expect everything from one person. The way you've set things up, you could talk that way. You're never here. I spent much more time at home. I put a lot in and get little back. We've been over this so often. What other way is there? Before you didn't work, you took care of Mary. But now we're closer to an even footing. I don't agree. I'm still here for serving, caring for things. That's a mother's job, not a woman's. I am tired. Things have got to change for a while. You're so impatient. May be. What I know now is... that I don't need to be dominated to feel understood. I no longer need to lose. I don't see where that gets you either. I don't know. I want to see clearly. I wish you understood. Understanding's scarce. Truth is often deadly. Your truths are fatal, So don't complain afterwards. I'm not complaining, just trying to see clearly. Why is everyone so scared of clarity? Your eyes hurt? No, I'm alright. I don't need your total sincerity. It's comforting, but not interesting. Let's not start again. No, let's not. But try to understand sometimes. For 10 years we've copied. Now I want to invent. No one's stopped you. Anyway, women don't invent much. Even the soul was invented by a man. You're really encouraging. You don't need encouragement now. We can see how well you do on your own. Good morning! We continue with our operation. Now we cut the eye in half. It's black, if you can see that. I put this inside, it's the pupil. The pupil, seen from outside, magnified, of course, is brown. The eye is enormous, but the pupil takes up a lot of space. The rest is water. Water, yes. The pupil floats like a baby in the belly of its mother. When you look at things, it's because of the pupil, because it floats, and when we move as you see, it shifts. Understand what I'm saying? It's complicated, a bit technical. Yes, it's mechanical and technical and at the same time surgical. You operate once for this illness. If you do it twice, the patient dies. In any case the eye withers. It's a very serious operation. Yes, I entirely agree there. You undergo it after you've almost been sick. Because this gentleman, you see his eye, has been completely... shaken, see? It's had a shock. The eye's been completely terrorized, so... we can't do much for it. Well, that's all for this program. Good bye. Spoken to Mary? Not yet, but I'll speak to her, of course. And you'll have to tell her what keeps you so far from her, and from me. You've thought of what it'll mean to her, shuttling between parents? Stop talking as if it was all my doing. Silence, please. My spirit with a heavy fear forebodes In black battalions, stray ghosts ride Driving me on to moving roads closed in by bloodied skies on every side. How strange and wicked was our act? Can you explain my trouble and my fright? Silence! I said, silence! Who can tell me what Baudelaire meant to express in this poem? If you weren't asleep, that is. Get out your notebooks, I'll give you some dictation. Hurry! We have other things to do. My spirit with a heavy fear forebodes... Heavy fear, black battalions, with two "t's", and stray ghosts... Silence! Yes? Mary, I have something to tell you. All right. Go on. And make sure you've made no spelling errors. I have to talk to the principal. I'm sure you know what it is. Dad's going to live elsewhere. Not for a long time. Until winter, for example. Right. To continue: that seek to lead me on shifting ways... Mary! You'll see dad on weekends and holidays. Anyway, it's not for long. Have we committed a strange act? Explain if... It's not that we don't love each other any more. On the contrary. But if he stays here we'll quarrel. Believe me, you can trust me. Why don't you want us to go to Capri? Because you're an ass. You scare me, Paul. I've arrived earlier than I predicted. Do you need help? Don't just stand there, answer me! No, not necessary. I'll just take two or three things. Won't be long. I'm in a hurry, Mary. You go to Capri, Paul. See you Saturday, OK? Tell me about when I was little. Again! Go ahead. You seem especially fond of hearing that. You're right. It's the strongest memory of love. It's hard to recover that strength without going backward. It is thus. You just have to be able to give and accept. I'll prepare something to eat. See you downstairs. Dry your hair well. Mary! Hello. Hello. What's up? I'm taking a train. Where are you going? To see my father. Doesn't he live here? Not right now. - Your folks divorced? - No, they're not. - Is it your bear? - Yes. In any case... I am glad my parents are not divorced. You have no luck. That's enough. Hello, Mimi. My name's not Mimi, it's Mary. Where you going, Mimi? To see my father. That's right, he's gone away. It's good for him, a little... It's no big deal. Of course not. and you can travel with your bear, so it's no trouble. It's not a bear, it's a panther. Certainly, you're right. I'm a dumbbell about animals, I don't know. And where do you go? Passing the time. I'm on relief. I'm not working these days. I stay at home. I have a lot of housework, I like my place to be clean, you see. - Get bored? - Not at all, because... I study my own case. And I have my afternoons programmed. I go out on my bike, my moped, whatever you want to call it. It takes me everywhere. I get back at 7 or 9 in the evening. If the weather is good, I tike my time, I stop where I please. Forever damned be the feckless dreamer who, in his stupidity, first strove, enamored of an insoluble and sterile problem to mix honesty with love. Have you studied triangles? We've just started. I have to know the 4 types for Monday. Know what a jagged line is? One that changes direction. Yes, but how? By forming angles. And an angle? It's when the lines close. And when they meet? That's the vertex. Also called an intersection. An angle's like this. Yes, but also like this. No, it's like this. To get that, you first need this. All right. There are 4 kinds of triangles. The right-angle triangle, It looks like this. The side opposite the right angle is the hypotenuse. The equilateral triangle is the one that has three equal sides. The isosceles triangle You listening, Mary? The isosceles has two equal sides and the scalene has three unequal sides. Draw them, helps you to remember them. Are you hungry? Yes, terribly. Want a bite? That the concerto I liked so much? Yes, that's the one. Don't recognize it? Oh, yes. No, not really, in fact. Sounds like talk, don't you think? People in a discussion. Agreeing or disagreeing? A bit of both. Changes of mod, icy, exasperated, I demand. fire, fire, attention, error, horror, suffering... Hey, calm down. There's a Mahler symphony I can't find. Ask mom for it next time. OK. Mary, bring your pajamas, too. and don't forget your toothbrush again. We've got to go now. It's time. You ready? What? Mary. Come, Mary. Are you dead or just tired? I am dead. But everything that happens should interest you. You are so curious. You surprise me. It's not like before. Nothing can stay the same. It becomes, It becomes, It becomes different. When a thing stops moving, it's dead. You must have confidence, Mary. Sure, still, it's not like before. In French, Mary is "Marie". Know what it makes? What? A-I-M-E-R : to love. Ah, yes. You're beautiful! Your dress is beautiful! We'll be late. We must be going. The hairdo becomes you. Think so? It's not my favourite. You're darling, really. I'll leave you the number. If something comes up, call. Anyway I won't be home late. Don't forget tomorrow. I get to go out. I haven't forgotten. We should've gone already. I have to go, dear. Don't watch TV too late. I'll kiss you when I come in. Good bye. It would be killing the unification of Europe in the egg. This business must be smothered, in the egg. Can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. So I don't know. I don't know what to say. Get lost! It's the only way. AT THAT Time HAIL MARY Out of my mouth is shit. Stop talking. Then you stop eating. AT THAT TIME With you, silence can be unbearable. We can get married, if you like. I'm not afraid. Maybe that could help us. I wonder... What? All women want something unique. Can't you see I'm not listening? You know, Men think they enter a woman. AT THAT TIME How are you doing with Mary? That's my business. That's my business. Listen Mary, when there's a break-out, move fast. I wondered if some event would happen in my life. I've had only the shadow of love, in fact, the shadow of a shadow, like the reflection of a water-lily in a pond, not quite, but shaken by the ripples in the water, so that even the reflection is deformed and not yours... Nevertheless, So the sun, visible at last, began to shine on the primeval oceans and then, it's said, life appeared entirely by chance. There was hydrogen, nitrogen... AT THAT TIME What if it wasn't chance? 100 times that of the universe? What does that mean? That there was never time. chance had no time. Since life hadn't time to appear On earth! then it came from elsewhere, from space. We wonder what an extra-terrestrial looks like. Go to a mirror and look at yourself. OK, It's just a hypothesis, but... Look at this dip. It can only be explained by something in this cloud intercepting light at a specific wavelength. There's a bacteria, of a very common sort, that absorbs light at 3,4 microns. That's its signature. Any body, inert or alive, leaves its special mark on the electric field. In my opinion, this establishes a very strong presumption that life exists in space. We're from there. We are extraterrestrials. we weren't born in an amino acid soup. suddenly, by chance. No deal, The figures say "no". What if it wasn't chance? Exactly. The astonishing truth is that life was willed, desired, anticipated, organized, programmed by a determined intelligence. Eve, stand behind Pascal. My name's Eva. Yes, stand behind Pascal and cover his eyes. They say it'd take 1.35 trillion years... to find the solution blindfolded, but if there's someone beside you who can see, and says no to every wrong move, and yes to every move toward a solution at the rate of one move per second, how long is needed? 2 minutes. From 1.35 trillion years to 2 minutes. That's what happened. Memory! Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. No. No. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. No. Yes. Were you exiled for these ideas? These... and others. See you Monday. Is the law of falling bodies because life fell from the sky? Yes, good bye. Well! Coming! Like a drink at my place one evening? That's another story. Your shoe, your shoe! The question is if this creature called man ever existed. The man as he appears in legends is nothing more than a figment of the popular imagination. While there are Bourbons in Spain there'll be no piece. That's not your line, Uncle Gabriel! Right! - Straight ahead! -Where's that? Here's $500. No, it's closed. How about there? No, there should be a house alongside. What are you looking for? Here! Stop at this station. No, no. Here's $500, for God's sake. We'll be back! You've a daughter, Mary? - What's it about? - Mary... She's here! For God's sake! Mary, help! - Mary! - Mary! Why are you here? We said Saturday. Don't, dad, it's Joseph. They brought me here. I'm sick of your tricks. Forget it! OK, what is it? It's you, Mary. It's you, Mary. What do you want? and you? and you? What do you want? What do you want? And you, my lady? Your fiancée? What's it to you? We couldn't care less. But you're going to have a child. By whom? - You'll have a baby. - I sleep with no one. Mary, shit, who are these people? Go on! Straight ahead! Here's $500. By whom? It won't be his, never! By whom? Don't play innocent! By whom? Mary. Mary, be pure, be rough. Follow thy way. My way! but the voice or the word? Don't be silly! I know where you're going and soon you will too. Don't forget! Don't forget, what goes in, goes out. And what goes out, goes in! I am tired, shall we stop? We each go on, and each of us attains what he can reach. It's the last verse written by Hölderlin. The last verse of earth. Gracious. Those ants are strictly the invisible man. I swear it was here! You never find ants near water. Wrong. Some ants seek gold. I read Scientific American too. What about these ants? Olivier found an anthill. He rigged wiring to warm the ants in winter. He wanted to keep them awake, in winter, hoping they'd use that leisure time, - to invent things. - What? Music, maybe. There's no escape. What's this? Miracles don't exist. Kiss me. What's it all these? What's it? There's no escape for us. AT THAT TIME Let's go on with our story; Imagine our descendants in 8 million years, 100 million. Their wisdom and knowledge are unimaginable today. They suddenly notice that the supposedly fixed balance of the universe is subtly changing. Won't our descendants try to preserve life? Kiss me. I kiss you, I do. - Just once, Mary. - You should trust me. A prior intelligence programmed life. It struggled to exist in a pitiless universe. It preserved life. AT THAT TIME How'd you think of it? Because of computers. When I think about it, that computer intelligence stuns me. If our distant descendants decided to encode, life as they know it in a message of magnesium, or boron, or God knows what, wouldn't they try to transmit the secret of Creation? Maybe the message has always been clear. Yes, that voice deep in our consciences whispers, if we listen: you're born of something, somewhere else, in heaven. Seek and you will find more than you dream of. Come to see the princess? You can't fall any lower. Who asked you? Do I tell him to come? Leave me alone. Mary! Why not tell the truth? I am telling it! Maybe the words come out wrong, or it's my voice, but it's the truth. It'd be simpler if you said you've seen other men. I sleep with no one. So where's the child from? Where'll it come from? Answer me. Look at me! I'm looking at you. Child must come from somewhere For two years now I can't touch you, why? - Kiss me! - I do not know, Joseph. By God! It's incredible. Call or stop by the theatre. - Please kiss me. - Not that way. I do kiss you, really. You must be sleeping around. It's the only answer. Guys with big cocks! We're through, Mary, Ciao. Hi, you here too? I keep dreaming. Can't sleep. It wears me out. Last night, before I went home, I dreamed I had to paint the whole building. I thought: that'll take time. That'll take time. I couldn't sleep. Must be a reason. You should make notes. Yes, but I can't write, so I draw. If it's a picture, you can't forget. I must learn to write, if I want to forget. - That's it. Your dad well? Yes, thanks. Still pumping gas? He wants out. You getting married soon? Broken up with Joseph? He seemed serious. Esther, the dossier of madam Malignon. What's wrong, Mary? I've got a pain! In the belly. We'll have a look. Take her blood pressure, Esther. Go next door and undress. Be right there Yes? No. Yes. No, not and no. If you put on weight, you'll be fine. Does the soul have a body? What do you mean, young lady, the body has a soul. I thought it was the opposite. Doctor! Doctor, I must be pregnant. When was your last period? Take off your panties and lie down there. It's no use. What? I didn't hear you. I've always wondered what we know about a woman, and I found that all you can know is what a man already knew. There's a mystery there. Do you want this child? Is it with Joseph? It wasn't with anybody. Some song and dance! Lie down. It's no song and dance. I'm happy. Now tell about your period. I must examine you, if you say it hurts. It came normally, very intense. - When? - Friday. Then quit being stupid. It's nothing. See for yourself! I haven't slept with anyone. I touch no one. Nobody caresses me. I want you to see if my baby's already there. You're hiding something from us. I'm not, I tell you. You see. I'm going to have a baby and I haven't slept with a man. Joseph won't believe it. You tell him. Lie still! Will you hurt me? Don't be afraid.. I was there when you were born. Being a virgin should mean being available or free, not being hurt. Well, do you believe me? do you believe me? It's true that it's true. Tell Joseph. Esther! May I get dressed? It must be mine. where to now? Paradise villa, Hermance road. I quit work at 5 p.m. Sure, that's OK. Is it in France? It's very close, you'll see. It's as pretty as Czechoslovakia. Well? Well! Yet I rejoiced in giving my body to the eyes... of Him who has become my Master forever, and glanced at this wonderful being. For in truth, He was that, then and always, not for his looks nor what he did, but in the silent power of what he was, the power gathered up in him, vast as a mountain on the sky as unamontañaque raises haciael sky that you can't measure or name, but only feel. Tonight? No, I've a practice session. OK, i'll go jump in the lake! Oh, jump in the lake? Ophelia's no role for you. What are you talking about? "To be or not to be..." Don't know it? I had to quit school when I was 12. Sorry. I must go. OK, i'll go jump in the lake! No, stop it! Yes? Andrea. What's on your mind? Night changes its own look and meaning. Heidegger, "Three Lectures... in the Bavarian Akademie". - Winter of 59. - Yes. Know whay he wasn't shot? As soon as we talk politics, you clam up. It's OK, Andrea, you can leave. It'certain, isn't it? I think politics today... must be the voice of horror. The voice, but the way or the word? The voice of horror, of which nothing can be said. Can I put this on? what's it? You can't find that in Prague. You OK? A smoke, a sax solo, that's all a man wants. I often wonder that in music... What? We marvel at a new phrase, but, really, there could be nothing. This is the time. And the place. Yes? No, not tonight. Not tonight. I think the spirit acts on the body, breathes through it, veils it to make it fairer than it is. For what is flesh alone? I habe business. I'll be in late. Write down the punp figures. Yes, dad. What is flesh alone? You may see it and feel only disgust. You may see it in the gutter, drunken, or in the coffin, dead. The world is as full of flesh as a grocer's counter is full of candles at the start of winter. But not until you've brought a candle home and lit it can it give you comfort. Come on. Don't you like my body? That's not it. Then what? Joseph! It's because of her. I don't know. It's making me sick. I don't know. I know, it's her. It always is... Mary. I'm a real woman, too. Yes. I'd like to love you, but I don't know how. Let's go home. Come on. I'm comimg. You're complicating things, don't you think? If God exists, nothing's allowed. - How? - If God exists, nothing is allowed. What are you doing with that tramp? No, uncle Gabriel. Not like that! When he's around, I forget my lines! It's awful. He's a real nothing. Got the list? What list? He wants to know everything. Like everyone. He doesn't even know how to walk his dog. Like everyone. He's scared of the hole. Like everyone. He has no taste in ties. - Yes, zero equals zero. - He lacks trust. That's no fault. What's the common denominator between zero and Mary? Mary's body. - Answer, nitwit. - Dunno. He wears blind man's glasses, the dolt. Try and follow the movement... Not with your hand, your eyes! She'll make a fool of me! Look me in the eyes. - If some guy's knocked her up... - we are not "some guy". I don't get it. Have trust! Trust! I have none left. And love, you jerk! Love... I'm going, ciao. I've come. What's wrong? Your eyes again? - What's the book? - It's for you. Into the maze of life goes the dashing young man, with the best horse, the finest armour and the most beautiful clothes. to be knight, lord, a great prince, he wants it all. But someone unseen awaits him without weapon, title or pride : God! Thanks a lot. Don't want it? I prefer mine. Would've been a change. I'll pass it up. He's funny, he calls the rain "Sister Rain", and the fire, "Brother Fire". And the body? What about the body? The body... The body... The body, "Brother Donkey". Why does my body repel you? Don't say "I kiss you, I do". I'm scared, too. All this doen't happen every day. So I am a bit scared. One's better as a pair... Whay don't you believe the spirit affected the body? I believe the opposite. That scares me. At least say you don't love me. I can't stand this silence. Brother Silence. I know you love me. But it has to be something else. You don't care if we see each other, or if I'm sick or dead.. Am I alive? Maybe I can only harm you. I don't understand,. I don't understand it. Mary. Are a great secret, It's a big secret. My love... we don't know how to say it, So immense that all is consumed and you'll leave me. Anyway, I must know. Know what? The hand of god is upon me and you cannot interfere. What now? I must go home. There was no point in coming. You body's not the snag, but it's your lack of trust! Why can't I want the child to be mine? Tell me who you did it with, I don't care, if you stay with me, if I stay with you, sleep with you, wake up with you. And Juliette? I don't love her. I love you. Very well. Look. Give me your hand. Come on, by God. There, feel. You see, I'm sleeping with no one. But i'll still have a child. You must believe it. I'll only be your shadow. God's shadow... Isn't that what all men are for a woman who loves her man. Let the soul be body... Then no one can say the body is soul, since the soul shall be body... Thy will be done... Yes, she's married. Then excuse me. Good bye, lady. Lady... Who is it? I received your letter. So basketball's like that. Fatigue, victory, fatigue. What did you mean by : "That's not enough". You said you could see I loved you. Yes. I see it. But you said that's not enough. You'll find something. What do you do all day now? Talk to me. It's unbelievable, he never comes. I've waited for 4 days, I fixed the motor, put in a phone and video. It's all working. He phones to say he's coming but by evening he hasn't shown up. Rich folks are weird. AT THAT TIME - Which one is it? - The big white one there. AN THAT TIME - Can I go see it? - Yes. We're getting married, can I see you naked just once. I'll only loook. Yes... You'll look. It's been ages since I've had a normal conversation. Yet nature prevails. I want to talk, like others. Because, though I hide it, I'm in pain, like others. Even a bit more. They'll wrest from me that which I dare not give. You'll act chastely with me. Don't take from someone who enver took from you. To be chaste is to know every possibility, without ever straying. That's an impossible task. To acomplist it, one has to admit... that the stars we see at night are vast worlds located very far from ours and everybody knows that the stars are just lamps hanging from the sky most of which are very close to us. For us may be the best explanation of our origins is this idea of another world located farther in space. It is only, he said, a legendary deformation of Horla's idea of the world whose dogs knew of it since ancient times. Go, Arthur. The time has come. I'll go see the boss lady. This time I think we've won. I no longer wish to understand. Does it matter what I am or am not? No, not already. We can't escape one another any more than we can escape him. Mary, what are you doing? Mary stop it! Joseph. Joseph. Joseph. Tell me you love me. - I love you! - No! I love you. No. No. - I love you. - No. But Maria, I love you. No, no, no. But why? Why? Because! Because it is law. - Got it? - Yes. I will sacrifice myself. Asshole! First, a hole is not a hole. And second: Taboo wipes out sacrifice. But why? Because he is the rule! . Joseph, I love you. Mary. No. Yes. Is that, I love you? Yes. Are that it? - That? - Yes. I love you. Yes. Suddenly a light shone in my heart, warm and gentle as a glowing fire... What on earth, or even heaven, beats knowing you please the one you love, and who is your master. I remember what he said about sin as we watched the dragonflies: if you thought of it rightly, it just wasn't there. It disappears like the covers of dragonflies when they fight for their freedom. We are speaking His word. Mary. How else can we be close... to his word than by speaking it? Mary. Yes, what? We're speaking and we're speaking of the word What we're speaking of, the word, is always ahead of us. Then you won't leave me? I'll stay. I'll never touch you. I'll stay. Don't believe the dollar will drop. Don't believe the vacation will be fun. You can believe rain falls downward. It's a law of nature. It isn't sad, it's big. I must go. Don't I count for you? My wife and son count too. Now that I've a visa, I must go see what's going on, no? Undestand? Till how much do your wife and son count? I don't get it. Bastard! I'm sorry. Doesn't matter. You say your wife's in jail, and you sleep with me. - Eve, please. - Eva. It's all over with Eve. Go on, beat it, since it's what you want. Give me back my 32,000 francs. I'll send it to you. You really are a nothing. What makes a soul is its pain. He'll be the first to hear my pain for them. And he told me: Daughter, I'm suffocating to see you suffocate. God's a creep, a coward who won't fight, who counts on ass alone, that is, on a quiet heart, for existance an excess of ingress. I want no carnal joy: I don't want to wear out my heart in one go, or my soul, in one go. Even pain won't get me in one gone. and I will not disappear into it, but it will disappear with me. It will always be horrible for me to be the master, but there'll be no more sexuality in me. I'll know the true smile of the soul, not from outside, but from inside. Like a pain that's always deserved. It's not a matter of experience, but of total disgust, total hatred. and not of morality or dignity. It's necessary that the Father and Mother must fuck to death over my body. Then Lucifer will die, and we'll see... We'll see who's weariest, him, or me. Earth and sex are in us. Outside there are only stars. Wanting isn't expanding by force. It's recoiling into oneself from level to level, for eternity. You don't need a mouthhole to eat with... and an asshole to swallow infinity. Your ass must go in your head and so descend to ass level, then go left, or right, to rise higher. God is a vampire who suffered me in him because I suffered and he didn't, and he profited from my pain. Mary is a body fallen from a soul, I am a soul imprisoned by a body. My soul makes me sick at heart, and it's my cunt... I am a woman though I don't beget my man through my cunt. I am joy. I am she who is joy,and need no longer fight it, or be tempted, but to gain an added joy. I am not resigned, resignation is sad. How can one be resigned to god's will? Are we resigned to being loved? This seemed clear to me. Too clear. AT THAT TIME AT THAT TIME oh, Mary, what a strange road I had to take to reach you. Now what's wrong? Here thay are! Do you believe it now? Will he call Joseph "dad"? What'll you do? Tell him later that's not his father? That's life. Joseph. I came about the station. We'll talk about it. I figured it out, I can pay it back in two years. Sure. - Yes. - No. Dad, Joseph. Thank you very much, Mary. And why? For every woman. How did he look? What was he like? There are no looks in love, no outward seeming, no likeness. No, only our hearts will tremble in the light. I can't describe him as he stood there, but I can tell you how the women looked on seeing him. Come with me. Come with me. What's your name? Fabian. Now you name's Peter. And what's your name? Florent. From now on your name's James. What's my name? Where's my coffee? I'm late. Where's my coffee. Where's my coffee. Juniors'd be better be nice this morning. Or we won't play whale tonight. Please, mom, let's play whale! What's that called? The hedgehog, or the lawn. What's that called? Bells. What's that called? Loaves, bread... He's too old to see you naked now. "Quia respexit", Joseph. Some day, you know, he who is your father may forget you. Then you'll regret I'm not around. Look at me! I am He who is. Quit clowning! Get in! No! I must tend to my father's affairs. By God, we'll see about that. Stop it! Stop it! He'll be back. When? At Easter. or Trinity Sunday. Lady... Hello, lady! What is it? Nothing. Hail, Mary. I am of the Virgin, and I didn't want this being. I only left my imprint on the soul that helped me. That's all. ATTHAT TIME VIRGIN MARY Out of my mouth is shit. Stop talking. Stop eating. ATTHAT TIME With you, silence can be unbearable. We can get married, if you like. I �m not afraid. Maybe that could help us. I wonder... What? All women want something unique. Can �t you see I �m not listening? You know, men think they enter a woman. ATTHAT TIME How are you doing with Mary? That �s my business. Listen, Mary, when there �s a break-out, move fast. "I wondered if some event would happen in my life." "I �ve had only the shadow of love," yes, "in fact, the shadow of a shadow," "like the reflection of a water lily in a pond," "not quiet, but shaken by ripples in the water," "so that even the reflection is deformed and not yours..." So the sun, visible at last, began to shine on the primeval oceans, and then, it �s said, life appeared entirely by chance. There was hydrogen, nitrogen... ATTHAT TIME What if it wasn �t chance? 100 times that of the universe? What does that mean? That there was never time, chance had no time. Since life hadn �t time to appear... On earth! ...then it came from elsewhere, from space. We wonder what an extra-terrestrial looks like. Go to a mirror and look at yourself. It �s just a hypothesis, but... Look at this dip. It can only be explained by something in this cloud intercepting light at a specific wavelength. There is a bacteria, of a very common sort, that absorbs light on 3.4 microns. That �s its signature. Any body, inert or alive, leaves its special mark on the electronic field. In my opinion, this establishes a very strong presumption that life exists in space. We �re from there. We are extra-terrestrials. We weren �t born in an amino-acid soup, suddenly, by chance. No deal. The figures say "no". What if it wasn �t chance? Exactly. The astonishing truth is that life was willed, desired, anticipated, organized, programmed by a determined intelligence. Eve, stand behind Pascal. My name �s Eva. Yes, stand behind Pascal and cover his eyes. They say it would take 1.35 trillion years to find the solution blindfolded, but if there �s someone beside you who can see, and says no to every wrong move, and yes to every move toward a solution, at the rate of one move per second, how long �s needed? 2 minutes. From 1.35 trillion years to 2 minutes. That �s what happened. Memory! Yes...yes yes...yes... No! Were you exiled for these ideas? These...and others. See you Monday. Is the law of falling bodies because life fell from the sky? Yes. Good-bye. - Well! - Coming? Like a drink at my place one evening? That �s another story. Your shoe! "The question is if this creature called man ever existed." "Legendary man is a figment of the popular imagination..." While there are Bourbons in Spain there �ll be no peace. That �s not your line, Uncle Gabriel! Right! Straight ahead. Where �s that? Here �s $500. It �s closed. How about there? No, there should be a house alongside. What are you looking for? Here! Stop at this station. Here �s $500, for God �s sake. We �ll be back! You �ve a daughter, Mary? What �s it about? Mary... She �s here! For God �s sake! Mary, help! What �s going on? Why �re you here? We said Saturday. Don �t, Dad, it �s Joseph. They brought me here. I �m sick of your tricks. Forget it! OK, what is it? It �s you, Mary. What do you want? What do you want? And you, my lady? Your fiancée? What �s it to you? We couldn �t care less. But you �re going to have a child. By whom? - You �ll have a baby. - I sleep with no one. Mary, shit, who are these people? Go on! Straight ahead! Here �s $500. By whom? It won �t be his. Never! By whom? Don �t play innocent! By whom? Mary, Be pure, be rough. Follow Thy way. What? My way! But the voice or the word? Don �t be silly! I know where you �re going and soon you will too. Don �t forget! Don �t forget, what goes in, goes out. And what goes out, goes in! I �m tired. Shall we stop? We each go on, "and each of us attains what he can reach." Hölderlin...his last work. Those ants are strictly the invisible man. I swear it was here! You never find ants near water. Wrong. Some ants seek gold. I read "Scientific American" too. What about these ants? Olivier found an anthill. He rigged wiring to warm the ants in winter. He wanted to keep them awake in winter, hoping they �d use that leisure time, to invent things. What? Music, maybe. There �s no escape. What is this? Miracles don �t exist. Kiss me. What is all this? There �s no escape, for us. Let �s go on with our story. ATTHAT TIME Imagine our descendants in 8 million years, 100 million. Their wisdom and knowledge are unimaginable today. They suddenly notice that the supposedly fixed balance of the universe is subtly changing. Won �t our descendants try to preserve life? Kiss me. - I kiss you, I do. - Just once, Mary. You should trust me. A prior intelligence programmed life. It struggled to exist in a pitiless universe. It preserved life. ATTHAT TIME How � d you think of it? Because of computers. When I consider it that computer intelligence stuns me. If our distant descendants tried to encode life as they know it in a message of magnesium, or Bohr, or God knows what, GOD wouldn �t they try to transmit the secret of Creation? Maybe the message has always been clear. Yes, that Voice deep in our consciences whispers, if we listen: you �re born of something, somewhere else, in Heaven. Seek and you will find more than you dream of. Come to see the princess? You can �t fall any lower. Who asked you? Do I tell him to come? Leave me alone. Why not tell the truth? I am telling it. Maybe the words come out wrong, or it �s my voice, but it �s the truth. Be simpler if you said you �ve seen other men. I sleep with no one. So where �s the child from? Where �ll it come from? Answer me! Look at me! I �m looking at you. Child must come from somewhere. For 2 years now I can �t touch you. Why? Kiss me. I don �t know, Joseph. By God! It �s incredible! Call, or stop by the theater. Please kiss me. Not that way. I do kiss you, really. You must be sleeping around. It �s the only answer. Guys with big cocks! We �re through, Mary. Ciao! Hi! You here too? I keep dreaming. Can �t sleep. It wears me out. Last night, before I went home, I dreamed I had to paint the whole building. I thought: that �ll take time. That �ll take time. I couldn �t sleep. Must be a reason. You should make notes. Yes, but I can �t write, so I draw. If it �s a picture, you can �t forget. I must learn to write, if I want to forget. That �s it. Your Dad well? Yes, thanks. Still pumping gas? He wants out. You getting married soon? Broken up with Joseph? He seemed serious. What �s wrong, Mary? I �ve got a pain: In the belly. We �ll have a look. Take her blood pressure, Esther. Go next door and undress. Be right there. If you put on weight, you �ll be fine. Does the soul have a body? What do you mean, young lady, the body has a soul. I thought it was the opposite. Doctor! I must be pregnant. When was your last period? Take off your panties an lie down there. It �s no use. What? I didn �t hear you. I �ve always wondered what we know about a woman, and I found that all you can know is what a man already knew. There �s a mystery there. Do you want this child? Was it with Joseph? It wasn �t with anybody. Some song and dance! Lie down. It �s no song and dance. I �m happy. Now tell about your period. I must examine you, if you say it hurts. It came normally, very intense. - When? - Friday. Then quit being stupid. It �s nothing. See for yourself! I haven �t slept with anyone. I touch no one. No one caresses me. I want you to see if my baby �s already there. You �re hiding something from us. I �m not, I tell you. You see? I �m going to have a baby and I �ve slept with no man. Joseph won �t believe it. You tell him. Lie still! Will you hurt me? Don �t be afraid. I was there when you were born. Being a virgin should mean being available, or free, not being hurt. Well, do you believe me? It �s true that it �s true. Tell Joseph. Esther! May I get dressed? It must be mine! Where to now? Paradise villa, Hermance road. - I quit work at 5 P.M. - Sure, that �s OK. Is it in France? It �s very close. You �ll see, it �s as pretty as Czechoslovakia. Well? "Yet I rejoiced in giving my body to the eyes..." "of Him who has become my Master forever," and glanced at this wondrous being. "For in truth, He was that, then and always," "not for His looks nor what He did," "but in the silent power of what He was," "the power gathered up in Him vast as a mountain on the sky" "that you can �t measure or name," but only feel. Tonight? No, I �ve got a practice session. OK, I �ll go jump in the lake! Jump in the lake? Ophelia �s no role for you. What are you talking about? To be or not to be... Don �t know it? I had to quit school when I was 1 2. Sorry. I must go. OK, I �ll go jump in the lake! No, stop it! What �s on your mind? Night changes its own look and meaning. Heidegger, 3 lectures in the Bavarian Academy. - Winter of �59. - Yes. Know why he wasn �t shot? As soon as we talk politics, you clam up. I think politics today must be the voice of horror. The voice, but the way or the word? The voice of horror, of which nothing can be said. Can I put this on? What is it? You can �t find that in Prague. You OK? Asmoke, a sax solo, that �s all a man wants. I often wonder that in music... What? We marvel at a new phrase, but, really, there could be nothing. This is the time. And the place. Yes? No, not tonight. "I think the spirit acts on the body, breathes through it," "veils it to make it fairer than it is." For what is flesh alone? I have business. I �ll be in late. Write down the pump figures. Yes, Dad. What is flesh, ...alone? "You may see it and feel only disgust." "You may see it in the gutter, drunken," or in the coffin, dead. The world �s as full... "...of flesh as a grocer �s counter is of candles at the start of winter." "But not until you �ve brought a candle home" and lit it can it give you comfort. Come on... Don �t you like my body? That �s not it. Then what? - It �s because of her. - I don �t know. It �s making me sick. I don �t know. I know, it �s her. It always is... I �m a real woman, too. I �d like to love you, but I don �t know how. Let �s go home. Come on. I �m coming. You �re complicating things, don �t you think? What? If God exists, nothing �s allowed. What are you doing with that tramp? No, Uncle Gabriel. Not like that! When he �s around, I forget my lines! It �s awful. He �s a real nothing. Got the list? What list? He wants to know everything. Like everyone! He doesn �t even know how to walk his dog. Like everyone. He �s scared of the hole. Like everyone. He has no taste in ties. Like everyone. - Zero equals zero. - He lacks trust... That �s no fault. What �s the common denominator between zero and Mary? Mary �s body! - Answer, nitwit! - Dunno! He wears blind man �s glasses, the dolt. Try and follow the movement... Not with your hand, your eyes! - She �ll make a fool of me! - He won �t face up! Look me in the eyes. If some guy �s knocked her up... We �re not "some guy"! I don �t get it. Have trust! Trust! I �ve none left. And love, you jerk! Love... I �ve come. What �s wrong? Your eyes again? What �s the book? It �s for you. "Into the maze of life goes the dashing young man." "The best horse, the finest armor and clothes," "to be knight, Lord, a Greek Prince, he wants it all." But Someone... "...unseen awaits him without weapon, title or pride: God!" - Thanks a lot! - Don �t want it? I like my book better. Would �ve been a change. I �ll pass it up. He �s funny: he calls the rain Sister Rain and the fire: Brother Fire. And the body? What about the body? The body... The body... The body... Brother Donkey Why does my body repel you? Don �t say: "I kiss you, I do" I �m scared, too. All this doesn �t happen every day. So I �m a bit scared. One �s better as a pair... Why don �t you believe the spirit affects the body? I believe the opposite! That scares me. At least say you don �t love me. I can �t stand the silence. Brother Silence! I know you love me. But it has to be something else. You don �t care if we see each other, or if I �m sick or dead... Am I alive? Maybe I can only harm you. I don �t understand. It �s a big secret. My love... We don �t know how to say it. So immense that all is consumed and you �ll leave me. Anyway, I must know. Know what? The hand of God is upon me and you can �t interfere. What now? - I must go home. - There was no point in coming Your body �s not the snag, it �s your lack of trust! Why can �t I want the child to be mine? Tell me who you did it with, I don �t care, if you stay with me, if I stay with you, sleep with you, wake up with you. And Juliette? I don �t love her. I love you. Very well. Look. Give me your hand. Come on, by God! There, feel. You see, I �m sleeping with no one. But I �ll still have a child. You must believe it. I �ll only be your shadow. God �s shadow... Isn �t that what all men are for a woman who loves her man... Let the soul be body... Then no one can say the body is soul, since the soul shall be body. Thy will be done... Yes, she �s married. Who is it? I got your letter. So basketball �s like that! Exhaustion, winning exhaustion... What did you mean by: That �s not enough. You said you could see I loved you. Yes... I see it. But you said that �s not enough. You �ll find something. What do you do all day now? Talk to me. It �s unbelievable, he never comes. I �ve waited for 4 days. I fixed the motor, put in a phone and video. It �s all working. He phones to say he �s coming, but by evening he hasn �t shown up. Rich folks are weird. ATTHAT TIME Which one is it? The big white one there. ATTHAT TIME Can I go see it? Yes... We �re getting married: can I see you naked just once. I �ll only look. Yes... You �ll look. It �s been ages since I �ve had a normal conversation. Yet nature prevails. I want to talk, like others. Because, though I hide it, I �m in pain, like others. Even a bit more. They �ll wrest from me that which I dare not give. You �ll act chastely with me. Don �t take from someone who never took from you. To be chaste is to know every possibility, without ever straying. That �s an impossible task! "To accomplish it, one has to admit..." "...that the stars we see at night..." "...are vast worlds located very far from ours..." ...and everyone knows, "that stars are just lamps hanging from the sky," "most of which are very close to us." For us, "maybe the best explanation of our origins" "is this idea of another world..." ...located farther in space. It is only, he said, "a legendary deformation of Horla �s idea of the world" "whose dogs knew of it since ancient times..." Go, Arthur. The time has come. I �ll go see the boss lady. This time I think we �ve won. I no longer wish to understand. Does it matter what I am or am not? No, not already! We can �t escape one another any more than we can escape him. Mary, what are you doing? Stop it! Tell me you love me. I love you. But why? Why? Because! Because it �s Law! Got it? Yes... I �ll sacrifice myself. Asshole! First, a hole isn �t a hole. Second: Taboo wipes out sacrifice. But why? Because that �s the rule! I love you. Is that, I love you? Is that it? That? "Suddenly a light shone in my heart," "warm and gentle as a glowing fire..." �What, on earth, or even heaven," "beats knowing you please the One you love," and Who is your master? "I remember what He said about sin," "as we watched the dragonflies:" "if you thought of it rightly, it just wasn �t there." "It was gone like the shrouds of dragonflies," when they wrestled free. We �re speaking His Word. How else can we be close to His Word than by speaking it? Yes? What? We �re speaking, and we �re speaking of the Word. What we �re speaking of, the Word, is always ahead of us. Then you won �t leave me? I �ll stay. I �ll never touch you. I �ll stay. Don �t believe the dollar �ll drop. Don �t believe vacation will be fun. You can believe rain falls downward. It �s a law of nature. The world �s too sad! It isn �t sad. It �s big! I must go. Don �t I count for you? My wife and son count too. Now that I �ve a visa, I must go see what �s going on, no? Understand? Till how much do your wife and son count? I don �t get it. Bastard! I �m sorry. You say your wife �s in jail, and you sleep with me. - Please, Eve. -Eva. It �s all over with Eve. Go on, beat it, since it �s what you want. Give me back my 32,000 francs. I �ll send it to you. You really are a nothing. What makes a soul is its pain. He �ll be the first to hear my pain for them. And He told me: Daughter, I �m suffocating to see you suffocate. God �s a creep, a coward who won �t fight, who counts on ass alone, that is, on a quiet heart, for existence, an excess of ingress. I want no carnal joy: I don �t want to wear out my heart in one go, or my soul, in one go. Even pain won �t get me in one go, and I won �t disappear into it. It will disappear with me. It will always be horrible for me to be the Master, but there �ll be no more sexuality in me. I �ll know the true smile of the soul, not from outside... But from inside. Like a pain that �s always deserved. It �s not a matter of experience, but of total disgust, total hatred, and not of morality or dignity. The Father and Mother must fuck to death over my body. Then Lucifer will die, and we �ll see... We �ll see who �s weariest, him or me. Earth and sex are in us. Outside there are only stars. Wanting isn �t expanding by force. It �s recoiling into oneself from level to level, for eternity. You don �t need a mouthhole to eat with... and an asshole to swallow infinity. Your ass must go in your head, and so descend to ass level, then go left... or right, to rise higher. God is a vampire who suffered me in Him because I suffered and He didn �t, and He profited from my pain. Mary is a body fallen from a soul. I am a soul imprisoned by a body. My soul makes me sick at heart, and it �s my cunt... I �m a woman though I don �t beget my man through my cunt. I am joy. I am she who is joy, and need no longer fight it, or be tempted, but to gain an added joy. I am not resigned. Resignation is sad. How can one be resigned to God �s will? Are we resigned to being loved? This seemed clear to me. Too clear. ATTHAT TIME ATTHAT TIME Oh, Mary, what a strange road I had to take to reach you. Now what �s wrong? Here they are! Do you believe it now? Will he call Joseph "Dad"? What �ll you do? Tell him later that it �s not his father? That �s life. I came about the station. We �ll talk about it. I figured it out. I can pay it back in 2 years. - Sure! - No! Dad! Joseph! Thanks, Mary. For every woman. "How did He look? What was He like?" There are no looks... "...in love, no outward seeming," no likeness. "Only our hearts will tremble in the light." "I can �t describe Him as He stood there," "but I can tell you how the women looked on seeing Him." Come with me. Come with me. What �s your name? Fabian. Now your name �s Peter. And what �s your name? Florent. Now your name �s James. What �s my name? Where �s my coffee? I �m late. Where �s my coffee! Where �s my coffee! Juniors �d better be nice this morning. Or we won �t play whale tonight. Please, Mom, let �s play whale! What �s that called? The hedgehog, or the lawn. What �s that called? Bells. What �s that called? Loaves, bread... He �s too old to see you naked now. Quia respexit, Joseph. Some day, you know, he who is your father may forget you. Then you �ll regret I �m not around. Look at me! I am who he is. Quit clowning! Get in! I must tend to my Father �s affairs. By God, we �ll see about that! Stop it! He �ll be back. When? At Easter, or Trinity Sunday. Madam! Hey, Madam. What is it? Nothing. Hail, Mary! I am of the Virgin, and I didn �t want this being. I only left my imprint on the soul that helped me. "The Two Lives of Mattia Pascal" PART THREE Who would be interested in my story? That's what you think! It sounds like a tale by Boccaccio, Bandello... with all these intrigues involving women... children, other people's children... Money lost, found, and lost again... Presumed dead, dead bodies resurrected... You see? Write it also to leave a testimony! If it does not work out, throw it away. But... what if you do it right? I would not even know where to start. If you ask me the death of your poor father... It's even an original start. What originality? Who hasn't lost a father? Well, those who have died before their father. Mycaseis quitenormal. Itookcareoftheadministrationof agricultural enterprise... andbeganto courtOliva, the daughter of the foreman... whochoseto marry Malagna, our administrator. Whogotrichby stealing from us... Malagnaeventried to take my Romilda... awomanIalmostmarried. I impregnated her. Malagnawas willing to leave his wife... whoseemed unable to have children... but in the end she had one. My child. Outofrevenge,you returnedtoOliva , and she became pregnant. Afterwards, Malagna returned to his legal wife... andforcedme to marryhis niece Romilda. Living with my mother-in-law and my wife... wasdetrimentalto my mother's health. She soon left this world. And you left Miragno... takingthemoney your brother... sent for the funeral. A very difficult decision. I was also tempted to commit suicide. Thenasluckwouldhave it, a train stopped. Luckthatfollowed you to Monte Carlo. Yes,andit remainedwith me until it vanished. Had I not stpped in time... Iwouldhaveendedbadly, like so many others. It was then that you returned to Miragno... And I witnessed... my funeral. Averystrange circumstance, I admit... but your reaction was dishonorable. WhatcouldIdo? Allofyouwereconvinced I was buried there. ShouldI havejumpedout and embraced my wife and my mother-in-law? WhenI receivedthe opportunity to become another man. Free of any bond or any obligation. Free again. Able to create a future for myself. I started looking for an identity outside the law. Unfortunately,things are always more complex than you think. The practical difficulties aren't the only thing that influence us. I took refuge in the Paleari residence, due to the practical difficulties. I became friends with Mr. Paleari... withthatcrazy Miss Caporale... andsweetAdriana. Andyoufellinlove . -No, I liked her. Is it my fault if I like women? And did she like you? Pellegrinotto, you never remember anything... When it comes to women, it's useless, you... I've already told you. I had invited her to take a trip with me. Yes, yes. Miss. -Can I help you? - No thanks, I can do it. Come on! Please take this, and give me your stuff. Thank you. -Please. You seem to be in good spirit. Everything fine? Yes, I went to the Embassy. I have good news. I have to take the photos... and by the end of the month I'll be able to leave, because I'll receive the documents. I don't know why, I thought you'd stay in Rome for awhile. No! What is a man to do in this country? You must leave Italy. Think of how much there is to see, new people to meet. One cannot always be locked in his house! One has to move. I want to go on a trip before returning to South America. Look at this. Mauritius. I have a friend who was in the Seychelles... and he told me it's a paradise. Look at India, for example. I've never been out of Italy. Not even in San Marino. But it's very simple. When I'll be leaving, prepare the bag and come with me. I am alone, you're alone... I'm Adriano, you're Adriana... It doesn't seem like a good enough reason. It feels like we're on a plane. Are you afraid? No. Oh, my God. I'm sorry! Are you hurt? I'm sorry. -No. I'm such a fool! So give me a kiss, as it's done with children. You think you're a kid? No. Actually, I'm a little old. I'm sorry. No, I... It's not what I meant. Excuse me. Mr. Meis, do you remember the key points... of the cryptological language? Two strikes means yes. Three strikes means no. Four: dark. Five: talk. Six: light. Now, we focus and form the chain. Are you in the chain? Good. -Mr. Meis. -Yes? I feel... I feel that you are thinking of someone. - Am I right? - Yes. I am thinking of a very sweet person. You want to know something about that person. I wonder what that person thinks of me. Then let's try and call this spirit. Four strikes. I feel that phenomena... present themselves through unusual energy. -Mr. Meis. -Yes? You want to call it? Who? Call the spirit. Say its name. Mattia Pascal. Mattia Pascal... How long has he been dead? And how? About a month, a suicide. Suicide? They are the best... and most eloquent... It's here. Mr. Meis, quickly! A question! What's your name? Who are you? What do you mean? Isn't his name was Mattia Pascal? Yes, yes. But he understands. What's your name? Who are you? I don't understand. Mr. Meis, repeat the question. - I'm afraid. -No... What's your name? Who are you? There it's moving. Here it is! Here it is! -Who? - Your spirit, look! The dead person you called! I spent hours practicing to change my handwriting... andmakeanew signature: Adriano Meis. Onenight... You knew how to find me! Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? What do I represent in this house? I'm wasting my time! Spit it out! You've got your eyes set on Adriana. and now you fear that the new tenant will take her from under your nose! He's not young, but he's a good man, nice, helpful... and even rich, I believe. What's this? A jealousy scene? -You're stupid! -Stupid, yes! For trusting you, who only wants my money! You'll get them, don't worry! I've been hearing that for a long time. No! I know I'll never get them! I told Adriana and her father. They know everything! You're an idiot! Exploiter! I am a good person. I had to explain... why I haven't been able to pay the rent for a few months now. You pay them! What's happening? What's wrong? Nothing. Actually, I came back from Naples and I don't like the news I heard. - I don't want spies in the house. - What spies? What have we got to hide? In these days you shouldn't accept the first who comes here. One who doesn't even have his documents in order. Anything can happen. Maybe he's a drug dealer or a fugitive... He's talking about Mr. Meis. He says he didn't send him and that, therefore, he may be a criminal. Go to sleep, I need to talk to my sister-in-law! No! Stay here, miss. Listen, haven't we agreed that it will be me who'd get information about those who wanted to stay in this house? That is a right you gave to yourself. The house belongs to my father and me. And we do what we want. It seemed like a good opportunity and we have taken him in. Mr. Meis is a good person. You can see that right away. Mr. Meis. Come, please. Sorry, could you come here for a moment, please? Here... Mr. Meis and this is my brother-in-law, Terenzio Papiano. - Good evening. - He just arrived from Naples. Nice to meet you. Ms. Clara who sent me here can give you all the guarantees about me. Ah! Ms. Clara. I know her very well. You... Are you her client? Well...yes, in a sense. I'm sorry for not being here when you arrived but I believe my sister-in-law knew how to deal with everything. -Yes. - Right? Thank you. I haven't missed anything. We must have awakened you with our conversation. -No. -I'm sorry. Good night. Well. let's go. Come on. Good night. Thank you. You don't know how grateful I am. Wait! No! What are you doing? Are you crazy? - Does it seem like the right time? - When? I don't know. Stop! Stop here, please. - How much is it? - Six thousand. Keep the change. But what are you doing? Warming up the muscles. It's a 10 km walk, what do you think? - We'll walk for 10km? - Not you! For the Lady of Divine Love. It brings good luck. I do it twice a year. This is the attorney Cirino Sette. Also known as "Seven Beauties." - Meis. Pleasure. - Have you brought the money? Yes, but I would like to know more about the procedures of this operation. What procedures? - Trust me, or I bid you goodbye. - Trust him, trust him. It's something you've never seen before. - Give it to me! - Here. Photos. I brought 4 photos, all the data, so... -Show me. -Here, look. Regarding Buenos AIres, everything will be just fine... But Italian nationality equals higher prices and longer times. How much? - Ten months? -Millions. Then I'd rather have Argentinian. How long will it take? A little. Give her a call. Stay on your toes! -We'll keep in touch! -Stay on your toes. Lawyer! Listen, lawyer. Could you give me a lift? What is it? Nothing. Nothing. We'll keep in touch. I trust you. Whilewaitingforaphonecall from Clara or her lawyer I spent entire days at home staying on my toes like that strange guy told me to do as well as courting Adriana. Bravo! When you are finished with the soil... - ...you can put the geraniums. - That too? Damned be the day I accepted work as a gardener! Every promise is a debt. That's what I say! I was also interested in Ms. Caporale's work. It's all about emission and respiration, of course. The voice must come from here. A - a - a - e - i - o - u Try it. A - a - e - e... i - o - and u. Is that okay? I spent long hours with old man Paleari... whotaughtme howtoplay checkers. Adriana, sit next to me. Concentrate hard... because I feel we have the spirit of Max here tonight. Concentrate hard. Lights off... The chain is not balanced. -You have to change places. -What does that mean? Me? - That's better? -Yes. Silence! Light! Light! What has happened? She's hurt. That's something new, inexplicable and strange. Max is a very sweet spirit. He would never have done that. Everyone has their motives. Who is it? Adriana. Turn off the light. You finally decided... Come in. First turn off the light. My name is Adriano Meis I called 100 times and no one answers. Good morning. Good morning. I expected a call from you for weeks. Come day after tomorrow. - When? - At noon. - Is it finished? - In a way, yes. Goodbye. Ah! Listen, Mr. Meis. Yes? Could I have a word with you? What's it about? Can we go to your room? Speak. Well, it's about business. Business? Yes. May I? An acquaintance of mine, a person I respect very much... is a creditor of a very large amount. Naturally, he's in possession of bills of exchange,... effects and credit bonds that guarantee it. But now he found himself in a serious financial difficulty... and therefore needs to realize immediately. That's why he is willing to transfer his credit in a very profitable manner to anyone willing to buy it. To sum it all up, with 80 or 100 million, you would be in possession... of a credit worth almost twice that. But... I don't understand why you came to talk to me. I don't do business and besides, I don't have such a sum. If only. -Oh, no? -No. Weird, I was convinced otherwise. I don't know where you got that information. From a mutual acquaintance. Think twice before saying no. It's a very profitable business from all viewpoints. For you, naturally. Excuse me, but... You told me you'd call after a few days... Yes, but...something happened and... What? They arrested the lawyer "Seven Beauties. " - It was in the newspapers. - Arrested? Yes! His partner says he will get at least 3 years. What about my money? How could I know? We saw each other on Saturday morning, I think. -Yes. -He was arrested Monday. -Where? -On the street. But my money, my documents, pictures... where did he keep them? I want to talk to his partner. - What is it? He wants to talk to you. There's not much to tell. It happened. What do you want from me? He kept the money. If the money isn't clean, that's a problem. The money is clean, spotless... and you have to return it, in accordance to the deal. We respect our commitments, but... If the judicial inquiry isn't closed, your process is on hold. - And how long must I wait? - This is Italy. My brother awaited trial for a year and a half. Hopefully they'll have more consideration for "Seven Beauties". But can't my process continue all the same? We offer legal documents issued by the people from the Police and Consulate. But if the higher-ups stop us we halt our operation. That's the rule. What does waiting cost you? You have a home, I found it for you. By the way, this Terenzio, what does he know about me? Okay, we'll talk later. Look, no one makes a fool out of me. -Either you give me the money or... -Or what? You spoke too much for my taste. Whether you're okay with it or no makes no difference. - So...? - So you better leave, understand? I dont want to hurt you. What is it, my love? You're not sleeping? I can't. You've been agitated all day. - What happened? - Nothing. Actually something happened. I went to the Embassy... and things are still not looking good. - The documents? - Yes. You don't have to worry. I found a solution. What solution? I know an Argentine Jesuit... who was our guest last year. He is a good friend of the Ambassador... and he swore that he'll arrange an interview. With Argentine Ambassador? And what for? What do you mean? If we decide to involve the Ambassador in the middle of this... then everything will get messed up! Let's let things run their course. - You'll see that sooner or later... -But you told me it was... Yes, I said so. But I realized I'd better... achieve the dual nationality. After all, this is an Italian process that needs to be sped up. Uncle, then! -What uncle? -Uncle Gino. Who is he? Uncle Gino, my poor mother's brother. He was a Sergeant. He is now retired, but knows everyone in the police. -We'll go tomorrow and solve everything. -Ah! Uncle Gino! Furthermore, tomorrow is a holiday. Holiday? What holiday? My party. It's my birthday. Congratulations. Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to surprise you. Instead, you know what we'll do tomorrow? We'll go to the sea. These are the first sunny days and we will enjoy them... Wespentabeautifuldayoutdoors... tocelebratemy alleged birthday. Adriana'spresence, the first warm days of spring... The calmness and serenity of the sea... mademeforget all my problems. ButI didnotknowwhat expected me on my return. Come on, the table is almost set. - Who cooked? - Terenzio... Ms. Caporale. Adriano. Table is set. We are waiting... What happened? What happened was that someone has gotten his hands... When did I open it last? There's at least 200 million missing! What? -Dad! -Be quiet! Let me check. I can not believe it. I can not believe it. Why did you bring so much money to this house? Remember that story about the documents? This is the result of a sale of two houses and property... but I can not open a bank account without documents, understand? But there's 200 million missing. Oh, my God! My God, it was him! Oh, my God indeed! My God, he's a thief! He's a thief as well! Dad! Come here! Be quiet! You want to make a fuss? Swear you will not say anything. No! I want this house free of that disgusting man! -Dad! -Adriana, what happened? Callthepolice! Whatareyousaying,stupid? Are you crazy? Youhavestolen200 million. My God! -What are you saying? - Stop this charade! How can that be? Nobodyleaveshere, understand? No one comes out. -What are you saying? -200 million. You don't believe me. Come. Come on. - But, how is that possible? -Is it true, Mr. Meis? Let's make a complaint to the police. I have nothing to lose. Oh, really? I bet it was you. I will report you to the police. -And don't think I'm kidding. -Enough! I'm calling the police. No, no. No police. No carabinieri. It was all a misunderstanding. I've found everything. -God be praised! -You found it? -Yes. -And where were they? I was like that man who was looking for a donkey while he was sitting on it. I had it in my wallet. I apologize. I saw you look for it everywhere. But since you're an idiot, you probably didn't see well. -But you promised... -I promised nothing! I want to get rid of this thief who destroyed my poor sister's life... Who persecutes me with obscene proposals not out of love but out of interest, like you did with this lady... Enough! - Hey, you... -Get your hands off me! You'll see it's nothing. He took me by surprise, That crook. It's always the good people that pay the price. Had he not taken me by surprise, I'd show him... Fight? No, an accident. Documents. Why? I fell down the stairs. You need to have the documents. I don't have them here. You need them to make the report. Very good. Let me get treated first and then... Get out! Let me go. I didn't do anything! Get out, move. -But I didn't see anything! -Come on, walk! What do you want from me? Can't you see I'm wounded? You're hurting me. What are you doing? Come on. Let's go. -But don't you want to get treated? -No. It's nothing. - Come on, hurry. - But you're hurt! -You'll patch me up later. -Why? Because it's nothing. How did that happen? I fell. -Yeah, from the fourth floor. -Kid, go to your mother... Wait for me! I'm going too! Why didn't you get treated? Sometimes you act like a child. Now we'll go home and make the complaint. Because you don't fool me. You got robbed. No, I'm not going back to that house. I don't want to see Terenzio ever again. I understand you, my love. But you can't avoid that thief and criminal so easily. Listen, I told you nothing was stolen. Plus I have no proof. Do you want to make a scandal? -I want to leave. -But where without the documents? I don't need to stay here to obtain the documents. Each city has an Argentine consulate and the police headquarters. I want to go. What about me? I'll never leave you. I'm going with you. Wherever you want... Because I love you. And you love me too, right? Can't you see the signs of my love for you on my face? Listen. I have an idea. You know what we'll do? A classic. We will go to Venice on our honeymoon. Would you like that? Now go home and start packing. Pack my stuff, too. And I'll go find us a hotel. Go. Beyondeverything,Adriana was a good cover. Withtheassuranceofherdocuments and my statement of loss... wecouldstay in any hotel... andleadahappyand carefree life... I had imagined when I fled Miragno. Istillhadthe means to do so. Andthencalmly... I'dfindaway toprocure an official identity... anda sourceof money. Tickets. Lottery tickets. -Who wants a ticket? Listen, give me one. -How much is it? -2000. Thank you. Here is my Easter gift. -What if I don't win? -You'll win. I was thinking... it would be nice to open a bank account in your name... That way I'd avoid walking around with so much cash. You want to give me that responsibility? You'll sign the checks we need. Thank you. That's a big proof of trust. Of love. -Thank you. -You're welcome. -Thank you. -Do you want it? No. No. -Good day. -Good day. Wait! -They are strawberries. -So? They're the first strawberries of the season. If you make a wish before you eat them it'll come true. But don't tell what it is. Or it won't come true. I don't want to see you any more. Thank you. You are very sweet. I talked to Dad this morning. I imagined. I did well. He said that he gives his blessing... If you are willing to make it formal, that is. He spoke with Uncle Gino about the documents. He also said that Terenzio disappeared... A week ago. As if he vanished. Nowonderhe vanished. He had stolen more than 200 million from me... andperhapshe 'salsoinVenice enjoying the sun. Or who knows where. WhileI havingpostponed the problem with documents... triedtolietomyself I was living a new life. Adriana! Run! -What is it? -You won! -Won what? -The lottery. You remember the ticket last week? MO12/23/40. It'snottrue. It's not MO. I'm telling you - You won! -It can't be -Go and see in the writing desk. -What? -In the writing desk! -Oh! So this is the prize! -Open it. Have you broken it? How wonderful. -Thank you. -I told you you've won! Thank you. In five weeks of our stay, according to my calculations... Ispent more than 30 million. Thrown away on dinners, gondolas, clothing, motorboats... anduselessstuff. Plus,thering I gave to Adriana. Butthatwasnot what worried me... it was more of a tedium of those useless and empty days. What about Adriana? Wasn'therloveenough for you? Adriana? Adriana was in love with this Meis person. I thought I had created it for my pleasure as a means to escape. Meis? You thought you'd be free of all ties and obligations? Free, brand new, your own master. -Without the burden of a past. -A winner. He who guesses correctly, wins, and goes home with the money. The ace wins. Look, the ace wins! Play, guess... Ace wins. Luck is with you. The ace wins. The lucky one wins. Look. The ace is always there. Bet and win. Who wants to play? Who wants to play? -Play, guess! -This one. -Where? -This. This one? Let's see. No, the gentleman lost. Unfortunately he lost. But don't get discouraged. Keep playing. The ace of clubs wins and others lose, of course. Now observe where the ace of clubs is. Guess where the ace of clubs is and win. Who wants to play? Who wants to play? Gentleman wants to guess? 10,000? Which one do you choose? No! This one. The ace has to be here. The gentleman is lucky. Very good, very good. As you see, it always pays. Let's continue. You can leave now, sir. Play, play. The ace of clubs always wins. Mr. Meis. A word, Mr. Meis... Sorry, we have to close the accounts for the season so we must ask you to settle the account. - Very well. - The director apologizes. Please accept the invitation for dinner tonight. Thank you. Tomorrow, I have a lot of things to do, you know. I'll also pass by the police station to see if there's news about the documents. You can make use of it and go see a hair stylist. - Milk? - Yes, yes. -Good morning. -Good morning. Look, I have no documents... but I have this police certificate of the loss. One moment. Could you come here for a second, boss? I'm sorry, sir, but this document is not sufficient. I understand. - Good morning, sir. - Good morning. Excuse me. Thank you. Sorry, it seemed you have a problem... -... trying to enter the Casino. - Yes, crazy stuff! I have a certificate of the police... proving the theft of my documents. Look. But they won't accept it. Indeed, some time had passed. This no longer works. But if you want to play... There is another possibility. Some places don't ask for documents. If you'd follow me. Yes. - Hello. - Hello. -Good day. -Hello. Here you can play any game without limits on a bet. The important thing is to have money and honor the debt. Pay immediately and without excuse. It's convenient for all. I felt a weird euphoria. Movingtowards the gaming table I once again started to feel like a winner a feeling that pushed me to find a new identity! I put all my hopes on that ball that spun and jumped. Iaskedforasign , a confirmation. A miserable answer. Why miserable? You won! The worst misfortune a player can have is to win on the first try! Because then the player won't stop until the dreadful end. I'll write that down. That day I won 12 million. I thought I had luck in my hands again. The world in my hands! And yet... I had to remember my experience with Véronique, in Monte Carlo. Love and game don't go hand in hand. You can gamble, huh? Oh! Always the same story! What a bore! This is the address for tomorrow night. -Thank you. - Goodbye. -You won? -Can you tell? -You want some advice? -No. My advices cost 50 000 each... but they're worth it. -Alright, give me a number. -Don't play anymore. Listen, let's do something. Sign all of them. That way you can forget about it and have no responsibilities. Ina fewweeks,Ican'tsay how many... Ilostallthe money and was left with nothing. I walked through all circles of Hell, until the last. I even had to sell Adriana's ring, but it wasn't enough. I had to sign some promissory notes as collateral... inorderto getsome more money. I am upset and very surprised, ma'am. Where was it? Where did you leave it? It was on the table in the bathroom. My husband was sleeping, I left for 15 minutes and when I returned the ring was gone. Our staff is trustworthy. And as you know, ma'am we ask our customers to leave their jewelry in the hotel safes. But my husband was asleep, and I went out for a moment. Look...it was here! It's as if it had been stolen from my hand! Actually, I did not think that in a hotel such as this... Spending so much money on it only to have it stolen. In our rooms, not a single thing went missing...ever. I repeat that I am very surprised. We're sorry. Excuse me. You want some advice? Give me the key, please. Excuse me. This is for the closure of the monthly accounts. Thank you. Adriano. Hey. Something wrong? I'm not a miser, but the prices in this hotel are a bit exaggerated. Let's go away from here. We were throwing money away for two months... Now we stop! We need to start saving. Save, yeah... We are not alone anymore. Someone is coming. Is it your father? I am expecting a baby. Have you heard? A baby. Are you happy? I received the test results today. I didn't want to say anything before, because I wanted to be sure. Now we must return to Rome, to our house. Dad will be so happy. The telephone. -Hello. -We haven't seen you for a few days. Yes, I had some things to take care of. You have some things to do with us as well. Of course. I know. Right. Try to take care of our business first. It would be better. I'll come immediately. Yes, thank you. Who was it? The police. He says the documents are ready. I'll get them now. What luck! A baby and documents on the same day. Howcouldthishappen? What am I to do? How to do it? It's simple. It was enough to eliminate this damned Adriano Meis. After all, who had lost in the gambling house... Whosoldthering, who got Adriana pregnant? Who had signed the notes? Always him! Adriano Meis a name and nothing else. A name that was born from a funeral parlor. Ifitwasborn... it could also die. My sweet Adriana... I do not know if you can forgive me but I can't do anything else but disappear forever. I know that leaving you alone with a child in the womb is vile. Buta boywithoutafather, in some cases is better than a kid with an unworthy father. Iamnotthe man you've met... I am an abomination hidden behind a false name with dishonestly earned money that was lost in an even worse way. WhenI leftyoualone,Ididn'tgo out on business or to see about the documents. I was going to a gambling house where I lost all the money. Even the money I got from selling your ring. Itwillbe hardatfirst... but in the end you'll understand that this extreme act... isforyourown good... andforthegoodofourchild... In case you want him to be born. Goodbyeforever. Adriano. Miragno! Miragno station. Dad! A man is looking out the window. -What? -There is a man who is staring. Who is it? -Mattia. -Mattia who? Mattia Pascal. What? I'm sorry... Doesn't Ms. Pascal live here? Pescatore? No, not anymore. Now they live at Via Larga 37. -Excuse me. Thank you. -Don't mention it. -Who is it? -Mattia. -Who? -Mattia Pascal. Hey, you! -Who is it, mother? -Go and see. See who it is. -Don't get so agitated. -Open the door! Relax, mom. Allow me. You? Yes, yes, yes. It's me, Mattia. Don't be afraid. Look at me. Touch me. You? Where did you come from? You fool! From another world. What are you doing here? Silence! You really take me for a ghost? I'm back, yes, but not from another world. I was always here, in this damn world. -Where's Romilda? -For the love of God... The little girl. What little girl? Romilda and I... We got married. You...? He got married! Here is the happy couple. -The baby. -The baby. -The baby. -The baby. -Give it to me. -Take it. Bring it to me. -Help me. -Give it to the uncle. -Help me. -Romilda. You have protruding ears like your father. I'm sorry... The baby.... Are you afraid I'll eat her? She fell asleep. Leave her alone. Go call Romilda. - Romilda? And for what? -Because we must talk. But Romilda fainted. -Don't play the fool, call her! -Don't you want to talk to me? -You're not important. -But how? I... Look, in the current state of things, your marriage is void. Yours! What have you been doing this whole time? What? ! I died. But I realized that I don't like that profession... And now I'm back to be alive! Move! Yes, now you weep! Oh, don't cry. Take it. What is it? You cry because I'm alive? You'd prefer me dead? Tell me! Look at me. Look at me. Alive or dead? But... What have you done? -How could you? -What about you, then? In one year - a widow, a wife and a mother. You told me Pomino is stupid, that he has protruding ears. -You found comfort fast. - It's your fault! You pretended to be dead and fled with your brother's money. Bum! Leaving us all alone and without money! Scoundrel! And now that your vacation is over, you return! Now that we're settled, you want to disrupt everything. This time I'll throw you in that lake! Delinquent! Shut up, you damn witch! You! You have been the first to recognize the body of that poor man who drowned. Because you wanted to see me dead! Put your hands down! Everyone recognized you. All the townsfolk, not just me. He's in there. Here comes the big shot! It's the truth, Mr. Mattia, Everyone recognized you. Relatives, friends, family, and even me. Right. Because all of you wanted to see me dead. Same height, same suit, his face swollen. And you went missing all that time, without a trace... And above all, you had many reasons to commit such an act. Very good. Those are the first wise words I heard. Yeah, I also thought about killing myself... Right where you found that man. I could not live in this place with these people. Without a home, unemployed, my mother dead... With a wife who hates me. Why did you come back? To find myself. I have found that you can't live outside the law because of those peculiarities, that make us who we are. And what do I find? My wife married to another, a daughter that's not mine... A house that doesn't belong to me. Everything changed, everything's upside down except my mother-in-law. Can we calmly think this through? Romilda, why don't you make us some coffee? And now? Now? What do I know? If you ask me, you can keep everything. Wife, daughter,... especially the mother-in-law. I'm alive. When the law finds out they might obligate me to keep everything. Or send you to prison. Me? Firstly, for the cover-up and the abandonment of the conjugal roof. And then for bankrupcy fraud. Bankrupcy? Look, your brother Berto had a mess to fix. He asked for my help, me being an old friend and manager of the family. And I, taking advantage of your death transferred every irregularity onto your name. My brother did this? But I'm alive and I'll make a scandal that will never end. It will take years to demonstrate your reasons. The fact that you made people believe you're dead doesn't work in your favor. Not to mention you discredited and ruined your brother. Excuse me, then... What should I do? Continue to play dead? No, no. No way! I'm alive and I want to be alive. -You'll only cause problems. -For everyone. Think of the complications. If my marriage is annulled. My daughter would become yours... No, no. I have one son and and it appears his father is someone else. The expenses, transactions, disadvantages... -Gossip... -And jail. All this for what? -Because the young gentleman took a vacation! -You shut up! Are you crazy? What should I do? Where should I go? Nowhere. Let's leave everything the way it is without making a ruckus. You take your place in the library... Your friend Pomino will give you a hand. We are all looking to settle this in best manner possible and no one will complain. But people in this town know me. -My return will raise some eyebrows. -You think so? Here everyone concerns themselves with their own business... They won't meddle in yours. Believe me. Here's the coffee. Little sugar as usual. As usual. It's good... Okay, but... I want to come here for coffee whenever I please. The usual. Ernesto. -Good day. -Good day. Onceagain,damnMalagna was right. My companions accepted my return with total indifference. -Good morning. -Hello. They found it quite normal that my wife married another man during my absence. Regardingme,theyonly wanted to know what I did in all this time. I'dreply:"I playeddead" AndI stayeddead according to the civilian registry. PominoandMalagna's intervention found a way to include in the budget a salary for an assistant librarian whose name they didn't include. But... You are Mattia Pascal. The late Mattia Pascal. The late. But how is that possible? Come, come. Tell me everything. Enter! Welcome to Miragno, Mr. Mattia. Nice to see you again, Oliva. And who is he? Salvatore. Nice. He looks intelligent. Like his father. Can I come see him from time to time? Whenever Malagna isn't home. My extravagant adventure earned everyone's respect. Iwentto livewithmy aunt Scholastica. And the fact that from time to time I pay tribute to my grave was considered by everyone as just a fool's superstition. STRUCK BY ADVERSE EVENTS. Mattia Pascal. GENEROUS HEART - OPEN SOUL HERE RESTS IN PEACE. THE DEVOTION OF HIS FELLOW CITIZENS PUT UP THIS GRAVESTONE. It is the best solution. Everyone accepted you without much questioning. And in the end they all love you very much. The Malagna and... I forgot the cat. Malagna and Pomino... They don't get mad if their wives give some small attention to you. Dear Pellegrinotto... "I reap what I sow" as D'Annunzio said. In the end, it all ended well. What do we know what might have happened? Nothing. What happened? Nothing. Everything is as before. And I'm here as always. Yes, but after having lived the life of another with all his hopes, joys and sorrows. You think that's nothing? Yes, yes. All is good, like you said. But one day... In the distant future, I hope... When I take my place under that gravestone the problem will return. That poor man will be dug out. And no one will ever ask who he really was. THE END Subtitles by Ant123 for KG June 2016 "The Two Lives of Mattia Pascal" PART TWO If I had a story like yours to tell... I would do it immediately. What do you want me to write about? After all, I'm not a writer. What does it matter? Write it down in a same marvelous way you told that story to me... and then, if necessary, we'll retouch it a little. And who would be interested in my story? That's what you think! It sounds like a tale by Boccaccio, Bandello... with intrigues involving women, children, other people's children money lost, found, and lost again... Presumed dead, dead bodies resurrected... You see? Write it also to leave a testimony! If it does not work out, throw it away. But... what if you do it right? I would not even know where to start. If you ask me the death of your poor father... That was when all your problems started. Yes,because the death of my father... assuredthattheland, as well as Oliva, thebeautifuldaughterofa peasant get taken away... by that criminal - our administrator Malagna. Whohadtaken all of our heritage. And after that failure, you recovered with Romilda... Malagna's niece. Ilikedher. We began a relationship and she got pregnant butinfluenced by her mother shethrewherself into Malagna's arms... He was obsessed, having no children with his wife. Romilda left after using me as a potent stallion. Andso,as revenge, you came back to Oliva,... Malagna'swife. The worst mistake I made. Because after Oliva got pregnant with me Malagna, after finally getting the son he craved stayedwithhiswife forcingmeto marry his niece Romilda butourrelationship was already tense. Nottomentionwhat my mother suffered inthatcoexistence. After she died... You escaped with the money your brother Berto had sent for your mother's funeral. Atfirst,I attempted to commit suicide. Iswear. But then a train passed ... andthat'showthe temptation to go far away came to me. To find a new identity. Anewidentity in Monte Carlo. Insearchof fortune. -Tickets,please. - Documents. Documents. Ah, yes. Where are we? Ventimiglia, sir. Ticket,please. I had no time. I need to buy it. I have to charge you from Pisa onwards. Where are you going? Thank you. What's the first stop? MonteCarlo. Very good. Monte Carlo it is. - Sir, don't you have any luggage? - No. .. I left everything in the deposit box at the station. If you'd give me the receipt, I could go and get it. No, no. I'll get it. Thank you. Do you know that you're very lucky? Fate brought you here and orders you to enter and play on number eleven. I appreciate that, but... I never played. - Why eleven? - Didn't you notice? -No... How fortunate! You never played in a casino? No, I never thought about it. Come, then! Come on. Eleven is the number of the truck that miraculously didn't hit you. You mustn't miss this opportunity for any reason. Come! You're Italian, right? - Give me your ID. - Sure. And who are you? One who knows and sees everything? My name is Veronique. Let's say I work for the casino. Mattia Pascal. Nice name. Your name and surname combine very well. - Thank you. - Come on, please. The gentleman is with me. Here everyone understands Italian. Now you need to change your money. Yes, of course. I don't have very much... It's all right. Thank you. - For you. - Thank you. - Well, what now? - Now, good luck, Mr. Pascal. This is for me. Yes, but... Your bets, ladies and gentlemen, if you please. Pardon me. Can I? Can I make a bet? Betting is closed. Bets are closed, gentlemen. Eleven. - Eleven is mine. - Eleven wins. It's mine. Make game. The game continues. - Number eleven. - Yes, it's mine. Here, sir. - No, no. That's a mistake. - What are you saying? - The win is mine! - No, you're wrong. But... You are wrong! Sorry... Ma'am, you've seen... Listen... Have you seen that... Excuse me, may i have the pen? - Here. - Thank you. M. P. M. P. Thank you. You're welcome. On 11. Yes. Eleven! It's mine! Cognac. Hello, miss? I want to call a number in Italy, please. Miragno. The prefix is 0187. The number is... 3-2-733, thanks. Excuse me, miss? The number I asked, forget about it, never mind. I want to tell you I'm not leaving tomorrow morning. I'll have the room for a few more days. Thank you. - Wait! - Yes? Put it inside the other one, it's better that way. Very well. - Here's the change. - Thank you. - Goodbye. - Goodbye. The jacket fits me. - Yes? - The tuxedo shirt. - I'll buy this. - Very good. And now I want a sports shirt with little red buttons. Yes, sir. Here it is with the buttons. Oh, Veronique! - Did it go well? - Yes, I was looking for you. I wanted to thank you. - Thank you. - Who would have said... that your "eleven" joke would work? It's obvious you're new around here. Those jokes are taken very seriously around here. Right? Respect the eleven. Relax, I won't let go of it anymore. It's not necessary. Now you're on a winning streak so you can play any number you want. But occasionally remember the eleven. Don'te be repelled by it. One, black, odd and less. 6, black, even and less. 70,000 francs for you, thank you. Excuse me, his Highness doesn't like you playing at his table. One black. Here's 35,000. You haven't lost anything. Thank you. By that time I had seized a fortune... or better yet the fortune had seized me... and we wouldn't lose each other again. This situation lasted a long time... and it gave me the feeling of having become another man - a winner. I often heard that at the gaming table a man often reveals his true nature. And you thought you have found yours. Right. Illusions, my dear friend. Illusions. Illusions. Fortunate and also a little ruthless. - Hello. - Hello. Listen, I want to change hotels. - What do you recommend? - Why? Well, that boarding house is a bit poor... Now I can give myself the luxury of something better. Don't do it. Why? I don't understand. Because you're in form... and you mustn't change anything about yourself. Otherwise it might change your fortune. You also believe in these things? Here we all believe. Look over there, for example He never washed. During his entire stay in Monte Carlo, he hasn't washed. Ah, so... I had felt something. Look at that lady. Elegant, right? You see her dress, all worn-out? She never changes. She's been here a month, and never changes. It's funny. Thus, everyone has their system. There are some who only play with the left hand... who always play the same number, those who never cut their hair. - Those who don't want any advice. - But... If you know all these things, why have I never seen you play? I have tried, in my spare time, but I am... -... a natural loser. - No, you're not. So I make money playing a different kind of game... And not just me. Look at that one. Yes, I know how he wins without playing. Each has its own methods. Like the lady who bet right after you. Ah, yes. Like the one who is standing in front of the blond fellow. - He also has a secret. - What secret? - Earn from the losers. - How is that? If I told you it would no longer be a secret. Very good. I will follow your advice. I will stay in the Belvedere pension. Agreed. Goodbye. May I? I've been watching you every day... but I can not understand your system. You have a system. Don't tell me otherwise. I'm telling you I don't have one. You have your secret in the suitcase Diagrams, notes, statistical calculations. Look, there must be a mistake. Allow me to introduce myself. Aristide Melainassis, Greek shipping magnate. - Nice to meet you. - See... That shack by the port is my home... My office... my hobby. We could join our forces into a society. No, no. What forces? I limit myself to play and win. I don't know how, but I win. Look, I'm surprised, too. It's just a matter of luck. It's the same thing. I imagine you lack the means. And I can offer the means. Money, or I can you offer my entire organization... telephones, telex, emissaries, everything... If you let me play at the same time at the tables of the biggest casinos in the world. Why be limited to a single casino table? Taking advantage of time zone differences... The foreign exchange market, closing of stock exchange... A swindler or a hothead. Almost all casinos are populated by that sort of people. With the vague promise of evaluating his proposal... and that we'll see each other soon... I got rid of the Greek shipping magnate. It went well tonight as well, Mr. Pascal? Yes, thank you. Sorry, is this where you can change your money? - Yes, sir. - Excuse me. - Good night. - See you later. - Tell me. - I want to change Italian money. - Okay. - Thank you. - Thank you. - You're welcome. - Really... - Really, what? - Eleven is mine. - Eleven is mine! - But... Dealer... Now there's nothing left to teach you. There is, however. For example, not to believe your promises. I'm still at that hotel waiting for you. - You know why? - Why? Because I wouldn't come for personal interests, but for love. You know how they say: Who's lucky in love... And if I pay you? In that case yes. Yes, I'm coming. Good morning. Thank you. Breakfast, Mattia. Pour me a cup of tea while I dress. You want sugar? No sugar. Thank you. Now I have to leave. I have to change and be at the pier at 10:00 o'clock. - Goodbye. - Goodbye. Wait! - What is it? - I have to pay you. Otherwise, he who's lucky in love... Here they are. You really believe luck can abandon you like that? Be careful, Mattia. I came for love. Goodbye. Take my advice. Stop playing. As always, Veronique was right. Fromthatmomenton, luck turned its back on me... It left like it arrived. Suddenly and without explanation. At first, I tried varying numbers changing times of play, changing games. Eight. The bank wins again. 400,000 for the bank. 400,000 for the bank. Fourteen. Do you have to be standing right there? Why? Does it bother you? - Yes, maybe. - Ah, I understand. Well? You want me to go? I would be very grateful. Well? - You said you'd be grateful. - Yes! Then show me your gratitude. Eleven. I had the good sense to follow Veronique's advice... and leave Monte Carlo. I wanted to make a sensational re-entrance. and suddenly appear in my town, handsome, rich and rejuvenated. With over 400 million I won in Monte Carlo... I'd humiliate the Pescatore widow... Win Romilda over and crush Malagna. And then go away, to a large city. Genoa,Milan,Rome, to start over with my wife... Yes, with her! Why not? Poor girl. To start a new and free life without anxiety or concerns. Why? Why, Mattia? Why? Why? Iwasdead. It was my funeral. My wife cried, my mother-in-law was there. Myfriends,AuntScholastica, the maid, everyone. But how could I be dead? I did not know what had happened, but my instinct told me to hide. And that's why... the absurdity of a funeral for a man who is alive... was something that drew me irresistibly into this madness. Seeing my mother-in-law, my wife and Malagna revived in me a series of bitter memories. What do I have in common with these people? For the first time... I fondly looked back thinking of my mother. I waited for the night to understand... to decide. Hello? Pascal residence? No,thisis notthe Pascalresidence, it's the Pescatore residence. I would like to speak with Mr. Pascal. Mattia Pascal. Mattia Pascal died a month ago. - A month? - Yes, but the body... has been found two days ago. He committed suicide. Suicide? It's not possible. It's the least he could do. Butwhois this? What do you want? Hello? That's when I thought of calling you. Yes, because you'd seen me at the funeral. I still don't know how you couldn't recognize my voice. Who could have thought? You were dead... It didn't cross my mind that it could be you. I said I was a friend, and you immediately told me... that you were the first one to see the dead body... half-naked, bloated, mangled, unrecognizable and yet everybody said it was me. No, it wasn't a phenomenon of collective suggestion. There was your red scarf found in the shrubs. And besides, everyone knew what problems you had. The bankrupcy, death of your poor mother... your marriage was in a bad shape. Oliva is good and sweet, but when she married that southerner she acquired certain habits, which I must mention to her. This pesto has too much garlic! There needs to be less of it. Much less... Otherwise you need bicarbonate to digest it. Do you understand? I realized that... I could build a new life, do it my way. Free of any burden. Without the weight of the past. Away from Mattia Pascal whom I also didn't like. I could build a new man... Rich, who could live where ever he liked. With a new name. Do you understand? Why not? Why not? First, I thought of going to Rome. A city that welcomes so many strangers and outsiders like me with total indifference. Mattia and Romilda forever. Farewell to you too! So long, Mattia Pascal. I bid you farewell. I was looking for a name I liked, that fitted me. Adriano Vinciguerra... Adriano. How are you doing? I'm Adriano. The Emperor Hadrian (Adriano)! Yes, yes, my name is Adriano. Pleasure. May I? Adriano. Hi, I'm Adriano. By God! What have you done? Are you blind? I got distracted lighting up a cigarette, damn it! - Damn! Look what you've done! - Excuse me, it's all my fault. By God! Listen... Give me your insurance and tell me your name. Yes, please. Adriano Vinci. - What? - Vinci. Ernesto Piromalli. But what are we doing? Introducing ourselves, celebrating? Bring your documents, I'll give you mine. By God almighty! Hey! You! The buildings, all those people and the confusion assured me that in that great city I could erase the memory of my previous life and invent a new one. Sorry! Excuse me, ma'am! Ma'am! What did you say? Excuse me, is this the right way to town centre? If you give me a ride, I'll point you in the right direction. Sure, get in! Well? Straight ahead and then turn right. What's your name? After this traffic light turn right. Dudu. My name is Adriano Guerra. You like that name? Listen... Where can I find a hostel to grab a bite and spend the night? A hostel? "Apocalypse" is okay, but it's not for you. Otherwise, "Paradise"... traditional place, with good music... and it's open all night. And then there's "The Top". Wait! Stop here. Stop! Stop! - Wait a minute. - Let me out. Go straight to the town square and you'll find "Paradise". Goodbye. Hey, Dudu! Ciao, Dudu. - Good evening, sir. - Evening. Is that table to your liking? - Thank you, but I prefer the bar. - Please. - Good evening. Give me vodka. At what time do you close? It could be tomorrow. It depends on the clientele. Leave the bottle. - You thought it over? - No, no. Are you waiting for someone? Yes, Prince Charming. Would you like something? Let's drink something or this guy won't leave. - Yes, I brought the bottle... - For me a whiskey. - I'm Clara. - Nice to meet you. - Are you from out of town? - Yes, yes. - I'm from Argentina. - Your Italian is very good, though. Well, my parents were Italian. I was conceived on a boat and born in Buenos Aires. I had no time to understand that I was born and my father was gone. Some said they fled with another woman. Others, however, say he's 'desaparecido'... Taken by the political police. But aren't these 'desaparecidos' related to modern times? Yes, yes, it's always been like that. It's called differently, but it's always the same thing. My mother was left alone and the poor thing fought tooth and nail. The sacrifices, struggles and in the end got sick and died. Poor woman. I was left alone. I had a grandfather in Italy. Then at the age of 13, all alone I crossed the Andes and the Apennines. Where my grandfather lived. I can't describe to you his joy when he saw me. He was alone. - Him too? - Hmm? Yes, yes. He was poor, and yet he financed my studies. He'd get angry because I'd always disappear. I was mischievous. Later he became ill. The poor man didn't even buy his medication because of my studies. And little by little... he faded away like a candle. Here it's the other way around. Usually, we are the ones who tell sad stories. But you screwed us! That's not a life, dear, it's a tragedy! - Yes. - And what do you have in there? Wipes to dry the tears? No, contracts... I have come here on business. - Who told you about this place? - The cab driver. Where are you staying? No, I'm only passing through. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. You want to stay here all night? Oh, no! What are you doing? Nothing, I can't sleep. Are you worried? Something wrong? I have no documents. How's that? How did it happen? They were in the car that got stolen yesterday. Listen, who are you kidding? You must be in trouble! Certain things smell from afar. I'm never wrong: Argentina, 'desaparecido'... And then this suitcase. You don't let go of it for a moment. What's inside? - Money. - Dirty money. - You're looking to launder them. - No, I'm just looking for documents. - False. - True or false, whatever. I just need to prove that I am who I am. I can help you, if you want. I'll talk to a lawyer... and he'll provide them in a few days. Of course, it'll cost some money. Yes, okay, but what should I do in the meantime? Where will I sleep tonight? Tonight you can go to "Paradise"... and then... we'll see. What's your name? Adriano. Adriano what? - Meis. - Meis? Adriano Meis. Like the one downstairs who works in a morgue. - Thank you. - Have a good day. Good day. I want to open an account to make a deposit. - Yes, cash or checks? - Cash. 400 million. Yes, walking with all that money in these times... Precisely. - Well, what's your name? - Adriano Meis. Do you have a document? Will the driver's license do? Yes, yes. Certainly. Sorry, I left it in the car. I'll be right back. That was very foolish. They were dead man's documents. But why did you destroy all your documents? Why did you have to make new ones? A foolish thing, totally senseless. You were thousands of miles away from your town. Who would have suspected that here you were considered to be dead? It was... nonsense. I was happy, elated, I was young... I wanted to be the architect of my destiny. Nonsense! Stop saying it's foolish. I know. But have you never done or thought something foolish? - Yes, once. - What was it? I went looking for a girl. - And you haven't found her. - No. - Write. - I'm writing. The final remains of my old self... were ingloriously headed to cemetery. I followed it for a while... asa lastgoodbye... thelastmemoryof Mattia Pascal. It was the first penalty I paid... forhavingdestroyed the documents. Hi! Well? Here it is. - The documents? - Not so much. It's only a complaint made at the police station that you... Adriano Meis, born in Argentina, etc.. etc... lost your documents. Look, all legal, the seal and signature. - Got it. - As far as real documents... it's more difficult, It takes a few days. Listen, but with this I can do everything? You wish! If someone stops you, you show it to them. Right. And what about a place to sleep? One moment. This is worth a million. A million? I told you, dear... Here are many people who take risks and want money. - Okay, okay. - About sleeping... Stay with me tonight. And tomorrow... write down the address of a house. Paleari. - Paleari... - Paleari. Via Panisperna 81. An acquaintance of mine lives there. It's a nice, discrete place. Near the Via Cavour. Ask for Terenzio. Arrange everything with him. They want ask for documents. You talk to him in my name... And if it's not sufficient, show him this. By the way... - Who is it? - Mr.Terenzio, please. - Who? - Terenzio. I'm opening the door. You forgot your keys? Sorry, I thought it was Terenzio, my son. No, I'm sorry. In fact, I asked for Mr. Terenzio. You can't here anything on this damned thing. Come in. Adriana! Come here, please. A man is looking for Terenzio. - Good morning. - Good morning. My brother is not in Rome. He works in Naples. I don't know when he'll return. Damn! It's very urgent. I need a room. Do you have any? We rent out only two rooms. - One of them is free now. - Could I maybe... You want to see it? - You want to see the room? - Yes, if it's no trouble. Please. - Oh, sorry. - Please. Thank you. Here it is. This is the room. - You want to take a look? . - May I? - I have to take this. - Go on. For me it's great. What about the price? I'm here. Anselmo Paleari. 200,000, with the use of television the bathroom and the phone... excluding long distance. It's a fair price, because... As my daughter Adriana said... We have only one more guest. A distinguished professor of diction. Please. No, thanks. We are like a family. I live here with my daughter Adriana,... Papiano, my son-in-law, who is staying with us after the death of my oldest daughter... and the illustrious guest whom I've already mentioned. Yes, yes. The price is very good. I wanted to make a proposition. I offer 250,000 lire advance payment if you'll let me stay here from tonight onwards. My son-in-law is in charge of the management. We should wait for him to return. Why? The house is yours and you can do whatever you want. Yes, of course, but I prefer to wait for Terenzio. It's only a few days. It is a matter of principle. There is only one principle. The house is yours! May I, ma'am? If you do not mind, I would suggest a compromise. I will do my best to please Mr. Papiano. And if I don't succeed, I'll leave the room. What do you think? I already told you! The house is yours, and you can do whatever you want. Excuse me. Hey, are you by any chance interested... in paranormal phenomena, spiritualistic experiments... contacts with the other world? - Yes. On second thought, a lot. - Me too. Very much. I have only two passions: checkers and spiritualism. The teacher who lives with us has extraordinary psychic talents. - Seriously? - Good morning, Miss Caporale. There's the lady. Come on. Go on. Miss Caporale, my greetings - Good morning. - Good morning. We have a new guest. Mister... Adriano Meis. By the way, here is the police certificate saying they'll send me the documents. - Stolen? - Yes, at the station. The first time I put my wallet here... and it was immediately stolen! Rome has become hell like all of Italy. And it did not end there, because I went to pursue the thief... I left the bag and it also disappeared. How terrible! Yes, I don't even have an extra pair of socks. No one is exempt. Sooner or later, it's everybody's turn. - Good day. - Good day. - Thank you. - You're welcome. Come in. I thought you might need an ashtray. Thank you. Telephone, Mr. Meis. Some woman. Excuse me. Yes, tell me. Is everything ready? It can be done. Ten big ones in advance and fifteen big ones after the delivery. Ten what? It's an incredible deal. At current prices, what you need costs between 80 and 100. Oh, my! They're not playing. Yes, but documents are authentic. Take it or leave it. Listen, this Saturday you must come to Passeggiata Arceologica at 5AM. You will see a group of people I will be in that group. You can't go wrong, because it is a pilgrimage, and we'll meet there. - You go on a pilgrimage? - Yes, I do it twice a year. And the person who is dealing with your problem will be there. Bring four photos for your ID card and 10,000 in advance. Otherwise it's useless to come. Get it? Miss. - Can I help you? - No, thanks. I can manage alone. Oh, come on! Please take this, and give me your stuff. - Thank you. - Please. You seem to be in good spirit. Everything okay? Yes. I went to the Embassy. I have good news. I have to bring the photos and... by the end of the month, I'll get my documents so I'll be able to leave. I don't know why, I thought you'd stay in Rome for a while. What is a man to do in this country? One must leave Italy. Think of how much there is to see, new people to meet. One cannot spend all his life at home! One has to move! I want to take a trip before returning to South America. Look at this... Mauritius. I have a friend who was in the Seychelles... and he told me it's a paradise. Look at India, for example. I've never been out of Italy. - Not even in San Marino. - But it is very simple. When I'll be leaving, prepare your suitcase and come with me. I am alone, you're alone... I'm Adriano, you're Adriana... It doesn't seem like a good enough reason. It feels like we're on a plane. Are you afraid? No. Oh, my God. I'm sorry! Are you hurt? - Sorry. - No. I'm such a fool! So give me a kiss, as it's done with children. You think you're a kid? No. Actually, I'm a little old. I'm sorry. No, I... It's not what I meant. Excuse me. END OF PART TWO Subtitles by Ant123 for KG June 2016 "The Two Lives of Mattia Pascal" PART I Did you bring it? Yes, but I had to wait until my aunt left the house... Otherwise, imagine the scene. Now you'll witness a slaughter! There isn't a single one left in my aunt's house. It's amazing! Alright... Look! The way he moves, it means he smelled them. Who's moving? He looks dead. First he must adapt to the surroundings. - Then he feels the scent and then... - What can he feel? He's not doing anything, can't you see? Be patient, Pellegrinoto. They're cats, not Christians. - May I come in? - Come, Maria, come... Mrs. Romilda excuses herself... Fresh cookies out of the oven. They are still very hot. Not enough sugar and too much yeast. But I'm talking to the wall! To whom must I speak? This is the second time... Tell Romilda not to worry about the cookies especially if she can't calculate the measures. She needs to put olive oil which makes them softer and crisp at the same time. - I'll tell her. - Tell her, tell her. Go on, take it... He does not like it either. If he won't eat that biscuit, what'll he do with mice? - How old is he? - The same as you. If you don't want him let's set the traps. I can't look at the mice in the traps, you know that. It disgusts me. Only women are afraid of mice. I said they disgust me, They don't frighten me. It's the same thing. - Where did you put them? - What? - Mousetraps. -I don't remember. - They're not here. - And where are they? Behind the partition of the 1930s section. So you really want to put all those traps? I need to do something. Here, time stands still and no one comes. A lot of ignorants in this town. Then, why won't you listen to me? Why won't you take my advice? Why won't you write? If I had a story like yours to tell... I would do it immediately. What do you want me to write about? After all, I am not a writer. What does it matter? Just write it down in same marvelous way you told that story to me and then, if necessary, we'll retouch it a little. And who would be interested in my story? That's what you think! It sounds like a tale by Boccaccio, Bandello with intrigues involving women, children, fights with children money that's lost, found, and lost again... Presumed dead, dead bodies resurrected... You see? Write it also to leave a testimony! If it does not work out, throw it away. But... what if you do it right? I would not even know where to start. If you ask me the death of your poor father waswhen all your problems started. Yes, exactly then. I remember the funeral on that morning. A north-westerly wind was blowing...! "A north-westerly wind..." That's a beautiful beginning. No,no! Shallwe start a novel with a funeral? Why not? ... Wasn't that done before? Ifyouwantmeto,I can quote you at least 100 classic novels... Idon'tcare. I don't like it. Then skip it. Start when you were going back home... That'sbetter. Therefore,wewere all freezing. Mymotherwaswalkingalongwith Aunt Scolastica who had completely taken care of the situation because my poor mother had dedicated her whole life to my father and my brother Berto and me and since she was left alone, she felt lost in the world. -Andyou? Wherewere you? - Ah, yes... I was there, of course. My brother Berto was traveling with his wife on the day of the tragedy and could not return in time for the funeral. Closestfriends accompanied us home... Giambattista Malagna with his wife Cesarina... No,whatam Isaying? Cesarina had been dead for over a year when my father had the heart attack. Itwasonlyhim -Malagna, the administrator of our house. And the Pominos: father and son, of course. No, thank you. Miss Scolastica, Mr. Malagna... She does not want anything today. She hasn't eaten since yesterday. Never mind. It's all good, Thank you. You can go. My dear friends... the pain is great but even bigger is my concern. I feel the duty to warn you, now and in the presence of witnesses that we are facing difficult times. Inheritance taxes are what they are and they can not be avoided. Between the groves, greenhouses, Monticchio property this house and Zoagli's house they will be very high. Moreover, our dearly departed always insisted to defend his olive groves even when I have begged him to leave them and transform them into greenhouses with mimosas and Brazilian orchids. Even the peasants do that now. Olive groves are part of our landscape... The Mediterranean. They're on our picture postcards... They also reduce the effect of heat, cold, thunderstorms. I don't deny that, but 20 years ago a liter of olive oil... was as valuable as a kilo of Parmesan... and now costs only a third of that. The olive trees are not profitable. It takes 50 years to produce. It requires a lot of faith in the future and many years to give some profit. And laborers that cost 60 thousand lire per day. Is there a window that closes properly in this house? And God forbid... that, at this time, we don't mention... the irregularities concerning the administration of the dearly departed. I've always been close to him... and this has been the reason of continuing arguments between the two of us. In my opinion, everything should be made in accordance with the law. Income statement, tax payment, etc.. But he, unfortunately, never wanted to hear... How's that possible? He was the manager and now he comes to tell us that it's all that poor man's fault, now that he can't defend himself. Don't forget that Malagna is mafia. He came from Tor Annunziata, south of Naples to speculate with the emigrants in the 60's. He took advantage of the poor who came from the South to seek work up north. That's how he made his fortune. When he came here he was just a dirty beggar. Where'd he get the money to clean himself up? Where? We all know he's a thief. Everyone knows it. And you left all the administration papers in his hands! What could I do? He did everything for our father! Only in recent times when your father was weakened after the first stroke. But Dad never wanted me to occupy myself with his work. That's true and he made a terrible mistake. However, if you need someone to take care of your business... tell your mother to marry with Gerolamo Pomino. - What should I do? - Marry Gerolamo Pomino. Twenty years ago he wanted to marry me... I'm sure today he would be willing to ask... Are you crazy, Aunt Scolastica? To tell mom such things in a time like this. - Exactly! - Mom! Mom! Oh, Berto! Is that you? - My Berto. - Hi, Mom. - Hello, Berto. - Hello, Mattia. How are you, Aunt? We've tried everything. Laura will tell you but we couldn't make it. You'll read all about it in the newspapers. Why? Is it the fault of the newspapers? - Let him tell you... - Go ahead, Laura. There was a big strike. We arrived in Genoa just two hours ago. Then we got into the car immediately. We didn't even change. Want something to eat? There's some chicken. No, thanks. I'm still very upset... I can't eat anything. Mama, how did it happen? Who could have imagined it? Poor dad... Poor you! Berto... These two - your mother and your brother left everything to that thief Malagna! Even the key to the safe. Can you hear the hole? He's a mole. Malagna is a mole that will dig a hole under your feet without you realizing it. Remember what I just said. I'm leaving now. Stop! Stop! Where are you going? Mattia, accompany the aunt. -What, now? - Don't move! I don't need anyone. Mom, she's crazy. Anyway, Malagna says there are large irregularities in the business accounts. If he said that, it must be true. Anyway, we have requested a report detailing the whole situation... Then I will intervene and take the reins in my hands. But if I remember correctly there is only a mortgage on the Monticchio property. The greenhouses should be enough to comfortably feed all of you, without any problem. - Hopefully. - As for us, Laura and I are willing to give up the inheritance... Officially in court, naturally. We would be satisfied with the silverware. And if Mom wants to give Laura some of the jewels that Dad gave to her Laura would appreciate such a loving gesture. Take them all! I won't use them again. Mattia will never marry. Isn't that right, Mattia? Very well. It is unfortunate that you can't stay until tomorrow. Mom will be upset. But now isn't the time to wake her up since she just fell asleep. We'll return soon. We'll be finished in about three weeks, understand? I wanted to come running here, but tomorrow morning... I have an important meeting I can not miss. Okay, okay... I work hard, you know? Now it's up to you. Aunt Scolastica is hysterical but she's right about Malagna. Keep your eye on him. Yes, I won't forget about him for a moment. Also, I want to talk with the estate managers. It should be clear that all the accounts must be controlled by me. Yes, bravo. That's very good. - Goodbye, then. - Goodbye. Ciao, Mattia, see you soon. Send our regards to Mom. Those pines mark the limit... - Larches. -Yes, larches... Finally, the limit is... ..between the vineyards and all the greenhouses of flowers. Asparagus. Can't you see? They are asparagus. Of course, asparagus. Anyway... Here are also the carnation plantations. Carnation production has also declined. No profit. They used to perfume the coast, but they require lots of manual work and carry many diseases. They should be placed inside greenhouses too. Less scent, but more money. - Who takes care of them? - Pietro Salvoni. And by Pietro Salvoni I mean his entire family,... Father, brothers, wife, children. They all work for us. - For you. - Yes, of course. If I remember correctly, the last time you were here was 10 years ago. No! I've been here many times! I know Pietro very well, his wife... - The kids... - Kids? Good morning. Good morning. - Good morning. - Good morning. - Good morning, Pietro. - I felt it would happen. He told me he didn't feel well last Saturday. I even told my daughter, "Mr. Pascal doesn't look very well." - The heart does not forgive. - Thank you. - Good morning. - Isn't that right, Oliva? You remember what I told you? My daughter. We know each other... She's grown! Fortunate thing in this tragedy is that... Mattia looks like a different man. He, who never rose before noon got on his feet this morning at 9:00. Tramontana must have badly damaged the olive grove. And he's always there. He doesn't think of anything else except collecting the olives. Just one olive, you fool! Just a single olive! Pietro Salvoni's daughter! Her name is Oliva and she's 22... Mattia is following her like a dog. - What are you talking about? - I talk and I know! Everyone in town knows. - Really? - Yes! Oliva was a gorgeous girl... instinctivelyintelligent... withfiercehonesty... andawarethatshe 'dbehurt if she surrendered herself. Thisconscience... took away all the banal shyness and false modesty... which made her free and daring. - Need a hand? - Of course! - And what will you give me? - "24 000 kisses". Come help me with this... Damn it! That's right! Down there! One bag on every second tree, as I'm doing. But why do you persist with this olives when they're not worth it? Because they at least give us oil for the house. And60,000lireadayI givetothe workers? Who gives them to me? ! It's not nice to court a daughter of an employee. People talk and the poor girl gets a bad reputation. What are you saying, mom? What bad reputation? What world do you live in? I am the only one who can be affected. My God, maybe it's a bit short. It should end down here. Make me a red one... - Like this, like the belt. - Red? With mourning clothes? No matter the mourning! I don't wear them anymore. Only you, Mom! No! Will you stay calm? You know that I'm the boss? If I want to I can kick you out and your whole family! Yeah, right. We depend on Mr. Malagna. It is he who pays. If I want, I can kick him out as well. - Seriously? - Yes. Okay, then. Look! A frog! Yuck! It looks like Malagna! How much would it cost to install greenhouses with roses, carnations and Brazilian orchids? A lot in these times. Once, I advised your father that with 10 million we could construct grenhouses with thermostat and automatic glass roofs to maintain the temperature at desirable levels. With boilers, humidifiers... and plastic covering. But he preferred to leave the money in the bank! And so today we are where we are. The mortgage on the villa has already been taken and I oppose getting other debts. And as for inheritance taxes selling of Monticchio estate is not enough... I thought about the greenhouses and carnations. But then we have to pay all the contributions we need to pay to Salvoni... Many insurances and settlements. A huge number! So... I proposed to Salvoni the payment of the debt in installments. ...and as adjustment handover of the farmhouse where you live and a piece of the surrounding land. And... You think they'll accept? I think so. The Salvoni are good people. Attached to this land, honest and hard working. - He and his sons. - Yes, good, honest. Especially this girl, what's her name? Oliva! Smart, strong and very industrious. I'm glad to hear you think so because soon she'll be my wife. What? Yes, we will be married on the first Friday of next month. Wait! Wait! How? You told me he disgusts you like a toad... And now you'll marry him? Say it's not true! But it is true! Why? It is not possible! Why didn't you tell me before? What do you care? You never said you wanted to marry me. Because... I don't know... I thought there was a huge age difference betwen us. - But he is old like me! - And you said he's the one who arranged everything for my family... -...the house, greenhouse, the land. - All at my expense! He's the one who arranged it and we're all happy. I don't think you'd be able to do it. And you're not ashamed to sell yourself to a thief? - Now let me go! They're expecting me. - No, you don't move until I say so! Stop! Damn! OnNovember4thofthat year they were married. Asforme , hoping to provoke Oliva... ...to have feelings of regret or jealousy... ...together with my friend Pomino... ...andtwoprostitutes brought from Spezia... I sat in the "Vittoria" bar situated in front of the church. - Look at that couple. - She's a bitch! -Congratulations,newlyweds! Bring some sparkling wine. Hurry! Tell me what are we doing here in this cold? A toast! I would prefer a hot punch. Screw the punch! Sparkling wine! Congratulations. Greetings to the newlyweds! Damn it! How much I like her! - She's a bitch! - No, she's amazing! I said she's a pig! No! I don't mean Oliva. What do I care? I'm talking about that one, see? The one in the red dress, behind the newlyweds. Nobody knows who she is. She arrived one week with her mother. Must be a relative of Malagna because she settled in one of his houses... What do I care about that one? Come on, now! Laugh! Happy! Happy! Congratulations! Come on! Toast! - Cheers. - Greetings. Thefailureof my adventure with Oliva left a bitter taste in my mouth. So much that I decided to leave for two months to someplace fun. There I met a French girl, a bit tiresome, but very pretty. I followed her to Paris and later in Tunisia. I went back to town only when that bastard Malagna... -...who ruined my life... - Wait! Use less vulgar terms. Sorry. But it's true! Because of him things went the way they did, right? Okay, we'll fix it later...or not. Continue. I returned only when that son of a bitch Malagna, the bane of my life telegraphed me saying he could not send me more money. Meanwhile, the spring had arrived. He came almost every day, Always complaining. Once, he needed money so he could send it to you... Another time, he took the mortgage out on a chicken coop to pay the loan sharks. - But... - Again... What? Chicken coop, too? Olive harvest was bad... Carnations prices fell... In short, I'll tell you that each day brought a new trouble. And then his personal issues. Diabetes obliged him to go on a diet... - The wife, with whom he argues. - The wife? Why? Mama, tell me. They say he abuses her because she hasn't gotten pregnant yet. I say it is necessary to give it time. There's been cases of children born 15 years after marriage. And you want them to wait 15 years? If he doesn't work well now, it'll never work. Mattia! I always said that marriage was disgusting. I'm happy. You've done very well, Mom. Bravo. But everyone knows she's being abused. He even accused her of cheating on him. He married her just so she'd have his children. If not, he'd have let her stay a peasant. Don't you think? He's doing fine. Her too! But there's more... You remember that girl I liked so much? No. I showed her to you on the day of Malagna wedding... She had a red dress and came with her mother who looks like a big bird with mean eyes... So what? The old lady is Malagna's cousin... They're from the same town. They are doing domestic work, they even clean our house. Well, this cousin, several years ago emigrated to Argentina with her husband who then went missing. She says he's "desaparecido". Meaning those who are caught by the police and never heard from again. But this one is missing... because he disappeared with another woman... leaving his wife without a lire. - So she returned here. - Bravo. But Malagna had just married Oliva and could not deal with this situation at first. I mean, supporting two relatives who came out of nowhere... It's difficult, right? However, as time went by he started to spend afternoons at their house bringing many gifts, without anyone knowing. Okay! So he's interested in the mother. What mother! He wants her daughter. That pig... - Malagna? - Yes. First Oliva and now...? - It's not possible! - I swear it's true! Damn! Family, yes, but they arrived with a totally different purpose. IknowbecauseI'veseen them arrive in Miragno. I went shopping to Genoa and we were on the same train. Malagnawasin thestation waiting. Theolderoneafter showing him to the daughter... saidallexcited,... "Thatone! He 'snotold ,you see ? He's a great man, I tell you!" Whentheymetshe hugged Malagna and called him... 'myholysavior'. After that she pointed to Romilda... "This is my dove", she said as an introduction. Malagna turned to call Oliva, who was waiting around... lookingatthefrontpagesofnewspapers, shown at the kiosk. Ipresentto youmyfiance. We're getting married in a week. Theoldladyand her daughtersuddenlychanged the facial expression and attitude. NowI remember,Romilda laughed. She laughed very hard. Butthemotherseemedthunderstruck. It is no exaggeration. Thisisan episodethat I must not forget to include. Anyway, you are the only person... who can find out how things really are. Because the townsfolk have been asking the girl out, but she won't budge. We have tried to speak to her twice, three times, even me... But she does not respond and just leaves. With you, it will be different. You have a relationship with Malagna... and you can use that... to introduce yourself to the girl. And when you've presented yourself... - The first thing you do is introduce her to me. - We'll see... Well, I'm a little better than Malagna, right? You scoundrel! Thanks, you're a true friend. What time does the girl go out? I don't know, no particular time. You should go to her house and maybe she'll tell you. This old one, where should we put it? In the kitchen or bedroom? No, put it in the kitchen. The door! Go open. Put it in the kitchen, so when we eat we can watch TV. It's more comfortable, right? I'm sorry. Is Malagna here? - He's here. - Thank goodness. Malagna! - Malagna, thank God! - What happened? - They say this bill is overdue! - What bill? This! No! Nonsense! It was paid on time. Can't you see the seal? - How is it possible? My mother looked at it first, and then me. What a shock! Trust me! Trust! I apologize for the intrusion, I am really sorry. I didn't want to bother you but understand that... Want to introduce me? My cousin, Mrs. Pescatore. Mr. Mattia Pascal. My niece, Romilda. - Nice to meet you, ma'am. - Likewise. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. Pascal... the one from the villa? Yes, ma'am. Have you always lived in Miragno? I'm from here. After the death of my father I decided to stay here. - Sorry. - Please. Aren't you dying of boredom here? Don't believe him, Romilda. -He's been out of town all winter. - Really? And where? Well, here and there, skiing, then in Africa. Lucky you. If only you knew how much I hate being here! But from here, in an hour's drive... You can reach Lerici, San Remo. All beautiful places. But I don't know anyone. With whom would I go? The next time I go there on business, I'll take you. Yes! Business! I want to go out to have fun. But, who'll take me? I don't want you to go out with with those peasant bums. I'm at disposition whenever you want... Seriously? You'll really take me? Of course, right now if you want. We can stop at the bar and have a snack and be back in time for dinner. If the lady agrees. Have you seen the face my uncle made? Red as a poppy. I cannot stand his visits any more. Every day! Every single day! He is very generous and kind, I don't deny it. Had it not been for him, I don't know what would become of us. The dream of my mother was that he adopt me... because he has a lot of money. But money is not everything in life, Miss Romilda. Listen, don't call me Romilda and don't call me miss. Miss isn't used anymore. And I don't like Romilda. That's an odd name. Is it Argentinian? It's just a stupid name. Well, it's not that bad. Don't exaggerate! Let's stop with that. Let's be on the first name terms. My generation doesn't open up so easily. Especially to a woman. I have a friend, younger than me, making fun of me for it. Perhaps you know him from view, his name is Mino Pomino. His is one of the best families in the village. - He's dying to see... - Stop! The one with protruding ears balding... with an air of... It's him for sure. Yes, he followed me a couple of times on the street. I'm not interested. How can you say that? He's nice. He's fun. I would like to introduce you... We just met and you want to get rid of me? Come on! I say this for you. He's got a car, he can drive you around, take you to cinema, dancing... And you can't? Yes... She is very nice. And sociable. Only when I said you wanted to introduce yourself... - What did she say? - She said she does not like you. - How? - Let me see... She says you have protruding ears. - Well, but... - For me it's just a pretext. Must be a mother and uncle that are telling her what to do, you know? Yes, her uncle, that pig! No, I don't think so. Besides, there is an age difference. - Yes. - She is a young girl. You know what we'll do? I'll invite her to Galeone diner on Saturday evening. She'll go with me. You'll appear, as by chance... around 22:30pm and that's how we'll get her. At 22:00 o'clock I'll be there, okay? Pomino at 22:30! Okay, at 22:30 on the dot! And change your clothes to something more cheerful, more youthful. - I have a new suit, almost new. - Good. Thank you, friend. Thank you very much. - I'll spin around! - Go, go. Very good. - How was it? - Very well done. You are very nice. I told you I can't dance. But now comes a dancer for you. - What do you mean? - My friend, Pomino. - He said he might be passing through. - Let's go. No, but why? Don't be so silly. I did not invite him... - We always get together and... - It's taken me half a day to convince my uncle and my mother to let me go alone with you and now this idiot is coming. He's not an idiot, he's very smart and also a young man. Come on! I don't care about the young. I like men like you. Get it? I've liked you since the first time and I realized that you also like me. Or not? - Yes, of course. - Look at me and kiss me. Let's get away from here. - Are you crazy? - Traitor, liar, thief! Listen to me! Listen! - I saw you in the car! - You're asking me to do the impossible! She doesn't like you. You disgust her. You have protruding ears! I'll give you protruding! - There you go! - Fuck you! Fuck you too! And remember, you and me - WE'RE DONE! Who cares! We're not speaking anymore! Thank goodness! About time! Something simple or improvised will do, Mom. It's a simple meeting. I'll just bring her here and present her. What for? I've been going out with this girl for a while now. She's from a good family... I thought it would be nice if you got to know her. Plus, you know that saying "People talk". A family girl... What a good family it is! Yes, aunt, yes. She's a girl who had no relations before me. And so it seems fair to present her. Is she pregnant? My God! Mattia, is it true? - Then you must marry! - No, Mom. First of all, it's not certain. And these days, a poor girl gets pregnant and she must marry by force. What poor girl? Then yes! - And when do you want to invite her? - I don't know. Anytime, next week. - Friday. - Friday would be great. I can make you some fish cakes. Yes, yes! I like it. Very good. I never thought you'd marry. I was wrong to give all my jewelry to Berto. Don't be hasty, Mom! Look, this Romilda doesn't know that we're not as rich as before. She's Malagna's niece. She must be well informed. At least one ring. There's one left. Don't worry. - Then Friday it is. - Very good. - Thank you. - Very good. - Goodbye. - Bye. Good morning. - I'm sorry... - Romilda left. - Left? - Left. With her uncle. To Genoa. - And when will she be back? - Who knows? She has gone to Genoa for a few days with her uncle to do some things. Afterwards she'll visit some friends of ours in France. And she hasn't said or left anything? - To who? - Me. Ah, yes. She left this for you. Dear Mattia this is to ask you not to look for me anymore andtonevercome over to my house again. Our relationship is over for good. Sorry, Pietro. I need some information. - Ask away. - Do you know where Mr. Malagna... is staying in Genoa? - Why? - I need to talk to him urgently. - At the hotel. - What hotel? I do not know. - What can I do to find him? - Try to call my daughter. Ah! Oliva, right. Thank you. - Where's Oliva? - Inside. Oliva! Oliva! Your husband, where can I find him? I have to talk to him urgently! He went to Genoa, with that pig niece of his... For the act of separation; to demand the annulment. - Annulment? What annulment? - Of our marriage. Because he says it's my fault I'm not pregnant, that bastard! Sorry, but if you can't have children it must be proven first. - Do you have a medical certificate? - I have no money. With money you can buy anything you want, even the annulment. Otherwise, he'd ask for a divorce. To whom can I tell that it's his fault? That he's incapable... And yet that pig of his niece is saying she's been pregnant for months... - And he's tha father? - Who else? Everyone knows that he was always at their house... And her mother is a witness. So what can I do? Wait! Read. Read this... Tell me, how long has that niece been pregnant? Two or three months, he says. It's clear as the sun. Don't come over to my house again. Our relationship is over for good. - What relationship? - Mine with her. It lasted 4 or 5 months. That child is mine, understand? And that pig is trying to make you believe... Give it to me. I'll show it to him. He hit me when I said I doubted he's the father of Romilda's child. And he did very well because you're stupid. You mustn't deny anything, okay? You must make him believe that he is a stallion. And, of course, that he impregnated her. The only way to screw both of them over... is to get pregnant. Understand? Sure. Mr. Mattia. Sir... Mr. Mattia. Mr. Mattia. Who is it? What is it? Mr. Malagna arrived with another woman... and your mother is asking you to come down immediately. - What time is it? - Past eleven. What do they want at this hour? Good morning. What happened? This is dishonorable! I demand compensation. I warn you that I am capable of everything. Tribunals, scandals... Your mother already knows everything. Yes, yes, my son had informed me. Me? When, mother? Do not try to deny it. The entire town knows. You can't deny it. No, I am not denying. Are you satisfied? And how can I fix it? With a duel? With compensation for damages? Or with public repentance? - A marriage. - Marriage? You've disgraced... and ruined a poor orphan and a minor. Ah, it's Romilda you're talking about... Sorry, weren't you supposed to marry her? Only out of pity. Poor little girl... She came to me because she wanted an abortion... and I didn't want to be an accessory to murder... And since I don't have children, I proposed to take care of the child... as if it were my own. But then God finally gave me a consolation... of having a legitimate child with my wife. I cannot, because of my conscience... be the father of the child that my niece will give birth to. You must repair what you've done. Mattia, Mr. Malagna is right. What right? What? I have to marry her? After he has boasted to the world he got her pregnant. And made me a cuckold. But if there is a cuckold here... it's definitely him. Mattia, please don't insult him! Out of here! We'll talk again, Mr. Pascal. - You will see that we'll talk soon. - Yes, we'll talk. If it continues like this, this year we'll cover weddings, funerals and first communions all the way to Savona. Malagna! Malagna, come immediately. Where? What do you want? Two gorillas are taking away all the furniture from my villa! That happens when you don't pay the bills. What bills? I don't understand. You are the administrator... I didn't consider myself apt enough for your scene. I thought I was abiding by your wishes. But it was a misunderstanding. We will fix everything. Listen, I apologize, but come now because they are taking everything. For a very long time there was nothing to take, Mr. Pascal. I have rescued those rotten ruins as much I could, but now... However, there is always a place for you and your mother. You know where. Long live the newlyweds Somyrevenge... becamea trapthat ended up falling over me. I had to resign to marry Romilda... togivearoofto my mother and me... andmyfirst-born. While Malagna had reconciled... officially and triumphantly with pregnant Oliva. He had accepted a bastard child... bynothavingtoadmit his impotence to all. Hebecamethebossofthetown and as every good Southerner... hemustshow he's a rooster... eventhoughhe 'sacapon. Yeah, yeah, I agree on Malagna... but you and Romilda were in love. - Right? - Yes, yes. Then why do you speak of that marriage as a disgrace without precedent? Like it's an actual death sentence? You forget that through the deceptions of her mother... Romilda managed to deceive me. Yes, that's true. It certainly was the mother who came up with all that. Romilda could have refused... even without your intervention. Who can tell? The fact is, and you're right about that that she made that decision. And one can't forget that very easily. Or very quickly. You can not stay in this house. Take your bag and come live with me. I can't, because of Mattia. - A toast to the health of the bride. - Where is she? She's sick to her stomach. - Mom. - Thank you. - Aunt. - No. Not me. Ruining my daughter wasn't enough... You also had to mess up the life of this peasant bitch. - Thank you. - Sure. I feel so sick... I can't stop laughing. It happens. Ma'am, please go to your room... Don't come out until it's over. Nor do anything that bothers me. I'm not like you! I'm used to work. What about your son? Oh, there he is! What are you doing? Waiting to get a job? You hold on to what little was saved from the bankruptcy. You come here like leeches... Starving and homeless, that's what you are. Good morning, Mr. Pascal. - Hello. The usual. - Here. Pomino! Pomino! - Pomino, listen. - Let me go! Enough! You should thank me and kiss the ground I walk on. It could be you in my place. You ought to thank me. - For having betrayed me? - No, for saving you from hell. But... are things so bad? I live with an old witch and a woman who only thinks about money. If not for my mother... I would have gone a long time ago. I'm sorry. - Let's have a drink. - No, I can't. I have to go. I'm working with my father. Listen, why don't you find a job for me, too? I have almost nothing and a family on my shoulders. You've been fooled by that bloodsucker Malagna, huh? You know what my father said? Malagna bought all your stuff under the name of some society. Why did you let him take it? How could I have known? You know my father never let me do anything. Then one thing leads to the other and ends like this. Hey, there's a job opportunity. My father told me the other night. - Seriousy? - Yes. At the Boccamazza library. The librarian Pellegrinotto can't do everything alone. My father says that the library is in a miserable state. - You could take the position of assistant. - Of course! Listen, but my father must tell it to your Aunt Scolastica. It would make more sense, understand? Still? Come on. This is how I became a part of the organism known as City of Miragno, as an assistant librarian. Are there ghosts in here? let's dance. It'll make the other couples jealous Sure! Why not! Go ahead. I'll be right with you In three lifetimes from now please get me a drink. I'm ever so thirsty And throw in a dance or two with Deepa while you're at it What're you sketching? isn't Sameer taking too long to get your drink? Did somebody just die? Yes you! Did I send you to get a drink or chat up other girls! I'm sure you have something going on with her I remember you were never home when I was away on holiday Priya How do you know her? Did somebody just die? Who is she? I don't know You must have seen her somewhere! That I have. Where? She's over there do you know her? Forget it man. She doesn't seem your type I don't plan on marrying her! Big deal about my type And may I know what your type is? One who lives her life and lets me live mine Someone not overtly emotional I remember. You once met such a girl The affair lasted for two weeks! That itself was too much I'm off or she'll have had grandchildren by the time I get there Think about it. I don't see her biting the hook It's called the good-ole Akash charm and it never fails where has 3 gone? on this all important graduation day I have decided to sing a song And because we are stepping into a new world where the responsibility to be somebody will be thrust on us The title of the song is: "A hundred ways to get a job Relax guys! I was only kidding! then let them We don't give a damn about what they think When we can play music When we can sing Then why should we hesitate? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts If the world gets angry Let it be angry If the world quarrels Let it quarrel If the world fights Just it fight. Just keep right on singing If the world sulks Let it sulk If ties are broken Let them break If someone leaves you Let them go Don't ever be afraid We are today. Why should our style be old? There's lightning in our eyes. A storm in our breath what's defeat? We don't know what they mean are created for us I'm sure we could even pluck the stars out of the night Our abode is beyond the sky We are today. Why should our style be old? We have been raised in the land of dreams We can be as shy as we are openly affectionate Mesmerising everybody wherever we go teaching you lovely women the art of love We know how to steal a woman's heart and her sleep We are today. Why should our style be old? then let them We don't give a damn about what they think When we can play music When we can sing Then why should we hesitate? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts If the world gets angry Let it be angry If the world quarrels Let it quarrel If the world fights Let it fight Just keep right on singing If the world sulks Let it sulk If ties are broken Let them break If someone leaves you Let them go Don't ever be afraid We are today. Why should our style be old? Shalini that's a lovely name I haven't seen you before. You're not from our college You're right. I'm here with somebody And now would you say yes to dancing with this somebody? The fact is that Rohit Rohit! Okay! So you are Rohit's sister? No. Actually I he's more like a brother Not even if I told you that I love you? Shalini. I love you and only you My every breath every heartbeat Shalini I'm sure that I was born so that I could love you And you were born to become mine Shalini And if you ask your heart you will know that I speak the truth. Who are you? Don't you recognize your brother Rohit? you tooare Rohit? I thought Shalini was that other Rohit's sister. he's over there Sameer! Your name is Sameer? So you've being lying to me all along! That's really wrong of you What can I say now You can see for yourself He got me to believe that his name was Rohit Neither is he Rohit nor Shalini my sister Shalini is my fiancee Fiancee! I don't like you being friends with Akash at all His behaviour the other night You know how embarrassed I was? Let him do what he wants. Just keep away from him Priya! Like you don't have any other friends? I do But he Sameer. You can either be with Akash or me! I am thinking You need time to think if you want to be with me! Okay. So you want some time? No! I'm going out with friends. I'll be back by 2.00 I'll know what your answer is Don't you think you are over-reacting? No You've never seen me over-react. If I do then God help you! What are you doing! Sid? I'm glad you like it! Do you want one? Hey! Don't get that anger out on me man Did I ask you to speak to Shalini? No. But you could've at least helped me. You just sat there! Such a true friend! I think I'd be better off befriending Rohit I'd at least get some protection! May God bless your unity. I'm off. Where to? -Home. Sameer? chill. It's only 1'O' clock In which country? It's nearly 4 here! I forgot to call Priya! Why are you so scared of Priya? I'm not scared of her I don't want to hurt her or lose her I can't understand how you tolerate her She seems more a boss than a girlfriend! not your expert comments What should I do? What do you think? I'll tell you what. Call Priya and apologise Tell her you will never meet Akash again You know I won't do that! What if she gets hurt What if you lose her! will you Why are you turning this into such an issue? talk to her. It'll all be okay The thing is but listen You're not but I what I'm saying I'm at Akash's She hung up What did you expect? She'll say Sorry darling! Sameer. Listen to me Just go there and tell her these tantrums won't work she must follow your wishes buddy What are you doing? Be a man! That's exactly what I'm going to do. That's the way to go! He's dead! Priya? Please give Sameer the phone But Sameer hasn't come here. I too am looking for him since last night What? Didn't he come there? Careful man! Only this eye is working We need to talk There's no need for that. I know what you have to say You know? Yes I spoke to Akash after our talk Right! And? He said you weren't at his house Stop pretending! I can't believe I did this to myself I never knew you were such a liar I don't want to see your face ever again! Could I be of any assistance? It's not a problem at all Oh God! What's in here? My things Hang on. I'll get it from this side then There's only two more like this Is that all? Just two more? Let's go It's a nice house It belongs to the company I work for I am an interior designer Tara Jaiswal What do you do? I work as a porter on Sundays And the rest of the week? I say anything that pops into my head But I'll tell you the truth because I think it might be of interest to you I don't quite understand? I mean you have three paintings in your luggage and that's my vocation May I see your paintings? Of course Where do you live? The last house down this road. You can come whenever you wish Ma I'm coming along. Just drop me off at Sameer's it's Anju's wedding anniversary today She'll be very disappointed if you don't come Is Siddharth home? Yes You are? I am Tara this is Tara I'd better be going I'll go myself. aren't you? Where? To Anju's! I get extremely bored there There are very few places in this world where you don't get bored Fine! Have it your way. Please have a seat I'd like to see your paintings first The same theme here too What theme? I have learnt something about you today Something I couldn't see at our first meeting What's that? laugh But there's a world within you of fantasies that you don't share with anyone who claim to know you really know you at all What makes you say that? The door is not open Entry is forbidden The box is tightly bound No one can steal anything And who can tell what feelings reflect behind those shut eyelids I wonder what other secrets your paintings hide within them Or within you perhaps Why are you looking at me like that? which do you think is your best? I have yet to create that one Look at your face! White as a sheet! I am very angry right now and all because of you Hey! I saved your life and you are angry with me? Saved my life? Absolutely! This was bound to happen Priya would've left you tomorrow if not today. Know why? she loved some other Sameer He looked like you but was someone else Sid knows And Priya could only hope to know our this Sameer would be defeated! I never thought of it like that I know Then pack your bags and let's go Sid and I are waiting for you in the car Where are we going? Goa! Goa? ! The heart wants The heart wants May these sparkling days never end The heart wants May we never have to be without our friends May our days be full of poetry our evenings dance and nights sing. May our time together always be fun and exciting May every path we tread bring us happiness The heart wants May these sparkling days never end The heart wants May we never have to be without our friends Our paths dazzle with their glitter May this joy and light be ours by right Where's Akash? There behind the plant Are you guys staying here too? Not are we were. We are checking out guys? we've been here for a week But Akash just got here today. Yes. I got here today Akash! It's nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humour! look over there! did you hear that? Someone's calling out my name buddy. Faster This is the top speed What an amazing place! for a week at least Sid? What are you thinking? I'm looking at that ship that's about to disappear over the horizon The three of us are like that ship we'll set out looking for our destinations and it might just be that our destinations are different I don't understand why you're saying all this we are all friends for life Of course we are But who knows where life will take each one of us let alone come here every year for a week It may be difficult to meet even once in 10 years Sid are and will be friends. Always shall we go? Deepa must be waiting for you Don't say must be waiting. She is! I told her Akash will meet her by the poolside at 8 sharp! How strange is this journey! If you just think Each one of us is so unaware of where he is destined to go of what the future holds for each of us The heart wants May these sparkling days never end The heart wants May we never have to be without our friends May our days be full of poetry our evenings dance and nights sing May our time together always be fun and exciting May every path we tread bring us happiness Our paths dazzle with their glitter May this joy and light be ours by right why do you like Akash so much? What do you mean? Sometimes I wonder why we like and want someone Why do you like him? I don't know I just do Even knowing that Akash doesn't love me Yes then too intelligent girl. You can get anyone you want why can't I have Akash! I don't know that he'll do whatever he can for you. you shouldn't hope for things that Take a look at this sand The tighter you try to grip it the faster it slips through your fingers Have you donated your bag to the hotel? I've decided to stay back for a few days What? Er Kristine wants me to stay for some more time Kristine? that girl who Sid! Are you listening? Our friend has decided to become a hippie! I'd have never met her She's Swiss. I was wondering why not go there and start a bee farm. Swiss honey is world famous Let's go Akash What have I done! He was better off with Priya One more thing Please don't call my house till I get back did you have fun in Goa? It was great. Have you been there? Yes. Many years ago Whose photographs are these? Esha my daughter I haven't met her. Where is she? She lives with her father 9th April 95 exactly on my birthday My husband gave me a gift don't you? No The Court doesn't permit me to meet my daughter Why? My ex-husband is a very rich man His lawyers were very smart and capable he proved that I am not a good mother. That I'm an alcoholic An irresponsible woman who drinks You're nothing like that! Oh for you to have been the judge! what else did you do there? I'd like to paint you Paint me? Be back in two minutes Are you going somewhere? I have to go I just got a call from the site. There's a problem Have you given any thought to your future? No I know it's my fault I'd give you some time You needed it. It's my pampering that has spoilt you If this goes on You'll definitely have signed a cheque till my retirement there are more things to life than signing cheques Really! And what are these things? you'll be the first to know I have had enough of your jokes I've decided that you will go to Australia Cool! Another holiday? You'll manage our business there Dad's joking now Akash. Dad is serious and you better be serious too You are going to Sydney And you will manage the office there Sameerji's Mummyji is on the phone Akash Baba says that Aunty What's wrong with Sameer? Nothing's wrong with Sameer. He's perfectly OK What OK! ? He's shut himself in his room He hasn't eaten and just doesn't come out Sameer is in Bombay? Didn't you all come back last night Aunty. It was last night but I'm so distracted now are you and Sameer on drugs? Aunty. Don't worry. I'll be there right away The least you could've done was call. I didn't know what to say to your Mom What's happened to you? I'm in no mood to talk now Okay. How's Kristine? Don't even mention her name in front of me! Why? What happened? Get it off your chest It's not good for health to suppress such emotions after the two of left the other day I met Kristine on the beach It felt so good Just Kristine and me I loved her so much How happy I was We watched the sunset and she came back to the hotel with me I invited her in I could never have imagined what happened next I don't think she was from Switzerland either I'm glad to have amused you guys! That truck driver who gave me a ride to Bombay was far more sympathetic! You came back in a truck! ? What did you think? That I sit on this pillow every day? I'm pissed off travelling 12 hours in a truck he is Mr. Shankaran. Art India magazines. I was telling Siddharth about my friend who lives in Kasauli He hosts a painting workshop every year And you feel that he must go there Absolutely It'll be a very good experience for him you're here! You're a strange boy! you invite me and act surprised when I come. this is Tara! Tara Jaiswal. You introduced us before How long will you go around with that glum face Come. Let me introduce you to these sweet girls Forget it man. I'm not in the mood Are you fine? Look Kristine! Do you like it? I like them all It's difficult to say which one is your best I haven't painted my best yet Why not? You don't seem to have the time? On such a big day in your life I've to agree to your wish. when you will start my painting? Tomorrow I'll be out in a minute. No problem What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower. What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower. in which the colours merge and all the fragrances blend brooks and clouds rain and butterflies They all seem favourable to me What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Oh look! Banks of a river A bird calls out to another bird at the river itself She flows on to unite with the sea All these journeys are part of love's caravan What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Oh how can I explain How can I make you understand what love is! There are no attachments in love And neither are there any barriers Love's saga is extraordinary What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower in which all the colours merge and all the fragrances blend brooks and clouds rain and butterflies They all seem favourable to me What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Aunty. Sameer? to Akash's Why? I'll be back Mom! What's the matter? Nareshji's daughter Pooja is coming here And we want the two of you to What! Fixing my marriage! Mom. Not for me Why not? Your Daddy and I had an arranged marriage Listen to me. We are not forcing you to get married We have known them for years And we thought we'd turn friendship into a marriage alliance do you? Okay. But you know my answer. And that's NO! Sameer? we have something important to discuss is that all right? they'll get bored sitting with us oldies Are they your friends? Please sit down This is Akash and this is Sid Seems like a deep friendship Either the friendship is deep or it's a 3-D photograph don't you? Yes. Mom and Dad told me honestly speaking When Mom told me about this I felt it wasn't right at first but now I'm so happy you said no to this arranged marriage bullshit! I think marriages shouldn't be made like this It's so important to love somebody to get married What do you think? absolutely Why? Are you in love with someone? There is this guy in my life But I guess I don't love him enough so far to marry him I pretty much feel the same but not about the guy in your life! And then? Then what! She went home It's a problem man Please don't tell me you've fallen for her after all this! Sameer I have no doubt whatsoever you have fallen in love with her But I'm equally sure that after 3 months you'll be in love with some other girl Akash I always thought I knew what love was I realized today that I was completely wrong Is that so! when Pooja told me about that guy in her life For the first time I thought about all those girls in my life I was attracted to all of them But I was wrong to think the attraction was love And now you love Pooja? Yes. That's it! I love Pooja Then tell her Take my advice. Don't say anything to anyone There's no trusting you tomorrow it'll be some Ahuja! How did you know it's my birthday? Didn't you mention it? I am so happy today Guess what? Esha called me She is coming to see me today My daughter is coming here she remembered it's my birthday today I'll be seeing her after 5 years! I've cooked everything myself. I baked a cake I'm so happy Is Esha coming alone or your Oh no. She told him she's going to a friend's birthday party Because Ajay will never let her come here Would you like to meet her? It'll make me happy How dare you teach my daughter to lie? Have you no shame? Thank God I heard Esha talk to you over the phone Why don't you stay away from her? I am her mother! You were her mother but now Kiran is her mother It'd be wise of you to understand this Don't ever try to meet Esha again Not unless you want me to take you to court again don't you? He tells me I am not Esha's mother! That Esha is not my daughter! I am her mother He married again He destroyed all my dreams. I said nothing Because I had everything I had my Esha I have nothing at all I am nothing. Nothing. crying doesn't suit you at all What else can I do! You can come with me You two must be wondering where Siddharth has brought you! No such thing. We'd go anywhere to eat cake Will you dance with me? come. we've reached your house What? right? he's serious man! Have you gone mad? my knowledge of such things is a bit sad but isn't it? Is that because she's older? No. I mean that too Wait a minute! Why are we even discussing this nonsense? Because I thought that may be you guys would understand Hey Sid! Understand what? You say you love a woman who is 10 to 15 years older than you had a husband You've told us she has a drinking problem What should we understand? Just this I know all this and still love her it's insanity No. This is love I don't expect her to be mine or marry me I don't expect any such thing it's okay because I okay! I get it Sameer? Even I had started off like this Started what off? Oh. Of course. Sid. If that's what it's about then I have no objection In fact she's perfect for you lives alone. You visit her everyday Sameer Sid. You couldn't have chosen better How disgusting can you get! Here I am telling you I love her and you make it sound so sick and dirty We don't have to approve everything our friends do But there is a line in every friendship that shouldn't be crossed And you have crossed it today At some point in life everyone experiences true love Then all the things you said about her age and stuff They don't mean anything. They all seem trivial You won't understand this today But some day you will know You don't decide to fall in love It just happens Are you finished? are you coming? I still remember that night I never thought things would go that far I couldn't sleep all night I went and met Akash the next morning These things happen between friends Let's go meet Sid. He must be feeling bad too You're sure to run into him somewhere What'll you do? Ignore him? You're coming to meet Sid Sameer! I have to see Sid He's gone Where? Kasauli They called yesterday to say his application was accepted. So he Sameer? Is everything alright? Of course. I should go I didn't realise that things would never be the same again Akash left for Australia Take care of yourself You remember the name of the man who'll receive you in Sydney? Dad. I remember Bye. I'll call you from there I must tell you something What's it? I always made fun of your endless romantic entanglements Never stopped to think how you must feel don't you? Don't worry about it You weren't the only one who was kidding You remember Shalini? I remember Shalini And Rohit's punch as well I knew she was Rohit's fiancee Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you stop me? I said Hi Where are you going? This flight goes to Sydney But where are you going? How strange! All three of us are going to Sydney Three? and this flight don't you? I'm really sorry about the other night I was just kidding So what are you What are you doing in Sydney? Dad has a business there he wants me to manage Let's see how long it lasts now. And you? My uncle lives there My mother's brother. I'm visiting him is he! What does he do? Have you been to Sydney before? Do you always ask so many questions? Yes. Have you been to Sydney before? Yes Good. You can show me around Wait a minute. Don't you know anybody else there? Of course. There is a Mr. Mehta And won't it be fun hanging out with him? I said I'm sorry Okay but I will have to ask my uncle But he won't refuse. Why? Because I have bought him a gift! I'm fine but please stop calling me uncle now You've grown up which makes us practically the same age is it a business trip? We have an export business and Dad's exported me here to handle it man That's what I think too I prefer something more adventurous like wild life photography You like photography? Mum says the first word I said wasn't Papa or Mama It was camera! I'm Steve Steve? Satyadev Mehta I've organized a car for you. I'll get your trolley Mahesh call me I'd better leave now. I'm sure you want to rest I'll send the driver to pick you up tomorrow I'll tell Mr. Mehta Dad wants you to send him a copy of the new contract aren't you? Can you give me our transaction file? I'd like to know a little more about them before the meeting I'll send you the file right away Is there a good restaurant around here? Being alone in a new city can be so boring But you aren't alone! Who said I was bored? Who'd have thought that someday you and me would be sitting here like friends Especially after all that happened So how is Rohit? He's fine. I spoke to him this morning I told him I met you on the flight and And he doesn't like you meeting me! Right? But you're here. Why? you don't know Rohit. He doesn't like me meeting any boys But Rohit is a good guy don't we all. Me you Faults and me! So tell me about yourself What do you want to know? Of course I have. But not for more than 2 weeks Then there's another girlfriend another 2 weeks And then another stop! I understand how your girlfriend system works What I don't understand is why? I've seen many of my friends with their "beloveds They have everything but love for each other That's why I think I am better off as I am No questions no answers nor do I demand answers But he asks questions. He demands answers I never said it's always the girl's fault But relationships just get like that. Start with joy and end in grief I see! So this is the result of an end in grief Now I've understood your 2 weeks formula! No! It's nothing of the sort I have consciously decided not to fall in love and ruin my life But love isn't about decisions. It just happens Then I don't let it happen to me Give it some time. I'm sure it will some day Why? Are you proposing? How was your day? Akash is nuts Turn it down guys. It's my wife-to-be How are you? Hopefully a little less drunk Did you get my message? Where were you? I met Akash for lunch I told you not to meet him! Why don't you listen to me? Are you yelling at me in front of your friends? I am coming there. It'll take some time but I will be there Rohit. Bye I was in the neighbourhood and I thought if you aren't doing anything else I was in the neighbour I'll call later Fine. And you? this is Subodh Are you waiting for someone? Yes. But it seems like they won't show up now So tell me what's the plan after dinner? No plan let's do something Subodh? I'm sorry. I've made it a habit to sleep by 10 One night won't change your habit it's Sunday tomorrow I know. Thing is I've to wake up at 5 and do Yoga Then some jogging and breakfast at 8 sharp And since it's Sunday we spend the day at Kumar uncle's beach house I'll be right back right? He isn't that bad So where are you off to? Let's see may be you can join me I'm sure I can If I call you sometime Wow! What're we celebrating? You don't remember? It was on this day five months ago that I told you what I felt for you To Subodh and Pooja! What's the situation like? Pretty intense Mahesh There were such intense scenes in the film! So moving Please cut out the performance And forgive me for taking you to see such a good film! You see! That's my biggest problem I can't bear watching good films Yes. You only like those wham bang action films that's all you can understand because they don't require you to use your brains or heart! You need plenty of brains for these love stories he sits there sighing what's all this loveydovey stuff about anyway! You won't understand let's go Wonder why people fall in love Wonder why people are ready to die for someone Wonder why people fall in love Wonder why people are ready to die for someone Oh wonder why Wonder why why why! there is only grief in love it's past counting When in love your head must remain bowed Even when in pain you have to smile Why fill your own life with poison? Wonder why people fall in love Oh wonder why Wonder why why why Without love what's left in life Without love A person is lonely Without love what's there in life Without love A person is lonely Love brings colour into your life Love brings beauty into your life People fall in love but hide it Wonder why they fear expressing it openly Oh wonder why Wonder why why why! Love is just needless trouble Love is beautiful in every aspect We are all better off far away from love Love's every form is the assured truth He that tests love's waters neither drowns nor floats Wonder why? Everyone but everyone falls in love Wonder why only you keep avoiding it Wonder why Wonder why Wonder why why why! Tell me something Shalini Why're you so scared of sitting on these rides? I m not scared I think only those who aren't right in their heads enjoy these rides Interesting excuse You need courage to sit on these rides! You need guts But don't worry. There are many cowards like you around here Look. There's one right there It's not like that at all then get on that ride with me Why? No guts? It's getting late I'm going on that ride you can come with me. Or sit here and get bored Absolutely no guts Hurry. We can catch this train Really Shalini! How could you scare that poor old man! How did it go? Really well. They like my work And they want me to come back That's great When will you have to go? I've just returned and you're asking about my leaving Did you talk to Sameer? No. Why? He came over the morning you left He seemed very troubled What did he say? Nothing When did you get back? How are you? How's everything? Great. How are things with you man? It's a very long story Let's go up and talk so here's the situation You are pretty good friends. Hang out together But you still haven't told her how you feel I've tried very hard But the words just don't come out Didn't she have a boyfriend? Yup. She did but not anymore I don't know what Pooja saw in him I mean he was sweet but what a bore! One day I made the mistake of going for a drive with them See this place I met Pooja for the first time on 15th September right here we came here to have ice cream 22nd September would you? Of course I remember. It was exactly 5.55 That's not all He'd buy her a balloon everyday Balloon? Yes. You know those heart shaped ones you get at signals It's okay but Everyday! One balloon a day! I knew the guy was deranged why haven't you told her? I was afraid What if Pooja says no? I'd even lose this friendship we share now and be all alone You weren't here. Nor was Akash you're here now And I feel stronger knowing that you're here for me Sameer Then shall I tell her today? Tell her there's something I need to tell you I wonder what if the arranging incident hadn't happened If we hadn't met the way we did would we be the same as we are now? how else would we be? If you thought differently about me what'd happen? What's happening now? What am I saying? Just a lot of ifs! What's the matter? The matter is just that I'm falling in love with you I agree that we don't know each other very well believe that I am telling the truth I look everywhere for her. But I still haven't found her Where is the girl in whose love I can believe? She who loves only me She must be even ready to say you are the one who has my heart where is that girl? She who lives in your dream as love's beautiful embodiment You will find her someday or other Just look here and there Let's both go and find her this damsel so dainty you will say She is right here! I wonder why I had this thought Could you be the dream girl? You have all the graces that I search for everywhere I think you are deluded I wonder what you think I am I am no angel or fairy nor any celestial nymph Don't have any such illusions I look everywhere for her. But I still haven't found her Where is the girl in whose love I can believe? Suppose I say to you All I think of is you and only you You must know this is what I desire only with me what have you made me believe! how you make my heart beat! You melt my body and soul reciting this saga of yours I look everywhere for her. But I still haven't found her Where is the girl in whose love I can believe? where is that girl? That girl is here! Where is that girl? That girl is here! I can't believe that it's already time for you to leave Mom. I'll be back soon Three months is not soon And that's this time You don't know how long you'll be gone next time Siddharth have you thought about marriage? Mom! What Mom! okay? But why? Why not now? Mom. You won't understand who else will? Is there someone you like? what's the matter? You've never hidden anything from me Ma. But there are some things that you just can't tell somebody Yes there are But I can see there's something eating away at you inside Will you keep it bottled up inside all your life? I'm telling you you won't understand! Why won't I understand? Try telling me What is this thing that I don't have the right to know? What's the matter? That Tara Jaiswal? I've met her so many times But she When did this start? I don't know when I won't let you ruin your life! Have you any inkling of what you are saying? My son has fallen in love with a woman who You were right I wouldn't understand that she loves you? She must've seduced you with her sad stories What did she say to you? She said nothing! She doesn't even know that I Siddharth Don't ruin your life over me. And the little peace I have left in my life Please don't take it away from me Go away! Please listen to me I don't want to hear anything Have I ever made you feel that I love you or want a relationship with you? No Then what made you think that you and I could have any such relationship? This is the problem with your generation Siddharth Why just me? You have also caused your mother a lot of pain Please sit down I'm so sorry that I caused you and my mother such pain I'm sorry you had to hear all this because of me But it's true that I love you It's also true that I never wanted you to know it Because I knew that you would never be able to understand I just want to see you happy And if knowing the truth has caused you pain today that wasn't my intention please leave now After the workshop I think I'll go stay at uncle's farm house for a while It's a good place to paint Will you come with me? I don't want to go without you Just a minute You look very lovely why are we here? To prove to you that a thing called love does exist in this world Don't you ever give up? Shut up and lets go in Why are we here? To watch an opera but why? You'll know when the time comes The girl's name is Cressida and the boy is Troilus They love each other very much But Troilus must go now He has to go to war for his country Cressida is afraid something may happen to him Troilus is telling her nothing will happen to him This is the spirit of Troilus standing at heaven's gate But he doesn't want to go inside He is asking God for one day He wants to meet Cressida for one last time And tell her how much he loves her If he is given one day He is willing to die a thousand deaths Akash Think Who is it you are willing to die a thousand deaths Akash? No so easily! You still haven't told me who you saw You seem quite sure that I saw someone? Yes. Because today for the first time you're talking less and thinking more! Then listen I saw her And I felt perhaps this is what they call love I wanted to touch her hold her in my arms I saw such innocence in her eyes like I see in your eyes now Her voice had the kind of magic your voice has I can still feel the fragrance of her breath like I can feel in your breath now Who was she? That fat opera singer! come inside at once! I think the two of you should talk alone Where had you gone? To the opera With Akash! How many times have I told you not to meet him! will you keep telling me all my life who I should or should not meet! Yes. I will And you will never see Akash again. You got that? I need some time to think and you need it too Shalini had called. She said it's important Rohit. It's Akash Is Shalini there? She had called I know. We are going back to get married Can I speak to Shalini? That's good news we are going back tomorrow Can you come for dinner tonight? I don't know. Bye Akash! We thought you weren't going to make it They're beautiful. Thanks What will you drink? We can drink later. Let's eat first. I'm starving have you told Mahesh Uncle how you and Akash met? No? Mahesh Uncle I don't know what you'd have done if you were there What happened? It was at my graduation party Shalini was with me Perhaps Akash didn't know that Sorry for the punch Rohit. It was my fault I think I was lucky What do you mean? if Shalini was with me and someone had acted fresh I'd have killed him That is If Shalini was with you wait aren't you? I can't make it. There's a lot of work to be done Some friend you are! don't forget to call us to your wedding We'll definitely be there I'm not going to get married Why? It's necessary to love someone to get married And I believe this thing called love doesn't exist in the world Shalini and I love each other Shalini? You both shouldn't ask each other this question. Ask yourself I better go You left your jacket with me the other night Some day I want to tell you why I am marrying Rohit Why? What's the need to tell me? I need to Because we both know when you shut your eyes it wasn't the fat opera singer you saw Loneliness This loneliness Why have I stumbled on the path of love All my dreams lie shattered A sense of gloom lies heavy Every joy is be numbed My very life is lost I am being punished for loving you Loneliness Loneliness stretches over miles and miles In my dream I saw a hand in my hand Now I am blinded by the shards of a shattered dream Someone was here yesterday but today there is no one Like a cobra's venomous hiss it envelopes my very breath this loneliness has brought tears to my eyes Oh how could my hope for something be so futile I've embarked on a journey to which there is no destination Where should I go? To whom shall I explain? What I had wanted And why I ended up with this loneliness Loneliness deeply dark as the night Why have I stumbled on the path of love All my dreams lie shattered A sense of gloom lies heavy Every joy is be numbed My very life is lost I am being punished for loving you Loneliness Loneliness stretches over miles and miles Aunty. Is Sameer home? Who is this? You want to talk to Sameer and you've called Siddharth! How are you? Aunty He's gone to Kasauli. Give me your number. I'll give it to him it's okay. I'll call him son? Dad What's wrong? Are you unwell? it's nothing like that Been working all day that's all Akash I've never seen you like this before Dad So what's the problem? She is marrying somebody else Have you told her you love her? No Does she love you? she does Has she told you? you must tell her how you feel No Why not? She is marrying somebody else There are many things in this world that are beyond our understanding When a person decides something there must be a reason for that decision You say that the girl loves you but is marrying someone else Have you tried to find out why she's doing it? What's the reason for her decision? How's Shalini? She isn't happy And how could she be? She is marrying Rohit but loves you Did she tell you that? No Did you ever tell me you love her? Then why's she getting married? Rohit's father and Shalini's father were business partners Shalini was six when her parents were killed in a car accident I was her only relative but I wasn't able to support her Rohit's parents took her in not only into their home but their hearts and their life They've done a lot for her Shalini can't refuse What else can she do? On one hand are the people who've given her the life she's living On the other hand is a man She doesn't even know if he loves her or not what are you doing man! Go and tell her you love her only you know what you have to do Just know this. Tonight is the Sangeet function and tomorrow the wedding you must make it today Will you marry me? Not even if I tell you that I love you? Shalini I love you and only you My every breath every heartbeat Shalini I'm sure that I was born so that I could love you And you were born to become mine Shalini And if you ask your heart you will know that I speak the truth What's going on! Who is this boy? I'll tell you A.K. Malhotra's son wagging his tail huh? I won't leave you today! Rohit. I want to speak to Shalini first Rohit! You wait here. But Dad! This is my life I feel very hurt today I always thought that Shalini was my daughter But today I feel that she has never thought of us as her own She wants to repay her debt to us by marrying Rohit All right you must repay us For looking after you from childhood till now you owe us For giving you whatever you asked for you owe us For shielding you from even a hint of trouble you owe us Now if you want to repay all that you owe us see us happy Then marry Akash Can you do this much for me? Come Take care of her. She is my daughter Dad why aren't you saying anything? Rohit You care about Shalini's happiness but don't give a damn about mine! if Shalini is not happy being with you how can you ever be happy? This can't happen to me! I won't allow this! What are you doing? I love Akash All his life he said I won't say "I love you" to anyone And when he had to say it It was at someone's wedding in front of 300 people! Did you call him? What did he say? He wasn't home I told you he won't come Can I talk to Sid? How are you? Fine. How are you? Forgive me I must apologise too Some other time. It's my turn today You haven't changed at all it's hard to improve on perfection Where are you? When can we meet? Today. Now. This very moment Now there's no pain nor any fear I feel good It's peaceful here Siddharth You always stood by me don't you Then you be happy won't you? I will Life is so strange Some relationships don't have any name You and I will always look at your ship It was so small 2 years ago. Look how much it's grown you should've told us See! I'm getting told off because of you let's go What? Come on Come on man Subtitles ßy MühàmmáРܧmâñ Bring him here tomorrow The patient's liver is badly damaged. We're keeping her under observation It's hard to say more right now But you can do something can't you? The problem is, we can't do a liver transplant at short notice If you want to inform her relatives you may use my phone Sid? How are you, buddy? Where are you? I'm at the hospital Hospital? Are you OK? I'm all right What's wrong, then? Just hold on. I'm coming Akash is back in Bombay. I'll bring him along He won't come Forget what happened. He'll be very happy to know you're here Yes, Sameer. What is it? Sameer, you'd better see him. Count me out Right, let bygones be bygones, but.. let's leave things as they are I live my life, Sid lives his See him on your own Sameer, come quickly. Now Hello, Sid? Akash.Sameer. What's wrong? What's the rush? How do you like it? Are you mad? Calling at this hour of night. I thought you'd been burgled What do you mean, beautiful, Akash? But Sid, doesn't she remind you of someone? Of whom? Sameer, what do you think? I think everyone looks like someone else But she looks like Miss Kashyap - Our economics teacher? - Yes, sir No way Yes, I know Miss Kashyap better than you do I used to go to her for tuition Alone, or with other students? What do you think? Just you two? She does resemble Miss Kashyap, but guess what I've got wrong - Her figure - What do you know about that? Excuse me, I'm looking for Sid Siddharth Sinha - When did you return to Bombay - This morning What would have happened if I hadn't? How is she now? I don't know. It's too soon to say And you. What are you up to now? I'm working with Dad in his computer business Otherwise, everything's the same And you? Still at your uncle's farmhouse in Poona? Yes, it's a nice place. Come some time I certainly will Do you really mean it? I mean to do lots of things. I'm thinking of getting married I knew you'd be the first of us three to marry Akash is getting married, too Akash? Marriage? I'm not kidding No way! Who to? The girl who was crazy about him in college? She used to "Akash" so strangely Oh God! Deepa is here Akash, let's dance. We'll make the other couples jealous Go ahead. I'll be right there Three lifetimes later Sameer, baby, I'm thirsty. Get me a drink And dance with Deepa for me While you're at it What are you drawing? Priya, isn't Sameer a long time getting your drink? - Has someone died? - Yes, you Did I send you to get a drink or pull other girls? I'm sure you've something with her When I went to Panchgani I'd call but you were never at home How do you know her? Has someone died? - Who is she? - I don't know You must have seen her somewhere Yes, I have. Over there Priya, do you know her? Forget it, she's not your type Who cares? I don't plan to marry her May I ask what your type is? Someone who lives her life and lets me live mine, not too emotional You once said you'd met your type of girl, the affair lasted two weeks Two weeks was too long Anyway, I'm off. She'll be a grandma by the time I get there Think it over. I don't see her falling for you Uncle Sam, Akash's magic never fails Is the mike leaking? Where did the three go? It's our graduation day. An important day for us I've decided to sing you a song Now as we're about to enter a new world where we'll be forced to prove ourselves, become big people The song is: A hundred ways to get a job" Relax guys, I was only kidding If people say we're crazy, then let them talk This time belongs to us We have music. we can sing. Then why should we hold back? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts - If the world gets angry - Let it If the world quarrels, if the world fights We'll sing as we please If people sulk, if ties are broken, if someone leaves... let them go Never be scared We are today. Why should our style be old? There's lightning in our eyes. A storm in our breath What is fear? What is defeat? We don't know what they mean The earth and sky were created for us I know we can pluck the stars from the sky Sure we can. We live beyond the sky We are today. Why should our style be old? You know the land of dreams, we were raised there We give our hearts away to many. we can also be shy Mesmerising everyone with our magic wherever we go Teaching beauties the art of love We know how to steal a woman's heart and sleep We are today. Why should our style be old? If the world quarrels, if the world fights... let it We'! sing as we please If people sulk, if ties are broken, if someone leaves... let them go Never be scared We are today. Why should our style be old? Akash Malhotra - Shalini - A lovely name I haven't seen you before, you're not from our college No, I'm here with somebody Would you agree to dance with this somebody? - The fact is that Rohit... - I see, you're Rohit's sister Rohit and I are close friends, he's like a brother Not even if I told you that I love you? Yes, Shalini. I love you and only you My every breath, every heartbeat, is filled with you, Shalini I know that I was born to love you And you were born to be mine You are mine, Shalini. Ask your heart You will know I speak the truth Who are you? Don't you recognize your brother Rohit? Rohit? I mean, you're Rohit, too? I thought Shalini was another Rohit's sister He's over there Sameer? Your name's Sameer? So you've lied to me. That's not good You can see for yourself. He's been lying to me, saying he's Rohit Neither is he Rohit nor Shalini my sister Shalini is my fiancée Sameer, I don't like you being friends with Akash The way he behaved the other night was so embarrassing Let him go his way, keep away from him - But Akash is my friend, Priya - Have you no other friends? Of course, but... You can either be with Akash or me I'm thinking You need time to think if you want to be with me? So you need some time? I'm going out. I'll be home by two If I don't hear from you then I'll know your answer Aren't you taking this too seriously? Not terribly seriously, but if I do... What are you doing? Your bruise is funny colour. Look, Sid You like it? You want one, too? Don't take it out on me. Did I ask you to talk to Shalini? No, but you could have helped me You just sat there. What a friend I'd be better protected with Rohit as a friend God bless your friendship. I'm off - Where to? - Home - Sit. What's the hurry? - Yes, its only one Where? It's nearly four there I forgot to call Priya Why so scared of Priya? I'm not scared of her. I don't want to hurt her, or lose her Sameer, how do you tolerate her? She's a boss, not a girlfriend I need help, not your expert comments. What shall I do? What do you think? Call Priya and apologize. Say you will never see Akash again You know I won't do that What if she gets hurts or you lose her? You'll never improve, will you? Why make this such a big deal? Call her, talk to her. It'll be fine I was... listen... you're not... but... I'm trying... I'm at Akash's She hung up Did you expect her to say "Sorry, darling"? There's a limit to everything. Tell her that tantrums won't work She'll do as you say She's challenged your self-respect. Be a man He's in for a hiding - Priya? - Give Sameer the phone He's not been here - I've looked for him since last night - He hasn't been there? Watch it! I'll lose the other eye - I want to talk to you - No need. I know what you have to say You know? After talking to you I had Akash on the line He said you weren't at his house I can't believe this. I never knew you were such a liar I don't want to see your face again Can I help? No problem - God! What's in there? - My things If one case has reduced us to this state... - Only two more - Only two? Let's go A nice place It belongs to the company I work for I'm an interior designer. I'm Tara Jaiswal Siddharth Sinha... Sid What do you do? On Sundays I'm a porter And weekdays? Usually when people ask I say the first thing that comes into my head But the truth might interest you You have three paintings among your things. That's what I do May I see your paintings? Of course Where do you live? The last house down this road. You're welcome any time - Sid, I'm off to the office - Just a minute, Ma You can drop me off at Sameer's It's Anju's wedding anniversary today. She'll be upset if you don't come - Is Siddarth at home? - Yes. You are... I am Tara Ma, this is Tara So shall I go? Yes, I'll go later You'll come this evening, won't you? - Where? - To Anju's It's boring there There are few places you don't find boring Very well don't come Please sit down I'd like to see your paintings first The same thing What thing? I've learnt something about you Something I didn't see when we first met What's that? You meet people, you laugh, you talk But there's a world within you that's full of dreams, fantasies You don't share them with anyone I wonder if those who claim to know you really know you at all What makes you say that? The door is closed, no one can enter The box is shut, no one can steal anything The feelings behind those eyelids who can tell what they are? I wonder what other things your paintings hide Perhaps in the way you do What are you looking at? Which painting do you like best? I haven't painted that one yet Your face is as white as a sheet I'm very angry, because of you I saved your life - You're angry with me? - Saved my life? Absolutely. It had to happen. Priya would have left you. You know why? She didn't love you, she loved some other Sameer He looked like you, but he was someone else. You're not that Sameer You're the Sameer Sid and I know. If you became Priya's Sameer our Sameer would be the loser I never thought of it like that Then pack your bags, let's go. Sid and I will wait in the car - Go where? - Goa The heart wants The heart wants these sparkling days never to end Never to be without our friends May our days be full of sweet words Our evenings dance and our night sing May our time together be always exciting, full of fun May every path we tread offer happiness The heart wants Our glittering paths are dazzling May this joy and light be ours by right Behind the plant - Are you at this hotel? - We were... we're checking out We've been here a week, haven't we? Yes, a week But Akash just got here You never stop joking Deepa, what's your room number? Sid, look over there Hear that? Someone's calling my name Go faster, buddy This is full speed What a stunning place We should spend a week in Goa every year What are you thinking about? That ship It will soon vanish over the horizon We three are like that ship. We'll soon set sail for our destinations Our destinations might not coincide Why are you saying this? We're friends, Sid For Life Of course, but who knows where life will take us? Just imagine. Never mind a week, we may not meet once in ten years That won't happen, Sid We were friends, we are friends, we always will be. Always Shall we go? Deepa must be waiting for you Don't say she must be. She is We told her: Akash will see her at the poolside at eight How strange is this journey Each of us is so unsure where he is destined to go Who knows what the future has in store for us? The heart wants These sparkling days never to end Never to be without our friends May our days be full of sweet words Our evenings dance and our nights sing Deepa, why do you like Akash so much? What do you mean? Sometimes I wonder why we like someone Why do you like him? I don't know... I just do - Even if you know that he... - Doesn't love me? Yes, even then Deepa, you're pretty, intelligent, you can get anyone If that's true, why can't I have Akash I don't know why But I know if you ever need Akash's help, he'll do all he can for you But you shouldn't hope for things that... See this sand? The tighter you hold it, the quicker it slips through your fingers Where's your bag? Donated to the hotel? I've decided to stay for a few days Kristine wants me to stay Kristine? That girl who... Hear that? Our friend has decided to become a hippie If you hadn't brought me I'd never have met her I'm considering moving there, starting a honey farm Let's go What have I done? He was better off with Priya Did you have a great time in Goa? Great. Have you been there? Yes, many years ago. Who's that? Esha. My daughter Where is she? She lives with her father 9th April 1995. On my birthday My husband gave me a present You do see your daughter, don't you? No The court doesn't allow me to see my daughter My ex-husband is a very rich man. His lawyers were smart With the help of many witnesses he proved I'm not a good mother, I'm an alcoholic An irresponsible woman who drinks You're nothing of the sort If only you were the judge Tell me, what else did you do there? I'd like to paint you Paint me? I'll be back in two minutes Are you going out? Sorry, they called me from the site. There's a problem. Have you thought about your future plans? It's my fault. I've always thought I'd give you time, you need more time My pampering has spoilt you As it is, you won't sign a cheque till I retires Dad, there's more to life than signing cheques And what is that "more"? I haven't found out yet, but you'll be the first to know Enough of your jokes I've decided to send you to Australia - Cool! Another holiday? - You'll manage our business there Mum, Dad's joking now No, he's serious. You'd better become serious, too You are going to Sydney You'll look after the office there Mr. Akash says... What's wrong with Sameer? Nothing. Sameer is fine Fine? He's shut himself in his room. He hasn't eaten and won't come out - Is he in Bombay? - Didn't you all return last night? Yes, last night... I'm so forgetful Akash, are you and Sameer on drugs? Of course not. Don't worry, I'll come over right away I didn't know what to say to your mother What's happened? I'm in no mood to talk How's Kristine? Don't talk about her! Why? What happened? Out with it It's unhealthy to repress things Two days after you left, I went to the beach to see Kristine It felt so good just me and Kristine I loved her so much How happy I was That evening she came back to the hotel with me I invited her in I never imagined what happened next I don't think she was from Switzerland, either Laugh on! The truck driver who gave me a lift back was more sympathetic You came back in a truck? Do I always sit on a pillow? Ride twelve hours in a truck, you'll see what I mean Ma, this is Mr. Shankaran. He works for Art India magazine I was saying that a friend in Kasauli runs a painting workshop - Do you think he should go there? - Absolutely It will be a very good experience You're a strange boy. You invite me, then you're surprised to see me This is Tara We've met before How long will you mourn over Kristine? Let me introduce you to these sweet girls Forget it, I'm not in the mood Are you feeling all right? Look. Kristine Do you like it? I like them all It's difficult to say which is your best I haven't painted my best yet - Why not? - You don't have the time How can I refuse on such an important day in your life? When shall we start? Tomorrow - I'll be right out - No problem What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? All colours come alive and all fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds Songs, rain Butterflies They all bestow favours on me What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? Look! The banks of a river A bird calls to another bird Look at this river She flows to unite with the sea These journeys are all parts of love's caravan What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? How can I tell anyone? How can I explain what love is? Love has no attachments Love has no barriers Listen to the extraordinary saga of love What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? All colours come alive and all fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds Songs, rains, butterflies They all now bestow favours on me What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? Sameer, are you going out? To Akash's. Why? I'll be right back What is it? Nareshji's daughter Pooja is coming We want the two of you to... What? Arranging my marriage? No arranged marriage for me! Why not? Ours was an arranged marriage We're not forcing you We've known them for ages, so why not form a marriage alliance? You lose nothing by meeting Pooja But you know my answer. No Who is it, Sameer? We have something important to discuss Isn't that so? Anyway, they'll be bored with us oldies Your friends? Please sit down This is Akash and Sid - Looks like deep friendship - Friendship is either deep or 3-D Pooja... do you know why you're here? Yes. Mum and Dad told me Honestly, when Mum told me about all this, I didn't like it at all I'm so happy you're against this arranged marriage nonsense People shouldn't marry like this It's important to love the one you marry. What do you think? Yes, absolutely Why? Are you in love? There is this guy, but I don't love him enough to marry him yet I feel much the same Not about your guy - And then? - What else? She went home It's a problem Please don't tell me you've now fallen for her Look, Sameer. I'm sure you've fallen in love with her And I'm sure you'll love another girl in three months I thought I knew what love is. Today I see how wrong I was Akash, when I was talking to Pooja today I suddenly thought of all those girls I was attracted to but I mistook attraction for love And now you love Pooja? That's the problem. I love Pooja So you should tell her Take my advice. Say nothing to anyone You're hopeless. Today it's Pooja, tomorrow it's Ms Another! How do you know it's my birthday You mentioned it I'm so happy today Guess what? Esha called She's coming to see me today My daughter is coming here She's remembered it's my birthday I'll be seeing her after five years. I've cooked everything, baked a cake I'm so happy Is Esha coming alone, or with... Oh no. She told him she's going to a friend's birthday party Ajay would never let her come here Would you like to meet her? It'll make me happy You're teaching my daughter to lie. I heard her talking to you. Why don't you stay away from her? I'm her mother You were, but now Kiran is her mother Just get this clear Don't try to meet Esha again, or I'll take you to court again Understand what I'm saying? He tells me I'm not Esha's mother, she's not my daughter I am her her mother! He married again He destroyed my dreams, I said nothing Because I had everything I had my Esha But now I have nothing I have nothing at all I am nothing. Nothing at all I am nothing You know, crying doesn't suit you at all What else can I do? You can come with me You must be wondering where Siddharth has brought you No, we'd go anywhere to eat cake Will you dance with me? Where? Right here. Lots of room Sid, you're home You're joking, right? No, he's serious Have you gone mad? I'm no great expert on love, but isn't this a bit much? - Because she's older than me? - No... well, that, too Why are we even discussing this nonsense? Because I thought you two would understand Understand what? You say you love a woman who's fifteen years older than you Who has a daughter, who had a husband Has a drinking problem. What must we understand? Just that I love her despite that Sid, this isn't love, it's madness No, this is love I don't expect her to be mine or marry me. I don't hope for that If she doesn't love me it's OK... I get it Remember, Sameer? That's how it started for me What started? Sid, If that's it I have no objection. In fact she's perfect for you She's experienced, lives alone. You see her every day Sameer, look and learn. Really, a perfect choice What a dirty mind you have I'm telling you I love her and you make its a dirty joke No one has to approve everything to friends do But there's a line in friendship that mustn't be crossed At some point in life everyone experiences true love Then all the things you say about her age and stuff they don't mean anything, they all seem trivial You can't understand it today But one day you'll learn that love isn't rational It just happens Are you finished? Sameer, are you coming? I still remember that night I never thought things would go that far I couldn't sleep. Next morning I went to see Akash These things happen between friends Let's go to Sid. He must be down, too You're sure to run into him somewhere. What will you do, ignore him? You're coming to meet Sid Leave me alone, Sameer I'd like to see Sid He's gone To Kasauli. They called yesterday to say his application was accepted What is it? Is everything all right? Of course. I'll be off I didn't realize things would never be the same again You went to Kasauli. A week later Akash left for Australia Take care of yourself Remember who'll meet you at Sydney airport? Mr. Mehta. relax, Dad, I remember I'll call you from there I wanted to tell you something Just that I always made fun of your endless romantic entanglements I never stopped to think how you'd feel You know I was just kidding, don't you? Don't worry, you weren't the only one who was kidding Remember Shalini? I remember her... and Rohit's fist I knew she was Rohit's fiancée Why didn't you stop me? I said "Hi" - Where are you going? - This flight goes to Sydney But where are you going? - Strange, us three going to Sydney - Three? You, me and this flight You're crazy! I'm really sorry about that night. I was just kidding What are you doing in Sydney? Dad wants me to look after his office there. Let's see how long it lasts - And you? - I'm visiting my uncle there He's not like Rohit, is he? What does he do? Have you been to Sydney before? Do you always ask so many questions? Yes. Have you been to Sydney before? Good, you can show me around Don't you know anyone else there? There's Mr. Mehta. Won't it be fun hanging out with him? I said I'm sorry I'll have to ask uncle But he won't refuse I have a present for him Stop calling me uncle. We're almost the same age now you've grown up Are you here on business? Dad's exported me to run our export business Exports sound very boring, man I'd prefer something more adventurous, like wildlife photography You like photography? Ma says my first word wasn't Papa or Mama, but camera Steve... Satyadev Mehta I've arranged for a car. I'll see to your baggage I'll be off, Shalini. Bye, Manish If you need anything in Sydney, here's my card. Call me You'd better get some rest. I'll send the driver to pick you up tomorrow I'll tell Mr. Mehta Dad wants you to send him a copy of the new contract You're coming to the meeting tomorrow? Can you give me their company file? I'd like to study it before tomorrow I'll send it in right away Is there a good restaurant nearby? - Alone in new city can be boring - But you aren't alone Who said I was bored? I never imagined we'd be talking like this one day Especially after what happened How is Rohit? Fine. I spoke to him this morning I told him I met you on the flight and... And he doesn't like you seeing me? But you're here. Why? You don't know Rohit. He doesn't like me seeing any man But Rohit's a good guy. He has a few flaws, haven't we all? Me, you... Me ? Flaws? Tell me about yourself - What do you want know? - Girlfriends? Of course. They only last two weeks Then another. Two weeks later... Then another. Two weeks later... I understand how your system works, but why? I don't get it I've seen many friends with their sweethearts They have everything but love for each other That's why I'm better off as I am. No question asked, no answer given I don't ask Rohit questions, nor do I demand answers But he asks questions, he demands answers I'm not implying it's always the girl's fault All relationships begin with smiles and end in tears So this is the result of an unhappy ending - Now I get the two-week system - Nothing of the sort I've decided not to fall in love and ruin my life But love isn't a matter of decision, it just happens Then I don't let it happen Give it time, one day it will happen Why? Do you intend to marry me? How was your day? Akash is nuts Turn it down, it's my future wife How are you? Slightly less drunk than you Did you get my message? Where are you? I went to lunch with Akash I told you not to see him. Why don't you listen to me? Are you yelling at me with friends there? I'm coming there. It'll take some time, but I'll be there As you wish, Rohit Pooja, I was nearby, so I thought... If you aren't doing anything Pooja, I was in the neighbourhood... I'm fine. And you? Subodh, this is Sameer. Sameer, Subodh Waiting for someone? Yes, but it seems they won't show up now - Any plans after dinner? - No plans Let's go somewhere Sorry, but I go to bed at ten One night won't hurt routine It's Sunday tomorrow Yes, so I must be up at five and do yoga. Then some jogging And breakfast at eight sharp Sundays we spend the day at Uncle Kumar's beach house I'll be right back Time for his bathroom visit? He isn't that bad - So where to? - We'll see If Timetable won't join us, let's go Sure we could If I call you some time... What are we celebrating? You've forgotten. Five months ago on this day I told you how I felt for you To Subodh and Pooja - How was that? - Pretty intense Really, Mahesh. There were such intense scene in the film, so moving Please out out the farce and forgive me for taking you to such a good film That's my problem. I don't like watching good films at all You only like wham-bam action films You can understand them, you needn't use your brains or your heart You need brains for love stories: she sits crying, he sits sighing What's all this lovey-dovey stuff, anyway? You won't get it Wonder why people fall in love Wonder why people are ready to die for someone I wonder why Just think about it. In love there is only sadness As for the cruelty inflicted by love, it's past counting In love you need to bow your head In pain, you still have to smile Why fill your life with poison? Wonder why people fall in love? Without love, what is there in life? Without love a person is lonely Love brings myriad colours into your life Love adorns your life People fall in love, but don't admit it Wonder why speaking plainly of love scares them Love is unnecessary trouble Love is beautiful in every way We're better off keeping away from love Love in every guise is truth The man who wades into love's waters neither sinks nor swims Wonder why Everyone, everyone fall in love. Wonder why only you avoid it Wonder why Shalini, why are you so scared of the roller-coaster ride? I'm not scared Only people who aren't right in the head enjoy these rides Interesting excuse. You need guts to go on a ride No worries, lots of cowards like you are about. There's one right there It's not like that If it's not like that, come with me on that ride Why? No guts? I'm late I'm going on that ride. Come with me, or sit here and get bored Absolutely no guts Hurry! The train! Really, Shalini, you scared that old man - How was it? - Great. They like my work And they want me to go back That's wonderful When do you go back? I've just returned and you ask when I'm going? Did you talk to Sameer? No. Why? He came over the morning you left. He looked worried - What did he say? - Nothing You're back - How are you? How was it? - Great! How are you? It's a long story. Let's go up and talk So that's the situation You're good friends, you meet, but you haven't told her how you feel I've tried very hard But the words just don't come out Hadn't she a boyfriend? She had. Not any more I don't know what Pooja saw in him. He was all right, but what a bore One day I went for a drive with them That's where I met Pooja for the first time, on 15th September Exactly seven days later, on the 22nd, we come here to have ice-cream Do you remember what time it was? Of course. Five fifty-five precisely That's not all. He bought her a balloon every day Heart-shaped ones, like you can buy in the street That's OK, but every day? Every day... a balloon I knew the guy was deranged If you love Pooja so much. why haven't you told her? I was afraid. What if Pooja says no? I'd lose our friendship I'd be all alone You weren't here. Neither was Akash You're back, and I feel stronger knowing you're here I'm always here for you, Sameer Then shall I tell her today? Tell her Pooja, I must talk to you I wonder what if our parents hadn't tried to arrange our marriage? If we hadn't met the way we did? If I'd met you somewhere, would we be as we are now? If we weren't as we are, how would we be? If we thought differently of each other, what would happen? Now what's happening What am I saying? You're saying lots of ifs What is it, Sameer? It's just that, Pooja... I've fallen in love with you I agree we don't know each other very well But the love you're seeking I understand such a love If you trust me at all, believe me, I am telling the truth I look for her everywhere, the girl I have never found Whose love I can believe in. Where is that girl? She who loves me alone. She must be ready to say it You are the one who has my heart. Where is that girl? She who lives in your dreams is the beautiful picture of love You will find her some day. Keep your eyes open Let's go in search for her. This angel, this dainty damsel Once you see her, you will say: "Ah! She is right here" I wonder why this thought crossed my mind Could you be that dream girl? You have all the graces and delights that I have looked for everywhere I think you are deluded. I wonder what you think I am I am no angel, no celestial nymph. Don't be under such illusions I look for her everywhere, the girl I have never found Whose love I can believe in Just suppose I say that my every dream is filled with you You should know this is what I desire That you must be with me for evermore What have you made me believe? How you make my heart race! You melt my body and soul I look for her everywhere, the girl I have never found Whose love I can believe in - Where is that girl? - That girl is here I can't believe it's already time for you to leave Don't worry, I'll be back soon Three months is not soon, and that's this time How long will you be gone next time? Siddharth, have you thought about marriage? What, Ma? - Some other day - Why not now? You won't understand If your mother can't understand you, who else will? Is there someone you like? Sid, what is it? You've never hidden anything from me Yes, but some things you can't talk about There are, but I can see that something's eating away at you Will you bottle it up for ever? I tell you, you won't understand Why not? Try telling me What could there be that I don't have the right to know? What is the matter? You mean Tara Jaiswal? I've seen her many times, but she... When did this start? I won't let you ruin your life. Have you any idea what you're saying? Her of all people? You were right; I wouldn't understand Has she said that she loves you? She's seduced you with her sob story - What did she tell you? - Nothing! She doesn't even know... Your mother is absolutely right Don't ruin your life over me And please don't take away the little peace I have left in my life Siddharth, please go away - Please listen to me - I don't want to hear anything Have I ever made you feel that I love you, or wanted a relationship Then what made you think that you and I might have any such relationship This is the problem with your generation You think anything goes. But that's not so, Siddharth Not just me, you've also hurt your mother Please sit down I caused you and my mother such pain I'm sorry you had to hear all this because of me But it's true that I love you It's also true that I never wanted you to know it Because I knew you wouldn't understand I just want to see you happy And if knowing the truth has caused you pain today all I can say is that it wasn't my intention Please leave now After the workshop I think I'll stay at my uncle's farmhouse It's a good place to paint Will you come with me? I don't want to go without you Just a minute You look very lovely So why are we here? To prove to you that a thing called love exists in this world Don't you ever give up? Shut up and let's go in - Why are we here? - To see a opera - Yes, but why? - You'll know in time The girl is Cressida and the boy is Troilus. They love each other But Troilus must go now. He must go to war for his kingdom Cressida fears something may happen to him Troilus tell her nothing will happen to him This is the soul of Troilus, at Heaven's gate He doesn't want to go inside He implores God for a single day He wants to meet Cressida for the last time To tell her how much he loves her If he is granted that one day he is willing to die a thousand deaths Close your eyes, Akash Think. Who is the one you'd gladly die a thousand deaths to spend a single day with? Who is that one? Not so fast. You still haven't told me who you saw You're sure I saw someone Yes, because for the first time you're talking less and thinking more Then listen I saw her I felt perhaps that is what they call love I wanted to touch her... hold her in my arms I saw such innocence in her eyes Such as I see in your eyes now Her voice has the same magic as your voice I can still sense her breath, as I sense your breath now Who was she? That fat opera singer Shalini, come inside. At once I think you should talk alone - Where were you? - At the opera With Akash? How many times have I told you not to meet him? Will you tell me all my life whom I should and shouldn't meet Right. You will never see Akash again. Got that? I need time to think. So do you Shalini called, she said it's important Rohit, it's Akash. Is Shalini there? She called I know. We are going back, to get married Can I speak to Shalini? Happy news We're going back tomorrow. Can you come for dinner tonight? I don't know. Bye Akash. We didn't think you'd show up They're beautiful. Thanks What will you drink? We can drink later. Let's eat I'm starving Did you tell Uncle Mahesh how you and Akash met? Uncle Mahesh, I don't know what you'd have done if you'd been there What happened? It was the graduation party Shalini was with me and probably Akash didn't know... Sorry for the punch No, Rohit, it was my fault But to tell you the truth I was lucky HOW? I mean, if Shalini was with me and someone had acted fresh I'd have killed him That is, if Shalini was with you You're coming to our wedding, aren't you? I won't make it, there's a lot of work to be done Some friend Anyway, don't forget to invite us to your wedding. We'll be there for sure I'm not getting married To marry, it's essential to love that person In my view this thing called love doesn't exist in this world Shalini and I love each other, that's why we're marrying. Right, Shalini? You shouldn't be asking each other that question, you should ask yourself I'd better go You left your jacket with me the other night Some day I want to tell you why I'm marrying Rohit What's the need to tell me? I need to because we both know when you closed your eyes at the opera, you didn't see the fat singer Loneliness Such blows I have suffered on the path of love All my dreams lie shattered, disappointment clouds over me Even joy is numb My life is lost In exchange for loving you, I am punished Loneliness stretches over miles and miles I dreamt I saw a hand in my hand Now shards of a shattered dream pierce my eyes Someone was here yesterday But today there is no one A venom, a poison taints my every breath Loneliness has filled my eyes with a million tears How could I pin my hopes on something so futile? I set out on a long journey which was cut short Where shall I go now? To whom shall I explain what I had wanted and what fate had in store? Loneliness as deep as the dark night Such blows I have suffered on the path of love All my dreams are shattered, disappointment clouds over me Every joy has become numb My life is lost - Is Sameer home? - Who's calling You want Sameer and you've called Siddharth - How are you? - I'm fine, Aunty He's gone to Kasauli. Give me your number, I'll tell him It's all right, I'll call him How are you, son? Fine, Dad What's wrong? Are you unwell? Nothing like that. I've been working all day Come back, Akash What's wrong, Akash? I've never seen you like this before I'm in love So what's the problem? She's marrying someone else Have you told her you lover her? Does she love you? She does Has she told you? Akash, I think you must tell her how you feel Why not? She's marrying someone else There are many thing that are beyond our understanding When a person decides something, there's a reason for that decision You say she loves you, but is marrying someone else Have you tried to find out why she is doing this? What is the reason for her decision? How's Shalini? Not happy How can she be? She's marrying Rohit, but loves you Did she tell you? Did you tell me that you love her? Then why is she marrying? Rohit's father and Shalini's father were business partners Shalini was six when her parents were killed in a car accident I was her only relative, but I had nothing to my name Rohit's parents took her into their home and their hearts That's why if they want her to marry Rohit she feels she can't refuse What choice has she? One one hand, here are people who have given her the life she has On the other hand, a man who may or may not love her, she doesn't know What are you doing, man? Tell her you love her Akash, only you can decide what to do Tonight there's the party before their wedding tomorrow Whatever you decide, you must decide today Will you marry me? If I tell you I love you? Will you? I love you and only you You are in my every breath, my every heartbeat there is only you, Shalini I'm sure I was born so that I could love you And you were born to become mine You are mine And if you ask your heart, you will know that I speak the truth What's going on? Who is this boy? I'll tell you. This is Akash Malhotra, A.K. Malhotra's son He's been after Shalini, wagging his tail I hit him once I won't spare you now You'll do no such thing. I want to speak to Shalini - No, Rohit. Wait - But, Dad, this is my life Mahesh, I am very hurt today I always considered Shalini as my daughter But now I see she never thought of us as her own She wants to repay her debt to us by marrying Rohit That's fine Shalin, you must repay us For looking after you as a child For giving you whatever you wished For shielding you from the slightest problem Now, if you want to repay us to see us happy marry Akash Can you do this much for me? Take care of her. She is my daughter Just a minute, Dad! You can't do this! Mummy, say something Let her go, Rohit You care about her happiness, but don't give a damn for mine? If Shalini isn't happy with you, how will you ever be happy? This can't happen to me I love Akash He's always refused to say he loved anyone And when he had to, it was in front of 300 people at a wedding party Have you called him? What did he say? He wasn't at home I told you he won't come Can I talk to Sid? How are you? Fine. And you? Forgive me I should apologize, too Some other time; it's my turn today You haven't changed at all It's hard to improve on perfection Where are you? When can we meet? Today. Now. Right away There's no more pain now Nor any fear I like it here It's peaceful You're a fine boy, Siddharth You have always stood by me You want me to be happy, don't you? Then... you be happy... you will, won't you? Life is so strange Some relationships... have no name You and me will always... Look at your ship. It was tiny two years ago, now see how it's grown If you wanted to be alone, you should have told us I'm getting ticked off because of you. I keep telling you, let's go Bring him here tomorrow �he patient's liver is badly damaged. We're keeping her under observation lt's hard to say more right now But you can do something can't you? �he problem is, we cannt do a li�er transplant at short notice If you want to inform her relati�es you may use my phone Sid? �ow are you, buddy? Where are you? I'm at the hospital �ospital? �re you OK? I'm all right What's wrong, then? Just hold on. I'm coming �kash is back in �ombay. I'll bring him along �e won't come Forget what happened. �e'll be �ery happy to know you're here �es, Sameer. What is it? Sameer, you'd better see him. Count me out Right, let bygones be bygones, but.. let's lea�e things as they are I live my life, Sid li�es his See him on your own Sameer, come quickly. Now �ello, Sid? �kash.Sameer. What's wrong? What's the rush? �ow do you like it? �re you mad? Calling at this hour of night. I thought you'd been burgled What do you mean, beautiful, Akash? But Sid, doesn't she remind you of someone? Of whom? Sameer, what do you think? I think everyone looks like someone else But she looks like Miss Kashyap - Our economics teacher? - �es, sir No way �es, I know Miss Kashyap better than you do I used to go to her for tuition �lone, or with other students? What do you think? Just you two? -=DDR=- She does resemble Miss Kashyap, but guess what I'�e got wrong - �er figure - What do you know about that? �xcuse me, I'm looking for Sid Siddharth Sinha - When did you return to Bombay - �his morning What would ha�e happened if I hadn't? �ow is she now? I don't know. lt's too soon to say �nd you. What are you up to now? I'm working with Dad in his computer business Otherwise, e�erything's the same �nd you? Still at your uncle's farmhouse in Poona? �es, it's a nice place. Come some time I certainly will Doo you really mean it? I mean to do lots of things. I'm thinking of getting married I knew you'd be the first of us three to marry �kash is getting married, too �kash? Marriage? I'm not kidding No way! Who to? �he girl who was crazy about him in college? She used to "�kash" so strangely Oh God! Deepa is here �kash, let's dance. We'll make the other couples jealous Go adhead. I'll be right there �hree lifetimes later Sameer, baby, I'm thirsty. Get me a drink �nd dance with Deepa for me While you're at it What are you drawing? Priya, isn't Sameer a long time getting your drink? - �as someone died? - �es, you Did I send you to get a drink or pull other girls? I'm sure you'�e something with her When I went to Panchgani I'd call but you were ne�er at home �ow do you know her? �as someone died? - Who is she? - l don't know �ou must ha�e seen her somewhere �es, I ha�e. Over there Priya, do you know her? Forget it, she's not your type Who cares? I don't plan to marry her May I ask what your type is? Someone who li�es her life and lets me live mine, not too emotional �ou once said you'd met your type of girl, the affair lasted two weeks Two weeks was too long �nyway, I'm off. She'll be a grandma by the time I get there �hink it o�er. I don't see her falling for you Uncle Sam, �kash's magic ne�er fails is the mike leaking? Where did the three go? It's our graduation day. �n important day for us l've decided to sing you a song Now as we're about to enter a new world where we'll be forced to pro�e ourselves, become big people �he song is: � hundred ways to get a job" Relax guys, I was only kidding If people say we're crazy, then let them talk �his time belongs to us We ha�e music. we can sing. �hen why should we hold back? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts - lf the world gets angry - Let it lf the world quarrels, if the world fights We'll sing as we please lf people sulk, if ties are broken, if someone lea�es... let them go Never be scared We are today. Why should our style be old? �here's lightning in our eyes. � storm in our breath What is fear? What is defeat? We don't know what they mean �he earth and sky were created for us l know we can pluck the stars from the sky Sure we can. We li�e beyond the sky We are today. Why should our style be old? �ou know the land of dreams, we were raised there We gi�e our hearts away to many. we can also be shy Mesmerising e�eryone with our magic where�er we go �eaching beauties the art of lo�e We know how to steal a woman's heart and sleep We are today. Why should our style be old? If the world quarrels, if the world fights... let it We'l sing as we please lf people sulk, if ties are broken, if someone lea�es... let them go Never be scared We are today. Why should our style be old? �kash �alhotra - Shalini - � lo�ely name I ha�en't seen you before, you're not from our college No, I'm here with somebody Would you agree to dance with this somebody? - �he fact is that Rohit... - l see, you're Rohit's sister Rohit and I are close friends, he's like a brother Not even if I told you that I lo�e you? �es, Shalini. I love you and only you My e�ery breath, every heartbeat, is filled with you, Shalini I know that I was born to lo�e you �nd you were born to be mine �ou are mine, Shalini. �sk your heart �ou will know I speak the truth Who are you? Don't you recognize your brother Rohit? Rohit? I mean, you're Rohit, too? I thought Shalini was another Rohit's sister �e's o�er there Sameer? �our name's Sameer? So you'�e lied to me. �hat's not good �ou can see for yourself. �e's been lying to me, saying he's Rohit Neither is he Rohit nor Shalini my sister Shalini is my fiancee Sameer, I don't like you being friends with �kash �he way he behaved the other night was so embrassing Let him go his way, keep away from him - But Akash is my friend, Priya - �ave you no other friends? Of course, but... �ou can either be with Akash or me I'm thinking �ou need time to think if you want to be with me? So you need some time? I'm going out. i'll be home by two lf l don't hear from you then I'll know your answer �ren't you taking this too seriously? Not terribly seriously, but if i do... What are you doing? �our bruise is funny colour. Look, Sid You like it? You want one, too? Don't take it out on me. Did I ask you to talk to Shalini? No, but you could have helped me You just sat there. What a friend I'd be better protected with Rohit as a friend God bless your friendship. I'm off - Where to? - �ome - Sit. What's the hurry? - Yes, its only one Where? It's nearly four there I forgot to call Priya Why so scared of Priya? I'm not scared of her. I don't want to hurt her, or lose ner Sameer, how do you tolerate her? She's a boss, not a girlfriend I need help, not your expert comments. What shall I do? What do you think? Call Priya and apologize. Say you will never see �kash again You know I won't do that What if she gets hurts or you lose her? You'll never impro�e, will you? Why make this such a big deal? Call her, talk to her. lt'll be fine I was... listen... you're not... but... I'm trying... I'm at �kash's She hung up Did you expect her to say "Sorry, darling"? �here's a limit to everything. �ell her that tantrums won't work She'll do as you say She's challenged your self-respect. Be a man �e's in for a hiding - Priya? - Give Sameer the phone �e's not been here - l've looked for him since last night - �e hasn't been there? Watch it! I'll lose the other eye - l want to talk to you - No need. I know what you ha�e to say You know? �fter talking to you I had �kash on the line �e said you weren't at his house I can't belie�e this. I never knew you were such a liar I don't want to see your face again Can I help? No problem - God! What's in there? - My things If one case has reduced us to this state... - Only two more - Only two? Let's go � nice place It belongs to the company I work for l'm an interior designer. I'm �ara Jaiswal Siddharth Sinha... Sid What do you do? On Sundays I'm a porter �nd weekdays? Usually when people ask I say the first thing that comes into my head But the truth might interest you You ha�e three paintings among your things. �hat's what I do May I see your paintings? Of course Wheere do you li�e? �he last house down this road. You're welcome any time - Sid, I'm off to the office - Just a minute, �a You can drop me off at Sameer's lt's Anju's wedding anni�ersary today. She'll be upset if you don't come - ls Siddarth at home? - Yes. You are... I am �ara Ma, this is �ara So shall I go? Yes, I'll go later You'll come this e�ening, won't you? - Where? - �o �nju's lt's boring there �here are few places you don't find boring Very well don't come Please sit down I'd like to see your paintings first �he same thing What thing? I've learnt something about you Something I didn't see when we first met What's that? You meet people, you laugh, you talk But there's a world within you that's full of dreams, fantasies You don't share them with anyone I wonder if those who claim to know you really know you at all What makes you say that? �he door is closed, no one can enter �he box is shut, no one can steal anything �he feelings behind those eyelids who can tell what they are? I wonder what other things your paintings hide Perhaps in the way you do What are you looking at? Which painting do you like best? I ha�en't painted that one yet Your face is as white as a sheet lm very angry, because of you I saved your life - You're angry with me? - Sa�ed my life? �bsolutely. lt had to happen. Priya would have left you. You know why? She didn't lo�e you, she lo�ed some other Sameer �e looked like you, but he was someone else. You're not that Sameer You're the Sameer Sid and I know. If you became Priya's Sameer our Sameer would be the loser I ne�er thought of it like that �hen pack your bags, let's go. Sid and I will wait in the car - Go where? - Goa �he heart wants �he heart wants these sparkling days ne�er to end Never to be without our friends May our days be full of sweet words Our evenings dance and our night sing May our time together be always exciting, full of fun May every path we tread offer happiness �he heart wants Our glittering paths are dazzling May this joy and light be ours by right Behind the plant - �re you at this hotel? - We were... we're checking out We've been here a week, ha�en't we? Yes, a week But Akash just got here You ne�er stop joking Deepa, what's your room number? Sid, look o�er there �ear that? Someone's calling my name Go faster, buddy �his is full speed What a stunning place We should spend a week in Goa e�ery year What are you thinking about? �hat ship lt will soon vanish over the horizon We three are like that ship. We'll soon set sail for our destinations Our destinations might not coincide Why are you saying this? We're friends, Sid For Life Of course, but who knows where life will take us? Just imagine. Never mind a week, we may not meet once in ten years �hat won't happen, Sid We were friends, we are friends, we always will be. �lways Shall we go? Deepa must be waiting for you Don't say she must be. She is We told her: �kash will see her at the poolside at eight �ow strange is this journey �ach of us is so unsure where he is destined to go Who knows what the future has in store for us? �he heart wants �hese sparkling days ne�er to end Never to be without our friends May our days be full of sweet words Our evenings dance and our nights sing Deepa, why do you like �kash so much? What do you mean? Sometimes I wonder why we like someone Why do you like him? I don't know... I just do - �ven if you know that he... - Doesn't love me? Yes, e�en then Deepa, you're pretty, intelligent, you can get anyone lf that's true, why can't I ha�e �kash I don't know why But I know if you ever need �kash's help, he'll do all he can for you But you shouldn't hope for things that... See this sand? �he tighter you hold it, the quicker it slips through your fingers Where's your bag? Donated to the hotel? I've decided to stay for a few days Kristine wants me to stay Kristine? �hat girl who... �ear that? Our friend has decided to become a hippie If you hadn't brought me I'd ne�er have met her I'm considering moving there, starting a honey farm Let's go What have I done? �e was better off with Priya Did you ha�e a great time in Goa? Great. �ave you been there? Yes, many years ago. Who's that? �sha. My daughter Where is she? She lives with her father 9th April 1 995. On my birthday My husband gave me a present You do see your daughter, don't you? No �he court doesn't allow me to see my daughter My ex-husband is a �ery rich man. �is lawyers were smart With the help of many witnesses he pro�ed I'm not a good mother, I'm an alcoholic �n irresponsible woman who drinks You're nothing of the sort lf only you were the judge �ell me, what else did you do there? I'd like to paint you Paint me? I'll be back in two minutes �re you going out? Sorry, they called me from the site. �here's a problemZ �ave you thought about your future plans? It's my fault. I'�e always thought I'd give you time, you need more time My pampering has spoilt you �s it is, you won't sign a cheque till I retires Dad, there's more to life than signing cheques �nd what is that "more"? I ha�en't found out yet, but you'll be the first to know �nough of your jokes I've decided to send you to Australia - Cool! �nother holiday? - You'll manage our business there Mum, Dad's joking now No, he's seroius. You'd better become serious, too You are going to Sydney You'll look after the office there Mr. �kash says... What's wrong with Sameer? Nothing. Sameer is fine Fine? �e's shut himself in his room. �e hasn't eaten and won't come out - ls he in Bombay? -Didn't you all return last night? Yes, last night... I'm so forgetful �kash, are you and Sameer on drugs? Of course not. Don't worry, I'll come o�er right away I didn't know what to say to your mother What's happened? I'm in no mood to talk �ow's Kristine? Don't talk about her! Why? What happened? Out with it lt's unhealthy to repress things Two days after you left, I went to the beach to see Kristine It felt so good just me and Kristine I lo�ed her so much �ow happy I was �hat e�ening she came back to the hotel with me I in�ited her in I ne�er imagined what happened next I don't think she was from Switzerland, either Laugh on! �he truck driver who gave me a lift back was more sympathetic You came back in a truck? Do I always sit on a pillow? Ride twelve hours in a truck, you'll see what I mean Ma, this is �r. Shankaran. �e works for �rt India magazine I was saying that a friend in Kasauli runs a painting workshop -Do you think he should go there? - �bsolutely lt will be a very good experience You're a strange boy. �ou invite me, then you're surprised to see me �his is �ara We've met before �ow long will you mourn o�er Kristine? Let me introduce you to these sweet girls Forget it, I'm not in the mood �re you feeling all right? Look. Kristine Do you like it? I like them all lt's difficult to say which is your best I ha�en't painted my best yet - Why not? - You don't ha�e the time �ow can I refuse on such an important day in your life? When shall we start? �omorrow - l'll be right out -No problem What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? �ll colours come ali�e and all fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds Songs, rain Butterflies �hey all bestow favours on me What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? Look! �he banks of a ri�er � bird calls to another bird Look at this river She flows to unite with the sea �hese journeys are all parts of love's cara�an What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? �ow can I tell anyone? �ow can I explain what lo�e is? Lo�e has no attachements Lo�e has no barriers Listen to the extraordinary saga of love What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? �ll colours come ali�e and all fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds Songs, rains, butterflies �hey all now bestow fa�ours on me What season is this in which the heart blossoms like a flower? Sameer, are you going out? �o Akash's. Why? I'll be right back What is it? Nareshji's daughter Pooja is coming We want the two of you to... What? Arranging my marriage? No arranged marriage for me! Why not? Ours was an arranged marriage We're not forcing you We've known them for ages, so why not form a marriage alliance? You lose nothing by meeting Pooja But you know my answer. No Who is it, Sameer? We ha�e something important to discuss lsn't that so? �nyway, they'll be bored with us oldies Your friends? Please sit down �his is Akash and Sid - Looks like deep friendship -Friendship is either deep or 3-D Pooja... do you know why you're here? Yes. Mum and Dad told me �onestly, when �um told me about all this, I didn't like it at all I'm so happy you're against this arranged marriage nonsense People shouldn't marry like this lt's important to love the one you marry. What do you think? Yes, absolutely Why? �re you in love? �here is this guy, but I don't love him enough to marry him yet I feel much the same Not about your guy -�nd then? -What else? She went home It's a problem Please don't tell me you'�e now fallen for her Look, Sameer. I'm sure you've fallen in lo�e with her �nd I'm sure you'll lo�e another girl in three months I thought I knew what love is. �oday I see how wrong I was �kash, when I was talking to Pooja today I suddenly thought of all those girls I was attracted to but I mistook attraction for lo�e �nd now you love Pooja? �hat's the problem. I lo�e Pooja So you should tell her �ake my advice. Say nothing to anyone You're hopeless. �oday it's Pooja, tomorrow it's Ms Another! �ow do you know it's my birhtday You mentioned it I'm so happy today Guess what? �sha called She's coming to see me today My daughter is coming here She's remembered it's my birthday I'll be seeing her after fi�e years. I've cooked e�erything, baked a cake I'm so happy ls �sha coming alone, or with... Oh no. She told him she's going to a friend's birthday party Ajay would ne�er let her come here Would you like to meet her? It'll make me happy You're teaching my daughter to lie. I heard her talking to you. Why don't you stay away from her? I'm her mother You were, but now Kiran is her mother Just get this clear Don't try to meet �sha again, or I'll take you to court again Understand what I'm saying? �e tells me I'm not �sha's mother, she's not my daughter I am her her mother! �e married again �e destroyed my dreams, I said nothing Because I had e�erything I had my Esha But now I have nothing I ha�e nothing at all I am nothing. Nothing at all I am nothing You know, crying doesn't suit you at all What else can I do? You can come with me You must be wondering where Siddharth has brought you No, we'd go anywhere to eat cake Will you dance with me? Where? Right here. Lots of room Sid, you're home You're joking, right? No, he's serious �ave you gone mad? I'm no great expert on lo�e, but isn't this a bit much? -�ecause she's older than me? -No... well, that, too Why are we e�en discussing this nonsense? Because I thought you two would understand Understand what? You say you love a woman who's fifteen years older than you Who has a daughter, who had a husband �as a drinking problem. What must we understand? Just that I lo�e her despite that Sid, this isn't love, it's madness No, this is love I don't expect her to be mine or marry me. I don't hope for that lf she doesn't lo�e me it's OK... I get it Remember, Sameer? �hat's how it started for me What started? Sid, lf that's it I ha�e no objection. In fact she's perfect for you She's experienced, li�es alone. You see her e�ery day Sameer, look and learn. Really, a perfect choice What a dirty mind you ha�e I'm telling you I lo�e her and you make its a dirty joke No one has to approve e�erything to friends do But there's a line in friendship that mustn't be crossed �t some point in life e�eryone experiences true lo�e �hen all the things you say about her age and stuff they don't mean anything, they all seem tri�ial You can't understand it today But one day you'll learn that love isn't rational lt just happens �re you finished? Sameer, are you coming? I still remember that night I ne�er thought things would go that far I couldn't sleep. Next morning I went to see �kash �hese things happen between friends Let's go to Sid. �e must be down, too You're sure to run into him somewhere. What will you do, ignore him? You're coming to meet Sid Lea�e me alone, Sameer I'd like to see Sid �e's gone �o �asauli. �hey called yesterday to say his application was accepted What is it? is everything all right? Of course. I'll be off I didn't realize things would ne�er be the same again You went to Kasauli. � week later �kash left for Australia �ake care of yourself Remember who'll meet you at Sydney airport? Mr. Mehta. relax, Dad, I remember I'll call you from there I wanted to tell you something Just that I always made fun of your endless romantic entanglements I ne�er stopped to think how you'd feel You know I was just kidding, don't you? Don't worry, you weren't the only one who was kidding Remember Shalini? I remember her... and Rohit's fist I knew she was Rohit's fiancee Why didn't you stop me? I said "�i" - Where are you going? - �his flight goes to Sydney But where are you going? - Strange, us three going to Sydney - �hree? You, me and this flight You're crazy! I'm really sorry about that night. I was just kidding What are you doing in Sydney? Dad wants me to look after his office there. Let's see how long it lasts - �nd you? - l'm visting my uncle there �e's not like Rohit, is he? What does he do? �ave you been to Sydney before? Do you always ask so many questions? Yes. �a�e you been to Sydney before? Good, you can show me around Don't you know anyone else there? �here's Mr. Mehta. Won't it be fun hanging out with him? I said I'm sorry I'll ha�e to ask uncle But he won't refuse I ha�e a present for him Stop calling me uncle. We're almost the same age now you've grown up �re you here on business? Dad's exported me to run our export business �xports sound very boring, man I'd prefer something more ad�enturous, like wildlife photography You like photography? Ma says my first word wasn't Papa or �ama, but camera Steve... Satyade� �ehta I've arranged for a car. I'll see to your baggage I'll be off, Shalini. Bye, Manish lf you need anything in Sydney, here's my card. Call me You'd better get some rest. I'll send the dri�er to pick you up tomorrow I'll tell Mr. �ehta Dad wants you to send him a copy of the new contract You're coming to the meeting tomorrow? Can you gi�e me their company file? I'd like to study it before tomorrow I'll send it in right away is there a good restaurant nearby? - �lone in new city can be boring - But you aren't alone Who said i was bored? I ne�er imagined we'd be talking like this one day �specially after what happened �ow is Rohit? Fine. I spoke to him this morning I told him I met you on the flight and... �nd he doesn't like you seeing me? But you're here. Why? You don't know Rohit. �e doesn't like me seeing any man But Rohit's a good guy. �e has a few flaws, haven't we all? �e, you... Me ? Flaws? �ell me about yourself - What do you want know? - Girlfriends? Of course. �hey only last two weeks �hen another. Two weeks later... I understand how your system works, but why? I don't get it I've seen many friends with their sweethearts �hey have e�erything but love for each other �hat's why i'm better off as I am. No question asked, no answer gi�en I don't ask Rohit questions, nor do I demand answers But he asks questions, he demands answers I'm not implying it's always the girl's fault �ll relationships begin with smiles and end in tears So this is the result of an unhappy ending - Now I get the two-week system - Nothing of the sort I've decided not to fall in love and ruin my life But lo�e isn't a matter of decision, it just happens �hen I don't let it happen Give it time, one day it will happen Why? Do you intend to marry me? �ow was your day? �kash is nuts �urn it down, it's my future wife �ow are you? Slightly less drunk than you Did you get my message? Where are you? I went to lunch with �kash I told you not to see him. Why don't you listen to me? �re you yelling at me with friends there? I'm coming there. lt'll take some time, but I'll be there �s you wish, Rohit Pooja, I was nearby, so I thought... lf you aren't doing anything Pooja, I was in the neighbourhood... I'm fine. And you? Subodh, this is Sameer. Sameer, Subodh Waiting for someone? Yes, but it seems they won't show up now - �ny plans after dinner? - No plans Let's go somewhere Sorry, but I go to bed at ten One night won't hurt routine lt's Sunday tomorrow Yes, so I must be up at five and do yoga. �hen some jogging �nd breakfast at eight sharp Sundays we spend the day at Uncle �umar's beach house I'll be right back �ime for his bathroom visit? �e isn't that bad - So where to? - We'll see lf �imetable won't join us, let's go Sure we could If I call you some time... What are we celebrating? You've forgotten. Five months ago on this day I told you how I felt for you �o Subodh and Pooja - �ow was that? - Pretty intense Really, Mahesh. �here were such intense scene in the film, so mo�ing Please cut out the farce and forgi�e me for taking you to such a good film �hat's my problem. I don't like watching good films at all You only like wham-bam action films You can understand them, you needn't use your brains or your heart You need brains for love stories: she sits crying, he sits sighing What's all this lo�ey-do�ey stuff, anyway? You won't get it Wonder why people fall in love Wonder why people are ready to die for someone I wonder why Just think about it. In love there is only sadness �s for the cruelty inflicted by love, it's past counting ln love you need to bow your head ln pain, you still have to smile Why fill your life with pioson? Wonder why people fall in love? Without love, what is there in life? Without love a person is lonely Lo�e brings myriad colours into your life Lo�e adorns your life People fall in lo�e, but don't admit it Wonder why speaking plainly of love scares them Lo�e is unnecessary trouble Lo�e is beautiful in e�ery way We're better off keeping away from lo�e Lo�e in e�ery guise is truth �he man who wades into love's waters neither sinks nor swims Wonder why �veryone, everyone fall in lo�e. Wonder why only you avoid it Wonder why Shalini, why are you so scared of the roller-coaster ride? I'm not scared Only people who aren't right in the head enjoy these rides interesting excuse. �ou need guts to go on a ride No worries, lots of cowards like you are about. �here's one right there It's not like that lf it's not like that, come with me on that ride Why? No guts? I'm late I'm going on that ride. Come with me, or sit here and get bored �bsolutely no guts �urry! �he train! Really, Shalini, you scared that old man - �ow was it? - Great. �hey like my work �nd they want me to go back �hat's wonderful When do you go back? I've just returned and you ask when I'm going? Did you talk to Sameer? No. Why? �e came over the morning you left. �e looked worried - What did he say? - Nothing You're back - �ow are you? �ow was it? - Great! �ow are you? It's a long syory. Let's go up and talk So that's the situation You're good friends, you meet, but you haven't told her how you feel I've tried �ery hard But the words just don't come out �adn't she a boyfriend? She had. Not any more I don't know what Pooja saw in him. �e was all right, but what a bore One day I went for a drive with them �hat's where l met Pooja for the first time, on 1 5th September �xactly se�en days later, on the 22nd, we come here to have ice-cream Do you remember what time it was? Of course. Fi�e fifty-fi�e precisely �hat's not all. �e bought her a balloon e�ery day �eart-shaped ones, like you can buy in the street �hat's OK, but e�ery day? �very day... a balloon I knew the guy was deranged If you love Pooja so much. why ha�en't you told her? I was afraid. What if Pooja says no? I'd lose our friendship I'd be all alone You weren't here. Neither was �kash You're back, and I feel stronger knowing you're here I'm always here for you, Sameer �hen shall I tell her today? �ell her Pooja, I must talk to you I wonder what if our parents hadn't tried to arrange our marriage? If we hadn't met the way we did? If I'd met you somewhere, would we be as we are now? If we weren't as we are, how would we be? If we thought differently of each other, what would happen? Now what's happening What am I saying? You're saying lots of ifs What is it, Sameer? It's just that, Pooja... I've fallen in love with you I agree we don't know each other �ery well But the love you're seeking I understand such a lo�e lf you trust me at all, believe me, I am telling the truth I look for her e�erywhere, the girl I have ne�er found Whose lo�e I can belie�e in. Where is that girl? She who loves me alone. She must be ready to say it You are the one who has my heart. Where is that girl? She who lives in your dreams is the beautiful picture of love You will find her some day. Keep your eyes open Let's go in search for her. �his angel, this dainty damsel Once you see her, you will say: "Ah! She is right here" I wonder why this thought crossed my mind Could you be that dream girl? You ha�e all the graces and delights that I have looked fo e�erywhere I think you are deluded. I wonder what you think I am I am no angel, no celestial nymph. Don't be under such illusions I look for her e�erywhere, the girl I have ne�er found Whose lo�e I can belie�e in Just suppose I say that my every dream is filled with you You should know this is what I desire �hat you must be with me for evermore What have you made me belie�e? �ow you make my heart race! You melt my body and soul I look for her e�erywhere, the girl I have ne�er found Whose lo�e I can belie�e in - Where is that girl? - �hat girl is here I can't belie�e it's already time for you to lea�e Don't worry, I'll be back soon �hree months is not soon, and that's this time �ow long will you be gone next time? Siddharth, have you thought about marriage? What, Ma? - Some other day - Why not now? You won't understand If your mother can't understand you, who else will? is there someone you like? Sid, what is it? You'�e ne�er hidden anything from me Yes, but some things you can't talk about �here are, but I can see that something's eating away at you Will you bottle it up for e�er? I tell you, you won't understand Why not? �ry telling me What could there be that I don't ha�e the right to know? What is the matter? You mean �ara Jaiswal? I've seen her many times, but she... When did this start? I won't let you ruin your life. �a�e you any idea what you're saying? �er of all people? You were right; I wouldn't understand �as she said that she lo�es you? She's seduced you with her sob story - What did she tell you? - Nothing! She doesn't e�en know... Your mother is absolutely right Don't ruin your life over me �nd please don't take away the little peace I ha�e left in my life Siddharth, please go away - Please listen to me - l don't want to hear anything �ave I ever made you feel that I lo�e you, or wanted a relationship �hen what made you think that you and I might ha�e any such relationship �his is the problem with your generation You think anything goes. But that's not so, Siddharth Not just me, you'�e also hurt your mother Please sit down I caused you and my mother such pain I'm sorry you had to hear all this because of me But it's true that I love you It's also true that I never wanted you to know it Because I knew you wouldn't understand I just want to see you happy �nd if knowing the truth has caused you pain today all I can say is that it wasn't my intention Please lea�e now �fter the workshop I think I'll stay at my uncle's farmhouse lt's a good place to paint Will you come with me? I don't want to go without you Just a minute You look �ery lo�ely So why are we here? �o pro�e to you that a thing called love exists in this world Don't you e�er gi�e up? Shut up and let's go in - Why are we here? - �o see a opera - Yes, but why? - You'll know in time �he girl is Cressida and the boy is �roilus. �hey lo�e each other But �roilus must go now. �e must go to war for his kingdom Cressida fears something may happen to him �roilus tell her nothing will happen to him �his is the soul of �roilus, at �ea�en's gate �e doesn't want to go inside �e implores God for a single day �e wants to meet Cressida for the last time �o tell her how much he loves her If he is granted that one day he is willing to die a thousand deaths Close your eyes, Akash �hink. Who is the one you'd gladly die a thousand deaths to spend a single day with? Who is that one? Not so fast. �ou still ha�en't told me who you saw You're sure I saw someone Yes, because for the first time you're talking less and thinking more �hen listen I saw her I felt perhaps that is what they call lo�e I wanted to touch her... hold her in my arms I saw such innocence in her eyes Such as I see in your eyes now �er voice has the same magic as your �oice I can still sense her breath, as I sense your breath now Who was she? �hat fat opera singer Shalini, come inside. At once I think you should talk alone - Where were you? - �t the opera With Akash? �ow many times ha�e I told you not to meet him? Will you tell me all my life whom I should and should't meet Right. You will ne�er see Akash again. Got that? I need time to think. So do you Shalini called, she said it's important Rohit, it's Akash. ls Shalini there? She called I know. We are going back, to get married Can I speak to Shalini? �appy news We're going back tomorrow. Can you come for dinner tonight? I don't know. �ye �kash. We didn't think you'd show up �hey're beautiful. �hanks What will you drink? We can drink later. Let's eat I'm starving Did you tell Uncle Mahesh how you and �kash met? Uncle Mahesh, I don't know what you'd ha�e done if you'd been there What happened? It was the graduation party Shalini was with me and probably �kash didn't know... Sorry for the punch No, Rohit, it was my fault But to tell you the truth I was lucky �ow? I mean, if Shalini was with me and someone had acted fresh I'd ha�e killed him �hat is, if Shalini was with you You're coming to our wedding, aren't you? I won't make it, there's a lot of work to be done Some friend �nyway, don't forget to invite us to your wedding. We'll be there for sure I'm not getting married �o marry, it's essential to love that person ln my view this thing called love doesn't exist in this world Shalini and I love each other, that's why we're marrying. Right, Shalini? You shouldn't be asking each other that question, you should ask yourself I'd better go You left your jacket with me the other night Some day I want to tell you why I'm marrying Rohit What's the need to tell me? I need to because we both know when you closed your eyes at the opera, you didn't see the fat singer Loneliness Such blows I have suffered on the path of love �ll my dreams lie shattered, disappointment clouds over me �ven joy is numb My life is lost In exchange for loving you, I am punished Loneliness stretches o�er miles and miles I dreamt I saw a hand in my hand Now shards of a shattered dream pierce my eyes Someone was here yesterday But today there is no one � �enom, a poison taints my e�ery breath Loneliness has filled my eyes with a million tears �ow could I pin my hopes on something so futile? I set out on a long journey which was cut short Where shall I go now? �o whom shall I explain what I had wanted and what fate had in store? Loneliness as deep as the dark night Such blows I have suffered on the path of love �ll my dreams are shattered, disappointment clouds over me �very joy has become numb My life is lost - ls Sameer home? - Who's calling You want Sameer and you've called Siddharth - �ow are you? - l'm fine, Aunty �e's gone to �asauli. Gi�e me your number, I'll tell him lt's all right, I'll call him �ow are you, son? Fine, Dad What's wrong? �re you unwell? Nothing like that. I'�e been working all day Come back, Akash What's wrong, Akash? I've ne�er seen you like this before I'm in lo�e So what's the problem? She's marrying someone else �ave you told her you lover her? Does she lo�e you? She does �as she told you? �kash, I think you must tell her how you feel Why not? She's marrying someone else �here are many thing that are beyond our understanding When a person decides something, there's a reason for that decision You say she loves you, but is marrying someone else �ave you tried to find out why she is doing this? What is the reason for her decision? �ow's Shalini? Not happy �ow can she be? She's marrying Rohit, but lo�es you Did she tell you? Did you tell me that you love her? �hen why is she marrying? Rohit's father and Shalini's father were business partners Shalini was six when her parents were killed in a car accident I was her only relati�e, but I had nothing to my name Rohit's parents took her into their home and their hearts �hat's why if they want her to marry Rohit she feels she can't refuse What choice has she? One one hand, here are people who ha�e given her the life she has On the other hand, a man who may or may not love her, she doesn't know What are you doing, man? �ell her you lo�e her �kash, only you can decide what to do �onight there's the party before their wedding tomorrow Whate�er you decide, you must decide today Will you marry me? If I tell you I love you? Will you? I lo�e you and only you You are in my e�ery breath, my e�ery heartbeat there is only you, Shalini I'm sure I was born so that I could love you �nd you were born to become mine You are mine �nd if you ask your heart, you will know that I speak the truth What's going on? Who is this boy? I'll tell you. �his is �kash �alhotra, �.K. �alhotra's son �e's been after Shalini, wagging his tail I hit him once I won't spare you now You'll do no such thing. I want to speak to Shalini - No, Rohit. Wait - But, Dad, this is my life Mahesh, I am �ery hurt today I always considered Shalini as my daughter But now I see she ne�er thought of us as her own She wants to repay her debt to us by marrying Rohit �hat's fine Shalin, you must repay us For looking after you as a child For gi�ing you whate�er you wished For shielding you from the slightest problem Now, if you want to repay us to see us happy marry �kash Can you do this much for me? �ake care of her. She is my daughter Just a minute, Dad! You can't do this! Mummy, say something Let her go, Rohit You care about her happiness, but don't gi�e a damn for mine? If Shalini isn't happy with you, how will you e�er be happy? �his can't happen to me I lo�e Akash �e's always refused to say he lo�ed anyone �nd when he had to, it was in front of 300 people at a wedding party �ave you called him? What did he say? �e wasn't at home I told you he won't come Can I talk to Sid? �ow are you? Fine. �nd you? Forgi�e me I should apologize, too Some other time; it's my turn today You ha�en't changed at all lt's hard to impro�e on perfection Where are you? When can we meet? �oday. Now. Right away �here's no more pain now Nor any fear I like it here lt's peaceful You're a fine boy, Siddharth You ha�e always stood by me You want me to be happy, don't you? �hen... you be happy... you will, won't you? Life is so strange Some relationships... ha�e no name You and me will always... Look at your ship. lt was tiny two years ago, now see how it's grown If you wanted to be alone, you should have told us l'm getting ticked off because of you. I keep telling you, let's go Mister Sinha, this is a case of liver cirrhosis The liver is badly damaged. The patient is under observation lt's difficult to say anything yet But, you can do something? The problem is, we can't do a liver transplant...on such short notice If you wish to inform her family or relatives you may use my phone Hey buddy, how are you? Where are you? I'm at the hospital Hospital! Are you okay? Ya, I'm OK So, what's wrong then? Just hang in there. I'm coming By the way, Akash is back in Bombay. I'll bring him along He won't come Don't be silly.Forget what happened He'll be very happy to know you're here. Ya Sameer, tell me Maybe you should go meet him alone. I don't want to come. You are right. Let bygones be bygones... But what's happening now isn't wrong either, is it? I am living my life and Sid his I really think you should go meet him alone Sameer, come home quickly. Now. At once Sameer! Akash! What's wrong? What's the rush? How do you like it? Have you gone mad? On the phone you sounded like somebody's broken into your house! What do you mean beautiful! ? But Sid...don't you think she resembles someone? Resembles whom? What do you think, Sameer? I think everybody resembles some one or the other. But she resembles Miss. Kashyap Our Economics teacher? Yes, sir. Our Economics teacher No man! Ya man. I know Miss.Kashyap better than you Tuitions... I used to go to her for tuitions At these tuitions, were there other students or just the two of you? What do you think? - Just the two of you? You are right, Akash She does resemble Miss.Kashyap. But guess where l've messed up? You've got her figure wrong What do you know about her figure? I'm looking for Sid Sinha... Siddharth Sinha When did you return to Bombay? -This morning. Can't imagine what 'd have happened if I wasn't here How is she now? Don't know. lt's hard to say Tell me about you. What're you up to these days? I'm working with Dad in his computer business Everything else is the same... And you? Still at your uncle's place in Poona? Ya. it's a very nice. You must come there sometime Definitely man Are you just saying that or do you really intend on coming? I intend on doing a lot of things ...like getting married I always knew that the first to ge married among us three would be you Guess what! So is Akash What! Akash ! Getting married! ? That's funny I'm not kidding! No way! But to whom? That girl who was crazy about him in college? Don't you remember her? She used to say Akash's name in that peculiar way! God! Deepa is coming here! Akash, let's dance. lt'll make the other couples jealous Sure! Why not! Go ahead. I'll be right with you In three lifetimes from now Sameer, please get me a drink. I'm ever so thirsty And throw in a dance or two with Deepa while you're at it What're you sketching? Priya, isn't Sameer taking too long to get your drink? Did somebody just die? - Yes...you! Did I send you to get a drink or chat up other girls! I'm sure you have something going on with her I remember you were never home when I was away on holiday You've got it all wrong, Priya How do you know her? Did somebody just die? Who is she? - l don't know You must have seen her somewhere! That I have. - Where? She's over there Priya, do you know her? Forget it man. She doesn't seem your type I don't plan on marrying her! Big deal about my type And may I know what your type is? One who lives her life and lets me live mine Someone not overtly emotional Oh, I remember. You once met such a girl The affair lasted for two weeks! That itself was too much Anyway, I'm off or she'll have had grandchildren by the time I get there Think about it. I don't see her biting the hook lt's called the good-ole Akash charm and it never fails is the mike leaking., where has 3 gone? Today, on this all important graduation day... I have decided to sing a song And because we are stepping into a new world where the responsibility to be somebody will be thrust on us... The title of the song is: "A hundred ways to get a job" Relax guys! I was only kidding! If people say....that we are crazy, then let them We don't give a damn about what they think When we can play music When we can sing... Then why should we hesitate? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts If the world gets angry... - Let it be angry lf the world quarrels... - Let it quarrel lf the world fights... -Just it fight. Just keep right on singing lf the world sulks... - Let it sulk lf ties are broken... - Let them break lf someone leaves you... - Let them go Don't ever be afraid We are today. Why should our style be old? There's lightning in our eyes. A storm in our breath What's fear, what's defeat? We don't know what they mean The earth and sky, are created for us I'm sure we could even pluck the stars out of the night Our abode is beyond the sky We are today. Why should our style be old? We have been raised in the land of dreams We can be as shy as we are openly affectionate Mesmerising everybody wherever we go teaching you lovely women the art of love We know how to steal a woman's heart and her sleep We are today. Why should our style be old? If people say... ...that we are crazy, then let them We don't give a damn about what they think When we can play music When we can sing... Then why should we hesitate? We will sing the melody that's in our hearts lf the world gets angry... - Let it be angry lf the world quarrels.. - Let it quarrel lf the world fights... - Let it fight Just keep right on singing lf the world sulks... - Let it sulk lf ties are broken... - Let them break lf someone leaves you... - Let them go Don't ever be afraid We are today. Why should our style be old? Shalini...that's a lovely name I haven't seen you before. You're not from our college You're right. I'm here with somebody And now would you say yes to dancing with this somebody? The fact is that Rohit... Rohit! Okay! So you are Rohit's sister? No. Actually I... Rohit and I are very good friends. Why, he's more like a brother Not even if I told you that I love you? Yes, Shalini. I love you and only you My every breath every heartbeat every moment, is for you, Shalini I'm sure that I was born so that I could love you And you were born to become mine You are mine, Shalini And if you ask your heart you will know that I speak the truth. Who are you? Don't you recognize your brother Rohit? You are Rohit? I mean, you too are Rohit? I thought Shalini was that other Rohit's sister. Look, he's over there Sameer...! Your name is Sameer? So you've being lying to me all along! That's really wrong of you What can I say now... You can see for yourself He got me to believe that his name was Rohit Neither is he Rohit nor Shalini my sister Shalini is my fiancee Fiancee...! I don't like you being friends with Akash at all His behaviour the other night... You know how embarrassed I was? Let him do what he wants. Just keep away from him But Akash is my friend, Priya! Like you don't have any other friends? Yes, I do... But he... Just decide, Sameer. You can either be with Akash or me! I am thinking... You need time to think if you want to be with me! Okay. So you want some time? No! I'm going out with friends. I'll be back by 2.00 lf l don't hear from you before that, I'll know what your answer is Don't you think you are over-reacting? No You've never seen me over-react. If I do...then God help you! What are you doing! Your bruise has turned a strange colour. Have you seen it, Sid? I'm glad you like it! Do you want one? Hey! Don't get that anger out on me man Did I ask you to speak to Shalini? No. But you could've at least helped me. You just sat there! Such a true friend! I think I'd be better off befriending Rohit I'd at least get some protection! May God bless your unity. I'm off. Where to? -Home. Why? What's the hurry? Right, Sameer? Ya, man, chill. it's only 1O' clock ln which country? It's nearly 4 here! I forgot to call Priya! Why are you so scared of Priya? I'm not scared of her I don't want to hurt her or lose her Sameer, I can't understand how you tolerate her She seems more a boss than a girlfriend! Akash, I'm asking for help, not your expert comments What should I do? What do you think? I'll tell you what. Call Priya and apologise Tell her you will never meet Akash again You know I won't do that! What if she gets hurt... What if you lose her! You'll never improve, will you Why are you turning this into such an issue? Just call her, talk to her. It'll all be okay The thing is...but listen... You're not ...but I...what I'm saying... I'm at Akash's She hung up What did you expect? She'll say Sorry darling! Enough is enough, Sameer. Listen to me Just go there and tell her these tantrums won't work lf she wants to be with you, she must follow your wishes She's challenged your self-respect, buddy What are you doing? Be a man! That's exactly what I'm going to do. - That's the way to go! He's dead! Oh, Priya? - Please give Sameer the phone But Sameer hasn't come here. I too am looking for him since last night What? Didn't he come there? Careful man! Only this eye is working We need to talk There's no need for that. I know what you have to say You know? - Yes I spoke to Akash after our talk Right! And? He said you weren't at his house Stop pretending! I can't believe I did this to myself I never knew you were such a liar I don't want to see your face ever again! Could I be of any assistance? It's not a problem at all Oh God ! What's in here? - My things Hang on. I'll get it from this side If just one suitcase has reduced us to this condition, then... There's only two more like this ls that all? Just two more? Let's go It's a nice house It belongs to the company I work for l am an interior designer... Tara Jaiswal What do you do? I work as a porter on Sundays And the rest of the week? Normally if anyone asks me that, I say anything that pops into my head But I'll tell you the truth because I think it might be of interest to you I don't quite understand? I mean you have three paintings in your luggage and that's my vocation May I see your paintings? Of course Where do you live? The last house down this road. You can come whenever you wish Sid, I'm going to the office. - Just a minute, Ma I'm coming along. Just drop me off at Sameer's By the way, it's Anju's wedding anniversary today She'll be very disappointed if you don't come is Siddharth home? - Yes You are...? - l am Tara Ma, this is Tara Well, I'd better be going Ya, you go ahead, I'll go myself. All right. But you are coming this evening, aren't you? Where? - To Anju's! Mom, I get extremely bored there There are very few places in this world where you don't get bored Fine ! Have it your way. Please have a seat I'd like to see your paintings first The same theme here too What theme? I have learnt something about you today Something I couldn't see at our first meeting What's that? The thing is, you meet people, talk to them, laugh... But there's a world within you full of dreams, of fantasies that you don't share with anyone I wonder if those, who claim to know you really know you at all What makes you say that? The door is not open... Entry is forbidden... The box is tightly bound... No one can steal anything... And who can tell what feelings reflect behind those shut eyelids... I wonder what other secrets your paintings hide within them... Or within you perhaps Why are you looking at me like that? Anyway, which do you think is your best? I have yet to create that one Look at your face! White as a sheet! Look, I am very angry right now and all because of you Hey! I saved your life and you are angry with me? Saved my life? - Absolutely! This was bound to happen Priya would've left you tomorrow if not today. Know why? Because she didn't love you, she loved some other Sameer He looked like you but was someone else You are not that Sameer. You are the Sameer I know, Sid knows... And Priya could only hope to know lf you became that Sameer, our this Sameer would be defeated! I never thought of it like that.. - l know Then pack your bags and let's go Sid and I are waiting for you in the car Where are we going? - Goa! Goa...? ! The heart wants... The heart wants... May these sparkling days never end The heart wants... May we never have to be without our friends May our days be full of poetry our evenings dance and nights sing. May our time together always be fun and exciting May every path we tread bring us happiness The heart wants... May these sparkling days never end The heart wants... May we never have to be without our friends Our paths dazzle with their glitter May this joy and light be ours by right Where's Akash? There...behind the plant Are you guys staying here too? Not are...we were. We are checking out We've been staying here for a week. Isn't that right, guys? Yes, we've been here for a week But Akash just got here today. - Yes. I got here today Akash! It's nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humour! Hey Sid, look over there! Sid, did you hear that? Someone's calling out my name Go faster, buddy. Faster This is the top speed What an amazing place! We should come to Goa every year, for a week at least What say, Sid? What are you thinking? I'm looking at that ship that's about to disappear over the horizon The three of us are like that ship Soon, we'll set out looking for our destinations.... ...and it might just be that our destinations are different I don't understand why you're saying all this Sid, we are all friends for life Of course we are But who knows where life will take each one of us Ever wondered, let alone come here every year for a week... lt may be difficult to meet even once in 10 years That won't happen, Sid We were, are and will be friends. Always Anyway, shall we go? Deepa must be waiting for you Don't say must be waiting. She is! I told her Akash will meet her by the poolside at 8 sharp! How strange is this journey! If you just think... Each one of us is so unaware of where he is destined to go of what the future holds for each of us The heart wants... May these sparkling days never end The heart wants... May we never have to be without our friends May our days be full of poetry our evenings dance and nights sing May our time together always be fun and exciting May every path we tread bring us happiness Our paths dazzle with their glitter May this joy and light be ours by right Deepa, why do you like Akash so much? What do you mean? Sometimes I wonder why we like and want someone Why do you like him? I don't know... I just do Even knowing that Akash... - ...doesn't love me Yes...then too Deepa you are a good-looking, intelligent girl. You can get anyone you want... ln that case, why can't I have Akash! I don't know that... But I do know that if you're ever in trouble, And need Akash's help or support, he'll do whatever he can for you. But Deepa, you shouldn't hope for things that... Take a look at this sand The tighter you try to grip it the faster it slips through your fingers Have you donated your bag to the hotel? Actually, I've decided to stay back for a few days What? Er... Kristine wants me to stay for some more time Kristine? ...that girl who... Sid! Are you listening? Our friend has decided to become a hippie! If you hadn't brought me here, I'd have never met her She's Swiss. I was wondering... why not go there and start a bee farm. Swiss honey is world famous... Let's go Akash What have I done! He was better off with Priya One more thing... Please don't call my house till I get back So, did you have fun in Goa? It was great. Have you been there? Yes. Many years ago Whose photographs are these? Esha...my daughter Oh, I haven't met her. Where is she? She lives with her father 9th April 95...exactly on my birthday... My husband gave me a gift... You do meet your daughter, don't you? No The Court doesn't permit me to meet my daughter Why? My ex-husband is a very rich man His lawyers were very smart and capable With the help of many false witnesses, he proved that I am not a good mother. That I'm an alcoholic An irresponsible woman who drinks You're nothing like that! Oh for you to have been the judge! Anyway, what else did you do there? I'd like to paint you Paint me? Be back in two minutes Are you going somewhere? Sorry, I have to go I just got a call from the site. There's a problem Have you given any thought to your future? No I know it's my fault I always thought, I'd give you some time... You needed it. It's my pampering that has spoilt you lf this goes on... You'll definitely have signed a cheque till my retirement Dad, there are more things to life than signing cheques Really! And what are these things? I don't know yet but the moment I do, you'll be the first to know I have had enough of your jokes I've decided that you will go to Australia Cool! Another holiday? You'll manage our business there Mom, Dad's joking now No, Akash. Dad is serious and you better be serious too You are going to Sydney And you will manage the office there Sameerji's Mummyji is on the phone Akash Baba says that... Yes, Aunty What's wrong with Sameer? Nothing's wrong with Sameer. He's perfectly OK What OK! ? He's shut himself in his room He hasn't eaten and just doesn't come out Sameer is in Bombay? Didn't you all come back last night Yes, Aunty. lt was last night but... I'm so distracted now... Akash, are you and Sameer on drugs? Of course not, Aunty. Don't worry. I'll be there right away The least you could've done was call. I didn't know what to say to your Mom What's happened to you? I'm in no mood to talk now Okay. How's Kristine? Don't even mention her name in front of me! Why? What happened? Get it off your chest lt's not good for health to suppress such emotions Well, after the two of left the other day... I met Kristine on the beach It felt so good... Just Kristine and me... I loved her so much... How happy I was... We watched the sunset and she came back to the hotel with me I invited her in I could never have imagined what happened next I don't think she was from Switzerland either I'm glad to have amused you guys! That truck driver who gave me a ride to Bombay was far more sympathetic! You came back in a truck! ? What did you think? That I sit on this pillow every day? I'm pissed off travelling 12 hours in a truck Mother, he is Mr.Shankaran. Art India magazines. I was telling Siddharth about my friend who lives in Kasauli He hosts a painting workshop every year And you feel that he must go there Absolutely lt'll be a very good experience for him Oh, you're here! You're a strange boy! you invite me and act surprised when I come. Ma, this is Tara! Tara Jaiswal. You introduced us before How long will you go around with that glum face... Come. Let me introduce you to these sweet girls Forget it man. I'm not in the mood Are you fine? Look... Kristine! Do you like it? I like them all lt's difficult to say which one is your best I haven't painted my best yet Why not? You don't seem to have the time? On such a big day in your life I've to agree to your wish. Tell me, when you will start my painting? Tomorrow Wait, I'll be out in a minute. - No problem What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower. What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower. ...in which the colours merge and all the fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds... Songs, rain and butterflies... They all seem favourable to me What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Oh look! Banks of a river... A bird calls out to another bird Look, at the river itself... She flows on to unite with the sea All these journeys are part of love's caravan What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Oh how can I explain... How can I make you understand what love is! There are no attachments in love And neither are there any barriers Love's saga is extraordinary What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower ..in which all the colours merge and all the fragrances blend Moonlight, brooks and clouds... Songs, rain and butterflies... They all seem favourable to me What season is this in which the heart blooms like a flower Greetings, Aunty. Are you going out, Sameer? Ya, to Akash's... Why? I'll be back Mom! What's the matter? The fact is, Nareshji's daughter Pooja is coming here And we want the two of you to... What! Fixing my marriage...! An arranged marriage! No, Mom. Not for me Why not? Your Daddy and I had an arranged marriage Listen to me. We are not forcing you to get married We have known them for years And we thought we'd turn friendship into a marriage alliance You don't lose anything by meeting Pooja, do you? Okay. But you know my answer. And that's NO! Who is it, Sameer? Er... Sameer, we have something important to discuss Nareshji, is that all right? Anyway, they'll get bored sitting with us oldies Are they your friends? Please sit down This is Akash and this is Sid Seems like a deep friendship Either the friendship is deep or it's a 3-D photograph Pooja, you do know why you're here, don't you? Yes. Mom and Dad told me Look, honestly speaking... When Mom told me about this... I felt it wasn't right at first but now... I'm so happy you said no to this arranged marriage bullshit! I think marriages shouldn't be made like this lt's so important to love somebody to get married What do you think? Yes, absolutely Why? Are you in love with someone? There is this guy in my life But I guess I don't love him enough so far to marry him I pretty much feel the same but not about the guy in your life! And then? Then what! She went home lt's a problem man Please don't tell me you've fallen for her after all this! Look, Sameer... I have no doubt whatsoever you have fallen in love with her But I'm equally sure that after 3 months you'll be in love with some other girl No, Akash I always thought I knew what love was I realized today that I was completely wrong ls that so! Akash, when Pooja told me about that guy in her life ... For the first time I thought about all those girls in my life... I was attracted to all of them... But I was wrong to think the attraction was love And now you love Pooja? Yes. That's it! I love Pooja Then tell her Take my advice. Don't say anything to anyone There's no trusting you Today it's Pooja, tomorrow it'll be some Ahuja! How did you know it's my birthday? Didn't you mention it? I am so happy today Guess what? Esha called me She is coming to see me today My daughter is coming here... Sid, she remembered it's my birthday today I'll be seeing her after 5 years! I've cooked everything myself. I baked a cake I'm so happy ls Esha coming alone or your... Oh no. She told him she's going to a friend's birthday party... Because Ajay will never let her come here Would you like to meet her? It'll make me happy How dare you teach my daughter to lie? Have you no shame? Thank God I heard Esha talk to you over the phone Why don't you stay away from her? I am her mother! You were her mother but now Kiran is her mother lt'd be wise of you to understand this Don't ever try to meet Esha again Not unless you want me to take you to court... again You understand what I'm getting at, don't you? He tells me I am not Esha's mother! That Esha is not my daughter! I am her mother... He married again He destroyed all my dreams. I said nothing Because I had everything... I had my Esha But now... I have nothing I have nothing at all I am nothing. Nothing. You know, crying doesn't suit you at all What else can I do! You can come with me You two must be wondering where Siddharth has brought you! No such thing. We'd go anywhere to eat cake Will you dance with me? Where? - Right here there's lot of space, come. Sid, we've reached your house What? You're joking, right? Hey Akash, he's serious man! Have you gone mad? Sid, my knowledge of such things is a bit sad but this is a but much, isn't it? is that because she's older? No. I mean that too Wait a minute! Why are we even discussing this nonsense? Because I thought that may be you guys would understand Hey Sid! Understand what? You say you love a woman who is 10 to 15 years older than you has a daughter, had a husband You've told us she has a drinking problem What should we understand? - Just this... I know all this and still love her But Sid, think about it. This isn't love, it's insanity No. This is love I don't expect her to be mine or marry me I don't expect any such thing Even if she doesn't love me, it's okay because I... okay! I get it Remember, Sameer? Even I had started off like this Started what off? Oh. Of course. Okay, Sid. lf that's what it's about then I have no objection ln fact she's perfect for you She's experienced, lives alone. You visit her everyday Learn from him, Sameer Really, Sid. You couldn't have chosen better... How disgusting can you get! Here I am telling you I love her and you make it sound so sick and dirty We don't have to approve everything our friends do But there is a line in every friendship that shouldn't be crossed And you have crossed it today At some point in life everyone experiences true love Then all the things you said... about her age and stuff... They don't mean anything. They all seem trivial You won't understand this today But some day you will know... You don't decide to fall in love lt just happens Are you finished? Sameer, are you coming? I still remember that night I never thought things would go that far I couldn't sleep all night I went and met Akash the next morning These things happen between friends Let's go meet Sid. He must be feeling bad too You're sure to run into him somewhere What'll you do? Ignore him? You're coming to meet Sid Leave me alone, Sameer! I have to see Sid He's gone Where? - Kasauli They called yesterday to say his application was accepted. So he... What is it, Sameer? is everything alright? Of course. I should go I didn't realise that things would never be the same again You went to Kasauli... A week later, Akash left for Australia Take care of yourself You remember the name of the man who'll receive you in Sydney? Mr.Mehta... Relax, Dad. I remember Bye. I'll call you from there I must tell you something -What's it? I always made fun of your endless romantic entanglements Never stopped to think how you must feel You know I was just kidding, don't you? Don't worry about it You weren't the only one who was kidding You remember Shalini? I remember Shalini... And Rohit's punch as well l knew she was Rohit's fiancee Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you stop me? Three hundred and fifty years? Ah huh, give or take. Elizabeth I was queen and my ancestor was a Captain in her royal guard. Probably the reason she never got married. She knighted him for bravery later made him a Lord. He must have been very good indeed. A family legend. Just how much money does your family have? Something wrong? You're not going to peel it for me? I could. Would you? Now you're not trying to start something you don't intend to finish again, are you? Oh I believe that was you the last time. Well I won't be this time. What was that? Nothing. Now where were we? Wow, it's a good thing we don't do that everyday. Oh I don't know, it felt pretty good to me. Where are we? Stuck down a hole. Or someone's coffin. I haven't seen many like him around here before. Looks like a pirate. That's just what I was thinking. What's he doing here? Hey! - Oh I don't believe it. - It couldn't be? Nice shooting Marguerite. Careful it could be booby trapped. You're right you better open it. It would be my pleasure. At the dawn of the last century A band of explorers searched for a prehistoric world Driven by ambition Secret desires A thirst for adventure And seeking the ultimate story They are befriended by an untamed beauty Stranded in a strange and savage land Each day is a desperate search for a way out... of the Lost World We're going to need the others to get it back to the treehouse. What is it? Death to all and any who touch my... plunder... - Captain Bonny. - Very funny. Is it? Well, what else was he going to write 'help yourself'? I say we dig a hole for the Captain and his... treasure and leave them both right here. Bury the good Captain if you like but the... treasure is going back to the treehouse. What for? You can't spend any of it... until you find a way off this plateau. It's perfectly safe right where it is. Afraid of a little curse? It's just dead weight to carry around Marguerite. And quite frankly who needs the exercise hmmm? There's got to be a shovel around here somewhere. Roxton the treasure is going back... to the treehouse whether you help me or I get the others. And how are you going to get it out of here if I don't give you a hand? And what are you going to do, leave me here? Once I know where it is, I can come back and get it any time I like. Just trying to save you a little work. Roxton's right, we don't need a pile of stolen treasure lying around here. - Look at these priceless artifacts. - This stuff belongs in a museum. Not to mention a private auction. Discoveries like these are all part of the expedition. Anybody could have found the chest in the pit. Its better we keep it here. I sure would like to find out where it came from. Now that is a mystery that deserves to be investigated. Did it come from a ship? And if so, why was it dragged all the way up on to the plateau? I still say: put it back. Yes well you've already raised your objections... and we voted on it. You and Roxton lost. Democracy in action. Look at this Captain Bonny 1835. What does it say? It says: put it back before it's too late. This can't be true. Ship fell through the sky... last known location Northeast of Bermuda. The Devil's Triangle. Ships have been disappearing in that part of the ocean... for hundreds of years. So they say. We've never had proof of the phenomenon. The room, it is entirely neutral. There are no resonances that are ghostly at the death of Mme Leidner. And perhaps, there is something that I may learn. Yes. All the same - Good night, Hastings. What? Oh - ah, well, er, good night, Poirot. Miss Johnson. MOSQUITO BUZZING BUZZING CONTINUES BUZZING STOPS BUZZING INSIDE GLASS (GRUNTS) BUZZING LOUDLY BUZZING INSIDE GLASS BUZZING STARTS AGAIN LOUD BUZZ Oh! (AGONISED SCREAM) (SCREAMS) (CHOKING) Mademoiselle! Mademoiselle Johnson! (CHOKES) Mademoiselle Johnson? Let me. (GURGLING) Agh - she's drunk something corrosive. (WHIMPERING) It's alright, Miss Johnson, we'll soon have you better. (AGONISED WHIMPERING) Hydrochloric acid. What's happened? Get my bag from beside my bed, and send someone to Baghdad for a doctor. What, Mademoiselle? What? (GURGLES) What is it, Mademoiselle? Please, try to tell me. (INDECIPHERABLE) What is that, Mademoiselle? W-window. Wind? Window! That Belgian detective poking his nose in - much good may it do him. We can be across the border by dawn. Who can have done this foul thing, Mr Poirot? Captain Hastings, how is Miss Johnson? She's dead. Oh, God. If somebody substituted hydrochloric acid for the water that she placed habitually beside her bed, half awake, she would have swallowed sufficient of it before she realised. Oh... God! Poor Annie. Nothing to show whether she took it from the laboratory herself, or not. There is someone missing, sir. Missing? The French priest. Know anything about this? I was at the post office, and a telegram came for you. Merci, Mademoiselle. What are you doing out here, Sheila? Oh, Daddy. It's in French. It tells me that Pere Lavigny has not left his monastery in Carthage for the last six months. I don't understand. Dr Leidner, I regret to have to inform you the the cup of gold in the antika room, and ornaments made of hair of gold, and several other artefacts, are electrotypes most clever. Forgeries? That's impossible. Did you Pere Lavigny by sight before he arrived? Not by sight, no - good God. But on the illness, most sudden, of Dr Byrd, you sent a telegram to Carthage, did you not? Asking Pere Lavigny to replace him? And to intercept a telegram, what could be easier? Superintendent Maitland, I conjecture that it would be wise to alert the border posts to watch out for him travelling with another. Got that, Sergeant Zibari? Get on the radio to Baghdad! Yes, sir. But why did they have to kill Miss Johnson? What had she got to do with them? Nothing at all, Superintendent. She was trying to say something before she died, wasn't she, Mr Poirot? Oui, I thought she was trying to say the word "window". Was the window open? Yes. She always kept it open. I wondered if someone had changed the drinking water that way. Nurse Leatheran, if she had observed the mysterious hand entering through the window and exchange the jug, scarcely would she have swallowed the contents of the glass without the hesitation considerable. Then why was she talking about the window? Are we sure that's what she - Superintendent Maitland, sir! Open it. Look. If that isn't blood, I don't know what it is. I blame myself, Hastings. I should have made her tell us. What, when she said she realised how someone could get in from outside without anyone knowing? Oui. La pauvre femme. But how could you have made her tell us? But what did she see? Well, she said she wanted to think it out. Yes, and that is what signed her death warrant, Hastings. If only she had told us. (CRYING) What is it, Mademoiselle? The window. Oh, Hastings, what a fool that I have been. When the truth, it is so clear. So simple. I have said several times in the course of this investigation that this case revolved around the personality of Madame Leidner. It became quite clear to me that Madame Leidner was a woman endowed by nature, not only with beauty, but with a kind of magic that was calamitous ..that can sometimes accompany beauty. Such women can often bring disaster. Sometimes on others and sometimes on themselves. Madame Leidner was very young when she first married a Monsieur Frederick Bosner but she was widowed most tragically very soon after the wedding. It was at this time that she began to receive letters that were anonymous and most threatening. But which she suspected as coming from William Bosner, the young brother of her late husband. Over the years, every time she becomes involved romantically with a man, a letter most threatening and anonymous, it would arrive and the affair, it comes to nothing. But then there appears on the scene Dr Leidner. And no such letter arrives. They fall in love, they become engaged, and still no letter. Suddenly, nothing stands in the way of Madame Bosner becoming Madame Leidner. Why? And why then did such a letter arrive after the wedding with Dr Leidner, when she arrived here? This is history, Poirot. Oui, d'accord mon ami, but history of the importance extreme. But now superintendent, I will come to the present and a consideration most particular of the entourage of Madame Leidner. On the face of it, any one of them may have committed a murder. Look here, that's absolute rot. No, no, no Monsieur Coleman, it is not the rot. Alors, the first person to consider was Pere Lavigny. Who now, of course, has fled but revealed himself to be a thief and a forger of the antiquities archaeological, hmm, but not, I think, a murderer. Also there are three persons who have the alibis that are watertight. Dr Leidner, who never left the roof, Monsieur Richard Carey, who was working at the dig, and Monsieur Coleman, who was in Baghdad. But even these alibis, mes amis, are not as good as they seem, hm? Non. Except that of Dr Leidner. There is no doubt that Dr Leidner was on the roof all of the time and only descended long after the murder, it had happened. But now it is necessary for us to pause for a moment.. ..to consider Mademoiselle Maitland. Mademoiselle Maitland was very open with me concerning her feelings for Madame Leidner. We didn't hit it off because Louise knew that I saw through her. In fact, I wouldn't have much objected to putting her out of the way myself. Then for the time of death of Madame Leidner, Mademoiselle, I hope you have a good alibi. Alibi? I was playing tennis at the club. You can ask anybody. But was that true? Of course she's the only young creature in the place so she gets spoilt by all the young men's dancing attendance on her. Not that she doesn't encourage them. She was out here yesterday afternoon looking around for one or other of them. I heard something very different in a conversation most casual that I had with Mademoiselle Johnson. Alright, I rode out to the dig after lunch. Then why did you not say so, Mademoiselle, when they asked you? I couldn't. Daddy doesn't like me coming out here by myself. It's so boring in Baghdad, you don't know what it's like. But you admit that you did not like Mrs Leidner. We don't like a lot of people, but I don't go around murdering them. I just rode out here because I wanted someone to talk to. I wasn't far from the expedition house when I saw the expedition car drawn up in a wadi. I thought it was rather queer, then I saw Mr Coleman. Did you speak with Monsieur Coleman? No. Why not? He was looking very furtive. It gave me an unpleasant feeling. I know it looks a bit fishy, but I've got a perfectly good explanation. Mr Mercado had given me a jolly fine cylinder seal to take back to the antika. I put it in my jacket pocket, went for a walk, and forgot all about it. The next day, I discovered it had gone. I must have dropped it when I took my jacket off as I was walking along that wadi. I rushed all my business in Baghdad and spent an hour searching for it. And so, the behaviour of Monsieur William Coleman on the day of the murder was indeed certainly suspicious. But I do not think that Monsieur Coleman, as Monsieur Coleman, has the temperament of a murderer. No. But there is nothing here to veto the idea that his personality, which is most cheery, might conceal the hidden one of Monsieur William Bosner. Why all of you listen to this chap beats me. Mademoiselle Maitland, when you arrived at the dig, did you see anyone? None of the expedition members, no. There seemed to be no-one there but the Arab foreman. Shufta Mr Carey? Shufta inak. Inak. You did not even see Monsieur Carey? Alright, yes, I did. For a few moments. Near the dig. I'm sure we could - Sheila, don't say another word. I am very nearly old enough to be your father. And you, Monsieur Carey, did you leave the dig after Mademoiselle Maitland, she had departed from you? Did you return towards the house? No. You see, according to some, Monsieur Carey and Madame Leidner, they did not like one another. Now, another person Mademoiselle Maitland, propounded a theory that was totally different to account for their attitude of la politesse frigide, and Monsieur Carey himself told me something different again. Alright! I hated Louise Leidner. That's the truth for you! That's the truth! I believe that he did hate Madame Leidner. But why did he hate her? He was, to begin with, devoted to his friend and employer, Dr Leidner, and quite indifferent to his wife. But that did not suit the temperament of Madame Leidner. No. So she set herself out to trap him. And then there occurred something I believe that was totally unforeseen. She fell in love with him. And he was not able to resist her. I suspected something of the sort very early on. And there we have the truth of the state most terrible of nervous tension that he has been enduring. Oh, he loved Louise Leidner, yes, but also he hated her for undermining his loyalty to his friend. Are you accusing me of murder, Monsieur Poirot? You think I'd kill Louise? You fool! Non. Merely I am taking you all on a journey towards the truth and I have established one fact - that every single member of the expedition could have committed the murder, including Nurse Leatheran. I was a stranger! I'd only been here a few weeks! Eh bien, ma soeur, was not that just what Madame Leidner was afraid of? A stranger from the outside? And, as a hospital nurse, you could easily have killed Madame Leidner and Mademoiselle Johnson. But... But I do not think that you are William Bosner. Non. Of course, there are many men who can impersonate women successfully, but no, it is my belief that Nurse Leatheran is exactly what she says she is - a hospital nurse of the most competent. Oh, thank you for nothing. All along it had been in the back of my mind that one of the members of the expedition might have some knowledge that they had kept back, knowledge that would incriminate the murderer. If so, this person would be in danger. And in this I was proved correct most tragically by the death of Mademoiselle Johnson. Two nights ago when Nurse Leatheran discovered Mademoiselle Johnson in tears... Give that to me! ..the scrap of paper that was discovered by Nurse Leatheran was burnt by Mademoiselle Johnson. It is my belief that before Nurse Leatheran entered the room, Mademoiselle Johnson had been tidying up some papers. She must have come across a draft that was unfinished of one of those letters that were anonymous. And the handwriting, it is constructed most carefully to resemble that of Madame Leidner, and the killer has been careless to leave it. But now the identity of this killer is known to Mademoiselle Johnson. She cannot understand it, it upsets her badly. Then on the evening of her death, Captain Hastings and myself discovered Mademoiselle Johnson on the roof in a state of horror most incredulous. I've seen how someone could come in from outside and no one would ever guess. I realised that Mademoiselle Johnson deliberately looked in the opposite direction and in order to throw us off the scent said the very first thing that came into her mind. But the murderer had been observing her closely, and realises that she knows the truth. So now she has to die. And that night she does so, but not before she tried to help me. What is it Mademoiselle? Win .. Window. However the only words she could manage to articulate were "the window, the window". Mademoiselle Johnson was trying to tell me what she had realised on the roof that day, how the murder of Madame Leidner it had been committed. Eh bien, first of all you must all realise one thing, that the window to the room of Madame Leidner was on the side facing away from the courtyard. So, Madame Leidner is lying on her bed, half asleep. The mask which has been used already to frighten her in the night-time begins to tap on the window. But now she recognises it for what it is - a thing of plaster and ink hanging on a string. She is not frightened, no. She opens the window and turns her face upwards to see who is playing on her the trick. (SCREAMS) Before the quern of stone smashes down on her head does Madame Leidner see, I wonder, the face of her murderer? SCREAMING The scream, it is heard by Mademoiselle Johnson, who is reading in the living room, but heard only because at this moment the window to the room of Madame Leidner is open, as was proved by the experiment most successful of Captain Hastings. The deed accomplished, the murderer pulls up again the quern by the rope that he's attached to it. Have I not said all along that this was a crime passionel? Alors, Monsieur Frederick Bosner, the first husband of Louise Leidner, loved her with a passion that only a woman of her kind could evoke. But I had dismissed already from my mind that Monsieur Frederick Bosner could be a suspect in this case because Monsieur Frederick Bosner, he was dead. Had been dead for nearly 20 years. Or had he? Oh, certainly he is sentenced to death. But he escapes. SCREAMING But then there is the railway accident. Now surely he is dead, eh? SCREAMING AND YELLING But suppose he was still not dead? Suppose he manages to emerge from the wreck with a new identity. The identity of a young man who was so disfigured in this railway accident that he is buried as Monsieur Frederick Bosner. And Monsieur Frederick Bosner will be forgotten, n'est-ce pas? CONFUSED SHOUTING Take my hand! He will be free to build a new life. Using a new name. So... ..is Monsieur Frederick Bosner here amongst us today? This Frederick Bosner is a man of ability, eh? He finds himself a profession that is congenial to him. He also keeps himself informed of the movements of his wife. She shall belong to no other man. And whenever he judges it necessary, he dispatches a letter. And he copies most carefully some of the peculiarities of her handwriting just in case Madame Leidner decides to take to the police his letters. But these letters that are anonymous and threatening they do not arrive when she meets, falls in love with, and becomes engaged to Dr Leidner. It is a puzzle. And perhaps Madame Leidner realised the answer to these puzzlements in the moment before she died. Ah, certainly, that is what Mademoiselle Johnson had realised! How the murder, it had been committed from the roof. But what Mademoiselle Johnson could not have realised as Madame Leidner had done... ..was that not only was the murderer Dr Leidner, whom she adored... (SCREAMS) ..but that Dr Leidner was indeed Monsieur Frederick Bosner. He has to wait 15 years before the ravages of time to his face and to the memory of Madame Leidner obliterates the old Frederick Bosner. They meet and all goes well. They marry and all goes well. Until into the life of Madame Leidner there appears Monsieur Richard Carey and that seals her fate. It's a bit clearer up there now. Louise has been complaining lately there's not enough room to walk about. I'm just going to tell her the good news. He hurries to the window. Closes it and fastens it. He picks up and transports the body of his wife to a point between the bed and the door. He then notices a slight stain on the rug by the window so he places this rug in front of the washstand and the rug in front of the washstand by the window. If this stain, it is noticed, it will be connected with the washstand. There must be no suggestion that the window played any part in the murder. (PANTS) Oh, God. Louise! Oh, Louise! A murder most cruel and hideous, Dr Leidner. And not content with that... ..you tried to incriminate Mademoiselle Johnson who was good and loyal to you, who was in love with you... ..by planting in her room... ..the very quern with which you had killed your wife. I am so tired. I'm sorry about Anne Johnson. That was bad, senseless. It wasn't me. It was fear on my part. You'd have made a good archaeologist, Mr Poirot. You have the gift of re-creating the past. I loved Louise and I killed her. But you shan't have her, Carey! You betrayed me. You betrayed both of us. Oh, if you'd known Louise... ..you'd have understood. No. I think you understand anyway. What are you doing here, Hastings? I'm enjoying my last few moments in Baghdad. And in 43 minutes, the last train for one week, it leaves for Istanbul. It's ten minutes to the station and the cab's nearby with my luggage. Have a tisane. (SPEAKS ARABIC) I didn't know you spoke Arabic, Poirot. Just a few words that I have picked up, Hastings. One should never squander the opportunity that travel affords. A tisane. Monsieur Poirot! I have found you! What is it, Monsieur? The telephone, Monsieur. From the Countess Rossakoff. Merci. No, no, no, Monsieur! She has gone! Gone? Yes, Monsieur. The line - the reception was very, very bad and she was speaking from Budapest. Budapest? She left a message. Go on. She said she had been called to Shanghai and would you kindly settle her bill for her? Her bill? Yes, Monsieur. She said she would settle up the next time she saw you. Monsieur. Do not speak, Hastings. Closed Captions by CSI -How big is it? -It's huge! Is it so big that I can't carry it? Nah, you can slip it in your pocket. -Tell me! -No. No, because then it won't be your birthday surprise, will it? You'll find out tomorrow. Yeah, another year older, but wiser? No. Well, anyway, you can't find out what it is until after you-know-what. -Not the pranks. -It's tradition. Xena, tradition or not, no practical jokes this year, all right? Not at all. Please? Please? Oh, you're gonna have to do better than that. Please? Please? All right. No practical jokes. Good. Hold this for a moment, wouldja? You'd think the helmet of Hermes would be a little lighter. I promised King Thoez we'd drop it off to him for his coronation since we're going that way anyway. Does that mean my present is in Thebes? What is that? Xena, give me that. I don't see anything. My mistake. Oh, Lord! Hear me now! Oh, Lord! We beseech thee! Protect us... from Feragus! Protect us from Feragus! And lest ya find us ungrateful, Lord, we offer you a soul of unmatched purity. We ask that you grant us sanctuary from the warlord. Almighty Master! Save us from disaster! Save us from disaster! Put the girl down! You're interrupting a religious ceremony! Forgive me, Father. Detenham ela! Stop her! I commend you... to the Almighty. It's all right. I've gotcha. All right... You all right? Oh, divine presence, as you have made yourself mainifest, take thy humble servant, Geniah, to thy bosom. These are spoken for. What are you doing? Praying to you, oh, flying one! Oh, no, no, no! It's just a hat. Look... I'm not a god. My name is Xena. You mean... I'm still alive? You're still alive. I don't believe it! Think nothin' of it. You ruined my sacrifice! In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena. A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power... The passion... The danger... Her courage will change the world. XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS You can't just go around ruining other people's sacrifices like that! Why would you wanna sacrifice yourself to any god? It's my sacred duty to give my life to the All-Knowing, Almighty, to show my... What is on your eye? It's a birthmark. We don't talk about it. Are you sure you're not a god? There's nothing divine about Xena. If she were a god, then I couldn't do this! Or that... Or this... All right, you made your point! Ok! Now look, Geniah... If your god was all-powerful and all-knowing, then maybe he sent me to save you. Or maybe he sent you to test my faith. I'm going to hold my breath and sacrifice myself. Yeah, good one. Now, listen, Gabrielle... This kid needs our help. She's so blindly devoted to that god of hers she's willing to kill herself. Well, why don't we introduce her to the gods that we know? Then she wouldn't wanna throw herself over a cliff for them. Now, that is not a bad idea. Come on, Geniah. Quit goofin' around. I got someone we want you to meet. They've taken the virgin, Your Holiness. Curses me. We must find the girl! Oh, yeah... You're the biggest... Baddest... warlord this side of Athens! Father! News from the zealot camp! What? Them numbskulls still think their god's gonna stop me from raiding them whenever I like? Waste of a perfectly good virgin! Not this time, Pop. A woman swooped in... -Dark... -My eye! Beautiful... Dressed in leather... She jumped off the cliff and saved the girl! Xena, the Warrior "pain in my ass"! But wait... Not even Xena could survive falling from the cliff! She didn't fall. She flew. She put on this helmet and flew. Must be the helmet of Hermes. Son... I have a job for you. What a beautiful spot! Yeah, it's nice. Nothing like sleeping under the stars, huh, Xena? In the convent, they locked me in my room from sunset to sunrise. Were you raised to be a priestess? Oh, no, no. I was raised to be a virgin sacrifice. Here. Make up your bedroll. There we go. Now, is there anything else that I can...? Last one in is a centaur dropping! Get off! I can't believe you did that! -Come on in! -No. -The water's great! -No, thank you. It's ok. I'll just stay here and look at the bushes. I have never experienced such pleasure. And so quickly, too. Oh, my! I've eaten one of the Almighty's creatures! As penace, I'm going to sleep on the cold, hard ground. You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan. Oh, virgin one... It gets cold out here. You know, if the gods didn't want us to eat fish then how come they made it taste so good? You know, you should get some rest, Gabrielle. It's a big day tomorrow. Stop, Xena! Would you get your cold, clammy feet off me? Gabrielle, I don't know what you're talking about. You're not going to give up, are you? I hope you know, Xena, this means war! What a beautiul morning! Did you sleep well? Not particularly. You know, if you wanna travel with us, a few things I should tell you. Never, under any circumstances interrrupt Xena when she's having a morning bath. Gabrielle! Yes, Xena? My clothes are missing! Any idea where they are? I think they're right under your nose. Oh, it's all right! Here they are! I... I thought... I mean, Xena, you can catch arrows. I thought for sure you could catch... a bucket of fish guts. Happy birthday, Gabrielle. This means that we're even now, right? All even? No, I think we're just getting started. Ok. Right. So, this is one of your gods' temples. Yep. A pure and holy place. Perfect be God... and all God's places. Perfect be God... and all God's graces. Boy, is she in for a surprise. Aphrodite? Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group. Geniah... Meet Aphrodite. Goddess of love. Aphrodite... Meet Geniah. A virgin. I don't believe it. I don't either! I thought you guys were extinct! But... the goddess of love is an evil myth. Told to rob women of their virtue and strip men of their pride. Well, you got the stripping men part right, honey. Ladies... Am I mistaken or is it someone's birthday today? -Happy birthday, Gaby. -Thank you. What is that awful smell? Listen... We're going to Thebes for Gabrielle's birthday. Care to join us? Thebes? You got "Sappho" tickets? What row? Xena, "Sappho" tickets. I love her poetry. Surprise. -Here, want some water? -Oh, no. No, no. Suit yourself. Thanks. -Goddesses don't drink. -Like you're really a goddess... Watch this. I like that bag... I have that bag. Some sort of illusion, I'm sure. Ok. Watch this. If you were really a god you'd use your powers to reward the faithful and punish sinners, not do party tricks. Well, I'm really more of a material girl. Xena... Can I just pop us to Thebes? Nope. I want Geniah to spend time with an honest-to-goodness immortal. That's you! Come on, Gabrielle. The sooner we get going, the sooner you'll get your present. She's planning my doom. I know it. I can feel it. This is gonna be a fun trip. Come on, you unfaithful. So this is what the world's like... Virgin in the city. That is so cute! You come with me. Here, Gabrielle. Care for a bite? That's that forbidden fruit gag, huh? No, you probably laced it with chili powder, or arsenic or not. Come on, girls. We got a show to catch. Gabrielle, look, I'm sorry. I don't know how I could'a gotten the times wrong. Xena, I cannot believe we came all this way and we missed "Sappho". Just relax. Here. Have a drink. No, no, Xena. No dribble cups today. Suit yourself. Tell you what. You look after this, and I'll go rustle us up some food. Xena could have taken her bag with her. Why would she want me to hold the helmet of Hermes, huh? Oh, it's not. This is the helmet of Hermes. Xena switched bags with us back at the marketplace. -Did she say why? -Nope. Just told us to hold it. Oh, really? Hi, Xena. I'm still sitting here, just watching your bag. Yeah, thanks. -Where are the other two? -They went to freshen up. We gotta keep an eye on Geniah. Someone was following us back at the marketplace. The zealots? Possibly. They'll be desperate to get her back. Xena! Feragus... So, you remember me. Must have made quite an impression. It's on your belt buckle. I want that bag. -It's not for sale. -Who said anything about paying for it? Oh, you'll pay. -Give me that! Give it! -Get your hands off my bag! Aphrodite! Get Geniah out of here! And take the bag with ya! Like I'd leave behind a new handbag! You... You are a goddess! Well, welcome to the party, Miss "Fashionably Late". What took you so long? Give it back! Get off my bag! -Here. -Thanks. Xena, we have to go after Feragus. He has the helmet. No, Aphrodite's got it. We switched bags in the marketplace. I switched them back. What? I thought you were trying to get something over on me, Xena. I asked for that. ...unless you knew that I would be suspicious and so you switched the bags. -I'm not close at all, huh? -Aphrodite! For future reference, I'm not mighty Aphrodite. My new disciple thought it up. Your new what? You were right, Xena. It was foolish of me to devote my life to some unknown god. From now on, I'm dedicating my life to Aphrodite. That's not exactly what we had in mind. But we'll fix that later. Right now, we've got some baggage to claim. Come on. So, how can I worship the goddess of love if I've never even experienced it? You're right, that does make you kind of a poser. All right, pick a guy. Any guy. I'll take him. Good girl, bad boy. Oh, love a classic. -I love you. -And I love you. Love at first sight, my specialty! Marry me? I thought you'd never ask. That man's got our virgin! What goes up must come down. Since when do warlords get company? Father! I want you to meet the most wonderful girl in the world. -Geniah. -Geniah! We're in love. -Really? -We're engaged. Aphrodite... Down if front. I can't see anything! What's the matter with you? You put a love spell on Geniah! That I did. And even as we speak, our sweet little virgin is falling madly in love with the cutest little son of a... -Well, then... -...warlord? ! ...welcome, young lady, to my humble abode. What are you all standing around for? Ok. Ok. Just relax, you guys. Calm down. I can... -I can take the spell off. -No! No, you'll throw Geniah for a loop. Just follow my lead. Easy action there, fella, we're about to be family. Well, you must be Frankus. My boy, good to know ya. I'm Anthrax, and this is my wife, Spittoonia. We just wanted to know what kind of a family our little girl was marrying herself into. Geniah, your parents are here. My parents? -But... my parents are de... -... Dedicated to makin' sure that you have the best wedding' ever, pookie. That's right. Oh, look at these two. Like son, like father. Am I right? Aren't wedding's just the biggest drag to organize? Which is why we brought along a little help. Belle of Belle's Bridal Barn. 'Cause I put the ding'... in wedding. Yes, you do, sister. Now, we should start by selecting the cover scheme. Corinthian white! Oh, exquisite selection. And now, about the outfits... Shouldn't I decide that? Oh, honey, let's leave that up to the experts, shall we, pookie? Belle, why don't you fix up these two fine fellas with some new duds, while we go and have that long overdue talk with Geniah about her conjugals? Now, I see before my eyes... harem pants. Aphrodite! -Where am I? -You're in Feragus' lair. Xena? Yeah. What am I doing here? Remember? I put a spell on you to make you fall in love with his son? That's right. I wanted to fully experience my goddess' power. Just like you wanted to kill yourself for a bloodthirsty god. Geniah, you can't give up your life for every deity that comes along. It's true, sweet pea. We're not all we're cracked up to be. Well, how am I supposed to live my life with no one to lead me? You gotta stop following. Maybe you can be your own guide. Geniah, haven't you ever felt happy just to be yourself? Yes, these past few days with you and Gabrielle. Well, that's a start. Now we're gonna get you outta here. Stay. I don't know, it's a bit... -...girlie. -Oh, no, honey... Not with those shoulders. Now, for the final touch. The helmet stays! So, I hear from Geniah that you're in the warlord business. That as dangerous as they say? And then some. Yeah? You got any scars? Here. This scar? Guy took out my spleen! Well, who needs a spleen? There...! Guy got me with a short sword! Lucky it wasn't a long one. You want scars? Well, I'll give you scars! Got this scar given to me by Xena! The Warrior Princess herself! Let me take a look at that. I don't remember. Have to come to the light. Oh, yeah! Why, that Xena really is somethin'. She nearly split ya open like a coconut. You know what? I think I better take my little girl outta here. It doesn't do for the bride to be exposed before the big day. Plenty of time for that afterwards. Know what I mean? Now, about my bill... Ok... I'm gonna put some distance between you and that warlord. That oughtta keep her out of trouble. That's her! Thy will be done! -Ok, where's the bag? -Geniah has it. -Where's Geniah? -Oh, I popped her back to the marketplace. She might as well shop while she's waiting. What? Oh, don't thank me! Just doin' the god thing. Aphrodite, the zealots are looking for her there! Robe, altar, human sacrifice. That was a true story? Wait a minute. No! I knew that Anthrax looked familiar. Xena! Worming her way into my lair! Stealing my helmet! I'll kill her! Perhaps I could be of some assistance. Where's the helmet? You can have it back, if we can make a deal. I'm listening. There's no sign of Geniah anywhere. -This is my fault. -No! It's my fault! I cast a spell on her. Yeah, but I switched the bags. If I hadn't been so suspicious at the tavern, this wouldn't have happened. Gabrielle! What'd you find? This. She's been sacrificed! Maybe not yet. There's a zealot temple two miles down the road. I'm guessing they'd wanna do it there. Ok, so what I can do to help? I can cast a spell... Or maybe not. Actually, Aphrodite, there is something you can do. Almighty Master... We ask you one more time... Take this virgin sacrifice and protect us from our enemies. Zarat! Xena! Haven't you ever heard of religious freedom? Freedom has nothing to do with sacrificing Geniah, or anyone else. And neither has religion. This ends here. We'll see. Stay out of this, Feragus! I'll deal with you later. I don't think so. You see? In exchange for the helmet... I promised Zarat here I'd take you out of the picture. Well, since when do warlords keep their promises? Since I wanted to kick your butt anyway! What's the matter, Xena? Losing your touch? Touch this! Thank you! Gabrielle, catch! Gabrielle! Up here! You may have stopped this sacrifice, Xena, but that's all! I will find other followers. Perhaps my next tribe will offer their sacrifices... to me. Or not. What happened? -He was wearing the helmet. -He was wearing a helmet. Xena had me switch the helmets... just in case. So... where's the helmet of Hermes? Right here, sweet pea. I can't believe I was gonna give my life away to them. Geniah... Geniah! I was afraid I'd be too late. Frankus... I'm sorry, but we can't be together. It's... 'cause of the old man, isn't it? No. Xena's shown me that I can't live my life following others. I have to be my own person... and chase my own dreams. We can still be friends. Xena... You and Gabrielle are gonna have to go along without me. -Oh, you're sure? -Before we met I thought the best thing I could do with my life was throw it away. But now I found something worth living for. What? I'm turning the convent into a shelter for those in need. Well, that is great. Good for you. Oh, I almost forgot... Happy birthday. Speaking of which... we have got a show to catch. Bye-bye. Have fun, you two. So, friends? I can work with that. Some of my best friends are friends. But... we need to rethink the whole retro-sacrificial thing. I'm really sorry, Gabrielle. I didn't realize Sappho was only here for one performance. It's the thought that counts, Xena. Although I would like to hear her read her poetry one day. You know, how did you fall for my fish-guts gag? I don't know. You knew that I would go crazy waiting for you to get even. Xena, didn't see it coming. Nor that. Now we're even. Here, give me that. -I want you to close your eyes. -No. -Trust me, please. -No. Close your eyes. What is this? Open it. I had Sappho jot something' down for ya. A poem? Sappho wrote a poem for me. I don't believe it. Xena... You had this planned all along, didn't you? "There's a moment when I look at you and no speech is left in me. My tongue breaks then fire races under my skin and I tremble. And grow pale for I am dying of such love. Or so it seems to me." It's beautiful! This is the best birthday present I have ever had. 'Course, it ain't over yet. Happy birthday, Gabrielle! Subtitles: Marlon Rocha Lacerda So. Mr. "Gweerin. " Guerin. This says you've been an emancipated minor for the Iast two years. Yeah. A Iot of responsibility for someone your age. You like responsibility? Yeah. Sure. I Iike to stay on top of things. I only got four notices! How can you cut off my power? I'm a big believer in seIf-discipIine. I'II take it. Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies? I think I can handle it. Okay, Iet's cut to the chase, Gweerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job? well, there are many reasons. But I think the primary one is... . please don't tell me that you're gonna ask me to pick up the check again... ... becauseifso , I swear to God, michael... . -financial. KARL: I see. And, I guess I sort of want to see what it's like out there in the world. congratulations. You are now Meta-Chem pharmaceutical's newest security guard. -When do I start? -Orientation is tomorrow night. I'm not gonna be done at the Crashdown until 1 0. -Is that too late? -We don't need you till 0200. 02... . That's2a.m. That's right. Two to 7 every night. You're working the graveyard. I'II see you then. michael, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper michael, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper LIZ: Dear Max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's gonna call my father. But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart. I love you. And even when I can't see you in the day I see you at night in my dreams. And I have been dreaming about you. Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night. I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't. It's amazing. Like Superman and Lois Lane in the first movie. You know, the good one. -He wasn't coming in. -Let's get back to work. He wasn't coming in here. He wasn't breaking the rules. We'II talk about it after your shift, okay? This is so ridiculous. You can't keep us from seeing each other. -Oh, table 1 1 's waiting. -Oh, look at that. [CLEARS THROAT] kyle? -Hey, son, how was work? KYLE: It sucked as usual. Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again. "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." well, it's nice of them to let us know. So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a fuII-time weII-paying job in your future? well, actually, something did sort of come up. -You got a job? -well, it's not exactly a job. It's sort of a... . How do I describe this? It's a business. Kind of a small business. This I Iike. I Iike this. small business? That sounds profitable. Okay, hit me. Pitch me. Make me proud. I think I should pursue this a little bit further. -I'II tell you about it in a few days. -Okay. I can handle that. I think. michael, please. Come out. You've been in there an hour. Go home. I will see you tomorrow. -No, I want to see it. MICHAEL: Maria. MARIA: Hey, Max. -Oh, sorry. Bad time? Is this some deranged sex thing? -I got a job. -Security guard? Gotta start somewhere. What are you doing here? -Nothing, I just-- -maxwell, it's the middle of the night. What's going on? well, you heard about my dad and I. That I moved out. Yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. -Smart move. -Yeah, I just... . Look, I need a place to crash for a couple days. until I figure something else out. until I figure something else out. So how does the chevelle figure into this? -My car? -Do I get driving privileges? -Yes, michael. -The couch is yours. Mr. Ramirez, fancy meeting you here. isabel Evans, isn't it? Aren't you out late for a school night? I'm in college now. Sometimes I'm out all night. I cannot believe we're meeting in a convenience store. My parents never shop here. Why don't you just tell them about us? eventually the smell of microwave burritos is going to kill the mood. We will. We will tell them. We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two. isabel, you're 1 8. You're an adult. My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high school guys. You're a 26-year-oId lawyer who works for my father, who's... . Who's Latino? You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan. Ha-ha. -Jesse, that is totally not it. JESSE: So, what is it? This is just the worst time. My parents are all freaked out about Max moving out... ... andI justthinkweneed more time before anybody knows. -Okay? -Okay. [MOANING ] Whoops. kyle. -Hi. ISABEL: Hi. -Hi. ISABEL: Hi. Hi. My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so I needed... . Ho Hos, of course. Ho Ho. Bye. -What are you doing, man? -Watching a replay of tonight's game. Hey, chico, you can't do that. Can he do that? Can I do that? Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion-sensor logs for the anomalies? Done. But here, I'II check again. Checked and rechecked. -Can I get that on my screen too? STEVE: hold on. michael, turn the game off, man. That's not cool. Steve, here's the thing: This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my Iife. I don't know about you guys... ... butI 'mgonnado whatIcan to improve the work conditions. That means this. The company has a very strict dress code. Yeah, but who's gonna enforce it? suddenly, I feel very bad. Now, I know you wanna take that off. Come on. Somehow, I know I'm gonna regret this. ALL: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Boys, I come bearing gifts. Oh, sweet. AII right, man. No, no, no. I'm taking your paycheck, your paycheck and your paycheck. No! -Nice. MONK: Yeah. -What else do we got going? -What you got going there, bud? [CHEERING ] [LAUGHING ] AII right, here you go, here you go. That's funny. Door 52, secure, sir. You've certainly made the guys a happier crew. -fly was actually on time tonight. -Just want to make things interesting. Door 53 secure. The job still sucks. Look, michael, I just don't want this to get out of control. Some of us need this job. You take this job way too seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Hey, Maria sounds like a good girl. You're all set. You've got a girl, got a job. I just need power back in my apartment, and I'm living the American dream. -So are you going to marry her? -Maria? I don't know about marriage, chico. That's down the line. Yeah. -Hey, Mike? -Yeah? I don't think you should say "chico. " You really don't pull it off. Right. Yeah. Red alert! Is this straight? Good evening, sir. Can I be of some assistance? It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem. It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem. -What kind of breach? KARL: Theft. Someone broke into the company cafeteria... ... andmadeoffwithasubstantial amount of peach snapple. several cases in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr. Gweerin? I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start? I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired. So somebody steals one lousy case of SnappIe and what do they do? They blame the little guy. The people at the bottom of the ladder... ... thepeopleactually working for a living. -You worked? -We screwed around a Iot. But let me tell you something. Nobody got in or out... ... withoutusknowingaboutit. We had that place wired tight. Meta-Chem is lucky to have people like us on duty. [MARIA LAUGHS] So technically I stole it, but they didn't know that. karl fired us because he only thought that one of us took it. -But you did take it. -That's not the point. -tell me the point again. -Corporate America sucks. So I'm assuming I'm gonna keep paying for dinner... ... andsupplyingthekerosene to light the apartment. I'II get another job. What did the other guys say about this? -What other guys? -Your coworkers. -Skunk and flea. -Monk and fly. Whatever. Did they at Ieast stick up for you? -No, they were fired too. -What? -We all got fired. -You got the whole department fired? Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. -We all drank of the SnappIe. -Wait, "Drank of the SnappIe"? -When did we get on biblical terrain? -I won't take all the blame for this. But it's your fault. You acted irresponsibly and now everyone's unemployed. I've gotta get some fresh air. Steve. Hey. Sorry about what happened. I didn't know KarI would blow a gasket. It's over, so... . -You applying for the clerk job? -apparently. Isn't it half as much as we were making at Meta-Chem? -Gotta feed the wife and kids. -Yeah, really. That's an expression, right? "Feed the wife and kids. " Didn't you see the picture on my desk? cheryl? The kids? I guess. But I thought she was your girlfriend. And I thought the kids were your brother and sister, or your nephew. I've gotta get over to Burger Hut. There's a job working the drive-thru. See you, Mike. Hey, Steve. I'm sorry, man. That doesn't help me, Mike. Orbit rings. galaxy sub. Asteroid salad. Oh, Worf wrap. Is everything good here for you guys? Good. That's great. I'II just be right back with your drinks. Hi. God, I miss you. This is so insane. My dad's right outside. I know. I saw him. I miss you so much. Listen, Friday. Midnight. I want you to meet me. -Dress warm. -Why? You'II see. -You have to go. -Yeah. JEFF: Liz? -Come on. -Midnight Friday. LIZ: Okay. -Liz? -Yeah? Where'd you go? Nowhere. I was just taking out the trash. [BELL RINGS] That must be mine. Hey. hello. You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day. -A stone unobserved is a stone-- -Is this Buddhist? -Yes. -could you not? -Okay. -Thank you. His name is Jesse Ramirez. He's my boyfriend. Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen him leaving your father's office? Yeah, he works for my father. As an assistant? As a lawyer. So he's, Iike, 22, 23? -Twenty-six. -Twenty-six? That's a problem. well, just out of curiosity... ... haveyoutoldJesse about your secret identity? No. No. Max and michael would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret. And I guess the truth of the matter is, I sort of love Jesse not knowing. It's like we're this normal couple. -Nothing's ever easy, is it? -Nope. I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it. No problem. And, kyle... ... ifyoutellanybody, I'II be forced... ... tousemy formidable alien powers on you. cool. cool. My day is never truly complete until my Iife's been threatened by an alien. ISABEL: No problem. Okay, bye. ISABEL: No problem. Okay, bye. Wait, wait. Good for you. I mean, Max has Liz, and michael has Maria. And you never really had that... ... sogoodforyou . Thanks, kyle. So you're gonna return the SnappIe? Yeah. And you think that's gonna get you your job back? You got a better idea? Why not just get more hours at the Crashdown? Because that's not what it's about, Max. It's about the principle of it. You stole the SnappIe, michael. How could it be about principle? Because it's not fair to ruin one person's life over a few bottles of SnappIe. And this is ruining your life? Not mine. This guy at work, Steve. He's a killjoy, and he got fired with the rest of us. Turns out he's got a wife and kids. -Nice. -Which isn't my fault. Why should I worry about it? If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and then knock her up... ... beforehe'sgotadecentjob, how is that my problem? -It isn't. -So why do I feel like this? Like what? -I don't know. -Like you care? Yeah. It's weird. See, there's you and isabel. And you guys are like family. And then there's Maria... ... andshe's... . She's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys- - It's cool. We can hang, and we talk... ... andwelaugh, and it's like they're... . Friends. Something like that. Yeah. Anyways, I gotta go. Wait, wait. You're gonna return them now? Yeah. I'm gonna break in and put the SnappIe back. -Behind the fridge. -And then what? Then I'm gonna call them, and I'm gonna tip them off anonymously. And when they realize that nobody stole the SnappIe... ... theyhaveno choice but to give our jobs back. michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind... ... andthenyoucomeup with something better. Yeah, I don't have anything better. karl's a thief. Where were you? I was out. -Just out. -Have you been drinking? No. well, a couple of beers. That's terrific, Dad. It's part of your new business plan? actually, it is. Listen... ... Iwantyoutokeep an open mind about this. Now, I know it's not exactly what you maybe had in mind, okay? But I'm telling you, this is something that I really believe in. Our first performance is tomorrow night. It'd be great if you were there. "The country stylings of Jim VaIenti and the Kit-Shickers. " -How much does this pay? -Oh, not very much at first. But... . See, we get a percent of the door. But it'II take a while to build an audience. Right, right. build up an audience. What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? ! This is it? ! I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate... ... andthisis yourbig idea? We're behind on the mortgage. But I'm sure the mortgage company will realize... ... youjustgottabuildupan audience. Have you even looked at those bills? ! -kyle, I'm sorry if-- -Dad, don't apologize. That's not even what I want. I know that when you lost your job as sheriff... ... thatitreally screwed with your head. And I have a Iot of sympathy for that, I do, but... . I'm not- - I'm not the parent here. And I can't keep our heads above water much longer. So all I'm saying is that... . You know what I'm saying. Good night, Dad. How's he getting away with it? Every inch of the place is being taped 24-7. Think, little man. karl's got the master security card. He can turn the cameras on and off when he feels like it. -What was he stealing? -I didn't get a good look. But they do all kinds of genetic research in that lab. I bet it was the cancer vaccine. AII the big corporations have one, just sitting on the shelf. They don't put it out because there's too much money in cancer treatment. Same thing with AIDS, tuberculosis, Legionnaire's disease, measles... . -Monk, are you wasted, man? -No. Maybe. Leave me alone. You don't know what it's like working at Burger Hut. Fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup. I need an escape. Look, it doesn't matter what's in the vial. What matters is Meta-Chem's head of security is stealing from them. We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us... ... istheactualthiefandwe've got a chance of getting our jobs back. -How do we get the goods on karl? -Catch him in the act. -Break in? -That sounds too risky for a black man. -What does Steve say? -He didn't return my phone calls. -You can count me out. -I'm with Monk. -Me too, chico. -Do you guys know why we were fired? -Because you took the SnappIe, dude. MICHAEL: No. Who fires an entire shift over SnappIe? Nobody. karl needed to fire an entire security shift so he could steal whatever... ... he'sstealingfromthe company. We were easy targets. That's why we were fired. karl made us out to look like incompetent fools. And that's what the world will think of us if we don't do something. Used to be I didn't care about that. Turns out I do. So yeah, we stole the SnappIe, but you know what, we did our jobs well. And that's why I say we have no choice here but to screw KarI. AII right. I'm with you. Let's screw KarI. -I'm there. -Screw KarI, man. So, what's the plan? MICHAEL: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone. The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has. But the truth is, one man can't watch everything. Now the trick will be to make him think that nothing has changed. When in reality, everything has changed. He's not alone tonight. Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with. MONK: Got you, chump. FLY: problem, dude. MONK: well, hurry up and fix it, man. [PHONE RINGING ] -hello? HANSON: This is Sheriff Hanson. We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with. Nope. Everything's okay here. HANSON: What's the password today? Password? [CREAKING ] [MICHAEL COUGHING ] Hey, karl. Gweerin. What the hell are you doing? It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in. You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny. Go ahead and call them. I have a nice videotape to show them. -What are you talking about? -I got you breaking into the lab... ... stealinga sample, and passing it off to the janitors. well, that's too bad. If you said that it was gonna be your word against mine... ... IcouId'vethrownthe cuffs on you and called the cops. I guess it's not gonna be that simple. Where is that videotape? -Think about what you're doing. KARL: I know what I'm doing. I'm confronting an intruder in the middle of the night... ... andbelievingtheintruder to be armed... ... Idrewmy weapon and I was forced to shoot him. -I'm not alone, you know. I got help. -I think you are here alone. You're gonna tell me where that videotape is right now! Okay, okay. I'II tell you. Okay, the tape... . The tape... ... isin... . HANSON: What I want you to do right now is put the gun down, nice and slow. Good. Now, we're all gonna take a trip down to the station. Before we do that, there's a videotape you should see. well, boys, if this is all you got, it ain't much. Let me take a look at that. These clowns are disgruntled former employees who broke in... ... andstolecompanyproperty. -You know what, I think I got it. -Hey, how did you do that? I used to work in a video store. I won't say anything without an attorney. Don't worry, karl. We'II let management know what happened. I'II need statements from you guys. But we can't leave this plant... -... unguardedallnight. -No problem. -We'II finish our shift first. -Fine. See you in the morning. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. [CHEERING ] So, what is this? -No. Max. No. MAX: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true? Yeah, I guess I do. Then come on, Lois, Iet's go. [INSTRUMENTS TUNING ] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jim VaIenti and we are the Kit-Shickers. -Are you 21 ? -Does it matter in here? AII that matters is paying rent on that barstool. Just give me a Coke. I may need that beer after all. VALENTI: One. Two. One. SINGER: One. Two. One. [BAND PLAYING ] [SINGING BARENAKED LADIES' "IF I HAD $ 1 ,000,000"] [CROWD CLAPPING ] That was just amazing. That was so amazing. You did say that, Iike, a dozen times. But did I say this? Or that? Or, you know... . I'm sure I didn't say this. well, you do have a way with words. I'd invite you to come upstairs, but... . -But if your dad caught us... . -Yeah. Good night. Good night. JEFF: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter... ... inthemiddleofthenight . We went to the desert. We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't do anything wrong. It was wrong for you to see her at all. You know that. I'm sorry. I Iove her. I don't give a damn about your love. Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery. She could've been killed! Did you ever think about that? tell me you're not dangerous, Max. tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. Yeah, that's what I thought. So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now. And you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... ... ifI findoutthatyou'vesomuch as sat next to her in class... ... she'IIbeon thenextplane to Vermont. Vermont? The Winnaman Academy. It's an aII-girIs boarding school. Her mother and I filled out the paperwork... ... andtheapplicationwas accepted. So all I've gotta do is write a check and put Liz on the next plane. You would do that? -You would do that just to--? -Just to keep her away from you. Yes. And I will. Goodbye, Max. [DOORBELL RINGS] -Got your job back. -What? Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we nailed KarI for stealing stuff. -He's in jail. STEVE: Wait, slow down. -You broke in? -Yeah, I found out he was a crook... ... andwenailedhim for it. Not just me. -George, Monk, fly. -You could have gotten arrested. Why did you do that? I don't know. I figured it's my first real job. I'm starting my Iife... ... and,youknow,Ididn 'twant to start off on the wrong foot. I'm not sure whether to thank you or tell you you're an idiot... ... fordoingsomethingsorisky. Say, "Thank you. " Thank you, michael. This means a Iot to me. And, you know... ... tomyfamily. No problem. Hey, listen... ... maybewecouldhangsometime. You know, after work. Sure. You're a crazy bastard, you know that? welcome to my world. subtitles by SDI Media Group [ENGLISH SDH] With over a billion brain cells, we utilise less than 10% of this capacity. The other 90%, remains dormant. It is as if God has designated it a "No Access Zone". In time, men gave in to their curiosities, and attempted to access this restrictive zone. 3 years after the Worldwide Weapon Ban Treaty, 100 members from a distinguished police unit, participated in an experiment to develop defence-use equipment, codenamed 'Power Glove'. The aim was to utilise biotechnology to unleash the cerebral powers within our 'No Access Zones'. However, the experiment was suddenly terminated, without any stated reason. ...it is illegal to possess weapons of any grade. Such offenders will be classified by the police as 'highly dangerous'... Good day. Today's pollution index is in the black range. The ultraviolet index is also within the black range. Please exercise the appropriate precautionary measures. Finally, I would like to remind everyone, the sight of the moon, a rare spectacle, will take place next Friday, 7th of July. Quick. - Watch where you're going! - Hey, slow down! Wait for me! Here we come! - Watch out, everyone! Move over! - Look out! This is fun! - Hello, Belle? - Where are you? It's started. I'm on my way, going as fast as I can. Have fun, I'll see you in a while. Slow down, the police are straight ahead of us. Warning! You are speeding. Reduce speed now or you will be charged. Who cares? ! ...please reduce your speed now... Hey... Digital Colours, you'll love it. More what? Let's go. The police are after us. I'm not hanging around. - Hi, sister. - You're so late. Yeah, how come? It's all your fault. The scooter you built for me was too slow. - That long-haired guy will lose. - What do you know? The odds have it that he'll win by 7:1. I bet a lot on him winning. - Great, I've won! Money time! - Let's collect our cash! Iron wants to take 9 wins in a row. Does anyone want to contest this? It doesn't look like anyone has the courage to do so. Will he remain the undisputed champion again? What's up with you? Your hands are shaking. No, they're itching for a fight. Look at this guy. Long-Hair... it might be fun to fight you. Fight? Oh, no. I promised. Let's go. I'm telling you, if I beat him, the prize money will pay for the Power Glove. You won't object, right? Okay, but not those moves or Auntie Wing will know about this and we'll... I'm not into fighting with weapons. Fist-fight? Give it all you've got, don't hold back. There won't be another bout. - That's fast! - Really fast! Oh, Kong, don't! Not the real thing! Not bad. You sure can take a blow or two. - Yes! We're rich! - Not you! - Kong, you were amazing! - Now we have money for goodies. Can I treat you to a drink? Sorry, I'm not into cold drinks. What about the temperature now? It's hot. Sister, stop flirting. Let's collect our prize money. How untimely. Don't be so annoying. How are you, Auntie Wing? You think Mum is still mad? Why don't you go find out? What's that? Mood boy. Its music changes with emotions. Don't worry. Go away. Go! Yeah, don't worry, right? - Go on, go! - Go on! What's wrong with you three? Taking on your own mother now? Of course not, Auntie Wing. You taught us to combat, therefore we don't stand a chance with you. Let's talk instead. Well, I'm going to say this one last time. Never ever use your Power Fist moves. We can practice the moves, yet we can't use them! What if I use those moves? Who's to know? If someone spots it, we're history. Dad came up with those moves. What are we so worried about? Give me a reason, I'll go with it. I'm your mother and that's reason enough. No, it's not. You never tell me anything, not even how Dad died. Just look at Jazz and myself. We're not related at all, yet, between us, - We don't have any secrets. - Yeah. If you don't treat me as a son, I don't know how to treat you as my mother. Kong...! Mum, Kong's been missing Dad. He just wants to buy the Power Glove from the underground market. Power Glove? They're for the Police. What do you need it for? Are you trying to cause trouble? Dad had one and I wanted to have one too. You can stop me from doing almost everything, but you can't stop me from missing my father. - Kong, that's enough. - Don't do this. Watch your mouth. Even if you get hold of the Power Glove, then what? Jazz, take care of him for me. - Yes. - Don't let him get into trouble. Yes, yes. Kong, Auntie Wing has her reasons, you shouldn't... Hey... he just elbowed me. Kong, Dad is a cop. My duties may keep me away from you. I may not even be there to witness your birth. I've left you with the Power Fist moves. Practice them. Pay attention, my son. Put your heart and mind to it. These Power Fist moves may one day keep you and your mother from harm. Goodbye, Kong. Please take care. Dad... Dad, don't go. - Hey, Iron. - What a coincidence. Let me know when you're going in the ring again. We don't always have to fight. What about just hanging out, huh? There are lots of other things to do. Don't get into another fight! What's that? Give me three of those. I only sell hope and alcohol. If you want 'earthquake'... Don't stare. Don't stare. Those are definitely the baddies. If you must stare, stare at me. That's not a pleasant sight. What's this 'earthquake' thing? My first kiss. Let's go. No way. We're still waiting for Sing and Kit. No, something's bound to happen at these sorts of places. I promised Auntie Wing I'd take care of the two of you. Hold it, my sister wants to talk to you. Hello, hello... Can I have your hand? My phone is dead. Did you set it on vibrate mode? It's really shaking. No. BF999841 1 1 2. And I forgot to tell you how cool you looked in that ring. Thank you. Hello, Sing? Are you coming or what? I'm about to leave. - Leave it for later. Just come along. - Hey, what's up with you? The smile, the look. Are you flirting with him? - They're not coming, talk to them. - Don't come then! What did you do that for? I was a bit mad at them so I slammed the phone on them. I apologise. - Does it hurt? - Why didn't you use my phone? A stranger's phone is not very hygienic... And you have high hygiene standards now? Look, his nails are all filled with dirt. You danced well. You want a drink? I'll buy you one. I can buy one myself. - Well, we danced... - And it's over now. Good move! Let's drink to that. What? You want to fight again? Her drink's been spiked with 'earthquake'. Look. Go. Let's go. Don't fight, stop it! I said stop! You really want a go, huh? Come ahead! Move over. Stand to the sides. Move. - Round them up. - Yes, sir. Let's go. If Auntie Wing knows about this, we're dead. Hey, you two, hands off! Kong, remember Auntie Wing? Go! Be quiet! If we wake my mother, we'll be in big trouble. - Is that you? - Yes. See, we almost got caught. - Left, right, left, right... - Isn't it a bit late for practice? Oh, Mum... this girl wants to learn a few moves to protect herself against sexual harassment. Don't move the head so much. Lift the fist up a bit. No, it's okay. Don't move. An improvement there. Let's go again. Let me show you. Don't be so tough. You need to be patient with your students. What now? Faking death? - Not even a single blow. - Take it easy. Goodnight. Are you okay? Stop it. Hey, stop it. I'm telling you... Mum, it's okay. Don't worry. Kong, get up! Get up! I've never been able to get that far with a girl and you... I'm calling the police. - Get her. - Get her? You've gone far enough! - You're horrible. - I'm going to the police now. Miss, that's really not necessary. Why don't you just beat the living hell out of him and call it quits? Just tell me where and I'll do the punching. Go to the police then. If I hadn't pinned you down, you'd have smashed your head against something. And I kind of liked you before, now... Wait. Your clothes are still intact, this must be a misunderstanding. That's true, Kong never lies. Talking about your clothes, you're obviously still fully clothed. Are you mistaken? Just think about it. It's quite obvious that she's mistaken. How come you two are here so early? She insisted on going back for Iron. When we got back, the cops had arrested him already. We didn't have the bail money so we came back to see if you could help. - I don't even know where to begin. - Then what now? - Take me to the precinct. - Miss, didn't we just talk about this. You still want to go to the police? To bail your friend out. "Your friend?" Is he your friend? Okay, the procedures are done. You're not hurt, are you? Don't thank us, she's the one who posted bail. Don't thank me, either. Let's just stay as strangers. This is a coincidence. Kong and I are celebrating our birthdays this Monday. Why don't you come to our party? Give me his files. Practice these moves and they'll protect you, in place of me. Goodbye. How I wish I could hold you in my own arms. Are you done? Let's call these combat moves 'Power Fist Moves'. Feel this? He's going to be a naughty one. Thunder! Hi, I'm Dark. I know I've put on a bit of weight, but don't you recognise me at all? - I've met your children. - If you say a word to them I'll kill you. Why did you teach your son the Power Fist moves? I thought you'd kept your children out of the scene for the past 20 years, so they can live a normal life. Your husband made the mistake of coming up with the Power Fist moves. And that's why you killed him. You killed your best friend. Have you been having nightmares in the past 20 years? Even if you didn't sleep well, you appear to have eaten well though. I just didn't want those moves to end up in the wrong hands. I had to do it 20 years ago. I've kept this for 20 years. Give it to Kong and tell him all about his father, Thunder. This is a new era, a new government. On August 1 st, each of you will be injected with a beastly essence. And each one of you will be just like him, a warrior of the Red Dragon Army. Dark sent you? Does he really want to know what I'm up to? Let me show you then. Dark, my friend. I'm back in the Democratic Republic. That's it? All this time and you've only got this much out? What's inside your mind? Think carefully. I want every single Power Fist move. In the vastness of your mind, how come it's all a void? Who did it? A girl. I want this girl. Get her for me. Sing, Kit, don't just stand there staring. Can you fix the propulsion or not? Every time I step on the throttle, it just rocks back and forth. Yeah, rocking back and forth... You're not supposed to race with this every night. If it wasn't for racing, why would I buy such an expensive ride? Total waste of my time. Oh, Kong is back. Happy birthday, Kong! Oh, it's you. Don't you have somewhere to go or something to do? I was fired. Well, since you have all the free time in the world now, you'd better come in. Come on in. The drinks are over there. - Iron. - Happy Birthday. Thank you. Mr. Dimple here just got fired. Really? Get us some drinks. Go on. Do you have any plans? Why don't you stay here and teach combat? No way! Our school has a very tight budget. We can't afford to hire him. Auntie Wing won't go for it. I'll speak with Mum. Until you find another job, just stay here. We can't pay you but I can make you these hot drinks. - You still remember? - Yes. What do you have against cold drinks? I hate anything cold. When I was young, I woke up one winter morning, in my mother's arms. She had died from the cold... keeping me warm. Did the heating system malfunction or something? There was no heating system on the streets. I'm sorry, I was... I mean, I'm sorry. I have to go. Wish Kong a happy birthday for me. See if your drink is warm enough. I've always been able to do this, since I was a kid. I promise you, anything that I ever give to you will always be warm. Why don't you stay? Good day. In the week to come, the ozone layer will remain thin, and the ultraviolet index will also remain in the black level. All citizens be warned-although we can appreciate the moon tonight, please do not stay outdoors for any extended period of time. It's my birthday today. I want someone to wish me a happy birthday. I want... Erica. You know what, Erica? I like you a lot. You know what, Erica? I really like you. And... You know why? No? Let me tell you. I rode right through your advertisement the last time, and kissed you right there and then. Do you remember? Not bad, huh? Since then, every time I spot you on the TV screen, my heart just pounds. I used to really like you, but now... I hate you, a lot. You're too into your looks, too stubborn, and too stupid. Way too stupid, and always in my face, nagging at me constantly... and utterly lacking in manners. Hey... You didn't wish me a happy birthday yet. That's right. You should be more mild and gentle with your ways. That's because most men prefer girls with a softer touch. Wouldn't that be nice? I agree, at times, you're just wonderfully lovely. Do you know when? Like now. If only you could remain as this 3D advertisement, smiling ever so sweetly at me... I'd love you forever. But you do nag a lot, and you drug up on 'earthquake', and when I took care of you, you thought I tried to take advantage of you. There's not a single bit of feminine gentleness inside you at all! Wish me a happy birthday now. See? That's better. Its my birthday today. I heard that even the moon will be visible tonight. How I wish I could watch the moon with you, and then you could wish me a happy birthday, right there on the spot. Wouldn't that be nice? How come you're here? Well, I was going to attend your party, somehow you came here... Wait... Shouldn't you be on your way to my birthday party? Let's go together, then. Don't drive so fast. I don't want to have to hold on tight. - You're driving too fast. - Then hold on tight. Transparent promises vaporised into thin air You took my hand, but I can't see your smile clearly Is it when the star changes its course? You discard all that you wished for in the past Lately, I can't seem to breathe, I even want to run away from my own shadow Baby, you're my only one Our two worlds have changed It's difficult to go back It's destined that you're my only one Saying "I love you" down the phone I really love you... Everybody, here comes the cake. You're holding her hand again? Is she done hitting you yet? She can still hit me with her other hand. I'm in this for the long run. - Happy Birthday. - Happy Birthday. - Look at those lights. - I'm staring. Don't distract me. That's it! Can't someone light it up again? I want more. - That's all. - Damn. No, that's it. - Thank you, Mum. - Thank you, Mum. This is for the two of you. I've been keeping this from you. Power Glove? Your father left this for you. It's about time you learned more about what happened to your father. This is the best birthday gift! Let's blow out the candles and make a wish. Go on, you guys! Let's. - Run! - Quick! Run. Kong! Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! Are you okay? How are you? Can you get up? Don't you remember me? Mum! Mum! Take this and go after Belle. Kong! Stop! He's dead! Kong, Kong! He's dead already! Stop it! Kong, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Kong! I killed them... I just killed these people. - I just killed... I killed... - It's okay, it'll be fine. Put her down! Stop it, stop it, please! Iron! - Mum, you'll be fine. - Auntie Wing! - I'll take you to the hospital, Mum. - Put me down. - Mum! - Kong, your father's badge number. Input it into the Power Fist data disc... Look for Inspector Dark... He'll tell you everything you need to know... Mum! No. Mum, listen to me. I promise you, I won't get into fights again, honest... Mum! Mum! Good... good... Be good. Promise me... you'll forgive your father. He doesn't know what he's doing. Promise me, yes? You heard me? Yes. Yes. I heard you. Mum! Mum! Mum! Your genetic DNA is a perfect work of art. You don't even need the Power Glove to tap into the mind's No Access Zone. What is your name? No? That's quite all right. Your past is of no significance. You're now mine. You know what? This is the first time I've thought highly of a woman. Jazz, how are you? - Why am I here? I want to go. - You passed out. Calm down. - Where's Auntie Wing? - She's dead. - What? What happened? How? - I don't know, it's not your fault. Calm down, take it easy! - I'm going to look for Auntie Wing... - Calm down, get him into the bed. - Wait till you get better, Jazz! - Back off, the patient needs to rest. I'll get him! - Let the patient rest now. - Pulse 80, brain scan reads... - Kong. - Who are you? Special Administrative Region Senior Inspector, Dark. You are suspected of murder. I am now placing you under arrest. The sky used to be blue, but I fear that you'll never get to see that. Since the year 2000, when men deciphered the entire human genome, genetic engineering prospered to new heights, previously unexplored. Men have finally charted into what was previously God's territory, and God has finally abandoned men. The skies have begun to darken, since then. Have you ever heard of the mind's 'No Access Zone'? The average person can utilise about 1 0% of the brain's capacity. The rest of the available capacity remains dormant. Scientists believe that if we can somehow awaken this dormant zone, we can unleash unimaginable powers. Therefore, we refer to this area as God's 'No Access Zone', deliberately closed off by God when he created men. The Power Glove can access God's No Access Zone? Only those from the first generation batch. Three of them still remain. The Police have been using the ones from the second generation batch. These utilise biotechnology to energise the muscles and give added strength. My father's Power Glove is from the first generation batch, then? How did he die? 20 years ago, the United Police Force selected 1 00 of its most distinguished to participate in the Power Glove experiment. My best friends, your father Thunder, and your mother, were all selected. The experiment was a huge success. The Power Glove was able to trigger 40% of the dormant brain cells. I still remember how it felt to put on the Power Glove for the first time. I was no longer a mere mortal, I became God. The third Power Glove got into the hands of Combat 21. Combat 21 and Thunder started a revolt. Combat 21 destroyed all the experiment's research data, and managed to steal a Power Glove before he set out on his own. I had no choice but to confront my best friend. Why? There can only be one winner. You're an also-ran. You killed my father! Thunder was a combat genius. He derived the Power Fist moves from ancient Chinese martial arts moves. These moves are significantly enhanced when complimented by the cerebral might unleashed from God's No Access Zone. That's why he needs your father. And that's why you killed my father? Just one of the reasons. There are many side effects to using the Power Glove. It promotes the will to kill within a person, and affects one's ability to control one's own thoughts. That's why I don't believe that your father was really behind the revolt, he simply lost control of himself. Not long after the revolt, Combat 21 went to a neighbouring country and started an underground army. He set his sights on taking down the current United Government. You're lying. If there are side effects to using the Power Glove, how come it didn't affect you? I was affected as well. - I used to be slim. - I'm not in the mood for jokes. Me neither. There's something else, though. You may not believe it. There was another experiment run in conjunction 20 years ago. Scientists looked to genetics to tap into God's No Access Zone, and devised a new set of DNA to be able to do so. They genetically re-engineered your father's sperm. Your mother did not want you and your sister involved in more experiments so she took the two of you plus the Power Fist moves into hiding. Neither of you recognised your inherent powers then, and that's why you still need the Power Glove. Also, your father is still alive. I'm sick of waiting. Let him out. Miss, Kong is a suspect for murder in the first degree. - He is not eligible for bail. - Why don't you arrest me as well? Kong! - Let's go! - Let them go. Issue a warrant. Attention all citizens. Please be on the lookout for a man of Chinese descent. He goes by the name Kong, age 20. and is wanted for first degree murder. His father Thunder was a senior instructor of combat with the police. Kong trained in aggressive combat and is considered to be dangerous. If you see this man, please notify the police immediately. Your son? The genetic experiment from 20 years ago was successful after all. Why don't we organise a happy family reunion? Kong. The Power Fist moves derive from 3000 years of Chinese combat techniques. Each move was computer-analysed and refined for hand to hand combat, enabling the mortal human body to unleash a destructive force. The first four moves emphasise a unison of aggression and defence. The next four moves are lethal, attack without reserve. If these moves are complimented with the Power Glove, it can destroy everything in its path. Bear this in mind. The greatest inspiration for your moves does not come from hatred, nor from anger. It comes from love. In every move you make, the aim is to protect the ones you love. This is the last of the Power Fist moves. Known as The Wrath of the Skies, its name encompasses its very essence. If you execute this move with the Power Glove, even the invincible will be defeated. Dad. I wonder, what can be so different between the two of us? I also wonder, how does it feel to have access to God's No Access Zone? I don't think you've fully realised the potential of God's No Access Zone. One day, you will realise that force equates power, an orgasmic joy. I'm not as crazy as you are. Who said I'm crazy? Dark? Don't worry, I have nothing to hide from you. I am not your enemy. If it wasn't for me, he would still be an experiment for the United Government. I did forget to tell you this. The strongest man within the police is now on my leash. May I present to you, your father, Thunder. What are you talking about? You're the dog here. He's not my father. Does that hurt? Don't you realise that he is your father, after all? Tell your son that you're my dog. Stop it! Stop hitting him! So you recognise that he is your father, huh? Are you interested in following in his footsteps, serving me as my dog? Combat 21, I will kill you. I will! If you have the ability to do so, I'll let you. Only the strong survive. Such is life. The strong kills the weak, such is the law of nature. He who has the power, rules. If you choose to oppose me, you will be my enemy. You can defeat me, and take over everything that is mine. When you're on top, you can never be in the wrong, even if it means putting innocent people through scientific experiments. Who will stand up to you and say that you're in the wrong? That's why we have these tragedies of life here, just as your father is one. And that's why there are those who are as crazed as I am. At least, I treat everyone with fairness, they're all dogs to me. The day will come when nobody will have privileges, hatred, sorrow or a diminished humanity as a result of these genetic experiments. Am I really crazy or is it this world? It looks like you can only unleash half of the might from your No Access Zone. Would you like to know how it feels to have full access? Be patient. Be a good dog for me. It's rumoured the Red Dragon Army is planning a terrorist attack against the Special Administrative Region. Combat 21 knows all about you. He will try to find you, because you are his only obstacle. If you have the chance to, kill him and save your father. However, I do worry that you have not figured out how to access your No Access Zone. If they try to brainwash you, this can help. This will restore your memories after the brainwashing procedures. We haven't tested this yet, so we can't be sure of the results. Who is my father, who is he? He was the one who killed your mother. - Hi, pretty. - Hi, beautiful. - What are we up to now? - Just come with me. Welcome to this the marriage of the century, a union of DNAs. Kong! You have to help your sister. Kong! She's met her Mr. Right. She will never leave me. Don't touch her! Kong, freeze him. Kong, help your sister! You have to help your sister! Kong, go save your sister! Kong! Kong, go help your sister! Kong! He killed your mother! You saw it yourself! Kong! Snap out of it! Snap out of it! She's waiting for you. Snap out of it! Kong! Get your sister! Sister. Sister. Sister. Sister. Sister. - What does Combat 21 want? - Revenge. This is Combat 21 's way to express his disgruntlement towards our government. The United Government is fully endorsed by its people, I can't see the validity of all this. 20 years ago, the government never treated him as a human being, but as an object to be experimented with. Are you referring to the Power Glove experiment? The Power Glove can provide access to God's No Access Zone, but it does have its side effects. Combat 21 was most affected here. There are no known side effects to using the Power Glove. You were also a participant in the experiment. Apart from putting on a bit of weight, you seem quite fine to me. The Power Glove gave me a premonition of my own death. - Will you believe me? - And when will it happen then? In 1 hour 54 minutes and 20 seconds. 1 9, 1 8, 1 7... Shut up, Dark. You are not to doubt your own government. You work for this government. Remember that the 1 00 selected for the experiment are people too. Men with flesh and blood, and their own thoughts. Attention, members of the soon-to-be ex-government. The Special Administrative Region will now be my own private laboratory. I'm starting with the city centre. 20 years ago, the government used me in their experiments. Today, I have three mice in my laboratory to experiment on. At the touch of a button, I can release poisonous gas which has been planted all over this democratic republic. Your only way out is to pledge your allegiance to me. What do you want, Combat 21? I'm up for discussions. I want half of the world's cash reserve, within half an hour. Half of the world's cash reserve? lmpossible. Let's not be mean. It's not as if it's coming out of our own pockets. Call the banks and tell them the government wants the reserve funds. Call now. Dark, if you want to come after me, come and get me. Kong's act still needs plenty of polishing. Kong, that look in your eyes betrayed you. Someone who's been successfully brainwashed does not feel wrath, nor sorrow, only loyalty. Thunder, discipline your son. Iron, wake up please. It's me, Belle. Can you hear me, Iron? You tried to give your life to save mine. I can't let this happen. Iron, Iron, wake up! Belle. Iron, the only way to save you would be to access your No Access Zone - Unleashing the powers within. - Don't, that will kill you instead. I will always live on. In your memories forever. Belle. The Red Dragon Army needs you. Do you have what it takes? Me... me... me... Pick me... pick me... Attention, citizens! Please evacuate this station. Your future is doomed if you join the Red Dragon Army. Please evacuate now! Whoever kills this cop will gain the highest honour in our government. - Let's get him! - Get him! Stop it! Stop! Mister, are you all right? I killed the cop! I'm going to join the Red Dragon Army! Come with me. You're quite heavy. Give this to Kong for me. Where are you off to? Combat 21 really wants to get me, or he wouldn't have revealed his base. But, can you handle him? I don't have long to go. You must find Kong. I want you to take revenge on him for me. Punch him! I can't. He's my father. Who gave this to you? Dark gave it to me, and this as well. - I am sorry, your account has expired. - Quick. - Out of credits! - Your father's closing in! Payment accepted. Projection will commence shortly. Dad is a cop. My duties mean that I may not be with you as I'd like. I may not even be there to witness your birth. I have left you with these Power Fist moves. Practice them. The Power Fist moves may protect our family, in place of me. Kong, how I wish to hold you in my own arms. Is he really your father? He's been brainwashed. He has no idea who I am. Dad! Dad! Don't! Wake up! Dad, calm down! Dad! Look at me! I'm your son! I'm Kong, Dad! Kong! Dad! Don't! You've killed Mum! I don't want you to go on like this! Is it done yet? Lets call these combat moves the Power Fist moves. Feel this? He's a naughty one. Dad! Dad! Dad! - Kong, your mother's death... - Don't talk about it. I know you didn't mean it. Don't leave me, Dad! Not again! Kong... the Power Fist moves... derives it greatest power, not from hatred, nor wrath... but from love. Kong... your... your... loved... ones... No, don't! Dad! Dad! Don't, Dad! Dad! Dad! You've put on weight since I last saw you. I almost didn't recognise you. I don't have the evil thoughts in my head that you do. Naturally, I ate well, slept well. You honestly think you can take me down? I'll try my best, whatever happens. There is a 1 5 ton chemical bomb buried right where we stand. It is to be detonated at midnight. If you can kill me, you'll have a chance to get to the bomb. You have any idea who got you into this sorry state? That government and those good citizens that you serve so faithfully. If you weren't wounded, you might be able to escape. Why are you still so loyal to the end? I've never pledged my loyalty to anyone. I only regret that I didn't manage to kill you 20 years ago. Everyone fears death, Dark. Quit while you're ahead. You can be just like Thunder, relieved of human worries. Only then will you comprehend the real joy of living. Death... is a certainty. I have no use for the Power Glove anymore. Why don't you follow me, just like Thunder did? Combat 21! I'm glad you came early. Now I have time for my funeral arrangements. How do you feel? The Power Glove has been depleting my life. The end is nigh. Iron, are you afraid of death? Put this on. If it doesn't kill you, go and help Kong. Kill Combat 21. If you over-exert these powers, you will die. Are you afraid of death? Iron, put it on. Tell me, are you afraid of death? Yes. But this has to be done. Kong, it's not much fun fighting against you. Is that all you've got? Come on. Come and get me. Prove to the world that I'm not invincible! Show me that I can't rule the world. Come on, Kong. You disappoint me. You're only realising 70% of your full potential. You don't deserve to kill me. I have long realised my full cerebral might. I am not a mere mortal. I am invincible. I am God! Now succumb to my powers, Kong! Iron, I can hear my sister's voice. I will forever be with Iron. We will never be apart. Sister. Kong, this is not the time for tears. Your power will not come from wrath. Then what? Then what? What is the true essence behind 'The Wrath of the Skies'? Men sought to destroy his creations, and incurred the wrath of the skies. That's right. Love, not wrath, is the only way to protect our dear ones, to cherish this earth... that nurtures... our humankind. Dark said if we over-exert the powers of God's No Access Zone, we will die. Are you afraid of death? Yes. But this fight must go on. Combat 21 can tap into his No Access Zone at will. We're running out of time. You two have telepathic powers. Kong and Iron, execute 'The Wrath of the Skies'now. The Power Glove is no match for my ability to fully channel the might of the No Access Zone. Kong. Kong. Kong. Kong. Kong, keep this in mind. The might behind Chinese combat techniques, is not driven by wrath, but love. Protect those you love. I'll fight for my dear ones! Love, not wrath, will cherish the ones dear to our hearts. Love will help keep this land that nurtures us. Looking at the skies, I'm yawning as I'm driving The DJ announces that it's 6am At the thought of seeing you, I'm not tired anymore Oh, all these years... - Time has passed unnoticed - Belle! - Still jealous of... - Sister! ...who's kissing your lips today Oh, my darling The road to your home seems further and further away, Oh, heaven only knows Where do we go from now? We've lost our bearings. Oh, my darling Are you still waiting for that day When our hearts can be closer together When you will finally find that lost sense of security Oh, I can't forget How we loved so passionately Regardless of the misunderstandings The residual love is still as intense Oh, my darling, Are you still waiting for that day when our hearts can be closer together? Help me find that lost sense of security I love... Oh, my darling, The road to your home seems further and further away Oh, heaven only knows Where do we go from here? We've lost our bearings Oh, my darling, Are you still waiting for that day When our hearts can be closer together...? Japan belongs to the People! not the military! Long live the People! The Black Dragon Clan is coming! Kick the Chinese out of the school! Maintenance is important. Do not allow the fluid to enter the reservoir nor the engine. The function of the pump is only then maintained. And never try to repair it without the help of an engineer. Stop writing! All Chinese get out of here! You can't enter here! This school is not for Chinese people! Get out now! Behave yourself here! Are you alright? Rotten scum! What do you think you're doing! Who are you to speak to me? Yamada Mitsuko. The one who looks down at you! Chicken! I don't care who you are. you better disappear. One! Two! Three! Master... He is Funakoshi Fumio Master of the Black Dragon Clan. Have you already given up fighting? Violence is no solution. Now you see the result. Didn't you learn anything in my school? Professor Watanabe. Excuse my pupils. Be thankful for his mercy. You could all be crippled if he wanted you to be. Who did you fight with? Me. You alone? Your Kung Fu is quite efficient. I am Funakoshi Fumio from the Black Dragon Clan. And you? why are you here? my pen has been broken by your pupils! It was very expensive! You know I am poor. Why tell me about it? Do you guys have some money? Satisfied? Just like your blessed father. Impossible to satisfy. Don't you worry nobody will marry you? No problem at all. Chen Zhen is all I want. Chen Zhen? Yes. Chen Zhen of Jing Wu School. Jing Wu School of Shanghai? - That means Huo Yuen-jia... - Is my Master. Impressive... Is there a problem? I just received... a telegram from Shanghai. It says that Master Huo was killed in a Kung Fu match by... his opponent Akutagawa Ryuichi of Nijiguchi. He is from our clan. lmpossible! I am verry sorry. But this is what I was told. Excuse me. Too bad I missed the opportunity to challenge him myself. Chen Zhen! Where are you going? Chinese embassy. To check if this is really true. A Japanese could never have beaten your Master. Stop the Japanese invasion! Long live the People! Long live the People! I warn you! If you stay too long I will look for someone else. Chen Zhen! Are you coming back to Japan? I will come back to Japan. They are only going to Tsingtao to fight the Germans. because Tsingtao belongs to China. Both Japanese and Germans are invaders to China. Chen Zhen Do you hate the Japanese? I don't know! we have no choice. Take care of yourself. Chen Zhen! JAPAN AND UNITED KINGODM FORM ALLIANCE KARATE MASTER AKUTAGAWA MATCHED WITH MASTER HUO Some small change! I don't have anymore. I really don't have more. I don't have anymore. Go away! - Good Morning. - I am not Japanese. You are not? Me neither! Please sit down. - Where shall I take you? - Jing Wu School. Jingwu School? To learn Kung Fu? I want to learn Kung Fu. Please go! Don't go to Jingwu. but this is over. If you don't wanna take me there I will take another drive. I will take you anywhere you want. Attention. Let's go. JING WU SCHOOL Now that Master Huo is dead there is no future for Jingwu School. Are you sure you don't want to try another school? They are really finished. 5th Senior! - Are you the 5th Senior? - Biu! - Let me take this. - Thanks. - You are... - Chen Zhen of Jingwu School. Jingwu School is not finished. Wait and see. What are you waiting for? 5th Senior! 5th Senior! Master Ngai. This is my ancestral tablet. If you want a challenge let's go outside. are you alright? Master Ngai. Thank you for the fight. I am no match for you. The victory was unjustified. You must be tired from your journey. Come later for a rematch! Have you finished your studies? i am happy you are back. Uncle Nong. I was worried that this might affect your studies... so I did not notify you about Master. How did you hear about it? It was all over the newspapers. The Japs must be very happy about it. Well... Let's pay our respects to my Father. Wait! What are you doing? He is not a Huo. He is not allowed to wear this. Uncle Nong. He was brought up by my father. He is a part of the family. father's asthma was already getting worse. but of course he would not listen. TOLERANCE Please go ahead! What are you doing? Master Huo personally made this board! Uncle Nong Chen Zhen is right. Foreigners have been doing whatever they wanted to do in our country. That's because we have tolerated them doing it. As long as I live we won't tolerate it anymore! I will look for Akutagawa. Chen Zhen. You must make a challenge first. Forget about it. I will go now. Not even our police can enter Nijiguchi. what will become of the Jing Wu school? - Even your father could not beat him. - Uncle Nong... Your father left you in my care. I am responsible for your safety. follow Chen. Notify me if anything happens. - How nice! Get out! a phone call! Who is it? Yuen-Kui's speaking? Nong Jin-Sun. Is it that serious? I will be there right away. We have to go to the Nijiguchi Area. Two. Three. Four. Idiots! - You are like girls! - Dismissed! Who do you think you are to walk in here with your shoes on? I am Chen Zhen of Jingwu School. I am looking for Akutagawa Ryuichi. No Chinese are allowed in here! Get out ! Here is China. I can walk where I want to. Bastard! I don't want to fight with you. Get your master out! This will be a fair duel. there mustn't be any vengeance! My master fought you using the Huo Fist. I shall do the same. I can see that you obviously never could have been a match for my master. Master! Nobody is allowed to enter except Japanese! Are you sure you saw him enter? I saw him go in there myself! There he is! Are you Japanese? No. Salute! - What is going on? - Nothing! Mr. Ambassador... Everything is ok. Don't create an incident! Patrol one. Fall in! how was the match? - I won. Bravo! Ask Ting-En and Uncle Nong to join me at Master's grave. - It hasn't beensealed yet. - That's even better. Be careful. What are you doing? - What are they doing? - Examining the body of Master. Why did you let them do it? What can I do? Chen is a student of the Jing Wu School. tell me why are you doing this to my father? Akutagawa could never have beaten Master. I suspect he was poisoned. have you ever suspected anything? Master Huo was hit by his opponent and vomitted blood. Lots of people saw it. Nothing suspicious. I rather want to be called disloyal and disrespectful than not to know the truth. I must find out the truth at any cost. you better kill me right now. But who did it? That is for you to find out! Come on everbody. Let us bury Master with the respect he deserves. The Japs could never have beaten Master so easily. They will get what they deserve now! Luckily 5th Senior came back in time! I don't understand... how did they poison Master? For some people it is not very hard to do it.. Master prepared this fight for a whole month. He did never get out! That's right. The bad guy must be among us! Hsiao-Wei! You brought the meals to Master? why? Are you suspecting her? Not really. who else had access to Master's food? Me! I do all the cooking in this house! Are you suspecting me? go check the kitchen for poison! See if there are any dead rats in there! - Calm down! - Why don't you go check? Go and see if there is anything poisonous in there! Hurry up! Go! don't get mad! I must clear my name! what is going on? Uncle was suspecting the food was poisoned and Uncle Gun thinks we are accusing him. I never said I was suspecting him! but not from me! Master Huo was brought up by my cooking! And you dare accuse me of poisoning him? let's eat! it might be poisoned. Master has eaten together with all of us. we would all be dead already! did you hear that? Suspecting me! Eat! so let's eat before they come! I will visit Dr. Smith later to see the analysis of the poison that killed Master. Ana... lysis? Chemical analysis. JING WU SCHOOL - Have you seen this before? - No! - Great! - Wonderful! You are incredible. Will you teach us some boxing too? Sure! Right now? Fancy moves not effective. And die-hard training will help. Challenge has one objective: beat the opponent. speed and power! Simple and direct offense will work best. To attack an opponent... first learn to take an attack. But we can hit him before they attack! What if you don't have enough power? You can hit him ten times but he will not go down. So you need more power. they have come to learn Kung Fu. Will Chen Zhen be our Master? we want to learn from him! I he will not teach you. Ting-En is the Headmaster. - Four-legged form? - Exact. You look so shaky. Try a kick! Where is the power? Let me show you. There is a form of side-kicking in Japanese Kung Fu. Go on. - Simple but effective. - Show us. Get ready. Are you alright? Concentrate the whole power of the body and kick sharply at the point. HSlAO HUNG - What's the matter? - Please stay. It's late. Stay with me. I am the Head Master now. I must go back. You were afraid of your father. but now you can stay. You can do what you want. If someone sees me here I will lose all respect. I don't believe it. Who would not respect Master Ting-En? Please? Will you stay? I have to go before dawn. I want to know every move of these people. But they're all Japanese! There will always be ignorant idiots who go against history. I am late. Are you still scared of Chen Zhen? Are you even too weak to knock the door? that's why I did not invite you here. I only have one question. Did you hear about the autopsy on Master Huo? You get out! What's this? Secret affairs? wasn't it? regarding industrial achievement is ahead of China. to break the Chinese Martial Arts Legend. But you have been a big disappointment! So we had to think of something. Shameless! It's only military strategics. This is for military only! This is no way for a samurai! The match was to be fair and square! You shameless bastard made me lose all respect! You dare to speak of the samurai spirit? Let me tell you about the samurai spirit! Justice is secondary! I will risk becoming a criminal in history. This is wrong. I will show you. According to Dr. Smith Master was poisoned with a slowly growing drug. seeming like an asthmatic disease. Is there a traitor at Jingwu School? why did you come back? Why do you ask me? You have become an idol here at Jingwu School. Did you ever think how Ting-En must feel? I did not... have you ever talked with Master Ting-En about the training? You do what you want here. Can you think once about what you are doing here? but always bare in mind... that Ting En is the Head Master of Jingwu School! It's getting late. Think about it. going out? - Yes. Working so hard. Master Chen! Out here so early in the morning? I brought some friends with me. They all want to learn from you. Don't follow me! Overslept? Master! I WILL KILL ALL CRIMINALS. CHEN ZHEN. Hold on! Violence is no solution! General! Move! Good Morning master! Where have you been the whole night? - Where is Chen Zhen? - He went out. Tell me when he's back. I am in my room. The Japs are coming. Everyone out! Little Master! - The Japanese are here! - Calm down. Something bad will happen. Call the Police. - What do you want? - Where is Chen Zhen. Chen Zhen? He is out. Maybe he went beating some Japs. He has a strange habit. If he does not beat one Jap a day he feels sick. Wait! you killed Master Akutagawa. You Japs only know how to blame others. Enough talking. We won't leave without Chen Zhen! I know you mean business. Close the doors! Protect Master's shrine! Hurry! - Shoot the Japs! - Stop that! Draw your swords. You better leave now! What? Just let them go! Both sides have been injured. This straightens it out. We will not leave until we have Chen Zhen. give me some face. Who are you talking to? 5th Senior! Don't move! you will not shoot! I won't. But my finger could slip... Shoot the first who moves. Take Chen Zhen away! Why are you doing this? Akutagawa was murdered. We must question him. - I did not do it! - Take him away! You all better leave now or we will be forced to shoot! Come on... sit down! so no need to worry. Chen will be alright. Why are you in this uniform? This case is too big for me. I can't do anything here. And what about Chen Zhen? - Let Fate decide it. - Fate? Wait! don't you? our Police Department has four witnesses who all claim to have seen Chen Zhen kill a man. Strange. Where did they come from? I saw Chen Zhen with my own eyes. There is no way it wasn't him! It's true! I saw him stab the deceased with a knife! It's him. He killed the murdered with an axe! How many fingers can you see? Two. four! Could you come a little bit closer? No need. That's ridiculous! I was at Jingwu School with my fellow students. They can speak for me. as they are very close to him. What are you talking! Your witness has just arrived. I have another witness to present! I don't think a Chinese witness can be heard! My witness is Japanese! Japanese? please identify yourself. I am Yamada Mitsuko. The daughter of Yamada Mitsuo. Minister of Education. Chen Zhen said he was at Jingwu School at the night of the murder. Can you confirm this? He is lying. He spent the whole night with me in my motel room. He did not leave... - The whole night? - Yes. What did she say? What if he sneaked out while you were sleeping? That is impossible! We didn't sleep the whole night... We were busy doing other things. What things were you doing if not sleeping? What else can you do in a bed... when you don't sleep in it? and you? she slept with Chen Zhen the whole night. Are you sure? Congratulations. Let's go. The Chinese Hero is nothing but a womanizer! How come you are here? I have abandoned everything for you. Now you must take care of me! Cook for her? Don't even think about it! your Master sent you to Japan to learn new technologies. To beat the Japs with knowledge. Never forget your Master's wishes because of a woman! What will we do now? Jingwu School does not want to be linked to the Japanese in any way. Chen Zhen You are a student of Jingwu. You can't have affairs with Japanese here. did I cause you any trouble here? It's alright. You should not worry about getting a wife. A hero should not be sentimental. You want to destroy your life for this woman? Mitsuko has given up everything to help me. what can she do now? Maybe that's how Jap woman behave? whoever it may be. It's your choice. Either you leave the woman or you leave Jing Wu School. you obviously want to kick 5th Senior out! are you with the Japs now? - You want to frame me? - Why are you talking trash then! - Say that again! - Then what? Enough! Chen Zhen Jingwu School will be finished. I don't want any in-fighting because of this. There is only one solution... To see who is Head Master of Jingwu School! Once and for all. I don't want to be the Head Master! I don't care what you think. Here are some students who don't want to listen to me anymore! I will challenge you now to see who is worthy of being the Head Master. you must become the Head Master and this woman mustn't leave. Little Master! Beat the Jap friend out of Jingwu School! Little Master! Are you alright? Are you ok? I lost. You are the Head Master. I don't want to be. I will not seperate from Mitsuko. If I have to make the choice... I will leave Jingwu School. Are you going back to Shangtung? It's chaotic there! wait here. any rooms? please enter. They have a room. A Japanese? Impossible! please let us stay. - Isn't that Chen Zhen? - Damn Japanese traitor! Jingwu traitor! You are harming my business. Leave ! Let's go. GRAVE OF HUO YUEN-JlA A mouse! On the furniture! A mouse? really! It's gone. Mice like such places very much. I don't like this place. It scares me. They were here first. In fact we scare them! I think you are right. I am very sorry... To live with me in such a lousy hideout. After all it's a nice place. Wonderful landscape. Much better than in any hotel room! Is that what you want? Let's move to a place like this then! Are you giving up Jingwu School then? Jingwu School has given up on me. at least I can relax without this burden. This doesn't sound like Chen Zhen. Why? You are lying to yourself. You can't live without Jingwu School. How can you relax! Chen Zhen is lying. Mitsuko has found out the truth! Really? have some Tea. Thanks. Have you eaten yet? I am not hungry. Ting-En still hasn't returned? he's never lost a fight before. The match against Chen Zhen must have been a great burden for him. He has a bad temper. Maybe he is not willing to come back. But who can be the Head Master then? Huo's Michung Fist must stay in the family! How can Master rest in peace if nobody carries on with it? Who is teaching at the moment? Cheung and Biu. What should we do if a challenger arrives? My mother wrote a letter. It says that Jingwu offended the Japanese. She asks me to leave here. So what? Will you leave? I don't know what to do! Don't worry. This is still British territory! can they? You Chinese love to waste everything? Two serving for one table! What is it? I want to see your Head Master. He is not here. What do you want? Master Funakoshi Fumio wants to challenge your Head Master. What are we going to do now? better find Chen Zhen! We don't want a traitor! - Mind your words! - Isn't he a traitor? Stop it! Don't argue! This will lead us nowhere! Find Little Master! Hurry up! Uncle Gun... Cheung. - Where did Little Master go? - How do I know? What's up Uncle Gun? Don't pretend! Where is my son? We can talk about this at night. You said if I poison Master Huo you will release my son! it isn't that easy! Your son is a convicted murderer in Shangtung! You promised! Did I promise? The Japs said that! My daughter-in-law told me that my son was already killed in the prison! so what can you do about it? Besides we paid you very well! You didn't hesitate when we gave you the money? your son is surely alright! Now stop the talking about this matter! You told me the drug will not kill Master Huo. I would rather have let my son die. Help! Uncle Gun has commited suicide! Help me get him down! Quick! Help me! Hurry up! We found this under his body! What is it? Tien-En's friend brought it from Nang Yeung. Hey! Master Huo was the only one at Jingwu to eat this! Gun could have used this food for poisoning Master Huo... Then he felt too guilty and commited suicide. He is already dead. Please don't make it public. it will hurt Jingwu's reputation even more. no matter what! Ting-En has disappeared. and this very soon! Where have we come to? What would Master Huo say about all this? what shall we do? why ask me? Please help me out. Take this stuff for analysis. Please help me look for Ting-En. don't worry! are you looking for someone? is Nong Jin-Sun here? please follow me. this Lady wants to see you. What is it? Ting-En is at my place! no matter what I say. Where is he? Can you bring me there? - Dizzy Star House. - A brothel? What's your relation with Ting-En? I know him for two years. He must have spent lots of money on you. Don't worry. I will leave him. Ting-En isn't as bad as you may think now. He always hoped to establish Jingwu School. He told me he wants it to be better than it was under his father. This is the truth. you have to help him! Beat him! Let me fight them! Let me go! Let me go! Little Master! let's go home. What are you doing here? Something wrong with Jingwu? The Nijiguchi School has challengend Jingwu. What about Chen Zhen? The Head Master must meet the challenge. Not Chen Zhen. Forget it. Let's go. Wait! I will go with you. You think you can make it? even if I should lose! One moment! What about this lady? You can't leave her here all alone. This is no way to treat a woman. Get the chief. I want you to bail her out! won't you miss your shiny dresses? It's an honour that I can dress like you do! This cloth looks old. I will find you new ones tomorrow. I've checked. Funakoshi Fumio is the number one warrior of the Black Dragon Clan. But he is too old. Uncle Nong. Now you look decent! So-Lan. Why didn't you treat Mitsuko the same way? That's different. Mitsuko is Japanese. we only have 10 days until the duel. go on. You treat Ting-En very well. Everybody's treated the same way. Is his Kung Fu the best at Jingwu School? - Yes. What about Chen Zhen? They are equal. Little Master. - Are you ok? Go on. What's wrong with him? - He seems to be somewhere else. BLACK DRAGON CLAN FUNAKOSHl FUMlO Spirit Table of Akutagawa Ryuichi we have sent the ultimatum to the Jingwu School. Make sure that I chose my opponents. And not the military. Have you got that? All the expenses of the Black Dragon Clan in China are paid by the Japanese army. That does not matter. You can leave the Black Dragon Clan if you want to. Your chairman won't agree to this. Don't try to opress me with the chairman. I am only a martial arts master. Not a politician. CHALLENGE Already awake? Good Morning. Are you Master Funakoshi? Uncle Funakoshi? why do you live so far away? I would have taken a carriage if i had known before! Did father send you? I haven't seen your father for a long time. Then why are you here? Because of him. Chen Zhen? Are you two married? No. But aren't you living together? Neither Chinese nor Japanese would accept if we married. Lucky you aren't married. you won't be a widow. What did you say? I will send your ashes back to Japan. you are quite confident. You want to fight? Why didn't you tell me before? Men don't have to tell everything to women. come. what is the most powerful stroke? then hit! This is really powerful. But stones don't hit back like humans do. What will be the most powerful stroke then? Enough theories. Let's do some practice. How about the best defence? Attack! when you can attack? Strike the opponent in the shortest time possible! Huo style seems similar to Karate. Based on attacking first. do you? Hard without soft only wastes energy. Soft without hard can't strike either. how do you teach your students? Has your master taught you that? Bad temper is the weak point in a match. you will lose with this attitude! My master never talked that much. Are you going to fight? Wait! Wait! I am old. I must warm up a bit first. What kind of style is this? it's a good one! Are your eyes alright? I'm fine. I don't want to take any advantage. It's over! Are you alright? It's not easy to be so young and so talented! Very rare! You have much energy for such an age! Chinese say: The Old fear the strength of the Youth" It's true. I have lost! I adopted your fighting style. Chinese martial arts always emphasize on personal well-being. Not the battles. You actually surprised me. The objective of matching is to beat the opponent. young man. The best way to beat the opponent is to do it with a gun. The goal of Kung Fu is to maximize one's energy and to develop a higher physical level. you must understand life and the universe. Never forget that. I have to go. Take care. Aren't we fighting? Fighting is for animals. The fight ended in a draw. I am not representing all Japanese warriors. there are many even more powerful than me. aren't you the best in Japan? is to speak of his wisdom. Not his expertise in killing. I have lost. I never would have expected you to have such a good student. the best at the Nijiguchi called the "Killing Machine". take care of yourself. I have won! Your Go skills have improved. Too bad life is not as easy as a Go game. Dr. Sun Yat Sen was a good friend of the Kokuryo. Now they have changed. Just like the military... ..they want to conquer China. Conquer China? They are daydreaming. It's not a dream! The Japanese army based in China has already more than half of China's military strength. I learned from you already that Japan is now like a very strong ant which wants to eat a sleeping elephant. the ant seems to gain some advantage. the ant has no chance! Don't you agree on that? But as I see it the elephant is still asleep. there is more than one ant looking for a chance... The elephant will wake up. Of course. Too bad... that most of the Japanese won't believe you or me. For the past decades Japan received the majority of benefit from winning wars. Japan wishes to become a strong Empire. People like General Fujita are not seldom in Japan. Seeing all these factors..... a war seems unevitable! You are back! Good evening. - Where is Chen Zhen? - He is out. Have a seat. Have some tea. Thanks. You learned to speak Chinese? A little. You speak well. you are back! Mr. Huo is here to see you. Where have you been? Keeping you busy? I found a job in the telegram station. - Did you really give up Jingwu? - Doesn't matter now. my current job is meaningful too. Jingwu needs you to come back. I also brought Hsiao-Hung back. From the Dizzy Star? Haven't you met her? Congratulations! You can bring Mitsuko along to Jingwu. She is Japanese. They won't accept her... She has done so much for you. She is a nice girl. But what would outsiders say? Jingwu School's reputation would be affected. I can't be so selfish. I've learned a new style lately. - Which one? - Let me show you. It's like the Huo Fist! Yes. It's the Huo Michung Fist. Master said this style is not for others but for Huos. This is to be kept among Jingwu forever. promise me. I have to go to the challenge tomorrow. If anything happens to me... teach it to the others at Jingwu School for me. I decided to leave immediately. There are things in life more important than love. While I am not with you you can achieve even more. I will wait for you in Kyoto. I will take only Lun with me. I am very worried. Don't you need more people? Nothing to worry. The Japs will think we are scared if more people go. Right. Wait for me. please take care of Hsiao Hong. Ting-En! let me help you! Let's go! They are going together. It will be alright now. Master Fumio left for Shanghai early this morning. Stubborn old man! he is the enemy of the military. Send the news to Tokyo! should we cancel the challenge with the Jingwu School? No. We don't have to rely on the Kokuryo Clan anymore. I will handle Jingwu myself. Both of you are here. Excellent! I have good news for you. I found the murderer of your father. Come in! He was bribed to put the poison in your father's food. He is a traitor. No need to hesitate. Take him out. Nobody is allowed to enter without my order. Everybody out! SICK MAN OF ASIA I will give this sign to you. It's my personal hand-writing. Catch! Can you walk? Don't move! General. General Fujita is dead. Don't move or we will shoot! Take it easy! - You ok? - Yes. You are only the police for the Brittish territory. I am here as a Chinese! Chen and Huo will be brought back by us! What? You think you can leave here safely? Don't move! you even will die before me! Stop this! Everybody put down your weapons! I am sure we somehow can solve this peacefully. Fujita is already dead. It is not neccessary to sacrifice anymore lives for him. - Lieutenant! - Yes! Take your men out of here. Mr. Ambassador! I am the highest official here. Do you want to disobey my order? Attention. Fall out! Mr. Jie... A Japanese officer has been killed. I need the murderer for the governmental report. You must understand that. the Japanese military won't give up on this. the military will make use of this to start a war? I will turn myself in. Great! You are a real hero! Back off. Nothing to see here. Looks like Chen Zhen. Is he dead? Why does the police treat the Japs so friendly? It's not their fault. They are all the same. They are working together to bully the Chinese. All they can do is bully the Chinese! Chen Zhen was a real hero! He beat all his enemies in the Nijiguchi Area. It was fantastic! Too bad he had to die at such a young age. - What is it? - Nothing. Keep on talking! To imagine Cheung was the traitor. He was so nice. At least he was of use as Chens replacement body. were are we heading? Which part of China would a battle with Japan take place next? - Tungshan Province. - Let's go there then. English Subtitles by [spannick] and drunken@! M*~~ The mechanism of the human brain is amazing and mysterious Out of hundreds of millions of brain cells Human could only exercise less than ten percent of them. And the remaining 90% that have always been dormant Is known as the Forbidden Zone. At last Man could bear the temptation no more They strove to seek access to the Zone. 3 years after the treaty of global abolition of weapons One hundred selected policemen participated in developing. The police defensive device The Power Glove experiment, Making use of biochemical technology, the experiment was aimed at Releasing energy from the Forbidden Zone. However The experiment was aborted with unknown reasons ... To ensure safety of your personal life and property, According to the Federal Government Security Decree And Anti-violence Code number 628, Civilians are forbidden to carry or possess any ammunition or weapon. Once found, police will treat the owner as highly dangerous personnel. Hi everybody, today the air pollution index is black; And the UV index is also black. You are advised to take all precautions to avoid sun-burnt. Lastly, let us remind you that The Observatory forecasts that an unusually bright moon Will appear next Friday night, 7th of July on the Lunar Calendar. Once again, you can all expect to enjoy An exceptionally beautiful moonlit night on that evening. Slow down? Wait for me! Excuse me? Get out of my way! Belle Where are you? What took you so long? It has already started long time ago! Harder! I'm coming! I almost broke the cyber bike! Okay, you guys have fun, I will be there soon Nova, not so fast! There're cops ahead. Warning: there is a grav-way. Reduce speed now, or face prosecution! Bit me! Warning: Reduce speed now! Digital color on lips. You'll fall in love with it! More? ! Let's go, the cops are after us! Let's go! I am not waiting for you! Hey what took you two so long! You are so very late. Why are you so late? It's all your fault! You put my bike in such bad shape. The long-haired guy is bound to lose. Don't worry about it. What do you know? He is the most favorite Won seven matches, now in for eight-time consecutive championship I am betting on him to win. Yes! Won! Time to collect our money ... Let's go! Iron-surfer wants to be nine-times consecutive champion Who wants to take him out? It seems no one dare to challenge him, is he to be a champion again? What's up with you? Are you still scared? Your hand is shaking. My hand is itching for a good fight. Get him! Look at this Hippie, To beat him up or be beaten by him will be just as cool. You want to fight? No, I promised Aunt Wing I wouldn't do it Tell you what ... I will defeat him And I will win enough money to buy the Power Glove. You won't stop me, will you? Even if you really want to fight, don't get too serious. Otherwise Aunt Wing will know it ... I don't like hitting people on the head, neither do I want to be hit. Now where are the fists? Give it your best shot! Don't think you can save energy for the next match. This is so fast! It's faster than cyber bike! Nova, don't get too serious! Not bad! You can take a couple of punches Way to go, Nova! Good shot! We won! My treat. Sorry, I don't take cold drinks. Try if it cold? It's hot! Quit flirting, Belle! Collect our money. Mind your own business. Hi, Aunt Wing. How angry do you think Mom is? Let's test it out. What is that? Mood boy. The music changes according to a person's mood. There's no need to be afraid! Don't fret. Go. What are you doing? You want to beat me up? No, Aunt Wing, I'd never dare. You taught us our fighting skills. How can we compete with you? Please don't move your hands. Just your lips. Okay, let me say this one more time! Do not use The Avenging Fists! You are saying that The Avenging Fists is meant for exercise and not for practice So it means even if I use it, nobody can tell. It will be too late if somebody finds out about it! The Avenging Fists was created by Dad. What is there to be afraid of? If you can convince me, I will do as you say. I am your mother. Convinced or not convinced, you still have to do as I say! No way! You wouldn't even tell me how Dad died. You never tell me anything. Look, Jazz and I have no relationship But we never hide things from each other. If you do not treat me like your son, I don't know how to treat you like my mother. Nova Mom. Nova misses Daddy, that's all. Wait till he gets Power Glove from the underground market, he will be at ease. Power Glove? Power Glove? Only cops are authorized to use Power Glove. What do you want them for? You are ready to stir trouble again? Dad has one. I want one too. You can stop me from doing a lot of things. But you can't stop me from missing my Dad. Nova, that's enough! You want some beating? Just shut up, okay? Please be quiet. Even if you get Power Glove, it will be useless to you! Jazz, watch him for me. Yes. Don't let him get into trouble again! Yes. Aunt Wing must have good reason for not telling you something. Don't keep pressurizing her ... Nova, your father is a cop. I have my duties to do, that's why I cannot always be with you. I can't even be there at your birth. So I am leaving you the basic techniques for The Avenging Fists. So you can follow practise. My son, watch this! Practise well. The Avenging Fists might help me protect your mom And you and your sister. Goodbye, Nova. How I wish I could hug you for a while. Dad! Dad, don't go! Iron-surfer? What a coincidence! How about another match? Let me know when You guys don't need to fight every single time you hang out. You can hang out for entertainment like racing Cyber Bike. Hey, don't fight! What is that drink there? Give us three glasses. We only sell pure oxygen and alcohol If you want Earthquake ... Don't look! You can tell those are no good guys Staring for long will only mess yourself up. Now look at me. But what is there to see on you? Hey, what is Earthquake? First kiss? ! Let's go. Go ... Why rush? Sing and Kit aren't even here yet. No, I have a feeling that this place is trouble-prone, I can smell it. I promised Aunt Wing I will take care of you. Let's go ... Wait. Sis, he wants to have a good talk with you. Hey, can I borrow your phone for a while? Mine just ran out of battery. Is yours on vibration mode? It is shaking bad! I haven't. BF999841112 Oh yes, I forgot to tell you. You looked real cool in the rink. Thanks. Sing, you coming? Stop messing with it. That can wait! Come quick. What are you doing? Look at that smile those dimples! Are you flirting? Those guys are not coming. You talk to them. Not coming. Right, forget it! What are you doing? Sorry, I hung up on an impulse. Does that hurt? If you want to use a phone, use mine. Some people don't care about hygiene; they have dirty fingers. What do you mean by dirty? You think you are very hygienic? The nails are black, look. You danced quite well just now. I'll bet you are thirsty. I will treat you to a drink. Who cares about your treat? Do I know you? We just danced together. That's right. The dance is over. Thanks. That is so cool, I'm in! What are you doing, you want a fight? Somebody put Earthquake in her glass, look at her. Don't fight, don't fight. Stop fighting! You want to fight? Do you really want to fight? Fight with me! Take them all! Quick, split! We can't let Aunt Wing know about this. You are disgusting; get your hands off me! Go! Don't utter a sound when we're there. If wake my mom up, we will both be in trouble. Nova, is that you? Yes! See, you have shaken out trouble Left ... right ... Still practicing at this hour? I'm okay, mom. This girl was walking on the street ... At night ... and she is afraid ... So she wants to learn some defensive technique. Tell her not to shake side to side. Lift the fists, want me to show her? No, no need. Don't move the head! That is some progress, one more time. You want some beating Don't be so hard on her. You got to have patience, take it easy. How about that? Are you faking dead? Look, you can't even stand a single punch Take your time, make it easy on her. Good night. You really passed out? Don't shake anymore. Don't you shake any more. Let me tell you ... Ask her not to keep bouncing Do you need my help? No Mom, No. You little brat! Hey, get up! Get on your feet! Even I haven't tried it yet,how dare you? I am going to call the cops! Get her! Get her? You still won't leave her alone? I am calling the cops! Miss, I don't think it is necessary. You can give him a good beating. And let out your anger. Where do you want to hit? I will help you Good, you go ahead and call the cops. If I hadn't held you down last night. You could have killed yourself banging your head on the floor. I thought I liked you before, now you look disgusting. Wait, your clothes are not even messed up. You don't think it is just a misunderstanding? That's right, Miss. On the one hand, Nova never lies. And on the other, you clothes look really tidy. You even have an extra top on. Think about it. It might be a misunderstanding That's right, everybody can see it is only a misunderstanding. Why are you two so late? She wanted to go back to look for lron-surfer After all he had help us. But when we got back, we saw the cops taking him away. We didn't have enough money to bail him out. So we came back o see if you can do something. Me? What can I do? So what can we do now? Take me to the police station. I thought we settled it already, why the police again? What do you want from us? Don't you want to bail your friend out? Is that your friend? You guys are all set. Are you alright? You don't need to thank us. She bailed you out with her money. Don't thank me. From now on we don't know each other. What a coincidence. Next Monday is our birthday, mine and Nova's. Come and join our party. Give me the data of those kids. Practise well. May be this leg-work kung fu can protect you for me. Goodbye. How I wish I could hug you with my own hands. Are you done yet? We will name this fighting art The Avenging Fists, what do you think? Feel this. Thunder ... I'm Dark. I am just a little fatter. Don't you recognize me? I have met your kids. If you dare say a word to them, I will kill you! Why do you let your son practise The Avenging Fists? I thought you lived in hiding for the last 20 years So that your kids could lead a normal life. The worst thing your husband had done was to invent The Avenging Fists. So that is why you killed him? You killed your best friend. Did you ever have bad dreams in the last 20 years? But at least, I can see you have been eating well. I just don't want the Avenging Fists to end up in other people's hands. Twenty years ago, I had to make that punch. I have kept this for 20 years. Give this to Nova for me. Then tell him his father's story. The new millennium, the new government of Combat 21 This is Republic Region. I will inject in you multi-beast genetic treatment. By that time, you will all be like him. The most powerful warrior in the Red Dragon Army! Did Dark send you here? He is dying to know what I am doing in here? You want me to show you? Dark, my friend. Finally, I am back in the Republic region. Only this much? I have given you so much time, and this is all you could retrieve? What are you thinking? Think harder for me. I want every move, every stroke of The Avenging Fists. How come there is nothing in your brains? Who did that? A girl. I want this girl, take her to me. Sing, Kit, please don't stop, okay? Help me fix the floaties. I had problems accelerating, how can I use it again? You have problems accelerating. Who asked you to race every night? Why would I need such an expensive one if I don't race? I don't want to deal with you. That must be Nova. Happy Birthday, Nova! Hi! It's you? Why would a man like you have nothing better to do? I was fired. Well, since you were fired and have nothing to do, come in. Come in, go to the bar. Iron-surfer Happy Birthday! Thanks! Mr. Dimple ... was fired. Really? Go get some drinks, go. Do you have a plan? Why don't you stay to teach boxing? No ... I can't. The overhead for our school is very tight. How can we afford to hire someone? I don't think Aunt Wing will agree to this. I will talk to mom myself. Before you get another job, you can stay here. We can't afford much money, but we can afford hot drinks every day. You haven't forgotten? Why are you afraid of getting cold drinks I am not afraid of it, I simply hate anything cold. When I was a kid ... One winter, when I woke up, I found that ... Mom was holding me very tight. But in fact, she was chilled to death. How absent-minded! She should have fixed the heating device. There was no heating device in the street I am sorry, I mean ... Anyway, I am sorry. I got to go now, tell Nova I wish him a happy birthday. See if this is warm enough. I don't know why, I could do this since childhood. But I can assure you From now on, whatever I give you will be warm. Stay, okay? Hi everybody, the observatory forecasts in the coming week The ozone layer will still be thin. And the UV Warning will still Black. So let us remind you that Even though we can see a bright moon tonight You are advised not to stay in an open area for too long In case it might be dangerous. Today I want someone To wish me happy bisthday. I want ... Erika Meganova, Happy Birthday! Thank you, Erika! Did you know, Erika? I really like you Did you know, Erika? I really like you. And ... you ... You know why? No? I will tell you why. Because last time when I was watching your commercial I kissed you. Do you still remember? The feeling was good. And since then, every time I see you on TV My heart pounds madly. Now I know how much I like you. But now ... I am beginning to dislike you. I found a very disgusting person in you. You are pretty but unconscientious. More appropriately speaking, you are ... Narrow-minded, brainless Arrogant, ungenerous. And you still haven't wished me a Happy Birthday. Yes, in fact you should be ... More gentle. You know why? Because ... Because all men want their women to be more gentle. That's more like it. I admit that there was a moment when you were cute Do you know when? That's now. If you are always a virtual commercial Smiling so sweetly at me like now I am sure I will love you forever. But why are you so long-winded in real person? You even took Earthquake And I took care of you, but you said I took advantage of you. You are not gentle at all! Wish me Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday! Yes, that's right. Let me tell you Today is my birthday And I heard that the moon is going to be out. That's why I wish I could take you up there. To see it. And then when we are up there You will gently wish me ... Meganova, Happy Birthday. Okay? How come you are here? I was planning on going to your birthday party. Who would have thought you came here by yourself ... what? Wait ... wait a minute. Are you not coming to my birthday party? Then let's go together. Don't drive too fast, I don't want to hold you too tightly. Here comes the cake! Hand in hand? So sweet! She's my girl now. Happy Birthday. Wonderful ... Is that it? Light it up again. No more. Why don't you have a go? You wish. Aunt. Happy Birthday! Thanks Mom! Thanks Mom! This thing, I have to give you. This present is something I never wanted you to receive. Power Glove It is something your father left you. About your father's story I think it is time let you know. This is definitely the best birthday present! Let's not keep talking You two make a wish. Come. Jazz .. Jazz! Jazz! You okay? Get up! You have forgotten about me? Mom! Mom! Mom! Jazz, you okay? Put this on, go and save Belle. Stop fighting, Nova! He's dead! Nova ... Stop it ... Stop it ... he's dead. Nova! I killed someone. I killed someone I killed someone ... It's okay ... Put her down! Don't fight, don't fight anymore. Iron-surfer! Mom, you are going to be fine. I'll take you to the hospital Put me down ... Mom! Mom! Listen Enter your dad's pc number into The Avenging Fists' data disc. Then look for a police inspector called Dark He will tell you all about your Dad's story. All. Mom ... don't ... Mom, listen to me. Mom ... I promise you I won't fight again, I mean it. Mom ... That's ... My ... Boy ... Promise me Forgive your father. He ... didn't know ... What he was doing. Promise me. Did you hear me? Did you hear me! I heard you ... I heard you! The genes insides you is an art of perfection. You don't even need the Power Glove And still you can start up the energy of God. What is your name? You don't want to say it, that's okay. Your past is no longer important. Now you belong to me, did you know? This is the first time I think so important of a woman. What's up? Where am I? I can't be here. I have to go back! You passed out you passed out just now! Take it easy! Where is Aunt Wing? Why don't you save Aunt Wing? Let's wait till you get well. Don't do this! I don't know! You go find her! Stop it! Leave him alone ... Hold him up ... you get out. Let wait till you get better, Jazz! I will find her! Go outside. Let him rest. Pulse rate 120. There are brain malfunction symptoms. Meganova Who are you? I am Senior Commander of the Region's Police Division, Dark. You have been suspected of murder. You are under arrest. The sky here used to be blue. But I don't think you will have the chance to see Since Year 2000 When men completely decoded the human genome Development in the genetic project has soared beyond imagination. Some say because men have surpassed God's zone God has abandoned men. So the sky began to grow darker and darker. Ever heard of the Forbidden Zone? Normal men could only use one tenth of our brain cells. The rest are always in a dormant state. Scientists believe that if these cells wake up The energy they can release is unbelievable. That's why it is known as the Forbidden Zone. It is an area locked up by God's own hands. The Power Glove can open up the Forbidden Zone? Only its first generation could. But there are only three in the world. What the police is using now is the second generation. It is only muscles empowered by biochemical electric current Releasing energy that is more powerful than human So my father's Power Glove belongs to the first generation? How did he die? 20 years ago The Federal Government selected 100 elite fighters from the police troop To join in a Power Glove experiment. My best friend ... Your father Thunder and your mother were both in it. The experiment was quite successful. The Power Glove could effective trigger 40% of the brain cells in the forbidden zone. I can still remember the first time when I put them on. I felt like God, not human anymore. Shortly afterwards, the third Power Glove fell into the hands of Combat 21. Then Combat 21 and Thunder started a coup They destroyed all the research data of Power Glove Stole one and escaped with it. Left with no choice I had to strike at my best friend. Why? Only one man can claim the throne, you are redundant. You killed my father? ! Thunder was a combat genius. He created The Avenging Fists from ancient Chinese martial arts. The power of the Forbidden Zone plus The Avenging Fists Worked like bullet and gun The power was frightening. That is Combat 21 had to get your father. Is that your reason for killing him? That is only one of the reasons. There are a lot of side-effects from using the Power Glove. One of it being an insatiable urge for killing. One will experience an uncontrollable deviation in the mind That's why I believe a coup was never what your father's intention. He simply couldn't control himself. Not long after, Combat 21 established an underground army The aim of which was to overtake the present Federal Government. You are a liar. If Power Glove has side effects, How come nothing ever happened to you? Says who? I had been very thin. I am not in a mood for your jokes. Neither am I. There is one more thing you will not believe. 20 years ago. another experiment was carried out simultaneously Scientists resolved to use genes To create a new genre in men. that can exercise the Zone liberally So they picked your father's spermatozoon for genetic transformation. But your mother did not want you to become an experimental product So she took both of you plus The Avenging Fists' data disc and hid away. But you still haven't learned how to use your power. Up until now, you will still need the Power Glove. And ... Your father is not dead. I am not waiting anymore! How much do you want? Miss, Meganova is suspected of first degree murder. Without the judge's permission, nobody can bail him out. Then arrest me too. Don't chase him! Put a warrant on Meganova! Yes, Sir! Civilians are asked to watch out for a man Named Meganova, twenty years old, suspected of first degree murder. His father Thunder used to be Senior Combat Coach for the police force. Meganova had inherited his father's combat skills and therefore is a highly dangerous personnel. If any civilian knows his whereabouts Please contact the police. Your son? That means ... The genetic experiment held 20 years ago actually succeeded. How about a family reunion? Nova, the Avenging Fist was originated from the essence of Chinese combat skills over the last 3000 years. The moves were computerized, restuctured and consummated into this highly competent martial art. Every move will reflect the ultimate power of the human body. The first four strokes are the basics. comprising of both defend and attack moves The latter four are dynamic attack moves the ultimate killer storkes. If they are realized with the Power Glove The power liberated is dynamic and devastating. Remember this, the ultimate power of ancient Chinese combat skills Lies not in hatred or wrath But in love. Moreover, every time the fighter uses it He does it to defend his beloved. The move just now is the last move in the Avenging Fist the Wrath of Heaven. The key of which lies in its own name. Use it together with the Power Glove And you can wipe out the deadliest of devils. I really want to know What is inside you that is different from me? I really want to know One who can actually exercise the Forbidden Zone How does it feel like? I see you still not realized the power of the Forbidden Zone. One day, you will understand That the power of strength is equivalent to the pleasure of authority I am not crazy like you. How did you know I am crazy? Dark told you that? Don't be afraid. I don't intend to hide anything from you. I am not your enemy. If not for me He could still be an experimental dummy of the Federal Government. That's right, I forgot to tell you The strongest fighter in the police force then Has become my dog Your father Thunder. What did you say? You are the dog! He is not my father. Heart-breaking, isn't it? Are you beginning to feel that he is your father? Tell your son Are you one of my dogs? Combat 21's dog. Hold it! Stop fighting! Now what? You are beginning to believe me now. Are you interested in following his footstep And be another dog of mine? Combat 21, I will kill you! I will! If you have the ability to do so, I will let you kill me. This is the world for the fittest. Only the fittest survive, t is the law of nature. Whoever the fiercest, whoever is the boss. Whoever that goes against me, whoever is my enemy. If you can defeat me, you can have my power. Then whatever you do will be right. Even using live human beings in experiments. That is where your father's tragedy came in. And how crazy people like me came into being. But at least I treat you all as equals You are equally my dogs. When the time comes, there will be no special rights, hatred or tears. No more ruthless genetic experiments. Am I really crazy? Or is this world crazier? I see ... You can only utilize 50% of the power of the Forbidden Zone. Want to know what 100% of it looks like? There is no rush, just be good and be my dog. An informant claims that the Red Dragon Army is ready for a terrorist move Their target is Republic Region. Combat 21 knows you are here. He will come for you. Because you will be his only true enemy. Kill him whenever you have the chance. And save your father. But I am afraid you still haven't realized The key to exercise the Forbidden Zone. If the Red Dragon Army brain-washes you BT38 might be able to help you. After you have been brain-washed It will help restore your brain activities. And retrieve your memory. But it has never been formally tested out. No one knows the consequences of it. Who is my father? Who is he? He might be the one who killed your mother. Welcome to the century's greatest DNA union ceremony. Nova, save your sister! Nova! She has already found her true man. She will never leave me. Don't you touch her! Meganova, freeze him up! Nova, save your sister! Save your sister! Nova, save your sister! Nova! Nova, wake up! Nova, he is the one that killed your mother! You saw it with your own eyes! Get up! Wake up! And Jazz, he is waiting for you in the hospital! Get up! Nova, save your sister! Belle ... Belle ... What is Combat 21's intention? Revenge All that Combat 21 is doing now Is to express his wrath for the government. The people have always loved the Federal Government There is nothing that deserves his wrath. There is. At least 20 years ago, you didn't treat him like a human being. Only a laboratory specimen. You mean the Power Glove experiment? Although the Power Glove can open up the Forbidden Zone, It has different side effects on different people. Combat 21's side effect is this. The Power Glove is basically useless. You were part of the experiment then too. Apart from getting a little fat, nothing is wrong with you. If I tell you now The Power Glove lets me know when I am going to die. Will you believe it? When? One hour fifty-four minutes and twenty seconds. 19; B18; B17 ... You cannot question the government in everything. Don't forget you belong to the disciplinary forces. And don't you forget ... All one hundred police elites were human beings. All with flesh and blood and brains. All you trash in the old government, listen up! From this moment onwards, here has become Combat 21's laboratory for genetic experiment. First it's the center of the city 20 years ago, the old government used me as a specimen. Today all civilians in Region 3 have become white mice for Combat 21's laboratory. All I have to do is move a finger And the toxic gas hidden in the Republic Region will explode Your only way out is to take an oath and be my civilians. Combat 21, what exactly do you want? Well, then let us talk. I want 50% of the World's reserves. Otherwise, in one hour's time, Region 3 will become ... Half our reserve? That's impossible! Don't be stingy, the money is not ours. Call the bank. The government requests to utilize the World's reserves Quick, call! Dark, if you want to get me You will have to come to me by yourself. Meganova is not up to it yet. Meganova, your eyes have betrayed you. The people that have been brain-washed have no hatred or misery in their eyes. Only loyalty. Thunder, give your son a good lesson. Iron-surfer, wake up. It's Belle, can you hear me? Iron-surfer You almost gave up your life to save me. I cannot let you give it up for me again. Iron-surfer ... Don't sleep anymore. My only way to save you is to open up the Forbidden Zone inside you. And release the power hidden inside. No, you will die if you do that. I will not die. I will live in your heart forever. Forever. The Red Dragon Army only needs useful men Civilians please leave the subway station Joining the Red Dragon Army is definitely not a solution. Leave now! Whoever that kills a cop will become an honorary citizen of Combat 21's new government. Hit him, hit him! Stop! Stop it! You okay? Go to hell! I killed a cop! I want to join the Red Dragon Army! Get on the bike! You are very heavy! Give this to Nova. Where are you going? Combat 21 wants to see me. Or he will never show his headquarters. But ... can you make it? It won't take long. Remember this, you have to find Nova. Hit him back for me. I can't, he is my father. Who gave you this? Dark gave me this, and this. Sorry, your account has been frozen. I have no money. Transfer accepted, virtual projection service commences Nova, your father is a cop. I have duties to fulfill, that is why I cannot always be with you. I cannot even be there at your birth. Therefore I am leaving you the basic techniques of The Avenging Fists. You should practise well. Is he really your father? He has been brain-washed. He doesn't know who I am. Dad! Dad! Dad! Don't do this! Dad ... Dad! Wake up! What are you doing? Dad ... Please don't! Listen to me, I am your son! Dad! Don't do this! You have already killed mom. I won't let you keep doing wrong! Dad ... Nova, your mother's death ... That's not important, you are my father Don't leave me! Nova The biggest power of The Avenging Fists Comes not from vengeance or wrath But from love. Nova You have to ... Protect the ones you love most. No! Dad ... Dad don't leave me. It's been a long time. You have grown fat. I can't even recognize you now. Not like you, I don't think of evil deeds. So naturally, I eat well and sleep well. You think you can kill me? Even if I can't, I have no other alternative. No matter what, I will have to try once. 15 tons of toxic gas are hidden underground here. They will explode by 12 midnight tonight. If you kill me, you will still stand a chance Do you know who set you up? It's the good civilians and government that you have been protecting. If you weren't wounded May be you can still run. Why are you still loyal to them? It is not loyalty to any body. But I regret for not killing you twenty years ago. Dark, everybody is afraid to die, give it up. I will turn you into any Thunder No happiness, hatred or misery. By that time, you will understand the happiness of being. I'm not afraid to die. This is the fact. Power Glove is no use to me anymore. Why not be another dog of mine, just like him? Combat 21 ! Just in time There is still time for me to say my last words. Are you okay? The Power Glove has been wasting my life energy. Now at last, it has come to an end. Iron-surfer, are you afraid to die? Put the glove on. If you don't die, then you can help Nova kill Combat 21. But over-using the power of the Forbidden Zone will kill you too. Are you afraid of dying? Iron-surfer, put this on. Tell me, are you afraid of dying? I am. But still, I have to fight. Meganova, I get no satisfaction fighting with you Is that all the power you have? Come here Kill me. Let me know there is still somebody able to kill me. Let me know I don't deserve to own this world. Come, Meganova. Until now, you can only use 70% of the energy of the Forbidden Zone. I am very disappointed with you. You don't deserve to kill me. You don't deserve to kill somebody that can use 100% of the power of the Forbidden Zone. No, I am not human. I am God, I am God! Vanish, Meganova. Combat 21 Iron-surfer, I can hear my sister's voice. Nova, I have already mingled with lron-surfer forever. We will never be separated. Belle Nova, this is no time for tears. Listen up, wrath is not the strongest energy of The Avenging Fists. Then what is it? What is it? Daddy said that the secret of the move God-rage lies in its name. What? God has to be angry. Because men have to destroy all his creations. That's right. Protect the ones you love. Protect this land that we have been raised upon. This did not come from wrath But from love. Dark had once said Over-using the Forbidden Zone will lead to death. Are you afraid of death? Yes. But still I have to fight! Combat 21's Forbidden Zone has been totally opened up. There is not much time left. You have connected yourselves to each other. Nova, as long as you have God's wrath inside you. Iron-surfer can also make the same move. Power released by the Glove is never like power released from truly triggering off the forbidden zone. Nova! Nova! Nova! Remember this, Nova The ultimate power of ancient Chinese combat skills Lies not in hatred or wrath, but in love. In protecting one's true love ... Fighting for my true love ... Protect the ones you love. Protect this land that we have been raised upon. This did not come from wrath, but from love. Belle! Sis! [SONAR BEEPlNG] Sir, unidentified craft approaching. Bearing 0-1-0. At this depth? Establish radio contact. I've tried all frequencies. No response. Whatever it is, it's big and closing fast. Evasive maneuvers. Planes down 20 degrees. Still closing, sir. lt's going to--! [GRUNTlNG AND YELLING] Damage report. Starboard rudder's out. Captain, the hostile craft is turning! It's making another run! -Prepare torpedo tubes! -There's no time! [YELLING] This is USS Defiant. We are under attack and have sustained heavy damage. We are going down. Repeat. We are going down. The surface dwellers' ship has been disabled. Good. Let it sink. USS Defiant, this is the Justice League responding. Help is on the way. I've locked on to their distress beacon. We're close. We're not the only ones. We've got company. Not for long. Lost them. You were saying? Those sailors won't have a prayer if we keep playing cat-and-mouse. Come on! Push! [GRUNTlNG] AQUAMAN: Halt! You have violated the sovereign borders of Atlantis. Leave at once or you will be destroyed. We apologize for the intrusion. We were responding to a call for help. They should've stayed on the surface where they belong. Please. The men on board, they'll drown. Take the crew, but the vessel stays. No way! That's a nuclear sub! If you think we're just going to leave it-- What makes you think you have a choice? He's right. Time's running out. That's the last one. Escort them to the surface. [THUNDER CRASHES] You know, all this could've been avoided. How? Come and air your grievances at the World Assembly. Negotiate for peace. You'd have me crawl to them like some beggar? No. Stand before them like a king. BRAK: I say the surface dwellers are barbarians. They sail their weapons across our seas, pollute our oceans with their garbage. There's only one way to ensure Atlantis' safety. And my troops are prepared to take action. What sort of action? We have the technology to wipe them off the face of the Earth. Just give the order. General Brak, I decide policy here, not you. But how much longer must we endure these affronts? Surely you realize now is the perfect time. Hold your tongue, Brak. Your king has spoken. Forgive me, Lord Orm. General Brak, I will consider your counsel. But this is a most serious matter. I must give it more thought. He has quite a grip. Takes after his father. Look at him. So peaceful. So innocent. Mera, what kind of future am I making for our son? Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right choice. Will it? Your hands are strong and noble. I would gladly place my fate in them. SUPERMAN: I understand your concerns, admiral. But lives were at stake. There was nothing we could do. The admiral's right. We never should've left the sub down there. Now it's in the hands of that madman. Aquaman's no madman. He's a king. He only wants to preserve and protect his own kind. So who's gonna protect us from him? Whoa.... Hey! Where'd that dude come from? [GRUNTS] Hey, watch it! [tires SCREECH] Out of the way, meathead! Ah! [SIREN WAILS] Not so fast, buddy. Where do you think you're going? [GRUNTS] Where is the World Assembly? GREEN LANTERN: I knew we couldn't trust that fish-man. The sub's been stripped and the plutonium is gone. -And you think Aquaman's responsible? -Who else, princess? We've gotta go back to Atlantis and get some straight answers. If it's Aquaman you want, he's not in Atlantis. According to eyewitnesses, Aquaman forced his way past guards into a closed session of the World Assembly. But as to why he's here or what he wants we'll have to wait for developments. [YELLING lNDlSTlNCTLY] Order! Order, please! First you sink a nuclear submarine, then you threaten us to make peace. Who gave you the right? I am the born ruler of Atlantis. A country we do not even recognize. These are my final terms. Refuse them at your own risk. But your demands are outrageous. They would compromise our entire world defense and economy. Your problem. Not mine. [YELLING lNDlSTlNCTLY] Aquaman! I offered them a chance for peace and this is their answer. -Please. These things take time. -l've wasted too much time already. Wait! A real Prince Charming. is very likely a debt to them. In addition, there were his frequent references to "running out of time." I think he knew his death was imminent. If he dies, how the hell are we supposed to get home? They're in this one. Harry? ! Paris to Janeway. Go ahead. They're in one of the tunnels, Captain. I can't see them, but they're up there. We're going after them. Call for transport when you have them, Paris. We'll meet you on the ship. Janeway to Voyager. Voyagerhere. Three to beam up. Stand by. Captain, I can't get a lock on you. The weapons fire from the Array has irradiated the planet's crust. The transport sensors can't find the breaches in the security barrier. Come on, there's only one other way out of here. Janeway to Paris. Go ahead. The transporters aren't working. You're going to have to find a breach in the security barrier when you get to the top. Understood. We're a few minutes behind you. Janeway out. I see them. Took you long enough. How could I let down the only friend I got? Friend? What makes you think I'm your friend? Paris to Janeway. Go ahead. We found them, Captain. Don't wait for us. Get them to safety. Don't worry. I know where we can get through the barrier. Whatever you do, don't touch it. We've been told it'll burn your skin off. They're not far ahead of us. Keep going. I think we've reached the top. Neelix, get out your phaser. Voyager, can you get a lock on us now? Affirmative, but I'm reading only five signals. The others are... Get down! Paris to Janeway. Chakotay, Tuvok, do you read? Voyager, prepare to transport everyone in this group except me. Aye, sir. You're not thinking of going back there. Well... the fool needs company. Take care of them, dearest. I'll see you later. Voyager, make that three to beam up. Lock in on the other combadge and energize. My leg is broken. I can't move. -Hold on. -Here they are! Neelix, help me with Tuvok. I'll get Chakotay. Get out of here, Paris, before the whole thing comes down! I intend to... as soon as I get you up. You get on those stairs, they'll collapse. We'll both die. Yeah... but on the other hand, if I save your butt, your life belongs to me. lsn't that some kind of Indian custom? Wrong tribe. I don't believe you. You'd rather die than let me be the one to rescue you. Fine. Be a fool. If I have to die, at least I'll have the pleasure of watching you go with me. lsn't there some Indian trick where you can turn yourself into a bird and fly us out of here? You're too heavy. Bridge to Janeway. Go ahead. Captain, two Kazon ships are approaching the Array. Set a course. I'm on my way. We've got to get back to our ship. I strongly advise you to rest. I will not be held responsible for the consequences. Is the crew always this difficult? I don't know, Doc. It's my first mission. Doesn't anyone know how to turn off the program when they leave? Bring the weapons systems on line. Powering up phaser banks and photon systems. Red Alert. The lead Kazon ship is hailing us, Captain. On screen. Have you come to investigate the Entity's strange behavior too, Captain? All we care about is getting home, Jabin. We're about to transport over to the Array to see if we can arrange it. I'm afraid I cannot permit that. We have no dispute with you. I have a dispute with anyone who would challenge us. This is ridiculous. We have no intention of challenging you. And I have no intention of letting anyone with your technological knowledge board the Array. Jabin, can we discuss this like two civilized...? They're powering up their weapons. I guess we can't. Shields are holding. Fire phasers. Evasive pattern delta four. Janeway to Chakotay. Tuvok and I are beaming to the Array. Can you hold off the Kazon? I think so, Captain. Good. Mr. Paris, take the conn. Yes, ma'am. Maintain transporter locks, Ensign. Emergency beam out status. Aye, Captain. The data processing system is behind this wall, Captain. You know what to do. Well... you're, you're nothing if not persistent. We need you to send us back where we came from. Oh... that isn't possible. I have... barely enough strength to complete my work. You're sealing the conduits before you die. If I don't, the Kazon will steal the water. But, in a few years, when the Ocampa's energy runs out, it won't matter. They'll be forced to come to the surface and they won't be able to survive. Something you did turned their planet into a desert, didn't it? That was the debt that could never be repaid. Well, we're explorers from another galaxy, but we had no idea that our technology would be so destructive to their atmosphere. Two, two of us were chosen to stay behind and care for them. There's another like you here? Not anymore. No, no. She... she went off to look for more interesting places. Why were you bringing ships here-- infecting people with a fatal illness? Oh, they... they didn't die of an illness. They died because they were incompatible. "lncompatible"? I've been searching the galaxy for a compatible biomolecular pattern. Now, in some individuals, I found cellular structures that were similar, but I... You've been trying to procreate? I needed someone to replace me-- someone who'd understand the enormous responsibility of... caring for the Ocampa. Only my offspring could do that. Did you ever consider allowing the Ocampa to care for themselves? They're children. Children have to grow up. We're explorers, too. Most of the species we've encountered have overcome all kinds of adversity without a Caretaker. It's the challenge of surviving on their own that helps them to evolve. Maybe your... children will do better than you think. Voyagerto Janeway. Go ahead. We've got problems here. Kazon just got some backup. We need more time. Can you hold them off for another few minutes? We'll do our best. Kim out. Their weapons array has been hit. They're in trouble. Neither of us has enough firepower to stop that ship. I'm setting a collision course, but the guidance system is disabled. I'll have to pilot the ship manually. Get the crew ready to beam to Voyager and drop shields for transport. Paris, my crew is coming over. Tell one of your crackerjack Starfleet transporter chiefs to keep a lock on me. I'm going to try and take some heat off your tail. Acknowledged. But don't think for a second this makes us even, Chakotay. Your life is still mine. Paris out. I'm holding a lock on him, sir, but he's getting too close. I'm getting you out of there, Chakotay. Not yet! You're breaking up! Stand by to transport. Wait! Now! Transporter Room 2, do you have him? They've got me. Captain, I can access the system to send us back to Federation space, but it will take several hours to activate. Unless you help us. Oh, I wish I could, but I have very little time left. So I have initiated a self-destruct program. If you destroy the Array, we'll have no way to get home. The Ocampa's enemies cannot be allowed to, to control this installation. In minutes, it will be destroyed. You have to go. Go now! The Caretaker. Voyager, report. A Kazon vessel just collided with the Array, Captain. Are you all right? Affirmative. Stand by. The self-destruct program has been damaged. Now, this installation will not be destroyed. But it must be. The Kazon must not be allowed to gain control of it. They will annihilate the Ocampa. Shall I activate the program to get us back? And what happens to the Ocampa after we're gone? Captain, any action we take to protect the Ocampa would affect the balance of power in this system. The Prime Directive would seem to apply. Would it? We never asked to be involved, Tuvok... but we are. We are. Mr. Tuvok, ready the tricobalt devices. Aye, Captain. Open a channel to the Kazon. Channel open. Be advised, Captain. I have called for additional ships. I'm calling to warn you to move your vessels to a safe distance. I intend to destroy the Array. You can't do that. I can and I will. End transmission. They're increasing fire, Captain. Shields are holding. Move us 400 kilometers from the Array, Mr. Paris. Yes, ma'am. What do you think you're doing? That Array is the only way we have to get back home. I'm aware everyone has families and loved ones at homes they want to get back to-- so do I-- but I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience. We'll have to find another way home. What other way home is there? Who is she to be making these decisions for all of us? She's the Captain. The tricobalt devices are ready. We're in position. Fire. The lead Kazon ship is hailing us. On screen. You have made an enemy today. They are withdrawing, Captain. Come in. You asked to see me, Captain? Mr. Paris... you have a problem. I've invited Chakotay and the other Maquis to become part of this crew. It seemed the only reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. Will you provide a bodyguard for me, Captain? It seems you already have one. I do? Mr. Chakotay said something about his life belonging to you. He'll be taking responsibility for your safety. I think I'm going to enjoy this. Don't be so sure. He'll also be my First Officer. Everyone aboard this ship will report to him-- including the Lieutenant assigned to conn. Me? I've entered into the Ship's Log on this date that I'm granting a field commission of Lieutenant to Thomas Eugene Paris. Congratulations. Um, for the first time in my life, I don't know what to say. You've earned this, Tom. I'm only sorry your father won't know. Oh, he'll know... when we get back. Ah, Captain, we were just coming to see you. We've supplied your ship with water, Neelix. It's ready to go. Well, you see that's what we wanted to discuss. We'd like to go with you. I'm sorry. This isn't a passenger ship. Of course not. We won't be passengers. We'd be valuable colleagues. "Colleagues"? Whatever you need is what I have to offer. You need a guide, I'm your guide. You need supplies, I know where to procure them. I have friends among races you don't even know exist. You need a cook? Oh, you haven't lived until you've tasted my angla'bosque. It will be my job to anticipate your needs before you know you have them. And I anticipate your first need will be me. Captain, we both want very much to be a part of yourjourney. We're alone in an uncharted part of the galaxy. We've already made some friends here and some enemies. We have no idea of the dangers we're going to face, but one thing is clear: Both crews are going to have to work together if we're to survive. That's why Commander Chakotay and I have agreed that this should be one crew-- a Starfleet crew. And as the only Starfleet vessel assigned to the Delta Quadrant we'll continue to follow our directive to seek out new worlds and explore space. But our primary goal is clear. Even at maximum speeds it would take 75 years to reach the Federation, but I'm not willing to settle for that. There's another entity like the Caretaker out there somewhere who has the ability to get us there a lot faster. We'll be looking for her and we'll be looking for wormholes, spatial rifts or new technologies to help us. Somewhere, along this journey, we'll find a way back. Mr. Paris, set a course... for home. Aye, Captain. WAS THAT THE PAPERS? ARE YOU ASLEEP, RICHARD? I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN SLEEP. YOU KNOW IT'S AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR ME. MMM? I'LL BE SURPRISED IF YOU CAN SLEEP MUCH LONGER. DID YOU BOLT THE DOOR? THE DOOR? IT'S THAT THING THAT STOPS THERE BEING A HOLE IN THE WALL. WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING. A PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS TIME FOR INTRUDERS. WHY? WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM? OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR. I'M ONLY THINKING OF OUR SAFETY. I DON'T WANT YOU WORRYING ABOUT INTRUDERS. I WASN'T WORRYING, I WAS ASLEEP. LUCKY YOU. I MIGHT BE ASLEEP IF I THOUGHT YOU'D BOLTED THE DOOR. WHY DON'T I GO AND BOLT THE DOOR? OH, RICHARD, WOULD YOU? WHAT A KIND THOUGHT. AND SEE IF THE PAPER'S COME WHILE YOU'RE THERE. OH, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. I THOUGHT I HEARD A NOISE. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE PAPER. COULD'VE BEEN AN INTRUDER. AND CHECK THE BACK DOOR WHILE YOU'RE THERE. THERE IT IS. HAVE A GOOD LOOK, LAD. THAT'S THE HOUSE. THE LAIR OF THE DRAGON LADY. MRS. BUCK- "BOUQUET." SHE'S WHY WE GET UP AN HOUR EARLY. BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT, JUST TO BE ABLE TO WALK DOWN THAT PATH AND DELIVER HER MILK WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT. DO YOU WANT ME TO GO? ALL RIGHT... BETTER NOT. I PROMISED YOUR MOTHER I'D LOOK AFTER YOU. BEN, YOU TAKE THAT SIDE. I'LL GO. I CAN DO IT. JUST AS LONG AS I KNOW SHE'S SAFELY IN BED. I CAN'T HEAR YOU CHECKING, RICHARD. ANSWER ME. I CAN'T HEAR YOU CHECKING. I'M CHECKING AS I GO. Hyacinth: AS QUICK AS YOU CAN, DEAR. WHAT HAPPENED? - WHAT ARE YOU- WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP AT THIS HOUR? IT'S A GOOD QUESTION. RICHARD? SHE'S NOT GETTING UP, IS SHE? WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOU MAKING YOUR WIFE GET UP THIS EARLY? SHE'S NOT GETTING UP. CAN I HAVE THAT IN WRITING? I HOPE SO. - RIGHT. I'LL CLEAR THIS LOT UP. JUST MAKE QUITE SURE THAT SHE'S NOT GETTING UP. WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO? - THE MILKMAN. WHY IS HE ALWAYS SO EARLY NOWADAYS? I MISS OUR LITTLE CHATS. YES, SO DOES HE... AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. RICHARD, YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP AGAIN? IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT. SURELY YOU'RE A LITTLE EXCITED TO THINK I'M ON THE VERGE OF A NEW CAREER. YEAH, I AM A LITTLE EXCITED. I'M VERY SLEEPY AND A LITTLE EXCITED. PLEASE, CAN WE GET BACK TO SLEEP? ALL-LL RIGHT. IT'S NO GOOD. I MUST BE UP WHEN THE PAPERBOY COMES. SUPPOSE WHEN HE PUSHES IT THROUGH OUR LETTERBOX HE TEARS THE VERY PAGE DISPLAYING MY ADVERTISEMENT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING. - I WAS GOING. BUT HYACINTH KEEPS POPPING OUT EVERY 30 SECONDS... LIKE A DEMENTED CUCKOO CLOCK. OH, I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT WITHOUT HER SPOTTING ME. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE EARLY TODAY. - I DID WANT TO BE EARLY, BUT NOT SO BADLY THAT I WANT TO GET ENTANGLED WITH HYACINTH. YOU CAN'T JUST STAY INDOORS BECAUSE YOU MIGHT MEET HYACINTH. OH, YES I CAN. I KNOW WHEN I'M WELL OFF. THERE SHE GOES AGAIN. WHAT ON EARTH IS SHE DOING? GO ON, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT. WELL, YOU WON'T IF YOU DON'T HURRY. I THOUGHT I HEARD HIM. HOW CAN YOU HEAR A PAPERBOY HALF ASLEEP IN TRAINERS? HOW MUCH NOISE COULD HE MAKE? I DO HATE IT WHEN THEY'RE LATE. - IS HE LATE? PERHAPS I'D BETTER MAKE A PHONE CALL. WHO WOULD YOU CALL FOR A LOST PAPERBOY? YOU CAN'T CALL ANYBODY. HE WON'T BE LOST, HE'LL BE ON HIS WAY. I WONDER IF HE'S AVOIDING ME DELIBERATELY, BECAUSE I MADE HIM WASH HIS EARS. WHAT GAVE YOU CAUSE TO DO THAT? I CAUGHT HIM POKING THEM. I WILL NOT HAVE MY PAPERS DELIVERED BY SOMEONE WHO POKES HIS EARS. YOU BROUGHT THE PAPERBOY IN TO WASH HIS EARS? GOOD HEAVENS, NO, RICHARD. OF COURSE I DIDN'T. DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'D HAVE A PAPERBOY INDOORS? NO, I TOOK HIM OUT A WET WIPE. AND I STOOD OVER HIM UNTIL HE'D DONE THE JOB PROPERLY. I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO INFLUENCE MANY OF THE WAYS OF THIS WORLD, BUT AT LEAST MY PAPERBOY HAS CLEAN EARS. PAPERBOY. * OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL- * COO-EE! GOOD MORNING, EMMET. OFF TO WORK THEN? - NO, NO. I THOUGHT I'D JUST POP OUT AND BEGIN STRANGLING OVERPOWERING LADIES. OH, THAT'S NICE. HAVE YOU SEEN THE PAPERBOY? SO THAT'S WHO YOU'RE WAITING FOR. I HAVE AN ADVERTISEMENT IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING. I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY'VE PLACED IT SOMEWHERE SUITABLE. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, HYACINTH. THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT WE ENCOUNTER IN LIFE THAT WE'D ALL LOVE TO PLACE SOMEWHERE SUITABLE. AH, THERE HE IS NOW. ABOUT TIME. I'M SORRY, EMMET, I CAN'T STOP TO CONVERSE. WE MUST HAVE OUR CHAT SOME OTHER TIME. YOUNG MAN! WELL, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CATCH A PAPERBOY? TEA. TEA. IS YOUR ADVERT IN? SEE IF YOU CAN FIND IT, WILL YOU, DEAR? OH-I CAN'T FOCUS PROPERLY. THE WORLD'S DANCING ABOUT. OH. MM-MM. OH, I'LL HAVE TO COLLECT MYSELF BEFORE THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. NOW THAT MY ADVERTISEMENT'S APPEARED I SHALL BE INUNDATED WITH CALLS. YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP ME, RICHARD. ARE YOU SURE IT'S IN THIS WEEK? LOOK FOR SOMEWHERE PRESTIGIOUS. IT'S QUITE SMALL, BUT THEY PROMISED SPECIFICALLY TO PUT IT SOMEWHERE PRESTIGIOUS. - AND WHAT DOES IT SAY? "EXPERIENCED HOSTESS OFFERS HER SERVICES FOR YOUR SPECIAL OCCASION." FOLLOWED BY MY TELEPHONE NUMBER. WELL, IS THAT ALL? NO WONDER I CAN'T FIND IT. SHORT AND DIGNIFIED, DEAR. YOU KNOW ME, I'M NEVER ONE TO GO ON AT LENGTH. NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT. OH, AH- - DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR. DON'T BE SILLY. HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS. SHORT AND DIGNIFIED. IT'S A BIG DAY FOR ME, RICHARD. THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT. I COULD BECOME THE BARBARA CARTLAND OF THE WEST MIDLANDS SOCIAL CIRCUIT SCENE. YES, NOT TO MENTION "A PAPERBOY WET-WIPER OF THE YEAR." IT'S NOT JUST A CAREER, RICHARD. IT'S MY DUTY TO SHARE MY IMPECCABLE TASTE FOR A WELL-LAID TABLE. IN MY OWN SMALL WAY, I SHALL BEGIN TO ADVISE AND EDUCATE THE NATION IN GRACIOUS LIVING. FOR MY ADVANCED CLASSES, I SHALL TEACH PEOPLE TO SPARKLE INCANDESCENTLY AT THEIR CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS. OH-HH, I DO HOPE YOU'LL STOP ME, RICHARD, IF I EVER DECIDE TO CHASE ANOTHER PAPERBOY. NOW, WHAT SHALL I WEAR TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE? YOU USED TO LIKE ME IN THAT PINK DRESS. YOU USED TO SAY, "WOW, DAISE, THAT PINK DRESS." WHAT WAS IT YOU LIKED ABOUT MY PINK ONE? YOUR PINK WHAT? MY PINK DRESS. YOU SAID YOU LIKED ME IN THAT PINK DRESS. OH, DAISE. WHAT KIND OF WAY IS THAT TO WAKE A PERSON UP? OTHER PEOPLE GET A CUP OF TEA. YOU SAID I LOOKED "REALLY EDIBLE" IN THAT PINK DRESS. YOU HAVEN'T GOT A PINK DRESS. NOT NOW, YOU TORE IT OFF ME THAT NIGHT. I TORE IT OFF YOU? - YES, YOU DID. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ON FIRE. IT WAS YOU THAT WAS ON FIRE. YOU SAID I LOOKED LIKE "A STRAWBERRY ICE WITH CARAMEL TOPPING." YOU HAD TO BE PREVENTED FROM LICKING ME ALL OVER. HOW LONG AGO WAS THIS? IT WAS BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. I FIGURED THAT MUCH. WILL YOU COME HERE A MOMENT, DEAR? TELL ME... DOES THIS LOOK SUITABLE? FOR WHAT? FOR ANSWERING THE TELEPHONE. DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ANSWERING THE PHONE? WELL, OF COURSE IT MATTERS, RICHARD. PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPECT THEIR SOCIAL ADVISOR TO BE SUITABLY ATTIRED WHEN ANSWERING THE TELEPHONE. OH! RICHARD, IT COULD BE MY FIRST CLIENT! THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET. LOOK, VIOLET, I CAN'T STAY LONG ON THE TELEPHONE, DEAR. I'M EXPECTING SOME VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS CALLS. I DON'T REMEMBER TEARING YOUR DRESS OFF. ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE WITH ME? DO YOU MIND? - I DON'T USUALLY TEAR YOUR DRESS OFF. I'VE NOTICED. YOU'VE USUALLY GOT IT OFF BEFORE I GET THROUGH THE DOOR. IT WAS ONE OF ROSE'S ENGAGEMENT PARTIES. YEAH. WELL, THAT DOESN'T NARROW IT DOWN MUCH. YOUR ROSE HAS HAD MORE ENGAGEMENT PARTIES THAN I'VE HAD BAGS OF CRISPS. I HEARD THAT. FATHER'S ALREADY UP AND DRESSED. - WHAT'S HIS HURRY? OH, HE GOES TO HIS HOBBY CIRCLE TODAY. BUT THAT'S NOT TILL THIS EVENING. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE LATE. - Daisy: ROSE? MM-MM? WHO WERE YOU GETTING ENGAGED TO WHEN I WORE A PINK DRESS? A PINK DRESS? I CAN'T REMEMBER. ME NEITHER. IT WAS AT ONE OF YOUR ENGAGEMENT DOS. WHAT WAS I WEARING? WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE WHITE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH. BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING? - NOW SIT THERE, RICHARD. AND THEN YOU WON'T MISS ANY CALLS. I CAN HEAR THE PHONE PERFECTLY WELL FROM THE LOUNGE. NO, YOU'LL BE QUITE COMFY, DEAR. READ SOMETHING. LOOK, THE TELEPHONE BOOK. NOW, I WON'T BE A MOMENT. I'M SIMPLY GOING TO INVITE ELIZABETH FOR COFFEE. BUT WHY DON'T YOU PHONE HER? THAT'S WHAT YOU NORMALLY DO. RICHARD, WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS LINE FREE. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT CALLS FROM PEOPLE RESPONDING TO MY ADVERTISEMENT WILL HAVE TO TAKE THEIR TURN STACKING UP AT THE EXCHANGE, WITHOUT MAKING BT'S LIFE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT. NOW, WE MAY HAVE TO HAVE A SECOND LINE INSTALLED. BUT, HYACINTH- - NO, ANYWAY... IF THERE'S A CALL FOR ME, FETCH ME IMMEDIATELY. I'LL DO THAT. OH, AND DO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE NICELY, RICHARD. THE WAY I DO. THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. NO, I DO NOT HAVE A SPECIAL OFFER ON SPICY PRAWN BALLS. THIS IS NOT THE CHINESE TAKE-AWAY. AND WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF MY WHITE SLIMLINE TELEPHONE WITH LAST NUMBER REDIAL? WE'LL SOON FIND OUT WHEN IT WAS. I'VE GOT ROSE SORTING OUT PHOTOS FROM HER ENGAGEMENT PARTIES. WELL, YOU'D BETTER GIVE HER THE HAND TO CARRY THEM, OTHERWISE SHE'LL GIVE HERSELF A HERNIA. SOME OF ROSE'S PHOTOS IN HERE, SOMEWHERE. WE COULD PUT THAT ALBUM ON ONE SIDE. THOSE ARE MY EARLY ONES. YES, WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THE BLACK AND WHITE ONES. AND THE SEPIA. OOH-! THERE YOU ARE, DEAR. - THANK YOU, HYACINTH. I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, ELIZABETH. BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED IF I HAVE TO DASH OFF TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE. SOUNDS VERY EXCITING, THIS NEW VENTURE OF YOURS, HYACINTH. YES, DOESN'T IT? ALSO, I FEEL IT'S A DUTY ON MY PART, YOU KNOW? GOOD TASTE IS SO VERY RARE THESE DAYS. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE IN NEED OF MY ADVICE- CREAM? - OH, THANK YOU, HYACINTH. WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE SERVICES YOU'RE OFFERING? OH, EVERYTHING CONNECTED WITH SOCIAL ETIQUETTE AND GRACIOUS ENTERTAINING. SUGAR? THANK YOU. EVERYTHING FROM HOW TO LAY A TABLE IN THE MANNER OF YOUR SOCIAL BETTERS - OH, NO TONGS. TO ADVICE ON MENUS FOR THE UNIMAGINATIVE. "UNIMAGINATIVE"? MM-MM. THE KIND OF THINGS PEOPLE EXPERIENCE AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS. I WOULDN'T MIND A COFFEE. RICHARD, GO AND SIT BY THE TELEPHONE, DEAR. WE WILL HEAR IT IN HERE. EXCUSE ME, ELIZABETH. DO HELP YOURSELF TO A BISCUIT, DEAR. NOW LOOK, RICHARD, I CANNOT BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE. I WANT YOU TO SIT HERE WITH PENCIL AT THE READY TO TAKE DOWN NAMES AND ADDRESSES. BUT I CAN HEAR THE TELEPHONE PERFECTLY WELL IN THE KITCHEN. SHH-HH! PRECISELY. DELICIOUS, AREN'T THEY? LOOK... I COULDN'T SAY THIS IN FRONT OF ELIZABETH, BUT SHE DOES HAVE THIS UNFORTUNATE HABIT OF DROPPING SOMETHING EVERY TIME THE TELEPHONE RINGS. IF THIS HAPPENS, I MIGHT BE DISTRACTED- TORN BETWEEN THE RINGING AND THE FATE OF MY POLISHED TABLE OR HANDMADE BURMESE RUG. NOW, SIT HERE WITH YOUR PENCIL AT THE READY. "SITTING WITH MY PENCIL AT THE READY." OH, I LIKED HIM. I WISH YOU'D MARRIED THIS ONE. OH, THAT ONE? YES, IT LOOKED ALL RIGHT, BUT IT WAS UNDERPOWERED. HE WAS UNDERPOWERED. ANY MORE BREAKFAST? YOU'VE DRUNK IT ALL. WHO'S THIS? WHEN WERE YOU ENGAGED TO THIS? I DON'T KNOW. ARE YOU SURE IT'S ONE OF MINE? WELL, THAT'S YOU ON HIS ARM. OH, YES. I DON'T REMEMBER HIM AT ALL. 92... 93... WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE TOP-UP, DEAR? OH, NO, NO, NO, THAT'S FINE. THANK YOU, HYACINTH. WELL, YOU MUSTN'T LET IT GET COLD. I SHALL ALSO ADVISE, OF COURSE, ON APPROPRIATE MUSIC FOR ELEGANT SOIREÉES. AND I KNOW JUST THE PERSON TO HELP ME THERE. EMMET. WE GET ON SO WELL, YOUR BROTHER AND I. I'M SURE HE'D ENJOY WORKING OUT A PROGRAM WITH ME. OH, SOGGY "BICKIES." EMMET'S VERY BUSY, HYACINTH. PERHAPS ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS THE TWO OF US COULD PERFORM TOGETHER MUSICALLY. ONLY FOR MY VERY BEST CLIENTS, OF COURSE. I WANT THIS WHOLE THING TO BE STATELY AND GRACIOUS. THE ESSENCE OF THE ART OF ENTERTAINING LIES, I ALWAYS THINK, IN ESTABLISHING AN ATMOSPHERE OF GRACE AND DECORUM. OH! THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY. IT'S MY SISTER DAISY. SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA, AND ROOM FOR A PONY. OH, RICHARD-GET OUT OF THE WAY, DEAR. OH RICHARD, YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE WAY, DEAR. DAISY, WHAT IS IT, DEAR? LOOK, I CAN'T STAY LONG ON THE TELEPHONE. THIS IS NOW A BUSINESS LINE. I'M EXPECTING CLIENTS TO CALL. HOW'S DADDY? OH, DEAR DADDY. DADDY'S GONE TO HIS HOBBY CIRCLE. I KNEW DADDY WAS A BORN PHILATELIST. DO I REMEMBER WHO, DEAR? ROSE'S FIANCEÉS? YES, I'M AFRAID I DO REMEMBER ROSE'S FIANCEÉS. THE ONE IN THE GREEN SUIT? NO, I MEAN, I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME, BUT I DO VAGUELY REMEMBER SOMEONE IN A GREEN SUIT. RICHARD, WHOM DID ROSE BECOME ENGAGED TO IN A GREEN SUIT? I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN ROSE IN A GREEN SUIT. NOT HER, HIM. OR SHOULD THAT BE, "NOT SHE, HE"? THANK YOU FOR THE COFFEE, HYACINTH. ALWAYS A PLEASURE, ELIZABETH. I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T CLIMB OVER THE WALL, DEAR. SOMEBODY WHO'S READ MY ADVERTISEMENT MIGHT JUST HAPPEN TO BE WATCHING. YOU WILL TELL EMMET ABOUT MY LITTLE PLANS FOR HIM? OH, I THINK PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER TELL HIM. I'M SURE HE'D BE THRILLED. I'M SURE HE'LL BE MORE THAN THRILLED. AND TELL HIM HE MUSTN'T BE SHY. I'LL BE THERE WITH HIM. HE'LL BE WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CONDUCT HERSELF IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. HYACINTH, TELEPHONE! RICHARD! PLEASE DON'T SHOUT IN THE STREET. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO GO ABOUT SHOUTING IN THE STREET. YOU'VE GOT A CLIENT. HOW DO I LOOK? HOW DO I LOOK? HELLO. "SCINTILLATING SOCIALIZING." SENIOR SOIREÉE STAFF SUPERVISOR SPEAKING. YES. HOW MANY ARE YOU? 20? OH, NO, WE ENJOY THE LARGER FUNCTIONS. YES. NO GOOD BEING ELEGANT IF THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO SEE IT. OUR FEES? OH, WELL, I'M SURE THAT NORMAL PROFESSIONAL RATES WILL BE ADEQUATE. YES, I THINK I CAN PROMISE YOU YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT. ADDRESS? 24A... MARKET STREET. THAT'S NICE AND CENTRAL. YES, AND TIME? 6:00. AND WHEN? TODAY. TODAY? ! NO, WELL IT IS RATHER SHORT NOTICE, BUT DON'T WORRY, WE SHAN'T LET YOU DOWN. GOODBYE. OH, RICHARD... RICHARD, MY FIRST CLIENTS. 20 PEOPLE, ALL WANTING TO IMPROVE THEIR SOCIAL GRACES. Hyacinth: EMMET! MY MUSICAL FRIEND. HYACINTH, YOU LOOK AMAZING. THANK YOU. I'M GOING CONSULTING. SOON? I HOPE. IMMEDIATELY. I'M ON MY WAY NOW... IF ONLY RICHARD WOULD STOP DAWDLING. * RICH-ARD! * WHAT A PITY EMMET COULDN'T COME. I'M SURE HE WAS DEVASTATED. HE WOULD HAVE SO ENJOYED IT. I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE, BUT THEY'RE CLEARLY INTERESTED IN MUSIC. THEY INVITED ME TO BRING MY OWN. WHY DID THEY NEED MUSIC? BACKGROUND, DEAR. MIND THE PEDESTRIAN. SHE IS ON THE PAVEMENT. SHE MIGHT DECIDE TO CROSS. ER-MINDING THE PEDESTRIAN. I CAN'T SEE 24A, CAN YOU? I CAN'T EVEN SEE 24. STOP THE CAR. 36. WE MUST HAVE PASSED IT. REVERSE, RICHARD. I CAN'T 'CAUSE THIS IS A ONE-WAY STREET. OH, REALLY. FANCY CHOOSING A ONE-WAY STREET. I DIDN'T CHOOSE IT. WE'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK. COME ALONG, RICHARD. DON'T DAWDLE. I MUSTN'T BE LATE. I'M ON THE DOUBLE- OH, HERE IT IS. - WHAT, ABOVE A SHOP? WHY NOT? A GROUP OF LIKE-MINDED ENTHUSIASTS NEEDS SOMEWHERE CENTRAL TO HOLD THEIR MEETINGS. NOW, WAIT HERE, RICHARD. I'LL GO AND RELIEVE THEIR MINDS. THEY MUST BE WONDERING WHERE I'VE GOT TO. AND I'LL FIND OUT WHAT TIME YOU SHOULD COME BACK AND PICK ME UP. HELLO, RICHARD. - DAVID, HELLO. LET YOU OUT ON YOUR OWN, HAS SHE? OOPS, SORRY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT. IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT'S NOT A VERY SUBTLE OBSERVATION, IS IT? FAIRLY ACCURATE, ALL THE SAME. IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED NOW? 32 YEARS. 32 YEARS? GOOD HEAVENS. STILL, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU SHOULD BE DUE FOR PAROLE SOON. COME ALONG, RICHARD. WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT IS IT? WHAT A MERCY I DIDN'T BRING MY ROYAL DOULTON WITH THE HAND-PAINTED PERIWINKLES. WHERE ARE WE GOING? WE'RE GOING HOME. - HOME? GET THIS DOOR OPEN, RICHARD. OH, GIVE ME THOSE KEYS. IT CAN'T BE OVER ALREADY. IT IS FOR ME. THEY MISREAD MY ADVERT. THEY WERE ALL MEN AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE A STRIPTEASE ARTIST. CAN YOU IMAGINE? NOW DON'T GET SETTLED, RICHARD. YOU HAVE ONE LAST TASK TO PERFORM. WHAT'S THAT? - TO GO BACK INTO NUMBER 24A. WHY, FOR GOODNESS SAKE? TO GET DADDY OUT. [MUSIC PLAYING] Contessa, excuse-moi. Do you have a light? You know, Darling, smoking can be dangerous to your health. Not as dangerous as feeling cornered to a bad monkey on a hot summer night. The badder the monkey, the better I sleep. And in the morning, how do you prefer to be awakened? I prefer to be shaken, not stirred. Have you located the microchip? It is in the ice sculpture frozen in the eye of this one. I'll get the chip, but I'll need a diversion. Leave it to me. Contessa. [DANCE MUSIC] Excuse me. Do you have the time? It's, uh, a quarter passed 9:00. [SHRIEKING] Oops. You fools. The plan. Frisk everyone. [GUNSHOTS] Power up, Wyatt. Let's rock. Wait! To remember me by. I never got your name. Donnelly. Wyatt Donnelly. I think I love you, Wyatt Donnelly. Cool. [MUSIC - "WEIRD SCIENCE"] THEME SONG: Weird science. Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, weird science. Weird science. Magic and technology, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts, weird science. Weird science! That little machine you zapped up kicks butt. Wow. Look at this. Hey, I still got the microchip. Sometimes there's a little carry over from the VR world to the real world. It's a very powerful machine. And I only had it set on two. Come on, Wy. I'm ready for more. Let's go live the sequel. I'll pass. That hovercraft chase through the fireworks factory made me queasy. Besides, we got to get to school. I say we set this baby on 10 and see how the Contessa handles the love scenes. [ZAPPING] I don't know about you, but I can sure take a break from that VR machine. I hear ya. I got an idea. Why don't we just melt it into a big lump and never touch it again. Gary, there's a guy in my locker. A guy. In my locker! He was there. Uh-huh. And was this the same little guy who lived in your socks? No. That was Mr. Hootie. SCAMPI (ON INTERCOM): This is Principal Scampi. Will Wyatt Donnelly and Gary Wallace please report to my office. Is it safe? Excuse me? SCAMPI: Is it safe? What are you talking about? SCAMPI: I don't have time for games, gentlemen. I want that microchip and I want it now. Principal Scampi? The name is Scampfinger. Anything you want to tell me, Gar? Anything important? Important? Let me think. Oh, yeah. I may have accidentally broken Lisa's spy world simulator and turned our world into a life-threatening blend of fantasy and reality. If you consider that sort of thing important. I hope they shoot you first. SCAMPI: Silence. The microchip. You have it. I need it. Microchip? The one you stole from me. From the ice sculpture! Oh, oh! The microchip. No, I have it. I mean, not on me, but I can just get it easy. I just have to run home. I suppose I can excuse you early. But first, a little fashion lift to ensure your return. These looks like bombs. 10 pounds of C4 to be exact. If you do not return in exactly one hour, the vests will explode. Contact the police, the vests will explode. Stop for tacos and the vest will explode. Lisa? Silence, dogs. My name is Hotloins. Holly Hotloins. Boy are they ever. Scampfinger, please. I beg you. Let me kill them now. You know how much I enjoy mayhem. In time, my sweet. First, let me have a moment to tell the boys my master plan. The microchip you so recklessly stole is the brain of my water dehydration converter. With that chip, I will be able to condense all the water on the planet into a container the size of a Dixie cup. Why don't you just use a Dixie cup? Silence! Arbor high will be the only high school with a full swimming pool. Our swim team will have a decisive advantage in every meet this season-- especially on the high dive. The school board will vote you Principle of the Year for sure. Arm the bombs. [CAR LOCK SOUND] You'll never get away with this. SCAMPI: You have 59 minutes. I suggest you use them wisely. Send in the next student. Ah, Mr. Dinkler. Late for American history again, I see? I suppose you expect me to give you some excuse. No, Mr. Dinkler. I expect you to die. No! [EVIL LAUGHTER] Scampi's a ruthless killer. Our genie's an enemy agent. We got bombs strapped to our chest. Have I thanked you for being my friend today? Thank you for being my friend today. Hey, guys. I'm Winnie. This is Begas. You want to hang out or something? You guys want to hang out with us? Sure. Don't think that as incredibly popular cheerleaders we're bothered by your fringe-dwelling physically mutated geekiness. We're not. We think it's cute. That's why we want to get up close and personal. They're going to kill us. Fork over the microchip, uber geek. Why do you want it? No more water, no more humidity. No more humidity, no more bad hair days. Duh. But we don't have the chip. Bummer. But we still have to waste you. Ready. ALL (CHEERING): OK! Ricka-racka, ricka-racka, sis, boom, bah. Kill Gary, kill Wyatt. Rah, rah, rah! You know what's weird? This has always been a fantasy of mine. Duck. Get in. They belong to me, you old stuck-up one. Take them at your peril. Come on, girls. Pyramid! Boom-shaka-laka, sucker. [GUNSHOTS] Smells like teen spirit. Never thought I'd be happy to see you, Chett. Don't be, pucker butt. Ah, you're finally awake and lucky to be alive. Dad? You know the agency frowns on familiarity among its operatives. Call me Number 1. I'm disappointed in you, Number 7. You've blown your cover. You too, Number 2. Don't think I won't be calling your father. I'm sure he'll want to see you terminated as well. Terminated? For blowing our cover? And for losing the microchip to our arch enemy, Scampfinger. Wait. Scampfinger doesn't have the chip. We do. I thought you searched them, Agent 30-0-6. 30-0-6! Full cavity search. No chip. Just a handful of bad memories. Oh. Now, you have your mission, gentleman. Go home, destroy the chip. I'll see to it that the agency reinstates you and your allowance. WYATT: There's the microchip. Right where I left it. Great. You know the mission. Now smash that baby. LISA: I'll take that. Lisa! The name is Hotloins. Holly Hotloins. We weren't going to break it. We were just going to bring this to you and now you're here. Here. Silence, dog. You betrayed us. Am I the only one loyal to Scampfinger? Uh, just what exactly do you see in that guy anyway? I love him-- all of him. The touch of his full, pouty Scamp lips pressing against mine. His pokey little Scamp tongue probing my inner ear. Thank you. Did not need to hear that. I'll do anything to please him, and nothing would please him more than eliminating you. Well, when your time's up, your time's up. Let me guess. Another one of your fantasies? Wait, you can't kill us. Not here. We'll be late for geometry class. If we miss class, Mrs. Fletcher will call my parents. My parents will call the police. There will be an investigation. And if there's an investigation, Scampfinger will never become Principal of the Year. Fair enough. I'll kill you at school. Comfortable, I trust. Actually, I'd like to buy a value. You have the chip. What else do you want? What any principle would want. Respect, some help with the morning announcements, problem students eliminated! Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the men from AV. What are you going to do? Show us a film strip? On the contrary, dear boy. This elite squad of butt kissers has used its extensive knowledge of reel-to-reel tape recorders and overhead projectors to construct this lovely death ray. [EVIL LAUGHTER] Just for the record, this is not one of my fantasies. Pity I can't stay for the big send off, but I'm expected at an urgent engagement. The school board's ready for you. And I am ready for them. I can't believe I passed on the boobs of death for this. Agent 30-0-6, shut off the laser! We owe you. You saved our lives again. Don't mention it, 00-Buttlick. I'm very disappointed in you, Number 7. You too, Number 2. You let Scampfinger get away with the microchip. But Dad, Holly Hotloins stole it from us. And Scampfinger had this laser beam, and-- I've had a belly full of your lame excuses. Number 3 managed to destroy the enemy's orbiting death station and mow the lawn. Number 3. What a suck-up. Agent 30-0-6, report. Intelligence confirms Scampfinger's throwing another lavish dinner party. Guests include a pack of international terrorists and the Vlemings- - Jim and Cathy-- cute couple who live next door. Well, you heard him, boys. This is your last chance. Destroy that chip and your mission's accomplished. Wait a minute. Maybe that's it. If we finish the mission, we'll zap out of this screwed-up fantasy like before, when Spy World was just a game. DAD: We've whipped up a few things to help you on your mission. Standard issue dart guns, exploding cuff links, cyanide breath mints. Ah, just what you need. What is it? Some kind of explosive death gel? Precisely. I call it dippity doom. You can hide enough in that mop of yours to blow a chunk out of the sun. You got anything here we could actually use? Yep. The death pants. What are they? Like, really, really tight? These pants are the end result of decades of tactical fashion research. They were smuggled out of Communist China in 1963. Two of our finest agents gave their lives for these pants. Now I give them to you. XYZ. Right back at ya. Stop. That's how you arm them. Oh. Come on, I'll take you to the minisub. You sure this is Scampi's house? How many principles do you know who could afford subterranean moats? Good point. Ready? Ready. OK, same game plan as before. I'll cause a diversion, you get the chip. I'll check the ice sculpture. That's where it was last time. It take two to tango. Prepare to be swept off your feet, Contessa. Your fly's open. Yes, I know. Hotloins? Number 2. You're alive-- for the moment. It's gotta be in here somewhere. MALE VOICE: The time is 9:20. Great. Wrong watch. I should kill you, but I find myself strangely attracted to you. I know you only as Number 2. Surely you have a more dignified name. Donnelly. Wyatt Donnelly. We are on opposite sides of the kill or be killed business, Wyatt Donnelly. Is there some way we can meet in the middle? Only one-- the tango. [DANCE MUSIC] Don't worry. They are disarmed. Your fly is open. Yes, I know. Snocone? You dance divinely. I think I may be falling in love with you, Wyatt Donnelly. Think? When will you be sure? When I see how well you dip. You dip poorly. You must die. Scampfinger! Ah, Mr. Donnelly. You have a nasty habit of surviving. He tried to seduce me. I resisted. Sorry, Wyatt. My fingers were numb and I couldn't get my gun out. OK, boys. Class dismissed. Wait, stop! Before you shoot, do you mind if we zip up? Wouldn't want you to meet your maker with your hangar doors open. Zip away. Ha! We're wearing death pants. Not the death pants! You win this round, Mr. Wallace, but we'll see who has the last laugh-- graduation day. You won't make it off the acceptance stage alive. The joke's on you. The way my grades have been sucking, I probably won't graduate anyway. FEMALE VOICE: You have 45 seconds to detonation. Hey, Wyatt, how do we aim these things? We can't. Don't you see? We're wearing bombs! Bombs? Thank you, gentlemen, for making my soiree such a blast. Adieu. Goodbye, Number 2. You'll always be Number 1 in my heart. FEMALE VOICE: 25 seconds to detonation. Gary, we have to destroy the chip. It's the only way to complete our mission and get home. FEMALE VOICE: 20 seconds. It won't break! FEMALE VOICE: 15 seconds. WYATT: What are you doing? Gary! Dippity doo. You actually used that stuff? It smells like gas, but it really gives me shape. FEMALE VOICE: Two, one, detonate. It worked! Spy World's over. SCAMPI: Mr. Wallace, Mr. Donnelly. Charming little trick with the pants. Unfortunately, it's going to cost you a month's detention and a session with the school psychologist. Check me for holes. [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"] THEME SONG: Weird science. Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science. Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces. My creation, is it real? It's my creation. I do not know. It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions? A German, a Frenchman and an American went for a picnic. They laid out their food and went for a walk. When they returned, the food was gone. The German was indignant and said: "Whoever ate my sausage will fart all day!" The Frenchman said: "Whoever drank my wine will sob all day." Then the American said, "And whoever listened to my cha-cha-cha record... "will dance the cha-cha-cha all his life!" Then they saw a mouse going, "Pooh, hic, cha-cha-cha! "Pooh, hic, cha-cha-cha! Pooh, hic, cha-cha-cha!" - Would you like some carrot, Nutty? - Thanks, Carol... but I'd prefer a... hot dog! Dear God! Hey, teacher! Teacher, did you see what he did to me? NUTTY BOY Hello? Yes, speaking. Okay, thanks. I'm on my way. This just arrived, interesting perhaps. Maybe something like that. - An urgent call for you. - This person will look after you. Hello? Do you want a ball, sir? One, two, three, four! One, two, three, four! - One, two, three, four! - Four, three, two, one! Hey! - He'll be the death of me! - Relax. It'll be nothing. - Why call both parents? - Because so many are separated. They're not used to the boy's tricks yet. That's why he's so naughty. - Darling... What happened? - Nothing. Look at that egg on your head. What happened? - I bumped into a tree. - A tree... - What happened? - Nothing serious. Just a fright. We called you because he passed out. Better take him home. He needs to rest. Will you drive us? Oh, I forgot! The taxi is waiting outside. - Take care. - Bye, Dad. Goodbye. - I'm going to the stall. - Okay. Do you have the latest edition of the "Reality"? How much? It's two cruzeiros. - I want all those comics. - Just choose one. - I'll have "Pererê", then. - How much? One cruzeiro. Irene! I'm home! I wash the clothes all day - kiss me at night... - Irene! My God, the boy's been expelled! Catch! Whatever happened to you? An accident. I knocked over a tree... with my head. - So you were expelled. - Not yet. I'm hungry! Any juice? Or guaraná? - Any cake? Or pudding? - Just juice, Irene, - or he won't have his lunch. - I'll direct it all by then. You "digest" your food and "direct" a film. Silly ostrich. You should take some time off. Go to the farm for a while. - Your father is good company. - I can't, Irene. - What about Nutty? - I'll look after him. - What are you up to? - Magic tricks. - Tricks? - Just watch. Go and play, or else rest. You've got a sore head. - Is this an egg or a chick? - Give me that! I put the egg into my jacket... Abracadabra, hocus pocus... What went into my jacket as an egg comes out as a chick! You poor thing, your head's much worse. - Nutty! Didn't you die? - I survived! That's cool, man! Did I hurt you? My blood has gone yellow! Out of here, or I'll cut off your willies. - What does "Senta a pua" mean? - Grandpa Finch said... it was a war cry against the Nazis. - Whose war cry? - The pilots'. He was a pilot in World War II. The second? My uncle said his grandfather was a hero of the First! - Nobody's perfect. - What are you reading? - Dirty magazines. - Really? - Naked women. - Let me see. - Ever seen it? - Photos. - No, the real thing. - Girls, you mean? - No, women! - Only my sister. - Is your sister hairy there? - She will be when she's older. Sisters don't count, anyway. I saw my dad naked. - In a magazine? - No. We shower together. Gee, these are great! - Have you seen our new neighbour? - Where's she from? Dunno, dunno... She's so... She's so... I think she comes from New York. - Can she speak Portuguese? - No, she's dubbed. "Nice to meet you, I'm Shirley Valeria." She'll be my girl. - No way! I saw her first! - She's mine! - You reckon? - Sure. Friends forever! - Is lunch ready, Irene? - I'm about to serve it. Great! Nosh-up time! Yay! Yay, yay. Did you wash your hands? - Mum! - Did you? How boring. You're acting like all the other mothers. I am a mother like all the other mothers. All mothers are the same. Yes, but some are more so than others. All right. Roberto... - Roberto? Roberto! - Yes? His name's Big Mouth, Mum! Roberto, does your mum know you're here? - Yes. - Did you ring? - She won't mind. - Did you tell her? Okay. This sucks. Mum, you're acting like other mums more than usual. Mum... Nutty's mum asked me to have lunch here, all right? Yes, at her house. Of course. I know... Yes, Mum, I know. I'll chew with my mouth closed. Yay! Vegetable soup again? You're having a bad day, Mum. - I'm sure Roberto loves it. - I'll have lots, Irene. I love vegetable soup. Judas... Traitor... Sucking up to my mother... You'll pay for this! A kid's life is a good life, Nutty Boy's life Stump the wicket, steal the flag, everything is a game Stump the wicket, steal the flag, everything is a game A kid's life is a good life, Nutty Boy's life Stump the wicket, steal the flag, everything is a game Tell us, Maria Viola, who's got the ball? Easy! Nutty Boy! You're cool, Carol. Real cool. - Go, Big Mouth! - Five! Six! Seven! - Eight! - And stumped! Stumped! Tag! Statues! Stumps! Marbles! Drop the parrot! Tether ball! Hopscotch! Jump rope! Spinning tops! Spinning tops! Careful, it's hot! My God, look at the state of you! - You're filthy! Into the bath, quick. - Two baths in one day? - No way, Irene. What's that? - Molasses. It's a sweet. Hands off! - Who taught you to make it? - Your grandma. Your mother adores it. Molasses? Grandma? Grandpa! Grandpa taught me a trick with molasses, but I've forgotten it. Hello... Grandpa? It's me, Grandpa! I miss you too. Gramps, that trick with molasses that you taught me when I was little... Yes, Grandpa, of course it'll still work. Yes, Grandpa. Sure. My friends are very good actors. Right. A broomstick? There's one in the yard. Bye, Grandpa. I know... Of course, Grandpa. All right. Bye, Grandpa. Speak to you soon. What was he saying at the end? Philosophy. Grandpa loves a little philosophy. - Get ready. Someone's coming! - Do I look all right? - Yes! Just great! - Here they come! Get ready! You think I'm scared of you, you dummy? - I'm sure not scared of you. - I'll thrash you, creole! - Hey, no racism! - Forget that for now. - They're here. - I'll beat you up! I'll beat you up! Wait and see, Big Mouth! - Say that again, I dare you! - I'll tear your guts out! - I'll thrash you! - Okay, fight! Fight! Go on, bust his face! Okay, okay, okay, fight, fight! Go on, creole. Thump him one! He's got a stick! Get it off him! - Hit him! - Someone hold the stick... - ...so I can beat him up. - Here... It's shit! It's shit! - It's not shit. It's only molasses! - I put some shit on it too. - I'll kill you! - Quick, run! - Run! Run! - I'll smash your faces in! I'll get you yet! - Have you seen my boy? - Here she goes again. He has to have a bath. Here's some lettuce for your sandwich. - We've got him, Irene! - I'm fine! - Come on Irene, let me go! - Bath! Don't take me to the gallows! I'm innocent! Ew. Look! She's even got tits. - What? What did Big Mouth say? - Shirley Valeria already has tits. - Only in his imagination. - Young man. I'm coming, Irene. We're just talking about tits. I want you clean as a whistle. Clean all over. Behind your ears, your neck... Your belly button, your willy... Go on. And don't make a mess in there. Come, Margaret, let's sink the ship! Help! Man overboard! Courage, Marguerite! An old seadog never fears a storm. We've sunk a ship, Daisy! João Valentão is tough slap him... What is it? Never seen me before? Of course, my beauty. This is how I like my boy. Nice and clean and smelling good. A souvenir of the Sargasso Sea. How's that egg? Hatching? What egg? What bump? Didn't you hurt your head at school? Was that today? It seems so long ago! Tell Dad what you did today. Today I played ball, scored some good hits... and went go-carting and tobogganing. Now eat. How was work today? Okay? Good. It's a mystery how Nutty Boy spends his time. He always has time for everything. Time... What a friend! The clock's big-hand weighs upon every tick. The hands turn slowly, stretching out the hours. Time is good when it lingers Time to play before the day is over Jumping, running, playing You're the owner of your world Time is good when it lingers I can play all I want Jumping, running, playing, dancing do everything I dream - No... I like it here. - Up, lazybones. It's a lovely day. I couldn't care less. - Hi, Junim! - How are you? Good morning, my aunt! Another bright and sunny day. - Good morning, aunt, good morning! - Good morning, good morning. Nutty! The bus is waiting! - There she is! - She's catty, man! God in heaven. Wow! How beautiful! Good morning, Mr Domingos. Juliet... she's no one's pet. Carolina... couldn't be meaner. Juliet... she's no one's pet. Carolina... couldn't be meaner. A boy worm kissed a girl worm and she said... "Keep your bum away from mine!" Oh, my riddle had a different ending. Nice to see you behaving so well, son. I'm a professional, Mr Domingos. A professional. Misbehaving on the bus is amateur stuff. Amateur stuff... - Good morning! - Good morning! Right, children... Get out your homework books. Let's go through your work. Where's your homework? Didn't you do it? - Of course I did. - But where's your book? I did it in my head. - Where's your book? - I've lost it. Nutty's lost his homework book. - Who's seen it? - Not me. Does it have a drawing of Columbus in a cap I haven't seen it. Does it have maths and a poem? "1000 centipedes in a metre. I'll have to buy a centipedometer!" He can't spell. "How many centipedes in a kilometre?" - No, I haven't seen it. - Give it to me. This must be Nutty Boy's book. You taught me that poem. Start checking your homework. Enough! Now I'll give you a written test. Juliet! Juliet! Caught you red-handed. Shame on you. I wasn't cheating. I was just... doing research. I want to play too! I want to play too! I got you! I want to play too! I want to join the fun. I've had enough now. - Now what? - A farting competition. - The loudest or the smelliest? - The smelliest. - Everybody ready? - Ready! - Any rules? - You lose if you come up for air. The one who does - the smelliest fart wins. - Who's first? Whoever asks that has to go first. - You're first, Junin. - Go, Junim, go! - Wait! It's coming. - Go on, do a smelly one! - Weedy little fart. - No smell at all. It's started. Now I can smell it. - I can still stand it. Four points. - I was caught by surprise. Next week I'll eat some sweet potatoes. - It's my turn. - Go, Lucio, kill everyone! - Force it out! - Wow! He's a professional. I can stand it. - Three points. - That's unfair! My turn. Watch out! A German fart! Go, German, do a strong one! - An atomic bomb! - Where's the smell? - This German has been eating soap. - Of course! Scrawny little fart. Your turn, Nutty Boy. Get ready. Kill everyone! - Wow! - Gosh! He shat his pants. - Doesn't smell, though. - He failed. - Disqualified! - You're pretty quiet, Big Mouth. Not feeling well? If he's sick, we'll choke. It's your turn, Big Mouth. Onion breath! Bad breath doesn't count. That's cheating! I knew about this, so I ate lots of onions. I didn't want to come last. - Yes? - Open this door! Sure! - What's all this noise? - It's not from here. "One day, Tom decided to find some buried treasure. - "Where shall we dig..." - Nutty? - It's late and I'm tired! - "...asked Huck "...after hearing Tom's idea." "Anywhere." - "Is it buried everywhere?" - Every day! I'm tired! - What? - Nothing! Can't you see I work all day? Still... "Tom said you had to look on islands, under haunted houses..." - I don't pay for everything! - That's not what I said! That's how I understood it. "Like the haunted house near the distillery. "They chose the dead tree behind the distillery." It's always been like that. Even your father says so. That doesn't make it gospel. "They got an old pick-axe and a shovel "and walked for two-and-a-half miles. "They discussed what they'd do with the treasure." - Don't you think I'm interested? - I think it's very funny! - In addition to work and home... - "Tom would buy a drum, "a real sword and a red tie. And he'd get married." "Huck said it was a crazy idea. - "Because wives and husbands..." - You're never satisfied - "...fought all the time." - I'm not! - If you want, I can leave. - If you want to leave, leave! Go! - Go, the front door's just there. - What do you mean? Why did you say that? Big Mouth, do you believe in buried treasure? Row the other way. - I'll tell you a joke. - Okay. - Except it's a backwards joke. - Go on. It's back to front so start laughing now. I'll tell you another one. Why did the dog go into the church? - The door was open. - Why did he leave? He couldn't pray. I need to stock up on some new jokes. - Yeah? Really? - Give me the oar. I need to talk to you about your mother and me. Go on, then. - Is he asleep? - He fell asleep on the way. Come with Mummy. Let's get you to bed. Okay, my love? You're all sweaty. My boy is all sticky. You've had a busy day, haven't you? Put your pyjamas on and go to sleep. Take off your smelly sneakers... They really do smell. Poor little thing. Hurting all over... Like a soft pillow... Your guardian angel will look after you. Have you found a place yet? Good morning, Mum. Good morning. This looks lovely. It's very nice of you. You deserve it. - Have you had breakfast? - Yes. If our house was a castle, you'd be a princess. My Prince Charming loves fairy stories, doesn't he? - At your service, Your Highness. - Thank you. Dad left with his suitcase. Isn't he coming back? Look, son... Sometimes it's better to stay apart. But we'll both always be there for you. Okay? Won't he live here any more? No, he won't. Dirceu Lopes passes to Tostão. Tostão will kick. He prepares. - He kicks, past the keeper! Goal! - What a greal goal! - Lunch is ready. - Yay! It's burnt, Dad. - See you Wednesday, Dad. - Don't I get a kiss? Of course. Dad... I love you. - That's my line, son. - What did you say? I said, that's my line. - What do you mean? - The words in a play are called lines. It's what the actors say. If our story were a play that's what I should say. It's my line, see? Then say it. I love you, son. I love you very much. "I like you very much. I think I'm in love. "But I think my little poem is only limping home." - He's a little nut. - Juliet! Carol! - I can see you. - That isn't right, Miss. - You can "hear" them. - Very funny. - Miss... - Yes? - What about the end of year party? - That's right! - Who's been rehearsing? - Me! Me! Me! Okay, okay, okay! Roberto, what will you do? The Beatles. This is my group. I'm John Lennon. What about you, Nutty Boy? Maybe a poetry recital. - He's a poet, Miss. - That's true. He's a poet. - Nutty Boy is a great poet. - Did you know that? He's like Castro Alves. You should read some of his verses. - Did you get one too? - Didn't I show you the verses he did for me? Is everything all right? DO NOT DISTURB - He's still not eating? - Not much. He only had a sandwich and some milk. And he won't let me into his room. It was the same yesterday. He'll be like this for days. Take him to a doctor. A psychologist... No, Irene. He'll come out of his room soon and fly about like a rocket. Leave him be. Sadness has to be chewed over... Like bubble-gum. I bet your father said that. Of course he did. Your eyes are on everything, wide with fright. The Lieutenant goes by towards the gallows where he must die alone for all condemned men. My city of Minas, my hope and my despair... Soldiers seized me like any common brigand... I toiled for everyone, but they've all abandoned me. They're full of fear, they flee from me. For whom did I work so zealously? He laboured for all and see what befell. Those whom he served no longer know his face. When misfortune runs deep, most friends disappear. - Close the curtain, Nutty! - Okay. Off stage, off stage! Let me close it! Let me close it. Recite something. I'll recite one of my own poems. "The Theory of Sides." Every side has its side, I have my own side. I can live alongside your side which used to be mine. Grandpa Passarinho! So? What new potions - have you got for old people? - Mr Hortencio! We have lots of new things. Remedies that will raise the dead, you'll see. It's been so long since we've heard from you. He who's up and out of bed can't send letters to be read. I can see you haven't stayed in bed. You're looking great! The face doesn't show what the heart hides. Just take a look at this prescription. Have you been to the doctor? Who took you? - My secretary here. - Your grandchild. How he's grown! - Are you a librarian, son? - He loves books. He spends the whole day reading. Can you fill this prescription for me? I'm going to buy my grandson some chocolate. Hi! What's the latest in chocolate for kids? Hello? Oops! Dad didn't come just for the school party. No, he didn't say anything else. They've both been in and out all day. You know that Dad's crazy about him. He said Dad had been to lots of doctors and chemists. He's a hypochondriac. You know that. The aspirin king. Yeah. Don't worry. It's normal for him. He wants to take Nutty to the farm? Okay. Okay. Alright, alright! I'll take everybody. - He's taking the whole lot? - Don't worry. It's all arranged. The rest will go later. - They can't all fit in the plane. - Plane? My God! Hey, look! Those cows down there look like ants. Those aren't cows, dummy! - What are they, then? - Giant ants! But, darling... he can't land down here. The field is overgrown. Oh my God! He's got three kids in that jalopy of his. - He's a good pilot. - He can't land. - The strip's full of weeds. - It's a paddock. Stubborn old man! He shouldn't be flying kids in that thing. Relax. It'll be all right. Look! I knew it. He loves to make me worry. He's still great. He's flown all over Brazil. He was a pioneer in the Amazon. - After the war? - Yes. A survey pilot. - What is it? - I've brought the kids. They were so keen to fly. Look! A hot-air balloon. Your grandpa's plane is a time machine! We've gone way back in time. - Did you make cookies? - Sure. - Any sweets? - Sure. - Buns? - Sure. - Doughnuts? - Sure. - Cake? - Sure. Grandma, I forgot... This is my friend. - Best friend. - My best friend. His name is Roberto, but you can call him Big Mouth. - This is Nina, his sister. - She's so sweet. You can call her The Leech. - The Leech? - Because she sticks to me. Shall we sing? O gardener, why are you so sad? But what happened to you? was the branch that fell from the Camellia He took two breaths and then died was the branch that fell from the Camellia He took two breaths and then died Here we are. Let's get out. - Afternoon, sir! - Good afternoon, Hortêncio. - Good afternoon, Ivan. Everything okay? - Yes, thank God. Help me with the bags. - Is it all laid out? - Yes, sweetheart. Come on, Big Mouth! Nina! Grandma! You're wonderful! A million jams and jellies and tons of cookies! I love making things for that boy. Just a couple of pots of jelly and a few plates of cookies. Let's get ready to do it all over again tomorrow. - Let's go over to that church. - Come on. - Wait for me! - Lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Come, come! We come in peace. In peace. Peace. - In peace! - In peace! You dummies! What do you think we are? Hicks? See? You got it all wrong. Leave this to me. Now look here, you natives... Nina! - Where's my sister? - Right here, watching. - I have to save my sister. - Anyone know Grandpa Passarinho? - Sure. - I want a volunteer to escort the young lady there. War is no place for women. - But I want to fight. - Don't be silly. Go home! You go, Toquinho. - I don't want to go. - But you will anyway. Is she out of danger now? - I think so. - Then let's carry on. Stop! Quiet! Stop! What nonsense! This is absurd! Two grown boys fighting like savages. And what's worse, fighting with family! - Family? That moron? - Moron, your grandmother! - Who, me? - Sorry, Grandma. - You're his grandma? - Great aunt. Same thing. - He doesn't deserve you. - Nor do you! Stop that! Stop that! I'm the referee in this war. - There were 20 of them. - But none of the others took part. In my war, only leaders fight. Army against army. - But his army was just me. - He was dismissed. - So you're my cousin? - Dunno. Grandpa Passarinho's my great uncle. I guess it's because - he married my great aunt. - He married a great aunt? Having all these children around makes me feel years younger. But don't go so far as to turn back into a little boy. Just look at this. A whole load of things from my old days to give them. Just look at this... I used to love tops. Except I don't think that the boys of today would even know what a top was. Yes, old man, times have changed. But there'll always be someone to teach them. Look what I've found. I was a wizard with this ball. - Do you have a soccer team? - Sure. Our team in unbeaten. - We've never been beaten. - Does she play too? She's a cheer-leader. - See? I can still do it. - Grandpa! Grandpa! We want to have an international match. A game here! - Yes, out on the field. - An international match? All we need is a sponsor. How about you? I'll mail this letter to invite our team for the game. The girls too? Sure! Our cheer squad. Every Sunday There was a band in the garden gazebo Beautiful music, heard from afar Seraph's playing the tuba Hey, guys, meet my cousin. Cousin? You both look as crazy as each other. Their teeth are different. Twiddledee, Twiddledum... Toquinho... Show your face. - Fatso... - Present. - Snow White... - My teeth, that is. Bruce Lee... - ...and Freckles. - Hi. And the result of this melody played on the tuba Hortêncio is like an eternal child. He treats this game as if it were his life's ambition. No more training. He won't let us ruin the field. Why do you need to train? You've been training for ages. - Not for an international match. - What's your team's name? Hortêncio Football Club! That's a big problem. Right, Big Mouth? Problem? Yeah. Our team is also called Hortêncio! That's one big lie! No, Nina. You can't come along on this mission. - You never learn. - I want to go. - You can't. You can't. - I'm going. - You are not. - And why not? It's dangerous. Girls can't cope. We're going on a fruit raid. I want to be a thief too. That mango tree belongs to the meanest man in town. It's the only one with fruit. This is no job for a girl. - Ten. - Ten what? Ten mangoes. - Can you get home alone? - Yes. Ten mangoes. - Five! - Eight. - Six. - Seven and a half. Deal. Seven and a half for you. Now get going. Seven and a half. And a half? Is that with or without the stone? Hey! What are you doing? Climbing over the wall to steal some mangoes. - That's my uncle's farm. - Rotten luck! - Hey... I know your face. - Oh, my God. It's you! I've been looking for you. Get down here. - You're crazy. - If you jump in there, I'll set my uncle's dogs on you. From the frying pan into the fire! It's your choice. - The guys! - You've had it. Tonico! Nutty! - Tonico! Nutty! - What? He's going to set the dogs on us. - Who? - Quincas "Shithands". - Who? - Shithands. We played a trick with a broomstick to put shit on his hand. - You do that too? - Grandpa taught me. - With shit? - No, with molasses. - He taught us to use shit. - Gee, Grandpa... - He's coming, you guys. - How did he get here? - His uncle owns the mangoes. - It's a small world. King Kong! Leo! Leo! Get them! In the tree! Get them, King Kong! - Is that a gorilla-dog? - No. Why is he called King Kong? Because he climbs trees. - Watch out! - Get them King Kong. - Go up Nutty! - Higher! - Keep going! - Higher! Get them! Attack! - He's climbing! - Watch out, Big Mouth! - Oh my God! - Get the fat one, King Kong! Oh no! King Kong's taken my shoe! We're saved! The smell will kill him. Stop joking. He's climbing the tree. - Eat them, King Kong! - King Kong's going to bite me! - Get them, King Kong! Eat them! - Holy Mary! - Higher, Tonico! - Attack, King Kong, attack! - Climb up higher, Nutty, higher! - Where to? - To the top. - Sure, I'll fly up. Attack, King Kong, go! Grab them! - End of the line. - We've had it. He's going to get us. Hail Mary, full of grace... - ... The Lord is with thee... - Oh, my God, please... - What is it, son? - God? - No, it's your grandpa. - Grandpa, it's you! - We're safe! - We're safe! Take this. Up here. Come. Come. Come, Tonico. Come, Tonico, come! Come, Big Mouth. Hurry! Come, Big Mouth! The dog! He got my other shoe! Dog! Grandpa... You've just saved the future leaders of this country. Is that right? You bunch of mango thieves... - Where are we going? - Down. Look down there. Your team's arriving. - There's the train. - Look! Hey, here! This is the cup for the winners tomorrow. - It's the cup! - Just like Brazil's. When you've eaten, bed! - But it's still early. - We'll go shortly! Gee, grandma, okay, shortly. Isn't there a competition? Okay, but soon, Grandma! Tomorrow we'll see who wins the cup. - Must the fans go to bed too? - What about us? You go home, and the visitors to their rooms. - Now! - Now, Grandma. Hortêncio, did you see their excitement? They're so happy about this game. You too, my old man, right? Hortêncio? He's asleep. - Can I stay here with you? - Do you think that's fair? - Yes! - They're all in bed, and you - should be too. One rule for all. - I can't sleep. - Tried counting sheep? - Even counting bunnies doesn't work, and they're faster. - Grandpa, I... - Don't change the conversation. Let Grandpa sleep and off you go too. - All right. Good night. - Good night, son. Night, Grandpa. Grandma... Does Grandpa get cold when he's asleep? Hortêncio lived as free as a bird and chose to die in the way that best suited him. An appropriate, serene death. A death we would all wish for. He died like a little bird. May our farewells, although unable to extinguish our grief, rekindle our joy. Mum... Mum... What's going to happen? Grandpa wanted it so much. I know, son. It'll be exactly as he wanted. Okay? Big Mouth... Big Mouth. Go on, my son! Hurry up, guys, c'mon! You run like chicken soup You need better players to beat our team Olê,olê,olê,ola , Nutty will win, Nutty will win Hortêncio was so excited about this game... - Dad was just a kid. - He'd want it to go on. He loved soccer. - Heads... - Tails! - Heads. - We'll take this side. This is ours. Hello, hello. Hello. I'm recording the match. That's my boy! Yes! - Foul! - Go, Nutty! Grab it, Nutty! He flies, he flies. He flies like a plane It will be written "Nutty the Champion" We've already won, we've already won We've already won, we've already won Go Nutty, go Nutty Go Nutty, go Nutty Go Nutty, go Nutty Olê, olê, olê, ola Nutty will win, Nutty will win Olê, olê, olê, ola Nutty will win, Nutty will win Get out of the goal, son! Off side! - Good! - Beautiful! Bravo! - Save it, Nutty! - Move over a bit. More, more. Okay! Grab it, Nutty! Like that, my son! It's impressive, gentlemen. Truly impressive. He just flies out to meet the ball. He falls to the side, he falls forward. He falls with his legs in the air. - He falls on his bottom. - What a goal keeper! He dances in space with the ball in his hands. He gets it every time. He catches every one. But the one thing he couldn't catch hold of was time. And so time went by and like everyone else, Nutty grew up. He grew and became a good guy, and also a nice guy. And that's when everyone found out that he hadn't been so nutty after all. He'd been a happy boy. Subtitles: Giovanna Molloy Mary Anne Slavich Additional translation and subtitles: Quantum 12/2010 ( theme music playing ) RICHARD? I KNOW THAT VOICE. DO YOU REMEMBER THE WINSLOWS? NO. THEY'VE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING. THEY CAME TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS, AND THEY'VE NEVER INVITED US BACK. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. I THINK I CAN. IT MUST BE AN OVERSIGHT. THEY'RE NOT THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO'D COMMIT A BREECH OF MANNERS. YOU MUST RING THEM FOR A CHAT AND DROP A HINT, RICHARD. - ME? - I'D DO IT MYSELF, ONLY I'M NOT THE SORT OF PERSON WHO GOES FISHING FOR INVITATIONS. I CAN'T DO THAT. GOOD, THAT'S SETTLED THEN. ROSE IS ALL EXCITED. WE ALL KNOW THAT. MOST OF THE MALE POPULATION KNOWS THAT. SHE'S ENGAGED. YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE ETERNAL OPTIMISM. SHE THINKS THIS IS THE REAL THING. IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW BY NOW, SHE NEVER WILL. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE ENGAGED? THOSE WONDERFUL HOURS AT THE BACK OF THE BAKERY. THAT WASN'T ME! RICHARD! I WONDER WHAT THE VOICE OF GOD SOUNDS LIKE. ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD OUR INVITATIONS TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE'LL GET ONE THIS YEAR. OF COURSE WE WILL. WE'VE ALWAYS HAD ONE. WHEN I WAS AN OFFICER OF THE COUNCIL, BUT I'M RETIRED NOW. THAT'S NO EXCUSE. IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS IF WE DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. AND RICHARD? ISN'T IT TIME WE MADE OURSELVES KNOWN TO OUR NEW NEIGHBOR? HAVE WE GOT A NEW NEIGHBOR? OH, YES. A MRS. DONAHUE. SHE WAS A PROCTOR. YOU KNOW, "PROCTOR'S PICKLES." HER FATHER IS VERY HIGHLY PLACED IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES. I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANYONE MOVING INTO THE ROAD. IT'S IN THE NEXT ROAD. AND THAT'S A NEW NEIGHBOR? IN ANOTHER ROAD? I DON'T SEE THAT AS A BARRIER. SHE'S STILL WITHIN OUR POSTCODE. - HOW ENGAGED? - SHE'S ENGAGED. YOU'RE EITHER ENGAGED OR YOU'RE NOT. ROSE IS ENGAGED. HAS SHE GOT A RING? I MEAN, HAS SHE GOT ANOTHER RING? SHE JUST SHOWED IT TO ME. IT'S LOVELY. SHE MUST HAVE MORE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THAN THERE ARE IN WILLIS' WINDOW. SHE HAD MORE THAN I HAD WHEN SHE HAD ONE. I COULDN'T AFFORD AN ENGAGEMENT RING. DIDN'T STOP YOU WANTING ALL THE PRIVILEGES THOUGH, DID IT? MIND YOU, I MUST SAY YOU'VE SLOWED DOWN A LOT SINCE. GOOD NIGHT, DAISE. COME ON, MICHAEL, COME ON. STIFFEN THE SINEWS. DUTY CALLS. MRS. BUCKET-- "BOUQUET." "BOUQUET." OH, HAVEN'T YOU AN INVITATION FOR ME? WHY WOULD I INVITE YOU ANYWHERE? I MEAN, AN INVITATION TO THE LORD MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. - IT MUST BE IN THERE. - OH! NO. SORRY. PLEASE CHECK AT THE SORTING OFFICE THAT YOU'VE NOT OVERLOOKED MY INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. DRINK UP, ELIZABETH. I WON'T BE A MOMENT. BUT AS YOU ARE FIVE MINUTES EARLY FOR COFFEE THIS MORNING, I HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED MAKING MY CAKES. RICHARD WON'T BE JOINING US YET. HE'S HAVING A CHAT WITH THE MAYOR AT THE TOWN HALL. LUCKY RICHARD. I THOUGHT I'D BETTER SEND HIM ALONG PERSONALLY. ( clattering ) THE MAYOR WILL BE SO DISTRESSED WHEN HE REALIZES OUR INVITATIONS ARE LATE. - INVITATIONS? - TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. WE ALWAYS GET AN INVITATION TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. ( dishes clattering ) IT'S THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE MUNICIPAL YEAR. IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE. ( sighs ) I'M SURE IT IS. LAST YEAR I WENT AS CLEOPATRA. RICHARD WENT AS MARC ANTHONY. BUT QUITE FRANKLY, HE WAS SOMETHING OF A DISAPPOINTMENT AS A ROMAN. HE NEVER QUITE GOT CONTROL OF HIS JAVELIN. I STILL HAVE THE SCAR. PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE NOT INVITED. I HATED BEING A ROMAN. IT WAS DAMN DIFFICULT JUGGLING WITH THAT JAVELIN AND THE BUFFET. ARE YOU ON THE LIST? I DON'T SUPPOSE WE ARE NOW THAT I'VE RETIRED. - BUT HYACINTH WANTS TO GO? - VERY MUCH SO. I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST. THANKS, PAUL. THIS WILL MAKE LIFE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME. NOT DRINKING, ELIZABETH? I THOUGHT I'D LET IT GET COOL. I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. TRY IT. OH, YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT THE WINSLOWS. OH, YES! YOU KNOW, THEY'VE NEVER RETURNED MY INVITATION. WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE OVERDONE IT AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER. THE POOR DEAR WAS PROBABLY SO OVERWHELMED BY THE GRACIOUSNESS OF THE EVENING, SHE FEELS SHE CAN'T COMPETE. YES, I EXPECT THAT MUST BE IT. - OH, BISCUIT! - OH, THANK YOU. - ( phone ringing ) - OH, EXCUSE ME. IT'S PROBABLY SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT. THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. OH, IT'S YOU, ROSE. IT'S MY SISTER ROSE. SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY. OH, ROSE, I AM PLEASED FOR YOU. OH, AND I DO HOPE THAT THIS IS THE ONE. YOU CAN'T KEEP FLIRTING WITH MATRIMONY. MY SISTER ROSE HAS JUST BECOME ENGAGED! A POLISH PERSON? WELL, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DEAR, I'VE NOTHING AGAINST POLISH PERSONS. BUT COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEONE NEARER? OH, HE LIVES HERE. COULD YOU PUT DAISY ON FOR A MOMENT, DEAR? DO HELP YOURSELF, ELIZABETH. ONSLOW LIKES BROKEN BISCUITS, DOESN'T HE, DAISY? NOW, DAISY, WHAT IS ROSE DOING MARRYING A POLISH PERSON? IS HE SUITABLE? WHAT'S HIS NAME? NOBODY KNOWS HIS NAME. WELL, SHE MUST LEARN TO PRONOUNCE IT. SHE PREFERS TO USE HIS NICKNAME? WHAT IS HIS NICKNAME? "CUDDLY CHOPS"? NOW, DAISY, YOU TELL ROSE IMMEDIATELY THAT SHE MUST LEARN THIS GENTLEMAN'S NAME. WE CANNOT HAVE A CUDDLY CHOPS IN THE FAMILY. HER SISTER ROSE IS ENGAGED. YOU REMEMBER ROSE-- EYELASHES CONSIDERABLY LONGER THAN HER SKIRT. LIZ, DO NOT DISTRACT ME WITH TRIVIALITIES. LIFE IS DARK AND BURDENSOME. OH, EMMET, YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 18 MONTHS NOW. I THOUGHT YOU GOT OVER IT. OH, I GOT OVER THAT. THAT WAS A MERE TRIFLE. IT'S FRANKENSTEIN'S MOTHER NEXT DOOR. ( laughs ) WHAT'S SHE DONE TO YOU NOW? SHE'S THREATENED TO COME TO MY DRESS REHEARSAL. SHE'S VOLUNTEERED TO "HELP" WITH MY DRESS REHEARSAL. - ( Elizabeth laughs ) - ( plays "Funeral March" ) MAYBE SHE'LL HAVE MORE ON HER MIND, NOW THAT ROSE IS MARRYING A POLISH PERSON. A WEDDING! SHE'LL BE GOING TO THE WEDDING-- IN POLAND! ( sighs ) OH, HYACINTH COULD BE AWAY FOR WEEKS IN POLAND. THE POLISH PERSON LIVES HERE. HE'S GOT NO RIGHT TO LIVE HERE. WHAT'S A POLISH PERSON DOING LIVING IN ENGLAND? THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE TODAY, THEY'RE ALWAYS WANDERING ABOUT. NO ONE SITS STILL. INCLUDING YOU. LOOK AT YOU. ( doorbell ringing ) IF THAT'S HYACINTH, TELL HER I'VE GOT RABIES. AND MY BITE IS FATAL. RICHARD. HAVE A DRINK. ISN'T IT A BIT EARLY? THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE, FOR WHOM IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY. THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DESERVE A DRINK AT ANY TIME. JUST A SMALL GIN AND TONIC THEN. GO AND HAVE A LARGE ONE, DAMN IT. IF ANYONE DESERVED A LARGE ONE, IT'S YOU. I'VE BEEN SENT ROUND BY HYACINTH. HYACINTH? SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE YOUR DRESS REHEARSAL. IT TURNS OUT TO BE THE SAME NIGHT AS THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. ( laughs ) WE'LL BOTH HAVE A LARGE ONE. LIZ, MAKE US TWO LARGE GIN AND TONICS. * HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN... * IF HE DOESN'T MIND, WHY SHOULD OUR HYACINTH MIND? SHE DOESN'T THINK IT RIGHT YOU CALLING HIM BY HIS NICKNAME, ESPECIALLY THAT NICKNAME. NOT IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED. OUR HYACINTH WANTS TO TRY PRONOUNCING IT. THERE'S TOO MANY ZEDS IN IT. YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN IT, IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED. I KEEP TRYING TO LEARN IT. I WAS TRYING SO HARD, I NEVER NOTICED WHAT HE WAS UP TO. THAT'S HOW I CAME TO BE ENGAGED. WHY DIDN'T YOU WORK YOUR WAY IN SLOWLY? WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME? THAT'S NEARLY AS BAD. SHE NEEDS HIS LAST NAME. SHE'S GONNA BE MRS. WHATEVER HIS LAST NAME IS. "WHATSIT!" I'M GOING TO BE "MRS. WHATSIT." THAT'S ABOUT AS NEAR AS I CAN GET. I GOT IT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE. HE SPELLED IT FOR ME. IF HE'D HAVE BEEN ENGLISH HE'D HAVE HAD TO SPELL IT FOR YOU. NOBODY IS GONNA MARRY YOU FOR YOUR SPELLING, ROSE. I MANAGED TO MAKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE, THANK YOU. IF LOVE HAD A WRITTEN EXAMINATION, YOU'D HAVE HAD TO ENTER THE CONVENT. I CAN SPELL IT. NOT TONIGHT, DAISE. IT'S ONLY TUESDAY. IT'S HERE! I TOLD YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SAYS? "WHATSIT." DEFINITELY "MR. WHATSIT." ARE YOU SURE WE'RE ON THE LIST? HYACINTH, I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL. WELL, I THINK IT'S VERY SHORT NOTICE. THEY APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. IT SEEMS WE WERE OVERLOOKED. ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? JUST HAPPY IN A MODEST SORT OF WAY. NO, I MEAN THE FANCY DRESS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? - WELL, NOT A ROMAN. - OH, NO, DEAR. I COULDN'T LET YOU LOOSE AS A ROMAN AGAIN. YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD YOU, RICHARD, BUT YOU WERE VERY DISAPPOINTING AS A ROMAN. I EXPECTED MORE OF A HINT OF BRUTALITY-- IN THE BEST POSSIBLE TASTE, OF COURSE. YOU SEE, DEAR, YOU QUITE FAILED TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU'D CONQUERED GAUL. NEVER MIND THOUGH, DEAR. COME ALONG. COME AND CHANGE. GET INTO SOMETHING SMART. WE'RE GOING FOR A WALK. - WHERE TO? - DOES IT MATTER WHERE TO? WE NEED TO WALK MORE. YOU'LL FIND THE EXERCISE'LL DO US GOOD. - YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING. - GO ON, GET CHANGED. OH COME ON, LET'S GO! ( low ) THE KEYS! GIVE ME THE KEYS, LIZ. ARE YOU SURE YOU CLOSED ALL THE WINDOWS, RICHARD? I DEFY ANYONE TO FIND AN OPEN WINDOW. WAS THAT EMMET? HE MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING IN THE HOUSE. NO, DEAR. I'M AFRAID IT'S ME. I RATHER THINK I'VE SENT HIS SENSES REELING. DEAR EMMET. I'M COMING, RICHARD. ( doorbell rings ) - HAS SHE GONE? - YES, IT'S ALL CLEAR. YOU CAN COME OUT NOW. - BUT SHE DID SEE YOU. - I COULDN'T GET IN. I NOTICED THAT. SHE THINKS YOU'RE HALF IN LOVE WITH HER. - WHY ARE WE GOING THIS WAY? - HMM? IF WE WANT TO WALK, WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE PARK OR SOMETHING? OH, RICHARD. EVERYBODY WALKS IN THE PARK. PECULIAR PEOPLE WALK IN THE PARK. NO, IT'S NICE DOWN HERE. WE'LL GO THIS WAY. I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE ONE SHOULD GO ONE'S OWN WAY. I'VE NOTICED WE NEVER GO MY WAY. HMM? HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU WANT TO BE? WHEN I GROW UP, YOU MEAN? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR. I MEAN YOUR FANCY DRESS. OH! IT USUALLY DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, - AND THEN I FIND SOMETHING THAT GOES WITH IT. - OH, RICHARD, YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF I PRESSURE YOU INTO THINGS. I THINK I MIGHT GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE. WELL, I'M NOT DOING LOUIS XIV. - I'M NOT WEARING SILK TROUSERS. - OH, RICHARD! YOU CAN WEAR YOUR PLUS FOURS UNDERNEATH. OH, I LIKE NUMBER 10. WHY THAT ONE? IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE OTHERS. NO, IT DOESN'T, DEAR. IT HAS AN INDEFINABLE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. HYACINTH, IF YOU ARE GOING AS MARIE ANTOINETTE-- WELL, I AM. I HAVE MY HEART SET ON MARIE ANTOINETTE. MAYBE I COULD GO AS THE EXECUTIONER. OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. IT HAS A CERTAIN APPEAL, I AGREE. LET'S TURN ROUND AND WALK BACK. - WHY? - HUMOR ME, RICHARD. HYACINTH, TELL ME NOW-- WHO IS AT NUMBER 10? SHH! I BELIEVE IT'S THE DONAHUES. DO YOU REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU. SHE WAS A "PROCTOR'S PICKLES." I THOUGHT IF WE BUMPED INTO THEM, IT WOULD BE NICE TO WELCOME THEM TO THE AREA. WELL, I'M NOT PASSING NUMBER 10 ALL AFTERNOON. I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DOING ANYTHING SO SILLY. GOOD. JUST A COUPLE MORE TIMES AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY. WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING. WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? I LIKE LOOKING AT YOU. I LIKE SITTING HERE AND THINKING... IT'S ALL MINE! IT'S ALL MINE! HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD? IT'S MY FIRST. WELL, DON'T HAVE ANY MORE. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING FOR? I WAS JUST THINKING... WHEN OUR ROSE GETS MARRIED AND SHE LEAVES, IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF US. DAISY, I AM NOT JUST A PLAYTHING. WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IN A LODGER. THERE NOW. I'M SURE THE WALK DID US GOOD. 23 TIMES PAST NUMBER 10. THAT WASN'T A WALK, IT WAS SENTRY DUTY. I LIKED NUMBER 10. I WAS MERELY ADMIRING THEIR GARDEN. I DON'T SEE WHY. IT'S JUST A GARDEN. OF COURSE IT'S NOT JUST A GARDEN. IF YOU WERE ONCE A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE," YOU DON'T HAVE JUST A GARDEN. OH, I DO NEED A CUP OF TEA. WHAT A GOOD IDEA. DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. YOU HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN. WHAT ON EARTH FOR? TO ORDER OUR COSTUMES FOR THE FANCY-DRESS BALL. AND DO INSIST-- I WANT TO BE MARIE ANTOINETTE. THEY HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS ON FILE. AND DO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF. I DON'T WANT YOU IN TIGHTS, RICHARD. I GET VERY EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS WHEN YOU'RE IN TIGHTS. WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN IN TIGHTS? THE YEAR YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD. I WAS FRIAR TUCK, YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD. - ARE YOU SURE? - DON'T YOU REMEMBER? SHERIDAN BECAME ILL BECAUSE HE COULDN'T BE MAID MARIAN. OH YES, I DO REMEMBER. POOR SHERIDAN. HE BROKE OUT IN SPOTS. ONLY IN THE NICEST PLACES, OF COURSE. AH, SPOIL YOUR LUNCH. OH, KID! COME HERE, COME HERE! POP THIS IN THAT LETTERBOX FOR ME, WILL YOU? HOW MUCH? YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE A MONSTER, AREN'T YOU? 50p. FOR MRS. BUCKET? FORGET IT. WAIT! COME HERE. A POUND. LET'S SEE YOUR MONEY. THERE YOU ARE. YOU'LL BE SORRY. SMART KID. ( ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. SHERIDAN! HOW PSYCHIC OF YOU TO RING MOMMY. DADDY AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SPOTS EARLY YESTERDAY. - NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH. - HMM? AND MOMMY'S BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN THIS MORNING. I WAS CLEARING OUT A DRAWER, AND I FOUND YOUR FIRST LITTLE SEWING KIT. IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MOMMY'S EYE. IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MINE. I SAT ON THE DAMN THING. NOW YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE CAUGHT US, DEAR. WE'LL SOON BE OFF FOR OUR WALK, YES, WE GO EVERY DAY NOW. MMM. MOMMY'S ON NODDING TERMS WITH A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE." YES, A MRS. DONAHUE. HER FATHER'S VERY BIG IN CONDIMENT CIRCLES. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OVER £10." OH, RICHARD! I'M SORRY, DEAR. THERE'S AN INTERFERENCE ON THE LINE. NOW I'M AFRAID YOU'VE CAUGHT MOMMY WHEN SHE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED. IT'S THE MAYOR'S FANCY-DRESS BALL THIS EVENING, AND I WANTED TO GO AS MARIE ANTOINETTE, BUT DADDY COULDN'T GET THE COSTUME. WELL, I HAD TO TAKE WHAT THEY'D GOT LEFT! I'M SORRY, DEAR. THERE'S ANOTHER GREMLIN ON THE LINE. WHAT'RE YOU DOING, LIZ? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE GARDEN. NO, NOT YET. I WANT TO SEE HYACINTH IN COSTUME. WHAT ARE THEY GOING AS? SHE WON'T SAY. IT'S NOT MARIE ANTOINETTE-- I'VE GATHERED THAT MUCH. ALL SHE NEEDS IS A CRUFT'S FIRST PRIZE ROSETTE AND SHE COULD GO AS SUPREME LADY CHAMPION. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THOSE. OH, EMMET! QUICK, QUICK! THEY'RE GETTING IN THE CAR! GOOD HEAVENS! OH, I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED THAT FOR THE WORLD. Hyacinth: I FEEL RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS COSTUME, RICHARD. Richard: YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE WHAT THEY HAD. - IT WAS THESE OR NOTHING. - ( engine sputtering ) Hyacinth: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR? Richard: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. IT'S DOING IT ALL BY ITSELF. ( engine sputtering ) RICHARD, HOW CAN YOU BREAK DOWN ON ME LIKE THIS? ( car backfires ) HELLO, ROSE. YOU'VE JUST MISSED HYACINTH. THEY LEFT FOR THE TOWN HALL. YOU'LL CATCH THEM IF YOU HURRY. BELIEVE ME, IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT. I DID WANT HER TO MEET MY FRIEND, MISTER... "WHATSIT." MRS. BUCKET? IT'S "BOUQUET," MRS. DONAHUE. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY HUSBAND? RICHARD, COME AND MEET MRS. DONAHUE. HOW DO YOU DO? WELL... I REALLY CAN'T STAY OUT HERE ALL EVENING. I THINK I CAN HEAR MY TELEPHONE. I'LL CALL YOU, MRS. DONAHUE. I DO HOPE YOU'LL GRACE ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS. IS QUEEN BOADICEA HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER CHARIOT? DO PUT A JACKET ON, ONSLOW. YOU'RE BEING OBSERVED BY A "PROCTOR'S PICKLE." ( backfires ) THANKS FOR THE LIFT, ONSLOW. I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T STOP. YOU'VE HARDLY SAID A WORD TO "MR. WHATSIT." SHE SAID A WORD TO ME. I DON'T THINK IT WAS ANCIENT BRIT. YOUR WORSHIP. ( blasts ) OH, YOUR WORSHIP. I WAS HOPING TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT A LITTLE FUNCTION I SHALL BE HOLDING. JUST A FEW FRIENDS OF THE RIGHT SOCIO-ECONOMIC BALANCE. OH, I KNOW! HOME, RICHARD. I WILL NOT SHARE MY THRONE WITH THOSE IMPOSTORS. ( theme music playing ) He is immortal. Born in the Highlands of Scotland, 400 years ago. He is not alone. There are others like him. Some good, some evil. For centuries, he has battled the forces of darkness... with holy ground his only refuge. He cannot die unless you take his head and with it, his power. In the end, there can be only one. He is Duncan MacLeod-- the Highlander. Here we are Born to be kings We're the princes of the universe I am immortal I have inside me blood of kings I have no rival No man can be my equal Take me to the future of your world Sh- - Move it! Claude, is that you? Oh, Simone. How come you're not working? I'm on my way. The damn car just died on me. - You think you could have a look? - Sorry. I-I'm on the job. Come on. You're not going to leave me here? At least give me a lift to the Metro. Please. Son of a bitch. That's no way to talk in front of a lady. Let's all try and get out of this alive. Okay? - What's going on, Simone? -I bet the bullet goes right through you... and into him. What do you think? Sorry about this, Claude. Okay. I want you boys to get out of the van... real slowly. Easy. Come on! Thank you. Okay, sweetheart, do your thing. Isn't she sweet? But I guess you know that already, huh? And smart too. Watch 'em, will you? Beautiful. Just like you, my love. Time to go. Get the bike. Please! Please, I have a wife and two children. Please. - I hate kids. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. They were gonna kill me. What was I supposed to do? Come on. Let's go. The brush work, the texture. It's an original. You made a good buy, Franklin. I know. What's up? Remember the da Vinci sketch? From theNotebooks, the one with the slight damage in the right-hand corner. It was stolen last night on the way to the buyer. Three million dollars down the drain. Ten years I've been in the business. Nothing like this ever happened. Well, at least you're insured. Don't tell me. The premium was outrageous. I- - I thought I was being creative. Franklin, you're a dealer, not an artist. What made you become creative now? I've done it before. I put the painting in an ambulance with a couple of guards. Who robs an ambulance? Who else knew it was traveling last night? Nobody. Have the police contacted the guards? They can't. They're dead. And now the bastards want to sell it back to me. I got a call a couple of hours ago. They're gonna tell me when and where tomorrow. Let me guess. No police. How did I let this happen? I'll make the exchange. I can't ask you to do that. You're not asking. I'm offering. Oh, what can you do that I can't? You'd be surprised. Bonsoir.Nice to see you. I'm so glad you are here. So will I be if the bouillabaisse is as good as it was last week. It's better. I hope so. I'm starving. Come. There is someone I want you to meet. Maurice, I know matchmaking's your favorite pastime. No, no. Nothing like that. She's my niece. Really. Mm. Come. Simone Tomas, my beautiful niece. And this is my good friend, Duncan MacLeod. - Hi. - Nice to meet you. You two don't look anything alike. Of course not. She's gorgeous. Like a model. My first wife's sister. Her mother was a-- I get the picture. Right. Sit, sit. Actually, I was just leaving. But you haven't finished eating. I can't wait. No, you don't. Who works at 10:00 at night? People with ambition? Thanks. Some other time. The girl has no life-- no time to eat, no time to talk. Maybe she's just busy. She's avoiding me. She pretends there is nothing wrong. I was hoping you'd talk to her. Well, she doesn't even know me. You have a special way with women. Maurice-- Women love you. They trust you, and, more important,Itrust you. - All right. I'll take her out to lunch. - Ah. Wonderful. She loves Italian food. Just show her a good time. But not too good. The bouillabaisse. $100,000. It's all here. I was up all night. I can't let you do this for me. They've killed two guards already. Franklin, how many kids do you have? Four. And what happens to them if something happens to you? Be careful, Duncan. Don't do anything foolish. Do I ever? And, MacLeod, I almost forgot. What are these for? They want to make sure it's me. Don't turn around, Mr. Waterman. I've got a gun. Just leave the money on the bench and walk away. The drawing will be delivered to the gallery this afternoon. - Simone? - Don't turn around. I'll shoot. So, shoot. All I want is the money. All right? No. Please. You have to give it to me. No! Let go of it. Sit down. Now, what's this about? It'll be best for both of us if you do what you're supposed to. Where's the da Vinci? - I'm just gonna talk to your boss. - He won't like this. I don't care. What are you, a cop or something? Or something. I would have been much happier if I could have stayed at home. Oh, stop complaining. You- - You said the account was opened in 1837. Yes. It was opened by my great-great grandfather. I suppose he had an eye to the future. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Here it is. That's 10,000 francs... at five percent interest... over 93 years. You have over one million francs. Really. I hope monsieur is not planning to withdraw it. Oh, no. Not today. Perhaps I should put it in a checking account. Monsieur? Everybody stay calm. Nobody gets hurt. Do whatever they want. Do whatever they want. Fill it. Okay, everybody, I want your cash... and your wallets and your jewelry. I taught him everything he knows. You must be very proud. Just making a buck. It's nothing personal. So long as nobody gets hurt, we can keep it that way. You got a deal. It's not a deal. It's a warning. Thank you. What? Shh. Don't be frightened. I can't-- I can't get it off. Then keep it. It's my gift to you. Thank you. Some other time, huh? That's better. Ooh! The ring. It's stuck. No! Don't! My God! No! Hey! Everyone on the floor! This way. Well, well, well. I warned you. Catch. Cheating again, huh? This doesn't have to be between us... if you don't make it between us. Duncan MacLeod. - You know him? I should have called the police. They still want the money. They'll call you again, and, when they do, you call me. It's only a sketch, Duncan, a piece of paper. You could've been hurt, killed. Let me worry about that. No. I won't have it on my conscience. Leave it! Please. Oh. You are a little early, my friend, but I'm sure Antoine can give you a little something. He does a gazpacho superb. I'm not really hungry tonight, Maurice. I have to talk to you. About Simone, yes? Yeah. She told me she saw you in the park. Did she? I knew you would know what to tell her. Brilliant. A trip. It's just what she needs. I'm sure it is. She said it was your little talk that convinced her to go. Oh, well, hmm, glad I could help. Did she say where she was planning on going? Italy. The perfect place. Florence. Rome. I gave her a little money for the ticket. You're a good uncle, Maurice. Mm-hmm. Do you have her address? Maybe I can stop by and say bon voyage. Of course. She will be happy to see you again. I hope you catch her before she leaves. Me too. Bye. Bye. What am I supposed to do with you? If you don't want to work here, just say so. This house has a reputation, okay? Hello, Simone. Go.Bonsoir,Simone. Bonsoir, Madame. He's in your room. He's been here two hours, and he won't see anyone but you. Simone. Is there anything you want to tell me? No. Why? I've seen his kind before. They bring trouble. Not to me. All right. Off you go. Simone. Don't fall in love with him. I've been waiting for you. I got some money from my uncle. We can get out of town. The car's downstairs. There's no need to hurry. What do you mean there's no need to hurry? MacLeod saw us. He knows me. He'll go to the police. He won't go to the police. Trust me. Hi. I'm lookin fo-- Uh- - Ah. Yeah, um-- Uh-- Hi. Hello. Um, no. I was just-- I was looking for someone. May I help you, monsieur? Uh, yeah. I was looking for a friend. Aren't we all? As you please. No, actually, I don't see her here at the moment. Her name's Simone. Oh, I'm sorry, monsieur. Simone is, uh, otherwise engaged. Well, in that case, it's probably the guy she's with that I'm interested in. Well, in that case, monsieur, I think you're in the wrong house. I don't think so. Go ahead. Pick it up. What for? We both know where this is gonna lead. Pick it up! It's not like this world is gonna miss me or anything. Pick it up. You know, MacLeod, if I'm not a prince, it's because I wasn't raised by a king. Maybe if you'd found me instead of Tarsis. Come and get it, Kagan. That's my knife! Give it back! Give it to me! Give it back! No! Leave me alone! No! Go back to your mama, sissy! We did it again. You know, Kagan, you're still too slow. What are you talking about? That guard, he almost had you. You're sloppy. You're slow. You're an amateur, and amateurs don't get paid. What are you doing? Half that's mine! You get it when you've earned it. Okay. Okay. Not bad. Not bad at all. You know, this is a great day for you, Kagan. Today, you become immortal. I should be dead. You'll be all right. Here. Try a swig of this. What did you do to me? I made you great. You've never been stronger or faster. Now you'll stay that way. You and me, Kagan, we've got a lot to talk about. We're gonna be raising hell forever. Everything I am is what he made me. Including a murderer. They were gonna shoot us, shoot Simone. What was I supposed to do? You weren't supposed to even be there. Don't! No, MacLeod. Don't hurt him. Please. Just take the picture. I don't want it. Just don't hurt him. You want the picture? Fine. You want me to go to prison? I'll go to prison. I'll do whatever you say. If I find out you're lying to me about those two men-- I swear. So do I. I owe you my life, Duncan. Let's not exaggerate, shall we? Okay. How about my house, my children's education, maybe my marriage... and my eternal gratitude? Well, the last one, I'll take. So, how did you do it? Does it matter? Oh, what do I tell the police? Whatever you like so long as you keep my name out of it. You can't be serious. I'll think of something. Thanks. Gotta go. To you, Duncan. So, how'd it go? Was he happy? So everything's cool, right? For the moment. That's great. Just because I let you live doesn't mean we're friends. Fair enough. So, that's it? Not quite. Stay away from Simone. But I love her. Then do her a favor. You don't like me, do you? You really think I like being a thief, that I wouldn't rather be like you than me? I never learned how. If you've got 'em down, you never let them get up. Mercy is for fools... and priests. Who died and made you God? You talk of people. How long have you been on the streets? What do you care? Let go of me! I'll tell you how long. All your life. You never had parents. You never had anyone to look after you. I don't need anybody. That's where you're wrong. You have no idea what you are. And from now on, you're mine. Get a job. Earn something instead of stealing it. Maybe you can help me. I'm not a social worker. Yeah. It's open. - May I come in? - Sure. I thought you'd be halfway across the country by now. If you were going to call the cops, they would have found me already. I can't say I didn't think about it. But you didn't. Why not? Because your uncle's a very good friend of mine. It would break his heart. Looking for Simone? It's none of your business. Wrong. Get out of my way. Tell me, what does she do for that wrinkled old body of yours... that you like so much? Stay... away... from her. After my mother died, my father fell apart. He started depending on me to be my mother... and not just for companionship. I was 10 years old. Daddy's approval meant so much to me... that I would do anything he asked. And he asked. Did you tell anybody about this? There was no one to tell. What about Maurice? He was a basket case. His wife died in the same accident my mom did. He crawled into a bottle of brandy and stayed there for five years. When he dried out, it didn't matter anymore. It matters. Oh? To whom? To you? Yeah. And Maurice. MacLeod. Maurice. What happened to your hand? It's nothing. I cut it at work. I didn't know you were here. There's a lot of things you don't know, but I'm sure your friend here will fill you in. Thanks for everything. Why don't you, uh, stay for a while? I gotta go. I'll be right back, Maurice. Simone. If you don't like what you are, you can change it. We'll help you. I'll think about it. How did those two men die in the robbery? How would I know? She's always in a hurry. Surprise. Oh. Lucas. I thought you were gone. Without you? Impossible, my love. So. We've talked about the weather, the wine. When are we going to talk about Simone? Well, Simone is, uh, what she is, Maurice. She's my friend. I know, Duncan. What do you know? I know about Simone. I've been suspecting all along. What she was, what she is. Tonight, I went to her apartment to talk to her. One of her clients knows how to use a stiletto. Tall, 25, good-looking? You know him? Where are you going? I'm so glad you came back. I noticed. I'm gonna get you out of this life, get you away from this-- this hellhole. I want you to do something for me. I want you to call MacLeod, get him over here. What for? Don't ask me to do this. You said you'd do anything for me. Not this. You've been doing him, and you've been doing the old man who I stuck tonight. You stabbed Maurice? Is that his name? Get out. Just get out. No one sends me away. Nobody. Simone! Simone. Come on. Au revoir, monsieur. I told them nothing, like you asked. Thanks. Can you make it home okay? I'm going to get a gun and kill that bastard. Maurice, go home. I'll find him. But-- I'll take care of this, but I have to do it on my own. But I'm responsible. No, you're not. Go on. Go home. It's a pity we abolished the guillotine, monsieur, because that's what a murderer deserves. Do you know where I can find Kagan? Won't do any good. - That kind, they never pay the price. - Sometimes they do. There is a woman, someone he used to see before Simone. She lives at 14, quai Malaquais. Thanks. I hope you find him. So do I. Hey, MacLeod. How's things? Nice bike. Get up! What the hell is this about? Simone. She's dead. Dead? I tried to get her out of the business. I warned her. You never know who you're gonna go home with. So it was one of her customers? Who else? Where were you last night? I was with a friend of mine. Ask her. She lives here. Really. I swear. Look, you told me to stay away from Simone. I stayed away. Maybe if I hadn't, she'd still be alive. Not that I think it's your fault or anything. I guess I owe you an apology. Go ahead. Run, little boy, but I'll find you. I didn't kill anyone. I have an alibi. This isn't a court of law. You're crazy. You're gonna kill an innocent man. I never meant to harm anyone. I don't care what you meant. Looking for this? I've seen that one before. This is an execution. I never had a chance. You had more of a chance than Simone did. You have no idea what you are. And from now on, you're mine. It's not my fault. He made me what I am. I know. This wasn't your fault. No? She was only 10 when she lost everything. Someone should have been there. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you can't. Ishould have been there. If I had listened, if I had opened my eyes-- You would have done something. Looking back, it's always easy to think of what you should have done. Did you find the man who did this? The man who did this, Maurice, is dead. Here we are We're the princes of the universe Here we belong fighting for survival We've come to be the rulers of your world I am immortal I have inside me blood of kings Yeah! I have no rival No man can be my equal Take me to the future of your world Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles First Officer's log, stardate 48521 .5. Odo and I are returning to Deep Space 9 after reviewing security procedures at Prophet's Landing, the Bajoran colony closest to the Cardassian border. Those orbital sensor platforms should give the colonists plenty of warning in case the Cardassians decide to violate the new treaty. Hopefully. How did your meeting with Security Chief Bemar go? Fine. Was he properly impressed by the depth of your expertise? Huh! - Odo, is something bothering you? - What makes you say that? You haven't said five words to me since we left Prophet's Landing. Huh. If I've done something to offend you, tell me what it is. - lt's not important. - Whatever you say. - lt's not worth making an issue about. - Well, glad to hear it. It's just... When Governor Avesta invited us to dinner at his house... Go on. - You said no. - And? You never asked me if I wanted to go. You wanted to go? - Not particularly. - Then what's the problem? - You never asked what I wanted. - Odo, you don't eat. And you hate socialising with people you don't know. That's beside the point. I would have liked to have been consulted. You're right. Next time we're invited for dinner, I'll let you be the one to say no. I'd appreciate that. I'm picking up a wideband subspace transmission from a Lissepian supply ship. They've been attacked by a Maquis interceptor. Long-range sensors are detecting a modified Peregrine-class courier ship, lightly armed, one man crew, bearing 268, mark 301 . The Maquis use Peregrine-class courier ships. The Lissepians didn't sustain any serious damage. I'm going after him. Right. I don't know what the Maquis have done to that ship, but it's fast. Not fast enough. We must catch him soon. Wait a minute, I've lost him. The Badlands' plasma fields are disrupting our sensors. lncreasing the sensor bandwidth should compensate for the interference. I hope you're right. He must be somewhere in this solar system. There he is. He's trying to land on one of the moons orbiting that gas giant. I'm following him in. His attitude stabilisers have failed. - Can you get a transporter lock on him? - Too much interference. He's trying to land on that moon. We've lost him. - Did he make it? - l don't know. Something in the moon's atmosphere is jamming our sensors. Then we'll have to see for ourselves. O'Brien to Sisko. Go ahead. There's someone here to see you. Who is it? - lt's Nog. - Nog? - Tell him it's urgent. - He says it's urgent. Send him in. I told you he'd see me. Commander, first let me express my most sincere thanks for allowing me to speak with you. You're welcome. Now, what is this all about? I wanted to give you this. Open it. - What's this? - lt's latinum. I know it's latinum, but why are you giving it to me? Yesterday I completed the Ferengi Attainment Ceremony. - l'm an adult. - Congratulations. - Thank you. - But that doesn't explain this. According to Ferengi by-laws, section 1 05, subparagraph 1 0, adult Ferengi males must purchase an apprenticeship from a suitable role model. I choose you. - You want to be my apprentice? - That's right. I want to be the first Ferengi in Starfleet. Who do I see about getting a uniform? If you want to be a Starfleet officer, you have to attend the Academy. All right. Where do I sign up? It's not that simple. As a non-Federation citizen, you need a reference from a command level officer before you can even take the entrance exam. A command level officer? You mean, like you? - Well, yes. Like me. - Then you'll write the letter. - l'll think about it. - Thank you, Commander. I know you'll make the right decision. Aren't you forgetting something? Keep it. Consider it a token of my appreciation. The atmospheric ionisation is jamming the transponders of the tricorders. - You're sure he's in these caverns? - He wasn't in the wreckage, and in this weather no one could survive very long. So that leaves... That's the third quake. This moon must be seismically unstable. The sooner we find our fugitive, the better. That won't be easy. These caverns could go on forever, and I don't want to stay here any longer than we have to. Let's split up. We meet back here in 20 minutes. We may have to leave without him. If he's smart, he'll let us find him. Prison would be paradise compared to this place. I'll see you in 20 minutes. - Kira to Odo. Can you hear me? - This is Odo. I can barely hear you. I'm trapped. Come quickly. Do you read me? Stay where you are, Major. I'm on my way. - Odo is that you? - l'm right here, Major. Odo, am I glad to see you. - What's wrong? - My foot is stuck. Stuck? How? I don't know. I must have stepped in a fissure. I can't get it loose. Let me take a look. - lt's not a fissure. - Then what is it? Your foot's been encased in some kind of crystal. And from the look of things, the crystal is spreading. - You're sure you can't pull it loose? - Believe me, I've tried. - Slip your foot out of your boot. - l can barely feel it. The crystal is pressing against it so hard, I can't get my boot off. Hold on a minute. - This might hurt a bit. - Go ahead. I fail to see the humour in this situation. Come on, it's pretty ridiculous. The two of us outsmarted by a chunk of crystal. - l'm not giving up just yet. - Neither am I. Hand me my phaser. Are you sure this is a good idea? If you're not careful... I may blow off my foot so Julian can prove what a great doctor he is? Don't worry, I have no intention of giving him the opportunity. Stand back. That wasn't such a good idea after all. The crystal formation seems to have fed off the energy from your phaser. Odo to Mekong. Two to beam out. Energise. Odo to Mekong. I can't contact the runabout. There's too much interference. I'll have to walk back to the landing site and try to transport you from there. Are you worried about leaving me here? Now that you mention it, yes. I'll be fine, Odo. I promise not to go anywhere. Nog, hand me that phase matrix recalibrator. Here you are, Father. - ls it fixed yet? - Not yet, brother. - What's taking so long? - We're working as fast as we can. The replicators' power supply grid has been shorted out. If you don't shut down your replicators once a week, you risk overloads. You said it might overload the system. Might. - You should have listened to him. - No, I should have explained it better. Of course it's your fault. Everything that goes wrong is your fault. It says so in your contract. Clean this mess up before lunchtime, or I'm taking the losses out of your pay. Of course, brother. I need to get a replacement power coupling from the storage room. I'll be right back. Hey, Nog. What's going on? If you want lunch, come back in an hour. I just ate. Hey, that was a funny joke you pulled on my Dad this morning. - About wanting to join Starfleet. - l wasn't joking. I won't fall for that one. - Did you tell your father I was joking? - Yeah, kind of. How could you do that to me? Tell your father that you were wrong. All right. Calm down. How was I supposed to know you were serious? You never said you wanted to join Starfleet before. I'm saying it now. - So what brought this on? - l have my reasons. - OK, name one. - Why should I? Friends don't keep secrets from one another. Its not a secret. I just don't feel like talking about it. - Why? - Because it's personal. Now stop asking me. All right. But my father's a smart guy. If this is some kind of trick, he's going to figure it out. There's nothing to figure out. I'm joining Starfleet and that's that. Now, I have a lot of work to do. Computer, lock onto these coordinates and initiate transport sequence. - Unable to comply. - Explain. The high level of atmospheric ionisation is inhibiting transporter lock. Can the interference be compensated by using pattern enhancers? Negative. Pattern enhancers will not function in a polarised ionisation field. is there any way to get a transporter lock in this kind of ionisation field? Negative. Computer, send out a priority one distress signal to Deep Space 9. Unable to comply. Communications systems are inoperable due to atmospheric interference. In that case, launch a communications probe and instruct it to begin a continuous broadcast of our whereabouts as soon as it clears the atmosphere. Working. Probe launch confirmed. Computer, given ideal conditions, how soon can we expect help from Deep Space 9? It should receive the probe's distress signal in approximately two days. - Kira, I heard phaser fire. - You've missed our friend. He came out of that tunnel. He was as surprised as I was. He fired at me, and when I shot back he ran off down the tunnel. Don't worry, his aim wasn't any better than mine was. He didn't miss by much. My lucky day. You've requested to reassign Ensign Vilix'pran from cargo inspection. Given his condition, he shouldn't come in contact with hazardous materials. - His condition? - Vilix'pran is budding. His buds are undergoing individuation in a month. - You mean he's pregnant? - Twins. Reassignment granted. I'll have to offer my congratulations to him the next time I see him. O'Brien and I are throwing him a baby shower. - He would be glad if you came. - Are you getting him anything? O'Brien's building him a hatchling pond. I've ordered baby clothes from Garak. - Count me in. - Aye, sir. Ensign Pran... Commander Sisko, have you made up your mind yet, about my letter? - Not exactly. - What does that mean, "not exactly"? Look, I have to be honest with you. You're not the first candidate for Starfleet Academy that comes to mind. - Why not? Because I'm a Ferengi? - Not at all. Your reputation on this station leaves a lot to be desired. Your school grades are mediocre at best, and you've had run-ins with Constable Odo. OK, I've made some mistakes. I admit that, but I can do better. Just give me a chance. You wanted to see me, Benjamin? I need an inventory of the contents of cargo bay 1 2. - Didn't we do that last week? - l'd like it done again. I'll assign a crew to it immediately. I already have someone in mind for the job. Really? Who? - Nog. - Nog? He's asked for a recommendation to Starfleet Academy. - Nog? - My reaction exactly. It would be interesting to have a Ferengi in Starfleet, but Nog? I know it seems unlikely, but I want to give him a chance to prove himself. Commander, there's a lot of valuable equipment in cargo bay 1 2. I know. Maybe a couple of crewmembers should assist him. No. I want him to do it alone. No help, no interference, no one looking over his shoulder. I wish I could analyse this material. Too bad our tricorders don't work. Or our communicators, or the transporter. Our fugitive couldn't have chosen a better place to hide. Very convenient, don't you think? You make it sound like he planned on trapping us. Maybe he did, but it's not going to work. I'm going to get you out of here. - How long do you think I have, Odo? - Long enough. I figure at the rate the crystal's been growing... I'm going to be completely covered in less than 1 2 hours. Unless this cave collapses first. There has to be a way to shatter this crystal. That doesn't mean we'll find it in less than 1 2 hours. We'll find it. Major... Do you ever look at the Criminal Activity Reports from Starfleet Security? - Not often. - You should. They make fascinating reading. A few months ago we got a report on a theft on Remmil Vl. The natives spin a crystalline webbing that they use for their buildings. A band of Nausicaan raiders broke in to their central museum by using a high frequency ultrasonic generator to create a sympathetic vibration inside the webbing and shatter it. All we need to do is ask the Nausicaan raiders to help us? I might be able to put together a makeshift generator using the covariant oscillator on the runabout. I'll have to find the right frequency to create a sympathetic vibration inside this crystal. I'll go back to the runabout and assemble the generator. Keep your phaser handy in case our friend comes back. - l will. - l'll be back as soon as I can. Constable. When we get back to the station, I'm going to start reading those Criminal Activity Reports. I'll make sure you get them. Due to a computer error, we lost the manifest on this entire cargo bay. Commander Sisko would like you to re-inventory its contents. - The entire cargo bay? - That's right. By myself? Look, Nog, Starfleet isn't just about diplomacy, exploration. A lot of the time, it's just hard work. When does Commander Sisko want it done? He'd like the manifest on his desk first thing in the morning. He'll have it tonight, before he goes off duty. Tomorrow morning will be fine. If you don't mind, Lieutenant, I'd like to get started. How long do you think it'll take the generator to find the right frequency? It's hard to say. It could take hours. I don't suppose there's any way to speed things up? I didn't think so. Don't worry. I intend to get us back to the station by tomorrow night. Chief O'Brien is counting on it. What does O'Brien have to do with it? - We have an appointment. - What kind of appointment? Talk to me, Odo. lt helps pass the time. The Chief and I are supposed to go kayaking together in a holosuite. You're kidding. How did he talk you into that one? He didn't talk me into anything. - lt's really quite enjoyable. - You've done it before? Twice. He invited me one evening, and seeing I had no plans I accepted. I'm sorry. I'm having trouble imagining the two of you together in a boat. - He's the one who does all the singing. - He sings? He says it's necessary to establish a smooth paddling rhythm. This gets better and better. What songs does he sing? Ancient human sea chanties, mostly. He's particularly fond of one called "Louie, Louie". I've never pictured O'Brien as a nautical type. Next to his work and his family, "shooting the rapids" is his favourite activity. He's had the holoprogram since he was on the Enterprise. How long do these boat trips usually take? - That depends. - On what? On how many times we capsize. - lt must be a very difficult programme. - lt's extremely difficult. According to him, he's dislocated his shoulder half a dozen times trying to make it down those rapids. - Then why does he keep doing it? - Because he loves it. And it's been my observation that you humanoids have a hard time giving up the things you love, no matter how much they might hurt you. - l'm glad you're here, Odo. - l'm glad I'm here, too. Odo! - Major? - l'm all right. What about the generator? It's fine, but it still hasn't found the right frequency to shatter the crystal. Tell it to hurry. A few more tremors like that last one and this cave collapses. We'll have to make sure that doesn't happen. We've come out of worse situations all right. Name three. I can't think of any either. No, it's not that. lt's just that that wasn't the response I expected. What do you mean? In the detective novels Chief O'Brien gives me to read, when the hero says, "We've been in tougher situations than this one," his friends always agree. I never read any of those books. There must be some humanoid platitude I can use to cheer you up. I don't have much use for platitudes, Odo. I'd rather face the truth of a situation and go on from there. - l feel the same way. - l know. - That's why we get along so well. - l suppose it is. But in this case, the truth is we are going to get you out of here, Major. And that's no platitude. - This is impressive work. - Incredible is more like it. He inventoried the whole cargo bay in under five hours. You're sure he didn't have any help? According to the internal sensors, no one else entered that cargo bay. He did learn something working in his uncle's storeroom. I assume that all our equipment is where it's supposed to be? If you're asking if he stole anything, the answer is no. He even found some things we missed on our last inventory. OK, now we know he's a hard worker. The question remains: Why does he want to join Starfleet? I have no idea. I don't understand it. I've run through the entire harmonic spectrum, and no frequency has had any effect on the crystal. It's almost as if the structure of the crystal is mutating to keep us from finding the right frequency. Odo. Yes, Major. I wish there was something else I could do. Just keep talking to me. - What do you want me to say? - Anything. Tell me a story. - A story... - Tell me how you got your name. My name? Now that you mention it, that is an amusing story. Tell it to me. Well, as you know, when Doctor Mora first brought me to his laboratory, it was under Cardassian supervision. All specimens had to be clearly labelled in Cardassian, so the overseers would always know what the scientists were working on. Since no one was exactly sure what I was, Mora labelled me "Unknown Sample," which the overseer translated into Cardassian as "odo'ital." So, your name is "Unknown Sample"? No, no. "Odo'ital" literally means the word "Nothing". Even after it became clear that I was sentient, the Bajoran scientists kept calling me that. As a joke, they split it into two words, like a Bajoran name: Odo Ital, which eventually got shortened. To Odo. But the thing is, for the longest time, whenever anyone would use my name, the first thing I would think of was what it meant: "Nothing". What better way to describe me? I had no family, no friends, no place where l belonged. I thought it was the most appropriate name anyone could give me. And then I met you. And the others - Sisko, Dax, even Quark. And now, when I hear one of you call me "Odo", I no longer think of myself as "Nothing". I think of myself as me. I'm sorry, Major. That story wasn't as amusing as I'd hoped it would be. No, I liked it very much. The ultrasonic generator isn't going to work, is it? No, I'm afraid it's not. I don't suppose you have any other ideas. I wish I had. Neither do I. It doesn't make sense. The ultrasonic generator should have worked. Something's not right. Odo, you've done your best. - lt's time for you to go. - Go? This place will collapse any minute. That Maquis probably died in a cave-in. - There's nothing more you can do. - lf you're asking me to leave... As your superior officer, I'm telling you to take the runabout and get the hell off this moon. That's an order. Odo, I told you to get out of here. - l'm not leaving. - Constable, I gave you a direct order. You can order me all you want. As of now, I'm resigning my commission. - lf you stay here, you'll die. - You don't know that for certain. Even if it were true, I'm not going to abandon you. - l want you to get out of here. - Don't you understand? I can't. You have to. Odo, please. No. I won't leave you. - Why? - Because... Because... I'm in love with you. So, now you know. Odo... I'm in love with you, too. You wanted to see me, Commander? Nog. I've given your request a lot of thought. I appreciate that, Commander. - But I'm afraid I have to turn you down. - Turn me down? - Did I do something wrong? - lt's not anything you did. You're just not Academy material. Here. - This belongs to you. - Can't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about. You'd never make it through the Academy. You couldn't handle the workload or the discipline. - You wouldn't last two weeks. - That's not true. - l'm a hard worker. I proved that to you. - lt doesn't matter. I won't risk my reputation to satisfy some whim of yours. It's not just a whim. I'm serious about joining Starfleet. I don't have time for this, Nog. You can forget your little scheme. I'm not giving you that letter. It's not a joke or a scheme. I want to join Starfleet. I want it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. You're a Ferengi. Why would you want to be in Starfleet? Where's the profit in it? - l don't care about profit. - What do you care about? Come on, tell me. Why is it so important that you get into Starfleet? Why are you doing this? Because I don't want to end up like my father. Your father. That's right. My father. He's been chasing profit his whole life, and what has it gotten him? Nothing. And you know why? Because he doesn't have the lobes. And neither do I. - And "A Ferengi without profit... - "...is no Ferengi at all." The 1 8th Rule of Acquisition. My father is a mechanical genius. He could have been chief engineer of a starship if he'd had the opportunity. But he went into business, like a good Ferengi. The only thing is, he's not a good Ferengi - not when it comes to acquiring profit. Now all he has to live for is the slim chance that someday, somehow, he might be able to take over my uncle's bar. I'm not going to make the same mistake. I want to do something with my life, something worthwhile. Like joining Starfleet? I may not have an instinct for business, but I have my father's hands and my uncle's tenacity. I know I've got something to offer, I just need the chance to prove it. All right. I'll see that you get that chance. You'll recommend me to Starfleet Academy? I'll send the letter first thing tomorrow morning. Commander, I don't know how to thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't thank me yet. You still have a lot of work ahead of you. Don't worry. You're never going to regret this. - Odo? - Yes, Major. You haven't said a word to me in over an hour. I've just been going over a few things in my mind. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you how I feel about you. If I'd told you earlier, maybe things would have been different. Ah. What are you smiling about? I think I've finally figured out what's going on here. This whole situation hasn't seemed right since the beginning. There've been too many coincidences, too many unanswered questions. Are you still trying to prove that this is some kind of conspiracy? The Maquis was standing here when he shot at you? - That's right. - How tall was he? My height? No. Maybe shorter. - Like this? - More or less. - Why does it matter anyway? - lt matters. From this position, you're blocking those phaser hits. There's no way someone standing here could hit those rocks without hitting you first. Maybe he was standing somewhere else. Maybe. Or maybe you were lying to me. Which makes two times you've lied to me today. What are you talking about? You lied when you said you were shot at, and when you said you loved me. - l do love you. - l wish you did, but you don't. I pride myself on my ability to observe human nature. I've watched you for the past three years. I never saw any indication that you had those kinds of feelings for me. You like me, you think of me as a close friend. But love? I'm afraid not. Maybe I told you I loved you because I thought it would make you feel better. I thought that's what you wanted to hear. You're lying again. The Kira I know has far too much regard for our friendship to lie to me, even for the best of reasons. - Odo, I can explain. - Good. You can start by telling me who you are and what you've done with Kira. Well done, Odo. You really are quite a skilful investigator. And you're quite a skilful changeling. You still have much to learn. If you want to share your wisdom, tell me where Major Kira is. - Close by. - You were the fugitive, weren't you? That's correct. How did you get a Maquis ship? Now, Odo, you can't expect me to give you all the answers. But why lead us here? Why replace Major Kira? I needed to understand why you live with the solids rather than your own people. I suspected it had something to do with Major Kira. - Now I'm certain of it. - Your plan was to let me think she died. You thought that would take away my link to the solids? - Then you would return to us. - Nothing will ever make me do that. - l wouldn't be so sure. - Tell me where she is. And if I don't, then what? You'll shoot me? No changeling has ever harmed another. There's always a first time. Major Kira is down that tunnel, 200 metres south of here. Save her if it suits you, but it won't make any difference. She's never going to love you. How could she? You are a changeling. - Major, wake up. - Odo, what happened? - What am I doing here? - lt's a long story. Right now we have to get you to the Mekong. There's one thing I don't understand. If that Founder wanted to test your allegiance to the solids, why did she impersonate me? I suppose it's because you happened to be with me. It could have just as easily been Commander Sisko, Dr Bashir... What made you realise the truth? She made a mistake. She said something you would never say. - What was that? - Just a slip of the tongue. Nothing important. I tell you, I won't stand for it. No nephew of mine disgraces our family name by joining Starfleet. - But Uncle Quark... - My mind is made up. - l forbid it. - No, you don't. - Rom, stay out of this. - l will not. When it comes to the bar, you may be in charge, but when it comes to my son, I make the decisions. Fine. You tell him he can't go. Nog... Good luck. I would be proud to have a son in Starfleet. You're both insane. Like father, like son. [Music playing] No! No! No! No! No, please, not my baby! No, please, no! No! Come with me. But my husband. Let the dead bury the dead. [Engine revving] Milton. [Knocking on door] Who is it? Who's it look like, Milton? Open up. We've got guests. Mason. We were wondering what took you so long. You had us worried. Well, what have we here? Found them on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills? What were you doing in that godforsaken place? The woman is sick, Milton. So's the child. Father was killed. Yes. Vester would like to get his hands on this little one. She's a perfect specimen. Mason. The hell was that for? For making me worry. [Sirens] Oh, damn siren. Irritating. Maybe if you take them to the tunnel. Should go through this door. There's a tunnel about 300 yards. It leads to a large parking lot. There's a bus waiting to pick you up. Hey. Hey, what's your name? Crystal. Crystal. Take care, Crystal. [Knocking on door] Oh, who is it? The AAMA. Open up. [Knocking on door] Uh, hold it. The door is stuck. As you can tell by the siren, there's a defector among us. Check the back room. Can I help you with something? I'm looking for a woman and a little girl. I don't know anything about a little girl, but of course If it's a woman you're looking for, Maybe I can accommodate you. There's nobody in there. Where were you an hour ago? Here. And why is that machine outside still hot? I used it to go to South Central to get some bread. I don't believe you. It's true. I hate the bread here in Century City and it's so expensive. The dragon is trying to step on my territory. He could kill you right now if he wants. Pitiful. OK, they're gone. It's all I could think of at the time. That son of a bitch. He had to have left when he did. I'm going to let him have it. Are you all right? Things are getting worse, Mason. We just received word. The underground hospitals are full to capacity. And the camps say that they can't take any more diseased. They have to. They can't, damn it. This disease is so contagious, hundreds Are being infected every day. Saving them is wonderful. But for what? Only to see them die later from the virus? Look. I'm not God. I do what I can. We need a cure. What are you talking about, Milton? There is no cure. So who's L. E. White? A doctor. He announced discovering the weakness of the virus. And then he said something very interesting. The destructacaucus deficiency syndrome, the plague, Is an artificially created disease. It also says 24 hours after he'd made this announcement, L. E. White was murdered. This is dated November 3, 1999. Yes. Two days before the quake. White worked at a place called the Browning Center. It's right outside of Los Angeles. And he said that his vaccine could neutralize The plague in its infancy. The AAMA knew this. But they kept it secret and then they Had killed and developed their own alternative form Of treatment. Of course, their form of treatment Couldn't stop the plague from spreading. But it did make the AAMA rich and powerful. People's only hope of relieving their pain and suffering Is a useless serum created by the AAMA. So in 1999 someone found a cure for the plague. What good is that supposed to do us now? Our future lies in our past. This way. I thought these were wiped out with the 8.7. They were. But after years of work, I was able to restore this one. You mean it works? I just have to fix a few problems. And then I'll be set. Set for what? For my trip to November, 1999 to the Browning Center to find the cure. The time transfer can send me into the past. There's a problem I haven't been able to fix. I can't keep the door between centuries open for longer Than 36 hours. When that door opens, I must step Through it with the vaccine. MAN: Open the door. AAMA. [Banging on door] Open up. Open the door. Brace the door. [Gunshot] Do it. Do what? Send me back. No. I can't. I haven't perfected it yet. Milton, we're out of time. Look, either you operate this machine Or I'm going to have to do it myself. OK, OK. You'll need these documents to help you Find what you're looking for. But remember this, that machine will bring you back 36 hours After the transfer and the door between worlds Will only be open for 20 seconds. After that it'll be gone forever. Wait a minute. What's this? Aspirin. You're going to have a terrific headache after the transfer. Matter of fact, you may not have a head at all. I'm shutting down the machine. No. Leave it on. [Screaming] Open up! Open up! Oh Lordy, me. [Gunshot] Not you too! Send me back, Milton. Stat! We're out of time. I won't. I don't even know if Mason survived. Mason is going to need some help. [Screaming] They need to be brought in. They found him about 10 blocks away from here. All right, I want three CC's of epinephrine on standby And a glucose drip, stat. [Inaudible]. His eyes weren't dilated, but still could Be some concussion or trauma. I need more oxygen. Sir, sir, do you know your name, sir? No concussion. No fracture. No leakage across the terminator. The southern hemisphere of the medulla region Is at 5% soft tissue trauma, but that's not the problem. Doctor, I'm very busy. The guy's going to live. Maybe he'll have a headache for a couple of days. Is this why you called me? No. This is what I wanted you to see. That can't be. You've got an alpha wave here running flat line. We ran the electroencephalogram twice. At first I thought I had a faulty reading Or there was a glitch in the system. There's not a damn thing wrong with the EEG. This is an accurate wave reading. Who is this guy? There's another mystery. There's no ID, no friends have called for him, No one's filled out a missing person Matching his description. He's a non entity. And he's an amnesiac. From what we can gather, given the nature of the trauma, It's probably temporary amnesia. But that doesn't account for the alpha discrepancy. To have an alpha wave like this, a person has got to be... Dead. Yes, I know. [Beeping] Tell me you love me, Howard. I love you, baby cakes. And you'll never leave me. No, never. And there are no other women. - None. - Ever! No. Ever. Oh, goody. Then I'm going to go to the bathroom And change into my new sexy nightie, okie dokie? Okie dokie. Hurry up. I will. Don't be long. [Giggling] [Humming] Hurry up, baby cakes. Your daddy-o is waiting on you. I love you, baby cakes. I love you too, Howie. And I can't wait to see you. Oh, I can't wait to see you. I'm waiting for you, my darling. I'm coming, Howie. I'm ready for you, Howie. [Gasps] Who is this? Baby cakes, please, I just... Don't you baby cakes me. I leave you alone for two minutes And you're in bed with another woman, you big... Snookums! I want a divorce. A divorce? We just got married. You are a two timing creep. But baby cakes, I... All I did was go into the bathroom To put on my new sexy nightie just for you And look what you do to me! No, no, she just appeared out of nowhere. Out of nowhere? Yeah. Oh, and you're crazy. No, no, no, listen. Maybe we could make it a threesome, huh? I want a divorce! I will kill you if I have to. I want to know how to operate the machine. You'll have to kill me first. Bring her in. The bus never left the tunnel. It met with an unfortunate tragedy. The mother wasn't so lucky. Fullock enjoys cutting things with his knife. So will you now tell me? All right. I'll tell you. Good. Fullock, Dowe, get in there. And Milton. If they die in the process, so does the girl. [Buzzing] RADIO DJ: Hey, good morning all you wild and crazy People out there in radio land. This is Dick Reese, coming to you From WAKY Radio in beautiful downtown Los Angeles. And we're going to have another hot Wednesday with temperatures Rising to 101. So ladies, remember, if you're out there on that beach, Turn over once every hour and don't Forget to button up your top. Hey, we're going to go back to music. This is a new, hot single from BJ and the B1 Bombers. Take it away, boys. [Music playing] I'm so horny I just might do him. [Laughter] Pass that over here, man. Come on, man, don't hog it. Check it out, bro. Oh my gosh. What do we got here? We gotta a couple queens in the buff here. Forgot your feathers, man. Party time, baby. Hey. Look at that chest hair on him. Look at this. It's a little faggot. [Laughter] You use KY on that, right? Yeah, baby, check it out. What the hell is this? Wait a minute, wait a minute. [Laughter] Keep your butt down, slick. Wait. Uh-oh. Baby got back. Merry Christmas. We want some party time, baby. Party time, baby. I don't think she likes me. I like it just like this, babe. [Yelling] Good morning. I'm Dr. Charlie Stenton. This is Dr. Ruth Ames. You'll be happy to know that you've Suffered no major injuries. Have you been able to remember anything? Your name? My name... I don't remember. Doctor, if you need me, just call. Well, since I don't know your name, if you don't mind, I'm going to call you Joe. Do you like Joe? [Background chatter] Hey. (SINGING) I'm a little egg head, yes I am. Bind me up in a [inaudible]. Hey, mate. What are you doing here? You have something that belongs to me. What, this, mate? Is this something you want? Give me a dollar. Come on, please, give me a break. Hey, boy. You trespass. This Chinatown. [Laughs] [Screaming] Now look at the flame and count slowly backwards from 20. Don't look at anything else but the flame. What's your name, Joe? Where are you from? Here in town? Visiting? Passing through? Not from here. Must save the children. Do you have any children, Joe? The future. Future. Daddy. [Crying] Dana. No! Don't kill my baby! No! A daughter. I had a daughter. Had? Dead. Dead. Gone. Killed by the dragons. The dragons? The dragons come for the children. They kill the children. Must save the children! Count slowly backwards from 10, Joe. Joe, forget about the dragons for now. Count backwards from 10, Joe. Forget about the dragons for a moment. CHILD: Daddy. 10, nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. So how are things going at the Browning Center? Oh, great things are starting to happen. You'll be reading about them soon. Wow, it must be great working for a doctor like L. E. White. Yeah, well he's devoted half his life To finding a cure for the disease And he's determined to find it too. What is it? Your boy is very complex, doctor. I've never seen a viral infection like that before. Look, his immune system seems to have suppressed it. Yeah, whatever it was, it was massive. Yeah. Well, how's, uh, how's his memory coming along? Ah, it's still very delusional, you know. He thinks he's somebody from the future wants to save the world. More power to him. Yeah, well, he's probably watched Too many Star Trek episodes. Yeah, I know. Yeah, listen, I'll talk to you later. I've got to get to post op. OK, bye bye. Bye. Do you have that file on Bob Gideon? Mm-hmm. You fight with great hate, dragon. I like that. Who are you? I am the chief medical dictator of this facility. Someone you'll learn to hate as well. We call this the dragon mind control training facility. You've been brought here to learn To fight as a dragon for the preservation of the AAMA. For the preservation, in fact, of all of society. Do you understand? [Screaming] Yes, I see that you do. Lesson number one. [Groaning] A dragon must learn to endure pain, to defy it. And I'm personally going to teach it to you. Go to hell. This is hell, dragon. Welcome. [Background chatter] OK. Thanks. Bye bye. Station two looks good. Let's lock it up. Ruth. You got to help me. Joe, you have to be in bed. Please, I've got to remember. I need your help. Joe, I have to go to another hospital now. It's very important. When I get back later, I'll hypnotize you again. Look, time is running out. All right, look. Do you know him? Do you know him? Yes, L. E. White. I've got to find him. He has a cure. But I don't understand. Joe, you need rest. Sometimes in life when... when we go through hard times, Our minds do funny things. Start the car. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. It's not starting. Just... Mason! [Yelling] Come on, Mason. Let's go. What's going on, Joe? Joe? His name's Mason. Tell her who you are, Mason. Come on, Mason. Mason, you don't remember? Who's this? Tell her, Mason. It's not moving. Get out. Get out. They're all so healthy here. Who? Children. None of them have the plague. You remember. The plague. What is it? I'll answer more questions after we rest and have sex. We've fought together and had sex together for months now. The AAMA thinks that's why we make such a good team. They call us dynamic. Come here. You sure about this? Your man has 10 hours to perform. I talked to the police, but they had nothing to tell me. I gave them the description of those two guys That you said were trying to kill your friend. That man and his girlfriend just disappeared. Charlie, you wouldn't believe what happened. I go down to get my car, these people Pop out of nowhere with swords, they're all fighting. I get... I get in the car to go away and one of them Jumps on the back of the trunk. I was never so scared in my entire life. Look, you've been working long hours. Your mind is playing tricks on you. What are you saying, Charlie, that I'm hallucinating? No, no, just, you know, you're a little tired, that's all. You're right. Maybe I should just go home and get some rest. [Gasping] You've been brought here to learn to fight as a dragon. For the preservation of the AAMA. For the preservation, in fact, of all of society. Do you understand? [Screaming] Yes, I see that you do. Lesson number one. A dragon must learn to endure pain. To defy it. And I'm personally going to teach it to you. Go to hell. This is hell, dragon. Welcome. [Gasping] Friends. A toast to profit and the plague. ALL: Hail! My friends and colleagues, before Us is my greatest achievement. Tonight we welcome into our ranks this new dragon. He was the most difficult to conquer. Not because he was stronger than the others, Nor smarter or more ferocious. He was difficult, I believe, because his capacity To love far outweighed his instinctual capacity to hate. It's made him a dangerous creature. Such a man is a threat to society. But today he belongs to me body and soul. Months of mind control have bettered this dragon And reduced him to his knees. Great credit goes to my trainer here, Fullock. ALL: Hail! The dragon you see before us once had a wife and a child. They were liquidated due to plague contamination. [Gasping] And now instead of an enemy in this dragon, we have an ally. Quiescent and docile. Under my total control. Daddy! Daddy! [Screams] I remember. Fullock murdered my family. MY wife. My child. He and the dragons destroyed my whole tribe. Except for me. That's right. They took you to AAMA mind control To turn you into a dragon. To turn me into a killer. No. You defied them. I remember why we came back. We got to hurry. [Inaudible] vaccine. The vaccine would destroy the AAMA. No more plague. And Fullock is their insurance. Yes, but I don't think he'll be a problem anymore. Looks like I keep killing all your women. One dragon down. One to go. Mason. Mason. Now get the vaccine. Dragon! No! [Screaming] Hey, watch it. Hey, hey! Dragon! [Dog barking] Shh. Joe. Mason. Mason, what are you doing here? I need your help. I have three hours before I must return to my time. When I go back, I must have the vaccine with me. I've been to the Browning Center. It's built like a fortress. You need access, documentation, and clearance. All right. There's one person I know that can help us. Dr. Stenton. He does research there. OK, we're going to have to convince him of your story. And after we've convinced him, can you please work on me? You are asking me to swallow a very big fish. Now look who's skeptical. OK. Let's say I believe your story. Do you realize what you're asking me to do? To violate security measures and if such a serum does Exist, to just turn it over to you So you can save future generations For crying out loud? What if he's telling the truth, Charlie? All right. All right, let's say he is telling the truth And the serum does exist and I give it to you. What am I supposed to tell Dr. White when he comes Looking for it and it's gone? And I violated his trust. That won't matter, Doctor. After tomorrow, things like we know them won't exist anymore, Including the Browning Center. We're going to have an earthquake, Charlie, a quake Like we've never known before. And the cure won't be used at all? Not unless I can retrieve it and get it back to my time. This file contains all of the security codes needed to break Through the security measures and the vault, Which is where I'm sure we'll find the cure for the disease. Just let me get my coat and we'll be on our way. OK. How much time do we have left? About an hour and 45 minutes. How long does it take to get to the Browning Center. About 15 minutes without traffic. What happens if you don't make it to the time doorway. Does it ever open again? No. Never. Oh God, we better get this show on the road. Hey Charlie, let's go. Charlie? [Screams] Dragon! Dr. Stenton to see a Dr. L. E. White. Excuse me. Can I help you? Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. L. E. White. OK, Dr. Stenton, I need to see her ID. Sorry, this is Dr. Ames. She's not on my list. I need to see her ID. Dr. Ames is a very good friend of Dr. White's And an even better friend to the Browning Center administrator. OK. [Ding] Oh, excuse me, doctor. May I ask you to sign in, please. Are you here for the seminar? Yeah. Well, it's just down the hall. This the missus? Yeah. Thank you. OK, the electronics lab should have All the information we need. According to this it should be around somewhere. Bingo. [Beeping] [Bell tinkling] How about a blueberry pokey? The main labs are 100 feet below ground level. Now, the [inaudible] are the most [inaudible]. They're the hardest to find. All right, just hurry. I'm trying. How much time do we have before the time door appears? We've got 20 minutes. I got it. [Beeping] What? What? It's on the B level. It's the most highly secured area of the whole facility. Let's go. Open the door or I cut your throat. It's open. You said you wouldn't cut my throat. So I did. [Gunshot] Hey, you. You! [Gunshot] [Alarm ringing] Hey! [Gunshot] [Gunshot] [Gunshot] [Gunshot] [Gunshot] Look, Mason, the vault. It won't open. All right. All right. According to this, there's an underground passage Leading into the vault. UGH! [ Gasp ] YOU TOLD HIM YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME ANYMORE, DIDN'T YOU? IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND HE AGREED. YOU HAD NO RIGHT! JUSTIN, I-I... I JUST WANT YOU SAFE, I WANT EVERY- THING TO BE ALL RIGHT. OH! [ Yelling/ panting ] WELL, GUESS WHAT? IT IS TOO LATE! THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, MY LIFE IS FUCKED! CHRIS HOBBS SAW TO THAT. HE SHOULD'VE FUCKING KILLED ME! [ Sobs ] [ Clatter of objects ] [ Panting ] AND THEN, FUCKING WERTSHAFTER GAVE ME THE SHAFT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT THE FIRST 300 TIMES YOU TOLD ME. HE FIRED ME. ME, THE HARDEST WORKING, MOST DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HE'S GOT. AND FOR WHAT? WANKING TO THE WEB? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I WASN'T WANKING, I WAS WATCHING. SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT OFFICE. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE: I WASN'T WATCHING WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WATCHES. STRAIGHT SEX! Ted: YEAH, IT'S FINE TO SALIVATE OVER SOME BIMBO WITH BOOBS THE SIZE OF FLOTATION DEVICES STUFFING A ZUCCHINI UP HER TWAT. BUT GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD SEE SOME GUY WITH PECS OF DEATH SQUATTING ON A ROAD TEEPEE. OH, THEN YOU'RE INSTANT- LY OUT ON YOUR ASS! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION IN THE WORKPLACE. YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT IT IS. IF HE THINKS FOR A MINUTE THAT I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT BACK BECAUSE I'M TOO COWARDLY TO REVEAL MY SEX- UALITY, LIKE YOU... NO OFFENCE; BUT HE IS MIGHT- ILY MISTAKEN. DON'T WORRY, TED. WITH YOUR EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE, YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER JOB. YEAH, I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE. NOT AFTER THEY FIND OUT THE REASON I WAS CANNED. CHRIST! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE. WHAT, IN THAT FAG RAG? PLEASE. WELL, I WAS THINKING OF LOOKING FOR A MOONLIGHTING POSITION MYSELF, SOMETHING TO AUGMENT MY INCOME, AND MY TUSH. WHOO, WHAT'S THIS? [ Reading ] EARN UP TO $100 AN HOUR. AN HOUR? DOING WHAT? WHY DON'T WE CALL AND FIND OUT? HELLO, YES, I... I CAME ACROSS YOUR AD IN "OUT". IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME. SHHH! IS IT TRUE YOU CAN EARN UP TO $100 AN HOUR? REALLY? AND, UM, AND WHAT EXACTLY DOES ONE HAVE TO DO? VOLUNTEER FOR HIDEOUS MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS? PFFF. SERVE AS A LIVE TARGET FOR THE MILITARY? OH, THAT'S ALL? AH. IT'S ONE OF THOSE DOMESTIC SERVICES. WAITERS, PRIVATE PARTIES, MAIDS. IT A LOT OF BUCKS FOR LIGHT HOUSEKEEPING. Michael: I COULD MAKE MORE IN A COUPLE HOURS THAN I CAN MAKE IN A WEEK AT THE BIG Q. WHAT ABOUT YOU? I HAVE AN M.B.A. FROM WHARTON. I DON'T DO WINDOWS. I HAVE THREE SEMES- TERS FROM ALLEGHENY COMMUNITY COLLEGE. I'LL DO ANYTHING. OH, THAT'S FABULOUS. YES. AH, WELL THANK YOU! MM-MM. THEY HAVE OPENINGS RIGHT NOW. WELL, BOYS... THINGS ARE LOOKING UP. WHOO, WHOO. WHOO-WHOO- WHOO-WHOO. D'YOU EVER SEE "CITIZEN KANE"? YEAH. ALL MY LIFE, ALL I'VE EVER HEARD IS HOW IT'S THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE. SO, I FINALLY RENT IT. THE GUY WHO PLAYS THE LEAD IS FAT... THE STORY ABOUT SOME SLED SUCKS... AND IT'S IN BLACK AND WHITE. MAYBE YOU WERE EXPECTING TOO MUCH. LIKE WITH YOU. ALL I'VE EVER HEARD IS HOW BRIAN KINNEY IS THE GREATEST FUCK EVER. IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE BOTH HIGHLY OVERRATED. WELL, EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC. AHH. NEXT TIME, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RENT "BUTTHOLE BOYS". I GAVE IT TWO THUMBS UP. I-I CAME AT THE WRONG TIME. YOU TWO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. MAY I COME IN? YOUR PLACE IS VERY... GLAMOROUS. DOES THE TRICK. I'M SURE. YOU KNOW, IF... IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE SELLING, I'M A... I'M A REALTOR NOW. HE'S NOT HERE. I KNOW. IT'S WHY I CAME. TO ASK YOU A FAVOUR. I ALREADY DID YOU ONE. YEAH BUT, UH... THIS ONE'S FOR HIM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE HIM. 'SCUSE ME? I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY SON. MRS. TAYLOR... JENNIFER. WHATEVER. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE, UM... WON'T LET ANYONE TOUCH HIM, OR... LET ANYONE NEAR HIM. HE SHOWS PRACTI- CALLY NO EMOTION EXCEPT WHEN HE'S IN ONE OF HIS RAGES, OR HE... WAKES UP SCREAMING FROM A NIGHTMARE. BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART. THE WORST PART IS, UM... STANDING THERE... HELPLESS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE? [ Clatter of dishes ] WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO? TOUCH HIM. HELP HIM BE TOUCHED. YOU WANT ME TO FUCK HIM? [ Sighing ] YOU'RE THE ONE HE TRUSTS. IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES... I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WANTED ME TO SEE HIM AGAIN. I DON'T. BUT, UM... IF I'M EVER GOING TO... SEE MY SON EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLE THE PERSON HE WAS, I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. THEN THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO? NO RECOURSE, NO LAWSUIT, NO DAMAGES? IN TWO WORDS, TEDDY: YOU'RE SCREWED. ACTUALLY, THAT'S THREE WITH THE CONTRACTION. OW! [ Muttering ] FUCK THIS THING. THERE'S NO LAW IN THIS STATE THAT PREVENTS DIS- CRIMINATION OF GAYS IN THE WORKPLACE. WERTSHAFTER CAN DO WHAT- EVER THE HELL HE WANTS. YEAH... FUCKING SON OF A BITCH. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A MIND TO WALK RIGHT IN TO TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! WHY DON'T YOU? LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, AND TELL HIM THAT EVEN THOUGH THE LAW PERMITS IT, YOU THINK WHAT HE DID IS UNJUSTIFIED AND UNCONSCIONABLE. RIGHT. I JUST MIGHT DO THAT. MAYBE. [ Sigh ] HEY, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. AND THE SUCKER. BYE. BYE. POOR TED. JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF HAVING NO RIGHTS. LIKE GETTING MARRIED. YOU... ARE YOU GOING TO START WITH THAT AGAIN? HEY, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH? THAT NIGHT WE CAME BACK FROM MY SISTER'S WEDDING, I WENT INTO THE GARDEN AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP. YOU DID? MM-HM. I STOOD AND IMAGINED EXACTLY HOW I WANTED OUR WEDDING TO LOOK. UH, WHATTYACALLIT, A HOOPA? CHUPEH. CHUPEH,UNDER THE SYCAMORES, WHITE SATIN RIBBON BOWS ON THE ARBOURS AND LITTLE TWINKLING LIGHTS EVERYWHERE, LIKE THE MILKY WAY. UH-HUH. BUT TODAY, I WAS OUTSIDE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO... DECORATE FOR GUS' PARTY AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "PETERSON, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I MEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 20 TOTS HERE ON SATURDAY. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH... TANTRUMS AND TEARS AND THROW-UP; MEL'S RIGHT. THE TIME TO BE ROMANTIC HAS PASSED." WELL... I DIDN'T MEAN THAT. "IT'S A SILLY RITUAL FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE. A BANKRUPT INSTITUTION." NO. WE HAVE TO BE PRACTICAL NOW. SO I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL. AND I PROMISE TO NEVER, NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD KEEP US APART. [ Imitating Jennifer ] "I DON'T WANT YOU SEEING MY SON ANYMORE!" WE SHOWED HER. WOULD YOU SHUT UP? WHAT FOR? BECAUSE I SAID SO AND BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE AN IMMATURE BRAT. MAYBE I AM. THEN YOU CAN GET YOUR ASS OUT AND WALK HOME. RIGHT NOW. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? SHE WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE A MOTHER LIKE THAT. NOW I GET TO STAY WITH YOU. YEE-HA! JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. EXCEPT FOR MY... GIMP HAND. FUCKING HOBBS. JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? HOW COME YOU'RE DOING THIS? WHAT, DRIVING WITH NO HANDS? NO, WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU CARE? IT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT? I KNOW WHY. IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME MADLY, PASSIONATELY, DEEPLY... JUST LIKE I ALWAYS SUSPECTED. Man: GET THE REST OF THAT STUFF OFF... THIS IS A PRETTY FANCY PLACE. WELL, FOR WHAT THEY'RE PAYING US, IT'D HAVE TO BE. [ Chuckle ] Michael: I'VE NEVER BEEN A WAITER. I HOPE I CAN DO IT. HONEY. THIS IS YOUR FAMILY BUSINESS. IT'S IN YOUR BLOOD. NOW YOU MAKE YOUR MOTHER PROUD. A-ARE YOU TWO THE WAITERS? UH, YES, SIR. OHH. WELL WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED? UM, THEY SAID YOU'D GIVE US OUR UNIFORMS WHEN WE GOT HERE. OH, THE OUTFITS. WHERE ARE THEIR OUTFITS? QUICKLY. Man: RIGHT HERE. QUICKLY. HURRY UP AND PUT THESE ON. WHERE'S THE REST OF THE TUX? OHH. UM, E-EXCUSE ME, I-I THINK THERE'S BEEN A... A M-MISTAKE. [ Chatter/laughter ] [ ? ] Various: O-OH, APPETIZERS. S... UH, W-WHITE WINE, OR... OR RED? Man: WHITE. VERY GOOD, SIR. Various: [ Lewd chuckles ] AND RED. Man: SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK. All: [ Chuckling/chatter ] SHRIMP BALLS? I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. OOH-OOH-HOO! All: [ Laughing ] KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE TENDERLOIN. OH-HO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER THERE? COME CLOSER. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF SOME OF THE CLOTHES? YOU MIGHT GET OVERHEATED. ROLL OVER. NO, DON'T. DON'T. [ Panting ] I CAN'T. IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT OKAY. YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS ENOUGH DISORDERS TO MERIT YOUR OWN CLASSIFICATION IN THE DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL, YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST WELL ADJUSTED AND HIGH FUNCTION- ING BASTARDS I KNOW. THANKS. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET? A SERIES OF HOPELESS ADDIC- TIONS, FOR ONE. AND NEVER SEEING A SHRINK, FOR ANOTHER. YOU'RE SEEING ONE NOW. SO, UH, YOU TRIED TO HOLD HIM, TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, BUT HE WOULDN'T LET YOU TOUCH HIM? THAT MUST BE A FIRST FOR YOU. HOWEVER, IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE. SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, NATURALLY HE'S GOING TO BE AFRAID TO LET ANYONE TOUCH HIM. EVEN YOU. BUT HE'LL GET OVER IT, RIGHT? THAT DEPENDS. IT'S LIKE A... A FAIRY TALE. RAPUNZEL TRAPPED IN THE TOWER, HANSEL AND GRETEL CAGED BY THE WITCH. ONLY IN THIS CASE, IT'S JUSTIN'S MEMORY THAT'S BEEN LOCKED UP. AND IT'S... IT'S UP TO YOU TO RELEASE IT. HANDSOME PRINCE. [ Sigh ] AND... HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT? TRIGGER HIS MEMORY. GET HIM TO FEEL THE PAIN. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? UNTIL HE CAN PROCESS IT AND MOVE BEYOND IT, HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL ISOLATED, UNHAPPY, ALONE. HE'S NOT JUST THE WALKING WOUNDED; THE WALKING DEAD. AHHH. YOU'RE VERY ELOQUENT WHEN I'M DRUNK. I'M AFRAID OUR TIME'S UP. SO HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? I'LL TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE... NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IN THE BATHS. HUH! [ Club ? ] IT WAS AWFUL. ALL THESE DIRTY- MINDED OLD MEN STARING AT ME AND PINCHING MY ASS. IT WAS FABULOUS! ALL THESE DIRTY- MINDED OLD MEN STARING AT ME, PINCHING MY ASS! WELCOME TO "POINT-COUNTERPOINT". BESIDES, WHAT ARE A FEW BRUISE MARKS? NOW, DOESN'T THAT FEEL BETTER? WE EACH MADE $500. HOW MUCH IS THAT AFTER TAXES? WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR? YOU'RE AN ACCOUNTANT. WASAN ACCOUNTANT. WELL, IT'S CLEAR TO ME WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. HOW TO OPEN A MILK CARTON ISN'T CLEAR TO YOU. NEVERTHELESS, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. SUE HIM. KICK HIS HOMO- PHOBIC ASS... OW! SORRY, SWEETIE; TO COURT. AND SUE HIM FOR 10 MIL. NO, MAKE IT 20. OKAY. THERE. [ Chuckle ] MY TURN. THAT'S BRILLIANT, ONLY, MELANIE TOLD ME THERE'S NO LAWS IN THIS STATE COVERING DISCRIM- INATION BASED ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION. SCRATCH THAT. NO, YOU JUST RUB. I'M GOING TO TALK TO WERTSHAFTER. CONFRONT HIM LIKE A MAN. TELL HIM, "LOOK, I'VE BEEN A LOYAL AND DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HERE FOR NINE YEARS. YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY." THEN I'M GOING TO GROVEL. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC PUSSY- BOYS ARE YOU? WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE? WHERE'S YOUR SELF-RESPECT? WHERE'S YOUR DIGNITY? [ Ringing of telephone ] HELLO? YES, THIS IS HE. WHAT... YES, I-I BELIEVE I WOULD BE AVAILABLE. MM-HM. MM-HM. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. A WEALTHY CLIENT WOULD LIKE AN ATTRACTIVE DOMESTIC TO POLISH HIS SILVER. I HOPE YOUR ASS HOLDS UP. HMMM. 100 BUCKS AN HOUR BUYS AN AWFUL LOT OF LOTION. ALL RIGHT, BOYS. I'M OFF TO BUFF IN THE BUFF! SO MUCH FOR DIGNITY. [ ? ] WELL... WE WERE DANCING. AND, UM, I THINK THEY WERE PLAYING THIS. ANYWAYS, THAT'S WHEN BRIAN CAME IN AND HE HAD ON... A TUX. AND A WHITE SILK SCARF. I THINK I REMEMBER THAT. I'M NOT SURE. WELL, UM... HE LOOKED AWESOME! AND HE SAID TO ME... "YOU LOOK HOT, DAPHNE. I'D FUCK YOU." [ Chuckle ] HUH. AND THEN HE ASKED IF HE COULD BORROW YOU TO DANCE, AND HE TOOK YOUR HAND, AND, UH, LED YOU TO THE DANCE FLOOR. THEY WERE PLAYING THIS. CLOSE YOUR EYES. MAYBE, UH... YOU'LL REMEMBER SOMETHING. ? ... WITH THE GUY WHO GIVES YOU THE EYE ? ? LET HIM HOLD YOU TIGHT ? ? YOU CAN SMILE EVERY SMILE ? ? FOR THE MAN WHO HELD YOUR HAND ? ? 'NEATH THE PALE MOONLIGHT ? ? BUT DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ? ? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ? ? SO DARLING ? [ Sigh ] WELL? ? SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ? WE REALLY DANCED TO THIS CORNY OLD SONG? [ Chuckle ] AH... I'D PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS "RIDICULOUSLY ROMANTIC". Daphne: YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT. YOU AND BRIAN HAD THE ENTIRE FLOOR TO YOURSELVES. ? BUT DON'T FORGET... ? WE DID SOME, UM... PRETTY FANCY MOVES. [ ? ] MOUTHS WERE DROPPING. IT WAS SO COOL. AND THEN, WHEN YOU GUYS KISSED... IT WAS SO HOT. YOU KISSED ME? IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY? YEAH. YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE. ? YOU CAN DANCE ? ? YOU CAN DANCE ? ? GO AND CARRY ON TILL THE NIGHT IS GONE ? ? AND IT'S TIME TO GO ? SO, FIRST DAY BACK. HOW'D YOU FEEL? HUH, LIKE I NEVER LEFT. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. WORKING AT THE BIG Q KIND OF SPOILS YOU FOR ANYTHING ELSE. [ Chuckling ] YEAH. THERE YOU ARE, NOVOTNY. STELLA JUST CALLED IN SICK. I NEED YOU TO STAY TILL MIDNIGHT. BUT I JUST FINISHED A 10-HOUR SHIFT. ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? BECAUSE I'D HATE TO THINK I HIRED AN ASSISTANT MANAGER WHO'S REFUSING TO DO THE JOB. SURE, I'LL STAY. HAPPY TO. GOOD. TAKE OFF YOUR COAT, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME, AND START RETAGGING THESE. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. OH. AND, UH... WELCOME BACK. LOOK, I CAN CALL MY BOYFRIEND AND CANCEL DINNER. UH, HE NEEDS TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS ANYWAY. NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU GO ON, TRACE. THERE'S NO REASON EVERYONE'S NIGHT SHOULD BE RUINED. [ Sigh ] OKAY. Store announcer: [ On P.A. ] ATTENTION, BIG Q SHOPPERS, THE STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN 15 MINUTES. [ Deep sigh ] YOU WALKED DOWN WITH ME BACK TO THE JEEP. AND WE WERE, UH... WE WERE GOOFING... SINGING, AND WE WERE DANCING... [ Laughter ] I KISSED YOU. I SAID, "LATER". AND THEN YOU TURNED AROUND, AND, UM... SMILED. HUH! THEN I KNEW WHY DEBBIE CALLS YOU SUNSHINE. AND THEN I WENT BACK TO THE JEEP AND AS I... SAW HIM IN THE MIRROR COMING AFTER YOU... JUSTIN! [ Thud of falling ] [ Running of steps ] [ Dropping of bat ] CHRIST! DON'T YOU... REMEMBER ANYTHING? [ Sighing ] [ Sigh ] I WISH I COULD REMEMBER. I WISH I COULD FORGET. SCHMIDT. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? I, UH, CAME BY TO PICK UP MY MR. COFFEE, AND... TO SPEAK WITH YOU, SIR. IF I MAY. [ Nervous cough ] MR. WERTSHAFTER, AS A LOYAL AND DEVOTED EMPLOYEE HERE OF NINE YEARS... 8 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, 6 DAYS. YOU ALWAYS WERE PRECISE, SIR. RIGHT DOWN TO THE DIGIT. THAT'S WHY IT SAYS WERTSHAFTER ON THE DOOR, I GUESS... [ Muttering ] [ Nervous chuckle ] I JUST... I WANT... I WANT YOU TO KNOW H-HOW... UNREASONABLE AND UNFAIR I THINK IT IS THAT YOU DISMISSED ME OVER SUCH A MINOR INFRACTION. I'M SURE IF IT HAD BEEN ONE OF THE OTHERS, YOU WOULD'VE JUST LOOKED THE OTHER WAY. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS BECAUSE I'M... I'M... A HOMOSEXUAL. PRECISELY. YOU GAYS, EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS, YOU THINK IT'S DISCRIMINATION. WELL, THIS ISN'T ABOUT DISCRIMINATION. THIS IS ABOUT COMPANY POLICY: "ANYONE FOUND USING THE INTERNET FOR REASONS OTHER THAN BUSINESS PURPOSES WILL BE DISMISSED FORTHWITH." YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T CHARGE YOU FOR THE TIME YOU SPENT ON-LINE. YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR. SCHMIDT. YES, SIR? ONE MORE THING. ARE YOU HAPPY BEING AN ACCOUNTANT? HAPPY? DOES BALANCING THE BOOKS MAKE YOUR HEART BEAT FASTER? NO, SIR. NOT REALLY. THEN I'M DOING YOU A FAVOUR. NEXT TIME, FIND YOURSELF SOMETHING YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR. OTHERWISE, YOU'RE JUST JERKING YOURSELF OFF. All: [ Mixed chatter/cheers ] Debbie: ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS? LOOKIT HERE! MAKE A WISH, SWEETHEART! I WANT A NEW JOB. I WANT A NEW JOB. NOT YOU. HE'S TOO YOUNG. AND I REALLY NEED IT. Melanie: ONE, TWO, THREE. [ Deep breath in ] All: YAY! Child: LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE! YOU KNOW, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY WHAT A THRILL IT IS FOR LINDSAY AND ME TO BE CELEBRATING OUR BEAUTIFUL SON'S VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY, AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE. HOW VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE ALL HERE TO SHARE IT WITH US. YOU CUT THE SCHMALTZ SO I CAN CUT THE CAKE! [ Chuckling ] OH, OKAY, GRAB A PLATE BEFORE THE ICE CREAM MELTS. COME ON. HI. Girl: THANK YOU. [ Mixed chatter ] [ Chuckle ] MMM. YES, HONEY? ARE YOU AND HER MARRIED? UM... NO, SWEETIE, WE'RE NOT. HOW COME? ASK YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN ABOUT... OH, 20 YEARS. [ Giggling ] WANT SOME? YOU KNOW, WHITE FLOUR AND WHITE SUGAR ARE ABOUT THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR BODY. UH-HUH. 30 YEARS AGO... WE HAD YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY. IN THE BACKYARD. WITH THE KIDS, AND THE CAKE... AND THE SWING SET. HUH. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT A GRATCHET IS. SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE, HUH? YOU'RE WRONG, MA. THINGS CHANGE A LOT. IF YOU DON'T CHANGE WITH THEM, THEN YOU GET LEFT BEHIND. LOOK AT ME, I'M... I'M RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME PLACE I WAS BEFORE. AND EVERYBODY ELSE HAS MOVED ON. I FEEL LOST, MA. OH, BABY. YOU'RE NOT LOST. YOU'RE JUST FULL OF SHIT. [ Sigh ] YOU'RE ONLY LOST IF YOU'RE ALONE. YOU ARE SUR- ROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR WAY. NOW GO ENJOY THE PARTY. HMM? OH, WAIT. TSK. SHIT. All: [ Gasps of surprise ] WOW! OH! LET'S SEE! YES! OH-H! LOOK! YOUR SON'S GOING TO BE A BASEBALL PLAYER! YEAH WELL, IF YOU MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM, I'M GOING TO HOLD YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE. WHOOO! OOH! [ Chuckling ] Emmett: BASEBALL! YAY! Emmett: YOU SWING THAT BAT, BIG BOY! JUSTIN. JUSTIN! [ Thud of falling ] [ Gasp ] OOPS. THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY. THANKS. WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO FOR HIS SECOND? LEAVE TOWN AND STICK YOU WITH IT. [ Chuckle ] HERE, GIVE ME A HAND. YOU KNOW, THIS, UH... WOULD BE THE PERFECT PLACE FOR A WEDDING. THE WHITE SATIN BOWS ON THE ARBOUR... THE TWINKLING LIGHTS... ACHUPEH... ONLY, NOT UNDER THE SYCAMORES. I WAS THINKING... OVER BY THE ROSE BUSHES. LINZ... I THOUGHT WE PUT THIS TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL. KENDALL MORGAN WOKE IT UP IN ME. WHO? THE LITTLE GIRL WHO ASKED IF WE WERE MARRIED. I REALIZED THAT SOME DAY, OUR KID IS GOING TO ASK US THAT VERY SAME QUESTION. AND WHEN HE DOES, I HAVE TO SAY NO, THEN HE'D WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT, AND THEN I'D HAVE TO TELL HIM BECAUSE... STRAIGHT PEOPLE WOULDN'T LET US. ONLY, THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH. WHICH IS? WE WOULDN'T GIVE OURSELVES PERMISSION. SORRY. [ Clearing of throat ] IF IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BE ROMANTIC, LINDSAY PETERSON, WILL YOU MARRY ME? NOW YOU'RE PROPOSING TO ME? WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO THINK IT OVER. YES! Both: [ Giggling ] AAAH! [ Laughing ] [ Groan ] [ ? ] [ Giggling/yelping ] [ Laughter ] [ ? ] [ Yawning ] BETTER NOW? MM-HM. YOU REALLY FREAKED ME OUT. WHAT, YOU? IT WAS LIKE, YOU GOT HIT ALL OVER AGAIN. I REMEMBERED WALKING AWAY AND... SUDDENLY HEARING YOUR VOICE CALL MY NAME TO WARN ME. YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THAT. YOU TRIED TO SAVE ME. GUESS I FORGOT. [ Sighing ] IT'S A GOOD THING ONE OF US REMEMBERED. I WANT YOU INSIDE ME. ARE YOU SURE? YEAH. JUST... TAKE IT EASY. LIKE THE FIRST TIME. [ ? ] CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? What the hell? He's dead. Kelso! Open, damn it! No, they're getting away! What is wrong with this thing? Well, this is against my better judgment, but... . Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead. Ow! That's invisible! Donna, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding and lots of it. Who chooses a chick over a friend? What? Kelso, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy? No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you, and you could've played in the snow until we were done. Kelso, try to look at the facts. Jackie wanted to get married, so you bailed, so she found someone else, so now she doesn't want to marry you. This solves your problem. Albeit with an unpleasant twist ending. No, I don't care. I'm kicking Hyde's ass. Whoa, Kelso, Kelso, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean... Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out. Aah! Unh! That's my eye! Heh, heh, heh! Nice. Uh-oh. Ow! My eye! Bastard! No, stop! It's my butt print. Look at it! No two are the same-ow! My eye! What am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code. He's wrong. You know what? You're right. He's like my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back. So, Kelso, how many things around here have you put your butt on? Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on. Oh, just a moment. Red, it's somebody about buying the Corvette. Ugh. Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean? The grunting indicates aggression, Jim. Idiots. I am about to sell something special to me because we're having another baby, and to do that, I have to believe that this child won't turn out a smart ass. Hello. Yes. Don't call here again. Well, what happened? Oh, the guy sounded like he was eating. I don't want some fat bastard eating in my car. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon because I'm pregnant! Oh, oh, and you're picking your grandparents up from the airport. I'm going to tell them that I'm pregnant! They get in from Phoenix at 5:00. You know, I was hoping when they moved to Arizona they'd get lost in the desert. What's wrong with Mrs. Forman's parents. Nothing. They're just-they're...very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words. Grandma yells. Grandpa drinks. That pretty much summed it up. Now, that is not true. My father is a wonderful man who just gets a little sleepy. And my mother, well...fine, is a little remote. Which, I have learned through many helpful books, makes it impossible for her to say "I love you." Even if it's the only thing in the world a sad little girl needs to hear. And which is why I say it to you every day. Eric, I love you. And you, too, Steven. I love you! Yeah, no, that's okay, you don't have to-no, that's all right-ok, I love you, too! I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me. We...barely knew. Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural. Like radioactive spiders. Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me? Uh-oh, sounds like he knows. Finally. What, your mom knew? ! And Fez? ! Fez never knows anything! I know. I'm really coming into my own. Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me. How are you gonna do that? By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be. I'm gonna go find an eye patch. So what are you gonna say? Oh, it'll come to me in the moment. Don't you think you should plan it out a little? Does an astronaut plan out his missions? What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded? Oh, you just wait and see. What's up? That's an interesting question, *Hyde*. What *is* up? Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie. Aha! So the battle of wits has begun! What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Jackie. I hate you! Ow! My eye! Thanks again for the dream catchers. A blind Indian with three fingers made those. It was quite a thing to watch. Wow, I wonder if him being blind had something to do with the losing the fingers. Actually, I think they were taken as part of a primitive manhood ritual. So, Eric, I kind of like your grandparents. What were you so worried about? Wait for it. Burt, Sweetie, I think that car's trying to pass. Why don't you move over? Oh, he's fine. Honey, I really think you should move over. Sweetie, he can go around. Move! I'm moving. And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door. Ohh. He's just so bad at doors. Look... if you don't work things out with Kelso everybody's gonna choose sides and nobody's gonna be friends anymore. Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. I didn't do anything wrong. You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation. Ugh! That's just so not the way I wanted to spend the day. Well, I didn't want to spend the day wiping tears and pudding off of Kelso's cheek. Burt, honey, why don't you come over and sit with us? I'm fine here. We'd really like it if you would sit and join the party. I'm part of the party right here. Sit! So, Burt, you're looking fit. Dry heat and central air, that's the key. I've even got an air-conditioned garage. We could go from the house to the car without ever feeling the heat. Wow. They literally never have to breathe fresh air, wow! Who needs it? Yep. Well, those are some real nice sandals, Burt. Hardly ever see those on men. Also made by the handicapped Indian. What spirit. Oh, um, everybody's here. Hello, mom, daddy. Kitty, tell everyone your wonderful news. Quick. Um, I'd really rather not right now, Red. But that's why were here. Yeah, for the love of God, mom, tell them. No, I said not right now. Kitty, they came all this way. Yeah, come on. Fine. You want to hear the big news? The doctor told me I started menopause. Kitty! Language! You're not pregnant? No, no, just barren. Talk about that. Mom, I'm really sorry. I knew you wanted a baby, but I'm not really sure what to say, I'm not really sure what menopause is. Are you gonna, like, lose your hair? Shut up. She's not losing anything. This just means-from time to time-a woman's body-ahem! Kitty, explain it to the boy. I'm just getting some juice. Hey, mom. Maybe you should talk to grandma about this. Well, that's an idea. I mean, we're just ignoramuses. Ok, ok, scoot. Is it-is it like a lady parts thing? We'll look it up in the world book. Oh, those cookies look good. Well, thanks. I'm sorry I made a scene. Oh, you were just tired. No, I wasn't just tired. Mom, I'm having a really hard time here. Did it hit you this hard, too? Did what, Dear? Menopause. Oh! I never had it. Mom, everybody has it. Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables. You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause. Well, I didn't. Yes, you did! Well, it doesn't matter, because it's not nice to talk about. Well, not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why don't you ever really talk to me? I told you I liked your cookies. I'm gonna find your father. Burt! Is she gone? You know, that woman is crazy. Your mother just doesn't know how to talk to people. If she yells at you, she really means that she's sorry you're upset. And if she breaks all your golf clubs, she really means "Happy Anniversary." Oh, daddy, I love you. I love you, pumpkin, and so does your mother. Burt! You never saw me. Try to get my eye now! Aah! Hyde, get off! Not until you calm down! Ahh! A wet one! Fez, I'm gonna get free eventually, and I'm gonna kick your ass. Kelso, look, man, we need to settle this. No, I don't want to settle this. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is pound you so you can feel as bad as I do! Fine. Fair enough. Go ahead and hit me. A free shot. You gonna hit me back? No, man. That's why they call it a free shot. Oh. Ok. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready. We're ready! Do it, fool! You know what? Forget it. It's not gonna change anything. I just...forget it. Look, Kelso... I didn't plan for this, but... look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm-I'm really sorry. Aww! Would you get bent? So what are we gonna do now? I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do. You two are gonna shake hands, and you're gonna be done with it. Nuh-uh. Come on. Give it a try. Shake hands. I don't wanna. Shake! Hey. Well, well. Look who it is. Ugh. Look, Michael, I'm glad I found you. How's your eye? What do you care? Ok, look, Michael, I know we should've told you sooner, but I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, because I wanted you, and you left and broke my heart. And I like Steven now, so you need to get over it so we can be friends again. Apology accepted. Here, let me help you. Ow! My eye. Hey. How you doing? Oh, great. It's so nice to no longer be a woman. Kitty, that's not true. You know I've been-I've been trying to think what I could do to make you feel better, and I finally came up with something. I sent your parents home early. That kind of helps. I just-I really wanted to be pregnant. You know what the real kicker is? This morning, when we thought you were still pregnant, I sold my Corvette. "Memorial day, meningitis-" Ok, here we go. "Menopause." Good God. I didn't think they'd have pictures. Well...at least they use the word "uterus" a lot. I could've gone a whole lifetime without knowing they had a mucus membrane. You know, you just-you can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no, look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh, dad... I think you have menopause. Hey, Eric, can you hand me a cookie? Um, I can't reach while I'm driving. Come on, please? Just one cookie. Just wait till I stop. Cookie! You know, Donna, you catch more flies with sugar. Right, Burt? (Laughs) Why is Hyde kissing'Jackie? What the hell? - He's dead! - Kelso! Open, damn it! No, they're gettin' away! What is wrong with this thing? Well, this is against my better judgment, but- (Clicks) Thank you. Now Hyde's really dead. Oh! That's invisible! (Rock Group Singing) (Ends) (Man Shouts Greeting) Donna, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding, and lots of it. Who chooses a chick over a friend? Kelso, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard... 'cause you wanted 10 extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy? No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you. And you could've played in the snow until we were done. Kelso, try to look at the facts. Jackie wanted to get married, so you bailed... so she found someone else, so now she doesn't wanna marry you. This solves your problem, albeit with an unpleasant twist ending. No. I don't care. I'm kickin' Hyde's ass. Kelso, Kelso, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean- Seriously, think about how this plan usually turns out. (Groans) That's my eye! Nice. Aah. My eye! (Groaning) (Car Radio: Rock) (Shouting) That's my butt print! Look at it! No two are the same! Ow! (Crying) My eye! Uh, what am I supposed to do? He broke the code! He's wrong! You know what? You're right. He's, like, my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back. So, Kelso, how many things around here have you put your butt on? Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on. Oh, just a moment. Red, it's somebody about buying the Corvette. (Grunts) Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean? - The grunting indicates aggression, Jim. - Ah! Idiots. I am about to sell something special to me, because we're having another baby. And to do that, I have to believe... that this child won't turn out a smart-ass! Hello. Yes. Don't call here again. - Well, what happened? - The guy sounded like he was eating. I don't want some fat bastard eating in my car. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon- (Singsongy) because I'm pregnant! Oh. Oh. And you're picking your grandparents up from the airport. I'm going to tell them that... (Singsongy) I'm pregnant! They get in from Phoenix at 5:00. You know, I was hoping when they moved to Arizona, they'd get lost in the desert. - What's wrong with Mrs. Forman's parents? - Nothing. They're just- They're very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words. - Grandma yells, Grandpa drinks. - That pretty much summed it up. Now, that is not true. My father is a wonderful man... who just gets a little sleepy. And my mother, well- fine- is a little remote... which, I have learned through many helpful books... makes it impossible for her to say, "I love you." Even if it's the only thing in the world... a sad little girl needs to hear. And which is why I say it to you every day. Eric, I love you. - (Kisses) - (Chuckling) And you too, Steven. I love you! Oh, yeah. No, that's okay. You don't have to- No, that's all right. (Grunts) Okay, I love you too. I can't believe that you knew Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me. We... barely knew. Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial... because it's so unnatural. Like radioactive spiders. Well, that's true. I'm - It's just- How can Hyde do this to me? - Uh-oh. It sounds like he knows. - Finally. What, your mom knew? And Fez? Fez never knows anything! I know. I'm really coming into my own. Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me. - How are you gonna do that? - By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be. I'm gonna go find an eye patch. - So, what are you gonna say? - Oh, it'll come to me in the moment. Don't you think you should plan it out a little? Does an astronaut plan out his missions? What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded? Oh, you just wait and see. (Clears Throat) - What's up? - That's an interesting question, Hyde. What is up? - Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie. - Ahh! So the battle of wits has begun! What battle of wits? I admit it. I've been messin' around with Jackie. I hate you! Ow! My eye! Thanks again for the dream catchers. A blind Indian with three fingers made those. It was quite a thing to watch. Wow. I wonder if him being blind... had something to do with the losing the fingers. Actually, I think they were taken as part of a primitive manhood ritual. Eric, I kinda like your grandparents. What were you so worried about? - Wait for it. - Burt, sweetie, I think that car is trying to pass. - Why don't you move over? - Oh, he's fine. Honey, I really think you should move over. - Sweetie, he can go around. - (Shouts) Move! - I'm moving. - (Tires Squealing) And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door. Oh, he's just so bad at doors. Look, if you don't work things out with Kelso... everybody's gonna choose sides, and nobody's gonna be friends anymore. Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. - I didn't do anything wrong. - You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation. (Groans) This is so not the way I wanted to spend the day. Well, I didn't wanna spend the day... wiping tears and pudding off of Kelso's cheek. Burt, honey, why don't you come over and sit with us? I'm fine here. We'd really like it if you would sit and join the party. - I'm part of the party right here. - (Shouts) Sit! (Sighs) So, Burt, you're lookin' fit. Dry heat and central air. That's the key. Uh-huh. I've even got an air-conditioned garage. We can go from the house to the car without ever feeling the heat. Wow. They literally never have to breathe fresh air. Wow. Who needs it? Yep. (Forced Chuckle) Well, those are some real nice sandals, Burt. Hardly ever see those on men. Also made by the handicapped Indian. What spirit. Oh, um, everybody's here. - Here she is. - Hello, Mom, Daddy. Kitty, tell everyone your wonderful news. Quick. - I'd really rather not right now, Red. - But that's why we're here. Yeah, for the love of God, Mom, tell them. - No, I said not right now. - Kitty, they came all this way. - Yeah, come on. - Fine. You wanna hear the big news? The doctor told me I started menopause. Kitty, language! - You're not pregnant? - Nope. Nope. Just barren. Talk about that. Mom, I'm really sorry. I know you wanted a baby, but I'm not really sure what to say... mainly because I'm not really sure what menopause is. Are you-Are you gonna, like, lose your hair? Shut up! She's not losing anything. This just means that from time to time- A woman's body- (Clears Throat) Kitty, explain it to the boy. I'm just getting some juice. Hey, Mom, maybe you should talk to Grandma about this. Now, that's an idea. I mean, we're just ignoramuses. Okay, okay. Scoot. Is it - Is it like a lady-parts thing? We'll look it up in the World Book. Oh, those cookies look good. Well, thanks. Sorry I made a scene. Oh, you were just tired. No, I wasn't just tired. Mom, I'm having a really hard time here. Did it hit you this hard too? - Did what, dear? - Menopause. (Chuckles) I never had it. Mom, everybody has it. Well, I've always been quite health conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables. You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause. - Well, I didn't. - Yes, you did! Well, it doesn't matter, because it's not nice to talk about. Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why don't you ever really talk to me? I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. (Shouts) Burt! Is she gone? You know, that woman is crazy. Your mother just doesn't know how to talk to people. If she yells at you... she really means that she's sorry you're upset. And if she breaks all your golf clubs... she means "happy anniversary." Oh, Daddy, I love you. I love you, punkin, and so does your mother. (Bea Shouts) Burt! - You never saw me. - Okay. Try to get my eye now! (Groaning) Hyde, get off! Not until you calm down. - Ah! A wet one! - (Grunts) Fez, I'm gonna get free eventually, and then I'm gonna kick your ass! (Grunting) Kelso, look, man, we need to settle this. No, I don't wanna settle this! I don't wanna talk about it! All I wanna do is pound you so you can feel as bad as I do! Fine. Fair enough. Go ahead and hit me. Free shot. You gonna hit me back? No, man. That's why they call it a free shot. Oh. Okay. Get ready. Here it comes. It's comin'. Get ready. We're ready. Do it, fool! You know what? Forget it. It's not gonna change anything. I just - Forget it. Look, Kelso... I didn't plan for this, but- Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm - I'm really sorry. (Fez, Donna) Aw! Would you get bent? - So what are we gonna do now? - I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do. (Clears Throat) You two are gonna shake hands, and you're gonna be done with it. No. Come on. Give it a try. Shake hands. - I don't wanna. - (Shouts) Shake! - (Sighs) - Well, well. Look who it is. Uh, look, Michael, I'm glad I found you. - How's your eye? - What do you care? Okay. Look, Michael, I know we should've told you sooner... but I'm not gonna say I'm sorry... because I wanted you, and you left and broke my heart. And I like Steven now... so you need to get over it so we can all become friends again. Apology accepted. (Scoffs) Here, let me help you. - Ow. My eye. - Yeah. Hey. - How you doin'? - Oh, great. It's so nice to no longer be a woman. Kitty, that's not true. You know, I've been tryin' to think what I could do to- to make you feel better, and I finally came up with something. I sent your parents home early. That kinda helps. I just- I really wanted to be pregnant. You know what the real kicker is? This morning, when we thought you were still pregnant... I sold my Corvette. (Laughing) Memorial Day, meningitis- Okay, here we go. Menopause. Good God! I didn't think they'd have pictures. Well, at least they use the word "uterus" a lot. I could've gone a whole lifetime... without knowing they had a mucus membrane. Well, you just- You can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no. Look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh. Dad, I think you have menopause. Hey, Eric, can you hand me a cookie? No, I can't reach while I'm driving. - Come on. Please? Just one cookie. - Just wait till I stop. (Shouts) Cookie! You know, Donna, you catch more flies with sugar. Right, Burt? (Snoring) - I'll pick you up at lunchtime. - I can walk myself. Yes, yes. I'll call then. Bye. Hello, Bengt Tavast. Malin, what is it? Malin, what is it? Malin? Where are you? What's going on? Malin! Malin! Hello, is that the police? There's something happening ..... 9 00:03:24,826 -- 00:03:28,422 Malin! - Do you think he's sick? - Because he fell asleep on the Lill-Skansen? Because he's hot. He didn't look at the monkeys once. - Actually, he's a little warm. - It's a fever. We should take him to the doctor... Because of a mild fever? You never thought it was a problem when I had a temperature. - Who said that? - Mum. I was a very active child, remember. But when I had a temperature I was sweetness and light. Right? That could be true, but I still think we should check... Yes, Beck. Right, where? Can you pick me up? I'm at Skansen. The main entrance - ten minutes then. OK. Bye. - I'm sorry, honey. - Don't we need to take him to the doctor? No, you're probably right. I tend to exaggerate for sure, it... - Besides, you've got to go. - Tell that to the murderer. - And you said you'd cook dinner for us. - I will. Lamb fillet and potato. Go home and put William to bed, I'll be home by 5:30 to 6:00 ... sevenish. Murder. Probably killed here, not been moved. There are some footprints, in amongst the moss and leaves... There's not much to go on. Damn it. A few hours off is all I ask for. Baron Pepper just got on the pitch and what the hell do I get? Rape? It's the season. - Do we know who she's? - Not yet. - What kind of line is it? - A DT. - A what? - Gin and Tonic. GT. DT, I actually said. Dual-Tapert fly line. - How do you know all that? - I've been fly fishing since I was 4. - What is it? - No, nothing. Look over here! Eva Lindskog. Born... 77. - 24 years old. - Not any more. - Robban and Nick? - On the road. - What have you got? - Ölandsgt. 4. Single, a student, childless. - Other relatives? - I've traced the mother. Here. - Has she been reported missing? - She lived alone. Hillman said she ... He said she was single, not alone. There are single people with partners. Not you. Not me. And not you. And not Hillman, either. - An entire section of single people. - Oberg is married. - On paper, yes. But she's... - Stop it. Who's taking the mother? - I will. - Good. Check if there have been any other attacks in Ågesta. There haven't been any. There was a woman attacked in the Stockholm region... Is it her? The victim? - Eva Lindskog? - No, Malin Tavast. - Haven't you heard about the attack? - What attack? It's terrible. Out at Tyresö. Her husband is at home. His phone rings. He answers and hears his wife screaming for help. He doesn't know where she is, she was on a bike ride. He can't do anything. Then he hears her getting weaker and weaker. - He calls the police, and then the phone goes quiet. - There's been no sign of her since. - Malin Tavast, you say? - When did it happen? This morning. I thought you'd found her body. - It's not her. - Who's Eva Lindskog? The murdered woman at Ågesta. Who's investigating the assault? - Tyresö police. Should we contact them? - Yes. Someone should talk to the husband - You think there's a connection? - No idea. Go now. - Bill and Ben. - Bill and Ben? They talk like Bill and Ben. haven't you noticed? No, but now you mention it. Do you think it's likely? The disappearance is connected to... I don't know. Hopefully not. Now we need to concentrate on Lindskog. So now the summer season begins. Soon they'll come in on a conveyor belt. She was raped and strangled. She's been dead for about three days. She was probably murdered in the same place you found her. Age you already know. Otherwise, no special features. - Any semen for DNA analysis? - No. There's no ejaculate present That's not unknow in cases of rape. - In several cases ... - We know. Anything else? Traces of blue textile fibres under the nails. They're being analysed now. - No grazes? - No. - She was probably suffocated during the rape. - Rape? It could have been a mistake. Some people stimulate each other in weird ways. Use violence, suffocation toys. Then it goes a bit further than intended. Have you finished fantasising? If I say it's rape then it's rape. A very brutal one. I can show you the anal and vaginal injuries which the... Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's not necessary. It was only a guess. She couldn't have put up much resistance. Maybe she was in shock, terrified, unconscious. No one knows what happened. Robban has located the area where Malin Tavast was. Through her mobile phone company. It's in Tyresö. - But not the exact place? - No. they've got dogs there now. Poor man. I'll go to Lindskog's mother now. - Tyresö... - When they find her, we'll get the case. - Probably. - Probably? You think she's still alive? What can I do? I must be able to help. I can't just sit here. I've got a child who's cried herself to sleep, because her mother's gone. How long can I lie to her? - We can offer you support... - No. I want Malin home. - We can bring in a crisis support worker. - No, it'll only make matters worse. My sister's coming. Why don't you find her? More dog patrols are out looking. They'll search through the night. But we don't know what could have happened. Daddy ..? Daddy ..? - Is it lamb fillet, or what? - Yes, but in pizza form. I'm sorry. - What about him? - He's fine. He's asleep. - Have you given him Calpol? - I'm not stuffing him full of medicine. Inga, medicine is there to help. I called the Doctor on the phone. He said it was probably a three-day fever. Has he been over here to see him? Dad, sometimes you are too much. Do you think I can't take care of my own child? And young children can get three-day fevers many times. didn't you? No. There you are, little darling. I think you're hot, I do. it'll be OK, you'll see. - No traces of a fight? - Not directly. It's difficult in woodland, you know. We've heard from both of the SOCOs The risk is she's been abducted. - Or managed to escape. - Then she would have sounded the alarm. Maybe she's wandering around. Tucked behind a tree. - Hi. Did you find her husband? - We were there yesterday. He's shattered. She was on a bike ride. They live near a recreation area, she often cycled out there. - Did he know if she met anyone on her rides? - No. They've got a seven year old daughter, too. She came into the room and it was... - It makes you ..... - Concentrates on the case. - Shall we go through the Lindskog case now? - Okay. we've found a bus driver who recognised her. Thursday she took line 833, the 9.25 from Farsta beach. She went on to Ågesta farm. She asked him to call up the station. - Any more than that? - A woman. She lives in Ågesta and said Lindskog asked for directions to Ågestasjön. - Was she alone then? - Yes. And since then no one saw her with anyone? - And no one has heard a noise or scream. - No. Or seen a stranger in the area. - Maybe she met someone. - The question is why. - And who? - I couldn't get hold of her mother until now. Was she helpful? Did she say why Lindskog was at Ågesta? No, she'd been away. She didn't know if Eva knew someone there. She thought she might have gone for a walk in the woods. She liked to do that. - Any more than that, I don't know. - Martin, Bengt Tavast called. He's got something to tell us. He's at home. And Oberg wants to talk to you. - I think it's horrible. - Yes... Gang rape, rapes in pirate taxis... We're flooded with rapes, each one more and more brutal. Last week in Alingsås another girl assaulted and raped. She was on a picnic with her children. The youngest saw everything. It's horrible. - Yes, but what can we do? We... - All we can do is pick up the pieces. How does it really help a raped woman when we catch her rapist? - It helps her relatives. - Yes, the... - And it'll stop the rapist in the future. - Yes, I know. I was just so... uff. What about the other woman then? Any progress, yet? Tyresö police have found the bike. And her mobile, in a wooded area. - But not her? - No. She's been taken. So she could still be alive. - Have we contacted the hawks? - Oh, yes. - Can they help? - How? I don't know. With anything, if she's still alive. - In that case it's not our department. - No. Let's hope it's not. - I just need to talk to the police for a while. - I don't want you to. - Stay with Annika, I have to. - I don't want you to. We'll soon be finished. I won't be long Come on, let's go in the kitchen. We can get something to drink. Come on. - Shall we start. - Sit down. - We could come back later. - No, no, no. It's okay. I have to hold back like that when Lina's with me. All her questions and staring. And feeling so fucking powerless. it's... She must have pushed the shortcut key to our home number. - Before she... - You didn't know what she went out for? No, not then, but I know now. That's why I called you. She... went out to buy a present for me A birthday present. A surprise. - How did you find out - Her friend Marie told me. she went to look at a bench. we've been after one for the kitchen... - A peasant style wooden bench She found one she wanted to look at. - Wherewas she going to look at it? - I don't know. Out there somewhere, I guess. - Where did she find it? - In an advertisement. - In a newspaper? - Marie didn't know where. And you haven't found a newspaper ad at home, or a note or anything? No. How long do you think it'll take before you know something, .. find her? They said yesterday that I'd know something once you knew something. Do you know something? - Yes. - What? we've found her bike and her mobile phone. - Why haven't you told me before? - We only found out just before we got here. - Where? Malin wasn't there? - No, she wasn't... there. - What does it mean? - We don't know yet. But as soon as we do know .... If she's dead. Or what? The poor fellow. It's probably just a matter of time before the body shows up. - What a fucking birthday gift. - And who'll tell him that? Oberg. - Hey there! - Hi. - What do you say? Remember these? - Jo... Sure. Some memories. I got a yellow one for Christmas in '71. I crept down onto it on Christmas Eve and didn't come up again before Christmas Day. I found it on the garbage site. People throw anything out nowadays. - Last week I found a brand new Macintosh. - A computer? Yes. But I gave it to the postman. Computers are a lousy fucking idea. An Australian scientist made a mutant arm, you know. Then he discovered that it had grown a tail out of the armpit. You, what do you think of these? - Very Fine. Were they in the rubbish, too? - No. I bought them in London. - Have you ever been to London? - Yes, why shouldn't I have been? What kind of attitude is that? Come on, come here. My brother and I sold clogs on Carnaby Street. Four-pound a pair. The customers thought they were platform shoes from Lapland. Silly bastards. What the hell? Hey, there must be a hole in the bag. It was a... Martin! Martin! Hey, what's that? it's from forensics. They've examined Lindskog's apartment. This is could be interesting. A small torn off bit of paper with a number on it. - 070-426. The rest is gone. - Let's see. It was by the rubbish bin. She must have meant to chuck it out but missed the bin. - The garbage skip? - Emptied. I think it's a clipping from one of those ads that people stick up. Maybe she was responding to one of those, and wanted to buy something. - In the middle of the woods? - To hell with that. Malin Tavast went to look at a bench, she'd seen in an ad. - Who said that? Her husband? - Yes. He didn't know what ad though. It was to be a surprise for him on his birthday or something. Was Lindskog also after a bench? Look here! - Measurements for a kitchen bench. - Possibly. Lindskog and Malin could have seen the same ad. - Both of them could have met the same person. - Unfortunately. - Where're Robban and Nick? - Ringing door bells at Lindskog. Tell them to look for ads local to the area. In bars, shops, entrances to flats, everywhere. And the same round Malin's area. Here's the ad. it's the same mobile number. And it's a kitchen bench. Yes, Nick called from Tyresö, and he's found a similar one there. - Strange. He uses his mobile. - Why? - We can listen in and track it. - Maybe he doesn't know that. - Then we're chasing an amateur. - I'll check the number. And you! Just in case it's not stolen, get a search warrant. We can assume the perpetrator contacted the victims via the number strip ads... - Arranges a meeting, then rapes and suffocates them. - They? - Sorry. Eva Lindskog. There are a couple things that overlap. With Malin, too? Yes, several. Should I go to husrunden? No, stay out there for a bit longer. So what do we do now then? - With what? - we've found the ads. More tiptoeing around when we've got the number of the probable murderer? - You want us to go public with that? - Yes, aren't we obliged to? Maybe. But only when we've found Malin. It's most likely the same man in both cases. And if we go public about the ads ... ... he'll know we're onto him. But maybe then he stops, so we save lives. We warn off any possible future victims. Once it's public knowledge they'll hardly call up a murderer for a bench. No... The phone is not reported stolen. It's registered to a Kent Svanborg. - Is he in our records? - No. We'll check all calls. - Should we listen in? - Immediately. - I'll contact the public prosecutor. - Get the passport photo of Svanborg. Chase up Gunvald for the search warrant? Now we've got a chance. And we'll... Beck! Hi, dear. What, how high is it? Yes, I did say so. I said he needed to be ... Try to get him drink plenty of water. As much fluid as possible . And ice. Yes? Yes, I'll call in as soon as I can. Kos. Sorry, that was my daughter. William isn't so... What is it? it's a search warrant. You can get ice on the way. I told her at the zoo he was hot. But she took no notice. Can young children get a fever without it being serious? - I've not got any children. - But you were one once. Have you got time for a little ransacking? Maybe it's him. No, that's not the key. This lock has obviously been changed. Strange. - Why? - that's a new dirk secure lock. - I don't have the keys for that. - When did you see him last? I think he's away. We could ask his neighbour. She waters his plants. Hi Elin. Have you got a key to Svanborg's door? He's out. - You want to borrow it? - Yes, we need to check something. You'll get it back again. Elin is a bit special. She keeps track of everything that happens in this house. Good. Thank you. I'll bring it back afterwards. Goodbye. - It wasn't Svanborg. - No, we know. Make it fast. And keep away from the window, in case he comes back. - See here. A book about fly fishing. - Fishing line. Isn't this a GT line? - DT. Yes, it is. - Let's see. - And it's been cut. - We'll take it. - What are you doing? - Checking if his mobile is here. - Are you ringing the ad number? - Yes. Hi, my name is Linda Svensson. I'm calling about the kitchen bench. I'm very interested. You can reach me on 0704-97 20 86 Goodbye. What are you doing? What number was that? My private number. And it's secret, so he's only got that and a fake name. - Smart. - Idiotic. You've made yourself a decoy? - we've just started listening in on his line. - But this could be faster. - Tracing his cell phone is fast enough ... - Martin! - Martin. What's done is done. - What will you do if he calls? - Arrange a meeting. - Just like that? With a killer. Blow it out. Pull back, put him off and check whether he's got a car that... He's got a blue Audi. Ay. Call the Technicians and tell them to monitor the apartment. I'll stay here for a bit. - What will you do? - Take the temperature. Hi, my name is Linda Svensson. I'm calling about the kitchen bench. I'm very interested. You can reach me on 0704-97 20 86 Goodbye. Thank you for the loan. I'm Martin Beck, from the police. - Can I come in a bit? - Yes, that's probably OK. Come in. - Go in and sit down. - Thank you. We understand that Kent Svanborg's away. Do you know where he's gone to? - He's gone fishing. - Ay. Where? - Norrland somewhere. He loves to fish. - But you don't know where exactly? - No. - How long will he be gone for? It tends to be for a couple of weeks. He'll come back home soon. I check his mail and water the plants. I'm retired, on disability grounds. Work related. I'm usually home during the day. - Are there any other keys to the apartment? - Yes, he's got one too. He changed the lock a while ago. Do you know why? No, you'll have to ask him. Has anything happened to him? No, no. We just want to contact him. Sorry. Yes, Beck. When? - What's happened? - His fever got worse and he got a stiff neck. And... he got cramp in the taxi. And as soon as we got here they took him inside I don't know what... I don't know... - What's wrong? - William has ... - Willihelm. - Willihelm probably has meningitis. - What's that? - An inflamation round the brain. - Is it serious? Will he need to be ..? - If it's the virus form it's not too serious. But if it's bacterial then... That's a bit more serious. - When will you know if it's bacterial? - We need to perform a lumbar puncture. A spinal examination to determine what type of meningitis it is. You'll be notified as soon as we get the results. - it's good they're on to it. Sit down. - I should have come here sooner. - I know, I told you that. - You just said that he felt a bit warm. I couldn't know. The Doctor on the phone said... - Ice! You twerp. - Inga love, we've got to calm ourselves down. Yes, but these things usually fix themselves. My mobile's ringing now. I'd better take it. I'll call you later. Bye. Hello? Yes. That's me. You... Yes, that's right. What kind of bench is it? I'd really like to see it. Theoretically, I can anytime. That'll be a little difficult. Tonight I'm busy, I'm afraid. Can you make it tomorrow morning, about half past nine? Excellent. Where do you live then? Wouldn't it be easier for me to come straight over to your house then? Okay then, I'll see you there. That's fine. Bye. You decided to arrange a meeting yourself? What else should I have done? Tell him I wasn't interested anymore? - For a start. - Now can we get to him. By exposing Alice .... for what? We're talking about a sick, unknown killer. We don't know who he is or where he is. The call came from Stockholm. - How did he sound? - Calm. there was something about his voice. I got the feeling I'd heard it before. He called himself Rune Fjällgård. Hillman's checking the name. It has to be invented. The mobile was clocked, it was Kent Svanborg's. Anyone can call from a mobile phone. It wasn't necessarily Svanborg. - His mobile hasn't been reported stolen. - He could have lost it. And someone could have found it and just started using it to kill women. What? - Did he ask if you were coming alone? - No. Strange. He doesn't know if you'll have someone with you. It's probably a risk he needs to take. If he asks it would be suspicious. - He needs to take that chance. - Probably. - And are you ready for this? - I've seen Eva Lindskog. I've been to Bengt Tavast's home. I'm more than prepared to do it. - Where is it, the meeting place? - it's located here. - Not just any forest. - No. - He's changed the pattern. - Yes. Why? He thinks we've found Lindskog. He knows that we're looking for Malin. it's a difficult place to cover. We need to be as close as hell. Yes, not just that. Any defence counsel could cite this as clear provocation .... entrapment. And then we'll have the all of upstairs after us. I don't like this. he's late. - Check the rider. - It's a girl. Check anyway. She may have seen something. No, we've blow it. - Did he see the cyclist? - No. - Why didn't he turn up, then? - He suspects you're police. Why? Linda Svensson with a secret number. Plenty of girls have a secret number. Because he's killed before he's being careful... Our Ad Man is being ultra cautious. - We're jumping one step ahead. - Maybe he got stuck in traffic. Hey, it's Linda Svensson again. It's past eleven, and you haven't come yet. Can you call me back. Maybe I got the wrong the time. But I'm still very interested in the bench. Bye. Martin agrees with me. We can't wait any longer. - And now we're going to make it public? - Yes, because there's a killer on the loose. Who could strike again at anytime. The victims should be warned. Or have you got anything better to suggest? - And what should we do? - Find Kent Svanborg. - Do I need to hand the case over to a new leader? - Why? Because Martin's got other priorities just now. - Do I need to do that? - No. - Is she cold or is she cold? - She's the boss. - it's could be her age. - Icy? - Like you are already. - Me? What are we talking about now? - You. - Me? How am I cold? - Yes? - Is that Linda Svensson? - Yes. - Hey, it's Rune Fjällgård. I'm sorry about this morning. I was up to my kneck in stuff. Are you still interested? - It sounds like he's driving. - Hello? I can't hear that well, but yes, I'm definitely interested in the bench. That's good. Can we meet at the same place, at seven o'clock this evening? - I can make that. - Good. And this time .... .... don't send Alice Levander. I don't like cops. You know what it is? Yes, unfortunately it's a case of a bacterial meningitis. - How bad, we don't know yet. - So what does it mean then? - It means the situation is serious. - What are you going to do then? We'll give him antibiotics intravenously. - I'm just going to the toilet. - Yes, yes. Sorry! Sorry, I just want to ask you. How serious is this really? I didn't want to ask you in there, for my daughter's sake ... Because it is a bacterial form it's concerning. Some of them can be life-threatening. - Life-threatening? So he could die from it? - Yes, at worst. But there's no reason to worry about that yet. I'll be back soon. He can't possibly have known that Linda Svensson was you. - Or what? - No. So he decided on a meeting to see if Linda existed, and so did you. - But how does he know who I am? - I don't know. He must have been around and seen me. - So he's ahead of the game. - Yes. Have you called Martin? What did he say? That we shouldn't have set up the trap. Police have issued a warning about a wanted man suspected of the murder of Eva Lindskog. The suspect is also being linked to the disappearance of Malin Tavast last Sunday. Both had arranged to meet a seller in response to an advert for a bench. Stockholm police are warning the public not to contact the so-called ad man. The ad has been seen on notice boards in Tyresö and Kärrtorp with the number... - Calvados. - How did you get in? I lied a little, I said I had cancer of the tongue and needed to see my brother. - Have you got any glasses? - Sure. Sit down. - Anything new on Malin Tavast? - No. They've drafted in the army to search. I wonder how her husband is taking it. He must have heard about the link with Eva Lindskog. Yes, poor fellow. Plastic glass for Calvados? I'd rather drink straight from the bottle. Okay... Cheers. - I've found him. - Who? Rune Fjällgård. From Stockholm, 55. Convicted of seven rapes. At large. - So there's a Rune Fjällgård? - He's on our records. - And he's 55 years old? - Yes. - When was the last rape? - The last known rape was five years ago. But how did he get hold of the mobile? And then to use his real name. Insane. - Have we caught up with him. - We're working on it. Yes... Hasta luego! Damn... Rune Fjällgård. We'd like to talk to you. - I haven't done anything. - You've done too fucking much. Shall we start? Rune Fjällgård. Good name. You're aware we know about your record, aren't you? Do you get a release when you rape someone? No response. Did you get your release when you raped Eva Lindskog? - Who's that? - Don't you know the name of your victim? - Have you got a mobile phone? - No. - But you know how to use one? - Do you think I'm stupid? You are stupid and ugly. I can understand why you have to rape to get a fuck. - Shall we step out the back or what? - You shouldn't be threatening me. You just grab anyone and harrass them to get what you want. That's your style, isn't it, Gunvald Larsson. Like I said right at the beginning, your short-term memory is sadly lacking. - Do you know who Kent Svanborg is? - No. Too bad. Do you have an alibi for Thursday, last week? - I haven't done anything. - Nobody ever has when they're in here. They only ever help blind women cross the road and rescue lost cats. No one has ever done anything. - Were you in Ågesta on Sunday, Rune? - I am not a murderer. No, I know you aren't, Rune, but I've got to ask you, damn it. - Nick and Robban tried to check his alibi. - Fruitless. Fjällgård couldn't prove it either. Our perpetrator is using his head. It's certainly strange that he called himself Rune Fjällgård. - A known rapist's name. Why? - Maybe he knows him. Someone who was inside with him; deliberately deflecting the blame onto Fjällgård. Turn off the engine. Get out of the car with your hands up. Turn around! Move three steps back. - Gunvald! they've got Svanborg. - Where? Essingeleden. they're bringing him in. He's got a blue sweater on. - Send it for analysis. - Done. The car has already gone to forensics. - Where's he been? - Loukta Mountains, so he says. I'll call Martin. Have you questioned him? I want Alice to interview him. Alone. Because she knows what a DT line is. Yes, do it. Soon you'll be going home, you'll see. there's a particular respiratory bacteria. Haemophilus influenzae. I don't care what they call it. Is it dangerous? In certain cases. But William is going to... - Willhelm. - Willhelm, sorry. Willhelm got here in such good time we've confident things will go well. - Can I go in to him? - Sure. In certain cases, you said. What does that mean? This bacterium has a mortality rate of 5%. It's pretty low. Other types of meningitis have much higher mortality rates. I understand. We are very grateful to you... - When will we know that he's over it? - Pretty soon. How much has the snow melted? And the water level is high then. It's blowing up there, so which flies are taking? You're sure? Good. Thank you. Martin wanted you to... Soften him up a bit before I take over. - Why does he want me to start? - Because you're cold. Hello. Do you mind if we video our chat? I don't know. No. I haven't done anything. - You're called Kent Svanborg, huh? - Yes. Wednesday 2nd June, at 7.30.pm, Kent Svanborg interrogated by Alice Levander. Or should I call myself Linda Svensson? I don't really... - You've been on a fishing trip for two weeks? - Yes. - Were you alone on the trip? - Yes. - Where've you been? - In the Loukta Mountains. I'm showing the subject a ticket with the telephone number 070-426 7385. - Is that your number? - Yes. - Where's your mobile? - At home. - Didn't you take it with you? - No. - Whereabouts in the Loukta mountains were you? - By Gråberget. it's situated on a... - I know it. By Storselet? - Yes. Why? - And did you catch any trout in the pond? - No, the water level was too high, so... - Too bad. It's usually good for a fly. - Sure. But not now. - Why not? - The wind's too high. - No luck then? - Not round there. - Do you know a Rune Fjällgård? - No. Who's he? we've searched your flat ... What the hell are you doing? ! Going through my flat? There was no mobile phone in there. Do you have any explanation for that? We went through the flat again after the interrogation, and the phone was there then. - In his apartment? - In the bookcase. - It wasn't there when we searched it first. - we've monitored the apartment ever since. - Strange. Do you think it's him? - I doubt it. He was probably up in the Loukta Mountains for both the murder and the assault. - You can read the interrogation? - He was right about everything. The high water level, wind speed, flies, all spot on. - How do you know that? - I called before and checked. - Couldn't he have done the same? - Yes, but... But what? What have we got here? A guy with no concrete alibi. But he does have a mobile phone that hasn't been reported stolen. It's number was used in the ad which you yourself called. We've got a guy with a blue sweater. And the fishing line Lindskog was strangled with. What are we talking about here? You've talked to the ad man on the phone, twice. - Was it Svanborg's voice? - It's hard to say. The first time I reacted to something, but now I don't know. Turn it round. If we say Svanborg is telling the truth. What've we got then? Did someone get into the apartment, steal his mobile and put it back again? And how? There's just one extra key to the apartment, that's with his neighbour. Neither door nor lock was tampered with. How did he get in? Through the letter box? Is this X-files? Do you think it's the neighbour? - we've talked to him. - Is it something serious? - I hope not. - When is he coming home then? - Soon. Where are his keys? - Here. Why do you ask that? Because someone could have been in there while he was away. Someone apart from you. - Yes, I've got the keys. - Have you had any visitors in recent weeks? Good Lord, no. Actually someone selling the Watchtower tried to get in. - Do you believe in God? - Sometimes. Could you have forgotten to lock up? Little Miss, I might be on sick leave but I'm not stupid. I can lock a door. Would you like some coffee? - She seems to have the key alright. - Yes. - Not that good for Svanborg. - Yeah, maybe. - How can you believe in God sometimes? - It goes up and down. - I'm going to the Lian Veranda. - What's that? A good Mongolian restaurant on Krukmakargatan which is close to here. - In this city ..? - Do you fancy it? An ice cube like me? Yes, what the hell? Sod the report. I need to throw down a GT. - don't pull so hard. Not so hard. - But he has to learn. Otherwise we'll never discipline him. Come on now, Alfons. Come on, now walk on. Hi, Joseph, it's Martin. Yeah, that's okay. I want you to find all the old files on Rune Fjällgård. Go through each one, from start to finish. I don't know. But I've got a feeling the solution is in there somewhere. Exactly. I'll wait to hear from you. There's someone looking for you. He's stood over by the elevator. - Martin Beck? Bengt Tavast. - Yes. I read about the murder of Eva Lindskog. Are you leading the investigation? Yes. But now my grandson... Do you think there's a connection with the murder? That it's the same person that's taken Malin? - We fear it could be, yes. - But you don't know it, for sure? - No. - When will you know it? Bengt, come with me. Right now, .... Sit down. Right now all the police in the area are working to solve this. They were two horrendous incidents, but we are doing everything in our power... I can guess what's happened. I'm not stupid. I understand that Malin won't come back. That she's... I try to speak to people, but what can they say? Right? It's strange. You live a normal life together, then there's no one ... People you've known for years turn away as if you've got the plague. I need to talk to someone, but to say what? I need to say Malin isn't coming back. That she's... That she's gone. But you... As long as she isn't found there's still hope. there's no hope. don't say that. there's no hope! When you find her, so... Do you know which ideas are the hardest? What he's done to her. Not that she won't come back but what he's done to her. How she'll look when you... Need something? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come here and... I hope your grandson will be fine soon. - Yes, hi. What have you got? - Fjällgård committed his 2nd rape in '71. The victim was called Elin Wennqvist. Do you know her? - Thanks. - Is he still in any danger? - No, we don't think so. There, you see. Good, huh? Are you OK, now? Do you think I could slip away just for a little while? Dad, you've been amazing. The whole time. I want you to know that. Go on, now. Go. I'm sorry to call so early. It doesn't matter. I'm usually around at this time. You want some? I like one about now. - Yes please. - Cheers. Yes, what do you want to ask about? - Rune Fjällgård. - Who's he? - Is that what he looks like today? - Yes. - He raped me. - Yes, we know that. - Does Kent Svanborg know about it? - Why should he know? - Perhaps you mentioned it to him. - What are you looking for? Someone who's raped and killed a woman, who calls himself Rune Fjällgård. - Isn't it him? - No. Okay. Then there must be another one. - Besides, he knows who you are. - The Murderer? - Do you feel anxious? - No. A little bit, maybe. - Have you got protection? - No. - Need any company? - Yes, .... during the day. What are you like? - Are you back, then? - For the moment. Why? - You were needed here. - I was needed there, too. You can always replace a police officer. It only became a problem once we seemed to have a stagnant murder case. - Take over the investigation yourself, then. - it's not my area of expertise. - We need to stop a violent killer! - That's enough. - What is it? - Nothing! Margaret... I've worked with you on plenty of murder cases. You've never reacted like this before. What is it? Yes, I... Many years ago a close relative was raped by a man who was never caught. - I saw what it did to her. - I understand. - She became pregnant. - Jesus. - Did she have an abortion? - No. She gave birth to the child? Some women can't have an abortion. They can't do it. She just couldn't. But wasn't the child a perpetual reminder of... yes? It was my sister. - Joseph! Joseph? - Yes? Find out if Elin Wennqvist had any children, and when they're born. - But what was it that ..? - Sorry. And thanks. What did you tell him? Someone else will be taking your desk, unless you get up some steam. Yes, there has been some. But we need to talk, okay? Goodbye, friend. Elin Wennqvist has a son called Jesper. Born 3rd February 1972, nine months after the rape. Jesper... He has been in and out of mental hospital since he was 11 years old. He was last discharged a few months ago. One of his doctors ... - Described him as extremely unbalanced with a deep sexual disturbance. I've requested his medical records. - Where does he live? - Initially on Dala street, but not now. We're working on it. Get hold of a picture of him fast as hell and notify Gunvald and Alice. How did we miss it? A son? Why didn't she tell us about him? - She hasn't had the opportunity. - Or she's protecting him. That was him! The one on the stairs. That Alice ran after. That's why she recognised his voice. - Hi. haven't we met before? - Yes, in that doorway. I asked ... It was there, yes. You had a Police badge .... Alice Levander. We were so damn close to him we could have taken him on the stairs. - Isn't she answering? - Call denied. She never turns her mobile off. - Is this him? - Yes. We met him on the stairs. Was he visiting you? - Yes. - Why didn't you tell us? He comes quite often, as children tend to do. - Where is he now? - I don't know. - Where does he live then? - He doesn't stay here. He rents an apartment in Ynglingagatan 2 - Which floor? - First. Robban, it's Martin. He has an apartment in Ynglingagatan 2, first floor. I want to talk about Jesper. Alice! it's Gunvald! - You were 19, when Fjällgård raped you? - 20 - And you became pregnant? - Yes. - Was it a difficult decision? - What? To keep the baby. No, I'd always wanted one, and it was mine. And didn't it bother you ..... never knowing ..? - Jesper has been sick. - Everyone can get ill. But not like him. He has been in the care of... Jesper has never been like other children. Even as a child he was different. But there's nothing strange in it. I loved him. He was just a bit special. - Why? - Yes, he wasn't like everyone else. - He didn't like the other children. - Why not? He wanted to be with me. We were always together. - He's been in care since he was 11. - They lied! - Who? Doctors? - All of them. Everyone lied. One said we were harmful to each other. Imagine, a mother and her child! No... - How did you feel? - What do you think? They said he was crazy. It was just a lie. He wasn't mad. You know as well as I do. Each time they took him... - So what did you do? - What would you do? If it had been your kid? They came through and said he needed to go with the doctor. He needed to be with me. He wasn't sick! He's never been sick. He's always just been a little different. Beck. What the hell ..? He's got an apartment in Ynglingagatan 2 Robban and Nick are on their way. Yes, I'll come too. Good. I'd be grateful if you stay here until I contact you again. - What did he want? - What have you done? Don't lie to me. Have you taken your pills? What have you done to those girls? Nothing stops you, does it? Stop, Jesper. Stay here, Jesper! He's not here. Not there? Fuck, what do we do now? I should have stuck with Alice. The lift was full of... Where do we begin to look for her? Beck? Yes. Where? Do you know where he's gone? OK, I understand. Thank you. - That was Elin. - What fucking factory? - It should be somewhere on the waterfront. - He did work experience there. - That solves it. He heard that Svanborg was away for 14 days, helps himself to his key,... - Takes his mobile and starts his fucking ad campaign. - Why did he phone back, though? - I don't know. To shift the blame to Svanborg. - And I fell for it. - We both did. What're you staring for? Don't stare! That's better, right? I hate people staring. They just stare and stare. Do you understand that? ! Why the hell did you phone? Why can't you leave me alone? I haven't done anything. Ihaven't done anything! Ouch, it hurts. Just like sticking plasters on your ears and pulling them off. I had protruding ears. The plasters flattened them to my head every night ... - But they were stuck to my hair when they pulled them off in the morning. Women pull out the hair on their legs like that, with wax. Do you do that? Do you have hairs on your legs? I think about that. I like it. Should I give you a sound? Did you ever guess a sound when you were little, Alice? It's fun. I was always doing it. In the playground I'd close my eyes. What do you think this is? it's not difficult, it's a lighter. This is worse. What's this? it's the kind of nylon line you need to look out for. If I tie it round your neck you won't stare anymore. I can remove the tape, but then you'll need to keep your eyes shut all the time. If you start to stare again... Malin Tavast? Take care of her. Alice? No, Alice! I'm going to kill the fucking bastard. Satan! Martin! Martin! Hell fire! Mommy? I... - He's here. - Again? - On the road. - On the Way? Elin? It's Martin Beck. Where's Jesper? Everything is my fault. A Mistake that I gave birth to him. A mistake that I told him. When did you know? He began to accuse me of a lot of things. Always blamed things on me. Everything was suddenly my fault. He hated me, and he'd... He should... Finally, I told him ... . That his father was a rapist called Rune Fjällgård. And hadn't he known about that before? I thought it would help him if I told him about it but ... It was obviously a mistake. - Where are they taking her? - For psychiatric assessment, I think. - Anyway, it's not on our desks anymore. - Thank goodness. I'll say hello then I'm outta here. I'll visit her properly later. Hello, hello. Look who's coming to say hello to his little king. Can you see what your grandpa has brought you? I'm terribly sorry. Hillman must have have mixed up the room numbers. I'll come back later. It was Joseph, he... mixed up the room numbers - Grandfather, when can we go to see the monkeys? - I don't know. What do you say? On Sunday, maybe. Marrying the Mafia Executive Producer JUNG Tae-won JUNG Joon-ho KIM Jung-eun YOO Dong-geun SUNG Ji-roo PARK Sang-wook PARK Keun-young LEE Ki-young LEE Seo-yeon RYU Hae-jung Special Guest JIN Hee-kyung Original Screenplay / Director JUNG Heung-soon - Who are you? - Who are you? Those are mine, you know. - Who are you, and where am I? - This would be my house. - What did you do to me? - What are you talking about? What are you? Are you a kidnapper? - What the... - Wait! For crying out loud, will you let me speak? Just be quiet. I don't need this now. Oh my god... what do I do now? My god... what am I gonna do now... - My god... - I don't know. Hey, miss... I think you're seriously mistaken. Please just calm down and let's think. Take it easy now. I swear, I didn't do anything. Hey, miss... What's wrong? Miss! Hello? Ummm... miss? Dad, I think this is it! Miss! Miss! Wait. Get your hands off of me! - What the hell are you doing? - Get your hands off of me! - Please just let go. - Miss. Hey! Take my name card here. I don't need it. And don't worry... I'm not gonna ask you to take responsibility for this. No... I just need my clothes back. I wouldn't take these even if you gave these to me for free. Just in case, can I get yours? Hey, Yoo-jin... Here! Here's my card. Wait... I can explain this. So that's why you left me so early last night. Whatever. It doesn't really matter to me. It's just that... I thought you could do better than that. So you picked up a prostitute on your way home, huh? See you later. Wait... A prostitute? How am I a prostitute? Member database security, more so than ever is increasingly becoming a major issue in maintaining a company's market share. Accordingly, Rio Web Solution Corp. developed the best security system Cyber Protector 7.7 with world renown Webpia Corp. In a strategic partnership. Hi. Hi. Hey, Mr. Park! Absolute home-run. Thanks to you. Dinner's on me tonight. Oh wait, I think someone's waiting for you at the rooftop. - At the rooftop? - Yeah. Did you gentlemen look for me? - Piss ass. - What are you doing? Take it easy guys. Why are you hitting me? Please let me go. I'm sorry. Whatever I did to you, I won't ever do it again. What are you sorry for? I'm not exactly sure. What? Say that again bitch. Why don't I take care of him? Alright. Look down bitch! PARK Dae-suh. - This is him alright. - Is that right? Then let's get him. Okay. Okay. Can you at least tell me what you have against me? Okay... if you must know... Hey, Kyung-tae. What are you a girl? Don't pee in your pants or anything. Just listen. Uhh... Over here is our father, JANG Jung-jong. And this over here, would be me. Next to me would be JANG Seok-tae. Followed by JANG Kyung-tae. And this over here is our princess you decided to get on with last night. We'll get into that later. So anyway, all of us put together is what you would call a family. Okay... I think I know what you're talking about, but... Here, I got it. Look at this kiss ass. You're alright boy. Get up for a sec. Here. Take a puff. Alright that's enough. So what are you gonna do about Jin-kyung? A man's gotta take responsibility for his actions, right? What responsibility? I didn't do anything. Hey, you slept with my sister so you'll take responsibility. We did sleep together, but never actually did it. - Never actually did it. - Motherfucker! I'm sorry. Please help me. - Down more, down more. - Please help me. - Down more boys. - Okay, I did it once. Drop! Memorandum PARK Dae-suh Motherfucker. Who told you to use SAT words on a memorandum? Here, give it to me. Memorandum. It looks just fine. What's wrong with you boys? Didn't you study at the pen? What did you do in school? Considering the circumstances involving the night of May 2nd. the alleged attempt at having sexual intercourse with Ms. JANG Jin-kyung seems rather probable. However, valid evidence seems to be lacking... This is the problem with educated motherfuckers. Hey, Mr. Law School. We ain't no brain surgeons. So make it simple. "I got jiggy with Jin-kyung late that night" "so I will take full responsibility." Somewhere along those lines, okay? Stupid. You ain't no Will Smith. Just say you did boom boom. Getting jiggy and boom boom... same shit. What's so hard about writing a memorandum? Make it simple. Just say, on the night of May 2nd, I did it with Jin-kyung three to five times. You got that? Do you want to go back up to the rooftop? Isn't this one of those... Oh my god! You did it. No! I don't know maybe. You're such a girl. Why didn't you tell me? So who's the lucky guy? Is he cute? Come on, I'm serious. Is it no period? When did you do it? Yesterday. And you're doing this today? Relax... you're not a rabbit. Hey, are all your brothers gangsters? - I'm sorry. - Sorry's all you got? Who the hell do they think they are? With this kind of beating, we're talking at least a four week diagnosis. That's strange... guess they were tired. What? Usually, it's an easy eight to twelve weeks. That's real funny. So you're telling me that boy and Jin-kyung spent a night together? Yes, father. Forgive me for saying this... but they sort of got it on all night. You know... They what? Who is this boy? He went to Seoul National University's Law School. He must be smart as hell. That's right. For real? Seoul National? Isn't that like the best school in the nation? Now we can finally have an elite family member after all. Marvelous. We could definitely use some brain in our family. But isn't that like nearly impossible to get into? Yeah, pop. That school's got all the smart people in this country. Then go get him for our family honor. Don't worry about it father. I'll make sure he gets married to Jin-kyung. Even if that means breaking his legs. Marvelous. Marriage? That's nonsense. Marriage? ...all because of a one night stand? What are you talking about? I didn't sleep with her. You just said you did. We did sleep together, but we never did it. Don't you believe me? I believe you. And even if you did it, I can let it go for once. I really didn't. Well... I'm not sure but I just don't think we did... Forget about it. You can go now. Okay. Hello? - Hey, brother! - What? Forgot my voice already? It's me, JANG In-tae. Jin-kyung's brother. My father wants to see you. So if you'll come down to Yeo-soo... Guess got disconnected. Anyway, I said some nice things about you. So my father is eager to meet you. So why don't you come down to Yeo-soo? It should be fun. I'll talk to you later. And if you hung up on purpose before, don't do it again. We're like brothers now. You're the man, Later. So you're here. You have something to say to me? Why don't we go outside? I can't. I'm working. Need to get back in soon. Okay, we'll talk here then. Have a seat. I really gave this some thought. Perhaps we can... go to the hospital and take a test you know, since we don't remember much. Are you...? What is that you want to test? Uhhh... you know, your hymen. What are you doing? Is that so important to you? Of course it is. Isn't it important to you? You were going to kill yourself. It wasn't about keeping my virginity. I just felt terrible that I had done this with someone I didn't even know. Did what? Christ. Your brothers are telling me to take responsibility for sleeping with you. I'll talk to my father about that and see what I can do. Talking to your father won't solve anything. You think I'm taking all this shit because I don't know how to fight? Your nose is bleeding. Have a good day. Hey, Jin-kyung! Jin-kyung! Bang! What brings you here? Your clothes... I had them dry cleaned. - Thanks. - Wait... Can I speak to you for a minute? - Have a seat. - Okay. Are you scorpio? Know anything about stars? Well... we have stars at home. Oh... You're missing a star. My girlfriend took that. Yeah... About what you asked last time... Yeah... I thought about it for a while and decided to do it. Really? That's great. Thank you so much. I'll never forget this. I'm gonna go now. Why already? Have some juice at least. One, two, three, four. One, two... three, four. So everything's okay? Play soccer from now on. - Master Albong's secret text... - Albongrok. This is the Albongrok. - So did you look him up? - Yes, father. First and foremost his private life seems real clean. And he's got good connections from his SNU Law School alumni. His father was a colonel for the army and is now some executive. Most importantly, the kid stood on his own through hard work. Is that right? That's great. So what's that web thing he's doing? It's called web solution. So I think he brings solutions for problems on the internet. So he's a problem solver. Sure, father. I'm counting on you to get the kid for our family honor. I'll die happy if Jin-kyung can find a decent man to marry. Okay father. I'll get started on it right away. - Right on. - Yeah. - Wait! - Yes. But aren't you going to play this with me? Alright then. Hundred bucks minimum. You got it. I shouldn't be doing this. I got things to take care of. Your turn. - Wow. - What the hell... - Give me a beer. - Yes. - Here you go. - Thanks. Guess you really like eggs... No. It's just that... you can't go without boiled eggs on a train. - You want some? - No, I don't eat boiled eggs. It's good. You should try. Do you know how many you've had? Are you sure you went to Seoul National? What does boiled eggs have to do with SNU Law School? They taste good and that's all that matters. "WELCOME TO YEO-SOO." "JANG'S FAMILY'S TO-BE BROTHER IN-LAW." Good to see you again. This ride costs about a hundred grand, you know. We should take this to Seoul and drive around Apku-jong. For what? You know, we can pickup some nice broads there. And rip 'em naked. Hey, hey. Do you have to use that Kind of language right now? What would our to-be brother in law think of our family? Be Quiet. Why do you always pick on me? Ain't there no love for us anymore? I mean... I wanted to go to Seoul National too. But you know, I ain't that smart and figured it was too far from home. So I gave up the dream. We're not getting no love no more. Dae-suh is four years older than you, so just shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. Please be understanding. PARK Dae-suh here. Very nice meeting you, sir. Is this what I think it is? Yes, father. It's a proof that says my body is all well. Okay. Then, let's set a date now. What date, father? Date for the wedding, of course. What? Sir, I think you're going over the line. What did you say? You have here a proof that says she's a virgin, and you're not satisfied with that? That's not what I mean, sir. I just don't think that marriage is something you can take that lightly. It has to be based on a profound foundation of love. What did you say? I beg to differ. Marriage is about destiny. And for you, sleeping with my daughter was destiny. Do you hear what I'm saying? But, sir... just like you don't marry women you randomly meet at bars, - What? - What are you doing? You think my daughter's just some random girl? That's not what I said. If you have eyes, look at my daughter here. She's beautiful and smart. And she's a hospital approved virgin. You spend a night with my virgin daughter and this is what I get? How do you call yourself a man? - How irresponsible... - Father. - Father, please. - Off of me. You don't know how hard it was to raise my princess on my own. You would never know. Raising her without her mother... my dear... I feel so lonely. Father! Dae-suh please have some food. How is this possible? Well... if we don't give into the situation, we're both dead. Just relax and enjoy the food. How can I relax? Looking good you two. Beautiful! Take it slow for now though. Hey Dae-suh, that's my wife. She's from Wanwol village. I don't know if you've been there. Nice meeting you. I'm PARK Dae-suh. I didn't expect you to be so naughty miss. I mean... I never imagined you would spend a night with a total stranger. Was it good? They just literally slept together. Just stay out of it. You actually want me to believe that nothing happened between two naked people of opposing sex in their twenties? What would you have done? I would've just done it, of course. You see? What about you? What do you think I'm crazy? How do you not do it? Plus, I wouldn't even have made it to bed. What about you? A man's gotta do what's necessary. You see... you're lying... Lying to me. I'm thinking they did it. Honestly, we didn't. I even brought you the doctor's note. Oh yeah, forgot about that. How do you know if that's real? Anyway, did you use protection? What the hell is wrong with you today Mi-soon? You stay out. Jin-kyung can be very naive sometimes, you know. Okay, let's just go have some drinks... just us men. Sounds good. Why don't you just stay... home for a change? Our future brother in law is here. It would be rude not to treat him. You're gonna go to that bar with whore hostesses again, aren't you? Relax. I won't go to the one in Wanwol. Stupid bitch. So I'm from Wanwol, what are you gonna do? Hope you die! What did you say to your husband? Here, take one. And just make yourself at home, OK? You better fuck the shit out of your partner tonight. Our baby here looks so innocent. Of course, he went to Seoul National. Really? I love intelligent men. I always hated nerds back in school. I think pretty much every one in the top 10%% % got their asses beat by me. Just because they were smart. For our future brother in law! You too, Kyung-tae. Let's drink. Hey, fuckface! Idiot, wake up! What a piece of scum. - For Dae-suh! - Cheers! Dae-suh! Are you awake? Yes, I'm awake. I brought you some honey tea. I'll put in by the door. - Jin-kyung, I want to talk to you. - I know what it is. We'll talk on our way back. Tea's always good for hangovers. Have some. It's not much... but take this. It should be enough to take Jin-kyung out on dates. I couldn't possibly. It's unnecessary, sir. It's not a big deal. Just take it. It's his order. It's really okay. Take it. Make sure to set a date for a formal bow before the wedding. I'm thrilled about Jin-kyung getting married. Finally... That thrilled, huh? "Attorney at Law KIM Do-hyung." Wait here for a minute. I just want to say hi to a brother from my fraternity. Okay, just don't take too long. We don't want to miss the train. It'll be quick. You came to the right place. I specialize in threat counseling. So who is it that's threatening you? Do you know who JANG Jung-jong is? JANG Jung-jong? Yeah. What are you kidding? Everyone knows Triple J. Triple J? Triple J is a legend. Supposedly, he once took on more than ten members of the... Dolsan family all by himself. Some say it was more than that. Just him and them. JANG Jung-jong. J, J, J Triple J... People once compared him to Robin Hood. He was poor fishermen's hero. The Dolsan family's boss left Yeo-soo ever since. And the two families became enemies. Let's assume that Triple J has a daughter. And some guy spent a night with her by accident. And Triple J wants the two of them to get married. But the guy refuses. What do you think will happen to the guy? That guy will disappear, and nobody will ever find out. because, he was buried in the ground. Holy god. Then what do you think the guy should do? There's only one answer. He should get married, or commit suicide. What? Suicide? Think you can do it, kid? Yes, sir. She's pretty hot too. It's not gonna be easy though. Considering she's a designer and all. If you take care of this, I'll see about that commercial you wanted. I'm not kidding you. You know my connections... Let's just leave it at that. Thank you, sir. I would've done it myself, if it weren't for a family matter. But need to stay out this time. I'm counting on you, okay? I'll keep that in mind, sir. - Did you have lunch? - Mi-soon. What brings you here? Just stopping by. Who is he? He'll be working with us. Really? Nice meeting you. I'm Mi-soon. Jesus. She's Mr. Jang's wife. YEO Min-seok here. Pleasure meeting you. My pleasure. So you're the rookie model, YEO Min-seok, right? What an honor... so what brings you here? Hey. Stop embarrassing me, and just sit. Do you always have to do that in front of other people? We're gonna go now. Okay. He had a really... cute butt. Why don't you go date him then. Dirty whore. You have a husband to serve. You're one to speak. You're the one that sleeps around with hostess sluts all the time. What the... Are you starting with me? I didn't come here to see you. I came to talk about our son. Like father like son. I'm ashamed to visit his teacher. Can I help you? Are you... Ms. WON Hae-sook? I'm Young-min's father. Oh yeah, please come in. Yes. Thought you were going to marry Yoo-jin. What happened? It's a long story. Just go along with me. A mob family? This is just so preposterous. Please just bear with me today. Or else, we're all dead. What are you so scared of? I maybe a retired colonel, but I can take 'em. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. Dad, I don't think it'll be that easy. You don't think I can take them? Oh lord. Dad, there they are. Good to see you, sir. It's a pleasure meeting the in-laws. Pardon? - Please have a seat. - Okay. Cheers again! To our family honor, What is this a beauty pageant? I know that you're all a little surprised by the whole thing... But please be understanding as I always like things done fast. Why don't we set a date for the wedding while we're at it? Sir, marriage I think should be thought over more carefully. Listen to him. We were informed of this matter just recently... so if you'll just let us think over this with some time... Do you not like my daughter? No, sir. That's not what we meant. What's with the knife? You got anything better? What are you a sissy? Carry a bigger knife. You see... this works. This is a good knife. You are right on, father. Are you okay there? Would you like to try this? Father. Okay. Her family was a little rough, but she seemed very nice, right? That's right, Dae-suh. I think you should give this some thought. I'm not getting married to no Mafia. We could all get hurt though. I was so scared, I couldn't tell where the food was going. What's wrong with you? I'm not marrying her regardless. Hey, Dae-suh. Please think again. I think it could really be something. On the bright side, it could bring us wealth. Dad, what happened to your "I'll take care of everything" speech? Hi. Why are you making a big fuss over a one night stand? Excuse me? I understand that your family's a bunch of thugs. No wonder. But don't you think that this is too much? I think you're crossing the line. Why is your family going all out to get your married to Dae-suh? I've been going out with him for six years. Six god damn years. Do you know what we went through during all that time? How long did you know him? About two weeks. And of course, you probably slept with him way more times. Bitch. If you measure love by the number you've had sex with the person, Why would there ever be divorced couples? Whatever. That's enough. That's right, my family members are all thugs you got a problem with that? Just shut the fuck up before I rip your mouth. You know Dae-suh would never just randomly sleep around. Who do you think you are? You wanna die, bitch? Need to calm down now. You see... I never gave two shits about your boyfriend to tell you the truth. But just because you're a little slut, I just might as well take him from you. So I don't ever want to see you again. You don't think this is too much? I mean... couldn't you find a man on your own? Stop pretending like you're a goodie goodie. Here in democracy, I mean... what's up with all the violence? If not smart, you should at least be nice. If they use violence again, I'm telling the police... What was that for? That's right, my family's a bunch of low-life gangsters. But they're still my family. They raised me with love and devotion. They may be gangsters, but they're my father and brothers. Even if people point fingers at them, they're my loving family. Who are you to talk bad about them? Why are you crying? Why are you talking like that about my family? Stop crying. You just degraded my family. - When did I... - You did. That's not what I... Man... that's some touching shit. It's like a god damn movie. They're looking real good. Hey, Yoo-jin! What brings you here? Yoo-jin, YEO Min-seok. Min-seok, LEE Yoo-jin. You know him, right? Of course I've seen you on magazines, but it's my first time in person. Nice meeting you. LEE Yoo-jin here. Pleasure meeting you too. She studied in France. We all have huge expectations of her. Looking forward to working with you. Don't mention it. I should be the one to thank you. Let's get to business. They're going to the chick's house. My parents went abroad. My sister studies in England, so they made a trip out of it. Yeah... I like your house. So what's your intention? What do you mean? You're being too nice to me. When you really have no reason to be. - I have a work to do. - What are you talking about? I just want to get to know you a little bit better, that's all. Oh yeah? Right on then. Let's. I sort of needed this lately, because of heavy stress. I'll shower first. Sir, you need to pay. Look at the check please. C'mon get up sir. Check please. 376 grand? Are you nuts? What are you crazy? What the... You expect me to pay this? This is a fuckin' scam. - Call the manager. - Sir... What? What? - Are you the manager? - Yeah, what? What the hell is wrong with you people? You drink, you pay. When the hell did we drink that much? Look at all these bottles you drank. What the hell... Who drank this? You're underestimating me. Out of my way! Do you know who I am? - Fuckin' assholes. - Motherfucker... Hey! Hey! Hey! Alright. Let's see what a big shot he is. Who is he? Oh lord, I'm sorry sir. Please forgive us, sir. You get who I am now? Thought I would do this, right? In your dreams fuckheads! Take out their wallets. What the... poor bastards. What the... Hey, try this one. Mr. Manager, no need for credit cards. I'll make a call. Okay. Hey, Dae-suh. Who did you call? I got it. What the hell? Where's our brother in-law? Here. You okay, brother? Yeah. On your knees asshole. Fuck. Don't be stupid. Be nice boys, okay? Fuckin' assholes. Hey, keep it straight! Dae-suh! You got a problem, bitch? Fuckin' assholes. Be nice, okay? What? Who did? Fuck. Boss! Who the fuck was it? I'm thinking it had to have been triple J's boys. Hang the fuck up. Are you stupid? How did they invade our territory? Boss, you're getting wet. I don't give a shit stupid. Just go get triple J you shmuck. Hey, brother. How come you're not picking up the phone? Jin-kyung's been kidnapped. Give me a call when you get this message. The message has been deleted. What? How did that happen? Press the star button. I did, moron. For AT T wireless, you have to press the pound key. Why is everything so damn complicated? Hey, I'm sorry. - Wait a moment... - Let's go! I got that. Take care. Hey, Dae-suh. Jin-kyung's all yours. So remember, you're gonna have to save Jin-kyung, okay? Okay! You boys crossed our territory, huh? Just shut up and get down here. Nice move kidnapping my sister. What the... Off of me! Take it easy... Jesus. Dae-suh's really something that kid. I just thought he was a well educated geek. But today, he showed us his bravery by saving Jin-kyung. As he should. He'll be a part of our family soon. Jin-kyung, how do you feel about Dae-suh? You can talk to us. What do you think? I don't know... Don't mention it. Relationships... should come natural. He has a girlfriend he's been dating. No need to worry about that. You're right. We don't want to force anything between you two. I understand what you and father are trying to do. I just want someone nice and warm like you guys. Except for all the fighting. Let's go to sleep now. We all have to go to work. I'm really in no mood to drink. I have an important meeting tomorrow morning. We'll just have a beer or two. This place isn't bad. Let's go. - Let's go. - I... Take this. Bottoms up. You know her? No... How was your day Mr. Park? Some lady left this here. "Try not to skip meals. Jin-kyung" Man... this is some expensive dog. Yeah man... Can't get no dogs anymore these days if you're not rich. "My name is Mr. Dae-suh. Dae-suh." I never ate breakfast before... But I've been eating it everyday, thanks to you. Have you been taking cooking classes? How did you know? I only went twice. I can tell by the taste. You can always tell one's cooking if you taste the food, but did you? Do you want to hear a funny story? Dae-suh snores during sleep. - I snore? - Yes. And he also grinds his teeth. Oh... you mean when I drank with your brothers and got really drunk... You first. Dae-suh drinks a lot of water it seems. Not really. Only when I eat salty food. But there's always pee on the floor. I was busy cleaning it for a while. What? Watch out. The elevator needs repair. Please use the stairs. What do we do? Don't worry. I'm with you. There should be an emergency switch over here somewhere. - Here... - Get your hands off! Sorry. Thought the switch was too big. Your hands are still on me. Where is it then? Maybe it's this one. That's mine too. Sorry. Thought I saw it somewhere. What's wrong? Dae-suh! Move that over for a sec. That surprised me big time. The phone's not working either. This is 'apple juice'. We're at the destination, over. This is 'Viagra'. Got it, over. That was quick. Don't move. Dae-suh! Dae-suh! Dae-suh! Dae-suh! Dae-suh! Dae-suh! Dae-suh! The star you're looking at right now is a virgo named Spica. That doesn't look like a virgin to me. Use your imagination. How about that? Yeah. Now it does. It's resistance to a compromise with reality is what makes it so beautiful. Thanks for laying out my personality so nicely. I'm not done yet. As the virgin went up to create the stars, she shed ears on the way. Do you know what those turned into? No. The milky way. Orpheus played the harp in front of Hades to revive his dead wife. Touched by Orpheus' spirit, Hades revived Orpheus' dead wife and told Orpheus not to look back until she was completely out of hell. But then he looked back. How did you know? Hmm, Usually... That's what happens. You said you were interested in astrology. Out of the Harpe constellation, Vega stands out the most. Like you, Jin-kyung. Why did you call me? I'm busy as all hell. I came 'cause I missed you. How old is your teacher, Young-min? I don't know. You don't know your teacher's age? Is she married yet? I think she's single. - Are you sure? - Yeah. Really? You're doing okay in school? Well... there's this kid named KIM Dong-suk. He keeps writing stuff on my clothes. Take a look at this. Man... Crazy kid... so did you just let him do this to you? You should've stabbed him with a pencil. What if he gets seriously hurt? You see, bothering a quiet person is wrong. But it's okay to stab someone with a pencil if that person kept bothering you. - For real? - Of course. And as a man, you should always keep on eye out for yourself. What's up? I've had enough now. What's wrong? Young-min beat up a kid again. Who? KIM Dong-suk? How do you know him? Well... if you look at Young-min's diary, it says that Dong-suk's a bad kid. It said he wanted to hurt Dong-suk. Do we have to go to school? I don't even have time for it. Okay. Don't go. I'll go. Besides, only man can solve a man's problem. You okay, honey? Why don't you go get your hair done again? What a bad boy. Bad boy. Let's ban school violence! Let's stop school violence. How are you doing? School violence should really be stopped, don't you think? Sure. Taking my kid for instance. This naughty kid that sat in front of him just took out a pencil and stabbed him. The injury could've been quite serious. You can't be serious. That's not all. Excuse me for a sec. It's me. What? Sang-pal? Motherfucker. What the... Kill the motherfucker! What are you looking at? Ms. Won... How are you? So... 8 o'clock's good? Yeah, 8 o'clock. Let's ban school violence. So do you like the clothes? Yes. Put them on and think about me from time to time. I don't think we should do this. We didn't even do anything. Well... I guess you could say that. Don't you love me, Ms. Won? Man... Look at me in the eyes and talk... Don't you love me? Christ. To tell you the truth, I'm married. What are you talking about? I didn't mean to hide it from the beginning. I'm sorry. Ms. Won, settle down. I know you're single. What are you talking about? Are you for real? You sure? Yes. Oh lord... Go get some coffee. I said coffee! Okay, okay. What a fuckin' shame. What a perfect night for couples. Stars shining upon the sky. Coming up is TAE Jin-ah. I think she's single. - Are you sure? - Yeah. Providing false information is not allowed in our family. You fuckin' whore! How do you call yourself a teacher when you sleep around like that? Wait! What are you doing? I didn't do anything. What did you do that for? You bitch! Love is for lovers. Love is for lovers. What... Ms. Won! What happened? Ms. Won get ride in. Who did this to you? Who did this to Ms. Won? That's... Mi-soon. Bitches! Ms. Won, I'll see you later. I'm out. Sir, you have a delivery. Just leave it there. You don't wear them... Oh my panties? Tae-woo's taste changed. Fantastic. I told Tae-woo that I loved him last night. The funny thing is, as soon as I said it, I actually started falling in love. You? Love? Whatever. Jin-kyung, I'm telling you it just sort of happened. It comes natural. I was surprised myself. I'll see you later. I come here whenever I feel lonesome. It just makes everything better. Random people would just come and sing, or play music. I feel alive here. Frankly, I don't like crowded places. I feel more comfortable on my own. I think you're great except, you have this self defensive shield. Guess you're quite conservative. You should open up your mind a bit by meeting lots of people. It's my personality, you know. I'm trying... but it takes time. - Pleasure having you here sir. - Oh, yes. Why don't you come down and sing? You know I can't sing. It's our bar's 5th anniversary. If you win, you get two tickets to Saipan. - Really? - Yes. You're going down? Yeah, to the bathroom. I always miss you But you're not as close as you are in my mind. Looking at a worn out picture of you makes me miss you again. I always miss you. Where did you go? Come back to me. I'm always thinking of you. Dae-suh! What brings you here Yoo-jin? Thought I might see you here. - So I came. - You had too much to drink. I'm sorry, I have a party. Sure. I always miss you. Yoo-jin! Are you okay, Yoo-jin? Come back to me. I'm always thinking of you. Come back to me darling. Let's light up our fire. Dae-suh. I'm not feeling well. Stop the car please. Wake up, Yoo-jin! Why did you drink so much? Let's start all over Dae-suh. I missed you so much. You're too drunk. I'll get you something to drink. Hello? It's Jin-kyung. Who's calling... my boyfriend at this hour? She left a while ago. Jin-kyung! Jin-kyung! It's me, Dae-suh! Dae-suh, It's me. Jin-kyung. First, I want to say that I'm sorry. My family bothered you too much, didn't they? I thank you for putting up with me and feel sorry at the same time. But, don't think of my father and my brothers so negatively. If anything, it's because they love me too much. I'm going to see my father now. I'll tell them that if they bother you again, I'll run away. Don't worry and hope you find the right person. Be happy... Jin-kyung! Jin-kyung! One sec. Jin-kyung. Hey Mr., stop the car. Please, stop the car. C'mon. Stop the car. What do you want to do? Just keep driving. Hey, Jin-kyung! You look so beautiful. Thanks. Man... it's good to have Phil Jackson's blessing. Florist? We're missing Michael Jordan. Oh, and we're missing Shaq too. Hurry up. Mother... Jin-kyung's finally getting married. The groom is an SNU educated elite. He's a great guy. Very nice, the kid. Guess we're finally an elite family after all, huh? You would've loved this. Boss, you got a call. What is it? What, Sang-pal is? Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom. An educated man who owns and manages a respected business... My sister's getting married today. Please let go. Motherfucker... I don't think so, asshole! You okay? In-tae! - Are you okay? - What happened? Are you okay? What's going on? Is the wedding over yet? Yes, it's over. Get up In-tae. Come on, let's go. So you two are a couple now, huh? Yes, sir. Boys, they say the wedding's over. Fuckin' A. Have some respect for yourselves. Father, these motherfuckers... You fuck. How do you do? Just wanted to stop by and send my regards. You fuckin' assholes... Dae-suh, chill out. You need to save your energy for our honeymoon. Yeah, you do that. Are you Sang-pal? Good thing you came. I'll show you today what an excellent shape I'm in. Boys, let's rock and roll. For our family honor! These two are wasted. Taking you people home now. Heads! Watch your legs. You did good. Mom! Mom, Mom! 48min. And 37sec. If you take long time like that your mom would be a dead, son of bitch What's this? Can you see? I'm testing how fast you are So all is only a test? Hey, hey We have to try constantly to protect our family Practice like real, real like practice, OK? Mom! Why don't you trust me? It's not like that your brother took the same test really? How long does he take? Under 30minute and he came alone Shame on you, Bring two followers Mom, I can't keep up with him He's far better than me You're right - I suddenly miss your big brother - mom, please stop it. Mom! What...? Mom! Mom! Are you OK? Devil takes it! What's this? Why did you arrive too late? I' don't know... Son of a bitch You plant a tree every time you get chance even though it's not a Arbor Day Your penis will be rotten Fucking bastard, scumbag! Sit up, you idiot! What happened? Which fucker attacked my mom? Game's over Go and plant your tree again You left me out of the family business Damn it! Turn it to vibrate Boss... It's time to go You like it? This is my favorite song - Music is not in my line - What? Ah... you're too busy to listen to music I love the man who works so hard like you I come to the office at 2 pm and go to sauna exactly at 6 pm Oh... that's very nice I don' like to live with a crowded schedule I don't wanna live like that I used to go the barroom every night Drinking? I love that! I especially like Soju I'll be dead drunk for 5 cups flicker, flicker Is your name Hyo-jung? - Do you have time? - Yes, a lot Do you have pride? Nope You have no sense, I have no manners So stop wasting our time I'll go first Shit! I don't know what happened I'm so sorry... He's fantastic What... Boss, What kind of chic do you like? I can't possibly know your taste How dare you know, idiot Jin-sook? Boss, are you OK? Son of a bitch! How are you? Hi, Prosecutor What...? Bingo! What's this? Shit! Why did you tie your body with that cord? Anyway, sit down please Wow, You didn't use I don't sell myself with that petty cash Impossible! So, I will send it again with a bigger box You don't understand? I don't care about money Especially hoodlum's money like yours So you come here to return this money and bug me? It's my hobby to check the victim's face before I arrest him Well, you must feel thirsty so get some cold drink and cool your nerves, please You think I drink? I know your trick You put drugs in here You smell a rat? I just put a vitamin to make you feel better - You son of a bitch - Why don't you drink? You will be dazed and we can do gangbangs What? What did you say? Why are you so upset? And I'll traffic you to some island with a high price Fucker! I'm the prosecutor of the Public Prosecutor's Office Do I look like I am easy? I'll teach you a lesson today Traffic me to some island? Don't look down upon a Korean prosecutor I'll kill you all today! What... You drink it You are a... dead meat Take off her clothes and take a picture Yes Crazy bitch Oh... hot, hot... Damn it! Get her! Damn! Stay here and watch! Hey, help me... Hey, pay attention! Hey, Miss... Miss... Miss Hey, don't stick your nose into my business! I cannot do that You shall have to pay for this You won't beat me Fucker! Fuck him up! What are you doing here? Since when did you become a police? There's no law that says only the police can use sirens Anyway who are these rookies? Huh? What a smell... You peel the hull off her? Look at this! What can I do? Have a nice time It's so strange How can she has splitting image of Jin-sook The dive in Seoul rocks! This is the best place in Seoul And it's not a dive we call it Café Du Seoul Café? Don't ignore me No, Café means 'a place to drink coffee' Wow, my sweetheart is such a genius! May I take your order? It's all written like alphabetic Bring me a cold coffee Iced coffee? - No, I want cold coffee - Yes, iced coffee No, I said I want cold coffee with ice! - Cold one, please - Take it back! She an uppity little one Why does she change my order as she pleases? Maybe she hasn't got any cold coffee Why would you say that? Maybe she got it from another café Miss, I didn't order this one You can get the free addition for one drink in Seoul Really? - It's a baby - Baby coffee - Damn, it's too sweet - You're sweeter Too sweet, that bitch! Fuck, too bitter She it too strong Too bitter You are this close to being in big trouble It's not broken, isn't it? Penis is not broken, just torn Only ignorant gangsters talk like that It's not correct Yes... Well... but I... You wondering about these? We have to remove unnecessary obstacle Let's count 2, 6, 8, 10... You put in so many! Nobody uses these cheap balls these days It causes so many side effects Yes... If you want, I'll exchange it with high-grade balls Do you wanna try? No, it' better to remove all them OK, so to protect there... You have to wear this for a while You want me to put on it for you? You will be dazed and we can do gangbangs And I'll traffic you to island with high price Weren't you cold? Who are you? Why am I naked? Do you know who I am? That is... Don't you know what I mean? You can't remember? Yesterday, in the parking lot... Parking lot? What did you do to me there? No, no, you were unconscious and I don't know where you live so... Oh no, so you kidnapped me to here? No, no, It's not like that... So you did it? Huh? I'm gonna kill you! I didn't do anything My god, that's so ugly! I really didn't do anything! Don't move or I'll kill you Where are my clothes? Give them to me! Quick! Are you OK? You always do your best to plant trees inside and outside You don't need to plant trees just on Arbor Day We can do it anytime I'm a bare mountain That slut OK, I'll make you as a jungle Good morning, boss Let' me see... Was she good? Nothing happened Are you shy, boss? I said nothing happened! Really? How could it be possible? Anyway, do you remember my ex-girl friend Jin-sook? - The wavy hair girl? - Yes, yes Of course I remember Is she very similar to Jin-sook? - Yes, you're right - Yes... So you turned up your penis all night and that's why it became... What do you mean, bitch? Turn up your trousers, fool! Yes And you... - come here - Yes Look, your fly is open I'll do it You cannot do that - Well... how are you? - Who are you? We are social workers from Sharing Love... So what? Yes, we help needy neighbors and share our love... So you mean that you blackmail our money to help needy neighbors? No, I just try to establish a healthy contribution culture... It means blackmailing Motherfucker! You have any idea where you are? Jong-myun! Boss, life is so hard We have to grow their spirit of independence Hey, idiot, you don't even watch the news? Dr. Hwang Ki-sun wins a Nobel prize Because he's succeed in copying human... Shit! - Hey! - Yes, Boss What do you mean? Sorry, I'm so upset Come here Yes... One million won! It's my name card Call me anytime, please We can talk about establishing a healthy contribution culture - Jang? - Yes What kind of Jang? I'm an Ick-san Jang Wow, me too! I belong to the Chung-jungkong Jang clan Which clan are you? - Me? White tiger - White tiger? Why, you wanna join us? Are you good with tools? Thank you so much Good bye Glad to see you All Jangs have handsome faces - Jin-kyung! - Hello What happened to you last night? I was shocked! Look, I'm so fine What do you mean? We have to arrest them immediately I heard that they smuggled in Philopon to make funds I'll get them all at a proper time - I'm so sorry - That's OK Sir, it's a CCTV tape from the hotel - Of the parking lot? - Yes Get ready for this, fucker! You hurt, huh? Raise your chin up, motherfucker I said raise your chin! It's too high, son of a bitch! Are you hurt, fucker? What the hell are you doing? Stop fucking around He doesn't do anything For our family I have to try constantly to protect our family So why you don't protect the family at night? What do you mean? Why don't you make a baby for the family? Shut up Stop round on me, you bitch! It hurts, Let me go! Are you crazy? Do you forget already? I'm your wife now but I was the boss of Buldyo high school Don't pick on me Mother is waiting for you Move quickly What a shame! - Did you call to Seoul? - Yes, mom What did they say? Well... In-jae refused every woman who met on blind date What? You all go up to Seoul right now and find his bride until next month! Yes, mom Until my 60th birthday anniversary! Hello? Young-mi? It's me, Seok-jae The man who bought you a cell phone Yes, yes, right I'll go to Seoul today You wanna meet me? You want some present? What? What dung? Louis Vuidung? You want me to buy dung? It hurt, bitch Ah... it's the brand of bag? OK, let me call you back I said it hurts! Westerners are so strange Dung? It's so dirty I wanna present, too You? It's bullshit! You buy Louis Vuitton for another girl! Why not me? You hookers are totally different from normal citizens You are a conscienceless bitch Seok-jae! I'll squeal on your womanizing to your wife! You're hot-tempered I'll buy your dung at Seoul, OK? Really? So how about...? You cling to breasts all day Are you a calf? We are in hurry, hurry up! Can I finish my work first? You can do it in Seoul What's the hurry? He's give positive aid to everything Keeping today's sex Keep Who is it? I was in a sweet dream Hello Hello - May I come in? - Sure, but it's... Bravo! I'm so sorry I didn't know you saved me My pleasure, it's nothing... I owe you my life Don't mention it... But I don't even know your name... You wanna know? Yes... My name is... My name is... Bro - What? - You dreamt about me? You dream? - Seok-jae? - Yes, it's me What bring you here? What do you think? Mom sent us But why? She ordered us to find your bride by next month Or she'll bring any woman to your wedding hall Why is she nagging me again I don't know but I took the order I have to bring you and your bride to Yeo-soo Don't care about it I'll handle it Anyway let's go for a drink That's very nice but I'm so busy today I have to buy some dung and a plant tree Kyung-jae, let's go He has to sleep more Good bye So take care It's unlocked I have no laundry Hello What bring you here? - It's yours - Yes... I'm sorry, I didn't know you saved me I can never thank you enough So... good bye - Can you give me a name card? - Sure You run a social work organization? That's very nice Can you give me your name card, too? Sorry, I don't I'll call you tomorrow Can you give me your name? Jink-yung, Kim Jinkyung Jong-myun? Do you have the business card for Sharing Love something? Yes, get their phone until tomorrow morning, OK? Are you eating? Are you blind, Jong-myun? I'm sorry - How about it? - I've done your order Good job What's this noise? You scumbag I'll throw your teeth all. Up your chin. You don't know me? Are you totally insane? Don't hit me How dare you blackmail gangster? I didn't do that! Shut up! Who made you do that? Huh? I'm just trying to help needy neighbor Sissies ride the high horse recently You idiot! Hey! What are you doing? You ordered Jong-myun to get them Bro, I know it's hard times these days but how dare he blackmail a gangster? Hey, I just said 'Get their pone' Not 'Get them'! You stone head! - I'm sorry, Boss - Idiot! What's the purpose of your head? What can I do with my head? Just use it to keep your balance Of course, you cannot buy it anywhere else Wait, hold on, OK? This is Sharing Love Kim Jin-kyung? Ya, hang up... hold on, please Call from Kim Jinkyung Jin-kyung? Hello What? Dinner? You fixed all? Yes, I placated them and gave some payoff And talked about coalition matter - Good - Thank you - How about business card? - Here it is Why do you wanna run a social work organization? It's not a match with us If you wanna do that, change the name Sharing Love? It's corny, isn't it? Yes, we like 'Making Love' - not 'Sharing Love' - Sure, sure Do you have any idea? Of course I have How about make it in English? For example? It's social work organization and social means MC in English, right? Y... yes And work means business in English so you can call it a 'MC business' You study English so hard! Did you go to academy? But it's too difficult Yes, we're not good at English Korean is better It's your problem I study hard these days Do you know what an orange is called in English? Orange? I know it... Orange... Orange... It's... It's on the tip of my tongue Orange, orange... Hey, Jon-myun You can tell me instead of me Jong-myun, do you know it? How can I know it - You don't know me yet? - Why are you yelling at me? Bitch! I forget again because he yelled So tell me what is it? You all idiots It's Delmonte! Right, Delmont! I only remembered Del Maybe there's an eraser in my head So get it out, fool What a pity I almost remembered - Seok-jae - Yes, bro What is Sunkist in English? Why you didn't tell you saved me? I'm OK if you are safe Daesu, I have a question about your business Sharing Love Can you tell me about it? Well... we establish a healthy contribution culture and help needy neighbor... and... It's a greatjob But I don't know what you do yet Me? I'm an... official Ah, you serve your country So what were you doing at the hotel? Well, I had something to return... If you have problem again, call me I'll give you a new name card Jang In-jae? The name is changed It was Daesu in old one Daesu Jang In-jae It's my alias Wow, you have an alias? I'll do it for you Where did you go? I'm waiting for you Why? What's that? I prepared this for your wedding Watch carefully and pick one I'm OK, you pick one I don't need it I'm already married I'm seeing someone So don't do that again You have girlfriend? I had dinner with her Wow, my brother finally get a tree to plant? Is she beautiful? She's beautiful, and a public official Public official? That's nice Mom always wanted a smart daughter in law Well, your wife is an ignorant person Son of bitch! I know that Someone's here Open the door What did you say? It's a letter massage Who? That... hey, let letter massage come in Where are you going? You two are fool brothers What is it? It's smuggled goods from China 'Breast cream' Breast cream? What's that? You haven't heard of it? It makes woman's boobs get bigger Wow, that's amazing Hey, you want one? What? You've got to be kidding Or two? Hyo-suck, you want some? I don't need it What are you doing? Ah, I'm working What? You look like you're trying to cover something up I have nothing to hide That's not true You can't avoid my intuition What's this? What? What are you doing? Let me see I got it! I'm very good at collecting evidence Jang In-jae, Sharing Love You didn't have dinner with me because of him? Stop it, it's not funny You're evading a statement now You're asking a leading question Well, are you free tonight? I'm sorry, today is tough Are you going to meet that guy? It seems like a personal relationship Let's drop it, OK? Get out, please You have the right to refuse to answer questions OK, let's stop here She's strange Hello Yes, Jin-kyung OK, sure See you later Look at you You're smiling from ear to ear He's totally falling in love Yes You already sleep with her? Who knows? Their love will be matured Tell us honestly, bro Did you sleep with her? I can't even hold her hand yet What? Even hand? What the hell...? Why didn't you do anything? When you meet a girl Your rhythm is the most important thing only my rhythm I feel heavy I did it only in my mind Boss, I have... I have good idea The theater is the best place to kiss a girl, Boss If you choose a horror movie all you have to do is just sit down Shit! - Don't say anything from now on - Yes, boss I brought burning shame on myself So why did you believe me, boss What's wrong? What's this? It's inferior crap! Damn it... In-jae? What, now? I'm about to go out OK, I'm right there If you wanna feel her boobs, a motorcycle is the best Because she cannot help holding you tight - Jin-kyung, Hold tight! - W... wait! Seok-jae, thank you It's working, isn't it? That's why I said I'm expert about erotic love Give me another chance How about going to a theme park? Riding the rollercoaster... - Jong-myun - Isn't it good? - Shut up - Yes, boss Jong-myun? In-jae? Maybe you're busy, now Today was so great Actually I have something to tell you I can't hide it anymore I'm a prosecutor in charge of crimes of violence My job is arresting gangsters It doesn't match me - Jong-myun - Yes, boss - Give me a cigarette - What? Please, kill me Keep that idiot in the house, please He's useless to your life This son of a bitch made my brother take up smoking Hey, give me an axe quickly Mother Fucker, you wanted to beat us? Did you think we're a kind of drum? Anyway I want to investigate your organization Hold his leg! Stop it You don't need to do that Bro, this sucker turned on our followers You have to set a good example So let's fuck him up! He has no charge His boss made him to do that - I feel so heavy! - I'm gonna go nuts! It's your lucky day Go and buy a lottery ticket - What's your name? - Kwang-ki - Kwang-ki? Is your family name Kwang? - Jo Kwang-ki I know, I know Jo Kwang-ki Go and tell your boss If he leaves me alone I'll leave him alone, too What did he say? If I leave him alone, he'll leave me alone, too? - Yes - You scumbag! Did I tell you to go and be their messenger? No Don't answer back, fucker So now you stand on their side? If you make a mistake one more time I'll take off your hand, OK? I captured the movement of the Axe Last night Yun Do-sick failed to get the Aquus night club The Aquus night club? Yes, there's white tiger who coming up from Yeo-soo That night club belongs to them Maybe they wanna enter into Seoul White tiger? Can you make me a genealogy of the White tigers? Sure Why they didn't stay at Yeo-soo and they came up to Seoul for what? We'll arrest both Axe and White tiger this time Don't hesitate, you've got to get information about them as quickly as you can ok about them as quickly as you can ok our meeting's over Jin-kyung, let's eat something How about cold soup? I used to skip over breakfast Well, how about dinner? I know a great restaurant where they cook chickens fed with lacquer plants I'm allergic to lacquer So how about spicy chicken? There's my favorite house in Jong-ro 3th I have a reservation to eat Chicken soup You were surprised No, no People look on female prosecutor with a jaundiced eye Why? They think we are spiteful Well, I'm little tough actually Of course they have to be tough I have no secret now How about you? Mr. Bong? Markes de Riscal... it's a perfect wine for romantic guy like me What do you think? It's good Anyway, you have something to tell me? Ah, that is... Why do you hesitate? Here's your dessert, sir - Jin-kyung, will you marry me? - What? I've been watching you for 3 years I was thinking a lot You deserve to get me Well, wait a second Where is the rest room? Follow me, please What? Is he a fool? I never go out with him In-jae? I have dinner with a colleague In-jae, Are you drunk? What, you're going to come here? I always miss you so much But you're not as close as you in my mind Looking at worn out picture of you Excuse me, did you see the guy? - Maybe he's gone because he's in shock - What? You refused his proposal I always miss you Where did you go? I see you in my tear Come back to me, please What the... Come back to me Please come back to me I'm always thinking of you You can't avoid my ardent love Please come back to me I always miss you Where did you go? I see you in my tear Come back to me, please You had one too many No, I didn't drink too much Can we talk? OK, let's get out of here You can't avoid my ardent love Please come back to me What's wrong with you? It's the first time I see you drunk Actually, today is my birthday so... What? Why didn't you tell me? I usually drink alone Wait here Happy birthday There's something you have to know about me - Actually, I'm... - I'll get it as time goes by No, it's too late... What you did and Who you met it's not important for me I really don't care if you can stay with me from now I'm relieved at what you said There was a dark age in my life I understand But it makes you like you It's impossible you were a gangster So you are enough for me Happy birthday - You're still working? - Yes, what is it? White tiger's genealogy Give me That's OK, give me - How are you? - Fine, and you? Hello Here you are I was sorry yesterday But I... White tiger What the hell is it? You're kidding me? I don't have time to that You can believe what you see Jang In-jae is a fucking gangster That oily, hooknose fucking gangster It's impossible I cannot believe this picture It's a different person with the same name It's ridiculous I know him very well Jin-kyung, are you an idiot? That motherfucker is lying to you No, he saved my life when I met Axe's boss, Do-sick He saved me Anyway never meet him again He certainly has a plot in mind Take care, boss Take care - Take care, boss - OK Do not loaf on the job in the office! - Jin-kyung - In-jae You didn't answer the phone all day What's wrong? Nothing, just because I was so busy today Why didn't you call me I worried I'm sorry I've been in jail for over a year. Neither my family in Paraguay nor the consulate knows about it. They should be informed because I was wrongly accused. The situation in Brazil is really bad. And the prisoner's situation is the worst of all. How can a prisoner be rehabilitated? How do they expect this country to be less violent? Treating prisoners the way they do? They're not gonna feel good when they leave jail. They'll probably mug and kill more and more. Take me, for example. I'm in jail after I've done my time. I'm still in custody. This is crazy! Nothing works in this country. They only care about the elections. Reality is really sad. What you see ain't a third of it. The things we go through here, what we have to go through here, it's really like hell. We would be better off dead than in here. That is the truth. It's better to be dead than to be in jail. This ain't gonna do any good... When they've been arrested before, they are more violent. It's harder to make them surrender because they know what jail is like. Hey, this is because you're not getting it. This is because you're trying to be a hero. You're trying to be a smart-ass and you have no respect for the life of a citizen. This is because you're letting a pretty girl like her die. This is because if you were smart, none of this would happen. Let's count together! Count to seven. During the whole time, it looked like he was angrier with her. She lied to Sandro. She told him a lie, that she had a brother in prison. Sandro found out it was a lie. This must have caused the opposite effect of the Stockholm Syndrome. He lost trust in her. It seemed that if anyone had to die, it would be Geisa. On the bus she said that Damiana was her mother. I read Damiana's diaries and found out that she told him her brother had been in prison, or was still in prison. He asked: "Where is your brother being held?" Geisa didn't know what to say. In fact, she knew everything about my uncle's life. But my uncle never stayed in one prison for long. That's why Geisa didn't know how to answer. I was sitting down the whole time during the incident. Then he grabbed me and yelled to the cops: "Look how pretty this one is! If you don't like the other one, look at her." He showed me off at the window for everyone to see. He stayed with me at the back window, pointing the gun at my forehead for everyone to see. He told us to cry. He told us to make things seem more dramatic than they really were. There was a conversation going on inside the bus, but he didn't want people to notice. I didn't really believe that he would shoot me. But, eventually, I actually started to believe it. The fine line between pretence and reality was broken. And I believed he would kill me right there. Then I leaned against him and took hold of his arm. I asked him not to kill me. When I realised he might kill me, I begged. He got annoyed and said: "Shut up or I'll really kill you! So I looked at him and said: "Well, don't you want me to pretend?" Then he looked at me and I think he realised that there was some ambiguity in what he was doing. Either he wanted us to put on an act or he really wanted to kill us. And then it seemed to me that he felt bad about it. He felt bad about the fact that I was asking him to comfort me, he who was willing to kill me, or pretending he would. I didn't know if he was pretending or not, but even if he was pretending, an unexpected move could make the gun go off. So even if it wasn't his intention to shoot me, it could happen. Geisa was very scared. She couldn't even stand up. Then she sat down and I said: "Geisa, he won't kill you. He won't kill you." She said: "He's gonna kill me!" I said: "He won't." But she was still petrified. I made her lean her head on my shoulder and hugged her. I was trying to soothe her. She seemed to calm down a little. I told them that they should make an effort to get closer to him. "Be his friend, you have to be his friend." I think the girl with the glasses understood it. It seemed that she was doing stuff to create a bond between her and him, which was what we wanted. Since we weren't really making contact with him we made sure that the hostages did. I spoke to her, I talked to her and told her this: "You have to be calm." "You have to make him feel that everything is fine." At one stage when things were calmer, I said to him: "You must really like your sister. What's she like?" "She has long hair, a little shorter than yours." So I was trying to establish a friendly atmosphere, as if we weren't there. As if that conversation was taking place elsewhere. I was trying to take his mind off the situation, the feeling of being trapped. I was trying to show that I cared about him, in some way, not only because I was scared of what he might do to me, but as a human being. I don't know what led him to do that, to be who he was. Now I think: "He was 21 or 22 years old, the same age I am now." At the time I was 19. He had lived as long as I have. What could have been happening inside his head? What happened that led him to do that, to be the person he was? BOA VISTA RIO DE JANEIRO "O Fluminense" newspaper, March 27, 1988 The tragedy shocked the residents of Boa Vista. Clarice was five months pregnant. She was a cheerful, good-natured woman much admired by her customers and loved by children. The victim left a trail of blood, from the counter to the street. She fell out of the door and dragged herself onto the street, screaming for help that never came. I can only imagine what it was like for Sandro to see those three guys attacking his mother, stabbing her. I think he stayed by her side during the whole ordeal. He saw the knife in my sister's back. I'm sure he did. My sister came rolling from the kitchen to the bar. She fell onto her back, it pushed the knife in deeper. He saw it all. He only called me after she was already lying on the floor. He said: "Auntie, come and help Mom. She's hurt". Incident report the body was found on the street in front of the victim's shop. A kitchen knife with a wooden handle was in the victim's back, at the right shoulder. The baby stirred in her belly. I thought she was alive because the baby was moving a lot. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen. I don't know. The baby moved so I asked people to take her to a doctor. But she was dead. We were talking as if we were friends. Then Gloria, who was near us, asked me, at that moment, to put around his neck a chain with an image of the Virgin Mary. Then I asked him: "Do you believe in the Virgin Mary?" That was the saint in the pendant. "No, I only believe in God." Then, I asked him: "Do you know who's the greatest victim in this bus? Of this incident?" He stopped and stared at the floor, thinking about it. Then, I said: "You." He thought about that. It was as if he had just grasped the situation. I said: "Sandro, do you want to come to mom's funeral? He took a while to answer. He went to pee and came back. I said: "Do you want to say goodbye to mommy before she goes to heaven?" "Auntie, I'm gonna play marbles." Like nothing had happened. "No, Auntie. I'm staying. I'm flying a kite." He had many excuses. "I'm flying a kite." He hadn't forgotten what had happened. He wanted to stay as far away as he could from that neighbourhood. He wanted to be far from the place where he saw everything happen. He would make a decision, then he'd change his mind, decide he didn't want to exchange the hostages. He just wanted to stay there. He said he didn't trust the cops. He said he knew they would kill him. If he didn't watch out, they'd kill him. "I'm gonna die anyway. I've got nothing to lose." When I got home that night, my mom said that Sandro had run away, she hadn't seen him all day. He went onto the streets and we never saw him again. Whatever the outcome... the hostages' chances of getting out of there unharmed were far greater than his. Dead or in jail, he was going to be worse off. I'm against what he did with that bus. I'm against what the police did too. It's all violence, right? Nothing can justify what happened. But he wasn't going to kill anyone in that bus. He was incapable of it. He never killed anyone, he never would. You see, he threatened them, but he wasn't going to kill anyone. Son of a bitch! No way they'd get me back to jail. We'd all go to hell together. I heard him say: "Let's go for a walk." I felt all the emotion, the relief that it was all over. I didn't know what was going to happen. That there was going to be shooting. I said: "Geisa, he is not going to kill you." She said: "He'll kill me!" I insisted: "He won't." If he'd wanted to kill anyone, he'd have done it in the beginning to show power. I remember Geisa crying and Sandro pointing a gun to her head. When he decided to take Geisa outside, nobody was talking to him. Not even the cops. He simply made up his mind. I was talking on the phone when I suddenly realised that he was leaving the bus. Sandro leaving the bus wasn't good for the police. Quite the opposite. A static situation should never be allowed to become mobile. If he had walked down the street with Geisa he could have been lynched, or he could have taken more hostages. We didn't expect him to leave the bus. We thought it was very unlikely, with all those guns around him. We thought he had realised that any attempt to escape would put his life in danger. At that time, there were a dozen photographers kneeling in front of me. When he got off the bus holding a terrified woman, he thought he could use her despair to convince us to let him go away. He wanted to get out onto the street with her, run away and try to escape. He was holding onto the girl, but he just wanted to get out. Negotiate with the police? What? He was out of his mind. He said he'd kill anyone who got in his way, that he wanted to get away. What could those cops do? Where would Sandro go? Would they shoot him? Would there be crossfire with many victims? He was going to give himself in. There were lots of cameras. He'd come out alive. He thought: "Who would kill me on TV?" No one. What was that policeman thinking? Sandro had his back turned, so he took advantage. But the machine gun's bolt wasn't armed. He knew that if he released the bolt, Sandro would spot him. When he was about a foot from Sandro's head, he released the bolt. Unfortunately, Sandro spotted him. He had a hostage, a gun with three bullets, and Marcelo charging him with a gun pointed to his face. What would be the normal reaction? If someone tried to shoot him, his finger was on the trigger. He should have used the hostage as shield and fired at his attacker. Even though he knew that the other cops could kill him. This was the obvious thing to do: turn around and fire at the policeman. Mancha wasn't man enough to blow the cop's head off. That movement of his head was enough to make Marcelo miss both shots. At that moment, people realised how unprepared we were. All the things we asked for, equipment, training, courses... It fell to the ground at that moment. I don't think that Marcelo received any specific orders. "When he leaves the bus, you shoot." I think it was an implicit order. What did Marcelo do? He did what he was taught. He took the initiative. Unfortunately, that day we were going to lose. He missed by an inch. They're supposed to be trained to deal with these things. We all make mistakes. But these are human lives. It's serious. Very serious. The cop came firing at him and he shot the girl. If he'd shot the police and got away, I'd have applauded him. If he'd killed two or three cops, all his friends would have applauded him. But he took the weaker option. It was the most chaotic moment, because I thought Marcelo had shot him. So I tried to grab him, to pull him towards me. Why? Because I thought his fingers spasms could pull the trigger and kill Geisa. So I jumped on him, thinking he was dead, or almost dead. But to my surprise, he wasn't dead. I pulled him up and he was alive. I leant over him and Geisa to try to get his gun in case he fired more shots. He had fired once as they were falling, and twice more when they were on the ground. When I got hold of him, he shot her. Only one cop acted at that moment, when Sandro fell to the floor and started shooting at Geisa. He was the only officer who tried to take the gun from Sandro and save the hostage's life. He's the only one who deserves any credit: Captain Batista. I knew she had been hit when I saw her. From the look in her eyes, I knew a vital organ had been hit. Son of a bitch! I only had time to take the camera off the tripod and run. Crowds came from everywhere to lynch Sandro. They wanted revenge. They wanted to take a little piece of Sandro home, as a souvenir. I knew that if I ran, no policeman would try to stop me. I first saw her when a soldier, a tall firefighter went past carrying her. I looked at him. He was much taller than me. He was strong, but he seemed to be struggling to carry her. I touched her. I touched her feet. Then I saw the blood stains. A big blood stain on her front. And when I felt her skin, it was very cold. Her eyes were turned up and I realised she was dead. They went at him to kill. The crowd was pushing the police and yelling: "Kill him! Kill him!" The guy died in front of everyone. Thousands of people watched it. The whole of Brazil saw him die. The police thought that Sandro had been hit. The blood on Sandro's head made them believe he was hit. Could this have led the police to execute him? Yes. I wouldn't bet against it. The officers told me that Sandro was extremely agitated... He was struggling, he shattered the police car's windscreen with his feet. He bit the police officers, he broke an officer's arm. They say that's why they had to suffocate him, to make him faint. As for Sandro's death, I have no opinion on the matter. I don't intend to discuss it. The crowd wanted to see a show. At the end of the show, the bad guy dies. That's common in our society. The police killed him by asphyxiation. They suffocated him. Who in that situation wouldn't kill that hijacker? As well as being a cop, a policeman is a human being, who is there watching... They too have feelings of hatred and frustration, just like other people, who are powerless to act. But policemen do have power. That's normal for them, cowardice. Cowardice is what they're good at. Just think of it. They caught him alive and killed him. You see? They love that. If they could, they'd kill everybody they arrested. But when there's people watching, they can't. The police killed Sandro's friends in Candelaria. Now, they'd finished the job. This story comes full circle. The police do the dirty work that society doesn't want to see, but that the public hopes will get done in some dark corner. Society wants to get rid of all Sandros. We want all Sandros to vanish. We don't want to face reality. We cannot bear it. His invisibility was restored by the police force. Invisibility is perfectly achieved through death. They killed him because they're used to killing. They know they won't be punished because who stands up for the Sandros? Who will stand up for the Sandros? No one. I think I have forgiven Sandro for what happened. But I know that's easy to say, because he isn't here, for me to say it to his face: "I forgive you." Can I forgive him? Yes. I can forgive him for what he did to us, but I cannot forgive him for having shot Geisa. I can't forgive him for that. Geisa was 20 years old. She had her whole life ahead of her. We were living our simple lives, the way we always did. We were quiet in our corner, happy, making plans. And it all ended in a pool of blood. Today we leave our homes uncertain if we'll be back. They left home to run some errands. And she died on the way. She died on the way. I really wanted to bury my nephew. But what would happen if I said I was Sandro's aunt? They would come after me at my house, at my work... There would be lots of reporters. I didn't want that. I dressed him in a white shirt. And I told him: "This is not what you wanted. "Your dream was to work and raise a family. "But you took the wrong path. "This isn't what I wanted for you. "But Jesus will forgive you. "God bless you. Rest in peace." 25.000 English Andy? It's Eli Wurman. I know it's been a long time. Did you get the invitation I sent you? I'm on this committee for black/white dialogue in New York... that sort of thing? Yeah. This very informal civil rights committee. We're having a benefit tomorrow night at the Palm. Trying to promote healing in the current atmosphere. Bring people together. It's just very effervescent. Good show. Not like those big spectacles. We really would. I'd love for you to see it. Great. I'll put you down for two. And bring your checkbook. Projects I believe in. Nick, hey, listen. Yeah. Trying to get back to that old New York. Oh, by the way, I'm handling publicity for this lovely little musical called "Flypaper." Show-biz people. Good. Not like those big spectacles. It's old-fashioned Broadway. I'd love you to see it. But I try not to gauge anything by how people react. 'Cause it's not the thing. Well, we're not gonna know anything for a while. So the thing to do is to, you know, just have a drink. Wait it out. That's what they do. I think the show just got so much better. They did so much good work that last week, Eli. It's a fantastic show. It's in God's hands now. Just don't worry about it anymore. Let time take care of it. - Vicki. - Hey, you. We were gonna have a quiet supper. I think it was 50-50 at best. I don't think I can slip away from this rat fuck, honey. I'm waiting for the notices. It's the party. The hand-holding. - All that blah-blah-blah. - Okay. Why don't you come by my hotel tomorrow? We'll have lunch, catch up. How does that sound? You always were too good a date for me. You go do whatever it is you do. What do you do? Oh, you don't want to know. - Let me take you to the hotel. - No. I'll get you a cab. See you tomorrow. Bye. Okay. Where's Ross? Who called? And where's Cary? Nobody good. You think Cary Launer would stick around for this shit? He snuck out when the blue swans came out. They were cygnets. Get me a Percocet and a gin. It's gonna be a long night, kiddo. Peter, I'm not asking you to slip me the review, man. Give me a temperature reading. Warm, lukewarm. Cool, medium-cool. In the old days, everyone helped each other. Listen, Peter. How about we... Okay. What? He couldn't get it. Sorry. - I can't bear waiting. - I know. What kind of publicist are you? The kind that invests in friends' shows, David. Hey, Michael. We gonna run in your column? You know who showed? We had everyone. Here. Cary Launer. Scavullo. Betty Bacall. Pat Lawford. Excuse me. Everyone. I didn't see any of these people. Look over there. Who do you see? Joe Torre. Lou Reed. Doesn't matter. Put it in. You gonna come to my benefit? This INS thing we're doing? Deportations. It's gonna be important to make a showing. - Like the old days. - More lefty choir practice. - Thanks. I think I'll pass. - Oh. How about the show? You like it? Okay. All right. Who else RS VP'd for tomorrow? - We hear from Regis? - No. Get Regis. Who, then? A few legal-aid types. An assistant from VH 1. Someone from the Morris office. You get on the phone. Get people. Get Regis and Joy to confirm. I want Regis. It's midnight, Eli. And the new, regrettably named musical comedy "Flypaper" is more like that other substance that attracts flies. I told him to change the fucking title. Three Nigerians who are being deported. They're among the casualties of a mass INS roundup who are still being detained. As for the detainees, held for 200 days, time and appeals are running out. It seems certain that unless some compromise is reached, they will be deported. The mayor, who has adamantly defended the INS positions, had this response. Leon. Tomorrow night I got this benefit for racial unity. It's great, you know? Black and white and all that? I'm on the committee. So call Ross. You're on a list. Okay? Federal authorities are deporting these young men. The city is obligated to assist the feds. This isn't about race. This is Eli. I'm having this benefit tomorrow night for these guys they're deporting at the Palm. So call Ross. You're on a list. Thank you. Hello? Hey! Cary! Where are you? Stay where you are. I'm coming. I'm coming. - Good evening, Mr. Wurman. - Thank you, Fred. Okay. Where were you? I mean, that show. Come on. What was that? Oh, come on. People who are friends produced it. So I had to help out. You know. No big deal. It's called loyalty. Something movie stars sitting in fancy cars don't know about. When are you gonna get a cellphone? I don't know. Not my style. Besides, I hear they give you tumors. How many of these you need? - I've been looking for you. - Uh-huh. I got an awkward. What's her name? This girl got herself in jail downtown. We flew back from the coast together. She's really a super girl. Uh-huh. There's a plane waiting for her at Teterboro on me. So you want me to bail her out and take her to the plane. It's Jilli Hopper. The model. She's got that show. Pussies and lasers and shit. I know who she is. Plays that girl spy. - I know. - Yeah. Oh, she looks like she's a vacuum cleaner, Cary. Jesus. I was flying back. I gave her a ride. She had some fashion shoot. We hung out. Don't you have a girlfriend? You're not supposed to be where you're not supposed to be. You don't have to do this. Why are you fighting it? Come to my benefit. Oh, please. Do you really need me? - It sounds so... - It's getting late. You come, say a few words about the Constitution, wrongful imprisonment. Or get someone else to clean up your messes when you breeze back into town. Are you blackmailing your only client? Hey, we're old men. We're doing favors for each other. Well, I favor you with a monthly check, I believe. Shalom, big boy. Because I'm too old to be going out Manhattan South for horny movie stars. We ended up in the wrong place. This girl, she gets around. She likes to play it slumming, and it bit her in the ass. Man, you know, you behave like it's 1970 and you're still living in Malibu. There may be somebody from one of the papers there. You're gonna come to my thing at the Palm. Thank you. Thank you. Two, three. Shit. - What are you here for, Eli? - They're having a raffle. I thought I'd just see if I get lucky. What's the prize? The TV starlet, maybe? You don't have that many clients anymore. I can figure it out. Better if you tell me. Who am I telling? Norris Volpe or the "New York Post"? You didn't invite me to your benefit. I like causes. Should've put me on the list. You're invited. You sit at my table next to Cary Launer. - Done deal. - He won't show. Her network has me on retainer. This thing leaks, I'm out. You take the food out of my mouth. Norris, I need the job. Please. The only reason that schmaltz works for me is you're so moth-eaten. If I fucked you, there'd be nobody from the old days for me to play with. Pervy little tabloid cocksucker. I heard that. Ms. Hopper, we need your date of birth. Yeah. Right. Ms. Hopper, I'm Jerome Eli Wurman. Took long enough. Where's the car? I stink. Since when did this town start arresting people for having fun? You tell me. Got to check everything, 'cause they go through your stuff like it's a fucking grab bag. Yeah. Well, it's all right. We don't live in a town with a morals clause. Where are you from? Georgia. Listen. You need some sleep and something in your stomach. You'll be as good as new. Believe me. Come on. It's all right. Yeah. This is why I don't come back to New York. Because I fall right on my ass every time. Yeah. I know. I just wish I had a little perfume or something. Listen. I got a good doctor. He's a quiet little pussycat. You know what I'm saying? You got any Xanax? You want Xanax from me? Let's see what I got in the drugstore. Pills, pills. Here you go. A little Xanax. Can I interest you in something like a nice cobb salad or papaya? Some matzo ball soup like my mama used to make? Hmm? Back in Georgia? Yeah. You all right? Come on. This must be fun for you. It is. I love it. Squiring a pretty girl around town. Sure. The network's being pretty nice to me, sending... What, you're the East Coast V.P. Of casting or something? Really. So, what time is your call? It's noon. If I get the 6:00 a.m. Flight, I'll make it. We're gonna take you over your hotel and get you packed and then take you on over to Teterboro, where Cary has a plane to take you back to the coast. All right? Cary. Cary Launer. You're a fucking Cary Launer lapdog? That's great. - That's just great. - Easy, now. Come on. I see. Where is he? Whoa. Oh, no, no. You don't want to do that! Please. Please, honey. Please don't do that. Just calm yourself. It's okay. It's all right. Please. Did he ask if I had something for him? No. Turn around. We're gonna go downtown. Wall Street. Excuse me? Wally, no. Don't. Turn around. Turn the fucking car around. - Just two minutes. - Turn it, Wally. He's an asshole. This is true. Oh, I hate to see people get into messes. I handled a lot of stars back in the day. I had Monty Clift. I had Mama Cass. Fat lot of good you did them. Well, all I can tell you, the clock is ticking away. Hear me? It's ticking away. Where you going, folks? Summerwear showroom. So, how long you been Cary Launer's Gotham butt boy? You'll make this quick. 'Cause I got a big day tomorrow. Okay? You got to pick up the movie star's dirty laundry? No, I got to drop it off at an airfield so it can fly back home on its own. Touch? , little fella. You know what my mama used to say? Good manners make for good memories. Bad manners make for goodbyes. Who the fuck is your mama? Harriet Beecher Stowe? Great. A literary whore. No wonder Cary likes you. It's a long way up, hmm? You don't look so great. Are you okay? I'm having a peach of a time. Aside from the blood in my urine. And you. That's kind of smart. Do you like Ecstasy? Oh, I love it. But not tonight. See, I'm being a good boy tonight. Yeah. I can tell. If you happen to know anybody here, don't say hello. That's gonna be tough. I know everyone. Not here, you don't. This will just take a second. Here goes. Oh. Hi, Jilli. Back so soon? No pagers, no cellphones. Oh, no, no. I don't believe in cellphones. They give you cancer. No pens, no money, no recording devices, wallets, or chewing gum. Oh, that's sugarless. These will be returned to you on your way out. Tell Serge I'm here, all right? Oh, he already knows. Elliot? - Hi. - Eli. I've been trying to reach you about my benefit. I didn't know you came to this place. I'm not gonna read about this, page 6 of the "Post"? Come on. That's a friend. Jilli, honey, how you doing, sweetie? Fuck you, Elliot. So you're gonna come to my thing at the Palm. We need to help these poor boys. Well, it's a terrible thing. But don't hustle me here. That's bad form. What is this place, anyway? Eli, this place is everything a bent little Southern boy like you could possibly want. Huh? Go. Look. Touch. Play. Feel. What is this place? What is the big deal? I don't know. You know who that is? That's Elliot Sharansky. He's worth billions. Oh, my God. Opium? Good nose. You were here with Cary? Oh, yeah. Oh, you must be a very bad influence. Because I know my boy, and Cary Launer never does drugs. Yeah. Maybe. He sure as shit likes to watch other people do them, right? How long has this place been here? It floats. Well, I don't know the right people, I guess. Come on, kiddo. We'll go to the Odeon for a burger and a vodka. I'll listen to you talk about your life. - We can't stay here. - I'm trying to find my thing. Go ahead. Now, I'm tempted. It's right off the boat from Myanmar. Well, in that case. - Do it. - I can't do this. Boy, you have a nice smile, kiddo. You do modeling? 'Cause my name's Eli Wurman, and I do a lot of events. Maybe if you want to drop by. My card. What is that thing you're looking for, anyway? My little toy. Oh. I need a constant distraction or I lose control. Do you believe that? Control is very important. Because without it, there's indiscretion, which is a cardinal sin. So true, Jilli. Hey, Serge. The man knows. - This is Eli. - How do you do? - Serge. - Eli. Serge. We got to talk. Mm-hmm. I love your setup here. About what happened earlier? I was fucked up. I didn't realize how bad it was. Oh, Jilli, darling. Nigerians. The INS deportees... It's too late for that. Let's just say our goodbyes. Shit. Listen, Serge. I didn't mean to. I have to come back, okay? I want to come back. Everyone's hands are tied. It's time for you to move on. No. It happens to everyone. We all have our time. Wait a second. Serge, it was a joke. I'm joking. You know me. Jilli, Jilli. Why? You know the rules. How many times do I have to tell you? Wait. Remember what you did earlier tonight? What did I do? I don't know what I did. - I don't... - Goodbye. I don't know what I did! Where's my toy? Where's my fucking toy, you bastard? This? You're too old for this. I got all you guys now. It's all right, honey. I fucking hate that guy. Yeah. All right, darling. Okay, honey. I'm gonna take care of you. I'll get you home. Get all this stuff cleaned up and settle in and get you on that plane. Here you go. There you go, darling. Come on. Come on. I got you. That's fine. You're gonna be fine. There you are. Ooh, man. There's paparazzi at the hotel. Oh, you just leave that to little old Eli. I'll take care of you there, honey. I don't want you. I want Cary. Well, you're just stuck with me, honey. Hey, Ms. Hopper! Ms. Hopper! Come on! How about a picture? Come on! Look over here! Ms. Hopper! Let's be quick. Okay, honey? So pack up, now. This is not a room. It's a vagina. And how would you know what a vagina looks like? Well... Room service. I need two Monte Cristos. One on sourdough and the other a double corona. Oh, see... one is a sandwich, and the other is a cigar. What do you want? I'd like one of them... Italian antiacids. Fizzle in the water like a science experiment. What's it called? Brioschi? Why don't you call and see? Okay. There were vigils for the deportees. Demonstrators spent the day in front of City Hall. No. Don't. Don't change the channel. Come on. You got to pack, honey. We're gonna do something here. Fuck. Cary, how fucking dare you send a fucking publicist? You know what? You know what? I have lists of all you fat, old, impotent fucks! Oh! Jeez. Maybe I'm just a cracker from down South, but... what you want to go back to hustling for? Who said I was a hustler? - Well... - No. Put down my underwear. I don't know. See... Fuck. You wouldn't want to take a nap with me, would you, honey? You know? Just crawl up on the bed here for a half-hour or so? And do what? Fuck? That a challenge? Well... I have to say. You look like someone who doesn't like to touch other people. I need it to be romantic. I can do romantic. Please. Don't. What do you and Cary do? Hmm? He likes games. Sports. Like baseball? Football? Polo? Ping-pong? Less physical, you know? More like chess. You look terrible. Are you okay? Well, you think this is what I want to do with my life? I want to spend my nights like this? He calls, I come. His slave. Everybody's looking for an out clause. But you got to do it soon. Okay, honey? 'Cause you don't look like you can take much more of this shit. I'm gonna wash my face. I'm gonna clean myself up. I can't do this with you. I'm getting out soon. I got some property in the Tidewater. And I'm gonna build me a little shack on the water. Well, it sounds good to me. You can come anytime. Oh, Jesus. These hotel room lights. I tell you. I love the country. It's nice. Pastoral. Oh, man. I look like Dracula's Uncle Morty from Kiev. Oh, man. I should be embalmed. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Sandy? Sandy? Did you get my message? It's Eli. I call you. Well, don't you call back? What kind of doctor are you? Listen. I'm definitely seeing blood in my urine now. Yeah. I don't know. I don't... Did I have too many beets? Oh, Jesus, Sandy. What are you? Man, I don't know. Maybe I had too many drugs. Did you ever think of that? Maybe it's the lights in here. Oh, shit. I don't know. Oh, it's the whole thing, Sandy. I went to Harvard. I went to Harvard Law. You should see what I got in the other room. I got a starlet in there with more drugs than I've ever seen. We could start a fucking cartel. Yeah. I know. I'll just take some Ambien. I will take some Ambien. Yes. Yes. I know. I'll get some sleep. Sandy. Oh, Sandy. You gonna come to my benefit? You coming tonight? Yes. Ahmet Ertegun, no. Paula Abdul, no. Eartha Kitt, maybe. And Kelly Klein wants to know if she can bring Tina Chow's sister. What? Time to get up. Barry called. He's not sure he's gonna be back in time. Nor is Sandy. But Calvin is coming late, maybe. And Ross Bleckner wants to bring Larry Rivers. Who RS VP'd? Did Regis? Did you get him? No. Dr. Napier is here. Sandy? Why? You seem to have called him about blood in your urine in the middle of the night. I did? Yeah. And then again, like an hour later, about your life and taking a whore to an airport. A what? I don't know. Eli, are you sure you're okay? Yeah. You got the seating chart? Wrong glasses, E. No. Don't put the Grants next to the bar. They're gonna make noise all night trying to get martinis. - What's the matter with you? - I don't know. I got to train you 24-7. All right. You work on my speech? Here's a draft. Jilli Hopper. You know, that hot model and star of the USA Network's "Assassina." Yeah. All of that... What do you think? You're no Ted Sorensen. Who's that? Your blood pressure is even a little higher than usual. What does that mean? It may have something to do with what's going on down there. Oh, you know, I got this big night tonight. I got these poor boys being persecuted. You really don't remember calling me? No. Eli, you're taking too much stuff. I know. You're right. But you give me all this stuff. What is this crap you're giving me? Oh, come on. Do you mix these things? Huh? What else? Well, I might have had some opium with some E. Would that make me see things? Gee, I don't know, Eli. What do you think? Of course you're hallucinating. Restoril, Elavil, speed, yohimbe, Zocor, Sonata. I said just take a couple of Ambien. Of course you're blacking out. This would black out the Oakland Raiders. I'm not blacking out. Come on. I just got stuff on my mind. Did you write a check for the defense fund? Who do I make it out to? The Nabante-Makabeni defense fund. These things you get involved with. These are innocent guys. You can't just go rounding people up because they're foreigners. This town used to open up. It's become a police state. Nobody cares. Nobody's doing anything about it. The Transport Worker Union says they'll strike against the B-line and Liberty Bus Lines if they don't get an acceptable offer by midnight. We hear from Cary? Yeah. He's not coming. Where do we seat Dick Holbrooke? Oh, I don't know. Next to Stephanopoulos. Wherever he is. I want you to messenger another invitation to Elliot Sharansky right away. Who? You don't know who he is? Huge money guy? Do you read anything besides "Entertainment Weekly"? - No. - Look him up. Find him. Come on. Eli. You were gonna look at my head shots today with me. Michael. I forgot. We were supposed to meet. - I'm so sorry. - That's okay. Ross, Michael is a model. - And he's an actor. Writer. - Yeah, I know. Maybe we could hook him up with some agents. You're late. They're in your office. - Who? - The committee. You agreed to some meeting in Harlem. Oh, shit. I blanked. You're doing a lot of that. Don't be such a smartass, huh? Just back me up. Don't cut me down. Jesus. I'm sorry, Michael. Come to this thing tonight. Oh, hey. Yeah. A lot of people to meet. We got Cary Launer. No, we can't have the small room. Tonight, then? Thanks, Eli. Because we agreed from the beginning that we have the main floor. What's this? Who are you talking to? Romeo at the Palm. They want to move us to the small room. - Some event for fashion week. - Oh, no. Elsa Nye wants... Oh, her? That whore. She used to work for me. I fucked her. She's always trying to... Hello, Romeo? Listen, honey. This is a special event. Hello? Hello? Romeo? Damn it! I'm on hold. What's the matter with you? Can't you be in sync with me? I don't know what direction you're going. Just call Cary. He's gonna try to get out of this thing. Death of "Assassina" star Jilli Hopper. Who'd they say died? I don't know. I'm trying to find Cary. We're late, Eli. We've got to get to Harlem. Well, we all got to get to Harlem, honey. Black people under this mayor and under this government. Taught to fear us and hate us. That's what tonight's about. Eli, don't spin out of control when we see Reverend Blunt. - It took a lot of hard work... - I'm gonna be a pussycat! Come on. Besides, all the brothers love me. Every couple years, some white folks come up here with a plan. You talk about civil liberties, the Constitution. Those are just words, man. Our children cannot move freely through the streets. They round up young black men and throw the keys away. This is a Warsaw ghetto. And it is being ignored. We agree, Reverend Blunt. And we want to do something. We want to make a beachhead. And your little tea party, your little cocktail party does that? To protest one incident? I don't think so. We will not be in attendance. Reverend. Reverend Blunt, you have a lot of charisma, sir. But you do not have a voice below 125th Street. Wouldn't it be nice if you were heard all the way down on Wall Street? What do we get out of sanctioning you? Reverend, our coalition is made up of people from the media. We have thrown in our lot with the Upper West Side Triangulation. You know what that got us? - Bupkes. - Amen. By "Upper West Side," you do mean Jewish? Where were they when we needed them? We have been fighting the mayor alone. Everybody. Everyone went establishment. So no, we do not need the laying on of sympathetic hands. We have God. We don't need friends! - What we need... - Is exposure. You need to be heard. You need to be heard below 125th Street. You need to be heard all the way from Oakland to Washington. Publicity. That's what you need. Otherwise you're just gonna be another babbling voice in the dark. Names, Reverend. You need names in order to beget power. You need names. And we can give them to you. We got the Kennedys, which begets the DNC, which begets the ACLU, which begets the "New York Times." We got artists. We got stars, Reverend Blunt. Stars. These days they're the only ones catch the light. The only ones. You come tonight, and you're gonna get me. And you're gonna get the people I know. The people I know. Yes, sir. I know everyone. Now, what is that worth to you? Sir, is that worth one night? Give me one night. I'm gonna give you recognition. So you can do something for your people instead of just howling in the dark. I came here today because of something that happened in my lifetime. I marched with Reverend King, sir. I held his hand, and we walked through the fire. Take my hand. Come on, man. Why don't you just take my hand? Mr. Wurman, I have 10 events tonight. Now, what makes yours so special? Oh, stars, Reverend. Stars. Such as? Such as Cary Launer. The movie star? The movie star. Yeah. Well, we have Jesus and Allah. I believe they are bigger names. I don't know. I think you been on the street too long. I think even them folk need a little press these days. Competition is strong. Attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. You come tonight, Reverend. You come and you make a showing. You bring people together. Our elders have prepared lunch. Would you care to join us? I'm sorry, Reverend. But I'm supposed to be meeting my sister-in-law half an hour ago. You bring your friends down tonight. We'll see if we can come together. The Jews, the stars, and all the brothers. That's called "horse racing," right? Hallelujah. Hi, Angus. Angus, I'm late. Eli, Ross called. You have to call him. I don't have to do anything. There's a policeman asking for you. Not now, Angus. Thank you. There you are. I know I'm late. Hey, you. - I'm so sorry about last night. - That's okay. That awful play? It's gonna close in a week. And now I'm late. It's okay. You're here. I'm so glad to see you. How are you, Eli? I'm good. My doctor says I have the heart of a 17-year-old. And I know you too well to believe that. Oh, it's so great to see you. You're such a tonic. In the cab over here, I was thinking, "Here I am, gonna see this person. Finally get to be straight with someone. Don't have to sidestep and all that stuff." I'm so tired of it. How you doing, honey? I'm okay. - Yeah? - Yeah. Everything strikes me as being funny these days. I know what you mean. I have something for you. Adrian wanted you to have this. It's your favorite book, isn't it? I think you gave it to him when he graduated college. You can have it, honey. Eli, please. I don't know that I have the strength to talk about my little brother, Vicki. We both miss him, Eli. Well, it's been three years, sweetie. You have to just finally... I saw you last night working the room. You looked ashen and miserable. Hustling. Well, I'm a PR guy, honey. That's what I do. I get items in papers. I suck up to celebrities. But every once in a while, I get to do something worthwhile. Like this benefit tonight. I worry about you, E. I do. What is this about, Vicki? Do you mind if we go upstairs? I don't want to melt in here. Of course. It's a nonsmoking room, Eli. Oh. Well... Why you crying, Vicki? 'Cause you're almost your brother. I'm a third of him. I came here with an absurd plan. You did? What is it? I'm a woman on a mission. Which is? Remember after his funeral? The things you said to me about all the things you wanted. Children and quiet. Oh, I don't know. Why don't you have someone in your life? Anyone, E. Why? Because everyone's alone in this town. Is that your motto? The PR man's creed. "Everyone's alone in this town"? You were going to change the world, Eli. To do what I do, you got to harden yourself. Until what? You're barely recognizable? Oh, come on. You shouldn't worry about me. I'm tough. And I came here 'cause I thought you might be ready. Ready to split? - Yes. - Oh. Yeah. Not so easy. - Yes, it is, sweetie. - No. You just forgot the route. No. You don't understand. They get you under contract, then they close the escape clauses. And the bridges. And then the tunnels. And then you're stuck. Forever. Do you think we'll ever know why your brother killed himself? Some people just get tired, honey. You know? And they quit early. - And the others survive. - Mmh. Is that what we're doing, E? We're surviving? Don't underestimate it. It's harder than it looks. You come to my benefit tonight, you'd see. You gonna come? I'll come if you want me to. I do. Remember when the three of us marched in Selma? Oh, you were this little 12-year-old. You were so brave. All that early promise. Maybe that's the reason I'm not leaving. I want to just live up to some of it. You know, I squandered whole sections of my life, Vicki. I'm just trying to... I'm trying not to dribble all of it away. Well, I have a pass. How's that work? Now, honey. What are we doing? I wish I knew. You came up from Virginia to get me. Ridiculous, isn't it? Yes. And just about... sweetest thing anyone's ever done. E? Hey. Um, honey, we're not thinking clearly. No. Maybe we are. No. Utterly clear. But... - But... - But... But you're my brother's wife. Widow. I got so much work to do before tonight. You coming? Don't worry. I'll be there. It's okay. All right, then. I don't care if police are looking to talk to me. We have a benefit. No, Ross. Listen to me. I want to know who's singing. Is it Jon Hendricks? Is it Annie Ross? Is it Bernadette Peters? I want to know by the time I get to Sandy's office, you hear? Yeah. It's a black thing. Get a black person. Oh! I'm so sorry. Hi, Rita. You mean I don't have to wait? Oh! What is it? Hanukkah? He wanted to see you. And you have several messages. Your office needs you to call A.S.A.P. I have to see you first. Get in here now. What's the matter? My cholesterol too high? What happened last night? I don't know. What do you mean? You called me at dawn screaming, "Jilli Hopper! Jilli Hopper!" I was? Well, I had a bad night. Well, it's all over the news. "TV Star O.D.'s in East Side Hotel." What do you mean? What the hell is the matter with you? You told me you were with Jilli Hopper and there were all these drugs. I don't remember. - The woman is dead, Eli. - Oh, no. She O.D.'d. Did you see her do it? I don't know. Listen, sweetie. I'm your pal. What is this? I been so tired lately. Maybe we should check you in somewhere. Shut up for a minute. I just got to think. I have to think. Oh, man. Oh, poor girl. She was just doing fine. She was sleeping. And I left. I think. You think? She's a friend. She had gotten herself into little troubles. I bailed her out of Manhattan South, and then I gave her a ride back to her hotel, Hotel D'Orsay, and I left. Look, don't be covering for Cary Launer. Oh, Cary's got nothing to do with this. Oh, yeah? I know he was screwing her. I know everything about everyone, sweetheart. He sent her to me. She had gastritis or the clap or something. I know he's your bread and butter, but he's a bad guy. I don't remember anything. I can't believe she's dead. Were you doing smack with this girl, Eli? Were you having a party? If you saw something... - I didn't see a thing. - Okay. It's the medication, Sandy. I'm just mixing all these pills. You take sleeping pills, you don't sleep. You get turned. You get turned around inside. - I'm mixing the wrong pills. - You are the wrong pill. Mr. Wurman, your assistant is on the phone. He said to tell you Jon Hendricks is confirmed. He also said Elliot Sharansky has been trying you all day. Thank you, Rita. Thank you. - Sharansky. - Yeah. Big-time society Jew. That's the one. You hitting him up for money for your African brothers? Come on. Don't say it like that. You know what's going on. The mayor goes on a roundup, hands all the colored who don't have green cards over to INS. You think that's right, Sandy? I can walk in the park without getting mugged. Yeah, right. Quality of life. I know. Whose life? How about yours, pal? You're like something out of Yellowstone. Oh, come on. I'm not an easy patient. But don't go busting my balls. It's not about being easy. It's about keeping you alive. - I'm having a bad time. - Take it easy. This is not a joke. I don't know what happened to that girl. - Take it easy. - Don't "easy" me. Come on. I don't know what I'm seeing half the time. I don't remember things. I can't sleep unless I got a gallon of pills in me. Oh, something's fucking wrong. This is not my life. This is not my life. I can't... I can't live like this. Look. Here. Take these Valium. Let's do your cystoscopy. Come on. Dr. Feelgood. Maybe it's your fucking fault I'm turning into Janis Joplin. We'll just look around and see what's what down there. I'll tell you what's down there. Missed chances and wasted times. That's what you're gonna find in my reproductive system. Maybe the keys to my car. Oh, yeah? What do you drive? She's got such a nice bedside manner, Sandy. Maybe I should marry her. You always want to marry women who hurt you? Oh, honey. What you're doing to my penis is a whole lot less horrible than most people I know do to it. I'm glad to hear that, because the next 45 seconds is gonna hurt. I don't feel so great. Last time I was in Athens, Georgia, I cried 'cause my mama and daddy lived and died. There's a girl named Victoria in Virginia. And I should've married her but my brother did. I graduated from Harvard Law fourth in my class. But I never practiced because I wanted to suck cock in Hollywood too badly. Easy now, Eli. Shh. Easy. Easy. - I didn't see. You look clean. There is some irritation I have to keep an eye on. I didn't see. I wasn't there. Be still. You're gonna fall. We're flying to fucking Morocco! It's over! The year is over! It is not over. Get in the car. You promised me a full year from the first time we fucked. Get in the car. No. It's over. Get in the car. I gave you everything you wanted. And now we're done. Get in the car! ? It's over, it's over? ? THe bad year is over? No more nasty smells! ? It's over, it's over? ? THe bad year is over? ? No more nasty smell? So, Eli, what's the skinny? Oh, not now, Michael. What are you planning on doing with "Flypaper"? The show didn't even get one good review. I know. I can't talk right now. Well, give me something. I'm on deadline. Are you okay, Eli? Okay. Here's a quote for you. Are you ready? You are... quote... a loveless urban cunt, Michael. A, uh inflamed pustule. A hemorrhoid. And even your mama knows it, which is why she is ashamed at having fucked you. But she needed the money. End quote. Okay. Jon Hendricks' manager needs you to call him. Elliot Sharansky will see you at his office at 5:00. He says he has a big donation for your cause. I want you to get me a double-double espresso. Send some magnolias to Vicki at her hotel. And did Regis call? No, not yet. What do I have to do to get you to actually do some work around here? Do you need an assistant? I can get you one. Cary's in your office. Hmm. Protests and vigils are planned for... Hey, pal. Where you been? Refusal to hear the case. At a protest earlier, several black leaders were arrested, including the Reverend Lyle Blunt of the Harlem force. We have a mayor on a political mission to deprive the black man of his God-given rights! So, what do you think of him? False prophet. Probably. So you heard about Jilli Hopper. Yeah. I don't know what this world's become. It's like a high-speed trash heap. Well, she was clearly headed for trouble. Eli, I have Regis. Okay. Oh. Hi, Rege. How you doing? Are you gonna come to my thing tonight? Oh, well, we got everybody. We got, uh, Mailer and Hamill. Lee Grant. Cyndi Lauper. John and Joan Dunne. The list goes on and on. Great, Rege. Great! I love you. Oh, thank you so much. Bye. Well, there you have it. Dr. Publicity in action. What the hell went on last night? I don't know. I don't know. Kind of blurry. She give you anything for me? No. Okay. Well... 75 G's. That's a year's severance. You're firing me, Cary? Again? Well, here's the thing. There's some talk. People have approached me. Some smart people. And they think I can snatch O'Horrigan's Senate seat. You want to be a senator? I'm sorry. I didn't get much sleep. I'm overtired. Uh, okay. A Democrat, of course. One never knows with you. Hey, I'm sure it's funny. But remember this. I go back. I go back to Bobby. To Gene McCarthy. I got some credibility here, man. Oh, Cary. You are not seriously contemplating this. What are you gonna do? Drive around and kiss babies? Come on, man. You're used to a private jet. A suite at the Carlyle. You live in a fucking hotel, man. I don't have to kiss anybody. I can go on "Nightline" and "Larry King" because of who I am. Well, if you're really serious about this... If you're seriously thinking of doing this thing, then you're gonna need me. Why would you drop me now? Listen, if I'm really serious about this, I'm gonna need young and energetic people around me. So you can suck them dry. I introduced you to the Panthers. You never met a black man till I took you to Lenox Lounge. You're off the picture. I'm just here to say goodbye. A girl who had it all. Rhodes scholar, TV star. I think they left out "call girl." Jilli Hopper's body being removed from the D'Orsay Hotel. Nah. She wasn't a hooker. She was just an actress acting. For 30 years I picked up the pieces after you. Like the man at the circus who cleans up after the elephant. You're just gonna drop me now? E., listen to me. Everybody has their time. We're very good friends. Think about that. You don't want to spoil our friendship. You're supposed to be there for me tonight, man. You know this thing is important to me. Before you go, Cary, I just want to ask one question. You think if Jilli Hopper hadn't come to New York with you on your little field trip to an opium den, you think maybe, just maybe, she'd be alive today? What are you saying? Don't forget how much I know. Go on, Cary. Walk out on me. Go on. I think someone killed her. I think I saw it. How about that? Can you just see those "Post" headlines? "Starlet's Last Binge with Movie Star/Senator Lothario"? Come on, Cary. You're always gonna need someone to pick up the pieces you leave in your wake. And they have to be someone with no real center. No real soul. Someone who'll do absolutely anything and then cover it up. Because... they're loyal. And they believe in the guy. Where you gonna find someone like that? Like an Ehrlichman or a Haldeman? Come on. I'm not Nixon. I'm not so sure about that. I told people you'd be there, man. It's my name on the line! Ross? Order me a car to go to Sharansky's. There's no cars for you, E. I beg your pardon? They cut you off. You haven't paid. What do you mean I haven't paid? That's your job, asshole. More on the tragic life of a TV starlet and model. From promising lvy-League beginnings to a lonely end in a Midtown hotel. We'll have reports from Hollywood and Paris. There's cash on the desk. Take some. Pay everyone I owe, including yourself. A picture is emerging of a troubled life and her ongoing battle with substance abuse. We'll have all that and more. Stand by. Pete in the Bronx, you're on. If people from lawless, Third-World countries come here and break laws, they should be deported. Who would want to listen to this shit? Change it, please. Could you change it, please? Driver, you ever drop people off or pick them up down by Wall Street late at night? Like 12:00 midnight or 2:00 in the morning? Sometimes. Keep the change. Summer Showroom? - 47. - Thank you. Can I help you, sir? Uh... No, that's... - Eli. - Elliot. - Come on in. Nice to see you. - Nice to see you. Sit down. It means so much when people venture all the way down here. Sit down. Have some coffee. Very good coffee. Thank you. You went to college with my brother. I did. Israel. Yeah. Yeah. Izzy. He died, you know. - Yeah. - O.D.'d. So sad. Yeah, it was sad. Well, in any event, it's good to have you come down and see us so quickly. It would mean so much if you came to my benefit tonight. Elliot, it would make such a powerful statement if you were there. By the way, it was very good to see you last night. Last night? Oh. You were at the opening of "Flypaper"? Okay. Well, tell us about tonight. We're very interested. Who, if I may, is "we"? Tom Silverton. Sorry, Eli. This is Tom Silverton. We're a little group. We meet, have lunch, discuss things. Sometimes we try and make ourselves heard. Above the din. And many of us were involved in the civil rights movement. Well, you wield a great deal of influence, Elliot. If you came, it would make a difference. Who would be there with us? You mean from the black community? Well, we'd have a good cross section. Because we were wondering about Reverend Blunt. Yeah. Well, I saw him earlier today. And he has got a fabulous program. Teaching stonemasonry to the kids. I believe he referred to us as "hook-nosed Satans." He's no Reverend King. He's not even Al Sharpton. No. But he's receptive. It wouldn't be such a bad idea to open a dialogue. I think something would come of that. And you can give us assurance this is serious? I wouldn't be involved if it wasn't. My God. That's what I do. That's my life. No. I can imagine. Eli, there's gonna be a Senate race in this state very soon. - Yeah? - We need to run someone who's gonna beat this cocksucker mayor. Of course. Your client is not that person. My client? You mean Cary Launer? Yeah. He's been a no-show at many lunches here. And we've done the numbers. In the end, the mayor will tear him apart. Because of your boy. This fatuous, debauched party boy playing out a fantasy of '60s glory. He's going to lose us an absolutely vital seat in the United States Senate. I don't know. Am I missing something here? Miss Hopper give you anything last night? Perhaps something for Cary Launer? No. You know what that is? No. It's a children's toy, Eli. You attach this to it. It becomes a camera. Takes digital images you can download onto a computer and then onto the Internet. Serge gave her her toy back, not knowing what it was. She was taking pictures, Eli. Sandy? What are you doing here? They got pictures of you on there? Is that what this is? Pictures of Elliot? Cary? There are Websites for such things, Mr. Wurman. People blackmailed. Lives broken. Ruined. For money and power. The images, they... Well, they end up on the Internet. It's politics, Eli. It's just politics. We feel the images from that toy could influence Mr. Launer in his decision on whether to run. This is a good thing, how I'm trying to do this benefit. It's not about elections. Politicians come and go. It's about people who are powerless. Now, Mr. Sharansky, you have so much power. You use it wisely. I would say the same to you, my friend. Did someone kill that girl over a toy? Eli, you're not thinking clearly. We're civic leaders, Eli. Harry Gould back there is a rabbi. Tom Hiler is on the board of the ACLU. We're concerned about the political future of our state, which, by the way, is very precarious. A future which we all care very deeply about. Well, if you care, you'll be there tonight. You'll be there with Reverend Blunt. And you'll take a stand. Eli, hey. - Eli. - Who are these people? Give them the thing. If you've got the thing, give it to them. Get them to come. Jesus. Cary. Listen. You got to call me back soon. Please. Please, just call me. Eli, where are you? I'm at the Palm. I put off the cops till tomorrow afternoon. You've got to get down here. Elsa is taking over. I can't stop her. Hey, Elsa. You came. How touching. E., they bumped us to the small room. No, Romeo. No. No. Forget it. I want you to move these tables out of here right now, Romeo. Eli, you have fewer people. It's fashion week. I have "InStyle" magazine. We are not huddling in that bar mitzvah room upstairs because of your tragic causes. You used to work for me. I trained you. I screwed you. If you didn't scare me in the sack, you ain't gonna scare me now. That was a hundred years ago, big shot. You're a lot sadder now. I am a lot tougher. Tonight the Palm is mine. I'm not asking. I may be old, but I can still hurt. Now, you think about how I can hurt you. Jesus. Come on, Eli. Romeo, I want you to move her out of here. And I want you to rearrange this room. Because it's not 70 people. It's the whole goddamn world. Eli, I have fashion week. I have "InStyle." I have Cary Launer! He never shows. Look what you are. Look what you've become. Do it, Romeo. It's starting. I know. Uh, where's Jon Hendricks? He's on his way. Blunt is here. I put him in the kitchen. Why? I didn't know what else to do. He has half a dozen bodyguards. Where's Cary? He coming? His doorman says he's still at home. He ordered a Mr. Chow's takeout duck salad, an echinacea shake, and some valerian drops. Valerian drops. Jesus. I know what that means. - Just keep trying him. - Yeah. And this model kid. You know. The one I invited. Michael. - Yeah. I put him next to you. - Oh, good. - Okay. - Eli, wait a sec. - I want to say something. - Oh, not now. No. Look. I really have loved working for you. I even sort of respect you. But... Always a "but." Where you going? You gonna be an agent? No. Back to Seattle. I miss quaint and grunge and rain. Don't we all. That's a smart move, kid. Come on. I want to know who's working the door. I hate those flowers. They look like they died last Easter. George. You're here. Very good seeing you. - Good seeing you, Gay. - Hi. Hey, Ross, how are you? Ah. Welcome, Reverend. They take care of you? I have a long night. A lot of stops. - I know. - Any fun people showing up? Well, I hear Gandhi might stop by. But that might only be a rumor. Yeah, he was good in that movie. But this ain't India. Are they feeding you? Anybody working? Let's get some more shrimp. - Sharansky's arrived. - Yeah. He's in a limo out front. But he won't come in until he knows he's safe. Safe? It's always about safety with him. I'd like to know what that man is so scared of. I don't know. Maybe he's afraid Mustafa here is gonna ask him to dance. Is there a problem? This is Berger. He does security for us. No way can I let my man in this place. You can't? I don't have enough exits to make a clean retreat. You are gonna be a lot safer in there than you are in a car. You can't sit in a limo all night. Elliot, sweetheart, it's the Palm. You're not walking into a PLO training camp. Think of Jimmy Carter. Anwar Sadat. Camp David. Elliot. Let me help you. I know Jimmy Carter. Eli, believe me, you're no Jimmy Carter. We look alike. Don't know why I like you, but I do. You're the little Jew who could. Don't worry about the guns. They're just show. They always love their guns. - It's so good to see you. - How are you? Well, here we are. Okay, gentlemen. Here's the story. We don't have much time. So here's how it's gonna work. I'm gonna introduce you. Both of you. That would hardly be appropriate. You do not have the right stature. - Stature? - I agree, Mr. Sharansky. I think it's more effective if I speak first. No. We never agreed on that. Whatever the order, I go first. "B," I need to be out of here by 9:45. And "C," Cary Launer introduces us. Cary? That's a deal-breaker. He is planning on coming but not necessarily speaking. You never know with him. Not talking? Then Rev. Blunt is walking. Nada con nada equals nada. If Reverend Blunt leaves, I leave. I'm not here to be the lone schmuck on page 6 of the "Post." You can say that again. We can leave together. Guys, I have almost 200 of the most important people in this town out there, opinion makers, to honor. Just think about the cause, will you? I don't appreciate standing by the ovens. The symbolism is unpleasant. And it's hot. And I need to see Reverend Blunt's speech. - You what? - I'm sorry. I need to know we're not going to be humiliated. Now, listen. Remember why we're here, guys. Okay? Why is it always about the past, huh? What about today? Where were you when I was being thrown in the back of a paddy wagon? I was arrested because my people are experiencing a holocaust. Please, don't use that word with me! What's tonight all about? This INS thing. They've been trying to send us back to Africa for years. You think you have a copyright on tragedy? Now, look, guys... This has nothing to do with you. While you were arrested, I was quietly making phone calls - on behalf of these gentlemen. - We are on the same team. - We are allies. - He needs to see my speech. You know what, Mr. Sharansky? You can kiss my black ass. That's Nig for "tokus." Well, this is impossible. I don't know why you thought this could possibly work. It can work. Elliot, please. - Are you gonna spin me? - No. Don't spin me. I'm not. Where you going? Elliot, come on. Reverend, did you have to do that? Don't you realize how important this thing is? Why, Eli? So you can have something good you've attached yourself to? You white people and your guilt. The look you all get. "We're sorry. We love you." Eli, I like you. But you do not speak for all these people. You're a nice man. We'll go to a Knicks game sometime, huh? Elliot. Okay. Thursday. Wait. Nice to see you. - Eli. - Michael. I'm gonna get to meet Cary Launer, right? - Oh, sure, you are. - You look great. Thank you. You too. Why don't you sit at the table? Hey, Elliot. You're not leaving, are you? Hey, Cary. - How are you? - Well, I don't... God, this is great, isn't it? When did we see each other last? That dull party. - It was in Switzerland. - It was a while ago. I never heard so much whining about the deutsche mark. Now, come on. You cannot leave. - This is a charade. - Yeah. But stick around. We got a lot of catching up to do. - We do? - We never had our lunch. By the way, I read your Op-Ed piece in the "Times" last month. It was terrific. Caught a lot of flak about that. I'm sure you did. But you know what? That's the name of the game. You told it like it was. That's why we're here, isn't it? Uh, yes. I gave your piece to Arianna Huffington. She just loved it. But the trouble is, you can't win. And I can. But I need somebody smarter than me to make me look as smart as I do, and that's you. That's my thought exactly, Cary. We should have lunch. And I should fill you in on my thoughts. Elliot, please, just do this. Please. Only on one condition. I can't talk to that man back there. And only if Cary acts as a buffer. Cary, you're gonna have to introduce Blunt and Elliot. Oh, no, no. Come on. Cary, this is the last thing I will ever ask of you. E., will you look around? Do you think this is important? This is just another rat fuck. I know that. But I don't know what else to do. God, you're dumber than me. That would take a lot of work. Listen. I got enemies, Eli. Some of them are right here in this room. I can't protect you. Didn't she give you something for me? You're such an actor. Someone turns on a camera, you just got to perform. I don't know who's on that thing. But I'm not giving it to anybody. You think there's something on that little thing? - It's nothing. - Yeah. It's a movie. If that's how you want to play, I would get out of town. Go find yourself someplace safe where you can't get into any trouble. There are people moving around this I don't even know about. The big three. Right this way. Cary! Over here! Mr. Launer, big smile! Hey, Eli. Oh, not now. Please. We're gonna do a thing about Jilli Hopper's last night. Quite a performer. I hear that she kept a little black book or something. - I'm sure. - You know who was in it? Mayor Conlin. Mr. Family Values. I'm sure. They're all in there. Cardinal O'Connor. Pat Robertson. Jerry Falwell. She claims to have fucked them all. Eli. We've met before. I'm Sarah Niles. You came to my book party at Elaine's. I was just gonna... Oh, this is my boyfriend. Detective Jack Pollan. He wanted to meet you. Listen, Eli. It's a small department. Word's out that you're saying you saw something. Maybe if you saw someone do something, perhaps they saw you, too. Yeah. I don't understand. Are you giving me advice or something? It's like "The Cat in the Hat." You try to fix the mess, but you make it worse. Then you call in more cats. The wrong cats. It's life, you know? Yeah. You know, I got to go. Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar-winner Cary Launer. Thank you. This is good. This is very good. I want to say a couple of things about how important tonight is. And how important it is that we say thank you to the man who put it all together, Eli Wurman. A guy who believes in the history of the coalition and a very silent guy. A guy who knows how to make things happen. A long time ago, there was a movement in this city. People came together to be heard. Now, there are two men who, in very different ways, have never stopped marching for freedom and fighting for the cause. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Reverend Lyle Blunt and Elliot Sharansky. Hey, E. I met Cary Launer. Jeez. And you. You are the man. They love you upstairs. Cary Launer. Holy shit. He is so fucking cool. So fucking cool. He's a god. He is a god. God of death. Cary. Hey, thanks so much for bringing me here tonight. Oh. Yeah. You okay? This benefit. It's so much goddamn work. For what? You know? Yeah. The worst thing in this world, Michael, is to know too much. You want to try and stay naive. It's much better. Come on. Hi! Eli. Fantastic night. I'll never forget it. Listen, next Saturday I'm having the opening... Eli, it's great. Do you think you could get Cary for the Lincoln Center gala? Hey, it's terrific, Eli. Listen, we're having this human-rights-march dinner. You can make a comeback, bubby. Hey, E. Look. Victoria's over there waiting for you. Hey. Oh, I'm so glad you came. Me too. Let's get out of this madhouse. I'm so sorry. - No. - I really am. I'm sorry. Nobody has anything to be sorry about. Well... We're still kids, Eli. Nobody knows what to do or how to do it. It's all just lurching. - You know? - Yeah, I guess. It's working. Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess it is. And yet, darling, you look so sad. Well, no. I'm not sad. I'm happy. Can't you tell? Oh. You're gonna be okay. You know that? Okay. Why don't we just... Lurch on out of here while we still can? ? Here I go? ? Blackbird? ? Bye-bye? I don't know. It's changed, I think, this city. You feeling sorry for yourself? That's a new color for you. No. I'm just... I don't know. Maybe I just want to leave the party. Do you really mean that? E., are you ready? I'll tell you the truth. I don't think I have any more days like today left in me. I just don't. So, you go to bed early down there in Virginia? I mean, the cows and the trees and all them fresh eggs. You can have the barn to yourself. The barn, huh? Yes. It's very ascetic. And monastic. Yeah, sort of safe distance from the main house, that it? Eli, we don't have to... There are no conditions here. I know. I know. It's just friendship. Yeah. But you could come in for all your meals. I'll cook. And there's reading. Silence. Any phones in the barn? No, but I'll put one in. No, don't. Ever. You know... I got to pack some stuff. If you'll wait for me, we can take the noon train. Success. Finally. Yeah. - Okay. - Okay. Okay. Vicki. Hey, man, that hurt! Here you go. Yeah. Yes, yes. Jesus. Elmwood is really bouncing back from a period of neglect and decay. And much of it can be traced directly back to the 1930s, when the automobile started taking over. In 1936, Elmwood Avenue was widened... Everybody, thank you for being there. - I'm Bill Press. - I'm Tucker Carlson. Welcome to our special Groundhog's Day... Scattered showers. Thunderstorms tomorrow. An ugly morning front... Thank you very much, everybody. How you doing, huh? Thank you. Okay. Thank you very much, everybody. That was some event we went to last night. Our old great friend Eli Wurman, one of the great publicists, put together a fantastic night. Everybody was there. Lots of celebrities. And we were there, too. - Eli put it all together. - He has really made a mark. Remember he came to the house for the Super Bowl game? He made some chili for us. No, it wasn't the Super Bowl. It was the World Series. It was curry, and I made it. Oh, God. Oh, sorry. But seriously. Last night, wonderful. Cary Launer was there. He said he's gonna have an important announcement soon. We're giving away a cruise of the Caribbean on the Norwegian Cruise Line. So don't go away. All right. What do we have today? We have Sarah Jessica Parker. Plus Nathan Lane. Emeril Lagasse is going to show us how to make a jambalaya. And also that cute Carson Daly. All the kids love him. - Looting is the best, dude! - That TV, dude, gimme the TV! Stop it, dude, the TV's crap, they never show anything. - Get the CD player! - No way, bud, you don't understand nothin'! The player isn't worth shit. They get you later with the CD's at twenty bucks a pop. A microwave then. My old lady's always dreamed of one! Nah, dude, they make everything taste like rubber. Don't take that crap! Whaddya mean crap, dude? The mixer is essential! Essential for what? For making shakes, dude, whaddya think. Ya, dude, you are so right! Shakes! Let's split! MERCANO THE MARTIAN Check it out. What's that? Hey! Did someone arranged something for tonight? Let's go! Stop it, man, let's finish the pizza! GET CONNECTED NOW! Drop to the floor or you're dead meat! Hit it! Look, there's the guy! Stop! Let's wait here. It's dangerous! There he is! There! We got him! Let's go! He's heading for the subway! Come on, Ramirez, come on! Freeze! C'mon, Ramirez, get moving! I can't stop! I can't stop! I can't stoooooooooo... FREE INTERNET THE FIRST 10 SECONDS FULL ACCESS INTERNET ENTER YOUR CREDIT CARD INTERNET. (With the first payment we give you a free key chain! ) FREE INTERNET REALLY WISH TO CONNECT? SECOND ATTEMPT INTERNET. CONNECTING... These movies with humans are always the same! You don't understand a thing! This is B-movie! Hey, guys! Beat it, Mercano, we're watching a movie! I'm on planet Earth! And what do you want us to do? Come and get me! What are you doing there? C'mon, please... No way, dude, it's too far! But how did you get there? I was just relaxing at home and... Hello. We are from planet Earth. We mean you no harm. Cut it out! Let me finish! But what are you doing over there on the Earth? And? C'mon! After a long voyage, I entered the Earth's atmosphere. Something went wrong with my ship and it couldn't brake. And I've been here so long I can't take it anymore... Come and get me! No way, man, you'll have to bail yourself out! It's your own fault for being such a hothead! Ahhh! Was that Mercano? Whatever, let's finish watching the movie. Aw, poor little guy. And if we go and get him? And...? Yeah, truth is we could, couldn't we? Totally! Though, truth is, it doesn't seem like a good idea. That's what I said. It's really far. No! I said it first! But he's such a sweet guy! We should go and get him! Shouldn't we? T's true. Mercano is the best! He's helped me out tons of times! But the problem with Mercano is he's always getting into trouble. Wouldn't it be better not to go? What the hell died in this bag, amigo? ! The stink is killing me! Hey, look what's in here! This is the jackpot! They tossed out everything ready to eat! Check it out, Charly! This is a banquet, dude! With cheese! - With bugs! - Bud, we'll be pigging out all week, man! Hey, stop it, dude! Don't hit me! Boys, Girls? Boys, Girls? Yo, Mr. Taxi Driver! Go see a shrink! I am a shrink! Stop it, dude! Aaaahhh! Uaaaau! This is the ultimate! A Martian! Let's see, kid. Show us whatchya got! All you got, kid? You know where we're gonna stuff that clown suit? ! Stop it! Tomorrow he'll bring more stuff! Right, Slim? If he knows what's good for him, tomorrow he'll bring more stuff... right? Because it's to buy some medication for my old lady. Fatty, man, you're kind of soft, yeah, very soft. I hate school! Mom, I'm home! Milk! Oh, by the way, I flunked phys ed. But luckily I'm doing good in math. Well, I guess I'll look at stuff through my telescope. Let me see if there are any planets or stars. Oh! It's daytime! Well, I'll play with my spaceships. Oh! This is boring! I'd rather surf the net! Let's see. MARS. SEARCH. Let's see if I can find something interesting. Oh! Always the same old, same old! I'm tired of this! Let's see here... And what's this? What's going on? Why's it doing that? Scary! Julian, your snack. Hello! Woah! A Martian! Are you really a Martian or is that a virtual body you created? Both. This is my virtual body and this is how I am. I am from Mars. You guys exist! I knew it! And are you there now? I've always dreamed of going to Mars! No, I'm here on the Earth. I want to go back but I can't because my spaceship is broken. And What's your name? Mercano. And yours? Julian! And this Whole virtual word, you made it yourself? What for? Yeah. It's just that I miss my planet. I'm not having a good time here. Yeah, me too. I don't have fun on Earth either. Julian! Oh! I have to eat... What do you eat? Triglocites. ...so then she gets close to me and says: Dolores, is that you? I just couldn't believe it! The two of us bandaged up like... mummies in the same clinic. I went just to get a few little things done: My cheekbones, nose, chin... What a coincidence! I'm done! It's terrible how Julian is behaving, you know. He was so studious! Now her just spends all day playing on that computer. You have to talk with him. Are you listening to me? Yes, yes, it's just I have to spend tonight preparing... a proposal for tomorrow. One billion there, no, we have to pay the debt... And the minister said, you know, Whatever... Buenos Aires? What's happened in Buenos Aires? I don't care. Buenos Aires is bullshit. It doesn't exist. Rio de Janeiro. New York, after the two towers... The columns rising... I should see... 345.588.120 millions... The balance does not close... Good morning, gentlemen! Good morning! We are in one of the most serious periods of recession that... our corporation has ever faced. We must seek new markets. I believe we should start by redefining our objectives. Economic objectives! Can there be any doubt? Quite correct, Mr. Economics. If we are in agreement then, let's begin with the proposals. Mr. Genetics. Health is a basic necessity. In our laboratories we are... developing a new type of flu bug for next winter. Sure, people get sick and take medicines, but then they stop buying other products, and, mind you, labs only represent 2% of our business. I think we need to reduce costs by implementing... a labor policy of "automization". We can't continue with employees when we can replace them... with machines which are much more efficient. I disagree. This would aggravate the unemployment situation... and get us into trouble with the government. What government? I insist that the only thing that can save us is consumer incentives. Note: Here I have a strategy that never fails. What do you think of launching this new lolita? Just twelve years old to re-motivate our consumers! Twelve years! Incredible! That's my son's age! Excuse me, Mr. Marketing, but the main consumption product is food. Our chains are developing more profitable foods. I propose, if you agree, to increase the percentage... of worms per hamburger, or if not... Mr. Food, I beg you not to discuss our food products at this time. It's killing my appetite. Sorry. Gentlemen, it's getting late and we haven't come up with anything new. Let's think different proposals for tomorrow. Virtual Mars is really cool! And you can do anything you want with the computer? Sure. What do you want me to do? Let's see, make me... Space and all the stars! Wow! The virtual universe is fantastic! Hey there, son! What you up to? Oh... Hi, pop... Are you playing a little game? This is even better, it's a virtual world! And what's it for? It's for everything. You can walk, you can run, chat. Look, this is the inventor. His name is Mercano. He's a Martian who can't return to Mars. This business is out of this world, gentlemen! Let's go in and see what it's all about. Pity that none of us thought of this. Don't worry. It's an independent project... that hasn't even been exploited yet. Surely it need some investors. It's marvelous! Okay then, let's find Who owns this! 86... 87... 88... 89... You won't catch me! 92... 93... 94... 95... 96... 97... 98... 99... 100! Julián! Mercano! Julián! Julián! Leave the computer and do your homework. Coming, mom, coming. What an idiot! Why did I speak? Julian! Just wait and see when your father gets home and finds out... that you skipped school so as to play on the PC! This must be the place. And What's the owner's name? Unh... Mercado... - Mercado, man? - Yes, Mercado. Turn it off now or you're going a week without the computer! Good day. Mister Mercado? I am Mr. Marketing, delighted. Truly a pleasure! It's incredible. Truly marvelous. We wanted to come personally... to congratulate you on your virtual world. I am Mr. Economy Enchanté! Tell us What's your business plan? To have fun. I told you. The entertainment industry! Bull. You didn't say anything! Gentlemen, calm down! We must think coldly. Excuse me, Mr. Mercado. Are you looking for investors? Investors? Ahem... investors... that is... Ten million dollars? Ten million? That is, I mean, 100 million! 100 million? - He's a pro! - He's playing with us as if we were little children! This guy is a shark! Unh... excuse me for intruding Mr. Mercado, but... Have you ever thought would you might be able... to do with 100 million? I'm not interested. Julian! Today is your lucky day, Mr. Mercado! I believe that you will be interested to know... that we have a new offer. Show Mr. Mercado the new project. I already told you I'm not interested! We have the technology and resources to construct a ship... capable of escaping the Earth's atmosphere, crossing enormous distance in space, and in a matter of hours arriving at the fourth planet: Mars. Do we have an agreement, Mr. Mercado? A pleasure to personally meet you, Mr. Mercado. Great businessmen always know how to arrive at an agreement. Let's celebrate as we do on our planet! You know... Come on, Market. Let's have a little champagne! Here's to the first ever intergalactic alliance! Let's sign the agreements. Globalization is expanding to the universe! The "crionization" of the Martian is a success, gentlemen! Congratulations to, Mr. Genetics! Now let's commence with the cerebral mapping... to obtain the information we need. The programmers are standing by to process the information. When will we be receiving the first scans? We don't know exactly how he will react. We must be careful. This little brain will be the biggest source... of ideas our company has ever had. And the information that we need to adapt our virtual world! Our Martian palace! These Martians really know how to do business! We plan to exploit various areas that have as of yet not been... taken advantage of and to create some new "rides". And the entrance? I imagine it won't be free. Of course not. The users will be able to pick, within their economic means, the virtual body they desire. Woah! I am totally pumped! With this body I'll be picking up all the chicks! Look! There's one now... Hey... Hi... Check out those two! What geeks! The virtual world is kickin'! No way... Check out the bodies we have! Sure, cuz we didn't pay... Check it out! I am cut like Gardel! I'm not paying nobody. And if we pull off another credit card scam? Forget those nerd games! What I found is bitchin', dude! It's a text that explains how technology... is going to destroy the human race. Serious? Then let's bust up everything! No. Stop. We have to study the deal to know what's the best course of action. Study what! Trash everything! Hey, Poxi, let's do a little slam dancing! Where could Mercano be? Now everything sucks. I don't like it. It used to be great. Mercano! You can't even imagine what we could do with this! They're waiting for us in the meeting. In the Martian's cerebral map we have discovered areas that... we had never explored, containing the concepts behind... the Martian principles for tele-transportation. It's a device that allows us to send products through the web. What does this mean for our business? Now that we have a captive audience, we have to exploit the time... that people spend in front of their computers. Let's call it "The Vaporizer!" The future arrives at your home... through the sensational Vaporizer! At first I couldn't believe it was possible, but since we got the Vaporizer at home... I'm spending more time with the wife and kids! Jacket! Everything you've always dreamed can be sent to your house... with just the touch of a button... Dress! ...or just by saying so! Helmet! Happiness is at the tip of your tongue! Say it and it's yours! Ask for the sensational Vaporizer... in the next five minutess and get a 2% discount! We're waiting! Don't delay! Just click us now! THE VAPORIZER: THE INVENTION OF THE MILLENIUM. CLICK NOW! I'm pissed off, dude! This crap will get everyone sucking their thumbs... in front of those damned machines! I can't take it anymore! Let's go to Barcelona! - Beer! - What's that? This thing's the best! I told you not to buy anything else from the Corporation! Cut it out! They're cold! Let's see. Wow! Hey! Slamdance! Stop, stop! What are we doing? Can't you see we're falling into their technological trap? Hey! Come here, nerd, come on! Lights! "FOR E-TET, WITH LOVE, MERCANO." I can't believe she's always beating us! Always the same! I'm tired of this! When she gets here we'll show her who's in charge! Do you know what I was just thinking about? - Looking for Mercano! - Let's go! Although, thinking it over... OK, may be better if we don't go. We are continuing to extract data from his subconscious, principally how they live on Mars. We have discovered that technology... there is equally available to everyone. So we have decided that our company will make... the technology accessible to everyone. We should give away computers to everyone! That's it! We shall sell PC to the entire world! We will have a global, captive clientele! I'll take charge of the design. A computer, simple to use, like a kitchen appliance. Even a housewife will be able to use it. Son, you know how to repair stuff. Fix my mixer! Hotdogs! Hotdogs! We got hotdogs! Hotdogs for a dollar! And you get a free computer! COMPUTING Ma'am, ma'am! Rub here! Hey, you won a computer! Hey, dude. Pass one of here, dude! Our global strategy is a success! We have managed to control 98% of the world market! One more little slice and we eat the whole pie! There is one of our computers in every household in the world. We have managed to make a great business, and everyone... will get to live the lifestyle they've always dreamed of! Cut it out, Rino! We have to get serious now! Hey, dude! Why can't we use the computer now? I toldya! It's technology, dude, and technology is starting to take away our freedom! Check out what it says here: The industrial revolution and its consequences... have been a disaster for the human race. It has increased our lifespans... while making our lives meaningless, taking away human dignity, increasing psychological suffering and inflicting, as well, great damage to the natural world." Poxi! Are you listening to me? Give it a rest. She drank a lot of beer, dude. Where could Mercano be? Julian! Dinner's ready. We'll be dining alone. Your father is getting home late. I'm not hungry, mom. What is with you, my son, you've been this way for some time now. It's just that I had this friend and now he has disappeared. Well, don't you worry. You'll find another friend. I'll tell Isabel to bring up a little sandwich. Ok? - What's that! - It's a sandwich! Not that! One's missing! Oh! You father took it the other day to the office with him! Oh, then... the virtual world... my missing spaceship... Oh, poppa! Yikes. Poor Mercano, they must have fooled him! Ready, commando! Tele-transport me! Now everyone will know! Dude, I can't keep drinking this warm beer! Let's buy a fridge. Forget it. We don't have any dough. But we can get it from the Vaporizer! I got another credit card number through a scam on the web! No way, dude, they'll catch us! And on top of that, fridges are technology! Enough with the technology! That's the problem. The puters are technology too! Sure, but we need them... And cold beers, too! What are you saying, if it's been ten years... since we've earned anything! Hey, careful! Act like you don't know nothing cuz here comes... the big boss' kid acting like a little space captain! I have to rescue Mercano! He's my friend! Hey, boys, check this out! Unh, tell Cacho! He doesn't know him! Cacho! Cacho! The boss'kid is here. Don't kill him, he's just playing around! I've come to free the Martian. Tell me where he is or I'll disintegrate you with my raygun! Take the stairs down to the sub-basement and go left! We're almost done! We've squeezed about everything we could out of this Martian! The helmet. The shoes. The clothing. Julian. Julian. Mercano! Mercano! Julian. Take this! Mercano, what's happened to you! ? Say something! That's the last time I have a "little champagne". It's the guards! Come on, Mercano! I've got my gun, too! It's them! EXIT Well, well, little space captain! You were going to disintegrate us with your raygun? Here they are! In the Vaporizer HQ! Come quick! Mercano, bad guys there! Give up! You're surrounded! - Stop the Vaporizer! - Roger that! ITEM SELECTED: REFRIGERATOR STATUS: VAPORIZING Refrigerator, little fridge, come to me! Split! They've found us! Stop it! Stop! This is the sign we've been waiting for! This is what we must do with the technology! So, when I saw that a ship was missing, I said, "Poor Mercano, they've got him prisoner. I have to free him!", so that's what I did... That's it, dude! We have to destroy the Corporation's servers! We can get in here. One for you, one for me. I see you. I raise. I see you. - A hand you can't beat! - I'm out! We're against the machines, not the people! Up there! Those are the servers! Let's destroy them! I don't think we can get in 'cause that door is locked. Can it be opened from here? ACCESS DENIED Shit! This system is in cogol. In matter of minutes I can hack it! Tito! Tito! Tito! Are you there, Tito? - Rolo, have you seen Tito? - We don't have time! They're coming! Try to open it from here! Julian. Keep monitoring! We have to get the Martian back no matter what the cost! He is the source of our business! He can't be that important! Now that we have managed to dominate the world economy! The global village is ours! There's nothing that can stop us! To the left! Take the stairs! The servers are two flights up! Run! Run! I can't! I can't! Hurry! The guards could fall upon us any moment! Wait, wait. Hurry, hurry! They're getting to the door of the servers! Open up! C'mon! Hurry up! Hands up! VALID PASSWORD PRESS "ENTER" TO PROCEED Get this, damn machine! Freeze! Mummy! Rino, the door. Rino, the door. Rino, the door. - On the floor! On the floor! - We got 'em now! Don't believe that I'm one of those that later disappears! Dude, I hate you! The machines are evil! This is it! Mars! We can get you to Mars! I'm gonna tell my poppa to fire all of you! Boss, we got one of 'em! Idiots! That's my son! What a cute scene! What a paradox! Fathers against sons! Men against the very technology they created! Destroying the technology is suicide! Technology is the key to access a better world! It's a pity they haven't understood this! Into all of the computers we gave, I inserted a little gift of my own: A device that converts every computer into a bomb capable... of blowing up everything in a ten kilometer radius. Stop destroying the computers or I destroy the Earth! I'll destroy the Earth! I'll destroy everything! What's that light? Where is it coming from? Magic ray from heaven shines. Bringing peace. And sowing love. Hey, guys, you're here! Rough time, huh! You were starting to look human! Yes, sorry... I'm so glad you came! See man, for a little bit of Martian snatch. Hey, dude! You're crossing the line there! You can't talk that way to a lady! Goodbye, Mercado! Goodbye, little spaceman. Until our next champagne toast! All our dreams may end if the damn machine explodes! Come on! Let's save the Earth! Destroy the evil machine! Destroy the evil machine! How, how, how? Cut the cable! Cut the cable! Cut! Cut! Cut! But Which one? Which? Which? Which? - The green one! - The blue one! Green! Green! Blue! Blue! Green! Green! Green! Blue! Blue! Blue! Green, green, green green green, green! Green! IT WAS THE BLUE ONE * YOU WON'T ADMIT YOU LOVE ME * * AND SO * * HOW AM I EVER * * TO KNOW? * * YOU ALWAYS TELL ME * * PERHAPS, PERHAPS, PERHAPS * * PERHAPS * * PERHAPS * * PERHAPS * NO! YES. SHE NEVER-- SHE DID. SERIOUS PROBLEM, STEVE. TOP OF THE RANGE PROBLEM. PROBLEM NUMBER ONE. THIS IS LIKE CAPTAIN PROBLEM. THIS IS LIKE, "HOUSTON, FORGET THAT OTHER THING." IT'S ALWAYS "PROBLEM NUMBER ONE." WHY ISN'T IT EVER "PROBLEM NUMBER 27"? WHAT, TRAPPED DENTAL FLOSS? SO AT SOME POINT YOU'VE SAT DOWN, THOUGHT ABOUT ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, AND... NUMBERED THEM? WELL, WE'VE ALL HAD NIGHTS LIKE THOSE. AND YOU GOT AS FAR AS 27? CAN I JUST REMIND YOU OF YOUR SITUATION? I KNOW ABOUT MY SITUATION. THERE IS NOW NO LOCK. I KNOW. NO LOCK, STEVE. I KNOW. ON YOUR TOILET DOOR! I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM. YOU NEVER SEE THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE PROBLEM-BLIND. YOU'LL PROBABLY CARRY ON BEING HAPPY TILL THE DAY YOU DIE-- THEN YOU'LL SEE. BUT NO LOCK! I GET THAT, I DO. YOUR ACTUAL BATHROOM DOOR, TOTALLY LOCKLESS! YES, I KNOW, I WAS THERE. STEVE, YOU CAN NEVER GO TO THE TOILET AGAIN. WELL, OBVIOUSLY I SUGGESTED WE PUT IT BACK ON AGAIN. YEAH, AND SO REJOIN THE CIVILIZED WORLD. AND SHE SAID, "IT'S HARDLY WORTH IT, IS IT?" YOU PROTESTED, OF COURSE. IN THE ONLY LANGUAGE SHE UNDERSTANDS. WHICH IS? TOTAL AGREEMENT. I STILL DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM. ( sighs ) OKAY... LET'S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME. PATRICK HAS A GIRLFRIEND. YEAH? A GIRLFRIEND. YEAH, GOT THAT. PATRICK--OKAY? -- HAS A GIRLFRIEND. PATRICK, GIRLFRIEND, HE'S GOT ONE. UP TO SPEED. A GIRLFRIEND! IT'S ONLY A LOCK. ONLY A LOCK? ONLY A LOCK? WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT A LOCK? YOU NEED TO BE ENCLOSED. SECURE ALL AREAS. OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T DE-CLENCH. "DE-CLENCH"? DE-CLENCHING IS OUT OF THE QUESTION WITHOUT A LOCK. NO OFFENSE, BUT HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN DE-CLENCHED? YOU NEED SECURITY. EXACTLY. YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO SAY TO YOURSELF, "I'M SAFE. I'M ALONE. "NO ONE'S GONNA WALK IN AND LAUGH. MUMMY'S GONE TO THE SHOPS." YOU'RE SCARING ME NOW. YOU GOTTA BE REALLY QUIET IN CASE THERE'S SECRET LISTENERS. SECRET LISTENERS? THERE COULD BE SECRET LISTENERS. YOU CAN'T RULE THEM OUT. WELL, IT'S FAIRLY UNUSUAL TO RULE THEM IN. IF YOU WANT THE LOCK BACK ON THE DOOR, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER? THAT'S WHAT I'D DO IF MY GIRLFRIEND MADE AN ERROR IN HOUSEHOLD MAINTENANCE. HOUSEHOLD MAINT-- I'M SORRY? I'M SORRY, WHAT? ARE WE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE'S SOME WOMAN YOU'RE CURRENTLY SEEING AND YOU REFER TO HER AS... YOUR "GIRLFRIEND"? SO PATRICK HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. SUSAN HAS INVITED US ALL TO DINNER. RIGHT. I'LL BE THERE. PATRICK WILL BE THERE. PATRICK'S GIRLFRIEND WILL BE THERE. SO? I THOUGHT YOU AND PATRICK HAD AGREED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE ANYWAY. OF COURSE WE DID, AND IT WAS MY IDEA. I SUGGESTED WE SHOULD BOTH PURSUE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. BUT I DIDN'T MEAN SPECIFICALLY HIM. OH! CAN I BRING SOMEONE, TOO? SOMEONE? SOMEONE REAL, OR JUST A FRIEND? REAL. BUT NOT JAMES? NO, JAMES IS STILL IN GERMANY OR ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES. BUT WE ALSO AGREED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE WHILE WE WORK OUT OUR FEELINGS. OF COURSE, JAMES DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, SO I CAN BE MORE THOROUGH. SO WHO'S THIS NEW ONE? HE MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME ABOUT A MONTH AGO. GORGEOUS! HOW GORGEOUS? KNITTING PATTERN? BETTER THAN KNITTING PATTERN. SHAVING ADVERT? GAY PORN. WOW! RESULT! I LUCKED OUT ONE MORNING AND SAW HIM STANDING AT HIS WINDOW. IT WAS LIKE A COMBINATION OF FATE AND DESTINY. SO, COME ON-- TELL US EVERYTHING. HE WORKS IN PIZZA DELIVERY. WHICH JUST ANSWERS ALL YOUR PRAYERS, DOESN'T IT? MAN, MOTORBIKE, HAS OWN FOOD! RIGHT. HE'S HANDSOME, YET ROMANTIC. INSIDE, HE'S JUST A LOST LITTLE BOY. BUT ONLY I KNOW THAT, BECAUSE THERE'S A SECRET CHAMBER TO HIS HEART TO WHICH ONLY I HAVE THE KEY. AND I JUST CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT HIM. I JUST WANT TO LOOK AT HIM ALL THE TIME-- ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING TO THE MOMENT HE CLOSES HIS CURTAINS. SO, THIS, UM, RELATIONSHIP OF YOURS-- DOES IT IN ANY WAY INVOLVE, YOU KNOW, HIM? OH. WE'RE STILL KEEPING IT AT THE NOT-ACTUALLY-MET-YET LEVEL. SOMETIMES I LOOK AT HIM SITTING THERE, WAITING, AND SOMETIMES I CAN ALMOST HEAR THE TERRIBLE VOICES OF HIS INNER TORMENTS ECHOING OUT FROM THE GREAT BLACK EMPTINESS OF HIS HEART-- "I'M ALONE. NOBODY WANTS ME. "I'M A SAD, BORING LITTLE PERSON "WHO HAS TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION "EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY "JUST TO DROWN OUT THE SCREAMING CHOIRS "OF MY OWN INSANITY, AND I'LL NEVER FIND A MAN OF MY OWN!" OH, MY GOD-- DO YOU THINK HE'S GAY? "GIRLFRIEND" IS JUST A WORD, LIKE "WAITRESS" OR "MASSEURS"... OR "VALVE." IT'S A WORD YOU NEVER USE. OKAY, FAIR POINT. GENERALLY I DON'T LIKE TO USE THE WORD "GIRLFRIEND" IN CASE IT'S MISTAKEN FOR AFFECTION, BUT JENNIFER IS DIFFERENT. DIFFERENT HOW? SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME THAT MUCH. SHE EVEN SEES OTHER PEOPLE. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY EXIT STRATEGY. ISN'T THAT GREAT? YOUR DNA MUST CRY ITSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. SO, DO WE GET TO MEET HER? YEAH. SUSAN SAID I SHOULD BRING HER TO DINNER. OH, SUSAN WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA BRING JULIA. UH, NO. PROBABLY NOT. IS THERE A PROBLEM? WE HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN AGES. NO, NO, NO. NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM AT ALL. TALKIN' OF PROBLEMS, SALLY'S COMING TO THIS DINNER, ISN'T SHE? HI. COME ON IN. SO--IS SHE HERE YET? ARE THEY HERE? ARE PATRICK AND THAT WOMAN HERE? IN THE LIVING ROOM. YOU OKAY? FINE. GREAT. TERRIFIC. OKAY, THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE PROBLEM. WHEN I MEET PATRICK'S GIRLFRIEND, I'LL BE OVER-NICE. OVER-NICE? YOU'VE BEEN THERE. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. SHE'S THE GIRLFRIEND OF A BLOKE WHO'S A FRIEND OF YOURS, SO YOU'VE GOTTA PROVE YOU'RE NOT SOME KIND OF MAD DINNER-FOR-ONE GIRL WHO SECRETLY WANTS THE BLOKE FOR HERSELF. DO YOU WANT TO RUN "DINNER-FOR-ONE GIRL" PAST US? YOU KNOW HOW SOME WOMEN GO TO THE SUPERMARKET AND THEY SEE ALL THOSE LITTLE DINNER-FOR-ONES AND IT'S LIKE YOU CAN HEAR THEM CALLING-- "COME TO US, SALLY HARPER! COME JOIN US!" YEAH, I'VE NOTICED THEY DO THAT. AND IT'S ALWAYS YOUR NAME, ISN'T IT? YOU'VE GOT TO PROVE TO THIS GIRL THAT YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS OF HER, SO YOU'VE GOTTA BE REALLY, REALLY PLEASED TO MEET HER. AND YOU OVER-NICE HER. SUDDENLY YOU'RE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY, AND EVERY TIME SHE MAKES A JOKE, YOU'RE LAUGHING AWAY LIKE AN ENORMOUS AUNT AND USING WORDS LIKE "SUPER" AND "LOVELY." "OH, DON'T YOU JUST LOOK SO SUPER IN THAT DRESS?" AND "OH, DON'T YOU HAVE LOTS OF LOVELY FRECKLES?" AND "YOU'RE SO BRAVE, NOT WEARING A BRA." THE LAST ONE WASN'T THAT NICE. WELL, IT'S DINNER, SHE COULD AT LEAST WEAR UNDERWEAR. IS THAT HER? 'FRAID SO. PATRICK'S IN THE LOO. SHE'S GOT PERFECT SKIN. DEEP FRY EVERYTHING. OH, HI! SORRY. JENNIFER, THIS IS SALLY. SALLY, JENNIFER. GOOD TO MEET YOU. GOOD TO MEET YOU. LOVELY. SUPER! GREAT. ISN'T THIS SUPER? THEN THERE'LL BE THIS BIG PAUSE, AND I'LL JUST STAND THERE SMILING AWAY LIKE A NUN WITH CONCUSSION. AND I'LL JUST BE PRAYING THAT FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I DON'T SAY SOMETHING AMAZINGLY STUPID. I COULD EAT YOUR HAIR! I JUST MEAN, IT'S NICE. LOVELY HAIR. REALLY LOVELY. WELL, THANKS. OH, SORRY ABOUT THE WALKMAN. IT'S JUST SOME WORK I NEED TO FINISH. WORK? JENNIFER WORKS IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. DEADLINE TOMORROW, STILL NOT DONE. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING JOB, ISN'T IT? WELL DONE! THANK YOU. AGAIN. AND YOU'RE SO SLIM, TOO. SLIM AND INTERESTING. I'M SO PLEASED. WELL, THANKS. SLIM. SLIM-SLIMMITY-SLIM FROM SLIMTOWN, SLIMANIA! YOU'RE VERY KIND. LOOK AT YOU-- IF YOU TURNED SIDEWAYS, YOU'D DROP DEAD. THOUGH OBVIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU DON'T. ( doorbell ) OH, THANK GOD. I MEAN, I'LL JUST, UM, GET THAT. SALLY, HI. HI, PATRICK. SO, YOU TWO HAVE MET, THEN? MM-HMM. THE PROBLEM IS, WHAT DO I TELL JENNIFER ABOUT SALLY? HOW DO I MAKE IT SEEM CREDIBLE THAT I KNOW A WOMAN? YOU JUST HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT SALLY'S AN ATTRACTIVE, SINGLE FEMALE FRIEND WITH WHOM YOU HAVE AN ENTIRELY NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'VE TOLD HER. I'VE ALREADY SAID THAT. GOOD. I MEAN, I SUMMARIZED. SUMMARIZED? YEAH, I THOUGHT "LESBIAN" COVERED IT. YOU TOLD HER THAT SALLY IS A LESBIAN? ! I HINTED AT THAT, YES. HINTED? I HINTED SOMETHING IN THAT GENERAL AREA. WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SAID THAT SALLY IS THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO... IS A LESBIAN. SALLY? ! WHO'S GONNA BELIEVE SALLY'S A LESBIAN? SALLY COULD BE A LESBIAN. GEOFF, PLEASE! BIT OF EFFORT, NO PROBLEM. BUT SHE ISN'T. THAT'S THE POINT! IT COULD HAPPEN, THOUGH. SHE COULD BE... SHE COULD BE HAVIN' A SHOWER, MAYBE. AND PROBABLY JANE WOULD BE THERE. AND SHE MIGHT HAPPEN TO SAY, "JANE, COULD YOU HELP ME SOAP MY BREASTS?" "YOUR BREASTS, SALLY?" "YES, JANE, IT'S THOSE TRICKY UNDERSIDES." "OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, SALLY. "BREASTS CAN BE A REAL DIRT TRAP. LET ME GET THE SHOWER NOZZLE." YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND LOW-QUALITY LESBIAN PORN? YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. WHAT? ! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN GET UP TO ON THEIR OWN. WHY REJECT THE ONLY EVIDENCE WE HAVE? IT'S NOT EVIDENCE! IT MIGHT BE. MAYBE WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WHEN WE'RE NOT WITH THEM. MAYBE THEY'RE NOT CROSS ALL THE TIME. YOU CAN'T SAY SALLY'S A LESBIAN. YOU KNOW IT'LL GO WRONG. HOW? EXCUSE ME A MOMENT. YES, OF COURSE. WELL, I'M VERY JEALOUS. WISH I COULD GET INTO THOSE JEANS. ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ABOUT SALLY. SHE MIGHT NOT EXACTLY BE PLEASED. WELL, JENNIFER WON'T THINK ANY LESS OF HER. IT TURNS OUT THAT, UH... JENNIFER'S QUITE INTO WOMEN. YOU LUCKY BASTARD! TOO LUCKY. FAR, FAR TOO LUCKY. SO, WHERE IS HE, THEN? WHERE'S MR. PERFECT? OH, HE'LL BE HERE, DON'T YOU WORRY. ACTUALLY, I BETTER JUST GIVE HIM A RING. SO, HOW DID YOU FINALLY CRACK IT, THEN? HOW DID YOU MEET HIM? HELLO? COULD I ORDER A PIZZA, PLEASE? OH, JANE! ( doorbell ) THAT'LL BE GEOFF. WELL, REMIND HIM NOT TO FRIGHTEN JENNIFER. WHY WOULD HE FRIGHTEN HER? HE MIGHT SAY SOMETHING. WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY? STEVE, I'VE WORKED OUT HOW TO GO TO THE TOILET. I'M GOING TO YOUR LOO RIGHT NOW, AND I'M NOT A BIT SCARED. ASK ME WHY. GEOFF, PATRICK'S NEW GIRLFRIEND'S HERE. PROMISE ME YOU WON'T FRIGHTEN HER. WHY WOULD I FRIGHTEN HER? DO YOU WANNA SEE MY SECRET TOILET WEAPON? I'D LIKE THE TALL, DARK ONE, PLEASE. WITH EYES AS GREEN AS THE SEA AND TWICE AS DEEP... AND A WAY OF LOOKING AT YOU THAT MAKES THE SKY SPIN AND YOUR HEART BEAT IN YOUR CHEST LIKE A CAGED BEAST OF DESIRE. OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. I'LL HAVE A MARGARITA WITH EXTRA MUSHROOMS. ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME? YOU TALKIN' TO ME? POW! POW! POW! POW! AREA SECURE, 007. ( Walkman blasting ) ( knock at door ) WHAT'S THAT? IT'S, UH... IT'S A TOILET AID. A TOILET AID? IT HELPS ME DE-CLENCH. ( water runs in bathroom ) OH, I'LL JUST BE A MOMENT. WELL. WELL. SO, AM I TO ASSUME THAT YOU AND PATRICK HAVE SOME KIND OF OPEN RELATIONSHIP? WHY DO YOU ASK? YOU KNOW, JUST WONDERING. JUST WONDERING IF THIS OPEN RELATIONSHIP EXTENDS TO YOU SLIPPING OUT TO THE LOO FOR A QUICK FUMBLE WITH ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS? I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. YEAH, UM, I-- I THINK I DO. WELL? YOU'RE VERY DIRECT, AREN'T YOU? SORRY, SOMETIMES I DON'T BOTHER WITH THE NICETIES. UH, WELL, OKAY, YEAH-- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. PATRICK AND I DO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, AS A MATTER OF FACT. WE'RE NOT WHAT YOU'D CALL SERIOUS OR ANYTHING. I TAKE IT THAT'S OF INTEREST TO YOU? WHY SHOULD IT BE OF INTEREST TO ME? WELL, YOU ARE BEING RATHER OBVIOUS. AM I? OBVIOUS? DO YOU REALLY THINK SO? WELL, YES. NO. I AM NOT OBVIOUS. I AM NEV-- OH, GOD! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HOW COULD I BE OBVIOUS? I WAS GOING FOR REPRESSED. I'M USUALLY SO GOOD AT THAT. YEAH, I THINK YOU MAY HAVE SLIPPED A LITTLE THERE. I ALWAYS DO THIS. I ALWAYS GO COMPLETELY MAD FOR THE ONE PERSON I SHOULDN'T. WELL, IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT EARLY TO SAY COMPLETELY MAD. YES, I SUPPOSE. DAMNIT! LISTEN, WOULD IT CHEER YOU UP TO KNOW THAT PATRICK REALLY ISN'T MY TYPE? HE ISN'T? IS THAT GOOD NEWS IN ANY WAY? WELL... FAIRLY GOOD NEWS, I SUPPOSE. AND, UH, AS IT HAPPENS, I MIGHT JUST HAVE MY EYE ON ONE OF HIS FRIENDS. I DID GET THAT IMPRESSION. GOOD. BEING A BIT OBVIOUS YOURSELF. SO, DEFINITELY GOOD NEWS, THEN? REALLY QUITE GOOD NEWS, ACTUALLY. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WALKED IN AND SAW YOU LOOKING SO GORGEOUS AND YOUNG AND SLIM, WITH ALL THOSE EYES, I JUST THOUGHT... "WHAT CHANCE DO I HAVE?" EVERY CHANCE, SALLY. EVERY CHANCE. OH, JENNIFER, I COULD KISS YOU! TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE GO OUT SOME TIME NEXT WEEK? THAT WOULD BE LOVELY. WE COULD HAVE A CHAT, AND WHO KNOWS WHERE IT MIGHT ALL LEAD? WHO KNOWS? GREAT. YOU WON'T TELL PATRICK, WILL YOU? I'D DIE. TRUST ME, HE WOULD THINK IT WAS THE BIGGEST TURN-ON EVER. DO YOU REALLY THINK SO? ( indistinct conversation ) ( mouthing words ) WHAT'S WRONG? I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT I DID WITH MY WALKMAN. I THOUGHT I LEFT IT IN HERE. NO, YOU WERE WEARING IT WHEN YOU WERE SITTING ON THE LOO. YEAH, RIGHT. OF COURSE I WAS. YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? I POPPED IN. POPPED IN? I COULD SEE YOU WERE BUSY, I DIDN'T LIKE TO SAY ANYTHING. OH. RIGHT. NO LOCK, YOU SEE, ON THE DOOR. NO LOCK. RIGHT, YEAH, OF COURSE. SORRY, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A BIT EMBARRASSING FOR YOU. OH, NO, NOT AT ALL. I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING GOOD. OH, RIGHT. UH, WELL, WHEN I SAY "GOOD," UM, I SAW NOTHING... BELOW THE RIM. FINE. I THINK WE CAN LEAVE THE SUBJECT NOW, GEOFF. OF THE TOILET. YES, GEOFF, THANK YOU. SO, THE FOOD OKAY FOR EVERYONE? OH, FINE. WELL DONE. FANTASTIC. THAT PIZZA'S TAKING ITS TIME. THANK YOU, JANE. PIZZA? JANE'S INVITED HER NEW BOYFRIEND. WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER ACTUALLY MET HIM. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I BUMPED INTO HIM IN THE POST OFFICE TWO DAYS AGO. DID YOU ACTUALLY SPEAK TO HIM? I INTRODUCED MYSELF. MANAGED TO AVOID GUSHING. TOLD HIM I LIVED IN THE FLAT OPPOSITE. AND LET ME TELL YOU, GIRLS, BINOCULARS DO NOT DO THAT MAN JUSTICE. REALLY. WHICH I THINK HE WAS PLEASED TO KNOW. UM, JENNIFER. SALLY? YOU DIDN'T KNOW GEOFF WAS IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOU? WELL, NO. RIGHT. ( thinking: ) JUST WONDERING IF THIS OPEN RELATIONSHIP EXTENDS TO YOU SLIPPING OFF TO THE LOO FOR A QUICK FONDLE WITH ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? FINE. WELL, I WASN'T IN THE BATHROOM ON PURPOSE. THERE'S NO LOCK ON THE DOOR. WE GOT THAT. I'M NOT LIKE A SECRET LISTENER OR SOMETHIN'. A WHAT? YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU GO TO THE TOILET YOU ALWAYS TRY TO BE REALLY QUIET-- IT'S NOT A WIDELY-KNOWN PROBLEM, GEOFF. NOT THAT I'M SAYING THAT YOU MAKE A LOT OF NOISE. YOU'RE VERY QUIET. GEOFF! NOT THAT I'D KNOW, OF COURSE. MAYBE YOU'RE NOT. PLEASE! MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO WEAR THE WALKMAN. GEOFF, IS THERE SOMEWHERE WE CAN FIT YOU WITH AN "OFF" SWITCH? LOOK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, IT'S SUSAN'S FAULT. SHE TOOK THE LOCK OFF. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF. OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DISCUSSING YOUR BATHROOM LOCK ISSUES WITH YOUR LITTLE PALS, HAVE YOU? OF COURSE I HAVEN'T! WHY WOULD I DO THAT? NO, NO, YOU DID. Patrick. IN THE BAR, REMEMBER? YEAH, AT THE BAR, THE OTHER NIGHT. THANK YOU BOTH. NICE WORK. MEN AND TOILETS-- THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? OH, JENNIFER, I COULD KISS YOU! Steve: WE ARE MEN! THROUGHOUT HISTORY WE HAVE ALWAYS NEEDED, IN TIMES OF DIFFICULTY, TO RETREAT TO OUR CAVES. IT SO HAPPENS IN THIS MODERN AGE THAT OUR CAVES ARE FULLY PLUMBED. THE TOILET, FOR US, IS THE LAST BASTION, THE FINAL REFUGE, THE LAST FEW SQUARE FEET OF MAN-SPACE LEFT TO US! SOMEWHERE TO SIT, SOMETHING TO READ, SOMETHING TO DO, AND WHO GIVES A DAMN ABOUT THE SMELL? BECAUSE THAT, FOR US, IS HAPPINESS. BECAUSE WE ARE MEN. WE ARE DIFFERENT. WE HAVE ONLY ONE WORD FOR "SOAP." WE DO NOT OWN CANDLES. WE HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING OF ANY VALUE IN A CRAFT SHOP. WE DO NOT OWN MAGAZINES FULL OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF CELEBRITIES WITH ALL THEIR CLOTHES ON. WHEN WE HAVE CONVERSATIONS, WE ACTUALLY TAKE IT IN TURNS TO TALK! BUT WE HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT LEVEL OF EARTH-SHATTERING BOREDOM AND INHUMAN DESPAIR WHERE WE WOULD HAVE A HAIRCUT RECREATIONALLY. WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET EXCITED ABOUT REALLY, REALLY BORING THINGS, LIKE ORNAMENTS, BATH OIL, THE COUNTRYSIDE, VASES, SMALL CHURCHES. I MEAN, WE DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD'S ASS IS THE PURPOSE OF POTPOURRI! LOOKS LIKE BREAKFAST, SMELLS LIKE YOUR AUNTIE! WHY DO WE NEED THAT? SO PLEASE-- IN THIS STRANGE AND FRIGHTENING WORLD, ALLOW US ONE LAST PLACE TO CALL OUR OWN. THIS TOILET, THIS BLESSED POT, THIS FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. YOU GIRLS, YOU MAY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN GROUPS OF TWO OR MORE. YET WE DO NOT PASS COMMENT, WE DO NOT MAKE JUDGMENT. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. BUT WE MEN WILL ALWAYS WALK THE TOILET MILE ALONE. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT THE LOCK BACK ON THE TOILET DOOR, DEAR? WOULD YOU MIND? YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED. THAT'S TRUE, ACTUALLY, WOMEN ALWAYS GO IN GROUPS. LOOK AT JENNIFER AND SALLY-- IN THE LOO TOGETHER FOR AGES, AND THEY'VE ONLY JUST MET. ( Geoff snorts ) WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU NOW? HE THINKS YOU AND SALLY SPENT YOUR TIME FLIRTING AND PROBABLY ARRANGING A LESBIAN DATE. YOU HAD NO BUSINESS LISTENING! THAT IS BETWEEN SALLY AND MYSELF! SORRY, I, UM-- YOU THINK I'M GAY? WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M GAY? WELL, PATRICK TOLD ME. PATRICK? YES, SALLY? DID YOU TELL JENNIFER I'M GAY? UH, WELL, I-- I MAY- - I MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY-- BUT WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I MEAN, YOU ARE GAY. OF COURSE I'M NOT GAY! THEN IF YOU'RE NOT GAY, WHY DID YOU COME ON TO ME? SHE DID, PATRICK. SHE CAME ON TO ME LIKE BIG TIME. I DID NOT! I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT! I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP! WHY WOULD I? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? I DIDN'T! YOU SHOULDN'T BE COMING ON TO MY GIRLFRIEND. YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE LIKES. TELL US EVERYTHING. GEOFF! SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS COMPLETELY MAD ABOUT ME, AND SHE WAS PRACTICALLY IN TEARS. I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PATRICK. I WASN'T SAYING I WAS COMPLETELY MAD ABOUT YOU, YOU STUPID WOMAN, I WAS SAYING I WAS MAD ABOUT PATRICK! * AND THEN I GO AND SPOIL IT ALL * * BY SAYING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "I LOVE YOU" * * "I LOVE YOU" * * "I LOVE YOU" * SALLY! PIZZA FOR ONE. THAT'LL BE FOR ME. * THE TIME IS RIGHT * * YOUR PERFUME FILLS MY HEAD, THE STARS GET RED * * AND THOUGH THE NIGHT'S SO BLUE * * AND THEN I GO AND SPOIL IT ALL * * BY SAYING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "I LOVE YOU" * * "I LOVE YOU" * * "I LOVE YOU" * Kiss me. You been keeping your mouth shut, right? Yeah. Didn't I tell you to throw that shit out? Listen. I'm a private person. What we do is between me and you. -You still want this loving, right? -I understand. Come on. Yo, Vic! Yo, Vic! -Yo, Vic, I know you in there. -Motherfucker. -Yo, Victor, come down here! -No can, motherfucker-- -Yo, son! -I'm gonna fucking kill him. -Yo, Victor. -Harold, shut the fuck up! Harold, shut the fuck up, man! Yo, what the fuck you doing over there? Yo, you're in the wrong floor. Oh, my God. Are you up there with Donna? Are you fucking her? Fuck! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Hello. Is Sabrina there? Come here. Oh, my God. You don't know what I found out. My brother, he was-- -What the hell are you doing? -Vicki, promise you won't tell. I'm not promising shit. I'm gonna tell everybody that you were with Fat Donna, that ugly bitch! -Yeah? -Yes. -You ain't talking to nobody. -How you gonna stop me? -That's it. -Give me the phone. -I'll throw it out. -I ain't playing. -I'll throw it out. -Fuck it. Throw it out the window. -Promise! -You'll get in trouble, stupid. -You think I won't do it? -Go ahead. Throw it. -Go! -Kiss this shit goodbye. You're so stupid. How can you live with yourself? Fuck. Oh, shit! Yo, son, you fucking that fat bitch Donna? Shut up, Harold. What are you talking about? -I seen your head out that window. -You didn't see my head. I can spot your fro from anywhere, nigga. -Where the fuck are your glasses at? -Yo, you don't got them? Shut the-- Yo, what's my name, son? -Victor, nigga. -Why you trying to play me? You saw me bag how many bitches. They dimes. -No doubt. -You know that. -What kind of bitches I bag, son? -Come on, nigga. -Dimes, man. -I don't know, son. I don't know. I don't know, nigga. -"Hello?" -Hello, Sabrina. -Yeah, where was I? -"What happened?" See the short one? He's fucking Fat Donna Santiago. Are you serious? -Oh, my God. Poor girl. -Poor girl? Have you seen that girl? You're so bad. You stop it. What you waiting for, playboy? Waiting for the right moment. Waiting for the right time, man. We'll definitely get in this. Your dick ain't getting any bigger, yo. Just go! That's why I don't fuck with you. You talk so fucking loud, you have no class, man. Damn! Learn a thing or two. When you wait, shit will come to you. I think you're scared. Get out of here, man. Get the fuck out. I heard you're fucking that fat bitch Donna. -Oh, shit! -Get out of here. Who told you? -Yo, who told you that, man? -Everybody knows. Yo, Harold. Let's go right now. Fuck that. Come on. Yo, you think you even got a chance with her? Shut up, man. Is he coming this way? I think so. -Why am I here again? -Why? Because people piss and shit in Avenue D pool. -I don't like going to pools. -Why did you come? -Because you dragged me here. -I dragged you? -You did. -I didn't drag you. Yo, how you ladies doing? My name is Vic. This is my associate, Harold. Enjoying the day? Nice day in the pool. Me and my man wanna know if you wanna double-date one day. Vic. She has a boyfriend. Anyway, listen, what's your name? You're gonna ignore me now? Me and my man just want to know if you wanna chill one day. You can bring your friend. -Vic? -Yes. Do you see the wall of isolation? You're getting annoying. I'm trying to talk to her. -Are you deaf? I have a man. -I heard. I definitely heard. Let me tell you something. You ain't been with a man till you been with me. See? Got you smiling, though. Where we going? -What are you doing? -Look at that. What, my reflection? Does that look like God's gift to women? I don't think so. Oh, shit, son. -That girl got a negative attitude, man. -Who, Judy? Nah, yo. -You saw how nice I came up to her? -Maybe it's not her. Maybe it's you. You crazy? Maybe you lost your magic. You lost your magic. That's it. Look at this kid. I bet you it's not even me. -Look at this kid. -Who? He's about to approach her. See him? Oh, all right. -Oh, yeah. -Look what she does to him. Oh, shit! Oh, you seen that? You saw that? Did you? You saw that? -Did you? Did you see that? -She probably knows him, yo. -Yo, that kid's half your age. -She probably knows him. Yeah, right. You remember what you told me, yo? Remember what you told me? "I'm Victor. I'm Victor. I'm Victor. I'm Victor. I get all the hottest bitches out here. What's my name? I'm Victor." Remember that? "What's my name? Victor, Victor." Fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you. It's all right, son. At least you have Fat Donna, son. I can't take one step without them crawling up my ass today. -Think they figured it out? -That your boyfriend's bullshit? They're gonna hear you. You're not in the worst position. Those guys were not that bad. -Did the sun fry your brain? -No. Which one of y'all wanna get fucked in the doody hole? You? If either one of us gets with a guy like that, I'm gonna shoot myself. Well, I'll shoot myself too. I'll fuck you so hard your aunt is gonna feel it. Wait, wait. You're a lizard. I'm a baby bird. Yeah, I see it. It's pretty good, right? Okay. Check this out. Who's this? The guy from the pool, right? -Isn't that funny? -Least guys like you, you know? -So what? -It's not like that for all of us. You're the lucky one. You don't have to walk down the street and be hassled. Guys are dogs. We don't need that, right? Right. Grandma, I told you, it wasn't me. It was Victor. Who dropped the phone out of the window? Please tell me the truth. It's easy for you and for me. Who did that? It was Victor. It was Victor, Victor, Victor. -Well, I believe you. You sure? -I'm positive. I don't want problems with Victor. Ma, she told you she threw it? -She told you? -Don't even come with that-- Why you pointing at me for? Oh, my God. Why you be hitting me? -Shut up. -Just say it. Who drop the phone out of the window? I want to know who. -It was her! -It wasn't me! She threw it out the window. She's crazy. I'm gonna find out. Nino, come here to Grandma. Come here, baby. Come to Mama. Say the truth. Who dropped the phone out the window? Nino, it was Vicki, right? No! Look, Grandma. He's doing like that to his eye-- -You don't know nothing? -I don't know. I didn't see. -Nino, right? -No. I didn't see it. -It was Victor. Oh, my God. -Why you lie for? -What the hell--? -Sit down. She's talking. Oh, my God. What kind of kids are you? Beginning now, is no more phone in this house. No more! I'm gonna lock it up right now. I'm gonna put a lock on this phone. Only gonna be phone in the house for some emergency. That's it. Period. What if there's an emergency and you're not home? The emergencies are gonna be when I be home. Grandma, no. That's-- You're very unfair. If he's the one throwing phones out the window, I'm-- -What is that? -Shut up, liar! -Shut up. I ain't talking to you. -What is that? Give me the phone. -Take it. Take it. Take it, Ma. -Listen. Just promise me to be a good family. Do you agree with me? -Whatever. -Are we a good family again? -Yeah, yeah, Grandma. -You do, honey? Nino, I know you're a good kid. You're my baby. I don't ask the question to you. How about you, Victor? Do you promise me to be a family again? Look at me. Answer with your eyes, not with the head. Promise something to Grandma. Be good, and then the rest is gonna be good too. Supposed to be example for the family. Okay? How nice. I love it. That was beautiful. Did you like it? You do? How about you? He always try to make the family happy. Always. Promise me you're gonna be here to play the piano for Grandma. -Always. -I promise. Thank you. I love you. So, Victor, how was your day? Don't push it. What you did wasn't funny. Funny. Do you wanna talk about funny? Was it funny when you pissed on my shoes or tried to cut my hair? You know what? It don't matter, because by the end of this week you won't be able to step a foot outside without somebody laughing. You'll always be known as Fat Donna's man, and that will be funny. Yo, what the fuck you doing, man? Oh, my God. Can't you pass the ball? Yo, little man! Yo! Over here. Over here. Yo. You. Can I talk to you for a minute? -I'm trying to play a game here. -Let me talk to you. Let me ask you a question. I saw you kissing on Juicy Judy yesterday. And I wanted to ask- - Yo, nice work. What I'm saying, what's your secret? She's my sister, you asshole. My fault. I'm sorry I called your sister "juicy." -But I'm saying- - What's your name? -Carlos. You look like a dude I could talk to. I could ask favors for because we're here, man. You know? Yo, can you do me a big favor? Let me guess. You want me to hook you up with my sister. You didn't even let me talk. Can I talk? What if a person came up to you wanting to go out with your sister? My sister Vicki is ugly and fat. Nobody ain't gonna like her. -Vicki what? -What do you mean, Vicki what? -Her last name? -Vicki De La Cruz. That's her last name. My last name's Vargas. You like that one? It's better? What? Are you crazy? Do you know my sister? She's fucking retarded and fat and ugly. She's like Lucifer, man-- Carlos, you gonna play or what? All right. Fine, fine, fine. I'll hook you up. Meet me at Tompkins tomorrow. We'll be there. At the--? No. No park, man. Yo, I'm a private person. I like to keep shit, you know, on the low. You wanna go now? All right. Come on. Look at this bitch right here. Check this out. I'm a producer. Know what I'm saying? This is my star, Double Penetration. I will lay the pipe game down hard. I will fuck you in your ass. -My dick ain't all that big-- -Let me go! -Fuck off! -Fucking bitch. I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine. Wait, wait. I came to apologize for yesterday, when me and Harold were acting up in the pool. There was no need for that. I thought that was really fucked up so I took it upon myself to ask your brother to introduce us properly because we start off on the wrong foot. Cool? My name is Victor Vargas. Damn. That's what you do when people apologize? -What do you want? -Can you at least accept my apology? -Okay. Apology accepted. Happy? -Yeah. Now what? I mean, we cool, right? New beginning? Why was you acting like an asshole at the pool? I guess you wouldn't know how it feels to get nervous around certain people. Listen, if you're not busy, you wanna take a walk or talk or whatever? I'll see you later, son. I'm gonna call you tonight. What up? What up, son? This is it. This is where all the Victor love happens. What love? -Damn, it's hot. You not hot? -Yeah. I got a fan in my room. Wanna go to my room and chill? No, I'm not that hot. You at least thirsty? You want something to drink? -Yeah, that'd be nice. -All right. -I didn't ask for a beer. -Sorry, it's all I got. Yeah, right. Thank you. Who are they? My grandmother. "Papi chulo" right there, that's me, of course. That's my sister, but she's fat now. That's my brother. That's my father and my mother. My sister's father, we don't know where he's at so we don't have a picture of him, but fuck her. Well, she's better off that way. Who's that? You can't tell? The good looks run in the family. That's my grandfather. You don't even look like him. Why you trying to play me for? Of course I don't look like him right now, because I'm not posing. Well, can you pose for me, then? -Right? -No. Where's your brother? I don't know. Vicki, do you know where Victor's at? Does it look like I care? Why you so far away for? I'm fine here. Yeah, you wanna see something? This shit's hot, right? -What is it? -For privacy, girl. Do you need me to leave? It's for me and you. Come here. What's that? You wanna know? It means, "I love Judy." All right. Look, you're my new man. But I'm warning you, don't fuck with me. Go ahead, tell your little friends. Judy Gonzalez? ! -Was there any doubt? -You the fucking man. -I don't know what to say. -Congrats. -No doubt. Was there any doubt, son? -No. Ain't no doubt about that, baby. Ever since I seen you in the pool... Ever since I seen you in the pool I can't stop-- I don't eat. I don't sleep. Just give me a chance. I can't stop thinking about you. What do you think this is, some "Romeo and Juliet" shit? Think you can come up here and sweep me off my feet? Why you got an attitude for? -I don't have an attitude. -You have your attitude. -You have an attitude just like Judy. -No. So you hate all guys in general, right? -Why do you think I hate guys? -You're always with Judy. Maybe I'm not like Judy. You know you look like Julia Roberts? You know that? You got a beautiful smile. Thank you. -Take off your glasses. -What do you think this is? Do you think I'm gonna take off anything you tell me to take off? No, but I would like to see you with your glasses off. -No. -You're prettier with your glasses off. -You never even seen-- -What? I don't bite. All right. So if you take off your glasses, then I'll take off my glasses. I don't know. I don't know. All right, all right. All right. On three? All right. -You ready? -All right. One two.... Put your hands where your glasses are. Go. -All right, you got my glasses off. -Now get your hair down. What are you trying to do? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I'm gonna take my hair down for you? I don't think you're stupid. Come here. Why are you pushing me? -Come on. -If I take down my hair, will you go? Right. Yeah. I promise. Now, I promise, I promise, I promise. I promise. I promise, I promise, I promise, I promise, I promise. Put it to the front a little. Wow. You know you're mad pretty? Thank you. -So I'm gonna go now. -Okay. Before your parents wake up. Before I go, can I get a kiss on the cheek? Just one little kiss right there. Please. I promise I'll leave. -I'm leaving. Please. -All right. -You like that? You like that? -No. -I think you did. -No, I didn't. I'm gonna go, all right? I'll see you tomorrow? -No. -Have a good night. -Yo, where's Mommy? -She's with Vicki in confession. Yo, take off my shirt, bro. What the hell's wrong with you? You like that shit, right? Guess whose lips are those? -Who? -Guess. -Who, man? -Juicy Judy. -Judy Gonzalez? She was here? -Yo. Not only that, she's my girl. You like that shit? Go wash that shit. -Listen, listen, listen. -What? -What, what? -I just-- -I need help. -What are you talking about? -Like with girls. -What? Church boy wanna know about girls? Mommy's boy? -Get the fuck out-- -I'm serious. Please. You're dropping this shit on me. No. Please. All right, fine. Now, come here. Let me talk to you. First of all I don't even know what to tell you. It's like an instinct. It runs in our blood. In the "sangre". Look at Papi, how many wives he have? Like four or five. How many half-brothers we have? A lot. See what I'm saying? He's a player, man. Now, look. I'll put you out on one thing. Lick your fucking chappy-ass lips, man. Think girls will talk to you if you have chappy lips? They look like dried-up raisins. What are you doing? Not like that. Like this: Do it. Do it. Because you know why? When girls talk to you they don't look at your eyes, they look at your lips. You didn't know that, right? Turn away right now. You didn't know I was looking at your lips. Do it again. Bang. You see. Keep on doing it because girls always look-- You're not licking them. You wanna be a "papi chulo" or "papi ferro"? -"Papi chulo." -All right. Keep practicing. Oh, wait. One more thing I got to ask you. What? What? Did--? Do you--? Like, did you ever, you know--? What? What the fuck are you doing? What? -You jerking off? -No! It's a question. -Go wash you hands, man! -No, I'm asking you... -...see if you did it. -Hell, no! Just a question. Look. After I'm done, you ain't gonna be Mommy's little church boy. You're gonna be like me. Don't worry, bro. You're gonna be picking girls like lottery numbers. All right? You never expect that I listen to the conversation. It's very nice. You're teaching your brother, the baby of the house, to be like you. Now you remind me of your grandpa, my husband. -What are you talking about? -He was the first gigolo. You're the second one. You're gonna make him the third! -No, he's not, Ma. -Don't defense him! -Ma, he's not bad. -I was just talking to him. -We're just talking. -Go to your room! Please, go to your room. Now, an explanation. Where you been? Give me some explanation where you were. You don't show in church. Where you been? Explain to me where you was! If you ask me nicely, maybe I'll tell you. I'm sick and tired with this! You gotta remember something: Only thing you have is me. Keep that in you mind. Right here in your mind. Vicki, you heard? Judy was here. Judy Gonzalez. Victor's such a fucking compulsive liar. Yo, Vicki, why you gotta hate for? Why you so jealous? Shut up and go back into your fucking tent. But I got evidence. Right, son? That she was here. See? Nino, you're such an airhead too. -Yo, you a hater. -Yeah. But what happened? All the people gonna be talking shit about me? I can't walk down the street? What happened? -Whatever. -You know what your problem is? You're always on the couch. You're gonna die on that fucking couch. Ain't nobody gonna want you. You're gonna be all fucking wrinkled. Nobody gonna marry you. When are you gonna get your own life? Yo, Victor! Yo, Victor! Get the fuck off me. What the hell? -Yo-- -What a fucking idiot you are. -You owe me. -Yo, shut the fuck up! She's right there, man. What the hell you doing? What's wrong with you, knocking on my door so early? So it's too early? Can't you see I'm still wearing my robe? Sorry. -Where's your sister at? -Oh, man. Tell me where your sister's at, or you ain't gonna meet Godzilla. Don't slam my door. Yo, Vicki- - Come on, come on, come on, man. This here's my man Carlos. Carlos, this is my sister Vicki, man. Sit down, man. I'm gonna go take a shower, man. Wait right here, all right? -You can see from there, man? -Yeah. You sure? There's a better view from right there. All right? Be good. Hi. You want to talk about something? No. I don't feel too good. Oh, my God! You're so nasty! Damn, yo! It had to be one of Victor's fucking friends. Judy, where were you yesterday? -Hello? -I was taking care of some business. What business? I was waiting forever for you. I went home with a guy. -Shut up. -I'm not lying. Him? Him, Judy? It's not even a relationship. I needed to find a way to get them off my back. You know he's gonna think you guys are really together. Look, just think of him as bug spray. What's up, ladies? What's up, baby? How you all doing? Where we going? We always going somewhere. Hello? Okay. Let me tell you something about me. I like my space. You can't be showing up like that. I'm sorry, I'm saying, I mean, I don't have your number so.... If I would've had your number, this could've been avoided. So can I have your number? No, I'm not allowed give it out. Can I have your number? My phone broke. Yo, how about this? -How about we just plan ahead? -Okay. Next time we just meet at my house. No. Let's meet in public. All right. So we just take things slow. Whatever you want. You call the shots. -Cool. -Very cool. Here, here. Come here. Whoa, it's like a "familia" here, man. It is a "familia". Here's Big Mama right here. Gotta grab her gently. -Stay right there. -Say hi. See? What? All right. Close your eyes, close your eyes. Close them. Trust me, trust me. Trust me, please? Please trust me. I will not do anything stupid. Close them, please? All right, I'm gonna close them. Tell them to stay away. -All right, close them. -Okay. All right. Open them. Open them. Okay. It's small. It's a baby. You're gonna at least let me walk you home, right? -I found a quarter. -I could do my laundry with that. Sure. Come here, come here. All right. So which one you want? Pink, red, orange? -I'm okay. -For real. Which one you want? What, these tough dudes right here? He's in a wheelchair. No, no, no. This is the better one right here, yo. Look, look, look. This is the dude on wheels. You didn't hear about that, right? I think I should go. We're gonna chill though, later, right? Thank you. I'm gonna see you later, right? Right? Hello? Grandma is home. I'm gonna cook good food. Hamburger tonight, for my babies. With so much food, we're gonna make hamburger tonight. Oh, fuck. Ma! What the fuck, Ma? You just hit me with the door right now! How did I know that you'd be outside? It's not my fault. Don't blame me, now! Ma, I'm gonna have a ching-chung now, Ma. It's not my fault. I'm sorry. Anyway, where's your brother? I don't care. I don't know where they are, Ma. Can you get me some ice? -Carlos, stop following me! -Thanks for spending the day with me. I didn't spend the day with you. You vomited on my floor and I took you out for fresh air. My door's open. -Who is this guy? -Grandma, this is Carlos. I'm Victor's friend. -Can you walk me out? -You're already out, stupid. -I'll call you. -I'm not allowed. I'll let it ring twice, then you meet me downstairs. Whatever. Victor, what is going on in this house? Who is this guy outside the door? Tell him to stop introducing me to his stupid friends. Why you introduce men to your sister? Don't do that anymore. Where's your brother? Where's Nino? I'm gonna cook your favorite food. But we don't want to eat by the time he's come home. Ma, he's right there. -Where you was? -In the bathroom. Why you don't answer me in the beginning, when I call you first? Because I was in the bathroom. Oh, God. Please? Please, please. See, that's why you need to leave. Because you touch people and you think that it's okay. -I touch people? -You touch me without my permission. -Why you trying to act so bossy now? -Because you're my bitch. -I'm your what? -You're my bitch. -I'm your what? -You're my bitch. -Excuse me. -I said, you're my bitch. -Don't push me. -I'll push you again. Why are you hitting me hard for? Why you hitting me hard for? -All right, all right. -All right. I could take off my pants? Okay. -You're gonna laugh. -No, I'm not. -Promise not to laugh? -I promise. My ducks. My ducks! -What the fuck is that? -My ducks. -Get out of here. What is that? -My ducks. -Are you serious? -Yeah. Oh, my God. You need help? What, are your pants stuck to your legs? Sweaty. So, what's up? Ducks! Out of everything, you're gonna wear ducks? Yeah. They're cool. Leave them alone. Why are you laughing? -You can't tell anybody, okay? -Okay. I'm serious. Don't tell Victor. Why? Because me and Judy said that we had this thing. -What thing? -That we didn't need anybody else. But she's with Victor. -That's different. -How is that different? Yo, Victor! Yo, Victor! Oh, my fucking-- Why you wake me up so early, son? Judy! Yo, Judy! I heard something, and I want to know if it's true. People are saying you're using me. That you're playing head games. -Is this what it is, a game? This true? -No. -Why people gotta say that for? -What do you think? I think you have me around because you need a guy to take care of you. I don't need no one to take care of me. -So you are using then, right? -And like you're not? I know you're trying to cover up for that Donna girl. What Donna girl? What? Who told you that? That lie? ! Where you get your sources? The people who you talking to telling you lies. You're really gullible if you believe that. You're so easy to see through that it's embarrassing. You know what? Fuck you. Come here. Listen to me. Listen to me very carefully. I don't go out with boys. -I called you, and you came down. -To tell you to stop calling me! You're like a stalker! Would you stop? -Do you need space? -Yes. So if I call you again, you won't come down? No. You're gonna cry? Goodbye. -Ma! -Oh, my God! Nino, it's Grandma. Open door for Grandma. Please. Ma, Ma. I'm using the bathroom, Ma. Let me see your face. -Come on, Nino. -I'll be out. I'll be out, all right? Oh, my God. I'm so ashamed. This is what your brother teaching of you? This is your brother's action. That's it! Where we going? Ma. Go. Ma. Here. Keep him. I don't want him in my house no more! It's finished. Please stop. It's finished. It's finished. Come in, young man. Have a seat. -What is your name? -Victor Vargas. -What is your date of birth, please? -February 1 7, 1 985. Who are your parents? She's my mother and my father. She's both. -Are you his legal guardian? -Yes, I am. -And what is your name, please? -Anna Guzman. -But you can call me "Tatika." -I'll call you "Mrs. Guzman." -And what is your date of birth? -7 "l"28"l"1 930. -And where were you born? -In the Dominican Republic. But I live in the United States for many, many years. I believe I am American. Why are you here? This is my family, but I need help with this one. He do a lot of things wrong that I cannot accept it. And they told me this place. And I come in here to see what you can do for me. And for them, so.... -Has he committed a crime? -No, he don't do that. Has he stolen anything from someone in the home? That's not the point. He's not a criminal. -Has he tried anything sexually? -No! I says, no. Don't go that far. -What has he done that's so bad? -He's a bad influences in the house. He show him very terrible ideas. Right here, right here in the head. I raised them with love, with manners. But this one is going the wrong way. I don't know what I'm gonna do. We ought to wring his filthy little neck. Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! And then we take the precious and we be the master! But the fat Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching. Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses and make him crawl. Yes. Yes. Yes. Kill them both. Yes. No! No! It's too risky. It's too risky. Where is he? Where has he gone? - Hey, Gollum! Where are you? - Sméagol? We could let her do it. Yes. She could do it. Yes, precious, she could. And then we takes it once they're dead. Once they're dead. Come on, Hobbits. Long ways to go yet. Sméagol will show you the way. Follow me. Subrip by masken, 2003-11-13 Sync: Lord.of.the.Rings.The.Two.Towers.Extended.Edition AC3.INTERNAL.DVDRip.XviD-DiAMOND -You cannot pass! -Gandalf! I'm the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow! You shall not pass! No! No! Gandalf! Fly, you fools! Nooooooooo! Gandalf! What is it Mr. Frodo? Nothing. Just a dream. Mordor. The one place in Middle Earth we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we cant get. Let's face it Mr. Frodo. We're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way. He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam. ...but they did. Mr.Frodo? It's the Ring isn't it? It's getting heavier. -What food have we got left? -Well, let me see. Oh yes, lovely Lembas bread! And look! More lembas bread. I don't usually hold to foreign food, but this elvish stuff is not bad. Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it Sam? Those rainclouds might. This looks strangely familiar. That's because we've been here before! We are going in circles! Ah! What's that 'orrid stink? I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Can you smell it? Yes I can smell it. We are not alone. Those thieves! Those filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us My precious. We hate them! We hate them! We want it! This is Sting. You've seen it before! haven't you, Gollum! Release him or I'll cut your throat! It burns! It burns us! Take it off! -Quiet you! It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor will hear this racket! -Let's tie him up and leave him! -No! That will kill us, kill us! It's nothing more than you deserve! Maybe he does deserve to die. Now that I've seen him, I do pity him. We be very nice to hobbits, you be nice to us. We swear to do what you wants. We swear! There is no promise you make that I can trust. We swear to serve the master of the precious. We swear on on the precious. Gollum, Gollum. The Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word. Yes on the precious. On the preciouss. I don't believe you! Get down! -Get down! -Sam! He was trying to trick us! We let him go he'll throttle us into our sleep! -Do you know the way to Mordor? -Yes. You've been there before? Yes. You will lead us to the Black Gate. Merry! Merry! What is it? What do you smell? Man-flesh. Aragorn. They've picked up our trail! Let's go! Their pace quickens. They must have caught our scent. Hurry! Come on Gimli! Three day's and night's pursuit. No food... no rest and no sign of our quarry but what bare Rock can tell. Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall. They may yet be alive. Less than a day ahead of us, come! Come Gimli! We are gaining on them. I'm wasted on cross-country. We dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous we are over short distances. Rohan, home of the horse-lords. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets it's will against us. Legolas! What does your elf eyes see? The Orcs turn Northeast. They are taking the hobbits to Isengard! Saruman. The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard ...and Mordor? To stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman and the union of the two towers? Together, Lord Sauron, ...we shall rule this Middle-Earth. The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Orcs. We now have only to remove those who oppose us. The horsemen have taken your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch the living of Rocks. Murderers! Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village! It will begin in the Rohan. Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more. Éothain! Éothain! take your sister. You'll go faster with just two. But Papa says Eothain must not ride. He's too big for him! Listen to me! You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm -Do you understand me? -Yes mum! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go, mama! Freda, listen to me. I will find you there. Quickly! Go, child! Rohan, my lord is ready to fall. Théodred! Your son is badly wounded, my lord. He was ambushed by Orcs. If we don't defend our country, Saruman will take it by force. That is a lie! Saruman the White has ever been our friend and ally. Grimá. Grimá. Grimá. Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked, unchallenged, killing at will. Orcs bearing the white hand of Saruman. Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your uncle is weary of your malcontent. ...your warmongering. Warmongering? How long has it been since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Grimá? When all the men are dead you would take a share of the treasure? Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps. You see much, Èomer son of Èomund. Too much. You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan under pain of death. Keep breathing, that's the key! Breathe! Ho! They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them. We ain't goin' no further till we've had a breather. Get the fire going! Merry! Merry! I think, we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin. What's making that noise? It's the trees. What? You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folks used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees tall and come alive. Alive? Trees that could whisper talk to each other even move. I'm starving. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Yeah! Why can't we have some meat? What about them? They're flesh! They are not for eating! What about their legs? They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty! Get back! Just a mouthful? No! Looks like meat's back on the menu boys! Pippin! Let's go! Go on, call for help. Squeal! No one's gonna save you now! Pippin! A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night. Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark? What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly! Give me your name, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine. I would cut off your head, Dwarf if it stood but a little higher from the ground. You would die before your stroke fell! I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin and Legolas from the Woodland realm We are friends of Rohan and of Théoden, your King. Théoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin. Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claim lordship over this lands. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there they say as an old man. Hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets. We are no spies. We track a band of Uruk-Hai westward across the plains. They have taken two of our friends captive. The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night. But there were two Hobbits. Do you see two Hobbits with them? They will be small. Only children to your eyes. We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them. They're dead? I am sorry. Hasufel! Arod! May these horses bear you to better fortune than the former masters. Farewel. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride north! It's one of their little belts. We failed them. A Hobbit lay here and the other. They crawled. Their hands were bound. Their bonds were cut. They ran over here and were followed. The belt! Run! Tracks lead away from the battle into... Fangorn Forest. Fangorn? What madness drew them there? Did we lose him? I think we lost him. I'm gonna rip off both your little heads! Come here! Trees! Climb a tree! He's gone. Merry! Let's put a maggot-hole in your belly. Run, Merry! Little Orcs! It's talking Merry.The tree is talking. Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent. Treeherder! Shepherd of the forest. Don't talk to it Merry. Don't encourage it. Treebeard some call me. And whose side are you on? Side? I am on nobody's side because nobody is on my side, little Orc. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.. We're not Orcs. We're Hobbits! Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me! They come with fire they come with axes. Biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers Curse them! No! You don't understand. We are Hobbits! Halflings! Shirefolk! Maybe you are and maybe you aren't The White Wizard will know. White Wizard? Saruman! See, see! We have led you out! Hurry, hurry! Very lucky we find you. Nice hobbit. It's a bog! He's led us into a swamp! Swamp, yes, yes! Come master. We will take you to safe paths, through the mist. Come Hobbits, come. We move quickly! I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don't use it. Orcs don't know it They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Swift and quick like shadows we must be. There are dead things! Dead faces in the water! All dead. All rotten. Elves and Men and Orcs. A great battle long ago. The Dead Marshes. Yes, yes! That is the name. This way. Don't follow the lights. Careful now! Or hobbits go down to join the dead ones and light little candles of their own. Frodo! -Gollum? -Don't follow the lights! -Gollum! -Mr. Frodo! Are you alright? So bright, so beautiful. Ah precious. What did you say? Master should be resting. Master need to keep up his strength. Who are you? Musn't ask us it's name not his business. Gollum, Gollum. Gandalf told me you were one of the River Folk. Call me heart and hand and bone. And call every traveller far from home. He said your life was was a sad story. They do not see what lies ahead when sun has faded and moon is dead. You were not so very different from a Hobbit once were you? Sméagol? What did you call me? That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago. My... My name Sméagol. Black Riders! Hide! Hide! Hide! Come on Frodo, Come on! They will see us! They will see us - I thought they were dead! - Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No. Wraiths! Wraiths on wings! They are calling for it They are calling for the precious. Mr. Frodo! It's alright. I'm here. Hurry, hobbits! The Black Gate is very close. Orc blood! These are strange tracks. The air is so close here. This forest is old. Very old. Full of memories and anger. The trees are speaking to each other. Gimli! Lower your axe. Aragorn, something is out there! What do you see? The White Wizard approaches. Do not let him speak. He will out a spell on us! We must be quick. You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits. Where are they? They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you? Who are you? Show yourself! It cannot be! You fell! Through fire.... ...and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me.... ...and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done. Gandalf! Gandalf? Oh yes. That was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. Gandalf! I am Gandalf the White now. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. One stage of the journey is over, another begins. War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed. That is one of the mearas unless my eyes are cheated by some spell. Shadowfax He's the lord of all horses and he's been my friend through many dangers. My home. I sleep in the forest here. The roots of the mountains. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe. And safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have gone wild and dangerous. Anger is in their hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us that are left to manage them. The Black Gate of Mordor. My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he saw this. Master says show him the way into Mordor. So good Sméagol does what master says so. I did. We cannot get past them. Look! The gate, it's opening! I can see a way down. Sam! No! Master! - I do not ask you to come with me, Sam. - I know, Mr. Frodo. I doubt these elvish cloaks will help us in there. Now! No! No! No master! They catch you! They catch you. Don't take it to Him. He wants the precious. Always he's looking for it! And the preciousss is wanting to go back to him. But we musn't let him have it. No! There is another way. More secret and dark way. Why haven't you spoke of this before? Because master did not ask! He is up to something. Are you saying is another way into Mordor? Yes. There is a path and some stairs . And then a tunnel. He has led us this far, Sam. Mr. Frodo, no! He's been true to his word. No! Lead the way, Sméagol. Good Sméagol always help. Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld Here lives the King of Rohan ...whose mind is overthrown... and Saruman's hold over King Théoden is now very strong. My lord, your son is dead My lord? Uncle? Will you not go to him? Will you do nothing? Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here. He must have died sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. I understand his passing is hard to accept. especially now that your brother has deserted you. Leave me alone, you snake! Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness. The bitter watches of the night when all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower closing in about you So fair. So cold. like a morning pale spring still clinging to winter's chill. Your words are poison. This place is as cheerful as a graveyard. I cannot allow you before Théoden-king so armed, Gandalf Grayhame. By order of Grima Wormtongue. Your staff. Oh. No, you would not part an old man from his walking stick? My Lord. Gandalf the Grey is coming. A herald of woe. The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late Théoden-King. He is not welcome. Why should I welcome you Gandalf, Gandalf Stormcrow? A just question my lord. Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell spell I name him. Ill news is an ill guest. Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I have not pass trough dead to bandy a few words with a witless worm. Your staff. I told you to take the wizard's staff! Théoden Son of Thengel too long have you sat in the shadows. I would stay still, if I were you! Talk to me! I will release you from the spell. You have no powers here Gandalf the Grey I shall draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound. Wait. If I go, Théoden dies. You did not kill me you will not kill him. Rohan is mine! Be gone! I know your face. Éowyn. Éowyn! Gandalf? Breathe the free air again, my friend. Dark have been my dreams of late. Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped your sword. I've only ever... served you my lord. Your witchcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast! Send me not from your side! No my Lord! Let him go. Enough blood has been spilled on his account. Get out of my way! Hail, Théoden, King! . Where is Théodred? . Where is my son? Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. At last, that these evil days shall be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see the last days of my house. Théodred's death was not of your making. No parent should have to bury their child. He was strong in life. His spirits will find his way to the halls of your fathers. They had no warning. They were unarmed. Now the wildmen are moving through westfold. Burning as they go... every rick and cotton tree. Where's momma? This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash. All the more potent for he is driven mad by the fear of Sauron. Ride out and meet him head on. Draw him away from the women and children. You must fight! You have two thousand good men riding north as we speak. Èomer is loyal to you. His men will return and fight for their king. They will be three hundred leagues from here by now. Èomer cannot help us. I know what is that you want of me. But I would not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war. Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not. When last I looked Théoden, not Aragorn, was king of Rohan. Then what is the king's decision? By order of the king the city must empty. We make for the refuge of Helm's Deep. Do not burden yourself with treasures. Take only what provisions you need. Helm's Deep! They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight. Who will defend them if not their king? He is only doing what he thinks is best for his people Helm's Deep has saved them in the past. There is no way out of that of ravine. Théoden is walking into a trap. He thinks he is leading them to safety. But what he'll get is a massacre. Théoden has a strong hold but I fear for him. I fear for the survival of Rohan. He will need you before the end there, Aragorn The people of Rohan will need you. The defenses have to hold. They will hold. The Grey Pilgrim. That is what they used to call me. Three hundred lives of men have walked this earth and now, I have no time. Good luck. My search will not be in vain. Look to my coming. At first light of the fifth day at dawn, look to the East. Go. You have some skill with a blade. Women of this country learned long ago that those without swords may still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain. What do you fear my lady? A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire. You are a daughter of kings. A shieldmaiden of Rohan. I do not think that will be your fate. Théoden will not stay at Edoras. It is vulnerable. He knows this. He will expect an attack on the city. They will flee to Helm's Deep the great fortress of Rohan. It is a dangerous road to take through the mountains. It will be slow. They will have women and children with them. Send out your warg riders. Hey Stinker! Don't go getting too far ahead! Why do you do that? - What? - Call him names. Run him down all the time. Because.... ...because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in 'im but lies and deceit. It's the Ring he wants. It's all he cares about. You have no idea what it did to him. What is still doing to him. I want to help him Sam. Why? Because I have to believe he can come back. You can't save him, Mr. Frodo. What do you know about it? Nothing! I'm sorry Sam. I don't know why I said that. I do. It's the Ring. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taking a hold of you Mr Frodo. You have to fight it. I know what I have to do Sam. The Ring was entrusted to me It's my task! Mine! My own! Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like? We wants it. We need it. Must have the Precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricky, filth! No! No! Master. Yes. Precious first. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie! Master's my friend. You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you. Not listening. Not listening. You �re a liar and a thief. No. Murderer! Go away! Go away? I hate you. I hate you. Where would you be without me? Gollum! Gollum! I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me. Not anymore. What did you say? Master looks after us now. We don't need you. What? Leave now and never come back. No! Leave now and never come back! Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away! And away he goes, precious. Gone, gone, gone! Sméagol is free! Look! Look! See what Sméagol finds! They are young! They are tender and nice. Yes they are! Eat them. Eat them! Make him sick you will behaving like that. There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys. Whats he doing! Stupid fat hobbit! You ruin it! Whats to ruin? There's hardly any meat on them. What we need it a few good taters. What's taters, precious? What's taters? Po-ta-toes! Boil them, mash them, stick them in a stew. Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish. Even you couldn't say no to that. Oh yes we could. Spoiling nice fish! Give it to us raw and wriggling. You keep nasty chips! You're hopeless. Mr Frodo? - Who are they? - Wicked men. Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. It will soon be ready. - Ready to do what? - To make His war The last war that will cover all the world in shadow. We've got to keep moving. Come on Sam. Mr. Frodo! Look! It's an Oliphant! No one at home will believe this. Sméagol? We've lingered here for too long. Come on Sam! Ah! Bind their hands. It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance... ..they are often mistaken for dwarf men. It's the beards. And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women. And the dwarves just, spring out of holes in the ground! Which is of course ridiculous. It's alright! It's alright! Nobody panic. That was deliberate. It was deliberate. The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane. It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. Go to sleep. I am asleep. This is a dream. Then it is a good dream. Sleep. You told me once this day would come. This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path. My path is hidden from me. It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now. Arwen. If you trust nothing else... trust this... trust us. Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel? Our time here is ending. Arwen's time is ending. Let her go. Let her take the ship into the West. Let her bear away her love for you to the Undying Lands there to the ever green. But never more than a memory. I will not leave my daughter here to die. - She stays because she still has hope. - She stays for you. She belongs with her people. You have a chance for another life... away from war...grief...despair. Why are you saying this? I'm mortal. You're an elfkind. It was a dream Arwen. Nothing more. This belongs to you. It was a gift. Keep it. My lord? She is sailing to the Undying Lands, with all that is left of her kin. What is it? - Hama? - I'm not sure. A scout! - What is it? What do you see? - Wargs! We are under attack! All riders to the head of the column! Come on, get me up here. I'm a rider! You must lead the people to Helm's Deep and make haste. - I can fight! - No! You must do this. For me. Follow me! - Forward, forward, march forward. - Make for the lower ground. Stay together! Bring your pretty face to my axe! That one counts as mine! Stinking creature! Aragorn! Aragorn! - Tell me what happened and I will ease your passing - He's dead. He took a little thumble off the cliff. You lie! Get the wounded on horses. The wolfs of Isengard will return. Leave the dead. Come. Finally! Helmsdeep! There it is, Helmsdeep! We're saved, my lady! Thank you! Mama! Make way for the king! So few, so few of you have returned. Our people are safe. We have paid for it with many lives Mylady. Lord Aragorn where is he? He fell. Draw all our forces behind the wall. Bar the gate and set a watch on the surround. What of those who cannot fight my lord? - The women and children? - Get them into the caves. Saruman's arm would have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here. Helm's Deep has but one weakness. It's outer wall is solid Rock for for except for a small culvert in space which is little more than a drain. How? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device can break down a wall? If the wall is breached, Helm's Deep will fall. Even if it is breached, it would take a number beyond reckoning, thousands to storm the keep. Tens of thousands. But, my lord, there is no such force. A new power is rising. It's victory is at hand. This night the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive! To war! There will be no dawn for Man. Look! The smoke to the south! There is always smoke rising up from Isengard these days. Isengard? There was a time when Saruman would walk in my woods. But now, he has a mind of metal and wheels. He no longer cares for growing things. What is it? It's Saruman's army! The war has started. May the grace of the Valar protect you. Arwen. It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now before it is too late. I've made my choice. He is not coming back. Why do you linger when there is no hope? There is still hope. If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hoped for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality... Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time.... ...Aragorn will die.. And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death. An image of the splendor of the kings of men in glory, undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter you will linger on in darkness and in doubt... As night falling winter has come without a star. Here you will dwell bound to you grief, under the fading trees until all the world has changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. Arwen. There is nothing for you here only death. Do I not also have your love? You have my love father. The power of the enemy is growing. Sauron will use his puppet Saruman to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The Eye of Sauron now turns to Gondor the last free kingdom of men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The strength of the Ringbearer is failing. In his heart, Frodo begins to understand. The quest will claim his life. You know this. You have foreseen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young captain of Gondor has but to extend his hand to take the Ring for his own and the world will fall. It is close now. So close to achieving it's goal. For Sauron will have dominion over all life on this Earth even until the ending of the world. The time of the elves is over. Do we leave Middle-Earth to it's fate? Do we let them stand alone? What news? Our scouts report Saruman has attacked Rohan. Théoden's people have fled to Helm's Deep. But we must look to our own borders. Faramir, Orcs are on the move. Sauron is marshalling an army. Easterlings and Southrons are passing through the Black Gate. How many? Some thousands. More come every day. Who's covering the river to the north? - We pulled five hundred men out of Osgiliath. But if the city is attacked, we won't hold it. Saruman attacks from Isengard. Sauron from Mordor. The fight will come to men on both fronts. Gondor is weak. Sauron will strike us soon. And he will strike hard. He knows now we do not have the strength to repel him. My men tell me that you are Orc spies. Spies! Now wait just a minute! Well if you're not spies, then who are you? Speak! We are hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name and this is Samwise Gamgee. Your bodyguard? His gardener. And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature. He had an ill-favoured look. There was no other. We set out from Rivendell with seven companions. One we lost in Moria. Two were my kin. A dwarf there was also. And an elf. And two men Aragorn, son of Arathorn and Boromir of Gondor. You were friend of Boromir? Yes. For my part. It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead? Dead? How? When? As one of his companions, I had hoped you would tell me. He was my brother. Captain Faramir! We found it... You must come with me. Now. Down there. To enter the Forbidden Pool bears the penalty of death. They wait for my command. Shall they shoot? Rock and pool is nice and cool. So juicy sweet. I only wish to catch a fish! So juicy sweet! Wait. This creature is bound to me.. And I to him. He is our guide Please let me go down to him. Sméagol! Master is here! Come, Sméagol! Trust master. Come! We must... go now? Sméagol, you must trust master. Follow me, come on. Come. Come, Sméagol. Nice Sméagol. That's it. Come on. Don't hurt him! Sméagol don't struggle! Sméagol listen to me! Master! Where are you leading them? Answer me! Sméagol? Why do you cry, Sméagol? Cruel men hurt us. Master tricked us. Of course he did. I told you he was tricky. I told you he was false. Master is our friend... our friend. Master betrayed us! No, not it's business. Leave us alone. Filthy little hobbits! They stole it from us! No... no. What did they steal? My Precious! We have to get out of here. You go. Go now. You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear. I can't. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me. I'm sorry. The Ring's taking me, Sam. If I put it on He'll find me. He'll see. Mr. Frodo... So... this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two haflings and a host of men at my call. And the Ring of power within my grasp. A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor to show his quality. No! Stop it! Leave him alone! Don't you understand? He's got to destroy it! That's where we're going. Into Mordor. To the Mountain of Fire. Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. Please. It's such a burden. Will you not help him? Captain? Prepare to leave. The Ring will go to Gondor. He's alive! Where is he? Get out of my way! I'm gonna kill him! You are the the luckiest, the cunningest and most reckless man I ever knew! Bless you, laddie! Gimli, where is the king? You're late. You look terrible. A great host, you say? - All Isengard is emptied. - How many? Ten thousand strong at least. Ten-thousand? It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Men. They will be here by nightfall. Let them come. I want every man and strong lad able to bear arms to be ready for battle by nightfall. We will cover the causeway and the gate from above. No army has ever breached the deeping wall or set foot inside the Hornburg! This is no rabble of mindless Orcs! These are Uruk-hai. Their armor is thick and their shields broad. I have fought many wars, Master Dwarf. I know how to defend my own keep. They will break upon this fortress like water on Rock. Saruman's hordes will pillage and burn. We've seen it before. Crops can be resown. Homes rebuilt. Within these walls we will outlast them They do not come to destroy Rohan's crops or villages! They come to destroy its people down to the last child! What would you have me do? Look at my men. Their courage hangs by a thread. If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance! Send out riders, my lord You must call for aid. And who will come? Elves? Dwarves? We are not so lucky in our friends as you. The old alliances are dead. - Gondor will answer. - Gondor? Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us? Where was Gon...? No, my lord Aragorn we are alone. - Get the women and children into the caves. - We need more time to lay provisions for a siege, lord. - There is no time. War is upon us! Secure the gate. The ents have not troubled about the wars of men and wizards for a very long time. But now something is about to happen that has not happened for an age. Ent moot. What's that? It is a gathering. A gathering of what? Muitos vieram. Beech, Oak, Chestnut, Ash. Good, good, good many have come. Now we must decide if the ents will go to war. Move to the cage! Quickly now! Farmers, farriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers. - Most have seen too many winters. - Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened. I can see it in their eyes. And they should be. Three hundred against ten thousand. They have a better chance defending themselves here than in Edoras. They cannot win this fight! They are all going to die! Then I shall die as one of them! Let him go, lad. Let him be. Every villager able to wield a sword has been sent to the armory. My lord? Who am I, Gamling? You are our king, sire. And do you trust your king? You're men, my lord will follow you to whatever end. To whatever end. Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the west behind the hills. into shadow. How did it come to this? Give me your sword. What is your name? Háleth, son of Háma, my lord. The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless. This is a good sword Háleth, son of Háma. There is always hope. We have trusted you this far and you have not led us astray. Forgive me. I was wrong to despair. There is nothing to forgive, Legolas. If we had time, I'd get this adjusted. It's a little tight across the chest. That is no Orc horn! Send for the king. Open the gate! How is this possible? I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance. You are most welcome! We are proud to fight alongside men, once more. You could have picked a better spot. Well lad, the luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night. Your friends are with you, Aragorn.. Let's hope they last the night. Show them no mercy! For you shall receive none! - What's happening out there? - Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box? Hold! So it begins. Preparem-se a disparar! Their armour is weak at the neck and under the arms. Fire! Anybody hit anything? Give them a volley. Fire! Come on! Send them to them! Ladders! Good! Swords! - Legolas, two already! - I'm on seventeen! - I'll have no pointy-ear outscoring me! Nineteen! Merry. We have just agreed. Yes? I have told your names to the ent moot and we have agreed you are not Orcs.. Well that's good news. And what about Saruman? Have you come to a decision about him? Now don't be hasty, Master Meriadoc. Hasty? Our friends are out there. They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own. War, yes. It affects us all. But you must understand, young hobbit it takes a long time to say anything in old entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty one. Twenty two. Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman.n Bring him down, Legolas! Kill him! Kill him! Brace the gates! Hold them! Stand fast! Aragorn! Gimli! Prepare to charge! The ents cannot hold back this war. We must weather such things as we have always done. How can that be your decision? This is not our war. But your part of this world! Aren't you? You must help. Please! You must do something. You are young and brave, master Merry. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home. Maybe Treebeard's right. We don't belong here, Merry. It's too big for us. What can we do in the end? We've got the Shire. Maybe we should go home. The fires of Isengard will spread and the woods of Tuckburough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Pippin. Aragorn! Pull back to the keep! Get your men out of there! To the Keep! Pull back to the Keep! Haldir! To the Keep! What are you doing? Stop it! Haldir! Brace the gate! To the gate! Draw your swords! We can't hold much longer. Hold them! How long do you need? As long as you can give me! Gimli! Brace the gate! Come on. We can take them! It's a long way, Toss me. - What? - I cannot jump the distance. Toss me! Don't tell the elf. Not a word. Shore up the door! Gimli! Aragorn! Get out of there! — Aragorn! Pull everybody back! Pull them back! Pull back! They've broken through! The castle is free! Retreat! Retreat! Hurry! Inside! Get them inside! Come, to the keep! I will leave you at the western borders of the forest. You can make your way north to your homeland from there. Wait! Stop! Stop! Turn around. - Turn around. Take us south! - South? But that will lead you past Isengard. Yes. Exactly If we go south we can slip past Saruman unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing he'll expect. That doesn't make sense to me. But then you are very small. Perhaps you're right. South it is then. Hold on, little Shirelings. I always like going south. Somehow it feels like going downhill. Are you mad, we'll be caught! No we won't. Not this time. Look! Osgiliath burns. Mordor has come. The Ring will not save Gondor. It has only the power to destroy Please let me go. Hurry. Faramir! You must let me go! And a little family of field mice that climb up sometimes and it tickles me awfully. They're always trying to get somebody. Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known from nut and acorn. I'm sorry, Treebeard. They had voices of their own. Saruman. A wizard should know better! There is no curse in elvish entish or the tongues of men for this treachery! My business is with Isengard tonight. With a rock and stone. Yes! Come my friends! The ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doomlt The last march of the ents. Faramir, Orcs have taken the eastern shore. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun. Mr. Frodo? It's calling to him, Sam. His Eye is almost on me. Hold on, Mr. Frodo. You'll be alright.. Take them to my father. Tell him Faramir sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war. You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You wanna know why your brother died? He tried to take the Ring from Frodo! After swearing an oath to protect him! He tried to kill him! The Ring drove your brother mad! Watch out! Mr. Frodo? They're here. They've come. Nazgûl! Stay here. Keep out of sight.. Take cover! The fortress is taken. It is over. You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it They have died defending it! They're breaking in! Is there no other way for the women and children to get out of the caves? Is there no other way? There is one passage. It leads into the mountains. But they will not get far The Uruk-hai are too many. Send word for the women and children to make for the mountain pass. And barricade the entrance! - So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate? Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them. For death and glory? For Rohan. For your people. The sun is rising. Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn look to the East.. Yes. Yes! The Horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep one last time. Yes! Let this be the hour when we draw swords together. Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath now for ruin and the red dawn! Forth Eorlingas! Gandalf. Théoden-king stands alone. Not alone. Rohirrim! Éomer. To the king! A hit. A fine hit. Break the dam! Release the river! Pippin, hold on! Hold on, little hobbits! What are you doing? Where are you going? ! It's me. It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam? I can't do this, Sam. I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. Victory! But in the end, it's only a passing thing.... ...this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.a That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. What are we holding on to, Sam? That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for. I think at last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins. You know the laws of our country. The laws of your father. If you let them go, your life will be forfeit. Then it is forfeit. Release themaTM Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness.. I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales. What? I wonder if people will ever say, 'let's hear about Frodo and the Ring. And they'll say, "yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, dad." 'Yes, my boy... the most famousest of hobbits. And that's saying alot. 'You left out one of the chief characters. Samwise the Brave.. I want to hear more about Samih Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam. Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious. So was I. "Samwise the Brave." Sméagol? We're not gonna wait for you. Come on! Master. Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us. Master broke his promise! Don't ask Sméagol. Poor, poor Sméagol. Master betrayed us! Wicked, tricky, filth! We ought to ring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! Then we take the Precious and we be the master! But the fat hobbit.He knows. Eyes always watching. Then we stabs them out! Put out his eyses. And make him crawl. Yes! Yes! Yes! Kill them both. Yes! No. No! It's too risky, it's too risky! Where's he gone? - Gollum, where are you? - Sméagol? We could let her do it. Yes. She could do it. Yes, precious she could! And then we take it once they're dead. Once they're dead. Hush! Come on, hobbits. Long ways to go yet! Sméagol will show you the way. Follow me.. GANDALF: You cannot pass! FRODO: Gandalf! GANDALF: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the Shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn! You shall not pass! [RUMBLING] [ROARING] [GROANS] BOROMIR: No! No! Gandalf! Fly, you fools. No! Gandalf! [YELLING] [ROARING] Gandalf! What is it, Mr. Frodo? Nothing. Just a dream. Mordor. The one place in Middle-earth we don't want to see any closer. And it's the one place we're trying to get to. It's just where we can't get. Let's face it, Mr. Frodo, we're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way. He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam but they did. [RUMBLES] [GASPING] Mr. Frodo? It's the Ring, isn't it? It's getting heavier. -What food have we got left? -Let me see. Oh, yes. Lovely. Lembas bread. And look! More lembas bread. I don't usually hold with foreign food but this Elvish stuff, it's not bad. Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it, Sam? [THUNDER RUMBLES] Those rain clouds might. SAM: This looks strangely familiar. It's because we've been here before. We're going in circles. SAM: What is that horrid stink? I warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. -Can you smell it? FRODO: Yes. I can smell it. We're not alone. [SNORING] [GROWLING] The thieves. The thieves. The filthy little thieves. Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us. My precious. Curse them, we hates them! It's ours, it is, and we wants it! [YELLING] [FRODO GROANS] [SAM YELLS] [SCREAMS] This is Sting. You've seen it before haven't you, Gollum? [CHOKING] Release him or I'll cut your throat. [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING ECHOES] It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted it. -Take it off us! -Quiet, you! It's hopeless. Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket. -Let's just tie him up and leave him. -No! That would kill us! Kill us! It's no more than you deserve! Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him. We be nice to them if they be nice to us. Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears. There's no promise you can make that I can trust. We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on on the precious. Gollum. Gollum. The Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word. Yes on the precious. On the precious. I don't believe you! -Get down! I said, down! -Sam! He's trying to trick us. If we let him go, he'll throttle us in our sleep. [GASPING] -You know the way to Mordor? -Yes. You've been there before? Yes. You will lead us to the Black Gate. Merry! Merry! What is it? What do you smell? Man-flesh. Aragorn. They've picked up our trail. Let's move! [RUMBLING] Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent. Hurry! Come on, Gimli! Three days and nights pursuit. No food. No rest. And no sign of our quarry, but what bare rock can tell. Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall. They may yet be alive. Less than a day ahead of us. Come. [GIMLI GROANS] Come, Gimli! We're gaining on them! I'm wasted on cross-country. We Dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous over short distances. ARAGORN: Rohan. Home of the Horse-lords. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us. ARAGORN: Legolas! What do your Elf-eyes see? LEGOLAS: The Uruks turn northeast. They are taking the Hobbits to Isengard. Saruman. [HAMMERING] SARUMAN: The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor? To stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman and the union of the two towers? Together, my Lord Sauron we shall rule this Middle-earth. [YELLING AND SQUEALING] SARUMAN: The Old World will burn in the fires of industry. The forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fists of the Orc. We have only to remove those who oppose us. The Horse-Men took your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch a living off rocks. Murderers! SARUMAN: Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village! [YELLING] SARUMAN: It will begin in Rohan. Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more. Éothain! Éothain! You take your sister. You'll go faster with just two. Papa says Éothain must not ride Garulf. He is too big for him. Listen to me. You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. -Do you understand me? -Yes, Mama. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go, Mama. Freda, I will find you there. [SCREAMING] Quickly! Go, child. SARUMAN: Rohan, my lord is ready to fall. Théodred. ÉOWYN: Your son is badly wounded, my lord. He was ambushed by Orcs. If we don't defend our country, Saruman will take it by force. That is a lie. Saruman the White has ever been our friend and ally. THÉODEN: Gríma. Gríma. Gríma. Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Killing at will. Orcs bearing the White Hand of Saruman. Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your uncle is wearied by your malcontent your warmongering. Warmongering? How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Gríma? When all the Men are dead, you will take your share of the treasure? Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps. You see much, Éomer, son of Éomund. Too much. [GROANS] You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan under pain of death. [YELLS] Keep breathing. That's the key. Breathe. They've run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them. ORC 1: We're not going no further until we've had a breather. Get a fire going! Merry! Merry! I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin. [TREES GROANING] What's making that noise? It's the trees. What? You remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall and come alive. Alive? Trees that could whisper talk to each other even move. I'm starving. We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days. Yeah! Why can't we have some meat? ! What about them? They're fresh. They are not for eating. [WHIMPERING] What about their legs? They don't need those. -They look tasty. LEADER: Get back, scum! ORC 2: Carve them up! ORC 3: Just a mouthful. LEADER: No! Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys. [ROARING] Pippin. Let's go. Go on. Call for help. Squeal. No one's going to save you now. [SCREAMS] [HOOVES BEATING] MERRY: Pippin! [SCREAMING] [SCREAMS] A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night. [HORSES NEIGHING] [HOOVES BEATING] Riders of Rohan what news from the Mark? What business does an Elf, a Man and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly! Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine. I would cut off your head, Dwarf if it stood but a little higher from the ground. You would die before your stroke fell. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Glóin, and Legolas of the Woodland Realm. We are friends of Rohan and of Théoden, your king. Théoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin. Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claimed lordship over these lands. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere, his spies slip past our nets. We are no spies. We track a party of Uruk-hai westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive. The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night. But there were two Hobbits. Did you see two Hobbits with them? They would be small. Only children to your eyes. We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them. Dead? I am sorry. [WHISTLES] Hasufel! Arod! May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell. Look for your friends. But do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride north! It's one of their wee belts. [SPEAKS IN ELVISH] [YELLS] We failed them. A Hobbit lay here. And the other. [TREES GROANING] They crawled. Their hands were bound. Their bonds were cut. [YELLING] They ran over here. They were followed. MERRY: The belt! Run! Tracks lead away from the battle into Fangorn Forest. Fangorn? What madness drove them in there? PIPPIN: Did we lose him? I think we lost him. [GROWLING] I'm going to rip out your filthy little innards! Come here! Trees. Climb a tree. He's gone. [GROWLING] Merry! [GROANING] [SCREAMS] Let's put a maggot hole in your belly! Run, Merry! Little Orcs. It's talking, Merry. The tree is talking. Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent. A tree-herder. A shepherd of the forest. Don't talk to it, Merry. Don't encourage it! Treebeard, some call me. And whose side are you on? Side? I am on nobody's side because nobody's on my side, little Orc. Nobody cares for the woods anymore. We're not Orcs! We're Hobbits! Hobbits? Hmm. Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me! [MERRY AND PIPPIN GROANING] They come with fire. They come with axes. Gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning! -Destroyers and usurpers! Curse them! -No! You don't understand. We're Hobbits! Halflings! Shire-folk! Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know. The White Wizard? Saruman. GOLLUM: See? See? We've led you out. Hurry, Hobbitses. Hurry! Very lucky we find you. Nice Hobbit. SAM: Oh! It's a bog. He's led us into a swamp. A swamp, yes, yes. Come, master. We will take you on safe paths through the mist. Come, Hobbits! Come! We go quickly. I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don't use it. Orcs don't know it. They go around for miles and miles. Come quickly. Soft and quick as shadows we must be. SAM: There are dead things! Dead faces in the water. GOLLUM: All dead. All rotten. Elves and Men and Orcses. A great battle long ago. Dead Marshes. Yes. Yes, that is their name. This way. Don't follow the lights. Oh. Careful now! Or Hobbits go down to join the dead ones and light little candles of their own. Frodo! [GASPING] -Gollum? -Don't follow the lights. FRODO: Gollum! -Mr. Frodo! Are you all right? [THUNDER ROLLING] GOLLUM: So bright. So beautiful. Our precious. What did you say? Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his strength. -Who are you? -Mustn't ask us. Not its business. Gollum. Gollum. Gandalf told me you were one of the river-folk. �old be heart and hand and bone �old be travelers far from home He said your life was a sad story. They do not see what lies ahead When sun has failed and moon is dead You were not so very different from a Hobbit once. Were you? Sméagol. What did you call me? That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago. My name. My name. Sméagol. [SHRIEKING IN THE DISTANCE] Black Riders! SMÉAGOL: Hide! Hide! [SCREAMING] Come on, Frodo. Come on! SMÉAGOL: Quick! They will see us! They will see us! -I thought they were dead. -Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No. [SHRIEKING] [ROARING] [SMÉAGOL WHIMPERS] SMÉAGOL: Wraiths! Wraiths on wings! They are calling for it. They are calling for the precious. Mr. Frodo! It's all right. I'm here. [ROARING] SMÉAGOL: Hurry, Hobbits. The Black Gate is very close. Orc blood. These are strange tracks. The air is so close in here. This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory... [TREES GROANING] ...and anger. [GROANING] The trees are speaking to each other. ARAGORN: Gimli! Lower your ax. Oh. [IN ELVISH] Something's out there. What do you see? [IN ENGLISH] The White Wizard approaches. Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us. We must be quick. [YELLING] WHITE WIZARD: You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits. Where are they? They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you? Who are you? Show yourself! It cannot be. You fell. Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Mordoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the Earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. [GASPS] I've been sent back until my task is done. Gandalf. Gandalf? Yes. That was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. Gandalf. I am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. One stage of your journey is over. Another begins. War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed. [WHISTLING] [HORSE NEIGHS] That is one of the Mearas unless my eyes are cheated by some spell. GANDALF: Shadowfax. He is the lord of all horses and has been my friend through many dangers. TREEBEARD: My home lies deep in the forest near the roots of the mountain. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe. And safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us Ents left to manage them. SMÉAGOL: The Black Gate of Mordor. Oh, save us. My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he could see us now. SMÉAGOL: Master says to show him the way into Mordor. So good Sméagol does, master says so. I did. That's it, then. We can't get past that. [EASTERLINGS YELLING INDISTINCTLY] [HORNS BLOWING] Look! The gate. It's opening! I can see a way down. Sam, no! Master! [EASTERLINGS YELLING INDISTINCTLY] -I do not ask you to come with me, Sam. -I know, Mr. Frodo. I doubt even these Elvish cloaks will hide us in there. -Now! -No! No! No, master! They catch you! They catch you! Don't take it to him. He wants the precious. Always he is looking for it. And the precious is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn't let him have it. No! There's another way. More secret. A dark way. -Why haven't you spoken of this before? -Because master did not ask. He's up to something. Are you saying there's another way into Mordor? Yes. There's a path and some stairs. And then a tunnel. [RUMBLING] He's led us this far, Sam. Mr. Frodo, no. He's been true to his word. No. Lead the way, Sméagol. Good Sméagol always helps. GANDALF: Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld. There dwells Théoden, King of Rohan whose mind is overthrown. Saruman's hold over King Théoden is now very strong. ÉOWYN: My lord, your son he is dead. My lord? Uncle? Will you not go to him? Will you do nothing? Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here. Oh, he must have died sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. I understand. His passing is hard to accept. Especially now that your brother has deserted you. Leave me alone, snake! Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to the darkness in the bitter watches of the night when all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower closing in about you. A hutch to trammel some wild thing in. So fair. So cold. Like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter's chill. Your words are poison. [RIPPING] You'll find more cheer in a graveyard. Ah. I cannot allow you before Théoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame. By order of Gríma Wormtongue. Your staff. You would not part an old man from his walking stick. My lord, Gandalf the Grey is coming. He's a herald of woe. The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late Théoden King. He's not welcome. Why should I welcome you Gandalf Stormcrow? A just question, my liege. Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Láthspell I name him. Ill news is an ill guest. Be silent. Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I have not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm. His staff. I told you to take the wizard's staff. Théoden son of Thengel too long have you sat in the Shadows. I would stay still if I were you. Hearken to me! I release you from the spell. [LAUGHING] You have no power here Gandalf the Grey. [THÉODEN WHIMPERS] I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound. [GROANING] Wait. SARUMAN'S VOICE: If I go, Théoden dies. You did not kill me you will not kill him. Rohan is mine. Be gone. [YELLING] [GROANS] I know your face. Éowyn. Éowyn. Gandalf? Breathe the free air again, my friend. Dark have been my dreams of late. Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped your sword. [YELLS] [GROANS] WORMTONGUE: I've only ever served you, my lord. Your leech craft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast! Send me not from your sight. [SCREAMS] ARAGORN: No, my lord! No, my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been spilt on his account. WORMTONGUE: Get out of my way! MAN: Hail, Théoden King! Where is Théodred? Where is my son? Simbelmynë. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebearers. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see the last days of my house. Théodred's death was not of your making. No parent should have to bury their child. GANDALF: He was strong in life. His spirit will find its way to the halls of your fathers. [SPEAKING IN ROHIRRIM] They had no warning. They were unarmed. Now the Wild Men are moving through the Westfold, burning as they go. Rick, cot and tree. -Where is Mama? -Shh. This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash. All the more potent for he is driven now by fear of Sauron. Ride out and meet him head-on. Draw him away from your women and children. You must fight. You have 2000 good men riding north as we speak. Éomer is loyal to you. His men will return and fight for their king. They will be 300 leagues from here by now. Éomer cannot help us. I know what it is you want of me but I will not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war. Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not. THÉODEN: When last I looked Théoden, not Aragorn, was king of Rohan. [BURPS] Then what is the king's decision? HÁMA: By order of the king the city must empty. We make for the refuge of Helm's Deep. Do not burden yourself with treasures. Take only what provisions you need. GIMLI: Helm's Deep. They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight. Who will defend them if not their king? He's only doing what he thinks is best for his people. Helm's Deep has saved them in the past. There is no way out of that ravine. Théoden is walking into a trap. He thinks he's leading them to safety. What they will get is a massacre. Théoden has a strong will, but I fear for him. I fear for the survival of Rohan. He will need you before the end, Aragorn. The people of Rohan will need you. The defenses have to hold. They will hold. The Grey Pilgrim. That's what they used to call me. Three hundred lives of Men I've walked this earth, and now I have no time. With luck, my search will not be in vain. Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east. Go. You have some skill with a blade. Women of this country learned long ago: Those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain. What do you fear, my lady? A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire. You're a daughter of kings a shield maiden of Rohan. I do not think that would be your fate. WORMTONGUE: Théoden will not stay at Edoras. It's vulnerable. He knows this. He will expect an attack on the city. They will flee to Helm's Deep the great fortress of Rohan. It is a dangerous road to take through the mountains. They will be slow. They will have women and children with them. Send out your Warg-riders. [GROWLING] [GRUNTING] Hey, stinker, don't go getting too far ahead. -Why do you do that? -What? Call him names. Run him down all the time. Because. Because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the Ring he wants. It's all he cares about. You have no idea what it did to him what it's still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam. Why? Because I have to believe he can come back. You can't save him, Mr. Frodo. What do you know about it? Nothing! I'm sorry, Sam. I don't know why I said that. I do. It's the Ring. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taken hold of you, Mr. Frodo. -You have to fight it. -I know what I have to do, Sam. The Ring was entrusted to me. It's my task. Mine! My own! Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like? GOLLUM: We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Hobbitses. Wicked. Tricksy. False. SMÉAGOL: No. Not master. GOLLUM: Yes, precious. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie! SMÉAGOL: Master's my friend. GOLLUM: You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you. Not listening. I'm not listening. You're a liar and a thief. No. Murderer. Go away. Go away? I hate you. I hate you. Where would you be without me? Gollum. Gollum. I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me. Not anymore. What did you say? Master looks after us now. We don't need you. What? Leave now and never come back. No. Leave now and never come back. [GROWLS] Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away. And away he goes, precious. Gone! Gone! Gone! Sméagol is free! SMÉAGOL: Look. Look. See what Sméagol finds? [CHUCKLING] They are young. They are tender. They are nice. Yes, they are. Eat them. Eat them! You'll make him sick, you will behaving like that. There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys. [SMÉAGOL SHRIEKING] What's it doing? Stupid, fat Hobbit. It ruins it. What's to ruin? There's hardly any meat on them. What we need is a few good taters. What's taters, precious? What's taters? Eh? Po-ta-toes. Boil them, mash them, stick them in a stew. Lovely, big, golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish. Even you couldn't say no to that. Oh, yes, we could. Spoil a nice fish. Give it to us raw and wriggling. You keep nasty chips. You're hopeless. Mr. Frodo? SAM: Who are they? SMÉAGOL: Wicked Men. Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready. -Ready to do what? -To make his war. The last war that will cover all the world in Shadow. We've got to get moving. Come on, Sam. [OLIPHAUNT GROANS] Mr. Frodo. Look. It's an oliphaunt. No one at home will believe this. [BIRD WHISTLING] Sméagol? [SCREAMING] We've lingered here too long. Come on, Sam. Aye! [GROANING] Bind their hands. GIMLI: It's true, you don't see many Dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance that they're often mistaken for Dwarf men. It's the beards. This, in turn, has given rise to the belief that there are no Dwarf women and that Dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground which is, of course, ridiculous. [GIMLI YELLS] GIMLI: It's all right. Nobody panic. That was deliberate. It was deliberate. ARWEN: The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane. It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. Go to sleep. I am asleep. This is a dream. Then it is a good dream. Sleep. [IN ELVISH] You told me on�e this day would ��me. This is not the end...it is the beginning You must go with Frod�. That is your path. My path is hidden from me. It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now. Arwen.... If you trust nothing else trust this trust us. ÉOWYN: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel. ELROND: Our time here is ending. Arwen's time is ending. Let her go. Let her take the ship into the west. Let her bear away her love for you to the Undying Lands. There it will be ever green. But never more than memory. I will not leave my daughter here to die. -She stays because she still has hope. -She stays for you. She belongs with her people. [IN ELVISH] You have a chance for another life away from war...grief...despair. [IN ENGLISH] Why are you saying this? I am mortal. You are Elf-kind. It was a dream, Arwen. Nothing more. This belongs to you. It was a gift. Keep it. ÉOWYN: My lord? She is sailing to the Undying Lands with all that is left of her kin. [HORSE NEIGHS] What is it? -Háma? -I'm not sure. [YELLING AND ROARING] Wargs! A scout! -What is it? What do you see? -Warg! We're under attack! Get them out of here! All riders to the head of the column. GIMLI: Come on. Get me up here. I'm a rider. Come on! [BARKING] You must lead the people to Helm's Deep, and make haste. -I can fight. -No! You must do this, for me. Follow me! Hyah! GIMLI: Forward. I mean, charge forward. ÉOWYN: Make for the lower ground! -That's it! Go on! -Stay together! [YELLING] GIMLI: Bring your pretty face to my ax. That one counts as mine! Stinking creature. [SNIFFS] [GRUNTING] [GROANS] [YELLS] [GROANS] Aragorn! Aragorn? [LAUGHING] Tell me what happened and I will ease your passing. He's dead. He took a little tumble off the cliff. You lie. [LAUGHING AND CHOKING] Get the wounded on horses. The wolves of Isengard will return. Leave the dead. Come. WOMAN 1: At last! WOMAN 2: Helm's Deep. WOMAN 3: There it is, Helm's Deep. WOMAN 4: We're safe! We're safe, my lady. Thank you. FREDA: Mama! MORWEN: Éothain! Freda! GAMLING: Make way for Théoden. Make way for the king. So few. So few of you have returned. Our people are safe. We have paid for it with many lives. GIMLI: My lady. Lord Aragorn where is he? He fell. Draw all our forces behind the wall. Bar the gate. And set a watch on the surround. GAMLING: What of those who cannot fight, my lord? The women and children? THÉODEN: Get them into the caves. Saruman's arm will have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here. WORMTONGUE: Helm's Deep has one weakness. Its outer wall is solid rock but for a small culvert at its base which is little more than a drain. How? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device could bring down the wall? If the wall is breached, Helm's Deep will fall. Even if it is breached, it would take a number beyond reckoning thousands, to storm the Keep. SARUMAN: Tens of thousands. WORMTONGUE: But, my lord, there is no such force. [HORNS SOUNDING] [ARMY CHEERING] A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand. This night the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive! To war! There will be no dawn for Men. Look. There's smoke to the south. There is always smoke rising from Isengard these days. Isengard? TREEBEARD: There was a time when Saruman would walk in my woods. But now he has a mind of metal and wheels. He no longer cares for growing things. What is it? It's Saruman's army. The war has started. ARWEN: May the grace of the Valar protect you. Brego. ELROND: Arwen. [IN ELVISH] It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now...before it is too late. [IN ENGLISH] I have made my choice. He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope? There is still hope. If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time Aragorn will die. And there will be no comfort for you no comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death an image of the splendor of the kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. Arwen. There is nothing for you here only death. [IN ELVISH] Do I n�t also have your love? You have my love, Father. [GALADRIEL SPEAKING IN ELVISH] GALADRIEL: The power of the enemy is growing. Sauron will use his puppet, Saruman to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The Eye of Sauron now turns to Gondor the last free kingdom of Men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The strength of the Ring-bearer is failing. In his heart, Frodo begins to understand the quest will claim his life. You know this. You have for�seen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of Men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young captain of Gondor has but to e�tend his hand take the Ring for his own, and the world will fall. It is close now. So close to achieving its goal. [ROARING] For Sauron will have dominion over all life on this Earth even unto to the ending of the world. The time of the Elves is over. Do we leave Middle-earth to its fate? Do we let them stand alone? What news? Our scouts report Saruman has attacked Rohan. Théoden's people have fled to Helm's Deep. But we must look to our own borders. Faramir, Orcs are on the move. Sauron is marshaling an army. Easterlings and Southrons are at the Black Gate. -How many? -Some thousands. More come every day. -Who's covering the river to the north? -We pulled 500 men at Osgiliath. If their city is attacked, we won't hold it. FARAMIR: Saruman attacks from Isengard. Sauron from Mordor. The fight will come to Men on both fronts. Gondor is weak. Sauron will strike us soon. And he will strike hard. He knows now we do not have the strength to repel him. My men tell me that you are Orc spies. Spies? Now wait just a minute. Well, if you're not spies, then who are you? Speak. We are Hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name, and this is Samwise Gamgee. Your bodyguard? His gardener. And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature. He had an ill-favored look. There was no other. We set out from Rivendell with seven companions. One we lost in Moria two were my kin a Dwarf there was also. And an Elf and two Men. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor. You're a friend of Boromir? Yes. For my part. It will grieve you then to learn that he is dead. Dead? How? When? As one of his companions, I'd hoped you would tell me. He was my brother. MAN: Captain Faramir! [WHISPERING] We found the third one. [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] You must come with me. Now. Down there. To enter the Forbidden Pool bears the penalty of death. They wait for my command. Shall I shoot? The rock and pool Is nice and cool So juicy sweet Our only wish To catch a fish So juicy sweet [YELLS] Wait. This creature is bound to me. And I to him. He is our guide. Please let me go down to him. Sméagol. Master is here. Come, Sméagol. Trust master. Come. We must go now? Sméagol, you must trust master. Follow me. Come on. Come. Come, Sméagol. Nice Sméagol. That's it. Come on. [FOOTSTEP] Don't hurt him! Sméagol, don't struggle. Sméagol, listen to me. Master! [MUFFLED CRIES] No! No! [GRUNTING AND PANTING] Where are you leading them? [CRYING] FARAMIR: Answer me. GOLLUM: Sméagol. [CRYING] Why does it cry, Sméagol? SMÉAGOL: Cruel Men hurts us. Master tricksed us. GOLLUM: Of course he did. I told you he was tricksy. I told you he was false. SMÉAGOL: Master is our friend. Our friend. GOLLUM: Master betrayed us. SMÉAGOL: No. Not its business. Leave us alone! GOLLUM: Filthy little Hobbitses! They stole it from us! SMÉAGOL: No. No. What did they steal? GOLLUM: My precious! [YELLS] We have to get out of here. You go. Go, now. You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear. I can't. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me but.... I'm sorry. The Ring's taking me, Sam. If I put it on he'll find me. He'll see. Mr. Frodo.... So this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the Wild I have you two Halflings and a host of men at my call. The Ring of Power within my grasp. A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor to show his quality. [VOICE OF THE RING WHISPERING] No! Stop it! Leave him alone. Don't you understand? He's got to destroy it! That's where we're going, into Mordor. To the Mountain of Fire! Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. SAM: Please. It's such a burden. Will you not help him? Captain? Prepare to leave. The Ring will go to Gondor. [DISTANT MARCHING FOOTSTEPS] [SPEAKING IN ELVISH] WOMAN: He's alive! GIMLI: Where is he? Where is he? Get out of the way! I'm going to kill him! You are the luckiest, the canniest and the most reckless man I ever knew. Bless you, lad die. Gimli, where is the king? [IN ELVISH] You're late. [IN ENGLISH] You look terrible. [SPEAKING IN ELVISH] [DOORS OPENING] A great host, you say? -All Isengard is emptied. -How many? ARAGORN: Ten thousand strong at least. Ten thousand? It is an army bred for a single purpose: To destroy the world of Men. They will be here by nightfall. Let them come! I want every man and strong lad able to bear arms to be ready for battle by nightfall. We will cover the causeway and the gate from above. No army has ever breached the Deeping Wall or set foot inside the Hornburg! This is no rabble of mindless Orcs. These are Uruk-hai. Their armor is thick and their shields broad. I have fought many wars, Master Dwarf. I know how to defend my own keep. They will break upon this fortress like water on rock. Saruman's hordes will pillage and burn. We've seen it before. Crops can be resown homes rebuilt. Within these walls we will outlast them. They do not come to destroy Rohan's crops or villages. They come to destroy its people down to the last child. What would you have me do? Look at my men. Their courage hangs by a thread. If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance. ARAGORN: Send out riders, my lord. You must call for aid. And who will come? Elves? Dwarves? We are not so lucky in our friends as you. The old alliances are dead. -Gondor will answer. -Gondor? ! Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? ! Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us? ! Where was Gon--? No, my Lord Aragorn we are alone. Get the women and children into the caves. MAN 1: We need more time to lay provisions-- THÉODEN: There is no time. War is upon us. MAN 2: Secure the gate. [CAWING] We Ents have not troubled about the wars of Men and wizards for a very long time. But now, something is about to happen that has not happened for an age. Entmoot. What's that? It's a gathering. A gathering of what? [RUMBLING] TREEBEARD: Beech. Oak. Chestnut. Ash. Good. Good. Good. Many have come. Now we must decide if the Ents will go to war. GUARD 1: Move back! Move to the caves! GUARD 1: Keep moving. GUARD 2: Quickly now. [BABY CRYING] [MUTED SPEECH] [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY] Farmers, farriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers. -Most have seen too many winters. -Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened. You can see it in their eyes. [IN ELVISH] And they should be.... Three hundred against ten thousand! They have more hope of defending themselves here than at Edoras. Aragorn. They cannot win this fight. They are all going to die! [IN ENGLISH] Then I shall die as one of them! GIMLI: Let him go, lad. Let him be. Every villager able to wield a sword has been sent to the armory. My lord? Who am I, Gamling? You are our king, sire. And do you trust your king? Your men, my lord will follow you to whatever end. To whatever end. Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains. Like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into Shadow. How did it come to this? GUARD: Move! Move to the outer wall. Give me your sword. What is your name? Haleth, son of Háma, my lord. The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless. This is a good sword. Haleth, son of Háma there is always hope. We have trusted you this far. You have not led us astray. Forgive me. I was wrong to despair. [IN ELVISH] There is nothing to forgive, Legolas. We had time, I'd get this adjusted. It's a little tight across the chest. [HORN BLOWING] That is no Orc horn. Send for the king. -Open the gate! GUARD: Open up the gate! How is this possible? I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honor that allegiance. [SPEAKING IN ELVISH] You are most welcome. We are proud to fight alongside Men once more. [MARCHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] [INDISTINCT GRUNTING AND GROWLING] GIMLI: You could have picked a better spot. Well, lad, whatever luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night. [THUNDER ROLLS] Your friends are with you, Aragorn. Let's hope they last the night. [THUNDER RUMBLING] [MARCHING FOOTSTEPS] [BABY CRYING] ARAG�RN [IN ELVISH]: Show them no mercy for you shall receive n�ne! [ROARS] -What's happening out there? -Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box? [URUK-HAI BATTLE CRIES] [IN ELVISH] H�LD! [GROANS] So it begins. [IN ELVISH] Prepare to fire! [IN ELVISH] Their arm our is weak at the neck and beneath the arm. [IN ELVISH] Release arrows! Did they hit anything? Give them a volley. -Fire! -Fire! [SPEAKS IN ELVISH] Send them to me! Come on! [IN ELVISH] Ladders! Good! Swords! Swords! Legolas! Two already! I'm on 17! Huh? I'll have no pointy-ear outscoring me! Nineteen! [ENTS GROANING] Merry. We have just agreed. Yes? I have told your names to the Entmoot and we have agreed you are not Orcs. Well, that's good news. And what about Saruman? Have you come to a decision about him? Now, don't be hasty, Master Meriadoc. Hasty? Our friends are out there. They need our help. They cannot fight this war on their own. War? Yes. It affects us all. But you must understand, young Hobbit it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish and we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say. Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen! Twenty! Twenty-one! Twenty-two and 23! Causeway! [ARAGORN SHOUTS IN ELVISH] Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman? [IN ELVISH] �ring him down, Legolas! [IN ELVISH] Kill him! Kill him! Brace the gate! Hold them! Stand firm! Aragorn! Gimli! [SPEAKING IN ELVISH] Charge! The Ents cannot hold back this storm. We must weather such things as we have always done. How can that be your decision? ! This is not our war. But you're part of this world! Aren't you? ! [ENTS GRUMBLING] You must help. Please. You must do something. You are young and brave, Master Merry. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home. Maybe Treebeard's right. We don't belong here, Merry. It's too big for us. What can we do in the end? We've got the Shire. Maybe we should go home. The fires of Isengard will spread and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And.... And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Pippin. GAMLING: Aragorn! Fall back to the Keep! Get your men out of there! [IN ELVISH] T� the Keep! Pull back to the Keep! Haldir! T� the Keep! GIMLI: What are you doing? What are you stopping for? [SHOUTING IN ELVISH] Haldir! MAN: Brace the gate! Hold them! To the gate. Draw your swords! Make way! We cannot hold much longer! THÉODEN: Hold them! -How long do you need? As long as you can give me. Gimli! Timbers! MAN: Brace the gate! Oh, come on. We can take them. It's a long way. Toss me. -What? -I cannot jump the distance! You'll have to toss me! [STAMMERS] Don't tell the Elf. Not a word. Shore up the door! MAN 1: Make way! MAN 2: Follow me to the barricade. MAN 1: Watch our backs! MAN 3: Throw another one over here! -Higher! MAN 4: Hold fast the gate! Gimli! Aragorn! Get out of there! Aragorn! Pull everybody back. Pull them back. Fall back! Fall back! THÉODEN: They have broken through! The castle is breached. Retreat! GAMLING: Fall back! THÉODEN: Retreat! ARAGORN: Hurry! Inside. Get them inside! THÉODEN: Into the Keep! I will leave you at the western borders of the forest. You can make your way north to your homeland from there. Wait! Stop! Stop! Turn around. -Turn around. Take us south. -South? But that will lead you past Isengard. Yes. Exactly. If we go south, we can slip past Saruman unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing he'll expect. That doesn't make sense to me. But then you are very small. Perhaps you're right. South it is, then. Hold on, little Shirelings. I always like going south. Somehow it feels like going downhill. Are you mad? We'll be caught. No, we won't. Not this time. MAN: Look! Osgiliath burns! Mordor has come. The Ring will not save Gondor. It has only the power to destroy. Please let me go. Hurry. FRODO: Faramir! You must let me go! TREEBEARD: And those little family of field mice that climb up sometimes, and they tickle me awfully. They're always trying to get somewhere where they.... [GASPS] Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known from nut and acorn. I'm sorry, Treebeard. They had voices of their own. Saruman. A wizard should know better! [ROARING] There is no curse in Elvish Entish or the tongues of Men for this treachery. My business is with Isengard tonight with rock and stone. [GROANING AND FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] Yes. TREEBEARD: Come, my friends. The Ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom. Last march of the Ents. Faramir! Orcs have taken the eastern shore. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we will be overrun. Mr. Frodo? It's calling to him, Sam. His Eye is almost on me. Hold on, Mr. Frodo. You'll be all right. [MUTED SPEECH] Take them to my father. Tell him Faramir sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war. Do you want to know what happened to Boromir? You want to know why your brother died? He tried to take the Ring from Frodo after swearing an oath to protect him! He tried to kill him! The Ring drove your brother mad! ITHILIEN RANGER: Watch out! [RUMBLING] Mr. Frodo? They're here. They've come. [RINGWRAITH SCREECHING] Nazgûl! Stay here. Keep out of sight. Take cover! THÉODEN: The fortress is taken. It is over. You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it. They have died defending it. WOMAN 1: They're breaking in! WOMAN 2: They're past the door! Is there no other way for the women and children to get out of the caves? Is there no other way? There is one passage. It leads into the mountains. But they will not get far. The Uruk-hai are too many. Tell the women and children to make for the mountain pass. -And barricade the entrance! -So much death. What can Men do against such reckless hate? Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them. For death and glory. For Rohan. For your people. The sun is rising. GANDALF: Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn look to the east. Yes. Yes. The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the Deep one last time. Yes! Let this be the hour when we draw swords together. Fell deeds, awake. Now for wrath now for ruin and a red dawn. [HORN BLOWS] Forth Eorlingas! [BATTLE CRIES] Gandalf. Théoden King stands alone. Not alone. Rohirrim! Éomer. To the king! Yes! [GRUNTS] [ENTS ROARING] TREEBEARD: A hit. A fine hit. [TREEBEARD GRUNTS] TREEBEARD: Break the dam! Release the river! Pippin! Hold on! Hold on, little Hobbits. What are you doing? Where are you going? [RUMBLING] [ROARING] It's me. It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam? [PANTING] [SWORD CLANGS] I can't do this, Sam. I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? Victory! We have victory! SAM: But in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shin�s, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something. What are we holding on to, Sam? That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for. I think at last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins. You know the laws of our country, the laws of your father. If you let them go, your life will be forfeit. Then it is forfeit. Release them. Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. [RUMBLING] The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little Hobbits somewhere in the wilderness. I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales. What? I wonder if people will ever say, "Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring." And they'll say, "Yes! That's one of my favorite stories." "Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?" "Yes, my boy. The most famousest of Hobbits. And that's saying a lot." Well, you've left out one of the chief characters: "Samwise the Brave." I want to hear more about Sam. Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam. Now, Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious. So was I. "Samwise the Brave." FRODO: Sméagol? SAM: We're not going to wait for you. Come on. Master. Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us. GOLLUM: Master broke his promise. SMÉAGOL: Don't ask Sméagol. Poor, poor Sméagol. Master betrayed us. Wicked. Tricksy. False. We ought to wring his filthy little neck. Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! And then we take the precious and we be the master! But the fat Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching. Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses and make him crawl. Yes. Yes. Yes. Kill them both. Yes. No! No! It's too risky. It's too risky. SAM: Where is he? Where has he gone? -Hey, Gollum! Where are you? FRODO: Sméagol? We could let her do it. Yes. She could do it. Yes, precious, she could. And then we takes it once they're dead. Once they're dead. Shh. Come on, Hobbits. Long ways to go yet. Sméagol will show you the way. Follow me. [THUNDER RUMBLING] - You cannot pass! - Gandalf! I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn! You - shall not - pass! No! No! Gandalf! Fly, you fools. No! Gandalf! Gandalf! What is it, Mr. Frodo? Nothing. Just a dream. The Two Towers Can you see the bottom? No! Don't look down, Sam! Just keep going! Catch it! Grab it, Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! I think I've found the bottom. Bogs and rope, and goodness knows what. It's not natural. None of it. - What's in this? - Nothing. Just a bit of seasoning. I thought maybe if we was having a roast chicken one night or something. Roast chicken? ! You never know. Sam. My dear Sam. It's very special, that. It's the best salt in all the Shire. It is special. It's a little bit of home. We can't leave this here for someone to follow us down. Who's gonna follow us down here, Mr. Frodo? It's a shame, really. Lady Galadriel gave me that. Real Elvish rope. Well, there's nothing for it. It's one of my knots. Won't come free in a hurry. Real Elvish rope. Mordor. The one place in Middle-earth we don't wanna see any closer. And it's the one place we're trying to get to. It's just where we can't get. Let's face it, Mr. Frodo, we're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way. He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam but they did. Mr. Frodo? It's the ring, isn't it? It's getting heavier. - What food have we got left? - Let me see. Oh, yes. Lovely. Lembas bread. And look! More lembas bread. I don't usually hold with foreign food but this Elvish stuff, it's not bad. Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it, Sam? Those rain clouds might. This looks strangely familiar. It's because we've been here before. We're going in circles. What is that horrid stink? I warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. - Can you smell it? - Yes. I can smell it. We're not alone. The thieves. The thieves. The filthy little thieves. Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us. My precious. Curse them, we hates them! It's ours, it is, and we wants it! This is Sting. You've seen it before haven't you, Gollum? Release him or I'll cut your throat. It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted it. - Take it off us! - Quiet, you! It's hopeless. Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket. - Let's just tie him up and leave him. - No! That would kill us! Kill us! It's no more than you deserve! Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him. We be nice to them if they be nice to us. Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears. There's no promise you can make that I can trust. We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on on the precious. Gollum. Gollum. The ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word. Yes on the precious. On the precious. I don't believe you! - Get down! I said, down! - Sam! He's trying to trick us. If we let him go, he'll throttle us in our sleep. - You know the way to Mordor? - Yes. You've been there before? Yes. You will lead us to the black gate. To the gate, to the gate! To the gate, the master says. Yes! No! We won't go back. Not there. Not to him. They can't make us. Gollum! Gollum! But we swore to serve the master of the precious. No. Ashes and dust and thirst there is, and pits, pits, pits. And Orcses, thousands of Orcses. And always the great eye watching, watching. Hey! Come back now! Come back! There! What did I tell you? He's run off, the old villain. So much for his promises. This way, Hobbits. Follow me! Merry! Merry! You're late, our master grows impatient. He wants the Shire-rats now. I don't take orders from Orc-maggots. Saruman will have his prize. We will deliver them. Merry! Merry? Wake up. My friend is sick. He needs water. Please! Sick, is he? Give him some medicine, boys! Stop it! Can't take his draught! - Leave him alone! - Why? You want some? Then keep your mouth shut. Merry. Hello, Pip. - You're hurt. - I'm fine. - It was just an act. - An act? See? I fooled you too. Don't worry about me, Pippin. What is it? What do you smell? Man-flesh. They've picked up our trail. Aragorn. Let's move! Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent. Hurry! Come on, Gimli! Three days and nights pursuit. No food. No rest. And no sign of our quarry, but what bare rock can tell. Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall. They may yet be alive. Less than a day ahead of us. Come. Come, Gimli! We're gaining on them! I'm wasted on cross-country. We dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous over short distances. Rohan. Home of the Horse-lords. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us. Legolas! What do your elf-eyes see? The Uruks turn northeast. They are taking the Hobbits to Isengard. Saruman. The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor? To stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman and the union of the two towers? Together, my Lord Sauron we shall rule this Middle-earth. The old world will burn in the fires of industry. The forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fists of the Orc. I want them armed and ready to march within two weeks! But, my lord, there are too many! They cannot all be armed in time, we don't have the means. Build a dam, block the stream, work the furnaces night and day. We don't have enough fuel to feed the fires. The Forest of Fangorn lies on our doorstep. - Burn it. - Yes. We will fight for you. Swear it. We will die for Saruman. The Horse-Men took your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch a living off rocks. Murderers! Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village! We have only to remove those who oppose us. It will begin in Rohan. Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more. Èothain! Èothain! You take your sister. You'll go faster with just two. Papa says Èothain must not ride Garulf. He is too big for him. Listen to me. You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. - Do you understand me? - Yes, Mama. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go, Mama. Freda, I will find you there. Quickly! Go, child. Rohan, my lord is ready to fall. Théodred. Find the king's son! - Mordor will pay for this. - These Orcs are not from Mordor. My Lord Èomer, over here! He's alive. Théodred. Your son is badly wounded, my lord. He was ambushed by Orcs. If we don't defend our country, Saruman will take it by force. That is a lie. Saruman the White has ever been our friend and ally. Gríma. Gríma. Gríma. Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Killing at will. Orcs bearing the White Hand of Saruman. Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your uncle is wearied by your malcontent your warmongering. Warmongering? How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Gríma? When all the men are dead, you will take your share of the treasure? Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps. You see much, Èomer, son of Èomund. Too much. You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan and all its domains under pain of death. You have no authority here. Your orders mean nothing. This order does not come from me. It comes from the king. He signed it this morning. Keep breathing. That's the key. Breathe. They've run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them. We're not going no further until we've had a breather. Get a fire going! Merry! Merry! I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin. What's making that noise? It's the trees. What? You remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall and come alive. Alive? Trees that could whisper talk to each other even move. I'm starving. We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days. Yeah! Why can't we have some meat? ! What about them? They're fresh. They are not for eating. What about their legs? They don't need those. - They look tasty. - Get back, scum! The prisoners go to Saruman. Alive and unspoiled. Alive? Why alive? Do they give good sport? They have something. An Elvish weapon. The master wants it for the war. They think we have the ring. As soon as they find out we don't, we're dead. Just a mouthful a bit of the flank. Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys. Pippin. Let's go. Go on. Call for help. Squeal. No one's going to save you now. Pippin! A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night. Riders of Rohan what news from the mark? What business does an Elf, a Man and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly! Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine. I would cut off your head, Dwarf if it stood but a little higher from the ground. You would die before your stroke fell. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Glóin, and Legolas of the Woodland Realm. We are friends of Rohan and of Théoden...your king. Théoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin. Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claimed lordship over these lands. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere, his spies slip past our nets. We are no spies. We track a party of Uruk-hai westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive. The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night. But there were two Hobbits. Did you see two Hobbits with them? They would be small. Only children to your eyes. We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them. Dead? I am sorry. Hasufel! Arod! May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell. Look for your friends. But do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride north! It's one of their wee belts. Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath. (May they find peace after death.) We failed them. A Hobbit lay here. And the other. They crawled. Their hands were bound. Their bonds were cut. They ran over here. They were followed. The belt! Run! Tracks lead away from the battle into Fangorn Forest. Fangorn? What madness drove them in there? Did we lose him? I think we lost him. I'm going to rip out your filthy little innards! Come here! Trees. Climb a tree. He's gone. Merry! Let's put a maggot hole in your belly! Run, Merry! Little Orcs - Búrarum. It's talking, Merry, the tree is talking. Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent. A tree-herder. A shepherd of the forest. Don't talk to it, Merry. Don't encourage it! Treebeard, some call me. And whose side are you on? Side? I am on nobody's side because nobody's on my side, little Orc. Nobody cares for the woods anymore. We're not Orcs! We're Hobbits! Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me! They come with fire. They come with axes. Gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning! - Destroyers and usurpers! Curse them! - No! You don't understand. We're Hobbits! Halflings! Shire-folk! Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know. The White Wizard? Saruman. See? See? We've led you out. Hurry, Hobbitses. Hurry! Very lucky we find you. Nice Hobbit. It's a bog. He's led us into a swamp. A swamp, yes, yes. Come, master. We will take you on safe paths through the mist. Come, Hobbits! Come! We go quickly. I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don't use it. Orcs don't know it. They go 'round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Soft and quick as shadows we must be. I hate this place. It's too quiet. There's been no sight nor sound of a bird for two days. No, no birdses to eat. No crunchable birdses. We are famished! Yes! Famished we are, precious! Here. What does it eats? Is it tasty? It tries to chokes us! We can't eats Hobbit food! We must starve! Well, starve, then. And good riddance! Oh, cruel Hobbit. It does not care if we be hungry. Does not care if we should die. Not like master. Master cares. Master knows. Yes. Precious. Once it takes a hold of us it never lets go. Don't touch me! There are dead things! Dead faces in the water. All dead. All rotten. Elves and Men and Orcses. A great battle long ago. Dead Marshes. Yes. Yes, that is their name. This way. Don't follow the lights. Careful now! Or Hobbits go down to join the dead ones and light little candles of their own. ...Tangado haid! Frodo! - Gollum? - Don't follow the lights. - Gollum! - Mr. Frodo! Are you all right? So bright. So beautiful. Our precious. What did you say? Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his strength. - Who are you? - Mustn't ask us. Not its business. Gollum. Gollum. Gandalf told me you were one of the river-folk. Cold be heart and hand and bone Cold be travelers far from home He said your life was a sad story. They do not see what lies ahead When sun has failed and moon is dead You were not so very different from a Hobbit once. Were you? Sméagol. What did you call me? That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago. My name. My name. Sméagol. Black Riders! Hide! Hide! Come on, Frodo. Come on! Quick! They will see us! They will see us! - I thought they were dead. - Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No. Wraiths! Wraiths on wings! They are calling for it. They are calling for the precious. Mr. Frodo! It's all right. I'm here. Hurry, Hobbits. The Black Gate is very close. Orc blood. These are strange tracks. The air is so close in here. This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory and anger. The trees are speaking to each other. Gimli! Lower your ax. They have feelings, my friend. The Elves began it. Waking up the trees...teaching them to speak. Talking trees. What do trees have to talk about? Except the consistency of squirrel droppings. Aragorn, nad no ennas! (Aragorn, something is out there! ) Man cenich? (What do you see? ) The White Wizard approaches. Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us. We must be quick. You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits. Where are they? They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you? Who are you? Show yourself! It cannot be. Forgive me. I mistook you for Saruman. I am Saruman. Or rather, Saruman as he should have been. You fell. Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the Earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done. Gandalf. Gandalf? Yes. That was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. Gandalf. I am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. One stage of your journey is over, another begins. - We must travel to Edoras with all speed. - Edoras? That is no short distance! We hear of trouble in Rohan. It goes ill with the king. Yes, and it will not be easily cured. Then we have run all this way for nothing? Are we to leave those poor Hobbits here in this horrid, dark, dank tree-infested? I mean, charming quite charming forest. It was more than mere chance that brought Merry and Pippin to Fangorn. A great power has been sleeping here for many long years. The coming of Merry and Pippin will be like the falling of small stones that starts an avalanche in the mountains. In one thing you have not changed, dear friend. You still speak in riddles. A thing is about to happen that has not happened since the Elder Days. The Ents are going to wake up and find that they are strong. - Strong? ! Oh, that's good. So stop your fretting, Master Dwarf. Merry and Pippin are quite safe. In fact, they are far safer than you are about to be. This new Gandalf's more grumpy than the old one. That is one of the Mearas unless my eyes are cheated by some spell. Shadowfax. He is the lord of all horses and has been my friend through many dangers. "O rowan mine I saw you shine Upon a summer's day Upon your head how golden-red The crown you bore aloft." Such a beautiful verse. - Is it much further? - Búrarum. Don't be hasty. You might call it far, perhaps. My home lies deep in the forest near the roots of the mountain. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe. And safe is where I'll keep you. I believe you will enjoy this next one too. It's one of my own compositions. Right. "Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves And the dreams of trees unfold When woodland halls are green and cool And the wind is in the West Come back to me Come back to me And say my land is best." Sleep, little Shirelings. Heed no nightly noise. Sleep till morning light. I have business in the forest. There are many to call. Many that must come. The shadow lies on Fangorn. The withering of all woods is drawing near. The veiling shadow that glowers in the east takes shape. Sauron will suffer no rival. From the summit of Barad-dûr, his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. Doubt ever gnaws at him. The rumor has reached him. The heir of Númenor still lives. Sauron fears you, Aragorn. He fears what you may become. And so he'll strike hard and fast at the world of Men. He will use his puppet Saruman to destroy Rohan. War is coming. Rohan must defend itself, and therein lies our first challenge for Rohan is weak and ready to fall. The king's mind is enslaved, it's an old device of Saruman's. His hold over King Théoden is now very strong. Sauron and Saruman are tightening the noose. But for all their cunning we have one advantage. The ring remains hidden. And that we should seek to destroy it has not yet entered their darkest dreams. And so the weapon of the enemy is moving towards Mordor in the hands of a Hobbit. Each day brings it closer to the fires of Mount Doom. We must trust now in Frodo. Everything depends upon speed and the secrecy of his quest. Do not regret your decision to leave him. Frodo must finish this task alone. He's not alone. Sam went with him. Did he? Did he, indeed? Good. Yes, very good. The Black Gate of Mordor. Oh, save us. My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he could see us now. Master says to show him the way into Mordor. So good Sméagol does, master says so. I did. That's it, then. We can't get past that. Look! The gate. It's opening! I can see a way down. Sam, no! Master! - I do not ask you to come with me, Sam. - I know, Mr. Frodo. I doubt even these Elvish cloaks will hide us in there. - Now! - No! No! No, master! They catch you! They catch you! Don't take it to him. He wants the precious. Always he is looking for it. And the precious is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn't let him have it. No! There's another way. More secret. A dark way. - Why haven't you spoken of this before? - Because master did not ask. He's up to something. Are you saying there's another way into Mordor? Yes. There's a path and some stairs. And then a tunnel. He's led us this far, Sam. Mr. Frodo, no. He's been true to his word. No. Lead the way, Sméagol. Good Sméagol always helps. Hello? Treebeard? Where has he gone? I had the loveliest dream last night. There was this large barrel, full of pipe-weed. And we smoked all of it. And then you were sick. I'd give anything for a whiff of Old Toby. Did you hear that? There it is again. Something's not right here. Not right at all. You just said something... Treeish. No, I didn't. I was just stretching. You're taller. - Who? - You! - Than what? - Than me! I've always been taller than you. Pippin, everyone knows I'm the tall one. You're the short one. Please, Merry. You're what? 3 foot, 6"? At the most? Whereas me, I'm pushing 3'7". 3'8"! 3 foot 8"? You did something. Merry, don't! Don't drink it! Merry! No, Treebeard said that you shouldn't have any. - I want some! - It could well be dangerous! Give me it back. Merry! What's happening? ! It's got my leg! Merry! Help! Away with you. You should not be waking. Eat earth. Dig deep. Drink water. Go to sleep. Away with you. Come, the forest is waking up. It isn't safe. The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their hearts. Black are their thoughts. Strong is their hate. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us Ents left to manage them. Why are there so few of you when you have lived so long? - Are there Ent children? - Búrarum. There have been no Entings for a terrible long count of years. - Why is that? - We lost the Entwives. Oh, I'm sorry. - How did they die? - Die? No. We lost them. And now we cannot find them. I don't suppose you've seen Entwives in the Shire? Can't say that I have. You, Pip? What do they look like? I don't remember now. Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld. There dwells Théoden, King of Rohan whose mind is overthrown. Saruman's hold over King Théoden is now very strong. My lord, your son he is dead. My lord? Uncle? Will you not go to him? Will you do nothing? Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here. Oh, he must have died sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. I understand. His passing is hard to accept. Especially now that your brother has deserted you. Leave me alone, snake! Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to the darkness in the bitter watches of the night when all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower closing in about you. A hutch to trammel some wild thing in. So fair. So cold. Like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter's chill. Your words are poison. You'll find more cheer in a graveyard. I cannot allow you before Théoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame. By order of Gríma Wormtongue. Your staff. You would not part an old man from his walking stick. My lord, Gandalf the Grey is coming. He's a herald of woe. The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late Théoden King. He's not welcome. Why should I welcome you Gandalf Stormcrow? A just question, my liege. Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell I name him. Ill news is an ill guest. Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I have not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm. His staff. I told you to take the wizard's staff. Théoden son of Théngel too long have you sat in the shadows. I would stay still if I were you. Harken to me! I release you from the spell. You have no power here Gandalf the Grey. I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound. Wait. If I go, Théoden dies. You did not kill me you will not kill him. Rohan is mine. Be gone. I know your face. Èowyn. Èowyn. Gandalf? Breathe the free air again, my friend. Dark have been my dreams of late. Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped your sword. I've only ever served you, my lord. Your leechcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast! Send me not from your sight. No, my lord! No, my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been spilt on his account. Get out of my way! Hail, Théoden King! Where is Théodred? Where is my son? "Bealocwealm... ("An evil death...) ...hafað fréone frecan forth onsended... (...has set forth the noble warrior...) ...giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende." (... A song shall sing sorrowing minstrels.") "On Meduselde þæt he ma no wære... ("In Meduseld that he is no more...) ...is þurh niedig rest." (...for his necessary rest.") "And mægen deorost... (And that he is the dearest kinsman...) ...bealo..." (...killing took him...") Simbelmynë. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see the last days of my house. Théodred's death was not of your making. No parent should have to bury their child. He was strong in life. His spirit will find its way to the halls of your fathers. "Westu hái." ("Be thou well.") "Ferðu, Théodred, Ferðu." ("Go thou, Théodred, go thou.) They had no warning. They were unarmed. Now the Wild Men are moving through the Westfold, burning as they go. Rick, cot and tree. Where is Mama? This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash. All the more potent, for he is driven now by fear of Sauron. Ride out and meet him head on. Draw him away from your women and children. You must fight. You have 2000 good men riding north as we speak. Èomer is loyal to you. His men will return and fight for their king. They will be 300 leagues from here by now. Èomer cannot help us. I know what it is you want of me but I will not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war. Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not. When last I looked Théoden, not Aragorn, was king of Rohan. Then what is the king's decision? By order of the king the city must empty. We make for the refuge of Helm's Deep. Do not burden yourself with treasures. Take only what provisions you need. Helm's Deep. They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight. Who will defend them if not their king? He's only doing what he thinks is best for his people. Helm's Deep has saved them in the past. There is no way out of that ravine. Théoden is walking into a trap. He thinks he's leading them to safety. What they will get is a massacre. Théoden has a strong will, but I fear for him. I fear for the survival of Rohan. He will need you before the end, Aragorn. The people of Rohan will need you. The defenses have to hold. They will hold. The Grey Pilgrim. That's what they used to call me. Three hundred lives of Men I've walked this earth, and now I have no time. With luck, my search will not be in vain. Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east. Go. Brego! That horse is half mad, my lord. There's nothing you can do. Leave him. - Fæste ... stille nú. ( - Fast ... quiet now.) Fæste ... stille nú. (Fast ... quiet now.) Stille ... stille ... stille. (Quiet ... quiet ... quiet.) Lac is drefed, gefrægon. (A battle is stirred up, they heard.) Hwæt nemnað ðe? (What is your name? ) His name is Brego. He was my cousin's horse. Brego? Ðin nama is cynglic. (Your name is kingly.) Man le trasta, Brego? (What troubles you, Brego? ) Man cenich? (What did you see? ) I have heard of the magic of Elves but I did not look for it in a Ranger from the North. You speak as one of their own. I was raised in Rivendell for a time. Turn this fellow free. He's seen enough of war. Gandalf the White. Gandalf the Fool! Does he seek to humble me with his newfound piety? There were three who followed the wizard. An Elf, a Dwarf and a Man. You stink of horse. The Man was he from Gondor? - No, from the North. One of the Dúnedain Rangers, I thought he was. His cloth was poor. And yet he bore a strange ring. Two serpents with emerald eyes. One devouring, the other crowned with golden flowers. The Ring of Barahir. So Gandalf Greyhame thinks he has found Isildur's heir. The lost king of Gondor - He is a fool. The line was broken years ago. It matters not. The world of Men shall fall. It will begin at Edoras. I am ready, Gamling. Bring my horse. This is not a defeat. We will return. We will return. You have some skill with a blade. Women of this country learned long ago: "Those without swords can still die upon them." I fear neither death nor pain. What do you fear, my lady? A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire. You're a daughter of kings a shieldmaiden of Rohan. I do not think that would be your fate. Théoden will not stay at Edoras. It's vulnerable. He knows this. He will expect an attack on the city. They will flee to Helm's Deep the great fortress of Rohan. It is a dangerous road to take through the mountains. They will be slow. They will have women and children with them. Send out your Warg Riders. Hey, stinker, don't go getting too far ahead. - Why do you do that? - What? Call him names. Run him down all the time. Because. Because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the Ring he wants. It's all he cares about. You have no idea what it did to him what it's still doing to him. I want to help him, Sam. Why? Because I have to believe he can come back. You can't save him, Mr. Frodo. What do you know about it? Nothing! I'm sorry, Sam. I don't know why I said that. I do. It's the Ring. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taken hold of you, Mr. Frodo. - You have to fight it. - I know what I have to do, Sam. The Ring was entrusted to me. It's my task. Mine! My own! Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like? We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Hobbitses. Wicked. Tricksy. False. No. Not master. Yes, precious. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie! Master's my friend. You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you. Not listening. I'm not listening. You're a liar and a thief. No. Murderer. Go away. Go away? I hate you. I hate you. Where would you be without me? Gollum. Gollum. I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me. Not anymore. What did you say? Master looks after us now. We don't need you. What? Leave now and never come back. No. Leave now and never come back. Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away. And away he goes, precious. Gone! Gone! Gone! Sméagol is free! Look. Look, see what Sméagol finds? They are young. They are tender. They are nice. Yes, they are. Eat them. Eat them! You'll make him sick, you will behaving like that. There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys. What's it doing? Stupid, fat Hobbit. It ruins it. What's to ruin? There's hardly any meat on them. What we need is a few good taters. What's taters, precious? What's taters - Eh? Po-ta-toes. Boil them, mash them, stick them in a stew. Lovely, big, golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish. Even you couldn't say no to that. Oh, yes, we could. Spoil a nice fish. Give it to us raw and wriggling. You keep nasty chips. You're hopeless. Mr. Frodo? - Who are they? - Wicked Men. Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready. - Ready to do what? - To make his war. The last war that will cover all the world in shadow. We've got to get moving. Come on, Sam. Mr. Frodo. Look. It's an Oliphant. No one at home will believe this. Sméagol? We've lingered here too long. Come on, Sam. Wait! We're innocent travelers! There are no travelers in this land. Only servants of the Dark Tower. We are bound to an errand of secrecy. Those that claim to oppose the enemy would do well not to hinder us. The enemy? His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem. You wonder what his name is where he came from. And if he was really evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from home. If he would not rather have stayed there in peace. War will make corpses of us all. Bind their hands. It's true, you don't see many Dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance that they're often mistaken for Dwarf men. It's the beards. And this, in turn, has given rise to the belief that there are no Dwarf women and the Dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground which is, of course, ridiculous. It's all right, it's all right. Nobody panic. That was deliberate. It was deliberate. I haven't seen my niece smile for a long time. She was a girl, when they brought her father back dead. Cut down by Orcs. She watched her mother succumb to grief. And she was left alone, to tend her king in growing fear. Doomed to wait upon an old man, who should have loved her as a father. Gimli. Oh No, I couldn't I really couldn't. I made some stew. It isn't much, but it's hot. Thank you. - It's good. - Really? My uncle told me a strange thing. He said that you rode to war with Théngel, my grandfather But he must be mistaken. King Théoden has a good memory. He was only a small child at the time. Then you must be at least 60. 70? But you cannot be 80! ? 87. You are one of the Dúnedain. A descendant of Númenor, blessed with long life. It was said that your race had passed into legend. There are few of us left. The Northern Kingdom was destroyed long ago. I'm sorry. Please, eat. The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane. It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. Go to sleep. I am asleep. This is a dream. Then it is a good dream. Sleep. Minlû pedich nin... (You told me once...) ...i aur hen telitha. (...this day would come.) Ú i vethed...nâ i onnad. (This is not the end...it is the beginning.) Boe bedich go Frodo. (You must go with Frodo.) Han bâd lîn. (That is your path.) Dolen i vâd o nin. (My path is hidden from me.) Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. (It is already laid before your feet.) Si boe ú-dhannathach. (You cannot falter now.) Arwen... Ae ú-esteliach nad... (If you trust nothing else...) ...estelio han... (...trust this...) Estelio ammen. (Trust us.) Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel. Our time here is ending. Arwen's time is ending. Let her go. Let her take the ship into the west. Let her bear away her love for you to the Undying Lands. There it will be ever green. But never more than memory. I will not leave my daughter here to die. - She stays because she still has hope. - She stays for you. She belongs with her people. Nach gwannatha sin? (Is this how you leave? ) Ma nathach hi gwannathach... (Did you think you could slip away at...) ...or minuial archened? (...at first light unnoticed? ) Ú-ethelithon. (I will not be coming back.) Estelio guru lîn ne dagor. (You underestimate your skill in battle.) Ethelithach. (You will come back.) Ú-bedin o gurth ne dagor. (It is not of death in battle that I speak.) O man pedich? (What do you speak of? ) Edra le men, men na guil edwen (You have a chance for another life...) ...haer o auth...a nîr a naeth. (...away from war...grief, despair.) Why are you saying this? I am mortal. You are Elf-kind. It was a dream, Arwen. Nothing more. I don't believe you. This belongs to you. It was a gift. Keep it. My lord? She is sailing to the Undying Lands with all that is left of her kin. What is it? - Háma? - I'm not sure. Wargs! A scout! - What is it? What do you see? - Warg! We're under attack! Get them out of here! All riders to the head of the column. Come on. Get me up here. I'm a rider. Come on! You must lead the people to Helm's Deep, and make haste. - I can fight. - No! You must do this, for me. Follow me! - Forward. I mean, charge forward. - Make for the lower ground! - That's it! Go on! - Stay together! Bring your pretty face to my ax. That one counts as mine! Stinking creature. Aragorn! Aragorn? Tell me what happened and I will ease your passing. He's dead. He took a little tumble off the cliff. You lie. Get the wounded on horses. The wolves of Isengard will return. Leave the dead. Come. - At last! - Helm's Deep. There it is, Helm's Deep. We're safe! We're safe, my lady. Thank you. - Mama! - Éothain! Freda! - Where is the rest? - This is all we could save, my lady. Take it to the caves. Make way for the king! Make way for Théoden! Make way for the king! So few...so few of you have returned. Our people are safe. We have paid for it with many lives. My lady. Lord Aragorn where is he? He fell. Draw all our forces behind the wall. Bar the gate and set a watch on the surround. What of those who cannot fight, my lord? The women and children? Get them into the caves. Saruman's arm will have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here. Helm's Deep has one weakness. Its outer wall is solid rock but for a small culvert at its base which is little more than a drain. How? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device could bring down the wall? If the wall is breached, Helm's Deep will fall. Even if it is breached, it would take a number beyond reckoning thousands, to storm the Keep. Tens of thousands. But, my lord, there is no such force. A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand. This night the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive! To war! There will be no dawn for Men. Look. There's smoke to the south. There is always smoke rising from Isengard these days. Isengard? There was a time when Saruman would walk in my woods. But now he has a mind of metal and wheels. He no longer cares for growing things. What is it? It's Saruman's army. The war has started. May the grace of the Valar protect you. Brego. Arwen. Tollen i lû. (It is time.) I chair gwannar na Valannor. (The ships are leaving for Valinor.) Si bado, no círar. (Go now...before it is too late.) I have made my choice. He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope? There is still hope. If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time Aragorn will die. And there will be no comfort for you no comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death an image of the splendor of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. Arwen. There is nothing for you here only death. A im ú-'erin veleth lîn? (Do I not also have your love? ) Gerich meleth nîn, ada. (You have my love, father.) I amar prestar aen. (The world is changed.) Han mathon ne nen. (I feel it in the water.) Han mathon ne chae, (I feel it in the earth,) a han noston ned 'wilith. (and I smell it in the air.) The power of the enemy is growing. Sauron will use his puppet, Saruman to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The Eye of Sauron now turns to Gondor the last free Kingdom of Men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The strength of the Ring-bearer is failing. In his heart, Frodo begins to understand the quest will claim his life. You know this. You have foreseen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of Men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young captain of Gondor has but to extend his hand take the Ring for his own, and the world will fall. It is close now. So close to achieving its goal. For Sauron will have dominion over all life on this Earth even unto to the ending of the world. The time of the Elves is over. Do we leave Middle-earth to its fate? Do we let them stand alone? What news? Our scouts report Saruman has attacked Rohan. Théoden's people have fled to Helm's Deep. But we must look to our own borders. Faramir, Orcs are on the move. Sauron is marshaling an army. Easterlings and Southrons are at the Black Gate. - How many? - Some thousands. More come every day. - Who's covering the river to the north? - We pulled 500 men at Osgiliath. If their city is attacked, we won't hold it. Saruman attacks from Isengard. Sauron from Mordor. The fight will come to Men on both fronts. Gondor is weak. Sauron will strike us soon. And he will strike hard. He knows now we do not have the strength to repel him. My men tell me that you are Orc spies. Spies? Now wait just a minute. Well, if you're not spies, then who are you? Speak. We are Hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name, and this is Samwise Gamgee. Your bodyguard? His gardener. And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature. He had an ill-favored look. There was no other. We set out from Rivendell with seven companions. One we lost in Moria two were my kin a Dwarf there was also and an Elf and two Men. Aragorn, son of Arathorn and Boromir of Gondor. You're a friend of Boromir? Yes. For my part. It will grieve you then to learn that he is dead. Dead? How? When? As one of his companions, I'd hoped you would tell me. If something has happened to Boromir, we would have you tell us. His horn washed up upon the riverbank, about six days past. It was cloven in two. But more than this, I know it in my heart. He was my brother. Boromir! Boromir! This city was once the jewel of our kingdom. A place of light and beauty and music. A few dimes won't make me a millionaire Whatever you do won't make me rich Even if you stop eating you won't stop me from spending on you You are such a handful No wonder Dad never liked you No one can put up with you What a temper The tumour in her brain is quite big It has to be removed right away Her brain cells are also shrinking rapidly But the surgery might make it worse What is the prognosis? Senile dementia She might even become a vegetable Have you come across similar cases? In the worst cases we had patients who were not able to recognise anyone One even ate her own faces One picked food from garbage Isn't there a cure? We can remove the tumour But we can't stop the brains cells from dying What should we do? Check her in right away In my memory, she had never been sick Even when she was she took care of herself I never took much care of her I had to pull a lot of strings to get her admitted to that specialist hospital Doesn't it cost over 10,000 yuan? It does But I have no choice We've just paid Shubao's tuition You should try to get a loan I can't ask for a loan from my subordinates How long does this trip take? I'll be back in a month I came to say goodbye I'm going to the hospital tomorrow I wonder if I can see you again Of course you can You'll be up and about very soon Come have a seat They said it is a minor surgery How's your new apartment coming along? Fine Have you been there to see? Not yet There's a lot of work being done We'll move there as soon as I get out of the hospital Your writer daughter is wonderful She sent you granddaughter to study in the U. S And she takes such good care of you I envy you You have your family around you My daughter does take care of me But she is always so busy I try not to bother her with anything If I need help I'd rather come to you Anything we can do, just let me know Could you take care of my cat? She is well trained Pisses only in the bowl Don't worry. We'll take care of her This admission business is not easy She must be stressed out by this She's pulled a lot of strings you know This is so difficult even for her Can't imagine what the poor people can do All set This must have cost you a lot I must have broken your bank Stop imagining things You have more imagination than a writer Too much hassle What do I do now? What do I do in a school? Shall I sit on the sofa or what? I'm discombobulated This is a hospital, not a school You are a patient. You lie down Make yourself comfortable Your mother's physical condition and her preparation for the surgery don't look good She might not be able to survive it That's why we seldom operate on people over 80 The general anaesthesia may knock her out for good or damage her brain permanently You've got to think twice If you insist to go ahead we'll do all possible to cure her Without the operation how long can she live? A month or two perhaps Or a year or two The operation does not help much Without it, she just goes blind You're terrifying me I can't sign this now Can't you talk to your family first? No Her daughter is in the U. S Her husband may give his opinion But it is her who calls the shot eventually I can't make up my mind What would you do if it were your own mother? I will talk to my mother No patient can take that dose of reality My mother is a strong person Wait. Since Director Luo agrees to take the case he knows he can do it No surgeon wants to kill his patient It's his job to give you the worst case scenario What if something goes wrong What if we forget the surgery? The tumour may rupture, and bleed She may get a stroke, or go blind it'll be too late to operate on her then But Dr. Luo said the surgery can only stop her from going blind He said my mother's brain is like tofu anyway The brain cells are indeed dying But it is sclerosis The surgery is not making holes in her brain When the frontal lobe is held up it is held up by soft instruments We don't hold it up with bare hands What if she becomes a vegetable? It might happen when both frontals are turned over But we'll do only her right frontal So it's not likely to happen... What to do now? Shall I go ahead? She is so old What if she can't survive it? Well, it's your decision I don't know what to do You never listen to me anyway I couldn't lie to my mother She always knew my mind You can do without the surgery It can save only your eyesight I can be your eyes if you go blind Though the doctors said the brain surgery is a minor one your age compounds the situation You don't have to take the risk I do I insist I want to live with some quality of life I'll sign the papers if I have to You cannot Listen to your mother, for a change So I have never listened to you This only proves that I have been wrong... Put it behind us. Don't dig up dirt I'll talk to the surgeon I want my life back I want the surgery We'll consider your wish Thank you You have just become part of my family I knew she was not going to live forever But if the surgery could make her live just a bit longer and better we'd take the chance Oh, I miss you so much Can you come home? I can't. Exams are coming up Are you all right, Mum? Nan misses you Your going away has traumatised her But she is O.K., isn't she? How are you? I miss you a lot Otherwise, I'm fine I'll come home after the exams Take care I love you too Bye I am lucky to have a daughter like you and a good granddaughter Both of you are so good to me Makes all the hardship worthwhile Let's have a talk Shubao is going to get married next year She wants all of us to go to the U.S. For her wedding So you've got to make a nice suit for me Chinese style top And an ankle length skirt When we go there we'll tour around Eat properly when the family is not around You are a big girl now with a brilliant daughter I have nothing to worry about Time heals all wounds I've been lonely all my life I know Shall I get Shubao to come to see you? No, She's only starting her new life In any case, the air ticket is costly She's got studies to do I'll be around for at least 5 years won't I? If something terrible happens to me tell Shubao to stay put Her coming back can't change anything I don't want her to risk air travel Tell your daughter as long as she is obedient to you I'll lie in peace Oh, Mother Come now Don't cry We all die sooner or later I can't die I've got to look after you Bathing Mum was a pleasure After every bath Mum looked so clean and so fresh She had this content in her smile Her happy face was proof of the old saying Good fortunes come with age I became more guilty conscious of leaving Mum to someone else's care My parents are on the way I have sent a car to fetch you so you can meet them at the station I can't Why did you bring them over now? I can't stop them from coming to see me My mother is going under the knife tomorrow I may not able to see her again Couldn't you be a bit more considerate? I'll take them around when they are here Patient No.3 you have to get up soon for the preparation and shaving What is that? We've got to shave you Go get your Auntie here quick She is not around Well, find her She said she would be back soon Nurse, my daughter is not here We don't need your daughter Are you going to shave it all off? Of course, for the surgery Get yourself ready for it Yue, get a camera I want to take a picture before I go bald Hurry up When the barber shows up it'll be too late Grannie wants some shooting Shooting what? Pictures What's the number? A little bit to your left Move, to your left O. K, now, stay still Stop Let's get outside, under the sun Don't move3, 2, done Good There you are, your picture Shake it for a few minutes it'll come alive High tech A pretty good picture that was Thank you It's been 8 hours Where is the image? I shouldn't have gone outside The sun has melted it I'm sorry we caused you trouble No trouble at all We're delighted Is your mother well? She's fine Is she still living in that house? She'll be moving soon I haven't seen her for 6 years I look forward to seeing her again Do some sightseeing first Beijing has changed a lot over these years I'll take you to see Mum later Great. I've brought her a lot of stuff How do I look? Bald Help me to the washroom Are you afraid of the surgery? No, not at all. It's. God's will Do I look like your grandpa? You sure do Can you get me a mirror? You'll be fined for looking into a mirror No way You are as pretty as ever I have never seen an 80-year old as smart and pretty as you are I have not left you any fortunes You gave me a life That's the best legacy The next day she'd go under the knife She didn't mention a word about her fears Not a word I was relieved that she was not nervous However, the way she accepted her fate and her possible departure made me sad Don't worry You've got your favourite Dr. Luo here If it hurts, bear it with a grin Don't scream If you terrify the doctors It's no good for the surgery The anesthesiologist might want to give you a heavy dose You can't go in Relax, Mum The operation went very well It was over in two hours Till this day I can clearly remember how Dr. Luo's face glowed with excitement Auntie It went very well Thank you so much Mum, can you see me? She looks so blue That's normal That's blood clots that can't be sucked out What is that dent on her skull? That's normal too Some patients got a big lump where we drill the skull You've got to be fair She is my only child This marriage is against my will Why did you give me these pants? The drainage bag should be higher You're draining too much out of her Look at me Remember me? Thank you, sir Let her rest Call me if anything comes up Of course I remember him He is the headmaster of the primary school Does your head hurt? No Do you feel queasy? No How many fingers are there? Three And this? Four You should not have stripped me And lay me on that table You are my daughter You shouldn't have made me an idiot I'm really upset with you That was for the operation We've got to prepare you for it I'm not upset with the doctors Don't you see? Stay in bed, Mum If you fall, you'll be in trouble Do you want to have some congee? I am dying to have anything Why didn't you say so earlier? The doctors were all over me just now I can't eat while they are here They might be hungry too I can't eat when the headmaster is not eating. If I can't bear it any longer I can eat some of the computer How I want to get off the bed Just stand on your own feet You can do it There you are There's nothing wrong with your feet You are recovered You just need some exercise Don't push She's just had an operation How old is she? 80 And she survives an operation Amazing Everything went so well Most patients have edema hematoma Infection or fever after the operation You have none of that I did have a temperature 37.5 degress But it went down Both of us were blown away by the success In hindsight, it was in fact the prelude to something disastrous I was so thrilled about the recovery That I thought it was a piece of my work What do I know about the twists and turns of life Get out of here quick The place is haunted Come on, girl Move Go That's for your own good What do you mean I didn't tell the truth? Look here I have told you everything What's wrong with the computer? It is writing something ...about rice Mum, are you all right? Yes I feel awful I have to wee I can't do it Just squeeze your legs Squeeze harder Come on Hold me Oh, no What? Got caught Don't pull my legs so hard Do you really have to go every minute? Why are you doing this to me? Can't you hold longer? Can't you wait? I can't do it Forget it Use the potty I want to turn on my right I want to turn on my right I need to go Piss into the pot No I need to go to the toilet I need to go to the toilet I'll go by myself Hold it for a while Don't go until you can't hold anymore You'd get into the habit of going every minute Was she senile or was she not? If she hadn't lost her mind why did she torture me? If she was senile how come she knew how to pee into the pot? I don't feel well I don't feel well I'm talking to you. I need to turn I've just straightened the covers Nice and tidy over the quilt Look what you've done Can't you pull the whole thing up? I want only one side of it You'll fall off the bed This is like a jail I don't want it Don't want it What if you fall? This is like being in a jail I'm out of here When you come to your senses I'll come back If you don't, I'm not coming back Never It's raining out there Dress warm before you go Bring me a bottle of cough syrup Cursor We were both damned I was no longer my mother's daughter She was no longer my beloved mother She did not mean to make me suffer She herself was torn by the decease If only I knew her days were numbered Even though I could not make her live longer I could at least make her life happier Is your mother getting better or not? She is only a ghost of her old self The doctors said it is normal Can't they give her tranquillisers? Or acupuncture? Nothing works I want my daughter Yue, go fetch your Auntie No one answered the phone Call her husband No answer Call her office Her colleagues should know where she is She must have gone out for dinner I don't know her office number Get the nurse to look it up Go Catch her before she leaves My girl What's all that noise? Oh, no. The guard's here Get your Auntie here. Quick If you stop shouting I'll call your daughter and get her here Oh, no. I've got my daughter in trouble Don't touch it. You'll upset Auntie She is my daughter. Not your business Please, don't Your mother has made such a scene She's keeping everybody on edge You have to take her home But she is not fully recovered Come over here and sing me a song Sing I can't sing Sure you can I dashed here right away Almost got killed by the traffic Look, in the bus I almost tore the pants What did you call me here for? Do you want me to get killed? I'll do anything to make you well You've got me to take care of you now that you're old I have nobody to help me You can go to your daughter in the U. S I'm not going anywhere I've got you today's papers There is a picture of you Mum, the doctors have important things to do You don't bother them with small stuff They don't have time to do that When you have a real case of emergency they'd think you are just acting up See? Your Auntie She makes things happen Don't sweet talk me You don't know how many strings I pulled I need some water Who's going to get it for me? I need more It's not my fault I don't sleep well at night The fact is you stay up all night When you sleep, you are comatose You don't take naps during the day And you don't go to sleep at night When you do sleep you don't get up for hours We can't wake you up Then you act up again From now on you should take naps in the day and go to bed early every night If you don't like lying in bed sit up in the sofa here Until you get drowsy, then go to bed You've got to make an effort I need to sit up Then put the jacket on Look what you've done Is that the sleeve? Is that the sleeve? Mum? God, you are such a handful Can't you give us a moment of peace? You do this day in day out Have a heart I can deal with it But Yue is stressed out by you If she gets fed up with you and leave What are you going to do? Are you going to leave me? No She said no The minute I walked in the hospital I was swarmed by staff complaining about you They don't want to keep you here The old house is gone The new apartment is not finished Where can you go? Tell me Do you want to live with my husband? Good girl please don't send me to him It's up to you The colour is too dark I don't like the style Are you going to France? Not when you are sick Sometimes I'd rather be sick That way you can spend more time with me The doctor in charge said she is well enough to be discharged Did you talk to my Mum? I did What did she say? Nothing much. I let her rest Did you push the contractor? I should have in the beginning I thought they should deliver according to the contract When I called them the other day they kept stalling Saying it would be soon I told Mum we'd move her to the new unit What am I going to tell her now? Can't you at least give me some help? My hands are full with you, and Mum And I have books to write I am snowed under by all these going on Just take it easy Where can I put my mother up? Our place We won't leave her in the street She is frightened to live with anyone You know that Frightened of what? You writers do exaggerate Is our place haunted or what? Don't make such a fuss She can sleep on the couch Your husband gave me these All junk What do you think these are? Just junk given to him and then to you Hush, he can hear that So what? I don't care He has not done a thing to help Not a thing. But complains Look you're always busy And lately, you spend all your time with me It is not fair to your husband After all, he is the man of the house What man of the house? I did everything, everything I don't just take care of cooking I take care of everything But he had a heart surgery before Mum, I'm over 50 years old I don't need you to tell me how to live my life Let me deal with my own business What a pain Her face does not look right The doctor said it is caused by blood clots I'll bring the car here The comedian No, he is our driver That is your new home Is it being renovated? Almost finished New floor, new furniture Air con with heat pump You are spending too much on me This is so good This is like heavens You sleep on the couch, Mum It's warmer here It's easier for you to get off What if I have an accident? I might soil it Don't worry You can use this I don't like this There's nothing wrong with it I'm regressing I definitely am You wetted your bed a lot when you were little Don't drink anymore I know when to stop This is a very nice wine No wonder he has it every evening That's it I don't want to get addicted to it Or fight with him over wine It's growing fast Feel it Yes, it is Soon, I can get rid of the wig Yue, open the door Mum, this cat is crazy She cries all the way here How is the new apartment coming along? It'll be finished in a week Two bedrooms I'll take the bigger one with lots of sunshine I need a recorder in the room Flowers outside the window and a few pets too Persian cats, thoroughbred I remember this place When I was 6, my father took me here He said I needed the exercise I still need the exercise I don't want to leave you If I am alone, I don't mind dying You'll live, Mum I won't let you leave us If I don't let you leave us you can't You're right Hello, where are you? Give it to me You'll catch cold Yue has bathed me You don't have to worry Is your mother's lifestyle rather sedentary? No It's just that she is old I've got her a helper to do the household chores That is not good for her Her mind is deteriorating fast To stop it, she needs to stay active Whatever she can do, let her do it The less she does the less alert she becomes When I taught my graduate students I pushed them really hard That's the idea of training The harder I pushed the more they learned The best help is to get them to help themselves Get the scissors Don't hang around here Do your cooking I'm dizzy What is this fancy thing? What is that for? Working out I look like an American You feel younger when you have this on Watch me Feet firmly on this Start from the lowest level And then walk steadily Mum, just walk slowly Is this speed good for you? I am afraid of machines It's good for you Look, hold the rail The legs, not so far apart It's slow The operation... Fine. Don't do it Just waste away I'll do it I'll do it Yue, get out here Let her do it herself Mum, Shubao will be back by yearend Didn't she say that she would take you to all the restaurants in Beijing? If you don't work out you don't have the strength to go out with her The doctors said they could tell from the biopsy that you never exercised It is not good for your health You need to work out to be fit So please do it for me Stand up on your own The physical strength is crucial to your brain If you don't even try to get up by yourself you'll deteriorate And you'll deteriorate fast My husband's back He can see you from here Shut the door, Yue Shall I? You know the toilets in the plane are tiny Only one person can fit into it You know you have to go frequently What if you can't stand up and I can't go in to help you up? Yue, come in here and help me You are paid to help me You should listen to me not her Mum, I've been keeping the truth from you I must tell you now Take a look at this Take a look at this You've lost a lot of brain cells If you work out You may recover quite a few functions Otherwise, your brain will shrink But then, you'll lose your life too If you go on like this you'll die in 3 months, Mum Auntie Mum Oh, Mum Am I going to die? If you do what you are told you won't die Not that soon at least Can I give you a hand? No, I'll do it myself Let me help you Please don't do it anymore I've got to Your Auntie will be mad if I don't She won't Yes, she will Why don't you support me? Auntie said you've got to do it yourself I have to listen to her I'm too old for this If I knew it, I'd not have agreed to do the operation You'd better stop Yes I need to go to the bathroom Mum Don't hold her arm Let her walk by herself When she walks don't hold her by the arm. Just follow closely behind it'll be all right Why is the pace so slow? You are walking too slow For her to get any benefit do it quickly The more exercise the longer one lives You guys are just acting You are not serious Come one. Do it properly I'm sweating That's good for the system I've got to be careful not to fall If I trip I'll get you guys into trouble I'm walking faster by myself Of course I'll press charges Everything is in a mess What a pain Of course I'm taking care of myself Could you find out for me about that... Hello, are you there? Where's Mum? Gone out for a walk with Yue Where to? How do I know? The Writers' Association told me I have to go to Sweden for a week for an award ceremony I can't take care of your mother Can Yue manage? I've got something to ask you Have you read Foster's The Last Frontier? No What a shame If you go on like this you won't have a career Forget about presenting awards Weird What are you talking about? The nursery downstairs is looking for new business They have established caring for the aged They are doing well Why don't you send your mother there? All my life I had been helping others I seldom helped my mother I thought Mum would still be around for a long time She would be with me for years to come I was silly to think that she was still young I don't feel well today She does that all the time If you ask her what is wrong she'd say I am fine I think I'm sick There she goes again If you ask her she'd say there is nothing wrong again Mum, you are fully recovered from the surgery I trust science the doctors, not you Everything went so well in the OT You're being hypochondriac Right! What do I know? I had the best surgeon the best hospital I can't contest the fact I need to go to the toilet Don't help her She can do it herself Auntie I was so insensitive then I thought Mum was just being negative I betrayed her love for me I betrayed the bond we had My love had turned to hatred I hated Mum for her stubbornness Those thoughts tore us apart And tore me apart All my efforts would go down the drains There was nothing I could do to save her Think of it as your bed Learn to get up from it Stand up Mum just turn on your side This is the couch, isn't it? Lean on it and stand O.K., you don't want that Try something else Go there by yourself Let me carry you Let's start from the beginning We can discuss about this No Mum, this is the couch Look, put your arm on it Push, and you're up. Try Yue, go to the kitchen You have no business here Try, Mum, try That is my bottom line Do you want me to take you? Yes, I'm at your doorstep You can stay I want to stay But I've got to say goodbye to my daughter Mum, don't go Mum Don't yell You gave me the goose bumps I was just tired. I dozed off I'm going to live for a few more years Yes, alive and kicking You've got a way with words Why don't you try this? Look, turn this way and put your leg... there, there Turn. See if you can sit up Pretend we are the couch. Push There you are! Doesn't take a minute I know you can do it Didn't take a second It's your will, Mum You can do it if you want to I'm all wet I'll bathe you Don't Are you hungry, Mum? Mum probably knew then that she was going to die She didn't tell me because she knew that I was not able to accept the fact I was trying to run away from my mistake I couldn't deal with my mother's suffering A sense of guilt stopped me from reaching out to her I am so sorry, Mum I left some money in the pants Take it out before you wash them You did not put money in the pocket It is in the pocket The money is there, isn't it? I need money to get by You can have as much money as you want Come here I like this candy I have not had it for a long time Not bad Can you remember when you were discharged? On the 14th You have a better memory than I I forgot the date Water the flowers. They are wilting I just watered them And they are not wilting Though I'm old I think you are better off if I live You have to live There is nothing for me in this world without you I'll work on standing on my own Good That's enough Don't you want me to try? Yes, but you'll get worn out Do you know why I do this? You know life has been difficult for me I'll make sure when Shubao returns home she can have a good time with you Take you to places She'll be home soon By then we can move to the new flat We can go boating. We can go to parks Go shopping and get you a new suit You look at the foreign old ladies They all wear colourful clothes You should wear colourful clothes too You can make dumplings again for us Oh, I miss your dumplings Mum, if you want to do all this You've got to regain some strength The surgery was perfect It is meant for you to live for a few more years So from now on, work with me Could you, Mum? I know you care about me And I shall persevere Why don't you kiss me anymore? Oh, Mother Why are you awake? I had an accident It's all right Do you want to go? Yes What is that fire? You've lost it again, Mum Why don't you install railings here? Then I can get up without you helping me We'll move in a few days The new flat has everything you need I don't want to go to bed Are you going away in a few hours? Let's talk for a while No, you go to sleep We'll talk tomorrow Tomorrow will be cold Make sure you dress warm for the trip You are such a worry Stop nagging. Just go to sleep She asked me If she was going to live to 100 years old I said, Of course you can You are so fit She said she wanted to go to the U. S For Shubao's wedding She said she could take care of the great grandchildren Most of Shubao's classmates have become mothers I was time for Shubao to get married, she said She knew you are not happy in your second marriage And you always have your own ideas She was sad She said when we got to her age we'd understand her She knew you were depressed sometimes But you should learn to let go Otherwise you would go mad, she said She wept for you She said travelling was good for you But then air travel was so risky The contractor called The flat is finished Shall we all go and have a look? I'll go then My girl Mum Auntie, look who's here No, not the phone Who is this? Mum You slept with your best friend! This will be a disaster unless you say the right thing, so choose your words carefully. Great job last night, buddy. Good thing you came along. I've been on four since med school. Damn it. We shouldn't feel weird about this. - Things like this happen all the time. - All the time! - It's not a big deal. - it's not a big deal. Stop repeating what I say in that weird tone. - No more repeating. - What happened last night was a wonderful mistake. And it's probably best if we just go back to the way things were. I totally agree. I'm gonna see you tomorrow. Tomorrow. Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down... Wait, Elliot... I just... Just say it. Say, "Elliot, stay in bed and have sex with me until neither of us can move." Let's do that. I cannot believe you almost let me leave. You're gonna pay for that. I'm good for that. I got to... We are really good at having sex. We should take this show on the road. My mom would sit in the front row and tell me I'd look prettier if I smiled more. You don't really smile. You just make this face. You looked surprised that you were actually having sex. I was. I mean, four times? Give it up. - I think I already did. - You did. How weird was that this morning? Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life? You look hot in that dress. What movie are we watching? It's Basic Instinct, Grandma. Yeah, once. But all this sex? It just soothes my soul. And I really like your nose. How did that last time even start? I just know I went to the door and when I came back, you said I looked sexy holding a pizza. You did. For safety reasons, I should go. You're not going anywhere. You gotta help me eat this pizza. Good. See now, you even look sexy holding that slice. - I do, don't I? - You do. I was not. You were. Sometimes I like a little sugar in my coffee. I just think it's best if we keep this between us for now. It's hard enough without everybody talking. But it'll help people. Like those two, for instance. They've been dancing around each other for months now. I'm not afraid to show people here how I feel about you. You just want the guys to know you're getting some. Not just the guys. Good morning, Dr Cox! We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut monkeys for some psychologist's research project, which means you won't be helping patients. Instead, you'll be blabbering about your feelings, and what it's like working in the hospital, and how that affects your personal lives and... And there he is now, big Bob-o himself. All nurses and interns, let's gather round and dance for the puppet master. Dance! It's not just the nurses and interns. Don't be that guy, Bob. I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story very often, but I remember when I was seven years old, I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest. So, I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and... My God! I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: Chicks, money, power and chicks. But since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which affects the number of chicks who come sniffing around, and don't ask what tree they're barking up, cos they're sure not pissing on mine. And as far as power goes, well... Here I am during my free time letting some 13-year-old psychology fellow ask me questions about my personal life. So here's the inside scoop. Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power? Check her out. - Dude, HFFA. - Excuse me? HFFA? "Hot from far away" but up close she's nasty. That is so messed up. I am sorry I made an insensitive statement about an ugly person. I'm taking one of those moments where I weigh your good qualities against your bad ones and decide if you're actually worth the trouble. You made it. That was close. - Thank you. - You're welcome. Elliot's looking for a surgical consult. - Do you know where she is? - Why should I know? I know where the Todd would like Elliot to be. In his pants. Clever. She's not going out with anyone. You should ask her out. Elliot and the Todd? That's a terrible couple. - Worse than Joanie and Chachi. - Joanie loves Chachi. The Todd is asking Elliot out. - I think she'd be lucky to ride my... - Please. ...motorcycle. Gotcha. God bless him. When I was seven, the only things that I loved were my ColecoVision... and Sandy Lowe. Sandy was as fine as a 7-year-old could be. She had the body of a 9-year-old. I joined the T-ball team because she was on it. I didn't care that much about sports. But, during the first game, I got all caught up, and fell in love with competing. And so, through high school and college, I pretty much played everything because I needed to compete. It was my drug. That's why I became a surgeon. Every day, you get to step up to the table and go one-on-one against what's wrong with the patient. And if you're really good at it, you win most of the time. I ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas, and she didn't look so good. And that was kind of awkward, cos, well, I look like this. Are you following me? No. You wanna go out some time? With you? Me and a bottle of Jagermeister. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I'm a lesbian or anything. I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck. All I heard was "lesbian". Let me talk to her for you. Why did he ask me out? I don't know. Because you're cute and you're fun, and I told him to. Plus, there's rumours going around that you're a lesbian. You told me not to tell anyone about us, so maybe I just wanna make a point. And now I'm gonna kiss you. It's cool. JD's in the closet talking to a girl for me. White boys. You too. When I was little, my mom used to have what she called "episodes". "Episodes" is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and... Let's just say her stomach talked. Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket and she actually passed out. And out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward and tells everyone to step aside and give my mother some air. And everyone did. You have to understand, in my family, nobody listens to a word anyone else says. Even screaming at the top of our lungs... nothing. So when this man said, "Step aside", and everyone did, I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?" And she said he was a doctor. And I thought, "I want to be a doctor too." But when I lost my first tooth, and nobody left $180,000 under my pillow, I decided to become a nurse. We do all the real stuff anyway. - You OK? - Yeah. I may eventually need a vagina transplant. Go! Go! We don't have much time! You know what? After I have sex five times with somebody, I like to have the relationship talk. I know it seems rushed, but five times usually takes me anywhere between six months and seven years. Let's do it. Let's have the talk. - You my boyfriend? - Yep. You my girlfriend? - Yep. - Cool. Good to talk things through. I love that little laugh. From now on, that is your laugh. What? I've seen you naked, so everything you're doing, I'm watching you do it naked. So, if I go like this... I just... I saw all of that. Don't be shy. Come here, baby. - The echo report on the aorta... - Bravo. Just a big bravo. Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre. Honest, I do. It's the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, pale sex with each other. What are you talking about? The whole floor knows. We do. Watch this. Laverne, did you know? Was it supposed to be a secret? And Carla? Please. I knew before they did. So, there it is. And if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring. I like that guy. When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, PA, there were two steel mills, three bars, and not a doctor in sight. Then my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. Jackass. Now I get to do this in public. This is a hospital, all right? People here are already sick. You guys do it all the time. - Tell me we don't look like that. - We don't look like that. You guys are just jealous cos you're not the hot couple in town any more. Jealous, my chocolate butt! I'm telling you, we are so damn hot, last night, when I was home waiting for Turk, I put on this tiny negligee. It was so small I took it off my Latin Barbie... When I got home, you were asleep, drooling like a sheepdog. You don't have to tell 'em that. While you guys were sleeping, we were up in the kitchen frying' up some love. Relationships? Well, Sigmund, relationships are so fragile. It just takes one thing, one tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you better tuck and go. Why did you do that? How could you think that's appropriate conversation for work? - We didn't have sex. - No. - Especially not on the stove. What? - That is not funny. Sorry. We didn't. That's great. Thanks. Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature. Come on. Elliot. I am so full. - Give me another slice. - Really? Yeah. Big one. I cannot have any more until I work off the last two slices. So what do you say? Fat, gassy, bloaty sex? OK. - I'm gonna puke! - I don't care. Mr Lewis, we're gonna need another stool sample. Not for medical reasons. My robot needs food. That laugh. But it's your laugh. I gave it to you. I love it so much, I can't stop using it. It's not as charming if you're mad. You only laugh at your own jokes. You never laugh at anything I do. That's not true. ...colonoscopy. Dr Cox, I'm open! Hit me! There was nothing funny about that. Maybe you just don't know funny. Let me help you out. Silly hats are funny. ALF? Very funny! Anyone in a chicken suit... Oversized phones are funny. - JD... - Hold on. Hello? She's right here. It's for you. You know what? You're not as funny as you think you are. And bam! The shine's off the apple. That's when you find out that that pretty girl you married isn't a pretty girl at all. No. She's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "Whoa, whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. I may have tormented her from time to time, but that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so, that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more: her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy. We were. I suck at this. Sorry. You look great bent over. I rolled that damn thing exactly the way the video I bought told me to. Probably just a bad ball. You don't have to patronise me. Tell me that I suck. It's hard to be honest when you're so neurotic you don't even trust the computer to keep your score. - I'm neurotic? - I'm sorry! - Is it always this hard? - Bowling's a tricky sport. - No, I meant... - I know. It's difficult for everybody. - My baby got a strike! - I got a strike! - My baby did it! - I got a strike! Knock 'em down! My baby know how to knock 'em down! - Turk! I'm dizzy! - Sorry. I'm sorry about him. My turn! Want me to pick you up? Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those boards of things her friends are on. You know, like, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah, blah, blah. When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist. But we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman. No offence, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago. Now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute. I call her Shelly. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard, she cries a little. You should've gotten a cardiology fellow to give Mrs Zuckerman a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago. Sir, I was waiting to see... You were waiting. I'm sorry, that's... That's my mistake. I'm gonna wait with ya. Dr Cox... Gotta give it time. Because, you see, when you're waiting for someone to get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time. I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart rate, which is what the textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, JD? - Is she right, JD? - Technically, yes. But it's really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would've called the fellow. But I... That's me. I... Always side with the hoochie, Newbie? It's a rookie mistake. You hate to see it. - Tell you about my girlfriend? - Tell you about my boyfriend? OK. I can be myself around Carla. Turk makes me feel completely safe and totally independent at the same time. And it's all the same, whether I'm with her or with my boys. I can say whatever's on my mind. And even if he doesn't like it, even if he doesn't understand it, he respects it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna give my boys a back rub. Sure, if a brother's got an itch, I'll scratch it, but... He seems to like who I am. She's a cool lady. - I love her. - I love him. I should've stood up for you with Dr Cox. You should've. I don't want him to think it's about our relationship. I know that you want Dr Cox to respect you, but you should want me to respect you too. If I didn't respect you, I wouldn't be having sex with you. - That's not true. I would be. - If you can't talk for real, forget it. A perfect dismount off her high horse. If you don't like something, say it. Why hide behind stupid jokes? Why is it impossible for you to let anything go? I let stuff go, like when you wouldn't stand up for me with Dr Cox, or when you told everyone we're having sex. - When are you letting that go? - You wanna know why I won't let that go? You wouldn't stand up for me because you're terrified that someone won't like you. And that's a bad thing? Why don't we get all my friends together in a room and we'll fight your friend. I'm getting so tired of this. Elliot, this is me. And there's a lot of people here who like me for who I am. - I thought you were one of 'em. - I thought I was too. Relationships don't work the way they do in the movies. Will they? Won't they? They finally do and they're happy for ever. Nine out of ten end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And through all this, I have not become a cynic. I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies, and you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker. I don't care. Because I do believe in it. Bottom line is couples that are right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else. But the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will fight for that relationship every time, if it's right and they're real lucky. One of 'em will say something. Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend at all. I've always been sure about everything. Sure that I wanted to be a doctor, and I was sure that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25. But relationships... I always heard that when they were right, they were easy. That even when things got hard that they were easy. I don't get that at all. How is that possible? Am I in a relationship now? No. I'm not in one now. No. I can't believe today's over. - I can't believe I ate half a pizza. - Please. You had two pieces. If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out. I will, cos I'm a gentleman. Do you think this is gonna work out? Yeah. I think it's gonna be great. I believe you. I believe me too. What time is it? Five o'clock. Look! Your first bull. - It'll be good. - He looks "bragado". You see white bellies everywhere. A small white spot on the stomach can't be treacherous. Wait till you know women before you say that. You've put on a lot of weight. Deal with the bull. We'll talk about it later. - Good afternoon. - Same to you. Winnie, what were we supposed to draw? Animals at the farm. - And is this a farm? - Yes. - What's this? - A little girl. Winnie, a human being can't be smaller than a dog. I mean, does a dog eat with a fork? No. Can a dog draw? No. So? - The dog's strongest. - No. Besides, a dog isn't a farmyard animal. Draw me a duck instead. I did. It's very high. Is it a wild duck? No, it's hanging on the wall. What's it hanging with? A nail. It doesn't hurt? The duck's dead. It's going to rain. Carlotta Pascalini. Carlotta, I suppose you speak Italian? A man is about to appear. He just got out of jail. He's your older brother. You know he's a repeat offender. You're meeting him from jail. You haven't seen him for 14 years. Can you tell me what he did to end up in jail? Just to help me. Fuck you, son of a bitch. You needed to sense what he had done. You protect yourself too much, you gave us very little. Thank you. Where are you from? Palermo. A beautiful city. What are you talking about? I'm not stupid. This concerns us! You're not quite right. We started talking about the strike on bus route 67 and the risk we run each day in fighting possible death... Don't start again. If I drop you off, I'm coming up. You needn't bother. I won't tell her a thing. She's more vulnerable than you. A lot of men cheat on their wives when they're pregnant. Usually after they give birth. Really? Are you sure? The important thing is we sleep together because it's hormonally inevitable and because I'm... I'm psychologically out of synch. You piece of shit. You hear me? You're a piece of shit. A bastard. An asshole. I hope your kid dies! Southern Spain - Did your father say anything? - Yes. He wanted to stay in the ring a little before they took him away. He wanted to see what he had won. When I saw the committee was awarding him the ears and the tail, I walked over to the stretcher and said: "Dad, they've given you everything." And he answered: "I can die now." Almost there. I'll stop bothering you. One last question. What is bullfighting? Bullfighting? It means meeting with someone for the first time and every day at sunset, looking him in the eye and, just after, telling him I have to kill him. Thank you. Ricardo Rossi for Radio Sudamerica. Northern France Excuse me. Is there a problem with the Paris flight? A problem? I don't know. A hijacking, a bomb. We'd know, wouldn't we? Or do we have to wait to see it on TV? I don't know. Why? Is it late? I don't know. I have no idea. In fact, we never know. They'd tell us, right? I suppose so. Thank you. You're very kind. Are you okay? I'm fine, thanks. I just saw a man get transfished. - Get what? - Transfished. He may be dead. There's no such word, Winnie. You can say he was transferred if he had to move, but transfished, I don't understand, unless he was fished out of a tank. Our teacher says a pike is a fish, like a sardine. Yes. So? He got spiked. Not with a fish but with a horn. Spiked. That comes from the word pike, like a spear, not from pike the fish. Mother! You do that each time you hear a siren! I didn't come home to have an accident. And take your glasses off. He's off to the morgue. A morgue is for people. Where is it they cut up animals? An abattoir. He's off to the abattoir, then. The size of the thing! How would you feel facing that? I think it's a moment when all doubt vanishes. If you end up facing it, it's your choice. Hey, he's looking at you. No, not at me, dear. You know, I have an odd pupil. She thinks all animals are bigger than her. What's so odd about that? I think she spies on me. Spies on you? No one can spy on you. - I think that animal is still bleeding. - I'm talking about a child here! Drive, it's green. - What's the child's name? - Winnie. Winnie! Are you sure she's a human being? Welcome to the day of your rebirth. You will learn to return into your emotions as a baby. You're all human beings. I can tell. You have four limbs, two arms, two legs, a head with perhaps even a brain, and we're going to use all that to return to your primal emotions. I'd like you to pair off into six groups of two, six couples since there are 12 of you. 13 now. Are you enrolled? Yes. And why did you enroll? I don't know. Maybe because I want to exist. Good answer! The young lady wants to exist. Perhaps she even has a bone to pick? What kind of bone? Something that annoys you, that prevents you from living. A bone that sticks in your throat. A bone that we shall try to dissolve together. Yes, that's it. Since there's an odd number of us, I'll be your partner. You can be the child. Okay? Okay. Mr. Orchid, have you been with Mrs. Orchid long? Yes, I see. Well, you're going to work with Mr. Beard. That'll be better. And Mrs. Beard can go with Mrs. Orchid. Well, this is looking good. It's lovely. Very good. Rock your partner gently. Very good. It's lovely. I can't do it. You can do it. I'm sorry? Brigitte? No, there's no Brigitte here. You're welcome. Brigitte? No. Actually, this is the right number. Brigitte is dead. You didn't know? How did she die? She jumped out of the window. Who am I? Her last partner. Really? How long had you been married? I didn't know. She never told me. Anyhow, she didn't suffer. From the 9th floor. That's why she didn't suffer. I'm sorry. Chips with both? Chips with both? - Any developments? - Nothing. I spilled some coffee this morning. Where? Here, on my sweater. I can't see it without my glasses. Plus it's night. I can't see it either. I rinsed it out right away. Even an inch away, you couldn't see it. She stared at the stain all day. She didn't take her eyes off me. - I had to hide it with a book. - Who? Winnie? What was I like when I was five? Why do you ask? No reason. I can't seem to remember. You were... dark. Did I still wet myself? I don't think so. That's all I remember. It happened, like with all children. Once or twice, when you had a fever. Just tell me, "At 5, you still wet yourself." Don't be silly, Juanita. Remember when I sang "Juanita Banana"? You remember nothing about me. Scissors. Scissors. Fred, go to bed. Good night, Fred. Juana wants me to go to Lille with her. What shall I do? You've refused so often, accept this time. What if she asks me questions? She won't ask anything. She has a problem with a pupil. It's bothering her. She doesn't know what to do. She won't ask you anything. What? Nothing. Paco? I need to change. Change something in my face. Look, this bone here has grown thicker from wearing glasses. I sometimes feel a palpitation as if my heart was beating here. It hurts. It makes me suffer. Why tell me all this? To get your opinion, my love. Stop wearing your glasses, sweetheart. I'll get an operation. They'll cut me open, remove some bone and stitch me back up. Maybe they won't remove a thing. You don't need to go under the knife. What's going on? You know what? Tomorrow, I'm going to Lille with you. You're getting more beautiful. You too. Have you seen his visitors? - No. How many? - Three. - One by one, then. - I think they're triplets. Really? No, not me. Them. - They're in sterile gear? - Of course. They mustn't touch anything. Why do you move like that when I touch him? Hands up! - Who's got them? - You have. You think I'm stupid? I gave them to you. Take a good look. In your pocket. Where do I put them? Hand them over. - What are you doing? - I'm not killing him! - Shall we sit down? - There are only two chairs. Come on, Pedro. Sit there. I'll sit on the bed. But you're on the bullfighter's foot! All right! He looks well. Your faces are a picture! He can hear you in a coma. We're here to help him, to cheer him up a little. At least try to. This isn't a funeral. Look. Victor, we've brought you the ears. Okay, tell him your Mexican joke. The difference between guacamole and an American bicycle? No, not that one. Which one then? You don't know any Mexican jokes? You have hundreds of them. You tell them around the clock. You tell them in your sleep! - Hands off him! - I'm not touching him. Now I dance the flamenco? - Tell us a joke. - I have none left. What do you mean, "none left"? And who are you to give me orders? Are you crazy? Get out! See you later, Victor. See you later, bullfighter. I've got no milk for my calf. I can give you my milk if you want to feed him. Think he'll like it? - My milk's the best. - No, mine's the best. Yours is all gone. Take mine. All right. Hi, everyone. But mine's still the best. I was only trying to help. What are those horns? I made them. You made them? Not for school. It's not a real school day today. We're having a picnic. Look. Give your teacher the drops. And take those silly horns off. If I can't wear my horns, I won't take my Valium. Fred, you want some Valium? Here, Fred. - Had a nice ride? - Yes. We went for the same ride as the other day. Nice, wasn't it? Here, Fred. Help! Help! Where is she? I hope I wasn't too rough with my horn. It's okay. I didn't feel a thing. They're keeping you busy. I hear you're the kangaroo in the forest episode. Me? Who said that? You're on the schedule. I have a million things to do. I can't. Why can't Veronique do it? Her mom's dying. Between you and me, that's a feeble excuse. Playing a kangaroo is no fun. You don't lose your mother every day. If people had a real adolescent crisis, their parents' death wouldn't be so tough. They'd be able to face death. - You think so? - Of course. Until you lose yours, you can't judge. Are yours dead? In a way, I suppose they are dead. I'm 29, I'm an actress, I earn my living. I could say I've earned my life. I'm not saying it was easy, but the result is clear. I'm a free woman. You're single. - Not by choice. - You're cute, though. I'm not just saying that. Stop right there. It's not because I can't find anyone. I'm just too dependent sexually. That's the problem. It's a form of polygamy. It frightens men. It seems it's quite rare. It makes me suffer. Well, I think so. I admire you. In my village, when a girl drops her keys in public, she doesn't pick them up but calls on her neighbour to borrow his double. What does that mean? Always call on the neighbour before you go home. Let me do it, mom. It's for you. - For your birthday. - Thank you. It's magnificent! Mom, you didn't steal it? Oh, really! I used the money from the boar sale. Promise me you'll never sell it. - Never. - Are you sure, Luc? I swear, mom! - You're sure? - I promise. Why are you doing the belly? Never start with the belly! I showed you with the duck. Look. Arthur. Louis. Cyril. Antoine. Jérémy. That's a stupid way of doing it. Give them numbers instead! Look. One. Two. Three. Four and five. Okay, mom. That mutton wasn't fresh last night. You know, I'm not supposed to eat kebabs. No. I didn't know. You did know, Jacques. There was red cabbage in it too. Red cabbage can make my milk sour. If I give birth now, I won't be able to feed the baby. You know how important that is for me. You know I was never breastfed. You want to remind me of all that? You think too much, but there's something I don't get, Betty. Why didn't you leave the red cabbage? Am I supposed to take it out of your mouth for you? You'd just eat your kebab without noticing what I'm eating. - You'd never notice. - Please, Betty. I'll be off now. I've had the eyes from Spain. An ox or a bull, I'm not sure. I'll examine them while they're fresh. It's beautiful! I've marked the route so you can pick me up from school. Here. You won't get lost? Where will you go? I'll see. I'm free, dear. I'll be going then. Can you help me? Thank you. I think it's time for my medicine. That's right. I thought I put it in here. Did you do this? Yes, I did. My mother must have put it in my bag. It's funny. - I was only little then. - You were five? Look, did I draw people smaller than animals? Look, I knew birds were in the sky. They're old birds. - Yours are stuffed. - I thought you drew better. But you do circles well. That's right. How come? I can't manage to do them, but you could when you were little. It's weird. Fifty. Fifty-two. Fifty-three. Fifty-four. These are for the car. I didn't count, but there were very few red cars. I told you that means nothing. It would if you looked at number plates. Then you could compare. - I don't care about those. - You see, it's a stupid game. Stop doing that Belgian accent. I can't help it. I feel Belgian. - Know why there's no ketchup? - No. Because of them. - It's the school holidays. - Sure. We'll never know school holidays. You'll never have children. You can't say. Don't be stupid. Know who's going to call in an hour for your birthday? Your brother. Fancy that! I thought I saw your father drive by in a 2 CV. There are no 2 CVs on the motorway. And your father's dead, stupid. Shit. Blind in one eye. How come? Did another bull wound him? No. A lot of bulls are born that way. One-eyed bulls are the most dangerous. They leave the pen and the audience thinks they're just like the others, but no. It can't see everything. It holds its head differently. It must be a terrible feeling. You realize you're alone with it and that it's hiding something from you, that its body is hiding something. As if a good friend lost an arm. You need to get used to it. No. In that case, your view of him is altered. You can still touch a misshapen body. But in the bullring, even if you know how to fight, there's a clinical factor in the bull that shatters your bearings. Doubt kicks in at that point. You'll get your surprise. Just like last year. Only you'll get it this year. You've got no patience! You're sad now. Wait! Wait for me! One. One, two, three. Testing. Ladies and gentlemen, today in your hypermercado... Bravery, passion, strength and power straight from Spain to your dog's mouth! Today, ladies and gentlemen, the one who eats from his bowl, who guards your garden, your faithful companion, will be carried back to his primitive state by a bone! Roll up! Roll up! Buy a fighting bull's bone for a toothless dog! A fresh bull's bone! He's going to get transfished. Put some horns in your dog's life! Bring the bullring into your garden! Come on, ladies and gentlemen, buy a fresh bull's bone for a toothless dog! We could get one for Fred. We'll take one. This one? Isn't it a bit big? Can you gift-wrap it? Jorge? Jorge? Georges! Gift-wrap? We don't have any wrapping paper. Sorry, we don't have any. - What does "Romero" mean? - Yes, what does it mean? Romero? Actually, I'm Italian. I don't speak a word of Spanish. It doesn't matter. The right choice. You won't regret it. Let's go. Not at all. Yesterday, I left a message saying that Mr. H, as in "hatchet" or "Hegel," wasn't quite dead. I just wanted to tell you that I didn't do it today either. I'm alive. There. Have a good evening. You too. No problem. Fred's bone! Winnie, lie down so no one can see you. Henri, you can go now. Are you kidding? Fetch the bone. - You could thank me. - That was a close call. 130 francs for the squirrel on its branch. 130 is too expensive. Try 110. It's mounted upside down. No, it has all its teeth! 130 francs! It has all its teeth! Watch things while I take a look around. This hen's really beautiful. It's fantastic. Not so fantastic. They're mine. Impossible. They're mine. Not possible. The scar's looking good. The bodywork's fine, but not the engine. He's a blood donor. We know his profile. Yes. The first matching liver is for him. If we don't get a liver, how long can he last? Not long. Not long at all. How shall I put it? The liver has packed in. But it doesn't matter. It's all right. Medicine has made a lot of progress. - Maybe, but he'll need a transplant. - Don't worry about that. I saw loads done at medical school. These days, a transplant is like a toothache! He won't even notice, and the scar is tiny. You can barely see it. You have a liver? No. I have two tests to do tomorrow. I'm making good progress. It's very interesting. What did you do today? I filled the aquarium. That's good. Go in, Jérémy, they won't eat you. Can you have him? His dad and I need to talk. Of course. Come on in. - Sit down. - Thank you. Should you be eating that? Good, isn't it? Tell me when you want to pee! Look, it's soaked now! I know you have problems at home, but you could let me know. All right, don't move. What are you doing with that? Jérémy! Are you crazy? - Where's the other? - Under there. I have to work with those eyes! - I couldn't move the couch. - I'm not surprised. Where is it? There. Out of the way! You put some paper under here too? No, I didn't! One, two, three, four, five. Someone wanted to buy the horns. How much? Who cares how much? I won't sell. Do as you want. What do you mean? You bought them for me. I can't. You said they were for us both. I don't remember. I'm going a bit batty. You never usually change your mind. Maybe, but there's an April moon tonight. Let's go and find some deer. Let me tell you something. I never mentioned that your father was deaf and dumb. Look, he'd go like this. Then he'd go like this. Like this, like this, like this, and like this. That meant he wanted to go far away, cross the sea and build a house. I was the only one in our village who realized he wanted to go to America. And he married me. He's in America? Your father's dead, stupid! - Hold your fork properly. - Mom, please. Tonight, you will be reborn! You're going to make it tonight! We'll find our primal scream! Good evening. I just came to tell you that I know who damaged your car. It was a shopping cart. - You were there? - Yes. Was it deliberate or not? I mean, my car's a wreck now. It's hard to say if it was deliberate or not. It's hard to say. It was kind of deliberate. I knew it! Do you work at the supermarket? No, not at all. I don't do anything. Not now, anyway. I used to be a philosopher. I wrote notes. You know, those books to help with exams. I did a few of them. But now I skate. Will you join me in the pool? But you really have to be naked. Do not hesitate to give a name to aspects of your partner. There's nothing sexual in this. Step behind your partner and help him or her to give the scream. It's important to have someone behind you when you scream. How do you choose who...? Go on, if you want. I'm totally out of this. Mind my plaster there. It's a pity you've given up philosophy. I failed my exams but I remember those notes were useful. I hope you didn't fail because of me. You know, it's hard to help people in their despair. They look at me, sitting there, on their shelves, the cause and witness of their failure. It's hard to live with. I can believe it. What do you do? Switch around! I'm an actress. That's why you're so comfortable with your body. Maybe. What do you act in? Everything. That's good. I've ordered pizza. Will there be enough? Should be, I've ordered eight. You never know. What do you mean? That's five too many. Pizzas can be frozen, Betty. What are you doing? Looking for the ashtray. I want to smoke again. It was the pizzas. Perhaps you don't trust me enough. If we told each other a secret, perhaps we'd trust each other. I'm not going to find my scream like this. Can we switch positions? Is that okay? Actually, I use car registrations to make up phone numbers. I dial the number, and there are three possibilities. Either the number doesn't exist, or it exists and no one answers or, more rarely but it happens, someone answers. What do you do then? Usually, I ask for Brigitte. They say it's a wrong number but some people actually tell me about Brigitte. People are so lonely. Thanks to me, they're able to make up a story. What's your secret? You see all these plasters? I'm having all my moles removed. Except this one? My father has the same, and I didn't tell my parents. What's your name? Alexis. And you? Carlotta Ida Francesca. I think I'm finding my scream. I don't speak Italian. I think I have to get out. He's going to love this. Look. Who's this for? It's for you! Who's that? Expecting anyone? Here, take this. Good evening. I have a problem. He found you thanks to this medication. My car's a total wreck! I've seen you somewhere before. You're the bone seller, aren't you? Come on in. I'll take the Valium. Actually, it seems your cart deliberately hit my car. I'm a witness. I want compensation. You've come to the right place. I mean, I'm sorry. It was me, or rather us. We're really sorry. What can we do? What the hell's that? - It's huge! - That's Fred. He doesn't look well. - What's wrong with him? - I don't know. He's dead. I didn't order this. You ordered the bull. I'll be right back. It's my first day. Sorry, that's not your order. It's not beef? No, it's bull, in a Rioja wine sauce. A Spanish dish. I'm sorry. I'll keep it. Are you sure? It's the last helping, and that man... All right. Bring me something else. Mom, you're crazy! You'd started eating it. I only had a nibble or two. Here he comes again. It's yours. The gentleman will have a steak. He says that he used to know you. - Shall I warm it up for you? - No, it's all right. I'm sorry. - Thank him. - It's because I tasted it. He's not being nice, you know. So you know him? Never seen him before. Never seen him. I don't have a knife. - What did you have for lunch? - A sandwich. In the sun. Snail Poke out your horns in the sun I found the drawing. Were you pleased? I needed something in my bag and I found it. I drew pretty well. - The apples looked good. - I don't remember. I put it in your bag as we left. I could draw perfect circles at 5! My teacher never said? I can't remember. How's your little pest? She's fine. She's perfectly all right. I was just a bit paranoid. She spotted the problem in the drawing. Perhaps my teacher put the wrong date. Maybe. Is it good? - What? - The bull. A bit too much wine, but it's not bad. Juliette. I'm sorry? I'm not Juliette. - Forgive me. - Don't mention it. We've never met. You were Anne's friend. You lived near the music school and couldn't play the cello. I think you had dyslexia. I don't know Anne or the music school. Forgive me. I'm sorry. I don't believe it! Who the hell is he, the new Romeo? That was funny. We'll tell Dad. He'll split his sides. Meeting a man through a switched plate. You mingled your saliva. Stop it! The start of an affair... I'll call Dad. Mom! Are you okay? You're not cold? A cigarette? Look. The pretty apples. Shall I serve you? Dead meat in the living room is a health hazard. After all, by now, the worms are moving in. Look. If you don't mind, I'd like to have a wake. He'll stay there for tonight. He seemed very nervous all day long. I don't know. He kept drooling. Could he have possibly had an emotional shock? Sorry, it's nerves. Those dogs have weak hearts. We'd bought him a present. Lucy was unwrapping his bone. It's as if it was too much for him. The bone you bought from me? I hope it's not my fault. No, it was just a bone. A bull's bone! Still got your gun? Winnie! Don't be silly! Are you crazy? Unload the thing, for God's sake! There's only one bullet and it's for... It's for me. All right. There. It's empty now. It's funny, I had a cousin who had that very same lamp. When you stepped under it, you felt obliged to tell the truth. The very same lamp. We can't give your real name. Bergé, like all our guests, has just left prison. You're here to tell us about the book you've written, "My Mother's Eyes". A very moving book that teaches us a great deal. Why call it "My Mother's Eyes"? Perhaps because my mother's eyes were the first thing I saw. That makes sense. It might heal up. To sum up your story, it began last year when your mother's head was found in your home, a head you'd kept for some years. That's right. Your mother died at home 5 years ago and you decided to keep her head. That inspires a number of questions. Firstly, what on earth made you make such a decision and, on a practical level, how did you keep it? Mom used to take me to museums. She loved to see big, stuffed animals in museums. I decided to stuff her head with plaster. Had you practiced on other items before? No. The idea had always interested me but I'd never had a chance to try it. It was the first time. This was the first time. I came home We haven't danced for a while. Want to dance? And started to part her head from her body. I'll peel the onions. Why? We've eaten. I'm crying. But I'd like to put it to some use. Want my anchovy? - I've got olives. - I'll have one. You want the olives? She wanted to donate her organs. We found the card on her. They've started taking them. There. You wouldn't think so but the cuts are quite deep. There's one like my mother's. It'll be the hardest one to remove. It's midway between my nipples. Apparently, it has all kinds of roots. After your birth, your mother left for France. She'd been involved in something before we met. What are you talking about? She killed someone. - Perhaps not on purpose. - You don't kill by accident. They were both sixteen. They were always together at the school. One day, your mother's best friend vanished. There was an investigation. The police searched everywhere. She moved her friend's body each night. She dragged her from one room to another to foil the investigators. That went on for eight days. Then, in the end, Juliette confessed everything. Anne had broken her neck on the stairs. They had fought. Juliette wanted her for herself. Mom wasn't called Juliette. I'm the one who named her Alicia. - When did she come back? - When you were 5. - I loved her. - Me too. You should never have entered Another person's life You're just a stain on the floor That no one cleans To reach you We have to dig down Deep into the heart of a new life To tell you it can grow again You should never have entered Another person's life You must look alive To draw people to you By moving near the dead We can believe they still move You wait to be spoken to You'll know by the sound Beneath the lava Life goes on You should never have entered Another person's life You'll understand That you can always sleep Closed eyes help you think The one kissing you can't see That his disgust isn't real The pleasure's only yours You'll never give it again You should never have entered Another person's life And when you feel it stir within you You'll think the monster is dead A mere stain With the plant growing back Listen well If it's your heart You'll never burn again You never burn twice You live several times over You never burn twice You live several times over Wait! Where are you going? They were born at 5. Five daughters. Your wife will wake in two hours. You can register the birth. I have a question first. How can she give birth to five babies without any family history of it? It's very rare. Her treatment over the last 3 years tends to lead to multiple births. Her treatment. For what? Fertility treatment. - Three years? - More or less. You should know better than me. In any case, it worked. Congratulations! Wider. I felt something move. It's his heart. Open. Idiot. Clown. Jacques, have you got the time? Lovely day, isn't it? Yes, okay. I didn't understand the last bit. It's five o'clock. [Theme music] ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you Okay, here we go, people. Places. Roll cameras. [Bell rings] And action. [Soft instrumental music] Greg, is that my wrench? [Greg stuttering] No. You know, Greg, some things are okay to take... but others aren't. [Greg groans] I don't understand, Junction Jack. Well, Greg. [Singing] Many things are good to take Like a swim out on the lake Take a walk or take a hike Take a ride on your new bike Take a train to New Orleans Take a look at my blue jeans Take my temperature when I'm sickly Relax, this will be over quickly But never take what isn't yours In your grubby little paws Greg, isn't that what you have done? Come on, guys, this isn't fun Taking something, causing grief ALL: Admit it, Greg You are a thief Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Stop it, you guys. Oh, no. GREG: Don't bury me. No, please. Mama. [Greg moaning] jim: Greg, I know a bunny has his needs, but could you please keep it down? GREG: They buried me alive. Stop it. Don't bury me. No. jim: Wake up, buddy. Wake up. GREG: No. [Greg screams] [Jim groans] You hit me in the eye. Sorry, Jimmy. I was having that nightmare again. jim: What, the buried alive nightmare? GREG: Yeah. This time they were singing some happy song... and then all of a sudden it got dark and unpleasant... like an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. You're fine now. You might want to put something on that eye, Jimmy. Come on, Greg. You're a little bunny. I'm, like, 757 times your size. I'll be fine. [Soft instrumental music] Hey, kid, what happened to you? It's nothing. Just a black eye. No, I'm talking about the donuts you were supposed to fetch. I didn't have to wait this long for a kidney. That'll work. Are you okay? Yeah, it's nothing. It's something I got playing rugby. - You play rugby? - Yeah. Don't let my height, or weight, or build... or delicate features fool you. - What position do you play? - I play rear floosh. My God. That's the best you can do? Floosh? I'm not tall enough for forward. - Can I ask you something? - What's that? Have you ever gotten any without paying for it? What am I supposed to do? She wants nothing to do with me. Look, buck up, if we can put a man on the moon... we can certainly put you on Alison. How? What you need to do is ignore Alison completely... and pay more attention to whomever she's with. Then eventually her jealousy will drive her straight into your arms, blah. I don't know. I'm not into the whole playing games thing. Save it for the rugby field, Floosh. [Blah laughing] GlL: Okay, Greg. At this point in the scene you come out of your hole with a carrot. No. Mr. Bender, listen. I can't go in that rabbit hole, okay? I don't want to. Why not, Greg? He's been having nightmares about being buried alive in there. Oh. Oh, oh. Listen, no problem. I'll take care of that right now. Listen up, everybody. When Greg goes into his hole... do not, I repeat, do not bury him alive. Okay, down you go, Greg. No way. No how. Not going to do it. I don't care. Quit your whining. That works, too. You wimp. Okay, people, here we go, and action. Where you going, Chief Blah? BLAH: It's Thanksgiving. Let's invite Greg the Bunny's pilgrim ancestor... to our bountiful feast. I'm not going to die. Greg. Happy Thanksgiving, dirt bag. [Cackling] I'm going to die. GlL: Cut! It's Rochester Rabbit. He's the shadowy figure in my dream who's been trying to kill me. Why would he wanna kill a cute little bunny like you? Here's a wild guess. Maybe because management fired him to hire you. That's it. That's why you're having the nightmares. What a breakthrough. Just like the end of Ordinary People. Now, can we get back down the hole, please? No, Mr. Bender. I've got to find Rochester, and see if he can forgive me. After work, I'll take you to go see Rochie. GREG: Would you? JACK: Sure. - lt'll be great to see the old boy again. - Thank you, Junction Jack. He owes me $200 and my meatloaf pan. jim: Hey, Susan, looking good. Hi, Jimmy. You smell nice. What's that scent you're wearing? - Scotchguard. - Cool. Hello. Smell you later. - Bye, Jimmy. - Bye, Susan. That's weird. I gotta go back on the pill. Jack, I thought you said you knew where Rochester lived. Well, it's been a while. Look. There's a guy selling star maps. GREG: Rochester was famous. Maybe his house is on there. Come on. I'm getting a feeling I'm never gonna see that meatloaf pan again. I wonder if they have a listing for-- Hey, pal. We need a little... Rochester? Never heard of him. It is you. Well, look who showed up for high tea. If it isn't the lousy rat who stole my job. Lay off, Rochie. The kid's all right. He just wanted to know how you were doing. I'm doing great. Because of him, I lost my house. I'm broke. The only job I could get is sitting here selling stupid maps in the hot sun. Look, I feel awful, Mr. Rabbit. I never meant to take your job. The whole thing's had me wracked with guilt... and it's been giving me the most terrible nightmares. Are you saying that to cheer me up? No, I was hoping that you might forgive me, you know... and that way, maybe my nightmares would stop. Forgive you? Forget it. As far as I'm concerned, you can go on having nightmares the rest of your life. [Rochester laughing manically] [Rochester coughing] You know, maybe you ought to move back about five feet. [Door opens] [Door opens] GREG: Mr. Bender. GlL: Yeah. ROCHESTER: Hey, Gil. GlL: Rochester! GlL: Greg, you brought Rochester in here. GREG: You bet I did. What a surprise. Can I get you something? You want a coffee, soft drink, a shower? Mr. Bender, do you remember when we did that skit on the show last week... about helping people when they're down? I thought that we could help Rochester by giving him a job at the show. What a great idea. Yes, great. Greg, can I see you outside for a second? Look, Gil, this wasn't my idea. The kid made me. So I'll just take that can of soda, and any other empties you might have... and I'll be on my way. - That's mighty fabric of you. - Thank you. - And listen, don't be a stranger. - All right. No. Wait, Rochester. Mr. Bender, if you don't hire Rochester, then I quit. - You would do that for me? - Yes, I would. So, Gil, are you recasting? Because I'm available. GlL: You were with the show for 15 years. ROCHESTER: Yes. - I think we can find you something. - Thanks. [Upbeat instrumental music] [Rochester grunting] I wish these fleshies would put their gum in the trash. Don't say a word, Demontague. Oh, Rochie. How far the mighty have fallen. It's just a little dry spell. I'll be back. I'm like John Travolta in between Grease and Pulp Fiction. Yes. Well, until Quentin Tarantino swoops in... there's an overflowing toilet in the men's can. [Warren laughs] I got your Tarantino. Hey, Warren. You shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down. Yeah, right. Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years... and tossed him out onto the street. You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant. No. I did that when he was on top. I'm saying don't kick him when he's down. There's a difference. SUSAN: Hey, Jimmy. jim: Hi, Susan. What's the rush there? Everybody's waiting for their lunches, so... And I would rather spend time with you. Is that crazy? I mean, call me crazy. Okay, crazy. You make me laugh, Jimmy. jim: I do? SUSAN: Yeah. jim: I do? SUSAN: Yeah. I've always wondered, are monsters ticklish? - You like a little tickle? - Come on, Jimmy. Stop that. I'm just saying that it's bizarre for you to call me on my cell phone... to tell me that cell phones give you cancer. Who's the tickle monster? You're the tickle monster. SUSAN: Almost there. jim: Okay. What are you guys doing? [Susan panting] Nothing. Me and Jimmy were just, you know, messing around. Yeah, I've got to deliver these sandwiches, but I'll catch you later, Suzie Q. [Susan moans] He wants me. Susan. [Alison exclaims] This is really difficult for me to say... and I'm only saying it because I don't want you to get hurt. I think Jimmy is flirting with you because he wants to get me jealous. Please! What would he want with a hairless, two-breasted woman... when he could have all this? [Rochester sighs] Mr. Rochester. Look at you. You're back and you're better than ever. And that trained bear wasn't as trained as I thought. GlL: Greg, ready for your turkey dance. GREG: Okay. Go enjoy the spotlight, kid. It burns out pretty fast. Yeah. [Sentimental instrumental music] - Greg! - Coming. [Greg yells] Greg? My ankle. - Are you okay? - No. I tripped, and I think it's sprained. [Greg groaning] - I don't think I can dance. - Great. Just great. But there's somebody here who can. Rochester. Yeah, right. You mean the new janitor? Puppet, please. Come on. He's a great dancer. Please, I know he can do this. Just give him a chance. Greg, this isn't some cheap cameo we're talking about here. The Perky Turkey dance happens to be the linchpin... to the whole Thanksgiving episode. Listen to me, as if I care. Rochie, do you think you can do this? What, are you kidding? Just give me a second to stretch. [Cracking] Okay, I'm good to go, baby. [Singing] As I was going on down the road, with tired team and a heavy load I cracked my whip and the leader sprung, I said "day-day" to the wagon tongue Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay [Greg humming] Look who's not limping anymore. Busted. It's okay. It's a nice thing you did for Rochester. Word. He is really busting a move out there. Really? I think he's doing pretty good. [Music playing] Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw [Screaming] GlL: Cut. Oh, my God! GREG: Is he okay? JACK: Watch it. GlL: Is he all right? Is he breathing? I think he's had a heart attack. Oh, my God! Rochester! Somebody call an ambulance. What's everybody standing around for? What, did Rochie dance himself to death? [Warren chuckling] He's dead. Great. Now I'm the jerk. Hi, Greggy. I came by to cheer you up. Thanks, Dottie. I sure could use it. I just can't believe that Rochester's dead. I met Rochie the day I moved out here. I was just a naive teenager from Iowa... all alone in a strange city. He was so nice to me. And now he's gone. [Sobbing] I'm going to miss him so much. Thanks for coming by to cheer me up, Dottie. That's okay. I just got this fax from Rochie's lawyer. His estate attorney, not his public defender. Apparently, in addition to my usual duties, I am now a funeral director. Here's a list of specifics Rochester requested for his memorial. We're not actually going to do this, are we? He was one sick cottontail. [Rock and roll music playing] [People chattering] This doesn't seem like a very respectful funeral. Look what they've done to Rochester. Well, Greg, when some people die, it's a time to be sad. You know, but when others die, like the Irish, or really evil people... it's time to celebrate. Anyone sitting here? No, go ahead, Susan. It's a funny thing... but I've heard that very often people hook up at funerals. Susan, we need to talk in private. [Susan exclaims] None of you ever knew this, but Rochester was my first. Who are you kidding? He told everybody. In graphic detail. But I guess you get the last laugh... because now he's the one laying there like a lox. [Warren laughing] Let's get this roast rolling. Rochie's starting to go bad. Of course anyone who saw him perform knows this isn't the first time... he ever stunk up a room. [People laughing] This is so wrong. Our first speaker needs no introduction, because he didn't show up. [All laughing] So, instead, here is Junction Jack Mars. Take it away, Junk. Give them hell, Jack. Thank you, Count Blah. And after seeing you... I can't help but think, "We're burying the wrong guy." You know, we were all shocked when Rochie had a heart attack. Smart money was on liver failure. And as a beloved television star... Rochester touched millions of adoring fans. Fortunately, only six of them pressed charges. [All laughing] [Groaning] And as a network executive... Rochie was always accusing me of being stiff and cold. Right back at you, Rochie. So you were using me to get to Alison? No. Yeah. But, you know, Rochie was a bit of a health nut. He always stuck to a balanced diet. A drink in each hand. [Crickets chirping] 'Cause the diet was balanced. I put together a little video tribute, because it's not the first time... Rochester's died on stage. [Cricket chirping] Yo, back off. The guy's funny. Oh, hell, why don't you just watch the damn video? [People clapping] Welcome to Rochester's Classic Story Time. That was close. [People laughing] [People laughing] [Gasping] So, when you're blind, like Becky here... a special dog can tell you when it's safe to cross the street. That's right. That sounds pretty safe to me. Get him off! What's wrong? Rochie really got mauled that day. [Moaning] I'm sorry. - Can we be friends? - Okay. How about friends with benefits? [Jim groaning] Jimmy and Susan. He doesn't even like her. He's trying to make me jealous. That's too bad. I just hope Susan doesn't get her feelings hurt. I just hope she doesn't eat his head. [Jim choking] I'm open! [Rochester muttering on TV] What happened to you? Man, did I get some tongue! Jimmy, you wouldn't believe what's happening in here. I thought we came to honor Rochester, not to mock him. It had to be, like, yea long. [Music playing on TV] [Laughing] [Soft instrumental music] [Warren sighs] [People clapping] [Grunting] [Blah clearing throat] Now, I'd like to bring up a funny, talented man. But, see, all we have is a damn dirty ape. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands or paws or whatever together... for Warren Demontague. Look out. [Warren clearing throat] As you all know, it's no secret that Rochie and I, we had our differences. Yeah, he was talented. [All laughing] I wrote a bunch of jokes, but I'm not... The thing is, I wasn't there when Rochie died... and I hadn't seen that tape before. Frankly, it moved me. [Sentimental instrumental music] I can think of nothing more beautiful... than to depart this earth doing what it is that you love. And in Rochester's case... performing, dancing under those bright lights... a hoofing cowboy, dying with his boots on. WARREN: So I salute you, Rochester, my rival, my friend... for going out in a grand theatrical style. And I tip my hat to Greg. Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive. A smile to shape his very last breath. WARREN: So, to Rochester. ALL: To Rochester. Thanks, Warren. That really makes me feel a lot better. No more nightmares for me. I don't know what came over me. I guess this whole thing's getting kind of sappy, isn't it? Oh, my God. The cigar. Rochester's on fire. That's more like it! Rochester! [Tense instrumental music] [People gasping] Now this is what I call a roast. [Gil chuckling] Nothing? [Grunts] [People laughing] [Laughing] Can I do that last line again? [Laughing] But Rochester was the most generous guy... I ever met. He's the kind of man who'd give you the sleeves off his vest. Sleeves. (SHOUTING) ("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME) (LOCK BEEPS) (MAN) I said Wednesday! - Geoff? - I haven't got it. Go away! Geoff, it's me, Mike. - What you doin' here? - Can I come in? Yeah. Come in. Sit down. Just...shift them grenades. Er... Does it smell in here? - A little bit. - It's them bins. I'm scared to take 'em down. Drink? Yeah, thanks. Get you a napkin. There we are. All nice and posh, look. So... What do you want? I suppose you've heard the rumours in the office? - About Brian getting bummed? - No. - By who? - Some bin men. No, it's about the cutbacks they're making in York. - What about 'em? - You know, don't you, that head office is scaling down injection moulding and putting more resources into absorbents? I know there's a head office. Right. Well, the knock-on effect is I've got to let someone go. - Mike, no! - This is so hard... - You can't break up the team. - I know... - Do you want me to tell him? - Eh? Brian. Less of a blow coming from me. No, Geoff... It's you. - What? - I'm having to let you go. - Me? ! What have I ever done? - Very little, Geoff... - Who's replacing me? Cheryl? - Nobody's replacing... Your mum? Oh, she's dead. Mine's not! - I can talk to Burnley... - I'm not goin' to Burnley! What can I say, then? I've been to York on bended knees. - That's all right, pal. - I've tried everything. Don't worry about it. Job done. Thanks for comin'. On your day off. Do you get extra? No! Just petrol money. - If there's anything I can... - Don't worry about me. "Always have a back-up plan," they said in TAs. 'Ere we go. I'll speak to my mate Don in London. - He says he'd get me work. - Well, great. - The London plastics scene... - Why would I do plastics? So what you gonna do? Comedy. - What? - Stand-up comedy. He runs a big, massive club. Says he can get me a slot any time. I'm gonna be famous. How about that? That's great, Geoff. - Just don't tell 'em "Mau-Mau". - Get out! (BEEP) Don, it's Geoff here. Geoff Tipps from TAs, you remember? I'm on me way to London now to make me fortune. I've been working on me comedy act. I'm all set, so get me booked in at your club. I'll see you tonight. I'll meet you at London Station at half past... or teatime. I'll see you, anyway. Go to Euston Square and jump on the Metropolitan Line. Change at Baker Street, then get off at Kilburn. In fact, get on the Hammersmith City Line to Paddington, then get on the Bakerloo Line and get off at Kilburn Park. Right, and that'll bring me out in London, will it? - You're in London now. - Oh, yeah. Er... Well, thanks for the lift. Yeah, good luck with your comedy act. - Thank you. - You're gonna need it. (INAUDIBLE) (MAN) This is Johnny. He has no friends or legs. Why do you hate me? I'm no different to you. I'm stronger than Superman in my own way. (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) How can you be Superman? You can't walk, never mind fly. - You freeze there. - Yeah. I just did. - What is it? - "But I'm flying..." But I'm flying in here. I can do anything in here. Go anywhere... Be... ..anyone. My heart isn't disabled. You can't take that away from me. Who says that I can't reach...for the stars? ! Dave, should the stick of ignorance be yellow? - I dunno. - It'd clarify the character, the whole yellow-bellied coward thing. - What about my character? - It's good, but I'm finding it hard not to hate you. Maybe if you added a stutter, you'd be more sympathetic? Oh, so being paraplegic isn't quite enough? The play's about all kinds of handicapped. - It's called "Vegetable Soup". - I don't think that's right. Fine. "Joey and the Wheelies". Now, this extended improv... - (GROANS) I'm not doing that. - What? Pretending to be disabled all afternoon. - I'm meeting someone for lunch. - That's the point. Real disabled people can't meet for lunch, can they? - Yeah. - Why do we have to do it? Stanislavsky? Method acting? What's your emotional memory of someone wiping your bum? - Don't ask him that! - We have to get under the skin. Be grateful it's not my play about eczema - "Scratch Patch". - Oh, what do we do, then? - You're going to have polio. Dave, you're going to be deaf-blind, one word. - You're deaf and blind. - Why can't Phil be deaf-blind? - Because I've got polio. - I'll have polio, then. Right, you've lost your tongue. You're mute, as well. - Oh, come on... - Mmm-mmm-mmm! You can start with the Getty. In character, please. Make sure he doesn't speak. You have to find other ways of communicating now. Here we are, Geoffrey. Welcome to the Salmon of Knowledge. I was beginning to think you'd got cold feet. No, I was just sightseeing. St Paul's and all that. Ah. So, you've packed in your wee job, have you? Well, the whole world of plastics is so see-through. This is where I want to be, in front of that crowd, getting that buzz. - Is this the way to the stage? - (LAUGHS) This is the stage. You're on it. - It's just a room above a pub! - You've got to start somewhere. I thought it'd be "The Good Old Days". All hats an' that. We get some important people in here, directors and such. - Like who? - Ollie Plimsolls. Who? Geoffrey, if you want to get your wee face on telly, you've come to the right place. Oh, no signal! God, I hate London sometimes. If it wasn't for Starbucks, it'd be, "Bye, England. You are the weakest link." - Do you know what I mean? - I think so. I think, "Go to India and live on a kibbutz." - You mean Israel? - Yeah, but all the bummings... That's pretty. How much is that? 35 squids? ! Piss off! You can get these in India for like 1p or something. Camden's such a rip-off. I love it. Can you smell spliff? Anyway, you, how are you? I ain't seen you in the longest. Isn't Tish your friend any more? Sorry, Tish. I've been a bit low recently. I love gay guys! You're so vulnerable, yet unthreatening. Do you know what I mean? So, how's your love life? - Since Rob and I split up... - Oh, before I forget - and I really want to hear this story - can I bum a ciggy? - I don't smoke. - Oh, that's the other one. I'm blobbing, so it's like, "Give me nicotine, caffeine. "Chill out, babe." Do you know what I mean? Oh! I love gay guys. You can talk about blobbing and boys, like you're with a girlfriend. Come on. Goss, goss, goss! I just find it hard since Robert left. Oh, darling! Don't! Come here. Let me give you a snuggle. Mwah! Me wish you were straight man. Me would sleep with you and have your babies. Hey, let's do the Bridget Jones thing - order a bottle of red Chardonnay and slag men off! - I've got to get back to work. - Oh, boring, boring. - Is that my moby? - (PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's my friend Scott. I'd better get it. Hi, Scott, babes. He's gay. You can fuck him. Where am I? Where are YOU? I'm outside Bruce's at the Lock. I'm with Phil, the actor. Yeah, that's him. Scott saw you die in "Family Affairs". Oh, don't be nasty, Scott. That's TV, it adds ten pounds. He does not! Scott says you look like that queer off "Gimme, Gimme". OK, have a look, but bring a straight guy for me. Where are you, then? Oh, I see you. Hoo-hoo! I'm so jel of you gay guys. You can sleep with each other. That's the beauty of Camden. You can be an individual. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! This is my friend Phil... Oh, shit. Where's he gone? # Gordon Brown taxes the poor # Gordon Brown, he's such a bore # Biting his nails, decentralizing Wales # His budget fails, poor Gordon Brown # (APPLAUSE) Schizophrenics there, ladies and gentlemen... Your face. I nearly went! - I know. It was corpse city. - A lot of pros in tonight. - I thought it was more joes. - No, they papered it. - Was it papered? - You know who was here? - The one in the black coat? - Yeah. Jed Hunter. No! - He did those Greenwoods ads? - "Scoobeev, got any oran doov?" - Yeah! Front row. - Oh, don't tell me that! You'll be fine. It's a really friendly crowd. OK, next up tonight, an old mate of mine. You're gonna love him. Give a big hand for Geoff Tipps. Just sort meself. God, who's been stood here, bloody Giant Haystacks? Me old mate Don. (Bummers are deaf.) Got him! Anyway, I'm Geoff Tipps. First time in London, the Big Smoke. You can tell you're in London. As you drive down the motorway, the cars get bigger. Not like Royston Vasey. Even though the cars are small, the blokes think they're driving Range Rovers. Big blokes driving round in their Reliant Robins, windows down, stubbing fags out on their girlfriends' arms, tattoos, radio blasting out, and it's like... No? Not noticed. Never mind. Maybe you haven't been to Vasey. What else? I'm sweating. People in London, have you noticed them? Well, you are them...but it's funny... Not to you, but... What was I saying? Oh, yeah, the tubes. There's a law. You can't look at anybody. No smoking, no staring. "Don't look, I'll turn to stone." Medusa's sat there or something. That divide, in't it? Northerners... are generally more friendly than you lot. For instance, that Reliant Robin stuff I did, they'd cheer, but you lot are like, "Is that the best he...?" You need Doris Stokes to get through to you lot. Is there anybody there? Knock three times! (THREE KNOCKS, WOMAN LAUGHS) Clever London people, aren't you? What do you know about Reliant Robins? Big mistake, Don. Big mistake. He said you'd laugh. I knew you wouldn't. So, why do you bother? Why bother coming out if you're not gonna laugh? Do you think, "I fancy a quiet night. I'll go to a library. "No, I'll go to the Salmon of Knowledge. Geoff Tipps is on, "Don's mate from Vasey." 'Cause it's easy, this. You could do better. I'm just crap. - Get off, then. - I will! - Hooray! - Oh, fuck off! Where you goin'? Scoobeev! Scoobeev! That it? Seen enough, have you, Mr Director? Can't wait till the end? That shit, am I? Ah, shame! I tell you what, you fuckin' do it, then, Mr Talent-Spotter, Advert Man! Go and make more money! Go on! Oh! Turn the lights off! Get rid of him! Very clever! Are you pleased? ! Er, Geoff Tipps, ladies and gentlemen. (SIGHS) He got a telegram from the Queen. His jokes are exactly 100 years old today. (FLY UNZIPS, TRICKLING) (FLY ZIPS, TOILET FLUSHES) (FOOTSTEPS) (WOMAN) Going to bed now, love? (MAN) Yeah. Night-night. - (WOMAN) Night-night. - Night- night. (MAN AND WOMAN) Night-night. - (FOREIGN MAN) Reception? - How much is a phone call? - Local or national call? - National. - £2 a unit. - Well, local. - £2 a unit. - What's a unit? - £2. - Right. Go on, then. (DIALS) (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Don, it's me, Geoff. - Hiya, Geoff. - What you doin'? Just having a curry and a glass of champagne. Sounds good. Listen, Don, I'm sorry about the other night. I don't know what went wrong. It was that Reliant Robin stuff. - Don't worry. - Thanks. You're a good friend. - Can I borrow some money? - What? Money. Everything's too dear in London. This is £2 a unit. Er... Listen, Geoffrey, you need to find yourself a job. I can't. I haven't got any skills. - Well, look. Can you drive? - That's not a skill. It is to me. I just bought meself a car for the wife. Surprise birthday present. I need to get it from Ilford. - There's 50 quid in it for you. - It's miles away. (MAN) No, it's not that far. (WOMAN) And it is 50 quid. - Go on. Gi's the address. - OK. Right. Here we are, then. Disabled people in a world geared to the able-bodied. - What's your disability? - I've got M.E. I'm really tired. I want to look at the positive aspects of disability. There may not be any, but there's a lot of negative connotations. "disabled", "DOWN'S syndrome". Why not "UP syndrome"? Because it was discovered by John Langden Down. Well, he's done a lot of damage. The first exercise is to cope with everyday situations like shopping. Dave, you can't see, speak or hear. Go and buy a cream cake. You want me to bump into things and make a dick of myself? Partly. Go with the flow. Stop blocking the improv. - You're not taking me in? - Too much hassle. - Can I help you, love? - Yes, please. I... He can't hear you. He's deaf-blind, one word. OK. Lesley, have you got them Braille menus? Don't help him! He's got to come in for a cake and leave with a sausage roll. - So he wants a cream cake? - I don't know. He can't speak. - He can point at it. - What are you pointing at? - Cake. - How do you know what cake is? You could be pointing at a brick. This is a cake shop. Is anyone with the bloke in the wheelchair? - Yes. I am. - He's fallen onto the pavement. - He's all right. Leave him. - He don't look all right. Stay there, you. Don't you sell him anything. Move! - Cream cake, love? - Yes, please. - Phil, on your feet. - Fallen. - Fallen on the floor. - Talk properly! - He's just started this. - If you give me a hand... - Leave him! He's only acting! - He's a bloody good actor. He's not! Get up! This isn't your exercise. It's Dave's. - What's happening? - Oh, give me that cake! - Cake! - Is he all right? - He won't get up. - Help me! No, you stay there all day! I'm sick of pushing you! - You ain't gonna leave him? - He can walk, you idiot! - You're not leavin' him! - Unless you know improvisation, I suggest you keep your fat, broken nose out of it! - Why did you say that? - I don't know. (LAUGHS) Go on, my son! I'm outside the hotel. I'll drop it off this avvy. (DON) Good man. I owe you one. Actually, the wife works down in Threadneedle Street, not too far from your hotel. Why don 't I meet you about four? Yeah, all right. Don 't let anyone see you. It's a surprise, remember. - Geoff? - Gotta go. I 'll see you later. - Mike, what are you doin' here? - I 'm lookin' for you. - What's all this wit' car? - I've just picked it up. - What you doin' here? - Bloody 'ell! I can't believe you've actually done it. Don't sound so surprised. Greasy fingers. You've not been here a week. There can't be this much money in stand-up comedy. Yeah, but...there is in adverts. - You're not doin' an advert? ! - I am. With that, er... Ned Huntem, that directs them Greenwoods ads. Not, "Scoobeev! Anybody godany bokle oran doov?" Yeah. So, if you'll excuse me, Mike, this is London. I've got loads to do. That was me agent faxing some e-mails. So... So... What? You've got an agent? Yeah. Agent, promoter, the lot. I told you I'd get on telly. How come they've got you staying in this shithole? They've put me here to write. You get all the paparazzi otherwise. You come to places like this to avoid the public...glaze. - I even get a pseudolin. - Oh. Your key, Mr Tipps. Obviously, he knows from my credit cards an' that. - What do you want, anyway? - It's irrelevant, really, now. What? I came to offer you your job back. - Checking out today, sir? - Yeah, I think so. What? It's Brian. He's done a runner, so I'm a man short. - Oh, well, I... - Jesus! As if you care now! Look at you! - I know. - Your bill, sir. - You know the pathetic thing? - What? I was gonna give you a company car. - You were? - Brand-new Polo. - GLX? - Yeah. Anyway, when can I see your act? Are you on tonight? Yeah, I am. Well, no. I am, but they've papered it, so it's more Joe than trade. Well, we'll have to wait till you're on telly, then. Don't forget your bill. Jesus! How much? ! Hoo-hoo! Different world, innit? There you go. See you, pal. Don't forget us if you come back up north. Ta-ta, Geoff. So, you're a famous man, then, Mr Tipps? No. You see these big blokes in their Reliant Robins - one arm out the window, radio blasting out, stubbing fags out on their girlfriends' arms... What else? Oh, the tubes. The tubes! There's like a law on the tubes. No smoking. No staring. "Don't look at me. I'll turn into stone!" Medusa sat there or somethin'. And what about the price of beer? £5.80? ! £2.10 in Vasey Con Club! (APPLAUSE) You know, ladies and gentlemen, it's funny you're laughing now, because the first time I did this act, it absolutely bombed. The car bomb exploded just after rush hour, but miraculously no one was seriously injured. The police have confirmed that there was no coded warning and no terrorist group has admitted to the attack. The Bank of England is nearby on Threadneedle Street... (DON) The wife works on Threadneedle Street. It's not far from your hotel. (REPORTER) We know that an Audi TT like this one was bought in Ilford by a man in his forties. - Police issued this photofit. - (MAN) God, he's ugly! - Shut up! - Police want to question him. (GASPS) Oh! Fat nose? ! (BUZZER) - (MAN) What? - Is Don there? It's six o'clock in the morning. I know, but I 'm a man and... I want to talk to Don! Don's gone. He resigned two days ago. Now piss off! Oi! That's our van! Dave! Phil! Quick! What the...? Someone...! Someone's stealing Bessie! (MUMBLES) - (MIKE) Who is this? - (MUMBLES) - It's me, Geoff. - Geoff! How's it goin'? I'm all right. I'm back in Vasey to write some material, and I was just...prepondering upon that, um...proposition. That open vacancy, would that still be a valid consideration? - What you on about? - Can I have me old job back? I'd be delighted. Brian's gone completely AWOL now. Good. I need to lay low for a while. I was talking to that Lenny Henry. It's always the best way to get new ideas. - Hey, we saw you on the telly! - What? ! We had the sound off, 'cause we were having our tea, - but it did look very funny. - (GEOFF) Oh, no! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIRENS WAIL) Mike, I can still work on Monday. Don't try and talk. You have serious facial injuries, Mr Tipps. - We'll have to operate. - But he's an actor! When we've finished, his own mother won't recognise him. Oh, good! In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. I ever tell you about my nephew Sandy? Once or twice. Well, his kid Josh just turned one, and got his own room. So Sandy buys this fancy intercom so they can listen to Josh and talk to him. Anyway, the first night, Sandy and Mel... Josh's mom? Yeah, decide to test it out. So, Sandy says, "Hi, Josh, are you there?" And then, no answer. So, he says again, "Please say something. Josh, talk to me. " Still nothing. Now they're starting to get nervous. It's the express. So he says again, "Josh, talk to me. " Still nothing... He says, "Josh, please say something... " No! Sorry to drag you out of bed. Girl tried to donate her body to the downtown express. No panties, torn shirt, fresh bruises on her thighs. Does she have any ID? Just some loose change. And she's not talking. Munch is checking out the security cameras right now. Give me a minute. Hi. I'm Olivia. Can you tell us your name? We'd really like to call your mom and dad, and let them know you're okay. I've got a daughter your age. I gotta tell you, if something like this happened, I'd want to be there for her. Please tell us your name. Jackie Landricks. Jackie, I'm Elliot. Where do you live? On 16th, in Chelsea. That was Munch. He's got something. We're gonna call your mom and dad and they'll meet you at the hospital, okay? No, please, don't tell them. They'll kill me. Jackie, this is not your fault. They're just gonna be glad you're safe. We got three cameras on that side of the station. Did you know the London Underground has a system for identifying potential suicides? It's called Cromatica. There she is. Your average suicide waits about 10 minutes. Cromatica will spot that, and sound an alarm. Now look at this. See there, the guy behind her? This is what we got on Camera 4. There's your girl again. That same guy's following Jackie too close. Can you freeze-frame on his face? Sure. Great. Print that out and let's go to the next camera. Camera 5, shows the platform. Still following her. There's too many people. He doesn't wanna make a move. Look at this. That was close. Looks like he's got something to hide. He's got a logo on his shirt. Can you blow this up? Done. The logo belongs to Mercury Bike Messenger Service. The night manager IDed him as Karl Sirett, 19. She said he was fired last month, spent more time visiting his girlfriends than delivering packages. Plus not all his deliveries were welcome. He's had two arrests for assault. All right, pull him in. Get his picture over to Benson and Stabler. We found fluids and abrasions to the vaginal walls and these. Restraint marks? I believe so. She was tied down and raped. Multiple times. I asked her if she'd had sexual relations before the attack, she said no. Her parents. I'll send the rape kit and the results of the pelvic to your lab. Okay. Mr. Landricks, I'm Detective Stabler. This is my partner, Detective Benson. Thank you for finding Jackie. We were real worried when she didn't come home. And then we got the call. Mr. Landricks, does Jackie have a boyfriend? No. It's procedure for us to request DNA samples from all male family members. I have two boys, Gary's 12, Jason's nine. You want them done, too? Just Gary, please. Whatever you need. Jackie, you think you can tell us what happened? I was coming home from school when this guy grabbed me. I was taking a short cut by the parking lot by AM on 10th. I heard a car pull up behind me and he pushed me into the car. Did you get a look at him? No. He said if I screamed he'd kill me. We drove a bit, and then he pulled me out of the car. We walked down some steps and I heard a door open. And then what happened? He tied me to a bed. He pulled off my clothes, and then he did it. How'd you escape? After he finished, he left. I loosened the straps and I ran. Jackie, I want to show you some photos, okay? He was following me at the subway station. Did he rape you? I don't know. I told you, I was blindfolded. I couldn't see anyone. Well, do you remember anything about the man who did do it? Something about his clothes, the sound of his voice... What is it, Jackie? His penis. It was pierced with a ring. How do you know that? He made me feel it. So why'd you run when she tried to kill herself? Those guys had it under control. Or you knew the cops were on the way, and she'd finger you. Finger me for what? We know you like attacking women. Did you go all the way with Jackie? Who's Jackie? The girl you followed into the subway, the girl you raped. I told you, I never saw that bitch before. "I never saw the girl, never met the bitch. " You should get a better story, don't you think? And you should learn to read. Those charges were dropped. We could clear this up real quick, Karl. Just give us a DNA sample. No way. And I was just beginning to think you were innocent. Any luck? It's a matter of time and gravity. You get a match on the restraint pattern? Well, M.E. Says that she remembers a female corpse being pulled out of the river two years ago, south of Chelsea Piers. No head, no fingers, but marks like these. Manhattan South Homicide couldn't ID her. Called her Chelsea Doe. Unsolved homicide. City should still have the corpse. Call Warner, see if she can dig up the body. Man needs to relieve himself. Jealous? No, but I am impressed. I believe the technical term for that is a Prince Albert. Ladies love the prince. The technical term for these are handcuffs. No. No. You're under arrest for the rape of Jackie Landricks. Bernardo, you're up late. I want my client. His roommate called me. He said you pulled him out of bed. You've held him more than five hours. Uncuff him and let him go. He's not going anywhere. He's under arrest for rape. Based on what evidence? Subway cameras show the victim tried to commit suicide to get away from him. That's tragic, really, but it's hardly proof that he raped her. She identified him also by the piercing on his penis. Oh, so he is the only man in New York City with a pierced schlong? And I assume you just happened to see his privates when you took him to the bathroom after you poured soda down his throat for five hours. Was he under arrest at the time? We were just shooting the breeze. Right. You think you're gonna get a free DNA sample out of that? Think again. I want to talk to the A.D.A. It's standard procedure to escort suspects to the facilities. Really? Is it standard procedure to inspect their genitals? You're not gonna claim it was an illegal search. You led him to believe he was in custody, when you didn't have probable cause to keep him in custody. That means, anything you got out of him, including sight of his privates, it's inadmissible. If he's innocent, you won't object to him giving a DNA sample. Oh, I will object, and I will win. So I'll see you in Chambers. She could win. I hope you have something else. How about a dead body? Chelsea Doe, Caucasian, brunette. I remember her. Pissed me off. Perp went to such extremes to make sure we couldn't ID her. These are the restraint marks on Jackie Landricks. What do you think? Similar, but not the same. We think Chelsea had rope burns. These on Jackie look like they were made from some kind of strap, like the kind you'd use to move furniture, tie up luggage. Was Chelsea raped? She was in the water two weeks. Long enough to wash away any useful fluids. How old was she? Late 20s. Head and fingers were cut off with some kind of cleaver, but she was probably strangled first. There were signs of capillary damage here. You think Jackie might have run into Chelsea's killer? We were hoping you could tell us. Well, if she did, you're not just looking for one killer. I got a preliminary result on the fluid. It was a mixed sample. Two blood types? Two rapists. And one of the samples showed traces of medication. Mevastatin, for high cholesterol. Maybe Karl had an older partner? What about dad? No. When he gave his DNA, I took blood as well. Blood type doesn't match. We better talk to Jackie. I'm sorry, Tom's on a job today, and we're baking cookies, so... Why don't we just keep this on the ground there, cowboy, okay? I run a day care center here, call me crazy. Sally and Jason, two of mine. I kept them home today. So, did you find anything out? We have reason to believe that Jackie was attacked by more than one man. Has she said anything? Hey, Jackie, how you feeling? I'm okay. Is there some place we could talk? Sure. Take them to your room, hon. Jackie, you said that one man raped you. Now, according to our forensics, there were two. I told you, I was blindfolded. Did you hear two voices? All I heard was, "Scream and I'll kill you. " Were there two different bodies? I don't know. I tried to block it out. Were there different smells, Jackie, like aftershave or soap? Hi, you're Sally, right? My name is Elliot. Has Jackie been bad? No. We're here to help her. Could I have your pen? Sure. Why do you want my pen? For a present for me. Sally, can you tell me who James Randall is? He lives with us. Mmm-hmm. And is he, you know, old like me? Worse. Can I go now? Yeah. Jackie, what can you tell me about Mr. Randall? What do you mean, what can I tell you? How long has he lived down the hall? Couple months, I guess. Has he ever bothered you? No. You're telling me he's never bothered you before? Yes. Why are you asking me these questions? Elliot, what's going on? Mr. Randall takes Mevastatin, for his high cholesterol. No wonder she's not talking. Her rapist lives right next door. Just because I have high cholesterol doesn't mean I raped anybody. So it's just a coincidence, Mr. Randall, that the medication you take wound up inside Jackie Landricks? Yeah, it's just a coincidence. Lots of guys have high cholesterol. Lots of guys don't live next to the victim's bedroom. Jackie's kind of hot, but schoolgirls aren't my scene. Know him? I've never seen him before. Explain something to me. What's a hotshot ad exec doing slumming it at the Landricks'? I had some bad breaks. The last time I looked that wasn't a crime. Are we done? No, we're just getting started. You think she's kind of hot? God, who the hell is that? You raped Jackie Landricks. Did you rape and murder this girl, too? No. Then give us a DNA sample. You want a DNA sample, sure, I'll give you a DNA sample. Just get me a plastic cup or a pretty woman, I'll give you all the DNA you want. Put it away, Mr. Randall, all we need is to swab inside your mouth. A guilty man doesn't usually offer up his DNA. Which means he's either really dumb, or really innocent. That was the lab with the results from Jackie's pelvic. Jackie has cervical dysplasia. Our girl with no boyfriends has had a lot of them. I'm sure she doesn't want daddy finding out about that. Where are we on Karl Sirett? The judge refused to give the order for Karl's DNA. On what grounds? Police misconduct. Apparently we coerced the suspect into self-incrimination by taking him to the john. And Cabot let him get off on that crap? She said we did. Munch, Fin, see if you can find a connection between these two losers. Elliot, Olivia, get over to Jackie's school, check if anybody knows who Jackie's boyfriends are. I don't feel comfortable discussing my students' personal lives with you. Miss Bowen, the principal says that you've come to him with concerns about Jackie. Now we're on the same side here. Jackie has real potential. She has a gift for writing. She's bright. But? Several students told me she's been sleeping around. Did you ask her about it? Yes. She said she'd been dating this senior. She promised she'd stop. And you believe her? She tells me the truth. When did these two start dating each other? Last year, when she was a freshman. When she was 14. How old was he? Eighteen. Miss Bowen, that's considered statutory rape. Do you know how many of my 14 and 15-year-olds are having sex with older boys? The relationship was consensual and it stopped the moment I found out. Did you contact her parents? I suggested we talk to them, but Jackie begged me not to, said they'd kill her. Did you talk to the boy? I told him, if he went near Jackie again, I'd cut his balls off. What's this guy's name? Karl Sirett. It's our Prince Albert. You know Karl Sirett, don't you? Yes. And you went out with him, and you had sex with him? It's all right, sweetheart. Just tell them. Yes. When did it stop? About a month ago. I broke up with him after my teacher, Miss Bowen, talked to me. She knew about this? Did Karl rape you? I don't know who raped me. Jackie, you picked him out. Because you showed me his photo. I wanted somebody to blame. Why was he following you? Because he saw me outside the station. He hangs out at the deli out there. If Karl didn't rape you, who did? I told you, I was blindfolded, I couldn't see. Jackie, please. We cannot help you unless you tell us everything. I am telling you everything, you just won't believe me. Can I go to my room now? Sure. So, you think this Karl guy's in the clear? We don't know. I mean, you heard Jackie, she didn't see anything. What about that bastard Randall? I mean, I thought you'd arrested him. We questioned him, but without Jackie's ID, we couldn't hold him. You know, I gotta ask you something. Why would you let a 40-year-old man rent a room right next to your 15-year-old daughter? Why? Because I need my head examined. We needed the money. And usually, I only rent to women, students, but Randall seemed okay. Hey, honey, we're back. Oh. Hey. I did this! Oh. Don't pick up, I did it. Has something happened? Well, we're working on a number of leads. Good. I've been so worried about Jackie. Yeah, it might be a good idea if you would talk to her. She's got a lot of stuff going on. I got you a present. You did? Don't tell. I know the case. 15-year-old rape victim. Well, this is about her little sister. She's six years old, unusually friendly. Asks strangers for presents, gives them presents. She's just a little too affectionate. Sometimes that kind of inappropriate behavior is a sign of abuse. I've seen abuse of families. And her parents seem to love the kids, and the kids seem happy. M.E. Got a DNA match on one of the samples. Charles Eno, did time for robbery and assault, lives a block from the Landricks'. We're picking him up. And here's the best part. Two years ago, he worked as a butcher in the meat-packing district. Where were you last night, Mr. Eno? Home till 11:30. Then I went to the club. I work security. Anyone can back you on that? I live by myself. And you were watching TV, didn't go out to dinner, nobody in the world saw you. And I didn't rape no girl. Well, your sperm tell a different story. That's crap. No. You raped Jackie Landricks and you left your calling card inside of her. Big guy like you have to tie up a defenseless girl. No. I didn't tie up no girl, man. Just like two years ago, in the meat-packing district, when you were chopping up those carcasses. You chop her up, too? You're sick! What do you think I am? A rapist and a murderer. All right. I had sex with Angie Landricks, but I never touched the girl. You had sex with Jackie's mother? Yeah! Why would I mess with jailbait when I could get it from her moms? We've got his DNA inside her, he just put himself in the apartment. Why's he holding out? Maybe he's doing them both, and doesn't want to cop to statutory. M.E. Just called with a match on the second sperm sample. Karl Sirett's in the clear. It's James Randall. The jackass who gave up his DNA. I swear I never laid a hand on her. Right. Your little tadpoles just swam in all by themselves. Do you know him? Yeah. He works at a club I go to. Oh, I think you know him better than that. Jackie Landricks, she some kind of joint project you and big Charlie work on together? God, what are you talking about? There were two semen samples inside the girl. One yours, and one Mr. Eno's. I didn't touch the girl! Don't tell me, you just had sex with her mom. Yeah, that's right. That's pretty ballsy, doing it right under her husband's nose. What the hell? He paid me to do it. He paid you to have sex with his wife? Yeah. He likes to watch. Is it possible that Eno and Randall aren't just lying scum, Doc? Is there any evidence that they abducted Jackie together? Well, they claim their only connection is they were both servicing Mrs. Landricks. Then from what you've told me about Jackie's behavior, and her little sister's, I'd say dad is a sexually obsessive narcissist. You telling me this guy gets his kicks from prostituting his wife and daughters? His family is his own little cult. They devote themselves to making him happy. You think he's abusing Sally, too? I don't know if she's sexually abused, but I wouldn't be surprised if she knew exactly what went on. Well, there's sex education for you. Dad doesn't even have to touch his daughters. Just treating them as adults turns them into his own vicarious sexual partners. They don't tell because he's their dad, and they love him. It's called child sexual abuse accommodation syndrome. If Jackie talks, she's responsible for breaking up the family. All right, besides the fact that none of the evidence implicates Tom Landricks, just tell me why. My guess is that he's impotent, possibly infertile. His family is the only area where he has power. Angie Landricks is running a day care center from their home. Captain, we've got to get those kids out of there. Then bring Angie in. She sees her world falling apart, she just might tell us what the hell's going on. Wait... No! Jackie, Jackie, come on. You can't do this. Please. I have to call their parents. We can take care of it. I have to call Tom. What have you done? Come on. Come on. Come on. Why are you trying to hurt us? I don't understand! I'm sorry. Detective Benson, we've got a problem. There's no record of these two in the home. No names, no addresses. What does Mrs. Landricks say? Nothing I can repeat. Can you tell me who they are, over here? That's Phillip and that's Antoine. Who's their mom? Mom is. Who's their real mom? My mom is, stupid. They're my brothers. We checked birth records. Phillip and Antoine are your kids. I never said they weren't. Well, who are the dads? I don't know. You don't know. Well, how does your husband feel about that? Him being so big on family and all? He wanted me to have the kids. He wanted you to have the kids. Sally was his last. He can't have any more. That's very sad. So he just pulls men off the streets, and lets them play inseminator? Tom wanted more kids. I wanted to keep him happy. Well, how long are you gonna go on keeping Tom happy? I can't give him any more. It was Phillip. His birth went wrong. I had to have a hysterectomy. I can't have any more children. You can't have any more children. So what, Jackie's the next best thing? No. You used your own daughter. No. Those men did. Randall and Eno. They swear that they didn't. But they're lying. Either you let them rape your daughter, or your husband took their semen out of you and did it himself. That's disgusting. You're disgusting! You are! Your own child! I want to talk to Tom. We would never hurt our children. Never, we love them. I want my husband. Where are you two going? To talk to Jackie Landricks. Uh-uh. Kid's not at Lait House. She's been moved to Adams' Treatment Center. What happened? Some kind of breakdown. Better talk to the doc. Where are my children? They've been removed for their own safety. You can't do this. Where are they? Mr. Landricks, your children are safe, you'll need to contact ACS. Where's my wife? She's answering some questions. And giving some answers. You bastard, I trusted you. And your kids trusted you. Elliot, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, come on, come on! Come and sit down somewhere quiet, Mr. Landricks, and talk this thing over. What's going on? Regression in service of the ego. When the present gets too frightening, people try to escape to a safer time. Can she recover? Children are incredibly fragile. And incredibly resilient. Jackie could go either way. She's playing with dolls. How do you know she's not faking? You don't. Not until you talk to her. Who, me? No. No. No, no, no. No, you're the shrink. And you're the dad. That's what she's looking for, another father. This is Cindy. Isn't she pretty? She's very pretty. Do you like playing with dolls? Of course. This is Cindy's friend, Bear. He likes her very much, don't you, Bear? Why does he like her? Because Cindy knows what Bear wants. And what do I want? You want Cindy to be nice to you. And how are you gonna be nice to me? She'll make you feel good. Do you want her to show you? It's okay. I know what to do. Yeah? How do you know what to do? 'Cause I've watched. Who did you watch, Jackie? My mom. You watched her with other men? Is that what you want to do? Daddy said I couldn't. That's because he is selfish. He just wants to keep you all for himself. He loves me. Sometimes, people say that they love you, and they can do bad things. No! He loves me! He loves me! He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you. Look what he's done to you. He's using you. He's using you. Jackie, I know why you ran. You're safe. Talk to me. He told me mom couldn't have a baby. He said that made him sad. He asked me to help him. He wanted you to have a baby? I didn't want to. But he said I was old enough now and that I had to. For the family. Okay. Okay. Tell me what happened. He took me to my bedroom. He took off my clothes. He told me to lie down on the bed. Then I saw he had this syringe. I tried to get away, but he caught me. He pinned me down. Then I saw my mom. I begged her to make him stop, but she wouldn't. What did he do to you? He pushed the syringe into me. He said, "Good girl. " It's all right. I'll make this as painless as I can. My client is ready to plead guilty to promoting prostitution. You're trying to get him off on a misdemeanor? He tied down his own daughter and tried to inseminate her. Angie Landricks denies it happened. The forensic evidence proves Tom Landricks didn't rape her. And your search of the apartment turned up absolutely nothing. This is all a figment of a disturbed child's imagination. The forensics will confirm Jackie's testimony, that her father attempted to impregnate her using other men's semen. Jackie was just transferred to a psychiatric treatment facility. You think a jury is gonna buy her crazy story? I think when a jury hears that your client paid strangers to screw his wife, they're gonna believe pretty much anything she says. You put Jackie on the stand, I'll be forced to bring up her promiscuity, her false accusations of rape, her lies... Take the deal, Alex. I love my daughter. She means everything to me. I would never harm a hair on her head. Shut up. I'll see you in court. Your honor, I'm showing the witness what has been marked as the People's 967 in evidence. These are photographs of the night you were taken to Saint Gregory's Hospital. How did you get these bruises? Straps. And how did the straps cause them? I was tied up. Across here, and here. Now, Jackie, where were you tied up? To a bed. Whose bed? What do you mean? Was the bed in your house, Jackie? It might have been. Who tied you to the bed? Who did this to you, Jackie? I don't know. Is the man who tied you up in this courtroom? Jackie, please answer the question. Your Honor, why is counsel badgering her own witness? Miss Cabot, do you wish to continue? One moment, Your Honor. Jackie, do you recall your grand jury testimony? You said, "He made me take off my clothes. "I tried to get away, but he caught me and he tied me down. " Who was that man? I was blindfolded. I couldn't see him. Do you remember what you told the grand jury? I said what you wanted me to say. I asked you to tell me the truth. I was scared. That policeman told me that my father was bad. He told me to say that my dad did bad things to me, but dad wouldn't, he just wouldn't. So who did them? I told you, I don't know. No further questions, Your Honor. Just one question, Jackie. Did your mom and dad ever hurt you? Never. You heard Tom Landricks is getting his family back? It gets worse. ACS just called. Jackie's pregnant and wants to keep the baby. Daddy's turkey basting worked. Well, what the hell happened to the morning-after pill? It's standard in rape cases. By the time we got to the hospital, Jackie's parents were already with her. They must have talked her out of it. So the bastard gets away with impregnating his daughter, and gets to keep the kid. And little Antoine and Phillip are gonna be uncles. How old are Antoine and Phillip? Four and two. Wonder why he took so long. To do what? Well, Angie had her hysterectomy two years ago. If he wanted more kids, why wait two years to use Jackie as a baby-farm? What if he didn't wait? What if he tried this on someone else before? Chelsea Doe? The restraint patterns are consistent. Well, if we can't get him for rape, go after him for murder. You think Landricks is a murderer, and not just a sick freak? Since when did those two exclude each other? Randall rented a room at the Landricks, but Tom said that he usually took in women. What if one of them was Chelsea Doe? Munch, Fin, canvas the neighbors. See if there was a woman living there, around the time Chelsea Doe was murdered. Olivia, Elliot, check with HRA, missing persons, social services, DMV, check bank records. I'm going to introduce the doc to Chelsea Doe. The head was removed post-mortem? Yes, death by strangulation. Which suggests that it wasn't planned. The murder was an act of fear or rage. A hand is easier to cut off at the wrist, but he takes off the fingers. Why? Souvenirs. The British serial killer Fred West collected bones. Fingers, kneecaps, vertebrae. But that increases the risk of discovery. And the feeling of power. The victim may be dead, but he still owns them. Do you think Landricks could've killed her? Tom Landricks enjoys violating the rights of others, which is the mark of an antisocial personality. But he also exhibits schizotypal features, which provoke him to act out his fantasies, sometimes violent ones. Look at these restraint marks. He keeps the arms and the legs free so that the victim will fight, making his dominance more satisfying. Yes, he could kill, and grow to enjoy it. Captain, DMV records show that two-and-a-half years ago, a 28-year-old Karen Stenslin gave the Landricks' as her home address. And? And there's been no movement on her social security number since Chelsea Doe's body was found in the Hudson. Where do her folks live? Only living relative is her grandmother. Lives in Jersey. Teaneck. What are you waiting for? I'm afraid I haven't spoken to Karen for a long time. Is it important? Well, actually, it is. Do you have any idea how we could get in touch with her? Well, I'm afraid that would be rather difficult. You see, she moved to Europe. She got a job there. And how long ago was that? Oh, well, nearly two years now. Now, I know that a telephone is expensive, but I do wish that she would call. That postcard there was the last time I heard from her. Manhattan postmark. Check out the date. Couple of weeks before Chelsea Doe was found. Karen's not in any trouble, is she? This postcard doesn't mention anything about Europe. No. That nice man that she lived with in New York, he told me. She was the nanny for his children. Is this Karen? Yes, isn't she lovely? She is lovely. So is the bracelet. It was her mother's. She died when Karen was very young. Karen always wears it. Hi, Sally. Hey, remember you gave this to me? I want it back. Where did you get it? Where'd you get this? It's mine. You know, it's so pretty, Sally. I'd like to have one like this. Can you tell me who gave it to you? Sally, can you tell me who gave this to you? Nobody. I took it. Where from? Jackie's drawer. Jackie, is that yours? Whose is it? It's Karen's. What happened to Karen? She went away. And she gave that to you before she left? No. I found it. Where, Jackie? In Karen's room, underneath her bed. Which room is Karen's? Randall's. Used ground-probing radar to locate the void. Had to dig through two feet of solid concrete. I think I've got a skull here. It has to be Karen. We went digging around your apartment, Tom, and guess what we found. Karen's head. No, Karen's in London. She's got a job there. This is a mistake. This is a mistake, too? These are Karen's fingers that we found along with her head in your basement. Mistake? There is no way that I would hurt Karen. The kids loved her. You are setting me up! You put those terrible things there. Under two feet of concrete? Tom. We know that it's Karen. How, for God's sake? Her mitochondrial DNA was an identical match to the grandmother. What are they talking about? I didn't do anything. You know something, I'm done with this guy. Yeah, you did. You tied her up. You raped her. You killed her. You tried to hide her body. Next time I see you, you're gonna have a needle in your arm. Keep denying it. What happened, Tom? Did she try to run away? Threaten to call the police? She tried to destroy us. She said she'd have a baby, then she backed down. Mr. Landricks, you don't have to go through this. She said she'd tell. She said she'd make them take our kids away. So you had to kill her. I had to protect my family. If there are no children, the family dies. What about Jackie? She tried to run away. Were you gonna kill her, too? No. I'd never hurt Jackie. Well, she's hurting now, Tom. She's got a baby inside of her that you put there. Jackie loves me, she knows that I love her. And she'll do what's best for the family. How are they doing? Okay. And you? Okay. That's good. I've been following Dad's trial. Well, that must be tough. It's weird. Like I'm watching somebody I don't even know. He's my dad. He did all those horrible things and he's my dad. But you got away. Yeah, I did. I'm not gonna keep the baby. It's what Dad would have wanted, isn't it? I'm not gonna do that anymore. What a shame for our family, my son in fresh air. Only cats and small mice behave like that! No, mom. When are you going to learn what's best for rats? This fresh air isn't good for you. Let go of me. I want to stay here. It's time your father took some responsibility. Maybe you should be here more... Get back in the sewer this instant! No! Not the sewer! Hey. That was my ball you hit. Take it easy, I won the round! Who's the boss? Who's the boss? Eh hi, honey. - I'm never going to get married. - Don't worry! It's time you took some responsibility! Who did you say was the boss? What will the other rats say when they see this? Don't you ever think Guggen has to grow up some day? He has to learn to survive down here, and it's your job to teach him! By the way, do you realize that the big rat party is tomorrow, and we have run out of cheese? What will the other rat families say when there's no more cheese on the table? We have a reputation to think about! We're working on this big Gouda scheme. Enough about Gouda already! You have been talking about this Gouda expedition for almost two rat years! Find some cheese, and teach Guggen about the sewer and how to be a rat! I don't want him to end up like a sissy on the roof. Do you understand? If so, it's the first time! You want me to go on a trip, with you? Hello there, Mr. Fresh Air! What do you know about mozzarella and Parmesan? What are you talking about? A cheese store so big and full of delicacies that... We aren't going off on that trip today, are we, Roger? - And don't forget the cheese! - Pack up your gear, folks! Pepper, you take the map, since you have the best sense of smell. Salt, you watch Pepper! Guggen, it's time we turn you into a real rat. You come with us! Welcome to the sewer, Guggen. According to both your nose and the map we have to cross over here to get to the cheese! - Yes, but we have a problem. - What kind of a problem? The problem is... eh... the problem... Pepper means the cat on the other side of the bridge. Oh, no! Conrad Cat, the family killer! OK! Let's do the old wait on the inhale, run for the exhale-trick. What? Inhale... exhale... What do you mean? Hey, You! Look and learn! Wait! Run! Come on, Guggen, now! Run. Guggen! Awesome! You lit Conrad up like a... a... It's dark, cold and dangerous down here. Can we go home now? What's this? You snob! Get your act together, kid, this is a rats world. We have cheese to find. Come on! Time to check the map, snifflebug? One of these pipes leads to Bile the Giant Spider's pipe. I'll guide us around! Oh, no. We are in the giant spider's pipes. You said around, right? I was sure you said you were going to guide us around! Holy Gouda! Headlamps. Quick! Pepper, make a scary shadow on the wall! OK, I'll get that! Nooo! Are you crazy? Try this! Let me do it. Relax, relax... It was just a shadow. Good job, Guggen, you're starting to learn... Rats that unite can achieve anything! Do I have a son that wants to knit? Checking the map. Let me see... It looks like we might have something here! Holy mozzarella! Tell me what's it like up there... what can you see? Gooooouuuuddaaaaa! The rat party! Wake up... we have to go home for the rat party. Have... to... get... home... for... cheese... party... Mmf! Roger! We have a problem! Take as much cheese as you can carry, folks. Let's get out of here! Are you sure this is the same way as we came? I can count on that you are 100% certain this is where we came from? Pepper, why don't you check the map'! Check the map, yes... hmf... we have a problem. You lost the map? But I had it right here! I'm sure I'll find it soon. Yes, yes... Why are you looking at me like that? Nice, guests. We're just passing through! How nice of you to visit a tired old alligator. That's nice... bye. No, don't leave me... Everyone thinks I'm only interested in one thing, but actually I'm pretty tired of food. I ate the plate by accident. My eyes aren't as good as they once were. I think he's just following the light from our lamps. What do you say, dear friends? Suddenly I feel very hungry. Pepper, lei me borrow your lamp. And since you are four, bright rats, at least one of you would be appropriate for a light lunch. Turn off your headlamps... Now! Ruuuuuuun! Come on, Pepper. Please! In here... In here. Eh... it looks like we just ran out of cheese... And we still don't have a map! I know it! We're doomed! Take it easy. I know how we can get home! Look! Another one of your ugly tags? Don't you get it? I have tagged the entire way from home to here. If we follow my tags, we will find our way home. I see you've gotten fat... but where is the cheese for the party? Answer me, Roger! Also you, my son Guggen! Pull this, mom, and you'll see. Perhaps he has a different father, or he has all his genes from my side of the family! Dad! Some day I'll be a real rat, too... You are already a real rat, Guggen. You are hilarious! Okay, see, last night, when I said to you, 'Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven, what I actually meant was, 'Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up at seven in case when seven comes, I actually wanna get up,' which – as it happened – I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002. No survivors? The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation. - This is decaf. - What are you talking about? - You switched my coffee again. - I'm a busy man. I don't have time to sneak around switching your coffee. I have a diner to run, I have shipments to order, I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that? Under the sink, very clever, but not clever enough bucko. Okay, fine, you know what? I give up. - Go one day without coffee. - That's not giving up. - I'll put a toy in your cereal. - Dirty! - Fine, here, you win. - Thank you. You're welcome. Now you're up, you're fed, I'm leaving. Oh, hey, we need q-tips. - I'll alert the media. - See, that's better with the accent. The reference is enough, you'll learn that one day. I'll be home early, anything besides the q-tips? Cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back. Goodbye crazy lady. - Goodbye Sid and Nancy. - Leopold and Loeb. - What? - I changed my mind, don't tell Rory. - Decaf. - Never. - They'll both have two heads. - More to love. - Hello? - You have to come home. - Mom? - You're gone and the house is quiet and Bill Maher's canceled. The name of the show was Politically Incorrect for God's sake. Didn't anybody read the title? He was supposed to say those things, dammit! - You had another dream. - Yes. - The doctor is in. - Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke! - Was he naked? - No! He was making breakfast. - Naked? - Okay, you've been in Washington way too long. - Sorry. Go ahead, he was making breakfast... - Eggs and pancakes and bacon, and he put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag, which of course I knew immediately. - Hi, the nose. - Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink. He hands me my breakfast, and then... What? He kissed me and talked to my stomach! - Why would he do that? - Because apparently I'm pregnant! - What? - With twins! - Say something. - You are going to be so fat. - Just analyze my dream, please. - Okay. Well, your dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you wanna marry him and have his twins. - No, try again. - What do you mean, try again? You asked me to analyze your dream, I analyzed your dream. Yes, well, I reject that analysis, so I'd like another one, please. You can't just reject an analysis and try again. You're not shopping for bathing suits here. Give me another analysis or I'll put your Taylor hula-hooping dream into a whole other context. I told you, Taylor was supposed to be Dean. I could tell by his freakishly thick head of hair. I'm waiting. Okay, maybe you're still upset about what happened with Dad and you're jealous of Sherry because she's having his baby and not you. Mom? - I miss you. - I miss you, too. Woodward... Bernstein... Harry Thomason. Is that Paris? Yeah, she talks in her sleep... long in-depth arguments. - I'm so glad I only have one more day here. - Me, too. What do you have on your agenda for tomorrow? Or, today, actually. We have a breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate. Cool. See if you can steal me something off of Tom Daschle's fruit plate. - I'll see what I can do. - See you Friday, doc. See you Friday. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. - No way. - I swear. - Kosher bacon. - Beef not pork. - I am so Jewish. - Hey Sookie, where's my... - Jackson, hold on! Lorelai's here! - Oh, Jackson, I'm in the kitchen! - I'm eating bacon, so don't... ahhhhh! - Will you stop it? I'm dressed. Well, how do I know you weren't showering and the hot water went out and you rushed down here with nothing but a teeny tiny towel in front of ya. - Once, that happened once. - Well, once was enough. Oh, hey, honey, I got those paint chips that we were talking about. - Do you wanna look at them now? - Nope. But it'll only take a minute and I actually went though and picked out a couple of colors for you. - What are you painting? - Nothing. - The house. - The whole house? - No. - Just the inside. Ah, that's a pretty big undertaking. It's not such a big undertaking since we're not undertaking it. - I know, but it'll be fun. - Rory and I'll help if you want. Okay, if you're gonna come over here everyday, you have to actually hear both of us. Oh. Well, tell me why you're not painting just the inside of the house? Because it was my house and now it's our house and I want it to feel like our house. - I'm totally happy with the way this house feels. - How can you be? There's flowers everywhere. - I like flowers... I'm a produce guy. - The curtains are ruffly. - I like ruffles. - How can you like ruffles? - Because I'm very, very gay. - Jackson! Judy, Vincent has to go to work now. Goodbye Lorelai. - Tell her I'm fine, I like things just the way they are. - I'll try. All right, I've only got a minute and then I have to leave. - Is there any more bacon? - Have mine. What do you think about mahogany for the living room and then midnight blue for the hallway and the bedroom? Sookie, Jackson just said he's fine with how everything is. I don't think it's bugging him. Well, he may not think so now but it'll bug him eventually and then he'll resent this place and me by extension and I would like to avoid that. And I can – I just need to butch the place up a little. Now, help me pick a color. - Okay, I can't now, but I'll do it later. - Okay. Thanks for breakfast, it was amazing, I love you, I love the bacon. Hey, bacon's manly. Why don't you just nail a bunch of packages of Kosher bacon on the walls? Smells like meat blessed by a rabbi – - now that's a manly house. - Bye-bye. Okay, but if you're still thinking paint, you're still thinking like a chick. Watch those streamers! And not too much red near that tree – light touch, light touch, light touch. - Hey Taylor, how's the leg? - It's just fine. Still haven't found out who put that banana peel on your doorstep, huh? No, but I have a list of suspects. Hey, what's all this for? This, young lady, is for the first annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival. You finally found a way to fill September, didn't ya? This is gonna be a very exciting day. I'm really gonna go all out for this. I even think you'll be impressed. - Really, even me? - Yes-sir-ee, mini-me, I did not put the word madness in the title for nothing. This place is gonna be crazy, wild – food, games, we've even got a band coming all the way from New York! - New York, that's just nuts! - And wait 'til you see the banner I ordered. It's gonna make every other banner we've ever had look downright embarrassing. - Taylor, you're on fire. - Oh, I love this banner! - I can't wait to see it. - Well, come on Friday. Excuse me... young lady... young lady? You know I'm talking to you. The blonde woman with the ribbons, please slow down. I'm in a wheelchair, young lady, I can't run after you. I mean, come on, Senator Boxer, as one of our foremost Democratic leaders, I ask you – do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently he's a saint, he's going to save the world, yada, yada, yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain, don't we? I mean, aren't we at least trying to pretend we're the superpower in this world? I mean, why not just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East next time Cheney goes, huh? Or hey, hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets with NATO. - I mean, hell! Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right? - Oh, great, Doug. Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California? You don't? Great. You two will have so much to talk about. Bye. - Barbara... - Ose, right? - Yes that's right. - Let's take a walk. - Last day here. - Yup. - So, in your opinion, how was our nation's capital? My husband and I run this hotel. I understand you employ an Edith johnstone. Edith. She's not in any trouble, is she? She's been with us now for 5 or 6 months. She's always seemed quite reliable. And where did you find her? She was working in a smaller hotel near Hastings before she came here. The Crescent. She have references? Excellent references. It's almost impossible to find good staff at the moment. May I ask what it is she's done? Yes, you can, but I'm not at liberty to tell you at the moment. Oh, I quite understand. Did she ever express any sort of political opinion? Political? Well, um, the way things are going, events in Germany, for example. I really couldn't say, Mr. foyle. It's never been my habit to hobnob with the staff. [Door opens] This is my husband--Arthur. This is Mr. foyle, a police officer. Good morning. Really? Why? I mean-- he's been making inquiries about Edith johnstone. Edith? Where is she? What's she done? She hasn't done anything as far as I know, and I'm afraid Mr. foyle is refusing to enlighten me. Uh, did she ever tell you where she came from? Yes. She came from Norfolk. Yes, yes. That's right. Well, thank you for your time. Why was he asking about Edith? It doesn't matter. It's nothing to do with us. Having the police here now? We've got nothing to be afraid of. We have nothing to hide. We're breaking the law. Arthur, we've been through all this, and I have told you, a week from now, there will be no law. Who was that just now? Oh, it was nothing, Mr. fleming. A police officer. What did he want? He was just making inquiries about one of our staff. Nothing important. Good. This is very decent of you, sir. It's perfectly all right, Sam. I've never been particularly fond of sandwiches. I seem to have been brought up on them. Too many tea parties. These are very good, though. My father says, you should always eat 4 times a day. He says it's healthier. He's a vicar, isn't he, didn't you say? Mm. But he cycles and swims. He's very fit. And how's milner settling in? He seems all right, sir. I think he's glad to have a new leg, although the doctor says he wasn't supposed to wear it for another 6 weeks. He seemed very determined. There we are. Miss, excuse me. I wonder if you could help me. I'm Dorothy. Everyone calls me dot. Dorothy, do you, by any chance, remember an Edith johnstone who used to work here? Edie, yeah. Why do you want to know? You're not her dad, are you? Uh, no. I'm a police officer. Is she in trouble? No. How well did you know her? Not that well, really. She'd been working in London. Then she came down here, but she said they weren't paying her enough, so she moved. Oh. Lots of friends? I couldn't say. There was a man she used to walk out with. And what was his name? I don't know. I don't know anything about him. They're a bit like that, aren't they? What? Boyfriends. Here today, gone tomorrow. And it's over so quickly, you hardly get to know what they're called. He wasn't like that. Was he a soldier? I don't know what he was. He was a nice boy. Edie was crazy about him. David. That was his name, if you really want to know. David Lane. Right. Thank you. Well done, Sam. It's all right. Is that the last lemon curd? Yes. Do you mind? Not at all. Ahem. Here we are, sir Ernest. It's always such a pleasure to have you and lady bannerman here. It's a pleasure to come. And, of course, you're staying for tomorrow. Absolutely. That's why we're here. Can I introduce miss harwood? She's come all the way down from London. She works in whitehall. All very hush-hush, but I'm sure you'll be able to wheedle a few secrets out of her. How do you do? It's very nice to meet you, sir Ernest. I've heard a lot about you. And I've heard you speak out in parliament. I think you're very brave. Well, somebody has to face up to the facts. I agree. Excuse me. When's guy coming down? Tomorrow. Oh. Hmm. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you for your identity card, Mr. woolton. Of course. Thank you. And it's for 2 nights? At least 2 nights, yes. Can I help you? It's all right, dear. Are you staying here? Yes. My secretary made a reservation. This is Mr. woolton, dear. I must point out it is the policy of this hotel not to take Jewish guests. I have his identity card. I am not of the Hebrew faith. Margaret: Good. Oh, this is my son. He'll take your bags for you. Room 6. Oh, and, Mr. woolton, I'm afraid the main lounge of the dining room will be closed tomorrow night. We have a private function. I see. [Birds calling] Woman: So how did you get on today, then? It was all right. You haven't told me anything about it. There's not much to say. Did you catch any criminals? It's not like that. You know that. It's just paperwork. And I suppose that's all you can manage. What does that mean? Nothing. So what's for tea? Shepherd's pie. Mm. Here. Let me help. Not with the leg. You stay where you are. It's aluminium. Invented by a man called desoutter. He was a pilot. He lost his own leg in a plane crash. Why do you think I want to know that? I thought you might be interested. It's part of me now. I don't want to know. And I don't want to see it. At night when you're not wearing it, I don't want it in the room. Jane. A few months from now, we may be able to pretend it's not there. That's too hot. Uh, let it cool down. Where are you going? Just next door. Get a cigarette. [Clicks click click] "Boulogne falls... "The threat to this island grows nearer and nearer. "While the people of britain "wait anxiously for news of their soldiers over the channel, "they must prepare for the onslaught which may come upon their soil." [Footsteps approaching] We don't have to leave yet, do we? It'll take us a while to get there. It's not as if you can drive. [Exhales] Good of you to come, Sam. Oh, it's a pleasure, sir. Anyway, national day of prayer, I'm only obeying orders, really. Oh, I see. I just hope the sermon's shorter than one of my father's. It is not wrong to be afraid. Our enemies are close and might appear almost unstoppable. We fear for our soldiers in northern France and Belgium. This war, this terrible war, seems to have fallen upon us like a great darkness. And it is hard to find the light. But on this, this national day of prayer, I do not think we congregate here simply to ask God to help us to win, but to help us to find the courage to face whatever the future may bring, because it is in that courage, in that determination that we will find the strength to overcome. Got it. Hey, that's my hat! Girl: Charlie, give it back... Good morning, milner. Good morning, sir. I don't think you've met my wife--Jane. How do you do? Pleased to meet you. Paul has told me a lot about you. It was very kind of you to take him on. I wouldn't put it quite like that. I thought he was finished with the police force. We both did. Strange how things work out. I used to think I was going to become a nun. Oh, really? But here I am, too. It just goes to show. Yes. By the way, sir, I wanted to give you these. Background on Edith johnstone. Oh, right. And I think I've found your David Lane. I traced him through the department of labor. He's a fisherman registered in Hastings. Only one David Lane? Actually, there were 2. But the other one's 85. All right. Well, good. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Mm-hmm. Bye. Are you busy now, Sam? No. You're not going to invite me to lunch? No, I'm not going to invite you to lunch. But the boat's coming in now, and I thought that, um-- David Lane. Yes. Working Sundays? There's a war on, Sam. Yes, sir. [All speaking indistinctly] I'm looking for David Lane. Oh, yeah? Who are you? I'm a police officer. The name's foyle. What's he done? Well, nothing, as far as I know. Coming down here on a Sunday. I don't suppose you want to ask him the time of day. No. I want to ask him about somebody he knows. David! I'm Ian Lane. I'm his father. How do you do? Yes, dad? This is a policeman. He wants to talk to you. What about? Edith johnstone. David: She used to work at the Crescent, you know? That's where I met her, and we walked out together. The only girl I ever met who didn't mind the smell of fish. She and me, we were talking about, you know, one day... After the war. It was just talk, dad. She felt she wasn't earning enough. She had to rent a room and all that, so she got a job up at the hotel, the white feather. A bit more money and somewhere to stay. It seemed like a good idea. What's she done, anyway? Why are you asking questions about her? I'm afraid she's under arrest... What? For sabotage. She was found cutting telephone wires near a military camp. You've made a mistake. It doesn't appear so. I said, you've made a mistake. She wouldn't do a thing like that. Sabotage? That's rubbish! David! I want to see her. That's enough. Let him go. Mr. Lane, I'm not the one who placed her under arrest. In fact, I'm actually trying to help her. [Sarcastically] Oh, yes. And I can't help her unless you help me. Foyle: I mean, was she not very happy? She was afraid. That's what I thought, anyway. When I first met her, she was a laugh, but later... Did she talk to you about how she felt about the war? She talked, yes. But it wasn't her words that came out of her mouth. Look, she said lots of things. There were meetings, rich people coming from London. She wanted to tell me, but I never listened. I'm not interested in all that. She changed. That's all that mattered to me. She wasn't the same. You felt that she was being threatened, maybe? No. I don't know, but I can't explain it to you. It was more like... That she was ill. We stopped seeing her. She came here less and less. It was that bitch up there--Mrs. Ellis. She poisoned her mind against us. That's what she did. I'd have gone up there and sorted her out myself if-- if I hadn't stopped you. Maybe I still should. That's enough of that. Foyle: I don't think there's anything to be gained by going back to the hotel. What are you gonna do? You're the one who's got her under arrest. Hello, guy. Alan. How was the journey? Bloody. How's everything here? The beds are lumpy. The food's atrocious. I wasn't asking about the accommodation. The bannermans arrived yesterday. The honorable John mowbray and his wife came this morning, and the Gilberts are here. What about miss harwood? Yesterday evening. Why the interest in her? And how about our host--Mrs. Ellis? She hasn't said anything. I see. Guy! Oh, my dear guy. How very good to see you. And you. Stanley, the bags. You're just in time for lunch. Oh, good. Margaret: Now, tell me, how are things in London? Rather too Cosmopolitan at the moment, I'm afraid. We're having a lot of refugees being forced on us right, left, and center-- Dutch, Belgians, but also slavs, latins, and all the rest of it. There are streets in Paddington and bloomsbury that you would hardly recognize. Oh, you'll soon point that right. Absolutely. With your help, Margaret. [Soft laughter] Oh. Oh, hang on. I don't know how you do it, Christopher. What's that, your fourth? Yeah. If I don't take something home for tea, I'll be shot. Well, you can have one or 2 of these. That's cheating. Oh. Well, I've caught enough now. You come and fish here. What do you think would happen if there was an invasion? Well, the likes of us will be lined up against the wall and shot, I suppose. That's comforting. Incidentally, I met the, uh, owners of the hotel. Of the white feather? I don't know quite what we're uncovering there, but I come away feeling distinctly unclean. I mean, Edith johnstone, there. She obviously went in as a sweet, charming young thing, and--I don't know-- something happened to her in there. You think you can help her? Well, I'll try. I mean, if they hang her, what a complete waste of a life. David: I want to see her. You could be her best friend, her father, and the king of england, but it wouldn't make no difference. She's not seeing anyone. She didn't know what she was doing. Well, she didn't mean to hurt anyone. All right, I'll show you who's... I'll show you. I'm afraid the hotel is closed this evening. I'm staying here. I have a room. Oh, yes? Room 6. Well, I'm afraid the public rooms are closed. I was told. A private function. An evening lecture. And what's the subject? The war effort. Very commendable, I'm sure. So, um... There. Mm-hmm. We'll need to have it witnessed. Yes. I'll find fleming. You're a true patriot, Margaret. What do you want? I was looking for you. Why? Can I ask you something, father? Yup. Do you enjoy having these people here? What do you mean? They're guests. You always have to dodge the question, don't you? Oh, Stanley. It's mother, isn't it? She's the one that wants them here, not you. They're sick. You shouldn't talk like that. Why not? You don't understand. They'll come, they'll go. They won't do any harm. I'm not so sure of that. Why do you say that? I was in room 6 just now-- Mr. woolton's room. What were you doing there? Guess what I found. What? What did you find? Tell me. Good evening. [Door slams shut] [Laughter] [Piano playing] Guy: I'm afraid the days are long gone when you can believe anything put out by the BBC. Oh, yes, the whole thing's a complete fiction. Of course, London isn't the same anymore. Full of refugees. We stayed at the metropolitan. It was full of Jews. Simply ghastly. You don't know what Ernest said. There aren't enough foreskins here to cover a threepenny piece. [Laughter] Harwood: Dodging the call-up, queue-jumping, profiteering-- they're the worst offenders. It's a fact. Well, I've stopped buying the express. It's completely obvious, of course, that the press is very largely under Jewish control. Yeah. What's happening in Germany-- they brought it on themselves. They've only got themselves to blame. [Imitating Jewish accent] The army wants blankets, so now I make blankets. [Piano playing] ♪ As I go rolling down the strand ♪ ♪ I see them strolling hand ♪ ♪ in hand ♪ and I really don't ♪ I just don't understand ♪ ♪ why are there so many Jews ♪ around in London? ♪ Why can't the Jews just simply ♪ ♪ disappear? ♪ Hitler's got them on the run in ♪ ♪ Germany ♪ why can't we do the same thing ♪ ♪ over here... ♪ They're everywhere in London ♪ ♪ why can't the Jews just simply disappear? ♪ ♪ Hitler's got them on the run in ♪ ♪ Germany ♪ why can't we do the same thing ♪ all: ♪ over here? Hear, hear! Guy: It's quite possible that the war is already over. Good news for those of us who said it should never have happened in the first place. The British army is outnumbered, surrounded, and will soon be destroyed. I take no pleasure in so many young lives being sacrificed on the altar of politicians. But I say it again. This was an unnecessary war. The British government has misled its people for long enough. What's going on? Margaret: I'm so sorry. It's a fuse. Do sit down. Arthur? It's all right, dear. [Door opens] Who was that? Don't worry. This will only take a minute. Aah! Aah! [Gunshot] My God! Ernest: My God. What's happening? Keep down! Guy. I'm all right. Margaret! Foyle: Guy Spencer? Sam: Was he one of the guests? Guest speaker, it would seem. Do you know who guy Spencer is? No. Friday club? He's one of those mosleyites, pro-Nazi, anti-war, anti-semitic. It's a shame someone didn't shoot him. Perhaps they tried. Mr. foyle? I'm guy Spencer. This is my colleague and assistant-- Alan fleming. I gather you're handling the investigation. That's right. Good. I'm very glad to see you. Margaret Ellis was a fine, intelligent woman and a close personal friend. You were here the other day. I saw you leaving. Yes. Um, forgive me. You assist Mr. Spencer how exactly? I organize his diary, I set up meetings. Right. And a meeting-- that's why you were here? This was an informal meeting of friends. We were here to discuss the war and the likely direction it might take. I'd get a move on with this investigation if I were you. You could be out of a job in a week. Oh, if the-- the Germans invade-- guy's not really being serious. It's certainly a possibility. And would I be right in thinking it's something you'd approve of? I don't care what you think, Mr. foyle, of me or of my politics. I was here in a private capacity. I was not breaking the law. But last night, someone took a shot at me-- 3 shots, to be precise. And like it or not, it is your job to find out who. So you don't think it was Mrs. Ellis that was the intended target? Guy's had death threats before. I was standing here. Mrs. Ellis was sitting there, and her husband, Arthur, was on the other side. Her husband? He was a member of the group? Association. No. I don't think he's entirely in sympathy with our views. He was fiddling with his pipe all the time I was talking. And who else was here, then? A miss harwood. She's a secretary from London. She was there. The Gilberts. Sir Ernest and lady Caroline bannerman were there. The right honorable John mowbray and his wife, lady Helen. John is the son of lord mowbray. An elevated association. The Duke of westminster is one of our loyal supporters. You could say that our influence extends as far as the palace. So it could well be the case that it was one of your loyal supporters who took a shot at you? The shots came from the door. It was pitch-black in here when the lights went out, but I heard the door open just before the shots were fired. Someone coming in. Or going out. Right. On the subject of which, when can we leave? I have work to do in London. I would like to be gone by lunch. Well, not possible, I'm afraid, Mr. Spencer. I just need everybody to be here for the time being. I see. Can I ask you a question, Mr. foyle? Are you, by any chance, Jewish? [Door opens] You! Yes, you. Young woman... I want to speak to your commanding officer. You mean detective chief superintendent foyle, sir. I don't care what his name is. I want to leave this hotel. I'm afraid that's not possible. He gave strict orders that everyone-- do you know who I am? No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't got the faintest idea. I am sir Ernest bannerman. Sir Ernest is the mp for this constituency. You have no right whatsoever to keep me here. And this lady, miss harwood-- she has important work in whitehall. I have to be in London. I'm at the foreign office. I'll be missed. You're a driver. You can take me and my wife home and then take miss harwood to the station. Come along. I'm afraid you'll have to ask Mr. foyle, sir. What? Are you defying me? Yes. It looks as if I am. I can't believe it happened. It's a terrible thing. I was right beside her when the lights went out... Inches away. Maybe they were firing at you. Were you due to speak at this meeting, Mr. Ellis? No. Certainly not. Did you not share your wife's political opinions? I didn't say that. Neither of us did. We did what we were told. So what happened after the lights went out, then? I got up. She told me to mend the fuse. So you left the room? It was too dark. Well, evidently, somebody did because fleming said that he heard the door open before the shots were fired. That was Rosemary harwood. Foyle: How did you know that? I was just outside. But how did you know it was her if you couldn't see her because it was too dark to see anything? I smelt her. She, um-- she wears lavender water. Oh. I'd say she wears it by the bucket. Right. It was definitely her. I don't think miss harwood could have shot mother, if that's what you're thinking. They all adored her-- ate out of her hand. You don't appear to be very moved by your mother's death. Do you find that shocking? Well... Sorry. I believe in honesty. So, you were, um-- yes, I was-- sat just there. At first, the lights started flickering, and they went out. It was the fuse, by the way. I replaced it. Does it happen often? Yes, all the time. It's overload. The electrics can't take it. Anyway, it was pitch-black, what with the blackouts and everything, so... I didn't see anything. And did you hear anything of what was being said? No. I heard the gun. At the time, I assumed someone had taken a potshot at Spencer, and I wasn't surprised. Why is that? Stanley: The case was on the bed here, and the gun was in the case. And you saw the gun how? The case was open? Yes. It was open already or did you open it? I opened it. Oh. Why would you do that? I'm curious about people. So am I, but I don't feel the need to go through their belongings. I study psychoanalysis, Freud. That's what I do. Who turns down the beds? I do... Though father did last night. Did you say his name was-- Robert woolton. I think he must have left during the night. Father saw his identity card. There's an address in London, I think. Um... You must be what, 22? 23? I'm surprised you haven't been called up. 22. It's because of my eyes. So you saw the gun in the case, and what did you do then? I told my father. And, of course, he didn't want to know. So I told mother. And what did she do? I suppose we'll never know. Everything all right, sir? Mr. foyle, I'm very sorry if guy rubbed you up the wrong way just now. He does that sometimes. I'm sure. There's something I forgot to mention. Last night, there was somebody in the garden. I saw them just before dinner. He was about 20 years old, well-built, fair hair. I'd have said he was a laborer of some kind. I had the idea he was trying to break in. He was definitely trying not to be seen. Right. Thank you. There's something else you ought to know. Spencer: Fleming? And what's that? It doesn't matter. Never mind. Good-bye foyle: So we can't even be certain who was meant to be the victim here-- Margaret Ellis or Spencer. But the bullets were grouped very close together. One hit Margaret Ellis, one hit the wall behind her, the other hit her chair. Suggesting that she was a target. Other people who were there? Well, the bannermans you know about, and I've run a check on Rosemary harwood. She is with the foreign office-- very senior. Reports directly to lord halifax. Is that possible, sir, I mean, if she's with the Friday club? Well, it's not a crime... Yet. Actually, sir, I should have mentioned to you-- I met guy Spencer when I was in London. Oh, yes? I wandered into one of his meetings. Right. There's not much to say. There was a lot of talk about the war, about why we're fighting. Mm-hmm. He's got some very original ideas. Um, the man that calls himself Robert woolton. The address he gave the hotel-- 37 domville road-- it doesn't exist. It was probably a false identity card. He made 2 telephone calls from the hotel. I'm already looking into it. What about the man that was seen outside? Fair hair, in his twenties. What was he doing? David Lane? We're going to ask him, and in the meantime, I want the hotel searched and the grounds. If it is woolton's gun, we got to be sure that he didn't take it with him. Harwood: What are they doing? Spencer: Searching for the gun, I suppose. How much longer can he keep us here, this Mr. foyle? Yes, it is irritating, isn't it? Being pushed around by a provincial policeman with ideas above his station. They're not looking for the letter? No. No. They know nothing about that. You've done us a great service, miss harwood. It won't be overlooked. I think you should destroy it. They're everywhere. Yes, but they know nothing. Don't worry. They won't find it. I'll keep it safe. Man: Hey! You were there. No, I wasn't. You're lying. You were seen. You ask my dad. You told me you were going because you blamed her, Margaret Ellis, for what had happened. I never hurt her. So you admit you were there. No. I didn't say that. But you were. You're gonna have to come with us. I'm not going anywhere! Sam, get in the car. Right. [Horn honks] [Panting] [Brakes squeaking] Well, lost him. [Birds calling] Man, voice-over: Dear dad, well, here I am in you know where. If I mention the name, someone will only cut it out. So I'll say I had haggis for lunch today, and it was revolting. We're well into training now. Lectures all day and not nearly enough time in the air. We're flying lysanders-- great, fat beasts that grumble all the way down the runway. But at least they're reliable once they're up and almost impossible to stall. I got a wonderful view of the coast last night just as the sun was coming down. Sometimes it's hard to believe what this is all about, that there's a war, and the news from France-- not so good. Anyway, I'm eating well, drinking far too well. It's a good crowd here-- optimistic and all determined to get out there and do our bit. How's Hastings? Strange to think of you so far away and on your own. But hopefully, I'll get a bit of leave before my wings exam, and we can go out and catch a trout or two. Look after yourself, dad. As always, Andrew. [Sighs] [Footsteps approaching] It's terrible about the Belgians. The papers are full of it. King Leopold giving up like that. I think he's a coward. They say the government will go on fighting anyway without him. Our king would never behave like that. Jane. You won't even look at me. I'm reading the paper. I'm going to work. This murder investigation-- how's it going? I don't know. It's complicated. We found the fisherman. Who? The man who ran away, David Lane. He was picked up by 2 policemen trying to get on a train for London. And now you can go and interrogate him or whatever it is you do. Things are going to be how they were, Jane. Really? I promise. Sam: That's it--there. Foyle: Right. Can I... No. I just thought I'd ask. Won't be long. [Bell rings] That's him. [Bell rings] Can I help you? Mr. woolton? My name is wolf. Quite possibly, but you used the name woolton on your false identity card when you checked into the white feather hotel. How did you find me? You made 2 telephone calls from the hotel to the number at this address. You are? I'm a police officer. I see. I didn't shoot anybody. It wasn't me. But you took a gun to the hotel--this one. Is this your gun? That's mine. Look... I admit I went to the white feather to kill guy Spencer. I took a gun-- that gun. But imagining something and doing it are two very different things. Anyway, I never had a chance. I was in my room. The lights went out. I heard 3 shots. I didn't know what was happening. But as soon as the lights came back on, I looked in my case and the gun wasn't there. I swear to you that's the truth. Why did you want to kill Spencer? Come upstairs. Wolf: It's all right. Get some rest. Thank you. This is my nephew. His name is Isaac wolf. Isaac, this man's a police officer. [Groans] He's come a little late. He isn't interested in you. Nobody was interested in what happened to him. What has happened to him? He was beaten up by members of the Friday club. He almost died. He still can't walk. They left him in the street. But I can feel my legs. It's an improvement. Isaac's family is still in Germany. They're in a concentration camp. If I had shot Spencer, I wouldn't have done it in the dark. I would have wanted to see his eyes. It's quite a coincidence, you and I meeting again like this, wouldn't you say, milner? Yes, I suppose it is. Did you manage to read any of that material I gave you? Some of it. And? I don't know what to think. You have to think for yourself, sergeant. That's the whole point. That's why you need the facts. This is another book I was going to lend you. Here. Protocols of the elders of zion. It traces the Jewish conspiracy all the way back to the time of Solomon. I think you'll find it interesting. I don't know. Hmm, have a read of it. And if you can't manage to give it back to me personally, then you can pop it in the post. Is that it? Yes, sir. You're a good chap, milner. This business here, it's an embarrassment, of course, but we'll get through it. And when the war is over, which could be soon, believe me, it's going to be very important to have the right friends. [Bell ringing] Mr. foyle... I wonder if you'd mind coming with me, sir. Where's my driver? Please, sir. This way, sir. Detective chief superintendent foyle, do come in. Take a pew. Tea? No, thank you. My name is Lawson-- military intelligence. You've already met my colleague-- tom baddeley. I do hope you'll forgive the slightly rough ride, sir. Yes, I'm sorry to drag you here like this, but you see, this investigation of yours-- this murder-- I'm afraid it's got tangled up with one of our own operations. Oh, dear. I am sorry. Are you sure you won't have tea? Perfectly. Well, I will. Would you mind, tom? One of your operations being the Friday club? Yes, the Friday club, British vigil, the British union of fascists-- they're all much of a muchness-- anti-semites and aristocrats. Guy Spencer, though, is a bit more of a nuisance. He's more active than the rest of them, and he's certainly more persuasive. Why hasn't he been arrested? He soon might be. You know, of course, that we arrested mosley. And ramsay. But sometimes it's better to keep these people at-large, provided we can keep an eye on them. Mm. Thank you. We have an undercover agent in the Friday club. He rang us yesterday. That's how we knew about you. Alan fleming? Baddeley: How did you know? Well, perhaps a little too helpful. I'd prefer it if his cover wasn't blown. That's why we had to get you up here so quickly. Does he know anything about the death of Margaret Ellis? Oh, I doubt it. To be honest, the shooting of that woman was both annoying and irrelevant. To you perhaps. We need your help, Mr. foyle. It goes without saying that all this is extremely confidential. 5 days ago, a letter went missing from the foreign office. The letter was written by a senior member of lord halifax's staff and was addressed to giuseppe bastianini, the Italian ambassador here in London. In very broad terms, the letter was examining the possibility of the Italian government mediating between us and Hitler; In other words, coming to a negotiated peace. The position of the government, of course, is that we fight on. So I'm sure I don't need to tell you what a catastrophic effect on morale it could have if it was believed that any minister at any level was seeking a way out of this war. Rosemary harwood works in lord halifax's office. We believe that she may have taken the letter. She's been active with the Friday club for a while now. We think she took it down to the white feather to pass it on to guy Spencer, who has all the right connections to make sure it reaches the German authorities. And why haven't you arrested her? Maybe we should have, but we can't now, not without the letter. Oh. We couldn't go in and search the hotel without compromising our man, which we'd rather not do. But you and your officers-- you have every reason to go over the place. Well, we've already done that and found the gun that we were looking for. I'm sure you could find a reason to do it again. I thought we'd already searched this place once. Yes, we have. What are you looking for now? A letter. To whom? To giuseppe bastianini. Who's he? He's the Italian ambassador. Is he a suspect? I only asked. This is an outrage. I'm warning you. I have powerful friends in London. You'll hear more of this. [Door shuts] [Door opens] You're going through a lady's room. No gentleman would behave this way. No, you're right. But then again, murder isn't a very gentlemanly business, miss harwood. I can't imagine what you hope to find. It seems on the night of the murder, you left the room before the shots were fired. Who told you that? I have nothing to hide. I hate the dark, I always have. It's like claustrophobia. As soon as the lights went out, I had to get back here. In the dark? I told you. I wasn't thinking. I just had to get out. Just a minute. Foyle, is this the way your men amuse themselves? I've had enough of this. I'm not gonna be pushed around by some bloody stuffed shirt. I want to leave. Still not possible, I'm afraid. Fleming: I said, I want to go! Officer, arrest this man. Thank you. What? ! Fleming: Thank you for that. I take it you didn't find anything. No sign of it, I'm afraid. But she might, of course, have panicked and got rid of it. Well, I doubt it. It's too valuable, and taking the letter in the first place was too much of a risk. I'm surprised Spencer hasn't, um-- let's go in here--hasn't mentioned it to you. He still trusts you, doesn't he? Well, he's told me he's got it. He's just not saying what he's done with it. He likes to play these things close to his chest. Well, it's certainly not in the hotel. We'll just have to keep looking. So, what about the shooting? You think Margaret Ellis was the target? Do you? Well, there was nobody in the room who had any reason to kill her... Except Arthur Ellis, perhaps. He didn't have it in him. The son? Perhaps. He could have opened the door. But how would he have been able to see to take aim? I'll tell you one thing, though. I happen to know for a fact that Mrs. Ellis changed her will hours before she died. She added a codicil leaving half her money, and that includes half the hotel, to the Friday club. All for the cause. Spencer persuaded her, do you think? He's good at that sort of thing. It's not the first time either. He was arrested 5 years ago-- intimidation, embezzlement. He's got his hooks into your sergeant, too, for that matter. I'd watch out, if I were you. Well, they certainly met in London. Rather more than that. They had dinner together after the meeting. Spencer's taken him very much under his wing. [Telephone rings] [Ring] Excuse me. [Ring] Foyle: Mr. Lane. Ian: You've got my boy locked up. Well, he ran away. He was off to London. He was afraid of you! He's no criminal. Well, assault, drunk and disorderly, skipped bail, did borstal--August to November last year. That was then. It hasn't been easy for him living on his own with me. He lost his mother when he was 9. She ran off. It's just been two of us. And yes, he mixed with the wrong set and became a cropper with the law. You people never forget. Won't let him forget neither. It's a bit more than that, isn't it? He was seen at the hotel on the night of the murder, which means he could easily have been the one who took the gun and shot Mrs. Ellis. He never shot anyone. All right, he shouldn't have gone up there. He hasn't got it in him. You take it from me. I want him back. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait. No, you don't understand. I need him now. They're asking for boats-- fishing boats, ferries, clippers, you name it. We're going across where the army's stuck with the Germans bombing them and tanks moving in and God knows what. They've put together a whole fleet of boats. And we're going over there, and we're going to bring back our boys. It's already begun. They say there were nearly 30,000 of them saved yesterday, and there's going to be 30,000 more today. I can pick up 20 men in my boat. A drop in the ocean, you'd say? But there's hundreds of boats all along the coast doing the same-- hundreds and hundreds of them. Only I can't do it without David. Lady rose is too much for me to handle on my own. So you have to let him go so we can leave together. You let my boy out, and I promise you-- I swear on everything I hold sacred-- I'll bring him back to you. I won't let him run away. We'll do this journey. We'll go there, we'll come back, and then you can keep him for as long as you need, as long as it takes you to realize that he's innocent-- as innocent as you or me. [Men shouting commands] Dunkirk. Do you think you'll ever see him again? Foyle: Yes. He'll be back. [Horn blows] [Horn blows] [Horn blows] 2 of diamonds. 2 no trumps. 3 spades. Pass. Pass. Pass. 3 spades it is, then. Ahh, I can't help you much, I'm afraid. Ahh, for God's sake. How much longer can they keep us here? Till after tea, anyway. Arthur, you think you should be working after everything that's happened? No, no. I have to keep busy. Yes, of course. You and I have business to discuss about your late wife's affairs. What? Seems we're going to be in partnership. That's not-- when the Germans arrive, the high command, we'll be able to put them up here at the hotel. We're near enough to the coast. They won't arrive. I don't know why you're kidding yourselves. The Jewish plot-- everyone knows it's not true. Stanley. No, dad. I'm fed up with it. I'm fed up with the lot of them. If the Germans were going to invade, they'd have been here days ago. You do know that the Belgians have capitulated? Yes. But we'll fight on. That's what Mr. Churchill says, and I believe him. I think you must be insane, father, if you believe what these people say. They're sick. And they don't know a thing. [Door slams] These notes are very good, very thorough, milner. Thank you, sir. I'm afraid they don't tell us the one thing that we need to know-- who fired the shots. Or why they were fired in the dark. And if Spencer was the actual target... That's very likely. Why wait for an after-dinner meeting when everyone's around? Easier and less risky to wait until he's left or leaving the hotel or even gone up to his room and shoot him while he's asleep. Yes, I know. I wondered about that. Why wait for the exact moment when the lights go out? Because you can't be seen. Well, you can't see either. How do you know you're getting the right target? You spoke to woolton? Yes, it was his gun, but I don't believe for a second he fired it. And it was thrown away, wasn't it? He'd have taken it with him. How about David Lane, sir? He could have taken the gun, made his way through the hotel. Maybe the lights went out just as he was about to fire. They were all in the room, the room was blacked out, the door was closed. Stanley was sitting right outside. Then he'd have seen him. Exactly. What about Stanley Ellis? He wasn't exactly fond of his mother. What's the opposite of an oedipus complex, do you think? Sir? He was reading Freud, who said the aim of all life is death--matricide. Could he really have killed his mother? These, um... Background notes on Spencer: Well-connected-- journalism, treasurer for the friends of national Spain. No criminal convictions? No. None that I could find. What do you make of him? I'm not sure. I'd say a man has to be quite brave to hold the opinions he does, especially at a time like this. You admire him? I don't think he's a fool. I mean, you read the medical report of... Isaac wolf, the man who got beaten up? I don't think you can blame Spencer for that, sir. He knew nothing about it. How do you know? He told me... And I believe him. Margaret Ellis' will-- he had the most to gain from it. I still think that Spencer was the likely target, sir. All right. [Clock ticking] Sam: Arthur Ellis-- who'd want to kill him? Foyle: I don't know, but you probably do. My guess is, he probably saw something. That's what always happens. He sees something, then the killer has to silence him before he can say what he knows. How is he? His heart had stopped. It was touch and go for a while, but we managed to revive him. They're just getting him to hospital. And what was it? Veronal, I'd say. Some sort of sleeping draft, anyway, in his whisky. Who found him? His son. All right. My father was late coming down to breakfast, so I went to call him. I found him lying on the bed fully dressed, and at first, I thought he must have had some sort of heart attack. I don't know. Did he often have whisky before bedtime? I don't know. This your dad's? Yes. He didn't smoke it much. And, um... And you say you... Haven't... Touched anything? No. I thought he was dead. I called the police. Well, for... Someone whose mother's been murdered and father's been poisoned, you seem remarkably unaffected. What would you like me to do, cry? I never liked my parents. My mother was cruel and stupid. What she said about the Nazis and the rest made me sick. My father... Was scared of her, totally under her thumb. It was her place, you see. No, you have no idea what it was like living here. It's always the same. If you had read Freud, you'd know how much damage your parents do to you. It starts... Even before you're born. Ah, yes, you read, uh... Yes. I wanted to study psychoanalysis. I wanted to go to university. They wouldn't let me. Well, Stanley, lying is never very clever, but lying to a police officer is a very serious offense. I'm not lying. Everything I've told you is the truth. Mr. Ellis? Yes. How are you feeling, Mr. Ellis? Can you tell me what happened? You don't know? Well, you didn't leave a note. No. Whisky and a sleeping draft-- it's fairly evident you tried to take your own life. Why was that? Isn't it obvious? Not to me. People had the wrong impression about Peggy. She was a strong woman, opinionated. But they don't understand. I'd been married to her for 22 years. She was everything to me... Everything. Stanley is 22? Yes. We were courting when Peggy found she was expecting, so, yes, I did the decent thing. But that doesn't change anything. I'd have married her anyway. I loved her, always did. Were you aware of the changes your wife made to her will? Spencer is a swine. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen to me, and so now... Half the hotel. How do you expect me to go on living when... Everything I care about has been taken away from me? Do you cure your own meat at the hotel? What's that got to do with anything? Would I be right in thinking that? I don't know. Yes. Margaret was in charge of the kitchen. Thank you. Christopher, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Sir Ernest bannerman, the mp at the white feather, he's managed to pull rank. He's made some phone calls, and the long and the short of it is I had to release the lot. Ok. They've all gone? Yes, they went this morning, except Spencer. He's here, and he wants to talk to you. All right. How can I help you, Mr. Spencer? You're holding my assistant, and unless you're going to charge him, I'd like to have him back. You're very welcome to him. Just a minute. I haven't finished yet. Are you any closer to finding out who killed Margaret Ellis, or, for that matter, who tried to kill her husband--Arthur? I want you to know that I shall be making an official complaint-- arresting fleming, keeping me detained for 3 full days. I think you've acted well beyond your authority, Mr. foyle. Sorry, sir. It was normal procedure. Normal or not, it was unnecessary and inconvenient. Have you finished now, Mr. Spencer? I'm a politician, Mr. foyle. And the way you've treated me, I think you have forgotten that I am the leader of a legitimate organization with legitimate views, even if you don't agree with them. But I'd like you to know that I am just as much a patriot as you are. I love our country. But it is possible to believe that this war with Hitler is misguided. Poles and Czechs, they're Jewish interests, not British. I know what you believe. I don't think you do. I doubt that you know, for example, that the first 2 British pilots shot down over Germany were black shirts. The kiel raid at the end of last year-- they were both mosley's men. And sir Ernest bannerman, mp-- I suppose you would call him a crank and a traitor. Well, he served in the first war. He was a member of the north Russian relief force in 1919. Right now, he has a son serving in northern France. You have a son serving with the raf. Are you prepared to lose him, to see him slaughtered simply because Hitler invaded Poland? I'll take you to Mr. fleming. Thank you, milner. You see, we're not so different, you and I. We would both welcome an end to this war. By the way, you will let me have that book back if you've finished with it, won't you? Sir... [Distant gunfire and men shouting commands] [Airplane] Your unit number? I need your name, rank, and regiment... [Men speaking indistinctly] I'll see if I can help, sir, if that's all right. Go ahead. [Airplanes] [Speaking indistinctly] I didn't expect to see you here. Well, they told me you were back. And you thought you'd come for David before he scarpered. No. I've come to tell you that I know he had nothing to do with the murder. We picked up 15 of our boys... 15... And there were thousands of them there. You've never seen anything like it-- white sand stretching out for Miles... Ships everywhere-- hundreds of them. Motorboats, trawlers. Picking up 15 here and 15 there. You know, we're gonna get the army out of there. We're gonna do it. There were bodies. You saw them on the beaches. And as we went in there, the Germans were coming after us-- stukas, dorniers. I was lucky, though. There was some sort of refinery burning and the smoke-- it protected us for a while. Where is David? I told you I'd bring him back to you. Here he is. He waded in the water to help someone out. He was helping them onto the boat-- they're here. They made it home. But he took a bullet. It came out of I don't know where, and... He was as near to me as you are, and I saw the light go out of his eyes. But I said I'd bring him back, and I brought him back, even though it meant taking up space that could have been used by someone else. Here he is. Edith: Dead? Foyle: Yes. I'm very sorry. But why? He weren't a soldier. The war was nothing to do with him. Why did he have to go? Well, he believed it was right. Edith, whatever Margaret Ellis has told you, there isn't going to be a German invasion now, not today, not tomorrow, perhaps not ever. How did she frighten you into cutting the wires? She didn't. What did she say was going to happen to you when the Germans came? Nothing. She knew, didn't she? She knew that your grandmother is Jewish? She said I wouldn't be allowed to work anymore. She said I'd be put in a camp... [Sobbing] That she wanted to look after me, but first, I'd have to prove myself... Do something to show I was on her side. I didn't think it would matter that much. I knew it was wrong. I thought someone would find them and mend them. [Edith sobbing] I didn't think I was being a traitor. I was just so scared. What will happen to me? Will they hang me? Will I go to prison? No. Don't have a case to answer. You're free to go. Well, thank you. It's ok. You're not going to forget David, are you? No. 'Cause he was right, wasn't he? Yeah. [Birds chirping] You should understand, Stanley, that you could go to prison. But I haven't done anything. Yes, you have. You've lied to me, a police officer, and obstructed the course of justice. No, I didn't. You told me you hadn't touched anything when you went into your father's room, which isn't true, is it? You took your father's suicide note. No. There was pen and paper up there on the desk. And when I visited him in hospital, he was as surprised as I was that the note hadn't been found. What did you do with it? I destroyed it. Why? To... Protect him. Suicide is against the law. Well that's another lie, isn't it? I mean, what did it say? I won't tell you. I can't. Arthur... You feeling any better? Yes. Thanks. Arthur, I'm sorry to have to tell you that I'm here to arrest you for the murder of your wife. That's absurd! The husband who loves his wife so much that he'd rather kill himself than live without her is a little way off the truth, isn't it? It's true! Peggy was the backbone of my life. Arthur, Arthur, you hated her. Your son knew it, everyone knew it. Probably often dreamed of killing her, didn't you? But you never had the nerve, because everyone also knew that you were terrified of her. And as the coward at the white feather, you rather resented being something of a local joke until, of course, you began to believe that the world was about to change. What do you mean? That a Nazi invasion of england would cause so very much disruption that there'd be no effective police force and no law, as such. There would be no reason and nobody to investigate an insignificant... Little murder at a countryside hotel. Spencer believed in the invasion, your wife believed in the invasion, and, ironically, as it turned out, she convinced you. And, uh... It was the night of Spencer's talk, wasn't it, that Stanley... Told you about the gun, didn't he? Stanley, voice-over: I was in room 6 just now, Mr. woolton's room. What were you doing there? Guess what I found. What? What did you find? Tell me. Foyle, voice-over: You thought you could make it look as if Spencer was the actual target, and your wife had been hit accidentally, which is why you arranged for it to happen in the dark, by leaving all the lights on in all the rooms as you turned down the beds, which overloaded the fuse box. But then you had to be sure that you could actually hit your wife and not Spencer. I take no pleasure in so many young lives... Foyle, voice-over: Spencer said that during his speech, you were fiddling with your pipe, but, you see, Stanley told me that you hardly ever smoked. It was... Potassium nitrate you used in the pipe, saltpeter, which is used, of course, in gunpowder, but it's also used to cure meat, which is why you had a supply of it in the hotel. And it acted as an oxidizing agent, and it... Added to the tobacco and made it glow. You lit the pipe while Spencer was making his speech. I take no pleasure in so many young lives being sacrificed on the altar of politics. The British government has misled us long enough. What's going on? I'm so sorry, everyone. It's a fuse. Do sit down. Arthur? Foyle, voice-over: And when the lights went out, you put it directly in front of Margaret so you could use the glow as the target. Aah! Aah! Foyle, voice-over: You got rid of the gun as quickly as you could. It wasn't yours anyway. And after that, you were biding your time until... The invasion. But it never came. Stanley, voice-over: I don't know why you're kidding yourselves. The Jewish plot-- everyone knows it's not true. Stanley. No, dad. I'm fed up with it. I'm fed up with the lot of them. If the Germans were going to invade, they'd have been here days ago. Foyle: No invasion, and you panicked. You were going to be found out after all, and you decided to... Take the easy way out. Yes. I wanted to kill myself. And Stanley destroyed your suicide note, understandably. A fascist for a mother, a killer for a father-- not shining examples of parental guidance. No wonder he was reading Freud. What will happen to me? You'll be tried for murder, Arthur. I loathed her, you know... And the scum she brought to the hotel. Didn't give you the right to kill her. Please tell Stanley I'm sorry. Tell him... I wish I'd been a better father. I think he knows. Yes. Milner, sit down. Congratulations on the arrest. Ellis has signed a full confession, so I suppose that's that. Why didn't you tell me about your association with Spencer? I told you we'd met. You told me you'd wandered into one of his meetings. You didn't tell me you then went and had dinner with him. I didn't think it was relevant. Principal suspect in a murder inquiry-- of course it was relevant. He didn't commit the murder. Well, we didn't know that then. In your notes about him, there's no mention of his arrest for embezzlement. Was that irrelevant, too? He was acquitted. That's by the way. But more than this, more even than your apology to him in front of me, and something that I take to be a personal betrayal, is that you talked to him about me. He knew I had a son in the raf, and he could have only got that from you, isn't that right? I did speak to him, yes. And I'm sorry if I betrayed any confidences. But I never said anything lacking in respect. Speaking to him at all was a lack of respect and a lack of judgment. I'm astonished you can't see beyond the front of these people. Do you really believe what these people--Spencer and the Friday club--have to say? No! You don't have any idea what's it's been like since Norway, how I feel. I'm not asking for any special favors, and I--I don't want your sympathy. But I don't understand why it happened, and I don't understand what it was for. At least Spencer made me feel like he was on my side and that I'm not to blame for it all. He had a reason. There was a reason, milner. What do you mean? I don't agree with his views, but guy Spencer is a good man. Milner, I'm sorry to have to disillusion you, but... Is this the book he lent you? "The protocols of the elders of zion-- how the Jews plan to overthrow christianity and conquer the world." Have you read it? No. Are you anti-semitic? No! Is Hitler right doing what he's doing to the Jews? No! You don't understand. I just wanted the facts. Spencer gave them to you? While he was at the hotel, Spencer took possession of a letter smuggled out of whitehall and given to him by a traitor--Rosemary harwood, and given to him in the hope that he'd pass it on to the enemy. After the murder, Spencer was trapped. He had the letter, but he didn't know what to do with it. He gave it to you because you were the one person at the hotel we wouldn't dream of searching. After the investigation, you'd send it back to him, and he'd pass it on to the Germans. Do you want my resignation? No, I don't want your resignation. That's the last thing I want. I can't do this bloody godforsaken job on my own. What I want is to forget all of this happened and, more importantly, for you, starting now, to be with me 100%. In spite of whatever problems you're going through, it's important that you and me and Sam are able to trust each other and we're on the same side. Is that understood? Yes, sir. Understood. Good. That's all. Radio: We've known them and laughed at them, these fussy little steamers, all our lives. We've called them the "shilling sicks." We've watched them load and unload their crowds of holiday passengers, the gents full of high spirits and bottled beer, the ladies eating pork pies, the children sticky with peppermint rock. But now, look. This little steamer, like all her brave and battered sisters, is immortal. She'll go sailing proudly down the years in the epic of dunkirk. And our great grandchildren, when they learn how we began this war-- by snatching glory out of defeat and then swept on to victory, may also learn how the little holiday steamers made an excursion to hell and came back glorious. Man: I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth, and though after my skin, worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh, shall I see God. And I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold... I've got a son the same age. Aelwyn, the roman soldiers... They're coming? Up the plain. Hundreds. Then today will be a good day to die. What about the astronomicons? We must remove them to the sanctuary. Gather our brothers. Go. [drumming] My blood is on your hands. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer! Murderer! [heart beating] { Advertisement } {pos(192,200)}Everything seems to be in order. {pos(192,200)}Yeah, just no paper comes out. {pos(192,200)}None at all? {pos(192,200)}[beeping] {pos(192,200)}See. {pos(192,200)}[beeping] I tried that before {pos(192,200)}I called the service guy. {pos(192,200)}Well it wasn't meant as a criticism. {pos(192,180)}You try setting up temporary office {pos(192,180)}Everywhere syd goes to lecture. {pos(192,180)}You do a great job, {pos(192,200)}I... You do. {pos(192,200)}Thank you. {pos(192,200)}It's usually just a bit {pos(192,200)}Of paper stuck in the... {pos(192,200)}Oh. {pos(192,200)}One... {pos(192,200)}Two... {pos(192,200)}Three. {pos(192,200)}[whirring] {pos(192,200)}I'll cancel the service guy. {pos(192,200)}Good morning. {pos(192,200)}Morning. {pos(192,200)}Do I... Sense a slight case {pos(192,200)}Of undergraduate- seminar-itis? No, I had that dream again last night. Da veiga, two nights running? Yeah, talk about your Midnight horror double feature. I don't know what's wrong with me. It must be the jet lag. You have been immersed in all this Druid research recently. Yeah. Plus, you said yourself You're over- tired. Yeah. (nigel:) yeah. Yeah. So, what's up with you and da veiga? What? Dreaming about him like that, It's got to mean something. What are you talking about? (karen:)come on, two nights in a row? Dreams are our subconscious working out What we can't, or won't, awake. So mom used to tell me. The last time we saw da veiga He was chasing us through the jungle with a pistol. What's to work out? (karen:)you're not sure he survived, Are you? (syd:)nigel, run! [struggling] [explosion] (nigel:)syd, syd. (karen:)are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Um... Did you set up our first meeting? Yeah, gareth watson, The druid expert At bristol polytechnic. He sent this fax confirming. Meet him in his office. [â™a] You're not really taking any of her Pop psychology mumbo jumbo to heart, are you? Keep the change, thanks. I must admit, We're still a little unclear As to the connection between dreams And the subconscious mind. (andreas:)professor fox? Yes? Gareth watson. I was expecting someone a little older. Uh... You must be nigel. Bailey. Shall we head inside? I'd like to throw you a bit Of a curve, I'm afraid. I have a contact who called me To come and meet him. But we just got here. He offered to show me a map To the druid astronomicons. So I'd like to make the same offer to you. Don't tell me You're not interested. In the keys to stonehenge? Sure. I'm sorry to be so last-minute. My contact just called me himself. Shall we? Yeah. A map to the astronomicons... They've been lost for 2000 years. [â™a] Excuse me. Gareth watson is signing books here, Today? I'm a huge fan. He's downstairs. Gareth watson? Yes. Hi. Hello. I'm karen. In fact, there was an expedition Mounted by hadrian in 121 a.D., But by the time his legions Got to salisbury plain, The druids had hidden them. And no roman histories of gaul Give the slightest hint whether or not Any other evidence was ever found. But... If there is a map, It'll be the most extraordinary find Since they very rarely used parchment. You don't suppose it's on oak bark, do you? He's not due until 10:13. How did your colleague Come by this map anyway? He isn't my colleague. He's an agent of the gural nataz. How are they involved? In 60 seconds, A courier dressed in a blue trench coat, Carrying a titanium briefcase Will step off the train And step through those doors. A car will meet him at the curb. We will have the time that it takes him To reach the curb to intercept him. Steal from the gural nataz? Are you crazy? Probably. But letting a priceless relic Fall into their hands is not something I'm willing to let happen. I'm betting you feel the same. No way, it's too risky. As risky as stealing back The pendant of tuthankhamen From their stronghold in izmir? Or of causing the arrest of An entire gural nataz cell in malta? The details of how we recovered That pendant were never made public. Be that as it may... Professor, his train's on time. In 30 seconds we'll lose a chance to strike A blow to the very heart of the gural nataz. If this is a setup, You won't even have to worry about The gural nataz... I'll take care of you myself. Now what are we supposed to do With this guy once we grab him? (andreas:)the courier has the map Inside the briefcase. Sydney. Come on. Excuse me. Sorry. Change of plans. We'll take it from here. [â™a] (syd:) thanks. Got a knife? His contact probably has the key to that. (andreas:) no, I do. [â™a] [sirens] I don't think anyone followed us. What's the combination? 0-5-0. All the numbers left to right. Once we get this thing open, I have a few questions for you. Like where you get your information. Oh my god. { Advertisement } (syd:)you're the answer man, watson. I don't know. You don't know? This wasn't in my information. Did you dial the numbers correctly? Yes. I don't suppose you have the number For a bomb disposal unit? Alright. We can't just leave the map here. A man who worked for My father's construction company Showed me how to do this once. Defuse a bomb? It beat colouring books. Don't worry, she has a fabulous memory For things she did as a child. Actually, he taught me how to Wire a charge, never defuse it. But it should work the same in reverse, Don't you think? Okay, step back. There's enough c4 in there To blow the roof of the building off. Okay, you've got to isolate your wires. Blue, red, yellow, White and black. Black's your power source. Of course, it could also be red. (nigel:)it's blue. In every action movie, The hero always cuts the blue wire. You want to risk our lives On information you got from the movies? 20 seconds... 19... White's always the ground, So... Red is your backup battery, right. But I only see one battery. 12 seconds, syd. Must be black. (nigel:) ah... (syd:) black. Ah... Red. Ah! Any other little tidbits of information You'd like to share with us? No. No, at least I don't think so. [cell phone ringing] Hello. Guess where I am? You know, This really isn't a great time, Lemme call you back. Sydney, I'm at a book signing. And the guest of honour is Your druid expert, gareth watson. Describe him to me. (karen:)just like the back of the book: Fifty, kind of cute, If you like the generous- Love-handles type. Thanks. Karen was just at a book signing. Yeah? (syd:)with gareth watson. Then who...? (syd:)... The hell are you? ! Andreas da veiga. Da veiga? His son. Da veiga doesn't have a son. That's closer to the truth than you know. But why would I lie? I found about the courier by hacking into My father's computer a couple of days ago. When? Two days ago. Then I called you. When did you hack into his computer? Sydney. Two days ago. Everything I'm telling you Is the truth, I swear. So your father's still alive? Yes. And I would do anything To bring him down. (courier:)this is not my fault, da veiga. You saw me. I followed instructions. Somebody compromised our security. What, you going to tell the council? Obviously one of our dikes needs plugging. Did you get a good look at The person with fox and bailey? I could pick him out a line-up. Do you want me to go track them down? [gun shots] No. Thank you. You know what this means? Yeah, we're in it up to our eyeballs. Karen was right. (syd:)it was coincidence. (nigel:) was it? I think you had a druids dream. I think you instinctively knew You were going to meet da veiga. Sydney, nigel. (nigel:)doesn't look much like a map, does it? I don't understand. How's that supposed to Lead us to the astronomicons? There are words written down One side of the blade. It's latin, I think They may reference the map. First I nearly get us killed, Now I've stolen the wrong package. Yeah, well you should have Come to us honestly. (andreas:)I could have proved to you That I'm an academic in my own right. Dedicated to the conservation of relics. But I knew you'd never trust Anyone named da veiga. I don't expect you to understand. Try me. (andreas:)after my father got back From the jungle, he was badly burned... Doctors said he'd die. He didn't. He asked to see me. I wouldn't at first. He hadn't done more than Send me a card at christmas And birthdays since my mother died And he dumped me in boarding school. He tried to tell me that what happened In the jungle had changed him. He was going to re- dedicate his life To the conservation of relics, Make up for the time we never had. I laughed in his face. (nigel:) sydney. This belonged to aelwyn, A druid high priest During hadrian's time. 121 a.D. The last time the astronomicons were seen. Well, now taken literally, What's written on there Doesn't make any sense, The words are all jumbled up And in no particular order. Code? None like I've ever seen. Look at this. Marks on the blade, Like grooves over the words. As if something's been repeatedly Moved back and forth, Like a scabbard. Might help you solve your word puzzle. How? This scabbard, if it does exist, Might act as an ancient Druid message decoder. [â™a] We stand in the shadows, Protected by darkness, Hidden from light. So is it always, So shall it be. Who comes before the gural nataz? Stand and be recognized. Can we do without this, rennes? I've had a very bad day. We're all anxious To hear from you, fabrice. Maybe the great da veiga would like To show his humiliation in private. Rachel! You can't protect him forever, rennes. Silence! I bring bad news. My courier has died from the wounds He received fighting with the two thieves. Then where are they now? They're being tracked according To standard protocol. Where is the case? Why haven't you sent a team To cancel fox and bailey? I'm seeing to it, personally. Very good, fabrice. But this council will not Tolerate another failure. I understand. So it is spoken, So shall it be. This high council is adjourned. [â™a] Mace? Follow da veiga. Tap into his tracer frequency. He'll see the power spike. It will be too late. Thanks, karen. I'm not surprised you can't find Any information on the scabbard. Well, I still have a few more People to hear back from. Do you want me to wait? No. It seems we've stirred up The hornet's nest here. I need you to pack up, Get out of there And just keep your phone on. You don't have to ask me twice. Okay, thanks, kate. No, interpol have no information On the scabbard either. Looks like we've reached a dead end. What about your father's house? Yes, it's possible He already has the scabbard. You don't mean go there? We'd be sitting ducks. I know the combination to his safe. Great. And I think I can get us past the alarms. Even better. Alright, let's wrap it up And get out of here. [â™a] You can't fault his taste. [â™a] I recognize this. Yeah, he stole it from the National gallery in '93. We're coming back here, And we're returning everything. [â™a] What happened to your mother? It was an accident. Father never talks about it. (syd:)were you about ten? (andreas:) eleven. (nigel:)same age that you lost yours. Put it back, andreas. { Advertisement } Rush him. He can't kill us all. That is the furthest thing from my mind. Put the briefcase on the table. [â™a] (da veiga:)when you opened The briefcase... This tracer bug started to transmit On a narrow band frequency Which I had kept from the gural nataz. However, agents have now been dispatched And the man leading them will be Undoubtedly edward mace. We have to leave before he gets here. There's precious little time, He could be outside already. Why are you helping us Against your own people? I have my reasons. I don't want your help. (da veiga:)I know you find this Hard to believe, andreas, But I am trying to save your life. Maybe we could continue this elsewhere. [â™a] [machine gun fire] You set us up. [machine gun fire] Give me the dagger and the scabbard. No! (da veiga:)mace will have orders to take the contents Of the case. He will not leave without them. I'm sure I can convince him That you escaped. What good are they to us If we're dead? (andreas:)no, don't believe him. He's lying. He always lies. Andreas! No! Third man's got the case. [gun shots] It's da veiga's son. [gun shots] Watch your back. Right. Cover me! [gun shots] The other two got away. They got andreas. Edward mace is unrelenting and ruthless. When he discovers he doesn't Have what he came for, He will be back with a vengeance. Where will they take andreas? To the darkest place on earth. I have to go after them. (nigel:)let's see what we've got here. The scabbard has holes along its length That coincide with words written On the inside of the blade. Makes up a latin phrase. "from sarsen stone, 240 peds, Beneath the druid's noch." (syd:) "peds." Is a roman measurement common to the time. Yeah, the stride of an average man. It would have been about Five-foot-two in those days. Sarsen. Sarsen is a type of limestone, Indigenous to south- central England. Also known as greywether, Or druidstone. It's what stonehenge is made of. And "druid's noch"? A period landmark. The location of the astronomicon. I'll call karen, Then we'll be off. After we find andreas. You mean rescue him from the gural nataz? (karen:) hello? Huh? Karen, nigel. Yeah, I need you to look up a site. It's called the druid's noch. Circa 70 a.D. This all seems so strange: You helping to rescue my son. Yeah, well don't read Too much into it, da veiga. It's you he needs saving from. Thanks, karen. Okay, she's on it. I have to go. Here, take this with you. Sydney, we may need that. We don't have that luxury. He could trade it for andreas. Because that's what you do, isn't it? Trade, steal... When I show this to the gural nataz, They will decipher the code Just as you have done, And then they will send out more agents. You have to find the astronomicons As fast as possible, And leave before they get there. The thought had crossed my mind. (mace:)it looks like da veiga Was working with sydney fox. I can't wait to see rennes' face When I tell him. And I'd have you to thank. For delivering your father to me. Why did you betray him? Was it power, Money? (mace:)they've used The empty case as a decoy. Where is the dagger And the scabbard? Don't be stupid. Tell me. Or I'll turn you over to him. That must be karen. Ahh... Sorry I'm late. I found the druid's noch On an ancient roman map. And I brought you those crumpets That you like from marks and spencer. Thank you, karen, you're an angel. You owe me five quid. The noch was a small hill That was significant as a place Of worship for druids In wales 2000 years ago. The druids supposedly hid From encroaching romans in underground Caves that were used for worship. Alright, why don't you head back to the hotel. Stay out of sight. We'll keep in touch. Okay, see you guys later. (mace:) nothing. Keep trying. I'm certain he knows. Da veiga just arrived. Da veiga has arrived. He's called the high council into session. What the hell is he up to? (da veiga:)so I come with The offer of a trade, Following the finest traditions of our order. My son's life... For that which you seek. Fabrice da veiga. Once the most esteemed brother Of the gural nataz. Now, a man who's reputation And even loyalty is in question. For no good reason, I assure you. But to show my trust in the Chairman's wisdom and mercy... I have brought the dagger and scabbard. I have new information for the council. He is working with sydney fox. The agent who recovered the case Saw it for himself. [â™a] (rennes:)I will render my decision shortly. [â™a] Recover the astronomicons, Eliminate bailey and fox. [â™a] By now, da veiga must have Handed over the dagger and The scabbard to the gural nataz. Yup. They've probably decoded the runic And have sent out their goons. Probably. Do you have to agree with everything I say? Sure. [wind blowing] Syd, look. [door unlocking] [door slamming] Guard! I don't want him in here! I don't think either of us have a choice. I gambled and lost. [â™a] This rock, It's different from the others. What are you thinking? It's been brought here, Quarried elsewhere? This is sarsen stone. Just like at... Stonehenge. Hah. (syd:) uh huh. Look at this. The druid symbol for sunrise. (nigel:) huh? Okay, let's assume for the moment That this is the sarsen stone, Referred to by the dagger. Alright, 240 peds from here. But in which direction? Sunrise... East. Underneath the druid's noch. Alright, 240 steps. Peds, very small steps. Right. One, two Nine, 230. 231, 232, 233, 234, 235, 236, 237, 238, 239... 240. Wait a minute, look. This is a druid "keep out" sign. Keep out of where? Nigel. There's an opening. { Advertisement } Ugh... Sorry. [â™a] (nigel:)it's a death maze. We should leave some bread crumbs To find our way out. I don't have anything, Do you have something? I've got some string. Great. Let's go this way. How do you know it's that way? [â™a] All this time, And I don't know where to begin. You can't just decide to change your life And expect to make up for All the ruined years of mine. No, you're right. I can't deny my past, andreas. What I did, I did. But you were a fool To take on the gural nataz. You had what you wanted. You knew the dagger and sheath Would lead you to the astronomicons. And they had you. You still don't believe that I had exchanged them for you, do you? I understand your doubt. My misdeeds have led to this. Physical scars change my appearance, But nothing compares to what has Happened to me on the inside. All those days facing death, I came to realize that Nothing mattered more to me... Than you. [â™a] Hello. These symbols may very well describe How the druids accurately predicted The movements of the heavens Thousands of years before the mayans. [bang] (syd:) careful. [bang] (nigel:) eugh, These are heavier than they look. We'll have to come back for the third one. Not me. [humming] Sh, sh. Come on. [door unlocking] Your offer is rejected. You can't do this, rennes. As a member of high council, I invoke the rule of seven. That is your prerogative. You are free to go. What's going on? You said you gambled and lost. True. His offer of trade was rejected. Under an ancient rule, Your father has substituted his life for yours. Go. (andreas:) father. Don't be a fool, andreas. Go now, While you still have the chance. Good-bye, fabrice. I'm looking forward to your execution. And I promise, It will be slow and painful. [door slamming] [door locking] I hope you're okay About going back alone, because I am never coming back in here, We're going to get ourselves killed. Don't worry, I'll go back alone. Eugh! Cobwebs. Pass them through to me. [footsteps] Listen. [â™a] Let's get out of here! I'm not breaking up this set. But there are three men with guns! I've got to go back. Syd? Syd... Syd! (mace:)what's this? [â™a] What are you doing? Leading them back into the maze. I've got to go back. (mace:)they're behind us. Trask, that way. Durgin... [â™a] Ugh! [moaning] (trask:) durgin? Durgin! [â™a] Two down, one to go. [â™a] (mace:) trask? [bang] (syd:)hey, q-tip. [â™a] Aaargh! Are you all right? Yeah. How's your hand? Better. Alright. He looks so comfortable. Think we should leave him? { Advertisement } Did you double-check the forecast? (nigel:)double, and triple-checked, I'm afraid. No point taking these out of stonehenge If we can't see the sun to use them. Or the moon. Well, the forecast says it's going to Be like that for the next couple weeks. Gotta love that english weather. Well, the sun's going to come out Sooner or later. Andreas. Someone broke into my apartment. The gural nataz? Well, whoever it was, They left a message. To be delivered to you. Me? (nigel:)what does it say? "tic-toc." That's the same message He left us after cambodia. Who? Your father, He's alive. , I had no choice. No choice. He kept... he kept shooting at me! He was shooting at me. He kept shooting. I had no choice! I had no choice! I'm not guilty. please, a little respect. please. Don't... don't go. calm down, goddammit! Shit, Iet me go! It's OK. It's OK. Let me go, for Chrissake! Come on, martial! It's OK, it's over. THE NEGRO Let me see. No sign of pain. Looks like she didn't suffer. Sometimes... For some, death is a kind of deliverance. That's it, a gun shot, 12 gauge... almost point blank She died on the spot, And... the young black man? At first glance, from what the ambulance guy said.. brain dead... most probably. As for the lady... she'II be on the table around 1 1 :00am, so my report should be on your desk around 3:00pm. I can send it to montreal, if you prefer. No big deal. We'II take it, to hell with the montreal guys. It's a change from horse theft and conjugal violence. Are you sure, Gary? Yeah, sure. alright then. We'II talk around 3:00, 3:30. Perfect. Bye. What more do we have here? There are 3, 4 witnesses inside, there's this. The neighbors say it belongs to the victim. There's this. Three cartridges. One was found near the victim, another here, in the grass. One is part of those over there, probably shot at martial. How is he? Not so good. Quite a shock. Anything on what started it? Yeah, it's all over there. It started here alright. could be the young black guy, we found his bicycle. It's OK, polo. There. feels good, huh? Yes... yes... What's going on? Nothing, I got caught in his headphones. He often screams like that. I was washing him, the headphones fell, he couldn't hear the music. Seeing lots of strangers makes him yell... or losing his play farm figures. What happened? - He fell in the bailer. - baller? - The thing that makes balls of hay. - I know. He fell in one when he was small. You've known him long? always been neighbors. We played together as kids. Right, polo? What's the music? "Give me roses". Fernand Gignac? Yeah. What else? Nothing else, for 37 years. - How old is he? - 45 years old. 'Give him some roses, mademoiselle 'He has a " rendez-vous" 'It's very important 'Choose them for him 'Among the more beautiful ones 'Give him some roses 'She loves them so.' We'II start taking statements. I'm Gary Racine, Detective Sergeant provincial police. Jacques PIante, also Detective Sergeant. We'II take your statements. They mentioned 4 witnesses... including him? No, it's... Josée Morin. She's still in there with the doctor. - Detective Sergeant Racine. - Yes, yes... We mustn't talk too loud. It's not good for her, even if she's sedated. You gave her some... Sedatives? Yes, yes. I had no choice. She's in a terrible state of shock. But did she talk to you? Yes. She had a very bad night. She can't remember... The way she speaks isn't very coherent, but I still managed to get a few bits of information on what happened. First of all... one, she's a woman who was at the hotel and who was having drinks with some... alcohol, and who suffered a terrible shock, which would have been preceded by a perturbation of an emotional nature... which was followed by a sort of blackout. But she will recall some elements, always the same ones. I have noted that. really? Which ones? That she found herself in this bedroom. Then... that her right cheek was tumefied, and contusion on the arm. Look, this is an arm... the contusion, commonly called a bruise, is this big. So, in my opinion, she suffered a violent blow. Maybe she fell, I don't know. Is it possible that she got into a fight? She didn't say? No she didn't talk about that. Mind you, she told me that... at some point she got up, she went to the window... and that's when she saw... the lady in question, on the ground. She would have also seen a young black man running, running... Did she say anything else? I'm trying to see... It's not my field... No, that's about it. Then, another blackout. Any idea as to when we could interrogate her? Not before 3 days. 3 days? 3 full days, if not more. Maybe you can get ahead with your investigation. There might be other leads... Yes, thank you. We'II follow other leads. - Thank you, doctor. - alright. unfortunately, I must go to the clinic, but if you need me for anything... - Don't hesitate. - Thank you. Excuse me. well, we'II take care of you guys. alright... where do we do this? We could go in there, there are doors. We'II get back to you shortly. - What do we have here? - A broken statue. - probably with that rock. - By the young guy. The lady saw him and went out with the gun. He took it and... Let's see what they say. Why did he break the statue? It can't be easy... seeing a statue of... What? I don't know, just imagine... You're in Africa, and you see a statue of a... a white guy in a Canadians sweater, fishing with a hockey stick, an Expos cap, a red belt, and a six-pack, while you're at it. Why do you laugh? That's exactly it. Take a hot head, he sees this and goes for it. - You're right. - obviously. obviously, the old lady was scared enough to get her gun. What is it? I know you, you got an idea. If it had been a white guy, maybe she would've run out screaming, with a broom... but here, she saw a black guy. - She took a gun. - She was scared of him. She saw him, got a gun, went out. Jacques... did you ever wonder where it comes from... being uneasy around black people? We're even scared of them. Think about it. We copy Americans, and they don't like them much. I don't know, there must be a reason. It comes from, listen to this, from prehistoric times. - It's true. Come on! Back then, they had no electricity. The only light was fire. Everything was dangerous then. Dinosaurs, mammoths, other tribes, but when the fire went out, it got dark and more dangerous. Since then, we associate dark with danger. Since then, we're afraid of the dark. They're dark, so we're afraid of them. We won't tell them that. So we split it up. Who...? I'II take their statements, OK? I'II look around the backyard. There might be some clues. Who's first, next? Go ahead. - No. You go Ducky. - You go. Who got here first? Him. Me. polo's in his room with his toys. Change the batteries in his walkman. You'II find some in the top of his dresser. Name, age and profession. Bertrand JoyaI, 48, divorced. I've worked on the Van KIee farm for 10 years. You knew Mrs Lajeunesse well? I sure knew her well. tell me about her. C,duIie had an income. Widowed for 10 years. Her husband was AIban Lajeunesse. After he died, she sold her land, and kept the house... like a Iot of people around here... like me, too. What happened? I was coming home from a date, happy, it had gone well between us. It was exactly 1 :15. I slowed down in front of C,duIie's, all the lights were on outside. I saw polo, in his PJs, alone in the yard. I got out and I saw C,duIie with the gun. And then I saw the black guy, with eyes big as saucers. He came on his bike, but why come here? And why the gun? I asked C,duIie: " What's going on?" What's going on is... what's going on... it's... that, there. ...she said, showing her broken little plaster negro. Then I understood what was going on. The statue was beyond repair, even for Crazy glue. I Iooked at the kid and asked: What got into you? Him, not a word. He didn't seem to understand me. So she told me: Maybe he thinks it's ugly. That happens sometimes, huh? We don't all have the same taste. No, but you still got to be pretty shameless. And he was shameless. He didn't look at all ashamed. I took the gun from her, but she defended him and said: It's not so bad. The Gagnon Nursery is full of Kings just like it. Kings just like it? She loved dogs... especially coIIies. They were all named King. When the Iast one died in the spring, she didn't replace him. She said, she could go anytime, and the family would have enough to care for polo never mind a dog. So she bought a little plaster negro. Her " little King". Poor old lady. She was totally lost. She kept asking: What do we do, Bertrand? We can't call the cops just for that. I Iooked at him: maybe not call the cops... but still, you can't smash everything you find ugly. while we were wondering, polo decided to taste the nigger. He does that with strangers. He goes up to them, he smells them, and sometimes even licks them. And how did the kid react? Of course we all feel weird the first time. He was no different. He started smiling. It was the only time we saw him smile. She went to get him and said: Forgive him, he means no wrong. It always upset her when it happened. She would always say the same thing: polo, come on, we don't do that. You can look at them, you can smell them. But that, no. It isn't clean! You can catch germs in no time, licking just anyone like that. What happened after that? After Touchy, Ducky and the Morin girl arrived. They came from the hotel. We turned to look, we saw this kid crossing the street, he almost got hit and jumped into the field. Ducky got out of his car, all excited. He came up to us and asked: Touchy, what was that? - A black guy, I think. ...Touchy said, coming out of his truck. Ducky was looking all around. Touchy saw that I had gun, so flicking his hair, he said: I'm gonna go catch him! And he ran in the corn behind the kid. Ducky stayed with us, saw the statue and went... He looked at me, then turned to the field. Nothing was moving in there. Nothing at all, at all. Ducky started yelling: Touchy! No answer. He was getting scared, he said: Was he alone? How should I know? They hang out in gangs. It was no joke. We were all staring at the corn field... even the Morin girl... who was quite... quite drunk. Ducky was getting more nervous. Touchy, did you catch him? only the crickets answered. And to make us more nervous... Was he armed? Hey, that's when... I said: We're going in. I was determined. Ducky was panicking. I thought he went to get the tire iron, but no. He came back with a flashlight. I told C,duIie: don't move! As we were about to go into the field, the corn started moving. Touchy was coming out, holding the kid by the arm. He runs fast but not in the corn. The kid let himself fall to the ground. I put the 12 gauge in his face, to keep him quiet. When Touchy caught his breath... What's he done to make me run like this? Ducky showed him what the problem was. The smashed statue. The black kid looked at Touchy who couldn't get over it. Oh well, well, well... The kid looked less arrogant than before. And that's when C,duIie said: Let him go, boys. Boys... She still called us that. So if I understand... Mrs Lajeunesse wanted to let him go, but you didn't want to. I agreed with her. I said: She's right. What'II happen if we call the cops? Touchy disagreed, he said: They'II talk to him and force him to buy a new one. I can buy another one. That's not the point. He did something illegal. Since when do you care about what's legal. And I suppose you drank milk at the hotel, so you could drive back? We drank milk... 0.08% . The kind of milk Ducky could lose his license for. And not you? I can't lose mine, I already lost it. No... that's a joke... he still has his license. Everybody was laughing, except... except the neg... black kid, and Ducky convinced her about the police. It's like drinking and driving. You don't get caught, you're OK. He got caught, he's gotta pay. It's our duty as citizens. What if he smashes all the little statues around? If we let him go, he might go and do a massacre at Gagnon's Nursery. We'II feel guilty... our whole lives. They won't hang him, they'II just... give him a ticket. alright! You want to do it, you deal with it. Bertrand, you know where the phone is. I'm going to bed. Come polo sweetheart. We'II go beddy-byes. Come with mommy. She took polo by the arm and... She went back inside caressing his hair, and... It's the Iast time I saw her alive. You stayed with the others? No, I was tired, I had to work early the next morning. I let them deal with it, I jumped into my truck and I went straight home. You're here now, so you came back later. - Is that it? - One hour later. Yeah, one hour later. I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep. I drank some water and looked out the window. Lights were on at C,duIie's, so I went over right away. Just as I got there, I think I heard a gun shot. Then the lights went out. So I slowed down, down, then... a second shot, and the lights came on. I stepped on it, then I saw the kid with the gun. I just had time to lean over, then another shot. There was a hole where my face was before, the black guy was gone. I got out of my truck and ran across the lawn. There's Touchy, Ducky with Josée, and C,duIie, covered in blood. What happened? , I asked. Touchy couldn't answer. C,duIie wasn't moving. Ducky was speechless. Josée, was crying. Touchy was trying to bring her to... I felt something in my back. I turned, saw polo. He had blood in his mouth. We tried to bring her to, but she was gone, gone for good. polo walked towards where the black kid was. That's when I felt a burning in my back and I knew he bit me. I never saw him do anything like that. Maybe he knew his mother was gone. Maybe he did it to show his grief. Maybe he would've bitten himself, had he been alone. We don't know. We don't know how he thinks. Maybe he understands, but it's all stuck inside, and can't come out with words. Poor polo... What's gonna happen to him? Where will he end up? 'Twenty years old, a heart filled with hope and dreams 'He comes to buy 'a few roses still in bud 'The flower girl is pretty 'Iost in the first bIushes 'He's unsure of himself when he gently tells her: 'Give me some roses, 'mademoiseIIe 'I have a " rendez-vous" 'It's very important 'Choose them for me 'Among the more beautiful ones 'Give me some roses 'She loves them so. Goddam tragedy! Goddam gun! Why did I leave it with her? Goddam son-of-a-bitch. Fine... you can go. Thanks. You hurt yourself? It's nothing. A stupid thumb-tack over there. You should disinfect it. Yeah, later. You know, earlier with the coroner, maybe I went too fast. You weren't too hot for the idea. No, it's OK. I'm sorry. You didn't want to. Not really, no. What is it? well, you know... I'm retiring in 3 months. Yeah, so? This case looks complicated. I might still have to go to court in 1 , maybe 2 years after I retire, so... We started and that's what counts. You sure? Yeah, sure. Found anything interesting? Yeah, actually... Come, I have a question for them. Who wears high heels? We found fresh tracks. we just need to take prints, it'II be easy to find. He must be talking about the girl, the dancer. The dancer? What dancer? You never mentioned a dancer. He didn't see her, she stayed in my truck until he left. When he came back, she had gone back to the hotel. What's her name? Samantha... so she said. A cutie, fully equipped. Back to the hotel? What hotel? The Intersexion. I'II go check it out. well... next! You go. Name, address and occupation. Duck... lionel PIourde, I Iive at 157, 3rd lane in St-Jude. Occupation... I worked on the Van KIee farm, but I had a small accident, so... I'm declared an invalid... that's about it. OK, go ahead. What happened? What happened? well, a Iot happened. From the top. well, at the beginning... Josée Morin, Touchy Tougas and me, we... we met at the hotel around 7:00pm. Start with when you arrived, and you saw the black guy. You saw him with the lady and her gun. That's it. That's what? That's it... we saw them. You got out of your car? Yeah. Who was there with you, aside from the lady, her son and the suspect? There was the one you call Touchy? Sorry. Josée Morin, the dancer... Anybody else? No, I don't think so. Wasn't Bertrand JoyaI with you? Yeah, but no... Was he there or not? He was there in the yard, but he wasn't with us... at the hotel or in the car. alright. So when you got there? He ran away. And you caught him. Yeah. You ran after him? Yeah, well Touchy ran, me... with the pick up. With the pick up? In the corn? Yeah, I've got a bad leg. So then... you caught him and you brought him back. What did you do to keep him from running away? You locked him up? You aimed the gun at him? What? No, no, we thought that was too dangerous. Same with locking him up. We didn't want him to break anything else. So... We didn't... we didn't lock him up. In that case, what did you do? Did you tie him up? You tied him up? You tied him up? Just like that? Either that or we'd have to shove the gun in his face. Too dangerous. Out here, we call the pig... the police, they don't get here that fast, it can take an hour. I don't know why I'm telling you this, I guess you know that... You tied him up. I don't get it. You all agreed. Even the lady? She just didn't want us to hurt him. - So she was against it. - No, she didn't want us to hurt him. So you hurt him? No, that's not it, it's... you know... I just wanted to say this... The kid, we could see he was just a kid. We couldn't let him do things like that, and do nothing about it. He's gotta grow up properly. - So he'd grow up properly? - Yeah. Yeah, OK. And then? After that... well, Josée Morin, you know... she got like, a bit sick. So we put her to bed in here. When I came out, the black kid had gotten loose, and was aiming the gun at them. Wait a minute... She was sick... She was throwing up? Yeah, she had a few drinks at the hotel. well, quite a few. Maybe a few too many, maybe. Yeah and I guess she must've fallen too, judging by the bruises. Yeah, many times over. You also fell. Your lip? Oh me, just one time over. How did it happen? It's, well... That happened when we... in the corn, you know. I was driving the pick up. It swings a Iot and we caught a small ditch and it... right here. On the steering. But I'm fine. You get outside, the black kid had gotten loose? He got loose... How? I don't know. So he was aiming the gun at the people, and you tried to reason with him? Yeah. His reactions? He wasn't reacting, Iike. Did he talk to you? He didn't talk. could he understand you? Not at first. Not at first. At first, he didn't understand, then he did? Yeah. When? When... you see... At one point... We said: We'II call the cops. That's when he took off into the corn. So we thought he understood us. Then he didn't react to what we said anymore. He didn't talk. Maybe he was deaf. It's possible. Wait a minute. You said, at first he didn't understand, then he did. But wasn't the chase in the corn at the beginning? It's after that he stopped reacting to what we said. So you went outside, then he was aiming at everybody with his gun, and you were... you couldn't possibly dissuade him? Right? So what happened then? After that... The lights went out. I tried getting the gun. There was some pulling, then... some struggling and the gun went off. The old lady got it, Fuck. So then... the lights went out... how? Touchy turned them off while I talked to the neg... kid. Then Bertrand JoyaI arrived and the black kid took off after having shot at Mister JoyaI's pick up. He had left at what point? After the tying up. Anything else? No. Yeah, then martial arrived. Yes, then he chased after the black kid. And how is martial doing? He'II come out of it with quite a shock. Yeah, great. He's the Iast guy you want that to happen to. I'II manage with this. That's about it. 2 officers were taken hostage in a crack house, during a raid that turned into a shoot-out. Today's the second day. We don't know about the state of the hostages... I'II read it back to you, and stop me if there's a problem. "At about 1 :30am, Saturday, August 1st 2001 , "I, lionel PIourde, also known as Ducky, "and a declared invalid, "residing at 157, 3rd lane, St-Jude, Bagot county, "came back from the Intersexion "with Tougas, Morin who was drunk, and Samantha a dancer, "saw the suspect, a black man about 20, "held at gun point by the victim, "in the presence of her son, and a neighbor, "in front of the 141 , 4th lane, St-Barnaby, Bagot county." OK? Yeah, well, it's just that you say " victim", but she's not quite a victim yet. No, but now we know it. But she wasn't, she had the gun. Listen, why don't you just... It's just that it wasn't clear. "We stopped right away. Tougas and I got out "to help them out, but as we got there, "the suspect ran into the corn field across the street, "where Tougas and I rushed in behind him, "caught him and brought him back to where he started from." - OK up to now? - Just fine. "To make sure that he stayed put until the police came, "we decided all together, Tougas, JoyaI and I, "to tie him up in the backyard." It's Bertrand and Touchy who tied him up. Yes, but you agreed to it. That's what this sentence means. OK, I'm sorry. I'm tired, I didn't sleep. "Once the suspect was tied up, "three events occurred as follows: "firstly, Bertrand JoyaI decided to go to bed with his truck, "secondly, the aforementioned Samantha with Tougas's car, "thirdIy, Josée Morin, inebriated, fainted. "Forgetting the suspect, we took her inside and laid her on the bed, "thus leaving the victim with the suspect." What is it? What? That's not it? It's... No, no, it's pretty good. What's wrong? Is it my style? It's how you make the people interact... especially with the vehicles. It's fine, that's the way it happened anyway. hello? The boss around? He's sleeping. I'm replacing him. What's it about? I'm looking for Samantha. It's about the black guy who raped and killed the lady... She's in room 15, in the motel across the road. OK, thanks. "...while SyIvain Tougas walked casually towards the veranda, the suspect fired a warning volley..." No, he fired a 12 gauge... It wasn't a... A warning volley means it's a shot in the ground. It's a shot fired to tell me... It's a shot that was fired in front of me into the ground, To tell me to stay where I was. Which I did. "Tougas reached the switch of the lamppost "that lit the backyard, "and plunged it into obscurity. I leaped at the suspect "and grabbed the rifle "that fired in the dark, unfortunately at the victim..." Now we have a victim. It's Mrs Lajeunesse. "...realizing it with dismay and stupor, "when Tougas turned the switch on the lamppost in the backyard. "I was paralyzed by the spectacle, "the suspect took the rifle and shot Bertrand's truck, "who'd come to see what was going on, "but who was also aghast at the corpse, "allowing the suspect to flee. "Soon after, "the police penetrated the yard. "duly signed in my presence, "Detective Sgt, Homicide, QPP, "today, August 1st, 2001 ." Is that alright with you? Is it OK? Any changes? well, that's fine. Who is it? Detective Sgt Jacques PIante, QPP. Fuck, Touchy! You know what time it is? It's not Touchy. Take your keys, and go away! Shit! What's going on? Can I do anything for you? I mean... for us both? Just relax a little... Get dressed. Here. My top... it'd be nice if you... Do you know where we're going? There were a few complications at Mrs Lajeunesse's. It was bound to finish badly. I got a few little questions. No problem. Go on, Touchy! Show'em how to work, goddammit! Touchy? That's what they call me. I can get around even when I can't see anymore. OK, tell me what happened. We left the hotel, we came from there. We? Ducky, well PIourde... Jose, who wasn't drunk like a skunk, but like a whole zoo. Samantha, the dancer your partner went to wake up. Bertrand, the old lady and polo were here. The old lady aimed the gun at the negro, who was here by the statue. polo was... It's always hard to say where he is. But I'd say about where you are. We parked our cars where the ugliest one of the bunch is. Christ, Manon, what're you doin' with that turkey? So Ducky and me got out, we all ended up here. We didn't get to see the statue before... the negro took off. Bertrand tried to grab him but the bugger kicked him in the salami. He won't need a mirror to see his dick! So that's it... He took off, with Ducky and me after him. We got into my truck and off into the corn! We did... well, we can... we'II go see. We drove around here, here, here, there, there... and we ended up... We'II cut across here it's easier. We ended up... we ended up, we ended up... We ended up right here. Here comes the boss. Look at the bright side, It's that much less to cut in the fall. It's for a good cause. You bet, to avenge Bertrand's balls. So Ducky and I grabbed him. Ducky drove back, I went with the negro. You weren't afraid for your balls? I was holding him fuckin' tight! He wasn't gonna ruin my night with the dancer. Was he big... like Tyson? A little one like those who dance on their heads in the US. So that's it, we took him back to the house. Let's go. You were the only one missing. Since you started working... I'II have to go buy some hardware, you son-of-a-bitch! We'II steal a couple of corns and have a party tonight. Can you please stay behind the rope? Meet you at the hotel with your visas. My saliva's expensive when things like this happen! So we got out of the pop corn field and brought him here. Then you tied him up. that's it. Where? To the little tractor. To the tractor? Where? How did you tie him? Over there, we tied his hands to the bucket. - It was that or else... - You'd put the gun in his face. I heard. But to the tractor? really... would a post or a car bumper been better? He's not a moose, he's a human being. And besides... the old lady wasn't sure about the cops. She was starting to find him pretty cute. She said it was OK, she'd buy another one, it wasn't that expensive... A good reason to tie him up while she made up her mind. What happened next? well, then they all started going their own way! Bertrand couldn't stop yawning... so he decided to go to bed. Then Samantha ran out of feed and she wanted to leave. Feed... Dancers don't run on " lead free". Anyway... Then Josée who was about to throw up all over, wanted to talk to him! Too drunk to walk, she trips, smashes her face against the bucket and conks right out! The old lady tells us to put her into her bed. So me and Quack-quack carry her in. You coming? So we got here with her. But then... it's weird, the old lady didn't follow. And Josée was heavy. The old lady stayed outside. By the time we went in and came out, the negro got loose, got the gun and shoved it in Ducky's face. Then it all went real fast. Ducky was here, I was behind on the balcony. He wasn't far from where you are, and he aimed at Ducky cuz he was closest. The old lady was... was here. So Ducky tells him to stop. That we'II let him go, but he won't listen. When I see this, I'm still on the balcony. I think he'II get fed up and beat it. No! He shoots in the ground near Ducky. When I see he doesn't want to know nothing, and it's getting dangerous, I got no choice. So I reach out... Come see the switch. See the switch? I've seen one before, thanks. So, I turn off the light. Then a shot. Turn it on. When... as soon as it got dark, Ducky who was here, tried grabbing the gun. So when he grabbed it, the negro wanted it back. So he pulled on his end. When he pulled it turned this way. And who was here? It's fuckin' stupid. And that's when Mr JoyaI arrived. Right? Yeah. The kid fired a shot on the road, and Bert got here in a flash. while we tried to wake the old lady, went berserk right after. Ducky tried calming her. I went in to dial 9-1 -1 . When I came out, polo took a bite out of Bert's back, and took off behind the kid. That's it. 10 minutes later, martial arrived and took off after the kid. I hope he'II be fine, he's been around so long. Fine. OK. That'II do. Anyway... it was a pleasure. If there's anything, you can always reach me on my portable: 404-447 4. You wanna mark it down... no? Thank you. So we left, there was SyIvain Tougas, well Touchy... there was the guy called Ducky, and... a girl, what was her name...? - Josée Morin. - That's it, Josée. Touchy asked me for a nightcap at his place, I said sure. He said: let's give her a lift, she can't stand up straight, we'II leave her there. So we left, the four of us. There was Touchy and me in his truck with the girl in the back. Ducky followed in another car, so we were 2 cars. - What's going on? - I don't know. Let's go see. Christ, Bertrand, what's this? It's a negro. I can see that, but where did you get it? Hey! Check it out! No, I see fine from here. Check it out! holy goddam fuckin' shit! - It's too bad. - These things happen. These things happen... It shouldn't happen, especially not to me. - You're too nice... - well, maybe... I don't know what to do. We can't call the police for this. They won't come with a negro involved. Since they shot a few, they let them all go now. hello polo! How many times did I tell... Hunting was good tonight, granny! Damn! holy... A hell of a family feud! What did the kid do, to bust him up like that? You want us to let you go, apologize. Christ! You fuckin' shit negro! You actually got some! We're so happy for you, Bert! Does your voice go up now? Shit, leave me alone! Go catch the fucker. Let him go! It's only a plaster statue. I'm the one who got hit, I don't have plaster balls. You're not the Iaw! - The law is... - The law! It's only there to protect the crooks! From the biggest to the smallest statue buster. It doesn't matter, they have to take care of it. If they take care of you Iike they did with me. I tell you, they won't buy you a new one. Not only that, you'II end up being guilty... for putting a plaster statue on your balcony. The ones who'II take care of him... is the same gang who seized my land. You trying to make him pay for all the crap you took? Not at all! Not at all! I already paid enough as it is! I'm still paying every day! I've busted my ass on my tractor for 10 years for that Dutch in his Mercedes! Who got a 1 million dollar Ioan, to buy back my land. You wouldn't have to pay, had you worked a bit. Besides, you knew it! At least he takes care of his farm! He works on it 7 days a week! You are responsible for what happened. We're not fighting. So what do we do? Let's go catch him, it'II be fun. He must be far by now, if he's on asteroids like Ben Johnson. Get behind and lead me through the field. Where're we going? Give me a chance! - What the fuck...? - Rodeo! Touchy, don't be stupid! Where's that damn rat! Go on, straight ahead! will you stop fuckin' around, for Chrissake? There's the negro! Turn right! Straight ahead! Go, go, go! I don't like it! We'II catch that gazelle. You don't have to do this. Let him go! Let him go! I'm not having fun! Chase the gazelle! Party time! You're fuckin' crazy! Stop it right now! There he is! Where are you going? Not that easy in the pop corn, huh? Hey brownie, you got some chocolate? follow me with the truck. Why you doing this? He bust the statue. Come on! You thought we couldn't catch up? I got a hell of a pick up. Don't try what you did to Bert on me. I curl too, when I'm mad! Don't move, you bastard! Get up! Hey Bert! What do we do? Bring the fucker here. Give me your hand! We'II tie him to the bucket. That's good, Bert! Come on! Let's go! Come on! Stop moving! It ain't funny! Maybe you don't understand, but you see this! You move a hair and I rip your head off, get it? Tie his legs, you got your balls back, it wouId be a shame to lose'em again! Better than nothing. You won't get away. Damn! He's really black. Not that black. I saw even darker ones in montreal. It's been at Ieast 5 years since you saw one. It's the first time I see one this close. You? Like this, in person, not often. If you treat them like that we won't see any more. - Untie him. - I'm not in any hurry, I'm thinking. Think while you untie him. - Come and see! - I'm staying here. Come on! Those guys are pro dancers. You might find a few moves to use, after you throw your g-string in the room. What can he teach me? Come and see. A lesson in moon walking, right. How can he show me anything, if he's like that? Come on, untie him. What's that thing? smell the coffee, we're out in the country! Guys, I don't care, but with the ride she got in the corn, you'II need a shovel to clean out your car. Why didn't you put her in your car? Get over here. polo, no, no... Don't be angry with him. Get out! She don't drink often but when she does, she can't stop! 2 She lacks something. Fuck off! Shit! Grab her! Are you her guy or not? She ain't got any and won't get any either. She gets her kid babysat, when the check comes, she ends up this way every time. So she misses out on a good reaming. Fuck! Come on, goddammit! Stay in your goddam vomit! Hey, the girl's sick! It's her fault! You know I didn't mean to hurt you. I had the little negro in my garden, because... I found him beautiful. You understand that? I thought he was very beautiful. Out here, I'm quite isolated. So sometimes beautiful things are the difference between... being able and... not being able to keep on living. Sometimes... I get to the point... of being tired of everything. So... let's say that, when I bought my little statue... I was at the end of my rope. But it made me feel better. And allowed me to keep going. It's funny, sometimes all it takes are small things like that. You know, I'm not mad at you for breaking the statue. Maybe... for you, breaking it... was a little bit like me. Breaking it made you feel as good as me... when I brought it back and placed it on... a throne of flowers in front of the house. Christ, granny, are you sweet-taIking him? What do you want? I couId put him in your bed. Hey you! Do you mind! Me, I'm Touchy... Touchy Tougas. Who are you? Touchy Tougas, you is what? He doesn't talk. It's possible he just came from Africa. Zimbabwe? will you stop it? Bertrand, do something! He ain't leaving 'tiI the damage is paid. Do you have some money? Cash? Don't forget to check the one in front. only 5$! Not even enough to pay for the little plaster fishing rod. I told you I couId afford another one! relax! We'II let him go later, I promise. Souvenirs, fuck! Group picture! Get closer everyone! I'm fed up with you stupid farmers! Take me home! Look, we'II go after the picture. This is my place and you're all leaving! We'II untie him after the picture! We'II leave after the picture. Touchy, check this! The black one in the corner! Behave, or it's the cemetery. help me with Josée! It's OK, I'II take care of it. Come on, honey. Watch it! Did she eat some garbage, she smells like the dump! Be careful, it's hot! Be careful! The chicks on either side. Looks great! Put your arm around him. And French him? If you got something to wash with after, I don't care. Wait, I got an idea. He's not very old. I don't know how old he his. They all look the same. If you Iike him, the age don't count. They're born equipped like Starbuck. Who's Starbuck? She doesn't know who he is? He's the champ at the insemination center. You know many times he fucks in a day? No wonder they got long dicks. What would a lame duck look like after being reamed by a Starbuck? kneel down in front with this. It's too dangerous. It's just a hunting picture. Out of the question. - You want us to let him go? - Yes. Then we'II take the picture. Then it's a promise? Promise is a promise. OK, Iet's go! Watch it! Something's missing. polo! Watch it everybody! Everyone say negro! In 5... 4... 3... 2... 1 . 3 Negro! Now let him go! You want a real one? I can bolt him down for you. Hey, you there! I better get down before I pass out. The fumes rise up. Now the batteries! Come! By the time I get back, he better be untied or I call the cops and they'II arrest you. Yeah, yeah... OK, we're going! What's the hurry? Aren't we having fun? It's carnival time, Christ! Yes sir, madam! carnival, fuck! Party time, Christ! - Come here, Touchy. - We'II have a beer first. We apologize, she's very affectionate, on pay day. That's it, keep it up, get it out! - Go get her. - And dirty my hands. I'II make a deal with you. I'II untie you, if you talk to me. And you don't have to tell me you love me. I'II untie you anyway. Come on, damn, why don't you talk to me? I gross you out? Is that it? At least tell me, you fuckin' coward! You're heartless! You get what you deserve! You have no more heart than them! Maybe not more heart, but more tall. Can't be picky with a gift dick. Goddam big mouth! Big dick! Big mouth, little dick. When you get paid to do nothing... Shut up! it makes your tongue grow and your dick shrink! And your brain too! She's after me, so she won't see her own problem. You and me got the same problem, Quack-quack. We're both cowards! Speak for yourself! The difference between you and me, is that I try to change. Yeah, quite a change! You sit and wait for it to come along... like your check. And when it doesn't come, then you laugh at anyone who makes an effort. You laugh at Bert who busts his ass working to pay his debts. You even laugh at Touchy. Cuz he isn't smart enough to get more than his welfare. Shut up! She's just saying anything. You laugh at me too, Christ. Easy, huh? Damn right! I'm the idiot stuck with a kid living up in the back roads. Here we go again, fuck! Fuckin' coward! You were fucking right and left and I should... I wasn't fucking around before you dumped me, asshole! what? You got it all wrong! Fuckin' selfish coward! OK, stop it! tell me what... tell me what... Admit it, Christ! You're a chicken, a fuckin' worm. - Admit it, at Ieast! - Shut the fuck up! It might make a man out of you. Leave me alone! Ducky, don't let a woman treat you Iike that! Here! You're gonna leave me the fuck alone! Butt out, OK? You don't have the right to put me down! She can't say all that crap! Stop, or we'II start believing her. If I said: polo wasn't along when he fell in the bailer. It was just the two of you. We only have your version of the story. OK. It's the same as what she's doing to me! Move! We're here to have fun and we got just the right thing. What's going on, now? What have you done? This is insane! What happened? Nothing. It's a party. Who did this? You're gonna take her inside! She stays there, Christ! She asked for it! You're gonna take her in or you'II have me to deal with! No problem. You! Move and give him a hand. Come on, Iet's go! Move it! And you Bertrand JoyaI, you better untie that child right away! Enough nonsense! Don't drop her! - Take me back! - No way. It's not far. Come on. I'm tired. I'II give you a 100$. - A 100$. - You came with them, go with them. You're rotten! It's just 10 minutes away. If you're too tired, you can stay at the hotel. I don't mind, I got room. I didn't know if someone would untie him. - hold it! - He had a rough time. I thought he was gonna bleed to death. I'm so happy! Who tied this fuckin' knot! The hell with it! The hell with it! You can all go to hell! Shit! We're fuckin' stuck here! Hey, did you come here by car? A pick up, a scooter, a transport vehicle, no? I'II make a deal with you. Say you got a car, I'II let you go. I untie you and we both go. I can't take the chance... if there's no car, and we run into the field, and they follow us.. I mean, could we make a... Goddam fucking shit! Am I the only one upset around here? I wanted to have fun tonight, not this! I poked myself in the eye up to the elbow! Can somebody come and get me? Can't I get a cab, Christ? What camping ground is this? holy goddam fuckin' son-of-a-bitch! Christ... You there... may be the smartest one here. You look so damned happy. Take me back to the hotel. Take me back to the hotel, OK? I can't take it any more. I got a fuckin' headache. Touchy! What's with her now? What's with them tonight? One's the check, the other the full moon. It makes everyone go nuts. Where in the fuck is Bertrand? He took off? OK, time out. - What is it? - Take me back. We're going. We'II untie him and we'II go. - I want a picture. - It's 5$ each. Goddam welfare! Fuckin' Workmen's Comp. Come on, one last beer. What? But we're leaving! Wow, fuck! We're having fun! I want a picture of his dick! Any pictures left in your camera? still got 2. For a 10in dick, we take two 5in pictures. Drop his drawers! We'II unwoII your dick. We'II take a picture, OK? It won't hurt. He understands? You speak French? You speak French? hold this. You've been fooling us! Why don't you answer? He's been laughing at us from the start. Son-of-a-bitch! You, get out of my way! He's mean... my old buddy's mean! He's mean, goddam King Kong? Come on, Christ, lift him up, fuck! You found your match, King Kong? You goddam Kuntakinte! Come on, spin him around, Touchy! Fuckin' son-of-a-bitch! Let's go, Touchy! You like it? You like that? Come on, negro! My negro's come! Move your ass, goddammit! wiggle, my little negro! Come on, swing my little leg of lamb! Stop it! But we're having fun! No! You stop that! The negro's having fun too! Go on, Christ, come on! Come on, shake and bake! Come on, you fuckin' negro, Christ! If I'd known the keys were there... I would've left that sick bunch before. Anyway... I came back here and went to bed. 'This client would come every Saturday 'And before long it was every afternoon 'Now the flower girl knows... 'his every secret 'But she never knows for whom the bouquet is meant 'Give me some roses, mademoiselle 'I have a " rendez-vous" 'It's very important 'Choose them for me 'Among the more beautiful ones 'Give me some roses 'She loves them so Yes, we know where the marks on the wrists come from. What? That's it, fax it to me at the office. OK, thanks J-P. So? Quite different from what she told you. Quite. Each story is different. But it's funny... I tend to trust her more. She's not from around here, she's not covering for anyone. And the coroner? Nothing special about the old lady. A 12 gauge always does the same damage. Your father's hunting accident! Sorry, it never cross... What about it? It's alright... It's confirmed, the boy is in a... neuro-vegetative coma. He's finished. Anything else? Something strange... He had... lesions on his penis. You know what? In the old barn, there was a milking machine. I found a milking machine. well, son-of-a-bitch! Where's the camera? What camera? The dancer told it all... For god's sake! It's enough! I've worked this area for 25 years. So I know about the bachelor parties with miIkers and calves. Last night, you hooked the boy to a milker, and that's clear! What's not so clear is what happened between the milker and the shot to the old lady's chest. Who will tell the story? We told you what we knew. Except me. No rush. Don't talk now. Go back to bed. - Let her talk. - tell him! The 12 gauge is mine. I had lent it to her, and showed her how to use it. I put 3 shells in it before leaving it. Yesterday, 3 shots were fired. One in the ground, one in Mrs Lajeunesse and one in my pick-up. Yeah, so? martial... what, martial? What was he saying last night? That it wasn't his fault, the kid kept shooting at him. Yes but, with what shells? - With what... - Yeah? In front of witnesses too. He was quick on the trigger. Nobody wants him to get into trouble. The kid shot the old lady and he ran away with the gun. And martial... he was acting in self defense. 'One day while preparing his eternal bouquet 'She gently said, you know, I'm going 'I'm marrying tomorrow, 'But I Iike you so, here are ten more roses 'I don't want any more roses, mademoiselle 'Since my " rendez-vous" never existed 'It was to see you, you are so beautiful 'Keep your bouquets, for it's you that I Ioved 'For it's you that I Ioved - What's going on here? - I don't see anything. Anywhere Hey, you okay? That's how they get ya they're under the goddam ground - well, what the hell are they? - The sons of bitches ... smoke from Iraqi shelling ... tank divisions poured across the virtually undefended... These are outlaws... Iraqi troops and tanks continue to roll into Kowait Baghdad is me - You're supposed to be in berlin - Fuck berlin! The wall's down. Baghdad is me, Eason - You've never even been to Baghdad - close enough. jerusalem I wouldn't bring up JerusaIem if I were you. It's not a point in your favor - So what happened in jerusalem? - Oh, they stoned his car Is that why Ted Turner wants me to fire him? That's fine well, good field producers sometimes elicit that response - His crew wasn't killed, he got the story - I think he'II do this Robert I'd Iike you to meet Tom Johnson the new president of CNN How do you do? You're the man who turned around the L.A. Times Nice of you to characterize it that way - So, uh, who you gonna fire here? - Robert, heel well, actually, Ted's memo only mentioned you But I don't think it's so much about a change of personnel CNN has assets we haven't fully utilized You want to know what I think? We're a 24 hour news network looking for a 24 hour story and one just fell from the sky people aren't gonna wait till 7 o'cIock at night to find out whether we're at war or not. They're gonna tune to CNN Yeah, I understand you want Baghdad - Yes, I do - Baghdad's tricky There's the element of finess here that may not be your strongest suit Yeah, I'm the right man for the job Eason, and you know it alright I agree with you. It is a 24 hour story and the whole world's gonna want to see it ABC and CBS are already in there. We've gotta play catch up We've gotta own the story Ted Turner's guaranteed me that we'II have everything we need to do that Now we need somebody with guts and good judgment That's me We know you've got the guts. Now you prove you've got the judgment I want all my employees to come home standing up. Understood? Understood - alright - alright - Farzad Bazoft - Yeah, I know London Observer journalist doing his job. Got a little ambitious, the iraqis hung him as a spy Just want you to know what you're up against They seal the borders, they're not letting people out Right, I know, I get it. police state on the brink of war. State censorship up the kazoo But I'II tell you something: If there is a war and we're there reporting live behind enemy lines This is a journalistic equivalent of walking on the moon - Who do you want? - Murphy Murphy's good, yeah. I Iike Murphy. I want Ingrid Formanek, too - She's in Rome - Yeah But on the map it's like an inch He needs a watchdog, not a cheerleader Are you kidding me? The woman practically hates me She second guesses every move I make - 'You sIeepin with her? - No. I want her head, not her ass. She keeps me honest alright Look, I went out on a limb for you back there. Let's don't fuck it up I know. Thank you. Thank you Hey, Ed - I'm gonna need a shit load of cash - Yeah, right So, we smoke cigars now - Yoo hoo! - Ingrid! You look great. A little pale - You eating alright? - Yeah, anyway. So, what's with the cigars? - Joe wilson smokes them - And he is who? He's our man in Baghdad. Ranking U.S. diplomat - Is there a problem? - Yeah, he confuses dollars with Iiras - What would I do without you? - Die a lonely death Is there any other kind? - Wiener, you dick! - Hey, Joe - You know the man? - Nyet Ingrid Formanek, CNN. Joe ErIichman, CBS, Evening News - Where you going? Why you leaving? - Who knows? They're throwing us out They like to flex the muscle. It's the Iraqi mind fuck Dan Rather's been making sheep eyes at Saddam Hussein trying to land an interview So far all we got is a rug - Where you staying? - Uh, Sheraton ShithoIe. Check out the AI-Rasheed Why'd they let a scumbag like you in, that's what I want to know Why? Who'd you think they got their news from, you? From us they get the news. From you they get access. Bye - See ya later - Yeah, and fuck off We gotta nail that Saddam interview before CBS - Modem? Modem? - Battery pack. For the camera - Modem? - WaIkman walkman! You got another one of those, Mark? Sounded expensive - Are those? - Barf bags Uh huh. For later? No, I collect barf bags from airlines all over the world Kind of a cool thing to have Gonna be a tough gig - 23 bottles of vodka - There's supposed to be 24. Shit - For personal use? - Yeah - You are an alcoholic - You're a customs inspector We all have our parts to play Man, eight hours in customs - Are these gonna be safe up here? - This is worse than Kinshasa Better than Romania, though Yeah. At least here the men have the mustaches His excellency Saddam Hussein do not ask for paintings He's a simple man. But the people love him so they rush to put them up Excuse me. Who are you? I'm Mr. Mazin From Ministry of Information. I'm here to help you - Oh, well, stunning job so far - Thank you - Okay - Where to go? Uh, AI Rasheed - I thought we were staying at the Sheraton - You heard the man. It's a shithole Yeah, so what? I Iike shithoIes Look at this. Straight out of all Babba I think I'm getting one of those rugs I think I'm getting cystitis They could throw us outta here anytime they want We're gonna have to be crafty - We can do crafty - Good Hey. people are headed the other way Looks like ABC. Nice cars. Must be talent I gotta go to the bathroom Yeah, you just think you have to go to the bathroom - Hey, Ingrid. See if you can find a phone - Yep - Maybe Mr... - Mazin - ... Mazin can help you with that - Of course - And call the U.S. Embassy let... - Let them know we're here. OK - No, nothing is available - Not possible. I have a reservation - I find no reservation - Five rooms and a suite Check under CNN, American television See if got it there Hey. You know who this is? This is CNN 24 hours a day. Is it news or is it Muzak? Hey, Ink. How you doing man? What're you doing here? I thought I saw your boys leaving Yeah, they're throwing us out We're doing better than NBC They haven't gotten in yet Ah, the Iraqi mind fuck, huh? Try under WIENER - You heard? - W-I-E-N-E-R At least we're allowed out How much latitude do they give you to report here? Man, you can't take a picture of a guy eating lunch without the OK Serious, yesterday, no kidding, we're trying to shoot a guy having a sandwich They pulled the plug. I mean, c'mon I know the food is bad - Yeah. What's the local feed point like? - Nightmare That's what I figured. How we doing? I have checked all the lists. I do not have a reservation for you Hey, you need help with this guy? unlike you, I have clout Nah, I'm a big boy. I got it. where'd you get that rug? - Don't worry. You'II get a rug - alright. See ya later Here. See what you can do - I will make every attempt - Thank you, sir I told him to take it to your room, alright? So don't worry. Okay Okay, so I talked to Joe wilson at the embassy and it's all set up Great. really good work. Excuse me for a second. - Pardon me, what's your name? - Fatima Fatima. Meet our new translator, Fatima Fatima, Ingrid, Ingrid, Fatima But I'm not a translator I'm an Egyptian student really? How'd you Iike to be a translator? Hundred bucks a day - Hundred dollars? - Yeah - alright. - Okay. Presto, you're a translator - What's your room number? - Everything smooth? - Smooth? I don't know about that - I have found your reservation Perfect - Smooth - Now, how will you be paying? Uh, American Express Kidding. Okay, how about cash? - We accept cash - Yeah, I figured you would "Cash is king", donald Trump - Did you say donald Trump? - Yes. I read his book. Amazing Your room has a view of the mosque and of the swimming pool really? well, that about covers the range of human endeavor. There you go - No way - Check it out Ladies and gentlemen, the rolling Stones! - That's great - Wait, wait, wait Privacy is not what's going on here, Marky boy - Consider that before speaking - tell me about it There's like this blinking red light thing in the bathroom ceiling I'm gonna have to get dressed to take a shower - Room service - Yeah could you send up a Pepsi, please? - I'd take a Pepsi - I'II have a Coke No, there's no Coke in Baghdad. bottling plant's in Dixie - israel - I'd take a YooHoo - It's a chocolate drink - I didn't say anything Make it seven Pepsis Iraq has imposed restrictions on innocent civilians from many countries This is unacceptable release all foreigners now. Give them the right to come and go as they wish Fuck. Anybody else's back hurt? Not me, I brought a pillow with me from home Robert, look at this. This is interesting. Saddam... I don t know what - Hey, where's the Egyptian girl? - Fatima - Hey, Mark, we should record - Fatima, come quick - Fatima... quick. What's he saying? - Come here, what's he saying here? Judy, call CNN and tell them to stand by - Murphy come here - C'mon He's saying these people are British They are our, um, guest, guests - Guests? - Yeah, right He's saying Stuart will, I m sure, be happy that he played a role in maintaining peace Are you getting your milk, Stuart? With cornfIakes, too? He's scaring the shit outta that kid - This is great TV - Yeah, it is - You got kids? - No. My wife's 7 months pregnant - You? - Yeah. I got two atlanta's standing by Hey, Mark, call Mazin and have him book some satellite time feels like a photo top to me - He's saying... - Compassionate Saddam ...the Iraqi child unfortunately do not have any milk This kid's petrified Um, a generous person writes his propaganda Fuck them. Let them say what they want. The story's not here The story's right there The boy is 5 years old. His name is Stuart Lockwood. He's a British subject No, tighter, tighter. The boy, 5 year old Stuart Lockwood is a British subject... Better? held at an undisclosed location... these families, Iike other foreign nationals, have been denied visas from Iraq Here, visited by President Saddam Hussein - ...these people are in effect - these people are in effect Hostages - Isn't there another way to say that? - No You really think that it'II fly? What else are you gonna call them? Guests is not gonna crack it Ok, but we're in it for the Iong haul. Let's try not to get kicked out our first day How about this? In the rest of the world they're called hostages but here, they're called "guests" - Works for me - Okay We'II do a standup with a mosque in the background - Coffee snack - Hey, coffee snack I got time to take a shower? Yeah. It's 3 now. satellite's at 5 Take a shower - You can put it right here - Thank you Here, thanks - Here you go - Oh, thank you Excuse me. Were you in the army here, sir? Oh. Oh, yes. Yes. Five and half years - Did you fight Iran? - Yes Now, may, maybe I, I fight America? - You want to go? - Hey, Mr. Mazin You're early, I Iike that in a man But you want to go, yes? satellite in fifty minutes - No. satellite's at five - Changed to four - What did you just say? - Four - Fuck. call Iraqi TV. - I'II call Iraqi TV Murphy! Let's go. We gotta fly We've got ten minutes holy moley! Gee hi! My grandfather used to have stuffs like this in his basement Yeah, back in the eighties before you were born? - Converter - Excuse me gentlemen. Thank you We're on the bird in four minutes. Judy, where's the tape? Don't worry, it'II be alright - Guys? - Yeah, we're on it Hey, does anyone here speak english? Who might the head honcho be? - Where is Ingrid Formanek? - Oh, I be Ingrid Formanek I am Mrs. Awattif, Director international Department Iraq TV. - delighted to meet you - Hi, I'm Robert Wiener We are really sorry to interrupt your plans for this evening but we got a satellite feed... plans? What plans? I have no plans I am working here. What is your purpose? - I'm a producer. And we need... - I understand ... Miss Formanek is the producer Yeah, and she needs a satellite feed I am here to supervise your transmission, Miss Formanek what do you need? Yes, we need a phone to contact atlanta - That would be the phone in my office - Okay Okay Eason, Baghdad on three Robert, what's going on? We're on two minutes Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. We got it, we got it. Ingrid's down with the censor going over the spot Sisterhood is powerful here in Iraq, man ...and placed in private homes in and around secret military and industrial sites In the rest of the world they're called... - Must be dust - But here in Baghdad they're simply called guests What route are we bringing Baghdad in on? Thirty five, but all we got is hash - Robert, we re not seeing you - Shit! - We're approved - We're fucked. Here, take this Mrs. Awattif, they're not seeing us in atlanta - Judy, keep rolling for levels - We got a chroma shift Yeah, whatever the hell that is, fix it Excuse me, could I get in here? - One minute - Ingrid, we got an image... - ... but the audio needs boosting - We got picture? - Yeah, but you need to boost audio - Shit! How much? - How much? - twelve DBs - Judy, boost the audio twelve DBs - Okay - It's over modulated - How much? - Two DB - Needs to come down two. You go. tell them. I'II handle the phone Thirty seconds Judy, bring the audio down 2 and put 10 in the gate Mark come now Stay there - Fifteen seconds - Robert, we're there. roll 18 - roll it! - 12... 1 1 ... - rolling! - 10... 9... - 7... 6... - C'mon, c'mon 5... 4... 3... 2... 1 Yeah, there we go Some extraordinary images from the Iraqi capital today President Saddam Hussein held a face to face meeting with a group of British hostages A meeting that was carried on Iraqi television The boy, five years old, is Stuart Lockwood, a British subject - It was a good story - It was bullshit! No, it was minimum comment, maximum content, that's all That is irresponsible. You let Saddam spout off his garbage without challenging it You hand HitIer a microphone and you call it journalism - Where was the editorial point of view? - Where's trusting the viewer? They've got the ability to judge this stuff.And they have the right to see it absolutely But how can they know what they're seeing without some kind of context? Hey, I don t need some big lead in I know how I feel About a dictator who puts his hairy fuckin hand on some little hostageboy It's right there for anybody to see - Who are you to say what it means? - Oh, come on Who are we to say what it means? We didn't say what it means - What do you think it means? - I don't know what it means I'II tell you what it could be. If we could get both sides talking What? Peace, love and understanding? C'mon, wierish. We're just the eyes We put this shit up there and people pull it down on their Sonys. I think I'm quoting you Nah, I said Zenith - Oh, man. Are you drunk? - Yes - The moment we become the story... - It's over. I know, I know Fuck 'em! It was a good story We're gonna need another one tomorrow - Another what? - Story. local color Mazin's got something down at the Embassy We gotta get something to feed the beast Come, please, time is counting Hey, hey. Cigars. Embassy men love cigars, remember? You give Embassy man cigars, he gives you big access - Hangover? - brutal Down, down, Bosh! I'm just gonna start wide on the crowd - Quick connect - We're on it. You got it - Get these guys right here - Excuse us. Excuse us - No soldier, no soldier - Hey, hey! Okay, understood Okay. Get the kid, the kid stroller. See it? Yeah, they call the President Bosh instead of Bush Cause bosh in Arabic means "nothing". That's the joke They haul out a new group every day. Teachers union... - So called writers and poets - Mark? - Yeah? - Stop You stop shooting, they all go home This is a very good cigar, by the way.Thank you Thought you might like that, you're welcome Is the Ambassador coming back, or... No. No way. We're in a read and burn mode now Yeah. Hey, I saw your piece on the British hostages Oh, yeah. So? Saddam was attempting to manipulate the media He wanted that material aired But I think it backfired on him. Excuse me well, you know, it's not just the Brits that are trapped here. What about the Americans? Man, I'd love to do a story on American hostages - They can't seem to find any - That's because they're in hiding Sorry... Saddam's holding fourty one at strategic bombing sites already The others are laying low. We don't want them rounded up too Besides, they got burned by another news group Said they were sending pictures home to their families Right. Yeah, yeah, then they put in on the evening news. I know Look, all I know is that they're camera shy well, that's because nobody's ever interviewed them Hey, I don't want to do any misleading. I want to tell a straight story I'm not gonna do a halfassed job I wanna put a face with the story The American public needs to know why they should care And I'II tell you something After careful consideration, the State Department's gonna agree Can I use your phone? Thanks Are you getting your milk, Stuart? And with cornflakes, too See this? You watch NightIine last night? - Oh, the hostage story? - A twenty-minute-charade Mr. Saddam's Neighborhood. We're taking some serious hits on this C'mon, Tom. If they had the technology back then, hitler would have been on "Meet The Press" Stuart Lockwood was a great story That's why they re screaming. That's what great stories do Now this... is not a great story Tom Murphy, CNN, Baghdad I know. Arabs denounce Bush. trivial news day You know what I want Hey, I know. I'm on it - believe me, I'm all over it - alright, make it happen Hi. Robert Wiener, CNN. I've got an eight a.m. with the Director Yes - You are pleased to be seated - Yeah - shortly he will be with you - Okey dokey He will not be long - please, have some mint tea - OK nigel Babcock I'm here for my eleven o'cIock appointment with Mr. Naji AI-Hadikki Yes. please Mr. Wiener will have some tea? This is rude and unacceptable Where is he? Is he here? bloody studip! Hi. Ben Dupont, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation I'm a few minutes early for four o'cIock with Mr. Naji Hadikki Hadithi, Naji AI-Hadithi Yes, Mr. AI Hadithi - He's not here - I'm in the wrong office? No, no, no, no. This is his office. Mr. Naji is not here today Mr. Wiener will have some more tea? - Oh. You leaving? - Yes No, no, no. please, you stay Oh. Hey, here, wait a minute here - It's me - It's you - Thank you. I show it to my son - alright No, please, you stay. Okay? Mr. Robert Wiener? please come in How did you know how to pronounce my name correctly? I took the trouble to find out - Thank you for the cigars - You're welcome I don't smoke. But I'm impressed The same brand as you gave to Mr. wilson at the Embassy Ooh, this is the Ministry of Information How can I help you? A few things, actually, there's a request there for a couple of pieces of equipment I need a fourwire and a flyaway What is this? A fourwire is kind of elaborate phone system that will allow me to get through to my bureau in Amman and a flyaway's a little more elaborate Now, this has already been requested by your atlanta office. What else? I want an interview with President Saddam Hussein - You've made me a written request? - It's in there as well, yeah - I'II see what I can do - How soon? - You take liberties - I'm an American We're the liberty people - Tea? - Yeah What would be the purpose for The interview? well, I gotta tell ya, I think without a dialogue, war is inevitable Yeah, but no dialogue is possible Your government and the Zionists have blackmailed the United Nations - Are you a Zionist? - No, I'm not You depicted President Hussein as a hostage taker Now, these people were his guests. Nothing more - The President got his message out? - No. You got your message out The Koran says: "Confound not truth with falsehood..." "... Nor knowingly conceal the truth" Can we at Ieast agree on that guiding philosophy? Do you think I'm so naive as to be charmed by a fortunate memory? I lucked out. That's the only quarter I remember from college That, and the impression of profound human document Divine Why would President Saddam Hussein do CNN? Because we're the only network with global outreach Because we're in every foreign ministry ... And because he watches it According to U.S. intelligence a number of Iraqi troops now... - What would be the interview's length? - One hour at Ieast - Ninety minutes? - One hour - Unedited? - Unedited Bernard Shaw? No, that crosses the lines. We have to choose our own interviewers Of course, this is all a theoretical conversation, you understand? Mint tea, whew! You know, strange enough, I Iike the guy Let's not be seduced by a British accent You don't get to where he is without doing some pretty heinous stuff I know. I'm just saying I kinda like him. A human thing - Do I smell like mint? - Hmm? Yeah, vaguely BBC world Service Bush made a taped message directed to the Iraqi people, going out on Iraqi TV - Okay - We should get some reaction in the street Once again, Iraq finds itself on the brink of war Once again the same Iraqi leadership has miscalculated Once again the Iraqi people face tragedy I do not believe that you, people of Iraq, want war You've born untold suffering... An American woman far from home, trapped in a war zone Cut it out! Don't you get this? He says we're on the brink of war We're in Saddam's neighborhood Saddam's the number one target They're gonna bomb the shit out of this place. Right here Not 'til we get this interview. C'mon, over here By the way, just a reminder Robert. I'm leaving in two days - What are you talking about? - I signed up for one rotation and it's up in two days - This, what, this is news to me - He did say one rotation I'd stay, but my, my wife. She's due in a month Oh, this is war. You're on a news story, Tom If it was just me I'd stay, but it's not and I'm going Look, I gotta think about my wife and my baby I got a wife and I got two babies Yeah, and that's your problem I signed up for one rotation It's one rotation. That's it alright. Okay. alright, alright, I got ya great, well, while you're here can you go get some reactions or something? You could've made him feel a little better about it Who're we gonna get to replace him? Richard Roth, CNN. I'd Iike a room in which no one has ever smoked a cigarette - Hey - Richard Roth, don't call me Dick Robert Wiener. Don't call me Dick either - Good to see you. What's with the tuna? - Not much for Mideast cuisine Hey, thanks for coming well, no one else wanted to. I didn't want to either, but... - well, you came just in time - Oh, how's that? We're going to a barbecue Not bad, the life of public service, huh? They're just a bunch of oil workers and businessmen They got their families out and kept on working til things got a little too hot Now they're holed up here. It's for their own protection They leave they can be kidnapped by Saddam's men and used as human shields at potential bombing sites Yeah, Wow - Ready? Okay, in here - Yeah - How you doing? - Who the hell are you? Oh, hey. How you doing? CNN. We wanted to talk to you a little bit. I'm Robert Wiener No interviews. Nobody here wants publicity well, don't you have people back home who want to see you? Who need to hear you're okay? - Heard that before - Look, we think it's really important that the American public realizes you being held hostage here What do you think I'm gonna do? Put you on camera, ask you if you'd Iike to see Saddam be violated by a camel? Hey! Who let you guys in here? Oh, hi. We're, uh, we're from CNN - We were gonna do some interviews - Like hell you are Leave us alone and get out None of us want anything to do with you here Stu, calm down. These guys are fine - I'm not calming down - Oh, c'mon. Don't be like that Yeah, nobody likes a scumbag - What did you say to me? - We're not gonna interview you, anyway We want the American side of the story more, uh... - Sympathetic? - Sympathetic. Yeah Did you let this clown in here wilson? You got a Yankee score, there? Forget about the Yankees. How about them Braves? - Richard Roth, CNN. - Bob Vinton - Hi - Hi You are nothing but a bunch overpaid, bone picking vultures You're confusing us with CBS pal. We're the underpaid vultures That's the problem with you people. Everything's a joke to you But you tamper with people's lives. Let me tell you something, pal - Are you frightened? - Sure I'm frightened I can't spend my days cowering behind these walls And I can t worry about things that I can't do anything about This is something I can't worry about My company sent me over here to do a job and I'm gonna get out here and do it I feel totally safe in Baghdad The Iraqis are wonderful people and I can't imagine them mistreating us at all Oh, hey,I understand your feeling though I don't agree. I'm just saying Hey, where did your people go? And that's a cut - That's terrific - Anything else? No, that was great... I'd Iike to do a foIIow-up in a day or two - What do you think? - Sure - Let me ask you something - The guy has a right How do you sleep at night? You put that good man's life in danger How do you sleep at night? - Sure - Hey, thanks I sleep just fine Thanks! venezuela has vowed to increase oil production by fifteen percent But with Saddam Hussein now effectively controlling 20% of the world's oil supplies experts predict gas prices will continue to soar This is John HoIIiman reporting - Nice piece, John - Thanks You look nice today The arab nation is one nation, it is what I'm saying We do not want war, although we know we can fight I need a field assignment I'm going crazy - well, you should talk that with Eason - He told me to talk to you - What did you have in mind,John? - Baghdad You don't know that part of world well, I didn't know Tienanmen Square either Look, I've been on oil desk for a year. I know the issues And that's a very important desk right now I don't think we have anybody to take your place Look, Ed, look, I've put in my time. I deserve this - hold on a second - And if you become a human shield at some strategic site? I pray every day that this crisis is over. I sure miss my wife See you real soon, honey Not bad. Listen, John. Now, I hear you. I know what you're saying And I'II keep it in mind. But you're valuable here and, frankly, Baghdad... - ... it doesn't fit you Iike a glove - Ed! - Did you see it? - Terrific. Good story John, Iet me give it some thought. alright? - Good work, by the way, The hand. - Thank you. - So how did it play? - Terrific story, Robert Great, great work! We're out there alone with it ! We aced everyone! well done! - Thanks, Ed - Great work The Iraqis are wonderful people. I can't imagine them mistreating us And he'II have a YooHoo That's a chocolate drink. I'II have a beer. It's a malt beverage Thank you Look at this. I didn't even get a moment to rest on my laurels So many reporters, one little story. You have any notion to get us back in front? Saddam Hussein interview I'm building what they call strong relationship with the Ministry of Information Is that a good thing? Hey, Inky! Saddam let you back in, huh? Hey, he throws us out, no reason he lets us back, no reason He could double for my second wife Take a mini bath. There DSB season has officially begun - DSB? - deadly Sperm Backup See, you on air guys never stick around long enough to feel the pain - It's excruciating - Robert, can I have a word? Yeah. What's the matter? well, that's clear enough, I'II go get some tuna Bob Vinton's been taken prisonner by the Iraqis What? He went back to work and they got him. He's missing More allegations of Iraqi brutality emerged today as Kuwaiti refugees testified before a congressional committee They took the babies out of incubators Took the incubators and left the children to die on the cold floor Other witnesses told of torture and violence at the hands of Saddam's troops You didn't kidnap that guy. The Iraqis did - I put him in jeopardy - It was his call Doesn't let me off Egomaniac. You think everything's about you well, Bob Vinton's not about you. Bob Vinton is about Bob Vinton You think he's somewhere obsessing about you, Robert Wiener, right now? Trust me, Wierish, he has other fish to fry. He's in his story and we're in ours - Yeah, I don't like my story much - That's alright. You can work it out - You didn't make me feel any better - I know, I'm not after cheap emotion What are you after, Miss Formanek? A drink This is a CBS News exclusive report. Dan Rather and Saddam Hussein - Shit! - Shit! - That was my interview - I never said you'd get it No, but you gave it to Dan Rather and CBS These decisions are made in a very high place I'm gonna jump from a very place - Is it really so important? - Yeah, it is really that important? It is to me It makes me look bad back home plus, if you give it to CNN. We give it more time or we give it more play They would only give us half an hour - Who? - Your people. CNN. - I, I said an hour - And your people said half an hour You trusted some schmuck back in atlanta? Why didn't you come to me? Don' t dwell on it Other subjects. Your equipment request for a fourwire telephone system and a flyaway Now, for the flyaway the answer is no But for the fourwire, looks promising that permission may be received Come on, this may be a significant thing for you There's something else - Bob Vinton - You knew him? - Past tense? - You know him? Yeah, I, uh, put him on TV and now he's missing - Having a hard time sleeping - Yeah, when it's your countrymen When it's my country, you don't care Oh, please. Look, you and I are trying to prevent something here You take a guy like Bob Vinton that doesn't help anyone's cause Look, I just want to know: Is he safe? I want you to look at me and understand me I can tell you nothing about this man. Is he safe? I can tell you nothing I couId do something for you What're you talking about? You've heard the outrageous allegations of Iraqi soldiers taking babies from incubators Yeah. Are they true? Maybe I couId let you and your crew go to Kuwait No one but the Army is there. You'd be the first For you Crank up this caravan,Scheherazade We're going to Kuwait. Where's she? - Oh, Jesus. Sorry. - Hang on. We're going to Kuwait? - Yeah - well, says who? And rest assured. Upon his last sigh, I'll be with you. Mosca! Well done, you're making progress. - Who is the rascal waiting outside? - It must be Corvino. After the vulture, the crow to peck at your skin. You're going upstairs? I thought your legs were paralyzed? What brings you here? An affair? Your thoughts are no better than your reputation. I wouldn't stake anything on it. I don't need your loan! Gentlemen, speak softly in the house of the dead. What, already? - He's taking a nap. - He's still lingering! Have a little patience. - Who will go in first? - That's me. No, me. We'll toss for it with a gold coin. I'm waiting. - Tails! - It's heads. Follow me. And my coin? Don't worry, it's safe. You can't let him suffer like this. I mentioned this to a doctor. He gave me some medicine. - Yes? - It's very soothing. - It will calm him down. - Well, well. Yes! It shortens suffering. I brought a small bottle, in case. He's very suspicious of drugs and doctors. I also know an excellent doctor. - No, no doctor. - Why? They're charlatans, disturbing the work of God. In his place, I would rather die without warning. - Is the will done? - The heir's name is still missing. The wretched will isn't ready. And maybe he's at his last gasp. Hey, that's new, isn't it? Is it a gift? - The cup? From the notary. - To get the inheritance. - I wonder. - It's all too obvious. - But what did Volpone say? - Oh, he has lost his mind. Give him a gift and you become his best friend. The pack of rascals. They want his inheritance! Starting today, I'll make Volpone a partner in my business. Tell him! This is the first installment, 300 chequins. He will take this medicine more easily than your bottle. When the old miser hears ducats ringing it's like raising the lid of his coffin. It's Corvino, your friend Corvino is here. Money, money. 300 chequins. Your friend Corvino brought you 300 chequins. Oh, Corvino! 300 chequins. Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, oh, noble friend. You hear? Noble friend. He has never said that to anyone. Take the chance, say a few kind words from the heart. Ah, Volpone! If I could give my blood to restore your health I would not hesitate. My wife Colomba prays for you all day. And I've decided to give you a share in my business. Oh, what kind people. Oh, how sad to die when you are surrounded with such friends! He has tears in his eyes. - Corbaccio is getting impatient. - That old usurer? That 85-year-old skeleton? What is he doing here? - He comes every day. - Every day? I'm staying! You are not alone, my dear Volpone. I won't leave you! Get rid of him! Done. Don't you go with your wife to the sermon on Friday? She went there alone? Who told you? - All Venice knows. - It's a joke. Don't get angry. - I'm only repeating the rumor. - Who told you she was there? - I forbade her to go. - Well then, you must feel safe. Shall I go and see if Venice's beauty is at home? Mind your own business! I'm old enough to look after my wife. Laugh away, hoard your money! One day it might run away! Not likely! But your wife might. - I'm not worried! - Nor I. - Where were you this morning? - My lord! Ah ha! You're pale! - Where were you? - Where I should be. At home. - Why did you turn pale? - You scared me coming in. - Swear you were here! - I swear. Of course, a false oath more or less, who cares! When did you last see Mosca? Which Mosca? You don't know? He knows you, though. He speaks of your charms and knows you go to the sermon! - He seems to know. - What an abomination! Why should this stranger dishonor me? I did not leave the window. You didn't leave? Didn't I forbid you to open the window? - Even on such a hot day? - I'll show you! Exchanging glances, or words, or even love letters! If ever I'm rich and Volpone decides to die you'll see, I'll have you guarded by eunuchs! I like to visit the dying. Yes... I have seen many, already. I am 85. Four brothers died before me, two sisters, friends, enemies... I'm still alive. I've seen more than one in the cradle, then the grave. I've buried them all. I knew him when he was fit and dashing. Well, now. How is he today? - Very bad. - Good. It's the end. - His pulse? - Imperceptible. - Good! His breathing? - Whistles like a pipe. - Good! Urine? - Red like old wine. Good, good. - And his tongue? - Hard, dry and thick. - Like a shoe. - Excellent! Is he cold or sweating? - Cold, like a cellar. - Then he won't last long. I know, myself. I've seen much already. The moment comes, when the air stops. - Ah yes? - Yes. Like a pump. Pump, pump! And then, he expires. The end! - Is his will done? - It is, yes. Volpone called in the notary today. - He wants to make a codicil. - A codicil? But why? He won't change my legacy? You showed me. 20,000 chequins to Corbaccio. He can't change what is written. He hasn't the strength. Let's approach. Volpone? - Well, now. - Alas. Volpone, sir, can you hear me? He can't hear. - Try. - No use, he's unconscious. Try again. Tell him it's his old friend Corbaccio. Volpone, sir. It is that old scoundrel Corbaccio. - Hush! - It is safe. He's come to see if you're dead, he's getting impatient! - Hush! Shut up! - You scared? Listen. Hey, Volpone! Scoundrel of the Levant! Have you finished poisoning Venice? Not dead yet? Running after girls! Swallowing money! Full of false boasts! So! I'll bury you too! Oh, you laughed at old Corbaccio. Often. Because he was old. Because he dressed poorly. He did not benefit from life. He will bury you anyway! He's too weak now to make a codicil. Who knows? He may get better. Look at the cup the notary brought for the codicil. - Corvino brought 300 sequins. - Ah? I'd beware, if I were you. You may think your legs strong, but... - A gift? I've nothing to give. - This ring? It's worth 1000 sequins. I paid almost 150. - No, too much. - But this will save you 20,000. No. I have another ring. I'll go look for it. It will look just as good to him. He can't see clearly. He may come to in the meantime. - I'll return the ring when he's dead. - When is the notary coming? - At any moment. - You'll take it off his finger... - ...as soon as he dies? - Upon his death, but not before. If I come back in time, we'll change it with another. - Yes. - Business is difficult. Is he gone? Shut the door. Mosca, now that we have earned our day let's drink to the health of these fools. OK, dear master. I'll call the musicians? And maybe bring some women? Colomba! For love God made you so beautiful. Colomba! For love your arms are so soft. Your eyes are gleaming stars. Your voice, sweet music. Night is nearly over. Life, alas, is brief. Colomba! For love God made you so beautiful. Colomba! Open your heart, don't lose a day. Hear the wise voice who calls you. Listen! Why worry... (curses) Tomorrow. - What do you have there? - Nothing, adjusting my garter. Hands off, I'll complain to your master. He will marry me. - No. - We love each other. - He's over 50 years old. - I like the old. - Not possible. - I'll be his wife. - You're after the inheritance. - They say he will die. - I doubt it. - You're marrying him for his wealth. That's not it. I used to think it was annoying to marry. To have only one man it gets boring. Now I'll try one. - Yes? - A little old. - Why not Volpone? - Yes. Also, my grandmother was an illegitimate child. So was my mother, and so am I. - I want a legitimate child. - That sounds legitimate. You see? I am reasonable. - You know the formalities? - Not very well. You need two witnesses, friends of Volpone's. Shall I name two? - Yes, Mosca. But who? - I suggest Corbaccio, the pawnbroker. - He's disgusting. - As a husband, but as a witness... - Corvino, the silk-merchant. - The husband of Colomba? Yes. I advise you to go see them this morning. - But don't mention me. - Thanks, I'll go. They were in bed overnight. - The old man is still alive. - Mosca's having fun. - He sips his wine, nibbles his food. - What is he playing at? - Congratulations on your marriage. - With whom? - Canina. - She thinks I'm generous. She doesn't want you for money. I would be proud to inspire such feelings. Come, let's drink. Nothing like this wine to give strength! - Never in the morning. - Keep me company. Mr. Voltore, your health. Don't worry about mine. Corbaccio, I'll live to be 100! What beautiful eyes your wife has, my dear Corvino. I have never felt so happy. - I like to see you like this. - A pity they can't see me. They haven't been punished enough. Don't worry about that scum. I will crush their bones, slowly. I'm not bad, Mosca. But I had to come here to discover the dregs of humanity. Scavengers! Mosca. 20 chequins. 20 chequins if you find me a punishment for Corbaccio and Corvino. Something serious. Mosca. - 30. - 30 chequins? That oils my imagination. Let me think. Suppose this. Corvino brings you his wife and she lies in your bed? He keeps her so jealously! - Would I earn my 30 gold pieces? - It's worth 50, but just a dream. - I don't pretend I'll succeed. - Corbaccio. In the state you were in, he feels sure to outlive you. He might make you his heir, to become yours. He'll disinherit his son, Captain Leone? Why not? Kiss me! Drink, and go at once. - Immediately? - You've aroused my blood with this story of Corvino. - You asked me to lunch. At your age, it digests fast. Go! My friends. The carnival starts tomorrow. Visitors are here. It is the right time. I have better things to do for now than rob the lords and boyars. - What? - I have secret thoughts. Excellency! I was just looking for you, Excellency. - What are you up to? - Burning a candle to our success. The candles don't count. Help yourself, and Heaven helps you. How is he? Much better. Impossible. Even better, extraordinary. He sat up in bed. And he asked to eat. That's not the worst. Do you know what he called for suddenly? - Guess. - I don't know. - A woman. - Impossible. It is dangerous. He may overdo it. - Bring him one. - Canina? - Yes. - You know her plans? - No. - She has designs. I think it's in your interest to keep her away from his bed. - Find him another one. - The merchant, your neighbor... - ...has offered his daughter. - His daughter? 19 years old. One of the 7 or 8 virgins of Venice. He has answered. He comes tonight. Don't let him come. The merchant has an idea in his head. He hopes to steal the inheritance in a jiffy. - We must get him out of there. - Yes, yes. I thought you would help me. You're the most interested. You understand? Do you think this place is suitable for this exchange? - God sees us everywhere. It's all the same. - Let's go out. Canina. Exactly... She must be going home. Hide your feelings, eh? It's important that we keep her confidence so we can continue to read her game. I must go to the Rialto, but I'll come back. This man sells his wife. The other will sell his son. They'd sell God if they had him. Money, money, money. In every house, all along the streets all over the city, all over the world. It makes them dance. Disgusting. - Mr Corvino? - Myself. What is it? Mr Corvino, I'm most embarrassed. Things can be said about me. - But I'm not a bad girl. - I'm listening. - If I marry Signore Volpone... - If you marry? ! Good idea. - Very good idea. - In that case, ...are you willing to be one of my witnesses at the marriage? One of the witnesses? Yes, my dear Canina! Let's talk it over. Will it be right away? No hurry, I've made up my mind. It will go smoothly. Come see me tomorrow. Do nothing without me. - You can count on me. - How can I thank you? If I can make you happy don't be shy. - Did you know? - What? - Canina plans to marry Volpone. - Yes. And Volpone accepted? If he can enjoy her without paying, why not? I thought he didn't want a courtesan. - He has other prey. - The merchant's daughter... - ...is no Canina. - That's what you think? She's just as dangerous. You must choose. I must speak to my wife. Come back later, I'm too upset. Well, you don't really need Volpone's riches it's too much money. Listen, Mosca. There are circumstances where duty comes first. - For brave souls. - Even if it costs us? - I admit that. - Mosca. It seems to me that my duty is not to abandon Volpone... - ...in his sinking hours. - Bravo, Corvino. Volpone is my friend. And not a stranger. My wife and I are always ready to help him. Naturally. Half an hour passes quickly. The dead don't talk. In short, in your place... I wouldn't hesitate. And I would find it less humiliating than if my wife frolics without my knowing. From the moment she obeys me, my honor is safe. - You think it's a good idea? - I don't see any other way. Listen! - Tell Volpone. - What? He will not find another friend like me. And it is my great affection for him that makes me consent. And that... And that... You'll be there tonight with Colomba. Good. Good. Is it this ring? - You find it pretty? - It's not ugly. Not bad. Warm, soft... Beautiful stone. Far East. An Indian diamond. I have bigger ones at home. Since you're a friend, 2000 chequins. 2000 chequins. Oh, but look at this chain. Solid gold! There is also a pendant. Take it out of its nest. It's as white as it is hot. - How lovely. - Isn't it beautiful? 3000 chequins. - Shall I return it? - Put it back in its hiding place. The poor thing. I don't need money yet, Corbaccio. But if you're a friend, you can help me. Listen, I want to marry Volpone. Marry Volpone? ! You're crazy! But he's dying, Volpone. He's already cold, Volpone. I want you... - ...to be my witness. - Me? ! Witness for what? His coffin? That the pulse has stopped beating? - That his breath is no more? - Witness for the marriage, Corbaccio. Witness for the burial, as you like. - Go! - Oh, Mr. Corbaccio. Go! So, goodbye, Mr. Corbaccio. I'm worried about Canina. You know her. When she gets involved, it will turn his head into wood. - What do you want me to do? - You must give Volpone such a proof of your friendship that it will push all others under the table. - Canina, Voltore... - It must cost me nothing. - Naturally. - Good, good. - Except 20 chequins for me. - You can have 10. Make a will, and make Volpone your sole heir. What do you mean? Disinherit my son? For half a day. Once Volpone dies, your son will be rich. - No, of course not. - So? - Well, let me think. - About what? It's a risky case. Oh, it's not a bad deal. I won't pay anything, but I'll do it. - Well, is that it? - I don't like it. - Why not? - It shows too much of my breasts. - It's fashionable. - Not to visit a dying man. Let me judge what is appropriate. - Look here... - Well? It's very pretty. Here, sit down. Come! I'll put a little perfume on you. Not that much. We're not going to the ball. Hurry up. I hope he's still alive. - I've lost! - Play again. - I am penniless. - Ask your father. - You won't get a cent from him. - Not even a fart when he dies! Can you give me 500 chequins, captain? Ah, there you are, scoundrel. You're Volpone's parasite, his spy. Has he given you the boot at last? Would you give me 500 chequins if I earned you 300,000? Why can't you earn them yourself? I'm a soldier, not a peasant. You can't swindle me. You can give me the 500 when you get the 300,000. Word of honor as a soldier? You're thinking up some hoax. Of course. If we could make lots of money honestly... ..there'd be no one left to farm the land. - Do you swear? 500 chequins? - 500, I swear. You want to get rid of someone? Just this. I'll tell you a secret. - But you must keep your bargain. - I swear. Good. Your father is the king of usurers. You think when he dies, you'll get his loot? - Who else? - Corbaccio has disinherited you. - He's with the notary now. - Disinherited me? ! The inheritance goes to someone else. - What villain has devised this? - I, your servant. But on behalf of my master. I'm a scoundrel and I've spilled the beans for 500 chequins. The old miser's disinherited me. For that, he'll go to hell! Come on. If you're lying to me, I'll run you through! Keep that pin for the Turks. No, no, I don't want to. Stop blubbering. What will people think? - Leaving me alone with a stranger. - No, he's a friend. Here is my wife Colomba, to watch over your sleep. Beautiful child. Sweet child. Stay, stay with me. Blessed Corvino, to have such a delightful woman. I'm a poor old dying man. How compassionate you are not to leave me during my agony. I'll stay with you. I'll nurse you. I'll take care of you. Don't mope. - Poor man, I pity him. - See, you needn't have worried. Don't be afraid if the fever agitates him a bit. - I'll come back. - And if he violates my honor? Don't worry, I'll defend it. - He will do nothing? - No. So to speak. - Farewell, dear friend. - Goodbye! - My wife will watch over you. - Yes... Give me your hand... It warms me. A beautiful hand... Warm, young blood. The warmth feels good. When my grandmother felt ill she put a rabbit on her legs. That relieved her. - Gently, gently. - Is he laughing at me? Volpone can hear you. Sit there. Your father is coming. Will you wait there? Be quiet. I'll be back. - I'll bring you a blanket. - No coverings! Give me your hand. Your hand... - Do you want me to get better? - But of course. - I will recite a prayer for you. - Do you really want... - ...me to be cured? - Yes. Then I'll heal. I know a charm. If a virtuous woman puts her hand on your heart... You place your hand on the heart. And repeat three times, "Be healed." The sick person rises. He is cured. - Where did you hear that? - In the Decameron or some other devotional book. Come, let's try. Say three times "Be healed, Volpone." Like this? "Be healed, Volpone." Two more times. "Be healed, Volpone. Be healed, Volpone." Oh, a miracle, Madonna! A miracle! I'm cured, you have healed me. Incredible! I'll run and tell Corvino. We'll tell him together. I feel so young I could dance. No, be careful not to catch cold. Not while you stay with me. Your soft hands warm me. Are these not strong arms? These lips... Are these not warm lips? What are you doing? ! Lie down, you're feverish again! Don't worry, my dove, I'm as tough as two porters. Let me go, please! You've healed me, you've resurrected me. - No, let me go! - I have risen! Let me go! Call for help if you like. I won't! Let me go! No one will hear you. Don't be stupid! You'll make me angry! Help! Ah ha! Scoundrel of the Levant! I'll teach you to sully the women of Venice and to rob their sons! To the gallows! To the gallows! Scoundrel! Ho, guards! Rape! This goat of the Levant has forced a Venetian sheep. Quick, guards! Rest, madame. And don't worry about anything. Quick, guards! Take him to the gallows! Have him whipped! What's this? You swore to remain quiet. I'll shout from the roofs of Venice. To the gallows! To the garrote! Tan his hide and gut him! He's dead! You've killed my fiance! If I was your fiance, I would attack the Indies! Lord be praised, he's alive. Alive, for the gallows! - You called? - Come! Gentlemen, this is a mere domestic quarrel, of no importance. We're sorry to disturb you for nothing. No, stay! Leone, Captain of the fleet. Volpone, the Levantine, tried to violate a Venetian lady. - I lodge a complaint against him. - At your orders, captain. You tried to assault this lady? Not her, she's worth five chequins. Corvino's wife. - I will testify. - Will you testify too? - No, I'm ashamed. - Well done! - Are you a witness? - I was at the other end of the palace. I need witnesses! And you, what did you see? Nothing! Are you still here? Come, let's go home quickly. Nobody move! The man on the floor is the Levantine. The woman who was raped is her. - So, off to the court. - But the witnesses? - All the rest of you. Onward! I'll hang him myself! He cajoled my father. To the gallows! Stop! Help! Help me! Proof! Who wants to see written evidence? To the gallows! Keep your shirt on, captain. The judge will see to that. You come, too. And the accused, get up. I saw nothing. Volpone can't walk. He can be carried! If you refuse, you'll be jailed. Make an effort. Things look nasty. I don't want to go. He tortured me. - Mosca, help me, dear Mosca! - A trial is but a card game. - With nimble hands, you win. - They'll question me! The strappado, I've seen it once. - Listen, Mosca. - What's this? Carry him along! Don't touch me, don't touch me! Mosca will help me. My servants will carry me. We'll follow you. Keep an eye on them. Don't make me come back! Let's go! What's this talk of an arrest an attempted rape? - Notary, save your money. Leone complained. Volpone will be hanged. - The hangman? - And all his money confiscated. Save me, illustrious notary. You know all the ways of justice. I'll make you my sole heir. While I'm alive, I'll give you half. But not the strappado! - What did Leone want? - To kill him. I'll explain later. - My life cut in half! - You can save him. Judges are hard to corrupt. But maybe with good arguments... Precisely. Don't say a word. Look half-dead. Like you'll die any moment. Here, a devil's drug that will turn your stomach and make you pale. Better a green throat than a gallows rope. - I'll ask for leeches. - You want to kill me? It's safer for you to be really ill. You see? Say your wife went to see Volpone out of pity... - ...without your permission. - But what of my honor? It's no dishonor in Venice. And swear that you received nothing from Volpone. He ruined me. I gave him my money, my jewelry. So you are a man of honor. If I tell the judge it was a joke Volpone will disinherit me. It'll cost me 3000 chequins. Don't worry, you have the inheritance. But back Volpone against your son or all is lost. - 3000 chequins. - Lost? No, I will speak. Lost? 3000 chequins? I'll never do business with a will again. - I'll go to the pawnshop. - A complicated case. We'll get to the bottom of this. Attempted rape of a married woman. Plaintiff: Leone, captain of the fleet. Have the witnesses arrived? Everyone is here, but I ask permission to speak for Volpone. He is ill and cannot defend his honor unjustly attacked by this knave. What knave? This maniac, in a fit of rage attacked him. My poor client, who was blameless received such blows he is now in the hands of doctors trying to revive him. His presence is necessary. Have him carried here. You have to pity him and if this madman had a remnant of humanity... - ...the sight would soften his heart. - How much did he pay you? What have you been paid? Silence! Make your report. Me and my men were watching the Cabaret to monitor suspicious individuals. Suddenly, there were cries of "Rape, rape!" It seemed very funny to us. It is rare to find a reluctant woman in Venice. We went in the house and found this gentleman Leone. He was lunging about with his sword. But as for actual rape, we saw nothing. Alas. There was just this lady. Colomba, wife of the merchant? She was crying. Perhaps because of what had happened or what this man did. I had to stop him. I threw him on the floor. He disgusted me! In fact, the man was fidgeting like a pig. Volpone, the victim of this drunkard. - And that one was there too prowling around. - Mosca, Venetian. - Occupation? Mackerel, hustler. The parasite, the fly feeding on Volpone's meat! The fork Volpone uses for scavenging through the garbage. Do not insult the witness. I am the guardian of my poor, ill master. And her... Canina. Profession? Nothing in particular. - Nothing in particular? ! - Shut up. They are all here. It was an uproar. So I decided to bring them all here. Thank you. The case seems confusing. Bring the accuser. The Captain is the accused. You accuse me, you old wig? You're insulting again. - He finds excuses in his wine. - Give your evidence, Leone. - I went to the Levantine's house. - At his invitation? I'd blush to be invited there. - I went secretly... - Let us record his confession. Silence, wig. What was I saying? I went secretly because that rogue... So there you see we're all scoundrels. He told me that my father had disinherited me. You hear how he talks about his father? - A father who disinherited his son! - There were good reasons. Hush, liar! I was confused. - I heard cries for help. - The illusion of drunkenness. - He already had her on the bed. - Imagine a dying man, forcing a lady. - So I went at him. - That is true. Colomba, can you confirm this story? Let me go home. I have forgiven him. I am ashamed. I beg Your Grace. I understand your discomfort. But justice requires your answer. Did he use violence? I don't know, sir. But then, who would know? I ask you again. Did he embrace you? Did he touch you indecently? No, it was I who touched him. I put my hand on his heart, and the miracle took place. What miracle? He was cured. She's feeble-minded. Explain yourself clearly. No, I am ashamed! I want to go home. Is there anything we can learn? Speak for your wife, Corvino. Tell us what happened. Please, your honor, I told her our dear friend Volpone was dying. She went to pray at his bedside, and I never left her. Liar! You dragged her there. - That man is full of wine! - And a treacherous slanderer! I swear by the banner of St. Mark! He brought her there! He's the most jealous man in Venice. Yes, he locks me in my room. The lie is proven. Who's lying? I'll cut off your ears! Captain Leone, for the last time! You do not respect the court! You are alone in your statements. Unless your father will testify? His father, whom he tried to kill? - Yes, he rushed at him. - He had proof of his wickedness. He disinherited me! His only son! Here, read. Allow me. There is a mistake. It was a trivial paper, given to my poor friend to make him believe he'd survive. A little white lie for a dying man. You old goat! Here he is, your honor: the seducer, the satyr! Look at those eyes, already faded by death. This withered hand, this pale face. Ah, my friend! My poor worthy friend! You struggle with death, while we fight for your honor. If you could only speak you would challenge these insults. But here you lie, inert! Inert? Your Excellency, may I touch him with the point of my knife? He'll dance like a bear. It'll be a miraculous recovery! Stop! Captain Leone! Put your knife away! There's still one witness: Canina. Don't be intimidated. I blush before all these men. Did Volpone act against your will? Against it! He treated me like a saint. A saint? A rogue! I ask you all, do any of you consider Volpone a dishonest man? - The best of masters. - My very good friend, perfectly solvent. A good man. If I lost him, I'd lose everything. So you see, slander collapses. But hurry, your excellency. His cheeks are frozen. Pass your sentence! Return his honor before he passes away. The court, considering that the charge brought against Volpone is based on the evidence of a witness who contradicts the others that the lady did not complain of ill treatment that her husband feels no suspicion that the disability of the accused makes the use of violence questionable and that all but one testify to Volpone's respectability hereby decides: the accused is declared innocent. As for you, Captain Leone. No longer bring such light charges against honest citizens who may seek redress. Ignoble, absolutely disgusting! It was I who lied? I, captain of the fleet? This judge supports these pirates? All because a captain of the fleet has no money! And only with money can you buy the judges of Venice! With money? You hear? He accuses you! I heard. Arrest this man. He will be tried for perjury and contempt of court. I, who defended you rabble against the Turks? The plague upon you and all your houses! Carry the patient carefully. We must preserve his health. Your honor is restored to you. It should heal quickly. A triumph for you and for me. I felt inspired. Give one look to your Canina. My friend Volpone, I'm here beside you. I did not leave. I hope you realize what I did for you. My friends, thank you. Tears come to my eyes. A glass of wine. Lies have parched my throat. I was a little tired. But I feel better. I've found myself. I've come back a new Volpone. You're clearly an honest man. There is a justice. The name of the heir is still left blank on the will. And you'll soon see your three friends: Corvino, Corbaccio, Voltore. - What do you think? - I'll play one last round. - Which one? - Listen to this, Mosca. - I'll make my will in your favor. - In my favor? Don't get excited. - You'll be my heir, as a joke. - That's how I took it. I'll write your name, and you send word out that I've died. An excellent joke. King Carnival will make its debut today in our good city. Weep, citizens of Venice. Mr. Volpone has died. His Majesty, King Carnival... A cup of solid silver. Is he dead? - A table of porphyry. - Is he dead? - Two crystal chandeliers. - Mosca, my brave Mosca. - Is he dead? - Look, I'm finishing the inventory. Give me the will. It is ready. Is he dead? Were you called as a notary for the will? - Will you be a witness? - Only a witness? So to speak. Is he dead? I knew he wouldn't last long. - The will! - Read it! We must wait for a court judge. Follow me, gentlemen. Mosca. What will become of me? Are you sure he's dead? A glance will convince you. You see? Inert, rigid. Can we revive him for five minutes so a priest can marry us? Anyone can make a mistake. Shall we take a candle and burn his feet? Or put a stake through his heart? Not that, not that. Respect the dead. You have called me to open the will? This is to avoid any dispute. Give it to me. We have four witnesses from Venice? Volpone's death is agreed on by these witnesses? We all agree. Then we can dispense with calling a doctor. Do you recognize this as Volpone's stamp? No dispute? "I, Volpone... "...thus distribute my property with this will. "In recognition of the friendship he has borne me... "...the affection he has given me... "...and wishing to repay his exceptional devotion ... " - Exceptional. - Exceptional, good friend. Silence, you. "...in a manner that is worthy... "I name as sole heir... "...and possessor of all my property: my friend Mosca." Mosca? ! How? Mosca! Mosca? That scoundrel? Mosca? Very good. Come here and let me kiss you, dear man. It's a fake! - Mosca falsified it! - It's forged! - I want my 2000 chequins! - The will is forged! It's of no value! I also protest! The beneficiary has committed fraud! I swear in the face of heaven Volpone told me I'd be his heir. - No! He told me that this morning. - The same promise to you both? One of you is not mistaken? - They are both wrong. - It is likely. He promised his inheritance to me. - I was his friend. - No, I was! - Who gave him presents? - Your gifts were nothing. I gave him 3000 chequins, plus a ring worth 1000 chequins! That's nothing for a usurer. I gave him my silver. You did nothing out of friendship. - Not out of friendship? ! Not out of friendship? ! I gave him everything! I disowned my son for him! I brought him my wife for his cure. My wife! Now it's become clear. You all confess similar charges. Justice has been fooled. Release Captain Leone from prison! - The only culprit here was Volpone. - That scoundrel, Volpone! I strongly agree. He was a scoundrel. Death saved the Levantine from the gallows. But not quite. You will hang the corpse from the gallows. The people of Venice shall see the fate of a crook. - I will dance before him. But my money? My 3000 chequins! - Will you allow me? - Be quick. Before he died, Volpone said, "Mosca, I am sorry." He admitted he'd harmed his friends. He chose me because I had served him without hesitation. Without lusting after his wealth. But Volpone will make amends. All that you gave him he asked me to return to you. - You're willing to do this? - Yes, your honor. You are a good man. A small request. I ask you to spare his body the shame of the gallows. - I'll toss it into the canal. - You're a good soul. It's a small grace. Throw him into the lagoon. But as far as possible. And me, Mosca? - And me? - I'll buy you a husband. I know a Spaniard with a name as long as the Grand Canal. - Your children will be noble. - Dear Mosca, you're a sweetheart. I invite you all to the funeral feast of the late Volpone. Bring some friends with you. There will be music and pretty women. I inherited Volpone's wealth. Not his bile. You're a good boy. So loyal. I've always said so. You can count on my sincere friendship. Mosca. You're a darling, I adore you. A carved sideboard. You played your part to perfection. What part? You've enjoyed your imaginary wealth; now it's time to sober up. My name is Mosca. But who are you? What? You look like the late Volpone, my master. What are you doing in my house? Your house? Everything here is mine. You're crazy enough to believe you're going to keep it? I'm pretty wasteful. There are so many parasites. Everything will be gone in 10 years. - I'll die laughing. - You die well but laugh badly. - Enough! Go to hell! - Ah, that tone displeases me. No longer speak like that to Signore Mosca. The only one leaving here is you, sir. Me? You thief! Do you want me to call the guards? Good idea. Call the guards. And the judge too. You will be hanged tonight. Call the guards. Shut up. You've got me! How much do you want? I want nothing. I have everything. It can't happen like this. Yes. "Have the corpse hung from the gallows." Do you think I should go? Volpone has an hour or two to disappear. The gallows. Really? I think I should go. I think for the newly risen Volpone to stay in Venice would be fatal. Give me the pearls. I'll leave tonight. My master taught me not to give anything. Then let me have half! Volpone never shared. The key. Let me at least take a coat. I'll give it to you. Goodbye, Volpone. Call the guests! Light the fires! Music! Open the doors and windows! Light! Air! This place smells of greed. Come in, come in. This calls for a drink. Long live Mosca! A toast! From now on, let no one speak to me of money! Dirty pigs. Expecting me to clear up this mess. Heh. Fourteen dollars a week. Poor devils. I don't suppose they'll get up today too. I don't know where to start in this place. Oh, well, I suppose I'd better get back to this. I'll get these cleaned up. [cracking] [DOORBELL buzzing] [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] They're both asleep. -They are? -A nice-looking place this is, isn't it? -Still a party? -Till dawn. They've made a madhouse of this apartment since they were married. Oh, but I have to know about Philadelphia. I'm going to see her. I've got to know. I've got know. She told the reporters she was going on with her career. Shh. Shh, shh. You're the husband. Guilty. Do you realize that Madam Kovak is due to play with the Philadelphia Symphony... -...on Tuesday? -Yes. The piano. Mr. Van Allen, your lawyer called three times. -He wants to see you. lt's important. -Thank you. -He called yesterday. -Why didn't you tell me? -l did. -You did? -You were saying something, sir? -l am madam's manager. She's due in Philadelphia, Tuesday. House is sold out. -l've got to know. -Well, you sit right down here now. I know little about madam's musical talent. I just married the lady. Oh, an artist like Madam Kovak should be married in a cathedral. A wedding of importance. Everything she does is of importance. Instead of which she runs away like a chorus girl. Yeah. lt was all very impulsive, wasn't it? -Would you like a drink? -No. -Cigarette? -No. Morning paper? Maybe a sedative to cool you off and quiet you down. -No. -Would you like a glass of milk? Well, what do you want? There's only one thing I want. Madam Kovak. I've got to see Madam Kovak and I'm going to wait until I do. Well, sleep tight. The house is yours. What's that--? What's that peculiar smell around here? Fresh air. I've just opened the window. Oh, yes. Skoal? -Hello, Jock. -Hello. -How's the lawyer? -How's the bridegroom? Oh. Not so good. Say, you could've told a friend, who's your lawyer, that you intended to marry Sandra. -You looked on the wine, I take it. -You may take it. I did. You haven't been out in daylight for a week. Well, there's something about that woman. There must be. She's a great pianist, a great beauty. But after all, marriage is a step. -lt's a leap. -ln the dark. Well, it's morning now. JOCK: Seriously, Pete. Are you going through with this? -Well, we're married. -That's just it. -What? -You're not. -What do you mean we're not married? -Sandra's divorce wasn't final. Well, don't be silly. She gave that party to celebrate her final divorce. -You climaxed the party by getting married. -That's what they told me when I woke up. Look, Pete, her divorce decree cannot be entered until next Tuesday. -The lady got her dates mixed. -You mean, we're not really married? Not unless you do it again. If you wanna go through with this thing, you'll have to marry her soberly and legally. Oh. It will all be arranged very simply for you to be married by a judge, if you want to. Come out and have lunch and we'll talk it over. Oh, no. No. Uh.... What I need is some nice, clean fresh air. I know where l can get it. -You'd better pull yourself together, Pete. -Don't worry. I will. Thanks very much. So long, Pete. Mr. Pete. Violet, Violet. What is it? It's Mr. Pete, flying down from the sky like an angel of the Lord. Hush your mouth. Don't go calling that man's name. He ain't coming here no more. He's on his honeymoon, he is. JEFFERSON: How are you, Mr. Pete? Hello, Jefferson. -Been raining? -Yes, sir. Been pouring down. -Where's Miss Maggie? -Violet's right in there. She's the one that knows about Miss Maggie's whereabouts. Man, did you see that old airplane come a-raring and a-snorting? Man, I sure did. [whistling] [DOGS barking] Hello, Violet. No use using that whistle, Mr. Pete. That sound belongs to the days that is gone. Where's Miss Maggie? Mr. Pete, if you take my advice, you'll get right back in that airplane and fly away like a bird right back where you come from. I've just arrived and I wanna see Miss Maggie. Where is she? Mr. Pete, if you take my advice, you'll get right back in that airplane and-- Now, nobody ain't gonna use no force, Mr. Pete. If your conscience don't keep you from going up, your good manners should. Just think, Mr. Pete. I have been thinking. The whole of the morning. We has had our thoughts too. And they ain't been very good company. maggie: Violet. Yes, Miss Maggie. Your name ain't Violet, Mr. Pete. [knocking ON DOOR] My goodness, honey child. Lay down before you catch more cold. is he drinking? What do you care if he's drinking or if he ain't? Tell him I'm busy and I've got a cold. [SNEEZES] -Are you taking your medicine? -Yes. I'm much better. I don't wanna see him anyway. That's what I told him but I'll tell him again. You go down and be nice and polite now. Tell him I've got a cold, that I'm busy and that I.... l can't see him, can I? No, Miss Maggie. You can't. Well? Why not? Don't ask me the reason why not. Just tell me the reason why. She's got a bad cold, Miss Maggie has. How did she catch it? Walking in the rain alone. Then coming home soaking wet and sitting down thinking and forgetting she's wet. Thinking so hard about someone or something. Oh, I see. We sees too, Mr. Pete. We sees the papers. It's a fine thing when you read news about your friends in the papers. Well, I'm sorry. Miss Maggie would never tell you, not till Judgment Day, what you done to her. But I knows and you knows, Mr. Pete, there's only one thing to do now and that's to go away and stay away, Mr. Pete. You get right back in that airplane and fly away. maggie: Pete. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? Oh, you got a cold. -Yes. -What are you taking for it? None of your business. -Well, how did you get it? -l got wet. You didn't have sense enough to come in out of the rain. -lf l had any sense. lf l had any sense-- -l wouldn't be in your life. No, you wouldn't. Just like this cold, a sneeze or two and you'd be gone. Your nose is pink. Your eyes are red. And violets are blue and sugar is sweet and I wish you'd go. I only asked you to come up because I didn't want you to think I was afraid to see you. Like a little child hiding in her room. Hey. -What? -Sit down. Look at that. Without your shoes on. -What are you doing here anyway? -l wanna talk to you. You wanna talk to me? You act as if nothing had happened. Well, among other things, l-- l'm thinking about going back into aviation. You know, there's a lot doing now. Hemisphere defense and all that stuff. -Whose idea is this? -Yours. Don't you remember? The day after New Year's. There was snow and we skated and-- Yeah, and I proposed. And I refused. Oh, Pete, let's not go into this all over again. You see, the unfortunate thing for me is that-- And I'm not whining. --it's been like this for four years. On and off and off and on. Well, there was only one thing I ever asked you. One thing I begged you to do. To be a sober, solid citizen. Well, sober anyway. But I guess the prospect was too dull for you. Well, now it's all over and I feel the way I did when they took the bands off my teeth. And I had those blasted things for four years too. Yeah, I know. Tell me honestly, is this marriage of yours going to help? If I thought it would, I'd be so for it. Well, you know Sandra. Yes, I do. You like her? I hate her. Oh, not because you're married to her, Pete, but you know. Well, I won't talk about her. The fact remains that whatever she was or is she is your wife and I can't discuss her. -Maggie, let me-- -Oh, Violet was right. You shouldn't have come and I shouldn't have seen you. I wonder what you think of me, really. You know what I think of you. You think of me as you would a nagging, haggling wife, and I'm not. I'm young. I like to drink and dance and go to parties like other people do? Every time I see you, I feel like your little old gray-haired mother with the roses over the door and the lamp in the window. Well, the lamp's out. That's not true. Anyway, I'm tired of being your.... Your haven. -Did your wife know you came down here? -No. Don't you think it would've been nicer if you'd told her? Yes, but she was asleep. Besides, I wanted some fresh air and I wanted to talk to you about something. Aviation. No, but.... Well, we all make blunders. Have you come behind her back in the first week to tell me that you've blundered? -No. -Then what did you come here to tell me? Oh. I don't know. I'm sorry. [knocking ON DOOR] Come in. Excuse me, Miss Maggie, I just had to come up. -Mr. Pete, you is bad for us around here. -Violet. Your lady wife must be waiting for you now. I'm sure your intentions are of the best, but this is a personal matter. There's nothing personal between Maggie that ain't personal with me. -Why, since she's that big, I've always-- -Violet, please. Pete, you'd better go. Perhaps I'd better. I did tell you about that aviation thing, didn't I? -Yes. Goodbye. -Goodbye. Sorry, Violet. [violet sobbing] maggie: Please, Violet. Stop, please. [piano playing ON recording] -Are you still here? -Yes. Did you see her? No, and I'm not leaving till I do. She sent word she would wait till you got back and then talk it over with you. It's a crime. Those are her new records out today. The woman's a sensation. And this concert waiting for her with the Philadelphia Symphony. How would you like a little drink? Cigarette? Glass of milk? No, I want Madam Kovak. -Oh, that's where l came in. SANDRA: No. -What's that? -Oh, that's been going on for a long time. SANDRA: No. -What's the matter? -You opened the window this morning and I caught cold in my shoulder. Do I get a kiss or don't I? [WlNCES] We've been talking and he agrees with me. That's nice. SANDRA: About going on with my work. After all these years of working, it'd be silly to give it up. Of course, he's right. My name is Peter Van Allen. Oh, I'm so sorry, darling. Oh! Get out. You hurt. Pardon, madam. This is Worthington James. Oscar. Well, how do you do? How do you do? Oh, Petie, ring the bell. I don't think I've ever had such a headache in my life. Pay that little man. I think he's made it worse. Bertha. [SPEAKS in FRENCH] Bertha, I want a cup of black coffee with brandy in it. Do you think that'd be best? Would you like one? -No, dear. -No? No. Worthy James waited to meet you. He's one of my oldest and best friends. He gave me the money for my first real piano lessons here in New York with Vannez. How old was I then, Worthy? Too young. [LAUGHS] How do you like my Pete now that you've seen him? Very good. Go get a drink, Petie. You look sad. You failed me. I expected you to come in with something to say. Something amusing. He's a gay lad, really. I'm sure of it. Oh, Pete, go and tell poor old Joshua I'll call him up in an hour. I want to talk to you first. Go along now. WORTHY: Well, I must be hopping. SANDRA: Oh, don't hop yet, Worthy. Stick around a bit. -Would you like cheese or some port? -No. -What about Philadelphia? -She'll call you in an hour. -l guarantee it. -Thanks. I'll be at home waiting. -l'll show you out. -No, don't bother. [music STOPS] -Goodbye, old man. -Goodbye. SANDRA: Bertha. Come here. Take this tray away. I hate the smell of food. -Don't look like that. Are you angry? -No. Worthy James has been like a father to me. Oh, why, I haven't a jealous emotion in me. I could take that two ways. Where were you today? You didn't even call. Oh, I went down to see my good lawyer, Jock then I flew down to Maryland. -Whatever for? -Fresh air. -Did you get it? -What? The air. Well, what would you like to do? Do you feel like kissing me? Oh, Pete. You've got to be patient with me, Pete. I've been a bachelor so long. So have you, for that matter. I should have been a dutiful wife and whipped up a little home dinner for you today. You know, one of the most attractive things about you to me has always been that you understood women. Now, you're going to try and understand me, aren't you? I wonder if you could ease up on this party life of yours. You know, come away someplace quietly. Some golf and some walks and some fresh air. Golf? Walks? Me? Pete, this is a side of you I've never seen. By the way, I haven't told you. We'll have to do it again. -What? -Get married. -Are you kidding? -No. I'll have to propose and you'll have to say yes and then we can be married again. That's what Jock wanted to see me about today. But I don't see what was wrong. Well, it seems your divorce from Mr. Stokes will not be final until next Tuesday. Ridiculous. It was final when I married you. I'm afraid you're mistaken. The decree can't be entered until next Tuesday. -You had your dates mixed. -Dates bore me. Then we're not actually married. That's it. Did you tell someone in Maryland all this? She must have been very amused. And if there's one thing I adore, it's being laughed at. And by a woman. Of course I haven't told anyone. Well, are you gonna propose to me again? I think we should sit down and talk this thing out and see where we're going. Then we can be married next Tuesday. -l'll be playing in Philadelphia. -Put it off. is there a doubt in your mind that we could make a go of this? Well, I'm asking you to marry me. You were much more amusing the first time. I'm sober now. Well, suppose you go out and get yourself into another mood? All right. Pete. When are you coming back? -Next Tuesday. -l'll be in Philadelphia. That's the day we're going to be married. I have asked you to marry me on Tuesday. I've already told you I won't be here. Then don't go to Philadelphia. [piano playing] -ls that Miss Kovak's room? -ln there, ma'am. [audience applauding] MAN 1 : Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. -Here you are. -lt's so warm. I'll get your wrap. You were magnificent. MAN 2: Bravo. Bravo. -Hello. How are you? pine: Oh, darling, you were never better. -Darling. SANDRA: How are you? Let's have some food. I've never known you when you played so magnificently. Sweet of you to come. I'd have come to you, but I'm catching the New York plane. What happened to that young man you ran away with? -What? Oh, hello. Come in. -Oh, hello. He's still running. I've only paused for breath. If that's Peter Van Allen l know, don't let him get out of your sight. You might have let us know. We were in New York. Well, I'm afraid that party was a little wild, even for you and Harry. Excuse me just a moment. -Hello, Maggie. -Hello. -Weren't you out front at all? -No, I just got in at 1 0:1 5. Oh, and you came right back to see me. How sweet. Where's Pete? -ln New York. -Oh. Did you come to see him? I came to see you both. I thought he'd be here, naturally. How did you know I was playing here? -Called your apartment in New York. -Was Pete there? No, there wasn't any answer so I talked to the porter downstairs. Oh. -You see, I was calling from Washington. -Oh. Well, would you like me to give a message to Pete for you? Yes. Let's go into my dressing room for a moment. Sit down, Maggie. -Cigarette? -No, thank you. I've just had one. Sweating like a stoker. Well, don't catch cold. I'm just over one. -May I bring you anything? maggie: No, thank you. Pete left the window open while I was in bed and I caught cold in my shoulder. I didn't play very well tonight. I'm sure he did it on purpose. One thing, there's never a dull moment with Pete. Tell me, did you find him stubborn? When? Well, you were engaged to him twice, weren't you? Yes. You're looking very well under the circumstances. What circumstances? You said you had a cold. Oh, yes, but I said I was over it. The cold? Definitely. Good for you. Now, what is it you want me to tell Pete? It's an idea I've had for him for a long time. If you write it, I promise not to open the letter if you mark it "Personal from Maggie." I went to Washington to see my Uncle Ted. After Pete told me he was going to offer himself to the government. What for? Income tax? Aviation. Didn't he tell you his plans? Not about flying for the government, no. No, I'm going to keep Pete on the ground. What is this scheme? Pete is an expert at maps and navigation. He was made a Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society in England. Oh, he has a natural instinct for it. And that coupled with his flying makes him the kind of man the government's gonna need. Uncle Ted said all he'd have to do would be to apply for a job. Well, that's very kind of you, Maggie. But I like Pete where he is and as he is. Well, he's your husband. Yes, he is. Supposing you go. I came.... -lt was just a thought. -Oh, and a very sweet one. If I didn't think you meant so well, I'd feel like slapping your face. On that one point, Sandra, we deeply understand each other. -Don't miss your little train, Maggie. -l won't. I want to make a party-to-party call. What? Person-to-person call then. Mr. Peter Van Allen. V-A-N A-L-L-E-N. ln New York. Gramercy, 550264. If he's not there, try the Racquet Club. If he's not there, try the Yale Club. Find him. His wife, Mrs. Van Allen, is calling. Hurry it up. -Jefferson, whose car is that? -Mr. Pete's. -When did he come? -This morning. Why didn't you tell me? Violet promised me she'd sweep him out of the house with the trash while I was getting you from the station. But why didn't you tell me? Well, we wasn't gonna say anything if Violet done got him cleared out. You done had all the botheration you can stand. I heard a roar like thunder and in come this machine a-flying through the gate. It done tore down part of the gate. Slammed on the brakes and might've thrown itself through the window. violet: Miss Maggie. -Yes? We tried every means at our disposal outside of witchcraft, to get him out of the house. But he wasn't in no moving mood. maggie: I do think you have your nerve. -Now, hold your horses. I will not. This isn't a roadhouse that you can drop in and out of. I don't want you here. Go to your wife. -Don't be a fool. -Don't touch me. Let's not brawl. At least listen to what I have to say. Supposing you go. A prisoner has a chance to speak before he's sentenced. -You sound like a book, a cheap one. -l thought the line was a good simile for me. All right, laugh. Supposing I admit I haven't had a particularly happy time lately. It's been a shock. I did love you more than anything else in the world and it does hurt. Now, what could you say that would alter that? What? Do you suppose I'd come here if I didn't have something to say? -Definitely bearing on what you've just said. -No, but what about your wife? Sandra? Well, Sandra was not properly divorced from my predecessor, Mr. Stokes when it was thought that we were married. The necessity for a second marriage ceremony was explained to me by my lawyer, Jock Thompson, last Wednesday when I came here to see you. But you didn't tell me that. I should liked to have told you, but I had a clear duty ahead of me. I returned and explained the situation to Sandra. I asked her to marry me when her divorce papers were final. That was yesterday, Tuesday. But she preferred to go to Philadelphia and perform on her piano. So I waited in New York until midnight. And then by every stroke of my conscience, I was free. So I came down here to tell you about it. I've always told you everything about myself, haven't I? Give me a cigarette. Oh. I've got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. [LAUGHS] This room is full of ghosts. I haven't been in this part of the house in years. Yes, you know, we're going to have to do something about this room. Violet lunch. Ham, cakes, honey and coffee. violet: Jefferson. -Jefferson. Jefferson. JEFFERSON: Ho. You go right out and get that peanut-fed hickory-smoked, sweet Virginia ham. JEFFERSON: You ain't gonna feed that man, is you? Listen, Jefferson. I'd feed the devil himself if he'd polish up the smile on Miss Maggie's face like that. Violet, you better practice ducking. Ducking, what for? When that high-toned New York lady what he done married... There's gonna be shooting here and shooting there. No dog's gonna be safe. I ain't gonna have nothing to do with it myself. [LAUGHS] I ain't worried now. [singing "SLUMBER MY darling"] [CHORUS singing "SLUMBER MY darling"] Steady, Jefferson, here we go. I'm steadying. Nice music. Yes. Must be something very special going on around here. Oh, yes. Yes, a wedding. -Oh, friends of yours? -Mm-hm. I've known them both for years. Personally, I'm glad the suspense is over. They've been messing about at getting married ever since I can remember. -Fools. -Yes. Was it a nice wedding? The usual thing: "Do you? I do." Kiss the bride. Have some cake. -That's a good idea. -What? Kiss the bride. Why do I love you? Because I am so beautiful. You know, you are a funny-looking little thing. -What? -But I do like your face. And that crooked little tooth when you smile. -And your hair. -What's the matter with my hair? That cowlick. You couldn't even fix it for your wedding, could you? Ouch! I can hear your heart. It's beating so fast. Don't be silly. That's my watch. It's still beating. Well, it's getting late. I really should be on my way, you know. Dear. So should I. I'm on my honeymoon. So you are. Yes. -Having a lovely time? -Lovely, so far. All right. -Maggie. -What? You've shrunk. Oh, I forgot. Maggie Patterson, are you still doing that? -Well, they hurt. -Well, then sit down. Do you remember the first time I met you? Mm-hm. At a football game. Yes, you had lost your shoes. And you had to carry me out. Yup. And when you clutched me around the neck, I said: "Pete, old boy, you're hooked." And Pete, old boy, you are. [BO Y singing "SLUMBER MY darling"] maggie: Pete. Pete, no. All right, I won't argue with you. You can make the house white. -The trees white, the dogs white. -l'll paint you white if-- Darling, now listen. Mr. Talbot's waiting. He's a very busy man. I think we should start in this room in here, don't you? You know, Papa preferred this room to his own study. TALBOT: Well, we can redo the ceiling. That was his chair. He even let the dogs sit here. And lots of mint juleps if I remember. -Oh, yes, nice big ones. -He was a tough old gentleman, your father. -Yes, he was. -Yeah. maggie: And I can be tough too. -What about, for instance? -About you. -Oh, I don't believe-- maggie: Oh, Pete, stop it. Here's Violet. [laughing] What's this, Violet? A letter for Mrs. Van Allen. I signed for it. Washington. Anything bad? He has to go to Washington at once. And you just married five days? I'd just let that letter blow away in the wind. PETE: Violet. -Yes, Mr. Pete? -Take off the covers in the other room. -Yes, sir. -How about curtains? -Curtains? I think some nice bright chintz. You know, brighten the whole room up. Hey that letter for me? Oh, no. lt's for me, from Uncle Ted. Oh. -Venetian blinds? -Huh? -Venetian blinds? -Oh, Venetian blinds? Yeah. Well, why don't you just--? You're an expert, you know? You do the whole thing and let me know tomorrow. -All right. -Thank you. Hey. Talbot's gonna take a look around and bring some estimates tomorrow. What's the matter with you? Nothing. Oh, yes, there is. -Anything in that letter? -No. -Let me see it. -No, I won't let you. You will let me see because I'll get it anyway. Give me that. All right. I would have had to tell you anyway. It's from Washington and they want you to leave at once. Really? Let me see it. Uncle Ted says, "lf Peter is serious I strongly advise that he lose no time in coming here." Then he goes on to say that Aunt Ada is in New York now and-- l have an idea. You fly to Washington. And I'll go on to New York, stay with Aunt Ada. You see your man in Washington, come to New York and we'll have a spree. -What do you say? -Why, that's great. You were going to lie to me. You were gonna hold out on me. With those innocent little eyes of yours. Darling, I know you must go, but I hate it. Now, now. We made a bargain, didn't we? Maggie, you smell of hay and horses and sunshine. Gee, what lovely kids you're going to have. Yes, hello. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, I understand. Oh, operator, when the long-distance call comes through for Mrs. Van Allen she's in the Palm Lounge. Mr. James. Hey, Emile. [speaking in FRENCH] Where is Mrs. Van Allen? Oh, Mrs. Van Allen? Oh, yes, madam. She's there. Say, where are you going, dear? It's Maggie. I must congratulate her. Order me a double. Hello, Sandra. Congratulations. Thank you. Where is Pete? Washington. -So you did get him into the air. -Yes. Maggie, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm going to get him back. Pete's married to me now, Sandra. There wasn't any flaw in that ceremony, was there, Maggie? You'd see to that, wouldn't you? Do we have to go on with this? I've canceled my Australian tour. Really? Maggie, I'm going to have a baby. -Pete's? -Yes. But you wouldn't. You couldn't. -You're wrong, Maggie. I can and I will. MAN: Mrs. Van Allen, please. -Yes. MAN: Your long-distance call, ma'am. Thank you. Hello. -Hello. -Hello, darling. I'm talking from your Uncle Ted's house. Hello, darling. Hold on, will you? I'll go upstairs. No, there isn't time. I said, I haven't time. I'm leaving on a trip immediately. -Well, yes, dear, I know it's a shock but-- -Well, I'm down in the bar. I can't hear anything. Let me go upstairs, will you? What? You did? How long? -Well, that's very quick, isn't it? -lt was sheer luck. You had the right hunch. If I'd been a day later, I'd have missed it. Your Uncle Ted will explain everything to you. Yes, he wants you to come back here with your Aunt Ada. And stay here until I return. Well, do you know for how long? Oh, you don't? I see. Tell him I'm with you. Well.... Well, darling, goodbye and take good care of yourself. Goodbye, my darling. There's a kiss. Did you hear it? Well, send one back. Aren't you pleased? Oh, yes, of course I'm pleased. Goodbye, Pete. Goodbye. Pete going away? You're going to lose him, Maggie. I'm going to get him back. Time will take care of that. I told you I'm going to have a child. You're lying. Time will take care of that. Ask Mrs. Greenfield if she will come into the study. Yes, sir. The senator said he would like to see you in the study, ma'am. -What for? Who's with him? -Colonel Harriston. Colonel Harriston. I'd love to meet him, Aunt Ada. You will, dear. We'll have him in to tea. What is it? Oh, how do you do, Colonel Harriston? Mrs. Greenfield. The plane's missing. Peter Van Allen? Oh, that poor girl. -Maggie. maggie: Yes. ADA: Come here, dear. maggie: Yes, Aunt Ada. ADA: Come into the study. Hello, uncle. This is Colonel Harriston. -Not the Colonel Harriston? -Mrs. Van Allen. How do you do? Maggie, we've had some news about Pete and his party. It's not altogether hopeless but.... Colonel. They've been missing for 24 hours over the Brazilian jungle. Brazilian jungle? Missing? Yes. The terrain is a little difficult. It takes some time to get a searching party and their planes back over there. It's very rough, and none of them have been able to make a landing yet. And the weather wasn't any too good. They were on their way back. Actually, they were due last night. Of course, we don't know. I wouldn't say that it was hopeless but.... Did you say you had sent a searching party out for him? Yes. As far as we know, the only point they could land is 40 miles from where they last heard from the plane. The country's very thick and it may take a little time. Yes, I see. But they're all experienced men. Brady, who's with them, knows the country as well as it's possible to know it. I'm very sorry, Mrs. Van Allen. Oh, thank you. It's not hopeless. [knocking ON DOOR] Mr. and Mrs. Latan and Madam and Miss Rosinni are in the drawing room. Very well. I suppose this is still secret. HARRlSTON: Yes, I was going to point that out. Oh, I understand. Come, darling. -Doesn't look very good, does it? -No, it doesn't. [BELL rings] violet: Jefferson. You go up and see what Miss Maggie wants. I just can't stand to look at her face. Who is that gentleman upstairs with Miss Maggie? That gentleman is from New York. That's Mr. Pete's lawyer, that is. It's so hard to believe so hard to understand. I know, Maggie, but you've got to think of yourself, some sleep, some food. What for? There's nothing. I really don't care. There's nothing. All these weeks he's been missing, I've kept hearing him come over here with that silly little plane and his signal going, brup, brup, brup. -l really heard him this morning. -What? Of course it was only Jefferson and his lawn mower. There was no one else like him alive. Do you remember those ridiculous sketches and that silly old whistle and...? -But you know him very well, didn't you? -Oh, yes. School, college, his lawyer. I knew Pete. -You've got to forgive me. -Oh, of course, my dear. [knocking ON DOOR] maggie: Oh, yes. Jefferson, um, Mr. Thompson will stay for lunch. -Yes, Miss Maggie. -Will you have a drink? If you'll have one, it might be good. -Bring Mr. Thompson a mint julep, will you? -Yes. And, Jefferson, don't you and Violet go around looking like that. Mr. Pete's just gone, that's all. Yes'm, just gone. Yes, Miss Maggie. Nice people. Oh, yes. They both loved Pete very much. Everyone did. Oh, by the way, Sandra called me at 4:00 this morning. Somebody saw it in the early editions and called her. She's out of her mind. is she? There is a satisfaction in knowing when he went out... -...he was doing something worthwhile. -Oh, I know, I've thought of that. I've thought of everything that would make it easier. -But, you see, I made him do it. -He was a very happy man, Maggie. He was very happy to go on that trip. He called me from Washington the day he left. He called himself "the big family man." He wanted children. Yes, I know he did. That would have been something, wouldn't it? What? Something of his. To live on. -Yes. -Oh, if I could only scream or something. Maggie. Maggie. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. This.... This letter registered special came from Sandra. -For you? -No, it's for Pete. Oh, well, I'll send it back to her. It seems like a very long letter. I think I'll go to New York with you. I was going to suggest you didn't stay down here alone. Yes. -Jock, let's leave right away. -All right. I'll hurry. [DOORBELL BUZZES] [DOOR OPENS] Miss Kovak? She's not at home. May I wait? It won't do any good. Could I leave her a note? Well, you may. Have you a piece of paper and pencil? Yes, miss. Thank you. Who was it, Bertha? I must speak to you. Were you lying when you told me you might be going to have a child? Pete's child? Does that matter now? If it's true, it does. It happens not to be true. Then you were lying. Yes. Sandra, do you remember telling me sarcastically in Philadelphia if I wished to leave Pete a letter marked "personal," he'd receive it unopened? Here's a letter from you to Pete marked "personal." In that you tell him you're going to have a child, don't you? Yes, yes, yes. Sandra, be honest with yourself. You only wanted that child when you thought you could get Pete back, didn't you? Now he's dead. I came here to ask you for that child. -What? -l was married to Pete. I could give him Pete's name. I could give him everything that Pete could have given him, had he lived. Sandra, why shouldn't you hate me? It's the same old story, isn't it? We both loved the same man. So you admit that, do you? Of course I must admit it. I do believe there's one true thing about you, Sandra. And that's your feeling for Pete. You know, I can't think of him as gone. How he loved life. He left us two things in this world. I have his money, you might have his child. You're extravagant, you're a woman of the world, a public figure. Your piano, your success, they won't go on forever. None of us gets younger. Let me ensure your future and you ensure mine. -Your future? -His child. That could be my future. And I'd make you secure financially always. -Money. -Yes. That's so completely mad. Oh, think, Sandra. Oh, no, I couldn't do it now. It's different. I'd be alone. I'd be afraid. But you needn't be. I won't leave you for an instant. You? Sandra... -... let's call a truce. -A what? A truce until it's over. -You haven't told anyone else? -Of course not. We'll go away secretly. You say no one knows, no one else will know. Don't worry about anything. Leave the arrangements, everything to me. [piano music PLAYS ON RECORD PLAYER] Hello. Oh, I'll do that. Here's the latest issue of Fashion. The smell of cooking is making me sick. Boiled vegetables. And chicken. You can't have steak every day. [music STOPS] There. That's better. You won't strain your eyes. Oh, I brought you something. -What is it? -Open it and see. Sadie? Here's some more apples. She's raising a rumpus about the stew. I know, but she can't have steak every day. I ordered them from New York. Piano and orchestra. Here, let me play them for you. Whatever gave you the idea that he's a pianist? He's a fake. Sorry. I guess I don't know much about music. Well, here are your things. Cologne, talc, bath salts, lilac. Couldn't get gardenia. Vitamin B tablets. What's in the big box? Oh, things that we'll need later. What things? Stuff the doctor ordered. Oh, I got you something else too. You like color, Sandra, look. Isn't that pretty? Lovely. Suppose you wear it. Did you bring my sleeping tablets? -No. -Forget them? -No. -Well, why? Well, I asked the doctor. -What did he say? -He said no. You couldn't have told him how badly I was sleeping. I told him how badly I was. It amounted to the same thing. I don't ask you sit up nights with me. Oh, I know you don't. I have to keep my eyes on you. Hey, how many? My third since lunch. Three, four, five, six, seven. This pack holds 20. All right, all right, all right. I smoked 1 2 cigarettes since lunch. If you really wanna know, I had six this morning. -l knew that. -Spying on me. -l have to. -Why? Because you're such a liar. -You smoke your head off. -Oh, sure, but that's me. I'm not special. What do you want me to do, sit here and go crazy? Why don't you take a walk? Oh, it's too cold. Wear your fur coat. That's a good idea. I'll wear my new mink cape. There might be a photographer from Fashion waiting to snap me as I step over a cactus. [windows rattling] [DOOR banging] Sandra. Ham, onions, butter everything the doctor said you couldn't have. What have you got behind your back? Come on. Hand it over. Pickles. Oh, Sandra. Yes, pickles. I like them. -l know you do. -l want them. I'm sick and tired of doing without things I want. You and that doctor with your crazy ideas of what I can and what I can't eat. You're starving me. But you've kept very well on this diet. You know you have. And it's not for much longer. And left alone, how you eat. That's the way I'm made. I'm not one of you anemic creatures who can get nourishment from a lettuce leaf. I'm a musician. I'm an artist. I have zest in appetite and I like food. I've been lying awake thinking about food and now I'm gonna have it-- Sandra, Sandra, sit down. I'll make you a sandwich. But no pickles. No onions? A very thin slice. [wind whistling] Whoever heard of an ounce of brandy? The doctor said, as long as you were used to brandy, you could have an ounce a day. But no more. Come on, Sandra, play. Just because you don't drink. Oh, I do, I love a drink. I haven't had any up here... -...because you weren't allowed it. -That's very kind of you. I suppose you think I'm a chronic alcoholic. Oh, Sandra, I don't. This will probably turn into a cyclone, one of those tornadoes you read about in the newspapers, and blow us all away. I wish it would. [coughing] Oh. I'm stifling. Well, let's.... Let's play over here. Come on, Sandra. We've got time for one more game. The wind is driving me mad. Can't you do something about that lamp? It's a pity you couldn't have found a place with electric light. Well, I could have. I'd have also found newspaper reporters. If you want privacy, you have to pay for it. Why don't you tell me I've smoked enough? Well, if it will take your mind off the weather.... That's right, be patient with me. I'm a spoiled child, an imbecile, to be humored. Maggie, the martyr. You make me sick. As for keeping my mind off weather, who brought me here? -Come on, Sandra. Let's play. -You brought me here and I've had enough. I'm fed up with the whole business. I'm going to get out of here. Sandra. No, you can't keep me here and I won't stay. I won't stay. Don't go like this. lt's not good for you. I'm going to the garage and start that car and get out. Be careful with that lamp, you'll set the house on fire. Oh, I will? That will be fine. -That will settle everything. -Sandra. [screaming] You burned me. You burned me. [SCREAMS] No. No. Sandra, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I'm sorry. Come on. Maggie. Maggie. Isn't that doctor here yet? He should be any minute. Ed left an hour ago. I never thought I'd be doing this with some hick doctor taking care of me. He's not a hick doctor. Oh, no, he's a Park Avenue specialist. That's why he's in Arizona delivering babies at a nickel a bunch. You know very well why. He could easily be a Park Avenue specialist if he wanted to. That's what he says. Now, look, Sandra, I know you're uncomfortable. But don't worry about Dr. Ferguson. I know about him, that's why I took this place. He's had a brilliant record at Johns Hopkins. Oh, I suppose he knows his job. I wish he'd get here. You smoke a lot, don't you? Yes. Sadie, don't leave her alone for a minute. -So you never had a child of your own, huh? -No. Mm. A pity. Just the sort of woman that should have them. -Oh, well, you'll have plenty of time. -l suppose so. DOCTOR: It spells life with capital letters. A woman without a child is like a man without an arm. The right arm. Tragic, the father dying before the child was born. Did you know the father? Yes. What sort of man was he? Oh, he was handsome and clever and gay. -Will you have some coffee? -Yeah. sadie: Doctor? Do you know what I miss here tonight? I miss the father standing around getting in everybody's way. Waiting for me to say: "Well, old man, it's all over and they're doing nicely." sadie: Doctor? All right. [BABY crying] There he is, safe and sound. Pete. Oh, Pete, my darling. [audience applauding] MAN: Bravo. Now, here, you see, is the river. The Amazon. -And down here is Manaos. -Manaos. The nearest point which they could be brought. Up here, this section here. That's all jungle. lt's almost impassable. But where were they heard of? Here? Oh, I can't tell you that. All I know is that the searching party left Manaos yesterday by canoe. They must have had something to go on. Of course, it's just the vaguest chance. What are you up to? Hello, Colonel Harriston. I didn't now that you were here. You're always whispering. Want your coffee here? -Come here, darling. -What? Harriston has come over to tell me there's a faint chance of at least two of those men being alive down here in Brazil. Do you mean Pete? Well, they have rumors of whites living with natives up here. Miles away from anywhere. -You mean Peter Van Allen? -Possibly. We don't know that. There's a rescue party going in to see. Then I must telephone to Maggie at once, but I don't know where to get her. Last I heard was a post card months ago from, I think, the Grand Canyon. Something about Old Faithful. I wouldn't say a word. Remember the suspense when they were lost? -l'll never forget it, nor Maggie's face. -We don't want that. After all, it's just a chance. No, I think you're quite right. I shan't say a word. Oh, Ted. Do you realize it's months since we've heard from that girl? All the better. Save us some awkward moments while we're waiting. ADA: Yeah. You're not going, colonel. -l'm afraid I must. -l wanna follow this thing through. ADA: Oh, well, I'm sorry. Anyone would think you hadn't been fed for a month. Here, Mabel, greedy. Give your sister a chance. Now, that's all for today. It's Petie's feeding time, Miss Maggie. We're coming. Come on, Petie, going in to lunch. Come on. Come on. There we go. Pete, now we'll have a little lunch. Yes, we will. Now we're gonna have our lunch. Come on. Come on, darling. violet: I got his lunch all ready for him. -We know. You know, I was thinking, Violet, Mr. Pete went to college at Yale. I suppose he'd like Young Pete to go there too. Yes, Miss Maggie. Shall I go up and pack his things now or would in the morning be soon enough? Oh, Violet. He sure going to look mighty funny up at that Yale college without any teeth. I am silly. Now you're talking sense. Straining your eyes to appear 20 years ahead. What you going to be doing in the meantime? Bringing up this young gent. You is young, Miss Maggie, and your little boy needs a pappy. And you, Miss Maggie, you ain't hardly had no marriage at all. Nope. No other man for me. You're the man of the family now, aren't you, Pete? -We mustn't spoil him, Violet. -No, ma'am. [CAR HORN honking] What's that? Oh, Pete, you're getting bigger every single day. It looks like your Aunt Ada's automobile coming through the gate. Really? Well, I didn't know she was coming. -Here, you'd better take Pete and feed him. -Yes'm. -Aunt Ada will probably stay for lunch. -Yes'm. [PHONE ringing] -Violet, there's the telephone. Answer it. -Yes'm. Violet will lay you down here. I is a-coming, telephone. maggie: Hello there. What a surprise. Where did you spring from? Washington. I came like the wind. How are you, Maggie? maggie: Never felt better. ADA: I want to talk to you. maggie: Come on in then. [BABY crying] -ls that your baby crying? -Oh, yes. Violet's with him. Darling, let me have your things. Maggie, I hardly know how to begin. -But you're trembling. What is it? violet: Miss Maggie. -Miss Maggie. maggie: Yes, what's the matter? You're wanted on the telephone. It's a telegram. I just couldn't write it down. You better go. All right. Excuse me, Auntie. Violet I came down to be with her when she got the news. -lt is a telegram? -Yes'm. Just like the grave opened up and spoke. [BABY crying] Quiet, Young Pete. Hello. Yes? Yes, this is Mrs. Van Allen. Go ahead. From where? -Signed Pete? -Ted was down in a place called Manaos-- Oh, but- - Darling. Shh, shh. What? Go ahead. Yes? "Could not wait telephone connection." Yes. "On my way"? -Your uncle telephoned me this morning-- -Auntie Addy, please? Go ahead. Yes? "Arrive Cartersville." Yes. "About midnight Thursday." "Love, Pete." Oh, thank you. Arriving Cartersville about midnight Thursday? -Pete and another man were found. -Why didn't you tell me? -When did you first hear? -About six weeks ago. Harriston came to your uncle-- Arriving Cartersville about midnight Thursday. But that's today. Darling, your father's coming home. Yes, yes. [airplane engine humming] [engine BUZZES] That's Pete. That's his signal. ADA: How far is it to the airport? maggie: Oh, about 1 0 miles farther on. ADA: What time is it, Parker? PARKER: Eleven thirty-five, ma'am. He's over here, this way, towards home. He's gonna land at home like he used to. Come on, Parker. Turn around. He'll land, and we won't be there to meet him. -That can't be nobody else except Mr. Pete. -lt sure can't. Listen to that engine. You go right on and call the airplane station and tell Miss Maggie to come right smack home. You go right on and stand-- Be standing by. -Maggie. -Take it easy, Pete. Mr. Pete, Mr. Pete. The next thing I expects to hear is the angel Gabriel blowing his horn. Good evening, Violet, where are they? Good evening. They is at the airplane station. They reckoned you was landing there. Jefferson, he's telephoning. Home. This is your home, Mr. Pete. This is where you belong. [BABY crying] Oh? Hear that, Mr. Pete? Hear that welcome for you? -That's him, isn't it? -Who else? Well- - Well, I think I'll wait here till his mother gets here. Hey, you don't think he's having any trouble, do you? You think he's all right? Well, I better go see. Come on, Mr. Pete. I knows what you want. You want to get up and say howdy to your pappy. You ain't no poor, little orphan no more. You has got a pappy just like any other little boy. Hold his little head. There. There he is, Mr. Pete. The sweetest little lamb that ever drew the breath of life. -Where is he? -He's upstairs. Oh, Pete. [BABY cries] What about that? Oh, yes. What's his name? We call him "Young Pete." Do you like him? He's lovely. Darling, you look ill. Oh, no. I'm all right. Really. -Tell me, are you all right? -Of course I'm all right. Oh, Maggie do you think I've changed? Oh, the grey hair. -A sober, solid citizen, remember? -Yes. Maggie let me look at you to see if you've changed. Have I? No. Nothing was the same without you. Nothing. He's like me. Young Pete, oh, yes. How old is he? Three months and four days exactly. Our son. Yes. Our son. He was all I had of you. Except so often, I had the feeling you were here. Laughing at me and chasing me and roaming around in that silly little plane. Yes, but, Maggie, I'm here now. But you know what? It still seems like I'm seeing you through a mist. Jungles and dark woods. But, darling, you're here. You've come home. maggie: Did she really wanna go up and take that baby with her? PETE: No, she wanted to hold the plane on the ground. Says it's bad for his ears. maggie: Don't you ever let me catch you taking that baby up ever. PETE: No, ma'am. But ever is a long time. Isn't it, Petie? maggie: Topsy-turvy like you. "Out with the boys." Now, really. [maggie LAUGHS] Violet, you're spoiling the show. There's only one show going on now, and that's that baby going to his bed. maggie: Violet's right, Pete. Do you know what time it is? -Anyway, that's bad for his eyes, darling. -The plane is bad for his ears. Movies are bad for his eyes. It'll be tough on his feet. -What? -When he learns to walk. Mr. Pete, can I trouble you for this bundle? Very good. Sleep well. Oh, would you like a nightcap before you turn in? -Now, kiss your mammy. -Good night, darling. -And wave bye-bye. -Bye-bye. Yeah, he's going with Violet. Violet's gonna put him to bed. You know, Maggie, nobody but you could have such a lovely baby. Oh, he'd be a perfect baby no matter who his mother was. Why can't we take him with us to New York tomorrow? Pete, you're insane. But he'd like New York. How do you know? He told me he would. You're absolutely mad. HARRlSTON: He's a marvelous boy. PETE: Oh, yeah. You know, I have dozens of these. If you really enjoy looking at them I could send you 50 to Washington if you send them back. -He'll send you 1 50 if you want. BARTENDER: Your Coke, sir. -Oh, thank you. -Coke, my eye. -That's a Cuba libre. -Do you mind? No, darling, we're on a spree. But don't forget, I'm right here beside you. -First time in New York since I got back. -lt's a celebration. [laughing] -Who is it? -Guess. I don't know. Pete, darling. What does one say to a ghost? Hello, Maggie. I couldn't believe it when I heard you were alive. It was in Australia before a concert. I drank champagne and played Chopin's "Funeral March" in swing time, actually. -Have a drink? -No, thanks. -Colonel Harriston, Miss Kovak. -How do you do? -How do you do? -Staying in town long? No, we're going home tomorrow. -Running away so soon? -We've been here a week. -l do miss the country. -That's what she says. Don't believe her. She's just dying to get back to her boy. She hates being away from him. Oh. I've got something to show you. -Here. -Oh, pictures. Oh, I love them. That's the son and heir. What do you think of him? Why, he's so big. He's 31 inches tall, weighs 29 pounds, has eight teeth and he bites. And if you don't believe me, just ask that puppy there. Oh, he's lovely. And here. Here's one taken with his mother. I think he looks like Maggie. But she will have it that he looks like me. He is like you. -Oh, but he has Maggie's smile. -Perhaps. I don't know much about babies. Well, I must go. You're both looking so well. That must have been quite a moment when you told Pete about the baby. I'd like to have been there. Well, that's what I call a striking woman. Mister and Missis-- Come on. Here you go. Here. Jefferson, take them. JEFFERSON: Come on, Mister and Missis, get your supper with the rest of them. [piano playing in distance] Well, here I am. Yes, I was expecting you. -Going to ask me to stay? -No. -You'd better. PETE: Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. SANDRA: Pete. -Why, Sandra. -Hello, darling. How are you? What are you doing here? I hardly know myself. I was motoring to White Sulphur Springs. I realized I'd gone through to Maryland that you lived in Maryland, and here I am. I hope I'm not intruding. Of course not. Would you like some tea? -l'd rather have a drink. -Good. -Gee, Sandra, you're looking fine. SANDRA: I feel well. A little tired. Oh, I love this place. PETE: Yes, I must show it to you. I was wondering, could you put me up for the night? I was going to White Sulphur for a rest anyway. I've had a tough season. Why, yes, I suppose we could. Couldn't we, Maggie? Why, yes. Oh, that would be lovely. Thanks. How much ground have you got here? PETE: Oh, about 20 acres. You see, we're still sort of doing the house over. Maggie used the other wing. This part of the house used to be shut off. I see. And when the family expanded, the house went with it. PETE: Mm-hm. That addition, let me tell you, is something. I can hardly wait to see it. It? It's a him. Oh, that's right. lt was a boy, wasn't it? -What would you like to drink, Sandra? -l don't know. -Mint julep? -Lovely. -What are you drinking? -The same. Three mint juleps, nice and cold and frosty. Yes, sir, Mr. Pete. I'm dying to see that baby. -Could we go up now? -Of course you can. Pete, it's time for his bath. -l know. -Can't I see him in his bath? Why, certainly. Come on. Isn't the proud mama coming? [violet humming] Oh, here he is. Oh, he's got company. -Good evening, ma'am. -Good evening. Lady come to see you. -Has he had his bath? -Yes, ma'am. Now take your little bow the way Violet taught you. He's kind of shy of strangers. He's got to get over that now. Let me have him, Violet. -Go to your pappy. -Come on now. -There. -Now, no more nonsense. Now, go on bow for the lady. There, that's it. That's a good boy. Now you go to your mother. -What do you think of him? -Oh, I like him. [music PLAYS ON RECORD PLAYER] -What's that? -He always likes his little tune before he goes to sleep. Oh, musical? Where do I sleep? In the south room. Jefferson will light the fire. I'll show you. Maggie likes to stay and tuck him in. SANDRA: Shall we have that drink first, Pete? They's nice and frosty, Mr. Pete. PETE: Coming right down, Jefferson. SANDRA: Pete. -Hm? Come on. Our drinks are waiting. Hey, aren't you dressed yet? Oh, are we dressing? Well, I thought you'd want to. We have a guest. -What's the matter? You got a headache? -No. Well, then you better hurry. It's almost 7:00. All right. [CLOCK chimes] SANDRA: Harriett won't leave New York, even in the winter. PETE: She was a good sort. Didn't she lose money? SANDRA: No, that's the story she tells. Fuzzy left her a lot. PETE: Did Fuzzy die? SANDRA: No, he gave her a lot. He's in a home for inebriates, someplace in New Jersey. PETE: Oh. Hello, darling. You're late. -We've already had three. -Three? Oh, Maggie, that wifely tone. Do you count his cigarettes too? It's doctor's orders. Doctor's orders. How familiar that sounds. Would you believe it? I was under doctor's orders. You? Yes. I had to count my cigarettes, my drinks and my calories. I had a little dragon watching over me every minute to see that I did it. It didn't seem to do you any harm. No, I have never seen you look more blooming. -Come on. Have another one. -Why, I shouldn't. But how I love to do things I shouldn't. To my hostess. Maggie, my dear, may you always be as happy as you are now. Dinner's served. You always were a traveler. You would love Australia, Pete. It's a great man's country. Earthy and exciting. Reminds me of our own West. You know, Arizona. Arizona? That's where Young Pete was born. SANDRA: Oh, really? PETE: Yeah. -Not here in the ancestral home? -No. That's when I was missing. Pretty grim for Maggie. No wonder she wanted to get away from people. Mr. Pete, you're wanted on the telephone. Long distance. Oh, excuse me, ladies. Jefferson, we'll have our coffee in the drawing room. Oh, I'll take my brandy with me. maggie: Put the coffee there. What are you going to do? -What are you going to do? -Nothing. -You're going to hold me to my bargain? -Yes. When I made it, I didn't know Pete was alive. When you thought he was dead, you didn't want that child. Now he's alive, you want both. It was never a part of the bargain that Pete should be alive. The money you gave me is in trust. It's never been touched. You're not going to tell Pete. No, Maggie. I'm not going to tell him. You're going to tell him. And I'm gonna stay here until you do. [DOOR OPENS] PETE: Well, that's that. Harriston has new planes that he wants me to see. I think I'm gonna say good night. I won't have any coffee. It might keep me awake. I want sleep. -Sleep? You're not turning in now? -Maggie looks a little tired. Are you, Maggie? It's so early. I won't go to bed right away. I'll read and write letters. Open the windows and get some of your good country air. -You've got luncheon guests tomorrow. -Yes. Then I think you've had quite enough for one evening. -Good night and try and get some rest. -Good night, Sandra. Oh, don't bother, Maggie. I can find my way. maggie: Good night, Sandra. Coffee? What's going on between you two? -Nothing. -Well, something must have happened. Did Sandra say anything to upset you? No, she didn't. Well, then, my darling, don't you think you've let me down a little? How? Well, I don't know why Sandra came here. But I'm sure she came here for some reason. And I particularly wanted her to see how happy we are. We are happy, aren't we? Of course. Then, my darling, don't you think you could have taken some other way of showing it? You hardly ate. You hardly spoke. Anyone would think that I beat you in private. I'm sorry. Maggie, there's something between us tonight. I don't know what it is but it's like flying in a fog. I can't seem to get my bearings and I don't like it. We've always told each other everything, haven't we? That's been the great thing. No secrets. Always honest with each other, haven't we? Well, then don't you think you can tell me what's making you unhappy? Maggie, I think I know what it is. It's Sandra. Her being here is what upset you, hasn't it? And you think that- - Well, that I still find her attractive, don't you? Do you? I'd be lying to you if I said anything else. Any man would find Sandra attractive. Perhaps even a little exciting. But you see, Maggie, I'm not just any man now. I'm your husband. The father of Young Pete. And believe me, that makes a whale of a difference. You and Young Pete. You'd have to be a man to know what that means. But it's the tops. What time is it, Violet? I didn't get to sleep till early this morning. It's 1 0:00. I've laid your clothes out. That wretched lunch. What am I going to do? The first thing you'll do is drink your coffee. There ain't nobody coming for an hour. And me and Jefferson done got everything under control. Well, give them their mint juleps when they arrive. And then smoked turkey and Virginia ham and then all the hot dishes out on the buffet. I don't want anything to go wrong, Violet. Oh, is Kovak up yet? Her? Laws, yes. She was up with the birds. Had breakfast and then come to the nursery and took the baby. Where? What's the matter with you this morning? You're as white as the tablecloth. She just took him for a little walk. They is down on the lawn. -He's not a bit afraid, is he? -No. No. You're not afraid, are you? [SANDRA LAUGHS] SANDRA: All right. SANDRA: Good morning, Maggie. maggie: Good morning. Hello, sleepy head. Hello. I'm sorry I slept so late. I'm getting dressed now. Take your time. I'm getting acquainted with this young man. He's a darling. Yes, isn't he? I'm thinking of stealing him. [LAUGHS] You better not try it. Here, Miss Maggie. maggie: Pete. -Pete. -Maggie. I've changed my mind since last night. If you think I'll stand by, let Pete think that child is yours and say nothing, you're crazy. Why didn't you tell him the truth when he came back? Why did you lie to him? I didn't lie to him. Pete thinks that child is yours. He is. -What? -l didn't lie to Pete. The child is mine. Your part was finished the minute you gave that baby to me. From that day on, I had only one purpose in my life to make that baby mine and to forget that you ever existed. So you told Pete the baby was yours. What did you think I'd do about that? Oh, I don't know what I thought. That you'd never come back. That perhaps you'd marry and stay away for years. Perhaps you'd die. I hoped you would. But I didn't die and I haven't stayed away, and I want that child. Sandra, you walked away from that baby without one backward look. -l've seen him. -You could have anytime. We made no rule. I was in Australia. It takes more than an ocean to keep a mother from a child she really wants to see. All those months, you never wrote me one line asking about him. You were perfectly satisfied to have him off your hands. Why, if that had been my child, I'd have never given him up. But he's not your child and you're going to give him up. You could justify that lie to yourself, but you can't justify it to Pete. He'll never forgive you, Maggie. Oh, you're not going to tell Pete, are you? You see, you're afraid. You don't dare tell him how you've lied to him. I'll tell you something else you're afraid of. You're afraid you'll lose Pete. You will. He never loved you as he loved me. You were second choice. You caught him on the rebound. There's only one thing holding him to you, Maggie, and that's my baby. I'd be too proud to hold a man with another woman's child. Pete... -What's the matter? -Sit down. -l've got something to tell you. -Oh, what? I've lied to you about Young Pete. What do you mean? I mean, he isn't mine. -What are you talking about? -He belongs to Sandra. Sandra's his mother. He's mine, Pete. Yours and mine. I'll tell you as simply as I can. When you were in South America before you were missing Sandra told me she was going to have a child. Your child. And then when you didn't come back and we thought you were dead well, it wasn't an easy situation for Sandra to face alone so I went away with her and stayed until Young Pete was born. Then I persuaded her to let me take him. It was the only way he could have the place in life he was entitled to. He was your son. So Sandra gave him up so he could have that place. Wait a minute. Oh. That's why you went to Arizona alone. That's why you didn't take Violet or Aunt Ada with you. -Yes. -Yes. I thought there was something funny. You were always so shy about taking the credit for Young Pete. And I remember you saying once: "No matter who the mother is, the baby would be perfect." Yeah. At the time, I thought that was rather sweet. I liked it. And you, Sandra. Ever since you've been in this house you've been hammering sarcastically at Maggie about that baby. The "proud mother" business. I thought there was something. -Pete, don't you see that--? -Yeah. You told everyone that the baby was yours. You lied to everyone. When I came back, you even lied to me. How long did you intend to go on lying, Maggie? Well, I couldn't bear the thought of losing either of you. PETE: Well, why are you telling me now? Because now Sandra wants the baby. -You're gonna take the baby away? -He's mine, Pete. When I gave him up, I didn't know you were still alive. -lt's different now. -How is it different now? Sandra just told me that I was only holding you because of Young Pete. Her child. And that if you knew I'd lied to you, you.... Well, you'd leave me. Stop. Stop it. [maggie sobbing] -Haven't you any sense? -Oh, but-- Shut up. Don't act like a crybaby. Well, Sandra the baby is yours. If you want to take him there isn't very much I can do about it. He's a fine little chap and we'll miss him, naturally. Maggie thank heaven we've got each other. Oh, yes. violet: Here they is. Your mammy and your pappy. The company is almost here. It's time for this little rascal to have his nap. Now kiss your mammy. And your pappy. And wave bye-bye to the lady. And come on with Violet, honey child, to your little bed. Yeah. SANDRA: I wonder if I could have a drink. Oh, of course. [piano playing] SANDRA: Maggie, I'm not staying for lunch. What about Young Pete? I'm leaving him with his mother. Come on. If you look like that, people will think I beat you. If you don't stop, I will. Now, come on. [english SDH] A WOMAN HAS FALLEN Chapters in the life of an ordinary girl inspired by the novel by MILLI DANDOLO Don't forget to go see aunt Maura in Naples. She'd get offended if you... - I must've written the address. And the trunk keys? You've got them, right? Yes, Mom, I think so. No. Elvira's got them. You ought to hold the keys, dear. Don't forget to write! - Don't worry, Mom. Best wishes! - Have a nice trip! Good morning, Ma'am. Dina's awaiting you. I was forced to let her in. Where's she? - In the living room. I felt certain that you'd come. What do you want? - You advised your son to send me this sum of money? Not enough? I'm giving it back to you. My son did what his condition and his feelings imposed on him. He married a woman on his level with a family and principles. A woman who loves him truly. - A rich woman? A kind woman! One you can rely on, respect... You couldn't respect me? Stop playing the victim! I won't fall for it. I'm old and I got used to seeing things as they are. You shouldn't have yielded to him. But you knew he was rich. Anyway, the people had judged you. You played them all off against me. You! Oh, what does it matter! I thought I had so many things to tell you... Instead... It's no use. I'm not what you think I am. Or maybe... Who knows? Don't you worry, Ma'am. Don't have remorse. Ester! Ester! What do you want? - Tidy up your room. Later. - Right now! You're here? You could've said you were going out. Where are the big scissors? I don't know. - You don't know? The princess is in bad mood. We must atone for her problems! - She should've thought of it before. They've put her down! - Enough now, Ester! Don't start again! Let bygones be bygones. Sure. Once the baby is born you'll think about it, Auntie. Stop it! Go make the bed. - Alright, alright, I'm going to. I'll make the bed. Do the dishes. Everything you want! What can you do? - I graduated high school. Then my father, who was a doctor, died... Do you have experience of business correspondence? I may acquire it. We'll keep you in mind. Come back in a few months. You're too young. I'm sorry, Ma'am. Don't lose heart. The lawyer said no but it could be arranged. You know... I can see about it. I've some connections. Could we meet again? Turn around. Tired? Be patient for a minute. Raise your head. Dina... What's wrong? You want to leave? You're feeble. I think you need medical care. You need to eat. It's not just that. There's a doctor downstairs. Shall I go with you? - No. Dr ROBERTO FRASSI - Surgeon - Good day, Ma'am. The doctor. - Do you have an appointment? Yes, yes. Come in. Take a seat. So, Miss? Nothing. I'm leaving. - Weren't you looking for me? Yes, a doctor but... I don't dare to. Sit down. How can it be that a forgotten and distant thing an error of a moment, is still here ruining all my life? But why? I don't want him to be born! Now you know why I came here. And you wanted to leave? You're more ill than you think. You must've suffered a lot. You know what I want. - How curt you are. You went to a doctor you don't even know asking for... something terrible. I might report you. Don't worry. I won't give you a lecture. Given your state of mind it'd be useless. Of course. I'll go see another doctor. - You won't go anywhere! - Report me! It's a cowardly act! You fear maternity. You're a wretch. Miss, have you seen Dr Frassi? - I think he's in the office. Come in. Here you are, dear. - Thanks, Rosa. Your baby, Ma'am. - He's getting more and more pretty. I'll come pick him up in an hour. - No. Better take him outside, in the garden. Alright, Ma'am. - Bye, baby-boy. Rosa's leaving. But we'll see each other soon. Bye! Thanks for the dress, Rosa. It's nice but I feel so funny. - You look pretty in it. You think? - It's nicer on you. You've got a perfect figure. Doesn't look like you've had a baby. You're a natural born model. The manageress will be delighted. Let's hope so. - I'm afraid it won't last long. Why? - With a body like yours it's hard to stay a model. You become a customer. A fatal thing. There are some businessmen around... Silly girl! May I take the suitcase? The cab's ready. - I'll be right down. I'll go with you. Still here, you two? - I don't want to leave. It's so nice in here. By the way, doctor, is there any risk of my appendix growing again? No, it's impossible. - It can't be helped. - Pity. I wouldn't mind getting operated by you once again. - Nothing else? - No. Thank you, doctor. - Goodbye. - Bye, Dina. Remember: Pension Giglioli. I'll prepare the room for you. Goodbye. What a girl! - Deep down she's a good girl. Did she convince you? - Model or whatever, it's the same thing. There was no need to hurry. You could've waited. Meanwhile, we'd have searched. No, doctor. I want to think about my life by myself. Doctor, they're waiting for you to check that X-ray. - I'm coming. So, it's a matter of pride? Pride? You've done so much for me and I... You're proud. May I take the baby, Ma'am? - No, I'll stay with him a bit more . You're leaving tomorrow? What's the rush? As if you were afraid you'll be late. - Doctor... No one can understand my situation better than you. You've already intervened in an important moment. You regret it? - No, on the contrary. I should be grateful for everything you did for me. I hope I'll have the chance to repay you. You weigh your words as if you distrusted me. You bear me a grudge. No, doctor. You've been kind but I can't be different. You don't want to. I don't, you're right. I don't want sympathy. I don't want to be a victim! One day, a woman an old lady who had wronged me told me that one needs to see things as they are. I felt hatred towards her right then! It seemed inhuman. But then I realized she was right. One needs to see things as they are. Are you sure you see them as they are? - I am since I've had a baby. Everything looked clearer to me. More simple.... Now I know what my life should be. I must start again on my own. I wish I'd changed your mind. But nobody could do that any more. Good luck, Dina. I call your attention to these large patched pockets of this creation. Such a theme is particularly suitable for being used in the pockets. A very graceful theme in its simplicity. These pleats have very decorative traits... Go for it but the difficulty lies in colors. Tendentially bright colors. - All right then, Montarone. But set the colors! You can make it in angora in silver grey-green. Like the olive leaves. The dress must give impression of a light springtime... not yet arrived. In my creation there still must be... the memory of the winter. Desire for springtime... In short, a dress for spring and autumn. Then, I'm wasting my time here.... Uselessly! Spring and autumn! No, no, Montarone. No one denies your talent. Leave your drawing. I'll check it tonight. They don't understand. They do not understand me. Ladies! Still in that dress? Quick! The ivory dress! Don't I look pretty? I won't go into it. How's going, my dears? What a gloomy face! - What happened? New troubles? - Here we go again! They don't understand. They don't understand me! Trust me, Dina: working in these conditions is absolute torture for an artist! Because of that spring style? - They try to sabotage my idea of patched pockets. Dina, you go talk to the manageress. They respect your opinion in here. Don't worry, Montarone. - Oh, thanks! You've become quite important. Even Montarone needs your support. Yes, but it's starting to weigh on me. Home, the baby, studio, the manageress' praises... Not a single moment of carelessness. Never an enjoyable evening. You don't know what you want. When they ask you out to spend a wonderful night, you don't go. You never want to. Fabbri would do crazy things for you. - He'd do them for any girl. Rita, too. Dina, are you ready? - Yes, I'm coming. But... I'll think it over. And I thought I didn't love you. Sweetheart! Here, Piero. Mammy's sweetheart! They brought the dress. Do open the box, Ma'am. - Best wishes. - Thank you. You'll look great! Anyway, nobody knows they're given by the firm. You needed the New Year's Eve and a new club to have some fun. What will you do without you mammy? - Don't worry! He'll drink a sparkling with me. Right? - I'm sorry to leave him. Come on! At you age, you've a right to enjoy yourself. You work all day long. Hi, Dina! - What have you brought? Look how beautiful, Piero! Isn't it nice? - Yes, but this is the last time I've brought the playpen. Thanks, Mario. I'll offer you a drink. Come. There's reasoning with you. You've got style. My friend Fabbri will be spellbound. You think so? - New Year's Eve in Milan with Moon.... and you. - What's all this nonsense? Now, beat it! We have to get ready. It'll be a marvelous night. - Goodbye. Be on time. At 10 o'clock. I don't want to miss the opening of "Anselmi". Drunk? No. Yet it should be obligatory so as to please the pourer. Darling... Excuse me. Several millions in phosphate and sugar are at your feet. - There. How much till midnight? - 10 minutes. I'd like to drink more. - Mario, a drink! Waiter! Quick! Four bottles over here. I want them all in a line. Do you love me, Mario? - Me? Yes, darling. But promise that you'd never make me bring the playpen. Attention! It'll be midnight shortly. The last dance of the year will begin: "The Rape of the Sabine". When the lights go out, each gentleman will abduct a lady and dance with her. Please, maestro. Nice, isn't it? Soon... It'll be midnight soon. - We got on time. Mario, let's dance. What do we drink? - Sparkling. - May I? - Please. You don't dance? Let's drink, then. These parties are enjoyable but there's no privacy. Too many people. Shall we leave? Ready for the abduction! Gentlemen, distinguish yourselves! Oh, Doctor. - I didn't expect such a luck. I see you're having fun. You look different. Have I changed a lot? I wouldn't know. I had another memory of you. Is that a reproach? How twinkling your eyes are. I feel a bit dizzy. All these people, the music, the racket... I love this evening. Doctor, how are the appendices going? - Very well. What's next? I'm bored. - We're all going to Fabbri's place. With pleasure. I'll drink here first. Fabbri! Fabbri! Come. I'll still drink. - You want more? Yes. - You drank 4 bottles. - It's not true. Four bottles! Will you come after us? - Sure. Look, there's a flat tyre. - And what are you here for? There's nothing I can do. - I told you that this car is a wreck. How come they're late? What are they doing? Don't worry. They'll come. Are you sure? You've been a bit nervous ever since we were alone. - Me? Have one more sip. - No, I've had enough. I even tried hard. I'm not lucky, that's all. When I wish my head to be spinning... Nothing. And when it shouldn't spin at all... - Then it spins. It's so depressing not being able to get drunk when you want to. Let's try for the last time. How nice in here! The New Year's Eve grapes. Genuine grapes. It's amazing how all these things seem to be brought here by a magic wand. This magic wand, after all it's just a little money. Maybe you're right. There's some truth in all that. It's not my fault. You can have everything. You're a wizard. A poor gray-haired wizard who's not even able to make you drunk. Forgive me, Fabbri. This little comedy makes me feel embarrassed. Sadly, I'm not used to it. You didn't even need to tell me. You know why I came here and why I'm leaving. I'd rather look like a stupid, provincial girl to you. It wasn't kind of you to create such an obvious situation. But, in such cases, you need to play along and be a good loser. Are they yours? They gave me this address. Leave them here. I've never seen him before. - Must be the firm's newness. - No. Rather, Marta's. Rita never goes below the age of 50. He's cute, though. Snap! He's been waiting for Dina. - How come, Doctor? I was passing by and thought of waiting for you. Do you mind? - Why should I? Shall I take you? The car's here. There's always a gentleman with a car waiting for models. Sooner or later, it had to happen to me too. Then, let's go on foot. Oh, no, no! Let's go by car. The sky's cloudy. It won't be a romantic walk without the stars. You're fond of stars? It's quite simple. Let's go to the planetarium. - Yes, let's. Do you like your job? The customers are impatient. They're never tired of watching. It's still a job. - The other night you seemed delighted. Pleased with yourself. I thought that too but maybe, I will never be able to be happy. Everything seemed so easy. I'd decided to become a rich man's lover. He was even a nice man but I'm a wrong woman. My whole life is a mistake. And the baby? The only good thing I've done. He's now a lovely boy, you know? Let's pull up here. Here are the Pleiades. They appear in May and in October. Their light is flickering and bluish. They're called: Alcyone Electra, Atlas, Maia, Merope, Taygeta, Pleione, Celaeno, Asterope. How did he say? - Asterope. It's nice to look at the sky at times though it's fake. - It makes you think. The ancient seamen, before venturing out to sea, winter gone would always wait till they appeared so that their light made their trip safe. What if we took some kind of a trip under the protection of the Pleiades? It's nothing. I remember when I was a little girl. On clear nights... I'd look at the stars. It was wonderful. I wanted to be happy. I've finished. I'll talk tomorrow about the southern hemisphere constellations. No, no, no! Not like that! Take off that veil. There! That's it! You're right, Miss. No doubt. The veil should go behind. It's perfect now. It suits her perfectly. It gains 100%. Isn't it so, Ma'am? You've got an impeccable taste, Miss! The sleeve is not good. It's too tight, too pitiful... Unbelievable! We need to revert to half-length like yesterday. There. Look. Like this. Up to here. Then, straight down. How can I explain? Shall we try the large sleeve? That way we'll get it. It's a trifle, a mere nothing but, on second thought, you've got an exquisite taste. One-half turn. Enough. Let's see the front. One-half turn back. More on the sides. I go back to my first thought. Put everything as it was. Right, Enrico? - Maybe it's the best. Very well. So, let's start again. Quick! The sleeve. Tired? I was afraid I wouldn't find you. I like to be with you today. Where are you taking me? - To a completely desolate place. Empty rooms, no windows or doors. You want to kill me? - I can't say more. Okay, I'm in your hands. Here we are! I'm scared! The lift. But we won't use it today. Who's that? Hey, where are you going? - It's me. Ah, it's you, Doctor. You can go. Here we go. It's taller than a tower. Look, that's the station. One day, a certain Dina landed there. She looked on the dark side. She had some intentions. But there... See those stained glass windows? There was a doctor. A severe, strict doctor. - At first, Dina couldn't stand him. Then she realized she was wrong, and changed her mind. And now... This is their home. Their home? Would you be my wife? I knew this moment would come. I waited for it... and I feared it. Why did you fear it, if you love me? I do love you so but I fear the future. You know I have a child. Did my wife call? - Yes, Doctor. She talked to Teresa. You can go. Ma'am is waiting for you to go to the races. Here's a telegram. My parents. - When are they coming? They're not coming. I prepared the room. Why they do this? If they knew the lady they'd love her. I know, but it is not for the lady. - But the baby... What fault has he? That's how they are. They never cared. Coriolano's moving forward, Dina! He's in second place! I like it. It's exciting. How's Fra' Cristoforo placed? - What's his number? - He'll come last. Good. Pinturicchio is behind. - Come on, Coriolano! Come on, Grimaldi! - Farina! Farina! Coriolano wins! Farina! Come on! Fra' Cristoforo! Who'd have thought? Fra' Cristoforo is mine. Didn't Marco Grafico win an award? - Yes. You never get it right. - Fra' Cristoforo was a surprise. Go and bet Marco Grafico, winner and placed. Quick! You too, and bet 500 lire. - Again? Look who's here! Don't look like that! - You can't even look at her now? Excuse me. - Sure. How are you, Dina? Let me see! How elegant you are! - A real lady. Want one? - No, thanks. You've settled down, eh? You're nowhere to be seen. I rarely go out. - Fabbri's here, you know? He was in the stand. And Mario? You'll win this time. What do you say, Doctor? Who are they? - Acquaintances. Just a second. What about your baby? How's he? - He's fine. If only you saw him... Hello. We were talking about Piero. Did he grow fond of his new dad? Sorry, we have to go. - We've so much to chat about. What is it, Roberto? - Nothing, Dina. - Upset because I talked to those two? But I couldn't have avoided them. - No, it's not that. Good evening. There's a lady. She wants to see the doctor? - No, you. - Me? She's been waiting for a while. Tell her I'm coming. You! Why are you here? How are you, Dina? I heard about you. You've settled down. You've a nice house. I'm glad. How's the baby? What do you care? You know that Giovanni's dead? Dead? 6 months ago. He suffered a lot. I was left alone. And now my house's so empty. Elvira got back to her parents. She had no reason to stay. Since he's gone, childless. You, instead, are happy now. You have a husband. You could have more children. What do you want? That baby is maybe a hindrance to you. He'd mean everything to me. My son's child. The last of our family, you understand? You didn't talk like that before. - But the property, the house... I don't want them scattered. - I knew it! A calculation. It's the only thing you can do. The family, the name, the estate... You wonder who to leave them to. You'll never have him! - But are you sure to make him happy? There's your husband. A son not his own. - My husband loves me! Go away! Think it over... - Go away! Go away! You refused because you don't love you son enough. But life will persuade you. I'll be waiting. Didn't you have a great time? Are we eating? Sorry if you had to wait. Not at all. She left? You know who she was? Yes, I do. You know why she came? She wanted the baby. The baby? She was left alone. He died. The heir is missing. She realized it now. She tried everything to persuade me. She nearly humbled herself. When she realized it was no use, she turned mean again. She even talked about you. About our happiness. As if my son were a stranger here. And you refused? I needn't have? - I didn't say that. But you think! Sorry. It seems like everyone's a bit nervous today. I know what you mean. I know what annoys you. - No more of this. We have to talk. It's necessary. I got it, you know? There are things you can't forget. How you met me, my life, my baby... I realized it when Rosa mentioned my baby. You... Don't say absurd things which cannot be undone! Yes, it's true. I suffered. I'm suffering... You can't not think about it. Everything that reminds me of your past bothers me. It haunts me! Oh, poor Roberto... Poor me! Still here? You started working at night again. No, I must finish a report. - I saw the lights on... Good luck with your work. Still up, Teresa? - You need something? He hasn't come back yet. It's late. I don't get it. He must've stayed at the clinic. What's wrong? You must help me, Teresa. Don't be against me, you too. Nobody's against you, Ma'am. - What am I to do? I myself don't know any more. I can't part from my son like that. He's mine. My husband should understand. I know. But at times you need to be brave enough to give up. The Doctor loves you. - He does? I'm no longer sure if that's true. He only wants you to be happy. They mustn't take him away from me! Your husband, for you, set himself against his own family. Because, you know... He didn't tell you, but his parents always found pretexts for not meeting you. Because of the baby! Think about it. You son would be king of the house there. Don't think about yourself only. You shouldn't have yielded to him. You should've thought of it before. You fear maternity. You're a wretch. Have one more sip. Dina... Would you be my wife? You can't not think about it. Everything that reminds me of your past, bothers me. It haunts me. You refused because you don't love you son enough. But life will persuade you. I'll be waiting. The master is up. He only wants coffee. - I'll bring it. Your milliner says she's changed address. The Cattaneos invited us to theatre. Of course, we won't go. We should phone them. - Why? You dislike going out at night. Tonight, I want to. As you wish. Goodbye, Dina. I'm going to the clinic. I'll be there all day. I thought it over, Teresa. Maybe you're right. The kid would be happier there. There's a train around midnight. We won't be home. You'll go with Piero and take him to his grandma. Won't you sleep? Go to bye-byes. Shall we play? This 17th century music is lovely. You like it, Dina? What time is it? 11 o'clock. You're bored? If you want, we can go. I have to be at the clinic in an hour. - Sorry? It's late. We must go. You don't like it? - I've a seriously ill patient. I'll take Dina home. - I don't dare insist. - Pity. It's such a nice play. I hope I'll be back soon. What's with you? Nothing. Come back soon. She left with the kid 15 minutes ago. Do you need anything, Ma'am? Oh, my God! Poor thing! What happened? - A woman. Make way! Who is she? Any documents on her? - None. Let's go. Did she talk? - No, she didn't. I think she'll no longer talk. Did he fall asleep? My baby... What's she saying? What baby? Did he fall asleep? Yes, he's asleep. Wake me up... when he wakes up. My baby... Yes. Sleep peacefully. THE END English subs by marooned2, rev by edam17@KG, June 2014 Watch it! Wet print! Copy. Ain't it pretty? Well, his inheritance tax oughta make the country about even. He was born too late. 200 years ago, he'd have been a pirate. Captain Kidd himself. Look at that stomach. I watched him eat once at a banquet. He didn't order a steak, he ordered a cow. You have to hand it to him. He loved to live. Yeah? Have you gone crazy? Let's go to press.! We've only got 18 minutes to catch the mail trains.! I got the greatest first page here since the Chicago fire! Old man Reynolds is dyin' and I'm gonna get the flash he's dead any minute! Let him die in the next edition.! And let the Herald beat us? He's gonna die for me, exclusive! He's mine! But the mail trains... He dies for me, not the Herald. But the advertisers... Tell the advertisers to go to the Herald.! What are you standin' around with your face hanging' out for? Gimme two columns on Reynolds' son flying in from Mexico. Right. You know, lump-in-the-throat stuff. "Only son flies to father's deathbed. Will he make it? Won't he make it?" Slobber all over the place, but keep it classy! And write it both ways, if he makes it or if he doesn't. As long as he has to go, please have him go not later than 9:20. That dirty Herald's been gettin' all the breaks. Yeah? What do you mean, he isn't dead yet? Frank, I gotta have some action! What am I supposed to do, hit him over the head? I've been standing in a foot of water and I caught a cold. You've got a cold. Reynolds is dying! At least he's doing it in a nice, warm bed. I got something. Two ravens from the national museum... Are inside the house waiting to take his death mask. Seems you gotta do it right away. No, I didn't get their names. Wait a minute. Somebody's coming. It's a car! Must be Reynolds' son. How do I know? 'Cause he came up the wrong way on a one-way street! Frank, I'm warnin' you, if Reynolds isn't dead within a half hour, don't come back here! Go ahead, threaten me! I got pneumonia! He's getting out of the car. It's the Reynolds kid, all right! He's goin'in the house.! There he goes. Hello, Roberts. It's good you got here in time, sir. Hello, Johnny. How is he, Doctor? Not so good. There's a chance, isn't there? Isn't there? He's had a rich, full life. A man couldn't ask for more than he's been given. No, I guess not. He'll be glad to see you. He's been asking for you all the time. Hello, Dad. I leave town for a month and find you in bed. Out in the rain without your rubbers, eh? Well, you look fine, Dad. Just fine. You'll probably be out ofhere in a week. Say, the fishing in Mexico, there's nothing like it. It's not really fishing, it's kind of big-game hunting. They have fish with teeth and horns. Throwback to the buffalo. You go out in a boat and fish charge at you. And you... And you just gotta catch 'em in self-defense. You and I and two machine guns... are going down there fishing next month. No more fishing for me, Johnny. What are you talking about? Why, Dr. Harvey says... You all right, Dad? Tell me about her. About her? The girl you're going to marry. Oh. Oh, she's wonderful. I met her at the Williams'. An old Boston family. Been in Mexico a number of years. We hit it off right away. I wanted to marry her the first week, but I... I thought I'd let you see her first. Why didn't you bring her? Well, I... I dropped her at the hotel. We brought her mother along too. I thought you'd be resting. The excitement. I want to see her. Yes, Dad. First thing in the morning. Now. Bring her to me. Just want to see her, that's all. You're going to get better, Dad. Hurry, Johnny. Go and get her. Go and get her. Sure, Dad. Sure. He looks awfully bad, Doctor. Better get the girl. But hurry. It may be a matter of minutes. Yes. My hat and coat, Roberts. Yes, sir. Miss Pennington, please. Miss Gloria Pennington. Yes, sir. Miss Gloria Pennington, please. 1220, please. Good evening, Mr. Duncan. Good evening. Let me talk to her. Did you order this weather? It hasn't been ideal, has it? Thank you. No. I'm sorry, sir. Miss Pennington doesn't answer. She doesn't answer? When does the Broadway Limited arrive, please? Information desk can tell you, madam. Thank you. Maybe she's in her mother's room. Would you try Mrs. Pennington? Yes, of course. Mrs. Pennington, please. Thank you. Please send this and charge it to my room. Straight wire or night letter? Could you wait just a minute? This call is awfully important. This telegram is important too. Send it straight wire. Thank you. Yes? I see. Is she in? I'm sorry. She doesn't answer either. I don't understand it. I left them here just a minute ago. Are their keys in the box? No, but people sometimes take them with them. Would you like me to have Miss Pennington paged? Oh, yes. Would you, please? I've got to find her. Yes, sir. Page Miss Gloria Pennington. Hurry, son, please. Do you have Mr. John Simms registered here? Maybe if you call her again? Just a moment. Paging Miss Pennington.! Just have a chair. We'll do our best to find Miss Pennington for you. Thank you. I'm awfully sorry. Miss Gloria Pennington.! Paging Miss Pennington.! Paging Miss Pennington.! Miss Gloria Pennington.! Paging Miss Pennington.! Check your coat, sir? Yes? What is it? Well, your coat, sir. Oh, no, no. L... I... Don't you think I'm right? 'Course you're right. Thirty-seven and 38. Thirty-seven and 38. What's the whole thing amount to? $40,000. Well, say it's $50,000. For a measly $50,000, you'd expect me to give up two weeks of my vacation? The government gets half of that anyway. All you'd be getting is $25,000... and sitting in a hot office for two weeks. They must think you're an idiot. This must be a new five-dollar coin. Looks like the same old dime to me, though. How's business? They're dime-ing us to death. Still raining? Buckets. Ahh! Is your tongue supposed to be white? Everybody's wearing it this season. I just figured out why drug stores have lunch counters. They lose money on food, but they make a big profit on bicarbonate of soda. Pardon me. Did you find her? No, sir. You didn't? Did you try everywhere? The beauty shop too? Yes, sir. Isn't there someplace else you can look? We'll do the best we can, sir. I'll call you the moment I... My dear, he's the handsomest doctor I've ever had. How marvelous.! He's simply priceless! He found everything the matter with me! How perfectly divine.! Miss.! I beg your pardon. Could you do me a tremendous favor? Huh? I'm in a bad spot. Could you help me? I've got to have something. No, I don't mean that! Yes. I've got to bring somebody home. I'll give you $50 if you'll only come! What? I know this is improper to talk to you, but... My father's dying. Can you help me? You don't understand. I work here. I only have an hour off. I'll have you back by then. I'll explain it to you later. Please, come. I'll give you anything! Just get in the car here. I'll help you with the umbrella. Here she is, Dad. This is my father. Hello. Can't see her. Raise the lamp. Take off your hat. Pretty. Sit here, child. I had to see you. I'd been worried what kind of a girl he'd marry. He's... He's had so many wrong 'uns, but I believe... he's picked the right one this time. I think he'll make you happy. My... MyJohnny's a good boy. He's a little weak, but honest. Never told me a lie. L... I spoiled him, of course. Don't you spoil him too. Keep an eye on him for me. Won't you? You promise me? We've had some beautiful women in our family. You should have seen his mother. You're going to fit in just fine. My, you're pretty. Oh, don't cry, dear. There's nothing to be sorry for. I had a good life. I didn't miss anything. And I've never been happier than I am right now. Please go now. He seems such a wonderful man. Yes, he is. You go along for years and take someone for granted. It never hits you that maybe someday... You can only think that if you had it to do over again, how much closer you could have been. It's a feeling everyone has. No, I'm sure I could have been a better son to him. I'm so sorry. There's a Miss Pennington on the phone for you, sir. Oh, excuse me. - Hello, Gloria. - Hello, John. Mother and I were out buying clothes. I'm sorry we had to pick just the time you called. My father wanted to see you. No, no, don't bother. It's a little too late. John, is he... Oh, thank heaven! Don't you want us to come? No, you try and rest. I'll call you in the morning. All right, darling. Be brave. Good-bye. He's sinking. Oh, yes. I want to thank you for what you did for me. That's all right. I wish I knew how to repay you. Well... Yes? Nothing. I'm glad I was able to help. Good-bye. Good-bye. Miss! I offered you money for this, didn't I? How much was it? Well, you said $50. You'll have to forgive me. I'm not thinking very clearly tonight. I really shouldn't take money for this. It just happens I can use it. I've been wanting to go back home. I haven't seen my folks for two years. Most of the money I make goes for my lessons, and... This'll do it. I can get the first train in the morning. Where are you from? Shelbyville, Ohio. I see. It was a very nice thing you did tonight. I want to thank you again. L... I appreciate this too. Oh, that's all right. Have you seen him? What happened? How is he? I'm from the New York Press. Is the old man... I mean, Mr. Reynolds... dead yet? L... I don't think so. I don't know. L... What? I'm hungry. Why, Jonathan, how do you feel? Hungry. Good morning, Dad. Hello, Johnny. Why, you look just fine. I want my breakfast. Uh, nurse! Nurse! Make a nice, thin slice of white toast. Put it in a bowl with two inches of lukewarm milk. Are you feeding the cat in here? Now, Jonathan. I want a steak. And a cigar. - Don't be hasty. - Who's hasty? I'm hungry! - But you're a very sick man. - Now, you just lie back and rest. In a minute, you're going to have a bowl of nice, warm toastie. I want some nice, hot steakie! - You can have some heavier foodsie later. - Quack. Where's Gloria? She's still at the hote... Oh. L-l-I don't know... where... where she... Well, call her. She can have breakfast with me. Breakfast. No, I don't think so. She's had a pretty long, uh, journey. She's, uh, probably still in the ba... Get her on the phone. I'll talk to her. No, that's not necessary. I'll... I'll, uh, get her while you're eating. Or maybe you'd rather see her later. I want to see her now. Want to see her now. Yes. Don't you think the strain of having h... Go and get her! Jonathan! Too much excitement! For heaven's sake, why don't you go? Certainly. I'm going! Don't get yourself upset, Dad. Then get her. I'll get her. I knew it. Why haven't you gone? Where am I going to go? To the hotel to get your fiancée. She's not my fiancée. I never saw her before in all my life. You... You never saw her before? I thought it was a matter of minutes. I wanted him to be happy. Oh, my. What am I going to do? I can't think. Let me see. What happened? I gave her the $50, and she said... What's a town in Ohio? Toledo. No, no. A small town! Small town! Starts with... Shh! Shelbyville! That's it! Thank you! Does that mean you can find her? There's a chance. Roberts, get my hat and coat, quick! Yes, sir. Pardon me, sir. How is the old gentleman? Well, he's hungry. He wants a steak. He's fine. Fine. Board! All aboard! Board! Well, here goes. Good-bye, darling. Good-bye, Jenny. Is these all yours? Uh-huh. Where's the yellow one? It's right here. I couldn't forget that. High yellow. That's my favorite color! Board.! Good-bye, Jackie. I'll write you every week. Thanks for the stationery from the hotel. Anne, you can't just walk out on yourself like this. She'll be back. No, I won't. It's not so easy to meet the Toscaninis and the Stokowskis. I've been trying for two years. Why, I couldn't even get to see the second doorman at the Met. It's going to be awfully dull in Shelbyville. There are eight million people in this city that don't care whether I ever sing another note in my life. In Shelbyville, there are only 2,000. The opposition isn't quite so strong there. You'd better come along now. Them seats is gettin'filled up. I'll be right in. Good-bye, Jackie, Jennie. Board.! Oh! Thank heavens! I was afraid you'd be gone! Where are your bags? Give me the lady's bags! What do you want? You can't do this! Leave those bags there. You've gotta go with me. It's my father. He's better! Give me the bags! Leave the bags there. I can't go! I'm going home! I quit my job! This ain't no time to arbitrate! I'll give you anything! Another $50! Ple... I don't want anything! Hey, wait! Don't go! Lady, I can't. That's out of my compartment. When the train goes, I ditto. Now will you throw 'em? Yes or no? Who's winnin'? All right, throw 'em! You is the most untravelin'est traveler I ever did see! Let me have 'em. How many are there? Uh, three. Three! Let me have 'em! And the big black one! The big black one! Throw the big... Oh! Aah! I've already sent a telegram home! Well, come on. We'll send another one from my house! He's been asking for you all morning.! We'll have to hurry.! Hey! What's going on here? This is Mr. Reynolds. How do you do? Come along. I'll give you another $50! I didn't know where to find you! I remembered Shelbyville... Well, what do you know? Don't worry, Jennie. It's platonic. He wants her for his father. His fa... fo... Try not to talk. That's the important thing. If you don't say anything, you can't get tripped up. Understand? I won't speak unless I'm spoken to. That's the ticket. A Miss Pennington has telephoned several times while you were out, sir. Miss Penni... Excuse me! Oh! When she calls again, tell her I'll call her as soon as I can. Let's go over it once more. How long have you lived in Mexico? Five years. Parents? Just a mother. Left for Boston. To see? Relatives. Remember, try not to talk. I may have to answer something. If he asks you a question you're not sure of, just smile... like this. You can smile your way out of anything. That's fine. Ready? Shoot. Oh. Yes, indeed. My blessings to you both. Well, thank you. Hello, Bishop. Good morning, son. This is Bishop Maxwell. And this is... How do you do? How do you do. Have you had your breakfast? Yes, she has. Yes, thank you. Wouldn't like a nice little steak sent up here, would you? - No, thank you. - You could eat it when everyone's gone. She said no. And she wouldn't care for a nice cigar either... which she could smoke when everyone's gone. It won't do, Jonathan. Keep an eye on him, Bishop. I'll be right back. Wonder if that ol' witch doctor has a medical diploma. I bet he hasn't. How did you find Mexico? Wonderful country, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is. Yes, I was there quite a while myself. Almost two years. Really? Charming language. Se dice que los Espanoles tienen un proverbio. El idioma Aleman es para los caballos, el Frances para los hombres... y el Espanol para los mujeres. Yo digo ques los Espanoles estan en lo cierto. No es asi? Now, Bishop. Excuse me, my dear. That's what they say. Gloria, I want you to do something for me. Go to those columns. Gloria! Yes? Ye... Oh. Yes. Uh, do you see those columns over there? These? Go to them. In the middle there. Underneath the panel. What, this? Yes. Press it with your fingers as you push it in. Oh! There's a little silver knob in the middle there. This one? Yes, with the numbers. Turn it to the left to number 18. You repaired it! - My boy! Wendy! - Hi, mum! Dad is a hero. There were high hills and overcame them without any vertigo. - Stop it. - You are my hero. - Now we must hope we find grand-dad. - Larry, and that will be it. What about grand-dad? Shh, that's our secret. Not a peep to anyone. Grand-dad will work the bloke over and will be here in a flash. Off we go. Carefully up those stairs. Do me a favour. Good evening. They sent me home from work. Do you have any tablets? I imagine I am inside dreams, my Betty is sublime. I know, I know it. I perceive that this day I am led to my girl, and know I may kiss her. Birds fly low over the town, news spreads of the bride being mine, with me can entwine. With her you'll rise in the morn, and take to bed at sunset. Now you know who loves you. Loves you madly. Love gives you a chance, when suddenly it may enhance you to meet a girl of sanity. You should kiss her now. With her you'll rise in the morn, and take to bed at sunset. Now you know who loves you. Loves you madly. Love gives you a chance, when suddenly it may enhance you to meet a girl of sanity. You should kiss her now. You should kiss her now. You should kiss her now. You should kiss her now. Yippee, great that you're here. We rescued Wendy here with dad, who wasn't in the least afraid. Everybody would do it. I was just a dream to him, so we meet for the last time. Why? You were ever so nice to us. Because he's not dreaming about me but about another girl. And for me once more just champagne and men. I felt good being with you, I will miss you a lot. Wait, we forgot to give you a name. - Must be the nicest. - Zuzie. - Zuzie! - Like our mum! Zuzie? What a gorgeous name. Thank you very much. Excuse me, I feel peculiar. - Do you have by any chance... - A tablet? Like Mr. Charles? Perhaps I'll open a chemist shop. What's he doing here? He's dreaming about you. Seriously? And she's gone. - I dreamt... - I know, about me. Hmm. Betty, what's heavier to take? A life with a man, or without? - Well... - Well what? It weighs on my mind, boss. - Think about it. - I think, with a man, Georgie. - Zuzie. - With a man. Where is he? Disappeared like a puff of smoke. - Don't shoot! I'll do it my way. - Wait! No! I'll untie him. I'll help you. You worm! - Villain... - I've done you no wrong, sir. Is it you? Isn't it you? Fritzie, sonnie! - Mum? - Oh, right, I get it now. I know, the fortune-teller's nightmare. Come on, the nightmare is about you, come. She used to shut me in the sty, when I was naughty. - I was frightened. - I know. She even shut me there overnight. I was petrified. She won't dream about you anymore. Go on, the nightmare is over for evermore. I'll never do it again. I knew I'd meet you here. Larry, where you been all this time? Isn't that beautiful? It is. - My dear sonnie... - Mum! - Excuse me... - Leave me alone. - Only my hubbie could do this! - Perhaps I haven't forgotten. Larry! Sweet Larry! Every tale ends well, when good is victorious. When pure spirit gives evil hell, and binds in chains the odious. Every story ends well when two folk kiss in all glory, love reigns supreme, all can tell, and isn't missing in our story. Every tale ends well. Every tale ends well. Well ends our show, when grandpa finds his grandbaby, and dream-packed duvet aglow is no burden, nay light as can be. Narration ends well, when torment is set aside and dad gets his honorary bell. Can't express it any better. The yarn ends well, about life in duvet, Dream becomes Zuzie, can't you tell, all over when we turn our heads, all over when we turn our heads. Every tale ends well. Every tale ends well. Every tale ends well. Every tale ends well. Okay. So we need a big bucket, a large bag of baby peacock fehers... Oh, I already ordered the baby peacock feathers. Nice. And a nail gun. Sam, you're getting the nail gun? Sam. Wake up. What? What? We're doing a Web show tomorrow night. iCarly? Yes, iCarly. Now, would you wake up and help us? She never helps. At least I don't take nine hours to properly prepare one slice of pizza. Pizza requires a precision balance of red pepper flakes, parmesan cheese and garlic powder. I got it. Chello? Do I sound like rosalinda? Adios. Hey, that pizza looks good. Yours. Ooh. Oh. So what you teeners up to? We're trying to plan for tomorrow night's iCarly. I see. And why the chizzy attitude? 'Cause the show is getting more popular. And it's getting to be a ton of work. It really is exhausting. Well, why don't you guys just hire an intern? What's an intern? Like an assistant that works for free. Wait, would it bathe me? I like being clean. I just don't like all the... Why would anyone work for free? Interns are students. They work to get high school or college credit. So how do we get one? You'll get a ton of responses. It's weird. Is pizza tastes like shoe bottom. Is that a kind of bread? That's ciabatta. That monkey from galaxy wars? No. Oh, man. Oh, it's grandad. Hey, grandad. Hey. Oh, tell him I say, hey. Carly said she hates you. I'm just kidding. It sounds like... This couch is too crowded. Okay. Here's a category: For students in High School and college seeking work in television, film or Web production. I'm gonna post an ad. Yeah. Yeah, grandad. I am a man of my word. We made a deal... Yes, I'll let you know. Don't you... Old scudder. Why are you mad at grandad? Because when I dropped out of law school a few years ago, I made him a stupid promise. That you'd dress up like a lady on the 4th of July? No. Will you anyway? No. What did you promise him? That if I didn't get one of my sculptures in a real museum within three years, I'd go back to law school. When's the three years up? Next week. I can't go back to law school. It was the worst 72 hours of my life. Worse than the time those biker dudes took you to... In 5, 4, 3, 2... ♪ I know you see ♪ ♪ somehow the world ♪ ♪ will change for me ♪ ♪ and be wonderful ♪ ♪ live life, breathe air ♪ ♪ I know somehow ♪ ♪ we're gonna get there ♪ ♪ and feel so wonderful ♪ ♪ it's all for real ♪ ♪ I'm tellin' you ♪ ♪ just how I feel ♪ ♪ so wake up the members ♪ ♪ of my nation ♪ ♪ it's your time to be ♪ ♪ there's no chance ♪ ♪ unless you take one ♪ ♪ and the time ♪ ♪ to see the brighter side ♪ ♪ of every situation ♪ ♪ some things are meant to be ♪ ♪ so gimme your best ♪ ♪ and leave the rest to me ♪ ♪ leave it all to me ♪ ♪ (leave it all to me) ♪ ♪ leave it all to me ♪ ♪ just leave it all to me So, my name is Stu Vernman. I'm 16 years old, and I would love to work here at iCarly as an intern. Bye. But I've only been here for 20 seconds. Twenty too many. Let's go, st... But I didn't even get a chance. Get up. Come on. No, no, no. Could I at least finish the story about my baseball hat? No one cares about that. Come on. I would be perfect for this job. Yeah, yeah. We'll keep your resume on file. Do you have to be so obnoxious? You got to be more patient with these people. You can't just cut them off in the middle of... okay. Irony. Seriously, I'm obsessed with this Web show. And I would sincerely love to serve you in an internship capacity. Now, I don't know if you guys are into cotton swabs and white glue as much as I am t-t... get out of here! Carly. Dude. It's okay. This always happens. So in your email, you said you've done some video editing? Yeah, I'm pretty good with cutting room flow. Oh, nice. That's what I use to edit. Nice. Aw, nerd bonding. Sam. Nah, nah. It's cool. I definitely have my nerdy tech side. And you made this Fudge yourself? Yeah. I love making Fudge for people. Well, okay, Brad. We're just gonna talk it over and probably call you tomorrow. Okay. No rush. Thanks, guys. I'll show you to the door. Bye. Dude. Okay. He'd be a perfect intern for iCarly. I love that guy. Do we even need to meet anyone else? No. Oh, wait. There's still one more guy waiting outside. And on the day before I s started seventh grad, my dad said to me, he goes, "cort, you got to learn "how to tie your own shoes. It's important." And now, I could tie my own shoes without even thinking about it. Oh, yes. That is such a sweet story. You are so good lookin'. I was about to say that. Well... Thank you, cort. You can go now. Go where? Wherever you came from. We've already decided who we're gonna hire. We sure have. Congratulations, cort. What? Whoa. Wait, what's happening? You got the job. Sam? I did? Yeah. But what about Brad's Fudge? Remember the Fudge? Hey, cort. Are you a good dancer? The goodest. Oh, show us. Yeah. Whoo. Whoo. Yeah. Cort... excuse me, what are you doing? Oh, I'm Spencer shay. It's okay. I'm an artist. Yeah, I've heard of you. Awesome. I just need to setup this sculpture right here. I'm sorry but you can't do that. Listen. I made a deal with my grandad that if I don't get a sculpture displayed to this museum by this Friday that I'd go back to law school and I can't do that. Look, Spencer. I'm a fan of your work, and I'd love for you to be represented in this museum. Yay. But... oh... ... To get a sculpture in here, you have to fill out an application, have it examined and approved by the board of curators, get authorization from the... Uhhhh. How long does all that take? Three, maybe four months. No, no, no, no, no. Please. Just let me leave it here for a few days. I can't. But why... wait. What if I take you to dinner? Like a real date? That's gotta sound good to you. Roy! No Roy. Oh, God, Roy. Ow! You can't bring that in here. No. It's cool. It'll fit right in. I worked hard on it. iCarly goes live in 90 seconds. Hey! I brought you girls some lemonade. Aww. Thanks, cort. How sweet are you? You brought lemonade in a bag? Is that wrong. Well... no. It is not wrong. You leave cort alone. It's adorable. Whatever. Hey, cort, I need to see those notes you took. Oh, sure, bud. Got 'em right here on this pear pad. Cort, you wrote with a marker on my pear pad? Carly said I should use it to write notes on. This thing cost 800 bucks. Dude, that's insane. You can get these for a dollar. Oh, it hurts. 12 seconds to show. Hold my beverage bag? Sure thing. In 5, 4, 3, 2... One! Once upon a time, there was a Carly. Who met a wandering freak named Sam. And then, one day... The two girls drank from a filthy bucket... And thus was born... iCarly. Filthy bucket. I'm working. Ohhh. Okay. Gibby, get out here. Come on, Gibby. Whoo! Gibby! There he is. Yeah. We were wondering... How many baby peacock feathers can fit in Gibby's mouth? Even I wanna know. All right, Gibby... Open wide. Fill me with feathers. Okay, come on. Dude! What happened? Our genius intern just murdered my laptop. Are we still webcasting? No! We died! Look, I'll clean it up. You can't. Just... now, can we fire that artichoke? Maybe we should fire him. Yeah. I guess we should... You know, everyone deserves a second chance. Cort deserves unlimited chances. Yeah! Yeah! 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 99, 100. Yeah! Oh, good job, cort. See, I told you, you can jump and count at the same time. I just had to believe in myself. You guys wanna see me do it. No. Sit down. So, you guys got any iCarly stuff I should work on? Oh, yeah. Sam and I wrote up a list of things we need you to get for the show. Cool. Somethin' wrong? Uh, this first thing on this list, I don't know where to get a todo. No, sweetie. That says "to do." Oh. Knocker, knocker. Hey, Freddie. What up, Benson? How's it going? Who's your lady friend there? This is Ashley, a new intern I hired for iCarly. What? Ashley. Freddie, you can't just hire a new intern without our okay. You guys hired cort without my okay. Well, one intern is enough. It doesn't cost anything to hire Ashley. So what does it matter to you... Hey, Freddie. Someone left this purse lying around, is there a lost and found I should take it to? Uh, that's my purse. You must have been so worried. No. It was right there on my bed. I have a bed. Got one too. Rock on. What is goin' on here? Dude, you just hired that chick 'cause she's hot. You fire cort, I'll fire Ashley. Dude, am I gonna need to give you an attitude adjustment? Because I swear... Ow! What happened? She whacked me with an umbrella. He was touching your purse. I just wanted some fruit gum. Fruit gum, going on the todo list. Hey, Freddie. Hey. Hey, could you guys help me with the tripod? It's back over there in the back. There's our special guy. What's up, ladies? Hi. What you workin' on there? I'm just checkin' this thing out for Freddie. Aww. Hi. Hey, Ashley. Uh, um, whose baby is that? Oh. When I walked into the lobby, your gross doorman was talking to some lady, and this baby was just sitting in a stroller right behind her. So you just took the baby? Yeah. He's cute, like a monkey. Meow. Meow. You take the baby down to his mother. You, come with me. Oh, and what do I do? Nothing. Are you gonna fire that dumb intern? You mean, cort? You know who I mean. Your... that feminidiot. I'll fire my feminidiot when you fire your himbecile. Okay. That was clever word play. But I'm not firing cort because he is beautiful. Well, Ashley is super hot. This got bad fast. Hey! Hey, young man. How you doin'? No flash photography. Oh, sorry. Dude! What's up? Can you not read this sign? No flash photography. What the heck is wrong with you? I guess you gotta Chase me now. Are you supposed to be doing that? And then I say, "okay, next on iCarly before we shave Gibby." I'm back. Good. I'm starving. Where's our lunch? What do you mean? We told you to go get lunch. I did. It was yummy. So you didn't bring us any? Any what? Go sit on the floor over there. Yay! You need to fire her. But everyone deserves a second chance. Freddie, I'm... you guys fire cort. I'll fire Ashley. No deal. Cort's too pretty to fire. Let's just finish rehearsing. Scudder. It's time for a raw meat storm. Woo. Woo. Raw meat storm. Oh, let's test the meat drop. Cueing the meat. Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! The meat-eorologist was right yeah, it's a meat-eor storm. Yeah. Wait. There's no steak on this line. Or this one. Well, I put up all 12. Cort? You ate our props? Wasn't I supposed to? Oh, baby. They weren't cooked. You gotta fire that dude. And you'll fire Ashley? Wait a minute. Deal. But he's... it's time. I know. Spencer. Hi. Grandad. How was your drive? Oh fine. Just fine. So, is one of these sculptures really yours? Yes, sir. If you look right here. Gibby! No running in the museum. Yarrr! So if you'll look here... what's this? A super cool sculpture here in this reputable museum? But what's this placard say? I'm not wearing my glasses. I can't... the bottle bot, sculptured by Spencer shay. So that's what it says. Oh! And is there a placard around here that says. Spencer's going back to law school? I don't see one of those. I don't see it. Fine. You don't have to go back to law school. Yeah! In your face, you old scudder! Whoo! I love you. All right. All right. So, since we're here, should we look around a little bit, maybe see the... Spencer. I told you specifically that you weren't allowed... dierdre! Who's she? Grandad, please, a little privacy. I apologize. I had to do that. Just do it again. Yeah. I'm fired? Yeah. But we'll make sure you get full internship credit at your college. Oh. I got kicked out of college. What for? They said I was dangerously stupid. Yeah. Well, I guess I should go. Oh, wait. Before you go, we're gonna need our shirt back. That's not our shirt. Shh. Thank you. And I really appreciate you guys doing... Shley, you're fired too. Get out, Ashley. Thank you, Ashley. Glad to help. This was a really interesting experiment. I can definitely write about this as part of my sociology thesis. What did she just say? Ashley works at the brilliance bar in the pear store. You're intelligent? Top of my class at Seattle tech. Then why did you pretend to be a moron? So we would have to fire both our hot, yet stupid interns. You totally tricked us. That is correct. Later. Bye. Bye. I feel bad for cort. Why? 'Cause he's all dumb. We fired him. And we stole his shirt. Yeah. Well, maybe now at least... this is an elevator. I'm going home. All right. Here we go. Whoo. Okay, Benson. Let's do this thing. Just a sec. Wow. Whoo. Yeah. I'm getting bored. Sit down, boy. - Okay. You ready? - Ready. - You ready? - Call it. And go! Come on. Come on. Come on. - How long? - 3.2 seconds. Yeah! That's the longest it's ever taken you to beat me. Whoo! Congratulations. Dude. - Hey, Brad. - Hey, man. Hey, Brad. How's it going? Good to see you. So how you liking ridgeway? Good. Pretty cool so far. - Nice. - Awesome. Nice. So how are things workin' out with cort on iCarly? Oh. We had to fire cort. Yeah. Why? What happened? Oh, he just turned out to be... not the best. He was dangerously stupid. Seriously stupid. Well, hey, if you're still lookin' for some help with iCarly, I'd be happy to... You'd still wanna be our intern? Really? I'd love it. - Awesome. - Done. You're in. And you still make Fudge, right? Oh, yeah. I love making Fudge for people. In fact... ♪ Fudge ♪ oh. What? Look at that. ... Look at that. Okay. Dibs right there. That one's mine. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Oh, you gotta make a load of this stuff for the lock-in. Big load. Oh, yeah. What's a lock-in? Oh, every year at ridgeway, they have this thing where the students spend a whole Saturday night in school and we all finish our semester projects. Everyone pulls an all-nighter. Sounds cool. Yeah, it's kinda fun. Yeah, it's fun, unless you happen to fall asleep and Sam draws something on your forehead. What did she draw on your... you don't need to know. Would you forget about that already? I can't. You took pictures that'll live on the Internet forever. It wasn't that bad. Not that bad? Read the comments! It was a pretty accurate drawing. In 5, 4, 3, 2... ♪ I know, you see ♪ ♪ somehow the world ♪ ♪ will change for me ♪ ♪ and be so wonderful ♪ ♪ live life, breathe air ♪ ♪ I know somehow ♪ ♪ we're gonna get there ♪ ♪ and feel so wonderful ♪ ♪ it's all for real ♪ ♪ I'm telling you ♪ ♪ just how I feel ♪ ♪ so wake up the members ♪ ♪ of my nation ♪ ♪ it's your time to be ♪ ♪ there's no chance ♪ ♪ unless you take one ♪ ♪ and the time to see ♪ ♪ the brighter side ♪ ♪ of every situation ♪ ♪ some things are meant to be ♪ ♪ so give me your best ♪ ♪ and leave the rest to me ♪ ♪ leave it all to me ♪ ♪ (leave it all to me) ♪ ♪ leave it all to me ♪ ♪ just leave it all to me ♪ - Look at us. - Now, back at Gibby. - Now, back at us. - Now, back at Gibby. His hands are full of tuna fish salad. - Now, look down. - Back up. - Look out your window. - Think about cheese. Stop thinking about cheese. Your Web show isn't as good as this Web show. But your Web show can smell like this Web show. If you have a Gibby... Holding a large blob of tuna fish salad. I'm on a cow. - Now, before we go... - How about a hand for our newest addition to iCarly... A guy who helps us out for free... And makes top notch Fudge. Say hello to iCarly's new intern... Brad. Brad. Brad. Brad. Brad. Brad... like Brad, Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad. And so ends another edition of iCarly. I think we all learned a little something tonight. No, we didn't. Oh, that's right, we learned nothing. We wasted your time. - Bye. - Later. - Peace. - Nuggets. Kiss a hamster. Don't pet the sweaty stuff. Botswana. Botswana. Botswana. Bots-bots-botswana. And we are clear. Yeah. Whoo. Good show, guys. I like the little improvy thing. - Thanks. - So, did I do okay? Yeah, you were great. Oh, yeah. You, sir, are an excellent assistant. And Sam doesn't give out a lot of compliments. Usually, it's insults followed by beatings. Well, I'm psyched to be working with you guys. Hey, can I get the recipe for this tuna salad ball? Absolutely. Good. I love this. Hey, we should probably head back over to my place. Get some more work done on our project. Sure. Let me grab my stuff. All right. What's your project? We're making an app for the pearpad. Moodface, right? Uh-huh. You just stare at the pearpad's camera for five seconds and it'll tell you what your mood is. Really? That's so cool. Did you use chopped celery in this? Red onion. Clever. Hey, can I work with you guys on your project? You're asking if you can help us? Yeah. With a school project? I think it sounds really interesting. Feels like Sam. Smells like Sam. Can I help with the project or what? Sure. You can help. I'll bring the Fudge. I'll bring my mouth. - Hey. - Hey, kiddo. You wanna grab some dinner tonight? I thought you were hanging out with Sam? I was supposed to, but she's going to see a movie with Freddie and Brad. Sam wants to hang out with them? I know. Weird, right? Yeah. What's that for? Ah, the fire department sent us a letter saying we've reached our maximum number of calls for the year, so I bought this. - Nice. - Yeah. And I just fixed the nozzle to make it extra powerful. I'm gonna mount it on the wall over there. Seems like a good place to mount it. Thanks. Hey, so you know about this lock-in thing on Saturday night at ridgeway? We're all gonna try to finish our school projects. Na-huh. Well, Gibby and I are doing a kinda psychological experiment. Will you be our test subject? Hmm, I don't know. Saturday nights, I usually watch cops with socko's grandmother, and I really... come on. M'kay. Cool. Now, I need to show you how this works in case there's ever a fire and I'm not home. All right. Show me. All right. See that paper cup right there? I see the cup. Imagine I'm not home and that cup is on fire. You don't just go, "oh, I'm young girl at home "and there's a fire. Ahhhh. Now, what do I do?" Nope. You just pull this thingy, point the nozzle suchly and calmly squeeze this metal trigger! Oh my God. Cup on fire! A cup on fire! Now, what do we do? ! What do we do? ! Aaah! And then you just put the extinguisher back in its wall bracket. Attention, students. This is principal Franklin. It's now 9 P.M. , and all exterior school doors have been locked. If you get hungry during the night, you'll find a food cart in the main hallway. I wish you all good luck with your school projects. Oh, warning: If you fall asleep, the school is not responsible for anything that Sam puckett might draw on your foreheads. Study hard and prosper. So this is... A controlled sensory stimulus chamber. Whoa. I have no idea what that means. It's a box. Get in it. Whoa. Wait. Whoa, whoa. I wanna know what's gonna happen after I'm in there. Subject already being difficult. I'm not being difficult. I just wanna... hey, listen. You go in there. We lock the door, and then we're gonna test your reactions to different kinds of stimuli. Oh, stimuli. Oh. Okay. Go in there. Perfect. And locked. Give me the mic. Oh, and speaker on. Say that again? Why is there a mirror in here, and why can't I see out? It's one-way glass. So you can't see anything I'm doing. We can see you. You can't see us. Oh right, right. Okay, we're gonna start with various forms of stimulation. Just react as you normally would. Okay. Turn your mic off. Right. Okay, Gibby, let's start with something only mildly irritating. Play radio dingo to the speakers inside the chamber. Coming up. ♪ Ye-ah ♪ no, no, no, no, nope. No. Please turn this off. It's horrible. Turn it up. Increasing volume. Hey. It's too loud. Come on, guys. Turn it off. I don't like it. Kill his mic. Guys, come on. Turn that... And music off. And music on. ♪ It's your birthday ♪ ♪ Happy Birthday ♪ ♪ it's your birthday ♪ ♪ it's your birthday ♪ okay, tap the faces button. Okay. Okay. Just let me sync the emotions matrix. I'm back. Hey, Sam. Hey. Oh, I got your camera... thank you. ... Hard drive, cables, and I brought you guys some chips and fresh guacamole. Wow, that's awesome. Wait. Why'd you do that? What'd you put in the guac? Something to make us sleep? No. Then eat some. Just a sec. Okay, what's up with you? What do you mean? You have been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What's your game? No game. Why don't we get on with the project? Okay. - Okay? - Okay. - Okay? - Okay. Okay. So, is this baby ready for testing? Yup. Just sit on that chair and stare right into the pearpad. I do like sittin' and staring'. Go ahead and record. All right. Rolling. Okay, this is Freddie Benson proceeding with test number three of application moodface. Subject: Sam puckett. All right, Sam, just stare at the pearpad straight on and keep your head still. Yup. Can I move now? Uh, yeah. So what's her mood? Uh, it's, uh, it's inconclusive. - No reading? - It was working this morning. Yeah. I'm gonna see if Carly has any tissues. Okay, Spencer, we're moving on to our next experiment. - What is it? - It's not that bad. Then tell me what it is. Carly? Hey. Fire up the stink hose. Releasing the stink. Hey. What is that stuff? Oh, oh, it smells terrible. Oh my God, that smells horrible. It smells like... Carly. Oh, hey. How's your moodface project going? - Listen. - What's wrong? You know how we've been wondering what's up with Sam? Yeah. Why she's been wanting to hang with me and Brad all the time? Why she's been so nice to me and Brad? So what'd you find out? I just did an emotion test on her with our new app. And? Her mood... in love? With Brad? Uh-huh. Hey, Carly, check this out. I turned the stink up to 11. Sam's in love? 10:45 pm. - Sam. Sam. Sam. - Oh. Hey, Carls. - Hey. Ham? - Uh-huh. - Extra ham? - Uh-huh. - So how's your project going? - Good, I think. But I'm not sure 'cause Benson freaked and ran out the door a few minutes ago. - Oh. And how's Brad? - Brad's cool. Hmm. Would you say very cool? What, what do you mean? I know you love Brad. Admit you love him. I love ham. I'll admit that. You can't kiss and snuggle with ham. Oh, oh, ham. Sam. Excuse me. I have to turn my back on you now. Sam, I know you love Brad. It's exciting. Okay. Did you like fall out of a tree or what? You wanna know how I know you're in love with Brad? Sure. Please share. When Freddie tested his moodface app on you, it said "in love." Who says his app really works? Well, does it? No. Yes, it does. You know it does. It works good. I'm gonna go eat my ham in peace. You love the Brad. Boobity boobity boo. You can't bury your love in ham. I can try. She admit it? Denied. I figured. Eh, she's just a little awkward about liking guys. Oh, well. No, no, no. No. No "oh, well." We're gonna make this happen. Why? 'Cause Brad's awesome. It's the first time Sam's ever liked a guy who's not disgusting, or heavily tattooed, or on parole. But if Sam won't even admit that she likes him, how are we gonna get him... you've seen the animal channel... the... The horses? When they want two horses to, you know, date, they put 'em in the same barn together. Then they, like, turn the barn lights down and... you know what I'm talking about. Why are you making me say it? So we get Sam and Brad, take 'em to a barn... Stop it. This is important. Help me do this for Sam. All right. But if she gets mad at me... hey. Hey, Spencer puked a little bit. Please. Please, just clean it up. We have something really important to do. Come on. Sure. Always make Gibby clean the vomit out of the sensory stimulus chamber. So how did you learn to make Fudge? Oh, my great grandma taught me. She was a good woman, Brad. She's still alive. Even better. Hey, everyone. I just saw a two-headed frog out in the courtyard. Two heads. On a frog. Come on, I'll show you. Yes, follow Freddie. Go on. All right. Oh. Oh, wait. Don't go. Why not? We wanna see the two-headed frog. Freddie exaggerated the number of heads. I'm not coming back. Just a one-headed frog. Less impressive. Come on. I am starving. It wears the blindfold if it wants to be fed. Stop doing that accent. It's creeping me out. And give me some food. Put on the blindfold and we'll feed you. All right. Here's a bowl of chowder... all right. ... And a spoon. Are you sure we should do this? It's for science. So? What's science ever done for me? Artificial sweeteners, man on the moon, liquid soap. Okay. Put the chowder through the slot. All right. Okay, Spencer. Now just reach to your left and Gibby will hand you a bowl of chowder and a spoon. About time. Now push the button. Ah! Hey, what happened? What happened? I was... what did you do to my chowder? Electrocution curbs appetite. Oh. Carly Shay? Back in a sec. Might be more than a sec. What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Brad? That wasn't cool. What? I know the whole two-headed frog thing was just to get me alone with Brad. Yeah. I was hooking you up. I don't need you to hook me up. You love him. I don't love Brad. The pearpad said you do. It's a stupid computer app. You've been acting different. No, I haven't. Oh, come on. Lately, whenever Freddie and Brad do anything, all of a sudden you wanna tag along. Brad's so nice. He's polite. He's smart. He's got no warrants. Think of the fudgey good times you guys could have together. Don't you want a nice boyfriend? Go for it. Make a move. I just want you to be happy. Then bake me a pie. I love pie. Gibby. Yo, yo. Carly send you to find me? Nope. Oh, so you don't know we had a little argument. She told me about your little argument. I just said she didn't tell me to come find you. Good. But Carly's right. Groan all you want. I don't care what your stupid pearpad app says about me being in love. I'm not into Brad like that. Lately, every time I tell you that Brad and I are doing something together, you wanna come hang with us. And that means I'm in love with him? Well, you hate me. I never said I hate you. Yeah, you have, like 900 times. I still have the birthday card you gave me that says "happy birthday. I hate you. Hate, Sam." Just leeeeave. Fine. I'll leeeeave. Bye. But before gogo... that's it. Get out of here before I do a double fist-dance on your face. You can threaten your double-fist face dancing all you want, but Carly's still right. Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there 'cause you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't... - I... - Sorry. It's cool. Oh, good. You're up. It is such a beautiful day. Let's go have brunch somewhere outside where I can wear my new sunglasses, huh? Ew, gross! What happened to you? I don't feel good. I'm hot. Now I'm cold. Oh, no. And we have that concert tonight. I know, but, honey, that's the furthest thing from my mind, okay? Why me? ! We had amazing seats for Lady Gaga, and he gets sick. I'd been looking forward to that concert for months. It's the one gay cliché I allow myself. No more fighting! For the rest of your lives, you are not allowed to yell at each other. - But you're allowed to yell at us? - Yes, Alex, I am, because I feed you and I clothe you and I pay the mortgage. Pretty sure old dad deserves a shout-out right about now. Phil! Sorry. Should've taken the temperature of the room first. What's up? Well, I'm dealing with a lot of high dr-- Haley: Luke and Manny barged into our room while we were changing, the little pervs! Can I just say, in Europe this would be no big deal. Yeah. You can see me in my underwear whenever you want. Here, I'll make it even. - No, hey, Luke, Luke, Luke! - Alex: Mom! Luke, keep your pants on, okay? ! And, girls, stop getting so hysterical over everything! Come on! Now, grow up a little! I need things to start changing around here, or I will change things, okay? There will be no more TV and no Internet and no whatever else I can think of. May I have a word with you, Phil? I'd rather not. What was that? - Nothing. - Phil, you sold me out behind my back. No! It's just that sometimes you can get a little intense, and I feel like I need to swoop in to let the kids know they're still loved. I could kick you. Honey, these are just the parts that we're playing. Am I wrong, or has it been working? I feel like it's been working. I'm tired of being the bad cop. You need to discipline them sometime and let me swoop in with all the love. Shouldn't we just stick with the stuff we're good at? Oh, my God! This bathroom is disgusting! The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time, Phil. You handle it. I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards. What was good about Luke's report card? He didn't lose it. Let me take them. Yes, let me take them. You stay here. Hound the girls about cleaning up this mess, and I will take Luke to do something fun. But... I want to go go-karting. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. This is happening. Boys! Hey, guys, guess who's taking you go-karting today. Me. Why? Are we in trouble? No! You're not in trouble. Today's just all about having fun! And you know what? Go-karting's just the beginning. What else are we doing? Whatever you want. - I want to bring dad. - Well, tough. You can't. He's doing something else. Goodbye. We will be back in a few hours. Oh, whoa! Where you guys going? I am taking Alex to the movies, and then I'm going to the mall. How fun! That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Phil? I'm not much of a shopper, but it would depend on - clean bathroom. - Oh. Uh... Girls... How about you clean your bathroom before you go, huh? It'd really help your mom out. Oh, no. It's not about what mom wants. You mom is cool, very cool with whatever. It's about what dad wants. Dad wants to go go-karting. I would really like it if you would clean your bathroom. - But my movie! - Why do we have to do it now? Because Claire says so. Because I say so. And because I'm your dad. And I'm older than you, and I call the shots around here. - Right? - Yes, you do. This is so unfair! Come on, guys, let's go have some fun! - Ow! You're hurting me. - Oh, you're fine! Have fun, guys. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! So... how does this usually start? Good morning, Mr. Pritchett. How you doing, sport? I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray looking for work, money, you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her. Hey, a dog. That's new. That was Mr. Pritchett. Oh, Jay, there you are. Come. I want to introduce you to Guillermo. Just met him. Really hit it off. Honey, keep it under a hundred bucks, you don't even have to tell me. - I'm going golfing. - No, señor! He's a very nice man that works at the grocery store and needs a little bit of business advice. Oh, why didn't you say so? I thought he was just some nut who lived behind the dry cleaner's. Oh, that's the guy we bought corrective shoes for last month. Jay, he knows how successful you are, and all he wants is an hour of your t-- half-hour. 10 minutes. I promise him! Honey, I love you, but why do you drag me into these things? You've got to learn to say no to people. Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now. Other people. All I want is, when I go to bed at night, to be laying next to a man that is generous and giving. And that man doesn't necessarily need to be you. Okay, let's do this. Okay. Guillermo! Do you want me to move the waste basket closer to you? - Oh, no. It's fine where it is. - Really? 'Cause the bed kind of looks like a rose parade float. Thank you for taking care of me. Well, what else would I be doing? Um, seeing Lady Gaga, that's what. So, uh, Cam, you know, I hate to bring this up, but what are we gonna do about that concert? What do you mean? Well, you know, we were both looking forward to going. You were looking forward to going. I was really looking forward to going. And I just - - I-I hate to see those tickets go to waste. I know, I know. But what are our options? We could both go to the concert. That's not gonna happen. Uh, well, we could sell the tickets online. Oh. But there's that Craigslist Killer. Oh, what to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? Other options, other options. Mitchell, are you hinting that you want to go to that concert without me? No! No! Not in a million years! But that's very sweet of you to offer. I didn't offer. Oh, really? 'Cause that just seems like something that you would say -- "You go, I'll be fine. You spent all the money on the tickets, and I'm just gonna lie in bed anyways." That's classic Cam. - I'm just so weak. - Okay, good. You know what? It's settled. We're just gonna put this whole "you insisting I go to the concert without you" thing behind us. You know what? What? Can I get one of my little pudding cups? Yes, you can. Yes. You eat the pudding, and I'll eat the tickets. Thank you for your time, Mr. Pritchett, but after you hearing my presentation, you will be thanking me. Well, you've got confidence. I admire that. He admires that, Guillermo. You're doing great. Keep going. Are you aware that last year, Americans spent $40 billion on dog training? Well, that's not true. I was surprised as you are. No, you were surprised because it's not true. Shh! Go on, guillermo. What is this multibillion-dollar industry missing? Multibillion dollars. I have devised a revolutionary way to communicate -- Listen, I hate to interrupt your big pitch, but your dog is chewing my pillow. This is fantastic. It's not fantastic for my pillow. It's a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate the Good Doggie Bad Doggie training system. - We're in! - Wait, slow down. What are we gonna do about the pillow situation? Watch, and be amazed. Stella here is being a bad doggie. Stella, let go. Bad dog, bad dog. Bad dog. And what does a bad dog get? A bad-doggie treat. Wait a minute. You give her a treat for doing something bad? Ah, a bad-doggie treat. When she is good, she gets the good-doggie treat. Brilliant! We're going to be rich! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the difference between a bad-doggie treat and the good-doggie treat? Bacon. The bad-doggie treat is very bland. But she seems like she likes it. Wait till you see the good-doggie treat. Stella, sit. Now a good-doggie treat. Okay, uh, she's still full from the bad-doggie treat. But there you have it -- the Good Doggie Bad Doggie training system. Welcome to the ground floor. Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor. Quick, quick, give he a bad-doggie treat! Hello? Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time? No, I'm just in the car. Okay, I'm having a moral dilemma. We have tickets for Lady Gaga tonight, but Cam's sick. I'll take them. Wait, you don't even like concerts. Yes, I do. I'm fun now. Claire, they said we have to be at least 13 to ride the fast ones. They're 13. It's fine. This is very confusing. At movie theaters, she says I'm 11. - Can we get back to me? - What? Does it make me a horrible person that I kind of want to go without him? Well, how sick is he? I don't know. He's sick. You know, they're not gonna make a lifetime movie about him. Well, what's he like when you're sick? Cam, I think I can walk to the kitchen. He's okay. You should go. You know what I learned today? You can't wait around for somebody to give you something you want. Sometimes you just have to take it. Oh, I'm gonna feel so guilty, though. You'll resent him if you stay. So, how about this -- you stay home and take care of him -- soup, foot rubs, - you blow his nose. - Ew. He's so lucky to have you. And then tonight, right before the concert, you say, "Cam, I love you, but I really want to go." He'll say fine. You drop Lily off at our house, and it's great. Drivers, start your engines. I'm putting you on speaker. What are you doing? Making my kids love me! Drivers, ready. Three, two, one! You're going down, Delgado! - Like this! - Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey. We're finished cleaning the bathroom. We're leaving. See? That didn't take too long. Thank you, girls. Now, go and have a good time, all right? Bye. See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire -- if you want intense family drama, rent "Spy Kids." They save their parents' lives. You think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time? Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back h-- Got to fix that step. Girls! Did he just yell? Drive! I'm trying! You girls get back here right now! - Pretend you don't hear him. - I know you can hear me! Oh, my God, he's heading straight for the car! - Oh, my God! Aah! - Aah! Stop this car! - We're sorry, dad! - We couldn't hear you! No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him! In closing, the only real question is, after you invest in Good Doggie Bad Doggie, how will we spend all our money? In handbags! No, vacation! I know! A home gym! All right, Guillermo, your ambition is infectious. Clearly my wife needs to be inoculated. But I'm gonna be blunt. - Ay, no, no, you're not going to -- - Yes, I am. Now, you wanted my honest business advice, right? - Very much. - Here it is. Your idea is not good. No, what Jay means is that when -- No, what I mean is it stinks. Now, that's nothing against you. You've got charm, you've got ambition, and that's great. What you need is a better idea. But I don't have a better idea. Any idea would be a better idea. Your honesty is refreshing. Gracias. Ay, you made him cry. He's not crying. You're not crying, are you? No. A little. It's just five years of my life are for nothing. Five? Five years? Ay, Guillermo, I'm sorry. Why don't you stay for lunch? And -- and we can all brainstorm your next idea. Really? Thank you, Gloria. I go put Stella in the car. I don't want her ruining any more of your beautiful things. Gracias. Bad dog. Why were you so tough with him? He's very sensitive. Did you think that was a good idea? Of course not! But I'm nice, and I put on the sugar jacket. Sugar coating is not gonna help him. He needed to hear what I said to him, even if it hurt a little bit. He's gonna thank me one day. Ay! Guillermo! Now I have to apologize. Accepted. Not to you! What are you gonna get, Luke? I want a cheeseburger. Yeah! And I can't decide between French fries or onion rings. Get them both! How about you, Manny? Um, do you have a skinless grilled chicken breast? What, are you going to the ball, Cinderella? Live a little. I know Claire was trying to be fun, but that crossed the line. Anything else? Who wants a milkshake? Milkshake? Milkshake? Three milkshakes. I didn't really want a milkshake. But after what she said to Manny, I didn't want to risk it. Mom, I don't feel good. Did you finish your milkshake? I think that was the problem. Look who's a doctor now. Maybe it was the pie. Oh, he's fine. Hey. Hey, who likes roller coasters? I need a bag. No. No, you're not gonna be sick, Luke. We're having fun. Okay. No, I really need a bag. Take the lid off the cup. I'm starving. Me too. Say something. Um, dad? We haven't had lunch yet. Neither have half the kids in Africa. Stop yapping and get back to work. Why is he taping our laptops shut? Because he's out of his mind. I'm not out of my mind! You took advantage, and you lost your computer privileges. Oh, come on, dad. We said we're sorry. Plus I can't get the stupid drain unclogged, anyway. Stick that hanger down there. Ew, no! Well, it's either that or we cut off all your hair, 'cause that's what caused the problem -- thoughts? Good, because after you finish this room, you're gonna clean my bathroom, too, and you know how gross I can be. - Dad! - No! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! - Ew! Gross! - All right. Oh! - Aah! - Settle down. It's hair. Oh, my God. I'm not cut out for this. I spent all day nursing Cam. Ohh. Hey, could you do the right one now? - You mean the one we started with? - Sure. I made soup. I made tea. Finally, it was the moment of truth. Cam, you know, I was thinking that... Cam, you can say no, but I was thinking about maybe going to that concert. Thank you. You're the best. I love you. Hey, you're back. What happened with your friend? He's fine. You were right. He did appreciate your honesty. How about that? He's gonna make big changes to his life. Good. He's going back to school. That means he has to go back to live with his sister, so that means that he had to get rid of the dog. But he's so much more realistic now. - See that? - Mm. And there's a lesson in there for you, too, 'cause sometimes things go better when you just say no. No, no, no. What did you do? Ay! He was going to take her to the pound. But that's his business. - Ay, but look at her little face! - No. You don't even want a dog. I know. I have a problem. Oh, crap, that's Manny. If he sees the dog, it's all over. - I go lock the door. - Oh, and that's the solution? Manny sleeps in the backyard till the dog dies of old age? Hey, guys. I'm home. Boy, I think Claire's working through some stuff, because -- Oh, my gosh! You got me a dog because of my perfect report card? Gloria? Sorry, papi, no. The dog lives somewhere else, which is where she's going right now. - Text me the address. - Okay. Can I at least take a moment with her to tell her goodbye? Tell her goodbye? You just met her. I'm so sorry. Luke, honey, come back. I said I was sorry. I'm 12. I need limits! What happened? Oh, I made them drive too fast and eat like vikings, and then Luke threw up all over the car. I got to go clean that up. No, you don't. Girls! Grab your buckets and meet me by the car! They don't have to do that. They do if I say so. I'm sorry. I swear I just told you to grab your buckets! - We haven't eaten all day. - We're hungry. Well, you won't be in a minute. Honey, you haven't fed them all day? They're monsters, Claire -- Deceitful, manipulative monsters -- and they need to be broken. He's crazy! You know what? ! Mom's the crazy one! She ran over my hand. We were having fun! Girls, go to the kitchen. Get something to eat. Oh! Phil, honey, this isn't working. Listen to me. You are not a good bad cop, and I am a very bad good cop. We need things to go back to the way they were. Yeah. Yeah. - I feel really shaky. - Mm-hmm. I don't like being you. Nobody does. Going somewhere? Cam! You're up. Didn't count on that, did you? Are you dropping Lily off at your sister's, or is she taking my ticket? Okay, first of all, how are you standing? You drank enough of that cough syrup to put down a grizzly. I'll tell you what's grisly. That is your behavior. Well, it's just a good thing I'm finding out now, instead of when I'm old and sick and really need you. Better start saving for some sort of home-healthcare plan, 'cause I'd hate for my broken hip and subsequent pneumonia to interfere with your evening plans. Okay, Cam, no, you're right. You're right. I have no defense. I am terrible. And the thing is, I knew I was terrible, and I was going anyway. I think maybe I tried to justify it by saying we're two different people. And you're more of a caregiver, and I have... other strengths. And that's what makes us such a good couple, you know? But... No, no. It's a cop-out. And I've been very selfish, and I need to do better, and I will. I swear on Lily's diaper bag. Ah, wow. Ah, no place to go but up, huh? Don't look at me like that. We all got problems. This ain't gonna work, sweetie. That look ain't gonna work on me. Come on. Come on. Let's go. I know it's old-fashioned, but I like a strong man, a man that can say no when I can't. - Oh! - Not a word. Ay, yes! But instead, I have Jay. I'm strong. But look at this face. Maybe we are the way we are because of the people we're with. Or maybe we just pick the people we need. However it works, when you find each other, you should never let go. Do you two need some time alone? Oh. Well... I must've dozed off. Yeah, you were out for quite a while. What have you been up to? I've just been sitting here, watching you. Well I'm gonna go to bed. Okay. Thanks for staying home with me. Well, you know, in sickness and in health, right? You're still blinking, sweetie. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. Well, this is -- this is funny. I'm gonna tell you the funny thing about why this is, um -- this is on. Oh, good. You're up. It is such a beautiful day. Let's go have brunch somewhere outside where I can wear my new sunglasses. Ew, gross! What happened to you? I don't feel good. I'm hot. Now I'm cold. Oh, no. And we have that concert tonight. I know, but, honey, that's the furthest thing from my mind, okay? [ Coughing ] [Mitchell] Why me? We had amazing seats for Lady Gaga, and he gets sick. I've been looking forward to that concert for months. It's the one gay cliché I allow myself. ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪♪ - [ Kids Shouting, Arguing] - [ Claire ] Okay, that's it! No more fighting! No more fighting! For the rest of your lives, you are not allowed to yell at each other. But you're allowed to yell at us? Yes, Alex, I am. Because I feed you and I clothe you and I pay the mortgage. Whoa! Pretty sure old Dad deserves a shout-out right about now. - Phil! - Sorry. Should've taken the temperature of the room first. What's up? - I'm dealing with a lot- - Luke and Manny barged into our room... while we were changing- the little pervs. Can I just say, in Europe, this would be no big deal. [ Luke] Yeah. You can see me in my underwear whenever you want. Here. I'll make it even. - No. Hey, Luke! Luke! Luke! Luke! - [Alex, Haley Shrieking ] Keep your pants on! Girls! Stop getting so hysterical over everything! Come on! Now grow up a little. [ Mouthing Words] I need things to start changing around here, or I will change things, okay? There will be no more TV and no Internet... and no whatever else I can think of. May I have a word with you, Phil? I'd rather not. What was that? Nothing. - Phil. You sold me out behind my back. - No! It's just that sometimes you can get a little intense. I feel like I need to swoop in to let the kids know they're still loved. I could kick you. Honey, these are just the parts that we're playing. Am I wrong, or has it been working? I feel like it's been working. I am tired of being the bad cop. You need to discipline them sometime and let me swoop in with all the love. Shouldn't we stick with the stuff we're good at? Oh, my God. This bathroom is disgusting. The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time. You handle it. I would, but I promised Luke and Manny... I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards. What was good about Luke's report card? He didn't lose it. Let me take them. Yes, let me take them. You stay here, hound the girls about cleaning up this mess, and I will take Luke to do something fun. But... I want to go go-karting. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. This is happening. Boys. Hey, guys, guess who's taking you go-karting today. Me. Why? Are we in trouble? No. You're not in trouble. Today's just all about having fun. And you know what? Go-karting's just the beginning. - What else are we doing? - Whatever you want. I want to bring Dad. Well, tough. You can't. He's doing something else. Good-bye. We will be back in a few hours. Whoa, whoa. Where are you guys going? I am taking Alex to the movies, and then I'm going to the mall. Oh, fun. That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Phil? I'm not much of a shopper, but it would depend on- [Whispering ] Clean the bathroom. Oh. Uh, girls, how about... you clean your bathroom before you go? It'd really help your mom out. Oh, no. it's not about what Mom wants. Your mom is cool, very cool with whatever. It's about what Dad wants. Dad wants to go go-karting. I would really like it if you would clean your bathroom. But my movie - Why do we have to do it now? Because Claire says so. Because I say so and because I'm your dad... and I'm older than you... and I call the shots around here. Right? Yes, you do. This is so unfair. Come on, guys. Let's go have some fun. OW! You're hurting me. Aw, you're fine. OW! [ Phil] Have fun, guys. Let's go, let's go! Ow! So... how does this usually start? [ Scoffs ] - Good morning, Mr. Pritchett. - How ya doin', sport? I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray... looking for work, money- you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her. [Yips] Hey, a dog. That's new. That was Mr. Pritchett. Oh, Jay, there you are. Come. I want to introduce you to Guillermo. Just met him. Really hit it off. Keep it under a hundred bucks. You don't have to tell me. I'm going golfing. No, senor. He's a very nice man that works at the grocery store... and needs a little bit of business advice. Why didn't you say so? I thought he was just some nut who lived behind the dry cleaners. Oh. That's the guy we bought corrective shoes for last month. Jay, he knows how successful you are, and all he wants is an hour of your time- half hour. Ten minutes! I promise him. Honey, I love you, but why do you drag me into these things? You've got to learn to say no to people. Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now. Other people. All I want is, when I go to bed at night, to be laying next to a man that is generous and giving. And that man doesn't necessarily needs to be you. Okay, let's do this. Okay. Guillermo! [Cameron Coughing ] Do you want me to move the wastebasket closer to you? Oh, no. it's fine where it is. Really? 'Cause the bed kinda looks like a Rose Parade float. Thank you for taking care of me. Well, what else would I be doing? Um, seeing Lady Gaga. That's what. So, uh, Cam, you know, I hate to bring this up, but what are we gonna do about that concert? What do you mean? Well, we were both looking forward to going. You were looking forward to going. I was really looking forward to going. And I - I hate to see those tickets go to waste. I know, I know. [Sighs] But what are our options? We could both go to the concert- [ Coughing ] but that's not gonna happen. Uh, or we could sell the tickets online. Oh, but there's that Craigslist killer. Oh, what to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What are the options- other options? Mitchell, are you hinting that you want to go to that concert without me? What? No. No. Not in a million years, but- [ Chuckles ] that's very sweet of you to offer. I didn't offer. Oh, really? 'Cause that just seems like something that you would say. "You go. I'll be fine. You spent all the money on the tickets, and I'm just gonna lie in bed anyways." That's classic Cam. I'm just so weak. Good. You know what? It's settled. We're gonna put this whole "you insisting I go to the concert without you" thing behind us. - You know what? - What? Can I get one of my little pudding cups? Yes, you can. Yes. You eat the pudding, and I'll eat the tickets. Thank you for your time, Mr. Pritchett. But after you hearing my presentation, you will be thanking me. You've got confidence. I admire that. He admires that, Guillermo. You're doing great. Keep going. Are you aware that, last year, Americans spent $40 billion on dog training? Well, that's not true. I was as surprised as you are. No, you were surprised because it's not true. Shh. Go on, Guillermo. What is this multibillion-dollar industry missing? Multibillion dollars. I have devised a revolutionary way to communicate- Listen, I hate to interrupt your big pitch, but your dog is chewing my pillow. - This is fantastic. - It's not fantastic for my pillow. It's the perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate... the Good Doggy-Bad Doggy Training System. We're in! Slow down. What are we gonna do about the pillow situation? Watch and be amazed. Stella here is being a bad doggy. [ Growling ] Stella, let go! Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog. [Whimpers ] And what does a bad dog get? A bad-doggy treat. You give her a treat for doing something bad? A bad-doggy treat. When she is good, she gets the good-doggy treat. Brilliant! We're going to be rich! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the difference... between a bad-doggy treat and the good-doggy treat? Bacon. The bad-doggy treat is very bland. But she seems like she likes it. Wait till you see the good-doggy treat. Stella, sit. Now a good-doggy treat. [ Sniffing, Whimpers] Stella. She still full from the bad-doggy treat. But there you have it. The Good Doggy-Bad Doggy Training System! [ Laughing] Welcome to the ground floor. Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor. Quick! Quick! Give her a bad-doggy treat! [ Claire ] Hello ? Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time? No. I'm just in the car. I'm having a moral dilemma. We have tickets for Lady Gaga tonight, but Cam's sick. - I'll take them. - You don't even like concerts. Yes, I do. I'm fun now. Claire, they said we have to be at least 13 to ride the fast ones. They're 13. It's fine. [Laughs] This is very confusing. At movie theaters, she says I'm 11. Can we get back to me? What? Does it make me a horrible person? I kind of want to go without him. - Well, how sick is he? - I don't know. He's sick. They're not gonna make a Lifetime movie about him. What's he like when you're sick? Cam, I think I can walk to the kitchen. Shh. [Coughs] He's okay. You should go. You know what I learned today? You can't wait around for somebody to give you something you want. Sometimes you just have to take it. Aw, I'm gonna feel so guilty though. You'll resent him if you stay. Okay. How about this? You stay home and take care of him- soup, foot rubs, you blow his nose. Em He's so lucky to have you. And then tonight, right before the concert, you say, "Cam, I love you, but I really want to go." He'll say fine, you drop Lily off at our house, and it's great. [Man On P.A. ] Drivers, start your engines. I'm putting you on speaker. What are you doing? Making my kids love me! Drivers, ready Three, two, one! [ Buzzer Buzzes ] You're goin' down, Delgado- like this! Oh! Oh! Oh! [ Laughing] Whoo! Hey. We're finished cleaning the bathroom. We're leaving. See? That didn't take too long. Thank you, girls. Now go and have a good time, all right? Bye. See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire. If you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids. They saved their parents' lives. You think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time? [Water Dripping ] Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back- Gotta fix that step. - Girls! - Did he just yell? Drive! I'm trying! You girls get back here right now! [Alex] Pretend you don't hear him. I know you can hear me! Oh, my God! He's coming towards the car! Oh, my God! [ Both Screaming ] Stop this car! We're sorry, Dad. We couldn't hear you! No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him! In closing, the only real question is- after you invest in Good Doggy-Bad Doggy- how will we spend all our money? In handbags! No. Vacation! Ay, no. A home gym! All right. Guillermo, your ambition is infectious. Clearly, my wife needs to be inoculated. But I'm gonna be blunt. Ay no, no. You're not going to. Yes, I am. Now, you wanted my honest business advice, right? Very much. Here it is. Your idea is not good. Oh. No, what Jay means is that- What I mean is it stinks. That's nothing against you. You've got charm, you've got ambition, and that's great. What you need is a better idea. But I don't have a better idea. Any idea would be a better idea. Your honesty is refreshing. Gracias. Now you made him cry. He's not crying. You're not crying, are you? [Crying ] No. A little. It's just - Five years of my life are for nothing. Five? Five years? Ay Guillermo, I'm sorry. Why don't you stay for lunch... and we can all brainstorm your next idea. Really? Thank you, Gloria. I go put Stella in the car. I don't want to ruin any more of your beautiful things. Gracias. Bad dog. [Whimpers ] Why were you so tough with him? - He's very sensitive. - Did you think that was a good idea? Of course not, but I'm nice... and I put on the sugar jacket. Sugarcoating is not gonna help him. He needed to hear what I said to him, even if it hurt a little bit. He's gonna thank me one day. [ Engine Starts ] ¡Ay! ¡Guillermo! - Now I have to apologize. - Accepted. Not to you! [ Claire ] What are you gonna get, Luke? I want a cheeseburger. Yeah! And I can't decide between french fries or onion rings. Get 'em both! How about you, Manny? Um, do you have a skinless, grilled chicken breast? What, are you going to the ball, Cinderella? Live a little. I know Claire was trying to be fun, but that crossed the line. Anything else? Who wants a milk shake? Milk shake, milk shake. Three milk shakes. [ Luke ] I didn't really want a milk shake. But after what she said to Manny, I didn't want to risk it. Mom, I don't feel good. Did you finish your milk shake? I think that was the problem. Look who's a doctor now. - Maybe it was the pie. - Oh, he's fine. Hey. Hey! Who likes roller coasters? I need a bag. No. No, you're not gonna be sick, Luke. We're having fun. Okay. No, I really need a bag. Take the lid off the cup. [Tape Ripping ] [Whimpering ] I'm starving. Me too. Say something. Um, Dad? We haven't had lunch yet. Neither have half the kids in Africa. Stop yapping and get back to work. Why is he taping our laptop shut? [Whispering ] Because he's out of his mind. I'm not out of my mind! You took advantage and you lost your computer privileges. Come on, Dad. We said we're sorry. Plus I can't get this stupid drain unclogged anyways. - Stick that hanger down there. - Ew! No! It's either that or we cut off all your hair, 'cause that's what caused the problem. Thoughts? [ Sighs ] Good. 'Cause after you finish this room, you're gonna clean my bathroom too. - And you know how gross I can be. - [ Both Whimpering] Oh, my gosh. [Whimpering] Oh, my gosh! Ew! Gross! All right. [ Shrieking ] Settle down. It's hair. [ Shrieking Continues] Oh, my God! [ Crying ] I'm not cut out for this. I spent all day nursing Cam. Oh. Okay, could you do the right one now? You mean the one we started with? Sure. [Sighing] Oh! I made soup. I made tea. Finally, it was the moment of truth. Cam, you know, I was thinking that- [Snoring Quietly] [Whispering ] Cam, you can say no, but I was thinking about maybe going to that concert. Thank you. You're the best. I love you. Hey, you're back. What happened with your friend? He's fine. You were right. He did appreciate your honesty. How about that? He's gonna make big changes to his life. Good. He's going back to school. That means he has to go back to live with his sister, so that means that he had to get rid of the dog. But he's so much more realistic now. See that? Mmm. And there's a lesson in there for you too. 'Cause sometimes things go better when you just say no. [ Stella Barks ] No,no,no. What did you do? Ay He was going to take her to the pound. That's his business. Ay But look at her little face. No. You don't even want a dog. I know. I have a problem. [ Vehicle Approaching ] Oh, crap. That's Manny. If he sees the dog, it's all over. I go lock the door. And that's the solution - Manny sleeps in the backyard till the dog dies of old age? [ Door Closes ] Hey, guys, I'm home. Boy, I think Claire's working through some stuff because- Oh, my gosh! You got me a dog because of my perfect report card? Gloria. [ Exhales ] Sorry, papi. No. The dog lives somewhere else, which is where she's going right now. Text me the address. Okay. Can I at least take a moment with her to tell her good-bye? Tell her good-bye? You just met her. I'm so sorry. Luke, honey, come back. I said I was sorry. I'm 12. I need limits. - What happened? - I made them drive too fast and eat like Vikings. And then Luke threw up all over the car. I gotta go clean that up. No, you don't. Girls! Grab your buckets and meet me by the car. They don't have to do that. They do if I say so. I'm sorry. I swear I just told you to grab your buckets! - [Alex, Whimpering ] We haven't eaten all day. - We're hungry. You won't be in a minute. Honey, you haven't fed them all day? They're monsters, Claire- deceitful, manipulative monsters. And they need to be broken. He's crazy. You know what? Mom's the crazy one. She ran over my hand. We were having fun. Girls, go to the kitchen. Get something to eat. Phil, honey, this isn't working. Listen to me. You are not a good bad cop, and I'm a very bad good cop. We need things to go back to the way they were. Yeah. Yeah. I feel really shaky. Mm-hmm. I don't like being you. Oh. Nobody does. [ Cam ] Going somewhere? Cam. You're up. Didn't count on that, did you? You dropping Lily off at your sister's, or is she taking my ticket? Okay, first of all, how are you standing? You drank enough of that cough syrup to put down a grizzly. I'll tell you what's grisly. That is your behavior. Well, it's just a good thing I'm finding out now, instead of when I'm old and sick and really need you. Better start saving for some sort of home health care plan, because I'd hate for my broken hip and subsequent pneumonia... to interfere with your evening plans. [ Coughing ] Okay, Cam. No, you're right. You're right. I have no defense. I am terrible. And the thing is I knew I was terrible, and I was going anyway. I think maybe I tried to justify it... by saying we're two different people. And you're more of a caregiver, and I have... other strengths. And that's what makes us such a good couple, you know? But- No, no. It's a cop-out. I've been very selfish, And I need to do better, and I will. - I swear on Lily's- - [ Snoring ] diaper bag. [Snoring Continues] [Dog Barking In Distance ] [ Siren Wailing In Distance ] Ah. Wow. No place to go but up, huh? Don't look at me like that. We all got problems. [Whimpers ] This ain't gonna work, sweetie. That look ain't gonna work on me. Come on. Come on. Let's go. I know it's old-fashioned, but I like a strong man- a man that can say no when I can't. [ Door Opens ] [ Door Closes ] Oh. Not a word. Oh, yes! But instead, I have Jay. I'm strong, but look at this face. Mmm! [ Gloria ] Maybe we are the way we are... because of the people we're with. Shh. Or maybe we just pick the people we need. However it works, when you find each other, you should never let go. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Do you two need some time alone? [Chuckling] Oh. Wow. I must have dozed off. Yeah. You were out for quite a while. What have you been up to? I've just been sitting here watching you. Mmm. Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Okay. [ Kisses ] Thanks for staying home with me. Well, you know- in sickness and in health. Right? You're still blinking, sweetie. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. [ Forced Laugh ] Oh. Oh, this is funny. I'm gonna tell you the funny thing about why this is on. This is oh. English - US - PSDH Level nine. You must be Mr. Groves. Lieutenant. Follow me closely. We're quite a ways down, huh? Well, what's in the other eight levels above us? Nothing. Have you actually seen it... the apparition? I'm not authorized to share that information. But I obviously know about it. That's why I'm here. Best speak to Major Lester. Okay. It's just to me this is kind of a big deal. But I thought I paid extra for the penthouse. Someone will come and take you to see the major. Wait, can I get my phone back once it's been checked out? It's been confiscated for the duration of your stay. For the whole 10 days? But I need to make daily reports to Minister McGillis. You'll be permitted to make monitored phone calls through the approved channels. Oh, hi. Hi. - I'm... do you want...? - It's all right. I'm Hayley Sands. I'm Justin. You're the... - New advisor. - Yeah yeah. - Are you ready to go or...? - Yeah. Right... you want to go now? - Yeah, if you can. - Okay, um... You're so lucky to be from Australia. Yeah, I spent some time in Melbourne, but... a couple of weeks. It was amazing. Oh, I'm actually from Melbourne. - Are you really? - Yeah yeah yeah. God, I love New York, but I always felt that, like, Melbourne was the kind of place I'd want to grow up. - Really? - Yeah. Why? I just felt like people like me would get better accepted out there. Right, people like you. Oh, don't worry. It's the E.M. Some of us still use earplugs. - Are you cool or...? - Yeah. E.M... You mean electromagnetic fields? Yeah, but reverse E.M. The whole building's soaked in it as a safety measure. Reverse E.M.? That makes sense. Ghosts manifest themselves in our world through E.M. energy. Yeah, my line manager Brandon says we're all haunted beef. Wow, I can't wait to meet him. The most intense rev E.M. is on this level, in the enclosure wires. The enclosure? That's where the entity lives? And where it stays. Major Lester, this is... I'm Hayley Sands. We're a little busy, Miss Sands. Of course. Well, I'm here to help however I can. I see you talk to ghosts... with limited success. I've had extensive firsthand experience with paranormal events. Frankly, Miss Sands, I doubt you'll be able to help us. You see, you are Whitehall's token gesture. And you may as well be an aromatherapist or a reader of tea leaves. Still, my hands are tied. So I will grant you limited access to this project. But I don't have time to waste. Simplicity is key. You understand? Any questions? So many you wouldn't believe. Well, then we'd best get some of them out of the way. Play it. Yeah. Is that the entity moving around? No, it's concentrated reverse E.M. It stops the entity from getting out. It's really happening. The footage was taken seven months ago, shortly after the entity was captured. We've not seen or heard it since. So you don't know what it is, male or female? The gender is hardly relevant. It's an asset. Okay. Well, how do you know it's still in there? Uh, we get small signs now and again... peaks in E.M., temperature fluctuations. And we put specimens in there each week. Specimens? Yeah, mice. What happens to them? Um, they die. Of course, I mean it could be the E.M. No. No, trust me. It's in there. Please let me see it tonight. Gate one accessed. Pull yourself together, man. This is a place for science. Clearing gate one. The holding area's temperature is 4°. The decrease is further inside the enclosure itself. It's consistent with a phenomenon like this. What if there is a power cut? It's on a separate circuit with an automatic backup generator. Please don't go any further. Did you hear that? Has that happened before? No. Why is there a hole in the fence? The entity cannot escape. Sure, I get that... the rev E.M. But why have the hole? Miss Sands. Major, we have an EM spike. Intensity? Nothing serious. - Stay away from the enclosure. - Shh. What did it say? I couldn't make out. It's just a sound, maybe a greeting. What is that? Ice? A cold spot. It's so localized. Hope your girlfriend doesn't die. Save it. Miss Sands, I really don't recommend touching the wire. One of my men did so and is now in the psychiatric ward. Hello. I want to know everything about you. You could be from any period in history. What year did you cross over? I think that's enough for today, Miss Sands. Miss Sands. Hey, geek boy. Nah. The excitement got to you, huh? It was completely amazing. This supernatural entity was so close, I just felt like I could reach out and touch it. But I won't. Why aren't there more people around? This place feels like... I was gonna say "a ghost town." You know there's gonna be a big military operation in Iraq? Yeah, I kind of guessed that. This place has had a skeleton crew for weeks. Almost everyone got reassigned out east. Wow, since when was a ghost a low priority? Oh, this operation is a total black sheep. It's like we're an embarrassment to the military and the government. We don't exactly get cutting-edge tech. Then how did you capture this? I mean, I've talked to dead people across the divide, but how do you drag someone from the afterlife to here? Or purgatory. Look, to be honest, I don't know. I hear rumors flying about, but... Like what? Just of some secret machine they have hidden in this place, maybe in a panic room or... Wow. Did you ever ask the major? Uh, Lester won't even tell you what time it is. Seriously, try not to piss him off. Too late. Did you ever get into the holding area? Just the one night, by myself. I hardly slept for weeks after. Why is that? It whispered to me through the fence, totally creeped me out. What did it whisper? Well, I thought it said, "Play." So you're feeling better then? Well enough to kick your ass. I suck at this. We'll see. Play. So why did they pick you? The British government heard about my work at the New York Police Department. Cool. What do you do? One thing I'm good at... well, besides table tennis obviously... I help hunt serial killers and create leads for difficult cases. Cool. What's wrong? You're not laughing or looking at me funny. Why would I? Most people think I'm a freak. You're talking to a guy who voluntarily signed up for this, so... That's true. What's your excuse? I wanted to get as far away from humans as possible. Five months later... and it's good to see a friendly face. - Oh. - How good is it now? Miss Sands, come with me. So tell me exactly what happened. Well, the entity appeared to broach contact. I'm gonna try and open up an interactive line of communication tomorrow. Okay, well, I need you to keep me informed. Of course, Mr. McGillis. I appreciate that. I'm gonna just quickly call my dad. Out. How are you finding it, love? Oh, I like how you English guys call people "love." Oh yeah, it's awesome here, thanks. Well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say it's a pleasure to finally have a lady here. Well, nearly all of us. What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a nancy boy. Cut it out! Cut that shit out! Back on duty, everyone. Now! May I please ask how you captured him or her? Please try to stay focused on the task at hand. Did you use a machine to pull the soul from the afterlife? I mean, if so, it would be incredible. It could change the way we see everything. I'm afraid such information is on a strictly need-to-know basis. But I kind of do need to know. No, you merely want to. Please. Keep a close eye on her. Yes sir. Anything? Can you show me you're in there? No need to be afraid. It's feeling a little different than yesterday. Major, can you hear me over there? ? Frère Jacques ? ? Frère Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Frère Jacques ? ? Frère Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Sonnez les matines ? ? Sonnez les matines ? ? Ding ding dong ? ? Ding ding dong. ? ? Ding ding dong. ? Why did you do that? Excuse me, Miss Sands? Why did you sing? Sing? I didn't. Yeah, you really did. ? Sonnez les matinee... ? That can't be me. Sir, it's... it's definitely you. ? Din dan don ? ? Din dan don... ? It's using you to communicate. It's not using me. It can't be. See if that video feed's been tampered with. Do it now. So, I mean, like, if you don't mind me asking, how does someone just discover that they can talk to dead people? Sorry, you don't have to tell me. I'm just curious. No, it's fine. I was seven and I tried to talk to my mom. She died the week before. Oh shit, I'm sorry. My dad wasn't handling it very well and I felt really... Sorry, I don't normally talk about this. No, it's okay. You don't have to go on. I felt... I felt really alone. And so I picked up this invisible telephone I didn't know I had and I tried giving my dead mom a call. Only someone else picked up... some, like, old Japanese guy. And then I started talking to other people. And the rest... well, the rest is my life, so... Cool. Yeah, cool. Play. Play. Let me out. ? Frere Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Sonnez les matinee... ? Major, please come in. Do you read me? ? Sonnez les matinee... ? Major, please respond. ? Din dan don... ? Major. ? Din dan don... ? Everything's okay again now, sir, but you really need to see this footage. ? Din dan don... ? ? Din dan don. ? Hi. I'm Hayley. I'm here to talk to you. Couldn't you do with some conversation? It must get pretty dull in there. Yeah, it's getting pretty dull in here too. Okay, let's try... ? Frere Jacques ? ? Frere Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques... ? ? Sonnez les matinee ? ? Sonnez les matinee... ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? Major Lester, please respond. ? Din dan don ? ? Din dan don... ? ? Sonnez les matinee ? ? Sonnez les matinee... ? ? Din dan don ? ? Din dan ? ? Don! ? ? Din dan don. ? Are you controlling him? Are you trying to talk? Let me out. Who are you? What's your name? Let me out. Let me out! No. Wait. What's going on? What are you doing? Sir, what are you doing? You're out of line, you know that? Why have you stopped recording? And who the hell is that in there? Shut the fuck up and do your job. Wait. What are you doing? No. Stop it. Try to relax. Stand by for my command. No, you can't do this. You really think I caught this thing for a chat? Well, why did you catch it? You're about to see. God save me. I could feel it in my head. That thing's unholy. Stay here, okay? What are you gonna do? Sir, I really don't think this is a good idea. Really? And why should I care what you think? You'll do as you're told or be relieved of your duties. - Do you understand? - Yes sir. Lieutenant, Lance Corporal, throw the prisoner into the enclosure. - No. - Matthews, get your shit together - and secure that woman. - No! This is barbaric. Lance Corporal Rogers, assistance now. No. Before you go all liberal on us, Mr. Rourke, you may want to know who this is. This man's name is Salim Hassan. He's a convicted terrorist. Until recently he was a member of a cell linked to multiple terror attacks across Europe including targets such as hospitals, schools and airports. Whatever happens here today, no one should afford this man any kind of sympathy. He lost any rights he had when he tried to kill innocent people... women and children, families. That thing in there may be the most powerful weapon we possess. And Mr. Hassan is gonna help me to prove it. It's touching him. This is really dangerous. What are you doing? Lights back on, please. Play. Lieutenant Groves. Lieutenant Groves. Stop! All levels have returned to normal. I think it's over. Justin, I need your help. I'd say we all need help. I can't do this anymore. What happened in there was insane. Of course it was. That's why I need you to help me. They said I can't call McGillis tonight... technical issues. Please. Reverse EM barrier activated. - You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, sir. Well, if Hassan won't talk now, he never will. Well, he's down at the med center having what's left of his eye patched up. When they're done, I'll have words... harsh words. Well, if he still won't give up the other members of that cell, then we'll dunk him back in tomorrow. We need to build on this. His name is Salim Hassan. Major Lester said that he was a known terrorist. They just threw him in with the entity. It was horrible. - Let me go over there. - This is all very worrying. Too late. It's done. Listen, do you want me to get you out of there? I can do it tonight. I need to stay. Okay, I've got to go, Mr. McGillis. Bye now. That was the last call. I want all lines of communication with Whitehall temporarily severed. They've been looking for a reason to shut this place down. Did you know that, Lieutenant? No, I didn't, sir, no. Yeah, that's why the girl's here. But this is our project, our asset, and we must do everything to protect it. Here's my security clearance. Well, actually it's Brandon's. He ranks higher, so I swapped them. It should get you to the detention cells. - Thank you. - Are you sure you want to do this? I have to find out what he saw in the enclosure. Just don't forget who this guy is. Five minutes. I'll be outside. I'm here to talk. Can you understand me? It was wrong, what they did to you. Do you... do you understand what I'm saying? What is it? Play. The entity is talking to you? No. Not talking. A song. ? Din dan... ? ? Don. ? It wants to play. Play. Always play. I know it will set me free. It is Allah's will. - Jesus. - Get up. - What is going on? - Get up. What is going on? Where are we going? - Get off! Help me! - Get back in your room. No. No. Miss Sands, if you work against the British military's best interest, then you must expect to be treated like a terrorist. No, you can't do this. The E.M. rising steadily, sir. Temperature down 5%. I'd say it was excited. - What are you doing? - Stand down, Mr. Rourke. - You can't do this. - The E.M. peaking. - Do it. - No! Please, no. Argh! Um... the power supply in the main holding area is down again. What about the enclosure? Emergency power holding. Switch the lights over to the secondary power supply. - I'm working on it. - Work faster. Here goes. Hayley, the fence is down. Run! Emergency. Code red. Get on the floor. Get down. Get down. Stay down. - Where is it? - Let me out! Did it get out? Mr. Faber. Let me out. I can't do this. The enclosure power coming back online. Let me out. It could now be anywhere inside that room. Increase reverse E.M. on the room's perimeter. Divert any power you can spare. I want that entire space 100% secure. What about the girl? Lieutenant, Private, escort Mr. Rourke to one of the detention cells. No one goes anywhere. I wasn't expecting your visit, sir. I neglected to inform Miss Sands during our bugged conversation. You're relieved, Major. Hand over your weapon. Get this man to the medical center. Move. Why is Miss Sands in there? Get her out now. I'm afraid we can't do that, sir. Why not? Miss Sands, it's Duncan McGillis. Are you all right? Please, please let me out of here. I'm told there's a chance that the holding area is contaminated. We're doing everything we can. We'll have you out of there as soon as possible. The entity is out of the enclosure. It might attack. At least let me into the tunnel. I'm sorry, but the entity may be sealed inside. Remain vigilant, Miss Sands, and bear with me. Is there any way of knowing if the entity has escaped into the holding area? It could still be in the enclosure, but unless it makes itself visible to us, we have no way of telling. I mean I could set up a series of pulses of rev E.M. around the holding area, including the tunnel. What would that do? It would act as a kind of cattle prod. We would see a reaction from the entity if it came into contact with it. That's not a good idea. Provoke the entity and it may become more dangerous. What other options do we have? We wait and observe. But there's no telling how long that will take. Unacceptable. I'm not putting that girl through any more of this. How long will it take to implement your pulse option? It will take a couple of hours. But once it's all set up, it will only take a few minutes to scan the area. Will Miss Sands be harmed? No sir. But as the major pointed out, we have no way of predicting how the entity will react. What were you doing throwing that terrorist into the cage? Are we America now? With the greatest of respect, sir, America gets results. We are too soft and heading for a 9/11 of our own. If your family were at risk, tell me you wouldn't agree with my actions. You're facing a court martial, Major. You've contravened countless human rights, not to mention put this base at risk. You will lock Stormhouse down until you are certain this thing is contained. No one comes. No one goes. Am I understood? Yes sir. Then you will escort me to the panic room. Surprised? Who do you think approves the plans and the budget for this place? Bring Miss Sands to me there and we'll wait for the rescue team to arrive. I'll need to organize the team and inform Whitehall of the situation. - Get me an outside line. - Of course, sir. Hello? Is anyone out there? Mr. McGillis. Hello? Jesus, shut up. Hey, Lieutenant. You're still on duty? Yes. What's going on? It's getting warmer in here. The temperature is going up inside the holding area. That's weird. That's not right. The temperature is going down in here. Hey, Lieutenant, will you do me a favor? Can you... can you radio the major or McGillis, tell them we've got a problem in here? Hey, are you gonna radio...? The entity is out of the enclosure. Oh God. Lieutenant Groves, with me. Lieutenant. You getting any signal through comms? No sir, no reading. Fuck. Right, you two, stay with me. Keep your fucking eyes open. You're not here anymore. Play. What's going on out there? Please remain in your room. What's all the shouting about? What's going on? Stay in your room. Who's there? Private Matthews, are you still there? Look, just stay in your room. Hey. What happened to you? Lester. The pain meds they gave me... they're wearing off. Well, let's get you some more and get you properly strapped up. No, you need to go and get help. Screw that. Let's go. Major, I thought you were in custody, sir. The entity has escaped. I remain your commanding officer. Yes sir. I want you to proceed to the mess room and establish a secure base. Understood, sir. We split up, move on to the mess. You both take the right. I'll take the left. Lance Corporal Rogers, status. Lance Corporal Rogers, respond. Have you secured the area? ? Frere Jacques ? ? Frere Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Dormez-vous? ? ? Sonnez les matinee ? ? Sonnez les matinee ? ? Din dan... ? ? Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques ? ? Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? ? ? Sonnez les matinee, sonnez les matinee ? ? Din dan don, din dan... ? Incorrect code. Access granted. Reverse EM barrier activated. Wait. Wait. Yeah? Okay. Use this. Just stay with me, okay? We'll get you the painkillers to keep you going. Just... argh! Salim, it's me. It's okay. Where are you going? We're going to the medical center. He's badly injured. Where are you going? Out. Even if you did find the lift, you wouldn't be able to leave. In emergency situations you can only activate the lift with an authorized thumbprint. You can do this? No, officer rank only. Then we must find one of these men. Allow me. How the hell are we supposed to secure this? Shut up and focus. Everyone's gone bloody quiet on comms. It's been here. Focus. All clear in here, Dan. How about you? Dan. Dan! Dan? For fuck's sake, Dan. This ain't the time for games. Shh. Bored. Oh God, no. Oh my God, no. Does this man have authorization to the exit? What? We have no time. Does he have authorization? You'd need his thumbprint. Stay here. What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Oh. Give it to me. You show me the way. I will activate the lift. The lift is nearby. If we can get up top, I should be okay. We need to know we can trust you. Scan in progress. Print verified. Level nine is no longer a valid lift access point. The nearest access point is level six. - Level six? - Yeah, it's three floors above us. Somebody wants to make sure no one can reach the lift carriage. - We can use the emergency ladder. - Where is it? No, we're not going anywhere without the medication. He's not gonna be able to climb the ladder without it. - He'll have to. - You'll never make it to it alive by yourself. I know exactly where it is. We go to the med center first. Don't worry. I'm a first-aider. I feel better already. Have you found anything useful? Nothing. What did it feel like when you were in the enclosure with it? It was horrible, like a nightmare. I could feel it all over my skin, like its breath all over me. It wanted to hurt me... I mean really hurt me. It was so powerful. And I set it free. How's that? Numb as fuck, but I can move. Good. We go. I can feel it. Where? Justin, Justin, are you okay? What is it? Play. What? Play! - It has him. - No. - Come on. - No. Justin, can you hear me? - Leave him. - No. Yes, Justin hear you. Is that you talking? Leave him alone. No. Justin want to fuck you in your dirty little cunt. No. Get away from him. Come. Let him go. Yes. Justin go. Watch. Hayley, help me, please. Hang on, please. Hang on. Come on, let's go. All gone. Play? No. Justin. No. No. Justin. - Come on. - Let go. No. Let go. No. Get off me. No, get off, no. We could have saved him. Enough. That thing killed him inside. You know this. I said enough. This was a mistake. I have a map now. No. It would be mercy for me to kill you, but it can have you. It is my friend. It understands me. Scan in progress. Oh no. No. Justin... Play. Print verified. Lift activated. No. Go fetch, my friend. Scan in progress. Print verified. Lift activated. Please. Oh my God. Play. All right. Play. Ground level. Playtime's over, right? I said it's over. It's fucking over! No! No, wait, no! That's my ball! Give back the ball. Come back! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why am I in here? The entity is gone. It wasn't yours to give away. I just couldn't take it anymore. I forgive you. Anyway... You're going to help me to replace it. You want me to help you operate the machine? I can do that... if you let me go. That's the plan, right... bring the spirit back with the machine and put it in here? You're standing in my machine. What? This is how my machine works. No. Please, no. No. You mean...? You see, you always thought you needed to know, Miss Sands. And now you finally do. My operation must continue. Don't do this. And my country must be protected. No. No, please. There's a hundred thousand streets in the city. You don't need to know the route. You give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours... No matter what. Anything a minute either side of that, then you are on your own. Do you understand? And you won't be able to reach me on this phone again. Hey, there you are! She's down there. Plain Jane boring, just like you asked for. But I dropped in 300 horses on the inside, she's gonna fly. You look like a zombie, kid. Did you get any sleep? Can I offer you some Benzadrine, Dexadrine, caffeine... nicotine? Oh, you don't smoke, that's right. You're better off. There she is! Chevy Impala, most popular car in the state of California. No one will be looking at you. Code 30 Ringer located at 421 South Alameda. Report of shots fired at Code 30. Come on. What the fuck is it? Come on. Unit 5, what's your twenty? We're approximately 2 minutes from that location. Come on man, where the hell are you? Come on! Come on! Come on, get in, get in, get in. Move, move, move, move, move. All unit be advised, possible vehicle in question, late model silver lmpala. 1-Adam-3, Santa Fe and 7th, clear. Roger, 1-Adam-3. Requesting air unit support. - Unit 5 to Dispatch, heading eastbound on 6th. - Copy that, Unit 5. Base to Air 3, any slim in that silver Impala? Air 3 to Base, negative. Got a visual, uh, heading west on 7th Street Bridge. Copy Air 3, all units be advised, suspect is westbound on 7th Street Bridge. Base, it's Air 3 here, we've lost visual on suspect. Base to Air 3, possible gang shooting in progress, proceed immediately to Washington and La Brea. Roger, Dispatch, I'm out. All westbound units, be advised, suspect last seen near 7th Street and Santa Fe. Dispatch, this is 1-Adam-6, possible suspect vehicle sighted at stoplight. Stand-by. Roger, Unit 6. - What floor? - 4th, thanks. Hey kid, you know what? Director wants to see a rollover. You okay with that? Remember, if you don't feel good, just abort the shot. No shame in that, alright? I mean, you're doubling for the star. You're not like a day-player or anything. And I got you $500 more, huh? Of course we split that. You okay? Ready to go? Alright, counting on you! Excuse me, pal, just in the mood here... So before we put you on camera, could you just sign this, uh, contract, which is a phase for the lease and liability of the company in case you died, maimed or seriously injured? And, action! Alright, that's a cut! Oh kid! That was fantastic. Just fantastic! Okay, how're you doing? You alright? You were good, that was perfect. - I love you. - I love you. - You're a monkey... - I am a monkey. - You're a monkey. - You're the monkey. No, you're a monkey. Hey, tell me one thing. Where should I put this? In the kitchen. Thank you. Just a second. Scary. Hey, you want a toothpick? You want a glass of water? Okay. Thanks. So, you just moved to L. A? No, I've been here for a while. - You're just new here? - Mm-hmm. That's Benicio's father. Where is he? He's in prison. What do you do? I drive. Like a limo driver? No, like for movies. - Doing all those car chases and stuff? - Yeah. Isn't that dangerous? It's only part time. - Mostly I work at the garage. - Where? Receda Boulevard. I gotta go. Okay. Thanks for the water. - Say bye. - Bye. Mr. Rose? Your food, sir, is that okay? Chicken chow mein... and, uh, some peking duck. Where are the chopsticks? - You know what, the guy... - Go get 'em. I don't want that. You eat it. Chopsticks and a fortune cookie. - Put out the fucking cigrette, I'm eating. - Sorry. What's the matter with you? You run a perfectly good business. I don't know why you wanna change now? You know how much my business made last year? 30 grand. I can build a car in 6 months and in 6 seconds these jerks write it off as a stunt that won't even make it to the movie. See, all I need is a hard used stock car. That's all. Now, I figure we start off with small town circuit and we work our way up. And once we get to the show, we are talking millions. - Here's your chopsticks, sir. - Yeah, where's the cookie? Forget it, forget it. So, you still haven't given me a number. Alright. $430,000. Oh, f...! Mr. Rose, I wouldn't come to you with this unless I was absolutely sure about it. How can you be sure, Shannon? What do you got that the big professional race teams don't? I got the Driver. - You just told me that they've half a dozen drivers. - Not like this one. This kid is special. Been working with him for a while, I've never seen anything like it. If I had the money, I'd back him myself. Yeah, but you don't have the money. Mr. Rose, you put this kid behind the wheel... there's nothing he can't do. There's money here, you can't lose. Why the fuck are you eating Chink food in my fucking restaurant? What's a Jew doing running a pizzeria? You remember Shannon? Take a fucking hike. I wanna talk to my partner. Hah, I'm just fucking with you. How're you doing Shannon? How's the fucking leg? I've paid my debt. I'll think about it. Okay? But I wanna meet the kid first. That's all I ask. C'mon, I want you to meet somebody. Whatever you do like about the car, don't say anything. I want to drive the price down a little bit. Kid, I want you to meet Mr. Bernie Rose. Nice to meet you. My hands are a little dirty. So are mine. - Good driving out there. - Thanks. So? What do you think? Do we get the 400? I'll give you 300 for 70 percent. Done. You won't be sorry! Hey pal, just drop it down here. We're pushing it, alright? We wanna push her into number three. - The car. Not you. - Oh, good. - Hi - Hi - Uhh... You two know each other? - Don't. Oh, look at that. - We're neighbours. - Neighbours, very good. Well, we'll try to be neighbourly too. You blinked. What? - Can I call a cab from here? - Yeah, sure. What am I talking about? You and the kid are neighbours right? He can take you. Oh, no. I feel bad. No, no... Don't even think twice about it. He'll be happy to do it. He's a good guy. You know, he walked into my shop here about five or six years ago... right out of the blue, asking for a job. So I put him to the test, see what he could do. The kid is amazing. So I hired him on the spot. Boom! At about half the wages I normally pay. He didn't even blink an eye. Hey kid, come over here for a sec will you? And I have been exploiting him ever since. Don't tell him. Looks like we've bigger problem than I thought. We're gonna have to keep the car here for a few days. So, I offered your services to take Benicio and Irene home. Would that be okay? Yeah, sure. I don't have wheels... in my car. Something you should know about me. Well, put the tyres on. - You got about five minutes? - Yeah. Hey, do you wanna see something? Yeah. Okay. That was good. We had a good time. Me too. Sorry if I put you on the spot showing up like that. It's okay. I'm not doing anything this weekend. If you wanna a ride or something. Don't worry about her bumps and bruises. That's just fiberglass, that's easily replaceable. We coat a paint on there with some sponsors' decals. Look at the tread on the tyres, still good, huh? We are in business. You paid 300 fucking grand for this piece of shit? I paid for it. Out of my own pocket. This is just the shell. It's the inside that counts. Not the outside. Right, Shannon? You are correct, sir. Fuck that shit. If I paid 300 for something, I want everybody to fucking see it. Of course you do. Now this. That is one motherfucking fine ass pussy mobile, motherfucker! Damn! Shannon, sell him that car. He wouldn't be able to find a pussy in a whorehouse. - You know what? This car will even make you good-looking. - Well, I'm already good-looking, pal. How's it going, pal? When's our first race? Uhh, pretty soon. You gonna be ready? I hope so. I hope so. Hey, no false modesty, I got a lot of money on this. Did Shannon ever tell you how we met? I used to produce movies. In the 80's. Kinda like action films and sexy stuff. One critic called them 'European'. I thought they were shit. Anyway he arrange all the cars for me. Did all the stunts. I liked him. I like having him around. Even though he'd overcharge the shit out of me. His next business venture. He got involved with some of Nino's friends. They didn't go for the overcharging bit. They broke his pelvis. He's never had a lot of luck. The reason I'm telling you this is, he has a lot invested in you. Now, so do I. So anything you need, you call me. We're a team now. I'm excited. Nino, let's get the fuck out of here! - You see the bad guy? - Yeah. How can you tell? Because... he's a shark. There's no good sharks? No... I mean, just look at him. Does he look like a good guy to you? - This is Cindy. - Hi. That was my husband's lawyer. He's coming home in a week. You know, we're here celebrating. It's a shameful thing... what I did. And I have a lot of making up to do, to everyone. But second chances are rare. Right? And that's worth celebrating. Right? So I want to make a toast. To that lady right there. Thanks for staying. I love you, Inny. Sorry about the noise. I was gonna call the cops. I wish you would. Oye, getting heavier. Hey, how are you doing? - Hi. - This guy has been telling a lot about you. He says you've been coming around and helping out a lot. Yeah? Helping out. Is that right? Is that right? That's very nice. That's nice of you. - Thank you. - You're welcome. You drive for the movies? - I can take that. - No, no. I got it. Let mommy talk to her friend. You have a good night. You're Shannon's buddy, right? We met last year. You drove me and my brother back from Palm Springs. We hired another wingman. I spend six months in jail and my brother, he got himself killed. I've got a sweet job coming up. How about this? You shut your mouth, or I'll kick your teeth down your throat and I'll shut it for you. Nice seeing you again. Come here. Don't be scared. Look, don't tell mommy. Okay? Okay? It's a secret between us boys. Oh, fuck me. Who were they? What the fuck are you gonna do? You gonna go and beat them up for me? Huh, stunt guy? Why the fuck do you wanna know who they are? There's some guys who want me to do a job for 'em and I'm not gonna do it. That's who they are. And what's the job? He want me to rob a pawn shop in the Valley. Why? Because I owe them some protection money, from when I was inside. It's two thousand bucks. And as soon as I got out... Oh, it's five thousand bucks. Oh no, actually, it's ten thousand dollars. Twenty thousand dollars, tomorrow I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be. What are you gonna do? That's a very good question. They said they're gonna come after Benicio and Irene next. You okay? You want something to drink? What is that you got there? Can I see? - One of those men gave you, yeah? - Mm-hmm. They told me not to lose it. You want me to keep that for you? Okay. - How's Benice? - Good. You just saying that? No... what do you mean? I saw that Standard... was in an accident. Yeah. What happened? He got beat up. Why? Just drunk kids. You should come over. You should come and see him. You wanna... You wanna hear a story? - You wanna hear how mommy and me met? - Yeah. We were at a party. And she was nineteen years old. Seventeen. - You weren't seventeen. - I was. - Wow, so it's illegal. - Yeah. Alright, so I illegally walked over to a seventeen year old girl. I walked up and I say... "Hello Miss" What is your name? And she didn't say anything. And then I said: Well... my name's Standard Gabriel. Then what did you say? I said... Where's the deluxe version? She's good, isn't it? She's sharp. Oh man, that killed me. And then a year later, you popped out, man. That was the best day of my life. If I drive for you, you'll get your money. You can tell me where we start... where we're going, where we're going afterwards. I give you five minutes when we get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. Anything a minute either side of that... then you are on your own. I don't sit in while you're running it down, I don't carry a gun. I drive. You look like you're hard to work with. Not if we understand each other. What's to understand? I can't do this thing alone. You got Blanche. Come on, man. She's beautiful, look at her. What the fuck are you rolling your eyes at for? You know what? Get the fuck out of here. Get up! Standard, take her with you, and go get her a fucking coke. Okay, here's the deal. This much for Blanche, This much for that asshole... minus what he owes me. And this much for you. You're still interested? Good! Anything else? When you get your money, his debt's paid. He's out for good. You never go near his family again. Do you understand? Here to my family. To my new friend. And toast to the future. To our future. I'll see you in five minutes. See you in four. How much did Cook said we were gonna get? 40 grand. Stay here. When was the last time you saw your husband? Can you answer the question? Hello? Benicio, is that you? Yeah. Your mother there? Uh, she's sitting down... talking to the police. Okay, just tell her I'm gonna call her back. Okay? Okay, bye. - Related news, an attempted robbery turned tragic today when the owner of a local pawn shop opened fire on an intruder. The armed robber was pronounced dead at the scene. He's been identified as Standard Gabriel of Echo Park, Los Angeles. Other details are unclear but the owner of the pawn shop told reporters that Gabriel acted alone. And that no money had been stolen. If he saw you take the money... and he saw you get in the car, then why didn't he say anything? I have no idea. Did you have any idea that there'd be a second car? I already told you everything. Now, you've just got a little boy's father killed. And you almost got us killed. And now, you are lying to me. So, how about this? From now on, every word out of your mouth is the truth. Or I'm gonna hurt you. Do you understand? Now, what did Cook tell you? He said there'd be another car to hold us up. But he didn't say anything about all this money. He didn't say anything about anyone getting killed. And he was gonna rip us off? What's his real name? He said it's Chris... But I just call him Cook. You're gonna take me to him... right now. Do you understand? Yes. Easy, easy. What'd you do with the cash? - Well, I can keep it safe for you... - Would you just stop it? This guy Cook, he have a real name? Chris. Maybe. I'll ask Bernie, see if he knows him. Jesus, I can't stop thinking about what we could do with all that dough. - Would you stop? - Alright! You know, a lot of guys messing around with married women... but you're the only one I know who robs a joint, just to pay back the husband. Crazy! Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. He's in the dressing room. Where's that? It's over there. Whose money do I have? Don't worry, they're gonna come and get it. - Call them. - Somebody call Nino. Do you remember this? - Hello? - Nino? No, sorry pal. Why don't you call back later, we're closed. I could, but I think Nino would be upset that you made him wait. - Can I ask what this is about? - I have something of his. And that would be? A million dollars. Please hold. You have something that fucking belongs to me? Seems that way. And you're calling me... why? - You're expecting to buy my own shit back from you? - I'm not selling it. I'm gonna give you a time and a place, and you're gonna come and get it. Do you understand? And what do you get out of it? Just that. 'Out of it.' And your partners are happy with that? I don't have any partners. You discuss this with anybody else? No, just with you. You're not very good at this, are you? Go check out who this fucking guy is. Can I talk to you for a minute? I can't talk, I have to go. Can I just walk with you for...? I have to tell you something. Standard was into some... guys in prison for a lot of money. And it would ruin you and Benicio if he didn't pay it. He asked me for my help. Everything went wrong, you know? I'm sorry. I still got the money. You can have it, if you wanted to. You can take Benicio and... I just thought you could get out of here if you wanted. I could come with you. I could look out for you. Sorry, uh... wrong floor. They came to my apartment, Shannon. How do they know where I live? I told you, I was gonna call Bernie. I just wanted him to know that... that it wasn't about that, you are not interested in the money. That... that you just did it for the girl. - What the fuck did you say? - No, no! - I just... - Why did you have to fucking tell him about Irene? - You told him about Irene! - Calm down, kid, just calm down. I should fucking kill you! You told him about Irene. I just, I just, I just wanted him to know... that as soon as you return the money, that was the end of it. That's all! I didn't know. How was I suppose to know... How was I suppose to know that, okay? Look, let me just, let me just talk to Bernie, okay? Why'd you got to fuck everything up, Shannon? How was I suppose to know everything led to Nino? ! They're gonna come looking for me and they're gonna come for you. Do you understand? You gotta get out of here and you gotta get out now. Listen to me. Listen to me, Shannon. Listen, you get out of here and you never fucking come back. You never come back. What are you gonna do? I already gave you my advice! - You should've taken the money and left the guy alone. - It's not that simple, Bernie. No! Of course not! Now it's gonna bounced up in your face! Nino, I owe you this guy. Just give me a little time and I'll get rid of him. Shut the fuck up, you fucking monkey! The money, belongs to some half-assed wise guy, out of Philly. Now... Now, I got tipped off... he was stashing a million bucks in a pawn shop. He's gonna invest it here in L.A., He was gonna set up a rival operation. So you stole from the East Coast mob? No! I stole from some jump up punk. He was trying to step on our action. Yeah? Then why didn't you come to me, before you set up this dummy robbery? Before you hire this piece of shit? This is something off to the side, Bernie. I didn't wanna involve you on this. Well, I'm involved now! Let me tell you something... Anybody, anybody, finds out you stole from the family, we're both dead. What fucking family? The family who still calls me a fucking kike? To my face? ! You know, I'm 59 years old Bernie, they still pinched my cheek like i'm some fucking kid! Family. The money always flows up, lzzy. You know that. That's why this Driver's gotta go, Bernie. He's gotta go... and your pal, Shannon. I mean, these are the only two guys who can tie me to this robbery. Now it's your turn to clean up after me. All these priceless cars... One would think you'd have better locks. Doors is always open to you. Going somewhere? I was thinking about it. I'm looking for your Driver. You breaking in here, I figure its bad news. No, Shannon. It's bad luck. Two thousand heists a year in this city, he has to pick the wrong one. He tried to put it right. Well, he picked the wrong guy for that too. My partner is a belligerent asshole, with his back against the wall. Right now, so am I. If I don't set this straight, I'm in big trouble. Any idea where he might be? Mexico. Or maybe it was... Belize. Really? I was getting excited about this whole thing. My name on a car! I mean, look how beautiful. I wanted to see my name on this thing. I think we would've made a go with this business. Don't worry. Don't worry. That's it. It's done. There is no pain, it's over. It's over. Hello? You know the story about "The Scorpion and the Frog"? Your friend Nino didn't make it across the river. I think this has gone on long enough. You see any reason for it to continue? What do you say we meet? Why? Well... You, me and your girlfriend are the only players left. How's that for a reason? When? Tomorrow. There's a place on Sherman Way... it's a restaurant called 'The Great Wall' Do you know it? Can I talk to you? I won't keep you long. I have to go somewhere and I don't think I can come back. And I just want you to know... Getting to be around you and Benicio, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Did you bring the money? Here's what I'm prepared to offer... You give me the money, the girl is safe. Forever, nobody knows about it. She's off the map. I can't offer you the same. So, this is what I would suggest. We'll conclude our deals, we'll shake hands. You'll start the rest of your life. Any dreams you have, plans or hopes for your future, I think you got to put that on hold. For the rest of your life, you're gonna be looking over your shoulder. I'm just telling you this, because... I want you to know the truth. But the girl is safe. Where's the money now? It's in the car. THE END Subtitles by: There'sa hundredthousandstreetsinthecity. Now, you give me a time and a place. Igiveyouafive-minutewindow, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours... No matter what. Anything happens in either side of that, then you are on your own. Do you understand? Good. And you won't be able to reach me on this phone again. Hey, there you are! She's down there. Plain Jane boring, just like you asked for. But, I dropped in 300 horses on the inside, She's gonna fly. You look like a zombie kid. You get any sleep? Can I offer you some Benzadrine, Dextradine, Caffeine... Nicotine ? Oh you don't smoke, that's right. You're better off. There she is! 'Chevy Impala' most popular car in the state of California. No one will be looking at you. Police P.A: All units be advised, possible 731 in progress. 10:10 shots fired at 421 South Alemida. Car 52 what's you twenty? Car 52 to dispatch, currently at ten pager on 7th, ETA approximately one minute. All unit be advised, possible vehicle in question; late model, silver impala. Car 16 to dispatch, We sealed off south parameter and moving on. - Which floor? - 4th please. Director wants to see a rollover. You okay with that? Remember, If you don't feel good; just abort the shot. There's no shame in that, Alright? You're doubling for the star. It's not like you are A player or anything. And I got you $500 more. Huh? Of course we split that. You okay? Ready to go? Alright, I'm counting on you. Oh Kid! That's fantastic. Just fantastic! Okay, How're you doing? You okay? Good, that was perfect. Where should I put these? In the kitchen. Thank you. Scary. Hey, You want a tooth-pick? - Sure. You want a glass of water? Okay. Thanks. So, did you just moved to L.A? No, I've been here for a while. You are just new here? - Mmhmm. That's Benicio's father. Where is he? He's in prison. What do you do? I drive. Like a limo driver? No, like for movies. Doing all those car chases and stuff? yeah. Isn't that dangerous? It's only part time. Mostly I work at the garage. - Where? Receda Boulevard. I gotta go. Well, thank you. Thanks for the water. Say bye. Chicken Chowmein? And, some peking duck. Where are the chopsticks? - uh ...the guy - go get 'em. I don't want that. Chopsticks and a fortune cookie. Put out the fucking cigrette, I'm eating. Sorry. - What's the matter with you? You run a perfectly good business. I don't know, why you wanna change that. You know how much my business made last year? 30 grand. I can build a car in six months and in six seconds these jerks write it off as a stunt that won't even make it to the movie. See, all i need is a hard used start car. that's all. I figure we start off small town circuit; we work our way up. Once we get to the show, we are talking millions. So, you still haven't give me your number. Alright, Four hundred thirty thousand dollars. Oh...! Mr.Ross, I wouldn't come to you with this. Unless, I'm absolutely sure about it ! How can you be sure, Shannon. What do you got that the professional race team don't? I got a driver. You just told me there're half a dozen drivers. Not like this one. This kid is special. Been working with him for a while, I've never seen anybody like it. If I had the money, I'd back him myself. Yeah, but you don't have the money. Mr.Ross, You put this kid behind the wheel... there's nothing he cannot do. What are you doing eating chink food in my fucking restaurant? What's a Jew doing running a pizzaria? You remember Shannon? Take a fucking hike. I wanna talk to my partner. Hah, I'm just fucking with you. How're you doing Shannon. How's the fucking leg? I've paid my debt. I'll think about it. Okay? But I wanna meet the kid first. That's all I ask. C'mon, I want you to meet somebody. Whatever you do like about the car, don't say anything. I want to drive the price down a little bit. Kid, I want you to meet Mr.Bernie Ross. Nice to meet you. My hands are a little dirty. So are mine. Good driving out there. - Thanks. So? what do you think? Do we get the 400? I'll give you 300 for 70 percent. Done! you won't be sorry! Hey pal, just drop it down here. We're pushing it alright. We wanna push her into number three. The car. Not you. - Oh good. Hi... - hi. uhh... You two know each other? - Don't. Oh look at that. We're neighbours. - Neihhbours, very good. Well, we'll try to be neighbourly too. You blinked. What? Can I call a cab from here. - Yeah, sure. What am I talking 'bout. You and the kid are neighbours, right. He can take you. Oh no. I feel bad. No, no... Don't even think twice about it. He'll be happy to do it. He's a good guy. You know, he walked into my shop here about five or six years ago... right out of the blue, asking for a job. So, i put him to the test, to see what he could do. The kid is amazing. So, i hired him on the spot. Boom! At about half the wages i normally pay. He didn't even blink an eye. Hey kid, come over here for a sec will you. And I have been exploiting him ever since. Don't tell him. Looks like we've bigger problem than I thought. We're gonna have to keep the car here for a few days. So, I offered your services to take, Benicio and Irene home. Would that be okay? Yeah sure. I don't have wheels... in my car. It's one think you should know about me. Well put the tyres on. You got about five minutes? - Yeah. Hey, do you wanna see something? Yeah. okay. You did good. We had a good time. Me too. Sorry, if I put you on the spot or anything. It's okay. I'm not doing anything this weekend. If you wanna go out or something. Don't worry about these bumps and bruises. Thats easily replaceable. We coat a paint on there with sponsors detail. Look at the thread on the tyre, still good huh, we are in business. You paid 300 fucking grand for this piece of shit? I paid for it. Out of my own pocket. This is just the shell. It's the inside that counts. Not the outside. Right, Shannon? You are correct sir. Fuck that shit. If I paid 300 for something. I want everybody to see it. Of course you do. Now this. That is one motherfucking fine ass pussy mobile, motherfucker! Damn! Shannon, sell him that car. He won't be able to find a pussy in a whorehouse. You know what? This car will make you even good looking. How's it going? When's our first race? uhh, pretty soon. You gonna be ready? I hope so. huh... I hope so. Hey no false modesty. I got a lot of money on this. Did Shannon ever tell you how we met? I used to produce movies. In the 80's. Kinda like action films and sexy stuff. One critic called them 'European'. I thought they were shit. Anyway he arrange all the cars for me. Did all the stunts. I liked him. I like having him around. Eventhough, he'd overcharge the shit out of me. His next business venture. He got involved with some of Nino's friends. They didn't go for the overcharging bit. They broke his pelvis. He's never had a lot of luck. The reason I'm telling you this is, He's got a lot invested in you. So do I. So. You need anything... You call me. We're a team now. I'm excited. Let's get out of here. Nino. You see the bad guy? - Yeah. How can you tell? Cos he's a shark. There's no good shark? No... I mean, just look at him. Does he look like a good guy to you? That was my hausband's lawyer. He's coming home in a week. You know, we're here celebrating. Its a shameful thing... what I did. And I have a lot of making up to do, to everyone. But second chances are rare. Right? And that's worth celebrating. Right? So, I want to make a toast. To that lady right there. Thanks for staying. I love you, Inny. Salud. Hey? Hi. Sorry about the noise. I was gonna call the cops. I wish you would. Oye, getting heavier. Hey, how are you doing? - Hi. This guy has been telling a lot about you. He says, you've been coming around and helping out a lot. Yeah? helping out. Is that right? Is that right? That's very nice. That's nice of you. Than you. - You're welcome. You drive for the movies? - Yeah. I can take that. - No, no. I got it. Let mommy talk to her friend. You have a good night. You're Shannon's buddy, Right? We met last year. You drove me and my brother back from palm springs. We hired another wing man. I spend six months in jail and my brother got himself killed. I've got a sweet job coming up. How about this? You shut you mouth. Or I'll kick your teeth down your throat and i'll shut it for you. Nice seeing you again. come here. Don't be scared. Look, don't tell mommy. Okay? Okay, it's a secret between us boys. Oh fuck. Who are they? What the fuck are you gonna do? You gonna go and beat them out for me? Huh, stunt guy. Why the fuck do you wanna know who they are? There's some guy who want me to do a job for him, But I'm not gonna do it. What's the job? He want me to rob a pawn shop in the valley. Why? Cos i owe them protection money, for when i was in the inside. It's two thousand bucks. and as soon as I got out. Oh it's five thousand bucks. Oh it's actually, Ten thousand dollars. Twenty thousand dollars, tomorrow I don't know what it's gonna be. What are you gonna do? That's a very good question. They said they're gonna come after Benicio and Irene next. You okay? You want something to drink? What' s that you got there? Can I see? One of those man gave you this? - Mmmhm. They told me not to loose it. You want me to keep this for you? Okay. How's Benice? - Good. You just saying that? No, what do you mean? I saw that Standard... was in an accident. Yeah. What happened? He got beat up. Why? Just drunk kids. You should come over. You should come and see him. You wanna... You wanna hear a story? You wanna hear how mommy and me met? - Yeah. We're at a pary. And she was nineteen years old. - Seventeen. - You're not seventeen. - I was. Wow, so that's illegal. Alright, so I illegally walked over to a seventeen year old girl. I walked up and I say.... "Hello Miss" What is your name? And she didn't say anything. And I said, well... my name's Standard Gabriel. Then what did you said. I said... 'Where's the deluxe version' Oh man, that killed me. And then a year later, You popped out man. Best day of my life. Where we're going afterwards. I give you a five-minutes when we get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. Anything a minute either side of that... then you are on your own. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive. You look like you are hard to work with. Not as long as we understand each other. What's there to understand? I cannot do this thing alone. You got Blanche. C'mon man. She's beautiful, Look at her. What the fuck are you rolling your eyes at for? You know get the fuck out of here. Get up! Standard, take her with you, and go get her a fucking coke. Okay here's the deal. This much for Blanche, This much for that asshole... Minus what he owes me. And this much for you. You're still interested? Good! Anything else? When you get your money, His debt's paid. His out for good. You never go near his family ever again. Do you understand? To my family. To my new friend. And toast to the future. Our future. I'll see you in five minutes. See you in four. How much did Cook said, we're gonna get? - Fourty Grand. Stay here. Cop: When was the last time you saw your hausband? Can you answer... the question? Benicio: Hello? Benicio, Is that you? - Yeah. Your mother there? - Uh she's sitting down... talking to a police. Okay, just tell her I'm gonna call her back. Okay? Okay, bye. TV reporter: He's been identified as Standard Gabriel, Other details are unclear but... the owner of the pawn shop, told the reporter that Gabriel acted alone. and that, the items he had stolen has been recovered. If he saw you take the money... and saw you get in the car; then why didn't they say anything? - I have no idea. Did you have any idea that there would be a second car? I already told you, I didn't. Now, you've just got a little boy's father killed. and you almost got us killed. and now, you are lying to me. So, how about this? From now on, every words out of your mouth is the truth. Or i'm gonna hurt you. Do you understand? Now, what did Cook tell you? He said there'd be another car hold us up. But he didn't say anything about all these money. he didn't say anything about anyone getting killed. And he was gonna rip us off? What's his real name? He said it's Chris... But i just call him Cook. You're gonna take me to him... right now. Do you understand? - Yeah. This guy Cook, he have a real name? Chris. Maybe. I'll ask Bernie, see if he knows him. Jesus! I can't stop thinking about... what we could do with all that dough. Would you stop? - Alright! You know, a lot of guys messing around with married women... but you're the only one I know who robs a joint, to pay back the hausband. Crazy! Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. Where's Cook? He's in the dressing room. Where's that? It's over there. You're a fucking dead man. Whose money do i have? Don't worry... they're gonna come and get it. Call them. Somebody call Nino. Do you remember this? Hello? Nino? No, sorry pal. Why don't you call back later, we're closed. I could, but i think Nino would be upset that you made him wait. - Can I ask what this is about? I have something of his. - And that would be? A million dollars. - Please hold. Nino: You have something that fucking belongs to me. Seems that way. - And you're calling me... - Why? - You're expecting to buy my own shit back from you? I'm not selling it. I'm gonna give you a time and place, and you're gonna come and get it. Do you Understand? - What are you getting out of it? Just that. 'Out of it.' - And your partners are happy with that? I don't have any partners. - you discuss this with anybody else? No, just with you. - You're not very good at this. Are you? Can I talk to you for a minute? - I can't talk, I have to go. Can I just walk with you...for? I have to tell you something. Standard was into some... guys in prison for a lot of money. And it would ruin you and benicio if he wouldn't pay it. He asked me for my help. It just went wrong, you know. I'm sorry. I still got the money. You can have it, if you wanted to. You can take Benicio...and. I just thought, we could get out of here. If you wanted. I could come with you. I could look out for you. Sorry...uh... Wrong floor. He came into my apartment, Shannon. How did they know where I live? - I told you, I was gonna call Bernie. I just want him know that... that it wasn't about that, you are not interested in the money. and that you just did it for the girl. You told him about Irene! I just wanted him to know that... as soon as you return the money, that was the end of it. I didn't know. How was I suppose to know How was I suppose to know that? Okay? Look, let me just talk to Bernie.. Okay? Why did you have to fuck everything up, Shannon? How was I suppose to know that? They're gonna come looking for me. and they're gonna come for you. Do you understand? You gotta get out of here. and you gotta get out now. Listen to me. Listen to me, Shannon. You get out of here and you never fucking come back. You never come back. What are you gonna do? I already gave you my advice. You should've taken the money, and left the guy alone. - It's just not that simple Bernie. No! of course not! Now everything's bounced up in your face! You know, I owe you this guy. Just give me a little time and I'll get rid of him. Shut the fuck up. You fucking monkey! The money, belongs to some half-assed wise guy, out of Philly. Now... I got tipped off... he was stashing a million bucks in a pawn shop; He's gonna invest it here in L.A He was gonna set up a rival operation. So, you stole from the east-coast mob? No! I stole from some jump up punk. He was trying to step on our action. Yeah... then why didn't you come to me, before you set up this dummy robbery? Before you hire this piece of shit. This was something on the side, Bernie. I didn't wanna involve you on this. Well, I'm involved now! Let me tell you something... Anybody...anybody! Finds out you stole from the family, we are both dead. What fucking family? The family who still calls me a fucking kike? To my face! You know, I'm fifty nine years old Bernie, they still pinched my cheek like i'm some fucking kid. Family. The money flows up, easy. You know that. That's why this driver's gotta go, Bernie. He's gotta go. and your pal, Shannon. it's these two guys, that can tie me to this robbery. Now, it's your turn to clean up after me. All this priceless cars... One would think you'd have better locks. Doors is always open to you. Going somewhere? I was thinking about it. I'm looking for your driver. You breaking in here, I figure its bad news. No, Shannon. It's bad luck. Two thousand heist a year in this city, he has to pick the wrong one. He tried to put it right. Well, he picked the wrong guy for that too. My partner is a belligerent asshole, with his back against the wall. Right now, so am I. If I don't set this straight, I'm in big trouble. Any idea where he might be? Mexico. or maybe it was Balise. really? I was excited about this whole thing. my name on a car! I mean, look how beautiful. I wanted to see my name on this thing. I think we would've made a go with this business. Don't worry. Don't worry. That's it. It's done. There is no pain, its over. Its over. I think this has gone on long enough. You see any reason for this to continue? What do you say we meet? Why would I wanna do that? Well... You, me and your girlfriend are the only players left. How's that for a reason? When? Tomorrow. There's a place on Sherman Way... there's a restaurant called ' The Great Wall' You know it? I'll find it. Can I talk to you? I won't keep you long. I have to go somewhere now. I don't think I can come back. Just getting to be around you... was the best thing that ever happened to me. Did you bring the money? Here's what I'm prepared to offer... You give me the money, the girl is safe. Forever, nobody knows about it. She's off the limits. I can't offer you the same. So, this is what I would suggest. We conclude our deals... we shake hands. You'll start the rest of you life. Any dreams you have, plans or hopes for the future; I think you got to put that on holds. For the rest of your life, you're gonna be looking over your shoulder. I'm just telling you this, b'cos I want you to know the truth. But the girl is safe. You going somewhere? Yeah, I gotta get up early in the morning. You don't wanna stay the night? John, can you help me zip this up? My name is David. It's nothing... personal. You're a decent guy. I'll let myself out. Hey, what up dude? What happened to that hottie you brought here last night? The usual. Yeah, she left. Nailed and bailed, huh? Yeah. God, you're such a pig! Whatever. You just don't get it. I'm just happy for the guy. Yeah right. Good one. She didn't even know my name. Remember when I used to wake up next to chicks and not know their name? Sometimes you forget my name. Of course you didn't stay the night. Yeah. Exactly. So what are you bitching about? Cause I'm sick of these one night stands! How often is this going to happen? This eternal spiral I keep going down. I wanna girl I can actually hang out with. A girl I can play video games with. You don't even play video games. Yeah Vickie. That's besides the point. I guess... I guess it's not really Maggie, but... I guess, I'm not really out there looking for "the one". Uhh, uhh, I guess I'm looking, but... I'm not... not really expecting to find her. Well, maybe if you stopped looking in dive bars! Well, it's the only place I'm comfortable talking to girls. You get a few drinks in me and I... loosen up. I'm never going to see them again, so I'm not gonna mess it up. You know it...? When it comes to a girl you really wanna... spend time with its like... something different. You know what it is? I freeze up. I get nervous. I start sweating. I'm afraid I'm gonna do the wrong thing; say the wrong thing. Make the whole thing awkward. Just ruin the moment. Epic fail, bro! Epic fail. You just gotta get out of that comfort zone your in, man. Get out of my comfort zone? Yeah. This coming from a guy who hasn't put on a pair of pants in 2 months. Shut up! You don't even know how hard it is to live this lifestyle. Oh my god, I'm sure it's so difficult. I'm sure it'd be a lot more difficult if you didn't have a bunch of rich dead relatives. Hey! Just because he's willfully unemployed... does not mean he doesn't work hard. He's dating me. Damn straight! We're gonna find you a girl, David. Don't strain yourself. Hey. Hey. What about the neighbor? You know the one with the cute dog. The one that David has a crush on? I'm right here. Oh, wait, not the dog... the girl. Thanks for pointing that out. I got that. Never mind. Hey David... Hmmm? Will you get..uh... will you go get the newspaper? Will you go get the newspaper? Cause, I don't want to miss this level. It's level 30, and we're gonna get wings. Will you go get it? Oh! Fine. Anything else? The paper. Boz. Boz, where are you? Hi! Hi. Boz. Walking your dog, huh? More like he's walking me. Hi. I'm Jen. I'm John... Uh, I'm David. My name's David. Great. Guess I'll see you around then, David. Yeah! See you. See you around. I'm John! ? ! What the hell is wrong with me? Hey Meg. I was just thinking about calling you. Oh my god! Me too! And then I did, because I know exactly what you need right now. Retail therapy! I'm not going shopping. Why not? I thought you said you moved to LA to stop moping around and get on with your life. That and to be close to me and my AWESOMENESS! And the whole moving on thing too. Whatever. So you ready? You wanna go? I have too much unpacking to do. Then don't. Fill your closets with new stuff. Come on. It will be good for you to get out and meet other people. I just talked to someone. A neighbor. We had a perfectly normal conversation. Perfectly normal. So there's nothing to worry about. OK. Seriously, Jen, you need new clothes. I didn't want to be mean about it. But your stuff is from like, eons ago. It's kind of getting embarrassing. Have you seriously not been shopping since you've been single? Fine. I'll go. Great. OK if Audrey comes too? Sure. Awesome. See you in a bit. [Doorbell. Knocking] Hey girl. You ready to go yet? We just got off the phone? I'll go get my shoes. She must think the world waits for her. Some people can be so inconsiderate. Hey doggie. Ready to go? Jen. This is way to close to pastels... These were on their way out 5 minutes ago. No one wears this blend of cotton and rayon anymore. They just don't. Come on let's go. Do you see me in your cross hairs? Not right now. What are you doing out here little buddy? Look at you. Let's go inside. Stop! Check it out! Look what I found in the backyard. Oh, it's a puppy! Let me see 'im! Hi! What an angel! Seriously? Get back over here. We're almost at the next save point. I love you! What's his name? His name is Boz. Hi Boz. Hey this is that girl's dog, huh? Mmm hmm. Come on. Come on. Get back in the game. Not going to wait all day. Oh, I love you. What is it all of a sudden? - What brings you here all of a sudden? - All of a sudden? You are a ruthless boy. You saw me as a meaningless father. Ji Hyun... you can't declare her dead? Then what about me? Do you think I can declare my own daughter dead! ? I'm sorry. But the company... As you know, without Ji Hyun's land, there's no way we can get the money. Find another way. You find it. I didn't make the choice that easily. I can't concentrate on the company. Don't you care what happens to the company? What will you do not working here? This company belongs to you. I will take care of Ji Hyun, so you can take care of the company. Quit the company and watch over Ji Hyun! ? You call yourself a man? If you're like this and my daughter wakes up, you think I'd still give her to you? To a weak-willed bum who quit his job? Even if it isn't your company, I can still support Ji Hyun. Immature, thick-headed... That's what I'm saying, you fool! I scouted you to this company. Did you come to this company because of Ji Hyun? Yes, I came for Ji Hyun. If not for Ji Hyun why would I have come to Shin Ga San Up? Because your offer was too good to refuse? Because of the perks? Because I might succeed you? You merciless boy. You think I don't know you're a good catch. You and I both know that there's a chance Ji Hyun could be like that forever. So why can you and not I be by her side! Because you're the only person I can trust. After just a little time, you'll know why. You'll be able to understand me. Why are you doing this to me? You're still here. Isn't this request enough? Father. It's been handled well. Don't worry. I'll call after meeting with Dr. Jung. He chose you, Manager Kang, who is quite skillful. It's not a praiseworthy task since losing the seal was my fault. Then, how shall we proceed? So as we planned, Mr. Jung, you will support us on the Singapore and Haemido land. It is like a guarantee for the contract. A guarantee? If the money is not paid back in time, the land in Haemido becomes yours. If you can't pay back, Haemido is ours... and if you find the daughter's seal then our plan goes back to the original. Contact me once you've ironed out your terms. We still need the okay from President Shin. [Kang] Hello, Kang. You want to meet today? What's this about? If it were something I could say over the phone, would I ask you over? Okay, I'll wait. Why do you keep doing that? You're meeting Kang before coming here? You know how much I've been worrying since yesterday. I'm out of my mind with curiosity. I'll call after hearing what Kang has to say. Go home. Not my house, yours. We should still be careful. See you later. You called? The shop is really busy right now. Why do you make me call you when we're really busy? What? Why do you keep poking your head in? You saw? You made me see, and now, you saw? What do you need now? I'm curious. Well, there's something I'd like to negotiate with you. I know I have no right to but... Negotiate? You remember what you said? That day I almost choked and died. Your words, really. Anyway, you said, how could I come and go as I please as if this were a freelance job? Can't I do that? Freelance job? I don't have much time in this body anyway, and there's so much to take care of but I don't have time outside of working here. Instead, I'll just take 30,000 won an hour. 30,000? Honestly, 40,000 an hour wasn't that much to start with! When I looked up minimum wage, it's actually 43,200 per hour. Less than that, it's like slavery! You might as well report me. Oh no, of course not. It's not my place. Does someone who knows her place borrow my computer to look up minimum wage standards? I didn't borrow your computer for that reason. Then how did you find out the minimum wage? That was to figure out how to calculate the freelance job rate. So you did do a search here. I did, but I really did it for the job rate... Do you think someone who stiffed you 320 won will really pay a freelance rate of 30,000? $2.50. Would that be enough? Try a little harder. Thank you for everything. I'll try to find another freelance job. Just a minute. That was a joke. You know my circumstances and that was a joke? That... Do it, the freelance job. Let's make the contract. For how much? 30,000? 40,000? 50,000? 100,000? What you get now. No, 45,000 sounds good, right? That way we have met the minimum wage standards... What's this? Are you making fun of me? No, just a joke. Surprised? You really thought I was angry, didn't you? Did you come to drink because you couldn't find my seal? Gi Jun, call Song Yi Kyung over. Okay. Noonim. Song Yi Kyung, if you don't want to be misunderstood, don't act so you could be. Like just now, why act in such a way to be misunderstood? Just now, I was just standing here, sir. Showing no response when a customer is speaking. Ignoring someone after seeing them. At first being overly friendly, then not at all. This isn't right. I understand. And not apologizing after receiving criticism? Won't you apologize? Remember, if your necklace breaks, your 49 days are over. I'll strive to correct my behavior. Where did you hear I had a fiancee? You don't have a fiancee? I do, but... Sir, I'm at work, I have no interest in your personal life. Just a moment. Hyung, you're here. You should have come to my office, why are you here? Let's go. Okay. Go ahead. What did Song Yi Kyung do before this? Why? Are you in a relationship with her? No, she's just a part-timer. Then fire her. What? Why use someone who makes customers uncomfortable? I'll have to train her again. Here. You said she's someone whose circumstances you're trying to improve. What are her circumstances? That's her private life. You're quite strange. Is she your friend, a lover? Why not tell me if she's just a part-timer? Even a part-timer has a personal life and pride. You're being so unlike yourself, why? What about me? You're usually such a cold person. But you're not to her... why? Ji Hyun being in the state she's in, I feel bad to her and you for saying this, but if you take Ji Hyun out of the equation, you acting this way... it means you're attracted to her. What? You're interested, but you can't say you like her, and bother her instead. You know, the kind of things immature cowardly men do. Say something plausible. So why do something so unlike you? Going overboard and being overly sensitive. I'm not saying you really... Did you call me here to say this? - No, but... - Then let's talk later. My mood is wretched. Hyung, you acting this way... it means you're attracted to her. Me? You're interested, but you can't say you like her, and bother her instead. You know, the kind of things immature cowardly men do. I... that woman? You startled me. You offend me. Song Yi Kyung, why do you look at me like that? What is "like that"? That look of contempt. No one's ever looked at me like that. Could it be that you see my eyes that way because you think you ought to see it? - What? - If not, then good. You... you're very interesting. Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translator: far Spot Translator: moey Timer: dizzybugs Editor/QC: reluctantbutaddicted Coordinators: mily2, ay_link It's better than being a scheduler like me, you're a hundred times better off. How did you become a scheduler? You came by yesterday? I think she knows. When I see that girl, she reminds me of Shin Ji Hyun. I don't like you. Why don't you like me? I said I do not like you. Let's just end it here. You're fired, don't ever show up here again. Brought to you by Fighting! Fansubs [Episode 13] {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}"I Love You" {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}Are the words I keep screaming in my heart {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}"I Love You" {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}Are the words I can only whisper behind you {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}"I Love You" {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}Are words that I can't speak for fear they will disappear {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}I'm loving you so much, that it scares me... {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}I love you ~ What do you think you're doing? No, what have you done? What, have I done anything just now? Didn't you just hug me? I did? I was in a sleepwalking mode so I don't remember. Why are you so startled? That's so old-school. You seemed to be in low-spirits, so I gave you a hug to lift your spirits. A hug of encouragement. Don't you know that? I've lived in the States for 10 years. Hugs are an everyday thing over there. Ah... you haven't lived in the States before, so you don't know. It doesn't seem to be that kind of a hug... Song, didn't you say you were an orphan? You don't have anyone to talk to or rely on, right? You seemed so disheartened when you were walking over, and it looked like you were very lonely and exhausted too. Does he want to be someone who loves Song Yi Kyung? Why are you thinking about it so deeply? Let's go. In our country, for someone with a girlfriend, it's not appropriate to just randomly hug any woman. I never mentioned having a girlfriend. But you have a woman that you like. Just because she's a woman I like, does she have to be my girlfriend? You even gave her a huge bouquet of flowers. If she still isn't your girlfriend, what have you been doing? I didn't give her the flowers to make her my girlfriend. Then what were the flowers for? For encouragement! You've just said you gave me the hug for encouragement too! What, is there a problem with that? This woman, and that woman. Is it your hobby to give every woman some encouragement? It isn't just any woman! What is that supposed to mean? Ahjusshi. Hmm? Grilled beef risotto, Olio pasta, Magarita (biscuits), salad. Could you make some quickly? Is someone coming? It's for me to eat. Oh? Owh... I understand. Leave out the Bay leaves. I get it! Guys and girls pairing up, what's up with all of us here lately? Hmm? Everything has been served. Miss Song Yi Kyung with a big appetite, Help me do away with some of these. What is there to do away with? There are times where I have a poor appetite. I'm good with just getting a taste of these. The leftover food would be such a waste. So you're asking me... to help finish all of these? I'm just asking you to take care of whatever leftovers. Putting it in such a manner... It's such a pity that there's so much left, so I'm just going to have to eat it. A person... should know what's important (in life). Miss Song Yi Kyung, why are you eating all these? Didn't you ask me to get rid of these? You're to live. A person eats so that they can live. They don't eat just to die in the end. To live... to survive... is what's most important in the end. Do you understand? I understand what you're saying, but I don't get the meaning. Having such delicious food. Being angry. Vengeance. Love. They all become pointless if you're dead. Why is he like this? Has he found out about who I am? Don't you have a time limit? You mentioned it previously, being able to live for only 48 days. Ah... I don't know what illness you have, but eat a little more to lift your spirits. Has he discovered something? I don't know what you're up to, but survival is the most important, kid. What? Kang and Song Yi Kyung? Why are you saying such ridiculous things? I'm just reporting what I saw. Could you have seen wrongly? You must have seen wrongly. Here. The seal was hidden in a place like that? The day Ji Hyun hid her seal at my place, was the day we spring cleaned the restaurant. That was the day Ji Hyun's wedding was to be held, the day you went to the hospital. She hid the seal on her own wedding day. These bastards! You're just gonna let these bastards go? I've picked up the Hae Mi Island registration form on my way back. I've had my seniors help me analyze the problems between Shin Family and HM. Hey Hey HEY! Is the company important now? Saving Ji Hyun is more important! This is something that Ji Hyun should know best. But seeing that she's still hanging around Min Ho Hyung, there must be a reason to it. If it's about the company, you'll just need to let Ji Hyun's father know. How am I to put it? He puts much trust in Min Ho Hyung and even named him the successor in his will. There isn't any evidence. Would he believe me? That's true. And we can't say anything about Ji Hyun. If something goes wrong Ji Hyun will be in danger! Ahjusshi, you figured it out yourself too, not me! I know that! I know, you kid. Turns out that it was a soul possessing the body. How could there be something like this? Feels like I'm in a dream. Ah! This isn't a dream, right? Regain your spirits! Hey, Kang. Don't do something you'll regret again, okay? The most urgent matter is to get Ji Hyun's father to go for the surgery. That's right. Cheer up! Hae Won! Hae Won! What are you guys up to? Miss Hwa Joon. You should have knocked first! Oh, I think I'd figured something out. Here, have a look. Sincerity is only best expressed through the heart. And to prove that sincerity, it's shown in the eyes. Haven't we done this before? We have? They say that the eyes are the mirrors to the soul... This isn't that bad. I should note it down like this too. {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}~You're so beautiful, [Avril Lavigne - I Love You] {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}but that's not why I love you. {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I'm not sure you... Aish, there's a shadow! Did you check? Did Han Kang discovered something? Why do you want to know that? I'm so scared... scared to death! Give this a logical thought. A soul going into another person's body, does it make any sense? It's because Han Kang has been acting strangely. He was always suspicious of me before, but he's treating me so nice now. Maybe he's come to like Song Yi Kyung? That's pathetic. Only coming to realize true love after becoming a spirit... Love's only interesting when there's a twist in the plot. So does that mean I can be at ease now? As long as you don't reveal it yourself. Humans are aware that they'll die sooner or later someday. But who knows what happens after they die? But I know what happens. How hilarious. You're saying that I won't remember a single thing about it if I live on? It's be a huge trouble if you do remember! If the 49 days traveler remembers his journey, Won't everthing about me, this dashing Scheduler, be revealed? And they'll be a long line of people committing suicide just to meet me. Don't kid around! If you do remember, won't the boundaries between life and death collapse? Will you be allowed to remember it? Knowing that people always talk and can't keep secrets? I won't be able to remember? Everything that occurred during the 49 days? Then I definitely can't just let Kang Min Ho be. If I live on, I'll just continue marrying him without remembering anything! That might or might not happen. Do you happen to have answered a call from a person by the name of Park Jung Eun? Saying that she's Ji Hyun's friend. Park Jun Eun? Ji Hyun has such a friend? You're sure that you haven't answered such a call? I've met a person called Park Jung Eun and even did an interview. And so I thought about our Ji Hyun. Park Jung Eun? She went to Jinan yesterday, and bought Suckling Pig Soup, saying it was for Ji Hyun's dad. Why did it have to be the day that we went there as well? [Kim Sun Young] Sun Young, it's Shin In Jung. Do you have the phone number of the Park Jung Eun that called you? You're no longer someone that I want to understand. Was it because I acted innocent like how I was before? And so you hate me? Is your relationship with Shin In Jung that strong? Then I must get that password (of the safe), Even if I have to put up at Kang Min Ho's place in my spirit/soul state. Noonim! I need to get some water, could you move aside? Why do you need water? We're re-potting the flower pots, so I need some water. Re-potting the flower pots? Doesn't that mean changing the soil in the flower pot as well? Oh, right. The President doesn't allow Noona to clean the washroom. Ahjusshi! The door isn't locked. It isn't Ahjusshi, it's me. I've something to settle, so I need to go off work. Come in. What? The wind's blowing in, and it'll be cold so come in and talk. Have a seat. I just came to say that I'll be going off now. I won't eat you up, so have a seat. I was just thinking about having a cup of tea. Wasn't this one re-potted? Do you like plants? The flower pot sure is huge. I heard it was re-potted? Did you take such a large one downstairs? Are you nuts? If hurt my back while carrying such a heavy load, it'll be the end for my manhood. This flower pot was planned to be placed in this position in a hundred years to come. But what did you say just now? Hurt your back? I'm a man too, Miss Song-Yi-Kyung. I'm a man but not a pervert, so come have a seat. N-No... I didn't mean that. I have to go. Finish the tea before leaving. This tune... It's my mom's favorite song. Ah... So that's why you recalled... What is this? Go on. Where to? Didn't you say you had to leave from work? Yes... it seems to be... Ah... your hand. I wanted to give you some encouragement. Kang and Song Yi Kyung? Mr. Kang Min Ho, you will never be able to understand me. You're no longer someone that I want to understand. She just came to look for me a few hours ago... I've said it's alright, so why did you come out? I'll take it as a stroll, and walk you to the bus stop at the same time. I don't have the time to take a stroll. I have somewhere to go to, I'll leave first. What's so urgent? Did you have to overreact like this? I just wanted to take a stroll and walk you to the bus stop at the same time. I'm not sending you there on purpose. Miss Song Yi Kyung! Hyung, what's the matter? There's something I need to meet Song Yi Kyung for. Hyung. He didn't come here to look for you the President, but he was looking for me. You should go in first. Looks like you've changed your target to Kang. That's right. Kang should be an easier target. Any woman who knows how to judge a man, would definitely be at Han Kang's side. Not Kang Min Ho's. What? I'm the only foolish one, who didn't get my judgments right, and was tackled by Kang Min Ho. What are you? Are you fooling around with me? What's your relationship with Kang? Why did you meet up with Kang at Jinan? You agreed beforehand to meet him, didn't you? Mr. Kang Min Ho, You can't ask me such questions now. This is neither the right time nor place. Why didn't you ask me this earlier when we met during the day? If that was the case, I might have answered your question. But I actually knew that you would come by. I knew you would regret it. You said you knew that I would come by? When you mentioned earlier that you were not at all interested in me, you were just trying to convince yourself. Bankruptcy plans, the will, and the affair you had with your fiancé's friend, there isn't anyone else clearer about all this than me. You're hanging out here with me, just in hopes that I would forget all about it. Whatever you've been scheming with Shin In Jung, I've never told anyone about it. That's my answer. What exactly does she need to find out from Min Ho Hyung, that she's acting like this? I've gotta know what it is so I can help. This is so nerve-wrecking. I'll have to return this to you no matter what. What happened at Jinan? You suddenly fainted and didn't even recognize me. I suffer from Narcolepsy. Narcolepsy? It's an illness where I could just suddenly faint and fall into a deep sleep. When I awaken, there are times where I might experience confusion and hallucination. Narcolepsy. I've heard of it. Is that why you couldn't recognize me? If you've had such a serious illness, you should have told me about it earlier. To a person who left someone with such a serious illness, and went back to In Jung, Do I have mention so much about my illness? So why did you send such a text message to In Jung? I've spoken to In Jung truthfully as well. I want my heart to be at peace. You've taken things too lightly. What happened between you and Shin In Jung? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm doing myself. I'd like to go back to that restaurant. The Soo Jae Bi* tasted really good. [*Soo Jae Bi -a soup with pieces of flour in a soup base with dumplings that is usually eaten with Kimchi.] and there wasn't a chance to have a proper meal there before. Didn't you mention going to that place frequently with your mother, when your family was poor? Then... since you're so successful now, do you still go back there for meals with your mother? That was the last time I ate out before furthering my studies abroad. At that restaurant. Before you studied abroad? She's been at the hospital for a few years now. It's been several years? So the one that I met wasn't his real mother? Which hospital is she at? I must be drinking too quickly. When I'm sober, I won't usually speak of my mother. It was definitely a 6 digit number. The password is usually an important date related to a person close to him, so that it wouldn't be easily forgotten. Then it could really be possible that it's his mom's birthdate. I feel sorry for you too. The things you don't want to mention, are just as much as mine. Your address, when are you planning to tell me about it? I'll let you know when the time is right. You're not telling me yet, because I haven't qualified? I'm leaving. Agasshi. If love isn't working out too well for you, would you like to have some soju with me? Hey. Shin Ji Hyun... you are definitely the largest troublemaker obstructing me from ending my term successfully. I'm most definitely sure about it. Have I done anything wrong again? You're just a traveler with another 20 days remaining, but you sure pass each day very interestingly. Do you think you're filming the Bourne series? That... isn't it my dad's car? Do you think your dad will send someone to follow you, just so he can check on his own daughter? Driver Cha, is said to be Kang Min Ho's high school friend. It must be under Kang Min Ho's instruction! What do I do? *Main cast of The Bourne Identity, the first of the Bourne film series We'll just have to become *Matt Damon and *Franka Potente then. That's just great! Thank you. It's not because of you. But I had to protect Song Yi Kyung. That's right. No matter what, this unni is physically and mentally stressed because of me, so I can't let her be frightened again. So why are you unnecessarily spying around? I need to get the password for Kang Min Ho's safe. And if you get the password, will everything be solved? If I reveal the truth about Kang Min Ho, Daddy can go ahead with the surgery, we can stop the company from going bankrupt, and secure Hae Mi island as well. And if I do get another chance to live... there won't be chance of me being deceived by Kang Min Ho again. How about the Shin Ji Hyun from before? Don't you have to continue searching for the tears for yourself? There should be, somewhere. Though I won't know if there'll be three drops, or just one. What do you mean? Actually... hasn't it already been determined? The only reason why the 49 days was granted, is somewhat as a final gift, for the souls with unscheduled deaths, right? There was never a real need to search for the tears. I can't even reveal my true identity as Shin Ji Hyun. So I cannot expect anyone to fall in love with my spirit. Isn't it the same with this? It was filled automatically. Have I not been right? Be honest with yourself. You don't have to tell me that I was right. You shouldn't keep bringing up about the tears to me again. The tears... are something that have been decided upon, when it's time for the person to die. Okay, I guess it ends here then. If this conversation goes on, it'll only cross the line. Alright. Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you. When you first introduced and told me about Song Yi Kyung unni, you mentioned that she grew up in an orphanage, right? Did I mention that? Oh yes, that's right. Why? You said you weren't going to look for Song Yi Soo, so I will. Don't think so much about looking for Song Yi Soo, You're better of figuring out how to stop Kang Min Ho from discovering your truth. Don't affect Song Yi Kyung's life too much! I know, I'll just be more careful. Is it that difficult to forget about Song Yi Kyung? Oppa, you're even drinking now to ease your worries. It isn't very nice to simply enter someone's house. Then you should have just reset the passcode to your house without my knowledge. You didn't come here to just talk about that, right? Do you recall me mentioning the name Park Jung Eun, at that time when you couldn't locate the name seal? Ji Hyun's friend. That woman has appeared once again, and done something unusual. I'm sure that the seal was taken away by that woman. It's suspicious that she went looking for Ji Hyun's friends, and when made the trip to Jinan, I felt uneasy that she was there, too. Could she be trailing us? Aren't you going a little overboard with your assumptions? Please don't be like this, Oppa, and give this a little thought. In Jung ah~, If you're feeling so distressed about things, you should go abroad and learn another language. Language course? Until this matter is resolved... No, it's even alright if you study abroad a little longer. You want me to study abroad? Isn't this as good as pushing me away? You said that you won't have anything to do with Song Yi Kyung, and told me to wait for you. But you're sending me away now, and planning something behind my back? That isn't what I meant... Oppa, how can you do this to me? For two years, you've never had any feelings for Ji Hyun, but why are you being like this with that woman? That's right, I like Song Yi Kyung, but the reason why I'm like this isn't because of Song Yi Kyung. What? Just think about how we've gone through these two years. You and I, these two years. No, to be more exact, ever since you said those words. Ever since October the 5th, year 2009. On my birthday. Ever since that day, right up till Ji Hyun's accident, All we've been through together was just a plan. What is that supposed to mean? We've always been observing the kind of person Ji Hyun was, From her character, the kind of food, color, clothes, music and hobby, even the movie that she cries while watching. Also, the personality of Ji Hyun's parents, their values, things like these that keep us on our toes. Me, in order to put Shin family in the state of bankruptcy, and to obtain Hae Mi Island, I've gone to Hyuk San. In order to completely avoid President Shin from discovering our plans, I've been continuously researching, planning and going through so much agony. And so? Wasn't all that for the two of us? What we've had in these two years was only a business dealing. It wasn't love. Our conversations and memories... there was nothing between us in these two years. We haven't been through or shared anything together, so isn't it only natural that our feelings will fade away as well? You're saying that... you no longer have feelings for me? I thought it would be the same for you. Oppa... My feelings... are really something I have no control over, In Jung. Why is it becoming harder for me to leave her body ever since I went to Jinan? How could a soul rest in it's body? I'll find Song Yi Soo very soon, so please just wait a little longer. Were you really on leave yesterday? Did something else happen instead? Leave? Didn't you said you needed a day's rest and not come to work? I did? When I came yesterday, there was a guy, who said you were on leave. Yesterday? If it was yesterday... I thought I was dreaming but, it wasn't a dream after all. Oh no, I'm in trouble, trouble! How could I have made such a mistake? How could I forget to disguise myself? This... there won't be another penalty imposed, would there? Miss Yi Kyung... where are heading to now? On the way to meet Yi Soo. How could a person not change? A person is only human if he changes! No matter what, you're still Yi Soo... Can't you just try to understand me? I... am crying. I returned to the hotel while crying. Oh, it's Oppa! I saw a man, and I felt very happy. But... That man went into a hotel room with another woman. I secretly watched them. I seemed to be very startled. Is that man, Mr. Song Yi Soo? No. It was a man I didn't know. The person observing, was you, Miss Yi Kyung? It looks like me, but it wasn't me. Don't be afraid, Miss Yi Kyung. You... you're acting kinda funny. Daddy! Dad... Daddy! Unni... please! Please pick yourself up. After going through the results of the hypnotherapy, it seems like the memories of your past and present life have been linked together. It isn't my past life. It seems like... some strange things have been happening to me. What do you mean? Strange happenings? Miss Yi Kyung, you have to explain what exactly are you trying to say. What is it? What is it that's causing you to be like this? I don't know. I'd like to say more about it, but there's just something, that's keeping me from saying it. Unni, you're returning home late very often now. But I guess it's a good thing. Unni you seem to be getting better now. Why are you here at this hour? I'd like to try out designing region A again. Have you found someone else to be in charged of it? If you haven't, I'd like to start over on it, Hyung. Take up the project again? Why the sudden change of decision? At that time, after Ji Hyun got into that state, I felt uncomfortable and did't feel like doing it. You felt uncomfortable? Working for someone that's in an unfortunate situation, just give me a certain weird feeling. Isn't it the same now? It still is the case, but after finding out about your relationship with In Jung, I just felt that I should at least help out with that. Kid... Do you want me to do it, or not? If you really want to help out, I'll be more than happy. Then I'll definitely take the project. Contact me when there's a meeting. [Park Jung Eun] Please dictate it, Sun Young. - 491 4949 Thank you. I'll hang up now! [010 491 4949] [Song Yi Kyung] [Park Jung Eun] I was planning to take you, mother, to go out for lunch or something. Lunch? Since yesterday, I've been longing to have some of the pasta that Ji Hyun likes. Then you should just go ahead to eat it. Ji Hyun once mentioned, that she had to go eat it at least once with mother. You were only thinking of eating with mother? It would be great if father could go along as well. Should I call the guardian nurse over? Have you ever seen me eating western meals? You go ahead. Mother! Why have you come over? Omo! Look who we have here? This is Kang's restaurant. We'd like to try the pasta that Ji Hyun likes, so I brought her along. Take your time to choose. It's alright, I'll just have the pasta that Ji Hyun likes. I'll have the same. I'll have the salad that Ji Hyun likes prepared too. Didn't Song Yi Kyung come to work? I'm not too sure. The order has been taken. Where is Song Yi Kyung? She doesn't seem to be here yet. It's the chance to meet her mother, so why isn't she here? Yes, that's right, it's Song Yi Soo! So he was from the same orphanage... Do you perhaps know where he is now, and what is he doing? You don't know anything at all? Yes, alright. [Han Kang] Hello? Where are you now? Why aren't you coming? I'm just walking past the park. Then run over here quickly. In five minutes. What's the matter? You'll know when you're here. What is the matter? I told you to run and you ran here as if in a 100 meters sprint? Go over to refill the water. Omo, Jung Eun ah... So you work here? Yes. How do you do? So Miss Song Yi Kyung is actually Park Jung Eun? Who? Omo, this child here is Park Jung Eun. Miss Park Jung Eun? What was the problem? Why did you have to pretend to be Park Jung Eun? No, perhaps you were actually Park Jung Eun but pretended to be Song Yi Kyung? Which one is your real name? Park Jung Eun, is my nickname at the Internet community. Internet community nickname? Park Jung Eun... Are there still people who use fake names as their nickname? That's fine. But you're Ji Hyun's friend? Why didn't you mention that earlier? No, Why did you deceive us? Are you really Ji Hyun's friend? You're not, right? - Ji Hyun's friend... - She is Ji Hyun's friend. It was under Ji Hyun's favor that I took her in here to work. What? What is the problem? Didn't she already say that Park Jung Eun is a nickname? Song, go in and accompany Ji Hyun's mom. - Kang ah! - Quickly! - Kang ah! Han Kang, what's wrong with you? I was talking with Song Yi Kyung. I was going to ask what's wrong with you. There's something suspicious about that woman and I needed to confirm it. What's so suspicious? I think you're the one that's suspicious. Is there a reason why she cannot be Ji Hyun's friend? Song Yi Kyung is Park Jung Eun. Why is that so important to you? Did you... really hire her because you knew she was Ji Hyun's friend? How important could this matter be, that you're even making use of Ji Hyun's mother? What is that supposed to mean? You say I'm using Ji Hyun's mom? I already know about your relationship with Min Ho Hyung. Even then, if you're still being like this, I think you're going overboard. No, You're being shameless. Go in for now, and don't let Ji Hyun's mom worry. How did he find out? She must have told Han Kang something. Why didn't I think about it? So, you mean Ji Hyun recommended you to work here? Yes. But... In Jung only finished half her meal. Where did she go to? She's here. I'm sorry, there was an urgent call. I'll send you when you leave. You're heading to the hospital, right? Kang ah~ You've to settle some matters at the company, right? I'll send you there. I was just going to meet a client. Oh, that's settled then. Miss Song Yi Kyung, send a cup of coffee to my office. Leave the creamer out, please. Miss Song Yi Kyung, are you really Shin Ji Hyun's friend? Yes. Really? But why didn't you tell me? Listening to your conversation just now, it seems that you were friends at the Internet community. It was the magic community. Ah, it's no wonder why you have so much resemblance to Ji Hyun! But Mr. President, Why did you tell them that you knew? I'm not sure why I did that, but I just felt that you were in a tight spot. What do you mean by... Didn't I mention it before? I owe Shin Ji Hyun many favors. Those were one of the reasons... Ah, you should know Ji Hyun better, She is a very righteous person. If a weak child is being bullied, she would defend them no matter what. Is that considered as owing me a favor? Also, I don't really like In Jung. Why? Miss Song Yi Kyung, shouldn't you know that as well? Min Ho Hyung and In Jung's relationship. How did he find out? You didn't know? I knew. Then that's good, you can leave now. What? That's why I helped you. President, the customer says she'll be leaving now. Alright. I'll be right back. In Jung will definitely tell Kang Min Ho about this. [Song Yi Kyung] Yes, it's Kang Min Ho. I have something to say, can we meet up now? I was just planning to go out to attend departmental meeting, what's the matter? What time does it end? Let's see... around 5? Then I'll wait for you at your place. [Shin In Jung] I'm here again, have you had your lunch? This kid, I've told you not to come, are you planning to work here or something? The restaurant that In Jung took me is President Han's place. I don't care about that. Why are you here again today? He says he has something to tell you. Is there anything to talk about between you and me? It might not be too appropriate for me to say this now, but please listen, on behalf of Ji Hyun. What do you mean when you say on behalf of Ji Hyun? I... am the same as Ji Hyun. What? I'm someone who doesn't even know when my mother passed away. I only found out after a year. The fact that my mom had already passed away for a year, that was a decision that my mom made for my sake. What are you trying to say now? My mother didn't tell me, why she divorced, what illness she had, or when she will die. Even before her passing, she didn't say a word about it, and sent me to the States. That's enough, I know what you're trying to say now, so stop. Even though my mom says it's for my own good, I can never understand her intentions to this day. If it was for my good, she should have just told me. How is that similar to Ji Hyun? Ji Hyun will even more so be like this. What happens if Ji Hyun wakes up to find that her father isn't there? And if she finds out that you didn't do the surgery because of her, if she finds out the truth about this... -Hey kid, who are you to threaten me? What do you know? What right do you have? Father! The breeze... it's just great. How beautiful... the sky is. Am I still able to see all these after 19 days? I don't think I'll be able to... No, I'm sure I will. I will be able to see it. What are you doing? The breeze and the sky... it's not a bad scenery. Then let's go for a drive together. It's boring to be at home on a day like this. It isn't convenient to speak in the car. The photo will be seen through by you already. I used to have a friend. Although we didn't meet each other that frequently, I knew almost everything about her. Didn't you have something to say? Come and have a seat. I am saying it now. It's a friend I met at the internet cafe. She... is Shin Ji Hyun. Shin Ji Hyun, she is my friend. When I first found out that you were Kang Min Ho, I was glad to meet you as I thought you were Shin Ji Hyun's fiancé. But after finding out about your relationship with Shin In Jung, I despised you. And then things became like this. Hold on. Hold on. You... are Ji Hyun's friend? My internet cafe nickname, it's Park Jung Eun. Park Jung Eun? Didn't you hear Shin In Jung mention it before? It was you? How could it be? The next time I'm here, that photo... your engagement photo with Shin Ji Hyun, don't let me see it again. Come in, I've finish saying what I wanted to. What did you just finish saying? The things that you wanted to say. Look here. Whether I've lied to you or not, confirm it with Kang Min Ho. Oppa, what are you doing? What did that woman say? I heard about it, and I'm thinking it through. That woman is Park Jung Eun. Park Jung Eun is Song Yi Kyung, so that is to say Song Yi Kyung is Ji Hyun's friend. I said I've heard of it. Don't you think something's not right? I will think about it, so would you please just leave. Oppa! Leave me alone to think! This is the end. Kang Min Ho won't just leave things as they are. If I just end things like this with Kang Min Ho, I won't be able to find out anything more. Daddy, what should I do? In Jung is out so quickly? Where is Kang Min Ho going? I must have given Unni a fright. Unni will get a bigger fright this time. I must wait at the door before Kang Min Ho arrives. I'm sorry, Unni. If I leave at the same time as you, I won't be able to sneak into Kang Min Ho's house. This won't do. It's a good thing I didn't go out. Take a look at this, Hae Won. I've been thinking hard all night and put in alot of effort, so have a look. Of course, I'm thankful for this. But then, why can't you tell me the reason? I'm really upset. Looks like a typhoon is coming up. When did you arrive? Did you already know about this earlier? Ah... that Song Yi Kyung is Ji Hyun's friend? I knew. Previously, Ji Hyun mentioned introducing a friend to me. But why didn't you tell me? Everytime Song Yi Kyung and I were together, you will use the reason that I am Ji Hyun's fiancé to stop me. and that's why I advised you many times. If you had told me from the start that she was Ji Hyun's friend, things would have been much easier. Because I trusted you, Hyung. I believed that you loved Ji Hyun. Do I have to keep reminding you childishly that she is your fiancé's friend? Then why did you have to keep Song Yi Kyung? You could have just fired her. Are you asking even when you know? I like that woman, and you know it too. What? I... like that woman. You like Song Yi Kyung. That's right, I knew this would be it. It isn't Song Yi Kyung, but Shin Ji Hyun. Unni, I'm heading this way. The days I'm not around, I hope you take good care of yourself. Where is she going? What's the matter? I'll be late. Is there no where else that Unni can go? And there's no one you can meet up with, too? There's someone I want to meet to, but I can't meet that person as Shin Ji Hyun, and that's why I'm feeling lonely. Unni, you're lonely because you have no one to meet too? That person called Song Yi Soo, the orphanage says they don't know about his whereabouts, and the people at Unni's school say they don't know who your best friends are. It's so frustrating. I have to go now. Don't stay here for too long. It'll be dangerous when it's late. 18 days, 4 hours and 29 minutes remain. 17 days, 4 hours and 29 minutes remain. 16 days, 4 hours and 29 minutes remain. Unni! {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}~ Because I'm wounded inside, {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Because I'm burning inside. {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I tell myself I won't have anything like love. {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Stop, forget it. please just stop and forget. I've decided, Don't be like this to me {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}but your image comes back to my heart Yi Soo ah~ {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Nothing happens, even if you forget me Why are you here only now? Why now? {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}It will be okay after a few days Unni. {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I fall asleep after laughing and crying {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I pick up my phone, then put it down, I... {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Like a fool, Just like a fool Unni, what do I do with this unni? {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}why? how many days have I been like this. What do I do? {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I'm going crazy wanting to see you {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I'm going crazy wanting to stop and forget {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Like a fool, Just like a fool {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I can't even forget you, why? {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}Can't even tell you the words to come back... {\a6\i1\3cH8D1B15}I... Why didn't I think of this solution? She graduated from Hae Myung college, Tourism department. The graduation yearbook should have the contact information of the graduates. Unni was much happier at that time. [Song Yi Kyung] [Song Yi Soo] Omo, omo, omo. This person is Song Yi Soo! She went to the same school as Song Yi Soo. [Song Yi Soo] But this person... doesn't he resemble the Scheduler? It's a really urgent and important matter! I'm busy composing a song now, so if there's anything tell me over the phone. You're composing a song? Then where are you now? At the music studio the other day? Hey! Hey! Don't come over! Oh! I'm hanging up. Aish, really. I told you not to come! You really don't listen, do you? I have something to show you. I... have found Song Yi Soo! You want me find out about his whereabouts and what he's doing, right? That's not possible! It isn't like that, you just wait and see. Here. [Song Yi Kyung] [Song Yi Soo] Huh? [Song Yi Soo] What is this? This is... me right. Brought to you by Fighting! Fansubs Main Translator: Swan Spot Translator: LolliDoALittle Timer: arcticmoonrise Editor/QC: Samecut123 Coordinators: DashRabbit, Kazu-Ichi {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}"I love you" are words I keep shouting in my heart {\a6\i1\3cH0000FF}"I love you" are words I can only whisper behind your back Who... Who will save me? God... save me. I have to live. I want to live. This... is this a tear? What will I do? It's a tear. Who is it, who is it? It's good to see you again, Shin Ji Hyun. No doubt, it's Shin Ji Hyun. Why did Shin Ji Hyun hide her seal, inside your flower pot? Shin Ji Hyun, has never been into my room. Then, who put this inside? It's Ji Hyun, it was Ji Hyun. I brought your favorite seaweed soup. Song Yi Kyung made it. Don't even think of leaving a drop of soup, drink everything, ok. Watch this closely... Someone bought it for me, so I can use it during emergencies. Dad bought it for me, so I can use it during emergencies. Live well, you lowlife. You lowlife. My feelings are right. So it was actually you. Shin Ji Hyun. It was you, you were by my side. I am happy to see you again, Shin Ji Hyun. Although I don't know what happened, Nice to meet you. Where are Ji Hyun's parents? Did anyone drop by here? One lady came over and left. When was it? Did she say where she went? There are people who love me. I didn't think there would be a single one who loved me. Thank you! -= Congratulations, congratulations, congrats for your first tear attained... =- Hey! Shin Ji Hyun, it seems like you didn't live in vain these 27 years after all. I got it! I got the tears! Hey, why are you doing this? You are not my type... I think! Seems like it actually, but we can't be like this. If I'm involved in any love acts, I will be punished severely. I'm sorry, I'm just so happy to see you. So you "lick your lips and lie", huh? To a person you're happy to see, you give this as a last goodbye? Scheduler, I'm leaving. My dad doesn't want to undergo surgery because of me. I also know, that I don't have the confidence to get the 3 drops of tears. So I think I have to leave. My mind is in a mess now. I couldn't tell you face to face that I have to leave. So, thank you so much for everything. I knew I would see you again when I rode the elevator, that's why I was like that. Right, making excuses is this woman's specialty. But, whose tear is this? Who cried for me? You still want to ask me questions like that? The 1 week penalty, have you forgotten? It's Seo Woo right? There's no one else other than Seo Woo. Believing what they want to believe is the specialty of the people in this world. I'm sure, there's no one else other than Seo Woo. If it's Seo Woo, do you want to thank her personally? Of course I have to, she shed tears for me. The person who loves me sincerely. This is Shin Ji Hyun's home, right? Is she at home? Don't you know that Ji Hyun is in the hospital? Ji Hyun's parents were not at the hospital. They just left for the hospital. Did anyone else drop by the house? Ji Hyun's friend came over. Friend? Who was it? What does she look like? What is her name? I do not know her name, but she's tall, she has good figure and also quite pretty. She came once before. After she came, did she meet Ji Hyun's parents? Seo Woo! Miss Yi Kyung, are you here to buy some bread? No, I came to meet you. I wanted to thank you. For what? Previously, you gave me free bread to eat, remember? It's nothing much, you came here to thank me because of that? It was unintentional but had a positive outcome to it. A slice of bread can save a starving person. At that time, you must have been hungry. At that time, my mind was very hungry. I didn't have any friends, I was really lonely. Ah, really? That friend at the hospital must be really blessed. Because Seo Woo is her friend. You mean Ji Hyun? I'm lucky because I have her as a friend. As I predicted, it's really you, Seo Woo. But, why don't you have any friends? Alright. I won't tell anyone that Shin In Jung's boyfriend is Kang Min Ho. Who is that man? Let's see how great he is. Manager! Give me a moment. Let Shin family announce their bankruptcy quickly. Oppa, you already got Haemido project, right? Are you here to buy bread? Nowadays, secretaries have good lives. No matter when or where, they are able to go out even during the working hours. The President is so kind-hearted, right? Oh my! The President's daughter is Shin Ji Hyun. Kang Min Ho's fiance... Miss Song Yi Kyung! You are too much, Miss Shin In Jung. Why are you here? Are you close with that woman? What were you talking about with her? You came here to ask me this? No, I came to meet you. What's she doing? We have Swiss' red wine spa from overseas. Chinese radioactivity SPA. African potato SPA. French author SPA. Parisian chocolate SPA. Malaysian coffee SPA, these and more. Oppa! Don't leave the room, stay here and don't move. Quickly announce bankruptcy! She must have heard everything. Domestic agencies offer trips that include professional spa treatment. advertise in Germany gives open-air hot spring baths and spas. Korean public bathhouse... And also, last year... After that, she disappeared. Director, he's asking you about visiting local SPA's to know about the agenda matters. Ji Nan, Doe Chun, Sok Chu and Bu Ju. -= Chauffeur =- Bung Lee Jun, you can arrange the schedule first. Where does Song Yi Kyung live? Miss Song Yi Kyung's number is not registered. It doesn't have any record numbers. A number that is not registered, it doesn't make sense? Did you check properly? Min Ho, I have done this numerous of times. Hyung, did Ji Hyun come? Who do you mean, Ji Hyun? No, I mean Song Yi Kyung. Did she come here? Don't tell me that something happened to Song Yi Kyung. No, I have some urgent matters that's why I am looking for her. She didn't contact you? What has happened? Don't you know Song Yi Kyung's address? Don't you have her resume? If she calls you, please let me know. What's wrong with this kid? What did you mean when you asked about Ji Hyun? I just blurted it out by mistake. What about Song Yi Kyung? Why are you looking for her? What happened? I will tell you next time. What's the matter? It's nothing. Ji Hyun and Song Yi Kyung, why did they talk about them? Shin Ji Hyun, where did you go exactly? Home, hospital and not even at Min Ho hyung's place. I decided to leave. To leave... meaning she will never return? What does she mean exactly? Shin Ji Hyun, where did you go? Where? Shin Ji Hyun! What's the matter? Ji Hyun! Why are you like this again? - I said I'm Song Yi Kyung. - No. You are Ji Hyun, Shin Ji Hyun. What is all this about? What exactly happened to you? How did he know that it's me? What's wrong? No, I'm not Shin Ji Hyun. I'm Song Yi Kyung. - Ji Hyun. - I said I'm not! I'm not. I'm Song Yi Kyung, I'm Song Yi Kyung. So you can't admit you are Ji Hyun, is it? Look here, president. I am neither Shin Ji Hyun, nor your part-time employee. I'm not related to you in anyway. Shin Ji Hyun, looks like you have your difficulties. Therefore, don't appear in front of me anymore. I hate to hear those meaningless words from you. Alright, I know. It's my fault. I... How did he know? Why is Han Kang suddenly like that? Since the beginning she hasn't told anyone, that she's Shin Ji Hyun. What's the reason behind it? Song Yi Kyung, who is she exactly? Looks like he already left. What to do, what to do, what to do! I returned early because of this, all because of Han Kang. If I had known earlier, I wouldn't have cleaned the place. What to do if Unnie realizes something strange happened? ! Song Yi Kyung, congratulations for becoming a middle school student. Is this Song Yi Soo? -= Congrats, Song Yi Kyung on your 20th birthday. = = Even when you are 99 years old, I will still wish you happy birthday. - Yi Soo =- Looks like Song Yi Soo is not her younger brother. My goodness! Name: Song Yi Kyung Age: 28 years old Born in Chuncheon, lived in an orphanage. That's right. This Unnie is an orphan. Then, who is Song Yi Soo? Even when Yi Kyung is 99 years old, he will still wish her happy birthday. Is this person already dead? Unni, I have to trouble you again today. Unni, I am in a bad situation now. There are many things I have to do. Even if it's like this, what exactly happened to Song Yi Soo? No matter what methods I have to use, I will try to find out. Sleepwalking is movement during sleep which you won't notice. So you may not remember at all. The thought of sleepwalking feels scarier. It feels like there's a part of me which I don't know about. Previously, I told you about the Hypnosis treatment, would you like to try it? The hospital will be closed the following day. There won't be any staff. So it won't be inconvenient. Dad. What exactly do you want me to do? Why did you insist until now? Until now, I only have one tear. What if something happens to you within this 49 days? What should I do? Alright. Honey, don't go for the operation. Mom! How could that be? Let Min Ho take over you. Be my guardian and Ji Hyun's. It's not necessary. Other than you, I don't need any other guardians. Ji Hyun's guardian, I will do it. If you are dead, I will take care of your funeral. No matter what happens, I will make sure I live longer than Ji Hyun. Don't you worry about it, and die peacefully. Ji Hyun's mother, what's wrong with you? Are you like this because you can't trust Min Ho? Please don't believe Kang Min Ho. Dad. No way. It's not because I don't believe in Min Ho. It's because there's no need to. Because I can do it. I am Ji Hyun's mom. You have protected me for a lifetime. From now on, I... will be Ji Hyun's and your guardian. Time remaining is 24 days, 4 hours and 59 minutes. Unni. So it was like that. By borrowing Song Yi Kyung's body, she was able to live. Hey, Song Yi Kyung! Song Yi Kyung, you said you were leaving to a faraway place, how did it go? Here you are again. You totally ignored my question. Right now, I'm here to scout for Song Yi Kyung. What did you say? If you have nothing to do, let's go to my shop. Forget it. Wait! Yesterday I was rude, because I drank too much and was dreaming. Inside my dream, Song Yi Kyung appeared, saying that she was Shin Ji Hyun and she wanted me to save her. In fact, I do sleepwalk a bit. Does that even make sense? If I don't make sense, Song Yi Kyung, you really are Shin Ji Hyun, aren't you? It doesn't make sense, right? What have I done wrong? It's all because of the dream. Or maybe I'm crazy. Has he really become crazy? Don't tell me, you really thought I was crazy? Do you really sleepwalk? If you don't believe me, you can ask Hae Won ahjusshi. Because I said these things yesterday, he scolded me the whole night and told me to bring you back. Why did Manager scold you? Hae Won ahjusshi is originally a buddhist, you know. He predicted that, if I don't bring you back, our shop will go out of business. What are you saying? In the dream, Song Yi Kyung your help, He said that I have to be with someone with the surname Song, or something like that. I... what should I do? Looks like his sleepwalking is actually so serious. Your part-time salary will be increased by 50%, you can still remain as a freelance worker, and you don't have to report when you start and finish work. Really? Why did you submit your resignation letter? It made me feel humiliated. Hurry and come with me. He really doesn't know, right? Don't you dare tell people about my sleepwalking! I won't say until I die. Song Yi Kyung is free to attend work, leave work and take leave at anytime she pleases. She has the freedom to work at anytime she likes. So it will be like this. Dismissed. Ahjusshi, we need to talk. Alright. You don't have to say anything. Welcome back! Yi Kyung, a very warm welcome to you! Because couples think alike. I also welcome you unconditionally. Must know how to choose the right team. No matter how, I'm extremely grateful to everyone. I am not. Song Yi Kyung. What's the reason for giving me this? I am like a cactus; thorny and evil, right? You said you resigned to have me scolded, right? No, it's not. Unni, you might look prickly on the outside, but you have many tears inside just like a cactus, that's why I gave it to you. Tears? Does cactus have tears inside? Last time, I watched a drama about people who are prepared to cry anytime. Answer the phone! Answer the phone! Hey, quickly answer the phone, answer the phone! -= Kang Min Ho =- I'm going to answer this call. She is really strange. How did she know? Soo Jin, you have broken up with your boyfriends for more than 10 times. Your marriage also failed. You said you will never marry again. You are divorced already? Alright, for Yi Kyung, I will help you interpret the dream like that. Alright. Ahjusshi, when you were young, you were a Monk at Jinan right? Yes. Before I came to Seoul with your Mom, I never left Jinan. Is there anything, like 49 days? During the 49 days, The wandering soul story. Could you tell me in detail? Why are you suddenly asking me that? Tomorrow, I am going to Jinan. That's why I wanted to know suddenly. You're going to Jinan tomorrow? My mother's death anniversary is in a few days. At the same time, I can go to see my mother's home and also, get some fresh air. President, Can I go out for a while? You will come back, right? But, you must come back. Of course, I will come back. Promise before you leave. If you are going to leave when you are outside, you have to call to inform you are knocking off. I understand. You are really difficult person to contact. Song Yi Kyung, why was your phone switched off? Do I have to explain to you why my phone is switched off? You should at least give me a chance to explain. After I was ridiculed, you just left silently. You should know how many times have I called you. 27 missed called in 2 days. Let me tell you the reason for the 27 calls. I'm not here to listen to your explanations. I came here to return this. Since you already had a fiancee, yet you are someone who has a terrible plan, and became your fiancee's best friend's man, although I know this, the desire to enter that man's home, I still seem to have it. Kang Min Ho. I already said I won't meet you anymore. You should be aware of this. I already know you are a bad person. According to the ethical standards of the world, I'm sure I'm a bad person. Although you find it hard to understand. Your fiancee's company going bankrupt, the will... It's not easy to understand the situation. And not just that, there's still your fiancee's friend. You're right. Shin In Jung and I have been dating for a long time. We met before I went overseas to study. She waited for 2 years until I returned from the States. It's not fun. Unlocking the mystery all at once is not much fun. Let me ask you something. Your relationship, your problems, I'm not interested in that. What you just said, Since you already knew, why did you still meet me? If it's an important call, answer it. I am leaving. Yes, Director Seo. We can't use that money at this time yet. Director Chung, is it? Director Seo has been working with Dad's company ever since when it was established. I said no already! Tomorrow, I will go over. Let's meet and talk. Representative Nam, Kong Min Jun, I will be on a business trip to Jinan tomorrow, prepare it. Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow, I also have a trip to Sokcho, for 2 days and 1 night. You are too much, Shin In Jung. Why are you always looking for Song Yi Kyung, what's the matter? Exactly, what is the matter? Oppa, you are free tomorrow, right? Tomorrow? I have a business trip to Jinan. Why so sudden? That's good. Let's go together. I'm going with Representative Nam and Kong Min Jun. We will not come back on same day. So, you will return the day after? I have to visit Gangwon Island too. I have some preparations to do, so I'm hanging up. Please be careful. Where did she go? She knows she has to come back quickly. What are you doing in the parking lot? Why do you care? What's wrong with doing some exercise? Then please continue. Kang! Miss Yi Kyung, we meet again. Miss Song Yi Kyung has returned? Previously, she had disappeared, right? You... Are you dating Song Yi Kyung? What are you saying? Then why are you always looking for her? Furthermore, Miss Yi Kyung... Why did you look for her at Director Kang's office? That, how did you know all that? In front of the elevator... You didn't see me? You were there at that time? What exactly... is the matter? Didn't you have something to say? What is it? Ah, yes. I wanted to ask you if you are free tomorrow. I... I am going to Jinan tomorrow. Jinan? Why are you suddenly going to Jinan? It's nothing. That's good. I was going to ask you to go to Jinan together. Seo Woo and I decided to go Jinan tomorrow. The cherry blossoms there, are in full bloom now. Is it? That's good. Then, we can go together tomorrow. I'm going to leave early tomorrow. There are lot of matters I need to handle during the day. But at least... we will eat dinner together, right? Miss Yi Kyung, what are you doing? Do you have something you want to say? I have nothing particular to say... Can't I sit here for a minute? How can you not? Now that I think about it, that day, I didn't greet you properly. You mean the day that I kept the secret? It might be difficult to explain, we also have our own difficulties. I also thought of that. Therefore, I already said I will not tell anyone. Really? Was it because you saw me at Seo Woo's shop, that's why you can't let go? I am... sometimes a little bit rude. So it's like that. I thought you misunderstood me. That's why you deliberately made it difficult for me. I didn't know your difficulties, and in this kind of situation, it's difficult to let people think the right way. Until we meet again, let's chat. It will be great if we can catch a movie together. How about tomorrow? Not tomorrow... I have some work to do in Jinan. Jinan? Right now, in Jinan... it's the cherry blossoms season, right? We, do you want to go to Jinan tomorrow? Since you moved to Busan, you no longer went to Jinan. I'm not interested. Han Kang, also is going to Jinan tomorrow. We should also go. I can help arrange a meeting between you and Han Kang. Miss Yi Kyung, in front of you, you see a door, right? First, try to open that door. I cannot... open it. Then, try putting some effort. I opened it. I beg you, unni. Miss Yi Kyung, it's alright. It's alright, Miss Yi Kyung. Come on. Open your eyes, Miss Yi Kyung. What's wrong, Miss Yi Kyung? What did you see? Doctor! What I'm seeing... what was it? What did you see? You are really becoming more and more careless. Why did you come? You didn't even call. That's why. Now you didn't even ask, and caused trouble straight away. I did not cause any trouble. Aren't you on your way to do it now? You borrowed someone else's body, and planned to go for holiday with a man for two days and one night. Do you know what are you doing now? Is this body yours? It's not an overnight visit. Look here, I booked a bus at 8:30PM, I will be able to return before 12AM. Kang Min Ho thinks it's a two days and one night trip. You really don't understand men, do you? Even if it's the same day return trip, In the end, it will be two days and one night. This is what man is. You, right now... are worrying about me? Or worrying about Song Yi Kyung? What did you say? The person whom you are responsible for, isn't it me? However, why are you acting like you are Song Yi Kyung's oppa? As long as it's later than twelve, every single minute means one day less for me. Do you think I will stay overnight at Jinan with Kang Min Ho? You would pull me away, and put me inside the elevator. That's why I don't want you to go. It's really dangerous. Kang Min Ho and Shin In Jung... the two of them are going to Jinan. So you plan to start a love triangle in Jinan? What exactly are you going to do there? I will do what I can. My father, because of Kang Min Ho, endured it until now because he doesn't want to have the operation. Even if my life is in a vegetative state, Dad will still trust that Kang Min Ho will help Mom be my guardian. I have to break that trust. Only then will Dad do the surgery. Just receive 2 more drops of tears then. That, is not something which I can do easily. That time when you received your first drop, you even thanked the gods and heavens. That, is because I was touched when I received love from someone. Thanks to that, I have the will to carry on. However, I have also found out that people don't love me. This is something which I knew when I was alive. Even if I was rush, Love, is not something which I can get, even if I pray for it. After you left this world, matters that happen you'd still ignore, right? These things are already things you've let go of when you left. It's my dad's life at stake! Hey! This person is really... Go away... go! Go! Even if you get into trouble, I won't care. That won't be my responsibility. Don't look at me like the trouble-making Shin Ji Hyun I was before. I already died once, because of an accident. After dying, I died again a second time. I am not afraid of death. I'm afraid... my dad is going to die because of me. Growing old and dying... is not something that humans can change by working hard. Kang. I'm not sure... This is... Hwa Jun prepared this for you; food for the road, a rice ball. And also some fruit. This is the name of the convent. How did you find about this? At the top of the pagoda, Once you arrive at the other side of the pagoda, look for the abbot there and then you'll know. Ajusshi! I didn't say anything before. How is it that, you seem to know about this? What do I know? I don't know anything. I was afraid to say it. I also know why you didn't say. There must be a hidden reason. Thank you, Ajusshi. Why are you here? I also have to go Jinan. I need a ride. What are you going to do at Jinan? Because Kang Min Ho wanted to go. What kind of woman is Shin Ji Hyun? You shouldn't worry about the kind of woman Ji Hyun seemed to be. What kind of woman exactly is she, that she was cheated by her friend and her friend's lover? She is not an interesting woman. Extremely innocent, pure. Kang Min Ho, you are also not an interesting man. Not interesting means that, doesn't it? Easy to see through. So you're saying that you can also see through me? I can see everything. But there's one thing I can't see. Why must you make them bankrupt? Shin Ji Hyun's family. Do they have any conflict with you? Difficult and unspeakable feelings. There's no such thing. I've also said before, right? She is a kind woman. Her parents are also good people. Then, why must you make them bankrupt without a reason? They are unlucky, just like me. Like you? Yes, like me. What do you mean? Knowing too much details would not be fun. I am just asking because it is fun. I do not feel obliged to let Kang Min Ho think that it's interesting. It's just, if I explain it clearly all at once, it'd be too boring. It's your first time at Jinan, right? Jinan is a place with natural landscapes and sky blue water. I know better than you. Over there, you can see Maisan Mountain. This is my playground. It seems like a lot of fun. - You are the abbot of the monks, aren't you? - Yes. I heard you know this monk. Who is it? That... I came to find this elderly. I heard he has been practicing here for 50 years. Once you saw me, you found yourself pondering? Certainly, not you. It's not like that, elder. Would it be a bother to tell me? I absolutely won't tell anyone else. I also cannot be sure that you won't tell anyone. Since you know it can't be said... why would I say it? Rotten brat. In the future, I may still have to live for thirty years? Also that is said, 49 day period. They absolutely cannot say who they really are, right? I don't know. Others may possibly have said that. After the 49 days, if you want to come over to live... How? What do you need to do? I have a meeting with the Director and then I will be at the SPA which is estimated to take three to four hours. But then, how are you going to spend your time alone? Can't we go to the factory together? Didn't I already say that I have to go to the factory? Didn't you say you'd meet with the factory director on the phone? I will not go to the factory. When my work is complete, I will give you a call. Until then, you have freetime. Okay, I got it. That's really... Are you threatening me? Director Jung means... Director Kang, you are delaying bankruptcy. Let me meet with you once. Meet? That's a threat, isn't it? I have planned it so that by the end of March, after the factory closes down, thus I bought the land. Buying land in advance is you, Director Seo and not me. How about I tell Chairman Shin Il Shik about everything that happened? What's going to happen? He also can't do anything about it anymore. He sent me to the factory and let me fix things up. How can this be good... How to do it? Before my orders please try not to do any damage. If it weren't for my allergies, I'd move to Jinan. I'm afraid in this life, I will not meet you all. Perhaps... Although, my allergies are cured now, and my skin is as smooth as honey... you remember how I looked when I first moved here, right? You became the object of attraction for the village crowd. That time, it was you and Ji Hyun who scolded the kids for me. That was when we were The Three Musketeers. It was so fun. For you, Jinan is full of good memories. Let's go look around our old school. Also, at the water courtyard by your home. And all the places we had lived in. Let's go to all of them! Well, you go ahead and have a look, I have to make a call. Hello. Director Kang Min Ho who came today from Seoul, his room is ready, right? What is the room number? Shin Ji Hyun, all this time you must have been so lonely. Nobody recognizes you, and you can't tell anyone about it, doing everything alone. You must have been really lonely. Kids, today, we are splitting in groups to raise proceeds for the donation drive. Like this, form a team with the person who has the same set of tarot cards. Here, choose the card. Here... 1, 2, 3. This cannot be! Being in the same group as him, I'm really unlucky. Hey, who wants to change with me? Change with me? Change with me, how about it? What do I do? Ah, really! I also do not want to be in same group as you. Hey, Miss Song Yi Kyung. What do I do? What do I do? How come you are here? That, that is, like... You have also heard of this famous school. I went to this school. But our school is not famous. You did not hear the problem clearly, right? I should be asked by Jinan to do what, right? How did you get to Jinan? I came here with Kang Min Ho. Min Ho Hyung? Although I came with Kang Min Ho, I just came with him, not for any other reasons. Of course, you probably still like Min Ho hyung. I do not like the engaged man. It seems that you like the engaged man, it's just like accepting the death penalty. I am not in any kind of relationship with Kang Min Ho. Liking the engaged man is very normal. Loving a person is one's own business. It's very painful to hide feelings. Han Kang, what's suddenly wrong? Why are you not angry? Hello. Where are you? In Jung-ah. Then before 6PM, please come to the restaurant at Sakura hotel. Well, then I'll see you soon. Then, I will meet you at 7PM at the pavilion. Oppa, when will the work be completed? Call me when you're done. I'm going to have a drink with Representative Nam and Go Mi Jin. I will call when work gets over. So, you are really happy? Of course! All this time living in Seoul... My skin has become worse, and my sensitive skin is coming back. Now, it's becoming tight like this; it feels really good. Tell Kang that I'm going back, I will be back. You two eat first. When are you planning to return? Where can I go? After thirty minutes, call me and ask why I haven't come yet. Then I'll say that something came up at home so I can't come over. You're really not planning to return? Definitely. Give me your car. You ride Kang's car there, and don't mention anything about Ji Hyun. You are going to your parent's home, right? Hmm... Director Kang knew that you'd come to Jinan, and asked you to come to the Pavilion, in front of cherry blossom road at 7PM. You're meeting Min Ho at around seven, right? You still have time, what are you planning to do? I will do as I deem fit. You are not familiar with this place, how are you going to do? Since it's your first time at Jinan, I will guide you around. Get in! Thanks to you, the tour of the town was really good. Have a nice meeting with Min Ho. Hey, Park Seo Woo. Kang-ah, why aren't you coming? I'm leaving. Seo Woo should be waiting for him, right? I'm coming over right now. Where were you all this time? I was having fun. What did you do alone? This place seems beautiful. Let's walk for a while. Aren't you hungry? Let's eat dinner here. I just want to keep walking. Is something wrong? I'm a bit dizzy. Yi Kyung, It's because of you that I'm going crazy. What did I do? Miss Yi Kyung. Miss Yi Kyung. Miss Yi Kyung. Miss Yi Kyung. Miss Yi Kyung, are you alright? Who are you? -= Next Episode Preview =- Regarding Ji Hyun's strong desire to acquire and possess. You were wiling to follow him to Jinan. Do you like Min Ho Hyung that much? Do I need a reason to just follow him? Bastard! What is wrong with you? Is it because of Song Yi Kyung? You clearly know about our relationship, what are you trying to do? You are afraid that Kang Min Ho will be snatched away? Where are you going? You're dressed up so handsomely. I'm going on a date. Oh, so you're a playboy right? Song Yi Kyung, what do you want me to help you with? Kang Min Ho, you absolutely will not know. Now, I do not wish to know. Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad What's wrong with you? I feel a little dizzy. Yi Kyung. - I'm going crazy because of you. - What did I do? Yi Kyung. Yi Kyung. Yi Kyung. Are you okay? Who are you? Yi Kyung, what's wrong with you? Are you unwell? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? - Yi Kyung, it's me, Kang Min Ho. - Oppa! Wait a second. Oppa, what's going on here? In Jung. Why are you with that woman? Did you and that woman come together? Let's go over there and talk. Please calm down, Yi Kyung. Do you recognize me? You troublemaker! It doesn't matter. It's nothing. Let me explain. You are...? I'm going crazy, Yi Soo. Why? Because this place is too beautiful. I'm going crazy too. Because I'm so pretty? You're as scary as a ghost. When we build a pension, I want to plant some cherry blossoms. Alright. What is going on here? I should be asking you what's going on. Aren't you supposed to be on a business trip? But, did you come here with Song Yi Kyung on vacation instead? Where did she go? Oppa! In Jung, wait here for a second. What are you doing right now? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but the person I came here with fainted over there. I'm going to make sure she's okay. I just knew it would be like this. I knew it would end up like this. I knew there would be trouble! Yell at me later. What should I do? What should I do? What do you mean what should you do? She woke up, so there's nothing we can do about it. Then what do I do? If I'm not back at Unni's place by midnight, won't I lose a day? Will I just die like this? You can't die. It wasn't your fault, since Song Yi Kyung woke up on her own. Why did she wake up at this place? Is there something about this place? That's a relief. Then what do I do now? What do I do if she finds out I came here with Kang Min Ho? Those two aren't the problem, it's that girl. She was sleeping at home, but woke up to find herself here. Is she just going to let that slide? Have you ever heard about how a Taoist priest casts out demons? In this situation, when the host body wakes up unexpectedly outside the home, we can transform the host's memory into a dream. That would erase one day from Song Yi Kyung. In doing that, you will also lose one of your 49 days. Last time, one day was deducted because of Dad's will. Now I lose another day? Didn't you say it's not my fault? Even though we don't know what it was, you triggered something important in that woman's memory. Or, you can abandon Song Yi Kyung and just enjoy the flowers here. Where did Unni go? Over there... with Han Kang. That's not important right now. Hurry and catch up with them. Come and have your fortunes told! Come and have your daily fortune told. Have your daily fortune told. Please come and have a look. I can read you your love horoscope. That... Unni, Unni. Have your fortune told. I'm a professional. Come and have a look. I'm really accurate. Unni! Let me read your tarot cards. Have your tarot cards read. 5,000* won. 5,000 won. (approximately USD $5) Hey, Han Kang. Stop staring at me. Go over there and pull in customers. We need to make a lot of money to make a substantial contribution to the orphanage. Those kids there are so sweet! It doesn't matter. Watching the sunset dyed in red. Suddenly, your sorrowful face comes to mind. I slowly lower my head. - Hey! You're embarrassing me. - My eyes fill with tears. I'm unable to say a single word. I love you. There's only you in this world. Do you want your tarot card read? This stuff is all fake. It isn't fake. How does this work? Please pay 5,000 won first. Pick a tarot card, and then I'll read it for you. [Song Yi Kyung] Okay, let's begin. Please select a card. You may pick one card or you can pick it. I'll pick one. No, I'll do it. What's that? Should minors be carrying around these inappropriate cards? Is this card bad? This... This card symbolizes unconditional love. Really? The bread in the lover's hand represents a perfect union, marriage, and an unbreakable love. In other words, the two of you are a perfect pair of lovers. I picked that card. This... Is a special gift for lovers who are fated to be together. Tada! Wow, it's a pink rose. It's so pretty. This is my favorite flower. Thanks. - Isn't it pretty? - Yes. You're not hungry? I'm going crazy, Song Yi Soo. Now what's wrong? How could I not be hungry? But this single rose filled my stomach. Give it to me, it's mine. Hey! The name of our pension will be "February". February as in the month of February, plus love... So it's February Love. I came up with the name February. Yi Soo. I'll plant cherry blossom trees all around the fence surrounding the pension. "I love you" ~ words I keep shouting in my heart "I love you" ~ words I can only whisper behind your back "I love you" ~ words that I can't speak for fear they will disappear I love you so much it scares me I have to confess my love for you today Even if I can only live for one day Now I'm going to confess, I'm going to say "I love you"~ Why am I a liar? Do you know how to read tarot cards? You think I wouldn't know even that just by watching from the sidelines? They're not fated lovers or whatever. He picked this card. From where they stood, it was facing the opposite direction. A profound separation, likely an eternal separation. Why did you interpret it from your direction instead? Why did you lie? They looked so happy together, how could I tell them they'll be separated forever? You have to. Why didn't you say it? Why did I have to? Because it's a lie. Don't you know what a lie of kindness is? A white lie, do you know what that is? Why should you make that decision? Who do you think you are? How do you know whether they wanted to hear lies, or the truth? Did you know? I'm asking you. They came all the way from Cheon Chuan... And you wanted to be the nice guy? Brat, you need to understand what you should and shouldn't do. Didn't they leave here happily? So everything is fine. Because they were lied to! Aren't you the fool who pretended to hate your mom's seaweed soup and ran off to Nanshan? What? Nothing. Nothing at all. I said wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just consider it my fault. Let's play this. Come on. Get rid of all this stuff. Don't do that! Hey! Leave! Leave! Leave! Leave! Slowly my tears fall down, unintentionally fall. you might wipe them, so I hide them. I can erase it all. I can forget it. But thinking my life without you, tears form. You didn't say anything, You were the one that left Hey, Shin Ji Hyun! Hurry and get back in here. I wish it wasn't true Oh, I got it. Shin Ji Hyun! It is okay for you to come back. It is okay for you to come back. I love you, I still do. Please, Please. Nothing has happened. Nothing has happened. When I wake up tonight, I will be with you again. Children, look over here. Ji Hyun is transferring to a school in Seoul today. We won't see her anymore. Don't do it. What's wrong, Child? Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun? - What's wrong. - No, Dad. No! Get in the car quickly. - Ji Hyun. - Ahjussi, stop the car. Ahjussi! Father. Go to America with your father. Everyday, it was the same old song, you asking me to send you to your father. I'll deduct a day then. I'm leaving. What about Unni's part-time job? What are you doing here? So it's Ji Hyun. Oh, right. We came over there together just now, right? I fainted just now. Let's go eat. What? A super-eater who misses a meal, will faint from hunger. Did he notice anything? Let's go. Yi Kyung! Song Yi Kyung! Park Seo Woo. I'm leaving. - Yi Kyung, it's me, Kang Min Ho. - Oppa! This is your first time coming to Jinan, right? The meat here gets rave reviews. Ahjumma, please bring two more servings. This is enough. This isn't enough. I know you can eat a lot. - What are you doing? - What? You just started acting this way. Even though I came with Kang Min Ho, you didn't get mad. You keep being nice to me. [Kang Min Ho] I'm going to answer this call. Don't answer it. We're in the middle of eating. Who keeps calling? ! Don't think about going to see Min Ho hyung. Come back to Seoul with me. You might as well just admit, you don't like Song Yi Kyung meeting Kang Min Ho. The number you dialed cannot be connected. After the beep, you'll be connected to voicemail. She turned off her phone? She must be fine then. In Jung, wait here for a second. What kind of man is he, that you can't bring him home? The man you're dating isn't married, is he? [Seo Woo] I couldn't wake her up no matter what I did, so I called you. She was crying and shouting and being impossible. Did you leave her here all alone? Help me get Seo Woo into the car. Isn't there someone waiting in the hotel room for you? Seo Woo. Seo Woo. Please call a driver for us. Yes. Seo Woo. Get up, ok? It's me. Cancel the business trip. I'm returning to Seoul. Kang Min Ho and Shin In Jung, what happened with them? The three of us were supposed to meet. Why did Unni have to wake up at that very moment? That's the shop Dad always goes to. What? Is there something you need to do at that restaurant? What? There isn't. Oh, suckling pig soup. That's Ahjussi Hae Won's favorite food. Let's go and buy some. Get out of the car. Yi Kyung, are you okay? Who are you? Why is Kang in Jinan? Aren't you hungry? Yi Kyung, you're here. It's time for me to be here, so I came. Starting tomorrow, it would be great if you could come ten minutes early. Stop being so demanding. First, start with a sweet caramel macchiato. Noona, I have a favor to ask. I absolutely will not help an underage guy sneakily buy cigarettes. You're still a little kid, why are you thinking about smoking? And also, high school students should act like high school students. You should go home by midnight. Kids these days are a problem, a problem. Does this guy never sleep? It's the middle of the night, is he going to work? Song Yi Kyung didn't come to work today? Song Yi Kyung is on maternity leave. Oh, really? Yes, really. Customer, if you're not ordering coffee... Could you stop blocking my field of vision? Oh, sorry. Look at that. Look at that. Men are the type of creatures, that won't spend money if there isn't a woman nearby. Come out so we can talk. Min Ho oppa, so this is how you end up coming to my house. This is the first time you've been to my house. It's the first time you've been in my bedroom as well. You've never seen the way I live, have you? That's true. That's the truth. When I was living with Ji Hyun, it was because it was Ji Hyun's house. In front of Seo Woo, because you were Ji Hyun's boyfriend, forget about coming inside, you never even came near the front door. And we've never gone on a trip together. That woman... It hasn't even been a month and you took her with you on a business trip. The Kang Min Ho who cleanly separated work and personal life. I know you're in a bad mood right now. You know? Yet you did it anyway? Why did you do it? I'm attracted to her. It's not that I didn't try to avoid being attracted to her, but it still turned out this way. I have no idea how it became this way. I feel apologetic towards you, but my heart keeps being drawn to her subconsciously. Your heart is... drawn to her? Does that mean you like her for real? I'm telling you because I can't keep lying to you. It's not because you got caught? Even if I didn't see you in Jinan, I would have told you after I got back. Nothing will happen between that woman and me. Wait for me. Wait for you for what? I've waited five years for you already! You want me to keep waiting for what? We've been together for five years already! It's been five years already! Lower your voice. Seo Woo is here. It doesn't matter. Let her hear. You're being so cautious because you think we can end things calmly and peacefully. Then you can pretend I don't exist and do whatever you want? I told you I'm trying. I hate myself for being like this too. My heart doesn't do as I tell it to. It's scary and I hate it a lot too. So now you want me to keep my mouth shut, because you started this thing. Now, I... I'm not afraid of being caught by anyone. Even if I wanted to, Ji Hyun is already that way. I have nothing to be afraid of now! Let's talk later. Go take care of Seo Woo. We're here. Hand that to me. I'll leave after I watch you go in. I already said it's fine. It's not fine. Do you like Min Ho hyung so much that you went with him to Jinan? Of course I have my reasons for following him there. I said it's fine, why do you keep asking? Tell me if you need help at home. Idiot! Idiot! You saw Min Ho hyung and In Jung at the hotel, do you still like him after that? Why am I not bouncing out? Is it because we had to erase one day from Unni's memory? The feeling of physical exhaustion... is great. Kang, what's going on? Why were you in Jinan? Is Song Yi Kyung okay? She seemed a little strange to me. What's wrong with you? Are you acting like this now because of Song Yi Kyung? When did it start? When did you and In Jung start? Bastard! This is for Ji Hyun! This is for Ji Hyun too! This is... You're not hitting me? Use that. Are you trying to sweet me up after hitting me? You hit me like you wanted to kill me. Explain to me clearly... what exactly is going on? When did you and In Jung start? When did we start? Of course it was after Ji Hyun's accident. I saw my friend at the hotel. And I saw my fiancé too. Do you think I'm stupid? Your relationship with her started before the accident. Did Song Yi Kyung tell you anything? Tell me what? How did you know to come over last time? In Jung called you oppa. Length of time doesn't matter in a relationship. Then what is Song Yi Kyung? Do you like both In Jung and Song Yi Kyung at the same time? If you're in a relationship with In Jung, then you should focus on her, and not flirt with Song Yi Kyung. I won't stand by and do nothing. Do you like Song Yi Kyung that much? Ji Hyun is just an excuse? You're the one who should stop interfering. This isn't your decision. It's up to Song Yi Kyung. Are you this type of person? The Kang Min Ho that I like, is he such a shameless person? Thinking back, I really don't know why you stuck around me. I know your circumstances were difficult, but you were always strong and disciplined. You never tried to curry favor or manipulate to your advantage. No matter how people looked down on you, you never once responded. You never wasted any time. Even so, you did everything you needed to do. You defied your circumstances and earned my respect. You could never know how difficult my life was. Why wouldn't I know? You told me before. There are different types of poverty. The type of poverty that you understand is not being able to afford a car, your parents can't pay tuition fees, and no money to eat at restaurants. That's all you understand. What do you mean by that? Put some medicated cream on your hand. You'll suffer for a few days if you go straight to sleep. Didn't you say you were able to pick and choose to love when you could or wanted to love? I'm warning you... drop your interest in Song Yi Kyung. Why did she keep this hidden? During the 49 days, she has to be attached to a host body? The day Ji Hyun came to see me, she asked me to let her work for 48 days. The day before that was Ji Hyun's accident. 49 days is right. She can't reveal that it's her. That's why whenever I noticed something, Ji Hyun would get scared and timid. She hasn't told anyone all this time. That's that situation. Then we just need to find out how to bring her back. Gaining someone's true feelings, what does that mean? I just can't figure that out. She said she had things to do, so I let her be a freelance part-timer. It might be because of that too. Proof of true feelings, is that it? Ahjussi, you can't tell anyone about this. If we make a wrong move, something bad might happen to Ji Hyun. It's a matter of life and death, I'm too scared to say anything. Why did she hide this at my house? Because if she gives it to Min Ho, he'll know it's her? I think seals are used during the buying and selling of houses. She obviously knows about Min Ho and In Jung's relationship, but she's still hanging around. What is that about? Because it's hard to control your feelings. There's too much to think about. My head's going to explode. My mind is full of questions related to Ji Hyun. Think it over calmly. Right now you're the only person who can help Ji Hyun. What is this? Am I asleep? Did I sleep alongside Song Yi Kyung for the whole night? Oh... so that's actually possible. I haven't felt this relaxed in so long. Oh my, look who's here? Hello. Who is this? She's the girl I mentioned last time. She's Ji Hyun's friend from the magic club. Hello, Father. I'm Park Jung Eun. So this is the girl who managed to cheer you up. Why did you come here? I was in Jinan for something, and remembered Ji Hyun saying her dad likes suckling pig soup, so I bought some. You brought this all the way from Jinan? She even told you about the things I like? She said without her dad, she's like a zombie. She said no matter how great her future husband is, her dad will always be her number one. So she hopes you'll be healthy and live a long life. Kang said he knows you're going to Jinan. He asked you to wait at the cherry blossom path pavilion by 7 o'clock. Who sent this text message? Incoming call from Shin In Jung. Shin In Jung wants you to answer. Yes, this is Song Yi Kyung. Song... Yi Kyung. Yes, In Jung. Why did you send me a text message? Because I don't want to be like you and stab people in the back. We can't be considered friends, but we're still acquaintances. Are you playing around with me? Why did you say you'd keep what I told you about Kang's birthday a secret? I only said I'd keep it secret, I never said I wouldn't see Kang Min Ho. You obviously know about our relationship, so what are you trying to do? Shin In Jung, aren't you seeing your friend's fiancé? He was my man to begin with! Did you send your boyfriend over to your friend then? So you tricked your friend. Then it's fine for me to do it too. What did you say? You even trick your friends, so why can't I see Kang Min Ho? I'm not even your friend. Min Ho oppa and I, our relationship isn't that simple. Of course it can't be a serious relationship, since the two of you are allies. Don't act like you understand when you don't. You turned your boyfriend into your friend's fiancé. Besides coveting your friend's wealth, is there any other reason? There are. But I have no reason to tell you. For two years, you brought your friend and boyfriend together, but acted like nothing happened. So why are you so worked up over a woman like me? You never worried about Ji Hyun, but you're afraid I'll steal Kang Min Ho away? Min Ho oppa wouldn't break up with me. He said that clearly yesterday. Of course he won't break up with you, you're his right hand man at the office. Right hand man? ! Aren't you the president's secretary? Because you're his daughter's close friend, the president also trusts you a lot. You have a lot of influence. "President, is that man trust- worthy?" "Have him investigated secretly." "The report indicates that he's a perfect man." "President, a man like this must not be passed over." Oh! That was really how it happened. How could he break up with such a capable partner? Kang Min Ho definitely wouldn't break up with you. Don't worry about me. I'm sorry. I said I'd go but I didn't end up going. It's okay. I'm sure something must have come up. But, why are you here alone? Where's In Jung? In Jung went home, but then something came up at home... So she couldn't make it. Did you guys go to Jinan because you knew Min Ho was going? Min Ho went to Jinan too? You didn't know? In Jung must have known. She didn't mention it. How did you guys get back to Seoul? About that... I drank a lot yesterday and thought someone piggybacked me home. I thought it was a dream. Was it Min Ho? What are you saying? Jung In and Min Ho were arguing at home. They said they've dated for five years. Five years? ! It can't be. It had to have been a dream. In Jung has a boyfriend. Have you seen the man In Jung is dating? I didn't see him clearly, but I think Yi Kyung saw him before. Song Yi Kyung saw him? She said she knows who In Jung is dating, but In Jung asked her to keep it a secret. About me drinking yesterday, I was really pitiful waiting for you at the hotel. Going to Jinan made me miss Ji Hyun more. Plus, I was worried about Ji Hyun's dad's brain tumor surgery. What do you mean by that? What do you mean Ji Hyun's dad's brain tumor surgery? I didn't tell you? I heard Ji Hyun's dad won't live for much longer. That's why he made out a will. The look in the eyes. Gift. I choose feelings. You recognize love based on feelings. How would you show evidence of these feelings? Using the language of a bachelor... it's a kiss. Using the language of lovers, it's... That's enough. You can stop there. This is so hard. How many do we have? About 20 of them. But, Hae Won, why are you asking about how to show evidence of your love? I told you not to ask why. Stop it. I'm here. Where's the boss? He stepped out. Oh, did he? Yi Kyung, have you eaten? I haven't yet. How could you still not have eaten yet? Go and eat. Go! Okay. What happened to make your attitude completely change? No one has shown me so much concern before. Too bad it's a woman. If they started dating five years ago... Do you still feel guilty? What would happen if I died because of you? Who is Shin Ji Hyun to die at that kind of place? You're God's daughter. If it weren't for Min Ho oppa, I would've died long ago. They approached Ji Hyun with a plot. She said she knows who In Jung is dating, but In Jung asked her to keep it a secret. This... I'm going to borrow it temporarily. What are the two of you doing? Ji Hyun knew about all of this. I want to stay here. I heard Ji Hyun's dad wants to hand down the company to Min Ho. Dad, you can't! Why did you come to Jinan? Even though I came with Kang Min Ho, but, we only came together. Do you like Min Ho hyung so much that you went with him to Jinan? Of course I have my reasons for following him there. Shin Ji Hyun, so you didn't do it because you like Min Ho hyung. You had a different motive. [Resignation Letter] I'm resigning. What are you doing? The woman who purposely sent me a text message so I'd see her with you, is she the woman you like the most? It's great that you have me playing your secretary and friend in front of that woman. What are you talking about? You're only a few days away from declaring bankruptcy, therefore you don't need company information from me anymore. I'm resigning. In Jung. What's going on? Hello. Long time no see. What are you doing here? That's a strange question. She came to visit her friend, so what is your reason for questioning her about it? I thought she'd call me before coming. In fact, I called the secretary's desk several times, but you didn't pick up. Even when the president isn't there, the secretary should never desert her post. After the interview with Park Jung Eun, I suddenly thought of our Ji Hyun. That's why I came. Park Jung Eun? Interview? What do you mean? In order to film a video interview that will help Ji Hyun's brain recover, she contacted all of Ji Hyun's friends and classmates. Didn't you know about it? Park Jung Eun is Ji Hyun's friend who came to your house last time? Yes, she really is Ji Hyun's friend. Yesterday, she said she went to Jinan and brought over suckling pig soup for Ji Hyun's dad. Jinan... yesterday? She's tall, slender, and is very pretty. Ji Hyun's friend was looking for Ji Hyun's classmates, so why didn't she contact Seo Woo and me? Park Jung Eun... Who is she? Kang Min Ho, why haven't you called me? How could he just leave after I fainted like that? How could he not call me? Did he get back together with In Jung? He wouldn't have. No. He has to break up with Shin In Jung. Why is he declaring bankruptcy? I have to get that password. She sent a text message to In Jung telling her to come to our meeting spot. She's no ordinary woman. She's a scary woman. She's even using an unregistered cell phone number. That's the most suspicious part. Go look into it. She must be at Kang's restaurant. Follow her. Investigate where she lives, her family background, past, history, and past relationships. Pay close attention to things related to me. Got it. Also, go to the hospital, Minseng Hospital. I bumped into her there before, but in Jinan she didn't recognize me. Look into her medical history. Do a thorough investigation. I want to know why she's playing games with me. I heard Ji Hyun's father won't be able to live much longer. Ji Hyun, you still don't know, do you? I really hope you don't know. In your current condition, how could you handle finding out about your father's illness? Hey, kid. Shin Ji Hyun, what are you thinking about? You can't tell anyone. You're all by yourself. Are there only 23 days left? Yi Soo. Don't appear in my dreams. Don't appear even in my dreams. Don't appear. There are 20 days, 4 hours, 59 minutes remaining. Hi, President! What? Where are you going dressed up so nicely? Here is your flower delivery. What is this? Where are you going? On a date. Date? Why? Why? How funny. I can't give my girlfriend flowers? You have a girlfriend? That's even funnier. What? You think I don't have a woman I like? So you have a girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend, she's a woman I like. You have a woman you like, but you treat me... No, you treat Song Yi Kyung that way? You're clearly a playboy. What? How am I a playboy? You're giving a woman flowers. Plus, a man who gives that many flowers to a woman is a playboy. I don't know who she is, but I pity her. How annoying, she likes the same flowers I do. Why is she mad? You are so strange. I told you not to come, so why are you here again? I would like to be responsible for the design. If you give me another chance, I really will do my very best. That's enough. I don't want to entrust the work to such an irresponsible person. Ji Hyun doesn't need flowers. Don't come here ever again. These are Ji Hyun's favorite flowers. That's none of your concern! Please stop saying that, Honey. I will leave for today. I'll come back again. Why would you come back? I already told you not to come. Stop being like this. I'm sorry. He's not feeling well so he's a bit overly sensitive. I understand. It doesn't matter. But the surgery... He said he can't abandon Ji Hyun and go get surgery. I'm letting him have his way. May I ask you a question? Please ask. What is it? On the day of Ji Hyun's accident, I heard she was on her way to bring something to Min Ho hyung when she got into an accident. What was it? Oh, it was her seal. Seal? What is that sort of thing used for? It was because of the contract on Ji Hyun's land. We need to sell it to fund the Hae Mi Do project. Hae Mi Do? [Song Yi Kyung] [Song Yi Kyung] I originally didn't want to contact you. Really? Did you get it trouble with Shin In Jung? She must have said something about how you wavered because of a woman... who sent a text message telling her to come out in order to sabotage your relationship. Shin In Jung was right. I sent that text message. I followed you to Jinan after I found out she was going there. Why? Why else? Song Yi Kyung, what do you want from me? Isn't it the same as you... now? What is it that I want? Song Yi Kyung, what do you think I want? It's what I want. What do you want? Are you trying to play word games with me? I don't want anything from you. That's how I feel. But you're saying that what you want is what I want. I'm very curious what that is. Why aren't you talking? I'm very curious because you act like you can read my mind. Why is he suddenly being like this? That's why I say not to get ahead of yourself. Because you'll get caught. There's no need to contact me. I haven't been caught. Kang Min Ho, you could never figure me out. You're no longer someone I want to figure out. I only have 20 days left. Dad, what should I do? The number of things I can do with my own strength is growing fewer and fewer. The seal she was bringing to Min Ho hyung ended up at my house after the accident, because the seal cannot fall into Min Ho hyung's hands. Do I have to do that? Be a groomsman or whatever. Don't be then. You don't have to. But from the start, he had no intention of marrying Ji Hyun. I saw my friend at the hotel. And I saw my fiancé too. You didn't know about it until after the accident. Can't I just be a free-lance part-timer? I have a lot of things to take care of. I'm stuck here and can't just leave. Ahjussi and ahjumma seem to really love each other. Is love something that can be faked? I'm envious. I want to live like that too. That doesn't matter. You were my support during that time. If you just treat me with the care you feel towards your friend... that's enough. Song Yi Kyung is an orphan. She had no one to talk to or rely on. There's no one who loves her. Is that enough? During this time, caught between life and death, you've had such a hard time, what can I do for you? Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translator: lizzyd Spot Translator: meju Timer: dizzybugs Editor/QC: lilcanary Coordinators: mily2, ay_link Do you know how much I miss you and how much my heart aches I miss you so much, through the ravages of the passage of time My tired footsteps bring me to your side, unknowingly Even though I know there's nothing I can do for you "I love you" ~ words I keep shouting in my heart "I love you" ~ words I can only whisper behind your back "I love you" ~ words that I can't speak for fear they will disappear I love you so much it scares me I have to confess my love for you today Even if I can only live for one day Now I'm going to confess, I'm going to say I love you" Watch dramas legally at dramafever. com | crunchyroll. com Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Episode 17 Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! You rascal, where in the world are you? It's already been a day since you've left Hello? Excuse me, could I find out the destination of a taxi? I'm afraid I'll yearn for you again So I stand all night long absent-mindedly A day, as another day goes by... Where do you think Song Yi Kyung was going to run after her like that? Seoul Station. Seoul Station. My wife has gone to die after finding out she's terminally ill! That's why she left her handphone! If she finds out I'm going after her and she gets out off of the taxi, are you going to take responsibility? It's a matter of life and death. Please help me. I know I'm unable to do it I'm someone who cannot live without you I'm unable to walk even just one step Not even one step I know I'm unable to do it [ Seoul - Pusan ] I'm someone who cannot live without you Okay. With sunbae's permission, this is the most I can do for you. Thanks. Hey! Yi Kyung... bring her back. Choked up, I call out for you Without you in my heart, I cry out for you I know I'm unable to do it, I know I'm someone who cannot live without you I'm unable to walk even just one step Not even one step I... Song Yi Kyung. I'm sorry to surprise you but I'm in such a hurry. There's something I have to ask you. My name is Han Kang. How...? I saw you getting in a taxi in front of your house. There's a person I have to find, but I need you in order to... I don't know how to explain this, but... I need you in order to find that person. I know. What? I know all about what you're saying, and who you're looking for. You know? How? That person is not here. She didn't come with me. Then where is she? I don't know. I'm leaving because of her. You can't. Ji Hyun... without you she can't live again. I can't find her and she can't find me either. You know this! You're quite a strange person. Why do I have to live so a ghost can borrow my body? Unni, I was wrong. I'm sorry I got angry at you. I want... it's because I wanted to live so badly. Just for 10 days... Please endure it for just 10 more days. If you don't help me, I won't be able to do anything. I'll... have to die. What's wrong? Is... Ji Hyun here? Ji Hyun's... here? Ten days... I might die, but just for 10 days... Just for 10 days... I might be able to live. If not for 10 days then just one. Let me see my mom and dad once more. And to this friend... let me have the chance to say what I want to before I leave. Aigoo. With such a handsome man running after her, why did she live like this? A man? After she left, some guy came looking for her making such a ruckus. You're certain they didn't meet? Aigoo, might as well been waving to a departing bus. Ah! But when are you going to move in? I'll take care of the cleaning, so you should leave. Oh, all right. Then... you're saying that you can see and hear what she says? Until now, it wasn't always like that. But today... it is. You must have been very shocked. No. During that time your friend's memories and feelings were left behind in me. The situations she faced... the events she encountered... To some extent I'm aware of them. So you're saying you share... Ji Hyun's memories? Yes, but not all. But if you don't go to Busan, Min Ho might come looking for you. Will it be okay to go back to your house? You said he made you leave. Ask your friend later, if you want to know all the specifics. How is Ji Hyun right now? Is she better? Tell him I'm okay. She said to say... she's okay. Congratulations... for returning safely. Kang has found out about my relationship with Unni. What do I do from now on? You just continue on as you have. Looks like this guy... will do well on his own. But Unni... can see me... and hear my voice. There have been rare cases of that happening. There are certain souls that communicate well. It's because... she's particularly pure. From now on don't think about wandering around in the daytime. You don't have the strength to endure it. Let's continue with this discussion later. I can't do it anymore because of my nerves. You said... you were Miss Ji Hyun? You... can drop the formal speech. First off, I'm sorry... you had the accident because of me. I was the one who wanted to die. I was too rash. It's not all your fault. If I hadn't taken off my seatbelt, while reaching for my handphone... it wouldn't have come to this. Is that why... you came to me? That's not really why. The specifics are a secret so I can't tell you why... I was sent to you. You said 10 days, right? The number of days left to you. Yes. As a way to pay my debt, I'll just let only you use my body for 10 days. Just for... me? What are they talking about for so long? You've waited a long time. It's really good to see you. Me too. Drop the formalities, Song. Didn't we decide not to use honorifics? No, I just... as we always... If I relax I may make a mistake. All right, then... Instead, let's shake hands. Thank you. What have you decided to do? Today there's something I need to do at home. I'll go to work tomorrow. Did you decide to stay here? Yes, I have. Okay, it must've been very tiring and difficult today. I'll meet the landlord and deal with the room issue. Go rest. No, you don't need to do that. I can take care of it so go. And how are you going to do that? Hurry and go. You go in first. I want to see you leave first. In return, don't forget to call me tomorrow morning. I'll come pick you up. "I love you" ~ are words I keep shouting in my heart "I love you" ~ are words I can only whisper behind your back Thanks, Kang. "I love you" ~ are words that I can't speak for fear they'll disappear I love you so much it scares me "I love you" You came! You see, unni... I know. You know? Then.... I can do as unni said? They say it's all up to the body donor. What's up with these people not looking after the donor more? ! That's right. You're on the side of the body donor. You're putting in whatever you want! No, no I'm not! You need to finish the 49 days without any accidents, so that I can complete my 5 year tenure and get my wish. Would I only be worrying about Yi Kyung? Do you know how thankful I am to you, for bringing Yi Kyung back? Right, you probably don't care whether I die in 10 days or not. I can't do anything about it but that doesn't mean I'm not invested. Even dead you can't get rid of friendships. Then... you're saying I can do as unni said, right? To show your thanks, I guess you can buy Korean beef. Hey! I can't spend more than 50,000 won! There are no seasonings at unni's house so that's why I'm buying all this! What is this? You're like a kid. Put this back. No! Let's just eat this today. What are you doing? I'm Shin Ji Hyun! Ah, really! This sunbae! I'm positive she picked me to test my patience as a Scheduler. Oh, that's right. And you, Shin Ji Hyun.... you're acting like you're shooting a melodrama with Han Kang. Any touching with Yi Kyung's body is strictly forbidden! Know that I barely allow you to touch hands! What's with that expression? You want to do it? ! Don't I just need to get permission from unni? Permission? ! While living with you, the one thing I wanted to do most was to have you eat well. Although it's a waste, I threw out the instant ramen. Thank you so much for today. Here, eat the spinach too. The soup is a bit salty, right? It's okay. It's okay if you eat a lot. During all this time I prepared your body to accept food. Song Yi Soo... told me which side dishes to make. Don't be surprised. You've talked before about Yi Soo too, right? Yi Soo... How do you know him? In order to... meet you again he's been waiting for 5 years. What are you... Yi Soo died 5 years ago. You're a living person so you probably don't know, like me in front of you, there are a lot of things beyond this world that are inexplicable. You pretended you liked spinach, but you made it for Song Yi Soo to eat. And Vienna sausages were something you liked but were too expensive to eat. So he said, he pretended to like them. 1... 2... 3... 4. All right. While earning our tuition and living expenses, we attended classes. Yi Soo... also earned my tuition and barely got any sleep. But, he always packed lunch. Ta-da! Song Yi Soo, are you really going to continue like this? I said that I would pack our lunches. In a boarding house kitchen teeming with guys, you want me to see you cooking? I want you to sleep while I pack the lunches. I can sleep forever after I die. Then quit your job at the night club. Starting from next semester I'll be receiving a scholarship. Hey! I'll won't quit until I earn enough for our own apartment! With the tips I get, there's no job better than that! Plus, I'm learning the guitar from the band members. What happens if you collapse from a lack of sleep? I'll never collapse! Who am I? I'm... Yi Soo. Delicious. Did you really see... Yi Soo? He said that picture you saw was taken without his knowledge. There was conflict between you because of his music, but... Unni... this is as much as I can tell you. The rest you can hear after you meet Song Yi Soo in person. Can I really... meet Yi Soo? I don't know the exact date, but it's not far away. Until that time, he can't appear in front of you. Wait for him... for just a bit longer. ...and you called out to me Tears keep flowing Cold tears are flowing My heart hurts, and it hurts because of you I long for you in the day, Oh how I long for you I miss you so much and tears fall again Song Yi Kyung didn't leave? That's not possible, I made sure of it. And I saw Kang parked in front of her house. What? So, before the end destination you came back? I didn't know she'd follow me all that way. So, half-way there I got off the train. Are you positive that the soul didn't follow you? I made sure she couldn't follow me. It was regretful that you were leaving, but I was, relieved you'd be able to re-start your career. May I speak with Song Yi Kyung? When you get off work, stop by the hospital. Good bye. What happened? I got rid of that woman and came back. She followed me all the way onto the train. Onto the train? Even without borrowing your body, she can do that? You were even able to see her spirit? Even if I can't see it, I can feel it. Then how can I trust that you got rid of her? From tomorrow I'll be working in the day, so come and check for yourself. Where will you work during the day? At Heaven. Kang's place? Did Kang... tell you to work there? He'll probably think it's Shin Ji Hyun who's working. Song Yi Kyung... Because I worked at night and slept in the morning... that woman was able to use my body. Now I'm too scared to work during the night. So you're going to act like Shin Ji Hyun. You said the owner was Han Kang, right? He can't be 100 percent sure that Shin Ji Hyun is using my body. Because... that woman cannot reveal her identity. Shin Ji Hyun... do you take me for a fool? Do you think by telling such a story that I'd just believe you? Right now... do I look like Shin Ji Hyun to you? From when we shared bodies, quite a few of her memories remain with me. Even so, it doesn't make any sense. So with nowhere else to work, you'll work at Heaven? You expect me to believe that? Why do I need to make you believe it? That woman used my body without my permission. Do you know what I've had to endured because of that? I need somewhere to work immediately. What's the problem with me acting like Shin Ji Hyun? You can you go work at the pension I sent you to. Who are you to tell me where to go? I... didn't go because I was afraid of you. I left because I was afraid of Shin Ji Hyun. Because Ji Hyun... scared you? She said I was responsible for her accident. She hates me and was angry with me. I was so scared. Then you came and threatened me. So I left... but Shin Ji Hyun followed me. She saw the note with the address of the pension. So I got rid of her and came back. If you're suspicious, you can verify it. And if you want to find Shin Ji Hyun then you go find her. Return my room to me. And don't ever threaten me to leave ever again. Ji Hyun was acting like you. What are you talking about? You're quite similar. That gaze... it was yours. Ah... This is so nerve-wracking. I didn't ask this of her. She was the one who suggested it. Of course! Would such an idea come from Shin Ji Hyun's head? She said this was the only way he'd be fooled. Kang Min Ho's really falling for it. Now that the real Song Yi Kyung has decided to help us, that's a huge relief. But I'm still nervous. If Min Ho finds out, we don't know what he'll do. Ji Hyun's father needs to get better so that we can tell him about Director Kang. Who is it at this hour? Hello? Yes, father. JC Consulting... you've found out about them? Yes, I'll verify it tomorrow. Thank you. What? What is it? Huh? My father thanked me. A father who has sinned is like that. He's thankful to the son who asks anything of him. JC Consulting is not a real company. Yah! [Oh Sunbae] Yes, sunbae. Why are you calling at this hour? Shin Industries bankrupt? But, why are these bills suddenly being sent to us? We've settled the one for today. But after tomorrow, because of the large amount, we won't be able to handle it. What is Director Kang doing? It seems like he's looking for money, but he hasn't contacted us yet. A legal seal? Why... what did you need it for? Because of the contract on Ji Hyun's land. We need to sell it to fund the Hae Mi Do project. 9 days, 4 hours, and 29 minutes left. - Song! Song Yi Kyung! - It's Kang! What to do? What to do? The room really stinks! Wait a second! I'm sorry to surprise you, but I really had to ask you about something. What's happened? Song, don't be shocked and listen. I think that Ji Hyun left this seal in your care. Right? There's been an incident at her father's company where this must be used. But I need your help. Bankruptcy? Da... If you help, we can block it. How can I? What can I do? I can't even tell Ji Hyun's father. I've asked some of our relatives and other people, but it doesn't even amount to a 10th of what we need. That's why I'm telling you this. There is a way to halt the bankruptcy. A way to block the bankruptcy? The day Ji Hyun got into the accident, she left this seal in my care. What do you mean? Why would Ji Hyun... leave this in your care? Once we get a loan on Ji Hyun's land, we can block this bankruptcy. But, you can't let Min Ho or anyone in the company know. What do you mean by that? [ Power of Attorney ] The fact that we obtained a loan by using Ji Hyun's land as security must not be made known to anyone. I understand, Madam. You know the money has to be ready by the day after tomorrow, right? If the documents are submitted today, it'll be ready the day after tomorrow. [ 'Bankruptcy confirmed for Shin Industries' ] [ Will the Hae Mi Do Enterprise amount to nothing? ] [ 'Shin Industries Bankrupt' ] [ Shin Industries ] I've kept watch on her for 2 nights and 3 days. During the day she works at Heaven, and after work she just stays at home. Song Yi Kyung was right. If there is nothing else, then I'll go help In Jung move her things. That's right she's leaving today. Okay then. Yes, Director Jung. They paid off the promissory note? What are you talking about? That's impossible. Altogether that's nearly 4 billion won. And you're saying Ji Hyun's mother gathered that amount? She must've borrowed it from somewhere. There's no place she could've borrowed that amount from. That's a great relief, mother. I didn't do much. I'll visit father with all the documentation from my investigation. Yes, good bye. What's happened? They paid off the promissory note Any touching with Yi Kyung's body is strictly forbidden! You did it. Thank you. All right, fine, Song Yi Kyung noona. What are you going to do to repay me? You say you're thankful to me, but you don't want to hug me. So I'm fine with that. What? But what are you going to do? Why are you suddenly like this? You said you're one year older than me, Song Yi Kyung noona. Do you really think I want to be a noona? To a guy who's more like an oppa, than an oppa. Even if I can say it I can't. And even if I see it, I can't say that I did. That's Song Yi Kyung... what do you want me to do? I'm sorry. That's enough... just stop. All right. I heard everything, and I saw it all. Now stop it. You came to the coffee shop before, right? Come in. Try to find her. Didn't you come to find that woman, Shin Ji Hyun? What do you want from us? You shouldn't speak informally to someone you don't know. I came here after finding out you secured a loan on Shin Ji Hyun's land. I was right... the seal was in your hands all along. Why is everyone so... concerned as to whether I'm Shin Ji Hyun or Song Yi Kyung? Have you committed that many sins? You know what kind of person Kang Min Ho is. You may have blocked bankruptcy this time, but do you think that's the end of it? What is it you want? What are you going to do if I'm Shin Ji Hyun? And what are you going to do if I'm Song Yi Kyung? You know everything so why didn't you speak up? Are you trying to take revenge on us? Don't be like this. Just tell me what you want to do! If I was Shin Ji Hyun... then I'd follow you around forever. Do you think she can only use Song Yi Kyung's body? She can enter into any host body but even if she didn't... she can wander around as a spirit. And if Shin Ji Hyun returns again, most likely... it'll be because of you. So... while I was in intensive care you blocked a bankruptcy attempt. That's what happened? Since we've blocked it, you don't need to worry anymore. Father... how are HM Industries and JC Consulting linked? They're companies that were introduced to me by a former stock manager. Why? Could I have his name? Why are you asking for that? I sent Jin Young to observe her for 3 days and 2 nights. The only person he saw there was Song Yi Kyung. Ji Hyun could've completely taken over Song Yi Kyung's body. She definitely felt like Ji Hyun. You think I can't tell the difference between Ji Hyun and Song Yi Kyung? But you didn't. You liked her without knowing she was Ji Hyun. The one I liked wasn't Ji Hyun. I'm not criticizing you. I'm just afraid. We can't see Ji Hyun, but... Ji Hyun is watching us. Aren't you scared? Even so, what can she do? Ji Hyun was able to find the seal before we could and she was able to block the bankruptcy. There are definitely plans that we aren't aware of. What do you mean? The money they used to pay off the bank promissory note it was from a loan on Ji Hyun's land. Why are you only telling me now? ! Seo Woo! Seo Woo... there are people moving our things out. What's going on? They're not our things, they're mine. I won't take even a toothpick that's been bought with your money. What are you saying? I can't live with you because you frighten me, so I'm running away. Ji Hyun's family's bankruptcy... I heard that's your work. From this moment on we're over. I know I was wrong. You know you were wrong? It's not that I don't regret it. I have, so many times. Too bad. They say that no matter how quickly regret comes, it's always too late. I couldn't stop oppa. I was the one who... first fooled oppa. When life in Seoul was difficult to endure, I met Min Ho oppa. It was love at first sight. I liked him so much. I didn't want to appear poor in front of him. So I said that my father... was Shin Il Shik. Shin In Jung! The hatred I felt for Ji Hyun, combined with that lie... set into motion something I can't undo. You like Kang... so you should know how I feel. No matter how much you like a guy, you can't betray your friend in order to catch him. There's only the two of us left now, Seo Woo. Even though I can't stop Min Ho now, Ji Hyun's parents... I won't leave them to misery. Won't leave them in misery? That's not what I mean! I have no choice right now. Then move in with Kang Min Ho who doesn't leave you a choice! Why are you whining to me? Why can't you move in? In Jung is right. It won't be the end of it because we've blocked the bankruptcy. I can't leave like this. You said you wanted to live, but you only worry about your father's company. It's because it all happened because of me. If I had thought about it even a little, from In Jung's perspective... if I had just had more sense... and not fallen for Kang Min Ho... my mom and dad wouldn't have had to endure this. Parents... so that's what it's like to have a family. Even in the face of death, you can't think about just yourself. I'm sorry. Han Kang... don't you think about him? He's a good person. You two... seem like you like each other. If it was me... if I had known about the time that remained to us... I would've looked upon his face more. Loved him more... Treated him well... I think... that's what I would've done. The more you do that, the more you don't want to die. The more regret you'd feel. That's why I'm afraid. I don't have any hope of living... and Kang will hurt even more. You've moved out of In Jung's house, so where are you staying? For now I'm staying with an employee here. And I've left my things at a storage facility. Isn't it uncomfortable? Is comfort the issue? I can't live in the same house as her. It's such a relief that Ji Hyun has a friend like you. Even just thinking of you, she should wake up quickly. Kang, you... really liked Ji Hyun a lot, didn't you? By any chance... if like the doctor says, Ji Hyun doesn't wake up... How much time would you need before you'd look at another woman? Wh... what... What do you mean by that? If there was another woman who liked you... how long would she have to wait? Song Yi Kyung's birthday is November 8, 1984. Unable to connect. Unable to connect! Impossible to connect! Has something happened? I think I need to go to her home. Hey. Try that thing once before you go. That locator tracker or something. Ah. But, does this work even when the phone is off? The location of cellphone number 010-491-4949 is Paradise Apartments, room 703. The owner of the Paradise Apartment room is Kang - Min - Ho. The password needs to be someone's anniversary date, so that I won't forget. I asked when your mother's birthday is. When is her birthday? January 10th. 5... 2... 0... 1... 1... 0. Why is there nothing here? He definitely pulled out files from here. Shin Ji Hyun... you've fooled me convincingly. Do you still see me as Shin Ji Hyun? How can Song Yi Kyung come into my house and out of my room? ! I told you, I still have some of Shin Ji Hyun's memories. I was curious. Memories of this house kept coming back to me. Should I tell you why you are Shin Ji Hyun? I'm Song Yi Kyung. Shin Ji Hyun could never like Kang Min Ho. But you said you're interested. Not only that, you even worked at my house. And without my knowledge came in with a key. What could be the reason? You thought that I wouldn't figure it out and came into my house again. That's the evidence that proves you're Shin Ji Hyun. Simple and naive, looking at things from her own point of view. That's who Shin Ji Hyun is. You loved that Shin Ji Hyun. The one I loved wasn't Shin Ji Hyun! Then... is it me? Don't fool around. If you loved her when she was in Song Yi Kyung's body, that means you loved Shin Ji Hyun. But... you can't recognize whether she's the woman you loved or not? I'm going crazy too. I can't figure out who the woman I fell in love with is and I'm going crazy! Unni! No matter what you do, Shin Industries will go bankrupt and Hae Mi Do will come into my hands. I'll have to have that instead, in payment for you driving me insane. It seems that you still love her. Come in! Who is this person? Is it her? That's strange. There is no other spirit. No spirit? There isn't. Right now, this person is not possessed. That can't be. Please try again. Let's look around your house. Here she is. Song Yi Kyung! Kang Min Ho! Song Yi Kyung! Stay quiet. This is the police. We've received a complaint of unlawful confinement. I'd like to ask a few questions. It really is the police. I know you're inside, Hyung! Hurry and open the door! What do you mean police? Why have you come here? Don't get all angry. The one who came without my knowledge is this woman. There was something I left here. I didn't see the policeman. What? What did you think you were doing? Have you no fear? Who do you think you're... Why are you getting angry at my Yi Kyung? ! Why did you go to Min Ho's house? What did you go there for? ! I'm Song Yi Kyung. You don't think I know that you're Song Yi Kyung? I'm sorry. You're friend is next to me. What to do? How can you...? It's daytime right now... why are you...? Can the two of you go around together? I suggested that we do it like this. If so, then you should've told me beforehand. Was there any time to tell you? ! Why did you go to Min Ho's house? It seems there are some files kept there in his safe. A safe? It's a burden off my chest, you telling him everything. That's how it was. That's the reason why... you kept meeting Min Ho. I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you. Then you went in secretly and was caught by Min Ho? Oppa! What happened? Jin Young said that Ji Hyun wasn't in Song Yi Kyung's body. Is that true? They're playing with me. What are you talking about? Song Yi Kyung and Shin Ji Hyun are the same. Who was it... that I loved? Lately... there's been a lot going on, at the company. You've heard? The bankruptcy was a shock, but faulty products... I clearly remember I instructed that the equipment at Jinan Factory be changed. And the Hae Mi Do funds to be use for the construction repayment, weren't even transferred... You've found all that out so, are you well enough now? Min Ho... I'm starting to get strange ideas. They're not strange ideas. What you're thinking is correct... President. What? But it's too late now. You said you couldn't find the seal. And now... you've let them block the bankruptcy with that land? You wouldn't allow the bankruptcy, putting it off day by day... What will you do now? They only found the seal by chance. Chief Kang... you've always been well spoken, but do you know you haven't done anything well? Our terms were to turn Shin Industries over to us. Although there's been a change in the order, first we'll get Hae Mi Do, and then we'll get Shin Industries. If you're thinking of stealing Hae Mi Do from us, you won't be able to die peacefully. Don't threaten me. I'm not the type to die by your hands. Now I can't just leave... Shin Industries alone. Let's go. Welcome Yi Kyung. I've changed the sheets and bedding so you can sleep comfortably. Thank you. Hurry and put her things upstairs and then have dinner. I'll leave it to you. Let's go. Did Ji Hyun come in? She's being delivered now. Unni, I came in. She's here... on the sofa. Shin Ji Hyun, are you okay? I'm sorry for making such trouble. She says she's sorry for making you worry today. Kiddo, if you were going to do something like that, you should have told me through Yi Kyung. She didn't tell me what she was doing either. Oh... I'm sorry. I made you come here because of Ji Hyun. Why don't we have dinner first? I'm okay. Please come down. I'll be waiting for you. Are you okay? How did you come up? I didn't see you. I have a guardian angel. Hey! I'm the Grim Reaper! I mean... Scheduler! Unni, you should go and eat. The pasta here is really good and so is the pizza. Eat a lot in my stead. Tears keep flowing Cold tears are flowing My heart hurts, and it hurts because of you I long for you in the day, Oh how I long for you I miss you so much and tears fall again After Min Ho found out about everything, you had no choice but to come here. But, I wish for your stay here to be comfortable. It's not that unfamiliar to me. I haven't had a chance yet to properly thank you. Thank you so much. For giving Ji Hyun a chance... Thank you. I saw how desperate Ji Hyun was. I've wanted to die so badly. Although I want to throw away this life so much... there is another who desperately wants it. But going to such lengths, I realize how difficult it is for you. Compared to the debts I owe, it's nothing. Debts? Ah, no. Forget it. You don't need to tell me anything. Thanks for saving me from Kang Min Ho's house. I wasn't saving you! I know you must've been trying to help Song Yi Kyung, but because of that I was helped too. So thanks. If you're thankful try to avoid anything that would make me see Yi Kyung's face. But you must've received another penalty. The rules of a 49-day traveller, say that if the body donor is in danger, I'm allowed to help them. A Scheduler only works within the rules. I regained this memory for no reason. Every day feels like a thousand years. Why would I get another penalty? ! But... am I going to continue to lose strength like this? It's not only during the daytime... As you get closer to completing your 49 days, it'll get worse. I can't sleep because of the anxiety. Unni, you can't fall asleep? It's because the place you sleep in has changed because of me. No. I've had plenty of sleep because of you. I'm going to get a breath of fresh air, do you want to go together? I don't have the strength so I can't. It's dangerous, so don't go too far. Once today passes, there's only 6 days left. How can time fly by so fast? And nothing's progressing as it should. Is something the matter? Ji Hyun told me to tell you to go to bed. Really? She says that being under the same roof as you is comforting and puts her at ease. It's not because of her. It's because of Min Ho. She says that all she needs is to sleep with the doors locked. Is Ji Hyun sleeping? Can she sleep? I envy Ji Hyun. Why? But, don't get too attached to her. Ji Hyun... doesn't have that much time left. What do you mean by that? I know because I've experienced it. The more you trust and love someone, when that person leaves, the harder it becomes to endure. Song Yi Kyung, why do you speak as if Ji Hyun is going to die? Ji Hyun herself believes that she won't be able to live. That's not true. They say that God made the world in 7 days, why would you throw away hope? The more you think that way, the more difficult it is for Ji Hyun. Think that it wasn't meant to be in this lifetime, and throw away your hopes. Song Yi Kyung. You're a savior to me but I'm about to get angry, so let's stop this. Go back in. For you two... I said that's enough! Until... Ji Hyun leaves, I'm not going to give up. No! I can't give up. I'm asking you a favor, Please don't speak that way to Ji Hyun. "I love you" ~ are words I keep shouting in my heart "I love you" ~ are words I can only whisper behind your back "I love you" ~ are words that I can't speak for fear they will disappear I love you so... Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translator: csnrain Spot Translator: purpletiger86, meju Lyrics Translators: heeji16, wulijohyunjae Timer: dizzybugs Editor/QC: cupcake Coordinators: mily2, ay_link By any chance, was your desperate wish to take unni away with you? You're saying that that's what Yi Kyung thinks? Kang, I can't stop oppa now. You were Ji Hyun's friend. I have no choice. It's too late. Shin In Jung, what are you trying to do? Where do you want to go? I'll take you wherever you want. Call the elevator now. Scheduler, thanks for everything. Watch dramas legally at dramafever. com | crunchyroll. com There aren't even pretty girls here, I hate this kind of place. That playboy. Why are you looking so strangely at me during practice? That woman, where is she? You have strange taste. You treat women quite harshly. You're really an unlucky jerk. [Revealing the truth of that man's past] We have a responsibility to bring our troops back safely! My baby! Where's my baby? ! The commander in the Triangle is me! I'm going to kill all those bastards. Do people in Korea really have affection for others? I'm going to change now. That is my destiny. [SBS Drama Special City Hunter] Why do you keep denying it? ! Look at this. Are you still going to be like this? It doesn't make any sense, this woman and I. This woman is nothing. Just because you said it's nothing, doesn? t mean that it? s not something! Just because you said its nothing, it doesn? t mean that it? s not something! No, that's not it... I said it's not it! It's not, Yi Kyung! Song Yi Kyung, I already said it's not. Why don't you believe me? ! Yi Kyung! Hey. Song Yi Kyung You.. You look like. How did it become like this? Yi Kyung! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm not! I'm not! I am Shin Ji Hyun! I am not Song Yi Kyung. I'm not her, ok? I am Shin Ji Hyun! Do you remember now? Do you remember Unni? But.. This picture... What is this...? You don't recognize this picture? It was inside unni's locker. You and unni didn't break up because of this? It's the first time I've seen this photo. Just because you said its nothing, doesn? t mean that it? s not something! So, Yi Kyung.. ... was like this because of me. Yi Kyung! I already said I can understand you wanting to do music. You don't understand. Because you couldn't do anything about it when I moved out. Isn't it? Because you promised to go to college together, to work together. That we would work where we could stay together, until our 'February' pension is built. That was our dream. You're still talking about that? To make you feel more comfortable, So I can't do what I want to do? Is that what you call love? Then what about you? Do you really want to be a musician? And not because you want to fool around with other women? whoa, yeah, I knew you were going to bring that up. How many times do I have to tell you that the women who come and go here don't mean anything to me? You're saying it doesn't mean anything? They are just noonas, juniors, and friends. How many times do I have to tell you? Just because you said it's nothing, doesn't mean it's not something! What are you talking about? Don't talk in circles, just say it. I want to hear it from your lips. I want to know what you honestly feel. Now, for you what kind of person I am in your heart? Please stop doing this. I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of a woman like you. Are you satisfied now? The thought of marrying you is suffocating me! Like I did for the past 18 years, looking at only you for the next 30 or 40 years... is dreadful! Yi Soo! Song Yi Kyung, Why don't you change? How can you be the same as when you were 5, 10, 19, and 23 years old? Hey! Yi Kyung came out. Look at her! Just go and make up with her. We'll be away 2 weeks doing gigs. It's not a situation that can be solved easily. Let's go! Let's go first! Song Yi Kyung, try living without me for just a fortnight. I was going to work for two weeks and come back. During the day I worked on a construction site. Do you do engravings? Of course! What would you like? S LOVE K What to do? So why did you even take those kinds of pictures? Even when I messed around I didn't act like that! This rotten girl. She must have taken the photos while I was asleep. Hey! Shin Ji Hyun Hurry and return the body back to Yi Kyung. I need to tell Yi Kyung. This is not right. It's strange. This is impossible. What is happening? Why do I remember? I shouldn't be able to. Sunbae, how can you do this? How can you let her live like that for 5 years? 5 years! What's wrong? A call. You can leave first. Be careful with her body. Does a reality exist where you do not misunderstand and are not misunderstood? Is sincerity something I should consider first from my position or the other person? To become miserable like me. I begged Kang Minho first to drag Ji Hyun down to the same level as me. Is sincerity something i should consider first from my position or the other person? For me it was love, but for In Jung it was pity. Yi Soo said it was love, but Yi Kyung believed that his heart had changed. How do you figure out love that you can't see? Something big happened, something big happened! This isn't a minor problem. Isn't it unusual? You should be thankful you're still alive. Otherwise I'd stick to you forever and cause you problems. She has a grudge towards me. So she won't return to her own body, right? Should still be wandering around everywhere. Don't you understand? Was that really Ji Hyun's doing? You have done so many bad things! Then... What should I do now? lonely soul wandering around. Take possession and then come out. How? Sender, leather mountain industry, quot; Wang replied quickly.quot; Recipient, president Shin Il Shik Do you have a record, where it was sent from? Please help me check out the address. Don't go, Hwa Joon! You abandoned and left me. This is our fate. I can't live like this. Why don't you believe in my love? Let go of me! Don't go, Hwa Joon If even you are like this... I said, I like you. There is more pain. Dear, Dear. Are you crying? What to do? It's the first time I saw Hae Won cry. What's wrong with the two of you? Han Kang, my Hae Won seems to really love me. See how she's crying. Don't cry. Hae Won. I was wrong. Don't cry. Don't cry. I was wrong, Hae Won. "Haemido Island development project" "Methods to help Ji Hyun?" "Ji Hyun's remaining time 14 days" Appearance, actions, and expressions, You are Shin Ji Hyun. What happened? What exactly happened to you? You're Ji Hyun! Shin Ji Hyun! That looked like a teardrop for sure. Tears? The proof of one's sincerity... are tears. That's right! Ahjumma! Han Kang! The tears a while ago... I think it's tears! You think so too, Ahjumma? After seeing Hae Won's tears all the past misunderstandings just went away. Ahjumma, you're the best! Oh! What do I do? Being hugged by a man so tall feels like this! -It's nice -It seems to really be tears! Me too... I truly loved my third boyfriend who died in an accident I didn't really try to, but the tears just flowed endlessly. Is that so? Soon Jin, I'll give you a vacation this month! Haha Soo Jin, that's great! What's that? Oh this, would you mind keeping it for me? Come follow me. What's that? It wasn't there before. Why do you always... Where are you looking? You're necklace is pretty, it's very unusual. Where did you buy it? It wasn't bought, I just got it from somewhere. Last time there seemed to be nothing inside but now something went in. It looks just like a teardrop. When did that necklace change? Why do you keep asking that? I can't even ask when that necklace changed? Because the necklace before, and now are different. This is just... a question anyone can ask. When did it change? This... The day that I handed in my resignation letter. The day you handed in your resignation? Why? Could that be... my tear? What's wrong? That day, I... Because you handed in your resignation, I was so sad... I went to Ji Hyun's room and cried. You say you cried? Kang! So it was you? It really is a tear! Why are you crying? Because I'm thankful... because I'm so thankful. Miss Song Yi Kyung. Stop crying and go to work. Joon Hee is not here, the place will be very busy. I should do that. Kang! Ms. Seo Woo Ms. Yi Kyung, it's been a while. Kang, I have something to tell you that's why I came. I was just about to go out. What's the matter? Did you know about In Jung and Min Ho's relationship? It was Kang! It was Han Kang! I'm already done in Zhen'an company greeting. I'm doing fine. Because president Shin woke up The will became useless. So now you are calling me? In this situation. Leather products do not also want, is it? An early decision will be good. From now on do not say "Stop" or "Don't do that." That won't happen. Oh, I know. Since president Shin has awakened, shouldn't we let him know quickly? He is still in the intensive care unit. Jay said the company is set up in the United States. Looks like I'll have to ask my father to look into it. You'll contact your father? Is my pride the problem here? Then what do I do? President Kang, are you going to search for tears? Ahjussi and Ahjumma told me the most important part. Actually, the only way to save Ji hyun. Actually, Hwa Joon achieved a major thing. Then we have an answer now, right? Ways of getting sincere tears Can you do it without telling her about Ji Hyun? Don't worry, now she absolutely trusts me and is waiting patiently. Ahjushi, you met a really good woman. Didn't you also meet a good woman? Ji Hyun is a really bright person, why did Director Kang have to do that? Think of Min-ho hyung's upbringing. I can understand his resentment. How difficult it must have been. I'm sad just by listening to his hardship. Even so, this isn't right. There are people like me who have been abandoned in the temple. There are also other people that have to care for sick parents and a younger sibling. Living with extreme hardship. Min-ho hyung was not like this in US. Thinking about his mother while trying to get an MBA, Life's effort is extremely serious. Why did I like hyung in the first place? But where is Director Kang's mother now? But where is Director Kang's mother now? I don't know. I heard she is sick. I asked him a few times after returning to Korea, but he wouldn't tell me. Ahjushi, I'll come back after I take Ji Hyun home. Kang, is Song Yi Kyung really all right? While I was looking outside, she seemed to be fine. Why? It's not even just a day or two, maybe she would catch on, I'm just worried. I also worry about that. But I can't just bring it up first. It is possible that a situation which allows for it may occur, Let's meet up with her first. Hello Hey, Song Yi Kyung! Where are you? Where are you now? What's the matter? You're in Kang's restaurant, right? Come down now! Mr. Kang Min Ho! Where are you going? Kang Min-ho is at the parking lot. Wait. Stop now. Although I don't know what it is. But what can you do? What can you do while meeting Kang Min Ho? When you're Song Yi Kyung. It's because when I'm Song Yi Kyung that I can be able to do something. But still, stop that. I can't bear to watch any longer. Just please believe me. I won't stand idly. I'll come back after I send him away. What brings you here? Song Yi Kyung! Why didn't you resign? I told you to quit, didn't I? I don't have any thoughts of resigning, didn't I tell you that? Why won't you quit? Why? Why? Because there's someone that I like here! What? So don't contact me again in the future. Because I have no thoughts of meeting you again! You like Kang? Go. Then what am I to you? Didn't you like me? You said you liked me! I didn't! I never liked you, not even a moment. Although I may have convinced myself into liking you just like how you're convincing yourself now. Why did you appear? Stop it! Don't even think about meeting this woman again! Also, don't come here again! Let's go. Was it Ji Hyun? You said it back in the States, when you come back to Korea there was a woman you wanted to find. Was it Ji Hyun? There was a time when we could talk about those things. Are you angry? If a person knows how to talk, he should talk the way people could understand! I was really sending him away. I told him I won't see him again. Really? If a person knows how to talk, he should understand it the first time! I told him not to contact me again, you know. Well done! You should have said so earlier. I know, right? In the future don't go around alone at night. I'll send you home. But it's okay. Again! Fine then! It would be great if you take me back. Anyway, there aren't many days left to meet. During the day everybody is busy. I don't have much time left. How come I've only come to understand you now. Unni! Scheduler got his memory back. He remembered you. Unni, how about you? Can I really say this? I heard from Yi Soo why you are living like this. Unni, what is this? Can she hear my voice? Unni! Unni! Although I can't tell you all the details now, but you're someone who was truly loved by Song Yi Soo You were a very precious person to him. How does she know Yi Soo? From the moment Yi Soo abandoned me, I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Because I.. Am a person that nobody wants. I'm sorry. Are you feeling unwell? I'm alright. What would you like to order? An Americano please. Thank you! I will drink it well. Definitely unable to remember? What happened? What did your sunbae say? What was the unfinished business you had? To meet Yi Kyung as myself. So it was that. Now all you have to do is meet Unni? No, I even can't pretend to know. Not until my term ends. I cannot even tell Yi Kyung who I am. I'm also not allowed to interfere in her business. If that's the case, then how come your memory came back? They said it was because of you. They said it happened because I kept meeting you when you looked like Yi Kyung. I'm sorry. I'm causing you trouble again. There's something I definitely must tell Yi Kyung when I meet her. So for the rest of days you have left be careful with her body. And don't cause trouble. If you hurt my Yi Kyung You'll pay. All right. I'm always trying not to cause trouble. I hope that Unni can quickly solve their misunderstanding. What brings you here at this hour? As a precaution, I brought soup. As expected it looks like you drank. You don't even have food, right? Uhm, the smell of alcohol. What are you doing? I'm getting rid of the smell that doesn't suit Kang Min-ho in Kang Min-ho's house. Take a shower then come out. I'll make breakfast. What's wrong with you? Because of the people that can do it. There's only me left. Oppa, you just count on the fact that she is Ji Hyun. You think this Ji Hyun feels like she's not Ji Hyun. I will not leave oppa's side. Oppa, you are also like this. Even if she is not Ji Hyun, but is Song Yi Kyung. You are not going to her side. Because you still have me. In Jung! Even so, you are also not even think about vindication isn#39;t that Ji Hyun. Because I've already confirmed it. How did you do it? What is so important about that? She turned Ji Hyun into Song Yi Kyung. To be at our side. She intented to get close to oppa. This is the most important. Moreover, Han Kang... Also knew earlier that... Song Yi Kyung is Ji Hyun. You're saying that Han Kang already knew? Because Ji Hyun used such a method and entered someone else's body, She can't stay with us forever. You're up already. I've made soup. Le'ts eat. Let's live separately. What? Because I don't want to live together with you. You move out. You can move into Kang Min-ho's house, can't you? Seo Woo! Are you, just to want to move home from Ji Hyun come out. I just lie together sharing, right? Seo Woo, I will tell you. Why I did what I did. That you two met five years ago? How could you do that? Hey. After Ji Hyun's accident, do you know how I felt when I look at you? I think it is very funny. Although I was sad and hurt, But at least I'm not like you. At that time, I think. Ji Hyun total cannot be left behind we let go away, right? Because I'm afraid, i don't cry. But seeing you cry so hard. I thought In Jung is really Ji Hyun's friend. and I was a fake. At that time, I fully understood. However, you are that the whole is more speech came out, is it? It is not like that. The value of a conscience Don't fool me! Well, if you have a conscience then you will not cheat on your friends. Especially a very good friend who you knew for years. It's natural that you are angry. But it's only the two of us left now, Seo Woo. Even if you're angry, Please listen to me. Hey. Already said seafood and customers. As long as three days will let people feels like disgust. If you think that it was too hard on you to stay at Ji HYun's house, Ji Hyun's family took good care of you. Yes, right. The reason why I'm this way is because I was jealous of Ji Hyun. But, Ji Hyun ... even when she is dead, she has everything. What do you mean by that? You... You don't know that Han Kang likes Ji Hyun, right? Kang. He came back to South Korea from the States to find Ji Hyun. What? Song Yi Kyung is Ji Hyun's friend. That is why he is taking care of Song Yi Kyung in Ji Hyun's stead. What do you think? Even now, Do you still like Ji Hyun that much? Hey, Shin In Jung. Don't lie! Say thank you! If I also had thirteen days. I will tell my wife. That I'm very thankful to her for all these days. I'll send her a bouquet of flowers. I will also go to see my mother. What if they give my child. Write a letter, okay? Even now you can still do that, right? We don't have time. Father, mother, Han Kang, Shen In Jung. Shen In Jung. If this is Kang's. Then, Seo Woo has not cried till now? Seo Woo, have you been well. Song Yi Kyung, I heard that you and Ji Hyun are friends. What? Ah, yes. Actually... Then how come you never mentioned that? Have you been lying? You really make people uncomfortable. Who said so? Was it, In Jung? She does not even believe it. Why would she tell her? As long as the brain edema treatment went well.. He can be discharged within a week. Thank you! Husband. Meeting you one more time. I'm very happy. So am I. That you let us greet you again... thank you. Thank you. Ji Hyun... I saw her. Ji Hyun... came to save her father's life. Ji Hyun! Your father's in the room next door. Will it be okay in the end? Her skin looks better from all the sleep she got. Her skin looks better? After seeing Ji Hyun Also without realizing it the jokes just come. Ji Hyun's father also. But mother. how do you cook seaweed soup? Why seaweed soup? I suddenly want to eat seaweed soup, but I haven't tried cooking it. Omo! Today is Ji Hyun's birthday, I cooked some seaweed soup. Then can I have a bowl, no, two bowls? I'm here. Come in. Come in. You better hurry tell me the results you heard at the hospital. When you come in, I'll tell you. When you won't then I won't tell you. Have a seat. I cooked too much seaweed soup. Just help me finish up the food, okay? Why seaweed soup all of a sudden? Today is Children's Day, isn't it? In the States during Children's day they have seaweed soup. Ah! You haven't lived in the States so you don't know. Are you sure you cooked it because it's Children's day, or didn't you cook it because it's Shin Ji Hyun's birthday? This... and the one that Shin Ji Hyun's mother cooks taste exactly the same. Happy birthday, Ji Hyun! Thank you, Kang. If Shin Ji Hyun knew, she would be very thankful. Hey, Song Yi Kyung! Let's drop the formal language (minus the honorifics). Didn't you say you were a year older than me? Someone just a year older can't be a noona To press the United States method, random point that, right? Fine! Since it's just a year, I'll let it slide. How's the condition of Shin Ji Hyun's father? He is conscious now. Treatment as long as the brain swelling to spend a few days and will do. Really? Then I'll go tonight and see. I can't take you then. I need to sleep at night. Later when Ji Hyun wakes up, I'll tell her for sure, to treat Han Kang really well. Shin Ji Hyun, I hope she wakes up soon. This is the place. No, how can I just kick out a room when someone is living in it? I really need this room. I heard she lives here without a signed contract. Even though it's like that, I don't care if it's a lease or monthly rent. How do you want do. Full rent to come as you offer. We'll pay you three times the monthly rate. Really? If you are now to Proton come out. I will pay extra you are Kim. Hey, Kang Minho. Didn't I tell you clearly that I don't want you to contact me again? Don't wanna come out? Then should I go back to your home? My home. Right now I'm in front of your house. Mal Lae Dong. Kang, why are you suddenly here, has something happened? Isn't today Ji Hyun's birthday? Ji Hyun's Birthday? How did you know it was Ji Hyun's Birthday? After I returned home Min Ho said he wanted to throw his girlfriend a birthday party. Bring it to my shop. And you guys all met up again. You still remember the date? Because it was not far from my mother's death anniversary date. But it's Ji Hyun's birthday. Why did you look for me? This punk is already like this. I thought we should at least give her some good memories. Listening to In Jung and Min Ho Hyung's matters... you're probably the most pained one, right? Since when did you start taking such care of Ji Hyun? You came quite fast.. Here! Here... how did you know about here? That I actually did not even know where the woman I was dating lived... how disappointing. You followed me? Get in! Let's go eat dinner. I... I already said that I would not meet you anymore. Then looks like I am also back to snail boy properly! . What did you say? Just like Song Yi Kyung you do before that way. Also the last time you as an excuse to go for my keys. You don't remember? I am here and do not have Song Yi Kyung house keys. You think I#39;m not into the go, is it? We eat food side edge chat. E..ea..eat it! What if every day go to my home to find how to be good! . Not eating? What does your expression mean? I did not think would come here. This store special significance to me. You also do not know. I am not is anyhow who is the person all bring over the store. In Jung and you. Just two people. Bring me come here woman. But I thought you didn't like sujebi, Ji Hyun Now you eat it so well What are you saying Congratulations for coming back But what exactly happened to you? Why are going around looking like this? You should hurry and find a way to come back to your own body Kang Min Ho! You should call me oppa, Ji Hyun! . What's gotten into you? I'm Song Yi Kyung. Song Yi Kyung skin is to use application Ji Hyun, right? Are you, as Song Yi Kyung or apply Ji Hyun identity be with me to meet. Because i am Song Yi Kyung. So certainly as Song Yi Kyung will with you to meet! . What are you doing? All this time... Are you, there is no alternative difficulties. Only as Song Yi Kyung identity live, right? I am Song Yi Kyung. Then should be insisted on as Song Yi Kyung identity to do exactly. What if want to just like this escape. Too obviously explain oneself is the application Ji Hyun. Very funny. Only see you turnoff. Do not want will with you face to face sitting down only. For sure. Now you should also know i am what people. Already said no, why always say strange. Excuse me. Anything cannot be oneself is to say apply Ji Hyun reason, right? Close to my reason is what. Kang. Even if, this also cannot be with Han River recklessly. Before the end of 49 days, your identity absolutely cannot be exposed. -= Han Kang =- Kang Min-ho knows already. He knows that I'm Ji Hyun. You good head and melon race where go. Be with Han River the same situation! . Pretending it's not like that, would be fine. Kang Min-ho and Hang Kang are not the same! Be with the position of people not the same. So who let you stir up trouble everywhere. No let you don#39;t want to interfere with death occurring matter, is it? I#39;m afraid to be is dead, how even you are also to my goat. Because.. I hope you don#39;t want to seen as far as possible. Now at my eyes, you that is Yi Jing. Can aren#39;t you Yi Jing! . You have to use that kind of eyes see me, how can I do to. To me what to do. Doing what to my goat. I am also very frustrated! . You thought I would take this sister body, is it? Not to die that time. Because suicide attempts are only mess like this! . Time in a shorter every day, I was a good child. Who is it? Who is it? Attempt suicide, to me become like this that person. You are driving that time. Do not have to see before it had just a matter, you are also responsible. If in front do not have something happened so. Motorbike will also not fall. No like that, I am also at least not die. Who is it? You know this do what. The other people life mess like this. That person subject to the penalties arrived. Should be punished, right? It can't be ... I am really afraid I'm afraid so. You are very strange.. Why do you say so? I am investigate clear. That is this guy who made me become a vegetable. don't tell me This unnie? Hey, hey, Shin Ji Hyun. It is this unnie, is it her? You put me into the body of the one who killed me? Hey, hey, hey, don't be like this. Don't hit Yi Kyung. Hey, this isn't your head. This is my girl's head. Sor... Sorry. You know it. This is how I feel. Then you know who I am now,right? In Jung said she was the one who betrayed me Kang Min-Ho has discovered my identity. The heart is about to shrink. I only have 10 days left What is it exactly? death or alive. I'm turning crazy every day! The only friend I could talk to was the Scheduler But you don't want to see me because I carry your girlfriend's appearance But she's the one who caused my death I even let do not know, but. With this one sister close. To the crazy woman in love before. I can not even speak about the pain, do you not understand? How can I not understand. You think you're the only one who loves? I love, too! I cannot say anything to Kang, either My feelings are Shin Ji Hyun's. But if I reveal that I'm her I will die. Hey, you are crying. Don't cry. Don't cry. I am Shin Ji Hyun! Excuse me. In future at my call you previously, absolutely. Don#39;t want to enter this sister room. Don#39;t care I have to Song Yi Kyung sister do what. You still dare to come. Although like, but i will not go. Why must it be Yi Kyung's body. Why must it be you unni. Why must it be you? It's not your first attempt to suicide, right? Sister is in so much pain, and alone. You will be the same until you die. What if unni is dead, i don't know what to do. I'm sad and scared to death. Will I be like this person? How are you going to save me? To me become dead people. I got into an accident because of Unni. Unni made me this way. I wanted to live so much. You know how terrible my every day is? Why exactly did you do that? What is Song Yi Soo? ! What are you doing? Miss, Miss, Miss! Miss, I am renting this room out, so please leave. You're renting it out? Did you come because you have read the newspaper? We did not have contracts to ensure that Kim also taken away by you. You're suddenly like this. Vacate the room in a week! What to do. Unni, I'm sorry. Unni! What should I do...? Miss Song Yi Kyung. Still remember me? I have already received the president's permission, Lets talk for a moment. I'm sorry I frightened you the other time. Miss Song Yi Kyung. I'm Kang Min-ho. Yes, what is it? You work in a hotel before, right? There is a new develop apartment in Busan. It's already arranged for you to go. Why do I want to go there? Because if you didn't go, you will be in danger. I am a person with nothing to fear. I am a person who is afraid of many things. If Miss. Song Yi Kyung continue to lend your body. I will feel very uncomfortable and insecure. I'm like this because of fear. You can only let in the extremely dangerous situation. Here the apartment's address. And children go there to see who to contact method. I'll decide whether or not to go. Then decide quickly. If you don't go, I'm going to take appropriate action. Why hasn't unni returned? Did she know I was angry? She spoke to me. You didn't return because you are afraid? With that kind of conditions, of course it is best to go. I will not allow it. As you said. Unknownly do not need treatment situation. More should be leave. What do you mean by that? I didn't believe at first. But heard that side of people. Also one by one to find you. Even if, as you are feels like. Think that the soul is very pitiful. One body cannot accomodate two souls. What if that soul shares your body forever? What are you going to do? Song Yi Kyung-ssi Are you unwell? Americano please. Please leave. Noona ! Get Out! Unni. What's wrong? I have made a mistake. I beg you. Really. Miss, do you really want to go? That's right. How about the luggage in this room? Someone will clean up, right? You just watch clean, right? Looks like this Unni is leaving to somewhere else. What will I do? You can't do anything about it. This is your karma. What? Just like at my eyes. It's clear that Yi Kyung wants to run away. Do nothing. That also my karma the same. What do you mean by that? I .. Definitely cannot help you. Here the point of error. Not possibly unlock be with Yi Jing misunderstanding. One time also did not have that now Yi Jing eyes. Would directly sit elevator. Don't be like that. Please help me. Please help me a little. I've waited five years. I cannot make any mistakes. Only Yi Kyung is not dead yet. I will absolutely not violate the rules. Unni Where are you going? Unni ! Unni ! Where is she going? The phone is switched off. It's connected to voice mail. Song Yi Kyung! Where did Song Yi Kyung go? The lady of this house? She already left. Left? where? Why did she leave so suddenly? She just left the room. Don't you know where she went? I don't know. Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! I'm the only person in this room, who are you looking for? Shin Ji Hyun Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! Ji Hyun! This girl. Where are you? Ji Hyun! Hey, Jay, where's Rip at? This is the sign-up for the beat battle. In this corner, give it up for the Technician, y'all. - A'ight? - Boo. No doubt. And in this corner, I need y'all to make some noise and give it up for Maestro, y'all. After the coin toss, Technician, it's on you to go first. Producer, load up your CD. Select your track. Producer, are you ready for blast-off? Five, four, three, two, one. Drop it. Nah nah. He's whack. Five seconds. Time. Stop the track. Make some noise one time for the Technician, y'all. Coming up next is Maestro. Make some noise for him, y'all. Maestro, select your track, man. Producer, are you ready for blast-off? Five, four, three, two, one. Drop it. Oh! What? Oh, this is crazy! This guy fuckin' killing the shit. Yo! Time. It's over. It's over. Give it up one time for Maestro, y'all. No doubt. No doubt. Will it be the Technician advancing to the next level? Or, by round of applause, is it gonna be Maestro advancing to the next level? The people have spoken. Technician, you are the weakest link. Eh, man, get the fuck outta here, man! Give it up for your winner Maestro, advancing to the next level. Technician's track was kinda hot. It was decent. Yo, Miss Director, what's popping? Yo, when you gonna be ready to do that exclusive interview with your boy? I gotta see what you're working with tonight first. Why don't you look around, Ma? Tonight's already over, baby. It's a wrap. I gotta admit, your swagger... it's amusing. Yeah, I know you gotta love it. Yeah, you really do. I know you ain't about to interview this 10-time straight loser. - Maybe. - I see your motherfuckin' punk ass back for another beatdown. I see you brought back all your family, friends, and church members to help your ass out. Nigga is that your pastor over there? I don't need them to take you down. If you say so. Am I sensing a little hostility here? A friendly rivalry in the making? Rivalry? Don't you gotta at least win one to make this a rivalry? Why don't you tell her how many times you've beaten me, huh? Go ahead. Zero. It ain't never gonna happen. I'm-a leave y'all two alone. I hate to spoil all this amusement. We got two more competitors up here about to give it to you and give it to you good. In this corner we got Beat Priest. Make some noise for him, y'all. A'ight. And in this corner we got Rippa. Make some noise for him. Beat Priest, you must go first in round one. Load up your CD. Select your track, man. Drop it. What? Oh! Oh Lord! Beat Priest is starting a holy war up in here tonight, y'all. No doubt. Five seconds. Time. Stop the track. Stop the track. Give it up for Beat Priest, y'all. - Give it up for him. A'ight. - Boo! Up next is Rippa, y'all. Load up your CD. Select your track, producer. - Rip! - Yeah, Rip. Producer, are you ready for blast-off? - Five... - Four! ...three, two, one. Drop it. Right? Come on, yeah. Put your hands up! Come on. Five seconds. Come on, he ground him, man. He ground him. Time. Stop the track. Make some noise one time for Rippa, y'all. By round of applause will it be Beat Priest advancing to the next level? Okay. Or, by round of applause, will it be Rippa advancing to the next level? Well, I'll be damned. The people have spoken. Give it up for your winner... Beat Priest, y'all. What? Come on, man! Dawg, you heard that. That's me! Eh, man. Y'all heads ready for some real beats? This some bullshit. Yo, Rippa, what the hell is your problem, man? - What? - You heard me, bitch! - Man, say something about... - Whoa whoa whoa. You better put a leash on your boy before I break my foot off in his ass. - Man, move. - Rip! Do something then. You got your little teddy bear holding you back. - Do something. - Come on. You got a chain on your neck? Come on, do something. Be a man. Yo, why y'all still standing here? Oh, now you gonna walk away like a little punk. Punk-ass. Eh, where do you think you're going, huh? I'm out, man. What you want? Hey, I told Monique that she could put you on tape tonight for her documentary. What you do that for? You know that ain't me. Eh, this is a great opportunity. We talked about this, remember? What you wanna film me for? I just lost to a dusted-ass kid who lives at home with his moms, whose beats is fuckin' lame. Look, this has nothing to do with him, okay? This is about you. Now just listen to what she has to say. Look, your music... it... it seems to have a lot of pain and passion behind it. I'm... I'm just intrigued by where that comes from. So what do you say? No! I'm not giving you shit! - Move, man. - Rip, come on, man. See? I told you it was over before it even started. - You did call it. - I know. - So when you wanna do this? - Say whenever. I'm sorry, but if you don't have the past due amount by Friday, your financial assistance will be cut off. How am I supposed to come up with that kind of money by Friday? - I'm not sure. - This is crazy. - I'm sorry. - Yeah, sure you are. Excuse me? What am I supposed to do, go rob somebody? I don't know what to tell you, Mr. Jackson. Eh, Rip, hold up. Yeah, I don't have time for you, man. - Eh, I need to talk to you. - Why is that? Because I'm your manager and your best friend and it's kind of my business to know your business. - Oh, it is? - So what the hell's going on? Okay, fine. They're gonna kick my ass out of school unless I come up with their money. So, manager, how do I manage that? How much money do you owe 'em? - Fuckin' $2,000. - Are you kidding? How the hell do you owe them $2,000? Before my financial aid kicked in I had to take out a loan to get started and I haven't been able to pay it back. - That's messed up. - Yeah, it is messed up. You know, you got a serious grasp on the obvious and it's gonna come in handy for you one day. Don't be a jerk. As for my sorry ass... I don't know, man. I made that promise to my pops and... it's like I can't seem to catch a fucking break, man. Eh, we'll get it worked out, okay? We'll figure something out. Don't worry about it. All right, man, but I gotta have it by Friday. Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta have it Friday. All right, we'll figure it out. So what the hell was going on with you and Maestro at the club last night? You know those wannabes think they the shit because they stack the deck at the club. Yeah well, you gotta let that unprofessional bullshit go and concentrate on making music so we can actually make some money. I can't let it go, Jay. That shit they pushin' ain't right and you know it. Yeah, I know, just like the shit you did to me ain't right with Monique. I tried to set you up with that interview and you just slapped me in the face. Come on, man. What's the situation with you and Monique? Are you trying to smash that or something? Look, I'm your manager. - Yeah. - I think you're the best beatmaker. - I've ever heard. - But? But if I'm the only one that ever hears you, what the hell good is it going to do either one of us? That's why I want you to do the documentary... because of exposure. She ain't no real director. She's in film school, man. It ain't like nobody gonna see that mess but her professor. Look, stop acting like it's such a pain in the ass and an inconvenience for you. Besides, maybe I am trying to hit it, - so stop cockblocking me, you jerk. - Thank you, man. - That's all you had to say. - What? That's all you had to say, babe. So what's so funny, gentlemen? Hey. We were just talking about that little gem of a beat he threw down at the club last night. - Pretty priceless, huh? - I didn't think you knew how to smile. Nah, I just keep it on the low, you know. - Image is everything. - I really liked your track. Well, he's got a million of them. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I bet you say that to everybody you recruit for your little movie. Trust me, I'd let you know if you sucked and you wasn't worthy to be in my "little movie." So there is still a chance for us to work on the documentary with you? Jay, that ain't me, man. Rip, it's a great opportunity for us. Why don't you want to be in my hip-hop movie? Oh, it's a hip-hop movie now? What do you even know about hip hop? You don't know anything about me. - Do you know who Marley Marl is? - Oh Lord. Rick Rubin? Hitman Howie Tee? - Any of this ringing a bell? - I refuse to answer that. Exactly. Just like I thought. - Jay, I gotta bounce, man. - Where are you going? Gotta go to purgatory and deal with my hell of a boss. All right, well, don't forget about tonight. - What about it? - Reign of Terror's anniversary show. - We have to be there. - I'll see what I can do, man. Rip. Call me. Is he always that charming? He's going through some tough shit right now. I'm sorry. You don't have to take up for your boy. Actually I do. I'm all he has. Look, we really wanna work on the film with you, okay? Well, I may not like him, but I do like his music. Well, if you like his music, come by the lab, see him mix some stuff fresh. He's like a mad scientist. He's like Frankenstein. - Ooh. - Just crazy mad beats. You've never seen anything like it, I promise. All right, well, maybe I'll check it out, see the creative process. Well, let me know when you can do it... we'll make it a date. - All right. - What are you doing tonight? You can come with us to this Reign of Terror show that we're gonna go to. It's gonna be fantastic. No strings attached. All right. Sounds cool. Jackson, what have you been doing back here? Look, man, I'm trying to finish the dishes. What about these dishes right here? Look, man, I just did that whole stack of dishes over there. - I'm trying to finish this. - Jackson, we're slammed today. Do I need to get somebody else to do this job? Get back here. Where do you think you're going? I'm quitting... before I hurt somebody. Where the hell have you been? - I've been waiting an hour for you. - Relax, man. Been at the lab trying to come up with something. I walked off my job today. Now what the hell did you do that for? I'm tired of taking shit from everybody on the planet like that's what I'm here for. - Man, come on. And because the fenor kills the weaker speciments, only the biggest, chosen ones find their way to my table. You are born with a caul. I would be, if only not one but. Maybe an advance? Oh no, the money is not the case. I fear that my far-reaching plans may be crossed by As. He can't by bought. Everything, everything can be bought mister. You are mistaken, majesty. Is he the Batman? Worse. Using the international nomenclature he is the Superman! He is very dangerous. I don't get it. If I were you, I would have him cut. Or poisoned. Your majesty will excuse, but those are primitive methods. They don't stand a test of time. I trust, that your grey cells will be stately adversary in duel with As. Good evening. Good evening. Is it Under Golden Bream inn? Yes. it is sir. Please sit down. I'm setting music at once, and taking your orders. This kindness seems suspicious to me. I feel like I'm going to cry... I lost my car! Let's drink some orangeade, I'm paying! You have it in front of your eyes again. Yes. Do you at least know, who is responsible for the catastrophe? I confess, I don't know it. Doctor Plama and his men. I've figured that gentlemen will eagerly drink some orangeade. Please. I've already consoled myself a bit. I've recalled, that I am insured in the PZU. (Polish Insurance Company) This orangeade hasn't... is without bubbles. This is an alcohol! The most dangerous poison! Let me go, let me go, it hurts! You wanted to poison me! Are you taking Antabus (Disulfiram)? Never! The alcohol kills true man. Talk, who ordered you to kill As? ! Plama, he made me do this by ruse. Where is this wretch? On the island. Beware, take careful of yourself. He wants to kill you. I love you, I love... This is the motel Under Golden Breem. That's not how I imagined this motel on the lakeside. Take off the hat. We will drink cocktail Głuszka. Take off the hat. Jurek, calm down. I read Time and Epoka. I drink only Ballantine. I smoke Whinstons. I have for you Wintermens, foreign-made chocolate cigars. Take off the hat. Take off that hat! You are a playboy. You have consumptive relation towards life. I pity you. I won't take off the hat. We are going to bed. Take off the hat. Jurek, calm down. We will make French love. Take off the hat. I won't take off the hat. I invite you for the weekend, I carry you in a luxurious car, you stay in the best motel, you drink the most expensive drinks. And you don't want to take off the hat. I would rather go home by foot, and even be late in office, than spend time with you. You are pathetic and disgusting. I won't take off the hat. Wasted weekend. For the first time I don't understand anything. What about that sailor, who so unfortunately got caught with a valuable load of uranium in his pocket? Perhaps he is dancing his last tango right now. After his failure on the customs clearance, he become uncomfortable - worse - talkative. And that decided. For the good of the cause, I've settled a trap. I've decided to organize a dancing party in the nearby depot. Do you hear the music? Accompaniment of joyful couples, laughter and hum, the sailor will die, by hand of the Lilliputian. So, cheers. Prolit. You are a polyglot. By the way, I regret that you didn't take me to that party. I would like to see manslaughter in the depot. Don't regret, murder in a depot hasn't got any spectacular values. Lilliputian will finish the sailor in no time. You are wrong doctor Plama. This isn't going to happen. I will save the sailor, and then I'll settle matters with you! He sees through our plans. Leave it alone! With shot to As? Down! It has started! Wunderwaffe! You idiot, you idiot! Implosion, you hit the TV. And what else? It is cooked, like your breems. Apparently it liked to bath. So it is war! War! War! The great confrontation. One way or another, I have to destroy As! Leave something for the crocodile. You can satisfy your ravenous appetite later. Don't sleep. Are you out of your mind doctor? Now, when we are in a deadly danger you feed a crocodile? It's to whet an appetite. You don't understand anything? No. There is no time to waste on the explanations. It is a furious beast. You got it now? Not yet. All the better. How is it, that such a moron is a maharajah? You said that it was trained? For the big money, mister. I bought it in Japan. Its trainer was an Argentine immigrant with German origins. Former captain of a submarine, mister. Great, as I know As, he won't use any boat. He will cross the lake swimming. I now see through your plan doctor. I like the idea... but you are an idiot. After all we can just boil As. It's all about turning heats on. It's you who is an idiot, Excellency. Before water will reach the boiling temperature, As will settle matters with Lilliputian, and with us. I suggest a compromise: fifty-fifty. The crocodile will kill As, and we will boil the crocodile. Cooked crocodile, if that doesn't beat all... It is good! And you like the crocodile bouillon? No, it's not cricket. It is about the entertainment. And in such moment, you think about the recreation? Indeed, sometimes it is on my mind. I don't need it anymore. You provide me the entertainment. I suggest we prepare for the hunting, which as you say, is going to take place in any moment. So, punch first! Don't make me laugh, cause I may kill you. Stop playing the fool, cut the cackle! Stand up for a fight, we'll see who's going to win! Go on, make the first blow! Go away, or I will get angry. You go away, albatross! Small one is a Cossack, small one will beat him. You know what I'll tell you? If you are a sailor, than I am a giant! Small one is great. Small one plays it cool. Aren't you afraid to be ashamed of yourself? If I hit you, you would starve to death, while flying on Mars, like this. Yet I will hit you... Don't scare, don't scare... Citizens, we all see what is happening here. We should go home. We can't entertain in such conditions. They may even take us as the witnesses. We will call the police-station on the way, from a telephone box. Good night! It is getting boring. Stand up for a fight! I recognize this dagger. You are Plama's man. I know I have to die. Stand on tabouret, asshole. Hit straight at heart. Stop! Hey boys, that's not nice. Knife? It's like a match in child's hand. It is not allowed to play with it. Those ladies want to play. Good evening, I'm a translator, and those are maharajah's of Kabur wives. Prince - husband, busy with business, since two days hasn't been present in hotel. Ladies wish entertainment, our office is due to provide it. I find out by the phone, that party takes place here. What should I tell them? I am translator. Tell them, that they come in most inappropriate time. I'm in real trouble. I don't have any time. I see, I see. Please don't worry, I am also a qualified cultural-educational. I will organize nice, pleasant entertainment for ladies. You can be utterly calm. No! Here because of their husband, a careless maharajah and a hooligan, they could be implicated in a dangerous intrigue. You must immediately take them back to the hotel. Ok, but whereby? I released the coach. We counted on the party. We can't go by foot after all. The road goes through the forest. I can't match the risks alone. I am a translator. It's very good you remember about that. A woman is always exposed to danger. Man's duty is to defend the woman, and inversely, to take care of her. I volunteer. I'll be the defender of a womankind. You? That's right. I've made my mind already. Give me a chance! I want to reeducate, to stop being the margin. So do I. I'll escort those ladies to the hotel, and start a decent work. Thank you. That's what they call a man's decision. No, we thank YOU. I am a translator. You can count on them. I rush to my duties. I will neutralize the vampire on the way, you will be safe. Bye! I am a translator. I remember. Treachery, lament, take them for the tortures. Halt, antisocial element! I have just passed reeducation. Let yourself obtain this privilege too. We are all brothers, and the Earth is our planet. Earth - a planet of the mankind! Let the brother give his sword arm to a brother! Let us cast the fishing rods. Let us become fishers. The good should defeat the evil. He says it. A former bandit, smuggler and a fraud. Cheer! Truce! Happy end! Everything is ready for the guest arrival. Herman is in frenzy. The horizon is clean. I don't see anything yet. He will be here soon. As never comes late. Wind, wind, wind. The turbulence in nature. The storm is going to occur. Drama will take place in setting of the raged elements. I like that. Amazing sync. You are a devil. Above all an aesthete, your majesty. I feel thrill of the emotion. Me too, although I hunted a big beast not once. Glass! There he is. He is swimming in our direction. The music, majesty. Let's go to Herman. I'm opening the sluice in seven seconds. Doctor, doctor, please hold on. Give me just ten seconds. I want this scene to happen near the coast. After all it is a spectacle. Now. He isn't moving. Yoicks, yoicks, yoicks! Yoicks, yoicks! Yoicks, yoicks! Yoicks, yoicks, yoicks! Yoicks, yoicks, yoicks! Yoicks, yoicks, yoicks, yoicks! Doctor, you forget who was the Herman's trainer. Do you know this language? You are the polyglot. Stopwatch! He went like a rocket. A horrible beast. What is it? They crashed. Both of them were moving with a high speed. The directions of moves were opposite. Speeds summed up. They both died. Fascinating, big show, great spectacle, colossal. If it wasn't for the objective difficulties, I would say bis. Your majesty, I invite you for a champagne. Let's drop those cretinous dresses at last. You are sad, professor. Operation is going well. I'll tell you something. I knew Plama once. We have studied together years ago. Well, my mother was a manicurist and a pedicurist. He, the only son, pampered by his father - banker, send to Heilderberg in casinos and brothels of the west Europe, he cut his genius into pieces. For example, he bathed the circus actresses in champagne. A carouser. A banana-boy. How they call it nowadays: a playboy. Yet, he finished his studies with a distinction. Ruthlessly intelligent. Ruthlessly intelligent. Well, I was young then. He fascinated me. I envied him. Today, I pursue a criminal. Sad, isn't it? You are mistaken professor. That two life stories have a colossal educational value. Especially for the youth. I have just heard Meteo. The conditions are perfect. The wind blow towards Kabur. So your majesty, in a while, you will witness an industrial water evaporation, in a total scale. I need money. We both like them mister. Let's go, time's a wasting. By the way, this Plama realized my idea, in other side though. This is very interesting, from the metaphysical point of view. Plus attracts minus. Negative has his own positive. Black and white. Good oppose evil. Thesis and antithesis. Synthesis, dialectics. How is the temperature, colleague? And where are aqualungs? You underestimate me. I like comfort. We will reach the bottom without trouble. Buoy number nine, which we float to, is essentially a masked elevator, by my idea. And how it is? Not good. It blows towards Kabur. It's not good. The wind blows towards Kabur. Do you think that Plama is going to activate the reactor? Knowing impatience and temperament of Maharajah, and Doctor's greed, I fear, that Plama will go to the whole hog. He will start intensive evaporation of lake. Than it will be too late. We can be boiled. The temperature is rising! The temperature is rising! Professor! The temperature is rising! A disaster! We are too late. Plama activated the reactor! Water will reach the state of boiling soon. Prepare for a retreat! Never! We must stop the process. What are you doing? I'm going to ram the underwater headquarters bunker. We were extremely lucky. We catapulted ourselves in the last second. A catastrophe of a cosmic size. As crossed our plans, but he paid for victory with his life. Thank you. Is.. is everyone alive? They are alive.. they are alive. The end couldn't be more fortunate. Infernal apparatus of Doctor Plama was destroyed by the explosion. The city is now safe. Clinical water will stream from the taps again. You achieved a great thing As! You solved the hydroriddle. Beautiful clouds, wind still blows towards Kabur. Give me my dollars back, you scoundrel, you fraud, you mythomaniac, you scientific impostor. One moment. First of all - what dollars? You told yourself, you Kabur donkey, that in this business it was all about the entertainment. This time we failed, but the next time we will also fail! Beautiful clouds! Let's ride, your majesty. Go Baśka! It seems like it's going to rain. Well, well. I thought Wicherek pronounced good weather. Colleagues, it's eight o'clock already. Let's get to work. Jola's absence wonders me. Jola surely won't be late. Good morning colleagues. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, good morning, good morning! Good morning mister Janek. Good morning miss Jola. You won't believe, but I thought about you the whole Sunday. No, really? Really. If you want, we can call ourselves with our first names. Do you want, Janek? Colleague Walczak, a lady is calling for you. I'm sorry. A lady is calling. Listening, Walczak. Who? Professor Milczarek speaking. You can be relaxed, discretion is assured. Attention, a crocodile run away from the zoo. ( theme song playing ) This looks like the place. Why are the Underground sending their leader? 'Cause this information's too important to trust to anyone else. Yeah, and he's gotta deliver it in person. Hey, where's Carter? He was here a minute ago. I'll go and get him. Never mind. Here I am. Carter, get rid of that bush. But, Colonel, it's camouflage. Carter, do as I say. But there's more bushes like this back there. Carter... What's wrong with the bush, Colonel? Well, for one thing, it's poison ivy. Don't touch me! I'm worried about Danzig, sir. You don't have to worry about Oskar Danzig. He's a master of disguises. Yeah, he was in show business. No kidding, an actor? Before the war, he was Germany's top female impersonator. That must be her... him. Colonel Hogan. ( whispering ): Danzig. I was expecting somebody with high heels and a tight girdle. If one does not vary one's disguises, they are no longer disguises. Here are the troop movements and locations of five panzer divisions. That is more than I expected. Good work. We are very grateful to all of you. Good luck. Halt! Halt. Fire. ( gunfire ) Mach schnell! ( grunts ) Everybody all right? Boy, that was pretty close. This war is getting dangerous. At least the German army can't shoot any better than the French army. Gonna take that lying down, LeBeau? Louis? Louis? Oh, no. Colonel, my... my little mate's been hit. All right. Take it easy, LeBeau. ( LeBeau moaning ) Here we go. Put him down right here. Here, be careful, careful. There you go. Lift him up. ( grunts ) Andrew, get some hot water for me, will you, please? And some bandages. Right. There's some sulfur in my footlocker. Bring that, too, huh? Right. Oh, boy, will you look. That's where the bullet hit. Doesn't look like it went in too deep. Didn't go in at all. Why, it barely broke the skin. There's nothing more than a scratch. ( moans ) What do you mean, "scratch"? In France, I would get a medal and a kiss on both cheeks. You joking? With a wound like that, you wouldn't get a bloody handshake. You got off lucky, LeBeau. It's just grazed you. Then how come I was unconscious? I don't know! I've lost more blood than this shaving! ( gasps ) Explains why he was unconscious. Can't stand the sight of blood. WOMAN: ( over radio ): Red Riding Hood calling Papa Bear. Come in Papa Bear. This is Papa Bear. Go ahead, Red Riding Hood. We have an emergency. Our leader has received a very bad bullet wound, and we are in need of penicillin immediately. It is a matter of life und death. Penicillin. Tell him we'll arrange with London for a drop tonight. We'll contact London for a drop tonight. Thank you, Papa Bear. Can one of you pass the information on? No. They won't accept it from anyone but Danzig. Okay, over and out. LeBEAU: Colonel... Would you ask them to drop a little extra penicillin for me? Raus, raus, everybody! Raus in five minutes. Raus, raus, raus, raus! Raus, everybody. Ow! What's the matter, cockroach? Oh, it's sunburn, Schultz. Oh, I'm sorry. Sunburn? ! Sunburn in the middle of the winter? I have very tender skin. Like a baby. That's true. He can't even sit under a reading lamp with his shirt off for more than ten minutes. Are you pulling my leg, Carter? Man would be barmy to pull your leg, Schultz, unless he was looking for a hernia. All right, let's get on with our roll call and get it over with, huh? What do you want a roll call for? We're all here, aren't we? Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink wants to talk to you. Schultz, in this weather, I don't want to talk to him unless he's handing me over his sword. ( chuckling ): Oh, ho, ho, ho! He's not going to hand you any sword after what happened this morning. What happened this morning, Schultz? Well, I... I can't tell you. It's a military secret. Oh. Well, you can tell me, 'cause I'm not in the military. No? No. Actually, I was on my way to the post office to mail this letter. Now, this fella walks up to me and says, "Uncle Sam needs you." Yeah? I actually have an Uncle Sam. Ja, you have? Oh, sure. He's married to my Aunt Bessie. No kidding. No, so... HOGAN: Carter. We don't want Schultz to tell us the same stale rumor we've been hearing all day. You mean about shooting Danzig the ma... the master spy? Yeah, that's the one. What's the big deal about this Danzig character? Commandant Klink says he's the leader of the Underground. Oh, so they get another leader. ( chuckles ) Not like Oskar Danzig. What's so special about him? He is a master of disguises. Before the war, he was Germany's greatest female impersonator. Was he really that good, Schultz? That good? ( laughs ) Corporal Mittendorfer has his picture up for a pin-up girl. That's how good he was. Come on, let's go. Roll call, roll call. Report! All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant. Thank you, Schultz. Gentlemen, I'm not talking to you as your commandant. I'm talking to you as your friend. So does anybody here know the words to "Let's Be Buddies"? ( all laughing ) ( yells in German ) Commandant is speaking. Thank you, Schultz. I have been made honorary chairman of the fund-raising committee for German soldiers at the eastern front. I'd like to make a contribution. Would a thousand dollar check be too showy, sir? ( all guffawing ) Sir, a little something for the boys in Stalingrad. ( laughing, whistling ) I would like to continue. Quiet! Herr Kommandant would like to continue. Okay. Okay. You can continue. Thank you, Schultz. Now, tomorrow, I'm entertaining a group of German generals' wives at a tea party, and I would like to have volunteers to help. SCHULTZ: Well? ! You heard the commandant. He would like to have volunteers. We heard him, Schultz. They heard you, Herr Kommandant. Shut up, Schultz. Did you hear that? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Now, this is a good cause. They're having a terrible time in Russia, and you, as soldiers, should be willing to help your fellow soldiers. Don't let a little thing like being at war stop you. Sir, I volunteer. Wonderful, Carter. As soon as I find out how much Adolf Hitler donated to the U.S.O. ( laughing uproariously ) Silence! You will work at the party, and that's an order. Commandant, I don't think the Geneva Convention allows you to work prisoners of war at a tea party for the enemy. You will help out at the tea party, or I will have all the lights turned out at 6:00. What you mean is "light" out at 6:00, sir. We've only got one bulb that works. And you promised to replace the others two weeks ago, sir. You are absolutely right, Newkirk. Today, I will replace all the bulbs... and then turn them out. Now what do you say about my little tea party, huh, Hogan? One lump or two, sir? There's the drop. GERMAN OFFICER: Look, a parachute! This way. Schnell. Patrol! We haven't got a chance. Come on, follow me. ( running footsteps approaching ) OFFICER: Halt! Halt! What's that? Penicillin. Why didn't you deliver it to Danzig? Because the German patrols followed us, and they started shooting. Well, did either of you get hit? No. I wish I'd been so lucky. This excruciating pain in my shoulder feels like a hot poker tearing into my flesh. Yeah, but you're being so plucky about it, LeBeau. Wouldn't you like a bullet to bite on? Thanks a lot. The patrol's still there. How many are there? Maybe we can jump them. No chance. Some of their friends just joined in. The woods are full of Gestapo. Sir? You know, if we could wait a little while, I could slip out alone and get that stuff to Danzig. We wouldn't get five feet from the tree stump. Sir, so what do we do with this penicillin? I don't know. So it shouldn't be a total loss, I could use a shot. You think London can make a drop exactly at the Underground headquarters? I'm afraid it's too risky. You know, if they could move Danzig into town, I could get out in a dog truck. No, they've doubled the guards because of all those generals' wives that are coming. Hey, I got a couple of ideas. Speak up, Carter. We're desperate. Okay. I got some dynamite in my footlockers. So we make a rocket. We put the penicillin in the steel casing, and we tell Klink today's the anniversary of the end of the Spanish-American War. Now, according to the Geneva Convention, we've got the right to celebrate national holidays. Right? So we take this rocket, see, and we aim it toward Danzig's headquarters. We set it off, and the penicillin's delivered. What's the other idea? Well, this one's a little crazy. Carter, you astound me. Schultz, don't you know you're supposed to be announced? I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan. I rang, but your doorbell was out of order. Here, LeBeau. Here is your hors d'oeuvres menu for the tea party. Deviled eggs, smoked salmon, stuffed mushrooms, pâté de foie gras. Mm-hmm. Chipped sauerbraten on toast? That's my suggestion. And where am I going to get all these things? Corporal Mittendorfer is going to bring it from the mess hall. I'm going to need a few things, you know. What for? Well, you don't think I'm letting Frenchman here make the tea, do you? He hasn't got a clue. Don't they drink tea in France? We don't drink anything we don't stomp on. Now, listen. I'd like a pound of the finest Darjeeling, two gallons of spring water, a copper kettle, and a sterling silver service. Anything else? Oh, yeah, and a needlepoint tea cozy. Colonel Hogan, better get ready. Don't want to be late for the party. What's to get ready, Schultz? We only have to put on our ties and shine our shoes. Hey, is this tea going to be formal then? Of course. Oh, well, if it's formal, we'll go through the delousing station. Jolly joker. I'll see you later. Ah, you, too. Ah, go on. Good-bye. I better get ready. There's got to be a way to get that penicillin to Danzig. We've got to get somebody out of camp, but how? You sure you don't want to hear my second idea? We didn't want to even hear your first one. LeBeau, how many women would you say you're making the hors d'oeuvres for? Well... from this order, I would say... oh, at least ten. In a crowd like that, I don't think anybody would notice another woman, and she could always get a ride into town with one of the other ladies. Just who did you have in mind, sir? I've always liked you in basic black. Colonel Hogan, you better come quick, sir. Papa Bear calling Red Riding Hood. Papa Bear calling Red Riding Hood. Come in, Red Riding Hood. This is Red Riding Hood. Go ahead, Papa Bear. Would you please repeat your last message? The patient is in very serious condition and failing fast. It is absolutely imperative that he get the penicillin immediately. HOGAN ( over radio ): This is Papa Bear, Red Riding Hood. Hang in there. The penicillin is on the way. Over and out. Basic black. The colonel's gone crackers. I could get shot doing this. You're not a bad-looking lady. I might be a bad-looking dead lady if the Germans catch me. Would you mark my program? I would like every dance with you. Leave off, would you? I could be dancing at the end of a rope. Well, if you aren't, I'll take you by the canteen and buy you a beer. You sure know how to show a girl a good time. ( women chatting excitedly ) Delightful tea party, isn't it, General Burkhalter? If you like tea parties. Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres LeBeau has sent in. Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half. That's my wife. Did I say red dress? I meant green dress, of course. I'm color-blind, you know. Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half. I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp, you know. Exactly two miles. And she ate a sandwich in the car. ( women gasping ) ( women chatting excitedly ) You gentlemen care for some hors d'oeuvres? I'd rather face the Russians. LeBEAU: Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah. Danke. LeBeau, your hors d'oeuvres are a smash. This crowd would eat marinated dog food on a cracker. Ah, you're too modest. No, no, no. I ran out of pâté, and that's what I had to use. Does it have enough seasoning? It looks like that lady in basic black has arrived. Oh, my compliments to the chef. The hors d'oeuvres are delicious. You're very kind, madam. Could I have the recipe for the marinade? Oh, oh, of course, madam. Oh, thank you. In the kitchen. Thank you. I am Mrs. Field Marshal Mannheim. Field Marshal Mannheim is my husband. This way. Uh, ready for the hors 'oeuvres, gentlemen? I'm starved. Carter! Try one of those marinated jobs. They're great. Aren't they great? Very tasty. LeBeau has done an excellent job. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He must have worked like a dog to make these. You can say that again. Herr Kommandant. Yes, Schultz, what is it? I have a message for General Burkhalter. Yes? We just received a telephone call... Schultz, don't speak with your mouth full. We just received a telephone call from General Schtottlemeyer's headquarters. His wife regrets, but she cannot attend. Thank you, Schultz. Jawohl. General. It's just as well Mrs. Schtottlemeyer cannot come. She wouldn't get near the hors d'oeuvre table anyway. ( women chatting ) KLINK: Would you believe that the fat little lady in the red dress is still eating. Green dress. Uh, g-green dress. Of course. Green. Green. Tell me, Klink. How many women did you invite to the party? Well, counting Mrs. Schtottlemeyer, ten, of course. How come there are ten women at the party? It can't be. Why, General Burkhalter, you are right. There are ten ladies here. Well, I'm sure one of the ladies just brought along a friend. Or one of the ladies is an impostor. I mean, what woman would want to crash a tea party? Especially one where they're collecting money. Maybe it isn't a woman at all. Perhaps it's Danzig, the Underground leader, huh? He is a female impersonator. Ja, ja. Klink, contact the Gestapo at once. General Burkhalter, I can handle this myself. I mean, a man of my experience knows a woman when he sees one. How? Oh, I just, uh, mingle with the ladies. Colonel? Hmm? Bet you a candy bar it's Mrs. Mannheim. ( gasps ) ( women chatting excitedly ) Enjoying yourself, Mrs. Steiger, huh? Wouldn't it be a riot if the fat little lady in the red dress is Danzig? Sorry, sir. What are you looking at, Colonel? Aha! ( screams ) Are you mad? ! MRS. MANNHEIM: How dare you? I thought you were Oskar Danzig. I have never been so humiliated in all my life. Oh, you brute, give me that. Come, dear, I'll take you to your hotel. Mrs. Mannheim, please. Please, Mrs. Mannheim, I can explain. Colonel Klink did that only for reason of security. And for reasons of security the Colonel should be shot. Oh, please, Mrs. Mannheim. And I shall tell the Field Marshal to recommend that. No, no. Firing squad is too good for a person like that. Come, dear, come. ( all talking at once ) Mrs. Mannheim, please. Please, please. Mrs. Mannheim, I beg of you, please stay. Stay? ! Why should she stay? You've had your laugh. It was not done to insult you. We are looking for a traitor. Oh, you suspected she was a traitor for the fatherland? Wait till the Field Marshal hears about this! And do not think that the Fuhrer will not hear about your stupidity. Oh, there's no need to bother the Fuhrer with his stupidity. My stupidity? ! Your stupidity, stupid! Come, dear, I'll drive you to your hotel. Never mind, madam. I'll drive the lady into town. We don't need help from you, young man. Mrs. Mannheim, please don't go away mad. ( engine starting ) Ladies, where are you going? We are all going back to town. No, no. But Berta, the party isn't over. It is as far as we are concerned, Albert. We will not stay one more minute to watch anyone humiliate Mrs. Mannheim, the loveliest, dearest, most sincere woman in the world. I knew it was a wig all the time. BURKHALTER: Berta! Berta! Mrs. Formeildorf. Berta, please. Ladies, stay. Please. Please! Eh, you win, Colonel. Mrs. Mannheim wasn't Danzig. Hogan! It was her mustache that fooled me. ( grunts ) Klink! Don't just stand there. We still must find the impostor! Ja, ja. Please, ladies! Oh, no. What is the matter? Who was that lady with Mrs. Mannheim? That was no lady. That was your spy. Halt! Halt! Halt, I say. Halt! What's the matter with you, old man, are you deaf? Bitte? I said, are you deaf? Ah, moment. I said, are you deaf? It is exactly... quarter past 8:00. Ach! Never mind. Mach schnell. HOGAN: Hey, Newkirk. I'm back! Hey, you are back. How's Danzig? He's great, sir. He's going to be up in a couple of days, right as rain. He's going to pass that military information on. Good work. Thank you, sir. BAKER: Hey, that's a pretty clever disguise, man. Where'd you get it? Danzig. Yeah, he's got a lot of 'em. You look younger. Oh, thank you. We were worried about you. What took so long? Well, I had to go through Himmelburg, didn't I? You know, those German towns, great shortage of men there. So, naturally, when all the frauleins saw a very, very attractive man like me, they went crackers. I didn't want to do it, mind you, but what could I do, you know? It's really nice to know, though, that when I'm 70, that I'm going to be wildly attractive to women. You know what I mean? I suppose when you got it, you never really lose it, do you? I cannot tolerate indiscipline! Aren't you in charge of the school prayer? I am. So? Is that all you have to say? Explain why! Explain yourself! Vegetables, cooked, fed father, then I left. That's why I'm late You have to do all that? No, my sister-in-law does. Then, and so? ! Bhabhi is very ill. She has a high fever. That is why I had to do it all... Bhabhi is ill. What do you care? ! I've broken rules, punish me! It's very fair. Very fair...! I'm sorry Kusum. I didn't know this. Go, go to class. Thank you, M'am (teacher) So young and such responsibility! She has no mother... poor girl. Poor girl. - No, the poor girl. Kusum is surely detained... she'll stay back for 2 hours. Hi, Tara. - What happened Kusum? Nothing really! - Did you apologize? On the contrary! She did! She said I'm sorry Kusum, go to class! How did you manage that? ! I conned her so well, I could have put Meena Kumari to shame! Hey, don't we have Ms. Choudhari now? Lets faf right at the back! She'll sit with a novel and say. Write an essay of 5 pages! Sit down. I'll take the roll call later. - First write an essay - 5 pages Topic? The Roll of Cinema on the Public. It's Saturday. Let's go see a movie. - Which one? "The Man" Dilip and Waheeda. Dilip Kumar? ! Oh wow! Why? Oh it's a good movie, just too slow... Shahenshah Saleem cannot sacrifice his lady love for Hindustan... Bury me alive, but my love is undying! Finale! Kusum, what's happening there? ! They're talking about the movies Madam! Yes Ma'am, it's about the essay. We're exchanging notes. Right. All right. That will do. Come on, will you go with us? No, Bhabi might get mad. You can tell her you were studying at Tara's. No, I wouldn't lie to her. But you did, the last week! That was for "Anupama". I'll go if we watch "Anupama". That's the second time! ? So? Look how Dharmendra has acted! "Anupama" it is then. Guddi... - Yes, daddy? You're so late. - We had special classes daddy. Final exams are approaching... But then you could inform us, dear. We worry, you know... Bhabhi has been up and down worried sick. Right... go on... Bhabhi... I'm starved. I'd like something quickly... You've dumped your books again! How often have I to stop you... Sorry, Bhabhi. - "Anupama"? Bhabhi, give me your hand... What's that for? I had this ugly thought in the morning! You were feverish and I was looking after you! There now, I bit the ill feeling away. Which one? The fever - or the care? ! Both...! Abracadabra boo! OK. Where have you been today? Today? We had special classes, we were given a test. But when I went to school, I was told you had a half day at 01.30 hrs? Father said you went up and down ten times. When did you go to school? You little liar. Yet again you went for a movie. Who with? Lata and Tara. Guddi, look, if you don't do well, I will be blamed. People will think that no one really cared for you except your mother. Am I not like your mother? Oh Bhabhi, this will never repeat again. Wait and see, I'll top the class. So what's up, everybody? I'm famished. Guddi, look what I've brought. What's it, Bhaiyya? Wait...! A frock! Thank you so much! ...Bhabhi! Look at what Bhaiyya bought. Beautiful, wonderful, one sea two flowers. What's all this? Anupama's housefull! And where are you going? ! - I'll be back... At least finish eating...? Here you go... here's your blouse-piece How large is it? - One meter...? All that much? I only need 75 cms. You keep losing weight. What can I do? When was I all that plump that I needed one meter? Hey what are you doing - hey! She worships you, you've bought her a new dress! I see, and where did you pick that up from? From Bhabhi! Like it, Bhabhi? - It's too short. But that's the style! It's a mini! - No style, nothing. A young girl should wear a sari. Malasinha's so much older. She wears them too! I'm playing badminton. I'm with Lata and Tara. Don't get the girl frocks, please. She should wear saris. Girl? What girl, she's my sister! - Yes but she is like my daughter. Ah, if you do want to be a mother... Oh stop teasing... She's even forgotten to eat! Bhaiyya, telegram. - A telegram? Oh God! From whom? In his last letter Mamaji had mentioned he was ill. But it is from Mamaji! - Why? What's wrong? Your brother's arriving! - Who? Navin? Yes. For some interview. I'll go fetch him. Go on, I'll follow you Ah Navin, young man, you're here! Bless you, son! Where's Kishan? Didn't he fetch you - Yes he's coming, he's outside. What's that, Sir! ? What? Chess hasn't been played for a year! ? It's not been touched since I left? OK, let's see you make a move. - Right, lets play! Hmmm! You've just arrived and you've started playing! Did you meet your sister? Of course he'll meet her, where's the hurry? Where's Navin? Hasn't he come with you? He has. He's already playing chess with father! It's started! At least father will have some company now. He's been lonely since mother passed away... Why, am I not around? - Yes, and he's quite bored... What! ? There's a horse left... Navin, how's Mamaji? - All gone. What! ? What happened? - Lost a horse... A horse! ? When did he have a horse? - Oh, not him, my horse... Statue! What... what's this? It's our game, father. Until I say "Over", she does not move! Give an "Over" dear, tell her "Over" Over! - Bahu, get some tea dear. You're not allowed tea, father, Doctor's orders! Right, then get some for Navin. - He can have some when he comes up. Didi... - Yes. Come here... Hi Motu! Fatso! - Who says I'm fat! So neither am I short. Look how tall I've grown. Statue! Aaah you moved! Come here, come here, now! Dum dum dum! You're so wicked. I thought I'd be the first to freeze you and you had to start... Wait. I'm caught - let me finish. Papa, please, go on, play later. - Leave me, naughty, shooo! Why don't you lose? Pack up, please. You won't finish till its dark - Oh go on. It's all right. Go. We'll continue in the night. - Right. Thank you. - What for? He almost killed me. You saved me. I almost lost my horse to him. I'll keep my books. - Quickly. Didi, oh Didi... Stop yelling! - Why should I stop yelling? I've come after so long... you don't even talk to me? Stop it, I'll whack you now. Don't you wash before eating? But I'll have to wash up after eating. Why do it twice? Navin, how is Mamaji? OK. He complains a lot. He says if you had parents you'd visit more often. He's only an uncle. Why would you visit him, he says! That's not it Navin. There's father, husband's office, Guddi's school... Bhabhi...! Let's go for a picnic tomorrow. The way we went last year... Don't you have school? It's a holiday, Bhabhi, and Bhaiyya might also have a holiday. Bhabhi, may I wear this dress when I go? No, wear a sari and go. I won't let you go in half a dress with Navin. It's a mini. By saying that it's half, you make it even shorter! Listen, Guddi, you are not a baby. Wear the sari. I won't wear the sari. - Then you can't go! Fine, I won't go! Right, do as you please you're a grown girl! Who am I to say anything! ? The Government is building a huge bridge... they want to interview me. What do you have to do with bridge building. Naveen is an engineer, father. Oh, that's right, Masterji had said you were studying engineering. Masterji? Your Uncle - Mamaji, father has never called him Professor. Your medicine, father. Where's Guddi disappeared? It's a quarter to six. Doesn't she want to go for the movie? Bless you child. Who's lovely child is this Bahu? It's our own Guddi, Father. - Really? Let me take a look. Turn around dear, turn... Oh of course, my little girl. When did you grow up so fast. How divine you look in a sari. Hmmm! You call me Guddi and you make me wear a sari? OK, no more Guddi, only Kusum! From now on "Shorty" will never figure. Naveen never call Shorty, I mean Kusum, names again! OK, you guys move along now It's already six o'clock Go on! She is a grown girl now. I guess so, but I don't need anxiety about her marriage As if you could be bothered. I am part of the family... It's my responsibility too And have you thought of something? Yes, in a way! What? Who! ? Naveen! I'll speak with Mamaji later. That's nice. That's a lovely thought bahu Then dowry won't be such an issue Masterji is any way against the idea Bahu, you haven't been to Bombay in a long while. Listen, wait for Guddi's exams to get over and then you could take her... to meet Masterji. You could talk... But father, we should let Naveen decide. He should make up his mind. Why don't you check with him before leaving? I will. Just leave it to me. Kusum you're annoyed because we didn't go for a movie? When you come to Bombay I'll take you everyday Lies! I promise. . believe me! You've spoilt the whole day! What was wrong with a movie? Where has it been spoilt? I think it's been a lovely day. You've been with me! As if I wouldn't be with you at the movies. Yeah... but the crowd... You don't want crowds at the movies? Yes. That's why I've brought you here. You could get lost in there... Get lost? Am I a baby? - Yes. You haven't understood why... We chose the movies? - I did understand. I'm not daft! Prove it! Prove it? You dislike movies. You prefer these ruins, statues and... Kusum, think, these ruins are thousands of years old. Today, you and I stand here with... - Naveen! Oh that's the same dialogue in the movie "Night has to fall"... You can think of nothing except movies! I know. I do like them a great deal! The noise and action, song and dance! OK, sing a song! - No, not now. Perhaps tomorrow. But I leave tomorrow. - Why? Stay back a day? Nothing's urgent! I've got the interview, remember, just watch me become an engineer... Build a bridge across the river, go for a boat ride each day... Will you take me? - Definitely. Promise? - Promise. But for now, sing for me. What are you thinking of? Which film song to sing! - Oh no, not a film song! .. Why not? They all sound the same, fifty violins screeching... That classical one... Which one? ..."Paapi hara"? - Yes! Tell me. Why don't you tell me? - Don't hassle me. Didi, how should I know? You wouldn't know whether you like her? She's alright, I guess. So then you do fancy her! Shall I speak with Mamaji? Tea! - Thank you! Huh! Thank you! Can't wait a day longer. And he belts out orders as if he's at a restaurant... Look, you couldn't get a better girl than my sis-in-law! I'll write to Mamaji tomorrow As if that's important! Have you asked her? I could, for your sake! You talk as if you've been bribed by the in-laws! My in-laws could be yours too! If they become mine, then you are done for! Is that right? Who's this? Hema Malini. What happened - Nothing. Jitendra's photo. Good God! Kusum, do you know, when Jitendra had fever, I rubbed his photo with a wet towel! So, if Rajesh Khanna had sore eyes what would you do? I would give my life for him, right Kusum! ? Wrong number! It's Dharmendra over there! No Dharmendra, nothing. The exams come galloping. If I don't do well, my Bhabhi's blamed. No films and no stars for a month Just sit and mug. You want to fall sick? You are reading day and night I've got to come first, right Bhabhi? Go on, get some air... - Kusum... Tara, take her out with you... Kusum, there's a shoot at the fort tomorrow. Coming? No, there are exams and classes... Waheeda and Dharmendra will be there! Dharmendra? - Yes. How do you know? - My brother said so. He knows them. Will he let us see the shoot? - Why not? I'll tell him. Kundan Bhaiyya's at home? Yes. - So let's catch him. What have you worn - you sample! This? You wouldn't understand! It's the latest Shammi Kapoor style. Kundan, why don't you get a job? It's 2 years since you stopped studying. Studies wouldn't help your son, Mother... Most people do not have what I have! And which of your qualities have I missed out on? The whole world has seen them, Mom, This face and this voice... that's all a hero really needs! Film offers should pour in soon! They've spoken to Sadhana Sadhana? Sadhana who? Bunty's aunt? Oh mother! Sadhana the great, the great film star It's not long before you'll have a car and a bungalow, trust me! You haven't given birth to a son... you've given birth to a phenomenon! Do you have 10 rupees? .. Quick mom, I have an appointment That's like a sweet girl! Thank you mom...! Bhaiyya take us for that film shoot! ? - No, You might be a disturbance... No disturbance, Bhaiyya, we'll watch from far... Oh, you girls do not understand... When acting, if there is disturbance, the actor loses out an expression. I mean... Oh, go on Bhaiyya, you're faffing... I doubt if anyone even knows you there! No one knows me? There's Dharmendra, Dharmendra does what I say... Anyway... who's going? Only ten of us... - Any teacher? No. Right, I'll inform Quader the Controller of Production. Quader Bhai... Have you anything for me? - Don't worry, I've got lots of sets I'll be shooting on... Could you begin shooting soon? - How can I begin so quickly? I'm short on 4-5000/- rupees. Once I manage that, we start next month. We've got Dharam though... - Dharam? Dharmendra, our dear friend? I'll give you a chance a side role - Thanks a lot... What was that? - Thank you...! One favor... if you could manage Rs.4- 5000/-, go to Bombay and deposit it at Ranjit Studio... Which one? Ranjit Studio. Yes, go there and ask for Quaderbhai... Who? Quaderbhai. - Right. And where does Quaderbhai live? Anyone could tell you, and I'll set the mahurat! Quaderbhai... - Yes? One question... Will Sadhana be my heroine? You amaze me! She is a proposal for another picture This one's got our - Baby! Baby? - Baby Naaz? ! No... No... Then? Sharmila...! - Sharmila...! ? Yes, Sharmila. We call her Baby! - My God! She pesters each day, Quaderbhai when do we start, when? When do you become producer? I haven't had the chance, you see! Now that you'll manage this finance we start immediately. Quader! Can we have some tea? Dharmendra - our friend! He only drinks the tea I bring him! I'll have to go... What had you said in English? Thanks a lot... Lot! Kusum? Pen. - You're all from one school? Yes. You all haven't done the bunk, have you? No, we've taken leave. You've got a great teacher if she leaves you to see a shoot! No, no. We've had a half day. Our principal expired! I used to say the same thing when I'd go watch a hockey match. I've killed just as many principals! Where's Waheeda? - Tch! Tch! She's older, you say Waheedaji! Sorry That's all right. She's over there. You've forgotten your pen... - Thank you. Don't you want to meet Waheedaji? - Autograph. What's this..."Anupama"! ? You've seen it? Three times. Good God! Bunking school? - No. Then how? Once with my family - And the remaining...! So, did you like "Anupama"? - Very much. And the other movies you've seen? Phool aur Pathar", "Deewar", "Bandini"... All your movies! Your pen please... your name? - Kusum. Kusum... with love... date? - 6th. 6/6/... - '70 '70 - Thank you. Happy? Thank you very much. Meera's love is immortal. His image haunted her, he was her guide, her reason to live... Did Meera marry? Teacher... Yes, for social norms, but she never gave her husband conjugal bliss. That is why she writes, "You are my eternity, Girdhar Gopal. "There is no one else, Not even my husband." Didn't Meera's household have objections? The question didn't arise. Meera's love was true. Truth beckons the Lord and all worldly ties are broken. Man emerges stronger... My love is pure. I've always loved you and each of your photographs. That's why I see all your movies. Meera breaks worldly ties and searches Gopal. I bunk school and run to see your movies... My love for you is true like Meera's. I know you're married, but I do not grudge your wife. She's like my sister. And your children... What are you muttering all alone? Nothing Bhabhi. We've got a dissertation on Meera. Write your essay later. Wear this sari now. But, it's made of silk... - Yes, so? I've sworn not to wear silk. - Why? It's a vow, a sacrifice Bhabhi. I am content. You're to write an essay on Meera, or become a hermit? Go on, wear the sari. You wouldn't understand Bhabhi... Truth is the lords strength and so all ties are broken... Bhaiyya... How was it... you seem quite happy... how was the paper? First class! Now we can go to Bombay! Not with me, with Bhabhi. - You're not going? Why? Something's cropped up suddenly. I'll join you later. Get in. Exams over? - Yes. When are you going to Bombay? Tomorrow. - You'll have a lot of fun... What fun? What's there to do and see anyway? Only the sea... Why? There's Rajender, Jeetender, Dharmender. As if they're all lined up to welcome me! Kusum...? ! Tara? What's up? Something's wrong! Bhabhi... Bhabhi...? ! Tara, what's wrong! ? What is it? What's the matter, Tara? Why are you crying? I haven't the slightest. As she entered, she started sobbing! What's wrong, dear? Kundan has run away from home, Bhabhi. What? - Yes, with mother's valuables. From tomorrow, Mother... Oh my! Did you all fight? No, he's left for Bombay. He's said he'd become a hero there. Mother says since you're going to Bombay... Of course we'll try and find him. We'll try and bring him back. Don't cry dear, don't cry. "Love... love... love... love Goes on and is alive. Is at your call Nothing but love Love... love... Iove... love" "I could give my life for you Rita" "I can't live without you either Rajan". "You have dared to do this?" - But father..." "Shut up - nasty girl! I'll suck you blood!" "I'll kill you - I'll shoot." Mamaji, Mamaji! - Statue! Didi, you haven't even stepped in and you're caught! How can you do this, no wishes, no greetings, no blessings...! Over - it's over - bless you child! Mamaji, statue! How can you do this... no greetings, nothing? No blessings at your feet? Poor Mamaji! You can move only on one condition. Do not move your limbs, flutter your eyes... Will you get us ice cream? Will you take us to the movies? Anything else, Bhabhi, quick, tell me... would you like a Maami? Oooh! Over! No problem Guddi, I'll catch you unawares when you get married. I'm not getting married! Really? Sure? Then let's shake on that! What are you happy about? One more member to join the bachelor union! What's this? - Pudding. No, no. I've had enough. - Take a little... No, that's enough Oh Mamaji, do take some. Why do you feel shy? You're at home... It's hard to believe little Guddi has grown up until she opens her mouth! That's correct. I'm worried. She's a young lady who should be married. Bhabhi! ? What's the hurry? We'll finish pudding and then... Have you seen a suitable boy? - Yes. I've even spoken about him to father We need to know how you feel. Me? - Yes...! ? Oh! I see! .. Hey where are you going? My, my! Women of today do feel shy! What do you think, Mamaji? What do I think? Ask him! So, Don Juan how do you feel? Why ask me? Why feel shy? The same thing happened to me. When I did not respond, my family thought I was disinterested. The result? I'm still a bachelor! Answer convincingly..."Yes"! Or, "Absolutely yes"! I don't know. I have no problem Uma, just one condition... Which is...? There will be a dowry! What? ! After pudding, I need paan! Kusum, why are you crying? This marriage is not happening. Navin, I cannot marry you. Don't misunderstand. I do not want to betray you. I love another. I'm glad you trust me. Tell me who it is? I could help. I cannot marry him either, Navin. Why? He's married. What? What are you saying! He's got children. How would you know! Maybe he's pulling a fast one on you. No, Navin. He is not. He cares. He's like God. Like Meerabai's Krishna! Kusum, you're naive. Tell me who it is. No, Navin. Do not put me in a spot. Oh stop that acting! Tell me or I'll blow it! No...! - So then tell me! ? Dharmendra. - Dharmendra... who? Dharmendra - Sharmila of the movies- a filmstar...? Dharmendra! ? A film star! Where's the problem? ! You'll find this fixation in any home. Even I remember the film stars Rajendra Kumar, Asha Parekh... Shashi Kapoor, Rajesh Khanna. Guddi's very naive. Couples look for Dilip Kumar and Saira Banu replicas in each other. Yes, but I haven't harbored thoughts like that...? Look Navin, Guddi has no concept. She's walks on a cloud. She thinks its all true. It's not. It's infatuation. It won't last long. But now I don't want the marriage. Tell me something. Do you desire Kusum? Apart from being your uncle (mama) I'm your friend. But Mamaji... - No buts. Do you like the girl? You haven't answered. Don't you think it's your duty... to help unknot her? Help the poor girl. Forget what you heard. Don't tell your sister anything. Act as if nothing happened between the two of you. She shouldn't realize that I know how she feels. Don't worry. Leave everything else to me. Go on... go! Deshpande speaking. Deshpande, this is Gupta here. How are you? Have I disturbed you? No. No not at all. So tell me how come you thought of me after so long? I need a favor. Aren't they making a film based on your novel? Yes. As long as there was no film, it was my novel. They've messed it all. It's unbelievable! The hero-heroine romance one another in the most ridiculous manner... running, chasing and dancing even if they walk with two left feet. Oh God... my poor story! The hero chases the villain - in a car on a bike - on a horse? And as he walks... they fight! It's terrible, the fight. I wish I could die. It's so violent. Oh lord! You poor chap! Anyway I have nothing to do with your story. It's your hero, I want. Who? - Dharmendra. Aha, salt and pepper hair and you fancy autographs now? No. It's work. My thesis. Will you make an appointment? Absolutely. I'll fix something. Give me a call once you've got me a day. One rupee - just a rupee. I'm blind, one rupee and the lord will always feed you. Mister, one moment... You mean, you can see? Yes. I can see, walk earn... I'm not a beggar. I do the make up. Make up? That's right. I was memorizing my lines for a film. I'm very sorry... Doesn't matter, that doesn't matter You seem new around here. Yes. It's my first time. Is Dharmenderji here in this studio? Dharmendra... that's his make up room. Thank you. You're welcome. Just a rupee... I'm blind just a rupee and the lord will feed you. Yes? - I'd like to meet Mr. Dharmender. Regarding? - Work. Only with him. Your name? - Prof. Gupta. Oh do come in Professor, what can I do for you? I'd like to speak with you privately. - Alone? For 5 minutes. Pant Dada, I'll send for you in 5 minutes. Do come this way, sir... Do tell me... It's like this; I've got this slight calamity where only you can help. The problem is, I have a niece. Yes, and... The problem? She loves you! What? Don't be alarmed, she's never really met with you. And you say she loves me? How do you expect me to believe that, Sir? ! One, just one minute... listen to what I have to say It's not only my niece, but a thousand other girls... like her who haven't met you but are crazy about you. like her who haven't met you but are crazy about you. Is that so? I've been hearing a lot more about Rajesh Khanna! You're very modest. But the real picture is... every young girl has got special feelings towards a certain special... person and you, heroes of the film world, very easily take that place... because of your qualities which are so many, that any one person cannot possess them all... You fight twenty men single-handed, kill wild beasts with bare hands. Jump from planes straight into the water - and nothing happens to you! Not only that, after all this, you surface and start singing! ? You are a poet an engineer, a pick-pocket, rank first in academics and sports The more the films, the more varied these qualities! You're their real hero! But how can I help? By only meeting her once. No, Professor. Sir, as it is, the film line has a bad reputation. As if that's not enough, there's your crazy niece... She is my niece, after all. Allow her to come. Let her look around. The effort you put in, the problems you face will wash away film glamour Your real self, which incidentally is more impressive, will emerge... But Professor, why are you dragging me into this? There is a boy who likes her deeply. It's a question of both their lives together. You've always acted in films. Acting a little in real life shouldn't be all that difficult. Professor Sir, in the industry, people who conceive an idea... are different from those who write it. I'll be conceiving writing and acting, all together! Deshpande told me a lot about you, and that's why I had the courage to put forward this proposal. Just one thing, Dharamji. The girl should not know that this has been contrived. It should feel natural. Dharamji, the shot is ready. Would you listen to the scene? Right, I've taken enough of your time. I'm grateful to you. Dharamji, I have a brilliant story for the next picture What will you write, Birenda? I will write a brilliant idea! Mamaji, are you going somewhere? - Yes dear, with you. With me? Where to? You wanted to go shopping, remember! Oh Mamaji, you are omniscient! That's exactly why I... So get dressed! Statue! No Mamaji, not now...! Wait a minute...! Come here! I owe you another three smacks. That's right. Six smacks in all...! - Ramdayal, hey Ramdayal...? Yes Mamaji... - Why aren't you dressed? Where do you want to go? - Shopping. What will I shop. - Nothing. You could carry bags! Come on! Hurry up! - I'm expensive help! I'll need two new shirts! You'll get them, move it! Where are we? - A moment, I've got work. Here in the studio? - Yes. Wait. I'll be right back. You're here with Mr. Gupta? - Yes. You've been called on the sets. Follow me, please. Dharmenderji, some tea? - No tea, no thanks! The scene's a little difficult. I've got sweaty palms... You're a very good actor. It's such a tiny scene. Don't worry! Look Professor, films are fiction... - They've come! Oh Kusumji, there you are. I didn't think we'd ever meet again. Do you remember how we'd met at the... hotel? You mean you recognize me? You are difficult to forget. Is that right? Why? What is so special? So maybe I'll tell you. If you stood in front of the mirror and smiled, you'd realize how beautiful your eyes are! Hey Guddi... why are you standing there? Come on in... Dharmendarji, this is my nephew Navin... and this is Kusum, my niece's husband's sister... I mean... Never mind, it's too long... She's my very own Guddi. Why don't you sit down? ! Does Kusum go to school? She does go to school. Whether she studies is a separate issue! The shot is ready. I'll finish it and get back. Vimiji let's do one rehearsal. - OK... Vimiji, your dialogue starts as the song gets over. OK. There's no solar in the full light. Did you like the song? - Yes, very much. When you sang, it was as if flowers reigned from heaven. I always want you to sing like this. I'll always listen, I'll sit with you and listen... - Cut! No, no, just 5 minutes, 5 minutes. Dharamji, you can rest. Do relax... - You sing beautifully! Who me! ? Not really! I sing flat! It's someone else's voice! That's not true! If you play an instrument, you couldn't sing flat! You're talking about the piano? It's completely out of tune or even mute! So that's it! I wondered where all the percussion came from... I thought perhaps, the domestic at home adds him own rhythm... maybe...? Dharamji, Kusum's here for a couple of days. She'd like to see some shoots... But of course, why not? I'll give you a call, and you could send her across! Mother, Mother! Oh there you are! Bless me so that I win! What are you fighting? Badminton? Well, I'll be competing for a championship - a silver cup...! May you always succeed, my son! You will win! Why didn't you think about my happiness? Why not? I had one wish. It's gone! When Rajesh looks at Asha I feel as if I've been slapped! I want to drink his blood! My blood boils! I'm consumed! When he laughs with her, speaks with her I burn! I cannot see them together, Chachaji, I will destroy all! I get the feeling that this marriage is not taking place... for me or my happiness but, just so that you feel fulfilled. That's fine. You've always been stubborn. Your every wish is mine. You are my parents, and you've committed yourselves. You've got standing in society! I wouldn't want to see you lose that! Ajay...! ? Shyam, what's all this on the road? Saran, how are you doing? I'm doing fine. First tell me, who is she. Her name - name! She stays in my building. We study together. You're having a ball! Can I enroll in your college? So get in. Someone has to get out! Now there's something! My sister, has she or hasn't she come here? Who? No. She hasn't come here. Take two! Neeta, I know exactly what you'd like to ask. But I've gone a long way down the path of love. Stop - stop - stop! - What's up? You're up front. I've chalked it for you. Sorry sorry... it's the dialogue And the angle of your face... a little there, here... Thank you. Start! - Come in? Yes. Neeta, I know exactly what you'd like to ask. But I've gone a long way down the path of love, and returning from there is not easy... . and I don't think I want to know. Neeta, love is like the moon. It waxes and wanes and I've forgotten! Listen child it's a sin to commit suicide, you have to live life, not throw it away I turn around only after "not throw it away",? I want to commit suicide. No, child, it's a sin to commit suicide. You have to learn to live life, not throw it away. He's given you life, so it's His prerogative to take it away from you. Look at me, love. I am sixty years old. I love life and I want to live forty years more. OK. Some tea for me! Relax! How was the shot? - Beautiful. May I ask you something? Yes... go on... I've been looking at these shoots for quite some days now... Most of them are engineered by the director. The writer pens down lines for dialogue... The cameraman adds glamour while he shoots the scene... I mean, then why is it that only you, film stars get the accolades? Why not all the others? It's like this, Navin. When you look at a beautiful painting or... an incredible statue, you value that finished product more as a... work of art than the genius of the artist himself. Similarly, it is all those film - technicians, be they directors... cameramen, editors etc. Who are the life support of the industry - but, because it is the actor who stand in front he gets those coveted accolades! Light! ? Hmmm. - Here you are No Sir... - Go on, take it, keep it! Welcome Praan Sahib! I'll be called for a shoot! - When did you get back from Madras? Yesterday. It was scorching hot! Look at me, burnt berry brown! Meet Professor Gupta, Kusum, Naveen. Are you in the film line? - No. Would you like to be? - No. But, why not? You've got personality, a handsome face, curly hair, great build... just like Dharmendra, like a He-Man! I could talk to producers. No. I am not interested. I am content with what I am and... Absurd! That's the first man who hasn't fallen for film glamour! Hey Praan Sahib, that's a smart watch! Aah, yes! Only yesterday, this man forcibly presented it to me. I don't much care for it... look at the dial! Do you like it? It's a beautiful watch! I don't think so, so you keep it... here! I've told you, its yours... Stop! One whack otherwise... Maybe he's given it to you with an intent! An intent? ! Yes! He never does anything without a motive! Because, most of the time he's a villain in the movies? In real life, he's a different person. Funny, but he's always doing good! This is the film line, Professor Gentlemen are portrayed as villains. And those like myself, are heroes! Shot's ready, where's the hero? Let's go! Hey Guddi, you really took him for a villain? He's awful only in a film! Don't you understand, they do as the writer and director want? The real heroes are all behind the camera! Stop! Why are you wasting your life, young man? Tell me, where the map is and I'll cover you with riches! I should be a traitor for these diamonds? I trade my pride and my country? You fool, so what about your country! ? This is my country, where I live and die... this country called Hindustan! Right... since you so keenly wish to end it all I could help... What dialogues! When this film is released and Dharmenderji says "...this is my country - the country called Hindustan!" Just watch the response of the crowd! The poor writer! No credit for him. The crowd applauds the artist! That was a great shot! - Thank you. Praanji, you are beaten black and blue in every film! Dear chap, it's fun when it happens with Dharmendra! But with some of the others, I only have to blow and they'd fly off! You must know of the idiom -"Even a lion dies at the hands of a vulture"! Praanji, your telephone... When I'm working? Who could this be? . Excuse me... Mamaji... there's someone in Praanji's clothes! Who is he? It's his duplicate . Meaning? This is risky. Scenes having a fire... jumping from heights... violence - fights, duplicates handle all of them. Start sound! Don't worry! They'll cut this portion. No one will know. Thirteen/Two Game Point! Game up! Gosh, you really give a good fight, Naveen! Where did you practice? Good stuff! You got me sweating! If you insisted on losing, why did you play? Monty, you've got no brains, you wouldn't understand. Naveen, both of you pile on later. Come home with Bhagwan. You bring them home later. Why did you let him win? Where was the need? Don't worry, I'll be there. I know it's a 7 o'clock shift. No, I wasn't partying last night! Yes, yes, they've arrived... Thank you very much. Come on in, Naveen, that was your Mamaji. Really? Yes, he said he wanted same paan (beetle leaf) from the shop outside. Paan? But Mamaji does not eat paan! ? I know, I know, but just the other day... I'd given him sweet Banarasi paan to taste and he loved it! He's asked you to go across and get two paans for him on the way back... Right, so then we'll take your leave? Why? Why don't you eat and go? No, we've really eaten too much, Didi must be waiting... O.K. Drop in whenever you like... I could do with some badminton! Goodnight... May I come with you? - It's not necessary. What happened... What's happened? - Thugs! Thugs? In this neighborhood? - You get thugs anywhere! What's this? Blood! ? That's alright. You don't have to tear your sari... like a heroine and make a bandage! I don't use duplicates when I fight! Now get in! My God! Professor Sahib, your nephew is something else! What did he have in his hands? - Nothing! What did you expect? One punch and he's rattled my dentures! Professor Sahib, mine are lose too! If we'd taken him into confidence this might not have happened! No Professor Sahib, he's got a lot of self respect! He'd have never agreed. Come on, I'll drop you off! Some coffee? - It's not required! Mamaji, what's happened? - Nothing, Navin. I tried to do someone a good turn and... So? - I overdid it a bit. You were attacked suddenly? Yes, Mamaji! They shut my mouth, dug a gun into me and wanted... whatever I possessed! Despite that, I screamed. Navin ran back and fought them off! Biff! Biff! What's wrong? ! I'm hurting, nothing more! And then? Then? The shorter of the hoodlums fell under his blow. The taller one gathered his skirts and took off! If only you were there, Mamaji you'd have loved it! I'm having a great time listening to all of it! Navin's really brave, Mamaji! Don't talk about him! Go get me some hot tea! OK. Hello? - Dharmenderji, what's happening? Oh Professor Sahib, nothing really. I've got one cheek left. Poor chap. My dentures are loose and I haven't heard the end of Navin's bravery! Which means my experiment worked! That's why I've called, to tell you about her progress. Professor Sahib, I've done a lot of memorizing of dialogues and... knowing how the story would evolve. But this is different. This is the first time where I don't know the outcome! ? ! I've trapped you in a terrible scene! I'm indebted to you! I remark a change in her! Kusum is changing. I need your support a little longer. It will all work out. Don't worry, Professor Sahib, I'll be with you throughout. Good night, Sir. Get the light carriage here. - Here, and call them in! Get them! - Right, let's go. Kundan Bhaiyya. - Who? Remember Kundan Bhaiyya? Tara's brother? Look, there! Kundanji... Are you Kundan? .. Tara studies with Kusum, that's how I know of you. How is Tara, and Mother? Is something wrong? How should they be? Someone's strapping brother... Someone's young son vanishes overnight? What got into you? Who brainwashed you? No one - you've got it wrong. I did it myself. The glamour of the film world enticed me. I thought it would work out. I took a chance. A big risk. Only when I got here did I realize how hard I'd have to work. Having no background, no know-how, nothing... Then return home... I can't. You see, - I pilched money from them. With what face do I return? Kundunji, Mother's don't look at faces. They look at minds. They are pure. Do you feel ashamed when you pray, despite all said and done? No. Here's some money. It will get you home... off you go... No. I won't accept the money. I'll earn something and get back on my own. When you do earn, you can repay me. Kundan, I am no stranger. Go on, you've found yourself a brother! When you get back, Tara and Mother will be overwhelmed. I want a part of that feeling as a brother... your brother... Go on, take it. Keep it... use it. What is it, Mamaji? You've got a lunch invite at Dharmenderji's, remember? You and Kusum go along. I've got some work. I don't think I want to go. So then cancel it. I don't want to go either. But I telephoned and said the two of you would be coming! What will I do there? I do get a bit awkward, Mamaji. You're not doing this for yourself. You're doing it for Kusum. Go on, get dressed both of you. Dharmenderji, may I take your photograph today? Today? It's a little difficult. Would you try, please? Could you wait some time? Zamindar Sahib, I only want a rupee! The moneylender wont part with it, he is such a miser! Hey Pandit Maganlal, the moneylender couldn't be worse than me! 35 years ago, when I had bought ghee worth one rupee from the Punjab, I packed it tight. My Roti's are cooked in the same ghee today! That ghee is not over. I still use it! I cook my rotis right near the ghee box! The ghee stares at those rotis and vice-versa. That's when the rotis change into Parathas and I devour them! What happened? He's been feverish for a few days... He must have collapsed. So lift him and put him in my car. Take him to the hospital right away! Kusum, come on with us. Hey, Lalit, get your here! - Right. You're in charge? - Yes. When you knew he was unwell, why did you let him work? I forbid him. But then if he doesn't work he has no money to take home, you see! ? Here! Rs. 100/-. Send him home. Only get him to work when he's fine. You could ask me for more money. Siraj Bhai, its incredible - the plastic glamour of the film line. But what goes on behind the scenes is altogether a different story! Dharmenderji, you've got time now. May I take some photos? You should be ashamed! That poor electrician is dying... and you want to take my photos? ! Why don't you take his snaps? Write about him? ! - I'm sorry Dharmenderji. Take a seat, Naveen. Do you like this place? This film studio? Yes, the entire film world? It's a strange world. There is always that fear of wandering and... getting lost... In all this glamour and glitter, anyone could get lost. But I notice that all this seems to have no effect on you! Naveen, despite being a part of this world, I do feel strange. Maybe because at heart I am still a village boy... And a village boy never really breaks off ties... with the land he so cherishes. When I had my land, I was so proud and safe... I knew that it was not only enough to feed me but all of my family. But here, I feel alone, very alone, away from my roots. I know that as long as I am in the limelight in all this glamour... people will want me, applaud me. One day, when there is no light, darkness will engulf me. In this darkness, no one will reach for me. Do you remember that scene where a man was pressing MJ's feet? Do you know who he is? One of the greats... of the silent movie era, Master Siraj; he's nowhere today. Come, let me show you something. There's that studio? All burnt out? I'd started my career here, with Bimalda... Bimal Roy was making "Bandhani". He's gone now, and so is the studio. Two biggahs of land, "Bandhani" "Madhumati"... All in these four walls, pearls and diamonds. What great talent has been here, who remembers these names today? They'll soon be buried in time. This place which should remain a temple of talent... will one day be converted to a soap factory. Each of us over here has a specific time. The way I do. Look at that light. It must have lit so many star profiles... and even glamorized them. Today, it's burnt and broken... lens lies in the rubble, in these ashes, staring nowhere. Gosh, I'd forgotten, let's go eat lunch. No, not today... But we'll do it some other time. I understand, after all that's happened today. That's alright... We'll take your leave - OK, all the best! Thank you! Dharmenderji, I am sorry, I troubled you. But I'd like to say something. - Yes? I have a wife and two little kids, and I have a college degree. When in college, photography was my hobby. Today, that degree is useless. But my photography gets me two square meals a day. You got upset because I didn't photograph that support staff. You tell me, who would have bought his picture? You do know the press - It does not serve the public or the truth. Everything is weighed against money. That is why naked glamour is photographed by everyone. I contribute to it in my own way. I know this is a type of prostitution. But then isn't it done all the time? Especially, if there are two square meals involved? People buy photographs of heroes and heroines... they have them framed, then mount them on walls. Who has ever framed the heroes of our country? Have you ever thought of that? I am sorry. That accident has blown my mind. I've said a lot to you, for no real fault of yours. It's our system, you see, but I will give you an interview. And this time, it will be a story that's never been printed before. So come with me now... Mamaji, don't you ever tire of reading? Yes, I do - Then what do you do? I panic. Then I read again! - Oh no! Why, what's the matter? - Mamaji, lets go out for a drive? Yes. We'll go see a shoot too! - No, not a shoot, anywhere else! OK, call that Satyanarayan! - Him? He's ill. Ill? - Hmmm! What's wrong with him? - Since he's been staying with you... he's not only been reading but writing too! He sits so seriously as if he's doing school homework! Go on, coax him! If he doesn't listen, bully him! Bully him! - Yeah! Gosh! Fatso's four times my size. Look, where strength doesn't work, the mind should be put to use! Stop it... you've been writing for 3 days just as if... you are the Great Kalidas! - Kusum, stop disturbing me! Stop disturbing me! Come on, let's go out some place! Take Mamaji - I refuse to see a shoot. Oh no, no shooting - perhaps some place else? Oh? - Yes. I'm bored now. You're bored of shoots? - Yes. It's all make believe. It's a big con game You're even bored with Dharmender's shoot? What's the big deal with Dharmender's shoot? Why are you looking at me like that? - I'm not looking, I just don't believe my ears! - Why? The devil takes the Lord's name! ? Oh come on, stop this. Please, let's go... You've got glares on. You can't really see, but I am working... Which means, you're not coming? That's right, not until I've finished. Kusum, don't be a child! It's not funny! Give back my book. Don't be absurd... Kusum! Mamaji! - What happened? Kusum! Give back my book! Look, it's not funny anymore Kusum! Kusum! There's a limit to being silly! "The glamour of the film world is quite strange... Like pieces of glass, but when light falls on them... they shimmer like jewels. Without light, they are naked pieces of glass once again, not emeralds. The hero who take the role of a patriot holds his head high. But if he had to portray someone poor, the glamour would wash away. When the scene finishes, and the role is over... doesn't he feel empty once again? When he looks at those menials work... doesn't he feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness... when he realizes that they don't even get two square meals a day? He's not a patriot. Just self sufficient. Till today, films are shown in air-conditioned cinema houses. But when I visited those film studios, I have seen so much pain... I don't think I want to sit in comfort in any theatre for a long time. What a difference. From that same film... someone earns millions, while another hardly gets enough to eat! This glaring difference is the worst disease... that consumes the film industry. But why only the film industry? Isn't the difference a disease of our entire nation?" Here's your book. - Leave it on the table. I asked you to leave it on the table. - I've read it. You write beautifully. - I haven't asked for your opinion. Are you going to publish this in a magazine? This is not Dharmender's biography! Why do you nag me all the time? What wrong have I done? Is this what happens when someone makes a mistake! ? Guddi, where's your Bhabhi? - In the Kitchen, why? There are these photos I'd like her to see. Why don't you look at them... Which one do you like? - Who are they? Navin's wives - perhaps... I mean he could like some of them... or any of them! Do you like someone? Why ask me? Ask him who's getting married. Let's check whom you'd choose? None. None? How about this one? Parrot nosed? ! And that one? - She looks like a filmstar! Look at her coiffure? Someone's dropping by this evening. They say she's an absolute smasher! I guess... What's the matter with you? You've got one long face... I'd like to go home, Mamaji... Back to my father. Good grief... so suddenly? What's the hurry? Nothing. I'd like to go. Would you stop being stubborn? My brother celebrates my birthday each year... I'd like to go back. Your birthday...? When is it? The following Friday. - Then you stay right here. You go nowhere. We'll invite friends and family and we'll paint the town! When I was little, I'd ask my mother each time on my birthday, Come in Bharat, Guddi... Many happy returns on your birthday. Thank you. These are lovely flowers. Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl Bharat, no designs on Guddi, huh? He's a staunch member of our bachelor club... Chaturvedi Sahib... My daughter Kusum... Stay happy child. Do sit down... Bhaiyya... you here? But of course! It's your birthday! Guddi, go on, I... go! Why? - Go! Go, she's in the kitchen making mincemeat out of me... I mean mincing meat. I mean go on, go see her... Mamaji... you've not changed! Why didn't you get father? - You know dad, he won't move! Guddi, where are you going? Look after the guests. You go wash up. God party, huh Guddi. Yes, but... But? Oh right you are, Dharmendra hasn't shown up... So? Big deal! - No, I mean... Where's fatso... he's not here? Fatso...? Oh yes, Harihar. Maybe he's got some urgent work. He's been getting a lot of phone calls. There must be something. There's always something! What about the house and family? He's done this deliberately! Why would he do this deliberately? One day, I mean, I'd said to him on the terrace... What did you say? Nothing. Did you swear at him? - No! So big deal if he doesn't turn up. There are a lot many others? ! He can take them all! Really now? ! Don't you remember the way he biffed those thugs? You brought that up again? ! Hey Navin, there you are... And how come you're with me? I feel good, that's why! I've got good news. I'd like to share it with you. Go on, quick tell me! Remember, I had an interview going? Yes. You had mentioned it... I landed the job! Super! Great! Congratulations! I must have been lucky! - Lucky! ? What rot! You're capable! That's what! I am elated, even perhaps more than Mamaji. I'm sure. That's exactly why I've come here! It's great news. Everyone's going to be happy. Have you told Kusum yet? - No. It's her birthday today! There's a party! Are you going? No, I've got people coming over. Do ask her to excuse me... Oh...! I'm late, and you're not going... No problem, I'll telephone her myself. Have you bought her a present? No. Nothing. I've bought nothing. Why? Couldn't think of anything. Navin, may I ask you something? It's personal. Your attitude shows that you're really hurt and annoyed. No... er... not really! Navin, I do know what's going on between Kusum and you. When your Mamaji approached me, I wondered what I had got myself into. But I'm grateful to him. I haven't hurt an innocent girl... and I got myself a great buddy like you. Cigarette? - No thanks. I'm really proud of you but if I am the cause of your unhappiness... forgive me and forgive this innocent girl. Why do you talk like this? If I was petty, I wouldn't be here! Great attitude! If you'd do the same with Kusum, I'll know... that you're a true friend. So when are you leaving? Sometime today. - Today? That's why I thought I'd drop by. All the best, then... Modern Florists? This is Dharmendra. I've ordered some flowers. Just one favor, it's the name. They're not from me, but "With love from Navin". Thank you very much... thank you. Look, he still hasn't come back... - And where should I look? You find this funny? - What's to worry, child? That's odd, a family member hasn't arrived and you're OK? Whom are you waiting for? - For Harihar. Harihar? Which Harihar? - Our very own Ramdayal... Ramdayal? - Oh, Guddi's fatso, Navinchand! Aah... that's right! And where is he! ? Professor Gupta? - Yes? I'm here from Modern Florists. These are from Navin. Aren't they beautiful flowers, Mamaji? These are the best! You haven't sung yet... It's not polite. I'll sing and cut the cake only when Navin arrives. He will be coming. They say that when Nawab Bajid Ali was to arrive... his entry would be announced by his hookah. Similarly, Navin's arrival is announced by these flowers! You wait, he'll be dragging himself here while you sing. And so ladies and gentlemen, In customary fashion, a birthday party in the film line... is never complete without a song. Our Kusum, little Guddi will give you a song A good hand, all of you! Just a minute, the birthday girl has to refuse to sing twice... you see Mamaji, I'm not singing... As many times as she refuses, we all clap! So dear, it would be best if you would sing quickly! Yes, and Guddi, sing one of those oldies, otherwise we'll... Oh! And the hero comes home! Wonderful! The song beckons and... he is home! What an entry! Navin, thank you very much... your flowers are lovely! My flowers? - Yes. But I haven't sent you flowers! Oh Jijaji - there you are! Surprised, huh? ! So what's new with you, Engineer Sahib! I've got great news! You landed the job? - Yes. You got it? - Yes, I did. I tried telephoning, you weren't there. There was a problem with the postal department. The company letter states that I join them tomorrow. Tomorrow? How will you join up tomorrow? I'll leave by tonight's flight. My tickets are ready. Today? ! You're leaving now? Yes, I have to. Kusum. Wish you all the best in life. Girdhar Gopal, there's not much time left. Meet your sister. Tell her the good news and start packing! Where is Didi? - In the kitchen. No, on the terrace. On the terrace? What's she doing up there? She's got a headache. So where's Didi? She's below. Why did you bring me here? I did it deliberately. - Why? I want to tell you something. Do you have to go today? Yes. You couldn't wait for a day? What difference would it make? If it did, would you wait? How would you gain if I lost my job? If I gained, would you wait for me? No. It's not required. We're distant now, we've grown apart. I'm glad I got the job at the right time. I've been uneasy. Very uncomfortable for a few days. I'll be far away. I'll stop thinking of you. I'll forget everything. Go. Get out. Leave me. Forget it all. Kusum, don't cry. Stop crying. Don't... What difference does it make? You've made up your mind about leaving. Go! How do I go if you sob like this? Believe me. I don't want to get you unhappy today. Lies! All lies! You've deliberately made me unhappy! Always! You realize how much I trust you how much I rely on you. That's why! No, Kusum, no. That's not true. On this same terrace... one day, not long ago, you had said that... So? Is that it? Is that all? That's all you're clinging to? Look Kusum, I can't fathom you out. I do not know where I stand with you. Perhaps you look at me as a playmate, a friend, someone... to backslap. But it's different for me. You mean a lot more. It's almost unbearable, because I have grown to love you. That's why I'm going far away. It's best for all of us... If you don't affirm what I ask, I'll never say over... and you'll be standing there rooted for good. Tell me whether you will take me with you? Flutter your eyes? ! Kusum... oh Kusum Long live Dharmendra! The Weird Four of Lao Shan Watch out You are such an avaricious person You've married the lady of the Chang Chuen Clan and stolen their kung fu creed You think no one will know about this Too bad we've found you Help Help... Twins Stop, I'll give you anything you ask you just don't hurt my child I'll discuss this with you later Let me kill him Wait, don't kill him yet I want him to witness the killing of his offspring before I work on him Second sister Chang Chun You ungrateful creature Don't blame me You've kidnapped sister and stolen the creed How dare you say I've wrongly accused you? Say whatever you like but I haven't done anything wrong to you Teacher gave me the creed at his death bed and asked me to take good care of it What? Eldest sister Eldest sister I am his own daughter, the creed should belong to me Eldest sister, this is the will of Teacher it's not for you to decide unless you kill us all Sure. You think I'd be afraid? This is a treasure, would I give it to you? Oh, I almost forgot these two bastard kids Eldest sister You can't give him up? Eldest sister, I've searched them The creed is not with them How can that be? They took it with them Could they have known that we will be here to get it such that they have hidden it? That's why I wanted them alive Since they don't have the creed with them they might have given it to Lian Lan Yan, so let's... What? keep this one? I know that Chang Chun has asked his foster brother Lian Lan Yan to meet him here I've heard that Lian is known as the No.1 Swordsman This will complicate the matter if Lian has the creed That's why I have to keep one child When he comes and finds out the Changs couple was killed by us and a child is lost he will surely seek revenge from us As long as he comes to us he will surely give us the creed Alright, we'll wait for him to get into our trap Brother Brother, I'm late The Weird Four of Lao Shan You've stolen the creed and killed to prevent future trouble Not me, it's Chang Zhai...he set me up Where's he? They are waiting for me at the Happy Valley Happy Valley? "Happy restaurant" Have a seat, Sir Sir, are you here for accommodation or for meal? Give me some wine and noodles Come back Give me a bowl of rice soup too Rice soup? Traveller, why are you taking a child along with you? Come, give me the child Sir, the wine is here This wine is not good enough for an honourable guest You'd better try the specialty here White liquor I like coarse wine Alright, bastard, how dare you create trouble here Happy Valley is no ordinary place If you are not good in martial arts you are digging your own grave here Right, I'll show you Heaven Full of Stars Stop You blind dogs Don't you know who he is? How dare you offend him Hero Lian is here, retreat Yes I'm Tu Ah kun, there's something I don't understand We have nothing to do with each other why do you have to fight? If you don't want me to fight hand over that bastard Chang Zhai Chang Zhai? Hero Lian You've looked down on us people here People here are just one ruthless bunch He's just a nobody and is not good enough to stay here That bastard is a traitor who is sly and treacherous He stole the Chief's creed killed his own master He now seeks refuge at your place As soon as you hand him over I'll leave immediately If you dare protect him, don't blame me for the fight Hero Lian I am responsible for all the personnel in here Nobody came to seek refuge in the last two days maybe he's on the way, and has not yet arrived Hero Lian, if you are in doubt you can come and look We will not shelter and protect a nobody like him What's the grudge between you and him? Don't be afraid As long as you hand over Chang Zhai Chang Chuen Clan will not create troubles And who's this child? He's the only descendant of the Changs Alright, since Hero Lian knows that he will be here then please stay here for a couple of days As soon as that bastard comes you can do whatever you want to him Chang Zhai, leave immediately Hero Lian is looking for you Alright, let's go Go Who stole my child? If you don't hand him over I'll kill you all You... Speak, rascal where did you hide my child? I don't know Tell me the truth or I'll kill you Lian Lan Yan has been well-known as a hero who is upright and won't kill the innocent Now I see a fool who confuses good with evil People from the Happy Valley are all villains there's no harm killing them all It's true that Happy Valley people are all villains I, Lan Cun Xiu has now become a doctor If there's no chance of turning over a new leaf you can do whatever you want You are the Poison Scholar? Yes I have turned over a new leaf So why are you hiding in the Happy Valley? There are too many enemies in the martial arts world that's why I came here You really don't know where the child is I really don't Hero Lian Hero, I have something to report Who are you? I am Setu Qian Where's the child? Don't worry, he's fine but I need a favour from you Give me back the child first We have no peace of mind while you are here if you promise to leave this place neverreturn the child will be returned to your immediately Alright, just give me back the child and I'll promise you anything you want Alright, Hero Lian, please Hero Lian, the child is here keep your promise and leave this place immediately Please excuse me Child What do you want? You want to kill the renowned No.1 Swordsman You want to win fame, right? Hero Lian, it's so unexpected that such an experienced person as yourself has fallen into our hands today Brother, since Hero Lian is here we should serve him well Don't move Let him try our own clan's martial arts skills Alright, let him first try my Deadly Beauty Palm skill Try my Smiling Sword My name is Lin Da Tsui (big mouth), I like eating thigh Don't forget me, try my "Heaven Full of Stars" kill him Wait... Gentlemen...wait Half of his pressure points have been injured his life's in danger Give him to me To you? There's no point killing him Give him to me so I could try all sorts of medicine on him maybe it would be useful to you some day Alright, take him back as a guinea pig But if he recovers be careful we'll kill you Yes Wait What are we going to do with this child? Cook him Eat him Wait, let me ask you What people are the most evil and cruel in the world? It's us, of course Alright, since we are the most cruel why are we all hiding here and dare not go out? Do you still have to ask? It's 'coz we've made too many foes in the martial world and dare not show our faces That's because we are not smart enough Now we have to train someone who is a smart, tactful and a shrewd bastard Today I'll teach you "Flying Eagle snatching rabbit" I'll teach you " Swallow turning over" Fairy Sprinkles the Flowers Piercing Sword Come, learn my "Heaven Full of Stars" style Bloody Sand Palm Siao Lu Er, what are you doing? What are you doing? Who let you fish here? You deliberately want to piss me off What? You don't own the river It's none of your business that I fish here I said I won't allow it What are you doing? I spent the whole day to get them Why have you thrown them away? Where has he gone? I tell you, this is called the Stalking Spirit Well, you dare to hit your teacher I want to see how good is your Stalking Spirit Try this "Heaven Full of Stars" Siao Lu Er, you... Siao Lu Er, you are too reckless Siao Lu Er, you haven't finished your training yet you dare to be rude to your teachers, kneel down kneel Rude to my teachers? Who are my teachers? What? We have taught our kung fu to you are we not your teachers then? You think you're smart I have never considered myself your student You wretch, how ungrateful could you be! Where are you running? See who's the student? Damn you, bitch Drink the medicine while there's no one outside You have suffered these over ten years I don't know how to repay you No need for such kind words As long as your wound heals, I'd have atoned for my sin My wound has long healed but I cannot use my Qi (energy flow) It'll be better with time Don't tell Siao Lu Er about my wound for the time being let her spend more time with these villains, so she'd be prepared and not be taken advantage of in future She is a spoilt kid but she has a kind heart I wonder what her kung fu is like Not bad but a bit mixed It's funny those villains taught her all they knew, and now they can't defeat her even if they joined together Uncle Lan She's here Siao Lu Er, have you come to see your uncle Lian? Why is uncle Lian's illness still not cured? Relax. He's been taking the medicine for years the sickness will eventually be cured If only uncle Lian could tell me who killed my parents Strange, I have messed with them so much why do they still keep me here? You should not be hasty or they'll be suspicious I don't care, if they still keep me I'll cause them endless trouble She's causing so much trouble Happy Valley has become her personal domain now Let's get her out of here Right If we want to live in peace in Happy Valley she'll have to go Right This ungrateful kid don't respect us as her teachers she is not a human being we must get rid of her Right I'm already tired of staying here You need not drive me out I won't stay even if you asked me Goodbye, all of you Damn, this kid Uncle Lan... They've driven me out Really? They're bad, but I can be worse They took all they could so they have to let me go Good...when will you leave? I don't want to go now Why? Uncle Lian has not recovered yet how could I... Lu Er Not avenging father's murder is a sin, remember? Uncle Lian, you can speak now If you don't leave, I'll never speak again Tell me who killed my father Chang Zhai Come on, take me to him I can't leave here just yet You go and seek out that beast first After restoring my kung fu, I'll come look for you Remember he has a mole on his chest he is your father's murderer Chang Zhai Uncle Lan, no need to see me off Be careful I know Please tell uncle Lian to come early I know In fact uncle Lian is more cautious than you are Be careful I've heard Chang Zhai is treacherous so don't be rash I'll try every means to avenge my father You ask for it! Tse Xin Chan, we've waited for you for a long time Who are you? We are the three lnvincible Heavenly Swordsmen Gods and devils fear us alike So you also want to take advantage of me like them, isn't it? You are smart We want the treasure map I have it, but you might not afford it How much do you want? Your lives Thanks for saving my life Who are you? I...kill those who bluff I really don't know how I should thank you No need to Carrying such important things with you is asking for unnecessary trouble Let me do it You've been hit by a poisoned dart You will die if the poison is not sucked out before it gets to your pressure points Don't... Don't move if you want to live But I... What are you afraid of? You are not a woman No wonder you are bashful You are a woman Thanks for saving my life Please tell me your name so that I can repay you some other time My name is Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er...what an extraordinary name My parents were killed when I was born People from the Happy Valley gave me this name because I am agile What's your name? Where do you live? My name is Tse Xin Chan, I am homeless I was brought up at the Chang Chuen Clan I have a similar background Where are you heading to? Happy Valley Happy Valley? What for? To look for my brother Who's your brother? Hua Yu Chun No one in Happy Valley is called by this name No, he's looking for someone there I just came out from the Happy Valley Nobody came What... What am I going to do? Do you seek him for something urgent? I... I have to give something to him in person Is it what those people are trying to snatch from you? Where is it now? Don't worry, I won't take it Inside the boots, go get it yourself What's this? Chang Chuen Clan secret creed's treasure map Where did you get it? This belonged to the Chang Chuen Clan but was stolen by a traitor My brother is going after him I came out to have fun and found this map by chance Is it certain that, that man is in the Happy Valley? My Teacher said that Lian conspired with my aunt He stole the creed from the Chang Chuen Clan and went hiding in the Happy Valley I have to give it to my brother to determine whether this map is genuine or not Lian Lan Yan is my foster father, he is a good man My Teacher said so too Would you like to go and see what has happened? Where to? Mount Er Mei Mount Er Mei Don't go the wrong way According to map, climb this mountain we'rethere Look Ours Chang Chuen Clan have nothing with each other Why would there be a treasure map from them? Let's have a look inside Right This is where the ancestors of our clan are buried No one is allowed to go in You must be joking, I won't come all the way for nothing We are Buddhists, we won't lie Even if it's a place for burial it's no big deal just taking a look No We have to If you have to, forgive me for being rude What do you want? Attack Wait, have you come for the treasure? Yes How do you know there's treasure here? We have the map Are you together? No, we are not Look at mine, are they the same? Yes We've all been tricked Tricked? If there's treasure here there should only be one map How come there are so many? This must be some kind of treacherous plan to have us all fight against Er Mei and annihilate each other If you don't mind being tricked go in and have a look. Excuse me Siao Lu Er Master please stay Master please stay You stood out to appease us all please come in and have some tea No need Siao Lu Er... Wait for me Why are you following me? I... What? Where are you going? I don't even know myself Then...then... Then what Speak up I won't wait for you if you don't If you go away, what am I going to do? Do whatever you want Let me tell you, we won't meet again Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er Damn Siao Lu Er... Stand still Why are you bullying my sister? What nonsense! Who's bullying your sister? See if you can block my sword Wait, I don't know you why do you want to fight with me? To teach you a lesson What lesson? To behave properly Who are you? Hua Yu Chun, successor of the Chang Chuen Clan Siao Lu Er... Why do you want to kill him... I heard your shout You...don't even know him how can you kill him as soon as you met him, you... you are too reckless Sister Who is he? He saved my life He is the foster son of Lian Lan Yan Sister, I am here to look for Lian Lan Yan Have you forgotten what Teacher said? Sister, all those who are related to Lian Lan Yan have to be killed I'd better take you back first This chicken tastes so good Being hungry is unbearable This chicken bone is for you Come in if you want to eat, but stop snooping around Take it Where are you from? From where I came from Where are you going to? To where I am going to What's your name? I don't have a name, people call me Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er? Alright, if I haven't had anything to go with my wine I'll cook you Not that easy I am too agile to be caught You are really something What's your name? I am Yu Chi Zhao Guang I am always "san (three) guang (spent)" "San guang" Eat all, spend all in gambling, pawn everything You are really something too Yu Chi Zhao Guang, Ci Yun temple is a place for worship Why kill the innocent, and desecrate this holy place? Mind your own business Why should I? I am the master Right, if you insist, I'll tell you They didn't follow the gambling rules and cheated our money with loaded dice I can't let them cheat other people Whatever your reason I want you to leave here immediately I can do that but you have to ask my friend first Sorry, then I have to use force We've no grudge against each other, so why fight? Let's settle this peacefully how about that? Let's make a bet How? If within 3 moves you can hurt me I admit losing and will leave here at once and never return to Er Mei Right Wait What if you lose? Do as you please with me That's not necessary I want that copper badge you're wearing This is Master's insignia; I can't use this for a bet Forget it then It appears your Er Mei swords skill is lacking so you dare not make a bet with me Right, if I lose I have no credibility as a Master; On guard! Old man, you've lost You can't head Ci Yun temple with such paltry skills! So useless Wait, I'll also make a bet with you What? You too? If I lose, you'll have me cooked If you win, I'll take the badge kid, you're young but your greed is great You want to be the master of Ci Yun temple too? Sure, that's not a bad idea Right, how do you want to bet? There are many bees here Guess how many bees could I kill with one move? At the most five or six What if there're more? Then I lose It's a deal Fairy Sprinkles the Flowers That's a petty skill For you Wait... Bring this back You bastard priest You've been so good to him, but there's no appreciation There's no need for such gratitude You really are something During all the years of my life in the martial world I haven't met anyone like you You said you've been in martial world for so long I would like to find out news from you about someone Let's see if or not you know him I know everyone with fame Who are you referring to? Chang Zhai Chang... Chang Zhai He must be a nobody, I haven't heard about him Why are you asking about him? I want to find him Since I am free and I have made you my friend I might as well go with you Alright, let's go Go It's been our pleasure to know you, Hero Chang Hero Chang is a well-known and righteous man who deserves our respect I'm just a warrior, what virtues or abilities have I? You've been too kind, I feel ashamed You are too kind Our Qing City can rely on Hero Chang hereafter This is our blessing This toast is to welcome Hero Chang as well as to show our respect Come... Hero Chang Hero Chang, do you remember seeing this thing? Hero Chang, long time no see; recognize me? Haven't seen you for so many years, how are you? Fine It must be hard for you coming to see me all the way Come in and have a drink, please Everybody, excuse me Please... Please Chang Zhai, I have looked for you for 1 8 years I didn't realise that you are now Chang Ting Le, the most renowned hero of Chung Chow One should do the best who doesn't want to be renowned? Since I've brought you this you have to keep your promise Promise? What? Have you forgotten? You asked me kill Chang Chun years ago using his jade pendant as proof Now I've brought you the jade, what you've got to say? You mean... The three lives of the Weird Four of Lao Shan enabled you to win the name of the Hero of Chung Chow It isn't too much to ask for 1 0,000 taels of silver Not much... But I am short of money, and can't give you that much Got it What do you think? What? You want me to rob Qing Yuan Security Bureau? Tie Wu Shuang is not to be messed with You want me to fall into a trap? I've checked it out His man Wu Yong escorted the money He thought Qing Yuan Security Bureau bears a good name Friends from the martial arts world respect him therefore he didn't escort it himself As soon as you are there, you'll get it easily Alright, I'll go. As soon as I get the money our debts will be settled once and for all If you mess up I'll kill you Don't worry, my reputation means a lot to me I won't make enemies At what place should I hit them? Er Hu Po That security cart looks so magnificent It must be from a famous security bureau The truck looks heavy It must be carrying a lot of money Here is the notorious Er Hu Po Without enough credibility the bureau will have trouble Look Haven't you checked it out? Qing Yuan Security Bureau is not to be messed with I'll show you how deadly I am today Tell your security chief that the money is robbed by Black Face of The Weird Four of Lao Shan Tell him to come to me if he has the guts You... You are a shameless villain you are unworthy to live Thank you, Hero Chang I'll report this to Chief Lui He will thank you in person some other day No need for formalities Take this to treat your wounds Thank you, Hero Chang Hero Chang, who is it? He became well-known lately and often disburses money to public for a just cause People from the martial arts world respect him Those robbers seem to know him why have they killed him so quickly Who doesn't know a famous hero? Never mind, let's go "Tian Fu Inn" Are there any rooms? I'm so sorry Our inn has been reserved by the Hero of Chung Chow Please stay, may I know your name please? I am Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er? Come in and have a seat Didn't you say the inn has been reserved? Someone has already reserved it for you Please follow me... I'll lead them to the room. Please Master, if this room had not been reserved in advance it would have been taken Because of this, I've offended many old customers That customer instructed that this cloth bag should be handed to you in person when you come Please have a look Money? Clothing, money? How could there be such a good person in this world reserving a room, and giving us money What's his name? He said he's Master of Ci Yun temple at the Mt. Er Mei This is a small token from him and requested you not to refuse Ci Yun temple That priest still has some conscience What a satisfying meal! Are you drunk? No You... Walk slowly... Hold on...follow me... Hero Chang, rest early, see you tomorrow There's an assassin! How's everything? All done, at the Mu Dan Mansion Where's the man? He's been killed. But... What? Don't know where Wu Yong's gone Nowhere can he be found Deliver the stuff to Qing City first thing tomorrow Alright Be careful on your way and don't let others find out Yes Have you seen Hero Chang? Yes Brother, I don't understand Why did Hero Chang do this? This is killing two birds with one stone He can be both, a good rich guy at the same time Then he's going against the Qing Yuan Security Bureau Lui Qing Yuan will go bankrupt That's none of our business Brothers, you two are on guard tonight we'll set off early tomorrow C'mon, let's go and sleep Go... Someone's here Where? ... Anybody there? No Who will be here so late? You must be seeing things...go... get some sleep It's you You have guts Yes I do Aren't you drunk? Chang's drunk too, isn't it? It's strange, he obviously wants to rob him yet pretends to be a good person All that glitters is not gold Chang is not a good person at all Watch him, I'll take care of these idiots See you at the City of Qing Alright Hero Chang, thanks for your help in saving our delivery I have no other way to thank you but to propose to you a toast Oh c'mon, don't be formal it's no big deal You're righteous as well as a martial arts expert I admire you It's all because of your help that I could recover the eighty thousand taels of silver Come Yes Here is a small token of thanks Master Chin, you are too kind It's my duty as a junior to do something for you I can't take this for any reason A refusal would mean you look down on me Alright For your kindness I must say I am undeserving I have the greatest appreciation You put righteousness above wealth you are truly a great hero of Chung Chow Chief We have a big problem What's the matter? Chief Wu... The security carts have been robbed Where? Peony Mansion When? About 3 days ago Who did it? I don't know Don't know? Why not? I wasn't there, I deserve to die Why not? I was seriously wounded at Er Hu Po and sought medical help at Peony Mansion Being hard for me to move I stayed over at the doctor not expecting to find the innkeeper dead on my return The money was gone also You're responsible for the safe conduct of the money Now it's gone, and you should be liable Old master Chin... Shut up Old master Chin, don't worry even if I have to go bankrupt, I'll pay you back Good Chief... The security carts have...returned You nincompoops there're six of you yet you can't guard the carts Aren't you ashamed to face me? Yes... Speak, who robbed the carts? He's called Guang something Yu Chi Zhao Guang Where were you robbed? White Tiger Hill, we followed him and saw he hand over the carts to Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er? Do you know where he lives? Gao Sing Inn Grab him here to see me Yes Go quickly This kid is too much His kung fu is deadly Especially that "Fairy Sprinkles the Flowers" of his ...it's hard to guard against Do you know who his Teacher is? It's heard that he's been taught by the folks at Happy Valley Master... Hua Yu Chun of the Chang Chuen Clan will come tomorrow Chang Chuen Clan has enmity with Happy Valley people Can we... Good, he's here in time I'll go in person to the city gate to welcome him Yes He's coming, Master Hua is coming, hurry... Are you Master Hua from the Chang Chuen Clan? Yes I am Chang Ting Le, nice meeting you We'll hold a dinner for you at Zhuang Yuan restaurant Zhuang Yuan restaurant Master Hua is coming... Here... Please So beautiful Please Gentlemen We are honoured today to have Master Hua here Master Hua is a senior student of the Chang Chuen Clan He's handsome and also an expert in martial arts He's honestly a young hero You are too kind... I am inexperienced to be called a hero Hero Chang's name is well-known throughout the land It's my pleasure to know you You've over praised me, I don't deserve it I'm no match of you The two of you are like old friends Dinner is ready, please be seated Please... Please be seated... Please be seated Please City of Qing is famous for its honesty Unfortunately, we have business to deal with and cannot stay here for long I know you are anxious to take revenge but I still hope that you can stay here longer and enjoy our hospitality I can take you to visit some famous spots Come... Cheers Please be seated... I'll be at your service at all costs I am not deserving If you don't mind I'd like very much to be an intimate friend of yours Here... I'll drink to you Who is it? Who is it? It's your master Siao Lu Er Siao Lu Er How dare you oppose me I must kill you Wait, let's see what he wants Hua Yu Chun, you'd never have imagined that I'm not yet dead Chang is not a good person I'd rather you not befriend him I don't know you why are you slandering me? You can fool others of what you've done but not me Hua Yu Chun, I am returning good for evil believe it or not Don't sink to his level I have a mission and must settle this with his foster father You are magnanimous and quick to forgive Master Hua, the food is getting cold, please eat Alright... Don't mess with them anymore... Let's have a drink No, he is ingratiating himself with Hua Yu Chun he must have a hidden agenda I want to see what he's up to I'll go alone then Please... Sister this is your favourite sweet glutinous rice Try it No, I can't My head feels light, I want to go back Alright, goodbye It's our pleasure today C'mon men, call a carriage Yes Please... Master Hua Hero Chang Please come again when you have time See you tomorrow See you tomorrow Sister, go back first It's late, you still want to go out? I have some business to take care of Chief, you're back? Get the horse and tie it up here Yes Isn't this the treasure map of Chang Chuen Clan? Why are there so many copies? He's playing tricks Snow mosquito essence, a most deadly poison Red Crane, peacock's gall bladder, deadly powder This guy has hidden so many kinds of poison This is... Chang Chuen Clan secret creed Strange, why would this be with him? What a nerve You are digging your own grave A Chung Chow hero who is in fact a villain When I hand over the Nam Tin 7 styles to Hua Yu Chun your days are numbered It's no use handing it to him Why? I have burnt the original long ago I have planted a trap see where you can run? Chase... Siao Lu Er, you've asked for it this time I forbid you to kill him Master Hua? Nobody kills him except me Why can't I kill him? I want to kill him with my own hands Alright, you all want to kill me In any case my hands and feet are tied do what you like with me killing a trapped animal is not a heroic act Let's go elsewhere make you die with your eyes closed Let him go I... Let him go Let's go Xin Chan, you... If you have to kill him, kill me first What are you doing? He saved my life, I beg you You have to let him go no matter what I hope you won't meet me next time you'll surely die Siao Lu Er Uncle Lan Why are you here? Uncle Lian's sickness is cured People in the Happy Valley are furious so we ran out And Uncle Lian? He'll come after he has taken care of business Come to my shop first and we'll talk Okay... This is my shop, come It's good business today Our stock has been sold out Prepare some tea for us Sir, what medicine are they buying? Aconite, Cinnamon, rhino horn, bear's gall bladder Uncle Lan, who is buying such medicine for chills and heatedness? We're doing business. They buy, we sell; it's so simple everything else does not concern us Siao Lu Er, what have you been doing these days? Nothing much, fooling around I told you to find information about that Chang Zhai have you found out anything yet? No There doesn't appear to be such a person No such person? Could he be dead? Who sent it? Master Lau You may go Sweet glutinous rice, who sent it? I don't know either Smells good, you go ahead and eat It's your favourite No need to stand on ceremony Xin Chan...what's the matter? It hurts so bad Could it have been poisoned? Who is it? Me Who is it? Chang Ting Le Hero of Chung Chow? Hero Chang, what brings you here so late? My friend's been poisoned and has a severe stomach pain I need aconite, cinnamon, rhino horn, bear gall bladder Two ounces each They have all been sold out All sold out? Nothing left Very sorry Strange, all the shops have sold them out Uncle Lan, you know that person? It's Hero of Chung Chow, who doesn't know him? Strange! How come he's here in the middle of the night to buy medicine? Tell me, who's put poison in the sweet glutinous rice? Speak Hero Chang, you are our old customer Master Hua is our customer too besides you know fully well Zhuang Yuan restaurant is an old shop and has been here for thirteen generations We will never do such harmful deeds Some villain must have set us up We are innocent Speak Hero Chang, please don't We are innocent We are operating a business can we refuse to sell anything? How come no one else has been poisoned? Did you receive it yourself when it was delivered to you? Yes Do you still remember how that man looked like? He... left once he'd put it down, I didn't see clearly You didn't? No I think you must have conspired with others Hero Chang You won't tell the truth if I asked you politely Guards Here Take him to the magistrate Yes Hero Chang, we are innocent We are innocent Master Hua, Hero Chang, we are innocent Wait I don't think they poisoned the food This is no ordinary poison Even the antidote from our Chang Chuen Clan won't help What sort of poison is it? Snow mosquito essence This is poison from the ice Mountain Only aconite, cinnamon, rhino horn, bear gall bladder can help neutralise the poison But the one who put in the poison has planned well He bought all the medicine in town He surely wants us dead He only wanted to kill me but my sister became the victim This person deserves death Even if we sent them to the magistrate it won't help either We'd better let them go Yes Xin Chan... Master Hua The poison will wreck the stomach in an hour the time is almost up Can you think of something? We'd better prepare for the worst Master Hua... Miss Tse can be saved What? Someone brought in the medicine Where? I heard that you are looking for this medicine that's why I've brought it to you Aconite, cinnamon, rhino horn, bear's gall bladder Hurry and prepare the medicine Yes... Sir, please stay Where do you live? I hope to thank you some other day Master Hua, thank you. I don't desire fame or money Stand still I've looked all over the city and couldn't find them Where did you get your medicine? My Master asked me to deliver it to you Who? Speak I don't want to tell you It's your young master Siao Lu Er Master Hua, if you still need more medicine please go to Devil Heights, residence of Hero Chang You should learn your lesson after this There's a saying; 'one grows wiser after a lesson' there are many villains around If it were not for Siao Lu Er there would not have been any hope I really don't understand What does Chang Ting Le want? On the face of it he tries to ingratiate us but in actual fact he wants to kill us It's hard to understand Then there's that Siao Lu Er He knows very well that I want to kill him but one time after another he's saved you He doesn't seem to be a bad guy Since you don't think he's bad why can't you forget about your prejudice and be friends with him? Too bad he's the foster son of Lian Lan Yan We are destined to oppose each other What can I do? Do you believe everything Teacher said? Well... I know even if you didn't tell me Siao Lu Er I am not disrespectful Teacher used to say Lian Lan Yan was bad but I've heard everyone say he is a hero If he stole the creed why did he bother to draw the map again? Don't you find this strange? You didn't figure this out you wanna kill Siao Lu Er? Miss Tse, you don't have to beg for mercy for me Even if he has the guts to kill me I still wonder whether he has the skill to do so You know, if you hadn't saved sister's life twice I would have killed you already Don't use your sister as an excuse If it were not because of unfinished business I would have looked for you already What's special about Chang Chuen Clan's martial skills that Hero Lian Lan Yan should want the creed? You... Let me tell you however I've seen a creed at Chang Ting Le's It's the Nam Tin seven styles secret creed You can go and find him if you don't believe in me How can I believe you so easily? You might have put the blame on others After I've found the murderer of my father Three months later I'll await you at Mount Wo Long and avenge my foster father You are such a filial child Alright, three months later... the one who comes is a true hero Otherwise he is a coward Although he's arrogant, he's honourable Didn't you hear him say that Chang Ting Le has Nam Tin seven styles secret creed? This is getting more and more queer If you know the truth then the meeting 3 month later... I am supposed to honour it But if you found him to be innocent, will you cancel the duel, or would you still want to kill him? I'll let him go Could you explain that to Teacher? Siao Lu Er, you are destined to die You have guts and dare to kill Siao Lu Er Speak, who's the murderer? Where's his body? I said I want to kill him, but I haven't killed him yet I'll kill you if you dare touch him Who are you? Lian Lan Yan Hero Lian Where's Siao Lu Er? He's just left You bear a grudge against him? I bear grudge against you too I don't even know you I do Who's your Teacher? Fairy Hua Yu Er Who are you? Hua Yu Chun, successor of the Chang Chuen Clan Good, my foster brother was destroyed by the Chang Chuen Clan Who'd have guessed that I'd meet here a student from Chang Chuen Clan! I'll let you taste the deadliness of my sword If I can get back the secret creed, and avenge the Clan I won't regret it. Come on Uncle Lian Lu Er Uncle Lian, you can't kill him Why? Don't you realise that he wants to kill me? I know Then why do you want to save him? He said you conspired with his uncle and stole the secret creed Don't kill him if you want to clear your name Alright, you can go Wait Hua Yu Chun, if you are smart enough you should watch out for Chang Ting Le Lu Er, you've been away for so long have you found that bastard Chang Zhai yet? No, but I've come across a hypocrite who did great harm to the martial arts world Who is it? Chang Ting Le He's well known as the Hero of Chung Chow but what he did was even more evil than those from the Happy Valley How old is he? Around fifty Strange! Maybe it's the bastard who changed his name! Take me to him No Why? You'll frighten him away I'll go to him tomorrow and you watch him from behind. If it's really him ...then we can kill him together Master Hua, I'm so sorry that the 2 bowls of sweet glutinous rice have brought you so much trouble. I am really very sorry about that This wine is to make it to you I know that you have nothing to do with it You wouldn't have done such bad things Yes... Forget about it That's right, let's forget about it Don't go upstairs... Make way I'm sorry, we don't do business upstairs today No? Could we not even look for a friend? Who are you looking for? Hua Yu Chun It's you Brother Lu, come and have a seat In Hero Chang's presence how can l have a place here? Since you are a friend of Master Hua then you are a friend of mine too, come... Have a seat Please Alright What do you want with me? I'm here for a meal, but didn't know I'm not allowed up Hero Chang is entertaining guests today No...it should be the boss here He wants to make it up to me for what happened before What? You were almost killed and you still want to have meals with him? Watch your words please If you are not a friend of Hero Hua... Then what? I don't have a security bureau, so I don't fear robbery What are you talking about? You know very well...what I am talking about You... Alright...we are all friends don't be upset by some misunderstanding For my sake, let's drink Here... For your sake, I'll forget it Sorry... You're making trouble, don't blame me for being unkind Chang Zhai, I've been looking for you Bullshit, who's Chang Zhai? You, you are the one who killed my father You said I am Chang Zhai, what proof do you have? It's me Lian Lan Yan Chang Zhai, you can't fool me You betrayed your master for money 1 8 years ago and stole the secret creed of the Chang Chuen Clan Lu Er, it's one's duty to avenge one's father What are you waiting for? Men Hua Yu Chun Teacher What did I tell you before you left? You told me to kill Lian Lan Yan Then why didn't you do it? Because... Because of what? It isn't him who stole the secret creed of our Clan It was Chang Zhai who has just been killed by us No, the Chang Chuen Clan cannot co-exist with him Go and find Siao Lu Er immediately Sir, a friend is looking for you Lu Er You won't blame me for killing Chang Zhai before I clarified the matter with you? The case is cleared up An ungrateful bastard like him deserves death I regret not stabbing him more times I have something to talk to you about Alright, let's sit and talk What is it? I met my teacher just now, she... What about her? She wanted me to have a duel with you in three days or I'll be guilty of betraying my teacher So you want to talk about the duel, isn't it? I'm forced to That's weird, I was supposed to be the one... who wanted a duel; now I must go Chang Zhai stole the creed; I told this to teacher but she insisted she Hero Lian could never co-exist Ever since I was a child I remember Uncle Lian only moved to take medicine; He seldom spoke How could he have any grudge against your Teacher? Teacher seems to have personal reasons for wanting to kill you We have known each other for a short while but I admire your ability and your righteousness It would be nice if we could become good friends and fight for justice in the martial arts world I feel the same way too Although you've always been after my life... I don't hate you at all It's funny that every time when I wanted to kill you I feel like being stopped by a special force and end up letting you go You don't seem to be able to kill me too Although you are more expert than I am in martial arts, you are not as agile as I am It's not that easy to kill me But this time it's different Please be careful Teacher will be watching I'm afraid I have to kill you It's either you or me! So this is our parting day Let me tell you, Chang Chuen Clan's swordsmanship is quick and ruthless I hope you'd use the stalling technique to thwart speed Why are you telling me all these secrets? Because I don't want to kill you Then let's not fight No, I can't go against my Teacher We are like a pair of crickets We are forced to fight against each other even though we bear no grudge If I meet your Teacher, I'll ask her She won't tell you If she can tell you, she would have told me already Alright, I'm leaving See you at Wo Long Mount three days after Lu Er Uncle Lian I heard what you said Do you know why Hua Yu Chun's Teacher wants to kill us? To get the Nam Tin seven styles What? The Nam Tin seven styles are the finest techniques of Hua Nam Tin He drew it all in pictures for the fear they'd be lost What has it to do with me? Before Hua Nam Tin died he gave the secret creed to his youngest daughter In anger the two eldest daughters sought to kill her kill her? That's about it That youngest sister was your mother Hua Yu Chun You feel strange, don't you? I am a girl But in order to look for the one who killed my father I disguised as a man You keep your word I promise I'll come Both of us are here today I hope you can leave safely We'll try our luck Brother Hua, please Sister, please This is a life and death duel No one should break the rules Uncle Having the same roots we oughtn't fight each other! I shouldn't be hiding from you again You two are brother and sister What? He...he is my brother? I was too selfish at that time I cared only for my own welfare not realising that it would harm the next generation Uncle, what do you mean? You never realised that I am your second aunt We have three sisters Your grandpa loved your mom Before dying he handed her the Nam Tin seven styles Elder sister and I hated your parents and thought of this plan For revenge we're made to fight against each other Doesn't she have any feelings at all? I must settle this with her I must avenge my dead parents Alright, settle everything with me Elder sister Elder sister Do you have any great idea? I've been fooled by you for eighteen years kids I've let you all live for eighteen years longer Elder sister What are you doing? Hurry and go... Let's see where you can hide! kids, I've tolerated you for eighteen years It's time for me to settle the score Brother You've had your revenge, that's good news What are you crying for? Let's go Sister, Uncle Lian is right. Let's go This is a story about two men. One named Gale Sayers, the other, Brian Piccolo. They came from different parts of the country. They competed for the same job. One was white, the other black. One liked to talk a lot, the other was shy as a 3-year-old. Our story's about how they came to know each other fight each other and help each other. Ernest Hemingway said that every true story ends in death. This is a true story. Yo! Heads up! Here you go. Thanks. Gale Sayers? Brian Piccolo. We met up in Buffalo in that All-American game last June. Sorry, I didn't remember. I'm not good at that stuff. Oh, golly, that's all right. I can see how you might forget, but I sure couldn't. That was a heck of a talk we had. I said, "I'm Brian Piccolo. I hear we'll both be playing for the Bears." And you said... I'll never forget it. You said, "Uh-huh." Just like that. "Uh-huh." Whenever I'm feeling kind of low and depressed well, I think about that advice. A lot of guys wouldn't have talked to me, but not you. You just said, "Uh-huh." Just like that. Right out. Uh-huh. Where do I check in? That building over there. That's where Halas is. Did you ever meet him before? Talked to him on the phone a few times. Yeah, well... Look, let me give you a little hint, all right? See, he's... He's a good guy and all that but he's a little deaf in his left ear and a little too vain to admit it. So you gotta stand on his right side if you want him to hear you. Okay, thanks. You bet. Rookies gotta stick together. Pardon me. Can you tell me where I can find Coach Halas' office? Thank you. Come in. Well, Sayers. I'm George Halas. Yeah, I know. I mean, everyone knows who you are. You're in time to give me a hand with this thing. My good-luck picture. That's the first professional team I ever played on. The Decatur Staleys in 1920. How's your leg? I understand where you... - I understand you hurt it. - It's fine. 100%. And your head? My head? There's nothing wrong with my head. Good. Being in that All-Star game put you three weeks behind. - Ain't gonna be easy. - NFL ain't supposed to be easy. That's right. Well, all I can promise you is a fair shot. But you're gonna have a lot of company. Jon Arnett, Ralph Kurek, Brian Piccolo. There's gonna be plenty... Gonna be plenty crowded out there. A fair shot is all I want. Can't ask for more than that. We plan using our backs as receivers this year. Did you do much...? Did you do much pass catching when you were in college? Yes, sir, I did. Usually, safety-valve stuff. Well, I like to keep my backs in a pattern. Unless the other team's blitzing. You'll have to watch for that. Those linebackers. You gotta make sure they're not coming in. - I know, especially with teams... - What the hell are you doing? I don't know what you mean. I know you got moves, but you don't have to show them to me now. You're bouncing around here like a pauper in a pay toilet. Well, I was just trying to get on the side of your good ear. What are you talking about, "good ear"? Brian Piccolo said that... He said... Hey, Sayers. We'll have to stop meeting like this. My wife's getting suspicious. Hold it down! Some of you cats that pulled in today haven't heard what will be expected. So hold it down and let me talk. You new guys will get a playbook tomorrow. It's like the Bible. You lose your playbook, it's gonna cost you $1000. I heard this thing twice already today. Lose your playbook, it'd cost a $1000. Lose it twice, they feed your foot to the defense. Would you cool it, please? I'm just trying to be helpful. - Well, I don't need your... - Mr. Sayers! I mentioned the fine for talking at a meeting. You hear what I said? No, I did not. The fine for talking at a team meeting, Mr. Sayers, is $25. And it's just been laid on you. Can you dig that? Yeah. Sorry, man. Hold up. It was brought to my attention that unless Sayers was saying his beads it might be fair if Mr. Piccolo would sing a song. Say, like, maybe a fight song. Wake Forest, right, Mr. Piccolo? That's right. You can't let it get to you. It's just a question of style. Style, I say. Excuse me. Oh, here's to Wake Forest A glass of the finest Red Ruddy Rhenish filled up to the brim Her sons, they are many Unrivaled by any With hearts o'erflowing They will sing a hymn Rah! Rah! Rah! Wake Forest, rah! Old alma mater's sons we are We'll herald the story And die for her glory Old Black and Gold is ever waving high All right. Let's go to 10 nice and loud. Start off slowly. Ready. Exercise. One, two, three. One, two, three. Dig! Dig! What's wrong with you? You're not trying! You're not trying. You make me sick! We're loaning you those uniforms. Don't you know that? We'll let you keep them as long as you play like Chicago Bears. But the minute you start tiptoeing around, we're gonna want them back. 42-trap, Sayers up. Way to go! Way to go, Gale! That's more like it. Good execution, Charley. That's it. Two-ninety-two! Set, hut! Ready, set go! Ready, set, go! I think it's working. What's working? I'm getting you overconfident. Plant. You gotta plant your right foot, boy. That's dumb. Just practicing the halfback option. I haven't got the lock that you have on making the team and Halas said that they're gonna use that option a lot this year. And it's not one of my strong points, understand? Try going to your left. They don't look for a right-handed guy to throw, going to his left. I will, thanks. Hey, Sayers. I did say, "Thank you." I know. Well, that usually calls for a response like: "You're welcome," or "How's your mother?" "How's your mother?" She's fine. Thank you for asking. You're welcome. Hut! Hut! Okay, first cut. Where do we start? Backfield. - Fenne4? - Cut. - Daniels? - Cut. Sayers? Are you kidding? Charles? Shoot him. Justifiable homicide. What about Piccolo? He's too slow and he's too light, but he hangs in like a terrier. Let's keep him till the final cut. Hut! Hut! Hut! Piccolo, you bonehead, that was fake draw, screen right! What the hell do you do on fake draw, screen right? On a fake draw, screen right, I pick up a linebacker if he's coming. Unless it's Butkus, then I notify the quarterback to send for a priest. All right, knock it off. Don't encourage him. Let's run that again. Let's go. Come on. We're not holding this man up. I know we're not, that's why we're here. Don't tell me about the fool, because I was there! You talk like I'm blind! Come in. I saw him. But he's not giving him pressure. He didn't at the time. Hello, Gale. Come on in, sit down. You know Ed McCaskey. J.C. I'll call you back, all right? You want some iced tea? Yeah, please. There you go. I'll tell you what we wanted to talk to you about. Well, I'm an old-timer in a lot of ways. At least that's what some people keep telling me. But I don't think it's all that common for a man of my age to be used to the way things are. To be comfortable with things. What it comes down to is that J.C. Had a notion here and Ed seems to think it's a good idea. And I guess we are due for some changes around here. You want me to play flanker, not running back. No, no, no. It's not that simple, Gale. J.C.'s idea, and yes, I did agree with him 'cause that this is 1965. We'd like the Bears to room together according to position without any regard to race. So we'd like you and Brian Piccolo to room together. That's all? That's what this is about? Is that all? Yeah! You had me worried. I thought it was something really... This is something "really" A white man and a black man rooming together hasn't been done before. You're gonna be called a "Tom" by some blacks and "uppity nigger" by some whites. When we go on the road, I'm talking about Atlanta Houston, Miami, New Orleans it ain't gonna be no better in Detroit, Minnesota or San Francisco or any other town. You're gonna rock the boat, and people out there are already seasick. What J.C. Is saying is that there may be some pressures. Severe ones. What do you say? You and me are rooming together. - Says who? - Who else? That's terrific. It's a shame he couldn't ask me how I feel, isn't it? You want me out? I don't want you out, stay. I guess I'm just steamed at the old man for not putting me in the scrimmage today. Is that your wife? She's pretty. So is yours, and the little girl. Thanks. Supposed to call her tonight tell her how I'm going. That might be the shortest phone call in history. Maybe not. Pic they wouldn't room us together unless we both made the team. That's right. - Let's go call our wives. - Wait a minute, I just called! - Come on, man! - Out you go. Congratulations on making the team, gentlemen. Well done. Coach Halas kind of frowns on the hazing of new men. But now that you've made the team, it's like you're one of us. Welcome to the Chicago Bears! Pass from Concannon to Sayers, complete for a touchdown for the Bears. Is playing in the NFL any easier than you thought it'd be? My first game. Not exactly an expert. J.C. Says he hasn't seen anyone carry the ball for the Bears like that since Willie Galimore. The blocks were there. That's not what you said last night. You called the offensive line the "seven blocks of Silly Putty." You're Brian Piccolo. Yes, sir, that's right. Piccolo. P-l-C-C-O-L-O. You two are the only black and white player rooming together on the team. Any problems so far? Not as long as he doesn't use the bathroom. Pic! Hey, Gale, when you run do you think about what you're doing, or you just do it? I just do it. Start thinking about it, will you? I want to play some too. I save it. Anyway, so... Concannon calls this trap play. You know what a trap play is? I think so. A trap play is when all the linemen go one way and hopefully, the defense goes the same way. If they do it's a big hole. If they don't, it's bad news. Anyway, Concannon calls this trap play and it's beautiful. 43 yards, wasn't it? And Halas sees he's tired and sends me in. I go in and he comes out. Concannon then figures he's gonna get foxy. You know, Concannon is... Well, he says, "Same play." Very same play. Trap play is also called a "sucker play" because it makes the defense look bad when it works. And defenses do not like to look real bad. Makes them kind of surly. All the linemen go this way and it's like I'm looking at a team portrait of the Los Angeles Rams. Hey, Deacon? Merlin? How's the family, Rosey? I was afraid to get up, that not everything would come with me. You've never seen anyone so black-and-blue in your life! It's like I'm rooming with a colored player again. Gale told a joke. The stone-face from Kansas speaks. All right! Hey, Chicago! Chicago! Sayers speaks! He speaks! Hey, Black Magic? Listen to this letter I got. "You must have been raised with pigs to room with one of those darkies. You must not have been taught anything when you were a boy. You must have crawled out from under some slimy rock." Is that all? Except the usual: "Love, Mother." Magic. - I'm gonna write you a speech. - What kind of speech? An acceptance speech for Rookie of the Year. You can't miss. I gotta give a speech? No way. The man we're honoring tonight was a two-time All-American. He was the top draft choice of the Chicago Bears of 1965 and three times, during the season, he gained 100 or more yards. Perhaps his best individual performance... All right, go ahead. From the top. I want to thank you all for this honor but I really think it's not right to give it to one man. Football is a team sport and... Start from the top. Look up. Gale Sayers. I'd like to thank you all for this honor though it's not really right... Thank you. Who'd believe it? I mean, who would ever believe it? Dumb. All right, let's go. On the line: Davis, Turner. Ready set, go! Spinny, Lyle! Ready set, go! O'Bradovich, Caroline! Hey, Abe. Since when does a lineman have to race a halfback? - Race against the clock, not me. - I still ought to have a handicap. You said the defensive backfield was your handicap all last year, O.B. Shut up, Pic. You're still a rookie to me. Cut it out. Pic, get back in line. Ready, set... - Did you just get in? - Yeah. I would have been in earlier, but my plane got fogged in in Detroit. You're in good shape. Worked hard all winter. Did you talk to Linda? No, why? I thought you heard. Joy's expecting again. That's great. If it's a boy, we'd like to name it after you. - No kidding. - Got a real nice ring to it. Spade Piccolo. Last season is history. You're gonna run and hit and hurt and run some more. All right, let's go. 42-trap, Piccolo up. Brian, that's the way to go! See, Sayers, that's why you'll never make it. Pizza has magical properties that give Italians a lot of strength and speed. A lot of great Italian running backs... That's right, there are. There's Leroy Kellian, Lenny Moorinelli. - Hey, J.C. - Hey, babe. Is that Sunday's lineup? - What's the backfield? - Concannon, Ralph Kurek and you. Well, come on, Magic. Pizza's gonna get cold. Play pass, be alive! Be alive! Everybody, get it in. Come on, let's go there. You got him. You got him now! Bears' ball. First and 10 on the San Francisco 42-yard line. Come on, Bobby, let's go! All right, let's go, Bobby! Let's go! Yours, Gale. 28-toss. On three. That's good. Come on. - Let me help you. - No. - It's just so good to have you home. - Yeah, it's good to be home. Can I get you anything? Nope. I'm fine. It's almost lunchtime. Would you like a sandwich? I'm not hungry. You go ahead. I left the kids at Joy's, so I'd better go pick them up. - Will you be all right? - Yeah. You sure? Yes, I'm sure. Her sons, they are many Unrivaled by any With hearts o'erflowing They will sing a hymn Rah! Rah! Wake Forest, rah! Old alma mater's sons we are... Is that you, Magic? Yes, it is. Thought you'd never get here. - What are you doing here? - That is not a bad act. But "Peg Leg" Bates does it better. What is that thing supposed to be? That's not supposed to be anything than what it is which is a leg-lift machine. - Well, what for? - What for? Getting that knee back in shape won't be a take-it-easy proposition. If you're afraid, I mean, that's understandable. I'm not afraid. You ought to be afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm just tired of being bugged by reporters, Linda, you! You know, you are a real charmer. An absolute saint. Maybe you think it's friendly... You can stick that in your ditty bag too, you dumb jackass. You know, Gale when I was in high school I was one of the best backs in the state. Unfortunately for me the best back in the state, Tucker Frederickson went to the same school. The colleges used to come down and watch us play. Old Tuck, he wound up at Auburn and I wound up at Wake Forest. Good school. Nice place but not exactly center ring, you understand? I worked my tail off at Forest. In my senior year I led the nation in rushing and scoring. I mean, I led the entire nation. So I go look for a pro team, and I pick the Bears. Now who else comes to the Bears? Mr. Sayers. Big gun from a big school. I'm number two all over again. Well, old buddy I'm number one guy now but for all the wrong reasons. Unless you come back 100 percent people are gonna say: "Piccolo got in on a pass. Lucky break." I don't want it like that. I'm gonna whip you, Sayers. But you gotta be at your best, or it won't mean a thing. You're not gonna be one second slower or one degree weaker. I am gonna work your tail off to get that leg back in shape for my sake. You got that? Now for sports. In Los Angeles, the Chicago Bears trimmed the Rams by a score of 17-16. Quarterback Jack Concannon was 8 for 14 passing and the running game was ably manned by Brian Piccolo who gained 105 yards in 14 carries. Piccolo was awarded the game ball. Also on the West Coast, the San Francisco 49ers... - Hello? - Dr. Fox? This is Brian Piccolo. - How's he doing? - Pretty well, Brian, I think. Though it's boring going through those exercises by yourself. It's drudgery and it's painful. A lot of people give up when they're alone in that situation. Four. That's good, babe. Five. No way. Now don't bone me, man, come on. Hang tough. Five more and that's it for the night. Five more. Come on, get tough. That's six. Seven. Get it up. Eight. No way. No way. - I can't. - Can't make it? Nigger. Chicken nigger. Pic, don't make me laugh, please! "I know what I'll do. I'll call Gale a nigger and he'll do all them reps. He'll be so mad." It's too much! Nigger, nigger! Lay off. What am I supposed to do, call you a wop? Now that would make me mad. What are you guys doing? You wouldn't believe it, baby but Brian tried to call me a nigger! First man to the stand for a beer? - All right? - You're on. I think I owe you a beer. I think I owe you a lot more than that. Two beers, please. You're healthy. You think training camp is some kind of a country club? Is that what you think? Because no man's assured of a job around here. And if you think you are, you've got another thing coming. Get them up! Get them up! Get them up! Come on, Pic. Come on, Pic. Get them up. Come on, Billy, lift them up. Come in. - Hey, Brian. - Oh, hello, coach. - Mind if I come in? - Oh, no, not at all. Gale, how's the knee? Fine. Real strong. Excuse me, coach, if you want to talk to Gale here, I'll just... No, actually I want to talk to the both of you. Well, how things look this year, coach? Good. Real good. Matter of fact, there's one boy I'm very impressed with. I wouldn't be surprised to see him replace you as number two halfback. Because I'm gonna make you number one fullback. Hey, Pic! You and me, starting backfield. What do you say? Coach, I didn't think it was possible but you finally found a way to shut him up. Touchdown, Piccolo. Sixty yards and a touchdown for Gale Sayers. - Hey, Pic? - Yo. You know you got a 4.3 rushing average? No, but hum a few bars, and I'll see if I can fake it. Oh, Pic! Touchdown, Piccolo. Two hundred and forty-one. Holloway. Holloway: 251. - Piccolo. - Big Abe. Scrimmage gonna teach us new trick plays? Only trick I'd give you is how to keep meat on. You're down another pound. What's there is all choice. 2061/4. Skinniest fullback in the league. What's the matter with you? You sweat all the fat off of us then complain we're too thin. You're hard to please. Get out of here. Sayers. Tell your Italian buddy to load up on the pasta. Maybe he wants to be quicker. Ten pounds lighter. A half a second slower in a 40-yard sprint. It ain't working. Come on, Brian, hit that hole! Hit it! What's wrong with you, Piccolo? Listen, Gale, is he really hurting? He's gotta move. He's not hitting! Come on, baby, we gotta get it! Come on, baby, come on! - Nice block. - Thanks. There must be 90 million pounds of pollen in the air. You ought to get Dr. Fox to give you something for that hay fever. He did. The only thing I'm allergic to is Nitschke. Come on, stick it in their ear! Good game. Looking at you I'd never know we won the game. I don't feel very much like a winner about now. Why not? Gale, I'm sending Brian Piccolo back to Chicago. He's not gonna finish the road trip with us. Ralph Kurek's gonna start next week. But why? Because I've always had a policy on this team from the start. Best players play. No exceptions. Right now, Kurek's the best player. A lot of guys take a while to get started. And Piccolo's never been one of those guys. He's always been in shape. Willing to give 100%. He's not doing that anymore, and that's what worries me. I don't know what it is. Could be something physical or it might be an emotional disturbance. Something with his wife, children...? Pic? Come on! Something's taken the edge off him. And I gotta find out what that something is. For his sake, as well as the team's. - When's he gonna find out? - Abe's telling him now. That's why I didn't want you to go back to the hotel right away. I wouldn't wanna be in Abe's shoes right now. I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes in 10 minutes. Who'd believe it? I mean, really, who'd believe it? - Halas wants you to see the doctor. - Halas don't know what he wants. Gibron's his boy. You should have heard that lecture. Wants me to patch things up with Joy. I say, "Things are fine with me and Joy." He just smiles that Father Flanagan smile of his and says I shouldn't be afraid to level with him. Dear Abby in a jockstrap. Pic, be fair. Dr. Fox says that... Don't give me no crud about our great doctor. Wants me to get a physical for the cough. No allergy. "What is it?" I say. He says: "Well, it could be a virus. Could be a staph infection or any one of a thousand things." Like being treated in a damn Chinese restaurant. Two from Column A, three from Column B. He's just trying to help. I guess you're right. It's all so pointless, Gale. I mean, I know perfectly well what's wrong with me. I think I'm pregnant. Coach, which end of the field you want me to take if we lose the toss? Come in, Gale. Close the door. We just got a call from the hospital. Brian Piccolo has cancer. Oh, God. They've scheduled an operation for tomorrow morning. An operation to do what? They're gonna have to remove part of Brian's right lung. The doctors have no explanation. It's something that Brian carried around inside him all his life. What kicked it off? They don't know. Whether or not they got it in time I'm afraid they don't know that either. Who's gonna tell them? I'll tell them. No. I'll tell them. You, Gale? That's right, me. I'll tell them. Let's go. May I have your attention a minute, fellas? Come on over here. Gale has something he wants to say to you. You all know that we hand out a game ball to the outstanding player. Well, I'd like to change that. We just got word that Brian Piccolo is sick, very sick. And it looks like he might never play football again. Or for a long time. I think we should dedicate ourselves to give our maximum effort to win this game and give the game ball to Pic. We can all sign it and take it up to the hos... Oh, my God. Fantastic! Could you believe it? Sayers, I mean, you've got some moves on the field, but in a locker room you are one big klutz. Now listen to me. Listen now. When you dedicate a game to someone you are then supposed to go out and win it, idiot. Pat O'Brien never said, "Let's blow one for the Gipper." Man, you are so bad. We would have won if Concannon called that trap play but he hates to call it without you in there for the repeat. - Here, Gale. - Thank you. Beats ham hocks, don't it? Anybody wanna see my scar? - Out! - What's matter? Out, now! No discussion, out. We just got here! See you later, guys. Thanks for coming. - You just gonna lay there? - J.C., hang on to this, will you? Later, Pic. Take Gale down and have him give that little girl his autograph. A little girl I met the day I came in had her operation the same day I did. Told her I'd give her your autograph. You don't mind, do you? No problem. I'll be glad to. All right. Take off. - It's time now, Mrs. Piccolo. - Thank you. I'll be right back. Won't you? May I help you? My name is Mrs. Piccolo. My husband's a patient on the third floor and he told me about a little girl, Patti Lucas who wanted this gentleman's autograph. Mrs. Piccolo, Patti isn't with us anymore. - Do you have a home address? - Mrs. Piccolo, Patti... My husband wanted her to have the autograph very much. Come on. Mrs. Piccolo, Patti's dead. She passed away early this morning. Nothing wrong with that knee, I tell you. Congratulations, Dr. Piccolo. Do you know what, Joy? I've been thinking. What with Gale healthy, and Ralph Kurek healthy I'm gonna have a tough time getting back in that lineup next year. So I was thinking what's so difficult about being a kicker? I just wonder if it's something you can teach yourself. Because you don't need a great amount of wind or stamina or size. What do you think of my brainstorm, old Gloomy Gus? Well, I don't know, Brian. Not us, Señor Armendariz. Not us. Yes, you. Some of my men asked questions in the town where you arrived a few days ago. I am satisfied that you are the ones. So, we can wait until my man regains consciousness, or you can tell me now where you have hidden the sculpture. Well then, I guess we're just gonna have to wait, 'cause we didn't steal it. We still didn't steal it. (GRUNTS) Now, what have you done with the sculpture? (EXCLAIMS) We heard about that bust. Heard it didn't belong to you. Oh? Well, perhaps I'm using the wrong tactics. That bust belongs to me. You know, we might be able to help you if we really believed that. Oh, it is quite true. You know, seven years ago, the river, as it sometimes will, change course, and left 70,000 acres of my ranch on the American side. Señor McCreedy took legal claim on the land, as I expected. When the river changed again, I would get it back. But... Señor McCreedy took a very peculiar action. He sold the land. He sold it to one of my own countrymen, as I learned last year when the river changed course again. I had to pay $50,000 to gain possession of my land again. So I... I took Señor McCreedy's bust to balance the scales a little. It has become one of my most valued possessions. And I want to know what you have done with it. Could I talk to my friend? Alone? Oh, certainly. (SPEAKING SPANISH) He knows what we did with the bust. He's got to. Even if he doesn't, what do we owe McCreedy? He did his best to steal the money he paid us. We got it back again. Yeah. But Armendariz knows what we did with the bust. Then why is he asking? I don't know. I vote we tell him. I vote we tell him if he lets us go. If he lets us go immediately. Señor! We might be able to help you out. If you can lend us a pair of horses. Why should I bargain with you, who came here, broke into my house, opened my safe and stole one of my most prized possessions? Why should we help you if you don't bargain with us? Would you Iike me to demonstrate why? No! No, I've had that demonstration, thank you. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Do you understand Spanish, gentlemen? No. But I understand that. We stole the bust. McCreedy hired us, we gave it to him. And what has he done with it? I don't know. We've been at his ranch. He hasn't got it there. Thank you, gentlemen. (SPEAKING SPANISH) I am going to lend you two horses and let you go free. Do you know why? Because we told the truth? No. That would not have saved you. Because you opened my safe and took nothing but the object you thought belonged to the man who hired you. If it were not for that, you would both be spending the rest of your lives in a Mexican prison. McCREEDY: Hey, good morning, boys. Oh, Mr. McCreedy. Hold up there a minute. Well... You weren't planning on leaving, were you? Yes, sir. We are planning on leaving, Mr. McCreedy. We thought it over... I Iike poker. I'm even good at it, but... Well, sitting down playing poker with you and your friends, that's just plain gambling. We got $10,000 apiece and we're gonna hold on to it like our lives depended on it. You boys owe me another shot. VVhy? We're even. You said so yourself. Sure, but you owe me another shot. Who ever heard of a poker game ending in atie? Well, you just played one that did. Hey! You boys ain't leaving today. Now, just step over here so we can talk. I don't know who you boys are, but I never saw anybody handle a gun like you do. And I got a suspicion that you're the one that opened Armendariz's safe without so much as a fire cracker. So, now you either play poker with me next Saturday, or I tell that man up there, that driver, "Just hold it, and I'II go talk to the Sheriff." 'Cause I got a notion he's got a nice description of you two buried somewhere in his files. Big Mac, you wouldn't do athing like that. No? Just set a foot in that stagecoach and watch me. Hey, you fellows coming aboard? No, I don't guess so. Have a nice trip. Giddap! Well, boys, before we get started, I got something to show you. A surprise. A surprise? Pat, you got it back. Hey, how'd you get it, Pat? (ALL LAUGHING) Did you buy it back? I got it back the same way that Armendariz got it. Well, howdy, boys. Sorry, I couldn't wait. But... But what's the difference? You're leaving tomorrow. There's no stage tomorrow, Mr. McCreedy. Well, the day after. Let's get on with the game. Time's getting late. Pat, we got nine players here. Which one of us is gonna sit out, huh? Nine? Well, I'll be... We usually have two extras, but some ofthe boys don't show up. I guess we got a problem here. No, no, you don't. We'll leave. We don't really care about playing tonight anyway. Oh, but I do. I'II sit out, Pat. Yes... No, no. Hold on. I got a better idea. You like to make large, quick bets. I got one for you. Now, you shuffle the deck real good and lay it on the table. And I'II bet you the whole bundle, $20,000, that I can cut the ace of spades on the first try. Would you pass up a bet like that? Not with a straight deck I wouldn't. Use any deck you Iike. Your own, if you brought one. No, no, no. I'd take you at your word, Mr. McCreedy. I believe you, I mean... If you say that's a straight deck, I'd stake my Iife on it that that's a straight deck. Here, take my seat. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Once more. I cut the ace of spades in one try. Right? Right. There you are, Mr. Smith. I cut the ace of spades on the first try. No, you didn't, Mr. McCreedy. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Sit down. Tie them. Señor Armendariz. Hiya. I am a believer in omens, Señor McCreedy. There is precisely $40,000 here, and the bust is worth $10,000. (SPEAKING SPANISH) We are now truly even, for the first time. (SPEAKING SPANISH) And... Do not send any more men to my rancho, Señor. I hope you understand exactly what I mean by that. Gentlemen. McCREEDY: (STAMMERING) AII right! AII right! I'II make it $30,000, and no strings attached, hmm? What do you say, boys? $35,000, hmm? $40,000? Boys, you need the money. Well, you know what that Armendariz is gonna be saying down there. What with the Caesar's bust to prove it. Now, God damn it! CURRY: Well, he seemed like a pretty honest man to me. And when he said we knew what he meant, well, I knew what he meant. Didn't you, Mr. Smith? Yes, sir, Mr. Jones. I know exactly what he meant. I believed him, too. Now, boys, you're gonna do this for me. If you don't do this, I'II go talk to the Sheriff. That won't work. 'Cause all we do is take the job, Mr. McCreedy. Once we cross the river, we'd vanish. (MARSHALLING) $50,000! Did I hear him say $50,000? Yep. You heard him say $50,000. That's what I thought I heard him say. God damn it, don't you hear me? $50,000! Mr. McCreedy! Mr. McCreedy! Are those two fellows you were dealing with on that coach? Yeah. Well, I've got to stop them. I think I know who they are. I think that's Kid Curry and Hannibal Heyes. You got any pictures ofthem boys, Sheriff? Ain't nobody got any pictures. But I got these description ofthem on these flyers. No, no, Sheriff, you're wrong. L'm right! No, you're wrong. Well, how do you know? Well, Sheriff, Iwasn't going to tell you, but... That one with the curly hair, you know, Thaddeus Jones, he's my nephew. Nephew? Yeah. Fine lad. Smith, too. Fine boy. Sheriff, what do you think the odds are against making five pat hands out of 25 cards just dealt at random out of a shuffled deck? Twenty-five cards... Yeah, 25 cards... (BOTH CHATTERING) Go Thank you for your help We are all people of Song so you need not thank us I am Ma Qing Ting, this is Jin Liang This is Xiang Du Bu We are also unwilling to be slaves of the Tartars that's why we are seeking men with this common cause That's great, I am Hao Da Hu That is my sister Yu Gu These are our brothers If you wouldn't mind I hope you could lead us Okay Brother What's the matter? Brother, meal time Alright Brother Xiang, marvelous archery skills Brother Jin, your turn Let's go Your light technique commands great respect Your hurricane powers are invincible could you demonstrate for us? It's nothing really, if you wouldn't tease me I'll humbly accept It's really great Could you break these arrows? Unity is strength Take us three for instance we have our strengths and weaknesses and it's difficult to prevail just with us three You mean... Presently the country is dominated by Tartars the Song people are rebelling against them As long as we three have the same goal we could do great things If you wouldn't mind let's become blood brothers live and die amidst blessings and adversities Great, I had a similar idea, how about you? I would be honoured Then let's do it Let's do it this way we'll have the ritual the day the fortress is completed Deal Good "Righteousness Hall" I, Ma Qing Ting I, Xiang Du Bu I, Jin Liang share a common cause and would be brothers in fortune and in adversity Cruel death may befall the one to violate the oath! Why are you in our way? It's late, why don't you rest? Our master has died in a foreign land under the orders of our lady We need to carry the body back home Please excuse us for any inconvenience caused and let us pass You old fox did you think you could fool us? Our Tien Di clan has no quarrel against your clan Why do you do such a thing? Whatever is in the coffin it's all ill-gotten gains Since you are passing our territory it's only right we have a share of that Come and get it if you are capable "Flying Dragon Fortress" The chief is back... The chief is back... Brother, you're back A bit more late and I'm afraid you'd die of nervousness Brother You must have had a hard time I've ordered a feast for the men Have a few drinks first I have things to discuss with you Men, thank you for your hard work A toast to you all Cheers... Brother, didn't you say you have things to discuss with me? Later Come, let's toast to our three chiefs Cheers Come on, let's drink Remember when we took the vow it was with the same determination to expel the Tartars and restore Song But the Tartars are well established and the people are suffering where have our righteous principles gone? Big Brother, what should we do? If we could penetrate the Tartars' court and liaise with other heroes we should be able to overthrow them Even if we fail we would have done our duty You plan to give up our stronghold? For a heavenly cause we must march into hell if need be We have been opposing the regime they are only too eager to destroy us how could we sneak into their court? Princess Shabeilan was kidnapped by Hong Zhang Feng Prince Shaluweimu has recruited many heroes Whoever frees the princess would be hired by the court regardless of whether he is a Tartar or a Han This is our chance to score good points Hong Zhang Feng and you are old friends aren't you concerned about rumours? Precisely because we have had a good friendship that I should reason with him so as not to be rash Brother, your perspicacity is beyond us Hong Zhang Feng sent a letter today because Prince Shaluweimu's notice says there are many heroes heading for Fort Feng Lei to save the princess So Hong Zhang Feng wishes us to provide help Guess we'll use this opportunity to ask him to release the princess and offer allegiance to the Yuen regime Brother, do you think Hong Zhang Feng would agree to our recommendation? If you follow my plan it can't go wrong Let's depart tomorrow then I am deeply indebted to you three for your help You are too kind With your help we could fight with Prince Shaluweimu's men and see who is better We Hans are not easily bullied I think the reason you've abducted the princess is because you hate the Tartars oppressing the people and intend to use this as a revenge But you are no match to fight against Prince Shaluweimu lt's like banging your head against a stone wall In my humble opinion you should send the princess back and use the opportunity to penetrate the regime I invited you to help me if you don't want to do it, it's fine, please leave I think it's not that easy Ma Qing Ting You are a petty ingrate Attack Take me to the princess, move Yes Fear not I am here to save you Let's go Brothers, I'll escort the princess to the capital Go and disburse our men at the stronghold and wait for my good news Take care Brother, are we really going to disband? Where is brother Jin? Brother, what would we do without the stronghold? I don't know...oh, what a nuisance! Brother Jin, please sit Thanks Brother Jin, have some tea Yu Gu, didn't madam Zhang want you for something? This is... We get along with each other To live in fear cannot be a long-term way of life Take this opportunity and take Yu Gu back to Feng Yang and start a small business and live peacefully Here's some money to start you off How could I accept this? Consider it a loan Pay me back when you settle down well When I have time I'll visit you at Feng Yang City Third chief, let's establish another stronghold No, you should think of Yu Gu If she spends her life in the stronghold it'd interfere with her future We'll have many more days in future to meet Pack up and take Yu Gu back home Brother Jin I made this myself hope you'll carry it with you always Take care Congratulations... His Majesty has accepted my recommendation to make you a general I will never forget your support for my promotion Arise The Court has chosen to overlook your past and value your services. Don't waste this opportunity and do your best Yes... But Flying Dragon Fortress robbed the government many a time and opposed the court If you could help to destroy them it would do your career a lot of good Earlier on I was compelled to join them against my will Now I realise I should be on the right side and turn over a new leaf It's a piece of cake to destroy them I will catch Xiang Du Bu and Jin Liang who are the leaders of the gang Great, I leave this with you then Right on If brother Ma hadn't written, urging us to hasten to be on our way, I wouldn't travel in this heat You long for the letter each day and hope to start earlier; Now you complain of the heat Oh, it's just a casual remark Did you hear any noise? Maybe a woman is in mourning, let's go we still have a long journey Help... Stop You too must be tired of living to meddle with me Help Help Help me... Stop crying, get up... We'll save you for sure What's your name? My maiden name is Shum, my husband's name is Huang My husband has long died I am headed back home for a funeral little expecting that I'd run into robbers They robbed me, and wanted to... Where's your husband's home? I'll take you there My husband's parents have died a butler was living with me Now he is dead too and I am all alone What should I do? Hero, you must have a home I could be your servant I only hope not to bump into bad guys again I could serve you for the rest of your life just give me a place to stay that's all I ask I... Please, take me in I'll work hard I will not be a problem to you I didn't mean that, let's do it this way Come along with us when we reach the city, we'll make arrangements for you Thank you Arise This is my brother Jin Liang This is Miss Shum I am Xiang Du Bu Can you ride? Sorry you might have to bear some discomfort Welcome looking for lodgings? Inside please. Hey, serve the guests Yes Inside please Wait Please Please follow me Could you please help me get some clothes for the lady? Right, I'll send someone Sir, inside please See you later I'll stay with brother Jin in that room Thanks This room, please... Have you eaten? Sirs Get us some water first to freshen up Yes... Come in Madam, your clothes Anything else? Tell them to bring food to my room Yes They say beautiful women suffer in their lives Just look at Miss Shum; had she not run into us what would become of her? When we reach Feng Yang city, she'll be alone, that'll be a problem Come in Gentlemen The lady travelling along with you invites you for a drink Alright, we'll be right over Yes... She's so kind, let's go I don't feel well, I want to lie down for a while You go ahead It's embarrassing just her and me Let's go together You can leave at any time I was afraid you wouldn't come, please sit You needn't be so kind You two saved my life the food is only a small token of my thanks Here, let me raise you a toast Hero Jin, why aren't you drinking? He isn't feeling well Have some food So you are going to Feng Yang City? I have a sworn brother who has just been made a general He has sent for us to become officials You two will have great accomplishments Come on Let me toast to you again Pardon me, I'll retire first; you carry on My brother is temperamental please excuse him Oh, come on! Why would I mind you are the heroes I admire You are so understanding Here, let me propose one more toast Come on It's late, I ought to go back I have yet another favour to ask As you see, I am all alone and reaching Feng Yang city means a dead end for me If you don't take me in I might as well die I'd have to discuss this with third brother This is your own affair, why discuss with someone else? You must dislike me for I am a widow I didn't mean that at all Marriage is a serious matter We should do it properly and discuss this when we arrive at Feng Yang City Do you agree? As long as you take me in details are trivial matters Come, let's toast as a deal You've already had a lot No, this engagement toast is a must Come on Cheers Another toast Oh, I've had enough I told you not to drink yet you wouldn't listen I am too happy Waiters, take this in There will be a wedding here take this in and tidy up Make the place presentable Yes... Good morning Good morning Congratulations What do you think of her? It's good to have a family Come and drink and have a good time Come, let me congratulate you too I wish you many happy years to grow old together I wish you a son next year, cheers... A toast to you both Your 2nd brother is an honest man and I am a simple woman Please do care for us hereon You are too kind It's on the house Come, please... "Feng Yang City" Brother, that looks like brother Jin Stop If it's really him He'll look for us for sure "General's residence" What are you doing? Please announce Xiang Du Bu and Jin Liang to see general Ma Please wait Tired? I'm okay If big brother knew we were here he'll come and fetch us himself How grand! But of course The general invites you Please wait The general You have arrived at long last She is my wife, please greet big brother Big brother Good Don't stand on ceremony Congratulations Officer Xiao, prepare a feast to welcome our guests Yes Stay in our court and tell assistant Shek if you need anything Take them to their room first Yes We'll talk later Thank you, brother Thank you Please Brother Ma is too attentive Please thank him for us The general has instructed us If you need anything please tell us It's great Please thank the general for us Yes If there's nothing else, I'll retire Thank you I have my own clothes Please take this back and on my behalf thank the general for his kindness This is from the general so please accept it or we might be punished Alright then Thank you Come...a toast Brother Jin Are you dissatisfied with the clothes I sent? Thank you for your thoughtfulness we are already imposing on you we don't dare cause you further inconvenience Oh please, no formalities since we're brothers You should be punished for treating brother as an outsider As a penalty, you have to drink Okay Please forgive me for what I said Forget it, we are brothers. Cheers Big brother, what arrangements have you planned for us? Well. Stay here first and I'll make arrangements for you Thank you You're welcome Were I not new it would be easy to make recommendations Now you would have to wait a while If it's too much trouble don't force yourself Brother Jin, what's with you today? You seem to be beating around the bush Stay here and be patient wealth and status will soon follow Do you agree, sister-in-law? Yes, you are right Du Bu, Yi Xia I missed your wedding toast I will now propose one to you both Thank you Haven't you brought your wife? I am not that lucky as Du Bu You make fun of me Brother Jin, I am a direct person so please don't mind me Speak your mind Ever since chief has been made a general, not only has he not been sympathetic to peoples' suffering they have not dared to utter their grievances You are his sworn brother why don't you talk to him? Really? We Hans have been bullied by the Tartars I'll kill them one of these days to give vent to my anger Right...hero, the lunch is ready Look, this girl is getting naughtier At times I wonder who'd be willing to marry her! None of your business Brother Jin, come on Come Rest a while, I'll inform big brother and get a doctor to look at you Yi Xia, thank you Where's third brother? Who knows! He's been missing all day He's also been behaving quite strangely Alright, stop talking and sleep I'll be back in a while Who is it? It's me, Yi Xia Anything wrong? Come in Sorry to bother you You're most welcome Drop in any time Du Bu is not well and needs a doctor I'll get one at once Take a seat and have some tea Brother Ma Why don't you settle down as well? I am not that lucky as Du Bu If we're seen it would be so embarrassing Don't worry, nobody comes in without my orders I liked you at the first sight Second brother Well? You didn't come back yesterday Where are you these days? How come I haven't seen you? I was at Da Hu's Where's sister-in-law? She's making medicine for me I have heard a lot of gossip about big brother these days In regard to what? Big brother's here You're here too Big brother Brother Xiang, feeling better? I have been busy so couldn't come to see you Sorry about that Sorry to have bothered you Don't mention it, rest well Well, I didn't see you for a while What have you been busy with? Um, just roaming around I have something to ask you Hope you wouldn't mind We're brothers, go ahead Do you still remember why you offered allegiance to the Yuen regime? I have not forgotten my responsibility for a day Then why are the people complaining about you? Third brother You wouldn't understand The common folks are obstinate and short sighted Why do I increase tax and build the training ground and make an effort to train the army myself? Would they understand my good intentions? Right How could you believe hear-say from outside? However, I am sorry about recommendations on you both I know it's been a long time, but trust me, I've been even more anxious than you However, one can't be too hasty with the court affairs and maintain patience all along Big brother, when we dissolved the stronghold we wanted the people to have a better life and not to acquire wealth and status for ourselves... Brother Jin, I can't believe you saying that General An emissary from Prince Shaluweimu has come to see you Brother Xiang, have some rest. I'll be seeing you Sure Third brother, you are always this impatient I am not very interested in being an official Let's talk later What happened? Nothing Third brother almost quarrelled with big brother Brother Jin is indeed acting a bit eccentric Never mind him, take your medicine The emperor has decreed you should destroy the Flying Dragon Fortress in 3 days and arrest Xiang Du Bu and Jin Liang I hope you will give priority to your career and not be soft-hearted His Royal Highness hopes you will close the case soon Please inform him I will do my best and not to worry at all Good, farewell then Why don't you stay a few more days? Thank you but I have other errands to run Farewell then Please escort our guest out Yes Please give my regards to His Royal Highness Yes Please Sir... our family of five needs this land to survive If you confiscate it we will starve to death I beg you This is the general's order who dares to oppose it? Sir, I beg you I beg of you Have mercy on us, sir Tear it down No, you can't, please Wait Master Jin What's the matter? General has this land earmarked for military training others have given up their land but they have persisted in holding on to it My lord, our ancestors have been buried here where could we go? This is an order and must be obeyed Wait Chief Xiao, do me a favour today and allow them a few more days I'll bear the responsibility This... So? Alright, you explain to the general But of course If in three days we come again and you're not yet gone we'll show no mercy. Let's go Thank you, sir Arise...no need to thank me Go and find another place to settle down quickly Yes This... Take it Thank you... How dare he meddle with my affairs! Step down Yes He dares oppose me Little did I expect him to be an officer of Yuen regime and act as ruthless as the Tartars! I told you so and you didn't believe me Brother Jin I think you ought to stop siding with Ma Qing Ting's sweet talk and convince second chief to leave immediately My brother's like that never stops talking once he's drunk What would you know? Brother Jin, I have kept the silver you gave me I must sort out this matter with him Brother Jin, don't be stubborn Sooner or later he'll find out about us Think he suspects something? I am worried about that Jin Liang, not him He seems very sneaky You can't tell what he's got in his mind I worry that he... We are sworn brothers, why worry? I should return, or he'll suspect us 2nd brother, I did a lot of thinking Since we have forsaken our old ways to become lawful citizens why stay here? You are always so impatient Big brother raised this matter with me last night in fact he has his reasons In that case why put him in a difficult position? We could leave here, change our names and live in peace, wouldn't that be good? Even if I were convinced there's still big brother and your sister-in-law How could I answer to them? 2nd brother, if I told you something could you remain calm? What is it? When I returned last night I saw sister-in-law sneak out from big brother's room there was no light in his room Really? Now you understand we should not stay here anymore Guess you should keep a low profile for the time being Let's pack up and leave tonight Don't feel bad A real man should not have a problem finding a wife Such a promiscuous woman is not worth your love It's decided then Brother Jin, why are you avoiding me? I have business to attend to, see you You bitch, let me ask you What were you doing in big brother's room last night? What do you mean by this? I was with you last night That's a lie Someone saw you in big brother's room and even the lights were out, you slut You can't make unfounded attacks upon me Who saw me? Ask him out to testify in my presence It's the third brother Oh, your precious third brother again! Why hasn't he told you also that he accosted me in your absence For the sake of your brotherhood I dared not tell you this not expecting he'd himself accuse me first I don't want to live anymore What are you doing? Since not even the rivers would cleanse my name I'd sooner die right before your eyes At least I would be exonerated as a ghost Let me die In life or as a spirit, I only wish to be your woman You've unjustly accused me and I don't want to live Sorry, I was too rash and blamed you wrongly I apologise You only have your third brother in your heart Has it ever crossed your mind that Brother Ma is a person of high repute! Besides, he's also your sworn brother How could he have done such an immoral deed? Ever since I became your woman I have behaved virtuously But you...you are so gullible and threaten me While your third brother accosted me you dare not sort it out with him I didn't realise you could be such a person Second brother do you believe I am really such kind of a person? We're finished as of today You needn't pretend to be my true friend I know you clearly now Second brother Go if you like Inform Xiang Du Bu and Jin Liang I'm inviting them to dinner Yes Send the order that without my permission no one can leave here Yes Sir, Jin Liang is not in his room but he left a letter Let me see Yes "To brother Xiang" When there are evil folks around, it's best to leave See where you can go! This matter has dragged on and caused third brother to misunderstand, I'm sorry Prince Shaluweimu has sent a letter inviting you and third brother to the capital Since third brother has left in anger you should bring my letter and see His Royal Highness for further arrangements Thank you for your recommendation You're most welcome, it's my duty Big brother, I have one more favour to ask of you As long as it's within my power I'll do my best If I bring along Yi Xia to report for duty the journey to the capital might be a tad tough for her So I wish to leave her with you and pick her up later Would that be too much trouble for you? Not at all Damn, this bastard Ma Qing Ting I knew he's a bad character The way Second chief trusts him so much he's likely to end up in trouble I think 2nd brother would be harmed sooner or later I can't just stand by Definitely Ma would bear you a grudge leaving like this Going back now would be like walking into a trap They wouldn't dare to do anything yet in the light of second chief's kung fu Let's wait until 2nd chief has thought it out Hide up here these few days and don't venture out Sir, tea How much? Two cents Stop Big brother, how come you're here? To see you off Who asked you not to listen to third brother and now it's too late You... General Ma You truly live up to your reputation I salute you We've done our job so where's the silver you promised? Right, I'll give it to you Chop off Xiang Du Bu's head and hang it on the city wall Alright Accomplices will be treated the same way General Ma Qing Ting Brother... What did you say? General Ma has killed second chief and hung his head on the city gate Brother Jin, you can't go They've issued a warrant for you Brother Jin you'd rather not act impulsive Say, if they get hold of you now; Not only could you not avenge second chief but you would also be killed 2nd brother, I swear I'll avenge you Jin Liang knows Xiang Du Bu is killed and will surely come Be on the alert l have set many traps and once he comes he'll not get away We'll wait and let him take the bait Who is it? Chase Yes Chase Yes Split up and follow chase Yes Yu Gu, bring me the wine Yes Brother Jin, be patient Come Yes Open the door... Brother, go with Brother Jin quickly I'll handle it here Leave me, go, quick Open the door... Search Yes What are you doing? Where is Jin Liang hidden up? There's no one here by that name No one here, sir No one? What's this? Speak Bring her back The General She's tough and wouldn't talk even though we flog her Yu Gu? Wake her Yes Where's your brother? Dead Tell me where Jin Liang is and... I guarantee you'll live in riches the rest of your life Did you think all people are like you? What insolence! Bring her down Let's rest here Would Yu Gu be in danger? Stop worrying and rest I think she'd be able to handle it Help... Da Hu Brother Jin I think Yu Gu must have suffered a grim fate Brother Jin, ever since we've met you have always cared for us But we never had the chance to repay you We are even willing to die for you Don't talk like this It's payback time for Ma Qing Ting This blood debt must be repaid Rest here, I'll investigate in the city Such a small city and you couldn't even find two convicts I order you to bring them back in three days Yes Go on quickly We really haven't hidden any criminal I beg you Sir... Sir...have mercy Help Brother Jin, your wounds are still fresh you should rest I'll seek my revenge on Ma tonight Right Jin Liang see where you could run this time Da Hu, let's go Brother Jin, go quickly Go Search, quick... Check over there Chief Xiao We've searched everywhere but couldn't find anything "Tomb of Hao Yu Gu" "Tomb of Hao Da Hu" "Tomb of Brother Xiang" Second brother, Da Hu, Yu Gu I have perfected the Million Arrows Strike the Heart may your spirits aid me in my revenge Sir, I know where this person is Where? At... No, I'd rather tell the General face to face Our inspector-general is not at home What about general Ma? He has been promoted to inspector-general and has gone hunting "lnspector-general's residence" When will he be back? I don't know Go away What are you doing? What's the matter? Mercy... Sir, I know where Jin Liang is Step down Where? General Ma, recognise me? Hey! Hey! Hey! Monseigneur. Buenas tardes, amigos! The taxes are here Minister. Excises, tithes, spice tax, how much is it for this year? 200,000 ducats. But last year it was a lot more! - But last year the harvest was better. This year the harvest was not that good, so you have to pay double. Taxes. They're all for the King! Don Salluste, our people are very poor and... That's normal. The poor are poor and the rich are rich. Come on, come on... Hurry up! I have 3 more villages left to visit. Collect all that. Quickly. Where's the cheering? The enthusiasm? Long live Don Salluste. Long live Don Salluste. Long live our benefactor. Long live our benefactor. Long live our great friend. - Long live our great friend. Ole. - Ole. Ole. - Ole. That wasn't very... Never mind, never mind. You wouldn't think so, but that coach isn't very reliable. What? I'm saying that coach isn't very reliable. It's a real sieve. He's going to lose a lot... Blaze - Yes. So, if I were you... Go, go. Follow them. Follow the coach. All that is for the King. That's for me. That's for me. That's for me. That's for me. Hey, careful! Hey. Whoa! Careful! The spices. Who gets the spice tax? Is it for Salluste? No! It's for the King! Yes! No! Leave me in peace. And the tithes? Who gets them? The King? No, it's for Salluste. Thief! Not a thief! It's for Salluste, there! Look out! Wait, Monseigneur. I'll help you. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My ruff! I'll help you, Monseigneur. No! That's my gold! And my gold is my money. And I don't need you. Are you sure? What's happening? The villagers, monseigneur! They're cheering you on. Cheering me on? Yes. I should have taken three times more from them. Ha! Ha! - Kill him! Blaze! Blaze! Blaze! Help! Aaahhh! Blaze! Help. Help. Help. Stop. Stop. Stop now. Wait for me. Help me. Why did you get out? My dear Blaze. Ah! Take this. My hand. Help me, my dear Blaze. Hold tight, my dear Blaze. Don't let go. My dear Blaze. Blaze is such a good man. Thank you, my dear Blaze. They're not cheering me on. They're not cheering me on. They're not. Here! And here! And here! They were not cheering. They were not cheering. Here! The villains. You saw them! They almost... - Yes. That's what the masses are like. No, not there! Not there! There! There's not enough foam. Not enough hair either. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Don't move. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! There. And now, Blaze flatter me. Monseigneur is the greatest of the Spanish Grandees. That's not flattering, that's true. So? Idiot. What? "Idiot" is what I said to the servant of the Duke of Albes. No! No, my master is not... "... the result of a marriage between relatives. " "Have another look at him", he said to me. So I told him not to judge on appearances. Just because his mother married the half-brother of his aunt who was a first cousin of the sister of his father, who... who... Are you sure that's flattery? I was going to say something else, but I didn't dare. Oh, come on, speak. Yes! Monseigneur is... beautiful. Do you really mean that? Well, I'm flattering. Good night, your Majesty. Was ist das? The Queen. Ach! Sch�n... Vergissmeinnicht. Forget-me-nots. The Queen has an admirer. But that's worth a lot of money. But that's Blaze! There's the old lady. That's going to be interesting! A Queen of Spain does not accept flowers from anybody. Not even from the King! Aahh! Now the big gallows-bird starts singing. Hey, you up there! Blaze! Blaze, shut up. You'll wake up the entire palace. Niemals waren Liebesw�rter an mein Ohr. Warum? It's the Queen. She's from Bavaria. She's pretty but stupid. My young German heart in exile shivers at this serenade... Your Majesty. A Queen of Spain does not listen to music when the King is out hunting. Who goes hunting loses his place. Hey. Because I love the Queen. Me, a servant, I dare. Now he's stamping around. Hey, wait, you'll see. Blaze, my servant, in love with the Queen. He's crazy. He will be drawn and quartered. You'll see.... Come here, you. Come here, you. He's singing, he's dancing around. He's stamping his feet. Hey! That's enough... playing the gallant at 2 in the morning? Hey! Ho! Ah! Let go of that. Let go. It's gold. Golden sunrays of dawn. Wake up and smell the gold. Monseigneur. It's 8 o'clock. Gouchi, gouchi, gouchi. There's one missing. Are you sure? Very sure. Well, I'll be... Look under the bed. There it is. It's there. Look! Come on, look! What? - Look. You're too tall. You're my servant. You're too tall. Come on. This is what I want to see. This is what I want. This is good. Give me my breadsticks. Monseigneur seems to be in a good mood, this morning. In a good mood? No, I'm not. And you know very well why not. Why not? Why! ? Because yesterday, bom bom bom and tagada tagada! Gling gling gling and tarata taratata! Monseisei... Monseisei... Monseigneur! It's the... the... The what? The Queen! The Queen here, at this hour? Quick, my jerkin, my fleece, hurry. Remove this. Dress me. Dress me quickly. Yes, that's it. That's it. The little Infante, I've got her. I won't let her go. I didn't know Monseigneur and the Infante... The ruff. The ruff? Here's the ruff. - Blaze, you don't know what the Queen's going to announce. I will be the son-in-law of the King. That's remarkable... ...since they don't have any children. His niece, it's the same thing. The King only needs to have a hunting accident. Paf! Big cousin Leopold: Paf! Paf! The little Count of Anjou: Bang! Everybody... Lots of hunting accidents. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! And then.... I... King. - And also, we'll be spared the War of the Spanish Succession. Her Majesty, the Queen. - Quick, tidy up. Make way for the Queen. Ruhe! Ruhe, die Hunde! Ruhe! Sie haben meine Ehrendame entehrt. I... uhm... what? Was? Und die Unschuld eines jungen Deutschen M�dchens missbraucht! Ah! Danke sch�n! The little Infante! Sch�n! Ich bin happy meine tante... Meine auntie! Ah! Raus, die Zwerge! Los, raus, schnell! Raus... Schnell... Such a pretty language. Sie sind abgesetzt, verbannt und ausgewiesen. Ihr Verm�gen ist beschlagnahmt zu Gunsten der Krone. What is she saying? Don Salluste, you have been dismissed, disgraced exiled. You lose your title of Knight of the Golden Fleece and your functions as Minister of Police and of Finance. And all your belongings will be confiscated and given to the crown. But what did I do? Ein Kind, Don Salluste! A child. Your Majesty. What's that? Who's that? You refuse to recognise this child of my maid of honour? I can't recognise it. I don't know it. Ja! Ja! Ja! What ja ja ja? Nein! Zeduzed and abandoned... is what he did. Verf�rt und verlassen. Liar! She's a liar. She's lying in German. This child is a false witness. Warum nicht! Ich habe nicht! She and I, nada! Nada! Never! Nothing! Your Majesty, das ist eine collossal konspirazion! Don Salluste, you will leave Madrid tomorrow. After having returned your Golden Fleece to the King. Madame! Madame! Your Majesty, are you going to base your opinion on a new-born? Ok then, I agree, I recognise this child. I recognise my mistakes my children, other people's children. Your children, if you like. Old villain! Miscreant! Look at him. He's as green as his gloves. His disgrace is good for us. Tomorrow, he'll return his Golden Fleece to the King. That's an unexpected slice of fortune. We have to act quickly. Oh, amigos! Amigos! Hey! Not that. That's mine. That's mine. No! That's mine too. No, you can't have my table. Hey you! Give us a hand. - Sure. There we go. My cutlery. The Queen said to take everything. Everything! But I didn't take anything. Yes, you did. Who put that in my pants? What will become of me? I'm a minister. I can't do anything. We just have to find a place for the two of us, Monseigneur. Oh you, get lost! Disappear! I never want to see you again. And my wages? Who'll pay my wages? - Your wages? Here, take this. I dispel you. You don't exist anymore to me. Excuse me... Excuse me! That's my broom. - Bandit! Thief! Scoundrel! And you, little Queen. Bitch! I'll get my revenge. Here. One-eyed man! Monseigneur? Do you know Cesar? - The bandit? Cesar the bandit. - Yes. - You must find him. Nobody has seen him for 10 years And with one eye... You can see very well with one eye. Yes, you're right. You don't see very well. But once you find the first half the other half can't be far. Cesar, my nephew! Crook! Lout! I'm here! Scoundrel. It's me. Where are you? Up here. Up where? Over here. Ah! There he is. I'm coming. Hello, old creep. Did you come out of your hole? Do you need me? I have a proposition for you. Does it pay well? A fortune: mine! Do you think I'm as stupid as your ass? No, not that way. Not this way. Keep going. Listen to me. Cesar, the bandit, the villain, disappears. He's forgotten. Paf! He's forgotten. Gone. And you become Don Cesar. And I'll tell the whole court that you've come back from America. And you seduce the Queen. Is it true what they say? Did you fall into disgrace with her? You seduce the Queen. I send an anonymous letter to the King. He catches you both repudiates her and puts me back into power. And do you think you can find an idiot in Spain who would be part of this conspiracy? An idiot! But I had one! And I was stupid enough to fire him. Because you won't do it, will you? Follow me. Very good. Very good. There he is, Monseigneur. What shall we do with him? To Africa! To the Berbers! Traitor, you're an even bigger coward than I thought. Sell him. I never want to hear about him again. Go! Death to Salluste! Kill Salluste! Long live the King! - Kill Salluste! Death to Salluste! There, there. Hey. What's that? Well? A lady like you walking the streets of Madrid at this hour? That's not prudent. Would it be more prudent like this, idiot? Monseigneur! - Quiet! You know why I'm here? - What? Do you know why I'm here? No. Ever since you left me I've been so sad. The lady doesn't realise what she's saying, Monseigneur. Yes, I do. I thought about you so much since this morning. Give me your hand. - No! - Give it. Give me your hand. What a future. You're ugly, she's beautiful. You're broke, she's very rich. You're an idiot, so is she. You're a servant, she's the Queen. It's written there. She doesn't even know I exist. What if I used a magic wand, to make the differences disappear for a night? What if I turned you into Prince Charming? Give me back your hand. No. Yes. - No! You have a chance. And I am your chance. This way, Monseigneur. On your knees for the King. He likes people flat on the ground for him. When he arrives, crawl. - And the Queen? Even flat on the ground, she'll recognise me. Do you know how many servants like you there are in this palace? - No. 800! So... Let's start again. So, I don't say "at the barber's" but "at the barber". No, the other way around. You don't say "at the barber", but "at the barber's". And you don't say "hello there"... But "it's very happy here to meet you". That's very good. That's very good. But your place is terrible. How can you live in such a decrepit house? This is where Monseigneur houses his personnel. Ahh! It's nice. It's very nice. Are you content with it? Well? - Yes. Get undressed. What's your name? Don Cesar, Count of Gafaro. No, Garofa, Count of Garofa! Who returned from America. GAROFA! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, hop! Hop! No! You have no class at all. And lie... Can you lie? It's very useful at the court. Tell me a big lie. To see if I believe you or not. A really big one. Go on. Yesterday morning, I found 300,000 ducats in the coat tails of Monseigneur. - What? Where are they? - Under my mattress. Thief! Thief! You robbed me. No, Monseigneur, I lied to you. Long live the King! The King. On the ground. Put your hat on. You're a Spanish Grandee. Grandees cover themselves for the King. Ok, let's go. Excuse me. Don't excuse yourself. The poor excuse themselves. When you're rich, you're obnoxious. Ok, let's go. Una merveillosa! This is what they call in Florence una maquina infernale. You're making fun of us, Giuseppe. This ridiculous firecracker wouldn't hurt a fly. But later I multiply the explosion by a thousand and the King of Spain, poof! Gentlemen. In a moment, the King will be dead. One for all, all for themselves. But... What... What's gotten into you? I feel uncomfortable. Can't we come back tomorrow? I'm returning my Fleece today. Not tomorrow. And the Queen? Do you want to get to know her? Yes, but... Well then. No! I said no. What if they ask what I saw in America? - Americans. And with this... You know who will know who you are. There. The Infante. Is that your fiance, Monseigneur? My compliments. Little witch. And not very well raised either. In order to be introduced to the Queen, I have to find somebody more popular. A man who returns his Fleece... - Ungrateful! I spent all night transforming a worm into a nobleman. Ill-bred! Did you see that? But where is he? Where did he go? Where are you going? Where are you going? Last night, I wasn't thinking. I don't care. Stay here. And I'm wondering why you do all this for me. No. I'd better go. I order you to stay. No, Monseigneur. That's enough. Bow, scrape, stand, sit, lie, salute like this, talk like that I've had enough. - Shut up! So, hello there, Marquis. Oh you! You're... Yes, Monseigneur! I'm ill-bred too. Snap! The King! The Queen! The exit is it there or there? Honourable Grandees! Ouch! Ouch! Gentlemen, cover yourselves. And my money. Did you forget? - You will be paid afterwards. No! No money, no bomb. - Shut up! Listen, Giuseppe, this is a promissory note. No! The other half after the explosion. Start the mechanism. Careful, it will explode in exactly 4 minutes and 30 seconds. At the moment of the explosion, be at least 20 metres away from the throne. My God, the Queen! Quick, quick, Monseigneur. The throne? Where's the throne? - Over there. Don Salluste, Marquis of Montalegre. Baron Del Pisco. At the order of his Majesty our beloved King... You will retire in the monastery of Saint Ignacio where you'll take a vow of chastity and of poverty. Oh no! Not poverty! Sire? Sire, Don Salluste awaits the wise decision of your Majesty. Don Salluste! You're no longer worthy to be in our company. As the Queen informed you we're stripping you of your title of Knight of the Golden Fleece. It's heavy. Enough, Salluste. Look out! What? Careful! It's going to explode! Careful, Sire! The cushion! The cushion! No! It's Salluste! It's Salluste! He wanted to kill the King. Arrest him! There he is. It's not true. I was here. I didn't move from here. - Liar. Salluste! Salluste! No, Sire. For once, it wasn't me. I was here, praying. Excuse me, your Majesty. It's not him, it's him. Look. Give back that piece of paper. Look, Sire, this is the proof. Quickly! Who are you, sir who just saved our life? Well, your Majesty, I'm... I, I, I, I... I'm... A nephew of mine, Sire: Don Cesar... Count of Gafaro. - Garofa! Count of Garofa. Who returned from America... Where I saw many Americans. Don Salluste. Yes, Sire? You have 5 minutes to disappear to the Puerta del Sol forever. He really hates me. What did you say? - He hates me. Cesar! That's you. Cesar, come here. Cesar, Von Garofa! On your knees. I hope you'll be more worthy of it then your uncle. Yes, Sire. Congratulations. To the Puerta del Sol! You're little bomb, just now? It wasn't set very well. It exploded way too early. But my big bomb, my big bomb over there will explode a lot later. And when it will, it will make a huge scandal. I don't understand. Never mind. To the Berbers! Paf! Salluste, asshole! I'll get you. - Enough, Cesar. You told us this story 50 times. Where are you from? From Madrid. The King sold me for 500 dinars. The treasury is empty again. Salluste, asshole! There are big changes going on there. Salluste is no longer in power. It's Cesar now, his nephew. Cesar! Damn! But I'm Cesar. Cesar. - Sire? How much is it going to be? About 3 to 4 million ducats, Sire. The "volontary" contribution of His Excellence, the Marquis Del Basto. But, Sire, I don't understand. The Del Bastos haven't paid taxes for 300 years. Well, there's always a start for everything. And by which right? - By divine right. What are you going to do about it, my dear Del Basto? Your Majesty. And the next gentleman. The rogue! The rogue took 5 million from me. I won't pay. I will pay, gentlemen. But I'll have the last laugh. Cesar? Yes, Sire? Why are your boots always more shiny then mine? Because I polish them myself, Sire. Yourself? Wait, I'll show you. It's very simple. Give me your leg. Excellencies: the Marquis of Priego, the Duke of Los Mont�s, the Duke of Sandoval. Allow me? Excuse me, Sire, but it's the only way. See? Every morning. Every morning? - Yes, every morning. Ok, give me your leg. - No. Yes, come on. - Sire! Sire, I can't agree. The poor pay taxes, not the rich. Exactly, that wasn't very fair. Was it, Sire? That's why we changed everything. There's a lot less gold on the scales than before. Don't you think, , Cesar? Yes, I think so too, Sire. Excuse me! There's almost nothing. Ok, jump. Let me down. Let me down. Come on, don't look like that. Go, Brutus. Your Majesty, I think... Enough! My horse! Come, I'll take you hunting. Sire, the Queen! She's waiting for you. - Oh the Queen, the Queen! Just tell her I'll see her tomorrow. I'm going to kill 6 wolves and then I'll be back. Let's go! Do�a Isabella? No! Por aqui. Por aya! Your Majesty. Don Cesar. Was wollen sie? Madam, the King won't be back until tomorrow. He was called away for urgent matters of state. You is a bad liar. Das ist sehr delikat. Blindman's buff play with us Don Cesar? Your Majesty. A Queen of Spain does not play blindman's buff with a gentleman. Wer sagt das? Etiquette, Madam! F�r dieses mal vergessen wie die Etikette! Blindfold the eyes of Etiquette. What? But Madam... your Majesty, you really can't. But really, your Majesty. I'm here. Where are you? Where are you, my little ones? Por aqui, por aya! Por aqui, Do�a Juana! Yo te tengo! Si, si, si! Un poquito mas, por favor! Por aqui! Ole! Who did that? Who dared? I was pushed. Who pushed me? Ah, I'm drinking water. I'm choking. Madam! Achtung! Do�a Juana! No, no. Don't worry. I drowned her. The little brats. They'll pay for this. I need to talk to your Majesty. Das ist streng verboten. Chhh... Chhh... What I'm doing is verboten. To deceive you. To make you think I'm somebody I'm not. To accept favours from the King while I... Was sagen Sie? Ich verstehe nicht. Here it is. My name is not Cesar. My name is Blaze. I'm not the nephew of Salluste. I'm his servant. Ach... Valais! You're Swiss! And why Swiss? Which Swiss? Katastrophe! Die Alte! Madam. I don't know how... - Don Cesar! Ah Madam, I have to tell you. I love you! You're so beautiful, so radiant, so glorious. Yes, yes, yes. I have longed for you for months. You're not doing it on purpose. You're so elegant with your precious eyes. Your little feet. Know you know everything. And if you now want me to leave, I'll go. But you crying, Madam. Yes... Don Cesar! There you are. - Shhh! My dear baron. I wanted to talk to you about my taxes. You must understand that it's very hard for me to meet the requirements... Cesar. I'll be yours, body and soul. Whenever you want. Here's my hand. Why are you sighing, Cesar? I love you too. Not so fast. Little animal. Monseigneur, what if they recognise you? 6 months in exile. Everybody has forgotten about me. Wait for me down by the city wall. I'll join the procession. Blaze will definitely be there. Go! Hey, Blaze! Is that you? No. Hey, Cesar! Is that you? No, it's not him. Guess why the minister isn't here? He's with the King, as always. You know what he made him do? Yet another law. Now, when you kill a servant, you have to declare it. Blaze! Cesar! - Cesar! There's no doubt about it. We must attack him in the back. A conspiracy against Blaze? They're going to ruin it for me. I never thought we'd miss Salluste that old bastard. At least, he only stole from the poor. The safest way is poison. Tomorrow is his birthday. It's now or never. We'll make him eat a big poisonous cake. Idiot. But it wasn't me. Del Basto! Sandoval! Well? What time tomorrow? 3 o'clock at my place. At 4, everything will be over. Priego! Los Mont�s! What? Paf! That, hop! Another conspiracy. This time, they want to kill Blaze. I absolutely have to prevent that or my plan will not work out. The mute. The mute. The mute. And he's deaf too. I'm listening. You're talking too fast. Repeat. Don't shout like that. I'm not deaf. But I don't hear anything. What's he saying? Stay out of the conversation. And you, continue. Reforms. He's introducing reforms. That's why they want to make him eat the big cake. No... Not to make him gain weight, idiot. To poison him. I have to stop him from eating it at any price. But why? Because, you idiot because if they kill my poor little Blaze tomorrow, I can't make the King catch them in the Queen's bed. My servant cheating on the King, that will be my revenge. For you, Cesar, my best bull. Look! Look how fierce he is. I put him under your name. Priego, 3 months ago, I took your gold. Now you're offering me your best bull. What does it mean? It means, hombre, that I don't have any hard feelings. Come with me. There are more suprises waiting for you. Cyanide. I caught you red-handed. Animal! Oaf! Rascal! Wait a moment. Come with me. I'm taking you to Don Marquis de Priego. - No. Not the Marquis. He'll have you flogged. The guests will have fun. No, listen, listen, listen, your cream isn't sweet, it's salty. Salty? - It's salty. It's sweet. It's salty. Yumm, yumm, yumm. Go on, more. The Marquis! A lackey? What are you doing, Monseigneur? - Hide me and dance! Quickly. You have some guts. To bother me among MY friends on MY birthday. Enjoy your birthday. It's your last one. - What? Your birthday cake has been poisoned. Eat as little of it as you can and gain some time. I'll look after the rest. They're trying to kill me? Who? - Your friends. Cesar! There they are. Tell me off. Ok, Cesar, are you coming? Take that, villain! And that, scoundrel. Not so hard. - Take that. Ouch! Enough! Cesar, come and cut your cake. With pleasure. I'm very touched. Between friends, this is a delicate matter. If there were less flies, it would be perfect. It's true. It has to do with the weather. I need to gain some time... Ok, never mind. There are not that many... No, but look. See how many flies there are? Look, oh, look. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Look! There it is. It wants to taste my cake. See? She's dead. How strange. - What are you waiting for? Cut your cake and eat it. For such a fine cake we need a fine knife. Enjoy, gentlemen. Treason. Leave him to me. Salluste! Quickly. Over here. There! Silence. - Death to him! Gentlemen, I offer you an execution. And not of the bull. Hey! Hey! Ole! Ole! Ole! Gentlemen, our turn. Quickly! Hurry! Hurry! Thank you, Monseigneur, you saved me. You are... You are... erm... You're my prisoner, come on. - But, Monseigneur... What's gotten into you? Let go of me. Dump him in there. Monseigneur, how can you? Shh! Shhhh! Enough. Enough now. That's enough now, ok? Look there. The Queen's there... Come on, cooperate or I'll pull out a feather. The Queen's up there. Window with balcony. Look up there. Very good. Now repeat after me one last... Are you listening? Repeat one last time. Go on, talk. Tatatatalk! Go on! Go on! Shit! - Rude creature. Considering what I paid you... Don't repeat that. Talk! Tttttt! Talk! Ok, now repeat after me. Cesar sent me. Come on. Cesar sent me. Very good. Perfect. And what do you say next? Yo te quiero. Not in Spanish, in German. She's German. Ich liebe dich. Ich li... Ich liebe dich, go on! Hop! Here! No, not that window. What's it doing with the old woman? What's it telling her? Cesar sent me. Cesar! And what else? Tomorrow evening? In the Cabeza Negra inn? He'll wait for you. - He'll wait? Jawohl, mein Lieber! What's that noise? It's so loud. You made a mistake. Come here. The Queen is there, up there. Go on. Ist da jemand im Garten? Ach! Was f�r ein sch�ner Papagei! Speak! Tell her. Ich liebe dich. Wirklich? Ich bin sent by Don Cesarrr! Don Cesar, are you zere? Yo te quiero. Stupid animal. Wait until I get my hands on you. Was f�r eine gute Idee! Das ist ganz romantisch! Don Cesar, are you vailing? Nein, mein liebe, ich bin konfortabel! Kommen Sie see mich... me... Tomorrow evening, The Cabeza Negra inn. Ein rendezvous. Das ist eine grosse folly. Nein! Little folly! Can I count on you? Count? Count: Ein, zwei, drei. Ya, I'll be zere. Ach, she'll be zere! Gute Nacht, Don Cesar. Auf Wiedersehen! An anonymous letter for the King. An anonymous letter for the King. Sire, you're too strong for me. An anonymous letter for the King. An anonymous letter? Sire, your Majesty's a cuckold. What? Me? Yes, you. The Queen's cheating on you. With who? With Don Cesar. The traitor. The Queen's going to meet him this evening in the Cabeza Negra inn and in a moment, she'll come in and tell you... Your Majesty. Your Majesty, meine papa ill. Going to Bavaria, can I? Bitte? And when do you want to leave? Tonight. The sooner I leave, the sooner I'll be back. Go, Madam. And know that my thoughts will follow your every step. Danke, mein geliebter K�nig. I don't understand it anymore. You will understand. Listen to me: you save me, you kidnap me, you tie me up and you save me. Why? Mmm? Well? Be careful. What are you cooking up? Old bastard. I'll tell you. So I clean up my pawn. I'm cleaning my pawn.. Ok! Look. Remember that? Oh no, no! Yes! Yes! Oh yes! It hurts. Doesn't it hurt? I put perfume on my pawn. There! I'm pampering my pawn. I'm making it beautiful. Irresistible. Not happy? Ok, finished. There. How beautiful. Madam, look how beautiful he is. That's 3 times. In 40 years, never. Today, 3 times. Me, a Grandee, kicked in the butt by a lackey. A commoner's butt is as good as the butt of a Grandee. But tell me... But your head... it's enormous. I'm going to have you arrested. You're no longer minister. I'm gagging my pawn... Ho ho! Ho ho! Mmh! Mmh! And I'm calming my pawn. Careful... And finished. Mute! One-eyed man! Mute! One-eyed man! Yes, Monseigneur? - Still nobody? - No. Open your eyes, you. And you: hop! Speak. A mute! That's just my luck. Ouch! Don't look. There's nobody. Go on, go on. Malaga. Don't worry. You're going to sleep well. And later, in that bed, when you wake up there will be a surprise. Don't move. I have to make myself beautiful too. I'll be back in 5 minutes. But who are you? Don Cesar. The real one. There's somebody. Mi amor! Mi tesoro! Mi hombre! Mommy! The parrot told me everything. Oh yes? But be still, there's somebody under the bed who can hear you. Ah, this room, this love nest, the flowers, the dinner. Oh, bite me again, little animal. What if we drank something first? Big fool! Are you trying to get me drunk? You first. - After you, Juanita. Mi corazon! Monseigneur! What is it? What's happening? The mute has been attacked. Blaze! It must be him. The old woman! What's she doing there? But who is she? - The due�a. But where's the Queen? And Blaze, where is he? He got away. - He can't be far. Ok, listen. Go find him. I need him in this bed right away. Go! You this way, me that way. Let go of me. Come here. You're strong. Love me. No, I don't, come on. What is that? Go to sleep. Who is it? Ich bin es, Don Cesar. Ein Moment, bitte! Kommen Sie, mein Liebling. It's done, Monseigneur! Shht! I found him. - Where is he? I knocked him out and put him back in the bed, like you said. Bravo! Help me. Ah! Cesar, my nephew. But you made a mistake, idiot. But he's your nephew. I sent him to the Berbers. I got money from them. I spent it all. All gone. Where did you find him? There, in the hall. He escaped. I'm going crazy. Let's put him near the old woman. Your Majesty, my Queen, mein Liebling. You must wake up. Wake up. Wake up quickly. One! Two! Your Majesty, your Majesty. - Ich liebe dich, Cesar. You don't understand He wants us to be caught. K�ssen sie mich! - What "K�ssen sie mich"? Ah yes, kiss. Yes, your Majesty, I'd like to. but this is not the moment... I need Blaze. But where is he? There he is. You said he wasn't there. I don't understand. There. Look. She like this and he like that. Cesar, I love you. On the ground. Cesar! Cesar! Come! Your Majesty! Search the house and bring everybody to me. Come on, hurry. Salluste! What are you doing here? Where's the Queen? Did his Majesty receive my anonymous letter? Where's the Queen? Upstairs, Sire. Let me show you. Hurry. Careful. So we agree, don't we? I did you a very big favour. You repudiate the Queen and give me back my titles, my money, my Fleece. Here we are. Sire, you here? Wake up, Juanita, my little angel. The King is here. Oh, Sire! Do�a Juana, have you no shame? Oh no, Sire! And you? Where's the Queen? - The Queen, here? She left for Bavaria, Sire. because of her father who's ill. That's why Do�a Juana and I... We used the opportunity. Tell me, Salluste. That's enough. You're in the room of a young girl. Sire! I'm no longer a young girl. Marry us. - No. Oh! Oh! I mean... I'll explain, Sire. Let's wait and see. There's nobody else. We searched everything. We only found these two. Who are these two men? Salluste! Where is he? Giddyup. Cesar. K�ssen Sie mich! What did she say? Kiss her, idiot. Salluste! Where are you going? Nowhere, Sire. I was looking for you, your Majesty. Well, Salluste? Am I a cuckold? Wait! Look who's coming. Look who's there. The Grandees. I have the trendiest penal colony in the whole Sahara. Anyway, we're not going to hang around here long. I have a little plan to escape. We're going back to Madrid. We'll work together. The King repudiates the Queen. The old woman marries the parrot. Cesar becomes King. I marry him and then I'll be Queen. Listen, Salluste, isn't your head becoming very big sometimes? Do you know what I mean? But what are you doing here then, my dear Cesar? His name is not Cesar. It's Blaze. The King said to me: "You can choose. Either you marry Do�a Juana or you go to the Berbers. And? And the Berbers it was. Yoho! Cesar! Oh no! The old woman! Cesar! Cesar! I'm here! It's me! Oh no! Oh no, help! Help! Cesar, wait for me, my love. Hey! Hey! Hey! Monseigneur. Buenas tardes, amigos! The taxes are here Minister. Excises, tithes, spice tax, how much is it for this year? 200,000 ducats. But last year it was a lot more! - But last year the harvest was better. This year the harvest was not that good, so you have to pay double. Taxes. They're all for the King! Don Salluste, our people are very poor and... That's normal. The poor are poor and the rich are rich. Come on, come on... Hurry up! I have 3 more villages left to visit. Collect all that. Quickly. Where's the cheering? The enthusiasm? Long live Don Salluste. Long live Don Salluste. Long live our benefactor. Long live our benefactor. Long live our great friend. - Long live our great friend. Ole. - Ole. Ole. - Ole. That wasn't very... Never mind, never mind. You wouldn't think so, but that coach isn't very reliable. What? I'm saying that coach isn't very reliable. It's a real sieve. He's going to lose a lot... Blaze - Yes. So, if I were you... Go, go. Follow them. Follow the coach. All that is for the King. That's for me. That's for me. That's for me. That's for me. Hey, careful! Hey. Whoa! Careful! The spices. Who gets the spice tax? Is it for Salluste? No! It's for the King! Yes! No! Leave me in peace. And the tithes? Who gets them? The King? No, it's for Salluste. Thief! Not a thief! It's for Salluste, there! Look out! Wait, Monseigneur. I'll help you. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My ruff! I'll help you, Monseigneur. No! That's my gold! And my gold is my money. And I don't need you. Are you sure? What's happening? The villagers, monseigneur! They're cheering you on. Cheering me on? Yes. I should have taken three times more from them. Ha! Ha! - Kill him! Blaze! Blaze! Blaze! Help! Aaahhh! Blaze! Help. Help. Help. Stop. Stop. Stop now. Wait for me. Help me. Why did you get out? My dear Blaze. Ah! Take this. My hand. Help me, my dear Blaze. Hold tight, my dear Blaze. Don't let go. My dear Blaze. Blaze is such a good man. Thank you, my dear Blaze. They're not cheering me on. They're not cheering me on. They're not. Here! And here! And here! They were not cheering. They were not cheering. Here! The villains. You saw them! They almost... - Yes. That's what the masses are like. No, not there! Not there! There! There's not enough foam. Not enough hair either. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Don't move. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! There. And now, Blaze flatter me. Monseigneur is the greatest of the Spanish Grandees. That's not flattering, that's true. So? Idiot. What? "Idiot" is what I said to the servant of the Duke of Albes. No! No, my master is not... "... the result of a marriage between relatives. " "Have another look at him", he said to me. So I told him not to judge on appearances. Just because his mother married the half-brother of his aunt who was a first cousin of the sister of his father, who... who... Are you sure that's flattery? I was going to say something else, but I didn't dare. Oh, come on, speak. Yes! Monseigneur is... beautiful. Do you really mean that? Well, I'm flattering. Good night, your Majesty. Was ist das? The Queen. Ach! Schön... Vergissmeinnicht. Forget-me-nots. The Queen has an admirer. But that's worth a lot of money. But that's Blaze! There's the old lady. That's going to be interesting! A Queen of Spain does not accept flowers from anybody. Not even from the King! Aahh! Now the big gallows-bird starts singing. Hey, you up there! Blaze! Blaze, shut up. You'll wake up the entire palace. Niemals waren Liebeswörter an mein Ohr. Warum? It's the Queen. She's from Bavaria. She's pretty but stupid. My young German heart in exile shivers at this serenade... Your Majesty. A Queen of Spain does not listen to music when the King is out hunting. Who goes hunting loses his place. Hey. Because I love the Queen. Me, a servant, I dare. Now he's stamping around. Hey, wait, you'll see. Blaze, my servant, in love with the Queen. He's crazy. He will be drawn and quartered. You'll see.... Come here, you. Come here, you. He's singing, he's dancing around. He's stamping his feet. Hey! That's enough... playing the gallant at 2 in the morning? Hey! Ho! Ah! Let go of that. Let go. It's gold. Golden sunrays of dawn. Wake up and smell the gold. Monseigneur. It's 8 o'clock. Gouchi, gouchi, gouchi. There's one missing. Are you sure? Very sure. Well, I'll be... Look under the bed. There it is. It's there. Look! Come on, look! What? - Look. You're too tall. You're my servant. You're too tall. Come on. This is what I want to see. This is what I want. This is good. Give me my breadsticks. Monseigneur seems to be in a good mood, this morning. In a good mood? No, I'm not. And you know very well why not. Why not? Why! ? Because yesterday, bom bom bom and tagada tagada! Gling gling gling and tarata taratata! Monseisei... Monseisei... Monseigneur! It's the... the... The what? The Queen! The Queen here, at this hour? Quick, my jerkin, my fleece, hurry. Remove this. Dress me. Dress me quickly. Yes, that's it. That's it. The little Infante, I've got her. I won't let her go. I didn't know Monseigneur and the Infante... The ruff. The ruff? Here's the ruff. - Blaze, you don't know what the Queen's going to announce. I will be the son-in-law of the King. That's remarkable... ...since they don't have any children. His niece, it's the same thing. The King only needs to have a hunting accident. Paf! Big cousin Léopold: Paf! Paf! The little Count of Anjou: Bang! Everybody... Lots of hunting accidents. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! And then.... I... King. - And also, we'll be spared the War of the Spanish Succession. Her Majesty, the Queen. - Quick, tidy up. Make way for the Queen. Ruhe! Ruhe, die Hunde! Ruhe! Sie haben meine Ehrendame entehrt. I... uhm... what? Was? Und die Unschuld eines jungen Deutschen Mädchens missbraucht! Ah! Danke schön! The little Infante! Schön! Ich bin happy meine tante... Meine auntie! Ah! Raus, die Zwerge! Los, raus, schnell! Raus... Schnell... Such a pretty language. Sie sind abgesetzt, verbannt und ausgewiesen. Ihr Vermögen ist beschlagnahmt zu Gunsten der Krone. What is she saying? Don Salluste, you have been dismissed, disgraced exiled. You lose your title of Knight of the Golden Fleece and your functions as Minister of Police and of Finance. And all your belongings will be confiscated and given to the crown. But what did I do? Ein Kind, Don Salluste! A child. Your Majesty. What's that? Who's that? You refuse to recognise this child of my maid of honour? I can't recognise it. I don't know it. Ja! Ja! Ja! What ja ja ja? Nein! Zeduzed and abandoned... is what he did. Verfürt und verlassen. Liar! She's a liar. She's lying in German. This child is a false witness. Warum nicht! Ich habe nicht! She and I, nada! Nada! Never! Nothing! Your Majesty, das ist eine collossal konspirazion! Don Salluste, you will leave Madrid tomorrow. After having returned your Golden Fleece to the King. Madame! Madame! Your Majesty, are you going to base your opinion on a new-born? Ok then, I agree, I recognise this child. I recognise my mistakes my children, other people's children. Your children, if you like. Old villain! Miscreant! Look at him. He's as green as his gloves. His disgrace is good for us. Tomorrow, he'll return his Golden Fleece to the King. That's an unexpected slice of fortune. We have to act quickly. Oh, amigos! Amigos! Hey! Not that. That's mine. That's mine. No! That's mine too. No, you can't have my table. Hey you! Give us a hand. - Sure. There we go. My cutlery. The Queen said to take everything. Everything! But I didn't take anything. Yes, you did. Who put that in my pants? What will become of me? I'm a minister. I can't do anything. We just have to find a place for the two of us, Monseigneur. Oh you, get lost! Disappear! I never want to see you again. And my wages? Who'll pay my wages? - Your wages? Here, take this. I dispel you. You don't exist anymore to me. Excuse me... Excuse me! That's my broom. - Bandit! Thief! Scoundrel! And you, little Queen. Bitch! I'll get my revenge. Here. One-eyed man! Monseigneur? Do you know César? - The bandit? César the bandit. - Yes. - You must find him. Nobody has seen him for 10 years And with one eye... You can see very well with one eye. Yes, you're right. You don't see very well. But once you find the first half the other half can't be far. César, my nephew! Crook! Lout! I'm here! Scoundrel. It's me. Where are you? Up here. Up where? Over here. Ah! There he is. I'm coming. Hello, old creep. Did you come out of your hole? Do you need me? I have a proposition for you. Does it pay well? A fortune: mine! Do you think I'm as stupid as your ass? No, not that way. Not this way. Keep going. Listen to me. César, the bandit, the villain, disappears. He's forgotten. Paf! He's forgotten. Gone. And you become Don César. And I'll tell the whole court that you've come back from America. And you seduce the Queen. Is it true what they say? Did you fall into disgrace with her? You seduce the Queen. I send an anonymous letter to the King. He catches you both repudiates her and puts me back into power. And do you think you can find an idiot in Spain who would be part of this conspiracy? An idiot! But I had one! And I was stupid enough to fire him. Because you won't do it, will you? Follow me. Very good. Very good. There he is, Monseigneur. What shall we do with him? To Africa! To the Berbers! Traitor, you're an even bigger coward than I thought. Sell him. I never want to hear about him again. Go! Death to Salluste! Kill Salluste! Long live the King! - Kill Salluste! Death to Salluste! There, there. Hey. What's that? Well? A lady like you walking the streets of Madrid at this hour? That's not prudent. Would it be more prudent like this, idiot? Monseigneur! - Quiet! You know why I'm here? - What? Do you know why I'm here? No. Ever since you left me I've been so sad. The lady doesn't realise what she's saying, Monseigneur. Yes, I do. I thought about you so much since this morning. Give me your hand. - No! - Give it. Give me your hand. What a future. You're ugly, she's beautiful. You're broke, she's very rich. You're an idiot, so is she. You're a servant, she's the Queen. It's written there. She doesn't even know I exist. What if I used a magic wand, to make the differences disappear for a night? What if I turned you into Prince Charming? Give me back your hand. No. Yes. - No! You have a chance. And I am your chance. This way, Monseigneur. On your knees for the King. He likes people flat on the ground for him. When he arrives, crawl. - And the Queen? Even flat on the ground, she'll recognise me. Do you know how many servants like you there are in this palace? - No. 800! So... Let's start again. So, I don't say "at the barber's" but "at the barber". No, the other way around. You don't say "at the barber", but "at the barber's". And you don't say "hello there"... But "it's very happy here to meet you". That's very good. That's very good. But your place is terrible. How can you live in such a decrepit house? This is where Monseigneur houses his personnel. Ahh! It's nice. It's very nice. Are you content with it? Well? - Yes. Get undressed. What's your name? Don César, Count of Gafaro. No, Garofa, Count of Garofa! Who returned from America. GAROFA! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, hop! Hop! No! You have no class at all. And lie... Can you lie? It's very useful at the court. Tell me a big lie. To see if I believe you or not. A really big one. Go on. Yesterday morning, I found 300,000 ducats in the coat tails of Monseigneur. - What? Where are they? - Under my mattress. Thief! Thief! You robbed me. No, Monseigneur, I lied to you. Long live the King! The King. On the ground. Put your hat on. You're a Spanish Grandee. Grandees cover themselves for the King. Ok, let's go. Excuse me. Don't excuse yourself. The poor excuse themselves. When you're rich, you're obnoxious. Ok, let's go. Una merveillosa! This is what they call in Florence una maquina infernale. You're making fun of us, Giuseppe. This ridiculous firecracker wouldn't hurt a fly. But later I multiply the explosion by a thousand and the King of Spain, poof! Gentlemen. In a moment, the King will be dead. One for all, all for themselves. But... What... What's gotten into you? I feel uncomfortable. Can't we come back tomorrow? I'm returning my Fleece today. Not tomorrow. And the Queen? Do you want to get to know her? Yes, but... Well then. No! I said no. What if they ask what I saw in America? - Americans. And with this... You know who will know who you are. There. The Infante. Is that your fiancé, Monseigneur? My compliments. Little witch. And not very well raised either. In order to be introduced to the Queen, I have to find somebody more popular. A man who returns his Fleece... - Ungrateful! I spent all night transforming a worm into a nobleman. Ill-bred! Did you see that? But where is he? Where did he go? Where are you going? Where are you going? Last night, I wasn't thinking. I don't care. Stay here. And I'm wondering why you do all this for me. No. I'd better go. I order you to stay. No, Monseigneur. That's enough. Bow, scrape, stand, sit, lie, salute like this, talk like that I've had enough. - Shut up! So, hello there, Marquis. Oh you! You're... Yes, Monseigneur! I'm ill-bred too. Snap! The King! The Queen! The exit is it there or there? Honourable Grandees! Ouch! Ouch! Gentlemen, cover yourselves. And my money. Did you forget? - You will be paid afterwards. No! No money, no bomb. - Shut up! Listen, Giuseppe, this is a promissory note. No! The other half after the explosion. Start the mechanism. Careful, it will explode in exactly 4 minutes and 30 seconds. At the moment of the explosion, be at least 20 metres away from the throne. My God, the Queen! Quick, quick, Monseigneur. The throne? Where's the throne? - Over there. Don Salluste, Marquis of Montalégré. Baron Del Pisco. At the order of his Majesty our beloved King... You will retire in the monastery of Saint Ignacio where you'll take a vow of chastity and of poverty. Oh no! Not poverty! Sire? Sire, Don Salluste awaits the wise decision of your Majesty. Don Salluste! You're no longer worthy to be in our company. As the Queen informed you we're stripping you of your title of Knight of the Golden Fleece. It's heavy. Enough, Salluste. Look out! What? Careful! It's going to explode! Careful, Sire! The cushion! The cushion! No! It's Salluste! It's Salluste! He wanted to kill the King. Arrest him! There he is. It's not true. I was here. I didn't move from here. - Liar. Salluste! Salluste! No, Sire. For once, it wasn't me. I was here, praying. Excuse me, your Majesty. It's not him, it's him. Look. Give back that piece of paper. Look, Sire, this is the proof. Quickly! Who are you, sir who just saved our life? Well, your Majesty, I'm... I, I, I, I... I'm... A nephew of mine, Sire: Don César... Count of Gafaro. - Garofa! Count of Garofa. Who returned from America... Where I saw many Americans. Don Salluste. Yes, Sire? You have 5 minutes to disappear to the Puerta del Sol forever. He really hates me. What did you say? - He hates me. César! That's you. César, come here. César, Von Garofa! On your knees. I hope you'll be more worthy of it then your uncle. Yes, Sire. Congratulations. To the Puerta del Sol! You're little bomb, just now? It wasn't set very well. It exploded way too early. But my big bomb, my big bomb over there will explode a lot later. And when it will, it will make a huge scandal. I don't understand. Never mind. To the Berbers! Paf! Salluste, asshole! I'll get you. - Enough, César. You told us this story 50 times. Where are you from? From Madrid. The King sold me for 500 dinars. The treasury is empty again. Salluste, asshole! There are big changes going on there. Salluste is no longer in power. It's César now, his nephew. César! Damn! But I'm César. César. - Sire? How much is it going to be? About 3 to 4 million ducats, Sire. The "volontary" contribution of His Excellence, the Marquis Del Basto. But, Sire, I don't understand. The Del Bastos haven't paid taxes for 300 years. Well, there's always a start for everything. And by which right? - By divine right. What are you going to do about it, my dear Del Basto? Your Majesty. And the next gentleman. The rogue! The rogue took 5 million from me. I won't pay. I will pay, gentlemen. But I'll have the last laugh. César? Yes, Sire? Why are your boots always more shiny then mine? Because I polish them myself, Sire. Yourself? Wait, I'll show you. It's very simple. Give me your leg. Excellencies: the Marquis of Priégo, the Duke of Los Montès, the Duke of Sandoval. Allow me? Excuse me, Sire, but it's the only way. See? Every morning. Every morning? - Yes, every morning. Ok, give me your leg. - No. Yes, come on. - Sire! Sire, I can't agree. The poor pay taxes, not the rich. Exactly, that wasn't very fair. Was it, Sire? That's why we changed everything. There's a lot less gold on the scales than before. Don't you think, , César? Yes, I think so too, Sire. Excuse me! There's almost nothing. Ok, jump. Let me down. Let me down. Come on, don't look like that. Go, Brutus. Your Majesty, I think... Enough! My horse! Come, I'll take you hunting. Sire, the Queen! She's waiting for you. - Oh the Queen, the Queen! Just tell her I'll see her tomorrow. I'm going to kill 6 wolves and then I'll be back. Let's go! Doña Isabella? No! Por aqui. Por aya! Your Majesty. Don César. Was wollen sie? Madam, the King won't be back until tomorrow. He was called away for urgent matters of state. You is a bad liar. Das ist sehr delikat. Blindman's buff play with us Don César? Your Majesty. A Queen of Spain does not play blindman's buff with a gentleman. Wer sagt das? Etiquette, Madam! Für dieses mal vergessen wie die Etikette! Blindfold the eyes of Etiquette. What? But Madam... your Majesty, you really can't. But really, your Majesty. I'm here. Where are you? Where are you, my little ones? Por aqui, por aya! Por aqui, Doña Juana! Yo te tengo! Si, si, si! Un poquito mas, por favor! Por aqui! Ole! Who did that? Who dared? I was pushed. Who pushed me? Ah, I'm drinking water. I'm choking. Madam! Achtung! Doña Juana! No, no. Don't worry. I drowned her. The little brats. They'll pay for this. I need to talk to your Majesty. Das ist streng verboten. Chhh... Chhh... What I'm doing is verboten. To deceive you. To make you think I'm somebody I'm not. To accept favours from the King while I... Was sagen Sie? Ich verstehe nicht. Here it is. My name is not César. My name is Blaze. I'm not the nephew of Salluste. I'm his servant. Ach... Valais! You're Swiss! And why Swiss? Which Swiss? Katastrophe! Die Alte! Madam. I don't know how... - Don César! Ah Madam, I have to tell you. I love you! You're so beautiful, so radiant, so glorious. Yes, yes, yes. I have longed for you for months. You're not doing it on purpose. You're so elegant with your precious eyes. Your little feet. Know you know everything. And if you now want me to leave, I'll go. But you crying, Madam. Yes... Don César! There you are. - Shhh! My dear baron. I wanted to talk to you about my taxes. You must understand that it's very hard for me to meet the requirements... César. I'll be yours, body and soul. Whenever you want. Here's my hand. Why are you sighing, César? I love you too. Not so fast. Little animal. Monseigneur, what if they recognise you? 6 months in exile. Everybody has forgotten about me. Wait for me down by the city wall. I'll join the procession. Blaze will definitely be there. Go! Hey, Blaze! Is that you? No. Hey, César! Is that you? No, it's not him. Guess why the minister isn't here? He's with the King, as always. You know what he made him do? Yet another law. Now, when you kill a servant, you have to declare it. Blaze! César! - César! There's no doubt about it. We must attack him in the back. A conspiracy against Blaze? They're going to ruin it for me. I never thought we'd miss Salluste that old bastard. At least, he only stole from the poor. The safest way is poison. Tomorrow is his birthday. It's now or never. We'll make him eat a big poisonous cake. Idiot. But it wasn't me. Del Basto! Sandoval! Well? What time tomorrow? 3 o'clock at my place. At 4, everything will be over. Priégo! Los Montès! What? Paf! That, hop! Another conspiracy. This time, they want to kill Blaze. I absolutely have to prevent that or my plan will not work out. The mute. The mute. The mute. And he's deaf too. I'm listening. You're talking too fast. Repeat. Don't shout like that. I'm not deaf. But I don't hear anything. What's he saying? Stay out of the conversation. And you, continue. Reforms. He's introducing reforms. That's why they want to make him eat the big cake. No... Not to make him gain weight, idiot. To poison him. I have to stop him from eating it at any price. But why? Because, you idiot because if they kill my poor little Blaze tomorrow, I can't make the King catch them in the Queen's bed. My servant cheating on the King, that will be my revenge. For you, César, my best bull. Look! Look how fierce he is. I put him under your name. Priégo, 3 months ago, I took your gold. Now you're offering me your best bull. What does it mean? It means, hombre, that I don't have any hard feelings. Come with me. There are more suprises waiting for you. Cyanide. I caught you red-handed. Animal! Oaf! Rascal! Wait a moment. Come with me. I'm taking you to Don Marquis de Priégo. - No. Not the Marquis. He'll have you flogged. The guests will have fun. No, listen, listen, listen, your cream isn't sweet, it's salty. Salty? - It's salty. It's sweet. It's salty. Yumm, yumm, yumm. Go on, more. The Marquis! A lackey? What are you doing, Monseigneur? - Hide me and dance! Quickly. You have some guts. To bother me among MY friends on MY birthday. Enjoy your birthday. It's your last one. - What? Your birthday cake has been poisoned. Eat as little of it as you can and gain some time. I'll look after the rest. They're trying to kill me? Who? - Your friends. César! There they are. Tell me off. Ok, César, are you coming? Take that, villain! And that, scoundrel. Not so hard. - Take that. Ouch! Enough! César, come and cut your cake. With pleasure. I'm very touched. Between friends, this is a delicate matter. If there were less flies, it would be perfect. It's true. It has to do with the weather. I need to gain some time... Ok, never mind. There are not that many... No, but look. See how many flies there are? Look, oh, look. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Look! There it is. It wants to taste my cake. See? She's dead. How strange. - What are you waiting for? Cut your cake and eat it. For such a fine cake we need a fine knife. Enjoy, gentlemen. Treason. Leave him to me. Salluste! Quickly. Over here. There! Silence. - Death to him! Gentlemen, I offer you an execution. And not of the bull. Hey! Hey! Ole! Ole! Ole! Gentlemen, our turn. Quickly! Hurry! Hurry! Thank you, Monseigneur, you saved me. You are... You are... erm... You're my prisoner, come on. - But, Monseigneur... What's gotten into you? Let go of me. Dump him in there. Monseigneur, how can you? Shh! Shhhh! Enough. Enough now. That's enough now, ok? Look there. The Queen's there... Come on, cooperate or I'll pull out a feather. The Queen's up there. Window with balcony. Look up there. Very good. Now repeat after me one last... Are you listening? Repeat one last time. Go on, talk. Tatatatalk! Go on! Go on! Shit! - Rude creature. Considering what I paid you... Don't repeat that. Talk! Tttttt! Talk! Ok, now repeat after me. César sent me. Come on. César sent me. Very good. Perfect. And what do you say next? Yo te quiero. Not in Spanish, in German. She's German. Ich liebe dich. Ich li... Ich liebe dich, go on! Hop! Here! No, not that window. What's it doing with the old woman? What's it telling her? César sent me. César! And what else? Tomorrow evening? In the Cabeza Negra inn? He'll wait for you. - He'll wait? Jawohl, mein Lieber! What's that noise? It's so loud. You made a mistake. Come here. The Queen is there, up there. Go on. Ist da jemand im Garten? Ach! Was für ein schöner Papagei! Speak! Tell her. Ich liebe dich. Wirklich? Ich bin sent by Don Césarrr! Don César, are you zere? Yo te quiero. Stupid animal. Wait until I get my hands on you. Was für eine gute Idee! Das ist ganz romantisch! Don César, are you vailing? Nein, mein liebe, ich bin konfortabel! Kommen Sie see mich... me... Tomorrow evening, The Cabeza Negra inn. Ein rendezvous. Das ist eine grosse folly. Nein! Little folly! Can I count on you? Count? Count: Ein, zwei, drei. Ya, I'll be zere. Ach, she'll be zere! Gute Nacht, Don César. Auf Wiedersehen! An anonymous letter for the King. An anonymous letter for the King. Sire, you're too strong for me. An anonymous letter for the King. An anonymous letter? Sire, your Majesty's a cuckold. What? Me? Yes, you. The Queen's cheating on you. With who? With Don César. The traitor. The Queen's going to meet him this evening in the Cabeza Negra inn and in a moment, she'll come in and tell you... Your Majesty. Your Majesty, meine papa ill. Going to Bavaria, can I? Bitte? And when do you want to leave? Tonight. The sooner I leave, the sooner I'll be back. Go, Madam. And know that my thoughts will follow your every step. Danke, mein geliebter König. I don't understand it anymore. You will understand. Listen to me: you save me, you kidnap me, you tie me up and you save me. Why? Mmm? Well? Be careful. What are you cooking up? Old bastard. I'll tell you. So I clean up my pawn. I'm cleaning my pawn.. Ok! Look. Remember that? Oh no, no! Yes! Yes! Oh yes! It hurts. Doesn't it hurt? I put perfume on my pawn. There! I'm pampering my pawn. I'm making it beautiful. Irresistible. Not happy? Ok, finished. There. How beautiful. Madam, look how beautiful he is. That's 3 times. In 40 years, never. Today, 3 times. Me, a Grandee, kicked in the butt by a lackey. A commoner's butt is as good as the butt of a Grandee. But tell me... But your head... it's enormous. I'm going to have you arrested. You're no longer minister. I'm gagging my pawn... Ho ho! Ho ho! Mmh! Mmh! And I'm calming my pawn. Careful... And finished. Mute! One-eyed man! Mute! One-eyed man! Yes, Monseigneur? - Still nobody? - No. Open your eyes, you. And you: hop! Speak. A mute! That's just my luck. Ouch! Don't look. There's nobody. Go on, go on. Malaga. Don't worry. You're going to sleep well. And later, in that bed, when you wake up there will be a surprise. Don't move. I have to make myself beautiful too. I'll be back in 5 minutes. But who are you? Don César. The real one. There's somebody. Mi amor! Mi tesoro! Mi hombre! Mommy! The parrot told me everything. Oh yes? But be still, there's somebody under the bed who can hear you. Ah, this room, this love nest, the flowers, the dinner. Oh, bite me again, little animal. What if we drank something first? Big fool! Are you trying to get me drunk? You first. - After you, Juanita. Mi corazon! Monseigneur! What is it? What's happening? The mute has been attacked. Blaze! It must be him. The old woman! What's she doing there? But who is she? - The dueña. But where's the Queen? And Blaze, where is he? He got away. - He can't be far. Ok, listen. Go find him. I need him in this bed right away. Go! You this way, me that way. Let go of me. Come here. You're strong. Love me. No, I don't, come on. What is that? Go to sleep. Who is it? Ich bin es, Don César. Ein Moment, bitte! Kommen Sie, mein Liebling. It's done, Monseigneur! Shht! I found him. - Where is he? I knocked him out and put him back in the bed, like you said. Bravo! Help me. Ah! César, my nephew. But you made a mistake, idiot. But he's your nephew. I sent him to the Berbers. I got money from them. I spent it all. All gone. Where did you find him? There, in the hall. He escaped. I'm going crazy. Let's put him near the old woman. Your Majesty, my Queen, mein Liebling. You must wake up. Wake up. Wake up quickly. One! Two! Your Majesty, your Majesty. - Ich liebe dich, César. You don't understand He wants us to be caught. Küssen sie mich! - What "Küssen sie mich"? Ah yes, kiss. Yes, your Majesty, I'd like to. but this is not the moment... I need Blaze. But where is he? There he is. You said he wasn't there. I don't understand. There. Look. She like this and he like that. César, I love you. On the ground. César! César! Come! Your Majesty! Search the house and bring everybody to me. Come on, hurry. Salluste! What are you doing here? Where's the Queen? Did his Majesty receive my anonymous letter? Where's the Queen? Upstairs, Sire. Let me show you. Hurry. Careful. So we agree, don't we? I did you a very big favour. You repudiate the Queen and give me back my titles, my money, my Fleece. Here we are. Sire, you here? Wake up, Juanita, my little angel. The King is here. Oh, Sire! Doña Juana, have you no shame? Oh no, Sire! And you? Where's the Queen? - The Queen, here? She left for Bavaria, Sire. because of her father who's ill. That's why Doña Juana and I... We used the opportunity. Tell me, Salluste. That's enough. You're in the room of a young girl. Sire! I'm no longer a young girl. Marry us. - No. Oh! Oh! I mean... I'll explain, Sire. Let's wait and see. There's nobody else. We searched everything. We only found these two. Who are these two men? Salluste! Where is he? Giddyup. César. Küssen Sie mich! What did she say? Kiss her, idiot. Salluste! Where are you going? Nowhere, Sire. I was looking for you, your Majesty. Well, Salluste? Am I a cuckold? Wait! Look who's coming. Look who's there. The Grandees. I have the trendiest penal colony in the whole Sahara. Anyway, we're not going to hang around here long. I have a little plan to escape. We're going back to Madrid. We'll work together. The King repudiates the Queen. The old woman marries the parrot. César becomes King. I marry him and then I'll be Queen. Listen, Salluste, isn't your head becoming very big sometimes? Do you know what I mean? But what are you doing here then, my dear César? His name is not César. It's Blaze. The King said to me: "You can choose. Either you marry Doña Juana or you go to the Berbers. And? And the Berbers it was. Yoho! César! Oh no! The old woman! César! César! I'm here! It's me! Oh no! Oh no, help! Help! César, wait for me, my love. Mines 7A, C, and F detonated. That completes the minefield test sequence. Everything is in order. Very well. Reactivate the mines. 15 seconds to launch and counting... They're almost ready on the mainland, General. Ten seconds and counting. Seven seconds... six... five... four... three... two... one... zero. We have a good burn. We are at two kilometers. We are at five kilometers. We are at an altitude of ten kilometers. 15 kilometers. A perfect launch. Strom. Yes, sir. Control of the shot has now been transferred to this installation. The satellite should be in orbit in exactly ten minutes. Good. The world is in for quite a surprise. Good morning, Mr. Phelps. This satellite, launched this morning by a hostile power, contains several thermonuclear bombs, each large enough to destroy any capital city in the world. controls for the weapon, which is designed for international blackmail, are situated on this fortified island in the Adriatic. The installation is protected by a sophisticated minefield designed by an American defector, Arthur Norris, and considered to be impenetrable. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to destroy the satellite. As always, should you or any member of your IM Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim. This is probably the most sophisticated land mine ever built. There are over a thousand of these protecting the installation. The way that Norris has designed the setup, there's no way to disarm them except through the console in the command room. Arthur Norris was a top military engineer. Why did he defect? You've been researching it, Paris. That's right. I'm an expert on the life and loves of Arthur Norris. Aside from hating our system, he was pretty unstable. Got himself into a lot of trouble with gambling and women. So when the enemy offered him a lot of money to design the minefield and supervise the installation, he grabbed it. They picked a real winner. He's been a lot of help to them. Jim, aren't there any weapons capable of knocking that satellite down? Nothing that's operational, Dana. That's why it's up to us to do it. Now, the satellite is controlled automatically by computer, from this globe-like building here, completely separate from the command post, which is here. Now Barney will destroy the satellite by replacing one of their key programming units with one of ours. But in order to do that he has to cross this minefield to get in, then cross it again to get out. That's why substituting Paris for Arthur Norris is the key to our whole operation. Where do we make the substitution, Jim? In Norris' apartment, in the capital. Barney will be dropped by a submarine at twilight. While he's headed for the installation, you and Paris will take Norris out. And you'll be getting the minefield plans out of Norris' office at headquarters. Right, Dana. This is the X ray equipment, Jim. -Mm-hmm. -It's all checked out. Good, Barney, fine. What about a mask, Paris? I considered that, Doug, but Norris' body type is just too different from mine. Beside that, until a few months ago, that island was a deserted army base. Norris worked on the installation and was out of there before the operational personnel arrived. None of them ever met Norris, so once I replace him, there shouldn't be any trouble. A perfect launch. All systems operational. Next transmission in ten hours. Nothing there, Paris. That worries me. We have no way of knowing where he is. Maybe with her. You run across that one in your research? Yeah, sure did. That's Kathrine Berat. Entertainer. He's been having a romance with her the last three months. Well, one thing I can say for him: he sure knows how to pick his women. Darling, what's bothering you tonight? I don't know. Somehow, I get the feeling that... I've told you too much. Is that what's bothering you? Mm-hmm. Arthur, I love you. I couldn't do anything to hurt you. To us. To us. Arthur, you've confided in me. Don't regret it. Trust me. Good night, Kathrine. Good night. Put the phone down. Arthur, please. Put it down! He'll be all right-- he never knew what hit him. His "K" clearance. Your "K" clearance, Paris. Good, Jim. If Barney's on schedule, the island will be screaming for me any minute. Sector 21 . Three of the mines have detonated. Get me the bunker. Sector 21 . What is happening up there? I do not know, Captain. I will send up a flare. Give me a flare gun. Strom here. We can see nothing from here, sir. Check out sector 21 immediately. Yes, sir. Come on. Check out the rest of the perimeter. The fence is still intact. There's no sign of anyone having been on the minefield. If I may suggest, sir, I think we should shut down the field until we can find the malfunction. Absolutely not! But, General, this is an emergency, and the only man to handle the situation is the man who designed the field... Arthur Norris. Very well, get me headquarters at the capital. Yes, sir. Strom here, get me headquarters. Yes? Very well. I'm to report to the helipad immediately for transportation to the island. Emergency. Good luck. How is he? Fine. Sleeping like a baby. I'm Arthur Norris. Your "K" clearance. You will not leave the command post. You will wear this identification at all times while you are on the base. Is that clear? Very clear, Lieutenant. Very well, they're waiting. It is Kathrine Berat. She was an excellent agent. One of our best. How was she killed? One bullet: chest. Did they recover the bullet? Nine millimeter. We're not able to trace ownership. Was she supposed to see Norris tonight? Yes, and then she was to report to me. Her purse was missing. It could have been robbery. Or an attempt to make it look like robbery. We'd better talk to Arthur Norris. Frankly, General, I'm puzzled. Strange that your own minefield should puzzle you. The system requires maintenance, General. It's a very complex... I'm in charge of all routine maintenance, Mr. Norris. I can assure you the minefield has been serviced with the greatest care. Yes. Yes, of course. I'm afraid I'll have to shut down the minefield to pinpoint the problem. That is impossible. In that case, maybe you better have Captain Strom handle the situation, because I can't work in a live minefield. Perhaps, uh, there is some compromise. The sector where the trouble occurred... would the General permit the deactivation of sector 21? It would be a big help, General. Very well, do what you must. Strom, stand by. I'll be in my office. Yes, sir. You must forgive the general. I'm afraid he resents your being an American. I'm not. Oh. I see. Let's get started. I want to run some tests on the computer controls. How serious is it? I don't know yet. Jim, after Barney changes the programming of the computer, how long before the satellite is kicked out of orbit? It's due at 4:00 a.m. Reentry will take place near here somewhere over the South Adriatic. Then we might be able to see it. If we're on schedule. What about the bombs? They'll burn up on reentry along with the satellite. There won't be any explosion. No one, Inspector. The bed's not been slept in. Put me through to Arthur Norris' commanding officer-- it's General Bloch, First Military District. Well, Mr. Norris, are you having any success? Not yet, General. Hello? Yes, this is General Bloch. Inspector Koder. We've met. Oh, yes, Inspector. You conducted Arthur Norris' clearance investigation. I found it expedient to involve an agent of ours with him. Her name was Kathrine Berat, and she was found shot to death tonight in an alley near her apartment. But that's impossible. He's performing a vital service here. General, he killed a security agent. Don't you see? He could be tampering with the minefield, sabotaging it, or he could be planning to blow up the entire installation. Yes, of course, I understand. Right away. Arthur Norris, you are under arrest. What? But, General. Captain Strom, place this man under arrest. Guards! Strom, reactivate sector 21 . Oh, very well, sir. General, deactivate those mines, or you're liable to blow up this whole island. He is to be taken back to the mainland immediately under guard. Will you please tell me what this is all about? Mr. Norris, I think you know what this is all about. You're not only a traitor, you are -a murderer! -A murderer? ! Take him out! Well, who am I supposed to have murdered? Take him out! Well, Inspector, there is certainly no indication that Kathrine Berat was here last night. But we do know Norris was here because he responded to the telephone call from headquarters this morning. I will stay with my original thesis-- that he shot Kathrine in her apartment, carried her body out, and then took her purse to make it look like robbery was the motive. It would help if we had the murder weapon. We will find it. By the time we get through with him, he will be glad to tell us everything. I have never met him. Do you think he will break? I interviewed him shortly after his defection. A weak man, selfish. He will break. Never mind that now. Norris will be arriving at headquarters in 45 minutes. We'll send a team back after we have questioned him. Come on. Yes, sir. You heard it. Yes. Jim, if that Inspector Koder knows Norris, Paris will be finished as soon as he sees him. Yes. Uh, make sure they're gone, will you, Dana? Yeah. What about Barney, Jim? Well, if Paris is being flown back here, the chances are that Barney is trapped somewhere in the installation. Either trapped or dead. There isn't much time. If Paris and Barney aren't safe by the time that satellite goes at 4:00 a.m., we may not be able to help them. Doug? Doug, can you bring him around and make him think he's had a heart attack? Yeah, Jim. I have something in my bag, and we can do it without any permanent damage. They're gone. Lieutenant, you tell General Marin this whole place is liable to blow up if I'm not allowed to finish my work. All right, bring him along. What... what's happened to me? Arthur Norris, I want a full confession from you. What's wrong? Why did you kill Kathrine Berat? I didn't kill her. Inspector! Doctor, you stay out of this. You've got to let me help this man. You a doctor? You a doctor? -Doctor! -What is it? What is it? What's wrong with me? You had a heart attack. This man is dying. Doctor, you will not touch this man until he tells me what I wish to know. You did kill Kathrine Berat. No! Confess you killed Kathrine Berat. Yes. Yes, I killed her. Talk. Why? I... I... I found out she was... Ow... Doctor, help me. Talk! I loved her. I told... I told her too much, that I was going to Asia to work... for more money, and then I began... began to suspect that she was a plant, the Secret Police. So you shot her. What did you do with the gun? -I'm sorry... -Doctor, stay out! I asked you: what did you do with the gun? Good evening, Mr. Norris. I'm Detective Lieutenant Rab. Lieutenant, would you please tell me what I'm doing here? Uh, sit down, please. Take off his handcuffs. Lieutenant, I don't understand. You take me off of a vital job, and I don't even know who it is I'm supposed to have killed. Kathrine Berat. Kathrine Berat? But I love her. Yes, you loved her... until you shot her. Koder here. Arthur Norris is waiting. Good, I'm looking forward to seeing him again. What happened? Inspector Koder-- he fell down the stairs. You better get an ambulance. Any further difficulties? Not so far, General. Check the perimeter again. We can't be too careful. Yes, sir. Why did you kill Kathrine Berat? I tell you, I loved Kathrine Berat. But you knew she worked for the police. No, I didn't. She was a singer. That's all I knew or cared about. Did you see her last night? -Yes, I saw her. -Where? We had a drink. Where? In her apartment. You had a drink in her apartment. She made some slip telling you who she was, and that frightened you, because you must have compromised yourself to her, so you shot her. When I left her, she was perfectly all right. She said she was tired and she wanted to go to sleep. What time was that? I'm not sure. What were you doing between the time you left her and the time you got home? I was taking a walk. I like to take long walks. Lies, all of it lies. Oh, these ridiculous accusations. I defected to this country because I wanted some justice. Don't throw that up. You get no special privileges here for being a traitor. I asked for justice! Now, what proof do you have? Well, you had the motive. You had the opportunity. I said proof. Proof... Well... we have a witness. Bring her in. I see you know this young man. Yes, we know each other. Arthur... Sit down, please. Now, Miss Zadar, please repeat what you told Inspector Koder and myself. I'm sorry, Arthur. No matter what happens, I care for you. I love you. Believe me. If you love me, don't lie about me. Miss Zadar, tell us what you saw tonight. Yes. Outside Kathrine Berat's apartment... Arthur... with her body. He carried it out of the apartment and put it in his car. I followed him. And then he drove it to an alleyway a-a few blocks away and... and threw it there. Then he took her purse and he drove away. As you know better than anyone else, Mr. Norris, her story matches the facts exactly. I'm sorry, Arthur. You've got to believe me. All the time we spent together. All the promises we made each other. Promises? What were you doing outside Kathrine's apartment? I was going to find you. I told the inspector that... that I was going to tell you that we were through. That I was... going away. And to tell me that you were going away, you followed me to her apartment? Yes, I was afraid I wouldn't see you. Was that the only reason? Yes. Well, what other reason could there be? I wasn't jealous of her. Your life is your own. Those things that I... I say you were jealous. I say that you carried out the threat that you made yesterday afternoon on the phone. Oh, no, I never meant that. You said you were going to kill her, and you did. No! You say you love me, but because you couldn't have me, you killed her, and you were ready to see me executed for it! Inspector, stop him! Inspector, I am valuable to the state. This woman is a jealous murderess. -Arthur! -A murderess. A jealous murderess! -Arthur, stop it! -Now confess it! -Confess it! -Stop it! -l didn't mean to do this! -Confess it! I-I saw you come out of her apartment. But not with her body. Not with her body. Arthur... Arthur, please. Please help me. Now, what happened? I didn't want to hurt her. She-she came out, and I followed her. I just wanted to talk to her, Arthur. But you killed her, didn't you? You killed Kathrine. Yes, I killed her. The gun... where's the gun? Number 14, Victory Square. In-in the cellar, with the purse. Arthur, please, no. Arthur! Arthur! Guard. Please, Arthur... -Arthur, I love you! -Guard, take her out. Arthur, please, I love you. Please, Arthur, Arthur, please. Please, Arthur, I love you. Mr. Norris, you have my apologies. You must understand that I'm... I understand only that you've made a terrible mistake, and as a result, you've endangered your country's most important military installation. The minefield protecting the Satellite Control Center might blow up at any moment. Isn't there anything we can do? I don't know. Possibly, if I get through to the base by phone, there may still be time. I'll get you through. Strom here. Yes. Uh-huh, uh-huh. One... one moment, please. General, it's Detective Lieutenant Rab. They've exonerated Norris, and now he wants to speak with you. It's urgent-- about the minefield. General Marin here. Uh, Mr. Norris, I am... Yes, yes, yes, that's not important now. Have there been any further explosions? Anything irregular in the minefield? Good. What's important now is that you must save the base. I've had a chance to think about the problem. You must shut down sector 21 immediately. I'll arrange transportation to the base. Yes, immediately. Very well. Shut off sector 21 . Did you talk to the base? Yes, no further explosions, and they're shutting down sector 21 . That means Barney should be able to make it. That means Barney should be able to make it. The krauts came and made the old men dig up the potatoes. The potatoes were buried in a hole behind the village. The krauts poured petrol or something on them. My nephew tasted the potatoes and became ill. He didn't die of that. It happened later in January. Oh my god! Then they returned to the village. Quite a show started! They tried to drag our cow off the yard - but mother was strong and fearless. She grabbed a pitchfork and struck the village eldest, that creep. Mother was taken in for questioning but she was soon let off. She was hit with a baton. She was all black with bruises when she got home. They took all the foodstuffs. They did it to get people out of the villages - and to kill off the partisans. They didn't care much about what would happen to us. I still have dreams about it. I see my brother and my sister and my friend. Somer things to reminisce about. Wearing glasses. Eat on, crook. Chess pieces and all. Suffocating. Officer... not too old. Fox fur on the shoes. They'd fit you. Shut up! End of the road, crook! Ready! What are you looking at, leery-eyes! Fire! Let 'em have it! Oh shit! That's our Rosa! Where are you going, Rosa? Are you living alone in an empty village? I'll live until I drop dead. Is your husband on the front? - He fled. He's probably on the Volga by now. Now it won't be any easier for him there. Haven't you anyone else to talk with? I don't need your pity. A death patrol will come tomorrow with more pity. Damn it! I'll show you yet! Why are you loafing around here! You bring me food rations, petrol or flour! You stop me from dying from hunger! What are you looking at, poor devil? Go to hell! I never asked you to step inside my house. H? nde hoch! Drop your rifle. No tricks! I'll let the air off you! It'l feel cold lying in the dirt. Get up! Take it! Here you go! Move it! Hey listen, don't tell the command that you returned my rifle. Did you hear me? Keep chopping wood but don't get married. They blew up the petrol. The cows got scared and scattered in different directions. You can't catch them. Who? - The Avdejev brothers, Kulikov ja Suhorut? kov. It's a pity. - Pity the cows for escaping. Look at that, Mitka has caught a Fritz. He gave himself up and gave his rifle. A former junior sergeant of the Red Army. Aleksandr Lazarev. The poor kid didn't know enough to take everything. You surrendered but hid a pistol just in case. Get a move on! They have machine guns. Why did you bring him here? You should have shot him in the forest. The kid thinks he'll be decorated. As soon as peace comes. Order! Hello, comrade woman. We'll meet again, God permitting. Well, God's own, tell me your story. But no lying. It gives me headache. Could I have some tobacco? I lost my own. No, you can't. There's not enough for ourselves. So, who are you? - I already told you, a junior sergeant. Former. So you went over to the German side? That I did. Why were you in the forest? - Looking for partisans. I wanted to surrender. Did you do something disallowed on their side? - I wanted to come here. Look at that! A defector with an ideology. First there, then here. You chose the wrong path. A miscalculation. I didn't choose. The path found me. Sweet Jesus that Asian can wail. It breaks my heart. Could someone continue on foot? The gelding is all exhausted. Just sit. One more question. How were you captured? It's a long story. - No hurry. Tell me. Pitk? tarina. - Ei hoputeta. Kerro. We broke out of a siege in August. We'd been walking for ten days. We came to a village and entered it. We were mad from hunger. The Germans came while you were getting warm. You were drowsy. - How did you know? It happens, I've heard. You have a right not to believe. We have a right to judge you in the name of the people you betrayed. I'm leaving you in the spring. I'm an artillery man. A rifle isn't enough for me. Hey neighbour, got a cigarette? No. Nervous? All right. They promised to blast some holes into me too tomorrow. What for? I'm only eighteen. I don't know anything about life. What is it? Give me vodka, you partisan louse! I'm entitled to a last drink! Come on, you sleaze! Stop screaming or I'll beat you up so bad you won't recover for the morning! Listen, my aunt made me do it. She told me to enlist as a policeman to get food rations. I was going to live quietly. But we were sent to the neighbouring village. There three komsomols told me to shoot. I told them I can't do it. But they said: "Shoot or stand against the wall yourself." Should I have stood against the wall? Did I let the krauts in? Tomorrow I'll be shot. I wish they had been forced! I feel sick. And you don't say a word. Say something. How were you caught? I came by myself. Moron! You'll hang tomorrow. Oh, why'd my aunt force me. Aching, eh? I saw some great felt boots on a Fritz today. I couldn't shoot. The felt boots looked great. I was thinking, how will we get to the station. It hurts my head. Before the war I knew a doctor, a powerful woman. She could get snake poison just like that. I met her at the stadium. The basques were on. What a game! What were they playing? - Football. Ever seen it? Of course. The kids played it at the village. You're a poet. They even write poems about football. It's a complicated game. - An artform in itself. Tell me, where was your wife - when you were watching football with the healer? At home. She doesn't like football. She even made my son quit, even though he played well. He'd be a champion by now. I can't take those bastards prisoner. It breaks my heart remembering. I strike their teeth in. I kill them even if they're already dead! Calm down. Anger is all right as long as you don't lose your head. Life is hard and war is miserable. Sleep, you're only dreaming. Listen, who won back then? We did. Good. What? Hitler sat in the storage room and cried. Vasjok! What time is it? Vasjok! Punishment patrol! Forward! Quick! Forward! No procrastinating! I'm not worried. Fire! Oh my god! Mother, please let me go! Don't do it! All head for the swamp! Everyone to the swamp! At whose mercy did you leave us? My beloved... We might've gotten some more time to live. Out! Where to? Move it, wretches! Run! Stop! Don't leave there standing! Butterfingers. Where's the other one? - He's standing there. Take him to the bush and finish him. What's wrong? Hold on. I haven't examined the case yet. It's no use waiting. He'll escape in the fog. - No, he won't. Did he give his word of honour? - Oh, please. He came to stay. What'd he do to you? He took my rifle but gave it back. - What's that? When I chanced upon him in the forest. He could have killed me. What about it? He didn't give a shit about you! What a soldier, relinquishing his gun. - Get out of my sight. Don't let him out of your sight or I'll rip your head off! Brat. - Let it be. March! Move it, you filthy bastard! Citizen Senior Lieutenant, as I already told you, - if I had taken part in the shootings, I wouldn't have come. Give me a rifle. Citizen Senior Lieutenant, I want to fight. Your fatherland already gave you a rifle, but you threw it away. I wasn't the only one. It's you we're talking about. One more question. Tell me, former Sergeant, - why didn't you leave Karnouha earlier? What were you waiting for? Have you been there? - I don't care. Two left. They were caught and beaten to death. Oh please. How dare you pressure me! Enough of sentimetality. Guards at the station towers, are they ours or Germans? It varies. Our guys are in and krauts at the command. Is there a way to get to the train - besides through the command post? I don't know. I guess not. They bring in foodstuffs from the whole area. - I know it. Listen... Could you get to the train? Yes I could. - On what grounds? They know my face. Listen, how did you... escape Karnouha? I got a weeks leave. I took a train to Pskov and jumped off it. What if you arrived at Karnouha tomorrow? Could you do it without drawing too much attention? I'm not returning. - Why not? I won't live as a traitor. I'd rather have you shoot me. It was all right earlier, eh? I broke down. I wanted to live. Can't a man start over once - after making a mistake the first time? Lazarev... Before the war I was a police chief near here. In a district of seven villages. Guess how many of these stories I've heard. About people toiling to get a decent life. Right? Ptuha! Have you been fed? Ptuha, take the former Sergeant to the kitchen to get fed. What is it? I said I'd find myself a younger bather. I was told to give him food. There isn't enough food for humans. - Commander's orders. And a drink to go with it! Hello! Don't stay there. Viktor, give him a spoon. Go. If it had been me who found you in the forest... Scoundrel! What? Viktor! Too bad we didn't meet. Viktor, don't. It's no use. Do you pity him? Hang the bastard! Stop it at once! What's happening here? It doesn't take courage to beat up a prisoner. You shall report to Lokotkov and tell him everything. Hitler is driving in a car through Berlin. No one salutes him and he gets upset. Suddenly he sees a soldier in the middle of a square. He salutes and Hitler drives closer, happy. " Who are you and where are you from?", Hitler asks. " From the Eastern front." "You'll be decorated for your attitude." "I've got no attitude." "I'm merely showing you how deep in shit we are in Russia." You guys are all skin and bones. Looking at you makes a man go for the bottle. One more joke. Hitler came to a madhouse. where loonies live. Here. - Stay on the door and let no one enter. Friends and comrades! Now you'll eat and sleep like in a rest-home. You'll get potatoes, too They're frozen, though. You should at least look a bit like the krauts. Krauts are nowadays roddy and voluptuous. You'll eat and sleep for a few days. There's tobacco. Maybe you'll recover. Go for it! What about you? They're not for me. Only you'll eat them, and only here Petka Sankov got killed for these sardines. I didn't mean it that way... Just so you understand. Let's get married. We'll ask Lokotkov to marry us. We'll do that. I'm a womanizer, though. - And you can't kiss! Shall I teach you? - Please do. Viktor! Solomin! Are you here? - Yeah! Lokotkov asks for you. - I'll be right out. Now, he said. - Get out! What is it? - Nothing. Keep sleeping. Get up! Get up! Let's go. To where? - To where we need to go. Where's that? - To a New Year's party. Should I take my greatcoat? Yes. You got scared, didn't you? Why so scared? Are you kidding? Solomin! Where are you going? - Taking Junior Sergeant Lazarev to a checkup. Who sent you? - Lokotkov. You? - Jerofeit? too. Go. Be careful with him! - Sure. Where are you from? - What? I asked you where you come from. - Sverdlovsk. That's where our interpreter is from. What did you do for a living? - Drove a taxi. Go and ask for a ride. - I know. Move it. Remember I'll shoot at once. Don't try anything. I'll say, it's in vain. - Let him show it in a real situation. Mister officer, wait! What is it, you fool? Just a second! I... Take it easy. Let him handle it. - In vain, all right! Why didn't you shoot? The kraut was closer to you. Give me a hand. Lift the leg. Scared again? You're brave. - Brave or not, I didn't get caught. The war won't stop tomorrow. - Nor did it start yeasterday. Quiet! Ready. Works like a charm. Quick! Herbert, what are you doing? Herbert! Jerofeit? , search the men! Where did it hit you? In the back? Control. Guardpoint inspection. Short o. In Estonia all the krauts talk like this. - Listen to her. We haven't had a chance to learn, but she's been to a university. Vasja, keep you r mouth shut there. You work the engine. What an officer! One can't make a kraut out of you. He has a decent pronunciation. - But the gaze of a cow. Sew in the stripes. My stomach is full and I want to sleep. When I see a fascist, the cow's gaze is gone. Who else is coming? - None of your business. I'm coming. Are you so busy to get to hell? Don't stretch the O. It'll be all right. Did you grab the papers? - I did. Lazarev, what is your first name? - Aleksandr. Forgive me. I did a foul thing. - It's all right. What? Stop! Viktor! We seized a car that runs. It's hidden in the snow in the forest. How was Lazarev? - Good. Didn't try to escape. I see. Go get yourself warm. Did you know Solomin struck Lazarev last evening? No, I didn't know. How'd Solomin die? - We thought a kraut was dead. But he came to himself and fired. Where were you? - Searching the prisoners. My back was turned and I din't see it. Otherwise I'd have knocked him. Where was Lazarev? - In the car, looking for the papers. So you didn't see the German shoot? - Who else? Answer the question! Did you see it or not? I did not see it directly. Maybe someone else shot at Solomin? - Who then if not a German? Answer me! Did you see the German shoot? No I didn't, but... How can you be sure if you didn't see it? Huh? - How can you be certain of something you didn't see? I'm leaving. - I didn't give you permission. If you didn't see the German shoot, - can't we, in theory, assume it was someone else who shot? Answer me! Yheoretically yes, only theoretically. We can therefore assume Lazarev killed him. I don't know... Please, Comrade Major. That's outrageous. Stand up when you address your superior! Your checkups aren't worth on single penny! I don't believe in them! All kinds of opportunists - take advantage of wimps like you! Don't you worry about it, Major! Loves me, loves me not, believes me, believes me not. Let the maidens guess their luck when the war is over! As the section commander I'm in charge here - according to my Party-following conscience, excuse me! You want to display goodness when lives are at stake! I won't allow it! That got principled. The Major is very strict. He's hero material, of course. But what will come of it? You found him in the forest, half-dead. You showed him your favours but look at him! Think of it back there on the bridge! Understand it if you can. He's no derelict, that Lazarev. Give in to the Major anyway, to calm him down. Are we playing with game pieces here? - That's right! He'll tarnish your name for ever! Stand up when you addrress your superior. What? - Stand up! Go to hell, I've had enough of you. It's all in vain, let me say it. Why didn't you blow it up? - There's thousands of people in there. Miksette r? j? ytt? neet? - Siell? on tuhansia ihmisi? . Prisoners! - Russian prisoners of war. Shut up. An ammunitions train. - There'll be more. Do you think your wimpiness saves lives? They're our own! Some of them will return to our ranks. My son was shot down. He could have parachuted himself. But he chose another path and hit a string of tanks! Maybe he had no choice. You'll hear from me! I was supposed to blow up a bridge. Hit it, Solomin! January is approaching... SOLOMIN It happened in the morning, around ten o'clock. They got me a checkup job. Without the war we would never have met. Yes, the war has turned everything upside down. Before the war life was easy, no worries. Am I boring you? I drove a cab. Tidy job. Turn the wheel, collect the tips. At home you'd sew clothes and have a drink on payday. Everything as it should be. Boom and war. Do you understand me? - Yes I do. I don't care about politics. About the fascists, I only knew the song. "No fear of the fascists, I'll slay them with my bayonet." "Ei fasisteista pelkoa, pistimeen ne seiv? st? n." I thought I could take it. I was wrong. It wasn't until at the camp I undestood. Get it? Got tobacco? - Yeah. We had a tough spot with Ivan Jegorit? today. The Major wants your blood. He kept saying you shot Solomin. I wondered about it at the Major. I tol him you were a hero. Ivan Jegoryt? tried to calm him down as well. Told him to listen to the old charger. We saved you, don't worry. Give me some tobacco. Where'd you get it from? - Solomin. Brothers-in-arms already? - Just having a smoke. Arrest him! Arrest him! I'm giving the orders. Can't you hear me? Take him away. Sorry, buddy. Look at that, his ankles are busted. Hard snow cuts like a knife. Wanna put felt boots on a horse? Why not? The day after tomorrow they'll have to fly like a sparrow. Ylihuomenna niiden pit? lent? And if it's possible, just kill him. If you have bad luck, you may end up getting married. It's pretty, a present for your arrival. Really? Unni, you're the best! Why does a rich girl want a part-time job? I want to experience society, and maybe take in some bad influences. Sounds good. But, people keep looking at you. 'Cause they know who I am. Who are you? The landowner. I see, you're not pretty enough for people to be staring. How many buildings do you actually own? You wanted a part-time job, right? If you keep walking down, you'll reach the cafe where you'll be working part-time now. You know, right? Oh, of course I know. Up to there. What? You don't own a building, but an entire street? Why is it just you two? Team manager Choi is at the office, he said he wasn't hungry. A laborer doesn't eat because he's hungry. Did you guys run into trouble? Truthfully... What are you so obviously hiding? What is it? If you don't tell me now, you'll never be able to. So what do you want to do? Boss, can we have a drink? You know about the Bu Am Dong Gallery that manager Choi is in charge of, right? Team manager Choi was hit yesterday by a glass cup that a client threw at him. What? It's supposed to take two weeks to heal, but he told us not to tell anyone at the office. Manager Choi just gave birth to his third child. It's so difficult to- 2 weeks makes a lawsuit difficult, doesn't it? I'll make it even more difficult to live. Where are you going? He kept avoiding to pay by making up complaints about the design. I don't like this take that out, and every other word is a curse. Manager Choi tried to endure it, but blew up at him, telling him we weren't going to do it. And then he threw the cup. What business does you- Excuse me! You can leave. I didn't expect you to come all the way here. So what brings you here? It's been a while since we last saw each other, you've been well, right? Yeah, well... yeah. You must have some good cups, seeing as how they haven't been broken yet. You must throw them quite often, like this. Director Kim! What are you.. Why would you throw a cup at a person? Even if you miss the target, it's still dangerous. I know why you're doing this, but if you let emotions get the better of you, I can't work with you anymore. It's not that you can't work with me, it's that I won't. We don't do business with son of a bitches. Really... You think Hwa Dam is the only architecture firm in Korea? I wish that were the case, but a search on the internet will yield hundreds of results. But thankfully, in our business we don't particularly like assholes, who make up complaints in order to avoid paying? Gallery? Instead of that, why don't you buy a sketchbook and make a few drawings? Don't be a nuisance to the Korean art scene as well. Want to die? I'm sorry. The project was nearly complete only if I just endured it a bit longer- Do you know the reason you're paid less than I am? You're allowed to tattle about things like this and hide behind me. And I get paid more 'cause I take care of those things. We haven't received nearly 200 million in payments so- No matter what we're owed, you're worth 500 won more than that amount. 200 million five hundred. Why are you sacrificing yourself when you haven't even experienced bankruptcy? I've gone bankrupt three times! Thank you. And I'm truly sorry. I may order you to do work that's physically taxing, but I won't order you to do anything that'll tax you mentally. If you're sorry, work late today. From now on, working late is your destiny. Okay? Yes! What? I can't get paid? I really can't? It's nearly 200 million! You can't. Why did you have to rip up the contract right in front of him? Whatever! I'm hanging up! You call yourself a lawyer? Bring our contract with you, I'm going to rip it up! 200 million... 200 million! I thought you were going directly home from the site. I needed a few documents. The Seocho District Office has asked us to come in. The approval for Yang Jae Dong building has been put on hold. Why? I don't know. I'll give you a call when I get back. I need to stop by the house when Se Ra isn't there. You're the one, who won the architecture award, how could you only take the room measurements? Should I go instead? You don't even know the guy in charge. Not that, to Se Ra's house. You want to? You're making a big fuss about this one-year anniversary gift. What are you, a high schooler? You try dating. Work becomes so much more enjoyable. I'm counting on you. People here don't even ask who it is before opening the door. I got a call from Tae San. Were you waiting for Tae San? That's not what I'm saying. Se Ra isn't here. That's why I came. I heard you were here alone. I wondered if I suddenly stopped by, If I could see you come out after a shower. Do what you came here to do and leave quietly. What's wrong with you? Hey! Hey! If you're not going to break it immediately, Can I see you for a moment? What is it? You want to go up or hold it down? I'll hold it down. Are you that worried about me? What? Not the chair, hold the tape measure. You see the end, right? Put it against the floor. Alright. So what's troubling you? The computer. Should I take a look? It's fine. You should let me, you'll be thankful. I said it's fine. But how much longer do I have to hold this? Until before. Asshole. Is it still like this if you reboot? I have certification too. If you're going to tell me to reformat, put that mouse down. Computers get like this if you watch too much porn. What did you say? Why don't you give me a glass of this too? [Your last session closed unexpectedly. You can restore the tabs and windows from the previous session, or start a new session. ] [Restore tabs from previous session] What are you doing? What is it? Are you crazy? Have you gone insane? What do you think you're doing? Coffee is dark, so I thought it would hide it. Why would you fix it, and then pour coffee over it? Are you angry with the monitor right now? What else? What? The bikini? What about the bikini? I uploaded it so people would see. In order to wear that, I cried more than the screech owl since spring. 'Cause I was hungry. Do you know how much attention I put into the angles as well? What are you going to do about this? I want a reimbursement immediately! Why are you laughing? What are you so pleased about? I'll buy you another computer as soon as I can. But we're going to have to specify the cause and effect. What cause and effect? Sex is a part of education, so you must know about it, right? A healthy man's night is different from that of a healthy woman. S... so? Don't fall into a one-sided love, Don't meet other women, Yet you won't let me lay a hand on you, and this is the end result. From a woman with beautiful collarbones like this. I'll be leaving now. Wait for my call. And pick up when I do. When someone's leaving shouldn't you... Leave, hurry. While I'm alive, I won't leave this room. I don't want to go, but I will. If I stay any longer, I think I'll do something bad. What are you doing here? I wanted to buy a laptop for someone. What about you? Me? I was just passing by, and the lights were on. Did she see your porn files and destroy your computer? Why is it that my wife hates those baseball videos? What a joke... Leave those masterpieces in your heart. My heart isn't in HD. What are the graphics specifications on this? Good morning. What brings you here this morning? If you're bored, go play with your friends. I didn't come because I was bored. Close your eyes for just five seconds. What? I'm sorry, I just need a minute. Oh, you had a guest? Can't you tell? She's not a guest, come in. It's about the Go Jok case. Until last March, this company was Listed on the stock exchange. That means the other side will apply special law precedence and try for resolution through the Securities Exchange Laws. Until that happens, there's nothing we can do. And the client acknowledged it as well. Check all the files after March and instead of the securities exchange laws... She reeks of perfume. Commercial law... I'll buy you dinner. Work hard. You too, lawyer Kang. Is she actually a lawyer? If a lawyer doesn't know the law, how can they keep order? How about you stop taking up my time? Other women take up all your time. Just give me five seconds, I won't even ask for a minute. What are you going to do for five seconds? You spend five minutes on your hoobae, and you can't even waste five seconds on me? Even though we've known each other for over ten years? So what is it? I won't kiss you; I won't touch a hair on your head. You have exactly five seconds. Five seconds have passed. How can I know the exact span of five seconds? Today's schedule... what did you do? I didn't do anything. Did you want me to do something? Aren't you leaving? I need to work. Hurry and go. It's not as if I'm lazing about. From now on I also work. Work? Starting today, I'm also a part time worker. What? You do know what it says on car side mirrors, right? Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Me Ah Ri, too. Don't you dare eat with lawyer Kang. Starting from today, I'll be working here. I'm Im Me Ah Ri. Why are you looking at me? She's introducing herself. This is a joke, right? She's pretty, young, and has studied overseas. Why? What? Is that not enough? No, but, how should I say it... it doesn't suit my management philosophy. I think an outstanding CEO screens personnel carefully looking in detail at education, living location, and family. You can do that starting next time. Right. Good to see you, Me Ah Ri, let's get along together well. Good luck to you. She said good luck to you, good luck to you! Is there a threat that's scarier than that? Me Ah Ri is a living CCTV! Whenever I talk to a woman, It's as if she's recording me with red lights in her eyes. On air! I wouldn't have expected that from her, but this is a bit too much. Right? I mean, it is true that you're a scumbag, But she didn't have to go that far. Is having money everything? How could she... There's no conviction behind anything I'm saying. It sound fake starting from, "is having money everything?" You bastards... It doesn't matter as long as you're innocent, so what's the problem? Why is there no problem? There's no reason I should be innocent. You take scumbag to a whole different level. Let's go. Why are you going? I'm going to file a restraining order against you, why? Tae San isn't here yet, I'm going to complain to him. Tae San is meeting Ms. Hong. You take care of Me Ah Ri yourself. How can you do this? Are you really going to do this? Hey, I'm saying this all for your sake. The last guy to sell me out lived just 7 months after that! Hey, did you hear me? Are you not in a good condition today? Was it an off day at the range? It's always an off day. There are only couples here. We're a couple too, the most special couple out of them all. Why? Aside from us, every guy is holding the girl's bag. Even if I die, I won't do that. I wouldn't order you to do that. A bag completes a woman's outfit. A woman who carries a nice bag Would never ask her boyfriend to carry it for her. And this is why I love you. Aren't you tired of me? Haven't you ever wanted to break up with me? Of course I did, I stopped counting after the 44th time. So why didn't you break up with me. Hong Se Ra, is spring having some kind of effect on you? Why? Do you want to break up with me? There's no saying that you don't have another woman in your heart. Don't you know me even after having looked at, heard, and touched me? If there was a woman I liked enough to hold in my heart, Why would I hesitate? I would break up with you. What? At the very least, I wouldn't cheat on you behind your back. Medicine or sickness, make up your mind. What time are you getting off work? I want to be with you today. Really? That's a problem... We can't go to my place 'cause of Me Ah Ri. Come to my place. Stress from the upcoming competition, Makes the thought of getting all dressed up irritating. Yi Soo's there. Yi Soo isn't there; she's on a two-day hiking trip. I'll stop by the agency and be there soon. Okay. My brother-in-law suddenly said he's bringing home his fiancée. I can't believe this. You're not on your way yet, right? That's a relief. A relief? Really... Why is she only telling me now after I've made all the preparations? Is she kidding me? [That's such a relief^^ it's such a shame. ] Are you Seo Yi Soo? I haven't ordered anything. Im Me Ah Ri... Im Me Ah Ri sent you this. You're going to be wearing this yourself, right? Excuse me? If my teacher says she's not going to wear it, dress her yourself. I can't believe this kid. What did she send? Oh my gosh... She wants me to wear this? Really... I'm sorry Yi Soo. Se Ra said you were on a hiking trip, Well then, later... No, no, please come in. I was just on my way out. So that's why you're dressed like that... Oh, yes... I was originally supposed to go hiking, But I got a call that my brother-in-law is introducing his fiancée, So I'm going to a party instead. Oh my, I'm late. Please tell Se Ra that I won't be coming back tonight, That I'll be sleeping over. With your brother-in-law? Yes. No! With my sister-in-law. Well then, Tae San, work har- I'll be going. Work hard... I did work hard. So embarrassing. What did I do? What did I do? What do I do now? Welcome. Welcome. It's the first welcome I've received after coming to Korea. Is there a particular style you're looking for? Something that sticks to the basics? This. A size 28 in Japan is 280, right? A membership card? Yes. According to the amount of your purchase, Points will accumulate on your card, and if you have a girlfriend, you can use it together. Should I make one for you? Yes, please do. I think I'm going to be staying a while in Korea. Please wait a moment. What's the hottest club in Kang Nam now? Nice, it's really good. Really? What's with you? Is something on your mind? Let's just go out. Why? It's not as if you live by yourself. I don't live alone, but this is my house. What is it that's bothering you? I ran into Yi Soo while I was coming in. And it just didn't feel right. It didn't help that I probably looked like a creep waiting for her to leave. It felt like she left because of us, and I feel kind of bad about that. What's wrong with feeling a bit bad? Let's go out, we can get something good to eat. Do you realize that you're worrying more about Yi Soo than me? You don't care whether I'm stressed out or tired. You want to leave because you're embarrassed in front of Yi Soo? Since when has Yi Soo been so important to you? That's not what I'm saying. I know you're stressed out because of your competition, and I get that you're feeling a lot of pressure. So I understand why you're complaining to me. But Yi Soo is your friend. Acting like that to a friend makes you look petty. Petty? I'll be going. If I stay any longer, we'll just end up fighting. If you leave now, it's over. Rest, you look tired. Yeah, teach? What did you do to me? I'm in a whole lot of trouble because of the clothes you sent me, So come here immediately with taxi fare! Did the dress arrive? Did you try it on? It's really pretty, right? It's so pretty that about a hundred people are staring at me, So come here right now! I'm busy, just come over to my house, I'll go out with the money. Where is your house? Thank you. This is... your house? You live here? I thought your parents owned a shop. So you really are from a wealthy family. Did you come here to visit my family? That's my brother's car. I thought he was with Se Ra unni. Why is he here? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? It's a bit late to avoid him. What are you doing here? That's... I'm going to the party with Me Ah Ri. Oh. What are you doing? Hurry and get ready, we're going to be late. Wait here. But why are you here? Oh. I came to pick something up. I left behind a bottle of wine Se Ra wanted to drink. Well, then... Dammit! This is your fault, what is this? How is this my fault? This is all because of the clothes that you sent me. Why is it that whenever I'm with you, something always goes wrong? Where should I take you? You're paying, so you decide. Really? I'm going where I want to go. In my second year of high school she was... Someone I came to know while playing hooky. Noona, you're my style. Hey, she's been staring at me the entire time. Sorry, but neither of you are my style. You're exactly the style of my students. I love this song; let's go out! So he lives... in that kind of house. Where's Me Ah Ri? She left after giving some guy her number. Left where? Don't know. We see each other again. In contrast to your job, You seem to get involved in a lot of unexpected things. Stealing a car, coming to a club... I know I'm pretty, but unfortunately, I have a ton of students exactly like you. So go play somewhere else. Where are you? Is there no one out there? Why isn't it opening? There's someone in here, is there no one outside? Hello? There's someone in here, is there no one outside? Is there no one out there? Please help me, is there no one there? What is it? Please help me. The door is jammed so I'm stuck here. It won't open. I'm sorry, but could you call an employee over? Get away from the door. What? Get as close to the wall as you can, you might get hurt. Aren't you coming out? Right... You could've just called someone over, why... I'm in a hurry as well. Oh... Is that the earphone guy from the plane? Come out to the entrance with 30 thousand won. I'm leaving. Are you a high school student? A runaway? A trip. Oh... That was him. Then he's a high schooler? That punk! Hey, kid. Guess you remember me. Yeah, I do, what's a high schooler doing in a place like this? You were drinking too, right? I have a lot of pent up feelings. Come here, give me your parent's phone number. Our fateful meeting ends here. Stop, attention! We'll probably see each other again, if it's in our fate. Hey, stop right there, you better stop! The number you are calling can't be reached... Im Me Ah Ri... I can't call Se Ra, and Tae San is with Se Ra. Calling Yoon would be a nuisance, and Ms. Park... no, not her. [Flowering Person] [Seo Yi Soo] What is it? Well, that is... where are you right now? Have we already progressed to that kind of relationship? That's not what I meant. What are you going to do about my monitor? This late at night, all of a sudden, That's what you're worried about? If it's alright with you, instead of replacing my computer, I was thinking of making another offer. What is it? I'm at the intersection in Shin Sa Dong. I'm in a bit of a messy situation right now. Instead of replacing my computer, I'd like to make you the tempting offer of picking me up. It's not very tempting. I'm in a really difficult situation right now! So I should come pick you up. Well, since you're asking... Yes, that's what it is. What to do? I'm busy right now. How desperate must I have been to call you? I'm all alone, don't have money and the night's getting longer. I find this all ridiculous as well. The woman you're in a one-sided love with, Is standing in the street without a cent like a hooker! Don't you feel bad? Get in the car of the guy with the most money. Hello? Hello? What the hell? Is he coming or not? It was nice to meet you, lawyer Kang. We should see each other more often. Yes, it was nice to meet you. Lawyer Choi is a great guy, you know that, right? Stop saying nonsense. Hurry and go back in. You stop pushing others away for no reason. Lawyer Kang, fighting! Go. What about your car? I called a driver. A woman by herself? That doesn't sound like such a good idea. But... That woman... or should I say kid? Can I ask who she is? A kid I've watched over since the moment she was born. I remember her checkered preschool uniform, and the memory of her wearing heels for the first time, and trying to act like a woman is still fresh in my mind. You called a driver, right? Yes. Go. Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translator: csnrain Spot Translator: meju Timer: geegee Editor/QC: minnie Coordinators: ay_link, mily2 You must be quite comfortable. You acknowledged my sexiness. Thank you, for you. Kim Do Jin, is that you? Can I come in for a moment? You know I love you, right? What do you take me for? Let's fight it out today. Why did you call? No! Don't check it. Right now, this is more important to you. It's a man, a man. Come on. Hand it over. Really! You can't trust me at all! Pull out the SIM card. Who is it? The guy who rescued me at the club. If she met him at the club, he can't be a weird kid. When you come to me, wear these. On a nice day, wearing something pretty. What? Yi Soo's twenty-second man was you, and it still is. I know it was a mistake, but it's so clear in my head. If that's the problem, let's do this then. Korea, compared to other countries in the world, has the most demanding consumers. Therefore, maintaining a sense of individualism, along with the basics is most important. You're not wrong. However, the progressive (modern) is more attractive than the traditional. And the definition of a sense of individualism must also include a sense of duty, which seems to be the trend the generation desires. What are you talking about? So, who is your most favorite among them? ! Of course, it's Tae Yeon! (of The Girl's Generation) The steady seller eventually becomes the best seller. Yuri is the law. Being sexy is the world's common language. Talking BS. Right? You don't have the 'eye'. Tiffany is the best! A girl, no matter what, must have a pretty smile. Haven't you seen Tae Yeon's smile? She sings the best, too! Yuri is playing in a TV drama. Also how awesome her dance is! Pathetic men, really. Aren't you embarrassed? Care about the country as much as you do for them! Caring about Girls' Generation is caring about the country! Haven't you heard about K-Pop wave? Of course! Now, to increase the credibility of the country is... It's Soo Young. Oh, man! From now on, I'm all about Soo Young. What will I do....? To run to get her autograph, we're too close to our office. Why don't you go for me...? Where did Yoon go? You're Soo Young, right? Oh, hello. You're so pretty. Thank you. Excuse me, may I have your autograph? Yes. Just a minute. Here... I'm Choi Yoon. Choi Yoon? I like you, Soo Young, most among Girl's Generation. Oh, thank you. No, no, no, no, no... Gee, gee, gee... Thank you. I'm a big fan. I'm really your fan. You're so good. 1... 2... A Gentleman's Dignity Episode 5. Do I have to pick up after her? Oh! Really! Why is it here? I didn't think I'd see you at a baseball field. It's because I'm the main event for today's ceremony. Unlike your looks, you're also a main character in a charming romance. Oh. You too, Do Jin, I didn't think I'd see you at the baseball field either. They said there's a lot of pretty girls at the baseball field. There's a cheerleader. There are also other girls who work too. Did you come to see Yi Soo? Not exactly, but it's not like I won't see her. Go. Blue Cat is at bat in the first inning. Fighting! 836? Today's the best. Are you uncomfortable? No, I just... I didn't know it before, but ... I think those two match well. When this ends, let's go eat. Do Jin and I... Tae San and Yi Soo. Sure. Hey. Why is a girl's driving like that? That's why I drive a nice car. Let's go in. Why? You're not coming in? Oh, here! Sit next to Tae San. Pardon? I want to sit and face Tae San. Do you mind being next to me? Ah, I'm too charming! Sit. Thank you. It's nice to sit next to a beauty, but the view isn't great. I took the liberty of ordering the food. How'd you feel about watching me play baseball? The number on your back was memorable. This girl fell in love with a look from my backside! You pay for the food. I really want to pay, but ... It might be looked like a bribe. Then Seo Yi Soo can buy, so that there's no misunderstanding. Yes, well... Today, I'll pay. I only ordered one bottle of wine because the men have to drive. I think I'm going to drink a lot today. It's okay, right? Me? Well.. Be a wine buddy for my Se Ra. Drink a lot, I'll piggyback you. Now that there's a girl cheering for me, my swing is different. Ah~, My batting average might go up 40% ! Today you hit 3 out of 4. Your batting was the best. After all, Yi Soo understands me. Do you memorize all the players' batting averages for every game? Is that an umpire's job? Pardon? I'm just asking because I don't know much about baseball. Because I'm naturally an ace, there's no way not to know. But, don't you think recently that she looks like a girl who likes someone? I'm actually dying to know, but I wasn't able to ask. Who is it? Is it a secret? Later. Let's talk about it later, just two of us. Should we toast? Why are you making a mystery into something to celebrate? Who is it? Does that man play baseball too? That man doesn't play baseball. The man you're curious about is me. What? You guys are going steady? No! The person whom I like is a different person. You've seen him, too. Who, the guy you got caught with by me a long time ago, or the guy I saw at your place a few days ago? Both of them. In fact, I used to play around. No, you're kidding. It's not a joke. I saw both of them. Se Ra also saw him. Did that guy come to your place, too? Well, her friends come sometimes. I'm okay with that. I'm okay even if you have complex relationships with men. Anyway, since both of them are not interested in you, Teacher Seo. So, stop thinking about those guys. It's ok for you to like me. Let's start with me. Are you now confessing? I confess whenever I see her. Let's go. You're blushing. Don't forget your purse. I'll leave first. Then, excuse us. I'll take care of the bill. Why on earth... are you always such an ill-mannered and overboard person? Overboard? Weren't you aware? Weren't you aware that I just saved you? Save me? Isn't it correct that you just made me into a complete two-timer and a playgirl? Isn't it correct that you are the one who really wants to hide her crush? Or, actually do you want them to find it out? What are you talking about? Usually, a persons's field of vision is about 160 degrees, but you, Seo Yi Soo, continuously track Im Tae San from 1 degree to 160 degrees. From the baseball field to here. Wasn't it a secret that you wanted to take to your grave? Then, you shouldn't get caught and shouldn't do anything that would get you caught. Perhaps, you have already been caught. Let me ask you one thing. Not as a man who has a crush on you, but as a man who knows your crush. You must have had some opportunities, so why haven't you confessed to him even once? Are you worried about hurting Hong Pro? Or, about hurting yourself? What is it? What is it? Why are you staring like that? Look at the TV. Just. I just turned it on. Of course. You probably can't see it. Your mind must be busy. What do you mean? You were confessed to, by Do Jin, earlier. You received a dramatic confession. Wouldn't it be weird to be nonchalant? It's not like... that. Why are you so shy about it? It's not as if the two of you dating would be that big of a scandal. Why? Are you two siblings? Or is Kim Do Jin not enough? Is he not too much for you? It's true that I don't deserve him. But to me, he's not enough. Really? I learned something I didn't know today. Exactly whom would you take in place of Kim Do Jin, I'm very curious. What kind of immature... Ah, no. I have another person I like. Im Maeahri Im Tae San? Why aren't you opening the door if you're in? Ah, you scared me. What are you doing in another person's house? Ah, to get something. Uh, I left a cherished tee. Why do you cherish my business competitor's tee? Huh? And even Tae San's tee. It's the design. What are you doing in another person's house? Is Tae San a stranger? Is this house's owner not in yet? Isn't Tae San at the office? Not him. Maeahri? Why? Did something happen to Mae Ah Ri? If there is, then? Why? Do you have a stake in Mae Ah Ri? You scared me! What are you doing? In a house without its owner? Oppa. Who was that 'girl' just now? It's a 'girl' you don't have to know. But what are you doing in my house? Can you come in the room for a sec? Along with that affable girl just now. What are you going to do in my room? Oppa just has something to say. -To me? -To her? Let's assume... we will close the room door. What is it? That you want to talk about? Write 'real'. What did you say? Also write 'dazzling '. Are you making me spell? It's a very important matter. Hurry! Is that it? What's your favorite song? Give me two titles. "I Have No Heart." "Be Mine." Why? Right. It's you! What is? There's nothing for you to know. But from your dear teacher, did you hear something that's related to me? The two of you went to a hotel. Something like that? Is your dear teacher's lips always so light? (As in she doesn't keep secrets well.) At that age, it's not such a big thing. Fine, whatever. But what tone did she say it in? Was it 'I went to the hotel'? Somewhere in between? It's exactly in the middle? Ah, you closed the door shut just to ask me that? I came home ... Do you know what a great opportunity it is for Yoon oppa to be in my living room? Fine. I'm going to give you a good proposition. What I want is simple. Your high school graduation album. Why my graduation album? It won't be something you want to lose. Really. Done talking. Wait. You know that Yoon and I live together, right? And? What if you know my house's password? What's the password? It's the same as your house. The four of us are all the same. What is that? But you didn't know. Once I find what I want, I'll return it. What exactly are you going to do with it? I'm done talking. Hm? I have nothing to talk about. Let's go. You're going? Ah, why? Leave after a while. Yeah, play and come. Shut up. Hurry out. Oh, right. The lamp in my room went out. Can't you change it for me? If it flickers, it'll be bad for the eyes. Turn off the light and sleep early. I have to feel tired to sleep. Tell Tae San to do it when he comes. My brother can't do any of that at all. Your brother is more of an expert than I am. Oh... That's right. My, my. Even using your head of all things is a technique. There are many philosphies. 'What does this mean? ' like that. I'm going. So unlucky. Are you going somewhere? To practice? As early as this? It's not even 6 yet. If I go late, the reporters come in and annoy me. Don't push yourself. If your body's not good, then you can't demonstrate your skills. I don't know if there's even a skill to demonstrate. Ah. There's something I was curious about. About the number on Tae San's back. Why is it 836? Isn't it usually 2 digits? It's Yogi Berra and his number combined. 8 plus 36. In community baseball, they sometimes do that. Is that so? Tae San's position is catcher and fourth batter. You know Lee Seung Yup, right? Yogi Berra is the major league's legendary catcher. Because Tae San has loved him since he was little... I don't really know ... who is Im Tae San's girlfriend. I'm off. Tae San is a good person. For me, 20 seconds was enough. A while ago, just some guy. Really, you. Towards Tae San, you're a bad girl. Manager, you have a guest. Tae San's not here... He's at the site now. That's why I'm here. I came to talk about something that Tae San can't know. A friend's girlfriend is dangerous. Have a seat. Since we're both busy, let's skip discussing the weather and making small talk. That's good. I think the man Yi Soo likes does play baseball. I don't think it's you, Do Jin ssi. But because you gave her an alibi, you made it so that it'd be weird if I had kept asking. You put me in a very uncomfortable position. Oh, no. You're not the man Yi Soo likes, right? Why don't you try finding a more effective method instead of wasting time here. For example, love Tae San more. I do love him. More than you do now. Seo Yi Soo's friend whom I met before at your house, I don't think he's Seo Yi Soo friend. It's not that I don't understand your situation, but if Seo Yi Soo had wanted to interfere in your relationship, would you have merely been in an uncomfortable situation? Don't tell Yi Soo that I came here. Or that I know. Alright. I can't tell who is Im Tae San's girlfriend. Teacher Seo, you don't have a class 4th period either? No. I don't have one on Tuesdays. Me too. That's great. We can continue to eat together then. Yes. Dong Hyub's in your class again. What bad luck. I'll need to make it a good connection. You're so kind. And pretty. Next Wednesday, I'm supposed to go hiking with Teacher Choi and Teacher Kang. For 1 night and 2 days. I'll let you come too. Aren't you excited? It's a weekday. For 1 night and 2 days? It's the school's Founding Day, so the school is closed. Since you didn't know that, you must not have any plans! How should we go there? Car pooling is the most comfortable, right? Then let's go in your car. Oh, hey You have 2 hiking jackets, right? Pink and orange? The pink one's not a hiking jacket, but a winter jacket. If you wear it while hiking, it's a hiking jacket! I'm going to borrow that, okay? Why does the food taste so good? You should eat a lot too. Keep the fact I like you so much a secret from the other teachers! Teacher, what do you think of this dress? It's perfect for you! Who is it? Did you get a boyfriend? No. I don't know if you'll remember. But do you remember Im Meahri from the all-girl Kangil High School? I was her homeroom teacher for 2nd year and you were her homeroom teacher for her 1st year. Of course I know, that rich family's daughter. She's not from a rich family. Meahri's parents both just run a business. Yes, her parents sell fabric at Dae Jun. They're wealthy in cash. There's a big difference in age from her brother. They're probably close to being rich. You're very shrewd. You still keep in contact with her? By any chance, did she ever ask how I'm doing? It's so pretty. So pretty. It's pretty, but it won't look good on you. Unni! It's been so long! How do you stay the same? That's 1 of the 10 reasons botox is better than a husband. Anyway, my oppa is more of a problem than Yoon Oppa. Of course. What kind of brother would give his younger sister to his widowed friend? Are you against me and Yoon Oppa too? It's not like you're trying to live with my man. Why would I do something troublesome and oppose? I knew you were on my side. So what? Attorney Choi, the person involved and your guardian, Manager Im, both oppose. Can you love alone? That's true, but... But someday... They'll age and get wrinkles. Don't give affection to a man who says he doesn't like you. Don't even look at him. If possible, just kill him. If you're unlucky, you might get married to him. This is pretty. It's your homecoming present. Really? Unni, you're the best! Why do you need to work part-time? You're from a rich family. I need to learn about the world, and experience being corrupted too. That's good. By the way, people keep on looking at you. Because they know who I am. Who are you? The landlord. That's right. You're not pretty enough to be stared at. How many buildings do you own now? You said you wanted a part-time job, right? If you go straight down, the cafe you'll be working at will be there. You know, right? Of course I know it! Up to there. What? So not a few buildings...but the whole street? Heol... Why's it just the two of you? Team Leader Choi's at the office. He's not hungry. Do manual laborers need appetites to eat? Is there anything lost without my knowledge? Actually... What are you hiding so obviously? What is it? If you're not going to tell me now, you can't tell me ever. What do you want to do? Manager, could we...have a drink? You know one project of Team Leader Choi's, the gallery of Boo Am Dong. Team Leader Choi got hit by a glass cup that a client threw yesterday. What? It's going to take 2 weeks to heal, but he told us not to say anything to anyone in the office. Team Leader Choi's wife just became pregnant with a 3rd child. so... It's really hard to earn a living ... If it's 2 weeks, it'll be hard to press any charges. I'll make it even harder to earn a living. Where are you going? He kept finding so-called flaws in our design, while delaying payment. I hate this, take that out. The minute he opens his mouth, he curses. Team Leader Choi couldn't take it anymore and when he said not to say this bastard or that bastard...he threw the cup. Why are you here? Hey! Go out. Oh, Manager Kim came here personally... What brings you here? It's been a long time. Have you been well? Well, me... You seem to use nice cups. Seeing how it's not broken yet. It seems like you throw it often. Like this. Manager Kim! Hey! Right now, what is that? Why do you throw a cup at a person? Even if you miss, it's dangerous. I can understand well why you're like this. But if you come out so aggressive then we can't work together. It's not you who can't do it, it's I who won't do it. We can't do business with bastards. Really Do you think Hwa Dam is the only architectural company in Korea? Then I like it too. If you search online, there's more than 100. But luckily, a bastard who uses all possible excuses not to pay the cost is hated by people in this field, too. Gallery? Instead of that, just buy a book and make a sketch book. Don't put a dent into Korea's art culture. Want to die? I'm sorry. It'll end if we hold out a little longer. Do you know the reason why your salary is lower than mine? It means that if this happens, you can hide behind me. I deal with that so I get a lot of the salary. He hasn't paid almost $200,000 for the construction plans. Regardless of the amount, your worth is at least 50 cents more. $200,000.50 You've haven't even gone bankrupt once! How dare you damage your body because of money! I've gone bankrupt three times! Thank you. And I'm really sorry. Even if I give you physically hard labor, I don't give out emotionally hard labor. If you're sorry, work overtime today. From now on, working till late at night is your fate. Okay? Yes! We can't get it? We really can't get it? It's almost $200,000. You can't get it. Why did you rip the contract in front of him? Oh whatever, hang up! Aish, being like that, you call yourself an attorney? ! Bring the insurance contract, so I can rip it! $200,000. $200,000! Didn't you say you were going to go home from the site? I came back for some documents. Seocho District office wants me to come. The commercial building in Yangjae Dong is now pending for its license. Why? Who knows. I'll call you after I go see it. I need to go by Se Ra's house when she's not home. You! As the winner of the Architecture Award, why did you measure only the room size? Want me to go instead? You've never seen the person in charge. Not that, Se Ra's house. Would you? Making such a fuss about a 1 year anniversary. Are you in high school? You try being in a relationship. It's so entertaining. Thanks for the favor. (People in)This house just opens the door without even asking, "Who's there?" I was already contacted by Tae San. Were you waiting for Tae San? That's not what I said. Se Ra's not here. I came because she's not here. I heard that you're alone. I thought if I show up unexpectedly, I'd see how you'd look coming out of the shower. Just do what you came to do and leave quietly. [PC "blue screen of death -- crash! ] Why are you doing this? Hey. Hey! If you don't need to smash it right now, can you come out here for a moment? What is it? Do you want to go up or hold? I'll hold. Are you that concerned for me? What? Not the chair, hold the tape measure. See the "0" at the end, hold it to the floor. It's done. What's not being obedient? My computer. Want me to take a look? No thanks. Leave it to me. You'll be grateful in the end. No, thank you. But, until when do I need to hold this? Till a moment ago. That person, really! Is it like this even after you reboot? I'm also a holder of a Class3 certificate for MS Word. If you're going to tell me to reformat, let go of the mouse. A computer becomes like this if you watch too much porn. What? Can I get a glass of this, too? What are you doing? Why'd you do that? Are you crazy? Are you in your right mind? What kind of behavior is this? I thought you wouldn't be able to see because the coffee is black... You just fixed it. Why'd you throw coffee on it? Are you mad because of the monitor... Then what? What? Bikini? What's wrong with a bikini? I uploaded it so people could see! Starting in the spring, I cried more than a new-born chick because I was hungry! Do you know how much I paid attention to the angle? What am I going to do about this? Pay for it at once! Why are you laughing? What'd you do right? I'll make up for the computer as soon as I can. But I think we need to figure out the cause and effect. What cause and effect? Since sex is also taught, you know it well, right? A healthy male's night is different from a healthy female's night. So... So what? You tell me not to have an unrequited love for you and tell me not to meet other women. As you won't let me touch you, this is the result. Even worse, when you have such a nice collarbone. I'll go then. Wait for my call. And answer when I call. But shouldn't you escort me out... Just go, quickly. Before I'm dead, I can't leave this room. I don't want to, but I'll force myself to go. I think I'll do something bad if I stay longer. What are you doing here? I'm going to give someone a notebook as a present. What about you? Me? I was just passing by and the light was on. By chance, was your computer smashed again because she found your porn list? I don't know why my wife hates baseball videos so much. (baseball = ya goo vs. ya dong = porn) Don't make me laugh. Just keep the great masterpieces in your heart. But my heart isn't HD quality. How are the graphics on this one? Good morning! What are you doing here so early in the morning? If you're bored, go play with your friends. I'm not here because I'm bored. Just close your eyes for 5 seconds. What? Sorry, could I have a minute? Oh, do you have a guest? Seriously, can't you see? She's not a guest. Come in. Regarding the case of Go Jae Wook, until last March, this company was a listed company. Then, they tried to use the Securities and Exchange Act applying the principle of lex specialis. About the timing, it can't be helped. The client also admitted that. After March, instead of combing thoroughly through the data with the Securities and Exchange Act, the Commencial Code can solve it. She must've poured her perfume on. Just poured. Commercial Code. I'll treat you to a meal. Work hard. You too, Attorney Kang. Is Attorney Kang (Kang-Byun) is North Street (Book-Ro)? [word-play : Kang Byun Book Ro - a street's name] If a lawyer doesn't know about the law, who would? Stop wasting a busy person's time. Your time was wasted by that girl. Just give me 5 seconds, I don't even want a minute. What are you going to do for 5 seconds? You give your junior a minute, but can't give me 5 seconds? We've known each other for more than 10 years. So, why? I won't kiss you. I won't even touch the hairs on your chin. Only 5 seconds. 5 seconds have passed. How can you measure 5 seconds exactly? Today's schedule... What did you do? I didn't do anything. Did you want me to do something? Aren't you going to leave? I need to work. Leave quickly. Do you think I'm playing? I'm a person who comes out in the newspaper now. Newspaper? Starting today, I too am a temporary worker. What? You know what it says on your car's side mirror, right? Objects in mirror are closer than they appear? Same for Meahri! Don't you dare go eat together with Attorney Kang. I'm going to work here starting today. My name is Im Meahri. Why are you looking at me? She's greeting you. This is a joke, right? She's pretty, young, and she even studied abroad. Why? What? Is she lacking? Well, no, That's fine, but... how should I put it... She...doesn't fit my management philosophy? A great CEO needs to rule out all connection from school, home town, etc in terms of HR, I think. So do that next time. I will. Glad to see you, Meahri. Let's do well. Good luck to you. Hey, she said "Good luck to you." Is there a scarier threat? Meahri's a live CCTV camera. It feels like her eyes start recording when I talk to a girl. On Air! I didn't think she was like that, but your wife is a bit harsh. Right? Course, you are a dirtbag. But taking it that far? Is money everything? How could she... I can't curse sincerely. Sounded pretentious starting at, "Is money everything?" You guys, really... You just need to be free of sin. What's the problem? How could there not be a problem? There's no way I'll be free of sin! You clever dirty bastard. Let's go. Why are you going? So I can go file a restraining order against you. Why? Tae San haven't arrived yet. When he gets here we need to come up with a plan. Tae San's meeting Pro Hong , you take care of the problem of Meahri yourself. How can I do that? Are you two really going to be like this? I'm saying this for you! The people who ignored me eventually died 7 months later! Have you heard what I said? Are you not feeling well? Were your shots not good today? My shots are always never good. There's only couples here. We're a couple too. The most special couple here. Why? Except for us, all the guys are carrying the woman's bag. I can't do that even if I die. I won't ask you to. For girls, bags complete fashion. Women who have good bags don't let men carry them. How could you not be pretty when you're like this? You're not sick of me? Have you never wanted to break up with me? Why wouldn't I? I stopped counting after 44 times. Then why didn't you break up with me? Hong Se Ra, are you suffering from spring fever? Why? Do you want to break up with me? How should I know if you are coveting another girl in your heart? Hey! You still don't know after you watched me, heard me, and touched me? If I was coveting such a wonderful girl, why should I waver? I would have to abandon you right away. What? At the very least, I wouldn't deceive you. A disease or a cure, just give me one, not both. When are finished with work? I want to be together today. Really? Oh, What should I do? We can't go to my house because of Meahri. Let's go to my house. I'm stressed because I'm preparing for a match. I don't want to get dressed up and go out. But there's Yi Soo-sshi. Yi Soo isn't home today. She went to mountain hiking trip for 2 days. After I go to the agency, I'll be home. Okay! My brother-in-law is bringing his fiancee over without notice. You haven't left already, right? What a relief. A relief? Ah, really? ! How can she tell me now? When I was all ready. Is she kidding with me right now? ! Ah-ing, that's really great! I am so so sorry. Is this Seo Yi Soo's house? I didn't arrange any delivery.. It seems Im Meari has sent it. You're going to wear it yourself, right? What? If she says she won't wear it, put it on her personally. She's really too much. What did she send? Good God! She's telling me? Oh gosh. Sorry, Yi Soo ssi. I thought you'd gone hiking. I'll come back later. No, no, come in! I was...on my way out! Oh, so that's why you're dressed like that. Ah, yea. I was planning to go on mountain hiking, but her brother-in-law's fiance is coming over... But luckily, I'm going to a party. Omo, I'm late. Oh, please tell Se Ra that I won't be able to come home today. That I'll sleep, before coming. With her brother-in-law? Yes. No! With the fiancee. Then Tae San ssi, work- - I'll be going. Work, well, it is work... So embarrassing! Aish, what did I say... What should I do..? Welcome. Welcome. It seems this was the first warm welcoming ever since I came to Korea. Are you looking for a particular style? A design that sticks to the basics? This one. If I'm a size 28 in Japan, is it 280 here? Membership card? Yes, depending on the amount you purchase, you can get some points and those can be shared with your girl friend as well. Do you want me to make one for you? Yes, please do that. I think I'm going to be in Korea for a long time. Please wait one moment. But what club is the most popular in Kangnam? It's exhilarating! It's so delicious. Really? You seem weird since before. Do you have any worries? Let's just go out and play. Why? You don't live here alone. I don't live here alone, but this is my house. What's the real problem? Earlier I encountered Yi Soo ssi, but it was awkward. It seemed that I ran to your home once finding out she's not going to be home. And I felt sorry, because it felt like she only left because of us. So it's not okay to be a little sorry? Let's just go out and eat something delicious. Do you know that you're caring more about Yi Soo than me? No matter if I'm tired or feel edgy, you want to go out because you feel awkward because of Yi Soo? Since when was Yi Soo so important? You know I don't mean that. I understand you're on edge because of the game and feel pressured. So I understand you whining at me, but Yi Soo ssi is your friend. Being like that to Yi Soo ssi looks bad. Looks...bad? I'm going to go. I think we'll just fight again if I stay. If you go now, it's over. Rest. You look tired. Yes, Teacher? Hey! What have you done to me? I'm suffering because of the clothes you sent, so come here right now with taxi fare! Did the dress arrive? Did you try it on? Isn't it so pretty? It's so pretty that more than 100 people are staring! So hurry up and come here! I'm busy. Just come to my house. I'll come out with the taxi fare. Where's your house? Thank you. This...is your house? You live here? You said your parents just run a business. Are you really a rich family's daughter? Are you now making a home visit? It's Oppa's car. Didn't you say Oppa's with Se Ra Unni. Why'd he come here? What do I do? What do I do? I think it's too late to run away. Why... are you here? Because... I'm going to the party with Meahri. What are you doing? Hurry, go get ready and come out. We're going to be late. Wait here. But Tae San ssi, why are you... Oh, I just came here to get something. I left the wine Se Ra wanted to drink. Then. Seriously! Teacher, because of you, what is this? Why's this because of me? This is all because of the clothes you sent me! Why does misfortune always come with everything you give me? Where should I take you? Since you're paying, you decide. For real? I will go anywhere I want to go. I met this unni while I was in high school...going over the gates. You are totally my style, Noona. Hey! She's been staring at only me since earlier! Sorry, but neither of you are my type! You're just like my students. This is the song I like. Let's go, guys. So he lives in that kind of house. Where's Meahri? She left after some guy asked for her number. Where? I am not sure. We meet again. Unlike your occupation, you do a lot of provocative things. You steal cars and go to clubs. I understand you think I'm pretty but unfortunately, I have a lot of students just like you. So go play somewhere else. Where in the world are you? Is nobody outside? Why isn't it opening? There's a person stuck here! Is anyone out there? Here! There's a person stuck here! Is any one out there? Is nobody there? Save me! Is nobody there? What is it? Please save me. The door's broken and I'm stuck. It won't open. Sorry, but could you get an employee for me? Step away from the door. What? Get as close to the wall as you can. Or you'll get hurt. Aren't you going to come out? But... You couldn't just gotten someone. Why? I'm in a rush too. The earphones on the plane! Just give me $30 and come to the entrance. I'm going to go. Are you a high school student? Running away from home? Travelling. Oh. It was him. Then...a high school student? That punk! Hey! You adolescent. You must remember. Yes, I do. A high school student...how dare you come here? You had some alcohol too, didn't you? I have a lot of sorrow. Come here. Give me your parents' phone number. Let's end our relationship here. Attention! We'll meet again if it's in our fate. Stop right there! Im Meahri... Can't call Se Ra. Tae San's with Se Ra. I'll be bothering Yoon-ssi. Teacher Park...no! What is it? Excuse me. By any chance.... Where are you? Are we already that close? That's not it... What are you going to do about my monitor? You called me this late because you wanted to know that? If you'll agree, I'd like to make a suggestion in regards to compensation for my computer. Go ahead. Right now, I'm near the intersetion of Shin Sa dong. I'm in an unfortunate situation. As compensation for my monitor, I'd like to make a tempting offer. Instead, just pick me up now. It's not that tempting. I'm in a really difficult and embarrassing situation right now! So you want me to come pick you up? Well, since you asked, I'll answer. Yes, that's it. What to do? I'm busy right now. Would I have called you if I wasn't desperate? I'm alone, have no money, and it's late. And what I'm wearing is dumbfounding! The woman you have unrequited love for has no money and like a woman that works on the streets, is standing with almost no clothes! Don't...you feel any pain? Get in the car of the bastard that offers you the most money. Hello? Hello? What's he saying? Is he coming or not? It was good to see you, Attorney Kang. Come more often. Yes, it was good to see you too. Our Attorney Choi's a good man. You know that, right? Will you keep saying nonsense? Go inside, quickly. You need to stop drawing a line. Attorney Kang, fighting! Go. What are you going to do about your car? I called a designated driver. A woman alone with a designated driver can be a bit dangerous. By the way, That woman, no should I say child? Can I ask who she is? A child whom I've been watching over since the moment of her birth. I remember her check-patterned Kindergarten uniform. And I also remember when she wore high heels first time and acted like a grown-up woman. - Did you call a designated driver? - Yes. Get in. ART Pictures Studio Kinoslovo with the support of the Ministery of the culture and the Russian Federation and the support of Fond Kino ÏÜÎÒÚÐ ÀÍÓÐΠÔÜÎÄÎÐ ÁÎÍÄÀÐ×ÓÊ ÄÌÈÒÐÈÉ ÐÓÄÎÂÑÊÈ present a production of KINOSLOVO FILMS DANILA KOZLOVSKY MARIA ANDREEVA ARTYOM MIHALKOV Attention please, to all unions of the department of motor vehicles (DMV). Three minutes formation. Who's ready? Confirm. - 019, copy that. 026-00? - On the link. Watch out for a garbage truck. Please repeat again. - A garbage truck. Òhat's what I call a joke. - Dealing with bullshit. Keep clean the air. Two zeros? -On the link. We will stop to check. we are starting now. - Check the documents. at what time he took them. - We're on. Another one left. We checked him 10 minutes ago. I doesn't matter! To all unions of DMV. Attention! We wait on the streets. Escort. The car went. - The vehicles are few. ÄÓÕLESS SOULLESS My name is Max I'm 29 years old. For everyone I'm the life master. To be more specific I'm a top manager at the Department of Credit in the major Russian-French bank "Megapolis". I'm kind of a hooker, tacking between the high demands of the management, their own indolence and the stupidity of their employees. My client is my management department And I am considered to be one of the best players in the team and my annual revenue is a cute amount in euro with five zeros. My life is a success. And here's the office. The tower of Mordor - the homeland of the worldwide corporate evil. The Golden Calf craves for more and more fresh blood sacrifices. The Mayan priests were puppies compared to the mid-level managers. The severed heads are piling up t the foot of the pyramids, but no one notices it anymore You wanted me. According to the smell - vodka, sauna and whores. It's hard, Conrad, You're not 19 anymore, not even 40. Alcohol is no longer corporate. Hello, son. - Hello, Aleksey. Sit down. I was at the hospital yesterday. My tests are bad. So in a month or two I will... - Aleksei Alekseevich! Retire. I wish for the last time to do something big, something worth. A huge project, you know what I mean? I see. You need increased credit indexes. Your retirement depends on it. Not really. - For example... Construction of houses, a village - "Millionaires' paradise". The developers consolidated the land, they bought two state farms, military part... They intend to build wonderful houses here. I think that this will be the hit of the sales. Another one ghetto for the privileged. - What? How will be the credit ensured? - With the land, on which all of this will be built. It's risky. - In this area one acre is on the price of a bag with the gold. There are no risks. Excuse me Am I interrupting? Alen Garrido - vice-president from the French side. He claims he's been working at big European banks, but he's not specifying. Here since Peter I bastards have been invited. He's mocking the barbarians, but he's bringing a visit card of a sado-masochistic brothel. Did you say something, Max? - I am proud of working with you in a team. - Good. I enjoy it too. And this - is it a new project of our bank? Nothing specific, monsieur Garrido. It's unlikely to have something in common with your department. Here's the real art. The fashionable Moscow - a vanity fair. The so called "high society". the venue of the supposedly strong, supposedly rich and supposedly famous. Terarium! Who's the handsome guy? - This one? Max Andreev - Ìàêñ Àíäðååâ - from an orphanage. I studied with him in the Academy. Mrs Suvorova! Who am I seeing? Alyona. As a child she was a good girl, and in the university - the smartest student. Then she went to work in the Middle East. Now she is a cunning shark in the seeking of the greater love. How did you get here? - Actually I am here on business, what are you doing here? - I love modern art. You would like to jump right in the high society, do you? Why are you treating me like this? - And why are you so arrogant? Quickly! Look, your new purchase has arrived! You look like you are about to burst into tears. - My feet are killing me. It's me third event for today. Give me a kiss. Wait, Max! Don't bother me. Do you believe it, my producer told me that pregnancy will be an exellent way of promoting! Like I am his aquarium. Get fat, give birth, feed... I think a few pounds on your butt would be a good idea. What? What do you have against my butt, ha? Animal! It's untouchable. Maxim Evgenich! - In 15 minutes. Hello. - Hi. Maxim Evgenich, the documents on the project "Millionaires' Paradise". Thank you, Katya. We're working, working... Damn it! Parhomenko! The project must be presented in the most attractive way. What do you think? When? - On the conference of the regional affiliates. - But this is in... I just found out the decision of the management. Ask for the developers' materials. One more thing - Norman is coming. Alone? - No. And he is With the plane. Now yout how important it is? Ðàçáðà ëè âàæíîñòòà? Get busy! We are working, gentlemen. And just try making a mistake. I just thought that you might want to use your contacts and connections. He comes at the end silent. - Can you believe it? This is pathology. Òîâà âå÷å å ïàòîëîãèÿ. Is it so hard to moan? Enough... Everyone will get drunk and start calling the dealer. My nose hurts. Let's have one silent night Ok? - Stop it. What is wrong with you? I just promised the boys that I will meet them. Salmon. - I thought you liked clams. Then why are you ordering them all the time? Because everybody will be mocking me if I order wieners. Just look at them. They look like they ran away from the circus. Good afternoon. Sanitation control. I am sorry, what documents? - It's all right. Guys, come in. Let's see. I'll bring them, wait here. - We will inspect the area. Where are you going? Young man! Attention! The gorging ones! We say NO to the genocyde of the furry animals! I you want a leather jacket, try and go against a crocodile! The chinchilla is not a rat... it's a human. Take off the blond's scalp for a coat! Fucking fagots! Fucking freaks! Do they fucking understand what they're fucking doing? What are you giggling, jerk? Is it funny? Do you know how much this costs? - What do you care? You haven't paid for it. - I paid with my presence in your life! Yu pig! I would like to note that your presence costs me a bit too much. What? Don't play like you are the fooled sponsor. Fuck! Come on, no need for that! You wanna fuck a star and get for free in the daily magazines, fucking right? A dime a dozen like you on the Red Square! Scrooge! Elvira just demolished Darwin's theory. According to her nowadays survives not the strongest, but the one whose phiz appears most often among the glamour. And I had another brilliant idea and I figured out how to break up. That hurts! What are you fucking doing? Have you lost your mind? Get the fuck out of here! Fagot! Asshole! Bastard! Impotent! Squit! Íèùîæåñòâî! I hate you! Fucking goat! My secretary - Katya. Android. She works connected to the mains electricity. If you turn her off, you will arouse a bug in her software. Her memory will be erased and she will be off for a month. Goinghomeshegoestostandby and she absorbes information only from the women's magazines. A, Max! - Yes? I found out what a "mole" means. - Oh yeah? What? "Mole" is an agent operating against his own organization. Excuse my curtness What is your problem? You want the place of Condratiev? Please. Let's go to the club. We will hook up with a girl, we'll have some cocaine... Come one. You only live once. No. Merci, Ìàx. I don't do drugs. Come one. Everything is written on your face. You'll get Condratiev's place some other time. Abortion. You are an abortion. Alyona! Bon Soir! - Who am I seeing! It seems that we started to meet really often. And it seems to me that you started taking drugs. By the way, do know who you will fuck today already? By the way, this is no longer your concern. Relax, Max. Someone is calling you. Misha! Who is this beauty? I'll try. Come here. God damn it! There's nothing decent left in people. Everyone want the loot.Money! The cocain goes for 200 greens per gram. I give money for ten. I bring it, draw - eight. Moscow drives me mad! Misha! Everything went out here! Take it, carefully. - Thank you. Can you tell me what is everyone happy about? Same shit,Åäíè è ñúùè ëàéíà, same dancing, music, same drinks. I've been in this club all my life. I'm sick of all this, and they are always enjoying, dancing, drinking. So you decided that you are done with clubs? Just the opposite. I am opening a new one. Here, in Moscow. Furniture from Italy, Japaneese designer. I invested more than two millions. And all fall apart. Why is that? - My partner screwed me over. A month before the opening he withdrew the money, 600 grand in green. Now we run by stung looking for money. There's my partner. Next to the ginger, at the end. Sanya! They don't want to invest? Yeah, right! Volunteer as many as you want. Can you see the boys behind me? They long for in, to make a sauna here with hookers and shoot me, to take it all from me. You know what I mean? Max, it's time to start our lives. Does this mean to move in and live in the club? Yes, Max! You won't wake up on Monday at 8 am and you will weat this costume only on the Halloween night. You will make much more. Much more, Max! This is over profitable business. Think about it! Oxana... Oxana... Oxana. Oxana, don't go too far. I'll call you a cab. Misha Voodoo opens a new club. He offered to invest 20% share. Misha Voodoo to you? Suddenly he became so nobel. Vadya, quick being a jerk, it's not corporate. I don't have the money anyway. - How much do you need? 1600-1700, I have only 300. I spent too much for a chick. Give yourself a credit with zero interest. - Yeah, you're so witty! For Maxim Evgenievich. We need to meet. - We'll meet. Maxim Evgenievich, Parhamenko brought a disc with the presentation, to see it. The conference starts in ten minutes. Don't forget to take it with you. My secretary just told me you called. I know you are not in the room, because there was nobody there at all. I see. What is this idiot joke? The conference starts in two minutes. Hello, Max. You are late for the conference. Be careful, Max. It's a shame you didn't see it, everything is beautiful there. Nature, bous. - Bravo, Parhomenko, I never doubted you. You'll place it on my sign. So. I am glad to announce that the rate of cashless payments... What a man. Hi, handsome. Hello, Natalia Victorovna. You are georgeous. Glad to see you. I read in the magazines about you. You are so popular. Working on that. Natalia - a Deputy Director Of Petersburg's affiliate. I fuck her when I go to Peter. Pathologically greedy . She drags me to some botiques trying to make me buy her all of them. There's interesting stuff in it. ...and we are not thinking of stoping. Our bank needs new bright projects... The guys and I decided to go bowling afterwards. Want to come with us? Of course. Thank you for inviting me. I haven't played bowling for years. ...the golden voice and I am not affraid to say that he is Orpheus in his work. Maxim Evgenievich Andreev will tell you çà åäèí òàêúâ ñòðàòåãè÷åñêè, emphasizing, strategic project. Thank you, Aleksei Alekseevich, Everyone is madly curious what kind of project is that. Together with the company of developing "Galion" we are working on a construction project for a villa complex in premium class - 261 00:24:27,708 -- 00:24:30,417 "Millionaires' Paradise". Here's how it will look like. pay attention to the screen. For now this is just a piece of pristine nature which is very close to the city in one of the high positioned and prestigious regions, in an ecologically perfect area. There is no doubt about the full liquidity of the project even still on the development phase. This pieceful area will be a wonderful safe haven from the urban vanity. The houses, built with the latest technologies applied from the West, unconditionally will become the hit of the sales. Roughly said, we will launch it on the whole market. We cannot treat seriously a project with such visualization. 274 00:25:48,583 -- 00:25:51,375 I don't think we will discuss the project right now. There was a problem. I couldn't finish. The value of the land covers the credit 1,5 times. The media is already writing about "Millionaires' Paradise" as some kind of miracle near Moscow. There are hundreds of people coming at the offices even before the sales has started. Any other bank would participate gladly in this project and it will win and we will lose because of our caution. I didn't have this information, I didn't know about the media... Monsieur Norman said that he liked the project. He thinks that whatever the risk is, it will be covered by the profit from the project, that the bank will earn. He likes the provocative advertising but the animals are too much. Useless fucker! Seconhand condom! Where did you get the video from? - This isn't our disc. Here's ours. Then where the fuck the fucking hippos came from? Who can do that when you gave the disc only five minutes before the presentation started? - I am sorry, Maxim, I really don't know who swaped the discs. I didn't ... Monsieur came in couple of times... - Garrido. He either did that by himself, or he sent someone. Try and prove it! Rumour has it the "Millionaires' Paradise" is the eight wonder of the world and there are queues of people at the offices with cases full of money. It's all over the internet. And the day after tomorrow all of this wil be in the newspapers. Do you understand? - Yes. I can't take it anymore. - Shut up! Thegroup"Colors"-streetbullies or fighters for justice? The next meeting of the group Ïîðåäíàòà ñðåùà íà ãðóïèðîâêàòà will take place today in "Quarter 44" at 9 pm. I am here because of a disinfestation. I have cockroaches. If the bugs are in your head, the desinfestation won't help. I would like to explain. - And I would like to introduce myself. Julia. - Julia! Yes, hello. - Maxim. So... 19-years-old. A student in third year... No! Second. You got in from the second time but you did it all by yourself. A girl coming from a decent family, with a rich inner world, no bad habits, a vegeterian. Believes in freedom and the free will as well as the fact that she can make the world become a better place. Speels higging a Teddy bear. - So, what... Maxim - 30-years-old, a banker, weak, greedy, arrogant, shrewish, vulgar. Ever since you were a kid you wanted to reach high level status and you are confident that you did - appartment, car, credit card. But despite all your efforts your life seems to be monotonous and dull. You want more and more entertainment. Any problems? - Avdeyushka! Avdeyushka, let me intrduce you to Max. He will finance our actions. Excuse me, what is your name? - Maxim. Look, Maxim, the thing is that our actions that you are planning to finance are not for stock exchange. And we are not searching for our rows an office plankton. Why not? Because you are corrupt and clueless, limited. - Avdeyushka, can I have a minute? You can. Are you nuts? What if he's a cop? What is wrong with you? Think of what you are saying and to who you're saying it. - Till when, huh? Till when what? - Maybe I will decide for myself who I communicate with. Is it clear? - Decide by yourself, fine. But you don't need to tell each scavenger and freak what we are doing. He's not a freak. I like him! He seems to have a potential. Full pants of potential! You'll make me cry now! Is this your organization? What will happen if you get caught? - It will be better than sit and watch people turning into degenerates, capable of only earning and spending. Earning money isn't that simple, you know. Fighting for justice isn't that simple too. You should try it. Come on! Hello? - Well...hello to the banker. Look at that! Julia! How unexpected! I've been thinking this story with that disc of yours is somehow unjust. French came across Adveev, we didn't have time and we didn't check it. In a word - I am sorry. Ok. Than you owe me one. Let's meet. I love walks in the night. Hello... - Yes, I'm here. When do you want to meet me? Where? In an hour, on "Kutuzovska" street. - I'll be there. Why are you standing? Jump in. Here, take it. You'll shoot. Hold it tight. Did you get everything? What's up, Stass? - Turn it on! Five seconds. Done. - Yes! Start filming! Do you see the building? - I see it, Avdeev. What do we want to say? We think people stopped living real life and they trade it off... with meaningless and ruthless chasing of trends, brands and other shit. There! I would also like to say that money is nonsense. Everyday you spend it for flushing down the toilet. You work for earning one point. Everyday you flush your life down the toilet. You just shit on it. Cops! Let's get out of here! Stop! - Where to? Stop! I'll take the camera. Go. Thank you for the romantic walk. - You are welcome. Only if my bosses knew what I was doing here. Do you really do this out of conviction? I do. When I was a kid I loved the musketeers' movies. And they used to do this when trying to escape from... the guards of the Cardinal. - So it doesn't mean anything. No, of course not. No! It didn't even cross my mind. . Give me your cell. - My cell? If they come again... - Give it to me, musketeer. My battery died. Who are we calling? Avdeev? Hurray! - Happy holiday, dear fellows! Russia heard you. Friends, why are you doing this? For yourselves? For PR... Are you kidding me? Don't you see what's going on around you, in Russia, around the world? Don't you see that this has become a totalitarian state? 392 00:37:38,333 -- 00:37:42,375 How did you suffer from this regime? - Ourselves or people in general? You fucking sexist, let me speak! - Speak, who's bothering you? What are you shouting for? Yesterday the girls wanted to hang a poster on the police door. They were kept for eight hours. - They had better go have sex with their boyfrineds. - You think all people are just sex buddies? Thank you. We didn't order that. - I did and paid for it. Who asked you? - Avdeev, if you wanna be a real revolutionary, if you want to have thousands of followers and your ugly face to be on each T-shirt, you should quit acting like you're in preschool and go on the streets smashing windows Revolution needs martyrs, not idiots. Hey, why aren't you picking up? Hello? It's Vadim. Are you ready for tonight? I'll be there at eight. I'll see you then. The end, bro. See you soon. This is my best friend Vadik. He used to be off-beat, he studied at Moscow State University and rode a bike. Then he married and joined a tobacco company. Hi! - Hi. Andryuha, hello! - Hi, Edick. Where did you disappear? - Work. You know. Lidochka, beautiful! - Let it go, Maslova! Thank you. Hi. Michael... Sasha, this is Vadim. Vadim - Sasha. The tobacco magnat? - But not quite. Michael. - Vadim. It's nice to do business with serious people. No doubts about that. - Let's talk? You'll disappear in New York and we'll take care of the club. I don't think I'm ready for that. - Why are you trying to make yourself look poor, Max? In comparison with your companies the night club is like a kindergarten. It's not a matter of a scheme, it's about being ready - yes or not. That's it! What will happen with the documents? - Are we going to be business partners? Partners. The documents are not a problem. We'll handle the paperwork for couple of days. - And one more thing. We'll invest 300 grand and the management of the club will be ours. We want not 20, but 30 percent. Otherwise it just won't be interesting. I'm giving you already grown business. You're just investing. And still it's not enough? - It is not. I can't take this decision by myself. I need to advise. Fine. We'll postpone it till tomorrow. There are more pleasant things right now. Real Columbian drugs. Have a rest. Valya, what 30 percent? They will withdraw now. Don't worry. They're afraid that we will quit. They will agree on 25. I can feel it with my ass. Go ahead! Stay still, fucks. Witnesses, observe carefully. Look, we got a dealer. You do understand that you won't get away with just with a receipt, right? Ok. How much do you want? Write down. - The detained... offered a bribe on the amount of... How much did they offer? - Write down 10 000 dollars. Ten thousand. Good evening. Let's have a talk for a minute. Did you forget something, penguins? What did you do... Thank you, Misha, you saved us. -It's nothing. We tought with Sanya about the 30 percent. It's too much. We can offer you 25. This is the limit. I'm sorry. I'm in. - I'm in too. Great. Isuggest we go visit our club then. What? Are we going, partner? - Let's go. The venue is situated downtown. Here it's a secured area, a parking. The popularity is certain. Here will be placed the metal detectors and the face control. We're on the list. Voodoo plus two. Here, as far I understand, will be the wardrobe. Yes, and there will be rest rooms and the bar. Altogether - three areas - VIP, business and economic. It's like an airplane. - Awesome! The DJ console. And what about the sounding? You're insulting me. It's first class. A million dollar sound. A million dollars for sounding? - Exactly. My pride. Ìîÿòà ãîðäîñò. The latest advance in the architecture. Mobile walls. Everything is on the move. The room will constantly changing in any shapes. And a huge dancing. Here's the VIP lounge. Max! For now we cannot have the interior design though because of the construction works. But everything will be ready. Please. In the middle and higher there will be two "go go" platforms. I will deal with the performers' booking. We are planning 48 rides of DJs from Western Europe. Wait. This means every weekend? - Exactly. It's expensive. Max, what do you think? Are going to have our money back soon? - You're impatient? You want money? - Yes. Money and fame. We need to pile up with greed. And more. I'm not greedy. I'm a family man. Don't worry, we will have hundreds of this. Hundred clubs like this one. I fuck my job! No, I'm still dealing with French pensioners. Look, the butterfly flew away. - Flew away. It will come again. There are so many interesting things for you there. And stop the quarrel with Garrido. He's been working on Norman against you for the whole night. And on top of that you disapperaed somewhere. - I had an important meeting. Garrido in onto somthing. He's already reporting to Norman every other day. I know that this rat is writing accusations. I don't want his French ass in my throne. What can he do? The contract with the developers is signed. The transaction has been made. The whole of Moscow is talking about the "Millionaires' Paradise". - Good for you! The most important thing now, son, is yoy don't screw up. And with the women... Be careful with the women! Aleksei Alekseevich, I need a few days off to visit Peter, to check on him. You should have said so, that you want to change the scenery, to relax. I don't mind. Listen, should I come with you? Aleksei Alekseevich, you are more needed here. It's true. Sit. - What? You crashed? Actually I have a train to catch in three hours. - Give me an hour. Then I will gove you a ride to the train station. Traffic free. We put our glasses on. And what do we see? Get changed. - What am I gonna do with that? You'll get it righ duting the play. And we welcome our friends Dima and Lyova. Hello, kids. I present you Dima. Dima, you lost something. - No I didn't. It's not mine. You lost it. You need to pick it up. - You lost it. Save me! Help! Butt! Ass.. That's enough! Stop it! Stop! Hi. Hi. Wanna cigarette? - No, thanks. I've got mine. Aren't you a bit too young to smoke? - I'm thinking of quitting. And you are funny. - Thanks for the compliment. The good clown must earn a lot. - Actually yes. Lyosha. - Ìax. Why are you like that... bold? - Because of the chemo. Meaning? Why did you drag me over there? - I don't know. I wanted you to understand that our actions are not just like that. I wanted to move you. - And did you? Idiot! Of course. In your perfect world there are no sick people, cripples, freaks... Right, Max? Doesn't this remind of Nazism? What do you want from me? To take out bedpans? I've achieved everything by myself! It's not my fault that I'm not a freak. I think you are a freak. A cripple, Max. This boy... Lyosha, how much does he have? Maybe a month, maybe more, he's one of the long living. I'll be back in two days and I will call you. OK then. Have a nice journey. Why are we sitting, who are we waiting for? Max, let's go have a bite. You don't love deerly, Max. But why? Because in 1995 you were selling beer in a booth. You were drinking vodka with your father next to the skewers, while I was studying like hell from the English books of economics. You spent your first paycheck on a four year-old BMW and I went to see Rome and Florence. Because I cannot afford being seen with a book "The mad against the blind" and having a crush on "Comedy club". - Then what are you looking for here, as you say "in this country"? - I live here. And I want everything in this country to be somehow... normal. Fashion to be normal, not Slava Zaicev's. To be normal the life, Äà å íîðìàëåí æèâîòúò, "Spartak" and "Zenit" be like Inter"and "Milano", even if most of the people 563 00:54:30,292 -- 00:54:33,375 don't need it. And I'm not inviting you in my world. Stay in yours. Just don't drag me into yours by force. That's bullshit, Max. The thing is not about Florence or Rome, neither in "Spartak" or "Zenit". People everywhere need one same thing and you're not different than me. Not even the slitest. But I pick my apples carefully and I provide for my kids. You're laughing but I already built a house and planted a tree. And you're doing drugs and you think that your dick is bigger than everyone's. I knew that you'll run to me when you open the files. One and the same company always gets everything. Gulyakin is covering for someone in Moscow, he gets 1200. Most importantly - I want you to destroy your Gulyakin and make a Director of the affiliate. The second you came I knew why you're here. This is not enough, Gulyakin. What do you want, huh? - I want to know who you're sharing Moscow with. It's not a coinsidence that your advertising budget increased with 50 percent. Tell who he is and I won't touch your cuckoo pint. I'll handle it quietly in Moscow. If not, you're fired tomorrow. Actually... - Go ahead. Come on, come on... Garrido. - That bastard! Hello, I'm at Peter's. Remind me the address. I forgot it again. You should have moved to Moscow long time ago. Why are you stuck here? I don't like your Ryazan. - I'm sorry, what? The city of Ryazan. Ryazan will be Ryazan. 90% of the population arrived from the kolkhoz. And you? Decay since the blockades. When you turn on "Nevskii prospekt" you go 300 years back in time. We have spirituality here. Look at the Vasilevski island, the Petropavlovska fort. On every corner there is a memorial sign. Once there lived a poet, a writer. The spirituality in you is like the alcoholic's vomit. I am going to "vomit" in the "vomit" store. At your place the intellectuals instead of "vomit" use "spirituality". Let's talk about the social aspect. What do you think? Nothing good. Sit, sit... Don't get up. Stay put. You're flying like... You're saving the poor citizens from trouble? Ok, I fly. I save them. I would like very much to help you in your complex work. What can I do for you? - Quit smoking right away! You better go to Ermitrazh or to Kuntskamera. The city is beautiful. We renovated it for its 300-year anniversary. And you're sitting here. Laying like a log. Do you even know what you are doing, while smoking wheed? - No. You're assisting the international terrorism. - But I didn't know. You know what? Go sleep and... take your friend, he'll freeze out here. Do want some coffee? - No. Lat night I saw Superman. - Doesn't surprise me. And my days off are to their end. Shall we do to the train station, I will be late for work Ok, let's go. Hi, Moscow is the city of contrasts, students and so on. How did you find me? - It wasn't easy. Why? - I want to invite you to my birtday. Funny! How old are you? - At my age Lermontov was already shot. - It suits you. The age? - The glasses. How is it at Petersburg? 98% humidity, strong winds... I saw Superman there. Shall we have a walk? There is no birthday, Max, right? I could't think of anything better but it used to work. And now it didn't. It's more like a date. And why not? - It's not your style. What are you listening to? À, Cure - "Next to me". I like more "Boys don't cry". Why are you always trying to buy me, Max? Julia, if you want, you can come at my place and find out everything about me. What I eat, what I drink, what music i listen to, what I read. If you want you can go through my pictures, and hack my personal e-mail. You will find out a lot of nasty things. And then you'll have the choice to leave or stay. I have to go. Hello, partners. Hi. Where did you get the tan? - Forte dei Marmi. Absolut shit. On the account of the company? - Of course. Coffee... Well, what's the news in the industry? All of our bonuses are cut off. I'm in shock! Big brother punished pappa junior because of the results from the last trimester. And what will happen with him? - Nothing... what. And what about your plans, Maxim Evgenievich? Me and pappa are fine. I make him happy before he leave. I just arrived from Petersburg. I exposed one frog with a bribe. I heard that Condratov wants a new team. They provided him with a 50 million dollars budget. - And he hired himself for 40. It appears that the construction is failing and he's firing the old team. Were you called? - Yes. No, no... We are working hard right now. I see him everyday. - Did you read "Comersant" about how the second series finds the solution? - Can you send it to me? Have you seen the new six series? It's time to change mine. I accidently came in your office, Max, and took the white powder from your desk. This is the conclusion of the exam report. A narcotic - cocaine. But that's not all, Max, i check the project "Millionaires' paradise". I talked to the local residents, asked the administration department, the local archive for the documents. A very strange place, Max, In the 30s, under Stalin, on the territory of the military division, located on this exact land, there was a secret ground polygon 674 01:04:42,417 -- 01:04:44,750 for chemical munitions. 675 01:04:44,875 -- 01:04:49,875 And there are buried ones in the forrest too. Nothing should be built there, Max. The developer didn't intend to build anything. He didn't order any residential projects from the project company. You, Max, took money on credit. Did you say something, Max? Yesterday I took... You are fired, Max. Did you take a worthy bribe? - What's wrong with you, son? One stone, two birds, huh? Is that what you thought you'll do? That you would take both the money and the bonuses from the French just before retiring? Then why didn't you check it? Why did you sign the papers so quickly? You thought you were the smartest of all of us, right puppy? You wanted my seat? Ìèñëåøå äà ñåäíåø íà ìîåòî ìÿñòî? I'm not thinking of retirement at all. I am sick of watching your high-and-mighty phiz! Fucking fag! Son of a bitch! Motherfucker! Bastard! Fucker! What you're staring? Maxim Evgenievich, would you like to call a doctor for you? Don't cry, Tarushka, you weren't lucky with your boss. He didn't even fuck you on the desk once! So... You'd better send this... No. Play disc first on the stereo and then send it at the headquarters, in Paris, directly to Monsieur Norman. You'll be back, I know it. I'll be waiting. What you're looking at? One thing I can't understand. Why people who are not stupid and who have good education are constantly trying to look dumber than they are? They are really trying to be fucking idiots. I loathe ourselves Íåíàâèæäàì íàñ ñè, not because we're white-collars but because we dream being white-collars. What are you looking at? be happy for the cellmate. They gave him parole. It's not enough, Guliyakin. I want to know who are you sharing Moscow with. It's not a coinsidence that your budget for advertising increased with 50 percent. Tell me who he is and I won't touch your cuckoo pint. I'll handle it quietly in Moscow. Garrido. You think this is normal, Max? By the way it is your fault. Yeah, sure, - Don't "yeah, sure" me. Look at her! I am here... Âèæ ÿ òè! Àç ñúì òóê... Actually what are you doing here, huh? What do you want? - I don't want anything from you. You want money? - That's it, Maximka! Enough! Stop it! Go to sleep. Let me marry you! Take off your clothes. So this is it, huh? It is. Come on! Stop it, Max! That's enough! - I am allowed to do anything. I am a shit. - You are an idiot, Max! Cow! Ok... Come on, strip for me. Quickly, take off your clothes! Quickly... Partner, are you aware of the latest corporate news? What news? I can't make a difference between my head and my ass. The vice-president and the manager of Megapolis bank department have been fired and note that, in the same day. Cool, isn't it? Is it true what they say in Petersburg? Meaning? - Everybody's talking and I thought you were gonna tell me by yourself. - Vadim, stop weaseling, speak. They say you were fired for extortion of the Petersburg's affiliate for a bribe. - Fuckers! Yeah, I know. It's bullshit. By the way you are blacklisted. You can't be hired even for a courier now. Thank God we have the club. And what happened to Garrido? - Who would ever need him there- in France, fuck him... - At least here it's fine. Ok then. See you soon. Don't get upset. I'll call you. Somehow nothing is simple anymore. Íÿêàê ñè íèùî íå å ïðîñòî. Shit, it is so complicated! Hello? Julia, hi. It's me. Hello! - Julia, it's me. I just wanted... I'm joking! You're spreaking to the machine. Leave yur message and I'll call you. I sallute you, sir. - Hi. What's up? The usual? Ok, wait here. Hi, Max! Hi. - How are you? Lovely. Better than I would like to. I read about you in "Comersant". Handsome boy! Dreams come true. - So what are going to do now? I'll write my memoirs and go on a worldwide tour. Come on! Don't get crazy! My house burned down two years ago with all my stuff, all appliances, the greenhouse, my dog and my mother in law. By the way how would you like to invest in small but profitable business? I'm afraid I'm not interested. - Don't give up just yet. The theme is amazing! These days I founded a new club with Misha Voodo. A mega project! You will get back your investment in six months. Excuse me. Misha, hi. - Hello. I need to talk to you. - Tomorrow, man, I'm exhausted now. - Where are you? I'll come to you. Tomorrow, man. Tomorrow. Haven't you seen Misha Voodo? - Who? I said Voodo. Have you seen Misha Voodo? - Ask the DJ. Thanks. Have you seen Misha? - What? Have you seen Voodo? - No, I haven't. Come here! Tell me, where is he? Fuck, speak! Bitch! Answer me! Well? Where did they go? - At the hotel. It's not really festive. Dear, where's the club? The club... Where is it? Where's the dancing? Where are the mobile walls? Where's the concrete I was standong on? Has anyone even been here in the morning? Like a construction worker? Yesterday, a work man. He took a lot of stuff. Loaded the stuff in the car. - He took it or he brought it? I'm telling you in Russian "he took it". Here! He arrived, fuck it. Who are you? - The owners. Where's Michael? - We need Voodo. Misha Voodo. Get out of here! Max... Man! So you're alive. Packing the bags? - The flight is in four hours. And you decided to gather the partners tomorrow. How many are they? - Who knows? I didn't count them, Man, what a show! I am even sorry that I'm leaving. Why did you do it, Misha? - Easy money. Easy to come, easy to go. And there you have to work like fuck. - I'll be with you in a minute, sorry. the subscriber's telephone is not switched on or it's outside network coverage. Hello. I am the owner of the club. It appears that all of us are the owners here. It's a pleasure. Is this the whole security? Does anyone know where Misha Voodo is? Take some more, It's ok for an aid fellow. Chew on it! I can;t understand is it something in the water in America? You become such fucks there. - I haven't thought about it. Maybe they are messing up with the water. I'll find out. And why are you keeping this dick in your mouth all time? This? Image, Max. Image! Max signed in too. Morone. Hello, mate! Hello. We were screwed. These people are my partners. Your partners too. We were fooled. We are fucking retards! There's no club. Never will be. And your friends took off... - Vasya, they are as my friends as yours. - Why are you so cool, huh? you don't care about your money? - Vasya, handle yourself and stop yelling. You brought me into this. That's why I lost all my money! Are you in the scheme with them, huh? Did they save for you some of the money? Vadya! - You're mocking me like I'm a rat, aren't you? Vadya, it's just money! Paper! - Where is my money? Scraps of paper! - Where is it? You're blaiming me for nothing, Vadim. All night I was trying to save your money. You won't receive it until tomorrow. Fuck you! Have a little hard time, son of a bitch. You may find out that your only friend is the money. The money, fucker. The money! Bastard! Piece of shit! pathologically greedy fuck! Hello? - Please be so kind, I'm looking for Julia. She doesn't want to speak to you. - Avdey, put Julia on the phone. Amigo, "doesn't want" means "deasn't want". What other meaning could there be? That's it. Get lost. Vadya. Vadechka, pick up the phone. Vadya! Vadya, pick up the phone! Please leave a message. The subscriber you are trying to reach is not available at the moment. They didn't call them, I won't call them either. I'm leaving. - Ok. What kind of business is this and where would go such amount of money? Calm down. Fuck! That's it! We're here! I don't know who the fuck are those people and what they're doing here or what I'm doing here. You see, I became one with this sewer. Yeah. - I blew it all. I lost my only friend. Love, career, I lost everything. I just said that. - I said it. Now you need a change. Just... something unfamiliar, something new. You understand? Do you want a complete freedom? You need to make one step. A tiny little step and that's it. Hop, hop... - Take your hand off. Do you think we have a chance, you and me? In vain. Youo know, for most of them this is something normal. A regural thing. That's it! Punch the fagot. Do it! Come on, hit him, for every moment yet to live! It's not enough... I want more! Guys, let me show you something. Alyonochka! My queen! Help me. Let me tell you what happened. You know him? - I have no idea who he is. Come on, let's go. Please, sir. For God's sake! Now it's time for rest. It's not time for visits. Do you hear me? You see, all children are sleeping already. God! Where's the little boy? There was a boy, Lyosha. Where is he? Alyosha? So you need Alyosha? He is in resuscitation. He's in a come and he won't wake up till the end. Ok. I see. Excuse me. A group of people who are calling themselves "free radicals", organized an action at the center of the city. They are screaming anti-states slogans there are constantly young people coming here joining the group. STOP GORGING! Stop immediately these illegal actions and scatter. Where are you going? What do you need? - Open. I said open! We will be forced to apply force to our actions. What are you doing? Go away! Back off! You don't have anyone to bang? I need to talk to you. Let's go before you set everything on fire and those are still calm. - Max! What do you want? Me wasting my time with you? And then I should be proud of it? I would die from such boredom. And I would die, if it wasn't for you. Stop lying, Max! Go away! - Ok, I'm leaving. Just... give me some time. Is that ok? Let's leave here together and then... Then we'll find them. Do we have a deal? - You belong to a dunghill. You'll never change, Max. I said get lost! Your time is off. Counting to ten: one... Two... - Òhree! Hello, 430. I'm listening. - Help me! Help! - Please, tell me where you are located? It's pressing me from everywhere! Do something! - Calm down. Everything will be fine. Breathe deep. Hello? - Max, hello. Julia? - Yes. Hi. - Listen... How are you? I'm wonderful. - Yeah? That's great. Where are you? - Well, I'm in the police station. Can you pick me uo? - I'll be there. Really? By the novel of Sergey Minaev "ÄÓÕLESS" Subs by Cvetelina Vladimirova @BellaTrix_17 Subs by Cvetelina Vladimirova @BellaTrix_17 Screenwriter DENIS RODIMIN Îïåðàòîð ÔÜÎÄÎÐ ËßÑ Êîìïîçèòîð ÏÀÂÅË ÅÑÅÍÈÍ Ïðåâîä è ñóáòèòðè harpv Previously on Revenge... I'm on my way to you with David Clarke's original check to Nolan Ross for Nolcorp's startup funds. Nolan, your company... Everything that you've worked for... It means nothing if it could hurt the only real family I've ever had. If you'll consider me as a replacement to my father as C.E.O., we will move on Nolcorp and triple our net worth inside a year. Meet my brother Nate. Jack's my partner in the bar. - Don't forget what you're doing here. - Turns out, they're good guys. Well, the same can't be said about their old man. How serious was it between you two? Dobry vecher. Doesn't suit you. What? The bow tie or the Russian accent? Both. Well, I'm your servant. So, uh, what do you fancy, comrade? Vodka. Okay. All right. (Clears throat) So... you got a name? Yeah. Sergei Ivovsky. You know where I can find him? Now that doesn't suit you. What? Your profession. Sergei's in the V.I.P. area with the other girls. Conrad: It's a dangerous game. When Harvard finals clubs express an interest, you don't... you don't keep them waiting, especially Phoenix, all right, where you're a legacy. I'd just like to excel on my own merits. Daniel, embrace the opportunities our name affords you. Especially since you've been opening your wallet more than your books. A $600 dinner at Meritage? (Door opens) Meanwhile, Charlotte's in the Alps with her grade school friends. Well, I am looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with my two men, just the three of us. Mr. Daniel, there's someone at the front door for you. He obviously doesn't understand that these first few months of Harvard cast the die that dictate his future. Nonsense. Daniel's a good boy with his head on straight. Woman: I see we agree on one thing already. Mother. Daniel? - I'm sorry to spring this on you now... - It was my fault. I called him a month ago... The grandson I barely knew... Who I was certain would embrace my desire to... mend fences. The three of us met for dinner... Grandma Harper, Mr. Greevy, and myself... at Meritage. Mr. Greevy? Maxwell passed... Almost a year ago. Oh. Well... I'm not sure whether to offer you my condolences or my congratulations. Love doesn't avail itself conveniently, dear. I understand Conrad was married when you met. Mm. Grandma was hoping to invite Mr. Greevy for Thanksgiving. Was she? Victoria, certainly we can afford Marion one Thanksgiving. She is your mother after all. Yes, I'm fully aware. Excuse me. Victoria, what are you doing in my things? Nothing. I just want to look pretty for Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving or for Thomas? I need all his attention focused on me this afternoon. Yes, Mother. Do you think he's gonna ask you to marry him? He'd better. We're nearly out of money. Nyet. Nyet. Nyet. (Russian accent) You. You're trembling. Dmitri will like this. Clean off your face and let me look at you again. The rest of you... Please, please, go, go. Go, go. (Sniffles) It's your first time, isn't it? Ashley: Who are you? A friend, if you'll let me be. I don't need friends. I need money. There are other ways to make money. Do you think I'd be doing this if I hadn't tried everything else? An M.F.A. in art history is useless in this town. At least here, I can use it to talk about Kandinsky. The man that you're auditioning to meet is named Dmitri Bladov. He traffics in women, the younger the better. That's why they want you with no makeup. You want to end up another victim? I just want to pay my rent, maybe get a job in a gallery somewhere. Then do that. Take this. Why are you helping me? Because you're gonna help me, too. Find out exactly when Dmitri is expected to arrive, then text the information to that number. Tell Sergei that you want to go buy a new dress before you meet Dmitri, and get the hell out of here. Don't ever come back. Man: They call it "protection money" for a reason, Carl. I-I think I'm gonna pay. They're just common hoods, Matt. Don't let 'em scare you. Well, rumor is, Ryan's gonna use Thanksgiving to send a real message to the holdouts. That means you. Let these crooks get a foothold, they'll never let go. And if you pay them, you might as well throw away your business. I'm trying to protect my business. My kids could be in danger, Carl. Yours, too. (Door opens) Jack: Whew! She's in port. Let's plan that christening. - Hey. Hey, Sammy. - Your first boat? You picked out a name for her yet? The Amanda. My boy's first crush. They were kids together. My little girls are going through that, too, now. Lucy, my youngest, is in the sixth grade. She won't let me walk her to her class anymore. (Carl and Jack chuckle) Hey, Jack, listen, I want, uh, you and Declan to go over to your grandma's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I thought we were gonna do it here. The turkey's already been thawed. Yeah, well, there's a change of plans. Something's come up. All of a sudden? Yeah. You got a problem with that? Aiden: You didn't pay for your drinks. (Sighs) Put it on Sergei's tab. You don't know Sergei. You didn't speak to him. I watched you. Keep your observations to yourself, and there'll be a big tip in it for you the next time I see you. And when will that be? (Cell phone buzzes) Tomorrow. Takeda: Your father would be proud. I don't like this time of year. Then your mission should provide needed distraction. Are you afraid? No. I'm ready. 2x08 Lineage Ladies and gentle-mensas... (Scattered chuckles) Thank you for giving up your Thanksgiving plans to join me here in the office today. I was thinking instead of working, mm, let's play a game. (Staff murmurs) Now who can figure out... The rest... Of this equation? Anyone? Anyone? Really, people? (Clears throat) Mr. Romero, - care to take a stab? - Sure. Let's see. Mm. What... What's that, a "P"? So long as that's an "I." But that spells... - "I.P.O." - We are going public, people! (Cheering) We all have everyone's favorite O.C.D. C.F.O. to thank... Mr. Marco Romero. (Cheers and laughter) (Under breath) Well, I couldn't have done it without you. (Normal voice) What's wrong with you freaks? It's Thanksgiving. Go be with someone special. Go home. Oh, and, uh, grab a bottle of champagne on your way out. On your way out. Gotta say, I'm impressed with Mom. Grandma told me they hadn't spoken in 35 years, and now Mom's breaking out her favorite china pattern. Oh, your mother's always been a big believer in second chances. What do you have there? I-I don't... I don't want to bother you if you're busy. It's... Holidays and weekends are a luxury the rich can't afford. It's one of the many things I imagine you'll change when you join the company. Um... The thing is, Dad, I... (Inhales) I may not major in business. Oh. What then? Poli-sci, pre-law? Actually, I'm taking this freshman workshop in creative writing. Poetry, specifically. And my professor actually thinks - I should consider pursuing it. - Huh. I-I don't know. I-I just thought maybe if you wanted, you could take a look at what I've written. Help me decide, you know? I'd be honored. Daniel, of course. Anything I can do to help support your dreams. How are your plans against the Graysons? On schedule. I've severed all ties with Nolcorp, closed all my bank accounts, set up six dummy fronts, one of which just bought a building on 57th street. Turns out Conrad Grayson is sleeping with one of Victoria's best friends... Lydia Davis. I was working on a strategy to turn their infidelity into my entree. That was... Before you gave me this diversion. Her name is Colleen. She was kidnapped and sold by Dmitri Bladov... 1993. Did they find her? No. With this device, we will be in constant communication. Get Dmitri alone and find me access. And then what? Then you're free to return to your true cause. Nice touch, Mother. So this reunion, it's just a charade so that you can ensnare Mr. Greevy, isn't it? Ben loves me, Victoria. When he insisted on meeting the family, my heart couldn't deny him. So he can confirm its existence. I think you'll find my Ben is a man of class and means, much like Conrad. And I hope that your heart, as mine, cannot deny him either. When have I ever denied you anything? (Doorbell rings) That's Ben. Do not disappoint me. Man: You sure are a pretty little thing, Vicky. A little glimpse of what your mama must have looked like when she was around your age. What are you now, 20, 25? 15. Victoria. Would you pour the coffee, please? Thomas and I will take it in the living room. Yes, ma'am. Victoria. Allow me to introduce Mr. Greevy. Oh, call me Ben, of course. Marion, your daughter is even more radiant than you described. Thank you so much for welcoming me into your home. The pleasure is mine, I assure you. You look transformed. Everything looks different in the harsh light of day. Which makes it even more evident why a girl like you shouldn't be here. I'm serious. You shouldn't have come back here. Not today. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Excuse me. - Are you Sergei? - Da. I'm sorry to bother you. My roommate, um, she's not feeling well, and she wanted me... to tell you that she won't be able to meet with Dmitri today. I hope this doesn't screw things up for you. But it does screw things up for me. I don't know what to tell you. She's sick. Tell me you will fill in for her. It pays $3,000. How old are you? For $3,000, how old do you want me to be? (Cell phone buzzes) Put your hands over your shoulders. Dmitri is here. Bring the vodka to the table. And don't be drunk when he takes you to the back room. (Lowered voice) Takeda, can you hear me? Yes. What do you see? At least five armed guards. Possible Russian militia. Dmitri's on his way in from the back entrance. Good. Let him take you to the safe room. When you're alone with him, I will come. You need to get out of here. It's not safe. I can take care of myself. Go. Mr. Bladov... - This is from Colleen. - Who? My sister. Emily: Gun! (Grunts) Takeda: Emily, abort the mission. Get them out of here! Go! Emily, go! (Grunts) - Go now. - I can't. Quite a bold act for such a young girl. My daddy was in the service. He taught me how to protect myself. Your daddy, huh? (Knock on door) Seichas. Business before pleasure tonight. (Beeping) (Buzzer sounds, door unlocks) (Door closes, door locks) (Lowered voice) Takeda, are you still there? I am. Where are you? In Dmitri's safe room at the west end of the hall. The entry code is 5-3-1-9-5-3. Door locks on both sides. Everyone is armed. Do not move. I will come for you. The bartender with the gun... He's Colleen's brother. Your safety must be your primary concern, not this boy. He tried to help me. I can't just let them kill him. I'll contact you when I find him. (Knocks) You called me? Yeah, I thought, uh, you were spending the holidays with someone special? Oh, no, I plan to. Oh, well, in that case... Happy Thanksgiving. (Laughs) Well, admittedly, a little untraditional, but, uh, so are we. (Sighs) What do you got there? (Chuckles) You're always looking out for everyone else, and it's time someone looked after you. Zoltan, Galaxy Defender? (Chuckles) This little guy's the reason I started coding in the first place. I know, I know. You told me on our first date. (Cell phone rings) I am sorry. It's our new accounting firm. Really, on Thanksgiving? (Ring) Robotic voice: Do not answer communicator device. (Ring) - Mwah. - (Whispers) I'm sorry. (Ring) (Normal voice) Hello? Yes. Have you ever been married, Mr. Greevy? I am a widower. Oh, I'm so sorry. It was the first thing we bonded over when we met on the cruise. Maxwell and I had the trip planned a year before he died, and... I was sure he would've wanted me to go. What a noble gesture. Conrad: And what brought you on to that boat, Ben? You see more m a yacht man than a cruise liner. Mm. Quite so. I just thought it would be nice to let somebody else steer the ship for a change. (All chuckle) And so there was Benjamin in the owner's suite, next to mine... Like it was fate. Well, it does sound almost preplanned. Where is that maid of yours? Oh, allow me, my dear. I'll walk you to the bar. In spite of what you think, Victoria, I have genuinely fallen for him. Oh, the same way you fell for your last husband? Maxwell was different. A means to an end. Oh, you don't have to tell me that. Was it worth it? The 30 years I spent with him? Of course. No. I mean what you had to do to keep him. If you're asking would I change anything, the answer is no. Look at you now... the matriarch of one of the wealthiest families in the country, a man who adores you, two beautiful children. Some would say you owe all of that to me. You may think I knocked you down, but you landed on your feet. Conrad: Ladies. Dinner is served. (Sighs) Are you all right, Victoria? You don't have to go through with this, you know? I can send them away right now. Oh, you're wrong, Conrad. (lnhales) I absolutely have to go through with this. Dad? What the hell are you doing, Jack? I told you to keep away from here tonight. Where's your brother? I left him at Grandma's. What are you doing with a gun, Dad? I'm protecting what's mine. I'm gonna fight for my boys this time. Fight who? (Flames whoosh) Son of a bitch! Get the fire extinguisher. (Hissing) What the hell is going on, Dad? One more time. Who sent you? (Spits) (Inhales deeply) (Grunts) We'll give you five minutes to consider your situation. Dmitri: (muffled voice) Then we take you somewhere special where my comrade's wish can come true. (Door closes) (Grunts) I know why you're here. I know what they did to Colleen. - Who the hell are you? - An ally. If you were, you would've let me kill him. Killing Dmitri is not gonna bring your sister back. What do you know about the downing of Flight 197? It happened a week after my sister was taken. What else? There's gotta be a bigger connection here. My father worked as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport. He worked the night the plane took off. That's how they got the bomb on the plane. No, there were the rumors, but he wouldn't have done that. - You didn't know him. - I didn't need to. They used your father the same way they used mine. Go. (Grunts) (Grunts) Move, and you both die. (Aiden grunting) Looks like you get to use those self-defense classes after all. Make your daddy proud. We should be calling the cops. No cops. Just help me fix the window. It's chilly in here. Heard a bunch of places up and down the dock got hit tonight. And on a holiday like this. It's almost like someone was trying to send us a message. You know, I got two boys of my own. Accidents happen on these docks all the time, especially to kids. Where's your little one tonight, Carl? Declan, is it? - Hey, don't you ever mention my... - Dad, Dad, don't. Don't. We'll pay. Jack, what are you... We just need a couple hours to get the cash together. - But we'll pay. - Okay. Smart kid. I'll come back in an hour, and we'll make it official. Break out a bottle of something. Let's celebrate our partnership. Me... I like blue label scotch. Rich man's candy. Jack, don't ever, ever speak for me again. (Door closes) (Whirring) Hey, the, um, the accountants found a problem. (Groans) They found the Cayman account I set up for you in 2002. Oh. God, that was so long ago. Oh, well, let me... Let me refresh your memory. It contained nearly $500 million of company assets. And as of six weeks ago, it's empty. (Clears throat) I... It's gone. But I-I didn't take it. Where is it? See, I'm your C.F.O., and you can't tell me where nearly half a billion dollars went. That doesn't work for me. Marco. Marco. Daniel, how goes that creative writing class you were so excited about? I don't know. Dad, did you get a chance to read what I gave you? I did, and I think your professor was absolutely right to commend your talents. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to send them to some publishers I know. Thank you. We're so proud of you, Daniel, no matter what you choose to do. Always know that. Mr. Greevy, do you have any children? Sadly, no. - We never found the right time. - Ah. It's a good thing, knowing when to start a family and when not to. I certainly wasn't ready when Victoria came along. Not that I... would change a moment of it. Vicky is my greatest blessing. Well, that's not what you said the day you threw me out of the house. What on earth are you talking about? Mr. Greevy, would you like to hear the story of our last Thanksgiving together? I think, we... We should go. No, I-I-I'd like to hear the story. You heard what he said, Mother. Sit down. Thomas: I am not marrying you, Marion. That is not what this is. You can't leave me! How are we gonna survive? Nobody promised to take care of you, and plus a kid. Well, if it's because of Victoria, I can send her away! Yeah, you would do that, wouldn't you? Or is she the reason that you come by at all? You are a sick woman, you know that? - Good-bye, Marion. - No! You are not leaving. - Get out of my way. - Thomas, please. - Get out of my way! - Thomas! (Drawer opens) (Gunshot) (Thud) (Panting) Victoria! Come here, quickly. (Footsteps approach) You just couldn't control yourself, could you? Batting your eyelashes like a little whore. Come here. Come here! Take the gun. Aim for his chest. (Crying) No, I can't. We'll tell the police that he attacked us, that you shot him to protect me. No jury will ever convict you. You'll be hailed as a hero. My God, Victoria, if you don't do this, they will take me away from you forever. You will be all alone. For God sake, do as I say. (Continues crying) (Sniffles) (Crying) Well... And she was right. The grand jury failed to indict me, though I was hardly hailed as a hero. The judge sentenced me to a 6-month in-patient psychiatric evaluation. By the time I was returned to her, she had already met Maxwell. And then one night, she saw him sneak into my room. And the next morning, she threw me to the curb. By that spring, they were married. It's lies. Every word of it. You threw me out on the street. I was a child. I was 15! You drove a wedge between me and every man I ever loved. I should've listened to your deadbeat father, gotten rid of you before you were even born. Conrad: Marion, that's enough! You will not say another word against my wife in this house. Marion: Where are you going? As far away from you as I can possibly get. [ Oakenfold featuring Brittany Murphy ] ♪ Faster kill fast... ♪ ♪ It's a pussycat. ♪ ♪ I can't stand to see you cry. ♪ ♪ Honey, you know where the world is at. ♪ ♪ You get what you want with your lucky eyes. ♪ Get ready. (Grunting) - Dmitri! - Go. Go! Out the back. (Woman screams) Dmitri! Takeda: Emily! (Grunts) Aah! (Panting) Stop! Aah! (Groaning) Get up. Get up and face me. (Grunts) Tell me who hired you to take my sister. (Pants) Girls come to me willingly. Not Colleen. I was there. Emily: Aiden, no! (Panting) Aiden. Now I remember. You were just a boy when we took Colleen. She called your name when you chased after us. Don't do this. No good will come of it. Listen to your girlfriend. She speaks the truth. You tell me where she is, you son of a bitch. Probably dead. Emily: If you pull that trigger, you'll never know what happened to your sister. (Pants) Please. Don't do this. Don't move! (Grunts) You saved me twice in one day. (Pants) Maybe your sister was strong like her. But mostly, they break quickly. If I remember correctly, the girl you called Colleen... She even grew to like it. Shut up. (Grunts) No! (Gunshots) (Thud) No. (Panting) Go. Take him away from here. (Continues panting) Nolan: Marco, wait. About the missing money... It all went to the daughter of our first investor. What investor, Nolan? Who are you talking about? David Clarke. What? After the conviction, I set up the account so his daughter could get what was rightfully hers. After the con... Are you insane? You don't know the whole story. David was innocent. Okay, you are insane if you believe those conspiracy theories. Think about how this looks, Nolan, for you, for the company. You are Nolan Ross. That name means something now. There would be no company without David, and look, I wasn't about to screw over his daughter after everything that she had been through. Oh... If you don't... get that, then I don't think we have a future together. Wow. Um... Okay, you... are choosing a convicted terrorist over me. No. I'm choosing a man that took me at my word over my name. And, uh... you're fired. Wow. - Here's your share of the company. - Oh, no. No, I want no ties with you or your blood money. Go to hell, Nolan. (Door opens) (Door closes) Why, Victoria? This was all I had. This was my last chance. You had many chances before this one. When Maxwell died, we were nearly penniless. I sold the house, liquidated my savings. I have nothing. But the fur on your back? It serves you right for choosing a pedophile over your own daughter. I thought at least you'd enjoy taking pity on me. Pity's not a quality you've taught me. I have nowhere to go. Mm. Well... We do have a good number of rooms here. Pity, as you say, none of them are for you. You vindictive bitch. Oh, I learned from the best. Good-bye, Mother. I have no doubt that you'll land on your feet. Is that Daniel's poetry? Merely copies, I imagine. Well, surely, it can't be that bad. Oh, on the contrary. "We speak in hushed voices, "so as not to wake our memories, "the things we've done, "the things we'll continue to do, "for fear of breaking the cycle, "how fierce we were when we were young, when we were unafraid of coming unhinged." (Paper rustles) It's for his own good, really. You know, I'll have some publishers send Daniel courteous rejections, and our son will go on to take his place at the head of Grayson Global, where he belongs. "For fear of breaking the cycle." Well, you certainly did with your mother. I just wired Mr. Greevy a sizeable sum, and he thanked us for giving him "the role of his lifetime." Was it worth it? Hmm? Staging their run-in on the cruise and orchestrating your mother's demise? Has the darkness finally been lifted? Ask me tomorrow. Glad you came to your senses, Porter. Take it, and don't ever threaten my kids again. You know, you might want to share your newfound peace of mind with the rest of your pals before it's too late. For some, it already is. (Grunts) Matt, what the hell are you doing? Gutter rat put my little girl in the emergency room. Hit and run right outside my front door. - Give me the gun. - It belongs to you anyway. I followed him down here. Broke in and stole it from behind your bar. I'm sorry. But Ryan had it coming to him. You know that. We're in this together, right? Jack: Dad? ! Wait here. (Motor starts) Mr. Duncan. Hey... Jack. Hey, how's it going? What's going on? That sounded like... engine backfired. Just showing Matt your new vessel. That's a hell of a boat. Yeah. Hey, Jack, why don't you go back inside? - It's freezing out. - Yeah, I know that. You coming? Yeah, right behind you. Is this your father? What was he like? He was kind... Generous, funny... (Chuckles) Humble but strong. He would've died for me. Like my sister. She didn't deserve what she got. If your sensei will have me, I want to learn how to save her. What if she can't be saved? Then I want to learn how to punish every person that helped destroy her... So that no family has to suffer the way that mine... That way that our families suffered. If you would have told me six years ago that I'd be here... (Chuckles) in this bed... with you... I would never have believed it. You fought for me when nobody else would. And somehow you convinced Takeda to take me on. (Laughs) I blackmailed him. (Laughs) Told him it was both of us or neither. (Chuckles) Well, it makes you wonder, a guy that smart... maybe this was Takeda's plan all along. You better not disappear on me again. I won't, Amanda. Man: Thanks, man. You get your brother's boat all tied up? Yeah. Well, thanks again for letting us use your slip to bring the booze in. Yeah, I mean, it should save us some money, right? Which we could use to spruce up the place. Maybe get people ordering this instead of the usual swill. That's blue label. It's expensive. Yeah. My pop's drink. You know what he used to call it? Rich man's candy. All right. (Phone rings) (Ring) (Beep) Hello? Daniel: Is this Marco Romero? Who is this? Do you know what time it is? Oh, it's late. My apologies. My name's Daniel Grayson with Grayson Global. I have a business proposition for you... one that involves Nolcorp. I'm listening. Age-old cure for anxiety. Mm. Well, I'm quite certain this won't bring me the solace I need, now that Daniel has made himself a target. You have to help me protect our son. Well, then we have to block him from taking control of the board, no matter what it takes. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't want him to have the job. Never thought I would see so many things that have come to pass, but here we are. Perhaps Daniel should've been a poet after all. (Sighs) Where'd you sneak off to? I wanted to show you something since you're not going anywhere anytime soon. (Chuckles) Everything about my father's conspiracy is in this box. Everything... About the girl I left behind when I started on all of this. (Exhales) God, it feels like a lifetime ago. For me, too. Double infinity. (Huffs) A journey with no end. Previously on Revenge... I'm on my way to you with David Clarke's original check to Nolan Ross for Nolcorp's startup funds. Nolan, your company... Everything that you've worked for... It means nothing if it could hurt the only real family I've ever had. If you'll consider me as a replacement to my father as C.E.O., we will move on Nolcorp and triple our net worth inside a year. Meet my brother Nate. Jack's my partner in the bar. - Don't forget what you're doing here. - Turns out, they're good guys. Well, the same can't be said about their old man. How serious was it between you two? Dobry vecher. Doesn't suit you. What? The bow tie or the Russian accent? Both. Well, I'm your servant. So, uh, what do you fancy, comrade? Vodka. Okay. All right. {Clears throat} So... you got a name? Yeah. Sergei Ivovsky. You know where I can find him? Now that doesn't suit you. What? Your profession. Sergei's in the V.I.P. area with the other girls. It'sa dangerousgame. When Harvard finals clubs express an interest, you don't... you don't keep them waiting, especially Phoenix, all right, where you're a legacy. I'd just like to excel on my own merits. Daniel, embrace the opportunities our name affords you. Especially since you've been opening your wallet more than your books. A $600 dinner at Meritage? {Door opens} Meanwhile, Charlotte's in the Alps with her grade school friends. Well, I am looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with my two men, just the three of us. Mr. Daniel, there's someone at the front door for you. He obviously doesn't understand that these first few months of Harvard cast the die that dictate his future. Nonsense. Daniel's a good boy with his head on straight. Iseewe agree on one thing already. Mother. Daniel? - I'm sorry to spring this on you now... - It was my fault. I called him a month ago... The grandson I barely knew... Who I was certain would embrace my desire to... mend fences. The three of us met for dinner... Grandma Harper, Mr. Greevy, and myself... at Meritage. Mr. Greevy? Maxwell passed... Almost a year ago. Oh. Well... I'm not sure whether to offer you my condolences or my congratulations. Love doesn't avail itself conveniently, dear. I understand Conrad was married when you met. Mm. Grandma was hoping to invite Mr. Greevy for Thanksgiving. Was she? Victoria, certainly we can afford Marion one Thanksgiving. She is your mother after all. Yes, I'm fully aware. Excuse me. Victoria, what are you doing in my things? Nothing. I just want to look pretty for Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving or for Thomas? I need all his attention focused on me this afternoon. Yes, Mother. Do you think he's gonna ask you to marry him? He'd better. We're nearly out of money. Nyet. Nyet. Nyet. {Russian accent} You. You're trembling. Dmitri will like this. Clean off your face and let me look at you again. The rest of you... Please, please, go, go. Go, go. It's your first time, isn't it? Whoareyou? A friend, if you'll let me be. I don't need friends. I need money. There are other ways to make money. Do you think I'd be doing this if I hadn't tried everything else? An M.F.A. in art history is useless in this town. At least here, I can use it to talk about Kandinsky. The man that you're auditioning to meet is named Dmitri Bladov. He traffics in women, the younger the better. That's why they want you with no makeup. You want to end up another victim? I just want to pay my rent, maybe get a job in a gallery somewhere. Then do that. Take this. Why are you helping me? Because you're gonna help me, too. Find out exactly when Dmitri is expected to arrive, then text the information to that number. Tell Sergei that you want to go buy a new dress before you meet Dmitri, and get the hell out of here. Don't ever come back. Theycallit "protection money" for a reason, Carl. I-I think I'm gonna pay. They're just common hoods, Matt. Don't let 'em scare you. Well, rumor is, Ryan's gonna use Thanksgiving to send a real message to the holdouts. That means you. Let these crooks get a foothold, they'll never let go. And if you pay them, you might as well throw away your business. I'm trying to protect my business. My kids could be in danger, Carl. Yours, too. {Door opens} Whew! She's in port. Let's plan that christening. - Hey. Hey, Sammy. - Your first boat? You picked out a name for her yet? The Amanda. My boy's first crush. They were kids together. My little girls are going through that, too, now. Lucy, my youngest, is in the sixth grade. She won't let me walk her to her class anymore. {Carl and Jack chuckle} Hey, Jack, listen, I want, uh, you and Declan to go over to your grandma's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I thought we were gonna do it here. The turkey's already been thawed. Yeah, well, there's a change of plans. Something's come up. All of a sudden? Yeah. You got a problem with that? You didn't pay for your drinks. Put it on Sergei's tab. You don't know Sergei. You didn't speak to him. I watched you. Keep your observations to yourself, and there'll be a big tip in it for you the next time I see you. And when will that be? {Cell phone buzzes} Tomorrow. Your father would be proud. I don't like this time of year. Then your mission should provide needed distraction. Are you afraid? No. I'm ready. Ladies and gentle-mensas... {Scattered chuckles} Thank you for giving up your Thanksgiving plans to join me here in the office today. I was thinking instead of working, mm, let's play a game. {Staff murmurs} Now who can figure out... The rest... Of this equation? Anyone? Anyone? Really, people? {Clears throat} Mr. Romero, - care to take a stab? - Sure. Let's see. Mm. What... What's that, a "p"? So long as that's an "I." But that spells... - "I.P.O." - We are going public, people! We all have everyone's favorite O.C.D. C.F.O. to thank... Mr. Marco Romero. {Cheers and laughter} {Under breath} Well, I couldn't have done it without you. {Normal voice} What's wrong with you freaks? It's Thanksgiving. Go be with someone special. Go home. Oh, and, uh, grab a bottle of champagne on your way out. On your way out. Gotta say, I'm impressed with Mom. Grandma told me they hadn't spoken in 35 years, and now Mom's breaking out her favorite china pattern. Oh, your mother's always been a big believer in second chances. What do you have there? I-I don't... I don't want to bother you if you're busy. It's... Holidays and weekends are a luxury the rich can't afford. It's one of the many things I imagine you'll change when you join the company. Um... The thing is, Dad, I... I may not major in business. Oh. What then? Poli-sci, pre-law? Actually, I'm taking this freshman workshop in creative writing. Poetry, specifically. And my professor actually thinks - I should consider pursuing it. - Huh. I-I don't know. I-I just thought maybe if you wanted, you could take a look at what I've written. Help me decide, you know? I'd be honored. Daniel, of course. Anything I can do to help support your dreams. How are your plans against the Graysons? On schedule. I've severed all ties with Nolcorp, closed all my bank accounts, set up six dummy fronts, one of which just bought a building on 57th street. Turns out Conrad Grayson is sleeping with one of Victoria's best friends... Lydia Davis. I was working on a strategy to turn their infidelity into my entree. That was... Before you gave me this diversion. Her name is Colleen. She was kidnapped and sold by Dmitri Bladov... 1993. Did they find her? No. With this device, we will be in constant communication. Get Dmitri alone and find me access. And then what? Then you're free to return to your true cause. Nice touch, Mother. So this reunion, it's just a charade so that you can ensnare Mr. Greevy, isn't it? Ben loves me, Victoria. When he insisted on meeting the family, my heart couldn't deny him. So he can confirm its existence. I think you'll find my Ben is a man of class and means, much like Conrad. And I hope that your heart, as mine, cannot deny him either. When have I ever denied you anything? {Doorbell rings} That's Ben. Do not disappoint me. Yousureare a pretty little thing, Vicky. A little glimpse of what your mama must have looked like when she was around your age. What are you now, 20, 25? 15. Victoria. Would you pour the coffee, please? Thomas and I will take it in the living room. Yes, ma'am. Victoria. Allow me to introduce Mr. Greevy. Oh, call me Ben, of course. Marion, your daughter is even more radiant than you described. Thank you so much for welcoming me into your home. The pleasure is mine, I assure you. You look transformed. Everything looks different in the harsh light of day. Which makes it even more evident why a girl like you shouldn't be here. I'm serious. You shouldn't have come back here. Not today. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Excuse me. - Are you Sergei? - Da. I'm sorry to bother you. My roommate, um, she's not feeling well, and she wanted me... to tell you that she won't be able to meet with Dmitri today. I hope this doesn't screw things up for you. But it does screw things up for me. I don't know what to tell you. She's sick. Tell me you will fill in for her. It pays $3,000. How old are you? For $3,000, how old do you want me to be? {Cell phone buzzes} Put your hands over your shoulders. Dmitri is here. Bring the vodka to the table. And don't be drunk when he takes you to the back room. {Lowered voice} Takeda, can you hear me? Yes. What do you see? At least five armed guards. Possible Russian militia. Dmitri's on his way in from the back entrance. Good. Let him take you to the safe room. When you're alone with him, I will come. You need to get out of here. It's not safe. I can take care of myself. Go. Mr. Bladov... - This is from Colleen. - Who? My sister. Gun! Emily, abort the mission. Get them out of here! Go! Emily, go! - Go now. - I can't. Quite a bold act for such a young girl. My daddy was in the service. He taught me how to protect myself. Your daddy, huh? {Knock on door} Seichas. Business before pleasure tonight. {Buzzer sounds, door unlocks} {Door closes, door locks} {Lowered voice} Takeda, are you still there? I am. Where are you? In Dmitri's safe room at the west end of the hall. The entry code is 5-3-1-9-5-3. Door locks on both sides. Everyone is armed. Do not move. I will come for you. The bartender with the gun... He's Colleen's brother. Your safety must be your primary concern, not this boy. He tried to help me. I can't just let them kill him. I'll contact you when I find him. You called me? Yeah, I thought, uh, you were spending the holidays with someone special? Oh, no, I plan to. Oh, well, in that case... Happy Thanksgiving. Well, admittedly, a little untraditional, but, uh, so are we. What do you got there? You're always looking out for everyone else, and it's time someone looked after you. Zoltan, Galaxy Defender? This little guy's the reason I started coding in the first place. I know, I know. You told me on our first date. {Cell phone rings} I am sorry. It's our new accounting firm. Really, on Thanksgiving? {Robotic voice} Do not answer communicator device. - Mwah. - I'm sorry. {Normal voice} Hello? Yes. Have you ever been married, Mr. Greevy? I am a widower. Oh, I'm so sorry. It was the first thing we bonded over when we met on the cruise. Maxwell and I had the trip planned a year before he died, and... I was sure he would've wanted me to go. What a noble gesture. Andwhatbroughtyou on to that boat, Ben? You see more m a yacht man than a cruise liner. Mm. Quite so. I just thought it would be nice to let somebody else steer the ship for a change. {All chuckle} And so there was Benjamin in the owner's suite, next to mine... Like it was fate. Well, it does sound almost preplanned. Where is that maid of yours? Oh, allow me, my dear. I'll walk you to the bar. In spite of what you think, Victoria, I have genuinely fallen for him. Oh, the same way you fell for your last husband? Maxwell was different. A means to an end. Oh, you don't have to tell me that. Was it worth it? The 30 years I spent with him? Of course. No. I mean what you had to do to keep him. If you're asking would I change anything, the answer is no. Look at you now... the matriarch of one of the wealthiest families in the country, a man who adores you, two beautiful children. Some would say you owe all of that to me. You may think I knocked you down, but you landed on your feet. Ladies. Dinner is served. Are you all right, Victoria? You don't have to go through with this, you know? I can send them away right now. Oh, you're wrong, Conrad. I absolutely have to go through with this. Dad? What the hell are you doing, Jack? I told you to keep away from here tonight. Where's your brother? I left him at Grandma's. What are you doing with a gun, Dad? I'm protecting what's mine. I'm gonna fight for my boys this time. Fight who? {Flames whoosh} Son of a bitch! Get the fire extinguisher. What the hell is going on, Dad? One more time. Who sent you? {Inhales deeply} We'll give you five minutes to consider your situation. {Dmitri, muffled voice} Then we take you somewhere special where my comrade's wish can come true. {Door closes} I know why you're here. I know what they did to Colleen. - Who the hell are you? - An ally. If you were, you would've let me kill him. Killing Dmitri is not gonna bring your sister back. What do you know about the downing of Flight 197? It happened a week after my sister was taken. What else? There's gotta be a bigger connection here. My father worked as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport. He worked the night the plane took off. That's how they got the bomb on the plane. No, there were the rumors, but he wouldn't have done that. - You didn't know him. - I didn't need to. They used your father the same way they used mine. Go. Move, and you both die. {Aiden grunting} Looks like you get to use those self-defense classes after all. Make your daddy proud. We should be calling the cops. No cops. Just help me fix the window. It's chilly in here. Heard a bunch of places up and down the dock got hit tonight. And on a holiday like this. It's almost like someone was trying to send us a message. You know, I got two boys of my own. Accidents happen on these docks all the time, especially to kids. Where's your little one tonight, Carl? Declan, is it? - Hey, don't you ever mention my... - Dad, Dad, don't. Don't. We'll pay. Jack, what are you... We just need a couple hours to get the cash together. - But we'll pay. - Okay. Smart kid. I'll come back in an hour, and we'll make it official. Break out a bottle of something. Let's celebrate our partnership. Me... I like blue label scotch. Rich man's candy. Jack, don't ever, ever speak for me again. {Door closes} Hey, the, um, the accountants found a problem. They found the Cayman account I set up for you in 2002. Oh. God, that was so long ago. Oh, well, let me... Let me refresh your memory. It contained nearly $500 million of company assets. And as of six weeks ago, it's empty. {Clears throat} I... It's gone. But I-I didn't take it. Where is it? See, I'm your C.F.O., and you can't tell me where nearly half a billion dollars went. That doesn't work for me. Marco. Marco. Daniel, how goes that creative writing class you were so excited about? I don't know. Dad, did you get a chance to read what I gave you? I did, and I think your professor was absolutely right to commend your talents. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to send them to some publishers I know. Thank you. We're so proud of you, Daniel, no matter what you choose to do. Always know that. Mr. Greevy, do you have any children? Sadly, no. - We never found the right time. - Ah. It's a good thing, knowing when to start a family and when not to. I certainly wasn't ready when Victoria came along. Not that I... would change a moment of it. Vicky is my greatest blessing. Well, that's not what you said the day you threw me out of the house. What on earth are you talking about? Mr. Greevy, would you like to hear the story of our last Thanksgiving together? I think, we... We should go. No, I-I-I'd like to hear the story. You heard what he said, Mother. Sit down. Iamnot marrying you, Marion. That is not what this is. You can't leave me! How are we gonna survive? Nobody promised to take care of you, and plus a kid. Well, if it's because of Victoria, I can send her away! Yeah, you would do that, wouldn't you? Or is she the reason that you come by at all? You are a sick woman, you know that? - Good-bye, Marion. - No! You are not leaving. - Get out of my way. - Thomas, please. - Get out of my way! - Thomas! {Drawer opens} Victoria! Come here, quickly. {Footsteps approach} You just couldn't control yourself, could you? Batting your eyelashes like a little whore. Come here. Come here! Take the gun. Aim for his chest. No, I can't. We'll tell the police that he attacked us, that you shot him to protect me. No jury will ever convict you. You'll be hailed as a hero. My God, Victoria, if you don't do this, they will take me away from you forever. You will be all alone. For God sake, do as I say. {Continues crying} Well... And she was right. The grand jury failed to indict me, though I was hardly hailed as a hero. The judge sentenced me to a 6-month in-patient psychiatric evaluation. By the time I was returned to her, she had already met Maxwell. And then one night, she saw him sneak into my room. And the next morning, she threw me to the curb. By that spring, they were married. It's lies. Every word of it. You threw me out on the street. I was a child. I was 15! You drove a wedge between me and every man I ever loved. I should've listened to your deadbeat father, gotten rid of you before you were even born. Marion,that'senough! You will not say another word against my wife in this house. Whereareyougoing? As far away from you as I can possibly get. {Oakenfold featuring Brittany Murphy} ♪ Faster kill fast... ♪ ♪ It's a pussycat. ♪ ♪ I can't stand to see you cry. ♪ ♪ Honey, you know where the world is at. ♪ ♪ You get what you want with your lucky eyes. ♪ Get ready. - Dmitri! - Go. Go! Out the back. {Woman screams} Dmitri! Emily! Aah! Stop! Aah! Get up. Get up and face me. Tell me who hired you to take my sister. Girls come to me willingly. Not Colleen. I was there. Aiden,no! Aiden. Now I remember. You were just a boy when we took Colleen. She called your name when you chased after us. Don't do this. No good will come of it. Listen to your girlfriend. She speaks the truth. You tell me where she is, you son of a bitch. Probably dead. Ifyoupullthattrigger, you'll never know what happened to your sister. Please. Don't do this. Don't move! You saved me twice in one day. Maybe your sister was strong like her. But mostly, they break quickly. If I remember correctly, the girl you called Colleen... She even grew to like it. Shut up. No! No. Go. Take him away from here. {Continues panting} Marco,wait. About the missing money... It all went to the daughter of our first investor. What investor, Nolan? Who are you talking about? David Clarke. What? After the conviction, I set up the account so his daughter could get what was rightfully hers. After the con... Are you insane? You don't know the whole story. David was innocent. Okay, you are insane if you believe those conspiracy theories. Think about how this looks, Nolan, for you, for the company. You are Nolan Ross. That name means something now. There would be no company without David, and look, I wasn't about to screw over his daughter after everything that she had been through. Oh... If you don't... get that, then I don't think we have a future together. Wow. Um... Okay, you... are choosing a convicted terrorist over me. No. I'm choosing a man that took me at my word over my name. And, uh... you're fired. Wow. - Here's your share of the company. - Oh, no. No, I want no ties with you or your blood money. Go to hell, Nolan. {Door opens} {Door closes} Why, Victoria? This was all I had. This was my last chance. You had many chances before this one. When Maxwell died, we were nearly penniless. I sold the house, liquidated my savings. I have nothing. But the fur on your back? It serves you right for choosing a pedophile over your own daughter. I thought at least you'd enjoy taking pity on me. Pity's not a quality you've taught me. I have nowhere to go. Mm. Well... We do have a good number of rooms here. Pity, as you say, none of them are for you. You vindictive bitch. Oh, I learned from the best. Good-bye, Mother. I have no doubt that you'll land on your feet. Is that Daniel's poetry? Merely copies, I imagine. Well, surely, it can't be that bad. Oh, on the contrary. "We speak in hushed voices, "so as not to wake our memories, "the things we've done, "the things we'll continue to do, "for fear of breaking the cycle, "how fierce we were when we were young, when we were unafraid of coming unhinged." {Paper rustles} It's for his own good, really. You know, I'll have some publishers send Daniel courteous rejections, and our son will go on to take his place at the head of Grayson Global, where he belongs. "For fear of breaking the cycle." Well, you certainly did with your mother. I just wired Mr. Greevy a sizeable sum, and he thanked us for giving him "the role of his lifetime." Was it worth it? Hmm? Staging their run-in on the cruise and orchestrating your mother's demise? Has the darkness finally been lifted? Ask me tomorrow. Glad you came to your senses, Porter. Take it, and don't ever threaten my kids again. You know, you might want to share your newfound peace of mind with the rest of your pals before it's too late. For some, it already is. Matt, what the hell are you doing? Gutter rat put my little girl in the emergency room. Hit and run right outside my front door. - Give me the gun. - It belongs to you anyway. I followed him down here. Broke in and stole it from behind your bar. I'm sorry. But Ryan had it coming to him. You know that. We're in this together, right? Dad? ! Wait here. {Motor starts} Mr. Duncan. Hey... Jack. Hey, how's it going? What's going on? That sounded like... engine backfired. Just showing Matt your new vessel. That's a hell of a boat. Yeah. Hey, Jack, why don't you go back inside? - It's freezing out. - Yeah, I know that. You coming? Yeah, right behind you. Is this your father? What was he like? He was kind... Generous, funny... Humble but strong. He would've died for me. Like my sister. She didn't deserve what she got. If your sensei will have me, I want to learn how to save her. What if she can't be saved? Then I want to learn how to punish every person that helped destroy her... So that no family has to suffer the way that mine... That way that our families suffered. If you would have told me six years ago that I'd be here... in this bed... with you... I would never have believed it. You fought for me when nobody else would. And somehow you convinced Takeda to take me on. I blackmailed him. Told him it was both of us or neither. Well, it makes you wonder, a guy that smart... maybe this was Takeda's plan all along. You better not disappear on me again. I won't, Amanda. Thanks,man. You get your brother's boat all tied up? Yeah. Well, thanks again for letting us use your slip to bring the booze in. Yeah, I mean, it should save us some money, right? Which we could use to spruce up the place. Maybe get people ordering this instead of the usual swill. That's blue label. It's expensive. Yeah. My pop's drink. You know what he used to call it? Rich man's candy. All right. {Phone rings} Hello? IsthisMarcoRomero? Who is this? Do you know what time it is? Oh, it's late. My apologies. My name's Daniel Grayson with Grayson Global. I have a business proposition for you... one that involves Nolcorp. I'm listening. Age-old cure for anxiety. Mm. Well, I'm quite certain this won't bring me the solace I need, now that Daniel has made himself a target. You have to help me protect our son. Well, then we have to block him from taking control of the board, no matter what it takes. I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't want him to have the job. Never thought I would see so many things that have come to pass, but here we are. Perhaps Daniel should've been a poet after all. Where'd you sneak off to? I wanted to show you something since you're not going anywhere anytime soon. Everything about my father's conspiracy is in this box. Everything... About the girl I left behind when I started on all of this. God, it feels like a lifetime ago. For me, too. Double infinity. A journey with no end. We told you, you cannot get the refrigerator door all the way open before the light comes on. So that's why you called us here, Al? No! I signed us up for the Northside Kickball Classic this weekend. And Shayla is sponsoring our team! What's Shayla? Uh, Shayla's my store. Duh! No, not "duh". X-E-L-A spells Shayla? I didn't know you could say it. I thought it was a four-letter Celtic symbol for "failure". LAUGHTER Stop. C'mon! Guys! It'll be fun. Plus, it's great advertising. I mean, that bakery for dogs sponsored a team, and it really helped their business. Until the recession hit and they realised it's a bakery for dogs. They closed, All Dogs Go To Evans? Well, we have a really busy weekend, Al. I'm getting my hair done, and my book club is doing a brunch crawl. I will be observing the live birth of a baby calf. I know it might sound stupid, but I started going to church. Guys! This could be our last chance to do something all together. Next year, Brad and Jane could have a baby. Aww! Aww! No! No! Dave could go out of business. He might not even stay in Chicago. Why would I leave Chicago? Max could be dead or presumed missing. Or presumed dead. And Penny'll probably be divorcing. (GASPS) Thank you! You bet. So come on, please! Please! Oh, I'm getting a call. Sorry. Hello? It's Pretty Please. Let me talk to her! What? HELLO! (LAUGHS) Hey, Pretty Please. No, you're cute. Girl, what you up to? Oh, still asking people to play kickball? OK. Guys, this bitch is like a dog with a bone. I think we gotta play. All right, if you guys want me to be the lovable, gruff player/manager... Nobody wants you to be that. ...then we need to talk salary. I'm willing to work for league maximum, cos there's no way you are getting Max for the minimum. There'll be warm beer in the dugout. OK, throw in a lifetime of memories I can cherish now and always and you got yourself a manager. Guys, look what I found for the big game - my old eyeblack. Take that, sun. I got nature's eyeblack right here. Melanin, baby. It's what makes me brown. Dave, I got to talk to you. As the team's self-appointed player/manager, I got to let you know I'm dropping you down to the six-hole, champ. I'm kicking six? That's last. I should be kicking clean-up. Have you forgotten that my right foot is a half-size bigger than my left - size eight, bitches? No-one is questioning your freakish feet, Dave. It's just you haven't been the same since the incident. You went 0 for 33 after that. Something happened up here, you haven't been able to kick since. You got a bad case of the yips, hammy. Like when Chuck Knoblauch couldn't throw or Wang Chung tried to have fun the following night. Yips don't lie, hammy. You got yips, hammy. I'm over that! That was a long time ago, hammies. Whoa, Dave... Dave! Racist. Face it, you're prone to the yips. Remember when you forgot the words to Gangsta's Paradise? You still can't perform a eulogy. You should be worrying about you. All you do is bunt. You're damn right I do. I love a big bunt, all right? I play kick-moneyball, and I get on base every time. It's all about numbers, baby, and the numbers say I'm kicking 1,000. People call me Bunt Cake. No-one calls you that. Nobody calls me the guy who defuses situations with unexpected compliments, but that doesn't mean it's not true. Dave, have your fingers lost weight? Thank you for noticing. Yeah, man, they're lean and mean, especially for a guy with the yips. All right, you know what? It's ridiculous. That is ridiculous! LAUGHTER You can't get the yips in kickball. Oh, yeah? David, then kick this. What? Max! That's a bowling ball! ♪ Yi-yips! (BOTH) # Yi-yi-yi-yips! I'm actually getting pumped for kickball. It is a great place to meet guys. Last year, my friend Cory collided at home plate with this really cute catcher. She still can't see colours and he has a titanium knee, but they're getting married! Oh, cute! So cute! Jane, what's wrong with your car? Oh, routine maintenance. Boring car stuff, intake manifold, whatnot. Hey, Jane, first game's at ten tomorrow. Here's your jersey. Good on you for hyphenating. What, you're playing kickball for their team? I'm sorry. I signed up with them months ago, and when I commit, I stay committed. What about that Guatemalan kid you stopped sponsoring after a month? When I send $25, I expect a letter, Adolfo. OK, come on, quit them. Join us. It'll be fun! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You see, I like to win, so I'm taking my talents to Southside Kaz's Auto Body Shop. That is cold-blooded, LaBlonde Jane. Typical Ruthless Jane. Just like when we were kids and you stole my spot on Baboo the Green Monkey Funky Hour. And the last little poacher to get to join us for the Baboo Boogie, Alex Kerkovich! Yay! Oh, Jane, I wish we both coulda won. Yeah, me too. Oh, well. Come on up here, Alex! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me, Alex! Let's boogie! I remember that! You took your prize trip and you contracted that flesh-eating strep bacteria. That should've been my flesh-eating strep bacteria. But it's all good, Jane. You play for your auto-body team. But Team Xela is gonna have fun. And we're gonna win! Oh, silly Alex. Wins are for winners. So, uh, are you in a bad mood now, or can we still go and try on wigs? I'm not great. Hm. ♪ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" Play ball! Hello, Chicago, and welcome to the first day of the annual Northside Kickball Classic. I am Duckie Blenkinship. Fun fact - two teenagers locked me in that Porta Potty last year. I've seen it all, folks. Duckie has seen it all. All right, everybody, this is what we do. We're gonna start with some light stretching. That will be followed by some heavy losing, which will then be followed by some even heavier drinking. Come on, Max, I think we could win this whole damn thing. My right fielder's in six-inch heels. My kickball shoes make me look like a lesbian! I got this guy over here. I can't tell if he's practising his kicking or gently nudging that thing to make sure it's still alive. My third baseman's priorities are way out of whack. Which eyeblack should I choose, Ebony Heat or Midnight Storm? Face it, Jane was the only good player on this team, and she crap-damn bailed on us. Look at that traitor. I hate her. Those long, lithe legs just sticking out of those teeny-tiny shorts, just teasing. I'm gonna hate her, like, five times tonight. Guys, I'm talking about sex. Got it. Well, at least we got Scotty. Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I was getting juiced up. Mango and orange. Also doing steroids. For my thyroid condition. And for strength. Cos of my weak spine. Cos I do too many steroids. Ooh, sunflower seeds! These are good roughage. Swallowed a plastic bag I'm trying to pass. (DUCKIE) Bottom of the fifth, and Team... I don't know how to say this, folks. Exceller? ...Is two outs away from being knocked out in the first round, much like I got knocked out by that teenage girl when I politely asked her if her dog could quit biting my hands. Here we go. 'Here's the pitch.' Strike two! Time-out. 'Oh, another swing and a miss, and that is strike two.' Dave, you're 0 for 4, you've left seven men on base. This pitcher's got my number, man. What did we talk about, huh? Visualisation. You see the ball, you kick the ball. See the ball, you kick the ball. See the ball, kick the ball. 'Rose steps back in after a pep talk. The pitch...' And Dave Rose is down on strikes. Grab some bench. And Team Seelo is down to their final out. Well, we had a good run. Actually, we had no runs. Where are we getting pizza? Amici's. I overheard in the men's room that's where everyone's going. That was me in the men's room! I love Amici's! Guys, stop it! We still have a chance. Max, you're the manager. You're supposed to inspire. I got nothing left. Dare it out. Brad, I still haven't heard anyone chant "Bunt Cake" yet. No-one chants that. But they could. Penny, you came here to met guys. I don't see no ring on that finger. (GASPS) Dave, you can still get over your yips. We've got one out left, and we will win this, because we're a team! You didn't do me. Shut up! I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna start a rally! Come on! It's Kerkovich at the plate. The pitch... It's out of here! Unbelievable, folks, a gigantic home run from a child-sized woman. Very impressive for a chubby! Dave Rose... He is terrible! And Penny Hartz... And Team Zazou wins. Wow, what a comeback! Yeah! We did it! Yeah! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah! You might not suck! Left foot, right? Left, left... Yesss! And Team Zazou wins 11-5, and they're just one win away from the championship game. That was so amazing today! Yep, I managed a hell of a game out there. OK, game ball time. OK, bring it in. And the game ball goes to... Max, for managing a hell of a game out there. Oh, looky, looky, it's Jane-edict Arnold. Hello, Jane. Hello, Newman. I don't know if you've heard, but we got game. Kickball game. Looks like we're meeting Kaz's Auto Body in the semifinals. The kickball semifinals. Classic battle, good versus evil, Bulls versus Pistons, My Aunt Michelle versus hepatitis B. And we got moves you don't even know about. I know your one move. Bunt. They call me Bunt Cake. Man, no-one calls you that! Anyway, you're only as good as your weakest link. I'm talking about yipsy-kye-ay motherfailure over there. See the ball, kick the ball. See the kick, kick the Penny. No, David! Ohhhh! Good luck with that. Yeah, don't worry about my team, Jane, all right? Cos we're a team. We stick together. It's called loyalty. March 17 at 11:35 pm. Tony then went on meeting and never came out. At 13:20 h vanishes His cell phone signal and since then the victim Mobile is no longer active. G. Your Honor, why would my Mr. Bardesa party address? Together they had a nightclub. When she decided to sell Jorkal, found a buyer who is paid a large sum on the black market, without the knowledge of my husband. The money is divided into two parts, but my husband quickly realized that the cheated and asked my part. In its entirety. Jorkal the arranged a meeting and killed him. G. Honor, telephone accounts were prove only one thing. And that is that I am always Bardes called. He harassed me. Fuakalo me for it. Safe I was not dead and was hiding to accuse me. -Rub the interesting topics. Is there any evidence that Mr. Bardes disappeared, except for the claims of his wife? No. But it is not the first time that Mr. Jorkal connected with the disappearance. I would have had much to say about his ex-partner. What does that insinuate? I have a file on his activities that you may be interested. Tell Tony to stop pretend to be dead. The file could be ga sent to 20 years in the slammer. Odvjetniee, your Party threatened witness. My lawyer has a case file. G. Your Honor, I'm not a snitch, but if the Lord does not cease to lie, Mr. Clement will make you ga. Not true. My husband is dead! You did not mention any evidence! Among the documents that you brought my wife. DVD, Bardes. What are you doing? Dig at my stuff? I wondered whether a blank DVD you kidding me or my PC. You spent a good day? -It was exhausting. I have not stopped. And you? I'm okay. I learned all sorts of things. Right. What exactly? -Everything. You know I'm a little naive. We teach. What do you mean? What am I? Boyfriend, lover, partner, friend? What am I? You'll ruin everything. I spoke with the president. He confirmed to me that you get case of smuggling weapons. Thank you, Mr. tužioee. -And in the case Raulic must proceed cautiously. The minister is to meet with members of the State Judicial Council. Rumors are started. -That's what I wanted. Did you know that you will uncover Garnier nestruenosti directed anger the entire system itself. I can not be silent. I would like to I can, but I can not make allowances. Naeelniee! -G. tužioee. -Naeelniee. I lead an investigation into the Erkan Ylmaza suicide. I learned of this when you are. -Let in my office? -For you. -Bye. He studied the file and I have I admit that amazed that you have discovered smuggling weapons. Fantastique! Thank you. I prefer to try to uncover organization, but the risk is too great. Such people are antennae. If you suspect that you have them on the trail, ye shall not ieega. I agree, Mr. Honor. Will Commander Berthaud run operation? I do not know. Frankly, I do not like to her behavior. That is unbearable. Has good nose, like lovaekog dog is set as a boss. Seen I was at work. It's incredible. Too bad it's antipatiena. -Really bad. Berthaudice ... Thank you, Chief. You can go by foot. Thank you. Tomorrow three point attack. Home Umit Cetin, site and Soliman. Will help our team specials. Would no longer take the risk. Serge, let us send out the Tax someone found moonlighting. To help us provide information illegals about Umit Cetin, we have to be gentle. Tomorrow you have to be in shape. Are you going Tintin tonight? I'm going. -Boy will not let you go? I'll call him and say that I do. -I take you? -Can. I will come immediately. I'm going down. Gilo! Yeah? Let's go! I'll see you there? I'm going with Vincent. -Good. You told me to do this smuggling, I would not be embarrassed in front of Lenoir. You do not like it. What? -A disgrace. It's not that. Fuaka me for Lenoir and Hervillea. Think only of the minister's interest. I do not want more compete with you. Clear? Probably gonna take off his tie. I will not, because the first time I go to them. -There is no minister. You are not supposed to. Thanks for the gifts, but a more not end up in the hospital. Stop it, honey. The preppy. Do you have to run faster and avoid the bullets. And these are the short pants that go along with the sneakers? Open-ga. We all have something to write. And Herville, Laura's new friend, the signed. -I remember that I exist? The bullet hole. Not bad. Take it how you want. Amina think of it. I've been against. Stop it. Let's have champagne! No worries, statistically speaking, more to him nothing could happen. Are you ever afraid? For her? I am in constant fear. Amina, help me around the grill. notforgetus . BrothersSarahoui I'm sorry. I have to the basement to get something. Within the next weekend all I'll take it. No worries. Cure,champagne Gilo- coming! Here you go. Beretta/ ? i92ndNotregistered. The number is deleted. Bravo. -Can I have my service pistol? Do you have news about Nabil? -No. The bullets? Commander. Relax. Motion. Police! Hands up! Where is your husband? ' Do not talk to me in Turkish! Where do you husband? ! We will save time. Do not fuck with me! Are you reading French newspaper. Hands up! Whereisit ? Do not move! Show me your hands! Exit out! Exit! Slowly! Up against the wall! Hands up! Do not move! Give me your other hand! SALE! Where are these morons? ! Gilo,weCetin. Šeepao 're illegals? -There's nobody here. They did not come. serves to tracking. Stupid Herville. Hurry Soliman Shit! Silence! 15 minutes ago 're arrested because of black labor, helping when entering country zloeinaeko association and possession of weapons. So you have no right to invade someone's home. I am an honest worker. Why did you then hid in the shower? Because I was a stranger, and the cops France does not like strangers. Sure. Do you know him? I've never seen. -It's weird. He kept hanging in Soliman. Çetin reported Only one worker. But the accounts has 150,000 euro. Obrae lot of money. Do you see this woman? In order for the tax. Checks whether plaaaš contributing workers. You send only one worker and the accounts have a lot of money. Is it normal to you? I do and I'm fine goes. It's not a crime. It is not a crime? Odvjetniee Clément? Here we go in your office. No sudden movements. I headed to the office, heard I heard two shots, turned 's Nothing you do not remember? Neither brand engine and faceless? No, everything is quickly loosened. Was The two men, they had helmets. No, I'm not ga never seen. -Fabrice! Wait two minutes. Here you go. It was Bardes. Seen I pic in days of the judge's office. You told the cops? -I. As a witness had lost the case. I thought ga is Jorkal killed. Jorkal knew he was alive. He indicated his woman to have a file on him. Blank DVD. Bardes ga wanted to take the shot. They could kill you too. I have to believe that the Jorkalu cared. Get rid of it and hand the case Colleague before shit right points. Remember what we decided When we opened the office. I will not advocate dangerous people and have no problem with cops. And you're saying this to me! Stop it! J. P.! If you do not tell us where the weapon, you'll find him. What is your garage? What is it? I do not know. The first time I there. -Kidding? ! We saw you! Not bad. We have the whole day. Bingo! Here's a calendar. Below were crates with weapons. Where are the weapons? What weapon? Stop it. Saw I ga. Erkan ga is photographed. There were two crates full weapons. You hid them? -It could possibly. Wesearchedthegardenandfound one crate. Thank you, Serge. They found him. The bad news. Let's go! Mr. Honor! Just go to you. It's all I know. Bardes was killed in front of your office. It's almost a miracle. Jorkal is certainly happy. I'm here to officially required to release it. I've already taken steps are required. I will send a fax to jail as soon as Attorneys office sent me the file. They'll be around RELEASED noon. Thank you, Mr. Honor. No need to thank me. That's the law. But I will not give up. I will prove that he has committed Jorkal crime of incitement to murder. Do their job. There is nothing of which to be afraid. My poor Pierre, in you've gotten it? If you quit, you will praise you fucked up, pardon the word. If you do not leave, life You are in danger. Good Luck! Zapisuješ? Two AK-47, Uzi, Mini narrow, two AK-47, six pistols, two frames. Whose is it? Whose is it? -not mine. Missing half of the arsenal. Search We kafia, flat, but no boxes. I know. Call Hervillea, its you darling. I will solve Roban. Amina, call forenzieare and pirotehnieare. I'll do you a favor. I will tell the judge that you co-operated if you tell me where the second crate because int the photos there were two. The second you drove a car that yesterday You hired the name Yasmine Azin. Shut up you're gonna end up in auzi! Take ga or will end badly! Herville thanks you first orgasm today. I did not know that he can enjoy. Fuck! Yeah? What? Coming. Problems? -No. See you at the station. Come in.. Odvjetniee-Clément, just nice of you to come, but we are waiting for his wife. Would emerge. I told her you'll let me pick. I do not know what you exactly because do not need a lawyer. Why do you think 'll leave it at that? but the judge wants to Sew Bardesovu death. If I think of what really happens, you will have problems. If you're worried about money, always know that you pay your debt. I'm not worried about it. 5000 euros a month plus a fee for the defense in the new case Bardes. All right. Due to misunderstanding decisions to release Yvan Raulica I have decided that it is necessary to explain a key point. I liberated sexual criminals, but an innocent man. Is there any evidence against Raulica? I'm sorry, but they did not. without being worried wants whether accuse an innocent man. Yvan Raulic has a firm alibi. They did not recognize all of the victims, a psychiatrist admitted that Judge Garnier pressured Responding to submit report. You are aware that you are threatening sanctions? That's all for today. Thank you. You have come to watch irreversibly I fall into the abyss of Justice? A young woman, a rape victim ... Borel-Marie? I'll call her. Had committed suicide. Escoffier. -Commander Morel. I called. We are on the corpse find your card. Should I remove my shoes? No need, we have already taken fingerprints. Do you know him? -I know. It one of my informant. How was he killed? -Jean Carle, please! He was killed with this Beretta 92 FF. The number is deleted. I apologize. We have to find it. Brothers Sarahoui Subtitles by Deptford Mum, I know you're there Mum Open up, for fuck's sake Mum I'd have fetched you if you'd told me What did you expect? That slapper didn't bother to visit you once Don't say hello, then - Come to mine. My dad's in hospital - I'm off Where? Somewhere - Have you got any dosh? - I've a placement A placement? Cool. How much will you earn? Laeti, wait. What's wrong? I've a job for you - It's easy money - I'm not doing that stuff any more You won't last two days SERIES CREATED BY ALEXANDRA CLERT Where have you been? - Do you have the photos? - Yeah He'll clock us. He's not stupid Exactly It'll put pressure on him He's been beaten up He's weak. He may give up the names of his accomplices His lawyer? - He's not here yet - Perfect Everything OK? We'll make Blanco talk Tell us when his lawyer arrives Hello Don't even try I won't say a word until my lawyer gets here Fuck. You're the clowns who crashed into me You can't pull stunts like that - I'm talking to you - They really went to town on him Have you seen that burn? - I spilled brake fluid on myself - Really? I mend cars in my neighbourhood. You can check - It's your job to check that - Of course Shall I show him the photos? What's this shit? A mother and her seven-year-old... found dead in the canal, tied together Why are you showing me this? We think you and your gang are involved in "this shit" This is crazy. I don't have a gang You and the lads who rob cashpoints aren't a gang? Look. This one's really funny This one's my favourite - Look - That's not me - That's not me - if you say so These photos and that burn will put you away for at least four years Times that by four for the murders That makes 16 I've got nothing to do with any of it I almost want to believe you But you're our only link between the two cases Either give up your fellow raiders... or take the rap for the murders I won't rat on anybody No one would know. This is off the record Before your lawyer shows up... Forget it. He's a moron. He doesn't know what's good for him Thanks. I couldn't find it Hello. I'm Aurélien Lefort, your lawyer I need a word with my client We just need a quick half-hour to talk things over. Don't worry it's fine. I don't want a lawyer What? Do you have shit for brains? I don't want a lawyer. Get lost He's basically asking you to leave Thank you Zach was behind the raid Zach? Zach. Zacharie. Everyone calls him the Nutjob What's he doing? You said this was off the record - Relax. It won't be in the report - Is the laptop freaking you out? I can do it old school, if you'd rather - What's the Nutjob's surname? - I only know his first name - And your other colleague? - Zach called him Sharif I'd never seen him before First and last time I work with that son of a bitch! Where does Zach live? No idea. We always met at a cafe near the station in Asnières Do you know him? - Are you sure? - Never seen him before How did you get your job at Travelcity? Zach said they wanted people to wash cars I just went along with my CV Your CV? - Did Zach know someone in the office? - No idea. I'm not the police Show me the woman I've seen her before. I've seen her with Zach When? Three weeks ago, she was in the cafe in Asnières I remember thinking that she was really fit That she was cute.. How was she with Zach? Did she seem to know him well? I don't know. They spoke, then she left Why? Who is she? It's her I must be thinking of someone else That's not what you just said Go and get him. I need a lawyer Come in Well, boss... We've cocked up We went for Jaulin and overlooked Sandrine Apparently, she knew one of the raiders She met him regularly at a cafe in Asnières. Blanco told us that Some man called Zach... What was Sandrine Jaulin doing with this Zach? Gilou, here are the two raiders' files... and the report from the fingerprint expert Great Are you listening? What was the murder victim doing with this raider? What do we really know about Sandrine Jaulin? What do we have on Sandrine Jaulin? We overlooked her Well done. Excellent work What do we have on the raiders? We have their records. Here are their prints He's Zacharie Gabbaï - Known as the Nutjob. The skinhead - I can read He used to work in transport security Fired for gross misconduct - he beat up a guy His record is as long as my arm He served three years for aggravated robbery and assault in March 2011 This is his childhood pal, Marouane Benamar, known as Sharif His record is a bit better - just two robberies when he was a minor Do we know where these two live? No. We don't yet have an address Did they both carry out the raids? Yes. But their prints don't match the ones from the car Maybe there was a fourth person Or maybe someone used the car before them OK. Let's make this simple Let's review Sandrine Jaulin Job, family, phone, contacts... what's in her fridge, the number of her chiropodist... I want to know everything For these two geniuses... Circulate photos and descriptions We'll keep their families under surveillance Let's look into the cafe where Blanco claims he saw Zach in Aubervilliers - Asnières - Asnières, what? The cafe isn't in Aubervilliers. It's in Asnières Berthaud, are we getting anywhere with Sandrine Jaulin? - What do you mean? - Forget it Are you sure we can't try to contact your mum? We've staff trained in mediation... No. I just need a place to stay for a few weeks. I can cope afterwards The three nice rooms in Gennevilliers are all occupied What should we do? If you had a kid, it would be easy if you had a kid, it would be easy Should I go and get myself knocked up? There's another organisation which may have rooms Here you go Are you joking? They were the ones who told me to come here Where do I sleep tonight? We'll find something else. Wait. We'll find something - What do you think? - Don't be mean - That's, crazy - You need to relax - Calm down - Stop it What's that Swiss Army knife thing? - Give me your hand - What? - Stop. That's too hard - What's that? - What are you doing? - It looks pretty - No, it really hurts - Wait No, it doesn't What's your plan? Come in You want me to pat you and your team on the back And you've come here at the busiest moment of my day We caught a criminal gang in front of the Commissioner What else must we do? - You're forgetting the dog you shot - The fucking dog attacked us He was tied up. Now I have the RSPCA on my back Fuck the RSPCA. The real victims are the old biddies who were mugged We've now reassured them Those old biddies only remember how you shot a poor, defenceless animal This makes us all look like idiots Have you applied to Head Office? Yves I'm a hands-on man It's the right time for me to be in CID You'll need more than just one case to save your reputation You'll need a dozen cases like this And you can't let anything untoward happen You've no idea how hard my men grafted to catch this gang... the risks they took You want to focus on that fucking dog Wait till we wrap up the two murders it won't be down to coppers like you Stop saying yes. Look here Look. I've been paid the wrong amount My client was remanded in custody before appearing in court So I've been paid the wrong rate it's a difference of 98 Euros - If you think it's a mistake.. - I don't think anything, it's a fact I'm sure you're right You'll need to post a claims form By post? That's ridiculous. I'm here. Can't we do it now? Claims are always done by post. You should know that Don't take that tone with me! I don't have time for post I'm sorry. Now, if you wouldn't mind, other people are waiting I think I know for whom you'll be voting I haven't changed my mind I hope not Right, I'll go and do my duty See you soon, old friend My learned friend Thanks Hello See? Even the old guard are behind you Does he know me? No. But he'll vote for you I told him you were Cicero reincarnated. That convinced him Wasn't Cicero assassinated? That young woman is looking for you What brings you here? How's Jaulin? Not good. Why? - Tell him to hang in there - That's all I do. Why? We've got a new lead Sandrine had links to the raiders The cash machine raiders? We caught one of them. I'm taking the report to Roban If your client is feeling suicidal, tell him to wait a bit - Good luck in the elections - Thanks - Did you vote for yourself? - Yes! - Are you coming with me? - Yeah You tell me that Blanco recognised Sandrine Jaulin... but the report contradicts that He didn't want to be linked to the murders. It was off the record He also told us he saw Zach with Sandrine.. Off the record We can't use it if it's off the record But it's still a lead it shows the victim in a new light Sandrine's life was more complex than we thought We may have missed something We were trying to link Jaulin to the raiders Apparently it was his wife who knew them Is this apparently or definitely? Let's say that Sandrine did know this Zach The fact remains that Jaulin and Blanco worked for the same firm That doesn't mean they knew each other it doesn't preclude Jaulin's having something to do... with the deaths of his wife and daughter This sort of heinous crime always involves a family member That doesn't have to mean her husband Perhaps. But for the moment, the most likely suspect is her husband JP, would you give me a hand, please? Here you go This stuff is from Sandrine Jaulin's office at the estate agents Rental agreements, application forms, potential clients... That should keep us busy Oh, shit Yeah? No. I can't today Can't your sister pick them up? No I have too much work on. I can't Listen, I'm not in Paris I'm with Gilou on a stakeout Yeah. We're out in the sticks We're in Reims, actually. It's a pain in the arse What about pink biscuits? They're a speciality from Reims They dip them in champagne. I'd love to try them What are you doing here? Do you live here now? At university we virtually lived on top of each other Then, our apartments got bigger Now you sleep on your office floor At least come by to see the kids - Shit. Christine.. - Get off me Pathetic little man You look better ls the doctor looking in on you? I've some news Let's not get ahead of ourselves But it seems the cloud is lifting The investigation is no longer solely focused on you, but on your wife.. On her character, and her possible links to thugs Does that ring any bells? Thugs? Raiders, yes I mentioned it last time. Things are clearer now - The raiders and Sandrine? - If it's true, it's great news for us - Really? - Yeah You must tell me anything about her which backs up this idea OK? The judge will probably question you about it He's gunning for me if the evidence proves that Sandrine was in contact with the raiders... we could argue for your release - You just don't want me to top myself - That's not so The noose is loosening. Stéphane - Really? - Yes, it really is! Really? Yes, it really is! Will I be able to see my son? We'll fight for that Come closer. You don't have any reach there You box like a copper. Predictable Zach the Nutjob, you said? - Yes. Does that ring any bells? - Maybe it does He works with a guy called Marouane Benamar or "Sharif" We think they're planning a raid Gilou, I like you But I can't work with you What's the problem? - Don't stop. You were doing well - Go on. Explain You can trust me Does this Blanco guy even exist? Can I trust you? Really? Wait. Why can't you trust us? What's the problem? Come on The other night, your mate.. - Tintin, isn't it? - Yeah He followed me all night Not very discreet... What's your game? Are you spying on me? - Did you know? - I'll sort it - Did you know or not? - I'll sort it No one else will follow you. Believe me I want to believe you, Gilou. Really, I do But I'm done with the others All Sandrine Jaulin's apartments were in Seine-Saint-Denis... Aulnay-sous-Bois, Sevran, Livry-Gargan I did some digging and found a client with a studio in Villepinte.. And two other flats - one in Val-de-Marne, in Bonneuil... and one in Hauts-de-Seine in Asnières Asnières! Asnières. OK. What else? Look where the flat is It's two streets from the cafe where Blanco met Zach - Zach's mobile was traced there - Yes That's not all The tenant is one Jean-Luc Lesage.. A civil servant in the education sector it has to be a fake identity Here's his payslip My kids could make a better forgery - Sandrine Jaulin let this go? - Yeah, it's weird Unless she was in on it She could have been the one who found the flat for this guy Maybe he couldn't use his real identity. Perhaps both - Zach fits the bill - Yeah - it's worth checking it out - Definitely You can go home. You don't have to come Going home early once won't change things. I can't face it any more Did you see Djibril? No big news on Zach All we know is that he used to go to the gym a fair bit He loved body building What a first-class snitch! Is that why you want to cock this up? What do you mean? Don't pretend you don't know. Why did you tail him? I just watched his bar for one night. So what? You followed Djibril? Who asked you to do that? From the start, I haven't trusted him He pretends to be hard up, but drives fancy cars He hangs around in fancy parts of town He's taking us for a ride! You think snitches are shifty? Do bears shit in the woods? - Laure's right. Go on, transfer - Let's suck up to Djibril - Seriously... - Fuck That's enough. Calm down Calm down. Gilou Shut it - Bastard - Piss off OK. That's enough Enough Calm down Calm down Stop. St op. Stop Gilou, look at me Stop it Stop it. OK? OK? Calm down. Let's focus on Asnières. We'll discuss this later What about Asnières? See? Some of us are hard at work - Asnières - Enough Roban! What's the matter? It's nothing, really When I was a child, I was always having nosebleeds They've come back They don't last long When you revert to childhood, it's a sign of wisdom Tell me, old friend... I've heard Jaulin would prefer divine justice to dealing with you You've become a feared judge. Congratulations But it would be better for all involved... if Jaulin could wait for his conviction before he tries again Marianne, please check... whether Stéphane Jaulin is able to come and see me I'm sure he'll be able to come Why should a little suicide attempt get in the way of justice? I'll call the remand centre now - Good evening - Good evening Good evening Good evening Good evening, my learned friend Good evening, Pierre Good evening, Mrs Perez - Chairman - Good evening Good evening Well, my learned friends... I don't want to drag out this unbearable suspense any longer The results from the first round of votes in the Bar Council elections... Number of voters - 10,653 Votes cast - 10,582 Those elected in the first round .,. There are three this year... Bertrand Pasquier-Lefort - 2,934... Juliette Ouazani - 2,654... and... Pierre Clément - 2,302 In the first round? Unbelievable - Thanks - Well done Thanks Thanks Participating in the second round are Gilles Dudek - 1,752 votes... and Anne Kessler - 501 votes... - What name is the flat rented under? - Lesage. Jean-Luc Lesage Can I help you? Hello. We're actually friends of Jean-Luc Lesage We wanted to surprise him but we can't remember which door is his - Lesage? - Yeah I don't know him. What's he like? Early thirties, with a shaved head it's the door just over there - But he's no longer there - Really? When did he leave? I don't know. Some kids came round the other day Kids off the estate. They emptied the place Is this the man? Yes Do you know when they cleared the place? I think it was last week - Have you seen him since? - No Thanks Thanks He's gone. Shall we search the place now? No, we'll have to wait until a decent hour We can't sit in the car for five hours. We'll freeze Tintin will do it. I take it you're not going home? - Well, no - Let's do that I have my sleeping bag. I don't care Do you want my gloves? You scrub up well Everyone's staring at you, even the chicks Yeah - What are you doing? - Wait a second Stop that. I'll look like a hook er What happened to Sandrine? I just saw it on the news Police have her husband. About time they did something good Look. He's here Don't mention it to Zach. He's had enough of it Get in the front - Hi, Zach - Hi You've changed... for the better You were right. She's all grown up Are you enjoying freedom? Yeah, it's cool Did she explain? 1,000 now, 3,000 after So I chat up the guy, then. .? Just flirt with him, that's all. Take this Only use this one now. OK? Turn yours off That's right That's just for starters. Are you happy? - Congratulations - Thanks Thanks very much Pierre, do you know Astrid Perez, from the firm Leroy-Perez? - Of course. Nice to meet you - Congratulations First nomination, elected in the first round... Top marks. Well done Do you know Joséphine Karlsson? Excuse me Let's talk later The effect victory has on women... The gloves are off Who was that slut? Leroy-Perez law firm - Good evening, Pierre. Well done - Thanks Thanks very much it's like a carousel What are you doing? Are you smoking in my car? The guy with the beige jacket.,. ., .do you see him? Go on Go - What's she playing at? - Relax That's right That's right. Go in I've always believed in fate. How about you? I don't know Life's rich tapestry... I've always believed in my lucky star Really? Two hours ago I didn't know you. I didn't even know you existed We follow the current and see where it takees us You've beautiful eyes Where's the bathroom? It's there 26 AVENUE MARX DORMOY 53B 29, SECOND DOOR When you regard your fellow man... you look as if you'd like to rip off their heads It's as if you were from another planet... sent down to scout out whether we're edible or not I'm hungry. Shall we go to dinner? Gladly Excuse me for a moment. I'll be back You've reached Joséphine Karlsson's answerphone Please leave a message Where are you? I can't find you anywhere. I hope you haven't gone Call me back. I love you Wait. There's no rush - Am I moving too quickly? - Yes The doorbell went. Aren't you going to go? It's that bitch next door. Every time I play music she complains She's pissing me off. Open it Fuck off... Go gently Fucking stop it, Zach. Don't whack his head. What are you thinking? What the fuck are you doing? Not his head! Calm down. Stay there Not his head! Are you OK? What are you going to do to him? What do you want? What do you want? We're going to keep him company for a bit Don't worry. You did well I gave the flowers to the caretaker. Don't be upset At least I made someone happy After a trial, do you always send flowers to the loser? I can't work out if it's charming or arrogant I'm still unsure See it as a mark of respect for your talent You're wasting this talent it's a shame When you let me tear strips off your expert... I thought it was part of your plan I was sure it was too easy. You were hiding something But in fact, no. Nothing Nothing up your sleeve Apart from Lesueur, stammering his eighth version of events... it was the truth. And you know it The what? The truth? What is this novel idea? Does it win cases? Let's just say it helps Decidedly not! Who on Earth told you that? If someone utters that word during a hearing, take umbrage Joséphine, be sincere when you're insincere Feign anger, if need be Dazzle the witness and the jury You've what it takes You're going against your true nature Do you know my true nature? You've only met me a few times. You don't know me You shouldn't be representing victims With a judge for a father... What's my father got to do with it? I like to know the people I beat Your reaction proves that you're a carnivore, not a herbivore I think I'm a bit old to be talking to a careers adviser. I'm off But Joséphine.. Go on. Get it. Hurry up What the fuck is that bastard doing? Come on Here we go You stupid bastard, what took you so long? Very good Good Any longer and you'd be blown up Get going. What are you waiting for? Three more and it's over. Just drive. Don't be an idiot Come on Go on Blubbing won't help you. Get going it's OK it's empty The rubbish chute is blocked - Shall we call Forensics anyway? - No There's a bag blocking it Fuck I'll try and get it out There's an easier way Gilou, there's an easier way Go on, sweetie. What's the hold-up? - What are you doing? Come on - Wait. I'm coaxing it. It's stuck Go on, sweetie. Give it your all Go on. Push What are you playing at? Push Are you OK? I'm fine Are you sure? Yeah. I'm OK Go on Go on. Really push it I'm telling you, it's stuck Got it. I think it's gone down Yes, it's coming down Go on. Yeah. That's great. That hits the spot There we go Go on. A bit more That's enough I think that's it Well... What do we have here? Crisps There's this. Look. Pep's Power. Extra protein for muscles Planet Body Did you say Zach was into body building? So it would seem Look at this Electric cable 9-volt batteries Modelling clay Modelling clay What would they do with that? Entertain their kids? An imitation bomb If it doesn't explode, what's the point? Gilou? Yeah You were right They've a new plan. They're pulling out all the stops I' ll come down OK Hello. A coffee, please Thanks It's me We managed to miss each other yesterday I looked everywhere for you I wanted to celebrate with you - with you, in particular... I'll call you back Yes. Thanks Move it Don't you have work to do? Well...? Nothing from Brink's or Sécuritas - all their employees are accounted for How late? One of Eurosecur's ATM maintenance guys is late Very late? He's 20 minutes late. He hasn't activated his emergency code - Where? - Pantin. He oversees four cashpoints Find out his usual route. The Pantin unit can guard each ATM Come on All hands on deck What sort of car does he drive? Great. Thanks very much - What's his name? - Frank Pernet He has a Renault Trafic Yes. Come in Remove his handcuffs, please Your Honour You deny knowing Cédric Gouzet aka Blanco You've the same employer, yet you've never seen nor met him... nor even noticed him from afar No, Your Honour My client worked at the head office. He didn't visit the branches My learned friend, just to be clear... I'm going to summon your client again... so I can interview him with the aforesaid Blanco Why? They don't know each other if we can believe the accused... Consider what you're subjecting my client to - He's suffering - Please.. My wife used to meet with raiders. Let's discuss that That doesn't appear anywhere it's not there? What my client means to say is... do we know everything about Sandrine's private life? Ask the person who told you that I can't see anything of that sort in the report So I won't be released? If your lawyer's told you that, he's been rather rash it's highly unlikely You told me I'd be released I told you we'd request your release and we will You're entitled to Before we finish, have you any questions? - No - When do I get to see my son? I asked a question. Answer me. When can I see my child? - You can... - When can I see him? Fuck Come here Put it down or I'll stab him Drop it or I'll stab him. Quickly Put it down. Don't try and be smart. Open the door - Stéphane - Shut it Open the door - Move to the left - Calm down Move aside I'm moving away. I'm putting down my gun - Don't try anything - Relax - Careful - I've put down my weapon I won't go back to prison. I want to see my son Don't move or I'll stab him Calm down I don't want to go back to prison. I want my kid - Stéphane - Shut up I know what you'll say, you son of a bitch Put down your weapon Drop it Move and I'll stab him, you bastard - Drop your weapon - Don't move, you son of a bitch - Drop your weapon, now - Don't move, you bastard Get down, now Lie on the floor Give me your hand Handcuff him Give me your hands Your Honour, call an ambulance Lift him up Put him on the bench Don't move It's me. We managed to miss each other yesterday I looked everywhere for you I wanted to celebrate with you - with you, in particular Shame. I wanted to tell you something I wanted to tell you I love you I'm happy you're in my life I've decided we should live together. So that's that I love you. Call me Hello, Pierre Joséphine Karlsson. Who are you? Sorry? What's happened to him? I can't hear you. Where? - Laure Berthaud. Where is he? - Hi, Chief Inspector. In the van - Who are you waiting for? - Bomb disposal He's covered in modelling clay! - How do you know? - We saw the packet, it's Play-Doh It looks identical to PE4. My men say the whole area could go up You can't just leave him there to die - No - He's about to peg it I won't take the risk. Chief Inspector, I'm securing the area it's just modelling clay! It's just modelling clay! Get the fuck off me - Fucking hell - Let go of me Shit - What's this, you dickheads? A bomb? - Go ahead, lads Quickly What are they playing at? Let's go. Hurry up We're losing him. Tachycardia of 200 Hurry up. Every minute counts Bullet wound. Heart rate's 157 Give me his stats 18 units of O negative, please. Everything we've got Have we got a trace? Hurry up. Blood pressure? Blood pressure 40 over 60. He's crashing He's flat lining. Shock him He's in bradycardia Don't stay here OK. Use it all Hurry up with the blood. Give me the paddles Get ready to shock him Charging. 250 joules Charging. Ready? - Do we have a trace? - No OK. 300 joules, charging. Ready? - Nothing at all. Again - 350 Charging. Ready? Let's go. Can I have the blood, please? What are his stats? OK. Start the cardiac massage. No trace 20mg of adrenaline, please, Quickly - I'll compress the wound - 100 per minute Stop. Do we have a trace? Nothing. He's flatlining. Carry on Yes, boss Yeah. It looks like he suffocated on the gag The post-mortem will confirm it What? That can't be Yeah Of course Previously on Spiral... SPIRAL 4 State of Terror What about the Kurd? A suicide. The coroner found this -Where's this from? M-72 rocket launchers, Kalashnikovs... You have the photos, the Soliman... Find the weapons and whoever brought them I don't want these on the estates -He's giving away his hideout Çetin, it's Yussuf There's a problem on the site. Come quickly No, he's leaving! If you want to let Raulic out, go ahead I'll support you He did it When it happened, Raulic was in Cherbourg You think I'd lie? We did you a favour. Now do what I asked you I can't get the licence -You'll drop me in it I'm sorry, Nabil We need to talk -Talk about what? There was no 30,000... Take his gun Special Branch came to see me. They're watching the squat And they want me to inform on you Give me the officers on Hugo's case I want names addresses, photos... Special Branch will love this SPIRAL 4 State of Terror The victim was a minor, known to the police with multiple drug convictions, suggesting this was a reprisal The attackers used an automatic Uzi pistol so you can imagine, if these are on the streets we need to react immediately The minister will announce a new plan to counter gunrunning Great So after the burglary, the robbery and the custody plans, now it's the gunrunning plan When a child has been shot on the street we're expected to react That's all we ever do Our priorities change every week And we don't need the minister to remind us that guns are a problem I don't know about you but my station is already working on a Turkish gunrunning case We were tracking illegal workers and found a stash of guns We've traced them back to Iraq via Kurdistan We're making progress and you can tell the minister we'll be making arrests When? -Within 24 hours That's exactly what the minister wants to hear See, Vincent? Not everyone reacts. Some people plan ahead Bye. Have a good day Thank you. Good bye Thank you for seeing us We know all this -How was I supposed to know? At least I got something. I don't spend my life with Riffaut Have you seen, among Riffaut's associates a tall man with a limp? Yannis Tzakri A Greek activist suspected of killing a police officer "Suspected"? Is there a warrant on him? No He killed an officer in Greece but was released after a procedural error He entered France via Belgium and as he knows Riffaut, we think they've made contact Without a warrant, he can do what he wants He's dangerous, and we want to know what he's doing in France I have no idea Now I'm afraid I have to get back to work Do you work with this man? You think you can blackmail me with that? Two consenting adults... Both single, by the way No, but you seem very close And? His reputation suffered badly after that pesky paedophilia scandal If we tell the bench you're in breach of confidentiality and you're struck off the bar he's fucked You know what people will say. Birds of a feather... I want to know if Yannis Tzakri has contacted Riffaut and what he's doing in France You can keep this Gentlemen Were they police officers? Why do you say that? They just looked like officers Look, they weren't police officers. Stop winding me up -All right? -Can you talk? I'm on a stakeout, but go on I need information on some people who came to the office I just have a numberplate. BA-569-KZ You know this is breaking the law? -Yes, I'm sorry. But it's important All right, since it's you. Let me write it down OK, can you say that again? BA-569-KZ OK, I'll let you know as soon as I can See you God, this is depressing Only 847 hits? Here That's him Joseph Vanderberg Head of the Belgian Property Office He's coming to Paris to sign a contract to build a new prison outside Ostende We'll kidnap him What, us? And demand the closure of every prison in Europe Guys! Are you with us? I'm with you, Thomas Me too, but I'm allowed to ask questions, all right? Who told you to come in? Karlsson left a message at the café. I think it's urgent It's OK. Leave him All right? -Tell me about the 30 grand Nabil gave you 30 grand for the late licence and the jewel job We were honest -We paid up You paid up? I never saw your money If I had, I'd have wiped my arse with it Let's ask him what happened to the money Then we'll see Sit down. Have a drink You don't think I called him? Nabil fucked off with your money Now give me back my gun I said now -OK, but you'll get us another one A gun? I'm your arms dealer now? How else will you get your gun back? Go on I'm curious Something's happening Go on, snap him Number plate? 553 DPF-91 The car's going in He's picking something up I'll call Gilou. Here Gilou, where are you? We need you What do you mean? You have Serge and Amina. You don't need me Yes, we do. Where are you? I'm at the office, checking something for Tintin -Can you check a numberplate for me? -OK Any news on the Kurd case? -I'm talking to Laure Come to my office -I'll call back Should we wait for her? -Yeah, right Serge, it's Laure. We have movement We'll tail them. You follow us. Rue de la Solidarité Roger The Kurdish illegals meet at Café Soliman That's their employer, Umit Çetin Forget the illegals. Where are the two chests of guns? Maybe we can link that serial number to the shooting I had the number checked on every database and got nothing Well, we can't just sit here gawping at photos Yes? -Berthaud, come back to the station No, we're tailing Çetin That's an order Serge, we're too close. Overtake If Çetin's using this car to move guns we need to know where he's going If they're guns, pull him over Are you sure? -No, that's why we're tailing him Either you stop him or you come back What do we do? Back down -OK, no problem Berthaud, new strategy. It's time to kick the ant hill Didn't Escoffier tell you? Çetin moves the guns But we don't know how he does it So we arrest all illegal aliens working for him One will talk if we offer him papers They won't talk Yilmaz preferred to kill himself You're starting to piss me off, Berthaud! Shit! Shit! Tomorrow morning, we bring in the Kurds If you don't like it, I'll use another team I'm taking your cars. Keys I've had it with him! It's like he was born to wind me up Fucking hell Trowing a tantrum about it won't help Is that what I'm doing? Throwing a tantrum? Sort of. And you might have lost us the case Me? Can you leave, please? You need to stop licking Herville's arse I'm just trying to see his side And he has a point The longer we wait, the more we risk losing the guns So I'm off the case. Should I be grateful? No, you just say nothing, and move on like me I don't know why you're doing this but your attitude is shit You're letting us down Are you out of your mind? -President You released Yvan Raulic, a habitual offender? You know we have zero tolerance for sex offenders Raulic is not a sex offender -Then what is he? He's a habitual burglar who was used as a scapegoat It was a disgrace to the justice system so I ended it Do you want another Outreaux? Certainly not The press will lynch us I can explain it to them, teach them a thing or two Don't you dare Are you worried I'll explain Garnier's methods? Doctoring assessments, creating a false culprit..? This isn't a Western, Roban They're upstairs Vanderberg gets to La Défense to sign the contract at 3:00 The Tower has pedestrian access He has to cross a 20m walkway to reach the doors That's where we grab him before he enters the Tower Let's hope he doesn't struggle -What if he does? Then too bad tor him What are you doing here? Were you waiting? -I've just arrived Ask Sophie if you don't believe me Special Branch know all about the Greek They want information So give me something good because I can't say he's selling olive oil OK, Yannis Joséphine Karlsson, a lawyer friend She says the police know you're here They think Yannis killed a police officer in Greece I know, he was let out after a procedural error Procedural error? In custody, they smashed his leg with a metal bar to make him talk The bastards filmed themselves doing it I suppose he was released because the video was leaked online? Tell them I'm here to write a book with Thomas Now get out You have to take the case, Your Honour I'm in their bad books I'm not sure they'd let me oversee a case like that I presume it's not just the guns you want? No, we want the whole network At least, I do. My boss just wants results Any results will do, as long as it's now Does your boss know how you work? Not really, no I want you to take the case because we're in trouble He won't like it Even if I am given the case if he wants you off it, I'll have trouble defending you You could always make me look good And gloss over your habit of acting before you think? Never mind As soon as you take the case, I'm sure it'll work out Laure Leave it to me Show some humility for once Keep a low profile Pierre I meant to call you about that number plate Are you in trouble? -No, why? The car belongs to Special Branch Special Branch? Were they at your office? Should I find out? No, don't worry. It was for a friend For your partner? Pierre, what are you doing with her? She'll get you into trouble. You'll... I'm in love with her It might sound stupid, but I am I'm sorry I take that back. Forgive me I'm not judging you You're a terrible liar Thanks Hello, madam Thank you I like these new chairs Don't you, Sylvie? Please, Mr Jorkal Mrs Bardes you state that your husband had a meeting on 17th March with Mr Jorkal in a car park outside Paris How do you know this? My husband called Jorkal to say he was running late The communication lasted for two minutes on 17th March at 11:35am Then Tony went for his meeting and disappeared At 1:20pm, Mr Bardes' mobile phone stopped transmitting Since that date, the victim's phone has not been switched on Your Honour, why would my client want to harm Mr Bardes? They were partners in a night club When Jorkal sold up a lot of the money went off the books without my husband knowing They split the official amount but my husband soon realised he'd been tricked So he demanded his share His real share Jorkal arranged a meeting and killed him Your Honour, the phone bills only prove one thing which is that Bardes kept calling me He was harassing me I didn't care about him I think he's gone into hiding to make me seem guilty My client raises an interesting point Is there evidence of Bardes' death, besides his wife's allegations? No, but Mr Jorkal has been linked to missing persons before I have a few things to say about my ex-partner, too What are you insinuating, Mr Jorkal? I have a file of Bardes activities that the law might like to see Tell Tony to stop playing dead because I could put him in jail for 20 years Sir, your client is threatening a witness My lawyer has the file. I'm no informer But if she doesn't retract her lies, Mr Clément will send it to you That's not true. My husband is dead You never mentioned that file Look in the documents my wife gave you It's all on a DVD labelled "Bardes" Are you looking through my stuff? I was checking this blank DVD. I thought it was my computer Are you OK? How was your day? Exhausting. I didn't stop once You? Fine. I learned a lot Really? Like what? Just stuff Things you already know, but I'm new. I'm still learning What am I to you? What am I? Your lover, your colleague, your friend..? What? Don't ruin this, Joséphine I spoke with the President He assured me that you'll be in charge of the gun running case Thank you But with Raulic, we should keep our cards close The Chancellor has been called to the Assembly to explain It's causing a stir -I expected that You know, by bringing Garnier's shortcomings to light you've managed to turn the entire system against you I can't keep quiet, Prosecutor I wish I could, but I never take exceptions I just can't Superintendent Prosecutor -Superintendent It seems I'm dealing with the Erkan Yilmaz case That's news to me, Your Honour Shall we? -I'm all yours Goodbye, Your Honour, Superintendent... I've looked the case over, and I was very impressed with how quickly you discovered the guns Astonishing -Thank you And you'll bring them in soon? -That's my plan If only we could trace it back to the source but it's too risky If they suspect they're being watched, you'll lose everything My thoughts exactly, Your Honour Will Inspector Berthaud be in charge? I don't know To be honest, I don't appreciate Berthaud's attitude It's true, she's unbearable On the other hand, she has the nose of a bloodhound and absolute authority I've seen her on other cases She's absolutely astonishing It's just a pity she's so unpleasant Yes, it's a shame Right Berthaud You'll be bringing in the Kurds Thanks, sir A car might be useful Thank you So, tomorrow, we strike in three places... Umit Çetin's home, the building site and the Soliman We'll have an Armed Response team for backup Serge, ask the tax office to send someone to witness the illegal work If we want the workers to squeal on Çetin, we have to be nice to them I need you all in good shape Are you coming to Tintin's? -Yeah Your bloke lets you go out? I'll call him and say it's a work night Need a lift? -Yeah I won't be long -See you down there Gilou? -What? I'm coming Meet us there. I'm going with Vincent All right If you'd told me about those guns I wouldn't have looked like a dick at the meeting You don't like that -What? Looking like a dick -No... Forget Lenoir and Herville. They're just puppets But I don't want any politics between us Do you understand? You're still wearing your tie? I'm a new guest, so I'm wearing a tie Tintin's not the minister, you know? You really didn't have to And maybe we can skip the hospital visit next time Don't, sweetheart These are nice So you can run faster and dodge the ballets Are these the shorts to match? Just open it Everyone's signed it Laure's mate Herville is on there, too He knows who I am? "It's just a scratch" Don't take it too seriously It was Amina's idea... Stop it Champagne? If it's any comfort, statistically he's safe now Aren't you ever scared? For her? Yes, all the time Amina, give me a hand with the barbecue DON'T FORGET US... SARAHOUI Sorry, I came to get something from the cellar I'll move it all out next weekend All right, girls. Champagne's here -Gilou? -Yeah, I'm coming Here Beretta 92, unregistered Numbers filed off. Nice Can I have my gun back? Have you heard from that prick Nabil? No Where are the bullets? Chief No need Let's go Put your hands up. Hands up! Where's your husband? Your husband. Where is he? Stop talking Turkish. Where is he? Do you think I'm stupid? I saw you reading a French paper Forget it. Put your hands up Show me your hands! Come out! Come out Slowly does it Face the wall. Hands up Hold still. Give me your hand For fuck's sake... Where are they? We're with Çetin. Have you got them? The whole site's empty. They're not here We should have staked it out. Fucking Herville... Get to the Soliman Shit You're in custody for unreported employment, aiding illegal aliens, conspiracy and firearms possession, on the authority of Judge Roban You can't come into my home like this I'm an honest worker Really? Then why were you hiding in the shower? Because I'm foreign, and the police don't like foreigners Yeah, right Do you recognise him? Never seen him before That's strange because he was always at the Soliman So? The Soliman's a café. I don't know every customer Excuse me Çetin only declares one employee but his credit balance is 150,000 euros and he's transferring large amounts You see that lady? She's from the tax office, and she's checking if you pay your labour rates So you have one employee, but you're transferring lots of money Do you think that's normal? I work. Business is good That's not a crime Not a crime? Mr Clément? We're going up to your office. Calmly I was going inside my office when I heard two shots I turned around and saw the bike disappear around the corner Do you remember any details? A face, the type of bike..? It happened so quickly. They were both wearing helmets I think the bike was black Did you know the victim? No, I'd never seen him before Fabrice! Can you wait one minute? It was Bardes I saw his photo in the judge's office Did you tell the police? No. If I'm a witness, I lose the case But I thought Jorkal killed Bardes Jorkal knew he was alive He made Bardes' wife believe he had a file on him in my office... The blank DVD Bardes believed him, came to get it and got shot They could have shot you, too I suppose Jorkal likes me Pierre, this man is dangerous. Believe me, I've had similar clients Pass him on to a colleague before you get in over your head Remember what we said when we started out? No dangerous clients, no problems with the police no pointless bother You can talk Stop! JP! Tell us where the guns are, or we'll keep looking What guns? There are no guns here! I found some keys in his coat What are these keys for? They're for here, for the site in Clichy and my basement Or a parking garage? So, which one's yours? Which one? -I've never been here Do you think we're stupid? We saw you here It doesn't matter. We have all day Bingo This is it. The chests were here under the calendar So where are the guns? What guns? -Give it a rest I've seen the guns Erkan took photos There were two chests full of guns Have you hidden them? -It seems likely Yeah? -Laure, we've found one of the chests Thanks, Serge Bad news. They've found them Your Honour, I was on my way to see you I already know Bardes was shot outside your office. Who would have thought it? Jorkal will be happy I was going to formally request his release I've already filled out the standard release request I'll submit it once the Prosecutor returns the case file Your client will be out by midday Thank you, Your Honour -Please, it's the law But it's not over yet Jorkal committed instigated murder and I'll prove it My client has nothing to hide My dear Pierre, what have you got yourself into? If you leave him, he'll drag your reputation through the mud and if you don't, your life's in danger Good luck So, note this down - two AK-47s an Uzi, a mini-Uzi, two more AK-47s four, five, six handguns and two magazines Whose are these? Whose are they? -They're not mine The problem is, this is only half of it We've searched the Soliman and his flat and found nothing I know OK, call Herville since he loves you so much I'll deal with Roban Amina, call Forensics and get going I'll make you a deal Help me find the other chest and the judge will go easy on you There were two in the photo, weren't there? And you moved the second one in a hire car yesterday rented in the name of of "Yasmine Azin", am I right? I've never seen these guns before Someone else hid them here It's your garden, you knobhead Your wife saw us search it. If you won't talk, you'll go down Take him away before I kill him You gave Herville his first orgasm of the day I didn't know he was capable Yeah? What? I'm on my way Is something wrong? -No, no See you at the office Get in That's kind of you Mr Clément. But I'm waiting for my wife She's not coming I told her I'd fetch you I warn you, if you're my driver... -I'm not your driver Then I don't know what you are. I don't need a lawyer You think this is the end of it? You're only free because I kept quiet The judge wants to pin Bardes' murder on you And if I suddenly remember what happened, you're in trouble If you're worried about the money you should know I always settle my debts I'm not worried I'll take care of your business from now on 5,000 a month on top of my fees for the new Bardes case Very well Though I must confess that I'm surprised I'm just getting started Given the confusion surrounding my decision to release Yvan Raulic I feel I should explain an essential point I have not released a sexual offender He's an innocent man But there was evidence against him -I'm afraid not But Judge Garnier... Judge Garnier skewed the inquiry and sent an innocent man to prison Yvan Raulic has an established alibi one victim denied it was him and the psychiatric expert admits that Garnier put pressure on him to change his assessment What about the repercussions for you? That's all for today. Thank you Did you come to watch my career's unstoppable decline? Roban, the young woman who was raped... Marie Borel? Yes, I'll call her Marie Borel has killed herself Escoffier -Inspector Morel. I called you We found your calling card on the victim's body Do I need slippers? -No, we've taken the prints Do you know him? Yeah. He's one of my informers How was he killed? Carl, can I? He was killed with this gun a Beretta 92FF The number's scratched off Excuse me WE NEED TO TALK... SARAHOUI Extracted from BBC Edited Synced by celestialex Hey. You think this could be him? I wasn't expecting Scrooge McDuck. Well, we're about to find out. Echo-1? That's us. You... the guy? Not me. I guess we all got the invite. Anyone else waiting for the punch line? Rich guy, college brat, geriatric and construction worker walk into a diner. Some coffee for you, sir? Voss, Badoit or Pellegrino. Pelle... Pelle-what? Uh, no hablo español. Sparkling water. With the bubbles. Okay. I'm curious. I suspect the man who invited us here must be quite important. Well, assuming it's a man. We've never met him. Or her. Got no updates on the Twitter account. Hey, snap a pic while we wait. I don't want my face on some blog. Why? Do you have something to hide? I like my privacy. Come on. Everybody say "bubbles." Bubbles. Moneybags looks good on camera. Preserved for posterity. Wh-What is this? Where did everyone go? Isn't that odd? Hello? Hello? The hell is going on? And why did we all get invited here? ♪ NCIS: LA 4x03 ♪ The Fifth Man Original air date on October 9, 2012 == sync, corrected by elderman == ♪ Not bad, Kensi. Not bad. Better than your partner. Speaking of which... Deeks is running late. He ate some bad sushi last night, so it made him sick. Bad sushi? Mm-hmm. What? You know we invented the "bad sushi" move, right? Which means we don't fall for the "bad sushi" move ever. Okay. He went to Vegas. He drove back last night. And he didn't invite you? No, because I had plans. Plans? Plans? If you lie, we'll know. John Hughes marathon with my mom. Wow. That you should have lied about. He must've taken that model. She's a fitness model, not a fashion model, which means she doesn't even model actual clothes. So what does she model? Energy drinks and fake tattoos. You actually think he took her? I'm, uh... I'm really sorry that I'm late. I just... I had some bad sushi last night. I mean, it was so hard to get out of bed this morning. And why are you doing this? Because they know. They know? Okay. The only way they could know is if a certain person who watched Pretty in Pink for the 98th time last night ratted her partner out. We agreed on the "bad sushi" move, partner. Well, it turns out they invented the "bad sushi" move. That's right. Really? And, uh... Wow, what is... what is this? Sayoc. Stick grappling. Yeah. Close-quarter combat. Oh, I see. So, what's the plan here? You gonna go a little Bruce Lee on me, 'cause you do remember that I carry a... a weapon, right? The most common weapons are blunt objects. Oh. Sticks, pipes, bats. Things like that. Oh, I see, I see. Hey, Hetty! Aah! Ha, ha! Uh, uncle! El tío! El tío! Uncleway! Uncleway! Huh? What'd you say? What'd you say? El tí... You dropping the pig latin on me? Fun's over. Yeah, 'cause you know what? Nothing says fun like getting choked out with a stick. Four bodies pulled from the remains of the Winer n' Diner in Pasadena. That place was closed last year. Well, someone reopened it without telling the landlord. Safe to say there won't be any Yelp reviews written in the near future. We pulled the photo of the dead men from the user's cloud account. It was taken before the diner was leveled by RZX plastic explosive. Rigged by pros. Controlled detonation. All right, so who are these guys and who'd they piss off? Well, it was an eclectic group. We have a millionaire, a college kid, a grandfather and a man licensed to drive a bulldozer. - We're still searching for common enemies. - All right. Let's start with connections. Well, all four victims followed a Twitter account linked to the Office of Naval Intelligence. And that's what got them killed. Computer logs show that each victim received an invitation to the diner from this particular account. So either the Navy staged a Twitter ambush or their account was hacked. Okay, is anybody else wondering why the Office of Naval Intelligence is on Twitter in the first place? Operation: Wide Awake. It's an experimental project that uses social media to reach its participants. It's designed as a... strategy game. Naval Intelligence was recruiting high-IQ individuals to test the integrity of the project. - Why? - That's the part we don't know. Operation: Wide Awake is currently classified. So all the victims were players? Not merely players, Mr. Callen. They were the elite of the project. Naval Intelligence referred to them as Group Echo-1. The man behind the project has been authorized to brief you both. We'll let you know what we find. Thank you, gentlemen. I only just found out about the attack. I don't understand who'd want to do this. The group wasn't even supposed to know each other. You don't have any idea who could access your Twitter account to stage the ambush? Your guess is as good as mine. Despite all the protocols in place, we got hacked. Tried to trace it, but hit a dead end. What is Operation: Wide Awake exactly? On the surface, Wide Awake looks like an online strategy game, but in fact, it's potentially the most advanced technology we have for predicting terrorist threats. Think of all the different ways someone could attack this country. Using Wide Awake could tell us which one it's most likely to be. The Pentagon already does that with threat matrix software. Computers predict logical outcomes, Agent Callen, but we humans are not always logical. Wide Awake allows us to account for both. How? Crowd sourcing. The way thousands of people play this game enables us to predict the most likely course a small group or even a lone individual might choose in predicting a threat. So, what can you tell us about the players that died this morning? Group Echo-1 was my elite sample group. Best of the best. The brightest individuals in the crowd tell us the most, but they're also the most difficult to find. And without them? I'll have to start from scratch. It'll... set Wide Awake back years. People that gifted don't just turn up every day, but... But what? There weren't... four members of the group. There were five. So one of them's still out there. It seems so. Here's the details he filled out for Wide Awake. Mike Hoffman. Residential San Pedro. Kensi and Deeks are closer. Hoffman didn't show up at the diner. Does that make him a target or a suspect, Agent Hanna? So, uh, tell me. Did the, uh, ride over here strike you as somewhat tense with long, uncomfortable silences? Kind of like this? This about Vegas? I had other things to do, okay? Non-Deeks things. Plus, I'm totally over Vegas. You've never been to Vegas. Exactly. Because I'm over it. Okay, technically, you can't be over a place you've never been to. Doesn't matter. Here's the deal. We're going together. You and me. No. Yeah. Look at me. It's happening. No, it isn't. Vegas. Vegas. All right, I get it. You're afraid you wouldn't be able to keep up with me in Vegas. Oh, I could keep up with you. Not even close. I'd bury you. Okay, so prove it. Me, you, Vegas. Okay. You're on. Bring it, Beach Boy. You know what they say. What, uh, happens in Vegas... Will leave you curled up in a little fetal position begging for mercy. Promise? So, Hoffman lives on the third floor. Outstanding arrest warrants-- check fraud, possession of counterfeit currency, misdemeanor assault. But, supposedly, he's got an IQ higher than both of us? Yeah. Ooh. Watch it! Probably a sale on skinny jeans someplace. What? 'Cause she's a hipster. She was emo. Mmm. I will bet you Eric's horn-rimmed glasses that that girl was a hipster. Is there even a difference? Yeah. Of course there's a difference-- they got the... the hair with the colors and the tight... I have no idea. Is there a difference? You sound seriously uncool right now. Whatever. Either way, she was a cutie. Oh, my gosh, she looked like she was 15. No, I didn't mean that kind of cute. Wait a minute, how do you know that she wasn't 18, huh? Maybe... maybe she was just petite. Maybe your brain is petite. Touché. Kens? Hey. The girl. I got the apartment. Yep. Federal agent! Stop! Manic Pixie Dream Girl? Slipped away. For now. You check that laptop? I'm going to have it bagged for Eric, let him do the honors. So, we got no wallet, no I.D. and obviously a hell of a struggle. That's fatal head trauma. Bad fall would do it. Right there. Slammed his head on the edge of the coffee table. Or she could've slammed it for him. He's twice her size. If anything, she was in survival mode. Running from the scene and leaving a trail of blood makes her look pretty guilty. We don't know anything about her. Exactly. You've been busy. Yeah. This Hoffman? No, sir. This is Hoffman. We're still waiting on the I.D. for the body. Hoffman didn't get hit at the diner like the rest of them. Maybe this guy was sent to finish the job. Holster, no gun. Manic Pixie Dream Girl must've taken it. She had a small backpack. "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"? I think her name is Astrid. And she clearly knew Hoffman. Yeah, Eric? All right, still waiting for an I.D. on your body. Hoffman's cell phone's been switched off. No signal, no trail. Does Hoffman have any family? Negative. Everything we've got indicates he's a loner. Speaking of social connections, I just got the results from a deeper round of profiling on the diner victims. This morning was the first time any of them met. Dr. Mathers' story checks out. The group didn't know each other. So, besides Operation: Wide Awake, the doctor was their only link. Which means he could be a target, too. Send us any updates on Hoffman and the girl. Done. Where did you go? I'm sorry, I don't recognize any of them. All of Wide Awake's communication was conducted online. They were just names on a screen. Which is why none of them met in person till this morning. Who else knew about Wide Awake? The only people who ever saw the whole program were those skilled enough to play through every one of its levels: Group Echo-1. And now the only ones with that knowledge are you and Hoffman. Yeah. There's someone else. I've been getting... help from a friend on the outside. A Pentagon analyst named George Toretto. I wanted to see how it was doing against the best threat matrix in the world. So you asked him to compare your results against the Pentagon's classified threat intelligence. You broke security protocols to beta-test your program. And in doing so, not only compromised your entire project but four innocent people were killed. I never thought anyone would get hurt, Agent Callen. My research is designed to save lives. Do you realize what's at stake? If Wide Awake goes operational, it will make our country a safer place. What did Toretto tell you? Well, that's... the problem. He never gave me the results. We're going to increase security at this lab. If you contact Toretto, the two of you will end up sharing a cell. Am I in danger, Agent Hanna? Not if you stay put. I'll get Eric to pull everything he can on this guy, Toretto. Stop. Stop. You can't go in there with your bag. We got to check it. Hey! Hey! Stop that girl! Stop that girl! She came here for a reason. Looks like Wide Awake isn't as big a secret as Dr. Mathers thinks. So, security team at the Naval Intelligence Lab says Astrid tried to slip through a metal detector and triggered the alarm. Maybe the gun she stole off the dead guy was in her backpack. Or maybe she's a girl who was never briefed on security protocol-- she saw the alarms, men trying to detain her, and she ran. Maybe. What else do we know about her? Neighbors said they started seeing Hoffman and Astrid together a few months ago, but they kept to themselves. She had her own room in Hoffman's apartment, but we found no personal items, just some clothes. Sounds like a girl on the run. Okay, so why do you run to a military facility? Looking for someone-- a friend, maybe? Hey. Hoffman's laptop. Searched the e-mail archives, but the entire account's been wiped by a pro. Anything else on the computer? The most recent version of the Wide Awake gaming application. Now we're talking. Nell uploaded the file on Dr. Mathers' Pentagon buddy, George Toretto. Red flag in his bank accounts. $100,000 deposited five days ago. All cash, no paper trail. Wide Awake's technology predicts attacks on America before they happen. There's plenty of well-funded groups that would like to see it fail. Not to mention rogue governments. Maybe someone's paying Toretto to sabotage the program. This is the building. You got to be kidding me. That's our guy. That's Toretto. Something must have tipped them off. He's a popular guy. ♪ ♪ Going to crash. Please don't. Not us. Him. Driver's dead. Toretto? Gone. We I.D.'d the body found at Hoffman's apartment. Max Naylor. He did time at Folsom Prison with the driver who was killed in the car crash. Uh, he also has experience in demolitions, which explains the diner. Both were guns for hire. Well, if someone hired them to sabotage Wide Awake, Hoffman would be the next logical target. Unless he was the one behind this. Hoffman and Dr. Mathers are the only ones left who understand how this technology works. Well, then Mathers might want to step up the security at his lab. It's already done. Nell, confirm his location. On it. What about Toretto? The $100K in his account had to come from somewhere. Well, Toretto's got the financial connections; Hoffman's got the insider knowledge. Maybe they were partners. Hoffman got greedy, took out a hit. Doesn't explain the dead guy in Hoffman's apartment. Maybe Toretto tried to get to Hoffman first. Or the guy was there to kill Astrid. She showed up at the Naval Intelligence Lab, which means she knows something about Wide Awake. Hoffman's cell phone was just switched on. I got the signal. Hoffman's at a bus stop on Pico Boulevard in West L.A. The signal means we can get remote access. Does the phone have a front-facing camera? Roger that. Call it. Grab an image of the person that answers. - Got it. - That's not Hoffman. Hello? She disconnected the call. Call her back. Wait a minute, what's the plan here? I mean, what are you going to say to her? "If you're not killing everybody involved "in a top secret governmental program, "maybe you can come over and watch Pretty in Pink, we can eat some Oreos"? This might be the only chance we get, and I think I can get her to talk to me. Why? Because she's scared. You've found the girl. Yes. Astrid is on the run and she knows about Operation Wide Awake. We have a chance to talk to her. But Mr. Deeks believes your emotions are clouding your judgment. Well, that's a little harsh, but... yeah. Call the girl, Mr. Beale. Maybe she'll see in you what you see in her, Miss Blye. All right, I got Astrid on a traffic cam at that intersection. Hello? Hi, Astrid. My name is Kensi. I was at your apartment building today. I'm so sorry if I scared you. You didn't scare me. Well, I know you've had a hard time today. I thought you might like to talk. I don't. Well, then maybe you need a friend? You don't really know me. No, I don't, but I'd very much like to. Why don't you start by telling me something about yourself. You're tracing this call. Okay... let's start with me, then. Um... I'm single... and totally over Vegas. I love Pretty in Pink and Oreos. No one's trying to hurt me; they're trying to hurt Mike. And where is Mike right now? He's enjoying the art of civilized bushwhacking. I have to go now. No, no... Astrid... Phone's been turned off. No signal to track. By the time we get there, she'll be long gone. Anyone understand what she was talking about? The "art of civilized bushwhacking" is an old term for the game of poker. Don't ask me how I know that. Eric, pull up Hoffman's finances. He's made seven withdrawals from the Hollywood Park Casino ATM in the past month. Sounds like a guy with a gambling probleto me. Sounds like a motive. Eric, bring up the security cameras at the Hollywood Park Casino. Maybe he's still there. Done. Thank you. Mr. Deeks. Hey, um... you knew that putting Kensi on the phone with Astrid was the right call. And you want to know how I knew that. If you don't think that I need to know, then... No, no, no. After her father died, she, uh, ran away. She lived on the streets for almost a year. I didn't know that. And I, Mr. Deeks, didn't tell you. 'Course not. Miss Jones. With me. Okay. But that's your seat. Indeed. Okay, this is a test, right? You're looking to see my response? This is a chair, Miss Jones. Sit in it. Fair enough. Wow. Yeah, it's, uh... it's really... oh, it's comfortable. I've been told that you have a very high IQ. Higher, in fact, than any other person currently employed by NCIS. Well, it's just a number with a range of variables prone to cultural bias, so... Prove it. You want me to play Operation: Wide Awake? Those four men at the diner were killed because of something they discovered with this program. I need you to find out what that was. All right. ...Texas hold 'em tournament this Friday. Players may register at the members' service desk or online. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Now, that's what I call two well-mannered young man. Someone certainly taught them well. What a handsome couple they are. Where'd that brunette get those legs? Just remember, boys, you got to know when to hold 'em. You've been singing that stupid song the entire ride over here. Mmm, okay, it's not a stupid song. That's "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers, aka the Silver Fox. Ah, Charlie Rich was the Silver Fox. I'm pretty sure it was Kenny Rogers. It's Charlie Rich. Any luck, Eric? Jackpot. I got him at poker table number four. Striped short-sleeved shirt. Kensi, Deeks... why don't you do your thing. First date? Last date. Is this because I didn't take you to Vegas? Because we are in the casino now. Mmm... that's why I need to upgrade. Kensi? Kensi? My friend hates it when I gamble. Life's a gamble. No. Fern? Fern. What-what are you doing here? Are you trying to make me jealous? See, he went to Vegas, and he thinks that this is gonna make up for it. I'd never go anywhere without you. He's clearly playing way out of his league. Okay, you know what I love? I love it when people talk about me like I'm not standing right behind them. And the fish hooks take it. So... are you just lucky, or are you really, really good? I'm really, really good. But, uh... I'm looking to get lucky. Okay. You know what? I love... I love a little butter with my cheese. I'm going to grab a soda. Buy you a drink? Yeah. Shaggy won't stop bugging me if I stick around. Then maybe... we should leave. Maybe we should. Thank you, sir. Genius-level IQ, huh? Oh, crap. Luck's run out, Hoffman. I knew it was too good to be true. Figured my chances were 50-50. Just to be clear, I am, uh, totally in your league. In your dreams. All the time, darling. All the time. What do you got, Eric? Mathers is gone. Gave his protective detail the slip. So, it was all an act? Even that whole "are you lucky or just good" bit? Act. Ah. Well, I'm impressed. The four other people in Echo-1 are dead. Operation: Wide Awake. Yeah. Never heard of it. Hey, that's my laptop. Wow, nothing gets by this one. Mmm. Wide Awake application's installed on the hard drive. Why don't you play it for us? Let's see what you got. Well, if it doesn't involve... dice or cards, I'll probably need an instruction manual. - Preferably one with pictures. - Okay, there is no way this is our fifth man. This looks like one of the games Astrid likes to play. Okay. Who exactly is Astrid? I, uh... I don't know. I think she's my daughter. You think? She's different. She, uh, barely speaks. She's really good at math. She spends hours on this computer. I took her to the casino a few weeks back and taught her how to gamble. Astrid never loses. I mean, like... ever. The art of civilized bushwhacking. Yeah, that's what we call poker. Hey, you... you talked to her? Where is she? We were hoping you could help us find that out. Well, I was on an 18-hour streak at the casino when you found me. Hey, I gave her my cell phone in case of an emergency. No, trust me, that girl knows how to take care of herself. She's okay, right? Mathers still hasn't gone back to his office. If Astrid was using Hoffman's laptop and e-mail, all of her Wide Awake activity would've looked like it was coming from him. Dr. Mathers would have had no way of knowing it was her. Maybe this girl has some form of autism. Asperger's syndrome. That would explain a lot. Well, we'd need a formal diagnosis to be sure, but Astrid seems to fit the profile. Social awkwardness, limited empathy, a savant's gift for numbers. Yeah, but clearly high-functioning enough to defend herself and evade us. Whoever wanted the rest of the team members dead still thinks that Hoffman's the target, not Astrid-- so as long as no one finds out, Astrid is safe. And only two people had access to Hoffman's data: Dr. Mathers and Toretto. Eric, send us Dr. Mathers' home address. You two keep talking to Hoffman. If anyone can help us find Astrid, it's him. Okay. Anyone add up all those outstanding warrants I've got? I did. I figure I'm looking at five years in prison. That's if I'm lucky. Well, I think we've pretty much established the only kind of luck that you have is bad. Bad luck doesn't make you a bad guy. Just a bad father. Look, it all happened so fast. I-I never had the chance to get the hang of it. And it's too late to start now. Promise me that you'll make sure Astrid is okay when I get locked up. We're not cutting any deals. I hope you don't feel I'm putting pressure on you, Miss Jones. Nope. Nope, I'm fine. Let me know when you're finished. Mm-hmm. I'm... still... still working, so... Yeah, no, this is not going to happen. I'm... sorry. I... I thought I was doing something wrong, but this is not me. This is program. When you reach the final level, the engine used to predict the threats completely falls apart, which means... Operation: Wide Awake doesn't work. Could it be that Dr. Mathers didn't know about this? Highly unlikely. Wow. Astrid-- how do we find her? I don't know. How could you not know? She's your daughter? She just showed up on my doorstep a few months back. She told me her mom died and left her my address. I recognized her mom's name, but... We were just kids when her mom got pregnant. I promised her we'd work something out, but... instead, I did a runner. Not my finest moment. So when Astrid told me who her mother was, I... I couldn't turn her away. Because you felt guilty? Look, I don't even know for sure that she's my daughter. And I told Astrid that. But she just... looked at me... with those big eyes. I mean, she just wore me down, you know? What can I say? So, um... I gave her a room and I let her stay. Did you ever take back what you said? About not being her father? Listen... this isn't about me trying to cut a deal here. I know I have nothing to offer you. My life has been one big gamble with no payoff. Maybe Astrid's the payoff. I blew that, too. I know I might not be... the best person for Astrid... but she still needs someone looking after her. I'm fine. I know. I'm just getting some water. Looks like Mathers is home. Or not. Someone broke in. Take the front. I'll cut him off from behind. Federal agent! Don't move, Toretto! You need to hear it twice? You won't shoot me. I'm the only one that can give you answers. No one's getting shot. See? Just relax. Now, put it down. You try and get past him, you're going to wish I shot you. When I tell Deeks about this, you better vouch for me. You went Bruce Lee on his ass. I'll vouch for you. Mathers is the one you want. What are you doing here? Look, he's trying to kill me. I came here to try and talk some sense into him. It's complicated. Oh, yeah? Wide Awake doesn't work. Neither one of you knew till Mathers gave you his results to compare to the Pentagon's intel. He paid you $100,000 to keep quiet. Mathers wanted the results to look successful. And you taking that hush money means you'd get charged with treason if people found out, which is why you didn't go public when bodies started turning up today. I wasn't the only one who knew Wide Awake was a failure. There was some guy in Mathers' test group who actually e-mailed him, tried to call him out on it. Hoffman. Yeah. Mathers never heard from him again. He got worried others in the group would figure it out. So he lured them to the diner this morning. I didn't think he was going to kill them. I thought he was going to try to buy them off. And then that guy came after me. Where's Mathers now? I don't know. So, Callen and Sam have Toretto. Looks like Mathers offed his own test group. Good thing we just found him, then. My lovely assistant will take it from here. Assistant? Uh, colleague. They can be lovely, too. Mathers' cell's online. He just received a call from Hoffman's phone. Their call lasted 30 seconds; Hoffman's phone went dark immediately afterwards, but Mathers is still online. He's headed for the casino. That's Hoffman's stomping ground. Okay, it stands to reason Astrid would go there looking for her father, but why reach out to Mathers? Well, if she called him, then Mathers probably realized he's been hunting for the wrong person. If that's true, once he finds Astrid, he's going to kill her. Astrid's too smart to let Mathers find her like this. She couldn't get him at his lab, so she led him here. If Astrid still has the gun, I think she might use it. To protect herself? To protect her dad. We got eyes on Mathers. He's on the west side of the floor. Looks like he's headed towards the kitchen. Moving in. Mathers! He's got a weapon! Mathers, drop your weapon. Drop it. You got this? Yeah, I got this. Astrid? I told you, I don't have friends. Told you I wanted to be the first. Prove it. That's kind of hard right now, don't you think? Then you're not really my friend. Okay. Astrid, tell me what you want me to do. You tell me. Leave me alone so I can shoot him. I know you're trying to protect your dad, but... I can't do that. I'm sorry. This is not something that you want to hear right now... but I will do everything in my power to stop you. Do you hear me? This is what friendship looks like, isn't it? Yeah. It is. Please hand me the gun. Please hand me the gun. You really like Pretty in Pink and Oreos, or were you just saying that? I do like them. It's weird. Okay. Hey, what do you say we get out of here? What's up, man? Hey. Anybody seen, uh, Hetty? Nope. Haven't seen her. Writing off your losses in Vegas as business expenses? What? No. What do you take me for? A guy who sneaks off to Vegas for Phantom of the Opera and has a secret love for musical theater. We always know where our teammates are, Deeks. Always. Phantom of the what? Opera. I wouldn't know, see, 'cause I'm not into musical theater. Nothing wrong with a good musical, Deeks. Fair enough. You got me. Just do me a favor... Oh, we won't tell Kensi. How's Astrid? The doctor diagnosed her with Asperger's syndrome. Says she can look after herself with a little bit of help. Well, Hoffman's facing jail time, so the girl's on her own for now. And she's a smart girl. I'm sure she'll figure it out. Oh, and just for the record, I also went and saw Andrew Dice Clay - just to even it out. - Yeah, right. Okay, two, please. So, tell me about your mom. She's dead. I know. What was she like, though? Okay. Let's start with me. You can ask me anything you like. Are you in love with your partner? How old are you? 18 years, three months, 12 days, six hours and 32 seconds. 33. 34... Your dad was happy to see you. Mike was happy, but he was sad, too. He tried to hide it from me, but I could tell. Why do you call him Mike if he's your dad? That's his name. Are you sure he's your dad? Yes. My mom told me that. But how do you know it's true? Are you sure that the man that you call Dad is your real dad, Kensi? Yeah. How do you know that it's true? Point taken. Win the next hand... and I will answer any question that you ask me. I'm not going to win the next hand. Or any hand after that, for that matter. I do really want to know more about you, though, Astrid. I guess you'll have to keep me around, then. My name's Hetty Lange. == sync, corrected by elderman == You feeling lucky? But I can't be sick. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. And if you were a butterball turkey, you would be done right now. You know what? If I sit in the kitchen while you're cooking, I can just sweat it out. You're a trooper, but I don't think you should push yourself. We'll have a wonderful Thanksgiving next year. I got to wait a whole year for turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie? See how sick you are? You didn't even mention mashed potatoes or the cranberry sauce. Damn this fever. You rest. I'm gonna go break the news to mom and Victoria. Tell 'em I'm sorry. They'll be disappointed, but they'll understand. And gravy. How could I forget the gravy? This might be malaria. Well, if it is malaria, you should stop talking. Well, how is he? He's sick as a dog. So we don't have to cook? We don't have to do nothing. He can't even get down a piece of toast. It's a miracle. It's a holiday miracle. Mike: What's going on out there? ♪ for the first time in my life ♪ ♪ I see love. ♪ no, Molly, I understand. Why chum the water when the shark is sick? Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell Samuel. Yeah, and if you can't get him to take his aspirin, hide it in a cheese cube. Yeah, that's how I get him to take his beano. Okay. Bye. Mike is sick on Thanksgiving. I can't even imagine how this is going to affect the economy. Well, you don't need to check the papers to know that pumpkin pie futures are gonna be way down. Now, is he really sick, or is this like the day after the all-you-can-eat hot wing incident? Uh-uh. No, when he can't get out of bed for a Thanksgiving meal, he's down for the count. Even after the three dozen hot wings, he still came to work. The smell of tabasco oozing from his pores. And the mournful cries from the bathroom of, "it burns! Oh, God, it burns"" well, I'm surprised he's not sick all the time. Man never washes his hands yeah, our cook is exactly the same way. And he's a picker. Picks what? You name it. If he can reach it, he picks it. Anyway, what are we doing for Thanksgiving now? Well, we're certainly not gonna eat here. Hey, there's a singles potluck at my church. Good home-cooked meal, plenty of available women. You're not suggesting we hit on women in a house of worship, are you? Some of the nastiest women I've ever met has been at church. The first bare boob I ever saw was a Deacon's daughter. Really? Oh, she was a freak, too. Said I could touch it for five dollars. Three of which was supposed to go to unicef. I am intrigued. And yet I worry that without the benefits of alcohol and loud techno music, a spotlight will be shown on the fact that I'm a horny, penniless waiter. No, no, no. No, no. No, what you are is a mysterious, exotic immigrant looking to make good in the land of opportunity. And all I need is the love of a good Christian woman who truly understands that the meek shall inherit the earth. And the last shall be first. They don't call it the sermon on the mount for nothing. So are we talking full dashiki and no speakee-dee english? Mm-hmm. Yeah, but luckily, your charitable American benefactor will be there to translate. You much good friend to Samuel, Mr. Carl. One world, one love, my brother. (Laughter) Just take a couple more bites. It's chicken soup. It's good for you. It's chicken and noodles. I like chicken and stars. Sweetie, it's-it's the same thing. No, it's not. Stars are chewy, and noodles are slurpy. Well, why don't you just chew the noodles into little stars? Hey, doll, great news. My brother's in town, and he's coming over for Thanksgiving. Oh, I hope he likes Chinese food. We're not cooking this year. What are you talking about? Well, with the eating machine on the Fritz, it's every man for himself. But I promised Frankie a big, home-cooked meal. Even went out and got his favorite wine. Oh. Red. That's my favorite, too. Molly: "I don't like noodles. I like stars." I'll show you stars right in your noodle. What's all this about turkey day getting canceled? Mike's sick as a dog. I'm not gonna go to all the trouble for nothing. Kind of a big decision to make without calling a family meeting, don't you think? We actually don't have family meetings, which is one of the main reasons you're still here. Joyce, I promised my brother an old-fashioned Thanksgiving with my loving wife and my loving family. Wife? You know what I mean. Wife-to-be. We're practically married. Practically nothing. It's been over a year since you stuck this fake rock on my hand, and I haven't heard a peep about an actual wedding date. Oh, I see. You're trying to use this as blackmail to get me to marry you. Very nice. Blackmail you? Ugh! I'm sorry, I-I was under the impression you wanted to marry me. What I want you to do is stick a fistful of bread up a turkey's ass and toss it in the oven. Well, hand me a loaf of rye bread and bend over. All right, don't sneeze on me, cough on me or fart on my leg. Molly? No, your wife called first dibs on the couch, and since Joyce won't let me in our bed, I have to bunk with patient zero. Are those your feet under my legs? You mind? They're ice cold, and your calves are like a fire pit. Actually, the cold's kind of nice. What's the big deal about a piece of paper? She knows I love her. What more does she want? Will you hand me my water? Absolutely. Wow. Like leaning over a 300-pound microwaved burrito. Thirsty. Yeah, yeah, sit up a little. Don't drink too much, 'cause I'm not gonna give you a piggyback ride to the can. I love bendy straws. Yeah, women have to complicate everything. You ever notice the only time they're happy is when they're making you miserable? Crazy straws are fun, too. Do they still make those? Men don't like all that drama. We're simple folk. You know, sometimes I think gay guys really got it made. Okay, move your feet. I'm just saying, with women, a guy'word isn't enoug remember when I promised you tickets to the bears game? Yeah, I do. And did I make good on that promise? No, you did not. And yet, here we are, snuggled up like two bugs in a rug. My life would be so much easier if I liked to drive stick. I think I'm gonna throw up. Hey, whoa, it's not like you're my type, either. Plus, you could do a lot worse than me. No, I really think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, all right. I'll get you a bucket and some ice chips. I'm just saying, your wife's downstairs, and I'm up here taking care of you. Don't tell me I'm not a catch. I really hope this is a fever dream. (Pots clattering) What the hell? (Clattering) Damn it! Who organized this kitchen? Jose feliciano? Molly: Vince, what are you doing? It's 6:00 in the morning. 6:00? ! I got to get my birds in the oven. Birds? They were all out of turkeys, so I got nine cornish hens and two chicken fryers. How many ladies leaping? Apparently none. I'm cooking this whole thing by myself. Hey, you can't blame mom for being mad at you, Vince. You've dragged this engagement out a long time. Hey, I want to marry her. I just need to wait for the right time. Yeah, and when is that? When I'm not dead-ass broke. What are you talking about... Broke? I thought your airline pillow business was "raking in the do-re-mi." I got knocked out by the giant conglomerates. Turns out big-little pillow totally smothers little-little pillow. So you didn't have any savings or anything? That got pretty well chewed through when my first wife got sick. Between the hospital bills and home care, I was tapped out. Oh. I didn't know that. Bunny hated hospitals. It was better for her to be home so I could be with her. Yeah. Well, have you... Have you told mom this? No. I don't want her to think she's engaged to some deadbeat. Besides, I'm gonna turn it around, and I'll be able to take care of her in the fashion she deserves. So, uh, how much stuffing can you get into one of these cornish game hens? I pack it in those tiny rumps till they say uncle. (Laughs) Don't just mash 'em; You got to whip 'em so they're light and Fluffy. Put your rotator cuff into it. Vince, give me a break. I know how to mash potatoes. If you say so, but I'm looking at some pretty sizeable lumps. Yeah, and I'm talking to one. If you want to do the potatoes, be my guest. I'm in charge of the birds and the pasta. You're in charge of all the side dishes and keeping the liquor flowing. Oh, okay, I can handle that. Hey, I was letting that breathe! Which is what I'm doing to you thanks to this wine. They were all out of black olives, so I got green ones and soy sauce. I figured we can dye them like easter eggs. Her volunteering to help is kind of a mixed blessing, isn't it? (Quietly): That's why I sent her on an errand. She usually gets lost. (Piano playing gentle melody) (Indistinct chatter) Crowd's a little bit older than I expected. Yes, I'm guessing several of these people were actually at the first Thanksgiving. This is probably just the early birds. You know, I'm guessing the younger crowd's gonna filter in a little bit later. Oh, good, just in time to help us load the wheelchairs into the vans. You know, when I heard it was a singles thing, I figured it was because they hadn't found a husband, not because they'd buried one. At least one. It's like walking into the "thriller" video. I'm gonna wa you boys off the stuffing. Miss Minerva's half-blind, and those pecans could be anything from dog treats to kidney medication. Grandma, where's all the young people? Everybody here is in the triple digits. I should've known you weren't here for good Christian fellowship when you showed up with kunta kinte. This is actually traditional senegalese formal wear. Well, then I got a shower curtain you can wear to prom. You boys need to get out of here if you're just trying to knock some precious lamb off of her righteous path. Ain't no lambs here. Just old goats and mules. Listen, instead of just standing around thinking nasty thoughts, why don't you top off some sweet teas or get these folks some pie. Okay, grandma. And when you take 'em pie, u might want to hold a mirror under their noses. Don't just set it on their laps and walk away. I worked hard on those pies. Great. So on my one day off, I have to serve people food. Thank you, Carl. Knock, knock. Did you bring me some 7up? No, I'm looking for a pair of earrings I loaned Molly. Would you mind bringing me some 7up? Sure! Why don't I wait on you hand and foot, let you have sex with me every night, anthen when it comes time to marry me, you back out? If we don't have 7up, ginger ale's fine. Vince and I have been engaged for over a year. Why can't you men commit? And put a bendy straw in it. I love bendy straws. You know, I am not gonna twist anybody's arm to get him to marry me. I am a vibrant, sexy woman. I can have any man I want. You know, I think I could hold down a couple of saltines, if you're headed to the kitchen. I think maybe it's time to light a fire under Mr. moranto's hairy ass. Crackers! 7up! Anything! You ladies did a wonderful job. I really appreciate it. Aw. Now, get out of thosrags and put on something nice. My brother will be here any minute. (Doorbell rings) Well, at least I'll look good. Vinny! Give me a hug, you bald-headed bastard. Francis, welcome to my humble abode. (Chuckles) What are you doing out here in the sticks? There isn't a decent cannoli for at least three Miles. You don't consult a map when you follow your heart, Francis. Allow me to introduce you to my precious family. Hi. I'm Molly. Vince: That's my oldest. She's a teacher, a shaper of young minds. Little opinionated, but the good with the bad. Okay, thank you, Vince. Nice to meet you. Yeah, it's a pleasure. What's the story with this one? I'm Victoria, Vince's baby girl. I'm your uncle Frankie. I upgraded to a lexus at the airport if you want to go out for ice cream after dinner. Okay, you're one of those uncle frankies. Come on, why don't you help me in the kitchen? What happened? You did nothing wrong. Was that the doorbell? You must be Francis. Well, I can see who got the looks in the family. Frankie, this is Joyce. She's my... No, just jce. He's been threatening to marry me for over a year, but I'm not holding my breath. If you did, you'd pop out of that dress. Oh. (Laughs) Clever. Can I get you a drink? I got you a whole case of that New Zealand malbec you like. I've actually matured into the heady, tuscan varietals. I have an adventurous palate. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. Mike: Is the turkey done yet? Oh, yeah. We got one we keep in the attic. Every family does. In our family, it was him. (Laughter) (Both sighing) (Piano plays intro to "smoke gets in your eyes") ♪ they asked me how I knew ♪ ♪ my true love was true ♪ ♪ I of course replied... ♪ you know, her perfume was a little overwhelming at first, but now I n't mind it so much. Mine has more of a medicinal smell, but it, too, is oddly comforting. If you got something to say, this is my good ear. (Loudly): He said you smell nice. Shut up, man. These old guys are already starting to give us the stink eye. Yeah. Start throwing aarp cards like ninja stars. Yeah, if I'm going to get my ass kicked, I'd rather it weren't by a prosthetic leg. What do you say we get out of here? This place is dead. It will be soon. I got a jug of sangria and a box of dominoes at my place. Ooh, we can watch football and have leftover cobbler. We'll meet you out at the van. Are we really going to do this? Just cobbler and football. Perhaps they're expecting more. Well, whatever happens at the assisted living facility stays at the assisted living facility. This doesn't look like a Thanksgiving dinner. It's like a drive-by at a chicken coop. We got to get some food in your mom before she takes her top off and starts giving my brother dollar lap dances. Vince, she's just trying to upset you. Why don't you go in there and just tell her the truth? Hey, I might be flat broke and living rent-free with you people, but I got my pride. She's a loyal woman. Besides, if she hasn't found a reason to dump you yet, you're probably in the clear. Huh? What did I tell you? Is that a knot, or is that a knot? Very impressive. And that's just one of the things I can do with my tongue. Is your shoe tied? All right, Joyce, reel it in. Frankie, back off. Hey, I'm not doing anything. Although I'm guessing I could if I wanted to. Try it, and the turkey won't be the only thing getting carved tonight. What turkey? It looks like you ran over a family of baby ducks. Hey, until you make an honest woman of me, I'm a free agent. Mom, Vince has something to tell you. No, I don't! Yes, you do. Mike: Do I smell turkey? Stay in bed! Vince! I'm broke, okay? I don't have two nickels to rub together. That's it? That's the reason you haven't married me yet? I want to be able to take care of you. Give you the nice things you deserve. I don't care about any of that. For better or for worse, you big dope. Doesn't that mean anything? But I can't shower you with diamonds and furs. I had to hock my watch to pay for those chickens. I don't need any of that stuff. All I want is you. I love you, Joyce. You're a hell of a broad. I'm up. It's a miracle. I got my appetite back. I think bobo chewed through his chain. Man: By the power vested in me by the state of Illinois, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Mmm. I love you, vin. I love you, too, red. And I promise, as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give you a proper wedding. You already did. And now I'm gonna give you an improper honeymoon. Ah, here you go, baby brother. Just a little something to give you two young people a fresh start. You soft-hearted son of a bitch. I don't know what to say. May I kiss the bride? No. Do they have a cafeteria here? Maybe they got turkey pot pies. Thanksgiving is over, Mike. Turkey jerky. A pigeon. Anything. ♪ Shh. Oh, Magoo, you've done it again. Way too early, Dex. You went fishing again last night, didn't you? Caught two. Didn't throw them back, either. I'm glad you got to play Tony Stark, Mr. Secret Agent Man. But I'm freaking out here. Seattle's breathing down my neck. Don't have a seizure, Dex. You know how big our bonus is if this game does Modern Warfare 3 numbers? Big enough to settle my lawsuit and still be filthy stinking rich. Those cigars will kill you, man. That's part of the fun. Later, Dex. ♪ ♪ NCIS: LA 4x08 ♪ Collateral Original air date on November 27, 2012 == sync, corrected by elderman == ♪ Huh? Look at all those center mass hits. Nine, nine, nine. I should change my name to Herman Cain. Yeah? I think it's more like Pee Wee Herman. Read 'em... and weep. You know what? These targets are culturally biased. Against what, surfers? I'm serious, all right? 'Cause that is not a fair assessment of my skills. I am much better when I'm on the move and the target is talking smack and firing back at me. You still owe me dinner, Crustacean, 8:00 p.m. No sneakers, no jeans, and wear a jacket. Forget the garlic noodles. When am I getting my album back? It's a great record, man; it's irreplaceable. Then why don't you just place it in my hands? Sam let Deeks borrow an album from his vinyl collection? Isaac Hayes' Hot Buttered Soul. Deeks has been on a '70s kick ever since he rented Shaft from Netflix. Not a good idea. What, the Samuel Jackson remake? Borrowing anything from Sam. Here's the deal. I'm just gonna say it. My dog ate it. He what? Monty. - Your dog? - But don't worry, because I have something much, much better. Bam! You know what that is right there? That is every song that Isaac Hayes ever recorded in the palm of your hand-- that's what that is. Check it. Deeks, let me explain something to you. You cannot experience the genius of "Walk on By" on an MP3. He made Burt Bacharach sound funky. Do you know how hard that is? Sam... Vinyl has a much fuller sound; it has character. It's a living, breathing thing. It's... Got to wait. Hetty wants you guys up in ops ASAP. Aah. You're a better liar than that, Deeks. I want my album back. Mmm. Damn it. Nice try. Thanks. At 8:15 this morning, Victor Potter was killed by an explosion on the balcony of his Malibu beach house. The security cam footage is from an adjacent house. - Potter was CIA. Why do they need us? - It's Hetty's call. Roll it back. Sam, did you see that-- the flare? Exploding cigar? Exploding lighter. Well, exploding cigar would've been cooler. You know, Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam. I like Yosemite Sam. Don't implicate him in this. Was Potter working on something? Is this blowback? Hetty's source confirmed he retired from the Agency three years ago. Since then, he's made millions consulting hotshot movie directors and video game companies about his time with the Agency. Wait, so Black Bag was his game? That game is sweet. His espionage CV reads like a Fodor's Guide to the War on Terror. - What was his specialty? - Precision explosives. Somebody's probably trying to send a message. - You think? - Let's check out Potter's place. If this was Hetty's decision, why didn't she brief us? She's stuck on the phone. Huh. Here's all I'm saying. With guns, you're all about the newest and the latest, but not with music. it's like this whole iTunes revolution has completely passed you by. That's the point. Vinyl makes you sit down and listen. Savor the experience, you know? See, that's-that's deep. I always thought that you smelled like sweat and gunpowder, but really, that's patchouli, 'cause you, my friend, are a hippie. Okay. We've just begun our investigation, Owen. I understand that, but it's not necessary. Potter's murder is troubling, I agree. I'll find that out momentarily, as soon as he calls me back. Just received the briefing on Victor Potter. Very good, Mr. Callen. Now, if you'll excuse me. She blew me off. I ignore you all the time; it never bothered you before. Something's up. Something's always up with Hetty. Come on, let's go. I know that look. That's the "what's Hetty not telling me that I'm dying to know" look. Don't try to figure it out. Many have tried and failed. That's actually not what I'm thinking. I just never realized that you were a Yosemite Sam apologist. Yosemite Sam is highly misunderstood. There's a lot of heart behind that fiery temper. Well, I just had you pegged as more of a Hanna-Barbera guy. Ah, Hanna. Barbera. Like I haven't been hearing that every year since third grade. Oh, you were picked on as a kid? Not since I started doing push-ups. What's your favorite cartoon? Let me guess. G-Force. Hong Kong Phooey. He was a genius at undercover work. Underdog beats him every time. He had a better theme song. Plus he could fly. Underdog would kick Hong Kong Phooey's ass. What a view, huh? Potter's got a life like James Bond, got a pad like Scarface, and now he's deader than disco. I guess it's true-- you can't take it with you. Ammonium nitrate, probably-- maybe a smidgen of C-4. What'd you find? Two champagne flutes, two different shades of lipstick. He had company. Computer's got a firewall. We're gonna need Eric to crack it. I wonder what got him more action, the view or these pictures? "Nah, forget about "SEAL Team Six, baby-- I'm the one that told my friend Barack about Abbottabad." I guess your poses with Justin Bieber and Snooki don't quite have the same sex appeal. You'd be surprised. Even if that laptop has a firewall, this tablet may be more useful. Damn. Sam! I'm married, not dead. Wait a minute. I-I know that girl. Yeah, sure you do. I do. I know her. Her name is... Natalie. No, no. Nicole. Nicole. Her name is Nicole. How exactly do you know her? Names come and go, but you never forget - a pretty face like that. - Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't her face you were looking at. I'm serious. - She works at Seven Star Oasis. - And what's that, a cruise line? They may take you on a trip around the world, but no, Seven Star Oasis is one of L.A.'s most elite escort services. That right there is one very expensive call girl. Damn. Uh... strong firewall. So, what are we talking, hours? For Langley, maybe. For me, seconds. Potter's sign-in is "Napoleon Solo." That the guy from Mission: Impossible? The Man from U.N.C.L.E. You know I like old TV shows. Yeah, I know that. You also collect vintage muscle cars and you listen to vinyl records. Your point being? It's just an observation. What's he trying to tell me? That you're a geek. I am not a geek. You don't see me collecting lunch boxes and action figures. Nothing wrong with being a geek, Sam. I am not a geek. Okay. You owe me a dollar, swear jar-- you said "damn." We have a swear jar? Since when? How do you think Hetty affords all of her tea? She never said anything. No. She just takes it out of your paycheck. Damn. Um... Where is Hetty, by the way? I haven't seen her. You get any hits on the women from Potter's tablet? I ran their faces as soon as you e-mailed the video over from Potter's house. Nothing. They're probably here illegally. Okay, focus, boys. So, why did Kensi and Deeks have to break in? Wouldn't it be easier just to ask Seven Star Oasis for a list of their clients and employees? You never know who's gonna be on the client list. Ballplayers, politicians... It would be like Bill Belichick giving you his Super Bowl playbook. But... you wouldn't need Belichick's playbook. Not if you videotaped the team's walk-through before the game. Eric gave me this DVD: 46 Years of Football Highlights. I... finally watched it, and I'm kind of obsessed. J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets! I'm a Pats fan, so I'm gonna pay you now, before I curse. Thank you. Patriots. So, you know this girl? Wha...? No. I never said that I know her know her. I mean, not biblically, at least. It was an undercover vice operation back in the day, and I was always a professional. And you played the pathetic john? No, no, no. I was a player. Yeah, Zegna suit, Rolex. Seven Star Oasis is all about the high rollers. And they believed you? All you got to do is be confident and look the part. Yeah? All right. What are you doing? I look the part? Absolutely. You look the... You look the part. Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult? As a professional-- I mean a pro... Not-not a pro-pro. I just meant like as-as an agent... I'm gonna stop talking. Listen, they're gonna want to probably get a little frisky in the back room, 'cause they want to sample the goods, so be careful. Yeah, I can handle any man that gets fresh with me. Okay. You know that. Yeah. Good luck there, shnookums. ♪ May I help you? Yes. My name is Paola. Paula? Do you have an appointment? No. Well, you can sit over there with everyone else... sweetie. ♪ Yes. I understand. Paula? Go right in. I could always pick a winner. That's my gift. And when I see you, that's what I see. A thoroughbred. Please don't call me a horse. Okay? I'm not an animal. Oh, no, no, no, baby. That's not what I mean. I mean, when I see you, I see someone smart and fast and a go-getter. You don't need any of that stuff. You're the total package. You don't need a short skirt or heels. I'm Wendy. Paola. What's your real name, darling? It's Kathy. Wow. That thing with the accent's impressive. Well, Southern is out. Exotic is in. Ooh. A pretty little thing like you-- I bet you had to chase all those little boys off, huh? Yeah, well, after my stepdaddy, everyone else was kind of easy. You're not gonna have that problem working for me. Darling, I assure you. Because no one's ever gonna touch you unless you say so. All right. Okay. Once we match the photos from Potter's tablet with the Seven Star Oasis database, we'll be in business. How long, Eric? Uh, five more seconds. We keep lonely rich men company. That's it. Nothing happens that you don't want to happen. We protect our employees. A lot of people love working here. And a lot of people have become famous. Come on. Deeks is exposed. We need to get them out of there. Verifying now. What do you want to do? Do you want to sing, act? Are you serious? I could make that happen. Really? Yeah. All you have to do is, um, let me help you. Can I do that? We got it, guys. Get out of there. Hmm? You can't help me. Oh, yes. Not now. And not ever. Hey, I'm gonna need a shower, and I'm going to kill you. She liked you. I could tell. Yeah, you could have warned me, Deeks. Thanks. You said you could handle any man. Didn't think a woman was gonna throw you off your game. Hey, listen to me. Aah! I am going to tell Sam that you sat on his Isaac Hayes record and broke it, and Monty had nothing to do with it. You wouldn't do that. Would you? Hope I don't throw you off your game. That is not cool. So you finally watched that football DVD I gave you? Yup. And you were going to tell me this when? What? So I like football. Big deal. Just something else we have in common. So, the Giants... Are boring. You're talking about the franchise of YA Tittle. Bill Parcells. Lawrence Taylor. The 1958 greatest game ever played that launched the modern NFL. Giants lost that game to the Colts. Okay. So you prefer flash over substance. Broadway lights and pretty-boy quarterbacks. In this case, I think do. Joe Willie Namath had swagger. Ooh. I have to go find Hetty. Just got a message for her. I got swagger. ♪ Do you have a question, Mr. Callen? What's in the box? The past. Securely locked away. Excuse me? Hetty, Assistant Director Granger needs you. It's urgent. Thank you. You'll excuse me, Mr. Callen? So, we've I.D.'d the women who spent the night with Victor Potter before he was killed. I want you to keep an eye on Hetty for me, Nell. You want me to track Hetty? I just need to know where she is. Okay, the last NCIS employee to spy on Hetty now has a permanent lisp. Be discrete. If you get caught, there's always speech therapy. Ha. Yeah, that's not going to help me. Well, at least we'll understand what you're saying. Where's your uniform, Hong Kong Phooey? Where's your theme music, Underdog? Federal agents! We've got a body. Clear. Clear. This one's still breathing. Sam. Eric, we're at Nicole Burns' house. Call Rescue. Got it. Two minutes later, she'd be as dead as her friend. She owes you her life. What did you give her? Naloxone. She'll have a headache like a freight train, but... she'll be coherent. Thank you. This wasn't an accident, was it, Nicole? Why don't you tell us what you remember? I opened the door for him. Who? I don't know his name. He was supposed to pay us as a... as a side deal. He said we could make more money if we didn't involve our agency. That's the guy he wanted us to meet. Victor... Potter. Ex-government big shot. Our client told us, though, that Potter couldn't know we were pros. We were supposed to act like he was Denzel and Liam Neeson rolled into one. I know, right? He wasn't even that good-looking. But he was funny. He had a lot of, um, spy stories, like, stories about presidents. Kissinger always said power is the greatest aphrodisiac. He's wrong. Money is. You said you were paid to seduce Potter? See, that's the thing. Um, our client didn't care if we slept with Potter. All he cared about was some, um, stupid prank with his lighter. It didn't make any sense. I mean, the lighters looked exactly the same. - Turned out to be a bad joke. - You don't know his name, and you invited him back to your house to pay you? No Seven Star Oasis? No security? You look smarter than that, Nicole. His name is Ruiz. That's all I know. He was popular with the girls. Not a cheapskate like some of these other guys. He took girls shopping on Rodeo Drive, that sort of stuff. Sounds like you liked this guy. Until he pulled a gun and shot us up with smack, Ruiz was a real charmer. How's Inez? Inez didn't make it. I'm sorry. Nicole just I.D.'d Raul Ruiz as both her client and assailant. He's got more bodies on him than Freddy Krueger. There's an alphabet soup of agencies who want him. He does wet work for the highest bidder. Cartels, black bag disavowed missions, stuff for anyone who's got the cash. You think Ruiz was doing some of Potter's dirty work? Maybe stiffed him for money? Whoop, hold on a second. Guys, I got a location on Ruiz. Okay, security cam picked him up at a cafe in Montrose. Okay. You happen to know where Hetty is, Nell? I'm sorry. I tried. She even took the chip out of her cell phone. Henrietta's whereabouts are of no one's concern but her own. You know where Hetty is? She can take care of herself. Henrietta's a big girl. Well, relatively speaking. So, where is she? You solved Potter's murder and have a location for his assassin. The CIA can take it from here. You asking us to stand down? Did I stutter? Book's closed. What if we use, like, a bookmark? Control your people, Mr. Callen. Let's roll. Hello? You've got company. What do you want me to do? Nothing. I'll take care of it. Stay right there. We'll take him on my call. Get down! Get down! Deeks? No shot. Eric, did you get that vehicle? Lincoln Navigator, no plates. Sorry, guys. We lost them. Where's Granger? He left right after you did. He say where he was going? No. Anything from the traffic cams? Uh, couple of angles of the shooting, but no clear view of the driver or the passenger. Thanks, Eric. What's up? We defied a direct order, and we've got nothing to show for it. It's not the first time. This is on Granger's watch. Suddenly you're worried about Granger? Hetty insists we take a case, and she disappears. And Granger's all over us, and now he disappears? Yeah. Something's missing. And I think I know where to find it. Nell. I got another job for you. No. I wouldn't do it for Joe Namath's Super Bowl ring. If Hetty wants to keep something private, it should stay that way. This is all we've got, Nell. Hetty could be in trouble-- we got to do this... I know you know the code. Come on, Nell. She put something in that box. I know it's important. All right. Okay. That wasn't so hard. It's easy for you to say. They don't get NFL Sunday Ticket in Guantanamo Bay. Fireman Ed would be proud of you. That's Potter, our dead guy, with Hetty and Granger. This was taken someplace Middle Eastern. Karachi? Cairo? Yeah, but how long ago? At least a decade ago. I can't tell. Potter's dead. Hetty and Granger are off the grid. Maybe it all comes down to this guy. This is where Hetty's going. To find him. This is Barry Brooks, another CIA vet with a long association with our victim Victor Potter. How well does he know Hetty and Granger? Well enough for them all to have connected in Afghanistan in the '80s. After that, they became part of an informal team for nearly 15 years for the CIA, also the CIA/NCIS joint task forces. Can you pinpoint the time and location of this photo? - That's a negative. - Any conflict between Brooks and Hetty? Based on e-mails from Potter's hard drive, Brooks's main conflict was with Potter. Brooks accused Potter of embellishing their old missions for profit with his, uh, video game and movie consulting. Do you think Brooks would really be willing to kill his former partner over that? Well, it can be frustrating when your partner grandstands and likes to take credit for everything. I mean, I can sympathize, but killing for that might be a bit extreme. Yeah? So, what does any of this have to do with the party girls, Ruiz or the woman who killed him? Well, the girls were paid to switch the lighters. Ruiz probably tried to kill them - to tie up some loose ends. - Okay, well, if that's the case, then who hired Ruiz? Well, it could be the woman who went all Angelina Jolie on him in Montrose. Maybe Brooks hired both of them. Makes sense. - He's the last man standing. - When was the last time either Brooks or Potter tried to contact Hetty? How about yesterday? Brooks is preparing a multi-million-dollar lawsuit against Potter for a share of Potter's profits from the Black Bag video game. Potter e-mailed Hetty to ask for her advice. The last call Hetty made from her desk was to Brooks's home phone line. Think she paid him a visit? Federal agents! Clear. Got a body. Clear. Clear. Clear. It's Brooks. Looks like he dragged himself. "Nogales Bo"? Nogales is a town in Arizona. It also means "walnut trees" in Spanish, but I don't know what "Bo" means. The old man took on a few of them, but they beat him. Tortured him, maybe. They either left his body here... Or he crawled over here with his dying breath. To draw something in his own blood that makes no sense? Yeah, Bo knows... Bo knows nothing. Guys, got something here. Nobody move. It's a trip wire. Careful, Sam. Eric? Yeah? Call the bomb squad. On it. This was meant for Hetty. Thank you, Commander. I'll pass it on. So, LAPD bomb squad disabled the device. I guess that's something. Any word from the others? They're on their way back. Still no sign of Hetty. Maybe that's a good thing. How do you figure that? The bomb didn't get her. Yeah, but maybe the person who set the bomb did. Hetty's too smart for that. Okay, then why can't we find her? Why hasn't she tried to contact us? Somebody is out there trying to kill her. I know-- we've got to stay cool. This is Hetty, right? She's always three steps ahead of everyone. She's tactically brilliant, ridiculously courageous, experienced, resourceful. I mean, if Mata Hari and Genghis Khan had a daughter, it'd be Hetty. Or General Patton and Joan of Arc. Exactly. Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful. Say it. Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful. Don't underestimate Hetty. She never underestimates us. Eric, downstairs. Guys are back. I'm thinking they dragged Brooks' body into the bathroom, then rigged him with a booby trap, left him for dead. Only he wasn't. Not quite. "Bo" we know now stood for bomb, but "Nogales"? Could "Nogales" be the name of the woman who killed Ruiz at the cafe? Maybe. This whole thing could be about her. She hires Ruiz to take out Potter and Brooks, and then rigs the body to take out Hetty when she comes looking for him. So, Ruiz is at the cafe waiting for her, probably to get paid. She spots us and decides to kill him? Doesn't matter-- he's dead either way. If Hetty was in danger, why would she leave here? Because, if someone is after Hetty, the last place on earth - she's gonna lead them is here. - Knowing Hetty, she'd set a trap to see who's coming after her. If she needs our help, why wouldn't she make it easier for us? Because that's not Hetty. Doesn't mean she didn't leave bread crumbs. We just got take a step back and find them. What you thinking? Nogal- - Spanish for walnut tree. Nell? You remember that get-well basket we sent Hetty? She sent it back because of all the nuts. Yeah, I picked it out. Yeah, I chipped in for that-- it wasn't cheap. Hetty's allergic to nuts. Okay, now, that's odd, even for Hetty. Eric, check Hetty's computer log. Hetty's last search was on the CIA database for a Casa De Nogales. That's got to be it. It was used as a presidential retreat for Gerald Ford, last used as a safe house for NSA, NCIS, CIA, anyone who needed it. Hetty's sending us a message-- she's taking a stand. Shh. Don't even think about it. Gun. Let's go. This is the best Langley can do? The boys are slipping. Hetty? You had orders, Agent Callen. Mr. Callen. Farmer, is that you? Sam Hanna. How's Michelle? She's good. She's good. Uh, guys, this is my old DEVGRU commander, Dale Farmer. He's CIA now, special operations group. - Taught me everything I know. - Well, almost everything. I pinned that Trident to your chest-- don't you forget that. If we wanted you here, we would have called. Was this your doing, Henrietta? I didn't call them, Owen. This is not my idea to be here. So, what's going on, Dale? Well, after Potter was killed and Brooks went silent, we thought it'd be best to, uh, sequester the old team until we could figure out who was coming after them. You don't know who's after you? We made a lot of enemies over the years, Mr. Callen. Well, Brooks was tortured to death. He wrote "Nogales" in his own blood, and that's how we found you. Your operational security's been blown, Hetty. We need to move you. I'll call it in. No, you guys have done enough. It's my call to make. Aah! Farmer, you okay? Just a little scratch. At least two shooters. Make that four! Or five. Let's bang out from both sides, double back - with the car for Farmer. - Kensi, Deeks, take the front; we'll take the back. Got it. You watch our backs, stabilize Farmer. You stay here. Deeks! Reloading. Callen, Sam, black Navigator coming your way. Who are you? My name is Fatima Khan. I thought I told you to stay back. We share a similar attitude towards obeying the rules, Mr. Callen. You know her? I do now. Fatima Khan was born in Karachi to a mother who sewed dresses and a father who was a cab driver. When she was 12 years old, her father began driving a cab for this man. Him I know. Noreen Haseeb, former Mujahedeen soldier, and founding member of al-Qaeda. He was one of the architects of the Nairobi Embassy bombings. One day, Noreen Haseeb had a meeting with a terrorist cell. Fatima's father was driving Haseeb to the meeting when the cab exploded-- it wasn't an accident. Zoom in on that guy in the back. It's Victor Potter. CIA records confirm Potter's team was responsible for the bombing. I found one other photo. You think that little girl is Fatima Khan? I think so. Her father died in the blast. Fatima eventually earned her computer engineering degree from Caltech, founded her own telecommunications firm in Pakista- made millions. Her company created an eavesdropping device that was contracted by the Pakistan's ISI. Eventually, she joined the Agency, becoming a point person on joint ISI/CIA missions. Her clearance would have given her access to classified files. She had her own agenda. That's how she found out about Victor Potter and the rest of his team. And her deep pockets paid for Ruiz and anybody else who would help her get her revenge. She wasn't born a killer. We made her one. I told you, I'm better when I move and they're shooting at me. Still owe me Crustacean. And you owe me an Isaac Hayes record. Actually... I don't. Bam. Where'd you find these? Casa De Nogales had a whole stack of records. Those were sandwiched between Hotel California and Zeppelin Four. You ready? Oh, uh, you want to come have drinks with us? Come on, man. Hang out with us. I have Eric and Nell coming over to my place. Gonna watch a James Bond marathon on Blu-ray. I got the box set. Seriously? Yeah. Well... So, you're a geek? I am not a geek. Then you're a fan boy? I'm a complicated man. Can I come? Mr. Callen. I'm allergic to nuts. Is that the good stuff? It's 50 years old. It bloody well better be good. So, would you do it again? Without hesitation, Owen. Two lives saved hundreds of others. Well, Potter planted the bomb, but it was your finger on the detonator. Not everyone can do what we do. The secrets we live with, the personal sacrifices we make. I just pray the world's a better place for them. I didn't choose this life, Owen. It chose me. All you can do is keep your head down, your gun up and your conscience clear. The night is young. Let's get faded. == sync, corrected by elderman == [ SNORING ] SIR. THAT VEHICLE IS TRAVELING FOUR MILES ABOVE THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT. THAT'S MR. RUBIO. A LOT ON HIS MIND. WIFE'S ABOUT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. WE'LL LET HIM SLIDE THIS TIME. BUT, SIR, ISN'T IT OUR DUTY TO UPHOLD THE LAW? BETTER FOR EVERYBODY WHEN WE UPHOLD IT WITH COMPASSION. [ RUSTLING ] NOW, THAT WE CAN PURSUE. TEAM, I NEED BACKUP. SORRY, CODY. YOU'RE GONNA BE A LITTLE LATE TO SCHOOL. AH. NO! NO! [ SIREN WAILS ] GET EVERYONE OUT OF THAT HOUSE! WHO IS THAT? [ ELECTRICITY ZAPS ] HEY, THAT'S MY MOVE. ¶ A ROUTINE PATROL WITH FOUR BOTS IN STASIS ¶ ¶ YEARS LATER, AWOKE IN THE STRANGEST OF PLACES ¶ ¶ EARTH WAS THEIR HOME NOW, AND IN ADDITION ¶ ¶ OPTIMUS PRIME GAVE THEM THIS MISSION ¶ ¶ LEARN FROM THE HUMANS, SERVE AND PROTECT ¶ ¶ LIVE IN THEIR WORLD, EARN THEIR RESPECT ¶ ¶ A FAMILY OF HEROES WILL BE YOUR ALLIES ¶ ¶ TO OTHERS, REMAIN ROBOTS IN DISGUISE ¶ ¶ RESCUE BOTS ¶ ROLL TO THE RESCUE ¶ HUMANS IN NEED ¶ HEROES, INDEED ¶ RESCUE BOTS ¶ ROLL TO THE RESCUE ¶ RESCUE BOTS ¶ WITH CODY TO GUIDE THEM AND SHOW THEM THE WAY ¶ ¶ RESCUE BOTS WILL BE SAVING THE DAY ¶ ¶ RESCUE BOTS ¶ ROLL TO THE RESCUE ¶ RESCUE BOTS ANOTHER RESCUE BOT? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS, DAD? COOL! WHERE DID IT COME FROM? WE DON'T KNOW, AND IT COULD BE HOSTILE. RESCUE BOTS, SURROUND THE -- SURROUND NOTHING! THAT THING JUST SAVED MY HOUSE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO TO THANK! THAT WOULD BE WHOM TO THANK, MR. MAYOR. AND THE ANSWER WOULD BE ME -- DR. MOROCCO. WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TO GRIFFIN ROCK, DOCTOR? WHY, MY GREAT LOVE FOR THIS LITTLE COMMUNITY, OF COURSE. AND THIS TIME, I COME BEARING GIFTS. BLACK-MARKET SALES FOR YOUR JUNK TECH HAVE SLOWED DOWN, HUH? I KNOW NOT OF WHAT YOU SPEAK, YOUNG LADY. I BUILD SENSIBLE DEVICES FOR LEGITIMATE BUSINESSES, LIKE MY NEW BREED OF RESCUE ROBOT. IT SINGLE-HANDEDLY DOES THE WORK OF YOUR ENTIRE SQUAD. I DO HOPE THEY'RE MADE OF RECYCLABLE PARTS. HEY, LISTEN, DOC, OUR ROBOTS AREN'T GETTING SCRAPPED. YOU CAN'T JUST BARGE IN HERE WITH UNPROVEN TECHNOLOGY. I -- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUNG MAN. MY MORBOT NEEDS TO PROVE ITSELF, SO I PROPOSE A TEST. YOUR ROBOTS AGAINST MINE. SURELY THERE'S NOTHING MORE FAIR THAN THAT. APPRECIATE THE OFFER, DOCTOR, BUT LAST TIME YOU PAID US A VISIT, YOUR TECH PROVED TO BE BOTH DANGEROUS AND UNCONTROLLABLE. THAT'S WHY DOC GREENE WAS HIRED INSTEAD OF YOU. I'VE HEARD THE GOOD DOCTOR HAS BEEN SACKED. SAD, REALLY. IT'S NOT DOC'S FAULT. SOMEONE HACKED THE MAINFRAME AND THEN STUCK A VIRUS INTO -- AH, THE FAITH OF AN INNOCENT CHILD. THE POINT REMAINS, MY MORBOT CAN HANDLE THE UNPREDICTABLE BETTER THAN YOUR CURRENT TEAM OF MACHINES AND HUMANS. MAYOR, PLEASE. SAYS WHO? HE CAN'T TALK TO US LIKE THAT. ENOUGH! CHIEF, YOU AND DR. MOROCCO COME TO THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING THIS AFTERNOON. I CAN'T MAKE ANY IMPORTANT DECISIONS WITHOUT PANTS. HEY, FRANKIE! SHH. SORRY, MRS. NEDERLANDER. SHE DOESN'T RUN A VERY FRIENDLY BED AND BREAKFAST. I'M WORRIED ABOUT DADDY. HE SAYS HE'S FINE, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. CODY, CHIEF, GOOD AFTERNOON. MY UNEXPECTED VACATION HAS PROVEN SO VALUABLE. I TOOK UP A NEW HOBBY, MAKING BIRDHOUSES. [ BIRD CHIRPING ] IT'S NOT REALLY THAT CHALLENGING. DOC, MOROCCO'S BACK. HE'S TRYING TO GET RID OF THE RESCUE BOTS AND MY FAMILY. NOW, YOU SAY THIS ROBOT CAN DO THE WORK OF AN ENTIRE RESCUE TEAM? IN ANY EMERGENCY ALL BY ITSELF. AND BECAUSE MY MORBOT DOES NOT REQUIRE A HUMAN HANDLER, IT COMPLETELY ELIMINATES ANY MISPLACED EMPATHY OR HUMAN ERROR. IT ELIMINATES MY TEAM. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, COUNCIL, MY FAMILY AND OUR BOTS HAVE KEPT GRIFFIN ROCK REMARKABLY SAFE. AT GREAT RISK TO YOUR OWN LIVES. MORBOT WOULD PUT THE BURNS FAMILY OUT OF HARM'S WAY. WE KNOW DANGER IS PART OF THE JOB. THERE'S NO REASON TO REPLACE US. I'M SO SORRY. I THOUGHT THIS TOWN WELCOMED ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY. I'D BETTER GIVE MY ROBOT TO A MORE SOPHISTICATED CITY. YES! JUST A SECOND, DOCTOR! GRIFFIN ROCK WILL TRY YOUR MORBOT. IF IT CAN SAFELY DO THE WORK OF CHIEF'S TEAM, I'M SURE THEY'LL HAPPILY, UH, STEP ASIDE. MR. MAYOR, I DO NOT -- YOUR BOTS REPLACED DOZENS OF VEHICLES, CHIEF. PROGRESS MARCHES ON. ALL IN FAVOR? STARTING TOMORROW, THE MORBOT WILL ASSIST IN ALL EMERGENCIES. MAY THE BEST BOT WIN. THEY CAN'T DO THIS! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ONE EMERGENCY VEHICLE? SHARE IT? WON'T BE A PROBLEM. THE TOWN'S DUMPING US, TOO. THIS JOB IS ABOUT KEEPING PEOPLE SAFE. NO WAY ONE ROBOT CAN PROTECT AN ENTIRE ISLAND. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE FLYING DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO BE GROUNDED. [ SQUEAKING ] [ SIGHS ] I GUESS EVERYONE'S REPLACEABLE. NOBODY HAS BEEN REPLACED. THIS IS A CONTEST, WHICH WE CAN WIN. DAD'S RIGHT. WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF? THE MORBOT IS A MACHINE, PROGRAMMABLE METAL. YOU'RE -- EXPERIENCED, THINKING RESCUE BOTS. AGAINST THIS TEAM, THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. [ BEEPING ] GUYS, IT'S GO TIME! RESCUE BOTS, ROLL TO THE RESCUE! [ SIREN WAILS ] [ GASPS ] DAD, GET OUT OF THERE! THE CRATES ARE FULL OF EXPLOSIVES! BURNS FAMILY, WE NEED TO CLEAR OUT, NOW! DAD, WE CAN GET THIS DONE FASTER IF WE ALL WORK TOGETHER! NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE. HEATWAVE, CAN YOU HANDLE THE EXPLOSIVES? WE HAVE IT. MOVE, KADE. BOTS AREN'T AS FRAGILE AS HUMANS. HEY! WE HAVE COMPANY. AND NOT THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR KIND. APPARENTLY, THE MORBOT CORRECTLY OBSERVED THAT HIS ASSISTANCE IS NOT NEEDED. WHOA! AGH, WE HAD THAT COVERED! NOT MUCH FOR SUBTLETY, IS IT? OR SAFETY. BANGING THOSE CRATES AROUND COULD HAVE SET OFF THE EXPLOSIVES. AND LOOK AT THIS MESS. LITTERING. THAT ROBOT CAN EXPECT A CITATION IN THE MAIL. HE CAN ALSO EXPECT HEADLINES. HUXLEY PRESCOTT REPORTING LIVE. THAT'S ONE FOR THE MORBOT, ZERO FOR THE HOME TEAM! CAN THE BURNS FAMILY STILL CUT IT? ARE THE RESCUE BOTS RESCUE NOTS? STAY TUNED FOR MORE EXCLUSIVE MORBOT ACTION. WHO WANTS TO WATCH A BRAINLESS ROBOT? THERE'S NO WAY IT'S BETTER AT OUR JOBS THAN WE ARE. EXCEPT FOR THE TIME WHEN IT JUST WAS. THAT ISN'T YOU! NO WAY! SURE, MORBOT PUT OUT THE FIRE, BUT IT CAUSED EVEN MORE PROBLEMS DOING IT! A MACHINE'S NO MATCH FOR REAL HEROES. I'LL SHOW YOU. THIS IS THE STORY OF JOHN HENRY. HE WORKED ON THE RAILROAD USING ONLY HIS HAMMER. I FEEL REASSURED ALREADY. ONE DAY, A MACHINE SHOWED UP TO REPLACE HIM, SO JOHN HENRY CHALLENGED IT. WHOEVER COULD GET THE JOB DONE FIRST WOULD WIN. YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP? JOHN HENRY WORKED AS HARD AS HE COULD, AND HE BEAT THAT MACHINE WITH THE STRENGTH OF HIS ARMS AND THE POWER OF HIS MIGHTY HEART. SO HE GOT TO KEEP HIS JOB? UH, YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THE END. THEN WE NEED TO WORK HARDER. WE'LL SHOW THAT MINDLESS ROBOT EXACTLY WHO IT'S UP AGAINST! I HAD ONE JUST LIKE THIS WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. HERE YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN. READY FOR BLAST-OFF. WHAT WAS THAT? WE HAVE A MODEL ROCKET CAUSING TROUBLE ON LAKE STREET. I'M ON IT. [ SIREN WAILS ] AAH! GAH! GRAB IT, BOULDER. AAH! [ SHOUTING ] I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I'M ON THE ROCKET'S TAIL. NO, THIS ONE'S MINE. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, GRAHAM. I WAS. THAT'S WHY BOULDER TOLD YOU TO MOVE. GUYS! MORBOT'S HERE! [ SIREN WAILS ] ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE CHALLENGER! AND ANOTHER DEFEAT FOR OUR RESCUE BOTS. BESTED BY A CHILD'S TOY. MAKES YOU WONDER IF OUR TOWN HAS EVER BEEN SAFE WITH THE BURNS FAMILY AT THE HELM. YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT. HEY, WHAT I BELIEVE IN IS A GOOD STORY. AND THIS IS A GREAT STORY. I DON'T GET IT. THE BOTS SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT. SOMETHING'S FISHY ABOUT THAT ROCKET. DOCTOR MOROCCO. DAD, I THINK I KNOW WHAT MADE THAT ROCKET GO OUT OF CONTROL. CAN WE TALK LATER, CODY? MY HANDS ARE KIND OF FULL HERE. FRANKIE, SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON WITH MOROCCO. CAN I COME OVER? SURE THING, CODY, AS SOON AS WE GET BACK TO -- AGH! I THOUGHT I FIXED THIS! [ GASPS ] [ BOTH SCREAM ] WATCH IT! ARE YOU CRAZY? DAD, DOC GREENE'S SOLAR CAR IS ON THE FRITZ AGAIN. FRANKIE SAYS THEY'RE ON RUSSELL STREET. DID YOU HEAR THAT, TEAM? GREAT. ANOTHER CHANCE FOR HOTSHOT BOT TO KICK OUR -- HEY, THERE ARE EIGHT OF YOU AND ONE OF HIM. IF YOU ALL WORK TOGETHER, YOU HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE. REMEMBER, THIS ISN'T ABOUT SHOWING UP ANOTHER ROBOT. OUR FIRST AND ONLY PRIORITY IS KEEPING PEOPLE SAFE. COMPASSION, SIR. IT'S WHAT MAKES US GOOD AT OUR JOBS. [ SIREN WAILS ] DON'T WORRY, DADDY. THE RESCUE BOTS WILL SAVE US. NOW, BLADES! [ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ] OOH. HA! HOPE HUXLEY GOT THAT ON CAMERA. OH, THANK YOU! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOT IN TO MY CAR. [ ENGINE REVS ] AAH! YOU COVERED THE SOLAR PANELS, REMOVED THE BACKUP BATTERY! THE CAR HAS NO SOURCE OF POWER! NO! MY CAR! THERE'S NO EXPLANATION FOR IT. OH, OF COURSE, THERE IS. YOU! YOUR TECH IS A MENACE TO OUR SOCIETY. MR. MAYOR, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE UNHARMED. OH, I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF MY MORBOT HADN'T BEEN ON HAND TO SAVE CITY HALL. SAVE IT? DO YOU NOT SEE THE GIANT CRATER? BETTER HERE THAN IN MY OFFICE! WHAT IF THERE HAD STILL BEEN PEOPLE IN THAT CAR? YOU WANT NEWS, HUXLEY? HERE IT IS. I'M HIRING DR. MOROCCO AS GRIFFIN ROCK'S LEAD SCIENTIST. THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED! ALL I CAN SAY IS, I ACCEPT. YOUR TECH CAME THROUGH WHEN OUR TOWN NEEDED IT MOST. MAYBE YOU CAN CLEAN UP DOC GREENE'S MESS. YOU PLANNED THIS! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT I'LL FIND OUT. HMM. CHILDREN SHOULD REALLY BE SEEN AND NEVER BE HEARD. RUN ALONG. AND BECAUSE THE MORBOT HAS PROVEN IT CAN PROTECT GRIFFIN ROCK MUCH BETTER THAN OUR CURRENT TEAM, CHIEF BURNS AND HIS RESCUE FORCE WILL STEP DOWN. WHAT? NO WAY! WHY? ARE YOU KIDDING? MAYOR, PLEASE! LOOK AT THE DAMAGE THAT ROBOT CAUSED. IT DOESN'T THINK LIKE A HUMAN. AND YOUR ROBOTS DO? MY FAMILY DOES. D'OH! YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO FIND NEW JOBS. HEROES, INDEED. MORBOT, PATROL. [ COUGHS ] WHAT DO WE DO NOW? MAY I SUGGEST BIRDHOUSES? UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE WERE BEATEN BY THAT GEAR-HEADED GOON! WE HAVE FAILED THIS TOWN AND EVERYONE IN IT. THEY FAILED US, TOO, CHASE. CHIEF SAID WE WOULDN'T LOSE OUR JOBS. HUMANS SAY A LOT OF THINGS. UGH! UGH! BOULDER, ARE YOU OKAY? I FINISHED THE BOOK. EVEN THOUGH JOHN HENRY TRIED HIS HARDEST, HIS HEART GAVE OUT IN THE END. THAT'S HOW I FEEL, TOO. BUT YOU CAN'T GIVE UP! DR. MOROCCO DID THIS. WE'LL FIGURE OUT HOW TO STOP HIM! OKAY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, CODY, BUT WE DON'T NEED CHEERING UP. WE NEED TO BE REASSIGNED A NEW MISSION. SOMEWHERE ELSE. NO! YOU DON'T! [ CELLPHONE RINGS ] HEY, FRANKIE. CODY, GUESS WHAT? DAD JUST EXAMINED WHAT'S LEFT OF OUR CAR, AND HE FOUND SOMETHING AWFULLY FAMILIAR INSIDE. Previously on Damages... Bloody, half naked, wandering the streets at 7:00 a.m. Just your type. All we found on her was this. "Hollis M. Nye, Attorney-at-Law." I want to help you, Ellen, 'cause I know you didn't do it. I am Catherine's legal guardian. To get custody, you're going to have to prove that I perpetrated fraud. The fraud you perpetrated was convincing the state you were a fit mother. We'll get you a list of our witnesses. I thought about you when you were gone. I'm not really in the... best state of mind these days. Whenever you feel like it-- if you ever feel like it and you're interested, I'm here. She wants to get out from under my shadow, but she'll never be able to. I've always wanted to find a woman who could step into my shoes. I am offering you my hand, Ellen. You chose winning over everything-- your husband, your son, me. All you have in your life is your next case. I'm not interested. You are an ungrateful child and you are in for a rude awakening. Our list of witnesses. ♪ Little lamb ♪ ♪ When I am through with you ♪ ♪ There won't be anything left ♪ ♪ When I am through with you ♪ ♪ There won't be anything left ♪ ♪ When I am through with you ♪ I need that research, Bill. Got it right here. Good afternoon, Ms. Hewes. You're sitting in Grandma's chair. Well, you can get off now. Get off Mommy's chair. You're not my mommy. And you're not the one who's supposed to be there. You're no one's mommy. Get off. You're no one's mommy. Get off. You're no one's mommy. Get the fuck off! Patty. Patty. You all right? Yeah. Oh, okay. This real estate contact told me that Ellen has recently pulled the trigger on a new office, and word is that a few clients have approached her, and she turned them all down. Of course she did. She's waiting. For what? For a case big enough to put her on the map. Now, look, this obsession you have about this girl is a distraction. All she's trying to do is get on with her life. Now, you forget about her. I can't. Why not? Oh, because she's going to testify against you in Catherine's custody case? Ellen wants to hurt me. Ah, come on, big deal, she can't hurt you. What are you worried about? She knows things. What do you mean, she knows things? Oh. Well, that's a very different story. So I just want to say congratulations to both of you, and especially you, Tony. Come on, everyone here knows that Tony has been trying to date Cheryl for-- since tenth grade. Somehow, after 15 years, you got her to marry you. I don't know how you did it, man. You-- you, my friend, you're a lucky man. Yes. Raise your glasses. Here's to persistence. Thanks, bro. All right. Thanks, man. Hey, congratulations. Thanks, Parsons. That was so beautiful. Another bourbon? No, I'm good. Uh, I've got an early start, but, uh, the next round is on me. It's already taken care of. Congratulations again. Hang on a second. Hey, you're not sticking around? No, I should... I should probably take off. I, uh, I'm sorry we didn't really get to talk that much tonight. That's all right. Next time. At some point we should get dinner, you know, sometime... or something. Yeah, okay. No pressure. Whenever-- totally up to you. All right. It was really good to see you. Global trade has grown dramatically, but the Panama Canal, one of the most... That is about to change. The expansion of the Panama Canal is one of the largest construction projects in the world right now-- a multibillion-dollar effort that will add a third channel to the waterway allowing massive cargo ships from China... Everything okay? Everything is significantly better than okay. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Where the hell are we? This is my new office. You might want to invest in some walls. Walls are overrated. You hungry? What are you doing for breakfast? Oh, shit. Sorry, I have to be in court this morning. You trying a new case? No, I don't have any clients yet. It's something else. I'm a character witness. For what? I'm testifying against Patty in a child custody case. I don't get it. Patty took her granddaughter away from her son. Now he wants her back. Were you subpoenaed? No. I volunteered. I'm looking forward to it. The equity long/short guys have been the darling of your newspaper forever. Well, hell, no, I'm not bashful about the Fund's successes, an-and you shouldn't be either. All I'm asking for is a little positive press from you. That's all I'm saying. Thank you. Can you think of anyone more useless than a financial reporter? Not off the top of my head. You wanted to see me? Some more information is gonna be coming your way. I see. - So... - Usual protocols. It stays on this floor. I do not want it going wide. Of course. Is there a problem, Naomi? No. We're up 22% in a shitbag economy. Our strategies are paying off. Be happy. I got to take this. But I'm taking you to lunch today. Steak, sushi, you think about it. Bruce Davies. Fuck GenCorp. Wouldn't go near it. I've been living abroad for some time now, which is natural for me. I grew up all over the world. But you are an American citizen. Technically. The American State Department said your web site is directly responsible for the deaths of three diplomats in Iraq. Untrue. Still, if you're leaking stolen information. I don't leak anything. I provide a safe haven for whistleblowers who want to get information to the public. What about your personal life? It's difficult to have one when you live in shadow. I receive a lot of threats. Governments and CEOs throughout the world have... Turn it off. ...condemned my web site and its mission. - Do you recognize... - You haven't seen the whole cut. I don't need to. PBS wants to air it in the States. Do you approve? No. I don't like how I come off. I think you come off great. Channing? She called. Did she make a decision? No. She wants to have a conversation, face-to-face. Fly her over here. She won't come. She doesn't want to cast suspicion on herself. She said it's time-sensitive. Make arrangements. We're going to New York. I don't think that's wise. She'll come through for us, Rutger. Trust me. I'd prefer to be the one to talk to her. And we're gonna need to find ourselves an attorney. Whatever you think is best. Just make arrangements. I respectfully request that Ms. Parsons be removed from the witness list and not be allowed to testify, Your Honor. Ms. Parsons is a legitimate character witness. She can attest to Ms. Hewes' fitness as a parent. Ms. Parsons is single and childless. She doesn't know the first thing about motherhood. That's irrelevant. Ms. Hewes regularly brought my client's daughter to the office. Ellen Parsons was an associate in my law firm. She signed a confidentiality agreement, Your Honor. She can't testify to what she witnessed-- or claims she witnessed-- while working for me. You have the discretion to decide that, Your Honor. All right, look. This weekend's Columbus Day, and I'm going apple picking. I will take your briefs with me and think about it. Thank you. Thank you, Your Honor. Sorry, Ms. Parsons, I'm afraid you won't be testifying today. You have the right to speak to an attorney. You're aware of that? I don't need an attorney. You make me come to you, and you're late? I was stuck in a meeting. So, I have a proposal for you. Hmm, what's that? One weekend every three months. One weekend. It's generous. You haven't a legal leg to stand on, so just take it. What happened? Until today, you've refused to move an inch; now suddenly you're making an offer? Michael, I have real cases to try. I can't waste my time on this. No. You're afraid. Of you? No. You don't want Ellen to testify. You're worried about what she's going to say. What does she know about you anyway? One weekend every three months. Not good enough. It's better than you'll get in a trial. Ms. Hewes? Yeah? A Rutger Simon called for you. In regard to what? Channing McClaren wants to meet with you. I'm grateful you came, Ms. Hewes. I've been following your career. Likewise. So you know what I do? Of course. What can I do for you? I'm going to be receiving some sensitive information soon. I'll need a civil attorney. What kind of information? I can't tell you that. Can you give me the general area? I just said I can't tell you. Don't waste my time. It's about Wall Street. A rather large investment bank has been misbehaving. How large? The institution's over a century old. Its assets are worth $500 billion. And you think as soon as this information comes out, someone's going to sue you? It happens every time I post a leak. I've been living in Europe for the past decade, but... now I need an American attorney. I appreciate some of your work, Mr. McClaren, but I'm not sure I approve of your methods. My methods? The hacking world's like the Wild West, and you're the self-appointed sheriff. Who's policing you? I don't need policing. I expose the truth. By stealing secrets? I'm flattered by your interest, but... you and I aren't a good fit. Don't be stupid. You need me. Do I? More than I need you. You're an old woman. You have just a handful of productive years left until my generation unseats you. You may dislike my methods, but... with me, you'll stay relevant. I'll take my chances without you. But if you're looking for an attorney... This is the best one I know. Thank you for flying over, but I prefer to talk directly to Mr. McClaren. Channing thought it was best you deal with me. They got another tip. This one's gonna make them billions. How high up the ladder does this go? I can't say. I only know what happens in Fund 23. My supervisor runs it as he sees fit. You can stop him. You have the evidence, right? Fund records, trades, account information? I have access to everything. Good. I do this, they're gonna shut the Fund down. I won't have a job. We can guarantee your anonymity. Your name will be removed. I have a daughter. She's applying to college. I don't know if I can be in the middle of all of this. I understand. Not everyone can handle the pressure. But if you do want to move forward, use this to encrypt your data. There's instructions in here, how to upload everything to our server. If you decide you can help us, these codes are good for the next 48 hours. So, why would you turn down McClaren as a client? I don't like him. Well, what the hell does that got to do with anything? This kid's the new wave. He's an international phenomenon. He's arrogant and he's dangerous. Huh. What? What is it? The judge is going to let Ellen testify against me. So, now you got to protect yourself. You got to forget about your granddaughter. Oh, come on, you don't want her anyway; she's just another distraction. I sent my kids to boarding school; I gave them to someone who knew what to do with them. Michael has no idea what it means to be a parent. Do you? You tried it once. It didn't work. Now you got to move on. You got to focus on your career. Take McClaren as a client. If you're so worried that Parsons gonna hang you in court, then you got to suck it up and give your son back his kid. I was thinking about you. Are you sure you want to get involved in Patty's custody battle? Seems a bit personal. It's already personal between me and Patty. Testifying against her is the least I could do. What do you mean? Patty's... done certain things. Like what? It's probably better if I don't tell you. Okay. The woman belongs in prison. So go to the police. The things I know about her, I-I can't prove. I don't have any hard evidence. It would just be my word against hers. Well... all I'm saying is, you're trying to move your career forward. Patty's very powerful. She could hurt you. I hear you. You're not the first person to warn me about Patty. Detectives. Come in. Hi. It's been a while. Yeah. Thanks, uh, thanks so much for coming. We have the evidence you asked for. I appreciate it. You were lucky. Uh, usually when a case is solved, uh, this stuff gets shipped upstate. You really didn't have to bring it down. I was happy to come pick it up. Well, we were glad to hear from you. We were wondering how you were doing. Oh, good. Thanks. Uh, Detective Ortiz and I talk about your fiancé's case all the time. It's good to see you're well. Thank you. Anyway, this evidence, um, well, we bent the rules to get you this, so can you give us a heads-up when you're done? Yeah, of... absolutely, of course. You take care. If you need anything, you let us know? I will. You're special, Ellen, but that will only make the fall harder. There won't be room for you and Patty. With Patty Hewes, there's only Patty. She'll see what I see, and she'll own you. Ms. Hewes... Ellen Parsons is missing. Oh. Any idea where she's at? Mom? Hmm? I'm gonna go meet some friends downtown. All right. When do you think you'll be home? Not late. I have my interview at City College in the morning. All right. Have fun. Yeah. Bye. Bye. I love you. Princefield, one of the country's largest and oldest investment banks is the latest institution to find its secrets splashed across the Internet. Company documents posted by cyber-hacker Channing McClaren, suggest that Princefield's Fund 23 reaped massive profits from a widespread program of insider trading. Government agencies have already called for a full investigation. Insider trading? How did this happen? I don't know. But it fucking happened. Channing McClaren got a hold of all of our records. Did you have anything to do with this? Of course not. Well, it seems like everything came out of your goddamn computer. That's not possible. I don't know what you fucking did, Naomi, but we're all dead. You, me, every trader on this floor. I suppose I should feel insulted. What are you talking about? "Personal e-mails reveal trader's sex-capades." Apparently, you threw a hump to every Wall Street executive but me. In an unusual turn for Mr. McClaren's organization, however, the leak also contained graphic and sexually explicit content belonging to a Naomi Walling, a Princefield employee. Hundreds of personal e-mail messages containing intimate details appear to romantically link Ms. Walling to several high-level Wall Street executives. The inclusion of this personal content calls into question Mr. Behind your back! Lock your thumbs. - Fuck off! - Get dressed. - Don't fuckin' move! - Go! Fuck off! You gotta be kidding. Fucking hell, Annie. The supplier wasn't coming. We waited. So you ditch me at the bar? She wanted to arrest him in the bar for possession. Well, then at least we'd hold him. You gonna explain to the judge why you were half naked with a rail of coke up your nose? Who cares about the asshole from Thunder Bay? We wanted the supplier. - You got a name? - Rainmaker Jed. He just got out of Millhaven. He's from the Rez. He's small time. Well, maybe he's moving up. Way to make use of your tits. Okay... Can you come pick me up? Please? ♪ Diamonds in the firmament ♪ ♪ All reserves completely spent ♪ ♪ Someone set up the oxygen tent ♪ ♪ Everybody here's real proud to present ♪ ♪ Choked out ♪ ♪ 200 dollar take-all purse ♪ ♪ Half-nelson to suplex reverse ♪ ♪ Worried look on the face of the ringside nurse ♪ ♪ At one, for once with the universe ♪ ♪ Choked out ♪ ♪ Choked out ♪ ♪ Choked out ♪ ♪ Choked out ♪ _ It's a good day to be alive Bellevue. And congratulations go to, Daisy Ryder, for her contest winning slogan... "Bellevue: Where the Sun Always Rises." As a town we've taken hits, but Daisy reminds: out of the dark moments, the sun will always shine again. That's not what I meant. Sarcasm. Like... it stops raining, eventually. Like the best thing that happens here is just a regular occurrence anywhere else. I told you, you shoulda run for mayor. Don't go to school today, Daisy. He's out there again. These taste like glue. Don't eat them then. I liked you better when you were a sweet little kid. I love you. Detective Ryder. Times are changing in our town. Mayor Mansfield, or Mother, as you're locally known. What's with this Bellevue 'facelift' as you would call it? The mine's closed. We're in transition. The new brewery will be a vital part of the new Bellevue. If the brewery does set up here, is it true that the miners get all the jobs, and no one has a fair shot? Everyone will get a fair shot. Bellevue's just that kind of town. Sounds good. After some weather, we'll be right back. Your boss tell you to come see me? Yeah. I figured you wanted to ream me out about not mowing my lawn. I heard about your motel antics the other night. You got initiative. Whatever we been doing to get these pills and lowlifes out of our town isn't working. So, you go with your gut and I'll watch your back. Yeah? Does it come with a raise? Is your hair supposed to look like that? - Yeah... pretty much. - No, no, no. I like it. Detective Ryder... What makes a town? For my retrospective I picked Sandy Driver. Born in 1980. A Gemini. Died a murder victim. 1994. 14-years-old. A good cop died investigating that murder. I'd know. He was my grandpa. Today is the anniversary of his death. Sandy was killed because people thought she was weird, crazy, half animal... Some believe her ghost possesses people. Sandy, the girl who was supposed to be married in the Christmas Pageant, was found posed as the Virgin Mary. Strangled. I know what you want You can't go out there! I've seen them! I've seen all of them! I know where they are. I know! Everyone knows it! And I know who you are! Sandy's dad never recovered. And the thing that they do to them. There's all things in there... Everybody is in there! Everybody! Mr. Driver, you wanna put down that stick? Everyone knows it. They're going over there. Their all lined up. Hey. That's some good upper body strength you've got there. Annie. Remember me? Looks like you're off your meds again. I don't know those people. I don't know them. They're robots. They're robots. Robots! Scram! Yeah, scram! Scram! You're human. Thanks. You too. We were sad at the same time. That's how I know. We're the same. Mind if I sit with you 'til our friends from the hospital get here? Driver okay? Yeah. They picked him up. Good. Meet me at the scrap yard. There is a missing kid. ETA about the extra officers. About 25 minutes. His mother called in, reporting him missing at 6 A.M. Okay, let's spread out and see what else we find. Everything in Bellevue changed after Sandy's shocking gruesome murder. Police started talking to everyone and the town stopped trusting each other. Because the killer knew intimate details of the geography of our town, cops say he was local. One of us. Evil that was alive that night appeared to vanish into the air. Never to return. Jesus. You smell flammable. Isn't that like against your religion or some shit? Five minutes in confession, I'm as good as new. All right. Listen up. Scene was found by Ricky Jordan who runs a scrap yard when he's not face down in his own vomit. Ah, we found a jean jacket, a cell and a bike. All confirmed by Maggie Sweetland to belong to her 16-year-old son, Jesse. Now, if you don't know who he is, you're living under a rock. He's our most ridiculously talented hockey player. And he's into the make-up and the... Yes. Rumor has it he's... contemplating his gender identity. Openly? I wouldn't say openly, Virginia. But a kid came to his house selling chocolate bars and walked in on him in his mom's dress. And then people found out about it. We also found a tooth. Ah shit. They got a game Friday. What? The kid probably took off. He's into weird shit. He probably went looking for other people that were into it too. Ineloquently put, but yeah. Okay, you all have your searching orders. Let's go. What about the porn? We found ripped magazine pieces. Blood on one. Yeah, well, we don't know those are connected. There's garbage everywhere, right? The other garbage was old. This looked new. We'll do blood tests. But there's no point in speculating until we know for sure. - Take the tooth to your cousin. - Yeah. Dr. Allan, the dentist. I know you guys like to keep things in the family but... Hockey. Jesse had his teeth smashed out last year in this crazy game against Oaktown. If this is a crown, my cuz can ID it, if it's his work. Five minutes to the dentist office versus four hours to the lab. Nice. Let's do it. Remember, keep it in perspective, right. Hockey players fight. Teenagers run away. They don't disappear. Why go to the scrap yard in the middle of the night? It's not a hangout. Brady knows a lot of kids being as he's on the same intellectual level as them, so we'll see what he can get. Jesse's mom's still a mess. Keep at her. So how was your chat with the mayor? She just wants to keep her friends close and those she can't brainwash closer. Well, she's good for the town, but you make sure you stay on the right side of her. Nice Intel on Rainmaker Jed, by the way. It looks good. Can you get him on anything? Not yet. How is it with Virginia? She has people skills of a cardboard box. Well, not everyone has your sparkling personality. She's methodical. They loved her in Sudbury. Peter Welland. Hang on a second. Get out. We got a pedophile. Some guy called. Anonymous. Said that a sex offender just moved up by the Rez. Been hanging out at the Rattlesnake. Got it. Can I get one of those? I got something on that belongs to you, lady? Did you do that? I like it. You must be messed up then. I'd totally get a tattoo of that. Does that make me messed up? How's that ATM treating you, Officer? You are here as a customer, right? They may put up with you on your off days, but there's a code. I'd watch out. You don't know if one of these depraved assholes owes me a favor. I know your dirty little secret? Still luring children into vans? Why? Know any kids who need a ride? Where were you last night? Midnight bingo... on the Rez. Big winner. Where'd you get the busted knuckles? It gets a little competitive... Annie. How do you know my name? Says he can help with the missing kid. Hey! Hey! Annie, your dad is gone. It'll be okay. He'll still watch you grow. He'll just do it from Heaven. "A cowboy rides into town on Friday. "Stays for three days and leaves on Friday. "How did he do it? "Love, Dad. "PS. I need something to remember you by. "Alfie?" "His horse was named Friday." "When someone else ate, "you became full of me. "What am I?" What did she eat? What does it mean? If I don't figure it out Daddy will never come back! Stop reading that! It's not from your dad! You have to stop! Stop, Annie. Stop! Stop it, Annie! You're scaring me. "Find me where there is none." "You are my light. "Love, Dad." Pedophile had an alibi. You talk to him? The Tribal police has him on security footage at late night bingo. Also, ah... Dr. Allan says the tooth was Jesse's. Shit. Remember those riddles that I got when I was young? Of course I do. That messed you up really bad. Why? Did you ever get a lead on who sent them you never told me about? It was just some lying sicko using a tragedy to prey on you. And it wasn't your dead dad writing beyond the grave, either. - Where's this coming from? - Nowhere. Do I need to be worried about you, Annie? I mean, last night you're... you're high with a drug dealer in a motel. I mean, I got a missing kid. I need you focused. I am. My mind was just wandering. I guess it's the time of year. Yeah I know. The anniversary. I was gonna say something this morning, but with everything... 20 fucking years without him. Doesn't fell like it. Does it? Am I like him? As a cop? Well, you're intuitive like him. And you're emotional like him. You're tough like me. Are we gonna find Jesse? Yeah. But you should get some sleep. We both know you look like a crack addict - if you don't get your 8 hours. - Not true. Annie. I've seriously seen people try to sell you crack after a late one, okay. Good night. She's in the closet again, Dad. I'm trying to cut down, remember. I'm just... No. I'm just saying that... herpes is permanent. It's way more binding than marriage. And if we had it we might still live together. You keep trying to sell me on the herpes thing, I'm gonna think you have it. I thought you were getting off those? My back's been acting up again. You getting any work from Mark? There's just no work. Maybe the brewery. You have to make things, that's what you love. There's a guy I know, uh, makes custom furniture. He's wants to branch out. Hey, why not? You, you already have those skills. I got those skills like I built Daisy a shitty dollhouse. It was a prefect dollhouse, and I can tell you want to do it. Yeah, I kinda do. Thanks for coming and getting me last night. Why you gotta be so crazy at work? Maybe it's all I've got going for me. Do you wanna kiss my face? Too late. Offer rescinded. What's this? "When somebody else ate, you became full of me. "What am I?" It's original sin. I got that when I learned about Eve and the apple. Could never figure out the rest. "Find me where there is none? "Where is there no original sin?" With you. You're perfect. How can you not love that guy? He's the one who left. He'd come back if you told him to. Hmm. Probably wouldn't be a good idea for him. Probably not. I was only two years older than you when I met him. Oh my God! You're about to go through so much shit. Are you prepared? What if a guy wants to stick his hand up your shirt? Five bucks please. Don't have sex. But then you won't have any grandkids unless I immaculately conceive them. That's not actually what it means. People think immaculate conception is Mary getting pregnant without having sex. But it's not. It's that she herself was conceived without original sin. That's where there is none! With Mary and... her immaculate conception. Um... can you stay with your dad? _ Nature calling. Nature calling. Nature calling. Jesus calling. Jesus calling. Jesus calling. - Jesus... - Who is this? Nature calling. Jesus calling. - Nature calling. - Jesus calling. - Nature calling. - Jesus calling. Nature calling. Hey! Hey, you can't do this! - Who gave you the note? - I didn't see him. I was here, in a stall. He gave me 50 bucks! What did he say about Jesse? That he could help. That's it! If you're lying, I'll fucking drown you. Get out! Crime stoppers. It's a teen hangout. I partied here back in the day. We did Sandy Driver séances. Kids hear Jesse's missing. Um, crazy Driver hangs out here too. We should take it seriously. Hey. Someone called in a tip. Anonymous. Thought it might be relevant to Jesse. And then we see this. And also this. - Can you take a picture? - Yeah. There's another one over here. See. _ - It's Jesse. - It took work. Paint's still fresh. It's a message. Religious figure beckoning... towards the side that's male. Could be the person who put it here... did something to Jesse. Saw something. Okay. Process it. And get it out of here. It's from the Nativity scene. Trans... versus religion? Jesse religious? Maybe caught in the middle. You're here about...? Jesse Sweetland. - You know him? - A little. I'm quite the hockey fan. He religious? Ever come to church? You sure? You don't get the sense that he's religious in any way? Maybe torn between God and his nature. Oh, for Pete's sake. He's a boy from a troubled home. If he wears a dress, it's a cry for help. But not the church's help? I'm just trying to get the whole picture. You have a problem with religion. I don't have a problem with the church. Heh. You threw a rock through that window my first year as priest here. I was thirteen. I thought you were supposed to call out everything you thought was full of shit. And now? I'm less brave. If you'll excuse me, I'm meeting up with a search party. Hey. You find Jesse yet? We're doing everything we can. You noticed anything off about him lately? Saw him toss his make-up and that in the trash a week ago. His mother confide in you about his experimentation? I saw him buy an eye shadow kit. Sure wasn't for Maggie. Cost twenty bucks and he tossed it. Stopped wearing Maggie's dresses too. He got so many trophies we thought we'd had to buy a bigger house. Things been tough since Jesse's dad was killed? He left us enough gambling debt we won't see a dime in benefits. How did Jesse take his father's death? Like a kid whose dad died. Any behavioral changes? You mean did he start drinking, thinking about killing himself, knocking out his own tooth? 'Cause I live in a cheap house, right? He musta been on drugs? Maggie, did he take up with the church in any way? Religion wasn't our thing. Could have come to it on his own? When you're lost you look for things. Not everyone turns to booze and sex. Sober five years before my husband died. I'm 28 and my daughter's 12. So... some of us turn to booze and sex. Shit. He had ah, I noticed last couple of days... this, ah, burn. Like a T or a cross, maybe. What did he say about it? You didn't ask about it? He did a lot I didn't ask about. Cali next door said that he stopped with the feminine thing about a week ago. What happened there? I don't know anything else to help. See, I'm feeling like you do and I'm racking my brain. But I can't imagine why a mother would hold back when her kid was missing. That's a heap of judgment coming from someone whose husband pops up around these parts looking for ways to relieve his pain. You can see yourselves out. It's not gonna work every time. You're going to meet people who can see through you. - Who you can't charm. - Is that you? You've only been here four months. Jesse burned a cross into his palm. Recently. And he stopped wearing dresses before he went missing. Where's you get that? Maggie. I think it's relevant. - Yeah. Put it on the wall. - The what? Virginia? Make sense now, why I hired the cardboard box, smart ass? Anything from the religious figures? Ah, tons of prints. But they've been there for years. Pissed on. You name it. Phones? No, they're clean. Nothing from the numbers. If he's religious, if that's what the cross is for... could be motive for whatever happened. Religious freaks might not like sharing their God with a trans kid. Is that what Father J. told you? He couldn't even decide if he knew him or not. He was jumpy. He was wanting to put distance between Jesse and the church. Yeah. Thanks. All right, so what does porn and religion have to do with each other? Because the blood is Jesse's. Maybe the cross isn't religion. Is it an X? Cross dressing? What if it's not porn? What if it's female body parts? As in... how Jesse felt inside. What's with the Shepherd boy? Chief Welland, line 1. I'll be right back. You okay? Just bringing back bad memories. Just having another look. Ow! I wanna thank you all for coming out tonight and showing your support. We will find Jesse and bring him home. And Friday night, when the season starts, we will crush those Hornets! I hate that woman. I'm sorry I pushed. It's your kid. He took a lot of shit, but I never said anything about it. Because I wanted him, I wanted things to be easy for him. Play hockey, live in a nice house. But that night he asked how I felt about it, about him feeling like a girl and it all changed. I said if you're happy, I'm happy. So it's all my fault, whatever happens. I'd quit drinking if he came back. Me too. I'll bring him back. Thank you again for coming everyone! Remember we are a strong community. - Where's your dad? - When you go home, pray for Jesse tonight. I gotta go. I'm gonna help clear up. Remember Briana. Brady's sister. Daisy can help too. I'll take Daisy. I think your dad has a crush. He'll only ditch her when we need him to fix something. Daisy, I got a call from Mr. Terry. Sandy Driver? He said he thought you had a fixation. You never talk about it so I had to find out for myself. It's part of my life too, you know. The last thing she saw was a monster. Then I was a kid that knew there were monsters. It changes how you grow. I didn't want you to have to know that. And Grandpa. It broke him. He couldn't figure out who did it. He caught a bad one and it killed him. What if Jesse is a bad one? Driver's out again, Ryder. We're all busy. Besides, you know you're the only one he likes. Jesus, again? Like Sandy's dad? He's off his meds. All right. Where is he? - Old church. - Are you serious? Mr. Driver! Oh Jesus. Mr. Driver, are you hurt? Mr. Driver? Annie? - It's paint. - What's that? Annie? Hello? What if I've been looking at this from the wrong angle. It's not that he's religious, wanted religion that... religion wouldn't let him be. Like he was bound. He couldn't escape. Well then, what's the cross in the scenario? Maybe branding? The fence is electric. It's not a cross. It's an imprint of the fence. You'd have to hold his hand there for a long time. Or somebody else held it there. - Be a hell of a shock. - It's a thing. Electric shocking the gay out. Maybe they do it for trans too. The porn is female body parts, right? What Jesse wanted. It's a, it's a freaky religious thing. Ah, showing images, things you want that you shouldn't. - Then putting you through pain. - Conversion therapy. We should check the fence for DNA. Annie? You there? Mom? Daisy! Daisy! It's Mom! Open up. It's Mom. - Who was he? ! - Who? - The man! - There's no one here, baby. Then who wrote that? _ This is Annie Ryder, is this the psych ward? Did anyone call the station about Mr. Driver? I want to go! Now! I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Can you take me to Dad's? We also... the meaning of any title hiding in the hundred and forth Cadet Corps are low. We've got multiple Titans incoming from the south! Wall Rose has been compromised! Suspected by some of unknowingly harboring the enemy among their ranks, the hundred and fourth Cadet Corps was kept isolated. With the sudden emergence of a Titan swarm, couriers were dispatched to alert surrounding districts. As you have guessed, today marks the darkest hour in humanity's history! Don't lose heart. If ever we needed to give our all, that time is now! Look sharp! However... No! They're coming at us full tilt! Their origins and how they got here remain a mystery. Mankind is still in the dark. Ah, an exceptionally clever idea, I must say. ♪♪ Opening Song... ♪♪ *ATTACK ON TITAN* Season 02 Episode 02 "I'm Home" ♪♪ Commander Pyxis! Titans have been spotted, sir! We think Wall Rose has been breached! Great. Somebody explain to me what this means. I don't know. But they're Titans, right? Would they break a wall with Titans in it? Wouldn't be the first time. It's how they got into Shiganshina. That was a gate. Armin. What exactly are you getting at? Fall in! The walls are different. There are no signs of stress, no cracks, no crevices between the rocks. We can't even really tell how they were constructed. Suppose they're built with the same stuff Annie's trapped herself in? Must be versatile material, and we know it's virtually indestructible. So the walls are made of Titans? Section Commander! Why are you taking so long? Please! They're leaving in five minutes with or without us! You've got to wrap it up! Hold your horses, I just need another moment. Hange. Get moving. Uh, right! Sorry! And our guest? He's been ready to go for a while. Eren, you'll get cold. Wear it tight. Sorry to keep you waiting. Took longer to prepare than I thought. He's, uh. He's a priest from the Order of the Walls. I know! Ol' Nick and me are thick as thieves! It's fine. Makes about as much sense for him to be here as the rest of us, don't'cha think? We're random. No, on the contrary. Erwin's thrown us together for a reason. Open the gate! The status of Wall Rose in unclear, but everything up to Ehrmich is safe. That's the route we'll be taking. Let's move out! Yes, sir! You heard 'im. Sir! This whole time, Titans have been protecting us from other Titans. Wait, wait! Back up! You're joking, right? This guy knew? He knew and he kept quiet? Uh-huh. Afraid so. Just about sums up where we are with him. Cat's out of the bag now, of course. He's not willing to talk yet, but we'll see how he feels after a harsh dose of reality. Faith keeps him quiet. Firsthand experience, though? To hell with that! No! We're doing this backwards! If this son of bitch knows something he needs to come out with it! Humanity's on the brink of extinction and all you care about is keeping your oath? Hey. Take it easy. You're still not fully recovered. There's more than one way to get at the truth. Granted I may not be in top form at the moment, but it doesn't take much strength to squeeze a trigger. That said. I'm genuinely hoping I won't have to blow a hole in you to settle this. How about you? Threatening him doesn't work, Levi. Trust me on that. Agree with him or not, there's no denying our priest here is a man of principle. Which of course leads me to wonder: if he's so unwilling to talk, what in heaven's name do you imagine he's putting above the fate of humanity? Up ahead, you see? That's the village! Where you're from? No, but it's close. My people live the forest. It's okay. Go on. All right. Find your home and raise the alarm. Yes, sir! Good lord! Again with this? Sasha! You can't always be stuffing' your face! Give it here! Spit it out! We're smokin' that for the winter! Oh, for cryin' out loud! You little... Show some restraint! Fine. Eat your fill. Hm! Idiot kid. Sasha. Look around ya. Ever wonder how things got to be the way they are? Why the forest is disappearing? Why game's so hard to come by these days? Or doesn't it concern you? Sure it does. People are comin' in here and helping themselves to what used to be ours. It's why I'm hungry all the time. Yeah, that's true. On the face of it. But where else you expect folks to go when they lose their homes? They've got a right to live, don't they? It's their fault for losin' their homes. Not like that gives 'em the right to steal. They lost their homes 'cause of Titans. Monsters punched a hole clean through Wall Maria. Where else were people gonna go? Wasn't their choice. They had to survive somehow, so they cleared the forest and used it for farmland. Maybe it's time for us to let go. Surrender the old ways. We're not gonna starve. Government's willing to pay us, y'know. We'll make money raising horses. What? If we turn our back on hunting, we turn our back on who we are! Why should I care about what happens to the people who've always looked down as us like we were a bunch of savages? I'll tell you why. We're in this together. The world belongs to each and every one of us. We're human. Humans are social animals. It's all fine and good to move to the beat of your own drum, but when land is scarce, you've got to fall in step with the herd. Think about the greater good. No! I won't do it! We've lived here all our lives the way our ancestors taught us to. I'm not gonna change! Screw the "greater good"! What about us? Right, then. If that's how you really feel. Eke out a living in these woods. Live by the old ways, like the others. But I'll tell you something, you'd best be willing to die by the old ways, too. 'Cause make no mistake, Sasha, trouble is coming sooner or later. And when it does, there'll be no begging for help from the people you've turned your back on. If it means the difference between being a part of something larger than myself and scraping by on my own, I say screw tradition. It's time to move on. What about you? Are you brave enough to take that step with me? Trade the wilderness of your ancestors for a share in civilization? Or is our fellow man just not worth the hassle? How long has it been? Three years? Surely he'd have had the sense to pick up and leave by now. Impossible! All the way out here? Can they really have gotten this far? That's does it. This place isn't safe anymore. Whoa. When did that get built? ♪♪ Music plays, volume increases... ♪♪ Shit! If I don't cut it off, it'll just keep healing! Oh no. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. You got a name, sweetie? I know you're scared, but it'll be okay. What will? Uh. Well, um, actually, I, uh... Uh, easy now, easy. Right, so. The thing is, I'm going to take you... You do this now? Really? Ugh! Wait for us! Okay. No need to worry, understand? He'll be right back, I promise. How come you're talking so nice to me? Huh? We need to run! It's gonna be okay! No it won't. Everyone's already gone. The whole village. Even though Mama's legs were bad. They knew, and none of them came to help her. All I could do was watch. Don't look back! Just keep running! It's gonna be okay. You're startin' to piss me off. Huh? Why you gotta be so friggin' polite all the time? What, you above talking like one of us plebes? Well, actually. No, not at all. Oh yeah? So why don't'cha, then? Scared we'll hear where you're from if you let your guard down? That's it, isn't it? Oh, wow. Kinda blows my mind. Why do you even care? I mean, it's like a wild boar getting all bent outta shape 'cause someone's bad-mouthing him behind his back. Be honest: the military's your last hope of being respectable. Your folks're probably first cousins... Ymir, stop it! You're being mean! Whatever! Hey, you gonna pretend to be someone you're not for the rest of your damn life, or you gonna be Sasha? Take it from me, honey: acting like you think people want you to act is a crock of shit. Don't censor yourself! Um. Thank you very much? I appreciate the advice. Really? Sorry, I-I'm not really sure what to say. Leave her alone! It's her life! If she wants to talk politely to people, why do you care? Sasha is who she chooses to be. It's called reinventing yourself. Whatever she says, it's still her. Heh. Well, aren't we philosophical. I say however she tries to sound on the outside, the inside Sasha'll always be a pain in the ass. Knock it off! Would it kill you to show some compassion every now and again? E-Excuse me? I'm just bein' real! Compassion. Hey! What are you laughing at? Uh. Nothing! Sorry! Really? Why is that coming back now? Of all the stupid things for me to dwell on. Still, it's the only thing I can think about. All right, listen. You're gonna be fine. Just keep following the path we're on. Run as far away as you can. There'll be someone willing to help. I promise. It may take you a little while to find them. But keep on! You'll bump into them eventually! Now go. Get out of here! Don't give up hope! If I can take out the eyes, it should buy us enough time. Eeh! Damn it. Only two left! Relax. It's nothing. Just a big... slow-moving... target! Bull's eye! Last arrow. If I miss, that'll be it. End of story. Period. I'll be... She'll be... I slipped out because of the blood. Now to find the girl! Is that Sasha? We've been doing what we can. Giving horses to folks who need 'em. That little girl told us there was someone back behind her on the road. Said they helped. Saved her, 'n fact. Apparently fought off a Titan single-handed. Mm. Nicely done. I'm proud of ya. Thanks, Dad. It's good to be home. Conny, slow down! Get ahold of yourself! There could be Titans around every corner! Wait for us! This isn't real. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Somebody! Please! It's Conny! I came home! Find my house! Dad. Mom. Sunny and Martin! Please just be okay. What are you doing? Get back! But it, it's my house. I... Conny. Cadets, fall back! I'll scout out the area! What the hell? This is new. Can it move? Not with those legs. But... then... I don't understand. How did it even get here? ♪♪ Closing Song... ♪♪ There are likely no Titans among the 104th Cadet Corps recruits! Multiple Titans from the south! Wall Rose has been breached! The 104th Cadet Corps were kept isolated under suspicion of Titans within their ranks. But with the sudden appearance of Titans, couriers were dispatched to warn each district. As you may know, today marks the new darkest day in humanity's history! If ever humankind needed to give its all, that time is now! However... What? ! They all started sprinting! The cause of this crisis remains in the dark. For now, no one yet knows. I must say, what a clever idea. "I'm Home" "Trost District" Commander Pyxis! Titans have been spotted! Wall Rose has been breached! Hmm. "Stohess District" What the hell does all this mean? Damn it! But... Would Titans break walls with Titans in them? It's happened before. They busted the wall into our city. That was a gate. Armin? What are you saying? The thing about the walls... There's no crevices between the rocks or any signs of cracking. We can't really tell how they're made. So what if they're made of hardened Titan skin? It must be pretty versatile if Annie can encase herself. Titans... in the wall... Section Commander! What are you doing? We're supposed to leave in 5 minutes! Please hurry up! There's something I need to confirm... Hey. Get moving. Ah, sorry! What about him? He's been ready for a while now. Eren. Wear it right. It's cold at night. Sorry to keep ya! Took longer to prepare than we thought. Um... Isn't this a priest from the Order of the Walls? Yeah. Nick and I are best buddies. Right? Don't let him bother you. The whole makeup of this squad doesn't make any sense. Does it, Levi? No, I think it might. Erwin picked them out for a reason. Open the gate! The situation within Wall Rose is unclear. But everything up until Ehrmich is safe. We'll save time going through there. Move out! Yes, sir! Take us out. Yes, sir! This whole time, Titans have been protecting us from Titans. Huh? He knew? There's Titans inside the walls and he's known about it? ! Yes, though he's kept his mouth shut this entire time. But now he's coming with us to witness the harsh reality. Will his beliefs be strong enough for him to stay silent? Or will seeing it with his own eyes make him question himself? No, no, no, no! This is all backwards! If there's something you know, tell us about it! Nothing's more important than keeping humans from going extinct! Eren, settle down. You're still not fully healed. There's more than one way to get answers. I may be injured and useless right now, but it doesn't take much to watch one man. I'm hoping we can settle this without blasting a hole in anyone. Aren't you? Threatening him doesn't work, Levi. Believe me, I've tried. It seems to me that this priest is capable of sound judgment. That's why I wonder... What if the reason he doesn't talk is because he knows something more important than the fate of humanity? See that? It's the village! Is that the last one? No! My village is deep in the forest! I'll go there alone! All right! Leave this village to me! Got it! Hey! Quit it, Sasha! Sasha! You been nabbing snacks again? ! Stop! Spit it out! Get it out of yer mouth! We fixing' to smoke that for winter, ya moron! You damn dumb girl! Fine! Have it yer way. Dagnabbit. Sasha. Have you asked yerself why the world is a-changing? Why these past few years the forest be shrinking' and game harder to find? Have you ever thunk about it? It's 'cause more people be comin' and taking food and game from the forest. That's why I'm hungry. That's true. But, hey... They lost their homes and got no place to go. They got no other choice. Their fault for losing it. They oughta leave ours. Titans took it from 'em. They knocked a hole straight through Wall Maria. Where else can they go? You can feed a hell of a lot more people by clearing' the forest and planting' grain. Maybe it's time for our family to let go of the forest and give up hunting' for good. The government said they would pay us. Every horse that we raise is money in our pockets. You gotta be kidding! If we give up hunting', we be givin' up who we are! Why should we give a hoot about the people who make fun of our lifestyle? I'll tell ya why. It's because... we're all part of the same world. We humans... We've always been pack animals. Sure, we all live our different ways. But when space is this short, we gotta join the group and do what's best to... No! I refuse! We've lived here all our lives, just like the way our ancestors taught us! We don't owe nothing to any outsiders! I see... So be it. Ya can live here in this forest, along with the others who think the same. But, Sasha... Are ya willing' to die for that choice? No matter what trouble comes yer way, ya can't go begging' for help. If you're not there for them, don't expect them to be there for you. I'm willin' to give up our traditions if it means I can live with my family. Goes to show ya our world's connected, whether you like it or not. Sasha. Are you that much of a scaredy-cat? Is it that hard for you to leave this forest behind and get along with others? It's been 3 years since I've been back. Surely he realized something was amiss and fled... It can't be! Way out here? They've already come this far? ! This place isn't safe for people anymore. What's that? A new village? Damn! If I don't slice it off, it'll just heal back up! A child? I'm so sorry... What's your name? Don't worry. It'll be okay. What will? Huh? What? I mean... Um... Steady... Steady... Um, you see... Huh? You're kidding me! Hey! Please wait for us! There's no need to worry. Please stay calm. It'll come right back. Why are you so nice when you talk? What? Run away from here! It'll be okay! Why? Everyone already left. The whole village knew my mother's legs were bad. But not a single person came to help. All I could do was watch. It'll be okay! It's okay. You're really starting to tick me off. What? That stupid way you talk politely to everyone. Why don't you talk to other cadets like normal? Um... Well, you see... Wait. Let me guess. You're embarrassed by the way people sound from your village. Bull's-eye? I'm surprised an idiot like you cares so much. You can't do anything but hunt, and you're afraid of people, to top it off. I bet you don't have a single good reason for aiming to become a soldier. Your parents probably... Stop it, Ymir! You're being... Sasha! You gonna care what other people think and be someone you're not your whole life? What a crock of shit. You're fine as is, so talk in your own words for crying out loud. Th-Thank you very much. What? I'm... sorry. I'm not... yet... Cut it out! There's nothing wrong with the way she talks! Sasha is who Sasha wants to be. Her words will always be her own. And I happen to like her. Hmph! Have it your way. Still, even if she changed the way she talks, it won't change the fact that she's annoying. You know, not everyone is as insensitive as you. Excuse me? You little... You little... Hey! What are you laughing at? ! Ah! I'm sorry! Why do I remember, now of all times about silly, pointless days in the past? It's all... I can think of. Hey, listen up. You'll be fine. Keep following this path. Run as far as you can. I promise someone will be there to help you. You might not find them right away... But still, keep running until you do! Now, go! Run! Get running'! If I take out both eyes, it'll buy us plenty of time. Only... two left. Relax... All it is... is a big slow moving target! Got it! One more arrow. But, if I miss this we can't escape. If I miss, me and that girl... I slipped out thanks to that blood. Now I've gotta find that girl! Huh? Sasha? We been givin' horses to everyone in the area. That girl told us someone was still back there. Who'da thunk it was you? You fought off a Titan for that girl, didn't ya? Sasha... Yer all I hoped for. Father... I'm home. Conny, wait! Calm down! There could be Titans anywhere! Get back here, Conny! This can't be... Anyone? ! Is anyone there? ! It's me! Conny! I came back! My house! Dad... Mom... Sunny... Martin! Please be okay! Conny! Get back! It's... my house. My... Conny... Fall back, you two! I'll scout the area! Wait, it's... It can't move? Not with those legs... Th-Then... How? How did it even get here? ! "I'm sure my family is safe and sound." Shaking off the dread of Titans appearing in his hometown, Conny once again departs. Battle erupts across the land while the mystery of the Titans remains. As the plight worsens, Eren and the others heading for Ehrmich District receive a clue that might reveal the truth. Next episode: "Southwestward." Seven twenty-four, roger. Try to maintain 2,000. Settomaintain2,000. Seven-two-four. Cominginfinalfour, try to maintain 3,000. Three-thousand. You'relooking at Westchester County Airport inWhitePlains,New York. HillaryClinton coming home to vote. ThisisElectionDay . Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! How'sitfeel? I've been--this has been a long, tough slog and a hard campaign and a crazy campaign. It's four o'clock. There are all these people out here, you know, who have come to see her. I'm just so proud of her. I can't--I just can't tell you why, uh--how much that makes me feel like just being a small part of it is so important. What will it feel like tomorrow night if you lose? You know, I think, uh, in some ways, uh, it'll be just-- I-I don't know. It's sort of hard to even kind of contemplate that. I think there's a kind of profound responsibility and there'd be such a crushing, uh, sense of loss if somebody with his character was elected president of the United States, so... I don't think that's gonna happen. - Yeah. - Yeah. And I'm standing here tonight, and I really don't think that's gonna happen. A new series on Showtime seeks to capture the2016presidential election's jaw-dropping, head-scratching moments in real time andaimsto expose not just thenitty-gritty of how campaigns work butalsothepeople behind the candidates. ItiscalledThe Circus. Six up, TS, quick. We'llberightback. The star of The Circus. Yay! It's Charlie Rose! Are you an elephant or you--what are you? Ah! What'sgoingon ? You're going on. What'sgoingon ? You are. CableTV,youcan say anything you want, can't you? I said on TV the other night, I said, "I fucking hate that motherfucker." And it just went-- and everybody loved that shit. OnShowtime--youcan say anything on Showtime. We'regonnahave a lot of fun doing it. Imean,it 'sgonnakillus. Thisisgonnawork because you got McKinnon. That's the only friggin' reason it's gonna work. He's got that fucking-- where's the-- are you not wearing the hat tonight? Hey, Captain, how are ya? Areyougonnabeon his show and not in the hat? Iguess I have to wear the hat. Lookatthatscarf. Got to wear the hat, dude. Okay, yeah. - Sit down. Is Halperin joining us, or is he... Yeah, he had his BlackBerry fixed. Nice to see you, sir. Can see they're fixing Halperin's BlackBerry. Watch this. Here he comes. Howdy, sir. Oh, don't stand up. Good to see you. Of course I do. Canyoutelluswhat guest has been on this show more than any other guest? For a while, it was Halperin. What-what do you mean, "for a while"? Well, maybe it's still true. It may still be true. - It may still be true. - That's... Hey,guys, you ready back there? All right. here we go Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. Cue. The2016 presidential election could be remembered as one of the most bizarre andunpredictable in American history. Atthismoment, talk a bit about Trump. Ladiesandgentlemen... I am officially running for president of the United States. And we are going to make our country great again. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. - Yes! Yes! - Mark my words. WhenMexicosendsits people, they're not sending their best. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. How to take Donald Trump? Hmm, well, consider the newspapers this morning, at least the tabloids. The Daily News considers Trump a "clown." The New York Post considers, uh, Trump a rich guy who could make it to the White House? Igotto talk about Donald Trump. Howdoeshe impactthisrace ? Idon'tthink he does at all. Look,asidefrombeing incredibly entertaining, DonaldTrumplacks the seriousness of the kind of candidate that Republicans desperately need right now. Onceyouenter the world of politics, there'sa differentbar, different standard. Tosaythatthatmakes him serious is ridiculous. Weneversaid-- Theguywastalking about how Mexicans are rapists. Rapists? Peoplelosetheirjobs over words like those. DonaldTrumptouching off a political firestorm byinsultingJohnMcCain. He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell ya. Hats and T-shirts right here, y'all. Thelatestuproar was sparked aftermakingcomments about Megyn Kelly. But you can see there was blood comingoutof hereyes. Bloodcomingout of her wherever. Butmanypeople perceived that asa reference to Kelly's period. Honestly,I can'tevenbelieve I'mtalkingaboutthis on TV right now. Buttons, flags, T-shirts. Yougotto seethisguy. "Oh, I don't know what I said. Ah. I don't know..." Trump last night mocked New York Times reporter whosuffersfrom a physical handicap. Alotof themstillwant to treat him like a clown, likea realityshowguy . The bottom line is, he is the Republican front-runner. DonaldJ.Trump is calling for atotalandcompleteshutdown of Muslims entering the United States. Trump! Trump! Trump! Criticsargue Trump crossed a line. Others wonder whether, for him, a line even exists. Can you imagine Donald Trump standing up one day and delivering a State of the Union address? Well, I can imagine it in a Saturday Night skit. He's not gonna be president of the United States. Gomusic. Crank it now. Oh,thatis amazing. Wedon'twinanymore, you understand that. Everycountryin theworld isrippingus off. Everycountryin theworld. Welost millionsandmillionsofjobs tothesepeople. Fifty-fivethousandfactories and manufacturing plants-- 55,000! Whowouldthink that's even possible? They'll leave here and they'll move to Europe orthey'llmovetoAsia . It'sa realbadscene. And it's gonna continue if you put any of these other people-- It'snotgonnacontinue with me. Withme,it 'srealsimple. I'mgonnado what's right for you. - And you. Andwe'regonnabring those jobs back from China. IloveChina! Butwe'regonna bring them back from China. Andbytheway , we will build a wall. - We will build a wall! Wewillbuildawall . We'regoingto win at every single level. We'regonnawinsomuch , you're gonna beg me. You'regonnasay, "Mr. President, we'resotiredofwinning, we can't take it anymore. Please,don'twinanymore. Mr.President,please, have one or two losses." AndI 'llsay, "No, I won't do that." TheAmericandreamisdead , but we're going to make it bigger and better andstrongerthaneverbefore. And I love you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thankyou. Thank you. Hold on one second. Where's the volume on this? Whoo! Trump speaks the truth! Mr. Halperin, are you miked? Wehaven'treally seen anything like this in American politics in this millennium. Make America great again. This has got the flavor of - a music festival, right? - Yeah. They're fans as much they are voters, right? There's a movement psychology for sure. - Yeah. - They feel like they're part of something special and unique and they want to be there to experience it. DonaldTrump, love him or hate him, he said some things that people think are vile and offensive. Whatever you think about Trump, though, ideologically, he'ssuchabig figure. There'sa lot of charisma there. There'sa lotof just confidence. Iunderstandwhythatguy's a front-runner. Yougotthishuge Republican field. Yougotchaos in the establishment. Mismanaged going into Iraq. Dr. Carson, is the Middle East-- We mismanaged going out. - Dr. Carson. - The question of - whether we can... - Hold on, hold on. - The problem with defeat... - Senator. Senator. We're gonna get to you. Hope at some point, you're gonna ask me my strategy - for defeating ISIS. - We will get--we-- we have a lot of time. Donald is great at the, uh, one-liners. But he's a chaos candidate. - And he'd be a chaos president. We need toughness. Honestly, I think Jeb is a very nice person. You said in September 30th that ISIS was not a, uh... - Am I talking... - ...not a factor. - ...or are you talking, Jeb? - I'm talking right now. - You can go back. - I'm talking right now. - You can go back. - I'm talking. You're not talking. You interrupted me, Jeb. - September 30th, you said it. - Are you gonna apologize, Jeb? No. Am I allowed to finish? There'snoestablishmentfront-runner. And there's no sign that that's gonna change in any way. Brilliant. Prompter, thank you. That was fantastic. - As you wish. - Okay, we need to run through the-the C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J pages. Oh, my God. Jesus. Our brand-new Bloomberg Politics Des Moines Register Iowa Poll is out today, shows Ted Cruz and Donald Trump leading the pack in the Hawkeye State. They are basically tied. We know there are deep cleavages in the party. And that's why the party is in so much trouble. - This foreshadows-- - Deep and passionate. This foreshadows the fight we will see if Donald Trump wins some combination of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, three of three or two of three. We will see a titanic fight within the party unlike I can recall seeing in my career. - It's time forIowaChristians to honor God by attending your Iowa caucus on February 1st. If you are currently in anearlyprimary or a caucus state, youcertainlydon'tneed the likes of me to tell you thatwe'rein theheat of election season. -Thisis crunchtime sothecandidates are all out there, trying to get their messages to the public. - Two weeks ago just about every candidate in the field was attacking Donald Trump. Now just about every candidate in the Republican field is attacking me. I-I guess something has changed. You know, Ted Cruz, you know, the Canadian, he'slikeanervouswreck. He is dropping like a rock in the ratings. We're number one in every poll. It'salmostembarrassing, but let's keep it that way. - Let's keep it that way. Allofmy people and all of the experts say, "Mr.Trump,don'tsay you want to win. Justsayyouwanttodo well. Becausethatway, you can't lose." Ican'tdo that. I want to win, Iowa. Sothequestionfor him, above all others, is, can you turn these big crowds into big turnouts andintosupport at the ballot box? It'sa verygoodnight for Ted Cruz. HehaswoninIowa , defeating Donald Trump. We want Ted! We want Ted! We want Ted! Tonight Iowa has sent notice thattheRepublicannominee andthenextpresident of the United States willnotbe chosen bytheWashington establishment. ToGodbe theglory. You ready? Just-- - Here, hold on, let's flip. - Okay, yup. Good? Close that door so-- yeah, so we don't get... Just-just walk me through your day. You woke up and how'd you feel about what's gonna happen? You know, last night, as you were watching the TV news, every pundit on every station was saying, "Cruz can't win. Cruz can't win. There's no way Cruz can win. Trump's gonna win." I heard it on every station from every political pundit. And yet what happened today is, the grassroots proved them wrong. Congratulations. Off to New Hampshire. Ah, indeed. ButDonaldTrump, who many, many people predicted wasgoingto win at the Iowa caucuses... It looks like a lot of people did switch their vote, uh,peoplewhowere supporting, uh, Donald Trump. Thank you. So Iowa ends and it's seven days of hell in New Hampshire. The stakes are higher than they are in Iowa. You have a chance to come back. If you don't do well in Iowa, you can come back in New Hampshire. If you don't come back in New Hampshire after failing in Iowa, you're done, generally. - Mr. Trump? - Yes? Uh,I thinkthat we did really well. Imean,Iendedup coming in second. Uh,didn'tdevote tremendous time to it. Didn'tdevote tremendous money to it. Yeah, Tom? Mr. Trump... No, I don't think I feel any pressure. Mark. Goahead. Would you be comfortable, as you seem to be finishing second in Iowa, finishing second here? I'dloveto finishfirst. Uh,youknow,again, it would still not be horriblebecause you're competing against alotof verytalentedpeople thathavebeenpoliticians all their lives. I'vebeenapolitician for six months. Okay. Normallywhen Trump goes after the press, he'dbevicious. He'dsay"Youpeople are morons, you're idiots." And, you know, I think his tone was a little different, alittlebitmoresubdued. Okay. Thank you, everybody. Themedia, the worst people ever! Theworst. Wefinishednumbertwo . Theheadlineswere, "Trump Comes in Second. He'sHumiliated!" Some are smart, but some of these guys are dumb as a rock. - And I mean... He'sdoublingdown on the same style, thesametypeofspeech, the same applause lines. As the old saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm not saying Trump's insane, but they don't see a lot of nimble changes here, at least in this event. Um, Trump is-is a little bit stubborn. Uh, but also, he's a first-time candidate. So it's possible that he's being strategically firm ina waythat's gonna reward him, but it's also possible he's just not cut out for this. Andthequestionhereis as simple as it is startling: canDonaldTrumpholdalead after a seeing a 20-point lead cut in half? This state is famous for, uh, surprising everybody. Thisiswherethe so-called establishment lane ismostcrowded. The race is officially up for grabs. Anyone can still be-- anyone can still win. Please welcome thenextpresident of the United States, JebBush. The honorable Chris Christie. ThenextgenerationofAmerica, MarcoRubio. Thecrowdedfield of candidates, including current and former governors and several sitting senators, hailed as the best group of GOP presidential hopefuls ina generationat least. SoI 'dliketo introduce John Kasich. You know, the problems that we have in this country are easy to solve. You know what it takes? People of goodwill. When I decided to run for president, peoplecameforward and said, "You can't run. Youhaveto waityourturn ." Isaid,"Waitfor what?" This is no time to just promote the next person in line, becauseifwe get this election wrong, there may be no turning back for America. Here we are, six days from the New Hampshire primary. And if you listen to the media, theonlychoices aretwofirst-term United States senators andthatotherguy who's only experience is sitting in a fake boardroom in New York City, lookingintoacamera and saying, "You're fired." Uh, this is just a big issue for Hugh, uh, whose radio show we're doing, Hugh Hewitt. He thinks your brother should, um, come out stronger against Trump. So I-I imagine he's gonna offer that advice-- Hugh Hewitt should come out stronger against Trump. That's my-- gonna be my response. Good feedback. Since I'm the only guy that goes after Trump on the entire planet, I'm gonna take advice from someone who doesn't? - That is... - I think that's a good answer. GovernorBush, it's great to have you back. Great to be with you, Hugh. Donald Trump will not be the nominee. Yeah. Donald Trump's not gonna be the nominee. So you asked it twice and I answered it twice. Alotof campaigns have a lot of incentive totalkdownTrump and try to get, you know, the idea out there that, like, he might be falling apart. Um, it could be completely true. It could turn out to be completely false. It'shardto know. Did you--John, did you get in? Did you get in? No, they barred me from your event. - Whatever. You couldn't get in? - I couldn't get in. I made my best speech. You couldn't get in. Your best speech? That-that was a speech that was so good... A speech for the ages. I watched it. Everybody loved it. And you couldn't get in. I couldn't get in. I-I showed up too late. - It's too bad. - Um, how-how you doing? - I think we're doing good. - You're doing well? I think we're doing really good. Now, I want to tell you that one of the things that we've observed in the last 24 hours is that basically every Republican candidate, every Republican campaign, is whispering to reporters about a Trump collapse. - What do you think about that? - I think it doesn't happen. Have a good time, John. Thank you. Donald, you're a fine gentleman. Seems like--didn't seem that happy with it. Didn't seem that happy to be asked. I thought I would give him an opportunity to just knock it down. Donald Trump! Oh, he looks really pissed at me, though. All the way. - Thank you. He remains highly confident, apparently. Oh, wow! Wow! CNNprojects that Donald Trump will be the winner of the New Hampshire Republican primary. It'sastounding. Itisagreatnight for Donald Trump anda horriblenightfor the Republican establishment. Melania,shesaid right from the beginning, "You know if you run, you know you're going to win." Andshesaidthat from day one. So, Melania, thank you, honey. Thank you. And,DonandVanessa, thank you so much. We love you, Trump! AndIvanka,shewas out , she made seven stops today atthepollingareas. man] Seven twenty-four, roger. Trytomaintain2,000. Settomaintain2,000. ...taking on Washington andcorporatewelfare. All right, one over here. One, two. Here we go, big three. - thank you. - Let's go and relax. Yes. You'vedone a lot in your life. Where does winning the New Hampshire primary rank? Well, it's an interesting thing. I've had one of the most successful television shows. I've had The Art of the Deal and many other books that have been number one best sellers. And I've built a great company. But I would have to say that there's nev-- I've never seen anything like this. Storiesalloverthe world. Friends of mine calling me from Paris, from London, from Africa, from all over the world saying that it's the most exciting thing we've ever seen. There'sa show onShowtimenow about this election. Doesthatsurpriseyou that there's thatmuchinterest in this election? Oh, you're gonna do well off of me. - I wonder, if I weren't around, how much you would've done. Andthisis where Trump loves to be. Lovestobe on theplane, loves watching TV andseeingwhatpeople are saying about him. You'reseeingDonaldTrump winningineveryone of these regions. Donald Trump at--right now, has a 19-point-- percentage point--victory. That's how mad voters are, andthat'showmuch they want change. One thing with me, they know me. They've known me for a long time. I sort of grew up with the American people. And... You add up Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, all of the things, I guess I have 13, 14 million people. With me, all I have to do is go bing, bing, bing and I get the word out. Historically, I like running tables. So we'll see what happens. Hey, look, it's a long road, but it's a lot shorter than it was two weeks ago. George, you want us to switch, maybe? What is that? I've never seen it before. Sound recorder. You and Donald Trump are very different guys, but you're both-- it seems to me, some number of people who like you and some number of people who like him have a similar kind of disposition, which is, "The system is fucked up, and I want to see..." They allow you to say it on this television network? Well, if they have to bleep me, - they'll bleep me. - All right. Are you cognizant of the notion that there are some number of people out there in the world who are actually sitting there saying, "Either Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump. I don't know. One or the other"? There are many. We know that, yes, absolutely. - To me... - Given how different you are, you would think it would be impossible for that to exist. But I think, you see, what a lot of the media and the establishment folks who sit around in D.C. and talk to each other don't know-- 'cause they make a lot of money and they-they're hanging around the cocktail parties... People in this country are hurting. People are angry. Got husbands and wives struggling economically. They are angry, and they have a reason to be angry. And what we are trying to do is say, "All right, if you're angry, let's get angry at the right people. Don't get angry at your Latino friends or Muslims. Get angry at the people who caused the problem." I consider him to be a very dangerous human being who is doing enormous harm to this country. And also, as you have heard me say once or twice, um, you know, I think we need a media that allows us to focus on the real issues facing the American people, rather than looking at campaigns as a sport or as a soap opera. - Whoo! Donald Trump, he's an outsider. I read his book. And I just like everything he's got to say. He-he's smart. He knows what he's doing. Youknow,likehesays , we need to win. When ev--go to Walmart, everything you see, made in China, everything. Well, that-- how's that helping us? How's that helping us? It's not. Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! He'sentertaining. He's fun to watch. Like,youtalk to most people about watch a rally or anything, and they're just like, "Yeah." But you hear Donald Trump's coming to Clemson... - Yeah. - ...everybody goes nuts. Trump creates an energy around the election that nobody's ever done, like, in the history of the election. I mean, every day, you see something on-on Twitter about Donald Trump tweeting at somebody. nd, I mean, e grew up with The Apprentice. I mean, I remember watching that TV show. Like, that's when he had me, 'cause, you know, trying to be CEO one day. So, you know, that's why I have respect for him. He's awesome. Ah,gethimout . Ilovetheold days. You know what they used to do to guys like that? They'dbecarriedout on a stretcher, folks. I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell ya. DonaldTrumphascrossed the line in a number of places, butitdoesn'tseem to have damaged him. Youknow,Ithink he's been Teflon so far. Youhaveto brand people a certain way whenthey'reyouropponents. Like" liddle." L-I-D-D-L-E, liddle. Liddle,liddleMarco. I have never, ever met a person thatliesmorethanTedCruz. Ithinkhe 'sabasketcase . CanyouimagineJeb negotiating with China? Can you imagine? DonaldTrump'spicking on all these other contenders and hoping to take them down one by one. ...nationsaferandstrongerandfreer . Ifirmlybelieve the American people must entrustthisoffice to someone who understands that whoever holds it is a servant, notthemaster. Someonewhowillcommit to that service withhonoranddecency. Trump! Trump! Trump! Trytoget to the raw, real stuff. Interesting characters doing interestingthings with high stakes. That's what we have every night here at this table. -That'scorrect. - Yeah. One take. And six take. We'llberightback. Um, John, could you scooch to your, uh, left? Here, hold this for me. - Here's what makes you happy? - Yes. Do you want me further left or is this okay? Uh, yeah, further's better. You guys are actually in the shot back there in the wide. Patrick? Someone who could destroy the foundation... Can you still get your shot? The Republican Party is in full freak-out mode. You're only seeing two percent of it now. Ninety-eight percent of it's happening behind the scenes. Trump sweeps on Super Tuesday, you're gonna see a freak-out unparalleled. in our careers. Unparalleled. And the 98% of what's happening behind the scenes is what? Emails, phone calls, meetings, discussions, uh, agonizing at home alone at night about what this will mean for the Republican brand, the Republicans majorities in Congress... - And the future of the party! - And the future of the party. What it means to be a Republican in the 21st century. Yeah, they feel like the house has been burned down to its foundation. Has the establishment simply been too little, too late? Did they slowly wake up to Donald Trump and say, "Oh, my God, he could be our nominee"? A huge night for Donald Trump, winningsevenstates. Bigwins from Alabama to Vermont. Doesthisnow make him unstoppable? Thank you very much. Thank you. Donald Trump's victory could mean the end of the Republican Party as we know it. Hi, how you guys doing? Hi. Good,howare you ? -Good. Hi. - How are you? Good. How are you? Hi, good to meet you. - Good to meet you. - Hi. Thanks. Hey, guys, how you doing? Goodtoseeyou . Hi, how are you? - How you doing? - Good. Goodtoseeyou . Hi. I'm afraid there's probably not gonna be enough room - for this crew here. - Don't say that. -I apologize. Will you please join me in welcoming GovernorMittRomney. Thank you. I'mnotheretoannounce my candidacy for office. And I'm not going to endorse a candidate today. Instead I'd like to offer my perspective on the nominating process in my party. - - Back in 19... That's Romney-speak for "I'm about to beat the living shit out of someone." And let me put it very plainly. DonaldTrumpis aphony, a fraud. Hispromisesareasworthless asa degree from Trump University. I've been doing this r, you know, 25 years. Theideaof anational political party's mostrecentnominee to stand up and give a speech devoted to attacking the front-runner of the current election is off the hook. He inherited his business. He didn't create it. Dishonesty,thebullying, theabsurd third grade theatrics. He'splayingthemembers oftheAmericanpublic for suckers. Hegetsafreeride to the White House, andallwe get is a lousy hat. I understand the anger Americans feel today. We want to bring America back to the people! Mr.Trump is directing our anger forlessthannoblepurposes. Thisistheverybrand of anger that has led other nations into the abyss. JohnAdamswrotethis: "Remember, democracyneverlastslong. Thereneverwas a democracy yet thatdidnot commit suicide." TheRepublican establishment and the candidates who represented the establishment, they've looked up and they've said, "Oh, my God, this is really, actually, potentially happening." Nowthey'veallkindof come to the realization that," Oh,shit, we should've tried totakethisguy out months ago. It might be too late. But it might not be too late." Giventhecurrent delegate selection process, that means that I vote for Marco Rubio in Florida andforJohnKasichinOhio and for Ted Cruz orwhicheverone of the other two contenders has the best chance of beating Mr. Trump in a given state. The Stop Trump forces basically have two weeks. They have from now into-- until Ohio and Florida. Iftheycan'tstophim between now and then, theycan'tstophim . Attheendoftheday, it's getting down tokindof Floridaand Ohio. Do you support this idea that to stop Trump, the best course of action for voters is pick whichever candidate is strongest in any state, just from a delegate standpoint? I mean, that was sort of Mitt Romney's... What kind of a question is that? A good question. - Tricky question, okay. ButI gaveyouthe answer. I'm gonna spend a lot of time in Ohio and I'll bet Mr. Rubio's gonna spend a lot of time in Florida. - That's it. A voter in Ohio thatdoesn'twant Donald Trump to win Ohio mayverywellconclude thatthebestway to stop him in Ohio istovotefor JohnKasich, and I respect that. Theonlyone who has a chance to beat DonaldTrumpin Florida is me. Butifyouwanttostop Donald Trump in Florida, anyvotebutavote forme is a vote for Donald Trump. Allright,guys. Youknow, there are a lot of people wholikeMarcoRubio, who like John Kasich. They're both good, honorable men whom I respect, butneitheroneofthem has any plausible path tothenomination. It's becoming abundantly clear, ifyouwanttodefeat Donald Trump, our campaign is the only one who can do it. All right, thank you, everyone. It's chaos out here. Ona snowydebatenight in Detroit, madness takes its toll. They're trying to stop Trump. So where will they stop him? Will they stop him with TV ads? Will they stop him in, uh, some caucuses on Saturday? Most likely, they're gonna stop him in the Fox Theatre. Andthetruthis, there's no other time. Thisisthetime, this is the moment ifthey'regonnaget itdone . Senator Rubio, three weeks ago, you said, "Idon'tdo the personal attacks because I think it's beneath the office that I'm seeking butalsobecauseIdon't want to embarrass my kids." Butinthepastweek , you'vemocked Mr. Trump's tan; you'vemadefun of his spelling; you called him a con artist; you suggested he wet himself. Sowhathappened? Yeah,youknow,Bret, let me say something. Ifthere'sanyone who's ever deserved tobeattackedthatway, it's been Donald Trump for the way he's treated people for the last campaign. - Rubio! - Whoo! Butlet'sbe honest, too, about all this. Themediahasgiven these personal attacks an incredible amount of coverage. Let's start talking again about the issues thatmatterto thiscountry. I'm ready to do that starting right here, right now, tonight. Mr. Trump, your response? Ihaveto saythis. I have to say this. Hehitmy hands. Hereferredto my hands, ifthey'resmall, something else must be small. Iguaranteeyou, there's no problem. Iguarantee. Good. Speed, speed. #DickDebate. And my guess is, knowing America, they probably like Donald Trump talking about his penis is my guess, given our-- given our country. If the establishment looked at this debate as, like, one of the last chances to derail Trump, they haven't stopped him yet. Ata campaignrally inFayetteville,NorthCarolina, one of the Donald supporters in the audience coldcockeda protester. Thesedon'thappen at other candidates' events. The mood in these crowds is-issomething that I have not seen indoingthis for the past 25 years. Idon'tthink you've ever seen it at a presidential campaign rally. Andithappensatalmost every Trump event. It'sdisturbingandweird. Hisattitude and the campaign's attitude iswaytoocavalieraboutit. ...talkeddirectly to his supporters. Uh,sowe 'regonnafindout from Dr. Carson why he specifically wanted to endorse Donald Trump. Wedidaskabout... Uh, you know, the media, they'reveryskillfulat painting people certain ways. And it may not be who that person is at all. They'retwodifferent Donald Trumps. There'stheone you see on the stage, andthere'stheone who's very cerebral, sitsthere,andconsiders things very carefully. Youcanhaveavery good conversation with him. Andthat'stheDonaldTrump that you're gonna startseeingmoreand moreof. Okay. Yes? No, it's-it's-it's politics. And it's fact. Let-letmejusttellyou. We'vehadsomeviolent people as protesters. You know, they're not just people saying, "Oh..." Thesearepeoplethatpunch. And-and the particular one when I said, "I'dliketo banghim ," hewasswinging; he was hitting people; andtheaudiencehit back. Andthat'swhatweneed a little bit more of. Allright,acoupleofmore and we'll get out of here. It is our duty to fight for our freedom! Get' emout. Troublemakers. Get' emoutof here. Young,spoiledkids. Stop the hate! Stop the hate! We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! Therearehundreds, maybeeventhousands of protesters on hand. We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! Thesecurity does not have a handle onthesituationhere. We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! Tonight's rally will be postponed until another day. Thankyouverymuch for your attendance. Pleasegoin peace. We stopped Trump! We stopped Trump! Thisisbecomingviolent. Thereispushing and shoving going on insidethisarena. Itistotalchaos. DonaldTrumpjoinsme. I'm now live on the phone. Mr.Trump,do youbelieve that you have done anything tocreateatone where this kind of violence wouldbeencouraged? Doyoure-- you regret saying any of those things about punching protesters, sending them out on stretchers? DonaldTrumphascreated a toxic environment. DonaldTrump has got to be loud and clear andtellhissupporters that violence at rallies is not what America is about and to end it. And, you know, as we campaign, we have protesters. ButunlikeDonaldTrump, I don't ask people in the audience to punch them in the face. IwillcallupCarrier, he president. 'Cause I have to do it myself. I know it's not-- Trump! Trump! Trump! AndtothinkIhad such an easy life. What do I need this for, right? USA! USA! USA! USA! Realize that, win or lose, therearepeopleout there that see what I'm doing and follow it as a role model. And I can't imagine an election moreconsequential than this one. We're not just choosing what political party wins. We'rechoosing what it means to be aconservative in the 21st century. Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service? Somebody with strong views and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular-- which may be right but may be unpopular-- wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile. And that's a sad commentary for the political process. DonaldTrump is sounding more like a politician these days than America's most grandiose and controversial builder. Theycanpresume whatever they want. Ihaveno intention of running for president, butI 'dlikethepoint to get across thatwehaveagreatcountry, butit'snotgonnabe great for long if we're gonna continue to lose $200 billion a year. You'regonnaget into the early '90s, 1990,1991,and the whole thing's gonna blow. Here's the fundamental question. Isthepopculture in this country moreinfluentialnow than its institutions? Votersarefedupwith both parties. They'relookingfornew choices. And if the American people are presented aviable,differentchoice, theymayjusttakeit. Mr.Stone? Gentlemen, how are you? Good to see you, sir. - Nice to see you. - This is an incredible place. - Come on in. - Let's go in. - And what is this? - This is the bunker. - The bunker. - The bunker. This is the-- this is the Stone Zone. Uh... oh, my God. RogerStone is an American original. Insomeways,largerthan life . Largerthanlife and darker than night. Nixon. Seventy-two campaign. Youwereinvolved in that campaign. Yes, I was the youngest member of The Committee to Re-Elect the President staff. Right, and-and, famously, you were engaged in various dirty tricks or what people would call dirty tricks-- Allegedly. Alleg-allegedly. Roger was, for decades, theequivalentof KarlRove toDonaldTrump. Trumpbroughtin Corey Lewandowski. CoreyandRogerclashed. And... Rogerwasexiled. Roger was exiled. May I pick this up? Is that all right? Yes, you certainly may. Um, it says, "'Try me' feature on back." Probably on the back of the doll. I have no choice but to tell you, you're fired. The next president of the United States. You're fired. Is it the case now that you're-- you are not speaking to him? - No, we speak occasionally. - You do. When you say "occasionally," you mean you speak to him, like, with what frequency? - I'm curious, like daily? - We're--we're on-- - We're on friendly terms. - Hourly? From time to time. You'd ac--accept the notion of politics as basically like a fight for survival, right? It's a context, but yes. Right, right, right. - Kill or be killed. - Yes. And Trump's a brawler. I mean, there's nothing off-limits. There'll be no Marquess de Queensberry rules here. He had an incredible ability to, at every phase of the race, when someone has seemed to be the threat that he was worried about... Yes. - To find the one element... - Yes. ...of their psyche, distill it to a single thing. "Jeb Bush is low-energy." "Liddle Marco." - Whatever it is. - Yes. Yes. And just pummel, pummel that person. Yeah, 'cause he's used the same kind-- he's used the exact same, uh-uh-uh, technique in business. Look, this whole thing's a high-wire act. That's why it's so interesting. That's why people are tuning in. 'Cause it's genuine. It's not predetermined. Everything he's saying isn't pre-tested. So, uh, yeah, it's a-- you know, he's like-- it's like, you know, dealing with live ammunition. Passengersranin panic aftera bombexploded in the departures area ofBrusselsinternational airport Tuesday morning. Suicidebombers struck that location. Andauthoritiesaredigging for whatever possible terrorconnections they may have. Thesearethemen Belgianprosecutors say were responsible... Nationalsecurity's gonna be a big issue. YouandHillaryClinton are both wayaheadin delegatesnow , so let's say it'sa generalelection between the two of you. She was the Secretary of State, nation's chief diplomat. You're a businessman and-and hosted a TV show. How do you win that argument at a time of national security crisis? I think we'll win it because I think people will see I'm much more competent than she is. But how do you prove to people-- I think I'm much smarter than she is. I think I'm much more competent than she is. When'd you learn about what happened in Brussels? How did--like, just what happened? - Like, what was that-- - I received a call. And then I turned on the television. - Like, 5 a.m.? - Uh, pretty early, maybe six. Your friend--your friend knows to call you that early. - Eh. - That's a good friend. They know I'm not a big sleeper. - Yeah. - And I saw what happened. And I turned on the television, saw what happened. Said, "Here we go." Here we go. Come on, let's walk over. Okay. You got the call from your friend this morning. You already were scheduled to do a bunch of morning show interviews by phone. Did you consult anybody about what to say? - No. - Did you talk to anybody--no? No, I don't have to consult. Look, I say it from my heart and my brain. - Right. - It's not just heart. It's heart and brain. And that's what I do. So you just say what you want to say? I say what I think is appropriate. Who are you thinking about more these days: Cruz and Kasich or Clinton? - Clinton. - Clinton. You know, I think I'm gonna do very well against, uh, I call them the leftovers. And I think I'm gonna do very well. And we'll see what happens. You think she's afraid of you? The last person she wants to run against is me. But do you think she's-- And I know that from her people. I know that for a fact. The last person she wants to run against. What are her people doing talking to you - about that? - They tell me-- Doyouremember the last time youtalkedto Hillary or Bill Clinton? Alongtimeago . And you got mutual friends? Oh, I have people. You know, I grew up in New York. - Yeah. - And they were in New York. But it's been a long time. Just throw your mind back for a second, all right? You invited them to your wedding. - Right? Okay. - Mm-hmm. Uh,is-isthat-- were you guys actually-- did you feel like, at that time, you were actually friends and friendly, or was that just all kind of make-believe? I have been considered a world-class businessman. - I'm all over the world. - Right. I will invite important people to my wedding because oftentimes you need those people. When you're doing deals, when you're doing deals in other countries and you need approvals from this country to do deals in other countries, it's good to have relationships. So there was no warmth between you then? - But you-- - Even then, you weren't old-- you're not--if you weren't friendly then... Eh, friendly. A little bit friendly. - It was just-- - They were nice. I was nice. - But it's business. - Right. You know, the old thing, the old story. It's not personal. It's just business. That's a mafia saying, but, you know. - It's all right. - That's all right? Yeah, it happens to be true. You had "low-energy Jeb." You had "liddle Marco." You got "lying' Ted." What are you gonna say for Hillary? Well, I have a name for her, but I'm not gonna use it yet. - Oh, come on! Come on! - You got--you know what it is? You know what it is? Give us a hint. We have plenty. We knocked out plenty. Is it-is it "something" Hillary? At least one. How long do you think it'll be, Mr. President, before there's a first husband? Notlong. Not long. I think there'll be a-- A woman will be elected president probably in my lifetime. I certainly--I hope that a woman will have a chance to run. Would you raise your right hand, please? Hillary Clinton's march to the presidency hasbeengoingonfordecades. Formersenator. Madam Secretary, please raise your right hand. She'sa formerSecretaryofState. There has never been anymanor woman morequalified for this office thanHillaryClinton. Thestakes in this election justkeepgetting higher and higher, whiletherhetoric on the other side keepsgettinglowerand lower. She'sprobablyweatheredmoreattacks thananycandidatein the history of U.S. politics. She'sbeenburned by the press a lot. It'sunderstandable why she and her campaign wouldbeprotectiveand reluctant toopenup more. Youknow, I think she's got skin probably as thick as a rhinoceros at this point. There'snotalot of new things you can throw at Hillary Clinton that she hasn't seen. Although Donald Trump might be the first. Today, as we sit here, do you think most likely Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee? - Yes. - Yes. Yes. Tell me, like, an anecdote or a moment where you went from "no" to "maybe." When he attacked McCain. A mere mortal would-- could not have survived that. Well, that's what I was gonna say, was it the attack-- The attack. Doubling down on it. - Right. - And... - And then... - ...rising. A week later, when it was not the beginning of the end, I was like, "Oh. This is something different." Yeah. Because it showed he had balls? It showed that he was not subject to the normal rules? Yes. Not subject to the normal--yeah. I think, on the Republican side, he, uh, has been vexing to them in being able to control the debate. Right. Do you think he could do that in a general election against you? - Why? - That-that will be-- Our job will be to make sure that doesn't happen. But why would it be harder for him to control it against you? Well, I think he now has higher unfavorabilities than virtually any other likely nominee in history. Statistic-statistically true, but again, John-John made the argument, which is think is correct, which he has frustrated his rivals... Absolutely. ...by getting a lot of coverage. The Republicans didn't figure that out. Is he suitable to be commander in chief? What do you think? Do you--well, do you guys-- What do you think? You're an o-o-observer. You've watched what a president actually does. I think I have faith in the American people to make a decision about who's fit to be commander in chief. Do you think he might be more shrewd than you give him credit for or used to give him credit for? This is what is dangerous in politics is when we focus on the process and not on the substance. You can call it shrewd. You can call it brilliant. I don't care what you call it and I don't care how "brilliant" it is. It's really bad! And I think there's a point at which, you know, the-the-the race is gonna come into relief. You're gonna have two candidates. And the voters are gonna get serious. And it won't be a game anymore. TedCruzsuspendedhis campaign last night after... Everything in Donald's world losingtoTrump by double digits intheIndianaprimary. ...isabout a narcissist at a level Idon'tthink this country's ever seen. Look,thiscountryhas neverbeen great when we fight with one another. Aftera contentiousprimary, Donald Trump is under pressure to bring his party together. ThequestionforDonaldTrump iswhetherhe canleave this convention withatleasthaving an energized Republican base. Ifhecan't,it'llbe much harder for him toreallycompete against Hillary Clinton. Letuscommencethe call of the roll of the states. Whatdoyousay that we unify this party atthiscrucialmoment when unity is everything? Thegreatstateof Alabama is proud to cast 36 votes for the next president, DonaldJ.Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! California, that is 100% rock-solidpro-Trump. And11votes for my friend andthenextpresident of the United States, DonaldJ.Trump! I have the incredible honor towatchwhatmyfatherhasdone increatingthismovement-- because it's not acampaignanymore, it's a movement. Anditis my honor to be able to throw Donald Trump over the top in the delegate count tonight with89delegates. Congratulations,Dad! We love you! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! I formally declare Donald J. Trump andMichaelR. Pencethe Republicannominees forpresidentandvicepresident oftheseUnitedStates. ...and unify South Carolina... Great job, man, great! Thank you. Thank you. It was awesome. - Great job. - Thank you guys. - I am so proud! - Everything went well? Good to see you. It went well. I'm so proud of you. - I'll see you tonight. - We'll see you in a little bit. Abunch of these people who now say they'reneverTrump are gonna be Trump. They'regonnabe Trump in August or September, maybe October, maybe even some of them in November. And I'm getting that feeling here tonight. They're either gonna be for Trump, or they're not gonna be in the Republican Party. Yeah. 'Cause it's his Republican Party now. Oh, come on, that's ridiculous. There's still dozens of people walking around here saying... There are. There are. ..."I'm not for him." But here's the reality that's setting in. Roll call's happened. It's done. There's, like, no more... Yeah, I know he's the nominee, Mark, I get that. I get that, but there-- the fact is, there are still, like, many-- people you've worked for who wouldn't come here - under any scenario. - Oh, I know. There's a reason John McCain's not here. We don't disagree with that. There's a reason George W. Bush is not here. There's a reason that your friends from the Bush White House are walking around here saying it's the most depressing night of their lives. - Yes. I don't-- - So, like, so-- let's not pretend like everyone's now suddenly like, "Oh, it's all great, it's all good." But people are feeling it. This is our nominee. You guys are all--you guys are higher than I am right now. Ibelievefrom-- my one person told me that Cru--Ted Cruz is going to surprise-endorse Trump at the convention tonight in his speech. I asked Kellyanne to confirm it. - And I said I cannot. - She declined. She declined with her mouth. Kellyanne, your eyes right now are confirming it. What are you talking-- what are you-- Like, why-why play these games? There's no way for me--I'm not in the position to confirm that. If you love our country and love your children as much as I know that you do... Come on! Say it! Say it, Ted! Standandspeak and vote your conscience. Vote for candidates up and down the ticket whoyoutrust to defend our freedom andtobe faithful to the Constitution. Come on, Ted! Come on, Ted! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Wewillunitethe party. AndGodbless the United States of America. Wearelive at the Republican Convention inCleveland,andanother night and another wow! Wehaven'tseen anything like this before. Wehavenot. Ladiesandgentlemen, this was, uh-- wow,thatwassomediscord. Securityescorting Cruz's wife, Heidi, outofthearena. What's your message to Senator Cruz supporters who heard their candidate not endorse Donald Trump? No--yeah, what's their campaign message? I-I'm sure you already answered this, but... That's a pretty big smile, sir. Wow, that's a pretty big smile there, Paul. - Big smile. - I'm smiling with him. We're reading your body language, though. I'm smiling, but which is it? Did you foster that or not? Did that play the way you wanted it to? Look, I mean, I think the delegates were very disappointed. I still don't actually-- don't know what happened. USA! USA! USA! WhenI take theoathof office next year, Iwillrestore lawandorder to our country. Iamyourvoice! HillaryClinton'smessage isthatthings will never change, neverever. Mymessageis that thingshaveto change, andtheyhavetochange right now. God bless you, and good night. I love you. I think the convention was a tremendous success. There was love in that room, I'll tell you what. There was tremendous love in the room. Uh, you look at the unity. I mean, take a look at Ted Cruz. He got booed off the stage. I've never seen anything like it. - To tweak him? - Yeah. I would never do a thing like that. - But yes. - Yeah, yeah, so... - Well, I understand television. - Yeah. But nobody's a great producer 'cause there's always an element of luck. Right, I think this: I walk in, and the arena went crazy. Right. Because there's great unity in the Republican Party, and people don't know it. Had I not walked in, I think that audience would have ripped him off the stage. You know, this "Never Trump" was-was fiction. That was in somebody's mind, mostly the media's mind. It never had a chance. No, I-I think it's gonna be a very boring convention. Inanelectricnight here at the DNC, the crowd seems more unified with the bigotry and the bombast. Americaisgreat becauseAmericais good. HillaryClinton makes history becoming the first woman U.S. presidential nominee ever, shattering a new glass ceiling. Butcanshebreakthrough the public's image of her? HillaryClintonhashad a difficult relationship withthetruth. Perhapsnotmorethan conventional politicians, buttherenowis 30 years of baggage. Republicanpresidential nominee Donald Trump hiredStephenBannon of Breitbart News as CEO. ButBannonhasaspecial zeal for the Clintons. BreitbartNewshastaken every available shot tocomplicatehercandidacy... The mailbox says, "Fox News, Stone" right here. This is it. I have an excellent rapport with Steve Bannon. Yeah. And Bannon is my kind of guy. He's a bomb thrower. He thinks outside the box. If Donald Trump runs a conventional Republican campaign, he will lose. Right. What is Steve Bannon doing in the campaign? - Laying low. - Yeah. He never worked on a campaign, right? No, but, uh, John Mitchell never ran a campaign either, but he elected Richard Nixon president. I've never seen the voters this angry or this sour - or this distrustful. - Right. What's different about this cycle is, they've caught on to the role of the mainstream media, echoing, magnifying, and distorting, uh, facts on behalf of the political establishment. So just because something's on TV now-- CNN, CBS, whatever-- they don't necessarily believe it. Bannon, he brings, uh, a much better sense of the new media and the importance of the new media. Uh, and he knows the ent-- the entire Clinton oeuvre in terms of research. Right. - You have three, uh, debates. - Right. He could come at her anywhere. Will one of her husband's rape victims be in the audience? Is that a possibility? Are you just throwing that out there, or is that a... Just a--well, I mean, I-I-- I don't know that that's going to happen. - Yeah. - But--but it certainly could. I mean, the worst thing in politics than being wrong is to be worried. Right. Thestakescouldnot be any higher for this debate. Ninetyminutesthat could change the race. Newpollshows Hillary Clinton andDonaldTrump in a near dead heat. Clintonisleading by just two percentage points inthelatest... Welcome to the media circus! I'm a metaphor! - Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. Okay. Thanks. How are you? There's a beer trailer out there. I don't know-- did you see that? It's--I--people are pre-partying at the presidential debate. Who gets drunk at the presidential debate? Everybody but us, I guess. It's like a tailgate out there. What are we, like, a couple of losers? It's hard to imagine that nothing's gonna happen in this debate, right, that people are gonna go, "Oh, that was a dud." But it could happen, I guess. I don't know. Here's the reason why I question that just a little. When I asked him that first question at the first presidential debate Fox News hosted about the women. You'vecalledwomen you don't like "fatpigs,""dogs,""slobs"... Trump thought he could dismiss it with a laugh about Rosie O'Donnell. - Right. - And I kept pressing. And that's when he got mad. Ifyoudon'tlikeit, I'm sorry. I'vebeenverynicetoyou, although I could probably maybe not be based on the way you have treated me. And I know he's been told by everybody to keep it together and not let her bait him. And Trump's not stupid. - You know, I mean... - Yeah, yeah. He wants this. He likes to win. So that's if it could be... So if he--if he's convinced that that's the way to win, I mean, I think he can keep his powder dry for 90 minutes. And if he does, it might be boring. - Either way, we're gonna win... - Yeah. ...'cause boring or electric... There's gonna be a lot of people watching. - Everyone's gonna watch. - You're right. Yes. He's gonna give us a ton of stuff to talk about. And if it's electric, so much the better 'cause that'll keep us fueled for weeks. Wehaveso manythings that we have to do better, Lester. Wehaveno leadership. Andhonestly,thatstarts with Secretary Clinton. Ihaveafeeling, by the end of this evening, I'm to be blamed for everything that's ever happened. Whynot? Whynot? Yeah. - Why not? I've been all over the place. Youdecidedto stayhome, and that's okay. IthinkDonald just criticized me forpreparingforthisdebate. Andyouknowwhatelse I prepared for? Ipreparedto be president, andI thinkthat's a good thing. Mr. Trump, this year, Secretary Clinton became the first woman nominated for president by a major party. Earlier this month, you said she doesn't have "a presidential look." What did you mean by that? Uh,she doesn't have the look. She doesn't have the stamina. Thisisaman who has called women "pigs,"" slobs,"and"dogs." Oneoftheworstthings he said was about awomanin abeautycontest. Hecalledthiswoman "Miss Piggy," thenhecalledher "Miss Housekeeping" becauseshewasLatina. -Donald,shehas aname . - Where did you find-- - Her name is Alicia Machado. - Where did you find this? -Wheredidyou findit? - And she has become aU.S.citizen and you can bet... -Oh, really? - ...she's going to vote -thisNovember. - Okay, good. All right, well, that is going to do it for us. Thatconcludesourdebate for this evening. That debate did not want for electric moments. That's for sure, Bret. There's no--no one, I believe, will judge this as having been a loss for Hillary Clinton. This was clearly Hillary Clinton on the attack, issue after issue after issue. Shecertainly looked more presidential. Sheshowedmuchmore of a mastery of issues. Ithinkeverybody pretty much agrees thatTrumpwasjustawful. Follow me. Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump. How are you, sir? Congratulations on getting through your first presidential debate. - I liked it. - What'd you--what'd you think? I thought it was great. I really enjoyed it. It's about making America great again. So I think it came out very good, Mark. Of the objectives you had going in tonight, which ones did you achieve? Which ones did you fail to achieve? I think I achieved. I mean, I'm looking at all the online polls, and we're doing very well. We're really doing well. Um, I think I achieved. Now people are talking about how you did, how she did. What do you think the proper role for the media is now at this point, and what will the role be? All I wish the media would be is fair. Uh, you know, everyone's saying I won the debate. But hones-- I just want them to be fair. That includes you. Hey, John, throw it back to you. Uh, Donald Trump continues to walk the line, and we're gonna go chase after him. Did he say, "Everyone is saying I won the debate"? Well done, brother. Let me ask you a question. WhothinksTrumpwon the debate last night? Last night was very exciting. Winning the debate against crooked Hillary Clinton, bigleague. Bigleague. The single weapon that she's got is the media. Withoutthemainstreammedia, shewouldn'teven be here, folks. That I can tell you. She wouldn't even be here. Thereis some breaking news right now. David Fahrenthold of The Washington Post got his hands on a tape, uh, from 2005 of Donald Trump. Tookherout furniture shopping. Shewantedto get some furniture. I said, "I'll show you where they have some nice furniture." Whoa. That'shugenewshere. Whatever you want. The Trump campaign was already in free fall. Ever since the last debate, it's been one self-inflicted wound after another. But this really takes it to another level. The worst October surprise that any campaign has ever suffered. Ithinkthere'sanacknowledgement insidetheTrumpcampaign that they don't know howtheircandidate can survive this. They'reinDEFCON2 right now. I've never said I'm a perfect person nor pretended to be someone that I'm not. I've said and done things I regret. And the words released today on this more-than-a-decade-old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me knows these words don't reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong, and I apologize. I've said some foolish things, but there's a big difference between the words and actions of other people. Bill Clinton has actually abused women and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed, and intimidated his victims. Thatwasn'tan apology. Thatwaslike the Pee-wee Herman defense: "Iknowyouare , but what am I?" Thepartyrightnow is "flipping out." Agrowinglist of congressional Republicans withdrawingsupport. Some are demanding that Trump drop out of the race. He'sindicated in the past, "IftheRepublicanParty is not with me, thenthey'reagainstme. " Andhisbaseofsupport is with him on that. Go ahead! USA! USA! USA! USA! OnTwitter, Trump said, "Iwillnever drop out of the race. Willneverlet my supporters down." Whoo! Donald J. Trump! We will discuss this more in the coming days. See you at the debate on Sunday. Are we-- are we rolling? Justgettingin some videotape. Uh,lookat this. These are women who have made very strong accusations againstBillClinton. There you see in the middle of your screen Donald Trump... Mr. Trump may have said some bad words, butBillClintonrapedme. And Hillary Clinton threatened me. Donald Trump has just put his finger on the nuclear button and pressed it. Mr. Trump, you bragged that youhave sexually assaulted women. Doyouunderstandthat? No,I didn'tsaythatatall. Idon'tthinkyou understood what was said. Thiswaslockerroomtalk . Uh,I 'mnotproudofit. Iapologizedto my family. Ihavetremendousrespect for women. Have you ever done those things? Andwomenhaverespectforme. And I will tell you-- no, I have not. If guys are gonna say they don't talk like that, they're lying. Did you ever get a group of women ar--together? They're worse than the men. Hehadthepower. He has the prestige. Why wouldn't you take a little advantage? I'm not voting for the pope. I don't care what he said 11 years ago. Claimsthathe inappropriately touchedtwowomen in the past... Andhishands started going up my skirt. Hejustcamestrollingrightin. Somegirlsweretopless. Other girls were naked. Aninthwoman is now accusing Donald Trump ofsexualmisconduct. He gave me another embrace and did touch my vagina through my underwear. Theseviciousclaims aboutme aretotally and absolutely false. They'retaking these unsubstantiated-- no witnesses--putting them on the front pages of newspapers! They'reoutrightlies. She'sgot the whole media behind her. Everything's a setup. Thisisabout the liberal media trying to keep Trump from becoming president. Anyonewhochallenges their control isdeemedasexist, aracist,axenophobe. Things that come out of Donald Trump's mouth are disgusting. Theywillattackyou . Deplorableandawful. Theywillslanderyou . -Creepy. - They will lie. DonaldTrumpis going to lose this election. -Lie. - The race is over. They'rehorrible, horrible liars. It'sa riggedsystem. It's a rigged election. It'snotcoincidence that these attacks comeattheexactsame moment asWikiLeaks releases documents exposingthemassive international corruption oftheClintonmachine. Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Sotrue. TheClintonpresidentialcampaign isfacingmoreproblems over emails today... Asteadystream of leaked emails keepcomingfromWikiLeaks. U.S. intelligence officials say thehackscamefromRussia. What's really important about WikiLeaks isthattheRussiangovernment hasengagedin espionage against Americans in an effort to influence our election. Look,Putin... Oh, but-wait-- ...from everything I see, has no respect for this person. Well,that'sbecause he'd rather have a puppet aspresidentof the United States. No puppet. No puppet. -Andit 'sprettyclear-- - You're the puppet. It's pretty clear you won't admit that... No,you'rethepuppet. ..the Russians have engaged in cyber attacks against the United States of America becausehehasavery clear favorite in this race. Mr. Trump, you have been warning atralliesrecently that this election is rigged. Doyoumakethe commitment that you will absolutely-- sir--thatyouwill absolutely accept theresultof thiselection? Iwilllookatitat thetime. - Are you saying you're not prepared now to commit to that principle? What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'llkeepyouinsuspense. It is a disqualifying comment to say you will not accept the results of American democracy, thebeaconof democracy the world over. Lights-outmomentforhim . Thisisverysad night for the country. Um, you can't polish this turd. There's Kellyanne. How's it going? Oh, great! How are you? Was that the answer he was supposed to give on that question? He had a lot of great answers tonight. That one that everybody's paying attention to. - When--and he said-- - Why-why--how does that happen? I'm just curious, 'cause I'm not a reporter. - How does it happen that everybody hears the same 90-minute debate and everybody obsesses over the one thing he says-- Because we've never had a major party nominee who says, "I may not accept the results." Well, sure you did. You had Al Gore. That was after the election. Well, but that's--maybe that's his entire point, Mark. But earlier today, you, Mike Pence, and Ivanka Trump all said, "Of course he'll accept the results." So that's different than the answer he gave. We all said absent widespread irregularities or evidence of fraud or abuse. And rolling now. We all agreed he had to do something big tonight. Does anybody here think he did that? No. I think, if anything, just the opposite. The WikiLeaks disclosures from the Podesta emails have been going around now for over a week. And we still don't know-- and there's mixed opinion about this-- the people who are releasing these, trying to win the election for Trump or they're just trying to create chaos. Yeah, chaos and discord. The irony is, if the election is undermined, at this point, the chances are more--are better that it's by Russia than by anybody else. SoDonaldTrump,lastnight, he-he brought up a number of things that have been revealed by the WikiLeaks, uh, email hacking. Yes. Yes. You, Roger Stone, have said, I believe, on multiple occasions publicly, that you have back channel to Assange. - Correct? - Mm-hmm. We just happen to have a mutual friend who-- You "happen to have" a mutual friend? Yes, who supported Assange and has some connection to him. But how aware of all this is Trump? Have you discussed WikiLeaks with him? - I have not. - Not once? - Not once. - Never? In any of your private conversations, not once? - Not once. Not once. - You have no idea. So the U.S. intelligence community "is confident that the Russian government directed the recent compromises of emails from U.S. persons and institutions, including from U.S. political organizations." - So I-- - Show us the proof. You don't believe it? No, I don't believe it. Why does Donald Trump suck up to Putin so much? Because he favors a period-- Why does he do-- why does he do that? Because he favors a period of détente. If Nixon and Brezhnev can make a deal, then perhaps Trump and Putin can make a deal You-your view is that American voters, when Trump sucks up to Putin, they think, "Yeah, we like that. That's good." I think they like peace over war. So Trump is not only the candidate of the silent majority, the forgotten Americans, the candidate of law and order, but he is also the candidate of peace. So at this moment, it's October 20th... Yes. What needs to happen for Donald Trump to be president? I would concede that, in my belief, Mrs. Clinton is probably slightly ahead. But Trump is Trump. He's good in the clutch, and he could still eke this out under the right sequence of events. Trump may need some brakes, but to say that he's out of it? Over? Did you say over? Right. Right. Nothing's over till we say it is. Okay. This has been excellent. You'll edit out all the good shit. Come on, dude, you think I'm in charge of that? Some other liberal is. For you, Roger, fuckin' Attila the Hun is liberal. True. We'vegotsomebreakingnews Iwantto bring to our viewers right now. A new possible investigation by the FBI intoHillaryClinton'semails. Ina letter to members of Congress, DirectorComeysaidthe FBI has learned of the existence of emails that appear tobepertinent to the investigation. Thedirectorhimselfhas said hedoesn'tknow whether the emails referencedinhisletter aresignificantor not. Hehas-- this is not the way theJusticeDepartment is supposed to work. This is a case of great public interest, I get that. But you're not supposed to be trying cases in public like this. So irresponsible. Eleven days before the election. Soirresponsible. The question to me now... Just this morning, I was saying that it would take some catastrophic external event to change the trajectory of this race. This could be it. Republicansaregoing to bludgeon her with this overthenext11days . Asyouknow, theFBIhasreopened its investigation intoHillaryClinton. Thisisthelast Friday before Election Day. Andherewe are in the inner sanctum. ThisittheTrump campaign headquarters inTrumpTower. Roll on fuckin' everything. Look, the rooms are named after Trump properties. This seems more like a quiet Manhattan law firm thanitdoeslike a bustling campaign. Oh, look at this. This is awesome. Thisisaspace I've not been in. Idon'tthinkverymany people have been in. This is the entrance to the residence of Trump Tower sothisis where Mr. Trump comes in his lobby, maybegetsthemail. - Thank you, man. - Hey, thank you very much. - It's awesome. - Hey, good to see you. Really appreciate it. Thank you. Campaigns,they'realways gonna act upbeat. Thekeyis bodylanguage. Frankly,everyoneItalkto in the Trump campaign hasa bigsmileontheirface. Is that 'cause they have momentum and they feel on the upswing? Is it because they're bluffing? I don't know. So Robby Mook, your counterpart... Yes! ...says they're gonna win; they can't lose. We can't lose Florida. We can't lose North Carolina. - You say you're winning... - We're winning. ..you're gonna win. What's a boy to think? I'm not sure that they saw this coming. Her not being able to get Barack Obama-like levels in these blue states. Plus the fact that she is under a cloud of corruption and there's no evidence that Americans who already find her to be dishonest and untrustworthy are going to just look past that. You, uh, for the last week have had the luxury of mostly giving your candidate good news. - Yes. - Is your job to keep his spirits up or to tell him the truth? If you learn bad early vote numbers or you get a bad poll back, is your job to tell him the truth... - Always. - ...or to keep his spirits up? - Always. - Always. Well, both, I mean, all of the above. Does your-your campaign manager do a good job, objectively? - She's doing a great job. - Does she give you bad news? If something's bad, will she say, "I got to be honest with you"? She only gives me-- only gives me good news. Earlypollingshows that this FBI disclosure hasn't moved the race in any significant way so far. ClintonleadingTrump in all seven national polls. AdvantageClinton. A steep hill for Donald Trump. Clinton'schances of winning are 84% versusTrump's16 %. She'sgot an electoral college lock. Sheischokinghim out . So I got to ask you, are you ready? Howmanyof you've already voted? My final Sunday morning television appearance before Election Day on Face the Nation. Makesomefinalsense out of this fucked-up,distressing, depressing election. Are we rolling? David, there's a film crew in here. I noticed that. - Guys. - It's all very meta. Two days to go. Who'sgonnawin on Tuesday? Clinton or Trump? Uh, I... Uh, Clinton narrowly. "Clinton narrowly." I still think Clinton. Clinton narrowly. Clinton modestly. - As opposed to narrowly? Is modestly--is modestly bigger than narrowly or... It's-it's-it's larger. It's more like-- Did I say "biggerly"? Think I said "biggerly." Amy, how happy are you this is gonna be over? Or are you on the "I wish this campaign would go on forever"? I never wish a campaign would go on forever. Two weeks from now, we're gonna be on to something else. - Yeah, I'm not... - Really? Donald Trump isn't gonna be on to something else. We're likely to have, I'd guess, a-a populist Republican Party for a while. Okay, I don't think it's just a populist Republican Party. I think it's a Republican Party specifically focused on, uh, white identity as the organizing-- as the organizing thing. Having Barack Obama as president for eight years exposed the degree to which there was submerged racism. There was a whole bunch of stuff that was seething out there like in a David Lynch movie. Like, just a-- like, the--like- like bugs in the grass, right? - Right, right. And all of a sudden it's kind of now brought up to the surface. My expectation is that this is actually just the beginning of a-a-a more seismic change in our politics. Sort of like "we are not even on to the main course yet." - Right, exactly. - Fabulous. Great. And mic up, cue. We'rebacknow with our politics panel. John Heilemann, what's going on in the race right now? - - What is going on? Well, it's almost over, John. Oneofthe challenges of this election is that the smart people think that they know what's going on, and then Donald Trump has been extremely successful doing his thing. So maybe Donald Trump just knows something better. Um, well, if that's true, um, a lot of us are gonna have to, uh, really check a lot of our preconceptions at the door. But it's still the case that, uh, Hillary Clinton hasneverbeenbehind in this race. Years from today, when your kids and grandkids ask what you did in 2016, wheneverything was on the line, Iwantyou to be able to say youvotedforaninclusive, big-hearted, open-mindedcountry. BecauseI dobelieve we are stronger together. Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! It all began for me in New Hampshire, thefirststatewewon. Wearejustone day away fromthechange you've been waiting for yourentirelife. You'relooking at Westchester County Airport inWhitePlains,New York. HillaryClinton coming home to vote. ThisisElectionDay . Right now, it is very, very, very early results, Hillary Clinton running up the percentages that she needs in Florida... We'reinthat classic bullshit period whereelectionreturns would suggest to you Trump'sdoingevenorwell . And the exit poll data shows that Clinton's won it. Soinsidersknowthat and are basically like, "All right, who's gonna be in the Clinton cabinet?" And, "What time's Clinton gonna give her victory speech?" And, "Will Trump concede?" And, you know, on the air, it's all just like Kabuki of, "Oh, look, Trump's up 7,800 votes." She's right now, according to the exit polls, ahead in every battleground state that she's contesting. - Yeah. - We're headed towards-- If she wins Florida, that's that. - Well, right. - You know? Eighteen months of, like, extraordinary buildup ends... with one projection. Mr. Trump, sayonara. So welcome to the Jacob Javits Center. AKA Hillaryland. Now is our chance tobeatthehistoricalodds andgivetheAmericanpeople thehealthsecuritytheyneed . Weworkedreallyhard. We weren't successful. Whichreallydisappointed... This is, like, mind-blowing. Very futuristic. Literally, it's like nothing I've ever seen on election night. This is like a show of force. If she wins, it's gonna be a metaphor for the fact that she and her team outplanned, outworked, outspent Donald J. Trump. This is the electoral college map. Thecoloredstates you see now... No. Really? I guess I never really thought about it. - I just know how hard it is... - Right. - ...for women to win. - Since you never expected to see one in your lifetime, it's fair to say that you are seeing one sooner than you expected. Yes. I hope that's right. Stay--don't- don't let him fuck with you. Stay here and talk to me. So everybody's paying attention to the glass ceiling and all the symbolic value of that. - Yeah. - And that's true. But the other thing that we're pointing to is the stage that is shaped like the map of the United States of America. And the symbolic purpose of that is-- and this is something you're gonna hear in her remarks-- that she wants to be a president for everybody. We realize, even if she has a decisive victory tonight, that the country's gonna remain polarized and the big challenge facing her is gonna be how to try to heal the divide. And so starting tonight, wants to start to reach out to even those Trump supporters that didn't vote for her. So this is kind--I mean, I know he's done events here before, but it's so weird for an election night party for the guy that has huge rallies to end on a note like this, right? I know. Well, I think... This looks more like an annual convention of osteopaths than it does an election night celebration. North Carolina, Florida, right away. Firstinthepolls... Key race alert right now. Key race alerts! Allright, let's take a look. Let'sstartwithFlorida. Rightnow,DonaldTrump is ahead impressively with91%of thevote. InOhio,DonaldTrump also has the lead ofmorethan52,000 with 39% of the vote in. Eighteen-pointthreshold. It's too close to call. InVirginia right now, Donald Trump still has an impressive lead... The suggestion earlier was if she won Florida, it'd be a really early night. And now it's Trump with 92% of the vote in and Trump ahead by 130,000 votes. She could still... ...votes outstanding... I got to watch my oldest daughter, Jessica,getmarried to the man of her dreams... So I'm over at the Clinton headquarters. And the atmosphere here in the last 45 minutes has just pancaked. Iguess what I'm saying is this. Ibelievethatshe willwin. They're playing Schumer giving some speech, and people are like, "Please, we don't need to hear about how much you love Coney Island. What the fuck's going on in Broward County?" And this is encouraging you, ifyou'retheTrumpcampaign, IfDonaldTrumpkeepsit that close... My sense is that in the last 45 minutes or so, the energy's... - Air--yeah, absolutely. - Air out of the room, right. Right. Have you reached any of the Clinton people about Florida? A couple things to point out. First of all we talk about this college, non-college... DonaldTrumphasjust won the state of Ohio. NoRepublicanhas won the White House without winning the state of Ohio. Donald Trump, the GOP nominee has just... Sure, it's only a couple hundred in this county, maybe1,000there, maybe 1,500 there... They've got the audio up on John King at CNN because they're starved for information. Thatissomething if that's 100%. There's not more votes to be gained by Hillary Clinton... If she--if he wins Florida, it's an earthquake. I would say at this moment that... pretty much every liberal I know is comprehensively freaking out. Think that's fair to say. CNNcannowproject thatthestateofColorado will go to Hillary Clinton. Remember,youneed270 to win the White House. Ikeepsayingthat... Yeah, even with Iowa. She's got-- she's got a chance still. If she can block him in Michigan, Wisconsin... For Trump? All right. Fox is giving North Carolina to Trump, so... really about Michigan, Wisconsin, and New Hampshire right now. Michigan-Wisconsin thing is key. 'Cause she's behind by-- I mean, it seems like bo-- those are probably gonna go the same direction. Okay. Let me know, okay? Thank you. My guests tonight are executive producers and reporters from Showtime's political documentary series The Circus. Please welcome Mark Halperin and John Heilemann. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Uh, what is happening out there? I haven't looked at anything in, like, the last half hour. What's going on? Um, my sense is that this audience will not particularly like this, but he's now the front-runner. Uh, if Trump wins, how about bursting into tears and screaming "fuck" for the next 45 minutes? What did you want to say? What? - Yeah. - Uhh, Donald Trump has taken the state of Florida. - Okay, so that's been called. He is--he is now on-- he is now on the doorstep of 270 electoral votes. Wow. Wow. Uh, that's a horrifying prospect. I can't put-- uh, I cannot put a-a-a-- I can't put a happy face on that. And-and that's my job. If you did an MRI of the country, I think you'd-- terminal grievance and anger and populist ire is the--is the-the-the thing that afflicts both sides--Democrat--on the far left and the far right. And now we are where we are, which is-- Outside-outside of the Civil War, World War II, and including 9/11, this may be the most cataclysmic event the country's ever seen. Um...well... - Happy to march. - We'll be right back after this message from Calgon. Here'sanupdate from Clinton aides. She's still at the hotel, watching results. She was planning to wait and then at some point go over to the Javits Center and give her victory speech. I mean, you know, she's in there now. They're--I'm sure they're telling her the bad news and they're trying to figure out a path. They're claiming that there's more vote out at some of these places. Can you imagine if she has to give a concession speech tonight, what she's gonna say? You know, she said America is better than this and all that. I mean, she's gonna have to say this is what America wants. Literally, there's never been anything that's happened like this. I, um... you know, often thunk of Trump as like Berlusconi, the prime minister of Italy. You know, incredibly outrageous, um, c-conduct and personality. But with all due respect to the Italians, like, being prime minister of Italy is not the same as being president of the United States. I texted a Trump aide. Said, "Where are you?" Her response was, "Alongside the next POTUS." That'sright! That'sright! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Yeah, um, I'm-I'm on 55th and 6th, trying to get towards the hotel. They've got a credential for me. They've got it inside. Uh," impatient," at this point wouldbetheoperative word of the night. Therehasnotbeen a single person whohasleftthe Trump victory night headquarters, iswhattheythink it now is. Uh,they'reparticularly interested in whenPennsylvania might get called, uh,becauseafter... Twothousandtwelve,uh, Barack Obama won quite "handedly." Thisissteelcountry; this is coal country. Andlookat DonaldTrump winning... We just got word that Pennsylvania has been called for Donald Trump. By any rational calculation, it's over for her. ...lotofdifferentways. DavidAxelrod, what did everybody get wrong? Imean,thepolls were just wrong. I know. I think the Comey letter wasextremelyhurtfultoher. It's, uh-- it's frankly astounding... Think of what an incredibly nontraditionalcampaign this was. ItwasDonaldTrump with a microphone, a hat, andanairplane. -Twitteraccount. - And a Twitter account. Anda lot of media exposure. An extraordinary... And the media... I'm gonna go on TV tomorrow and have to say, "Hey, man, I was wrong." I got to figure out why I was wrong. We all got to figure it out. Thiswastheyearof bipartisan,ecumenical populist rage. And it was enough that the figure of Donald Trump was able to marshal that populist outrage and... issue a hostile takeover of the Republican Party onthebackofwidespread outrageandanger at Democrats, at Republicans, at Washington, at Wall Street, at Fortune 500, at the mass media, at every major establishment, institution in the country. People are fucking pissed off. Andtheirattitudewas , "You know what? Thatguyis risky, butdoingthesamething over and over again for another 20 years that we did for the last 20 years anddidn'tfixanything, that's risky too. And I'm willing to take these risks and just roll a fucking stick of dynamite into Washington, D.C., and blow the motherfucker up and see where the rubble falls." Hegivesthosevotershope . They may not believe that he can really change anything, but he is their hope and change candidate. Shouldn't he be congratulated orsomebodyjustsay what he's done is extraordinary? Thefactthatitstarted with 17 candidates. If you were a supporter of Donald Trump or he wasn't your candidate, what he's accomplished is extraordinary. People have talked about a miracle. Uh,I 'mhearing about a nightmare. Uh, it's hard to be a parent tonight for a lot of us. Uh,youtellyourkids , don't be a bully. Youtellyourkids, don't be a bigot. And then you have this outcome and you have people puttingchildrento bed tonight, and they-- they're afraid of breakfast. Thiswasarebellion against the elites. True,butit was also something else. Wehaven'ttalkedaboutrace . Thiswasawhitelash. Thiswasawhitelash against a changing country. Itwasawhitelashagainst a black president, in part. Andthat'sthepart where the pain comes. I have a right to my own body. Do you have a daughter? Do you have a wife? The alt-right is here! We are here to stay! We are opposed to neoconservatism. - Yeah! - We are opposed to globalism. Yes. We want nationalism for all people. Wow! These are the fucking assholes... - White people have just... - Exactly. ...as much of a right to exist. - I'm a veteran! - Yes, what do you-- - I'm 50% disabled! - What do you identify as? - You identify as American? Yes? - Okay? Of course I identify as American! And we shouldn't be against each other by you - telling me all this rhetoric. - If--no--excuse me. I mean, is-it's-it's stunning. And people are gonna be stunned tomorrow and the next day and the next day and for a good long time. It's-it's, uh-- it was--it was hard to cover 'causethecountry's so bitterly divided. Itwashardtocover becausesomuch of what happened was against the conventional wisdom. Tonight and this election will be in the history books. And it will never be fully explained. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Thank you very much, everybody. Sorry to keep you waiting. Complicated business. Complicated. This was tough. This political stuff is nasty and it's tough. - I think we're done. - Well-- Scott says we're done. - We wake up today-- - Scott says we're done. What are you doing? - Cleaning I want to emphasize to you, uh, Mr. President-elect, that, uh, we now are gonna, uh, want to do everything we can to help you succeed, because if you succeed, then the country succeeds. Thank you, sir. Seven twenty-four, roger. Try to maintain 2,000. Set to maintain 2,000. Seven-two-four. Coming in final four, try to maintain 3,000. Three-thousand. You're looking at Westchester County Airport in White Plains, New York. Hillary Clinton coming home to vote. This is Election Day. Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! ÂTMa soft electronic music âTMa âTMa How's it feel? - Yeah? - Yeah. I've been--this has been a long, tough slog and a hard campaign and a crazy campaign. It's four o'clock. There are all these people out here, you know, who have come to see her. I'm just so proud of her. I can't--I just can't tell you why, uh--how much that makes me feel like just being a small part of it is so important. What will it feel like tomorrow night if you lose? You know, I think, uh, in some ways, uh, it'll be just-- I-I don't know. It's sort of hard to even kind of contemplate that. I think there's a kind of profound responsibility and there'd be such a crushing, uh, sense of loss if somebody with his character was elected president of the United States, so... I don't think that's gonna happen. - Yeah. - Yeah. And I'm standing here tonight, and I really don't think that's gonna happen. ÂTMa brooding electronic music âTMa âTMa A new series on Showtime seeks to capture the 2016 presidential election's jaw-dropping, head-scratching moments in real time and aims to expose not just the nitty-gritty of how campaigns work but also the people behind the candidates. It is called The Circus. Six up, TS, quick. We'll be right back. The star of The Circus. Yay! It's Charlie Rose! Are you an elephant or you--what are you? Ah! ÂTMa playful music âTMa What's going on? You're going on. What's going on? You are. Cable TV, you can say anything you want, can't you? I said on TV the other night, I said, "I fucking hate that motherfucker." And it just went-- and everybody loved that shit. On Showtime--you can say anything on Showtime. We're gonna have a lot of fun doing it. I mean, it's gonna kill us. This is gonna work because you got McKinnon. That's the only friggin' reason it's gonna work. He's got that fucking-- where's the-- are you not wearing the hat tonight? Hey, Captain, how are ya? Heilemann] Are you gonna be on his show and not in the hat? I guess I have to wear the hat. Look at that scarf. Got to wear the hat, dude. - Okay, yeah. - Sit down. Is Halperin joining us, or is he... Yeah, he had his BlackBerry fixed. Nice to see you, sir. Can see they're fixing Halperin's BlackBerry. Watch this. Here he comes. ÂTMa playful orchestration âTMa Howdy, sir. Oh, don't stand up. Good to see you. Of course I do. ÂTMa Can you tell us what guest has been on this show more than any other guest? For a while, it was Halperin. What-what do you mean, "for a while"? Well, maybe it's still true. It may still be true. That's... âTMa upbeat instrumental music âTMa Hey, guys, you ready back there? ÂTMa All right, here we go. Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. Cue. The 2016 presidential election could be remembered as one of the most bizarre and unpredictable in American history. At this moment, talk a bit about Trump. ÂTMa brooding string music âTMa Ladies and gentlemen... âTMa I am officially running for president of the United States. And we are going to make our country great again. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. - Yes! Yes! - Mark my words. When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. How to take Donald Trump? Hmm, well, consider the newspapers this morning, at least the tabloids. The Daily News considers Trump a "clown." The New York Post considers, uh, Trump a rich guy who could make it to the White House? ÂTMa I got to talk about Donald Trump. How does he impact this race? I don't think he does at all. Look, aside from being incredibly entertaining, Donald Trump lacks the seriousness of the kind of candidate that Republicans desperately need right now. Once you enter the world of politics, there's a different bar, different standard. To say that that makes him serious is ridiculous. We never said-- The guy was talking about how Mexicans are rapists. Rapists? People lose their jobs over words like those. Donald Trump touching off a political firestorm by insulting John McCain. He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell ya. Hats and T-shirts right here, y'all. The latest uproar was sparked after making comments about Megyn Kelly. But you can see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever. But many people perceived that as a reference to Kelly's period. Honestly, I can't even believe I'm talking about this on TV right now. Buttons, flags, T-shirts. Rump] You got to see this guy. "Oh, I don't know what I said. Ah. I don't know..." woman] Trump last night mocked New York Times reporter who suffers from a physical handicap. A lot of them still want to treat him like a clown, like a reality show guy. The bottom line is, he is the Republican front-runner. Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. Trump! Trump! Trump! Critics argue Trump crossed a line. Others wonder whether, for him, a line even exists. ÂTMa Enemies of freedom âTMa âTMa Face the music âTMa âTMa Come on, boys, take 'em down âTMa Can you imagine Donald Trump standing up one day and delivering a State of the Union address? Well, I can imagine it in a Saturday Night skit. ÂTMa militaristic music continues âTMa He's not gonna be president of the United States. Go music. Crank it now. ÂTMa Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next president of the United States, Mr. Donald J. Trump. ÂTMa Oh, that is amazing. We don't win anymore, you understand that. Every country in the world is ripping us off. Every country in the world. We lost millions and millions of jobs to these people. Fifty-five thousand factories and manufacturing plants-- 55,000! Who would think that's even possible? They'll leave here and they'll move to Europe or they'll move to Asia. It's a real bad scene. And it's gonna continue if you put any of these other people-- It's not gonna continue with me. With me, it's real simple. I'm gonna do what's right for you. And you. And we're gonna bring those jobs back from China. I love China! But we're gonna bring them back from China. And by the way, we will build a wall. We will build a wall! We will build a wall. We're going to win at every single level. We're gonna win so much, you're gonna beg me. You're gonna say, "Mr. President, we're so tired of winning, we can't take it anymore. Please, don't win anymore. Mr. President, please, have one or two losses." And I'll say, "No, I won't do that." The American dream is dead, but we're going to make it bigger and better and stronger than ever before. And I love you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. ÂTMa soft electronic music âTMa Hold on one second. Where's the volume on this? ÂTMa soft eerie music âTMa Whoo! Trump speaks the truth! Mr. Halperin, are you miked? We haven't really seen anything like this in American politics in this millennium. Make America great again. This has got the flavor of - a music festival, right? - Yeah. Eilemann] They're fans as much they are voters, right? There's a movement psychology for sure. - Yeah. - They feel like they're part of something special and unique and they want to be there to experience it. Donald Trump, love him or hate him, he said some things that people think are vile and offensive. Whatever you think about Trump, though, ideologically, he's such a big figure. There's a lot of charisma there. There's a lot of just confidence. I understand why that guy's a front-runner. ÂTMa You got this huge Republican field. You got chaos in the establishment. Mismanaged going into Iraq. Dr. Carson, is the Middle East-- We mismanaged going out. - Dr. Carson. - The question of - whether we can... - Hold on, hold on. - The problem with defeat... - Senator. Senator. We're gonna get to you. Hope at some point, you're gonna ask me my strategy - for defeating ISIS. - We will get--we-- we have a lot of time. Donald is great at the, uh, one-liners. But he's a chaos candidate. And he'd be a chaos president. We need toughness. Honestly, I think Jeb is a very nice person. You said in September 30th that ISIS was not a, uh... - Am I talking... - ...not a factor. - ...or are you talking, Jeb? - I'm talking right now. - You can go back. - I'm talking right now. - You can go back. - I'm talking. You're not talking. You interrupted me, Jeb. - September 30th, you said it. - Are you gonna apologize, Jeb? No. Am I allowed to finish? There's no establishment front-runner. And there's no sign that that's gonna change in any way. Brilliant. Prompter, thank you. That was fantastic. - As you wish. - Okay, we need to run through the-the C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J pages. Oh, my God. Jesus. Our brand-new Bloomberg Politics Des Moines Register Iowa Poll is out today, shows Ted Cruz and Donald Trump leading the pack in the Hawkeye State. They are basically tied. We know there are deep cleavages in the party. And that's why the party is in so much trouble. - This foreshadows-- - Deep and passionate. This foreshadows the fight we will see if Donald Trump wins some combination of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, three of three or two of three. We will see a titanic fight within the party unlike I can recall seeing in my career. It's time for Iowa Christians to honor God by attending your Iowa caucus on February 1st. If you are currently in an early primary or a caucus state, you certainly don't need the likes of me to tell you that we're in the heat of election season. This is crunch time so the candidates are all out there, trying to get their messages to the public. Two weeks ago just about every candidate in the field was attacking Donald Trump. Now just about every candidate in the Republican field is attacking me. I-I guess something has changed. You know, Ted Cruz, you know, the Canadian, he's like a nervous wreck. He is dropping like a rock in the ratings. We're number one in every poll. It's almost embarrassing, but let's keep it that way. Let's keep it that way. All of my people and all of the experts say, "Mr. Trump, don't say you want to win. Just say you want to do well. Because that way, you can't lose." I can't do that. I want to win, Iowa. So the question for him, above all others, is, can you turn these big crowds into big turnouts and into support at the ballot box? ÂTMa ambient music âTMa âTMa It's a very good night for Ted Cruz. He has won in Iowa, defeating Donald Trump. We want Ted! We want Ted! We want Ted! Tonight Iowa has sent notice that the Republican nominee and the next president of the United States will not be chosen by the Washington establishment. To God be the glory. You ready? Just-- - Here, hold on, let's flip. - Okay, yup. Good? Close that door so-- yeah, so we don't get... Just-just walk me through your day. You woke up and how'd you feel about what's gonna happen? You know, last night, as you were watching the TV news, every pundit on every station was saying, "Cruz can't win. Cruz can't win. There's no way Cruz can win. Trump's gonna win." I heard it on every station from every political pundit. And yet what happened today is, the grassroots proved them wrong. Congratulations. Off to New Hampshire. Ah, indeed. ÂTMa ambient music âTMa But Donald Trump, who many, many people predicted was going to win at the Iowa caucuses... It looks like a lot of people did switch their vote, uh, people who were supporting, uh, Donald Trump. ÂTMa Thank you. ÂTMa So Iowa ends and it's seven days of hell in New Hampshire. The stakes are higher than they are in Iowa. You have a chance to come back. If you don't do well in Iowa, you can come back in New Hampshire. If you don't come back in New Hampshire after failing in Iowa, you're done, generally. - Mr. Trump? - Yes? Uh, I think that we did really well. I mean, I ended up coming in second. Uh, didn't devote tremendous time to it. Didn't devote tremendous money to it. Yeah, Tom? Mr. Trump... No, I don't think I feel any pressure. Mark. Go ahead. Would you be comfortable, as you seem to be finishing second in Iowa, finishing second here? I'd love to finish first. Uh, you know, again, it would still not be horrible because you're competing against a lot of very talented people that have been politicians all their lives. I've been a politician for six months. Okay. Normally when Trump goes after the press, he'd be vicious. He'd say "You people are morons, you're idiots." And, you know, I think his tone was a little different, a little bit more subdued. Okay. Thank you, everybody. The media, the worst people ever! The worst. We finished number two. The headlines were, "Trump Comes in Second. He's Humiliated!" Some are smart, but some of these guys are dumb as a rock. And I mean... âTMa soft suspenseful music âTMa He's doubling down on the same style, the same type of speech, the same applause lines. As the old saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm not saying Trump's insane, but they don't see a lot of nimble changes here, at least in this event. Um, Trump is-is a little bit stubborn. Uh, but also, he's a first-time candidate. So it's possible that he's being strategically firm in a way that's gonna reward him, but it's also possible he's just not cut out for this. And the question here is as simple as it is startling: can Donald Trump hold a lead after a seeing a 20-point lead cut in half? This state is famous for, uh, surprising everybody. This is where the so-called establishment lane is most crowded. The race is officially up for grabs. Anyone can still be-- anyone can still win. Please welcome the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush. The honorable Chris Christie. The next generation of America, Marco Rubio. The crowded field of candidates, including current and former governors and several sitting senators, hailed as the best group of GOP presidential hopefuls in a generation at least. So I'd like to introduce John Kasich. You know, the problems that we have in this country are easy to solve. You know what it takes? People of goodwill. When I decided to run for president, people came forward and said, "You can't run. You have to wait your turn." I said, "Wait for what?" This is no time to just promote the next person in line, because if we get this election wrong, there may be no turning back for America. Here we are, six days from the New Hampshire primary. And if you listen to the media, the only choices are two first-term United States senators and that other guy who's only experience is sitting in a fake boardroom in New York City, looking into a camera and saying, "You're fired." Uh, this is just a big issue for Hugh, uh, whose radio show we're doing, Hugh Hewitt. He thinks your brother should, um, come out stronger against Trump. So I-I imagine he's gonna offer that advice-- Hugh Hewitt should come out stronger against Trump. That's my-- gonna be my response. Good feedback. Since I'm the only guy that goes after Trump on the entire planet, I'm gonna take advice from someone who doesn't? - That is... - I think that's a good answer. Governor Bush, it's great to have you back. Great to be with you, Hugh. Donald Trump will not be the nominee. Yeah. Donald Trump's not gonna be the nominee. So you asked it twice and I answered it twice. ÂTMa tense tone âTMa A lot of campaigns have a lot of incentive to talk down Trump and try to get, you know, the idea out there that, like, he might be falling apart. Um, it could be completely true. It could turn out to be completely false. It's hard to know. Did you--John, did you get in? Did you get in? No, they barred me from your event. - Whatever. You couldn't get in? - I couldn't get in. I made my best speech. You couldn't get in. Your best speech? That-that was a speech that was so good... A speech for the ages. I watched it. Everybody loved it. And you couldn't get in. I couldn't get in. I-I showed up too late. - It's too bad. - Um, how-how you doing? - I think we're doing good. - You're doing well? I think we're doing really good. Now, I want to tell you that one of the things that we've observed in the last 24 hours is that basically every Republican candidate, every Republican campaign, is whispering to reporters about a Trump collapse. - What do you think about that? - I think it doesn't happen. Have a good time, John. Thank you. Donald, you're a fine gentleman. Seems like--didn't seem that happy with it. Didn't seem that happy to be asked. I thought I would give him an opportunity to just knock it down. Donald Trump! Oh, he looks really pissed at me, though. All the way. Thank you. He remains highly confident, apparently. ÂTMa atmospheric music âTMa âTMa Oh, wow! Wow! CNN projects that Donald Trump will be the winner of the New Hampshire Republican primary. It's astounding. It is a great night for Donald Trump and a horrible night for the Republican establishment. Melania, she said right from the beginning, "You know if you run, you know you're going to win." And she said that from day one. So, Melania, thank you, honey. Thank you. ÂTMa And, Don and Vanessa, thank you so much. We love you, Trump! And Ivanka, she was out, she made seven stops today at the polling areas. ÂTMa brooding music âTMa âTMa man] Seven twenty-four, roger. Try to maintain 2,000. Set to maintain 2,000. ...taking on Washington and corporate welfare. All right, one over here. One, two. Here we go, big three. - Thank you. - Let's go and relax. Yes. ÂTMa You've done a lot in your life. Where does winning the New Hampshire primary rank? Well, it's an interesting thing. I've had one of the most successful television shows. I've had The Art of the Deal and many other books that have been number one best sellers. And I've built a great company. But I would have to say that there's nev-- I've never seen anything like this. Stories all over the world. Friends of mine calling me from Paris, from London, from Africa, from all over the world saying that it's the most exciting thing we've ever seen. There's a show on Showtime now about this election. Does that surprise you that there's that much interest in this election? Oh, you're gonna do well off of me. I wonder, if I weren't around, how much you would've done. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa And this is where Trump loves to be. Loves to be on the plane, loves watching TV and seeing what people are saying about him. You're seeing Donald Trump winning in every one of these regions. Donald Trump at--right now, has a 19-point-- percentage point--victory. That's how mad voters are, and that's how much they want change. One thing with me, they know me. They've known me for a long time. I sort of grew up with the American people. And... You add up Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, all of the things, I guess I have 13, 14 million people. With me, all I have to do is go bing, bing, bing and I get the word out. Historically, I like running tables. So we'll see what happens. Hey, look, it's a long road, but it's a lot shorter than it was two weeks ago. ÂTMa pensive music continues âTMa âTMa âTMa soft pensive music âTMa George, you want us to switch, maybe? What is that? I've never seen it before. Sound recorder. You and Donald Trump are very different guys, but you're both-- it seems to me, some number of people who like you and some number of people who like him have a similar kind of disposition, which is, "The system is fucked up, and I want to see..." They allow you to say it on this television network? Well, if they have to bleep me, - they'll bleep me. - All right. Are you cognizant of the notion that there are some number of people out there in the world who are actually sitting there saying, "Either Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump. I don't know. One or the other"? There are many. We know that, yes, absolutely. - To me... - Given how different you are, you would think it would be impossible for that to exist. But I think, you see, what a lot of the media and the establishment folks who sit around in D.C. and talk to each other don't know-- 'cause they make a lot of money and they-they're hanging around the cocktail parties... âTMa pensive music âTMa People in this country are hurting. People are angry. Got husbands and wives struggling economically. They are angry, and they have a reason to be angry. And what we are trying to do is say, "All right, if you're angry, let's get angry at the right people. Don't get angry at your Latino friends or Muslims. Get angry at the people who caused the problem." I consider him to be a very dangerous human being who is doing enormous harm to this country. And also, as you have heard me say once or twice, um, you know, I think we need a media that allows us to focus on the real issues facing the American people, rather than looking at campaigns as a sport or as a soap opera. Whoo! ÂTMa rousing music âTMa âTMa Donald Trump, he's an outsider. I read his book. And I just like everything he's got to say. He-he's smart. He knows what he's doing. You know, like he says, we need to win. When ev--go to Walmart, everything you see, made in China, everything. Well, that-- how's that helping us? How's that helping us? It's not. Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! He's entertaining. He's fun to watch. Like, you talk to most people about watch a rally or anything, and they're just like, "Yeah." But you hear Donald Trump's coming to Clemson... - Yeah. - ...everybody goes nuts. Trump creates an energy around the election that nobody's ever done, like, in the history of the election. I mean, every day, you see something on-on Twitter about Donald Trump tweeting at somebody. Nd, I mean, e grew up with The Apprentice. I mean, I remember watching that TV show. Like, that's when he had me, 'cause, you know, trying to be CEO one day. So, you know, that's why I have respect for him. He's awesome. Ah, get him out. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks. I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell ya. Donald Trump has crossed the line in a number of places, but it doesn't seem to have damaged him. You know, I think he's been Teflon so far. You have to brand people a certain way when they're your opponents. Like "liddle." L-I-D-D-L-E, liddle. Liddle, liddle Marco. I have never, ever met a person that lies more than Ted Cruz. I think he's a basket case. Can you imagine Jeb negotiating with China? Can you imagine? Donald Trump's picking on all these other contenders and hoping to take them down one by one. ÂTMa somber brooding music âTMa ...nation safer and stronger and freer. I firmly believe the American people must entrust this office to someone who understands that whoever holds it is a servant, not the master. Someone who will commit to that service with honor and decency. Trump! Trump! Trump! Try to get to the raw, real stuff. Interesting characters doing interesting things with high stakes. That's what we have every night here at this table. - That's correct. - Yeah. One take. And six take. We'll be right back. Um, John, could you scooch to your, uh, left? Here, hold this for me. - Here's what makes you happy? - Yes. Do you want me further left or is this okay? Uh, yeah, further's better. You guys are actually in the shot back there in the wide. Patrick? Someone who could destroy the foundation... Can you still get your shot? The Republican Party is in full freak-out mode. You're only seeing two percent of it now. Ninety-eight percent of it's happening behind the scenes. Trump sweeps on Super Tuesday, you're gonna see a freak-out unparalleled. In our careers. Unparalleled. And the 98 % of what's happening behind the scenes is what? Emails, phone calls, meetings, discussions, uh, agonizing at home alone at night about what this will mean for the Republican brand, the Republicans majorities in Congress... - And the future of the party! - And the future of the party. What it means to be a Republican in the 21st century. Yeah, they feel like the house has been burned down to its foundation. Has the establishment simply been too little, too late? Did they slowly wake up to Donald Trump and say, "Oh, my God, he could be our nominee"? ÂTMa rousing dramatic music âTMa âTMa A huge night for Donald Trump, winning seven states. Big wins from Alabama to Vermont. Does this now make him unstoppable? Thank you very much. Thank you. ÂTMa Donald Trump's victory could mean the end of the Republican Party as we know it. ÂTMa omney] Hi, how you guys doing? Hi. Good, how are you? - Good. Hi. - How are you? Good. How are you? Hi, good to meet you. - Good to meet you. - Hi. Thanks. Hey, guys, how you doing? Good to see you. Hi, how are you? - How you doing? - Good. Good to see you. Hi. I'm afraid there's probably not gonna be enough room - for this crew here. - Don't say that. I apologize. Will you please join me in welcoming Governor Mitt Romney. Thank you. I'm not here to announce my candidacy for office. And I'm not going to endorse a candidate today. Instead I'd like to offer my perspective on the nominating process in my party. Back in 19... That's Romney-speak for "I'm about to beat the living shit out of someone." And let me put it very plainly. Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Eilemann] I've been doing this r, you know, 25 years. The idea of a national political party's most recent nominee to stand up and give a speech devoted to attacking the front-runner of the current election is off the hook. He inherited his business. He didn't create it. Dishonesty, the bullying, the absurd third grade theatrics. He's playing the members of the American public for suckers. He gets a free ride to the White House, and all we get is a lousy hat. ÂTMa brooding dramatic music âTMa Romney] I understand the anger Americans feel today. We want to bring America back to the people! Mr. Trump is directing our anger for less than noble purposes. This is the very brand of anger that has led other nations into the abyss. John Adams wrote this: "Remember, democracy never lasts long. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide." The Republican establishment and the candidates who represented the establishment, they've looked up and they've said, "Oh, my God, this is really, actually, potentially happening." Now they've all kind of come to the realization that, "Oh, shit, we should've tried to take this guy out months ago. It might be too late. But it might not be too late." Given the current delegate selection process, that means that I vote for Marco Rubio in Florida and for John Kasich in Ohio and for Ted Cruz or whichever one of the other two contenders has the best chance of beating Mr. Trump in a given state. The Stop Trump forces basically have two weeks. They have from now into-- until Ohio and Florida. If they can't stop him between now and then, they can't stop him. ÂTMa ambient music âTMa At the end of the day, it's getting down to kind of Florida and Ohio. Do you support this idea that to stop Trump, the best course of action for voters is pick whichever candidate is strongest in any state, just from a delegate standpoint? I mean, that was sort of Mitt Romney's... What kind of a question is that? A good question. Tricky question, okay. But I gave you the answer. I'm gonna spend a lot of time in Ohio and I'll bet Mr. Rubio's gonna spend a lot of time in Florida. - That's it. - A voter in Ohio that doesn't want Donald Trump to win Ohio may very well conclude that the best way to stop him in Ohio is to vote for John Kasich, and I respect that. The only one who has a chance to beat Donald Trump in Florida is me. But if you want to stop Donald Trump in Florida, any vote but a vote for me is a vote for Donald Trump. All right, guys. You know, there are a lot of people who like Marco Rubio, who like John Kasich. They're both good, honorable men whom I respect, but neither one of them has any plausible path to the nomination. It's becoming abundantly clear, if you want to defeat Donald Trump, our campaign is the only one who can do it. All right, thank you, everyone. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa eilemann] It's chaos out here. On a snowy debate night in Detroit, madness takes its toll. ÂTMa They're trying to stop Trump. So where will they stop him? Will they stop him with TV ads? Will they stop him in, uh, some caucuses on Saturday? Most likely, they're gonna stop him in the Fox Theatre. ÂTMa And the truth is, there's no other time. This is the time, this is the moment if they're gonna get it done. ÂTMa Senator Rubio, three weeks ago, you said, "I don't do the personal attacks because I think it's beneath the office that I'm seeking but also because I don't want to embarrass my kids." But in the past week, you've mocked Mr. Trump's tan; you've made fun of his spelling; you called him a con artist; you suggested he wet himself. So what happened? Yeah, you know, Bret, let me say something. If there's anyone who's ever deserved to be attacked that way, it's been Donald Trump for the way he's treated people for the last campaign. - Rubio! - Whoo! But let's be honest, too, about all this. The media has given these personal attacks an incredible amount of coverage. Let's start talking again about the issues that matter to this country. I'm ready to do that starting right here, right now, tonight. Mr. Trump, your response? I have to say this. I have to say this. He hit my hands. He referred to my hands, if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there's no problem. I guarantee. Good. Speed, speed. And my guess is, knowing America, they probably like Donald Trump talking about his penis is my guess, given our-- given our country. If the establishment looked at this debate as, like, one of the last chances to derail Trump, they haven't stopped him yet. ÂTMa brooding music âTMa Heilemann] At a campaign rally in Fayetteville, North Carolina, one of the Donald supporters in the audience coldcocked a protester. These don't happen at other candidates' events. The mood in these crowds is-is something that I have not seen in doing this for the past 25 years. I don't think you've ever seen it at a presidential campaign rally. And it happens at almost every Trump event. It's disturbing and weird. His attitude and the campaign's attitude is way too cavalier about it. ÂTMa ...talked directly to his supporters. Uh, so we're gonna find out from Dr. Carson why he specifically wanted to endorse Donald Trump. We did ask about... Uh, you know, the media, they're very skillful at painting people certain ways. And it may not be who that person is at all. They're two different Donald Trumps. There's the one you see on the stage, and there's the one who's very cerebral, sits there, and considers things very carefully. You can have a very good conversation with him. And that's the Donald Trump that you're gonna start seeing more and more of. Okay. Yes? No, it's-it's-it's politics. And it's fact. Let-let me just tell you. We've had some violent people as protesters. You know, they're not just people saying, "Oh..." These are people that punch. And-and the particular one when I said, "I'd like to bang him," he was swinging; he was hitting people; and the audience hit back. And that's what we need a little bit more of. All right, a couple of more and we'll get out of here. ÂTMa dark music âTMa It is our duty to fight for our freedom! Get 'em out. Troublemakers. Get 'em out of here. Young, spoiled kids. Stop the hate! Stop the hate! ÂTMa tense music âTMa We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of protesters on hand. We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! The security does not have a handle on the situation here. We gonna be all right! We gonna be all right! Tonight's rally will be postponed until another day. Thank you very much for your attendance. Please go in peace. We stopped Trump! We stopped Trump! ÂTMa tense music builds âTMa âTMa man] This is becoming violent. There is pushing and shoving going on inside this arena. It is total chaos. ÂTMa Donald Trump joins me. I'm now live on the phone. Mr. Trump, do you believe that you have done anything to create a tone where this kind of violence would be encouraged? Do you re-- you regret saying any of those things about punching protesters, sending them out on stretchers? ÂTMa ambient music âTMa âTMa Donald Trump has created a toxic environment. Donald Trump has got to be loud and clear and tell his supporters that violence at rallies is not what America is about and to end it. And, you know, as we campaign, we have protesters. But unlike Donald Trump, I don't ask people in the audience to punch them in the face. Trump] I will call up Carrier, he president. 'Cause I have to do it myself. I know it's not-- Trump! Trump! Trump! And to think I had such an easy life. What do I need this for, right? USA! USA! USA! USA! Realize that, win or lose, there are people out there that see what I'm doing and follow it as a role model. And I can't imagine an election more consequential than this one. We're not just choosing what political party wins. We're choosing what it means to be a conservative in the 21st century. ÂTMa somber music âTMa âTMa Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service? Somebody with strong views and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular-- which may be right but may be unpopular-- wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile. And that's a sad commentary for the political process. Donald Trump is sounding more like a politician these days than America's most grandiose and controversial builder. They can presume whatever they want. I have no intention of running for president, but I'd like the point to get across that we have a great country, but it's not gonna be great for long if we're gonna continue to lose $200 billion a year. You're gonna get into the early '90s, 1990, 1991, and the whole thing's gonna blow. Here's the fundamental question. Is the pop culture in this country more influential now than its institutions? ÂTMa brooding music âTMa Voters are fed up with both parties. They're looking for new choices. And if the American people are presented a viable, different choice, they may just take it. Mr. Stone? Gentlemen, how are you? Good to see you, sir. - Nice to see you. - This is an incredible place. - Come on in. - Let's go in. - And what is this? - This is the bunker. - The bunker. - The bunker. This is the-- this is the Stone Zone. Uh... oh, my God. ÂTMa lively pensive music âTMa âTMa Roger Stone is an American original. In some ways, larger than life. Larger than life and darker than night. Nixon. Seventy-two campaign. You were involved in that campaign. Yes, I was the youngest member of The Committee to Re-Elect the President staff. Right, and-and, famously, you were engaged in various dirty tricks or what people would call dirty tricks-- Allegedly. Alleg-allegedly. Roger was, for decades, the equivalent of Karl Rove to Donald Trump. Trump brought in Corey Lewandowski. Corey and Roger clashed. And... Roger was exiled. Roger was exiled. May I pick this up? Is that all right? Yes, you certainly may. Um, it says, "'Try me' feature on back." Probably on the back of the doll. I have no choice but to tell you, you're fired. The next president of the United States. You're fired. Is it the case now that you're-- you are not speaking to him? - No, we speak occasionally. - You do. When you say "occasionally," you mean you speak to him, like, with what frequency? - I'm curious, like daily? - We're--we're on-- - We're on friendly terms. - Hourly? From time to time. ÂTMa ambient tone âTMa You'd ac--accept the notion of politics as basically like a fight for survival, right? It's a context, but yes. Right, right, right. - Kill or be killed. - Yes. And Trump's a brawler. I mean, there's nothing off-limits. There'll be no Marquess de Queensberry rules here. He had an incredible ability to, at every phase of the race, when someone has seemed to be the threat that he was worried about... Yes. - To find the one element... - Yes. ...of their psyche, distill it to a single thing. "Jeb Bush is low-energy." "Liddle Marco." - Whatever it is. - Yes. Yes. And just pummel, pummel that person. Yeah, 'cause he's used the same kind-- he's used the exact same, uh-uh-uh, technique in business. Look, this whole thing's a high-wire act. That's why it's so interesting. That's why people are tuning in. 'Cause it's genuine. It's not predetermined. Everything he's saying isn't pre-tested. So, uh, yeah, it's a-- you know, he's like-- it's like, you know, dealing with live ammunition. Passengers ran in panic after a bomb exploded in the departures area of Brussels international airport Tuesday morning. Suicide bombers struck that location. And authorities are digging for whatever possible terror connections they may have. These are the men Belgian prosecutors say were responsible... National security's gonna be a big issue. You and Hillary Clinton are both way ahead in delegates now, so let's say it's a general election between the two of you. She was the Secretary of State, nation's chief diplomat. You're a businessman and-and hosted a TV show. How do you win that argument at a time of national security crisis? I think we'll win it because I think people will see I'm much more competent than she is. But how do you prove to people-- I think I'm much smarter than she is. I think I'm much more competent than she is. When'd you learn about what happened in Brussels? How did--like, just what happened? - Like, what was that-- - I received a call. And then I turned on the television. - Like, 5 a.m.? - Uh, pretty early, maybe six. Your friend--your friend knows to call you that early. - Eh. - That's a good friend. They know I'm not a big sleeper. - Yeah. - And I saw what happened. And I turned on the television, saw what happened. Said, "Here we go." Here we go. Trump] Come on, let's walk over. Okay. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa âTMa You got the call from your friend this morning. You already were scheduled to do a bunch of morning show interviews by phone. Did you consult anybody about what to say? - No. - Did you talk to anybody--no? No, I don't have to consult. Look, I say it from my heart and my brain. - Right. - It's not just heart. It's heart and brain. And that's what I do. So you just say what you want to say? I say what I think is appropriate. Who are you thinking about more these days: Cruz and Kasich or Clinton? - Clinton. - Clinton. You know, I think I'm gonna do very well against, uh, I call them the leftovers. And I think I'm gonna do very well. And we'll see what happens. You think she's afraid of you? The last person she wants to run against is me. But do you think she's-- And I know that from her people. I know that for a fact. The last person she wants to run against. What are her people doing talking to you - about that? - They tell me-- Do you remember the last time you talked to Hillary or Bill Clinton? A long time ago. And you got mutual friends? Oh, I have people. You know, I grew up in New York. - Yeah. - And they were in New York. But it's been a long time. Just throw your mind back for a second, all right? You invited them to your wedding. - Right? Okay. - Mm-hmm. Uh, is-is that-- were you guys actually-- did you feel like, at that time, you were actually friends and friendly, or was that just all kind of make-believe? I have been considered a world-class businessman. - I'm all over the world. - Right. I will invite important people to my wedding because oftentimes you need those people. When you're doing deals, when you're doing deals in other countries and you need approvals from this country to do deals in other countries, it's good to have relationships. So there was no warmth between you then? - But you-- - Even then, you weren't old-- you're not--if you weren't friendly then... Eh, friendly. A little bit friendly. - It was just-- - They were nice. I was nice. - But it's business. - Right. You know, the old thing, the old story. It's not personal. It's just business. That's a mafia saying, but, you know. - It's all right. - That's all right? Yeah, it happens to be true. You had "low-energy Jeb." You had "liddle Marco." You got "lying' Ted." What are you gonna say for Hillary? Well, I have a name for her, but I'm not gonna use it yet. - Oh, come on! Come on! - You got--you know what it is? You know what it is? Give us a hint. We have plenty. We knocked out plenty. Is it-is it "something" Hillary? At least one. How long do you think it'll be, Mr. President, before there's a first husband? Not long. Not long. I think there'll be a-- A woman will be elected president probably in my lifetime. I certainly--I hope that a woman will have a chance to run. Would you raise your right hand, please? Hillary Clinton's march to the presidency has been going on for decades. Former senator. Madam Secretary, please raise your right hand. She's a former Secretary of State. ÂTMa rousing pensive music âTMa There has never been any man or woman more qualified for this office than Hillary Clinton. The stakes in this election just keep getting higher and higher, while the rhetoric on the other side keeps getting lower and lower. She's probably weathered more attacks than any candidate in the history of U.S. politics. She's been burned by the press a lot. It's understandable why she and her campaign would be protective and reluctant to open up more. You know, I think she's got skin probably as thick as a rhinoceros at this point. There's not a lot of new things you can throw at Hillary Clinton that she hasn't seen. Although Donald Trump might be the first. Today, as we sit here, do you think most likely Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee? - Yes. - Yes. Yes. Tell me, like, an anecdote or a moment where you went from "no" to "maybe." When he attacked McCain. A mere mortal would-- could not have survived that. Well, that's what I was gonna say, was it the attack-- The attack. Doubling down on it. - Right. - And... - And then... - ...rising. A week later, when it was not the beginning of the end, I was like, "Oh. This is something different." Yeah. Because it showed he had balls? It showed that he was not subject to the normal rules? Yes. Not subject to the normal--yeah. I think, on the Republican side, he, uh, has been vexing to them in being able to control the debate. Right. Do you think he could do that in a general election against you? - Why? - That-that will be-- Our job will be to make sure that doesn't happen. But why would it be harder for him to control it against you? Well, I think he now has higher unfavorabilities than virtually any other likely nominee in history. Statistic-statistically true, but again, John-John made the argument, which is think is correct, which he has frustrated his rivals... Absolutely. ...by getting a lot of coverage. The Republicans didn't figure that out. Is he suitable to be commander in chief? What do you think? Do you--well, do you guys-- What do you think? You're an o-o-observer. You've watched what a president actually does. I think I have faith in the American people to make a decision about who's fit to be commander in chief. Do you think he might be more shrewd than you give him credit for or used to give him credit for? This is what is dangerous in politics is when we focus on the process and not on the substance. You can call it shrewd. You can call it brilliant. I don't care what you call it and I don't care how "brilliant" it is. It's really bad! And I think there's a point at which, you know, the-the-the race is gonna come into relief. You're gonna have two candidates. And the voters are gonna get serious. And it won't be a game anymore. Ted Cruz suspended his campaign last night after... Everything in Donald's world losing to Trump by double digits in the Indiana primary. ...is about a narcissist at a level I don't think this country's ever seen. Look, this country has never been great when we fight with one another. ÂTMa somber music âTMa âTMa After a contentious primary, Donald Trump is under pressure to bring his party together. The question for Donald Trump is whether he can leave this convention with at least having an energized Republican base. If he can't, it'll be much harder for him to really compete against Hillary Clinton. ÂTMa suspenseful music âTMa âTMa Let us commence the call of the roll of the states. What do you say that we unify this party at this crucial moment when unity is everything? ÂTMa The great state of Alabama is proud to cast 36 votes for the next president, Donald J. Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! We want Trump! California, that is 100 % rock-solid pro-Trump. And 11 votes for my friend and the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump! I have the incredible honor to watch what my father has done in creating this movement-- because it's not a campaign anymore, it's a movement. And it is my honor to be able to throw Donald Trump over the top in the delegate count tonight with 89 delegates. Congratulations, Dad! We love you! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! ÂTMa upbeat atmospheric music âTMa âTMa I formally declare Donald J. Trump and Michael R. Pence the Republican nominees for president and vice president of these United States. ...and unify South Carolina... Great job, man, great! Thank you. Thank you. It was awesome. - Great job. - Thank you guys. - I am so proud! - Everything went well? Good to see you. It went well. I'm so proud of you. - I'll see you tonight. - We'll see you in a little bit. A bunch of these people who now say they're never Trump are gonna be Trump. They're gonna be Trump in August or September, maybe October, maybe even some of them in November. And I'm getting that feeling here tonight. They're either gonna be for Trump, or they're not gonna be in the Republican Party. Yeah. 'Cause it's his Republican Party now. Oh, come on, that's ridiculous. There's still dozens of people walking around here saying... There are. There are. ..."I'm not for him." But here's the reality that's setting in. Roll call's happened. It's done. There's, like, no more... Yeah, I know he's the nominee, Mark, I get that. I get that, but there-- the fact is, there are still, like, many-- people you've worked for who wouldn't come here - under any scenario. - Oh, I know. There's a reason John McCain's not here. We don't disagree with that. There's a reason George W. Bush is not here. There's a reason that your friends from the Bush White House are walking around here saying it's the most depressing night of their lives. - Yes. I don't-- - So, like, so-- let's not pretend like everyone's now suddenly like, "Oh, it's all great, it's all good." But people are feeling it. This is our nominee. ÂTMa tense music âTMa You guys are all--you guys are higher than I am right now. ÂTMa I believe from-- my one person told me that Cru--Ted Cruz is going to surprise-endorse Trump at the convention tonight in his speech. I asked Kellyanne to confirm it. - And I said I cannot. - She declined. She declined with her mouth. Kellyanne, your eyes right now are confirming it. What are you talking-- what are you-- Like, why-why play these games? There's no way for me--I'm not in the position to confirm that. ÂTMa If you love our country and love your children as much as I know that you do... Come on! Say it! Say it, Ted! Stand and speak and vote your conscience. Vote for candidates up and down the ticket who you trust to defend our freedom and to be faithful to the Constitution. Come on, Ted! Come on, Ted! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! ÂTMa We will unite the party. And God bless the United States of America. We are live at the Republican Convention in Cleveland, and another night and another wow! We haven't seen anything like this before. We have not. Ladies and gentlemen, this was, uh-- wow, that was some discord. Security escorting Cruz's wife, Heidi, out of the arena. What's your message to Senator Cruz supporters who heard their candidate not endorse Donald Trump? No--yeah, what's their campaign message? I-I'm sure you already answered this, but... That's a pretty big smile, sir. Wow, that's a pretty big smile there, Paul. - Big smile. - I'm smiling with him. We're reading your body language, though. I'm smiling, but which is it? Did you foster that or not? Did that play the way you wanted it to? Look, I mean, I think the delegates were very disappointed. ÂTMa ominous music âTMa I still don't actually-- don't know what happened. ÂTMa USA! USA! USA! When I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order to our country. I am your voice! Hillary Clinton's message is that things will never change, never ever. My message is that things have to change, and they have to change right now. God bless you, and good night. I love you. ÂTMa I think the convention was a tremendous success. There was love in that room, I'll tell you what. There was tremendous love in the room. Uh, you look at the unity. I mean, take a look at Ted Cruz. He got booed off the stage. I've never seen anything like it. - To tweak him? - Yeah. I would never do a thing like that. - But yes. - Yeah, yeah, so... - Well, I understand television. - Yeah. But nobody's a great producer 'cause there's always an element of luck. Right, I think this: I walk in, and the arena went crazy. Right. Because there's great unity in the Republican Party, and people don't know it. Had I not walked in, I think that audience would have ripped him off the stage. You know, this "Never Trump" was-was fiction. That was in somebody's mind, mostly the media's mind. It never had a chance. No, I-I think it's gonna be a very boring convention. ÂTMa ambient music âTMa âTMa In an electric night here at the DNC, the crowd seems more unified with the bigotry and the bombast. America is great because America is good. Hillary Clinton makes history becoming the first woman U.S. presidential nominee ever, shattering a new glass ceiling. But can she break through the public's image of her? Hillary Clinton has had a difficult relationship with the truth. Perhaps not more than conventional politicians, but there now is 30 years of baggage. ÂTMa Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump hired Stephen Bannon of Breitbart News as CEO. But Bannon has a special zeal for the Clintons. Breitbart News has taken every available shot to complicate her candidacy... The mailbox says, "Fox News, Stone" right here. This is it. I have an excellent rapport with Steve Bannon. Yeah. And Bannon is my kind of guy. He's a bomb thrower. He thinks outside the box. If Donald Trump runs a conventional Republican campaign, he will lose. Right. What is Steve Bannon doing in the campaign? - Laying low. - Yeah. He never worked on a campaign, right? No, but, uh, John Mitchell never ran a campaign either, but he elected Richard Nixon president. I've never seen the voters this angry or this sour - or this distrustful. - Right. What's different about this cycle is, they've caught on to the role of the mainstream media, echoing, magnifying, and distorting, uh, facts on behalf of the political establishment. So just because something's on TV now-- CNN, CBS, whatever-- they don't necessarily believe it. Bannon, he brings, uh, a much better sense of the new media and the importance of the new media. Uh, and he knows the ent-- the entire Clinton oeuvre in terms of research. Right. - You have three, uh, debates. - Right. He could come at her anywhere. Will one of her husband's rape victims be in the audience? Is that a possibility? Are you just throwing that out there, or is that a... Just a--well, I mean, I-I-- I don't know that that's going to happen. - Yeah. - But--but it certainly could. I mean, the worst thing in politics than being wrong is to be worried. Right. The stakes could not be any higher for this debate. Ninety minutes that could change the race. New poll shows Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in a near dead heat. Clinton is leading by just two percentage points in the latest... Welcome to the media circus! I'm a metaphor! - Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. Okay. ÂTMa Thanks. How are you? There's a beer trailer out there. I don't know-- did you see that? It's--I--people are pre-partying at the presidential debate. Who gets drunk at the presidential debate? Everybody but us, I guess. It's like a tailgate out there. What are we, like, a couple of losers? It's hard to imagine that nothing's gonna happen in this debate, right, that people are gonna go, "Oh, that was a dud." But it could happen, I guess. I don't know. Here's the reason why I question that just a little. When I asked him that first question at the first presidential debate Fox News hosted about the women. You've called women you don't like "fat pigs," "dogs," "slobs"... Trump thought he could dismiss it with a laugh about Rosie O'Donnell. - Right. - And I kept pressing. And that's when he got mad. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. I've been very nice to you, although I could probably maybe not be based on the way you have treated me. And I know he's been told by everybody to keep it together and not let her bait him. And Trump's not stupid. - You know, I mean... - Yeah, yeah. He wants this. He likes to win. So that's if it could be... So if he--if he's convinced that that's the way to win, I mean, I think he can keep his powder dry for 90 minutes. And if he does, it might be boring. - Either way, we're gonna win... - Yeah. ...'Cause boring or electric... There's gonna be a lot of people watching. - Everyone's gonna watch. - You're right. Yes. He's gonna give us a ton of stuff to talk about. And if it's electric, so much the better 'cause that'll keep us fueled for weeks. We have so many things that we have to do better, Lester. We have no leadership. And honestly, that starts with Secretary Clinton. I have a feeling, by the end of this evening, I'm to be blamed for everything that's ever happened. Why not? Why not? Yeah. Why not? I've been all over the place. You decided to stay home, and that's okay. I think Donald just criticized me for preparing for this debate. And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president, and I think that's a good thing. Mr. Trump, this year, Secretary Clinton became the first woman nominated for president by a major party. Earlier this month, you said she doesn't have "a presidential look." What did you mean by that? Uh, she doesn't have the look. She doesn't have the stamina. This is a man who has called women "pigs," "slobs," and "dogs." One of the worst things he said was about a woman in a beauty contest. He called this woman "Miss Piggy," then he called her "Miss Housekeeping" because she was Latina. - Donald, she has a name. - Where did you find-- - Her name is Alicia Machado. - Where did you find this? - Where did you find it? - And she has become a U.S. citizen and you can bet... - Oh, really? - ...she's going to vote - This November. - Okay, good. All right, well, that is going to do it for us. That concludes our debate for this evening. That debate did not want for electric moments. That's for sure, Bret. There's no--no one, I believe, will judge this as having been a loss for Hillary Clinton. This was clearly Hillary Clinton on the attack, issue after issue after issue. She certainly looked more presidential. She showed much more of a mastery of issues. I think everybody pretty much agrees that Trump was just awful. Follow me. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump. How are you, sir? Congratulations on getting through your first presidential debate. - I liked it. - What'd you--what'd you think? I thought it was great. I really enjoyed it. It's about making America great again. So I think it came out very good, Mark. Of the objectives you had going in tonight, which ones did you achieve? Which ones did you fail to achieve? I think I achieved. I mean, I'm looking at all the online polls, and we're doing very well. We're really doing well. Um, I think I achieved. Now people are talking about how you did, how she did. What do you think the proper role for the media is now at this point, and what will the role be? All I wish the media would be is fair. Uh, you know, everyone's saying I won the debate. But hones-- I just want them to be fair. That includes you. Hey, John, throw it back to you. Uh, Donald Trump continues to walk the line, and we're gonna go chase after him. Did he say, "Everyone is saying I won the debate"? Well done, brother. An] Let me ask you a question. Who thinks Trump won the debate last night? ÂTMa brooding music âTMa âTMa Last night was very exciting. Winning the debate against crooked Hillary Clinton, big league. Big league. The single weapon that she's got is the media. Without the mainstream media, she wouldn't even be here, folks. That I can tell you. She wouldn't even be here. ÂTMa There is some breaking news right now. David Fahrenthold of The Washington Post got his hands on a tape, uh, from 2005 of Donald Trump. Took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, "I'll show you where they have some nice furniture." Whoa. That's huge news here. Whatever you want. The Trump campaign was already in free fall. Ever since the last debate, it's been one self-inflicted wound after another. But this really takes it to another level. The worst October surprise that any campaign has ever suffered. ÂTMa pensive rousing music âTMa âTMa I think there's an acknowledgement inside the Trump campaign that they don't know how their candidate can survive this. They're in DEFCON 2 right now. I've never said I'm a perfect person nor pretended to be someone that I'm not. I've said and done things I regret. And the words released today on this more-than-a-decade-old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me knows these words don't reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong, and I apologize. I've said some foolish things, but there's a big difference between the words and actions of other people. Bill Clinton has actually abused women and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed, and intimidated his victims. That wasn't an apology. That was like the Pee-wee Herman defense: "I know you are, but what am I?" The party right now is "flipping out." A growing list of congressional Republicans withdrawing support. Some are demanding that Trump drop out of the race. ÂTMa dark music âTMa He's indicated in the past, "If the Republican Party is not with me, then they're against me." And his base of support is with him on that. Go ahead! USA! USA! USA! USA! On Twitter, Trump said, "I will never drop out of the race. Will never let my supporters down." Whoo! Donald J. Trump! We will discuss this more in the coming days. See you at the debate on Sunday. ÂTMa Are we-- are we rolling? Just getting in some videotape. Uh, look at this. These are women who have made very strong accusations against Bill Clinton. There you see in the middle of your screen Donald Trump... Mr. Trump may have said some bad words, but Bill Clinton raped me. And Hillary Clinton threatened me. Donald Trump has just put his finger on the nuclear button and pressed it. ÂTMa brooding string music âTMa âTMa Mr. Trump, you bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that? No, I didn't say that at all. I don't think you understood what was said. This was locker room talk. Uh, I'm not proud of it. I apologized to my family. I have tremendous respect for women. Have you ever done those things? And women have respect for me. And I will tell you-- no, I have not. ÂTMa If guys are gonna say they don't talk like that, they're lying. Did you ever get a group of women ar--together? They're worse than the men. ÂTMa He had the power. He has the prestige. Why wouldn't you take a little advantage? ÂTMa I'm not voting for the pope. I don't care what he said 11 years ago. ÂTMa Claims that he inappropriately touched two women in the past... And his hands started going up my skirt. He just came strolling right in. Some girls were topless. Other girls were naked. A ninth woman is now accusing Donald Trump of sexual misconduct. He gave me another embrace and did touch my vagina through my underwear. These vicious claims about me are totally and absolutely false. They're taking these unsubstantiated-- no witnesses--putting them on the front pages of newspapers! They're outright lies. She's got the whole media behind her. Everything's a setup. This is about the liberal media trying to keep Trump from becoming president. Anyone who challenges their control is deemed a sexist, a racist, a xenophobe. Things that come out of Donald Trump's mouth are disgusting. They will attack you. Deplorable and awful. They will slander you. - Creepy. - They will lie. Donald Trump is going to lose this election. - Lie. - The race is over. They're horrible, horrible liars. It's a rigged system. It's a rigged election. It's not coincidence that these attacks come at the exact same moment as WikiLeaks releases documents exposing the massive international corruption of the Clinton machine. Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! So true. ÂTMa dramatic music âTMa The Clinton presidential campaign is facing more problems over emails today... A steady stream of leaked emails keep coming from WikiLeaks. U.S. intelligence officials say the hacks came from Russia. What's really important about WikiLeaks is that the Russian government has engaged in espionage against Americans in an effort to influence our election. Look, Putin... Oh, but-wait-- ...from everything I see, has no respect for this person. Well, that's because he'd rather have a puppet as president of the United States. No puppet. No puppet. - And it's pretty clear-- - You're the puppet. It's pretty clear you won't admit that... No, you're the puppet. ..The Russians have engaged in cyber attacks against the United States of America because he has a very clear favorite in this race. Mr. Trump, you have been warning at rallies recently that this election is rigged. Do you make the commitment that you will absolutely-- sir--that you will absolutely accept the result of this election? I will look at it at the time. Are you saying you're not prepared now to commit to that principle? What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. It is a disqualifying comment to say you will not accept the results of American democracy, the beacon of democracy the world over. Lights-out moment for him. This is very sad night for the country. Um, you can't polish this turd. There's Kellyanne. How's it going? Oh, great! How are you? Was that the answer he was supposed to give on that question? He had a lot of great answers tonight. That one that everybody's paying attention to. - When--and he said-- - Why-why--how does that happen? I'm just curious, 'cause I'm not a reporter. How does it happen that everybody hears the same 90-minute debate and everybody obsesses over the one thing he says-- Because we've never had a major party nominee who says, "I may not accept the results." Well, sure you did. You had Al Gore. That was after the election. Well, but that's--maybe that's his entire point, Mark. But earlier today, you, Mike Pence, and Ivanka Trump all said, "Of course he'll accept the results." So that's different than the answer he gave. We all said absent widespread irregularities or evidence of fraud or abuse. And rolling now. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa We all agreed he had to do something big tonight. Does anybody here think he did that? No. I think, if anything, just the opposite. The WikiLeaks disclosures from the Podesta emails have been going around now for over a week. And we still don't know-- and there's mixed opinion about this-- the people who are releasing these, trying to win the election for Trump or they're just trying to create chaos. Yeah, chaos and discord. The irony is, if the election is undermined, at this point, the chances are more--are better that it's by Russia than by anybody else. ÂTMa soft suspenseful music âTMa âTMa So Donald Trump, last night, he-he brought up a number of things that have been revealed by the WikiLeaks, uh, email hacking. Yes. Yes. You, Roger Stone, have said, I believe, on multiple occasions publicly, that you have back channel to Assange. - Correct? - Mm-hmm. We just happen to have a mutual friend who-- You "happen to have" a mutual friend? Yes, who supported Assange and has some connection to him. But how aware of all this is Trump? Have you discussed WikiLeaks with him? - I have not. - Not once? - Not once. - Never? In any of your private conversations, not once? - Not once. Not once. - You have no idea. So the U.S. intelligence community "is confident that the Russian government directed the recent compromises of emails from U.S. persons and institutions, including from U.S. political organizations." - So I-- - Show us the proof. You don't believe it? No, I don't believe it. Why does Donald Trump suck up to Putin so much? Because he favors a period-- Why does he do-- why does he do that? Because he favors a period of détente. If Nixon and Brezhnev can make a deal, then perhaps Trump and Putin can make a deal You-your view is that American voters, when Trump sucks up to Putin, they think, "Yeah, we like that. That's good." I think they like peace over war. So Trump is not only the candidate of the silent majority, the forgotten Americans, the candidate of law and order, but he is also the candidate of peace. So at this moment, it's October 20th... Yes. What needs to happen for Donald Trump to be president? I would concede that, in my belief, Mrs. Clinton is probably slightly ahead. But Trump is Trump. He's good in the clutch, and he could still eke this out under the right sequence of events. Trump may need some brakes, but to say that he's out of it? Over? Did you say over? Right. Right. Nothing's over till we say it is. Okay. This has been excellent. You'll edit out all the good shit. Come on, dude, you think I'm in charge of that? Some other liberal is. For you, Roger, fuckin' Attila the Hun is liberal. True. ÂTMa dramatic music âTMa We've got some breaking news I want to bring to our viewers right now. A new possible investigation by the FBI into Hillary Clinton's emails. In a letter to members of Congress, Director Comey said the FBI has learned of the existence of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation. The director himself has said he doesn't know whether the emails referenced in his letter are significant or not. He has-- this is not the way the Justice Department is supposed to work. This is a case of great public interest, I get that. But you're not supposed to be trying cases in public like this. So irresponsible. Eleven days before the election. So irresponsible. The question to me now... Just this morning, I was saying that it would take some catastrophic external event to change the trajectory of this race. This could be it. Republicans are going to bludgeon her with this over the next 11 days. As you know, the FBI has reopened its investigation into Hillary Clinton. ÂTMa ambient music âTMa This is the last Friday before Election Day. And here we are in the inner sanctum. This it the Trump campaign headquarters in Trump Tower. Roll on fuckin' everything. Look, the rooms are named after Trump properties. ÂTMa pensive music âTMa This seems more like a quiet Manhattan law firm than it does like a bustling campaign. Oh, look at this. This is awesome. This is a space I've not been in. I don't think very many people have been in. This is the entrance to the residence of Trump Tower so this is where Mr. Trump comes in his lobby, maybe gets the mail. - Thank you, man. - Hey, thank you very much. - It's awesome. - Hey, good to see you. Really appreciate it. Thank you. Campaigns, they're always gonna act upbeat. The key is body language. Frankly, everyone I talk to in the Trump campaign has a big smile on their face. Is that 'cause they have momentum and they feel on the upswing? Is it because they're bluffing? I don't know. BOY: I never... Um... Before I started... Where's Mr. Charles? With Harry. Oh, he may be on the stage by now. Mr. Charles, he down there? Charlie. Okay. She'll drop the paternity suit. I just talked to her lawyers, she'll settle. -No. -What? Well, just listen. She'll take $1 50,000. And that's nothing, not compared to a trial. She says you did it at Christmas when she came to your house. -Morning, Mary. -Good morning. Kid, I've been making deals for you all our lives. I've never made one this good. It was over long before Christmas. lt can't be my child. Just get it out of the way. I can't do that. I've got Oona to think of now. Syd, I've got to prove my innocence. Look, I'm all for proving your innocence, kid. But how? Go back to them. I beg you. Get them to agree to a blood test. LAWYER: So that night when you went to his house, did you and Mr. Chaplin have sexual relations? Doesn't it look like it? (chuckling) Never mind what it looks like. Did you have sexual relations with Mr. Chaplin? She just said she did. Why else would she agree to the blood tests? The next morning he just called a cab. Paid me off. He wanted somebody younger, classier. Didn't he? (TELEPHONE ringing) Hello. Yes. Yes, thank you. It's all over. The blood test prove it's not my baby. (sighing) (MURMURlNG) Right, let's just forget all this new-fangled rubbish about blood tests. Let's put it out of our minds. His Honor has ruled them inadmissible. What is important now is the financial future of this poor child. It is her future the state of California is here to protect. (chuckling) lt makes me mad to watch the way this fellow tries to put it over us simpletons. This great star of stage and screen, this alien, who has enjoyed the hospitality of our country for nearly 30 years without ever once, ever once, deigning to apply forAmerican citizenship. But what good has all this money done Chaplin? Wasting his substance in debauching girls. What good has it done the country? This is the kind of stuff that makes for communism. Now my client, on the other hand, is, alas, no more moral than Chaplin. Yes. Yes. They're both equally guilty. Only, Chaplin is old enough to be her father. Prowling around with girls that age. Members of the jury, use your God-given common sense, and just look at this man. This cheap, Cockney cad. This little tramp. And then take a very good look at innocent little Carol Ann. I defy you not to see the resemblance. Gentlemen and ladies, (LAUGHING) wives and mothers around the country are watching you. Watching to see you stop Chaplin in his tracks. You'll sleep well the night you give this baby a name. The night you show this lecher that the law means him as well as the bums on skid row. REPORTER: It's a star-studded evening here. Here is Charlie Chaplin with his lovely wife, Oona. There goes Mrs. Chaplin, looking gorgeous this evening on the arm of her famous husband... (ORCHESTRA playing SLOW music) Are you a communist, Mr. Chaplin? -Are you a fellow traveler? -Mr. Chaplin... Are you going to attend the McCarthy hearing? -Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please. -Mr. Chaplin... Mr. Chaplin has repeatedly said he'll go whenever they call him. (ALL shouting) And even... Even if there were only one communist in the state department, even if there were only one communist in the state department, that would still be one communist too many. (cheering) McCARTHY: Mr. Lawson, are you a member of the Communist Party or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? LAWSON: It's unfortunate and tragic that I have to teach this committee -the basic principles ofAmericanism. -McCARTHY: That's not the question. That's not the question. The question is, have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? LAWSON: I'm framing my answer in the only way in which any American citizen can frame his answer to a question which absolutely invades his... McCARTHY: Then you refuse to answer that question, is that correct? LAWSON: I have told you that I will offer my beliefs... -l have written Americanism... -McCARTHY: Stand away from the stand! -...for many years and I shall continue... -Stand away from the stand! ...to fight for the Bill of Rights which you are seeking to destroy. McCARTHY: Officer, take this man away from the stand. I'd love to get away for a while, darling. Maybe after this bundle arrives we could take the children and go. Sir. We've just got word. Chaplin's off to London on vacation. (ship HORN blowing) -OONA: KK. -Mummy, Mummy. OONA: Where did you leave Mr. Chaplin? -We left him back there at the stern. -Mummy. It's all right, darling. Charlie. What? What is it, sweetheart? is it Syd? No. What is it? They've thrown you out. Thrown me out? Thrown me out of what? OfAmerica. I'm so sorry. (stammering) -l can't go back? -No. (sighing) Charlie. CHAPLIN: There are nights it's still hard being in exile. GEORGE: I'm sure they wouldn't refuse you a visa now, Charles. (TELEPHONE ringing) Have you never thought of going back? -Why don't we all go inside? -CHAPLIN: I have everything I need right here. -But it's cold. -CHAPLIN: I like the cold. -l have to go anyway. -CHAPLIN: Telephone. Charlie, I heard the first three rings, thank you. No, George, in answer to your question. I'm used to invitations. Ah, yes. Well, it's been a long day, Charlie. Yes. You must be very tired. Come on, George, finish it off. Hmm? The question mark. What's it all about? You mean that? Yes. Well, it was a personal matter, really. Nothing relevant. Tell me. All right. The madness. I just wondered, how much did it affect you? What makes you think it did? -Well, your mother was certified insane... -Yes. ...and your grandmother was certified insane as well, and... Yes. That's not what dogged me, George. lt wasn't that. It was... lt was the knowledge that if you did what I did for a living, if you were a clown, and you had a passion to tell a particular kind of story, something beyond, but you only have the one chance to get it right. And I never did. One never does. But you know that. That's not the problem. It's when you feel you're getting really close but you can't make it the rest of the way. You're not good enough. You're not complete enough. And despite all your fantasies, you're second-rate. Charlie. Human. That's very hard. Why didn't you add that? It's not important, really. End of the day, you're not judged by what you didn't do, but by what you did. And I didn't change things, I just... He just cheered people up. (chuckling) Not bad, that. OONA: Charlie? Charlie? Charlie, dear. I dreamed I was answering questions for George. Silly. Charlie, that was California calling again. You really do have to give them an answer. No. They took 20 years to make up their mind, -l can take another afternoon. -Enough. Enough! Mmm... What if they still hate me? Oh. ANNOUNCER: Live from Los Angeles, the 44th annual Academy Awards presentation. (sighing SOFTLY) Suppose they start throwing things. Now that would be a story. You never know on the stage. Hmm, I can see the headlines now. "Amazing incident At Academy Awards. "Chaplin Disappears UnderAvalanche Of Oscars." JACK LEMMON: Mr. Walter Matthau. Oh, look, darling, it's Walter. Does that make you happy? -No. -Crabby. Oh, I should never have let them show those film clips. I never... People won't like them. They'll think they're old. Well, they are old. Well over 50 years, some of them. Mmm... You know the worst thing about age, you can't defend yourself. (sighing) When I was young, handsome, had my power, if they came after me, I'd make a movie and make them laugh and I'd make them cry. Now I'm at their mercy. (knocking AT DOOR) -Come in. -Go away. We're ready for you, Mr. Chaplin. LEMMON: This is a historic milestone in the life of the Academy. Behave yourself. I would like to present the President of the Academy, Mr. Daniel Taradash. Now remember, the President of the Academy, Mr. Daniel Taradash. -Taradash? -Yes. Sounds like a spice. TARADASH: The inscription reads, "To Charles Chaplin, "for the incalculable effect he has had in making motion pictures "the art form of this century. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) "Humor heightens our sense of survival and preserves our sanity." These are the words of Charlie Chaplin. The abiding elements of Chaplin's artistic conscience as actor, writer, director, and to quote W.C. Fields, "The greatest ballet dancer that ever lived." A few years ago, Mr. Chaplin said, "My only enemy is time." We respectfully disagree. I'm going to leave you here, darling. My white dress, remember? They mustn't see anyone till the clips are over. -Mmm. -Mmm. TARADASH: ...some unfathomable future on some faraway star. Time is Charlie Chaplin's dearest and eternal friend. And here is the proof. Watch, remember, rejoice. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MOUTHlNG) I love you, Charlie. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (inaudible) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) What is it? Cheetah must be seeing things. What is it, Tarzan? What is it? Strange sound in sky. Big. Far off. - I don't hear anything. - Tarzan hear. - Cheetah hear. Elephants hear. - I hear it. - It's like a great wind coming. - There! Sounds like it's going to land. White men no longer make safari. Come through sky like vultures. - Tarzan send men away. - We'll see it. Boy stay. Tarzan's right, darling. You better come with me. Why doesn't Tarzan want strangers on the escarpment, Mother? Because he loves us and wants to protect us. When strangers come from outside, they always cause trouble. They're always seeking something. - Something? But what, Mother? - Well, for instance, gold. There's lots of yellow stones in the river. Tarzan says he doesn't want them. But when they find them, they lose their reason. They do terrible things. They even destroy each other. Cheetah! Now, stop that at once! Well, it serves you right. What's the matter? Escarpment, juju, bwana. Escarpment taboo. Escarpment taboo, your grandmother. Tell your pals we're here to trap lions. We'll get them. Place kind of gives me the willies too, Buck. Queer, wasn't it? The way it suddenly shot up above the clouds? Another couple of feet, we'd smack right into it. - Still looks like Africa to me. - I know, but try and find it on the map. Gentlemen! We're in luck. The place is alive with lions! - Tracks everywhere! - Good. I figured those were lions I saw from the air. Bwana, juju-man come. Tarzan! The ape-man they talked about back at the settlement. Then it's true, he's not a myth. - Hey! What's the idea? - Gun no good! - Men go! - Wait a minute! - You think you run Africa? - Take it easy, Buck. This is his neck of the woods. Now, gentlemen, gentlemen, we're forgetting. I think introductions are in order. My name is Manchester Mountford, the world-famous animal trainer. This is Mr. Jimmie Shields, our pilot. This gentleman is Mr. Buck Rand, well-known hunter and animal man. See, we've come from America to fetch lions. - Men go! - Oh, we can't very well right now. It'll be dark. I don't fly through strange country at night. We'll have to wait until morning. Tomorrow sun make new safari. When shadow come between sticks, men go! I suppose he means when the tall stick's shadow pulls back to the short stick. All right, get back to work. Be finished in just a minute, Cheetah. There, finished. I think Tarzan would like some plums for breakfast. - That's pretty. - For Boy. Spear fish. It's a good idea. He'll love it. It'll take his mind off the aeroplane. Thank you, Cheetah. Oh, those are nice plums. Tarzan, what were those men like? One man bad. Other man funny. - And the third man, what was he like? - Third man make iron bird fly. Maybe good. Understand Tarzan. Oh, I won't be happy until I see that plane flying away in the morning. Look! Did you see my airplane? Did you? Did you see it fly? Looks like the airplane we saw. Boy, look what Tarzan has made you. For Boy. Spear fish. - Where're we going? The jungle? - No. Down mountain. Big waterfall. If we went in the jungle, we might see the airplane. - Just pass by, I mean. - Airplane leave with sun. - It won't leave during the night? - No, darling. This is strange country. They wouldn't fly at night. Sure? - Boy sleep now. Spear fish tomorrow. - All right, Tarzan. Good night. - Good night, Mommy. - Good night, darling. I wish I could get just one look at the airplane. Maybe I could make one like it myself. Boy see plane when new sun climb mountain. - Did you change your mind? - Boy see plane. In sky. That's right. He'll see it when it takes off. I hadn't thought of that. - I hope he won't be too disappointed. - Boy forget plane soon. Maybe. Tarzan know. Tarzan catch giant bird. Train bird. Boy fly. Good heavens, no! I don't want him hurtling through the sky on a bird's neck. - He's daring enough as it is. - Boy little Tarzan. And I want him to grow up to be a big Tarzan. - Tarzan watch Boy. - I know you will. I shouldn't worry. I know there's never a need to worry as long as you're with me. At first I used to have so many little fears for myself, for Boy. But one by one, you chased them away. Wouldn't it be strange if someday I became as brave as you are? Jane no need to be brave. Jane beautiful. Jane good. You're my goodness, darling. My strength. Jane, Tarzan. Tarzan, Jane. Come on. Cut out the monkeyshines. Get those crates aboard. Load them on the other side. - What're you doing? Starting trouble? - No, just trying to avoid it. I'd say we've got a half an hour. We've got until the last trap's loaded, and we don't go before. Now, gentlemen, perhaps we could sit down with Mr. Tarzan and talk it over. - A white boy? - Here? A phenomenon. He rides that bull like an old-timer. It's big, isn't it? How's it fly? Like a bird? No, sonny. The wings don't move. That blade there going around does the trick. You mean that big fan? It makes it fly? Say, young fella, where'd you come from? I live here with Tarzan and Jane. - Did Tarzan send you here? - No, sir, he didn't. I came by myself. - Could this carry an elephant like Simba? - It might if you could get him aboard. - You got those elephants trained? - They do what I tell them. - Truly a phenomenon! - A natural. - What makes the fan go? - What else can the elephants do? You're the man who drives the plane. - I'm the pilot. How'd you figure it out? - You look like you like the sky. Well, thanks, sonny. - Say, that's okay. - Reminds me of one of my old acts. - Can I go inside? - Sure you can. Wait, they know any more tricks? Yes, sir. They can do almost anything I ask them to. Steady now, Buli. Buli, I won't hurt you. Stay still. There. That wasn't so bad, was it? That kid would be a sensation in a circus. I can see the 24-sheets now. The boy-king of the jungle! He'd be a gold mine if we had him back in America. I get it. Now that you've got the lions for Sargent's mangy circus you figure on snatching the boy too. - You're wonderful, sonny. - Now may I go inside? You sure can. Listen, sonny boy, as soon as we get these crates aboard we'll take you for a ride. - I can ride? Lay off, Buck! Go on home. Take your animals and go home. - I promised the kid a ride, didn't I? - Not with me at the stick, you didn't. Now, do what I say, sonny, get going! - He'd be a headliner under the big top. - The chance of a lifetime. - You got religion suddenly, didn't you? - I like to stay on the beam when I can. It works out better all around. - That shadow's getting pretty close. - I'll worry about that shadow. I would, if I were you. Better check that last trap, Mountie. We'll get out of here. Two. Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Get these crates aboard and get that tent down. Lion tracks. Come back here, boy. Boy, let this net down. Come here. Watch yourself! Get on. Watch it, sonny. - Bwana, bwana, lions! Lions! - Mountford man, caught in trap! - Thanks. You came just in time. - All right, sonny. Buck, it was wonderful. You should've seen that little laddie charge that lion just as he was to rip me to ribbons. - He did? - So you're a lion man too? - Sonny, I owe you my life. The Jaconi. - Boy! Tarzan go! - I'm going too. Tarzan! Tarzan's coming! Tarzan! Let me go! Let me go! The fire will burn them to a crisp. The wind's blowing in that direction No use, sonny. You've got to come with us. - I wanna go to Tarzan. - You can't get through. Come on, Mountie, head for the plane. What's he doing here? Jaconi got his father and mother, killed them, set fire to them. Jane. Jane. Jane! Tarzan what is it? What's Cheetah saying? - Cheetah say Boy gone in iron bird. - The hunters took him? Cheetah say yes. Oh, Tarzan, they'll take him away. They'll take him across the sea. - Jane, be brave. - Oh, darling, whatever will we do? Our whole world's gone. Tarzan find Boy. Big place. Find Boy. Tarzan, wait. You trust me, darling, don't you? Tarzan always trust Jane. If it were for any reason less than our Boy, I'd make you turn back. We're going into places where men's minds are more tangled than the worst underbrush in the jungle, and I'm afraid. More afraid than I've ever been in my life. Everywhere we'll be met with lies and deceit. Your honesty and directness will only be handicaps. It'd break my heart to see your strength caught in the quicksands of civilization. And I'll be the only guide you'll have. Will you follow me? Will you do as I say? I'll try not to fail you. Jane lead way. Tarzan follow always. - Tarzan. - Gun! Tarzan sorry. This must be the plane. Cargo of wild animals, three men and a boy. - Boy! - Tarzan. The plane was cleared by pilot Jimmie Shields for New York. - Jimmie Shields? - That's correct, sir. - I'm sorry I haven't more information. - Oh, you've been very kind. - But now we must find our Boy. - Come. We go to New York quick. - Is it possible to charter a plane? - No, I'm afraid not. But our regular mail plane connects with a clipper for America. That's due in tomorrow morning. I can arrange for you to have a passage on that. - But it'll cost an awful lot of money. - We'll pay anything. Shouldn't this be enough? Oh, that's more than plenty. But I doubt our local bank will be able to convert these gold nuggets into currency. - Still, I'll arrange letters of credit for you. - Oh, I wish you would. Thank you for all your kindness. Oh, there's just one more detail, madam. Our local Chinese tailor carries ladies' and gentlemen's apparel. Not exactly Paris models or Bond Street suits. We do need some clothes. We better go, darling. We'll be very busy between now and tomorrow morning. Good man. Tarzan thank. Oh, not at all, sir. I hope you find your boy all right. Bigger suit, you try on. This is last one. Careful, please. Three pounds, please. No can do. No more jackets. But we're leaving tomorrow, and we must have clothes. - Can't you make some? - Take time, missy. Well, I'll triple the price. I try. - Suit ready, missy. This way please. - Very well. Tarzan, you must stay. The tailor has to measure you. Sorry, but we must get clothes to go to New York. - Jane get clothes. Tarzan better without. - Now, darling, you promised. Cheetah, you behave yourself. You look wonderful, darling. Scratch. No good. Take off. Put on in New York. No, no, no, you've got to get used to it. There. - Thank you so much. - Missy pleased, Sun Lee pleased. Cheetah, come. Well, where is she? Stone jungle. Yes, a man-made jungle. - Natives live there? - Yes, they live and they work there. - Why? - To help them concentrate their efforts. - Get things done in a hurry. Save time. - Save time? Why? Darling, you're asking me a question all the sages haven't been able to answer. We're going down. We're going to land. Now, these are 30-day permits. - You understand, lady, don't you? - Yes. Mike, call up the pilot's room. See if they know where Jimmie Shields is. He's in Alaska by now or the South Pole, that is if he has the price of the gas. Right over there, please. There are some routine things to attend to, like fingerprinting, just routine. - Come, Tarzan. - Hurry. Find Boy. You must be patient, darling. We're almost finished. Cheetah. Now, Cheetah, stop it. - Sorry, she gets playful sometimes. - Cheetah thirsty. Here's where Shields stays, the Gloucester Hotel. - I'm very grateful. - Sure. - Find Boy! - We will since we know where the pilot lives. Go! Go. Cheetah! - Taxi? - Yes, please. - House on wheels? - It's called a taxicab, dear. Taxicab? Don't worry! Lt'll hold together! Open the door, darling. Thank you. Gloucester Hotel, please. Cheetah, you'd better sit over here, dear. I hope that monkey's tame. You don't need to worry. She's quite friendly. Just so long as she knows it. Man know trail? Of course, darling. Taxi drivers know the city. - Like Tarzan know jungle. - Yes, like Tarzan know jungle. - War dance. Where natives? - There're no natives. That's music. It comes out of that little box. It's called a radio. Radio? Woman sick. Cry for witch doctor. You should be a critic, darling. There. How's that? Good. Now radio good. I don't like it. I don't like it. Jasper, grab these bags. Jaconi tribe. Put clothes on him too. Oh, darling. - Here you are. - Oh, thank you, ma'am. Thank you. Come, Tarzan. Why, good afternoon. Good afternoon. We'd like to see Mr. Jimmie Shields, please. I'm sorry, but Mr. Shields isn't in now. As a matter of fact, he hasn't been here for several days. Did he have a little boy staying with him? A cute little boy, sun-brown curly hair? - Why, no madam. - Where Boy? I don't know. All I know is he didn't bring any boy here. - Where Shields now? - That's anybody's guess. He'll probably turn up in a day or two. He usually does. You'll have him contact us when he gets back? - Yes, madam. - I think we'd better take a suite. Yes, madam, but what about the gorilla? Cheetah? She's part of the family. - She'll be all right, I promise you. - Very well, madam. Cheetah, thank the kind gentleman for letting you stay. - Hey, what is this? - Cheetah say thank you. Take him away! - Better sit down, dear. - Follow me, please. Thank you. It's all right, boys. She's just like one of the family. - Anything else? - No, thank you. Thanks, lady. - Are you looking for Jimmie Shields? - Yes, we are. The minute he gets back from a trip he heads straight for the Club Moonbeam. His girlfriend sings there. I don't know her name, but she may put you wise to when he'll be back. The Club Moonbeam. Thank you. Find Shields, then we get Boy. - Cheetah say we go now. - Cheetah must be patient too. - Patient? - Yes, darling. - All right. Jane be boss here. - Thank you. Hello. Would you get me the Club Moonbeam, please? - Why Jane talk to that? - It's a telephone. To talk a long way, you talk into this. Telephone good. Telephone say where Boy is? Oh, I hope so. Hello, Club Moonbeam? Yes, ma'am, this am the Club Moonbeam. No, ma'am. Ain't nobody around here. - That's excepting me. - Well, when will someone be there? Well, maybe 9:00 tonight. And that's early. Well, then I suppose there's nothing we can do except wait. - Thank you. - What telephone say? Not yet, darling. We have to wait until it's dark. Oh, Tarzan, I'm just as impatient as you are, but there's nothing we can do now. Come on, let's go and unpack. - When dark come, find Boy? - Yes. I'm sorry, I thought you got your number. Just a moment, please. Hello. Hello. What's that? This is Sam. Who is this? What's that? I said, this is Sam. That's what I said. What'd you say? You ain't getting fresh with me, is you, colored boy? Don't give me none of that double talk! Hear me? Why, you... You... You mush-mouth! Now what? Cheetah, what are you doing? Now, you give me that telephone right away. Yes. Don't you dare touch that anymore. The idea! Good heavens, what's that? - Tarzan! - Big rain good! Look at your clothes! Come on out and take those wet things off. Oh, feel good. You can't look for Boy with wet clothes on. - Why? - Just isn't done, that's all. Come on out. I'll call the valet. You get these wet things off. Oh, Cheetah, my things. How could you? There. Now we're all ready to go. Cheetah wants help find Boy. I think it will be better if Cheetah stays right here. And, Cheetah, you remember no more beauty treatments. Cheetah. Smells like Swahili swamp. Why people stay? It's called "a good time." Good evening. Have you reservations? We're not staying. We're looking for a friend, Jimmie Shields. Oh, yes, Mr. Shields isn't here. Hasn't come in yet. - Mr. Shields' friend? - Yes. - Wanna talk to you. - Beat it, halfback. - Break it up. - Tarzan, don't. She's singing. - Come on. - Talk now. You Jimmie's friend? - Just a minute. - Hold it, Eddie. As marvelous as I am, I can't do two things at once and do them good, so excuse me a split second. - What's wrong with Jimmie, a crackup? - No, we're looking for him. - We want to talk to him. - I'm Tarzan. Tarzan? Fill in with the "Dance of the Hours" for 10 minutes, will you, boys? When Jimmie gets back from Boston tonight, he'll tell the whole story. I see. According to the law, someone had to post a bond for $5000 with immigration authorities before Boy entered the country. They tried to raise the money, but they couldn't. - Tarzan understand. - This circus man, Sargent posted the bond, and has Boy. He's at Boundbrook, Long Island at a circus. - The show will be out in a half-hour. - You've been too kind. Forget it, honey. Never a cover charge. Jimmie'll call me, and I'll tell him you're here. Meanwhile, watch out for Sargent. He works fast. - Tarzan get Boy. - I'll gamble on that. Cheetah! Cheetah! Cheetah, how could you? Cheetah! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? - Thank you. - We go now. Good idea, before someone begins hollering for the gendarmes. - I'm awfully sorry. - Thanks. Come again. Get out there as soon as you can. Good luck. - That's my hat! - It ought to fit you now. What is that? Elephant language? Yes. Tarzan taught me. I was telling Allie about the baby elephants in the jungle. The fun we used to have together. She'd like to go back and play with them. I told Allie I wish we could go back together. It's a pity we ever took you away to troupe under a piece of canvas with thugs like Sargent and Buck. Mr. Mountford, a lot of times I've been gonna run away. Go back to the jungle. It doesn't make much difference where I go anymore. Were you telling her about Tarzan? I told her there wouldn't be fun in the jungle without Tarzan. She's heard about him. All the elephants have. They'd know Tarzan if he came here and spoke to them. Your father was a great man, wasn't he? Yes, Mr. Mountford. He wasn't like men here in civilization. He was big and alive, like the jungle. Mr. Mountford, at noon, sometimes when I go for a walk I look up at a skyscraper. Sometimes I think Tarzan's up there too in the clouds, just like he was in the escarpment. Gee, the fun we used to have. - Why's Pinkus out of his cage? - I was playing with him. Did I tell you to stop taking the animals out? - Yes. - Well, put him back. - Please, Mr. Buck. - Pinkus wasn't hurting anybody. Cut out the slobbering and put him back. - Kid, where you going? - I've got cablegram for Mr. Sargent. I'll take it. We're due to fold in a couple of days if this keeps up. Less than $400 in the house tonight. Here, maybe this will solve our problems. - Sawdust and spangles! - It's from the Matson Show. From Tim Matson. Listen to this. "Will give you $ 100,000 for Boy and all rights to his act." A hundred grand. Say, that's the softest take we've had in quite a while. "Meet show in Rio de Janeiro on the 10th. You can make it by South American clipper if you leave on the sixth. Regards, Tim Matson." This is the fourth. That gives us two days to get money for the tickets. We should clear that much if we stall payroll tomorrow night. Then the kid's their worry, not ours. - How's the kid tonight? - All right. - He's pretty good around Mountie. - Keep him happy. - He means a lot to us. - Leave it to me, colonel. Cheetah, stay! - Tarzan. - What's that? Over there. Quick. Get the kid off the lot while I stall him. - Say, mister. - Yeah? - Where is Mr. Sargent? - In that red wagon. - In here? - Yeah. - Where Boy? - Boy? What boy? Our son. He's here. We've come for him. If you've lost your son, I'm sorry, but why pick on me? - Tell truth. - Don't come closer. Darling, please. Remember, Tarzan you promised to do as I asked. - Your wife is a sensible woman. - You don't mind going now... - Mr. Sargent, it's no use evading things. We know you have Boy because you posted an immigration bond for him. Boy here. - Tarzan! - Hey, Jack. Gather the boys at the red wagon. - Right. - Go ahead. - Satisfied? - No. - Tarzan not go till we find Boy! - You're going right now. There's no Boy around here, and I'm tired trying to convince you. What does that mean? Now find Boy. All right, break it up. Spread out, men. Come on. Spread out, boys. Tarzan! Don't worry. I brought the cops along in case, knowing Mr. Sargent as I do. It looks like you guessed right. Come on now, boys, clear out. - Now we get Boy. - Why, yes. What about that boy? - This man's taken him. - What about it? Here, this will explain. This is a receipt for a bond from U.S. Immigration. It gives Sargent temporary custody of a nameless boy, parents dead. - Tarzan's Boy! - Now, Tarzan, it can't be settled here. You could level the show, and you'd never find him. There's only one way to get him back, the law. He's right. You'd only find trouble here. We'd better trust the law. - Ask law, get Boy back. - Yes. We'll go to court. It won't take long. - And I'll get you a lawyer. - Lawyer? What's lawyer? To help to get Boy back. Tarzan wait. Tarzan see! Get Boy back. Cheetah. - Thanks, Chuck. - Okay. The affidavits show that Boy was taken from the jungle a spot in the Congo known as "the escarpment" where he lived with my clients. He was taken by Mr. Sargent's agent, brought here where Mr. Sargent posted an immigration bond for him and instituted adoption proceedings. Your client opposes the return of the boy to his parents? - Yes. - On what grounds? The jungle isn't a home for him. He's filed adoption papers. Naturally, we will oppose any move to adopt this boy. I have more expert witnesses on jungle life if Your Honor will permit. - All right. - Take the stand, Tarzan. Tarzan, sit in that chair. Hand on the book. Swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? - Tarzan always tell truth. - What's your name? - Tarzan. - Full name? That's the only name he has. You have educated your son, haven't you? I mean, well, what did you teach the boy? Teach Boy where to find water when thirsty, where to find food when hungry. Tarzan teach Boy to be strong like lion and happy like bird. You find everything you need in the jungle, do you? Wise men need little. Have you thought what would become of Boy if he grows up in the jungle? Boy grow up to be brother of sun and friend of rain. Hurt nobody. Want nothing people have. Grow old like cedar tree. Boy will be good man, happy man. No one can want more than that. That's all, thank you. - Can you read, Tarzan? - Read? Yes, read. Read a book. Ever hear of Shakespeare's Hamlet? Tarzan read trails in jungle. Read clouds in sky. - Lawyer ever hear of kinsin-nupa? - Kinsin- what? Kinsin-nupa. Cure snakebites. All babies in the jungle know that. - This is a court of law. - White man's law lots of words. Jungle law more easy. Man live own life. So you prefer the jungle code to civilized law? In jungle, men only kill bad animals. In civilization, men kill good men. Will Mr. Norton concede human life is in constant peril in this wild region from which this child was rescued? No, I will not concede any such thing. In the last year, 35,000 men, women and children were killed in auto accidents alone in this country. I object. Counsel's remarks are immaterial. Objection denied. Proceed, Mr. Beaton. - Lf the court please... - Yes. I submit, Your Honor the jungle is not an issue in this case. The only issue is guardianship. Are these two people morally fit to bring up an adolescent to proper manhood? It is my contention that they are. By his conduct in this court, Tarzan has proved himself no savage but rather uniquely civilized. You may resume cross-examining the witness. No more questions. Your Honor, I'd like to place my last witness on the stand. Very well. By the way, Tarzan, how's fishing on this escarpment of yours? - Big fish. - How big? Lipamani, so big. Malagani fish, so big. Is that so? As a civilized fisherman I would have stretched the truth at least a foot. Jane is right. Law good. Give Boy back. Soon, dear. Swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? I do. Before going to the jungle, you lived a long while in civilization? - Yes, in London. - Did you like it? I had everything money could buy. In comparison, how do you like the jungle? There is no comparison. I wouldn't live anywhere else. Is it a good place to raise a son? It teaches him most things he needs to know how to live simply, naturally, happily. You say that as a mother, with a mother's instinct and wisdom? A mother would never wrong her own son. Thank you, madam. Your witness. Tell me what you do in the jungle when you need a doctor? - We seldom do. But if we do, we have our own drug store too. Many modern drugs were known and used in the jungle centuries before here. Digitalis, for example, and quinine, tannic acid, alum. - Dozens more. - Has your boy ever been ill? - No. He grew up healthy and strong. - Like the other savage animals? - He's not a savage animal. - Like animals he was born and raised in the jungle. - He was not born in the jungle! Your boy was not born in the jungle? Where was he born? - I don't know. - Well, you're his mother, aren't you? I prefer not to answer that question. You'll have to answer, madam. Remember, you're under oath. Tell this court, are you the mother of this child? Yes or no? We found him, Tarzan and I, after an airplane crash in the jungle. Yes or no? His parents were killed. Tarzan and I are the only parents he's ever known. You came into this court with unclean hands. You led this court to believe you were the parents when you had no legal claim to him whatever! You lied! - I did not! - And he lied! You steal Boy from me! Tarzan, stop it! Let go! Let go! Darling, Tarzan! Take a look, Your Honor! He's a man who claims to be a fit guardian for a child. He's a savage! This hearing is adjourned until tomorrow. Detain him in the waiting room. I'll take up the matter of this disturbance later. Come on. - What a break. - You said it. Let's grab the kid and make that plane. You were right, Tarzan, as you always are and I was wrong. I asked you to trust the law and you did. And now... Listen to me, darling. I know that man's laws are not for you. You who are as free as an eagle. I should've told you to follow your own law. To find Boy in your own way. I said this was my jungle. I was wrong. Your jungle is my jungle. I know that now. - I only hope it's not too late. - Too late? I hope not. I hope not. - Jane say go? - Yes, darling. Tarzan go. Tarzan get Boy. Come back! You'll break your neck! The roof! Quick! Hey! Tarzan just escaped from court. He's in a Globe taxicab believed headed for the circus on Long Island. Stop all Globe cabs crossing the bridge. They're after Tarzan, who's in the papers. Follow that cab that just went by and see who's inside. - What's that noise? - That's the law, mister. Law? Quick! Circus, hurry! - Didn't you hear that siren? - Yes. Come down before you break your fool neck. Look, fella, it's no use trying! Give it up! Tarzan. - Make them come and get you! - Keep climbing! Good luck, old boy! Maybe we'd better go. - I'm not afraid. - That's a 200-foot dive. He can't make it and live. - Boy, what nerve! - We'd better take you home. - No, we're going to the circus. - Circus? - Yes. - Tarzan will be there. Come on. Open up, boys. I'll take him. Let the lad go! - Put that gun away! - It's full of blanks. Four are, but the fifth one's the getaway, and you know it. Come on, sonny. Get out of here. Tarzan'll be here soon. Stick him in the wagon. You saw nothing. - Okay. - Is he all right? Come on down out of there, kid, before you get hurt. Hey! Go up there and get him down. Come on, hurry up! Get up there! Get up! Look out! He's gonna swing! - Get him. - Get up there. Climb that ladder. Go on! Hurry up, Pete! Come on down, son. You can't get away. Tarzan! Tarzan! Here I am! Tarzan! Here I am! Let him come down. I'll stop him. Put that gun away! We're in enough of a jam as it is. Get some men over to that other pole! Get around that net! Now's your chance, Buck. Yank out those net poles! Stay! Boy, stay! - Coming through! - Look out! Take him over to the animal tent. Put him in a cage. Right in here. Come on. Quickly. Go on. Come on! Get him in there! All right, you men! Come on. Hurry up! Come on. Hurry up! You better come down now. - We'll get you sooner or later. - I won't! Strike the whole rig. Get him out of that side there! Simba! Simba! Let him down easy. Easy now. Easy. Let me go! Let me go, I tell you! I wanna go back to Tarzan! Let me go! Let's get going. Tarzan! Tarzan! Don't! Let me go, I tell you. Tarzan! Tarzan! Get back! Look out! Watch out! Go through that tent! Go around the other way! Tarzan! Boy! Oh, Boy, darling. This place isn't any too healthy. Come on, get in. Simba! And I hereby sentence you to 30 days in jail for contempt of court. I also sentence you to 30 days for resisting an officer. Both sentences run concurrently. But taking into consideration the motive which actuated both misdemeanors I hereby suspend sentence. - Thanks, Your Honor. Tarzan, you're free. Law good. Judge good. Thank you. Tell me, when is fishing best down your way? - Fishing always good. - Then you'll probably be seeing me. Well, you can fly down with Connie and me on our honeymoon. - Well, goodbye and good luck. - Friend. Court's adjourned. Swim. Subtitles by SDI Media Group [ENGLISH] Dearest Stephanie, If this letter is found on me, if this ever reaches you, I want you to believe every word of it and try to understand. It all began that night we arrived in Istanbul. Oh, there's a gentleman waiting to see you. - Oh? ... Mr. Graham? Mrs. Graham? Put it there. It's a pleasure! Kopeikine is the name. - How do you do... You doubt that I am Kopeikine? - No... You think perhaps that I am not he? My credentials! Stephanie, take my word for it, I didn't want to go out with that fellow Kopeikine, he's a pest! I didn't even want him to join us for dinner, he just talked his way into it... Mrs. Graham, I am going to deprive you of your husband for awhile. Aren't we, Mr. Graham? We got some business to talk over... Official. Oh, can't we talk right here? And bother your charming wife? Oh... Well don't mind me. If you have to talk to Mr. Kopeikine, dear... Sure, we can go downstairs in the bar. - The bar... Well, go to the bar if you want to, dear. Maybe we will have a couple of drinks, too! Well... the sooner you go, the sooner you'll be back. Have a good time... It's not a good time, it's business, he says. Time is fleeing, Howard! The company representative! I'll be right back. - Be careful. Howard, where are you going? I thought you said we're going in the bar? I know a much better place! Come on. Oh, I haven't got my hat and coat. It's just around the corner. Kopeikine is our company's representative in Turkey. And I guess he thought he ought to show me a good time... I didn't want a good time. I wanted to stay with you! He just took it for granted I didn't. He dragged me off to that nightclub. That's how I happened to meet that woman, Josette. I can't stay here very long, I've got to get back to the hotel. Some number, huh? I'd better get on back to the hotel. You might take a shine to Josette! After all, this little girl is very stupid. Of course Josette is stupid too, but she has it! Pardon me, Howard, I will be back very briefly. You give me money? What for? Tip. - Oh. You excuse me. If you like me, I come back! I want you to meet my friend. He's American. Howard, I will present Josette and Gogo Martel. - How do you do? You will sit please? - Thank you. I enjoyed your dancing very much, Mamselle. Nonsense to say that Americans are not polite. They are so clever in business and yet so generous and sincere. You hear that, Howard? The champagne here is filthy. I do not wish to leave Istanbul with a headache. How long do you stay here Mr. Graham? Why, he leaves here tomorrow, too. Yes, I'm leaving on the morning train. I'm going as far as Batoumi by boat. Pardon me sir. What kind of cigarettes do you smoke? He is good, ain't he, Howard? You, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, I will now present to you an unbelievable miracle that I learned in the mountain vastness of India. And for this illusion, I will require the assistance of some kind and gracious gentleman from the audience... Perhaps you, sir, the gentleman of the duck, if you would be so good? And now ladies and gentlemen, I will join my ancestors... Don't worry, Howard! Ah... there you are, Howard! That was a good trick! What happened? The boy didn't fire his gun, someone else did! The magician is dead. I didn't admit it, Stephanie, but I knew then that shot was meant for me... You know how many months I spent for the company on the Turkish navy. Well, time counts in this war, and now with me out of the way, it'll take all that time and more with somebody else out here before Turkey can get any new guns. That's why they're after me. This is terrible! You've got me involved in a dirty nightclub shooting! I've got to call my wife. You've got to keep this out of the paper. Howard, you are lucky. Just think what happened to that magician, suppose the trick hadn't worked? It's entirely beside the point! I've got no business in here. Howard... they are only doing their official duty for your own good. Official duty! The whole thing's so stupid! I can forgive almost anything but stupidity. Wish I'd brought my topcoat... This is a scandal! We have no business with the police. Maybe we won't get our pictures in the papers. Who's that? That's Colonel Haki. This is his office. He's the head of the secret police. - Secret police? ! He was a deputy in the Provisional Government in 1919. One of Ataturk's men. There is a legend he can drink two bottles of whisky without getting drunk. There is also a legend that he killed prisoners by tying them together in pairs and throwing them in the river to save food and ammunition. But I don't believe it. He is a great patriot! But I wouldn't trust him with a woman... Colonel Haki will see Mr. Howard Graham now! That's us, Howard. Come! You are Howard Graham? Yes. What of it? You are employed by a munitions company in America? What? You are employed by a munitions company in America? An armament manufacturer! Bainbridge and Sons. - No, thank you! This man can tell you all about it. He's the local agent. - We know that. - Then why ask me? You're a naval ordinance expert. - Expert! - Pardon? - I'm an engineer, and naval ordinance just happens to be my subject. Your government has assigned you through your company to do some important work here. - Now look... I've got my instructions. I've been ordered back to the States at once. I'm only stopping here overnight! I'm doing my best to steer clear of trouble. You realize no doubt that you carry some valuable information? Whatever that information is, it's safe enough: I've got it in my head. That's precisely why you were brought here, Mr. Graham. It's your head our government is so interested in. Suppose you had been shot instead of that magician. What do... Don't be silly! The Turkish navy can get along perfectly well without me. The company would send out another man. I'm not indispensable! There are dozens of men with my qualifications. - Howard! Somebody could be sent out from America. - Meanwhile... Or England! To do my work over again. Meanwhile the spring will be here. And the Russian winter will be over, and those ships will still be lying in the dockyards at Izmir and Gallipoli, still waiting for their new guns and torpedo-tubes. You are our military objective. I don't understand you. Mr. Howard Graham, you are a careful driver and an imaginative pedestrian. You never ride horses nor climb mountains. You do not hunt big game. You never felt the slightest inclination to leap before an approaching express train. I'm sure you never think of death. If so, only on those occasions that you take out an insurance policy. Mr. Graham, Mr. Graham, as your excellent brain grasps what I am trying to say to you, it's perfectly simple. Someone is trying to kill you. You see? Kanapen... Kopeikine. Kopeikine. why did you take him to that cabaret? He wanted a good time! Pardon me, Howard, I will be back in a jiffy. Pardon me, Mr. Graham, I have quite a bad headache! I have here so much work, so much... anxiety. We know who's trying to kill you. Here is his picture. He is a thug in the employ of a Nazi agent, a man named Mueller, operating in Sofia. He doesn't look very friendly. Banat? I thought you said his name was Mueller? Mueller is his employer. This man's name is supposed to be Peter Banat. He is an assassin, a professional... Mr. Graham, there are men who are natural killers. Banat is one of them. He was convicted ten years ago in Yashi of helping to kick a man to death. He said that his price for killing a man has been as low as 5000 francs. - No thanks. And expenses. Now... We know a week ago Mueller got in touch with Banat. Tonight we learn Banat is here. It was he who shot at you at the cabaret, a waiter identified him, I am dumbfounded. But then I am dumbfounded every 25 minutes. Can't you arrest this man? We will when we find him. But now we must get you back safely to America. I'll get safely back to America, don't you worry. It is always the same. We are the only ones in a hurry, so we are the last. If we miss the boat we can sue the government. - Mademoiselle... Yes, we are leaving tonight for Batoumi. This man is your husband? We are partners. My car is at your disposal. Good night, Mr. Graham. - Good night. The Talisia belongs to a private company which fronts a weekly service to small cargo boats between here and Batoumi. I'm afraid it is little better than a floating slum! Yet they carry a few passengers, twelve at most. We have checked the list on the sailing... Every one of them is harmless. What do you mean, go by boat? I've got a reservation on the morning train. My dear Graham, if you are to leave on that or any other train, you would be dead before you reached Batoumi. This is much the best obvious way of getting you out of Turkey. The middle of the Black Sea would be just as safe as your own office. Oh I don't know... That's quite a decision! Graham... I'm not asking you to decide anything, I'm telling you what you must do. You are, I must remind you, of great value to my country. In your present state of health you must allow me to protect my country's interests in my own way. I do not wish to harass you, but if you do not care to follow my instructions, I shall have no alternative but to have you arrested. I'll have an order issued for your deportation and have you put on board The Talisia under guard. - I hope I make myself clear... - Quite clear! Would you like to handcuff me now? You'll just have time if you hurry. - Well, what... - ... Arranges the best way for both of you. - Now look here, Colonel... - Haki. - Colonel Haki... You two know each other? - How do you do? - Oh, yes. What about my... I've just got to see... I've got to talk to her! That man Kopeikine, he's with her at the hotel now... Putting her mind at rest. Haki thought he'd fool the Nazis by getting me out of Turkey through the Black Sea. He didn't even let me call you up to say goodbye. That girl Josette had nothing to do with it. She and her partner just happened to be leaving on the same boat. I thought you were going by train, Mr. Graham? Maybe the police thought the sea air would do him good. Come on, let's get our baggage through the customs. - That's one thing I won't have to worry about... Howard, wait! I came to say goodbye. Ain't it nice for everything to have been arranged so quick? Do you approve of my going on this boat? I do, Howard. By the way, have you a gun in your luggage? I haven't got any luggage! Then you better take this... I picked it up on my way to see your wife. It is completely loaded. What did she say? - Here. I don't need this! Put it in your pocket, it will make you feel nicer to have it! I never fired one of these things, you know! That's a good one, Howard! - What? You're a ballistics expert and you never fired a gun! Well, I just never did! It's very simple, you just point it and pull the trigger. Oh, I know how it works. - Take it with you anyway. Look Howard, they are loosing it. You'd better go. Come! Write me a line. Uh... Goodbye. Goodbye, Howard. I was just going to telephone my wife. I will see that she is assured and safely on the train. What's that? Cows? Mostly cows. It's clever, isn't it? What's clever? For you, Graham, so unlikely means of transportation is better than a disguise... Now with Mrs. Graham, it might be safer to practice a little deception, hmm? - Hmm? You can cable her when you stop at Trabzon. "C'est la guerre. " What? War is war. You have your passport? Oh... yes. Oh, I've got my wife's here too... And I see you're arming yourself... It's one thing to be a soldier, is it not... If the enemy is not looking for you in particular, because you're Mr. Howard Graham... The fellow next to you will do just as nicely. That's Stephanie's. I will see to it that it is delivered... - Thank you. You have this advantage over the soldier, Mr. Graham: you can run away without being a coward. Do not worry about your wife, Graham. I will take care of her personally. Happy journey. This way. Cabin 2. Are you Cabin 2? Graham, Howard? - Yes. Haven't you got any better accommodations? The cabins are all the same, Monsieur. About your luggage, we don't seem able to find it. I haven't got any luggage! - No luggage? - That's right, no luggage! - Hello! - I do not think that you are sincere after all. What do you mean? Tell me truthfully why you are on this boat. You wouldn't believe me. Very well, I'm not inquisitive. Well if you really want to know, I took the boat to get away from somebody who's trying to shoot me. I'd sooner you'd be grave about lying than joke about killing. If you wish me to like you, you mustn't say such things. I apologize. Are you going somewhere on behalf of a dancing engagement? India perhaps, I do not know. I hope so. So much is closed on account of the war. How long have you been dancing? Since I was 10, that's 20 years ago. You see, I do not lie to you about my age. I was born in the Pyrenees, my mother and father were very poor. But honest, no doubt? Oh no... my father was not at all honest. I tell everything about myself but about you I know nothing, except that you have a nice house... I hardly ever hear english spoken, so I am interested at once. You are English, sir? American. I am Turkish. I sell tobacco. Thermo Pazar and Company. My name is Mr. Kuvetli, sir. My name is Howard Graham. This is Mademoiselle Josette. - So good. My boss Pazar cannot speak english and he cannot write, he is ignorant. I reply to all favors from England and elsewhere abroad, but he knows slot about tobacco! We produce best. Please... Try cigarette made with tobacco from Thermo Pazar and Company, please. It's stuffy in here, I would like to go outside. You will come with me? Thank you, Mr. Kuvetli. Will you join us? Cannot you be quiet! You are keeping the whole ship awake. Shh! I'm terribly sorry... See you later. - Yes, please. I do not like that man. Personally I like the Turks. Would you like to go upstairs? I really ought to get some sleep. As you wish. It's been quite a night! Wish I'd brought my topcoat. It is pretty up there. Gogo is probably asleep. He will want to play cards with you tomorrow. I'll try to think of a game that I play well. He would win in any case, but I have warned you. I'll remember that when I lose. Stephanie, you must have known when you married me that I'm nothing very special. I'm a good naval engineer but outside of that I'm no hero. I think maybe I'm a coward. You used to laugh at me sometimes and call me a stuffed shirt. So please, Stephanie, try to understand about that girl. I just needed somebody to talk to. I'm lonely, Stephanie. I'm scared. - Hello. - Good afternoon. My name is Haller, Dr. Fritz Haller. Mine is Howard Graham. I should explain I am a German. A good German of the former Germany. I am on my way back to Tehran. I am travelling on a League of Nations passport. I'm an American. This steward is an imbecile. The French lady and her husband at the next table were placed again. They objected to eating with what they call the enemy, insulted me and moved. The food here is very monotonous without conversation. I agree with you there. You've been long in Turkey? A few weeks. I came there from Persia. - Oil? - No, Mr. Graham. Archeology. - Oh. I was investigating the early pre-Islamic cultures. Forgive me, I am boring you already. - Oh, not at all. War! It is not businesslike. It makes it very difficult to earn money. Money? You say that? Well, I take no side. I do not care who wins. War is terrible! War is stupid... it is all very bad for business. Thirst for food and tongues for the wise! I think I will go now and look after my wife. Excuse me, please? - Certainly. War is the last refuge of the capitalist. He talks like a fool, but you should take no notice, Monsieur. He was a brave soldier, he won the silver war badge. A little piece of silver outside the chest to serenade the little piece of steel inside, eh? It is the women I think who should fight these wars. They're more ferocious as patriots than the men. Don't you agree, sir? Me? Please. I am neutral, you understand. I know nothing, I have no opinion, I sell tobacco. Tobacco? In Istanbul? What company? Pazar and Company, Istanbul. - Pazar? I don't under... I see... There is Trabzon! We should go ashore and get some real food! It'll be such a relief to get out of here... All those mosques and minarets! Are you not coming? Good afternoon. Good afternoon. "Good afternoon", is that all you have to say? What should I say? I thought that all Americans get out of bed early to eat a big breakfast. I get out of bed at 10, but you're nowhere to be found. The steward says you're still in your cabin. Excuse? I didn't get to bed until 6. - Oh? How do you do? Do you play poker? Why, certainly... But not very well. I told you. She thinks because I win I cheat. I do not care what she thinks! People are not compelled by law to play cards with me. Why do they squeal like stuck pigs when they lose? Well, it is illogical. It's very boring to listen to english! I'm going to drink some brandy. Let's go out on deck. He's very unpleasant today. It's because he's disappointed. He thought there were going to be some pretty little girls he could roll his eyes at. He always has great success with pretty little girls and old women. Are you coming? Sorry, Mr... Colonel Haki told me he'd send you ahead to meet me in Batoumi. The boat stopped at Trabzon, I sent you the cable. "Stephanie dearest, I think of you all the time, I dream about you at night. " That's right. One message, two addresses. Send it right off. "Looked for wire here but none. Heaven's sake why?" "Everything that has happened beyond my control." That's fine, thank you. "See you Grand Hôtel Batoumi Saturday. I love you only you." Very good, sir. Ah, there you are, Professor... Good razor, thank you. - Not at all. Didn't go ashore? No, Mr. Graham. My wife is still indisposed. - Oh, sorry. I thought you were going to see the sites with Mr.... Kuvetli? Oh, so that is his name? He speaks german quite well. I think he's traveled quite a bit. He interests me, this Kuvetli. He has a way of talking without saying anything. Maybe it's got something to do with his being a salesman. He is too simple to be true. Who ever heard of a simple Turkish businessman? No, he is a man who wishes to be underrated. Why? He's not trying to sell us tobacco. Perhaps as you suggest he regards the world as his customer. We have a new passenger. The Greek woman at the next table, you remember I told you her husband was killed in Athens? Quiet, she'll hear you! Mr. Graham, did you enjoy your excursion ashore this afternoon? Why... I didn't go. I was, but... - Yes? - I want to talk to the Captain. Now what's the matter, Monsieur? It's absolutely necessary that I be put ashore immediately! I want to be put ashore! It's too late... The pilot-boat is gone. I'm willing to pay. This is a ship, Monsieur. Not a taxi. We carry cargo around on a schedule. This is a question of life and death. - Well, naturally... - A man on this boat is here for the express purpose of murdering me. I am not crazy! No, not at all, Monsieur. Now what's his name? Banat. B-A-N-A-T. Just a minute. What's so funny? There's no one by that name. He's the passenger who sat across from me at dinner! - The number 7 cabin. - I don't know what his number is. Mavrodopoulos. Why, he's a Greek businessman. Will you please radio Colonel Haki of the Turkish police in Istanbul... We are no longer in Turkish territorial waters! In any case our wireless is for navigational purposes only... I tell you the man means to kill me! Why? Because he's been paid to kill me! Who pays him? - The... Can't you speak english? The Captian speaks only greek, italian, russian and turkish, Monsieur. But I understand. You have perhaps had a bad dream. - I haven't had any bad... I suggest that you lie down in your cabin for awhile. And remember, nobody's going to murder you on this ship. There are too many people. In any case this ship stops in Batoumi and not before. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. And if you close the door as you go out. Boom boom! - Hello, Mr. Graham. - Good evening. It's going to be nasty out tomorrow. - Yes, it is. I don't mind. But I'm afraid my wife doesn't like it... What are you doing out there? You'll catch cold, come back to bed. You should go back to bed yourself, chérie. You're more delicate than I. Have you got a wife, sir? Yes I have. Excuse me. - Has your wife got a bad temper, Mr. Graham? - No, very good. You're lucky. For years I lived in misery. Then one day I made a great discovery. There was a socialist meeting and I went to it. I wasn't a socialist, understand... I went to this meeting because I was curious. The speaker was good. Then a week later we went out with some friends, and I repeated what I heard. My wife laughed in a very peculiar way, and when I got home, I made a discovery. I found out my wife was a snob, and even more stupid than I dreamed. She said that I humiliated her by saying such things as if I believed them. And all her friends were respectable people, and I mustn't speak as if I was a working man. She wept! Then I knew that I was free. Mr. Graham, I bought books and pamphlets to make my arguments more damaging. My wife became very docile. She even cooked things I liked, just so I wouldn't disgrace her. I see. So...you don't believe these things you say? - No. That's where my little joke comes in. Mr. Graham, for awhile I was free, then a terrible thing happened. I found I began to believe these things that I said. These books I read showed me that I'd found a truth. I, a capitalist by instinct, became a socialist by conviction. Worse than that, there was a strike at the factory, and I, the manager, supported the strikers! I didn't belong to a union, naturally, and so I was dismissed. It was ridiculous! So here I am. I've become a man in my home at the price of becoming a bore outside. Josette! Banking! What is banking but usury? And where has our American been? Today the usurers are the gods of the earth, and the only mortal sin is to be poor. There are so many poor people it is terrible! Banking! What does he know about banking? I thought you were ill, sir? You are better now? Yes, thanks. You've been ill? I...felt tired. It is the ventilation. I myself have felt a nausea and a headache since we got on this ship. We should complain! Mrs. Matthews is right. The ventilation isn't good. I think we should go outside. I know you must be ill, you are polite! I'll go with you. It was not at all stuffy in the saloon. Now you shall tell me what is really the matter. Chéri, I am sorry, but I have seen people who are afraid before. They do not look at all like people who are tired or people who feel faint in a stuffy room. They have a special look about them. Their faces look very small and gray around the mouth. And they can't keep their hands still. I'm glad we can walk like this together. Good evening, Mr. Graham. Taking your constitutional, I see? Remember I told you I came on this ship to avoid somebody who was trying to shoot me? Yes, I remember. It was a bad joke. A very bad joke. Only it's true. You're lying to me! I'm afraid not. What have you done that someone should wish to kill you? Nothing. Some business competitors don't want me to get back to America. You are lying! Yes I am lying, but not very much. There are some people who don't want me to get back to the States. Who are they? I only know one. His name is Mueller or Miller or something... He lives in Sofia, he's a Nazi agent. - The salaud! But he cannot touch you now! I'm afraid he can. That fat man aboard is working for him. The Greek? He's not a Greek. His real name is Banat. He's been hired to kill me. - How do you know? - I've seen his picture. - This is not very nice. - No, it's not. He knows you suspect him, he was watching you. Kuvetli was watching you also. You look so curious, you see. You mean I look frightened? Frightened to death! I was frightened, I'll admit it. Why shouldn't I be? I'm not used to people trying to kill me. Besides, somebody's stolen my gun. You needn't worry. I can tell you something. This fat man doesn't carry a gun. - How do you know? His clothes are tight. If he carried a gun, one could see the shape of it in his pocket. He's got a gun, I know. He must keep it in his cabin. He's in the saloon now. I could see that he doesn't go to his cabin for a long time. - How? - Gogo will do it. I will not have to tell Gogo anything about you. Gogo will play cards with him. Will Gogo ask him? I will tell Gogo that I saw this man open a wallet with a lot of money in it. Gogo will see that he plays cards... You don't know Gogo. - Are you sure he can keep him in there? - I'll make certain. You wait here. Won't you join me, Mr. Graham? I'm just getting some fresh air. - Oh. To see the land from a ship, or to see a ship from the land... I used to like both. Now I dislike both. When a man reaches my age, he grows I think to resent subconsciously the movement of everything except the respiratory muscles which keep him alive. Movement is change. And to an old man, change means death. Excuse me. I think I will say good night, Mr. Graham. - Good night. Good night, Mademoiselle. I mustn't stay. I came only to tell you that it's all right. - Good. But be sure to come back to the saloon after you have been to his cabin so that I know that you have finished. - All right. Boom boom! Oh Mr. Graham, I have been waiting for you. This is what you have been looking for, isn't it? Close the door, please. I thought I had better keep this for Mavrodopoulos. Banat! Banat's easier to say. I wonder if your name happens to be Mueller. You have guessed it, Mr. Graham. I am Mueller. But I rather like myself as an archeologist. I got my little speeches from this. The Sumerian Pantheon by Fritz Haller. Mr. Graham, I should not like to think of you being murdered by any employee of mine. But as things stand at the present, you will be dead within a very few moments of your landing at Batoumi tomorrow morning. If you should die before you get back to America, somebody else will be sent here to take your place, but your work will be delayed. That is all we're interested in. Mr. Graham, you are a fortunate man! What does that mean? - You are going to catch typhus. - What? When you get to Batoumi tomorrow morning, you'll be taken to a small, private hospital. In six weeks, you will have recovered. How does that appeal to you, Mr. Graham? Has it occurred to you that I might not be so stupid as you think? Graham, you are a fool! You know nothing, nothing! Oh, I don't? One of the things you do not know is that Colonel Haki considered it advisable to install one of his agents onboard this ship to watch over you. I tried hard yesterday to interest you in Mr. Kuvetli. Are you trying to tell me that Kuvetli is a Turkish agent? I wanted to see you before he made himself known to you. He has his duty to do, and doubtless will have evolved some laborious plan for getting you to safety. What I wanted to warn you against is telling him of my suggestion. It will be embarrassing for both of us if an agent of the Turkish government should know of our little deception. You see what I mean, Mr. Graham? If you let Mr. Kuvetli into our secret, you destroy your only chance of returning to America alive. It's a solemn thought, isn't it? Graham? Graham! Go to the wall. I'm in the next cabin. - Well? - This is Kuvetli. We'll meet on the well deck in five minutes. Leave before me and wait there. I think it best if no more of your conversations are overheard. All right. - Where are you? - Here, Graham! If you're a Turkish agent, why didn't you tell me earlier? From Colonel Haki to you. I was sworn to keep my identity secret...until necessary. Did you know that Mueller was aboard? I didn't know it was Mueller, until I saw him talking to Banat. Mueller wants me to lay low in some sort of private hospital for awhile. Did you overhear that, too? He underrates you, Graham. He simply tried to persuade you to allow yourself to be murdered in the most convenient manner. Oh... And I'll be killed if I accept his proposal... and I'll be killed if I don't. Not necessarily. You must go back to Mueller. You must tell him you agree to his suggestion. Tell him you do not trust me. Tell him I threatened you. What with? Death? That'd be a little silly, wouldn't it? Not so silly, Graham. You must obey my orders. - Well... I'm a Turk, Graham. I fought with the Gazi for Turkey's freedom. I'm ready to give my life to protect the great work we have done. Do you think it strange then, that I should not hesitate to give yours? I guess not. I'll do anything you say. - Good. Now tonight after you have seen Mueller, you must go to your cabin and lock yourself in. - All right. But early tomorrow morning, before the ship docks, you must go to the cabin at the end of the corridor, cabin number 5. It's empty. Stay there. Mueller and Banat will have to wait for you on the dock. But I shall have gone ashore earlier on the pilot boat to arrange for their arrest. Now do you understand? Yes, I think I do. You feel better now, hmm? Good luck, Graham. - You have seen Kuvetli? - I have. Well? I've decided to accept your advice. - At Kuvetli's suggestion? - My own. Did he mention me by name? Yes. He warned me against you. And how did you treat the warning? I've decided to ignore it and follow your plan. I don't trust that fellow. We've got to throw him off the scent somehow. Kuvetli will cause no trouble. Good morning Madam, I'd like to speak to your husband for a moment. Of course, I'm easy to approach. You look serious, my friend. I'll be back in a minute. - Come in here, sir. - I need your help. - Why, certainly! - I want you to take a message for me. - All right. Mr. Matthews, in a way, at the moment... I'm in the enjoined services of the Allied Governments. When I get off the ship this morning, there's a good chance I may be killed by German agents. You're in the American secret service? I want you to go to the Turkish Consul in Batoumi, and give them a message for me. Will you do that? What's the message? Tell him to tell Colonel Haki, H-A-K-I in Istanbul, that I'm in trouble. Is that all? - Well... In the event of my death, ask him to notify the American Consul. Of course, Mr. Graham. I'd like to say something about my wife. I understand, you're in the American secret service. One doesn't confide these things. But I'm not a fool! Why don't we take our revolvers and shoot down... Wait a minute! Did you say you had a revolver? Why no, I haven't got any revolver. - Oh. But I thought of course that you had. I'm sorry, Mr. Graham. I'll...deliver your message though. Thanks. She will come back. Why don't you sit down and wait? You don't understand, eh? She is very pretty, no? But she has no sense. She is a woman, and women do not understand business. I'm Josette's partner, so I have an interest in Josette. You wish to marry her? What? I do not give her up for nothing. Together Josette and me, we earn 2000 francs a week by dancing. It's a lot of money, huh? - Look! - But I will give her up. - Have you got a revolver? - A revolver? You do not believe that we earn 2000 francs a week? Oh sure...only... Why don't you and I and Josette get off the boat together? Then we can talk about all of this later. Well chéri, is everything settled? He wants us to meet him later. - No, I mean... Your car is waiting, Mr. Graham. - Oh. Go on, chéri. We'll all meet later. Excuse me. We will join you on the dock. Mr. Graham! I'm sorry about the gun, Mr. Graham. But I do have a knife! Please take it. I know... Take it anyway. One thing more. I have this. I don't know what I'll do with that. Nor do I, but look! I put a point on it. Good morning. Goodbye, Mr. Graham. I'll be discreet. Discreet? What is there to be discreet about? Ah, you may ask! Mr. Graham and I are going to blow up the Bank of England... Seize Parliament, shoot the gentry, and set up a Communist government! You should not say such things, even for a joke! - A joke! You'll find out if it's a joke or not... when we drag these people through their houses, and shoot them down with machine guns! - If someone should hear you say such things! - Let them hear! Goodbye, Mr. Graham. Good luck. - Thank you. Sorry. I haven't seen Mr. Kuvetli this morning. I hope that everything's going to be all right. This way please, Mr. Graham. Excuse me. Mr. Graham! You have a weapon. What did you think you would do with this? I don't know. I just thought I'd bring it along. The tire! Is Mrs. Howard Graham registered here? Room 55. She arrived this morning. May I speak to her, please? Who should I say is calling? Her husband. Hello, Stephanie? This is Howard. Howard! Well come right up! - Where's the elevator? - Right here, sir... Fifth floor. - Stephanie! - Howard darling! It's wonderful to see you! But darling, what happened to you? Where have you been? I'll tell you all about it in the tub. What I need is a good hot bath. Your company representative's here, Mr. Ridgely. Bill Ridgely? But darling, we've been looking all over town for you. Your boat got in this morning! We'll talk it all over later... Hello, Bill! - Hello, Howard. You are late. Better late than never, that's what I always say. If you gentlemen will excuse me... I'm sure you two old friends must have a lot to talk about! It was very stupid of you to come here, Mr. Graham. You have been a lot of trouble. More trouble than you are worth. Let us get this over as quickly as possible. - Howard! ... Oh, Howard! Yes, Stephanie? If you and Mr. Ridgely have any business to talk over, please go right ahead and don't worry about me. I'm invited downstairs for a cocktail. You're to join us as soon as you're through. I am perfectly willing to spare your wife. I didn't see how I could refuse. You'll forgive me, Mr. Ridgely? Where are you going, dear? Mrs. Graham, may I present a business associate, Mr. Banat? How do you do, Mr. Banat. Oh...and Mr. Graham, Mr. Banat. I hate to take your husband away from you, Mrs. Graham. That's quite all right. I'm quite used to it. Besides, tonight I have company. A charming gentleman. He flew with me from Istanbul. Perhaps you've heard of him... Colonel Haki. Mrs. Graham, I wonder if you would do your husband a great favor and come with me. - Why... It will only be a moment. But I don't understand. Please, it will all be explained later. Won't you please go down to the lobby and hold Colonel Haki there for a moment? Of course, Mr. Ridgely, if you put it that way. - Thank you. Come in, come in! Is this Mr. Graham's room? - Yes. Is this Mr. Graham? - Yes. That stupid clerk here asked me if I wanted to speak to Mr. or Mrs. Graham... That would mean that you are married? Yes. Do not be embarrassed, chéri, we can still be friends. - Well... You think I'm angry, you don't believe me. I will prove it. Gogo is on his way up to settle matters with you. But I will stop him. No! ... No, don't do that. The best way. Goodbye, Mr. Graham. All men are not sincere. All through already? Have you seen Colonel Haki anywhere? Colonel Haki? I saw him just a moment ago. A crazy man just shot at me! They're crazy! - That's terrible! - What happened? He says a man has fallen in the street. A crazy man just shot at me! Mr. Ridgely! Professor Haller! Graham! Look out! "Stephanie, I can't understand why you're mad at me. "That girl didn't mean a thing to me, really. Won't you please..." Good evening! - Oh, hello. You're writing a letter? I'm trying to finish one I started on the boat. He says he's got a message for you from Stephanie. - Oh? Mrs. Graham. - All right. No speaky! "Could you please forgive me. "I love you more than anyone in the whole world..." He says she's waiting for you upstairs! Tell her to hold her horses! "Your devoted husband..." I wonder why do you always finish the letters you're going to tear up? "Howard." My compliments, Graham! Banat is a dangerous man, you had no gun. I got mad. I spent too much time running away. Sous-titres: Isabelle Audinot Sous-titrage: C. M.C. What are you waiting for? - So long, Drake. - Parris! - Hello, Cassie. - Hello, Parris. I'll get another one. It's warm. Warm enough to go in swimming, I guess. Unbutton my back. I can't reach. - There. - Thanks. It's not so warm on the bottom. Girls have to go in gradual. I'll be glad when school's out, won't you? We'll go swimming every day then, won't we? I'll have to dry my hair out so Papa won't know. He'd take a switch to me, I guess. You're awfully pretty, Cassie. - Am I? Honestly? - You bet. I guess you're the prettiest girl in the whole school. - Goodbye, then. - Goodbye. But I'm late with my practicing. Here's something came for you, delivered most impressively by a young lady. Thank you. - You are hungry? - Of course. Louise Gordon is having a party on Saturday, too. The same day as Cassandra Tower's birthday party. I bet she did it on purpose. Well, you go to the Gordons, if you want my opinion. Anna, Parris has learned to decide for himself what's right and what's wrong. Just the same, there is something queer about those Towers. A doctor who says he's a doctor, but never has a patient. And his wife, who stays in that upstairs room all the time. It gives a person the creeps. It ain't the proper association for a boy like him... I don't care what anybody says about the Towers. I'm going to Cassie's party. Would you like to play some more games? No, I wouldn't. I wish everybody'd go home. I'll go home if you want me to. Then maybe the others will follow suit. I invited ever so many. Well, I'll go say my goodbyes. Mrs. Tower. Oh, Mrs. Tower! Mrs. Tower! Oh, Mrs. Tower. - Boy, where are you going? - To say goodbye to Mrs. Tower, sir. That won't be necessary. Grand-mère told me to be sure to pay my respects, Dr. Tower. I'll see that Mrs. Tower receives your message. Why didn't she come down, sir? - Doesn't Cassie's mother like parties? - Cassandra, here's a guest leaving. - Goodbye, Cassie. - Goodbye. Oh, gee, what a shame. - All that ice cream and cake, too. - I imagine we'll survive it. - I had a lovely time, sir. - Goodbye. Thank you for coming. Thank you for inviting me. - You're Parris Mitchell, aren't you? - Yes, sir. Give my regards to your grandmother. Come, Parris! Come on in! Oh, let him alone. We don't want him. Hey, Parris. Wait a minute. That sure was a sissy party. - How was Cassie's? - How did you think it would be? Well, heck, Parris. Don't bark at me. I'm kind of ashamed of myself as it is. Everybody showing up at Louise's. Even me. But I left to come with you, didn't I? That's why you did? Just to be with me? Sure it is. Let's go down to the depot. Maybe we'll run into Fulmer Green and his gang. They're tough as all get-out. "Baltimore and Ohio." Oh, "Chesapeake and Illinois". Look, there's one from way out West. Denver and Rio Grande. I bet that's a good railroad, don't you? Hi, Drake. Hi, Parris. - Up here on the fence. - Hiya, Red. - What you doing up there? - Oh, this is where I live. - What are you all doing way down here? - Going down to Elroy's icehouse. - What for? - Swing on the rings. - Why don't you come, too? - All right. You go on. I'll catch up with you. Why didn't she come right along with us? Say, you don't know much, do you? I guess her old man knows better than to let her go around with boys. She's kind of tough, though. You ought hear her cuss. Watch this. Oh, I can do that. Try this! Here I come. Doggone! - Go on, Parris, you skin the cat. - Go ahead, Parris. I'll bet you can't do it. Go on, hurry up! Come on. Try it again. Try it again. Trouble is your pants are too tight. Take them off, why don't you? I can't. I haven't got anything on under them. Oh! Bye, you all. I'm coming down this way again sometime, Red. All right! It's a free country. I guess. Look at those horses. Doc Gordon's buggy, ain't it? Willy Mclntosh. I heard his pa's sicker than a cat. You ask him. You're gonna be a doctor. I'm sorry about your father, Willy. What's Dr. Gordon going to do to him? He's going to do an operation! Pa's got ulcers on his leg. - What's ulcers? - I don't know. They're terrible bad, though. - He's got to have them cut out. - I hope your father will... He's got to quit that. That's my pa! Didn't Dr. Gordon give your old man chloroform? The doctor says he's got heart disease. I thought they had to give chloroform for an operation. He's gotta quit that. He's gotta quit! I'll kill that old doctor. I'll kill him! Let's get out of here. I never heard a grown man cry and holler like that before, did you? Bye, Drake. I had a good time today. Sure. Why not? You stick with me and I can teach you a lot. I guess you can, all right. Sure. We're friends and we ought to go on being friends. Drake McHugh. Get in here and do your chores! All right, Aunt Mamie! Here's where I catch it again. - Remember what I just said. - I sure will, Drake. Parris? For heaven sake. Is that you, Cassie? Where have you been? Well, down to the tracks with Drake McHugh, and to Elroy's icehouse. He and I and Randy Monaghan swung on the rings. Did you swing on the rings with Randy Monaghan? That doesn't mean anything. Say, don't you know it's almost dark. I just had to tell you something, something terrible. Here, I've got a hankie some place. I can't go to school anymore. You can't? Papa says he's gonna teach me out of books and things. He says it'll be better for me. - But everybody goes to school. - I don't. Not anymore. But if you don't go to school, then you can't walk home with me, or go swimming or play with me or anything. Maybe I can't ever go anywhere. Maybe I'll just have to stay home like Mama does all the time. Gee! Cassie, wait a minute! Cassie! Whoa there! Well, for Pete's sake! Look who's here. - Parris! - Hello, Drake. Where you been keeping yourself? This is the fella I was telling you about. Meet the Ross girls, Jinny and Poppy Ross. - How do you do? I've heard about you... - Oh, I'll just bet you have. Say, how do you like my new horse and buggy? Just got my allowance yesterday. What have you been doing with yourself, anyway? I've been pretty busy, Drake. College... He's studying to be a doctor. He's smart as a whip. Hey, climb in the buggy and forget your studies. We're going out for a ride in the country. Sit Jinny on your lap or I'll give you Poppy if you like them plump. I do! - Some other time, Drake... - Well, there's no time like right now. Why, I can't go this afternoon. I'm on my way to see, well, Dr. Tower. - Cassie's old man? What for? - I'm gonna read medicine with him. Say, I didn't know anybody ever got to see the Towers. - How long has this been going on? - Oh, it hasn't. This is the first time I've been there. - Cassie Tower? Ain't she the one... - Sure, she is. Her old man keeps her under lock and key like he thought every fellow in town was aiming to kidnap her. I guess they'd like to at that. Say, I haven't seen Cassie since we were kids together in school. - Have you? - No. No, I haven't. Sure wish I was in your boots. Let me know how you come out. I'll have to go now. Only gal in school that used to wear silk stockings. I'm sorry about this afternoon. Some other time. Oh, sure, kid. See you soon. Well, here we go. Cassie? Down there. The last door. - How are you, Cassie? - I'm all right. I'm sorry to hear your mother isn't well. Down there. Come in. How do you do, sir? Hereafter, you may come around to the study door. It won't be necessary for you to come through the house. I beg your pardon? I said, hereafter, you will use this door. You will come through it and you will leave through it. - Sit down. - Thank you, sir. I understand your grandmother proposes sending you to medical school in Vienna. Yes, sir. Well, if you have any brains, I might be able to prepare you for the examinations. Do you want to be a good doctor or one of these country quacks? Oh, I want to be a good one like... - Like whom? - Like those you read about in books. What books? I got into it that time, didn't I, sir? I guess I mean the legendary sort of doctor. Well, Mitchell, of course, I don't know at all your approach to medicine. Perhaps you regard it as an opportunity to become one of those bedside manners with a list of the proper pills to give the patient, particularly when you don't know what is the matter with him. Or perhaps your aim is to become an eminent carpenter with a knife and a chisel and a saw. Perhaps, even you flow over with the nobility of relieving humanity's suffering. I'll tell you my approach to medicine. It is a game. It is a game in which man pits his brain against the forces of destruction and disease. In the beginning, I don't expect you to be able to participate in the game. You'll only listen and accept. You will study and you will make notes and you will memorize, and you will do all this only because I tell you to. The details are simple, Colonel. I want to leave everything to Parris so that his schooling is assured. I want to do the best I can for him with what I have. Yes, yes, of course. Of course. It's wise to have a will, ma'am. Then, in case anything should happen to you unexpectedly... It wouldn't be unexpected now, Isaac. I think it's urgent we complete arrangements quickly. Marie, I'll have to be blunt. How much time do you think you have? Well, Henry? Madam has a few months, a year at best. I don't believe it. I don't believe a word of it. But we'll act as if Gordon knows what he's talking about. You don't look it, Marie. You don't look it in the least. We all have to die. I shan't want to. For Parris' sake, I shan't want to at all. But if you'll please excuse me. I feel a little tired now. Certainly, Marie. - Good night, my dear friend. - Good night. Thank you both for your kindness. I think I'll go to bed now, Anna. When she passes, how much passes with her? A whole way of life. A way of gentleness. And honor and dignity. These things are going, Henry. And they may never come back to this world. - You are up late. - So are you. But every night. These books, so thick and heavy. Do you have to read them all? I guess these books are only the beginning. You like to read them? And Dr. Tower, do you like him? You knew I would when you sent me. Confess. I only know that you have to judge people by what you find them to be and not by what other people say they are. Oh, I don't pretend to understand him. What he's like, I mean. But he's the most brilliant man I ever met. I know I'm lucky to be working with him. Does he like you? Half the time he doesn't even know I'm there. Well, he will. He should. Go to bed now, Parris. - Take care of yourself. - Oh, you're one to talk. - Put her to bed at once, Anna. - Yes, sir. Listen to the man. Good night, my darling. I'm crazy about you, lady. - Good night, Anna. - Good night, Parris. And in diagnosis, you must never underrate the value of subconscious observation. Instinct, if you want to call it that. Or, more properly, intuition. It's what makes a born physician. Better ease up a little on your work, young man. - Oh, I'm quite all right, sir. - You don't look it. We've had a hard winter. Take the afternoon off. Get outside somewhere. You need to see some other boys. Rowdy around a little. Do you good. - What is it? Have you no friends? - I have one, sir. Well, a little loneliness won't hurt you, to speak of. You get used to it. There's something I want to speak of. I was terribly sorry about Mrs. Tower. No one seemed to know about the funeral. Thank you. I received your note and your grandmother's. I'd like to see Cassandra and tell her, too, if I may. I shall be very glad to tell Cassandra, thank you. Dr. Tower... You have a question? No, sir. - Run along, my boy. - Goodbye, Doctor. Hi, Parris. Gee, Drake, I'm glad to see you. You know, kid, if you're gonna keep your nose buried in those books all the time, it's up to me to look you up. - Hop in. - Sure. Say, it's funny, you coming along this afternoon, Drake. Dr. Tower just told me I ought to see you. - Me? - He said I ought to look up my friends. Oh, that's me all over. - How's Cassie? - I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Well, Dr. Tower makes me use the side door - and I just don't see her. - I bet I'd find a way. You know, kid, if you don't go out after things in this world, you don't get anything. You never did come with me to see the Ross gals. I took them and Dudley Wright down to Whaley's pond just last week on a picnic. Hotchy-koo, boy! - Where we going now, Drake? - We're gonna stop by the Gordons. I want you to help me talk to Louise. What do you want me to talk to Louise about? Well, she's the gal I've decided to marry. Drake, you're gonna get married? Didn't you know about me and Louise? I thought everybody knew everything about everybody in this town. Just do this for me, will you, kid? I'm in a mess. You'll see. It's almost time for Papa and Mama to come home. - Drake, don't you think you... - No! Make Drake calm down, Parris. Oh, I know Papa's unreasonable. He's mean to me. But I'm a girl, and I'm afraid of him. Well, what's the old geezer got against me? Why can't I ever see you anymore? Will you be mad if I tell you something? Well, what? I don't know. I'm already mad. I won't talk about it then. Go on. What is it? All right, I'll tell you what Papa said. Well... It's about Poppy Ross. Oh, that. He said you're wild. Of course, I don't pay any attention. I know you've been taking her out buggy riding. I don't mind. Not too much. I know you get lonesome and you're not in love with Poppy, but I'm lonesome, too, and I haven't any Poppy Ross. And people are talking and Papa and Mama hear them... What's that? Quick. Go out the back way. I think it's time we looked the old mossbacks in the eye. Drake, you're all worked up. Maybe if you come out and cool off... Is this your doing, Louise? No, it's mine, Dr. Gordon. I want to speak to you. I've nothing to say or listen to. Then I'd like to talk to you, Mrs. Gordon. Drake McHugh, it's a mercy your dear Aunt Mamie isn't alive to see you these days. She was a righteous, God-fearing woman. Oh, can it. - Well, I guess it's up to you, Louise. - What do you mean, Drake? I won't get the money my Aunt Mamie left me for two years, but until then we can make out together somehow. That settles that. Let's go. Wait a minute, Drake. I... Just because I'm out in the open about things! - Just because I don't sneak around. - Now, be reasonable, Drake. I'll show them. I'll get my horse and buggy and drive by the Gordons every day with Poppy Ross. I don't care. I'll even have her right to my house if I want to. Say, I wonder why I never thought of that. It is awfully hard for a girl to stand up against her family. All right, I know. I'm always wrong. I always have been ever since I can remember. Hello, Cassandra. It's me, Parris. I didn't want to scare you. Why, hello. - Come in. - I was on my way home when I remembered I left my notebooks today. Oh... Come on in. I guess you know where they are. Yes. The doctor always leaves them in the same drawer. Sit down? I'd like to. Is your father in? He's gone to St. Louis. The 6:00 train. He'll be back Tuesday. - Do you have to go? - No. - May I stay a while? - Over here by me. I... Do you know, Cassie, I haven't seen you to talk to you, really, in a long time. Yes, I know. All the time I've been coming to study with your father - I'd been hoping I'd see you. - It'll probably be the only time. Oh, why? I can't see anyone, ever. Don't you know that? - Your father won't let you? - I said I can't see anyone. You don't have to ask questions to understand that, do you? Well, I don't know. I want to ask you why, if you don't want to tell me, if you don't want to see me... Oh, don't get your feelings hurt, Parris. Just let's talk. All right, Cassie. - What can we talk about? - Oh, anything. Tell me what you do all the time. I just read and study and practice, that's all. - Do you still study music? - Yes. Well, I just read and study, so I guess you're ahead of me. I never see people. I just read books. Why'd your father take you out of school when you were such a little girl? Was it because... If you want to know, why don't you ask him? Always, after that, I kept remembering. Little things. How you'd trot along the road with me home from school. The way you had of tilting your head when you'd look up. The color that the sun made your hair when you said, "I like to be your girl. "I guess you're my sweetheart, too." That's the way I thought of you most of the time. Then sometimes I'd remember you were growing up, too. Why, you were 16, now 18. Then I'd wonder what you were doing, right then, at that moment. Were you sewing or studying your lessons or crying or could you be laughing? Could you be laughing when I was thinking so hard about you - and feeling so terrible? - Children can be so silly. Oh, no. No, I don't mean that, Parris. You were always the nicest. Oh, just talk about something else, will you? You are pretty, Cassie. Really you are. You're prettier than you ever have been, and you always have been the prettiest girl in town. Don't! Oh, I'm sorry. - Cassie. - Parris. - Hey, who's out there? - It's me, Drake. Parris. Well, for Pete's sake, what're you doing around here this time of night? - Let me in, quick. - Be right down, kid. - What's up? - Nothing. I just came by. Just took the chance. Drake, can I stay here with you tonight? Say, are you crazy, you galoot? No, I don't guess I am. Hey, something's happened and you'd better tell me what it is. Why, I just want to stay here. I'll telephone at home in the morning and say I stayed here with you all night. All right, all right. But I just want to make sure you're not in any trouble, kid. - You better tell me where you've been. - I'd rather not, Drake. For Pete's sake, you! What's funny? And I've been saying I'd take you around and show you the ropes! Well, for Pete's sake! Come on, get that wet coat off! I'll fix you a cup of coffee. It won't take a minute. No, no, thanks. I don't want any. Well, all right then. Come on up and get these wet clothes off. Say, I'll have to take care of you now. Come on, pile into bed. Of course, you'll have to bunk with me. I hope you won't mind, Mr. Mitchell. It's just as I say, madam. All the time he comes in, then he goes out. He wanders all over the place, absentminded and just looks at things. Maybe there is a girl. It's something more than a girl, madam. He's in love with here, with this place. I have no idea what you're talking about. Madam, I've watched him grow every day of his life. I feel, in here, sometimes just what he feels. It's this, I think he feels change. I think he's afraid something is to happen and he doesn't understand. - Anna, you haven't told him. - No, madam. He mustn't know, Anna. Oh, no, madam, when I think... Don't cry, Anna, for me. It will be worse for him. My troubles are almost over and his are just beginning. Growing up is so difficult, Anna. The disappointments and the heartbreaks. The frightening problems. The meannesses and the cruelties of the world. How often I have wished that his mother be lived, or his father. Or that I were his mother. It isn't fair that a young boy should be brought up by an old woman who will leave him when he needs her most. What's going to happen to him? - Parris is a good boy, madam. - I hope so. I've done my best to make him into a gentleman. And my best to provide for his future. For the rest, everything must be pleasant for him until he goes away. I will try to live until then. - Digging in? - Oh, hello, Drake. Something like that, I guess. What are you doing way out here? Oh, got a note from your sweetheart. Cupid's messenger, that's me. Thanks. What's the matter? Something gone wrong between you and old Cass? Something's going to happen, Drake. Something bad, I don't know what. It's just a feeling I've had lately. Something I can't stop happening, that maybe I'm even responsible for in some way. She wants to see me at your house again tonight. Well, don't you want to? I wouldn't say this to anyone else, Drake. Ever since we were kids, there's been no one but her. Gee, I had no idea. Well, then everything ought to be hunky-dory. Oh, I get it. Her old man. No, no, there's something more to it than that. Some mystery about Cassie herself. Dr. Tower said something once, "Each of us live in multiple worlds." It's like that with her. Say, you're getting to be a regular philosopher. No, I'm not. I've learnt a lot from Dr. Tower, though. - Not enough yet, I guess. - He's crazy, isn't he? No, he's brainier than the rest of men in this town put together. Well, there's something crazy about that house. I feel like a dog when I go there now. I like him, Drake. Yet, when I think about Cassie and the way he makes her live... Gosh, I'm all mixed up. - Come in, Parris. - Good afternoon, sir. Something on your mind? Dr. Tower, I'm going to ask you a question perhaps you won't like answering. - Then I shan't answer it. - Is Dr. Gordon a good doctor? Not a very a tactful question, young man, nor a very ethical one for a young doctor-to-be to ask. Ever since I can remember I've noticed things. When I was just a kid, there was Willy Maclntosh's father who died from shock during an operation without anesthetic. There have been other cases, Ludie Simms. You know the widow the men all wink about? Dr. Gordon operated on her, now one whole side of her face is horribly paralyzed. There've been others. Now he's attending my grandmother. I can assure you that in your grandmother's case he knows his business. I'm glad to hear you say that, sir. - Trust my judgment, do you? - I know you know. Maybe you're a fool, Parris Mitchell. - Like a cup of coffee, my boy? - Yes, sir. Parris, I began this work with you with decided misgivings. It's only fair to tell you now that I've enjoyed it. - Let the devil take the hindmost, eh? - I guess I'll have to, sir. Oh, it's not too bad a philosophy sometimes. - Hope you like your coffee black. - Thank you. - Oh, have you read this? - Yes, sir. I didn't understand it entirely, I'm afraid. Well, it's a new field. They've even a new word for it: Psychiatry. It's something I never thought about. I mean, for a doctor to want to cure diseases of people's minds instead of their bodies. - I suppose it a pretty big field, sir. - Maybe too big. Maybe a hundred years off. Of course, one never knows. There's a stir in Vienna now. I don't want to push you one way or the other, but if you are interested, I have some other material. You had medieval history in school this year, didn't you, Parris? Yes, sir. You should pay some attention to 12th and 13th centuries. A man's discomfort, his real discomfort in this world began not long after then. - But I always... - Oh, I know, soap. Macadamized roads, dentistry and freedom of speech. - Yes, yes, sir. - Negligible factors. In the 13th century, man was happier and more comfortable in his world than he is now. I'm speaking of psychic man and his relation with his whole universe. I get it, sir. Everything was so simple then. That was it, Parris. That was it. But now, in this modern, complicated world, man breaks down under the strain, the bewilderment, disappointment and disillusionment. He gets lost, goes crazy, commits suicide. I don't know what's going to happen to this world in the next hundred years or so, but I can guarantee you life isn't going to get any simpler. Worry and doubt bring on a belly-ache. Mankind's building up the biggest psychic belly-ache in history. I'd better stop this. I seem to be in a vein of epigrammatic sententiousness today. I was thinking, as you were talking... No, I don't guess I better say it. Go ahead, there's no one listening but me. Well, you were saying that man gets lost. It seems to me that these lost people have kind of fooled themselves clear out of the world of reality. And the right way is to fool them right back in again, like catching a rabbit that's strayed out of its pen. You get his attention on something else and he doesn't see the gate and the first thing he knows he's back home again. Did you read that phrase somewhere? "Back home again in the pen"? No, sir. I must have made it up. It won't surprise me, young man, if you become a good doctor. Maybe even a brilliant one. Now, you run along home and I'll get these entrance applications off to Vienna. I've enjoyed this afternoon very much, sir. I like your politeness, Parris. You're a credit to your grandmother. And you're going to be a credit to me, too. I'll try to be, sir. If I had a son, I'd want him to be as nearly like you as possible. Yeah, yeah, that is good. That is better than you know, Parris. Such a waste of talent for you to become a doctor. Excuse me. - Anna, how is she today? - The same. The weather will be cooler soon. If you'll excuse me, Professor Berdorff, - I don't feel like finishing. - Yeah. Dr. Gordon came here twice today. Anna. - How long has this been necessary? - How stupid, I left it. Anna? For several weeks, Parris. - Cancer? - Yes, Parris. Why wasn't I told? Why have I been kept out of this like a child? Madam wished it. She wanted you to finish your studies without worrying. She made me promise. She thought she would live through September. And she won't? Is that what you mean? It's impossible that she could live more than a few days. - Only a few days? - Yes, Parris. Parris. Oh, Parris, I had to see you. Weren't you scared here in the dark by yourself? A little. You know I wouldn't have telephoned just now - if it wasn't important. - Well, let's go back to your house? No, I had to get out of the house tonight, I couldn't stand it. - Cassie, what's the matter? - Can't we just walk here in the trees? I never realize how little you are till I walk with you. Oh, you've just gotten to be awfully tall. It seems a long time ago since we walked home this way from school. Look, Parris, the pond. I'd forgotten how lovely it was. You know something? I used to think of this as our secret lake. So did I. How odd it is that we should both... Or perhaps it isn't odd at all. You'll be going away pretty soon now. Yes, I guess so. I'll miss you. Will you really, Cassie? So much I don't know what will become of me. - I adore you, Cassie. - Don't. Even now, don't say anything you don't mean. I don't even know how I feel about you. I haven't known since the day you came to our house and I opened the door. I know I just never think of anyone else but you, but... - Why whenever I ask... - I didn't come here to be questioned. - I can't understand you. Sometimes... - Don't talk about it, please. - You said you had something to tell me. - Did I? Parris. You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, don't you? - What is it that frightens you? - It's... - I'm... - Tell me. I don't think they're treating you right, Parris. That's it. Parris, your grandmother is dying and they don't tell you. I thought you ought to know. I was afraid of what the sudden shock might've done to you. Oh, darling! I guess it's just as bad the way I've told you. No, no. It's all right, Cassie. I knew. I'm glad you wanted to tell me, though. I just won't have anyone at all, Cassie, when... I forget sometimes, how pretty you are. Oh, Parris. - You're crying. - Just a little bit, never mind. But I do mind. I mind awfully. Oh, why do you have things happen to you? Why do you have to cry? You're the nicest, best. Why do any of us have to cry? You or me, what have we done? Oh, I hate it. I hate everything. I'd hate God if I could. But there's nothing you can reach. - Cassie. - Don't. Don't say anything. I want you to hate it, too, whatever hurts us. Oh, Parris, don't cry. Please don't cry, I can't stand that. Oh, darling! Darling, darling. This may be the last time I can see you. Cassie, listen to me. I'm going away, but I'm coming back. I want to be a good doctor, a great one if I can. When I come back, maybe somehow the time will pass quickly. When I come back, will you marry me? - Cassie, don't you want to marry me? - If I can let you understand. - Maybe I do. - No, you don't. Not at all. You couldn't. - Well, never mind, Cassie... - Please, Parris. Everything is perfect until we try to talk about it. Don't try to understand me. But just be with me when you can, and... Cassie? - Parris, you are here. - Yes, I... I came for you at midnight when Dr. Gordon left. - Anna, is she... - No. Dr. Gordon said he couldn't do anything more. I thought maybe, I hoped it would be over before you came in. You come now. Anna, I can't help her. No, no. - Getting straightened around? - Oh, hello, Drake. Are you sure you don't mind my storing all these books here? I guess the old barn is big enough to hold them. It's been awfully good of you, Drake, to take me in just now. - I can't be any fun to be with. - Well, it's like I always said, you and me are in the same boat, more than ever now. There's something I've been meaning to ask you for a long time, Drake. You haven't said anything about Louise Gordon in I don't know when. Heck. I guess I'll marry somebody like Poppy Ross. - It's more fun anyways. - You wouldn't do a thing like that. No, I guess not. Someday I'm gonna surprise some of the people in this town. When I get my money I'm going into business. Settle down hard, when I do settle down. I'll make Louise proud of me and then maybe she... What's that? - Cassie. - Parris! - Parris, I got to talk to you. - If you two will excuse me. Don't go. I've only a word to say. You know all about us anyway. You look... You look... - How? - You look scared. - Parris, let me go away with you. - Go away? You mean when I go to Europe? Anywhere, anywhere, I don't care. I'll run away somewhere. Let me go with you, I can take care of you. But we can't get married now. I've got to get through all that study first. I asked you if, when I came back, you'd... Never mind. Cassie, if you'd rather, I... - It was a wicked idea. Forgive me. - Wait a minute. Sit down. - Tell me what happened. - Nothing. Nothing at all. I must go. - I'll take you home. - No. No, you can't. You've got to let me talk to you now, Cassie. You'd better let me go part of the way anyhow. Thank you, no. Good night. - I'm going over there, Drake. - Take it easy. She said... Well, you heard her. She didn't want you to come along. She looked twice as scared when you suggested it. See there, nothing's happened. He's sitting on the porch swing. For half a cent I'd go in there. That's just what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take her out right in front of him. We'll move out to my place. You a farmer? You're gonna be a doctor. It's what you've always wanted and what your grandma planned. - Kid, if I have to slug you... - Let loose, Drake. I... There. Does that look like anything's happened? Old Cass was just having a fit about you going away, that's all. All women and girls act like that sometimes. It doesn't mean a thing. Just the same, Drake, I'm scared. I don't know why. What you need is some sleep. You're worn out and nervous. Come on home. You can see Cassie tomorrow. Just don't say anything to him about it. Here, maybe I better take it up. Are you awake, kid? Here. Eat your breakfast. - What's the idea of all the attention? - Come on. Better eat this. You all right, Drake? I've got something to tell you, but you gotta drink your coffee first. Tell me now. It's something about Cassie. Cassie's dead. She was killed early last night. I guess shortly after we were there. Who? Her father killed her and committed suicide. - I don't believe it. You... - Now, get a hold of yourself, kid. I'll tell you everything I know. I heard it first from Ester when she came in early this morning and I telephoned the Gazette and confirmed it. Cassie was poisoned. Quite a bit later, Dr. Tower shot himself. He hadn't been dead very long when the cook came in and found them. He left some kind of letter or letters. I don't know which, the Gazette said. I'm going over now and see what I can find out. Yes, that's it, Drake. We've got to go. You're not going if I have to tie you in the cellar. - I've got to. - Listen, you fool. Cassie was here last night. We were probably the last people who saw her alive. If you won't think about yourself I should think you'd at least want to protect her. Protect her, Drake? I think I've killed her... Yeah. You say that out loud a few times and somebody'll believe you. Then where'll your future in this town be shot to? - I don't care. - Listen, kid, I know how you feel. I know what you'd like to do, but just let me go first. That's all I ask. I'll come back and tell you everything. Then you can do whatever you feel is right. - Hey, McHugh. - Friend of the family. - Find anything more? - Not yet. Darndest mystery. Hello, Sam. Good afternoon, Colonel Skeffington. Well, what do you want here, Drake? This is no time... Wait a minute, Sam. Just as well you came by. Where's Parris Mitchell? Still at your house? Yes, sir. Ask him to be kind enough to wait there till I can see him. - May I ask why, sir? - I want to talk to him. He isn't the one you want to talk to. What's that? Anything new? Just something about the girl. You mean her having her things packed ready to skedaddle. Tell you later. What were you about to say? When you say that Parris is not the one we should talk to, you imply there's someone else. I guess I mean me. Do you know something about this affair? I knew Cassie Tower. I just heard you say her things were packed. Well, we were going to run away. She'd been getting out to meet me for a long time. Do I have to say anything more? Did Dr. Tower know anything about this? I guess I wouldn't be here today if he had. Pretty lucky. But I don't know anything about this crime or whatever you call it. And if you want to put me on the stand I'll even lie about what I just told you. - Is it all right if I go now? - I guess it is. Nothing to hold you on. Why did you come here to tell us this? I just wanted to relieve your mind, sir. You won't need to talk to Parris now, will you? Looks like you jumped to the wrong conclusion, Drake. All I wanted to see Parris for was to tell him about this letter that Dr. Tower wrote. He left his property, everything he owned to Parris. He what? Well, it appears you weren't so lucky as you thought you were. If he'd know about his prospective son-in-law he might have left it to you. I guess I'll go now, sir. Funny thing. I sort of like that boy. Bold as brass. But he is the only young man in town beside Parris Mitchell who has grace enough to say sir to his elders. - Now, for Pete's sake, please... - Why, Drake? Why did it happen? Why did Cassie come here last night? What was she afraid of? What happened since the other night when I saw her? What reason could her father have had for killing her? What reason could he have had for killing himself? Why didn't Cassie explain things last night? Why did Dr. Tower leave me his property? Why should anyone wanna kill Cassie, who never did any harm to anyone? Why? Say, do you know it's the middle of the night? Sit down, Drake. Sure, what's up? I think I know... I do know why Dr. Tower killed Cassie and himself. Sure enough? You've got to promise me this'll be a secret between us, Drake. Of course. Drake, do you remember Mrs. Tower very well? Cassie's mother? A little, when we were kids. How she used to stay inside all the time just up in her window looking out? Sure. Everybody thought she was loco. How do you feel about people like that, Drake? Do we have to talk about it now? How do you feel about somebody who gets a bad heart, or something wrong with their legs or their hands or their eyes? Well, things like that, that aren't their fault... That's the way I feel about people who get something wrong with their brains. Say, are you trying to tell me Dr. Tower... You know, kid, I always did tell you... There's a note here near the beginning that says, "Today, I noticed the first sign in Cassandra." - Do you mean that she... That Cassie... - Not so you could notice it. No more, I suppose, when Mrs. Tower was when D. Tower fell in love with her and married her. - Our own Cassie? - They were just the first indications, the early maladjustments of dementia praecox. Hey, you sound like a doctor already. I certainly don't feel like one. Well, we won't talk about it anymore... No, I'd rather. Drake, I think Dr. Tower knew about us. About you and Cassie? But, do you think that she knew? About herself, I mean. Yes, I'm sure she did. That's why whenever I asked her questions about us I could never pin her down. What about the night she came to ask you to take her away? She wasn't pinned down then. A kind of final desperation, I guess. I don't know what Dr. Tower knew about that night. Maybe nothing. Maybe he guessed. Maybe he was just looking into my future. - I don't quite follow you, kid. - He was a brilliant doctor, Drake. Why did he come to a little town here like Kings Row and bury himself while he was still pretty young? You mean Mrs. Tower? He didn't want that to happen to me that happened to him... Stop his career. He thought more of me than I ever knew, Drake. Listen, Parris. Let's burn this book up and nobody will ever know but ourselves. No, Drake. We're not going to burn it. I'm going to study this book. - I'm tired now. - Sure, kid. I'll get the light. Drake, I'm going now as quickly as I can. I've had about as much as I can take, I think. And you just stay out of the house until it's sold. Anything you want there, anything at all, just take it. Let the rest of the stuff go. Write to me. If there's ever anytime you need me, my Liebchen, I will... I know, Anna, I know that. Hello, Drake McHugh. Why, hello, Randy Monaghan. Say, I haven't seen you in a long while. You never did come back to Elroy's icehouse. Going away? - Hello, Randy. - Hello, Parris. Parris is going away. He's going clear to Europe. Sure enough? Gonna stay long? I don't know. I haven't felt like making plans. - I think I'll just let things happen. - He'll be back. I heard your grandmother died, Parris. - Yes. - I'm sorry. Say, Randy, I'll bet you're the prettiest girl in the world. Here she comes. - Gosh. - What's the matter? I hate to see that boy go away. He's the best friend I've got. - He's a nice boy, isn't he? - Very best. There he goes. Four or five years. Gosh. Say, I have my buggy down here. How about coming for a ride out in the country? All right, let's. Oh, wait a minute. Bread and butter. Have you ever seen a prettier day? Whoa, there, Tom Thumb. What's the hurry? - Why do you call him Tom Thumb, Drake? - Because he's so big. - That makes sense. - My kind of sense. That's what I mean. - I got him trained. - I see. He knows just what I want him to do. I guess he's had plenty of training, too. - You mean, going on by himself? Sure. - Why? For this. I'm as bright as the horse, but not so well trained. Oh, gee, Randy. I'm so lonely and blue. Be nice to me, will you? Maybe you got me confused with one of the Ross girls. Well, what's the harm in a little kiss? A kiss? Suppose we find out? - No, no, wait a minute. - Hey. Happy new century, dummy. This is it, honey. Did you bring me way up here in the wind just to look at scenery? But I'm going to buy all this with Peyton Graves - when I come into my money. - What for? Just something I dreamed up. A subdivision. Can you imagine what it would be like to have houses up here? Yes. It'd be windy. Oh, shut up. It isn't windy all the time. But, Drake, only rich people could build houses like you're talking about. - Well, we'd sell them to rich people. - How many are there in Kings Row? What do you want to throw cold water for? Would you like me to show you what I think would be a good idea? - Where to? - The lowlands, down by the creek. The other side of the railroad track. My side. You mean here? Isn't it delicious? It stirs you up, doesn't it? - I mean... - Yes, honey. I know what you mean. - Well, doesn't it? - Yes, I guess it does. But, Drake... Now you're fixing to yell at me about something. No, I was just kind of wondering. Most everything stirs you up, doesn't it? This, the smell of wild plum blossoms, the sunlight or the moonlight or morning or noon or night. Just anything. - But mostly you. - So you say. Honest. Let's get out and walk. It looks so pretty. You bet. Drake McHugh, you make me awfully mad sometimes. Oh, now, one of the nicest things about you, honey, - is that you don't pretend anything. - Well, I don't pretend. Well then, what are we talking about? Well, for instance, right now. I suggested we walk down here. - All right, what's wrong with that? - Right away you thought... - What? - Well, all the time I only wanted to tell you my idea. Go ahead and tell me. I'm listening. I will. And it's not a bad one either. If you want to buy real estate, why don't you buy this? - This junk? - Well, it could be cleared and drained. After all, there are a lots of people who work in the clay pits, in the mills and the coal mines who'd like to own homes, too. - A lot of nickels and dimes... - Make dollars. I don't see how any one so pretty could be so practical. Remember once you came down to Elroy's icehouse and you and Parris and I played on the rings? I was an awful little toughy then, wasn't I? Oh, yes. I was. But you teased me, you tried to get fresh. - I was an awful kid, I guess. - Yes, you were. But I think I got mad mostly that day because Parris was there. I liked him a whole lot better than I did you... then. - You're sure of that now? - What do you think? When a girls acts the way I do about you, she means it. It's because I want to. Because I like you better than anybody in the world. Serious as all that? Nothing is serious to us in the whole world, is it? - Hey! - Oh, Drake, my new hat! No, my new hat. Louise. Louise. - Yes, what do you want? - Your father would hear of this. What are you crying about? - Does it make any difference? - Don't answer me like that. Why can't you let me alone? Because I don't want you sitting up here crying like a little fool over nothing. - Nothing. - Oh, I know what you're crying about. I saw Drake McHugh going by with that little nobody from downtown. - Aren't you ashamed of yourself? - For what? - For letting her take him away from me? - Louise, you know what I mean. Haven't you got any self-respect? No. Well, I almost believe you. If he wants to run around with that kind of trash... You know what boys are like. Your father is a doctor. - If you knew all I know... - I don't want to hear it! You can be sure when a boy runs around with a girl like that, it is for just... I wish it was me. What did you say? I said, I wish it was me. I wish it was me! I wish it was me! - Hi, Randy. - Hello, Ed. - Oh, let me out here, Drake. - Why? Why can't I ever let you out at your front door? It's late, and Pa and my brother Tod will be home. - I'm not good enough even for... - Drake, you were just going to say, "Even for me." I wasn't either. I was going to say, "Even for them." They don't think I'm good enough for you. Now, hold your temper. We're not a fitting match. You belong up on Union Street. Your family was rich and high-toned. My Pa's a railroad section boss... Oh, if you're gonna start that bunk about class again. Why did you drive by the Gordon's just now? Well... It's on the way home. Even when it isn't, you do. Didn't you go around with Louise for a while? Yeah. Her old man thought I was wild. So you came downtown. Anything south of the railroad tracks. Randy, you know that's not so. - Do you ever think of Louise anymore? - Sometimes. - What do you think? - I get mad. Anything else? - I don't know. - Thanks, Drake. - For what? - For being that honest. When a boy who belongs uptown begins taking a girl from the lower end of town out buggy riding at night, people talk. You know that, don't you? I'll say. Gabble, gabble, gabble. I'd like to hear them to my face sometime. Well, we can't honestly blame them for saying something that's so, can we? Oh, Randy, for Pete's sake. Well, just saying, "For Pete's sake," doesn't clear up anything. What's got to be cleared up? Just why Pa doesn't want me to go with you. I guess Ma wouldn't either, if she was still living. I'll go with you as long as you want me to. But don't get mad when I try and clear up how things are. If I married you, that'd shut their traps. - I wouldn't marry you, Drake. - What? - Surprised, aren't you? - Yes, I am. Well, that's the way it is. I'll go on this way, but no other way. Remember that, will you? This where you want to get out? - Goodbye, Drake. - Bye, honey. - Hello, sis. - There you are. I didn't mean to be so late. Here, Pa, I'll take over. Oh, well, it won't hurt us for once. Go on, sit down. I'll put it on the table. Fixed that kink in the third section today, sis. - Fixed her straight and true as a die. - That's the stuff, Tod. When Pa retires and I get to be section boss... Drake! Mr. Monaghan, I'm Drake McHugh. Maybe you've heard about me. Be a wonder if you haven't, the way people gab. And most of what they say is true. But the one thing they can't say is that I ever do anything behind anyone's back. Well, I've been taking your daughter out buggy riding. I like her and she likes me. But I won't do anything on the sly. So if you've got any objection to my going on seeing her, now is the time to spit it out. Why, no, no, no. Now, what have you got to say? Won't you sit down and have some supper? - You wanted to see me, Mr. Lawes? - Oh, yes, McHugh. Come in and sit down. It's about your account. It's overdrawn a little, you know? Naturally, the way you tear around. But I thought I had more than $1,000 in my account. How could you be that far off? I don't know. Can I talk to Mr. Curley? Mr. Curley's in Texas. Down there on business. I don't expect him back until next week. Well, I haven't been spending any money. Not much. Last July there must have been about $1,000 put in. The regular quarterly installment. Is that so? Just a minute. - There wasn't any deposit made in July. - Are you sure? Nothing since the 2nd of April. And the bonds and estate papers are in Mr. Curley's own box, I suppose? That's where he always kept them. - Bring the keys. - Yes, sir. Don't say anything about this to anyone until we're sure. - Not to anyone. - Yes, sir. Why, Drake. Come in, come in. I'd like to talk to you for a little while, Mr. Monaghan. Is Randy here? I don't want her to see me looking like this. - I just want to talk to you. - She's upstairs. I was just puttering around here. Never know what to do with myself Sundays. When Ma was alive we'd sit and talk. How about a cup of coffee? No, thanks. The constable gave me some coffee. I got drunk at Fritz Bachman's last night. Sam Winters came along and hauled me to jail just in time to keep me from getting kicked out to freeze. Fritz Bachman, lowlife skunk. Well, I didn't have to go there and get drunk. No, you didn't. To tell you the truth, son, I've been meaning to talk to you for some time. You won't need to. I gave myself a talking to this morning when I woke up in jail with three other guests of the town. I want a job, Mr. Monaghan. Can you get me a job at the railroad? I've got no place on the section gang, Drake. I guess I will have some coffee, please. Look at me, Mr. Monaghan. I look like a tramp. I'll be a tramp, if somebody doesn't give me a job. - I've tried everybody in town. - Drake? - Oh, Drake, you look like... - I know how I look. Like I was in the calaboose all night for being drunk. Oh, Drake. You know what people around town are saying about you and me? No. They're saying that you're gonna give me the gate any day now. It's nice of them to make up my mind for me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'll come to if you'll just be patient and give me a little time to get over being confused. Trouble is, I've never had to think about money all my life. Just counted on having it, and now... - Drake wants me to get him a job. - Oh? I'll talk to Mr. Turner. Maybe he'll give you a job in the yards. Switchman or flagman or something. It means being out in all kinds of weather. It won't break your back but it's work and no mistake. What are your toney friends up on Union Street going to say? I'll get you a job, son. You can depend on me. Thank you, sir. If you do, I'll sell my place uptown. I'm coming down here somewhere to live. - Pretty rough. - My friends are down here. Well, I'm going home now and clean up. If I can come back later... You stay here now. Go on up to Tod's room and I'll bring you some hot water and you can wash and shave. I'll fix you something to eat. Then you're going to bed and get some sleep. Bossy redhead, isn't she? - You know something, Randy? - What, Pa? When you was my little tomboy daughter, I used to wonder how you'd turn out. I shouldn't ought to have worried. "Baltimore and Ohio." "Chesapeake and Illinois." - Hi. - Hi. Coffee, mister? Say, you shouldn't be out on a night like this. I had to keep the railroad running. - Besides, I've got news. - So have I, come to think of it. Thanks, honey. Now, which news first? - Yours. I already know mine. - Well, Pa heard this afternoon that you're going to get a promotion. Sure enough? Mr. Turner's finally become convinced that your intentions are good. So, he's making you an assistant in the freight office with a raise of $2. You're climbing up, my friend. Twenty or 30 years like that and I'll be somewhere, won't I? - What's your news? - Oh, I got a letter from Parris. - Oh, how is he? - Fine. Hopes I'm the same. Wants to hear all the news in Kings Row. "Dear Drake, glad to hear that you're feeling good "and everything is going so..." I'll skip that. - "Of course..." - Why haven't you ever told Parris? About your bad luck, I mean. - Think that's why I got a friend? - I love your beautiful pride, darling. "Of course, I'm cramming like blazes for final examinations right now. "Just think, graduation in June. "I've definitely decided what I'm going to do with my life, Drake. "I'm going to be a... I'm going to be a... "A psychiatrist." What does that mean? Don't ask me, I'm one of the illiterate. "I think you'll understand why, remembering Cassandra. "I guess I'll be the first..." Well, here's it is again. "In Kings Row and maybe in America." Oh, you could trust Parris to be the first. Here, take it home and finish it. Gee, I'm sorry I sold the house even if I did get $400. - Why sorry? - Well, if Parris comes home this summer he could've stayed with me. Still living on the other side of the railroad tracks, aren't you? Oh, Parris isn't that kind. He's not Kings Row at all. No, I didn't mean that. What did you mean? Just you, I guess. I've been kind of wondering... Well, tonight's the Skeffington party and I know you were invited. - Are you sorry you're not there? - Not by a long shot. Most of Kings Row has forgotten me and I can forget them. You know, it's funny how things have changed with us. We used to be so... Well, so excited all the time. All breathlessness and one joke on top of another. Now, we gotten used to each other, I guess. Sometimes when we're together and you're in a mood, you don't talk for hours at a time, I wonder if you even know I'm with you. I don't want it to be that way. You're all there is. Even when I'm not with you for a minute I get all jumpy and lost. I know, darling. I'm happier than anyone has a right to be. I hope you get to be, too. - Like some more coffee? - No, thanks. Well, maybe you'll want some later. Be sure and bring the kettle home, will you? - Yeah. - I'll wait up to say goodnight. - Bye. - Bye, honey. So long, fellas! Look out! Quick, Dutch, there's been an accident. Get Doc Gordon as quick as you can. Quick, Drake McHugh has been run over. - Run over? Drake? - Don't stand there, get the doctor. Oh, Henry, do you have to leave the party? There's been an accident, Drake McHugh. - Drake McHugh? - Yes, crushed by a freight car. - What's happened to Drake? - Nothing that concerns you, Louise. Where is he? I'm going with you. You'll do nothing of the kind. You can't keep me away from him, not anymore. - Harriet. - Now, Louise. - Take your hands off me. - Louise. I'll go to him and I'll stay with him! And nothing you could do or say can stop me. - Henry! Oh, I beg your pardon. - It's all right, Colonel. I've just heard about young McHugh. - You want me to come with you? - No, no, no, stay with your guests. Keep her here. - I'm going. - Louise, Louise, people will hear. Now, be quiet. - I'll have to have some help. - What you gonna do, Doc? Someone, you, Davis, get me some blankets and a half a dozen sheets, anywhere here in the neighborhood, and be quick. Yes, sir. Can you heat some water on the stove, Dutch? - Sure. - I'll help, Doc, tell me what you want. All right, Sam, I'll need somebody steady. Now, everybody else get out. - What do you want me to do first? - Cut his clothes off. Someone stand at that door and keep everybody out. I'll do that, sir, and I'll keep them out. And when you're finished, we can take him across to my house, it's just a few steps. - Good, pull those shades down. - Yes, sir. Now, Sam, let's see. - What'll have to be done, Doc? - Amputation. - His leg? Which one? - Both. There's just a chance. - Father. - Party over? - Where's your mother? - I got out. I said I would. I stood it as long as I could, then I went down to the railroad. - You had no business there. - You had just left. They'd carried Drake away somewhere. A terrible old man was cleaning up the depot where... That will do. It was most unbecoming of you to go about parading your feelings, whatever you think they are. - Father. - What do you want to say? - You monster, you fiend! - Louise! I'll let the world know what you are, if it's the only thing I ever do. Tomorrow... Tomorrow, I'll tell everyone. I know what you are. I know all about you and your operations! You're going to bed at once. - I will not, I'm going to tell. - Louise, listen to me, I cannot permit my daughter to make an hysterical spectacle of herself. Now, go to your room and don't you come out of it again until you have my permission. I will tell, I will tell, I will tell. I'll tell them! This is enough of your willful tantrum. If you persist, there's one thing I shall have to do. - What? - If you utter one more word of the kind of nonsense I've heard from you, I shall commit you to an asylum. You wouldn't dare. I've only to go to that telephone in the hall there and have you in a cell, behind bars in one hour. - I'm not crazy and you know it. - I don't know anything of the sort. You mean, you actually think... You really... I could think nothing else when you make these insane accusations. - I'll go. - That's better. And stay in your room until I say you can come out. Yes, sir. Can you make out for an hour or two until the night nurse comes on? - Yes, I know what to do. - Good night, then. You ought to go out for some fresh air. I've got to be here when he finds out. Sit down and have some supper, child. Please drink some coffee. You haven't slept for three nights. He's going to get well, the doctor promised that. I know what you're thinking. Even if he does get well, how is he going to make out now. I wish you wouldn't talk about it. I want you to hear what I've got to say. You want to keep Drake here, don't you? That's what you want, ain't it, Randy? - Randy. - Yes, Tod? He's waking up, I think. Did the doctor say to give him another injection this evening? - No, I'll go to him and talk... - Randy wants to keep Drake here. Gee, that's fine. You got to have somebody to look after him. Oh, Randy, what's the matter, sis? Drake hasn't got any money. Almost none, anyway. - Money? - Yes, he's just got a few dollars. Well, he don't need any, does he? Oh, sis. Randy! Randy! Randy! Where's the rest of me? - Drake. - Randy! Yes, Drake? It was that accident. Yes, dear, but don't talk about it, yet. Parris. - Herr Mitchell. - Dr. Candell just sent for me. Letter came for you, special delivery, thought it might be important. Thanks, Heinrich. Come in. - Good afternoon, Mitchell. - Good afternoon, sir. - I beg your pardon, letter from home. - Home? That's some little hamlet in North America, I believe. Yes, sir. - Care to read it? - Oh, no, later. Mitchell, we've liked your work here. It may please you to know that you will graduate with one of the best records of our recent history. Really, sir? Another thing may please you. At least, I hope it does. I've been talking to some of the others. We plan to expand our department of Psychiatric Research here. It gives us satisfaction to offer you a post with us. Me? Of course, if you want time to think it over. No indeed, you might change your minds. Good. You begin immediately. The summer term. And, if you care to celebrate tonight, they say that that new dancer at the Hotel Crillon is divine. Drake. This first sentence. "You and Randy stick together until I get there." Yes, I know it by heart. Of course, he doesn't understand I haven't any money. Even selling the house is only a few hundred dollars. So? Oh, for Pete's sake, Randy, I can't ever earn anymore. So, I thought... Well, I remembered that if you have just a little money that... Well, I've heard there are homes that you can get into. Drake McHugh. Don't do that, Randy, I'd be all right. I'm going to see to it that you are. Listen, Drake, I didn't ask to come into your life, did I? No. All right, but then you owe me something. You owe me yourself. - Drake, are you all right? - Yes. I guess I don't get it through my head just what you want. I want you to trust yourself entirely to me for a while, until you're up and around... You see, honey, I can't ever be up and around. What has happened is terrible, but you're alive. - That's a lot of good. - You're alive and I love you. I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen until I've finished. Then you can talk if you want to, but I want my say first. It's first of all, what Parris said there in the cablegram. "You and Randy stick together until I get there." We're going to do that, but I'd made up my mind about it a long time before this happened. Then after you got hurt, I just had to figure out how, that was all. Remember once you said something about marrying me? Well, I got mad because I guess I'd been a little hurt. I knew you'd never thought about it until just then. Then I shouldn't be blaming you even that much. You never thought about much of anything in those days until you had to. Then, later on you came down here. Remember the morning you came to ask Pa to help you get a job? Well, I made up my mind that day that I'd marry you, as soon as the right time came around. I guess I was convinced inside by then that you did wanna marry me. I knew I wanted to marry you... - Randy, for Pete's sake, I... - Hush, you were to listen. So, now the right time has come. We'll get married, and then we'll work out some way what we'll do afterwards. - Randy. - I won't listen. I'm going to cable Parris now and tell him. He'll be glad, Drake. Of course, Randy, it is a ghastly and terrible tragedy, particularly to have happened to Drake. He lived by his freedom and independence. He will feel, probably already feels, that he's lost both. It'll be your problem to restore them to him. Repairs to the body can sometimes be made in a short space of time. The injury to the mind, to what is called the psyche, this takes longer. The psychic injuries strike at his pride, his initiative, and we shall have to save them if we're to save Drake. Never when I decided to become a psychiatrist did I imagine I'd be writing my first prescription for my dearest friend. As soon as he's well enough, he must find an interest outside of himself. Some job to do that will force him to depend upon himself and make his own decisions. The helpless invalid complex must be avoided at all cost. In fact, he must be made to feel that since he was making a living for himself he will, of course, go on making a living. I've written to the bank instructing them to turn over to you the small Tower estate that was left me. Use it to make some sort of a new beginning for you. I don't care if it's real estate or chicken farming, so long as it is something that will take his mind off himself and make him realize that he's still some use in this world. I feel so helpless being way over here. I rely on you. You must obey my instructions faithfully. Dear friend, Parris, I don't know what I'd do without your daily letters. I think I'm just beginning to see what you're trying to accomplish. I had a terrible time about the money. I tried to remember what you said, to make him decide for himself. But you know Drake, how proud he is. If you could have seen him jutting out his chin and saying... I won't take charity. - Very well, dear. - Do you want me to take it? You'll have to decide that for yourself, Drake. Women haven't got any sense about money. Of course, I'd hate to see you hurt Parris' feelings. What do you mean? Oh, he's gone to all that trouble. You'd do the same for him, mind you. I guess you'd feel pretty bad, too if he just took some of your money without any intention of ever returning it. But that's just the point. How could I ever pay him back? You think I can learn needlework, honey? Don't joke like that. Well, if there was anything at all I could do... You still got your brains, Drake. No, don't turn your face to the wall. Look at me. You're my man and I love you. And you're a better man than a lot I know. Take Peyton Graves, for instance, puffed up like a pouter pigeon because he went ahead with that real estate deal all by himself. Say... No, I guess, we couldn't. Couldn't what? That land down by the creek you're so crazy about. Oh, I don't know why we couldn't. You've got brains. Of course, you'd have to tell me everything to do, I'm only a woman. - Do you think we should try it? - You're the boss. Oh, let's, Drake. We can do anything together. We're just a young couple starting out. Others have started on borrowed money. Wouldn't old Parris be surprised if he came home and found us all set up in business? His money doubled or maybe tripled. Hey, go easy. He wouldn't be ashamed of me then, would he? Parris? He'd be proud of me, wouldn't he, Randy? Sure, he'd be. He'd be doggone proud of me, wouldn't he? Parris, my boy. Parris. - Hello, sir. - Well, well, home at last, eh? I couldn't be gladder to see anyone. You're looking very well, sir. You haven't changed a bit. Just grown up a little, that's all. Well, come on, I got my buggy waiting. Would you mind if I didn't come right now, sir? I want to see Drake. - You understand? - Oh, sure, sure. - Give me the bag. - Fine. Come up to the office whenever you get through. - Parris! - Randy. - Randy. - Oh, Parris, I'm so glad to see you. How is he? How is he, really? Oh, I don't know, he's better. I think he's better. Oh, I've tried, Parris. But now you're home. Randy. Oh, hurry, Drake will be crazy. He'll be so glad to see you. - Look. Look who's here. - Drake. Mary, blessed Mother of God. Mary, blessed Mother of God. Mary, blessed Mother of God. Well, how does the old town look? Oh, I don't know, all right. Of course, after Vienna and Paris, it's a little strange. I'll bet. Well, it's the same old provincial hole. Population: 5,000 billy goats and me. As long as there's you and people like you, Kings Row will be all right. I won't take up any more of your time, sir, if you just tell me where my bag is, I'll run over to the hotel. Did you notice anything as you came along the hall? Something new or anything like that? - Don't believe I did. - Not a thing, eh? Then I got a surprise for you. Yes, sir, you wait and see. Fixed it up to set you off on the right foot and make you feel at home. - You like it? - It's very thoughtful of you, sir, I... Well, I must say, you don't seem very much pleased. Don't tell me that Europe's given you notions. No, no, sir, it's not that. It's just that... Oh, you've gone to all this trouble and I don't think I'm going to settle here. Not permanently, that is. Not in Kings Row? Why not? For one thing, I've been offered a position in the school in Vienna, an invaluable opportunity. I secured a leave of absence and came home here because of Drake. As soon as I'm sure he's all right, I expect I'll go back. Oh, this is a terrible shock, Parris, I'd counted on... Well, we need a new man here, now that Dr. Gordon's dead. Dr. Gordon's dead? Yeah, hadn't you heard? Passed on last month, like that. Heart, I guess. Newspapers must have passed me on the way home. Yes, sir, him is deader than a doornail. Is either one of you gentlemen Dr. Mitchell? 'Cause you ain't, Colonel Skeffington, then this letter must be for you. - Amazing deduction, Daisy. - Thank you, Daisy. You's welcome. You's the doctor now. Little Parris Mitchell, what do you think of that? - Mrs. Henry Gordon. - Imagine that. Haven't seen much of the Gordons lately. Louise, not at all. She wasn't even at her father's funeral. - She... - Well, I'll run along. Come up to the house when you can. We'll have a chin. Thanks, I will. Dr. Mitchell, I'm sure you were surprised to hear from me. Somehow, I felt that I could trust your discretion since you used to be a friend of Louise's. I've been through a very trying experience since my husband passed away. Is Louise ill? I'm afraid her mind has become affected. After Drake McHugh met with his accident, Louise had a terrible scene with her father. A little while after, we heard a strange report that he'd actually married... A Miss Monaghan, who's taking marvelous care of him, Mrs. Gordon. - Really? - Yes. That seems remarkable, doesn't it? But from that day on, Louise refused to leave her room. She wouldn't speak. She did nothing but sit in her room. Then Dr. Gordon passed away. And now I have to tell you a terrible thing. When... When my dear husband was lying here in this room, Louise came downstairs. I followed her after a few minutes, and I found her... Yes, Mrs. Gordon? Just try to tell me quietly. I found her standing over her dead father and cursing him. Dr. Mitchell, I'm a desperate mother. I cannot bear that my daughter should so defame the memory of a great man. I know that you've been studying there in Vienna. There's no doctor here who understands these things. No one at all I can turn to. Can you help me with her? To keep her quiet. - Where is she? - I'll take you to her. I've brought an old friend to see you. Parris Mitchell, daughter. Dr. Mitchell now, and he's come to see you. Hello, Louise. - Parris? - Yes. Parris Mitchell. I'm awfully glad to see you again. It's been a long time. Yes, it's been a long time. Go away. - You're Dr. Mitchell now. - Yes. - I'm not crazy, Parris. - Of course not. She thinks I am. - It's a wonder I'm not, but I'm not. - I know that, Louise. - Have you seen Drake? - Yes. How is he? - As well as he can be. - She married him. She was the kind he liked. He never went with any other kind. She takes good care of him, Louise. He had to have care, you understand. - My father cut his legs off, Parris. - Yes, I know. I was there. You were where? I was too late. If I hadn't been too late... I'm not crazy, Parris. I know, Louise. You must find out about it. There was a man who helped my father, maybe he'd know. I don't believe it was necessary. My father did it on my account. You see? You think I'm crazy, too. Do you realize what you're saying? A horrible accusation. You've got to believe me, I kept a list. He always talked about his operations, other doctors don't do that. He thought it was his duty to punish wickedness wherever he found it. He was a fanatic like my mother, he used to talk to her. - I think she knew, too. - But your own father! My father. Nearly always he'd say their hearts were too weak for chloroform. But their hearts were not too weak to be cut to pieces. And with Drake, he had a double purpose. He hated him because of me. Parris, do you think I'm crazy? No, Louise, I'm sure you're not. I want you to begin quietly. I want you to gather all the evidence... But your father's dead, it's all over and done with. I want to tell. I want them all to know. - But, Louise... - I want to destroy his memory! Have you thought what terrible harm you would do? Perhaps someone you love. You used to love Drake. To be crippled is terrible enough, but to find out it was unnecessary... - She married him! - You must try to be calm. Parris, will you help me? Yes, Louise, I'll help you all I can. - What will we do first? - First? We'll not say a word about this to anyone. For a little while. We'll keep it a secret between us, you know, until we're sure. I'll come and talk to you every day, whenever you want. If you want me to help you, you must put yourself entirely in my hands. Will you do that for me, Louise? Maybe I will. - For a little while. - That's better. Now, let's begin thinking about other things. There's a book I've been reading you might like. Do you think there could be the slightest possible ground for Louise's charges against her father? - Yes. - But a man, a doctor... I don't say it's true. I say it's possible. Sadistic surgeons are not unknown in medical history. They're scarce, thank heaven. One in millions. You're startled to think that such a thing could happen right here in Kings Row. You wouldn't be shocked if you heard of it happening in some remote town in Europe somewhere. I'm shocked because of Drake. Son, men have often killed other men who are after their daughters. Murder. Parris, I think you better get yourself free of this Gordon case. - I can't. - Why not? - Well, Louise isn't insane. - Then she doesn't need your help. If I don't help her, she'll become insane. I've tried everything I know. Talk, books, music. I tell you, she'll go insane unless I relieve her obsession by letting her tell everything she knows. You think it'll do any good to have a thing like that noised around? Then do you want some real advice, son? Yes, sir. Get out of this town. Now. Before you're in too deep. - But I thought you said... - Changed my mind. That golden chance in Vienna, take it. I can't leave here with this thing unsolved. Go on like that from case to case, you'll be here a lifetime. Don't tell me you could be satisfied to be here. I never wanted to see Kings Row again. But still it's... I don't know, it's the place where I grew up. I used to love to walk around the country and just look at it. Every leaf and stick of it. If I could do that now. Can't you? Afraid of meeting ghosts, or memories. People I loved. My grandmother. Dr. Tower. Cassandra. Places I remember. The stile and the pond, the house I lived in. - Been out there since you got back? - Couldn't stand to see it. I thought chasing away ghosts from people's minds was right in your line. - What? - I gotta be running along now. - Wait a minute. Colonel. - So long, sonny. Cassie! Hello. Don't go away. I don't mean to intrude. You see, I'm Parris Mitchell and I... Are you Dr. Mitchell, the one that plays the piano? Well, nobody ever identified me that way before. Professor Berdorff often speaks of you. Do you take piano from him? Yes, a little. But he tells me he has only dunderheads. - I'm a dunderhead. - I don't believe it. How could you know? He said you were a genius. Well, I'm not. You have a trace of accent. Are you European? - I'm Viennese. - I studied medicine in Vienna. Yes, I know. - You know everything, don't you? - Some people get talked about. I'm Elise Sandor. My father's head of the experiment station here. Of course, you've come to see your home. We've been expecting you. I always used to walk in this way, over the stile, down the trees, past the pond. The pond was a very, very special place. It is to me, too. Would you like to walk down and see it closer? If you don't mind. Why ever should I? It was yours first. - Have you lived here a long time? - Almost two years. All that time? And I didn't know, Miss Sandor. Everyone calls me Elise. I'm not used to "Miss" yet. - How old are you? Do you mind? - Nineteen. - Why, you're just a baby. - I don't think so. Probably not. Did you think you were just a baby when you were 19? No. When you saw me, you called out a name. Why did you that? I think I was startled with the way you looked sitting here. Like someone named Cassie? A little like someone, yes. A little girl I used to play with. - Your sweetheart? - Yes. We used to go swimming here. We were just babies, but I think we knew we ought not to. You mean... Oh, you naughty children. - It was a long time ago. - What became of her? She died. I'm sorry. No, it's all right. I can think about it now. Would you like to come up and see the house? I'm a little timid about it. Can you understand? Come on. I'll go with you. Does it look the same? Almost as it used to when I'd come in from school. A little smaller, but I expected that. Father. Here's a visitor come to see us. It's Dr. Mitchell. What do you think? How do you do, sir. I'm very happy to welcome you, Dr. Mitchell. Oh, but perhaps that's impertinent. This used to be your room. - We are the intruders. - Not at all, sir. It looks... Well, we had the piano over here instead of where it is, but otherwise, it's like coming home. You'll stay to dinner, then? He may, mayn't he, Father? - Certainly. - I'll bet you have a maid named Anna. You're not a dunderhead. - Surely? - Surely. Some things you don't do in the right way. May I show you? Would you? But this is a visit. The next time you come. No, no. Let's get at it now. I'm not a teacher, but I can show you some things, I think. - Will you practice? - Six hours a day, if you say. Heavens, no. Here, now. The beginning. Your tone is thin. You see? I had no idea. It's 11:00. - Father, for shame. - Please forgive me. What? Going so early, Dr. Mitchell? I'm going, but not so early, I'm afraid. Good night, sir. You must come often, if my child isn't tiresome. - Her? Oh... - She is a little lonely sometimes. Talks too much, when she finds someone to listen. You must feel that this is a little your home again, if you will? She means that, Doctor. So do I, for that matter. There's always room here. You know the house. I want you feel that you can come sometimes to rest, to stay over Sunday, whenever you will. - Thank you, sir. - Which was you room? The northwest corner room. It's my room now. I love it. I have my bed under the big window. So did I. I'm glad it's your room. And I'm glad that you, both of you live here. Good night now. It's been a wonderful day and evening. - You'll come often? - Yes. You may be sure. Good night. See all those marked in red? They're all sold. The whole number one tract. - Twenty-four lots. - That's great. The clay pit workers took most of them. Low prices, but they make wages and pay off. - Treasurer, show him the figures. - I just finished. That's how we stand, as of today. Half of that's yours of course. We're all gonna be nasty, old, rich people, I can see that. Not bad for a girl and an old cripple piled up in bed. It's marvelous, you kids. I'm tickled pink. You know what you ought to do when you open up the new tract? You ought to save a couple of lots for yourselves, move into a new house. You'd like that, wouldn't you, Randy? Like it? Why, that's what I've hoped for more than anything. May we, Drake? - Randy... - Yes, honey, what is it? Randy, listen. I want you to promise me one thing. I'll promise you anything. Promise me I'll never have to go outside of this house until I'm dead. - Oh, Drake, how foolish. - Promise me. Of course I'll promise you if you want me to, darling. Forget it, Drake. It was just an idea. - I'm sorry. - You're fixed up here fine. Forget it. Well, I've got to go. I've got a patient waiting. Did you hear that, Drake? He's got a patient. Oh, I got a lot of patients. Two colds and a pair of twins, last week. I told you he'd be famous. I'll come down to the door with you. Will you be all right, Drake? - Sure, what do you think? - See you soon, plutocrat. So long, Doc. Do you suppose you'd hate to give me a cup of coffee? I wanna talk to you for a minute. - Is Drake... - He's all right. We've got to expect those outbursts once in a while. Hello, Pa, Todd. - Hello, Doc. - Caught us at it. - Parris wants to talk to me, Pa. - Oh, yes. Well, we'll step in the parlor. - Sorry to chase you out. - Oh, that's all right. - Oh, don't bother to make fresh. - It's no trouble. It isn't good, that impulse of his to hide in a corner. I've tried to get him to move, even as far as downstairs. I know it's bad for him up there. He can see the trains and hear them. Sometimes he has nightmares. I've heard him wake up in the middle of the night, screaming. He won't be the old Drake until he can go about as free as any of us. Tod gave him a wheelchair once for a present. He would have killed him if he could, and he loves Tod. We'll think of a way. I still believe we've half-won a very ticklish fight. Of course, your marrying him did more than anything. I never told you, but I think it was fine of you. I didn't marry Drake out of pity, Parris. I knew that. I never loved anyone else. Even in school I never had crushes on boys. I liked them or I didn't. They said naughty things to me and that was all. Aside from that, they treated me as one of themselves. Then that day I saw Drake at the station, well, he simply went to a place in my heart that had been waiting for him. Drake. Oh, Parris! Tall and laughing and going about with his head up. Then after his accident, I knew I had to ask myself a question and answer it. I'd loved Drake wholly. What about that now? What was left of it? I was half afraid I might love him less. That something I couldn't help, something physical, might turn me away from him. There was my question staring at me. Then, in one of your letters, there was a sentence, "You must remember now, that Drake lives in a new world "and that his relationship with it and with everyone in it will be changed." I knew that applied to Drake and myself, too. An episode of youth and fun had closed, and with it had gone all the demands, forever. I knew then that I didn't love him any less, only differently. With an overwhelming, new, calm feeling, Parris, that so completely took the place of the old excitement that it would last forever. Randy, you are wonderfully wise. The coffee's boiling. You can't see him. Nobody can see him. - I will! I will see him! - What's that? Louise! You shouldn't have come here. You said you'd help me, but you won't. You're only tricking me. I'm going to tell Drake. He'll help me. What is it? She's the one he married. Listen to me, Louise. Get control of yourself. - You mustn't see Drake. Drake is ill. - You said you'd help me. I said I would and I will, but I can't if you don't do what I tell you. Go home now. - Pa, you'll take her, won't you? - Sure. - Will you help me? - Yes, Louise, but you must let me do it my own way. Go home with Mr. Monaghan now, and I'll come to talk to you tonight. - You'll do that for me, won't you? - Yes, Parris. Parris, that poor girl. What did she want? I've been treating her. Her mother sent for me. Drake was in love with her once? That was over even before I went to Europe, Randy. I suppose you might as well know. Louise has had a sort of breakdown. She has it in her head that her father sometimes... Well, her father sometimes performed unnecessary operations. - Drake. - You mustn't think, Randy. - You mustn't let yourself think... - Parris, did Dr. Gordon... - I don't know. - You do and you won't tell me. - I don't know. - I could tell you something about that. Something I ain't never told before. Maybe I shouldn't now. I think we'd better know as much as possible now. - I was there that night. - Yes, I know. Something that Sam Winters said. He helped the doctor. Something he said started me thinking. He said... Go on, Tod. - Drake wasn't run over, Parris. - What are you saying? No, he wasn't. When he was knocked over by them tiles, he was caught between two cars. As near as I know, he was sort of, I guess you'd say pinched by a wheel that didn't go clear over him. Exactly what did Sam Winters say, Tod? He said... I can remember just the right words. He said, "I looked good at them legs, and the bones in neither one of them "was broke up one bit." Then it's true. Stop it, Randy. Stop it. Even so, we can't ever know. Sam Winters, an unprofessional witness. What he says doesn't mean a thing. I know how you feel, Randy, but we've still got Drake. Drake's still alive. That's the only important thing. - When Drake finds out... - He'll never find out. Oh, but he will. She'll come again or someone else will. That kind of news always gets home. Then what? If it should ever enter Drake's mind that this whole catastrophe was anything but an accident... What would happen? I think the whole structure we built up for him would topple down again. This time we couldn't rebuild it. He'd be gone. Louise has got to be kept quiet, Parris. I can silence her, Randy. She could be put in an asylum. Her mother wants that. I can... Whenever I had anything that was too big for me, I used to run home with it, here, to my grandmother. And what would she say, Parris? She'd say, no one could tell me what is right and what is wrong, except myself. She must have been a very wise old lady. But there isn't a right without a wrong, a terrible wrong. Shall I commit Louise Gordon to a life of unspeakable horror? Or let her mother carry out her plan, which is the same as my doing it? You can't. Then shall I set her free and destroy Drake? It isn't fair that you should have to decide such a thing. I know what I can do. I can get on a train, then get on a boat. Will you go back with me to Vienna, Elise? - Parris. - I mean it. Yes, Parris. I'd go with you anywhere. But you wouldn't be proud to go with me. That's true, isn't it? Parris, I've been so hoping. Oh, for many things. Ever since the first time I saw you, and all the other times, too. I've hoped that some day you would say something to me as you've just said. And other things I've hoped, too. I've hoped that you would never want to go back to Vienna, but stay here. And find your work here, too. I can't stay here. I've failed here. Would you succeed then, in Vienna? Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I should never have tried to be a doctor. But that's childish, unworthy of you. If I could see any way at all. Parris, are you sure that your treatment for Drake is the right one? If I can't cure him, my best friend... That's just it. He is your best friend. Perhaps you protect him too much. It would only be natural. Suppose he was just a patient. Suppose they both were, he and Louise Gordon. Would you know what to do then? Suppose they weren't people you loved or even knew. Don't say anything more. Elise, wait here for me, right here, a little while. Of course I will, but why? What you said just now, I'm gonna try something. If I don't come back, you'll know I haven't succeeded. Parris, don't go. "A new feat in news transmission is being tried "in connection with the use of wireless telegraphy..." Why, kid. - Stick your chin out, Drake. - Why? You're going to get the worst wallop you ever had. - Yeah? Who's gonna do it? - I am. Start swinging. It's something about you and Louise Gordon and her father. - Parris. - She was here today, Louise was. She wanted to tell you and I wouldn't let her. Parris, you can't. You said yourself... I've just come from the Gordons. I've sent Louise out to tell anyone she pleases, but saying it to you I've saved for myself. I won't let you, Parris. Please, if you have any heart. I'm not your friend now. You're not mine. I'm your doctor. And you're my patient. It's as if I'd taken you in the operating room and I had the scalpel in my hand, which may make you or destroy you. What's this all about, kid? My grandmother used to say, "Some people grow up and some people just grow older." I guess it's time we found out about us, you and me. Whether I'm a doctor, and whether you're a man. You know the kind of man I mean, Drake. There's a piece of poetry, Invictus. I don't think I remember all the words. "Out of the night that covers me Or a good priest, like Bill Monaghan? Both. But if you had to make a choice between the two? A good priest. The very best priest in all the world? The best priest in the world. And how do you expect to be that... when already you are committing the sin of pride even to think it? Frank, will you stop that noise? Don't you get enough of that... playing in those Scully Square movie parlors... till the Lord knows what hour of the night? Don't worry about me, Dad. I get plenty of sleep during the day. Steve, listen to this. It's a new one. Dinner's ready. Shouldn't we wait for Mona? She's due back from the library any minute. The library? Is that where she told you she was going? What you do mean by that, Florrie? I mean, she is more likely out with lkie Rampbell. His name's not lkie, it's Benny. What's the difference? There are enough Catholic boys in this parish... without you having to run around with a rag-picking Jew. He's not a ragpicker. He is studying to be a dentist He's still a Jew. I'm sick and tired of having to do all the work around here... while she is out with that sheeny boyfriend of hers. You like it better not having any boyfriend at all? Slut! Will you go up to Mona, Steve? You've always had a special way with her. Yes, you talk to Mona, Steve. I'll talk to Florrie. Monie? It's me, Steve. Monie. Put your arms around me. Remember the bear hugs you used to give me... and I'd take you down Crescent Hill on my double runner? Before we'd start, I'd show you how to put your arms around me... and I'd say: "No matter what happens, just hang on to me." And you'd say, "I'll hang on, Steve." What am I gonna do? I'm in love with Benny. I want to marry him. Has he asked you? Yes. I asked him to wait. He won't wait forever. The difference in faith. It doesn't matter? Only if it matters to you, Steve. Does it matter? I'd like to meet Benny. Would you bring him over to the rectory one of these days? I'm so glad you're back. You're gonna fix everything. I'm so glad you're home. - Father, I've got a bet. - What about? Chick, here, says that only Catholics can get into heaven. Everyone knows Protestants can't go to heaven. Why can't Protestants go to heaven? Does anyone have an answer for that? - Father! - Father! 'Cause they ain't Catholics. How does that strike the rest of you? He's right! You're all wrong. The Catholic Church teaches that it's possible for anyone... Protestant, Mohammedan, Jew... anyone who does God's will according to his conscience to go to heaven. Then what's the use of going to all this trouble to be Catholic? Yes, Father, what's the use? We'll take that up next Sunday. I think we've all had enough for today. Steve. This is Benny Rampbell. - How do you do, Benny? - How do you do, Father? The kid had a point there, don't you think? Have you ever thought about becoming Catholic? You know... my parents aren't too keen on the idea of my marrying a Christian, either. Couldn't we just get married, and then try to convert each other? No, you couldn't. For Mona to marry you at all, she'd need special dispensation... and you'd have to pledge not to interfere with the practice of her religion... and raise your children as Catholics. That's not exactly treating the two things as equal, is it? It would be hypocritical if we did. We happen to believe our church is the only true one. If you're right, then your rules make sense. I'm glad you think so. And, if you're right, then a guy'd be a fool not to join up. Would you, Benny? Steve, I'm in love with your sister. I want to marry her. So, if my becoming a Catholic will make that easier... I'll give it a try. Benny, I love you. - Steve, you did it! - Not yet. You'll have to work pretty hard. No Sunday school stuff for me. I'm up to my neck in what you call perfidious darkness. We'll do our best to turn on the light. But hasn't Darwin put the skids to Genesis? If he's done it for us, he's done it for the Jewish faith, too. Listen, if I was a good Jew, I wouldn't be here. I don't see how anyone can square this Adam-and-Eve business with evolution. Why not? Good afternoon, Monsignor. - Father. Benny. - Good afternoon, sir. - How're you getting along? - All right, I guess. Go ahead, don't let me bother you. Father Fermoyle was asking you, "Why not?" Because they are mutually exclusive. Not if you separate what is essential in the Bible. What affects matters of faith from... the names and physical details that don't have to be taken literally. Dogma is that there is one pair of first parents... from whom all mankind is descended. That truth remains... whether or not evolution was the method by which God chose to create them. I've been working on a similar question that came up when... Copernicus and Galileo... made their discoveries about the mechanics of the universe. What's that? It's a book I've been writing... in my spare time. I borrowed a quote on the subject from Bishop Quarenghi, my teacher. Why didn't you say so in the first place? That makes everything clear. The Bible teaches not how the heavens go... but how to go to heaven. A pretty phrase, Father... but aren't you getting a bit away from the usual instruction? - Benny's a tough nut to crack. - There's nothing tough about it. What it all amounts to in the long run, Benny... is faith. You've got to have faith. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be contagious. What's going on out there? What's happened, Father Lyons? A miracle, it looks like. There's blood dripping from the statue, from her heart. That girl, Elena, one of the new Italian immigrants... her husband was stabbed yesterday. He was dying when they took him to the hospital. She prayed to the Blessed Mother to save him. She lit a candle in front of the statue. She went back to the hospital... and her husband was sitting up in bed, asking for pasta. Get over there, quick. Speak Italian to them, but for heaven's sake, get them out of the church. Children of the miraculous Queen of the heavens... let us pray. Let us cover the Blessed Virgin with flowers. Let us cover her with the flowers... of her litanies. Lord, have pity on us. Lord, have pity on us. Christ, hear our prayer. Holy Trinity, one single God. Son, God, Redeemer of the world. Holy Spirit, thou art God. He sure does have a way with them. Holy Mother of God. Pray for us. The miracle of the leaking steam pipe... courtesy of the Cornelius J. Deegan Construction Company. And I thought this was a special effort for my conversion. It'll be a jolt for those people when they find out the truth. Maybe they won't have to. You're not gonna tell them? It's not up to me to tell them. Come on. I report what we found to Monsignor Monaghan. He reports it to Cardinal Glennon's office. In the end, the Cardinal himself will decide what to tell them. What do you suppose that'll be? He'll probably just fix the steam pipe, and let the commotion die down. But if you didn't tell them the truth, you'd be committing a fraud. What is the truth? That the steam pipe leaks. That's only a fact, Benny. Like the sun being the center of the solar system. Facts are only small parts of a much larger truth. Faith? Faith. People see blood flowing from a statue's heart. They believe God caused it to happen. - But he didn't. - But he did. God is the first cause of everything. He made that pipe leak. Judging from all the rust, he must've been working on that stunt for quite a while. From all eternity. - Frank. - Nice party. How're you doing? So far, I've met the Flynns, the Foleys, the Flahertys... the Deegans, the Doogans... the O'Connors, O'Neals, McMahons, and all the clan O'Toole. You make it sound like one of Frank's songs. After the Irish, the Germans will be a cinch. You'll take the war in your stride. Except for one little problem you can help me with. Whose side is God on? Is he an Englishman, Frenchman, German... or is he an American? He certainly could have his pick. They all claim him. - Happy? - I've never been happier in my life. How'd you like to meet the Rampbells? I'd like to, very much. Mom, Dad... I'd like you to meet Mona's brother, Father Steve. - How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Rampbell? - Hello. I feel for you both. There's nothing quite as lonely as being in a crowd of strangers. Not entirely strangers, Father. There are several men here I've done business with for years... including our host. Of course, I've never been invited to their homes before. Or invited them to yours. Or invited them to ours, it's quite true. All right, you micks, let's have a little quiet here. I want to propose a toast... to Mona Fermoyle and her soldier boy. There they are. In case you haven't already met him... the lad's name is Benny Rampbell. But don't let the name throw you. I have it on reliable authority... that it's soon to become a good Catholic name. As soon as that happens, and I have this on good authority, too... that same good Catholic name will become Mona's. So what do you say? Let's just tack an "O" in front of it... and make the whole clan of them honorary Irishmen. Now we know the answer. God is an Irishman. Come on. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession. These are my sins. Yes? I slept with a man. Are you engaged to this man? Yes. Couldn't you have waited until you were married? Steve, you didn't persuade him. Benny's not going to become a Catholic. I thought... if we made love... I thought I could make him change his mind. Steve, I'm so miserable. Please help me. Would he agree to let your children be raised as Catholics? No. He says that isn't fair. He won't marry me at all, unless I take him just the way he is. Then you cannot be married. He says, "Let's leave all religion out of it and... "get married by a judge." That wouldn't be a marriage. You'd be living in mortal sin. What else can I do? Why do you think I came here? I want you to tell me what to do. Hard as it may be, you must give him up. Is that all you can say? You must stop these illicit relations immediately. - Steve. - Father. This is me. And I'm a priest. What you've done is immoral and cheap. It wasn't cheap. I'm in love with him. Is that a sin? Unless it's subordinated to a higher love, the love of God, yes. Steve, you told me to hang on. I'm just trying to hang on. Help me. Please help me. Benny'll be going overseas soon. He may be gone for a long time. There's a saying in Italian: "Love makes time pass, time makes love pass." For these and all other sins that I have committed, I ask forgiveness. For your penance, say three rosaries. Now make a good act of contrition. My God, I am heartily sorry I have offended thee. And a firm resolution to sin no more. I can't do that! You must. I shouldn't have come here. Cardinal Glennon will see you now, Father. Good afternoon, Father Fermoyle. Your Eminence. I take the ring off for Bach. Everyday I practice for an hour. My staff encouraged me. It may be that they hate music and enjoy hearing what I do to it. Or perhaps they've learned the more I pound the piano the less I pound them. They're probably right. I'd hardly call it pounding, Your Eminence. You play very well. The Goldberg Variations are a great challenge to the amateur. But wasn't Your Eminence playing the Chromatic Fantasy? When you compliment me as a musician, I must find out whether you know music. Not that I'm trying to trap you. That's not my purpose. It isn't? No, it's because of my infernal weakness for flattery. You see, Fermoyle, I'm incorrigibly vain... not about my personal charms... but about certain accomplishments... that have nothing to do with my function as a priest. Because of this flaw in my nature, I must always be on my guard. Not only for the sake of my soul, but for yours. I've read your book. I'm no historian, but it seems a comprehensive treatment of the subject. Thank you. Why did you send it to me? Because Bishop Quarenghi liked it very much and he felt... - Quarenghi, of the Vatican. - Yes. He felt the next step would be to get your imprimatur to publish it. Quarenghi read your book? Yes. In fact, he helped me with a great deal of it. You were close friends with this Bishop Quarenghi? He was my teacher. I admire him very much. He's in the office of the Secretary of State? Yes, he is assistant to Cardinal Giacobbi. Giacobbi, whose main passion in life is to guard the Holy Father... from contaminating contacts with non-ltalians. Cardinal Giacobbi would have good reason to like your book. I'm not sure I understand... It deals with a time when the Western Hemisphere... had little or no ecclesiastical significance. Tell me, why did you write it? - Why? - Yes, why? For what reason? - What did you expect to gain? - I didn't expect to gain... Fame? - No, it was just... - Admiration in Rome? The subject interested me... A job in the Vatican, with the Secretary of State... close to your Italian friends? It was a field that had been neglected and... Come, now. Examine your motives. You are an ambitious priest. I recognize all the symptoms. You feel you're too good for parish work. I have never said that. Don't you think you're wasted here? Your gifts for language... for scholarship, diplomacy... All these are wasted at St. John's. Admit it. No, Your Eminence. - The truth. - I will serve wherever I'm sent. Father Fermoyle, do you think there's more in you... than being a mere parish priest? The truth. Of course I do. You wanted the truth, Your Eminence. Ambition is a disease in any man. In a priest, it can be fatal. But at your age, it may still be curable. We shall begin your treatment at once. Cold climate, simple diet. Stonebury. Perfect. Stonebury will be your spiritual sanitarium. You are now curate at Stonebury. The parish church is called St. Peter's, no irony intended. You will assist Father Halley. A truly remarkable man. As a pastor, he's a total failure, but... as an individual, he is without vanity... ambition. From him, you can learn humility. Goodbye, Father Fermoyle. Steve! Where've you been? Where's Dad and the rest? I tried to get you before you left St. John's. - What's wrong? - Have you seen Mona? - No. - Any message from her? - No. - She's gone. She didn't come home last night. We don't know where she is. With Benny? No, his regiment went overseas yesterday. Let me know the minute you hear anything. Send me a wire at Stonebury. Call me. Tell Mom and Dad not to worry. - Father Fermoyle? - Yes. Bonjour, Father. Jump on. Father Halley sent me to pick you up. Me, Hercule Menton. I'm very glad to meet you, Hercule. Father Halley. Father Fermoyle. Sorry I couldn't meet you myself. I was glad to be met at all. Thank you. - You make a good fire. - I was going to make some tea. Good, I'll just take this off. - Here, let me help you off with that coat. - Thank you. I'm not used to company. You should ask them to send you a curate. I'm afraid I've had too many favors from His Eminence. Besides, there's hardly enough revenue here to support one priest... let alone two. Things will be looking up now that you're here. And a remarkably good collection this Sunday. Quite a haul for St. Peter's. $1.85. Tomorrow we'll buy some coffee to celebrate... your arrival with festivities. What's the matter? Nothing. You should be in bed. This'll pass, it always does. - Father, you're sick. - I'm not sick. Sit down. Let's have some bread and tea. I'll be all right. - Have some fish. - No, thank you, it's enough. I always eat my principal meal at midday. - Would you like the fish? - No, thank you. In the morning, I'll show you around the parish. Why don't you rest tomorrow? I can manage alone. Bless us... and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty... through Christ, our Lord... Amen. Father, I insist you eat that fish. You must be hungry after your long trip. Father Fermoyle. - Good morning, Hercule. - Good morning, Father. - How are you? - Come in, come in. My daughter, Lalage. - Hello, Father. - Hello, Lalage. - Welcome. - Thank you. - How is Father Halley? - Not too well, I'm afraid. I'm glad they sent someone to help him. And this is my wife, Adele. Will you stay and eat with us, Father? Don't worry, there's plenty. No, thank you. I'd better be getting back to Father Halley. Wait... Father Halley needs a hot meal. This'll make you feel better. How long have you had these spells? A long time? What does the doctor say? Well, he... - You've seen a doctor, haven't you? - Yes, no. He couldn't diagnose it. He said I'd have to go to the hospital for a week for a series of tests. And? We can't afford it. The diocesan can afford it. No, you mustn't ask him. But you're sick. His Eminence mustn't know. He mustn't know that I'm sick. Cardinal Glennon? Why not? Well, you see... he gave me my first parish... St. Anselm's in Stowe. It was a small church with a big mortgage. I couldn't lift it. He sent me to Needham. It was a prosperous parish. There was money in the bank. And I ran Needham into debt. His Eminence warned me. Then he sent me to... Malden, lpsfield... always some place lower in his favor. There's no more favor left, now. He's disappointed in me. He mustn't know... that I've failed again. Father Fermoyle, your brother phoned the store... to come to Boston as quickly as you can. Mona. What do you guys want? We want to talk to our sister. It sure don't look like she wants to talk to you. Mona, please. What do you want? We want you to come home. Why? You're breaking their hearts, Mona. Please come home. All right, I'll come home. You don't think Mom will mind if I bring Ramón home with me, do you? He spends a lot of his time in jail and he hasn't really learned to read yet. You can tell her he's a Catholic. Mona, listen to me. - Benny won't be gone... - Shut up. We'll start all over again. We'll try to work out a way that you and Benny can be married. I promise I'll do everything I can. Why don't you leave me alone! What do you want from me? I just want you to be happy. Is that all? Don't you want to forgive me, too? Isn't that what you priests usually like to do the most? - He's not your enemy, Mona. - God will forgive you. Will you hear my confession, Father? I'll be glad to hear your confession at the proper time... Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. - Don't do this. - I'll do anything I damn well please! I've had it. I'm through. I'm through with you and I'm through with your... pious, mealy-mouthed, hypocritical religion. And I'm through with your God, too. The next time you talk to him, you tell him that for me. Come on, lover, let's dance. It's not your fault. Yes, it is. - Lalage. - Hello, Father. Did you do all this? You said look after Father Halley while you were gone. So I did. - The doctor's with him now. - What doctor? Dr. Carter. I got him to come up from Lynchburgh. I work in his office sometimes. Now that you're back, I better be going home. It was very kind of you to do so much. It's very little compared to what he's done. Father Halley? When I was a child, Grand-mere died. She was very old, very frightened... very religious. Father Halley was sick himself, but he stayed with her night and day... prayed with her, helped her die well. I'll be back to fix supper. Doctor? Father Fermoyle? I'm afraid your pastor's a very sick man. What is it? The name of the disease? I can tell you, but very little else about it. It's called multiple sclerosis. We don't know its cause, and there's no cure for it. It's a breakdown of the entire nervous system. It can develop quickly or slowly. But always in the same direction. How far has it gone with Father Halley? Near the end. Has he always had this lack of energy? I think so. I'm not sure how long. Chances are he's been slowly dying all his adult life. It's amazing he was able to function at all. - What can we do for him now? - He'll need full-time care. He ought to be in a hospital or a nursing home. If he's going to die, he'll die as a pastor in his own bed, in his own parish. That's liable to be harder on you than it is on him. Thank you. You give him this as directed. - Is this medicine very expensive? - Yes. The longer he lasts, the more it will cost. It's never agreeable to watch someone go. Forgive me for the long time I take. Doesn't any of this bother you? No, it's only nature. It's strange. What is strange? For a girl who's young, attractive... to spend her days, her nights like this. But you are a priest. You must understand what it is to want to be of use. You see, I have my vocation, too. I have been accepted by the Geraldines. The Geraldines? The nursing sisterhood. Yes, I know. They take care of the incurable. The incurable and the dying. And that's the life you want? That is the life I was born for. Did you ever see this ring before? Yes, it used to be mine. Where did you get it? - It was given to me. - By whom? By a friend. Where did you get the ring? Your fence, I believe, as you say in the underworld, was pinched. One of the items recovered was this ring. The police thought it might have been stolen from a bishop. But the Karaghousian twins... claimed they bought it from one Father Fermoyle. We've never had a priest working with the Mafia before. But I suppose during your stay in Rome, you made many interesting contacts. I had no choice, Your Eminence. I had to work my way through the seminary... selling opium in St. Peter's Square. - You're not afraid of me, are you? - No. Why not? Most people are. Maybe it's because you remind me of my father. He's sometimes called Din the Downshouter. But his roar is the only fierce thing about him. He's a lucky man to have a son... who's not afraid of him. But about this ring... why did you sell it? - I needed the money. - What for? For private reasons, Your Eminence. There are no private reasons between a priest and his archbishop. I needed the money to pay for Father Halley's medical expenses. - Is he ill? - He's dying, Your Eminence. - Why wasn't I told? - He didn't want you to know. Father O'Brien, have the car brought around. Ned? Your Eminence. - Larry. - How are you, Larry? Giving everybody a bad time, as usual. You know me, Ned. I've let you down again. No, it's I who've let you down. Who else would have put up so long with an old muddler like me? You're no such thing. Now, Larry... no more of that silver tongue of yours... that we always said would talk you to the top. The top of a mountain of worldly vanity. I do want to thank you for giving me this parish. The poorest in the diocese. It was rich to me. And then you sent me Father Fermoyle. Vain, ambitious Roman puppy. He's rather like you were, Larry. That's a mortal blow. I mean in his goodness. Would you let him take my place here? He'll make a good pastor, I know. People love him already. Grand idea. Thank you, Ned. Would you do me one last favor? Anything. Would you give me extreme unction? I'd consider it a great honor, Ned. It'll be over soon. I hope. You'll have the job of shutting down the church. Send all the records to the dean at Averill. But, Your Eminence... I've kept the church open only for his sake. - But you told him you were going to... - I thanked him for his idea. I happen to have another one for you. But these people need a church. A priest will come Sundays for Mass. All else will be done through Averill. Once a week isn't enough. You must learn that when I've made up my mind... I don't like interminable discussion, otherwise you'll be no use to me... as my secretary. - Are you sure it's the same guy? - Absolutely. And now, we proudly present... Bobby and his Adora-Belles. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pleasure in presenting... that suave Tiger of the Tango: Ramón Gongaro and his partner. That isn't Mona. Let's go. - Where's Mona? - I don't know. Where is she? - I haven't seen her for five months. - Where did you see her last? - In Albany. She left the act there. - You mean you left her there. - No, I told her... - Told her what? I told her I'd pay. - Pay for what? - For an abortion. But she didn't want... Great, our only lead and you have to knock him cold. What's going on there? It's our friend, Officer. He's a bit under the weather, I'm afraid. What with the chilly night... and the need for a nip to keep one warm. - Could I be getting your friend a cab? - That would be most kind of you, Officer. I'm Ramón. - What do you want? - Where's Mona? Second floor, in the back. Mona, it's me. Put your arms around me, just hang on. I'm Dr. Parks. - Are you the husband? - No. She has no husband. She's our sister. Your sister's been in labor for several days. She's lost a great deal of blood. Why has she received no medical attention? Because we didn't know where she was. Her pelvic structure is abnormally small. The child's head is unusually large. Normal delivery is impossible. You can perform a cesarean, can't you? It's much too late for that. But we can save her. I'll need your permission as next of kin to do a fetal craniotomy. - A craniotomy? - Yes. We have to crush the child's head. You want to kill the child? You can't let Mona die. I take it this is some sort of religious scruple? It's a Commandment. "Thou shalt not kill." But it's all right to kill Mona? If Mona dies because we won't... commit a murder to save her, she dies a natural death. But the baby... We'd be taking a creature of God's... alive, with a soul. And deliberately kill it. I won't permit you to kill Mona. Excuse me, there's not much time. Are you a member of this family? No. Then which of you has the final say here? He does. I can't give you my permission to commit murder. Can I see her? You have to be quick about it, unless you want to lose both of them. Monie, can you hear me? Hear. Say after me... O, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee. O... thee. O, my God. God... O, my God... All right, Father, you'll have to go now. Steve! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Regina Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday. What a big girl! - Blow out the candles. Give it a try. Blow out the other one. Blow it out. Two, one more. Get in. Father Callahan packed a bag for you. Whatever he forgot, you can buy in Rome. Rome? Yes, the Pope died this morning. What does the Captain say? We've lost three days. If it clears tomorrow, we can make up one. He'll have to do better than that. The only thing that's keeping me alive... is the thought of... being there in time to vote for a new pope. To go through what I'm going through now... would be... - Where's my trunk? - They promised to send it right over. - What's happening? - Nothing. There should be smoke soon, white or dark. This ballot is taking a long time. Maybe it'll be dark. Maybe there's still no majority. Would you prefer that? What difference does one more ballot make if it's a deadlock? The American Church has a right to participate. It's white! Yes, Your Eminence, right away. It's all wound up. Stephen, good of you to come down. Sit yourself. And how have you been occupied, this splendid Roman day? Your private audience must have gone very well. What's he like, the new pope? Amazing, the way he takes it all in his stride. The man was made cardinal only eight months ago. I brought up a point of procedure for the next conclave. A procedure for what happens when he dies? - That must have been a bit delicate. - He seemed quite detached about it. I explained that no matter how much faster ships they build... ten days is still too short a time to get from the United States to Rome. He agreed to make it 15 days. Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment. Not my only one today. Before I forget, your... bishop's ring. You'll be needing it one of these days. The Holy Father, it seems, is genuinely interested in America. I called his attention to the almost complete absence... of our countrymen from the ranks of the Secretariat of State. From there it was only a step to persuading him... it'd be difficult for the Vatican to function in the future without your services. You'll be a domestic prelate, Monsignor Fermoyle. Entitled to wear the violet cassock and manteletta. Well, Stephen? What's the matter? It isn't an easy thing to explain. What isn't? Speak up, man. I can't accept a post at the Vatican. Can't accept? - It's not a matter of choice. - In this case, it is. I have to leave the priesthood. But that's impossible. - You can't suddenly... - It isn't sudden. I've been working up to this for years. I'm only telling you now because... What a masterpiece of timing! An hour ago, at the Pope's request I was listing your virtues to Cardinal Giacobbi. What a story he'll make of this, with his anti-American prejudice. You set the whole hemisphere back a decade. I'm deeply sorry for any embarrassment this may cause you, but I hardly think... I don't want to hear what you think. Now or ever. Go, do you hear me? Go! Our conversation is over. You're dismissed! Go. Yes? Your Eminence. You didn't even explain to me why you want to leave the priesthood. I should have. I didn't get the right opportunity. It's been in your mind for so long. May I sit? - Please do, Your Eminence. - Why didn't you tell me before? I don't know. I wasn't clear enough about what I really thought. I must know what's behind this extraordinary decision of yours. I'm not sure I could separate one reason from the others and say: "That's what did it." I don't think I was meant to be a priest to begin with. It wasn't my idea. My parents decided it when I was a baby. I can't remember a time when it wasn't an established thing. Like Dad being the one to go out and earn a living... Mom staying home to care for the house and kids. Nobody ever questioned it. I never questioned it. A dollar a week was put aside for my education. A dollar a week out of a motorman's pay. By the time I was in seventh grade my brother was calling me "the Cardinal." This morning I'd have said he had the makings of a prophet. The only doubt I had, I wasn't sure I had the strength to be a good priest... to deny myself what had to be denied... to live without the softness of a woman. On the other side, there was the scholastic part. I liked my courses, I was good at them. As long as it was all theory and no practice... I felt I was where I belonged. But then came the time when I was on my own... when I had to function as God's anointed... answering people's questions about what was right, what was wrong... making decisions for them. And one day, it was my own sister who needed my help. And I found I couldn't help her. Because what she needed was a man, a friend, a brother. And all I could be was a judge with a set of rules. And finally the time came when my being a priest meant she had to die. I did what I had to do, I know that. What I had to do as a priest, as an agent of God's law... I couldn't do what a layman would do in the same situation: Pretend that he'd never heard of the law. I don't challenge the rules. I just don't want to be the one to enforce them. Not for anybody's sister. I don't want the power over other people's lives. I can't face the responsibility. That's what it really comes down to. I sit in the confessional, listening to someone tell his sins... and I'm the one who's trembling in terror. I don't know what will become of me. I must find what else I can do. But I think, I pray... that there may be another kind of life for me. A life I was meant for... that will let me sleep nights. Steve... I'm going to ask you to do something for me... because I think you're wrong about yourself. I think I see your problem more objectively than you can. Regardless of how it came about, you were meant to be a priest. I'm going to ask you to postpone your decision. There's something I can do as your bishop. It's seldom done, but I can grant you a leave of absence from active priesthood. I'll tell Giacobbi... it's for reasons of health. And it is. The health of your soul. Priesthood isn't something you can put on and take off... like the cassock you wear. It's part of you. Think about it, Steve. Take a year, take two years. If at the end of that time, you're still of the same mind... I'll do all in my power to get you a dispensation from your vows. But... should you wish to remain a priest... I'm sure the Holy Father can be persuaded to keep the position open for you here. Will you do this much, Steve... for me and for yourself? Because of the holiday, we won't be meeting again for two weeks. Before our next class, I would like you to prepare a conversation in English... about a trip in an automobile from Vienna to Salzburg. Until then, auf Wiedersehen. 'Bye, sir. I hope you have very fine holidays. I'm looking forward to seeing you again in 14 days. - Goodbye. - Thank you very much. Thank you, same to you. Yes, Miss Lederbohl? Nothing. Have a nice holiday. Thank you. Mr. Fermoyle, do you mind if I walk with you? - No, not at all. - We go the same way. Tell me about America. - In 25 words, or less? - Or more. I've got all afternoon and evening if you need it. - I want to be prepared. - Prepared for what? My dream is to go to America someday... where people think about the future, instead of always the past. Please invite me for a cup of coffee. All right. Where would you like to go in America? First to New York, of course. Then, I haven't made up my mind yet. Where do you think I should go? - Where are you from? - Boston. Boston. That's in Massakewsetts. Massachusetts. Tell me about Boston. All of a sudden I don't know what to say. I was born in Boston, grew up there, with my family. When I was a boy, we used to swim in the river... I guess that's hardly an inducement to visit Boston. I will go to Boston. Tell me, what do you do? - I teach. - I mean when you're not teaching. Do you go out to the theater, to parties? Who are your friends? I tried to find out, but no one seems to know. Sometimes I think all you do is sit alone in your room in the Stallburggasse. How do you know where I live? I followed you. You're different than other men. "From" other men. - You know how to wait. - How to wait for what? For "whom." What are you going to do over the holidays? I guess I'll just sit all by myself in my room in the Stallburggasse. - You want to know something? - Yes. I won't let you do that. Before the war there was no choice for a girl, only to be married. Now there are not enough men. Families have lost their money. Most of my friends have jobs, or try to find them. So people think I'm lucky to have a rich young man who wants to marry me. Do you? Think you're lucky? I'm not sure. For me to work at a job, that is not to be a woman. I think there's one thing I could do well. One thing I was born for. To love a man. To love him so much that my whole life is to make him happy. If that's true, then I should think... When it is my whole life, it is important I find the right man. - All I do is talk about myself. - And about Vienna. And you talk about America. But not about Stephen Fermoyle. Not much to talk about. I've been in Europe about a year and a half. Teaching, mostly. First in Milan, then Munich, now Vienna. I just go wherever the International Language School sends me. But what did you do before? I mean, in Boston. What did you do there? Why did you come to Europe? Aren't we supposed to get off here? The abbey was founded in 1410... the church built in a rich Baroque style... 1721-25. It has a tower. Possibly the finest Baroque tower of Austria. You sound like Baedeker. I'm just trying to keep it impersonal. The chief attractions of the interior are the stucco reliefs on the ceiling. The altar paintings by Schmidt of Krems. The pulpit richly carved by his father, Johann Schmidt. - And the choir stalls... - Yes, I know all about them. I've been here before. - You have? - Many times. Why? I come here to pray. You're a strange man. I'm a priest, Annemarie. I'm on a leave of absence. Once in a great while, when a priest is unsure of his vocation... he is granted time to think about it. What happens when your time is over? I must decide whether I want to go on being a priest... or ask for a dispensation from my vows, if I can get one. In the meantime, those vows are still binding. Will it be harder for you to be with me, now that you've told me? No harder than before, I think. Because if I thought... I was having an influence, directly or not directly... on what you will decide... Yes, if you did? I would make it, how does one say? A full-time career. Annemarie. There will be no arguments about tonight. You have to see a Viennese ball, and this is the last one of the season. I rented everything you need. Look. Tails... evening shirt, white tie... - west. - "Vest." And a cape. And Manschettenknöpfe. How do you call that? - Cufflinks. - Cufflinks. And this? Studs. And chapeau claque. - Good evening, Kurt. - Good evening. - You look wonderful tonight. - Thank you. I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Fermoyle. Stephen, this is Kurt von Hartman. - Herr von Hartman. - Mr. Fermoyle, how do you do? - You're American, aren't you? - Yes. Then you are used to lending your treasures to impoverished Europe. May I have this dance please? Annemarie? Excuse me. - Good evening. - Good evening. I heard you say you were from America. Is it really true one is not allowed to drink... even beer and wine? Are they insane to make this Prohibition? The people who voted for it obviously think that any means is justified... to eliminate the evils of drunkenness. Excuse me. You know what that Prohibition is like? It's like they want to eliminate the evils of rape... and so they pass a law against making love. Can you imagine a life without making love? Excuse me. - I'm sorry, Stephen. - For what? For leaving you alone. At a ball you should dance. But you can't. He seems like a very nice fellow. Kurt? Yes, he is. He's the one who wants to marry you? Yes. Are you jealous? I'm a priest, Annemarie. But I'm also a man. Men can show their feelings, but a priest has to learn how to hide them. I can't hide them anymore. I think I'm in love with you. I know I'm in love with you. I cannot ask you to kiss me while you're still married to the Church. But in Vienna, even for a married man... it is a sin not to dance a waltz. You answer this letter from Philadelphia. Tell them there will be no private audiences for at least six weeks. Welcome to Vatican City, Father Gillis. Monsignor Fermoyle. Your letter to the Holy Father was passed on to me... as a consultant on American affairs. He'll see me? The Holy Father will really see me? I'm afraid I couldn't arrange that. But I have arranged for you to tell your story to Cardinal Giacobbi. That's the next best thing to a private audience with the Pope. I didn't know if I'd hear back at all. Since I mailed my letter the day I got to Rome... I've been waiting to be called to the phone. Shall we go along? His Eminence is expecting us. Fermoyle, come in, come in. So, this is the American priest you told us about. I'll come back when you're finished. No, stay. It will not take long, will it? Monsignor Fermoyle and Cardinal Quarenghi are old friends. You find yourself in a nest of diplomats, Father. That means that if anyone of us says exactly what he's thinking... it's a slip of the tongue. Sit down. Please, tell us what we can do for you. Father Gillis's parish is in the state of Georgia, in a town called Lamar. His congregation raised the money for him to come here. That's very interesting. St. Jude, Your Eminence. It's called St. Jude, my church. The saint of lost causes. We should like not to lose this cause. You see... there is only one Catholic school in that part of Georgia. And, well... that school will not take the children of my parish because they're black. - Well? - Well, Your Eminence... is that a Christian thing to do? It is against Christian principles for a Catholic school... to turn away a Catholic child because of race. Of course it is. But we have the most precise machinery... for the proper enforcement of these principles. I did what was proper. I went to the dean of the district, Monsignor Whittle. He said he would never ever let colored children in their school. And your bishop? I wrote him and didn't get an answer. Then you decided that the only recourse left to you... was to come to Rome and tell your troubles to the Pope? Your pardon, Eminence. But one thing happened before Father Gillis decided to come. His church was burned to the ground. Quite a few of the folks in my parish... they feel it's time to make some changes. So a bunch of them went and threw a picket line around that white school. They threw what? They marched in front of the school with signs, protesting the discrimination. Then I got a lot of phone calls... and letters with no names signed. And then one night, these men with white hoods... they burned my church. Barbarians. But still it's scarcely a tribute to your priestly discretion, is it... that your concern with these peculiar local politics... has left you without a church? Politics, my dear Giacobbi? The desecration, of course, is a moral issue. I was speaking of Father Gillis's activities. But discrimination is a moral issue, too. It is not necessary to tell me... that race prejudice is contrary to the teachings of Christ and his church. The question is, whether it is wise to use methods... that tend to be inflammatory. I'm not sure that we can afford to use methods that tend to be glacial. The truth of the matter is that to the non-white majority of the world... there is no more critical test of our democracy... Democracy, my dear Fermoyle, is neither the ultimate... nor necessarily the best form of government. It is simply the favorite doctrine of a country... discovered by an Italian, who thought he was going someplace else. Your Eminence suggests a stimulating topic for discussion... but my point is that what happens to freedom in America... is important to the rest of the world. But isn't your precious separation of church and state... a part of that freedom? Aren't you always telling us we may not intrude... in the domestic affairs of your country in any way? By your own logic, it is foolish... to challenge the deepest feelings and convictions... of the people of... What is the name of the place? - Georgia, Your Eminence. - Georgia. Father Gillis, may I suggest that your primary obligation is not... to political and social reform... but to the mortal souls of your flock. Thank you, Monsignor, for bringing us Father Gillis. We're always happy to meet a brother in Christ. Let's get back to our work now. I really don't remember where we left off. Is that it? I'd hoped we could dissuade him. What will you do when you get back? Thank you for your support. I must go there, Alfeo. I told him he could count on my help and then I failed him. You went as far as you possibly could within the limits of your function. There was another time somebody relied on me for help. I did everything within my function for her, and it wasn't enough. If you made a mistake with your sister... if you were too young to be both priest and brother to her... you've atoned for that a long time ago. You don't have to find new ways to torture yourself. I just don't want to realize again that it's too late to accomplish something. What is there to accomplish by following Father Gillis? I don't know, but I know I have to do it. I don't think it will be a surprise if I say... the Pope has given some thought to naming you a bishop. I've heard a certain amount of talk. - You can't tell me it doesn't matter to you. - It matters very much. But it also matters to me what happens to Gillis. I'll try not to compromise the Holy See. I don't have to be an official emissary. You still need the Holy Father's permission... which means Giacobbi's, unfortunately. Do you suppose the thought might enter his mind... that I could make a fool of myself in Georgia? It might. What if you started him thinking along that line? Why would I want to discredit you? It might occur to him that this trip could lessen my chances to become a bishop. Which could be just the incentive he needs to grant me permission to go. Heaven forgive me for starting you off in diplomacy. All right, Father. Uncle Steve, it's so wonderful to see you. Regina, I'd like you to meet a shipboard friend of mine, Father Eberling. Father, I'm sorry. This is awful. I don't imagine Father Eberling found it too painful. Nicest welcome home I ever had. Now. Uncle Steve. I'm so glad you're you, I mean, not him. You're so much better looking, and younger. With that blarney and your looks, you'll have your pick of husbands. - Anything to declare? - Nothing. Thank you, Father. Yeah, I'll get the bags. Steve. Boy, you look great. How do you keep the old weight down? Prayer, Frank. And a strict calorie count. - How's it going? - Pretty good. No money, but I'm knocking 'em dead every night. Singing in one of the best speakeasies in town. I hope to be able to hear you before I go back. What are your plans? That's the trouble. You shouldn't have come to New York. Who said I shouldn't? Am I some sort of an old lady... I meant I have to catch a train this afternoon. We barely have time for lunch. But it's worth it. I don't like you spending the money. Round-trip fares for you and Regina? - Are you really sorry I brought her? - She's an absolute delight, ravishing. Having her around has made it easier for me to accept God's will. Seeing her now has made it easier for me. Excuse me? Where does Father Gillis live? - Right over there. - Thank you. - Monsignor. - Father Fermoyle from Boston, for now. Do come in. Monsignor Whittle, this is Father Fermoyle. - How do you do? - Hello. Sheriff Dubrow. What brings you to Lamar, Father? I'm a friend of Father Gillis. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I've already said what I come to say. There's a law against arson in this state. So I had to do my job. When Gillis here, Father Gillis... made out a complaint, I brought the charges. Tomorrow he can get up in the trial and testify. That is, unless you can talk some sense into him. He's your boy, not mine. Know what I mean? I don't. What do you mean? That there's trouble for everybody, for him, for me, for the Church. - What are you doing here, Father? - I told you, I'm a friend of Father Gillis. As a friend, I wish you'd tell this hard-headed boy... He's not a boy, Monsignor, he's a priest. Do you presume to correct my terminology, Father? I simply meant to remind you that we are all brothers in Christ. Then, my Yankee brother, will you tell this Father Gillis... that he must not testify? 'Cause people around here, they're in an awful ugly mood. Do you want to testify? - Yes, Father. - Good. Father Gillis will be at the trial tomorrow. That does it. That just about puts the lid on it. Look, you know nothing of the conditions around here... Monsignor, a church has been burned. Charges have been brought, testimony must be given. What is so unusual about due process of law? I recognize a Yankee... sanctimonious self-righteousness. You will not testify, Father. You will withdraw your complaint. You... you will give me the name of your superior to whom I will report you. You were sent here from Rome? I'm here unofficially. My presence is a confidential matter between us. But it's my strong opinion... that we must allow Father Gillis to act as he sees fit. Just as you say, Monsignor. I assume that he can count on you for your support in whatever he does. - Yes, but... - Then perhaps we can discuss the details... of that support on the way into town... if you can drive me. I'd like to find a hotel. Of course. I'd be delighted. I'll get in touch with you later. I can't believe you're here. I didn't think anybody cared. Have you so little faith? The hotels are on the other side of the square. Who told you that? I don't need anybody to tell me, Father. It's in the Bible. Is it also God's law to burn churches? We had nothing to do with that, Father. I'm a good Catholic. They must be members of your congregation. You've got to see the problem, Monsignor. We're in the minority here, too. I'm sure you wouldn't have permitted this demonstration if you'd known of it. I'll see that it's stopped immediately. Good people, can I just talk to you for a minute? What's going on there? You want something, mister? I need a room for a couple of nights. It just so happens we don't have any rooms available. I kind of get the impression you've been meddling, padre. Looked to me like it was you who got that picket line called off. For a Catholic priest to offer advice to members of his faith is not meddling. Maybe you don't know what's going on in this town. Some nigger is trying to make trouble for some white folks. - Some nigger priest. - Some nigger Catholic priest. You can't really get much lower than that. Perhaps you could recommend a good tourist home? If you're a tourist, get touring before you've got something to be sorry for. You ain't going to find a bed tonight. Not in this town. I don't know, Cecil. Maybe he could find a bed in niggertown. Yeah, that's right. Maybe some licorice-stick bitch won't mind squeezing over for you. What do you think, Cecil? I think we got ourselves a little job this evening. Give me the Sheriff's office. All right. What do you call this thing? I mean, the fancy name? A crucifix. Yeah, that's what the nigger called it when we took it from him. Only he was queer for it. He kept wanting to kiss it while we was strengthening his character. We ain't gonna stand for that kind of stuff. You know what you're going to have to do with this little old statue, padre? You're going to spit on it. And what would that prove... except you've been able to scare one priest into defiling the image of Christ? Maybe that's just plenty. You'll tell them other nigger-lovers up north they ain't welcome here. Now you spit on it. I said for you to spit on it! All right, keep going. Give it to him! Maybe he needs a little music. Got your harmonica? Guaranteed to heal cuts, ringworm, harness sores and... foot welts. Who are you? Name's Lafe. You live in Lamar? All my life. Are you Catholic? No. Then why are you doing this? I ain't doing much. Do you think you can walk? I can try. I'll take you to Owassa Junction. You can get a train north there. I'm going back to Lamar. There's a trial starting there this morning. In a quiet way, you're kind of a hard man, aren't you? My car's just across the field. You knew where to find me. You were one of them last night. When you start something you don't always know how you'll feel about it later. - Last night... - Don't try to talk. Play. - Stefano! - Alfeo. Monsignor Fermoyle. We had such a desire to talk to you, but you couldn't be reached. I came back to Europe on a small ship, Your Eminence. I needed time for meditation. Your publicity traveled more quickly. It served to remind us all of your flair for the theatrical. If I'd chosen the theatricals, I'd have staged them differently. When Quarenghi and I discussed your trip to America... I had the distinct impression it would be an unofficial one. There were more than 30 witnesses to that display of violence. Some talked. The reporters at the trial had the story soon enough. What seems important is the result. A group of racists convicted on the testimony of a Negro priest. Convicted not of arson, but of some minor infraction. Disorderly conduct. That doesn't matter. It's the first conviction of a white man in that part of the country... on the word of a Negro. What is the price of victory in this skirmish? You plunge the Vatican into controversy, which many of your leading prelates... have advised us to avoid. They're only fooling themselves. They must face up to it eventually. Eventually, by all means. A slow process of education. In the meantime, kids without decent education now will die of old age... before you do anything to help them. I didn't mean to involve the Church. Now that it's happened, I'm not sure it isn't a desirable thing. Desirable for whom, Monsignor? For your private causes or for the Holy Church? Does your concept of desirability... include splitting Catholic opinion in America right down the middle? Some of us feel, dear brother... that it is precisely a clear Vatican policy in these matters... that might prevent such a split. We all have our own opinions, dear brother. We can only place them before the Holy Father... and so discover which of them is correct. What do you think, Alfeo? Will the Pope feel I was indiscreet? Well, your job was supposed to be consulting on American affairs... not hurling yourself into the thick of them. I wouldn't recommend it as the ideal way to become a bishop. If there was so much commotion here, he's probably heard about it already. If not, you can be sure he will now. And it won't be long after that before you know the result. March 13, 1938. Hitler enters Vienna... at 5:30 p.m., welcomed by enthusiastic crowds. Cardinal Innitzer, Archbishop of Vienna, reads a letter signed by him... and all the other Austrian bishops, welcoming Hitler to Austria. We acknowledge happily that the National Socialist movement has... for the German Reich and people... and especially for the underprivileged classes... achieved outstanding progress. The bishops are extending their blessings and best wishes... for the future of these efforts. On the day of the plebiscite, it is for us bishops... a natural, national obligation... to declare ourselves as Germans and as part of the German Reich. We expect of all faithful Catholics... that they will know what they owe to their people. That's enough! You are familiar with Vienna, aren't you, Bishop Fermoyle? Yes, I am, Your Eminence. I'm going to ask the Holy Father to send you there immediately. Your official function will be to shut down the nunciature. And my unofficial function? It will be an educational one. Instructing a prince of the Church in the realities of the modern world. The first thing we noticed on the screen, Your Eminence... was that all the church bells rang as Hitler entered Vienna. You think they asked me for permission? It's a standard courtesy to distinguished visitors. We are great bell-ringers here. But this visitor... Dr. Seyss-lnquart ordered it as a friendly gesture. He was Interim Chancellor and is now Hitler's High Commissioner. A very devout Catholic. A war hero. - Some tea? - Thank you. You understand I'm not speaking for myself... - but for the Holy See. - Naturally. Drop of rum in it? - I don't think I'd... - Just a taste. - Sugar? - Nothing, thank you. What disturbed the Vatican most... was the declaration urging people to vote "Yes" in the plebiscite. I understand. You mustn't leave here without tasting this strudel. I ordered it for you because I know... that you Americans are mostly interested in strudel... when you come to Vienna. My only concern, of course, was the Church. I've nothing to do with politics. - That statement was non-political? - Quite so. On a vote whether Austria should become part of Germany? Austria is part of Germany. Hitler announced it. The plebiscite is a mere formality. A formality that Hitler himself seems to consider very important. Precisely. Hitler wants Austria. A great many Austrians want Hitler. If the Church presides at the marriage, we'll get better treatment than if it didn't. But you're doing more than presiding. You've come out in favor of the union. Rome feels the Church will be stronger in the long run... if we take a more critical stand toward National Socialism... than you have taken so far. Does Rome have any idea how Hitler responds to criticism? Would you like to see Catholic men and women scrubbing the sidewalks... like so many Jews? There are principles we cannot compromise. The rights of the Church over family life, education of our youth. Your Excellency, what do you think I'm doing here? Protecting those very rights. I have been given personal assurances from the very highest sources. We have to remember what happened in Germany. Austria is a different matter. Don't forget this is a Catholic country. It's the country where he himself was born and baptized. - Nevertheless, the Vatican feels... - You see, Fermoyle... I know the people who've taken over here. You'll meet some at Dr. Seyss-lnquart's reception tonight. We have a civilized tradition in Austria that the Germans don't have. Then why are people here so anxious to be annexed by them? Because our blood is German. It's hard for a non-German to understand. Hardest of all for an American. Why do you say that? You are used to so much mixture. The joining together of all German people is... what we have been dreaming of for 1,000 years. The Germans and we are different in many ways, yes. But our blood is the same. I agree with Your Eminence that it's a hard concept to understand. Then why waste our time trying? Why don't you tell me, in brief, what it is the Holy Father expects of me? First, he would like you to make it clear... that your recommendation to vote "Yes" was purely personal... not binding on Catholics as a matter of conscience. And once that is done, to issue no further statements on the plebiscite. Very simple instructions to obey. I have no desire to make election statements. I'm not a politician. Your Eminence, Theodor Cardinal Innitzer and your Excellency, Bishop Fermoyle. General Albrecht Kraus. Bishop Fermoyle. Frau Walter, may I introduce you to Bishop Fermoyle? Frau Clara Walter. Dr. Seyss-lnquart. Your Eminence. This is His Excellency Bishop Fermoyle. An American who works in the Vatican. I am honored. I do hope you tell His Holiness how we esteem His Eminence here. I spoke today on the telephone with the Führer. And he said: "All Austria must be at your command, my dear Seyss-lnquart... "except Cardinal Innitzer." He said, "Remember, your authority you have from me... "his is from God." Herr Kurt von Hartman and Frau Annemarie von Hartman. - Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler. I finally did make my trip to America. Kurt went on business two years ago and took me along. But we never saw Boston. I'm afraid most people don't. How did you like what you did see? Very much. Most of it. There were things our people should have here to bring them into modern times. Now, I think we will begin to get them. Because of Hitler? Annemarie finds merits in Mr. Hitler... not apparent to more detached observers. But you don't agree? As a banker, I have to know some economics... You have to go up about 1,500 meters to get good snow this late. The Zugspitze. St. Christopher above Adelberg... This is getting to be a persecution complex. Not to speak in front of Reinhard, who's been with us 12 years. I believe the best rule is to make no exceptions. The great danger about the Nazis, I believe... is they must keep expanding or collapse. Sooner or later this means war. He says peace is the great dream of his life. While he builds tanks and planes and surrounds himself with gangsters. Some of them are crude, I know. But I think we need their strength. Now we have become part of a great, powerful country. - Who could it be? - I don't know. Excuse me. Gestapo! Excuse me. Kurt! Do you know why he did it? His grandmother on his father's side was Jewish. The Nazis knew. Apparently, he was half out of his mind with fear. He couldn't decide whether to get out of the country or what. He discussed all this with his lawyer, but he never told me. - How would you have reacted? - I'm not sure. Perhaps he wasn't either. It wasn't fair of him not to tell me. How could I help him if I didn't know? He must have been desperate. You don't think what he did was right, do you? Nothing ever can justify suicide. But some cases are easier to understand. The mental condition of people who feel persecuted becomes distorted... and nothing they do is understandable to the normal mind. Your Eminence. Forgive me for breaking in on you like this, but I was at the opera... and it occurred to me you'd want to read this at the earliest opportunity. The correction you asked for of our statement on the plebiscite. You'll probably want to send it on to the Vatican. I think you'll find it covers all the points we discussed. - When will this be published? - Is Your Excellency joking? The Nazis aren't going to let anything be printed that will lose them votes. I suggest you have it read in every church in the country, Sunday morning. That's the day of the plebiscite. Won't many people go to Mass before they vote? - It might cause disturbances. - Then you reject the idea? Unless I get a direct order from the Vatican. That, I'd naturally obey... even if I thought it was imprudent. Good night, Bishop Fermoyle. Don't bother to show me out. I can see how busy you are. We're getting the papers from Archbishop Cicognani's regime ready for shipment. Reminding me that we'll soon have no direct voice of Rome at our side. Good night. While His Eminence was here, this lady came. I wouldn't have come here, but I didn't know where else to turn. What's happening? They are following me, the Gestapo. I think they followed me here. I don't know what they're after, but... if they take me to prison, they can make me say anything they want to, can't they? With drugs and torture. I don't think I could stand much pain. - I don't know what to do, where to go. - You can stay here. Father Neidermoser? Is Sister Wilhelmina still up? - I believe so. - Please ask her to come here. You'll be safe with us. - I'm sorry. - Don't be. I'm glad I can be of help to you. Thank you. Come in. - You sent for me, Your Excellency? - Yes, Sister. I want you to prepare a room for Frau von Hartman. Certainly. Sister Wilhelmina will see to it that you have everything you need. Will you come with me, Frau von Hartman? Thank you again. Your Eminence must have been among the first voters this morning. The news was on the radio at 9:00. I'm an earlier riser. I like to say Mass at 6:00. You advertised how you had voted. I reported to you the Holy Father's concern for the... My dear Bishop, you said I was to issue no more statements on the plebiscite. Last night, at the end of Hitler's campaign speech, all the church bells rang again. You just won't understand about the bells. What would attract attention is not to ring them. Radio reports say that priests all over the country are urging people to vote "Yes." And the big news is that after you cast your vote... My purely personal vote. You gave the Nazi salute, Heil Hitler. That is correct. The words have become a part of the German language. They are used instead of "good morning" or "good evening"... even, I regret to say, instead of "God bless you." Still, under the circumstances, that salute was a partisan political act. I was not issuing a statement. I have not disobeyed the Holy Father. Literally, maybe not. What I tried to convey to Your Eminence was a spirit, a general attitude. To that you obviously paid no attention at all. You deliberately decided that your way was better than the Holy Father's. That's how I see it, and that's how I'll have to report it. One moment, Bishop. You must understand that I have no wish to pry into your personal life. That was taken at Kurt von Hartman's funeral. May I ask how Your Eminence happens to have come by this picture? The police gave it to me. I knew Frau von Hartman before she was married. I was here at the time during a leave of absence from priesthood. A leave of absence? My vows naturally remained in force. That was many years ago. And right now, this very same woman is living with you at the nunciature? She's staying with Sister Wilhelmina, the housekeeper. I don't suggest there's anything improper about it. But you must appreciate what the Nazis might make of it. I granted Frau von Hartman sanctuary. From the police, I know. But does the fact that the police claim she has committed a crime... make the propaganda image any more favorable to the Church? She has not committed a crime. Nobody has charged her with anything. I'd better bring you up to date on that. There is clear evidence that Kurt von Hartman... for understandable reasons, was planning to leave Austria. That may be true, but it hardly... He wanted to take a large sum of money with him. That's been against the law for years, long before the Nazis came. This in no way involves his wife. The fact that her personal jewelry was included. Included in what? Sewn, with the money, into the lining of a suitcase found in the apartment. - I didn't know about that. - She didn't tell you. She told me that she knew nothing about her husband's plans. And you accepted that. I suppose it might even be true. If it is, she should want the investigation to proceed so her name can be cleared. Simply tell her to cooperate with the authorities. - When the authorities are the Gestapo... - I cannot have this scandal. Not at a moment when I am completing... the most delicate negotiations for the future of the Church in Austria. I have to think about it. I have to talk to Frau von Hartman. But you appreciate the importance of the problem and the urgency? You'll find a way that won't embarrass me or my relations with the new government? Yes, I will find a way. They've just reported the totals of the plebiscite. 11,807 "No" votes. 4,443,208 "Yes" votes. The percentage of "Yes" votes was 99.73. Thank you, Father. 99 and 3/4 percent majority. There's a soap in America that's advertised as 99.44 percent pure. But Hitler has to be even purer. - You'll close the nunciature. - Austria doesn't exist anymore. Our diplomatic relations are with Germany, with the nuncio in Berlin. The Gestapo said they found a suitcase hidden in your apartment. Jewelry of yours was sewn into the lining along with cash. Kurt always kept my jewelry in his safe. I'll find a way to get you out of the country. You don't owe me anything, Stephen. I owe you a great deal. At a time when I'd forgotten how to love, you helped me to love again. And you gave that love, not to me, but to God. It was his to begin with, it was always his. For me it was always you. I never loved another man but you. Excuse me, Your Excellency, telephone. I want a Vatican witness along with me tonight. Not only to keep the record straight, but it should be an educational experience. I want you to report that a non-Roman can practice successful diplomacy. - Where are we going? - To see Adolf Hitler. We've been waiting more than two hours. Does the Führer know this? - I'm sure he knows, Your Eminence. - Thank you. Two hours is a bit long, no matter how busy he is... but at least we should find him in a good mood. Austria is his greatest triumph yet. Cardinal Innitzer. Not Bishop Fermoyle. - The Führer wants to speak to you alone. - But I specifically asked... The Führer gave these orders. Excuse me, Your Excellency. You will tell people when you are home in America, about these days of glory... how you saw two German countries peacefully reunited. I will tell people what I saw. It will be the same when we free our German brothers... in the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia. And also in your country. - You're talking about the United States? - Yes. We have no wish to conquer your land or harm your people. Our only purpose is to liberate the five million Germans there. Your friend must have said something wrong. He repudiated all his promises to me, every one of them. There is going to be a war, he says. The Church must be drafted into the service of the Fatherland... the same as the Army. In Austria, there must be even more control than in Germany... because we have such a Catholic majority. Our schools are to be abolished. Our youth groups dissolved. Catholic marriage will no longer have the force of law. At the very end, he started yelling... and asked me if I didn't think Almighty God... had chosen him to lead the German people to their destiny. He didn't wait for an answer. And I remembered myself at the plebiscite... raising my hand in a heathen salute... and saying not, "Praise to the Lord," but "Heil Hitler." We could save the Blessed Sacrament. It leads to the crypt under the cathedral. Eminence! Oh, no. It's only a scratch. We must get you out of here. With a Vatican passport, you are one of the few people who can leave the country. At least for the moment. You must tell the truth about Hitler's promises. You can't stay here, Your Eminence. You're not safe. Safety, I'm afraid, is among the illusions we can no longer depend on. Pray for me. Your Excellency, the most extraordinary thing... Frau von Hartman. The Gestapo came to question her. I told them they'd no right to enter the building. - That it's the soil of a sovereign power. - What happened? Frau von Hartman went outside to meet them. She didn't wish to claim the right of asylum here. I begged her to wait till Your Excellency returned, but... She wouldn't? Frau von Hartman said her character was barely strong enough... to do what she was doing right then. It wouldn't hold up if she had to talk to you about it. Open up! I couldn't believe it, Your Excellency, when they told me who was here. Why did you let them take you? Because it suddenly seemed easier not to fight them. It just didn't matter anymore. It matters a lot. We both know you're innocent. Of one thing, to escape from Austria with money and jewels. I'm innocent of that. And with the right help, you may prove it. I have a lawyer coming to see you. Is it worth so much effort? I wonder. I've had time to think about myself since Kurt died. When I was a spoiled girl, I fell in love with a young man. A priest. I loved him. At least, I think I loved him. But he was also a challenge to my vanity. I wanted to take him away from his priesthood. I wanted to take him away from God. - You're not allowing us much time. - No, let me speak please. When I lost that campaign, I was disappointed... and I turned to Kurt, which might have been all right... if I had been able to make myself, for him, the wife I used to dream about. A woman who existed only for her man. Poor Kurt. He would have been satisfied with less, much less, but I gave him nothing. - Annemarie... - Let me finish. Even when two people have very little to share... it is possible for them to make some sort of a life together. Until one of them has a very strong need of the other. When Kurt felt such a need, there was nowhere for him to turn. He loved me too much to leave the country without me... and he couldn't be sure enough of me to tell me about his plan. I can imagine what he felt... when he heard my foolish talk about the new Greater Germany. Because of that alone, it serves me right that I'm here now. Do you think Kurt would feel that way? No. He was too kind. He would not want to see me hurt. Then that's one reason to try to clear yourself, for his sake. Also for mine, because I care what happens to you. Thank you. I wish I did. Let's wrap it up! Your time is up. You have to. The most important reason of all is for your own sake. Because of what you are. Not an ant in a totalitarian anthill... but a human being, an individual... with a God-given soul of your own. Come. Thank you, Your Excellency. And goodbye. I have the honor to inform Your Eminence... that the Holy Father will confer the cardinal's biretta... at the semipublic consistory in the Apostolic Palace of the Vatican... Thursday morning, at 10:00. Thank you. My friends... dear brethren in Christ... my mother... and the other members of my family, who have traveled so far for this occasion. I thank you all for being here. And I know you share my gratitude to the Holy Father... for the honor he has done to me and to America. When His Holiness informed me that he intended to name me... to the Sacred College of Cardinals... my first reaction was that I could not live up to his confidence in me. I haven't gotten over that fear yet. I doubt that I ever will. But the second thought I had about it gave me the strength to try. What occurred to me was that there is a special significance... in the Holy Father's decision to send me back to my own country... as a cardinal and archbishop... at this moment of global crisis. America's first bishop, John Carroll... was the brother of a signer of the Declaration of Independence... and a living example... of that loyalty to church and state... to religion and to democracy... that this moment in history demands from us all. I have seen at close range... the hell on earth that awaits us all if totalitarianism prevails. If the world forgets that all men alike are the children of God... endowed by their Creator... with the unalienable right... to life... liberty... and the pursuit of happiness. That is America's creed. That is the Gospel of the Church. It is in danger, at this moment, from men... and doctrines that are the enemies of all freedoms... political, as well as religious. The defense of freedom calls for strong voices... strong hearts... strong hands. Pray for me, that I may not falter... and for the liberty and exaltation of our church... and our beloved country. God bless you. I have in this dream play attempted to imitate the inconsequent yet transparently logical shape of a dream. Everything can happen, everything is possible and probable. Time and place do not exist; on an insignificant basis of reality the imagination spins, weaving new patterns; a mixture of memories, experiences, free fancies, incongruities and improvisations. The characters split, double, multiply, evaporate, condense, disperse, assemble. But one consciousness rules over them all, that of the dreamer; for him there are no secrets, no illogicalities, no scruples, no laws. He neither acquits nor condemns, but merely relates; and, just as a dream is more often painful than happy, so an undertone of melancholy and of pity for all mortal beings accompanies this flickering tale. Sleep, the liberator, often seems a tormentor, but when the agony is harshest comes the awakening and reconciles the sufferer with reality -which, however painful, is yet a mercy, compared with the agony of the dream. The castle is still rising from the earth. ... do you see how much it has grown since last year? I've never seen that castle before... never heard of a castle rising ... but Yes, it has grown eight feet, but that's because they've manured it... And if you look carefully, you'll see that a wing has grown on the side facing the sun. Won't it flower soon? We're past midsummer. Don't you see the flower up there? Yes, I see it! Father, why do flowers grow out of dirt? Because they don't like the dirt, so they run up into the light as fast as they can, to blossom and die! Do you know who lives in the castle? I did once, but I've forgotten. I think there's a prisoner inside. I'm sure he's waiting for me to free him. But at what price? One doesn't bargain about one's duty. Let's go into the castle. Yes, let's go. You mustn't, you mustn't. Please, Agnes, let me keep my sword. No, you'll break the table. Go down to the harness-room and put the window in, and we'll meet later. You are a prisoner in your room. I have come to free you. I suppose I've been waiting for that. But I wasn't sure you'd want to. The castle is strong, it has seven walls, but we'll manage. Do you want to or not? To be honest, I don't know. Either way I'll suffer. Every joy in life must be paid for with a double portion of sorrow. Sitting here is hard, but if I buy my freedom I'll have to suffer threefold. Agnes, I'd rather stay here, if only I can see you. What do you see in me? The beauty which is the harmony of the universe. There are lines in your figure which I find only in the orbits of the solar system, in the sound of a violin, in the vibrations of light. -You are a child of God... -So are you. Then why must I guard horses? Clean stables, and shovel manure? So that you shall long to get away. I do long, but it's so hard to break the habit. But it's a duty to seek freedom in the light. Duty? Life has never shown any sense of duty towards me. You feel life has been unjust to you? Yes! It has been unjust. You don't want it? A silk cloak for me, my dear? What's the use? I shall die soon. You believe what the doctor says? Even what he says, but mostly I believe the voice that speaks in here. And you think of your children, first and always. They've been my life, my justification, my joy and my grief. Kristina, forgive me — for everything. Oh, my dear. Forgive me, dearest. We have tormented each other. Why? We don't know. We couldn't do otherwise. But here are the children's new clothes. See they change twice a week on Wednesday and Sunday, and that Louisa washes them - all over. Are you going out? I must go up to the college. It's eleven o'clock. Ask Alfred to come in before you go. Here he is, the little dear. My eyes are starting to go, too. Yes, it's getting dark. Alfred. Come here. Who is that girl? It is Agnes. Oh, is it Agnes? Do you know what they say? That she's the God Indra's daughter, who asked to be allowed to come down to earth to see what human life is really like. -But don't say anything. -She is a god's child! Alfred dear, I shall soon be leaving you and your brothers and sisters. Let me give you some advice. Yes, Mother. It's just this. Never strive with God. What do you mean, Mother? You mustn't go round feeling life has been unjust to you. But when people do treat me unjustly? You're thinking of the time you were unjustly punished for stealing a penny that was later found? Yes. And that injustice warped my whole life. I know. But now go to that cupboard - You know, then? It's - The Swiss Family Robinson. Which - Don't go on. Which your brother got punished for - and which you'd torn up and hidden. Fancy that cupboard still standing there after twenty years. We've moved so often, and my mother died ten years ago. Well, what of it? You always have to ask questions about everything. That way you'll ruin the best life has to offer. Ah, here's Lina. Please, madam. It's very kind of you, but I can't go to the christening - -Why not, child? -I've nothing to wear. You can borrow this cloak of mine. Oh, madam, I can't do that. I don't understand. I shall never go to any more parties- What will Father say? It's a gift from him - He wouldn't be so small-minded. Are you lending my gift to the servant? Don't speak like that. Remember I was once a servant too. Why must you hurt someone who is innocent? Why must you hurt me, your husband? Oh, this life! When one does a good deed, there's always someone for whom it's ugly. Help one person, you hurt another. Ah, this life! Alas for mankind! You think so? Yes. Life is hard - but love conquers all! Come and see. Isn't that shawl ready yet? Why, no, my dear. Twenty-six years is no time for such a task. And your lover never came back? No, but it wasn't his fault. He had to go away, poor man. That was thirty years ago. Wasn't she a dancer? Up there, in the opera? She was the star. But when he went, he seemed to take her dancing with him. And she never got any more parts. Everyone complains. With their eyes, if not their tongues. I don't complain. Not now, since I got a fish-chest and a green fishing-net. And that makes you happy? Oh, yes, so happy! It was the dream of my youth. And now it's come true. Of course, I'm - fifty now- Fifty years for a fish-chest and a fishing net - A green fishing-net, a green one. Give me the shawl, then I can sit here and watch the people. But you must stand behind and tell me about them. Today's the last day before the theatre closes. Now they learn whether they're being kept on or not - What happens to those who aren't? Blessed jesus, you'll see. I'll put the shawl over your head. Poor people. Look, here comes one. She's not one of the chosen. See how she's crying. Alas for mankind! But look at this one. There's a happy man. He is to marry Miss Victoria. Victoria! She'll be right down. The carriage is waiting, the table laid, the champagne on ice. May I embrace you, ladies? Victoria! I am here! Ah, well. I'll wait. Do you know me? No. For seven years I have walked here and waited for her - at noon, when the sun stood above the chimneys, and at evening, when the gloom of night began to fall. Look at the floor here, you can see the footprints of the faithful lover. Hurrah! She is mine! Victoria! Well, she's getting dressed. You've a fishing-net, I see. Everyone at the opera house is crazy about fishing-nets - or rather fish! They like dumb fish, because they can't sing. -What does a thing like that cost? -It's quite expensive. Victoria! Look- it's coming into leaf again. For the eighth time. Victoria! Now she's combing her fringe. Come, madam, let me go up and fetch my bride. No one's allowed on to the stage. Seven years I have been walking here. Seven times three hundred and sixty-five makes two thousand five hundred and fifty-five! And that door I've stared at two thousand five hundred and fifty-five times, without discovering where it leads to. And that clover-leaf to let in light. For whom does it let in light? Is there someone inside? Does someone live there? I don't know. I've never seen it opened. It looks like a pantry door I saw when I was four and went away one Sunday afternoon with the maid. Away, to other maids, but I never got beyond the kitchens, and I sat between the water-cask and the salt-barrel. I've seen so many kitchens in my time, and the pantries were always in the porch, with bored round holes and a clover-leaf. But the opera house has no pantry, for they have no kitchen. Victoria! ... Tell me, she can't go out any other way but this, can she? No there's no other way. Good, then I shan't miss her. Now she must be here soon. I say! That flower out there, that blue monk's-hood. I haven't seen that since I was a child. Is it the same one? I remember in a parsonage, when I was seven - two doves, on it, blue doves under that hood but once a bee came and crept into the hood. Then I thought, "Now I have you!" so I pinched the flower shut; but the bee stung through it and I cried. But then the parson's wife came and put wet earth on it and we had wild strawberries and milk for supper. I think it's getting dark already. Where are you going? Home for supper. Supper? At this time of day? Look - may I go in for a moment and telephone to the rising castle? What do you want there? I must tell the glazier to put in double windows, for it'll soon be winter and I'm so terribly cold. Who is Miss Victoria? The girl he loves. Well answered. What she may be to us and others, he doesn't care. All she is, is what she is to him. It's getting dark quickly today. To the gods a year is as a minute. And to humans a minute can be as a year. -She hasn't come yet? -No She'll come. She'll come. But perhaps I'd better cancel the lunch. As it's already evening. Yes, I'll do that. May I have my shawl now? No, take a little time off, I'll do your job. I want to learn to know people and life, to find out if it's as hard as they say. But you mustn't sleep at your post here. Never sleep, night or day Not sleep at night? Yes, if you can, with the bell-rope round your wrist there are night-watchmen on the stage and they're relieved every three hours, But that's inhuman - You may think so, but folk like me are glad of such a job, and if you knew how envied I am Envied? For doing this? Yes. But, you know, what's worse than the hours and the drudgery and the draughts and the cold and the damp is being everybody's confidante. They come to me - why? Perhaps they read in the lines of my face the runes of suffering that invite confidences. That shawl hides thirty years of sorrows, mine and others'. It's heavy too, and it burns like nettles. Wear it if you wish. When it gets too heavy, give me a shout and I'll come and relieve you. What you can bear, I surely can. We'll see. But be kind to my little friends, and don't yawn at their sorrows. From all the evidence, summer is past and autumn near. I see that from that lime-tree and that monk's-hood. But the autumn is my spring. Then the theatre will open again! And then she must come. Kind lady, may I sit on this chair for a little while? Sit, my friend. I can stand. If only I could sleep a little, things would be better. This door, that gives me no peace. What is behind it? There must be something. Ah! Now the rehearsals have begun. What is this? Light and darkness - light and darkness? Day and night. Day and night. A merciful Providence wishes to shorten your waiting; so the days flee the pursuing nights. There's the bill-poster with his fishing-net. Had good fishing? Oh, yes. The summer was hot and a little long. The net was very good, but not quite as I'd imagined Not quite as I'd imagined. Because the thought is more than the deed - bigger than the fact. Hasn't she come down yet? No, not yet, but she'll come soon. Do you know what's behind that door? No, I've never seen that door open. I'll telephone for a locksmith to come and open it. What was wrong with your net? Wrong? Well, there wasn't anything actually wrong but it wasn't as I'd imagined it, so I didn't get so much pleasure from it. How had you imagined the net? How? That I can't say Let me tell you. You had imagined it as it wasn't. Green, yes, but not that green. You know, madam! You know everything - that's why everyone comes to you with their worries, If you'd listen to me just once too Yes, gladly. Come in here, and tell me everything Has Miss Victoria gone? No, not yet. Then I'll wait. She'll come soon, won't she? Oh, yes, certainly. Don't go now, you'll be able to see what's behind this door, for I've sent for the locksmith. It'll be really interesting to see that door opened. That door and the rising castle. Do you know the rising castle? Do I know it? I've been a prisoner there. No, was that you? But why did they have so many horses there? It was a cavalry barracks, of course. How stupid I am. Fancy my not realizing that! Has Miss Victoria left? No, she hasn't left. She never leaves. That is because she loves me. You mustn't go before the locksmith comes to open this door. Oh, is the door to be opened? What fun! I must just ask the stage-door keeper something Has Miss Victoria left? Not as far as I know. You see! Didn't I say she was waiting for me? You mustn't go before the door is opened. -Which door? Is there more than one door? Oh, I know. The one with the clover-leaf. Yes, I'll certainly stay. I must just have a word with the stage-door keeper. Is that the locksmith? No, the locksmith was busy. But it can be done as well by a glazier. Yes, yes, I'm sure. But have you got a diamond? Of course. Who ever heard of a glazier without a diamond? That's true. Then let us get to work! Locksmith - or glazier - do your duty! A moment such as this does not often recur in a person's life, so, my good friends, I beg you, consider carefully - In the name of the law I forbid the opening of this door! Oh, God, the trouble whenever one wants to do anything new and big! We'll take it to court. To the advocate! Then we'll see how the law stands. To the advocate! Say, my sister, please may I have the shawl? I'll hang it in here till I light the stove. Then I'll burn it with all its griefs and sorrows. Not yet, I want to finish it first. And I want to gather up all your griefs, the confidences you've received about crimes and vices, unjust imprisonments, slanders, calumnies- My little friend, your shawl would not suffice. Look at these walls. Isn't it as though all these sins had soiled the wallpaper? Look at these documents on which I write accounts of injustices. Look at me. No one ever comes here who laughs. Only hard glances, bared teeth, clenched fists. And they all spray their malice, their envy, their suspicions, over me. Look, my hands are black, and can never be cleansed, do you see how they are cracked and bloody? I can never wear clothes for more than one or two days because they stink of other men's crimes. Sometimes I have sulphur burned here, but it doesn't help. I sleep in here and dream only of crimes. I've a murder case right now; that I can bear, but do you know what's the worst of all? To part a husband and wife; that makes the earth cry out to heaven, cry treachery against creation, against goodness, against love. And when these briefs are filled with their mutual accusations and at length a humane fellow creature receives one of the two in private, takes him or her by the ear and, smiling, asks the simple question, "What is your real complaint against your husband or wife?" - then he or she stands there, speechless, unable to answer. Once, yes, it was a question of a green salad, another time a single word, most often it's nothing. But the pain, the suffering! These I must endure. Look at me! Do you think I could win a woman's love with this criminal's visage? And do you think anyone wants to be friends with a man who must collect all the city's debts? Alas for mankind! Alas indeed. And what people live on is to me a riddle. They marry on an income of a two thousand crowns, when they need four thousand crowns. They borrow, of course, everyone borrows. They live from day to day and muddle through to death. And they always leave debts behind them. Who will pay in the end, tell me that? He Who feeds the birds. Yes. But if He Who feeds the birds were to step down to His earth and see how His poor children fare, He might perhaps be moved to pity Alas for mankind! Alas indeed. What do you want? I only wanted to ask if Miss Victoria has left. No, she hasn't, you may rest assured. Why are you pointing at my cupboard? I thought that door was so like Oh, no! No, no! Is there a funeral? No, they're conferring degrees, doctors' degrees. And I must go and be made a Doctor of Law. Perhaps you'd like to become a Doctor and get a laurel crown? Yes, why not? It'd make a change Shall we go at once to the great ceremony? Just go and get dressed. Look, now I've washed the shawl. But why are you standing here? Didn't you get the wreath? No. I was unworthy. Why? Because you embraced the cause of the poor, said a good word for the criminal, lightened the burden of the guilty, won reprieves for the condemned. Alas for mankind. They are not angels; but they are much to be pitied. Speak no evil of mankind. I shall plead its cause. Why do they strike their friends in the face? They know no better. Come - I will give you a wreath which will suit you better. Now I will play for you. Have mercy! Hear us! Pity us mortals! Eternal One, why hast Thou forsaken us? From the deep we beseech Thee: mercy, O Eternal One! Place not too heavy a burden on Thy children. Hear us! Hear us! What do you hear, sister? What do you hear? I hear raindrops falling. They are the tears of humans weeping. What else do you hear? Sighing - wailing - mourning. Mankind's complaints have reached here. They reach no further. But why this eternal lamentation? Has life no cause for joy? Yes, the fairest of things, which is the bitterest: love. A wife and a home; the best thing, and the worst. I shall try it. With me? With you. You know the rocks, the reefs. We shall avoid them. I am poor. What of that, if we love each other? And a little beauty costs nothing. I hate things which you may love. Then we must compromise. If we tire of each other? Then a child wall come and give us a happiness which will never fade. You want me, poor and ugly, despised, an outcast? Yes. Let us unite our faults. So be it, then. I'm pasting, I'm pasting. I'm pasting, I'm pasting. You're shutting out the air. I'm suffocating... Air. -Now there's only one little crack left. -Air, I can't breathe! I'm pasting, I'm pasting. That's right, Kristin. Heat costs money. Oh, it's as though you were pasting my lips together! Is the child asleep? His cries scare away my clients. What can we do about it? Nothing. We must find a bigger apartment. We have no money. May I open the window? This air is stifling me. Then the heat will go and we shall freeze. It's horrible. May we scrub the floor out there, then? You haven't the strength, nor have I, and Kristin must paste. She must paste the whole house tight, every crack in the ceilings, the floors, the walls. Poverty I was prepared for, but not dirt. Poverty is always more or less dirty. This is worse than I had dreamed. We're not too badly off. There's still food in the pot. But what food! Cabbage is cheap, nourishing and good. If you like cabbage. It revolts me. Why didn't you say so? Because I loved you. I wanted to make a sacrifice for you. Then I must sacrifice for you my love of cabbage. The sacrifice must be mutual. Then what shall we eat? Fish? But you hate fish. And it's dear. This is harder than I had dreamed. You see how hard it is! And the child, that was to have been our bond and our blessing, is becoming our ruin. My dearest! I am dying in this air, in this room with its window on the yard, the child's ceaseless crying so that I can never sleep, the people out there with their complainings, strifes and accusations. I must die if I stay here. Poor little flower. No light, no air And you say there are some who are worse off. Many of the neighbours envy me. I could bear it if only I could have a little beauty in my home. I know you mean a flower, if possible a heliotrope, but it costs a krona and fifty öre, and that's six litres pints of milk or four casings of potatoes, I'll gladly do without food if I may have my flower. There is a kind of beauty which costs nothing, and whose absence from a home is the worst torment for a man who loves beauty. -What is that? -If I say, you will be angry. We have agreed not to be angry. We have agreed. Everything will be all right, Agnes, as long as we don't speak sharply. You know what I mean. Not yet! We shall never do that. I never shall. Tell me, now. Well. When I enter a home I first look to see how the curtain sits on its rail. If it hangs like a rope or a rag, I leave. Then I glance at the chairs. If they stand straight, I stay. Then I look at the candles in their sticks. If they are crooked, the whole house is awry. This is the beauty, you see, my dear, that costs nothing. Don't speak so sharply, Axel. -I was not speaking sharply. -Yes, you were. -Look, for God's sake! -What kind of language is that? Forgive me, Agnes. But I have suffered from your untidiness as much as you suffer from dirt. And I haven't dared to tidy things up myself, because then you get angry as though I had reproached you. Ugh! Shall we stop now? It is horribly difficult to be married. The most difficult thing of all. I think one has to be an angel. Yes. I agree. I think I shall begin to hate you after this. Woe to us then! Let us beware of hatred. I promise I shall never remark on your untidiness again - though it tortures me. And I shall eat cabbage, though it tortures me. We must torture each other, then. What makes one happy, torments the other. Alas for mankind! You see it now? Yes. But let us in God's name avoid these reefs, now we know them so well. Let us do that. We are humane and enlightened people. We can forgive and forget. We can smile at such trifles. We can - we can! Do you know, I read in the paper this morning - by the way, where is the paper? Which paper? Do I take more than one paper? Smile now, and don't reproach me. I used your paper to make the fire. For God's sake! Smile, now. I burned it because he mocked what is sacred to me And what is not sacred to me. Well! I shall smile, I shall smile so that my back teeth show. I shall be humane, and sweep my opinions under the carpet, and say yes to everything and act the hypocrite. So, you've burned my newspaper. I see. Now I'm tidying things again, and you'll be angry. Agnes, this is impossible. Yes, yes. But we must go on, not because of our vows, but for the child. That's right. For the child. Oh - oh - we must go on. And now I must go out to my clients. Listen, they're buzzing with impatience to get at each other's throats, have each other fined and imprisoned. Lost souls - Unhappy people. I'm pasting, I'm pasting! Oh, how that latch squeaks! It's as though you were squeezing my heart's springs I'm squeezing, I'm squeezing - Don't do it! I'm squeezing! No! I'm - ! Allow me. Certainly. Since you are now a Doctor. Now life lies before me! All paths stand open to me, my feet are on Parnassus, I have won my laurels, immortality, honour. Everything is mine. What will you live on? Live on? You must have a home, clothes, food? That always works out, if only one has someone who loves one. Perhaps. Perhaps. Paste, Kristin! Paste! Till they can't breathe. I'm pasting! Till they can't breathe. -Will you come with me now? -At once. But where? To Fairhaven! There it is summer, there the sun shines, there are young people, children and flowers, singing and dancing, feasting and joy! -Then I want to go there. -Come, come! Now I am returning to my first hell. This was the second - and the worst. The greatest happiness is the greatest hell. Now she's dropped hairpins on the floor again. Fancy, now he's found the hairpins too. Too? Look at this one. Here are two prongs, but one pin. It is two, but it is one. If I straighten it out it is a single entity. If I bend it, it is two without ceasing to be one. That means: these two are one. But if I break it - so! Now they are two, two! All this he has seen. But before one can break it, the prongs must diverge. If they converge, then it will hold. And if they are parallel, then they never meet. They will neither hold nor break. The hairpin is the most complete of all created things. A straight line which is identical with two parallels. A lock which fastens when it is open. Clasping a plait of hair, whose ends stay open when it is clasped shut. Like this door. When I shut it, I open, the way out, for you, Agnes. Shall we go, then? Why, Ordstrom! Have you landed here? Yes, I'm here. Is this Fairhaven? No, that's on the other side. This is Foulstrand. Then we've come wrong. We? Won't you introduce me? No, that wouldn't be proper. This is Indra's own daughter! Indra's? I thought it was Waruna herself. Well, aren't you surprised I'm black in the face? My son, I am fifty years old, and then one is no longer surprised. I assumed immediately that you were going to a masked ball this evening. Quite right. And I hope you will join me? By all means. This place - doesn't look tempting. What kind of people live here? The sick ones live here, the healthy over there. There are only poor people here, then? No, my lad, these are the rich ones. Look at that fellow on the rack there. He's eaten too much grass with truffles and drunk so much Burgundy that his feet have become like briar-wood. -Briar-wood? -Yes. He's got briar-wood feet. And that fellow lying on the guillotine. He's drunk so much brandy they had to run his spine through the mangle. That's not good either. Everyone lives here who has some grief to hide. Look at him, for instance. It's the Major! Our old schoolfellow! Don Juan! You see, he's still in love with that spook at his side. He doesn't see that she's grown old, that she's ugly, faithless, cruel. There's love for you. I'd never have believed that lecher could love so deeply and sincerely. You're very charitable. I myself have loved Victoria. Yes, I still walk the corridor and wait for her - Is it you who walks in the corridor? It is I. Well, have you opened the door yet? No, it's sub judice. The bill-poster is out with his fishing-net, of course, so they're held up for evidence. Meanwhile the glazier has put the windows in at the castle, which has risen half a storey. It's been an uncommonly fine year this year. Warm and damp. But you've never been as warm as it is where I work. How hot is it in the ovens, then? When we disinfect cholera suspects, we bring it up to a hundred and thirty. Is the cholera loose again now? Don't you know? Yes, of course I know, but I so often forget what I know. I often wish I could forget, especially myself. That's why I go to masquerades, fancy-dress balls and social occasions. Why, what have you done? If I talk about it they say I'm boasting, if I keep quiet they call me a hypocrite. Is that why you've blacked your face? Yes. A little blacker than I really am. Who is that coming now? Oh, some poet who needs a mud-bath. Mud? Surely he needs light and air! No, he always lives miles up in space, so he gets nostalgic for mud. It makes your skin hard like a pig's to roll in mud. Then he doesn't feel the gadfly's sting. This curious world of contradictions! Out of clay the god Ptah created man on a potter's wheel, a lathe - Or some other damned thing! - From clay the sculptor creates his more or less immortal masterpieces. Which are usually just crap! From clay are created those indispensable kitchen utensils which men call by the common names of pots and plates. What the hell do I care what they're called? Such is clay! When clay is liquid they call it mud. C'est mon affaire! Lina! Lina, show yourself to Miss Agnes. She knew you ten years ago when you were young and happy See how she is now! Five children, drudgery, squalling, starvation, ironing! See how her beauty has gone, how her joy has vanished, through the performance of those duties which should have given her that inner happiness which expresses itself in the harmony of the facial lines and the still glow of the eyes - Stuff it, stuff it. That's what they still say. And if one is silent, then they say: "Speak!" Impossible creatures. Let me hear your complaint. No, I daren't. Or he'll make things worse. Who is so cruel? I daren't say, or I'll get beaten. That's the way it is. But I'll tell you, even if this blackamoor knocks my teeth out. Let me inform you that injustices sometimes occur. Agnes, daughter of God! Do you hear music and dancing from the hillside up there? Well, that is Lina's sister, who has come home from the city, where she - went astray, if you understand me? Now they are killing the fatted calf, but Lina who stayed at home has to carry the swill and feed the pigs. They rejoice because the prodigal has ceased from her straying, not simply because she has come home. Remember that. Very well. But then put on a dance and a supper each evening for this irreproachable working-girl who has never strayed! Do that. But they won't do it. When Lina isn't working she has to go to church to be reproached for not being perfect. Is this justice? Your questions are so difficult to answer, because - Look at that. Perfect happiness, unqualified bliss. The joy of young love. See what a light shines from them! -It is Victoria! -Well? It is his Victoria. I have mine. And mine, no one may see. Raise the quarantine flag now, and I'll pull in the net. Imagine being able to talk like that, to do such things, when one sees two people in love! Don't touch them! Don't touch Love! It's lese-majeste! Alas, alas! Now all that is beautiful must be debased, hauled down into the mud! Yes, yes! It isn't nice. But everyone must come here, everyone who has been contaminated. What have we done? You don't need to have done anything to be contaminated by the petty dirt of life. So short is happiness and joy! How long must we stay here? Forty days and nights. Then we'd rather go back. -Live here, among scorched hills and pigsties? Now I'm lighting the sulphur. Please step inside. Oh! My blue dress will lose its colour. And turn white. Your red roses shall also turn white. And your cheeks. Forty days! That will please you. No, it will not. Your joy was the cause of my grief, but - it doesn't matter - I am now a Doctor and have a standing over there Ho, ho, yes, yes. And in the autumn I shall get a place in a school to read with schoolboys the lessons I learned in my childhood and youth, and must learn now, the same lessons, throughout my manhood and my old age, the same lessons ... How much is two times two? How many times does two go into four? Till they retire me and I can go jobless, waiting for mealtimes and newspapers, until at last they carry me out to the crematorium and burn me up. Have you no pensioners out here? That must be the worst thing after twice two is four: to start school again, when you've got your Doctorate; to ask the same questions until you die. Look, there goes a pensioner, waiting for death; doubtless a captain who never became a major, or a high-court clerk who never rose to be judge. Many are called, but few are chosen. He's waiting for his lunch No, for my paper! My morning paper! And he's only fifty-four. He may live twenty-five more years waiting for his meals and his paper. Isn't it horrible? What isn't horrible? Answer me, answer! Yes, answer who can. Now I must study with schoolboys; twice two is four! How many times does two go into four? Oh, Victoria, whom I loved, and therefore wished all happiness on earth - now she has happiness, the best she can imagine, and I suffer - suffer - suffer! Do you think I can be happy, when I see you suffer? How can you think that? Perhaps it soothes your pain that I must sit imprisoned here for forty days and nights? Tell me, does that soothe your pain? Yes and no. I cannot be happy while you suffer. Ah! And do you think my happiness can be built on your suffering? Alas for us all! Eternal One, hear them! Life is cruel! Alas for mankind! Here is the peace and joy of holiday. Work has stopped. They have parties every day. The people walk in holiday clothes. They play and dance even in the mornings. -Why don't you go inside and dance, children? -Us? -But they are servants. Oh, yes. But why is Edith sitting there instead of inside? Don't ask her. She has been sitting therefore three hours and no one has asked her to dance. What a cruel pastime! Why don't you go inside as I told you? Because - I can't offer myself. I'm ugly, I know that, so no one will dance with me, but I don't need to be reminded of it by you. Come! Well, my boy, can you tell me what two times two is? Stand up when you're asked a question. Two times two. Let me see. It is two two! I see. You haven't done your homework. Yes, I have, but - I don't know why, but I can't say it. You're making excuses! You know, but you can't say it? Perhaps I can help you. Oh, this is dreadful, it's dreadful. Yes, it's dreadful that such a big boy has no ambition - A big boy, yes, I am big, much bigger than them. Why am I sitting here? I'm a Doctor. Why am I sitting here? Aren't I a Doctor? You are, but you must sit and mature, you see. You must mature. Isn't that right? Yes, that's right, one must mature. Two times two - is two, and I can prove that by analogy, the highest of all forms of proof. Listen now. One times one is one, so two times two must be two. For what applies to one must apply to the other. Your proof obeys the law of logic, but your answer is incorrect. What obeys the law of logic cannot be incorrect. Let us try. One into one goes once, so two into two goes twice. Quite correct, according to your analogy. But then, how much is one times three? It is three! Then two times three must also be three. No, that can't be right. It can't. Unless - No, I'm not mature yet. No, not by a long way. But how long must I sit here, then? How long here? Do you think that time and space exist? Suppose that time exists, then you must be able to say what time is. What is time? Time. That I can't say, but I know what it is; therefore I can know how much two times two is without being able to say it. Can you tell me what time is? -Of course I can. -Say, then. [delete] Time? Let me see. While we talk, time runs. So, time is something that runs while I talk. You're talking now, and while you talk I run; so I am time. That is perfectly correct, according to the laws of logic. But then the laws of logic are insane, for Nils who ran away cannot be time. That is also perfectly correct according to the laws of logic, although it is insane. Then logic is insane. It certainly seems so. But if logic is insane the whole world is insane, and why should I sit here and teach you insanities? Let's find a bottle and have a drink and a swim. This is posterius prius, time reversed. People swim first and drink afterwards. You old duffer! Now, Doctor, don't be impertinent. Lieutenant, if you don't mind. I am an officer, and I don't understand why I'm sitting here being scolded among schoolboys- We must mature! The quarantine's starting! Oh, there you are. Can you imagine, this fellow makes me sit on a school bench, although I'm a Doctor. Well, why don't you get up and go? What? Go? I can't do that. I should think not. Just you try. Save me! Save me from his eyes! Come along. Come and help us dance. We must dance before the plague breaks out. We must! Will the warship sail then? It will sail first. And then there'll be tears. Always tears. When he comes, and when he goes. Let us go. Is no one happy in this Paradise? Yes, there are two who are newly wed. Listen to them! I am so happy that I should like to die. Why die? Because in the midst of my happiness there grows a seed of sadness. It consumes itself like fire. It cannot burn eternally, but must die. This foreboding of the end destroys my happiness at its peak. Let us die together, now. Life is cruel. Alas for mankind! Look at this man! He is the most envied of all who live here. He owns these hundred Italian villas; he owns all these bays, inlets beaches, forests, the fish in the water, the birds in the air and the game in the woods. These thousand people are his tenants and the sun rises over his seas and sinks over his lands - Does he complain too? Yes, and with reason, for he cannot see. He is blind. The most envied of all! Now he wants to see the ship sail out, with his son on board. I do not see, but I hear. I hear how the anchor claws the sea-bed as when one draws the hook from a fish and the heart follows up through the throat. My son, my only child, is going abroad across the wide sea. I can accompany him only in my thoughts. Now I hear the cable screech, and - something flutters and swishes like clothes drying on a line - wet handkerchieves, perhaps and I hear how it snuffles and sobs, like people crying perhaps the small waves lapping against the nets, or is it the girls on the shore, the abandoned, the comfortless? Once I asked a child why the sea was salt, and the child who had a father at sea replied at once: "The sea is salt because sailors cry so much." "Why do sailors cry so much?" "Oh," said the child, "because they are always having to go away. That's why they always dry their handkerchieves up on the masts. "Why do people cry when they are sad?" I asked him. "Oh," said the child, "because their eyes have to be washed sometimes so that they can see more clearly." What does that flag mean? It means yes. That is the lieutenant's "Yes" in red, like the red heart's blood drawn on the blue cloth of heaven. How does "No" look, then? It is blue, like the spoiled blood in his veins. But see how happy Alice is! And how Edith is crying. Meeting and parting. Parting and meeting. That is life. I met his mother. And then she went away. I kept our son. Now he is going. He will surely come back. Who is that? I have heard that voice before, in my dreams, in my youth, when the summer holidays began, in the first year of marriage when my child was born. Every time life smiled, I heard that voice. like the whisper of a breeze from the south, like the music of harps from above, as I imagine the angels to have welcomed Christ on Christmas night. I see. Yes, that's what they've done. Now you have seen almost everything, but you haven't experienced the worst thing. What can that be? Repetition. Repeating the pattern. Go back! Learn your lesson again. -Come! -Where? -To your duties! -What is duty? It is everything you shrink from. Everything you don't want to do and must. It is to abstain, to renounce, to go without, to leave behind. Everything unpleasant, repulsive, tedious - Are there no pleasant duties? They become pleasant when you have performed them When they no longer exist. So duty is always unpleasant. What is pleasant? -Sin is pleasant. -Sin? Which must be punished, yes. However, go back to your duties, or I shall sue you, and we shall go through all the three courts, one, two, three. Go back? To the iron stove with the pot of cabbage, the child's nappies - ? Yes. Today is washing day. We must wash all the handkerchieves Oh, must I do all that again? Life consists of doing things again. I would rather die. Die? One may not. Firstly, because it is dishonourable, so much so that even one's dead body is condemned to insult, and secondly - because it disqualifies us from grace. It is a mortal sin. I shall not return to that dirt and degradation I want to return whence I came, but first I must open the door that I may know the secret. I want the door to be opened! Then you must retrace your steps, return by the same path, and endure all the horrors of trial, the repetitions, the repetitions, the repetitions So be it. But first I must go alone into the desert to rediscover myself. We shall meet again. Come with me. What was that? The unhappy people of Foulstrand. Why do they cry so much more piteously today? Because the sun is shining here, because here there is music,dancing and youth. It enhances their suffering. We must free them. Try. Someone tried once, and they hanged Him on a cross. -Who did? -All right-thinking people. Who are they? Don't you know all right-thinking people? Well, you must meet some. This is Paradise! -This is hell! -Ninety in the shade. I can't work in this heat. I'm giving it up. Then they'll arrest you. And you'll have no food. No food? We who work most must eat least; and the rich who do nothing, they get most. Don't it seem a bit unjust? What do you think, Daughter of God? Tell me. What have you done that you are so black and your lot so hard? What have we done? We were born of poor and not very good parents. -Maybe got punished once or twice. -Punished? Yes. The unpunished sit up there in the casino and eat eight courses with wine. Can this be true? Broadly speaking, yes. You mean that every human being has at some time done something deserving of imprisonment? Yes. -You too? -Yes. Is it true that these poor men are not allowed to bathe here? Not even with their clothes on. Only those who have tried to drown themselves escape a fine. And they get a thrashing in the police station. Couldn't they go outside the town and bathe somewhere in the countryside? There isn't any countryside, it's all enclosed. -This is not Paradise. -I assure you it isn't. But why do people do nothing to improve their lot? Oh, some do. But all the improvers end in prison or the madhouse. Who puts them in prison? All right-thinking men, all honourable Who puts them in the madhouse? Their own despair at the hopelessness of endeavour. And yet we are society's cornerstone. If you didn't get any coal carried, the stove would go out in the kitchen, the fire in the living-room, the machine would stop in the factory; then the lights would go out in the streets, in the shops, in the home; darkness and cold would descend on you. And so we sweat in hell. What do you give us? Help them. I know everyone can't be totally equal, but need they be so unequal? Do you feel like playing cards? No, I must take a walk to be able to eat lunch. To be able to eat lunch? To he able - ? God damn it! It's time to bring out the knives and operate on this rotten body. God damn them! This is not Paradise. No. It is hell. Where have you led me? Far from the hum and wailing of mankind, To the limit of the world, this grotto which We call the Ear of Indra, since the Lord Of heaven hearkens here to man's complaints. Here? How? Do you not see this cave is built like a shell? Do you not know your ear is shaped like a shell? You do, but have not considered it. When you were a child, did you never hold A shell to your ear and hear your heart's blood sigh, Your thoughts whisper in your brain, A thousand worn knots snap in the web of your body? You hear that in this tiny shell. Imagine How it must sound in this far greater one! I hear nothing but the sighing of the winds. Let me interpret. Listen! The winds' complaint. Born in the broad abyss of heaven We were sent by Indra's lightning Down to dusty earth. The field-mud soiled our feet. We had to endure The highway's dust, the city smoke, foul breaths, The stink of food, the fumes of wine. We soared Over the broad sea to cleanse our lungs, Shake our wings, wash our feet. O Indra, Lord Of Heaven, hear us! Hear us when we sigh! The earth is not clean. Life is not good. Men are not evil. Nor are they good. They live as they can, a day at a time. The sons of dust in dust must wander. Born of dust To dust they return. They were given feet to plod, Not wings. They grow dusty. Is the fault theirs or yours? I heard this once Hush! The winds sing still We are winds, the air's children. We carry the complaints of men. Did you hear us In the chimney on autumn evenings, In the cracks of the stove, the gap in the window When the rain wept outside on the tiles, Or on winter evenings in snowy forests? On the gale-swept sea, did you hear our walls and weeping In the sails and in the rigging? We are the winds, the air's children. The human breasts through which we passed Taught us these notes of sorrow. In sickrooms, battlefields and, especially, Nurseries where new-born babies wail and cry At the pain of being born, that is us, us, The winds that whistle and lament. Alas! Alas! Alas! -I seem to have heard this once -Hush! The waves sing. It is we, we, the waves, That rock the winds to rest. Green cradles are we. Wet and salt, we are like tongues of fire Quenching, burning, cleansing, bathing, begetting, It is we, we, the waves, That rock the winds to rest. False waves and faithless, all that is not burned On earth is drowned - in the waves. See here. See what the sea has plundered and destroyed. Only the figureheads of the sunk ships remain, And their names: Justice, Friendship, The Golden Peace, Hope. That is all that remains of Hope. Treacherous Hope. Rockweed, rowlocks, bailers - And see! The lifebuoy. He saved himself but let The mariners perish. Here is the name-board of the good ship Justice, That left Fairhaven with the Blind Man's son. So it has sunk. And there on board Was Alice's lover, Edith's hopeless love. The Blind Man? Fairhaven? I must have dreamed that. And Alice's lover and ugly Edith. Foul- strand and the quarantine, sulphur and carbolic, the ceremony in the church, the Advocate's office, the corridor and Victoria, the rising castle and the Officer - I dreamed it all. I wrote it. Then you know what poetry is Then I know what dreaming is. What is poetry? Not reality, but greater than reality. No dream, but waking dreams. And mortals think we poets only play, Invent and fabricate. It is better so, my friend. Else would the earth Lie waste for lack of encouragement. Men would lie on their backs and look at heaven. No man would take his turn with plough or spade, Plane or pickaxe. You say that, Indra's Daughter, You who are of the gods? You are right to reproach me. I have been down here too long, bathing like you in mud. My thoughts can no longer fly. Clay on my wings; earth on my feet; and I I sink, sink. Help me. Father, O God of Heaven! I can no longer hear him. The ether No longer bears his speech to my ear's shell. The silver thread has snapped. Ah! I am earthbound! Will you leave us soon? As soon as I have burned this flesh. The ocean cannot cleanse me. Why do you ask? Because I have a boon to ask. A petition What kind of petition? A petition from mankind to the Master of the world, written by a dreamer. To be presented to him by By Indra's daughter. Can you speak your poem? I can. Speak it, then. Better that you should. "Why were you born in pain? Why do you torment your mother, Child of man, when you should give her The joy of motherhood, the greatest of all joys? Why do you awake to life? Why do you greet the light With a cry of hostility and pain? Why don't you smile at life, Child of man, since the gift of life Is meant to be joy itself? Why are we born like the beasts, We children of the gods and men? Our spirit craved another dress Than this of blood and dirt. Will God's image change its form?" Hush! A creation should not censure its maker. No one has yet solved the riddle of life. "And so begins our pilgrimage Over thistles, thorns and stones. Wherever the track is beaten, it is forbidden. If you pluck a flower, it belongs to someone else. If the road is blocked by a field and you must go on, You tread on others' crops. Then others tread on yours to even matters. Every joy that you have brings grief to others, But your grief brings joy to none. So grief follows grief, So goes the journey until your death, Which other men will harvest." Son of dust, is it thus you would approach the Highest? How shall the son of dust find words Light, clean and simple enough to rise from earth? Child of God, will you translate our complaint Into words more fitting for the ears of the Eternal One? I will. What is that floating there? A buoy? It is like a lung with a windpipe. It is the watchman of the sea. When danger is near, it sings. The sea seems to be rising. The waves thunder. It's an ordinary ship, in distress. Why does the buoy make no sound? Look - the sea is rising, the waves run high. Soon we shall be imprisoned in this cave. The crew are waving to us. But we shall perish. Do you not want to be liberated from the flesh? Of course I do. But not now. And not by water. Now they are crying, and the sea is crying. But no one hears. Walking on the water? There is only One Who walks on water. It cannot be Peter, the rock, for he sank like a rock. -Is this He? -It is He, the crucified Why - tell me, why was He crucified? Because He wished to liberate mankind. Who - I have forgotten - who crucified Him? All right-thinking people. The sea is rising. Darkness is falling on us. The storm is rising. The crew is crying with fear, now they see their Saviour. And now - they are jumping overboard, in fear of the Saviour. Now they are crying because they have to die. They cry when they are born and they cry when they die. Has the Lord Chancellor come yet? No. Or the Deans? No. Then call them at once, the door is to be opened. Is that so important? Yes, it is. People feel that the solution to the riddle of existence lies hidden there. So call the Lord Chancellor and the Deans of the four faculties. Thus! And don't forget the glazier with the diamond, or we can't open it. Victoria! She'll be down in a moment. I am here! The carriage is waiting, the table is laid, the champagne on ice. May I embrace you, madam? Victoria! I am here! I think I have seen this before. I too. Perhaps I dreamed it? Or wrote it, perhaps? Or wrote it. Then you know what poetry is. Then I know what dreaming is. I feel we stood somewhere else and spoke these words. Then you can soon work out what reality is. Or dreaming. Or poetry. It's this question of the door, of course. What do you think. Dean of Theology? I do not think, I believe. i rationalize - I know - I doubt, until I have proof, with witnessess. Now they're going to quarrel again. Dean of Theology, what is your opinion? I believe that this door should not be opened. It conceals dangerous truths. -Truth is never dangerous. -Truth is never dangerous. That which can be proved by two witnesses. Anything can be proved with two witnesses by a law-twister. Truth is wisdom, and wisdom, which is knowledge, is philosophy. Philosophy is the science of sciences, the knowing of knowledge, and all other sciences are philosophy's servants. The only science is natural science. Philosophy is not a science. -It is merely barren speculation. -Bravo! You say bravo. Your sort have always been the enemies of knowledge. You are the contradiction of science, you are ignorance and darkness Bravo! You say bravo, you, who can't see further than your magnifying glass. You only believe in your treacherous senses, your eyes which may be long-sighted, short-sighted, blind, dim, squinting, one-eyed, colour-blind, red-blind, green-blind -Idiot! -Ass! Quiet! No need for the pot to call the kettle black! If I had to choose between these two. Theology and Medicine, I'd choose - neither of them. And if I had to judge between you three, I'd condemn you all. You can't agree on a single issue, and have never been able to. But to the point. My Lord Chancellor, what is your opinion regarding this door and whether it should be opened? Opinions? I have no opinions. I am merely appointed by the government to see that you don't break each other's arms and legs during your deliberations as how best to educate the young. No, I beware of opinions. I had some once, but they were immediately refuted. Opinions are always immediately refuted - by one's opponent, of course. Perhaps we may open the door now, even at the risk that it may conceal dangerous truths? What is truth? Where is truth? I am the truth and the life I am the knowing of knowledge I am the exact science. I doubt - Teachers of the young, you should be ashamed! My Lord Chancellor, representative of the government, supremo of all teachers, punish this woman's presumption! She told you to be ashamed, which is an insult, and in a sneering and ironic tone she called you the teacher of the young, which is a slander. Alas for the young! She pities the young; that is the same as accusing us. My Lord Chancellor, punish her presumption. Yes, I accuse you, all of you, of sowing doubt and discord in the minds of the young. Listen to her! She arouses doubt of our authority in the minds of the young, and accuses us of sowing it! Is not this a criminal offence? I appeal to all right-minded people. Yes, it is criminal. All right-minded people have condemned you. Go in peace with your winnings. Otherwise My winnings? Otherwise - ? Otherwise what? Otherwise you will be stoned. Or crucified. What does he mean by "my winnings"? Probably nothing. It's what we call talk. He was just talking. But he hurt me deeply by saying it. That's why he said it. Hurrah! The door is opened! What is hidden behind the door? I can't see anything. He can't see anything, no, very likely! Deans! What is hidden behind the door? Nothing! That is the solution of the riddle of existence. Out of nothing in the beginning God created heaven and earth. Nothing will come of nothing. Bosh. That is nothing. A fraud has been committed here. I appeal to all right-thinking persons! I appeal to all right-thinking persons! Yes, answer who can! All right-thinking persons usually means just one person. Today it is I and mine, tomorrow you and yours. One gets nominated, or rather one nominates oneself. We have been betrayed! Who has betrayed you? Indra's daughter! Will you kindly tell us what you meant by opening this door? No, my good friends. If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. But there is nothing there. Exactly. But you don't understand. -She is talking bosh. -Bosh! They are to be pitied. You are serious? Always serious. Even the right-thinkers? They most of all. And the four faculties too? Them too, and not least. Four heads, four senses, one body! Who created that monster? She doesn't answer! Beat her, then. I have answered. Listen, she is answering. Beat her! She's answering! Whether she answers or does not answer - beat her! Come, seer, and far from here I will explain the riddle to you but out in the wilderness, where no one will hear us, no one will see us. For - Have you forgotten your duties? Oh, God, no! But I have higher duties. My child! Alas, I am earthbound. My child. This barb in my breast. This pain - what is it? Don't you know? No. It is the pangs of conscience. Is this the pangs of conscience? Yes. And they come after every neglected duty, every joy, even the most innocent. And there is no cure? Yes, but only one. It is, immediately to perform one's duty - You look like a demon when you say that word "duty". Your child misses you. Can you understand that a human being is suffering for you? Now I feel discord in my soul. I have broken in two. I am tearing apart! That is life's small disharmonies - you see? Ah, how it tears me! If you could guess how I have spread grief and destruction through fulfilling my calling yes, my calling! - which is one's highest duty - would you not be willing to grasp my hand? How do you mean? Your child! These are my children. Each of them is good when alone, but once they meet they fight and become demons. Farewell. The moment is nigh when, consumed with fire, I shall rise again into the ether. That is what you call death and which you approach with fear. Fear of the unknown. Which you know. Who knows it? Have you always doubted? No. I have often felt certain. But after a while, my certainty always departed, like a dream when one awakes. It is not easy to be a mortal. You see it, and admit it? Will you answer me the riddle? Yes, but to what purpose? You will not believe me. I will believe you, for I know who you are. Well, I will tell you. In the morning of time, before the sun shone, Brahma, the divine primal force, allowed Maja, the world mother, to induce him to multiply himself. This contact between the divine element and the earthly element was heaven's sin. Thus it is that the world, life, and mankind are but a phantom, an illusion, a dream vision My dream! A true dream. But to be liberated from the earthly element, Brahma's descendants crave privation and suffering. So, suffering is the liberator. But this need for suffering conflicts with the human desire for pleasure, and with love. Do you yet understand what love, is, wit its sharpest joys inseparable from sharpest suffering, happiest when it is most bitter? I understand. And the end? That you know. The strife between the agony of ecstasy and the ecstasy of agony. Strife, then? Strife between opposites generates power But peace? Rest? Hush! You must ask no more and I may not reply. The altar is already decked for the sacrifice. You say this as calmly as though suffering did not exist for you. Not exist? I have suffered all your torments a hundredfold, for my perceptions were finer - Tell me before you go. What did you suffer from most down here? From - being human. From feeling my sight weakened by eyes, my hearing muffled by ears, and my thought, my light, airy thought, cabined by the windings of a brain. Now at last I shake the dust from my feet the earth, the clay. Perhaps I may burn up my shawl too? And I my roses, which have nothing left but thorns. My posters can go, but my fishing net, never. My diamond, that opened the door. Farewell. The great lawsuit of the Pope's beard or the depletion of the sources of the Ganges. A mite, the black mask which made me a blackamoor against my will. My beauty, my sorrow. My ugliness, my sorrow. Hurry, hurry, life is short! I have read that when life approaches its end, everything and everyone rushes past in a single stream. Is this the end? Yes, it is mine. Goodbye. Say something to us. No, I can't. Do you think your words could express our thoughts? I am rejected by God, I am persecuted by men, rejected by the government and mocked by my fellows. How can I believe, when no one else believes? How shall I defend a God who will not defend His own? It's all bosh! Do you know what this is? A book of martyrs, a calendar with a martyr for every day in the year. Martyr? Yes, one who has been tortured and killed for his beliefs. Tell me why! Do you believe that all who are tortured suffer, that all who are killed feel pain? Suffering is the release, and death the liberator. I'm pasting, I'm pasting, till there's nothing left to paste. And if heaven itself cracked, you would try to paste that together. Go! Have you no double windows in your castle then? No, none there. Our parting is at hand, the end approaches. Farewell, you child of man, you dreamer, You poet who best knowest how to live. Hovering on wings above the earth You plunge occasionally into the mire To shake it from your feet, not to stick fast. Now I am going - In the moment of goodbye, When one must be parted from a friend, a place, How suddenly great the loss of what one loved, Regret for what one shattered. Oh, now I feel the agony of existence! So this is to be mortal. One even misses what one did not value. One even regrets crimes one did not commit. One wants to go, and one wants to stay. The twin halves of the heart are wrenched asunder And one is torn as between raging horses Of contradictions, irresolution, discord. Farewell. Tell your brothers and sisters I shall remember them In the place to which I return, and in your name Shall set their griefs before the throne of God. Farewell! THE WHIP AND THE BODY - Katia, dear. - Please stop torturing yourself like this. It was so long ago, Giorgia. Not for me, Katia. I can't forget. That blade is still red with my daughter's blood. I live only for the unquenchable hatred in my heart. Before I die, I swear I'll see this blade plunged into that man's throat... just as I saw it plunged into Tania's throat, because of him. There's no point in crying. Come now. - My God, it's you, Mr. Kurt! - So the dogs recognize their master. I'm back, Lesa".! He's back. Kurt is back! Giorgia. It's no use. You may stay my hand, but not the hand of fate. Sir! - Forgive me. Kurt is back! - What? He's down in the garden. I saw him. You're wrong, Losat. I'm here. I told you to never come back. Did you come here to try and frighten us? No, Christian. I came back because I heard you took a wife. I'm delighted. Congratulations, Nevenka. Thank you, Kurt. Tell the truth, Kurt. What do you want? I believe I already told you, Brother. I came back to congratulate you on the bride you chose. You must be tired, Kurt. Get out of here! You're not my son. You're a snake. You enjoy making everyone around you suffer. I haven't forgotten, you know. You seduced Tania. Then you abandoned her without pity, driving her to take her own life. This old story again? Father, you promised. He didn't come back to the castle to beg my forgiveness. You're wrong, Father. I came back for that too. No, I don't believe you. We must all fear you. Are you afraid of me, Christian? All that was mine is now yours. Now you are the favorite son. I've never been afraid of you, Kurt. If our father wishes to receive you, it's fine by me. I won't stand in the way. All right, Kurt. Stay, if you wish. Such a warm welcome. It's wonderful watching the dawn of a day being born, watching things being born and then watching them die. - Let go of me! - My dear little cousin. Tell the truth. You still love my brother. - I'm sure you wouldn't refuse him. - You're despicable, Kurt! You always dreamed you'd marry him one day, didn't you, Katia? But instead - You shouldn't hate me, actually. After all, Christian's marriage was a harsh blow for both of us. Is it poisoned? No, you'll come to a different end, Kurt Menliff. You will die by the dagger, just like my daughter. I've been forgiven by the masters of the house. I wouldn't presume to ask for the servants' forgiveness as well. Here are the masters now. I see you've had your tea, Kurt. Yes. I'm not in the habit of waiting. No one asked you to. You did well to remind me of it. You shouldn't treat him like that. - You'll only make things worse. - You think so? You don't know him very well if you think he can get worse. It's me, Father. You never used to be afraid when I came through there to say good night. Don't you remember? You were the one who showed me that passage. What do you want from me? You've forgiven me, but I can't stay here unless my rights are restored: my title and my inheritance. My end draws near. I have no time left to put you to the test again. What was once yours now belongs to your brother. Forever. You gave it to him yourself, with your infamy. - Careful, Father. - Get out! Damn you! Get out! Katia, you have something against me. Isn't that so? You're wrong. I have no feelings at all toward you. Do I frighten you? You used to like me, once. Yes, once. You always enjoyed violence. You haven't changed at all. Help me find her. You two, search the grounds. Where is Nevenka? I have no idea. - And that riding crop? - This one? I found it on the road, not far from the castle. I took a tour of your estate. It will be dark soon. It will be even harder to find her. Katia is right. You should hurry. Let's go. Katia and Christian look good together. I almost had the impression that Katia wasn't overly eager to find Nevenka. She would be happy to regain her place at my brother's side. Don't you think? You're a crazy old woman, Giorgia. I'll light the lanterns. We can have a look around the moats. Kurt. My lady. My lady! Giorgia! Giorgia! I found her! My lady. Thank heavens! Let's take her up to the house immediately. - Help me lift her. - Of course. Come now. She's coming around. I'm sure it was mostly the fright. Her horse must have thrown her. Kurt! Where is Kurt? - Go get him, Losat. - Yes, sir. Losat Losat - How is Nevenka? - She's already much better. She just has some deep marks on her back, as if- as if somebody whipped her, sir. - You may go now. - Yes, sir. Sir? Mr. Kurt? Kurt! Father, come with me. You mustn't look. Let me look at him, Christian. He was fated to end like this. The dagger. Look. Look! I recognize it. There's no doubt. It's Tania's. He died the same way she did. Tania! Tania, my child! May you rest in peace. Finally, my daughter, you have been avenged. Lord, hear our prayer. Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven. Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: My moisture is turned into the drought of summer. I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, "I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord." And thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Amen. May you rest in peace. Now, Kurt Menliff is before the judgment of the Almighty. But, one day, whoever killed him will have to face the same judgment. Let us pray for their souls. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Who is it? It's me, Christian. What do you want? I'd like to speak to you, Father. I'm listening, Christian. I'd like to ask you something about Kurt. That's why I'm here. It's a painful subject, but I must know the truth. What is it? At the time of the murder, we were all outside. You were alone here in the castle, you and Kurt. - No one else was here. - Why, you - How dare you ask me - Father, you know I've always followed your wishes. I've obeyed you without question. Out of obedience, I even married the woman that you had intended for my brother. - But now I must know. - What do you want to know? If he died by your hand, it was an act of justice. Get out. Get out of here! Thank you, Giorgia. What's wrong? Are you unwell? No, I'm afraid. I spoke to Losat. He saw a shadow moving in the chapel, and a light too. Losat's even crazier than you. It undoubtedly must have been the moon's reflection. Yes. Kurt! Nevenka. - What happened? - Outside! It was Kurt! He was watching me! No, Kurt. Kurt. Don't get up, dear. Try and rest. You had a hallucination. I'll stay here tonight. I'll stay next to you, if you wish. Don't be afraid. No, go to bed. I want to be alone. All right, as you wish. I'll leave the door ajar. Call me if you need anything. Kurt. Kurt. Kurt! Nevenka, what happened? What's wrong? You're trembling. Kurt was here! He came inside! His boots were muddy. He looked like he had just climbed out of his tomb! Calm down, dear. It must have been a dream. It was just a nightmare. No, it wasn't a nightmare. He's the one who ripped this! Look! There are his footprints! - What footprints? - There. They were there. Nevenka, it was a dream. Accept it. There's nothing there. You can see for yourself. No, it wasn't a dream. He was here. It wasn't a dream. I saw those footprints. And his hand. My God, his hand was so horrible! It came out of the shadows like a huge spider! Help me, Christian! Help me! Do I frighten you? You used to like me, once. You always enjoyed violence. You haven 't changed at all. You haven 't changed, and you never will. Oh, it's you, my lady. I heard some noises and came down. - I thought - - What did you think? Nothing. The dead can't move around in their tombs. Who knows? Maybe they can, when they don't rest in peace. It's all over now. My life is empty and hopeless. Remember when we went to that mountain lake surrounded by willows? Our boat was so silent. You were still just a child. We were happy, and we didn't know it. - Christian, why did you do that? - Katia, listen. - The future may yet smile upon us. - No. it's too late now. It's too late. No, Katia, don't say that. We can still rebel against our fate. Our sacrifice is absurd. I've always loved you, and you love me too. isn't that true? Isn't that perhaps true? Yes, but I'll never be your mistress. No. Don't touch me. You're mine, mine. You'll always be mine. No, I don't want you. I don't want you. I came back for you. I came back for you, Nevenka, and to take my vengeance upon those who hate me. Let's leave now, Giorgia. What good are tears now? Him too. Just like Kurt. The dagger's disappeared. The count told me it was locked in here. It's Kurt's vengeance. He'll kill us all, because we're all guilty! - All of us! - Enough with this nonsense, Nevenka. Do you want to drive us crazy? At least respect my grief. I will avenge your death, Father. Someone will pay, be he man or ghost. I swear it. Christian? - I wanted to talk to you. - Why? I don't know. I just wanted to be near you so I could comfort you. It's no use. My only comfort now is the thought of revenge. Leave me alone, I beg you. I'll return to the castle soon. It's me, Losat. I didn't mean to frighten you, Katia. I was keeping an eye on Christian. I'm worried about him. Listen. - I've been meaning to ask you something. - What? Remember that night we were all looking for Nevenka? Yes, of course. Did you stay with Count Christian the entire time? Yes, as far as I remember. Why? Are you sure? You never left his side, not even for a moment? No. Why are you asking me, Losat? - You can't believe that Christian - - I don't believe anything. That's absurd. Why the count too? Why? You're the one holding the dagger. You answer the question. You can tell me anything, Katia. I wouldn't presume to judge you. What are you saying? Where did you get that dagger, Giorgia? You know very well. I don't have to tell you. Giorgia, not only did you have a motive for killing Kurt, but you had also sworn to do so. Tell me where you found that dagger. Under your mattress, Katia. No! Christian! - Christian, I know who killed your father. - What? It's true. I could have killed Kurt, and I was also prepared to do it. But not the count. Not the old man. Why would I have done that? If that dagger was hidden there, that means either you or someone else must have put it there. It wasn't me, Katia. Not me. Throw that damned dagger away. It's like a curse on this house! Throw it away, I said! No, not Katia. That's absolutely impossible. You refuse to believe me. Do you think I'm lying? - Answer me. - I don't know. I don't know. I can't believe there is a killer among us. No, it's absurd. And yet, one of us was the killer. But now we know who it was. No, not Katia. You're a coward. You're afraid to face reality. - In your place, Kurt would have - - Kurt, I know. You're always thinking about him, Kurt in my place. That's what you really wanted. That's not true. That's not true! He's the one you wanted to marry. I've always known. If that's why you killed him, it was a useless crime. I hated him. I hated him, understand? I always hated him, and I always will. Always, always! Nevenka! I heard a scream. It sounded like it came from your father's room. She's not here. Let's try her room. The footprints lead toward the garden. Someone's taken her. Go back in the house. Christian, don't go by yourself. Come, Katia. Let's do as he says. Come. Let's keep searching. Losat! What are you doing here? Oh, it's you, sir. - Where did you take Nevenka? - Me? She's disappeared, and in her room there were footprints just like the ones you're leaving! I don't know what to say. I was making my usual nightly rounds of the castle. Suddenly, I thought there was someone in here. - Don't try and trick me! Talk! - No. There's no one in here but you! Sir, certainly you don't intend to - Yes, follow me! The footprints lead from the secret passage. What are you doing, sir? Help me. There. Who could have put her in there? Nevenka, can you hear me? Kurt. How is Nevenka now? She's still delirious. She still says it was Kurt who dragged her off. She also says he whipped her until she bled and then took her to the crypt and locked her in the tomb. We must act, Katia. We have to do something. I heard Kurt's laughter too, but every part of me refuses to believe in ghosts. Yes, it's hard to believe, but we know so little about what happens after death. I'm now convinced that Kurt is alive. What did you say? How can you think that? You saw him with his throat slashed. We watched them put him in his coffin with our own eyes. You can't believe that Nevenka really saw him at that window. No, there's no other possible explanation. Kurt is alive, and he's hiding here in the castle. I must find him, or I'll go crazy. We'll all go crazy. For a moment, I even suspected you. I'll wind up suspecting myself in the end. If what you say is true, he could have hidden the dagger in my room. I'm afraid, Christian. I'm afraid! Christian, someone was here! Calm down, Katia. Where was he? Calm down, please. The footprints again. They're the same. - What are you planning to do? - Open the coffin. Help me! Let's put it up there. Nevenka. They're opening my coffin. This is the last time I'll be with you. No, it's not possible. You love me, Nevenka. You love me. You will come away with me. - Kurt, what are you saying? - You will come with me, Nevenka. Only with me can you be happy. Why do you torture me like this? Because those who hate me must endure the same pains I do and suffer eternally in the desert within their hearts. I can't. I hate you. I hate you! I g He's unrecognizable. - This could be anyone. - But those are his clothes. Please, let's put him back in his tomb for heaven's sake. No. - What are you doing now? - I'm going to destroy him. Where are you, Kurt? I know you're here. I've never been afraid of you. Nevenka! Sir! Sir! What happened? You're wounded. That's not important now. Come with me. Quick! The secret passage is blocked. We'll never get it open. Let's go through the chapel. Why did you want this, Kurt? Why? I didn't want to kill him. I didn't want to. You forced me to love you, but I hate you, Kurt. I will free myself from you. I'll kill you now, and this time it will be forever. No! Nevenka, no! Nevenka! Forgive me. I had to do what Kurt wanted. Now he won't be able... to hurt you anymore. Kurt hated you. He hated all of you. All of you! Christian! So it was her. She killed your brother and your father. Yes. She was obsessed with Kurt. She thought he was alive and she was obeying him. She didn't kill herself. She wanted to kill Kurt and free herself from him forever. THE END - Ok, Venus? - Ok, Steve. Okay, come on. THE DAY THE EARTH ICED STEVE ZODIAC ASTRONAUTA EMERGENCY Get ready. Emergency. Emergency. What's going on, Comandante Zero? We have a ship down patrol by remote control Steve. Remote? The crew is not in control? Está certo, Cel Zodiac. The pilot managed to bring the XL27 close to Earth, but he must have passed out. Retro by remote control, Commander. Sure, Ninety. Keep the nose up. Download the landing gear. Hey ... You're under arrest! Well, it came down. Firefighters are prepared. Put on something, the two, Let's take a look at the XL27 and find out what happened to the crew. Prepared with the flashlight, Steve? All the ship's lights seem to have failed. Yes, Matt. I'll go first. What is this, Steve? Hmm, it seems they were struck by lightning eat. Better call Venus, Matt. They need medical care and fast! Ok, Steve. Call Dr. Venus. Emergency! There are burn marks next to the ship, Steve, I say, a very powerful weapon caused it. Sim, Comandante. A cannon eat ground to air, I suppose. But why? XL 27 CABINE DE CONTROLE. The copilot's cold. The captain also. Wait a minute. He's moving. See. He has something in his hand. Zavia planet. Danger. Okay, let's go back and try to understand it all. See what Venus has to say. Here is the location of Zavia. Sector 29. And XL27 patrolling this sector. I think they noticed something strange and were checking. But Zavia is a completely uninhabited planet. What XL27 found there? They certainly have not found a coma cannon. Everything is possible in this crazy universe, Steve. How can you know if you did not check? That sounds like orders from, Colonel. I'll have to prepare the Fireball XL5 for takeoff. Thank you Lieutenant. Thread ... It is a crazy way there. The excavators are going well, Cardray. Soon the underground base is ready. Sim Lines. You can begin to dismantle the cannon Eat. We will not need it to protect our work. No. No one can see it while covered in ice and snow. At propósito ... I did not give her congratulations for the good aim with the cannon Eat, when that ship hit the Space Patrol. Yes, yes, it was a good shot, right? I hope that that ship is floating in space, lost forever. What are you doing Venus taking so long with the medical report? Oh, it's coming now, Commander. - What new, Venus? - It was the radius Eat right, Steve. - They've awakened Venus? - No, Commander Zero. I think they will be in a coma for a month. Well, we can not wait a month. You will have to go without information, Steve. Okay, Commander. We are on the way. Fireball XL5, ok takeoff, Commander. Understood, Lieutenant. Now I'm going to bed ... Boy, that night was this. Father, I will! Levante, father. What time is it? Six in the morning? See if you let me get some sleep, okay? But father! It's snowing outside. I do not care if it is raining platypus Mars. Nevando? I do not believe. Just do not believe it. It seems some kind of dream. That's what it is. I'm dreaming! Retro shoot, Matt. Soon to disconnect or cone. Certo, Steve. Robert está na cabine central. Keep orbit the planet Zavia, Robert. Keep going. Well, what do you think, Matt? It looks pretty quiet. Nothing in sight. As the XL 27 packed problems here? I do not know, Steve. But surely something happened. We have to dive straight in this mystery. Oh, my head. Venus? Matt? Are you okay? Well, I feel a little dizzy, Steve. But what happened? It seems we chose a crack in the ice to stop. Our weight broke the ice bridge and bingo. We fall into an underground cavern. Hey Matt, Venus, listen. That sounds ... running water. And look Steve, steam. I think I feel heat. This is very strange. Hot water vapor in a frozen planet? Let's go ahead and find out where is going. Straight ahead, Steve. There is a bend in the tunnel. Be careful. You never know what awaits us. Steve, it seems an ice-covered door. We will try to unfreeze it. This can be very interesting. Well, there is a reception committee waiting for us, Venus. We will leave our jetmóveis here. Come on. Esse place looks ter been cut by machines. For what purpose? There is another door forward. There is ... This should open by lightning. Well, I hope you are not watching us with plutonic eyes. Well, soon we will know. Matt... is some kind of nuclear reactor. Yes, Steve. That's where comes the hot water. But what it does, it generates power or what? That's what I intend to find out. I can help you do this, Earthman. Why do you and your colleagues do not come with me, please? Now we leave the most comfortable, I want to know who they are and what they do here. The name is Steve Zodiac, Colonel Zodiac. What are we doing here, I do you the same question. I think we are responsible for what happened to the XL27. You're right, Steve Zodiac. It was our powerful cannon Eat that did the damage. Coronel was lucky that the cannon was disassembled before his arrival. We do not believe that the ship could return to Earth. Before we get rid of Colonel. Zodiac and his companions, I would like to see what we do here, Cardray. Ah, sim. We have deflected the sun's rays. The land is freezing. Why, their crazy demons? Will all die. It's getting colder, Lieutenant. The Jack doing about heating? It is a losing battle, Commander. No one can stop this freezing. It is as if the sun's rays do not come more down to earth. You will not get anything out of it. -You Can not deflect the rays forever. You do not need. A month is more than enough time to destroy all life na Terra. Why? Why? I went to your planet Earth, three years ago with some of my people from Jeddum planet. Oh, sim. Sim, eu me lembro. The Jeddum delegation. They tried to create problems between the Earth leaders. But their plans failed, was not Cardray? You thought it would take the Earth as we were fighting against each other. I must admit I underestimated his peace drive, Earthman. Have you seen my banishment and my people forever from the earth. But now we will have our revenge. Lines. Put them on ice cell. Yes, immediately Cardray. I know his reputation, Zodiac. Do not try to escape. - You'll regret it. - What does it mean? I do not know, Venus. He is right. Just get out of here through the door or through that tunnel. So we have a choice. We stayed here and let the earth be destroyed or we risk the tunnel. What will it be? - Venus? - Come on, Steve, let's try. I do not like it. The snow under our feet does not seem very safe. Help! Help! I'm falling! Steve! Where are you? Well ... I think I know what he meant about repent. Steve, Matt, look. I think this camera is used to collect the boiling water reactor. So it would seem. One type of cooling system. I hate to say this, but this place will be full of boiling water. And when the ice melts, it will fall. Matt, help me up. I think I can reach that opening. The water is coming faster now. Can you ... Can you achieve, Steve? I do not know. I could only hold me a little. No, no, it's no use. There's no way. Then we are finished. Nothing ... Nothing can stop this water. Hey Matt, give me your belt. - Why? - Do not ask. Just give me. But what will you do? In that Professor belt can help? - Here Steve. - Now look. And keep your fingers crossed. I got it. You are creating steps on the ice. Well, I ... I can not see anything. My glasses are fogged. Steve ... Streve, you need to hurry. The water is rising and it's getting warmer. I'm almost there. I need to get ... Otherwise we will boil and freeze. Almost there. Just ... Just a few minutes. Steve fast, fast. Ok, ok. I think I can ... get there. Quick, follow me. I can hear the walls cracking. Grab the hand of Steve when reaching, Venus. Ok, Professor. You better run too, Matt. The water is coming faster now. Just a few steps, Matt. Be fast. The walls are collapsing. Okay, Steve. I'm almost at the top. I think. But I can not see anything with these ... My glasses! After all, I can now see what I'm doing. Well, now, Steve? Let's go back to our jetmóveis. So let's take care of Cardray and his little scheme. Let's hope it's not too late to save the Earth. Lieutenant. I-I think it's the end. Sim, C-comandante. It was cool ... c-know you. You ... gave scolding sometimes The fact is ... Mr. is a bear with sometimes headache. But it was fun working with you. Sim, sim ... You know, my bark is stronger than my bite. It was nice having you around. Takeoff Okay, Matt. Prepare the missile. Entendido, Steve. Prepare to fire the missile, Matt. Ok, Matt, Venus, go home to see what damage the freezing caused. If we destroy the deflector in time, everything will be normal when we get to Earth. Well, I hope you're right, Matt. As it was here while we were away, Sr? Pay attention, Zodiac. I that I speak. Why did not the report? While you're hunting rainbow in space, we were freezing to death! - But Commander, we er ... - Save yourself, Matt. He will not believe you, the way it is now. Commander, you need a vacation. Yes, I was told that Switzerland is great. All that ice and snow and the skis ... Get out. Leave me alone! I do not know why I put clowns in XL5. - Get out! - Okay, Commander, we go. But think of the trip to Switzerland. Biting cold, ice, snow ... Out! Get out of here! Translation - Neverlost There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image... Make it flutter. Make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur... Or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat, there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... Which reaches from the inner mind to... Kxkvi is located on highway 601 just 6 Miles South of cotterfield, where the supermarkets meet the people. Serving all of Los feliz county, in sunny Southern Cal. Kxkvi is brought to you good people at 1820, 1-8-2-0 on your radio dial. Keep listening now for your top 10 tunes brought to you by your boy buddy. Number6,come rock with me, an up-and-swinging vocal offering by the high lifers. By the high lifers. The shoe store spots, Barney's drive-in, and the news and weather is on top. Carol, get Alan. Tell him to come in here quick. What's wrong? Look at that dial. That needle has just dropped about 10 points. That needle has just dropped about 10 points. What is it? The power output. We're broadcasting on just about half. Go on, babe. Go get him. I can't. I can't. What do you mean you can't? He knows about it. How could he know about it? It just happened. He's in the transmitter shed. Are you telling me he cut down the power? On purpose? Are you telling me he cut down the power? On purpose? But, Carol, that's against the law. These people pay us to cover an area of 200 Miles. We guarantee them over a million audience. All right, he's stealing power. All right, he's stealing power. "Stealing power"? Well, he's been doing it for weeks. He steals equipment, too-- transistors, condensers-- we've got bills up to here. We can't let him shut down, let everything go to pot. Go tell him, Carol, tell him that if he doesn't boost us back on the air, we're--we're gonna have our contracts ripped up by the sponsors. By the sponsors. He won't open the door. Phone him. Phone him. Come over here right away. I want you to see something. Said for me to come over. He's probably picked up a program from telstar. Well, I'll go humor him. You watch. Before he knows it, he's gonna be cleaned up, dressed up, and ready to go... Or I'll kill him. This is gene "buddy" Maxwell bringing you your Saturday dance parade. Your Saturday dance parade. Come in! Come in! Close the door, please. Close the door, please. Carol, look. Carol, look. What is it? What is it? Well, I thought it was hydrogen static, but it's... Static? Listen. Static? Listen. I'm sure that's hydrogen and radio waves coming in at 21 centimeters. Except for that high-pitched tone, I don't know what that is. It puts my teeth on edge. It puts my teeth on edge. I fed it through the TV monitor, tried to get a visual analysis. What good is it? Well, it's coming from out there. Well, it's coming from out there. Out where? Space. Space. Just space? Yeah. Haven't been able to pinpoint it yet. It's taken a lot of power just to get this much. Yeah, you cut the station down about half. Well, I can't help that. Well, you know we can lose our sponsors. This is more important. This is more important. More important than drive-in commercials? More important than paying the bills? More important than paying the bills? The bills will be paid. Carol... Carol... I want you to see what I've done. Allan, do you even care anything about your own family? Sure. Look, see, that's a 3-dimensional TV scanner it's the same as a conventional television except it shows the image height, width, depth, and it shows the sound you just heard in 3 dimensions. See, by scanning it 3 ways, I'm able to give it solidity. Solid static. It's formed out of microwaves. Allan, I know that it-- it makes you angry when I ask you questions like this, but what good is it? But what good is it? Well, it's interesting. Well, it's interesting. You have spent thousands of dollars on-- on transistors, and--and circuits, and cathode ray-- and cathode ray-- you're just bleeding electricity out of that transmitter until there is nothing left of kxkvi, but--but--but just a feeble beep, and all you can say is "it's interesting"? And all you can say is "it's interesting"? Carol, it's more than interesting. It's important. Do you realize that every important change in the world for the last 30 years has come out of research in microwaves? Radar, television, even the h-bomb. But what makes you think that you can discover anything? Who are you? Nobody. Nobody at all. But the secrets of the universe don't mind. They reveal themselves to nobodies who care. Isaac Newton was a nobody. Michael Faraday was a bookbinder's apprentice. Yes, but now--now they have big laboratories that--that work on all those things. The big laboratories spend millions of dollars, Carol, and they work slowly and surely, and they get results, but not the big steps. Not the breakthroughs-- those come from the human mind, not from the laboratory. Call 'em inspiration, call 'em intuition, maybe blind luck, maybe it's God saying, "now's the time." Maybe it's God saying, "now's the time." Well, I'm sorry, Allan, but I don't like it... Because every day it takes you away from me more and more, until I hardly know you. More and more, until I hardly know you. You have friends who love you, want to honor you. Want to honor you. We want to see you and be with you. We want to see you and be with you. Well, I don't have time for that sort of thing now. Well, I don't have time for that sort of thing now. You don't have time for, uh, friends and... An everyday life, but you have all the time in the world for a... A cloud of static? For a... A cloud of static? Well, I'm sorry, Allan. Don't ask me to appreciate it, because I can't. It's cold. It--it sounds like sleet and snow and it--and it looks like electricity frozen. I just... I--I--I don't like it. I'm sorry. I--I--I don't like it. I'm sorry. Do you, uh... Do you happen to remember that half the town is turning out to honor you tonight? To honor you tonight? Tonight? Yes, it's uh... It's a testimonial dinner. And they have a scroll and a plaque. And you can't disappoint them. No, I-I-I'll try not to let them down. Allan, you've known about it for months, and you can't hurt people. You just can't. No, I--I don't--I don't want to hurt people. All right, does that mean then that you'll get dressed and you'll be ready on time? And you'll be ready on time? Uh, yeah. Yeah, yes. Thank you. Very much. Thank you. Very much. Who are you? Who are you? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you see me? Where are you? Where are you? Solar system. Solar system. Sun. Mercury. Venus. Earth. I am transmitting from earth. Where are you transmitting from? Where are you transmitting from? Outside the solar system? Outside the solar system? My antenna is centered on the edge of the constellation Pegasus. Are you beyond? Do you understand? How can I communicate with you? Words? How can I communicate with you? Words? Mathematics? Mathematics? Can you translate your binary pulses into my computer? Into my computer? Try to form... Your thoughts... Into word patterns using binary system. Into word patterns using binary system. My computer... Can translate your pulses... Into... My language. Into... My language. Who... Are you? Are you? My name... Is Allan Maxwell. I am transmitting from a station... On the third planet in the solar system. Earth. Are... You... Receiving... Dimensional... Image? I am scanning the microwaves coming from somewhere beyond the constellation of Pegasus. Hold chart. Hold image... Universe. Hold image... Universe. Point. Point. Move point due east. Third quadrant. Move point due east. Third quadrant. Move north. Move north. Stop. That is transmission point. The great spiral Andromeda? Yes. Transmission northwest quadrant. Star system with 3-1 satellites. Solar system? 3-1 satellites. 31 planets? Yes. 3-1 planets. Do you see me? Very dim. You are in... Room. Electronic room. Do not increase your power. Galaxy forbids contact of planets beyond central system. We're both breaking the rules. I'm not allowed to use the station for research. I am not allowed to use equipment for exploration. Do you have a name? Numbers not same as your 4-dimension numbers. What is below eyes? "Below eyes"? Holes... In face. Nose. Mouth. Why? Smell. Eat. Speak. Smell? Eat? To talk? Explain. Molecules flow through air to olfactory lobes. Eat? Carbon cycle. Plants, animals, h2o. Talk? Communication. Is that why mouth-hole moving? You hear me, don't you? Yes. Do you have life? Not the same. You are carbon cycle. We are nitrogen cycle. We are nitrogen cycle. Where you are, do you have death? Repeat. We have end of being. We stop moving... Stop breathing. No thoughts. Nothing. We call it death. Death is property of carbon cycle in 3-dimension. No death in our dimension. Electromagnetic waves go on to infinity. Electromagnetic waves go on to infinity. Do my brain waves go on? Yes. What about wars? Do you have wars? Repeat. Battles. Atom bombs. Radiation fallout. Forbidden. Reason we are not allowed to contact you. You are danger to other galaxies. What about God? What about God? Do you have a God? Explain. An all-powerful being-- a force, underlying everything. Electromagnetic forces underlying all. No, I mean, an intelligent force. God. Electromagnetic force, intelligence. Matter, space, time-- all the same. Matter, space, time-- all the same. All the same? Different names. Infinity. Infinity is God. God infinity. All the same. All the same. All the same. You look great, Carol. Thank you, sir. Your voice sounds in good working order. Yeah, I use lemon and honey. Say, I, uh, I brought some albums. I wonder if you'd check 'em over for clearance? Uh, no, take 'em to gene. He's waiting for you inside. Oh, ok. I'll see you later. Oh, ok. I'll see you later. Allan? Allan? What? Are you ready to go? No. I can't. What do you mean, you can't? I can't, Carol. Something has happened. I've got to write out a report. But you promised. I-I'm all dressed up. Gene's waiting-- we even hired a relief announcer to take gene's place. It doesn't matter, Carol. Something tremendous has happened. I've made a discovery. Well, I don't want to hear about it. Well, come in and see. No, I don't want to see. I just-- I just want my husband, and I want him here. Now. In this world tonight. We can't keep the mayor and his wife waiting any longer. I don't care what you've discovered, Allan. One evening, one hour is not going to make any difference. It might make all the difference in the world. I'm not going to, um, ask you to choose between me and, uh, whatever that is, because I would probably lose. So I'm going to force you to accept the honor that's due an outstanding member of the community. I'm going to tell everyone that you invited them here. Here? If you won't come to your own party, then I'll bring the party here. No, you can't, Carol. They--they--they wouldn't understand. Oh, can't I? I think they'd just love to see your workshop and your experiments. We can--we can jam 50 people in there without breaking too much equipment. Without breaking too much equipment. All right. All right. I'll be there. I mean it, Allan, if you don't follow us in that station wagon, I'm gonna bring everybody right back here, and the mayor can give you your plaque while you work. And the mayor can give you your plaque while you work. All right. I'll be there. All right. I'll be there. Oh, uh... This needle might give you a little trouble. It kind of cuts down on power once in a while. What do I do? Just leave it alone. Ok. Uh, you want to bring me on after this record? Yeah. Yeah. Give me a voice level. Yeah. Yeah. Give me a voice level. 1, 2, 3. This is Eddie Phillips, the voice of Los feliz, subbing for gene "buddy" Maxwell. Fine. Fine. Here he comes-- the slim one, Eddie Phillips. Great to have you on board, Eddie boy. Pleasure to be here, gene "buddy" Maxwell. Eddie Phillips will substitute for the next 3 hours to bring you the best in music from kxkvi, your dancing station, covering Los feliz and cotterfield. This is gene "buddy" Maxwell signing off for now. Please stay tuned for Eddie Phillips' record revue. Edward, you've got it. Many thanks, gene, and my congratulations to your brother Allan on his testimonial shindig tonight. He's made kxkvi the beacon of the southwest and all of you in the Maxwell family deserve a big round of applause. We start off this evening's celebration with a musical salute to the maxwells. Brother Allan, the electronic wizard, and brother gene "buddy" Maxwell, your favorite d.J. In the desert area. Here we are with the deuces and treys singingbig time daddy. Are you ready? Is he coming? Yes, or else. He's gonna follow us in the station wagon. Fine. Fine. Nice and easy. Same to you. Same to you. I have to go. To cotterfield center. If I don't, other people will come in. End of transmission. No. Keep the channel open. Danger. I will keep the selectors locked. If your signal drifts, it will keep them centered. It will keep them centered. I'll be back in one hour. Hour? Passage of time it takes earth to revolve 1/24 of its circumference. Do not change power level. Don't worry. Your selectors are locked. Your channel is centered. Keep transmitting. I'll return in one hour. Wait for me. Wait for me. Thank you, deuces and treys. Coming up now, an all-time favorite selected for you by yours truly, Eddie Phillips, the voice of Los feliz. I'm Eddie Phillips. What do you say, Allan? Hello, Eddie. Did Carol go on? Uh, yeah. Gene drove her on in. You're supposed to take the station wagon. Yeah. Eddie, this is the power transmitter control. This is the output monitor. Yeah, that's a pretty weak signal you're putting out. Oh, yeah, well, I, uh, I, uh, blew some fuses. Uh, knocked out half the breakers. I doubt if you're carrying over 30 Miles. Yeah, well, that's exactly where I want it. No more, no less. Now, Eddie, if that needle creeps to either side, just keep it centered right where it is. Hang on, now, I'm not an engineer. No, I don't expect any trouble, but if it does move, just-- just keep it right-- right there where it is. Just keep it right-- right there where it is. Uh, does, um, that knob boost the power? Yeah. How much of a load will it take? How much of a load will it take? We're tied into the substation-- high-tension substation-- plus generators. Uh, I mean, how far can you carry with a full load in case you ever had to pour it on? With a full-power broadcast, they'd hear you in Canada, shf, anywhere in the world. Oh, no wonder you blew the fuses. Look, um, Eddie, don't even touch it unless you have to. I'll be back in about an hour. Ok. Ok. Uh, when they're toasting you, have one on me. Yeah. Yeah. On behalf of the young people and citizens, to you, Allan Maxwell. To you, Allan Maxwell. Look, Carol, I've got my plaque. The mayor's happy. The party's fine. Nobody's gonna notice if I take off. I'll notice. Well, you'll be the only one. I've been here almost an hour, and nobody's even said hello. You've been in cold storage so long, nobody knows who you are. I could come back and pick you up after midnight. If you leave me, I'll leave you. Let's get a breath of air. Let's get a breath of air. If we have to toast Allan one more time, they'll carry me out. Hello there. Oh, thank you very much. Good to see ya. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, I feel pretty special sneaking away with the brother of a guest of honor. Well, you are special, baby. Cool night air, cool music, and the cool lips of gene "buddy" Maxwell on your fevered brow. On your fevered brow. Look, honey, I'm talking as loud as I can. They got the power trimmed down. Trying to save a buck-- on my time. You know it. Before I'm through, the whole country's gonna know it. This is Eddie Phillips booming out at ya from here to Canada and east to the Mississippi. Keep your set tuned on. Listen to how it soups up. Yeah, I'll call you back on the next record. Yeah, I'll call you back on the next record. You are listening to the big, big new sound on kxkvi. This is Eddie Phillips, the voice of Los feliz, welcoming all you new listeners from here to Canada and east... From here to Canada and east... What's he doing with that? He's fooling around with the transmitter. I'd better tell Allan. I'd better tell Allan. Hey, Allan, something's going on down at the station. The car radio started to blast, and then it turned to solid static. Solid static? Yeah. Yeah. When did it start? Couple of minutes ago. Yeah, it's way overreach. He said something about welcoming new listeners in Canada. I told him not to turn up the power. Where are you going? To make a telephone call. To make a telephone call. It's busy. He's probably taking record requests. No, I don't-- I don't think so. Hey, you want to drive up? What? No, uh, the phone's quicker. I, uh, need to get to him and tell him to cut down on that power. Is there any danger? Uh, all kinds. Uh, all kinds. Check the operator. See if it's out of order. Check the operator. See if it's out of order. No, I'll, uh, I'll call Collins over at the warehouse, ask him to run a message over. Ask him to run a message over. No answer? No, it's dead. No, it's dead. It's dead. It's dead. You're going out to the station? It doesn't sound like 1820, does it? Frequency cycle. At least the static's quieted down. I'm going out there. I'm going out there. Tell Carol. Tell Carol. What happened? What happened? Babe, come on. He just probably took a walk. He'll be back in a few minutes. I don't care why he went. Please, just leave me alone. Come on. Come on. Carol, are you all right? No, I am not. Listen, Carol, I don't want you to get excited, but something has happened. Dont't get excited. The main thing is to be calm and come with me. Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Let's get out of here! Let's get out of here! Don't touch us! Radiation! Don't touch us! Radiation! Don't! You'll burn us! Follow me back to the transmitter. Follow me back to the transmitter. It looked like a man, but it wasn't. Read him the highway report. "It glowed and flickered like a person made out of blue light." That's right. It captured your brother and his wife. Yeah. When I heard the screaming, I ran inside. They, uh, they came by me. I--I tried to stop it. Oh! They found the car smashed up in a ditch on 601. The hood was crushed, the wheels broken, the paint burned off the front end, and no survivors. Put in a call to the state headquarters. Request assistance outside the county police. Yes, sir. Did your brother say anything else? Yeah. He said, "kxkvi." Those are the call letters of our station. Let's go. Let's go. It's all right. It'll be all right. It's all right. It'll be all right. Back. Listen, it's all right. Listen, I know it looks different than us, but he's got a mind similar to us. Please let me go. He didn't want to come here, and he made contact out of curiosity. Don't you understand? We brought it here. I've got to get it back! Now be quiet, or we'll all get killed! Now be quiet, or we'll all get killed! What happened? Waited for you. Power came on full. Microwave transmission caught me. No way to stop. No way to get out. Transmission of atomic structure. Transmission of matter. Can you get back? Too late. They know I have broken laws. They must destroy me. What did you want to say? I'd just like you to know that I have no need to steal. I'm independently wealthy. I've all the money I need for the rest of my life provided I die by one am tomorrow morning... We'll try and arrange it. Well, that's all right then. Jack's an idiot. He's your nephew. Only on my Father's side. That's my cook. How dare she! Give your evidence. Shan't! Shan't? Shan't... shan't! What now? Your worship must cross-examine the witness. - Oh must I? - Be a man, Cedric. Be a man! Oh, very well. What are the tarts made of? Ere what about repeating the question, kind sir? I recognize your accent... Girton College? No, I went to Oxford, Misses. You poor devil, and what did you study? Ow to speak like this! The witness will answer the question. What are the tarts made of? Pepper, mostly. Treacle. What did he say? Treacle! That's Mr Dormouse! He's no right to be here. Off with his whiskers! Call the next witness! Call Alice! I'm sorry. What's the matter Alice? I don't like being called up here like this. I should like it, if it happened to me. Yes, most people like being the centre of attention. Now, what do you know about this business with the tarts? Nothing whatsoever! That's very important. Unimportant, Your Majesty. Unimportant, of course, is what I mean to say... Unimportant. Unimportant. Important. Unimportant. I've told you all I know. I'd like to go back to my seat now. We're moved by your plea, but I am reminded of Rule Forty-Two: All persons more than a mile high have to leave Wonderland. I'm not a mile high. You are. More like two miles high! You just invented that rule. It's the oldest rule in the book. Then it should be Rule Number One! Careful Cedric, they're taking over the Court, especially that girl. Punish somebody. You've too much to say for yourself Alice. Jury consider your verdict. No! Sentence first, verdict after. That's stupid! Have a care, Alice! I can't let you condemn an innocent man. Why not? It happens all the time. Off with her... Don't keep shouting "Off with her head" in case someone shouts "Off with yours". You've lost your last chance of staying here. It's back to the real world for you, young lady! I don't care! All the tarts are here so how could the prisoner have stolen them? ! There is no crime! Alice! Don't you care what people think? Not when I'm right. Are you so confident, young lady? Yes I am. Yes I am confident! Then you don't need us anymore. Alice! Alice! I'm coming I'm here, I'm here. I'm back! Sorry, I'm late! We were getting worried. And now, our daughter, Alice, is going to sing for us. It's "Cherry Ripe" isn't it, dear? No. I've got a better one. "Will You Walk A Little Faster Said A Whiting To A Snail". Are you sure, dear? Yes, I'm sure. "Will you walk a little faster?" Said a whiting to a snail, There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail, See how eagerly the lobster and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle. Will you come and join the dance? Will you won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance? Well done! Enchanting! ## D'oh! Hey, hey. Settle down, children. Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works? - No one? - I did until we came here last year. Ah, yes, last year. Anyway, look. Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill. Howdy, partners. Welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? - Bart.! - Be with you in a minute. This is the lobby where customers come... for all their "postalistic" needs. "Legends of comedy," my tuchus.! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done? This machine reads zip codes. These five digits tell us where to direct your mail. But it's nine digits now. What's the point of these other four numbers? Those are citizen relocation codes. With any luck, we'll never need 'em. - She's onto us. Should I flood the chamber? - Not yet. Let's get some lunch. Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill? You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman... shooting up the place went out with the Macarena. Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school. And this is where our employees gather to unwind... after a hard day of serving the public. Bingo! Birthday card! - Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding! I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit... you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. I'll take you. I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa. A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? - Happy birthday, Dad. - Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! - Doughy's has terrible pizza. - Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis. Oh, Marge. That's just a trick to get you in there, so they can cure your foot pain. I guess. See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic. - Um, Dad? - ## ## Now, this wheel balancing is free, right? Oh, you betcha. Absolutely. Uh, oh, oh, wait a minute. These tires won't take a balance. - They won't? - Nah, no. You hear that clunk? - No. - That tells me you need four new tires. - Really? - Yeah. Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here. Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time? Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out- What's going on over here? You gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires? - No, boss, I swear. - That's it. You're fired! No, wait. This is all my fault. Oh, if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires. ## Ooh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance... and now it's costing you 500 simoleons. - Six with the tip. - Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube. Stem lube. Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming. Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers. - Wally Kogen. - Hey, I know you. We were in the same pyramid scheme. Oh, don't remind me. Friends helping friends, my ass! Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting? Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us. The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. - I mean, when you think about it. - Football's so great. But now the two conference champs must survive... a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys. Bye weeks! Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing. Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl. You going this year? Me? Nah. Unless there's a coupon for it. Nah. Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency. We've got a charter bus going down to the game. You help us fill it, you can ride for free. Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! - Me? - Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry. It's a deal. Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it. The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos. Yeah, I hear that President Clinton... is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary. Come on, Lenny. I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus. - What do you say? - Nah. - Come on! - Nah. - Come on! - Nah. - Oh, come on! - Ah- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino. I'm so happy you're going to the big game. My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet. Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work? Wow. You've signed up quite a few people, Dad- the Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky-voiced Teen. I gotta hand it to you, Homer. It's really a good group. Yeah, not a dame in sight. Oh, thank God. Now we can stop holding it in. All aboard for Miami. I don't know if I can last that long. Super Bowl, please, and step on it. Hey, wait up! Aw, crap. It's that pip-squeak Rudy. - What is it, Rudy? - Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness. ## Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply. So, let's all enjoy it in moderation. - Boo.! - Hey, don't make me come back there. Seriously now, if you have any questions... just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson. ## Or me. Better ask me. It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together. - Yeah, I'm bored too. - Mm-hmm. Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us. Hmm. Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? - It's so rigid and uncreative. - Okay. - Oh, leather craft. - Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? "Vincent Price's Egg Magic." Wow. What are we waiting for? Now look what you've done. All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze. Last call. Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse. Pro Player Stadium. Super Bowl. Hey, all right! I'm sorry. - The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. - What bathroom? Uh, okay, fellas. Enjoy the pregame fun. I don't wanna be a Panicky Pete... but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet. No problem. The N.F.L.'s got you covered. And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home. Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that? Amen! Cool! The N.F.L.'s oldest surviving player. I'm 53 years young. Whoo! Hey, Troy Aikman! So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies. Great spiral, Daniel! Man, that hurts. Excuse me. Coming through. Friends of Dan Marino. Okay, Dan, fire away! I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan. - Go long, son. - Yes, sir. I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. D'oh! My spine. Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional. Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on. Right. Hmm. Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any. But it clearly says "feet included. " They have to be here. No. Nothing. I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product. - Now what do we do? - Let's call the company. Mom, this was made in 1 967. They're probably out of business. Well, we'll just see. Murray Hill 5-923 2. Hello. This is Vincent Price. It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead. You should know the grave could never tame me. Oh, Mr. Price. I loved you in The Abominable Doc- If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address... and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson Jody. And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt. But I'll be back. So, is he alive or not? 7 42 Evergreen Terrace. Springfield- "Oh, hiya," Maude. Come on in. Who needs tickets? Tickets, right here. How 'bout you, slick? Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl. Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning. Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck. Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite. Wally and I have all the tickets we need. Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit. - What? - Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing... and there's no such team as the Spungos... and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets! Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen. Yes, if by "crestfallen" you mean "kill us". Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over. My friends- - They don't have the tickets! - Kill 'em! My friends - Ow! All right, I'll get you into the game! Excuse me, uh, Mr. Scalper, sir. Have I told you that I love you? Forget it. You'll just hurt me like all the others. Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat. Reverend Lovejoy was working the body. Wait. Dad, look! Hello. Gentlemen, I have an idea. Run! - Get back here! - We can still make the kickoff. Here comes the kick. - Ow! - Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan- ## The Catholic Church- we've made a few changes: These Super Bowl commercials are weird. Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami. I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator. And now the fans are screaming for more. - Let us out of here! - Relax, Simpson. Relax. A little-known fact about jail cells... is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies. Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake. That's painful. Ah, nuts. That sounds like a touchdown. No, no, no. I know my roars. And that was most definitely a safety. Oh, man! Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when... even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you... well, I just feel pretty doggone bad. If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me. - You got my vote. - We're never gonna get out of- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? - Me? I'm Dolly Parton. - I didn't ask for your life story. Just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. - Dolly, wait! - Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. - That's in Alabama. - Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? - Ask her if she'll go out with me. - We had a little ticket snafu. Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey? Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover. Shield your eyes. - Thanks, Miss Parton. - Way to go, Dolly. - Thanks, babe. - Will you go out with me? Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football! ## Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour. Where the hell's the game? You guys are following me? I was following Flanders. Hey, look what I found. Whoa! Hey! - Hey, somebody just scored. - Coming in a minute. Hey, it's the beer copter! - What the bloody hell? - Hit the road, gramps. This is a private skybox. I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. - ## - Hi, Rupert! - Uh-oh. - Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks- Silence! Seize them! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! The game! We're so close. Follow me, boys. We're finally going to the Super- - We did it! We're number one! - We're rich! - How does it feel? - Did you ever stop believing? Does this suit make me look fat? Players and V.I.P.s only. I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room. Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland! Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things. Let go! Y'ello? - Hello. This is President Clinton. - Hey, how you doing? Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. - The whole country is proud of you. - Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it. Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now? What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today. Dad, that doesn't belong to you. But this might be my last chance to win one. We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't. 'Cause you can really "go places" in the travel business. - Huh? Feel free to use that one. - What one? Well,John, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it. The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup... was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off. Marge and Lisa painting eggs- did that work for you? Oh, big-time! They came off the bench with a huge effort... that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains. Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton... we didn't see any football or singing? I hadn't thought about it, Pat. But in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off. What a way to treat the loyal fans... who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise. - Any final thoughts? - Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck out of here. All aboard, boys. I've been waiting for you. Now, I'll tell you- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know. Just get on the bus. Where's that infernal clutch? - Wait, wait. I'll get it. - Give it some gas, Grandpa. Oh, quiet,Jody. You're not helping. ## ## Silence.! The penthouse suite, as you requested. Finest view in the city. Will you need anything else, sir? Privacy. Yes, sir. You were right. They're into recycling big time. There's only one hitch. Those cars are stolen. I guess that's my cue. What? Aah! Slag him! Oof! Bruce: Oh, and, Terry, there was one other thing. Yeah? Your mother called. She wants you to pick up some milk on the way home. Milk? Unh! That's gonna have to wait. Mother: Terry? Ter? Huh, what? Did you get the milk last night? Jeez, I forgot. Sorry, mom, I was totally slagged. Ter, I know you've been working hard for Mr. Wayne, and I'm really proud of you, but I need your help, too. Keeping this house running isn't easy, and... especially when you're studying for that dumb exam. Look, I need to pass that certification to get a promotion at work. It's hard, but I just can't do everything alone. I know. I'm sorry. I'll pitch in more. I promise. Maid: Housekeeping. Go away! Aah! Remember, I promised my mom I'd be home early tonight so she can study for her test. Bruce: First things first. I just picked up a break-in at the casemore tribal arts gallery. I'm on it. Sloppy. Whoever did this must've wanted company. You should see this place. Antiques, relics... you'd feel right at home. Cute. Whoa. The natives are restless. Come on out! Is that all the fight you have in you? Ready to call it quits? Unh! Never! Hyah! Auggh! Terry, are you all right? Ohh. Yeah... But our mystery guest's gone. Who was that guy? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Late again. Mom, Matt! Sorry, I got hung up. Terry, you knew I was counting on you. Someone's gonna get it. Zip the lip, twip. Look, I've gotta run. You boys are on your own for dinner. Stay out of trouble. Don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Hey. So where do you wanna eat? How about cheezy Dan's? Again? Yeah, it's the greatest. They've got pizza and games and all kinds of cool stuff. Whatever. Terry. Hey, Max, what are you doing here? Playing fragatron 3000. The games here kick. See? I told you. Who's the twip? My brother Matt. Max is in my genetics class. Cool, they have death ray buckaroos! Later. Oh, no. This is not good. Come on, Matt. Hey, I'm not done yet. Max, I just got a call from my boss. Can you keep an eye on the twip till I get back? No sweat. Help yourself, kid. Thanks. We've got trouble. What is it? You know that freak from the art gallery? He's following me. Try and lose him. I'll see what I can come up with. Your money or a pie! Some other time. Hunh! That's not funny, man. Police: Freeze right there. What's your hurry, dreg? You gotta help, officer. This nut with a spear's after me. A spear, huh? That's a new one. Can you describe him? 6'4", half-naked, tattoos all over his body. You can't miss him. Uh-huh. May I see your I.D.? I'm not scamming. Check it out! Wait here. Nothing. Williams? Raahrr! Oof! I don't think I shook him. Who is this guy? Bruce: According to interpol files, he's known as the stalker. A big game hunter who's wanted on 3 continents for poaching. He only goes after the most dangerous predators. So why's he on my case? Man: Hey, what's going on? Hey, keep it down. I'm sleeping here. Aah! Man: Get outta my way! Woman: Somebody get me outta here! Oof! Unh. Raahhrr! Easy man, it's a new jacket. No. Aaaggh! What happened to you? Long story. Where's Matt? He went tubing. Great. I'll never get him out of there. Come on, twip. Time to go. I'm warning you. Don't make me come up there. Mattie? Oh, no. Just as I suspected. That flash grenade covered you and everything you touched with a microscopic phosphorous powder. When viewed through a special lens, you must have stood out like a Roman candle. So that's how he tracked me and how he found Matt. It wasn't your fault. But if anything happens to him... It won't. I found this in the pocket. It's a map. No. A trap. W-what are you gonna do, mister... cut my heart out? Eat my liver? Don't be dramatic. You are merely bait. Freaky. What happened to your back? A hunting accident. The panther was wounded... And I was careless. Ouch. My back was broken in 5 places. They had to replace my spine. The operation was excruciating... Aah! Aah! Aah! But it artificially enhanced my strength and reflexes. After I recovered, I went back and with my bare hands, got my revenge. It was easy. Too easy. I had become so powerful, no prey could challenge me. To one who lives for the thrill of the hunt, this was a tragedy. My life was over, until I heard that the legendary Batman had returned. Batman? I'd always imagined this Batman to be an ageless soul, inhabiting the greatest warrior of each generation. If this bat spirit really existed, it would present the ultimate challenge. You want a fight, dreg? Let's go! Cool. Impressive. You've drawn first blood. Now it's my turn. Aah! Oof! You're the legendary Batman, the dark demon of the concrete jungle? Stalker: Pathetic. Yeah! I've stalked kittens with more tooth than you. Meow. Aah! Whoa! For that, I'll drink your blood. Huh? Aah! Yaah! Hunting season's over. No. Impossible. You're a devil! Stay back! Aah! Weird. What happened to him? He was running from his own demons. Looks like they finally caught him. You should've been there, mom. It was awesome. Matt, I was so worried. There was this big guy with this spear and tattoos all over his body, and he put me in this cage. What? Why? I don't know. Then Batman showed up and bam, wham, pow! He saved me! Batman's so cool, not a loser like you. Hey, we can't all be Batman. Captioning made possible by Warner bros. The 18th of August, 1868 On the First of the Waning Moon, the ninth month I have to go, Nak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Nak's ghostly spirit is said to be a true story, long told over generations. The legend has it that Nang Nak, local to Prakanong District was a true and perfect wife, highly loyal to her husband. Even death could not mortalize her love and loyalty. Her loving soul wandered, awaiting for her husband to return to living together. Nang Nak Mak... help me... Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Prig. Somebody! Help! Someone hurt here! Help! Prig. Prig. Prig. Mak! Nak... Nak... Nak... How ill is he? Please tell me. I need to know. His condition is quite serious. But don't worry. His fortune still reads strongly. That's relief. But his illness worries me still. Can you lessen his bad luck? For pity's sake. Prepare offerings for the monk. I'll make merits to redeem him from his karma. Keep this charm strip and hold sacred. It protects you and the baby from the evil spirits. How long have you been pregnant? Almost 4 months. I do pity you, Nak. Nak. Help! Help! He's in pretty bad shape. Maybe too late. I'm afraid he's dying. Only the High Dignitary can help. We must wait for him then. I'd better go. Nak. Nak. Mak. Prig. Yuan! Press carefully. Bitch! Yuan! How's she doing? Don't move. Nak. Take it easy. Set the fire. Push! Push! Again! Don't stand block. She's having her hard time already. That's bad omen, you know. Since when has he been here? Yesterday evening, Your dignitary. The doctor at Ta Tien sent him here. Seriously ill he is. Hurry up! Prakhunnan... Satu. Have some. Water helps laboring easier. Um, are you stupid? Open the window, you fool. Widows must be open in laboring. Easy... easy. Why is it so hard this time? I may have it cut. Nak... Hang on. It's going to be hurt. Mak! How is he, Novice? Is he better yet? Yes, Your Dignitary. But his condition maintains. Good. Mak... Mak... Novice. How can I help you? The High Dignitary has sent for you. He's at his monastery house. Alright. How are you feeling? You look all well. Are you feeling well? I am, Your Dignitary. Because of you and your kindness. So I survive. Fate is very strange. Some look to be dying, but they aren't. Some don't have a sign, but die in a sudden. So they say what's certain is uncertain. Now that you are well, I suggest you enter ordination. That will ease your bad fortune. What do you think? You must be worried about your family, aren't you? Yes, Your Dignitary. My wife at Prakanong Canal is pregnant. She must have given birth by now. I so wonder how they are. That got me worried so I think I should leave. I'll certainly be back to ordain later on. As you please. From now on, whatever may happen, be calm. And be aware that everything goes by way of karma. Never set yourself on attachment. It only brings you sufferings. Nak... Mak... Nak... I'm home. Mak... You look very thin. Didn't the army feed you well at all? Basically, just chilies and salt. Sometimes, they even sent no provisions. Only sweet potatoes and yam kept us alive. It was extremely hard, Dear. Mountains and forests were barren. Many soldiers died of Malaria and cholera. What about yourself? I almost died from a deep wound cut at the chest. It took me full bedrest for months. Luckily, the High Dignitary of Rakang Temple saved by life. I could have died, otherwise. But Prig! Poor him! He was too young to die. What? Is Prig dead? Yes. He was close to beheaded and died right before my eyes. The body was cremated like a no one's son. Very pitiful. Oh! I almost forgot. His wife, Pad, doesn't know this. I must go to tell her. Are you going now? Yes. You came back just now and must be tired. Rest for a day, would you? I'll go tell Pad for you. Our baby is so young. Why are you taking it with? It can't be without. Our baby is such a mom's child. He's never been away from me. I want the one you are chewing. No. No... Naughty man! Don't... It is very sweet... Nak... Shame on you! How are you kissing in the field? Does your breath smell there? Nak is running away. Follow her. Son of Bitches! How dare you peeking on us? If I can't get blood out of your heads today, don't call me a man. Come! Come on! Think I were Nak. If you are real men, don't run away. Let me get your heads bleeding some. Um! Prig! Where are you? Mak... Help! Prig... Prig, don't die. Prig... Mak... Urb... Urb... Are you here? It's me! Mak! Nak! You scared me. When were you here? I didn't hear you came. I came back home but you weren't there. I looked all over for you. I'm afraid you'd leave me again. Nak. Why are you saying so? I never think like that. I just came out to get some palm leaves. I'll make some toys for our baby Dang. Let's go home. Um! Where are you going? What's the matter? That's quite a shout. It was Um. How dumb he is! He didn't hear me shout. He paddled his boat so fast. Be ashamed! What? What were you saying? Shame on you! Aren't you embarrassed, standing naked there? I was glad, meeting with Um. He might think it were some ghosts or what. Mak. Rest in Heaven, nak. Father! Yesterday I went fishing and met Mak. He must be living with Nak. The Hell with him! Did he know yet? Urb! Urb! It's me. Mak. I know she's been dead for 3 days. You didn't tell me. She died on the day you were back. I was so happy that I forgot telling. What became of her? Why is her body left unattended like that? Before you were back, people died of cholera. So did she. She was sick for 2 days and died. So people in the neighbor moved away. I was afraid, too. But Dang was young and might get infected easily. So I had to leave her like that. Don't you go to her house again. I don't want you to get the cholera. Nak... You scare me... Nak... Here's yours. Take it back. Oh, the pleasure boat. So large in measures Anchored at the peer Loaded with passengers Don't cry. She's coming! Nak. Nak, I looked all over for you. Here you are, pounding rice. What are you up for? It's late. Go to bed. What about you, pounding rice during these hours? Why don't you wait until the morning? We are running out of rice. I'm afraid it may not be enough for your breakfast. My Dear! Why didn't you tell me this evening? That's okay. I want to serve you as much as I can. I don't know how much time I have left to do this for you. Some day, I... Nak, why do you say such a thing? You sound like you are leaving me. Mak... Mak... Mak. I love you very much. I'll never leave you. But I'm afraid... Nak, what are you afraid of? I'll never leave you, either. We will be together till death do us part, Nak. Let's go. It's late. Let's get into the house. Ouch! Tomorrow I get some wood to fix it. Nak! Why are these rats all over the house? What are you doing down there? I'm looking for an axe. I need some wood to fix the stairs. Have you seen it? It's stuck at the post. Seen it? Um! Um! When are you here? Easy! How are you? How is Yuan? Um! What is it? You act like a theif. Mak. I have an important thing to tell you. Listen carefully. What is it? You don't have to make it so complicated. Mak, your wife is dead. Nak died long ago. Damn it! Um, are you joking? Are you kidding me? I'm not. I'm serious. Nak died while delivering her baby month ago. Stop! Stop it! This is too much. Son of a Bitch! Why are you accusing my wife of being dead? It's not funny. Mak. I'm not lying. She died in labor. Everyone knows it. You weren't here so you didn't know that. Liar! I live with my wife and my baby. You can see it. Why are you lying to me? Do I look stupid to you? You do. You live with the ghost. Don't you know it. Stop it, Um! If you weren't my best friend, I knock you down to the ground. Mak, I'm not lying. I swear over my dead body. I tied up her corpse by myself. Um! Do you hear that? My baby is crying. Yes. The ghost's baby. Um! Son of a Bitch! You! Damn you! You call my baby a ghost. Son of a bitch. I'll kill you today. Go ahead. Come on. Kill me. Go. Get the hell out of here. We're no longer friends. Don't let me see you again. Fine. I try very hard to tell you and you don't believe me. Go ahead. Live with the ghost! What's wrong with Dang? He keeps crying. Nothing's wrong. He is crying for his mom. He needs to be with me all the time. He would surely cry without my sight Have you got some wood? Not yet. I had met Um. I was glad seeing him. But he was strange, saying bullshit. What did he say? He told me that you died in labor. Bad mouth! He called your and our baby ghosts. I got so angry that I hit him away. What was wrong with him? Entering ordination doesn't do him any good. Liar! Strange! Are you crying, Nak? What's wrong? You've been away for too long. People have been accusing me hard lately. I am so afraid that I don't have a face to go out. Why so? They hate me. They accused me of having an affair when you were with the army. They said Dang was someone else's baby, not yours. They called me bitch. They have made up stories to accuse me. You were already pregnant when I was called. They all knew. How could they accused you? I don't know why they hate me so much. Look at Um! We were like brother and sister. He could do it too. How am I hurt... Dear Nak, don't be. How can we stop gossiping people from gossiping? No matter what, I won't believe them. Don't you give it a thought. I'll kill them with my swords whenever I meet. Ghost. Nak, Ghost... Ghost. Nak, Ghost... Damn! Yuan. Do you have to cry that loud? I'm already scared. Want the ghost to kill me? Moron! Who got himself into? I told you not to mess with them. Now what? If she knew, she wouldn't let you get away with this. She'd break your neck. Yuan! Shut up! You talk too much. Thanks for wishing me death. Isn't that true? You've picked the right one-the ghost! See for yourself tonight. Come! Do come and break my neck. Cut me into two pieces. Come! - Come on, Nak! Come! - Don't... Um! Don't defy her. Come on, Nak! She will really come. - Come on! Nak! Um is here. - Don't... Um! - Come break my neck. - Don't! Um! Don't go out! I'm not scared of you. Come, Nak! Walk quickly! I am, Jiad. Faster! It's dark. I hardly see the way. You'll be reprimanded if you're back late. I'll laugh at you. Don't babble. Get in the boat. Quick. Row smoothly. OK. It doesn't move. It's stuck. Throw the light at it. Ghost! Help! Ghost! One at a time! How will I know what's going on? Father! The ghost Nak is menacing around now. She willed many people. If we don't stop her, more people die. What do you think? I'll find a ghost banister to stop her. I don't want to see people die anymore. This ghost banister is very good. He could bust ghosts. A lot of people came to him. I think he can do for us. Think carefully. Don't rush. Think it through. I think no more. It was Mee. Then, Um. I won't let the Ghost Nak kill me that easily. We'll be prepared. Tonight, we'll go burn her house to the ground. Calm down, In! If you burn here, how about Mak? If he listens to us and leaves her, I spare his life. If the still mistakes bad for good and insists on living with the ghosts, I'll burn him all dead. Who is coming with me? Let's go! Mak... Mak... Mak... Mak... Father! What brings you here? Please come in. Are you alone? Yes. Nak went out for some morning glory vegetable. She'll be back soon. Please make yourself comfortable. Have some areca palm and betal leaves. I'm fine now. How are you? I haven't seen you for long. I've always wanted to visit you but haven't got a chance yet. It's family business. Mak, I have an important thing to tell you. What Um told you yesterday and you didn't believe... It was true. It is true, Mak. What is true? That Nak's dead in labor. I can tell you that you live with the ghosts. Do you know it, Mak? Father! Father! Why are you lying? I live with her days and nights. How can she be the ghost? This is my baby, Dang. In the cradle. You see... Come see for yourself, human or ghost? Mak, listen to me just for one time. Nak is dead. Everyone knows. I know that they hate Nak. They've been accusing her about things everyday. Um was one of them. I got angry and hit him away. Mak. Do you know that Um is dead? He died! Um died? Nak broke his neck last night because he came to tell you this. You're crazy. The silly things you're talking about. Look! If it wasn't you, I kicked you to the floor minutes ago. Alright. I came all the way to tell you this and you don't believe me. Suit yourself. If you want to see the truth, concentrate. Keep the Buddha in mind. Bend over to the front and look between your legs. The truth will reveal itself to you. Are you leaving? Wait for a while. Nak is coming back. You see her with your own eyes. Never mind. Let's hurry! Here it is! Yuan, he's here. Please come in. Soothe yourself with some water. Chuay, bring water here right away. Novice, put my staff in my bag. Yes, Your dignitary. We should keep amulets for later. I have an important thing to do. I have to leave now. We'll discuss it later. Where are you going? Prakanong District. Move! Jiad! Let me! I'm not Jiad. Ouch! Father! Drink it! Drink! I'll lead you to burn down Nak's house. Kill it! Go! Go! If you want to see the truth. Concentrate. Keep The Buddha in mind. Bend over to the front and look between your legs. The truth will reveal itself to you. Mak... Mak... Burn it! Mak! Come on now! Mak! Do you hear me? Burn it! Now! How far would you push to me? I didn't intervene your business. Why do you have to do mine? Nak. Ghost must be with ghosts. You live with men and kill men for pleasure. I burn you to death today. I live with my family, never kill anyone. They died because of their won Karma. They tried to part my family. I didn't do it. Today, you harm me first. You burn my house. I show you what can become of me. Quick! Why are you standing there. Come up here. Pass the holy thread around in circle. Fast! Fast! Tie up the holy thread. Sit. Don't go anywhere. Sit down. Sit. Don't go anywhere. Sit down. Mak... Ghost Nak! Don't panic. Keep chanting. Mak... Nak... Scaring the monks is a sin. Be gone. Don't bother Mak. Father, let my husband go and I leave. I can't. Nak, you are a ghost. Give up your human life. No. I listen to nobody. You part my family. You monk! Let my husband go. See for yourselves! Keep chanting... Keep on. Mak... Mak... Come to your wife and baby. Don't you pity on me? Mak... please come. I have nothing left. Nak... Mak, don't go. Stop chanting! Stop! She's gone. My sermon is working! Father... Father. Big trouble! What is it, Bua? Tui and his people dig Nak's grave. I saw the ghost banister was doing something with Nak's corpse. The Hell with it! Nak... Don't... Mak... don't go out. Damn! Anybody stops him! Mak! Don't! Mak! Hang on! If you want to harm my wife, do it over my dead body. Nak... Nak... Drag him away... quick! Bring the corpse up here. Hold him tight. Don't let him spoil my rituals. Let me go! Let me go! Don't go it to her! Don't! Don't! Stop! What the hell are you doing? Stop now! Nak! Don't! Nak! Don't! The High Dignitary wants you away from here. No one is allowed to enter unless he finishes. Do come up here and talk. Mak... is Mak here? Yes. The High Dignitary needs you in there. Give her your farewell. Look, Dang is sleeping. Nak... Nak... Dear Nak. Mak... Mak... My fate is small. I must go to serve the High Dignitary until I pay off my Karma. I can no longer serve you. Mak... Nak... We two must have been blessed with togetherness only this far. I wish we'd be born husband and wife again in our next lives, Nak. Mak... Be gone. It's the time. Mak... Nak. Mak... Who's the Master of Mahabud Temple? I am. Be blessed. I now have Nak's spirit dwelled in this bone shall bring it with me. Nak will no longer disturb anyone. You may please arrange her funeral, along with others. Yes, Your Dignitary. Very well. I may go. Be blessed to you all. No one has heard of Nak's thriller menace again ever since. The High Dignitary Buddhacharn To made a girdle brooch out of the headbone relics and wore it till his last day. The legend has it that after Somedej To's passing away, the brooch became in possession of his Royal Highness Prince Chumbhorn Ketudomsak. Later, handed down to many others, nondetected. Till now nobody knows where the item is. Today, the headbone relics where Nak's spirit lives is lost in the place of nowhere. Only the legend remains. Immortal love of the faithful wife. Its story always revives in the heart that beats of every life. Two Absolut martinis up. Another Dewar's rocks. We're not gonna run the table. Deep background. I won't use your name. And you won't get a quote. -Why are we here? -You sat down. -ls Josh on his way out? -No. -l know he's your friend. -He is. -Did Caldwell--? -l'm not talking. -Who do I call? -No. -Just tell me who to call. -Call 1 -800-BlTE-ME. He's not going anywhere, Billy. You're lying now. Why would I lie to a journalist? Why do you keep looking behind me? Alger Hiss came in with a pumpkin. -That girl's eyeing me. -Really? I never know if they're looking or not. Yeah, I think she was. Thank you for the casual way you did that. She probably didn't notice that. Twenty-five cars jumped the tracks, spilling sodium hydroxide.... 1 7 across is just wrong. You believe that, Ruth? -You should call them. -l will. -Telephone. -l'm in the shower. It's Potus. You can have a normal life. You'd be amazed at how normal I am. It's all about budgeting your time. This time, this hour, this is my time. 5 a.m. to 6 a.m. I can work out, think about personal matters. I can meet an interesting man. -The trick-- -Beeper. -What? -l think your beeper's going. Lyman here. What is it? Please turn off all electronic devices stow tray tables and return your seats to the upright position. We will be landing shortly. -Sir, please turn off your computer. -l'm almost done. Sir, your laptop interferes with our systems. You know that sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Mr. Ziegler, a message was sent to the cockpit for you. I'm not sure I've got it right: "Potus in a bicycle accident"? You got it right. You can't use that until we land. We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1 01 1 . It carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. But I can screw it up with something I bought at RadioShack? You can call when we land, sir. Also, I never got my peanuts. How you doing, Sam? The water pressure in here is impressive. -l know. -You could run hydraulics. -You want some? -l'm fine. -l'm wasted. -And free of cataracts. -l get that. That's funny. -Thank you. Wait, your pager went off while you were in the shower. I thought it was mine. "Potus in a bicycle accident. Come to the office. " I memorized it just in case I erased it by accident. These things look exactly alike. Anyway, I'm totally baked, but it's not like I'm a drug person. -l just love pot. -Laurie, I have to go. -lt's 5:30 a.m. -This doesn't look good. Not that good, no. I like you, and I'd like to call you. Stay right here, save the call. I see the logic, but I gotta go. -Because Potus was in an accident? -Yep. Tell your friend Potus to learn to ride a bike. He's my boss, not my friend. It's not his name. lt's his title. Potus? "President of the United States. " l'll call you! -Nice morning, Mr. McGarry. -We'll take care of that in a hurry. -Don't kill the messenger, Leo. -Why not? -Five minutes? -Please. -Emma. -Morning. Wilson. Joe. -Jeffrey. -Whatever. Josh! -Morning, Leo. -Donna. -ls he in yet? -Yeah. Can you get him? -Josh! -Thanks. -l heard it's broken. -Wrong. It's a mild sprain. He'll be back. -What caused it? -You from State Farm? Go! Do a job. He was swerving to avoid a tree. -And? -He was unsuccessful. Just don't do anything until you talk to Justice. How many Cubans are crammed into these boats? By and large, they're not boats. "Boats" conjures the image of a boat, first of all. What the Cubans are on are charitably described as rafts. They're coming from Havana in fruit baskets. -Let's be clear. -We are. If it floats, it looks good to them. -How many are there? -We don't know. -What time did they leave? -We don't know. -Know when they arrive? -No. On high ground in Key West with binoculars... ... I'dbeas informedasyou. -True. -lntelligence is money well spent. Tom sent the Coast Guard. They won't make it to our waters! The DEA could suspect drugs. -Do they? -l can make a phone call. If the DEA thought they had drugs... ... wouldn'twehavetosearch those rafts with guns and blankets? You look like hell. You know that? -l do. Listen, did he say anything? -Did he say anything? The president's pissed at you and so am I. We gotta work with these people. Where do you get off--? -Al Caldwell's a good man. -He wasn't there. You take the entire Christian right... ... anddumpthem into one big pile. -We need them. -We don't need them. We need Caldwell. We want Caldwell. We don't need John Van Dyke or Mary Marsh. And I think there shouldn't be instant replay in football. -lt was stupid. -Damn straight. -l was right, though! -Like I don't know that. Mr. McGarry, have they done an x-ray? is anything broken? A $4000 titanium touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone. -l don't understand. -He's a klutz! The president's a geek. You know how I feel about that kind of talk. -l apologize. -Just in this room, is all I'm asking. Call OEOB. Set up a briefing for the VP. Coordinate with Katey Simons' office. -Get everybody? -Yes. Margaret? Call the editor of The Times ' crossword. Tell him "Khaddafi" has one H and two D's. And it isn't a 7-letter word. -ls this real or is this funny? -Neither. Can I say anything besides "Rode into a tree"? -He'll never do it again. -They'll laugh. He rode his bicycle into a tree. "The president, while riding a bicycle on vacation... ... cametoasuddenarborealstop. " Tell me about the Cubans. Between 1 200 and 2000 Cubans... ... froma villagesouthofHavana. -Headed where? -Vegas. -Miami. Their navigational equipment-- -Navigational? "That way is north. " -lf one had a fast ball, we'd get them. -That's not entirely true. Forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem. -What's our problem? -What to do when they hit Miami. Can't send them back. -We'll get whacked. -Three districts. -Those seats are gone. -Plus, it's wrong. -Texas? -Don't worry. Keep Josh in the loop on this. -Me? The thing is-- -Deal with it. I'm happy to. I'm just saying, isn't this more of a military area? Military? We're under attack by Cubans in rowboats? -l like our chances. -How did we win an election? -Pat Thomas wants the Guard. -You'll create a panic situation. I agree with Josh, C.J. and Sam. You know that makes me crazy. They're on the run. Don't play games. Send help, don't send the National Guard. See that lNS works with Red Cross and CDC. -l got a guy in CDC. -Talk to him. Moving on, let's talk about Josh. Al scares the president. Josh knows. -He won't fire him. -He has no choice. -He's not gonna fire Josh. -He doesn't have a choice. I had drinks with Sam Seaborn last night. -And the president's firing Josh? -He needs these people. Folks... . -What if he--? -He doesn't have a choice. Good morning. Dr. Randal Haymen, chief of orthopedics at St. John's... ... diagnosedthepresident with a sprained ankle... ... sustainedwhilecycling into a large tree. Details are in the report being distributed... ... withphotosof thepresident resisting help and falling down again. By all means, enjoy yourselves. Item number two. C.J., has the president--? Let's just get through this. Item number two... . None of your business. If 38 states-- You don 't believe in any god that I pray to, Mr. Lyman. The god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. You don 't believe in any god that I pray to, Mr. Lyman. The god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. That tie bleeds on television. -The tie wasn't the problem. -l told you. -What's that? -Coffee. -l thought so. -lt's for you. -What's going on? -Nothing. Coffee. Close the door. -When did you start working here? -The campaign. -How long ago? -A year and a half. When's the last time you brought coffee? You've never brought me coffee. -lt isn't a big deal-- -lf l get fired, I get fired. Do you think he's gonna do it? No. You won that election for him, you and Leo and C.J. and Sam. -Open the damn door. -And him. -Thanks for the coffee. -You're welcome. -Donna brought you coffee? -Shut up! What's up? What'd I say yesterday? -Don't get cute with Marsh. -Don't get cute. I said don't treat Caldwell like a revival tent clown. -Caldwell wasn't there. -He was watching. What do you want from me? I want you to keep your job. -How? -l have a suggestion... ... butit'snotanindication that I like you. I understand. For the Sunday morning radio address on family values-- -That's on the schedule? -Wait. -lt's a regular Sunday. -When was it scheduled? After your smug, taunting, calamitous performance on Capitol Beat! America for Better Families, Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh. I invited them for coffee to talk about-- -What they want to hear. -Yes. Presidents are rolling in their graves. -Come to the meeting and be nice. -Why? -lt'll look good. -Caldwell's friends are bad. He should say so for the common good. Screw politics. You don't run social policy! I'm in charge of the message around here! The best thing the president can do from a PR standpoint... ... istoshowyou the door. Come to the meeting. Be nice, keep your job. I'll be there. -Oh, take a look at this. -What's that? A kid in the newsroom clipped that this morning. Guess who's coming to town to consult? -She's leasing offices downtown. -Who's she working for? I'm checking it out. That's a good picture of her. Bruce? Bruce! I just got back into the business... ... butI didn'tcome by way of a turnip truck. Yank me around, and I'm gonna get cranky. Who's your source on 443? Big fat byline above the fold? It's time we play "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Don't say you're gonna try. This isn't gym class. I said gym class. Gym class? Because it's important in gym to try. It was a simple metaphor. You're misinterpreting me and the senator. It's bush-league reporting. -You ran a red light. -Hold on. Hustle me, I'll make you cry. -License, please. -Just a second. Now, please. I'm under arrest. I have to call you back. Two percent in the third quarter. The president's gonna check the revenue analysis... ... andsayeconomistsare here to make astrologers look good. Luther, one year from today, where's the Dow? Great. Up 1 000. -Fred? A year. -Not good. Down 1 000. In a year, one of you will look stupid. -Can we go now? -Go. Get out. We have storm systems in south Florida. With any luck, the Cubans will turn around. Think they're tuned to the National Weather Service? What is it? -l think we're about to get tagged. -What? -Re-election. -Not yet. Don't let Russell push us around on Medicare or missiles. -You're taking him too seriously. -His stock is up. -Hollywood likes him. -lt'll wait. You're Lloyd Russell, prince of white suburban women... ... middle-classblackmen, the Teachers' Union. What do you do? -Fund exploratory committees. -Run by? -You. -l already got a job. -For now. -Then who? Mandy, if I could get her to leave her job at Lennox/ Chase. -You'd be smart. -Think she'd be interested in his job? -Guess what? -She here? -As of today. -Why? Working for Lloyd Russell. Margaret! Get me Senator Russell's office on the phone! Same suit you wore yesterday? Yeah. You? Yeah. -l think it's him. -lt is. I'm going over there. Sorry to interrupt. We're in a poli-sci group. You're excellent. Could we have your autograph? Mandy Hampton. She's excellent too. -From the campaign. -You guys used to be a thing? -Jenn! -Sorry. She stole money from me. Thanks for stopping by. -Thanks. -Thanks. See you. You want to know if Lloyd's running. I don't care. He's a lightweight. -Don't like him? -No. -How will he be on the budget? -You should get to know him. -l have enough friends. -Not these days. -lt's not like they were on our side. -They've waited for you to trip up. It's Christmas morning for Mary Marsh. You're a Fulbright scholar. Don't you think... ... thatyou'reabouttobefired ? Do what Toby's telling you to do. Did you call him Lloyd? -Who? -Senator Russell. -When? -Just now. "You want to know if Lloyd is running. " Unusual, using his first name to a third party. -Third party? -Get my point? -No. -You're dating Lloyd Russell. Yes. Wow. That's great. -Are you gonna freak out? -No. lsn't he gay? -He's not gay. -You sure? -Very sure. -He seems effeminate. He's very athletic. Plenty masculine. -He's a woman. -Take me seriously. I do. The Times is releasing a poll... ... thatbringsyourunfavorables up to 48%%% . -l hadn't heard. -You will in an hour. -Says who? -l'm not on your team. First you give advice, now I'm not on your team? I want you at fighting weight when we start. -You and Lloyd Russell? -Yeah. Seventeen across. It's wrong. You're spelling his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm a citizen who relies on The Times ' crossword for stimulation. I've met the man twice. I've recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force-- Leo. -They hung up on me. -That's hard to believe. -What is it? -l need someone for-- -Send Naomi. What else? -Press leak on A3C3. That was Hutchinson. What else? Please don't ask me about Josh. -l was asking-- -l don't know. You know the president better than me. I've known him 40 years. Any given day, there's no predicting what he'll choose to care about. I'm sorry. I'm late. The assault stats are wrong. They came from your office. -You still can't use them. -Why can't I use them? -The 7 6-year-old grandma. -Carr and Gilmore come back. Who's the grandma? Every day, 1 7,000 Americans fire a gun-- That is untrue. including a 7 6-year-old... ... whodefendedherself against an intruder. A grandmother doesn't defend herself with an AK-47... ... unlessshe'sdefendingherself against Turkish rebels. -You know my assistant, Cathy. -Hi. I need you a second. Call me tonight. -Leo's wife called. -She hates me. What did I do? You hit on her at a party. -l meant, why did she call? -She wants-- For the last time, I didn't know who she was! -Anyway-- -Most women would be flattered. -Leo was touched. -What did she want? Her daughter's class is getting a tour. She wants you to do it. -l can't. -They wrote essays. I don't know anything about the White House. -You want to tell her that? -Let this be a national emergency. -Cashmere Escorts. -You paged me. -Who is this? -Sam Seaborn. Sorry, there's been a mistake. -Who's this? -Cashmere Escort Service. -Okay. Page me. -Where are you going? Nowhere. Page me and punch in my number. -You switched pagers with someone? -A woman's about to call me. -You paged me? -Laurie. -Who 's this? -lt's Sam. Sam Seaborn. -You called me. -Actually, you called me. That's because you have my pager and I have yours. -Oh. -Yeah. Can I come by and see you real quick? -Yeah. -Thanks. Good. -Four column inches above the fold. -You're wrong. I don't have time to answer questions. That won't stop you from asking. Has the president reacted to Josh? None that I'm aware of. I'll give you time when I've got it. -They picking up the scent? -Billy is. -Josh is coming to the coffee. -Keep him cool. The president's deeply religious. I don't need to tell you. His work with the Baptists, the Catholic League. And my church. He also spent months traveling around the country... ... discouragingabortion. Hang on. He never said-- lt's not the government's place to legislate... ... butheplayshis role as a moral leader. Something which cost him dearly in the campaign. Why does he demonize us as a group? Your group has plenty of demons. Every group has demons. I know, I'm in the Democratic Party. Everyone in the Christian Right isn't the same. When you stand that close to Marsh and Van Dyke... ... theypaintyou with the same brush. I need them for muscle. No, you don't, but you're in a tough spot. -l'm not looking for a holy war. -l know, Al. We can keep this from escalating beyond a woman being angry... ... atgettingherhairmessedup. There you go. It wasn't a little deal. You need to take me seriously. You don't think we take this seriously? Yesterday, the president ordered me to fire Josh Lyman. I'm trying to talk him out of it. He'll be here in 1 0 minutes. Who knows if Josh still has a job? How much more seriously can we take it? -lt's regrettable. -Yes, it is. Anyway, I'm glad Toby organized your meeting this afternoon. So am I. -Can I come in? -Sure. -Nice apartment. -You saw it last night. I really like it. It makes very good use of space. The ladle on the pegboards. It didn't come with the apartment. It's mine. -Right. -Yes. -Can I ask--? -Am I a hooker? What I was going to say is this: In addition to being a law student and part-time bartender... ... areyouwhatIam certainwould be a very high-priced call girl? I make no judgments. But with my job-- Yeah. -Yes? -Yes. I'm sorry. I should have told you. -l wanted you to like me. -l do. I have to go. My pager. Thanks. -l don't know how often you get up-- -Sam, go. You don't know who I am. There are people who'd pay to try to-- l know. Go. lt's okay. Reverend Caldwell, if you would step in here. Excuse me. We'll be a minute. Everyone have a seat. Everybody, nicely and quietly take a seat. -Put it on. -No! You've worn those clothes for 31 hours. I'm not sprucing up for them. All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt. Bonnie? Tell Toby he's changing his shirt. Right. -You're late. -l'm having a weird day. The class is waiting in the Roosevelt Room. -l don't know what to say. -Tell them about the building. I don't know about the building. -Fake it. -l can't. Which one's Leo's daughter? What does she look like? -l don't know. -Thank you for all your help. Sure. -Sorry I'm late. -Mr. Seaborn, Mallory O'Brian. These fourth-graders... ... wroteessays on visiting the White House. That's great. Why don't we get started? I'm Sam Seaborn, the deputy communications director. What does that mean, exactly? I'm a counselor to the president... ... ondomesticmatters, not security related. I work with the communications director and press secretary... ... togetourmessageout through the media. While my role here is seen as politically skewed... ... remember,it'snotthe DNC , but your taxes that pay my salary. So I work for you, whether you voted for us or not. How about some history? Sure. I graduated law school and started at Dewey Ballantine-- Actually, I meant a history of the building. -The White House? -Yes. The White House was built several years ago... ... mostly,ifI'mnot mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in, the Roosevelt Room, is famous. It is named after our 1 8th president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The chairs were made from a pirate ship... ... capturedduringthe-- Kids, I need to talk with Mr. Seaborn. Sit tight for a second. Hi. Are you a moron? -ln this area, yes. -The 1 8th president was Grant. This room was named for Theodore. -There's a painting of him in there. -l should've figured it out. I can speak with authority on many things, but not about the White House. The deputy communications director can't talk about the White House? -lt's ironic. -l don't believe it. Can you tell me which one of those kids is Leo McGarry's daughter? -Why? -lf l make sure she's having fun... ... itmightmakemylife easier. These children worked hard. I don't want to make your life easier. Please believe me when I say I'm a nice guy having a bad day. The Times says many Americans feel the White House is unfocused. There's footage of the president riding into a tree. We're fishing for Cubans... ... butthegovernorofFlorida wants a blockade. My friend is about to get fired. And I accidentally slept with a prostitute. Please tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter. That would be me. -You? -Yes. Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class. This is bad on so many levels. She'll try and bait you. -Lloyd Russell. That'll last. -Listen to me. -They want you to sound arrogant. -That's easy. We apologize. We're running a bit late today. Good afternoon. -How's the president? -Mild sprain. He's fine. John Van Dyke. Everybody, sit. I'm happy you could be here today. The president makes a usual Sunday radio address. -ln a few weeks, he's-- -lf l could interrupt. Christian and family-oriented organizations... ... whileembracedby manyAmericans... ... havebeenmetwithhostility by their government. Yesterday morning on a television program... ... thatcontemptwasgivenavoice and a face and a name. -l'm referring to you. -Glad you brought it up. I'm surprised. I counted you as a friend. And I'm honored by that. When I spoke on the program yesterday... ... Ididn'tspeakfor the president. That's important. Please allow me to apologize. My remarks were insulting. I went for a cheap laugh. Anybody willing to debate ideas deserves more than a punch line. Mary, I apologize. Good, then. Let's deal. -l'm sorry? -What do we get? -For what? -insulting millions. -Like Josh said-- -l heard. What do we get? -An apology. -Sunday's address. School prayer or pornography. Pick. -School prayer or porn? -On every corner. -l know. -Condoms in the schools. -What? -Condoms in schools. -That's a problem. -What? They reduce the risk of teen pregnancy and aids. So does abstinence. A teenager sees a condom, he turns to lust. Show him a lug wrench, and he-- School prayer, pornography, condoms. What's it gonna be? We're not prepared to make a deal right now. Sure we are. Mary-- You're cleaning out your desk at the end of the day. I'll negotiate with Toby, if it's all the same. It was only a matter of time. That New York sense of humor-- They think they're smarter. But nobody else does. I'm actually from Connecticut. But the point is-- She meant Jewish. "New York sense of humor. " -She meant you and me. -Let's not even go there. There's been an apology. Let's move on. I want to know why we hear so much about amendments... ... butnottheCommandments. -l don't like what I'm accused of. -That's tough. First Commandment is, "Honor thy father. " No, it isn't. lf we're going through this preposterous exercise... ... we'regonnaget the Commandments right! It's the third commandment. -And the first? -"l am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me. " Those were the days. -Good afternoon, Mr. President. -Al. -What do you got here, C.J.? -We've got some hot tempers. -l'm John Van Dyke. -Yes. Reverend? May I ask you a question? If children can buy pornography anywhere for $5... ... isn'tthattoohighaprice to pay for free speech? -Really? -However... ... Idothink$5istoohighaprice for pornography. -Why don't we sit down? -No. They won't be staying long. Some coffee, Mr. Lewis? I've asked you to denounce the practices of a group... ... calledthe"LambsofGod. " -lt's not up to me. -Crap. lt is up to you. My wife never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Years ago, I came home from a very bad day. I say I'm going for a drive. I get in the car, put it in reverse, and pull out full speed. But I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey said not to drive angry. She was right. She said not to get on that bicycle while I was upset, but I did. I was about as angry as I've ever been. Seems my granddaughter had given an interview in a teen magazine. Between movie stars and makeup... ... shetalkedabout a woman's right to choose. Annie, all of 1 2, has always been precocious. She's got a good head on her shoulders. Her mother called me in tears. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "lt's Annie. " I love my family, I've read my Bible cover to cover, so you tell me: From what part of Scripture did the Lambs of God draw their inspiration... ... whentheysent my granddaughter a doll... ... witha knife stuck through its throat? You'll denounce these people publicly. Until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. Show these people out. -l believe we can find the door. -Find it now. -We'll fix this, Leo. -See that you do. -l was the calmest person in the room. -Way to stay cool. I won't auction off the Bill of Rights. You almost hit her. -She called us New York Jews. -l'm from Connecticut. You, C.J., were brilliant. I liked the part where you said nothing at all. All I could think about was Russell and your girlfriend. -Mandy and Lloyd Russell? -"Hello, Mr. President! Did you have a nice trip, sir? How's the ankle, sir?" We've been taking a little break, thinking about our personal lives... ... orthinkingaboutkeepingourjobs. It's not a bad idea to take a break every now and then. I know how hard you all work. One time Annie came to me with this press clipping. Some theologians in South America were excited... ... becausea littlegirlinChile sliced a tomato... ... andtheinsidefleshhadactually formed a perfect rosary. The theologians thought this was a very impressive girl. Annie commented that she thought it was a very impressive tomato. Don't know why I thought of that. Intelligence reports 1 200 Cubans left Havana this morning. Approximately 700 turned back due to weather. Some 350 are missing and presumed dead. 1 37 have been taken into custody in Miami and are seeking asylum. They came through a storm. The ones that didn't die want a better life, and they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: Break's over. -Thank you, Mr. President. -Thank you, sir. "Too busy being indicted for tax fraud"? Don't ever do it again. Yes, sir. Mrs. Landingham, what's next? Thomas and the majority leader would like a conference. A group's assembling for a photo op. At 7:00, you have cocktails... . Two Absolut martinis up. Another Dewar's rocks. We're not gonna run the table. Deep background. I won't use your name. And you won't get a quote. - Why are we here? - You sat down. - Is Josh on his way out? - No. - I know he's your friend. - He is. - Did Caldwell...? - I'm not talking. - Who do I call? - No. - Just tell me who to call. - Call 1-800-BITE-ME. He's not going anywhere, Billy. You're lying now. Why would I lie to a journalist? Why do you keep looking behind me? Alger Hiss came in with a pumpkin. - That girl's eyeing me. - Really? I never know if they're looking or not. Yeah, I think she was. Thank you for the casual way you did that. She probably didn't notice that. Twenty-five cars jumped the tracks, spilling sodium hydroxide.... 17 across is just wrong. You believe that, Ruth? - You should call them. - I will. - Telephone. - I'm in the shower. It's Potus. You can have a normal life. You'd be amazed at how normal I am. It's all about budgeting your time. This time, this hour, this is my time. 5 a.m. to 6 a.m. I can work out, think about personal matters. I can meet an interesting man. - The trick... - Beeper. - What? - I think your beeper's going. Lyman here. What is it? Please turn off all electronic devices... ... stow tray tables and return your seats to the upright position. We will be landing shortly. - Sir, please turn off your computer. - I'm almost done. Sir, your laptop interferes with our systems. You know that sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Mr. Ziegler, a message was sent to the cockpit for you. I'm not sure I've got it right: "Potus in a bicycle accident"? You got it right. You can't use that until we land. We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. It carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. But I can screw it up with something I bought at Radioshack? You can call when we land, sir. Also, I never got my peanuts. How you doing, Sam? The water pressure in here is impressive. - I know. - You could run hydraulics. - You want some? - I'm fine. - I'm wasted. - And free of cataracts. - I get that. That's funny. - Thank you. Wait, your pager went off while you were in the shower. I thought it was mine. "Potus in a bicycle accident. Come to the office. " I memorized it just in case I erased it by accident. These things look exactly alike. Anyway, I'm totally baked, but it's not like I'm a drug person. - I just love pot. - Laurie, I have to go. - It's 5:30 a.m. - This doesn't look good. Not that good, no. I like you, and I'd like to call you. Stay right here, save the call. I see the logic, but I gotta go. - Because Potus was in an accident? - Yep. Tell your friend Potus to learn to ride a bike. He's my boss, not my friend. It's not his name. It's his title. Potus? "President of the United States. " I'll call you! - Nice morning, Mr. McGarry. - We'll take care of that in a hurry. - Don't kill the messenger, Leo. - Why not? - Five minutes? - Please. - Emma. - Morning. Wilson. Joe. - Jeffrey. - Whatever. Josh! - Morning, Leo. - Donna. - Is he in yet? - Yeah. Can you get him? - Josh! - Thanks. - I heard it's broken. - Wrong. It's a mild sprain. He'll be back. - What caused it? - You from State Farm? Go! Do a job. He was swerving to avoid a tree. - And? - He was unsuccessful. Just don't do anything until you talk to Justice. How many Cubans are crammed into these boats? By and large, they're not boats. "Boats" conjures the image of a boat, first of all. What the Cubans are on are charitably described as rafts. They're coming from Havana in fruit baskets. - Let's be clear. - We are. If it floats, it looks good to them. - How many are there? - We don't know. - What time did they leave? - We don't know. - Know when they arrive? - No. On high ground in Key West with binoculars I'd be as informed as you. - True. - Intelligence is money well spent. Tom sent the Coast Guard. They won't make it to our waters! The DEA could suspect drugs. - Do they? - I can make a phone call. If the DEA thought they had drugs wouldn't we have to search those rafts with guns and blankets? You look like hell. You know that? - I do. Listen, did he say anything? - Did he say anything? The president's pissed at you and so am I. We gotta work with these people. Where do you get off...? - Al Caldwell's a good man. - He wasn't there. You take the entire Christian right and dump them into one big pile. - We need them. - We don't need them. We need Caldwell. We want Caldwell. We don't need John Van Dyke or Mary Marsh. And I think there shouldn't be instant replay in football. - It was stupid. - Damn straight. - I was right, though! - Like I don't know that. Mr. McGarry, have they done an x-ray? Is anything broken? A $4000 titanium touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone. - I don't understand. - He's a klutz! The president's a geek. You know how I feel about that kind of talk. - I apologize. - Just in this room, is all I'm asking. Call OEOB. Set up a briefing for the VP. Coordinate with Katey Simons' office. - Get everybody? - Yes. Margaret? Call the editor of The Times ' crossword. Tell him "Khaddafi" has one H and two D's. And it isn't a 7-letter word. - Is this real or is this funny? - Neither. Can I say anything besides "Rode into a tree"? - He'll never do it again. - They'll laugh. He rode his bicycle into a tree. "The president, while riding a bicycle on vacation came to a sudden arboreal stop. " Tell me about the Cubans. Between 1200 and 2000 Cubans from a village south of Havana. - Headed where? - Vegas. - Miami. Their navigational equipment... - Navigational? "That way is north. " - If one had a fast ball, we'd get them. - That's not entirely true. Forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem. - What's our problem? - What to do when they hit Miami. Can't send them back. - We'll get whacked. - Three districts. - Those seats are gone. - Plus, it's wrong. - Texas? - Don't worry. Keep Josh in the loop on this. - Me? The thing is... - Deal with it. I'm happy to. I'm just saying, isn't this more of a military area? Military? We're under attack by Cubans in rowboats? - I like our chances. - How did we win an election? - Pat Thomas wants the Guard. - You'll create a panic situation. I agree with Josh, C.J. and Sam. You know that makes me crazy. They're on the run. Don't play games. Send help, don't send the National Guard. See that INS works with Red Cross and CDC. - I got a guy in CDC. - Talk to him. Moving on, let's talk about Josh. Al scares the president. Josh knows. - He won't fire him. - He has no choice. - He's not gonna fire Josh. - He doesn't have a choice. I had drinks with Sam Seaborn last night. - And the president's firing Josh? - He needs these people. Folks.... - What if he...? - He doesn't have a choice. Good morning. Dr. Randal Haymen, chief of orthopedics at St. John's diagnosed the president with a sprained ankle sustained while cycling into a large tree. Details are in the report being distributed with photos of the president resisting help and falling down again. By all means, enjoy yourselves. Item number two. C.J., has the president...? Let's just get through this. Item number two.... None of your business. If 38 states... You don't believe in any god that I pray to, Mr. Lyman. The god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. You don't believe in any god that I pray to, Mr. Lyman. The god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. That tie bleeds on television. - The tie wasn't the problem. - I told you. - What's that? - Coffee. - I thought so. - It's for you. - What's going on? - Nothing. Coffee. Close the door. - When did you start working here? - The campaign. - How long ago? - A year and a half. When's the last time you brought coffee? You've never brought me coffee. - It isn't a big deal... - If I get fired, I get fired. Do you think he's gonna do it? No. You won that election for him, you and Leo and C.J. and Sam. - Open the damn door. - And him. - Thanks for the coffee. - You're welcome. - Donna brought you coffee? - Shut up! What's up? What'd I say yesterday? - Don't get cute with Marsh. - Don't get cute. I said don't treat Caldwell like a revival tent clown. - Caldwell wasn't there. - He was watching. What do you want from me? I want you to keep your job. - How? - I have a suggestion but it's not an indication that I like you. I understand. For the Sunday morning radio address on family values... - That's on the schedule? - Wait. - It's a regular Sunday. - When was it scheduled? After your smug, taunting, calamitous performance on Capitol Beat! America for Better Families, Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh. I invited them for coffee to talk about... - What they want to hear. - Yes. Presidents are rolling in their graves. - Come to the meeting and be nice. - Why? - It'll look good. - Caldwell's friends are bad. He should say so for the common good. Screw politics. You don't run social policy! I'm in charge of the message around here! The best thing the president can do from a PR standpoint is to show you the door. Come to the meeting. Be nice, keep your job. I'll be there. - Oh, take a look at this. - What's that? A kid in the newsroom clipped that this morning. Guess who's coming to town to consult? - She's leasing offices downtown. - Who's she working for? I'm checking it out. That's a good picture of her. Bruce? Bruce! I just got back into the business but I didn't come by way of a turnip truck. Yank me around, and I'm gonna get cranky. Who's your source on 443? Big fat byline above the fold? It's time we play "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Don't say you're gonna try. This isn't gym class. I said gym class. Gym class? Because it's important in gym to try. It was a simple metaphor. You're misinterpreting me and the senator. It's bush-league reporting. - You ran a red light. - Hold on. Hustle me, I'll make you cry. - License, please. - Just a second. Now, please. I'm under arrest. I have to call you back. Two percent in the third quarter. The president's gonna check the revenue analysis and say economists are here to make astrologers look good. Luther, one year from today, where's the Dow? Great. Up 1000. - Fred? A year. - Not good. Down 1000. In a year, one of you will look stupid. - Can we go now? - Go. Get out. We have storm systems in south Florida. With any luck, the Cubans will turn around. Think they're tuned to the National Weather Service? What is it? - I think we're about to get tagged. - What? - Re-election. - Not yet. Don't let Russell push us around on Medicare or missiles. - You're taking him too seriously. - His stock is up. - Hollywood likes him. - It'll wait. You're Lloyd Russell, prince of white suburban women middle-class black men, the Teachers' Union. What do you do? - Fund exploratory committees. - Run by? - You. - I already got a job. - For now. - Then who? Mandy, if I could get her to leave her job at Lennox/Chase. - You'd be smart. - Think she'd be interested in his job? - Guess what? - She here? - As of today. - Why? Working for Lloyd Russell. Margaret! Get me Senator Russell's office on the phone! Same suit you wore yesterday? Yeah. You? Yeah. - I think it's him. - It is. I'm going over there. Sorry to interrupt. We're in a poli-sci group. You're excellent. Could we have your autograph? Mandy Hampton. She's excellent too. - From the campaign. - You guys used to be a thing? - Jenn! - Sorry. She stole money from me. Thanks for stopping by. - Thanks. - Thanks. See you. You want to know if Lloyd's running. I don't care. He's a lightweight. - Don't like him? - No. - How will he be on the budget? - You should get to know him. - I have enough friends. - Not these days. - It's not like they were on our side. - They've waited for you to trip up. It's Christmas morning for Mary Marsh. You're a Fulbright scholar. Don't you think that you're about to be fired? Do what Toby's telling you to do. Did you call him Lloyd? - Who? - Senator Russell. - When? - Just now. "You want to know if Lloyd is running. " Unusual, using his first name to a third party. - Third party? - Get my point? - No. - You're dating Lloyd Russell. Yes. Wow. That's great. - Are you gonna freak out? - No. Isn't he gay? - He's not gay. - You sure? - Very sure. - He seems effeminate. He's very athletic. Plenty masculine. - He's a woman. - Take me seriously. I do. The Times is releasing a poll that brings your unfavorables up to 48%. - I hadn't heard. - You will in an hour. - Says who? - I'm not on your team. First you give advice, now I'm not on your team? I want you at fighting weight when we start. - You and Lloyd Russell? - Yeah. Seventeen across. It's wrong. You're spelling his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm a citizen who relies on The Times ' crossword for stimulation. I've met the man twice. I've recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force... Leo. - They hung up on me. - That's hard to believe. - What is it? - I need someone for... - Send Naomi. What else? - Press leak on A3C3. That was Hutchinson. What else? Please don't ask me about Josh. - I was asking... - I don't know. You know the president better than me. I've known him 40 years. Any given day, there's no predicting what he'll choose to care about. I'm sorry. I'm late. The assault stats are wrong. They came from your office. - You still can't use them. - Why can't I use them? - The 76-year-old grandma. - Carr and Gilmore come back. Who's the grandma? Every day, 17,000 Americans fire a gun... That is untrue. Including a 76-year-old who defended herself against an intruder. A grandmother doesn't defend herself with an AK-47 unless she's defending herself against Turkish rebels. - You know my assistant, Cathy. - Hi. I need you a second. Call me tonight. - Leo's wife called. - She hates me. What did I do? You hit on her at a party. - I meant, why did she call? - She wants... For the last time, I didn't know who she was! - Anyway... - Most women would be flattered. - Leo was touched. - What did she want? Her daughter's class is getting a tour. She wants you to do it. - I can't. - They wrote essays. I don't know anything about the White House. - You want to tell her that? - Let this be a national emergency. -Cashmere Escorts. - You paged me. -Who is this? - Sam Seaborn. Sorry, there's been a mistake. - Who's this? -Cashmere Escort Service. - Okay. Page me. - Where are you going? Nowhere. Page me and punch in my number. - You switched pagers with someone? - A woman's about to call me. -You paged me? - Laurie. -Who's this? - It's Sam. Sam Seaborn. -You called me. - Actually, you called me. That's because you have my pager and I have yours. -Oh. - Yeah. Can I come by and see you real quick? -Yeah. - Thanks. Good. - Four column inches above the fold. - You're wrong. I don't have time to answer questions. That won't stop you from asking. Has the president reacted to Josh? None that I'm aware of. I'll give you time when I've got it. - They picking up the scent? - Billy is. - Josh is coming to the coffee. - Keep him cool. The president's deeply religious. I don't need to tell you. His work with the Baptists, the Catholic League. And my church. He also spent months traveling around the country discouraging abortion. Hang on. He never said... It's not the government's place to legislate but he plays his role as a moral leader. Something which cost him dearly in the campaign. Why does he demonize us as a group? Your group has plenty of demons. Every group has demons. I know, I'm in the Democratic Party. Everyone in the Christian Right isn't the same. When you stand that close to Marsh and Van Dyke they paint you with the same brush. I need them for muscle. No, you don't, but you're in a tough spot. - I'm not looking for a holy war. - I know, Al. We can keep this from escalating beyond a woman being angry at getting her hair messed up. There you go. It wasn't a little deal. You need to take me seriously. You don't think we take this seriously? Yesterday, the president ordered me to fire Josh Lyman. I'm trying to talk him out of it. He'll be here in 10 minutes. Who knows if Josh still has a job? How much more seriously can we take it? - It's regrettable. - Yes, it is. Anyway, I'm glad Toby organized your meeting this afternoon. So am I. - Can I come in? - Sure. - Nice apartment. - You saw it last night. I really like it. It makes very good use of space. The ladle on the pegboards. It didn't come with the apartment. It's mine. - Right. - Yes. - Can I ask...? - Am I a hooker? What I was going to say is this: In addition to being a law student and part-time bartender are you what I am certain would be a very high-priced call girl? I make no judgments. But with my job... Yeah. - Yes? - Yes. I'm sorry. I should have told you. - I wanted you to like me. - I do. I have to go. My pager. Thanks. - I don't know how often you get up... - Sam, go. You don't know who I am. There are people who'd pay to try to... I know. Go. It's okay. Reverend Caldwell, if you would step in here. Excuse me. We'll be a minute. Everyone have a seat. Everybody, nicely and quietly take a seat. - Put it on. - No! You've worn those clothes for 31 hours. I'm not sprucing up for them. All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt. Bonnie? Tell Toby he's changing his shirt. Right. - You're late. - I'm having a weird day. The class is waiting in the Roosevelt Room. - I don't know what to say. - Tell them about the building. I don't know about the building. - Fake it. - I can't. Which one's Leo's daughter? What does she look like? - I don't know. - Thank you for all your help. Sure. - Sorry I'm late. - Mr. Seaborn, Mallory O'Brian. These fourth-graders wrote essays on visiting the White House. That's great. Why don't we get started? I'm Sam Seaborn, the deputy communications director. What does that mean, exactly? I'm a counselor to the president on domestic matters, not security related. I work with the communications director and press secretary to get our message out through the media. While my role here is seen as politically skewed remember, it's not the DNC, but your taxes that pay my salary. So I work for you, whether you voted for us or not. How about some history? Sure. I graduated law school and started at Dewey Ballantine... Actually, I meant a history of the building. - The White House? - Yes. The White House was built several years ago mostly, if I'm not mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in, the Roosevelt Room, is famous. It is named after our 18th president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The chairs were made from a pirate ship captured during the... Kids, I need to talk with Mr. Seaborn. Sit tight for a second. Hi. Are you a moron? - In this area, yes. - The 18th president was Grant. This room was named for Theodore. - There's a painting of him in there. - I should've figured it out. I can speak with authority on many things, but not about the White House. The deputy communications director can't talk about the White House? - It's ironic. - I don't believe it. Can you tell me which one of those kids is Leo McGarry's daughter? - Why? - If I make sure she's having fun it might make my life easier. These children worked hard. I don't want to make your life easier. Please believe me when I say I'm a nice guy having a bad day. The Times says many Americans feel the White House is unfocused. There's footage of the president riding into a tree. We're fishing for Cubans but the governor of Florida wants a blockade. My friend is about to get fired. And I accidentally slept with a prostitute. Please tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter. That would be me. - You? - Yes. Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class. This is bad on so many levels. She'll try and bait you. - Lloyd Russell. That'll last. - Listen to me. - They want you to sound arrogant. - That's easy. We apologize. We're running a bit late today. Good afternoon. - How's the president? - Mild sprain. He's fine. John Van Dyke. Everybody, sit. I'm happy you could be here today. The president makes a usual Sunday radio address. - In a few weeks, he's... - If I could interrupt. Christian and family-oriented organizations while embraced by many Americans have been met with hostility by their government. Yesterday morning on a television program that contempt was given a voice and a face and a name. - I'm referring to you. - Glad you brought it up. I'm surprised. I counted you as a friend. And I'm honored by that. When I spoke on the program yesterday I didn't speak for the president. That's important. Please allow me to apologize. My remarks were insulting. I went for a cheap laugh. Anybody willing to debate ideas deserves more than a punch line. Mary, I apologize. Good, then. Let's deal. - I'm sorry? - What do we get? - For what? - Insulting millions. - Like Josh said... - I heard. What do we get? - An apology. - Sunday's address. School prayer or pornography. Pick. - School prayer or porn? - On every corner. - I know. - Condoms in the schools. - What? - Condoms in schools. - That's a problem. - What? They reduce the risk of teen pregnancy and AIDS. So does abstinence. A teenager sees a condom, he turns to lust. Show him a lug wrench, and he... School prayer, pornography, condoms. What's it gonna be? We're not prepared to make a deal right now. Sure we are. Mary... You're cleaning out your desk at the end of the day. I'll negotiate with Toby, if it's all the same. It was only a matter of time. That New York sense of humor... They think they're smarter. But nobody else does. I'm actually from Connecticut. But the point is... She meant Jewish. "New York sense of humor. " - She meant you and me. - Let's not even go there. There's been an apology. Let's move on. I want to know why we hear so much about amendments but not the Commandments. - I don't like what I'm accused of. - That's tough. First Commandment is, "Honor thy father. " No, it isn't. If we're going through this preposterous exercise we're gonna get the Commandments right! It's the third commandment. - And the first? - "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me. " Those were the days. - Good afternoon, Mr. President. - Al. - What do you got here, C.J.? - We've got some hot tempers. - I'm John Van Dyke. - Yes. Reverend? May I ask you a question? If children can buy pornography anywhere for $5 isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech? - Really? - However I do think $5 is too high a price for pornography. - Why don't we sit down? - No. They won't be staying long. Some coffee, Mr. Lewis? I've asked you to denounce the practices of a group called the "Lambs of God. " - It's not up to me. - Crap. It is up to you. My wife never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Years ago, I came home from a very bad day. I say I'm going for a drive. I get in the car, put it in reverse, and pull out full speed. But I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey said not to drive angry. She was right. She said not to get on that bicycle while I was upset, but I did. I was about as angry as I've ever been. Seems my granddaughter had given an interview in a teen magazine. Between movie stars and makeup she talked about a woman's right to choose. Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious. She's got a good head on her shoulders. Her mother called me in tears. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie. " I love my family, I've read my Bible cover to cover, so you tell me: From what part of Scripture did the Lambs of God draw their inspiration when they sent my granddaughter a doll with a knife stuck through its throat? You'll denounce these people publicly. Until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. Show these people out. - I believe we can find the door. - Find it now. - We'll fix this, Leo. - See that you do. - I was the calmest person in the room. - Way to stay cool. I won't auction off the Bill of Rights. You almost hit her. - She called us New York Jews. - I'm from Connecticut. You, C.J., were brilliant. I liked the part where you said nothing at all. All I could think about was Russell and your girlfriend. - Mandy and Lloyd Russell? - "Hello, Mr. President! Did you have a nice trip, sir? How's the ankle, sir?" We've been taking a little break, thinking about our personal lives or thinking about keeping our jobs. It's not a bad idea to take a break every now and then. I know how hard you all work. One time Annie came to me with this press clipping. Some theologians in South America were excited because a little girl in Chile sliced a tomato and the inside flesh had actually formed a perfect rosary. The theologians thought this was a very impressive girl. Annie commented that she thought it was a very impressive tomato. Don't know why I thought of that. Intelligence reports 1200 Cubans left Havana this morning. Approximately 700 turned back due to weather. Some 350 are missing and presumed dead. 137 have been taken into custody in Miami and are seeking asylum. They came through a storm. The ones that didn't die want a better life, and they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: Break's over. - Thank you, Mr. President. - Thank you, sir. "Too busy being indicted for tax fraud"? Don't ever do it again. Yes, sir. Mrs. Landingham, what's next? Thomas and the majority leader would like a conference. A group's assembling for a photo op. At 7:00, you have cocktails.... In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups, the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Hey, we're the first ones here. That's because the ticket counter doesn't open till 8:30. Well, at least we won't have to stand in line. No, we can stand by ourselves for an hour and a half. I need a restroom. Hey, kids, look. This is called, uh, Castle Clinton. It's an old naval fort. It's the President's fort? No, it's named after, um... I don't know who. But not the President. Oh, there's the restroom. They should name that after the President. It's locked. Gary, we're goin' back to the hotel. Shane, come on. Shane, don't look at her. No, she's just sleeping. No, she isn't. Her head's all messed up. Oh, my God. Come on, let's go. We better get a policeman. Gimme a big beauty shot of the gun with the hand. Is this what I think it is? Yeah. One lonely Saturday night too many. Slug chipped General Booth over there and dug itself into a tree. No suicide note, no ID. Any idea how long she's been here? Ah, rigor's already set in. Maybe, uh, six-to-eight hours. There's not a lot of blood. Well, it probably soaked into the ground. Just for drill, test her hand for gunpowder. I'd hate to think I got up this early on a Sunday morning for a suicide. Sorry. I missed the "Do Not Disturb" sign on your pager. That's okay, I enjoy the view. Ellis Island. Statue of Liberty. "Huddled masses yearning to breathe free. " Or not. The reason you didn't find much blood on the ground is that most of it's still inside her. She was already dead when she was shot. Suffocated. With enough force to break her nose. There were no signs of sexual trauma. Drug panel was positive for low levels of alcohol and fluoxetine hydrochloride. Prozac. How old? Twenties? Mid-to-late thirties. Wow. No kidding? It's the skin. I'd kill for skin like that. Yeah? You sure you weren't in Battery Park around midnight? I was salsa dancing at the Copa. And according to her body temperature, this lady wasn't outside more than a couple of hours. Got a hit on her prints. Janine McBride, 36. That lovely lady has a sheet? No, she's got a Federal security clearance. She was a deputy director with the Social Security Administration in Baltimore. That's a long commute. She's got an address down there. Well, you know the drill. Give our friends a call. No boyfriend shirts, no boyfriend pants. Does every girl gotta have a boyfriend? Murdered ones do. Significant others is the number one cause of death among women. No party hats. Where do you keep yours, Sheppard? Next to my bed, in a gumball machine. Mom and Dad. Vivian and James McBride. West 96th St. New York City. Car key. Beemer. The Baltimore Police told us her car has been missing from her garage since Saturday night. We just talked to her on Thursday. She would have told us if she were coming up to visit. Did she have a boyfriend? No. I don't think so. Do you know why she was on medication? She had a prescription for Prozac. We didn't know. Well, we knew she was upset about her job. Why is that? Up until a couple of months ago, she was working for the White House. For the Council of Economic Advisors. So Baltimore wasn't exactly a step up. No. Did she have any friends here? Anyone she would have called? Ned Burks. She went out with him for a few years. She broke up with him nearly two years ago. She wouldn't call him. Why'd you mention him? He's called me a few times in the last month asking about Janine. He was always nice to her, but I don't know. The last time he called? A week ago. He asked me for a job referral. He was in Asian hedge funds. He got clobbered. It doesn't make sense. Who would do this to her? That's what we're tryin' to find out. Where were you Saturday night? I was home. I was on the phone. Hong Kong, Manila, trying to drum up business. We saw you have a permit for a handgun. A.357. Yes. For my country house. And as of last month, I don't have the country house anymore. Look, I wouldn't hurt Janine. I cared about her. So we heard. You've been calling her folks, keeping tabs on her... It's not like that. Then what is it like? When Janine and I were going out, we had dinner with them a couple of times a week. They've always treated me like family. And now that things are a little unsteady for you, you reached out to them. Yeah, something like that. You reach out to Janine? I called her last month. She wasn't home. I didn't have her work number. Would've been nice to get back with her, yeah? I don't know if that was in the cards. Why not? I asked her a few times to marry me. Uh, she never came out and said no. I thought there might still be a chance to prove to her I could be everything she wanted. They got a Beemer. On Stone St., five blocks from the park. We ran her plastic. She bought gas in Jersey City just off the Turnpike, ten-minutes-to-five, Sunday morning. Which is pretty amazing, considering she'd been dead for five hours. Mr. Burks' alibi? LUDs confirm he was on the phone on and off till 4:20 in the morning. That pretty much eliminates him. Baltimore to Jersey City is, what, about a four-hour drive? Give or take. Well, that puts the murder scene back in Baltimore's lap. It's like I told you and, uh, cutie-pie, here. Detective cutie-pie. Yeah, right. Miss McBride's car was here Saturday afternoon, and it wasn't here Saturday night. What time again Saturday night? Maybe 10:30. You told us 10:00. Give or take. What am I, Swiss? Who has the spot next to her? The Conways. They went to, uh, Pompano for the winter two weeks ago. Munch, what do these look like to you? The blood drops are the same type, same PGM, and same antigen as McBride's blood. Probably from the broken nose she got when she was suffocated. In her parking garage. Looking more like Baltimore's problem. And we've got nothing off the fingerprints. But Baltimore got a hit off the serial number of the gun. It's registered to a Eugene Lee in Timonium, Maryland. Reported stolen two years ago. Definitely Baltimore's problem. Someone went to a lot of trouble to drop the body off on our doorstep. Wouldn't you like to know why? Well, I'm sure Lieutenant Giardello will call me with all the fascinating details. Right now, it's looking like a robbery-carjack. We don't know for sure where she was killed. You claiming joint jurisdiction? She was a high-level federal bureaucrat. A GS-15. If we let this slip through our fingers, we could end up lookin' like idiots. We're still goin' with the perp being somebody she knew. Either a boyfriend or somebody bucking for the job. You workin' the address book? We couldn't come up with a boyfriend or anybody who saw her Saturday night. We luminoled the bed. Zip for bodily fluids. We found blonde hair. She was blonde, right? Top and bottom. That's what I missed about you, Lennie. Your succinctness. Access denied. Bill Gates is messing with my head. Click on Utilities. No, I'm not familiar with this password program. Must be something new the Feds are using. The lab can figure it out. Where's Munch? In the bedroom with Lennie. Those two can't keep their hands off each other. Guess that means we're workin' together. Last time, I had Falsone. This is a big improvement. You think? You're taller. The place is negative for condoms or any kind of contraceptive devices. Ditto peek-a-boo bras, merry widows, any Doc Johnson products. This lady had no discernible sex life. Maybe she enjoyed solitaire. That would be a shame, because I saw her picture. She isn't half-bad. Uh, can you... Can you get that? What, under there? Forget it. Never mind. Oh... Mmm! Personal lubricant. Cherry flavor. Yummy! Solitaire's more fun with two players. This is her office. Janine was such a private person. And here she turns up, splashed across the news. We were shocked. She'd only been transferred here a couple of months ago. We heard she wasn't too happy about it. I could never understand why. She got a raise, more responsibility. She just said she missed Washington. Any particular person in Washington? That never came up. How about somebody here? She brought a date to a couple of functions. A good-looking man. Works for Senator Romney's office here. Um, Nelson. Brett Nelson. Just a casual date? Mmm, no. But she told me she didn't know if it was going anywhere. Did she want it to? Well, I got the impression that she cared more about him than he cared about her. She tell you that? I overheard her on the phone with him. Must have been a couple of weeks ago. She was upset. Crying. Janine was just a girlfriend. There was nothing special going on. You slept with her? Yes. So what? Any chance she misread the signals? No, she wasn't that naive. Guys usually keep their fingers crossed when they say that. When the two of you shacked up, whose place was it, yours or hers? Either one. All right. On, uh, Saturday night? Saturday night I had chicken and mashed potatoes at the American Legion. The Senator announced new defense contracts for local businesses. What time did you leave? Uh, maybe 10:00, quarter past. Where'd you go? Uh, I rented a video. Jules and Jim. Then I went home. What about Sunday morning? I went jogging. I think I've told you everything you need to know. If you'll excuse me. I took Jeremy for a walk at 5:00 Sunday morning. Again at 7:00, at 9:00, and at 11:00. Thirsty little guy, huh? He has bladder problems. Anyway, I didn't notice if Nelson was at home. He said he went jogging. Well, if he was at home, I don't think he went out. And why is that? His newspaper was still out front at 11:00. You sure? Oh, yes. Because I took it. I don't know what time I came back. I don't wear my watch when I jog. Then what? You read the Sunday paper at home? Yes. The paper you get delivered? Yes, the paper I get delivered. The paper your neighbor stole from you? Look, I didn't kill Janine. I didn't see her Saturday or Sunday. Then we need to know why you've lied to us. I have not lied. I saw the paper was gone, so I bought one on the way home. You told us you rented a movie on Saturday night. The video store has you renting it Saturday afternoon. Yes, but I exchanged it Saturday night for another copy. The tape was defective. That's what I meant. They don't keep a record if you exchange it for the same movie. So don't tell me I've lied to you. I wasn't with Janine. I was home. I'm still getting a twitch from this guy. It's got nothing to do with McBride. I think he's gay. Why? Because he didn't come on to you? I didn't come on to you. Yeah, whatever you say. Look, just because I opened your door doesn't mean I'm flirting with you, Rene. It's just my upbringing. Besides, I'm very married. You know what my mother says? What's that? That most men cheat. And the ones that don't are just afraid to. So, adulterers or cowards, huh? You have the same high opinion of men as your mother does? I'm a romantic. I'm still hoping to find a man I can trust. As for Nelson, he gave himself away. He was checking you out. Mr. Nelson, we'd like to believe you didn't hurt Janine, but our gut tells us you're lying to us. As long as we have that feeling we're not letting go of you. The longer you're a suspect, the more you become an object of public curiosity. Listen to me. Your whole life will be out in the open. But if you want to come clean with us now, nobody'll be the wiser. I don't want the Senator embarrassed. So where were you Saturday night? I was at a friend's house. You understand we'll have to verify that. His name is Dennis Jasper. What was your relationship with Janine? She needed a date for official functions so she called a friend-of-a-friend in DC. Did she know you were gay? That was the point. She didn't want any misunderstandings. Mr. Jasper confirmed Nelson's alibi. Janine McBride's gay, too? Mutual friend she had with Nelson confirmed it. So, beating around the wrong bush. A man still could have done it. Some rejected suitor venting his heterosexual rage. Ah, Nelson feels pretty sure that if McBride had a problem with anybody she would've mentioned it to him. Did he know if she had a lover? She never mentioned anyone to him. Well, that lubricant wasn't for squeaky bedsprings. Anybody check her phone records? Yeah. Since she moved to Baltimore, calls to her parents, to work, to DC, various government offices. Lots of those... Well, assuming the suspect is one of McBride's lovers, we start with the local lesbian bars. John, I'm sure you have a list. As a matter of fact... I've never seen her here. You sure she was gay? I don't believe a woman is gay until she personally rejects me. You must know a lot of lesbians. Thanks, ladies. Lennie, there's gotta be ten women for every woman in this place. And all gorgeous. And happy. As soon as they invent artificial sperm and a machine that opens jars, you and I are outta business, old buddy. Yeah, her name is Jean or something like that, right? Janine. You know her? From DC. I used to work there. And she's been in here a couple of times. Alone? Yes. Left the same way. Did she patronize any of the other clubs? She wasn't into the scene in Baltimore. She cruised the clubs in DC. Did she talk to anyone when she came in here? No. She'd have a drink, use the phone, have another drink, use the phone again. Not what you'd call a happy little Mouseketeer. I know who guys call from bars. Mistresses, bookies... Hookers, drug connections... Yeah, but who do lesbians call? You know, we're suckin' wind here. The barkeep didn't even remember the last time McBride was in there. John, John. Perseverance. That's what makes a great detective. What makes a great detective is a great snitch. The lab got into McBride's computer. Most of it was work-related, personal finances. But there was this. A draft of an unaddressed letter. "Since I've been unable to get redress through "normal channels, I must resort to "a personal communication with you. "As you are well aware, my transfer to Baltimore has "completely overwhelmed me. "It is unfair and unwarranted. You and "I both know the personal issue "that led to this transfer. "Unless the situation is rectified to my satisfaction, "I warn you, I will go public. "I will name names. " Looks like they rectified the situation to their satisfaction. Here we go again. The Manchurian Candidate was a work of non-fiction, Lennie. Anybody know a good hotel in DC? It's all yours, Lennie. I better get back to my family. I might as well get back into rotation. Dibs on the right side of the bed. You know what the holdup is? Me. I'm a security risk. You're a cop. Before I got on the team, I was down for the revolution, Lennie. I was a street fighting man. I made a Freedom of Information request for my fbi files two months ago. They're probably still figuring out how many 18-wheelers it's gonna take to get it to my mailbox. I'm on their books as an enemy of the state. I might as well have stayed home. Sirs, you've been cleared to go in. Mrs. Palnick's office is on the third floor. Thanks. You're welcome. I'm very sorry you had to wait. I needed the okay from next door to talk to you. With the Independent Counsel tossing subpoenas left and right, everyone's very careful whom they talk to. Well, we're just here on a nice simple murder. No high crimes or misdemeanors. What exactly does the Council of Economic Advisors do? Engineer the collapse of the ruble? No. Please, sit. We collect newspaper and magazine articles on relevant business issues. Why was Ms. McBride transferred to Baltimore? Her position here became redundant. Her name went back in the hat. Just the standard red tape. Well, according to a letter we found, she was under the impression that she was moved because of a personal issue. What issue? She was gay. Oh. No, I hardly consider that an issue. Everyone knew. People who think somebody's out to get them are usually right. Well, I can see why Janine might have felt that. A few months ago, I got an anonymous call from a man. He was obviously upset. He told me that Janine was a lesbian, which wasn't news to me. He accused her of soliciting sex from some of our junior employees. Did you tell Ms. McBride about the call? Yes. She said it was someone who was stalking her. I told her to report it to the police. I don't think she listened. This man, did he give the name of the junior employees? Mmm-hmm. He mentioned three names, I talked to them. They denied Janine ever had any improper dealings with them. Well, we'll need to ask them if they know who this stalker is. Right. Uh... Susan Tremar took a private sector job in Los Angeles. Connie Morris is on maternity leave in St. Louis. But Katherine Raynor works across the street in the Chief of Staff's office. There you go. Uh, I only have, like, half-an-hour for lunch, and I still have to get a yogurt. So... We appreciate you're taking the time. Uh, I just want to know how my name came up. I mean, a murder... That's just... That's, I don't know, it's crazy. Well, an allegation was made that Ms. McBride sexually harassed you. Okay, that's a joke. It never... Who told you that? Ms. Palnick. Well, I told her it wasn't true. Just because I was friendly with Janine doesn't mean there was anything weird going on. Who would make an allegation like that? Some prejudiced person who doesn't like gays or wanted Janine's job. You ever discuss this with Janine over yogurt? Ms. Palnick told me not to. Besides, Janine and I only talked about our parents and clothes and guys. Guys? People are people. Janine gave me advice about relationships. Does anyone else know you're talking to me? No, it's just our little secret. Did she ever mention that she might be having a problem with somebody stalking her? Uh, yeah. She said there was some creep bothering her. Her neighbor in her old building, he's fbi. She asked him to talk to the guy. I spoke to him as a private citizen, not in my official capacity. I was just being a good neighbor. Do you know why he was harassing her? No. And I didn't get into it with him. We had a very short conversation. Did the trick. Apparently not. Ms. McBride was found murdered in New York last week. And you suspect this person? We just need to have a longer talk with him. Uh, if you could just give us his name. I better run it by my station chief. Don't get any ideas. This is our case. I'll convey that to him. Now, if you gentlemen will just wait here. Uh, one more thing. I sent away for my fbi file under the Freedom of Information Act. Seeing as I'm here, any chance I could pick it up? My assistant might be able to help you. He's not gonna give us the name, Lennie. The cone of silence is descending on our little investigation. It's just the usual cover-my-ass shuffle. You think that. In the meantime, the phone is ringing in the Big Apple, in Charm City... The hook is poised to yank us off the case. Would a cup of coffee make you even more paranoid? We located your file, Mr. Munch. If you'll just sign here. Uh, we have a mid-sized car. I'm concerned it won't fit in the trunk. You shouldn't have a problem. And, uh, this is from Agent Hardin. It's the name you wanted. Thank you. And the lucky stalker is Frank Willington. Works at the Pentagon. This is spooky, Lennie. What? My file, where's the rest of it? It's page one of one. Well, this can't be everything, Lennie. I mean, I was a dangerous radical, left-wing journalist... "Subject is an occasional reporter and music critic for "the alternative weekly, The Paper. "Field interviews reveal that, while vocal, subject is "considered a dilettante and "a non-entity in local radical politics. "In our evaluation, subject poses no threat. " Well, better luck come the next revolution, John. I was not stalking her. It just got blown out of proportion. Well, what exactly were you doing? I just had to talk to her. Why? She owe you money? You lent her a book? You knew her from a previous life? It was a private matter. Frank, we know she hit from the other side of the plate. Look, I have stayed away from Janine McBride. I haven't phoned her. I haven't talked to her. You been to Baltimore lately? Yes. Every other week on business. How about a week ago last Saturday night? I was at the movies with my kids. Then we went home. Can your wife verify that? My wife, she's not staying with us. It's temporary. I don't want you bothering her. Either your wife or your kids, Frank, somebody has to corroborate your story. You just stay away from my family. I'm going back to work. You just stay away from us. The wife? Uh... Fay Willington, Assistant Deputy Under-Secretary, Department of Labor. It's a trial separation. Frank and I just need a time-out. He's a pretty intense guy. Why would you say that? Just a hunch. What was his relationship with Janine McBride? None. I mean... We only knew her socially. Any idea why he was harassing her two months ago? I'm sure he wasn't. Anything to do with why you're separated? I only agreed to talk about my husband. Fine, your husband. Do you know where he was Saturday night two weeks ago? Took our children to see a movie. He was home after that. And where were you? I was at my apartment. But you happen to know that he was home with the kids in Georgetown? I talked to him when the kids called to say good night, around 10:30. How do you know he didn't go out after that? Well, I called Frank. Just after midnight. I had to remind him that Daniel's soccer game... We can pull your phone records, Mrs. Willington. Find out if you really did make that call. You sure you didn't just imagine it? I want to talk to my lawyer. She's already upstairs. Her lawyer practically brought her in with a coat over her head. Sounds a little overcautious. In the land of the Red Mass and programed assassins, paranoia is a healthy response. The Red Mass? The secret Catholic Mass held for the Supreme Court the Sunday before their session. All the justices dress in red for the occasion. I'm intrigued you haven't heard of it, Counselor. Room 1215. I don't want to talk. I don't even want to be here. Just so you understand. I can have you arrested and held until you change your mind. She's not a material witness. I'm saying she is. We need an absolute guarantee her identity will be protected. We can do that. But if it goes to trial, she'll have to testify. I don't want my children to know. Best we can do in the event of a trial is ask the judge to close the courtroom for your testimony. I had an affair, with Janine McBride. That's why Frank harassed her. That's why we separated. If this comes out... We're not that far north of the Bible Belt. She's afraid she'll lose custody of her kids. She said her husband knows. He thinks it's a phase. But it isn't? No. Did he kill Janine McBride? No. How can you be sure? You don't know where he was late Saturday night. I know where Janine was. I was at a club. Talullah's. I ran into her in the parking lot. She had a young black woman in the car with her. Very attractive. Very... Hard looking. Probably a prostitute. And Janine drove off with her. We'll need you to look at mug shots. See if you can pick her out. All right. Please, you have to promise to keep my name out of this. We'll do everything we can. Here's your girl. Chesley Purcell, 28 and multiple convictions. Solicitation, possession with intent, larceny. She used to be one of Marion's party girls. Where can we find her? Well, she's on parole from an assault two. Let's see what the report says. Last known... She's one of yours, bud. She relocated to Baltimore eight months ago. - Police! Don't move! - Freeze! Hey, hey, hey! What'd I do? What'd I do? Where is she? Where's Chesley? She ain't here! Don't shoot! Who are you? I'm her cousin, Leon. I came up from Alpharetta two weeks ago. Well, cousin Leon, you better tell me where she's at. North. She went to New York City. Where? Give me an address. I don't know an address. She called me. She had me put a suitcase on a bus. When? Yesterday. I sent it to the bus station in New York. I want extradition papers drawn up as soon as possible. The name is Chesley, with an E-Y, Purcell. Thanks, Rey. Yeah, get back to me as soon as you know, all right? Curtis checked with the bus company. The suitcase is still at the Port Authority. He's got a team sitting' on it. We need to get Willington's statement under oath. Good. We need to act fast and quietly, before Purcell knows she's in our sights. Cousin Leon doesn't know any of her friends. But he saw her with a .38 four days before McBride was killed. I want him kept in isolation. Mike Giardello wants us to call him and keep him in the loop. Lost platoon. Hold on. It's for you, Counselor. This is Jack McCoy. I have a plane in an hour and a half. Right. We'll be downstairs. William Dell, the Independent Counsel, wants to see us. It appears she met the wrong person in a bar. The police have identified the suspect. We expect an arrest any day. I am told that you're relying on a statement and an identification by one of Ms. McBride's friends. I'd like a look at that statement. Why? It might be relevant to my investigation. I'd also appreciate it if you made the witness available. With all due respect, Mr. Dell, we're not ready to do that until the suspect's in custody. Mr. Danvers, I'm trying to be courteous. You're required to comply with any request from an Independent Counsel. We don't want to run the risk of compromising our investigation. We secured the witness's cooperation with a promise to preserve her anonymity. That's a very unrealistic promise. It was ours to make. We intend to live up to it. Aren't you charged with investigating financial misdealings by the administration? How does Janine McBride figure into that? The street only runs one way, Mr. Danvers. You tell me what you know. If you're not familiar with the Independent Counsel statute... I know the statute. I also know about the leaks of grand jury testimony from your office. The Justice Department is investigating your investigation. Mr. McCoy... Speaking for myself, I'm not putting my witness and my murder case in jeopardy just to satisfy your curiosity. I have to follow Mr. McCoy's lead on this. Mr. McCoy's lead? Mr. Lewin. Your full name is John James McCoy? Yes. What's this? I'm subpoenaing you before my grand jury. You're asking me to quash the Independent Counsel's subpoena? Mr. McCoy, the statute specifically gives him unfettered subpoena power. Except where, quote, "the interests ofjustice and privilege may apply. " Apprehending and convicting a murderer must take precedence over whatever it is Mr. Dell has been investigating these last four years. The Attorney General of the United States deems my inquiry to be in the national interest. That interest cannot be superseded by some parochial concern. If Janine McBride's murder is a parochial concern, why is the Independent Counsel so interested in it? That's a question I don't have to answer. Mr. McCoy, I don't see how giving him what he wants would imperil your prosecution. I can't take the chance of finding what I tell his grand jury on the front page of the Post. You'll have to, Mr. McCoy. If you'll allow me, Your Honor, I'm not done. I'm invoking the work-product privilege. The documents Mr. Dell wants were created by me and Mr. Danvers in anticipation of a trial. Two presidents asserted executive privilege to defy an independent counsel's subpoena. The Supreme Court shot them down. Even they had to submit. Now, is Mr. McCoy placing his privilege above the President's? Only an independent counsel would be that arrogant, Mr. Dell. Your Honor, Mr. McCoy can avoid appearing before the grand jury if he will just turn over the witness's statement. That's no choice at all. From how I read the statute, it's the only one you have. Your motion to quash is denied. Either you give him the information he wants, or you appear before his grand jury. I'll look forward to your decision, Mr. McCoy. He's already deposed Jamie Ross about my run-in with the Disciplinary Committee. Now I hear he's deposed Diane Hawthorne. Oh, boy. Someone fill me in here. Who's Diane Hawthorne? She was an A.D.A. I had a relationship with her. Well, now you know what Mr. Dell's going to ask at the grand jury. He's going to roast your pistachios. He's trying to bully me. And now you know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Except, unlike Mr. Dell I don't have unlimited time and money. I have other cases. You don't like the Independent Counsel because he's independent? I don't like him lousing up my murder case. By giving him what he wants? I made an agreement with a witness. It's not binding. You're scheduled to go before the grand jury day after tomorrow. What if the police can't find Miss Purcell by then? I'm not answering any question that'll compromise my case. Contempt of a federal grand jury. Good plan. I hope for your sake Miss Purcell shows up soon for her suitcase. She claimed it about twenty minutes ago. Our team moved in when they were about to lose her in the subway. She won't even give us her name. What is she, 12, 13? Yeah, usual junk in her pockets. Gum, subway tokens, couple of dozen POGs in a plastic bag. My kids used to collect them. Mine still do. Couple of these look like they were made at the corner bodega for the neighborhood kids. Oh, great. You made her cry. She won't talk. We can always wait her out. Hey, sooner or later, Purcell's gonna notice the kid didn't get back with her suitcase. Any way to trace the pogs? Sure. Could take a day or two. Better if it takes one. Jack goes in front of the grand jury tomorrow. The eyewitness saw her with the suspect, at a club in Washington, on the night that she was killed. Did the police question anyone at the Council of Economic Advisors? Yes. Ms. McBride's former boss, Judy Palnick. Any other former colleagues? Yes. An assistant, Katherine Raynor. Ms. Raynor presently works in the office of Deputy White House Chief of Staff Carla Bernardi. What was the substance of her statement to the police? Ms. McBride had been accused of improper conduct toward Ms. Raynor. Ms. Raynor denied any such conduct occurred. What kind of conduct? Sexual harassment. Was Ms. McBride a lesbian? Yes, according to the people who knew her. Did she have a relationship with Ms. Raynor? Not to our knowledge. With anyone within the administration? Again, not to our knowledge. With anyone within the government? Mr. Dell, we didn't make a point of cataloging Ms. McBride's sexual encounters. That's not what I asked. I'm directing you to answer. I know what you asked. I gave you my answer. At this point, Mr. McCoy, I remind you that any failure to answer can be construed as obstruction ofjustice, which is an underlying element to a charge of conspiracy. I want you to be clear about that, Mr. McCoy. Yeah, these four are mine. Kids come in and buy $5 worth of candy, and I give them one. My wife came up with that idea. This girl ever buy candy from you? Yeah. Yeah, I recognize her. Her name's Ashley. I don't know her family name. She's okay, isn't she? She's fine. You know where she lives? Yeah. Building over on 144th with an aunt. Sometimes an uncle. Lot of people coming and going. I hear it's mostly pipeheads. She ever mention anybody from out of town staying with them? Somebody from Baltimore? No. But a few days ago, she came in asking for a six-pack of Natty Boh. I told her we don't carry it. National Bohemian. That beer from Baltimore. Thanks. Since the suspect is still at large, I must respectfully decline to answer your question. Can you at least tell us if the suspect is a current or former employee of any branch of the government? No. Not so far as we've been able to determine. This eyewitness who identified the suspect, are they a current or former employee of any branch of the government? A current employee. Please name the witness and describe the specifics of their statement to the police. For the reasons that I have given before, and with all due respect to the grand jurors, I'm not going to answer that. Mr. McCoy, Judge Chilvers of the DC Circuit ordered you to answer my questions. She ordered me to appear before the grand jury. I made a deal to preserve my witness's anonymity. I see no compelling reason to go back on my word. I'm sure the grand jurors understand that prosecutors must honor agreements with witnesses. I didn't allow you to make a statement, Mr. McCoy. I ask you again. I already gave you my answer! Mr. McCoy, what are you hiding? Nothing. I'm simply trying to discharge my duties as a prosecutor for New York County. Your duties? Mr. McCoy, weren't you called before the Disciplinary Committee of the New York Bar Association for withholding a witness statement in a murder case? I ultimately offered that statement at trial. That wasn't my question. Yes, I appeared before the Disciplinary Committee. Isn't it true a fellow A.D.A., Diane Hawthorne, illegally withheld exculpatory evidence in a case you were both prosecuting which led to the conviction of an innocent man? Yes. I had no knowledge of that, and furthermore... This A.D.A. was one of your lovers, isn't that right? Now, you just hold on. A simple yes or no, Mr. McCoy. I can't see any possible relevance... I see in your record a disturbing pattern of perjury, contempt of court, obstruction ofjustice. I want to know what it is you're hiding, Mr. McCoy, and why. I answered that. Not to my satisfaction. One of the principal investigators in Janine McBride's murder is Detective Leonard Briscoe, is that right? Yes. The same Detective Briscoe who was investigated by the Hellman Commission for destroying evidence in a drug case? Why don't you tell the grand jury he was cleared of that? Just a moment, Mr. McCoy. And whose daughter was murdered after testifying in the trial of a drug dealer? What are you insinuating? His involvement in this case raises serious concerns about the integrity of your investigation. Detective Briscoe is above reproach. You're hardly an impartial witness. Wasn't he a passenger in a car driven by another one of your lovers at the D.A.'s office when she was killed? Wasn't he drunk at the time? The accident report indicates that he was. Now, one last time, Mr. McCoy, what is the name of your witness, and what did they tell the police? Mr. Dell, have you no shame? Have you no shame? What I have is little patience for people who stonewall me. I direct you to answer. Mr. McCoy? I'm going back to New York, Mr. Dell. I've got work to do. Officer, place this man in custody. All right, freeze! Police! Freeze! All right, all right. Cuff her feet. Take it easy. I got her. Ah... Here's what she was going for. You're one bad girl, Chesley. I am quite prepared to cite you, Mr. McCoy, unless you answer his questions. I'm sorry, Your Honor. There's no legitimate basis for his questions. Mr. Dell isn't searching for truth, he's trading in character assassination. Your Honor, I'm going to seek charges against Mr. McCoy for obstruction ofjustice and conspiracy to obstruct. I want him held. Mr. McCoy, you are putting me in a very difficult situation. Yes? A Ms. Carmichael called from Mr. McCoy's office. She insisted I give you this message. Your Honor, I'm ready to answer one of Mr. Dell's questions. The suspect is in custody. Her name is Chesley Purcell. She's being held for interrogation. That's not good enough, Your Honor. I want the name of the witness. What can the witness give you that the suspect can't? I'm going to reserve decision on the contempt charges. You may go, Mr. McCoy. Thank you, Your Honor. We have hair and fiber evidence from McBride's car, we have McBride's credit cards in your apartment, and we have eyewitnesses. You're facing charges in two jurisdictions, honey. Not to mention the attempted murder of a police officer. That's what you get on the play for the shotgun. Your only choice is to make a statement, and cut the best deal you can. Can you get them to open up a window? All these dicks are stinking up the room. If I were you, I'd get that attitude out of your ears and listen to what the man has to offer you. Aren't you some tall, cool glass of lemonade. How'd I miss you in Balto? What kind of deal are you talking about? We make the attempted murder go away. She does twenty-to-life for the murder. I want a card. A get-out-of-jail-free card. Jack. Mr. Danvers. These gentlemen are with the fbi. They've been sent here by the office of the Independent Counsel. Dell's asserting jurisdiction over the case. He got a federal court order to bring Purcell back to Washington. What are they going to do, spirit her out of the country? He's claiming her as a witness. He means to put her in front of his grand jury. The only way he gets her to talk is with an offer of immunity. Meaning we won't be able to touch her. She's a witness to what? I read the supporting affidavits to the court order. Dell claims Purcell has damaging information about McBride's relations with various prominent government figures, including Fay Willington. How the hell did he find out about Fay Willington? An FBI source. Agent Michael Giardello. Dell has a court order. You can't ignore it. Let him take Purcell. In the morning, you find a judge and appeal. Best that you can do. I pity those guys. That lady's gonna curl their shorts. Call the paramedics! Forget it. She's dead. She took Janine away from me. She took her from me! Come on, let's go. We talked with Janine McBride's parents. They got a call yesterday from a reporter at the Post to get their reaction to the capture of their daughter's killer. Apparently this reporter also talked to Ned Burks. And the reporter tipped off Burks that Purcell was being held here. What does Mr. Burks say? All-in-all, he's pretty pleased with himself. Yeah, the Post will be happy, too. Caspar Milquetoast kills Ms. Goodbar. Nice and simple. Wraps up our end of it. This one's definitely in your ballpark, Jack. Chesley Purcell got one break. How's that? She won't have to sit in the same room with William Dell. We shouldn't be here. Don't worry. Nobody saw us leave. Hey, I need that. What if somebody tries to call? Shh. What was that? Don't worry. Come here. Captain's Log, supplemental. After two weeks, we're close to repairing the Varro's warp drive. Then there's the Varro crew. I'm starting to think they'd rather give up warp travel than accept help from strangers. I thought we agreed Central Control would be off-limits. We did, but I need to access your warp assembly. That technology's classified. We have to reconfigure the assembly if we're going to finish this job. Then consider it finished. We've come this far... You've turned our ship upside down for two weeks. I've yet to see any results. You might check the antimatter injectors. Back on line. All you need now is a jolt of antimatter from Voyager's engines and you'll be back in business, but I need access to your warp assembly. You know, I can understand why you're distrustful of other species. Frankly, we've had a rough time in the Delta Quadrant ourselves, but our two species have made remarkable progress, working together to repair your engines. We've come a long way since you ignored our opening hails. Let's not throw all that away. I'll admit we do share some things in common. We're both on long journeys, looking for allies. In many ways, we're like cousins. "Cousins"? Well, distant cousins-- think about it. 400 years ago, you started out the same way we did-- a single starship, a small crew, facing the unknown and now, centuries later, you've grown into a generational ship with a history and culture all your own. When I look at your vessel, I can't help but wonder if I'm seeing Voyager's future. Our journey could easily last several generations. So, what do you say... cousin? You can access the warp assembly from here. Thank you. Status? Their plasma couplings are on line. We're ready for the antimatter transfer. Then let's get started. Janeway to Voyager. Status? Ready here, Captain. lnitiate the transfer. Warp reactors 1 through 14 are coming on line. It's working. Keep your fingers crossed. For luck. If you're planning on leaving through the viewport, you might want to get dressed. The interstellar vacuum might get a little chilly. What? Oh. Funny. Come back to bed. I can't sleep. Cuddle. I can't cuddle. I told you we're not going to get caught. If someone had seen us, they would've reported it by now. I'm violating about half a dozen regulations by just being in this room, and what we did earlier... I don't know if Starfleet even has a regulation for that. What are you saying? Making love is a crime in your culture? Yes! No. What I'm saying is it's a breach of protocol. How romantic. The Captain instructed all away teams-- no personal interaction with the Varro crew. I violated a direct order. Come back to bed. That's an order. Are all humans so jumpy? No. Only me. The warp engines. They started the plasma transfer. We've got to get down there. We're late. What are you waiting for? To see what you look like in my uniform. You don't understand. If I'm not at my post... You'll be executed. Funny. We better go in separately. Impressive. Just trying to orchestrate the antimatter flow. You should try some Chopin when you're done. Look who showed up for the final movement. Excuse me? Just a little late for the joke as well as the job. I was checking the manifolds in Segment 22. Warp reaction's destabilizing. Tal? I can't find the problem. We're less than a minute away from multiple core breaches. Abort the transfer. So much for finger crossing. B'Elanna. I'm reading microfractures all over the hull. Why couldn't we detect that before? Good question. We'll have to check the hulls on each of your vessel's segments. But that'll take days. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish. Friendly people. They've had a lot of bad experiences with other species. Well, I don't know. It seems like your first contact went pretty well. What's that supposed to mean? I'm just wondering where you disappeared to today. I told you. I was checking the plasma conduits in... ln Segment 22. I know. They must have sonic showers over there. You're a lot cleaner than you were when you left. You are such a lousy liar. Haven't you learned anything from me after five years? She's cute. Who? That assistant engineer, Tal. Cute enough. Oh, here we go again. What? ! You. Going after impossible women-- a hologram, an ex-Borg, the wrong twin, and now a girl from a xenophobic species? You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm putting her out of my mind. I promise. Good. Glad to hear it. I'm due back on the Bridge. See you in the morning. Computer, open a channel to Varro ship, Segment 16, Station 204. Encode transmission with security protocol Alpha-7. Channel open. What took you so long? I've been waiting 22 minutes for you to call. I was testing myself, seeing how long l could resist calling you. And? I lasted 22 minutes. Should I feel complimented or insulted? Since this is the first chance I've had to open a com-link... complimented. So... you liked what happened. Yeah. A lot. Enough to try it again? Absolutely, but I've got to be honest. I wasn't expecting something so... different. Neither was I. Our species look so similar. Well, at least on the surface. I would've never guessed when it came down to the basics... well, let's just say, the birds and bees would be very confused. "Birds and bees"? I'm telling you, you should take a look at their database. They've got some pretty amazing stuff on that ship. Stuff. Well, their environmental control systems, for instance-- it's completely regenerative. Zero waste. Impressive. It can be programmed to create almost any habitat. If you wanted to, you could recreate Vulcan in your quarters with that system. Why would I want to? A little taste of home in the Delta Quadrant? Think about it-- springtime on the shores of Lake Yuron. I require a desk and a bed, nothing more. You're missing the point. No doubt. These people have been traveling for 400 years. They've learned a thing or two about living comfortably. Our systems are more than adequate. I give up. After only two minutes? Tuvok, how do you do it? I wait until his own illogic overwhelms him. I'm detecting an unauthorized transmission. Origin? Unknown. It's been encoded. Find out where it's going. Where would you most like to be right now? Besides your quarters? Besides my quarters. On a distant moon, where the air is warm and the gravity is light. No bulkheads around me. Where, if I walk too quickly, I can almost fly. I like that. What about you? Where would you most want to be right now? Besides your cabin? Besides my cabin. Sorry. I can't come up with anything better than your cabin. And what would you do if you were here? Now? This very moment. I'd ask you to dim the lights. And what if I said... no? Okay. So, we leave the lights on. The message has been sent to the Varro ship. Segment 16. Living quarters. Uh, Commander? I think I can track that down for you. Hold on. Something's wrong. I'm losing the signal. Tal? The transmission has ended. If it was a transmission. Could have just been a glitch in the com system. Run a diagnostic. Finding the source of these structural problems isn't going to be easy. They've already scanned most of their ship and come up empty. I'm hoping we'll do a better job. We should form smaller teams to maximize efficiency. Agreed. We'll work in pairs. Now, what I'd like to do is start with their reactor room where we first detected the problem... You owe me. What? Eyes front. Last night I had to sabotage the com system to cover your tracks. You called her, didn't you? Guilty. How long has this been going on? The truth. From the moment we first saw each other. It was like touching an open plasma relay. Hmm. Sounds serious. Maybe it is. Has it occurred to you that you're breaking a few dozen protocols? We know what we're getting into. Do you? Our duty assignment. We're to survey the generational ship from Astrometrics. Teams Alpha and Gamma have finished scanning Sections 1 through 64. Kind of puts a Borg cube to shame, doesn't it? The vessel's technology is impressive, but its construction is haphazard. I guess they sort of improvised as they went along. Seven, you've been around humans for a while now. What do you think about love? We're scanning for microfractures. I don't see the relevance. Just curious. Parental love, romantic love, affection between friends. Specify. Romantic love. An attraction based on sexual desire, one that facilitates procreation. I guess I'm asking the wrong person. Not at all. The Borg have referenced this condition in over 6,000 assimilated species. "Condition"? You make it sound like a disease. Physiologically, it bears a striking similarity to disease. A series of biochemical responses that trigger an emotional cascade, impairing normal functioning. Forget it. Are you in love, Ensign? I guess that's what I've been asking myself. You're glowing. I beg your pardon? Your epidermis luminesced. Huh... Must be the lighting in here. No, it was you. You should report to Sick Bay. It's nothing. You must comply. Lie still. I feel fine. No doubt you're feeling wonderful. Your beta endorphins are abnormally elevated. Really? You've been spending a lot of time on the generational ship. Do you recall coming into contact with any toxins? Antimatter radiation? No. Maybe something in one of their medical bays-- a biological agent? No. Did you consume any of their cuisine? No. Doctor, there is unusual synaptic activity in his cerebral cortex. No kidding. This could be the work of an alien virus. We'll have to initiate full quarantine protocols. Inform the Captain and request a bio-alert. Wait. There's no need for that. I can explain. I'm listening. Could you give us some privacy? If there is the possibility of an epidemic the Doctor may require my assistance. There isn't and he won't. Please. Last night, I had an... encounter with one of the Varro. Encounter? A... personal encounter. Specifically? Sex. We had sex. You had intimate contact with an alien species without medical clearance? It was in the heat of the moment. I didn't think anything like this would happen. Correction. If you'd been thinking, you would have considered the risks and exercised restraint. Sit down. You'll need a full biomedical workup, and your "friend" will have to come in as well. Do we have to drag her into this? It is my medical responsibility, which, I'm sorry to say, also requires me to report this to the Captain. I expected more from you. I'm sorry. I... don't know what I was thinking. Don't you? I've seen Tal. She's an impressive young woman, beautiful, but that's no excuse to ignore your obligations as a Starfleet officer. Yes, ma'am. There's a reason you took a semester of interspecies protocol at the Academy. There's also a reason why the Handbook on Personal Relationships is three centimeters thick. "All Starfleet personnel must "obtain authorization from their CO "as well as clearance from their medical officer "before initiating an intimate relationship with an alien species." Bravo. Unfortunately, your recitation comes a little late. According to the Doctor, your condition isn't life-threatening. There's no reason to confine you to Sick Bay, but I do agree with his recommendation to run full bio-scans on both you and Tal. And her people need to be told, so they can evaluate any bio-threat you might've introduced into their population. We're trying to help these people, Ensign, earn their trust. I was even hoping they might return the favor, share their technology, their insights into long-term space travel, but your little escapade put that in jeopardy. Permission to speak freely. With all due respect... this wasn't a fling. I've really gotten to know Tal, and I've developed true feelings for her. Noted. But there are regulations, and you've broken them. I'm entering a formal reprimand into your record and I'm ordering you to break off this relationship. Do you understand? Yes, ma'am. Dismissed. Commander, I wanted to share a few security concerns. A few days ago, I noticed some Mess Hall supplies had disappeared-- liquid nutriments, emergency rations, nothing to warrant a Red Alert, but... I took the liberty of investigating on my own. Take a look at this. Unauthorized use of the Mess Hall replicator is hardly a felony. It wasn't just unauthorized. Someone accessed the ship's environmental controls from that station. Life support was routed to Jefferies Tube G-33, Deck 15. Isn't that section normally uninhabited? Whoever did this, encoded the procedure so it wouldn't be detected. It appears we have intruders. It looks like a Varro scanning device. Breathable oxygen is confined to this chamber and the area immediately behind this hatch. Stand back. Come in. Work? No. I'm just tormenting myself with what-ifs. What if I had the chance to actually see that pulsar field, go there instead of just squinting at it through long-range sensors? Too far off your course, huh? Too close to an inhabited planet. "They might make contact with us." "lt's too dangerous." It's always the same thing. The mighty generational ship. All we do is run away from anything that's different. But that's going to change. I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I, uh... I can't see you anymore. Captain's orders. How did she find out? Something happened to me this morning. I had a strange sensation, and then my skin luminesced, just like last night. That shouldn't have happened. Our species are too dissimilar. What shouldn't have happened? We call it olan'vora... "the shared heart." When two of us merge... You know the biological connection we had last night? It becomes stronger. It won't hurt you, Harry, but it will change you. It'll change both of us... bring us closer. So, can this process be reversed? In time... if we stay away from each other, but if we don't... the more we're together, the harder it will be to stop it. But then, you have your orders. Orders. It's an old story. Boy meets girl from the wrong side of the galaxy. Boy loses girl. And girl loses boy. It's not like we didn't know this was going to end. At least we had two weeks. Two great weeks. Good-bye, Harry. Bye. Are you really going to let me leave? If that's what you want. It's not. Welcome aboard. Normally we like to know something about our guests before we invite them to join us. Care to tell us how you got here? Through a docking port. Your entry would have triggered an intruder alert. Your technology is easy to circumvent. It doesn't matter how I got here. I'm not going back. That remains to be seen. You haven't explained your reasons for leaving the generational ship. I'm not a criminal, if that's what you think. If you leave me at the next inhabited system, I'll manage from there. Your next stop is the brig unless you answer my questions. I came aboard four days ago with one of the work details. Why? Our ship's not the paradise our leaders make it out to be. There are thousands of us who feel like prisoners, and... others who... Continue. There are... rumors of a movement... people who want to leave the ship. Some of them are willing to take violent action. Can you be more specific? This is a trick. A trick? You're trying to get me to expose the movement. Our leaders put you up to this. On the contrary. We haven't even told them we found you. You're lying. I don't have time for a debate. You asked for asylum, fine. I'll consider it, but only if you answer my questions. What movement? Contact the Varro authorities. Let them know we've found one of their people, and take him to the brig. You can tell the authorities that I'm not the only one. There are hundreds more like me. Learn anything about this supposed uprising? Jippeq said the rumors are just that-- rumors-- but he's questioning our stowaway just to be certain. New protocols for working with the Varro. After the incident with Ensign Kim, they insisted we keep our crews segregated. That's pretty severe. Harry violated protocol. Frankly, I understand their position. is that why you came down so hard on him? A formal reprimand for being intimate with a young woman? I know it seems a little extreme... but I wanted to leave a lasting impression. Chalk it up to growing pains. Well, he looks pained, all right. Until now, he's had a spotless record. Maybe you should reconsider. What are you implying? Are you angry because Harry disobeyed orders or because he let you down? I set the same standards for all my officers. If I object to one of your decisions, you'll hear me out... even insist I speak up. You're my First Officer. He's an Ensign. He hasn't earned the right to question my orders whatever his personal views. I see. Engineering to the Captain. Yes? We found something. On my way. Do your officers make a habit of seducing the species they encounter? Certainly not, but it's my understanding that this relationship was consensual. I find that difficult to believe. We don't share your cavalier attitude toward intimacy. Our attitude is anything but cavalier. Ensign Kim has already been reprimanded. What about Tal? What happens to her? In our society, mating is taken very seriously. When two people choose each other, the bonding is permanent. They become biochemically linked. Separation is rare. It induces illness, sometimes fatal. What's to become of Tal when your Ensign flies off in search of his next conquest? Captain. You found something? We've detected microfractures in one of Voyager's docking ports. Microfractures? That's the same problem we've been having. A coincidence? I had suspicions that it wasn't. Seven confirmed them. Observe. Silicon-based parasites which feed on duranium alloys. Apparently, they began replicating on the Varro ship's hull several months ago and then migrated to Voyager. We analyzed them and found artificial gene sequences. The parasites are synthetic. They may have been created by someone aboard your vessel. Sabotage? I don't believe it. Perhaps not everyone is content to be in your collective. Tal, are you there? Harry? I can't keep this com-link open. Where are you? By my computer. Okay. Get ready for a ride. I'm locking on. A ride? Where are we? A shuttlecraft. Shuttlecraft? A short-range vessel. We use it for away missions. We can go anywhere we want? Anywhere. For a while anyway. I'm not due back on Voyager until 1900 hours. They think I'm still out repairing a hull fracture. I finished early. You're a fugitive now. How many protocols did you break this time? Let's see... unauthorized use of a shuttlecraft... kidnapping... Direct violation of the Captain's orders... I must be crazy. I like you crazy. Navigation? Oh, careful. That's the weapons array. You know, you almost vaporized your living quarters. Well, they could use a good cleaning. Let's go somewhere. Where? There's a nebula about 300,000 kilometers from here. I've been watching it on the sensors for the past few days. Oh, I would love to see it with my own eyes. Have a seat. Thanks to god's striking the Egyptians with a series of ten plagues. So rabbi... Yes. Why Passover, what does the word itself refer to? When god brought upon Egypt the tenth plague of killing the first born, he told the israelites to put blood on the thresholds of their homes and the angel of death passed over the homes of the Hebrews, and only took the first born of the Egyptians. Many Jews believe god's sparing of their children was proof they were his chosen people. But this was not the only divine sign. The miracle of getting out of Egypt was followed by the miracle splitting of the sea. God made two miracles, one was splitting the sea before the Hebrews, and then closing it before the Egyptians. So god wants us to remember the Egyptians are just his sons as we are, so by putting drops of wine on our plates we're actually putting drops of sorrow that god had lost so many of his children while saving the others. This acknowledgement that the exodus miracles didn't benefit everyone, reminds me of alcides moreno. Divine will is not easy to understand. So what is your take on the whole idea of the series of miracles? I don't think anybody's gonna split the sea for us today. I wish somebody would bring peace to us today, but the Bible is not a book of history. The Bible is a book of ideas. The question is what can we learn from it? What can we take into our own life? It's a way of saying thank you, you know. It's a way of teaching the kids that every small thing is not granted, that you need to say thank you. It's nice to have parents, it's lovely to have a roof above your head. That probably the biggest miracle of all of them that Jews are still here. I want them to come out with the idea that miracles can happen. That's the story. The israelites saw these miracles as proof that god cared about them. Not all modern Jews believe in the miracles of Passover, but these stories still define them as a people, and that deep well of tradition and moral strength has sustained them, been called on by them for thousands of years to get them through hard times. Around the world belief in miracles gives people strength. In Mexico City the basilica of our lady of Guadalupe marks the spot where the virgin Mary is said to have appeared to a peasant 500 years ago. In Hong Kong, Buddhist pilgrims flock to the statue of guan yin, who they hope will Grant them medical cures, a spouse, or good grades. And in Rome miracles can turn ordinary people into saints. I've come to the Vatican to understand how the catholic church verifies miracles. I think the first time I was at the Vatican was about 1983. I'm meeting monsignor Marcelo Sanchez sorondo, the head of the pontifical academy of sciences. So let's talk just for a moment about miracles, do miracles really exist? For instance Jesus walking on water. In the life of Christ, if you don't accept the miracles it's impossible to understand. Each page of the gospel is a miracle of Christ. To consider a person is Saint the church needs a miracle. In order to have saints you have to have miracles. Yes. Unless you are a martyr, the only way to sainthood is to be deemed responsible for performing two miracles after you die. Pope John Paul the second became a Saint in 2014, after two women who prayed to him after his death claimed to be miraculously cured. One of Parkinson's disease, another of a brain aneurism. The Vatican spends years investigating these claims, sometimes decades. The church has a devil's advocate who goes and whenever anybody claims to have seen or experienced a miracle, the church sends the advocate to investigate. Yes, they have to advocate and have scientific people, special doctors, to prove that this is a special intervention of god. So if I come and say I have experienced a miracle, would the church then say, okay well we'll check that out. Exactly, we've got to check. Does the hand of god really intervene? Not just in matters of life and death, but also in the ups and downs of our daily lives or does everything that happens happen by chance? What, if anything, governs the seemingly random moments that change our lives and send us into different directions? Like a poor boy from Mississippi ending up in Hollywood. I always loved the movies, always dreamed I would be in them. I was a believer, and I actually made it, now was that a miracle? Most of us have a turning point in our lives, a pivotal moment where you wondered, how did this happen? Mine was 1989 I made three films, 'Lean on me', 'Driving miss Daisy' and 'Glory'. Did I make it happen? Was someone up there calling the shots, or was I lucky? To try to understand this I've arranged to meet a psychology professor who thinks we often mistake random chance for miracles. Danny Oppenheimer. Nice to see you. How are you today? I'm good, you? I'm good. Good. What are you doing? I'm flipping coins. Why? I'm looking for streaks. Streaks? Yeah if you flip a coin enough times you're gonna get a streak. Really? That's a lot of tails. Well if I flip a coin twice and I get heads both times is that miraculous? No, if you do it 50 times and you get 60 that's a miracle. Well yeah if you get more than you flip certainly. But how rare does an event have to be before we would call it miraculous, one in a million, one in a billion? I'll choose billion. Alright one in a billion, well let's try something. Alright. Jack of diamonds, 6 of spades, king of spades, 2 of hearts, 7 of diamonds and Ace of spades. Is it miraculous to have gotten this sequence? No, I mean it's just a random selection of cards off the deck. Well right but this particular sequence starting with the Jack and then getting the six of spades and then king of spades, it only happens one in about 14 billion times you draw six cards. So it's pretty miraculous by your one in a billion standard. So you're telling me that this is miraculous? Well no as you said before it's just a random set of cards. What if it was the first six digits of your social security number, what if it were the last six digits of your social security number? The first six digits of your phone number? Sometimes it's not actually miraculous, sometimes it's just probability playing its tricks on you. Alright so how do we include the divine because there are people who really do think that there is divine intervention in these kinds of interplays. Absolutely and nothing I'm saying here rules out the possibility of the divine. The fact that probability predicts certain things doesn't mean that there can't be divine intervention. But miraculous things that are so unlikely that you think it can't happen by chance alone, they do happen, and they have to happen. It would be odd if the didn't, because with six billion people in the world there are so many opportunities for something really unusual to happen, we would expect it to happen to some of them. Mmm. It's human nature to make a symphony out of the cacophony of events going on around us, doesn't mean that divine Providence doesn't exist. In fact as I learned when I was in Rome, in the past chance and god co-existed. The ancient Romans had a different take on miracles. Before they became christians Romans had many gods. They believed the gods controlled their fate and everything that happened was decided by them. Archaeologist Valerie Higgins tells me the gods even determined the outcome of sporting events. So we're here in the circus Maximus, this was the largest circus in Rome, in fact in the Roman empire, and this was where they did chariot racing. We are actually standing on the track? Yeah the starting gates were down there, and they would race through here up to the other end where they would turn around and then go back down that end, and they would do that seven times. At least a quarter of a million people could fit in here. Bedlam. Yeah right, so this was a place that was full of life and full of action. Well it must have been quite a lot like modern day horse racing, you know, betting, and wagering, and. For sure yes, we know there was lots of betting, and lots of gambling. Gambling particularly on dice games was frowned upon because you were betting on the will of the gods, but widespread gambling began to change the way Romans thought about fate, and opened the way for belief in miracles. How did gambling fit with the idea that your fate was already set no matter what you did, you were going to wind up the way you were gonna wind up. They did very much believe that their fate was set, but, you know, it didn't make them passive. They certainly did everything they could to get the gods behind their riders. Well if I were to ask like for instance the day of a big race, you know, and the ancient Romans were thinking well it's in the hands of the gods, but we need to know what the gods want. Right. How would we figure that out? How did they go about figuring out what the gods wanted? What the gods wanted, well you had to go to a priest who was specialized in this sort of thing. Just around the corner from the race track, hidden in an alleyway and down in a basement, Valerie takes me to see the remains of the temple that dates back to the third century. A place where Romans may have tried to twist the will of the gods. This is spectacular. Yes it is, what we're coming into now is a mithraeum. A mithraeum. Yeah that's right, it's a special kind of ritual space for the cult of mithras. He's the god, he's killing the bull. Mithras was a god for men, tough men, soldiers, powerful business men. So we're here in this mithraeum which is kind of like the original man cave. We know they did a lot of feasting. Would there be any of the priests down here with them? There would be priests down here yes I think for sure, who would be overseeing the feasting, 'cause it was quite essential that you did the ritual, you know, correctly to ensure that your team was going to be successful in the Circus Maximus. So here we are down here and we're doing all of the rituals and so are we really adjusting the fates to take care of what we want taken care of, or do we do a little? No that doesn't stop you giving fate a helping hand. Certainly we know there was a lot of cheating that went on in the Circus Maximus. No. Oh I'm afraid so, they did everything they could to make things work, to make them successful, and they certainly weren't above cheating. The fact that you were allowing the gods to decide your fate, didn't mean that you couldn't help them along. If you could. If you could help them along. Yeah, yeah, you know, because their idea is that the god works for you, and that's in every aspect of your life including of course your team racing in the circus Maximus. The Romans don't have faith, they just follow the rituals. Have fates. They have fates, quite right, they have fates not faith. That h makes a big difference. The ancient Romans believe that if you were good to the gods, they would be good to you. Every single event from winning a chariot race to rolling of the dice could be the result of divine intervention, a minor miracle. I'm just trying to work out how a couple of millennia of catholicism might have changed the way the Romans think. Do they still think god will intercede? And reward their fate with a royal flush perhaps? The idea that nothing in our lives happens by chance did not die with the culture of ancient Rome. It remained alive and well in the Chinese philosophy and religion daoism. Daoism dates back nearly two millennia. Gods are not the focus of daoism, the focus is the dao. The ultimate creative energy of the universe to which we are all connected. This interconnectedness means our fates are all set at birth. So do daoist's believe miracles are possible? To find out I'm heading to the heart of the Chinese community in Los Angeles to meet a fourth generation daoist fate calculator named Jenny Liu. Jenny Liu? Morgan Freeman. Yes ma'am. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Come on in please. Thank you. So did you do my life chart? I did, we had you here as June 1st, so 6-1, 1937; 2 am, is that correct? Yes. Your life map lets us know what over 120 stars are located at your time of birth. These stars configure a certain energy field that impact the quality and success of your life. So in China we don't call this astrology actually, we call it fate calculation, fate calculation. Fate calculation. Covers your life in ten year periods, and we see from age six to 15 is one, 16 to 25, and so on and so forth. So what now between 76 and 85? Right now you're in your friendship sector. In the friendship sector the star that's there is called wun-zong. This star represents scholars, learned people. These are the people that you want to surround yourself with. So far so good. So far so good, and one of the reasons why maybe you have not come here yet until today is one of the stars in your personal sector is called din-sun and din-sun is the adventurer, somebody who likes to take things as they come. So if my fate is already laid out, does that leave room for like miracles? Absolutely, we don't think of astrology chart as predestined that it's your only fate that's carved in stone. We see a life map, just like we say life is a journey, and you go on any journey you need to have a map. There's gonna be dead ends, there's gonna be multiple pot holes. If you know where they are you're still in charge of your own car, this is just a navigation system. You can turn. If you understand how you're connected to everything around you, that is the miracle waiting to happen. So is this connected to feng shui? Feng shui this is based on the daoist thought, everything around us is connected. Everything is made of energy, we're all connected through this energy. Feng is wind, shui is water. It's an energy that we cannot destroy or create, it's always there. But we can divert it, we can harness it. In China we say. We ride it. We can ride it exactly. I was gonna say in Chinese they'll say birds do not fly they are flown. Fish do swim they are. Carried. They are carried, they are swum by water. We always think, particularly in christianity, that a miracle is a result of divine intervention. In the Chinese thought everything is connected. Everything has a reason for why it occurred. Thank you. Thank you. Feng shui, wind, water. Birds don't fly, they ride the wind. Fish don't swim, they're carried. Everything that happens to us is a result of all the things that we are connected to. What we call divine intervention is merely connections we weren't aware of. Makes me wonder if we shouldn't maybe stop trying so hard to control our lives and learn to ride the wave of life. Our lives are filled with unexpected twists and turns. Some believe there's nothing beyond randomness. Others say we are propelled by the will of god or the energy of the universe. Both those beliefs could make the difference between life and death because the human mind could have a hidden power to unleash a miracle. I'm travelling the world trying to understand the power of miracles. And I've come to Cairo to find out if that power could come from our own minds. I'm visiting one of the world's oldest hospitals, a place that was famous for combining medical science with the healing power of belief. So the writings around the building describe the founding of this hospital, and of the entire complex. Harvard historian of islam and physician Ahmed Ragab has brought me to the Qalawun complex, which first opened its doors around 1285 ad. This would be the entrance through which patients would normally walk. Wow, this is a dramatic change from outside. This is actually by design. When you walk into this corridor from the outside the sunny and the dirty street, and it's very noisy. You walk in here and it's a dark, calm, shaded corridor. Patients came here hoping to be cured by both cutting edge medicine and a miraculous intervention from god. I want to show you something here. Oh okay. Oh my goodness. The construction here is the most impressive thing I think I've seen anywhere. This is the shrine of sultan Qalawun, the founder of this hospital. Patients would have come in and offer prayer of thanks for the sultan. Slowly Qalawun himself becomes connected to the idea of healing. It's like in this history we're looking at the making of a healing Saint. Does that mean that there becomes a connection between faith and healing? Medicine as a whole was seen as the conduit of the will of god. So at the end of the day we fall sick in part this is something that god wills, and we would only be healed through medicine but only by the will of god. If god wills it. Exactly. So actually everything that happens is a will of god. Exactly. Centuries ago muslims believed faith and medicine worked hand in hand. But can belief in divine intervention actually help medicine heal us today? Tom Renfro is familiar with the cliché the miracle of modern medicine, because he's a practicing physician, but he also believes in divine miracles and that one happened to him. It was 18 years ago that I stood there to give thanks to god for healing me and what I told you at that time was, "you are looking at a true miracle." "A miracle of god." The hunt for miracle stories has brought Indiana university scholar candy Gunther brown to Norton, Virginia to meet tom. She's studying whether faith and prayer can actually improve medical outcomes. The question that really interests me is what happens when people prey for healing. Candy it was in 1996 in the fall of that year, that I found a nodule on the back of my neck. Later on that fall I found more nodules under my arm, and I sought medical attention, and the biopsy under my arm showed that I had an unusual form of lymphoma called mantle cell lymphoma. The prognoses was very poor, and they gave me months to live, and basically told me enjoy what time you have left. And the goal is to hopefully keep me alive through Christmas. I was a physician, I knew the objective evidence that was there. I was in multi organ failure. I had a disease that there was no medicine or cure for that would wipe this disease out. Instead of despair the lord wants us to remember, I brought you all this way I'm not gonna leave you here by yourself. Did you have medical treatments? No I did not have medical treatments, not at that time. The tumors continued to progress, and as they progressed the people came together more and more intense with prayer. My pastor organized a weekend prayer to where people would come and pray perhaps even all night, and it was a remarkable time. By now the tumors were the size of apples on my neck. My arms stuck out because of the massive adenopathy under my arms. My abdomen was expanded, I was dying. The lord actually spoke to me and said, "now is the time to go to the hospital." Chemotherapy typically only delays the progress of mantle cell lymphoma. It's not a cure. So they started an infusion and it was like the rock that David threw at goliath. Before the infusion even completed there was something that changed in me physically. The tumors they became like a nerf ball, like a sponge, and very soft, and they started disappearing in front of your eyes. And all of this massive adenopathy just disappeared over the next 24, 48 hours. It was gone. Do you ever wonder did the chemotherapy just work better than the doctors expected it to work? The chemotherapy it wasn't designed to cure. No one expected the tumors to utterly start disappearing or melting. I should have died multiple times during this illness from pulmonary embolisms, from pneumonia, from renal failure. But I had faith. I had people that poured their words into me to encourage me, and I believe through that that god intervened and healed me, and here we are 18 years later me talking to you. To me that is a miracle. It is a miracle that I'm here. Why did tom Renfro survive when so many people who prey for healing don't make it? Tom believes the power of his faith and that of the people around him helped the chemotherapy achieve the impossible. It strikes me that much of what we call miraculous starts right here in the mind. We close our eyes in prayer don't we, and I think that's because the goal is to focus the mind. To transcend the distractions of everyday life. To set our minds to achieve what at first we might fear is impossible. I've come to India to explore a religion that believes we all have the mental power to perform miracles. This is the mahabodhi temple in bodh gaya. According to Buddhist tradition 2,500 years ago a man named siddhartha gautama came to the realization that the human mind had immense untapped powers. In doing so he founded an entirely new religion, buddhism, and tradition says he did it right here under this tree. I want to understand what Buddhists believe happened to siddhartha as he sat under the tree. Tibetan monk losang tenpa has promised to help me find out. So. Glad to be here. I'm glad you could come. Oh me too. So this is our holy spot where the Buddha obtained awakening. Losang tells me he'll get me to understand the miracle of the Buddha's enlightenment, and he will do it by challenging my mind to get me to see the light myself. So what do you know about? Siddhartha, I mean. What do they teach you in America? I learned that he was of noble birth, and he grew up very, very sheltered, and then one day he wondered out of the compound. That's right. And began to see life as it really was. Why did he do that? That's the question you're going to answer. Well how would you like it if your father had decided as soon as you were born that this baby of mine's gonna be the king? So I've got to keep him in this palace surrounded by beautiful sense objects, flowers that never drooped, beautiful young ladies who never look old. Sounds perfect. Isn't that perfect yeah, but this guy wasn't satisfied with that. Buddha left the palace, right? Yes. And do you know what he saw when he left the palace? Well as I understand it he saw suffering. He saw real life. And what for? Well there were old people, cripples. Yeah. Beggars. Yeah. People who had nothing, people who were hungry. Yeah it's like an eye opener, it's like a wow. He saw death. Yeah. His father didn't want him to see death. He made him think so strongly, he felt I've got to leave this place and find out what is the cause of this. Why do people suffer? Siddhartha roamed for six years seeking to understand the cause of suffering. Until he finally came to the shade of a ficus tree, and decided that he would stay right on that spot, focusing his mind, until he discovered how to end human suffering. After sitting motionless for an entire night, siddhartha achieved a mental transformation. Buddhists say he became the Buddha, the enlightened one. He taught us, he said you know what a good doctor would tell a patient, "man you're sick, you're sick, you're suffering, you know, you have a problem." Second, I know the cause, basically craving attachment. The Buddha realized that by letting go of his desires and his attachment to the material world, he could rid himself of suffering. But the Buddha and for generations of Buddhists after him, this freedom from attachment seems to allow a remarkable perhaps even miraculous mental and physical focus. You know he was so grateful to this tree under which he'd sat and achieved this amazing realization, he sat in this are for seven weeks and for one of those weeks just gazing, unwinkingly they say. Unmoving and unblinking for seven days. It's possible, why not? We haven't exercised our minds. We're so busy with external things, buying and selling, and doing all the things. We've never actually seen a yogi in action. Well in a sense it's an amazing thing but you and I can do it. For Buddhists years of mental training and showing love and compassion to others can free them from suffering. Walking around this temple you feel like a miracle really could happen. The miracle of people being content with their lives. People getting along together. Do you want to just come and see how a Tibetan llama teaches western students? Sure. How are you? I am well, how are you sir? I'm very good, I saw your movie. Oh you did, which one? I don't know. Who else likes my movie? Bravo. Shortcut we all need to care and love and respect each other. That is the source of happiness. Whoever had that their journey's good. Whoever not keep this in their heart, journey's not good. Thank you, from today you are my friend. Okay. I like you. I like you. So a lot of religions are pretty much miracle based. I mean christianity, judaism. Right. Really. Right. You don't do miracles? What's a miracle? I mean flying in the sky is that a miracle? It is, it is, it is. Birds do it, birds do it. But we normally think of miracles as some sort of divine thing, something that gives us proof of god or something, you know. Okay so that we could ask where is god? We ask the mystics or the yogi's were is god? They'll point here, they won't point up there. They'll say it's in here. So then if you're being inspired by your inner god, Buddha, Christ, you know, Christian or whatever you want to call it, maybe then you can perform what's called a miracle. What does this world need the most? It needs healing, right, love, it needs reconciliation. I think that's a miracle, and that's the miracle we need. We don't need people levitating three inches off their butts, you know, while meditating that's stupid. Right. So let's stick to the real miracle which is to transform the human mind really. Alright, you know what you did there? What? Solved the problem of miracles. Thank you, walk on. You're alright in my book. It's ironic that a man who wanted us to tap into the power that we all have within ourselves, is thought of as some sort of divine being. The point of buddhism as far as I can see, is to teach us that we're all capable of much more than we might believe we are, if we just concentrate on it, just put our minds to it. I used to struggle to make sense of miracle stories. How oceans could be parted. How it was possible to walk on water. But I think I was missing the point. To believe in miracles is to believe there is more to life than meets the eye. To accept there could be something that connects us, unites us. So many souls pass through this world, and as our paths cross miraculous things can and do happen. People get the breaks they always wanted, people inspire one another, people fall in love. And whether these events are orchestrated by the hand of god, the power of the mind, or just a one in a million chance, I believe we should believe in miracles. Because miracles however you define them help us to, well they give us hope. They drive us to create reality out of possibility. - Uh... - Ha. That wasn't the warm reception I was expecting. Sorry. Just thinking about the day ahead. Speaking of... dinner before the recruiting event tonight? Oh, yeah. Inspiring the hearts and minds of the next generation of Navy sailors. Don't sound so excited. Wish I could stay, but Du calls. Hey, you okay? You were tossing and turning like crazy last night. Yeah, all good, and yes to dinner. You're not hearing me, Dr. Halstead. With the hospital being sued... I'm under a microscope. I get it. Doesn't make it fair. You ignored your patient's wishes and put the hospital in jeopardy. It's absolutely fair, and now you have to deal with the consequences. You're in for interrogatories, depositions, mediation, and then possibly a civil trial, and that doesn't even include what you may have to go through with the state medical board. Yeah. Okay. Every move you make will be scrutinized by Jennifer Baker's attorneys. Stick to the script. Don't give them any more ammo. Until the lawsuit is settled, you are the perfect doctor. Are we clear? Because your future at this hospital... depends on it. Five, six, seven, eight... Uh-uh, girlfriend. Go to Treatment 4, please. - You got it. - Thank you. Right this way. All right. Reese, why so glum? - Residency Match picks. - Ah. They have to be in by end of day and I have no clue what to do. I'm literally choosing where I'll spend the next four years of my life. And probably the rest of your life after that. Be nice. Dr. Choi, incoming! - Where are we going, Maggie? - Trauma 2. - Dad? - Bret Cooper, 17-year-old male, down on the ice after a hip check... GCS 10, improved to a 12. - Rotate. - Must have got his bell rung. I'm his father. I was there. He didn't get his bell rung. He barely got hit. Bret, I'm Dr. Choi. Can you hear me? - Can you breathe? - Get me off of here! All right, let's transfer him. Reese, on your count. Okay, nice and easy. One, two, three. Uhh! Transfer the oxygen, leave him on the cannula, and let's get him up on the monitors. - On it. - Check his sat levels. Okay. Pupils equal bilaterally and reactive. He stayed on his skates the whole time. Bret, I need you to focus on me... is there any pain? Ah... there! Right where you're touching. Your show, Reese. He needs a CT head and spine, and I would get him a chest X-ray. - Come on, really? - We got this. Oh, my God... is it a concussion... What happened, Jack? He was battling for a puck along the boards... it's nothing. Here we are in the emergency room, Jack. Mr. and Mrs. Cooper, I'm gonna need you to step outside. Bret had a bad concussion last month. Honey, it's not a concussion. Look, Doc, he's got a scholarship on the table for Boston College, okay? Another concussion, they might rescind the offer. My eyes... everything's blurry! Bret, you have to stay still. Please, Bret, you have to hold still... hold still, buddy. - Dad! - Son, you okay? Dad! Dad, I can't see! - Stay still, Bret. - I can't see! Stay still, Bret. Stay still. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. - The cat nap's over. - Oh, yeah. They're on their way in. - How long was I down? - About 20 minutes. Oh, it felt like 20 seconds. You know you're only supposed to work 12-hour shifts, right? - It's the law. - I know. But Dr. Downey makes his own rules. - All right... - Half a minute more. Come on. Down. Ticktock. Doc, hey. How is he? - What happened to his eyesight? - His vision's fine. It was a transient impairment, probably caused by anxiety. What about his head? Is it another concussion? Can't say for sure yet. We're doing a CT of his head and cervical spine to make sure there's no bleeding. That might require surgery. Surgery? Oh, God. I'm not saying he needs surgery. We just need to rule everything out. Relax, hon, okay? Let's not get worked up before the tests come back. It's... it... it's... it's like... it's like I... It's like I said before. It... it l-looks worse than it is. Look, Doc, I played 18 seasons. I took a hit or two. 99% of the time, it was nothing. I sat out a shift, got right back in. Trust me, I get it. Listen, as soon as we get the tests back, we'll figure out our next step. Okay. - Thanks. - Sure. Ma'am. It's gonna be fine. Whoa. - Tired, Dr. Rhodes? - No, I feel great. Sign for the lungs, and let's move. All right. - How long was he waiting? - Half a minute. - Watch out, please. - Yes. Spoke with Dr. Bucchheit about Loratazone... Think it's gonna work out. Hey, Greg, let me call you back. Dr. Halstead... Will. Zoe, how are you? Your hair's different. - I like it. - Yeah? Yeah. Thank you. Had a great time the other night. You've officially converted me to a rye whiskey girl. It cleanses the soul, or at least the memory. Things any better? Well, they haven't gotten worse. Guess that's something. Good. Cup half full... my kind of guy. Round two soon? I'm free tonight. I'll call you when my shift's over. Yeah. Okay. Mr. Anderson, I'm Dr. Halstead. Oh, please, call me Tim. You got it, Tim. So you're a diabetic? Yeah, since after college. Lucky bastard, I know. I see you're on the blood-thinner Warfarin. - How's your INR? - Don't know. I haven't had it checked in a few weeks. Mm-hmm. Let's have a listen. Uh-huh. Yeah, you've also had a mitral valve replaced. I can hear the clicking. Yeah, two stent operations, an atherectomy, and a laser angioplasty. And somehow still putting us all to shame. You look like a Bergdorf's catalog. Well, look good, feel good, Dr. Manning. I was wondering if I would see you. Dr. Halstead, you mind if I sit in? You don't have to ask. So what's going on today? Last time you were in for a foot infection. - Any reoccurrence? - No, just a little shortness of breath. I was cleaning out my attic, started feeling a little light-headed. Nothing, really, to worry about, but, still, better safe than sorry. Anything else? My left leg's been aching a bit. Mr. Anderson is in congestive heart failure. - Oh? - It's mild. At least, that's what my last doctor told me. But you could still stand to lose some of that fluid. All right, what we're gonna do... chest X-Ray, EKG, labs. Have IR do an angiogram, check the flow of the leg. Here I was, thinking I was gonna make it home for the Bulls game. Don't worry, Tim, we'll get you the Wi-Fi password. You can watch the game on your phone. Hey. A little overboard. His leg wasn't cold. A vascular ultrasound, maybe, but an angiogram's a bit much to start. He's a decade-long vasculopath. His blood vessels are shot. He's not indicating. I hardly think he needs another uncomfortable procedure. There's no telling what he needs. Look, I am not dismissing you, Nat, but I did the intake. It's my call. Thanks. Hey. Hoo, you look like crap. Thanks. Downey boot camp. Presume you're on the transplant? Ex-vivo... have you ever seen one? The lungs are perfused out... Outside the body, yeah. I know the procedure. Yeah, the patient was an NYFD first responder on 9/11. He developed pulmonary fibrosis from debris exposure. So no good deed, right? I got to jet. Your trauma pages are coming to me now. - Lunch later? - Page me. So then I just break up the center and carry the puck into the zone myself? Exactly. You catch the D-man in the neutral zone. And I'll be left with a two-on-one. Good read. Hey, put that away now. Good news. CT head and spine were clear. - No concussion? - No concussion. So I'm out of here? And off to Chestnut Hill. Go, Eagles. - Sweet! Thanks, Doc. - Sure. Sports aren't really my thing. What'd I tell you, hon? Nothing. The kid's a rock. Like father, like son. Doc, thanks so much. You got it. Okay, so let's go tell those bad-news scouts that the nation's number-one recruit is good to go. Dr. Choi, is it possible you missed something? Bret complains of headaches. Mom. He's had this one for two weeks. Joan, enough! Look, the scan came back clean, honey. Stop looking for something that isn't there. LP? Headaches could be a symptom of meningitis. An infection like that wouldn't show up on the CT. Could explain why a minor hit caused such a big reaction earlier. I think it's best we do a spinal tap. Okay, but meningitis, that is treatable, right? Hockey can wait for an hour, Jack. Okay, Joan. So, Bret, if you could lie on your side and pull your knees up to your chest, I'm gonna numb you with a local anesthetic. Are you okay? Feeling a little dizzy. - Okay. - Bret? Bret! - Bret! - Bret! - Bret! - Reese! Little help! - Anything hurt? - Not really. Gonna be stiff tomorrow, though, aren't I? Yeah, but pain builds character. According to who, exactly? Bret still needs an LP. You good? Uh... fourth period, bottom of the 9th... Put me back in, Coach. Butchered hockey, football, and baseball in one sentence... impressive. Dr. Charles, thanks for coming down. Quick favor? Shoot. Uh, got a patient, 17-year-old hockey player. I heard. Bret "Bear" Cooper. Dad was a heavy. Hear the kid's even better. Wouldn't have taken you for a jock. Oh, come on... sport's the oldest form of group therapy. We yell. We scream. Testosterone spikes. Every now and then, we even get to believe in a miracle. Your patient... It's actually his father Jack that I needed the consult on. He's exhibiting memory loss, hand tremors, agitation... Could be Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, but I'd like to rule out anxiety and depression first. CTE sounds right. Get hit in the head that many times, it's bound to catch up with you. - Yeah. - Past always does. Listen, sorry about the other day. We got slammed. I get it. E.D. never sleeps. But if you keep skipping our sessions, buddy, I'm afraid you won't either. So finally, as we reintroduce blood into your lungs, we will manually compress the pulmonary artery to avoid initial volume overload. Hey, can I see those lungs again, please, Doc? Yeah, of course. Science fiction meets reality. I just hope they work as well once they're in me. Believe me, you couldn't be in better hands than Dr. Downey's. We'll see you in the O.R., Mr. Mosconi. Your lungs got a Chicago Fire escort like I have never seen. Brothers in arms. This is really happening. It is. We'll see you on the other side. Yeah. Quite the presentation, Dr. Rhodes. I wanted to be thorough. Great. Next time, in English. Patient's already overwhelmed. Okay. Start of the second, Bulls are looking strong... - What's the score? - Bulls are up by 4. Nice. Dr. Manning, Tim's blood work came back. INR's high. Same thing happened the last time he came in. All right, let's ease him off the blood thinners and give him 10mg of Vitamin K to level off his clotting factors. - Put in the order. - Thanks. Oh, those tests that Dr. Halstead ordered? All negative. Put Tim through all that stress for nothing. They won't listen. They're doing a lumbar puncture. That is exactly what I was trying to tell them. Okay, yeah. I'll keep you posted, Doc. Thanks. Mr. Cooper? Dan Charles. Boy, what a pleasure. That's quite a grip. Good for stick handling. You ever played hockey? Oh, a million years ago. Only Junior League goalie, but had one shut-out. Best day of my life. Ha. I loved the Junior Leagues. Played the game for no other reason than it was fun. Don't read too much into that. You are a shrink, right? Oh, boy, what gave me away? Well, the team always had a couple on the payroll. Soft spoken, loved eye contact, and not to mention the sweater vest and the Rockports didn't help. Oh, geez. Well, then you know exactly what my next question's gonna be. How am I feeling? Conflicted. I mean, my son is in the E.D., so as a dad, I'm concerned. But as a former player, knowing that leaving it out on the ice is what got us here, couldn't be more proud. Sacrifice in the name of sport... Wouldn't know anything about that. - I never played hockey. - You know, that's a shame. I mean, you got great width, you know? You never thought about playing goalie? Mm... more of a bookworm than a bruiser. Yeah, I got you. The spinal tap's done. We'll get it off to the lab and go from there. Great. Well, nice to meet you, Doc. Real pleasure. - Short-term memory loss... - As of now, CTE's only diagnosable postmortem, but I'm afraid your instincts are correct. - You still at it? - Mm-hmm. Didn't your mom ever tell you you'd go blind staring at a screen that long? My mother was a litigation attorney and worked 90-hour weeks. She didn't tell me much. Well, guess it's on the nurses then. All right, this hospital's too far from the city. You wouldn't last a week in the boonies. Oh, and this one's way too vanilla. You've been rolling with us. You got a little flavor now. This one's Boston? Winters are terrible. All right, you got me on that one. Maybe... we're angling for you to stay. Chicago Med's definitely in the running. Ah? It's my specialty I'm torn over. I always thought I'd choose pathology, but the E.D.'s really... grown on me. I can't believe I just said that. Oh, that's okay, sweetie. You're not the first lab geek that we've turned. You shouldn't be the last one in. Patient's ready, Dr. Downey. Let's get this show on the road. Propofol's going in. Pressure's tanking. - No pulse. - Rhodes, on his chest. Allen, how much EPI has he gotten? 20 mics. Got a pulse back. Good waveform on the A Line. He's in sinus rhythm. Let's TEE. All right. - Here you go, Doctor. - Thank you, Nurse. Get in there. Show me what I need to see. Look at the aortic valve. Valve area's .6. Cardiologist said it was only mild to moderately stenotic. I know, but this is critical. He needs a new valve. How long have the lungs been perfusing? Including transport, at least six hours. They're good for another five to six, but we can't transplant until we fix that valve. Keep him deep... between his lungs and the blockage, he won't tolerate going under again. You and I need to figure out a plan quickly. Code blue, treatment 1. Code blue, treatment 1. What happened? A second ago, he was perfectly stable. - We were talking. - Hold compressions. No pulse. - What's going on? - I don't know. No breath sounds. V-Fib! Crash cart! - Charge to 200 Joules. - Charging. - Charged. - Everyone clear. Nat, back away. No, just give me one more second. I see the cords. I'm almost in. All right, tube's in. Let's go. Everyone clear! Nothing. Copy. O.R. on standby. - Round of EPI. - Got it. - Charging. - Charged. - Clear! - Clear. Still in fib. Nat, you take over compressions. Don't stop for anything. April, where's that EPI? EPI's in. Clear. Clear! CPR. EPI again. Follow it with an amp of bicarb. Yes, Doctor. Asystole... he's got no pulse. I got it. Will. Will, he's gone. Time of death... 14:21. Balloon valvuloplasty will stabilize the valve and allow us to do the transplant. It's only a stopgap. In a month we're back at square one needing to replace the valve, only now the patient's fresh off a transplant. Then we open him up, replace the aortic valve, and do the transplant afterwards. I don't want him open that long. Invites a whole host of complications. Okay. How about this? We do the valve replacement and the lung transplant at the same time. We'll do a trans-aortic valve replacement first... Less invasive. Cardiologist can go in through the groin via catheter to fix the valve. Once they're done, we'll move on with the transplant. Yes, sir. A brain infection... Like meningitis? You can treat this with antibiotics, can't you? Possibly. We did catch this one early. This is cerebritis, not meningitis, which is not only serious but stems from some underlying condition, one we have yet to find. So... more tests? Afraid so. Hey. Third period, son. We got this. Mr. Cooper... mind if I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure. Hang tight. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. Hey. Hey. Look, I couldn't help but notice earlier... The CTE. - Yeah. - Yeah, I know. I know. I got it under control. Mr. Cooper, the disease is progressive. You think I don't know that? I have a private physician, a team doctor from when I played, and he says it's not too bad. And Bret? Bret is fine. All right? The game's changed, huh? Safer. Better equipment, better penalty regulations... Does he know? Well, I don't really see how that's any of your damn business. Bret deserves the truth. What kind of father keeps his kid in the dark? Hey, you watch what you say to me! Dr. Choi! I apologize for my colleague, sincerely. Why don't you, um, why don't you go check on your wife and son? I'm very sorry about that. Okay. Thanks. He's keeping it from Bret. And so you thought threatening him would make him more forthcoming? That's my conversation anyway. Why didn't you page me? Wouldn't have helped... Guy's in total denial. Oh, he is? Huh. This is why you go to therapy and why you stick with it. Come on. What the hell? Can I talk to you for a minute? Why did you administer vitamin K to my patient without consulting me? His clotting was slow. It's standard protocol, and I think you mean our patient. Your protocol may have caused a pulmonary embolism. You have no grounds to say that. Any number of things could've happened. He has been battling his vasculopathy for years. Oh, so now he was a ticking time bomb? That's not what I said, and if you had listened, you'd know that. I heard you loud and clear. You thought nothing was wrong, and where is Tim now? He was stable when I left him. You better think about what you're saying right now. Nat, that vitamin K made him throw a clot. You don't know that. If you hadn't interfered, he'd still be here. No, this is not about me. This is about you and the mess that you made when you resuscitated Jennifer Baker against her DNR. Well, blaming me for this is not gonna make that right. Hey, I paged you twice. Shouldn't you be operating? No, the patient arrested. Cardiologist is doing a TAVR, and I had a minute and figured we might grab a bite to eat. Sit. I... you know, maybe I'm missing something. I-I just... I pitched Downey at least four solutions, right? Not one bullet hit its mark. You know, half the time, I feel like I'm the chosen one. The other half, I feel like I'm failing him. I just can't get a read on the guy. Mind if we talk about something else? Is there something we should be talking about, 'cause I get the feeling... Damn, uh... I gotta go. Look, we'll pick this up later, okay? Yeah. Often, brain infections are caused by inflammation in the sinuses and in the ears. Your ears look okay. Always know you wanted to be a doctor? - Yes. - Huh. And no. As a kid, I was intrigued by anatomy, dissecting frogs and looking at their organs under the microscope. But here I am in the E.D. I never thought I'd be dealing with people in their most difficult times. And you? Hockey... Hockey is... Well, it's so... - Vicious? - Well, yeah. Yeah. I don't understand how someone could risk all of their teeth for a game. My dad played pro, and I was skating before I could walk. Even if I wanted a different career, nothing else would feel right on me. Guess you can't escape who you are. You've got a little dried blood in your nose, but it's probably just because of the fall. Oh, no, I had a nosebleed this morning. I get 'em all the time. All the time? Yeah, it's no big deal. Can I take a look in your mouth, please? Okay. I'll be right back. - Ms. Goodwin? - Yeah? My schedule... I would like to be on different shifts - than Dr. Halstead. - Oh? I think it's in the best interest of our patients. It's nothing personal. It sounds personal. You two at odds? That's putting it mildly. Listen, I couldn't honor your request even if I wanted to. With the hospital under scrutiny, any changes with Dr. Halstead could be interpreted as culpability. It's status quo until the dust clears. You know, when I'm faced with a snarling dog, I try to remind myself it's self-preservation that's making him show his teeth. Sinuses and ears were clear of infection, but Bret gets frequent nosebleeds, has since he was a kid, and he's got dilated vessels on the inside of his mouth. You're thinking HHT? It's rare, but it fits the symptoms. Okay, let's get a CT chest and belly - and see what comes back. - Okay. Reese, good call. No sign of foreign bodies. No abnormalities in my external exam. What's your theory? Pulmonary embolism. He came into the E.D. with mild CHF and was dead in a couple hours. I'm gonna start with the chest then. A pulmonary embolism wouldn't manifest this much blood. Give me some suction. Definitely not a PE. Give me your hand. - You feel that? - Mmhmm. You feel the hole? Ruptured aortic aneurysm. He didn't stand a chance. So I was wrong. Nothing you or anyone else could've done. Yeah. Just go at him right there... Hey, Bret. Mr. and Mrs. Cooper, Bret, we got our chest CT back. Why don't we have a seat? Okay. Okay. Bret has a condition called Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia or HHT. HHT? What's that? Hey, hey, it's okay, son. It causes the blood vessels in different parts of the body to form fragile bundles called arterial venous malformations. These AVMs can sometimes allow bacteria to seep into the blood and spinal fluid and cause an infection. - Is it curable? - It's manageable. The AVMs can be repaired, but they have a tendency to recur. Okay, so what does it mean? I can still play, right? We'll try to monitor any AVMs that might develop, but if there's an AVM we don't know about, one wrong hit, and you could suffer a catastrophic bleed. Look, I'm sorry, Bret, but it's my recommendation that you quit hockey. Okay, listen, if he's had this his whole life, why is it only a problem now? Yeah... You know what? I am getting a second opinion. Hey, it's gonna be okay, sweetie. Mind if we have a minute? I'll be right outside. You said if I take the wrong hit, you're saying I could die? That's what I'm saying. Listen to me. I know what you're thinking. "One in a million hit can't happen to me," but it can. It can. I know. Think about it. You'll find another path... And it'll feel right. I'm sure of it. I was so certain I was right. I did everything I could, covered every single base... I'm sure you did. The worst part... I attacked a colleague. A friend. You're under a lot of pressure. Everyone knows that. If you apologize, I'm Dr. Manning will understand. It's her, right? Why don't we rain-check dinner tonight? It's okay. Thanks, Zoe. We are ready to transplant. Not yet. You cut too shallow. If the vessels are too long. They could thrombose. Here, trim the atrial cuff. Not too deep. Not too quickly. Don't want to damage the vessel. Good. All right, let's get the lungs in. Maybe you should take over. Let's get the lungs in. Yes, sir. The aortic cannula's loose. BP and sats falling. Get him clamped now or he's gonna bleed out. Got it. He's clamped. And the pressure is improving. Let's get the lungs in and get him off the pump. Are you all right? You're gonna have to take lead from here. Okay, I'll cover you. I'm ready for the lung. Here, Doctor. Bronchus first, followed by the left atrial cuff and the pulmonary artery. Good. Let's start sewing. 4-0 Prolene. And that's the cerebellum. You see what Bret tweeted? "Off my skates for a couple of days," but I'll be back at All Star Clinics, "stronger than ever. #Downbutnotout." Seriously? He's still gonna play? I told him he could die. Boys will always want to be better than their fathers, which is precisely what their fathers want. Ready to go? "What price glory," right? Headed out? Made your decision? Yep, just now. Let me guess... E.D. strikes again. No... pathology. What? It's the patients. They come in, and you want to help them. You care about them, so you try to connect, and, just when you think you're getting through, they go back to what they were doing before. And it's like you were never even there... Like everything you did was for nothing. I can't take a life of that. I'll see you tomorrow. I am in no mood, Will. I get it. Natalie, I'm sorry. It wasn't the vitamin K. I was wrong. You, wrong? Amazing. Yeah. I've been an ass, not just today... Since last week... Before that. I should not have yelled at you. Why do you always take things out on me? You invite me in, and then you push me back. You ask for my opinion, and then you completely ignore me. It hurts, Will. You wouldn't treat anyone else like this, so why me? Don't you know? No. Mr. Mosconi's gas exchange is good. We'll rest him overnight, hopefully extubate him in the morning. I thought maybe you'd be at home resting after that episode in the O.R. Episode? You didn't need me to take over. I've usually found, Dr. Rhodes, that when given responsibility, people rise to the occasion. I know the last few weeks have been... challenging, and I'd be lying if I said the months to come will be any easier. I have an impossible amount to teach you in a diminishing amount of time. You don't have to show me how smart you are, and you don't have to please me. Just learn. He's breathing on his own. Indeed he is. Sorry about dinner. Wasn't sure you were gonna show. - I... - What is it? I've been talking to Dr. Charles, the hospital psychiatrist. Shared some things about my service... tough things. You don't have to explain. I know. I thought if I didn't think about it or talk about it... I'm here. My dad was Navy. That why you enlisted? It just always seemed like that was what I was gonna do. There's a room full of kids in there who are gonna ask you about your service. What are you gonna tell 'em? That I'd do it again. Scotch... rocks. Thanks. Who's winning? The Blackhawks by one. Nice. Thanks. We haven't exactly been the same since I started with Downey. No, we haven't. Sam, I know this can't be easy for you... But if you're gonna make me choose between you and Downey... It's gonna be Downey. Yeah. I'm not gonna make you choose. Last season on "Just Add Magic"... - What is it? - It's a cookbook. My grandma's. Grandma and I never made any of these recipes. These are totally magical. Kelly: Grandma isn't sick. She's under a magic spell. I know that the cure is in the cookbook. The magic has a mind of its own. There's never not been a downside. You are dealing with powerful forces you cannot control. I gave the book to your grandmother and her friends. I hope you will be wiser than they. This is my curse. When I play outside my house, no one can hear me. I haven't been able to leave Saffron Falls for over 40 years. Hopefully, together we can help your grandmother. Mama P never had any intention of helping Grandma Quinn. It was always about breaking her own curse. So long, suckers! Jake. He's frozen. Everybody's frozen. Kelly: I think it wants us to create our own recipe. I believe in our cake. I believe in us. Hannah: That cake unfroze the town, brought Kelly's grandma back, and broke Miss Silvers' curse. What if all curses are broken. We spent years trying to bring him back. Are you talking about Chuck Hankins? I'm telling you, he took a bite, and then just disappeared into thin air. Grandma Quinn: If Chuck's back, nobody's safe. Kelly, you haven't touched your cake. There was a lot of... cake at the pluot festival. It's delicious. Well, you can thank your dad. He's the one who picked it up from the grocery store. I got it from the fancy section. Another piece, Mom? Mom, answer me. Are-- are you-- I'm fine, Scott. You didn't answer me. I thought you were-- I was taking a sip of water. I'm sorry, it's just-- I'm still so shocked. How do we know you're back for good? I am. Trust me. Can we have cake every day now? Mm, I don't know about that, but how about a game of Monopoly? I'm the shoe. Oh, you're gonna have to play without me. Why? Are you feeling sick? Everything's fine. In fact, it's just perfect. I just want to get some sleep. So, thank you for the party. Tomorrow, I'll whup all of you in Monopoly, and I get to be the shoe. Grandma. What are we gonna do about Chuck? Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out tomorrow. But you said if Chuck's back, then no one's safe. I just overreacted. Let's just get some sleep tonight. Chuck. Gina: Hold on. You're sure it was him? You didn't see his face. It was him, Gina. It doesn't seem possible. He's been gone 50 years. Ordinarily, I'd agree with you, but I never thought I'd see an entire town freeze before my eyes, either. You shouldn't have gone out there alone, Grandma. If Chuck is dangerous, then you could have gotten hurt. Don't worry about me. If he's out there, then we need to find him. Yes, and fast. I had a feeling you were gonna say that. Wow. I haven't seen that in a long time. May I? It's so strange holding it again after all these years. It's like old times. "Miso-Person's Soup." "The person you seek will appear in the broth crystal clear. "You will know where they are, be it far or near." Okay. That's cool. It's like a crystal ball. Yes. Way cool. Werpoes, lapsis, tofu. I think we have all of the ingredients. Except one. What's a grunde fingerroot? Grunde? I've never heard of that before. The grunde family are vision spices. That will allow us to see Chuck in the broth. So where do we get it? It grows in my garden. Honestly, I've never had a reason to use it. Well, you do now. Let's go get it. It's not that easy. The root can only be harvested one day a year. - What? When? - Halloween. It's only May. We can't wait 'til Fall. Who knows what damage Chuck could do by then. It's okay. We can find another way to locate Chuck. Somehow. What took so long? Darbie walks slow. What's the big news? I found a spell. I was flipping through the book, and it landed on this. Hannah: "Pick-A-Date Dates." First of all, I don't eat dates. You can make an exception. This will allow us to go back in time. Pick a date. We can go back to Halloween, and get the grunde fingerroot from Miss Silvers' garden. And then we can come back and make the Miso-Person's Soup, and find Chuck. Okay. Best spell ever. But if we're going back in time, I say we go see dinosaurs. How will that help us get the grunde fingerroot? Maybe they had Halloween in dinosaur times? Well, maybe they did, but Miss Silvers wasn't around in dinosaur times. Let's just go back to last year. Last year? Oh, that was a bad Halloween. Yeah, I didn't like my costume. And somebody pushed me into the jelly bean display at Mama P's, which was totally embarrassing. I know, and Hannah went home sick, but at least we know what to expect. This whole thing just feels dangerous. Not as dangerous as having Chuck running around. I really don't think we should do this. Well, what about your grandma? What did she say? I, um-- I didn't tell her. She just got back to normal and has enough stress worrying about Chuck. Okay, you're right. It's up to us. I agree. But I still think seeing dinosaurs would be cooler. Okay, I- - I think we have everything, but there isn't a riddle. But the riddle's my favourite part. Wait, what's this? It's just a bunch of notes scribbled in German. Kelly: [reading in German] Here, I'll run it through my translator app. I think this is the riddle, guys. "Back in time you go, date any you pick. "Half to go, half to come back. "One way ticket this is. "Nine more chances you have." Yes. That doesn't rhyme. It's the free version. Okay, remember, the important thing is we eat half to get there and half to get back. So do not lose it, Darbie. Maybe you should hold onto it for me, just in case. Okay, here we go. Take us to last Halloween. Did it work? I don't think so. Everything looks the same. But we followed the recipe. Yes! I thought you'd be a little scared. Sorry, Dad. You were very frightening. Hopefully not too scary. I don't want to upset the trick-or-treaters. I wouldn't worry. Well, I'm off to the store to buy more candy. You always buy too much, Dad, especially last year. I mean, this year. I know, but this way there'll be plenty left over. For me. So now what? We better get to Miss Silvers'. Let me grab a sweater, though. I'm dressed for summer. Kelly: We don't need a map, Darbie. Well, we don't have time to waste on houses that pass out generic candy. Hey, why isn't my house on the map? I love your parents, but carrot packs are not candy. That was close. We almost ran into our past selves. How could we not think of this? Yeah. That would seriously scar me for life. I have an idea. Come on. I really think I should have been the bear. You know I love bears. But Darbie, you wanted to be the knight. I didn't see the bear. Guys, we did our best. It's Halloween night, all the good costumes were gone. Let's just focus. Fine, but next year, I get to be the bear. I love bears. Okay, I'll get the grunde root while you guys keep Miss Silvers busy. Are you guys actually trick-or-treating at Silvers' house? Yeah. She's a witch. Well, not exactly. I wouldn't eat anything she gives you. What do you think you're doing? TP-ing Silvers'. It's a tradition. Well, not this year. Yeah. Leave her alone. Or we'll tell her what you were going to do. Who knows what that crazy witch will do to you. Poor Miss Silvers. Everyone thinks she's scary. Well, so did we last year. I mean, I still think she's kind of scary. But she means well. Come on, let's go. What do you want? Trick or treat. I know what you're up to. You're going to TP my house. No. We're just walking around the neighbourhood for Halloween. Trick or treat. One sec. Ooh, mini peanut butter cups. Nice. Well, here, take more. I guess I could have some more. It's okay, I don't get many visitors. I really like your costumes. The bear is really cute. Thank you. Have fun tonight. Did you get it? No. Someone took it. It just doesn't make any sense. Maybe Miss Silvers harvested it for some reason. No, I think she would have told us that when we talked about the spell in her kitchen. Where are you going? I'm not travelling all the way to Halloween and not getting candy. Her garden is filled with secret spices, it just seems strange that the one we want just happens to be the only one that someone stole. Well, that's the last time I go to that house. Look what they gave out. - Toothpaste? - Oh, yeah. That's my dentist's house. Can I have it? I love cool mint. So I guess we should go home now, huh? I mean present home, not past Halloween home. We can't. We came here for the grunde fingerroot, and we're gonna find it. How? There's only one person that I can think of that knows magic, and would steal something from Miss Silvers. All: Mama P. This year, I'm gonna win. All I have to do is guess how many are in there, and I'll be eating jelly beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This is so itchy. I wish Little Red Riding Hood wore a sweatshirt. Yeah, and my stomach is killing me. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. Here. Maybe you need to eat something. How's a peanut butter cup going to help my stomach? How won't it? Look at Mama P. Remember how everyone loved her? Hannah: I could see through her act now. She's so phony. I bet those free samples she's handing out are magical. To get people to buy things in her shop. Still, they look good. No, Darbie. Guys, it's Jake. Uh, hi. Welcome to Mama P's, and happy Halloween. Would you care for a mini burrito? I made them myself. It's Jake's first time cooking at the shop. Thank you, Mama P. And thanks for the opportunity. Nonsense. Thank you. Just remember me when you're a famous chef. Mm, I could eat your Jakeritos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. - Jake what-os? - She means... they're amazing. Jakeritos. I like the sound of that. Sorry, guys. This past-present stuff is confusing. It's about to get more confusing. Look. Come on. This is creeping me out. I know, look how young we looked. It was six months ago. Yeah, but pre-magic Darbie was much more innocent. The bumblebee costume wasn't as bad as I thought. Okay, we need to get into the spice cabinet, get the grunde root, and get out of here. How are we gonna get into the cabinet? I mean, this place is packed. Look. All: Charlotte. Great. That's all we need. Charlotte. Great. That's all we need. Charlotte. - Hi, Hannah. - Happy birthday, Charlotte. Thanks. Nice costume, Darbie. Why aren't you at your big birthday party, Charlotte? It hasn't started yet. The haunted house people are still setting up. You have haunted house people? Yeah. Ugh, she's so pretentious. She's not that bad, Kell. You're just upset 'cause she's captain of the basketball team and you're not. I don't want to be captain. But if I was, I would treat people better. - She's mean. - Yeah. Especially when you miss a three-pointer. And a lay up. And pass to the wrong team. There's no way we're gonna to be able to get in the pantry without being seen. Actually, there is. Remember all the commotion after I got pushed into the jelly bean display? Yeah, they went everywhere. When Mama P goes to clean it up, we could slip in. It's gonna happen any moment now. Some stupid knight is gonna push me into the-- Oh. You know what you have to do. How weird. Actually, not really. Nice costume. I'm Dar-bee. I'm Dar-lene. You had a chance to go trick-or-treating yet? A little bit. Make sure you avoid the house on Elmwood with the big inflatable witch. They give out toothpaste. And you may want to do your algebra homework. There could be a surprise quiz next week O-kay. Come on, come on, hurry. There's a lot of spices in here. Oh. I got it. I can't believe some jerk pushed me, and didn't even apologise. Let's just get back to trick-or-treating. Oh, my stomach hurts. Are you okay? Yeah, I'll be fine. I just need some rest. I should go home. What were you doing back there? Uh... looking for the bathroom. It's right there. Under the sign. Open your bags. That's not necessary. We were really just lost. Open. All right. But that area is for employees only. Keep out. That was close. Where'd you put the grunde root? In the Jack-O-Lantern bag right-- - Oh, no. - You put it in my bag? I mean, not my bag, but past me's bag? Come on. - Darbie! - Sorry, guys. I wasn't thinking. I had to do something quickly. It's okay. We can deal with this. Hannah went home sick, so all we need to do is go see her-- you, and switch the bags back. Actually, I... didn't go home. I kind of went to Charlotte's birthday party. - You lied? - Well, not completely. I didn't feel great. Look, she invited me, and I didn't want to tell you guys. Why would you go to Charlotte's party? I liked her back then. I thought you guys were too hard on her, but after I went, I realised you were right all along. She is mean. I can't believe this. That's why you didn't want to come back to this Halloween. I'm so sorry. I never should have lied to you guys. Well, we can't deal with this now. We have to go to Charlotte's party. * Wait for an invitation to arrive * * It's a dead man's party * * Who could ask for more? * Darbie: Look at this party. It really wasn't that fun. Is that a chocolate fountain? * Leave your body and soul at the door * Not fun, huh? I know it looks like I was having a good time, but I felt really guilty. Let's just find your Halloween bag. Where is it? Oh, that's right, I totally forgot. I misplaced my bag. You what? Well, I didn't remember until now. It wasn't important at the time. - Where'd you put it? - I don't know. Okay, retrace your steps. Let's see, um, I played a few games, made a Sundae, entered the dance contest, - then I-- - Sounds like you were miserable. I also went into the haunted house, but it was too scary, so I ran out. You know how much I hate scary things. Look, that criminal has it. Kelly, you can't just accuse him of st-- No. He's a criminal. * Walking down the street * Oh. * I was hit by something * * Last night in my sleep * He went in the haunted house. I am not going in there. I still have nightmares about it. We don't have a choice. Let's go. * Come and leave your body at the door * * Leave your body and soul at the door * Darbie: Whoa. Check out the zombie birthday cake. I think these spiders are real. - Stop! - Ow! Hannah. None of it's real. Except for the spiders. And I'm pretty sure that's a real coffin over there. - Okay, I can't do this. - Hannah, relax. Look. A piano. You love pianos. Not when it's being played by a dead mummy with no hands. Look, there's the criminal. What? ! No, don't leave me. What are you doing? That's my friend's Halloween bag. No, it's not. - Prove it. - Charlotte: Hey! What's going on? He stole my friend's Halloween bag. No, I didn't. Look, it has my initials inside. And my inhaler. - He proved it. - Oops. Sorry. Um, great costume. Wait. Who are you? I know everybody at my party. We were invited by the DJ. Get out. Or I'll get security. Seriously? Security? - We got kicked out. - Come on. Wait. I think I know where my bag is. Okay. Hurry. It's only fake. It's only fake. It's only fake. You, uh, texting your mom again? It's Kelly. She's checking in on me. I told her I didn't feel well. Mm. Why didn't you invite them? I mean, almost everyone else from the basketball team is here. Why would I? I mean, Kelly's jealous that I'm captain, and Darbie-- Well, no offence, but I just don't get her. Well, no offence, but Kelly should be captain, and Darbie, she's awesome. Look, I'm sorry, but they're lame. You can be friends with whoever you want, though. You're right. I can. I can't believe I blew my friends off for this party. Talk about lame. It's only fake. It's only fake. - I got it. - Yes. Turns out, I left it in the haunted house. You're the best. I am? Thanks for sticking up for us. Oh. You saw that. Hey, I'm sorry I ditched you. You guys are the best. Maybe on the way back we can trick-or-treat a little more? Yeah. Yeah, totally. I don't know about you, but I can't wait for this night to end. Promise me next time we go back to see the dinosaurs. Deal. After that haunted house, dinosaurs don't seem that scary. Okay, and half to get back. Did it work? Everything looks the same. Ooh, leftover Halloween candy from last year. Yes, it's leftover. Because it's summer. Right? - You okay? - Yeah, fine, just too much sugar. - You want a piece? - No, thanks. Maybe just one. We did it. Now we can find Chuck. Wherever he is... he can't hide. [rock music playing] [Coughing] I like you're style, man. Like your style. [Siren wailing] Ah, fuck. Fuck. [Police radio chatter] Ah, you motherfucker. [Music continues, muffled] [Music stops] You have any idea how fast you were going there? No. Is that marijuana you're smoking? Yeah. Sir, do you have any idea what the penalty in Nevada is for driving under the influence of cannabis? I would imagine it might not be too good. Sir, step out of the car, please. Oh, what the fuck with this guy over here now. Step out of the car, please. All right. Fuck. Can you recite the alphabet for me? 10, 9, 8, 7... - [laughs] - You fuckin'... - Get the fuck over here. - How you been, Dice? "You know how fast you were fucking going?" I'm good. Here. Go ahead. Yeah, okay. Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. Mm. Just take one long hit and give it back. No, no, I got to take tiny puffs. I'm on the job. Mm, did I tell you? Guess who I arrested last Tuesday. Who? My first celebrity pull-over... fucking Sam Aykroyd. Sam Aykroyd. Mm. Who's that? Ghostbust... "Coneheads." Little movie called "The Great Outdoors." You know what? I think you're smoking too much. That's Dan Aykroyd. No, no, this guy's name was Samuel... Samuel. Exactly, you got the wrong fucking guy. Well, fuck, I got his autograph for my kid. What the fuck am I supposed tell my kid? - Don't worry about it. - [police radio chatter] All right, I got to get back to work. What are you doing? There's half a fucking joint there. What are you? Stupid? Fuck, I'm sorry, man. I'm just so high right now. [Rock music plays] Oh! [Crowd chanting "Dice"] Top of the world, ma. ♪ ♪ ♪ Right now it isn't right ♪ No, it's no good. Did you hear that? The acoustics sound like shit. You guys might as well be playing underwater. O-okay, it is what it is, dad. Don't make us look like assholes. You're right, you're right. You guys just worry about your show, and I'll handle the acoustic situation. I mean, I'm your manager. Dad, there's really no situation. Let me handle this. Wheels, what are you doing? Hey, Dice. How you doing, man? No, I'm good. It's just, uh... Feel the sound's a little off? Ah, it sounds fine. You kidding me? We got bands here every night. I mean, Aerosmith played here. They didn't complain. Early Aerosmith or late Aerosmith? What's the difference? Aerosmith. I'm telling you, Ronnie's a great sound guy. Ronnie? Ronnie's not even listening. He looks like he's trying to get blown. Relax, it's all good. Here, try some of these. Uh-huh. [Chuckles] These wings are fantastic here. I'm glad you feel that way. Look at this. "Dice's favorite hot wings!" With you face right in the middle. Wait a minute. Wheels, that's not what we agreed on. That was it. You said you would vouch for my wings, and I would let the kids play. That was the deal. I said I'd vouch. You said they were fantastic. Yeah, fantastic's different than favorite. Here, Aerosmith is fantastic, but Led Zeppelin is my favorite. You understand? Your wings are fantastic and nothing more. All right, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. I love the hot wings. Let me go check on the sound guy, okay? [Guitar strumming] Uh, ex-excuse me. Uh, Can you give us a second? Man's trying to do his job. Oh, no, it's okay. This is my area. You can stay here. No, just for... just for a minute. - Just for a minute. Thank you. - It's just... What's with the cock block, Dice? The sound is off. You're not compensating for the acoustics. What the fuck does that even mean? Do you know how many concert halls I played in my life? This is a small place, you understand? And it's too loud. There's no room for the sound waves to travel. Look, sound board isn't the problem if you catch my drift. Yeah, and what drift is that? You got a problem with the sound, you take it up with your kids. Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute. You... you don't know me, okay? And I've been working on myself, so I'm gonna let that go, even though you're saying something about my boys. Oh. It's about your boys all right. It's about your boys sucking. Who says that? ! I just did! You motherfucker! All right, all right, I got something special here. Okay, look what I got now. Coffee cake, candy apples, and blunts. Look at that. I know it don't make up for what happened. Dad, we got to talk. Look, that place was a shit hole with so-so hot wings, okay? Moving on in the future as your manager, I'll be more discerning. Andrew, can you just stop talking for a second? They're trying to tell you something. Look, we think it's time to bring someone else onto the team. Andrew, I think maybe it's time. Oh. All right. Uh, how about... you know what? I'll call Milkshake in the morning. He could join the team. No, not Milkshake. You're right, not Milkshake. He'll just fuck things up even more. Can't we just table this discussion for another time? [Max] Actually, dad, an agent from L.A. reached out to us. So, what is this? Y-you're firing me? No, but, uh, look, you put the fucking sound guy's head through a subwoofer. And I told you that'll come out of my end. Look, something's got to change. And this agent, he seems pretty cool. His name's Brad Stevens. Stevens? Doesn't even sound like a real name. Sounds like someone... some guy in the witness protection program. Look, all we're asking is for you to meet with the guy. Dad, you've been a great manager. We just think we could use a little extra push. All right. I get it. All right, I'll meet with the guy. ♪ ♪ - Hi, there. - Hey, how's it going? Hi, there's reservation under Milkshake. Mr. Milkshake? Not Mr. Milkshake, just Milkshake. She's making me... making me sound like a cartoon character. No, no, no. It should be under Dice. Are you by any chance the party of three for Brad Stevens? It needs to be under Dice. Well, either way, I have your table. You're the first to arrive. I can seat you now. Let's do this. No, no, no, no, no. - No? - What is this? We show up on time, this guy shows up late... it's the ultimate power play. Let's go back to the truck. I'm... I'm starving, man. You know, the Kobe beef's supposed to be off the chain here. I don't give a shit. I got Swedish Fish in the car you could snack on. Wait, what if we order first, and then it's like the meeting started without him? That's the ultimate power play, right? The ultimate power play. We order, we eat, fuck him. That's what makes you a genius. Come on. Come on. Uh, excuse me, sir. What is that? It's A.1. Sauce. Sir, we have a policy that outside food isn't allowed. Pr-pretend like you didn't see it, okay? But I have seen it. And now that I've seen it, I can't unsee it. I'll put it back in my purse. Just bring us two orders of Kobe beef, okay? We're out of the Kobe beef. What is this? I feel like the whole universe is telling me to go fuck myself. Are you sure there's no Kobe beef? Because I was told by Sal Maldonado to come here. Sal Maldonado told me to order the Kobe beef, you know? And I think Sal Maldonado would be pretty upset if he found out that we came here and we didn't get any Kobe beef. Perhaps there is some Kobe beef left. Um, I will go check. Who the fuck is Sal Maldonado? Nobody, I made him up. Whenever I need something, I just drop the name Sal Maldonado. Sounds all mobbed up, and then they bring me whatever I want. Fucking idiot. Looks like we managed to find some Kobe beef after all. Feel free to use as much A.1. Sauce as you like. Sal Maldonado... I can't believe that fucking worked. Hey, Dice, let me ask you something. How much do you think Kobe Bryant makes every time someone buys his Kobe beef? You're kidding, right? Kobe Bryant has nothing to do with Kobe beef. Let me ask you this. We've eaten a lot of beef in our lives. Yeah, so? Well, did you ever hear of Kobe beef before Kobe Bryant started playing ball? You know what? You're blowing my mind right now. You know, we got to come up with a steak like... we'll come out with the Dice steak. The cubes, the pepper... How's everyone doing? I'm Brad Stevens. Sorry I'm late. Uh, it's okay. We started the meeting without you. Yeah, we ordered food already. Yeah, want to see a menu? Nope, nope, I don't eat in front of other people. Hunger is a sign of weakness. Let's get to it. Dice, simply put, I think your sons are savage. Savage. Yeah, they're savage... Stars. Yeah, well, you know what? I think that, too. Well, what you think isn't important, is it? You're they're father. You're meant to think the world of them. That is your job. And I respect that. I, on the other hand, have something called objectivity. - All right, hold on a sec. - I don't have time to hold on. I'm on a mission, Dice, to transform your offspring into international superstars. I'm not gonna stop until they're on the cover of Rolling Stone, until millions and millions of Asians are attempting to illegally download their music. You know, that all sounds good, but to think... No, no buts. I'm not here to audition for you, Dice. All right, that's now why I'm here. Are you in or out? You got five seconds to give me an answer. Five seconds? When does that start? What do you mean? Well, can the five seconds start tonight so I get the night to think about it? Well, that kind of defeats the purpose of a ticking clock. Who's side are you on? Look, I'm just testing you, okay? Enough games... Are you in or out? Yeah, I'm in. But let me tell you something. Come here. Come here, come here. You fuck with my kids... I'll kill you. I would expect nothing less. Now get out of here. Get out of here. Walk away. [Pounding] Wow. Right, babe? It's really starting to look like a... a recording studio. Wait, where'd you get all the egg cartons? Oh, over at Costco. You bought actual egg cartons with eggs inside? Yeah, as opposed to what? I mean, might you have to come up with some new egg dishes, but, you know, you're good like that. I think it's great what you're doing, but don't you think maybe it's time to just give the boys some space? [Sighs] I know, I know. If kids don't learn to grow up on their own, they can become codependent. Codependent, right? Codependency is actually what I'm looking for. Except then they grow up, and they don't know how to take care of themselves. Yeah, and that's where I'll fit in. I-I'll take care of them. Andrew. Listen, I'm not stupid. I know they're gonna grow up. I know they're gonna move out one day. Why do you think I'm letting them work with this, uh, Brad Stevens? This asshole, right? You know, Carmen, you know what the... What the fuck is this? Hey, Dad. Hey. What's going on? Come here, I want to show you something. I had some spare time today. I turned the whole garage into a recording studio. Yeah, you know what? This is the perfect place to work on stuff when we're not working in a top-of-the-line professional recording studio. Is that a barrel full of eggs? Yeah, it is. Where are you guys coming from? We just had a meeting with Roc-A-Fella Records. Really? Yeah, we did do our best to Skype you in, Dice. Why do you got to Skype me in? What, do I live in Timbuktu? You tell me where it is, and I'll be there. [Dillon] All right, all right. Relax, dad. Brad, can we just have a second with him? Yeah, yeah, say no more. I'll just roll calls. Roll calls, this motherfucker. Dad, we're sorry. - All right. All right. - I mean, the whole thing kind of came together real quick. But the meeting went great. - Really? - Yeah. That's really great. That's really great. [Rock music playing] I don't know, guys. I'm beside myself with my sons. I'm really going through it with them. [Man] That's why I left my kids before they could leave me. I was like, "Oh, no you don't. I'm abandoning you." I'm... I'm just kidding. You know, it's more about my broken relationship with their mother. They live in Flagstaff. They're doing great. I don't have any kids. That I know of. I happen to be best friends with my boys. [Marvin] Yeah, my kids used to be my best friends, but then this medicinal marijuana came around, and they don't need me anymore, so they're gone. Well, that's the thing... I do party with them. I do hang out with them. We spend a lot of time. I don't have any kids. That I know of. Really? You know, what you do with grown kids? Guilt trip. Make them feel guilty. Make them feel like absolute shit. And you're telling me that works? Just destroy their self-esteem. I mean, they're gonna hate you, but at least you get the Father's Day cards. My kids live with a guy named Chad, you know, and their mother. But they call him dad. I'm like, "Don't call him dad. His name's Chad. It's close, but it's not the same. Chad, dad... call him Chad." I don't have any kids. Milkshake. Really, give it a fucking rest, would you, please? ♪ ♪ [Door opens] [Max] And hopefully she responds, but it's kind of out of my control. [Door closes] Hey, Dad. What are you doing up? Uh, just waiting for you guys. What, were you out with that, uh, Brad Stevens? Yeah, yeah, he took us out. Yeah? Had a good time? Nice guy? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's... he's pretty cool. So, what are you saying? What does that even mean? Your dad's not cool? Come on, dad, don't be like that. Don't be like that? Max, everything's changing. You know, we don't hang out the way we used to. We don't talk the way we used to. The other night, we're sitting there, we're watching "Scarface," one of our favorites. And you guys are watching with me, but I felt like... like you were thinking about him. Brad's just a good agent. Yeah, I mean the guy's savage. He's savage? It just means he's doing a good job. I'm savage. I'll get you booked in... in a giant fucking venue. I mean, is that savage enough for you? [Woman] All right, what can I do for you, Dice? What's going on? Uh, you know what it is? No, I'm like in a really good mood and everything. I mean, in... in a way, it's almost like... like we're becoming family. You know what I mean? Like almost like my kids are your kids. What are you getting at? All right, I-I need a little favor, okay? I need you to book my kids in the... in the big room. Just for one night. Their band plays the big room. It'll be incredible. And you do that for me, I'll do anything you want. Did I miss the part where your children excreted from my vagina? From what? I said, "Did I miss the part where your children excreted from my vagina?" No, not really, not like that. Like, not in a physical... Okay, so they're not my kids. Your kids are your kids. And we are not in any way, any kind of family. [Sighs] Okay. You're a hard nut to crack, I got to tell you that right now. I mean, you know, honestly, you don't do this for me, you know, I'm gonna walk. I mean, that's it, no more shows, no nothing. I'm out of here, honey. What are you thinking? This is a fucking high school? You're under contract. You will continue to dance every night like the fucking monkey that you are. You will tell your stupid jokes. You will swing your tiny dick. And you will not bother me with this bullshit anymore. ♪ ♪ [Water spraying] [Brad] Ah! [Sliding door opens] Hey, Snake Eyes. What? Do you get it? Dice... Snake Eyes. Don't call me that. Okay, I'll call you Snake 'cause snake is short for snake eyes. Actually, it's much better... Snake. Did your mother drop you on your fucking head? What did I say? I said don't fucking call me that. You're funny. All right, I got to get going. The boys will fill you in on the good news. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about? What good news? Yeah, I scored them a string of meetings with some AR guys in L.A. Quite big hitters actually. And the best part is afterwards, we're gonna party at Skybar with Robin Thicke. What? Why didn't you let me know what's going on? I'm downloading you right now. No, you're uploading me right now, right? No, I'm downloading you. Trust me. Oh, actually, while I have you here. Yeah. What's your take on Filipinos? On... on Fili... What... what the fuck? Who gives a fuck about Filipinos? Exactly, that's what I keep saying. Make sure you pack some extra underwear just in case you get stuck in L.A. for a few days. You know, bring the nice ones. I mean, you're gonna be hanging out with Alan Thicke over there. It's, uh, Robin Thicke. Uh, yeah, Alan Thicke, Robin Thicke, all the Thickes, you know? The... You're gonna get laid. Hey, thanks for being so cool about all this. I mean... That's okay. I'm your father. You're my boys. Come on. Hey, and check out that gift basket from Brad. - Oh, yeah. - A lot of cool stuff in there. I mean, help yourself to some Toblerone. Wait a minute. Did, uh... Did Brad ask you to sign these? Yeah, we got to mail those out. No, no, no, no, no. I'll... I'll... I'll handle this. If there's one thing I know, it's contracts. ♪ ♪ [Siren wailing] [Car door closes] License and registration. Please step out of the car, sir. What seems to be the problem? Please step out of the car. Will you open the trunk for me, please? Why? There's nothing in there. Sir, would you please open the trunk for me? See? We all good? Will you get in trunk please? What are you talking about? Sir, I need you to step inside the trunk. - Why? - What are you? Half deaf in both your fucking ears? Get in the fucking trunk. Wait, what the hell is going on? Get the fuck in the fucking trunk! - You stupid fuck. - No, no, no, no, no! Hey, listen. You think what we're doing here might be a little, uh, I don't know, excessive? Stop it, will you? It's, uh, some fucking shenanigans. What are we doing? 'Cause I can get into a hell of a lot of trouble for this, you know? Excuse me! Excuse me! Give me that fuckin' thing, you crazy fuck. [Stifled] This is gonna be fun. Brad fuckin' Stevens. [Coughs] Brad fuckin' Stevens, asshole. ♪ Huh! ♪ Let me ask you somethin'. - Yeah. - If I do that barbecue... Yeah. You're gonna bring the new girl, right? Ohh, the new girl? With those fuckin' big cow tits? - Ohh. - You got to bring her. - You got any gum on you? - No, I got gum in the car. - We can go back. - [pounding on trunk] Yeah. You listenin' to me right here? [Brad] Yes, I can hear you, but it's really hot! Let me out! Let me ask you somethin'. Did you think for a split fuckin' second that I would let you take my boy's royalties? You're right. I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry. I really am. Bullshit. You know what, pal? You better think very carefully about what comes out of this trunk in the next few seconds 'cause I will bury you out here, you understand? Okay, okay. You're right. Just let me out, and I'll have a new contract drawn up. Yeah, if I let you out of here, I don't ever want to see you again. Do you understand that? - I understand that. - Do you fuckin' understand? I understand that! Yeah, you got that, Hollywood douche bag? ! Why'd you scream in my fuckin' ear? I feel like fuckin' choking you to death, - you understand? - I'm just doing the thing. We're just fuckin' around here. All right, all right, all right. All right, I'm gonna let you out. G-go ahead. Let him out. Let this asshole out. [Trunk clicking] - What's going on? - Fob's not working. What's the problem? Uh, something's wrong here. One second. What fob? I know. I'm hitting the button, but his car sucks. What does fob mean? What's a fob? The fob is the button. It's the trunk button. That's what they call this? Really? - Yeah. - I never even that. - I'll be honest with you. - Yeah. - That's standard issue now. - Push the fob. What's wrong with your, uh... your fob thing? What the hell's going on? ! I don't know. The trunk's not open. Open the... There's a lever in the front seat. It's next to the driver's door. - Go check for the fuckin' lever. - Guess I'll check the lever. - Is it working? - Does it look like it's working? I'm clicking it. Is it working? I'm pulling the lever. - Just... - [pounding on trunk] - What did you do? ! - I didn't do anything. - What did you do? ! You got something stuck! - Hey, check this. - I'm sorry. Your fuckin' shirt is stuck in the fuckin' thing! Stop pulling against me! - The fuck did he do? - I didn't do anything! You can't even stay in your fuckin' trunk - like a normal person! - Get me out of here. - The fuck are we gonna do? - I can't get it out of here. - The fuck are we doing? - I don't know. He's stuck in there. We got to get the trunk open. I'm gonna fuckin' die in here. All right, you know what? You know what? Let's just get in the fuckin' car, - take the car back to my house. - You got to help me. I got tools there. I got a fuckin' drill. Get in the car. Get in the fuckin' car! All right! I'm getting in the car! [Hard rock music plays] He's been in there for awhile, and he hasn't made a peep. There's not very much air back there. This heat? I mean, this could be bad, Dice. - He could die back there. - He's not dead. And if he's dead, uh, you know, it's like shenanigans that went bad. We didn't do nothing. Wh... No, a dead body is more than shenanigans. That's murder, Dice. I'm a cop. You know what they do to cops in jail? Would you just relax and pay attention to the road? Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You'll get up there, yeah, you'll just, you know, do your dirty nursery rhymes and be the most popular guy in the cellblock. Oh, wait a minute here. You're gonna sum up a 30-year career with just some dirty nursery rhymes? [Music continues] [Tires screeching] - Come on. - You got a fuckin' drill? It's on the floor. It's on the fuckin' floor! All right. Got it. Come on. This fuckin' guy. What I went through with this motherfuck already. Open the fucking thing! Aw, shit. - No, no, no, no. - Fuck! I told you this was gonna happen! Where we gonna bury this fuckin' g... Stand back. Stand back. - What? - Move. [Grunting] Yeah? Yeah. [Sighs] [Laughs] Get over here, you crazy fuck. What the fuck? - Hey, buddy. - Fuck you. Just so... Just some harmless shenanigans, right, Brad? Hey, you want a sandwich? Come on. You're okay. Come on. Now get the fuck out of your trunk of your own car. [Hard rock music plays] ♪ Yes, tonight I sing alone ♪ ♪ 'Cause the world's unhappy ♪ How you doing, guys? - Wheels. - How are you? These are on the house. Send my best to, uh, Mr. Sal Maldonado. Will do. Gentlemen, drink up. Compliments of Sal Maldonado. Cheers. Cheers. How you know Sal Maldonado? I don't. I... He... He doesn't... He doesn't exist. He sure does exist. He's, like, one of the biggest gangsters in Atlantic City. [Stammers] Bullshit. I made... I made it... I made it... I made that up. I... You didn't make it up, and I know for a fact that he's on his way, bringing part of his operation here to Vegas. That's impossible. I-I came up with that name out of thin air. No, I mean, maybe you heard it somewhere before, you know, like, uh, the way Vanilla Ice stole that song from Queen? You know, got in your head. You... You never heard of the "Maldonado necktie"? You know, they cut your dick and balls off, and they tie it all around your neck. They're fuckin' crazy. He's messin' with you. Asshole. I know. He's bullshitting. Come on, man! He was bullshitting me. All right. He was bullshitting you. What are you, stupid? - Trying to freak me out, here. - We could've done that forever. - Come on, now. - I don't need this now. [Hard rock music plays] Hello. Have you ever thought about a movie career? No. So would you want one? No. That's too bad, you have a great face. You don't see faces like yours every day. That's a definite no? You sure you don't want to try an audition, something? Something like what? - Like an audition. - No. Come on, he's usually harmless. All right, go on. He's been skittish lately because of the wolves. He's been attacked so many times that... I'm not sure he'd take on a wolf, but he's a pain with hikers. Are there lots of wolves around here? I don't carry this to shoot rabbits. It's a real headache, you know. I don't doubt it. No, you have no idea what it's like. Would you mind if I say down for a bit? No, I'm happy to see someone. Have a seat. What brings you to these parts? I love this prairie. And I'm interested in wolves, actually. Interested how? Like everyone. They scare and fascinate me. But I'd like to see one. Well, they're a pain in the ass. And not just here. I know, but we can't kill them all. They won't disappear entirely. But they need to taste lead, they're not stupid. They won't hunt deer or boar if they can chow down on sheep. Whereas, if they take a few bullets from time to time... Anyway, what do you care if there are wolves here or anywhere in France or in Europe? You don't see them. And you never will. It's part of life, even the vipers I don't want them to disappear. Are you sure you'd be bummed if vipers disappeared? No, I'm not sure. You don't raise sheep for their own sake? They eventually get slaughtered? They're mainly for milk. And when they can't give anymore? You can't keep every lamb. Some die from sickness. The wolf can't kill too many. But that makes a huge difference. As long as you're compensated... It's not so simple. We have to find the remains for that. And miscarried lambs and missing ewes aren't covered. Neither are lambs who die of fright. Even for us, it's scary. And even if we're covered, we don't want to feed the wolves. Who's he? Leo, a friend. Gimme a kiss? Go on, he won't bite. How was your day? Enzo hurt Cassandra. - That's not true, Cassandra! - Leo, my dad. Hello. Hello. I ran into her on the prairie. We had a nice chat. Shh. Shh. Are you going home now? I don't have one anymore. Where do you live? I have stuff everywhere. With friends, with old neighbors. I stay in hotels or camp out, depends. If you have nowhere to go, you can stay here. Wait! Want to try? Give him a break. Can you pick me up, please? Yes! You kidding? If he was younger, he'd just quit. It's too hard with the wolves. But at 50, what can he do? Gradually, that's what'll happen. The shepherds will all quit. The sheep will be raised indoors, and you'll all be happy. - Stop, no one wants that. - It's what'll happen. And wolves didn't cause this mess. They sure didn't help. I only came back because I had nowhere else to go. My dad needs a helping hand, but I don't want to be a shepherd forever. Hear that? Hello. Thanks. - Have a good one. - You too. 1. Ext. A Long Straight Road - Day Leny is at the wheel of his car. No, that's not really it. Anyway, it won't stop me from coming to see you. But I'm on a roll, so... You know ... I don't want to break my stride. Not yet, but I'll probably send you something in two weeks. It won't be finished, but pretty close. I don't know. No rush, but could you wire... say next week... I dunno, 5,000? 3,000? Great, thanks. And I promise I'll send it in 2 or 3 weeks, OK? OK, great. Take care. Hello. Here. Thanks. You alright? I'm alright. It's not too hard? At least it's been nice out. Goodbye. Hi there. Remember me? I'm looking for the kid who was here last time. Oh yeah, I remember. He didn't like your advances. My advances? That's going a bit far. Go ahead, take that little fag. Get him out of my hair. He stole money from me again. I'll gladly take him off your hands but I need to see him. You think I know where he is? And I doubt he wants to see you. It better be done when I get back! Can we talk? No, I've got work to do. Just 5 minutes. No, that's okay, I don't want to see you. You don't want out of here? No. You're young, you're cute... why waste your time with that old fart? That's a mean thing to say. You should hear him talk about you. And I heard him yelling at you. Because I stole 50 euros. Now I have to work it off. Whatever makes you happy. Why do you care if I'm happy? You're right, what do I care? Are you sleeping over? Yeah. I never thought this would happen to me. I think it's exactly what I want. You think, or you're sure? It feels right being here with you and your kids. And I love the countryside. Yeah, well I want us to move. What about your dad? Whatever, I'm not gonna stay with him forever. Can you imagine living alone in the middle of all this? He's 50 years old, I'm not gonna worry about my dad. Do you want to live together, or... Push. Harder. Another push for the shoulders. Here we go. Breathe. Stop pushing. Stop pushing. Here he comes. Nice and easy. There. Here's the head. He's coming nice and slow. He's clear. He's free of his cord. Et voila! Hi, baby! 4:50 a.m. Want some more? Hey, I got your message. It's coming along. I'm almost done, but I need another week or two. A month, tops. Because I haven't had time. We can spare an extra month, right? Can you wire me some money? Let's do like last time... 3,000, all right? The cops, gotta go. Hello. Get in. Is anyone home? That faggot Yoan just stole all my savings. He's going to Australia, that asshole. You're not very nice to him. He didn't have to steal all my dough! I never kept him here. I never asked him for anything. He just showed up one day and never left. Then you must've liked it. Liked what? Having him here, no? Maybe he left on a whim. But he won't get far. He'll be back. What are you doing? Can I get you a coffee, too? Stay for dinner, while you're at it! Go home. You've stirred up enough shit. I love you, Leo. What are you going to do? So you're going to leave again? Shit, what's the matter with him? Mommy, the baby's crying. He'll be fine, let him be. So you'd let us cry, too? Not all the time. Sometimes you'd check on us? Most times, even. But not every time? No, not every time. Can I leave him with you? If I show up with the baby, she won't even want to see me. I'll be back no later than tomorrow morning. I see your angle. First it'll be all afternoon, then all evening... Yeah. I see what you're doing. You're wrong about me, I'm not like that. Apparently they like car trips. It puts them right to sleep. Don't cry. - Hello. - Hello. I had car trouble, so that's that. "So that's that," what? So I'm late. Did I say anything? Come in. Mostly he never stops crying. All day and night... Just be quiet. He's not crying now. No, but it gets on your nerves. Let me concentrate. Go sit over there. Yes, I wanted it. But it's not the same without her. What's changed? Together we're stronger. Against a baby? It's terrifying. It's a hell of a thing, don't you think? I don't know, I've never had one. With her I felt confident. It wasn't her first, I figured she knew the ropes. And now I'm all by myself. And you can't abandon a baby... Why do you say that? It goes without saying, right? You think I'm going to abandon it? What will you do? What can I do? Come on, bed time. What I've written so far is terrible. I can't give you that. I could have you read it, but... It won't get us very far. Of course I'm working. Who do you think I am? Yeah, but I just had a baby. So it's gotten a little complicated. Sure I'm the father. C'mon, I wasn't gonna shout it from the rooftops. And you know it's coming, but it's still a surprise. And then it takes a while to sink in. It hits you like a ton of bricks. I know... we said... I said lots of things, but I changed my mind... OK. If you insist, I'll send it. I'm not at my computer, but soon as I get back. In an hour, hour and a half... I'll send it to you. Yeah I'm okay. Why do you ask? Yes, I'm sure. Talk soon. Bye. Thanks, you too. There, there... The music's a bit loud! The music's too loud! It's Pink Floyd! Yes, but it's too loud! What can I get you? A pastis? A glass of red? It's a little early. A coffee, if you've got some. Are you looking for Yoan? He left for Australia. I don't know what the hell for. And I hope he stays there, that asshole. He's gonna love sucking big nigger cocks in the desert. You know he cleaned me out to pay for his bullshit? Of course it was better when my wife was here. The cooking, cleaning, all that... Now I work my ass off. How're your parents? Do you remember who I am? Of course, why do you ask? Because you don't know my parents. I don't have to know them! It's polite to ask about people's parents. Did you know that little fag was going to Australia? He left a note on the table and that was it. You'd do that to your dad? So you're his dad? No, it's a figure of speech! But he's a bit like a son. You know, it's normal at his age. What's that, normal? He wants to see the world. Only a total moron would dream of Australia. Jerking off in the desert is so like him. I hope he gets fucked by the kangaroos. Got a wife? - No. - What do you do for food? Cleaning, and all that? You get along fine. But a woman's more convenient. What happened to your wife? There's a guy snooping around your car. Oh, shit. You call that parenting? There was no reason to wake him... I wasn't gonna be long. Why haven't you visited her? I told you, with him I can't. I'm trying to find a sitter, but I've had trouble. You just left him in the car, but you need a sitter to see her? Come on. - What're you doing? - Taking you to see her. Wait, but... I can watch him. But I can't leave my car here... I'll drive you back. What about my stuff? And it's a long drive. This way you can't just drive off. Yeah? Because something came up. I haven't been home yet. I promise. I'll send it as soon as... Now it won't be before tomorrow. But I've been meaning to call you. Could you wire some money? [Are you kidding or what? ] [I'm waiting on your script! ] OK. We'll talk when you get it. Hi. - How's it going? - Great. Okay, we said 10 minutes, it's been half an hour. It's bedtime. And I've had it. - Are you sleeping over? - No, he's not staying. Enzo, get down too. That's enough. Marie, you know a baby needs its mother. It needs its father, too. Guys split all the time and it works out fine. It works out fine... It's not easy and a mother's different. Don't you have anything new to say? What do you mean by "new"? Do you want to live with me? No. Me neither. You know, Leo, they say it's nice having a baby to yourself. They say women like it, it must be true for guys too. He's outside in the car. Don't you want to see him? Well... Bye, then. I'll see to the animals. Thanks to your nonsense, they haven't been out all day. What is it? I wanted to check in before going to bed. I don't think sleeping with the baby's a good idea. Really? He should sleep in another room. - Why do you say that? - Everyone says it's not a good idea. They have to get used to sleeping alone. I'll put him next door. I'd rather he stay with me. It's better this way. No, I don't want you to. Why are you freaking out like this? Sorry, I'm dealing with a lot right now. I'm beat. Even if I shouldn't, I'm keeping him with me tonight. Goodnight. Hang on. They won't be long. Put that gun down. You're freaking me out. I want you, Leo. Sorry I shoved you like that. But you were a little forward. You lead me on for months, and now nothing? I led you on? Where'd you get that idea? So I was imagining things? No, you weren't imagining things... But I wasn't thinking clearly, and things have changed. Oh yeah? How? And even if I wanted to, I couldn't sleep with my son's grandpa. Don't you agree? Stop it, Jean-Louis! Shit, Jean-Louis! Come inside and let's talk about this. Go ahead and call them. And I'll tell them the rest. The baby on the prairie and all that. I'm not fucking around, trust me. You should've let me take my car. Can't you leave me alone? It's not you I'm visiting. You'll have to come back, he's sleeping. How do you know? - Are you coming from his bed? - He never gets up before 8:30. Enjoy Australia? Yeah. What did you do there? Stuff. What kind of stuff? Just... stuff. Who is it? The guy with the Renault. What's he doing here? He's here to see you. Send him up. Don't be long. He's exhausted, he needs to rest. - Is he yours? - Yes. Get lost, you! Go blow some niggers in "Austria"! So? Not feeling well? Do you have grandkids? Kids? No. There's nobody to care for you? There's Yoan. So he came back for you? He never left. I didn't ask questions, I called the cops. He never set foot in Austria. It wasn't the niggers who fucked him... it was the Arabs. Big bastards, with fat cocks. It was nice of him to come back for you. Yeah, right. Did you see his hard-on this morning? He's dying to stick it in me. You all think I wanna get fucked because I can't get hard anymore. Not so fast. I don't spread 'em like the Queen. - Not at all. - Sure. Play dumb. You're on my bed for nothing? Actually, I came to ask a favor. Can I leave a friend's car keys? He'll stop by to get them. I don't trust Yoan. You'll remember where they are? I have to go. Are you good to take care of him? Why, do you want to help? I feel weird leaving you alone. And I wish you'd stop sulking. And just as she was saying it, I thought the same thing. I realized it's what I'd always wanted, a baby for myself without the hassle of a woman. So it's all good? You're happy. Eh. Could you detect lung cancer, say, with all this stuff? I don't know how you detect those things, but... I listened to your body and didn't sense anything there. Don't move. - Hello. - Hello, m'am. - Can I help you? - I'm looking for a man. Don't be stupid, Leo! This is silly. I just want the screenplay. Even if it's not finished. I just want to read something. We need to talk. Stop running away. Stop stringing me along. Can you hear me? Come on, Leo, show yourself! I can feel you close by. You can't spend all your time running away! You're not going to abandon your baby, after all. There is no screenplay. Not a scene, not a line. Nothing. It's a ghastly sight. He pours alcohol on his wound. He's a real tough guy. He pulls out his knife... Leny gives Jacques a water bottle. He gathers his courage... He gathers speed. So? Are you happy? It sucks. It's beautiful. Really? You like it? Really. I'm impressed. Write me a check? When it's finished. Come on, wake up. What's happening? We can go now. I managed to put him to sleep. Where do you want to go? Would you rather relax here writing a script you don't like, Or do you want the great outdoors, posterity? I don't know. I don't believe this. I have a baby to feed. You disappoint me. I'm beat. I'm tired of running around. I'm too old for it. Go on. I haven't had the time to call, but... Well, could you increase my overdraft? At one point, you mentioned opening a line of credit. Around 3,000 euros... OK. But there must be another solution. Hello. I'm from the south, and my ATM card was stolen, and I need gas to get home. Hello. I'm from the south and my ATM card was... I have no way to get money. - Need gas to get home. - Don't insist. Hello, hello. I'm from the south and my ATM card was stolen, and I need gas to get home. Do you have any change? - I really don't know. - Even a few cents. Got any change? For food? - No, sorry. - 1 euro? 50 cents? No, I've got nothing. Nothing at all. Small change? You must have something. - What are you doing? - What's in your bag? No, I've got nothing! There's nothing in there. I'm broke! Careful with the baby! Be careful! Stop it! I have nothing! Help! I told you I have nothing. Deal with the old man. I'm getting Yoan out of this place. Yoan? Is that you? Yoan left. With the farmer? Yes, but... I'm going to take care of you. All the time? Tonight, at any rate. Tomorrow we'll contact your family. You must have a brother or a sister. Cousins? - Second cousins? - Nobody. I'll contact social services. We'll find you a retirement home. I won't go! But you can't stay here. I won't go! OK, OK... We'll find a solution. I know the solution. Good evening. Just checking in. Where's Mr. Marcel? He just died. He's upstairs. Are you family? How'd he die? He took a drug I hadn't heard of. You drink it, it's painless. I was there. I can assure you he didn't feel a thing. It was kind of an assisted suicide. Where are they taking him? It's social services. They're taking him to his mother. He's been with me since birth! It'll upset him. You can't keep him, you're homeless and destitute. She won't want him, I know her! Calm down! Hi. Can I come in? I'm in a hurry. My boyfriend's here. You have a boyfriend? Cool. Are the kids home? Yeah, but I have to feed them. And I found a job. Cool, where? At Intermarché, I start at 2. OK. I just came to pick up the little guy anyway. He's staying here. What do you mean? He's not living with you. That's bullshit. You never wanted him. Orders from child services. Let's wait till it blows over. For now, you have to go. Just give me five minutes. I miss him, it's been 3 days. You're not coming in, no way. Then bring him out here. Is it true about the old man? What did they tell you? That you fucked him to help him die. That's insane. It's obviously not true. How could they even know that? And you believe them? Marie? I've taken care of him all along. He's never lacked for anything. This is unacceptable. I'm not leaving without him. I swear, you don't know me! I could... Don't show your face here again. HE SODOMIZES THEN EUTHANIZES AN OLD MAN IN FRONT OF HIS BABY WOLVES KILL HERE Can I stay here? I'll help you with the flock. And other stuff, if you'll have me. Hey, you. Well, I'm going. See you tonight? It must be freezing in the barn. Why not sleep inside? No, there are wolves on the prowl. Don't be stupid, they won't go into the barn. It's happened before. You have nothing to fear from me. I get it. Watching the sheep is my job. So I watch them. Let's go. We can't stay here. You're ruining everything. I'm so close. Don't worry. We just can't show fear. We have to look strong to them. Just don't fall down. As long as we're standing, we're safe. We can't even slouch. We have to stand very straight. Subtitling: Oedipax for KG Hello. Have you ever thought about a movie career? No. So would you want one? No. Too bad, you have a great face. You don't see faces like yours every day. Sure you don't want to audition or something like that? Something like what? Like an audition. No. STAYING VERTICAL It's OK. He's usually harmless. Go. He's been skittish lately because of the wolves. He's been attacked so many times that... I'm not sure he'd take on a wolf, but he's a pain with hikers. Are there many wolves around here? I don't carry this to shoot rabbits. It's a real headache. - I can imagine. - No, you have no idea. Mind if I sit with you for a minute? No, I'm happy for the company. Have a seat. What brings you to these parts? I love this prairie. And I'm into wolves, actually. Into them, how? They scare and fascinate me, but I'd like to see one. Well, they're a pain in the ass. And not just here. But what can you do? We can't kill them all. We won't, but they need to eat lead. They're not stupid. They won't hunt deer or boar when there's sheep for the taking. Whereas, if they take a few bullets... What do you care if there are wolves, here or anywhere in Europe? You don't see them. You never will. They're living things. I don't even want vipers to disappear. Are you sure you'd be bummed if vipers disappeared? No, I'm not sure. You don't raise sheep for their benefit. They'll eventually get slaughtered. They're mainly for milk. And when they dry up? You don't keep every lamb. Some get sick. How many more does the wolf kill? It makes a big difference. As long as you're compensated. Except we have to find the remains to get compensated, and miscarried lambs and missing ewes aren't covered. Neither are lambs who die of fright. Even for us it's scary. And even if we're covered, we don't want to feed the wolves. Who's he? Leo, a friend. Gimme a kiss? Go on, he won't bite. How was your day? - Enzo hurt Cassandra. - No, it was her fault! Leo. My father. Hello. Hello. I ran into her on the prairie. And we had a nice chat. Are you going home? I don't have one anymore. Where do you live? I left my stuff with friends and old neighbors. I stay in hotels or camp out, depends. If you have nowhere to go, you can stick around. Wait! Wanna try? - There you are. - Hey, you! Give him a break. Come on! You kidding? If he was younger, he'd just quit. It's too hard with the wolves. But at 50, what can he do? Gradually, that's what'll happen. The shepherds will all quit. Sheep will be farmed indoors and you'll all be happy. - Nobody wants that. - It's what'll happen. And wolves didn't cause this mess. They sure don't help. I only came back because I had nowhere else to go. Turns out Dad needed a hand, but I don't wanna be a shepherd forever. Hear that? Hello. Thanks. - Have a good one. - You, too. 1. Ext. A Long Straight Road - Day Leny is at the wheel of his car. No, that's not really it. Anyway it won't stop me from coming to see you. But I'm on a roll, so... I don't want to break my stride. Not yet, but I'll probably send you something in two weeks. It won't be finished, but pretty close. I don't know. No rush, but could you wire, say next week... I dunno, 5,000? 3,000? Great. Thanks. And I promise I'll send it in 2 or 3 weeks, OK? OK, great. Take care. Hello. Here. Thanks. You alright? I'm alright. It's not too hard? At least it's been nice out. Goodbye. Hi, there. Remember me? I'm looking for the kid who was here last time. Oh yeah, I remember. He didn't like your advances. My advances? That's going a bit far. Go ahead, take that little fag. Get him out of my hair. He stole money from me again. I'll gladly take him off your hands but I need to see him. You think I know where he is? And I doubt he wants to see you. It better be done when I get back! Can we talk? No, I've got work to do. Just 5 minutes. No, I don't want to see you. - You don't want out of here? - No. You're young and cute. Why waste your time with that old fart? That's a mean thing to say. You should hear him talk about you. And I heard him yelling at you. Because I stole 50 euros. Now I have to work it off. Whatever makes you happy. What do you care if I'm happy? You're right, what do I care? Are you sleeping over? Yeah. I never thought this would happen to me. I think it's exactly what I want. You think, or you're sure? It feels right being here with you and your kids. It's crazy how much I love it here. Yeah, well I want us to move. What about your dad? Whatever, I'm not gonna stay with him forever. Can you imagine living alone in the middle of all this? He's 50 years old. I'm not gonna worry about my dad. Do you want to live together, or... Push. Harder. Perfect. There we go. Another push for the shoulders. Here we go. Breathe. Stop pushing. Stop pushing. Here he comes. Nice and easy. There. Alright. One more time. That's it. The shoulders are coming nice and slow. Breathe. He's clear. He's free of his cord. There we are. Hi, baby! 4:50 A.M. Want some more? Hey, I got your message. It's coming along. I'm almost done, but I need another week or two. A month, tops. Because I haven't had time. We can spare an extra month, right? Can you wire some money? Let's do like last time... 3,000, alright? The cops. Gotta go. Hello. Is anyone home? That faggot Yoan just pinched all my savings. That asshole's going to Australia. You're not very nice to him. He didn't have to steal all my dough! I never kept him here. I never asked him for anything. He just showed up one day and never left. Then you must've liked it. Liked what? Having him here, no? Maybe he left on a whim, but he won't get far. He'll be back. What are you doing? Can I get you a coffee, too? Stay for dinner while you're at it! Go home. You've stirred up enough shit. I love you, Leo. What are you going to do? So you're going to leave again? What's the matter with him? Mommy, the baby's crying. He'll be fine, let him be. So you'd let us cry too? Not all the time. Sometimes you'd check on us? Most times, even. But not every time? No, not every time. Can I leave him with you? If I show up with the baby, she won't even want to see me. I'll be back no later than tomorrow morning. I see your angle. First it'll be all afternoon, then all evening... I see what you're doing. You're wrong about me, I'm not like that. Apparently they like car trips, it puts them right to sleep. Go to sleep. Hello. I had car trouble, so that's that. "So that's that," what? So I'm late. Did I say anything? Come in. Mostly he never stops crying. All day and night... Just be quiet. He's not crying now. No, but it gets on your nerves. Let me concentrate. Go sit over there. Yes, I wanted it. But it's not the same without her. What's changed? Together we're stronger. Against a baby? It's terrifying. It's a hell of a thing, don't you think? I don't know, I've never had one. With her I felt confident, it wasn't her first, I figured she knew the ropes. And now I'm all by myself. And you can't abandon a baby... Why do you say that? It goes without saying, right? You think I want to abandon it? What will you do? What can I do? C'mon, bedtime. What I've written so far is terrible. I can't give you that. I could have you read it, but... It won't get us very far. Of course I'm working. Who do you think I am? Because I just had a baby so it's gotten complicated. Sure I'm the father. C'mon, I wasn't gonna shout it from the rooftops. And you know it's coming, but it's still a surprise. And then it takes a while to sink in. It hits you like a ton of bricks. I know... we said... I said lots of things, but I changed my mind... OK. If you insist, I'll send it. I'm not at my computer, but soon as I get back. In an hour, hour and a half. I'll send it to you. Yes, I'm OK. Why do you ask? Yes, I'm sure. Speak soon. Bye. Thanks, you too. There, there... The music's a bit loud! The music's too loud! It's Pink Floyd! Yes, but it's too loud! What can I get you? A pastis? A glass of red? Too early for me. A coffee, it you've got some. If you're looking for Yoan, he left for Australia. I don't know what the hell for. And I hope that asshole stays there. He's gonna love sucking big nigger cocks in the desert. You know he cleaned me out to pay for his bullshit? Of course it was better when my wife was here. The cooking, cleaning, all that... Now I work my ass off. How're your parents? Do you remember who I am? Of course, why do you ask? Because you don't know my parents. I don't have to know them! It's polite to ask about people's parents. Did you know that little fag was going to Australia? He left a note on the table and that was it. You'd do that to your dad? So you're his dad? No, it's a figure of speech! But he's a little like a son. You know, it's normal at his age. What's normal? He wants to see the world. Only a total moron would dream of Australia. Jerking off in the desert is so like him. Getting fucked by the kangaroos. Got a wife? No. What do you do for food, the cleaning and all that? You get along fine. But a woman's more convenient. What happened to your wife? There's a guy snooping around your car. Oh, shit. You call that parenting? There was no reason to wake him, I wasn't gonna be long. Why haven't you visited her? I told you, with him I can't. I'm trying to find a sitter, but I've had trouble. You just left him in the car, but you need a sitter to see her? Come on. - What're you doing? - Taking you to see her. I can watch him. But I can't leave my car here... I'll drive you back. What about my stuff? And it's a long drive. This way you can't just drive off. Yeah? Because something came up. I haven't been home yet. I promise. I'll send it soon as... Now it won't be before tomorrow. Actually, I've been meaning to call you. Could you wire some money? OK. We'll talk when you get it. Hi. - How's it going? - Great. OK. We said 10 minutes, it's been half an hour. It's bedtime. And I've had it. - Are you sleeping over? - No, he's not staying. Enzo, get down too. That's enough. Marie, you know a baby needs its mother. It needs its father, too. Guys split all the time and it works out fine. It works out fine... It's not easy and a mother's different. Don't you have anything new to say? What do you mean by "new"? Do you want to live with me? No. Me neither. You know, Leo, they say it's nice having a baby to yourself. They say women like it, it must be true for guys too. He's outside in the car. Don't you want to see him? Well... Bye, then. I'll see to the animals. Thanks to you they haven't been out all day. What is it? I wanted to check in before going to bed. I don't think sleeping with the baby's a good idea. Really? He should sleep in another room. Why? Everyone says it's not a good idea. They have to get used to sleeping alone. I'll put him next door. I'd rather he stay with me. It's better this way. No, I don't want you to. Why are you freaking out like this? Sorry, I'm dealing with a lot right now. I'm beat. Even if I shouldn't, I'm keeping him with me tonight. Goodnight. Hang on. They won't be long. Put that gun down. You're freaking me out. I want you, Leo. Sorry I shoved you like that. But you were a little forward. You lead me on for months, and now nothing? I led you on? Where'd you get that idea? So I was imagining things? No, you weren't imagining things... But I wasn't thinking clearly, and things have changed. Oh, yeah? How? And even if I wanted to, I couldn't sleep with my son's grandpa. Don't you agree? Stop it, Jean-Louis! Shit, Jean-Louis! Come inside and let's talk about this. Go ahead and call them. And I'll tell them the rest. The baby on the prairie and all that. I'm not fucking around, trust me. You should've let me take my car. Can't you leave me alone? It's not you I'm visiting. Come back later, he's sleeping. How do you know? Are you coming from his bed? He never gets up before 9 o'clock. Enjoy Australia? Yeah. What did you do there? Stuff. What kind of stuff? Just... stuff. Who is it? The guy with the Renault. What's he doing here? He's here to see you. Send him up. Don't be long. He's exhausted, he needs to rest. - Is he yours? - Yes. Get lost, you! Go blow some niggers in "Austria"! So? Not feeling well? Do you have grandkids? Kids? Nope. There's nobody to care for you? There's Yoan. So he came back for you? He never left. I didn't ask questions, I called the cops. He never set foot in Austria. It wasn't the niggers who fucked him, it was the Arabs. Big bastards with fat cocks. It was nice of him to come back for you. Yeah, right. Did you see his hard-on this morning? He's dying to stick it in me. You all think I wanna get fucked because I can't get hard anymore. Not so fast. I don't spread 'em like the Queen. Not at all. Sure. Play dumb. You're on my bed for nothing. Actually, I came to ask a favor. Can I leave a friend's car keys? He'll stop by to get them. I don't trust Yoan. You'll remember where they are? I have to go. Are you good to take care of him? Why, do you want to help? I feel weird leaving you alone. And I wish you'd stop sulking. And just as she was saying it, I thought the same thing. I realized I'd always wanted a baby for myself, without the hassle of a woman. So it's all good? You're happy. Meh. Could you detect lung cancer, say, with all this stuff? I don't know how you detect those things, but... I listened to your body and didn't sense anything there. Don't move. Hello. - Hello, ma'am. - Can I help you? I'm looking for a man. Don't be stupid, Leo. This is silly. I just want the screenplay. Even if it's not finished. I just want to read something. Leo! We need to talk. Stop running away. Stop stringing me along. Can you hear me? Come on, Leo, show yourself. I can feel you close by. You can't keep running away! You're not going to abandon your baby, after all. There is no screenplay. Not a scene, not a line. Nothing. It's a ghastly sight. He pours alcohol on his wound. He's a real tough guy, he pulls out his knife... Leny gives Jacques a water bottle. He gathers his courage... He gathers speed. So are you happy? It sucks. It's beautiful. Really? You like it? Bravo. I'm impressed. Write me a check? When it's finished. Come on. Wake up. What's happening? We can go now. I managed to put him to sleep. Where do you want to go? Would you rather relax here writing a script you don't like, or do you want the great outdoors, posterity? I don't know. I don't believe this. I have a baby to feed. You disappoint me. I'm beat. I'm tired of running around. I'm too old for it. Go on. I haven't had time to call, but... Well, could you increase my overdraft? At one point, you mentioned opening a line of credit. Around 3,000 euros... OK. But there must be another solution. Hello. I'm from the south, and my ATM card was stolen, and I need gas to get home. Hello. I'm from the south and my ATM card was... I have no way to get money. - I need gas to get home. - Don't insist. Hello. I'm from the south and my ATM card was stolen, and I need gas to get home. Do you have any change? I really don't know. I only have cards. I rarely have spare change. Even a few cents. Got any change? For food? No, sorry. 1 euro? 50 cents? No, I've got nothing. Nothing at all. Small change? You must have something. - What are you doing? - What's in your bag? No, I've got nothing! There's nothing in there. I'm broke! Careful of the baby! Be careful! Stop it! I have nothing! I told you I have nothing. Deal with the old man. I'm getting Yoan out of this place. Yoan? Is that you? Yoan left. With the farmer? Yes. I'm going to take care of you. All the time? Tonight, anyway. Tomorrow we'll contact your family. You must have a brother or a sister. Cousins? - Second cousins? - Nobody. I'll contact social services- We'll find you a retirement home. I won't go! But you can't stay here. I won't go! OK. We'll find a solution. I know the solution. Good evening. Just checking in. Where's Mr. Marcel? He just died. He's upstairs. Are you family? How'd he die? He took a drug I hadn't heard of. You drink it. It's painless. I was there. I assure you he didn't feel a thing. It was kind of an assisted suicide. Where are they taking him? It's social services. They're taking him to his mother. He's been with me since birth! It'll upset him. You can't keep him, you're homeless and destitute. She won't want him, I know her! Calm down! Hi. Can I come in? I'm in a hurry. My boyfriend's here. You have a boyfriend? Cool. Are the kids home? Yeah, but I have to feed them. And I found a job. Cool, where? The mall, I start at 2. OK. I just came to pick up the little guy anyway. He's staying here. What do you mean? He's not leaving with you. That's bullshit. You never wanted him. Orders from child services. Let's wait till it blows over. For now, you have to go. Just give me five minutes. I miss him. It's been 3 days. You're not coming in. No way. Then bring him out here. Is it true about the old man? What did they tell you? That you fucked him to help him die. That's insane. It's obviously not true. How would they even know that? And you believe them? Marie? I've taken care of him all along. He's never lacked for anything. This is unacceptable. I'm not leaving without him. I swear, you don't know me! I could... Don't show your face here again. He Sodomizes then Euthanizes an Old Man In Front of His Baby WOLVES KILL HERE Can I stay here? I'll help you with the flock, and other stuff if you'll have me. Hey, you. Well, I'm going. See you tonight? It must be freezing in the barn. Why not sleep inside? No, there are wolves on the prowl. Don't be stupid, they won't go into the barn. It's happened before. You have nothing to fear from me. I get it. Watching the sheep is my job. So I watch them. Let's go. We can't stay here. You're ruining everything. I'm so close. Don't worry. We just can't show fear. We have to look strong to them. Just don't fall down. As long as we're standing, we're safe. We can't even slouch. We have to stand very straight. (WIND WHOOSHING) (RADIO STATIC BUZZING) Beautiful spot, right? Amazing. You know what formed all this stuff, right? No. Volcanoes, earthquakes, storms. Violent shit. Did you know that there's an entire city beneath the canyon? Did you know that? Isn't it amazing how fast kids grow up? It's like, one day they're in diapers and next they're debating you on politics and music. What? Andrew is debating you on politics and music? (CHUCKLES) I'm impressed. I'm using the word "debate" very loosely there. Here we go, ladies. Time to strap on a feedbag. GARY: Yeah, chow time. And every good meal needs a little booze. Bronn? I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. BRONNY: No, no, no. It's okay. I got a soda around here somewhere. God bless you. I don't know how you can do it. I mean, I need the booze, if only to deal with this one. Hey! Hey. You know, you're gonna have to do a lot of sucking up after that comment. Sucking up? Magic fingers on the footsies? Foot massage. Come on, babe. That's fine. Not now. Come on! Come on! (LAUGHING) Gary, come on! One foot massage before we eat. Come on! JOY: Gary, come on! GARY: Come here! Hey! Where the hell you going? Just going up the trail. I can see where it ends from right here. Did you ask Steph and Michael if they want to join ya? I'll go. Keep an eye on him, okay? You don't have to say it every time. PETER: My turn? Hey, no running, okay? You twist an ankle out here and we don't find ya, you're gonna have to drink your own piss and survive inside an animal carcass. Gary! What? Like Bear Grylls, honey, that badass on TV. What is wrong with men that they're obsessed with this crappy show? Really? I mean, that show gave us our mad skills. Yeah, I mean, we're, kind of, the American version of Man vs. Wild. Yeah. We stayed in hotel rooms for most of the vacation. We were camping for, like, four nights? Three? Three? GARY: Sure. I know that. Two and a half? Two and a half. (BOTH LAUGHING) Doesn't matter. Look. If we ever were stranded, say, near the wilderness... We would handle it. Yeah. Boom. JOY: (LAUGHING) Oh! PETER: Whose turn is it? GARY: You. PETER: You distracted us. Bet there's all kinds of creepy old shit in this place. The only shit in this place is spilling out of your mouth. (LAUGHS) Whoa! Hey, Mikey, do you know how hardcore your sister is? Guess not, huh? Hey, he's smarter than you. He just sees different, that's all. What's he see then? Nobody really knows, but he's on a whole different level to the rest of us. ANDREW: Meaning what? For one thing, he's not afraid of the things that scare most kids. Let's find out. Don't be a jerk, Andrew. It's okay. Hey, Mikey. Mikey. Did you know the Indians that used to live around here thought this place was haunted? Legend says, that the guardians of their spirit world lived in the rocks and the trees, and that one day they're gonna come back into our world. And when they do, it means the whole world's gonna end. Really? Yeah. (GASPS) They're right behind you! Guess that didn't work out, moron. Look, I didn't mean anything by it. Mikey knows that. Here. You've had your eye on this all day. You can have it. Hey, there's some kind of lookout up here. Come on. Come on, Mikey. No. Mikey. (SIGHS) All right, just stay put, okay? Don't move. (WIND HOWLING) (SHUTTER CLICKING) (DISTANT LAUGHTER) PETER: Gary! What's up? GARY: There you are. Where'd you go, guys? We were just... I was looking for this guy. (LAUGHING) PETER: I was lost. JOY: He was lost. I found him. (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER ECHOING) BRONNY: Mikey! Mikey! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (GIGGLING) (BOTH GASPING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) (DOG BARKING) (DOOR JARRING) Uh, Mikey. Just a minute, buddy. (SIGHS) (DOG CONTINUES BARKING) What? Oh, my God. What is up with that dog lately? STEPHANIE: Michael! Uh... Honey, not now, okay? No? Really? Yeah. STEPHANIE: I wanna talk to you. (GROANS) Yeah. Don't go. Kids are up. (SIGHS) (DOG CONTINUES BARKING) (FAINT THUD) (SNIFFING) Mikey. Hey, I told you not to leave the tap running in the kitchen. Mikey? Hey, come on. Let's get some breakfast. Jenny did it. Jenny? Who's Jenny? She's my new friend. Oh, that's nice. Where's Jenny? In the wall. Well, maybe Jenny's hungry, too. Come on. (KNOCK ON DOOR) BRONNY: Steph. You in there? Mom! What the hell? Did you burn something in the kitchen? Close the frickin' door! (DOOR SLAMS) (SHOUTING) Jesus H.! Mikey, I told you not to do this. (EXHALES) What is that smell? Putrid. Hey, buddy, do me a favor and listen to Mommy today, okay? Hey, family. PETER: Hey. Breakfast, Stephanie. Later. No bags on the table, Mikey. Remember? (GRUNTING) BRONNY: No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. That's like his new thing. He's very attached. (PANTING) Okay. No one's gonna touch your backpack. Okay, buddy? Ugh! Babe, what's that smell? I don't know. I think it's the trash. Can you take it on your way out? Yup. I'm late as it is, but okay. Maybe open a window, okay? Okay. See you later. Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta go. BRONNY: Love you. Go. Go. Go. Gotta go. (SIGHS) MIKEY: Gotta go. Go. Just you and me again, Mikey, huh? Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Hmm. (SMACKS LIPS) If I were Mikey, where would I hide? Boo! (BRONNY YELPS) (BOTH LAUGHING) (MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) (BABY CRYING) (SOFTLY) Mikey. Michael, you trying to give me a heart attack? What is it? "Bon Voyage"? Well, no one's going anywhere, but you can have one. Come on. Okay, two balloons, then. Come on. Come on, mister greedy pants. (KEYBOARD CLACKING) (SOFT THUDDING) (ATTIC DOOR OPENING) (CREAKING) (CLICKING) (SIGHS) (THUD, CLATTERING) (GASPS) Michael! What the hell are you doing up here? You scared me half to death. How did you get up here? Jenny showed me a way. Jenny... When I meet this Jenny, I'm gonna have a word with her. Now, come on. Don't forget our safety in the... (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (YELPS) (PANTING) Sweetie, come on. Let's just get out of here. Come on. SIMON: These are the new offices. The old offices, you would not have enjoyed that. Now the only other important person you need to meet... Well, not as important as me, but I want you to meet Peter Taylor. He's one of our top designers and a great guy. You're gonna like him. I know you're doing... Peter! All right, I gotta call you right back, okay? Peter, say hello to Sammy. New member of the team. She can help you on the Foster project. Hi. She's a graduate, so she can help you with whatever you need. Design and drafting and project coordination, CAD rendering, whatever you need. All right, you guys talk. (MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY) Welcome to the firm. Thank you, Mr. Taylor. It's a pleasure to meet you, finally. Sorry, I'm a huge fan of your work. You came to my college last year and did some lectures on modern design theory. Very fascinating. Thank you. I'm just thrilled to know that anybody actually attended one of my lectures. (BOTH LAUGHING) (DOG BARKING) Hey. How was your day? It was fine. (SIGHS) (DOOR OPENING) PETER: Hey. (SIGHS) You're late again. Hardly see you these days. Yeah. I'm just super busy at work. I told you, this project is like the biggest thing we've ever done. It's killing me. Yeah. Well, can you put the vegetables on? I've got a pile of work to do here myself. Yeah, I'll do whatever you want as soon as I get back from a run. Well, don't bother then. I'll do it. It's just a quick jog around the block. Twenty minutes max, okay? (DOG CONTINUES BARKING) What is up with that dog? (SIGHS) PETER: Yeah, she... She's... She's not like that. She doesn't... She... I don't know. She doesn't enjoy it. Mmm-mmm. I don't know. My birthday? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, look, I would if I could, but I told you how things are right now. It's just nuts with work and, um... Yeah, I can't get out. Tell me about it. (CHUCKLES) All right. (SHOWER RUNNING) (CLATTERING) (SHOWER STOPS) Michael, were you in the bathroom just now? Come on, answer me! Stop hiding in this stupid place! Michael, if you don't answer me, I'm gonna mess up all your stuff. One, two... I wasn't in your bathroom. Jenny was in your bathroom! There is no Jenny! There is a Jenny! Don't you get it? You freakin' made her up! I didn't make her up! (BOTH SCREAMING) Stephanie! Get out of here and go to your room now! (MIKEY SOBBING) One... You okay? Two, three... One, two... (KNOCKS ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) Get the hell out. Hey, watch it. I thought you were asleep. The light's on. That's usually a hint I'm not. (SIGHS) Why do you provoke him, Steph? Why do I get blamed for everything in this family? Honey, you know that's not true. It is. You and Mom, we never talk about anything. We never talk about him. We never talk about how he affects all of us. We do. We do. We talk about... No, you and Mom just ignore it. We never talk about the creepy stuff he does. It's getting creepier and creepier and you just let him get away with it. Sweetie, here's the thing... I've got to study. I've got to study. (DOOR CLOSES) (SOFT THUDDING) (THUDDING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) Michael. (THUDDING CONTINUES) (GASPS) (DOG BARKING) (GROANS) (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, sweetie, what're you doing? I kept hearing weird noises last night. Freaked myself out, so I came in here. (SIGHS) What kind of noises? Can you tell Michael to stay out of my room? He keeps leaving dirty hand marks everywhere. (BARKING) Hey, big guy. (SNARLING) Something's bugging you, huh? (DOG WHINING) Hey, Jeff. I was just seeing what was up with your dog. What you got, a new cat over there or something? No, Jeff, we don't have a new cat. We don't have a bird or a fish or a gerbil. We have no pets. (GROWLING) Maybe it's time to take yours to the vet? Yeah, let me, uh, get right on that, huh? (SOFTLY) Asshole. (SNIFFS) (DOG CONTINUES BARKING) (DOOR OPENS) Hey. (SIGHS) (RETCHING) (COUGHS) Get out! Get out! (CAWING) What the hell? Shoo! Get out of here! STEPHANIE: (SHOUTING) Get out! Get out! Get out! I'm trying to help! I'm trying to help! I'm trying to help you! Peter! I hate you! Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I hate you! She's sick! You're a bitch! She's sick! She's so sick! I hate you! Evil, bitch! (SCREAMING) No! She eats and then she comes in here and she throws it up. She's so sick. (COUGHS, PANTING) Honey... I'm sorry, Dad. I know. It's okay. Come here, come here. I'm sorry, Dad. No, no, no. (HUSHING) Can I go for my driving test soon? A promise is a promise in this family, right? You know your mom and me are not the enemy, right? We just want you to get healthy and happy and strong. Get through this crap and put it all behind you. We only want you better, sweetheart. Okay. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) (LAUGHING) Look at you! Look how you've grown. Say hi. TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV. Okay. Okay! Hiya, honey. All right, well. Thanks for taking him on such short notice, Mom. Stephanie is not feeling so hot so we just need to spend a little bit of time with her, alone. Okay, but any time, darling. You know that. All right. Well, I gotta go. Okay. So, I'll see you tonight. All right, don't worry. Thanks, Mom! Okay. Bye! Bye. Okay, mister. How about peanut butter and jelly? I think it's time that we went and watched your favorite television show. Okay? I'm just gonna finish up in here. (KEENSY MEWING) And Keensy can keep you company. (KEENSY YOWLS) Keensy! What's gotten into you? (KEENSY GROWLING) (KEENSY HISSING) Uh... Michael, maybe you just better leave him alone today, honey. (GASPS) (SCREAMING) (KEENSY GROWLING) Mikey! (GASPS) Bronny, where's your mom? She's upstairs in observation. Mr. Taylor, I'm Dr. Jones. What happened? Your wife's mother, she said that somehow a snake got into the house. A... By the time the paramedics got there, it was gone. But she was obviously distressed, so we gave her something to calm her down. She said that she was hearing strange noises in the room with him, but when she got there he was alone. Um, Mr. Taylor, your son was trying to kill her cat. No. No, no, no. That's not right. (STAMMERS) He would never do that. Hey, how you doing, buddy? Okay? Just let me know if you have any questions. Okay. Thank you. PETER: We're in the hospital. The hospital. (SOFT THUDDING) (THUDS, CLATTERS) If I were Mikey, where would I hide? (GASPS) (FIRE ALARM BLARING) (EXCLAIMS) (GASPS) Oh, Michael! (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Michael! Hey! Peter! Get down from there! Sweetie, getting... This has gone far enough. He's got to learn. Mikey! Look, getting angry doesn't help. He's got to learn. Come on! Sweetie, nobody got hurt. This time. Calm down. You're scaring him. He's scaring me. Look, I... I can handle the counting. I can handle the forts in the living room. The damn toys, I never get tired of stepping on them. But I draw the line at starting fires. He's getting dangerous. Why can't you see that? Sweet... I'm not... (SIGHS) Mikey. (INDISTINCT NOISES) (THUDDING) PETER: (SOFTLY) What? Come on, guys. (DOG BARKING) (LINE RINGING) SAMMY: Hello? Sammy. Hey, it's Pete. Hey! I'm really, uh, sorry to call you so late. Oh, that's fine. No problem. Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah. I was just running through this latest round of designs that just came in. They're an absolute mess and I think I'm gonna need some one-on-one help to make this deadline. I was just wondering if there's any chance at all that you would be willing to work late for a couple of nights or maybe even over the weekend? Yeah. Whatever I can do to help you. Great, see you tomorrow. (GARAGE DOOR OPENING) (DOOR CREAKING OPEN) (TV SWITCHES ON) Open fire! (SIGHS) (SOFT THUDDING) (WATER DRIPPING) (LOUD THUD) Honey, uh, I'll tell you it's lucky you caught it when you did because the damage is mostly superficial. I can just paint over it when I get the time. I can fix it. (CHUCKLES) You know I'm very good with my hands. I'm being serious, Peter. How do you think he did it? I don't know. It's just an accident, I guess. He's playing around, suddenly the room's on fire. That's not what I mean. How did he get the matches in the first place? They're in the cupboard above the refrigerator. Uh... Maybe we left them out. I don't know. Stephanie? Okay. Wait, wait. Hang on. Hang on. I'm listening. What I'm trying to say is do you think this has something to do with us as parents? Hold on. Please. Let's not start blaming ourselves. All right? Kids are affected by the problems and emotions of their parents. You heard Dr. Mitchell. Right, and the very, very expensive specialist is never wrong about these things. You're not hearing me, Peter. What I'm trying to say is... Yeah? I think there's something else in the house. Hold on. Please. Let's not start... I mean, how do you explain the matches? How do you explain the smells? How do you explain the weird noises? It's not ghosts, honey. It's just Michael's autism manifesting itself in a new way. Stop being a jerk and listen. Stephanie said she heard something, too. Peter, maybe there is something here. And I don't know. Maybe it's some kind of karma. Karma? Karma for what? Bad things that we've done? Come on, honey. You don't really believe that crap? Do ya? Will you please, please open your eyes for once? Wait, Bronny. Bronny. Bronny. (WATER SPLASHES) (KEYBOARD CLACKING) NARRATOR: The Anasazi were an ancient culture that lived in the Colorado Plateau. No one knows why they built their fortified cities. But we do know that their entire civilization ended suddenly when they abandoned their homes. Some have speculated that the nature spirits worshipped by the Anasazi became destructive demons when the community ceased to maintain their sacred laws. These beings appeared in the form of a coyote, snake, crow, buffalo and wolf. They terrorized the population. Often appearing to children before taking them away forever. Knock, knock. Oh, no! Don't do it to me. No, no more. These are ready for you to review. I will have the rest later tonight. (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Is it always like this? Yes. Actually, this is the average level of panic and confusion that makes this place so great. (CHUCKLING) Um... Maybe, when this project is done, you and I could get some coffee and talk about what the rest of the year is going to look like. Maybe I can take some work off your plate? Maybe we can even get a drink or... Yeah, I appreciate that, Sammy. But I think maybe it would be better if we just catch up at the regular staff meetings. Uh, that way nobody is gonna miss any of our brilliant ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay. (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) (EXHALING) (KEYBOARD CLACKING) NARRATOR: They terrorized the population. Often appearing to children before taking them away forever. This event was known... SIMON: What do you think you're doing? Oh, shit. (CHUCKLING) Jesus Christ. What is up with you? You're, like, a little edgy these days. Really? I'm fine. To be honest with you, chief, uh, judging from your work, you're not. Your whole team is down 10%. So, my question is, what's the deal? Simon, you gotta trust me, okay? Now that you know how tricky this one is and we will catch up in the homestretch like always. I promise you, no problem. Mmm. Well, listen... That is why you are the man around here. Give me something. You got stellar capacity. You've always had stellar capacity. I'm gonna see you for dinner, right? Yup. All right, baby. Hey, can you stay here a sec, hon? (REGISTER BEEPING) Looks like a hell of a party. Okay, you know to call me if there's any problems with Michael. Yeah, I know. You can just call me, anyway. You know that. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I know that. I'm serious. No. You don't need it. I like it. Thanks. You're beautiful because you... We gotta go, we gotta go. Sweetie, can I just stay and you go? Just call them and tell them I'm sick. We cannot reschedule them. You know what he's like. Let's just go. We'll get it over with and come right back. Okay? Bye. Are you sure you're gonna be okay? Yes. I'm sure. I am sure. Where's my dress? What's wrong with that? Simon will love it. You sure we can't split it? Hey, put your money away. You'll pay for it later. It's on us. I did reach. You saw me reach, right? (ALL LAUGHING) Next time you bet your ass it's on you. Oh, Bronny, I need to tell you about this fascinating lecture I went to the other day... Saw this guy on the Internet. This is what he does. This guy on the Internet... Honey, can I talk? He charges women whose husbands have too much money to stare at them. That's what they do. No. Seriously? Yeah, right? I told you they stare at women. They go... "Okay, here's $1,000." Yeah, that's all he does. So, who spoke at this event? Oh, this amazing woman. She's a psychic and a spiritual healer. Her lecture was on ancient Hopi prophecy. Do you know anything about... That's funny you mention prophecy. I just had a prophecy. Oh, hold on a second. In this prophecy, Petey and I go to the bar and we drink more alcohol. And look, it's coming true! (LAUGHING) (MUSIC PLAYING OVER EARBUDS) (SOFT THUDDING) (MIKEY CHUCKLES) Okay. Side conference. Tell me what's going on with your little special project. "Special project"? Sammy. I'm not... I'm afraid that project is going to die in RD. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I gave it to you. I teed it up perfectly. Are you kidding me? I put it right in your hands and you kick it out of bounds like that. I used to look up to you. You used to be my hero. Why? People change. You're breakin' my heart, Fredo. Breakin' my heart. It was about her cleansing ceremonies that she would perform. We're back. And... Hi, guys. And you know, our son was sick a few years back and she... Okay, sweetie. WENDY: What? Well, it's interesting, actually, Simon. Stephanie's been having issues and Michael's been acting strangely, even for Michael and... I'm thinking we should probably hit the road, right? I think it's got something to do with our house. Let's talk about this later, shall we? Okay. (SIMON LAUGHING) With the house? You got goblins and fairies up in the attic? What do you got? These guys aren't interested in our little soap opera. Thank you so much for dinner. Honey, I think we probably should hit it. Okay. Let's go. Yeah, thanks. This was amazing. WENDY: Yeah. (SIGHS) What are you so angry about? What do you think? I embarrassed you in front of Simon? He's disgusting with Wendy. He bulldozes through every conversation as if it just doesn't matter if he's not the one talking. Honestly, he is unbearable. That may be true. It is true. But he's my unbearable boss who is now going to tell the entire goddamn office that my wife can't get through a single dinner without bringing up our personal family problems. Thanks for dragging me along. (CAR DOOR SHUTS) (MUSIC BLARING OVER EARBUDS) Steph, where's Michael? Mikey? Mikey? (DEEP SIGH) (SOFT THUDDING) (GASPS) (PANTING) (SIGHS) Mikey. Honey. Sweetie, I told you not to play in here until we clean it up. Sweetie, don't put your hands in this, honey. You're leaving marks all over the house. (SCREAMING) Hey. PETER: Open up, buddy. There you go. (SIGHS) I think he's gonna be okay for a night. I'll just take him to the doctor in the morning. You okay, big Mike? Whatcha thinking about, sweetie? The blue star. It's close now. What are you talking about? His shirt's all dirty. Can you take him upstairs and change him? STEPHANIE: Let's get changed. I told you we shouldn't have left them here alone. Yeah, I know. I know. You were right. You're absolutely right. (SOFT THUDDING) (THUDDING CONTINUES) (WHISPERS) Peter. MIKEY: One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. This house. Command, place the guards, second exit from the yard. Go. I knew you'd be back. Watson, why aren't you with Wilson? The servant didn't come back with the medicine for some reason, I had to send Wilson to the hospital. Come on. Where are we going? We're going to teach Holmes' self-confidence a lesson. A spectacular lesson. Pedagogy should be practical. Go! He called himself Ebenezer Buckley. His last word was... Halifax. Halifax? Halifax. Why did the papers not have anything about this? The information was classified. It was a crime against the state, after all. Ebenezer Buckley, also Halifax, also Timothy Trout. Exactly. Major talent. Do you know what he did in prison? An escape! Got scared, Stevie, huh? Very funny, Tim! He was a magician, an illusionist. - If only he'd applied his talents to more legitimate business... - Talent chooses its business all by itself. But he didn't live off lucre, he lived out of happiness. He was playing with life. And it didn't end well. Excellent, excellent. He was impatient... no, wait. He was fixing the very thing that the original makers of the note didn't have patience for. The portrait on this one is far more convincing. Um, I'm sorry, but... why "Halifax"? A dream. He wanted to go to Canada. Maybe he would've become an artist. So you were saying he wanted to escape? Mm. So Brixon— Brixon? Brixon was there? Or Wilkinson. - Was it Brixon or Wilkinson? - I don't really remember now, maybe Python as well. Were they all there? I don't see anything funny, Holmes. - Are you trying to say... - What? No, nothing. Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to spend my time with you, but it's six in the morning and I'm going home. - Guards! - Guards! What's the situation, then? The Crown Jewels haven't been stolen yet? Everything is fine, sir, we've searched the whole building from the basement to the attic. So tomorrow I'll get my salary as usual. - Let's go, gentlemen - Quiet! Where's the vault? Downstairs. Gentlemen, it's here in the basement! What's this? An ambush! Go, go, go! Hurry! Quick, quick, quick! Go! It's Lestrade! Go! God damn it, Holmes! - You were right! - Believe me, Lestrade, I wasn't sure. - Lestrade, he needs to go to the hospital! - Go, go! Thank you, thank you. Patrick! Patrick! - Doctor! - Take him to the carriage! Thank you, thank you! - Doctor, let's go, there's nothing else to do. Come on! Follow me! - Where are you going? ! - How did the patrols miss it? - This only confirms my suspicions. - They were digging from Wilson's house. It means that— - What? It means we'll meet them there! - But police have set up an ambush. - It'll be fine. We'll help them. - Go, go! - Let's go! Python! Brixon! Wilkinson! - Where've you been, blockheads? - We were here, sir! - Where? We were here, sir. Go back to Scotland Yard. We'll talk tomorrow. Yes, sir! Get on, quick! Watson, shoot! Stop, sir. - Let us cross! - We can't. The royal cortège. - I'm chasing a criminal! - You must be kidding me. - Damn, damn, damn! Quiet! Have some respect! Get ready. Get back here! I'll go for this one, you take those two. Let's go! Out of the way! - What's wrong with you? - Stomach ache! Wait. Stop wallowing! Get on, Watson! But I can't do two wheels! - What's the difference? - I've only ridden a tricycle! - Go! - Where did you get it? - Rented it! - Amazing. - You shoot, I'll pedal! Courtney? Shoot, shoot, Doctor, shoot! It's no good, we need to jump. Jump! You're excellent, no doubt, but stop lying around, there's another one. We need to take him alive! I'm not riding that bicycle again! Nobody will be riding that bicycle again, let's go! Spaulding. Careful, Holmes, I missed him! Pity, but he won't tell us anything anymore. That's strange... I swear, Holmes, I missed him! So how did he die? I don't know. Maybe of old age? I'm going to find out right now. What are you going to do, ask him? Yes, exactly. You're a butcher! Christ! I'm a doctor, Holmes. But I agree, sometimes there's little difference. The stomach is empty, he was throwing up the whole time, just throwing up. The liver... the liver is huge. I think he was poisoned with something, I don't know what. Belladonna. Wilson's servant. What do you mean, Wilson's servant? It was Moriarty! You know, Holmes, my reasons for distrusting you decrease by the day, yet somehow it gets more and more on my nerves. At least now you know what he looks like. That's the thing, I don't. I wasn't looking at his face, but at his trousers, there was soil on them. I was hoping you might remember him. Me? I didn't, I was... I was treating Wilson's wound. Perhaps this could help us somehow. What is it? You were almost in time, Inspector. Arrest him. I'm afraid it's a bit late, he's dead. Arrest Sherlock Holmes. Lestrade, you're insane! - Take him away. Quick! - I knew it. - I knew! - Quiet, quiet, quiet! - Go, go. - I knew it, Inspector! Don't worry, your sentence will come to an end one day too. It wasn't very entertaining with you here, but no worse than with cockroaches. Well, well, I think I've packed. You know what? I'll give you this book. How about it? "The Wildlife of Canada". It helped me through. I've decided to quit. So, if you're going to look for me, I'll be in Halifax. Thirty five years for you. Thirty five years is... Timothy Trout. I'm still here. Hands behind your back, out with your belongings. Don't, don't! No, don't! You deserve to be in court! All of you imbeciles! Unbutton your jacket! Yes, sir! What is this? - This is silk! - Blue silk, sir! Who was friends with Constable Spaulding? - Why aren't you unbuttoned? - Sorry, sir! - Helmet! - Did you get an inheritance? - No, sir! Who knew Courtney? Or Faith? Who? Nobody? ! Helmet! Your weapon! At the munitions, sir! If it's longer by even half an inch... Sir, I knew Spaulding a little. He was always suspicious. - Yes, yes... yes, strange. - They were always strange. - They're not our friends! - We didn't talk, no. Out! Everyone get out! Sir, what do we do with Holmes? None of your God damn business! - He's demanding a lawyer. - Me! I do the demanding here! Everyone else is pleading. Bring me the keys to his cell. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Minister! Yes. I arrested him. Yes, sir! Yes, but he's demanding a lawyer, sir, he threatened to call... Sir, can I be honest with you? This is a very serious case. No, sir, I'm not threatening you. The thing is, sir, in the police... sir, it's just that three of those involved in the robbery appeared to be policemen. Sir, I've warned you. Yes, Holmes seems to suspect it already. I await your orders, sir. "...when trying to escape". Yes, sir. Yes, I'll report to you when finished. Sir. Perhaps I'll do it, sir? An attempt to rob the national bank! The criminal is arrested! The continuation of the amazing adventures of Sherlock Holmes! An attempt to rob... He wouldn't leave you. He would help you out! Well, I went to Lestrade and— What is he charged with? Classified. What nonsense. I will go to Scotland Yard myself! Let's wait till tomorrow, then... Suspecting Holmes of committing a crime is as ridiculous as suspecting you of exhibiting bravery! No- but - I- look, I went there, and I've been to the editorial office, and I kicked up a big fuss, so... You know what I think— I'm not interested in what you think! "...when trying to escape"? - Why do you say that? - What's in your pockets? Why did you come? You will tell me everything right now. But you know it all. - Maybe not all. - Maybe you're blind. - Do not forget yourself, Holmes! - Drop the politesse! - You know perfectly well that there's a gang working in the police! - Can you be quiet? Even you are scared of them. I don't believe it. I don't believe you, Holmes. These people go under knives and bullets to save your miserable lives! They are on this side of the law! They were born under this law and under it they serve! Do you know who trapped Dante in ice in the underworld? - Who? - Lucifer! Who was a son of God, in case you'd forgotten. And being tortured in his very jaws are Brutus, Cassius and Judas! They are not traitors. Brutus and Judas? All right. We will leave right now, but under one condition: I will be in charge of the entire upcoming investigation. Inspector, do you... do you really want to know everything? Empty! Looks like I won't come out of here alive after all. We'll see about that. Line up! Releasing the prisoner! Releasing the prisoner! Quick! Releasing the prisoner! Quick! Move, - before they realise. Where to now? - I need to go home. You're crazy! - That's the last place you should hide. - That's why they won't look there. - All right, keep walking. - Are you insane? ! - Quiet! - A shot to the liver is fatal. - Watson, what are you doing? ! - Run, Holmes, go! - Show me where the cab is before Lestrade changes his mind, go! - I was trying to help! - Go, I'm telling you! What a hero! - In a few hours police will be searching for you. - Excellent, we have two hours. Thank you, that was delicious. Inspector, I'd advise you to eat, we have a long night ahead. I'm going to tell you everything— that is, if you're ready to follow my thoughts, of course. Stop taunting. What were the names of the burglars? Spaulding, Faith, Courtney. So, the burglars were doomed from the start. You must be joking, sir. You can only rob a national bank with the help of an army. Do you know how many guards there are? Do you know that 38 policemen patrol the area both day and night, and that the safe is impossible to break into? I know. But I also know that the police can be bribed, put to sleep, and deceived, and that there are other ways to get into a bank than just from the outside. If a lock has been made by one person, there will always be another who can pick it. - You bribed the guards? - How else could you get into the bank? Do you have a key? Yes, gentlemen. Yes. Yes, absolutely. I have a tunnel, going from that house to the bank. At the scheduled time, the guards will go to the duty room. And the key. Here. Thirty percent. Of course, in order not to seem suspicious, Moriarty started bargaining. As a result, they probably stopped on the number... Ten. I propose a toast. To the success of our endeavour. And he poisoned them right there. It's as if you were there! This is the key that winds the clock in Wilson's house. Moriarty gave it to the perpetrators as the key to the bank's safe to placate them. - But why did he start something he knew was doomed to fail? - It means that the robbery was just a cover, a masquerade, a performance to hide a much more disturbing crime. - What could be more disturbing... than robbing a national bank? ! - Exactly! How frightening could it be, huh? I can't get Halifax out of my head. What's he got to do with it? It's funny that the policemen showed up at the bank and killed Halifax when he tried to escape. Just like the way you wanted to kill me. - I didn't. - You did. Lestrade, you did. When you walked into my cell you reeked of whiskey. I know you are a conscientious person, that's why you had to drink before... Why, by the way? Who cancelled the sentence? I decided it myself. I always decide everything by myself. Shall we go? Where? To visit the wounded. - Read the Morning Chronicle! Inspector Lestrade prevented the burglary of the century! - Boy, the newspaper. Doctor, what do you need to read that for? You know everything. Lestrade caught all the burglars— or, wait, God damn it, Doctor, what have you written about me this time? Look... look, buy your own copy! - Read the Morning Chronicle! - Boy! Read the Morning Chronicle! That's it. We're leaving. Brodigan was there, I was about to get caught, quick. - But wait, I have— - Hurry! - ...instruments. Whatever, I don't need them now. Do you think I'm crazy? - Me? No, I— - But I do! - God, I can't take having to be in hiding! - Now you understand how criminals feel. Inspector Lestrade prevented the burglary of the century! Well, I see everything is going well. - Hello, I'm not going anywhere with you. - Jabez, I— What in the Devil ever possessed me to come to see you? What in the Devil ever possessed you to live opposite the national bank? Hello. I've read it, I've read it all. Horrible. We don't need you. We need the key to your flat in exchange for this one. Oh, this is the key to my clock! Where did you find it? Well, let's just say... on the bank of the Thames. And more specifically? More specifically... Doctor, when is the next story coming out? In which issue? Get well soon. Holmes, you have to understand... Holmes... The villains have been killed, the bank hasn't been robbed— what else could we find here? I've ordered that the tunnel be refilled. The burglars weren't killed by us. It was poison. What nonsense. Nonsense. I put a bullet in one myself... Watson. Belladonna. They were poisoned about two hours before the burglary. That's why they were running so slowly. - The poison was already in action. - God damn it! It means that the others are looking for Moriarty. If it was a part of the plan, it means they're only looking for us. Betraying their comrades? What are you trying to...? - Lestrade, do you know what phrenology is? - No. What is it? An Austrian called Franz Gall— —let me— —studied human skulls and found that one can create a rather detailed psychological portrait of a human just from the bumps and dents. - Nonsense. - You don't say. So, what? What do you think, how do the bumps on a policeman's head differ from those on that of a criminal? How? They don't. Sometimes I just want to... Yes, Holmes, sometimes you do look rather strange. Like a dog, I don't know, like a sleuth. I am a sleuth. Well. Interesting. - Lestrade, did you say there was an order to fill up the tunnel? - Yes. When was that meant to happen? Yesterday or today. Well they weren't in a rush. Hold that for me. You should taste it. Damn, I'm so ignorant in the natural sciences. - What do you mean? - I need to go home. Now. Did we find something? Yes. I sense it. I'm telling you, it's dangerous out there. Not as dangerous as missing the crime of the century. You know, Holmes, I like hyperboles too, but you... well... Wherever you go, poets are everywhere. I beg your pardon? Wherever you go, poets are everywhere. Poets are everywhere and anywhere... it's just me going to work, and I don't write any poems there. Watson, How much do they pay for a line? - Ten pence. - How much? ! Ten pence. - Ten pence? Outrageous. - A robbery. And here you risk your life for some pennies. Do you know how much I earn, Watson? Well, I... By the way... Why don't you write about us? About us simple folk, who guard your peace every day? It's true, we're not angels, we're the same common people who, sadly have to deal with criminals with murderers, and with offenders. And there you are, writing some filth about us. - For ten pence. - You were right, we can't go home right now. I'll send a messenger. I know where we can hide. "Across this bare space there was scrawled in blood-red letters a single word— Rache." You sure can exaggerate. Lestrade, are you sure they won't find us here? Yes, this is a safe house, only a few people know about it, all of whom are reliable. I never doubted you for a moment. Quiet! - Who is it? - Me. - You brought it? Were you followed? - You offend me, sir. Good job. - So how are things? - The house is clean. Well, actually, Mrs. Hudson always keeps it clean, my friend. Not in that sense. Nobody suspicious is out there, although there was one moustachioed guy near the house. Moustachioed? Yes. - Half of our constables are moustachioed. - Exactly. Maybe it was a constable. I did everything you asked. I threw a stone at the window, and the owner ran out and dragged me by my ear. By the way, you owe me a tuppence, she pulled really hard. Lestrade, give him two pennies. Careful. - Right, I'm leaving. - Good job. Good job. Go. By the way, I don't recommend you stay here for long. Why? Did they track you down? No, there are a lot of policemen around. This is a police hideout. How do you know? The whole street knows. Lestrade, you told me this was a reliable place! - I'm leaving. - Off you go. Mr. Watson. - The murderers are Masons? - "Halifax". Of course, he was a counterfeiter. So what's the connection between Halifax and Moriarty? Any good, sir? - Not bad. - Can I go now? No, Mr. Trout. - You'll work for a while longer. - I won't work here anymore. Not even if you kill me. I think we can do that any time. And you won't be working here. Then where? Take a look. Are you serious? How could I possibly get there? Who would accept me with my record? Mr. Ebenezer Buckley has a crystal clear record. And if I escape? Why would Moriarty need a counterfeiter of Halifax's calibre? I've never seen such a masterful forgery. Do you know how many of these are in London? A lot more than you think. I'm telling you, even I've never seen anything like this. Not even the bank's employees— and they have sharp eyes— not even they recognised the forgery. Do you know why? Unlike usual counterfeits, this one was made using the same machine that prints the genuine article. - Where are we going? - I know a place, but it's not exactly welcoming to policemen. - We'll have an army protecting us here, so to speak. - Mr. Watson! - How has life been treating you? A pleasure to see you. Of course, we will tolerate your civilian friend, but narks have no business around here. Who are you calling a nark, buddy? Either he leaves by himself or— Inspector! Corporal of the Seventh Infantry Regiment, Fitzpatrick Lestrade! Liar, that's where I served, I didn't see you. - What year? - From '70 to '80. In '72. You don't fool us. I was there from 1855. I transferred to the reserve in 1853. Who was the boss there? - Colonel Dooley. - Who? Dooley. The Toothpick. - It's our man! - Welcome! - This is our man. - Do you know how loam differs from sandstone? - Well, I didn't taste it— The composition. Composition. Loam is slightly sour. Sandstone is fresh. Which means...? - What? - What? Remember you said that the tunnel was filled up two days ago? It was raining the day before yesterday, but the soil was dry there, and it was loam. Even though they use sandstone for these cases. What... how does... sorry, but I don't... - Could you get to the point? - No. I don't believe it myself and you shouldn't either. By the way, you, John, are an inattentive person. - Who are you calling inattentive? - In that issue of the Chronicle, there was indeed a notice, a very modest one. Read. - "An engineer is required..." - "An engineer is required for works..." - Yes, "works and constructions underground." They obviously found him. Watson... do you have ten pence? - One and three. - Robbery! One and eight! - All right, one and three. - Take it, you little extortionist. I can charge more for the insult. And I can beat you up. Thank you, Tom. Barman! - So, where were we? - The engineer. - We've seen the tunnel. - That was a hole, for which they didn't need an engineer. What are they going to do, build an underground? A second tunnel. They didn't fill up the entrance to the bank, they were finishing the second tunnel. To the bank? To The Royal Mint. - Well, lad, is everything all right? - Yes, yes, thank you, sir. It's not a hard job. Don't even think about stealing a single penny, we have it all counted. If I did I wouldn't go for just a penny, sir. Moriarty arranged for Halifax to work in the mint, right under everyone's noses. I didn't believe it myself, I wondered, why would Halifax work in the mint? Sorry, Holmes, I can't do this without a pint. Barman! - Three more! - Were they trying to rob the mint? Don't be ridiculous, that's impossible. Moriarty wants to rob the whole of England. They copied the printing machine? Who told you that? A forged note from the bank. From inside the bank. Wait... And Halifax? This whole case with the forgeries? Why did he go to the bank? Didn't he understand he would be killed? Poor Halifax, I'm sure he didn't go there for profit, but for the beauty, for the audacity. It was spectacular. Spectacular and fatal. Like all great tricks. Let's drink to Halifax. Wait... Wait a minute, why do we have go to the mint right now? Why not tomorrow? Why not yesterday? Because the crime will take place there precisely today. At what time? Between 12 and 8. Goodness, Holmes, take it easy, how- how- how can you be so precise? Because today, the printing machine gets a new mechanic, Jabez Wilson. The red-head! Of course, it won't be him. They just used his good name. Did the boy tell you that? Yes, nothing is a secret for a child in this world. He just ran around eavesdropping on the employees and figured everything out. Bright boy, he'll go far in life. So what are we looking for here? The entrance. We have a maximum of half an hour, maybe an hour at best. - And then? - And then your colleagues will come and kill us. - Blast. - Scared? Oh no, it's the beer. Sorry, gentlemen, one second. Where, Lestrade? Where are you going? No, we don't have time! - Just do it here. - Honestly, I wouldn't— - I'm not a puritan, I'll turn away. To be honest, I really wouldn't mind... The Devil. I've ruined the foundation. - What? - Where? - Here. You were right. Couldn't have done this without a pint. Oh, boy, oh boy. Hold my glasses. Done. This is why they needed an engineer. Smells like a morgue. Like a devil! - A true devil, Inspector. - Let's go. Wait, we need to close up the entrance first. Hold this. - They'll notice it anyway. - Well, let's hope that they, as common policemen, won't pay attention to details. Yes, even if they notice they'll have to go back. Now, let's go! There's someone here. The engineer, poor guy. God damn it, it's unbearable. Here. I told you. I still don't understand. Why would they need to drag this machine here? - What do you mean? They'll replace the real one with it. - Why? Quite simple, gentlemen. Tomorrow the auditors will spot a fault, the machine will be replaced with a new one, and Moriarty will have a true, original machine from Her Majesty's Royal Mint... - and infinite possibilities. - Oh my God. - The Devil! - But that could ruin the nation's entire financial system! Money will turn into sweet wrappers. My salary is small enough without this happening. We wouldn't have enough to buy toothpicks. Holmes, we can't- we can't allow money to become as useless as sweet wrappers! Holmes, Holmes, we'll get arrested! All the guards are outside. So now what do we do? That which I despise more than anything in the world. We wait. We should block their escape route. We'll have to wait until they bring the machine in. - I'll shoot them as soon as they appear. - How do you know how many of them there'll be? We'll have to wait. According to my estimation there should be— Three. Even if there's ten we still have to wait! Quickly, quickly, quickly, not a sound. Quickly, hurry up! Help them. Careful, the chains. Quick, go, careful. Stop, stop, there's a hole. Gentlemen! - It's him! - Who? - Moriarty! If you break the machine, none of you will be paid. Of course sir, I understand. Hey, did you hear? I beg of you, be careful. I said that— Watson, take these rats by the entrance! Your sector is on the right. Sherlock! Escaped! Holmes! - Watson! - What is it? - You have bullets? Yes. - Holmes, shoot! - Cover me! Holmes, take the gun! Holmes! What were you aiming at? This is the police! Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up! I'm Inspector Lestrade! Cease fire! I'm Inspector Lestrade! I'm the Inspector of Scotland Yard, Lestrade! I, Fitzpatrick Lestrade, do solemnly and sincerely declare and affirm that I will well and truly serve the Queen with fairness, integrity, diligence, and impartiality, upholding fundamental human rights and according equal respect to all people. Repeat after me! And I will, to the best of my power, cause the peace to be kept and preserved and prevent all offences against people and property; - and that while I... - And that while I continue to hold the said office I will to the best of my skill and knowledge discharge all the duties thereof faithfully according to law! ...thereof faithfully according to law. Gregson! - Yes, sir! - Are you there? - Yes, sir. Who's with you? Higgins! Higgins! Yes, sir! Turn on the light. Line everyone up! Everyone line up! Line up! Hurry up! Attention! Lestrade, look at the trousers! They died on duty! Well? - Yes, sir! - I can't hear you! - Yes, sir! - Everyone to the shooting range tomorrow! - Yes, sir! Line up! Quickly, quickly, quickly! Everyone line up! - I said, quickly! - Mr. Holmes, Mr. Watson, I am very grateful for everything you did, but bear in mind: if anything leaks to the newspapers, your corpses won't ever be found. Attention! In your stories, John, if you still plan on writing them... describe me as him. Halifax Sherlock Holmes and his limits. Knowledge of Literature. - Nil. Philosophy. - Nil. Astronomy. - Nil. Politics. - Feeble. Botany. - Variable. Well up in belladonna, opium, and poisons generally. Knows nothing of practical gardening. Geology. - Practical, but limited. Tells at a glance different soils from each other. After walks has shown me splashes upon his trousers, and told me by their colour and consistence, in what part of London he had received them. Chemistry. - Profound. Anatomy. - Accurate, but unsystematic. Sensational Literature. - Immense. He appears to know every detail of every horror perpetrated in the century. Terrible at playing violin. Sherlock Holmes. Whoa! National bank, sir! So-so-so, go-go-go, you'll get 100 pounds for help. How much? - 100 pounds. Gentlemen, excuse me, this is not a railway station, luggage is not allowed here. Luggage? How do you like that luggage, son, huh? You can't imagine how great it is that you went to us! Mr. Tomby! Mr. Tomby! He will be so glad to see you when I tell him that you arrived. Mr. Tomby! Mr. Tomby! On the side, on the side, please come here. Morning. Good morning. Morning. Mr. Tomby! Sir, please. Mr. Miller, come to me after your shift, I will give you the payment, you're fired. It's impressionable to shout in the bank. Sir. Gentlemen, have a nice day. I think we are not welcome here. Gentlemen, just a minute, there was a mistake. We are ready to serve you. We're so happy. You won't steal it? Of course no, it's not comfortable here, let's go to my office. - You know, I really liked eeeh. - Miller. - Miller, or is he fired? - No-no-no, he's our best employee. - Best employee Miller, come with us. - Quick! - Yes-yes, Miller, you're with us. Sir, and me? Wait for me downstairs, I'll come soon. - Let me, sir. - Yes-yes, sure. Ebenezer Buckley. Mr. Buckley, are you willing to open an account? No, I'm willing to exchange this to gold. Jesus Christ. Mr. Buckley, how much is there? 50 thousand. Miller, bring Milk. Just kidding, whiskey, do you have whiskey? Miller, quickly bring whiskey! - Sir. - What? Maybe you're willing to put the money at an interest? Oh no, my god, the interest is the same folly as these papers. It's a pity. As a client of this bank you could've bought the gold after a month without the commission. Yes? - It's whole 5 percent! - 5 percent? I will tell you my secret: I'm having a very important deal in a few days. Oh well, we will be glad to have you amongst our clients. Yes, of course, of course. Mr. Tomby, Mr. Buckley, the gold is here. Take it, son, you deserve it. Thank you, thank you, mister, thank you. All stand! In the name of the queen you are arrested! Lie! I said lie! So what, honey, did you escape? Did you? Sir Trout, you are arrested for counterfeiting and its spread. To the carriage! - What? Counterfeiting? Counterfeiting. I'm not with him, I'm the head, I myself don- How come you, the head, can't distinguish between fake and real money? Don't! I suspected him! I didn't like him from the start! I suspected! Story six: Halifax. Halifax. Doctor, open up! I'm busy! Doctor, we have a quite urgent business! A bit later! Open up! Doctor! We are demanding for you to! Why are you packing up? What are you doing there? Fine! I'm coming, coming. Is it you? Is it you? How dare you? What happened? The fame has got to you, doctor. Look out the window. No, just look, look! What do you need? - Look, it's Sherlock Holmes! Go away! These are all fantasies, lies! Go away immediately or I'll call the police! - Mr. Holmes! - Go away! And I was thinking to myself: "What is it he's writing?" What are you writing, doctor, huh? - Don't touch! Hands away! - What? You can fantasise as much as you want! You can write about how you dissect frogs! But do not suck me and Mrs. Hudson into this abomination! What frogs? Do not, do not write the exact address! What address? Wait, Sherlock, stop! Filthy hedge writer! What is this nonsense? My god! - I didn't want to insult anybody. - Yes? That's why you described me as an ancient granny? - What granny? - As a detective, sometimes I just need to be incognito! And you have to be punished! Take it! I want to give a lesson! Listen, Sherlock. How much did you get? - Mrs. Hudson. - 20? 30 in silver? - You know, this is too much. - And you chose a foppish pseudonym! What? How is it? - Where are they? - Don't worry, these are mine! Exactly the same feelings I and Mrs. Hudson are having right now! What an abomination, what an abomination! Listen, but... What abomination. Sherlock, don't get me wrong, but this is this... Filthy hedge writer, I say! Mrs. Hudson. You paid for the flat till the end of this month. I did. You have enough time to find yourself another housing. But not a single word, not a single word about the age! Thank you, there are so many people. Is it this very Sherlock Holmes? No, this is this very mr. Watson. This very Mr. Watson! Tell me, are you very Mrs. Hudson? I thought you are much older. Good morning. Dr. Watson! Dr. Watson! Doctor, come in. You, good morning. Mr. Wilson has a very interesting story. Call the just Jabez, I'm just a seller, honestly, it's more familiar to me. Good morning Mr. Watson. So, Mr. Jabez, a year and a half, for example, you came back from China. Yes. You write a lot. Yes, true. I really did copy the Encyclopedia Britannica for two months. Encyclopedia Britannica? We are very happy, Mr. Jabez Wilson, that our note didn't pass your attention. Please just call me Jabez, it's kind of familiar to me that way. I was just never receiving any newspapers, but this one appeared in my mail by some miracle. Very interesting, continue. So I didn't really understand here: "Red-headed league." What does it mean? Ah, it's the whole purpose of it - the hair colour. Tell me, Jabez, have you experienced mockery in your childhood? School, in the yard? From your acquaintances and from people in general? Ladies? Who think that all red heads are rogues, lustful, that they are whammy and all like that? I think it did happen. - Yes, yes! Um, sorry, can I ask you? I need some precautionary measures. - Of course. Can I ask you to come closer? Closer. Sorry. - What are you doing? Sorry, I swear to god, sorry, but I had to be sure, sorry. Well, I understand you, but. - You can't imagine what can people do to get this job. We've caught three crooks with dyed hair and two more with wigs. You have a beautiful hair colour. Thank you. - Do you want to try mine? No, no need. - No, but try, I insist. I won't do it, sir. - Well, as you wish. Can you turn around and look here at this portrait? This is Ezekiah Hopkins, a Pennsylvanian millionaire. As a red headed himself he felt so much pity for all the redheads that he created this league. What newspaper is that? Where did you get this notice? Here, this newspaper, Morning Chronicle, here's the notice. Can I? - Yes. Morning Chronicle, 27th April 1890. Doctor, do you have an issue of 27th April saved? Be kind and bring it in. Please bring it in. What do you sell? Antiquaries. You know, it's more of a hobby. I earned on export of Chinese tea and now, Morning Chronicle from 27th April and Morning Chronicle from 27th April. Kind of... different newspapers - Can I? But there's no notice here. Some mystery So, straight to the point. We are proposing a job for you for 4 pounds a day. 4 pounds? This is very generous. You have to copy the Encyclopedia Britannica by hand 2 hours a day. Excuse me, and what's next? Here's one condition: You'll have to shelter the same unfortunate as we are in your house. By the way, he can serve you, so you don't need to feed him. Yes, of course. 4 pounds don't roll on the way, you understand me, Mr. Holmes, and then - for just 2 hours a day. Every day for 2 months I was copying the encyclopedia. I copied articles about abbots, archery, Arctic, architecture, and was about to start the letter "b", but this morning... I overslept this morning, to be honest. Well, yesterday the key from my clock got lost and I couldn't set it, but it think it has nothing to do with it, but one thing does. This morning I went to the league as always, but it was closed and there was this note on the door: "The red headed league is dismissed." I rushed to buy the newspaper Chronicle, I thought there would be an explanation of some sort, I don't know. There was no notice, but your story, Mr. Watson, about Mr. Holmes, a very interesting one. Doctor, be kind, close the window, it's really disturbing. I didn't get paid for the last day, so I came to you. Where do you live? Well, I have a small flat Well, I have a small flat near Saxe Coburg square. Near Saxe Coburg square? Yes, there. Get ready, let's go! Where? To your house. I'll explain everything on the way. Doctor, are you with us? How do you know that I was in China a year and a half ago? This is the approximate age of your tattoo. Doctor, take a gun with you! Look, this is Sherlock Holmes! Mr. Holmes! Go away! Excellent, great, beautiful ideas, grandiose. Listen, Holmes, maybe you can finally explain what... Yes, what happened, mr. Holmes? Watson, what do you think? How many redheads are in London? How do I know? Hundreds - Thousands. Thousands! Jabez, have you ever seen a crowd of redheads near this your league? No Considering the fact that this notice says: "A well-paid job two hours a day", two! This issue was printed out especially for you. Yes? Why? Is your guest at home? He is. Well, he was when I left. If only he wouldn't leave, if only he wouldn't leave. What do you want to say, they want to rob me? Well, if I know nothing about your collection, it's not treasurable at all. Watson, does Saxe Coburg Square tell you anything? No, I've never been there. Of course, this is a region for the rich and you're poor. - Listen. - As well as me. Why did we stop? Why did we stop? There's a policeman, sir. All policemen bastards! That how they fire at peaceful citizens for no reason! Is he hunting you, Mr. Holmes? No - you, Jabez. Whe- where are you? Holmes! Careful! - Left, left. - Careful. Billy, call Billy, Billy! Quiet, quiet. What is it? Will I die? Nothing serious, the wound is through and through. The bullet exited the body, but still it needs to be disinfected Sir, what happened? Mr. Wilson? Do you have medicine here? - Only snuff. - Well, Billy, run to the pharmacy, what do you need to buy? - All right, sir. I'll write it down, every pharmacy has it. Yes, yes, yes. - Yes, here, go. - All right, sir. - Quickly, Billy. - Yes, sir, I'm going! So what, Mr. Holmes? You wanted to see the house. - Quiet-quiet. - I'll do it later. Watson, you stay with Wilson. But you were in such a hurry to see something. I saw everything. Gregson! Yes, sir! How long should I wait for tea? Now, sir. "Gregson is the smartest of the Scotland Yarders," my friend remarked; "he and Lestrade are the pick of a bad lot. They are both quick and energetic, but conventional-shockingly so." I didn't say this, it's... Oh, literature, so to say, hyperboles. I understand, understand. Gregson! "They have their knives into one another, too. They are as jealous as a pair of professional beauties. There will be some fun over this case if they are both put upon the scent." I read this only this morning. And not you alone. All London reads it avidly. Mr. Holmes claims that you are quick and smart. I drink tea with milk! Yes, sir. Holmes, I know you think I'm a stupid policeman, an uneducated sleuth, a man with no imagination and logic. Well, you're not the only one. This is a common philistine opinion, but somehow we manage to catch criminals, robbers, rapists, murderers. And now tell me, Holmes, what's got your goat that even me, a stupid and limited person understands - you are talking nonsense. Believe me, Lestrade, I don't think that harshly about you. I don't care about your opinion. What sane person would go and rob a national bank? National bank! You can rob a national bank, Holmes, only with the help of an army. Do you know how many armed guards are there? Do you know that 38 policemen patrol the area of the bank? Do you know that it's impossible to open the bank's safe? I also know that any guard can be deceived, bribed, poisoned in the end. You can get into the bank not just from the outside and any lock created by one person can be easily picked by another one. And all this dodgy plan comes from the will of a Pennsylvanian millionaire to help the red headed? Not only because of that. Because a policeman was shooting at us today - A policeman couldn't shoot at you! - He could! He did, did! Don't you find this coincidence suspicious? For example, the situation of Wilson's house right in front of the bank, this very national one. Why exactly at this night? Because exactly today the Red Headed League was disbanded. But what do red heads have to do with this? If Wilson would be a brunet, the league would be called the Black-haired League. I don't see any logic whatsoever. Look, the rush hour on Saxe Coburg square is somewhere from 12 to 4. The robbers need Wilson's house to be empty exactly at this time. They've created a job for him right here. At 12 o'clock he was leaving, arriving at 1. 2 hours he was spending for the work and then one hour on the road back. So exactly all this period. But you are taking opium, Holmes. I warned you. I didn't understand anything, Holmes, maybe I'm stupid after all. Why don't we search the house? We'll find an underground passage there. - Good. - But we might scare the criminals away. - What if we organise an ambush? - Yes! We need an ambush. Send policemen, let them stand near Wilson's house, and I think that it will be better to take the criminals in the moment of the crime in the bank. Fine, this time I'll meet you halfway, but only for proving that you saw it all in an opium delirium. Shpolding! - Constable! - Yes, sir. - Take a policeman, you'll go with me. - Yes, sir. You're not carrying a weapon. A weapon is needed only when an arrest is carried out, but when on the street - only with a baton. Take a gun. Sir, but you promised to let me go off early today. Yes, the christenings... Alright, call Tracey. What's the business, sir? Maybe I should cancel the christenings. No, no, don't, don't. Yes-yes, don't, go. Yes, sir. - You're not sure yourself. - Why? Otherwise you wouldn't free Shpolding. Absolutely not for these reasons. I have to ask you, I'm pleading you, please do not tell anyone about our plans and intentions, and don't tell where are we going. Let me know why? Allow me to be a little capricious. This house. Command, place the guards, second exit from the yard. Go. I know you will come back. Watson, why aren't you with Wilson? The servant didn't come back with the medicine for some reason, I had to send Wilson to the hospital. Sit down. Where are we going? We're going to teach Holmes' self-confidence a lesson. A spectacular lesson. Pedagogy should be exponential. Go! He called himself Ebenezer Buckley, his last word was Halifax. Halifax? Halifax. Why do newspapers have nothing about this? The information was classified. This is a state crime after all. Ebenezer Buckley, also Halifax, also Timothy Trout. Exactly. Great talent. Do you know what he did in prison? Escape! Got scared, Stevie, huh? Very funny, Tim! He was a magician, illusionist. His talents and used in the right business... Talent choses its business all by itself. But he didn't live out of lucre, he lived out of happiness. He was playing with life. And finished badly. Excellent, excellent. He didn't have patience, but wait, no. He was fixing the thing which the real authors of the note don't have patience for. The portrait on this one is way more qualitative. Um, sorry but why, actually, "Halifax"? A dream. He wanted to go to Canada, maybe he would've become an artist. So you were saying he wanted to escape? Uh-huh, So Brickson Brickson? Brickson was there? Or Wilkinson But Brikson or Wilkinson? I don't exactly remember now, but maybe also Bython. Were they all there? I don't see anything funny, Holmes. - Do you want to say... - What? No, nothing. Gentlemen, it was a pleasure to spend my time with you, but it's 6 in the morning and I'm going home. - Guards! - Guards! How is going? The treasure of the British crown hasn't been stolen yet? Everything is fine, sir, we're searched the whole building from the basement to the attic. So tomorrow I'll get my salary as usual. - Let's go, gentlemen. - Quiet! Where's the vault? Downstairs. Gentlemen, it's here in the basement! What's this? An ambush! Go, go, go, quick! Quick, quick, quick! Go! It's Lestrade! Go! Godammit, Holmes! - You are right! - Believe me, Lestrade, I wasn't sure. Lestrade, he needs to go to the hospital! Go, go! Thank you, thank you. Patrick! Patrick! - Doctor! - Drag him to the carriage ! Thank you, thank you! Doctor, let's go, there's nothing else to do. Go! Follow me. Where? Where? - How did the patrols miss it? - It only proves my thoughts. They were digging from Wilson's house. It means that.... What? Means we'll meet them there! - But there's an ambush. - It won't be bad. We'll help them. - Go go! - Let's go! Bython, Brickson, Wilkinson! Where've you been, blockheads? - We were here, sir! - Where? We were here, sir. Go to Scotland Yard. We'll talk tomorrow. - Yes, sir! - Yes, sir! - Yes, sir! Sit down, quick! Watson, shoot! Stop, sir. Let me go! - We can't. The royal cortege. - I'm chasing a criminal! - You must be kidding me. - Damn, damn, damn! Quiet! Have some respect! Get ready. Sit down! I'll go for this one and you take these two. The road! The road! - What's wrong with you? - Stomach ache! Wait. Stop wallowing! Sit down, Watson! But I can't on two wheels! What's the difference? I drove only the three wheeled one! - Go! - Where did you get it? - Rented! London! You're going to shoot, I'm going to drive! Cortney? Shoot, shoot, doctor, shoot! Something's wrong, we need to jump. Jump! You are great no doubt, but stop wallowing, there's another one. We need to take him alive! Listen, I won't sit on a bicycle anymore! Nobody will sit on it anymore, let's go! Shpolding. Careful, Holmes, I missed! Pity, but he won't tell us anything anymore. This is very strange. I swear, Holmes, I missed him! But why did he die then? I don't know. Maybe of old age? I propose to find it out right now. You're proposing to ask him? Yes, exactly. You're a butcher. Damn! I'm a doctor, Holmes. But I agree, sometimes these things are almost the same. The intestines is empty, he was throwing up the whole time, throwing up. The liver... the liver is huge, I think he was poisoned with something, I don't know what. Belladonna. Wilson's servant. What Wilson's servant? It's Moriarty! You know, Holmes, my reasons not to trust you become less and less every day yet somehow it gets more and more on my nerves. Fine, at least now you know how he looks like. That's the thing that I don't. I wasn't looking at his face, but at his trousers, there was soil on them. I hope you remembered him. Me? I didn't, I was... I was treating Wilson's wound. I hope this helps us somehow. What's there? You're almost in time, inspector. Arrest him. I'm afraid it's a bit late, he's dead. Arrest Sherlock Holmes. You went insane, Lestrade! - Take him away. Quick! - I knew it. - I knew! - Quiet-quiet-quiet! - Go, go. - I knew it, inspector! Don't worry that much, your sentence will come to an end one day too. It wasn't entertaining with you here, but no worse than with cockroaches. Well, well, I think I've packed. You know what? I'll give you this book. Why not? "The nature of Canada" It helped me. I decided to quit. So, if you're going to look for me, I'm in Halifax. It's 35 years. 35 years is Timothy Trout I'm here yet. Hands behind, out with your belongings. Don't, don't! No, don't! To the court! Everyone to the court! Unbutton your jacket! Yes, sir! What is it? - This is silk! - Blue silk, sir! Who was friends with constable Shpolding? - Why aren't you unbuttoned? - Sorry, sir! - Helmet! - Did you get an inheritance? - No, sir! Who knew Cortney? Or Faith? Who? Nobody! Helmet! Show your weapon! In the munitions, sir! If it's longer by a half of an inch... Sir, I knew Shpolding a bit. He was always suspicious. - Yes, yes-yes, strange. - They were always strange. - They are not our friends! - We didn't talk, no. Out! Everyone get out! Sir, what do we do with Holmes? None of your goddamn business! - He's demanding a lawyer. - Me! I do the demanding here! The rest are pleading. Bring me the keys to his cell. Yes, sir. Yes, sir minister! Yes. I arrested him. Yes, sir! Yes, but he's demanding a lawyer, sir, he threatened to call... Sir, can I be honest with you? The case is very serious. No, sir, I'm not threatening you. The thing is, sir, in the police... there are simply, sir, three people fromthe bank robbery appeared to be policemen. Sir, I warned you. Yes, Holmes seems to suspect it already. I waited for your orders, sir. "...when trying to escape." Yes, sir. Yes, I'll report to you when finished. Sir. Maybe I'll do it, sir? An attempt to rob the national bank! The criminal is arrested! The continuation of the amazing adventures of Sherlock Holmes! An attempt to rob. He wouldn't leave you. He would help you out! Well, I went to Lestrade and... Why is he charged? A secret of the investigation. What nonsense. I will go to Scotland Yard myself! Let's wait till tomorrow, well. Suspecting Holmes in a crime is the same thing as suspecting you in bravery! Well, well, you know, I went there and I've been to the editorial office and in general I started off such a, so to say yes. You know what I think... I'm not interested in your thoughts! "...when trying to escape."? Why do you think so? What's in your pockets? Why did you come? Now you will tell me everything. But you know it all. - Maybe not all. - Maybe you're blind. - Do not forget yourself, Holmes! - Let's leave this politesse! You know it perfectly well that there's a gang working in the police! Can you be quiet? Even you are scared of them. I don't believe it. I don't believe you, Holmes. These people go under knives and bullets to save your miserable lives! They are on this side of the law! They were born under this law and they serve it! You know who got Dante trapped in ice in the underworld? - Who? - Lucifer! Who was born from God, by the way. And in his jaws Brutus, Cassius and Judas are being tortured! They are not traitors. Brutus and Judas? So, right now we will leave from here, but under one condition: The whole upcoming investigation will be only with me. Inspector, do you do you really want to know everything? Nobody! Looks like I won't come out of here alive anyway. Let's see. Line up! Releasing the prisoner! Releasing the prisoner! Quick! Releasing the prisoner! Quick! Move - till they realize. Now to where? - I need to go home. You're crazy! This is the last place where you should hide. That's why they won't search there. Well, guys, quiet. - You went insane! - Quiet What are you... what? - Shot to the liver is fatal. Watson, what's this silly initiative? - Run, Holmes, go. Show where the cab is till Lestrade changes his mind, go! I tried to help! - Go I'm telling you! A hero! In a few hours police will come for search to you. Excellent, we have two hours. Thank you, it's very delicious Inspector, I'd advise you to eat, we'll have a hard night. And I'm going to tell you everything, if you are ready to follow my thoughts, of course. Stop taunting. What are names of the robbers? Shpolding. Faith. Cortney. So, the robbers were doomed. You're kidding, sir. You can only take a national bank only with an army. Do you know how many guards there are? You know that 38 policemen are patrolling for the whole day and night and the safe is impossible to break into? I know. But I also know that the police can be bribed, put to sleep, deceived. And it's not only from the outside that you can get into the bank. If a lock was made by one person, there will be always another one to pick it. You bribed the guards? But how else could you get into the bank? Do you have a latchkey? Yes, gentlemen. Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes. I made a tunnel. From that house to the bank. At the scheduled time the guards will go to the duty room. And the... Latchkey... Here... 30 percent. Of course in order not to seem suspicious Moriarty started bargaining. And as a result they probably stopped on the number... 10. I propose to drink to the success of our endeavour. And right here he poisoned them. Have you been there? This is the key to wind the clock in Wilson's house. Moriarty gave it to the robbers as the key to the bank's safe to placate them. So why did he need to start an already doomed business? It means that the robbery was just a cover, a masquerade, bloody performance to hide a much more disturbing crime. What can be more disturbing? To rob a national bank! - Yes! How frightening can it be, huh? I can't get Halifax out of my head. What did he forget there? It's strange that the policemen appeared near the bank and killed Halifax when he tried to escape. By the way, you wanted to kill me exactly like that. - I didn't. - You did. Lestrade, you did. When you walked in my cell you were stinking with whiskey. I know you are a conscientious person, that's why you had to drink before and why, by the way, who cancelled the sentence? I decided it myself. I always decide everything by myself. Shall we go? Where? To visit the wounded. - Read the Morning Chronicle! Inspector Lestrade prevented a robbery of the century! - Boy, the newspaper Doctor, what do you want to read from there? You know it by heart. Lestrade caught all the robbers or god dammit, Doctor, what did you write about me again? Listen, listen, buy yourself a copy - Read the Morning Chronicle! - Boy! Read the Morning Chronicle! That's it. We're leaving. Brodigan was there, I was about to get caught, quick. - But wait, I have... - Quick - ...instruments. Hell with it, I don't need them now. Do you think I'm insane? - Me? No, I - But I do - Damn, how horrible it is to be in hiding - Now you understand the criminals, huh? Inspector Lestrade prevented the robbery of the century! Well, I see everything is going well. - Hello! I'm not going with you anywhere - Jabez, I... And actually, who the devil wanted me to meet you. Who the devil who wanted you to live opposite of the national bank? Hello I've read, I've read it. Horrible. So to say, we don't need you. We need the key from your flat in exchange for this one. Oh, this is the key to my clock! Where did you find it? Well, let's say... On the bank of the Thames. And in details? And in details... Doctor, when is the next story coming out? In what issue? Get well. Holmes, you understand, eh... The villains have been killed, the bank hasn't been robbed - what else would we find here? I ordered to have the tunnel refilled. The robbers weren't killed by us. By poison. What nonsense nonsense. I shot a bullet myself into this. Watson. Belladonna. They were poisoned about two hours before the robbery. That's why they were running so slowly. - The poison was already in action - God dammit! It means that the others are looking for Moriarty. If it was a part of the plan, it means they're only looking for us. Betraying their comrades? What are you..? - Lestrade, do you know what phrenology is? - No. What is it? One Austrian Franz Gall, Let me, studied human skulls and found out that the bumps and dents can make up quite a detailed psychological portrait of a human. - Nonsense. - Don't say. So what? What do you think, how do bumps on a policeman's head differ from bumps on a criminal's head? How? No how. Sometimes I want to... Yes, Holmes, sometimes you do look strange. Like a dog, I don't know, like a sleuth I am a sleuth So. Interesting. Lestrade, so there was an order to fill the tunnel up, right? Yes. When was it filled up? Yesterday or today. To say, not in a rush. So, light me. Umm, taste it. Damn, I'm so lacking in natural knowledge. - Excuse me, what? - I need to go home. Quickly. Did we find something? Yes. I sense it. I repeat, it's dangerous out there. Not as dangerous as to miss the crime of the century. Listen, Holmes, I too like pompous phrases, but you... yes... Wherever you go, poets are everywhere. Excuse me, what? Wherever you go, poets are everywhere. Poets are everywhere and anywhere it's only me who's going to work, and I don't write any poems there. Watson. How much do they pay for a line? - 10 pennies - How much? ! 10 pennies. - 10 pennies? Outrageous. - A robbery. Here, you risk your life for some pennies. Do you know how much do I earn, Watson? You know... By the way... Why don't you write about us? About simple guys who are guarding your peace every day? Yes, we are not angels, we are the same common people who, sadly have to deal with criminals murderers, offenders. And you are writing some filth about us. - For 10 pennies - Yes, you're right we can't go home now. I'll send a messenger. I know where we can hide. "Across the wall in blood there was scrawled 'Rache'", you amplified it so bad. Lestrade, are you sure they won't find us here? No, this is a safe house, only few people know about it all of them are reliable. I had no doubts about you. Quiet! - Who? - Me. Brought it? Was there anyone following you? You're offending me, sir. Good job. - So what, tell me - The house is clean Well, actually Mrs. Hudson always has it clean, friend. Not in that sense. Nobody's suspicious out there, even though there was one moustachioed guy near the house. Moustachioed? Yes.. - A half of our constables are moustachioed - Exactly. Maybe it was a constable. I did everything you asked. I threw a stone at the window, the owner ran out and dragged me by my ear. By the way, you owe me 2 pennies, she dragged me very hard. Lestrade, give him 2 pennies. Careful. - That's it, I'm leaving. - Good job. Good job. Go. By the way, I don't recommend you stay long here. Why? Did they track you down? No, there are a lot of policemen around. This is a conspirator basement. How do you know? The whole street knows. Lestrade, you told me this was a reliable place. - I'm leaving. - Go. Mr. Watson. - The murderers are Masons? - "Ha-li-fax" Of course, he was a counterfeiter. And what can connect Halifax and Moriarty? Is it alike, sir? - Not bad - But now will you free me? No, Mr. Trout. - You'll work for a bit. - I'm not going to work here anymore. Even if you kill me. I think we can do it any time. And you're not going to work here. Where? Look here. Are you serious? How can I get there? Who would accept me with my past? Mr. Ebenezer Buckley has a crystal clear past. And if I escape? Why would Moriarty need a counterfeiter of Halifax's level? I have never seen such a good forgery. Do you know how many of these are in London? There are a lot more than you think. I repeat, even I have never seen something like this. Even the bank's employees, those eyes are sharp, didn't recognise the forgery. Do you know why? Unlike the usual forgeries, this one was printed on the machine that prints the real notes. Where are we going? There is one place, but it's no good for policemen to go there. Here we are under the protection of the army, so to say. Mr. Watson! - What is left from you? We are happy to see you. Of course we will tolerate your civilian friend, but narks have nothing to do in here. Whom are you calling a nark, buddy? Either he leaves by himself or... Inspector! Corporal of the Seventh Infantry Regiment. Fitzpatrick Lestrade! Lies, I was serving there, but I didn't see you. What year? - From 70 to 80. In 72. Lies. I was serving there since 55. Transferred to the reserve in 1853. Who was the boss there? Colonel Douley. - Who? Douley. The Toothpick. - Our man! - Welcome! This is our man. You know how does loam differs from sandstone? Well, I didn't taste it, I... The composition. Composition. The loam is a bit sour. Sandstone is fresh, so it means? - What? - What? Remember you said that the tunnel was filled up two days ago? The day before yesterday it was rainy, but the soil was dry there, and it was loam. Even though they use sandstone for these cases. I... how, sorry, it's my... - Can you say shorter? - No. I don't believe it myself and you shouldn't either. By the way, you, John, are an inattentive person. What about me and inattentive? In that Chronicle issue, there truly was one notice, a very modest one. Read. Well, "Needed. - An engineer is needed an engineer for underground works... - ...works yes and constructions". - Well? Obviously they found him. Watson, do you have 10 pennies? - 15! - Robbery! 20! - 15. 15 - Take it, little extortionist. I can charge more for the insult. And I can beat you up. Thank you, Tom. Barman! So, where did we stop? - On the engineer, yes. We've seen the tunnel. - This was a hole for which they didn't need an engineer. Do they want to build an underground? A second tunnel. They didn't fill up the entrance to the bank, they were finishing the second tunnel. To the bank? To the Royal Mint. So what, fellow? Is it fine? Yes-yes, thank you, sir. The job is not hard. Don't even think about stealing a single penny, we have it all counted. I wouldn't go just for a penny, sir. Moriarty arranged Halifax to work in the mint, and it was all lying on the surface, I didn't believe it myself, I was thinking why would Halifax work in the mint? No, Holmes, can't sort it out without a pint. Barman! - Three more! - Did they decide to rob the mint? Do not talk nonsense, it's impossible. Moriarty decided to rob whole of England. To copy the printing machine? Who told you this? A forged note in the bank. Inside the bank Wait... And Halifax? All this story with the forgeries? Why did he go the bank? Didn't he understand he would be killed? Poor Halifax, I'm sure he didn't go there for profit, but for the beauty, for the courage. It was spectacular. Spectacular and fatal. Like all the great tricks. Let's drink to Halifax. Wait. Wait a minute, why do we have go to the mint right now? Why not tomorrow? Why not yesterday? Because the crime will happen there at this exact day. At what time? From 12 to 8. But Holmes, have mercy, but... but... how can you be so accurate? Because exactly today a mechanic for the printing machines starts his job - Jabez Wilson. The ginger! Of course it won't be him. They just used his good name. Did they boy tell you that? Yes, there are no secrets in this world. He just ran around the employees listening and figured everything out. Good boy, he will achieve a lot. So what are looking for here? The entrance. We have maximum a half an hour, maybe an hour. - And then? - And then your colleagues will come and kill us. - Devil - Eeh, scared? Oh no, it's the beer. Sorry, gentlemen, one second. Where, Lestrade? Where are you going? No, we don't have time! - Do it right here. - Honestly, I would. - I'm not a puritan, I will turn away. To be honest, I myself wouldn't mind. Devil. I've ruined the foundation. - What? - Where? - Here. Yes, true. Couldn't sort it out without a pint. Oh, wow, wow. Hold my glasses. Give it back. That's why they needed an engineer. Smells like morgue. Devil! - A true devil, inspector. - Let's go. Wait, we need to close down the entrance first. Hold it. They'll notice it anyway. Well, let's hope they, as common policemen, won't pay attention to details. Yes, even if they notice they'll have to go back. Now, let's go! There's someone here. The engineer, poor guy. Goddamit, it's unbearable. Here. I told you. I still don't understand. Why would they need to drag this machine here? What do you mean? They'll replace the real one with it. Why? Very easy, gentlemen. Tomorrow the auditors will spot the fault, the machine is replaced with a new one and Moriarty gets a real, original machine machine from The Royal Mint of Her Majesty - ...and infinite possibilities. - Oh my god. Devil! Listen, but it can ruin the whole financial system of great Britain! Money will turn into candy wrappers. My salary is small even without this happening. It wouldn't be enough to buy toothpicks. Holmes, listen, we can't allow money to turn into candy wrappers! Holmes, Holmes, we'll get arrested. All the guards are outside. So what are going to do? Now the thing I dislike like nothing else in the world. We'll wait. We should block the exit for them. We'll have to wait until they bring the machine in. I'll shoot them as soon as they appear. How do you know how many of them are there? We'll have to wait. According to my estimation there should be... Three. Even if ten we need to wait. Quickly, quickly, quickly, don't make noise. Quickly, quickly, quickly! Help them. Careful, the chains. Quickly, go, careful. Stop stop, there's a hole. Gentlemen! It's him! Who? - Moriarty! If you break the machine, I won't pay you. Of course sir, I understood. Hey, did you hear? I'm pleading you, be careful. I told that. Watson, take these rats by the entrance! Your sector is on the right. Sherlock! Escaped! Holmes! Watson! - What? Got ammo? - Yes. Holmes, shoot! - Cover me! Holmes, take the gun! Holmes! Where did you shoot? This is the police! Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up! I'm inspector Lestrade! Cease fire! I'm inspector Lestrade! I'm the inspector of Scotland Yard Lestrade! I am... Fitzpatrick Lestrade do solemnly and sincerely declare and affirm that I will well and truly serve the Queen... with fairness, integrity, diligence... and impartiality, upholding fundamental human rights and according equal respect to all people. Repeat after me! And I will to the best of my power. Cause the peace to be kept and preserved. And prevent all offences against people and property; And that while I... And that while I continue to hold the said office I will to the best of my skill and knowledge discharge all the duties thereof faithfully according to law! ...thereof faithfully according to law. Gregson! Yes, sir! Are you here? - Yes, sir! Who's near you? Higgis! Higgis! Yes, sir! Turn on the light. Line everyone up! Everyone line up! Line up! Quickly, quickly! Attention! Lestrade, look at the trousers! They died on duty! What? - Yes, sir! I can't hear! - Yes, sir! Everyone to the shooting range tomorrow! - Yes, sir! All to the line! Quickly, quickly, quickly! Everyone line up! - I said quickly! - Mr. Holmes, Mr. Watson, I am very grateful for everything you did, but bear in mind: if anything leaks to the newspapers, your corpses won't ever be found Attention! In your stories, John, if you are still going to write them describe me as him. Halifax. Major Crimes 02x06 Boys Will Be Boys Original Air Date July 15, 2013 911. What's your emergency? My... my daughter is... My daughter hasn't come home. I-it's not like her to stay out this late. How old is your daughter? She's 13. She's only 13. - And when was she last seen? - What time did this call come in? - Last night... two minutes after midnight. She called my wife, her mom, to get a ride home, and then she wasn't there. And we responded immediately. We've called her friends. We've looked everywhere for her. Where was your daughter last seen? Well, she called from the mall, wanting a ride home, but when my wife went to pick her up, she wasn't there. And where's your wife now? Mom's out driving around, looking for Michelle. And... and she was... She had a bully. This kid at the mall... He bullied her last weekend. She was bullied? Yes! This kid and his friends... They followed her into the bathroom last week, and they assaulted her. You told the 911 operator that your daughter was bullied? Yeah, last weekend at the, um, at the same mall. This bully... he got a group of boys together, trapped her in the bathroom Pulled down her pants, and took pictures. We don't call that bullying, Mr. Brand. We call that sexual battery of a minor. Why didn't you report that? Because Michelle begged us not to. She... she didn't want to draw any more attention to herself. She already feels ostracized enough as it is. And why is that? Does she have any defining tattoos or birthmarks? No, no, no, no. She's a tomboy. Just tell the police to look for a tomboy in a white skirt and pink top, I think. Is Michelle... a boy? She used to be Michael. Now she's Michelle. How long ago did this transition begin? Well, she was diagnosed with gender identity disorder in the first grade. Other than last week at the mall, has anyone else attacked Michelle - or taken pictures of her? - No, she was teased a lot, but that was the first time that anybody ever hurt her. Any chance she ran away? No. No, no, no. Was your daughter depressed? Did she ever talk about hurting herself? No, look, I already told you that I was worried that damn boy at the mall might have attacked her. I mean, that's why she called home for a ride, because she saw him again, and she got scared. I mean, maybe she's running away from him. Can you describe this young man? Look, I wish I could, but I've never seen him. Okay, what's his name? Uh, he doesn't go to her school. I don't know. I can get his screen name. Those pictures from the mall bathroom... - He posted them. - Why didn't you tell me that? Michelle didn't want you to know. I'm so sorry. I would have told you, but she was so embarrassed. Oh, my God, you did it? You called the police? What did you expect me to do? John, you're overreacting. - She's been missing since 7:00. - She's probably at a friend's house. No, I already called all of her friends. - Look, I can't just sit here. - Shh. Excuse me. Is this Michelle's computer? May we take a look at it? Yes, of course. Finally. "Mr. T... the Tranny Hunter... "Has sent your male junk to every e-mail, Facebook, Can you click on "junk"? Ugh. Oh, my God. Freaking tranny, huh? Oh, look at this. What are you doing in the girls' bathroom, kiddo? What are you doing here? You think you're a girl, huh? Girls don't have this, do they? Ohh, girls don't have that, huh? Who's seen this? How many people has he sent this to? These pictures have probably gone viral. You see, this is exactly why she wanted to change schools. What are we supposed to do... Sell our house, uproot our family in the middle of Matt's senior year of high school? That's insane. No, the harassment of our daughter is what's insane. Oh, my God. We have turned our lives upside down to accommodate that child. What else do you want from us? Look, what do you expect her to do... go back to school after that's all over the Internet? Is there any way you can take those pictures of the kid offline? I'm working on it, Andy, but our bully is hiding behind a moderately sophisticated proxy server, and I need him to log on so I can trace his I.P. Well, there's a large, wooded park between the house and the mall. If our missing child walked home or tried to get away from somebody, it'd be a likely place to hide. Well, I need evidence dogs to search the park... as many as I can get. One second, lieutenant. Don't hang up. How long since the child was last seen? 15 hours... since 7:00 last night. Okay, let's call it a critical missing. Give Provenza all the resources he needs. Thank you, Chief. Just find her... or him... Or whoever he is. I want a 40-block grid search. Half your guys start at the mall where she was last seen. The other half start right here. Am I supposed to tell them to look for a boy or a girl? Birth certificate says male. Well, a lot's changed since then. Just find the kid alive, okay? You know, when, um, when Michelle was still in diapers, and I kid you not, she used to correct us if we called her a boy. He'd say, "God made a mistake. He gave me the wrong body, mommy." We fought it for years. I mean, you know, took away toys that were feminine, dressed her like a boy. Nothing worked. Excuse me, folks. Um, we need some unwashed items from Michelle's laundry basket... Something the dogs can get a scent from. He's logged on. I have him. I have our bully. Lewis Gates. Coming! Hello, Mrs. Gates. Can I help you? Is Lewis here? L.A.P.D.! Stop! L.A.P.D.! Stop! Hey, watch it! Go that way. Looks like a girl's scrunchie. I'll get the Command Center up here. Call the captain. Well, I don't know if it's good news or bad, but I'm pretty sure it belongs to Michelle. Oh, God. Well, I may have the guy who can tell us how it fell off. How'd you scratch yourself, Lewis? It must have happened when you beat me. - Any luck? - Well, if you call the mall having 500 security cameras lucky. I downloaded a new facial-recognition program. Good. I'll need it. Hey, Buzz. Lieutenant, you remember Kris, don't you? Buzz. Lieutenant. Hi, there. Work, work, work. Hey. What are you looking at, faggot? I'm sorry. I thought you were in the doorway. I'll get back to you, lieutenant. Um, let's just... let's just go study. I uploaded a photo of our bully, and now this new facial-recognition software will scan all the security-camera footage for a match. I don't know what you're talking about, lady. I wasn't anywhere near that ugly mall. Were you at the park last night? What park? The park between the mall and Michelle's house. Michelle? Oh. You mean Mikey... the tranny? No. I like to stay as far away from that freak as I can. Really? Is that why you attacked her last week in the bathroom, pulled her pants down, took photographs? And posted them all over the Internet? Look, it was using the girls' toilet, man. Guys aren't allowed in there. That's sick, and everybody thinks so. I'm just the only person that had enough balls to do something about it. You call Michelle "it"? It isn't a girl... And, uh, it says it's not a guy, so it isn't anything, and it needed a lesson. You call it a lesson? We call it sexual battery. How old are you? 15. How old are you? Old enough to recommend you get tried as an adult. You could be going away for a very long time. - It was a joke! - It wasn't funny! This happened over a week ago, man. Why are you guys hassling me about it now? Because Michelle is missing. We got something! Lieutenant, over here! Right here! Freak probably ran away. Look, I have ran off plenty of times, and you guys have never come looking for me. Do you think they'll treat you like a boy or a girl in jail? I'm not going to jail. And do you want to know why? Because Mikey got what it deserved. There Lewis is... 7:09 P.M. And look who's right in front of him. Captain, we have Lewis on camera at the mall last night within 15 feet of Michelle. Okay, Lewis, you lied about not being at the mall. You lied about not seeing Michelle. What else are you lying about? Sharon has to work late, so after tense negotiations, she has agreed that I should drop Kris off at her house and get you some dinner. But no burgers. Fine. Pizza, then. Oh, uh, did you guys find that trans kid yet, or...? Her body. Yeah. Oh. Wow. How old was she? 13. Oh, my God. So, it's a hate crime? Every murder is a hate crime. You know, the last guy I dated ended up being gay. Really? He wasn't, like, a cross-dresser or anything. He just liked other boys. Yeah, I think that's how it works. Have you talked to the victim's parents yet? No, but they're on their way in, so... Even tougher than working Internal Affairs, huh? Mm. Come on, kids. Let's go. Let's get while the getting's good. I'll save you a slice of something. Be careful on the way home. Deanna, take a mold of this impression from the shovel, please? Uh-huh. Patrick, take pictures of all of this. It bothers me a lot. How so, lieutenant? Look at the way the body's arranged. Her eyes have been closed, and she's turned a little bit on her side. Is that a tissue in her mouth? Yeah. It's like whoever put her in the grave didn't want the kid to breathe in any dirt. You mean she was buried alive? That's unlikely. The whole side of her skull is crushed in. Kendall, uh, any chance that the child was killed somewhere else and then moved? No. This was the place. Blood here. Blood there. A little bit of bone in the grave. Okay, maybe our bully secretly had the hots for her. Maybe that's why he pulled off her clothes last week and took pictures. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was a family member who did this. Considering how she was laid to rest, let's search the Brands' house while they're with the captain. Family first, as I always say. Family first. Is there, uh, any news yet? Any news at all? I'll let you know the minute we confirm something. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Uh, right this way. Okay, so, Michelle called the house a few minutes after 7:00 last night, wanting a ride home from the mall. What happened next? First I chewed her out because she wasn't supposed to be at the mall, and then I put the dinner in the oven, and I got in the car to go get her. You were home, too? I was watching the Dodgers game. I should have gone to the mall with mom, but... When I got to the mall, Michelle didn't come out. I-I waited. I tried her cell. I-I figured that she caught a ride with somebody. I wish I had gone in to look for her. I should have gone in the mall. And you, Mr. Brand? Just stuck on the 101 Freeway. And what time did you get home? Um, 8:30 or 9:00. I don't know. You know, by then I'd already talked to Annie, and she told me Michelle was missing. We all just started to panic. Oh, my God, that's him! - Matt. Wait, Matt! - That asshole killed my sister! Hey, asshole, what'd you do to my sister, huh? - Matthew! - Son of a bitch! Matt! Matthew! Matthew! Get up here! Get off me! - Stop! - Matthew! Go! - Go! Go! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Let's go. The victim's cellphone run out of juice? Battery's missing. Sykes. Yes, I want you to go to the victim's house. Bring a few boxes. Go through their bedrooms, gather all their shoes, - and, Sykes? - Yes, sir? I want you to bag them and tag them separately. There were no signs of sexual abuse. Thank God. Is it possible that he was under a lot of... She. Let's stick with "she." It helps me to identify with the victim, okay? Okay. It sounds like this child was in an extremely stressful situation. Is it possible that she committed suicide? And then buried herself? Lawyers. I'm writing down homicide, Rios. The murder weapon appears to be something like a heavy length of pipe, only tapered at the end. See how the wounds go from narrow to wider? You're describing a bat. Oh, God. An aluminum bat... could be. She's running. She looks back. The bat swings to the side of the head. She falls to her knees. The bat swings again. And one last time... just to make certain. Poor kid. This kind of thing... I can't get used to it. Let's hope we never do. Captain, do you have a suspect in custody? Yes, but I have issues with charging him. You have to, or you have to let him go. He's a juvenile. We can't keep him more than eight hours. I'd like to hold him a little longer than that, Emma. - How much longer? - Two or three years. Lewis has confessed to sexual battery. And distributing lewd pictures of a minor. But his behavior and his personality are inconsistent with our victim's burial. If you look at the crime scene where we found Michelle... Somebody who cared about her did this. So, the brother or the father? Excuse me, captain. I just wanted to report that I bagged and tagged all the shoes in the victim's house and took them to the lab to be processed. Thank you, detective. Thank you. Buzz, wire up Detective Sykes and myself with video cameras, please. I want to document this family's reaction when we give them the death notification. I'm afraid we have bad news. Oh, God. Oh, no. We found Michelle's body less than a mile from your house. Oh, my God. This is not happening. You mean you mean she's dead? Yes. I'm so sorry. We've confirmed it's her, but while we're still trying to make our case against the murderer, that's all I can tell you. Was it that monster? Was it... was it Lewis? We are holding him, but we can't say more than that. I, uh... I want to see her body. - Is that possible? - John, please. I want to see her, okay? Look, I-I have to see her. - Him you want to see him. - No, her. I said "her," and I meant "her"! For God's sake, John, I told you that this would happen, and you wouldn't listen to me. Are you happy now? Are you happy that you bought him those dresses, that you gave him makeup, that you let him grow his hair out? - Mom. - And they're off. I'm not having this argument again. You let him pretend himself to death, and no one could talk you out of it! Would you stop blaming me? ! Oh, somebody's got a temper. I didn't... I didn't make her what she was. Sorry to interrupt, but to get out of your way and finish up our investigation against Lewis, we need to hear your timeline again. Our times for what? You already know who did this. Could you just listen to someone else for a minute? Are you never tired of getting it wrong? What... what did I get wrong? If you'd only stood up to him. - Oh. - If you hadn't encouraged him... I tried to accept her, which is more than you ever did! Look, what are you guys doing? Look, Michelle is dead, so can you please stop pretending that all of your arguments are about her? You hate each other. God! What's the dad's alibi? Stuck in traffic. Let's see what's going on in his finances. Even now, you're... you're still calling her a boy. If you had only backed me up. Excuse us, please. We'll leave you two to talk this through. We're very sorry for your loss. Captain? Wait. I have a right to see my daughter's body. Oh. Mr. Brand, I don't think you understand. Your daughter is at the morgue, and that is not a place that you want to be right now. I promise you. I have the right to see her body as a parent, don't I? I want to see my daughter's body. Again? I want to see my daughter's body! I think that transgender kid was brave as hell. It took a lot of guts to live in the open like that, and her father deserves credit for having supported her. Her father gave her dresses. He might as well have put a target on the back that said, "beat me." She asked for those dresses, and I still say brave kid. Besides, it could be just as dangerous pretending to be somebody you're not. A lot of kids that repress that kind of feeling end up killing themselves. You can't hide who you are, as I'm sure you know. Sure I know what? Well, as you know from... from... from being a foster child. Am I right, or am I right? Sharon, could that young lady have hidden her identity? From what I read, gender identity dysphoria in children is not a choice. Hmm. Pancakes? - Oh, um, yes, thank you. - She only wants one. - Who eats only one pancake? - Uh, your wife. Uh-oh. Incoming. It's just Kris. We're reading "Romeo and Juliet" right now. We both missed it in 9th grade, and I-I think it's making her emotional. So, are you two dating now? No, no. We're just hanging out. I mean, I like her a lot, but it's... it's hard to date when I have to take a police escort everywhere I go. Excuse me. You know what? I'm gonna need to move, so... - Uh, oh, you've got it. - Okay, thanks. Mm-hmm. I thought you told me he'd been hustling men on the street. Is he not gay? He hasn't told me anything about that, and I am not asking. Maybe he's confused. I could help him sort out his priorities. Listen, I only told you about the abuse that he went through so that you could be sensitive to his issues, not so that you could push him in one direction or the other. - I never push people. - You spent virtually no time with our children when they were Rusty's age. Why are you so interested in him? Look, I am brutally aware that I am not a good parent, Sharon, but it's not necessary to remind me every five minutes. Oh, it is. Well, maybe I'm interested in the kid because you are. I wish that you would develop the same interest in finding yourself an apartment. There was no wreck on the 101, captain, but even if there had been, I checked with Mr. Brand's office, and he took the whole afternoon off. So, why'd he lie? Well, maybe he spent the day getting ready to kill his daughter. Murders take planning. He seems to love her. - Maybe too much. - Oh, God. Let's not go there. I traced a credit check from a landlord in Santa Monica to Mr. Brand. He signed the lease for a one-bedroom apartment the day of the murder. What else is he covering up? He moved money out of his bank account... $80,000. And he ordered furniture for the new place online. I need some way to ask Mr. Brand about these things, but first I'm gonna shake him up. How? By giving him what he asked for. You sure you want to do this, sir? 'Cause who you see in there is not gonna be your daughter, and that image is gonna be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. Have you ever lost a child? Not exactly. Well, then you probably wouldn't understand. What happened? Her head was crushed in with a baseball bat. My baby. Does he look like he's bluffing to you? No, he looks guilty. A lot of murderers fall apart when they see their victims. What in God's name are you implying? You think renting that apartment means... means what? That I was having an affair. Is that it? We don't know what to think. Maybe you can tell us who the apartment was for. It was for me and Michelle. You two were planning on moving in together across town, away from your wife? I was renting the apartment to establish residency so Michelle could go to high school in Santa Monica. After that Lewis kid attacked her at the mall, she begged me to let her start over someplace where nobody knew her. Did your wife know about this? I signed the lease the day that Michelle was... I planned on... on... telling my wife, but then I... Oh, God, time has come to a complete stop. Do you know that? No, you don't know that, 'cause you're all running around, doing this and doing that, but for me, the world has completely stopped spinning, and I'm just... stuck in this one horrible moment, this one terrible mistake. What were you asking about? My apartment. That's right. I didn't tell my wife because she already thought Michelle was spoiled. I was just thinking about how to say it. What about the money? What money? Oh, I gave, uh... Gave them the security deposit and the first month's rent. You also cashed in your joint-retirement account. You took $80,000 out of the bank. That was for Michelle. For Michelle? Were you planning on telling your wife about that? Not right away, because she was very much against what we were gonna do with the money. What were you going to do? Hormone-replacement therapy is very expensive... I mean, very, very, very, very expensive. And it's not just that insurance doesn't cover it. It's the whole idea of shooting a Tsunami of hormones... Hormones from the opposite sex... Into my son's beautiful body before he started puberty. Would you do that? How much money was this going to take? Michael would have developed breasts and hips, and it's permanent. That's a huge decision for a 13-year-old. How much? $75,000. Now, I know that Michael wanted to transition, but that's a lot of money for an otherwise healthy child, and who knows what the long-term effects would be? I didn't want him to do it. I just wanted him to wait until he turned 21 and his judgment was better. Does that make me a bad mother? No. But to me, this shovel brings your parenting skills into serious question. That's not mine. Strange... we found it in the trunk of your car. Your fingerprints are all over the handle. That's because I borrowed it from the office. I'm a realtor. I used it to plant a "for sale" sign the other day. Where? New listing, not far from our house. Why is that important? 'Cause the dirt on the blade of this shovel matches the dirt in your daughter's grave. And the dirt on these shoes of yours... It also matches the dirt from your daughter's grave. That's probably because the house that I told you about... It backs right up to the park. And I'm not a geologist or whatever, but I bet that's why the dirt is the same. You know, that's a really good explanation, Mrs. Brand. Now, could you also explain how you know that your daughter was buried in the park? Because we never told you that. You... you said, uh... you... Mrs. Brand, we have arrived at that point in our relationship that the lying has to end. I am a good mother. I'm a good mother. I'm a good mother. And I want a lawyer. You'll need one. Because as of this moment, you are under arrest for murder in the first degree. SID says the girls phone was wiped clean. - How Clean? Let's put it this way... the texts are gone forever, and they might have been useful. You'd like "Shakespeare In Love." I cannot believe you haven't seen it yet. It's such a good movie. It's basically "Romeo and Juliet" crossed with "Twelfth Night." Okay, so, explain to me how two boring plays make one good movie. Shut up. It's playing at that place you like... Hollywood Forever. Oh, you mean "The Graveyard"? Yeah. Rusty says they take these movies and project them onto this big wall... Kind of like a drive-in movie theater, only without the cars. Everyone brings blankets and lawn chairs. - And pot. - And beer. Actually, it's more of a wine crowd. And not everyone partakes. I don't. Ah, quoth the girl in the cop shop. Hi, Rusty. Hey, Emma. Have... Have you met my, um... Kris? Kris, this is the always-creepy Emma Rios. Creepy Emma, Kris. - Hi. - She's the prosecutor in that murder trial I'm supposed to testify in... the one who's basically wrecking my life. You were doing a good job of that before I ever showed up. - Rusty. - Jack. Emma, I believe the captain is expecting us. And that lady's the reason why I can't go with you to see "Shakespeare In Love," unless you want to hang with the really popular kid who brings a police escort to the movies. I'm sure the potheads would love that. All right. Time to study. This way. And it doesn't help anything to call Emma "creepy." Aw, poor little Kris. "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, and therefore is wing'd cupid painted blind." Sir? - You're weird. - I am, indeed, detective, and thus, I take my leave of you. There's nothing unique about that shovel. I'll tell you what's unique about it... Her prints are all over it. You can buy a shovel like that at any hardware store... Is that unique enough? That's what her lawyer will say. Well, what will her lawyer say about the dirt from the grave that's on the shovel, on her shoes? He'll say what you already know... That you can't prove when the dirt got there, and he'll go out and prove that the dirt does not have the unique qualities we need, and it won't. Couldn't you have waited a little longer until she... No. We pushed her to lawyer up. Now, here we are. Let's review. Right. Her daughter's body was buried in the same position that the kid probably slept in. No, no, don't you dare turn away. Now, you want this case, you grow up, and you look at these pictures side by side. You know they'll put the victim on trial... The girl in the boy's body, the gender bender, the misfit... how much trouble she was to her mom. Where's Hobbs? Captain, for the love of God, call Hobbs. It only takes one vote, one juror, to ruin the entire case. I'd like a prosecutor who isn't afraid of losing in a good cause. Emma... Emma, y-you think I understand boys who think they're girls? I'm just as much at sea as your jurors will be, but I know when a kid has had his head bashed in. Now, capt... captain, are... Are you even listening to me? - Mm. - What are you looking at? Phone records. Phone records? What about phone records? Kids don't call. They text. The only person that Rusty calls on his cellphone is me. Kris, he texts. And? I promise you, Mr. Brand, we can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your wife buried your daughter. I don't believe it. My wife could never, ever murder her own child. It's impossible. Yeah, mom didn't kill Michelle. We all loved Michelle. Is that why you keep calling her cellphone, Matt, even though you know she's dead? But you didn't call her... not a single time... the entire month before she died. You texted each other a lot, but you never called. Until night before last, when you dialed your sister's number over 100 times in a row, before you supposedly knew she was missing. Why? I think I know why. Your mother was in the park, looking for Michelle's body, hunting for where you left it, by following the ringtone. Is that how it happened? - What are you saying? - Mr. Brand. And yesterday and today, you've gone on calling because you miss the sound of her voice. Is that it? Hey, everybody, if you're talking to this phone, you must be somebody I love. If you love me back, leave me a lovely message. Bye. Matt, you want to tell us what happened now, or do you want your mother to sit in jail for the rest of her life? What reason would my wife have for killing our daughter? Maybe because you and Michelle were leaving us. Maybe because mom didn't want you to move out. No, no. Your mother didn't even know about that. Oh, my God. Matthew? Michelle called the house. Your mom was making dinner, and you got into the car, and you went to the mall to pick her up. What have you done? Yeah, I picked her up. Dad and I are moving to Santa Monica. She told me all about your little apartment in Santa Monica. It's true. We're moving, and I'm gonna start at Santa Monica high school. The kids there are so cool. She was all happy. She was excited about tearing our family apart. Dad's moving out? Are they getting a divorce? That's why she wanted to go to the mall. She wanted to say goodbye to her friends. I don't know. I mean, who cares if they get a divorce? She said, "I don't care if they get a divorce." We weren't divorcing. She was just changing schools! She was destroying everything! I'm supposed to lose my family because she wants hormone shots? - Matt. - Everything... everything has always, always, always been about her. It's been like living in an insane asylum from the moment she was born. So you put a stop to it. I mean, if you had seen the expression on her face when she told me that you two were leaving. God, why is everything always about you? - Why can't you be happy for me? - She thought I'd be happy for her. That's how crazy selfish she was. All those years explaining her, protecting her, and I'd had it. Just let me out. I pulled the car over, and she got out... And ran toward the park. I chased her. - With a bat? - With a bat. I hit her with it. And then after you killed her? I wasn't trying to do that. Oh, yes, you were. You hit her in the head three times. You did mean it. And then you went home and you told your mom. And she went out and buried Michelle. And took the battery from her phone. Hoping we wouldn't find her... hoping to protect you. Well, maybe... maybe... maybe she thought that we could just go back to being a regular family again. You chased your little sister down, and you beat her to death with a bat? Yeah, I chased her. And you know what, dad? What? She didn't run like a girl. Okay, Matt. We've already arrested your mother, and to let her go... and so she can't continue to act as if she's the one who did this... I need you to tell me... where'd you put the bat? Just one more thing to do. I didn't murder her. No. You murdered her family. You made it your mission to make this kid feel like a monster, but you're the monster. And do you know what we do to monsters, Lewis? Kill them with a pitchfork? That would be great, but as it is, we can only lock them up in jail, which is where you're going till you turn 18. What the hell are you talking about? I didn't do anything to this freak. Not true. These pictures prove that you committed sexual battery, which is good enough to put you away in juvie. What? You can't. You can't... you can't do that. I can. And, hey, have a miserable life. Hey, everybody, if you're talking to this phone, you must be somebody I love. If you love me back, leave me a lovely message. Bye. Oh, oh, oh. I just had another flash of what I modestly call "genius." He has. What better, what safer, what more trustworthy cop to accompany our young students of "Romeo and Juliet" to the movies than you? Tonight? - Mm-hmm. - They're showing "Shakespeare In Love" at Hollywood Forever. Blankets, picnic, mistaken identities, romance, role reversals, outrageous fortune. The kids really want to go, but they can't without you. What say you, madam? Kris? My parents are okay as long as I'm home by 11:00. Easy-peasy. I can transport our young Juliet home, and you can return Romeo here to his own balcony. It sounds like a lot of fun. Doesn't it? Okay. Everyone wants to go. Let's go. All right, whoa! Tallyho. Let's go. Hey, it's just like old times, eh? Yeah, really, really old times. Elizabethan, I think. Tell me something... was this your idea or Rusty's? Oh, we're in it together, and at our core, we're really all alike. Right? We should hurry. The Cemetery fills up early. "Man is created from anxiety." Euripides Cemal. Cemal, I'm heading off to Hasan's. I got things to do. You open up the shop. The tap near the door is leaking. Get a gasket from Coskun's store on your way and tighten that up, will you? God forbid, it will go off one night and we'll find the shop flooded in the morning. If you can't do it, call Huseyin. Get him to do it, okay? Huseyin owes us 20 liras; he came in three times and didn't pay once. Two shaves and a haircut. If he asks you for money, tell him to settle with me. OK, son? Did you hear what I said? Cemal? The gasket... I'm off. Don't forget your keys, okay? CiCEK BARBER SHOP YAKUP CiCEK AND SON Cemal... Cemal... Cemal? Do you have change for 50 liras? - Come again? - Do you have change for 50 liras? - Probably, let me see. What? Bro... - Will two twenties and one ten do? What the...? ! So, Cemal... Do you hear me? You take your pills and get your head together, okay? We'll get over this together. We'll get over it by talking. Trust me, we'll get over this together. How come you don't know? You know Cakir's coffeehouse near the old bus terminal in Soma? This Sissy Sevket has bought that place and settled in. He's supposed to be a former referee or football player or something. He lives in Salihli but has connections here in Akhisar and in Sindirgi. He and his people have the control of the amateur football games. They say there's a shitload of money in it. Now they got a hold of the boys, the football players. They get them to fix the games. You score two goals, the other concedes. And this Sissy Sevket gets the money. They even printed fake coupons and stuff. But this Sissy Sevket is trouble. They say he takes down whoever he comes across. He knows nobody here; comes from around İzmit or whatever. You know, they say the guys from there are ruthless. One time a player said he won't do it and they broke one of his legs. Cemal, I haven't found a way in. I can't get into the game. They don't just let anyone in. They say you need a connection. If you know someone inside, maybe we can arrange something, eh? Why don't you shoot? Look, they're flying away! Look! See how it flew away? If you weren't going to hunt, why did you come with me then? I don't feel like it. I feel bad for the animals. They're just trying to survive. It's just prey. You think it wouldn't shoot at you if it had a gun? Look,look! THOU GILD'ST THE EVEN Cemal. You haven't fired this at all. You haven't fired at all. Why do you go hunting then? Even still, why don't you clean the gun up once you're back? You shouldn't leave it like this. Cemal... Who am I talking to? You've knocked it all down! Cemal! - What is it dad, what? You keep going hunting without using a single shell. What are you looking for like crazy? What is it? Mom had a necklace, a locket with a photo in it. I'm looking for that, but can't find it. Not there either? You're now obsessed with the locket? How nice! Two days we've been looking for it. - Is Nazim not here? - No. He'll be back soon. What is it? What is it, Cemal? What's up with you? There was a necklace, a locket with a picture in it. Yes! Your mom's locket, right? Its snap was broken and you brought it to me. It's been a while. That's the one! Did I get it back? Of course you did, a long time ago. - It's lost now. - I sent it to you with your father. So how are you? How are your arms? My arms? My arms are fine. So have you started with the games? Yes? Yes, dad? No, the game is over. Games don't last this late. I visited mom and the kids. I thought I'd clean the graves. It is such a mess, dad. No, I won't be back today. I have an appointment with Mr. Dundar today. I'm killing time around the vineyard house. How was it not today? How come? It must be today. Cemal, what's up? What's that in your ear, spy gear? - You hear through this, speak into here. You don't take the phone to your ear, you don't have to hold it like this. And when the phone rings, it answers automatically. What's wrong with holding the phone? Mr. Dundar's car isn't around. When will he be here? - He won't come today. - He won't? Today is Sunday. He doesn't come on Sundays. Come back tomorrow at about 4 o'clock. Okay? Don't come any earlier. - Dad? - Yeah? - What are you're doing here? - Come here. Come, look. Look. It's your report card from primary school. Fifth grade. Excellent, excellent, excellent... Look what your teacher Vildan wrote here... "I'm sure that Cemal, who graduated from primary school as the first of his class, will sustain his success all the way to university. May his path be clear. Vildan" See? She was such a nice woman. Cemal, she's still alive, you know? - Is she? - She is. They say they saw her at the market. - Where did you find this? - You kept insisting about that locket. I was looking for it. Because you said so. Look here, look. You see this? Solid as stone! Those were the days. Put it on, come on. Cemal... Will you pick one? I feel dizzy. This one's fine. It's hot; why don't you take that jacket off? You'll get hot. Cemal... Do the graves look bad? - Why do you never visit the grave? Don't you miss mom at all? The kids... Don't you miss them? I can't take it, Cemal. I can't. One day you'll be down under, too. How will you take it then? I'll go to the mosque in the morning. I'd better turn in. You turn that TV off. Behind the insurmountable power of lions lies their capacity for idleness. Each lion rests for about twenty hours a day. But during the mating season, for three or four days, they move every 25 minutes through day and night without eating. Lions start mating at the age of two, but they reach full maturity at the age of five. Before and during copulation, the male roars continuously. I am naked. So is my father. We had an old house. It burned down. We're just standing in front of that house. Inside is my mom and my brothers and sisters. They keep staring. We keep standing and all of a sudden the house goes up in flames. When the flames spread around the entire house, I want to go and rescue them. Dad holds me by the arm and pulls me towards him so that I don't go. Then he begins to kiss me. When dad begins to kiss me, I kiss him, too. We're both naked, you see? - Then? - Then... I woke up. I'll release these three months later. They're the fifth lot. About three hundred grouses. I came here on exile. It wasn't a regular assignment. There was this medical secretary, a bastard; drove me away over a drug stamp worth five liras. The locals are into hunting. And there's a new hunting law now. Made a deal with Suleyman from the association. He took care of the permits and everything. Fifty-fifty. A bird costs me 12 or 13 liras, until its release. A hunter gives me thirty eight. Twenty six liras isn't bad. I don't know much about hunting. Are you into hunting? Sometimes, a wheel spins in my head. But it's me, spinning that wheel. How can I put it? I imagine a wheel and then I start spinning it. But later, I can't stop it. I open my eyes, for the wheel to stop. The wheel doesn't stop, it spins. Then I close my eyes again. It keeps spinning. Nazim, you've got all the strange sayings, boy. What was that one? You were saying something about love. - "No love, no game." - Right; "No love, no game." Are the girls like that nowadays? Do they look for love? You get the girl's number somewhere, you check her out a little. If she turns out to be an easy one, you text her saying I love you, do you love me etc. She immediately relaxes, spreads her legs and you do the screwing. Fuck love! What an animal! Come on, you play your game. He goes around horny as a dog all the time and wonders why. Who's horny, me? Let's go to İzmir in the weekend and I'll show you. Chicks are all over me. - Bro, where in İzmir is this? Nursing home? Stop talking shit and pissing me off. Cemal, what the fuck are these guys saying? Come over here. What are you looking at? Hey, I'm talking to you, come over here. Come here, bro. Come. What were you looking at? Cemal, you need to help me. Tip me off. I'm following up with this amateur league. I need to be prepared to seize the opportunity, if they let me in. They are playing dirty. I told you about Sissy Sevket's wager gig. You gotta tip me off. Don't you have some referee friends or something? - You shot the bird that time. - What bird? - The time we went hunting. - Right, the grouse hunt. - You shot it there. - Yeah, I shot it. That bird existed. Now it doesn't. - Yeah, I sold it to Nejat. It's no longer here. Nor is my mother. Nor my brothers and sisters. They all existed before. Now they don't. No, they don't. We're here. You exist. These exist, too. We're lingering in here, you know... What if we never existed what would have happened then? - What do you mean? - If you had never existed, never had come to this world, All these things then... You wouldn't have known any of this. Yes? - What would've happened then? - What do you mean? What would've happened to what? What if we had never existed? What...? What would happen? Cemal, are you in love or what? Where do you come up with these? SHAKESPEARE THOU GILD'ST THE EVEN Hi. Are you into poetry? No, I'm not coming today. Well I've told you. I already told you that I wasn't coming. Mr. Dundar is available at 13:30. In the morning, I went to see the doctor. How the hell could I know why you didn't hear it! I don't know; why? I told you I'd see the doctor in the morning... Yes sir. The animals are ready. I notified the distribution service. No. Right, okay. No, Mr. Dundar isn't here. That's for later, then. Right, I'll tell him. Have a nice day. Welcome Cemal, how are you? I'm fine, Cigdem. It's the usual; keep cutting hair. And you? - I'm fine. Work and stuff. You look good. The weather is hot like hell. So, how is the business? People keep eating sheep, eh? - They sure do. - How is Mr. Dundar? He's fine too? - Fine. He's alright, all fine. How are the games going? - Fine. It's going well. We have a flag and keep waving it. - Isn't it hard? - Waving it? - Yeah. No, when needed, I take it out and I draw the flag just like that! I have no mercy in such situations. Cigdem! Cigdem, look here. Cemal, you came today? Wasn't it Monday? - Today is Monday, Mr. Dundar. - You don't say! Well, I'm too busy today. - So I'll come back later. Yes, you come back later. Alright then. Come in here. Why don't you come when I call? - But we had a visitor. - Was there? - Stop now. Easy. Please, not here... Stop moving. Stop! God! Oh my! - I didn't see you. Sorry. - No, it's fine. - I'm sorry, I didn't see you. - No, it's really no problem. Sorry. I didn't see you. At least let me pay for it. - No, really, no problem. What is it? What do you want? Shall we drink soda in the youth park together? We can eat sandwiches too if you like. You won't be late. I'm Cemal. - And my name is Yasemin. - I know, I learnt it. You were wiping a man's ass, who was that? - My uncle. - Your uncle? Yeah, my aunt's husband. She used to look after me. She died. And there was one boy, about 18 or 19 years old? You mean Cengiz, my Aunt's son. You three live together? My mother died when I was a child. My father was in prison; he died too. - My mom and siblings burned to death. - Yes, I know; I heard of it. - Really? How do you know? - Well, it's a small town. And I grew up here. - I wonder why I didn't see you before. - I left after primary school. - Where did you go? I went to Istanbul. It's only last year that I came back. - Who is there? - I'll go back. They gave me these pills. I tried to kill myself last week. I cut my wrists. We have a barber's shop. I work as a barber there. I used the razor to cut my wrists. They rescued me. And the doctor gave me these pills. I'll take them, but... Would you like some, too? Okay. Is it good? I don't know. I'm not feeling anything yet. - They're too big, hard to swallow. - You can swallow. I've never taken these pills before. How do you take them, at what time, how many? Do you chew them? I have no idea. - Hard to swallow when you take too many. - Such big pills. Are you feeling something as well? - I feel like laughing. - Really? Same here. It's like I'm getting tickled from the inside. Forgive me, God... I can't help but laugh as I look at you. I look at you and laugh... God, forgive me. - That's the primary school went to. - It's mine too. - How old are you? - 27. You? -22. - Have you ever flown before? - Yes, once. I went to Istanbul on a plane. - How did you get back? - By train. - I think trains are nicer. I think the train takes too long. I like planes. How about me? - What? - Do you like me? I'll like you if you want. I think I want it. - Does your stomach feel funny, too? - Yes, but out of excitement. - Could it be the pills? - The pills? Are you afraid? - A little. - Don't, we're puking the pills out. - I noticed that much. So, will you marry me? - What? - I say, will you marry me. Let's get married; look at us, we are a mess already. If we get married, maybe something will happen. Wonderful, wonderful... Look how handsome I look. May you have a long lasting marriage. Thank God for this blessed day. So it's time for kids now, eh Cemal? - It will be, Mr. Dundar. But it has barely been two weeks yet. - Don't say so. Sooner the better. Don't wait too long. Cigdem! You've got to strike while the iron is hot. No use in waiting. Kids are good. Kids are very good indeed. Cigdem! - Yes, Mr. Dundar. - Here, take these. Cemal brought for me. Get them framed and hang on the bar. After all, I'm like a father to both of them. Right, Cemal? They are nice. Okay. Father. Thanks, dear. Cemal... Cemal... Apple? - Eat, son. Apples are good, eat. Elif, my friend from the factory, is getting married tomorrow night. The wedding is at the Gar Wedding Hall. Shall we go? Of course, do go. One should attend such things. Yasemin, listen. Look at the bride, you see her? - What's with her? - Didn't you see her veil? They spent a lot of money. They didn't rent, they bought it. - Bought it? - Yeah. Come on, let's hit the dance floor and kick up our heels. - Cemal, shall I go? Dance? - Don't mind him. Look at the bride. Why are you so early, Cemal? What the hell were you doing at the photographer's store? I had left this for repair. It's your mother's. Your father had given it to me. He said, Cemal was looking for this for some time. He found it somewhere. I had it cleaned up at the jewelry store. The meal will be ready in half an hour. How come you beat a woman? Are you a beast or what? Are you taking your pills? Guess not! What kind of men are you? You're all assholes! What kind of town is this? What sort of men are you people? In this fucking town you've all turned into assholes. This fucking place. Assholes, that's what you are! You're all dicks in this fucking town! What are you looking at? It's spinning, right? It keeps spinning; it won't stop. Fucking thing...! There! - It was a goal! - What offside? ! Go to your place... To your place; now! They are getting out of control, Sagdic. This is ridiculous! In the Sindirgi game, they tried to beat Ertugrul. - Ertugrul wouldn't let them. - I swear, the striker was about to shove the flag up his ass. We barely got him off his hands. That's the the treatment they deserve, these players. Fuckers! The guy has already waved the flag. What can he do; revoke his decision? Right, Cemal? You've drawn the flag already. It's not like you'll put it down for fear of those faggots, are you? What happened to you there? Turn around. Come here, here. Cemal has no fear of players. They think, because he is young... But that's not how it works. I swear, the flag looks good on you, bro. Of course it does. First of all, he holds it like a real man. He doesn't referee like a girl. Did it hurt? It'll be fine now. Just don't move for a moment! Hold still! Cemal, you should consider my offer. I'm telling you, you'll be a king. You won't get stomped on like this and we'll be on your side. Work with Sissy Sevket, and you live the life. Rather than being bullied by a bunch of inglorious players... You listen to me, you become the master. Don't get me into that stuff. You go ahead. I have enough troubles. How is that? Better? Teacher? Cemal? What a great surprise. Mr. Ali, this is Cemal; one of my first graduates. He was a great student. He was even qualified for the Bornova Anatolian High after primary school. But for some reason, the rascal didn't go on to study. - That's life, Ms. Vildan. - Right. He became a barber then. Is that so? - Yes. Come on, let me offer you some tea. I have a free hour anyway. I am suspicious about my wife. I couldn't tell my father. The man has lost half his mind already. You can't tell friends about such. I didn't know what to do, so I came to you. - So, what made you suspicious? - You know Mr. Dundar he sells livestock. - Yes, but what have you seen? - I didn't see her, but... There's this girl who works for Mr. Dundar, his secretary. One day he was feeling her up... - So? My wife has the same necklace as that secretary girl. - So? - She doesn't get paid enough to buy such a thing. - So? - I beat her. - Who? - I beat my wife. - Well done! Son, how come you beat your wife of three weeks? And now you've come here to tell me about it. This is horrible. I beat her a lot too; poor woman. She just took it silently. Cemal... Do you love your wife? - You haven't changed at all. - I haven't? It's been 20 years. Of course I've changed. Anyways... Tell me, do you love your wife? I do. I love her very much. What I mean is... I had no such thing in mind. Why would a woman marry a man she doesn't know? One gets all sorts of ideas. - Those are heavy accusations. You can't go around blaming people with no evidence like that. I'm unwell. I'm not fine. I'm all stiff inside. Okay. Now, you should first go and soften up your heart. Then give your wife a present. I don't know; take her out to a dinner. Make it up to her, and don't go talking such nonsense. Tell her nice things. Say nice things? SHAKESPEARE THOU GILD'ST THE EVEN - Is this a good book? - It depends on you. - What? - Do you like poetry? Is it good? Are there nice sayings in it? - Those are Shakespeare's sonnets. - Yeah. - Give me that. What will you do with it? - Well, it's a private thing. Yes, they usually are. What is yours; why do you want it? To apologize. Kind of like a present. Anyway, have a nice day. - Hey, just a moment. To whom will you apologize? - My wife. Okay, this is good. This will do. He jests at scars that never felt a wound. The envious moon, sick and pale with grief, Thou art far more fair than she... You know, I hit you the other day. I want to apologize, but a simple apology wouldn't do. So I will read you a poem. - What? Read a poem? - Yeah. Read a poem. He jests at scars that never felt a wound. The envious moon, sick and pale with grief, Thou art far more fair than she... I bought some tripe. We'll make fresh "mumbar" in the morning... What the heck are you doing here? Will you excuse us for one moment, dad? Please. He jests at scars that never felt a wound. The envious moon, sick and pale with grief, Thou art far more fair than she; First of the fairest stars in all of heaven, Thou! Thou gild'st the even. You are so beautiful, Yasemin, that I can't take my eyes off you. Does the poem have "Yasemin" in it as well? Yes. You have nothing to be feared. Actually, you have something to be happy about. You are three months pregnant. Haven't you thought it would come out? I was using a pill. I was supposed to miscarry. And you didn't? I thought you were a good man, Cemal. I trusted you. I trusted nobody in this life, but... I don't know. I just trusted you. You know the day you gave me those pills, we flew... You and I, flew, Cemal. So, I thought you'd understand me, help me. I know it is very hard, but this is a good man, I said to myself. Of all the people only Cemal, would help me, I thought. I suffered a lot in this life. I thought, maybe this time I'd see the light of day. I said to myself, Cemal will understand you, forgive you. Help you. Will you, Cemal? Hey, spy... I see you're getting ahead. What is it with the gun? But your dad was a hunter, wasn't he? Why do you shoot the animals? Isn't that a pity? They have lives, too. They're just trying to live. - For once, fuck off... What? Yes, Numan? Which pipe? The one at the back? Okay. Alright, I'm coming. Hey man, you're late. Give me a cigarette. Everyone has their own troubles in this life, Cemal. And this is mine. Fuck that, I can't die. You think this is a good thing, don't you? That's what they all think. But ask me. You know the worst thing about it? You have no fear of anybody, anything. You lose the sense of shame. Right and wrong, and everything gets all confused. If you knew what these fuckers believed in a hundred years ago, you'd have a good laugh. I do. I'll know what they will believe in a hundred years, too. I know every single thing, Cemal. Knowing everything is the same as knowing nothing. You feel all dead and empty. That's why you shouldn't dig too deep into things. There is no way a mere mortal can solve the problems of this world. Now tell me, what made you so upset? - Yasemin... - Yasemin? I swear I have nothing to do with her, Cemal. Granted, Yasemin is a beautiful gal. And I'd be lying if I told you I never had any thoughts about her. I did think of fucking Yasemin. It did cross my mind. I really wanted to, but I didn't have the time. I have nothing to do with it, Cemal. I didn't do it. I swear, I didn't. Everyone has the right to lie once in life, but I'm not lying to you now. But Yasemin is a good girl. Be fair to her, she's a very good girl. You couldn't get yourself forgiven? I guess the book didn't work for you. Take it back. Maybe it will work for someone else. I knew it. What? - That you'd come back. - How? Don't ask how. You'd come back, and we'd hang out. I knew that. Everyone knows. - Everyone knows? Everyone knows what? I'm so confused, I can't understand you. Don't worry, I'm saying good things. - What's happening? - You're falling in love. What? Come on, take me somewhere. I stay here with my grandmother. In fact I'm studying in İzmir. Literature and stuff. I got bored of it, ran out of money and so on. So I came back for a while. Whatever it means, to come back... I've been a boarding student since primary school. You were lucky that you get to know your mother. Mine died giving birth to me. And I faintly remember my father. He had cancer, colon cancer. In other words, he came to a sticky end. I fell in love with a boy in İzmir, he loved me too. Then I learned that he was married. His wife, her brothers and so on, things got really messed up in İzmir. So I just came back here. And here my grandmother is ill. I keep rushing her to doctors and hospitals and so on. In short, "On the road of sorrows for years, I'm neither the first, nor the last. Life is putting me down; I'm a child of sorrow." I don't like Orhan Gencebay. - This is not an Orhan Gencebay song. - I know, but I don't like him. He plans every little thing. I mean... Right, maybe he's the best "baglama" player in the country; or, he's great at changing four modes just in the intro of the song and so on. But why put the guitar into it? I think he doesn't behave as he feels. He doesn't seem sincere to me. But Ferdi is different. He seems more straightforward to me. He does as he feels, without planning. He doesn't get into things he doesn't know. He may know only three things, but he's the one who knows them the best. Orhan would tear himself up saying "I know too"; but Ferdi would just sing "I miss you too". What have you done, man? If you knew so much, why didn't you tell it all to your wife? - She wouldn't listen to me. And she already knows all of this. Everyone knows these. These are things we all know. Our problem is bigger. It's not something that a goddess or whatever can heal, as it turns out. Well, you don't like Gencebay, you don't like Shakespeare... We need something else. Something we never knew before. Your path is a hard one. This is the hand we are dealt. It's always the same. However you arrange the cards. No matter whose story you hear, it's the same words, same types, same boring plans. - So you say, you ain't no good to me, either. My God! He says "ain't"; so cute. "Ain't"! Are you pregnant? I think so. Why? What do you want from me? - What is your name? - Cemal. Cemal... I've never met a man who read his wife poems to apologize. Right? Isn't that enough by itself? Is it? MUNICIPALITY OF AKHiSAR Now, it is simple. We get you assigned to a game and tell you what to do. You either chalk a goal off as offside, or warn the referee for a penalty. Or you get a player to curse and the referee sends him off. You might ask why the referee does not do it himself. Because the referee has deals in other games. We use one person in each game. In this one, we'll use you, got it? Once the game begins, Samet will come and stand behind the wire fence, make eye contact with you, and tell you what to do. Well, it's only human nature, you may be on a bad day and not feel like doing it, right? So we pass it on to someone else on the field, and the next morning we gather for your funeral. Is that understood, too? Fine. You keep nodding like that, but this shit is serious, you know? You people panic once the game begins, mess things up and big men like club chairmen end up doing time, and we still deal with this mess. Do you get how serious this is now? - I'm aware of how serious it is. What do we get in return? Good. I like a man who cuts to the chase. Ten for the first job, twenty for the next; and then we'll negotiate. Keep in mind that you'll have more responsibilities each time. Today we have the Sindirgi game, at eleven. Get ready for that. Fine, I will. How about rather than paying me, we make another deal? My, my. It turns out you're a real man of the business. Tell me, what do you want? I want my wife. Find my wife. - Dead or alive? - I love my wife so much. So? Don't let her die... Cemal... Teacher? - Where have you been all day? - I don't know. Where is your wife? She went. She's gone. Is she gone? - You said you were very worried about your wife? - Where is she? She's going. She must be on the plane. Plane? Hello there. Cemal Cicek. I heard that you've done extremely strange things today. You violated the contract, didn't go to the game. Who told you that you could break the deal on your own? Nobody told me anything. It all happened as necessary. Fine... Is there anything I can do in this case? You don't give a fuck, right? Are you sure? - I'll find my wife. - First, pay your due... You got in the game, bro? Will you shoot me? Why the hell did you do that? - Look, we want you to understand us. Fine, you don't believe us, but at least understand us. It was you who broke the deal; not us. You didn't keep your end of the deal, but we will. A deal is a deal. You'll get your wife tonight. Dead, or alive... Do you think it's all so easy? ! I didn't wave that flag! I didn't! And you won't shoot my wife; do you hear me? Do you? Do you hear me, you bitch! Cemal? Why didn't you help me Cemal? I told you I was in trouble. Look what they did to me. You lied... Why did you lie? You said there was a boy. You said he was married. But you are pregnant by the doctor. This is really a small town... Yes, I lied to you. But everyone has the right to lie once in life, right Cemal? Let me tell you everything. Yasemin! I'm here. You're there, aren't you? Are you running away from me? Don't go, Yasemin. We'll get rid of all the troubles. I'm coming to you. We'll fly together again. I love you so much, Yasemin. I'm coming to you. Yasemin. I know I don't deserve you at all; but who deserves what? To whom does all of this belong to? All this land, trees, birds... Who is it all for? Whose is it all? Where among all these do we live? In the midst, on the edge, under, above? Where among them do we stand? I don't know any of this. I'm coming to you, Yasemin. I love you so, so much... I'm coming to you. You're there, aren't you? You're waiting for me, aren't you? THOU GILD'ST THE EVEN People near the coast should evacuate immediately, houses are collapsing Israel may bomb Iran. If I were Iran I would be trying to get nuclear weapons. America was the first nation ever, to use nuclear weapons. 600 people are now confirmed dead, they died because they listened to the Governor. Who will help us already? We can not do anything! Does the dollar get destroyed or is every currency going to get destroyed? A series of demonstrations against corporate greed Move! Keep moving please! Get out of the way! Civilians can be stopped on the street with very little actual suspicious cause Do we fear China or do we need China? Because the extra low frequency waves drill deep into your brain. The sun has a temper tantrum. But it doesn't end there, if there were an electromagnetic problem it could be the end of life as we know it. It is obvious why the world is so stressed and humanity suffers as it does. And humanity suffers so much. If you look at what's circled in the centre you can see a smiley face. Do we care? Do we have a moral compass anymore? I visualised Killing Joke before Killing Joke actually happened. There was a stage. An anonymous band emitting sounds of a primeval world; it was like a generator, and there was no applause, there was only dispersal, the musicians were like insects. LONDON I was standing in the dole queue about to sign on and there was this Indian guy in front of me, and he went"Hi, my name's Carlos." and I said "Oh, my name's Jaz, I've come to London to form a band? And he goes "I know, and I'm going to introduce you to the drummer who lives in my house." I was already playing with a band, I met Jaz and invited him to join the group. But we both took off just before a concert. Which I'll eternally feel bad about but you know; needs must when the devil pees in your kettle. The second I set eyes on Paul's face, we both knew that destiny had struck us, It was kind of... mutual repulsion. We sort of discussed, well how are we going to meet two other guys who not only have a revolutionary style of playing, but they also have a right side of brain capacity sufficiently developed to understand philosophy and broader ideas? Paul said ..."Magick". At that time I didn't know, that Paul knew anything about Magick. He had extensive knowledge about the ceremonial Magick, and the Rosicrucians, the system of the Golden Dawn. He had a very good understanding of the Kabbalah, the mystery traditions and the secret history of the world. By then, I had already studied Wicca and ceremonial Magick. When I discovered that he had followed the same path as me, "that was it" Our mutual interest in all things occult and spiritual made us think we could do something musically that channeled what we were exploring. On the 26th February, three o'clock, 1979 Paul and I performed the ritual of dedication to find the other two. We painted the floor black, and drew the circle and the Pentagram, aligning it with the cardinal points, as one should do We did a banishing ritual, stated our intentions, did an invocation ritual It was somewhat amateurish and basic stuff but, apparently, it apparently turned out to be quite powerful Unknowingly, we invoke the fire and er... the flat burnt down! The flat got burnt down because they got their navigational compass points wrong. They had not yet perfected their art at the time "Have you heard? They've burned your flat!" WANT TO BE PART OF THE KILLING JOKE BASS AND GUITARIST WANTED I'm not quite sure how they found Geordie. I think it was through A Melody Maker ad, and I was found through a Melody Maker ad. Geordie showed up. He had long, curly, ginger hair and a Northern attitude. This sort of, Teddy, yob, lout type character. You have to take into consideration what he said on the phone to us; "I've never played with a band but I'm the best in the world". And when I asked him "Well where have you been playing?" he went "In my bedroom at my Mum's place", It did not sound very good. When he plugged in, and he started playing, it was like fire from heaven... I knew it, I knew the sound, it was a complete sense of déjà vu, it was incredibly emotional, and I was so, so excited. He came over to my bedsit in Earl's Court and he said "You'll have to come up to Cheltenham where the singer lives, do an audition." Tempted him down there under the sort of premise of free food and lodging. So we ended up all up in Cheltenham at Jaz's Mum's place and Mr. C too, god rest his soul and booked the first rehearsal. Do you know I'd really love to know the date? You know it was just Jaz bashing around on this electric piano and he had this sort of beret, a feather, he was a bit of a hippy really. He denies this fervently, but he had a feather earring and I just thought that was really weird. The Youth in his swastika t-shirt and his fucking chain doing the full Sid routine. It was just sort of, "Oh, oh it's him"! I was the most really experienced in the real world, because I'd done tours with other bands and I'd done proper gigs and they'd never played outside their bloody youth club basically. I think he was trying to avoid something something or trying to find somewhere to live or something like that you know? And he was just there. We played a bit and Jaz and Paul commented: "Let's go to the pub and talk about this." I don't think they were very impressed. Youth couldn't play he fucking choked. "Come on, Jesus Christ, you've got to... "andwejust ended up fucking finding one note and fucking staying on it. And it went on for ages and got more and more intense Jaz and Paul walked in on it. We'd had enough to drink and it was like, "Well, shall we?" Perhaps the beer had worked it's magic but, it wasn't the same room that we'd left. Paul just went straight for the kit and started playing, and then Jaz just started playing and that became "Are You Receiving", our first single. I considered that point the birth of the band, that was it. When the chemistry comes together, when the planets collide, you know? It ain't a fucking set up this shit Shrewdly I think we spent almost a year rehearsing in Cheltenham before we unleashed ourselves. I think within seventeen gigs we were headlining at the Lyceum. Needless to say, these two great souls that manifested were Geordie and Youth.The Magick had worked. "Pssyche", this was a John Peel session, in November 1979. That was a few years ago! John Peel said: "This is a good band." He thought it was a professional band having him on He said: "I have never had a band as good as this." It was for "Turn To Red". Killing Joke are good. Good punk. Not commercial. A lot of bands nowadays have gone crap commercial. We'd come through all these punk bands who were really good to go and see live, but they couldn't play for fuck. Bands like Eater and... The Clash were around, but were just a pretend rock 'n' roll band dressed up as punks, and The Sex Pistols had almost disintegrated by then. But then Killing Joke, it wasn't just screaming and shouting and... They could actually really play. We like rhythm, you know... ? Rhythm, you understand? Because it makes me feel... Rhythm makes me feel like I'm a human being, like I'm an animal, you understand? I saw them for the first time in 1981, I was 16 years old... No other group has made me feel the same. It was like an electric shock going through me. When I actually saw them play it was incredible. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife it was really... And it was a real tribal thing, they were giving out to the audience, the audience were giving back... and it had this air of menace to it which you know, I love that in music: menace and danger. I know they're terms that are used a lot in music but believe me it was really there. Jaz would come on in full make-up and you didn't know whether to laugh or to be totally afraid because he kind of looked like the Devil but it was slightly perverse and a bit strange and almost silly. Nothing like that scares me I'm from Salford; who gives a fuck about the Devil? He wasn't comfortable being the singer, he didn't want to be, he wanted to be the keyboard player and we had arguments about it. I had a voice, but, playing the drums and being the singer, it looks really bad it was never going to go anywhere! So he is the reluctant frontman of the band. You have a sort of, very mixed image I think, certainly in the band, from your sort of Alvin Lee rocker type hairstyle to this Sid Vicious twisted hair, how does that arise? Well it's always been like this, we don't consider ourselves to be anything other than individuals. We have our own personal likes and dislikes, and out of this somehow we coalesce into something called Killing Joke. Paul never seemed to be thrashing away you know, he wasn't Keith Moon or... It was just quite controlled but, huge power. If he looked at me I thought he'd... hit me you know He had me on the edge of my pants, I had to keep up with him and, not make him look silly. He made me into a good player. You're certainly more on the, the art, sort of University circuit... No that's rubbish, there's nut-cases at our gigs, Why? They're the only sort of honest people, you know, they haven't got any pretense about them you know? I just thought, this is what music should be, it's just like being hit in the face by a train. When I joined I was the one who wasn't really into the occult and the Magick I was a really arrogant, conceited, young punk, who thought he knew everything? And suddenly I was totally flung into this hermetic, occult, mystical world of possibilities and realities, of which I'd never been aware of before and I did blow a few fuses. When they first came in they were a cocky bunch of guys, really. They'd come in as a pack and then after a while I found out that they were this band called Killing Joke, which meant nothing to me at the time. I heard a bit of their music and it fitted. Looking at the times that I grew up, the hippy dream had started to get a bit nasty, people started dropping acid, went to various gurus and Eastern philosophy and everything; It was all starting to eat itself, with the Manson stuff... And I think that's sort of culturally when people started looking at mysticism, and perhaps Aleister Crowley and all that sort of thing, for their, you know, new experience of the enlightenment that hippiedom had promised them. Prepare to enter a world stranger than you have ever imagined: The world of witchcraft, Magick and ritual. It was very much a time for throwing away the rules, you were considered terribly staid and unnecessarily stupid if you did it the way round that people have been doing it for a hundred years, four hundred years, whatever. And so you just launched yourself into whatever particular ritual you wanted to do at the time, and you were prepared to take the consequences because all men think that they're going to live fast and die young and what the hell. We call to the Earth. We call to the sky. Mother father. We were shamanistic, generally speaking, and devotional, which was Geordie and myself predominantly. We would celebrate the moons to get, our actions aligned with the seasons of mother nature. Paul was actually the ceremonial one. I grew up listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. What you going to do, what's that all about? There's no doubt about the fact that your overall beliefs, no matter what they are, are going to underlie what you're doing. I do not know collectively, but as far as Jaz goes I know that mysticism played a very important role to him. Within the music, he's either playing with Magick or Magick's playing with him. What was apparent about him was that he was a doer, he's an experimenter, he doesn't just accept what he's told. We used to take the car and go to the Rollright Stones in Oxford. Sometimes at very important dates, you know, like Solstice. I was even starting to be scared to be perhaps sacrificed, and I was keeping a very low profile, disappearing into the forest or something! And let them do their ritual in the middle of the circle. We would use drum and mantra. I would take my ocarinas and I would move in a clockwise direction in a spiral dance around the stone circle We became adept at raising energy at these grid points, we became really, really good, we could activate these grid points There was so much symbolism and so many things I thought: oh my God, perhaps I'm going to die! And of course this technique was sort of employed within raising the energy live on stage. And eventually the two became one, the gigs became ...ceremonies. And then we did it on a grid point, by accident, and time was transcended. Reading Hexagon. Mad fucking gig, and suddenly... about five songs in... it's gone silent, totally fucking silent. You just heard this, "khhhhhhhh". And before this it was just screaming madness. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. And I'd be looking at Geordie Everything was slowing down. I'm playing the fucking guitar... What the fuck? I can't hear anything. And I'm witnessing this body playing, I'm getting scared, so I look over to Jaz, and he's on the keyboard, and he's doing exactly the same; "what the fuck's going on?" I had no idea what was going on. Total silence. Total. Fucking. Silence I'd look at the audience and they're all like, "Woah? What's going on?" It became an out of body experience. We're very fucking clever aren't we? We did this man, we fucking got it to this stage: God walks through the fucking room. And then suddenly; Whoosh BANG! Back into super-reality of the place going insane. Could have been thirty seconds, could have been forty seconds, but it was paradise for fucking forty seconds It was the most incredible experience and we experienced it collectively... and everybody shit themselves. The other thing in the early days with Killing Joke was the... the actual Killing Joke as a unit. The minute the four of them got together, it was a complete personality change. This wasn't Paul Ferguson, this wasn't Jaz Coleman, this was Killing Joke, and that's when the aggro over the artwork would start. It was just chalk and cheese, they'd want something I'd want something else, and I'd do something and we'd fight and whoever got the last word... I mean I totally fucked up the sleeve to 'What's THIS For... ! ' on purpose. Paul Ferguson said "Oh we want that for the album, that's going to be brilliant." I said "Well I haven't finished doing what I was doing with it." I just got really angry, and threw some films together and said you go on and fucking print that then you bastards. WHAT'S THIS FOR... ! ISTHEWALKING,TALKING, INCARNATION OF EVIL Sounds gave it five stars for music, and one star for morals! And I've never seen that before or since. The guy was freaked out, and he felt obliged to put a warning in, that it could corrode you spiritually! Killing Joke is best explained in your emotions; in the eyes, in the mouth, in the emotions you see? See, we try to be human beings in Killing Joke that's all. Killing Joke were not a polite band, they really don't say things just to please you I mean... They were really raw. Hammersmith Palais, February 23, 1982. A French television team was there so it was really organised. I'd been doing the interview before, I was trying to talk about occultism, but Jaz said: "I do not know what you mean." They had these huge studio TV cameras in the middle of the dance floor, and the whole thing collapsed with the weight of the fans. I remember being terrified because I was down the front, and I remember just bodies falling and bodies flying around me, the bouncers trying to pull people out and shouting "Stop playing! Stop playing!" And I remember Jaz looking at this chaos at the front and just went "Wardance!" and then they went straight into 'Wardance'! And it was just like a scene from Dante's Inferno down the front and they weren't going to stop playing! I think he was really pleased to be filmed that day. It was going to be shown on French television on a Saturday, so twenty million people are going to see Killing Joke. Western civilisation, I give it, twenty months and it'll be gone, all gone; bang! SINGER VANISHES SINGER (? ), KEYBOARD WIZARD, AND ALL ROUND POISON DWARF JAZ HAS GONE AWOL... PRESUMED DISTURBED. Jaz had a Wobbler, he basically thought that the end was nigh. He went on one of his birthdays I even made him a cake and he disappeared. JAZ VANISHES We were standing outside a television studio, we were supposed to go on and this sort of letter showed up, you know, saying "599 Ya!" "Where is Jaz Coleman?" And they phoned me up and I wouldn't tell them. JAZ... IS ALIVE... AND WELL... LIVING IN ICELAND Punk star goes nuts runs off to Iceland; great story. We learned that he had fled to Iceland. And did anyone give a fuck...? No. I fled myself a couple of times, never made it to Iceland but I made it to the Isle of Wight once, realised what a shithole it was and came home. JAZ SPEAKS: "Fuck You!" JAZ IS STILL REFUSING TO EXPLAIN WHY HE LEFT THE BAND IN THE LURCH HIS RESPONSE WAS A CURT "FUCK OFF" And that was when I left the band, or when the band left me! Because first 3217. went, and then Geordie I was sitting in my flat, and I felt something behind me. But I didn't turn round, I deliberately ignored it. That thing that I felt was actually Geordie leaving, It was Geordie out the front door, because we lived together. Silently and stealthily, like a snake, They took off without leaving me a note. And with Jaz I was particularly upset because I had to read about it in the bloody NME. I'd known these guys four or five years, gone through some serious rights of passage with them and they can't even give me the time of day. Well I don't know what happened in Iceland because I had to go out and work in the Middle East, I was skint because I didn't get any money out of Killing Joke or Malicious Damage! I'm not sure that it went very well for them over there. ICELAND Jaz told me that he had read and article about what would be the safest place in the world if there was a nuclear war and in that article it said the north east of Iceland. Another thing was that he was the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley. I think he was the third or the fourth one that I've met. There is a sentence in the Book of the Law which says "Choose ye an island and fortify it!" and things like that. "Island" is written the same way that we write "Iceland" in Icelandic, that was also a connecting point, I think he sincerely believed that. The thing about the Book of the Law is that Crowley channelled it in 1904 and he spent the rest of his life trying to decode it. Because of its complexity, it is open to interpretation. I mean at one time I had a moated site in Sussex and I thought that was the island! It's your application to your, you know, your Magickal destiny. I found many references, Prophetic references, describing a better way of life, an island that survives the great upheaval. The interesting thing was; all the references I discovered, were nearly all by Rosicrucian authors. At the centre of the Golden Dawn system of Magick lies the invocation of the holy guardian angel; an ecstatic mystical process that fascinated the chiefs and leading members of the Golden Dawn. Individuation, in Jungian terms, is about tapping into the unconscious. Each of us has a dark double, an adversary that we must face. And until we know this double we do not know ourselves. So I decided to go through this process. Apart from Geordie, no one was really aware of my intentions, I couldn't honestly imagine sitting down with the band and management explaining why I wanted to study a range of different subjects, from Nordic mythology to the study of radiations that emanate from certain holy sites, let alone the location of my holy guardian angel. So, I made plans in secret and left for Iceland, and then, I began the process of individuation at Snaefellsjökull Glacier. This is special! There are many people who believe that there is some special power in the glacier... I believe that also, there's some power up there I can feel it myself. It's an energy spot. The energy is intense, is not good or bad, is pure energy. It amplifies whatever is there so if you're an evil person you'll be a more evil person if your standing there and if you're good, you'll be even better. I remember we went to the glacier. It was the right night, the right moon... We were walking for two or three hours, when we get up to the snow... It suddenly got warmer and misty-er, it was like we were welcomed you know, the mountain was in control. They were very happy to be there, and they started dancing... Jaz was not walking anymore and it was beyond fucking doubt he was levitating, he was about two foot off the ground, quite fucking surreal. It is a strange place. The elements change, the vibrations change, your physical body disappears or appears. The energy of that fucking place was. .. I wouldn't say intense it was just fucking freedom, absolute fucking freedom. There was a rumour from Iceland that they were messing around with a weird sound machine that vibrated... Brian reckons that they rang him up and tried to do something to him over the phone once. The theory of the walls of Jericho. And you can actually do deep enough sound sound and it will shake walls and bring down buildings but you know, that's just fucking weird rumours. I took part in something called Oracle Project. A certain number of geomancers who got together. Experiments were conducted on human behaviour by means of resonance, this was done with a gentleman called Gutti Ottarsson, open-minded inventor, who also happened to be a musician. Jaz joins forces with the Icelandic band 'Theyr' Theyr and Jaz are planning to work on a concept called (you guessed it) "Iceland" The Band Iceland-Niceland, Jaz Coleman and Theyr it was a very intense, small group of people. We wanted our music to break through your defense mechanism; we went to great lengths to encode messages into the structure of our music in very subtle ways. One element that was very dominant in the music of Theyr and Killing Joke was the strange intervals we used. We were not using minors or majors, we were doing diabolic intervals, very dissonant, but if you put all the dissonance and the demons together, they turn into angels. Very simple, but it breaks all the rules; that was Jaz Coleman. Break all the rules, collect all the demons from music, throughout five thousand years and put them together in one song. Gutti was interested in developing a prototype to create mood changes within the perimeter of a concert, however my interests lied firmly in researching the Earth's pulse rate of 7.83Hz which I considered would be more prevalent in sacred sites. I could see a correlation between healing in such areas by gradually adjusting the Earth's pulse rate by chant, mantra, in order to accomplish quantum healing. And so, I embarked upon a series of experiments with two of my colleagues at the Oracle Project. Sarah Parkinson... was a student of the occult, and I met her in Cheltenham when I was eighteen. And then there was Vivan Ottisdottir, Gutti's sister. I see the Earth rising a second time, out of the foam, fair and green. Down from the fells, fish to capture, wings to eagle, waters flow. We repeated these four lines over and over again, until we entered another dimension. We called it "Universe B". I see the Earth rising a second time, out of the foam, fair and green. Down from the fells, fish to capture, wings to eagle, waters flow. The experiences were of such intensity that past and future seemed to be transcended; we would not actually be in our own bodies. There were many strange incidences during this series of experiments, one of which was when Vivan was struck by lightning. We were in the kitchen, the window was wide open and I just witnessed this huge lightning and this screaming from Vivan, hysterical screaming. I turned back to Vivan and Jaz and shejust... Yes, she was freaked out. He showed me her hand and it was all swollen and red, Yes. No... How can someone survive from being hit by lightning? My sister got struck by lightning two times in Jaz Coleman's company. The second time was more dramatic. Lightning striking all over the place, thunder and rain, Magick was in the air, Aleister Crowley and books everybody was crazy. She was soaking wet, standing out on the balcony confronting Jaz Coleman on personal matters. She was so lucky, she was protected, she was soaking wet ...so the millions of volts of energy just slid around her wet, ...smooth body, to the ground. She was unharmed, not even knocked out So our dear Mr Coleman really recognized my sister as a divine being. Iceland was a series of experiments, a period of such exquisite beauty that I've spent the last twenty seven years trying to access the dimensions that I visited. It's an emotive subject, not least for the fact that Sarah and Vivan are both dead. I did meet Sarah and Vivan later on and I noticed a curious parallel. After meeting Vivan in Geneva she confided in me that the rituals we performed were one of the most beautiful experiences of her life. And Sarah, she admitted much the same. I was left with the feeling that both Sarah and Vivan, had little interest in the mundane concerns of the world around them shortly before their respective deaths. It was almost as if they personified a profound nostalgia for a vaguely sensed lost paradise, both possessing the single urge; to abandon their earthly existence for their true home. Time to sit back once again and enjoy the sounds of Killing Joke By the time Iceland came along I'd had a breakdown because I'd been taking quite a lot of LSD. I started to get very paranoid, see conspiracies everywhere, and I even broke into the Grand Lodge of the Masons of the Masons in Covent Garden We went through a few weeks of trying to find a replacement, it was just pointless, you know, I mean... And how... ? For what purpose? SO WHAT? TWO FUCKING BASTARDS LEFT! FUCK OFF! I do remember they were on Top of the Pops, well, he wasn't on Top of the Pops, it was a man with a motorbike helmet on playing the keyboards. I was going to say because they did that when Jaz was just like this dummy, as in it wasn't a person it was just a dummy. Yes Well I wasn't even that pissed off, I mean to be honest, I was sad, because Jaz had had a few other kamikaze moves on the band, Just when the band was going to fucking break Jaz would do something to make sure it wouldn't happen. You know, one minute you're riding the crest of the wave and the next minute, you know, your boat's sunk. Everything was open for them, when Jaz disappeared they have to cancel so many important events, the business never forgave that. TRUST KILLING JOKE TO MAKE AN IGNOBLE FUSS OVER LOST PERSONNEL. Think they were under a lot of pressure from the record company to start touring because the record had recently been out out and it was very important for them to start catching up. REVELATIONS? TOO TRUE! AND THAT'S JUST THE START. ARROGANCE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE ANGER IT'S THE SOUND OF AN ANNIHILATING EFFICIENCY WITH A SHEEN OF GRATUITOUS NOISE MAKING. I got this phone call from a friend who was in contact with Jaz and Geordie and asked me if I was willing to meet them, in a week I was in London. They lacked a drummer, they called Paul Ferguson and asked him to come This must have been six months after they left or something in the meantime I'd lost... everything And trying to get this project, called Brilliant going with Youth, and I just got a telephone call saying "Would you consider, you know, coming back. I went out there and felt... felt like, a bit of an outsider in a way, I felt that we hadn't really done what we'd set out to do. They told me that Paul was willing to join the band but he would decide which bass player he would play with. Told Youth,"I'm not doing this Brilliant thing with you anymore, I'm going off to Wales" And it was Raven. I didn't speak to Youth again for quite a few years. BRILLIANT. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR... I just took the flight back to Iceland. ...people watching tonight may not have heard of, never mind seen, the next band. That hasn't stopped them building up a fanatical following and notching up four chart albums, here's a chance to find out what you've been missing, here we have Killing Joke! This is called "Frenzy". When I met Raven was with a girl from my home town. He said, "This is Paul, wants to play in Killing Joke". I looked at him and thought, "Well, Youth has gone mad so, there might be a chance there! And this kid Raven showed up, I didn't know who he was, or where he came from, he was young, energetic, really really into doing it and, he had an attitude. Raven was party central, but he was also a very down to earth guy, he fitted in perfectly I think. Paul brought a different dynamic to the bass in the band... he defined himself outside of Youth. There was that point where he was doing all those curling baselines and I think Paul gave him the space to do that because he always knew that Paul would be rock solid behind him. After our trip to Iceland, where I began the process of individuation process I made contact with Hilmarsson. Hilmarsson gave me a strange object, that was carved out of ash. On one side it had a snowflake design, on the reverse side was my rune. I started having the habit of putting this object underneath my pillow and I had three incredibly vivid dreams that would point me in the direction of a certain place at a certain time The first of these, a voice was saying to me, "The Islands of the North Atlantic"; "Johan And so, in January of '82 I set off for Iona That's where the first transmission occurred. The pendulum gave me the indication that there was a mass of energy at this place called Duni, which is the highest point on Iona. I fasted for three days, I went up to the top of this mountain and then I got myself into my usual state of trance. I recited mantras and played the drum, until I heard a quiet voice that told me to stop it was at that point that the transmission began. The word "lcha", and then it continued, "Ichabod"; the veins are in the body of the gods. When I checked the Kabbalistic reference it gave "Eve", or "to show forth", and Eve at the top of Duni means the point of fertilisation. I see the earth rising a second time, out of the foam, fair and green, down from the fells, fish to capture, wings to eagle... Good afternoon Prime Minister... Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new administration, and I have accepted. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony, where there is error, may we bring truth, where there is doubt, may we bring faith, where there is despair, may we bring hope." Eighties was kind of a groundbreaking track. It was a song about what was happening at that time in the world. You never really heard it on the radio, Maggie Thatcher wouldn't have it on, because he forecast the Falklands War before it actually started! And she didn't like that. Geordie's guitar tuning on that track was unique Nirvana must have been huge fans because they played... What was that song... ? Come As You Are. I mean that is Eighties. We've got a three million lawsuit against Nirvana for stealing Eighties off us which is Come As You Are, Kurt from Nirvana has already said "Yes we did it"! If it was resolved I don't, well I should have seen some money and I don't think anybody saw any money Oh well I didn't know who the fuck they were when I met them, I didn't know anything about them but... I don't know why I got the call to work with them. I do know why; it was EG Records. They said "There's this very awkward band that we have on the label that maybe you can help us with... Quite a few friends said "What are you doing?"I said "I'm working with Killing Joke", they said, "You're working with Killing Joke? Are you mad? They're crazy! They're devil worshippers!" In 1979 a British DJ felt that the name should be forbidden and the band should be commandeered to rake leaves in Hyde Park, in order to find inner peace. Killing Joke It was decided that we would go to Berlin to record the album. Berlin ... istheabsoluteinsanityofhumanity, absolute madness. Jaz favours countries that are in the midst of economic decay and collapse, he feels there's a power there, an electricity because there's a certain thing going wrong We started recording and the band that I knew from London all of a sudden was a completely different beast QUITE SIMPLY THE BEST GUITAR RECORD THIS YEAR The Art of Evil KILLING JOKE, NIGHT TIME (EG). SUCCESS AT LAST FOR THE BAND OF THE RISING APOCALYPSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALL THEMSELVES Working with the band I suddenly began to realise how Geordie and Jaz worked off each other. Jaz is in awe of Geordie, because Geordie can interpret Jaz's chords in such a different way... I've never heard a guitar player like Geordie, Geordie is like... His guitar is like playing... an orchestra. IT MAKES THE SMITHS LOOK AND SOUND LIKE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL Love Like Blood was a deserved hit for all the right reasons. I don't think anyone could argue with them for that I think it kept the head bangers happy, kept the goth fans happy, it was a little bit of genius songwriting. It was always great going to see them around that time on tour, I remember seeing Jaz come down the stairs there and it literally was like seeing the return of Emperor Nero it was a fabulous feeling. It's one of the defining baselines of that era you know? It was not a conscious attempt at writing a commercial song at all. We did start to tap into an emotional side that we hadn't explored before, I suppose it might have been partly Jaz's classical background. He just had an anthem, love like blood, love like blood, and that was all based around a book that Paul was reading. We did have a hit, wow, amazing. And it's the only time that we had any money, it wasn't very much but it was enough to go "Oh, wow, this is good? Yeah it was on every jukebox in every pub, and suddenly they were on the highest profile music show in Britain at the time Raymond, of Killing Joke. Raven! You did it already! I knew I'd get something wrong! It was a very drunk Raven and Jaz were interviewed by Paula Yates and Jaz going on about how like, you know, how solid they were, one direction, big shiny boots, follow the drum, and they came on and stormed it. Did you ever think that you would be suddenly so successful after five albums? Why do you think it's happened like that, that suddenly everyone's buying your records? Because... Shut up a minute... Because there's too many hairdressers around that's why and it's also because err we're just the most brilliant live band in the world. Get it? Do you think that saying things like that has made you a bit unpopular in the past? Because you have had a terrible reputation for saying outrageous things. What with journalists you mean? Yeah with journalists rather than with... We've got, we've got a good relationship with the press actually you know? They were hated by... the press. Music papers liked having Killing Joke because they knew... something was going to happen, they had a real love hate relationship with it. There was always this thing called the graveyard shift and it always meant going to interview Killing Joke. Wasn't really so much a process of asking questions... One of them would say something... The other one would criticize them for saying it... They would start arguing with each other... You just had to try and get in there and gradually make some sense of it all. I don't think people really pay as much attention to music journalism as perhaps the media would like to think. "Jaz displays that Colgate ring of confidence" Like all the people at the NME, these people think they're like... gods or something. It was a good game for some years and they played it well, the band, for quite a while. Some people, who didn't really realise what you're talking about would probably construe that as negativism. I cannot see how we can be portrayed as negative. The only true optimism comes from realism. Jaz, a hundred quotes a minute worth blowing up in big type. I WILL DEFINE THE ATOMIC SOUND BEFORE I'M DEAD JAZ COLEMAN "I AM NOT A NUTCASE!"CLAIM Newspapers never lie! I'm pleased I wasn't handling their publicity! Geordie I was reading the blog and it said something about the Gematria system that you'd been getting into Gematria system, Gematria system? What's that about? Well... Go for it. Back to Jaz! They generally didn't really care about being in the press, but at the same time Jaz loves to have an audience. That is using the beats per minute and relating that to numerology, which is obviously an ascetic pursuit of arts. Most people didn't really know what Jaz was talking about... Good lord, it sounds like, quite heady that but, so, let's pick up the conversation again in a minute... Because Jaz often wouldn't talk about it, I mean Jaz would mention it and then as soon as the journalist would go "So would you like to clarify?" "No, fuck off!" "Well why did you mention it?" It became, obviously, a talking point with the press because it was a bit, you know, woooh. I always felt that Jaz was the active part and Geordie was perhaps more in-sinuous obviously, because they share the same beliefs and everything. The sound that comes out of this man Geordie, it strikes terror into every guitarist on the planet; you know it's Geordie, you know it cannot be any other guitarist. Geordie is just a phenomenally innovative musician. Got a unique, vicious, bitter, biting, twang to his guitar. Yeah he's got an amazing sound; the intensity of that is the subtlety of less is more, you know you can overplay and bugger it all up, you know? You're in the band with him, I'm watching Geordie for every cue. Which is interesting, because you usually follow the singer, and that's the key; you watch Geordie. With Geordie, he could have gone out there and become part of a lot of other bands, and I'm talking big bands, you know bands like Metallica or something like that, but he's stuck with Killing Joke all the way through. He's never really got a lot of money out of Killing Joke, but he's, you know, got that strong allegiance to being in Killing Joke Jah Wobble said, "imagine an Avro Lancaster, 1942 bomber. A guy in the leather hat and a cigarette holder and cigarette, and a gin and tonic in the other hand, 'Right we're over the target! ' that's how I'd describe Geordie Walker to you." He's so English, he can't live in England anymore; he lives in Prague in a weird sort of way the Dickensian blackened streets of Prague owe more to his sense of Englishness than anything England could offer anymore. For someone who's had such a big impact, Geordie's a very quiet guy in the public face I think. You'll find that my partner Geordie doesn't do interviews, unlike me and his reason for this is that he cannot see the point in talking about music, when it should be listened to. Now I can really understand that although... When Geordie came to Iceland with his full bodied jazz guitar, we couldn't understand what he was doing with this instrument... But he played it like a motherfucker! Which is the shit that's got the goo! You know you just know when it has... "Give us the goo!" It's suspensions as well, there's always the odd ringing note and you move chords and that's still ringing a suspensions... it's what you get with the echo too, because there's previous notes from previous stuff still decaying under it He always plays the same guitar, because it's semi-acoustic it enlarges the sound, it rings more. And he would play through two Burman amplifiers with a little chorus on them. And he's playing these weird shapes and inversions, he's got all these harmonic overtones because it's a semi-acoustic guitar... It's fucking resonances and beats, it's fucking microscopic you know? It's like, you can hear it, you just heard it, when you tune it up and you get that beat, it's getting that at the right sort of resonance, as a low fucking frequency thing going on too Its not fucking unlike cooking. Getting all the fucking flavours sort of... resonated. Geordie is the most honest man you'll meet. He'll tell you, whether you want to hear it or not, there's no doubt about that. He's got a pretty short fuse, he's a perfect foil to Jaz, you know, that's why it worked. Geordie and Jaz are the alchemical marriage. Elementally they're really well balanced, Geordie is earthy and fire-y and Jaz is air-y and watery so they have the perfect alchemical material. You get the theatrical Jaz you know with all his stance and all that. And you get Geordie, it's like he's playing a ballad on the side of stage. Their charts are really well linked. Jaz has Jupiter in Sagittarius sits right on all Geordie's planets in Sagittarius and it's ascendant in Capricorn so it's a hugely abundant creative relationship. You have the feeling that nothing can touch Geordie. Bless us, and all who come on pilgrimage to Glastonbury Guide our feet on the path of righteousness, inspire us by your spirit... I went to Glastonbury on February the 2nd 1982, and I got the second transmission. This transmission began with "Hraachmaa", this word which was 256, the number of the spider, which has 256 kalas in the voodoo cult. And actually, when I studied it more, 256 is the 'Spirit of the Mother'. Within days of going to Glastonbury I opened Tony Morrison's book Pathways of the Gods, and there in front of me was the Spider at the Pampas de San Jose, with its abdomen intersected by a line that was aligned to the constellation of Orion. I worked out when, approximately, the constellation of Orion would be coming over the horizon, and went straight to the Pampas. I arrived there two weeks before the proposed time of ritual, I pitched my tent behind a small hillock and lived in a semi-primitive state. Three days before the ritual I began my fast, and then on the third day, after nightfall, I made my way up one of the pathways I knew would intersect with the Spider's abdomen. When I arrived in the correct place, I began to play the drums and immersed myself in mantra, so I could get to the past and future place of Universe B. And again, a voice told me to start writing, and the first word of the writing was "Tomenga". The quicksilver methodology of communication; this is the third degree. ...out of the foam, fair and green... I discovered that ordinary men and women guard these vector points where UFOs and UAVs and hyper-dimensional entities manifest. Right, that's where it was, right? And when you come here, right watch this, this whole area was static right? There were at least nine or ten... balls, glowing balls. And then it starts flashing this image to us, like pulsating but strobing like..." It stayed in the air for ages didn't it? It didn't move away for a while. Do you understand where I'm coming from? I'm a military man, I know this shit. And one of them shot towards us... This is after we've already, fucking, you know, like literally just been like absorbed by this energy. I found it quite bizarre how this first confrontation I had, with something I believed deep down inside happened in the presence ofJaz. They flashed a symbol at us, it's kind of weird, because I recognised the symbol, it was like a matchstick man with a line through his head. That, experiencing in there, I think they knew me, Yeah, I felt like I'd been looked at. To Jaz it was something else. Brighter than a Thousand Suns, that's when he was trying to sing properly! Stop it. It was a bit of a labour of love because I didn't choose to go to Amsterdam to record the album, it's the last place where I would have taken Killing Joke, Berlin was dangerous enough. LACK OF PRUNING RITUALS ENSURING NO HIT SINGLES FLY HERE Melody Maker, in its gossip column, printed this photograph ofJaz getting out of a swimming pool with all his hair sort of squashed down and was basically taking the piss out of him because the single hadn't been the number one that everyone had expected. The Phone started ringing, it's Jaz at a hundred miles an hour in my ear, "Who's the person that wrote it? Who's the person that wrote it? I'm going to get my pendulum and come up there, I'm going to point it at everyone and find out who wrote that." I had been interviewing the band, and after Jaz said, "Come with me I'm going to give you a good story... So we jumped in a car, he tells the driver to stop at a fishing tackle shop. He comes outwith a package, we go on a bit further, and he stops at a butcher's shop, comes outwith a package. Phone call from reception, "Oh Mat, I've got Jaz Coleman in reception for you shall I let him in?" "No, no, don't let him in!" There was a security door where all the journalists from Melody Maker were pressed up against the glass, all staring, wide eyed, and none of them would dare come out. So I went out to the reception and Jaz was there, and was all lovely Jaz you know, he sort of put my arm round him and goes, "Ah Mat, pleased to see you, shall we go in?"and I said, "You know I can't let you in there Jaz, because I know what's going to happen if I let you in there it's going to be chaos."And at that point he just went crazy He takes out this piece of liver from his jacket and slaps this liver on the table, then he takes out a tub of maggots and he dumps the maggots over the liver... and started throwing it all over the reception these maggots just go crawling across this desk the poor receptionist is screaming her head off. DELIVER US FROM EVIL And he had these scissors which he dug into the table and recited some Latin and said "I want this journalist to call and apologise for what he's written about me." Part of it was brilliant, part of it was frightening, part of it was like, where the fuck is this going to end? It was welcome to Jaz world, for everyone in that reception that day. Suddenly we're on all these pop shows around Europe and the sort of, the other side of the coin. Oh, this is a commercial band now. It was nice you know, it was like a little glittery thing dancing in front of your eyes but it didn't bring us any closer together, if anything we got further apart from each other. The Joke kind of lost control of their empire themselves, it got very dissipated and the reason I think it got dissipated was because they didn't have any money, they were broke. Night Time album was very successful Brighter was, you know, relatively successful the deal that they were sucked into, they were never going to make any money. They were just losing all the time. They weren't going to be Top 10 every record, you sign to a big label what do they want? Why are they bothering to put money into you if you're not going to pay them back with hits? Yes we were under pressure, Yes the record should be better than the last one, Yes you should, you know, try and follow in the vein of Love Like Blood or whatever, but we'd just discovered an emotional side that we wanted to pursue. Killing Joke were stuck between... at that point they were trying to be as independent and as bloody minded as ever but they also wouldn't have minded having number one hits, I don't think you can have both. For a label I think, they would have been one almighty headache, I'm sure. I really liked the idea that we'd have this incredibly powerful musical thing and nobody would know ever who did it; I thought it was a lovely idea, but of course, you get on stage and you're all there what are you going to do? Play behind a screen? Once people are interested in hearing what the singer has to say, suddenly you've got a cult of personality and to a large extent I think that's why we eventually fell out. It talks about an incandescent column of smoke and flame brighter than a thousand suns... I'm not saying anybody's right or wrong here it was becoming more and more about ego, and my ego was getting hurt. IT'S NO JOKE RAVEN AND FERGUSON QUIT KILLING JOKE JAZ BUTCHERED ...the original line up, only you two I think? There have been changes, there had to be changes, The fact is we don't really want a sort of punk rhythm section for the next eight years you know? Some of his behaviour was an affront to me, an affront to the band; we couldn't be in the same room together. We wanted a more articulate, funky, powerful rhythm section. Did the other guys feel bad about it? Not at all we paid them off... ha ha ha And then of course, he started doing his solo material which started costing an awful lot of money and the record company said, "Well no, this has to be a band project." So I recorded drums with him not being there and I refused to listen to any of the keyboards on the record while I was doing it which is just insane, I was playing completely out of time. I got the message that the drum tracks were no good, you'll have to pay for them and do them again, and I just said, "Fuck it, I'm not going to." I just left the country. I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED THAT JAZ HAS HIS HEAD SO FAR UP HIS ARSE NOW. THERE'S TOO MUCH EGO STROKING GOING ON JAZ STOPPED WRITING LYRICS WITH PAUL THE WORDS BECAME A SERIES OF DEMENTED RANTINGS I'M BONKERS! As long as I'm alive, as long as Geordie's alive, Killing Joke is alive, right? And it got to a stage with Jaz where he went into deep depression, he was being sued by the record company if he ever walked out of his front door there'd be a person with a writ there, so he could never work again unless he started paying the bill off. He was terrified, he was in the middle of a nervous breakdown His passion and intensity is good, but invariably, you know, you mix passion and intensity with a big bag of drugs and a load of booze and you're going to get someone going off the handle aren't you really? You have written, they're lying here on the floor, a symphony and a book, you are quite a busy person. That's right, my symphony I hope to have performed this year, in England I hope and the other side of the world... Can I show it? Sure. Is it really a symphony? That's right... And then then it was the beginning of his classical career. Art of Noise supremo Anne Dudley and Jaz Coleman, Killing Joke's founder member, are an unlikely couple to see on the streets of Cairo. They came here to record an album called Songs from the Victorious City, "Victorious City"being the literal translation of Cairo. A mutual love of classical music drew Dudley and Coleman together on this project; he's a classically trained violinist and she spent three years studying at the Royal College of Music When at first I met him he was very crazy. Because he told me, "I want to learn about the Arabic music." He wanted to know everything, you can see it in his eyes. So I keep learning him for about ten days after that, I was surprised he could write our Arabic music, as one of us. I didn't believe that he can make good harmony between the Western and the Oriental music, but he has done it. He'd been playing me bits and pieces of symphonies that he'd been writing through the Joke sessions, but this was the first time that it was a collaboration and someone released it. The biggest pop star in Egypt! And then, of course, the depression disappeared and Jaz's classical career was just taking off right, left and centre. This is called the Zep Symphony. Symphony; it's a symphony, I tell you... ...the machinery is in place, big record, London Philharmonic Orchestra, and I'll take you, to the West, one go, tonight. It was a surprise for me, to find English people interested in our music... He sat at the piano and I sat at the kanun and we tried to make a relation. Since this time I found he knows what he wants. Good. I heard that he was doing it, but I didn't get to hear it until the end and I thought he'd done a magnificent job OK it was Led Zeppelin, but he'd brought Jaz Coleman to the party; Jaz is in there, alive and well. Jaz, being classically trained, fantastic musician, in the pages of the music press they didn't really deal with that I think a lot of the antagonism in the early days was just journalists not understanding it. He won the St Nicolas Award at the age of four in the pop landscape of the time that meant for nothing really. It was just very easy for them to say, "Oh, well, he's mad isn't he."And then sort of like, take the piss out of him, but he wasn't mad, he was passionate. You don't have to be Egyptian to enjoy Egyptian music, you don't have to be West Indian to enjoy Caribbean music; it's whatever you identify with, spiritually. Is Jaz religious? Is he a Muslim? ... He must. 2000, JAZ COLEMAN WEDDING, MOROCCO Everyone is Muslim. They make themselves Christian or Jewish or... but the religion it's one, it's one god, you believe or you don't believe. What do you think will happen to mankind? It's finished, it must finish. Everything has a start and have an end. Our Prophet, he's the last prophet. Someone asked him about the day of the end, "Between me and the end, lies from this finger to the other one." I don't know how much time from hereto here; it doesn't make a difference for me, it's going to the end. Did you prepare yourself for the end? This is, this is the question. When Egypt goes, which it will do because of the decreasing geomagnetic field, it's a kind of signal. And this was written into the holiest books of the occult in modern times. There's going to be a huge upheaval coming. There will be fire and blood, in the Victorious City Al Qahirah is the Victorious City. We're at 0.05 gauss at the moment, and we're decreasing to 0 gauss, as soon as we get close to 0 gauss, they've done the tests on the astronauts, this manifests in terms of random aggression and madness, basically. When Cairo ...falls, we are a matter of, maybe a year at maximum, away from ...singularity. Killing Joke is back... The band that ties spirituality with primal violence has reformed, re-uniting with bassist Raven and joined by drummer Martin Atkins, who previously played with Public Image Limited. They have major new music and major new ideas, and they're getting no support from major record companies. Well when they came back together, the band took complete creative control, they didn't listen to any outside pressure We will make the record, then nobody will say anything to us. It was good to see them angry again, it was less poetry, more... more hate. When Big Paul left Raven said, "He made my job as easy as anything, all I had to do was turn up when Big Paul was playing drums, Martin was even more aggressive and intricate I would say. There was a jazz element to Martin that really propelled the band in a different direction. Would you like to tell us what you've been doing in the sort of, last few years when we haven't heard anything from Killing Joke? It's probably been the worst two years of my life, everybody in the band went through absolute hell, we all got to the point where there was absolutely... we were 100% skint, and I ended up in a psychiatric ward actually. The BEAST IS BACK! ...any other handy missiles at the police and colliery buildings, the police responded by sending in a snatch squad. The miners resisted and the police... EXTREMITIES IS THE MORE INTENSE WORK TO DATE IF THEY EVER TOP THIS THEY ARE NOT GENIUSES, THEY ARE DEITIES Jaz had been having a terrible time in the lead up to that album, he told me once that, he felt as if he'd been made of glass, that he was actually possessed. And I think a lot of that fed into that album I think it's one of those great things that Killing Joke do, when they're at the top of their game, is mix what's going on, the turmoil inside the band, with the turmoil that's going on in the political world, they've done it a lot of times. .. And it was the age of greed, it was the age of Thatcher privatising everything; gas, electricity, water, everything was being taken out of the hands of the people. Jaz being this fantastic romanticist European hated that, on that album he rebelled against it brilliantly. People need something to resemble the struggle they have in in trying to make a living today, they need this level of intensity in the music and we provide that. It's strange that you really like the live work with Killing Joke and yet with your orchestral arrangements you've got to be right behind... Oh he's a different person, completely different person, he's got another name, I mean I call him Jaz but he's the other Jaz, he wears different clothes, that's another lifetime. Whoever invented the jester persona for Jaz was incredibly prophetic. That stick where you turn, and one side's miserable and black and the other sides a harlequin and all the rest of it; that's him Jaz can be very calm and very collected... "Don't fucking run away from me..." Say it again... Say it again. Is there another side to Jaz, can he freak out? Yeah of course he can. I'm the chosen boy, and you better fucking believe it you fucker. He's a very gentle reflective person inside, I mean you wouldn't think that looking at Killing Joke but inside, as you know... He's quite introvert, and he worries, he worries a lot. His mind is, you know, it's more dangerous than a computer his mind it's like... he never stops thinking. ...man is an aggressive, predatory beast... Wall Street crash that happened six, six months ago is going to reoccur again... why do we focus our lives exclusively to the acquisition of material possessions when we won't be taking anything with us when we go? He'll always hook onto something because it's almost verging on paranoia in some ways, he has a deep fear of something, and he manifests it in different ways. Right from the start he had this problem, he would be listening to things he'd be scared outside that he had fears, and I wasn't sure why. He was a chorister in a church choir, he was so committed, they said he was quite spiritual. He would get amazing reports from the Royal College of Church Music about this exceptional boy who could sing like a dream and play like a dream. He wasn't doing very well at school, but we knew that he had talents. I don't know whether I believe in lineage or inheritance or caste, but I do have Persian as well as Hindu in me; I'm a half-caste. I was brought up in a very white, middle class town called Cheltenham, and I never felt like I was English here, I always felt like a foreigner here, I mean I was always in fights at school and stuff, because I always felt odd, different. That track, 'The Pandy's Are Coming', it was really about, the first step in tackling my cultural identity crisis, which was this part of me that comes from the East, didn't sit right in England at that time. At that time, there were all these "Jaz clones" as Youth calls it, all these Asian kids with flat caps. SOUTHALL RIOTS, ANTI-RACISM DEMONSTRATION 1979 Young Asians born in Great Britain they have to be like, a good boy, a good girl or otherwise, you step out of line, and they'd all run away from home all these kids. I used him as an inspiration to kids, and I say, "This boy is supposed to have failed his music O level, and yet he's able to conduct a symphony orchestra and he's never been to a music college, so what does it say?" some say, "You don't know Killing Joke'; I say, "Yes I'm his Mum'; "You're his Mum? !", I think he was kind of spawned they don't think of him as having a Mum, especially someone like me. Spawn of the devil yeah right? He's a very hot fish to handle artistically you know, he's a difficult artist to work with because he's so passionate and so uncompromising. He can be absolutely lovely Jaz Coleman, and he can be a complete and utter shit. Wake up... Intro... Even knowing him really well, you know, there always comes a point where he starts physically threatening me or someone there, you know, with violence. Take that fucking out, we're recording. Alright tell me where the drums... Take the last one out. It's happened on all our projects, I think on the Pink Floyd one he threatened to slash the AR man's face if he made one edit to... Oh no, that was the Zeppelin one... If he edited this twenty minute version of 'Whole Lotta Love' which we didn't use at all in the end... You know, so when he's like that there's just no reasoning with him he just becomes a bit of a dictator and he expects everybody just to recognise recognise his genius and do what he says. OK, brilliant, OK OK let's just fly that into the chorus, really good Jaz... Did you get all that? ... Everything! Matt and I know fine well that dealing with Jaz a lot of the time is like, "Right, I'm going to Peru, I'm going to record, in a cave, in Peru, to invocate something or another and like... that's a real conversation. And there's a bit of you that sort of sits there and thinks, "Why... Why do you want to go to Peru?" DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, YOU CUNT, MAKE ME SOUND LIKE GOD When you're manage him sometimes you sit, and you look at each other, and you're like, "Is this guy completely fucking crazy?" And then a part of you thinks, "Or is he manipulating this entire situation?" A good example of that is the trip to Egypt; the story is just fantastic, who goes to record in the King's Chamber of the Great Pyramids of Giza? I'll tell you; nobody. If there was ever a dangerous time in your life believe it or not it'd be now... seriously. SILENCE We wanted to do this recording in the Pyramids. Mary, our main contact, described herself as a white witch. She said she'd have to interview us to ascertain our intentions were correct. We had this interview and the guy goes, "What do you want to do?" and Jaz goes, "I want to do an exorcism" and he goes, "You're not Satanists are you?" "I don't believe in Satan, so how can I be a Satanist? Do you?", "No I don't" and Jaz goes, "Well how can I be a Satanist?" and everybody laughed and that was it and we were in. This is where major leys start and end isn't it? On the planet earth. The Pyramids weren't sited randomly, it is indeed a huge marker peg for all the rest of the grid on the entire planet. This is the Great Navel of the Earth, high energy; don't need drugs in here, you don't. Hello, Hello, Hello The energy is very high in Cairo and around the Pyramids. It's almost like you don't need to sleep there, Jaz thrives on that. I think we can go in the Queen's Chamber while you're doing your vocals, OK? Jaz is going in. Once you enter the King's Chamber, the harmonics in that room are just incredible. You had to whisper to each other because it just bounces off the walls. First battery pack we put in the DAT machines just went flat straight away. The second battery we put in went flat straight away. The camera started playing up... It was a terrible session, Jaz broke down, he'd drunk too much, there was too many people around, all this weird stuff was going on we got nothing. The next day I kind of took the reins a bit and said, look, let's do it a bit more ritually... We light the candles let's have three guys in the King's Chamber, everybody else can wait out in the corridors. We'll do a ceremony and we'll ritualise it and then, we'll see what happens. In ...this moment in our lives. We come to absorb... Spirit and purify ourselves. Jaz did a prayer, saying that we came in peace and we wanted to do it in a good way. Mary and the girls had suddenly turned up at the Pyramids in this full Egyptian ceremonial dress. 3217. and these people around doing I think, they're doing something not right. The energy changed in the room straight away, you could cut the air with a knife. It was time when Sirius was rising in the sky in August, that really helped, and the girls held the energy down there in the Queen's Chamber, and created the right resonance and vibration for us to access that portal. We had like, two hours of fantastic recording with Jaz bellowing from the darkest agony of his soul. I could feel myself elevating, Jaz was watching me and he was like... His eyes were getting bigger and bigger and he reckons that I lifted off the ground. Our recording engineer, Sameh, was Egyptian, he'd never been in the Pyramid before, he was sort of a little bit... Not scared but, it didn't interest him to go there, ever. At one point he nodded off. I found sleep. That's what I remember that for five minutes, four minutes, my eyes closed. When he awoke he jumped up, hit his head on the beam and ran for the door. I stopped him and said, "Are you OK?"and he said, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine but the Eye of Horus was coming after me. These eyes I remember them, it was shiny eyes, coming like this and would look at me and go It was scary really, actually. These eyes... It comes to my dreams many times; from this day I never go to the Pyramids again. It was a really, really powerful experience, you know, for me personally and musically it was incredible. I've known Jaz for about five years. He tried to fight me once... He was rolling his eyes around and freaking out, he was going to chop my head off. Do you know Killing Joke recorded in these Pyramids? Jaz told me all about it at the time, what a great coup This is one of the major points points of reference of history I don't believe that this is 2800bc, it's not, it's a lot older. The science isn't human, the science is mathematics that mankind is only now understanding. The whole point of our civilisation isn't human. What is this civilization about and who or what could have created it? It's basically structured around the Tree of Life, everything that every human being knows, the way they think think is attached to this Tree of Life, and the whole of everything that is attached to this tree, will always work for the aim of number one. One being the unity of everything that's held within it, so we're all attached to a matrix. Now this matrix, really, I mean it's very, very, very difficult to believe that any human being could ever have conceived of this. They're making something else, something big, something that none of us are going to have any free will about we're not going to have any free will once we're attached, at all, look at the ant, look at the termite. This is the brave new world we're entering. ...there, science fiction twenty years ago but a biometric reality today. I fervently believe that the western governments, the only way that they're going to control the masses during the changes that are going ahead, is going to be humans having implants. Technology has developed to an extent that it's a reality we're a matter of years away from the situation, I think it's beyond paranoia. NEW ZEALAND Jaz Coleman and Killing Joke record their next album in Auckland, in Coleman's new recording studio, next month. PANDEMONIUM, A 10-PAK OF PESTILENCE KILLING JOKE HAVE RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE, THE END MUST BE NEAR I had worked with Jaz on an album from my own band, Shihad, he had produced that album, which which he did a fantastic job of, when Killing Joke turned up, that's when it all started going fucking sideways. Jaz had this mike set up, I think it was called the cunt mike, it was just a microphone patched in, so he could abuse us as we were tracking drums! "Oh yeah, you've got to yell fuck at me while I play, that's fine, you go right ahead you know. Paul Ferguson and Martin Atkins, you know, they were huge heroes of mine who had influenced a whole series of other drummers that I was really into, Mike Bordin, of Faith No More... It was a strange turn of events to find yourself in that cycle of creation, after having watched it from afar and from, you know, the bottom of the world. I mean that was a genetic thread that Killing Joke started with drumming where they brought that tribal thing into aggressive, high energy music. READ MY APOCALYPSE A lot of people who got into Pandemonium thought it was Killing Joke's first album, I bet that's happened to them four or five times in their career. There's not many bands that get more and more ferocious, and harder, and more fucked up the older they get. It was back to them sounding unique, and not trying to have pop hits. PANDEMONIUM IS WHAT MIGHT BE CALLED A WORK-IN-PROGRESS... GOD KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF IT IS EVER COMPLETED Youth sort of reappeared, there was sort of confusion as to whether it was Youth and Raven, or, was Raven out, or what now? Again it was that thing of chaos in the background. We're coming from all different directions directions and, you know, for a while it only worked when we played music, and the rest of the time there was a bunch of turbulence. .. still is. Youth's sort of popped in and out of the band over the years really. Youth came to me and said "I want to get another band together", I said "Well what do you want to do that for? You should be a producer", and he said, "Oh, you think I should be a producer?", I said, "Yeah, you could be.", he's made a great career out of being that. Youth produced everything from Urban Hymns to Paul McCartney, I think the records... Not all the time, bearing in mind Night Time was nothing to do with Youth, you know... but I think that when he comes back in, even if he's not firmly at the controls of it, even if he's not literally the guy on the desk turning it, he sort of puts a bit of something into it... A bit of producer magic into it. Youth's making money! I said to him, "Oh, I bet you're quite chuffed then", because, like, you know he did the Verve album and the first two singles go straight to number 1. And he kind of sits there, sort of, "Yeah mate", you know what he's like. He's the guy, that, when all the rest of them aren't talking to each other for whatever reason, they all still talk to Youth. Taking that symbol, we use the water, the sign of Christ, 1999 YORK STREET STUDIOS OPENING To cleanse it. He came in like a bull at the gate, trying to, I don't know, stir emotions, stir something. I want to start the debate in this country; what is Kiwi music? And he set up York Street Studios with the help of a few other people, which really gave a boost to New Zealand music, I mean, they would never admit to that. I first met Jaz at the opening of the York Street Recording Studio, he was really keen to do some recording together and he was really adamant when we first worked on Oceania that that music was to be about the essence of this country. He didn't really care what people thought of him, it seemed. A real, sincere desire to understand the indigenous people and the culture was very apparent, because I don't think in the early 90's we were really doing that as a general thing, and I think that was, kind of, punctuated, when I sang the national anthem in Maori at the Rugby World Cup, because the response to that was so extraordinary. "Men of every creed and race, gather here before thy face", that's how the second verse of 'God Defend New Zealand' starts. Ironic, then, that when the Maori Hinewehi Mohi delivered her national song at Twickenham on Saturday it didn't go down well with thousands of New Zealand rugby fans... This representative of the Rugby Union came and said, "We'd really like you to do an English version'; and Jaz goes, "NO! She only knows that version and that's the version she's going to do" What is the point of singing a national anthem in a language that most of the population can't understand? The decision to sing it in Maori was a musical decision, not a political one, it's just that, I mean, you've got to listen to this girl's voice... "You can't be singing it in English, you've got to be singing it in Maori because we've got to make that statement" It's all about music you know, this is the issue... if he's feeling passionate about that needing to be made as a statement, then I smell trouble! But I didn't smell the trouble to the extent that it panned out. It suddenly turned into this controversy I suddenly realised that we weren't so far along with our cultural understanding as I would have liked us to have been. This is your CD! ... OK! That's enough plugging! Jaz was really delighted because he copes with controversy so much better than me! He'd make a good politician, because politicians have that two sides to them, you know, he can play the game, Jaz can do that... He wouldn't make a good priest. This was on the Gathering message board, "I heard recently, that Jaz had found God." We can't escape what we are, far better to study our holy texts... "The sun is rising in the east, the beginning of a new day for mankind, my eyes were open to see the divine mysteries of the church of Killing Joke, the chosen anointed prophet of God, Jeremy Jaz Coleman, beloved of the most high", I'll hold you Don't worry Come on. You try Don't look down. Just look at the stairs Slowly... Careful Don't be afraid Don't be afraid Your mom is over there... Tai Kwan Si Lok! Jump! Jump! Jump everyone! We're running out of time Si Lok! Jump now Come here! The water is very deep! Come down now Everyone, listen. We all dive into the water later on... and open the elevator door together And we will have a chance to go out Keung, I'll cut the cable soon Let's check the time. Let me know when you're ready Ok Why don't you come down? What does your brother want to do? There is no choice in a fire scene at all One minute We only have one chance Take a deep breath and dive Understood? 1,2,3... Lam-lam... are you ok? Dad Si Lok... Si Lok... Are you ok? Bro... Bro... ls everyone ok? Are you ok? Let's go What was it? Our baby is gone... Nothing is more important than you so great that you're safe From the moment I came in, I knew I will take you out See? Where's papa? Why hasn't papa come out? I resigned this morning Actually... you may want to think again I'm getting married. Can you join our banquet? Sure I will Has mom known it yet? Not yet You got a phone on you? Give me your phone Mine's broken From time to time life changes drastically. I'd no idea that a young man on a snow-covered highway in Northland would get such a great impact on my life. I often meet him in my dreams. A small pale figure in way to little clothes. (In Swedish) We have a visitor... Oskar. What? Hallo! Can i help you? What do you want? What... What do you want? Dear me, he almost have no clothes on. Come in. Come into the warmth. Come and have some tea. Here you go! (In Danish) Where is the fridge? What have you done to the fridge? What did you say? I think he said something about the fridge. Are you Danish? Hey? Where are you going? You can't be here. It's private. Where is the harp of the sky? What has happened to the harp of the sky? I don't understand what you are saying but you can't be up here. Come. Let us go down. - Come! Give me a hand. - He has already left. - Should we let him freeze to death? - Of course not. I can't go out in the middle of the night? It's freezing out there. - It knocks on the door. - Blast! What do you want? What do you want.. Oskar? - SOS Alarm, what has happened? - I'm calling from Avaträsk. (From the telephone) Hallo? What has happened? Hallo? I'm sorry... Sorry, God. What next? This can't be true. Is there nobody, who can remember what to do now? - Yes, Bo? - The creed... And then presents and party? Not yet, Bo. You won't get off so easy. When I have... Caroline? What did I say about mobile phone in the church? - I just have to see something. - No... No! Turn of that mobile! Right now! And put it away! You are probably careless about this, but I'm not! This here is the reason why we come here on Sunday. We are having a little dinner in the church council tonight. You should come. Yes, I would like that but unfortunately I have guests myself. Thank you. It is the first time a priest swears in our church. You may be in a crisis of your life. You may have lost your job. Maybe you have a bad health. And it goes on and on and on. And when we go on our personal Emmaus-walk, we just want to quit. Goodbye, goodbye! - Goodbye and thank you. - Thank you. - Hallo. - Hallo. My name is Lisbeth Wendt. - Can you spare a few minutes? - Yes. I come from Katrinebæk. You know the big institution near the inlet. It's one of the country's best protected psychiatric wards. I'm doing a big research project. I'm trying to map the inmate's social and emotional abilities. I'm a psychologist and I've come in touch with a young man who... who yesterday.. ...tried to take his own life. I thought it would be a good idea for him to talk with a priest about it. He says it's God plan. God is speaking to him. He says it's God plan that he ends his own live. But don't you have a prison chaplain? Someone with experience in these things? No. We haven't had a priest in many years. - No... - I'm... I'm really afraid that he will try to hurt himself again. It was not that kind of a trip I've dreamed about. But I have never been to a closed institution before. And this young man God called upon ... I was curious. On that time I didn't know much about Lisbeth's project. She had arrived to Katrinebæk a couple of months before. The method is not new. It have shown positive results in American prisons. My research examines if pets have positive influence on violent persons. - Like the persons you've got here. - So a couple of dogs can cure the patients... No. Of course not. The aim is to map emotional and social skills. I hope that it will lead to results you can use in your work. I'm not here to cure someone. I'm here to observe and write. Lisbeth Wendt, a psychologist... It's section three. Here is a floor plan for you. (Speaker) Go ahead and step inside the elevator. Do you have any sharp objects on you? Knifes, scissors or stuff like that. I would advise you to take of your scarf and your high-heeled shoes. - I can't walk around barefooted. - It's just a precaution. Everything will be fine. Don't you think? - Knud. Principle officer. Welcome. - Thank you. I will escort you around this department - You have to sign here. - It is an insurance issue. It means that we are not to blame if anything happens to you. Will you please step over here. Do you have any questions? A lot. However, I'm not sure I want to hear the answers. No. Lisbeth Wendt is waiting at the consultant. - Are you psychologist? - No. I'm a priest. I've gotten that all wrong. Well. There is many ways to abreact. So, you are going to work with one of Lisbeth's patients? - Did she tell you about her project? - Briefly. I think she is researching patterns of behaviour and empathy skills. - Have she said that? - Yes. Isn't it true? - Yes, yes. You can say it like that. - What would you say? Don't worry. He can't get out. What kind of people are they... The prisoners? We call them inmates. It's people with very violent behavior. They kill without reason. We have to turn right here up the stairs. - It doesn't have to end this way Lisbeth. - Doesn't it? Funny... when you talked to the press about my project you didn't mention any limits. - And that is true. - Then why are you doing this? It's not me. It's the commission and the university. - You asked the commission to come. - Sweet Lisbeth... Stop saying sweet Lisbeth. Did you call the commission? Yes or no? The commission has independently chosen to come, after they got our quarterly statement. And I sincerely hope we can end this as good friends. Hallo Helen. I'm really pleased that you are here. Shall we go over in the department? We need 2 minutes before we go in. No problem with me. 03-07 is my coffee break. I'll wait downstairs. - 03-07? - That's his number. 03 is department 3 and 7 is his cell number. - Again.. I'm really happy that you're here. - Of course. I would really like to tell him that God doesn't want him to kill himself. Are you ready? We are going to something called the "zero cell". They go there if they have attempted suicide. Normally he's in zero cell. No phychial contact Between you and the inmate. This door has to be open all the time. This is an attack alarm. Press this button, if you feel insecure. Please take off your shoes and put the scarf in your pocket. This is Knud. We are at 03-07. Is it okay, if I see him first? - Yes? - Yes. - Here you go. - Thank you. Hallo. I've brought someone, you shall meet. Helen is a priest and I thought you would like to walk with her. Lisbeth, Lisbeth, Lisbeth... Would you like that? Concentrate. Helen has travelled far to talk with you. Valde, Valde, Valde... - That's his cat. - Valde, Valde, Valde... I'm here because Lisbeth has told me you tried to take your own life. She also told me that you said it's God's plan that you should do it. - Do you feel like talking about it? - Oysters, oysters, oyster... Drip, drip, drip... - It's time for coffee. - We are talking. - Yes. I can see that. Coffee time. - Can we get 5 minutes? I don't think I heard that. Coffee. If God comes should one not accept him? - Would you like a cup of coffee? - Yes. Thank you. Thank you. - Are you okay sitting here? - Yes, yes. He is ready in 20 minutes. They look... quite normal. - Was it unproblematic to share the animals? - No. I got a warm welcome. It's a really brutal place. Welcome to Katrinebæk. 03-06, it's the budgie. - Here you go. - It's so nice. Can it say anything? I think you can! You can say something. Can't you? Can I hear? - And here is the hamster - Yes, 03-02. It's here. You got a visitor! Here you go. - How often does it need fresh water? - 2-3 times a week. Okay...? - That was a cozy place. - Yes. He has been here for 33 years. That's why there was a rug on the floor. - So the boy gets the cat? - Yes. When he came, he couldn't even talk, eat or use the toilet. - That's why he is perfect for the project. - Yes. What do I know...? Look what I got for you. He's going to live with you for a couple of months. Don't you want him here? That's no problem. It's okay. We can't bring it back right now. I will make sure his gone by tomorrow. You can play with it and... give it food. Okay. It's only today. Now I could use a cigarette. Thank you. Hallo. - Hallo. - Hallo. I'm sorry. When I'm doing assignments I'm not really present. - I'm the schoolteacher. - That must be a challenge. Yes. You're right about that. - My name is John. John Eriksen. - My name is Lisbeth. - Oh. It's you with the animals. - Yes. We've just handed them out. - Not all of them? - Yes, all 6. - What about me? - No, I'm sorry. Give me an animal. I need to have an animal! - Stop it, Eriksen! - Give me a goddamn animal. I want to participate in your goddamn experiment! I want an animal! I'm going to destroy you, you whore! - That gut with the mustache... - Yes. That's him. - And they never found the g...? - No, they never found the girl. Let's find another place to talk. It's in here I've studied. Here you can see the cells. If you press... - Have your project had any effect? - Yes, for some it has. - And what about him? - Yes, he has... - Lisbeth, we have to talk about this. - This right now, Ove. We are working. We didn't say hallo before. Ove Nielsen, I'm the consultant here. - Helen Schmidt. - Are you one of Lisbeth's colleagues? - Ove, let's talk about this later. - It only takes two minutes, okay? Not now... It seems like everybody thinks I'm your colleague? I would like to explain that. I had to call you a psychologist because otherwise they wouldn't let you in. I've been called worse. What are you arguing with the consultant about? Tomorrow at 11 A.M. the commission from the university will close my project. - Why? - We've lost their confidence. I've only got one day left here. Everything has to be settled. I'm afraid, that I've started something I can't control. - I hope you can help him. - I will do my best. Let's try again? Lisbeth has told me about the project, but... I would like to hear more about God's role in this. If... you like to. - The test animals got test animals. - What do you mean? - Oysters, oysters, oysters... - Stop. Stop that. - Oysters, oysters... - Stop. - I don't get it. - Drip, drip, drip... Lisbeth's death little oyster won't pull together. Drip, drip... Okay... - So, do you like oysters? - We're not talking about that. She is asking about God and the prayers. - Tell Helen about.. the "skygame"? - Lisbeth, please. Can I just... - You don't know him. He's circulating. - Oysters, oysters, oysters... - So what's is it with the oysters? - No, tell us about Eriksen. Tell Helen what happened and about God calling. Please.. Come with me. - Don't you need my help? - What do you mean? - Don't you need it? - Yes. Let him talk. We need to have a dialogue. He's playing us. Do you want me to help? Good. Let me talk. Alone. Okay. Sorry about that. How long did you have the cat? Did they take it from you when they moved you up here? - Will you tell me about it? - It's not a "it". No.. - But... The cat? - Valde. Most of the time he was lying here on my stomach. That sounds nice. Back then I had socks... I made a little frog out of them and Valde caught it. I also made an animal out of a chestnut. He really liked that one. That was before I got here. - How does he sleep? - It depends. We give 20 mg Zyprexa and in some cases we give him Iktoviril. Just 2 mg. And then she sleeps until 7 A.M. He claims his cat is able to sleep 21 hours straight. Valde can sleep 21 hours in a row, right honey? Yes. Thank you. Week 3. 03-07 is caring and seems serious about his object. No sign of changes in his sleep cycle. He eats and is more frank. - You've seen it. - Yes. What's the problem? We could keep them apart. Eriksen in is my control group. We got other things to worry about. I need to show you something. I you coming? We found this in Eriksen's cell. Look. You know what happened to Eriksen's family, right? Yes. Why have I not seen this before? - I've just received it from the nurses. - Shouldn't they go directly to me? Yes. Of course. But they don't feel secure about the situation. But this one... Is the worst. It's made of hair. Human hair. His own. And spit, nails and a chicken bone. And something we think is feces. - Ugh, damn. - Adjusting his medication doesn't work. I think we should protect Eriksen and keep the cat away from him. It will ruin the project. I asked you out of courtesy. I've already made a decision. I should just tell the university that we're quitting the project. Then I'll tell the press about the secretiveness and the medication. - I'm trying to find a solution. - I won't accept that you separate them. The sky was dark as before a huge storm. There was a sound... like a devastating thunderstorm. And the sky was completely covered by Messerschitt bombers - - Ready to bring death and destruction over the cities of Europe. - I won't eat it. - It doesn't want to. - I won't eat it. - Is there a problem? - I just wanted to... - Let's go for a walk. Forget it. Have you calmed down? That's good. No! What the hell are you doing, John? Relax. Relax. Take it easy. - Let me go! - Let go of me! Take it easy... Take it easy... A priest who doesn't talk. Have you ever heard God sing? No, I haven't. When a cat like Valde smiles Then you understand that God has a plan. I could almost hear the harp of the sky. Have you heard it? - Have you seen it? - No. Valde often lay here in my armpit. He called it God's armpit. How... Did he talk? - No, you don't believe it. - No. But I want to believe. - You could try... - Nobody believes it. No.. - I want to go home. - Do you? Where is home? Why did you call the cat Valde? It doesn't matter. But... thank you for talking. She came back with him. She came back with Valde after a fox had ripped him to pieces. He was stone-dead. He told me himself. Even so, she brought him to me the day after that. Yes, just like that. Get your feet up. Yes. Exactly. Now you should get some rest. Valde? Valde? Valde? Valde? Valde! Open the door! Open, goddamn. I need to go out! Valde! Valde! Kitty, kitty... Come here. Come. Kitty, come... - What is that? - It came to me last night. Outside. The doctor said it didn't feel so good. He said it was weak with hunger. But the fox killed him. He was stuck in the bushes, right? Yes... Maybe it did.. But now it's back. It's not the right one. It's not Valde. You're not in the project anymore after the episode with Eriksen but it's important to say goodbye in a good way. You really liked it. Why should I say goodbye? Goddamn. It's not it. You got in until tomorrow. There is nothing else I can do. Be nice. Be nice to it. Help! It's bloody talking! The cat is talking. Help! I don't want to hear it! No! Stop it goddammit. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I cannot take anymore. Stop it. I'm afraid. Stop it, goddammit. Thank you our Father in heaven, for the protection you have given us today. Forgive us our sins, and guard us tonight we confide in you with our body and soul, I place everything in your hands. Amen I think you're right. You're right. - So... What did you get out of that? - He talks a lot about that cat. - Was it called Valde, when he got it? - No. That was something he came up with. And what is the story behind the cat coming back? I need some air. Do you want to come? Everything he says is about the cat and God. What do you actually know about his background? Let's go outside. When the authorities first noticed him, he was 11-12 years old and was kept in a hospital with an overdose of sleeping pills in the blood. His mother wouldn't have him back again. She had moved to Spain. He lived at 2-3 children's homes until he was 15 and ran away Then he lived on the street... Until he killed the Swedish couple. - In Sweden? What was he doing there? - I have no idea. A brutal murder. They sat in front of the window like they were enjoying the view. - What do you mean? - He never told why he did it. They were sitting close with their arms around one another. What about the cat? Where is the cat? He liked the cat. It changed him and his sleep cycle. - And then he choked it. - Why didn't you say so? Why do is suddenly feel like this is an interrogation? If you want my help, you need to tell me what you know. Things wasn't getting better after the episode with Eriksen Lisbeth! The consultant wants to talk with you. Sorry. I need to fix this. - You need to keep the doors closed. - Yes. You know... No psychical contact. 391 00:46:05,040 -- 00:46:07,919 And the scarf... And shoes... Yes, that's fine. I want to ask... I do not blame you for anything. I'm just trying to understand. Why did you choke the cat? I failed. You failed... How? - Where's your scarf? - It's out there. Valde was so strange. He was different. Before he was just a cat. There was something. Something not right. Not right... How was it not right? Like in the hour of the lynx. A lynx sleeps 21 hours a day, hunts in 3 and eats in 1. - But that's 25 hours? - The last hour is beside the others... That's the hour of the lynx. That's where everything can happen. He were to leave at first and then I should follow. So your plan was that the cat should leave first and then you should follow? . It wasn't my plan at all. - I heard the cat came back? - Yes. That's good. What's that? Now where are going home Valde. We shall eat fish cakes.. ..and cowberry. I will give you a bath in cowberry and the harp of the sky. It will sing all night. Now I come. 03-07 is committing suicide! I failed. You have a way with that kid. Oh, there you are. Sorry, he needed me. - We need to talk. - Yes. There is something you haven't told. - Have you been talking to him again? - Yes. Can we talk? I got many questions. - Can I sleep here? - I can't get the permission to that. Yes. There is many free beds on the top. You stay there yourself... - But I probably won't get the permission. - I will find some sheets. Okay. - Thank you Knud. - Thank you too. Thanks. Why did you give him the cat just for 1 day? I had never thought it would make him... - What? - Try to kill himself. So it has nothing to do with your project? - Do you also blame the project? - You tell me nothing! - I've made mistakes. - But you don't tell me about them! I don't think it's my fault that he tried to commit suicide. Why did you give it to him? He wasn't in the project anymore. To help him. I had to show that the cat was alive. - To get one last day with it. - He said it was another cat. But he became tied to it. He talked and cuddled with it. - Was it the same cat? - Yes. It was the same cat. It has earmarks. I can show you. It's in a freezer in the basement. - Why is it in the freezer? - I wanted to show him, if he thought that he heard it or something like that. I just wanted to let him have one last goodbye. You show him it's alive and then you give him one last night - Was is the last night of your project? - No. Did you like to see what kind of results one more loss would make? Drip some lemon in your oyster to see if it's still alive? Then he choke the cat and tried to kill himself. I don't know why I did it. I wanted to end the project in a good way. I'm a professional, godammit! If I had known, he would... I would have... I just wanted to help him. I just wanted to help him. Hallo. - So, we got you hospitalized after all. - Yes. Yes you did. Is it true you got a dead cat in a freezer? - Is it a possibility to answer no? - No. Why do you want to see the cat? Do you want to pray for it? 465 00:56:18,040 -- 00:56:23,199 - No. I'm just curious. - We are getting used to dead animal. Here you go. - It's really dead. Are you done? - Yes. Thank you. An experiment... Or an experiment with animals... - Do you think that's a good idea? - No. I don't. Now I've been here for 15 years. I've never experienced an inmate who had a positive effect from challenges. But you have to try something? They are never getting out of here. So you are giving up on them? They are going to be in a cell for the rest of their life. They die after 50 year and we bury them. Nobody will miss them. So it is. You must believe development is possible. You are the priest. Believe what you want. If you ask me... Leave them alone. Turn up the medicine and let's hope they won't grow to old.. I have to show you something. Come with me. This is here she lost it. 03-06 got a bird. This is what she got out of having a bird. Anxiety and pain. It can show interesting results but it takes months to stabilize her. - And what about him? The boy. - Yes. What about him? - What do you know about his background? - We know what we need to know. He killed to innocent people with no reason. Now he is receiving medicine to sleep and to wake up. - Has he got a journal? - Yes. Can I see it? - You don't back off? - Well, no. I'll be right back. Here's something to read. Thank you. I can't look out for you all night. - You're off your head. - Oh, no... I'm a priest. Yes. You know the rules. If something is up, you know... I also couldn't fall asleep. I read about you grandfather. His name was Valde. Per Valdemar. Valde is none of your fucking business. I had a grandfather once. He is dead now. I really didn't like him. He was a tough man. Especially towards kids. I couldn't do anything right. I actually think he's the reason I wanted to be a priest. You don't even believe in God. A priest who doesn't believe in God, can't understand me. Give me at change to understand. Valde died. The fox killed it. But it came back. How can you be sure that it's not the same cat? It knew everything about me. Goddamn. Valde knew everything... about the harp of the sky, the frogs and oysters. I didn't believe it either. A cat that rises from the grave. A cat that speaks. It's insane. But he did. He made me happy. Valde was inside me. Everywhere. Like the sun, light... We laughed and talked. He even made me cry. But why did you choke it? - He convinced me. - About what? That we were going home. Together. Therefore, it came back to... get you? I said I didn't want to. He said I was scared and I didn't dare to do it. Yes... I can understand that. When we woke up the next morning I understood everything. Then i said: "I'm not scared anymore. But you have you go first Valde." I really wanted to go home again. We were going to live in my grandfather's house together. I thought it sounded great. In my grandfather's house there is a lot of apartments. If not, I would have said to you that I'm leaving and arranging a place for you to be. - And when I'm gone... - To arrange a place for you... Then I will come back to you because I shall be where ever you are. Will you tell me about you grandfather? - I don't want to! - Come on! Stop it. (Swedish) Five minutes, honey! Hallo? Goddamn, didn't you hear what I said? I don't want him here. I can't have him here...! - Don't make a mess of my things. - I can't have him here! I said no, goddamn! I see that you made a mess in my stuff. You're still a bastard. - You can't come along with... - It's called grandchildren. - Does he talk Swedish? - No. But he's good at crying. (Danish) Aren't you? Have a good time, darling. (Swedish) You can teach him some of your religious nonsense. Stop crying! Stop it! Don't cry! Sleep well. Hallo! Kid? Hallo! Where the hell are you? Can't you here me calling? Hallo! Little brat! Why the hell aren't you answering? (Danish) I don't understand anything that you are saying! Okay, and then you just... Then you just shut up? Your mother will probably ask for you when she need maintenance payments. Our Father 568 01:09:43,320 -- 01:09:45,839 in heaven hallowed be your name Your Kingdom come, your will be done, On earth as in heaven... - I'm sorry, Grandfather. - Valde. My name is Valde. You're just a little heathen. But that's going to chance. - Not lemon, but sugar. - Not on my oyster. - Oister...? - Oyster. Now eat. Come. Your job is to guard the frogs. To protect them. - Guard? - Yes. Against snakes, foxes and the lynx. - The lynx? - Yes. The Swedish tiger. - The lynx. - And against mom? Yes. She has kissed many frogs, but none of them turned into a prince. We thank you our Father in heaven for the protection you have given us today. Forgive us our sins, and guard us tonight we confide in you with our body and soul, I place everything in your hands. Can you read? _ Not much. - Can you read a little bit? "My". "Her"... "His". - No! - Yes, "his". What the hell? Goddamn! Remember your medicine. "And the sky was completely covered by Messerschmitt bombers" "ready to bring death and destruction over the cities of Europe." "Then the first airplane came rumbling through the skies." Listen to the harp of the sky. The harp of the sky is singing. Is it that sound "ouii, ouiii"? - What is the harp of the sky? - I think it's God. Sometimes he sings like that. - Is it something you know? - I think it's him. - What is he singing about? - I almost know it. But... you have learn to listen if you want to understand it. - Can't he speak? - No. However, he is good at singing, if you understand it. Valde... Can you always hear God sing? No. Only in the hour of the lynx. The hour of the lynx? The hour beside the others. The 25. hour. Right now. A hour, where we are the most happy, little Lasse. Come here. - Hallo. - Hallo. - Did you sleep all right? - Yes. Fine. - I feel terrible. - Lisbeth, the commission is waiting. Yes. I catch you later. Hallo. - Are you leaving now? - Yes, in a short while. May I give you absolution for your sins? Come and sit here... On your knees. God, you know our secret thoughts, the deepest meaning of our words and actions. In the name of the father, for his sins and death... This is the most holy. This is where, I've been and observed. - Come inside. - Thank you. He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ. Peace be with you. Now you may stand up. You smell like my mom when she was nice. Lisbeth, I'm sorry... But I don't feel like the management have kept their promises. I strongly feel that I owe you my gratitude. Thank you. Thank you Knud. - Drive safe. - Thank you. Helen! I just wanted to say goodbye ... before I go the commission. - Have you said goodbye to the boy? - Yes. Let's hope he gets better. A little holiday would be good for you. Yes. - Thank you for the help. - No problem. It has to be now! Lisbeth? Yes, hallo? (Swedish) Your mother has called. She needs the maintenance payments. She will come and get you on Monday. So this is the place where strangers had taken possession of his paradise. Here he had done something terrible. I burred him with is cat, even though that's illegal. The following year I quit my job. Maybe it was stupid, but if you are starting to see God as a red cat and grandfathers house as love, then it's hard to stay. I learned something that day with the boy. Something that has helped me and that will help me when I shall die. I hope I will die lying in the armpit of God... In front of the window in grandfathers house. White snow and full moon. Listening to the harp of the sky, the telephone wires, that sings. Then maybe I will understand how everything is connected. English subtitles By Jenslyn123 Mike, why don't you explain to us how you write? How I write? What I do is think. Observe things. And I write. It has been two years now since I began to write. And I have completed just a single ode. From all my efforts I haven't it is the only one I have finished. I see the stairs of poetry are very steep. And I will never rise beyond this first step where I am now. STORY OF MY DEATH Your master seemed quite dishevelled, was he not? I noticed you yourself insinuated so to me. It must be rather awkward to live with a man like that. With me you will learn and I shall pay you in full. And this man no longer sees people... because he has taken to writing obsessively? Is that so? This man writes, does he not? I saw he wished to write but those that say they wish to write, seldom do. - He doesn't write, does he? - No. You can tell by the way he is withdrawn. If one does not move one cannot write. Writing is ahead of you, never within you. "The Edifying Lives of Seven Young Girls". But it is written by an abbot. You might as well throw it on the fire. Well... you can make something of it, if you wish. It mentions ladies' names, but it's all so... Is it no good? "Humanity suffers" "the Gospel condemns" "sorrows" "sufferings" "virgins", "mortifications" "enemies of good health"... We'll throw it away then. What is more, they are all Christians. "Beauties of religion". But this man writes very well, magnificent. It doesn't really matter if they speak about Christianity. They touch on good ideas when they know how to. and this man knows a great deal about etymology. I couldn't care less... for any of that. Etymology? I care for title deeds... which I believe we shall find and that shall bring me money. "About" "the snake's venom". "Terror, tombs". These Christians are no fun. So you don't care much for any of that? They're frightening and cause much pain. We must ventilate here in haste open the windows, these books will do no good... to the girls who come here to study. Hey, hold on! This runs through my veins. Voltaire! We were once friends but ended up on very bad terms. "Strange Peculiarities of Life and Death". "Life" is already here. But this must be by someone else already writing about Voltaire? He's certainly become famous this man, so quickly? Look. It must be written by another priest. From Rome! It's published in Paris, but it comes from Rome. This Voltaire... he's made a great deal of money. Did you fight with him? Badly. - Did you quarrel? - Badly. Now, during your stay here... I'll make sure someone keeps an eye on you. See? I'll see that someone keeps an eye on you. Who? One of the girls? I cannot tell you who. I'll find I'll find one that follows you. Be careful, don't lose your page. Here,take the edge. Hold it here. I won't have enough of these. I shall bring you a few more. Cities welcome you, openly. There are always fair ladies around the ambassadors. The rulers, as in France listen to... people who, like me open. They know the revolution is coming. And the ladies? Do you always have to be with them? How do you manage it? I pay. I never buy. I do not seek. I am attentive... and when they so desire it... I serve them. The way the Spanish have of approaching women violently is not good for pleasure... and they do not enjoy it at all. Some perhaps... Violence can be no more... than a final gesture. A blow against hesitation. Necessary. We are so terrified... They are not sweet enough, eh? Each seed leads me to an idea. Now that I have grown old... I shall write my memoirs. Really? Each seed will be a chapter. My memoirs shall not be gossip. Nothing sentimental. It shall tell of the cities of Europe... the falling of empires... the new science. A little astronomy, a great deal of reality and facts. Facts. So you you absorbed many things? One has to experiment. There are thinking machines... that come from Germany writing machines,the French, very good, very good. Excellent comedies. Better than in England. And then there are fornication contraptions that come from Rome. Fornication contraptions? That is... Devices for women? Groups of two four, six, seven... We have been testing a new one now with Pompeu. But he is a very amorous man. He falls in love easily and... You must always hold the desire to marry but you must always have a way out or several. If you surrender, you are a man or woman lost to religion. Love is contrary to the tyranny of domesticity. One must travel a great deal. Are you fond of men? In what manner? No? I like women. To watch them and wonder... Wonder what? What they're like... - You... - I do not have your experience. I do not have experience... it is they who have the experience. I do not think about them. They think through me. Is that so? I suppose you write verses that speak of love. You don't write verses against religion, do you? No. And philosophical prose? More romantic. Verses hidden within prose? Yes. Better to conserve your silence. All women are the same. Yes. They don't think, "they are", "they want to be". These women will cause a rage in times to come. What will come? The revolution. Heads will roll. France is about to fall. The King... take the great monarch! There! - Le r-oie! - r-oie! Good liver. Pompeu, what is this letter doing here? They brought it for you yesterday. I told you I did not wish to see another letter. Whatever it may concern. I shall bring you no more, then. It's finished. What is more, they distract me. I must invest all my time in writing. Sir, you must grant me a loan... as the cards have ruined me completely. I know how to play, but I have no luck. I am always dealt a poor hand. You should play with marked cards or not play at all. That is how we managed to stroll through the courts winning and losing but we always won something or other. The world is full of fools. I made a great sum of money by setting up the lottery. But they wouldn't let me repeat the enterprise elsewhere. I gained a lot. Everything! I am obsessed with the idea of writing a dictionary of cheeses. Are there many kinds? I care not for the quantity, nor the order nor the origin... just the words. To be able to express things through words and the names of cheeses. There are many, aren't there? A multitude. This dictionary will be very important. But I think I will write... the memoirs first, I'm preparing them now. How smothered you are with chocolate. Push! A rosary... of bonbons! Magnificent! Push! Push, push! I'm intoxicated! That's a hefty present. Pompeu! Look how splendid, Montaigne says: "Rome would be prettier if it didn't have so many churches". Really? But Rome without churches...? You've won again. I beg your pardon? You've won again. Nothing left? I am completely ruined. Have you no reserves? Many people are ruined now. No doubt. You will be in good company. It's not my turn, is it? Nor mine. You've hidden your cards again. - Is this yours? - No. I can't even win a round. Can you hold your cards where we can see them, please? Calm down. What are you trying to do, cheat? That doesn't count, holding your cards under the table. Compose yourself. Don't get upset. You'll have to lend me more money. It's a while yet before night falls. These trees are full of jam. Shall I help you sit up? You'll feel better. - I'm fine. - Let me help you. The wrist! - More. Sit straight. - No, it's fine. - Like so? - Yes, yes. Lean back, because... - Yes, lean... I'll help you. - Don't worry, now it's fine. - Like so? - Yes. - Are you alright? - I am now. What were you saying about the trees? They're full of jam? Yes. I don't see them pissing, these horses. Now I can see how the cart may have tilted. I was afraid I might lose you. If I lost you I'd have nothing left. And I can already see myself here... old... alone dying... Are you afraid of death? It's a little frightening. What's the matter? Cover your eyes. Don't look. What gives you greater peace of mind: the Church, the Palace... the Forest? I see you are at ease in the forest... but today you seem frightened. I trust you more here... We're "holding the reins firmly"... All women are the same. Look what a beautiful image. What a smell of damp... It is a way of entering the loving machine, that. The road is getting troublesome. Now we might well be overturned! The whole thing creaks. Hold on tight. Here, History shall not be broken once more? My word... Don't you like this half-light? Not much... But it's nice. It reminds me of undergarments. Doesn't it make you think of tulles and sheers... They're a soft pair of knickers, these are. These horse keepers always cheat us! You look like you work more than just the land. Is there any authentic research in these fields? Do you practice alchemy? You don't fool me... I see through you. I know your kind. I've been behind all this for many years. Are you stirring shit as well? I'll keep my eye on you. Have you ever been to the Wolfenbüttel Library? It's a famous library where I had the pleasure of reading the classics: Horace, Ovid and I devoted myself to translation. It all began when I was in the city... bored, with nothing left and I still wanted to keep touring the world. But I didn't have a penny, and I was obliged to request... a loan... and a Jew... endowed me the money in exchange for a guarantee. I know that usury makes the world go round... and I don't mind paying. But worse than that this fellow did not trust the certificates I had given him. What certificates did you have to give him? Papers, documents jewels... nothing special. In the end... the King of Prussia, my good friend showed his friendship and stuck his neck out for me once more. But as the Jew... was still apprehensive that was when I went to the library... and as I said, to continue working on translations and extraordinary readings. The sovereigns steal the peoples' money. And Jews? Jews are merely traffickers. Theirs is a noble cause. Where were you? Your mother doesn't know, does she? What will you tell her? Nothing. You two are always chattering with her. Yes. But she won't believe us anymore. She always believes Clara. Not me. Not at all. Because I don't trick her. Are you going to bed? Yes, right away. But it's too bright... And it bothers you? Of course, she was the same age as you. Who? The girl with the long hair. Black hair wasn't it? I don't know who you are talking about. The girl that went missing. The one who went away. I was just thinking about it. Where did you get this armour from? It's very poor metal. Even if you were to melt it down... you wouldn't get anything out of it. It is full of dried blood. Whoever was alive in here... can tell us nothing... of passing away. Nobody knows anything. They've made it all up. Did you have a near-death experience when they opened your chest? Do you believe in the after life? You are a wise man, surely you are not one of those that believe in the plague of Christianity. I've cut myself. Irons! We should make a deal, you and I. The first one to die... should come back to tell the other what he has seen in the afterlife. There is no moral experience... or knowledge. Nothing is carried over... or transferred into the beyond. It's just... atoms. You know this all too well. you have learned so in here through chemistry. My friend got married as planned. I had to pay half to someone of great beauty and education so he could marry the youngest girl. I paid exactly two hundred Roman Ducats. It was a business arranged between the Cardinal the nun... A system they lived by in Rome at the time. The Cardinal... was the only one who had any power and the man had to ask his permission... to marry the girl. You would have lived in total darkness there. I accompanied my friend and was taken a back by the way they lived because my friend, who was in love... he couldn't see the girl. I had to draw up a document which all the girls who were shut away in there signed so they could at least open the windows. That is how I fell in love... with the sister's friend. Have you ever been locked away? It's very harsh. In a convent? In fact, they wouldn't even be able to shut you away in a place like that. Had you been born in Rome... in some place of good fortune there would surely have been someone who would have placed a fine wager so that when you reached eighteen you would be freed and pretty as you are. I told my friend... I was a married man not because I was but so as not to feel more involved than I should. I explained this to the Countess and she saw to it that these girls, before entering into marriage could acquire knowledge... beyond what is taught in the convent: reading practicing music and to top it all off, opera. We went to a concert and as is the custom in Rome we ordered oysters. It cost me a fortune, eh you? Too much. Have you ever tried oysters? They haven't either. Splendid moments in life. Pour them some wine. Good man you've got some nice fillies there eh... Give them some grapes. Delfina! Clara! It's all inscribed here. Wait, wait. Carmen! Carmen! Carmen! Here you are! What are you doing? I'm tired of you pleasing yourself all day long. Move it, go inside the house. Sitting here all day! Are you coming or not? We've got work to do, come with me. Come on Carmen! I worked alone all day and I'm tired. You don't put your hands to work at all! No. Move, move! Go into the house and make yourself useful. There's so much work to do and you are lazy. Carmen! Here, Clara. Why don't you help me? I do help you. You only help Delfina. I help you both. I'm always on my own. What are you laughing at? Oh, nothing... You're laughing because it's true. You look mean when you laugh like that. Don't you like me? Does your wrist hurt? When are you two leaving? Do they like it? A lot. Are you upset? You seem annoyed, eh? Leave the servant girl alone. I think you're getting worked up over nothing. It's excessive, what you do. Wouldn't you take advantage if you could? Before, you understood women much more. They are the wicked ones. Between the servant girls this time you have limited yourself too strictly to the brunette. Don't frighten it! Clara! What is that? What is it? Blood. Is that blood? Sap. Sap? A heart... or a mushroom? Blood from the tree? This tree, Sir, is magical. Is it red blood from the trees? I don't know. - And yours? - Yes. Are you no longer in the company of your father? What do you mean? I have seen you doing odd jobs... No, I don't work for him anymore. So why don't you follow me up to the castle? I'm quite alright with my father. You could help me greatly. I've never been to the other side. It wouldn't be hard for you to cross the river on a boat! But do you live alone? Not exactly. I would be generous to your family, as well. I don't think my father will allow me. But once he sees the advantages he will let you cross. And if needs be I'll send someone to bring you over. My father is very religious. In my castle... Christianity has no place. And what goes on there? We go way beyond. What should I do? You would enter... another world. Yes, but what should I do? You could become a damsel. You could learn to read to paint... maybe you could even bring your maids. The three of us can come together? It would be an honour for me. They are very tender. See how it's become? You said it was magic. Look. - Not near me... When men lose their authority as happened in the Old Testament a stick turns into a snake. "Thou shalt crawl upon thy belly all the days of thy life". He says to the woman. He shows you his tongue. That's the way it goes... The snake has touched this, lets put it to one side... Clara... What? She has very fair skin, this girl. Yes. Shall we put this here? She is not fond of tomfoolery. What is this horn from? A cow? A bull? A sheep? They kill oxen here. It's an ox. It's a sacred ritual they must carry out close by. It's magic. It's magic. From... the grounds of a rhinoceros horn... How can they do that? Which material does it grow from, this horn? The grounds of the rhinoceros horn... taken as a drink give you sexual fortitude. The juice of oysters as well. Sometimes I learn more from you than from books. Don't you think that sometimes they put lies in books? There is always one or another. Those on theology have fallen. Not a single one sustains... The French philosophers have dismantled all their theories. They always slip one in. And before... music was performed in the Church. Now all the chaplains are leaving it aside. There won't be any left. It's their loss. - "Their"? ... What? They had... They will cease to be passionate men. That priest who is so successful... Who is he? Vivaldi? I don't know any priests. He is fond of little boys. And he has more freedom within the Church than we do outside. And what does he say? Mass? Or nothing much? They know he touches little boys and girls. We don't. They are huge, these trees. Thousands of years old, or millions of years. Are they going to slice it open? Have you seen the expression, on its face? From a certain point onwards they start to repaint it. It looks like a Minotaur... Look how his leg twitches, see? We are done with allegories. This is Reality, eh? The smell of blood. It has a remarkable presence. Did he hurt himself? Where is your master? The master has gone for a wander. Alone? Very much alone. But he'll be back. And how do you know he is not with Delfina? Here, eh? Right here. Do you not feel different? Everything has opened out within you... and from now on you can spawn children. I don't want children. Carmen! Carmen! Carmen! Carmen! Carmen! Clara! Before, leeches were used as a cure for suffering girls. They sucked their blood. Only girls? Girls with rotten blood. They were cured. Now we have Medicine. Were you ever taken ill? No. Are you still afraid? Yes. Of what? Of bears and of men. Which men? Casanova... and Pompeu. You should be more wicked. You are too innocent. No. You don't fool me... I don't know how to deal with them. Go and see what it is. I can't see anything. There is nobody here. They are at the graveyard. Christians! Don't worry. There is nothing to be afraid of. Did you think you might find Delfina here? Should she be coming? No. You're lucky she's not here. She's wicked. I don't find her wicked. She's capable of throwing you over the edge. What would she gain from throwing me over the edge? I don't know. You know she goes out at night? No. Well now you know. What is she doing during the night? One night we should go and spy on her. Do you find her pretty? Yes, a lot. And me? I like you both the same. If you knew what she got up to you wouldn't be so fond of her. What do you mean? You can't do good things at night when you leave your house. That father... Your father... We'll shame him... We must make the most of the night. Don't you think? We have to... We have to... We have to punish him. I told you so. We'll leave him to bleed like a pig. Like a calf. He won't escape. You live misguided. That's worth something! "To turn shit into gold"! You'll get pregnant. He has shed it all. Did you like that, father? Was it enough? He had it coming... He couldn't even read. He wore a wig all unruly he could barely even speak. He spoke French... and to this day, I still don't know why. Me, I never understood what he was saying. I stayed for years. And he never left the castle. He was very boring. The second one is completely different. He is always travelling. To Rome, Italy... Russia... He knows how to read very well indeed. And he's written several books. Now I am content. I'm very happy. And when he sees maidens he is happier still. From time to time he sits and cries all alone. Because he is a bit sad. But he is always in high spirits. On the other hand, the first one was always depressed. He wasn't worth the while. On the other hand, the second... works wonderfully. "To feel..." "To believe..." "To possess..." Jay, have you seen the grapes? - Yeah. I ate them. - Why would you eat the grapes? They were in a bowl. They were washed. I paid for them. They were for the New Year's. Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again? It's not goofy. It's a tradition. At midnight you eat 12 grapes. You make 12 wishes, one for each month of the year. And you really think that works? Five years ago I was a single mother living in a slum. Today I'm driving to Palm Springs... in my new car with my rich husband. You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes. For New Year's Eve we're taking Phil and Claire and Mitch and Cam... to this amazing hotel I used to go to in Palm Springs. They got a whole package- dinner, dancing, toast at midnight. I mean, what more do you need? Grapes. I said we'd stop on the way. Haley, it's New Year's Eve. You sure you don't want to go to a party or something? And listen to all my friends talk about how awesome college is? I know how awesome college is. That's what got me kicked out. I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel much better leaving Lily here... - knowing that you're in charge. - Oh. You know you're really in charge, right? How do you know I don't have a party? Okay, fine. Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover with your cousins? Who's watching me? - Haley. - I'm serious. - Alex. - Okay. Let's go. Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" So we were happy that Jay planned this whole thing. It really takes the pressure off of having to outdo ourselves. Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last year? Oh. Did we miss it? It's only 10:00. What? It's only 10:00. What? It's only 10:00! ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey♪ ♪ Huh. Place is smaller than I remember. Smaller is your issue? When was the last time that you were here, Jay? Not that long ago. In 1974, '75. So when I was two? I don't like when you do that. I checked the Web site. The pictures look beautiful. Oh! Lizard. Hey. Ew. Never trust pictures on the Internet. Shoot it from the right angle, you can make anything look bigger and better. Houses, you pervs. He's a Realtor. I thought I heard voices. Robby, I told you. It's people. Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years. Okay, you be her and I'll be whoever left her. We're checking in. It's under "Pritchett." Jay Pritchett, three rooms. Oh. You've been with us before. How old is that book? Oh, there is something sticky over here. Robby? It came back. That's not possible. Okay, so the place is not what it used to be, but we're gonna have fun. Dining in the Starlight Room. Little dancing with the Shelly Stroman Trio. Oh, there's just two left. Here are your keys. Checkout's at 11:00, but if you want to stay longer- No, 11:00 is good. Here we go. Oh. Is there anything wrong? No, no. We were just hoping for something a little more romantic. Come on, now. It's not that bad. What's in there? Nothing. If you're looking for romance, there's a secluded hot spring nearby. Kind of a hidden gem. Huh. Just follow the path... right by the 12th hole of the golf course. Wow. That sounds kind of nice. Secluded, natural. Sexy. Sexy. What do you think, Phil? Does it smell like eggs? Some of 'em smell like eggs. It's been a while since Phil and I- The whole month of December, not even a-Mm-hmm or a quick- You know. It's embarrassing. And it's not like us. That's making me anxious, which is why I really need to get- Thanks again. Yeah, that's yours to keep. Okay. Bye now. I say we bag dinner with my dad and go find that hot spring. Honey, we can't just ditch your father. He wanted us all to be together. We are always together. Oh, my God. What are we gonna hear that we've never heard before? Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Lily saved that kid with the Heimlich? Please. She hugged him, and he spit his gum out. I say we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits. That does sound hot. Mm-hmm. I'd just be thinking about your dad the whole time. I'm gonna hop in the shower. What's in there? Nothing. Oh. Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any socks, someone left one in the bed. My gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to the Beacon. What's the Beacon? The club that he's always raving about. It's right down the street. That's where we should go. Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still young... ish. Let's get out of dinner and go there. - How? - I don't know. Um-Okay, okay. You could pretend to get sick at the table. You know, fake a cough, stomachache- Dealer's choice. I don't care. Just sell it and get us out of there. But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together. We are always together. How many times do we have to hear Claire tell us... Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician? Gosh, we should start calling her Ranch House, because she doesn't have a second story. So good. I know. Thank you. Hey. You sure you don't want to play The Hunger Games with all of us? My whole life is a Hunger Game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you? That's for me. - Hey. Come on in. - Hi. Hey, I'm out. This is Becca and her cousin Joyce. Joyce is for you. What? I'm on a date? But I'm not wearing any cologne. Did you know this was happening? I don't even know what this is. - Joyce, this is Manny. - Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider? He's not how you described him. Don't worry. You'll love him. Manny, say something romantic. I can't just turn it on. You say something romantic. Cool shirt. - Aw. Can I see your room? - Well, I didn't clean it for me. What- They're going upstairs, alone. Is that even allowed? I don't know. Should we say something? Like what? Like "It's not okay"? Well, maybe it is. Is it? I don't know. I just feel like we're not doing our job as babysitters. Of course we are. I'm cold, and I saw a coyote. And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?" Hand to God. Dr. B. told me himself. You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place. I know it's a little rough around the edges, but I've always had a good time here, and I'm having a great time tonight. Mmm. - How's your chicken Kiev? - It's really good. Tasty. Yeah. It tastes like Russia. What are you waiting for? Get sick. Not yet. I'll know when it's time. Honey. Ay. You're sleeping. I was? Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire. It wasn't because you were telling again the Luke-and-the-doctor story. It's just that I've been so tired lately. Oh. Oh, gosh. Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all day. Yeah, I think I might be coming down with a little something. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I know. I drank out of her glass earlier. No. She's stealing our excuse. What? Honey. Wake up, Gloria! Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink-eye. I'm gonna walk her upstairs. I think you need to lie down. Okay. Just a little disco nap. Okay. This has been fun. No, no, no, no. Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon as I can. There it is. Now? No, I have something stuck in my throat. It's too bad Lily's not here to give you the Heimlich. Did we ever tell you guys that story? Do you wanna tell it? Yeah, let me tell it. Jay, you should go back and spend time with your family. I can't leave you alone on New Year's Eve, even though everyone's waiting for me to come back. Aw, that's so sweet. Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up... the lighting of the cherries jubilee. Jay, if you really want to go and-Okay. Where'd everybody go? I don't know. I guess they all left. You still want the cherries jubilee? Light 'er up. Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett. It isn't. It's- It's Jay Pritchett. You having a good New Year's? Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on me. I'm gonna hit the sack. Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us. You play hold 'em? Yeah, but I should probably, uh- What's the buy-in? Jay- Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs- How ya doin', Jay? My ex-husband Hugo- Hi. How you doing? And Billy Dee. Hey. Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams? I'm a huge fan. Well, now you'll have to stay, since none of these guys have seen me in anything since Mahogany. - Never even saw that. - Me either. You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago... rather than become an international model and designer. My son made me watch it with him. He's gay. Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Excuse me! Sir, excuse me. He's doing this on purpose. He probably just doesn't notice us. How can he not notice us? We're the only people in here in sleeves. Hey there. What can I get for ya? Excuse me, young man. I was here first. Young man? Why don't you just call him whippersnapper? This is ridiculous. We can't even get a drink. Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot! If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now. Hi. Yeah, and if we'd stayed put, we'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right now. Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on. It's New Year's Eve. We're out together. Where's fun Cam who likes to dance? Here. Wh-Where-Where is he? I'm over here. Oh, there he is! Come on! Okay, I'm sorry. I was just feeling invisible. It'll get better. Okay, you know what? That is wet. I'm done. Oh! God! God, no! Oh! They've been in there forever. Do something. You're in charge. Oh, please. We both know I'm just the figurehead here. You really think they're doing something in there? He's 12. He's 14, but it's touching how close you are. Fine. What do you want? You have to keep your door open. - Why? - Uh, well, why do you need it closed? - Because we're gonna make out. - Oh. Um- Well, you- You can't have your door closed. Why? Do you wanna watch or something? That's weird. Ew! Ew! Of course we don't wanna watch. Perfect. But you can't- What are you d- What just happened? Can I offer you a piña Delgado? It's my own concoction. What's in it? Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy. I'm not saying that. I'm not drinking it either. So, you making any resolutions? Yeah. No more blind dates. You're mean. You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean. I've been a gracious host, while you've been rude, sullen and dull. You'll forgive me if I choose not to start the new year on such a negative note. Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth. Where is this stupid path? We've been walking forever. We'll find it. Did that bellman seem a little off to you? Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring. Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us. Why would you even say that? I'm just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so tense. Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun. I don't wanna have an adventure. I don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex with you. Wha-What? Don't make me say it again. No, I want you to say it again. Maybe throw my name in there this time. Claire, what's going on? Do you know that it's been a month? No, it hasn't. Mm-hmm. Yes, it has. Mm-hmm. Day after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, and you know how that gets me going. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made that joke about your clothes being half off. And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the kind of people we used to be. What happened? Nothing happened. We're busy. It was the holidays. Dede was here. You know, she has a way of-Mmm. Shutting that whole thing down. But is this who we are now? I mean, first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "Mother." And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're just like my grandp- Let's go find that hot spring... and start this new year off with- sex in a hot spring. Mmm. All right, all right. Where-Where should we try next? Am I yelling? I'm yelling. Yes. Yeah. Maybe we should just go get some frozen yogurt... and call it a night. No, Cam, come on. We can't have another New Year's... where we don't even make it to midnight. I- This entire holiday is just a giant reminder of how the clock is ticking. You know, each passing second is just bringing us that much closer to death. All this because I suggested some FroYo? I'm-I'm sick of feeling old. I-I really need this. Okay. Let's get you to midnight. 'Kay. Oh. Look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure we'll fit right in. Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle. Just not for us. No! Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was too young, the second was- whatever that was, and the third will be just right. Mitchell. Three bears. I mean-right? Here. This one. You wanted to feel young. And I do. I'm sorry. I push people away. I feel myself do it, but I can't stop. It's hard to like someone when you don't like yourself. You're right. You have so many good qualities. You're attractive, you're witty, you're bright. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Aw. You're such a good friend. Friend? That's where this is headed? Well, friendships last longer. Not this one. I've got enough friends. Happy New Year, Joyce. So what's the plan, Haley? I'm going in. That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this. The girls, the hormones-It's gross. We can't just barge in. I'm still trying to get the image of Mom and Dad out of my- Oh, God, it's back. I'm coming in! What are you doing? Just putting away some laundry. - That's a bra. And a tablecloth. - Can't you do this later? Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here? - Yes. - Does she know our parents aren't? Yeah. Big pause, no eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. - You're out. - No, she's not. Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13- Fourteen. Fourteen, and unless Nicole Bitchie here... wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied- I better go. Bye, Luke. Wait. Why does she have to go? - Because I said so. - You're not the boss. - Don't talk back to your sister. - Ugh! I hate you! You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me. I think I owe Mom a huge apology. Is anyone watching me? Aces and eights. Lady sings the blues. Three jacks. Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on Prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen. Well, that's it. I'm out. Me too. Oh, hell. It's almost 11:00. I gotta do my set in the Starlight Room, and I'm missing a pasty. What's the matter with everybody? It's early yet. Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time since I got here. Jay? How long has she been there? What are you doing here? Gloria, everybody ditched me, these guys invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to. - Uh- - She has no idea. Hello. I'm Billy Dee Williams. Hello. I'm Gloria the wife. Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my grapes. Did you try room service? They probably have grapes. Oh, nothing fresh. But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail. Jay, you know that I need real grapes for my wishes. It's a Colombian tradition. It's only moderately insane. I have grapes at my house. No, I don't want you to blow New Year's. Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Billy Dee. I like you, Billy Dee. So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes. Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I might have heard about that when I did that Love Boat with Charo. You know Charo? He's obsessed with Charo. No kidding. Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I have been in love with this car my whole life. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord. Ay. Would you like to drive it? Does the bear sit in the woods? Classic Charo. Mmm? So, was it worth my meltdown? It always is. Just you and me, under the desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia. Hey there. Oh, my God. Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome. Uh, welcome to what? To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer? No. I told them. Robby. So I-Whoa. Nude Year's Eve? You said Nude Year's Eve. It's clever. Yeah. We're the Palm Springs Nudist Association. It's how we celebrate the new year. - I can see. - Fresh. Like newborns. - Naked. - Yeah. I got that. We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here. Our clothes are trapped under that pile. You really wanna stand there naked... sifting through all those drawstring pants? - Okay. Scooting over. - Just scootch in. Okay. Scootin'. Oh. Oh! Ha. Hey. Phil, something just touched me, and it's not from your side. Oh! Who wants champagne? Oh, I'll have some. Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach. Wow. Thank you. We've gotta make a run for it. Well, now it's just gonna seem rude. Phil! I love this car so much! Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee? A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. And just call me Billy. Not doin' it. And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there. Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. Thank you. Thank- They can't hear me. Thank you! This is what models must feel like. Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you... you look like a young Van Johnson? Oh, no. That-That's so sweet though. Thank you. Mmm. Free pass? Pull up Van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that. He was gorgeous. You're fine. This is nice, huh? Compliments, free drinks. What could be better? All right, gentlemen. Almost midnight. Pucker up. New Year's is so weird, the way it makes you think about time. Ten, nine- Cam. I think that's why... people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun. ...seven, six, five- I mean, I guess I sort of get it. ...four, three, two, one! Quick, quick. Make your wishes. Like right now I wish I could just slow down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to grow up yet. I know. I want him to stay our stupid little brother. Hey, happy New Year. You too. Oh, my God. What is in this? Oh. Sorry. That one's mine. Oh. And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear. I love this story. Almost as good as yours, Van Johnson. Oh, look. Here comes Jay. I feel bad he missed all this fun. Oh. Hi. Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams. Hey, hey. Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now. You must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you. Jay? Have you seen the grapes? - Yeah, I ate them. - Why would you eat the grapes? They were in a bowl, they were washed, I paid for them. They were for the New Year's. Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again? It's not goofy. It's a tradition. At midnight, you eat 12 grapes, you make 12 wishes, one for each month of the year. And you really think that works? Five years ago, I was a single mother living in a slum. Today, I'm driving to Palm Springs in my new car with my rich husband. You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes. For New Year's Eve, we're taking Phil and Claire and Mitch and Cam to this amazing hotel I used to go to in Palm Springs. They got a whole package-- dinner, dancing, toast at midnight. I mean, what more do you need? - Grapes. - I said we'd stop on the way. Haley, it's New Year's Eve. Are you sure you don't wanna go to a party or something? And listen to all my friends talk about how awesome college is? I know how awesome college is. That's what got me kicked out. Well, I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel much better leaving Lily here knowing that you're in charge. You know you're really in charge, right? How do you know I don't have a party? Okay, fine. Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover with your cousins? Who's watching me? - Haley. - I'm serious. Alex. Okay, let's go. Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" So we were happy that Jay planned this whole thing. It really, you know, takes the pressure off of having to outdo ourselves. Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last year? Oh. Did we miss it? - Mm? - It's only 10:00. - What? - It's only 10:00. - What? - It's only 10:00. Place is smaller than I remember. Smaller's your issue? When was the last time that you were here, Jay? Not that long ago. 1974, '75. So when I was 2? I don't like when you do that. I checked the web site. The pictures looked beautiful. Oh! Lizard. Huh? Never trust pictures on the Internet. Shoot it from the right angle, you can make anything look bigger and better. Houses, you pervs. He's a realtor. I thought I heard voices. Robby! I told you! It's people. Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years! Okay, you be her, and I'll be whoever left her. Uh, we're checking in. It's under Pritchett. Jay Pritchett. Three rooms. You've been with us before. How old is that book? Oh, there is something sticky over here. Robby! It came back. It's not possible. Okay, so the place is not what it used to be. But we're gonna have fun. Dining in the starlight room, little dancing with the Shelley Stroman trio. Oh, there's just two left. Here are your keys. Check out's at 11:00, but if you wanna stay longer-- No, 11:00 is good. Yeah. Here we go. Is there anything wrong? No, no. No, we were just hoping for something - a little more romantic. - Come on, now. It's not that bad. - What's in there? - Nothing. If you're looking for romance, there's a secluded hot spring nearby. - Kind of a hidden gem. - Huh? Just follow the path right by the 12th hole of the golf course. Wow. That sounds kinda nice. Secluded. Natural. - Sexy. - Sexy. What do you think, Phil? Does it smell like eggs? Some of them smell like eggs. It's been a while since Phil and I... The whole month of December? Or a quick... you know? It's embarrassing, and it's not like us. That's making me anxious, which is why I really need to get... Thanks again. Yeah, that's yours to keep. Okay. Bye now. I say we bag dinner with my dad, and go find that hot spring. Honey, we can't just ditch your father. He wanted us all to be together. We are always together. Oh, my God, what are we gonna hear that we've never heard before? Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Lily saved that kid with the heimlich? Please. She hugged him, and he spit his gum out. I say we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits. - That does sound hot. - Mm-hmm. But I'd just be thinking about your dad the whole time. I'm gonna hop in the shower. What's in there? - Nothing. - Oh. Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any socks, someone left one in the bed. Oh, my gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to The Beacon. What's The Beacon? The club that he's always raving about. It's right down the street. That's where we should go. Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still young... ish. L-let's get out of dinner and go there. - How? - I don't know. Um... okay, okay. Um, y-you could pretend to get sick at the table. You know, fake a cough, stomachache, dealer's choice. I don't care. Just sell it and get us out of there. But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together. We are always together. I mean, how many times do we have to hear Claire tell us Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician? Oh, gosh. We should start calling her "ranch house"... Because she doesn't have a second story. - So good. - I know! Thank you. Hey. You sure you don't wanna play "The hunger games" with all of us? My whole life is a hunger game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you? That's for me! Hey. Come on in. Hey. Hi. Hey, I'm out. This is Becca and her cousin Joyce. And Joyce is for you. What? I'm on a date? But I'm not wearing any cologne. Did you know this was happening? I don't even know what this is. Joyce, this is Manny. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider? He's not how you described him. Uh, don't worry. You'll love him. Manny, say something romantic. I can't just turn it on. You say something romantic. - Cool shirt. - Aw! Can I see your room? Well, I didn't clean it for me. W-- They're going upstairs alone. - Is that even allowed? - I don't know. - Should we say something? - Like what? Like, "it's not okay"? Well, maybe it is. Is it? I don't know. I just feel like we're not doing our job as babysitters. Of course we are. I'm cold, and I saw a coyote. ...And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?" Hand to God! Dr. B. told me himself! You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place. I know it's a little rough around the edges, but I've always had a good time here, and I'm having a great time tonight. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. How's your chicken Kiev? - It's really good. - It's very good. - Tasty. - Yeah, tastes like Russia. What are you waiting for? Get sick. Not yet. I'll know when it's time. - Honey. - Ay. - You were sleeping. - I was. Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire. It wasn't because you were telling again the Luke and the doctor story. It's just that I've been so tired lately. Oh. Oh, gosh. - Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all day. - Oh. Yeah, you know. - I think I might be coming down with a little something. - Oh, man. Oh, my God. I know. I drank out of her glass earlier. - No. She's stealing our excuse. - What? Honey. Wake up, Gloria! Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink eye. I'm gonna walk her upstairs. I think you need to lie down. Okay. Just a little disco nap. - Okay. - Well, this has been fun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon as I can. There it is. Now? No, I have something stuck in my throat. It's too bad Lily's not here to give you the heimlich. Did we ever tell you guys that story? Do you wanna tell it? Yeah, let me tell it. Okay. Jay, you should go back and spend time with your family. I can't leave you alone on New Year's Eve, even though everyone's waiting for me to come back. Aw, that's so sweet. Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up the lighting of the cherries jubilee. Jay, if you really want to go and-- Okay. Where'd everybody go? I don't know. I guess they all left. You still want the cherries jubilee? Light 'er up. Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett. It isn't. It's-- it's Jay Pritchett. You having a good New Year's? Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on me. I'm gonna hit the sack. Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us. You play Hold'em? Yeah, but I should probably, uh... What's the buy-in? Jay... Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs... Hey. How ya doin', Jay? - My ex-husband Hugo... - Hey, how you doing? - And Billy Dee. - Hey. Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams? I'm a huge fan. Well, now you have to stay, since none of these guys have seen me in anything since "Mahogany." - Never even saw that. - Me either. You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago, rather than become an international model and designer. My son made me watch it with him. He's gay. Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Excuse me! Sir, excuse me! He's doing this on purpose! He probably just doesn't notice us. How can he not notice us? We're the only people in here in sleeves! - Hey there. - What can I get for ya? Excuse me, young man. I was here first. Young man? Why don't you just call him whipper-snapper? Ugh. This is ridiculous. We can't even get a drink. Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot! If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now. Hi. Yeah, and if we'd stayed put, we'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right now! Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on. It's new year's Eve. We're out together. Where's fun Cam who likes to dance? Here. Wh--where--where is he? - I'm over here. - Oh, there he is! - Come on! - Okay, I'm sorry. I was just feeling invisible! It'll get better! Okay, you know what? That is wet. I'm done. Oh! God! God, no! They've been in there forever. Do something. You're in charge. Oh, please. We both know I'm just a figurehead here. You really think they're doing something in there? He's 12. He's 14, but it's touching how close you are. Fine. What do you want? You have to keep your door open. - Why? - Uh, well, why do you need it closed? Because we're gonna make out. Well, you... You can't have your door closed. - Why? - Do you wanna to watch or something? That's weird. - Ew! - Ew! Of course we don't wanna watch. Perfect. - But you can't-- - What are you d-- What just happened? Can I offer you a pina Delgado? It's my own concoction. - What's in it? - Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy. I'm not saying that. I'm not drinking it, either. So... you making any resolutions? Yeah. No more blind dates. You're mean. You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean. I've been a gracious host while you've been rude, sullen, and dull. You'll forgive me if I choose not to start the new year on such a negative note. Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth. Where is this stupid path? We've been walking forever. We'll find it. Did that bellman seem a little off to you? Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring. Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us. Why would you even say that? I'm just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so tense. Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun. I don't wanna have an adventure. I don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex with you. Wha--what? Don't make me say it again. No, I want you to say it again. Maybe throw my name in there this time. Claire, what's going on? Do you know that it's been a month? - No, it hasn't. - Mm-hmm. Yes, it has. Mm-hmm. Day after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, and you know how that gets me going. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made that joke about your clothes being half-off. And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the kind of people we used to be. What happened? Nothing happened. We're busy. It was the holidays. Dede was here. - You know, she has a way of... - Mnh. Shutting that whole thing down. But is this who we are now? I mean, first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "mother." And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're just like my grandp-- Let's go find that hot spring and start this new year off with... - Sex in a hot spring. - Mmm. All right, all right. Where-- where should we try next? - Am I yelling? I'm yelling. - Yes. Yeah. Maybe we should just go get some frozen yogurt and call it a night. No, Cam, come on. We can't have another New Year's where we don't even make it to midnight. I... this entire holiday is just a giant reminder of how the clock is ticking. You know, each passing second is just bringing us that much closer to death. All this because I suggested some fro-yo? I'm... I'm sick of feeling old. I-I really need this. Okay. Let's get you to midnight. 'Kay. Oh, look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit right in. Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle. - Just not for us. - No! Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was too young, the second was... whatever that was, and the third will be just right. Mitchell... Three bears. I mean... right? Here. This one. You wanted to feel young. And I do. I'm sorry. I push people away. I feel myself do it, but I can't stop. It's hard to like someone when you don't like yourself. You're right. You have so many good qualities. You're attractive, you're witty, you're bright. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Aw, you're such a good friend. Friend? That's where this is headed? Well... friendships last longer. Not this one. I've got enough friends. Happy New Year, Joyce. So what's the plan, Haley? I'm going in. That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this. The girls, the hormones-- it's gross. Well, we can't just barge in. I'm still trying to get the image of mom and dad out of my... Oh, God, it's back. I'm coming in! What are you doing? Just putting away some laundry. That's a bra. And a tablecloth. Can't you do this later? Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here? - Yes. - Does she know our parents aren't? Yeah. Big pause, no eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. - You're out. - No, she's not. Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13... - 14. - 14, and unless Nicole Bitchie here wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied... I better go. Bye, Luke. Wait. Why does she have to go? - Because I said so. - You're not the boss. Don't talk back to your sister. Ugh! I hate you! You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me! I think I owe mom a huge apology. Is anyone watching me? Aces and eights. Lady sings the blues. Three Jacks. Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen. Well, that's it. I'm out. Me, too. Oh, hell, it's almost 11:00. I gotta do my set in the starlight room, and I'm missing a pasty. Oh, what's the matter with everybody? It's early yet. Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time since I got here. Jay? How long has she been there? What are you doing here? Gloria... Everybody ditched me, these guys invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to. - Eh... - Oh, she has no idea. Hello, I'm Billy Dee Williams. Hello. I'm Gloria Dee wife. Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my grapes. Did you try room service? They probably have grapes. Oh, nothing fresh. But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail. Jay, you know that I need real grapes for my wishes. It's a Colombian tradition. It's only moderately insane. Well, I have grapes at my house. No, I don't want you to blow New Year's. Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Billy Dee. I like you, Billy Dee. So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes. Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I might have heard about that when I did that "Love boat" with Charo. You know Charo? He's so obsessed with Charo. No kidding. Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I have been in love with this car my whole life. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord. Would you like to drive it? Does the bear sit in the woods? Classic Charo. Mmm? So... Was it worth my meltdown? It always is. Just you and me, under the desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia. Hey there. Oh, my God. Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome. Uh, welcome to what? To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer? - No. - No. I told them. Robby. So I--whoa. Nude Year's Eve? You said Nude Year's Eve. It's clever. Yeah. We're the Palm Springs nudist association. It's how we celebrate the new year. - I can see. - Fresh. Like newborns. Naked. - Yeah. - I got that. Yeah. Oh, my God. We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here. Our clothes are trapped under that pile. You really wanna stand there naked sifting through all those drawstring pants? Oh, okay. Scooting over. Just... just scootch in. - Okay. - Scootin'. - Ah. - Hey. Phil, something just touched me, - and it's not from your side. - Oh! Who wants champagne? Oh, I'll have some. - Okay. Oh, my gosh. - Okay. Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach. Thank you. We gotta make a run for it. Well, now it's just gonna seem rude. Phil. I love this car so much! Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee? A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. And just call me Billy. Not doin' it. And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there. Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. Thank you. Thank-- they can't hear me. Thank you! This is what models must feel like. Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you you look like a young van Johnson? Oh, no. That-- that's so sweet, though. Thank you. Mm. Free pass? Pull up van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that. He was gorgeous. You're fine. This is nice, huh? Compliments, free drinks. What could be better? Alright gentlemen! Almost midnight! Pucker up. New Year's is so weird, the way it makes you think about time. Ten... nine... eight... - Cam. - Mm? I think that's why people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun. Seven... six... five... I mean, I guess I sorta get it. Four... three... two... one! Quick, quick! Make your wishes! Like right now I wish I could just slow down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to grow up yet. I know. I want him to stay our stupid little brother. Hey, happy New Year. You too. Oh, my God, what is in this? - Oh. Sorry. That one's mine. - Oh. ...And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear. - I'm not kidding. - Ew! I love this story. - Almost as good as yours, van Johnson. - Oh, my God! Oh, look. Here comes Jay. - I feel bad he missed all this fun. - Oh! - Hi! - Hi, dad. - Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams. Hey, hey. Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now. Well, you must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you. Jay? Have you seen the grapes? - Yeah, I ate them. - Why would you eat the grapes? They were in a bowl, they were washed, I paid for them. They were for the New Year's. Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again? It's not goofy. It's a tradition. At midnight, you eat 12 grapes, you make 12 wishes, one for each month of the year. And you really think that works? Five years ago, I was a single mother living in a slum. Today, I'm driving to Palm Springs in my new car with my rich husband. You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes. For New Year's Eve, we're taking Phil and Claire and Mitch and Cam to this amazing hotel I used to go to in Palm Springs. They got a whole package-- dinner, dancing, toast at midnight. I mean, what more do you need? - Grapes. - I said we'd stop on the way. Haley, it's New Year's Eve. Are you sure you don't wanna go to a party or something? And listen to all my friends talk about how awesome college is? I know how awesome college is. That's what got me kicked out. Well, I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel much better leaving Lily here knowing that you're in charge. You know you're really in charge, right? How do you know I don't have a party? Okay, fine. Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover with your cousins? Who's watching me? - Haley. - I'm serious. Alex. Okay, let's go. Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" So we were happy that Jay planned this whole thing. It really, you know, takes the pressure off of having to outdo ourselves. Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last year? Oh. Did we miss it? - Mm? - It's only 10:00. - What? - It's only 10:00. - What? - It's only 10:00. Place is smaller than I remember. Smaller's your issue? When was the last time that you were here, Jay? Not that long ago. 1974, '75. So when I was 2? I don't like when you do that. I checked the web site. The pictures looked beautiful. Oh! Lizard. Huh? Never trust pictures on the Internet. Shoot it from the right angle, you can make anything look bigger and better. Houses, you pervs. He's a realtor. I thought I heard voices. Robby! I told you! It's people. Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years! Okay, you be her, and I'll be whoever left her. Uh, we're checking in. It's under Pritchett. Jay Pritchett. Three rooms. You've been with us before. How old is that book? Oh, there is something sticky over here. Robby! It came back. It's not possible. Okay, so the place is not what it used to be. But we're gonna have fun. Dining in the starlight room, little dancing with the Shelley Stroman trio. Oh, there's just two left. Here are your keys. Check out's at 11:00, but if you wanna stay longer-- No, 11:00 is good. Yeah. Here we go. Is there anything wrong? No, no. No, we were just hoping for something - a little more romantic. - Come on, now. It's not that bad. - What's in there? - Nothing. If you're looking for romance, there's a secluded hot spring nearby. - Kind of a hidden gem. - Huh? Just follow the path right by the 12th hole of the golf course. Wow. That sounds kinda nice. Secluded. Natural. - Sexy. - Sexy. What do you think, Phil? Does it smell like eggs? Some of them smell like eggs. It's been a while since Phil and I... The whole month of December? Or a quick... you know? It's embarrassing, and it's not like us. That's making me anxious, which is why I really need to get... Thanks again. Yeah, that's yours to keep. Okay. Bye now. I say we bag dinner with my dad, and go find that hot spring. Honey, we can't just ditch your father. He wanted us all to be together. We are always together. Oh, my God, what are we gonna hear that we've never heard before? Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Lily saved that kid with the heimlich? Please. She hugged him, and he spit his gum out. I say we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits. - That does sound hot. - Mm-hmm. But I'd just be thinking about your dad the whole time. I'm gonna hop in the shower. What's in there? - Nothing. - Oh. Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any socks, someone left one in the bed. Oh, my gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to The Beacon. What's The Beacon? The club that he's always raving about. It's right down the street. That's where we should go. Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still young... ish. L-let's get out of dinner and go there. - How? - I don't know. Um... okay, okay. Um, y-you could pretend to get sick at the table. You know, fake a cough, stomachache, dealer's choice. I don't care. Just sell it and get us out of there. But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together. We are always together. I mean, how many times do we have to hear Claire tell us Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician? Oh, gosh. We should start calling her "ranch house"... Because she doesn't have a second story. - So good. - I know! Thank you. Hey. You sure you don't wanna play "The hunger games" with all of us? My whole life is a hunger game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you? That's for me! Hey. Come on in. Hey. Hi. Hey, I'm out. This is Becca and her cousin Joyce. And Joyce is for you. What? I'm on a date? But I'm not wearing any cologne. Did you know this was happening? I don't even know what this is. Joyce, this is Manny. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider? He's not how you described him. Uh, don't worry. You'll love him. Manny, say something romantic. I can't just turn it on. You say something romantic. - Cool shirt. - Aw! Can I see your room? Well, I didn't clean it for me. W-- They're going upstairs alone. - Is that even allowed? - I don't know. - Should we say something? - Like what? Like, "it's not okay"? Well, maybe it is. Is it? I don't know. I just feel like we're not doing our job as babysitters. Of course we are. I'm cold, and I saw a coyote. ...And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?" Hand to God! Dr. B. told me himself! You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place. I know it's a little rough around the edges, but I've always had a good time here, and I'm having a great time tonight. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. How's your chicken Kiev? - It's really good. - It's very good. - Tasty. - Yeah, tastes like Russia. What are you waiting for? Get sick. Not yet. I'll know when it's time. - Honey. - Ay. - You were sleeping. - I was. Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire. It wasn't because you were telling again the Luke and the doctor story. It's just that I've been so tired lately. Oh. Oh, gosh. - Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all day. - Oh. Yeah, you know. - I think I might be coming down with a little something. - Oh, man. Oh, my God. I know. I drank out of her glass earlier. - No. She's stealing our excuse. - What? Honey. Wake up, Gloria! Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink eye. I'm gonna walk her upstairs. I think you need to lie down. Okay. Just a little disco nap. - Okay. - Well, this has been fun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon as I can. There it is. Now? No, I have something stuck in my throat. It's too bad Lily's not here to give you the heimlich. Did we ever tell you guys that story? Do you wanna tell it? Yeah, let me tell it. Okay. Jay, you should go back and spend time with your family. I can't leave you alone on New Year's Eve, even though everyone's waiting for me to come back. Aw, that's so sweet. Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up the lighting of the cherries jubilee. Jay, if you really want to go and-- Okay. Where'd everybody go? I don't know. I guess they all left. You still want the cherries jubilee? Light 'er up. Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett. It isn't. It's-- it's Jay Pritchett. You having a good New Year's? Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on me. I'm gonna hit the sack. Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us. You play Hold'em? Yeah, but I should probably, uh... What's the buy-in? Jay... Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs... Hey. How ya doin', Jay? - My ex-husband Hugo... - Hey, how you doing? - And Billy Dee. - Hey. Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams? I'm a huge fan. Well, now you have to stay, since none of these guys have seen me in anything since "Mahogany." - Never even saw that. - Me either. You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago, rather than become an international model and designer. My son made me watch it with him. He's gay. Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Excuse me! Sir, excuse me! He's doing this on purpose! He probably just doesn't notice us. How can he not notice us? We're the only people in here in sleeves! - Hey there. - What can I get for ya? Excuse me, young man. I was here first. Young man? Why don't you just call him whipper-snapper? Ugh. This is ridiculous. We can't even get a drink. Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot! If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now. Hi. Yeah, and if we'd stayed put, we'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right now! Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on. It's new year's Eve. We're out together. Where's fun Cam who likes to dance? Here. Wh--where--where is he? - I'm over here. - Oh, there he is! - Come on! - Okay, I'm sorry. I was just feeling invisible! It'll get better! Okay, you know what? That is wet. I'm done. Oh! God! God, no! They've been in there forever. Do something. You're in charge. Oh, please. We both know I'm just a figurehead here. You really think they're doing something in there? He's 12. He's 14, but it's touching how close you are. Fine. What do you want? You have to keep your door open. - Why? - Uh, well, why do you need it closed? Because we're gonna make out. Well, you... You can't have your door closed. - Why? - Do you wanna to watch or something? That's weird. - Ew! - Ew! Of course we don't wanna watch. Perfect. - But you can't-- - What are you d-- What just happened? Can I offer you a pi� Delgado? It's my own concoction. - What's in it? - Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy. I'm not saying that. I'm not drinking it, either. So... you making any resolutions? Yeah. No more blind dates. You're mean. You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean. I've been a gracious host while you've been rude, sullen, and dull. You'll forgive me if I choose not to start the new year on such a negative note. Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth. Where is this stupid path? We've been walking forever. We'll find it. Did that bellman seem a little off to you? Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring. Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us. Why would you even say that? I'm just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so tense. Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun. I don't wanna have an adventure. I don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex with you. Wha--what? Don't make me say it again. No, I want you to say it again. Maybe throw my name in there this time. Claire, what's going on? Do you know that it's been a month? - No, it hasn't. - Mm-hmm. Yes, it has. Mm-hmm. Day after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, and you know how that gets me going. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made that joke about your clothes being half-off. And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the kind of people we used to be. What happened? Nothing happened. We're busy. It was the holidays. Dede was here. - You know, she has a way of... - Mnh. Shutting that whole thing down. But is this who we are now? I mean, first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "mother." And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're just like my grandp-- Let's go find that hot spring and start this new year off with... - Sex in a hot spring. - Mmm. All right, all right. Where-- where should we try next? - Am I yelling? I'm yelling. - Yes. Yeah. Maybe we should just go get some frozen yogurt and call it a night. No, Cam, come on. We can't have another New Year's where we don't even make it to midnight. I... this entire holiday is just a giant reminder of how the clock is ticking. You know, each passing second is just bringing us that much closer to death. All this because I suggested some fro-yo? I'm... I'm sick of feeling old. I-I really need this. Okay. Let's get you to midnight. 'Kay. Oh, look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit right in. Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle. - Just not for us. - No! Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was too young, the second was... whatever that was, and the third will be just right. Mitchell... Three bears. I mean... right? Here. This one. You wanted to feel young. And I do. I'm sorry. I push people away. I feel myself do it, but I can't stop. It's hard to like someone when you don't like yourself. You're right. You have so many good qualities. You're attractive, you're witty, you're bright. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Aw, you're such a good friend. Friend? That's where this is headed? Well... friendships last longer. Not this one. I've got enough friends. Happy New Year, Joyce. So what's the plan, Haley? I'm going in. That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this. The girls, the hormones-- it's gross. Well, we can't just barge in. I'm still trying to get the image of mom and dad out of my... Oh, God, it's back. I'm coming in! What are you doing? Just putting away some laundry. That's a bra. And a tablecloth. Can't you do this later? Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here? - Yes. - Does she know our parents aren't? Yeah. Big pause, no eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. - You're out. - No, she's not. Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13... - 14. - 14, and unless Nicole Bitchie here wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied... I better go. Bye, Luke. Wait. Why does she have to go? - Because I said so. - You're not the boss. Don't talk back to your sister. Ugh! I hate you! You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me! I think I owe mom a huge apology. Is anyone watching me? Aces and eights. Lady sings the blues. Three Jacks. Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen. Well, that's it. I'm out. Me, too. Oh, hell, it's almost 11:00. I gotta do my set in the starlight room, and I'm missing a pasty. Oh, what's the matter with everybody? It's early yet. Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time since I got here. Jay? How long has she been there? What are you doing here? Gloria... Everybody ditched me, these guys invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to. - Eh... - Oh, she has no idea. Hello, I'm Billy Dee Williams. Hello. I'm Gloria Dee wife. Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my grapes. Did you try room service? They probably have grapes. Oh, nothing fresh. But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail. Jay, you know that I need real grapes for my wishes. It's a Colombian tradition. It's only moderately insane. Well, I have grapes at my house. No, I don't want you to blow New Year's. Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Billy Dee. I like you, Billy Dee. So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes. Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I might have heard about that when I did that "Love boat" with Charo. You know Charo? He's so obsessed with Charo. No kidding. Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I have been in love with this car my whole life. In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord. Would you like to drive it? Does the bear sit in the woods? Classic Charo. Mmm? So... Was it worth my meltdown? It always is. Just you and me, under the desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia. Hey there. Oh, my God. Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome. Uh, welcome to what? To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer? - No. - No. I told them. Robby. So I--whoa. Nude Year's Eve? You said Nude Year's Eve. It's clever. Yeah. We're the Palm Springs nudist association. It's how we celebrate the new year. - I can see. - Fresh. Like newborns. Naked. - Yeah. - I got that. Yeah. Oh, my God. We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here. Our clothes are trapped under that pile. You really wanna stand there naked sifting through all those drawstring pants? Oh, okay. Scooting over. Just... just scootch in. - Okay. - Scootin'. - Ah. - Hey. Phil, something just touched me, - and it's not from your side. - Oh! Who wants champagne? Oh, I'll have some. - Okay. Oh, my gosh. - Okay. Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach. Thank you. We gotta make a run for it. Well, now it's just gonna seem rude. Phil. I love this car so much! Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee? A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. And just call me Billy. Not doin' it. And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there. Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. Thank you. Thank-- they can't hear me. Thank you! This is what models must feel like. Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you you look like a young van Johnson? Oh, no. That-- that's so sweet, though. Thank you. Mm. Free pass? Pull up van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that. He was gorgeous. You're fine. This is nice, huh? Compliments, free drinks. What could be better? Alright gentlemen! Almost midnight! Pucker up. New Year's is so weird, the way it makes you think about time. Ten... nine... eight... - Cam. - Mm? I think that's why people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun. Seven... six... five... I mean, I guess I sorta get it. Four... three... two... one! Quick, quick! Make your wishes! Like right now I wish I could just slow down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to grow up yet. I know. I want him to stay our stupid little brother. Hey, happy New Year. You too. Oh, my God, what is in this? - Oh. Sorry. That one's mine. - Oh. ...And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear. - I'm not kidding. - Ew! I love this story. - Almost as good as yours, van Johnson. - Oh, my God! Oh, look. Here comes Jay. - I feel bad he missed all this fun. - Oh! - Hi! - Hi, dad. - Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams. Hey, hey. Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now. Well, you must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you. Previously on Strike Back... - Make your peace. - You can't shoot me. - Yeah, I can. - I'm CIA That al-Zuhari is targeting western military bases. - Which bases? - All of them. - Do you know who the fuck I am? - I don't care who you are, come here mate. You killed the son of Arkady Ulyanov in my fucking house. I have no idea who you're talking about. You give me Kamali. He murdered one of my men. - Let me show you something. - Christ, Leo. I understand that you don't trust me. Al-Zuhari will sacriface anyone and anything to achieve his goals. You must be prepared to do the same. Shh. You're sweating. Why are you nervous? Allah himself has mapped out your path, and he wouldn't want any harm to come to his believers, now, would he? Al-Zuhari has a request. Make life a lot easier if he could pick up the phone, huh? Ha ha ha! Al-Zuhari must trust you very much to have let you carry this message. You are to be rewarded. Wait here. Kaboom. Lunch? ♪ I couldn't see where you were comin' from ♪ ♪ but I know just what you're running from ♪ ♪ and what matters ain't who's baddest but the ♪ ♪ ones who stop you falling from your ladder ♪ ♪ when you feel like you're feeling now ♪ ♪ and doing things just to please your crowd ♪ ♪ when I love you like the way I love you ♪ ♪ and I suffer but I ain't gonna cut you 'cause ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no hero ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no better man ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no hero ♪ ♪ to call home ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no hero ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no better man ♪ ♪ this ain't no place for no hero ♪ ♪ to call home ♪ Strike Back 04x03 Shadow; Warfare Episode 3 Khie'yen. You've been made. Oh, fuck. Bravo Team, I want Amir alive. There's a lot of Hezbollah yellow out here. - They run the city. - If we tangle with them... You will bring him in. That's an order. Copy that. Uh! Uh! Uh! Out the back. Thanks. Zero, one Hezbollah guard KIA. Sorry. It was him or me. Roger. Bravo Two, I'm out back. Bravo One, target coming to you. Yeah. Roger. Target acquired. Get the target back here. Roger. Let's move. What kept you? Down those stairs. Move. Good. Fuck. Zero, we're taking fire. Exit's no good. Bravo three, we're falling back. Copy that. I'm circling around. Stand up! Stand up! Shit. Scott. Fuck. Target's been gut-shot. He's never gonna make it. You're prepped for a field interrogation. In the fucking van, not here. We're under heavy fire. - You will interrogate the prisoner. - Shit. Oi, look at me. The Scotsman's name is Leatherby, right? What's he being paid for? Shit. Armed x-rays entering the building. OK. See this? See this account? Those are your transactions, paid for by the CIA. That is not mine. Not? You forged them. OK. You see this? See, this is your passport, proof of travel between the United States of America and Israel. I'm dying. Zero, this guy's not gonna talk. Put the papers in his pocket. Fuck. Shit. Tell him Hezbollah will take his family. Fuck. Shit. They find these on you, they're gonna kill your family. Make a choice. Mikey, we got some action downstairs. Mike, come on. We got to move. Hey, come on. We got to move, Mike. You destroy the papers, I tell you what you wish to know. Move! Rrgh! Come on. Aah! We're really ready to be picked up right now. You're not finished. Find me something concrete! Scott, your lighter. She's fucking losing it. Throw me your lighter. Fucking fine time to start smoking. Yeah. Great. Nice of you to care. Look. Bravo Three, what's your position? Exfil, two minutes. Your family is safe. Talk. Allah forgive me. This is for them. He's coming... from Syria. He's coming. Leatherby's bringing him. Who? Who's coming from Syria? Who's Leatherby bringing from Syria? Al-Zu... Al-Zuhari. Al-Zuhari. Shit. Zero, Leatherby's bringing in al-Zuhari. Al-Zuhari's coming in from Syria. Did you get that? Al-Zuhari's coming in from Syria. I fucking knew it. Do what has to be done. Oi, oi. Oi, where the fuck is Dalton? Not now. - What do you mean, not now? - Scott! You saw what happened out there. She nearly got us killed. No. I'm on your side. It's true. Yeah. It's true, all right? But she also got us al-Zuhari. Yeah, and what happens if he's lying, Michael? He wasn't lying. You want to be fucking right. You hear me? I had no choice. A street battle in Daheih in broad daylight? How do you expect to operate effectively with Hezbollah breathing down your neck? Please tell me you got something to show for this mess. Amir gave us al-Zuhari. He's coming into the city from Syria. Well, if al-Zuhari's moving, then whatever he's planning must be happening soon. James Leatherby's bringing him across the border. We need to know time and location. Well, assuming your intel's good, what's your next move? Kamali is supposed to pay him. Let him. You know that I don't trust Kamali. Listen, Rachel, Kamali's the best thing we've got. You let him make the payment, see what he can get us, and, Major, we've lost enough men. Don't make me come back to Beirut. I can guarantee you... What happens if he's lying, Michael? Al-Qaeda did before 9/11. We get Kamali, we get al-Zuhari himself. This is a systematic cleansing of the... Al-Zuhari. What happened out there today was a mess. I told you I could handle it. Your people should never have been there. Amir was my contact on the operational side. If you don't let me do things my way... Al-Zuhari is being brought in from Syria. That can't be true. You're sure? Leatherby's the courier. I need to know where and when. I am just the money man. Well, then do your job. Take Leatherby his payment and find out what I need to know. The moment I start asking questions... You'll do as I say. I meet him at his casino, yeah... Apres La Guerre, tomorrow morning, 3 A.M., pay him in uncut diamonds. That's it. You'll wear a wire. And have my cover blown? I don't give a shit what the chain of command want or what the CIA believe. If you're playing us, I'll have you castrated before I see another one of those men hurt. You're out of control, Major. For the record, it's you, not me, that's gonna get your people killed. You hate me, don't you? - James... - Don't. Just one of a long line of bastards, aren't I, men that come out here and moan about the heat and the dust whilst taking whatever the fuck they like. The English... The English like to bang on about the fucking Empire and the glory days, and yada, yada, fucking yada, but it was us Scots who found it, took it, and held it for them. Why? We love these faraway places, these faraway people. Can't help ourselves. Aah! Aah! Ohh... Have you got anything to tell me? Anything at all? Ex-SAS, operating out of Beirut since the late Nineties, smuggles weapons, drugs, dirty money. Yeah. We know all that. Before Iraq, this guy's record was impeccable. Oh, yeah? So was mine. I just want to know what went wrong, what turned that man into this man. Come on, Mike. Young people change, sometimes for good... sometimes bad. During the first Gulf War, he was operating behind Iraqi lines, where he was captured and tortured by officers of the Republican Guard. Yeah. Maybe that's it. Zero, we are in position, no visual on target. I repeat, no visual on target. Place your bets. Leatherby in play. AWOL, soldier? Lucky escape. Ah, Tommy this, Tommy that. How's your fucking soul, huh? But here's the thing, my bright-eyed friend. A killer is a killer, and a man may escape many things... but never himself. You and I have had the same fortune cookie. Oh, ha ha ha! All good soldiers are bound for hell. It's just that some see it, and others don't. Whit's fur ye'll no go past ye. Cheers. Bring some wine. You want some work, Heh. You give me a call, eh... or give me a call, anyway. No more bets. No more bets. Cheers. You want a drink? Ha! No, thanks. I got one. You want to buy me one? I would love to, but I can't. Call me. Hmm. No more bets. Kamali in play. Just to be careful. Killed my first man with a knife... Argentinean conscript. It was so fucking cold, the blood froze on the blade. Imagine that. Seventeen years later, I'm lying in bed, I roll over... wait... and the bastard is there lying next to me, smiling at me, just fucking smiling at me. It's always the soldiers that have the nightmares, they send in to do all the filthy work. No blood under your fingernails, or is there? Heard a lot of men died in Colombia, Leo. Ha ha ha! Do you have them? The other half once the package is safely delivered. I need to know when and where it's coming in. Why would you want to know that? Don't push it. Come on. Because I've been told to make arrangements. No offense, James. You're just a fucking delivery boy peddling old war stories. Tell me what I need to know... there's a good boy... or I'll see you never work for al-Zuhari again. Sit. Think you scare me? Really? Why the gun? Emphasis. Asset's comprosed. Zero, are we gonna pull him out, or what? Leave him in play. Yes, ma'am. Buy me in. Yes, sir. Aah! Yaah! Aah! Leo, this was a matter between me and my boy. A fucking barman? No. It's nothing! I see your face in here again, I'll cut it off. - Sorry. - For fuck's sake. No, no, no, no! Oh, God! Now it's nothing. Leo, I just wanted you to know what I feel about betrayal. He's just a friend. You belong to me. Best get that seen to. No! You want to get yourself killed, go ahead. I'm through. I'm done. I'm out. We've got him. Eyes on the boyfriend. Looks like he took a bullet. Bring him in. Get in, or I shoot the other one. What? Wha... Kamali, put that gun down. What the fuck are you doing here? Dad. Amma, everything is fine. Take Ester and go back to your room. Dad, what is going on? Ester, please. Go with Amma back to her room now. Kamali, I need you to come down here and give me that gun. You got a spare? Oi, how old are you? What are you, my mom? Ha! Eh, he just looks like one. So how do you two know my dad? Eh, it's kind of a long story. I get it. I'm young. The Clash, huh? Got a favorite album? "London Calling," and don't try and change the subject. Ha! How about you, ma? Sex Pistols. - Really? - Yeah. I would've taken you as a Wham! kind of guy. Andrew Ridgely is hugely underrated. So you got it pretty together for a, what, thirteen-year-old? Don't tell me. You used to know a kid who was just like me, and it was... you. Come here. Give me that. Who do you think you are? Smoking will kill you. You're really good with kids, aren't you? Been there and done that. We should have a talk. I told you, I'm done, leaving... his place, this city, all of it. Your commanding officer just shoved me into a room with a delusional sociopath and a list of questions guaranteed to fuel his fucking paranoia. Anyway, it's not just about me. I have to think of Ester. If Hezbollah found out you and Leatherby were lovers, you'd be dead. If you help me, I will help you. We can get you a visa, a new life, some money. And in return, you can tell us when and where Leatherby's going to be bringing al-Zuhari over the border. I can't. Then I'll just have to tell Hezbollah that you're a manyook, but before Hezbollah know, I'll make sure your father hears of your shame. Answer it. Yeah. What is it? So you decide. There's... There's an air field just outside Kefraya James uses... and they will come tomorrow at noon. So where would you go? There are options. I always planned to get out. Nobody can live this kind of life forever. You must have plans for the future, a way out. Is that before somebody pushes us to our knees and puts a bullet in that back of our head like you did with Baxter? Michael... Would it have been the first time that you'd killed the wrong person for the right reason? I'm not gonna pretend I understand or even like a man like you. You need to finish what you started. Easy for you to say. What do men like you have to lose? What I had, I lost. Was it worth it? If I come back, what about Dalton? She's a liability. Yeah. We got your back on that, Leo. File from the CIA didn't mention anything about a kid. And I'll appreciate it if we could keep it that way. All right. What happened to her mother? She died. I'm sorry. We'll get you through this, Leo. OK. Now get the fuck out of my house. We'll set up an armed support towards the south side of the airstrip. If you look at the map... What's all this? And? Kamali's still in. We have intel. The boyfriend talked. Leatherby's bringing al-Zuhari in through this airfield. So that's what we're going in on, the boyfriend's word? We could run it past Kamali. No. Ma'am, does Colonel Locke know about this? Locke will be briefed post-op. What's your fucking problem with Kamali? We all know what he did and why he did it, but the truth is, you're the one that put Baxter in front of that gun. How do you think a man like Leo Kamali survives, hmm? It's simple. He sells himself as whatever you need him to be... CIA asset, terrorist, money launderer. So what the fuck were you buying today, huh, new best friend? This is a one-shot deal. We screw up, and al-Zuhari is gone, and we don't see him again until it's too late. So are you in, or you out? Ma'am, what time's that plane land? Tomorrow at noon. Gonna see my shrink. Whew. Oh... Please you called me? Heh. Ah... Oh... You have girl at home? No girl... and no home. Sad story. Maybe there's happy ending for you and me, huh? Yeah. You like that, tough guy? So you work out of here? Beirut? - I'm artist. - Ha ha ha! No laugh. I prove. Yeah. See? Artist visa. To dance and take clothes off is not easy. So, Katya Sergeyevich Tarasov, how come you're so far from home? I borrow some money to set up business. Big mistake. Bad man. How you say? Don Corleone? Mafia. So I dance, save money to pay him back, or he break legs. How much? $10,000. Fucking lot of dancing. Ha ha! I like to dance. I like my legs. Yeah. I do, too. I will see you? Where you stay? Heh. I'll call you. See you around, sexy legs. Zero, approaching position, one click from Kefraya Airstrip. Let's do this. Shit. We're on. Target convoy approaching. Four SUVs heading your way. Roger that. I'm in position. I can see your sorry ass from here. I have eyes on you. Yeah. I see you, too. Bird is circling to land. Bravo One, I have eyes on the bird. I repeat, I have eyes on the bird. Shit. Bravo Two, I got eyes on Leatherby. I have multiple X-rays. Yeah. I got someone stepping off that bird now. It's impossible to I.D. them. Bravo One, report. That's a negative on an I.D. I have no clear shots on X-rays. Moving for a better visual. Bravo One, come in. What the fuck is that? Bravo One, come in. Mike. Foxhound, this is Sunray. Cover our exfil. Over. Move! Bravo One? Mike, you all right? - Fuck. - Shit. Zero, Leatherby has the target. Repeat, Leatherby has al-Zuhari. Bravo One, come in. Ow! Shit. Bravo One... Mike, you all right? I'm fine. I'm on the move. Cut across! I got you. Stop running like a girl. OK. Go, go, go, go. Good? Yeah. I'm OK. I'm good. You drive like a pussy. Move. - Bravo Four on the move. - Copy. Bravo Two. Target heading south of airfield. Copy that. Coming to you. Coming up on our two o'clock. Ddamn it. Hold on. Scott, did you see that? What? Fucking sign that said, "Mines." What should I do? Should I slow down? No. Keep going. There's no mines here, Mike. It must be an old sign. Nope. Maybe they missed one. Go faster. Go faster. All right, all right, all right. - Fuck! - Nope. Maybe it's two. Getting us off here, all right? Bravo One, what is your position? Ah, there they are. Just get up alongside. There you go. Have that, mates. Fuck. You have to take al-Zuhari alive. Shit. Uh! Scott! Yo, I'm out of ammo! Scott! Taking! Bravo One is taking fire. No visual on target. Scott! What? Moving! Fuck! That's our target vehicle! Confirm target. That's a negative. It's a female. Negative. It's a female. Shit. Al-Zuhari is not here. I repeat, not here. Well, if al-Zuhari's moving, then whatever he's planning must be happening soon. Please tell me you got something to show for this mess. Bring her in. Scott! Moving! Move! Come on. You and I got the same fortune cookie. I need to know when and where it's coming in. Aah! James, get me out! It's gonna blow! Hey! James! James, help! Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go! Let's go! Fucking traitor! Find me Kamali. OK. OK. Follow my voice. Stand up. This is fucking bullshit. I need you to stand up... I've done nothing wrong. OK. Move forward. Where... Quiet. Be quiet. My father is Tareq Abboud. My name is Sofia Abboud. My father is Tareq Abboud. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. Take her downstairs. Please. This is a terrible mistake. Move forward. No, please! He's a businessman. He paid to get me out of Syria. Bullshit, ghaben. Who are you, really? Stand down, Major. What the fuck? Will you take this woman somewhere else, please? Sir. Please... Colonel, I believe that woman to be... Is exactly who she said she is. Her father was Assad's finance minister until 2007. It was rumored that he might provide al-Zuhari with funding, but that's it. She has to be a courier. You know that they use women and family members to carry messages. I know. She'll be processed, just not by you. You sent me on this operation. I've been undercover for three months. Baxter... You can't take this away from me, Philip. If al-Zuhari had been on that plane... But he wasn't, was he? You're taking unjustifiable risks, Rachel. You're making bad calls. It's only a matter of time before someone else is killed. You can't fucking do this. Major, consider yourself on extended leave, effective immediately. OK. Listen up. As of this moment, I'm taking direct command of this unit. - Sir. - Sir. Oh... OK, Sofia. Let's talk. Oh, Jesus Christ. We're gonna take a drive, and then we're gonna talk, and as we do, I want you to bear one thing in mind... I have absolutely nothing to lose. Next, detach the celiac artery. - Hey, watch what you're grabbing. - Oh, I'm sorry. Quickly do a double ligature on the right gastric artery. That's the left gastric artery! The right gastric artery's over here. Where are your eyes? - You just hang on to the muscle hook. - Huh? - Did you just say "huh"? Idiot! - I'm sorry. Daimon Sensei, calm down. Blood pressure 110 over 70, heart rate 90. Forget it, I'll do it. You take care of suction. Excuse me, can you get my forehead. Don't be sweating when you're not doing anything. - You're in my way. - I'm sorry. - Okay, hurry up and cut the thread. - Mayo please. Don't pick it up! What're you doing, picking up an instrument off the floor, idiot! Oh, that's right... - You guys all step back and stay there. - Right on. Metzen. They don't have a care in the world, do they? Those freelancers. All they gotta do is cut and sew like that. Oh, well. Who cares about those outsiders. And you're sure about the reliability and confidentiality? - In regards to that... - There's nothing to worry about. This sealed room is perfect for having discussions like this. We can't be heard from the outside either. You observers there. If you're just watching, come help me down here. These guys are useless. Why are you making freelancers train your interns? Well, I was expecting this to a certain degree, but still, it's low at Internal Medicine. Professor Ebina Popularity Survey Results CONFIDENTIAL Professor Ebina, your support from nurses in their 20's - leaves something to be desired. - Hey! Woah, woah... Kondo's popularity is incredibly high. - Do you suppose it's his looks? - Hey! Anyway, what does it matter. Kondo's just an instructor. He can't enter the race for division chief. I know, right? By the way, where's Kondo? Now a word from Kondo of our hospital who recently succeeded in a revolutionary surgery. - Kondo Sensei. - But first... first, let me say a word. I supervise the Surgery Department at this hospital. HI-RU-MA is my name. Kondo-kun accomplished a great thing, indeed. He, uh...took two patients who were, er... suffering from organ failure, and through a revolutionary surgical procedure called simultaneous exchange transplant, completely cured both of them. This...this is a most remarkable thing. We understand your presentation the other day at the Japan Gastrointestinal Surgery Academic Conference was very well received. - Thank you. - Oh, that would be...this. This is it, this right here. "Exchange transplantation... of kidney and small intestine between living donors." How did you get the idea? You see, these two...two patients, we learned, were relatives. Consequently, their blood type and their HLA matched, and we were able to proceed with their surgery. Basically, that's it. Oh, hey, hey, hey...! You see, the waiting area's crowded like heck. - I don't have time to be waiting. - I'm sorry, but you have to wait for your turn. Hey, why're you treating me so coldly. - I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry. - Hey, should you be talking to me like that? Excuse me? - Don't you know who I am? - Who are you? Where's Kondo Shinobu of Surgery Department? Who's that? There sure were a lot of reporters out there. Kondo-kun, you're the new hero now. Thank you. First floor, please. Kondo-kun, have you made any plans for a date with my daughter yet? - I haven't had the time yet... - Well, I guess that's to be expected. You know, you'll be drawing a lot of attention from now on. Watch what you do, including your private life. Kondo-kun, what's your family makeup? My mother passed away 5 years ago. - My father lives in Kamata. - Oh, I see. - Is he a doctor too? - No, uh, you might say he's in a technical field... - Oh, an engineer. - Something like that... No way! There's no way Melon Seiko's gonna win! You idiot. That's what I call an amateur's shallow logic. - Listen up... - Let's go this way. Oh, Kondo Sensei. - Shinobu, Shinobu! - Hey, hey, hey...hold it now. - You're sure an odd fella. - He's Kondo Sensei's father. Hello. I'm his father, Rokusuke. Ah, is that right... I'm uh...the Executive Manager of the Surgery Department here, Hiruma. It's nice to meet you. - So your family runs a bicycle shop, huh? - Bicycle shop? What're you doing here? The thing is, I wanted you to take a quick look. You see, the local doctor's...diagnosis here, I don't quite understand it. Can you take a quick look at it? Daimon Sensei, I'm sorry, but can you take him to the outpatient clinic? - I will not take him. - Come on, take him. Hey, wait a minute. We're not done talking about the race yet. - I forgot about that... - Anyway, I don't have time. - Thanks then. Let's go. - Like I said, races are... Father, I'm sorry. If you'll excuse us. Shinobu! Hey, Shinobu! You my son's apprentice? I am not. Hey, hey. Wait a minute! We're not done talking about the race yet! Hey! If you want to win at the races, you'd better listen to this master horse race bettor! Hey, listen...! This is the story of a lone wolf woman doctor. Your mother must've been an exceptional beauty. - No, not really... - Otherwise, it doesn't balance out. University hospitals' medical offices were losing power, and the hierarchy of doctors had collapsed. Even medical care which engages in life plunged into an era where the law of jungle prevailed. Your popularity among the over 40 crowd is outstanding, Professor Ebina. But women in their 20's overwhelmingly favor Kondo... That's because! He grabs the older ladies' hearts. You think so? To fill the critical shortage in the medical field, freelance - that is, lone wolf - doctors emerged. - Bring the omental closer to your side. - Got it! For example, this woman. Averse to groups, averse to authority, averse to constraints, a medical specialist's license and her self-honed skill are her only weapons. Surgeon Daimon Michiko. Also known as Doctor X. Kondo Rokusuke Hepatitis Kondo's amazing, though. He's getting interviewed constantly. With one research paper, he's the man of the hour. Yeah, but that's just in the medical world. It's not like he got a Nobel Prize. - They're overreacting. - I know, right? What? What is it? It's noon! I'm going for lunch. Is she only interested in eating and cutting? ! I'm terribly sorry, Professor Ebina. There's so much going on, the surgery schedule... That's okay, don't worry about it. I'm happy for your success. - Thank you. - Oh... I heard. Your family runs a bicycle shop, huh? Maybe I'll get my wife and son's bicycles fixed there. My bike's got a flat tire too. - That piece of junk? - It's not junk at all. Excuse me for the stir earlier. The hemoglobin level's low and he's slightly anemic. Pardon me? Your father. It's just hepatitis. It doesn't appear to have progressed to cirrhosis of the liver, but he also has a slightly enlarged spleen. The hemoglobin level isn't low enough to cause concern. I did tell him already... to cut down on his drinking. What is it? You don't like your father, do you? Not especially. You two are totally different, even though you're father and son. I guess he's my role model of how not to be. Working at a job that's like an extension of a hobby, fixing the neighborhood kids' flat tires on their bikes for free without even being asked to... Drinking sake day in and day out... gambling all the time... I wanted to get into an occupation that was as different from his as possible... Doctors are in a service industry too. What do you think his favorite saying is? Being alive today is good enough. He's never had an ounce of desire to rise in the world. He's a perfect example of someone who's wasting his life away. Sounds like he's enjoying life to me. Yes. Yes, I'll be right there. Excuse me. Anyway, please don't mind my dad. Don't let it go to waste~. Looks like you're doing quite well, Kondo Sensei. I'm sorry I was unable to accompany you to Paris. It was a boring trip. But I got a very big return. Is that right. What kind of return? You'll see...in due time. The complexion of this city is completely different from Paris. I'm sure the streets of Paris suit you very well. Are you saying I should've stayed there? Absolutely not! I saw your press conference on TV. - I was impressed. - Thank you very much. Lately, you've been sticking like glue to Professor Hiruma. No, that's not true. If you'll excuse me now. You... you're looking even better now. Thank you. "Being alive today is good enough," huh? - That's right. - Do you understand that? Aren't most of the doctors thinking the same thing? - Really? - Towards their patients. That's funny. Condition at time of hospital visit, blood pressure 116 over 75, pulse rate 100. Hey, Apprentice, hurry. - I am not an apprentice. - Respiratory rate? - 18. - That's normal. Safe. Slight anemia detected from palpebral conjunctiva (clear membrane that coats the inside of the eyelids) - Chest pain. - No irregularities in the chest area. However, there's a slight tenderness on the left abdominal area. - What're you talking about? - Abdominal sounds. - Safe. - Abdominal sounds are weakening. - Blood test. - Hemoglobin level 8.9. - Slightly anemic. That's where the problem is. - Hey...move it. - Slightly enlarged spleen. - High pulse rate... Hemoglobin level dropping, pulse rate rising, hemorrhage... Come on, move it! Oji-san, did you get a strong blow to your abdominal area recently? - What's this, out of the blue... - Did you or didn't you? Now that you mention it, about 2-3 weeks ago... I fell off the stairs and hit my side. - Seriously? - Yeah. How beautiful is this! What fool cuts (discards) a tile like that, huh? - We may have to cut. - He's the one who cut it. - Let's go. - Excuse me? - Hospital. - Why? ! - Hospital! - Why? ! - As the basic surgical procedure... - I'm leaning sideways. First, the diseased kidney was removed... Why am I leaning sideways? Kondo Sensei, you look good on TV too. - Really. - Thank you. You're not hardly in the picture, Dear. - You're just darting in and out from the side. - That's because this was a press conference for Kondo-kun. It doesn't matter if I'm in the picture or not. - Really? - Yes, really! What are you talking about... Anyway, that was a great press conference. Oh, that's right. Kondo-kun. I know it's rather sudden, but can you take on a surgery tomorrow? Certainly. It's the brother of Secretary-General Kataoka of the Democratic Liberal Party. It's insulinoma. (tumor in the pancreas that produces too much insulin) Ah... Anyway, I think it's a timely opportunity for you to perform surgery on a special patient. Thank you. Besides, it makes it easier for me to recommend you for professor. P-professor? ! You mean me? ! Really~? Kondo Sensei's going to a professor! That's a huge promotion! It seems you're truly a lucky man. For example, just the fact that you're sitting here at our house. I've known Ebina-kun for a long time, but I've never invited him over here. I'm honored. Then let's open the 1982 Opus One. Not the '82. Listen to me. Not that. Is that your phone? - It's from the hospital... - Hospital? If it's about an emergency case, let someone else handle it. Excuse me. - Hello. - There's a possibility of delayed splenic rupture. - What? - I'm talking about your dad. That's impossible... It's gotta be the hepatitis progressing. Evidently, he fell off the stairs and hit his side 2 to 3 weeks ago. - What? - The low hemoglobin level may not just be due to hepatitis. Could it be splenic injury? There's no apparent sign of rupture, is there? See this hematoma on the inner part of the spleen? The rupture may occur from there. Hello? Are you still there? At any rate, I'm having him admitted. But at least for the time being, it hasn't ruptured, right? I'm sorry, but I don't have the time right now to stand here and argue with you. - I'm hanging up. - Listen...! It's too late if it ruptures! A woman's voice. That one's not a woman. That's pretty good. You the mechanic! Or rather, you're supposed to be the patient. Get back to your room. Is he really Kondo Sensei's father? - He sure is. - I don't know where I went wrong. How he turned out so good, I don't know. It'll be fixed in a minute. I appreciate it, Father. I was thinking about calling in for a repairman. Since I'm a repairman, you can pay me 1,000 yen later. Oh, come to think of it, I used to... - What do you call these? - You mean spokes? Yeah, that's it. A couple of them came off, - but I rode around without a problem. - You shouldn't have done that. You see, when it comes to parts, every one of them is there because it has a purpose. There isn't a single part that doesn't serve a purpose. You gotta take care of things. If it breaks, get it repaired right away. You got that? My son's apprentice. - I'm not his apprentice. - You're just his apprentice. - I'm not his apprentice! - Sure, you are. - Get back to your room! - Okay. We will now begin the special preoperative conference. The patient is a 70-year old male, Kataoka Senkichiro-san. He's been diagnosed with benign insulinoma. Uh...this gentleman is Executive Manager Hiruma's special patient who should be treated with top priority. The primary surgeon will be... Kondo Sensei, please. You're having Kondo Sensei's perform Secretary-General Kataoka's brother's surgery? That's what I was suddenly told by the Executive Manager. The procedure is laparoscopic enucleation of insulinoma. The surgery will be performed following this conference at 11:00. Why did Executive Director Hiruma designate Kondo to perform the surgery? Especially when pancreatic disease is Professor Ebina's specialty. Don't you guys understand? Executive Director Hiruma's doing me a favor. He probably figured I'd be busy getting ready for the division chief election and wanted to lighten my burden as much as possible. Something like... parental affection. Ah~...parental affection... You guys got a long ways to go. Also, Professor Ebina - will be attending as assistant. - ... Assistant? - Yes. As directed by the Executive Manager. Right? - Yes. That's the order. Gyoi. Not so fast! There's a patient requiring more urgent treatment than something like this. How dare you say "something like this"! Kondo Sensei's father needs surgery of the spleen. Daimon Sensei, as I said... Intrasplenic hematoma accompanied by grade I b splenic injury. There's indication of delayed splenic rupture. He has to be treated before it's too late. Even if a rupture should occur, it's a simple matter of removing the spleen at that time. "A simple matter"? We can't perform a surgery based on the assumption that it might rupture. In any case, I'm going to perform the surgery before the spleen ruptures. If it ruptures and the patient goes into hemorrhagic shock it would be difficult to preserve the spleen. Preserve the spleen? In that case, the spleen is normally removed. People don't die from not having a spleen. Doesn't Freeter Daimon even know a simple thing like that? ! Excuse me! Kondo Rokusuke-san collapsed suddenly... - Kondo-san, can you hear me? - He started having abdominal pain all of a sudden. First, get a CT on the abdominal area. The spleen's ruptured. There's no time to spare. Emergency surgery. Daimon Sensei. Kondo Rokusuke-san's trying to say something. We're operating on you right away. I.. I don't want the apprentice... Shi... Shi... Shinobu... I want my son to do it. Dad... Kondo Sensei! What are you doing! Seriously! Everyone's gathered already... - You need to go say a word before the surgery! - I'll be right there. - Daimon Sensei, please take care of him. - Shinobu... Shinobu...! - Not an apprentice! - Like I said... You'll be fine. She's just gonna remove the spleen. It's an easy surgery. I entrust him in your care. Shinobu! Shinobu, I don't want an apprentice! No... I'm not an apprentice! Plus, I never fail. - Lie down. - Yes, Ma'am. - This is Yuhara Sensei of the Democratic Liberal Party. - Pleased to meet you. And that is Mitsuya Sensei. Pleased to meet you. Ah~ Well, well, Sensei... Secretary-General, thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule to be here. I trust you'll take good care of my brother. Yes, brother blood. Blood provides life. Blood provides power. And with power... There's no limit to what I can do. Central City is just a day away from making history when the controversial S.T.A.R. Lab's particle accelerator is finally turned on. Pretty cool, right? You know there's been a hundred percent increase in earthquakes since they've turned on the Large Hadron Collider. - That data is misleading. - Oh, do tell. You know about misleading, don't you? Felicity: What are you talking about? He's not from CSI, he's an assistant. Whose bosses don't know you're in Starling. And there is no similar case in Central City. So tell me, Barry... What are you really doing here? [Exhales] I told you my mom was murdered. By your father. He didn't do it. You said that the police didn't find the man who killed her. The police think they did. My dad has been serving a life sentence. They didn't believe me. About what? I was 11. One night... something just came into our house, like a tornado. A blur. Somewhere inside The Blur, I saw a person. My dad went to fight it. I tried to get 'em when suddenly... [Sighs] I was 20 blocks away from our house. Nobody believed me. [Chuckles] They thought I was trying to cover for my father. But what I saw that night was real. As real as the man that ripped down that metal door with his bare hands. That's why I look into cases like this. The ones nobody believes are possible. Maybe if I can just make sense of one, I might be able to find out who really killed my mother. And free my dad. I am sorry I lied to you. Better find another plus one. He did lie about who he really was. [Scoffs] And what do we do every day? [Classical music playing] Hey. How's everything going in there? Good evening, Queens. - Can I have a word? - Yeah. I'm sorry if I overreacted a little bit earlier. Oh, you think? Look, right now you need to apologize to your mother. Not me. For what? Your being wrong. I guess these days, I only draw a crowd when I'm on trial for murder. Mom, you don't have to... We have guests. However few of them there are. This is not your fault, Ollie. How's your mom doing? Oh, you know us Queen women-- nothing gets to us. You must take after your dad. [Cell phone rings] Sorry. Sin. What's up? - I found Max. - Where? - I'm on my way. - They find Max? Um, no. She just wants me to stop by. I can come with you. You should stay here. Your mom needs you. Ok, I'll call you later. [Sighs] Time for a dance? Not really feeling like dancing with you, Oliver. I know. And that is why I called him. Fyi-- they will card him at the bar. - Hi. - Hi. I was serious about not being able to dance. But I'll hold your hands and sway. - [Chuckles] Sold. - Ok. [Orchestra playing] [Indistinct chatter] I tried to warn you. I tried to ignore you. I am sorry, Oliver. Yeah. Oliver threw you a lovely party. Oliver's a good son, if not the best judge of character. Is everything ok? Everything's going perfectly. [Slade groaning and grunting] He doesn't have long. If this miracle drug is onboard, then we need to find it now. Slade, be back in a few minutes, ok? I'll just get comfortable. Come on. There. Mirakuru. Miracle. I was never sure it was real. What happens if we give it to Slade? He needs a sedative in his bloodstream first. They might have potassium bromide or barbital. Ohh. It's empty. What happens if we give it to him without the sedative? Sarah! He'll die, for sure. He's going to die anyway. [Clanging] What was that? Ivo and his men. They're on the sub. - Have you made contact? - Yes. He said to tell you that your information was gratefully accepted. Thank you. Who was that? Nothing to worry about. Thank you for tonight, Oliver. It was a lovely party. I'm so sorry that I put you through that. Oh, listen, I don't care what anyone else in this city thinks of me. I only care what you two think. [Cell phone vibrates] And I have to get back to the office. Excuse me. Thea. There's something I need to tell you. Sure. What is it? I love you. I love you, too. Yes. Yes, sir. I-- yes, director, I know that this is not the first time. Yes, sir, I do value my job, very much. Look, I will be on the next train. Mm-hmm. I'll be back tonight. Ok. Thank-- Well, my boss found out I don't have food poisoning. I need to get back to Central City if I still want to be employed. Which I do. Tell the SCPD that the sedative in the thief's blood is Ketamine. It's a schedule three controlled substance. It shouldn't be too hard to track. Yeah, I'll make sure they get it. It was really nice-- - Thank you for... - Working with you. - Everything... - We couldn't have done it... Without you. Good-bye, Felicity. Good-bye. Sin: Max! Get off, let go! Max! Get off of me! Hey! Let her go. Cut it out! Stupid cops. They're saying Max ODed. - Was he using? - No! He made extra cash donating blood. You really think the hospital would let him be a donor if he was an addict? [Camera shutter clicks] Hey. Can't be here, kid. Let's go. They found trace amounts of Ketamine in the thief's blood. It's a common surgical anesthesia derived from hydrochloric salt. Can you use that to track him? With the current concentration ratio in the blood sample, there's only one possible location with a large enough quality of the sedative that correlates with the amount of blood the stolen centrifuge can process. What is it? There's no sign. A.R.G.U.S. doesn't like to advertise. It's a disaster bunker. Right on the edge of the Glades. A.R.G.U.S. has them all over the country. They store relief supplies- food, clothing... - Medicine. I'm on my way. Oliver... I can't believe I'm actually saying this. The way this arrowhead is bent... It means our thief's muscle density is at least 120 pounds per cubic foot. That's almost the same density as common concrete. Your arrows may cut this guy, but they will not stop him. Well, I've beat someone like this before, Felicity. I can do it again. What if you can't? [Computer beeps] Oliver. Now this, it could save you... Or it could kill you. By the looks on your faces, I'm going to die anyway. Sorry. For what? For not telling you how I really feel. Do it. [Gasping] No! [Yelling and groaning] What? I need your help. A friend of mine's friend, well, the cops think he ODed, but we think - he was murdered. - Why? Well, he wasn't an addict, for starters. And this... This doesn't look like any OD I've ever seen. Stay away from that. You know something? What happened to him? You're the one who told me to be your eyes and ears on the streets. You know what, that is not good enough for me anymore. Fine. Then we're done altogether. I don't need you! I have friends that can help me. You can't stop us. Slow you down. Ah! [Groaning] [Floorboards creaking] And I thought it couldn't hurt to add extra security guards. It hurt them. Badly. Have you prepared Thea? No. You will not go near Thea, you will not speak to her and you will never set foot in this house again. I set you free, Moira. Your life belongs to me. I am through being afraid of you. [Chuckles] You think you can stop me? Even the Vigilante couldn't kill me. No, he couldn't. But I know someone who can. Ra's Al Ghul. How do you know that name? Well, I didn't. Until you mentioned Nanda Parbat. The League of Assassins, however twisted their aims, believes very deeply in a code of honor. Your undertaking betrayed that code. You told Ra's I'm still alive? He was so grateful to hear it. Because he so very much wants to kill you himself. So my advice to you, Malcolm... Run. This isn't finished, Moira. Who are you? Merely a follower. - Of who? ! - My brother. Did he give you the mirakuru? Did he inject you with it? ! No. He saved me with it. [Groaning] [Both grunting] [Screaming and groaning] No. Please. Please! Please. Diggle: Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! Is he alive? His pulse is weak, but it's there. Oliver! Can you hear me? His pupils are dilated! What the hell was that? I don't know, it's coded. Damn it. Damn it! I can't break into the dispensary files. I have no idea what he was injected with! Poisoned with. - All right, we have no choice. - What are you doing? Calling 9-1-1. - Dig, wait! - Can't wait! How are we supposed to explain this? Everyone's going to find out Oliver's the Vigilante! Which won't matter if he's dead. Felicity, we can't save him! I know, you're right... We can't. One way to Central City. It left ten minutes ago. Of course it did. When is the next one? In the morning. Ahh. Ohh. [Groaning] Please save my friend. OLIVER: My name is Oliver Queen. After five years on a hellish island... I have come home with only one goal: To save my city. But to do so, I can't be the killer I once was. To honor my friend's memory, I must be someone else. I must be something else. NARRATOR: Previously on Arrow: BAILIFF: The defendant is found not guilty. [CHATTERING] - Hello, Moira. - What do you want, Malcolm? Thea is my daughter. What do these guys want with a 70-year-old sub? What's on it, it'll save the human race. Will it save him? Sir, there's been a development. BLOOD: Brother Cyrus, how do you feel? Stronger. [THUNDER CRASHING] [LOUD DRONING NOISE] What was that? [SHOUTS] [GRUNTING] [NECK CRACKS] Mrs. Queen, welcome back to the company. - Thank you. - You look fabulous. Better than ever. - Did you do something to your hair? - I shampooed it... without eight women and a guard watching. Ha, ha. Is it okay to laugh? Because I was ordered not to say anything about prison... - just to avoid any awkward exchanges. - Like that one. Right. ISABEL: We need to drill down on these numbers before the earnings call. Oliver. I didn't realize your mother was stopping by for a visit today. Well, it's not a visit. This is her company too. Of course. - How are you, Moira? - Back, Isabel. Mr. Queen, may I speak to you for a minute? What sort of message does it send to the investment community, to this city... if we hand Queen Consolidated right back to your mother? - She was acquitted. - By a jury, not by the city. Oliver, stop thinking like a son... and start thinking like a CEO. Oliver. There's been a break-in. MAN: Damn. This door was made of expanded reinforced titanium. - What did they use to do this? - We're not sure yet. No sign of explosives. Maybe a crane, maybe a forklift. We're guessing there was at least three of them, maybe four. Given how quick they got in and out of here. They were fast. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, stop. Wait. You don't even have a fare! LANCE: Any idea what these guys were so hot to break in here for? Didn't happen to leave a spare earthquake machine lying around, did you? Sorry. This is what we were able to pull off the, uh, security cameras. This is the only guy we got on video. The rest of the crew must have come in after. Actually, it was only one guy. Sorry I'm late. Actually, my train was late. The second one. The first one, I did miss... but that was my cab driver's fault. I've got this great traffic app and... He thought that he was right. - I'm here now though, so... - Great. Who the hell are you? - And do your parents know that you're here? - I'm Barry Allen. From the Central City Police Department. I'm with the Crime Scene Investigation Unit. We're working on a case with some similar... unexplained elements in Central City, so when the report of your robbery... came over the wire, my captain sent me up here. And you think one guy ripped through this door like it was tinfoil? One very strong guy, yeah. Uh, it takes about 120050-foot pounds of torque to break someone's neck. See the marks on the guard's neck? The bruising pattern suggests the killer used only one hand. I'm guessing you don't know how hard it is to break someone's neck. Hmm? No. No idea. Uh, we're gonna need a list of the entire inventory here... to figure out exactly what was stolen. BARRY: Actually, I think I know what was stolen. A centrifuge. An industrial centrifuge. Probably the Kord Enterprises 2BX-900, maybe the six series. Both have a three-column base. Here, you can see the three sets of broken bolts... where the thief just, poof, ripped it out of the ground. And what exactly is a centrifuge? It separates liquids. The centripetal acceleration causes denser substances... - to separate out along the radial direction. - The lighter objects move to the top. - What did you say your name was again? - Barry Allen. Felicity Smoak. You can see the cracks heading towards the door. Footsteps. One guy. Anyway, it's just a theory. - One backed by a lot of evidence. - There has to be another explanation. BARRY: Yeah, I'm sure you're right. You might want to fill our mutual friend in on this. Don't worry. I'm sure he's already on it. [GRUNTING] We need to change directions. - Ten degrees north. - We need to rest. If Ivo and any of his men survived that blast, they'll be tracking us. We keep moving. [SHOUTS] Five minutes. - Will you watch him, please? - Of course. Do you believe him? That this Hozen will lead us... - to a wrecked Japanese sub? - Ivo seems to think so. I just hope whatever miracle serum they're after is actually on board. For his sake. How do you know that girl? Sara was on my father's boat... with me. What about the girl in the picture? Laurel? The girl you told me you were in love with? Sara is her sister. [GRUNTS] I feel like taking a walk. Anyone care to join me? I guess a lot's happened in the last year. Oliver. Got the final inventory from Applied Sciences. That CSI from Central City was right. - Only thing missing is a centrifuge. - You have to see this. I pulled up CC traffic camera footage from across the street of Applied Sciences. This is three minutes after the alarm went off. Can we help you with something, detective? Oh, CSIs aren't actually detectives. We don't even carry guns, just some plastic baggies. Ha, ha. [CHUCKLES] Where should I set up my equipment? - I'll show you. - What's going on? Your assistant said that you preferred to keep the investigation in-house. I cleared it with my captain to give you a hand. - Ahem. What are you doing? - We need to find this intruder... and he seems to know more about it than any of us. Look, forensic science isn't exactly my forte, so... I'd say we need him... wouldn't you? Mm-hm. I'll show you around. Why am I getting the feeling you know more about this than Felicity's new friend? Pray I'm wrong. Hi. I'm sorry about what happened at the office this morning. There are a lot of people who think I got away with murder. Maybe I did. Mom, the trial, the Undertaking, Malcolm Merlyn, all of that is behind us now. - We need everyone to see that. - How are we going to do that? We throw a party. Thea. - Roy. - Did I hear you say something about a party? - A "welcome back" party for Mom. - I don't think so. If things are gonna get back to normal... then we need to start acting normal. Normal for us is a lavish party. I'm sorry, Mrs. Queen, I can't stay for brunch. I guess we gotta go. Bye. I'll take care of everything. - What exactly are you looking for? - Your thief's shoes touched the ground... which means he tracked in dozens of clues as to where he's been the past few days. Gotcha. [BOTH CHUCKLING] Shouldn't take long. So you've seen him, right? The vigilante? I read that he saved you. What was he like? - Green. - Green. That's interesting, right? I mean, why green? Black would be better for stealth and urban camouflage. Me, personally... I think that he trained in some sort of, like, forest or jungle environment... and the green is a nod to that. I don't give the vigilante much thought. Police reports show that he uses carbon arrows. But if he switched to an aluminum-carbon composite... he would have far better penetration. Maybe he thinks he penetrates just fine. Do you wanna know something else? I think that he has partners. Definitely someone with a background in computer sciences. FELICITY: Yeah. Why are you so interested in the vigilante? When I was 11, my mom was murdered. I'm so sorry. They never caught the guy who did it. Maybe he would've. [COMPUTER BEEPS] The soil, there's a crystalline structure in it. - That's weird. - What's weird? It's sugar. Sin, you said this was an emergency. No offense, but, Thea, you shouldn't be here. In the alleyway of the club I own? It's my friend Max. He's missing. I haven't seen him for a week. No one has. Something happened to him. I figured you knew someone who could help. Roy can help you. ROY: I thought you wanted me to stay out of trouble. I kind of like that you never turn away from someone who needs help. - I'll just get someone to cover the club. - What do you mean? Oh, I'm coming with you. I hear you're throwing a party. - I didn't get my invite. - Where exactly should I have addressed it? - Starling City Cemetery? - I know that's where you wish I was right now. Lying beside my son. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you, Malcolm? You killed Tommy. You killed your son. - You cannot have my daughter. - Our daughter. I think we both needed someone that night. I felt so bad about betraying Rebecca's memory... that I left Starling. Left Tommy behind. That's when I made my way to Nanda Parbat... where I found my new purpose. In a way, Moira... you made me the man I am today. Thea is innocent. She loved Robert. Please don't take that away from her, I'm begging you. Thea is all I have left. Tell her the truth... and tell her soon. - You found something? - We found something. There were trace amounts of sucrose in a speck of dirt the killer dragged in. Which got me thinking. There's a sugar refinery two miles from here. The land around it is suffused in waste sugar, so I checked. They had a delivery truck stolen. Their truck matches the make and model of the truck the thief used. - Can you track the vehicle? - We've been trying. [COMPUTER BEEPING] OLIVER: What was that? You're not going to believe this. The truck was used to rob a blood bank. - Are you sure? - Yeah, our guy just made off with 30,000 cc's. He has super-strength, likes blood. Please don't tell me we suddenly believe in vampires. We should get this information to the local police. I'll take care of that. Did you say that you were working a similar case in Central City? Yeah. Um... Yeah, you know, it's similar. Has similar elements. A lot of similarities. Right. Look into this Allen kid. There's more to him than he's letting on. His intentions seem pretty clear to me. Just do it, please. Oliver, when are you gonna tell me what exactly we're up against? [GRUNTING AND SHOUTING] - Ow! - I'm sorry. [OLIVER GRUNTS] Thank you. You were right to ask if I knew more than I was letting on. - I've seen men with abilities like that before. - You have? Where? The island. The second year marooned there, we... I came across the remains of a Japanese World War ll military project. It was a serum designed to create human weapons. Human weapons? My God, what's next, aliens? This is real, Diggle. Those five years that I was away, I came across things that just... defy explanation. There's a doctor, his name is Ivo... and he came to the island to test the serum on people. The ones that survived... their endurance, reflexes and strength were all enhanced. - You think this Ivo's in Starling City? - He's dead. So is everyone that he injected with the serum... the last of which I burned. - Think someone found the recipe? - A centrifuge and a supply of blood. I think someone wants to make more of it. - A lot more. - Why couldn't you have been marooned... - on Aruba? - There's a third component. A strong sedative. I preferred it when you left these in people. I need you to analyze the blood. If we figure out which sedative they're using... We can figure out where the next robbery will be. Barry and I will get right on it. I think our Miss Smoak is smitten. Diggle, what did you find out about Mr. Allen? He's not who he says he is. [GRUNTING] - How are you holding up? - I could do with a better-looking crutch. Heh. You two seem like you've gotten pretty chummy. We're here. There must be a fissure in the island below the waterline... for it to come that far inland. Unbelievable. They have nitric acid next to hydrazine? Permanganates on top of acetone? This is the definition of dangerous. If it's so dangerous, maybe you shouldn't be touching them. [THUNDER CRASHES] - Barry? - Yeah. I managed to get a sample of the perpetrator's blood from the police. We need to isolate a sedative in the blood. It could lead us to the thief. - How did the police get it? - The vigilante shot him with an arrow. You're kidding. You know what this means, right? This means the vigilante's working the same case we are. Go figure. - How did you get it? - Oliver has a lot of connections. Heh. Wow. Pays to work for a billionaire. Actually, my take-home's nothing special. Especially given I am rarely at home since I'm with him every night. - I didn't realize you and he were... - Oh, no. We're... He and I are not... No, I do not like Oliver. Um, I was invited to a work function. It's a... It's a party. And I have a plus one. I was thinking you would make a really good plus one. [CHUCKLES] There's not gonna be dancing, is there? I'm just not too good on my feet. Ugh. Reeks in here. Guess your friend wasn't too into painting seascapes. SIN: Max is like any starving artist. Starving. But I could always crash here when I didn't have a place to stay. Hey, this blood drive was a week ago. When did you say he went missing? That day. It's Daily. Someone's looking for Maxwell Stanton. Then they should find him. Yes, Brother Blood. Blood provides life. Blood provides power. And with power... there's no limit to what I can do. Central City is just a day away from making history... when the controversial S.T.A.R. Labs particle accelerator is finally turned on. - Pretty cool, right? - You know there's a 100-percent increase... in earthquakes since they turned on the Large Hadron Collider? That data is misleading. - You know about misleading, don't you? FELICITY: What are you talking about? He's not a full CSI. He's an assistant, whose bosses don't know you're in Starling. And there is no similar case in Central City. So tell me, Barry... what are you really doing here? - I told you my mom was murdered. OLIVER: By your father. He didn't do it. You said that the police didn't find the man who killed her. The police think they did. My dad has been serving a life sentence. - They didn't believe me. - About what? I was 11. One night... something just came into our house, like a tornado. A blur. Somewhere inside the blur, I saw a person. My dad went to fight it. I tried to get him when suddenly... I was 20 blocks away from our house. Nobody believed me. Heh. They thought I was trying to cover for my father. But what I saw that night was real. As real as the man that ripped down that metal door with his bare hands. That's why I look into cases like this. The ones nobody believes are possible. Maybe if I can just make sense of one... I might be able to find out who really killed my mother. And free my dad. I am sorry I lied to you. Better find another plus one. He did lie about who he really was. [SCOFFS] And what do we do every day? [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] - Hey. How's everything going in there? - Good evening, Queens. - May I have a word? - Yeah. - I'm sorry if I overreacted earlier. - You think? Right now you need to apologize to your mother. - Not me. - For what? For being wrong. I guess these days I only draw a crowd when I'm on trial for murder. - Mom, you don't have to... - We have guests. However few of them there are. This is not your fault, Ollie. - How's your mom doing? - Oh, you know us Queen women... - nothing gets to us. - You must take after your dad. [CELL PHONE RINGING] Sorry. Sin, what's up? - I found Max. ROY: Where? - I'm on my way. - They find Max? Um, no. She just wants me to stop by. - I can come with you. - You should stay here. Your mom needs you. Okay, I'll call you later. Time for a dance? Not really feeling like dancing with you, Oliver. I know. And that is why... I called him. FYI, they will card him at the bar. BOTH: Hi. I was serious about not being able to dance... but I'll hold your hands and sway. Heh. - Sold. BARRY: Okay. Sorry. I tried to warn you. I tried to ignore you. I am sorry, Oliver. Yeah. Oliver threw you a lovely party. Oliver's a good son, if not the best judge of character. Is everything okay? Everything is going perfectly. [GRUNTING] He doesn't have long. If this miracle drug is on board, then we need to find it now. Slade, we'll be back in a few minutes, okay? I'll just get comfortable. SHADO: There. [SPEAKING IN JAPANESE] Miracle. I wasn't ever sure it was real. - What happens if we give it to Slade? - He needs a sedative in his bloodstream first. They might have potassium bromide or Barbital. Ugh. It's empty. What happens if we give it to him without the sedative? - Sara! - He'll die for sure. He's going to die anyway. [THUD] What was that? Ivo and his men. They're on the sub. MOIRA: Have you made contact? - Yes. He said to tell you that your information was gratefully accepted. Thank you. - Who was that? - Nothing to worry about. Thank you for tonight, Oliver. It was a lovely party. I'm so sorry that I put you through that. Oh. Listen, I don't care what anyone else in the city thinks of me. I only care what you two think. [CELL PHONE RINGING] And I have to get back to the office. - Mm-hm. - Excuse me. Thea. - There's something I need to tell you. - Sure, what is it? I love you. I love you too. Yes. Yes, sir. I... Yes, Director Singh, I know that this is not the first time. Yes, sir, I do value my job. Very much. I will be on the next train. Mm-hm. I'll be back tonight. Okay. Well, my boss found out I don't have food poisoning. I need to get back to Central City if I still wanna be employed. Which I do. Um, tell the S.C.P.D. that the sedative in the thief's blood is ketamine. It's a schedule-3 controlled substance. Shouldn't be too hard to track. - I'll make sure they get it. - Okay. - It was really nice working with you. - Thank you. We couldn't have done it... without you. Heh. Goodbye, Felicity. Bye. Max! Get off! Let go. - Max. Get off of me. Get off. - Hey, let her go. Let her go. Stupid cops. They're saying Max OD'd. - Was he using? - No. He made extra cash donating blood. You think the hospital would let him be a donor if he was an addict? Hey. You can't be here, kid. We found trace amounts of ketamine in the thief's blood. It's a common surgical anesthesia derived from hydrochloric salt. Can you use that to track him? With the current concentration ratio in the sample... there's one location with a large enough quantity of the sedative... that correlates with the amount of blood the stolen centrifuge can process. - What is it? There's no sign. - A.R.G.U.S. doesn't like to advertise. It's a disaster bunker. A.R.G.U.S. has them all over the country. They store relief supplies. Food. Clothing. - Medicine. - I'm on my way. FELICITY: Oliver. I can't believe I'm actually saying this. The way this arrow head is bent... it means our thief's muscle density... is at least 120 pounds per cubic foot. That's almost the same density as common concrete. Your arrows may cut, but they will not stop him. I beat someone like this before, Felicity. - I can do it again. - What if you can't? [COMPUTER BEEPS] Oliver. Now, this, it could save you, or it could kill you. By the looks on your faces, I'm gonna die anyway. - I'm sorry. - For what? Not telling you how I really feel. Do it. [SCREAMING] GREEN ARROW: What? I need your help. A friend of mine's friend, the cops think he OD'd. - We think he was murdered. - Why? Well, he wasn't an addict, for starters. And this. This doesn't look like any OD I've ever seen. - Stay away from that. - You know something? What happened to him? You're the one who told me to be your eyes and ears. - Know what? That is not good enough. - Fine. Then we're done altogether. I don't need you. I have friends that can help me. - You can't stop us. - I can slow you down. [ROY SHOUTING] And I thought it couldn't hurt to add extra security guards. It hurt them. Badly. Have you prepared Thea? No. You will not go near Thea. You will not speak to her. And you will never set foot in this house again. I set you free, Moira. Your life belongs to me. I am through being afraid of you. Ha, ha. You think you can stop me? - Even the vigilante couldn't kill me. - No, he couldn't. But I know someone who can. Ra's Al Ghul. How do you know that name? Well, I didn't, until you mentioned Nanda Parbat. The League of Assassins, however twisted their aims... believes very deeply in a code of honor. Your Undertaking betrayed that code. - You told Ra's I'm still alive? - He was so grateful to hear it. Because he so very much wants to kill you himself. So my advice to you, Malcolm: Run. This isn't finished. - Who are you? - Merely a follower. - Of who? - My brother. Did he give you the Mirakuru? Did he inject you with it? ACOLYTE: No. He saved me with it. [ACOLYTE GROANING] [BOTH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING] [SCREAMING] No. Please. Please! Please. Drop your weapons! FELICITY: Oliver. DIGGLE: Oliver? - Oliver. Oliver! - Oliver. - Is he alive? - His pulse is weak, but there. Oliver, can you hear me? His pupils are dilated. - What the hell was that? - I don't know. It's coded. Damn it. Damn it. I can't break into the dispensary files. I have no idea what he was injected with. Poisoned with. We have no choice. - What are you doing? Dig, wait. - Calling 911. Can't wait. How do we explain this? Everyone's gonna find out Oliver's the vigilante. Which won't matter if he's dead. - Felicity, we can't save him. - I know. You're right. We can't. [PANTING] Hi. Uh, one way to Central City. It left 10 minutes ago. Of course it did. - When is the next one? - In the morning. In the morning. [SIGHS] [SHOUTS] Please save my friend. [English - US - SDH] (Adult Adam) Back in the '80s, before the Internet, there weren't as many ways to find love. If you were lucky, you might get on "the dating game." If you were really lucky, you'd run into Beverly goldberg. I've got the perfect man for you, Inez. His name's Tony. He's 53, non-smoker, works for the city, and he is literally the most handsome man I've ever seen. No, I don't know how fast I was going, but you know what I do know? No wedding ring. Have I got someone for you. Her name is Delia. She's 34 years old, real outdoorsy just like you, and she is literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. (Mouth full) I am telling you, he is literally the most handsome man I've ever seen. (Chuckles) Is lucky interested in having puppies? 'Cause I know a springer spaniel. Literally the cutest dog I've ever seen. My mom was eharmony, jdate, and grindr all rolled into one. She could match up anyone. Well, almost anyone. Good morning! Wow, dad, don't you look dapper? Big date tonight? Actually, I just finished my date from last night. Was this the aerobics instructor? - The antiques dealer. - No. This was the manager from coco's. I ordered the steak, she ordered the me. Here we go. Kids, you know the drill. Give us the room. Come on. This is pure gold. I gotta get this on tape. - You stay, Murray. - I stay. Please help me talk some sense into this man. Mom's been gone for ten years. He's dated at least five different women a week. That's over 2,000 women. You're saying something that's good, but you're saying it like it's bad. I just think maybe it's time you found someone special. Maybe someone who doesn't wear a tube top to work. Hey, what's-her-name was plenty special. What was her name? Um... Tawny? Tammy? Taffy? Ta... is Taffy a name? Just give me a chance, dad. I can help you find the perfect woman. I have a gift. Tell him, Murray. She has a gift, this one. Fact... 16 of my setups led to marriage, which resulted in 37 children. I did that. I created life. She's like God. Trust me, dad. I know what's best for you. - She knows what's best. - The hell she does. Bevy, you just can't help yourself. You have to mix in. I'm not mixing in. I'm just trying to tell you what to do, even though you don't want me to. Just do her thing. Murray, you're really not helping me right now. Will you please just give him your honest opinion about how you feel about this? - You want my honest opinion? - Mm-hmm. Well... (Sighs) I think he's doing great on his own. - Get out. - Good-bye. Please, dad, let me find you just one woman. You could even write down what you want, and I'll find it. I'm that good. No one's that good. Try me. Fine. One date, but nothing serious. I think you're really gonna love being set up by your daughter. See? Now you're saying something that's bad, but you're saying it like it's good. You're very confusing today. (I fight dragons) ♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ It was October 12, 1980-something. Every day after school, i had a tradition with my big sis Erica... "General hospital." It was more than a soap opera. It was an obsession. God, I hate Luke. Me, too. But I'm drawn to his danger. Who isn't? Erica loved watching her stories, and I got sucked in, too. Mostly 'cause the alternative was this... (Slapping) (Barry) Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? (Panting) Huh? What'd your face ever do to you? Get off me, Barry! Say "I love it when Barry whoops my ass." I'm not gonna say it. Say it! I'm not gonna say it. Say it! I love it when Barry whoops my ass. Oh! Really? Then I'm-a keep on going! (Slapping) Aw, man. This was what quality time looked like with my brother Barry... Until the day that changed everything. Erica? It's starting. Hurry up! Get out. You get out. "General hospital's" on. - Lame. - Your puppet show's any better? He's not a puppet. He's alf. He eats cats and says what he thinks. Hey, you taped it. You can watch it later. Hey, don't touch it! I was here first! - Give me this! - Erica, get down here! (Buttons clicking, program playing) Come here. Dude! Stop! Don't move. (Instrumental music playing) Do you see what I see? I see it. Back in the day, finding naughty adult stuff was impossible. But somehow, we hit the right combo of buttons on our cable box and stumbled upon a scrambled channel we didn't pay for. (Women giggling) Boobs. I see scrambled boobs. Okay. (Presses button) Who's ready to check into "general hospital"? Um, I think I'm gonna watch "alf" with Barry instead. "Alf"? What about Luke and Laura? He said he's not interested! Now leave us be. What the hell is going on? Is Barry forcing you to be here? No, I'm here by choice. (Whispering) If you're in trouble, blink. Whatever. Guess I'll just watch it in my room. (TV playing indistinctly) No! (Pounds TV) No! No! It's gone! What happened? Calm down. We just gotta retrace our steps. - Okay. - So, yeah, you go back there. Okay, so I grabbed it... And then I came in... I came in hard, though. Yeah. And then we shook it about. We were clicking, you were tugging with it. (Buttons clicking, various programs playing) (Muttering) "Uh, Erica, get down here." Bang, bang. Oh... oh, there! We got it! (Breathing heavily) Good job, kid. It was the first thing Barry and I ever bonded over. I could stay like this forever. Agreed? (Women giggling) Agreed. For once in our lives, we were on the same channel. All right. Your perfect woman. Ooh, here we go. Tell me everything. All right. For start... I think she should be at least 5'2", with kind eyes, and age-appropriate but spry. Whoa, whoa. Don't I tell you what i want here? Of course. (Mouths words) You're gonna want someone with a great sense of humor. Not someone who steals the show, but she should be sweet and cute and have a tush like two scoops of vanilla ice cream. - Dad! - Could be chocolate. Are you gonna take this seriously? I'm trying to, but you're not letting me. Fine. Tell me what you want. All right. She should be... dangerous, alluring, and smart. Like, really smart. Mensa smart. But when it comes to making sensible decisions, she should be kinda dumb. Smart but dumb? So dumb. And she should have a slender dancer's body and be bendy like a Chinese acrobat. Bendy. You know what would be nice? Carly Simon's lips. Put it down. Carly Simon lips. I'm sorry. Are you involved in this? You said to give him my honest opinion. That's what I'm doing. How's about this? Long hair, like a mermaid. Boom! Write it up. She should be exotic, but not too exotic. A Latin flavor, but it should be impossible to know exactly where she comes from. Impossible! And we're done. If this is really the type of woman you want, then, damn it, I'm gonna find it. I really wanna meet this woman. (Lowered voice) Can you imagine? (Shouts) Marriage is nice, too! For the next five days, my mom focused on her biggest matchmaking challenge yet... Finding pops the perfect woman. 72 years old? Are you kidding me with this? (Lid clatters) Well, I don't care how good her wig looks, Ruth applebaum. Don't you call me back until you've got a real lead. (Lid opens, clatters) Stop lurking. We're having frozen pizza for dinner. Go pop one in the oven. Frozen pizza? That's the second time this week. Just know, six is my limit. I'm not stopping till I find my father the perfect woman. Bevy, you do realize that your dad's just giving you busy work to keep you off his back, right? I know that. Do you think I'm really looking for a smart but dumb Chinese acrobat? I hope so. My father has given me the opportunity to find him his dream woman, so I'm gonna find him my dream woman. Why? He's having a blast. Is he really happy? Very happy! Happiest person I've ever seen. I know what's best for my father, and it's more than likely one of these 16 lovely ladies. Turns out, my mom cast a wide net. (Phone dialing) How about that? She was studying to be a cosmonaut. You don't see that every day. Barry and I spent the next three days staring at the boob tube. And while the quality time was nice, it came with a price. (Women giggling) I've had this migraine that won't go away. Seriously? Me, too. Maybe squinting at the TV for hours at a time just isn't so good for our brains. I fell down at school today. I had a scrambled dream last night. (Giggling continues) Maybe we should take a break. Are you insane? We gotta take this to the next level, bro. - How? - I know this dude who knows this other dude who went up to the roof and got every channel by jamming a pair of tweezers into the antenna thingy. It sounds like a great idea! So it's settled. Next time we're home alone, you'll go up to the roof, and I'll stay down here and see if it works. - Why do I have to go? - 'Cause you have tiny little fingers that make it easy to get into places and poke at live electrical wires. You're making a lot of sense today. Listen. No matter what happens, we gotta keep this quiet - and not attract any attention. - Agreed. What's happening? What's going on here? What? Nothing. Can't two best bros do a wolf puzzle in peace? You guys broke something, you killed somebody... Something's going on. Off to our big double date. (Chuckles) Burned through $100 in international phone calls, but I found pops a perfect dream woman, so wish me luck. I mean, wish pops luck. Not that he needs any luck. He's always getting lucky. Not like that. (Giggles) I've had some iced wine. I'm excited! How's my hair? Hey, dad. Uh... do me a favor. Watch the morons tonight. - What do I get out of it? - Your dad's gratitude. - So nothing? - 20 bucks. Love you, daddy. - Okay. - (Singsongy) Okay! Have fun, boys! (Kisses) (Normal voice) Be safe. - Oh, we will. - Safety first. (Walkie-talkie blips) Falcon has eyes on the target. I repeat... (Breathing heavily) Falcon is closing in. Whoa, wait. I wanted to be falcon. (Blips) Fine. Golden eagle is on the move. Oh, man, that's way better. I'm that! Just pick a name! Fine! I'm golden falcon... shark. Over. (Blips) 10-4. Whoa! (Gasps) I'm okay. I'm okay. It's kind of steep up here. Over. Be careful. I love you. I mean... never mind. Over. It's okay. It's out there now. I love you, too. Whatever. Over? (Walkie-talkie blips) All right. I-I'm tweezing the antenna thing. See anything? (Clicking) No. Still scrambled. Try jamming your tweezer in there as hard as you can. Okay. How about now? ! (Screams and grunts) (Thuds) Still getting nothing. (Taps TV) Tweeze harder. (Buttons clicking) As our plan was going up in flames, pops' night was about to be smoking hot. My mom had searched every tennis club, country club, and book club in the tri-state area, and tracked down pops' dream woman. Sophia. Mwah! I'm so sorry. My dad's running late, but this is my husband Murray. (Foreign accent) It's a pleasure to meet you. You, too. So, uh, are you from around here? No. No small talk. We'll, uh... We'll cover all that when my dad gets here. - All right. - Okay. Well, I guess a little small talk is okay. - Do you like sangria? - I love it. - I'm gonna order some sangria. - Okay. I love sangria. Oh. Okay. Two sangrias, please? Sure. I'd love a sangria. Okay. Three sangrias. (Lowered voice) I'm sorry. - Beverly goldberg? - Yes. There's a phone call for you. Oh. (Chuckles) Must be my dad. I'll be back in a jiff. (Giggles) Don't forget the sangrias. Thanks. Hello? Hey, honey, uh, I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight. I'm feeling a little under the weather. Dad, you promised. Down some aspirin and get over here. (Forced coughing) I think it's better I stay home tonight. (Jazz music playing) What's that? ♪ Oh, uh, uh, I threw on a record. You know me. Jazz is my medicine. Are you at Dexter's? No! Don't be ridiculous! Please give a warm Dexter's welcome to the shorty flanders trio! (Applause) Dad, we had a deal! Don't you dare stand me up! Sweetie, it's not you, it's me. Don't you give me one of your lines. I'd better get to bed. I-I have an early meeting in the morning. A meeting? You're retired 20 years. (Line clicks) Hello? Hello? Are you single? I know the most handsome attorney. (Erica) Are you crazy? Why the hell were you on the roof? Roof? Who was on the roof? No one fell off the roof. I fell off nothing onto nothing. Enough, okay? Someone better start talking right now. Listen. I know dad is paying you 20 bucks to watch us. I have something even better to make you look the other way. A library card? Walk away. Okay, you two have been acting like best friends... All week, and it's creeping me out, so tell me what the hell is going on. Even if we had something to hide, - which we don't... - We don't. - We'd never rat each other out. Never. - Never. - Hyah! - Hyah! What the hell was that? You have a coordinated handshake now? That's what brothers do. It's a bond even you can't break. Fine. Then I'll just tell mom. Okay, it was Adam's idea, okay? He was the one who found the naked channel in the first place, then he got greedy and wanted more, so he went to the roof. It was all him! Are you kidding me? ! Don't drag me down with you, perv! You got problems, man! You got serious problems! Son of a... -I was furious my brother sold me out so easily, and I'd let him know with a swift punch to the arm. (Punch echoes) Or not. It was a total accident, but, oh, that didn't matter. Never once had we punched face. A threshold had been crossed, and there was no going back now. You punched my face? It was an accident! I was aiming for your arm. Come on, golden falcon shark. It's me. We have the brother bond, right? (Pants and chuckles nervously) I'm gonna punch your face so hard! - No, no, no, no, no, no! - Yes, yes, yes. While I was on the run, pops was just getting settled for the night. (Clinking) (Giggling) Mmm. Ahh. Muy bueno. (Women giggle) Okay. Fun's over. You have a date to keep. Ooh. This is some real bad timing. See, I'm already on a date. Uh, two, actually. Stella and Lucy. - Sandra. - Lorraine. Well, whoever you are, please excuse us. I gotta start bringing some nametags. Do you know how much time it took me to find you an amazing woman for tonight? Well, I found two so-so women in no time. Stop working so hard. Forget it. If you want to waste your time with women half your age in a pit that smells like a shoe, have at it. Oh, don't be like that. It's just a date. There'll be others. No, there won't be. Sophia was perfect, and you blew it. All I wanted was to find you someone who will love you and make you happy. - Yeah, well, that's not what i want. - Why not? Because I already had that with your mother. Go home, bev, please. Come on, Adam! You can't hide forever. Can't you please just forget this ever happened? No! You've broken the unspoken agreement. We do not punch face. You never told me that! It was unspoken! But the line has been crossed, and there's no going back! Starting now, it's all face punches, all the time! Adam, come out. He's not gonna punch you in the face. (Lowered voice) Nice. You lure him out, and I'll cold-cock him in the eyeball. - I heard that! - Okay, you got me. I give up. (Lowered voice) You'll go downstairs with him. - I'll jump out and... - I still hear you! Just open the door. Trust me, Barry doesn't have the guts to punch you in the eyeball. (Normal voice) I do, too, have the guts. I'm, like, 90% gut. (Door opens) Fine. The unspoken rule has been broken. (Sighs) Do what you have to do. Yes. Here it comes. Brace your face. Here comes the hammer. It's punch time! Damn it. Told you. (Exhales) So... Do you wanna watch scrambled girls? Nah. Kinda over it. Yeah, me, too. (Sighs) For the record, it wasn't just about the boobs for me. (Exhales) It was just cool hanging out with you. Had its moments. From that moment on, there was something different between us. I went from Barry's annoying little brother... (Tv playing indistinctly) To his friend. (Both laugh) Then I'll see you in a few days. (Laughter) ("Let my love open the door" by Pete townshend playing) Hey, sweetie. Everyone alive? Yeah. Uh, nothing crazy to report. (Sighs) ♪ When people keep repeating (laughing) ♪ that you'll never fall in love ♪ ♪ when everybody keeps retreating ♪ ♪ but you can't seem to get enough ♪ Hey. ♪ Let my love open the door mind if I hang out for a bit? What happened to your date? Eh, wasn't feeling it. Look. I know you worked hard to find someone for me, and I'm sorry I bailed. I'm sorry, too. You were right. I always mix in, and I think I know what's best for everyone. But I mean well. And that's the only thing that makes it okay, honey. (Chuckles) It makes sense now why you never get serious with anyone. They're just... not mom. She was one of a kind. (Exhales) Yeah, she was. ♪ To your heart ♪ let my love open the door I just wanted you to have someone you loved to make new memories with. That's what you guys are for. ♪ To your heart ♪ my love open the door well, just promise me you won't close yourself off forever. Okay. But you promise me no more setups. Deal. ♪ Let my love open the door... But when it came to matchmaking, my mom couldn't help herself. ♪ Let my love open the door... My God, what a coincidence. It's Sophia. (Sighs) You are unbelievable. Although she does have carly Simon lips. - Am I good, or what? - Not bad. I'm probably gonna need to cancel my morning meeting. ♪ Open the door ♪ to your heart... While my mom found pops a new connection, Barry and I went back to our old routine, although now there was a little more respect. - Huh? - My glasses! - Oh. - Yeah. - Why are you hitting yourself? - Uhh! - Why are you hitting yourself? - Aah! (Grunting and laughter) Ow! (Grunts) (Bell dings) (Grunting) Ow! Aah! My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes, and big blonde hair. Mmm, she sounds fun. She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass. Oh! Sit up straight, honey. And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets. Mm. (Mouth full) By the way, thank you for the hot pocket. All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy. (Chuckles and kisses) Mwah! You know you just described mom. (Normal voice) What? I did n... oh, my God! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all! And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all! In many ways, they'll miss the good old days Someday, someday Yeah, it hurts to say But I want you to stay Sometimes, sometimes Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth I will do my best You say you wanna stay by my side Darlin', your head's not right See, alone we stand Together we fall apart Yeah, I think I'll be all right - Hey, David. - Hey, Joey. Your brother's looking for you. - Hey. - Hey, David. Where the hell were you? - Did you take the truck home again? - Yeah. Pop asked you not to use the meat truck for personal purposes. - Hi, Mom. - But you did it anyway? Uh-huh. - Do you have the jerseys for tonight? - Yes. No, no, no, seriously. Do you have the jerseys for tonight? - Yes. Yes, sweetheart, yes. - Aleksy, hang up. Yeah, sweetheart. I should never have gotten this woman pregnant. Do not procreate, David. Reproduction is a very bad idea. Do not reproduce, ever. Hey, I'm sorry. To pay back some money that I owe, I've built a little hydroponic greenhouse in my apartment. You're... You're growing pot? And you're the only person I know with a green thumb. - And you want me to grow pot? - Yeah. Right. Absolutely. That is the one thing missing for me right now to achieve total happiness. Getting into a drug ring. Because the pressure of my wife calling me every three minutes because she's about to give birth to my first child isn't intense enough. How much do you owe? - Eighty. - "Eighty"? - Eighty thousand. - Eighty thousand? When you say it with that face, it does make it seem like a lot. How do you get yourself into these situations, David? $80,000? What happened? How do you owe someone $80,000? I borrowed money to invest in Newtech. - That is a pyramid scheme. - It is not a pyramid scheme. - The guy was arrested! - Those charges were unrelated! - He was arrested! - David. You know, David, I love you like a son. I am your son. Which is why I love you like a son. But if you don't have our new jerseys for tonight's game... I have the jerseys. You gotta have the jerseys. It's the team picture. I have the jerseys. He won't have the jerseys. Come on, come on. WOMAN'. Your loan has been denied. But if I don't get the $80,000, there's people that are gonna come and drown me. Can you please put that down on your little form, that there's people that are gonna come drown me? You do not have the necessary collateral. That is why we're not gonna give you any money. Basically, then, you're just a big goddamn pawn shop. No, we're not a pawn shop. You're a pawn shop with fancy furniture. And for all these reasons, I have to turn down your application. I'm very sorry. All right. I understand. This is a hold-up. Excuse me? I said, "All right. I understand." This is a hold-up, asshole. - Excuse me, you just said something. - No. - Just then, you said something. - No. I'm here. I'm David Wozniak. I'm here to pick up my jerseys. - I've been waiting for you. - I know! I know! I'm so sorry, but my team photo is tonight. The whole team has to have their jerseys, it's for the whole year. - All right already! - Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. Yes! - A bag? - No. Rolling papers? I grow tomatoes. Hey! It's a delivery truck! I'm making a delivery. You're kidding me, right? Yes. I swear I have the jerseys, on our mother's... Yes! On our mother's grave. The jerseys are with me in the truck as we speak. Hey! Come on, stop! Hey! Hey! You got my jerseys! - I know it's late. - Yes, it is. But you brought me such beautiful flowers. I did. And Mr. Bernstein takes such great care of them. Where have you been, David? Emma, I'm sorry. I was trying to pay back some money that I owe. I understand, but why can't you call or text? And why can't I come to your apartment anymore? I never said you couldn't come to my place. - Are you hiding something? - Nothing. You're sure you're not hiding anything in your apartment. Nope. I'm pregnant. That's great. Yeah. - Emma... - No. You know what? I can... I can do this on my own. What do you mean, "on your own"? I want a child, okay? But I don't want a father who just disappears because he gets too busy. You're unreliable. I mean, you've got... You've got money problems. You basically don't have a life. This is not a life. - I have a life. - You don't have a life. People who have a life do not ring pregnant women's doorbells at 3:00 in the morning. I didn't know you were pregnant. David, you would know. If you just called me every once in a while. I guess... I guess at first, for a second there, I was in shock. I mean, you know, it was a shock. But then, you know, the... That feeling of fear went away, and I got this feeling that this could be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. Stevie, no. Hey, Stevie, no! Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Go back to bed. Go back to bed. Back to bed. Not in the sandbox. Hey, where are you going? No, don't go in the sandbox. Not in the sandbox! You gotta talk Emma into getting an abortion. - What? - You have to. How could you say such a thing? How can you say stuff like that in front of your children? My children know that they're too old to be aborted. I'm realizing that I might want a kid. You are a free man. You do not want kids. Kids are a black hole. They will suck up all of your energy, your money, your time, your hair. Remember when I had great hair? I can't get it up anymore. How can you talk like this in front of your children? I can say anything I want in front of my children because they don't listen to me. My children do not pick up on the frequencies of my voice. And I'm telling you, I have a problem achieving a full erection now. It's not normal for a man of my age to no longer have a nice, big erection. Hey, what are you doing? Listen to me, go back to bed. Not in the sandbox. Don't get in the sand. Don't go in the sand! - As your friend... - Daddy? No. No, no, no. Hey. - Dad. - Back to bed, honey. Daddy. I'm trying to have a conversation. Please stop that. - Daddy! - Okay, stop that now. I'm telling you, I think I might want a kid. As your friend and as your lawyer, David, may I be brutally frank with you? Sure. You don't have the skills to bring up a child. I need order in my life. And this is order? I think this is beautiful. Daddy! David Wozniak. Uh, the back door was already broken into. My name is Mark Williams. I'm an attorney. I've been trying to contact you for several days now, Mr. Wozniak. I do not have a great deal of time. I shall be brief. Between 1991 and 1994, you donated sperm under the pseudonym "Starbuck" at the privately-owned Graboski-Levitt Clinic, which I represent. No. That was not a question, it was a statement. We have all the documents necessary to prove it. Over the course of 33 months, you were a very, very frequent donor. You donated 693 times in exchange for which you received the sum of $24,255. Your sperm is of a very high quality. Oh, thank you. I'm sure your sperm is also high-end. Uh... Certain complications arose, which meant that for a period, Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm to all the women in his clientele. You have sired 533 children and 142 of them wish to know your identity. What? You are the biological father of 533 children. At the time of each of your multiple donations, you signed a confidentiality agreement. Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic is obligated to protect your identity. But a subset of your children is contesting the legality of those documents. They wish to know who Starbuck is. You say that for each of the 693 sperm donations you signed a confidentiality agreement under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"? Every time. Always. I always signed the confidentially agreement, always. And you signed those documents before or after executing the manual labor? Before. And you always wrestled the dragon alone? Yes. Frankly, I'm disappointed you never told me about any of this. Usually you call up your friends after you get laid, not after you wrestle the dragon alone. But if you absolutely insist, I promise you I will phone you every single time I fly solo. That's an interesting offer. Unfortunately, way too time-consuming. Listen, they claim that your right to privacy should take a back seat to their basic human right to know who their biological father is. It's very complex. Very, very complex. It's... It's really complex. Do you know that this is the dream of every lawyer to argue a case this significant? A case that will leave its mark? That will stand as a precedent? My mother always said that I would never amount to anything. - I'll show that old bitch. - What do we do now? As your lawyer, I suggest you cease masturbating in fertility clinics. - Do I have to get a real lawyer? - You can't afford a real lawyer. I'm gonna call the Bar Association today, reactivate my license. You don't have a license? I lost it because of a small formality. Something about a missing dated form and a bribe. It's nothing. Oh! Yes, in hopes of persuading Starbuck to meet with them, 142 of the children in your lawsuit want you to know who they are. This envelope contains the profiles of 142 of your children. Do not open it! Brett. Hey, Starbuck. Don't call me that. Can Susan take the kids? When she's not investing all her energy in her new career, she prefers to wisely use her time sleeping with men I don't like. Do you have a babysitter? Why, you need someone to watch over that envelope? I know I shouldn't have, but I've opened it. Worst idea ever. I picked out one of the profiles. I just picked one. One. Do you know whose profile I picked? Andrew Johansson. We got to go. What do you got? - $225 - $200. There he is. Let's go, baby. Take it. Take it. Come on, 13! Let's go, 13! Come on, Johansson. 13 is wide open! Let's go! Yeah! Andrew Johansson with the three. Play defense, play defense, play defense! Play defense, play defense! Yes! Do you see him? Do you see him? He stopped it, he blocked it. He got right in the lane. Did you see him get in the lane? Did you see 13 get in the lane? We got 13, guys. Why don't they put him in? Why don't they put him in? The game's almost over. Why are they not... They put him in! Andrew Johansson. Thirteen seconds. Okay, set up. He's open, he's open, he's open. Hit him, hit him, hit him! Pass it to 13! Pass it to 13! Why won't they give it to 13? Give it to him! He's open! Catch it. Got it, got it, got it! Andrew! Andrew! Andrew! Andrew! Andrew! Those were my genes. My genes were on a professional basketball court tonight! In a way, you could say that that was an extension of myself that hit that game-winning shot! I mean, do your kids play professional basketball? No, not to my knowledge. But I will inquire. They don't tell me everything. So, I've been thinking that we could plead insanity. - What? - I don't know. Maybe you would not be held responsible for actions taken while mentally unstable. We could bank on your mental problems. I don't have mental problems. I don't have mental problems! When we're in court, I want you to say it exactly that way. One, two, three, Wozniak! Let's go. Come on! One, two. One, two. One two. Big time, big time, big time! Let's play some basketball. Come in. Back up, back up! Hurry up! Come up, up, up! - Are you allowed to hit the arm? - No. Okay. Pick and roll! Let's go! Back, back, back! D, D, D! Great steal! Here we go, hit me! I'm going in for the jam. Okay, not a jam. What the hell position is he playing? A little help? Thank you. All right. Why don't we meet up back here at two? Emma! Uh... Give me a second? I have officially decided to have a life. I'm at work. I'm going to convince you that I deserve to be this kid's father. I'm sorry, excuse me. Four days in a row, I have not had any sleep. But I've never been so happy in my life. I never thought that I would love anyone that much. The kid poops four times a day and I think I'm losing my mind. I think I'm going crazy, because I swear his diapers make me so proud. I'm totally convinced that my child takes way better dumps than any other kid. Your brother wants parental leave so he can spend more time admiring his son's diapers. It's the law, okay? I'm entitled to parental leave. I had three kids, and two hours after each of them was born, I was here, serving customers. You absolutely have to have kids, David. What? My girlfriend's pregnant. You got a girlfriend? Yeah. David, you're gonna love it. You are gonna love it. Your kid is never gonna poop as good as my kid, but you are gonna love it. - Can you believe that? - No. I promise, I will only be gone an hour. No, I won't. Look, I've called everyone. How many times have I covered for you? Oh, my God, man. I'm begging you, man. I really, really need you to do this for me. I can't even talk to you. Yeah? Can I help you? I'll have a espresso to go, please. I said "to 903. Is there a lid? Do you have a lid? Usually, you get a lid when you order a coffee to go. $3.25. You could be a bit more polite. Polite? I'm a customer. You're a barista. Would it be possible to act in a polite manner? What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about a little "please" and "thank you." - A little thank you. - Oh, I'm sorry. Is that not considered cool by your generation anymore? Who the hell are you, man? I'm just saying if you smiled a little more, maybe there would be more people in here. If you want to be a waiter... Well, there's the thing. I don't want to be a waiter. I'm an actor. I am an actor missing the opportunity of a lifetime right now. And you, because you give me three bucks and a quarter, you want me to smile? You want me to smile when I am totally pissing away my life? It doesn't have to be a big smile. Okay. Have a nice day. Good afternoon. I'll take care of the coffee shop. Yes or no? Customers come in sometimes. It isn't always empty. I can't leave you with the shop. But it's the role of a lifetime. Yeah, and how do I know you won't just walk off with the cash? You can leave with my truck full of meat. And why would you do this? Satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone make something of themself. Bring it back without a scratch. Okay. People might come in. I can figure out how to make a cup of coffee. All right. Okay. Thanks. It is total chaos in the meat market today, David. And you decide to disappear? In the whole family business, you know you've got the easiest job, right? And in spite of having the simplest job, you manage to do the job badly! It's like every day you find a new way to push back the frontiers of incompetence! There are only two components to your chosen occupation. Get meat, deliver meat. That's not what I ordered. It's free. Take it, it's free. You're no longer a "deliverer." You're more of a "keeper." Why is our truck still full of meat? Why? Why have you only taken our meat out for a drive? - Yeah? - I'll Have... Tell me who you are before I call the cops. I'm the waiter. I'm the owner. I do the hiring here. Josh got called in for the audition of a lifetime. Fine. He can look for another job, then. Sir, it was the audition of a lifetime. That's not the problem. What's the problem? He's not a good actor. He has never been cast. Never. He's a good kid, but he's wasting his life. He's fired. Look, this whole thing was my idea. So, I guess it's your fault if he can't pay his rent. I lost my job? You lost your job. I got the part. You got the part? Yeah, they loved me. You got the part? As of today, I'm an actor. - Congratulations, man! - Thanks. Thanks, man. Thanks. Wow! I knew it! I knew you were gonna bail on me. How the hell am I supposed to pay the rent? Okay, wait. No, no, wait! Wait! The cash is on the table. I'm four dollars short. Peter, you owe me money. No, you owe me money! Okay, so then, what are you gonna do about it? You told me June. Tell me, what am I supposed to do now, huh? Tell me! What am I supposed to do now? Miss, don't worry about the money. You, uh, won your pizza. Yeah, you won the contest. You won our, uh... You won our "Eat and Win" contest. I don't know what you want, but this is not a good time. I'm not doing too well right now, so can you leave my apartment? Yes. Yes, absolutely. I'm about to call the police! No. No need for that at all. It's only that I can see that you're not doing very well, and we have a policy that's very, very, very strict in the condition in which we can leave our customers. Here at... At Rocco's Pizzeria, we believe in a more humane pizza. So, is everything okay? Miss? Shit! Okay, okay, you're okay, you're okay. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. Miss. Miss! - Kristen? - Miss! Let go of me! Kristen! Kristen! Excuse me, and who are you? Are you ashamed to say you're my father? No. May I have a word with you? Yes. The good news is that for the moment, we just happen to have a spot open in our rehab program. The bad news is that your daughter seems totally uninterested in the program. Since she is still a minor, it's your decision. - I'm not... - It's a very good program. We've gotten great results. I'll talk to her. Hi. How are you? Please sign the release. Look, I don't know who you are, but... I'm begging you, sign the papers. - They have a great program here. - I can stop on my own. I mean, I just had the scare of my life! - Please sign the papers. - I think the program is... No, if I do the program then I'm gonna be surrounded 24 hours a day by addicts. And I guarantee, I will relapse. People don't stop using in these programs. They stop when they wanna stop. - They will help you. - They'll lock me up. And I'll lose my job. I just... I just got this great job and I have nothing in my life besides this job. - I'll talk to the... - Thank you. I'm going to sign the release. Worst decision that you'll ever make. She says she'll be happy. Right now she doesn't need to be happy. She needs to stop using. And she will. Do you love your daughter? I do. Tell her. Go tell her that you love her. And tell her that you will not sign that release. Where do you work? Bloomingdale's. - You're okay for tonight? - Yes. - And you got my number. - Yeah. - Great. You start work tomorrow at... - 8:00. - Okay. And you'll be there at 8:00? - 8:00. Okay. Well... In my life, I have a tendency to make very, very, very bad decisions. Tell me that I haven't just made another wrong decision. You haven't. Thanks. Oh, man. Yes. Yes! Thank you, thank you. Yes! Whoo! Wonderful Glorious The sum of all your experiences A living breathing result of the fight And every night you spent shrouded in darkness Has led you to this moment in the light It's all right Wonderful Glorious I've never even tried that. When you do it, it's different than regular Pilates? That is why notable notorious Americans, such as Roger Morris, George Washington, Eliza Jumel and Aaron Burr... I'm a writer, too. I like to write. - Oh, that's awesome. - Yeah, yeah. - You hold me still. - Taxi! All right. Yeah. Grab my hand. - Just watch me dance. - Okay. Here, just take it. Wow! Okay, thanks! How about hitting this guy up? Yeah! Do you feel that? Have all called the Morris-Jumel Mansion "home." - Nice! - Thank you. - Exciting. - Thank you. It's all right. No, no. Okay. Okay, okay! My love is beautiful It's here for the taking It's strong and pure and utterly earth-shaking My love has brought me here to show you it's true A wretch like me You'll make it through Hey, come on, buddy, what are you doing? You never see a girl before? Wow. Honestly, really? Just keep walking. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, Shorty! Hello, Ice Queen! Hey, Ice Queen, I need a hand over here. Hey, I need a hand right here! On! Did you say "Ice Queen"? - Did you actually say "Ice Queen"? - Yeah. Don't say that! Don't say stuff like that! All right. All called the Roger Morris-Jumel Mansion "home." Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Was that unbelievable? Unbelievable! Don't forget the money, guys. And everything became clear. I had kind of an epiphany. I cannot be the father of 533 children. It's not possible. It is impossible to be the father of 533 children. It is impossible to be the father of four children. Right! Exactly. It's impossible. But I can be their guardian angel. Their guardian angel? They need me. They need a guardian angel. They need someone to look out for them. And I fathered them, so it's my responsibility. So, you're telling me that your purpose on Earth is to look out for, like a superhero, 533 children. I didn't say "superhero." Out of curiosity, when you're looking out for these children, will you be wearing any kind of cape? I didn't say "superhero." I said "guardian angel." So, no cape, but you will have wings and play the harp. I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable with this insanity plea. I do not have mental problems. Say it exactly like that to the judge. Thanks. Hey, there. So, today is the first ultrasound. David, look, I need... I need a friend. - I'm a friend. - I want that to be clear. It's clear. Okay, well, let's get going. I drank a gallon of water and I'm not allowed to pee before the ultrasound. - So, is that the leg there? - That is. Which one? Which one's the leg? The white spot that you see. - And is that the head up high? - That is the head up high. - Okay. - And we're gonna see the arm. - That's amazing. - Isn't it? So, now all the organs are okay? Yep. Perfect. I just passed by the baby's head. And there's the belly. My God, do you see the belly? And there's the whole baby. That's incredible. David, I'm not sure. Not sure of what? Look at them. They're monsters. I mean, look at that one. Look at him. Emma. This is the most absolute beautiful thing that can happen to anyone. Who are you? The Dalai Lama? What do you mean, "the most beautiful thing"? And look at that one. He's eating his own booger. It's a great source of protein. Listen. You are going to be a good mother. So, here's what. Since I absolutely do not trust you at all... What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna declare you the father. - Yes! - No, David, wait. I'm gonna declare you the father on probation. - "Father on probation"? - Yeah. You get no slack. For how long? Forever. Will our child have to call me "Daddy On Probation"? No. Will I have to wear a uniform that will separate me from the regular daddies? - No. - Then, I accept. We're having a kid. We're having a kid! Yes. Your name? - Earl Monroe. - And you are? A friend. He's over there. Great. Thank you. You're not going to visit with him? No. I... I just wanted to stop by and see him, and... - Well, now I have, so... - He would really enjoy it. Yeah, but... Don't worry, just say whatever comes to mind. Hey, Ryan. One, two, three. Earl Monroe. You did good. I said nothing the whole time. I couldn't get a word out. You were there. You did really good. Okay. Great. In Athabasca, we set a fire To the world we left far behind All the faces, we put away Lost lives float into space I got a message, I got a sign Through the wires swinging in time It's so simple, it's like the sun Shines down on everyone Black bird, from the blue I give my love to get used Our hopes come true Sabrina! Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - You are late. - I know, I'm sorry. Thank you very much. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Look, if we really want to find out who Starbuck is, we need these guys to help us put together the strategy to make sure that this thing doesn't turn into a circus. - We don't have the money. - We can do it on our own. The objective wouldn't be to always have them there. I think if we just take the time to check out what they've proposed... I simply wanted to express the fact that I feel we were better off without them. Yes, gentleman in the blue. Do you have a comment? I just want to say that... I don't know all of you here. But... But you're all focused, a lot, on finding Starbuck. But, whatever happens, you're all brothers and sisters. You've all found one another. - Hey! - Hey! - Hi. - Hi. What are you doing here? I'm... Yeah... You know, I'm... I'm the father. I'm the adoptive father. I'm Ryan's adoptive father. - Ryan? - He's not here tonight. He's at a home for the disabled. He's disabled, and he just couldn't make it. - Hey! - Hey. Kristen. This is... - Taylor. - Yeah. Taylor saved my life. He saved my life at the pool. He's a lifeguard. And I'm the adoptive father of Ryan, and he couldn't be here, because he's handicapped. You're the father of one of the children? - Adoptive. - Oh, wow. - How's it going? - Hey, hey, hey, Josh! Yeah. - Josh, this is Taylor, and this is Kristen. - How's it going? Josh worked at a coffee shop, and he is now an actor. Josh, this is Taylor. Taylor is a lifeguard. He saved my life a few months ago. And this is Kristen. Orders pizza. She is also an ex-drug addict. And I'm the adoptive father of a young disabled man who couldn't be here. And his name is Ryan. Hey, you're the guy from the park. - Hey. - How are you? Great. Josh, Kristen and Taylor. - Hey. - How are you? What's up? Adam. Kristen has got a great job, and she's still... Yep, I'm still working at Bloomingdale's. So the job, which is great. Everyone's doing great. And I'm the adoptive father of a disabled... Young disabled man. Ryan, who was obviously... Unfortunately, was in conflict with some of the disabled days of doing the activities and stuff that we're involved in. So, I got the stuff for him. I gotta run out of here. But everyone looks good. - Good to see you. - Great. Great to see you. Taxi! As of tonight, you are officially part of a mass action lawsuit against yourself. What the hell are you doing here? A bit of reconnaissance work. What the hell are you doing here? I was following one of my kids... But why are you doing this? Who does things like that? I don't know, I was curious. - Stop! - Stop what? Stop everything for the rest of your life. Every time you have an idea, I want you to come to me, and as your friend, I will shoot your idea down. You're not a normal person, David. I am a normal person. David, we've known each other for 20 years. I can tell you for a fact, you are not normal. I'm very normal. Really? - What about Mariouka? - I don't see the point... Five years ago, you married a Russian woman that you had never met. She needed to get into the country, and she promised to clean my apartment for a year. And she disappeared after three days with her real husband. David, how much money did you lose importing Cuban cigars? That guy looked very honest. He was in his bathing suit! Since when does anybody do business with a man in his bathing suit? Listen, for the first time in my life, I think I'm doing the right thing. You're not doing the right thing. Stop seeing your kids! Where's our money? I'll get it! I said I'll get it. It's now $100,000. So, I really need you to lend me some cash. Tony. It's David. Yeah... Hello? Phil! Buddy, how are you? Rob! Nelson! All right, don't worry, man. I understand. No, no. I'll catch you soon. Hello, David Wozniak. All the profiles. And I saw on your overdue bills that your name is David Wozniak. I was sitting behind you at the hotel. My name is Viggo. I'm your biological son. Are you gonna expose me? I don't know. I don't even really know why I ever wanted to meet you. Who are you? What do you do for a living? I work at a meat store. I'm a vegetarian. So, you murder animals. No. I deliver the meat. I don't murder it. I chauffeur it around. Leo Tolstoy says that, "if a man earnestly seeks a righteous life, "his first act of abstinence is from animal food." I did not know that. Sir Thomas More said, "The Utopians feel that slaughtering our fellow creatures "gradually destroys the sense of compassion "which is the finest sentiment of which our human nature is capable." That's interesting. Can we keep this our secret? Can I stay here a few days? I need to get to know you. It has only been two weeks, and he has become unbearable. Again this morning, he called me three times. That's three times this morning. He's taking up all of my time. Do whatever he wants. We can't let him expose you. Long conversations. Long, like police interrogations. He feels the need to bond. Do whatever he wants, or he will expose you. He wants to point out books that are so dense and so esoteric that it's impossible to make heads or tails of it. And then he'll twist it and ask if I agree with it, and then, he'll use it to prove that somehow I'm full of shit. I'm not having conversations with him, Brett. I'm in a chess game that I don't realize that I'm in. And it's exhausting. It's draining. No. - Answer it. - No! You have to answer it. Anything he wants. Hey, I got you a kale salad. You got me a what? Kale salad. I'm kidding. I got you a triple monster burger. Yes, please. Hey, should you be painting like this? Because I can do this. I can do the painting. I'm happy to do it. Thank you for being here. I'm glad I'm here. - But I'm excited to do the painting. - Yeah? From now on, let me do the painting. - All right. - Okay. I got you some French fries. - You got French fries, too? - Yes. And there might be something else in there. Really? A little treat? You got me two burgers! So, I'm trying to cancel tomorrow night with Emma and I think I can get off a bit early, so we can do whatever. Whatever you want. Tomorrow night will be Viggo's choice. All right, I'm off. Good game, David. Everything okay? Yeah. You want to play? Yeah! All right. Come on, get your stuff. Let's go. We gotta hurry. Careful, careful, careful. Do you have any sweatpants, or anything? No. You don't want to wear that stuff. It's not a nightclub, Viggo. Do you have any shorts for me? I don't think my shorts are gonna fit you. Like this. What? Up there. Dribble, dribble, dribble. Oh, my... You just gotta dribble. You gotta dribble. So, you just... You just dribble. Dribble, dribble! You gotta dribble! You gotta... Why doesn't he dribble? David, you absolutely have to be there next Saturday. Everybody's gonna be there. Actually, I have plans next Saturday with Emma. But you were the one who came up with this whole concept of brothers and sisters finding one another. Yeah, I understand, but I already have plans with Emma. Anyway, I spend a heck of a lot of time with you. You know, I also have a real family. Family. You said "real family." - No. - You... You... Just because you decided to turn the page on that period of your life doesn't mean we don't exist. We exist. We exist for real. We're also your real family. Viggo. Viggo! All I'm saying is, I hope that you're happy. I hope you realize that I had to lie to Emma to be here. That I lied to the woman carrying my child. Your "real" child. Viggo, we have talked about the incident a lot. I don't think we need to continue to dwell on our little misunderstanding. I am here. Do you see that I'm here? Do you see that I am here? - With your fake kids. - Fake? Fake? Viggo, what the hell are you talking about? I mean, if we're not real, what are we? - Nietzsche said... - Screw Nietzsch-ka! Screw Kindergarten! "Kierkegaard." I think it's this way. Screw Nietzsche! Screw Kierkegaard! And screw... The... You can't even come up with one more. That's it, you're done at two. Look, screw all of those dudes. None of those guys had 533 real kids. Did you bring me here to expose me? No. I want to keep you all to myself. I know it's coming I can feel it in my bones All right! This is information you already know Even if it's only temporarily Give the illusion tonight You belong to me Oh, the things I will believe Ignore the hundred lovers You got hidden up your sleeve The words come easily And they sound so lovely You all right? I guess it's just as easy if you lie to me - Put these next to the grill, here. - Next to the grill. Special recipe. It's a secret family recipe, but you'll like this. Wow! Do you see what happens when the tofu hits the grill? Nothing. Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds. I am alone I am in love with an idea Sophisticated neurological appeals I want to negotiate some kind of a deal I want to tear it open Show you that it's real Oh, the things I will believe Ignore the hundred lovers You got hidden up your sleeve Okay. Get in nice and tight. All right, we got one more. Get in close. - All right. - Can I get in? All right. Okay, everybody, just scooch in. Get as close as you can. Okay, on the left. Can you move in just a little? All right. Say, "Cheese." Cheese! And I'm real, real gone Got me down to the very marrow Don't you know I need your help You're a friend of mine And I'm real, real gone Hey. This is Ryan. - Hey, Ryan. - What's up, Ryan? - Hey, Ryan. - Hi. That was the best, right? I had a great time. So, uh... I guess this is it. Have a great day. Ryan? Could I just have a... Just... Thanks. 'III I just wanted to... I wanted to tell you... I'm your father. Okay. So... You'll keep seeing more of me. That was a fun weekend. Okay. You seem way too relaxed. This is a great moment for me. It's a new stage in our relationship. No. - No? - No. It's really important that you know there is no truth in anything they are going to say about me. None. You must understand, they love to humiliate me. They're monsters. Really. - They are monsters. - Okay. I want to propose a toast to Emma. Because I think it's important that you know that this... - Rite of passage. - Rite of passage. Well, it's not just about humiliating David. Although, it is one of the objectives. And if we have exposed David's past to the harsh light of day... Well, I think it's important, because you gotta know what you're getting into. And now that you know all this... I have some more pictures. Not Sniper. Sniper? It was his rock band. They wore a lot of makeup. It was the '80s. Everybody wore makeup. I didn't wear makeup in the '80s. But look, now that all this is known... I think it's also very important for you to know that the Wozniaks have had some wonderful times - and some hard times. - No. Dad? When my wife and I were newlyweds, we always dreamed of having a honeymoon in Italy. But we didn't have much money. Then we had children. We told ourselves, someday, when we're old. But time passed. You have to make the most of the present. Do you all make the most of the present? Yes. Yes, Dad. We make the most of the present. When my wife fell ill, David came over one day with plane tickets to Venice. He had seen to everything. The hotel near Doge's Palace, the gondolas. Then later, our three sons flew over and joined us. We had a big family dinner near St. Mark's Square. David paid for everything. David... He does things like that. If you are able to live with his countless faults, you will also live through some marvelous times. Let us pray. - No. - Come on. Dad, please. - Let's drink. - Yes. Your father is adorable. Yeah. I can't believe you brought your whole family to Venice. How did you pay for that? I had money. When you were 20? - Yeah. - Wow. What kind of job did you have that would pay for a trip to Venice? It was a manual-labor type job. That was an awesome meal. Almost. All right, let's bring it. Open the flood gates, here. Have fun. Okay, have a good day at school, guys. Have a good time. It's okay to like recess. How are you? Look at these angels. My man, how you feeling? Have fun, buddy. Coffee? Toast? Eggs? - No. - How was your weekend? - Relaxing. - Good. Very relaxed. Dinner with the family. And I read. Lord of the Rings. That you lie to your girlfriend, that's par for the course. Untruthfulness is the basis of a good, strong relationship. But I'm not your girlfriend, David. So, before you tell me that you spent the weekend with Frodo and Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins, why don't you go ahead and take a look at this? Well, as you can attest, the reporter won't be winning any prizes for his journalistic skills. But apparently, his story was picked up by CNN and Fox, and even the BBC. Which means, when you go to bed tonight, four or five billion people will be asking, "Who the fuck is Starbuck?" Now tell me, is this good news for us? Does this augur well for our trial? Is this the type of situation over which we can regain control? The answer is yes. Now, we go on the offensive. A countersuit. We, too, are going to sue the clinic. What for? Substantial punitive damages. It's the clinic's duty not to do anything to jeopardize your anonymity. By overusing your donations, they have given rise to a substantial, well-funded challenge to your anonymity which has now generated extensive media coverage. I mean, you should hear the stuff that people are saying about Starbuck. What are they saying about Starbuck? Terrible things. But it's good. It's fine, because our countersuit... David, your debt problems will go away. We're going after big, big money. It is all over Twitter, it is all over the net. No way is this guy coming out of the closet. No way! At work, every meeting you go into, no matter what you say, everyone will always be thinking, "Hey, it's El Masturbator." Five hundred and thirty-three kids! He's donated 693 times! Boy, this guy was making money hand over fist. I can't believe it. Anyway, listen. He went by the code name "Starbuck." "Starbuck"? I think "Chock full o'Nuts" would have been more like it. "Chock full o'Nuts" would have been better. You should read some of these tweets. The last kid was an accident. I guess he was watching a rerun of Baywatch, and it just happened. I had no idea this could actually be a job. I mean, I knew it could be a hobby. What do you think about all this "Starbuck" business? Oh, it's horrible. What's horrible? It's horrible. You don't think it's absolutely horrible? - I don't know. - What was he thinking? Well, he obviously wasn't thinking that they would use his sperm so much. And he obviously wasn't thinking that they would choose his profile so often. May I help you? Yeah, do you have a stroller for 533 children? - No. - No. No. He doesn't. Because it's not normal to have 533 children. It's not normal. Viggo, where the hell are you going? - I don't know. - It goes in the back. - In the back. - Okay. Hey, David. Your brothers are in the office. They want to see you. They wanted 100 grand! 100 grand? I mean, Pop didn't have it. So they tried to drown him! What were you thinking? Tell me, David, what were you thinking? Get the cash, David. Get the cash! Unbelievable! - Dad, listen. - Go away, David. Go away. Let's... Let's do the countersuit. Excellent. Excellent. - Come on in. - All right. BRETT'. What would happen if we no longer respected these types of agreements? Nothing less than an unlimited quantity of chaos. Custody battles. Possible intrusions upon happy families. And this, on either party's side. Mothers showing up on donors' doorsteps. And donors suddenly wanting visitation rights, wanting to partake in important decisions about religion, about schooling. None of the parties were coerced into signing this agreement. And nowhere have I seen an expiration date. What'd you guys think? Why don't I understand when you are talking? Well, you see... This is a complex situation. I would vote for the other guy. Well... No. The other guy is wrong. Grandma's right. I think you're gonna lose again. Did she say that? Okay. Well, all right. Thanks, kids. You can all go to bed. Is that going to be your argument in court? That won't work in court. You can't send the real judge to bed. Yes, I can. Daddy can send anyone to bed. And right now, you're all going to bed. Now, go. These are children who are lost. They are lost in the wilderness. And they want to know who their father is. I mean, is that too much to ask? And what would... What would happen if we no longer accepted these types of agreements? Nothing more than an unlimited quantity of chaos. Um... The mic... Oh, that's better. Is that okay? Here we are, outside of the New York courtroom... I feel like this is an easy case to win. What I'm saying is, which fundamental right should take more importance here? I've been a musician pretty much my whole life. And when I write music, I write it because... I think, when I say this, I speak for everyone. I know, how for me... I wasn't actually able to grow up with a dad. I would like to meet the guy, the man, who created me. And there's a lot of transitions in my life that I've come across. It's central to who I am. It's really all I've thought about. I just want to feel like I have a part of myself. The last ultrasound that is on Friday at 2:00, do you think that you can make it there? There is no contract, okay? They've broken the contract! They break with the contract! The man signed an anonymity agreement for 693 donations! He has a right to punitive damages, because you should hear what people are saying about him now. - You have got to be prepared! - I am prepared! Well, then why don't you do it? You're my friend, I'm sorry. - I'm just so pissed off. - Yeah. So we hope that it has been made clear that the intentional blocking of this vital information has had, and will continue to have a negative psychological impact on each and every single one of Starbuck's children. In finishing, while the donor may have bargained for confidentiality with the clinic, and the parents may have accepted that confidentiality as a condition to receiving the sperm donation... The children didn't agree to anything. Yet, they are the ones, they are the ones most directly affected. This makes no sense. Thank you. These are some great kids. Without the anonymity clause, none of them would be here. And not to have these beautiful kids, that would be a great loss. We need the anonymity clause. The court will now take the matter under advisement. How long could it take? I don't know, David. I do not know! What don't you know? I know absolutely nothing! My mother was right. I'm useless and I'm out of my league. You should have got a real lawyer, David. All rise! You may be seated. In the adjudicated action, the parties will receive a detailed document, in which you will read that Starbuck is entirely, and without reservation, entitled to remain anonymous. He will also be entitled to $200,000 in punitive damages from the Graboski-Levitt Clinic. You are adjourned. Starbuck, therefore, will be entitled to remain completely anonymous. He also will receive $200,000 in damages. Yes! Yes! Brett, what's your reaction to the verdict? Obviously, I feel great compassion for the children. But I am very, very happy- I am very proud to have vindicated my client and his rights. And I want to say thank you to my own children and to my mother. Mom, I won. I won. And I just want to say, David, we did it! No! We did it, David! - No. - Who's David? He's my lover who has always been there for me. And, David, my darling... I love you, David. I love you, David. Obviously, a very emotional trial for everyone here. Did you expect this verdict? We're disappointed. Our case was dismissed, and we've now exhausted every possible legal recourse. But we haven't lost everything. While we were told today there's no law requiring Starbuck to identify himself, there's more to this than just legal obligation. There's us, and there's him. And beyond any law, there are human beings. So, ultimately, the final decision is Starbuck's. He's under no legal obligation to identify himself. But now that he's seen all of us, he may well decide to do so. That decision is his. There has been a lot of unfavorable comments about Starbuck in all of this media coverage. We would really just like our father to know that in our eyes, he's not a criminal or a freak. To us, he's someone who gave life and happiness where it was badly needed. Congratulations, darling. I had it. I had pitched the perfect game and I had to screw the whole thing up. My mother saw the whole thing on TV. Well, she must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover. No. She said she always suspected it. She told me we make a lovely couple. And your kids? - They think it's cool. - Mmm. I'm just wondering... And really just theoretically, but... If I decided to identify myself, would I lose all the money from the countersuit? Yeah, I think you would. Emma always says that, uh... That I don't have a life. So, um, I officially set out to try and do the right thing. It's harder than I thought. Pop. Pop, I'm Starbuck. You are El Masturbator? Yeah. Now, for once in my life, I'd like to make the right decision. Once. For once in my life, I would like to be a normal person. How would a normal person handle a situation like this? A normal person would not be in this situation. Let's just say that a normal person had a slight lapse of judgment and donated sperm 693 times. What would they do? What would my brothers do? Your brothers are not mentally equipped to deal with a situation like this. When you get right down to it, you're probably one of the few people on this earth able to deal with such a situation. Why not just tell them? As you know, I have some money problems. Yeah, your debts. You know I grew up in terrible, terrible poverty. Yes, I know, Pop. I know. When I left Warsaw to go to the States, my father gave me $10. That was everything he had. I couldn't turn down his help, so I promised him I'd pay him back 1,000 times over, once I got rich. My father died when your mother and I still didn't have a cent. 'III I always wondered what was harder for him. Not being able to give his children enough, or not being with them when they hit hard times. My great good fortune in life is to see you boys every day. That, for me, is success. So, like my father, I want to help you. Here is $10. It brought me good luck. With $10, I built my empire. So, take the $10. And also take... It's your share of the meat store. It's your inheritance, in small bills, to pay off your debts. I'm scared I'll disappoint them. Why would they be disappointed? I'm a meat truck driver. I'm an incompetent meat truck driver. True, you are incompetent. It takes you four times longer to deliver meat than anyone else. But wherever you go, people love you. They're going to love you. Everyone loves you. Thanks, Pop. We'll be right with you, sir. Emma! Emma! Mr. Wozniak? You gave us a little scare, there. Yeah. Hi. Mr. Wozniak? Yeah. Your family is here to see you. Is he healthy? Yes. Does that mean he can work tomorrow? This is weird. Hey- I lied to you. I am your biological father. And you have a little brother. He was in a bit of a hurry. But... He's doing very, very, very well. Can we see him? I'll find out. Hey- He's so small. Emma. Will you marry me? Wouldn't you want to wait and see if I get my figure back? If you stay flabby, I promise I'll get flabby as well. I wonder if that's the first time the word "flabby" has been used in a marriage proposal. Emma... I'm Starbuck. Why are you always scamming? God, how could you think that a marriage proposal would excuse the fact that you're the father of 533 children? David! God! How... This is no longer your child. I want to be very clear on two points. The first point. I said I was gonna change as quickly as possible, and I am doing that. I've had a chance to do a lot of thinking. A lot! And I've come to the conclusion that it's not anyone but me who can decide if I am the father or not. Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil, and in the end, not you. In other words, nobody but the father can decide if he is the father or not. And I, David Wozniak, am the father of this child. The other reality that can't be changed is the fact that I am Starbuck. Now, this, obviously, can be somewhat frightening since it's something totally new, and no one on this planet has ever experienced it before. It's... It is like the first steps on the moon. But despite a few drawbacks, I think that we can actually take away from this a tremendous amount of joy. Not to mention, vast amounts of free babysitting. I don't know how this is gonna work out. Right now, me coming out and revealing who I am, I'm risking everything. I'm risking all for the well-being of my 533 kids. And I would think that you seeing me risk all should convince you that whatever happens, that no matter what turmoil this kid right here gets into, I will be there. Now, you asked me to have a life. Well, here it is. This is my life. It may be a bit strange. And a bit oversized. But it's my life. The second point. That was a very long first point. The first point was long. The second point... The marriage proposal was not a scam. The second point was much shorter. I need you in my life. Promise me, one day you'll take me to Venice. Okay. The world is yours Hold it close With open arms Little feet We've miles ahead Take it slow See it all Wow. Take it in I see me in you You in me I see me in you You in me I see it in your eyes I see it in your eyes Little heart Dance it out The ins and outs won't bring you down Okay. Have fun. Little dream Grow up tall With a little rain, a little sun You'll feel loved Many thanks, from your entire real family. I see it in your eyes Little hands Hold it close with open arms Little hands The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you shine on me Won't you shine on me Light of love Oh, won't you burn Won't you burn it for me Won't you burn it for me The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you let it shine Won't you let it shine The light of love Oh, the fire of love Won't you let it burn Won't you let it burn The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me The light of love Oh, the fire of love Won't you let it burn Won't you let it burn The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you shine for me Won't you shine for me The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me, no The light of love The light of love The light of love The light of love BAD HAIR Can I help? Okay. Look. When the water gets there, turn it off, okay? And with this rag you rub the edges. But please don't get your clothes wet. Damn! The kid is in my hot tub. Lady, he's just helping me. Go. Me first. Wet clothes. It's not your turn. A little rag. Second entrance... Third floor. Cigar. Dead easy, she's always waiting for her husband. No, it's her son. But I saw them kissing. A black. A black what? - A black man. - Ah. He's over there. Roller-skates. Over there. A woman who speaks to herself. Fifth rubbish chute, fourth floor. Guess: Dovecote. Above the newlyweds. - I love you. - I don't. No, it's a graffiti. Ah... Over there. Look at them. Do you think they're having more fun than us? I think so. Junior, don't mess with your hair. I'm peeing. Junior, get out now. Put it there. Come and eat. Yes. Eat. Eat. Damn, don't make me dirty. Don't cry. Come on, eat. No! Come on, my love, just a bit. No, baby! A tortilla with cheese. Why are you so slow? If you give me fries all the time, I'll be fat on the photos. Come on, Junior, eat. When will I get my photo? I have no money. I'd rather die than be raped. Then die, bitch! You won't kill me, you scum! Take this, whore! Don't get up, baby. They are shooting. Over here, miss. Minimum wages, no contract, no social package. And no coverage for accidents at work. And if I get shot? Why would you be shot? Sir, I'm here for the security guard position. We just need a cleaning lady. No, I'm a security guard with experience. We need a cleaning lady. - You already have a security guard? - No, no. - If you want, I can show documents. - No, no, thank you. The second finalist is... "Miss Yaracuy." Will your mom give you the money for the photo? No. My mom will give it today. Are you coming? Congratulations "Miss Yaracuy"! Why are we talking like that? Because Mom has a client. "Miss Tachira"! Congratulations "Miss Tachira"! ♪Todayis thefestivalofbeauty.♪ ♪Todayeverybodycan win .♪ ♪You,me ,she,♪ ♪wecanall win .♪ I forgot my shoes. Let's go back. Too late. Come on. Don't stop. Can't they take my photo? Come on, we can't stop here. But Mum is looking. You do the talking. You talk, I have no money. Here's money for the school picture. Okay. Hop on. You won't see that I have no shoes? No. It's just a passport photo. But I want a photo as in "Miss Venezuela". Full height... The school wants a passport photo, right? For a nicer photo you have to pay more. Take this crown, and I make a "Miss Venezuela" photo. Bring a nice dress, nice hairstyle. And you'll be Lieutenant-Colonel. Just like him. I want my photo as a singer with straight hair. With this background. Tell your mom, to do this hairstyle. It will be 250 bolivars. I doubt he'll come. Is that the new logo? Yes it's new. It's nice. Yes, it's pretty. - Bye. - So long. Matches? - Will your mother pay? - Yes. What happened? Go to bed. What happened? What happened? What happened? Why are you dancing? Because I want it. What? Because I feel like it. Feel like it? ♪ I like it so much, ♪ ♪ I like it. ♪ ♪ Because I like it. ♪ Dance! ♪ I like it. ♪ ♪ Why do you like it? ♪ ♪ Because I like it. ♪ ♪ Because I like it. ♪ Let me go! ♪ It turns me on! ♪ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Junior, I have to go. Perla! Marta! I can no longer look after them. - If you don't pay me... - Never mind. Junior! Never mind. Junior, hurry up! How are you, Carmen? Sit down. Come in, Junior. Come in and say hello. Oh, don't like them that small. They are no human beings. - Carmen! - Tell me! Can I leave them with you? No dear, I have a lot to do. Why? Where are you going? Ask my boss to give me back my job. You're dreaming! You won't get it back. Oh, if only my son was alive! Yes, I could work as before. At least he could help me with Junior. The baby doesn't even remember him. He doesn't even resemble him. He didn't care, nor do I. Junior, get the bleach from the bathroom. This is all that you owe me. Don't worry, I wrote it all down. I can help you with Junior. Give him to me, I'll look after him. I'll keep him myself. Carmen, I ask you to look after them for just one day. Nothing more. If I give him to you, he'll be shot in a few years. No, he's different. He doesn't want guns. He just wants to be pretty and settle in life. And you don't like it. That's not true. Then what happened at the carnival? That's what carnival is for, Carmen. Think about it, Marta. I'll give you the money, and you give me Junior. Carmen, I'll leave them. I'll come get them in the evening. Think it over, my daughter. When does school start, Junior? The 8th. And, that's soon. Yes, but I still have no photo. What photo? Me as a singer with straight hair. Sing me something. That's not the point. Important is the straight hair. Like after the blow-dry. Oh, you want me to blow-dry your hair. But first wet your hair and bring me the hairdryer. Look, he can't see you, you're too late. Can I wait? As you wish. If you want, you can move in with me, and I'll look after you. I can't, I have to take care of my mother and the baby. If we live together I'll comb your hair. Miss, I want two PMS badges please. The new one. - You need a bag? - No, no. - How much? - 60. - The feeding-bottle. - Well, go. It's time for your bottle. Do you always feed the baby? No, the neighbor. Go wet your hair, there's your mother. - Junior! - After the holidays, bring him any time. PRAYER FOR HEALING AND THANKSGIVING Near the presidential palace a group of men and women... decided to cut their hair in solidarity... with the President of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. Christ heals! Christ heals! Many people are here today, waiting their turn, to express their support. Among the planned events there will be a special service, held by representatives of different religions. Members of the military high command also attended the event. Junior, don't look at me like that. I told you I don't like it. Did Dad love you? Yes. And me? And the baby? Yes. And granny? I'll take care of you when you're old. Beautiful! They'll surely give you the job.. Where did you hear that? Where did you hear that? That girl. Right. Sit down there. Over there. Junior, are you there? Junior! What are you doing? Men do not pee sitting down. Get out. Get out, I tell you! Come out, damn you! Get out of there! Move back. Open your mouth. Good. That's it. Doctor! Mom says that I have a lump. Where? Back here. Come on, straighten your back. Look, some people have bigger bones than others. It's OK. Get dressed. Well, he's fine. He's alright, Doctor? You did a complete check-up? I told you: There's nothing. Ma'am, the consult was unnecessary. If he's fine, it's useless to bring him. Coming up is the finale of "Song and Dance". Who will win? Sit up straight. Leave me alone, I have nothing. But the performance of one of the finalists. Come here. It's Ñaca-Ñaca, by Johnny. Matches. Help yourself. Don't you have a TV at home? No. And now... our beauty pageant contestants... parade on the catwalk in gala robes. That's it, my love. Come on, come on. My baby! My love! Give me a little leg. And now the other leg. Oh, my baby! Did you get the job? Today is the day of the guards. We'll go to the party. Dress the baby, while I prepare breakfast. You fatso. Don't look at me, I've nothing to do with you. Now you're a little girl. A naughty girl! Day of the guards. WELCOME! HOLIDAY FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY So you came, huh? I could have taken you if I only knew. Thank you, boss. I'd like to talk to you. - You're one of us. - Thank you, boss. It's hard to meet at the office. And you? Where are your swimming trunks? Oh, no... Come here, come here kid. Raise your arms. That's good. Now your shoes. One leg, the other. That's it. Men swim in their underwear. Okay? I would like to know if I can work during the investigation. I know it's not standard procedure. But I'm alone without money with two children. I'm willing to do anything to get back. - The kid can swim, huh? - Yes. Marta! It will be difficult to get you back to work. But can you help me? Okay, we can try. Can I come tomorrow? Okay, tomorrow. - Cheers! - Cheers! Was it deep? Yes. I swim a bit but my friends swim better. And money for the photo? Mom gave the money and granny will straighten my hair. Don't do that. Look! Look, they're winning. Yeah, almost. - Let's go. - Why? Because there are rapists here. - How do you know? - Mom told me. You won't be raped, you're too fat. Everybody could get raped. To get raped they should like you, you have to be pretty. Then you risk nothing. The game is over. Let's go. Today is the final of "Song and Dance". There will be just one winner. Will that be Johnny? Welcome, Johnny. Are you ready? Wow Johnny, your new hairstyle is great. And here is Ñaca-Ñaca. Mom, I don't want to go with you. Mom, I don't want to go. You understand you can't stay? I can only take the baby. Come on, baby. Get up sweety. It's okay now. And if you take me to granny? You want to stay with Carmen? Yes. Junior! Wait! Sorry. Sorry. Bye. I have a surprise. A hair dryer? Get that disc. Listen to what he's singing. Come on, get up. If you want straight hair, you should learn how to sing and dance. Well, let's dance. I'm tired. Get me some water. - Did anyone come? - No, no one. - Will they come? - I don't think so. Grandma, can you straighten my hair? Even more. I can make a real singer out of you. But then you have to learn the song. No, not here. My son sits there. Over there. Do you have a fag? No. I'm in a hurry. A Frenchman said: "Yeah, yeah!" How's it going? Almost done. I can't hear you. My lemon, my lemon tree. How I adore you! A Frenchman said: "Yeah, yeah!" An Englishman said: "Oh-la-la!". Other way around. Junior, don't look at me like that. I told you I don't like it. What did granny say about my work? How long will it last? - Where are you going? - None of your business. - What's up? - Tanning for the photo. What will you wear for the photo? I already told you. My mom says you'd look good as a "Miss". Because you're skinny. I'll be a singer with straight hair. And I'll sing "My lemon, my lemon tree". Wait for me. 30 seconds! What's up? Nothing much. And if it's like at carnival? It won't, granny will help me. Rather go as a soldier. Why? Your mother will like it. I'm going to my grandmother, she'll straighten my hair. My lemon, my lemon tree. How I adore you! The Englishman said: "Yeah, yeah!" The Frenchman said: "Oh-la-la!" My lemon, my lemon tree... What are you doing? I'm not singing. What are you doing? I'm rehearsing. Why? To learn. To learn what? The song. What song? The one granny taught me for the photo. She'll also make me a suit like this and here and here. And your uniform? You lost your job, huh? My lemon, my lemon tree, I adore you! The Englishman said: "Yeah, yeah!" The Frenchman said: "Oh-la-la!" My lemon, my lemon tree, I adore you! Next. Doctor! Can I talk with you? - What do you want, senora? - I'll be quick. Okay. Come in. Do you remember my son? The small dark one? The one with a hump. I want to know if he's odd because of that. Does he misbehave? Doesn't listen? He sings. Always combing his hair. What are you worried about? I want to know if he's gay. Did he tell you? No. Maybe it's my fault... He will suffer, huh? It's my fault, I never touch him. I do hug the baby, Doctor. I touch the little one. - But Junior... - Ma'am, it's not a problem. Spend more time with your children. Should I cut his hair? But what hair? Leave them! Find him a male figure. To set him an example. So he sees that a man and woman can love each other. That's all? Grandma, shall I wet my hair? Yes, son, but first take of your shirt. You're all wet! Sit down. Let's take measures for the photo. The Englishman says: "Yeah, yeah!" A Frenchman says, "Oh-la-la!" A suit for a singer. Look how beautiful you are! So beautiful! Only thing missing is the straight hair. Once again, from the beginning. - An Englishman says... - "Oh-la-la!" - A Frenchman says... - What if mom doesn't like it? - Not too long? - No, perfect. It's a singer's suit. Come on! I want to hear you sing. Ay-yay-yay! What a sour lemon! Damn .. Ay-yay-yay! It's a dress! A suit like Henry Stephen. Have you seen him? It's a dress! I don't want a dress. I am a boy! I won't wear a dress. Naughty boy. - Don't you want to be a singer? - You stink! What are you doing here? Waiting for you. Carmen let you leave? Did you quarrel? - Crazy old woman. - Let's go. He just woke up. Wait, I'll bring him. I'm not hungry. No, thank you. I'm not hungry. No thank you, I'm not hungry.. Junior, don't stand in the doorway. Get in and close the door. No thank you, I'm not hungry.. Good. "I feel happy." - What are you doing? - I'm testing the color for the photo. Which one you like? This one. Are you sure? Mom says it makes me look like a whore. And your hair? I couldn't go to granny. Classes will start soon and you can't go without a photo. I had to go with my mother. Couldn't she go on her own? Your mother is weird. My mom is not weird. - You don't look like her. - I'm a man. Junior, shut up. Or else you should go. Important is that you let your hair grow. Let your hair grow. And then you can straighten your hair. Straightening hair isn't easy. You'll need help to moisten them. Use mayonnaise, avocado and egg. Junior! Where are you? Junior! Junior, get out of there! You know I don't want you to lock yourself up in the bathroom. What are you doing? What are you doing here? No, let me go! Do not pull! Stay here. Stay, I tell you! What garbage did you put on your head, eh? You used mayonnaise! You smeared your head with mayonnaise! I won't do it again! Listen here. Look at me! I will cut your hair. I'll cut it all. Enough already! I'm gonna cut it. I don't want it short! - I will cut you hair! - No! I'll cut your hair, I said! What did I say? Come here! Stop. Come here! Come here! Raise your head. Raise your head I said! No! Hey, buddy, they beat you up? Junior! Stay if you want. Junior! Junior! Don't put rubbish on your head. What do I do with my stupid hair? It's not stupid, my love. Just a bit there. They are just curls. - Hi. How is it going? - OK. Is the boss there? No, he's not. Why not? I called and I was told he's here. No, he's not. But he called me to show him my license. He's not here. Let's go. - Bye! - So long! - Mom, your boss was there, I saw him. - No, it wasn't him. I saw him. It was him. What did I do? Why did you touch him? I fell. Go. I'm not going. I don't want to go. Grandma does nasty things to me. She wants to dress me as a girl. She made me a dress. Why? What did you do? Nothing. Come on. Junior, wait here. Why don't you take the elevator? Why did you make a dress for my son? It's not a dress, it's a suit for a singer. Junior said you put him in a dress. So that he won't die like my son. Do you want him to become a fag? Why do you want him to live with you? You know why he always goes to the shop? Why he always needs matches? Now he wants straight hair. Then something else. Let me raise him. You can't do anything. He is who he is, you can't change him. You want him to take care of you. Yes, I do. I already told you: One for me, the other for you. And for how much? Whatever you want. Junior, stop playing with your food. Who's running the shop? Mario. Everyone knows Mario. And how is this Mario? He has narrow eyes, as if he's lying all the time. You don't have to pay attention to boys' eyes. Don't go to this shop no more! Hey, where's our girl? Why aren't you playing? Do you think my mom will pay you? What? You took her hair conditioner? - Look what she did. - Did what? Damn Junior! There's oil to remove all of this. Now sit quietly, I have a client. I'm not hungry. I feel like my body is losing weight. I drink a lot of water... and I feel fine. I love my body. I follow a diet with pleasure. What did you do? The doll's hairstyle is even worse than me. You ruined it! My mom now has a job. She'll buy you a new doll. You ruined it! Look, look! - Stand up straight. - I look like an old man. - Can I take off it? - No. This morning a group of people held a procession, to ask Jose Gregorio Hernandez for the healing of our president. He did many miracles and we believe that he'll be able to help the president. Open the door. For you and your sister. I have a brother. Even better. A certain man sacrificed his mother, to cure the President of his disease. He confessed to the crime and was handed over to the authorities. He did kind of a ritual sacrifice... in exchange for the healing of the President of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. The 40-year-old man killed his mother and then cut off her hands and arms. I'll serve your supper. Give it to me Junior. Pedro Alvarez admitted to the crime, which he called a sacrifice for the president's healing. According to Alvarez, a divine voice told him to kill. God spoke to him for the first time and he felt that he had to obey his divine will... Done... Junior, switch it off. Bon appetit! Thank you. How's school? We have holidays. Oh, yeah... - But tomorrow I'll be photographed for... - Enough! Listen. If you're going play with your food, you can go to bed. You're always like that with them? Yes. I have to set an example, so they'll learn something. Don't close the door. Give me a cigarette. Well, what now? Come to the office in the morning. But, Marta... If you screw up again, I'll fire you. You have to control yourself. What about an advance? Come, fatso. I won't carry you. I want fried bananas. Do you hear? I need to eat. Didn't you hear me? Mom, are you asleep? Mom, are you okay? Are you all right? I won't get off the chair. Look, my photo will be like this. Look at me. I'll go like this. I'll get the photo and pay later. I'm not coming off my chair. Look at me. In this house everyone's looking. The baby, me, you should look as well. Those bananas are for my photo. Look at my straight hair. Look, look! Look! Take it off. The photo is for you. Take it off now! Junior, hurry up! Today I can pay you. Okay, same as before. Here's an advance. Junior's classes begin soon. Ah Junior, a new shirt! What are you looking at? Enter. - Thank you, Perla. - Okay. What happened to your hair? - I combed it. - And the money? I don't have it. And your suit? - I didn't like it. - I'll ask if you can pay later. - Good afternoon. - Hello. Do you have clippers? Ask over there. Hello! Do you have clippers? - One? - How much? One hundred. What a hairstyle! - They're laughing at us. - At you. No, at you. Barbie! Don't pay attention. Cinderella, where are your seven dwarfs? Rag doll! Shoot both? No. His mom will pay later. No, girl, here we pay right away. Get on. Ready? - Hello! - How are you? - Okay, all right. - Look! Here are the reports. - Thank you. - So long! See you tomorrow! There's always someone here. Shall we go? Sit down. Fried bananas! Finish eating and get dressed. What's that bag? You'll go to your grandmother. No Mom, I don't want to go there. Yes, you'll go. I promise I won't sing anymore. Give. Give it to me. Can I stay if I cut my hair? And if they grow back? No. I don't love you. Me neither. ♪ Glory to the brave people Who shook off the yoke ♪ ♪ Respecting the law Virtue and honor ♪ ♪ Down with the chains Down with the chains ♪ ♪ The Lord yelled The Lord yelled ♪ ♪ And the poor man in his hovel For Freedom implored ♪ ♪ Upon this holy name Trembled in great dread ♪ ♪ The vile selfishness That had once prevailed. ♪ Subtitles by Subransu DEDICATED TO ANTONIO Deal. Former prosecutor Carbonell will be buried tomorrow. In the central cemeteries in 14 hours. She was one of the most promising employees of the prosecution. And he was brutally murdered 48 hours after his release. From the women's prison in Santiago. Murderers and their motives are unknown, But many people suggest The aim was to silence the prosecutor, Which by the end of his sentence maintain the thesis I am the victim of a conspiracy that aims to cover up mistakes. Responsible for the failure of the share in the Atacama - Polemical operation Which unleashed multiple murders in the port of Valparaiso. And which revealed the existence of a corruption network. The highest echelons of power. Ongoing investigation. Reveals the connections between the government, the police. And the two most powerful cartel in Chile - Aguilera and feragut who started a bloody war Which ended with the arrest. Three key figures of the clan feragut. And left dozens killed Including Kika feragut, the leader of the cartel. Disappearance of Chilean narkokralitsa not yet clarified But probably it comes to clearing accounts Commissioned by Cacho Aguilera, patriarch of the clan Aguilera After the murder of his son Ivan, Whose decapitated body was found in farelyones. Growing conflict between the two families. He took the victims across the country. And has sound today. It believes that the hymen carbonate. Is the most recent victim of this dirty war, But certainly not the last. Let Mr. President. - Yes. These photos are from the airport. This is feragut clan. It is surprising to see Freddie feragut. He should be dead. Off. - For them nothing is impossible. I can not believe that they were at the airport But you have not understood. Freddie feragut a ghost. Chile's most dangerous criminal. Is nearby. Excuse me. She knew. He knew he would kill her. Feragut wine. Not good, but good catches. How relatives abandoned? Not many. My brother and my mother. Then came Freddie feragut you fail life. No. I screwed himself. Number 5, stepped forward. Return. Number four, step forward. Return. Number three, step forward. Return. Number two, step forward. Return. No one stepped forward. Woman second number was in the bar with the journalist. Miss Irma Salamanca According to security cameras murder was committed. A woman who does not appear anywhere. You are the only direct witness. And you say that nothing you have not seen. A few hours later. Bernardo Santa Cruz falls on your car. Cameras recorded the hotel you And a minute later the same woman phantom down the stairs. You 've seen nothing, right? Yes it is. Jimena Carbonell know how long? Can you light a cigarette? - of course. Jimena Carbonell know how long? 2012 or 2011 And Mr. Alvaro parages? Can you cried Irma? - This is my name. Irma, the former inspector parages alive. I do not know how, but why, But I think between him and the woman there phantom connection. Can I go? No what to accuse me. Yes, but we will keep in touch. Sergio inspector mardone. - good day. Lead the investigation and wants to review the records. Thanks. June 10, 2012, around 11 pm. Address - Augustinas 1235, the municipality of Santiago. It can see recording. Back door easily opened. I cut his head. - Do not be a slob. They have always been drug traffickers. We have always been traders. They were always vulgar, and we - poor. Different. - as long as nonsense. I was there and I saw what you did with that bastard mom. I want that bastard to see me before he died. I would like to know that we were we. Well. Nails. Sand. Gunpowder. Sulfuric acid. I told you not to call me on this phone. Yes, after 20 minutes. Bye. This is too. Confused yourself. Accommodate you? Very wrong, feragut. We had not realized that. The deal was 2. 5 million. $s for you. And complete immunity to me. President 's palace. Because financing his campaign. You give money, ducky. President won because of their qualities. Money does not interest me. You offer me protection. And will fulfill his promise. The proposal would apply if they believe people dead. After what happened in the Atacama can not do anything. Himself put the rope on the neck. - I miss you. Your mistake was that raised such a fuss, took the son. Would not you do the same for your child? Now we are not discussing me. I want to leave Santiago with children and their goods. I want government protection. And immunity. Can not. - I do not talk like that. You need me, Freddie. You need me more than I need you. So clever. She goes to sell us police it? You're the only one who could do it. You are my son, but trying to bite my hand. I'm not your son. Only the father knows where you got shot his child. Rest. Tomorrow we will celebrate. I have no more strength! Go to hell! What do you miss? - Nothing! What do you need? - Nothing! Enter now Vicente. It has two inlet. Inside I do not know how. Everything you have? - Yes! Hello. What's happening? Get out. On the ground! Insert pig in the refrigerator. On the ground! Get down! Prone! Do not look at me! Do not look at me! Why do you wait so long? - do not irritate me! Do not look at me! Henry sent! Go. It will take a position. Get out! Fast! I'm sorry, but I disagree. Backfire. We must show that guarantee security in the country. Criminals will no longer do what they want. We repeated a hundred times. Now we have a chance to confirm it. For this purpose should control information. If you want to divert attention Change their appearance and get a new boyfriend. Will fulfill your demands. But do not give information about ongoing investigations. This is unacceptable. The decision was taken. I do not like the tone of which I speak. Good day. Today is historic. Today frustrate traffic not just a dope. And heroin. For the government it is. Great victory in the battle against drug trafficking. We promised. Back to the security of Chilean families Because we believe in the right to peaceful life. We can proudly say That identified the man Behind the production and distribution of this drug. It comes to citizen Freddy feragut. Police found That is faked his death before 3 years We can firmly say That his arrest was imminent. I am listening to you. - It is the owners. They were two or four people had entered from all sides. They wanted revenge. Izparzhiha Aguilera. They blew it. Now the question is who is next. The problem is that not only have the money, now not afraid. And that I do not like. You still think this is safe? Rest assured, I have here with trusted people. I think it would be wise to talk privately with the offender. You alone? - Yes. I gave your confidential information from the police investigation, And we talk about private conversations. Enter the hour, Madam speaker. Freddie finance feragut you escape from prison? Freddie finance many more operations than you think. Years she worked for him. Does not he know he's alive? I realized only when I call out to his son from prison. They boarded the helicopter and abandoned me. They flew and I laughed in the face. Me down, alive flay them. But now I'm here! Chained to the bed. And wait before you come to my belly. Because it will make. Freddy has not learned to forgive. And you know how to forgive you? - Maca. I'll tell you something. Do you think that by working with this fatty and this weenie, Someday bet Freddy? You never catch him. Worse, you're right. - You know what you need? To tell you what you need? You know what you need? I have it! Come here. Very cool. I will izpapkam. Now it's my turn, it bastard. Since. Where is Mom? - did not come. And Rodolfo? - Is ill. I think that the sea will want to negotiate. And I agree. Hello? - Hello, dear? Where are you? Rodolfo came there to pick you up? No, came the other driver. How so? - I do not know, came the other driver. Let me talk to him. I warned you, but you do not understand a word of. Now everything is balanced. Give me the money. I'll kill you. Is everything alright? They have kidnapped my son. He's talking? With his son. He could tell you where it is, though? Though! He tells you where it is? Romero, we have a problem. All patrol gray car spotted leaving school. Alleged kidnapper abducted child. Not requested ransom, we do not know what it is willing to do. We are talking about the son of Mrs. Minute. Be careful. Bend down! Accepted. Attention. Prosecution. Put your belt. Not shoot the car. Repeat. Do not shoot. Bend down! Why there was no security? When raymundito take, there is always security. Those are the rules, though. - Please? You have security. - what you mean? I would go to take raymundito. One bodyguard had to go to school. When you take it. If it takes the driver alone. Magali, open, please. Have kidnapped my son, I speak to you for the record. Many senseless. - I know, though. Good day. Thanks. Can I? Good afternoon, Madam speaker. Laura. Who's there? Raimundo? Do you mad at? Raimundo is our future, Passport, which will leave the country. It is not polite to greet his nephew so Laura. This because his mother is it? Take him for a walk. Play with chickens. Then took him to the place where Henry is sleeping. Are you feeling? Raymundito I called on the phone and picked up a stranger. Immediately called the police. Man wants you money? Scares you? No. When you talked to the kidnappers, how come you do not say anything? Just they kidnapped my son, Mr. Commissioner. Can you understand what this means to me? Can I? - What? Give me your phone. Thanks. Tapping this phone. If the kidnappers call, I want to hear every word. Sometimes the case is decided by the smallest details. Can you search your home? - of course. Act. I want to check the child's computer, social networking, mail. Few people want to - how do you know my name? I knew your father. I do not believe you. He loves father. It was very important for me. Even we had floor plans. So if you love him, why kidnap me? Ask tough questions. For adult life is very complicated. For me is complex. Dad 's dead, and now I can not even see my mom. You must do as you say. Do you understand? Not doing shit. If your mother loves you, he will pay ransom. Will you go and forget about us. Clear? Hello? Boss? Yes. We identified the driver. Rodolfo Ahumada. Circumcised me door. Well. Freddie cleared their accounts Sea. You forward Freddy feragut. Done with you. They will kill you. Give me a little more morphine, and you will not be mad. Just a little, you know how. You sell it. How to give you more morphine? I can not. If you give more morphine, there will be a cemetery. Do not worry, here you temporarily. I will take you to a safe place. What worked before? It was cleaning toilets? Or turning the sergeant whistles? You might agree with someone outside. But make no mistake. No one will escape. What can I do for you is to keep your life. But you must help us. Let's go. I'm the good guy with whom you spoke. Sure your mom is hammering a cop on the corner, Which promised her that her child would become a policeman. Currently it is difficult to realize the fact Which plunged into grief all who know you. It is difficult to accept the idea that you're gone, It's not up to us. Slut! I asked God for forgiveness. Previously thought that an error occurred. Go away, hide. - I do not want. I'll call you. Bye! Dr. Mauricio Lopez, looking you in the Gynaecology Department. Is everything alright? - Nothing is said. It is since we took him. Kathy Bobeva translation. Episode is treated in the Valley media studio. A few months ago I discovered I had a twin sister. And then she asked me to take her place, keep the secret, find our real mother and try to stay alive. Put yourself in my shoes. How long could you keep up the lying game? Theresa is missing. Give me one night... tonight. You are my brother! And you lied right to my face. Everything okay? Dan threw him out. You're always welcome to stay on the couch. Ah! I just want to know where I stand. You're going to a hotel with Alec? That's none of your business. What makes you think that's what I want? I kissed you. One-half for you, the other half I'm saving for Emma. What does she have over you? Let's just say I have Rebecca's trust. So, yesterday, I saw Rebecca in her bedroom locking this box in a cabinet. You would do anything to protect me, wouldn't you? Anything. Theresa! Dan, you know you can't go there. Get away from me! Get the hell away from me! Hey, hey, come on, man! Hey, we can take your car. You can take your car and meet 'em there. I just need to see... I just need to be with her. There's nothing else you can do. Like hell there isn't. Look at you people. With all your secrets, your lies. Someone here did this. I'm gonna find out who it is. And when I do, I swear to God! Hey, man, you're blowing it. We're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right, but we're gonna do it by the book. Hey, let's just go. You have my word. Let's just go. - Emma... - I have to. Emma, come on. Emma... I'm so sorry. I feel... that this is awful. Yeah, it is. Yeah, and look, the fundraiser's this weekend, but something's come up. I don't know how appropriate it would be for me... No, don't cancel. Just find another keynote speaker. Listen, I got to jump. Take it easy, big guy. If it's any consolation, I know just how you feel. You really know how I feel, Alec? Because I just said good-bye to the only woman I'll ever love. And, well, look at that. I can't even feel this. Listen, Dan, if you need... if you need some time... No, no. I don't... I don't need time. I need the truth. And I need the facts. The fact is is Rebecca's the killer. See, that's a theory. What I don't know is what you told Theresa. I'm betting whatever it was, is what got her killed. Listen... Whoa! Hey, hey. You're gonna tell me right now what happened to her, or I swear to God I will kill you right here in this hallway. I know, I know, I know you're upset. It's okay. Okay, all right, there is something we've been keeping from you. Ethan... myself... Theresa, and the twins. What are you talking about, twins? There's another Sutton, and her name's Emma. See ya, Thayer. Sutton. Well, this changes everything. Back in my room, before the sirens, I asked you for the truth. I... I don't even remember. Yeah, you do. You were avoiding it then, and you're avoiding it now. You cannot get Ethan out of your head. I felt it since we slept together. Right away, you started to pull back. And now, tonight, at the pool, it's all about Ethan again. Yeah, just, I'm really confused. I have... it's just thoughts. I just have all this stuff in my head, and I haven't worked it out yet. I don't believe you. I think you already have. Thayer, that's not fair. No, no, not fair is you keeping this from me. Being with me, getting what I thought was closer, when all you've been doing is thinking about him! I told you, I haven't worked it out yet. Well, you need to, Emma. It's a clear-cut choice. It's him or it's me. When you figure it out, let me know. I'm sorry. Didn't tell you about Ted. And I know every second I didn't say anything could've made a difference. I kept it from you a whole night. A lot longer than that, little brother. A lot longer than that. I'd say you been lying to me since the two of them have, what? Switched places. That's right. I know all about 'em. Twins. Who told you? Who cares who told me? ! The point is you should have said something the second that you knew about it! You're my brother. - I'm, I'm sorry. - What? ! I don't know what else to say! I'm sorry! Let me tell you something. You got to make a choice. You either choose family... or you choose those twins. Because you've had it both ways... for far too long. Hey. I wasn't sure where you'd end up tonight. How's Dan? Did you see him? Yeah. He's bad. I just came by to pick up my stuff. Look, Thayer said some stuff about how I'm not being honest with him, or with you or myself. He gave me an ultimatum. Stop right there. But no, I'm... I'm choosing you, Ethan. I... it's always been you. Emma, it's too late. What do you mean, it's too late? I've been lying to my brother for months. I kept the secret, and now his fiancée is dead. That's got nothing to do with Thayer. It's because of my feelings for you. That's not true. Ethan, you can't do this. Do what? Be honest? Emma, I fell in love with you, and both our lives went to hell. Not because of us... Yes, it was because of us. We played along with the lie. We became the lie. I, I don't know what you're saying. I think you do. I think you knew this day was coming. Please don't say it. Okay. I won't. So, when do you stop: when the balls run our or when you're not angry anymore? I'm just think that talking... the gentle flapping of lips... might be a little less taxing. Hey! Sorry. Okay, I sense this is about Thayer. Or Ethan? Both. It's about how I'm not being fair to them or anyone. And Theresa, what happened. And... about how when this all comes out, and I'm pretty sure it will really soon, I'm gonna lose everything. When you say "everything"... I mean everything. Especially Kristin. I mean, of all the lies that I have told, the worst have been to her, and she's so innocent in all of this. It's gonna hit her the hardest, Laurel. Our mom is strong and smart. Yeah, and she's been lied to by everyone, including her daughters. A strong, smart woman would walk away from that. What? I was trying to think of something funny and witty to say, but I can't think of anything. Yeah, 'cause you know it's possible. I'm gonna go take a shower. Don't worry. I'll get the balls. All one million of them. Hey. I didn't think you were coming back here. Sleep seems to be a complete waste of time, and I guess I just figure that you would be off with, uh, some twin or another. I am done with all of that. I'm choosing family. Okay. Then I need to know everything about Rebecca Sewell Rybak and who's been working with her. You know that she's the mother of the twins? And you know how Sutton and Rebecca connected. Yes, and they've been working together in secret, the whole Ted connection. I've got all that. Jordan was apparently doing stuff for her, but it was in the past. He's definitely on our side now. All right. It doesn't matter how suspicious Rebecca looks. If we don't have any proof, she will walk. - Yeah? - This just came in. Preliminary autopsy report. "The cause of death: blunt-force trauma injuries, injury to the head area. Probable weapon used: rusted metal object, fragments of green paint detected. No water found in the lungs. Time of death approximately 48 to 72 hours ago." "Limestone"? Limestone? Underneath her nails and remnants on her clothing. Let's go. I started all this. If would have just told you I found Emma - from the beginning... - Or if I would've told Kristin you were mine when I brought you home. Look, honey, you can try and rewrite history all you want. - It doesn't change anything. - But if Rebecca is involved... I don't care if Rebecca did or didn't do it. I'll let Dan and the police figure that out, honey. I have got to tell Kristin. I can still save this family. But she'll find out that I've been working with Rebecca all this time. And what about Emma? Everyone who's on to this has accepted Emma, and they see her as you, and... I know. She's the more improved version. I get that a lot. Please, just... look at it from Mom's point of view. How many more lies can she take? If we dump this on her right now, it will blow up in our faces. And then if that happens, she may never forgive us and then we're all rejected. We can't take that chance. We just need more time, Dad, for me and for Emma. Promise me, Dad. Please. Hello, Emma. I'm really not going to have this conversation. Okay, then I'll talk and you listen. I know you know the truth and that I've been working with Sutton. And I think you know my motive also: to reunite our family, Ted and Sutton... and you. I told you. I don't care. But you need to know how much I love you, how I've always loved you. And I never, never wanted you separated from Sutton. I wanted you together in-in a nice home with a nice family, and if I had known that Alec was gonna split you up, I would've stopped it. You have to believe me. You know what? I want to believe you. So much. But you came to town, and you destroyed a family. - You did nothing but tear us apart. - I didn't handle it right. Yeah, you sure as hell didn't. Emma? You know what, no. I have to ask you something, and I've been wanting to ask it ever since I found out you were my mother. Okay. Did you even look at us before you let Alec take us away? Yes, I did. And I held you, one in each arm. You looked up at me, both of you, with your big, beautiful eyes and... you were so quiet and so full of love. And then I kissed you, each of you, and, um... And you gave us away. Yeah. I gave you away. Emma, I wasn't capable enough to care for you. Oh, but you care now? I have cared for you every single day since I gave you up. This has been a terrible struggle for me. A struggle? Yes. You want to know a struggle, Mom? Try foster care. Try six different homes, a dozen schools. You know, I didn't even know what a hug felt like until I got here. I'm so sorry. - No. - Baby, I'm so sorry! I am, too. So, we're 3.1 miles from the cemetery. Uh... tire tracks, footprints all around, obviously. Heel prints, high heel prints over here, over here. There's evidence that, uh, Theresa's hands were... were bound. Struck from behind? Potential murder weapons everywhere. Whatever it was, she most likely took it with her. She? I got it from here, Danny. Nice work. - Are you okay, man? - No. No. She died... she died right here. She died right here. Can't take it. I didn't know if I should have hugged her or slapped her. You didn't believe her, did you? I don't know. Emma, are you insane? You cannot go soft like this. She's our mother. I... I want to believe that at some point, she loved us. Well, of course she did. I've felt the same things you're feeling, and that's when I fell under her spell, and now it's happening to you. Just, it's hard. Believe me, I know. I mean, to think that our mother is a killer... We just need to both be strong right now. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! [ chuckles ] But thank you. So, you're a... friend of the family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part of the family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die... A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and... we're learning to live again. All three of us. [ chuckles ] Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? [ laughter ] Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Morty, a moment of your time? [ gurgling ] He's in bad shape, Morty. Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? I-I-I'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where... where do I find Dr. Bloom? In Reuben. Reuben, Minne... Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Morty. Look, I-I-I [belches] I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc... [ screams ] [ grunts ] Hey, Dad, where's Morty? He's busy. [ screaming ] - [ panting ] - Morty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Morty. Welcome... [ gasps ] to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom... an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch... [burps] cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Morty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got... I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Morty. I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Morty. Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arriving at... [ bell dings ] liver. Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mind the gap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The liver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Morty. Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. [ roars ] [ screams ] Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Morty. The only monster here is alco ...[belches] ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. [ grunts ] Who are you? ! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My... my... my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough. Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. [ gasps ] And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. [ gasps ] Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? [ creature roars ] Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! [ all scream ] Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. [ laughter ] [ laughing ] Oh, Jacob. [ laughs ] l-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh... are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it [laughs nervously] sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. [ chuckles ] I watch them... Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. [ smooches ] Oh. Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. [ chuckles ] Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! [ roars ] Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! If we got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. [ laughs nervously ] Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. [ blob squeals ] [ gasps ] It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of these bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Morty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! [ bacteria snarl ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! [ grunting ] Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis... coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done? ! [ coughs ] ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! [ coughs ] Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. [ gasps ] You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... [ coughs ] Alexand... [ screams ] [ coughs ] [ all grunt ] Rick... R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then... [ flatline ] Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Morty. You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, if the situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates of the Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of [belches] pirates running around a [belches] pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Morty. I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out of there, but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? [ chuckles ] Kidding. I-I'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Morty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, ET cetera. Hey, just so you know, l-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because he just said I was 12. Oh. Good for you. RICK: Oof. Ugh. Morty. Strike one. [ groans ] [ festive music plays ] ♪ It's a road of wonder ♪ ♪ A trail of food ♪ ♪ It's a pathway to break up the bad and good ♪ ♪ It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest ♪ ♪ It's a small, small intestine ♪ Lt goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! [ creature roars ] Shh! I hear something. [ roars ] Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. [ roars ] Wait, I was wrong. I was thinking of a T. Rex. [ all scream ] Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad? ! Everybody, in here! [ roars ] Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? [ groans ] Huh. [ giggles ] ♪ Drummer drum drum drum drum drum ♪ ♪ Drum drum drum drum drum drum ♪ ♪ Christmas drums ♪ Oh, sing it, Summer. ♪ Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y ♪ Oh, I love to hear you sing. [ laughs ] [ scatting ] Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. [ grunts ] Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell? ! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel? ! How you feel? ! Why is everything always happening to you? ! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I? ! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. [ rumbling ] What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. [ bacterium squeals ] Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? [ gasps ] Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder... Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers... Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother... [ screams ] [ grunts ] Come on! [ groans ] [ laughs ] [ bacterium squeals ] Aah! [ grunts ] Get off! [ screams ] [ rumbling ] You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! [ all panting ] My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can... No! [ sobs ] Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother... took me fishing once ...in the bushes... [ whimpers ] [ voice breaking ] I can't... I can't... [ sobs ] He made me feel like a girl! I... he made me a girl! [ sobs ] He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her... brand-new. Come here, right now. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. [ both moaning ] Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. [ both moaning ] No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. [ whirring ] You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Morty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm... I'm trying to concentrate. Uh... Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got [belches] much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I ever judged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Morty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Morty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. [ rumbling ] [ grunts ] We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Morty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well... I can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. [ groans ] There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. - Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're... you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. [ bacteria screeching ] What the hell is that? E. Coli outbreak. Hurry! [ screams ] [ grunts ] Wait, there isan autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're... they're chewing through the doors! [ screams ] We're in the areola, Rick... almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Morty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill... giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you know what they say about that. Well, if the old adage is true, one can only wonder what's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha? [ screams ] [ bacteria screeching ] Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah! [ screams ] [ gasps ] The nipple hole. It's beautiful. [ roars ] Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! [ grunts ] Um... wait... Did we have some sort of relationship with him? I think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys. Oh. Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... [ gasps ] It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded. Blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country. Everything should be fine. [ all sigh ] Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius... the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. I-I-I-I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one of the most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick? ! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. [belches] you dodged a bullet, Morty... trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. [ gadgets beeping ] Oh, unbelievable. We got... we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are... are... are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this? ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. [on phone] Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates of the Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally... we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new... Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show! âTMa last king Christmas âTMa âTMa last arrived âTMa âTMa on the Christmas âTMa âTMa Christmas âTMa Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? - Mm, good one. - Hey, man! You "hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-God or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. - Hey, hey! - Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? No! You must be Jerry. ... Jerry:♪ LASTKINGCHRISTMAS LAST ARRIVED ♪ ♪ ON THE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ♪ [ SNIFFS ] MMM. JERRY, YOU ARE REALLY GIVING IT TO THIS HAM. [ DEVICES BEEPING ] UM, MERRY CHRISTMAS. HELLO? MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS. CAN WE STOW THE GADGETS AND LOOK ALIVE? Beth: ALIVE? FOR YOURPARENTS? Jerry: MM,GOODONE . Beth: HEY,MAN! Jerry: YOU"HEY,MAN!" THIS HOLIDAY IS ABOUT HUMANITY. Morty: YOUKNOW,ITHOUGHTIT WAS ABOUT BEING BORN HALF-GOD OR SOMETHING. Jerry: WHATEVER. ALL ELECTRONIC ITEMS ARE GOING IN THE STOCKING NOW. Morty:[ GROANS] Summer: DAD,I'MNOT GIVING YOU MY PHONE. Jerry: PUTIT IN THE STOCKING, SUMMER, OR I'M JOINING FACEBOOK. Summer:[ GASPS] [ DOOR OPENS ] Rick: A-HO,HO ,HO , EVERYBODY. Jerry: MORELIKE"WHOA,WHOA , WHOA." WHAT IS THIS? MY PARENTS ARE COMING! Rick: CALMDOWN,JERRY. THIS IS REUBEN, AN OLD FRIEND. PEARLHARBOR. Rick: I CHECKIN ON HIMONCE A YEAR AND GIVE HIM A LITTLE [BURPS] MEDICAL [BURPS] EVALUATION. Beth: AWW! DAD, THAT IS SO SWEET! Jerry: YEAH,IT IS . I DON'T GET IT. KOREA. Rick: DON'TWORRYABOUTYOUR [BURPS] C-CHRISTMAS, JERRY. [BURPS] I'LL BE WITH REUBEN IN MY WORKSHOP WHILE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING ANOTHER DAY IN PHIL COLLINS' PROVERBIAL PARADISE. Jerry: HUH. YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY. [ DOORBELL RINGS ] OKAY, THERE'S MY PARENTS. NOW, REMEMBER NO TV, NO PHONES, NO LAPTOPS. WE ARE CONNECTING THIS CHRISTMAS, LIKE OLD-SCHOOL JEWS ON A SATURDAY. HEY, HEY! MERRYCHRISTMAS,SON. Jerry: UH,HI . CAN I HELP YOU? JERRY,THISIS JACOB. DIDN'T YOU GET OUR TEXT MESSAGE? Together: NO! YOUMUSTBE JERRY. THAT'S A FINE-LOOKING APRON. WILLIAMS-SONOMA? Jerry: I WISH! [CHUCKLES] BUT THANK YOU. SO, YOU'RE A... FRIEND OF THE FAMILY? UH,THEWAYWESEEIT,HE 'SA PART OF THE FAMILY. Jerry: WOW. AFTERYOURFATHER'SBRUSH WITH CANCER AND LOSING YOUR UNCLE, WE LOOKED AT LIFE AND WONDERED, HOW HAVE WE SPENT IT, AND HOW DO WE SPEND THE REST OF IT? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BE WHEN WE DIE A LIST OF FEARS AND QUESTIONS OR A COLLECTION OF REAL EXPERIENCES? Beth: HOLYCRAP. JOYCE, THAT'S AMAZING. THENJACOBCAMEINTOOUR LIVES, AND... WE'RE LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN. ALLTHREEOF US . [CHUCKLES] Jerry: COOL. EGGNOG? NOWWEARETALKING! THIS MAN'S GOT THE APRON AND THE EGGNOG, HUH? [ LAUGHTER ] Rick: HI,JOYCE. LEONARD. HELLO, THERE. MERRYCHRISTMAS,MAN. Rick: MORTY,AMOMENTOFYOUR TIME? [GURGLING] Rick: HE'SIN BADSHAPE, MORTY. Morty: AW,GEEZ,RICK. WHAT'D YOU DO? Rick: GEE,THANKS,MORTY. W-W-WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU THINK I AM? I-I-I'M SITTING HERE TRYING TO SAVE THE GUY'S LIFE. I NEED YOUR HELP. I WANT YOU TO FIND DR. XENON BLOOM. HE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Morty: UH,W-W-W-WHERE WHERE DO I FIND DR. BLOOM? Rick: INREUBEN. Morty: REUBEN,MINNE MINNESOTA? Rick: REUBENON THETABLE, MORTY. LOOK, I-I-I [BELCHES] I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR LITTLE WALNUT AROUND EVERYTHING. JUST HOLD YOUR BREATH UNTIL THE PROCESS IS OVER OR YOUR LUNGS WILL COLLAPSE. Morty: WHATPROC [ SCREAMS ] Rick:[ GRUNTS] Beth: HEY,DAD,WHERE'S MORTY? Rick: HE'SBUSY. Morty:[ SCREAMING] [ PANTING ] Rick: MORTY,CANYOU HEARME? HEAD NORTH. Morty: RICK,WHEREAMI ? Rick: DEPENDINGON MY AIM, YOU SHOULD BE JUST SOUTH OF THE ENTRANCE. Morty: ENTRANCETO WHAT? Rick: WELCOME,MORTY. WELCOME... Morty:[ GASPS] Rick:... TOANATOMYPARK! IT'S A LITTLE BUSINESS VENTURE I'VE BEEN COOKING UP ON THE SIDE WITH DR. BLOOM AN AMUSEMENT PARK INSIDE A HUMAN BODY. SCIENCE ISN'T CH [BURPS] CHEAP, MORTY. THIS SHOULD REALLY HELP PUT A DENT IN THE OVERHEAD. Morty: OH,MY GOD! THIS IS INSANE! SPLEEN MOUNTAIN? BLADDER FALLS? PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS? Rick: YOUGOTAPROBLEMWITH THAT LAST ONE, MORTY? Morty: HUH? NO ,NO . I'M JUST READING'EM OUT LOUD IN THE ORDER THAT I'M SEEING'EM. Rick: OKAY. ALLRIGHT. IF I SOUNDED A LITTLE DEFENSIVE, IT'S BECAUSE PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS WAS MY BABY. YOU KNOW, I GOT I GOT A LOT OF PUSHBACK WHEN I PITCHED IT, MORTY. I GUESS I'M STILL A LITTLE DEFENSIVE. LET'S JUST FIND DR. BLOOM, ALL RIGHT? I-I'M PICKING UP A DISTRESS SIGNAL IN THE LIVER, MORTY. PROCEED TO THE LIVER. ARRIVINGAT... [ BELL DINGS ] ... LIVER. Morty: OW! MINDTHEGAP. Morty: IT'SREALLYSCARYIN HERE, RICK. Rick: THELIVER'SUNDER MAINTENANCE. REUBEN'S SEEN SOME ROUGH YEARS, MORTY. DON'T JUDGE. YOU DON'T AGREE TO HAVE A THEME PARK BUILT INSIDE YOU IF YOUR LIFE'S GOING GREAT. [ROARS] Morty:[ SCREAMS] RICK! IT'S A MONSTER! Rick: NO,NO ,NO . MORTY. THE ONLY MONSTER HERE IS ALCO...[BELCHES]... HOLISM. THAT IS AN ANIMATRONIC WEREWOLF. [GRUNTS] WHO ARE YOU? ! ANSWER ME! WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? Morty: MYMY MY GRANDPA RICK SENT ME! PONCHO! THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH. MORTY, THAT'S PONCHO. THIS IS ROGER AND ANNIE. Morty:[ GASPS] ANDI AMDR.XENONBLOOM. Morty:[ GASPS] Rick: HEY,BLOOM,IT'SRICK . WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? IDON'TKNOWWHY ,BUT THE ENTIRE SECURITY SYSTEM HAS SHUT DOWN, AND I'M AFRAID... THE EXHIBITS ARE UNLOCKED. Morty: EXHIBITS? ANATOMYPARK'SGREATEST ATTRACTION, YOUNG MAN, ISN'T THE MUSIC OR THE FOOD OR THE... PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS. Rick: WATCHIT . ITIS,FIRSTAND FOREMOST,A LIVING MUSEUM OF HUMANITY'S MOST NOBLE AND FEROCIOUS DISEASES. Morty: DISEASES? [ CREATURE ROARS ] HEY,DOC. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU. YOUR LIVING MUSEUM IS OFFICIALLY A WILD SAFARI! HEPATITISA ! RUN! [ ALL SCREAM ] OH,THEFOODGOESINYOUR MOUTH, GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ] [Laughing]OH, JACOB. Jerry:[ LAUGHS] I-I'M SORRY, JACOB. I-I GUESS I'M STILL CONFUSED ABOUT THE PRECISE NATURE AND ORIGIN OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS. ARE YOU, LIKE, UH ARE YOU, LIKE, THEIR CARETAKER? IS THAT WHAT IT IS? WECANGO INTODETAILLATER, SON. NOW,WAIT. TH-THERE'S NO POINT TO SECRECY. LET'S ALL LIVE AND DIE HONESTLY. YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SHARED 40 YEARS OF EACH OTHER, MIND, BODY, AND SOUL, AND WHEN MINDS AND SOULS ARE JOINED FOR ETERNITY AND WHEN ETERNITY IS AT THE DOOR, IT'S AN INVITATION TO LET GO OF THE BODY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE AND EXPERIMENT. Jerry: DAD,PLEASE. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Beth: WHATEVERIT IS ,IT 'S BEAUTIFUL, LEONARD, AND WE SUPPORT YOU. Jerry: HEY,SPEAKFOR YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY JACOB IS YOUR LOVER. NO,NO,NO ,NO ,NO ,NO . JACOB IS YOUR MOTHER'S LOVER. [ CHUCKLES ] I WATCH THEM SOMETIMES FROM A CHAIR AND SOMETIMES FROM A CLOSET, ALMOST ALWAYS DRESSED AS SUPERMAN. [SMOOCHES] OH. JERRY, THIS HAM HAS GOT TO BE ALL YOU, RIGHT? IT'S INCREDIBLE. [ CHUCKLES ] Summer: HAPPYHUMANHOLIDAY, DAD. AAH! [ROARS] HEPATITISWON'TFOLLOWUS INTO THE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM. THAT'SSTRANGE. AIRFLOW IS DOWN 20%. SO,THEBRAINISN 'TGETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN. THAT'SWHY SECURITY'S OFFLINE. Morty: WELL,IGUESSWE BETTER CHECK IT OUT. HEY! WAITFORME! PUTTHATBACKON! IFWEGOTUPTOTHEBRONCHIAL CATWALK, WE COULD LOOK FOR A BLOCKAGE. Morty: I 'LLGO. [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] DON'TBEAHERO,KID. Morty: I 'MNOT. I'M DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S FUN. WESHOULDN'TBE HERE. WHATEVERYOUDO ,DO NOTFIRE THAT THING IN HERE. WE MUST SAVE REUBEN. THIS IS MY LIFE'S WORK. [ BLOB SQUEALS ] [GASPS] IT'SALLRIGHT,MYDEAR . NEARLY ALL HUMAN LUNGS CONTAIN A STRAIN OF THESE BACTERIA, BUT THE SCAR TISSUE KEEPS THEM... DORMANT. MORTY, GET DOWN! Morty: WHOA-HO-HO! WHOA! [ BACTERIA SNARL ] Morty: WHOA,WHOA,WHOA! [ GRUNTING ] OH, WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS? TUBERCULOSISCOMINGIN FAST! NOTFASTERTHANABULLET! AAH! NO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE? ! [COUGHS] All: WHOA! GETTOTHEDIGESTIVETRACT! HE'S COUGHING! [COUGHS] WHOAAAA! DON'T LET ME DIE! Rick: JUSTTAKEADEEP BREATH, REUBEN. [GASPS] Morty: YOU'RENOTGONNADIE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MYNAMEIS ... [COUGHS] ALEXAND[ SCREAMS] [COUGHS] [ ALL GRUNT ] Morty: RICKR-R-REUBEN'S GOT TUBERCULOSIS! Rick: OH,GREATWORK,MORTY. OKAY, I'LL JUST CURE IT AND THEN [ FLATLINE ] OKAY. WELL, I CAN'T CURE DEATH. THIS IS BAD, MORTY. YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A DEAD MAN. LISTEN, IF THE SITUATION KEEPS DARKENING, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND POP BY PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS. OBVIOUSLY I'M BIASED, BUT I THINK IT'S GREAT, MORTY. IT'S A BUNCH OF [BELCHES] PIRATES RUNNING AROUND A [BELCHES] PANCREAS. WE DON'T WHITEWASH IT, EITHER, MORTY. I MEAN, THE PIRATES ARE REALLY RAPEY. THE TOP PRIORITY IS TO GET, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS OUT OF THERE, BUT I'M JUST SAYING, IF THAT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE, PLEASE, YOU GOTTA TREAT YOURSELF. Morty: OH,MAN. W-W-W-WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE SMELL? YOUMEANTHEPANDAEXPRESS? [ CHUCKLES ] KIDDING. I-I'M KIDDING. THE BODY IS BEGINNING TO CONSTRICT AND FILL WITH GAS. WE'RE INSIDE A CORPSE, MY BOY. ANATOMY PARK IS DOOMED. Morty: FORGETABOUTTHE PARK, DOCTOR! HOW DO WE GET OUT? THEDIGESTIVETRACTISTHE EVACUATION ROUTE. GET IT? THERE'S AN EMERGENCY STATION IN THE COLON WITH A RAY THAT CAN ENLARGE US ALL. Morty: EVERYBODY,HEADFOR THE COLON! NOWI 'MTAKINGORDERSFROMA 12-YEAR-OLD BOY? MORTY,THESCARSACS CONTAINING THE TUBERCULOSIS WERE SABOTAGED. THIS DISASTER WAS AN INSIDE JOB. KEEP YOUR EYE ON ANNIE. SHE WAS WRITTEN UP SEVERAL TIMES BY HER MANAGER AT THE CHURRO STAND. INTESTINESAREAHEADTOTHE LEFT, THEN TO THE RIGHT, THEN LEFT, ET CETERA. Morty: HEY,JUSTSOYOUKNOW, I-I-I'M ACTUALLY 14. SO, YOU KNOW... WHAT? Morty: NOT12 . OKAY. Morty: YOUKNOW,BECAUSEHE JUST SAID I WAS 12. OH. GOOD FOR YOU. Rick: OOF. UGH. MORTY. STRIKE ONE. Morty:[ GROANS] [ FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS ] ♪IT'SAROADOFWONDER♪ ♪ A TRAIL OF FOOD ♪ ♪ IT'S A PATHWAY TO BREAK UP THE BAD AND GOOD ♪ ♪ IT'S A TUBE THAT DIGESTS AND THEN SENDS OUT THE REST ♪ ♪ IT'S A SMALL, SMALL INTESTINE ♪ ITGOESON LIKETHISFOR MILES. THENWEGETTOTHELARGE INTESTINE! [ CREATURE ROARS ] SHH! I HEAR SOMETHING. [ROARS] Don'tmove. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. [ROARS] WAIT,I WASWRONG. I WAS THINKING OF A T. REX. [ ALL SCREAM ] MOVE! WE'RESITTINGDUCKS! Morty: DOC,DIDN'TYOU SAY THAT THE BODY WAS FILLING WITH GAS? YES. WHY? KID,YOU'REAGENIUS. AREYOUMAD? ! Morty: EVERYBODY,IN HERE! [ROARS] HEY,GONORRHEA! HOW'S THISFOR A BURNING SENSATION? [GROANS] HUH. Morty:[ GIGGLES] Summer:♪ DRUMMERDRUMDRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM ♪ ♪ DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM ♪ ♪ CHRISTMAS DRUMS ♪ OH,SINGIT ,SUMMER. Summer:♪ CHRISTMASDRUMS BEING PLAYED BY A BO-O-O-Y ♪ OH,I LOVETO HEARYOU SING. [ LAUGHS ] Summer:[ SCATTING] Beth: JERRY,COMEON. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. Jerry: I GETIT ,BETH. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR. I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR TAKING YOUR iPAD. Beth: WHAT? JERRY, LET THAT STUFF GO, OKAY? I'M SORRY I WAS A BITCH EARLIER. LET'S JUST BE HERE. [GRUNTS]SUMMER! Summer: ETHAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I'VEBEENTEXTINGYOU FOR HOURS! WHAT THE HELL? ! Summer: I DON'THAVEMY PHONE! I'M DOING A HUMAN HOLIDAY! WELL,DIDYOUEVENCONSIDER HOW THAT MIGHT MAKE MEFEEL? ! Summer: HOWYOUFEEL? ! WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPENING TO YOU? ! Jerry: SUMMER,DO YOUHAVEA BOYFRIEND? YEAH,DOYOU,SUMMER? Summer: I DON'TKNOW,ETHAN. DO I? ! JERRY,NODISRESPECT,BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO CONNECT MORE WITH YOUR FAMILY, MAN. ISHOULDBE ABLETOACCESS THE BACKUP GENERATOR TO GET THE GROWTH RAY ONLINE. IF IT WORKS, WE'LL BE REGULAR-SIZED IN A FEW MINUTES. I JUST HOPE REUBEN'S NOT IN A ROOM WITH WHITE CARPETS OR UPHOLSTERY. [ RUMBLING ] WHATTHEHELLISTHAT ? THESPHINCTERDAM. WE BUILT IT WHEN REUBEN BECAME INCONTINENT, BUT IT WAS NOT DESIGNED TO HOLD A CORPSE LOAD. I'VEALMOSTGOTIT. EVERYBODY, MOVE INSIDE THE CIRCLE. [ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ] Morty: PONCHO? WHAT IS THIS IN YOUR BACKPACK? THAT'SBUBONICPLAGUE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT, PONCHO? [GASPS] EVERYBODY,GETBACK! PONCHO,YOUSONOFA BITCH! YOU RELEASED THE TUBERCULOSIS SO YOU COULD STEAL FROM ME? THAT'SRIGHT,BABY. A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PAY TOP DOLLAR TO DECIMATE THE POPULATION. I'LL TAKE THE HIGHEST BIDDER AL-QAEDA, NORTH KOREA, REPUBLICANS, SHRINERS, BALDING MEN THAT WORK OUT, PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THAT ARE ONLY TURNED ON BY CARTOONS OF JAPANESE TEENAGERS ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN WORKING FOR YOU, YOU POMPOUS, NEGLIGENT, iTUNES-GIFT-CARD-AS-A-HOLIDAY- BONUS-GIVING MOTHER Morty:[ SCREAMS] [GRUNTS] COME ON! Morty:[ GROANS] [LAUGHS] [ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ] AAH! [ GRUNTS ] GET OFF! [ SCREAMS ] [ RUMBLING ] YOUGUYS! IT'SGONNABURST! GO! GO, GO, GO! [ ALL PANTING ] MY FOOT IS STUCK. NO! IT'SOKAY! IT'S OKAY. JUST GO. TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM. THEY MAY BE HARD TO FIND'CAUSE MY WIFE KEPT HER LAST NAME AND SHE MADE THE KIDS TAKE IT, TOO, SO, I-I DON'T KNOW, YOU CAN NO! [ SOBS ] LETMEASKYOU AQUESTION, ETHAN. WHERE'S THE ANGER COMING FROM, MAN? FROMSUMMERBEINGATOTAL BITCH! WHERE'STHEANGERCOMING FROM? MYBROTHER... TOOKMEFISHING ONCE... IN THE BUSHES... [ WHIMPERS ] [ Voice breaking ] I CAN'T... I CAN'T... [ SOBS ] HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A GIRL! I HE MADE ME A GIRL! [ SOBS ] HEDIDN'TMAKEYOU ANYTHING, MAN. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. SHE IS WHO SHE IS. NOW, YOU GO TO HER... BRAND-NEW. COMEHERE,RIGHTNOW . Summer: OH,MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY, ETHAN! I LOVE YOU! ILOVEYOUSOMUCH . [ BOTH MOANING ] Jerry: UM... YOUDIDIT AGAIN,CUBBIE. COME HERE. [ BOTH MOANING ] Jerry: NO! STOP! IHATE THIS ! WELL,CHRISTMASDOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND WHAT YOU HATE, SON. Jerry: WELL,THENIHATE CHRISTMAS! ENJOY BEING HUMAN! YOU GUYS ARE GROSS AND LAME. MYNAME'SREUBENRIDLEY. YOU'RE INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT BY THE END OF THIS JOURNEY... WHOOPSIE. I'LLBEINSIDEALL OFYOU. MY STORY BEGINS DURING THE DOT-COM CRASH IN THE EARLY '90s. [ WHIRRING ] YOUCANPUTYOURFINGERS WHEREVER YOU WANT. Rick: MORTY,YOUWANTTOPUT IT ON MUTE OR SOMETHING? I'M I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE. Jerry: UH... RICK? Rick: NOTNOW,JERRY. I'VE GOT [BELCHES] MUCH, MUCH SMALLER FISH TO FRY. Jerry: I WANTEDTO SAYI'M SORRY I EVER JUDGED YOU. RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE MY SANEST RELATIVE. Rick: RELATIVE. R-RELATIVE SIZE! JERRY, HAND ME A SCALPEL AND A BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE. MORTY, CAN YOU GET TO THE LEFT NIPPLE? Morty: AREYOUKIDDING? I'M HOPING I CAN GET TO BOTH OF 'EM, RICK. Rick: NO,MORTY,I'M TALKING ABOUT REUBEN'SLEFT NIPPLE. [ RUMBLING ] Morty:[ GRUNTS] WE NEED TO GET TO THE LEFT NIPPLE! THEBODYIS DECAYING. THE ARTERIAL TRANSIT SYSTEM IS USELESS. WE CAN TRY THE SERVICE SHUTTLE. IT'S CONNECTED TO THE SKELETAL SYSTEM. THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT THE BONE TRAIN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE THE BONE TRAIN, MISS? IFIT'LLGETUSOUTOFHERE. HOWABOUTYOU,MORTY? WOULD YOULIKE TO RIDE THE BONE TRAIN? Morty: WHYAREYOU DOINGTHIS BIT? WE'RE GONNA DIE! LET'S GO! Jerry: WELL... ICAN SEE YOU'RE BUSY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, RICK. Rick:[ GROANS] THERE'SNOAUTOPILOT. ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO STAY HERE AND OPERATE IT MANUALLY. Morty: UH,WELL... NO,YOU'REYOU'RERIGHT. I-IT WAS A DICK MOVE FOR ME TO EVEN PAUSE LIKE THAT. THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. YOU GO ON. [ BACTERIA SCREECHING ] WHATTHEHELLISTHAT ? E.COLIOUTBREAK. HURRY! Morty:[ SCREAMS] [GRUNTS] WAIT, THERE ISAN AUTOPILOT. WAIT! IT'S OKAY! NEVER MIND! I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF ANYWAY! THEY'RE THEY'RE CHEWING THROUGH THE DOORS! Morty:[ SCREAMS] Morty: WE'REIN THEAREOLA, RICK ALMOST TO THE NIPPLE, BUT WE'RE ALSO IN A REALLY BAD SITUATION! Rick: I 'MALMOSTTHERE, MORTY! REPORTSFROMALLOVERTHE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN COMING IN ABOUT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GIANT, NAKED MAN OVER THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES. WE NOW GO TO TOM RANDOLPH IN NEW YORK. TOM? WELL,THEEYESAREN'T TWINKLING AND THE DIMPLES AREN'T MERRY, BUT I'M STANDING UNDER A NOSE LIKE A 70-MILE CHERRY. THANKYOU,TOM. LET'S GO NOW TO ERIC McMAHAN IN LOS ANGELES. WE'VEGOTFEETHEREONTHE WEST COAST, BILL GIANT FEET, EVEN RELATIVE TO THE GIANT MAN'S SIZE, AND YOU KNOWWHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THAT. WELL,IFTHEOLD ADAGEIS TRUE, ONE CAN ONLY WONDER WHAT'S GOING DOWN IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS. WHA? [ SCREAMS ] [ BACTERIA SCREECHING ] Morty: OHMY GOD,THE TRACK! IT'SHEPATITISA! Morty: AAAAH! [ SCREAMS ] [GASPS] THE NIPPLE HOLE. Morty: IT'SBEAUTIFUL. [ROARS] OH,NO! Morty: HOLYCRAP! WHOA! IT'SHEPATITISC! [GRUNTS] Morty: UM... WAITDID WE HAVE SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM? ITHINKTHEY'REJUSTLIKE THAT? I THINK THEY'RE JUST GOOD GUYS. Morty: OH. HUH. Rick: WHERE'SDR.BLOOM? Morty: I 'MSORRY,RICK,BUT HE'S DEAD. Rick: GODDAMNIT, MORTY. I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING! Beth: JERRYDOESN'TKNOWWHAT HE'S MISSING. HE'LLCOMEAROUND,BETH. CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME. IT HAS FUNNY WAYS OF BRINGING FAMILIES TOGETHER. Beth: I DON'TKNOW,JACOB. JERRY GOT AN INVITATION TO BE ALIVE TODAY, AND HE REJECTED IT. I DON'T KNOW IF OUR MARRIAGE WILL... Summer:[ GASPS] IT'S RAINING BLOOD! OH,SHIT. FINDJERRY. OH,GOD. Beth: JERRY! Jerry: IT'SALLRIGHT. THE TV SAYS THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. THEGIANT,NAKEDSKY SANTA HAS EXPLODED. BLOOD AND CHUNKS OF VISCERA ARE RAINING DOWN ON THE COUNTRY. EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE. [ ALL SIGH ] OH,YES. Summer: DAD,CANIHAVE MY PHONE BACK? Jerry: A SURE,SWEETIE. HERE. EVERYBODY, TAKE A DEVICE. IT'LL HELP YOU RELAX. THISISNICE. Jerry: YEAH. LOOK, I GUESS WE REALLY LEARNED SOMETHING THIS CHRISTMAS, JACOB. Summer: NO,WE DIDN'T,DAD . NO, WE DIDN'T. Rick: TOOBADABOUT DR. BLOOM. HE WAS A GENIUS THE ONLY MAN CAPABLE OF CREATING A NEW ANATOMY PARK. ACTUALLY,I STUDIED DR. BLOOM'S WORK. I-I-I-I BELIEVE I HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO CREATE AN ENTIRELY NEW, MUCH SAFER PARK. Rick: WHATABOUT... PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS? ITHINKIT WASONE OFTHE MOST UNDERRATED ATTRACTIONS. Rick: BOO-YAH! HOLD YOUR BREATH. Morty: HEY,W-W-WHATTHE HELL, RICK? ! WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I LIKED HER! I REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING THERE, RICK! Rick: YEAH,SO IHEARD. [BELCHES] YOU DODGED A BULLET, MORTY TRUST ME. Puffy vagina. Morty: W-WHAT'SWRONGWITH THAT? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A PROBLEM TO ME. I DON'T KNOW. Rick: COMEON ,LET'SGET SOME STUFFING. I'M STARVING. [ GADGETS BEEPING ] OH, UNBELIEVABLE. WE GOT WE GOT A BUNCH OF ROBOT, COMPUTER PEOPLE, SITTING AROUND WITH THEIR FACES STUFFED INTO COMPUTER SCREENS. DO YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT CHRIST WAS BORN TODAY? JESUS CHRIST, OUR SAVIOR, WAS BORN TODAY. ARE ARE ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN HUMAN? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS? HEY,RICK? RICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME? Rick: LOUDANDCLEAR,ANNIE. GREAT. WE'RE ALSO ON WITH ALEJANDRO, OUR CHF IMAGINARIAN. HEY,RICK. NATALIEJACOBSAND CHRIS DESETER FROM MICROSCOPIC MARKETING, ZACK FROM ORGAN CONCEPTS, AND JAMIE FROM NEW MEDIA. Rick: HEY,EVERYBODY. HI,HOW'SIT GOING? HI,RICK. SO,PIRATESOF THEPANCREAS. Rick: YEAH. TALKTOME. HEY,RICK. IT'S ALEJANDRO SPEAKING. UM, SO, WE ASKED OURSELVES, INTERNALLY WE ASKED OURSELVES OVER HERE, "OKAY, WHAT DOES A PANCREAS DO?" AND THE ANSWER WAS, "DOES IT MAKE PIRATES?" NO, IT MAKES INSULIN, YOU KNOW? SO, WE'RE STARTING WITH A NEW THOSEGUYSAREINSIDEME, HUH? LIKE, BUILDING A PARK? Rick: THOSEGUYSARE INSIDE YOU BUILDING A PCE OF SHIT, ETHAN! THEY'RE INSIDE YOU BUILDING A MONUMENT TO COMPROMISE! [BLEEP]'EM. [BLEEP] THOSE PEOPLE. [BLEEP] THIS WHOLE THING, ETHAN. COOL. AND WHO PAYS ME? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Idiot... LA, baby! Al and Kitty have invited me over to pursue the Chadwick bloodline. And the timing just felt right. You know, with the breakup and the-- the redundancy, it just felt like it was time to, you know, stop sitting around and waiting for my life to happen. So... here I am at LAX, Los Angeles... X. - I don't know what the X-- There he is. - Tom! - Here, look-- whoa! - Oh, Tom. - Tom! - So sorry. - No. - The traffic. - Are you late? I didn't even notice. - Great to meet you. - The freeway was a sardine can. So lovely to meet you. Hi. - Oh, look. Hey. - Look at what-- look. - Aw! - I made this today. That's so sweet, Kitty. - Yes. Do you like it? - Come on, I got the car right here. - Great. - Let go. - Let go. - Okay. Remember, we're having a BBQ tomorrow. We're having a barbecue in your honor. You're gonna meet your relatives. - Rick Tillman from the Tillmans is coming. - And Julie. - And Julie. Rick and Julie. - Julie, his girlfriend. David Chadwick's coming all the way from the Carolinas. - Oh, my God. - He's on a road trip. He drove his car across the whole country. - That's great. - I'm gonna make a big salad. You're gonna see all your relatives. - Oh, it's... - Do you like music? I do, yeah. - Do you like RB? - RB? Put it on, put it on. Yeah. Oh, great. Wow. Check it. Mm-hmm. ♪ She's the kind of lady... ♪ Uh-huh. ♪ She's the kind of woman ♪ ♪ I call her baby ♪ ♪ And she calls me uh-uh... ♪ - Yeah. - ♪ When I see her walking... ♪ How about it? How about it? Does RB mean the same thing here? - Yes, rhythm and blues. - Oh! ♪ She's my lady baby... ♪ It's so beautiful. Someone's got green fingers. - That's me. - Is it? We love this neighborhood. - It's just perfect. - We just love it, love it, love it. - Palm trees on your roads. - Yeah. Here we are. Ooh! It's lovely. Thank you. This really is quite beautiful, guys. - Oh, thank you. - All her keen eyes. She did all this. - No. - I did, I did. I actually got a book and I read a book about how to redo a house, and that's how I learned. Well, it worked. It was a good book. Well, thank you. Thank you. And sí casa c'est mi casa. Well, I think you're trying to say, "Mi casa es su casa." "Our house is your house" en español. Oh, yeah. I saw there was loads of Mexicans at the airport. Yeah, it's... California. - Yeah. - While you're here, anything you need, anything you want, you just tell us. - Thank you. - I grew up in this house. This was my father's house and there's a lot of-- a lot of great memories in this house. I can't, for the life of me, remember any of them, but... So, you wanna see your room? - I have my own room? - And your own loo. Stop it. Well, I'm Al Chadwick and I was born and raised in Glendale, California. And I'm a podiatrist, the son of a podiatrist. I can say I successfully followed in my father's footsteps. Met a lovely lady some years ago. Seated to my left here. I saw her number on a bathroom wall. She's not that kind of girl and I'm not that kind of guy. Some prankster put her number there. But it was kismet. It was serendipity. We were destined to meet and we've been in love ever since. We have. We have. - This is your suite. - Oh... Our daughter's away at grad school, so this is all yours. It's been a while since I've been in a college girl's bedroom. - Oh, really? - Hopefully this will be less harrowing. Well, she won't be back for a while. Terrific. It's great. Well, this is embarrassing. So just-- I was fostering a senior citizen basset hound who had a little bit of a bladder control-- - We've gotta recarpet this. - I know, but in the meantime-- - We'll throw something over it. - Some sand or something. - We've all been there. - Yeah. And this is your bathroom. - Your very own. - Sweet. That's great, actually. That's about to see some serious action. Oh. Well, it's all yours. And I am gonna get dinner started. What would you like to drink? Uh, I'll have a lager. That'd be great. Oh, that's a beer. Oh, a beer. Yeah. Now, it's cold. Do you mind? Shall I heat it up for you? No, that'd be fine. - Cold works-- - Cold's okay? Okay. - Cold works well. - Lager. Lager. Lager. That's close enough. - Thank you. - Okay. Oi. - Hello. - Tommy... - it's me. - Hey, Pete. Hey! How are you? - I'm in America! - Yay! You're in America! - What's a bear's favorite pasta? - What? Oh, shit-- I don't know, Pete. What's a bear's favorite pasta? - Tagliatelle. - What? Teddy! Tagliateddy. Oh-- tagliateddy, not tag-- you all right? I'm great. I mean, I'm a bit jet-lagged, but I'm all right. What time is it there? Uh... I'm still on old time-- wait, what time is it-- it's really late there. It's 3:00 in the morning here. - Where are you? - I'm at work. I've been up all night. I've been helping the zebu give birth to a little baby zebu. It came out of its mom's... front one. Yeah, that's how that works. Any-- listen, - I can't wait to see you. - You too. It's gonna be amazing. Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing you, man. All right, buddy. Love you! - Love-- - Bye! Yeah. Oh-- toilet. "I'm looking forward to meeting Pete." Yes, that's gonna be fun. I'm excited that Pete is coming to visit. I'm a little worried how Kitty will deal with him. Pete's great. But when he used to come and visit when I was living in Ireland with my mom, he-- he would insist on sleeping naked. Which is fine when you're at home. But when you're camping or sleeping on your friend's mother's couch, it's a little-- it's different. So this would be my great-great- grandfather Charles. - Yes. - And this chirpy little chiquita - is his wife Rebecca. - Rebecca and Charles. Yeah, this would be a brother of your great-grandfather Edward. Edward. So this would be my great-granduncle. That's the one. And here he is in his military garb during the Civil War, but there's a button missing. And I found a couple of buttons in-- in Victoria's box. I don't know what that one is for, but this one looks like it's a match. - Isn't that amazing? - Let me look at-- The British are coming! The British are coming! - ♪ Ta-ta ta-ta! ♪ - Oh, boy. My neighbor. There he is! - Hey. - Sorry, my bagpipes are in the shop. Your Majesty, I beg your indulgence. - Enter, sir. - Mike. - Hello. - How are ya, Al? - Very good, Michael. - Seen anything mysterious lately - you want to report? - Just now I did. - Hi, I'm Mike. - Hello. - And you're? - I'm Tom. We're just getting over the Beatles invasion. Hey, I brought you some English muffins so you'd feel comfortable. That's very thoughtful, Mike. Thank you. You might wanna toss them in the toaster. I understand these Brits like their buns warm and well-buttered. I don't know what that means, but okay. And something to take back to England to your friends-- this is a toothbrush with a book of instructions. Use it twice a day and call me in the morning. - That's-- - I'm just having some fun with you there. 'Cause we've got bad teeth. Yeah. So, is this your first time in the States? Yeah, first time. American virgin. So listen, we have a great country. Make a point to see it. You can ski in the snow, you can swim in the ocean. Or if you wanted, you can go to San Francisco and go both ways. - Oh. - You know? Okay. - Hi, Kitty. - Hi, Mike. How are ya? - You look great. - Oh, thanks. It's good to see you. - You staying regular? - Oh, trying. - Okay. - You know, trying. Oh, sh-- I didn't-- sorry, I didn't know you had a cat. Oh, that's Kitty. We rescued her from a really, really horrible high-kill shelter. Very, very sweet. No claws. - You like cats? - What's that? - Do you like cats? - Uh, yeah, I like cats. I like cats. I'm pretty allergic to them. Oh. You want me to move the cat? Yes, that would be terrific. Don't kill it. - Careful, careful. - Oh. Yeah. It's vicious, isn't it? I'm not allergic to cats. I just don't like them. When I was younger, Bea told me that they're the devil's spawn. And I think she's right, as it happens. Some people don't like cats because they don't know what they're thinking. But I don't like cats because I know exactly what they're thinking. They're thinking, "Why don't we all get together and scrape out Tom's eyes in his sleep?" There's definitely something there. He's a lot slimmer. Fuck. Hi. Hey, Monk. How are you? Okay. Is Bea there? Well, she's sleeping. Um... it's pretty late here. Can I talk to her? No. She doesn't feel like talking. She's sleeping. Well, what's going on with you? Well, she's depressed. She lost her job at the bank. - Aw, shit. - Yeah. Sucks. Were you there when it happened? Yeah, I was there. Ugly. - Was it your fault? - No. - Was it? - No. Can I talk to Bea? No. Will you tell her that I'm really sorry that she lost her job? Yeah. I'm really not gonna talk to Bea? Is that what's-- I'm just gonna talk to you? She's sleeping, I said. Okay, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go. Sorry, Bea. 'Night. 'Night. You know, thanks to my father Al Senior, I got a wonderful education as a podiatrist. But a more important part of my education came when I was just 14. I went to Camp Weenahaha up in the Sierras there and we had Native American leaders come and teach us the old ways. Elders came and taught us things about... "kahee-na-ha," you know, whittling. We learned "poh-si-whoa" which is fire-starting, and... "yo-leven," which is Indian gaming. I can start a fire with a garlic press and some bear scat. I can make an old cigar humidor into a drum for signaling help. These are skills that I've honed over the years. And, you know, we need to think in those ways. There's gonna come a time, and I mean soon, when you'll turn on the lights and nothing will happen. I learned to not only operate, but to build a ham radio. So I'll communicate with my friends out there, like-minded people who know this is coming, and that's why I have the SUV with the high clearance to get over the barricades and get back home and help my wife and feed her and keep her warm. We're gonna need these skills, because the time is coming, and I mean- - I mean now. - You doing okay, Tom? - I'm doing great. - I am nailing this. - Oh, good. You know, I wanted to ask you-- so, the school you went to, was it like Hogwarts? Yeah, I bet it was. What was that like? Was it like-- did the teachers wear those hooded pointy hats like wizards wear? Yeah, no. Not so much. Did you save your outfit? I'd love to see it. Yeah, yeah, no. I like the movies and everything, but it wasn't really like that. Hey, can you just grab me a bowl when you get a sec? Whoa. Sorry. Oh! You found my products. That's okay. I was actually meaning to tell you that I have these products that I make. They're called "flushes" and they're like enemas. They come in all different flavors. - I'm working on more flavors, actually. - Oh. You know what? It would be great for you because it would help your jet lag, it would make you feel perky and energetic. - I feel pretty perky already. - They're fantastic. It's like an anal milkshake. - Why are they flavored? - It's interesting. There are tiny taste buds up inside your anus. - Shut up. - Yes. And if you don't like these, I've got a bubble gum, I've got a strawberry shortcake I'm working on. Some cookies and cream right up the-- I'll get that, actually. Great. Oh, I can't wait. This is gonna be great. Oh. Just-- We can come right in. I'm not worried about-- - Oh, hey. - Hi. - Tom. Yeah, hi. Rick. - Yes. - Rick! - Yes. - And, uh... - Julie. Julie. From Redondo Beach. - That's exactly right. - I've got it all up there. Yeah, you do. You've got it figured out. - Lovely to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. We brought you a little something. Actually, Julie made it. Yeah, it's just meats. It's a really good Lebanese dish. That sounds delicious. I'll bring that in. Actually, I'd like to hold on to this, if you don't mind. - She'll just carry it. - That's fine. Why don't you come through, hmm? - Yeah. - This is exciting. Welcome to Al's BBQ. We have some multicultural fare for you today for our friend who crossed the pond. We got our English bangers, Italian sausage, and we got the bratwurst, so a little bit from three countries. The size and the girth of that one there reminds me of sausages from Istanbul, I believe. It's called "sucuk" and it's mostly horse meat and cumin. And really spicy, really spicy. It would knock your socks off. Stuff like this would just be dull. I've seen those. You can see the marks on the side of the meat from when the jockey was whipping it. Yes, you would. Yes, you would. You know, my stepmother is Moldovan, so we have a lot of native sausage in the house in London. Yeah, it's really something. Full of flavor. - Uh-huh. - None of which are pleasant. The cheese is always the first to go. I know. Do you eat imported cheese? What do-- no. You mean from different countries? Yeah, like France or Italy or Ireland. I just look at the box, the color of my mood, the pictures. I don't read what it says. - Cheese is cheese. - No. Well, but it's not because-- Hello? - Is this the Chadwick house? - Yeah. - Hi. I'm Dave Chadwick. - Oh, hi, Dave. - I'm Kitty. - How are you? - It's nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you, too. Hey, Al, Dave's here. David. Welcome, welcome. Hey. How's it going? Nice to meet you live and in person. Ooh. Mm. You, sir, deliver a juicy sausage. There's nothing more exciting than a barbecue. So, uh... Dave, do you have a special lady in your life? Well, I did. - Ah. - Mm. - What? - It's a complicated story. - Right. - I have a couple of pictures. Oh. This one. Guadalupe is her name. She's very beautiful. Yeah, she's from Peru. That's why she's wearing that hat. Ah. They wear those all the- - I didn't know that. They do, yeah. That's us trick-or-treating on our street. - Really good. - Yeah. - Which one--? - I'm Stan Laurel. She's Hardy. Oliver Hardy, but she called herself Ola. She couldn't say Oliver for some reason. You made quite the couple. - Yeah. - But it didn't work out? She's missing. She went missing about three years ago. She's just missing? I don't know where she is, to be honest. That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I looked for her for about a year and a half, pretty solid, and then it started to kind of dwindle off. I had other things I was doing- you know, working, of course. - Yeah. So now, I'll be honest, I don't know where she is, but I'm kind of back to my regular routine. You guys got on-- it was a good relationship? Right. My part of the Chadwick family come from mostly North Carolina, but other places as well. Mostly what I know is about my grandfather Phineas, who was a musician and a collector of art. And he was also an actor and a baseball player. ♪ Spotted pup runnin' around the barn ♪ ♪ Spotted pup runnin' around the barn... ♪ He's a good banjo player, isn't he? Yeah, he's a good musician. He's got a nice voice, too. ♪ Where are you goin'? ♪ And that's the spotted pup song. - Nice. - Hey. - That was great. - Yeah. - That's a funny little piece there. - You look like him. I can see it. I can see it, yeah. A little bit, yeah, yeah. I have an interesting document here, which is a passenger list which shows Charles Chadwick going to England. - Can I take a look at that? - Yeah. Here. Let's see. Wow. Oh, yeah. So, he left for England on April 16, 1865. It's so weird that they would go to England. Yeah, you know, history at that time was just drinking and gambling. Maybe he had a big gambling debt and had to go. Or maybe he just didn't pay his taxes and he had to flee. - Well, that's possible. - Can I see that? Yes. I find this date of particular interest. April 16, 1865-- two days after Lincoln was shot. Whoa. Why would that be--? My great-granduncle Charles Chadwick has the resources to go over to England? - Where'd he get his funding? - Holy shit. Al, I don't know where he would get his funding. - I don't. - People just get jobs. He had a job, all right. It's widely known that Booth did not act alone; he had an accomplice. And the chatter over the telegraph at the time was that it was someone sympathetic to England. History doesn't show that at all, Al. - No one has ever claimed that there was a-- - Yes, it does. - Really? Okay. - Yes, it does. I hear music and the sound of laughter. Hi. How are you? I'm sorry I'm late. Listen, Kim is at home with a bad migraine. Migraines are very painful, particularly for me because that means there'll be no hanky-panky tonight. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be crude saying hanky-panky. But there's ladies present and I didn't wanna say "fuck." Oh, right. Look at me sitting in shorts. California. It's mad to think, you know, a couple of months ago, I didn't know that these people existed. And here we are just bonding. And I suppose it makes sense that we're connecting so quickly, because we're all part of this tree. This is what I'm getting as time goes on. I'm a part-- I'm a twig, a sheltered little Irish twig, and Al and Kitty are a high branch that have been in the sun too long. Rick's the trunk. Dave's a bit of gnarly bark. All connected. So the warden comes over and he says, "Bad news. Tonight's your night in the barrel." Gives a whole new meaning to "feeling your oats," huh? Ah! Hey, Al, is that a Wiffle ball set? - Is that yours? - It's our daughter's, actually. My gosh. Let's have a Wiffle ball game. What do you say? Everyone up for it? Yeah, I could do that. I'll do that. All right, everyone spread out in a semicircle. Dave, you set them up into position. - Where do you want to--? - Just stand out there. - Okay. - Okay. Help Tom. You show him, Al. - Can I play with a beer in my hand? - Absolutely, yeah. Just keep your head up. All right. All right, Tom, bend over and put your hands on your knees. Not the first time you've heard that, huh? All right, everyone ready? This is just a practice. It's a beautiful day for a Wiffle ball game. The weather is sunny with a 40% chance of a home run. - Ow! My gosh! - Oh! - Oh! - Kitty! You okay? - No! - What are you doing? - Careful with that. - Oh, my God. - I see a retina. - Put this on. - What's that? - It's some ice-cold lobster. - Lobster? ! - This is from the ocean. - The shell is gonna cut her. - It stinks. - Get that out of here. - But it's nature. I need, like, a vegetable. Her retina's gonna detach. You've gotta hold that in. Here's a couple of shrimp. They're very dull. - No salt. - No, no, please. This is so nice. This is pleasant. Do you ever do this in London Town? No, I don't have a hot tub. Don't have the space. So much room here. - Yeah. - I love this. - Yeah. - Nice, isn't it? It's weird to think if things had gone slightly differently-- Edward had gone to Britain, Charles had stayed here-- this would be my hot tub. You'd be a podiatrist... playing "Kitty Kitty Bang Bang" here. - All right. - Oh! I don't hate the idea of that, Al. - With no accent. - Yeah. Well, I'd have an American accent. Well, that's not an accent. Dave? Wanna get some trunks and come on in? Dave, come join us. Come for a little dippy-dippy, Davey. Well, here's the thing. I have a vestigial tail. And if I get in the hot water, it's gonna inflame it, and you don't want that to happen. So probably best that I don't submerge it. You know, it's just a nubby little thing. It's like a knuckle, but it gets all red at the tip. Is that a-- is that a hereditary thing? It is, actually, yes. It doesn't run maybe in all parts of the Chadwicks, but it's-- in my case, I have to get one half size larger in pants because it protrudes. So thank you for the invite, but I shall go beddy-bye now. - Thank you. - Good night. All right. Nighty-night, cuz. I don't see a tail. It must be the fit of the pants. I couldn't see a thing. It's probably one like a Doberman pinscher kind that just is like-- Maybe they bobbed it like you bob a dog's tail. Right, and I bet he-- I wonder if he'd wag it. Sweetie, I'm getting tired. - I am, too. - You wanna hit it? - Yeah. - Okay. Yeah, I might just stay and look at the stars for a bit. - You stay. - I don't get to do this often. - Stay as long as you like. - Night-night. Thanks so much for today. Oh, sure. Good night. - Here you go, sweetie. - Thank you, thank you. - Hey, Tom. - Huh? Where is everybody? Um, they went to bed. Oh. Well, if the ladies have all retired, then in that case, looks like I don't need these. ♪ When I found you, I found myself ♪ ♪ I was gonna love you like nobody else ♪ ♪ But I never really had a clue ♪ ♪ How to love a girl like you ♪ ♪ Two true believers ♪ ♪ We devised ♪ ♪ A temporary paradise ♪ ♪ Now our future's in the past ♪ ♪ I should have known ♪ ♪ It wouldn't last ♪ ♪ I should have been a better man ♪ ♪ You could have been a better friend ♪ ♪ I'm alone, but that's okay ♪ ♪ I guess the dice ♪ ♪ Just rolled that way. ♪ I got to meet a gang of people at my mother's saloon. You want to come? It's a party for me, honest. - I'd love to. - Really? You mean it? Why? Have you changed your mind? No, no, I mean, I-I know it isn't every day that a glorified ziegfeld girl like me asks you out. Thank you, Rachel, that was lovely. That's it? All I needed to see. It was a pleasure reading with you. And I loved you as Lancelot. I saw the revival of Camelot three times... four, if you include the bootleg that my friend Kurt has, so... Thanks. Well, Paolo, you're our Tony winner. What did you think? Aw, she's charming. And she certainly looks right for the part. I just fear that she's too young, you know, too green? That was my concern as well. Lack of experience. She'd be a discovery, but it's such a risk. I mean, that part, it's a mountain. At her age, I never could have pulled it off. Now, where did we leave it with Claire Danes' people? ♪ Yesterday ♪ all my troubles seemed ♪ so far away ♪ now it looks as though ♪ they're here to stay ♪ oh, I believe ♪ in yesterday ♪ suddenly ♪ I'm not half the girl ♪ I used to be ♪ there's a shadow ♪ hanging over me ♪ oh, yesterday ♪ came suddenly ♪ why he ♪ had to go ♪ I don't know ♪ he wouldn't say... ♪ I said ♪ something wrong ♪ now I long for yesterday ♪ hey, ye-ye-yesterday ♪ love was such an easy ♪ game to play ♪ now I need a place to hide away ♪ ♪ oh, I believe ♪ in yesterday ♪ why he had to go ♪ I don't know ♪ he wouldn't say ♪ I said something wrong ♪ now I long ♪ for yesterday ♪ hey, yeah ♪ oh, yesterday ♪ love was such ♪ an easy game to play ♪ now I need a place to hide away ♪ ♪ oh, I believe ♪ in yesterday ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ooh-hoo. I don't think we've ever spent two weeks on an assignment, Mr. Shue. Hey, the Beatles are so epic that we need two weeks to do them justice. This week is all about the early years of the Beatles, when all they had was a belief in each other and a belief that together they could do anything. The school year seems like it's never ending, and now we're wasting two whole weeks on a band from the 1940s? Seriously, can anyone still relate to the Beatles? Pretty much the entire world. Yeah, I can definitely still relate. Why? Were the Beatles dyslexic and cat-fished by transsexuals? And you wonder why everybody hates you. When George Harrison was a kid, he was made fun of 'cause his dad was the bus driver. John Lennon's dad wasn't even around. He walked out of John's life when he was five. I don't really know the Beatles; I'm a little on the black side. And Ringo starr was a sickly little kid, which probably means he was sitting down a lot. And they decided to form a band. Which changed the world. Now, you guys are really gonna have to challenge yourselves this week. Bring your a-plus games. Perform these classic songs in new and exciting ways. If we can push ourselves to a whole new level, like the Beatles did constantly, we can win back-to-back national championships and form a new directions! Dynasty. All right, see you guys tomorrow. Tina. And speaking of... Your chariot awaits. Okay, we're moving slower than Jonah hill trying to get out of the bathtub. And everyone is staring. Yeah, at our hotness. You know, I never thanked you for making me come clean with my mom. I'm going to the Brooklyn film academy because of you. And to thank you, I want to take you to Breadstix. Besides, we both know that the raw, animal attraction between us is undeniable. Did you really just say that? No wonder Tina broke up with you. And Brittany and sugar and the girl in the wheelchair with the disturbingly massive boobs. And ps, I hate Breadstix. Okay, well, there's a carnival in town. That could be fun. Yeah, if you want to trust your life to toothless carnies who operate the rides. Okay. So is that a yes or a no? ♪ Asked a girl what she wanted to be ♪ ♪ she said ♪ baby, can't you see? ♪ I want to be famous, a star on the screen ♪ ♪ but you can do something in between ♪ ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ yes, I'm gonna be a star ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ and maybe I'll love you... ♪ I told the girl that my prospects were good ♪ ♪ And she said, "baby..." ♪ it's understood are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? ♪ Working for peanuts is all very fine ♪ ♪ but I can show you a better time ♪ ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ yes, I'm gonna be a star ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ and maybe I'll love you ♪ beep-beep'm, beep-beep, yeah... ♪ ♪ I told that girl I can start right away ♪ ♪ and she said, listen, babe, I got something to say ♪ ♪ I got no car and it's breaking my heart ♪ ♪ but I found a driver and that's a start ♪ ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ yes, I'm gonna be a star ♪ baby, you can drive my car ♪ and maybe I'll love you ♪ beep-beep'm, beep-beep, yeah ♪ beep-beep'm, beep-beep, yeah ♪ beep-beep'm, beep-beep ♪ yeah! Tiger's my favorite, though. I like the pink one. Hey, Kitty-Kat. Girl, you crashed into me head-on. I swear, you could have paralyzed me. My bad. I'm Bree, spelled with two es. Not like the funky cheese. Artie. You two were so cute, all snuggly and cuddled up in that teeny, tiny car. Are you two going out? Nope. Just friends. Well, you should. You look really sweet together. I hope you don't mind. I took a couple of pictures and instagrammed them. Anyway, have fun. She seems nice. She's a stone-cold bitch and she's out to destroy me. Okay. You and me... We're more than "just friends." What if we go out... But we do it on the down-low? You know, like secretly gay conservatives do. It'll make everything all fun and forbidden. So you like me... But you don't want to be seen with me. I need status at this school to survive. Yeah, right. This was a mistake. Okay, no, Rachel, you are not backing out. I basically had to show Gunther my left side boob to get you this job. Here, put this on. Look, santana, while I really appreciate you freely prostituting yourself for me, that was before my world came crashing down and I totally blew my funny girl chemistry read. You're late, Lopez! Yes, yes, I know, sorry, Gunther. Is that her? Yes, this is her. Rachel, that's Gunther. Don't tell him if you're Jewish or black. Listen. You said it yourself a bazillion times. You want to get to Broadway, you have to pay your dues. Well, I mean, I guess that's true. Patti Lupone was a waitress, Pre-Evita. And, you know, this is the spotlight diner, and it's on Broadway, and waiters get to sing and dance. Plus my dads would pay my rent till I died, and I don't want that anymore because I want to be grown up and living and making it on my own. We're basically working actresses. So, you excited to go back to school? Yeah, fashion week is coming up. But this farewell picnic's been perfect, though. What's the story with this New York guy? There's no story. He was nice and people liked the idea of us as a couple, but never got serious. All right, let me break it down for you. All right, the last time we tried dating, and I was in New York and you were here, you cheated on me. All right, unacceptable. We've been through this. I thought you were done with me. I thought it was over. I thought I was completely out of the picture in your life. Look at me in the eyes when I say this. I'm being beyond serious. I will never, ever... Ever cheat on you again. I'm gonna need you to sign one of those non-cheating contracts. You know, you can get one on Oprah's web site. I will sign whatever you want. Just please say that you and I can be boyfriends again. What? I don't know if relationships actually work. I mean, weren't Bethenny and Jason supposed to be forever? For every Bethenny and Jason, there is a Will and a Jada, and a-a Kurt and a Goldie. Come on, can we at least just give it a try? But I'm Goldie, of course. Of course you are. I-I can't believe we're gonna do this again. I was hoping you would say yes. Actually I was kind of planning on it, which I why I sort of, um, put something together to try to convince you to stay a little longer. Uh, no, no, no, that's not gonna happen, okay? I-I'm not sitting down and listening to you sing to me anymore. Okay. Which is why I prepared something. ♪ I was alone, I took a ride ♪ ♪ I didn't know what I would find there ♪ ♪ another road where maybe I ♪ could see another kind of mind there ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ then I suddenly see you ♪ ooh ♪ did I tell you I need you ♪ every single day ♪ of my life? ♪ Got to get you into my life ♪ what can I do? What can I be? ♪ ♪ When I'm with you, I want to stay there ♪ ♪ if I'm true, I never leave ♪ and if I do, I know the way there ♪ ♪ ooh, then I suddenly see you ♪ ooh ♪ did I tell you I need you ♪ every single day ♪ of my life? ♪ Got to get you into my life ♪ Got to get you into my life ♪ I was alone, I took a ride ♪ I didn't know what I would find there ♪ ♪ another road where maybe I ♪ could see another kind of mind there ♪ ♪ and I suddenly see you ♪ did I tell you I need you ♪ oh ♪ I got to get you into my life. ♪ America, your prayers have been answered. Sue Sylvester is back at McKinley. Sure, I enjoyed my time away, but once Becky Jackson fessed up and started serving her month-long suspension, the school begged me to return, but I knew if I was gonna come back, I had to come back big-time, in a next level way. Welcome back, Coach Sylvester. It's Principal Sylvester. I broke into Figgins' office and planted incriminating evidence of every conceivable variety. We've had some complaints. Oh, Mr. Roberts. What's going on? I think you have a few things in your desk you may want to share with us. Gambling receipts, porno mags... We're gonna be here for a while. ...gay porno mags, gay foot fetish porno mags... It's not mine! That's puppy porn. I'm telling you, it's not mine! I go to church every Sunday, for God's sake. ...a polygamous marriage certificate, a bill of sale granting campus drilling rights to a fracking company, an autographed copy of Mein Kampf. I'm telling you, I am innocent! Our hands are tied, Mr. Figgins. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? Well, superintendent Harris, I have to say, I'm truly humbled. We're in a pinch here, coach, and you're a proven champion. You've led the school before as interim principal, and if all goes well after a few months, I see no reason why this position shouldn't become permanent. Do I feel guilty about what I did? Not at all. "The end justifies the means." Last time I was acting principal, I squandered an opportunity for greatness. This time I'm going to get it right. You're a monster, Sue Sylvester! ♪ Here I stand, head in hand ♪ turn my face to the wall ♪ if she's gone ♪ I can't go on ♪ feeling two foot small... ♪ Everywhere people stare ♪ each and every day ♪ I can see them laugh at me ♪ and I hear them say... ♪ hey ♪ you've got to hide ♪ your love away ♪ hey ♪ you've got to hide your love away ♪ ♪ how could she say to me ♪ love will find a way? ♪ Gather 'round ♪ all you clowns ♪ let me hear you say... ♪ Hey ♪ you've got to hide your love away ♪ ♪ hey, you've got to hide ♪ your love away ♪ oh ♪ hey ♪ you've got to hide ♪ your love away ♪ oh, hey ♪ you've got to hide your love away. ♪ Okay, listen up, everybody. Come on. Blaine has a very special announcement to make. That's right. So, as most of you know already, um, Kurt and I are officially back together. I know, but what most of you don't know, and this is top secret, is that I'm going to ask Kurt to marry me. Yeah, guys, come on! Get up! Come on, guys! He's my best friend. Gay marriage... good. It's good, it's good things. They're all happening so fast. - Let's go! - Sam, not now. Anyway, I want this proposal to be just incredible, so I'm asking for all of your help, but I'm also asking for some of our competitors' help. Like the warblers and vocal adrenaline and the Haverbrook school for the deaf. Vocal adrenaline? No, ma'am. The warblers are evil incarnate little craps. Are you crazy? Are you insane? Good God, have you lost your mind? Tina, everybody, hear him out. Look, I want this to be more than just an ordinary proposal. I want this to be a cultural statement. Sure you do. Hey, our generation is at a turning point. People everywhere... except, like, Russia... are beginning to see that it doesn't matter who you are or where you're from or even what God you believe in. They're beginning to see that people really aren't all that different. And honestly, if we can get a bunch of cutthroat show choirs to stand side-by-side and unite in something, then anything is possible. Okay, okay, but Blaine is just using the world of rival glee clubs as a metaphor for this incredible time we're in right now. But I still think you're too young. ♪ Help! I need somebody ♪ help! Not just anybody ♪ help! ♪ You know I need someone ♪ help! ♪ When I was younger, so much younger than today ♪ ♪ I never needed ♪ anybody's help in any way ♪ but now these days are gone ♪ I'm not so self-assured ♪ now I find I've changed my mind ♪ ♪ and opened up the doors ♪ help me if you can ♪ I'm feeling down ♪ down ♪ ♪ and I do appreciate ♪ you being 'round ♪ 'round ♪ ♪ help me get my feet ♪ back on the ground ♪ won't you please ♪ please help me? ♪ And now my life has changed ♪ in, oh, so many ways ♪ my independence seems to vanish in the haze ♪ ♪ but every now and then ♪ I feel so insecure ♪ I know that I ♪ just need you like ♪ I've never done before ♪ help me if you can ♪ I'm feeling down ♪ down ♪ ♪ and I do appreciate you being 'round ♪ ♪ 'round ♪ ♪ help me get my feet ♪ back on the ground ♪ won't you please, please help me? ♪ ♪ When I was younger ♪ so much younger than today ♪ I never needed anybody's help in any way ♪ ♪ but now these days are gone ♪ I'm not so self-assured ♪ and now I find I've changed my mind ♪ ♪ I've opened up the doors ♪ help me if you can, I'm feeling down ♪ ♪ down ♪ ♪ and I do appreciate you being 'round ♪ ♪ 'round ♪ ♪ help me get my feet back on the ground ♪ ♪ won't you please, please help me? ♪ ♪ Help me, help me, ooh. We need an official vote, but in the spirit of brotherhood and cleaning up our tarnished reputation, I think we'd all be happy to help. Uh, Trent, we said I'd do the talking. All in favor of helping Blaine? Aye! Artie, we've been friends for a long time, so I'm just gonna ask, are you and Kitty an item? What? No. I mean, yes. I mean, maybe. I'm unclear. It's sort of this secret affair we're not really supposed to talk about. Yes! I knew it! Why? Why can't you? Lower your voice, Tina. Because Kitty's uncomfortable with people knowing she's dating... Someone who wears glasses who's in a wheelchair who's in glee club? Where's your self-respect? Tina, I know you're trying to help. Like, at least I think you are. So I'm gonna say thank you. All right, got your burger and your salad. Enjoy. Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe this text I just got from Blaine. You're not gonna believe who's sitting in my section. Mmm, I'll take this. Okay, so we have one Roxie and one Velma, a side of Billy Flynns. Yes, it's me, and, yes, it's awkward, but I don't care, because I am a professional. Even when people are calling me "too young" or-or "green," which, for your information, I'm not. I am a... Am a star. Yes, I am a star. Rachel, look, it's not personal. Everyone thinks they're a star, even when they're not. Look around. They all want to be on Broadway. Look, I'm not saying you're not a star, Rachel. Just saying I'm not sure just yet. I understand. I guess I'll just have to prove it to you, then. ♪ It's been a hard day's night ♪ and I've been working like a dog ♪ ♪ it's been a hard day's night ♪ I should be sleeping like a log ♪ ♪ so why on earth should I moan? ♪ ♪ 'Cause when I get you alone, you know I feel okay ♪ ♪ when I'm home ♪ everything seems to be right ♪ when I'm home ♪ feeling you holding me tight ♪ tight, yeah ♪ it's been a hard day's night ♪ and I've been working like a dog ♪ ♪ it's been a hard day's night ♪ I should be sleeping like a log ♪ ♪ but when I get home to you ♪ I find the things that you do ♪ ♪ will make me feel all right ♪ ow! ♪ So why on earth should I moan? ♪ ♪ 'Cause when I get you alone ♪ you know I feel okay ♪ when I'm home ♪ everything seems to be right ♪ when I'm home ♪ feeling you holding me tight ♪ tight, yeah ♪ it's been a hard day's night ♪ and I've been working like a dog ♪ ♪ it's been a hard day's night ♪ I should be sleeping like a log ♪ ♪ but when I get home to you ♪ I find the things that you do ♪ ♪ will make me feel all right ♪ you know I feel all right ♪ you know I feel all right. ♪ Let's get out of here. Wait... after all that? We have to go home. There's something special we need to do. I don't know what you're so nervous about. She's not going after the cheerios! It's the glee club she hates. Bitch, please. Sue Sylvester's had it out for me since day one. I took her job, remember? I just know she's dug up all kind of dirt on me. What kind of dirt? Number one, this bronze damn olympic medal in individual synchronized swimming I won at them Chinese Olympics may have been the result of some performance- enhancing drugs and weed. Number two, I may have perpetrated a buttload of credit card fraud. An old lady in Florida may have paid for my condo, and I might have just flat-out stole my lexus off a used car lot. Well, then, yeah, we're both screwed. Sue's gonna take out the glee club and the cheerios! In one fell swoop. Oh, now why on earth would I do something like that, Buttchin? Because you're vindictive and petty. Oh, well, you're forgetting one thing, William. I have been given the post of interim principal at this school. A post that will be made permanent at the end of the year if all goes according to plan, allowing me to demolish this office down to the studs, ridding it once and for all of the deep, ethnic musk that is Figgins' hallmark. Now, in order to achieve that, I need the programs at this school to be successful. I need the teams at McKinley high to be winners. Wait, wait, y-you're not firing us? Not if you win a national championship, I'm not. However, if you fail to win at Nationals, I will fire you. You'll be forced to build creepy relationships with teenagers on your own time. And you, you'll have to go back to being a full-time spokesmodel for Billy Dee Williams' yellow hair helmets for women who couldn't possibly be less blonde. Congratulations. You're on my watch now, which means... You're winners. Okay, guys, week one of our Beatles fest has been epic. I think we've really unpacked what made the fab four such a instant sensation, but now I want to turn to their oft-ignored middle period. Mr. Shue, would you say that the early Beatles looked out for each other even when they didn't want to be looked out for? Oh, God, no. If I understand your question, Tina, yes, the early Beatles always had each other's backs. In that case, I'm sorry, Artie, but this is for your own good. Everyone, Kitty and Artie are dating, but Kitty's making Artie hide it because she's embarrassed by him, and I think that's emotional abuse. Artie is a great guy, and he deserves to be loved openly and proudly and without conditions. For once we agree. It's true. Arthur and I are dating. We are? Officially? And for the record... and not that it's anyone's business, especially not yours, Tina Cohen-agitator... I did want to keep it hush-hush. Because you were ashamed. Yes, memoirs of a lame geisha, because I occupy a certain place in the McKinley hierarchy, and you all occupy a different, lesser place in that hierarchy, and before exploding said hierarchy by jumping up and down on Oprah's couch, declaring my undying love for someone who is, let's face it, not my usual body type... I wanted to be sure. Of what? That I really, really liked him. And that I would be willing to risk not just my social standing but also getting hurt by letting him wheel into my heart. And even though I know he's getting ready to graduate, and we're probably just as doomed as every other sad, broken, backwards relationship that's ever started in this Jesus-and love-forsaken choir room... Kurt and I will have a happy ending. But I do like you, Artie. You make me laugh, and not just with those stupid YouTube fail videos you're always showing me. Look, asking you to keep our stuff private wasn't cool, and I'm sorry. It's okay, Kitty. But, um, as far as, like, updating my Facebook status... Yes, we are officially, publicly, shockingly a thing. You guys... Do any of you know why I call you in here? Uh, is it to get prepared in case the North Koreans invade through Mexico? I just saw red dawn, okay? It could happen. One of our own has turned into a mean, bitter, and angry person. Tina. Tina. That'd be Tina. She didn't used to be like this. She was a sweet girl who dated Artie until he dumped her because he found out she was faking her stutter. And then she dated Mike Chang until he dumped her because she wasn't Asian enough or something. Wait... is that really why he dumped her? Yeah. Look, the point is, is that it's time for us to step in. She's falling apart. I walked by the too young to be bitter club meeting this morning, and she was the only one in there. Those cakes are truly awesome. Dude, those things were moist and chocolaty at the same time. Totally, totally. Guys, this isn't about the cakes. I know how good they are. I've had them, too. This is about us trying to help Tina. Oh, of course, Blaine. You know, even though this is all clearly your fault, you know, whatever you think we should do, we're in. Ah, settling in nicely, then, are we? You know, I think you found your calling. Janitor Figgins, I think, has a quiet dignity to it. You're not gonna get away with this, Sue. Well, I believe I already have. And considering all the scandalous behavior that I recently uncovered, I would say you are lucky to have a job at all. You had better be nice to Donna. That woman is a Saint. And she's my rock. I'm afraid Donna isn't long for this world. As soon as she returns from her suspension, I plan on installing Becky as my secretary. And I will refer to her as my "beckretary." What is that? That? Well, that's just a five-gallon bucket of expired grade D meat slurry the poor kids at this school were forced to eat every taco Tuesday under the jackboot of that corrupt, decadent regime from which they were recently liberated by one Sue Rodham Sylvester. That's not your middle name. Oh, yes, it is. I had it legally changed this morning. Now, what would you like me to do with this canister of rancid horse offal? No, Sue, please! No! No! Sue Sylvester! You are a monster! What is happening and why did you make me wear this? I had to break out one of the grease costumes. Tina, I'm Paul. That's George, that's Ringo, and black John Lennon. Half black. We love you, and this is for you. One, two, three, four! ♪ Well, she was just 17 ♪ and you know what I mean ♪ and the way she looked ♪ was way beyond compare ♪ So how could I dance with another ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ when I saw her ♪ standing there? ♪ Well, my heart went boom ♪ when I crossed that room ♪ and I held her hand in mine... ♪ ♪ Whoa, we danced through the night ♪ ♪ and we held each other tight ♪ and before too long ♪ I fell in love with her ♪ Now I'll never dance with another ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ since I saw her standing there ♪ ♪ ow...! Come on, dance! Hey! ♪ Whoa, we danced through the night ♪ ♪ and we held each other tight ♪ and before too long ♪ I fell in love with her... ♪ Now I'll never dance with another ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ since I saw her ♪ standing there... ♪ oh, since I saw her ♪ standing there ♪ yeah, well, since I saw her ♪ standing there. That was awesome. But I don't understand what it was for. Well, we saw how lonely you've been lately. And since we're the only single guys left in glee club... And by single, we mean single prom dates... We just wanted to offer our services as dance partner or corsage buyer or just general arm candy for the big dance. Yeah, so you can pick one. And it's your choice. Obviously I'm excluded. Well, it's hard to pick. Ryder has arms and Blaine is my boo, but I think I'll go with Sam, because he's the least gay and least Asian of all of you and I'm looking to change my patterns. Seriously, though... Thank you, guys. I really needed this. Bring it in, Tina. Oh, I love you. I love you. Thank you, boo. Look, I, uh, know we usually take the highway to the airport, but somebody told me about this shortcut through the back roads. Dad, you can stop it. I know you're driving me to my surprise proposal. I should have known you knew. You're the kid who planned his own surprise party for his tenth birthday. That Justin Timberlake piñata was a perfect likeness. Well, I wouldn't know. You okay? You look like I'm driving you to your execution. I can't tell. I mean, I really love Blaine, and... He makes me feel so connected and safe and loved, and I don't think I'm ever gonna find someone else who's gonna make me feel like that. But we're both so young. Um... Your mom and I met when we were 22, and I asked her to marry me six months in. We were just kids. Yeah... It was really hard at first. You know, you go in with all these fantasies about what your life together is gonna be like: Nothing but laughing and dancing around in your underwear, cooking pasta, and sex. A lot of sex. It's hard being married, though. It's hard enough being in your 20s. Do you wish you'd waited? Not one second more. I wish I'd met her ten years earlier. I didn't know then that I was only going to get so much time with her, you know? That she was gonna leave us so soon. I'd take 50 more years of late-night fights about, you know, me working late or the gas bill or her letting the milk go bad for just... Ten more minutes with her next to me. We only get a few days when you come down to it, Kurt. You know that better than anyone. Look, totally being honest here... Blaine asked me what I thought about this, and I gave him my opinion. Which was? My opinion doesn't matter here. You're your own man now. But giving you a choice means you gotta make one. So relax. Hear what the guy has to say. I mean, all you gotta do is say yes, no, or maybe. Is there another option? ♪ Love, love, love ♪ love, love, love ♪ ♪ love, love, love ♪ there's nothing you can do that can't be done ♪ ♪ nothing you can sing that can't be sung ♪ ♪ nothing you can say ♪ but you can learn how to play the game ♪ ♪ it's easy ♪ nothing you can make that can't be made ♪ ♪ no one you can save that can't be saved ♪ ♪ nothing you can do ♪ but you can learn how to be you in time ♪ ♪ it's easy ♪ all you need is love ♪ all you need is love ♪ all you need is love, love ♪ love is all you need ♪ nothing you can know that isn't known ♪ ♪ nothing you can see that isn't shown ♪ ♪ there's nowhere you can be ♪ that isn't where you're meant to be ♪ ♪ it's easy ♪ all you need is love ♪ all you need is love ♪ all you need is love, love ♪ love is all you need ♪ all you need is love ♪ love ♪ ♪ all you need is love ♪ love ♪ ♪ all you need is love, love ♪ love is all you need ♪ love is all you need ♪ love is all you need ♪ ♪ love is all you need ♪ love is all you need ♪ love is all you need ♪ he loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ love is all you need ♪ ♪ he loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ love is all you need ♪ ♪ he loves you, yeah ♪ yeah, yeah. We met right here. I took this man's hand, and we ran down that hallway... And for those of you that know me, know I'm not in the habit of taking people's hands I've never met before, but... I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn't know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly and forever. Which is why it's never really felt like I've been getting to know you; it's always felt like I was remembering you from something. As if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived, we have chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime, because all I want to do, all-all I've ever wanted to do... Is spend my life loving you. So... Kurt Hummel... My amazing friend, my one true love will you marry me? Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Billy... Chambers? Billy Chambers is the mole? ! I assumed he went off the grid. If I had stabbed someone to death in cold blood with a pair of scissors and got away with it, I'd skip town and never be heard from again. - Huck? - Billy Chambers had to go. And you made me promise I wouldn't kill him... So I hired out. Oh! Hold the elevator! Aah! Wait! Please, wait! Whatever you're getting paid to do this, I'll double it! - I know. - Oh, wait. Stop! Stop! Please, stop! Think of me as an investment strategy! Okay, I was the Vice President's chief of staff. I have all her access codes. I know all her passwords, and I know where a hell of a lot of bodies are buried. So I was gonna retire a rich man based on all the secrets I have to sell, but there's no reason that I can't share. I mean, my access, your skill set... We'd make a great team. It's true what they say. If you want someone killed right, you've gotta kill them yourself. Somebody stitch that on a pillow. Give it to me. No, I hold the Cytron card. I hold it till we use it. It's mine. Tell me you're not gonna blow this for us, Rosen. I'm not gonna blow this. I'm not. Again, I don't see why we are here. We're here because we are moments... This administration is moments... We have to stop Billy Chambers from outing Defiance. From a full-scale nuclear meltdown. I am no longer a member of this administration. Let's say we get this show on the road. Not everyone's here yet. What the heck we waitin' for, old Verna to show? 'Cause the last time I checked, that little piggy was dead as a slab of bacon, - God rest her soul. - Rome can burn for all I care! Right, of course. You have your own lofty agenda now. I've been a team player ever since he ran for governor - Well, good luck mounting - I have held my tongue and done - your senatorial campaign... - believe you are headed off to... to manage whatever crisis after crisis... - Done! I am done! - From a federal prison. Because that is where all of us are going to be... I am looking out for one person now and one person only, - and that person is me! - If we don't... Where are you going? ! Sit... down... Mellie. Let's do this. We've all had our differences in the past, but tonight, we're put them aside. We do what we have to do to fix this. This Billy Chambers character has got to go... permanently. You mean... I mean, bang-bang, boo-hoo, bye-bye. Sir. Hollis, this is the White House. This man is the President. Talking about murder in the White House in front of the President is like talking about sex in the Vatican in front of the Pope. We do not do it. Well, la-di-da. If wouldn't be the President if I hadn't made him the President. I think I can talk about whatever I want. Do whatever you have to do, but leave me out of it. No more blood. This has gone far enough. Billy Chambers is not our problem. Defiance is our problem. It always has been. And the only way to prove that Defiance has happened is the Cytron card. We get the card, we neuter Billy, and we put this whole thing to bed once and for all. Liv's right. We get the card back. If you would just be willing to sit down and talk with him... He's going to run again, and he knows he needs you by his side when he does. I will not be humiliated anymore! He wants to come back. I promise you. He just doesn't know how to do it. He's a child, Mellie. We just have to show him the way. You okay? It's a lot, this whole Billy Chambers thing. And having to deal with Hollis... He's not so bad. Not really. - Liv? - We'll fix this Defiance thing, and you'll run again and you'll win. And I want that. I want that for you. It's just... I let myself believe the waiting was over. - And now... - The waiting? Four more years is going to be difficult. I'll be fine. It's just... It's going to be difficult. We're not waiting four more years to be together. We're gonna be together now. Livvie, I'm running. I'm winning. We're getting married, and you are moving into the White House with me. Fitz, okay, there's a million reasons why that's a nonstarter... Here we go. Are you seriously going to stand here and suggest that divorcing your wife and moving me into the White House in the midst of an election is not a tiny bit of a problem? - It's a problem. - Clearly. - So fix it. - Funny. You're a funny man. You should quit your job, go on the road. What are you always saying? That you're brilliant, that you're the best, better than my boys in the White House. So... do what you do best. Fix it. Handle it. I thought you didn't want me fixing you. I don't need fixing. I'm fine. I love you. The American public needs fixing. They love Mellie. They're the ones with the problem. So come up with a plan to solve it. You want me to come up with a plan. Olivia Pope... Use your superpower. Mmm. Stop. We can't. Someone will come in. Okay, Fitz. What are you doing? Using my superpower. It's time I meet with Ms. Pope. May I ask what for? I need to talk to her. You are not the best conversationalist. - Maybe it's the company I keep. - Just bring her in. I can't do that. And why is that? Can you at least tell me... I just wanna know your intentions. Bringing Ms. Pope in... it's a job. It's a task you are free to accept or decline. You refuse the job, I ask someone else, and I'll know where we stand. Now, James, you know the Grant family intimately. The President is your daughter's godfather. What's your take on the rumors that the first couple's seeing a pastor to repair their marriage? You're freezing me out. That's not true. Oh, really? Then how'd "The Post" find out that the President's seeking counsel from pastor Jennings? - I don't know. - Is it true? I don't know. Why don't you ask "The Post"? They seem to be all sourced up. They're all sourced up because you are their source. And I don't have sources because you're freezing me out! So in the next 20 minutes, when every other reporter in this building goes live with the news that Sally Langston has formed an exploratory committee to run against the President in next year's republican primary, I would like to have a comment from the oval! Your job has only two requirements, Sally. One is to not die. The other is to be loyal to the President. That's it! Don't die! Be loyal! The only other creature in this White House who has the same sweet deal is the President's dog! Hank! Hank can do those two simple things! Why can't you? ! I have a constituency, people that I answer to. People who almost made me the standard bearer of this party three years ago. Almost, Sally. Almost! And when they see the goings-on in this White House, its lack of discipline, its lack of... beliefs. Oh, we're singing that song again, are we? Morality isn't a minor inconvenience, Cyrus. It's not something that you can scrape off the bottom of your shoe and then continue on your merry way. Commandments of the lord are being broken. So at this point, with this President, I would be irresponsible if I didn't offer the party an alternative. Billy Chambers has the Cytron card. We need it back. So we need to figure out what his game is, how he's going to use it. Billy's got no credibility in D.C. After the vice President disavowed him. So if he wants to out Defiance, he knows he can't do it by himself. He needs someone else to do it for him. The question is, who? Billy needs someone respectable, someone with clout, someone who has the public's trust who was directly affected by Defiance. Ms. Pope. Governor. Thank you for seeing me. Please. I think Billy's going to use Reston to out Defiance. I think they're already working together. - But we don't have any proof. All we have is... - My gut. - I'm sure. - How can you be sure? Abby, you should've seen him. I'm sure. I was just wondering if you were planning to run again. I'm not running. Believe me, I think I've gotten the bug out of my system after the last election. What if you're wrong? I'm not. I know this. But we knew that Grayden Osborne was the mole, and we were wrong. We knew that Molly was a victim, and we were wrong. You could be wrong here. I'm not. - Make sure you... - I did. - Don't forget... - All right there. I got this. - I wouldn't go that way. - I got this. - Quinn... - Boom! There it is. - There what is? - I hacked into the security cameras on the street, outside governor Reston's mansion. If Billy Chambers went to see him there, we'll know. It's downloading now. We should have it in under two minutes. I need coffee. Boom. She's getting good at this. You're a good teacher. Sometimes, uh, sometimes she reminds me of me. Are you saying... - Has she hurt anyone? - No. Then what are you saying? I'm saying I worry about her. Like I worry about you. Don't worry about me. I worry about you, with him. He wants me by his side in the White House. He wants to get a divorce. I'm gonna be first lady. I wrote a plan. I was up all night. I handled it. I worry about me, too. Okay, security cameras are up. There. We got him. Billy Chambers at the governor's mansion, two hours ago. They're on to you. Always pleased to appear when summoned, but may I remind you that, unlike you, I serve the king? Which makes me a busy, busy man. - And today, I am busier than busy, so... - I'm sure you are. I wish I could be more sympathetic, Cyrus. But you have a tendency to make things harder for yourself than they need to be. The sex tape? It can make all of our problems go away. But you still refuse. Why? I'm still unclear why any of this matters to B613. You know how people say, "I could tell you but then I would have to kill you" at parties, and then everyone laughs? I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you. We're not at a party, and I am not laughing. These are two people in love. These are my friends. Cyrus, I'm handling Olivia Pope. You do your part. What does that mean? Worry about your boss. I'll take care of the rest. What do you mean a... About Olivia Pope? Drop the bomb already, Cy. What? - It's Reston. - What's Reston? Billy Chambers. He's working with Reston. That's his way of exposing Defiance. I don't know what their plans are yet. Reston? Are you... Reston? ! He's in the oval. They're meeting in the oval office right now. Governor Reston. Thanks for coming in. You know, I've been riding your senators for months trying to get 'em on board with my education bill, so... This isn't about education. It's about Defiance. You need to get in there. You need to stop this! Oh, my God. Someone call 9-1-1! Take his shirt off. That's fine. I really don't know what you're talking about. - Put me on your ticket. - Excuse me? Put me on your ticket, and this all goes away. All what goes away? The proof I have that you rigged a national election. I think you better leave. And go where, to the feds? Draw me a map. I'll walk. Put "The Post" on there. Hell, put all the newspapers on there. No sense being stingy, not when we're talking about the biggest case of voter fraud in the history of American politics. You clearly think you've figured something out, governor. I don't think anything, Mr. President. I know. I know what you did, and I know your way out now is to bring me on board. We'll call it the unity ticket... Two old rivals coming together to make America right. You'll have to fire Langston, of course, but let's be honest. Rumor is, is that Bible thumper's been making a play to jump ship anyway. I'll show myself out. 9 A.M. tomorrow, Mr. President. That's when this offer expires. Reston. What did he say? Mr. President, I have Mr. Beene on the phone. Okay. Cyrus. Okay, what did Reston say? What did he say to you? What did you tell him? Mr. Beene, at least let me take your blood pressure. It's bad! Very bad! How's that? What did he say? He wants a deal. He won't expose Defiance if we run together on a unity ticket. Putting Sally Langston out to pasture in the process. - That might not be the worst... - No. Reston hates you. It is deep and it is personal. So he's either planning on using Defiance to impeach you once he's the Vice President, or more likely, he hopes to record you saying - sometimes incriminating, which you... - Didn't, of course. Oh, thank God. Thank God. Get... get your hands off of me! Off! - Off! - Cyrus, where are you? It... it's nothing. - He's hypertensive. - Are you in an ambulance? I'm fine! These idiots are telling me I had a heart attack. Cyrus! Ow! Shoot him. I said, shoot him! Give me your gun. I'll shoot him myself! You bastard. Don't you die on me when I'm so mad at you. Don't you dare die. Come here. Come here. I don't forgive you. I don't forgive you either. Please don't die. I'll do my best. Is it true the President's seeking spiritual guidance about his marriage? Yes, it's true. I love you. It's still about the card. It's what makes this case. Whoever's got it calls the shots. Okay, I'm Billy Chambers. I don't give up the card so easily. It's my only play. I'd make sure I'd get everything I wanted before I handed it over. - I'd negotiate. - Yeah, negotiations take time. And as long as Billy is negotiating... Reston doesn't have the card. Billy does. Look, Rosen, I get that you have your whole "what I've done for this memory card" thing. I do. But I can't hold out any longer. Reston couldn't get Grant to confess on tape, so let's be a big boy. You want this as bad as I do. It's time. Cough it up. I can't. Not yet. I will. I just... They're my friends. And I'm not. Right? Your friend? Is that it? I'm the bad guy? Well, you did kill some people. Okay. I've got some blood on my hands. But I had good reasons. I had to get rid of the CIA guy. It was the only way to get the heat off me. And that Wendy girl... which I know I framed you for... she screwed things up, so she had to die. Same with Molly. I didn't have a choice, okay? I was boxed into a corner. I was forced to do all of it by your so-called friends. And, yes, I'll burn in hell for what I did. I will. I know that. But you? You don't have to end up like me. You could get some justice for those thousands of Ohio voters who lost their fundamental right of one man, one vote... For Samuel Reston, who won that damn presidency fair and square. And for you... you lost your job, your reputation, and your sense of right and wrong when you fell in with these people. And let's be honest. Olivia Pope and her team of thugs? They are not anyone's friends. They destroyed your life! She destroyed your life. And, yeah, yeah, she'll end up fixing it for you. She'll break out the krazy glue, but only because she's the one who broke it in the first place! She took your life from you! She took justice from you! Remember? Well, she did the same thing to me, and look what I've become! I was the Vice President's chief of staff, and now I'm a freakin' murderer. So come on, Rosen. Wake up. Smell the justice. You're right. You're damn right. You want me to put Reston on the ticket? No, I want you to pretend to. We've all been assuming that Reston has the memory card. But what if he doesn't? What if Billy Chambers is holding on to the card himself? Do you know where he's hiding? No, but if we can force Reston to reach out to him... - By taking the deal. - By taking the deal, but demanding to see the card first. If I'm right and Reston doesn't have it... He'll call Chambers and ask for it. And we'll trace his call and track Chambers down. President Grant's very interested in this idea of a unity ticket. A chance to end the era of petty bipartisan bickering and start fresh. The President's also quite concerned with these suggestions of voter irregularities in Ohio? That's right. Good memory. Any alleged proof of such activities would need verification before any further steps toward a unity ticket could be taken, of course. What kind of proof do you want? Whatever... proof there might be. I'll see what I can do about that. It's done. I'm into Reston's cell phone. Now we just wait and see if he calls Billy for the card. What I can confirm is the President is talking to his pastor. He is seeking counsel. He is praying for guidance, which is a good sign, and his approval numbers are on the rise as a result, while the first lady's are trending down, with more people now questioning her trustworthiness after her decision to air her dirty laundry on live TV. Ohh... Cyrus. Ohh... Thank God you're all right. - Thank you. - What are you doing here, Mellie? Officially? I've come to visit Cyrus in his hour of need. Now, I know you don't want cameras in the room, Cy, but they got me coming in, so I was thinking, when Fitz and I go down in the elevator together, maybe we can let a little press into the lobby... I'm not leaving here with you. Our approval ratings are up, Fitz. If you plan to run and win, we need to capitalize on the public's support. Mellie, this phase of our lives, capitalizing on public support as a definition of marriage, is over. Make no mistake... You are going to leave the White House. You'll want your own political career. And I will back you and campaign for you and never speak of my ex-wife Mellie Grant in anything but the most glowing of terms. And then, about a year into my second term, I will go one or two high-profile dates with well-educated, age-appropriate career women, which will be chronicled in immaculate detail by tabloids around the globe. And when word leaks six months later that I've been spending time with one of my oldest, dearest, most trusted advisors, who selflessly acted as the mouthpiece of my administration when I was lying half-dead on a hospital bed, who has always stood beside me as my friend and colleague... When it gets out that she and I have started, after all this time, to care for one another in a way that is no longer strictly professional, America will love her. And let's be honest. My relationship with Olivia is going to spark a real dialogue about race in this country, and it is going to blow the republican party wide open and let some light and air into places that haven't seen change in far too long. So the party will love her. And you want to be on the right side of history here. Trust me, you do. Now... if you don't want to play along, if you leak Olivia's name, if you refuse to go gently, well, it only takes a few whispers of the word "racist" before the feminist groups and the religious groups and even the republican national committee turn up their noses at your stink. But I don't want to do that, Mellie. I want to help you join me as a living, breathing monument to redemption and second chances and the America we all hope still exists. I take it Liv came up with that? She did. It's good. Reston's calling an aide, telling him to order pizza. Sausage, deep dish, large. - 20,736. - What? That's how many possible combinations there are to this safe. It would take days to go through them all. Charlie cracked it in minutes with a gun to David's head. - Doesn't add up. - Ugh. Super spy. Look at Huck. Reston just called Billy. - He's asking for the card. - We were right. Billy still has it. His signal's coming from a cell tower in Virginia. - Looks like Rosslyn. - This is it. - We got him? - We got him. Super spy. Stress. It's a killer. Wh... What do you want with Olivia Pope? Rowan? How's he looking? Pale, fragile. Did you tell him my plan? He heard it. It's a brilliant plan, Liv. He'll get on board. I'll make him get on board. What? He wants you and Mellie back together if you're going to run again. He planted the stories about you seeing the pastor, didn't he? You're worried about him. You love him. You don't want him to die. I feel the same way, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still Cyrus. Put your hand too close to the cage, and he will bite it off. Do you want to come here to sleep? I wish I could, but the agents I trust aren't on tonight. What will you do instead? I have a very exciting life, mister. I don't need you. Bye. Bye. Shh! Shh, shh, shh! I checked the whole place. I can't find the card. It was worth a shot. When do you think he'll be back? I don't know. This part is quiet. We're quiet here. Sit down, okay? - Okay. - Wait, his cell signal put him at the Chinese place down the street. That's probably takeout, right? So he's gonna be back any minute. - Which is why we're quiet. - Sit down. Then again, maybe it's not takeout. - Maybe he likes... - Sit... down. I got it. I'm good. Liv, what are you... - Is she... - She's okay. She'll be okay. What was that? Drink. - What was that, Jake? - I need a minute. I need a minute. Okay. Listen. Do not leave your office tonight. You need to stay here with your people. - You'll be safe here... I think. - You're leaving? - You'll be safer when I'm gone. - Jake! Why is someone trying to kill me? I don't know exactly why or the details. I just follow orders. But I do know that as long as you're in a relationship with the President of the United States, you're in danger. There's a branch of the CIA called B613. B6... You're B613. Hey. Stay here tonight. The woman I shot at your place was a B613 agent, which means by morning they'll have collected her body. Fix your door, hire security, or break up with your boyfriend. - Wait. - I have to go. They're going to try to kill you now - because you saved me. - No, because I disobeyed orders. Maybe I c... I could help you get out. In my world, there are no outs. Wait. Just wait! You can't just... You saved my life twice now. I was... I was wrong. I was wrong about you. You're one of the good guys. No, I'm not. I just followed my orders. Sleeping with you was my mission. So don't bother missing me. Close your eyes. Close... Your... Eyes. Be safe. Good-bye, Olivia. What's going on, Liv? This just got real. You're all right. Cyrus. What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the hospital? Cyrus... I called. You didn't answer. So I sent a secret service agent over to your house. He saw your door was broken. I was worried. Someone tried to kill me tonight. Liv... You ever hear of B613, Cy? There are things I'm not at liberty to discuss or acknowledge on the basis of national security. You know what? Don't say anything. It doesn't matter anyway. I know who it was, and I know why, and I don't care. Fitz and I are going to be together. I'm sorry. What? I'm going to be with him, Cyrus. We have a plan. It's going to work. I love him. Let me get this straight. Mm... Highly trained black ops assassins broke into your home and tried to kill you. And instead of that, oh, making you run toward reason, instead of the possibility of death making you decide that maybe it's better to be single, you have decided that the killers were merely firing heart-shaped bullets... Made of bubbles and candy that signified that you and boyfriend fitzy are M.F.E.O., made for each other? Cyrus, you're being dramatic. Really? ! Really? I'm being dramatic? I'm being... dramatic? I've moved heaven and earth to save you from yourselves. I have lied for you, I have stolen for you, I have cheated for you, I have killed for you, I have almost died for you, and you... You two are so stupid and romantic and high on your own doomed-love, Romeo-and-Juliet, "dear diary" nonsense that you won't even save your own lives, but I am being dramatic? ! Romeo and Juliet were teenagers, and they died! - I've had enough! - Cyrus... He killed Verna Thornton, Liv! Killed her! Dead! With his own two hands! What? Oh, you didn't know? You were too "I love him and he loves me - and our love..." - No! "Conquers every obstacle in our paths..." To find that part out? Whoever told you that... He did! He told me that! The love of your life is a red-handed, cold-blooded killer. That is what you're dealing with! That... Is who you love. This is not a romance novel. Life is not a romance novel. Hi, Billy. We need to talk about the Cytron card, okay? What the hell are you doing here, Cy? You're supposed to be in the hospital. They just let you go? You yell at enough doctors, they'll sign anything. May I? What is that? Reality tv. Huck. I can't do it. I thought I could, but I can't. It's okay. It's okay, Huck. You don't have to. Oh, but she needs the card. Olivia needs the card. It's okay. You don't have to do it. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. Where's the damn Cytron card, Billy? ! I'm not gonna ask you twice. Abby, I got it. 864, 864. It's 864. Huck installed an emulator program. Turns his laptop into a facsimile of a voting machine. Did you do it right? Huck wrote out all the keystrokes for me. It was idiot-proof. There's nothing on this. It's fake. This card is fake. That's the card he gave me! I swear to God, that's the card David Rosen gave me. It's David. David played us. I didn't know where else to put him. He's safest here. Oh, come on. Good night, David. Enjoy the couch. Always. David Rosen, I just read that grand jury transcript. Man, did you get screwed. Turn it off. - There's more. - I don't care. Turn it off. It goes from room to room and back again... I don't think you wanna do this. I'm an old man. I did just have a heart attack. Plus...as far as I can tell, I'm the only grown-up in the room. Mr. President, David Rosen has our world spinnin' on his itty-bitty thumb again. Boy's been a tick on our ass for over a year now, and it's about time the son of a bitch was handled for once and for all. What in the pouty hell is with you people tonight? This boy has the only remaining proof of our deeds in Defiance. He's probably marching his pale ass into the justice department this very second. No. He's in my office... Right now. What can I do for you? It's what I... can do for you. Oh, and I'm going to need something in return. I can't. Not yet. I will. I just... They're my friends. And I'm not. Right? Your friend? Is that it? I'm the bad guy. And did you see his face when I was all... "Where's the Cytron card?" I didn't hesitate. I didn't even blink. I just... I just bam! Right in his thigh. And watching him beg and scream... It was such a rush. I've never been on drugs, but I feel like I'm on something. I should be tired. Are you tired? I am, like, fully awake right now. Huck? Okay, I've got some blood on my hands, but I had good reasons. I had to get rid of the CIA guy. It was the only way to get the heat off me. And that Wendy girl, which I know, I framed you for... She screwed things up, so she had to die. Same with Molly. It's not often that I have the honor of standing next to a true American hero. This one man, David Rosen, has succeeded where our justice and intelligence departments have failed. David Rosen found the mole... the mole responsible for the death of CIA director Osborne. The mole responsible for selling our secrets and endangering the lives of our CIA operatives in the field. The mole who previously, as a chief of staff for the Vice President, bitterly attempted and failed to disgrace this administration into ruin. Thanks to Mr. Rosen, that man is now in custody and will answer for his treasonous crimes. It is with great pride that I announce that David will be the new U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, where I expect he will continue to fight for justice. David. Thank you. Olivia Pope and her team of thugs... They are not anyone's friends. They destroyed your life, Rosen. She destroyed your life, and, yeah, yeah, she'll end up fixing it for you. She'll break out the krazy glue, but only because she's the one who broke it in the first place! You and Jake. Cyrus told you? Yes. I thought so. He told me about Verna. Mm. I was going to tell you that I don't care about Jake, that... I forgive you, that... that we could start over, start fresh. No big deal. I'm guessing you don't feel the same way about murder. I wish that I could say that I didn't mean to do it, or that I was out of my mind or that it was an accident. I wish I could say anything. Liv? The things we've done to get you here... We went too far. Olivia, I'm sorry. If you'll give me another chance... whatever happened in the past, let it go. Let your father go. Let Verna go. Defiance is dead. The reset button has been hit. The genie is back in the bottle. You are clean. You can start over. Start fresh. Run clean. Run with Mellie at your side. No. No, that is not the plan. We went too far. My people... Huck and Abby and Harrison and Quinn... I took them too far, over the wrong cliff. We went so far that I don't know that we can get back, but you can get back. Run with Mellie by your side. You can win with Mellie by your side. I want you by my side. We can do this together. You are going to be my First Lady. I can't leave them. They need me. I'm their gladiator. ♪ Alissa! Where the hell is my coffee? ♪ Is it true you are having an affair... Are you the President's mistress? How long have you been sleeping with the President? ! Hello, Olivia. Dad? I'm thirsty. Jacob... Jacob, you should sit down. You're still in shock. I just killed someone. He would've killed you. And me and your brother. You didn't have a choice. I took a life. You didn't have a choice. Give me your phone. Why? Call the police. Jake, you sure that's a good idea? That's what you do when you kill someone. Screw that! They could put you away for that. It was self defense. You bashed the guy's head in. Like, a lot. Police. Open up. What the shit? How'd they get here so fast? Quiet. Jake. Jake, wait. Wait. Jake. Fuck. What are we gonna do? Fire escape. We can go out the fire escape. Then what? I don't know. Jake, you can't go to jail. I won't. I can't end up in foster care. Okay, okay. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be all right. I'm not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. You just gotta trust me. Last warning! Listen... He broke into our home. He put a gun to my brother's head. Are you even listening? In case you need to reach me. Is that it? Did that just happen? Those were real police, right? Those were real EMTs. I work with those guys. Are they a part of this? Is everyone a part of this? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just dizzy. You're gonna need another shot. Remember that convertible we had? The one we took to Yosemite. Top wouldn't go up. Driving through the park at night. Freezing our asses off. We drove through the entire park. Yeah, we had to go through the entire thing. God, that ranger getting us lost in there. If I find that guy, I can kill him. I can't stop thinking about his face. I know. It's just... I know. Almost done. Look at me. Okay. One more shot tomorrow, and you should be good to go. You know, maybe you should just leave it here. You know, you should get out of here. Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? Do you? I really don't want to be alone right now. Top dresser drawer. Take whatever fits. You can shower first if you want. No, go ahead. I have to... I have to call work. Okay. I can do that. I'll text you after. Sorry. Be right back. What's going on? We're here, honey. You okay? Yeah. We're home. Raj said the guy had a generator, so... Hey, this'll work, right? Yeah. Who is he? It's okay now. Doesn't look okay. He won't come near me. He won't have to. You'll go back. My mom tried to leave, like, a dozen times. I was... I was a teenager. King was like 5, 6. My folks would argue. My dad would have his drinks. And they'd start in. I always knew when it was coming. I mean, they'd always argue, but when he got that way... I always knew what was coming. So I'd grab King... I'd take him into the garage. We had this, uh... This old PlayStation. Just turn the volume up real loud so he wouldn't hear what was going on. You know what's funny? We'd be out in the garage just beating the shit out of people on TV. Bruises would heal, and she would come back. She always came back. King? You okay? Mm-hm. You sure? We can talk about this if you want. I'm fine. Swear to God. What's this? Avery's, aren't they? No, Avery drives a Ford. Be right back. You know... if you sell this car, halfway to your surgery. Who knows what they'll give me after this box? How do you know you're going to get anything? I don't. Just open it. 2x09 - All's Flair in Love and War [ Humming ] [ Sizzling ] Oh my god, we are so late. I was so tired last night, I think I accidentally set the baby and changed the alarm. [ Chuckles ] Things at the bar are insane. I have to be there in 20 minutes. The event manager quit and... - Wait. Tucker. - Hmm? - Are you making an omelet? - Yes, I am. One or two? Two. Okay... Tucker, do we have company? - We most certainly do. Okay. - Dude, that's awesome. - Congratulations. - Thanks, man. It just kinda happened. Wow. You have not had a sleepover since you dumped that crazy-ass shrew Vanessa. Ben, don't talk about her like that, okay? - She was not that bad. - Really? Really? Man-Eater? Joy crusher? Monster of Manhattan? Wicked witch of the West side? Seriously, Tucker, we ran out of nicknames for her. She's here, isn't she? Yes. Yes, she is. [ Chuckles ] - Good morning. - Hey, babe. - How'd you sleep? - I'll let you know after I get some sleep. Mmm! [ Both chuckle ] Oh, you guys remember Vanessa, don't you? [ Babbles ] We sure do. [ Theme music playing ] ♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪ ♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪ - What is she doing here? - Ben, Vanessa has changed. Tucker, may I remind you she stole both your mo and your jo. - How did this even happen? - Well, it's complicated. I missed her. She missed me. Okay, it's really not that complicated. Look, look, please, I am begging you, Ben. - Just try to get along with her. - Fine, but remember... if you ever wake up with two puncture wounds in your neck, we keep the wooden stakes in the junk drawer. Congratulations, Wheeler. One goal, three assists, four broken teeth and only one of them was yours. - Great game. - Great game, honey. Oh, hey, dimples. You're the new goalie, right? Little advice... keep your head up and your chest out. Thanks. Are you a coach? No, former runner-up miss teen New Jersey. Keep it real, dimples. Wow. I don't know if those are pads or not, but either way, thank you. - Hey, Wheeler, good game. - You too. Umm, who is that? That's Gerard. Two-time M.V.P. and current centerfold for the N.H.L. calendar. I was this close! Well, he is very... thought-provoking. You want me to try to set you guys up? No. No, you know that I hate set-ups. - But I could probably just... - No. - If I talk to him maybe... - Dan, do not. - I think that he would... - Stop talking. Danny, promise me you will not try to set me up with him. Okay, I promise. Hey, Wheeler, that girl you were talking to... You want me to set you up? She's totally into you. I don't have to show her my calendar? 'Cause I have some signed ones in my locker. I think you're good. [ Chuckles ] And it's Wheeler with the assist. [ Elevator dings ] [ Door opens ] - Hey, Ben. - Hey. How's the most understanding guy in the world? In a rush. I've only got an hour before my next shift and lucky me, I've got a hot date with the cutest girl in town. Where's Emma? Oh, I talked Riley into watching her. I was hoping you and I could have a little conversation about vanessa. Wait, what happened? She's not moving in, is she? No. [ Chuckles ] Dude, it's only been two days. I am not crazy. Check back next week. What's this? Vanessa's resume? That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. What's going on? You know how you guys met at o'Hooligans bartending and then she went back to school to study restaurant management? Uh-huh. And how there's that open event manager position at your bar? Please don't tell me she got that job. Don't be ridiculous! What? That's stupid. She has an interview in a half hour. Remember, she doesn't like formal set-ups, so when you see her, just be cool. Stick to the basics like, "hey, what a coincidence," Or "fancy meeting you here," or "come here often?" Then compliment her smile or something. I find the mouth to be a very compliment-neutral zone. Got it. She'll never know. But I can't believe you haven't asked her out yet. I mean she's... really something. Uh... it's complicated. But she really is the smartest, sweetest, prettiest... what the hell? [ Mutters ] I'll be right back. What is going on? Why do you look like that? Oh, well, today we learned that a picnic with Emma is no picnic. What's the emergency? Oh my god, is that Gerard? Danny, I explicitly asked you not to set me up with him. - You promised. - Okay. I'll tell him you're not interested. But he wouldn't stop talking about you. - Really? - Uh-huh. Well, then it would be rude not to say "hi" now that I'm here then, right? [ Fusses ] Oh my god, he can't see me like this. I'll clean up Emma and you do whatever it is you do to not look like... whatever that is. Oh, and I called my mom. She's gonna come and get Emma just in case you and Gerard hit it off. Why wouldn't we hit it off? He's gorgeous and he's in love with me. Two of my favorite qualities in a man. You're the best, Danny. Well, holey moley, it's the goalie. [ Chuckles ] Hey, I'm looking for a Wheeler... king-sized or a mini, either will do. Hey, what a coincidence. Fancy meeting you here. [ Chuckles ] You come here often? You have beautiful teeth. [ Chuckles ] As do you. And what's surrounding them ain't too shabby either. [ Chuckles ] I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime. Oh... Gerard. Oh. I was afraid this was gonna happen. You know, I just can't. I don't think Danny would like me dating one of his teammates. Maybe a hot, secret affair. No no, Bonnie! No, I'm sorry. - I can't. - What if I told you that this was Danny's idea in the first place? That he was the one who suggested this rendezvous? Really? Danny used the word "rendezvous"? Here. Here's my number. Danny and I are flying to Montreal this afternoon for an away game. Maybe you can call me after I get back. [ Beeps ] [ Chuckling ] [ Camera phone clicks ] So you don't forget. Well, if I forget, it's because I'm in a box and they're throwing dirt on me. Okay. Okay, what do you think? I think if you can do that in two minutes, why does it always take you guys two hours? Oh, there you are. - And here I go. - Hi, Mrs. Wheeler. Hey, mom, thanks for coming down. Mm-Hmm. "Baby emergency"? I know what you're really up to with this whole rendezvous. I... don't what that means. Here, I cleaned her up for you. Oh. Well, after you look up "rendezvous," you might wanna look up "clean." [ Chuckles ] Come on, Emma. I'm gonna show you a great picture on my phone. Oh, I'm done. You can take it. Uh, Gerard, right? Danny's friend? - We met the other night. - Oh, yeah yeah. I don't know where Danny ran off to, but would you like to have a seat? Sure. I would love to. Well, I have a plane to catch. If you see him... there he is. Never mind. Thanks anyway. Perfect. Thank you. So? Huh? How'd it go? Well, she played a little hard to get at first, but then I won her over in the end. Hey, have you seen Vanessa? No. [ Door closes ] Hey, Vanessa, you and I have got to talk before it's too late. Before what's too late? You getting the job and destroying my life. Then it's too late. Dude, stop complaining. I think it's a great uniform. Though I do have the overwhelming urge to call you jeeves and have you go fetch me something. How can you not see that Vanessa is ruining my life? My hours are nuts, and I have to work some stupid party. Oh my god. She's making you do your job and you're making more money! She's a monster! Ben, we are not gonna keep having this conversation. Vanessa is amazing. The only problem with me and Vanessa this time is you. So you admit you're having problems. Fine. I will try to get along with her. Thank you. [ Sighs ] That'll be all, jeeves. [ Sighs ] So, boss lady, I think you and I need to figure out a way to get along. Hopefully we won't have to worry about that much longer. Any chance the reason involves the words "terminal" or "deported"? I got this job by promising them I could launch the new party space, and they've empowered me to make any changes necessary, so obviously I'll be evaluating everyone's performance. Are you threatening me? Well, if you have to ask, then I didn't do it right. Just make sure you're there by 6:00. I just sent everyone an email with the info. [ Fusses ] [ Beeps ] [ Door closes ] Oh, here it is. Apparently hell has good wifi. [ Chuckles ] What's this? She put down the wrong date. Do we tell her half the staff won't show up? Well, if you're not gonna say anything, neither will I. [ Chuckles ] I know you keep saying that Gerard is interested, but I just don't see it. Well, according to him, you're the one playing hard to get. Danny, seriously? Have you ever known me to play hard to get? Good point. But the whole reason he's going to the party tonight is because he wants to see you, and that says "interested" to me... - as does that dress. - Do you think he'll like it? Trust me, he's a dude, and we all like the same thing... a minimal amount of fabric with straps we can figure out in the dark. Well, just a sec. Let me check my hair. Okay, sitter's here. Bring on the beer, pizza rolls and the password for your pay-per-view. Oh, and the baby. - Hey, mom. - I didn't think y'all were coming back until tomorrow. Oh, Gerard and I caught an earlier flight because Ben invited us to the big party. You should come, get a sitter. You never know who you'll meet. I kinda think you just told me, and his name rhymes with "mirard." - Yes. - All right. Ta-Da! Oh, hey, Mrs. Wheeler. Oh, hey, Riley. You look like you're ready to stay in and do laundry tonight. - Wanna watch Emma for me? - Ooh, sorry. - It seems I got myself a date tonight. - Well, that makes two of us. - Well, those are two lucky guys. - Oh yeah. [ Rock music playing ] [ Chattering ] Okay, gin and tonic coming right up. - [ Chuckles ] Gin and tonic. - Here you go. You know, when Vanessa said, "Tucker, help out behind the bar," I think she meant, "Tucker, help out behind the bar." I'm trying. Half of the staff didn't show up. - This looks horrible for her. - Yeah, I know. Let's just hope she's not being evaluated. Hey, Wheeler, is she here yet? Yeah, I'll find her. Just go wait over there. - Hi, mom. - Hey, honey. Okay, people, this party is two seconds from hitting an iceberg and I can't afford to have one more thing go wrong. Baby, will you please bus some tables? I'll help Ben. I'm on it. Time to bus-a-move. Hey, I don't need any help. You're forgetting... I'm one of the best bartenders in New York. And you're forgetting who taught you. Oh... Oh, hey, look who I found. You two know each other, right? Definitely. Oh, I should probably... just gonna walk away. [ Chuckles ] - Beautiful dress. - Thank you. Please... notice the straps. You know, to be honest, I was really starting to think you didn't like me. And it turns out I was right, so... Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you. Well, I guess "good-looking" doesn't mean "good looker." [ Chuckles ] Well, I like a woman who plays hard to get. Let's not go overboard. It's probably not gonna take a whole lot to kick this baby out of neutral. You look like you could use some champagne. Don't go anywhere. [ Chuckles ] Walk slow. Hey, man. So how's it going? Amazing. Thanks again. - Hey, mom. - Oh, hey, honey. Hey. So I hear things are going great. The only thing great about this night is that I left the tags on this dress. I'm telling you... he doesn't like me. Okay, that's not... Stay here. It's a total shame about that email. I should've fired you the second I got this job. Too bad after tonight you're never gonna get that chance. Oh, I'm not going anywhere. You are. But don't worry. I'll be sure to give you a great recommendation. Okay, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, - but it isn't working. - What do you mean it's not working? - You've seen my calendar. - Dude, I'm just telling you you need to be a little more aggressive. Aggressive, I can do that. Hey, boys. So what's a lady got to do to get a glass of champagne around here? Bonnie. - Mom! - Bonnie: Gerard. - Mom? - Oh, I've got it. Whoa! - Danny: I got it! - Vanessa: Watch out! [ People screaming ] This isn't going on my evaluation, is it? [ Sighs ] Okay, I know you're mad and you may not be speaking to me right now, but I've thought about this long and hard. And I want you to know it wasn't my fault. I know. Oh. Okay, then. I guess I'll skip ahead to the part of my speech where I'm irate that your girlfriend got me fired. No need. She promised me that you wouldn't lose your job. Well, then I guess I'll skip all the way to the end where I promise to get along with her. [ Clinks ] Ben, that's not necessary, man. I broke up with her. [ Laughing ] Dude, I... I know that I'm smiling right now, but on the inside... I'm smiling, too. Look, Tucker, man, I'm sorry. But I guess she didn't change after all. Oh, she changed with me. I mean, she was loving and sweet, even let me dress myself. There was one thing that she couldn't change, and that's how much she hated you. And I can't be in a relationship with someone who hates my best friend. So you broke up with her because of me? Yeah. I guess I did. [ Chuckles ] Hey, Wheeler, I'm looking for Gerard. Now? Are you sure? 'Cause I've been thinking a lot about this and I don't think he's good enough for you. Who cares? I just wanna show him what he's losing out on. He is going to regret ignoring me. Oh. Hey, you. Remember me? Hey, Danny. Oh, sorry, Riley, I didn't bring any singles. Gerard, phone broken? [ Sighs ] Sorry, Bonnie, I didn't call you back. I'm just a little freaked out about dating somebody's mom. I'm sorry. You two are dating? Well, I thought we were. Danny set us up. - No, he didn't. - Danny set us up. - No, he didn't. - Okay, wait. All right, so you really don't want to date me now that you know I'm a mom? No, I didn't say that. I just need to wrap my head around it. Yeah, well, wrap your head around this... Buh-Bye. You know what, Riley? He's all yours. I don't want him. Why wouldn't you want to date her? She's beautiful and hilarious. - I didn't say that. - Yeah, and why wouldn't you want to go with her? She is gorgeous and half-naked. - I didn't know it was an option. - It's not. You know what? I don't even know why I'm standing here. - Neither do I. Lunch? - Sounds good. Great. So can we go straight to lunch or do you need to call your pimp and check in? - Tucker: Where are we going? - Ben: Stop talking. Keep walking. [ Exasperated sigh ] [ Clicks ] [ Chuckles ] Ben... Now I know I said that you were my best friend, but this is just taking the bromance thing a little too far. Dude, I'm not your date. - Hey, Tucker. - She is. Vanessa. What are you doing here? - Actually, it was Ben's idea. - A table for two? I think we might have one available. [ Chuckles ] Dude, this is awesome, but... if nothing's really gonna change then... That's just it. We talked and it will. Even though we might be disgusted by the sight... - Knowledge... - existence of each other, we both want you to be happy. And if that means me and Vanessa getting along, then Vanessa and I are gonna get along. - Have a wonderful dinner. - Hang on, Ben. Thanks so much for doing this. It means a lot. I'm glad. So maybe we can bury the hatchet? Oh, I know I will. - Hello, Gerard. - Hi, Bonnie. I'm glad you called. Thanks for giving me another shot. Well when you texted and said you will do anything ... {*corr to end} for a second chance, I though "why not"? Well. What would you like me to do first? Mhm. Well I put Emma done about a half an hour ago. Here is diaper bag, the baby monitor, and this schedule and... list of emergency context. I should be back around ten. Whoa, whoa, wait! You want me to babysit? Ohh, I am sorry... was there some sort of misunderstanding? Bye-bye. Here it is: Hub Battle Land. They show pain and horror. You will have an assistant. You will manage the facility. -Won't you have some? -A little water only. -Dad... -That was not the intention. Do you have children? -No, but I love kids. -I'll call you. There are perhaps only two of us left. Do not forget who you are: a child of David. Humans are controlled by their emotions. I love you... -The code is gone. -David's mother called sometimes. And... she might still be alive. -Hey, it's parent-teacher at Sofia's school on Thursday. -Oh? -I'll do it then. -Tobbe needs money for shoes. -I'll give it to him. -Mom! For you! -Coming. -What's this? -A hubot. -Sign please. -Did you order one? -No. -Tobbe, help. -We have to see what it is. -What's this? -I have no idea. Careful, we might have to return it. Oh, god... Grandpa! Do you live here or are you visiting someone? I'm visiting... -Are you Beatrice? -I'm Beatrice. Help me. My name is Cloette. I'm here to make you better. You are leaking. The battery is overheated. Clott! Clott! She must not see me. -Clott? Clott! -Cloette is coming. -Clott, where are you? -I'm here. -Did you buy some apricot jam? -Yes. I'll come up with jam, tea and toast for Greta. -Is there anyone here? -No. It's just you and me. -Are you there? It's me. -Come in. Hey! Hey. Well, I was going to go see a movie tonight. Really... Yes... and I wonder if you want to join me. I'm good. So it's... a no? Yes. Or no. I won't go. All right. I just wondered. All right. By the way... stupid question, but was there anyone here last night? No. Okay. Sorry. Will you start him? It's just look at him. I need to talk to somebody before we do this. I'm not sure if I want to. It comes with a 30 minute support call with a dealer. -If I could just... -When do we start up grandpa? -We'll see, honey. -Can we do it now? -Later. But tonight, then? Tomorrow? Yeah... what the hell were you thinking? Wait, I'm not finished. -If you leave the table, you are done. -Not always. What's up? Nothing. Tobbe, grandpa is in... or copy of him... in the garage. -I know. When should we start him? -Your mother hasn't decided. I do not want any tinkering with the... him... -Even to start him? -Yes, yes. Rather no, even that. -You don't do chores. -I had nothing to do. Sorry. You can help if you want. -I know I do not have to. -I know you know. Mimi, do you want to hang with me at work today? Do it! Join us to work! Come on! Here. Well... are you Betty? -Yes. -They did not say you were a hub. Training is usually done somewhere else. But come! Here is how much there are on the pallet. Start by checking that it is correct. Here, the total: 48 pieces. -That's just one. -Yes, one pallet. But it should be 48 pieces of orange crates. -Are you refurbished, or something? -I do not know. Follow me. Follow me! Yes, hello. I would like a technical support meeting. No, it's a clone. Yes, it is an Atsugi. -Are you Inger's? -Yes. Are you... artificial or real? I've always wondered. -What are you doing? -Nothing. You have a meeting. With Claes. Send her to me later... -Sorry about that. He is a pig. -A what? He is nasty. I thought you'll get to watch what I do. -Fun, huh? -I do not know. When you get below the surface... -When you understand what it is about? -Exactly. Right here is a draft contract on a large corporate merger. It is quite complex. I thought you might mark it for typos. -Excuse me! -By all means. -What is your name, friend? -Mimi. -She's with me. -"Calas"... No. Claes. We can now proceed. I just want you all to realize the significance of the agreement. Be aware of the licenses and lease agreements. There is a related contract. It must be reflected as well... Be aware of the licenses... There is a related contract... Welcome to Atsugi Robotics! Can you explain in more detail? When you say daddy's "personality" is scanned... how do you mean? Did you catch his soul, or whatever it is, and install it in a hubot? By personality we mean the way he moves, his voice and his memories. Pictures were added to his timeline. -He never took a single picture. -Well, when I was little. An exercise program is activated where he associates you with images of you. His voice, movements and memories will be accessed. But these "memories" are just a questionnaire, right? With a few thousand questions in it. What I really want answered is "why." Why did he mortgage the house to create a clone? -Maybe it's something he told you. -We don't have that information... Who are you? You're making a mistake. You do not live here. Get out! This is my room. Excuse me... excuse me... Are you drunk? Are you high? How can you poison yourself when you have a child? You'll see an online video of someone who has succeeded. -Why is this so important? -How do you think I look? Yes, it... is quite good. EXCELLENT WORK. NOT AT ALL, VICAR. YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS... YOU AND THE UNITED STATES. BYE-BYE, TERRIFIC. NOW, THEN, MR. KIRKHAM, I AM SO SORRY, DO GO ON. WELL, IT'S JUST THAT RECENTLY I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT... WELL, LOOK, DOES THE BIBLE INTEND... AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! HEY, HEY, HEY! AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! FROM THE OLD LAND OF SPAIN, WE COME TO HONOR YOU ARRIBA! ARRIBA! FROM MILES AND MILES AWAY, WE SALUTE YOU. YOU MAKE US SO, SO HAPPY IN SPAIN REVEREND TOMLINSON... OLE! WHAT DID YOU WANT? DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE. RIGHT. E. HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE FROM BBC ENTERPRISES. THE PRICE HASN'T FINALLY BEEN DECIDED AND THE ADDRESS TO WRITE TO THEY HAVEN'T YET QUITE WORKED OUT. Announcer: IN THE MODERN BRITAIN, UNITED UNDER A GREAT LEADER IT'S THE HOUSEWIVES OF BRITAIN WHO ARE GETTING THINGS MOVING. HERE, A COACH LOAD OF LOVELY LADIES ARE ON THEIR WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION IN A CAR FACTORY. AND HERE WE ARE, BOYS, IT'S THE NO-HURRY BRIGADE HANGING AROUND FOR ENDLESS OVERTIME. AND JUST WATCH THESE GALLANT GIRLS GO INTO ACTION. NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH? WELL, THERE'S AN ANSWER FOR THAT. YES, THIS IS CERTAINLY THE WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION. THIS IS THE RECIPE FOR INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY TO MEET THE THREAT OF THOSE NASTY FOREIGNERS WHEN BRITAIN TAKES HER NATURAL PLACE AT THE HEAD OF THE BRITISH COMMON MARKET. AND HOW'S THIS FOR A WAY TO BEAT STRIKERS? THOSE SPOTTY CONTINENTAL BOYS WILL SOON HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MRS. BRITAIN. AND TALKING OF WINDMILLS THESE GIRLS AREN'T AFRAID TO TILT AT THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY. BUSINESS IS BOOMING IN THE SO-CALLED ARTS BUT TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, CHUM. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE MODERN SO-CALLED PLASTIC ARTS THAT GET THE CLEAN-UP TREATMENT. DESDEMONA... COME ON, DEARS! ( women screeching ) Announcer: AND THOSE CONTINENTALS HAD BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THEIR DIRTY FOREIGN LITERATURE. JEAN-PAUL SARTRE AND JEAN GENET WON'T KNOW WHAT'S HIT THEM. NEVER MIND THE FOULNESS OF THEIR LANGUAGE-- COME '73, THEY'LL ALL HAVE TO WRITE IN BRITISH. ( laughter ) YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FASTIDIOUS CONTINENTAL BIDETS, MRS. FOREIGNER-- MRS. BRITAIN KNOWS HOW TO KEEP HER FEET CLEAN. BUT SHE'LL BATTLE LIKE BINGO, BOYS WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING THE TV SCREEN CLEAN. BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NASTY CONTINENTAL SHOWS ON THE SNEAKY SECOND CHANNEL. BUT APART FROM ATTACKING THAT PRURIENT HOTBED OF LEFT-WING CONTINENTALISM AT SHEPHERDS BUSH WHAT ELSE DO THESE ORDINARY MUMS THINK? DO THEY ACCEPT HEGELIANISM? NO! Announcer: DO THEY PREFER LEIBNITZ TO WITTGENSTEIN? NO! NO! Announcer: AND WHERE DO THEY STAND ON YOUNG PEOPLE? JUST HERE, DEAR. Announcer: THEIR POWER IS GROWING DAILY AND WHEN THESE GIRLS ROLL THEIR SLEEVES UP IT'S ARMS ALL THE WAY. YES, THIS IS THE WAY TO FIGHT THE CONSTANT WAR AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY. ( gunfire and explosions ) ( playing introductory chords ) AND NOW... IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing ) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS. ( music ends with fart ) ( knocking at door ) ( knocking gets louder ) ( knocking becomes pounding ) ( audience laughs ) DOCTOR! ( laughter continues ) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! ( laughter ) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! WHERE IS THE DOCTOR? ( great laughter ) HELLO! ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST? HELLO! ( laughter ) ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST? NO! NO, I AM NOT THE BRAIN SPECIALIST. NO, NO, I AM NOT! YES! YES, I AM! MY BRAIN HURTS! ( laughter ) WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR. GUMBY. NO, NO, NO... MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD. OH! IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT. ( laughter ) OUT... OF MY HEAD? YES! ALL THE BITS OF IT. NURSE! NURSE! NURSE! ( laughter ) NURSE! ( laughter ) NURSE, TAKE MR. GUMBY TO A... BRAIN SURGEON. YES, DOCTOR. WHERE'S THE LANCET? Nurse: HE'S BRILLIANT, YOU KNOW. WHERE'S THE BLOODY LANCET? ( laughter ) MY BRAIN HURTS, TOO. ( siren sounding ) ( Dr. KiLdare theme playing ) GLOVES... GLASSES... MOUSTACHE... ( laughter ) HANDKERCHIEF... ( laughter ) I'M GOING TO OPERATE! ALL: OPERATE, OPERATE... GET BITS OF BRAIN! ALL: GET BITS OF BRAIN! HELLO! OH! OH! WE FORGOT THE ANESTHETIC! ALL: ANESTHETIC! ANESTHETIC! ANESTHETIC! ALL: ANESTHETIC! ( laughter ) I'VE COME TO ANESTHETIZE YOU! ( series of clanks and thuds ) ( clearing throat ) GOOD EVENING. TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT... OH, UH... EXCUSE ME, THIS IS ALL WRONG. ONE MOMENT. ( crashing and rattling ) ( loudping ) ( footsteps approaching ) HELLO, AGAIN. ( laughter ) AS I WAS SAYING... AH, OH, WAIT, THIS IS STILL NOT QUITE RIGHT. SORRY. ( odd and ambiguous noises ) NO, NO, SORRY, NO, NOT RIGHT. ( footsteps ) ( assorted crashes ) ( splash ) ( alarm clock rings ) ( rattling ) AH, THIS IS BETTER. ( clears throat ) NOW, TONIGHT I WANT TO LOOK AT THE MEANING OF LIFE... OH! OW! OH! OH! ( crashing and rattling ) NO, NO, NO... ( laughter ) ( rattling ) NO, NO, PLEASE! ( yelling ) ( thuds and crashes ) ( cow moos ) ( running footsteps ) ( explosion ) HMM, AH, WELL... THIS'LL DO NICELY. GOOD EVENING. TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE IN THE CONTEXT OF... ( screams ) Announcer: The 9:00 news, which was to have followed has been canceled tonight so we can bring you the quarterfinals of the ALL-Essex Badminton Championship. Your commentator as usual is Edna O'Brien. Man ( in Irish accent ): HuLLo, fans. Begorra, an' to be sure there's some fine badminton down there in Essex this afternoon. We really... ( doorbell rings ) ( laughter ) HMM. GEORGE? YES, GLADYS? THERE'S A MAN HERE WITH A MOUSTACHE. I ALREADY GOT ONE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT WHAT'S HE WANT, THEN? HE SAYS, DO WE WANT A DOCUMENTARY ON MOLLUSKS? MOLLUSKS? ! YES! WHAT'S HE MEAN, "MOLLUSKS"? MOLLUSKS! GASTROPODS, LAMELLIBRANCHS, CEPHALOPODS! OH, MOLLUSKS. I THOUGHT YOU SAID "BACON." ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S HE CHARGE, THEN? IT'S FREE. OH! WHERE DOES HE WANT US TO SIT? HE SAYS YES! ( laughter ) GOOD EVENING. TONIGHT, MOLLUSKS. THE MOLLUSK IS A SOFT-BODIED, UNSEGMENTED INVERTEBRATE ANIMAL USUALLY PROTECTED BY A LARGE SHELL. ONE OF THE MOST NUMEROUS GROUPS OF INVERTEBRATES IT IS EXCEEDED IN NUMBER OF SPECIES ONLY BY THE ARTHROPODS, VIZ... NOT VERY INTERESTING, IS IT? WHAT? I WAS TALKING TO HIM. OH. ANYWAY, THE TYPICAL MOLLUSK, VIZ A SNAIL... CONSISTS OF A PROMINENT MUSCULAR PORTION-- THE HEAD-FOOT-- A VISCERAL MASS AND A SHELL WHICH IS SECRETED BY THE FREE EDGE OF THE MANTLE. DREADFUL, ISN'T IT? WHAT? I WAS TALKING TO HIM! OH... WELL, ANYWAY... IN SOME MOLLUSKS, HOWEVER, VIZ, SLUGS THE SHELL IS ABSENT OR RUDIMENTARY. SWITCH HIM OFF. WHEREAS IN OTHERS, VIZ CEPHALOPODS THE HEAD-FOOT IS GREATLY MODIFIED AND FORMS TENTACLES, VIZ THE SQUID. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SWITCHING YOU OFF. DON'T YOU LIKE IT? OH, IT'S DREADFUL. EMBARRASSING. IS IT? YES, IT'S PERFECTLY AWFUL. DISGRACEFUL! I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOT THE NERVE TO PUT IT ON. IT'S SO BORING. WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SUBJECT, IS IT? BE FAIR. WHAT DO YOU THINK, GEORGE? GIVE HIM ANOTHER 20 SECONDS. ALL RIGHT. ANYWAY, THE MAJORITY OF MOLLUSKS ARE INCLUDED IN THREE LARGE GROUPS: THE GASTROPODS, THE LAMELLIBRANCHS AND THE CEPHALOPODS. WE KNOW THAT! HOWEVER, WHAT IS MORE INTERESTING IS THE, UH... MOLLUSK'S, UH... SEX LIFE. OH! ( laughter ) YES, THE MOLLUSK IS A RANDY LITTLE FELLOW WHOSE PRIMITIVE BRAIN SCARCELY STRAYS FROM THE SUBJECT OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT. DISGUSTING! OUGHT NOT TO BE ALLOWED. THE RANDIEST OF THE GASTROPODS IS THE LIMPET. THIS HOT-BLOODED LITTLE BEAST WITH ITS TENTLIKE SHELL IS ALWAYS ON THE JOB. ITS EXTRAMARITAL ACTIVITIES ARE SOMETHING STARTLING. FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FEMALE LIMPET FINDS THE TIME TO ADHERE TO THE ROCK FACE. HOW AM I DOING? DISGUSTING. BUT MORE INTERESTING. OH, YES. ANOTHER LOOSE-LIVING GASTROPOD IS THE PERIWINKLE. THIS SHAMELESS LITTLE LIBERTINE WITH ITS CHARACTERISTIC VENTRAL LOCOMOTION... IS NOT THE MARRYING KIND-- "ANYWHERE, ANYTIME" IS ITS MOTTO. UP WITH THE SHELL AND THEY'RE AT IT. WHAT ABOUT THE LAMELLIBRANCHS? I'M COMING TO THEM. THE GREAT SCALLOP... ( pretends to spit ) THIS TATTY, SCROFULOUS OLD RAPIST IS SECOND IN DEPRAVITY ONLY TO THE COMMON CLAM. THIS LATTER IS A RIGHT WHORE! A HARLOT, A TROLLOP A CYNICAL, BED-HOPPING, FIRM-BREASTED RABELAISIAN BIT OF SEAFOOD THAT MAKES FANNY HILL LOOK LIKE A DEAD POPE. AND FINALLY AMONG THE LAMELLIBRANCH BIVALVES THAT MOST DEPRAVED OF THE WHOLE SUBSPECIES, THE WHELK. ( laughter ) THE WHELK IS NOTHING BUT A HOMOSEXUAL OF THE WORST KIND. THIS GAY BOY OF THE GASTROPODS THIS QUEER CRUSTACEAN, THIS MINCING MOLLUSK THIS SCREAMING, PRANCING, LIMP-WRISTED QUEEN OF THE DEEP MAKES ME SICK. HAVE YOU GOT ONE? HERE! LET'S KILL IT. DISGUSTING! THERE, THAT'LL TEACH IT. WELL, THANK YOU FOR A VERY INTERESTING PROGRAM. OH, NOT AT ALL, THANK YOU. YES, THAT WAS VERY NICE. THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU. AND GOOD NIGHT. AND NOW A WORD FROM THE MAN IN THE... STREET. ANYWAY... OOO... COOCHY, COOCHY, COOCHY... ( speaking baby talk ) ...DEAR LITTLE FELLOW. LOOK AT THE TWINKLE IN HIS EYE. ( speaking baby talk ) OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEAR, ISN'T HE? YOU SHOULDN'T LET HIM SUCK ON A DUMMY, MY DEAR. OH, MY GOD... NO! DON'T TOUCH IT! ( loud suction pop ) ( sucking ) ( screams ) ( audience laughs ) ( wheels squeaking ) ( grumbling ) ( blathering ) THE MINISTER FOR NOT LISTENING TO PEOPLE TOURED BATLEY TODAY TO INVESTIGATE ALLEGATIONS OF VICTIMIZATION IN HOME-LOAN IMPROVEMENT GRANTS MADE LAST WEEK BY THE SHADOW-MINISTER FOR JUDGING PEOPLE AT FIRST SIGHT TO BE MARGINALLY WORSE THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE. AT THE HOME OFFICE, THE MINISTER FOR INSERTING HIMSELF IN BETWEEN CHAIRS AND WALLS IN MEN'S CLUBS WAS AT HIS DESK AFTER A SHORT ILLNESS. HE SPENT THE MORNING DEALING WITH THE IRISH SITUATION AND LATER IN THE DAY HAD LONG DISCUSSIONS WITH THE MINISTER FOR RUNNING UPSTAIRS TWO AT A TIME FLINGING THE DOOR OPEN AND SAYING, "HA, HA, CAUGHT YOU, MILDRED." IN THE COMMONS THERE WAS ANOTHER DAY OF HEATED DEBATE ON THE THIRD READING OF THE TRADE PRACTICES BILL. MR. ROLAND PENROSE THE UNDERSECRETARY FOR MAKING DEEP GROWLING NOISES... ( growls ) LAUNCHED A BITTER PERSONAL ATTACK ON THE EX-MINISTER FOR DELVING DEEP INTO A BLACK SATIN BAG AND PRODUCING A TUBE OF EUTHYMOL TOOTHPASTE. LATER IN THE DEBATE THE JUNIOR MINISTER FOR BEING FRIGHTENED BY ANY KIND OF FARM MACHINERY CHALLENGED THE UNDERSECRETARY OF STATE FOR HIDING FROM TERENCE RATTIGAN TO PRODUCE THE CURRENT YEAR'S TRADING FIGURES AS SUPPLIED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF STEALING PACKETS OF BANDAGES FROM THE SELF-SERVICE COUNTER AT TIMOTHY WHITES AND SELLING THEM AGAIN AT A CONSIDERABLE PROFIT. PARLIAMENT ROSE AT 11:30 AND, CRAWLING ALONG A DARK PASSAGEWAY INTO THE OLD RECTORY BROKE DOWN THE DOOR TO THE SERVING HATCH PAINTED THE SPARE ROOM AND NEXT WEEKEND I THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE A START ON THE BOYS' BEDROOM. WHILE AMY AND ROGER-- UP IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS-- GO TO SEE THE MYSTERIOUS MR. GRENVILLE. HE IN TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED BY D'ARCY AS SOMETHING LESS THAN AN HONEST MAN. SYBIL FEELS ONCE AGAIN A RESURGENCE OF HER OLD AFFECTION AND SHE AND BALREAU RETURN TO HER LITTLE HOUSE IN CLERMONT-FERRAND-- THE KIND OF TWO-UP, TWO-DOWN HOUSE THAT MOST FRENCH WORKERS-- AND, INDEED, MOST WORKERS THROUGHOUT THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY- - ARE LIVING IN TODAY. THE EASE OF CONSTRUCTION USING ON-SITE PREFABRICATION FACILITIES MAKES CHEAP HOUSING A REALITY. THE WALLS OF THESE HOUSES ARE LINED WITH PRESTRESSED ASBESTOS, WHICH KEEPS THE HOUSE WARM AND SNUGGLY AND EVER SO SAFE FROM THE BIG BAD RABBIT WHO CAN SCRATCH AND SCRATCH FOR ALL HE'S WORTH BUT HE JUST CAN'T GET INTO PORKY'S HOUSE. ( laughter ) WHERE IS PORKY? HERE HE IS. WHAT A FUNNY LITTLE CHAP. ( laughter ) BUT PORKY IS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. HE SURVIVED THE URBAN UPHEAVAL OF THE '30s AND '40s. FOR HIM, JARROW IS STILL JUST A MEMORY. THE HUNGER MARCHES, THE EAST END RIOTS THE COLLAPSE OF THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IN 1931 ARE DIM REMINDERS OF THE DAYS BEFORE A NEWFOUND AFFLUENCE SWEPT THE LAND MAKING IT CLEAN AND TIDY AND MAKING ALL THE SHOPS FULL OF NICE THINGS: LOVELY CHOO-CHOO TRAINS AND TOYS AND SHINY CARS THAT GO "BRRM, BRRM, BRRM" AND EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY AND SINGING ALL THE DAY LONG AND NOBODY SAW THE BIG BAD RABBIT EVER AGAIN. BUT, OF COURSE, IT'S ALL VERY EASY TO BLAME THE BIG BAD RABBIT WHEN BY-ELECTIONS ARE GOING AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. UT HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD REALLY BE BLAMING OURSELVES? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHERE WE OUGHT TO START LOOKING. ( laughter ) ( cheering ) ( lyrical waltz playing ) ( laughter ) ( roaring laughter ) ( laughter ) HELLO... ALL THE ACTIVITY YOU CAN SEE HERE IN PROGRESS IS PART OF THE INTRICATE... ( cries out ) PREPARATIONS FOR THE BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE. THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS SIR JANE RUSSELL. ( laughter ) SIR JANE, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXPEDITION? WELL, THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNCHARTED LAKE WITH, LIKE, HITHERTO UNCLASSIFIED MARINE LIFE, MAN SO THE WHOLE SCENE'S WIDE OPEN FOR A SCIENTIFIC EXPLORATION. ONE CAN SEE THE IMMENSE AMOUNT OF PREPARATION INVOLVED. HAVE THERE BEEN MANY DIFFICULTIES IN SETTING UP THIS VENTURE? WELL, THE REAL HANG-UP WAS WITH THE BREAD, MAN BUT WHEN THE TOP-BRASS PIGS CAME THROUGH WE GOT IT TOGETHER IN A COUPLE OF MOONS. COMMODORE BETTY GRABLE, WHO'S A REAL SUB-AQUA HEAD HAS GOT IT TOGETHER DIVING-WISE AND, LIKE, THE WHOLE GIG'S BEEN A REAL GAS, MAN. THANK YOU. ( laughter ) LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DOROTHY LAMOUR. Parrot: PIECES OF EIGHT. DOROTHY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE SECURITY AND LIAISON FOR THIS OPERATION. RIGHT ON. YOU'VE KEPT THIS ALL VERY HUSH-HUSH SO FAR, SHIPMATE. YEAH, IT'S BEEN REALLY HEAVY, MAN WITH ALL THESE FREAKS FROM THE FASCIST PRESS TRYING TO BLOW THE WHOLE SCENE. THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT THIS EXPEDITION DOES HAVE SOME RATHER UNUSUAL ASPECTS, JIM LAD. FOR A START, WHY DO THE SENIOR PERSONNEL ALL BEAR THE NAMES OF HOLLYWOOD FILM STARS OF THE '40s AND FEMALE ONES AT THAT? SHIVER ME TIMBERS, 'TIS THE BLACK SPOT AND SECONDLY, I BE NOT AFRAID OF THEE, BLIND PEW! WHY DO THEY TALK THIS RATHER STRANGE, STILTED UNDERGROUND JARGON? BELAY THE MAIN BRACE, SQUIRE TRELAWNEY, THIS BE MY SHIP NOW! AH! A TRANQUILIZING DART FIRED BY THE COWARDLY BBC HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOGS. THEY'VE DONE FILLED ME FULL OF CHLORPROMAZINE! DAMN! ( crying out in agony ) I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR. THE NAVY'S OUT OF SIGHT! COME TOGETHER WITH THE R.N. IT REALLY IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN ELSE. ( energetic rock musicplaying ) ( laughter ) ( music ends ) CAN YOU DIG IT, MAN? ( laughter ) HELLO... I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR JUST NOW BUT THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN TOO EASY FOR HIM RECENTLY-- TROUBLE AT HOME-- RATHER CONFIDENTIAL, SO I CAN'T GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS INTERESTING THOUGH THEY ARE. THREE BOTTLES OF RUM WITH HIS WEETABIX, AND SO FORTH. ANYWAY... APPARENTLY, THE GIRL WASN'T EVEN... ANYWAY, THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME... IT'S THE MOTHER I FEEL SORRY FOR. I'LL START AGAIN. THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME IS PART OF THE PREPARATIONS FOR THE NEW NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE. THE MAN IN CHARGE OF THIS EXPEDITION IS VICE ADMIRAL SIR JOHN CUNNINGHAM. SIR JOHN, HELLO, THERE. HELLO... WELL, FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF CERTAIN OF MY COLLEAGUES YOU MAY HAVE SEEN EARLIER BUT THEY ARE FROM BROKEN HOMES CIRCUS FAMILIES AND SO ON AND THEY ARE IN NO WAY REPRESENTATIVE OF THE NEW, MODERN, IMPROVED BRITISH NAVY. THEY ARE A SMALL, VOCIFEROUS MINORITY. AND MAY I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY OF EMPHASIZING THAT THERE IS NO CANNIBALISM IN THE BRITISH NAVY-- ABSOLUTELY NONE. AND WHEN I SAY NONE I MEAN THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT-- MORE THAN WE ARE PREPARED TO ADMIT-- BUT ALL NEW RATINGS ARE WARNED THAT IF THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FIND ANY TOOTH MARKS AT ALL ANYWHERE ON THEIR BODIES THEY'RE TO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN IMMEDIATELY TAKE EVERY MEASURE TO HUSH THE WHOLE THING UP. AND FINALLY, NECROPHILIA IS RIGHT OUT. NOW, THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF CANNIBALISM AND NECROPHILIA IN... THIS EXPEDITION IS PRIMARILY TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF UNUSUAL MARINE LIFE IN THE AS-YET UNCHARTED LAKE PAHOE. AND WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE? UH... 22A, RUNCORN AVENUE. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, 22A. RUNCORN AVENUE? YES, IT'S JUST BY BLENHEIM CRESCENT. DO YOU KNOW IT? UH, YOU MEAN IT'S IN AN ORDINARY STREET? IT IS NOT AN ORDINARY STREET-- IT'S GOT A LAKE IN IT! YES, BUT I... LOOK, HOW MANY STREETS DO YOU KNOW THAT HAVE GOT LAKES IN THEM? I MEAN, IS IT VERY LARGE? OF COURSE IT'S NOT LARGE. YOU COULDN'T GET A LARGE LAKE IN RUNCORN AVENUE! YOU'D HAVE TO KNOCK DOWN THE TOBACCONIST'S! JENKINS... NO! ( laughter ) I'M NOW STANDING IN RUNCORN AVENUE. SIR JOHN, WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LAKE? UH, WELL LET'S SEE, THAT'S 18... THAT'S 20, SO THIS MUST BE THE ONE. UM, EXCUSE ME, UM... YES, THIS IS THE ONE, ALL RIGHT. BUT IT'S AN ORDINARY HOUSE. LOOK, I'M GETTING PRETTY IRRITATED WITH THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING. BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A LAKE. LOOK, YOUR WHOLE APPROACH SINCE THIS INTERVIEW STARTED HAS BEEN TO MOCK THE NAVY. WHEN I THINK THAT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU I HAD BOTH MY LEGS BLOWN OFF... BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD BOTH YOUR LEGS BLOWN OFF! I WAS TALKING METAPHORICALLY, YOU FOOL. JENKINS... PUT THAT DOWN. RIGHT, IS THE EQUIPMENT READY? DIVING EQUIPMENT ALL READY, MAN. RIGHT... NOW, QUITE SIMPLY THE APPROACH TO LAKE PAHOE IS UP THE STEPS AND THEN WE COME TO THE SHORES OF THE LAKE. NOW, I'M GOING TO PRESS THE BELL JUST TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYONE IN. ( bell ringing ) HELLO? GOOD MORNING, I'M LOOKING FOR A LAKE PAHOE. THERE'S A MR. PADGETT. NO, NO, A LAKE. THERE'S NO LAKE HERE, MATE. THIS IS RUNCORN AVENUE. WHAT'S THAT CAMERA DOING? CAMERA? WHAT'S HE WANT? OOH, ARE WE ON THE TELLY? HE'S LOOKING FOR A LAKE. LAKE PAHOE. OH, YOU WANT DOWNSTAIRS, 22A, THE BASEMENT. AH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOOD MORNING. COME ON, MEN, DOWNSTAIRS. UH, WERE YOU SUCCESSFUL, SIR JOHN? IT'S IN THE BASEMENT. IN THE BASEMENT? PIECES OF EIGHT! UGH! HELLO? ( laughter ) OH, I THINK IT'S SOMEONE ABOUT THE DAMP. HELLO. TELL THEM ABOUT THE BLEEDING RATS, TOO. I'LL GO. YES? Sir John: GOOD MORNING, IS THIS LAKE PAHOE? WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT IT'S BLEEDING DAMP. ARE YOU FROM THE COUNCIL? NO, WE ARE THE OFFICIAL BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO THIS LAKE. MAY WE COME IN? HANG ON. ( shrieking ) BLOODY SHARKS. GET BACK IN... GET IN. GET IN. ( gives raspberry ) WELL, THAT WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE END OF THE EXPEDITION. THE MAGNA CARTA-- WAS IT A DOCUMENT SIGNED AT RUNNYMEDE IN 1215 BY KING JOHN PLEDGING INDEPENDENCE TO THE ENGLISH BARONS OR WAS IT A PIECE OF CHEWING GUM ON A BEDSPREAD IN DORSET? THE LATTER IDEA IS THE BRAINCHILD OF A MAN NEW TO THE FIELD OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH. MR. BADGER, WHY... WHY ARE YOU ON THIS PROGRAM? ( in Scottish accent ): WELL, I THINK I CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION MOST SUCCESSFULLY IN MIME. BUT WHY DORSET? ( laughter ) WELL, I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME BEEN SUFFERING FROM A SPECIES OF BRAIN INJURY WHICH I INCURRED DURING THE RIGORS OF CHILDBIRTH AND I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE BY PUTTING MY FINGER UP MY NOSE. MR. BADGER, I THINK YOU'RE THE SILLIEST PERSON WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS PROGRAM AND SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME. MY WIFE MAUREEN RAN OFF WITH A BOTTLE OF BELL'S WHISKEY DURING THE ABERDEEN VERSUS RAITH ROVERS MATCH WHICH ENDED IN A GOAL-LESS DRAW. ROBSON, PARTICULARLY, IN GOAL, HAD A MAGNIFICENT FIRST HALF HIS FINE POSITIONAL SENSE PREVENTING THE BUILD-UP OF ANY SEVERE PRESSURE ON THE SUSPECT ABERDEEN DEFENSE. McLOUGHLAN MISSED AN EASY CHANCE TO CLINCH THE GAME TOWARDS THE FINAL WHISTLE BUT RAITH MUST BE WELL SATISFIED WITH THEIR POINT. DO PLEASE GO ON. THIS IS THE LEAST FASCINATING CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, SIR? YES, MR. BADGER, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO START WITH? UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY TO START WITH. FOR FIRST COURSE, SIR? AYE. AND FOR MAIN COURSE, SIR? UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY FOR MAIN COURSE AND I'LL FOLLOW THAT WITH A WHISKEY FOR PUDDING. YES, SIR, AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE WITH IT, SIR? A WHISKEY? NO, A BOTTLE OF WINE. ( laughter ) "FINE, SIR," HE SAID BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH KNOWING FULL WELL IT WAS A MOST UNREWARDING PART. THIS IS THE SILLIEST SKETCH I'VE EVER BEEN IN. SHALL WE STOP IT? YEAH, ALL RIGHT. ( laughter ) ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing ) ( applause ) [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation] ( music ends with fart ) ( cheering ) SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 3: WHAT PARENTS FIND UNTHINKABLE Based on the book by Günther Hunold With an epilogue by Kurt Seelmann Former Director, City Youth Office of Munich starring many anonymous youths and parents And as reporter: Written by Music by Photography Design Editor and Assistant Director Executive producer Producer Directed by The NEW Schoolgirl Report 2 Ladies and gentlemen, you'll probably recognize me if you're one of the 10 million viewers who watched the first two episodes of Schoolgirl Report. You may well ask, "What else could they tell us in a third part?" As you will see, the facts are new and even more shocking. Please judge for yourselves. We'll strike while the iron's hot. The Christian Young Men's Association in Hamburg has published a guide on sex education. It's an article meant to educate young students on healthy sexuality. How does it work in practice? Nine boys and six girls. Seven, we got another girl. I hope it's all right. Six or seven, it doesn't matter. How old? - Between 15 and 18. - Oh, my! Those brats sometimes require a heavy hand. But we can't do that anymore. Youth group leaders don't have the same authority today. I don't care. But in here, everything must be in order. "Sexuality is a vital force against death. This force is not biology, but love." - What kind of rubbish is this? - It's not rubbish. It's a guide on sexuality for youth groups published by the Men's Christian Youth Association. - Rubbish. - Makes me want to vomit. Listen. "Recognizing the procreative importance of sexuality sex is conducive to life. This is why sexuality must be given its place in our association." Bravo! Now listen up, guys. "Because of this new approach, and at the request of our youth mutual masturbation skinny-dipping and shared sleeping quarters are now acceptable." Here it is, sweetie, in black and white. - I can't believe it. - Hard to believe, eh? Did you read it too? - What is mutual masturbation? - Filth. You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Wouldn't you? - Why else would I ask you? I didn't know we were so progressive. Where can we go skinny-dipping around here? 200 meters to the left, then 50 meters down that way. Well, with or without? According to the guide, without is allowed. Full of big words, but then you chicken out. - Well, you go first. - I will. - Do it then. - Bah! I'm all for the new way. Me too. - Well, pants off. - No problem. You'll have to take them off yourself. What's wrong with you? stop pulling, Blackie. Good afternoon, madam. Good afternoon. You pig. I wasn't this naked even on my wedding night. Come on. Let's go. What's this? Is it "Butt Naked Day" today? Yeah, mine were that beautiful once too long, long ago. Well, knock me over. Group sex. Oh, boy. Don't look, Blackie. We're being corrupted. No shared sleeping quarters, I see. Everything must be in order. I think the boys are up to something tonight. - No way. - Yeah, pretending to be ghosts. They're so childish. - You want something else, eh? - After the swim, I feel great. - How about we haunt them? - Great idea. Here comes Dracula! Quiet. I want my peace. Keep that nonsense out of here. The beds are all empty. - What about me? - Where are the others? They're with the other girls. - What crap. - That didn't work out. I'm Knight Kunibert, nasty and dead for 700 years. You're pretty lively for a dead guy. I feed on the blood of young girls. - Someone's coming. - Let's go. - Get out! - What's up? Too late. Go hide. Lights out. See, Mr. Balzer? Everything's okay. In here, everything must be in order. - Go to sleep, then. - Good night. - Help me up. - I'm coming. You're a heavy bag. We can start now. - Hurry, let's go. - You crazy? You can't leave now. I'll warm up with Alex. But don't bite. Your feet are cold. - And who'll kiss me? - Shut up. Fool around a bit. A real weathervane. When the regional association put the guide into practice it was kicked out of the Christian federation. The guide had been written by adults and the ban was issued by adults. But can adults give sexual advice to young people regardless of whether they're experts or benevolent laymen? They were stupid for getting caught. They certainly didn't plan on that. Do you think that boys and girls spending their holidays in a camp should be allowed to have sex? My goodness. Whether you're for or against it, they'll do it regardless. Sure, that's why you spend your holidays together. If I knew the boy. Why not? We did the same in our day. Based on my age, I would be against it. Mr. Balzer had no choice. If he allowed us to fuck, he'd be in trouble. Regulations and laws, I can't stand it. It's so outdated. If two people really like each other they'll find a way to fuck. - Is that experience talking? - You got a problem with that? My intimacy is no one else's business. I don't know. As a girl, you can find yourself in situations that you can't get out of by yourself. I experienced it myself, not so long ago. The German Romantic writers must be seen in terms of their time. They are a striking example- - I have a headache. May I be excused? - Yes. A striking example that the output of an artist- If only I hadn't had such a splitting headache that day it would never have happened. Get her. If she screams, cover her mouth. Okay, but I get a turn after you. Are you crazy? Get out of here. You know any reason why we should? Because this is the ladies' room. Get undressed and show me how much of a lady you are. You're pigs. Where are you from? We have a free period. And we're looking for a productive activity. Then let's get started with this productive activity. - Come on, give me a kiss. - You're out of your mind. Come on. Her legs. Come on. Calm down. - Come on. - Yeah. What you're witnessing is not the invention of a screenwriter. It is reality. It's the consequence of a youthful urge to show off. As a result, the rape of a schoolgirl is seen as a heroic act an abominably heroic act. Come on, hold her tight. Now me. All right, go for it. Come on. What the hell is going on here? Thank God. Mr. Pfeifer, Mr. Pfeifer! These three raped me. You don't say? - What do you say to that? - Rape, that's bullshit. - We always meet this slut here. - Sure. Absolutely. You rotten liars. I'm calling the police. I wouldn't do that, girl. You heard what they said. Go back to class. Not a word about this, or you'll be expelled. That goes for all of you, understand? You come see me at 4:00 this afternoon, then we'll see. Now get lost, but be quiet. They tricked me. What can I do? The janitor doesn't believe me. No one will believe me. Grossmann, you're not listening. You still have a headache? Well, then I'll spare you for now. Where were we? I had forgotten my headache. I hope the janitor will keep his mouth shut. It's up to you, Edith, whether I keep quiet or not. - What should I do? - First, keep quiet. No one will believe you when those three contradict you. - But you believe me. - I believe what I can see. I don't want you to get expelled only because- Because what? Well, if it goes public, I'll be in trouble. You- - What do you want? Money? - No, not money. - What? - Don't act stupid. You're experienced. You're a madman. How can I save you? If you make a mistake now, your whole life will be ruined. I'm obligated to tell the principal, and you know what happens then. All right. Where? Here, on this dirty couch? Don't cry, girl. Take off your clothes. - Everything? - Lose the skirt. Besides, the couch isn't that dirty. Happy? For starters. Who is he? This is Mr. Dreier, civil servant. - How old is she? - Fourteen. So that was it. It was all a dirty game. The three boys had raped me on the janitor's orders. And he just wanted to pass me on. I had fallen into this trap. And now I'm lost. It happened exactly as you see it here. A schoolgirl, still a child is transformed into the coveted sex object of small town dignitaries. As disgraceful as this case is, the times are also to blame. Times in which even respectable local newspapers make use predominantly of underage schoolgirls as models. And as for the innocently trusting parents who believe their daughters are free from danger only to discover her one day in the newspaper a magazine or a sex magazine who can say how many they are? A hundred. Mr. Kommert, authorized Notary. Come, child. I'll be nice with you. A hundred. Pharmacist Pantel. - This way, Chief Inspector. - Thank you. - Chief Inspector Krause. - Hello, my child. A hundred. You're driving me crazy. The schoolgirl has long been the sex symbol of our time. Is she aware of this? You're driving me crazy. Come on. You're driving me crazy! Edith, get up. It's 7:00. Oh, my God. Edith! - Do you know a Mr. Dreier? - No. - And Mr. Krause and Mr. Pantel? - No. We're not getting anywhere. - You have a daughter. - Leave her out of this. Can you look her in the eyes after what you did to Edith? How much were you paid for your dirty business? - You can't prove a thing. - We'll see about that. Get ready. You're under arrest. As a schoolgirl, have you had any sexual experiences that you'd rather no one knew about? Yes, some men are pigs. I understand your desperation when you can't trust anyone. Do you think your daughter is honest with you about sex? Sure, we're like best friends. Why didn't you tell your parents? My parents? You're crazy. They would have thought I was a whore. She's right. Many parents think the worst of us. Parents this, parents that. But if the newspapers are right there's more going on in the schools than you think. They're right. I experienced something similar a few years ago. It was my first sexual experience. We had a teacher, Johannes Holbach. He was the head teacher and deputy principal. A great guy, around 30. We learned a lot but his teaching methods- Now for a completely different topic: Fiber. What's this? Normally, I'd say it's my breast. You'll be next soon. I wasn't asking about what's underneath, but about this. - A sweater. - Right. - What's it made of? - Wool. - And what is wool? - It comes from sheep. - And goats. - Even camels. That's right. So what is wool? Animal hair. What is your skirt made of? Pure virgin wool. - And underneath? - Panties. And what are they made of? 100% pure cotton. Easy to clean, and wash-and-wear. Correct. Where does cotton come from? It grows on trees. That's a bit of an exaggeration. Let's say it comes from plants, from the seeds of the cotton plant. Does anyone know the French word? - Coton. - Outstanding. Cotton in English. What other fibers do you know? Linen, which also comes from plants. Silk, from the silkworms- Yes, you know a lot. Very good. And what kind of fiber is this, Gisela? It's synthetic. What's the difference from all other fibers? Teacher, what material is my sweater made of? Hopefully, something that doesn't shrink. In this way we learned about natural and synthetic fibers. Holbach's classes were always funny. Everyone liked him, except for fat Alice. He didn't like her, and so she took revenge. She told her father everything, and he went to the authorities. Witness another shocking case. The perpetrator is punished, but form your own opinion. Psychologists have demonstrated that young girls want to have their first experience with a man who reminds them of their father. Who more so than a teacher? Seduction and sex with a minor. I don't want to testify. Me neither. But we have to. The judge was quite clear. Miss Mohndorf, at 16, you're old enough to testify under oath. You have to tell the truth in court. If you conceal anything, you'll face severe penalties. - The things that pig wants to know. - He's interrogating Gisela now. Be more precise, Miss Gisela. - What do you want to know? - Stop acting stupid! You're not a child anymore. You're all the same. No one wants to tell the truth. That pig of a teacher seduces two dozen students and you all cover for him. It's outrageous! Read back the minutes. It was one afternoon when I was 14. The accused, Johannes Holbach called me to the library to help him with some books. He was sorting books when I entered the room. When he saw me, he dropped all the books. We picked them up together and the accused touched my breasts. I think it was an accident. How beautiful. That's all. That's not all. Strike the last remark. - What happened next? - It was so long ago. I forget. Because you want to forget. What happened? Did he reach in and touch your breasts? Surely, you weren't wearing a bra then. Not even today, if you have to know. Yes, I have to know. What happened? That tickles. It tickles, Gisela? Where exactly? Here, in the front. - Right here? - Yes. Does it tickle more like this? It goes through and through. You're a little woman. Yes? You know, Gisela I can show you something that goes through and through even more. And then he reached into your panties. Yes, he reached into my panties and he touched my pussy. And if you have to know, I really enjoyed it. That's all, damn it. Thank you, that's all I need. In my anger, I told him too much. He's got a nasty way of drawing out information. I'll admit what Holbach did wasn't right but he's a good guy. I don't want him to be punished. What did he get out of you? Holbach took nude pictures of me in his office. That pig in there has them all on his desk. He once called me in too. You're doing so poorly in biology you don't know the heart from the butt. You may have to repeat a year. So get undressed, and I'll demonstrate on a live subject. Naked? - You want to fail the class? - No, Mr. Holbach. I was curious, naturally. So I took off my clothes, of course. Besides, I wanted to see if Holbach was more than just talk. Or if the other girls had exaggerated. Look at the skeleton. It supports the human body. You can't see whether it's a man or a woman. Take your breasts. Yours are shaped nicely and well-developed. The skeleton doesn't have any. That doesn't hurt. It tickles a bit. And here is the groin. The skeleton doesn't have the cute little hair either. And now your back going down to your bottom. Bang, I thought now it was going to happen. But I was wrong. There's a big difference between your peachy bottom and the skeleton's pelvis. I never knew biology was so wonderful. He was great. I had my first orgasm with him. Great finger exercise. It was in his office too. I had scraped my knee. He was all worried. I had to get undressed, and he examined me. His hands were quite busy. But that's water under the bridge. - Miss Henkels. - Yes? Come in. Do you agree that a teacher who seduces a minor must be punished? Yes, I think so. No, the girl is often guilty too. No, because who knows who seduced whom? Do you agree that a teacher who seduces a minor must be punished? Of course. A decent girl can avoid this. He got five years and seven months. The prosecutor wanted 10. We all felt sorry for him. I think he's a pig. Seducing schoolgirls! You didn't know him. He was very nice. And we weren't kids. It only seemed nasty when we had to tell it all to the court. Some judges make you sick. Of course, they got off on it. They're only men, pigs like all adults. But if we ask them questions, they get all self-righteous. - Did they ever catch you? - Yes, my father did, but it was harmless. I was almost 15 then. I knew nothing about sex, a late bloomer. I simply wasn't interested. Strange. Usually nobody's home in the afternoon. I can't believe it. My sister Hilde with a young man. I swear at first I didn't know what they were doing. I wanted to laugh. It looked funny to me. But suddenly, it piqued my interest. I couldn't help watching. I had to see it all. It repelled me but also fascinated me. It confused me. How can anyone lose control like that? My sister is always so serious. But all of a sudden, she's writhing, groaning, screaming. Why? Is this lust, the orgasm they talk about at school? Then she got up and I saw it on him. You know what. It took my breath away. I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd seen that afternoon. I saw Hilde, her passion, her fulfillment. And I saw his member that had given her so much pleasure. Without realizing it, my hands took on a life of their own as I thought about the incident. I imagine the love. I imagine a man taking me in his arms. I imagine he fulfills me so much that I don't know what's happening. Then I'm shocked to realize I'm pleasuring myself for the first time in my life. Is it right? It must be, because it feels great. I could scream with ecstasy with ecstasy! I completely forgot we had a visitor Kurt, my cousin. He always stays for a few days. Kurt is 10. By chance, I caught him in the shower. What are you gawking at? On Kurt, I saw it again, that that thing that both attracted and startled me. - Want to go to the movies? - No, I'd rather play soccer. Always playing that stupid soccer. Aren't you interested in anything else? Like what? Girls, for example. You're nuts. Yeah, girls. And I'm not nuts, you're stupid. If you keep saying that, I'll hit you. I bet you don't even know what a girl looks like. - I do know. - How? -They look like you. - I told you you're stupid. - Wait. I'll show you. - Hold on! - I'm sorry. - Why? Boys scream when they get hit there. - It hurts like hell. - Girls don't scream. - There's nothing there. - Of course there's something there. What is it? Show me! I told you you don't know what girls look like. - Show me. - Only if you show me yours. But there's nothing to see. You think so? Come on then. - Only if we both go at once. - Let's go. Just the same as my mom's. Milk comes out of them, right? When you have a child. see, you've got buttons there. Fresh youth exploring life. How many poets have described it? How frequently have writers been inspired by the theme that in discovering another person you discover yourself? All adults know and yet refuse to admit to their children that they were once in the same situation. I really do know girls. There's a hole under that hair. What do you think it's there for? It's for that down there. Man, is that a small one. Doesn't it get bigger? No. Why? Come over here by me and put it in my hole. - How does it work? - Lie down here. Somehow we'll find a way. We have to try it out. But this afternoon you're going to soccer with me. Eintracht is playing Bayern. Müller is a great shot. When he's given room to play, he slams in one after another. Ingrid! I can't believe my eyes! Beating is not education. This father is mistaken. He calls innocent games of curiosity acts of obscenity. Unfortunately, many adults attribute their life's problems and complexes to similar disturbed and degrading childhood games. Psychologists can tell us a thing or two about this. After that circus my parents wouldn't speak to me for four weeks. It's your own fault for getting caught. Do it in the woods. That's exactly what happened when I told my parents I was sleeping with my boyfriend. Oh, my. I wouldn't dare. What if you caught your daughter, still a schoolgirl in bed with her boyfriend having sex? I would spank her good. - I'd say, "Out!" - Who? The boyfriend or your daughter? Both. I rely on her good taste, and she's on the pill anyway. -Have you explained things to your daughter? -In today's world, they find out for themselves. And probably know more than us. They should study, instead of thinking of sex. - Did you play doctor as a child? - I think we all did. That's how we found out for ourselves. Parents don't have to know everything. Most of them don't. At some point, we have to start looking for a partner. Finding a partner can be a big problem. There's a lot involved, not only sex. Girls get emotionally involved. For the man, it's only about sex. - How did you come up with that? - Because I've experienced it myself. Tell us. Well, I didn't actually experience it myself. It was my best friend. If I tell you, you'll be amazed at what goes on in this world. This is Renate. Her father's an advertising expert. Her parents didn't have any financial problems but they had plenty of personal ones. Renate's mother was very ill and had been in a sanatorium for months. One day, the afternoon classes were canceled and Renate came home early. That's funny. What's going on? It's Aunt Lohnie's car again. Before, we barely saw her once a year. Suddenly she's here a couple of times every week. Don't you want to come to dinner, darling? I know what you think. The situation was clear enough. Nevertheless, I'd like to give you an explanation. Look. I love your mother. No, you can believe me. But she's ill, and she's practically never home. What can I do? I'm a man in his best years. I simply need a woman's love now and then physically, I mean. And Lohnie- What's the point? What did he say? He loves my mother and she isn't here. He needs love. Him, a man in his best years? My God, what will happen if he falls in love with Aunt Lohnie? It's terrible to imagine my mother coming back from the sanatorium to a broken marriage. What can I do? I love your mother. I love your mother. No,you can believe me. But she's ill. I'm a man in his best years. I simply need a woman's love now and then physically, I mean. What can I do? What can I do? Now that I know about it should I allow it? Do I stand by and watch as my parents'marriage is broken? I love my parents. What can I do? I love your mother. No, you can believe me. But she's ill. I'm a man in his best years. I simply need a woman's love now and then physically, I mean. I simply need a woman's love now and then physically, I mean. I'm... a woman too. I'm a woman too. Yes, that's an idea. Maybe a crazy idea. But it's the only solution. It's the only way for me to save my parents'marriage. Put something on, darling. You'll catch a cold. Can I come to bed, Dad? Sure. If you'd like. When I was little, I always used to come to bed with you on Sundays. Remember what I always used to ask you? Just about everything, as far as I remember. I always used to ask you if you loved me. You've forgotten that? That's right. Do you love me more than Aunt Lohnie? Of course, darling. But why- Why did you do that with Aunt Lohnie today? - My child, that's completely different. - I'm not a child anymore, Dad. I want you to love me. I do love you. But not as much as Aunt Lohnie. Listen here, darling. No. I don't want you to do that with Aunt Lohnie or other women anymore. They're all cheating on Mom. Take me. Are you crazy? - The two of us aren't cheating on her. - I'm ashamed. But nobody will know. For four weeks, I've been the lover of my own father. He doesn't want to see Aunt Lohnie anymore. Tomorrow, mother's coming back from the sanatorium. All is well. In these last few moments, you have indisputably witnessed a crime. But we show it to you as more of an exceptional situation. A schoolgirl's desperate rescue attempts are misunderstood as a young person's willingness to sacrifice herself. However, let's hear other schoolgirls' opinions on this. If what you're telling us is really true- I don't know. That's pretty excessive. But my friend only wanted to save her parents' marriage. But by pretty strange methods. And she probably felt really heroic. She wanted to make a victim of herself. In my opinion, she's nuts. I can almost understand the girl. But her father? No, I don't get it at all either. He should be locked up. Can you imagine being your father's lover? It'd be different from a boyfriend. But I can imagine it. Yeah, sure. He looks good. He's progressively minded. Sure. That's an unbelievable situation. I'm the father and if I really wanted something else, I wouldn't tell you. I don't want to answer that. It's indiscreet. He might be even more exciting as a man than my boyfriend. Yeah, I think I could love him. If you ask me, he should have given her a good spanking instead. - Careful about feelings. - That's right. But without feelings, you can achieve just as much. I know a case like that. It was an old girlfriend of mine. Another girlfriend. That bitch was so cold and calculating. I tell you, her character would make you throw up. And fucking was her way of asserting herself. A modern Lolita. she knows she's pretty. Every move she makes... is calculated to get her noticed, admired and desired. ...she wants to be taken. It's not about lust but for her, having sexual relations with a man especially with a successful man is her only way of asserting herself. Sadly, it's not a rare profile, which often causes hardship. - What's wrong? - Forget it. I'm pissed off. Why? Let's finish the set. No. Well, then fuck off. Why are you brushing him off? He's been staring at your tits. - He could be useful. - Not to me. I don't do kids anymore. I don't know. I think he's almost perfect. You take him, then. We could both squeeze him to our breasts. I wouldn't do someone like him, from my school and in the same class. He can practice on someone else. The man I sleep with must be somebody who can teach me something. Like him? - Why not? - He could teach you something. I'll stay for a bit. You're going home? I'm really pissed off. Those fucking women. Take it easy. You haven't found the right one yet. - Rolf, can you take me into town? - If you want. This is Helmi Kortmann. We're in the same class. - This is my father. - Pleased to meet you. If all schoolgirls are so pretty, I'll go back to school myself. Yes? If you want to come with me, hurry up. I'm leaving. - Goodbye, Mister- - Dr. Schneider. Hope to see you soon. - Did you have to behave like that? - I do what I want. I'm not going to ask your permission. - Man, who's car is this? - My father's. Go slow. I don't want to fall off. Fine, walk then. Naturally, her spat with the young man was a trick. Lolitas are very calculating. Her target.: the father. For a schoolgirl, it's great to sleep with the father of a classmate. That's what she thinks. That's why she's waiting at the exact spot his car must pass. - Nice to see you again. - Could you give me a lift? - Sure. Get in. - Thank you. I thought Rolf was taking you home. Let's talk about something else. - Did he get fresh with you? - Very much so. I can't blame him. He got his good taste from me. Do you get fresh too? You must have something against it. Otherwise, you'd be with Rolf, right? That's different. Little boys are extremely boring. I've never seen anything as sweet as you. Let's drive into the woods. It's more comfortable. Careful. You're married. Didn't Rolf tell you? I'm divorced. - Well, it's okay then. - So sweet. Oh, Doctor. Come. Come. Oh, Doctor. Oh, Doctor. Come. Oh, Doctor. Come. Oh, Doctor. Come. Come. Oh, Doctor. Come. Oh, Doctor. Oh, Doctor. Come. Oh, Doctor. - Come on. - Let go of me. Get it into your head. We're finished. Fucking jerk. - You two are through. - So what? No wonder. Helmi's got a guy with a big Mercedes. You can't compete with that. Stop yanking my chain. What do you mean? Go out to your house and see for yourself. Bye. Come here, Doctor. You're such a sweet girl. - Come. What's wrong? - Be quiet. What's up? Doctor. I've got a feeling we're being watched. Rubbish. Come on, take that off. I want to do you differently. Hi, Rolf. - Nice of you to drop by. - Hi. Hi, Rolf. Sit down. Care to eat with us? - Helmi's not here yet. - I know about that. - What do you mean by that? - Nothing. Tell us. Has something happened? Maybe you should see how your daughter fools around in her free time. That's enough. What are you saying? Don't be insolent. Our daughter isn't like that. All right. Stop beating around the bush. Tell us what you know. I can't. I won't. Ask your good daughter. He raped me after the tennis game. I couldn't defend myself. Child, why didn't you tell us? I was ashamed. Besides, it had already happened. "It had already happened." That's outrageous. He took advantage of you. That Dr. Schneider belongs behind bars. - What about poor Rolf? - He's no better than his father. How often do you think he's tried it with me, that scumbag? - At least have a bite to eat. - I've lost my appetite. That won't help. No. I'll take this to the prosecutor. The prosecutor? What will I tell him? Okay, he gave me a lift. Then he stopped and threw me down on the hood. He had his way with me. I tried to fight him, but he's such a strong man. There was nothing I could do but bite the bullet and hope it would be over soon. It was disgusting. He did terrible things to me. I screamed and screamed, but he just laughed. He was stronger than me. When it was all over I cried and cried. The accused is found not guilty on the charge of sex with a minor. The expenses will be paid by the court. The law has spoken. Would you judge in the same way? It has been proven that of the girls between 12 and 16 who were involved in sexual offense cases 37 percent behaved provocatively or willingly tolerated the contact. Thirty-seven percent of the girls have taken an equally active part. And only 20 percent have shown at least the first signs of defense. Year after year, over a thousand men go to jail in Germany. The court accuses them of seduction of a minor. Just how many men are sentenced while in reality they are innocent is not revealed by any statistic. Do you know what your daughter does in her free time? She's so sly that she's got an excuse for everything. What am I to do? Are you of the opinion that you can sleep with anyone? That it has nothing to do with love? First I want to try him in bed. Love comes later. Would you forgive your husband sooner for having an affair with a teenager than with his secretary? No, I wouldn't. Yes, because those young things are more dangerous for a man. I don't know if I would forgive him at all teenager or secretary. You guys go from one extreme to another. You could say that. see, there's nothing that- I always thought normal was normal. What is normal? A girl deciding for herself when and with whom she has sex. Aside from the last story. I once thought I could decide with whom and when I had sex. But then something happened to me that haunts me to this day. It was last summer. I went swimming with a girlfriend. Ow! - So how about tonight? - No, not interested. We're both busy. Get lost. Your loss. - What are you doing tonight? - Don't know. My homework, perhaps. - What's it about? - Democracy and freedom of the press. - Interesting? - No, but it's eight pages long. - I once dated a journalist. - What happened to him? I dumped him when he tried to limit my freedom. Imagine that. He'd fallen in love with me. But that's great. Nonsense. When they fall in love, they think they own you. Like private property. And that's when he starts bossing you around. "Don't do this. Don't do that." But if you love him dearly you have to be there for him. No, sweetie. Love makes you dependent. Sex is great, but don't confuse it with love. I'm the boss of my own body and my own heart. - I don't know. - I do. If I like a man, I'll take him. I take him, you got that? Not the other way round. This is the age of emancipation. Ah, shit! - Look at him. - Who? The one drying his back. So? You don't have an eye for guys. Watch. I'll show you something. I'll get him. - Do you have a cigarette? - Here you go. Thank you. I'm still in school. - Do you like schoolgirls? - Why? I like you. I want to sleep with you. You don't hold back, do you? See you later. Let's be clear: I'm the one who wants it. - Well? - I've reeled him in. That night, I seduced him. At least that's what I thought. His name was Werner, an auto mechanic. He fit my profile of a real man. He was so deliciously reckless. The first man who knew how to do things to my body. I was blown away. Schoolgirls as followers of new philosophies on the relationship between the sexes. They're all reading Valerie Solanas' SCUM Manifesto which turns men into slaves and a necessary evil for sex. Solanas makes women the heroines of the world. Esther Vilar's book is different: The Manipulated Man. It shows that the woman is the parasite, not the man. That she lies to him and cheats on him. That she turns him into her willing tool. Interesting perspectives in our tolerant world. But where do they lead when a half-informed schoolgirl makes them into her ideals? After that night, everything had changed for me. - Come on. - I'm not finished yet. Fuck it. Come on. Come. This is a good spot. I'm horny. Get undressed. - What if somebody comes by? - Get undressed and stop talking. What the hell? You don't tell me what to do. - I don't like that. - Forget it, girl. Bye. No, Werner. Stay. I didn't mean it. I'll get undressed. Keep going! - Do you like me? - Turn around. - Bend over, way over. - Please, not this way. I'm not forcing you. Stay, Werner. I'll do it. For you. Bend over. Witness how a schoolgirl who thinks she controls men and can turn them into sex objects becomes a victim herself. A victim of half-information and her own healthy sexual impulses. This is exactly where the man plays the dominant role. Once he realizes she's dependent, her fate's in his hands. This is also why many schoolgirls end up as prostitutes. By latest count, 80,000 in five years. Werner did me whenever and however he wanted it. Sometimes it was really humiliating. No, I don't want to. What the hell are you thinking? Don't you realize that you're trash? I'll take you whenever I want. You wanted to wear me out. But I wore you out. I'm the boss! Even on my way to school he'd catch up with me. Quick, do me. - I can't right now. - Why not? - I have to go to school. - Rubbish. I'll drop you off afterwards. See? You liked it. You just can't say no. I'm ashamed. I hate you. You treat me like a whore. I love whores who do it for free. I'll take you to school now. I know it's terrible, but I can't get away from Werner. I've wanted to so much, but I can't do it. Margot, this guy- He makes me sick. That's not true. He can be kind and very caring. But when he wants sex, my love doesn't mean anything. You're dependent on him. Get rid of him. I can't. As soon as we're together, I do whatever he says. You're stupid. Why don't you talk to your parents? My parents have enough problems. I have to do this on my own, or I'll die. Well, I haven't died yet. People can take a lot. - Have you gotten over him, Margot? - Honestly, no. But I'm trying. I told you so you could learn from it. Can you imagine yourself becoming sexually dependent on a man? Yes, unfortunately. If he's a good lover and good in bed I would eat out of his hand. I don't think so. A little orgasm isn't everything. Can you see yourself becoming sexually dependent on a man? Yes. No. How many men have you been with? Six... five too many. I hope you at least have a funny story. I didn't think it was funny at the time. I was about 15, and I wanted to do it, no matter what. It was a Friday night. There was no school on Saturday and I knew some tricks for getting my parents to let me stay out late. So? Shall we go to the English Garden? No, that's scary. That's silly. You got a better idea? - What about your pad? - I share it with my brother. - So what? - My brother is only 10. Shit. Down by the river there's an old wrecked VW. - We could do it there. - Are you crazy? When it's this cold, I can't do it. If I were a man, I could probably do it all the time. I think we should go home and postpone it till tomorrow. Tonight, I'm not in the mood. I'll get you so much in the mood that you'll scream. TO THE SCHOOL PREMISES ENTRANCE ONLY THE MAIN PORTAL Come on, don't be afraid. Man, what a great place. - Strange. - What? The lights are on. Where are we? At my school. My father is the janitor. You have cute nipples. This... is the principal's office. Why aren't they hard? It's just the two of us. This guy has a great office. Look. The old guy is a lush. He must have had a visitor recently. What if he comes back? He's not coming back. You never know. I'll dim the lights, okay? Or my father will catch us. Get undressed. I'm done for. Don't drink so much, or you won't be able to do it. I can always drink cognac. Let's see how good this couch really is. Just one more. But that's your last one. - What's wrong? - I have to step outside. - Do you? - Everyone has to once in a while. You'd like me to believe that. - Get those clothes off. - I'm ticklish. You nearly ripped my nose off! Now, I'll eat you up. Raped. If my mommy knew. Get out of these pants. Finally! Now let's see your thing! We'll get him to wake up. Where's that little birdie? Isn't the little one a bit curious yet? And now? Well? Don't you want to drink another one before we start? Before? No... after! And now step on it! I have to concentrate first. By the time you're ready, I'll be buying a Christmas tree. And now the final attempt! - A door! - Door? What door? - Somebody's coming. - Where can we hide? - The cabinet. - On my way. Principal? And Miss Pflaumchen? We're preparing for the next parent-teacher conference. Who's that? You'll be in trouble. But for now, get in! - Stop. - Sorry. Principal? Hello? He must be here. He said he had to work late. - Stockings? - And the lights were on too. Cognac. What's this? - These aren't my husband's clothes! - Yes, they are. Mr. Meier, don't take me for an idiot. My husband doesn't wear lace panties. No, I don't think so either. - Egon! - Principal. And Miss Pflaumchen. I can't believe it! You, and a principal. Working late? I'll teach you! You motherfucker! Messing around with Miss Pflaumchen. There's someone else. Open up or I'll use force. - Mr. Meier. Break it open. - Yes, ma'am. - My daughter! - Who are you, young man? - I'm innocent. - Molester. Elfi, that's a tall tale! You saw that in a movie, eh? TV, perhaps. Really creative, even if it isn't true. Sex is great. I'll do it when I want, without asking anyone. - If something happens? - That's what the pill is for. Nonsense. I'm not talking about that. We've heard what can happen when you have sex. You want to be a nun? Those are isolated cases. Sex isn't that dangerous. You don't think so, eh? I was lucky. It was at Oktoberfest. The following story is also true. Here's an example that should worry you parents out there. - A heart for the sweethearts. - Spare me that tripe. - I'll take this. - Here's your change. Keep it. - Shall we do it here? - Wherever you want. You're unbelievable. Get up! Get dressed! Quick! I'll kill you if you scream. Don't forget the doll. Come on. One false move, and I'll pump you full of lead, get it? - Hi, Karla. - Come along. Changing partners, eh? Where's Heinz, Karla? - He left. - Change is good. Come. What a weird guy. Get in there. We're all alone. Now we'll do what you did with your friend. Do me. I'm warning you. If you do as I say... I'll be very happy. Get undressed. Slowly. I want to enjoy it. I want to enjoy myself. Didn't I say slowly? Please, let me leave. Show me your body. Legs apart. Beautiful. How old are you anyway? Fourteen. Fourteen. My schoolgirl. You make me so happy. Once again, a schoolgirl has been victimized. Once again, we're asking whose fault it is. But this time, we provide an answer. Sex offenders find their victims in crowds. There's a reasonable law to protect minors in public. But the enforcement of this law relies on supervision parental supervision your supervision. Here, you share the blame. Would you let your 14 year-old daughter go to Oktoberfest alone? No. Drunken guys go after the girls. Parents who allow this are irresponsible. - How old are you? - Fourteen. Are you allowed to stay out at night? No, only until 10:00, but I always find an excuse that my parents believe. Are you allowed to stay out at night? Not long, sometimes. Like on weekends. - The entire night? - No. Makes you lose interest in Oktoberfest. You can only trust a man if you really love him. - Do you believe in finding the one? - Yes. I do believe in it. What is that anyway, "the one"? The one is the one I'm screwing. Stop it. You only care about fucking and orgasms. Let's be honest. We're all looking for a nice boy we can love. Now I'll tell you a story. It was a year go. It was fall. The girl I'm talking about was Beate Kemper. She was in love for the first time with a boy from the neighborhood, Peter Baumgartner. - Did I keep you waiting? - No problem. - Let's walk a bit. - Okay. Do you know what I want? That we'll always have each other. I love you. I'll always be with you, no matter what happens. I don't like not seeing you for a while but I have to go to the university in Munich. Listen. What is it? I'm scared, very scared. Don't talk like that. Let's go to my place. I have some great new records. Do you want to come? - Let's go then. - I'd follow you anywhere. - How long can you stay? - Not long. My father, you know. I know. I'm not good enough. I'm too poor. Not everyone has a big construction company like him. My dad is only an employee, but he's all right. - What's wrong? - It's already happened. That's my father's car. Has he come to see your father? No, Mr. Baumgartner. save it for someone who cares. Youthful friendships, harmless. Not at all. Your Peter is fooling around with my innocent Beate. She would be a great catch for him, but no way. - Mr. Kemper, are you saying- - Yes, I am. And as long as you don't put a stop to your son frankly, you're as guilty as he is. Mr. Kemper. This is outrageous and slanderous. I won't let some guy who's a nobody marry my only daughter so he can live off of the fortune I've built. You can boss your employees around, but this is my home. I won't be insulted by you. Fine. I'm leaving. But your son will keep his paws off my daughter. I'll hold you responsible. Well, well, well. A conspiracy. Now I get it. My daughter and the nice Mr. Baumgartner. And this is their love nest, eh? I'll report you, Mr. Baumgartner. I'll have you put behind bars, you pimp. - Father! - Shut up. Mr. Kemper. Look at this bum of yours. Leave my home at once. I will. Come, child. Father? It's better you don't see her again. It looked as if that was the end of their great love. But it wasn't. A few weeks later, Peter was in Munich studying. He was lucky. He'd found a nice room. Mr. Baumgartner. What a nice surprise. Mr. Baumgartner, you have a visitor. Beate. Come in. Come, sit down. Let me look at you. Your eyes. I've missed them so much. And your skin. I've missed your skin so much. How did you get to Munich? I ran away. Ran away from home. I couldn't stand it without you. I don't want to go back. - Mr. Baumgartner. - What is it? - What's your son's address? - None of your business. My daughter is gone. She's with him in Munich. - They plan to commit suicide. - Oh, my God. We have to go to Munich. My wife called me. Beate left a suicide note. - Can I come with you? - Of course. Come. If only time stood still. Why can't we be happy? I can't live without you. Me neither. And I don't want to. No one can keep us apart. No one. No. There's no other way for us. This must be it. - Peter! - Beate! - Why are you screaming? - Thank God, they're alive. We wanted to poison ourselves. But then we realized that life is too beautiful. Yes, too beautiful to have it destroyed by you. That was my story. Even if you think it's corny, I like it. Is it true? Yes, and it happens more often than you want to admit right now. Maybe Edith is right. A bit of romance is nice. It depends on your perspective. Come on, guys. Dinner's ready. This has been Schoolgirl Report 3. We think it was more critical and more daring. Surely, it has opened your eyes once more. For that reason, you needed to see it. And for that reason, everyone must see it. His name was Jeremiah Johnson. They say he wanted to be a mountain man. The story goes that he was a man of proper wit and adventurous spirit suited to the mountains. Nobody knows where he came from, and it don't seem to matter much. He was a young man and ghosty stories about the tall hills didn't scare him none. He was looking for a Hawkin gun, 50 caliber or better. He settled for a 30, but damn, it was a genuine Hawkin. You couldn't do no better. Bought a horse, traps and other truck that went with being a mountain man. And said goodbye to whatever life was down below. Where is it I could find bear, beaver, other critters worth cash skinned? Ride due west as the sun sets. Turn left at the Rocky Mountains. This here's his story. Jeremiah Johnson Made his way into the mountains Betting on forgetting All the troubles that he knew The trail was wide and narrow The eagle or the sparrow Showed the path he was to follow As it flew A mountain man's a lonely man And he leaves a lot behind It ought to have been different But you oftentimes will find That the story doesn't always go The way you had in mind And Jeremiah's story Was that kind "I, Hatchet Jack being of sound mind and broken legs do hereby leaveth my bear rifle to whatever finds it. Lord hope it be a white man. It is a good rifle and killed the bear that killed me. Anyway, I am dead. Yours truly, Hatchet Jack." A 50 caliber Hawkin! Come on, you. That'll be far enough, pilgrim! Where are you? You're a fine target, pilgrim! Empty your hand. I ain't seen no live man in 2 months. I am Bear Claw Chris Lapp. Blood kin to the grizzly that bit Jim Bridger's ass! You are molesting my hunt! I know who you are! You're the same dumb pilgrim I've been hearing for 20 days and smelling for 3! How come you ain't been scalped? Ain't been too lucky? This place has been trapped out since '25. Why are you here? I hunt griz. Grizzly bears, pilgrim. I collect the claws. I had one in that thicket. Ready to shake hands, until you came! I'm sorry, then. You look it! Hungry too? Come on. You know how to skin griz? I can skin most anything. You sure are cocky for a starving pilgrim. There she be. Go in, get warm, eat something. I've got a chore to finish. My boy! Are you sure that you can skin griz? Just as fast as you can find them. Skin that one, pilgrim, and I'll get you another! Must have missed another war down there. Didn't miss nothing. If I head due west tomorrow, will I find places to trap? If you head due west or any place tomorrow, you'll be starving in a week. You ain't likely to meet someone like me. Mountain's got its own ways. Use that skin pad, pilgrim, before you lose all your fingers. What you learned down in the flat will serve you no good up here. You got some work to do. Utes and Flatheads are generally peaceful critters. Crows, they are fearful. Mighty warriors too. In my opinion, the Crows are the handsomest Indians there is. And proud too. There ain't a man alive can match them on a horse. I've seen them ride with one foot on the horse's rump one wrist through a loop in the mane shooting arrows and guns under the horse's neck! But they are an adulterous people. Adulterous. Here you are, pilgrim. Sharp enough to scale a fish with. Ever get lonesome? For what? Woman? Full-time night woman? I never could find no tracks in a woman's heart. I packed a squaw for 10 years, pilgrim. Cheyenne, she was. And the meanest bitch that ever balled for beads! I lodgepoled her at Dead Wolf Creek and traded her for a Hawkin gun! Don't get me wrong, I love the women, I surely do! But I swear a woman's breast is the hardest rock the Almighty ever made on Earth and I can find no sign on it. Now these coals here will simmer until sunrise. You better go do likewise. Didn't put enough dirt down. Saw it right off. You track well, pilgrim. Kind of like it, don't you? Maybe. Figures. A human man likes tracking and killing. An Injun, he figures it's natural. Wind's right. But he'll just run, soon as we step out of these trees. Trick to it. Walk out on this side of your horse. What if he sees our feet? Elk don't know how many feet a horse has. No, you damn fool! Slide it up over the saddle! You got him, pilgrim! You nailed him clean. We got us an elk to skin! Can't figure people down there eating hog when they could feed on elk. Didn't like it down there? - Ought to have been different. - Is that so? Many a child journeys this high to be different. To get from here what their natures couldn't get them below. It comes to nothing. Can't cheat the mountain, pilgrim. Mountain got it... Probably Crow. They'll steal our horses unless we bribe them. It's their territory. They figure we're trespassing. Yep, Crow. Paints-His-Shirt-Red. That's his sign. Just stand still. You two know each other? I saw him once. He says you fish poorly. You understand their language? Paints-His-Shirt speaks English, he just does this to aggravate me. Says he's got enough bear claws. What's your name? Johnson. Your Christian name? Jeremiah. You've learned well, pilgrim. You'll go far. Providing you ain't burnt alive or scalped. I will do my best. You can cut wood and leave it up on the Judith. Riverboat captains will leave you gold if you put out a pouch. Good thing to know if times get hard. Watch your topknot. Watch yours. I told you not to go play outside. You got yourself all dirty and also, young lady without your shoes. And you, Josh dirty! Look at you! There, now! Mary Lou, you knew better than to go out in the sun... Have I told you not to go out without a bonnet on your head? You better stop there. Woman, I am your friend. We have graves to dig. You were borne on the wind today. Josh was being a bad boy. I must tell your father. Time to start the garden. If the wind would stop. We will now sing. Shall we gather at the river Where bright angel feet have trod With its crystal tide forever Flowing by the throne of God Yes, we'll gather at the river The beautiful, the beautiful river Gather with the saints at the river That flows by the throne of God Boy, did you see all this? Better get one of these biscuits, boy. I make damn good biscuits. Here's food. I could not find your husband anywhere, ma'am. So, maybe he will come back here. The Indians will not bother you now, on account of you are touched. They will be afraid. What about the boy? Maybe you and the boy best come with me now. I will take you down to the Judith. Put you on a ferry. Take him. - What? - Take him! Ma'am, I wouldn't know how to tend after... You got a name, boy? I will call you Caleb. It is a name I have always admired. You like that? Caleb? Do what you like. I was much the same myself. Damn! Are you all right? Sure, I got a fine horse under me! Got one of them feathers in my nose. Keep sneezing, it'll come out all right. Haven't seen anyone pass by recently, have you? Nobody's gone in front of me. Can't say what's happened behind me though. The Injuns put you here? It weren't Mormons. A chief, name of Mad Wolf. Nice fellow, don't talk a hell of a lot. You wouldn't have an extra hat on you, would you? Shade's getting scarce in these parts. Why did you shave your head? Mad Wolf figures like every other Injun I know. Says this scalp ain't fit for no decent man's lodgepole. Ain't the first time I protected my head in such a way. Name's Del Gue. With an "E." - When did they come through? - A few hours ago. I will be happy to see my horse. I hate walking. I knew you would help me get my pelts back. I wouldn't leave a man without a horse or gun. Ain't that Hatchet Jack's rifle? How did you get it? I found him, froze to a tree. Damn! That Hatchet Jack was a wild one. He was living with a female panther. Two years in a cave up in the Musselshell. She never did get used to him. That be them. - How many you figure? - Three. Just like before. Are you smelling them Blackfeet? No, I'm locating my horse. Dirtiest animal this side of hell. Come dark, you give me your pistol. Load that bear rifle full of nails. I got no truck with them Blackfeet. I plan to be here a long time. I do not want them down on me. Them critters hammered me into the ground. Took my rifle, horse. Stole my pelts. Not to mention what they done to that boy's folks! Then let it pass? Nope. But they'll be asleep soon. Should be no trouble to slip in there and then get your possibles. Use this blanket, boy. To keep you warm. He don't say a lot, does he? No. No. Stay here with the animals. I am Del Gue! I can whip my weight in wolverines straight through a crab apple orchard on a flash of lightning! You've stolen my pelts! And die, you must! You skinheaded son of a bitch, you almost got me killed! Where are you going? Don't you want any of these? What? Scalps! No. Mother Gue never raised such a foolish child. Stop that, boy. - What do you do with them scalps? - Sell them to the English. English? London is wallpapered with Injun scalps. - We could pull into those trees. - Don't go getting hasty. Them is Flatheads, and they've hurt nobody that I know. Just hold back. What's he saying? Says they're Blackfeet ponies. He asks if you are the great warrior who avenges the Crazy Woman in the Wolf Tail Valley. She's big medicine. And so are you, if you are that man. So what's he shouting for? Scared of you. - But how did you...? - I didn't know they'd be Flatheads. It's all right, boy. Chief here is named Two-Tongues Le Beau. Mighty educated too. French missionaries taught him their language. - Christian Indians? - Lots of them. He says the scalps are fierce and the horses are fleet. Take them. And the ponies. I have no further use for them. Damn fool, you may have cooked our brains! He brought us here to honor you and you want to give him a gift. If he cannot give you a better one, it'll be an insult. What's so funny? The danger is over. He has thought of a better gift. His daughter. Now you have a son, you need a wife. - I don't want no wife... - He says he'll be very happy. What is that word? Oh, yes! He may read the Bible, but he's still an Injun. And his rules is his rules. If you value your hair, you will get married! I do not think this is funny. It ain't. When you leave, you can take her to Fort Hawley and sell her. But you best take her, friend. Besides, maybe she ain't near bad. He says she's called The Swan, but she'll answer to anything you want. But maybe you need her. You turn down this gift, they'll slit you, me, Caleb and the horses from crotch to eyeball with a dull deer antler! Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Johnson. Your husband has told me so much about you. Congratulations, Two-Tongues. Wonderful wedding. Bye, Jeremiah Johnson! Where are you going? I wouldn't want to disturb your wedding night. I'll see you in the fall. Have a nice honeymoon, Mrs. Johnson. The way that you wander Is the way that you choose The day that you tarry Is the day that you lose Do you speak any English? I don't speak any Flathead. So don't bother me, neither of you! Sunshine or thunder A man will always wonder Where the fair wind blows Wondering about something? Go ahead, ask. Leave it be. Nothing wrong with quiet. Cooking sure don't smell like Bear Claw's. Tie him off, boy. Suppertime! Go on, boy, and eat. It's good for you. I'm full. You religious too? Religious. I'm not going to harm you. Religious. Yes. I'm not going to harm you. Ain't that a lot easier than saying all that gibberish? Great hunter. Fine figure of a man, yes? That is all you need to know. For now. You getting enough, boy? This wasn't my idea, you know? Lord! This'll do. River in front, cliffs behind. Good water. Not much wind. This will be a good place to live. Hawk. Going for the Musselshell. It'd take me a week's riding. And he'll be there in... Hell, he's there already. I wish you would see fit to stop the practicing of these ceremonies. Take notice of the traps and go fetch some proper food. And keep your nose open, there may be Indians about. Be going for buffalo soon. No, you'll stay here. Go on, fetch the rest of that wood. Swan, I cannot stand this weight. It will have to do. It will keep me warm in the strong wind. And the rain will not pass through neither. Thank you. You have beaver scent? What happened to your face? My beard? Watch this. Spring. There. Careful, that'll take your hand off. Put that smell down. Won't come around without the smell. Hell, don't run off. It's me. What? Skin this. Troop, halt! I'm Lieutenant Mulvey, Third Cavalry. That's Reverend Lindquist. We've been watched since we started to climb up from the Gila. Who are they, Flathead? I said, are they Flathead? - Did I say something? - No. It's been a long time since I had so much of the English language spoken at me. I ain't used to it. Crow. This is Crow land. This is the Department of Colorado. You're on good terms with them. Crow? Who gave you that idea? People talk about it down below. You live up here. I do that. And you know the high country. Do you know Feather Mesa? I do. So? We have wagons there. Three of them. Broke down in the snow and ice. We got to get them out of there before they freeze. Or the Indians get them. Would be wise. We were told that you would know how to get there. Through those passes. We were hoping that maybe... These are Christian families. Christian women and children, starving. Do you mean that you intend to let those people die? How's the war going? Which war? One against the President of Mexico. It's over. Who won? Did you hear something? Can't go through here. Why not? Crow burial ground. Sacred. We'll have to turn around and head east. How far east? Next pass. 20 miles or so. Those people are waiting for us! They're freezing, hungry and scared. Crow only come with medicine men and burying parties! - We are not Crows! - What would happen, Johnson? I don't know. I don't know. This is big medicine. They guard it with spirits. You don't believe that. It doesn't matter. They do. You've been up here too long, believing in this! What chance would I have finding a way through, just by riding west? Poor chance. Or none. Thanks all the same, Johnson, but we're riding through. Sergeant! Prepare to move! You won't make it. You have to hunt, you said. I have to try. Tell your men to keep behind me in single file. Tell them to go slow and stay quiet. Sergeant! Single file, slowly. Yes, sir. Keep them quiet. We seem to have escaped. How long have you been carrying your squaw? - Thank you... - Move them fast. Crow don't take kindly to trespassing. An Indian says you search in vain For what you cannot find He says you found 1000 ways Of running down your time An Indian didn't scream it He said it in a song And he's never Been known to be wrong Where's your mule that kicks holes in the sky and shakes off its saddle? Where's your slavering wolf of the rolling prairie? Here's your old grizzer brown bear can clobber bark off a gum tree. There's a man for you, Jeremiah Johnson. I'm half horse, half gator, and a touch of the earthquake. I got the prettiest gal, fastest horse ugliest dog this side of hell. I can outjump, outrun, throw down drag out and whip any man in all Kentucky. How you been, Jeremiah? Staying alive, Del. Ain't that hair I see on your head? It sure is. I've decided that when I depart from this life, I'd leave something. At least to be remembered on some man's lodgepole. Sound wisdom. Where you headed? Same place you are, Jeremiah. Hell in the end. With all them Injuns after you, I cannot brag about your campsite. You got old and scary since you growed hair on your head? What ever happened to that boy? The one that didn't talk much? Never did take him to Hawley. Stayed with that Injun gal all this time? She wasn't no trouble. Just like this, one at a time? You're lucky they were Crows. Apaches would send 50 at once. Amongst Injuns a tribe's greatness is figured on how mighty its enemies be. Maybe... Maybe you'd best go down to a town get out of these mountains. I've been to a town, Del. Which way now? Don't know. I hear the Big Belt in the Blue has beavers the size of bobcats. That so? I ain't never trapped either but sure would like to. You will do well, Del. You will do well. If you don't get in too much trouble with all that hair. Ain't this something? I told my pap and mam I was coming to the mountains to trap and be a mountain man. Acted like they was gut-shot. Says: "Son make your life go here. Here's where the people is. Them mountains is for animals and savages!" I said: "Mother Gue the Rocky Mountains is the marrow of the world." And by God, I was right. Yes, you were. Where you headed, Jeremiah? Canada, maybe. I hear there's land there a man has never seen. Keep your nose in the wind your eyes along the skyline. I will do that, Del Gue. I ain't never seen them, but my common sense tells me the Andes is foothills, and the Alps is for children to climb. Keep good care of your hair! These here are God's finest sculpturings and there ain't no laws for the brave ones! And there ain't no asylums for the crazy ones! And there ain't no churches except this right here. And there ain't no priests excepting the birds! I are a mountain man! And I'll live until an arrow or bullet finds me. And then I'll leave my bones on this great map of the magnificent... Right here, mister. Where's the Crazy Woman? She's gone. Walk over this way. Gone where? Dead. One of them mounds. Who are you? My name's Qualen. I'm a settler. Settler. What are you going to do? I do it when Indians are coming. You're him. Ain't you him? What's this? It's for you. If you be Johnson. A might early, ain't they? It ain't a grave like the other. More like a statue or a monument. We never see them. We never even hear them. We look and there's a new piece of bone or hide, or something's been left. So we know they've been here. Some say you're dead on account of this. Others say you never will be on account of this. It won't save anything. Sending them out to hide in the corncrib. What's on the spit? Grown particular? Not about feeding. Just the company I keep. Thank you kindly. You've come far, pilgrim. Feels like far. Was it worth the trouble? What trouble? You cook good rabbit, pilgrim. Cold up here. - What brings you up so high? - Griz. Avalanche took the cabin. Lost my mule. We swum out of it. But no matter. Weren't no griz left anyway. Would you happen to know what month of the year it is? No, I truly wouldn't. I'm sorry, pilgrim. March. Maybe April. March, maybe. I don't believe April. Winter's a long time going? Stays long this high. March is a green, muddy month down below. Some folks like it. Farmers mostly. You have done well to keep so much hair when so many are after it. I hope you will fare well. And some folks say He's up there still Toho Company, Ltd. Katsu Productions present The boat is leaving! Here! Come on! Oh, no! You can't bring a cart like that on board! I shall not. Fancy that! Will you stop crying like a baby? You've got clothes, eat fancy food, wear fancy outfits and make a good living. Aren't I right? Careful! Forget it! You've nothing worth saving. Forget it. Omatsu! Thank you. Lone Wolf and Cub Baby Cart To Hades Produced by Shintaro Katsu HisaharuMatsubara Original story by Koike Kazuo Goseki Kojima Director of photography Chishi Makiura Music by Hideaki Sakurai Fight choreography by Eiichi Kusumoto Starring: Tomisaburo Wakayama as Itto Ogami Go Kato as Kanbei Isao Yamagata, Michitaro Mizushima, Ichiro Nakaya Akihiro Tomikawa as the Child Directed by Kenji Misumi Don't you get any classy women or young girls coming this way? No need to be so impatient. It's not like we're in a hurry. Why don't we take our time and find some women along the way? Yeah, exactly. Joy is to be found in the moments between jobs. Once we're hired, though, we can't get away with much. It really is hot! How about having a drink with us, Kanbei? No thanks. Don't be like that. Join us, just for a drink. Drink! You're a strange fellow. You don't drink, you don't chase women. Why, then, are you a hired hand? What's in it for you? Look, we hired hands are in the employ of one lord today and another one tomorrow. We're just hired to guard them as they travel between Edo and their fiefs. Nothing but a bunch of temporary hirelings. Even if we wanted positions as normal samurai, the lords are poor and can't afford to give us a yearly stipend. So we're only hired when they need extra men for special occasions. There's prestige in being able to carry two swords, but it doesn't mean you're better than anyone else. You may have been a fine samurai before, but now you're just a hired hand. Why don't you take it easy and have some fun? You make it difficult for us when you act so po-faced! Chasing women is the best part of being in our line of work. If we didn't have that pleasure, we'd have thrown away our swords a long time ago. And the great things is, with all the women out on the road, we can screw around as much as we want and get away with it! No matter what, everything's fine once we're in the retinue of the daimyo who's hired us. Kanbei, come and join us! Oh! Fortune comes to those who wait! What do you want? We're hired hands. Hired hands? Yeah, that's what we are. If it's money you want, I'll give it to you. We don't want no stinking money. We aren't bandits. We won't steal anything. We just want to screw you. Stop! It's not like you're going to lose anything at all. The more you use it, the better it gets! - No! - We're doing you a favour! Somebody! Somebody, help! Help! Mother! I'll report this to the Deputy! What's going to happen if you report us to the Deputy? Because before you can do that, we'll be long gone. So fuck the Deputy, I say! - Come here. - Help, somebody! Why don't you just give up and let us have you? Close your eyes for 15 minutes and it'll all be over. Somebody help! Let me go! No! No! Please, not my daughter! No! Let me go! Let me go! Help! How's this? You scum! You scum! How could you do this to my lady and her mother? I'll slice you to death! -I'll kill you! -Wait! If you touch us, do you know what will happen to you? Exactly! We're employed by Lord Mizuno of the Kariya Clan. Your actions are unforgivable! I don't care if you work for Lord Mizuno! I'll kill you all! Stop! Stop! -Kanbei! -Help us! Damn you! Please close your eyes. Kanbei? -You didn't have to kill them. -This is awful. Each of you, take one. If you don't, I'll slay all three of you. You die, Jukkan. Why just me? You picked the short straw. You'll be the thief who attacked a mother and daughter and their companion. After killing the three of them, you were slain by the three of us, who happened to be passing by. That way, the local officers will be satisfied and all will be settled. Help me! I regret that you had to witness this awful scene. Forgive me. You act more like a samurai than a hired hand. "Like a samurai"? I was once in charge of the Okaga Clan of the Maruoka Fief in Echizen. My name is Kanbei Magomura. If I may ask, what is yours? My name is Itto Ogami. Just as I thought. You were once the Official Executioner of the Shogunate. I recall seeing you this past year inside the gates of Edo Castle. I, too, recall hearing your name. i understand you're a matchless master of the Kage Style. You're too kind, sir. A fine warrior of your calibre, why are you a hired hand? We need not concern ourselves with that. For now, I'd like to request a duel. For what reason? Because you have witnessed what I've done here. Whether or not I'm a hired hand, as long as you know who's hired me, then I must protect my master and his clan, like any warrior would, even if it means putting my life on the line. Having said that, I am following the Way of the Warrior. And so, I am requesting a duel. If I let you leave, if I let you live on... No, even if it was done to preserve my master's honour, by killing those innocent people, I have strayed from the Way of the Warrior. Once again, please accept my challenge. Hey, Kanbei is calling you out! -Why don't you have a duel? -Answer us? Silence! He's not your opponent! If perchance I should prevail, rest assured that I will take care of your son as long as I breathe. I ask that there be no need for such concerns. We, father and son, live the life of demons. We're prepared to cross to the netherworld. You live the life of demons? I am inspired by your words. If I am fated to die here, I shall do so without regret. Well, then. Let us begin. This duel we'll call it a draw. For what reason? You are a true warrior, one whom I hope will live on. "A true warrior"? Once again, I have lost a chance to die. Taste good? I bet you've not had rice that often. Women are flowers, and they ought to bloom. Instead of scratching out a living like poor farmers, like flowers, you ought to bloom and bring delight to men. That's a better life, I'd say. Your feet must hurt. It's been a long trip. All right, just wait a minute. When your feet are tired, at such times, applying salt and then warming them over a fire will help a lot. Here we are... Let me see your legs. Come on! If you get tired and become unable to walk, I'll be in deep trouble. So just be still. lt won't take long to make them better. What's wrong with you? Stop! -Be quiet! -No! I bought you, you belong to me! I can use you however I please! There's blood on you. Room inspection! Please excuse us. There's been a murder. We're searching for a female culprit. We must check this room, too. Wait. What if the culprit isn't found in here? We're here to conduct an investigation. Do you wish to make a complaint? This is not a complaint. Even though this is an inn, as long as I've paid for this room, this is my home, this is my castle. Whether you're officers or not, you must respect that. That is what I am asking of you. A damned ronin like you shouldn't talk to me like that! What if the suspect is in there? It's equally criminal to hide a suspect, is it not? Exactly! Allow me to check. If she's not here, then you can have my head. No complaints! -What's this? -He's been a bad boy. Your head.... I'll claim it now. Move aside! It's safe to leave. Thank you very much, sir! We all walk along different paths in life. For my boy, there's his way. For you, there's a way that you must pave for yourself. Go now. Yes, sir. Thank you. There she is! Hold her down! Wait! This room belongs to the samurai. We must show respect. -Don't act so carelessly. -Yes, madam. My name is Torizo of the Koshio family. We run the entertainment district from here to Kariya. We're "Bohachimono", merchants specialising in adult entertainments. That girl was the property of our man, Monkumatsu. We'd appreciate it if you'd hand her over to us. I refuse. Honourable samurai we are what the public refer to as "Bohachimono". Do you know what that means? The Bohachimono have lost all traces of eight things, piety, respect, honest, trust, justice, courtesy, uprightness and shame. In other words, we're a group of ruthless outcasts. Win or lose, in the end, opposing us is a fool's game. In any case, you won't be dishonouring yourself in the slightest by handing the girl over to us. Therefore, I ask for your cooperation. After all, she murdered Monkumatsu. I said that I refuse. Because of that memorial tablet you were carrying, this samurai felt compelled to protect you. Now, come with us. Why can't you be more cooperative? If you persist in this folly, the samurai and his child will have to die for you. It is the code of the Bohachimono not to cause any harm to good people. As you've been bought, you're one of us now. Come with us now! If you won't hand her over... -Enough! -You don't seem to understand me. This is what we get for being polite to people. You'd sacrifice both yourself and your child just to save this girl? Why do you insist? We're bound by the evil of a memorial tablet. Because of one such similar tablet, I have lost much of what gave meaning to my life. That is the reason why. -Kill him! -Wait! You are all dear to me, I couldn't let you face such a master swordsman. Honourable samurai... as Bohachimono, we have our pride, too. We can't leave things unsettled like this. Yet I can't sacrifice my men over a mere girl. Let us do this... The girl becomes a woman when she serves her first customer. Her debut, as we like to call it, will bring us a lot of money. So, we can let her go, as soon as she fulfils this obligation. Well? I refuse. if you find that unacceptable, there remains only one way. She must fulfil her obligation by undergoing water torture and beating. Though this might kill her. I'll endure the torture on her behalf. But... It's said that to help a sick colleague a prostitute would take over her responsibilities. There's no rule that a substitute can't volunteer. What if... What if we decide to kill you along the way? What would you do? If that is to be my fate, only time will tell. Life or death, only fate can decide this. Begin! Now, beat him. Honourable sir! Pa. He's not just strong, he's got real spirit. It was us who were scared, not him. He didn't even let out a single groan. I thought real samurai like him were no more but they still exist in this world. Right. We've settled the matter of her becoming a prostitute. But one thing remains, the fact that she killed Monkumatsu. What is it you want? If you do a favour for me, then we'll be even. Ogami-san... While we were torturing you, I suddenly remembered something. That the Shogun's Official Executioner, after confronting the Yagyu Clan, was now roaming the countryside as an assassin called Lone Wolf and Cub. This way. The honourable Itto Ogami is here. Help me up. I am Tatewaki Miura, the former Chief Vassal of the Kakegawa Clan. To tell you the truth, I have been looking for you. I'm sure that you remember. You are the one who cut off his left arm. The Official Executioner of the Shogunate, Itto Ogami. Our Lord Fujishige Miyake suddenly became demented and went on a rampage. Many of my fellow vassals were killed, and therefore the Shogunate ordered him to commit seppuku. No! No! I don't want to die! Lord, please remain silent! Lord! Let me go! That hurts! It hurts! Now! Now! Now! Please, please, just proceed! No! What is your relationship to Lord Miura? I apologise for not mentioning this sooner. I am his daughter. I am Tori, the younger of twins. Twins are undesirable and despised. A certain woman with strong ties to the Koshio family raised me. My sister had served the Lord closely, and because she had learned his secrets, Chamberlain Genba Sawatari raped her to obtain them. Soon after, she committed suicide. What do you want from me? We want you to slay him, Genba Sawatari, presently the Deputy of Totomi. I ask that you tell me your reason. Genba used our clan as a pawn and then destroyed us. He's now the Deputy of Totomi, but he was once our clan's chamberlain. I'm sure that you understand. For his own personal gain, he had the temerity to secretly report our lord's derangement to the Elder Itakura. When our clan fell, the Shogunate took control of our territory, and he was then awarded the post of Deputy. He's worse than a beast! When I think about the 400 samurai now without a master, as the former Chief Vassal, I feel so helpless. I can't die, even if I wanted to. Please. I ask that you carry out our request. I accept, for 500 gold pieces. Totomi Springs: 1 league When Itto Ogami saw the demonic amulets that we'd placed, he made these signs to guide us to the meeting place. Our responsibilities are grave. Do you understand? I am Officer Junai Asada of the Totomi Deputy's Office. I am Itto Ogami. There is a matter which Deputy Genba wishes to discuss with you, and I have been ordered to escort you to the Deputy's office. That is why we're here. The Deputy wants to see me personally? Yes, sir. Please come with us. Will he come? There'll be trouble if he doesn't. If he doesn't, we'll take the matter into our own hands. If you'll permit me to explain, Honourable Elder. If there existed a clan lord unable to govern his people, a lord without a successor, furthermore, one who has murdered many, if this lord were also a madman, how would you, sir, or the Shogunate handle such a case? If I told you that it would be possible for you to destroy such a clan, what would you do, Honourable Elder Itakura Naizen-no-sho? And the clan is...? That I cannot reveal. Just where do you think you are? If it turns out that what you're telling me is a hoax... Sir, I will stake my life on it. What is it that you seek? The post of District Deputy. And to have you, the honourable Elder, put that in writing. You ask for this, but without proof. I shall return with the proof, sir, once I have your written guarantee. Very well. I'll be blunt with you. I want you to kill the Elder Itakura Naizen-no-sho. He'll be in this region any day now. After all, it was I, the new Deputy, who extended an invitation to him. 500 gold pieces in advance. And when you are done, 500 more. It was Itakura who allied himself with the Yagyu Clan to topple you. I am sure you bear a grudge against him. I believe that this is your chance for revenge. Well? I must refuse. Wait! Now that you know our intentions, we cannot let you leave alive. I shall return at a later date. Why didn't you slay him? There were two of you. Why couldn't you kill him? If I'd attacked him, his torso-cutting sword would have pierced right through you, sir. It would have been the same if Kuchiki had fired. Ogami's skills are to be feared. I wonder why he refused, though. He could have refused before being escorted here. Why didn't he refuse until he met me? Maybe the mention of Elder Itakura's name frightened him... Itakura Naizen-no-sho. If it's me that he's after, if it's an assassination plot... He carried a firearm on his person at all times. He even presented me with one for my own protection. I'm afraid this may be the handiwork of Itto Ogami. The Sui-O School horse-slaying technique. So it was Itakura Naizen-no-sho after all. He has hired Ogami to kill me. Samon, can you kill him? Using my Ichiden style sword-drawing technique, I'll stake my life on it. Close all the roads and find ltto at any cost! Do not let him escape from our territory. Yes, sir! Junai... Send a messenger at once to Edo, to Lord Retsudo of the Shadow Yagyu clan. For Ogami's head, the Yagyu Clan will pay almost any price. If we deliver it, those shadowy manipulators of the nation will be indebted to us. Then being made a Provincial Officer or Commissioner would be a trifle and the road to power within the Shogunate would be open. For the late Master Ozunu, leader of the Kurokuwa group! Itto Ogami! Kill him! This is the work of Itto Ogami. I am Samon Ikiji of the Tamiya Ichiden Style. I am Itto Ogami, Sui-O Style. Junai? Request assistance from the Kariya Clan at once. Tell them that we require only their most able warriors. One more thing. Post public notices at all district offices. In order to lure Itto Ogami to Jizogahara. Anyone confident in his swordsmanship? Well? No one? What for? Well, some assassin has entered the territory of an adjacent fief, and he's stalking their Deputy, so we're giving them some support. The pay's good. Well? Speak up! -What is the assassin's name? -That much I don't know. Are you going or not? Very well. I'll go. He doesn't stand a chance. So why does he keep advancing? He's not running away or trying to hide from the muskets and arrows facing him. Daigoro... We are at the crossroads to hell. Archers! Daigoro! Musketeers! Fire! Charge! How remarkable that you have triumphed here. How remarkable that you're still alive, Itto Ogami. However, you and your child will not live to see another sunrise. There is no escape for you from the Yagyu Clansmen! Lord Ogami, you are an assassin, you receive money to kill. I am a hired hand, I receive money for my services. What is the way of the "True Warrior" that you spoke of? And does such a warrior exist? I am prepared to stake my life in search of the answer. Once again, I request a duel. I accept. Let us begin. A moment... There's one thing I must ask you. Speak. This past year, my Lord Munetada had been offered the post of Elder and was on his way to Edo. We were attacked by a mob of ronin. It was a plot by those who opposed my lord's promotion to Elder. We were greatly outnumbered, so in order to mount a defence our best hope lay in a bold attack. I ran forth to slay them. I fought with all my might and drove the enemy back. But the fact that I had advanced to slay them, leaving my lord's side, was judged undutifuI and unworthy of a samurai. Before I realised it, I had become a disgrace to my clan. I was dedicated to my lord, I had risked my life to protect him, and he expelled me from the clan. What was the way of the true warrior? To die defending my lord, even when it was clear that it was a hopeless cause? The Way of the Warrior, it is not about how one lives, but how one dies, surely? Lord Ogami, will you tell me? What is the true Way of the Warrior? Lord Ogami what is the true...? The true Way of the Warrior is... to live to die. "To live to die." If I had been in your position I would certainly have attacked. It heartens me to hear those words from you. Lord Ogami would you allow a lowly being such as myself to request that you, once the Official Executioner, act as my second? For those who know the true Way of the Warrior rank does not exist. I shall grant your request. Finally, I can die as a warrior with no regrets! I am ready. No, you mustn't go, my lady! Please don't go! He isn't human! He's a monster! My lady! Crows cried in the night "Someone is going to die" From the netherworlds come the gods of death The wolf and his Cub The wolves are coming Their footsteps approach The wolf and Cub are coming They're coming They're coming The End Toho Co., Ltd. Presents A Katsu Production Production The boat is leaving! Here! C'mon! Oh, no! No, Mister Ronin! You can't bring a cart like that aboard! I shall not. Well, fancy that! Would you quit crying like a baby? ! You've got clothes... You'll eat fancy food, wear fancy outfits and make a good living... How many times have I told you? Aren't I right? Watch out! Forget it! You don't have anything worth saving anyway. Forget it... Omatsu! Thank you. "Kozure Okami" "Lone Wolf and Cub" "Shinikaze ni Mukau Ubaguruma" (Perambulator Against the Winds of Death) "Baby Cart to Hades" Produced by Katsu Shintaro Matsubara Hisaharu Screenplay by Koike Kazuo Original Story by Koike Kazuo Kojima Goseki Director ofPhotography: Makiura Chishi. Sound Recording: Hayashi Tsuchitaro. Lighting: MimaHiroshi Art Director: Nishioka Yoshinobu. Music: Sakurai Hideaki. Main Theme: ToshibaRecords Editing: Taniguchi Toshio. Fight Choreography: Kusumoto Eichi. Sound Effects: Kurashima Yo Script Supervisor: MatsudaMitsuko. Asst. Director: Nabei Toshihiro. Production Manager: Ïnagaki Toyohiko Special Effects: Shishido Group. Props: Maki Kazuo Stills: Tsuzuki Terutaka Makeup: Yumoto Hideo Tanaka Toshio Film Developing: Tokyo Laboratories Starring: Wakayama Tomisaburo as Ogami Itto Kato Go Hama Yuko Yamagata Isao Mizushima Michitaro Nakatani Ichiro Tomikawa Akihiro Kato Sayoko HamamuraJun · Kusano Daigo ·Wazaki Toshiya NawaHiroshi · Umezu Sakae Date Saburo · Yamatani Hatsuo · Otabe Michimaro Horikita Yokio · Sakaguchi Toru Iwata Tadashi · Shiraha Daisuke · Akiyama Katsutoshi Ibuki Shingo · Ando Naoki · Ashizawa Takako Awachi Daisuke · Shiga Masaru · Terauchi Fumio Kikuno Masayoshi · Baba Katsuyoshi · Arakawa Kiroko Directed by Misumi Kenji Aw... shit! Don't classy women or young girls come this way at all? ! There's no need to be so impatient. It's not like we're in a hurry... Why don't we take our time, and get laid along the way? Yeah, exactly. Joy is to be found in the moments between jobs. Once we're hired, though, we can't get away with much, you know. But really... it sure is hot! How about having a drink with us, Kanbei...? Well? No thank you. Don't say that. Well? Why won't you join us, just for a drink? Drink up! You sure are a strange fellow. You don't drink... and you don't go after women. Why, then, are you a watari-kashi... what's in it for you? "Watari-kashi:" Samurai wihout a stipend, hired on a temporary basis. Look... we watari-kashi are in the employ of one Daimyo today, and another one tomorrow we're just hired to guard them as they travel between Edo and their fiefs. Nothing but a bunch of temporary hirelings. Even if we wanted to gain a position as a normal samurai the Daimyo are poor, and can't afford to give us a yearly stipend... So we're only hired when they need extra men for special occasions. It's a prestigious thing to be able to carry the two swords but it doesn't mean you're better than anyone else... You may have been a fine samurai before but now you're just a watari- kashi, no better than us. Why don't you try to take it easy, and have some fun? You make it difficult for us when you act so stuffy. Getting laid is just about the best part of being in our line of work. If it weren't for that, we'd have thrown away our swords a long time ago. Yeah, and the great thing is, with all the women out on the road we can screw around as much as we want, and get away with it. No matter what, every- thing is OK once we're in the retinue of the Daimyo who's hired us. Kanbei, why won't you join us? Oh! "Fortune comes to those who wait!" Oh! Oh! Oh! Wh... What do you want? ! We're watari-kashi... W... Watari-kashi! Yup. Watari-kashi is what we are. If it's money that you want, I'll give it to you... We don't want no stinkin' money. We aren't bandits! We aren't gonna steal anything. We just wanna screw you a little. Stop! It's not like you're gonna lose anything at all on the contrary, the more you use it, the better it gets! No! No! It's like we're doing you a favor! Somebody! Somebody, help! Help! Mother! I'll report this to the Deputy! Oh, what's gonna happen if you report us to the Deputy? 'Cause, before you can do that, we'll be long gone. So, "Deputy my ass," I say! So come spend some time with us! Help, somebody! Why don't you just give up and let us do you? Close your eyes for fifteen minutes or so... and it'll be all over! Somebody, help! Let me go! No! No! Please, not my daughter! No! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Help! Help! C'mon! Let me go! How's this? Why, you scum... What the...? ! You scum! How could you do this to my lady and her mother? ! I'll slice you to death! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! W... Wait! If something happens to us... do you know what will happen to you? Exactly! We're employed by Lord Mizuno of the Kariya Clan in Sanshuu. It's unforgivable! I don't care whether or not you work for Lord Mizuno... I'll kill you all! Stop! Stop! K... Kanbei! K... Kanbei! H... Help us! Damn you! Please, close your eyes. K... Kanbei... Y... You didn't have to kill them... Y... You didn't have to kill them... This is awful! Each of you, take one... If you don't, I'll slay all three of you. You'll die, Jukkan. Wh... Why just me? ! You picked the short straw. You'll be the thief who attacked a mother and her daughter and their companion. After killing the three, you were slain by the three of us who happened to be passing by. That way... the local officers will be satisfied and all will be settled. H... Help me! I regret that you had to witness this horrible scene... Forgive me. You act more like a true samurai warrior than a watari-kashi. "Like a samurai?" I was once in charge of the Okaga-Group of the Maruoka-Clan in Echizen... My name is Magomura Kanbei. If I may ask, what is yours? My name is Ogami Itto. Just as I thought. You were once the Official Executioner of the Shogunate. I recall seeing you this past year, inside the gates of Edo Castle. I, too, recall hearing your name. I understand that you're a matchless master of the Kage Style. You're too kind, sir. A fine warrior of your caliber why are you a watari-kashi? We need not concern ourselves with that. For now, I'd like to request a duel. For what reason? As you've witnessed what I've done here, I must ask this of you. Whether or not I'm a watari-kashi as long as you know who's hired me then I must protect my master and his Clan, like any warrior would even if it means putting my life on the line. That having been said you must realize that I am following the Way of the Warrior. And so, I am requesting this duel. If I let you leave if I let you... live on... No... even if it was done to preserve my master's honor by killing those innocent people, I have strayed from the Way of the Warrior. Once again, please accept my challenge. Hey, Kanbei is calling you out! Why don't you have a duel? ! Can't you even answer? ! Silence! He's not your opponent. If, perchance, I should prevail... be assured that I will take care of your son as long as I breathe. I ask that there be no need for such concerns. We... father and son... live the life of demons we're prepared to cross to the netherworlds. "Live the life of demons?" I am inspired by your words. If I am fated to die here, I shall do so without regret. Well, then... Let us begin. This duel we'll call it a draw. For what reason? You are a true warrior, one whom I hope will live on. "A true warrior?" Once again... I have lost a chance to die. How is it, good? I bet you've not had rice that often. Women are flowers... and they ought to bloom. Instead of scratching out a living as poor farmers, you, like a flower ought to bloom, and bring delight to men. That'd be a better life, I'd say. I bet your feet hurt... it's been a long trip, after all. Alright, you just wait a minute... When your feet are tired at such times, applying salt, and then warming them over the fire or rubbing it in real good will help a lot. Here, shall we? Let me see your legs. C'mon, your legs! Should you get too tired along the way and become unable to walk I'll be in deep trouble! So, just be still... It won't take long to make 'em better. What's with this...? Stop! Be quiet! Be quiet! No! Let me go! No! Let me go! I've bought you! You belong to me! No! Let me go! I can do as I please... I can use you however I want to! You got blood on you. Room-lnspection! Please excuse this rude interruption. There's been a murder. We're searching the rooms for a female culprit. We must check this room, too. Wait... What if the culprit is not in here? We're here to conduct an investigation. Do you wish to make a complaint? This is not a complaint. Even though this is an inn, as long as I've paid for this room this is my home... this is my castle. Officers or not, you must respect that. That is what I am asking of you. A damned ronin like you shouldn't talk like that! What if the suspect is in there? It's equally criminal to hide a suspect, is it not? Exactly! Allow me to check... If she's not here... then you can have my head! No complaints now! W... What's this? ! He's in there because he was being a bad boy. Your head... I'll claim it now. Move it! It's safe for you to leave now. Thank you very much, sir! We all walk along different paths in life. For him, there's his way... For you, there's a way that you must pave for yourself... Go now. Yes, sir. Thank you. Oh! There she is! Hold her down! Wait! This room belongs to the samurai. We must show respect. We must not act so carelessly! Yes, madam. My name is Torizo, of the Koshiou Family. We run the entertainment district that spans from here to Kariya. We're the group known as the "Boohachimono..." "Boohachimono:" merchants specializing in various "adult" entertainments. That girl was the property of our man, Monkumatsu. We'd appreciate it if you'd hand her over to us. I refuse. Sir... We are what the public refer to as "Boohachimono..." Do you know just what that means? The "Boohachimono" are those who have lost all traces of 8 things: Piety, respect, honesty, trust justice, courtesy, uprightness, and shame. In other words... we're a group of ruthless outcasts. Win or lose, in the end opposing us is a fool's game. In any case, you won't be dishonoring yourself in the slightest by handing the girl over to us. Therefore, I ask for your cooperation. After all, she murdered Monkumatsu. I said that I refuse. Because of that memorial tablet you were carrying this gentleman felt compelled to protect you. Now, come with us. Why can't you be more cooperative? ! If you persist in this folly... they... the samurai and his child will have to die for you. It is the code of the Boohachimono to not cause any harm to good people. As you've been bought, you're one of us now. Come, will ya! If you won't hand her over to us... Enough! Enough! You don't seem to understand me! This is what we get for being so polite... You'd sacrifice both yourself and your child just to save a girl? Why do you so insist? We're bound by the evil of a memorial tablet... Because of one such tablet we once had we've lost much of what gave meaning to our lives. That is the reason why. Kill him! Kill him! Wait! You fellows are all dear to my heart so I can't let you face such a master swordsman. Sir... as Boohachimono, we have our pride, too. We can't just leave, with things unsettled like this. Yet, I can't sacrifice my men over a girl. Let us do this... "Joro:" an entertainer, almost always a prostitute. The girl becomes a woman when she serves her first customer as a "joro." Her "debut," as we'd like to call it, will bring us a lot of money. So, we can let her go, as soon as she completes this obligation. Well? I refuse. If you find that unacceptable, there remains only one way. She must complete her obligation by undergoing... "Buri-buri:" the victim is swung on a rope and beaten until unconscious. ...the tortures of water and "buri-buri." Though, this might kill her. I'll endure the torture on her behalf. But... It's said that, to help a sick colleague a joro would take over her responsibilities. There's no rule that a substitute can't volunteer, is there? What if... What if we decide to kill you along the way... what would you do? If that is to be my fate, only time will tell... Life or death, only fate can decide this. Begin! Now... Buri-buri. Sir! I... I... Pa... He's not just strong... the guy's got real guts! It was us who were scared, not him! He didn't even let out one groan... I didn't realize that there were still samurai like this in this world... Right. We've settled the matter of her becoming a joro. But one thing remains... the fact that she killed Monkumatsu. What is it that you want? If you'd do us a favor, then we'll be square. Sir Ogami... While we were putting you through the Buri-buri, a rumor came to mind. That the Official Executioner of the Shogunate had after confronting the Yagyu Clan been roaming the countryside as the assassin called "Lone Wolf and Cub." This way, please. The honorable Ogami Itto is here. Help me get up. I am Miura Tatewaki, the former Chief Vassal of the Kakegawa Clan. To tell you the truth, I have been looking for you. I'm sure that you remember... You are the one who cut off his left arm. The Official Executioner of the Sho- gunate, the honorable Ogami Itto. Our Lord Miyake-Dewanokami Fujishige suddenly became demented and went on a rampage. Many of my fellow vassals were killed and therefore, the Shogunate officially ordered him to commit seppuku. No! No! I don't want to die! Lord! Please remain quiet! Lord! Let me go! That hurts! It hurts! Now! Now! Now! P... Please... please... just... proceed! No! What is your relationship to Sir Miura? I apologize for not mentioning this sooner... I am... his daughter. I'm Tori, the younger of twins. Twins are undesirable, and are despised. A certain woman with strong ties to the Koshiou Family raised me. My sister had... served the Lord closely and because she had learned some of his secrets Chamberlain Sawatari Genba raped her to obtain them and soon after... she committed suicide. What is it that you want from me? We want you to slay him... Sawatari Genba, presently the Deputy of Tootoomi. I ask that you tell me your reason. Genba used our Clan as a pawn... and then destroyed us... He's now the Deputy of Tootoomi but he was once our Clan's Chamberlain I'm sure that you understand. For his own personal gain... he had the temerity to report, in secrecy our lord's derangement to the Elder Itakura. When our Clan fell, the Shogunate took control of our territory and then, he was awarded the post of Deputy. He's worse than a beast! When I think about the four hundred samurai now without a master as the former Chief Vassal, I feel so powerless. I can't die even if I wanted to. Please... I ask that you carry out our request. I accept... for 500 gold pieces. "Ri:" approximately 4 km. Tootoomi Springs: 1 Ri. When Ogami Itto saw the demonic amulets we placed he made these signs to guide us to the meeting place. Our responsibilities are grave. Do you understand? Our responsibilities are grave. Do you understand? I am Officer Asada Juunai of the Tootoomi Deputy's Office. I am Ogami Itto. There is a matter which Deputy Sawatari Genba wishes to discuss with you and I have been ordered to escort you to the Deputy's office. That is why we're here tonight. The Deputy wants to see me personally? Yes, sir. Please come with us. Will he come? We'll be in trouble if he doesn't. If he doesn't... then we shall take the matter into our own hands... If you'll permit me to explain, Honorable Elder. If there exists a Clan Lord... one who is unable to govern his people a Lord without a successor furthermore, one who has murdered many... If there is a Lord who is such a madman how would you, Sir, or the Shogunate, handle such a case? If... I tell you that it's possible for you to destroy such a Clan what would you do, Honorable Elder Itakura Naizen-no-sho? And the Clan is...? That... I cannot reveal. Fellow... just where do you think you are? If it turns out that... what you're telling me is a hoax... Sir, I will stake my life on it. What is it that you seek? The post of District Deputy and... to have you, the honorable Elder, put that in writing. You ask... but without proof... You ask... but without proof... The proof, sir that, I shall return with later, once I have your written guarantee. Very well. I'll be blunt with you... I want you to kill the Elder Itakura Naizen-no-sho. He'll be in this area any day now. After all, it was I, the new Deputy, who extended an invitation to him. 500 gold pieces in advance. And when you are done... 500 more. It was Itakura Naizen-no-sho who allied himself with the Yagyu to topple you. I am sure that you bear a grudge against him. I personally believe that this is your chance for revenge. Well? Well? I must refuse. Wait! Now that you know our intentions, we cannot let you leave alive. I shall return at a later date. Why did you not slay him? There were two of you. Why could you not kill him? If I'd attacked him, his Dootanuki sword would've pierced right through your heart, sir. It would've been the same if Sir Kuchiki had fired. Ogami's abilities are to be feared. I wonder, however... why did he refuse? He could've refused before being escorted here... Why didn't he refuse until he met me? Either the mention of Elder Itakura frightened him... Itakura Naizen-no-sho if he's after my life if it's an assassination plot, then... Huh? He was a man who always carried a gun on his person, at all times... He even gave me one for my own protection. I'm afraid this may be the handiwork of Ogami Itto. Suiouryu - Horse-Slaying Technique... So, it was Itakura Naizen- no-sho, after all... He has hired Ogami to kill me! Samon... can you kill him? Using my Ichidenryu Style, Battoujutsu technique... "Ichidenryu Battoujutsu:" Tamiya-Traditional Style Sword-throwing technique. ...I'll stake my life on it. Close all the roads, and find Itto at any cost! Do not let him escape from our territory! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Juunai... Send a messenger out at once to Edo to Lord Retsudo of the Yagyu Shadow-Clan. Yes, sir. For Ogami's head... the Yagyu will pay almost any price. If we deliver it, they will be indebted to us they who are the shadowy manipulators of the nation. Then... being made a Provincial Officer or Commissioner would be a trifle and the road to power within the Shogunate would be nicely paved. For the late Master Ozunu... The Leader of the Kurokuwa Group! Ogami Itto! Kill him! This is the work of Ogami Itto. I am lkiji Samon, Tamiya Ichidenryu Style. I am Ogami Itto, Suiouryu Style. Juunai... Juunai... Yes, sir. Go and request assistance from the Kariya Clan at once. Tell them that we request only the most able of their warriors. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. One more thing... Post public notices at all district offices. Sir? To lure Ogami Itto to Jizo-gahara. Er... Anyone confident in his swordsmanship? Well...? No one? Just what's up? Well, some assassin has entered the territory of an adjacent fief and he's stalking their Deputy... So we will be lending them a hand. The pay will be good. Well? Speak up! What is the assassin's name? That much I don't know. Are you going or not? Fine. I'll go. H... Horrible! He doesn't stand a chance! Why then, does he keep on going? ! He's not running away or trying to hide even when so many guns and arrows lie ahead. Daigoro... We've entered the cross- roads to Hell... Archers! Daigoro! Gunners! Fire! Charge! How remarkable it is that you have triumphed here... How remarkable it is that you're still alive, Ogami Itto! However... you and your child will not live to see another sunrise! There's no way you can get away from us... the Yagyu Clansmen! Sir Ogami... You are an assassin, one who receives money to kill. I am... a watari-kashi, one who receives money to lend a hand. What is the way of the "True Warrior" that you spoke of? And, does such a being exist? I want the answers, and for them I am prepared to stake my life. I ask once again... a duel, please. I accept. Let us begin. A moment... There's one thing I'd like to know. Speak. It was this past year... when my Lord Munetada who had been offered the post of Elder was on his way to Edo... We were attacked by a mob of ronin... It was a plot by those who opposed my Lord's promotion to Elder. As we were greatly outnumbered, in order to mount a defense our best hope lay in a bold attack. I ran out to slay them! I fought with all my might, and drove our enemies away... But, the fact that I... a guard... had gone ahead to slay them leaving our Lord's side... was judged undutiful, unworthy of a warrior. Before I realized it, I had become a disgrace to my Clan! He to whom I had dedicated my whole life... He whom I risked my life to protect... expelled me from the Clan! What was the way of the True Warrior...? To stay with my Lord, to die defending him even when it was clear that it was hopeless? The Way of the Warrior... is it not about how one lives, but about how one dies? Sir Ogami... will you tell me? What is the true Way of the Warrior? Sir Ogami... What is the true... The true Way of the Warrior is to live to die. "To live to die." If I had been in your place, I would most certainly have attacked. I am glad to hear those words from you. Sir Ogami can a lowly being such as I... request that you, who was once the Official Executioner, be my second? For those who know the true Way of the Warrior, rank does not exist. I shall grant your request. Finally, I can die as a warrior... with no regrets! I am ready. No, Lady! You mustn't go! Please don't go! He isn't human! He's a monster! Lady! Crows cried in the night... Someone is going to die. From the netherworlds come the Gods of Death... The Wolf and his Cub... The wolves... are coming... Their footsteps... approaching... The Wolf and Cub are coming coming coming... "The End" The boat casts off! Heh! The pram can't go aboard. It won't! Ah. Now I understand. Shut up! Haven't I told you that you'll eat well, wear beautiful clothes... having a life in luxury? There can't be anything valuable in it! Let it go! Omatsu. Thank you! OKAMI The winds of death Baby Cart to Hades Directed by Kenji Misumi Why aren't there any beautiful women passing here? Don't be so impatient! We aren't in a hurry. There's enough time left for some nice women The time in between the jobs is by far the most amusing part... During work there's no time left for anything Pretty hot. You wanna drink with us? No thanks. Don't be rude. Join us. Drink! You're a strange fellow. You don't drink Sake, neither are you interested in women. Why on earth have you become a mercenary then? We're just decoration. The lords hire us as escorts to make his people look some more. Vagabonds, living from hand to mouth. Even if we wanted, noone would give us a permanent job. We're scum. Samurais with two swords - nothing to scare anyone! In the past you've been a real samurai. Look what has become of you Simply relax and enjoy the fun! Your attitude pisses us off. Our only pleasure are women. If it weren't for the fun we stopped being mercenaries a long time ago. The good thing is. After you layed them, you move away to another place. Nobody will ever bother us with what we did... Join us, Master Kanbe! Patience always gets rewarded! What the hell... We're mercenaries. Mercenaries? Yes, Mercenaries. I'll give you all my money. We ain't no robbers. We don't wanna steal, we just wanna use something. Nothing that'll be worn out afterwards. Actually it gets better every time. We're doing you a favour Help! Help! No! Mother, help me! I will report you! That won't help you. We'll be out of reach very soon. I don't care for authorities. So, come on over! Help! - No! Give up! It won't hurt you! Close your eyes! It'll be over in a minute. Release me! No! No! Please spare my daughter! I'll do whatever you want me to. No! You scum! You violated the young mistress and her mother! I kill you! I kill you! - Wait, hold on! If you'll harm us you'll get some problems very soon. We're the escort for Lord Mizuno. No! I kill you, no matter who hired you scum! Master Kanbe. - Help us! Damned! Don't look at me! Master Kanbe... It wasn't neccessary to kill them all. Everbody chooses one! Or I'll kil you all three. You'll have to die, Jyukkai. - Why me? Yours is the shortest. You'll be the robber who did it. You killed them all. We came by too late, but right on time to kill you. It'll be plausible enough for the officials. Help! Forgive me for what I did. You act like a true warrior. Like a warrior... My name is Kanbe Magomura and I have been one of the men of the lord. What's your name? I am Itto Ogami. So the rumors are true. You are the former Kaishakunin of the Shogunate. I saw you a long time ago in Edo. I know your name too. You're a famous fighter. Thank you. Why have you become a mercenary? Whatever reason I had, I'd like to challenge you. Why? Yu witnessed what has happened her. I must insist on a fight. Even a mercenary has to be loyal to his Master. I'll have to risk my life for the honour of my Lord. That's a warior's virtue, isnt it? Please, accept the challenge. If I let you go now, I had to carry on the life that I live... Killing the innocen is against the ideals of a samurai. Please accept the challenge. Master Kanbe asks you so much. Do it! - Or can't you answer? Leave him, You aren't an opponent for him. If I'll win I'll take care for your son. Don't worry about him. My son and I walk the way of hell. We are prepared for what may come. Walking the way of hell... You speak a deeper truth. Even if I'm unlucky I won't regret. O.K. - Go! I declare this fight to be drawn. Why? A real Samurai should stay alive. A real Samurai...? I failed to die again. How does it taste? You rarely had true rice, right. Women are like flowers. They have to blossom first. A woman is happy if she's taken care of and doesn't have to work. Your feet hurt? It has been a long voyage indeed. If the feet are tired, rub them with salt and warm them at the fire. It'll help. Show me your feet! It's ok. Show them! If you can't walk I'll get some serious problems. Be good. Leave me! Don't resist! Remember, it was me who bought you! You are mine! I can do with you whatever I want to. There's blood... Room inspection! Pardon. Thee has been a murder. Were looking for the woman who did it! Wait! What, if she isn't here? We have our orders. You wanna harass me? No, no harassment intended. As long as I pay for my room, it's my home. The who enters it against my will should be aware of the consequences. Is that right? A ronin shouldn't brag! And what if she is here? Then I'll share the guilt. That's it. I'll inspect your room. If she isn't here, you'll get my head. Any objections? That is... - I'm punishing him. I'm gonna get your head. Make room! Go! Thank you! Everybody ha to find his own way. She's got to find a way of her own. It's everyone's own responsibility. Go now! Yes. Thank you. There she is! - Catch her! Stop! This is the room of a Samurai. Behave! I am Torizo from the Koshio family. We're in control of the night life district here. One of our men, Monkumatsu bought this girl. Please hand her over to us. No. Master, people call us "Bohachimon". Do you know what that means? "Bohachimom" are those who don't obey the 8 virtues. It's used to name gangsters who don't care for virtues any more... Either if you win or loose, it won't bring you very far to stand up against us. You won't even loose your face if you hand her over. Please don't interfere with our businesses! She is still the murder of Monkumatsu. As I said: No! Only because of your Totem the Samurai feels a pity for you. So, come over! Stubborn little girl! If you don't come over the Samurai and his child will have to die for you! Our code of honour provides that we mustn't bother ordinary people. You have been bought by us, so you belong to us. Come on over! If you still resist... Enough! - Pighead. I've been quite modest so far. Why do you risk your and your son's life for that whore? Our Karma is connected by that totem. I lost anything a man coulod loose through such a totem. That is the reason. Finish him up! - Wait! I won't let my men die in a fight against you. Master, even we have our pride. We can't give up now. On the other hand I don't want to sacrifice all my men for that whore. Let's do it ike this: A girl isn't a real whore before her first customer. The first customer does pay a nice amount of money for this special pleasure. I'll let her go after she delivered her virginity in our service. I refuse. Then there's just one other possibility left. She'll have to take the water-torture and to stand the buri-buri. It can easily kill her. I'll stand in for her. - But... I heard that whores stand in for their ill friends in such cases. There's no rule against it, right? What wuld you do if we tried to kill you? I'll take the risk upon me. Go! And now the "Buri-Buri". Master. I... I... Dad. His will is as strong as his skills. Ís strength scares me. He didn't even groan. A true Samurai is rare nowadays, but he is one for sure. We have settled the issue with the girl, but... the murder case is still not solved Tell me what you want! If you accept my request everything will be forgotten. During the "Buri-Buri" I recalled having heard a rumor that the Kaishakunin of the Shogun wanders around as an Assassin, as the Lone Wolf with his child. Follow me! Master Itto Ogami is there. Help me up! I am Tatewaki Miura, former first councel of the Kakegawa-Clan. I've been searching for you. You know who he is. You are the one who slashed of his left arm. The official Kaishakunin of the Shogun, Itto Ogami. Lord Ujishige Miyake suddenly turned insane. He killed several of his vasals without a reason. The Shogunate ordered him to commit, Harakiri... No, I won't! I don't want to die. Master, calm down! My Lord. Leave me! Please, do it now! No! I won't! In what relation do you stand to him? I'm his daughter. I am Tori, I'm the younger one of the twins. Twins are hated. I've been raised by a nurse from the Koshio-Family. My sister served the Lord. She discovered a secret and was raped by Gemba Sawatari, the highest servant of the Lord. She committed suicide afterwards. What do you want me to do? Kill Gemba Sawatari, who is now the administrator of the Totomi-Province. What are the reasons! Gemba was it who sold our clan and wiped him out. As I said he was the former servant of the Lord. He longed for power and betrayed our Lord. He reported him to Lord Itakura, Sovereign of Edo. He became the administrator of the province of his fomrer clan. He's scum. When I think about the 400 masterless, Samurai, straying around... I can't die in peace. Please do it for me! For Assassinations I charge 500 Ryo. 4,5 km until Totomi When Ogami sees the pictures, He'll mark us the place to meet him. We bear a great responsibility. Am I clear? - Yes. I am Jyunai Asada from the Totomi-administration. I am Itto Ogami. Master Gemba Sawatari would like to meet you. He told us to find you. Am I gonna meet him? Yes. Please come with us. Will he come? He has to. If he won't, we... Let me speak to you. What would the Shogunat do, if there were a province where the Lord weren't be able to rule it any more and there is no heir? A lord who kills his vasals without a reason? Lord Itakura, if you could get the whole province, what yould you do? Which province? I can't tell. Where do you think you are? What if you try to cheat on me? I bet my life. What do you want? I want to be the administrator. and I want a written promise by you. A promise without a proof? - The proof will follow. I agree. I want you to kill Lord Itakura. He'll come here vey soon. I invited him. Here's 500 Ryo. You'll get another 500 after you killed him. Itakura and the Yagyu were it, who drove you away. I bet you hate him. It'll be a good opportunity for you to take revenge. I refuse. Wait! You know my plans. You won't leave here alive. I will return. Why haven't you killed him? You were two? Had I attacked you, his sword would have pearced your chest. The same if master Kukichi had fired. Ogami is a skilled swordfighter Why did he refuse? He could have refused as you met with him. Why did he refuse after we met? Did the name Itakura scare him? Or is he... the assassin who wants to kill me... He, who never left without his guns... He even gave me one for my own protection. It must have been Itto Ogami. Suio-Style, the Ross-technique. Itakura must have sent him. Samon, can you kill him? I know the Ichiden-Stil. I'll give my very best. Search him! Don't let him get away! Yes! Jyunai! Send a courier to Edo to Retsudo the Ura-Yagyu! He'll pay a high price for Ogami's head... That way we will earn respect from the Yagyu, who rule the country... That way we'll get more than being part of the magistate, we might even become associated to the Shogunate. Itto Ogami, the Murderer of Ozunu from the Kurokuwa-Clan. That must have been Itto Ogami. Samon Ikichi, Tamiya-Ichiden-Style. Itto Ogami Suio-Style. Jyunai! - Yes. Ask the Kariyas for troops! Just those who are skilled fighters. - Yes. Hang out announcements! We must lure Itto Ogami to Jizogahara. Is there anyone amongst you who is a skilled fighter? What? Nobody? Why? A murder is after the life of the administrator... of a province nearby. He needs fighters. It'll be well paid. Don't be silent. Answer! Who is the murder? I don't know. Are you going? O.K. I will go. Hopelss, he can't win. Why doesn't he stop? In view of all these guns and bows. Daigoro, now we walk the way of hell again. Archers! Daigoro. Shooters! Fire! You fought bravely. A miracle that you survived. But there'll be no tomorrow for you and your son. You can't escape the Yagyu. Master Ogami. You're an Assassin who kills for money. I am a mercenary who kills for money. What does it mean being a true Samurai? Is there one? I bet my life to find out. Please accept the challenge! I accept. Let's go. Wait! I have one question. Ask! My Lord, Munetada, was on his way to Edo, to take the position as sovereign there. We were attacked by a group of ronin. A conspiration against my Lord. They were more than us and I saw just one chance, to attack them. So I did! Althouth I defeated them, I was epelled because I left my place on the side of my Lord to fight the attackers. Even though I saved my Lord's life, I was expelled. Should I have waited to die side by side with my Lord? Is that the way of a warrior? Is the way of a warrior to die and not to fight and survive? Master Ogami, please answer! What is the true way of a warrior? Master Ogami, the true way... The way of a warrior is to live in sight of the death. To live in sight of death... I had attacked them too if I had been in your place. Now that you've said it I know that it was right what I did. You have been Kaishakunin of the Shoguns. Would you lower yourself to assist someone like me committing Seppuku? Amongst true warriors there are no differences. I'll do it. Finally I can die. Happily as a rue warrior! O.K. Don't go. Please. - He's not human, he's a monster! Ravens cry in the night, when someones gonna die. The devil prepares the graves. The wolves, Father and Son are coming. Footsteps coming closer. Father and son, side by side... They come... They come... Turkmen film Studio Production "Daughter-in-law" Screenplay - Khodzhakuli and Khodzhadurdi Narlievs Director - Khodzhakuli Narliev Photography - Anatoly Ivanov Art Director - Annamamed Khodzhaniyazov Music - Redzhep Redzhepov, Sound - Chaly Annahalov Cast.. Murad - Khodzhaberdy Narliev Nazar - Khommat Mullik Bibitach - Ainabat Amanlieva Tuvak Edzhe - Ogulkurban Durdyev Arslan - Arslan Muradov Chauffeur - Mergen Niyazov Lead roles.. Anna Aga - Khodzham Ovezgelenov Ogulkeyik - Maya Aimedova Film was dubbed at Mosfilm Studio Keep back! The bugs are harmless creatures. But the mouse can infect the sheep with plague. Let's drive them away, my girl. We'll have to empty the well. Quick! Pull. Let's drive the sheep through the fire. Fire kills the pest. Are things all right? It will be great to have a cup of tea. The sheepfold needs repair. We'd better put up a new one. I'll have to ask for help at the kolkhoz. We'll soon be welcoming a guest. Tall. Slender. He's coming. - Hello, Anna-aga. - How are you, Mergen? - All right, thank you. - This is Shadurdy. He's been looking forward to meeting you. I'll pick him up on the way back. Come and sit in the shade, son. Have same tea. Ogulkeyik, here are presents for you. It'll keep the tea hot and the milk cold. It's from the kolkhoz, thanking you for the socks and gloves you knitted for the soldiers. It used to be "all for the front" now it's all for us. Oh, my poor bones. Anna-aga, how's your rheumatism? I'm sick to death of this ache. I bury myself in the sand and sweat like hell. But it won't help me. I'll never forgot the damp trench where I lay for 3 days. Now I've got this back ache. There's a remedy. - What remedy? - Camel milk with sour cream. That's what you're driving at. Bless this well. The best milk I've ever had. Take this cup. Have same tea, son. I learned from the villagers your son hasn't come back. Murad and I were in the flying school together. He sent his photo from the front. He was a good pilot, fearless. Whatever the danger he would go on a mission with a smile on his lips. Once, he didn't return after a night raid. A forced landing, they said. We never knew for certain. Are things all right, dear? The important person came from Ashkhabad. All the people gathered in the village club. Suddenly that man calls out my name. Everybody claps their hands. They ask me to come to the table. And there, at the table, are the party secretary and kolkhoz chief. I wonder why they've called me. The Ashkhabad man comes up to me, Gives me the order and thanks me for my good work. "Thank you", I answer. But, I've not done anything special. The kolkhoz chief laughs.. "Same old Anna-aga. " Everybody claps their hands again and I say: I am too happy for words but could you give me a red woolen shawl. What for? , they ask me. My daughter has been covering her face with yashmak for a long time. If I don't give her a red shawl... Do you like it? Oh my old head! I nearly forgot... Our pictures. I said to the people, it's all thanks to you. ... Take off your yashmak. Tomorrow I want to see you without it. The authorities promise help. How are you, Ogulkeyik? Is everything all right? ... Give me my puppy. How are you getting on? Are you well? - Where's old man? Is he with the herd? - Yes. Where can we put the tent? Here's a good place. Babitach, stop... We've arrived... - Help me get down. - Get down, I'm holding you. - Let's have some tea. - No, later. Let's put up the tent first. Arslan, make the camel lie down. Rope. All right. Why do you cover your face? - Are you well? - I'm all right, thank you. Look, who's come. - What's your name? - Arslan. Look at yourself, you're all wet. Keep back. Why did they stop? They've seen the stranger. Come here! Here are bones to play with. Come in. Now we'll have tea. Chopan-aga also mourned the death of his Achmurad. Which Chopan-aga? The one who has 9 daughters and only one son. The son of Maral Edjeh. Achmurad? Yes, you should have seen. That hurly-burly. Poor Maral Edjeh flung herself into his arms and died there from a heart attack. I can't possibly describe the commotion in our village when the war ended. Tugur ran about shouting the damned thing's through. He even lost his sheepskin hat. Did Nazar write to you from the front? There was no news for two years. I waited and waited. How long did you have to wait for him? He was in the Berlin battle, then another year in the army. In two or three weeks Nazar will learn the ropes and you'll leave here. You'll had enough of the sands. I may have to go away too before spring comes. It'll be hard to manage with the children. You don't know all the trouble they give. Uncle Mergen is coming. He's got a new lorry. It's big. I'll get in. Can I? Congratulations! You've got a neighbor now. I've got a present too... Not bad, eh? Here's a present for your camel wind wheel. It'll draw the water instead of her. ... The camel will go to the well only for a drink of water. And she'll give more milk. Could you give me a cup? Daughter! Let's begin. Have you seen Ogulkeyik? Where is she? Arslan, come here, tell grandpa A man came on horseback and they went away together. Let's fix the wheel. Take the wire. Haul it up. Why didn't you take off your yashmak? I'm used to it. I'll take it off some day. - What's brought you here, Redjep. - I was passing by. Wash your hands and take a seat. How's your father and mother? Not bad, thank you. At dawn the wind changed and the sheep went southwards. They want some fresh wind to breathe. They've gone to another pasture. Help your self sonny. She didn't know and so sent you to the old pasture. That's all right. I only wish we had talked in Ogulkeyik's absence. ... Father had sent me here. He asked me to tell you... We have to take Ogulkeyik back home. We are sinners. How long can she wait? Let her go. Matchmakers keep coming. But you aren't within easy reach. Now you've a helper. Father's waiting for your decision. You are right there. I spoke about it... many times with her. The moment I speak she gets up and leaves. I'll try it again Please do. Father wants it. Time to go. Don't worry, Sis. - Wait a minute. - Please, don't do it. Stop it. Bye-bye, sister. You needn't. Give my love to everybody. - Good luck. - Have a good trip. My best wishes to your family. Let us know about your decision. My girl, stay here. Sit down, will you? It's your father who had sent your brother. Your people are worried about you. I can understand them. Let this war be damned. It has taken away our sons. But they died for life which should go on. We've got to go on, my girl. Go on living. All this year you've been irreproachable. My son would have been pleased with you. Thank you, you deserve to be happy. Don't send me away. I'll never leave you... There, don't cry. Stop it. You mustn't. Don't bite. You're tearing it. You bad boy, there'll never be enough shirts for you. Have a drink. Now I'll teach you to fight wolves. What the matter, sonny? A bad dream? Come over, to your mummy, baby. Sleep, my love. - Babitach is calling you. - What's up. - I don't know. Obviously she needs your help. It's a long way to the village. Drive over to Uckicui and bring Tauyk Edjen. A daughter can't help in this business. Harry up, Nazar. Come and help Grandpa, Arslan. There's a good boy. Let's give some water to the sheep. - Is he your son? - Yes, Arslan. They won't let me in. Now, wait, my girl. Nazar! More water. Shoot your gun, things aren't so good. - One hawk... - Where? - Cut it. - I'm afraid. - I was afraid the first time. - I can't. - Cut it, or the baby will catch cold. Come on, cut it. Now you're his second mother. When he grows up you'll have place of honor at his wedding. - Pour the water here. - Careful! Don't be afraid, he'll be all right. Give a blanket. Hold him. Come and look at your baby brother. Isn't he beautiful? What name will you give your brother? - Give us an answer. - I don't know. Take him away. Nurse him. - It seems to me there's no milk. - No, there isn't. Don't worry. There, there, my girl. We'll think of something to feed your shouter. Women have become weaker nowadays. They've seen so much grief over these years. No wonder. Why is he crying? If he's asleep, lay him down. - Go to sleep. - You lie down too. My little hungry lamb, don't cry. Wait. Is he crying again? - Is night over? - Yes, day's breaking. Fetch Anna-aga. Let him bless the baby at sunrise. Come to Granny, my lamb. Bring me some milk. - Have you decided on this name? - Not yet. Let's name him Amangeldi: Let's everybody return alive and healthy. Or let's name him Azat: Everybody will be free and happy. Go, Nazar. Here's the milk. Doesn't he like it. Such a nice boy. - He's been hungry so long. - He's quiet. - He's resumed his chant. - Give him to me. Careful. Come to me, dear singer. You are so dear to me, Murad. When I see your eyes, I forget, my boy The bitter grief and loss. In the scorching sun I roamed amidst the sand dunes Looking for your footsteps, my dearest. Will my ill luck never abandon me? Will my heart never stop aching? In spring the steppe will be in bloom There'll be azure skies above If the bitter hour comes let me have my share of trouble Great sound. I really can dig it. - See you later. - All right. Hey, brother, it's been a long time. Well, what have you brought me here? A little coke from Cuzco? I ain't dealing no more, man. You mean you isn't dealing no more. You heard about my last bust, didn't you? Well, three will get you five. That's a long time between drinks. You've come to sing me a song. What a beautiful surprise. Cash. Joplin. Dylan. Odetta. Million memories. What will you give me for it? It's come to this? I'm getting back in the music business. Really? That's great. Why don't you sell your 12-string. It's practically brand-new. I thought I could get more for this, man. You remember that time we were at the Shrine, me and Jesse? You dug that guitar so much you said you wanted to buy it. Said something about $ 1000. Did I? Well, you were pretty stoned at the time. A lot of other cats have offered me the same. This is your guitar, Cisco. You don't want to buy it? Nope. Okay. - I'll see you, brother. - Ciao, baby. Now remember, the distinguished American philosopher Satchel Paige said: "Don't look back. Something may be gaining on you." How's the old universe? - You ruined it. - Yeah. Can I have a cigarette? Yogis don't smoke cigarettes. - I see you got your tape back. - Yeah. What did they say? What do they always say? You're too good for them. That's what they said. Why can't you just be some nice, healthy Baptist like the neighbors instead of squatting weird on the table like some freak. It's not weird. Yogis can do all kinds of good things. Documented too. - Like what? - Astral projection. Levitation. My daddy caught me levitating once. Told me I'd go blind. They can also make it for 24 hours straight. Make what? Sexual intercourse. You remember sexual intercourse. Yeah, but not for no 24 hours. Well, you have to be really good to do it. It's in an especial discipline. Now, I bet you know all the good ones, don't you? That's why all them dishes are in the sink. Because some diaper-wearing, skinheaded yogi is teaching my old lady how to ball 24 hours a day. What's the matter? You afraid you're not up to it? I'd like to help you out, but I gotta do something tomorrow. - How about an hour? - How about a minute, missionary style. When you touch me It's easy to make me believe Tomorrow won't take you away - You pause after you say "make me." - Right. So all them teenyboppers think you're saying "make me," huh? Wonderful. But I'd gamble Whatever tomorrow might bring For the love that I'm living today Sing a round of the chorus now. 'Cause I'll never know till it's over Come on, you can do this. If I'm right or I'm wrong Loving you But I'd rather... "I'd rather be sorry," and we are sorry. Hello. Hey, Dragon, how's Black? No, man, don't call me about that no more. I'm through. I quit dealing. Yeah, why don't you try Buffalo. I think he's got something. Yeah. Dig you later, man. You snoop. - Are you sorry you quit? - Nope. No withdrawal pains? Not on your nelly. Come on, do this thing. Because I'm happy. I'm really happy. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm paying you for, right? I mean, if it wasn't no trouble, I wouldn't need no lawyer. Hey, I'll call you later, okay? You got a warrant? No, I thought you'd invite me in. Cisco, I don't have too much time so I want you to take a little ride with me out to the Valley. I'm clean, man. I quit dealing. - No, no. - I'm retired. - Just a little ride to the Valley, okay? - I ain't dealing no more. You already busted me twice. - That's enough. - Cisco. - Maybe I can help you with that bust. - Great. Go ahead. Come on, search and seizure. I'll change my testimony. - You'll get off, okay? - Yeah, right. All I gotta do is give you some names. Forget it, man. I ain't telling you nothing. Come on, take a little ride with me, okay? I mean, bust me or leave me alone, man but I'm not just going for a little ride with no cop. Okay, Cisco. Let's say that you're busted. Now, do you want to take that little ride? Jesus. There's a hundred keys, even. Whose is it? Open one up. - Where'd it come from? - Open one up, will you? Go ahead. What do you think? If they all come from the same place, it's bad dope, man. What do you mean? What's wrong with it? No. I mean "good" bad. Go ahead and try it. If you're setting something up, Holland, it ain't gonna work. No, I'll smoke some with you. Go ahead. Whose garage is this? It's mine. No, really, it's my garage. Thank you, operator. Well, there's a Betty Holland at that address. Then it's his garage. If it's his wife. He just might be straight. - You mean he's honestly crooked. - Yeah. I can't believe it. Well, if this is an attempt at entrapment it certainly is the clumsiest one I've ever seen. You know, Cisco, if I were you, I'd steer clear of the whole thing. Yeah. It's incredible grass, though. How much...? Just blowing off... You know, blowing out the carbon: - Yeah. - Yeah. Come here. I gotta have $ 10,000 by Monday. - Monday? - Yeah. You get me that much by Monday, and the rest of it you just fool around with on your own time. Whatever you make on it, you keep. That's an awful lot of grass to turn in two days, man. It's not really two days, though. You got the rest of today and, well, the weekend. That's like 59 hours. So you figure out it's... Hello! This guy's a professional doctor. Plays golf and everything, I bet. He's not gonna tell you your mom's an alcoholic without proof. I'm sure he scoped for varices , checked her esophagus, ran all kinds of blood tests. Doctors like this, they don't make assumptions, they do the work! I'd be happy to refer you the case, Dr. House. You seem so interested. What case? It's over. You're sending her home. How old is she? You're a doctor? Own my own stethoscope. Did I ask you how old she was? I forget. Thirty eight year old woman with no previous symptoms or history presents with deep vein thrombosis How did she get it? Oral contraceptives, smoking, diabetes, obesity, and what's the point here? A DVT's a DVT. Put her on IV heparin to prevent future clots. What's the big mystery? Fine. You're all sleeping. You need a clue. She's 38 years old! She's 20 years too young to get a deep vein thrombosis! I treated a 12 year old girl once, soccer player, she got kicked in the leg... There was no trauma, none of the risk factors. You took a history? I... have some notes. They're not mine, but they're reliable, I think, for purposes of this discussion. As for the immobility, well, she's real active right now, of course. Paranoia keeps her limber. Paranoia? Oh yeah ? she's schizophrenic. And her kid wrote this, so it might be a little biased. Having to take care of his nutso mom and all. You think there's a connection? Do we include schizophrenia in the differential for DVT? Well... The answer is no. Abnormal dopaminergic pathways in the brain do not cause blood clots. Schizophrenia is not the cause of DVT. On the other hand, we don't really know anything about schizophrenia, so maybe it is connected. Well, the schizophrenia explains one mystery. Why you're so fascinated by a woman with a bump in her leg? It's like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence. Thanks. I'm more of a Leroy Neiman man. And it is only about the DVT. She's 38 years old, she should be... Right. Solve this one and you're on your way to Stockholm. We don't even know how to treat it! Come on! Fumigation of the vagina? A little louder - - I don't think everyone heard you. Two thousand years ago, that's how Galen treated schizophrenics. The Marcus Welby of ancient Greece. Oh! Clearly you're not interested. I'm interested. I'm interested in how voices in the head could be caused by malposition of the uterus. There's a better place for it? And now what have we got? We've got lobotomies, rubber rooms, electric shock - my - Galen was so primitive. Where are you going? Going to see the patient. That all-important human connection. Thought I'd give it a whirl. You won't talk to patients because they lie, but give you patient with no concept of reality... If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving untreated schizophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic method - the best way of teaching everything, apart from juggling chainsaws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling. Dodging chainsaws, no doubt. And that guitar player in that English band - he was great. You think I'm interested because of the schizophrenia. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Galen was pretty sure about the fumigation thing. Pink Floyd. Mom, this is Dr... Gregory House - nice to meet you. Be all right if we spoke alone for awhile? Well, you're gonna need me to... Got your case notes... doctor. There's a cafeteria downstairs. Get yourself whatever you want as long as there's enough left over for a reuben sandwich, dry, no fries, hold the pickles. Should run you about $5.80 with tax. I'll page you when we're done. No... pickles. Nice kid. How much do you really drink? He's really talking to a patient? I don't know who I am anymore. It's a blood clot. What's so fascinating about that? He likes crazy people. Likes the way they think. They think... badly. That's the definition of crazy. Why would he like... They're not boring. He likes that. And the meds... Baseball! I like baseball. Very nice. Very sad. My boy and me ? we went to see a game. Not "Mets" ? meds ? medicine. You take what he tells you to take. No one believes me. I do. I thought he liked rationality. He likes puzzles. Patients are puzzles? You don't think so? I think they're people. Yeah. Well, he hates them, and he's fascinated by them. Tell me you can't relate to that symptom. You told Luke it never hurt before. Just rough - they didn't hurt. Didn't? Don't lie to him, Limpie. Lively Lucy never lies to Lucas. Look what I do to him. Learn anything from the "human connection"? Yeah. The Mets suck. Also, for the last two months, she hasn't shaved her legs. Because of the tremors... she cuts herself. The tremors aren't new - she must always cut herself. Exactly. Something changed in the last two months. I'm thinking the amount of blood when she cut herself. So let's start with some bloodwork. Collect and send for clotting studies, PT, PTT, factor 5, protein, CNS, the whole shebang. Good luck. No pickles, and it's cold now. If it's a reuben, that's the way he likes it. Everyone, this is Luke. Allison Cameron, it's nice to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, save it, we're busy. Luke, give us another half hour with your mom. We need to do some tests. Nice kid. Take her off the psych meds, that way we'll know what's what on the physical side, and who knows, we might get more out of her. Don't worry ? no pickles. Happy birthday. OK... whose? I was going through your mail, and it was on a form. Happy birthday. Oh. No, no blood, not mine! For the test, Dr. House told you... You're gonna steal it, sell it, no, no blood, no, no blood, no, no blood, no! Haldol, 5 milligrams, stat. No no no no no no ...! Well, good news, the lab says it's not strep, so we're done. Wait a second... No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know. Plus, your kid actually has none of the symptoms of strep, I just figured it was quicker running the test than arguing with you. My point is ? go! I just wanted to ask your opinion, doctor. She's having a birthday party next week and she's upset that I'm getting a sugarless cake. The other kids hate it! This is why you're here. Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America. You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar. She needs to get her weight under control. Well, you know... I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours - a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete's foot. That's not fair. Oh, yes it is. No, I get it. You want her to slim down a little, so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets. Hey! What about matching outfits? You could be twins! She can't be your daughter, it's impossible, you look way too young! Happy birthday. Get the kid a damned ice cream cake. You drugged her. Actually, I didn't. I've taken her off all medications. Your guy, Foreman, gave her Haldol. We needed blood for some tests. I assume that was the only way to get it. He knocked her out. Look! I have a cane, and I know how to use it. I hired you. You work for me. OK, can I go now? Boss? The Haldol changes her. She says it makes her soul numb. Don't give it to her. If there be rags enough, he will know her name And be well pleased remembering it. You OK? Old... days... For in the old days, Though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, Among the poor, both old and young gave her praise. Help! Somebody, help! So, when I said, "no psych meds", I'm just curious - which word didn't you understand? The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint. Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives AREN'T pure. Those side effects are so rare! Passing out, increased confusion, depression, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna screw up our diagnosis, 'cause you just used it to restrain her. I'm so relieved! She spit in my face! It must have been so frightening for you. What was I supposed to do? Tie her down? Yeah! Anything but give her drugs - that's basically my point! The clotting studies. Pretty fast - you promise to date the entire lab? No. I save that for emergencies. I told them she bled out two units and if it happened again, she'd die. If it'd happened at home, she would have died. That ER doc, he was gonna send her home. It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. Here's an idea ? next time, use mine. I think they're choosing a movie. Why did the patient bleed out? The clotting studies so far are normal. Well, cover your ears if you don't want me to spoil the ending. Everything was normal, except for prolonged PT time, which means what? Usually it means, whoever drew the blood didn't do it right. Oh, that's right. 'Cause... you drew the blood. But you were precise, because you knew the tube was purely for the PT study. That's right. And I'm right with you. I trust this result. For two reasons, a) because you are a good doctor, and b) because five milligrams of IV Haldol makes for a spectacularly cooperative patient. The prolonged PT time makes me think she's got a vitamin K deficiency. Vitamin K would explain the bleed but not the clot. Without vitamin K, protein C doesn't work. Without protein C, she clots. Clotting and thinning, all at the same time. What about another drug interacting with heparin, an antibiotic like ampicillin? That would ... Clever, but she's not on ampicillin. Two months ago, she complained of a sore throat. And he got her ampicillin. Which she refused to take. He just said she didn't take it. What is it, everybody lies, except for schizophrenics and their children? It's more likely than malnourishment. Why not scurvy or the plague? Gee, I wish my idea was as cool and with it as yours. What is yours, by the way? Do you have one? Alcohol. Simple. It causes immobility, which explains the DVT. It also causes cirrhosis which explains the bleed and the prolonged PT time. Let's ultrasound the liver. Three theories. Check out her place for ampicillin and diet, then ultrasound her liver. Let's find out who's right before she bleeds to death. 101. So House says the kid's sensitive. Thinks he takes good care of her. If we don't find anything, why let him know we did it in the first place? What's the point? Why not just make old Foreman lift the key from the kid's backpack? Looks like Luke sleeps in the living room. Nothing in there. He lays out her clothes? Enough organization, enough lists, you think you can control the uncontrollable. Fix her meds, fix her clothes, maybe you can even fix her. Pick that up on your psych rotation? Trifluo perazine, Thorazine, Foziril - whew, they tried everything. The ampicillin -- never touched it. There goes Cameron's theory. Oh, God, I hope it's not a vitamin K deficiency. Oh. Damn. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. House was right. That's the only thing she'll eat. Ah. Problem is, you can't actually live on this stuff. I checked it out, I looked on the box, all the nutritional values were solid. There's plenty of protein, and calories... Yeah, vitamin A and C, but no K. That's why your mom got sick. So, what's the plan? Load her up with vitamin K. That's it? If it all checks out, you can take her home in a couple of days. Oh God, you're upset about something. You're gonna open to me now, aren't you? It's all my fault. Here we go... OK, I'm gonna say this once. You have done a very good job taking care of your mother. If this was all she'd eat, then what else could you do? Gosh, just being a kid is a full-time job... Shut up! I'm 18, I should be able to take care of my mom! I almost killed her. Good example. Just the time it takes to express those ridiculous self-centered teenage ideas... I don't envy your schedule. No pickles. My mom doesn't like them either. Smart woman. Before she got sick, I didn't like how bossy she was, always telling me what to do, the right way to do it. Never thought I'd miss that. Ah... You should get that looked at. I still don't buy a vitamin K deficiency. House was right. That usually makes you happy. Less work for us. The kid feeds his mum a steady diet of booze and the problem is too many burgers? The kid's in a tough situation. You do what you've gotta do to survive. Feeding alcohol to an alcoholic is not a survival technique. Where I come from, if it works... Yeah, right. I'm rich, I couldn't possibly understand what this kid is going through. Just because you're drinking pricier stuff doesn't mean you don't have a problem. You've seen someone stagger down that road? No way vitamin K's the whole story. It's not broken. See this right here? It's the epiphyseal plate, otherwise known as the growth plate. What's wrong with it? Amazing thing, this bone. If you know how to read it, it can tell you how old someone really is. Exactly how old. Great. Not even fifteen. Almost, though. Two weeks away, maybe a month. Last week. I was fifteen last week. Happy birthday to both of us. If you're gonna lie though, go big, go 21. That way you won't need your crazy mom to help you buy vodka. Great. Thanks for the tip. Now, when I bring my mom home, is there anything I need to know about taking care of her? I suppose your biggest worry isn't the booze. You're 15, basically no mom. Child Welfare let kids get away with that, well, they wouldn't need those nice foster homes, and that would make them sad. They'd put her someplace too. My life is working. Not the word I'd use. Most 15 year old kids are doing what they're supposed to be doing, you know, they're huffing glue, catching crabs... If you turn me in, I'll sue you. That's privileged information. Oh, relax. It's not even your x-ray. She's awfully calm. House write new orders? There's a little bit of scarring, not much, not enough to con... It's cirrhosis. But she doesn't drink! Congratulations, you win. Actually... no one wins. A tumor. Cystic? Solid mass. Cancer. The vitamin K caused the DVT, and aggravated the liver. But the tumor's the real reason for the bleed. The tumor's the problem. Mrs. Palmeiro, I'm Dr Wilson. I'm afraid I have some bad news from your ultrasound. You have cancer. It's big. Five point eight centimeters. We do nothing, she dies from liver failure within 60 days. She needs a transplant. That's gonna happen. She's a 38 years old, she's a mother... She's a schizophrenic mother, with no money, on the public dole, in fact, who knocks back vodka every time a breeze blows her way. Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him. He got a transplant. Yeah, well, Lucy can't switch-hit. Plan B. Surgery to resect the tumor. Joe Bergen does the knife thing -- laser cauterizes while it cuts, saves more liver. The tumor's way too big. He won't even consider it. Not a big risk taker, Bergen. He won't even drink milk on its expiration date. He has no discretion. Five point eight centimeters is past the surgical guidelines. Would he do it at 4.6? Why don't we just say it's zero, then we don't need him at all. Tumors grow, they don't shrink. This one does. Ninety five percent ethanol. The ethanol dehydrates the tumor cells, literally sucks them dry. Shrinks the tumor temporarily. How temporarily? Well, if we're lucky, just long enough to fool the surgeon. Good morning, Dr. House! Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part. Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too. Gotta go. Those running noses aren't just gonna start walking on their own. The clinic can wait. How long? Maybe we could catch a movie. You should know by now my doctors have no secrets from me. I don't believe it. Who came running to Mommy? It doesn't matter who. The point is, I know exactly what you did. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Somebody knows about a bad thing you did - that's a big field. But somebody you think might have told me, that narrows it down quite a bit. Someone who views me as a maternal authority figure. A young person, perhaps... How am I doing? You think I'm gonna get there? Presumably hospital business. How many patients... It's Cameron. She... found out about my birthday. I thought she told you, and I'd have to stand here and smile while you gave me a sweatshirt or a fruit basket, you know, made me feel that deep sense of belonging. Actually, I was just gonna remind you, you owe me six clinic hours this week. Oops. Hi, this is Dr. Cuddy. I need all the charts on Dr. House's current patients. [Hiccups] I've tried everything. Um hmm. Pulling the tongue, icepacks on the throat, hitting yourself... the groin pinch. Well, you've certainly covered all the normal medical bases. Uh, how are you hitting yourself, though? Is it open hand or fist? Open hand. Well, that's how they teach it at Harvard Med. How hard though? I'm sorry, I missed that. Could... could you do that again? That's... that's very good. Hiccups. I need to speak with you. NOW. Mmhhmmm, I need to go peepee. Just dial it up a notch and repeat. I'll be back. Ooh, girl in the boys' bathroom. Very dramatic. Must be very important what you have to say to me. Yesterday your patient's tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it's 4.6. How did that happen? At a guess, I'd say, "Dr. House must be really really good - why am I wasting him on hiccups?" I wash before and after. You also requisitioned 20cc of ethanol. what patient was that for? Or are you planning a party? Do me a favor...? I was gonna say "leave," but that works. You shrunk the tumor! - Only way to get the guy to do the surgery... - Fraud! Fraud was the only way. There is a reason that we have these guidelines. I know - to save lives. Specifically doctors' lives, and not just their lives but their lifestyles. Wouldn't wanna operate on anyone really sick - they might die and spoil our stats. Bergen has a right to know what he is operating on. True. I got all focused on her right to live, and forgot. You do what you think is right. You really didn't know. No. I didn't. And frankly I'm angry. Which I'm guessing is the correct response. 'Cause I'll know better once you tell me what you're talking about. Your birthday. Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darnit, if it wasn't the Little Planet That Could all over again. It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. You think that's lame? Why are you here? To buy me a pony? I'm just waiting for the surgery. Yeah well, go scrub in. All right, done. Close her up. That tumor didn't just walk itself into a bar and order up a double shot of ethanol. Someone shrunk it down. I'm sorry. It was very, very wrong. House is lucky I didn't just close her up. He tries again, that's what happens. I'll pass it on. It looks like the surgeon got it all, but she's gonna have to have some chemotherapy. What kind is it? Luke, stop writing. If you stop for a second, it's not all gonna fall apart. Give yourself a break once in a while. The fact is, your mum's gonna have an extra drink every now and then. No. No, she won't, she doesn't. Fine. There are some things you just can't fix, that's all I'm saying. That's how you'd handle it, something like this? You'd just give up? No. I'd do it just like you. It's an infusion. She's gonna have a drain in her abdomen, you're gonna have to check for possible infections. Lucas Palmeiro? Trina Wyeth, Child Services, State of New Jersey. Can I help you? This is a private room. He's only 15 years old, a minor, he's in a tough living situation. We're just here to help. I don't need your help. 15? Lucas, you're gonna have to come with us. Right Now. Where are you taking him? Until the determination had been made he'll be housed at Children's Services. I don't wanna be housed, I live with my mom. Not for the next few days. Come on, let's not make this difficult, huh? Mom? Mom? I love you. The Mets lost. You remember? Yeah. I remember. I love you. Cuddy didn't say anything about pushing Bergen to finish the surgery? Not a word. Some kind of mind game. She's waiting for me to crack. Well, either that, or she's just being nice. Yeah, right... You said you wouldn't call. You're a real bastard, you know? Yeah. I get that a lot. I don't think Mom's crazy. For in the old days, Though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, Among the poor both old and young gave her praise. You called Social Services. It was you. No, no. No. It's OK, it's OK, I get it. He'll have an easier time dealing with the system. Sure, he won't be with his real mother, but his real mother's sick. Someone needs to take care of him. I'm not gonna live here. What would his future have been? Taking you to chemo and back on the bus... and even if the cancer's in complete remission, he'll still have a mother who hears voices. Talk no more, talk... no more. "Look what I do to him, limpie." You said that. I checked the phone records. only one call from this room. Smart. They charge you two bucks a call. It was to Social Services of the State of New Jersey. You're his mother. Couldn't do it to him anymore. Good for you. Schizophrenics can make rational decisions. On the small stuff, yeah, when to sleep, what to drink, you know, no lemonade but I'll take some hemlock if you've got it. Your man Socrates. But giving up your son, because it's better for him. It's so sane, so rational. Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of schizophrenia... it excludes the diagnosis. She's not schizophrenic? She's 36 years old when she first presents... It's a little late, but within the parameters. The internist sends her to a shrink, one shrink sends her to the next, she tells them all she's not crazy, the drugs don't work and why would they if she's not a head case? She got clearer when I took her off the psych meds. You think I'M crazy. Well, yeah, but that's not the problem. Didn't we just leave your office? I like to walk. Is that Dr. Jeffrey Walters? Hi. My name is Greg House, I'm a doctor... Oh, is that the time? Yeah, I'm sorry, my watch must have stopped. Listen, you treated a patient about eighteen months ago, a woman named Lucille Palmeiro, I wondered if you recalled running any tests at all. Oh, how terribly foolish of me, doctor, is it that late? Yes, I'm calling from London, you see, must have got my times mixed up so... I have a headache. It's my only symptom. I go to see three doctors. The neurologist tells me it's an aneurysm, the immunologist says I got hay fever, the intensivist... can't be bothered, sends me to a shrink, who tells me that I'm punishing myself 'cause I wanna sleep with my mommy. Maybe you're just not getting enough sleep. Pick your specialist, you pick your disease. If it's not schizophrenia, what else presents with psych symptoms? Prophyria. The madness of King George. What about that copper thing? What's it called? It's genetic - the body accumulates too much copper. Oh, uh, Wilson's disease? Very rare. Nice. I like it. If any of us did this, you'd fire us. Well, that's funny, I thought I encouraged you to question... You're not questioning, you're hoping, you want it to be Wilson's, boom! Give her a couple of drugs, she's OK! July 17, an appointment with a Dr. Carne. She didn't keep it. She never kept another appointment with a shrink he made after that. Carne is not a shrink. I looked him up, he's an ophthalmologist. Now why would she want her eyes checked? Wilson's presents with cataracts, I think. Yes, it does. It also causes slight cirrhosis, which Dr. Chase so eagerly attributed to alcohol. So what are we still doing here? Lucy! I don't think you're crazy. Neither do I, but I'm crazy... Come on. Put your hands on the bar here, and your chin in here. Thank you. You're gonna see a bright light, OK? Your body might be accumulating too much copper. If it is, this should help us see something called Kaiser-Fleischer rings, copper-colored circles around your corneas. Well, I guess we should start treating her for Wilson's. It's what I'd do. I will talk no more of books or the long war But walk by the dry thorn until I have found Some beggar sheltering from the wind, and there, manage the talk until her name come round. If there be rags enough he will know her name And be well pleased remembering it, For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, Among the poor both old and young gave her praise. Hi, Mrs. Palmeiro, ready to go home? Almost. Mom? How are you? I'm good. Oh, oh, oh, you really need a haircut. Dr. House! Luke, you're making Dr. House wait! That's OK, we're just here for the music. Luke, come on. I'm being discharged. I heard a rumor. Thank God I had cancer, huh? It's terrible having everybody think you're nuts... Really? I called to thank you, did you get my message? Yes. You're welcome. I'm never thanking you. You turned me in. I told you we were doing OK, it was none of your business. Look. I don't care how you were living. I just wanted you out of MY life. That's why I had Dr. Cuddy call Social Services. You OK? You were right. It wasn't the DVT. It was the schizophrenia. I know. She's not nearly as interesting any more. Isn't it your birthday around now? [ Woman's Voice ] Cat got your tongue? No. You killed the cat. Cut off his head. [ Woman ] Need to take a look at this. Mom? Mom. Mom, it's okay. Just a couple of questions before I can authorize extending her disability benefits. I don't like her. She's fat. - I could lose a little weight. - [ Gasps ] You all right? - Actually, before she signs-- - I killed the cat. Lots of blood. It's okay. I have a couple of questions about some of these dates. - The first diagnosis-- - Schizophrenia. Dr. Walters, May 11, last year. The letter's in the medical file. And April 6-- that was the last day she worked? But she received unemployment benefits for that week. We fixed that. I know we did. We returned the money. That's the canceled check. Not the real one, you know. It's a copy. And you're the dependent? No. That's my little brother. I'm 18. Just helping out. You're all set. Just need a signature. [ Woman's Voice ] Hey! I'm talking to you! The cat's first. Now it's your turn, Lucy. Shut up. Shut up, shut up! It's okay. She just-- She just needs a little water is all. I'll go get it. Just hold on, okay? Just-- When she comes back, sign it and we're gonna be done. We need this, okay? Please. [ Sighs ] Okay. The voices-- The voices aren't real. [ Gasps ] What? [ Gasping ] Mom? Mom. Mom? Mom! Mom! [ Man On Radio ] Thirty-eight-year-old Caucasian woman. Status: post-respiratory arrest in the field. Intubated, oxygenating poorly. [ Sighs ] [ Woman On P.A.] Dr. Gregory House, please call Dr. Cuddy at extension 3731. This is a good hospital? Depends what you mean by "good". I like these chairs. How is she? Stable. Okay. Your Mom had a small pulmonary embolism-- a blood clot that got stuck in her lungs, blocked the oxygen. But the pain started in her leg. Where the clot started-- her calf. It's called a deep vein thrombosis. Basically, a bigger clot. It never hurt there before. I would have noticed. A piece of that broke off, went up the vein, through her heart and blocked the blood flow to her lungs. No blood flow, no oxygen. Okay. Is your Dad here? I have some things I need to talk to him about. Uh, my Dad's running a little late. He's dead. Just talk to me. I take care of her. All right. Your mom's blood alcohol was .12. 10:30 in the morning. I gave it to her. Two ounces of vodka. It cools her out. But that's the first since Monday. That was three days ago. I've been real careful. She hears voices. She's schizophrenic. That explains the D.V.T. The alcohol makes her pass out. She's immobile for long periods of time. That doesn't happen. She's not an alcoholic. She only drinks when you give it to her? We put her on blood thinners. You can probably take her home tomorrow. It's not the alcohol. It's gotta be something else. Ofcourse it's the alcohol. Hello! This guy's a professional doctor. Plays golf and everything, I bet. He's not gonna tell you your mom's an alcoholic without proof. I'm sure he scoped for varices, checked her esophagus, ran all kinds of blood tests. Doctors like this, they don't make assumptions. They do the work. I'd be happy to refer you the case, Dr. House. You seem so interested. What case? It's over. You're sending her home. - How old is she? - You're a doctor? Own my own stethoscope. Did I ask you how old she was? I forget. A 38-year-old woman with no previous symptoms or history... presents with deep vein thrombosis. How did she get it? Oral contraceptives, smoking, diabetes, obesity. What's the point here? A D.V.T. is a D.V.T. Put her on I.V. Heparin to prevent future clots. - What's the big mystery? - Fine. You're all sleepy. You need a clue. She's 38 years old. She's 20 years too young to get a deep vein thrombosis. I treated a 12-year-old girl once, a soccer player. She got kicked in the leg. There was no trauma. None of the risk factors. You took a history? I have some notes. They're not mine, but reliable, I think, for the purposes of this discussion. As for the immobility, well, she's real active right now, ofcourse. Paranoia keeps her limber. - Paranoia? - Oh, yeah. She's schizophrenic. And her kid wrote this, so it might be a little biased. You know, having to take care of his nutso mom and all. You think there's a connection? - Do we include schizophrenia in the differential for D. V.T.? - Well-- The answer is no. Abnormal dopaminergic pathways in the brain do not cause blood clots. Schizophrenia is not the cause of D.V.T. On the other hand, we don't really know anything about schizophrenia, so maybe it is connected. Well, schizophrenia explains one mystery-- why you're so fascinated by a woman with a bump in her leg. It's like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence. Thanks. I'm more of a Leroy Neiman man. And it is only about the D.V.T. She's 38 years old. She shouldn't-- Right, solve this one, and you're on your way to Stockholm. We don't even know how to treat it. Come on. Fumigation of the vagina? A little louder. I don't think everyone heard you. Two thousand years ago, that's how Galen treated schizophrenics. The Marcus Welby of ancient Greece. Oh, clearly you're not interested. Oh, I'm interested. I'm interested in how voices in the head could be caused by malposition of the uterus. There's a better place for it? Now, what do we got? We've got lobotomies, rubber rooms, electric shocks. My, Galen was so primitive. Where are you going? Going to see the patient. That all-important human connection. Thought I'd give it a whirl. You won't talk to patients because they lie, but give you a patient with no concept of reality-- If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving, untreated schizophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic method-- the best way of teaching everything, apart from juggling chain saws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling. Dodging chain saws, no doubt. And that guitar player in that English band. He was great. You think I'm interested because of the schizophrenia. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Galen was pretty sure about the fumigation thing. Pink Floyd. - Mom, this is Dr. Gr-- - Gregory House. Nice to meet you. Would it be all right if we spoke alone for a while? [ Groans ] Well, you're gonna need me to-- I've got your case notes, Doctor. There's a cafeteria downstairs. Get yourself whatever you want, as long as there's enough left over for a Reuben sandwich, dry, no fries, hold the pickles. Should run you about 5.80 with tax. I'll page you when we're done. No... pickles. Nice kid. How much do you really drink? He's really talking to a patient? I don't know who I am anymore. It's a blood clot. What's so fascinating about that? He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think. They think badly. That's the definition of crazy. Why would he like-- They're not boring. He likes that. And the meds? Baseball. I like baseball. Very nice. Very sad. My boy and me, we went to see a game. Not "Mets". Meds. Medicine. You take what he tells you to take. No one believes me. I do. I thought he liked rationality. He likes puzzles. Patients are puzzles? You don't think so? I think they're people. Yeah. Well, he hates them, and he's fascinated by them. Tell me you can't relate to that sentiment. [ Laughing ] You told Luke it never hurt before. Just rough. They didn't hurt. Didn't? Don't lie to him, Limpy. Lively Lucy never lies to Lucas. Look what I do to him. [ Woman On P.A.] Radiation therapist to Oncology. Learn anything from the "human connection"? Yeah. The Mets suck. Also, for the last two months, she hasn't shaved her legs. Because of the tremors, she cuts herself. - The tremors aren't new. She must always cut herself. - Exactly. Something changed in the last two months. I'm thinking the amount of blood when she cut herself. So let's start with some blood work. Collect and send for clotting studies, P.T., P.T.T., factor five, protein "C" and "S". The whole shebang. Good luck. No pickles, and it's cold now. - If it's a Reuben, that's the way he likes it. - Everyone, this is Luke. - Allison Cameron. It's nice to finally meet you. - Yeah. Save it. We're busy. Luke, give us another half hour with your mom. We need to do some tests. Nice kid. Take her off the psych meds. That way we'll know what's what on the physical side. And who knows, we might get more out of her. Don't worry. No pickles. Happy birthday. Okay. Whose? I was going through your mail, and it was on a form. Happy birthday. Oh. No! No blood! Not mine! For the test. Dr. House told us-- [ Spits ] You're gonna steal it! Sell it! No! No blood! No! No blood! No! No blood! Haldol, five milligrams, stat. No! No! No! No! No! [ Whimpering ] No! No! Oh, no! [ Sighs ] N-No! [ Sighs, Moans ] No. [ Moaning ] [ Door Opens ] Well, good news. The lab says it's not strep, so we're done. Wait a second. No, really not strep. The boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know. Plus, your kid actually has none of the symptoms for strep. It was quicker running the test than arguing with you. My point is, go! I just wanted to ask your opinion, Doctor. She's having a birthday party next week, and she's upset that I'm getting a sugarless cake. The other kids hate it. This is why you're here. Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America. You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar. She needs to get her weight under control. Well, you know, I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours-- a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis and athlete's foot. That's not fair. Oh, yes, it is. No, I get it. You want her to slim down a little so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets. Hey, what about matching outfits? You could be twins. [ Gasps ] She can't be your daughter. It's impossible! You look way too young. Happy birthday. Get the kid a damned ice cream cake. [ Woman on P.A.] Dr. Wyland to Obstetrics. Dr. Wyland, Obstetrics. - You drugged her. - Actually, I didn't. I've taken her off all medication. Your guy Foreman gave her Haldol. We needed blood for tests. I assumed that was the only way to get it. He knocked her out. Look, I have a cane, and I know how to use it. I hired you. You work for me. Okay. Can I go now, boss? The Haldol changes her. She says it makes her soul numb. Don't give it to her. "If there be rags enough, he will know her name and be well pleased remembering it". [ Coughing ] You okay? Old days. "For in the old days, "though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise". [ Coughs ] [ Groaning ] Oh! Help! Somebody help! So, when I said no psych meds, I'm just curious-- which word didn't you understand? The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint. Oh, great. Well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren't pure. Oh-- Those side effects are so rare! What, passing out, increased confusion, depression? That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna screw up our diagnosis, 'cause you just used it to restrain her. I'm so relieved. She spit in my face. [ House ] That must have been so frightening for you. What was I supposed to do, tie her down? Yeah. Anything but give her drugs. That's basically my point. The clotting studies. Pretty fast. Did you promise to date the entire lab? No, I save that for emergencies. I told them she bled out two units and if it happened again, she'd die. If it had happened at home, she would have died. The E.R. doc, he was gonna send her home. - I used my best judgment. - It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. - Here's an idea-- next time, use mine. - I think they're choosing a movie. Why did the patient bleed out? The clotting studies so far are normal. Well, cover your ears if you don't want me to spoil the ending. Everything was normal, except for a prolonged P.T. time. - Which means what? - Usually it means whoever drew the blood didn't do it right. Oh, that's right, 'cause you drew the blood. - But you were precise because you knew the tube was purely for the P.T. study. - That's right. And I'm right with you. I trust this result, for two reasons-- "A", because you are a good doctor, and "B", because five milligrams of I.V. Haldol... makes for a spectacularly cooperative patient. The prolonged P.T. time makes me think she's got a vitamin "K" deficiency. [ Cameron ] Vitamin "K" would explain the bleed, but not the clot. Without vitamin "K", protein "C" doesn't work. Without protein "C", she clots. Clotting and thinning all at the same time. What about another drug interacting with Heparin, an antibiotic like ampicillin? That would cause the bleed. Clever, but she's not on ampicillin. Two months ago, she complained of a sore throat, and he got her ampicillin. - Which she refused to take. - He just said she didn't take it. What is it, everybody lies except for schizophrenics and their children? It's more likely than malnourishment. Why not scurvy or the plague? Gee, I wish my idea was as cool and with-it as yours. What is yours, by the way? Do you have one? Alcohol. Simple. It causes immobility, which explains the D.V.T. It also causes cirrhosis, which explains the bleed and the prolonged P.T. time. - Let's ultrasound the liver. - [ House ] Three theories. Check out her place for ampicillin and diet. Then ultrasound her liver. Let's find out who's right before she bleeds to death. 101. So House says the kid is sensitive, thinks he takes good care of her. But if we don't find anything, why let him know we did it in the first place? What's the point? Why not just make old Foreman lift the key from the kid's backpack? Looks like Luke sleeps in the living room. Nothing in there. He lays out her clothes? Enough organization, enough lists, you think you can control the uncontrollable. Fix her meds, fix her clothes, maybe you can even fix her. Pick that up on your psych rotation? Trifluoperazine, Thorazine, Clozarile. Whew. They tried everything. The ampicillin-- never touched it. There goes Cameron's theory. Oh, God, I hope it's not a vitamin "K" deficiency. [ Sighs ] Damn. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. House was right. [ Beeping ] That's the only thing she'll eat. Yeah. The problem is, you can't actually live on this stuff. I checked it out. I looked on the box. All the nutritional values are solid. There's plenty of protein and calories. Yeah, vitamin "A" and "C", but no "K". That's why your mom got sick. So what's the plan then? Load her up with vitamin "K". That's it? If it all checks out, you can take her home in a couple of days. [ Sighs ] Oh, God, you're upset about something. You're gonna open up to me now, aren't you? It's all my fault. Here we go. Okay, I'm gonna say this once: You have done a very good job taking care of your mother. If this was all she'd eat, then what else could you do? Gosh, just being a kid is a full-time job. Shut up! I'm 18. I should be able to take care of my mom. I almost killed her. Good example. Just the time it takes to express those ridiculous, self-centered teenage ideas. I don't envy your schedule. No pickles. My mom doesn't like 'em either. Smart woman. Before she got sick, I didn't like how bossy she was. Always telling me what to do, the right way to do it. [ Chuckles ] Never thought I'd miss that. Oww. [ Groans ] You should get that looked at. I still don't buy a vitamin "K" deficiency. House was right. That usually makes you happy. Less work for us. The kid feeds his mom a steady diet of booze, and the problem is too many burgers? The kid's in a tough situation. You do what you gotta do to survive. Feeding alcohol to an alcoholic is not a survival technique. Where I come from, if it works-- Yeah, right. I'm rich. I couldn't possibly understand what this kid is going through. Just because you're drinking pricier stuff doesn't mean you don't have a problem. You've seen someone stagger down that road? No way vitamin "K" is the whole story. [ Sighs ] It's not broken. See this, right here? It's the epiphyseal plate, otherwise known as the "growth plate". What's wrong with it? Amazing thing, this bone. If you know how to read it, it can tell you how old someone really is. - Exactly how old. - Great. Mmm, not even 15. Almost though. Two weeks away. Maybe a month. Last week. I was 15 last week. Happy birthday to both of us. If you're gonna lie though, go big. Go 21. That way you won't need your crazy mom to help you buy vodka. Uh, great. Thanks for the tip. Now, when I bring my mom home, is there anything I need to know about taking care of her? I suppose your biggest worry isn't the booze. You're 15, basically no mom. If Child Welfare let kids get away with that, they wouldn't need those nice foster homes, and that would make them sad. They'd put her someplace too. My life is working. Not the word I'd use. Most 15-year-old kids are doing what they're supposed to be doing. You know, they're huffing glue, catching crabs. If you turn me in, I'll sue you. That's privileged information. Oh, relax. It's not even your X-ray. She's awfully calm. House wrote new orders. There's a little bit of scarring. Not much. Not enough to-- It's cirrhosis. Oh, but she doesn't drink. Congratulations. You win. Actually, no one wins. Tumor. Cystic? [ Cameron ] Solid mass. Cancer. The vitamin "K" caused the D.V.T. and aggravated the liver, but the tumor's the real reason for the bleed. The tumor's the problem. Mrs. Palmero, I'm Dr. Wilson. I'm afraid I have some bad news from your ultrasound. You have cancer. [ No Audible Dialogue ] It's big. 5.8 centimeters. We do nothing, she dies from liver failure within 60 days. - She needs a transplant. - That's gonna happen. - She's 38 years old. She's a mother. - She's a schizophrenic mother with no money, on the public dole, in fact, who knocks back vodka every time a breeze blows her way. Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him. He got a transplant. Yeah, well, Lucy can't switch-hit. Plan "B"-- surgery to resect the tumor. Joe Bergin does the gamma knife thing. Laser cauterizes while it cuts, saves more liver. The tumor's way too big. He won't even consider it. Not a big risk-taker, Bergin. Won't even drink milk on its expiration date. He has no discretion. 5.8 centimeters is past the surgical guidelines. Would he do it at 4.6? Why don't we just say it's zero? Then we don't need him at all. Tumors grow, they don't shrink. This one does. Ninety-five percent ethanol. The ethanol dehydrates the tumor cells. Literally sucks them dry. It shrinks the tumor temporarily. How temporarily? Well, if we're lucky, just long enough to fool the surgeon. [ Woman On P.A.] Dr. Shopius, report to Psych Exam. Dr. Shopius, Psych Exam. Good morning, Dr. House. Good morning, Dr. Cuddy. Love that outfit. It says, "I'm professional, but I'm still a woman". Actually, it sort of yells the second part. Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too. Gotta go. Those running noses aren't just gonna start walking on their own. The clinic can wait. How long? Maybe we could catch a movie. You should know by now my doctors have no secrets from me. I don't believe it. Who came running to Mommy? It doesn't matter who. The point is, I know exactly what you did. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Somebody knows about a bad thing you did. That's a big field. But somebody you think might've told me. That narrows it down quite a bit. Someone who views me as a maternal authority figure. Ayoung person perhaps? How am I doing? Think I'm gonna get there? Presumably hospital business. How many patients-- It's Cameron. She found out about my birthday. I thought she told you and I'd have to stand here and smile while you gave me a sweatshirt or a fruit basket. You know, made me feel that deep sense of belonging. Actually, I was just gonna remind you, you owe me six clinic hours this week. Oops. Hi, this is Dr. Cuddy. I need all the charts on Dr. House's current patients. [ Hiccup ] I've tried everything. Mm-hmm. "Pulling the tongue, ice packs on the throat, hitting yourself, the groin pinch". Well, you've certainly covered all the normal medical bases. Uh, how are you hitting yourself though? Is it with an open hand or a fist? Open hand. Uh-huh. Well, that's-- that's how they teach it at Harvard Med. How hard though? I'm sorry. I missed that. Could you do that again? Uh-- That's- - That's very good. [ Hiccup ] It's hiccups. I need to speak with you now. Mm-hmm. I need to go pee-pee. Dial it up a notch and repeat. I'll be back. Ooh. Girl in the boy's bathroom. Very dramatic. It must be very important, what she has to say to me. Yesterday your patient's tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it's 4.6. How does that happen? Well, at a guess, I'd say, "That Dr. House must be really, really good. Why am I wasting him on hiccups?" I wash before and after. You also requisitioned 20 c.c.'s of ethanol. What patient was that for? Or are you planning a party? Do me a favor. I was gonna say leave, but that works. - You shrunk the tumor. - Only way to get the guy to do the surgery. Fraud was the only way? [ Sighs ] There is a reason that we have these guidelines. I know. To save lives. Specifically, doctors' lives. And not just their lives, but their lifestyles. Wouldn't want to operate on anyone really sick. They might die and spoil our stats. Bergin has a right to know what he is operating on. True. I got all focused on her right to live and forgot. You do what you think is right. You really didn't know? No, I didn't. And, frankly, I'm angry. Which I'm guessing is the correct response. - Ofcourse, I'll know better once you tell me what you're talking about. - Your birthday. Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally, I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again. It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. You think that's lame? Why are you here? Did you buy me a pony? I'm just waiting for the surgery. Yeah, well, go scrub in. All right, we're done. Close her up. The tumor didn't just walk itself into a bar and order up a double shot of ethanol. Someone shrunk it down. I'm sorry. It was very, very wrong. House is lucky I didn't just close her up. He tries it again, that's what happens. I'll pass it on. [ Chase ] It looks like the surgeon got it all, but she's gonna have to have some chemotherapy. [ Luke ] What kind is it? [ Pencil Scratching ] [ Sighs ] Luke, stop writing. If you stop for a second, it's not all gonna fall apart. Give yourself a break once in a while. The fact is, your Mom's gonna have an extra drink every now and then. No. No. She won't. She doesn't. Fine. There are some things you just can't fix. That's all I'm saying. That's how you'd handle it, something like this? You'd just give up? No. I'd do it just like you. It's an infusion. She's gonna have a drain in her abdomen. You're going to have to check for possible infection. [ Woman ] Lucas Palmero? Trina Wyatt, Child Services, State of New Jersey. Can I help you? This is a private room. He's only 15 years old, a minor. He's in a tough living situation. We're just here to help. I don't need your help. Fifteen? Lucas, you're gonna have to come with us right now. Where are you taking him? Until the determination is made, he'll be housed at Children's Services. I don't want to be "housed". I live with my mom. Not for the next few days. Come on. Let's not make this difficult, huh? Mom? Mom? I love you. When the Mets lost, you remember? Yeah. I remember. I love you. [ Stifles Sob ] [ Sniffling ] Cuddy didn't say anything about pushing Bergin to finish the surgery? Not a word. Some kind of mind game. She's waiting for me to crack. Well, either that or she's just being nice. Yeah, right. You said you wouldn't call. You're a real bastard, you know. Yeah, I get that a lot. I don't think Mom's crazy. "For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise". You called Social Services. It was you. N- - No. No. It's okay, it's okay. I get it. He'll have an easier time dealing with the system. Sure, he won't be with his real mother, but his real mother's sick. Someone needs to take care of him. I'm not gonna live here. What would his future have been, taking you to chemo and back on the bus? And even if the cancer's in complete remission, he'll still have a mother who hears voices. Talk no more. Talk no more. "Look what I do to him, Limpy". You said that. I checked the phone records. Only one call from this room. Smart, because they charge you two bucks a call. It was to Social Services, the State of New Jersey. [ Sighs ] You're his mother. You couldn't do it to him anymore. Good for you. Schizophrenics can make rational decisions. On the small stuff, yeah-- when to sleep, what to drink, you know. "No lemonade, but I'll take some hemlock if you've got it". Huh. Your man Socrates. But giving up your son because it's better for him, it's so sane, it's so rational. Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of schizophrenia. It excludes the diagnosis. She's not schizophrenic? Look, she's 36 years old when she first presents. It's a little late, but within the parameters. The internist sends her to a shrink. One shrink sends her to the next. She tells them all she's not crazy. The drugs don't work. And why would they if she's not a head case? She got clearer when I took her off the psych meds. You think I'm crazy. Well, yeah, but that's not the problem. Didn't we just leave your office? I like to walk. [ Classical Piano Music Plays ] [ Music Continues ] Is that Dr. Jeffrey Walters? Hi. My name is Greg House. I'm a doctor-- Oh, is that the time? I'm- - Yeah. I'm sorry. My watch must have stopped. Uh, listen, you treated a patient about 18 months ago, a woman named Lucille Palmero. I wondered if you recalled running any tests... at all. [ British Accent ] Oh, how terribly foolish of me, Doctor. Is it that late? Yes, I'm calling from London, you see? Must have got my times mixed up-- I have a headache. It's my only symptom. I go to see three doctors. The neurologist tells me it's an aneurysm. The immunologist says I've got hay fever. The intensivist can't be bothered. Sends me to a shrink, who tells me that I'm punishing myself 'cause I want to sleep with my mommy. - Maybe you're just not getting enough sleep? - Pick your specialist, you pick your disease. If it's not schizophrenia, what else presents with psych symptoms? - Porphyria. - The Madness of King George. What about that copper thing? What's it called? It's genetic. The body accumulates too much copper. Oh, um, uh, Wilson's Disease? [ Cameron ] Yeah. Very rare. Nice. I like it. - If any of us did this, you'd fire us. - Well, that's funny. I thought I encouraged you to question. You're not questioning. You're hoping. You want it to be Wilson's. Boom. Give her a couple of drugs, she's okay. July 17. An appointment with a Dr. Karn. She didn't keep it. She never kept another appointment with a shrink he made after that. Karn is not a shrink. I looked him up. He's an ophthalmologist. Now why would she want her eyes checked? Wilson's presents with cataracts, I think. Yes, it does. It also causes slight cirrhosis, which Dr. Chase so eagerly attributed to alcohol. So what are we still doing here? Lucy! I don't think you're crazy. [ Sighs ] Neither do I. But I'm crazy. Come on. Lean over here. Come on. [ House ] That's it. Put your hands on the bar here and your chin in here. Thank you. You're gonna see a bright light, okay? Your body might be accumulating too much copper. If it is, this should help us see something called Keyser-Fleischer rings-- copper-colored circles around your corneas. Wow. I guess we should start treating her for Wilson's. That's what I'd do. [ Monitor Beeping ] [ Lucy ] "I will talk no more of books or the long war, "but walk by the dry thorn until I have found some beggar sheltering from the wind... "and there manage the talk until her name come round. If there be rags enough, he will know her name and be well pleased remembering it." "For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise". [ Sighs ] Hi, Mrs. Palmero. Ready to go home? Almost. Mom? [ Sighs ] How are you? I'm good. Oh! [ Laughs ] Oh-- Oh, you really need a haircut. [ Both Laugh ] [ Bell Dings ] Dr. House. Luke, we're making Dr. House wait. That's okay. We're just here for the music. Luke, come on. I'm being discharged. I heard a rumor. Thank God I had cancer, huh? - It's terrible having everybody think you're nuts. - Really? - I called to thank you. Did you get my message? - Yes. You're welcome. I'm never thanking you. You turned me in. I told you we were doing okay. It was none of your business. Look, I don't care how you were living. I just wanted you out of my life. That's why I had Dr. Cuddy call Social Services. [ Bell Dings ] You okay? You were right. It wasn't the D.V.T. It was the schizophrenia. I know. She's not nearly as interesting anymore. Isn't it your birthday around now? - My name's Gloria, for what it's worth ...and yours? - Barros... Andrés Barros... - Don't worry... your buddies already paid for it... Oh yeah, that's right... well, Gloria, I don't know what you charge, but you're worth double. - Very nice, Andrés Barros... - Thank you... - Roberto? Hey man! They go and pay the whole deal, what's up with that? Call me later, bye. - Great night, wasn't it? - Hi! - Hi - You didn't tell me you were going to show up. - I can leave, if you want... - Oh no! No, no - Hello - Hello honey - Come in, sit down, sorry about the mess. - So how did it go last night at your bachelor party? - Not bad... you know how much those guys drink... - ¿Where did you go? - You should talk about that with my lawyerok? - Oh, I'd rather not know, did you really forget our breakfast plans? - What? - I came to pick you up for breakfast, then I was going to drop you of at the office. - Of course I remember... - Come on honey, hurry up we're late! - Yeah sure... - Hurry up...! - Ok, ok... - Come on! ...and that's only for this year... We really think we've made a good investment. - We agree. This contract is very important for us, too... Yes, and we'd like to thank you for your confidence and for your investment... you know, I think you've made an excellent decision. - Ok... - It was great meeting you. - And you. - Have a good trip, bye. - It was a pleasure... - And good luck. - Thanks. We'll keep in touch... - Ok. - Ok, bye... - Bye, congratulations. Hope all goes well. Héctor, please take them to the elevator... Héctor will help you... - Perfect! Next week, we'll sign the papers. - Fuck man, it's a lot of money! A lot... you take charge of the changes to the contract, ok? ... and how about last night? - Oh! Fine, fine... and thanks for paying, it really wasn't necessary... - It was our "fucking" gift, don't you remember? - I know, I know... - Or do you feel... a little guilty Mr. Barros? - What are you talking about? - That's what I'm talking about! Two, fifteen... I think the good life has really got a hold on you, man! What good life? Work, and more work, what life is that? Come on, don't be ungrateful, you're closer than ever to signing the contract of your life... by the way, when are you flying to BuenosAires? The day after tomorrow, I think... but it won't be a real "trip". I mean I'll land there, get the signatures and fly back the same evening. Take it easy, I only meant to say that you seem a little edgy... Hi guys! - Congratulations my friend! How's it goin' - How you doing man? - ¿How about your special night? - What do you expect? Nice, of course... - Yes, nice... not bad... - You must be crazy. That girl is amazing! I'd like to thank you for your gift, it was a real nice gesture, but you shouldn't have gotten - Wait, wait, wait! Sorry, but you don't have to thank us for anything. We only hope you enjoyed it. - Well, I think he'd like to repeat... Oh man, you shouldn't! Look, on one hand we've got our bachelor parties, but marriage is another thing all together ok? And, in the other hand, we have our marriage - Yes sir! Like us, indeed! Come on! What's up with you guys? Change gears okay? You'd think you'd been locked up for ten years come on, let's get out of here. Shut up, ok? - No comments about this. - Sure, don't worry... - And you played well - ¿Andrés Barros? - Mr. Barros, There's a young woman waiting for you. - Gloria - Mrs... Gloria - (off) tell her to come in. - This way, please. To your left. - Thanks... - Good evening sir, am I interrupting you? - You should have checked with me first... How can I help you? - I just need a lawyer Look, right know we're completely booked, but I can give you the number of a friend. I only need some advice if you understand... nobody has to know about this, if you don't want to If you could answer some questions for me... I can pay however you prefer ...Heh, what's up? You didn't enjoy your time with me? Why don't we go to my place? ...Let's go... Andrés, it's Rosario speaking... What's up, honey? I'm still waiting for your call, we're supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight I know you're there - I so call me honey... love you. - I really love you... - Morning - I'm going up to 406. - ¿Why didn't you let me know you were coming? I mean, I could have been with a client. - ¿What happened to your face? - Somebody wants to kill me. - ¿Who is "somebody"? His name is Carlos, he was a client, we had an affaire, you know... but please, you can't tell anybody about this, ok? Look, we can take this to the court, we can put a restriction on the guy and I'll talk to my partner... no, no, no, please no! I mean... I just thought you could give me some advice, nothing else... I'm sorry... - It's ok... shh... - That was Carlos, wasn't it? - I... I really want you to go... - Hey, wait, wait a second! I don't understand! - Go! Please, go! Listen to me, listen! I don't really care about you, ok? It doesn't matter to me so don't be calling me at home telling me about your problems ...Ok, ok, ok, take it easy... take it easy... Nothing is going to happen to you. Listen to me. Look, I just want you to tell me... what's going on. - Hey honey... - Hi! ...This is Peter, the artist - A Pleasure to meet you. ...Andrés, my fiancé - Fiancé? Cheers! - Cheers, but for the bride! - Cheers sweetie! ¿Could you stay here with Roberto? I want to introduce Peter to some Friends ... - Ok! Congratulations Peter - Thank you very much. - ¿Everything ok? - Just great... look at your cousin... what else could I ask for? And me... the jewel of our family with my best friend, it sounds perfect ¿Who invited her? Rosario did, she felt sorry for her, Carolina always looks so sad. - Wait for me just a second. - Wait, wait, wait, stop, wait a second, Sorry but I don't feel... Listen to me... - Leave me alone! - Come on honey... - You don't even realize that I'm really trying! - Trying? Sure... trying. - Of course I'm trying! This is just great - you were trying, so was I, it didn't work out this time. These things happen, don't exaggerate it! Don't exaggerate! I've been calling you all day, you disappear, I can't find you anywhere. I was working. Is that so strange? - Right, working. Oh please Look at me boy! If I ever find out that you are cheating on me... you know what I mean, you have no idea what I'm capable of. Rosario, please! You know me, don't you? I don't understand why you're bringing all of this up now . Don't you realize that I'm flying to BuenosAires early tomorrow morning? - Why don't you leave right now! - Remember that those are your own words - Good evening Mr. Barros , It's your travel agent, Maria Angelica speaking I just wanted to let you know that your ticket is ready and that it can be picked up directly at the counter at the airport. Thank-you. Good- bye. - HiAndrés, it's Gloria speaking. I'm very sorry, I want to tell you everything. Please call me, my cell number is ninety-five, nineteen, fifty- six, forty- eight. Call me. - Gloria...? - Andrés! What's the hell is going on with you? You call me, leave me some strange messages, I really don't get you! ...listen, I'm on my way to your apartment right now I want my card back, I don't want anything else to do with you. There's absolutely nothing between us. Can you - You have no idea I have to go. - You know I don't like it when you smoke... I need your help. - I told you I can't help you. - I just need money. - I have nothing, not even one "peso" - You just bought this fucking apartment! ...Yeah! And I gave you a key so you could come here when things are bad, when you're worn out. I want you to leave... I'm so tired and... - Listen to me! I need help, and you're going to help me... ok? - Follow her. - Aren't you going to get out here? - Take it easy, wait a bit. - But... what if she shows up at your ofice? - I know, I know, calm down... HER NAME IS GLORIA, SHE LIVES AT 280 SUECIA STREET" - Who is the bald guy? - Carlos - Follow the car... the red car, come on... - I'm getting out here. Find a parking spot and wait for me. - Hi! Something to drink? ¡Fuck, how is it possible? ... This is all you've got? ... This is a fucking shit! ... Two days to go, then I get back and look at this! How can you even show me this money, you mother fucker? - That's all boss... - Oh, sure, that's all! Don't try and fuck me over! - He's telling the true, man, everything's going wrong here... - Am I talking to you? - I am talking to you, cause I work... - Am I talking to you bitch? Heh, Am I? Shut up bitch! You don't fuck with me! You all bitches, fucking whores! Fed up of you, pieces of shit! - Forget the coffee? - Why? - No, I'm sorry, thanks. - Where are you going? Stay a bit! - No, idiot, we've got to follow him, come on. - Just a coffee, come on man... - Let's go, come on... where's the cab? - On Bilbao street, but... - I'll be back ladies! - Morning sir... - Morning... - ¡You killed her...! - Please, don't... please! - You killed my girl, motherfucker! - No, please! - ¡You killed her! - How could I? I just got here! - You killed her, son of the bitch you killed her! - Please listen to me, I did not! - Yes you did! You piece of shit you killed her! I was just arriving when... - You did it! ... ou did it! Yes you did! No, no, no, please, I just arrived, I have my passport here, please! - Don't move! What are you doing? - My passport, it's my passport... - Don't move, don't move! Please don't shoot. Can't you see? I just arrived, just arrived, I have nothing to do with her... she called me, I'm... you know, I was a client, I'm a lawyer so she asked me for a little help because she had problems with a client of hers, mean, she didn't want to see him any more And who you are? For you I'm Ernesto, and my version is the truth from this moment, you got me? If I wanted to I could shot you right here... like this or like this... I can do that so cool, so smooth... eh? Then I can put this in your hand and you "committed suicide", and tomorrow the papers will look after the confusion Nobody can get here and kill her for free, even if she's just a slut who you wanted to fuck, you're up to your neck in this one fucker If you aren't Carlos, you're gonna help me find him Me - I was never here I don't exist here,. Your prints are everywhere, all through this apartment. You with me? - Take her. - Over there. Turn off the water come on... What have you got there? Change your t-shirt put your hands on the table... take the cell phone no, no, leave your bag there... close the door, close it. - Over there... over there, come on... - To the red car, over there, move it... - What perfume to you use fucker? - English lavender... it's cologne Cologne... you know she told me that... she told me that nobody kissed her like him... Carlos... the bastard... son of a bitch... - I don't understand. - Bitches never kiss, Mr. Lawyer... they only kiss the men they love... Did she kiss you? - No... - What did she do for you? Ok, you know what we're gonna do? I'm not gonna take the stuf out of her apartment, I'm not gonna clean it up, I'm not gonna give your stuff back until you've helped me find Carlos. Ok? - Rosario! What's wrong? Do you need anything? Ok. We have three days, maybe four since she's under water, then she'll start to smell bad. I don't know where to start! You probably have a much better idea of where to find him. - That's the deal. I stand by my word. Get out, get out! - How can I get in touch with you? - I have your documents, you're info, I'll call you. - I couldn't make anyone happy Roberto... Why didn't I fall in love with you? - Rosario, please. ...look, we'll clear this up, I'll findAndrés and then call you, ok? - Fuck him! He can disappear for all I care! - Don't say that. - It's always you who ends up consoling me. - That's what I'm here for. - Okay, talk with him but, don't tell him about the videotape. Ok, ok, but this could be a "misse an scene", I've seen several similar cases. Think about that. Roberto, I'm not a little girl, ok? I know what I'm talking about... you always warned me not to get involved with him because he'd make me suffer, now look at me... Take it easy, ok? I'll find him and then call you. Why don't you answer me? Ernesto, man, I've been calling for two days straight and. I need the money, the fifteen million, you know My son will visit you tomorrow, ok? Give him the money fucker. Hello... Andrés... Where have you been man? Why did you take so long to get to BuenosAires? ... What's the matter with you? Where are you now? Listen, Rosario knows about your affair with the hooker, I covered your ass man, but if you don't call her soon you're fucked Andres? Hello? - Hello? So your fiancés name is Rosario? Is it true that she's the owner... of that very famous art gallery? What's it called? - Where did you get that information? I got it the same place that I found out you work for that successful law firm. Now listen I need to meet you the day after tomorrow. But, you gave me three days, it was a deal... Change of plan,. Things are gonna start getting ugly Have you got anything on Carlos? How can I, I don't even know who he is! You could do that. - But I don't exist here buddy, look, I think it's very clear, I'll shut my mouth, but you have to be a good boy, ok? You better do as I say, first of all you find Carlos, then you get me some cash... - Cash? - That's right, cash. Don't tell me you haven't got any? Of course not, you've got my credit cards, my documents, everything. I haven't got a thing! Wait, wait, wait. You think I'm gonna clean up that apartment for free? I'm not talkin' about change for the bus, I'm talkin' about fifteen million pesos. - Fifteen millions... in cash! Are you kidding? Where do you think I'm gonna get that kind of money? How much do you think it's worth... to get your life back? . I'll call you and let you know where and when, otherwise I'll talk with your pretty bride You son of the bitch! If you put a hand on her... I'll... Hello... hello? What are you doing here? I called you but your cell phone was out. What's with you? - She was unconscious when I got there... - So you heard them fucking, and you went in to take a look? - Well... yes, I did... but... - But what? Is that how it was or not? - Ok, you're right, that's what happened. Do you realize? ... we have no defense... You're fucked. I don't know what the fuck you went in there for - Well, you know... I don't know, really... I felt like she was threatening me, maybe I wanted to get my card back. I mean to erase my self from there... I really don't know man... - What went on between you and that girl? " - Wait; wait... if you think I killed her" why don't you call the police now ok? - Good morning. I'd like to file a report. Stop! ... What's the matter with you, man? Why are you doing this? I'm putting myself in the place of the judge This is what will happen to you if you don't do exactly what I say. - Ok, ok, whatever you say. - Did you get a look at that guy? Carlos? No, I didn't. Well, you know I think it was him who left through the emergency door when I got there but, I didn't actually see him. So we have no information on him. That's probably just a name he gave to the hooker. I think Ernesto is Carlos... well, maybe not, maybe he gave me that name to throw me off. I think he's trying to gain time, I think he's planning to leave the country Shit, I don't know, I've been thinking a lot since yesterday evening. Look, it doesn't matter if we don't find that Carlos guy, ok? Ernesto wants money, and we need your bag and all stufs back from that apartment. - I don't care about the money,. But Rosario... that's what I'm worried about How did she get dragged into this? Well, somebody sent her a security video with you and the girl in the elevator Shit! What's this, man? ... Wait, wait, and wait if you appear on that videotape then there are probably some more Images of the day she was murdered. - That doorman is a strange guy. He should have copies of the videotapes. Then we've got to get the tapes from him now Tell me where to find him, and I'm gone. You stay here and try to relax. Don't go anywhere. Here in Santiago. I'll figure out what to say to the doorman. Your best defense is that no one knows you're Not even Rosario. - How is she? - Bad, but for now it's better that she stays out of this. Anything you get on them, call me, ok? Ernesto and Gloria, there must be some information. - I just got your copies... Juan... - please follow me. - Ok. ROBERTO WE HAVE TO TALK, HERE, TOMORROW EVENING. YOU BETTER SEE THIS, I HAVE COPIES Rosario... it's Roberto... I foundAndrés, he's in BuenosAires, his flight was late... Listen Rosario, everything will be ok, don't worry... please call me, I need to talk to you Andrés? ... hello man! You just up and left the other day What's up? You don't like my car, or something? Listen, we're friends, aren't we? Tell me, did you get BuenosAires, or not? - No, not yet... - Shit, man! I figured you were there dancing tango, having a drink, a steak, fucking girls. Is it true that those assholes mix water in with their wine? Haven't you left yet? - Too much workman, too much work. Hey honey! The other side, please! ... Do I have to explain everything? No, no, no man, you're so wrong, how many times have I told you? Life is for living fucking girls, drinking, By the way, how's married life? What's new with Rosario? She's fine, really, we're not gonna go to see how hard they fucked your beautiful "friend" again What a crazy girl, man! ... They Listen man, I gotta go now, ok? Really messed her up bad ... and then she sucked harder and swallowed! She likes the "venom"! Well, listen brother, I've gotta go, phone cards aren't free you know, and I'm in the middle of an important deal. If you need anything just give me a call... later - Something to drink? - No, no, no, talk to me. I talked with a friend at Court, she told me about a prostitute named Gloria. She was arrested a long time ago with her friend Ernesto Bahamondes, a hotel manager. - That's them - Of course it is! - Where did you get this? Well, I talked with that doorman, he lied and lied, he said that he has nothing to do with that videotapes... When I got to my office, I found this tape - Did you see it? - Yes... I saw everything... Rosario's in it. - What? - Images don't lie. - What are you talking about? I really don't know but I think... she watched that videotape where you appear with that girl, ok? She got furious, she went to talk to her, they had a wrangle or something... you know... it could be an accident. But... how is it possible... Rosario... who the hell sent you this tape? ... Ernesto, he's fucking with us... shit! What the fuck are we gonna do now? We have to get the tapes from Ernesto. If Rosario is guilty? We have to protect her. We both know she's no murderer, this was an accident. - We have to get that apartment, right now We have to get rid of the prints Ernesto killed that girl, I have no doubt about it, now - Listen Roberto, you don't have to get mixed up in this. - Tell those bastards that I'm not in Santiago. - Hi - Hi, where's your boss? - I really don't know, he's out from the city, I think. - Hi, It's Rosario, please leave me a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible, thanks. - Hello Rosario, you don't know me... my name is Ernesto, I'm a friend of Andrés I needto talk to you. I need to meet you, actually - Hello? - Ernesto, I finally get to meet you, man! - Hello Mr. Ernesto, we were looking for you ...here, here! - I just talked with your father boy... I'll get the money tomorrow. - You're a fucking idiot Ernesto, why in the hell did you take on a debt like that? Look, if it were up to me I wouldn't give you one more day ...Let's see guys... in any case I don't think you'll get fifteen million together by tomorrow. What do the rest of you think? - Of course not, where from? Give me your hand... your hand, man! ... Look ...fifteen millions peso tomorrow... my friend. - Calm down man, you'll talk with her... Where's your date with Ernesto tomorrow? - On the street, in front of our ofice... No way man, we've got to get him upstairs... and he has to bring us the videotapes... at about half past six, there's usually nobody around at that time, Shit! ... I don't know the number I bet it's him... should I answer? ...Hello? Yes! Yes, yes... yes, of course I've got your money... and Carlos, too ...yes, sure, but there will be a little change, Listen, you'll have to come up to my office, ok? No, later, at a half past six, eleventh floor, No, later, at a half past six, eleventh floor, bring the videotapes with you, don't forget... well, the one you sent to Rosario and the other one What? Oh, no, no, no! Ok! Ok! Whatever you say! I've got it! Sure I have but, please listen to me, I! ... Hello? ... He'll be in the street at five o'clock, he says he has no idea about the videotapes... - What about Carlos? - He wants the money at first, then he wants Carlos. - Sure, you give him the money and then he kills you 'cause you don't have any Carlos... No, this is the plan, first he give me my documents back and then we give him the money, then we can tell him a story about Carlos... now we've got to clean that apartment... - ¡Oh shit, Andrés! - Shit! - He's absolutely crazy, man! - I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted. - I'll wait till it turns of. - Your bill. I don't know, I'll call back... well Andres you'll have to meet him, on the street what else can we do? We won't get anywhere on the street... you'll have to go down and convince him to come up... Look, he drives a sport red car, 80's style, you know, very ordinary. ...He's easy to recognize, he's bald tell him you're my lawye and a good friend of mine, and that you helped me find Carlos then tell him that we have the money but, first, he has to give us the keys to the apartment and the videotapes too, of course you have to convince him. Hey Mr. Lawyer, what's up? . What's up, you bastard? Who's this idiot you sent? Am I speaking Chinese, or do you not understand what I said? I'm not going up to your fucking ofice okay? And I haven't got any fucking videotapes - Mr. Roberto, I'm off. - Whatever you want... - Son of a bitch! He's gone crazy, man! He just called me and denied everything! - I know, he got away! Find him you fucker! - Fuck! He won't answer! - Shit... shit! - Hey, wait! What's wrong? Have you gone mad? We need to change our plan, Andrés. We can't let this guy tell us... how things are done. Wait, wait... I won't... I mean, I'm not gonna... Don't count me in on this don't you remember you're a lawyer? What if someone else is involved, if someone else is giving us the run around? But... think, man, he's the only one who appears on the videotape... Ernesto is doing this to save his own ass. - Hi! ... Yeah, it's me... Why didn't you show up last night? Right now? No, no, wait! ... Ok. - I don't know how you think it's gonna helpAndres by giving me these videos. - That's what I wanted to talk to you about last night. - But you didn't show up. - I ran into some problems, that's all... and... what are on those tapes anyway? - You know as well as I do you're the one who sent them. - I didn't send you anything... What's on the tapes? - They show Andres and the dead woman in the elevator... - Gloria was her name, ok? And what else? Oh, give me a break, I'm not gonna give you all the details. You know what? If we got hold of the other tapes from that day we could find out who killed Gloria Sorry but, did you fuck on a sport red car anytime? Do you know what we're gonna do? You're going to drive us straight to... the office of your boyfriend, Ok? But first we're gonna make a little phone call. - Hello? ... Rosario? - Andrés! ... Andrés, please, do what he says, I can't take this! - Hello, Mr. Lawyer? You listen to me son of a bitch! If anything happens to her I'll kill you. You hear me! Yes, I have all your fucking money... He has Rosario, they're coming here... - Shit! ... - Ok, ok, yes, first floor. I'll go down to meet them. - Be careful. - Sure. - Ok! Calm down, please! This isn't necessary! Ok? - Stop, stop, stop, stop! Over there, come on! Carlos will be here any minute! You arrived before him, he has no you even exist. - I don't give a shit about Carlos, I'm in a hurry. Carlos isn't what interests me, I want the money and all of the videotapes you have. - But... I don't have the videos, you've got them haven't you? - Who is Carlos? - Shut up, bitch! Wait, wait, wait a second! "Somebody's sending those videotapes; I really thought it was you... " Ernesto, look, let's finish this right now, give me my documents, and I'll give you your money. That's it, ok? I really like your speech Mr. Lawyer but, I don't think you understand... give me my money, then I give you your documents and your "wife" comes with me, as a "plus", then I disappear. - She wasn't part of our deal, man! - We have a "new deal" now! Come on, stand up, stand up you bitch! The money, give me the money! Ok, ok, ok, sure... here it is... all the money, please let her go Ernesto, please, listen to me, let her go! Please! - I'll take your girl, boy! Maybe she'll learn a few things with me! - Let me go! - Hey! - Ok, ok, you calm down, calm down... it's all over... - We're really fucked now. - What did you want me to do? - Are you crazy? He wasn't going to shoot me! And what about Rosario? Were you going to let him just take her? He was just a fucking pimp anyway - What are you doing here? - You read my note, didn't you? ... ...I sent the tapes to them, to show them what kind of person are you Roberto. - What will you do now? - What's on that tape? - That you also visited that apartment. Stop, I didn't kill anybody! ... I... I only wanted to confront her... face to face but... it was too late when I arrived. - But that's not all. - Give me the tape. It's over, this has already caused enough problems. - What are you doing, man? - Stop! Stop it! Give me that! You know? It wasn't a surprise to me, at all, I expected just about anything from him. You have no idea who he really isAndrés. - ¡Roberto, Roberto! Stop there, this is not a game! What are you gonna do now? . You wanna kill me or something? You wanna fuck your life up because of me? ... Ernesto is our scapegoat, or don't you remember? - No... You're going to have to explain a few things. - I don't think it's to your advantage. - Call the police. What about me? ...I sent that videotapes. Nothing will happen to you, I'm not going to denounce you? So, are you going to call or shall I? - Oh, please, don't kill meAndrés! Please... - I'm not like you. I won't shoot. Even though you don't know it you're right. Isn't that true Rosario sweetie? Tell your fiancé. Tell him how hard we fucked. - Roberto, stop - What are you talking about you son of a bitch? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, my mother was not a bitch, but your bride certainly is! The bitches were the ones you fucked while you made me watch! ... You did the same with Carolina, didn't you? I can't take it any more. I knew Gloria. - What kind of shit is this Rosario? - A couple of times I invited your girlfriend. Over for a bit of fun, to try something new You know, only once or twice. Twice, it was all the time! The only way you could ever get turned on was with a whore! - It's true, I find "ladies" so boring! - Shut up! - I don't want to listen this shit anymore, understood? - That's what I love - passion, passion, come on! - Andrés, just leave it, he's sick! "That's not what she said the other day;" she just kept begging me to keep fucking he. R - Asshole! - Come on, man, kill me, kill me, come on, kill me! Ok, what do you wanna know? ...Of course I knew her, I've known her for ages, or do you think I'd send my best friend off with just anyone? The problem was that, when she came the office that day, she asked for you at first, then asked for me... she wanted money, a lot of money... - I thought we'd made a deal. Sure... but there's a problem... I don't want to stop seeing you... and you're still in love with me... - In love with you? ... I thought you understood you're nothing but a client Carlos. I was in love with you but you know, it was over when you started bringing other girls into it. It's ok, it's ok... I've got it... really got it... I couldn't let her to do what she wanted. ...don't you understandAndrés? ... I did all this for you, all of you... I didn't do this for me, You can see when this starts, but it has no end This is a whore we're talking about. I'm sure... when you calm down, and think about it you'll realize and then, you'll thank me. - You killed the doorman, too You son of a bitch. So what? A bitch, a pimp... and a doorman Let's go, honey, you know my parents don't like to eat late. Come on, kids! Who wants to visit Grandma and Grandpa, eh? Come on, hurry up! Please visit facebook: PHIM MA KINH DI GHE RON (vietsub) Next stop, Twilight Cemetery... Twilight Headstones lnc., where headstones are made with a smile. Stop for Twilight Headstones lnc. All those for Twilight Cemetery this is your stop. Would you like to hear a scary tale? Would you like to hear a scary tale? No... Would you like to hear a scary tale? It starts on a dark, lonely night, just like tonight... A solitary bus on a mountain road, without a soul on board... In the middle of the night... the bus travels on its route a girl is waiting... at the bus stop. The bus driver stops, but no one gets on. He closes the door, perplexed, and continues down the lonely road. Suddenly... a small high-pitched voice cries out, "Let me off"! He looks in the rear view mirror, and there behind him... a doll, like this, is sitting there. "Let me off"! How about you? Would you like to hear a scary tale? (Japan Horror TV) (Japan Horror TV) (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) Have you heard of the turbo-hag? Turbo-hag? Not me. I have... Drivers see her in the dead of night. You see an old lady hobbling down the road... And if you pass her by... She comes after you? Yeah! At lightening speed! Is she on skates? No, turbo jets! She comes right up... to your window, And if you look at her, you die... Yeah! That's like the man-dog. And the headless rider. The man-dog is scarier. You're a wimp. Hey... what's that? The turbo-hag? No way! We ARE driving in the dead of night. Oh my God, what is that? ! It's coming after us! Hurry! Get out of here! (The Spiderwoman) So that's the turbo-hag? I don't no. Maybe it was the man-dog. But it had 8 legs, right? So it can't be a dog. But its face is human. That's so creepy! When did this happen? I don't no. It was this year, right? Yeah this year. Maybe last month? So the driver smashed into... the guard rail, and they all died. So who did you hear this from? What's this? The report on that beast... that crawls on the road I know, but what's this ending? Like most urban legends, there is no hard evidence... But you know there are no eye-witnesses. Yeah, I know But we're not a science journal, see? Just say the Spiderwoman exists, OK? If you say so. And this title's too long... The Four Legged Creature Can't you make it shorter? Like Man-Dog, or Turbo-Hag? (I saw her too! ) (The Spiderwoman strikes again) (Eye-witnesses all over Japan! ) I had to work late that night, so I went home at midnight. and I was walking alone... in a quiet alley. I distinctly felt I was being followed. I fainted on the spot... and awoke the next morning. Was it the Spiderwoman? Who knows... Look at this response! Sales are up 20%. Here... more mail. Let's run 8 pages this week. Get to it! What if she really exists... I'd totally freak out... Sure she exists... These are all eye-witnesses. I really don't like this... Just read them! From what I hear, a long time ago... there was a woman who hated spiders. Spiders are actually useful creatures... that eat other insects for us. Then one night... the curse of all the spiders she killed turned her into a Spiderwoman. The Spiderwoman is normal by day. But at sundown... She always runs off on all fours without paying. The Spiderwoman wraps her victims in her sticky web Her victims become spiders... like her, or are wrapped up... and killed. I heard she prefers... people with big eyes. Your eyes are REALLY big! Cut it out... I'm really freaking out. Relax, You can protect yourself from the Spiderwoman. To protect yourself from the Spiderwoman, you say Spider wasp, Spider wasp... The Spider wasp is a natural enemy, that preys and feeds upon spiders. Spider wasp We can make use of this. Hey, why is this pile so big? Easier to sort this way? I'm sorting by address. They're all from this one area. You're right. This one too. Don't you get it? That's where the Spiderwoman must be. You're right! That's freaky! What if it's true? Go check it out tomorrow. No, please... I really don't like this. The Spiderwoman often appears in Kamiya City around the bypass at the Shimoota Tunnel. My friend was attacked there too. (Following the tracks of the Spiderwoman) (Our reporter goes directly to the source! ) What's with the blanks? Hasegawa's gone to cover the story but we can't reach him. the number you dialed cannot be reached now... What's he doing? What are you doing? Go find him. If you get back by tonight, we can still meet the deadline! Right. We just told that guy yesterday. Yeah, his name was Hasegawa. So how often does this Spiderwoman show up? I've only seen her once. What's she like? Her clothes are outdated... her shoes are worn... Her stockings are all torn... She reads racing forms. She eats and runs, right? On all fours? I think so... You mean you haven't seen her? She came in after our shift... Who saw her then? Someone on the late shift? Or a customer, maybe? That's what I thought. She always orders mushroom pasta. And brings her own hot sauce. Hot sauce? She really pours it on too. She dumps half of it in. even in her soup. The soup turns totally red. She always sits right there... Oh, my God. Is that her? I need a receipt please. Just a minute, ma'am. See? She's paying... (Spiderwoman, please leave us alone.) Hi... Is she for real? Yes. Was someone attacked here? Yes. Really? Really. Have you seen her? No... not exactly... I thought so... But... my friend was really attacked. So YOU wrote that letter. The police didn't take us seriously. Anyone home? We can come back later. Akemi? It's OK. Come in. OK, then. Hi, Akemi. How are you feeling? Hi. Here. I brought you notes from this semester. This is English, and this is Math. Don't worry, Akemi. He's all right. She's mad because no one believes her. Akemi, He's a reporter. He'll listen to you. So tell him... what happened. Thanks. I was coming home late... from school, I usually don't take that road, But I was in a rush that day so I rode my bike and... I heard some strange footsteps. So I looked behind me and... There was this woman but she was still far away so I didn't think anything... But still, I sensed something strange. Wait! Can you slow down? Because she keeps a distance with me, I felt even stranger... Relax, Akemi... Slower. OK, so... You were coming home late, right? And then? A woman was walking way behind me and I didn't think anything of it. But she never got any closer, I felt strange and then... she got down on all fours and... approached really quickly. She opened her mouth real wide... she had 8 eyes and 8 legs and... She wrapped me up in her web and I couldn't move a muscle I was so scared so I wanted to scream but my mouth was full of thread... I couldn't even move, so I fainted... when I woke up, I was covered and was wrapped up like a mummy and I was hanging from the ceiling I was upside down and couldn't move so... I struggled and struggled but... I couldn't open my mouth because I was covered in this thread and... I was totally freaked out... The area was deserted, really frightened... What are you doing? Oh. We were just visiting. Who are you? My name is Yamazaki... from Mademoiselle magazine. It's about your daughter. What about her? Was it last month? About her accident last month. What do you want to know? I just came to give Akemi her notes. Thank you. Bye then. She's still in a state of shock. The doctor says she shouldn't be around strangers. Oh, sorry. Please don't mind me, I'm leaving soon. I have to go. Thank you, but I really have to go. No slippers! How rude of me. Dont bother... Here. Thanks. I see you buy our magazine... So... what do you think of Akemi's story? About... The Spiderwoman? Yes. This story here. This attacked her? Yes. I don't believe it. Me neither... She's really a problem... I'm hardly ever home so, I think she's quite lonely. Her father? He died... before she was born. Sorry... Did you draw this picture? No, we have illustrators... I really can't draw. Sorry, I'm so ignor ant. I've never even left this town... No, it's fine. I can't draw... to save my life. Spiders are cruel... Do you know their mating habits? No... The female spider is much larger than the male. After they mate, she eats him. Isn't that awful? Isn't that the praying mantis? I said spiders. I'm talking about spiders. Oh, sorry... Praying mantises may also do that, but some types of spiders do too. Yeah... The Spiderwoman is normal by day. But at sundown... I'll be going now... I'm freaking out... I don't like this... Please stop... I'm freaking out... Hasegawa... I'm freaking out... I don't like this. Please stop... I'm freaking out... I don't like this. Please stop... I'm freaking out... I don't like this. Please stop... The female spider is much larger than the male. After they mate, she eats him... Isn't that awful? Spider wasp! Spider wasp... I told you the Spiderwoman was real... Have you heard of the turbo-hag? Turbo-hag? Not me. I have... Drivers see her in the dead of night. Is she on skates? No, turbo jets! She comes right up... to your window. And if you look at her, you die... Yeah! Hey... what's that! The turbo-hag? No way! We ARE driving in the dead of night... Oh, my God, what is that? ! Hurry! Get out of here! (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) At first, I thought... Mr. Shimizu was just on the road again, but he was late on his rent. He's never been late on his rent. It's been 3 months now, so I knew something was wrong. So you called me? He had you down... as his guarantor. Mr. Kodera... Are you a writer too? No, just friends from high school. I haven't touched a thing. I left it just as it was. Don't be shocked. Shocked? You'll see... What the... I told you so. What possesses someone to do this? Black magic or something? (Crevices) Is it OK if I look around? Go ahead. I'll be watching TV. I'm being watched... I'm being watched... I'm being watched... I'm being watched... What the heck? I guess he's not just on the road. Is it so? I just helped myself. I'm parched. You want one? No... Manager. Did Shimizu say anything? Like he was going somewhere? Not that I recall. He usually... lets me know but... Did he say he was... expecting someone? Manager? Manager? It can't be... Where? Where are you? You won't defeat me! Come out so I can film you, Where are you? This is my house... Show yourself! Damn it! This should do it. Go... away! Stop! Noooooo! What was that? What? ! Crevices... Where is it? I've taped you all up... Crevices... crevices... crevices... Nooooooo! (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) One humid night, When I was young, I saw the strangest thing... I only truly understood it when I got older, and had that terrible experience. Grandma? (The Sacrifice) I grew up and left home to live and work in Tokyo. Morning, Mayu. Hi, Reiko. You're early as usual. That was there since this morning. Present from a secret admirer? I doubt it. What is that? Mayu... I was wondering... what if... Did Fukuda ask you out? I knew it! What happened? He called me over after work, and asked if I'd go out with him. I knew it! But I said sorry... and he just left. Fukuda was turned down by another girl in Accounting too. Really? You mean Yamamoto? But she... Yeah, she quit. You know what Fukuda said when she turned him down? What? I'll put a curse on you! It's just a rumor... but it was right after that she stopped showing up for work. So what if that gift this morning... Reiko, there he is! It's Fukuda! Oh no... Hello? Miss Ooki. Good morning. I found a mistake. Please correct it. My mother suddenly fell ill, so I returned home. I'm home! Welcome home! How's mom? I'm home. Mayu, it's you. Hey, don't get up... I'm fine, I'm sorry. I got so busy with work, I'm just tired. That's OK. I needed a break. Right. I needed a break too. Did you go pray to the ancestors? Dad? Did you know when I was little, this room gave me the creeps? Did it really? I saw a big... monstrous head in here. Just a head? I saw it the night... before grandma died. That's why this room always scared me. I remember... That was a terrible night. Mom was in the hospital. She was? Yeah, it was that night, when her condition suddenly turned for the worse I was worried sick, but she pulled through. I didn't even know. The next morning, we found grandma dead in her bed. I was shocked. There was a bond between them... As if grandma died in mom's place. You again? You take care of your mom, before it's too late. You'd better go home. She's going to die for you! Don't talk like that! Grandma! It's coming... real soon! Grandma, be quiet! Grandma! Sorry. She snuck out again. She's getting senile. Let's go home! Look! There it is! (Chanting) Dad? How long has she been chanting? She needs to rest. I know, but she won't listen to me. Mom, you need to rest. I'm fine. Mom, you'll get sick! I'm fine. (Chanting) Mom, Mayu's going back to Tokyo. So soon? I have to take care of something, but I'll be back tonight. All right. (Chanting) (#105 Fukuda) Fukuda was turned down by another girl in Accounting... (General Affairs - Mayu Ooki) She was chanting again. Then she felt sick, and went to bed. The local doctor came, but he just said... she needed to rest. Let's take her to a proper hospital tomorrow. You're right. That night was a humid night, like the one in my childhood. (Chanting) It's coming soon! It's coming! (Chanting) Mom... I woke up in my own bed the following morning. My arm had healed... The stain on the ceiling was gone. And then... Mom. Mom. Mom! Wake up! How come... Mom! Get up, mom! At about the same time my mom passed away, Fukuda took his last breath in Tokyo. I quit my job and returned home. Grandma died in place of my mom, and mom saved me from Fukuda's curse. At least that's what I believe... (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) Who is that woman looking at you... from the last row? I'd say she's 27 or 28 years old... wearing a red suit... She's pale and thin. Quite pretty. Is she there again? Who is she to you? She's been stalking me for years. Since the first time I saw her, she's been sitting in the last row. She's pretty and with that red suit... I was interested at first... But she started shaking... the seat in front of her. I thought she was drunk, so I went over and said, Are you OK? Fool! Yes, I know. As soon as I spoke, she said Damn! and disappeared. At this rate, she'll end up killing you. What? Don't worry, I'll go talk to her. She understood. You won't see her again. Yes! The Land of the Free! Hey, driver. Hollywood! This is Hollywood, right? But it's sure going downhill, huh? It's all reruns lately, right? All reruns and... Japanese horror flicks. What do you call those again? Remakes. Remake... the Movie, right? What about that, huh? What do you make of that? Oh, no! Is she free too? L.A. - where the blondes... are the real thing! Not like in Tokyo with the Blondie-wanna-be's This is the real deal! This is the real deal! Yes, native, native. Man, I'm getting excited! Yes, this is Ishiguro. I just arrived. Yes, I meant good morning. Nope, no problems. Everything's great. Yes, sir. Excuse me. I'll go see the clients tomorrow, at 9 sharp. Yes, yes sir. Got it. No, just a bit of jet lag. Whose house is this again? Executive Director Hirata? And his girlfriend? They're on a vacation together? Wow, what a life... I wish I were a Executive Director. No, nothing, sir. Got it. Bye. I got it. Had to be a blonde. I knew it! Damn! Stop... I said cut it out... Stop it... Boss? No, nothing, sir. The Executive Director killed himself? ! Why? Wasn't he on vacation with the blonde? Yes, right away, sir. I'll move to a hotel right now. No... don't tell me... No jokes, OK? Blondie! (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) You're working late, Fukawa. You don't look so good. No, I'm fine. I'm off from tomorrow so... I'm making a list of the delinquencies. You're going to make calls while you're on your vacation? (Presentiment) This is Fukawa. I can't answer the phone. Please leave a message. Hello? We just arrived at the hotel. You'll be here by tomorrow morning? Mitsuko is waiting for you, so hurry up. Daddy! I can see the ocean from our room! I can't wait to see you. (Accessing database) This is Fukawa. I can't answer the phone. Please leave a m essage. Hi, it's me. Are you really coming? I'll wait for you. I trust you. I'll be waiting for you on Platform 9. 7:49 is the last train. If you don't come by then, I'll kill myself. I'll throw myself... on the tracks. What is this? Our client files... have been copied. Really? The last user of the file... swears he didn't copy it. There's no one... on security film either. Our firm is based on confidentiality. If our client data is stolen, we're finished! Who did this? We think... Fukawa was the only one... in the office at the time. Call Fukawa, now! But he's on vacation... Vacation? ! He's not at home? Where's his family? This is his wife. He was supposed to... meet us yesterday, but he never showed up. Where could he be? Daddy! Where are you? ! Daddy! Fukawa stole a list of information on loan outstandings of 300,000 clients. If it falls into... the wrong hands, that list could be worth anywhere from 5 to 10 million yen. Fukawa stole it. This is a criminal offense. Call the police. We have to find him! Damn! You wanted to go down? What? You were going down? Yes. I always do that. I go up instead of down... Then go down instead of up... (Harumi) I'm almost there. Really? Where are you? Still at work. Liar! You aren't coming. I swear, I'm leaving now. Are you ashamed? Are you ashamed of me? Don't whisper! I'm not! Yes you are... If I were your wife or daughter, you wouldn't be whispering. No, I'm in an elevator. (Out of range) Great. The power's out. Just great, huh? You're going on a trip? Yes... We're on a trip too. That's nice. (Out of range) How cute! Your daughter? Yes... How old? Five. Is your daughter going with you? Yeah. That's too bad. Huh? You must adore her, your daughter. Yes, I do... Loving someone... is one of life's greatest joys, but it can also cause much pain. Because you... have to part some time... Must you talk about that now? At this time? What meaning would it have to him now? I'm sorry. We lost our second child when she was quite young and... I'm sorry... But we're together now. What? Together in spirit, she means... (Harumi) Where are you now? Still at work... I knew it! You'll never leave your family! No! I'm stuck in an elevator! I'm killing myself! Don't forget. The last train is at 7:49. That's it. I'll never make it. Not the 7:49. I'll curse you... if you don't come. I'll curse you and your whole family! Stop talking about curses already! Listen to me... Hello? Crap! No power... Who's going to curse you? Nothing. That's not something you should say... Dead or alive... Does anyone have a cell phone? Please, someone must have one. Don't you? Have a cell phone? No. You're kidding. In this day and age? You must be joking. Please lend it to me. I really don't have one. I have no use for a cell phone. Just wait. There's plenty of time. Don't panic. For you, maybe, but not for me. What's the rush? Rush? You like being trapped in here? Whoever trapped in the lift... should panic! The 7:49 train? I don't care! Just give me a phone! You'll never make the 7:49. You look like you care... like you're going somewhere... Let's get out of here. Yes, I do have plans but... I don't need to go anywhere. Anyone there? Please respond! Yes! We're trapped in here! We've been stuck here for an hour! I can't hear you well. 2 men and 2 women. 4 of us are stuck in here! Please pick up the receiver. The receiver? What the... I can hear you clearly now. What's going on? What do you mean? It's hot in here! We're dehydrated and exhausted. We'll be there shortly. In about 30 minutes. 30 minutes? You mean you're not in the building? We are a maintenance company. We're being dispatched... by the building and... Fine, fine. Just get us out of here. I can't waste any more time in here. Excuse me, but... What is it? Did you say... there were 2 men and 2 women? Yes, 2 men and 2 women. In another elevator? No, in this box here! There are 4 of us. I'm the only one talking but there are 3 others... You're the only one in there. We only see you. What are you talking about? Please calm down. We can see... with our security cameras. And the only person we see... is you. There is no one else. Please calm down. We're almost there. You'll be out soon. Just close your eyes and relax. Let's just wait. Something in life... You can't fight it. You just have to accept it. Stop it... You'll see your daughter again. Yes, one day... you'll see her. What are you talking about? Don't worry. It's one long journey. It may end here, but it starts anew. Stop it! Please stop this. Help me. I'm sorry! I won't do it again, I'll never steal again. Please don't! I don't want to see this. I won't do it again, I promise. I won't ever steal again. It's not because of what you've done. Mr. Fukawa! Mr. Fukawa! Yes! It's me! Is it you? Mr. Shigenori Fukawa? You're the only one still in the building. Yes, that's right. I'm Shigenori Fukawa. We're right here. Please calm down. OK, just help me, quick! Calm down! We're pulling up the cable manually. When it reaches the 17th floor, we'll get you out. Stop! Stop it! Stop looking at me! Stop it! Don't look at me! Hurry! Hurry! Hold on! We're here! You made it, Mr. Fukawa. Are you OK? Are you all right? I'm saved. Can't you see them? See what? There, in the elevator. 3 of them... Of course... there's no one there. Are you claustrophobic? No. Some people hallucinate when they panic. Hallucinate? Mr. Fukawa, let's get you to a hospital for some tests. Are you kidding? I'm perfectly sane. I'm not hallucinating... Please listen to us, Mr. Fukawa. Let's go. Shut up! You trapped me in there! Hallucinations? Could it be? I should never... have done this. I'll kill myself, if you don't come. 7:49 is the last train. My life is over... What would you like to order? Can you see them? Who? An old couple and... a young woman. See? Across the street? No! Right there! Please excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. The timing on death is sometimes a bit off, there's a lag effect. But his death by a broken cable... is right on schedule... Just about now... But through death, we experience life. I'll take you to our next death now. Will it be the girl who kills herself at 7:49? No, she dies... some 49 years later, with 3 children and... 7 grandchildren at her side. Next we will see a viral epidemic. Many doctors and nurses... will be tragically killed... over night by an unknown virus. Shall we? Believe me, not all women make empty threats. Some women do go through with it. See? I died... waiting for a man who never came. I shot myself in the head, because I loved him. (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) Would you like to hear a scary tale? What? Would you like to hear a scary tale? Sure, go ahead. Are you SURE you want to hear one? Yeah... I think so. This one starts in the week of the equinox. A young girl and her family... go to visit the family grave. Each year, they go and... wash the headstone, pay their respects and leave flowers and incense. That night, after the girl goes to bed she is roused from her sleep by a presence in the room. She peers into the darkness... and sees the faint outline... of a figure standing in the corner. The figure is vaguely familiar to her. It is someone who loved her dearly... Her grandmother who died when she was still very little. The one whose graveyard they visited just yesterday. But lately, the girl had forgotten all about her grandmother. Memory blurs. Even at the grave, she hardly gave her a second thought. The next night, the figure had moved just a little bit closer. Day by day... closer and closer... closer and closer... Twilight Headstones lnc., where headstones are made with a smile. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That's all the scary tales for tonight. Sweet dreams. (DARK TALES OF JAPAN) At the outbreak of World War II Germany increased its U-boat production by 1000%. Mass producing 17 new U-boats a month. Hitler knew the key to winning the war in Europe... was to control the Atlantic. And control it, they would. By the end of 1942, German U-boats working in groups... known as "wolfpacks", sunk over 1,000 allied ships. This success gave Germany a decisive advantage. They were winning the war, and if this trend continued... all of Europe would fall. IN ENEMY HANDS In January 1943, President Roosevelt, and Prime Minister Churchill... declared that stopping the U-boats would be their top priority. With the US fully committed to the war, and new advances in technology... the allies strike back. After losing an average of only five U-Boats a month... Germany suffers its greatest losses in what would be known as Black May. That month, allies sink and destroy 41 U-Boats. 8 out of every 10 U-boat sailors died. The rain of the wolfpack was rapidly drawing to a close. Dept. of the Navy June 3, 1943 I've known you your whole life. I'm not going to embarrass you with the details. Your father was a good man. A great soldier. Thank you, Sir. It's out of respect for him that I just assume you didn't do this. We're not here to chase ghosts. Our job is to pursue an enemy... and defeat it. You certain that's what you wanna do? Absolutely. When do you ship out? In two weeks. Monday after next... we'll be ready. Have you met your C.O.B. yet? No Sir, Nate Travers, not yet. Nathan Travers, a good man. You might actually learn something from him if you're interested in that sort of thing. - Give 'em hell, Commander. - Oh, I plan to, Sir. - That's an order. - Yes, Sir. I'm just waiting for some things hanging on the line to dry. And your mom wants you to call her before you go. Don't go without calling her because I'm the one who's gonna have to deal with it... everyday until you get back. I love her, but she's your mother. You deal with her. I'm gonna take this. I'm taking this with me. I'll stick it right above my bunk. It'll be the last thing I see when I go to bed... and the first thing I see when I wake. Oh, dammit. Why do you go and do that? - What? - You know what. Now you got me started, and I can't stop once I get started. Sorry. You're not sorry. I love you. - Promiss me something Nate Travers. - Anything. Promiss me you won't get yourself killed trying to be a hero. You think you can get rid of me that easily? No, I'm serious. Honey, don't start that. Promiss me you'll come home. I promiss. Swear it. I swear... I'll come home to you. Okay. Two Months later August 2nd 1943 Mid-Atlantic Convoy Route 600 miles off the U.S. Coast - Heinrich! - Turn off the air-intake! - Stubborn bastards, those Americans. - All ahead, 15 degrees starboard. - They're leaving. - They're leaving. Periscope depth. We'll teach them who the stubborn ones are. - 286 degrees, 15 knots. - Distance: 2,700 meters. Ready tubes 3 and 4. Ready. - 112 degrees. - Torpedo ready? 3 and 4 ready. Ready. Fire. Yes! We got her! We got her! - A good yankee is a dead yankee. - We dive. U.S.S. Swordfish Balao-Class Attack Submarine - All ahead two thirds. - All ahead two thirds. Make ready to dive. Make ready to dive. Shut 'em down, we're switching to battery power! Come on! Move it! Let's go! Knock it off, come on! And get your hands off your pecker! - Giddy up! - Yeah, yeah! - Green board, pressure in the boat. - Take her to 60. Take her to 60, five degree down-angle. 60 feet, five degree down-angle, aye. Fuck! 60 feet, Sir. - Zero bubble? - Zero bubble, Sir. Zero bubble at 60, Sir. Scope up. Scope up! Time? 64 seconds. 64 seconds. 64 seconds. Prepare to surface, exercise complete. Prepare to surface, exercise complete. Chief, in my quarters. Periscope going down! Not again! Maybe I should just go for a swim. Can I join you? - Now, Chief. - Be right there, Sir. You look like crap, you should see the medic. There's a lot of things I should do. Three months. Three months in the water and the men become compleasant and sloppy. If you were in my shoes, would that trouble you? Yes, Sir. Today's dive time was 64 seconds. 3 days ago it was 58 seconds. 6 seconds, Chief. We're in the Atlantic now... we can't afford to give the Germans a six second advantage. I'll speak to the men. See that you do. Chief. You may have more experience... but I've been preparing for this for a long time and I do know what I'm doing. I don't doubt that, Sir. So, what's on your mind, Chief? Let's have it. I was thinking about the men's morale. They're frustrated by these constant exercises... and it's clearly not helping their performance. What is it? You and the men are disappointed we haven't seen any action? No, it's not that. Then what is it, Chief? What is it? I was thinking... to keep spirits up, maybe we could... give 'em a little more latitude... little less exercise. That's not your decision. And I've made mine. The crew's performance is not what it needs to be. And the drills will continue per my orders. Understood? Aye, Sir. Is that all? Yeah, that's all. You're dismissed. - How is Heinrich? - Concussion. He'll be okay. Good, I'll check in on him later. - Good move. - You always win anyway. - Do you know what your problem is? - My queen is in a bad position. You always underestimate yourself. You should have been a commander yourself, instead of hanging around with me. I thought that you would be more cheerful, after we sunk that cruiser. We sink one, they sink 30. We're lucky that the torpedo exploded. - The Americans joined the war. - It didn't go so well last night. It'll all be better soon. With a little luck... With a little luck, we'll make it home in one piece. - What is it, Bauer? - Look at this. Always when you least expect it. - How many moves do I have left? - Two. Check mate. Good, I hate chess. I get worse in every new move. - Sorry to disturb you, Captain. Mr. Cremer. - We're finished. We got a message... from home. Give it to me. Jonas... what does it say? I need a moment alone. They bombed Hamburg. The school his daughters attend is completely destroyed. No survivors. All right, don't be stingy. Thanks. How many dress rehearsals is that? Twenty seven, twenty eight maybe? I don't know... I don't care. I figured as much from you. I mean... It's not like we've never done it before? I just don't get why he doesn't find some krautsto pester... instead of jerking our chains and fuckin' us. Yeah, I mean, what's he trying to prove? The least he could do is, whenever it's not real, he could tell us. So we don't shit our pants everytime. That would explain the complaints I've been getting from laundry services. Chief. The reason we've conducted twenty seven exercises Mr. Miller... is for you to become so accustomed to your task, so masterful in your skills... that you do not shit yourself when this boat comes under attack. I understand, Chief. Wanna talk some trash? Save it for those nazi sons of bitches... crawling up and down our East Coast looking to blow us out of the water. Anyone seen the XO? Oh, yeah. I think I saw him go into the head, Chief. You're all right in there, Sir? Fine, Chief. I'll be out in a minute. U 281 Two days later 290 miles northeast of Bermuda British Merchant Vessel Achilles Torpedoes... Fire. How do you lose an entire convoy? Increase speed to 18 knots. The Achille's last radio contact, here. That's where the closest allied vessel had been ordered to take a look. There's been no report of U-Boat activity in that area for several weeks. That does not mean they're not there. Chief... no drill this time. I'll inform the men. Confirm coordinates, let CINCLANT know that we're on our way. Aye, Captain. We have to surface. Jonas, it's night. We have to surface. - Yes, prepare for surfacing. - Ready for surfacing. Who's in there? I've been waiting for too long. Hey, open up. - Oh, shit! - Who is it? The XO, let's get him to the medic. Come on. Flu? Not sure. Could be a reaction to something he ate. How long have you been feeling like this? A week maybe, since Panama. Hey, Chief. The Captain needs you. I think it's important. I need to come too. - You're not going anywhere. - You wish you could order me around. I can. Keep the liquids coming, and let me know of any changes. Yes, Sir. There's Cooper at your service. We need to keep him here, away from the rest of the crew. Until I have a chance to check on the others to see if they have any of the same symptoms. Is that serious? It could be meningococcus. English? It's a form of meningitis, it's highly contagious... and in some cases it can be fatal. We couldn't stop the bleeding in the brain. How old was he? 18? Heinrich wanted to show what he could do. From the first day. You couldn't do anything. You couldn't stop it. No... That's the problem. Anything? No, Sir. Chief, glad you could join us. Put the men on full alert. Yes, Sir. Where's the XO? In a sick room, Sir, he's taken ill. Have Mr. Goodman standing by. Sir, the XO can barely stand. He's got a rash, and the med-- Chief, we're in hostile waters, the XO is breathing, I want him at his post. Aye, Sir. U 821 Two days later Captain... Glenn Miller? Good. That's music by Glenn Miller, from the spacious Café Rouge... of the Hotel Pennsylvania in New York City. Where the young at heart come from far and near to watch and hear... the orchestra that has given America some of the most beautiful sounds ever. Captain! Captain! I've got something at 3-4-0, 4,000 feet. Sounds... sounds like music. You dirty dog! Mr. Goodman, set torpedo depth at 10 feet. Set torpedo depth 10 feet. - Depth set! - Depth is set! Ready tubes one and two. Ready bow tubes one and two. Come on. - Gyro angle? - 349. Gyro angle 349. - Set? - Set. Fire one. Fire one. Fire one! Fire two. Fire two. Fire two! - Torpedoes! - Damn! All ahead full. Dive! They were hit, Sir, but are still up. Goddamn it! Prepare to attack again. Prepare to attack again! Set torpedo depth to 12 feet. Set torpedo depth to 12 feet. - Depth is set! - Depth is set! Ready bow tubes three and four. Ready bow tubes three and four. Where the hell is he? Two subs. One of ours, the other is American. - Distance? - 4,000 meters. Angle? Angle? 351. 351, are we set? Mr. Goodman, set? Gyro angle 351. Tube three ready. Tube three ready! Set! Fire three! Fire three! - She's right in front of us. - Distance 400 meters. Fire! Captain! - She's cooked alright! Well done! - Yeah! Good work, boys! Good work! We got 'em! How does it feel to have your cherry popped? - Oh, God! Even better than the first time. - First time? That's what it's all about, all right? He's dead. Screw in the water! Right full rudder all ahead flank, now! Move! Right full rudder all ahead flank. I need damage reports, Chief! Damage reports! Mr. Right, I need damage reports! It's no use, he's gone. - Miller! - Yes, Sir! Blow bow bouyancy. Surface! Surface! Surface! Help me! - Who's in there? - Nobody! They're all dead in there, Chief. Come on! Listing 10 degrees port, sir. Forward torpedo and forward barrack taking on water, Sir! We've lost the engines, Captain! We're not gonna make it, Captain. She's going down. - Captain, you gotta-- - Don't tell me what I have to do, Chief. I know what I have to do. This is your captain speaking... Abandon ship. I repeat, abandon ship. Abandon ship. Captain! There's nothing more you can do! She's going down, come on! Tend to the others, Chief. That's an order. Come on, Chief! We gotta hurry! Come on. Captain, we gotta get out of here! - Not till the crew's out. - No. Listen to me. They're all dead. This is a casket. We gotta get out of here. You made me love you... I didn't wanna do it... I didn't wanna do it... You made me love you... And all the time you knew it... I guess you always knew it... You made me happy... This has been the best thanksgiving ever. I do get holidays. You just wait till Christmas. Kiss me. Follow me. Now! Come. Move! Come on. Let's go. Let's go. It's okay, Captain. You got it. You got it. Move it! You're not scared of a few Americans? I'm worried about supplies. We'll be at the supply vessel in a week. We have enough supplies. There's nothing to worry about. When we get there, we'll turn over the Americans for interrogation. Klaus, could you give us a moment? As you wish. What is it? You said it yourself - the war is ending. Why risk everything now? Make sure my orders are followed, Ludwig. Yes, Captain. - Everybody all right? - Yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I don't wanna go to Germany. You know what they do to prisoners in Germany? They torture them, and then they gas them or they burn them alive! Shut up! Shut up. That's what those officers in Panama said they did... to all those jews! They just cooked them! - They cooked them like meat. - Calm down, Miller. That's an order, sailor. We gotta hold it together. We panic now, we're as good as dead. They were supposed to just let us drown, Captain. Why didn't they just let us fucking drown? Chief... We're going to break up into three groups. I'll head up a team to search for food and supplies. I want you to radio CINCLANT our position. Find out what our orders are. Tell them we contacted the enemy. Understand? Understand? But, Captain... Take it easy... easy. Come here! Come on. I got it. You should have let me die on my boat, Chief. You should have let me die on my boat. Is he dead? What are we gonna do Chief? What are you looking at me for? The captain-- The Captain ain't the Captain no more. He's gone off his mind, Chief. He ain't gonna be able to help us now. - Why the hell did he bring them onboard? - There are rules in war. Not when they just sunk one of ours. The entire crew was killed. - Our Comrades! - Are you questioning him? I don't doubt the Captain's orders. Neither should you. Mr. Cremer, he puts us in danger. That's what war is about. I counted at least 20 of them pricks. There's probably twice that many. Yeah, and they got guns too. Eat. They don't understand a word. Here you go. I hope you like it. Piss off, you damn kraut! Hey, come on. Leave it. What the hell is this? My guess is... pig balls and chicken guts if we're lucky. Give me one for the Captain. How do we know they didn't poison it, Chief? How do we know they didn't do that? Cause if they wanted us dead, they would have let us drown. Besides, we're gonna need all the strenght we can get, so... Eat up. You should try to eat something. You said that Goodman had a rash. What did the medic think it was? Meningitis. What did it look like? I want you to keep this between us, Chief. I don't wanna startle the men, understand? Hey! Hey, someone's coming! Who is of highest rank? - It's alright. - It's okay, okay, okay! What's your position? Chief of Boat. What happened to your Captain, Chief of Boat? He didn't make it. He went down with the ship? Yeah, he did. These are your men. They do as you tell them, and we do not have a problem. What's the matter with him? He was injured, trying to get out. He'll be needing medical assistance. You'll split in half. Smaller groups, more comfortable... for all of us. Chain them, and give him medicine. - Let him die. - Do as I say! Take his handcuffs off. Mind your fucking head. For him. How can anybody sleep like that? Got clobbered in the head, probably has a concussion. Well, should we wake him first? Shit, I wouldn't. Oh, man. Look at that. Hey, Right, don't touch that. Right, don't fucking touch it! Why? Why not? Shit. Guys, that's not a wound, that's a rash. - What? - My sister got it when she was a kid. Meningitis I think, I don't know exacly. She got it from the water in our well. How long does it last? About a week. Okay, so how do you treat it? I got a bunch of stuff... You don't, Right. So, what, it just goes away? No. - You said it lasted a week. - Yeah, I said about a week. And then we buried her. Christ, Abers! Abers, is it contagious? Well, I didn't get it. But, yeah. Oh, great! Great! The krauts won't kill us, the Captain will. What are you looking at, rat? What are you doing? ! Not only are you eating our food, I also have to look at you. - What is he saying? - Oh, come on! What the hell are you doing? That's enough. Are you all right? Three days later August 10th 450 miles off the U.S. Coast I hurt everywhere, and it's difficult to breathe. I'll give you something for the pain. Get some rest. You'll be well soon. - How many? - Eight sick. Others have the symptoms. Captain, come here, please. We're almost there, but the supply vessel isn't here. - What do you mean? - They aren't answering our radio signals. - Are we in the right position? - Yes. Damn! Up periscope. An American destroyer. Damn! - Distance? - 2,500 meters. 2,500. Captain? What's your command? We must act. - How many torpedoes do we have? - Two front, one stern. Ready one and two. Set torpedo depth at 5 meters. Chief, they prepare to attack. We gotta do something. 1800 meters. Otto, come here. - Torpedoes ready. - Ready. Now! Captain, torpedoes ready. - The Americans escaped! - I told you it would happen! - Stop the launch! - I'm on it! We've got company! Ox, a little help! How are you gonna know which one is which? I was born to fire torpedoes, don't matter... if it's German, jap or portuguese for that matter. Do it fast! Got it! I got it! Cooper! No! Stop! Stop it right now! Don't shoot, don't shoot. Right, full rudder. Take evasive action. Get me a location on that thing. Dive! Depth: stern minus 20, bow minus 30. - Quick! - Everybody to the front! Hurry! Quick! What was that? 50 meters. Fool... You've killed us all. If you pull that trigger now, you might just pin a bull's eye on the side of this boat. Captain, is it over? It hasn't even started. Back! Don't shoot! Captain! Captain! Captain! Captain! Captain! Captain! Captain's dead. - We have to get rid of the Americans. - Here? A mass execution? I want to get rid of them as well. But we can't get rid of the bodies. I can live with the smell. - What is it, Bauer? - There's something you have to see. Wilhelm was the first to get the symptoms. Here. The Americans are like The Plague. And we have them here onboard. Look at him! - What is it? - I'm not sure. A medic thought it might be meningitis. Contagious? Very. Is there a cure? I'm not a doctor. - The crew must not know. - What? But the Americans... That is an order! And you will obey. Everybody must wear the breathing apparatus, until we can surface. - The Americans can't have any. - Everybody must wear the breathing apparatus. Yes, Captain. How long are we staying down here? As long as we can. Abers. - I'm here. - When you get out... don't you tell my mother that I died this way. Tell her that I went quick. No pain. No pain. August 13th 380 miles off the U.S. Coast Don't quit! Don't quit on me, Nate. Rachel. I've never seen you like this before. My men are dying. We're near the end. I can't accept that. I'm sorry. Never be sorry. What am I supposed to do, hun? You're supposed to come home to me. How? I don't have any fight left. I don't-- I'm not going to be one of those wives, Nate Travers. I'm not back there waiting for some telegram to tell me that my husband is dead. I won't let you do that to me. You made me a promiss. Oh, God, I miss you. Then come back to me. - Is she still there? - Perhaps. "Perhaps" is not good enough. - Ready to surface. - We'll be an easy target. What would you prefer? Dying here or up there? At least we have a chance up there. Surface. We're clear! Transmit emergency signal. It's fresh air. The hatch is open. It means we lost our navy. Family? Yeah. That's my family. That's Vivian, and... and Ol' Danny Jr. - Looks like me, huh? - Give it a rest, will ya? They don't care. They don't care about your family. Is this your son? Yes, my son. Peter... Jr. Never forget this is the enemy. Take care of your own men. Out. Eat! And? Every second is precious. We must do something about the Americans. Take off his handcuffs. That is all. Your men, they follow your orders, do they not? They do. Would they follow mine? I've lost two thirds of my men. Your navy is not far away... and our distress calls have failed, I've no option left. Between all of us we have just enough hands to make this boat operational. If you and your men join my men, we might have a chance. You want us to help you? I want you to help yourselves. And if we refuse? We all die. That he's speaking to them - that alone is treason. You've seen how he behaves. He's insane. This is insane. - What do we do? - I refuse to obey him. I hope that you will do the same. What exactly are you proposing? Our diesel is nearly exhausted and the fuel line has been damaged. But if we're efficient, we should be able to make 500... maybe 600 kilometers. You can't really expect my men to help you deliver them into custody. We travel submerged by day, making up time on top at night. If my calculations are correct... we should be able... to make landfall in three days. UNITED STATES Jonas! You're serious? Once we're close to shore we deploy the life-rafts... we evacuate the men and... we scuddle the boat. You understand I will not allow my boat to fall into your country's hands. In return for this, I surrender myself to you and ask for consideration for my men. - You can't just surrender. - It's my duty to save the men. Don't surrender us to them! - We can manage without them. - If only we could. Ludwig! I need your hand, Sir. I can't make any guarantees once you're in US custody. I understand. All I ask for is that you report to your superiors what I've done. So, when this war is over, they save my men like I saved yours. I'll need to speak to my men first. All of them. You've two minutes. You want us to team-up with the Jerries? I don't like it, Chief... no siree. I'm with them on this one. I don't trust these kraut bastards... as far as I could throw 'em. Why don't, why don't we just wait 'em up? They're dropping like flies... we wait until enough... of them are infected and then we take the boat. Why not? How long are you gonna wait? Romano's already dead. How long before you are infected? We don't have time. None of us are in the clear on this thing. Chief, we've been taught since day one to hate these guys... and now you want us to work with them? Shit! I don't like it either, but this is our best shot. I made a promiss to my wife. That I'd get home without getting myself killed. It's a promiss I wanna keep. It's time. Okay, listen up. - Miller. - Yeah. You stick with Officer Cremer. He'll help you to get a hand along things. - Okay, Chief. - And remember, we're metric now. Ox, I want you to... hmm. It's Hans, right? Your name is Hans? Good. I want you to follow Hans to the engine room. We'll run on one engine only, I wanna conserve as much diesel as we can. Go to hell. Make it happen. All right. What else? A planesman. Abers. Think you can fly this boat? Yeah... All right, Virgil... - Have we surrendered captain? - Shut up! This is my boat! I make the decisions. We won't make it home, not in this boat. If you want to die, we all die. But if you want to make it back home alive this is our only chance. Let's continue. Come on! Come on, Jerry! Let's get this over with! Cooper! Hang on, all right? Can't you see the man's praying? Coming up. Ahead, half speed. Ahead one half. Confirm course. 285. Bearing 285. Bearing 285. All ahead, full. All ahead full. Hey, come on. We must do something. Nah. Used to smoke... two packs a day. Down here... two packs need to last you two months. Nah, I... Okay. Your men, are good. You've trained them well. Oh, it wasn't just me, but thank you. Maybe this crazy plan can work. Maybe. Captain. Yes? Sun's coming up soon, I suggest we prepare to dive. Of course. I've lost them. Captain has lost the respect of his men. Well, they'll respect you later. When you save their lives. If the situation were reversed... Would you do the same? I'm not a Captain, I couldn't make that call. Just pretend. In the grand scheme of things, what's one boat? This war is gonna end. It doesn't mean we have to end with it. There's one thing we haven't discussed. What do we do if we come across a German boat? You mean, do I throw away our plan? You go back to being prisoners, maybe killed? And we go back to Germany? Crossed my mind. What if we come across an American warship? What stops you from having me and my men killed? These items belong to your men. Thank you. You're married? Yeah. To the only woman who would have me. You? Yes. Kids? Three. I have three girls. Well, even more reason to get through this thing alive. Do you know why I picked up you and your men? It's protocol for a sub commander after sinking an enemy vessel... to arrest only the Captain and Chief. Hitler himself made that a standing order. If that's the case, then... why the others? We hold positions of power, Mr. Travers. Men look to us for leadership. Saving you and your men... was the first time in all my years of service I actually felt powerful. To save a life instead of taking it away. That's power. I'm tired of this war. This can no longer be about sides. We are now on the same side. So... what happens if, and when... we come across an American or a German boat? We do what we have to, to make sure that our men come home alive. August 17th 78 miles from the U.S. Coast What's going on in here? Where's Hans? What is it with you guys? Lovers' spat? Help! What the hell are you doing? Got him? Stop at once! Since first met, never liked. You will get what you deserve! All of you! - What's happening? - We're being attacked. Hurry! What's going on, Chief? No, leave it. Put down the phone. - The torpedo will explode! Are you mad? - You can ask the captain about that. Go up there. Go! Put down the gun! Hands up! Traitor! I will not let you surrender the boat. - Are you going to kill us all? - I'd rather die with my honor intact! - No more talk now. The war is over. - Exactly. Go to...! Jonas! It's your boat now. Get the crew home. He sold us out, Chief. The bastard sold us out. We're so damn close, Chief. Do we know what was sent? At best, our position, at worse, our situation. Well, then... we don't have much time. All right. You're in charge. What do we do? Periscope depth. We're going up. Periscope depth. Let's take it up. Let's move guys. What's our depth? Straight and level at 12 meters. Periscope up. Periscope up! Hey, hey, I've got something. Bearing 1-8-0. 2,300 meters. Damn. Have a look. It's an American destroyer. 2,400 meters, Chief. She's moving away. Wherever she's going, she's in one hell of a hurry. - 2,600 meters. - Think she saw us? No, but... - What? - She may be the one. - The one what? - You think you can reach her? Yeah, if she's got her ears on, I can reach her, Chief. - What do you wanna do? - We show our hand. I don't understand "show our hand". We make radio contact. We surface. If we surface, they can attack. What's he saying? If we surface, they blow us out of the water. They can blow us out of the water anyway. It's an American boat. It's your call. Blow all ballast. Prepare to surface! Prepare to surface. Whoa! Chief, I think she's turning around. - Virgil? - I'm working on it, Chief! 2,400 meters, Chief. I got it! 2,300 meters. C.O.B., you're on! This is Chief of Boat, Nathan Travers, of the U.S.S. Swordfish. I repeat, this is Chief of Boat, Nathan Travers, of the U.S.S. Swordfish. I am onboard the U 429 with my surviving crew. We're in control of this boat. Sir. Sir, you should hear this. Hold all fire, we will surface in-- What's going on? What is that? We're being jammed. No, no. There's gotta be a mistake. No, Sir. He said his name was Chief of Boat, Nathan Travers. - We've got company. - Boat in the water, 800 meters and closing. - Whose is it? - I can't tell. It's a German boat. I fear he sent more than a simple distress signal. Ready one and two. Sink the traitor! - Another U-boat, Sir. - Shit! That's it! Give me CINCLANT, now! Yes, Sir. We should stay in the course. And head straight for the U-boat? Well, if we go that way, we run right into that destroyer. I'll take my chances with the sub. Why? 'Cause I got you. Fire! She's firing. On whom? Eel in the water! Turn to diesel, turn to battery, and dive! Battlestations! GENERAL ALARM - Depth! - Yeah! 50 meters! - Take her to 70. - No! That's exactly what he expects. Trust me, we've played this game many times. Take her up. You heard that, take her up. All ahead, full. 110 starboard.Torpedoes 3 and 4 reload. Ready one for fire. Chief, we can't take much more of this. We have to fight back. No! We can do this. We can do this! I need damage reports! Fire! - Incoming. - Incoming! - Shit! What? Right rudder! Goddamn, seems all hell's broken lose out there. I'd like to know what the hell is going on, is that too much to ask? Give it to me. No, there. Cease fire! Cease fire! There's Germans onboard and we're in control. - Cease fire! - Prepare for combat. - Next time we're dead. - It's our countrymen. They're going to kill us! I can't fire my own! They don't seem to have a problem firing on you. I can't make this decision. You have to. You're the Captain now. We've one shot to do this. How's that? We have only one torpedo left. Ready three and four. Chief, U-boat 220 meters. She's turning around. She's right in front of us. She's getting into firing position. Destroyer 1,800 meters. You let me worry about the destroyer, just stay on that sub! Our lone torpedo is in the stern... Ok, on my mark, all ahead, full. On my command, all ahead, full. Load rear torpedo tube, uh... - Six. - Six. Ready when you are, Chief. Ready? Hold on everybody. Now! Now! Dive! We're right on top of her. 35 meters. - We need more speed. - Come on, you piece of junk. 50 meters. 75 meters. Hold on, Coop. We only got one shot, let's make it a good one. I will not disappoint you. - 90 meters. - Wait. Hold on. - 120 meters! - Fire! Fire! It's a dud, Chief. Hit but didn't detonate. Fire! Fire! Incoming! Crash-dive! - You all right? - Yeah. I can't hear. Hey! Hey! Chief, we're open! We're open! Put him on the speaker. You're on. This is Chief of Boat, Nathan Travers, of the U.S.S. Swordfish. Hold your fire. I repeat, hold your goddamned fire. Chief Travers, this is the U.S.S. Logan, we read you loud and clear. Chief Travers, glad to hear you and your men are alive. This is Captain Samuel Littleton. You are to secure the enigma decoding device, and any and all documents. I'm sending an armed boarding party over. Do you copy? We're taking on water fast, Sir. There's a... there's a crack in the hull. We're going down fast, abandoning ship. Chief! Chief! Listen to me, you are to secure those items. - That's an order! - Chief? We're not sinking. Yeah, we are. Yeah. It's a big damn crack. Runs the length of this hull. Don't you see it? Guys, don't you see the crack going through the hull? Abers? Yes, Chief. - Big crack. - That's right, a big one. So let's open all the vents and scuddle this boat. Open them, now! A promiss is a promiss. U.S.S. Logan, did not copy last transmission, you're breaking up. Did not copy last transmission. Chief! Dammit. - All clear, Chief. - Up you go. Ho-hoo, we're going home! After you. I'm still the highest ranking officer on this boat. After you. - But, Sir, you don't-- - No, Nate, I do. - I understand entirely what you're saying. - But, Sir-- I just hope that you can appreciate that, as prisoners of war... it makes the situation somewhat delicate. Sir, had it not been for their actions, six American lives... including my own, would have been lost. But they're Germans. And we're still at war here. I'm sorry, Nate. My hands are tied. It is impossible. I hope you understand that. Nate. I realize what these men did for you. And I'm gonna do anything in my power to see to it... that they're as well taken care of as possible. Thank you, Sir. I was dead, several times. I... I gave up all hope of ever coming home. I wish I could have been there for you. You were. In more ways than one. I don't know what I'd do without you. What? You think you can get rid of me that easily? Camp Cooke, California German P.O.W. Compound Thank you. Hello. This is my wife, Rachel. She wanted to meet you. It's my pleasure. None of us would have made it had it not been for your husband. You've a brave man there. He says the same about you. A telegram... was sent to my house... it said that my husband's boat was missing. They had lost contact... and the crew was presumed dead. Thank you. I'll let you two talk. I'll be right there. She's beautiful. I can't take credit for that, but... thanks. Here. My cigarettes! How did you get these? You don't wanna know. Thank you. How are the men? The food is good, clean rooms... The Captain was unrealistic in his demands. I suspect he even knew this'd be our fate. He didn't want you to end up here. He wanted us to live. He succeeded. We succeeded. - The war will be over soon. - Yeah. We will return home. If that torpedo had detonated... I... I don't know. I know. Good to see you, my friend. - Stubborn bastards, those americans. - All ahead, 15 degrees starboard. - They're leaving. - They're leaving. Periscopedepth. We'll teach them who the stubborn ones are. - 286 degrees, 15 knots. - Distance: 2700 meters. Ready tubes 3 and 4. Ready. - 112 degrees. - Torpedo ready? 3 and 4 ready. Ready. Fire. Yes! We got her! We got her! - A good yankee is a good yankee. - We dive. - How is Heinrich? - Concussion. He'll be okay. Good, I'll check in on him later. - Good move. - You always win anyway. - Do you know what your problem is? - My queen is in a bad position. You always underestimate yourself. You should have been a commander yourself, instead of hanging around me. I thought that you would be more cheerful, after we sunk that cruiser. We sink one, they sink 30. We're lucky, that the torpedo exploded. - The Americans joined the war. - It didn't go so well last night. It'll all be better soon. With a little luck... With a little luck, we'll make it home in one piece. - What is it, Bauer? - Look at this. Allways when you least expect it. - How many moves do I have left? - Two. Chess mate. Good, I hate chess. I get worse for every move. - Sorry to disturb you, Captain. - We're finished. We got a message... from home. Give it to me. Jonas, what does it say? I need a moment alone. They bombed Hamburg. His daughters school is completely destroyed. No survivors. - Torpedoes... Fire. We have to surface. Jonas, It's night. We have to surface. - Yes, prepare for surfacing. - Ready for surfacing. We couldn't stop the bleeding in the brain. How old was he? 18? Heinrich wanted to show what he could. From the first day. You couldn't do anything. You couldn't stop it. No... That's the problem. Captain... Glenn Miller? Good. - Torpedoes! - Damn! All Ahead full. Dive! Where the hell is he? Två subs. One of ours and an american. - Distance? - 4000 meter. - She's right in front of us. - Distance 400 meters. Fire! Follow me. Now! Come. Move! Move it! You're not scared of a few americans? I'm worried about supplies. We'll be at the supply wessel in a week. We have enough supplies. There's nothing to worry about. When we get there, we'll turn over the americans for interrogation. Klaus, could you give us a moment. As you wish. What is it? You said it yourself - the war is ending. Why risk everything now? Make sure my orders are followed, Ludwig. Yes, captain. - Why the hell did he bring them onboard? - There are rules in war. Not when they just sunk one of ours. The entire crew were killed. - Our Comrades! - Are you questioning him? I don't doubt the captains orders. Neither should you. He puts us in danger. That's what war is. Eat. They don't understand a word. Here you go. I hope you like it. Leave it. Chain them, and give him medicine. - Let him die. - Do as I say! Take his handcuffs off For him. What are you looking at, Rat? Not only are you eating our food, I also have to look at you. Thats enough. I hurt everywhere and it's difficult to breathe. I'll give to something for the pain. Get some rest. You'll be well soon. - How many? - Eight sick. Others have the symptoms. Captain, come here, please. We're almost there, but the supply vessel isn't here. - What do you mean? - They aren't answering to our radiosignals. - Are we in the right position? - Yes. Damn! Up periscope. An american destroyer. Damn! - Distance? - 2500 meter2. 2500. Captain? What's your command? We must act. - How many torpedoes do we have? - Two front, one stern. Ready one and two. Set torpedo depth at 5 meters. 1800 meters. Otto, Come here. - Torpedoes ready. - Ready. Now! Torpedoes ready. - The americans escaped! - I told you it would happen! - Cooper! - Nej! Stop! Dive! Deapth: stern minus 20, bow minus 30. - Quick! - Everybody to the front! Hurry! Quick! 50 meters. Back! - We have to get rid of the americans. - Here? A mass execution? I want to get rid of them as well. But we can't get rid of the bodies. I can live with the smell. - What is it, Bauer? - There's something you have to see. Wilhelm was the first to get the symtoms. Here. The americans are like the plague. And we have them here on board. - The crew must not know. - What? But the americans... That is an order! And you will obey. Everybody must wear the breathing apparatus, until we can surface. - The americans can't have any. - Everybody must wear the breathing apparatus. Ja, Captain. How long are we staying down here? As long as we can. - Is she still there? - Perhaps. "Perhaps" is not good enough. - Ready to surface. - We'll be an easy target. What would you prefer? Dying here or up there? At least we have a chance up there. Surface. We're clear! Transmit emergency signal. - Family? - Yes, my son. Never forget this is the enemy. Take care of your own men. Out. Eat! And? Every second is precious. We must do something about the americans. Take off his handcuffs. That is all. That he's speaking to them - that alone is treason. You've seen how he behaves. He's insane. This is insane. - What do we do? - I refuse to obey him. I hope that you won't either. Jonas! - You can't just surrender. - It's my duty to save the men. Don't surrender us to them! - We can manage without them. - If only we could. Ludwig! - Your name is Hans, right? Go to hell. - Have we surrendered captain? - Shut up! This is my boat! I make the decicions. We won't make it home, not in this boat. If you want to die, we all die. But if you want to make it back home alive this is our only chance. Come on! Ahead, half speed. Confirm course. - 285. All ahead, full. We must do something. Stop at once! You will get what you deserve! - Whats happening? - We're being attacked. Hurry! No, leave it. Put down the phone. - The torpedo will explode! Are you mad? - You can ask the captain about that. Go up there. Go! Put down the gun! Hands up! Traitor! I will not let you surrender the boat. - Are you going to kill us all? - I'd rather die with my honor intact! - No more talk now. The war is over. - Exactly. Go to...! Jonas! It's your boat now Get the crew home. Damn. - If we surface, they can attack. Prepare to surface. Ready one and two. Sink the traitor! Fire! All ahead, full. 110 starboard. Torpedo three and four reload. Ready one for fire. Fire! I said we don't have any! Ouch! Alice! I'm sorry. It's your fault you're drunk! You didn't remove your hand! Alice, what's with you? We're sorry. It was an accident. What accident? She saw my hand at the door! You did it on purpose, you whore! If that's the case, then you're the shit! You bastard! It's your own fault that your hand got slammed. Thelma, come. You can complain to the Police! You arrogant bitch! No good arguing with a drunk. Get off me! Get off me! Thelma, help! Alice! Alice! Tito, what are you doing? Run! Help me! - You can't run away from me! - I didn't mean it! Alice! I didn't mean it! Now, come near me! Go ahead and try! Go ahead and try! Somebody help Alice! You arrogant bitch! Who do you think you are? Just because you're going abroad! Help me! Let go of me! Help! Let go of me! Alice! Alice! Are you sure about this? The ghost was standing there. Your Mommy saw him. Why didn't she tell us? Why didn't you tell me? I promised your Mommy not to tell stories like that. So what happened to the robber? He didn't make it to the hospital. Then he should be here! Most probably, his soul is still roaming around here. Let's call him! Let's ask why he steals. I don't want to! Let's not do it anymore. Don't be a coward! We'll just ask. Count me out. I'm going to bed. Stay here or I'll make the troll get you! I'll have asthma again! You won't if you'll be brave. Billy, hold her. Billy, start now. Don't tell your Mommy. I won't. Let's close our eyes. Spirit, spirit, if you're here... Spirit, spirit, we have a question. I want to pee! Keep quiet. I'm losing my concentration. Spirit, spirit, we have a question. What's your name? Why did you steal? Billy, I feel something. Spirit, spirit, are you here? Answer our question, please? Daddy! Daddy! You're making too much noise. Denton, did you start this? Your teaching your sister nonsense! Billy, I bet you started this! Why hasn't your uncle fetched you? Go upstairs. Go to sleep! Go upstairs! Billy, you go home! Daddy... Get in! Hurry! Inton... Inton, the kids... Hello, Mother, are the kids with you? And lnton? Where did he go? Why did he take the kids without telling me? What have you done to us? Where is my family? I asked you to cooperate but what did you do? Where are they? You drove away my family. I don't need you anymore! You're useless! Misfortune! Misfortune! Misfortune! Misfortune! Misfortune! Misfortune! - Wake up, Ma'am. - Wake up, Ma'am. Wake up, Ma'am. Wake up, Ma'am. Help me carry her. What happened here? The Bagua, the mirror beside me. Have you seen it? No. What mirror is that? What happened here? Were you robbed? - Where's lnton? - He hasn't returned. - The kids? - Upstairs with your mother. Doctor, she had a fever when she got here this morning. It must be the cause of trauma. - Mommy! - Mommy! I'm sorry, kids. Mommy, I don't like it there. There are so many ghosts! Even Daddy saw them. We saw Aunt Alice. Is Aunt Alice dead? It's all over. Stop crying. That's what I told them. It's over, kids. You're here now. Come on, we're going home. I don't like it there anymore. There are so many ghosts! - Mommy, we saw... - Joy, what are you doing? Wait for lnton to come home. - He instructed... - Why, where is he? He's with Dina, isn't he? If he really cares for the kids, he shouldn't have left them. Let's go! Joy, do you want the children to die? What right do you have to care for my family? You think I've forgotten? Since we got married... you tried to separate us because you like Dina more. Now you try to steal even my children. One of us will die before I ever let you. Denton, Ingrid, let's go! Let's go, Denton! Come outside, Ingrid! Joy, what's with you? Denton, faster! Let's go! - Joy, are you out of your mind? - Ingrid, stop crying! Joy! - Joy! - Mommy! Outside! Inton? Inton! Joy took your children! What will you do? Fight over the kids? - You'll have one each? - What do you want me to do? - Just let her take them! - I know Joy. She'll never let go of what is taken from her. I saw what happened in that house last night. I don't want to endanger my children. I need you here too, lnton, please. I tremble whenever Louie calls. Who knows what he'll do? Look, Dina. I won't be long. In the meantime... don't answer any phone call. Okay? Denton, Ingrid, let's go! - What about my toys? - We'll get it back. - Will we stay there long, Mommy? - I don't know. Come on. Aunt Joy? Can we go biking? Okay. But not too far and don't stay long. Aunt Thelma is coming in one hour. - Yes, Mommy. Let's go! - Let's go! - Don't go near our house! - Yes, Mom! You take care. - Billy, wait for me. - I don't want to! You're so slow. Hurry! Let's go there. Who's this? It's Xiu Liao. Is this Joy Ramirez? Yes. Just say no. What? When good fortune comes, reject it. That will end the curse. The curse will end only if you say no to good luck. Then, destroy the mirror. The curse will end and that will save the next victim. Hello? I heard you. Nobody thought of the solution because it's so simple. I can't believe nobody thought of it. It's not that nobody thought of it. Maybe they just found it hard to let go of good fortune. The boys aren't here yet, but I called the guards. That boy will get it from me. It's almost an hour already. Mommy, you left my toothbrush at home. Ingrid, we'll buy a new one. Get your bag inside. We will wait for your brother. Here is Jojo's number. He'll expect your call. See if you'll like his condo. Thanks, Teddy. We owe you a lot. No problem. Mr. Roxas! Mrs. Ramirez! Your sons got in an accident outside the gate. - What happened? - Where are they? They were biking in the highway. They got hit by a jeep. Billy is in serious condition. - Oh, my God! - What about Denton? What happened to Denton? Better come with us. Nobody can decide what to do. Mommy... Thelma, take care of Ingrid but don't tell her what happened. Call me, okay? - Yes, just don't leave here. - I'll handle it. Billy! Billy! Mommy! Denton, what happened to you? Why aren't you doing anything? Mommy. Billy. Take him to the hospital. Lift! Lift! All right! Billy is alive. Right, Mommy? - Bring him to the car. - Move! Yes, but we must take him to the hospital. Guard, please take Denton home. Tell Aunt Thelma to treat your wound and tell her I'll call from the hospital. - Okay, son? - Yes, Mommy. I'll take you home, Denton. The boy lost a lot of blood. The problem is his blood type is rare. We have no stock of type AB. We used to get it from the American bases... but there are no more bases now. What now? The surgeon doesn't want to proceed without blood... or the boy won't survive. - My God! Oh, my God! - What is it? The doctor won't proceed with the operation... without available blood for Billy. Billy's blood type is rare. - Doctor, what's Billy's blood type? - AB. I'm type AB. Take it easy. You lost a lot of blood. Hello. Thelma, I couldn't refuse. The boy's life was at stake. Then I saw lnton. He's next! My God! I have to go to him. I have to help him. You're forgetting he doesn't want to see you. He might misinterpret. Hello? Aunt, was that Mommy? Yes, that was your Mommy. How is Billy? Your Mommy said don't worry, your friend is okay. Sir, Mrs. Joy Ramirez is here. She said it's about your kids. Okay, just a minute. Don't tell her I'm here. I'll call back. Is it Louie? It's Joy. She's in the lobby. She wants to talk about the kids. Don't trust her. Sometimes she scares me too. Ma'am, lobby phone. Hello! Inton! So you took the children from mother. You hid them. That's kidnapping. That's not why I came. Please listen to me first. I went to the house this afternoon. Your things were gone. I went to make sure the children are safe. Inton, the children are safe. Why will I endanger them? Look. Tell me where they are. And like I promised, we'll talk calmly. When you came, we were just at Teodoro's. The kids are with Thelma now. Is that true, Joy? Inton, where else will I take them? You know I have no family in Manila. Okay, I believe you. We'II ask the guard to let you up so we can talk. I don't want the children involved in this mess. I don't want them to carry this trauma when they grow up. Reception. Yes, Sir. Ma'am, you may go up to Room 1 404. Thelma. Inton already agreed to talk personally. I don't know. I told him where the kids are. You should leave. He might ask his mother to fetch the kids while we talk. It's safer in your house. Because it's near here. I have to go. I'm in the elevator. Let's go. Hurry! Out of order. The fire exit, quick! Let's go! Quick! It's too far here for your Mommy to go back. - She's nearer my house. - Can we visit Billy? Yes, even the hospital is near my house. Inton? Hurry up! Inton! Inton! Something will happen to you! You saw yourself in the mirror! I can save you if... Inton! Inton, please! After the ticket office, I'll check in for us and the kids. Your mother can pick up her ticket at 8:00 am. Let's meet at the airport lobby. Dina! Louie? Inton! Inton... - I have no sin against you! - Why did you come here? Louie? You're Louie! You're lnton's wife? What? You're Joy? Yes, it's me! I'm lnton's wife. Then... you understand me, don't you? - Louie, please? - Right? Do you understand me? Yes, I understand you! They both betrayed us. Louie, please don't! - Please... - You know... there's just one bullet left. - I'm glad I got to know you. - Louie... We can still fix this. You're so lucky. Hello? Thelma, Inton is gone. Aunt, is that Mommy? Yes, Ingrid. Ingrid is playing. Denton is sleeping. What happened, Joy? Louie, Dina's husband... He shot them, then shot himself. My God! Where will I take the kids now? I still have to stay here for a while. It might be better if you take them back home. Okay, Joy. My phone's battery's running out. Hello? Hello, Thelma? Ingrid, when is your birthday? July 10, 1997. Year of the rooster. What about your brother? September 6, 1993. Why, Aunt Thelma? We're the same. What a slow vehicle. Thank you. Good morning, Mrs. Ramirez. I'm Atty. Regalado. Lawyer of Mrs. Lily Mendoza. What do you want? Please excuse my dropping by like this. Your place was hard to find. Mrs. Lily Mendoza wants you to consider her offer. She'll give you 5 million cash for the mirror she wants. You look surprised. Even I will be surprised if I get an instant 5 million. No. - Ma'am, I thought... - I refuse your offer, Attorney. I'll raise the offer to 10 million. Cash! Right now! Even if you double it... I will refuse. I know it's hard to understand, but I have to do it. I'm sorry, Attorney. Please leave. I regret I got you. I regret that I ever believed in luck. You took so many lives. You took so many lives! - Mommy! - Mommy! Kids! I was so worried about you. What happened to you? Mommy, there was a big accident in the highway. So many vehicles were in the accident. It's a good thing Aunt Thelma drives well. So many died, even animals! Shhh... Stop it. You're here now. We're here now. No more to frighten us. No more ghosts. Most of all, we're all together now. Is Daddy home yet? Not yet. You're so dirty. Better wash up first. Go change your clothes. Thanks, Thelma. I owe you a lot. No problem. Come, I'll show you something. You broke it? Earlier, a lawyer was waiting for me. He offered 10 million pesos for the Bagua. I refused. Then, I did what Mr. Liao said. I broke it. What's important is it's over. I only have one problem left. How will I tell the children what happened to their Daddy? They already know. Believe me. My only problem now is how to tell you. What will you tell me? Did you tell her already? Almost, but you interrupted. Now you tell her. Thelma... I don't like... Listen to your son. Mommy, we have a surprise for you. Ingrid, come out! We were in the accident, Joy. We're among those who died. Bro... Come in. That goes there, by the kitchen. That goes upstairs. You threw the ball too hard! Let's both get it! Quick! What's that? It's a toy. Come on, let's show it to Mommy. Mommy... Mommy! Where the hell were you? Hey, let's just drop your bags off at the desk and I'll run you right over to the Grizzly... Vernon, what's the fucking hurry? We're not even playing there until tomorrow. You gotta meet X- ray I told you. He can wait for five minutes can't he? We don't want him on our backs. - So, why do I even bother coming... - Vernon, please don't start that shit. - He's not a bad guy. - He won't pay us. But it's an influential venue and it has history... We're just droping off the bags We'll be back in an hour... Excuse me... Hey! Hey! Gotta meet the man! Vernon, show them around. I'll be yours in a minute. Do you want a drink? Beer? Regarding the new stuff... the best I can do is Crux. They're pretty excited. There're this new label out of Austin, Texas... The advance is pretty much symbolic, but I can get you a good percentage. And what's their distribution? Round Austin, at the back of a van or something? No, all over the continent in alternative record stores. And if it turns into a real... if it really breaks out there's nothing stopping them from signing over to a major. Hang on one second. Wasn't I doing that deal? Yes, you were supposed to be three months ago. I told you. I'm in discussions with two major labels here. Well, I think it's time we took what we can get. You're hocking Lee's music... at bargain basement prices... and you don't give a fuck... I'm not hocking anything. I'm being realistic, I'm being real world. What do you mean by that 'the real world'? Well, I mean as opposed to some psychedelic junkie fantasy world just for instance... I'm being straight with you. Do you realize what this bullshit deal will do to Lee's career? It's as good as he's gonna get. What? I can do better than that in two phone calls. Two phone calls! Really? Be my guest! Make your fucking phone calls! Go ahead, make your phone calls! ... It's not my fault his reputation is shit. - Are you trying to say that it's mine? - Yeah, I am. So keep out of my way or I will slap you down. You understand what I'm saying? Vernon, you're going to regret this. No, I don't think so 'cause you're not even here. Ok? I don't even see you. I don't talk to you. I'm talking to Lee about his life and his work and his wife's ego is his fucking problem. Thank you. We're Metric. - I saw Lee. - Yeah, he just left. He can't wait five minutes? He's with Emily. It's my fault. She pissed me off. And I scared them away. When is he going to get rid of that woman? Well, I don't know. Maybe if he stops shooting up for a day. It's not gonna happen as long as he's with her. She's a junkie to the bone. That girl's a curse. She's been bringing him bad luck for five years now. What's the kid's name? I can't remember... Jay... Jay? Jay, it is. Where is Jay? Jay is in Vancouver with Lee's parents... What the hell are they doing in Vancouver? That's where they're from, Lee's dad, they just moved back. What's the point in having kids if you just dump them? Tell him you got this number from Lewis. Cheers. - Is it working? - No. It's not working. - Oh how come? - I don't know. Try Hello. Yes... Lewis gave me your number and... Alright... Hold on... Yes, yes, yes... Right... Go on... I got that... I'll be there... Now? Like in fifteen minutes... OKay, I'll be there... Bye. - I'm just going out for a bit. Alright? - Yeah... alright... See you. - You got what you wanted? - Yeah. I didn't like the way you spoke to Vernon you know. You liked the way he spoke to me? No, I didn't, but you know he's right, don't you? Come on... I told you, I'm waiting for Dreamworks to get back to me. They don't give a shit at Dreamworks. Come on... that little slut Susan, she'll go down on you anytime anywhere darling... It's not Susan's decision who gets signed to fuckin' Dreamworks, is it? Then whose is it then? I don't know who makes the decisions. I don't know anyone there anymore. How long ago did you send her those tapes anyway? I said how long ago? - I don't know maybe like two months. - Two months. And you still can't figure out why I had to get Vernon to sort it out. Actually I don't. If you want me to give it away to some bullshit label I could anytime no problem. I think It's pretty bloody obvious now that the problem is the record it's not the fucking record label... Where is the bottle opener? Look... I'm 42. No one expects anything from me anymore. If I do something now it's gotta be absolutely exceptional or no one's gonna give a fuck. And this record is anything but exceptional. It's just a lazy, shoddy average piece of shit. And right, I may be off my face half the fucking time but I know what I'm doing you know. And I've done better than this. I fucking hope I have. Well then do better again. Look. What I'm saying is simple. Maybe next year, next week, next month I'll do something better than this but right now all I'm worth is this pathetic little bunch of songs just absolutely fucking nothing. You think it's my fault? It's my bad influence? Why do you always think everything's always based around you? Did you read that article in Q? Forget about it. Fucks. I can't stand this shit anymore. Did you see what they wrote about me? How am I supposed to take that? We've been through this a million bloody times. Do, yourself, and do me a favor and just forget about them for five fuckin'minutes right? If you want to talk about drugs, let's talk about drugs. That's all we ever talk about. I was just trying to talk about something else for a fucking change. You're just like Vernon you think the minute you get rid of me, everything will be fine, right? You're a fuckin' pain in the ass, Emily. I'm out of here. I will leave in peace to make your music to rebuild your career... - alright? - Do what you fucking like. I couldn't care less. Just leave me in peace. Really do it. No, No, You can't be in here. Let go, let go! I'm his wife! Let go! I need to see some lD please madame. Alright... Get back. Stop. Let go! You've no right to do this! - Mam - Let go! - Calm down - Let go off me! You're hurting me! You're hurting me! Let go! No,no, no... Please, madame. Alright miss Wang... You admit to knowing about Lee Hauser's drug problem? Yes. Did you supply him with the heroin he overdosed with? No. The heroin that you're caring on you at the time of your arrest? Where did you get it from? I got it from Lee Hauser. And where did he get it from? I don't know. Right. He died at 4 a.m. Where were you then? I was sleeping in a car by the lake. And did anybody see you there? I don't think so. Alright. Do you admit yourself to be addicted to drugs? Yeah. And for how long have you been using heroin? Several years. - How you doing? - Hi. We're looking for Mr. Hauser. - He's on a boat over there. - Thanks guys. - You fellows'd like some coffee? - No, thanks. - Are you sure? - We're fine, thanks. Ok darling, here we go... Albrecht! Show granpa... Albrecht! Are you okay? What's wrong? Come on darling, get your knapsack... I'll call you for afternoon tea. And you finish the drawing for grandpa. Rosemary... Rosemary, No! No! Rosy! Hi. The hotel clerk's deposition is pretty much in your favor he said he saw you leave way before Lee died. And you didn't provide the drugs. If you plead guilty for possession, you should get off pretty lightly. Don't expect to go home tomorrow Are you with me here? Yeah... I'm not feeling too well. I'm on methadone. Hits you pretty hard off the top. Does it get better? Depends on the person. Not for me. What did the lawyer say? Worst case, six months. - And best case? - Six months. Oh and... yeah, I forgot to tell you... I signed a contract for Lee's record. He's obviously more interesting dead than alive... Plus he got a ton of press. way more than I would have expected. He was on the cover of Mojo. Thanks for not sending it to me. Well the general tone with regards to you wasn't particularly flattering. So I fielded a bunch of offers and I accepted the most prestigious. Of course, I'm joking... I mean the most lucrative. It will pay some debts... and your lawyer's fees. Thanks. Don't thank me. I did it for Lee. You won't have to pay for a thing. And in return. I don't want you to ask me for anything ever again. When I walk through this door I no longer exist. Just tell me this. Were you there when he died? No. Have you been fighting? Yes. Did you buy the stuff? No. Six month later Your keys. You can go off the door to your left or to your right to the right side of the building spot 5... Thank you... Here's your salad sir. Everything over there vinegar, salt and pepper, thank you. Wouldn't you have prefered somewhere more private? I'm really grateful that you came. You didn't have to. I've been taking care of Lee's unfinished business. And it's... mostly debts as you know. I had to sell your apartment in London to pay them off. Of course, I had it emptied. And... the receipt of where I put your things. It's in your name. And the address is right on it. I'm not going back to London. Not right now. I'm going to go to Paris. Is that where you lived before you met Lee? Yeah. I have worked things out with Barclay's. And what was left of your joint account is now in your name, and your credit card is working again. How much is left in the account? Well it's not much. It's enough to pay your way back... Maybe get by for a few weeks, not much more. - If you want, I can... - No, thank you. I'm fine. Hamburger half fries half onions is ready. I've been trying to work out Lee's contracts the different record companies... the different record companies... the compilations... but it's like reading algebra. There's still a lot of unpublished stuff... mostly from the late eighties. There's this friend of Lee... He's been very helpful... This fellow Tricky... - He's famous. - Yes, I've heard. A huge star. I don't know his music but Lee liked him. He's been faithful to their friendship. It's very unusual. Since Lee died, he... I'm sorry, it's hard for me... Are you alright? Yeah. I'm taking methadone. It's a heroin substitute. I'm sure your lawyer told you. The court handed down its decision yesterday. Jay is staying with us. Father dead... mother in prison... No home, no job, nothing. Do you intend to appeal it? No, of course not. I can't take care of him right now. You see the motel sign... It's right there. Thanks for the ride. You know your way back? Well... - More or less. - More or less? Well, don't get lost. Emily... There's something I'd like to ask you... It's a bit delicate... You see it was difficult to explain his father's death to Jay. I don't know what he thought or what he felt. But... He's a well adjusted boy but he's sensitive. I'm scared... I'd prefer if, for the next few years..., you'd agree not to see him. Rosemary and I have done everything we can to give him some kind of stability. A home... a sense of belonging... And I'm afraid of unsettling him. I understand. Legally, you have the right to see him. But I think you should give him some time. We'll keep in touch. Ifyou have any problems we'll help. Goodbye. Paris, a few weeks later Steamed duck. Chicken saute. Chicken curry. White rice. Enjoy your meal. White rice? All done? Careful. Everyone knows. They want to tell Mr. Li. You'll get us all in trouble. And with the pills you're totally spaced out. Fried noodles, white rice, stir-fried shrimp, and Peking duck for two. Another fried noodles. I'm here. What's wrong? Nothing. I'm sick of this shitty job. I couldn't get your prescription. And I'm worried. Alexis hasn't answered for 4 days. I'm all out! I know. And I told you I'd do my best. We better get going. Who's she? Aline. Alexis's ex-girlfriend. She still has the keys to his place. We haven't spoken in over a year. This is a pain in the ass. I tried before. It's chained from inside. See what I mean? Don't bother. I already tried. Allow me. Let's clean up then we'll call the cops. Give me a trash bag. - You should lay off that stuff. - Fuck you. It's none of my business. It's your life. - Are you coming or not? - Watch your tone! You asked me for a ride. Now I have to help Aline. What should I do? Go sit and wait for the cops? I can drop you off somewhere or leave you here. I don't need your help. Do you pity me? I don't need pity. Emily, just shut up. You're only here because I'm Lee's wife. - Fuck off. - Get lost! Get lost! No need to say it twice. Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre! What's going on with Tricky? His manager is putting you on the guest list. Who the hell cares about the guest list? I want 5 minutes with him. I know. I'm waiting for an answer. I need to talk to him. You think he'll help get your son back? Wake up. Look at you. You think you can raise a kid? Want some money for a cab? I know we're not Limp Bizkit, but for once I'd like to do a sound-check. The band before you screwed up. I can't be everywhere. Don't take it so personally. It's the club-owners who suck. They care about the beer they sell not the music. I don't like being yelled at. I'm upset. I had to get it off my chest. This morning I got the demos I did with Gloria. Who's Gloria? I told you about her. I met her in prison. - Are You angry? - You bet your ass I am. In prison who was the punk you or her? No, it's like that for the men. For us, the problem was trying not to get raped by the guards. But... if you care... I managed just fine, thanks. Thank God for your letters. Everyone else forgot about me. Come off it. Except the press who wrote tons of crap. Yeah, here too. Skip the first two tracks. They're mediocre remixes. Start with the third. You do the vocals? I wrote the lyrics too. Gloria did the music. Come on, Elena... That was an easy shot. Is Gloria still in jail? She was involved in a hold-up. A guy got hurt. She's been in over a year and hasn't gone to trial yet. How many tracks do you have? About ten. I know it sounds pretty rough, but obviously the conditions were lousy. Not good, not bad. I can't say. Like a lot of other stuff. You mean it sucks. I didn't say it sucks. Let's get out of here. Hello. I'm Irene Paolini's assistant. - Hello. - This way. She shouldn't be long. With her you never know. I'm always apologizing for her. It's a real pain. I know. I used to work with her. - I know. - Really? I watched you every week on the cable. Introducing video clips, MTV-style dressed like a total bimbo. I watched the show for you. I was a huge fan. I still am. Thanks. When was it... at least six years ago... - How old were you? - Fifteen. I was in high school. I wore my hair and clothes like you. Thanks. - You want a coffee? - Yeah, I do. My name is Sandrine. - We spoke last week. - Oh yeah? I put your call through to Irene. I haven't stopped thinking of you since. Last night I dreamt of you. Was it a good dream or a bad one? A little of both. I went to a hotel. I had to see you. They wouldn't let me in. It wasn't even a fancy place. I told them 'I'm a friend of Emily Wang's.' They didn't believe me. I became hysterical. I was crying. It got later and later. Fortunately Lee Hauser was there. He recognized me and let me in. But when we got up to your room... you'd disappeared. The bed was left unmade. - And? - Nothing. I woke up. Are you in Paris for good? I don't know. It depends on a lot of things. Does it depend on Irene Paolini? I need to find a real job. To do something with my life. Right now, things aren't great. It's true that I'm counting on her. Did she offer you something serious? No, nothing. We just spoke for a minute. How typical. All she cares about is herself. The heyday of cable is over. The network doesn't give her much freedom. It's a police state. I wanted to work with Irene Paolini because she used to try new things. I guess that's sort of true. She's given up now. You're being harsh. You had your share of blows. You've lashed out too. People badmouth you but you haven't given up. That's why I respect you. And not Irene Paolini. Are you okay? Hey it's you. I couldn't get hold of him. They came late and went to do the sound-check. But I got you a ticket. - But no backstage pass. - You said you would. Yeah, but they're being control freaks. I could barely get one for myself. Tricky has to convince Lee's father. I want to see my son again. At least once in a while. It's only human. I'm not asking much. I wrote him a letter. Will you give it to him? Call me on my cell phone after the concert. I'll tell you where we're eating. Come meet us. Did you get to see Irene Paolini? No. She stood me up. I'm waiting for another appointment Hello. He got your letter. Someone else gave it to him. Hold on... Excuse me tricky I have Emily. She's on the phone. And she's on the street outside. What should I tell her? - Nothing... OK... - Apparently, it's not a great time. What I suggest is that... Meet us at the stage door. It's on Rue Caumartin. Go ahead. Mr. Li wants to see you. I called to say I'd be late. Take care of this. She's your niece. Follow me. - No use coming back. - What did I do? You know. You didn't keep your word. You must respect your family. If they respect me. My mother won't speak to me. I was like a father. I lent you money. I gave you a job. - What a job! - It's not good enough for you? Yeah, yeah... Ashamed working with other Chinese? I never said that! We had an agreement: no drugs here. - I respected that. - Liar! They could shut down my restaurant. Give me a light. I'm gone for good. And I'll pay you back. Don't bother. Keep the money. London, a few days later. - Would you like a tea or coffee? - No, thanks. I'm fine. Oh I'm so sorry. I thought I was on time. - No... You're on time - Come this way. So, are you staying long in London? My wife is sick. She has to have some tests. It depends on the results. - Nothing serious, I hope... - No, no. Here's the first drafts for the cover graphics for the re-releases. A friend of Lee did them, Morris Ort. Do you know him? No. He's very talented. He's a painter who's doing extremely well these days... He doesn't normally do this sort of things anymore but for Lee, he made an exception. We're thinking of releasing all three albums at the same time in September next year... As we agreed, nothing is definite until we get your approval... I think he'd like that... and... if it was a friend of his... A friend of Lee's did them. - Who? - Oh god, I can't remember. A friend from London, I think. Is that supposed to be Lee? Yes, it's... stylized. But I think it's pretty good. Doesn't look like him. No. I think it does. When? When did he look like that? Well... When he was young when he first left and went to London and we didn't hear from him for a while. I read the liner notes they want to put with the CDs. So did I. - I didn't think much of them. - No. They give a false image of him. As if there was nothing but drugs in his life. And misfortune... - It's not true at all. - No... It's journalists, they have this romantic idea of self-destruction. Lee wasn't self-destructive. Well... he did everything to excess. Less than the friends he hung around with back then... they're all complete alcoholics. It's good they're re-releasing his records. Yes, I'm happy about it. Despite the stupid liner notes. I think they would have made him laugh, too. Yes. - I wasn't gone too long? - No. So what did you get up to? Did you watch cartoons? Yes. What did you do when the cartoon was over? I read. You read! - What'd you read? - I read MD Geist. I thought you read that already. No, I meant the new one. I have to tell you something. We're gonna have to stay in London a bit longer than I thought. Are we going to stay at the hotel? Yes. Do you remember how I told you that the specialists had examined grandma Rosemary because she had a very sore back? Yes. Well they don't know what it is that causes the pain. So they have to keep doing these tests. So she's gonna stay in the hospital and we're gonna stay together. Are we gonna live in the hotel? Yeah. The two of us gonna stay in the hotel. - Is that okay with you? - Yes. Now, tomorrow you'll come with me and we'll go visit Grandma Rosemary at the hospital. Okay. Sorry, the other day I was with the head of programming. I know... it's the same old thing. I detect a note of reproach. Not at all. It's just that I know you. - You're angry about the past. - No. I'm still angry with you. You really didn't treat me that nice. We don't have to see each other. I can leave now if you like. - No, don't. - If you act up, I won't stay. Stay. So Sandrine says you're moving back to Paris... I can't go back to London. Too many memories. What are you going to do now? I wanted to discuss it with you. A drink? The same thing... a whiskey. As I was saying I thought I'd talk to you. I thought maybe you could help... Maybe, but times have changed. Sure, but times seem to be treating you okay. Yes, because... I'm good at my job... good at corporate politics. But if I had a little freedom... No, please... forget about it. You're busy but I wanted to thank you for the show. It was great. Thank you. That's so nice of you! - See You soon, I hope. - See you soon. Lee didn't leave you anything? We weren't married. We had a joint account. Almost empty. And your son? If I want to see him I need to turn my life around. Meaning? I need a job, for example. - And to stop shooting up. - That's history. - I doubt it. - I said that it's history! I was on methadone but I stopped taking it. Do you know how often I hear that in my office? I've known you long enough and I've heard all your lies. - I've changed. - People don't change. That's your opinion, not mine. Sandrine said you were stoned out of your mind. You can level with me. I don't care. It's your life. She's pretty, Sandrine. - Do you sleep together? - No. She dumped me two months ago. - Do you still love her? - Two days ago I followed her all night long. - Did she know? - Yes. She pretended I didn't exist. She was with a woman her new lover. I've known for a while. I couldn't care less. This woman has a restaurant near Beaubourg. It's doing okay. Not too pretty, but very maternal. Unlike me. I did something incredibly stupid. And it's too late to yell at me. Sandrine stopped by to have me sign something. I got her into the bathroom locked the door and left. I swear! It's not funny! You're not a kid anymore. You can't do that! - I know. - Pathetic. Is Irene here? Come here. Come closer. Yes, I'd like a taxi. Thank you. - What Did You tell her? - That it's over. - Are You serious? - Dead serious. - You just killed her. - I doubt it. But I really hope I did. This way. Through the courtyard. It's Irene. She'll call all night to apologize. - You want a whiskey? I do. - Sure. Then I'll be going. Is it true you and Irene were lovers? It's too much. I'll get drunk. So what? Before Lee, you were with Irene. Not with her. But yes... We were lovers. - Did Lee know? - Sure he did. Sorry for all the questions. No need to apologize. It's no secret. Emily? Emily! Emily! - I got it. - It's heavy. I'll manage. Yann and Henri are friends of Jeff's. - Hi. - Want to see your room? I thought you'd call last night. I saw Irene. - Any luck? - No, a dead end. I told you not to count on her. I crossed that bitch off my list ages ago. You can unpack. You can stick the crates in the closet. - Like it? - It's great. The bathroom's that way. If Jeff's dog bothers you just hit him. Beat it! Are you two coming? - We're finishing something. Later. - Later. I told Jeff I'd stop by rehearsals. Here are the keys. For the house and for the gate. You can always reach me on my cell. Make yourself at home, okay? See you later. Emily. What's wrong? Want a painkiller? I took one. I wish Lee were here. To take me in his arms. To tell me it'll be okay. I'm sick of being alone. I keep screwing up. Why did he leave me all alone? - Hi. - I didn't see you yesterday. It was my day off. That's why you were here on Sunday and I'll be here again next Sunday... Oh good. I haven't been to see Mrs. Hauser yet. Well, they've promised they'd do a scan today. What did the doctor say? I don't know, I have a bad feeling... - Are you sure the scan is today? - That's what they told me. And that's what they said yesterday and the day before... same thing... Listen, I don't know All I can do is repeat what they tell me. - I wasn't complaining. - I'm sorry. It's me I'm feeling tense... Let me get it. - How are you doing with Jay? - Fine, fine. It's the first time you've spent any time with him. Yes. Even with Lee, I didn't take much interest until he was... until he was already a little grownup. Kids intimidate me. - Why? - Because they understand everything. they read your thoughts they know what you're going to say even before you say it. So... what conclusions has Jay come to? He thinks that I'm shy, a bit awkward, pretty boring... not that smart But I'm smarter than he thinks. - Are you? - Yes... He takes coins from my pockets and he doesn't think I notice... but I do. Other than that, he wants to see his grandmother. Let's wait until tomorrow. I spoke to Emily. - Who? - Your daughter-in-law. She lives in Paris. She says she's off the drugs. She's getting a job... I think she's having a hard time I don't know, I feel sorry for her... - Albrecht. - Yes. I don't want to talk about her. Of course, but she is Jay's mother... and one day, we're going to have to talk... One day, Not now. - Ronaldo Demachy. - Hi. Sorry about the wait. I'll be frank. I'm seeing you because Irene Paolini insisted. She's someone I respect a lot. I won't waste your time. I want things to be perfectly clear. I think they are. Right. We're opening a boutique in the Printemps department store. You'll have certain responsibilities, but it's a step above salesgirl. I understand that. It's very hard work, and to be honest not very well-paid. I've thought it over and I want it. Do you know our line? Of course. We target active women with limited means but who expect quality. Not exactly your profile. But the store attracts a lot of tourists, Sure. No problem. many of them Asian, so speaking several languages is a major asset. Come meet Madame Gregory. She runs the show here. She's busy overseeing our new lingerie collection. Obviously you'll have to fit into our mold. - Meaning? - You can't dress like you are now. Or like you did on your cable show. It would look bad. - You saw the show? - It was my generation. It was a lot of fun. It was before cable TV caught on. It was for the happy few. The cool set. There's Madame Gregory. - Are you home? - I'm going out soon. How was it? Awful. - It didn't work out? - Yeah, it'll work out. I don't exactly have a choice. I learned that in prison. - Learned what? - To adapt. If I want to see Jay I have to change my life. Even if the new life sucks. It's the life most people live. - Yeah, but it's grim. - Being a junkie was better? I don't know. I honestly don't. - You went shopping. - A little. For Jay. He can sleep downstairs. Don't bother. I'll make room with me. He'll be fine. It's no bother for a weekend. Exactly. If I only have two days I want him near me the whole time. Don't get carried away. What do you mean? What happens when he has to go? Back to London. Then back to Vancouver. It's far away. I'm sorry to be harsh. You're right. Maybe it's better if I don't see him. I don't know. Why is Albrecht coming? I wrote him to say I'm doing well that I found a job. I guess he doesn't believe me. He's checking. Are you up to the test? I'm trying to change... But I don't know if I can take care of a child. I want a coffee. I'll meet you inside. Got any change? Remember I told you about Gloria? - The girl you met in prison? - She's out. I thought she was in for a while. It turns out the case was dismissed. She called last week. She wants me to join her. - Where? - San Francisco. She found a label. They like our demos. Be careful. Do you have a contract? She didn't mention one. Is there any money in it? They're willing to pay for sessions with a real producer. - What's his name? - David Roback. - Got a light? - No. He has a group called Mazzy Star. Excuse me, do you have a light? Sorry for bothering. Thank you. They did a few albums. Good stuff. I remember Mazzy Star. But he's only free next week. To record on Monday I'd have to leave on Sunday. I'm not going. I don't know how to tell Gloria. She'll be disappointed. Tell her you'll come later. It's now or never. And Jay comes first. If I go to San Francisco I'll fuck everything up. I've done enough of that. I won't do it again. Excuse me. There you are... Now, did you do what I said? Did you set your stopwatch? Oh yes. Good How long have we been in the tunnel? 4 minutes 35. 4minutes 35. You're right. What are we going to do in Paris? I've already told you three times we're going to see your mother. - Do I have to see her, too? - Yes. - Can't you go by yourself? - No. Coffee please. You didn't tell me, I was going to spend the week-end with her. She's your mother. - She killed my dad. - No, she did not! Yes, she did. Grandma Rosemary told me so. Jay, you know it was an accident. No, it wasn't. He died because he took the drugs she gave him. Come on. I have to talk to you. Your grandmother and I are old We won't always be here. What's gonna happen when we're gone? I haven't finished timing. Stop. She's your mom. She loves you and you have to get to know her. I don't love her and she doesn't love me either. You're alone. Jay didn't wanna come. What do you mean, you promised me... No, I didn't promise you anything I said I'd come to Paris and we'd talk. No, you said I have him all weekend. If he doesn't want to I can't force him. It's not good for you either. He doesn't want to see me. He doesn't know you. He hates me. I don't know He never talks about you. I know but... If you'd told me earlier... I wouldn't have gone my hopes so high. I'm trying to do my best It's not easy. I know. Me too. We have to stay in London. Maybe for a few weeks Give him some time. I'll talk to him... You can come over and see us. I'm sorry I can't do this Let's meet another time. Albrecht! - Hello. - Hello, a table for two. - Smoking or No smoking? - Smoking. Step this way, please. Thank you. Jay is here, he's with me in Paris. He's at the hotel, it's not far from here. His grandmother she thinks we're in Scotland she doesn't know he came with me here. How is she doing? They'll do a little operation next week. After that, it just depends on the tests. She seems to think... Well, to be honest, I can't even mention your name in front of her. Because she thinks that I'm responsible for what happened to Lee. Yes. that and everything else, his decline. How about you? I believe in forgiveness People change. If they need to, they change. But I don't want to hurt Rosemary. If she thought I'd brought Jay here for one second it would tear her apart I called you back because what you wrote in your letter really moved me. But you don't trust me. Does that make any difference? I mean, Emily, I'm old I won't always be able to look after Jay. You mean... by yourself? Yeah, that's it... that's exactly it. Without Rosemary... So, have you started your new job? Yeah I sell clothes for active women. At Printemps, it's a department store but I get the weekends off. Printemps somehow I can't imagine you. It's better than nothing for now. You'll find something you'll love you'll find something else. - I hope so. - Oh, you will. Wait for me I have to talk to him first. If he doesn't want to, then... No. No. No Of course... Of course. I am completely in your hands. If you choose to, you can run off with him. You're his mother. You don't risk much. I won't. And you will bring him back by 3:40 train tomorrow afternoon? Yes. I'm sorry Emily, I need you to give me your word. You have my word. Okay. - Have you been on a scooter before? - No. Would you like to try? Come on, you'll see... It's really fun, come! - Are you scared? - No. Since you didn't say anything I thought you were scared. I'm not scared. - Maybe you're scared of me? - No. - Your granddad said you were scared of me... - No. I'm glad to hear it Hold on tight! Let go! Come on. When I was a kid I only liked tigers and monkeys. - Do you like monkeys? - Depends which ones. How about the gorillas? - I have seen gorillas. - Where? In Canada At the Vancouver zoo. Oh come here, look! Is it nice the Vancouver zoo? - Much better than this one. - Come on, look at the zebras This one's lame What's it called again? It's the Vincennes zoo. That's the name of the town. - We're not in Paris? - No. In Vancouver there are grizzly bears elks and beavers. Maybe they've got some here. We can ask. No. I've seen enough of them in Canada. They're everywhere. Once one tried to bite me. - One what? - A beaver. - Are they dangerous? - No, they're really dumb. Look, there's a baby. So what do you want to see now? I want to see a snow leopard with white spots. A snow leopard, that's a very rare animal. I'm gonna ask the guy over there. - You wait for me here? - Okay. Thank you. Jay... Jay! Jay! Jay! - Do you think that's funny? - No. Me neither. I don't want to spend the weekend with you now. - Why not? - Because you killed my dad. - Is that what you think? - I'm not the only one. - Who else? - Everyone. - I didn't kill your dad. - You gave him drugs that killed him. That's not true. Then why does everybody say you did? - Because they don't know. - You're a liar. Come on. Let's just get out of here. It was me who went and brought the drugs that night. He tooks some, I took some... That's the way it was always between us... What's the difference who bought them... Anything could have happened... It could have been Lee losing me... And you know what? Drugs are more complicated than what most people think they are... Some people need them because they're suffering because they don't know how to live any other way... your dad was like that... And me too... Because you're weak. No, your dad wasn't weak. He did some really great work but it wasn't easy for him... You have to be very strong to do that... You should be proud of him. Then how come he needed drugs? They gave us some really good times. But afterwards, you always have to pay the price and it's very high. - Look at me I'm still paying. - You're not on drugs anymore? - I gave up Mainly for you. - Why for me? Because otherwise I know I'd never seen you again. Hi Sniff, that's Jay. Anyone home? Elena's gone out. - Here's the box. - Thank you. I'll show you upstairs our room... It's on your left. So this is the room Elena lends us. She is really nice. You gonna meet her later. You don't have your own room? It was in London. Why don't you live in London? - Too many memories. - Memories of my dad? Yes. You don't want to remember him? Yes, but not for now it's still too painful. - How about later? - Yeah... Maybe later. And how about you? Do you like London? Yes. - More than Vancouver? - Yes. Albrecht and Rosemary are nice but they're old and sad. - Because your father died. - Because Rosemary is going to die. - She told you that? - Yes. I'm gonna make some hot chocolate. Do you want some? Okay. Look over there there's some DVDs. Choose if there's one you wanna to watch... Go upthere. Hey, it's Gloria. Are you there? No? I'm in San Francisco, at the Triton Hotel on Grant Street. Remember, I told you about it... Please, please, please, call me back. David put the sessions off 48 hours to give you one last chance to get here. I don't know what else to say. I'll give you the number... Just a minute it's... Can I watch this one? No way. That's not for kids. Are you going to San Francisco? I don't know... I don't think so... That's where I was born. Yes. What's San Francisco like? It's a beautiful city by the sea. There's a big bridge you must have seen it in photos, no? If you go, can I come too? Try one of these, they're really good. Are you sure there's not another film that you'd want to watch? There must be something... Oh look! Robbie le Renne, have you seen that? - You hurry up, alright? - Okay. - I wait here. - Okay. Emily! You're bringing him back already? No, he forgot something. - What? - His hat. His hat? I thought he had it with him. - So how's it going? - Very well. - Has he adopted you yet? - Well... I forgot to take my magazine. And your hat... - But now you have it. - Yes. Pull it down over your ears otherwise you'll get cold... I've get to talk to your mom, OK? Let's go inside... In you go. What did he get from upstairs? His passport. I thought so. Where's he going? He wants to come to San Francisco with me. I got offered to record some songs there and it's a chance that's never gonna come back. So you're giving up... Clothes for active women at Printemps, yeah. Good... Glad to hear it... Thanks... Come on... I think it's brave of you... It's easy to be brave when things are going well... But when life is more difficult it's unusual... And special. I'm sure that's what Lee would advise you to do. I have a deal for you. - Do I have a choice? - Of course you have a choice. He's your son. You're his mother. Rosemary is not going to live very long. I want him to stay with her. So she can see him now and then... So, you go to San Francisco and then come join us in London afterwards... Is that okay with you? Of course... It's going to be a very difficult time for me... and for Jay... He's gonna need his mother... to protect him... And I'll try and help rebuild a life, ...a new life if that's at all possible... for both of you... Okay? Go. Chris, stand by. I think she's ready, go ahead and roll it. I saw her coming to me You will leave here tonight everybody is in ocean drinking wine from the bar Going home with the stars up in the sky Me I am down in the light There's a rhythm Don't ya know it Right here, for everything There's a lady She's a killer Silver mountain in her eye Going home with the stars up in the sky Me, I am down in the light Me, I am down in the light Emily, maybe we should take a break for a few minutes. Emily, I really liked it. I think we should go on and do another song. Alright. That was so great... - You're not tired? - No, I'm fine. OK, great. Vernon: Where the hell were you? Hey, let's just drop your bags off at the desk, and I'll run you right over to the grizzly. For Christ's sake, Vernon, what's the fucking hurry? We're not even playing there till tomorrow. You got to meet X-ray... I told you. He can wait for five minutes, can't he? We don't want him on our backs. So, why do I even bother coming? Vernon, please, don't start that shit. Come on, man. Don't get all uppity. He's not a bad guy. He won't pay us. But it's an influential venue. Vernon, he won't pay us! We're just dropping off the bags. We'll be back in an hour. [ Door chimes ring ] Excuse me. [ Door chimes ring ] [ Introduction to "dead disco" plays ] Hey, hey. This is the man... X-ray. Vernon, show them around. I'll be with you in a minute. You want a drink or something? Beer? Yeah, thanks. ¶ Skip town, slow down, push it to the east coast ¶ ¶ step down, turn around, push it to the west ¶ ¶ need less, use less ¶ ¶ we're asking for too much, I guess ¶ ¶ 'cause all we got is dead disco ¶ ¶ dead funk ¶ ¶ dead rock 'n' roll ¶ ¶ remodel ¶ ¶ everything has been done ¶ ¶ LA-LA LA-LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ¶ ¶ dead disco ¶ ¶ dead funk ¶ ¶ dead rock 'n' roll ¶ ¶ remodel ¶ ¶ everything has been done ¶ ¶ LA-LA LA-LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ¶ [ whispering indistinctly ] [ Whispering indistinctly ] ¶ Tits out, pants down, overnight to London ¶ ¶ touchdown, look around, everyone's the same ¶ ¶ worldwide, airtight ¶ ¶ no one's got a face left to blame ¶ ¶ all we got is dead disco ¶ ¶ dead funk ¶ ¶ dead rock 'n' roll ¶ ¶ remodel ¶ ¶ everything has been done ¶ ¶ LA-LA LA-LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ¶ ¶ dead disco ¶ regarding the new stuff, the best I can do is crux. They're pretty excited. They're this new label out of Austin, Texas. The advance is pretty much symbolic, but I can get you a good percentage. What's their distribution? 'Round Austin, out the back of a van or something? No, all over the continent in alternative record stores. But if it turns into a real... really breaks out, there's nothing stopping them from signing over to a major. Hang on one second. Wasn't I doing that deal? Yeah, you were supposed to be three months ago. I told you, I'm in discussions with two major labels here. Yeah, well, I think it's time we took what we could get. You're hocking Lee's music at bargain-basement prices, and you don't give a fuck. I'm being realistic. I'm in the real world. What do you mean by that, "the real world"? As opposed to some psychedelic, junkie-fantasy world, just for instance. I'm being straight with you. Do you realize what this bullshit deal will do to Lee's career? It's as good as he's gonna get. What? I can do better than that in two phone calls. Two phone calls? Really? Don't let me stop you. Be my guest. Make your fucking phone calls. Go ahead and make your phone calls! It's not my fault his reputation is shit. Are you trying to say that it's mine? Yeah, I am. So, keep out of my way, or I will slap you down. Vernon, you're gonna regret this. No, I don't think so 'cause you're not even here, okay? I don't even see you. I don't talk to you. I'm talking to Lee about his life and his work, and his wife's ego is his fucking problem. ¶ I know, I know you tried to change things ¶ thank you. We're metric. [ Cheers and applause ] I saw Lee. Yeah, yeah, he just left. He couldn't wait five minutes? He's with Emily. It's my fault. She pissed me off, and I scared them away. When is he gonna get rid of that woman? I don't know... maybe if he stops shooting up for a day. It's not gonna happen as long as he's with her. She's a junkie to the bone. Yeah, that girl's a curse. She's been bringing him bad luck for five years now. What's their kid's name? I can't remember. Jay? Jay? Vernon: Jay it is. Jay, yeah. Where is Jay? Jay is in Vancouver with Lee's parents. What the hell are they doing in Vancouver? That's where they're from. They just moved back. What's the point in having kids if you just dump them? [ Door chimes ring ] [ Door closes ] Tell him you got his number from Lewis. Mmm. Cheers. [ Dialing ] Is it working? Lee: No, it's not working. Oh, how come? I don't fucking know. Oh, try... hello. Uh, yes, Lewis gave me your number and... yeah. All right. Uh, yeah. Hold on. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Right, go on. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, got that. I'll be there. Uh, now? Like in 15 minutes? Okay, I'll be there. Bye. I'm just going out for a bit, all right? Yeah, right, see you. You get what you wanted? Yeah. I didn't like the way you spoke to Vernon, you know. You liked the way he spoke to me? No, I didn't, but you know he's right, don't you? Come on, I told you, I'm waiting for dreamworks to get back to me. They don't give a shit at dreamworks. Come on, that little slut Susan, she'll go down on you anytime, anywhere, darling. It's not Susan's decision who gets signed to fucking dreamworks, is it? Whose is it, then? I don't know who makes the decisions. I don't know anyone there anymore. How long ago did you send her those tapes anyway? I said, how long ago? I don't know... maybe like two months. Two months, and you still can't figure out why I had to get Vernon to sort it out. Actually, I don't. If you want me to give it away to some bullshit label, I could anytime, no problem. I think it's pretty bloody obvious now that the problem is the record. It's not the fucking record label. Where's the bottle opener? Look, I'm 42. No one expects anything from me anymore. If I do something now, it's got to be absolutely exceptional or no one's gonna give a fuck. And this record is anything but exceptional. It's just a lazy, shoddy, average piece of shit. And right, I might be off my face half the fucking time, but I know what I'm doing, you know. And I've done better than this. I fucking hope I have. Well, then, do better again. Oh, for God's sake. What I'm saying is simple. Maybe next year, next week, next month, I'll do something better than this, but right now, all I'm worth is just this pathetic, little bunch of songs... you know, absolutely fucking nothing. You think it's my fault? It's my bad influence? You always think just everything is based around you. Did you read that article in q? Oh, forget about it, for fuck's sake. I can't stand this shit anymore. Did you see what they wrote about me? How am I supposed to take that? We've been through this a million bloody times. Would you just do yourself and do me a favor... forget about them for five fucking minutes, right? If you want to talk about drugs, let's talk about drugs. Christ, no. That's all we ever talk about. I was just trying to talk about something else for a fucking change. You're just like Vernon. You think the minute that you get rid of me, everything will be fine, right? You're a fucking pain in the ass, Emily. I'm out of here. I will leave you in peace to make your music to rebuild your career. Do what you fucking like. I couldn't care less. Just leave me in peace. Really do it. [ Indistinct conversation ] [ Indistinct chatter on police radio ] No, no, you can't be in here. Let go. Let go of me! I'm his wife! Let go! I'll need to see some I.D., please, madam. All right. Get back here. Ow! Aah! Stop. Let go of me! You have no right to do this! Ma'am! Let go! Calm down! Let go of me! You're hurting me! You're hurting me! Let go! No! No! No! No! No! [ Sobs ] [ Ambulance doors close ] [ Crying ] [ Siren walls ] Please, ma'am. [ Clears throat ] All right, miss Wang. You admit to knowing about Lee Hauser's drug problem? Yes. Did you supply him with the heroin that he overdosed with? No. The heroin you were carrying at the time of your arrest... where did you get that from? I got it from Lee Hauser. Hmm, and where did he get it from? I don't know. All right, he died at 4:00 A.M. Where were you at that time? I was sleeping in a car by the lake. And did anybody see you there? I don't think so. All right, you admit yourself to being addicted to drugs? Yeah. And for how long have you been using heroin? Several years. How you doing? We're looking for Mr. Hauser. Yeah, he's up on the boat over there. Thanks, guy. [ Sighs ] Would you fellas like some coffee? No, thanks. Are you sure? Yeah, we're fine, thanks. [ Sighs ] [ Door opens ] Albrecht! Show grandpa. Albrecht! Are you okay? What's wrong? Come on, darling. Get your knapsack. I'll call you for afternoon tea. You finish the drawing for grandpa. [ Sobs ] Rosemary. Rosemary, no! No! Rosy! Hi. The hotel clerk's deposition is pretty much in your favor. He said he saw you leave way before Lee died. And you didn't provide the drugs. If you plead guilty for possession, you should get off pretty lightly. Don't expect to go home tomorrow. Are you with me here? Yeah. I'm not feeling too well. I'm on methadone. Hits you pretty hard off the top. Does it get better? Uh, depends on the person. Not for me. What did the lawyer say? Worst case, six months. And, uh, best case? Six months. Oh, and, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I signed a contract for Lee's record. He's obviously more interesting dead than alive. Plus he got a ton of press... way more than I would have expected. He was on the cover of mojo. Thanks for not sending it to me. Well, the general tone with regards to you wasn't particularly flattering. So, I fielded a bunch of offers, and I accepted the most prestigious. Of course, I'm joking. I mean, the most lucrative. It will pay some debts... And your lawyer's fees. Thanks. Don't thank me. I did it for Lee. You won't have to pay for a thing. And in return, I don't want you to ask me for anything ever again. When I walk through this door, I no longer exist. Just tell me this. Were you there when he died? No. Had you been fighting? Yes. Did you buy the stuff? No. Your keys. Go out the doors to your left or right to the right side of the building, spot 5. Thank you. Oh, my God. Here's your salad, sir. Everything over there... vinegar, salt, and pepper. Thank you. Wouldn't you have preferred somewhere more private? I'm really grateful that you came. You didn't have to. I've been taking care of Lee's unfinished business. And it's mostly debts, as you know. I had to sell your apartment in London to pay them off. Of course, I had it emptied. [ Clears throat ] And... The receipt of where I put your things... it's in your name, and the address is right on it. I'm not going back to London... not right now. I'm going to go to Paris. Is that where you lived before you met Lee? Yeah. I've worked things out with barclays, and what was left of your joint account is now in your name, and your credit card is working again. How much is left in the account? Well, it's not much. It's enough to pay your way back, maybe get by for a few weeks, and not much more. If you want... no, thank you. I'm fine. Woman: Hamburger... half fries, half onion is ready. Mmm. I've been trying to work out Lee's contracts with the different record companies... the compilation... but it's like reading algebra. There's still a lot of unpublished stuff, mostly from the late '80s. There's this friend of Lee's. He's been very helpful. This fellow tricky. He's famous. Yes, I've heard. A huge star. I don't know his music, but Lee liked him. He, um... He's been faithful to their friendship. It's very unusual. Since Lee died, he, uh... Oh, God. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to... Are you all right? Yeah. I'm taking methadone. It's a heroin substitute. I'm sure your lawyer told you. The court handed down its decision yesterday. Jay is staying with us. Father dead. Mother in prison. Yeah. No home, no job, nothing. Do you intend to appeal it? No, of course not. I can't take care of him right now. You see the motel sign? It's right there. Thanks for the ride. You know your way back? Well... More or less. More or less? Well, don't get lost. No. Emily, there's something I'd like to ask you. It's a bit delicate. You see, it was difficult to explain his father's death to Jay. I don't know what he thought or what he felt, but he's a well-adjusted boy, but he's sensitive. I'm scared. [ Sighs ] I'd prefer it if, for the next few years, you'd agree not to see him. Rosemary and I have done everything we can to give him some kind of stability... a home, a sense of belonging... and I'm afraid of unsettling him. I understand. Legally, you have the right to see him. But I think you should give him some time. We'll keep in touch. If you have any problems, we'll help. Goodbye. [ Indistinct talking ] ¶ Spider and I sit watching the sky ¶ ¶ on a world without sound ¶ ¶ we knit a web to catch one tiny fly ¶ ¶ for our world without sound ¶ ¶ we sleep in the morning ¶ ¶ we dream of a ship... ¶ bon appétit. Aah! [ Slow music plays ] ¶ She's tender and ¶ ¶ electricity ¶ ¶ but here she comes ¶ ¶ she's shining light ¶ ¶ takes the train back home across the sea ¶ ¶ catch her as she's falling through the floor ¶ ¶ my candy girl ¶ ¶ is coming close to me ¶ ¶ she walks across the room ¶ ¶ and it turns to gray ¶ ¶ she can tell you why it's getting late ¶ ¶ can't expect her eyes to look the same ¶ [ telephone ringing ] [ Rock music plays ] ¶ I'm closing in ¶ ¶ please, let me go and break away ¶ ¶ break away ¶ ¶ how could you not say no? ¶ [ indistinct singing ] ¶ You touch my face and turn around ¶ ¶ your steps confuse, don't you see? ¶ ¶ I'm trying to leave ¶ excuse me, tricky, I have Emily. She's on the phone, and she's on the street outside. What should I tell her? Nothing. Okay. [ Indistinct conversations, telephone ringing ] Would you like tea or coffee? No, thank you. I'm fine. I'm so sorry. I-I thought I was on time. No. You're on time. Come this way. So, are you staying long in London? My wife is sick. She has to have some tests. It depends on the results. Nothing serious, I hope. No, no. Here's the first drafts for the cover graphics for the re-releases. A friend of Lee's did them, Morris Ort. Do you know him? No. He's very talented. He's a painter who's doing extremely well these days. He doesn't normally do this sort of thing anymore, but for Lee, he made an exception. We're thinking of releasing all three albums at the same time, in September of next year. As we agreed, nothing is definite until we get your approval. I think he'd like that. And if it was a friend of his... A friend of Lee's did them. Who? Oh, God, I can't remember. A friend from London, I think. Is that supposed to be Lee? Uh... Yes, it's... it's stylized. I think it's pretty good. Doesn't look like him. No, I think it does. When? When did he look like that? Well, when he was young, when he first left and went to London and we didn't hear from him for a while. I read the liner notes they want to put with the cds. So did I. I didn't think much of them. No. They give a false image of him. [ Chuckling ] Yeah. As if there was nothing but drugs in his life. And misfortune. It's not true at all. No. It's journalists. They have this romantic idea of self-destruction. Lee wasn't self-destructive. Well, he... he did everything to excess. Less than the friends he hung around with back then. They're all complete alcoholics. It's good they're re-releasing his records. Yes, I'm happy about it. In spite of the stupid liner notes. [ Laughs ] I think they would have made him laugh, too. [ Laughing ] Yes. [ Television turns off ] [ Door opens, closes ] I wasn't gone too long? Jay: No. So, what did you get up to? Did you watch cartoons? Yes. What did you do when the cartoon was over? I read. You read? What'd you read? I read M.D. Geist. I thought you read that already. No, I meant the new one. I have to tell you something. We're gonna have to stay in London a bit longer than I thought. Are we gonna stay at the hotel? Yes. Do you remember how I told you that the specialists had to examine grandma Rosemary because she had a very sore back? Yes. Well, they don't know what it is that causes the pain. So, they have to keep doing these tests. So, she's gonna stay in the hospital, and we're gonna stay together. Are we gonna live in the hotel? Yeah. The two of us are gonna stay in the hotel. Is that okay with you? Yes. Now, tomorrow, you'll come with me, and we'll go visit grandma Rosemary at the hospital. Okay. [ Telephone ringing ] [ Slow music playing ] [ Breathing heavily ] [ Indistinct singing ] [ Knocking on door ] [ Dog barking ] [ Dance music playing ] [ Emily sobbing ] Hi. Albrecht: I didn't see you here yesterday. It was my day off. Oh, that's why you were here on Sunday. And I'll be here again next Sunday. Oh, good. Good. I haven't been to see Mrs. Hauser yet. Well, they promised they'd do a scan today. What does the doctor say? I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. Are you sure the scan is today? Albrecht: That's what they told me. That's what they said yesterday and the day before... same thing. Listen, I don't know. All I can do is repeat what they told me. I wasn't complaining. No, I'm sorry. It's me. I'm tense. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. How are you doing with Jay? Oh, fine, fine. It's the first time you've spent any time with him. Yes, even with Lee, I didn't take much of an interest until... until he was already a little grown-up. Oh. Kids intimidate me. Why? Because they understand everything. They read your thoughts. They know what you're gonna say even before you say it. So... What conclusions has Jay come to? Oh, he thinks that I'm shy... A bit awkward... Pretty boring.... Not that smart. But I'm smarter than he thinks. Are you? Yes. He takes coins from my pockets, and he doesn't think I notice. But I do. [ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ] Other than that, he wants to see his grandmother. Let's wait until tomorrow. I spoke to Emily. Who? Your daughter-in-law. She lives in Paris. [ Sighs ] She says she's off the drugs. She's getting a job. I think she's having a hard time. I don't know. I feel sorry for her. Albrecht. Yes? I don't want to talk about her. Of course, of course, but she is Jay's mother, and one day, we're going to have to talk. One day, not now. [ Telephone ringing ] ¶ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ¶ ¶ ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ¶ ¶ I miss the country ¶ ¶ I miss the country ¶ ¶ I miss the country ¶ ¶ I miss the country ¶ ¶ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ¶ ¶ ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ¶ excuse me. Ah, there you are. Now, did you do what I said? Did you set your stopwatch? Oh, yes. Good. How long have we been in the tunnel? 4 minutes, 35. 4 minutes, 35. You're right. What are we going to do in Paris? I've already told you three times. You're gonna see your mother. Do I have to see her, too? Yes. Can't you go by yourself? No. Coffee, please. You didn't tell me I was going to spend the weekend with her. She's your mother. She killed my dad. No, she did not! Yes, she did. Grandma Rosemary told me so. Jay, you know it was an accident. No, it wasn't. He died because he took the drugs she gave him. I have to talk to you. Your grandmother and I are old. We won't always be here. What's gonna happen when we're gone? I haven't finished timing. Stop. She's your mom. She loves you, and you have to get to know her. I don't love her, and she doesn't love me, either. You're alone. Jay didn't want to come. What do you mean? You promised me. No, no, no, no. I didn't promise you anything. I said I'd come to Paris and we'd talk. No, you said I have him all weekend. If he doesn't want to, I can't force him. It's no good for you, either. He doesn't want to see me. He doesn't know you. He hates me. I don't know. He never talks about you. I know, but... [ Voice breaking ] But if you told me earlier, I wouldn't have got my hopes so high. [ Sobbing ] I'm trying to do my best. It's not easy. I know. Me too. We have to stay in London... maybe for a few weeks. Give it some time. I'll talk to him. You can come over and see us. I'm sorry. I can't do this. Let's meet another time. [ Breathing heavily ] Albrecht! Jay is here. He's with me in Paris. He's at a hotel. It's not far from here. His grandmother... She thinks we're in Scotland. She doesn't know he came with me. How is she doing? They're gonna do a little operation next week. After that, it just depends on the tests. But she seems to think that, um... Well, to be honest, I can't even mention your name in front of her. Because she thinks that I'm responsible for what happened to Lee. Yes. That and everything else... his decline. How about you? I believe in forgiveness. People change. If they need to, they change. But I don't want to hurt Rosemary. If she thought I brought Jay over here for one second, it would tear her apart. I called you back because what you wrote in your letter really moved me. But you don't trust me. Does that make any difference? I mean, Emily, I'm old. I won't always be able to look after Jay. Do you mean by yourself? Yeah, that's it. That's exactly it. [ Sighs ] Without Rosemary. So, have you started your new job? Yes, I sell clothes for active women at printemps. It's a department store, but I get the weekends off. Printemps? Somehow, I can't imagine you. It's better than nothing for now. You'll find something you love. You'll find something else. I hope so. Oh, you will. Wait for me. I have to talk to him first. If he doesn't want to, then... No, no, no. Of course. Of course. I am completely in your hands. If you choose to, you can run off with him. You're his mother. You don't risk much. I won't. And you will bring him back by 3:40 train tomorrow afternoon? Yes. I'm sorry, Emily. I need you to give me your word. You have my word. Okay. [ Bell dings ] Hmm. [ Bell dings ] [ Sighs ] Have you been on a scooter before? No. Would you like to try? Mm-hmm. Come on, you'll see. It's really fun. Come. Are you scared? No. Since you didn't say anything, I thought you were scared. I'm not scared. Maybe you're scared of me? No. Your granddad said you were scared of me. No. Well, I'm glad to hear it. Hold on tight. Let's go. ¶ We sleep in the mornings ¶ ¶ we dream of a ship that sails away ¶ come on. Yeah. When I was a kid, I only liked tigers and monkeys. Do you like monkeys? Depends which ones. How about the gorilla? I seen gorillas. Where? In Canada at the Vancouver zoo. Oh, come here, look. Is it nice... the Vancouver zoo? Much better than this one. Oh, come on, look at the zebras. This one's lame. What's it called again? It's the vincennes zoo. That's the name of the town. We're not in Paris? No. In Vancouver, they have grizzly bears, elks, and beavers. Maybe they've got some here, too. We can ask. No, I seen enough of them in Canada. They're everywhere. Once one tried to bite me. One what? A beaver. Are they dangerous? No, they're really dumb. Oh, look, there's a baby. So, what do you want to see now? I want to see a snow leopard with white spots. A snow leopard... that's a very rare animal. I'm gonna ask the guy over there. You wait for me? Okay. Jay? Jay! Jay! Jay! [ Breathing heavily ] [ Ducks quacking ] You think that's funny? No. Me neither. I don't want to spend the weekend with you now. Why not? Because you killed my dad. Is that what you think? I'm not the only one. Who else? Everyone. I didn't kill your dad. You gave him drugs that killed him. That's not true. Then why does everybody say you did? Because they don't know. You're a liar. Come on. Let's just get out of here. It was me who went and bought the drugs that night. He took some. I took some. That's the way it was always between us. What's the difference who bought them? Anything could have happened. It could have been Lee losing me. And you know what? Drugs are more complicated than what most people think they are. Some people need them because they're suffering, because they don't know how to live any other way. Your dad was like that, and me, too. Because you're weak. No, your dad wasn't weak. He did some really great work, but it wasn't easy for him. You have to be very strong to do that. You should be proud of him. Then how come he needed drugs? They gave us some really good times. But afterwards, you always have to pay the price, and it's very high. Look at me. I'm still paying. You're not on drugs anymore? I gave up... mainly for you. Why for me? 'Cause otherwise I knew I'd never see you again. Hi, sniff. That's Jay. Elena's gone out. Here's the box. Thank you. I'll show you upstairs... our room. Yeah. Huh? It's on the left. So, this is the room Elena lends us. She's really nice. You gonna meet her later. You don't have your own room? It was in London. Then why don't you live in London? Too many memories. Memories of my dad? Yes. You don't want to remember him? Yes. But not for now. It's still too painful. How about later? Yeah, maybe later. And how about you? Do you like London? Yes. More than Vancouver? Yes. Albrecht and Rosemary are nice, but they're old and sad. Because your father died. Because Rosemary is going to die. She told you that? Yes. I'm gonna make some hot chocolate. Do you want some? Okay. Look over there. There's some DVDs. Choose and see if there's one that you want to watch. Go on. Over there. [ Beeps ] Gloria: Hey, it's Gloria. Are you there? No? I'm in San Francisco, at the triton hotel on grant street. Remember, I told you about it. Please, please, please, call me back. David put the sessions off 48 hours to give you one last chance to get here. I don't know what else to say. I'll give you the number. Just a minute. It's... [ Beeps ] Can I watch this one? No way. That's not for kids. Jay: Are you going to San Francisco? I don't know. I don't think so. That's where I was born. Yes. What's San Francisco like? It's a beautiful city by the sea. It has a big bridge. You must have seen it in photos, no? If you go, can I come, too? Hey, try one of these. They're really good. Are you sure there's not another film that we can watch? There must be something. Oh, look... "Robbie le renne." Have you seen that? Hey, you hurry up, all right? Okay. I'll wait here. Okay. Emily! [ Chuckles ] What, are you bringing him back already? No, he forgot something. What? His hat. His hat? I thought he had it with him. So, how's it going? Really well. Yeah? Has he adopted you yet? Well... [ Chuckles ] I forgot to take my magazine. Oh, and your hat. But now you have it. Yes. Let's pull it down over your ears. Otherwise, you'll get cold. [ Horns honking ] I've got to talk to your mom, okay? Let's go inside. In you go. What did he get from upstairs? His passport. I thought so. Where's he going? He wants to come to San Francisco with me. I got offered to record some songs there, and it's a chance that's never gonna come back. So, you're giving up? The clothes for active women at printemps, yeah. Good. I'm glad to hear it. [ Sighs ] Thank you. Come on. I think it's brave of you. It's easy to be brave when everything's going well. But when life is more difficult, it's unusual... And special. I'm sure that's what Lee would've advised you to do. I have a deal for you. Do I have a choice? Of course you have a choice. He's your son. You're his mother. Rosemary is not going to live very long. I want him to stay with her so that she can see him now and then. So, you go to San Francisco and then come join us in London afterwards. Is that okay with you? Of course. It's going to be a very difficult time for me... And for Jay. He's gonna need his mother to protect him. And I'll try and help you rebuild a life... Your life... If that's at all possible... for both of you. Okay? Good. [ Indistinct talking ] Chris, stand by. I think she's ready. Go ahead and roll it. [ Acoustic guitar plays ] ¶ I saw her ¶ ¶ coming to me ¶ ¶ you were leaving ¶ ¶ here tonight ¶ ¶ everybody ¶ ¶ is an ocean ¶ ¶ drinking wine ¶ ¶ from the vine ¶ ¶ going home ¶ ¶ with the stars ¶ ¶ up in the sky ¶ ¶ me ¶ ¶ I'm down in the light ¶ ¶ there's a rhythm ¶ ¶ don't you know it? ¶ ¶ right here ¶ ¶ for everything ¶ ¶ there's a lady ¶ ¶ she's a killer ¶ ¶ silver Mountain ¶ ¶ in her eye ¶ ¶ going home ¶ ¶ with the stars ¶ ¶ up in the sky ¶ ¶ me ¶ ¶ I'm down in the light ¶ ¶ me ¶ ¶ I'm down in the light ¶ Emily, maybe we should take a break for a few minutes. [ Music continues playing ] Emily, I really liked it. I think we should just go on and do another song. All right. Okay. That was so great. You're not tired? No, I'm fine. Okay, great. [ Sobbing ] ¶ Here she comes ¶ ¶ she's feeling low ¶ ¶ she took the train ¶ ¶ and she waits a while ¶ ¶ if she walked across a room, you wouldn't know ¶ ¶ she's the kind of girl ¶ ¶ she's falling through your door ¶ ¶ here she comes ¶ ¶ she's night and day ¶ ¶ she can't tell you why ¶ ¶ it's getting late ¶ ¶ early Sunday morning on the train ¶ ¶ catch her as she's falling next to me ¶ ¶ she's tender and ¶ ¶ electricity ¶ ¶ but here she comes ¶ ¶ she's shining light ¶ ¶ takes the train back home across the sea ¶ ¶ catch her as she's falling through the floor ¶ ¶ my candy girl ¶ ¶ is coming close to me ¶ ¶ she walks across the room ¶ ¶ and it turns to gray ¶ ¶ she can tell you why it's getting late ¶ ¶ can't expect her eyes to look the same ¶ Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development. Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster. Buster. Buster. Hey-Hey. Whoa, whoa. Buster! Hey, Brother. I don't think us sleeping together is working out. You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother. - Yeah, I miss Mom. - I can tell. - Hey, good morning. What are you doing? - It's my ethics essay. I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war... whether a preemptive strike is ever justified. Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So... if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it... I don't know why you're not typing? This is all good. I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay. Well, you just passed my ethics test. In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush... on his ethics teacher, a woman named Beth Baerly. Even minor crimes are punishable... by brutally chopping off the offender's hand. Mmm. No ring. - Can't wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night. - Oh yeah. Dad, hey, Dad... - try to remember everything she says about me, all right? - Okay. Michael. I need you to do something about my son. I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home, we flip the mattress... - this never happened. - Not Buster. Read this. Did you and Dad adopt a child? The S.E.C. was onto us. Your father thought it would make us look charitable. He must have forged my signature. Well, maybe I'll get a son who will... finish his cottage cheese! You've got to get me out of this. I'll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back. - Okay. - Great. But I'm not taking care of him either. I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore. Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it? Kind of? - Hello. - Michael. I've got a couple of girls here. A couple of fun girls... - I thought I'd bring you in on. - Oh, I don't know, Gob. Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement. Recently, Gob had discovered that Michael... was interested in his now ex-girlfriend, Marta. I'm offering you an olive branch here. Yeah-Yeah. No. l-I know, and l-I appreciate that. It's just... Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone? - Buster. - What time and where? Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework. - Oh, come on, let's do something. It's just a stupid essay. - No, I can't. I don't want to let down Ms. Baerly. She's nice, you know. - And she's interesting... - And pretty? Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't really say to your dad. Ah. Sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher. Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father... so he could fill the role ofhis mother. There's nothing wrong with that. Although, I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me. - You're my aunt. - That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role. But until then, I'll be right across the hall. Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life. Yikes. - Meanwhile, Gob was waiting for Michael to show up. - Oh, there he is. Michael. - Yes. This is Shannon, the girl I've been telling you all about. Yes. Girl, indeed... young girl. - That's a young, young, young, girl. - Yeah, well, she's 18. So, it's like... Oh, and this is... - your date, Nazh... - galia. - Hello, my God! - Well, Shannon wouldn't go out without a chaperone... - Right. - and so she's your date. It was clear that Gob wasn't offering an olive branch at all... and, in fact, was still harboring some resentment over Marta. Oh... "Nagarma," you've got a mustache. - Hey! - I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. - Oh. - I mean, you've got a milk mustache. - Yeah. It's adorable. You look like one of those "Got Milk" models. But Gob mistook Michael's basic human decency for romantic interest... and felt a competitive urge to step in. Because, you know, it's beyond adorable... and e-exotic. - I find you very attractive. - Really? And George Sr. was about to get a surprise visitor. Mr. Bluth? I'm Cindi Lightballoon. I've studied all your teachings, and I've purchased every tape. And I watch 'em over and over. George Sr. had recently marketed a line of self-help tapes... touting his newly discovered spirituality. I've also lost four pounds on your low-carb Bluth Banana Jail Bars. I've come to learn at your feet. That's a good place to start. And Michael, free ofhis double date, met Lindsay at Parent-Teacher Night. Hey, Linds, is it my imagination... or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen? Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did. No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets. Yeah. Well, I think she's perfect for you. - For me? Really? - Mm-hmm. Thanks, but no. I've already been set up once today by a sibling... and I don't think you people know my type. Hey, look. It's not coming from me. It's-It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother. Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept. Besides, I'm not gonna rush out and marry somebody just because you think my son would like it. Welcome. I'm Ms. Baerly, the ethics teacher. My goal is to teach your children about the preciousness oflife... that can be lost by the mindless pulling of a trigger. Mmm. No ring. And so Michael got to know his son's ethics teacher. Ethics... right and wrong. How can one thing can be right and another one be wrong? I mean, which is which, you know? I guess that's the "Rrrr" of it. You know, so frustrating. I don't know. I mean, they just threw this class at me after Mr. Daniels had a stroke. I had him, Mr. Daniels. How is he? - Oh, he, you know, had a stroke. - Oh. - Thought you were joking. - No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing. - Right. No. Yeah. Gosh. Hmm. - Yeah. - "Rrrr!" - "Rrrr!" - But, you know, l-l... I really am antiwar and antiviolence. - Uh-huh. - And I think I'm an ethical person. - Right. Here's an ethical question. Can-Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink? Or... I don't know. Uh, do you have a wife? - Yeah. But she's dead. - Oh. Have you ever been married? Yeah, she died. Ohh. God, why are we laughing? I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing... all over again. - Let's go get that drink. - Yeah, it could only help. - Rrrr! - Rrr! George Sr. was dealing with his own admirer. Oh, I've already told you so many of my sins. Maybe you could tell me some of yours. Uh, well, there are legal implications to that. But, uh, back to your sins. Uh, do that one about the, uh... ladies' shower... in your college dorm again. And Michael was on his way to what would be his second date... with Ms. Baerly. Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him. At least, I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell. Yeah, Mom. I just spoke to Social Services... and although they don't like to do this... if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child... and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word... - they will take him back. - Ha, ha, ha. Uh, don't get too comfortable. Shoes on, mister! Shoes on! He's out of control. Hold on. I'm back. Who's that? This is "Annyong," who your father and I have adopted. What, I'm gone for a couple days and you find a new son? Lucille could see that her son was concerned, even jealous. And she knew how it felt to be overlooked. Yes. Annyong is your brother now. Yes, Annyong. Excuse me. Oh, Michael? Call it off. I'm keeping him. - Look, I gotta call you back. - Sweet ride. Are you making dinner reservations? No, no. That was my Mom. She just had... - a "little Korean" dropped off. - Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that. - Hello. - And after their date... Michael took a step he hadn't taken in years. Okay, do you think this is a good idea? I think it's a great idea. Mmm. Such a good idea. But how are we going to sneak in without waking everyone up? We'll take the stairs. This may not have been my best idea. I'm sorry, Michael. I'm sorry too, Michael, but it looks like we're even. You took something I liked. I took something you liked. Yeah. I... ... "Nashbagerlajam." Listen, I know that you've been trying to get even with me about Marta. But got bad news for ya. I'm seeing somebody else. Who? Who? just out of curiosity... I'm not gonna try to sleep with her. - Forget it. I thought that this was behind us. - It is behind us. - Great. - When I sleep with her. 'Cause I'm gonna sleep with her. Yeah. I was lying when I said I wasn't gonna to sleep with her, so... - She'd have to agree to it. - I don't anticipate a problem with that. - No? - No. 'Cause I've seen some of the dogs you like. - Right. - I just slept with one. - Again, didn't like Nazhgalia. - Really. - Really, and good luck getting rid of her. - Oh, please. Not a problem. She knows it was a one-time thing. Totally cool. - Oh, so romantic. - Who's "N. Bahn-Ahden?" Hello. Hey, George Michael. I wanted to talk to you about something before, but I didn't know if it was real. But now, uh... your ethics teacher... - Yeah, I just made this for her. - Oh. She loves Saddam Hussein. I'm sure she doesn't love Saddam. I'm sure she is interested in him... as a subject, you know. - Right. That's what I meant. - Great. You know, I just wanted to make her something special to show that I care. - About the class? - No. I mean, about her. - Oh! - I kind of love her. You mean, you love her like... like she loves Saddam. - Right? - No, no. I mean, like, love her love her. Oh. - Oh. - Oh, hi! Hi, George Michael. I was just... looking at this model home. I'm gonna go home and think about it. I'm gonna go home, think about it. Dad, what was she doing here? I mean, sh... she wasn't... Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth. Yes. Your Uncle Gob slept with her. Well, why would he do that? Why would Gob sleep with my ethics teacher? - Probably to get even with me. - How would that be getting even with you? - I'm the one that likes her. - Right. Right. No, I know. You and I know that, but Gob he just... He's not that exact of a target shooter, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere. You know, but listen, did-did you really think that-that... that you had a... I mean, she's kinda old for you, don't you think? We don't even know how old she is. No one does. She was chaperoning the diversity dance... and I thought maybe as a joke, I'd go up to her and be, like... "Well, hey, do you want to dance?" And she'd be, like, "Ah, what the heck?" Right? Or some... I don't know. - I did it differently in the mirror, but... - Right. - But, you know, like, we'd be joke dancing or something. - I get it. - I didn't think it through. - Don't you think you should be taking somebody your own age? Like your cousin. - That's a bad example, but... - I feel so stupid. I defaced a rare book to get that picture of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit. - "What would Saddam do?" - Yeah. Yeah, you know something? You're right. Gob's gonna pay. Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit. At prison, George Sr. was preparing for an evening with his most devoted fan. While Cindi Lightballoon was making preparations ofher own. - How we doin'? - We have video. - Testing one, two. - Tilt back a little, will you, Harris? Let's bust this guy. So George Michael, still angry at Gob... sought out the family expert on making trouble. - I know he was dating that girl Shannon. - The cheerleader? Yeah, she's probably gonna take him to that stupid diversity dance. I wish I had someone shocking to take. You know, I actually called Mr. Daniels and asked him... but he got all out of breath and dropped the phone. - I never heard back. - You know, may-maybe we should go together. Right, I mean, it's a bad example... I... But should we? Hello. Yes, Annyong. Your name's Annyong. We all know you're Annyong. Annyong. Annyong. Annyong. - Who's this? - Oh, I'm sorry. This is Annyong. My mom bought him. She's making me register him for school. - He's my new little brother. - So we're related. - Hey, wanna go to a dance? - Oh, great, another uncle to compete with. And Michael went to discuss the George Michael situation with Ms. Baerly. Being held against their will... purely on the basis of political or religious beliefs. I'm sorry. I met someone. I'm sorry. Anyway, this is serious. This is atrocities. No more smiling. Michael! Uh, just a minute. - Hi. Sorry... - Hi! Don't worry. George Michael's not in there. Those are the dumb kids. Okay. Um, listen. - This is uh... - Wow! Did you make this for me? This is so sweet. I love Hussein. - You mean, you're interested in him. - Oh, yes. He is a monster. - Yeah. - Wow. Where did you find this one of him in a Speedo? This is what I want to talk to you about, though. Um, Beth... I don't think that I can continue to see you. But I've enjoyed my time with you. - You ever wanna talk ethics... - You really mean it? This isn't one of"my wife died"jokes? - No, I'm afraid this is serious. - Oh. You see, George Michael made this poster for you. You know, he-he kind of, uh, is in love with you, so... - He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning. - No, I covered that. I told him that you slept with my brother. That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard. Well, you've only been doing this half a semester. Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you. - Well, I want you to leave right now and not come back. - Right. I know. I understand. I'm sorry. And you will not see me again. Starting right now. George Sr. went on a walk with Cindi. - George. - And she was getting to him. - You can feel safe to fully reveal yourself to me. Hmm, all right. There is... - There is something. - Come closer. It's weighing heavy on my soul. You, uh... You know, the Talmud teaches us to... There you go. - What's he doing? - He's pinching the camera. He's on to us. He's found the camera. - Get out of there. He's got the camera. Abort! Abort! - Get the dog. Clean the dog. We are cleaning the dog! That night, Buster came home to an empty apartment. So, it's off with Mother now. In fact, Lucille was just giving Annyong and Maeby a ride. You're trying to steal from the wrong man. Watch your back, my little immigrant friend! And the spring diversity dance was in full swing. - Whoa, sorry. Students only. - Oh. So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose... your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw. Thanks. You wanna dance? - Yeah! - All right! Steve Holt! And Gob sought out Shannon... - Shannon! who had found out he had cheated on her with Nazhgalia. Shannon, where are you? Shannon! Oh, hey, Lisa. Shannon! Excuse me. Look, I blew it, okay? But I bought a yearbook ad from you. Doesn't that mean anything anymore? Beth! Hey, hi. Listen... Um, I blew it okay? I had to see you. l-I've been giving this a lot of thought, and-and... - I have to do the right thing. - You're gonna tell George Michael the truth? Oh, that's... that's your definition of the right thing. I thought I was gonna make a dramatic entrance and tell you that I wanted to see you. Okay. Uh, I'll get right on that. George Michael! Where are you? George Michael! - Uncle Gob? - George Michael. - What are you doing at a high school dance? - I'm looking for you. - How could you do this to me? - Do what? - I'm just here with my girl. - Yeah, my ethics teacher. - Hey, George Michael. - No, Dad. I'm taking care of something, okay? - All right. - You slept with my ethics teacher. Just hang on a second. - It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha... - It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha... - I've been dating your ethics teacher. - Wow, Michael. I'm really touched that you'd stick up for me after I've been so horrible to you. - Huh? - You know what? Now it's time for me to do the right thing. I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry. - What are you talking about? - Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this... but... I... Mrs. Whitehead. In fact, Gob mistook the civics teacher... for the ethics teacher Michael was dating. Man, he... has a type. Gob, Mrs. Whitehead was the civics teacher. - We both had her. - Yes, we have. And now we're even. - What a pig. - Tell me about it. No, you! You're the pig! - Two strikes. You are out. - Listen. Shannon, please. It was a onetime thing. I'm not gonna hear from her again! Ach! Who is Edna W? Hello? - What's going on here, Dad? - Well, it-it-it was me, okay? l-I've been seeing Ms. Baerly, and I should never have brought Gob into it. But that day you told me you liked her, I didn't know what else to do. - I never wanted to hurt you. - Didn't Aunt Lindsay tell you I liked her? Yeah. But she said that you wanted her as a mother, and I said that was ridiculous... but then I met her and kind of fell for her... and thought that she would kind of make a great mother. Is that true? I didn't know you were that serious. Well, you know, I'm open to it. We're open to it. Wow! - No, no, no, no. - I'm just saying someday, you know. - I'm not really into kids. - I'm just... I'm not trying to rush anything. Hey! The lady said no, man. Look, Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for. I mean we had some laughs about some very sad things, but... I don't think we have a future. - And, Jeremy, I will take that cupcake. - Ohh. Okay, um... - Hey, uh, you wanna dance? - Sure, why not? I can't believe that would have worked. On the next Arrested Development. Buster's competition heats up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We are not allowed to have candles in here. - Mom would freak. - Oh, no, it's fine. This is America, baby. You pray how you want. I'll light a candle of my own. That's exactly what I'll do. Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything... and the one son who had no choice... but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development. [Man Narrating] Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother's girlfriend, Marta... a Spanish-language soap opera star. But when he found out she was interested in a man named Hermano, he confronted her. Unfortunately, he discovered too late... that "hermano" in Spanish meant "brother," and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself. This was distracting Michael the next day when he went to meet his father's attorney at prison. Look, there is nothing to it. It's an arraignment. They announce the charges. However, it would help if you all showed up... looking like a loving, supportive family. - For how long? - Ten minutes, tops. See if you can get it down to five. You know, maybe I should confess these crimes, save everybody the trouble. Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home, guilty or somehow found not guilty. - [Phone Ringing] - Hello? What the hell is going on? I'm waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy. Yeah, I checked it out. I do not think that she's cheating. - { Gob] I'm going over to Marta's. - No, no, no. Don't do that, okay? just lay low, be cool and I'll talk to her again. - That way you won't look so desperate, you know? - You're a good guy, mon frère. That means "brother" in French. I don't know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish. [Narrator] So Michael went to speak with Marta... about the misunderstanding from the night before. - I owe you an apology. - No, I owe you an apology. I'm so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother. Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him. You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met. - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter. We live by a code, you and I... to honor family. Yes. That's one of the things that attracted me to you... your sense of right and wrong. I also like your hair and your face and your breasts. - You're so unlike your brother. - Oh, thank you. - Gob is like the cock of the walk. But not you. - You are so kind. - You're sensitive, like a woman. - That's enough. We do have to do the right thing. - And being together is the wrong thing. - Very, very... wrong. ? { Gob Singing] - Is that Gob? - He likes to make love to this. - I'm gonna turn this off. - Please. Oh! - Gob's wand. - Oh, this... this is so wrong. - Yes. - No, no, no. Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong. - You know, regular wrong. I gotta tell Gob. - No, I have to tell him. Yes, but you speak a little slowly, and I really want to get this thing moving along. So, listen, you do the noble thing, and you tell him that you've met somebody else. I'm gonna do the noble thing and tell him that it's me. While I'm doing my noble thing you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand... and we can do the wrong thing the right way. [Narrator] And Maeby was getting tired ofher parents'constant fighting. [Lindsay] I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it. [Tobias] Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.! That's my point, you handsome cowboy, you. Oh, great. And now you're mocking me, you selfish, country-music-loving lady. Hello, Maeby. Nice cover. Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief? [Narrator] The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms... and Tobias had dropped an intriguing bit of information. And then, of course, we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal. - What do you mean, you couldn't conceive? Was Maeby adopted? - [Phone Ringing] Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know? - [Narrator] George Michael never got an answer. - It's Carl Weathers. So he set about doing some investigating on his own. - Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant? - Don't talk to me about my mom. She's crazy. Both of them are. - Sometimes I wish we weren't even related. - Hey, you know, maybe we're not. Because, I mean, when you think about it, we don't even really look like each other. No, I was talking about my parents. God, what's wrong with this family? Maybe we're not a family. And maybe that's very, very right. We... Uncle Gob. Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant? - Oh, yeah. Dozens of times. Hey, is your dad around, or... - [Door Shuts] - Hey, Gob. Marta call? - She sure has... four times, but I didn't take the calls. Oh, no? Why not? - Because of you. You said to lay low. And it's working. - Great. Tell you what, you may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. - I'll give you that. - { Chuckles] No! Listen, Gob, you can't just ignore her. Maybe you should talk to her. She is your girlfriend. Exactly. And I want to keep it that way. For all I know, she's calling to break up with me. I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen. And it's all because of you, fratello. That's Italian for brother. Now all I gotta do is find this Hermano guy. - I'm gonna kill him. - [Buster] Hey, Brother. - [Michael] Hey, Busty. - Hey, Brother. - Hey, Buster. - Gob, there's no need for violence. There never is. I'd like to think that we're all intelligent, mature... adults that can settle their differences... whenever they might come to light, through words. Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking. Not this one, 'cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff. - But this one, I let it speak for both of them. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. That's what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight. - I think that was about being attacked by bears. - Yeah, I know. Hey, rich kid. Gimme your lunch money. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today. - You'd be a much bigger ball. - There is so much in life that I have not experienced. And now that I'm away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live. I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account. { Laughs] I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in. - [Phone Rings] - Michael, don't get that! That could be Marta! - What? Oop! Too late. Hello? - { Beeps] - Michael? - Oh, hi, Mom. - { Buster] I'm not here. - Is that Buster? Tell him I'm fine without him. Why haven't you called me back? I'm worried about your father's hearing. Mom, listen, it's gonna be fine. I'm on it, okay? I'm taking care of it. - I'll be there first thing Friday morning. - It's tomorrow at 4:30. - Oh. I should write that down. - Where is your head, Michael? Everything's gonna be fine. They just read the charges... and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes. - Ten minutes. - We couldn't get that down, huh? [Narrator] George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias. - This was just faxed to you. - Oh, great! The rewrite. Let's see if they've beefed up my part. I got three lines! So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that conversation we were having the other night... about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh... I was just wondering if you could finish that thought. Yes, okay. Uh, well, have a seat. Uh... Um... When a man... needs to prove to a woman that he's actually... When a man loves a woman... and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her... something very, very special happens. And, uh, with deep, deep concentration... - and-and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec... - I'm sorry. I'm gonna stop you. I know where you're running. l-I didn't mean babies in general. Oh, well, that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross. - Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - This isn't right. - I know. You're right. - I'm sorry. - No, no. It says it's a shower scene. I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene. It has nudity. [Narrator] Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like. I don't do nudity. It says that right on my résumé. Okay? What... What do you think I wear these for? I was never actually clear on that. So, you're, uh... you're not with Marta anymore? Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and then I spring it on her. I know you've been cheating on me, and you just cost yourself one fine man... - and one fine CD of him singing "Love is in the Air." - Well, I would never, uh... do this while you were still going out, but, uh... if you're done with her, I'd sure like a crack at her. { Chuckling] Right, right. That sounds great. Go for it, buddy. But you know that she's kind of used to being with me, right? So, it'd be sort of like going from prime rib to... I don't know... weird brother of prime rib. - Do you even know her? - I met her. I fell for her. I've been watching her program, El Amor Prohibido... The Love That Is Forbidden. She is the love that's forbidden. The love of my hermano. Wait a second. What? You know Hermano? "Hermano" is brother in Spanish. As in, "Hey, hermano." - Huh. - Brother? - Hermano means brother? - Yeah. Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked. Well, this is what I said I wanted. So, all right. Let's get it over with. Huh! { Clears Throat] Uh, so, are you gonna hit me? No, I'm not gonna hit you. You're not the brother Marta's cheating on me with. - Oh. Oh, who is? - How the hell should I know, Buster? You know, there is a guy who plays her older brother on her show. I think his name is Tio. Tio. Well, sounds like someone who you think's name is Tio... is about to get his ass kicked. Thanks for the tip, Buster. All right, Mom. I'll be sure to tell Buster. Right. Bye. Mom wanted me to tell you... that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead... she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater. - Damn! I hate the blue sweater. - She said it would look nice with the gray pants. - Damn it! She's right! - Where's Gob? - I think he's heading down to the set of Marta's soap opera. - What? Get this: She may be cheating on him with the guy who plays her brother. I mean, I still like her, but we're gonna have to deal with this. - I gotta go stop him. - And I've got a blue sweater to steam. - Good luck. - Thanks. [Narrator] Gob raced to confront Tio, with Michael in hot pursuit. George Michael, having failed to get the information he needed from anyone else... made the ultimate sacrifice and went to the keeper of the family secrets. - So, uh, it's about Maeby. - Oh! That's a lost cause. - But you get what you pay for, huh? - Yeah. - Wait. What-What do you mean, "pay"? - Fertility tests, lab fees... donors and implants. She's not real. She was made in a cup. Like soup... a hundred and thirty thousand dollar cup of soup. How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone? All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den. So are you saying we're not directly related? I'm saying she already spent her inheritance getting here. [Narrator] Gob, meanwhile, had finally shown up at the El Amor Prohibido set. { Speaking Spanish] Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio. - ? Cómo? - Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right. [Narrator] Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio... had also starred in a Mexican film about the life of Oscar De La Hoya. - { Michael] Gob. Hey, hey. - { Gasps] - You all right? - Where am I? Am I in... two-thirds of a hospital room? Yeah, listen, um... { Sighs] It's me. I'm the guy that she likes. "Hermano" is brother. Me. - Well, if I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have minded. - You wouldn't? Michael, you're a great guy. If you liked her, I would have said, "Go for it." I do kind of like her. Go for it. Hi. My brother said we can do it. That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but... ? { Love Song] - Everything is finally perfect. - [Phone Ringing] Oh, wait. You jinxed it. Don't worry. I'll turn it off. Mm. It's just my mother. She's probably worried about my Dad's... hearing. Oh. With my Dad, it is the vision. [Narrator] Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part. - It plays naked, okay? - Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime. I understand you not wanting to do it on film... - but you can't even get undressed in front of me. - It is not you, Lindsay. I can't get undressed alone. I can't get undressed by myself. I mean, this is a real affliction. I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states. But I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament. They're called "nein wohlstandig" nude. But they're German, so... They speak German, so they have a different... Yeah, well, it's not normal, and ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Please, please don't make fun. I'm not making fun. Look, how 'bout we do this together? You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket. You know, this family can be pretty screwed up sometimes. But the good news is... Actually, I used to think that, too, but it's better than the alternative. Well, have you explored all the alternatives? 'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is... No, but I'm glad I have this family, you know? 'Cause I know I said some bad stuff, but it's much better here than it was in Boston. And I have a cousin here. So even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right? [Narrator] George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him... he didn't want to take Maeby's family away from her. - Yeah, you got us all right. - Now all I need is a boyfriend. [Narrator] Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse. just you and me, huh? God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family? [Narrator] And George Sr. was led into the courtroom. - Where the hell is everybody? - I'm here, Dad. I can't believe no one showed up. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free. - Look, you're my husband, and you belong back at home with me. - Wow. - You really love me. - Call it what you want. I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish. [Barry] I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late. [Pants] I had another hearing. Here's the good news: I think I'm gonna get off, huh? I have a good lawyer. { Smacks Kiss] You look great in red. Okay. "Anyhoo," what are we doing here? What's the plan? The plan? You're our lawyer. It's a figure of speech. You're gonna be fine. Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang. These guys? Oh, I've got them for the afternoon. Besides, they're the only thing I have left to live for in this world. Oh, stop being so dramatic. You know where I live. I wasn't talking about you, Mom. I was talking about Marta. Excuse me. You were serious? 'Cause I got news for you, pal. Marta's been interested in Michael. That's right... dull, nothing-going-on-upstairs... - Michael. - Yeah, I know. - I saw them making out at her front door. - What? When? just now. Huh! The stuff I've got to work out with Marta just keeps piling up. - Unbelievable. - All rise. This court is now in session, the Honorable Lionel Ping presiding. - Oh! We've got Ping. - I want to remind you... that there are no cameras allowed in my courtroom. Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering... fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft... - { Barry] Wow. l-I did not get that page. - resisting arrest... - Michael. - resisting arrest at the scene. - How dare you! - Now, come on. You said it was okay. And nothing happened! - Oh, did I? - Take it easy. - [Gavel Raps] - [Judge Ping] Order.! - Is that my belt? - Well, so what? Get your hands off me.! - What is your problem? { Overlapping Shouts, Chatter] { Lucille] What are you doing? What's the matter with you? Get off him! George! [Narrator] George Sr., having never heard his charges... listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity. Michael and Gob continued their fight onto the courthouse steps. { Lucille] Stop it before someone gets hit in the face! Buster realized this was his opportunity to fulfill a longtime fantasy. - { Growling] - Oh, for God's sake! Barry! [Narrator] Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client... - and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence. - and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence. They'll never catch me! Oh, good. We better get you back in your cell. It's gettin' kind of crazy out there. [Narrator] Back at the model home, things were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well. - [Tobias] I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. - [Lindsay] For me, Tobias. That too. - You did it. - Now what? - Now this. - [Narrator] And for the first time in years... Lindsay and Tobias became intimate. The brothers'fight, meanwhile, continued into the park... with Buster still hoping to take a punch. - { Gob] I'll kill you! - { Buster] Oh, God! - Go, go, go, go! - [Narrator] Lucille had decided that perhaps... she was better off without any of them. - Me! Me, me, me! - Buster, get out of the way! { Buster] Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! - Please.! Hit me in the face.! - No! Buster! - Aah! Buster! - [Narrator] While Marta... who'd been told the hearing would last 10 minutes, got tired of waiting. Hey! Hey! - Marta. - Marta. What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble. I thought you cared about family, but you clearly don't. l-It's over. Both of you. It's over. Wait, wait. What about, what about me? I'm sorry. I'm not totally sure who you are. Wow! Wow. That's what it feels like to get punched in the face. - Can you believe that? - Yeah, lecturing us about family. I mean, who needs that? And what are we doing? Hey, we're brothers. - That's gotta count for something. - That counts for everything. - I'm not gonna throw it away over some woman. - Heh! Especially not my woman. - Hmm? - But you're right, you're right. I mean, this is what's real. - This is what lasts. Everything else is just petty. - Yeah, totally beneath us. - Yeah. - And by the way, I don't know how you call her your woman... when she clearly prefers me, and she was all prepared to be my girlfriend... - calling me her boyfriend... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey! - Hang on one second. - This is all moot, because she never got a chance to know me. Now, will someone please have the decency to punch me in the face? Aah! - Well, it's effective. - Yeah, it really is. On the next Arrested Development. - Tobias quietly overcompensates. - { Yawning] Please tell me there's some coffee left. { Groans] Give me some. I slept very well last night. Just try to write down everything you remember from the night of the accident, before and after. That's what the lawyer says he needs. I know. I'm just not finished yet, but I'll do it. I--I found all the medical bills and the rehab report. I could deal with this, Helen, cancel my afternoon appointments. We're doing this together. I'm not letting you take it all on yourself. Oh, I found this. That's a card that Andy sent to Kevin apologizing. Do we get another one because he's suing us now? Can I see it? How long have you been there? I don't think you ever showed me this. I thought... I had. I haven't seen these, either. Why should you? ! ? Why should any of us have to look at all of this again? ! Joan, I already claimed the last pop tart. Not unless you put your name on it, Freakazoid! Look: "L-U-K-E". Clearly displayed in red permanent marker. Great. Now what am i supposed to eat? Can we please just have one civilized morning in this house? ! Do we want to know why you're-- No ! No! No! So, have you and Adam made up? Yeah. Because you, like, totally humiliated him at the party. Yes, I know, and we talked about it, and I apologized. And he's ok? Because you took quite the emotional dump on him at that party. Ok Grace. I get the point-- just stay away from parties from now on. My dad found out that Judith ended up in the hospital. Now he thinks I'm being tainted by the heathen Shiksa. She just felt out of place and sort of anxious, so she acted out a little. Getting your nose pierced is acting out a little. Almost dying in a puddle of your own vomit is a little darker than that. But what do I know? Hey, you guys! She's just trying to find her way. She needs friends. Looks like she made some new ones. I'll catch you later. I'm gonna go run with scissors. Hey, what are you doing here? This is, like, the super-loser hangout. Hey, it's the only smoking section. Mm. So, tonight. Perfect girls' night out-- go to the mall, sneak into all the crap movies for free. Judith, we're supposed to study for physics. Oh, what's physics compared to Catherine Zeta-Jones 25 pounds overweight from the baby? Hey, come on. We're goin' for big gulps. You want a big gulp? 'Cause we're goin' for 'em. Totally. You comin'? . Wait, wait, wait. Judith, we have class. You've skipped, like, 3 days already. You want to get booted out of another school? Hey, I was in the hospital, remember? That's an excuse that should work for a few more days. Come on. Everyone's been asking about you. Is that why Grace took off like the roadrunner? Don't be so sad, Joaneth. I'm fine. Take notes for me, ok? Hey, girlie. Can you give me a hand with this? Uh, no offence, but isn't that kind of a random place to be planting a tree Does seem out of place, doesn't it? Sorta like you've been feeling. Here we go again. Sometimes when you're lost, it's an opportunity to cultivate a new place for yourself. And this is supposed to inspire me-- the Charlie Brown Christmas tree of metaphors? You want me to take care of this? Remember when you used to tell me to go try out for the cheerleaders? What happened to that? If it's an assignment you want, you better get to physics. You're late. Whose fault is that? ! All I have to do is write my account of that night, but I can't seem to do it. Mm. I hear you. I was wondering if you had any thoughts, anything that could help me get through this. Nope. I don't think so. You're a nun. Former nun, and I never went in for the platitudes. I mean, I could tell you to surf. That's what I do when I get all knotted up. I don't surf Hmm, bummer. Because when you're out there, things make sense. You see a wave coming toward you, one you know that could kill you, but if you hit it right, it supports you. It saves you. So you're saying the letter's like a wave, and if I ride it right-- Platitude. Platitude. I just thought I was done with all this. Look, I wish I had a way to make things easier for you, but the struggle is kinda the whole point, isn't it? That and the faith that it will somehow be worth it. Yeah. And trying to quit smoking. Or trying to meet a guy who doesn't mind a woman who smokes... and was a nun. I'll keep my eyes open. Yeah, that'd be good. ...The mere act of measuring the position of a particle, changes its momentum Which, in turn, demonstrates the indeterminate nature of photons. Ms. Girardi. Sorry I'm late. I had A...thing. And I, in turn, was marking a late "thing" in my book. Coincidence ? Or one event determined by separate indeterminate actions? Hmm? Am I supposed to know what she said? I wasn't listening. I was looking at you. Hey. Where's my Judith ? Friedman, the kiss meant nothing. She was drunk. You sweet, naive child. Ok, grasshoppers, Before we delve into the deepest mysteries of quantum physics, I want to investigate the concept of indeterminacy on our own turf, as it were. Who has a working def of indeterminacy for me? Lukey G ? Indeterminacy states that the change of a particle, "x," is unknown until the outcome is observed over a certain period of time, "T." Show-off. Show-off. So... fire your neurons and think of something indeterminate in your own environment, "x," and record changes to "x" over a certain period of time, "T." Ideas ? Mix master Friedman. "Will I ever get laid?" Compare the recent discoveries of the mars rover with our current assumptions of the earth's environment? That and "will I ever get laid?" Ok. Yes. Now, how about an assignment that deals with your own environment? Alternate Girardi. How are you going to handle the assignment? Huh? Assignment? Uh, well--well, we could... we could plant a garden... in the rankest part of the school, and then, um... try to determine whether or not... it--it could be a garden. Interesting. Clarify your premise, and you might have something. Next ? What did I just say? You think she's gonna wake up and say she forgives you? Excuse me? Arcadia's finest, right? Oh, the blood is on your hands. You're just gonna have to live with it. We're sorry for your loss. Oh, don't insult me or the memory of my aunt. You used her. She came to us because she saw an innocent boy gunned down. She wanted us to catch the men who did it, and, thanks to her, we did. Oh, and then you made sure that her house went up in flames right after, didn't you? We offered her protection. She wouldn't take it. You're the ones that she's afraid of, like all of us are. No one's gonna do anything to you. No? Oh, what if I started talking about the Gang Bangers that you shield and all the drugs that you bastards steal? Oh, you be ok with that, huh? I, uh, think we should leave. We're very sorry. We didn't mean to upset you. You are all gonna lose that summer flab. Faster! Spine straight. Chest forward. Yeah, that'll happen. So we're all on board for the project? I'm gonna do a paper. No insecticide. We're a study group. We do things together. So why did you have to pick starting a farm? A garden, and I didn't pick it. Miss Lischak gave us an assignment. Look, it'll be fun. Judith will help. Right. Jane, she hasn't showed up for class in days. She's still not feeling good Put on the brakes and run in place! Knees high! Higher! I say we go with the mars rover idea. I'll scope out the NASA web page-- actually, I think I'm gonna pass on this one. If you're concerned that working with me will be awkward, I can assure you I've moved on and on...and on. It's not that. It's just, uh, you know, Grace wanted some help on a project. I don't need your help, pencil neck. Never will And another lap. ow about we meet tonight? I'll get Judith to come. I have work. How about right after school? I have work. How about we just do a paper, like Grace said? No ! We have to cultivate something because-- please ? I'll never ask for another thing as long as I live. I know that's a lie, but please? Ok, ok , ok. Drop to the floor! 20 sit-ups. Grab your partner's ankles. Grab, Mr. Girardi. Look, I just thought we could work on the assignment together. I mean, we did it last year, and, uh, it wasn't a problem. Are you fondling my ankles? Yes... I am. Look, if you can't handle the terms, the terms which you agreed to, then maybe you can't handle me. Polk, resume the position. Polk ! Your citizenship grade is taking a nosedive. You know, Federico said he'd cover my shift so we can work on the project all night. Really. Yeah. Thank you. Perhaps you'd like me to dim the lights. I'm sorry. I was just...happy. Oh. And here I thought you were working. I was--am. I-- gardening for dummies. Manic for mulch. Both very good. Proust is very good. Try not to mate during business hours, Miss Girardi. You know... it's been weird being back. It's like we had this groove before, and then it was gone, but working on this project together, I feel it again, don't you? Yeah. What project ? Hey. Did you really skip the whole day? Danny got his parents' convertible. We went for a drive. Danny's been in the tenth grade for 3 years. He was kind of a moron. Well, thank god you are back. If you get kicked out of school again-- not gonna happen. So what's the project ? Oh. Lischak gave this really crazy assignment. You have to try to determine something indeterminate-- you don't really determine. Ultimately, it has something to do with subatomic particles. But it has to be in your own environment. Yeah. I think I'm glad I went for the big gulp. Well, um, anyway, we're--we're planting a garden out by the bleachers to determine whether or not it will survive, and you'll be working with us. I'm not working on some fifth grade science garden. No. It's a good project, though. Lischak even said so. And we're all sharing the grade. Why don't you let me worry about my own grade, mom. She was just trying to help. I'm not some pity case. Fine. Fail physics. Adam... look, why do you let her treat you like this? Like what ? How am I treating her? Maybe you should just stay out of it. Sure. Happy to. Adam, wait... Nervous someone else is treading on your territory? Shut up. Both of you, stop! I'm just gonna work on my own thing, ok? See you later. Adam. Adam ! So how about the mall? I can't. I gotta work. You think you'll survive out here all alone. You're pathetic. You're me. It needs water, and you should turn the soil. Why don't you, if you're so concerned, Foghead? It's your assignment, Joan. You asked for it. This is a new look for you. Yeah. I mean, the jeans are really comfy. Look, I thought I'd have some help here. Yeah, I know where you're coming from. It's like, uh, everybody has something better to do until they're on a plane, and then they're all over me That means something, right? Totally. It means you should pick up that rake and that hoe and start turning this dirt. Oh. You're leaving me, too? That's a fine way to run a universe. Oh ! I--I'd stay away. I'm kinda caked with fertilizer, and we all know what that's made of. I don't care. Uh, you missed lunch, so I got you a sandwich. Thank you. I'm sorry, Jane. I know you and Judith are friends, and I don't want to fight with her, but... she's always ragging on me. She kinda blew me off, too.. I just had this whole fantasy how we would all come together and be like this one person with a lot of heads. That sounds kinda freaky, but you know what I meant. I'm sorry. I--I really can't handle working with her I guess trying to drag everyone into this was obviously ultra-dumb. So you're not mad? Adam, I don't even understand why I'm doing this garden. How can I be mad at you if you're not into it? It feels like there's so much stuff coming at us lately, like we're the indeterminate thing. Maybe we should be our physics project. I planted something called impatience, but they take as long as everything else. Funny, huh? Yeah. Ease up, man. Our medical plan doesn't cover stomach stapling. I'm peckish. It happens whenever a grieving family member accuses me of murder. Yeah. I'll get back to you. First off, let me say, we go up against the blue wall, we better have a solid case. The shooters we caught last week-- the ones that hit the 8-year-old kid? Yeah. The only witness against them dies in a fire. Convenient. They're drug dealers.. Their friends wanted to send a message. Roasting some woman isn't exactly a moral quandary for them. Which is why you should see this. From Mary Wallace's house. Arson says the fire started in the basement. Probably a box close to the heater. Now, you came from the arson squad. You buy it? There seems to be a line of accelerant here. It runs from the back window. Meaning? A pro. Gang Banger's not gonna waste time hiding his tracks like this. The 2 shooters told us to look to our own. We got the same song at the funeral. Yeah. And I thought we finally cleaned this place up. Funny, Roy. Isn't this where we met? Outside looking in Man, you smell like a litter box. The ground is soft. I have happy butt.. What are you doing, Get off my plants, you freak? ! Hey. You wanna rein in the animals? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Because it's my assignment, ok? And I know you don't want to have anything to do with it, but do you have to try to impress your new friends by being a even bigger twerp than they are? Your friends are so great? Judging me for getting a little loaded. Like they're so perfect. Grace saved your life, Judith. Doctors exaggerate. I could have slept it off. I was in the hospital with you for 2 days. Aren't you great? Mmm Ok. Look, I know... I know you're embarrassed, ok? I get it. But let it go. Everybody will be willing to get past this-- now I'm supposed to take advice from some nut job who sees people who aren't even there? Who wants big gulps? I'm buying. Wait. Me. I love big gulps. Before you get mad-- what are you doing? I need to talk. Girardi, waiting outside the girls' bathroom is a little stalky. No. You said that if I can't handle your terms, maybe I can't handle you. Well, Grace, I think it's you who can't handle me. Don't push it, Girardi, unless you want your make-out time cut. This is more than just about making out, Grace. I mean, I like the making out, don't get me wrong, but we have a relationship here whether you like it or not. There are things you don't know about me, ok? Exactly! And it's that very indeterminacy that attracts me.. I--I don't know why you're so scared by it. This is about my privacy and you not respecting it, that's all. Ok. Fine. Then be private and alone, because clearly that's what you want. Hey. I'm getting a by line tomorrow. I wrote a piece about this guy who's been ticketed for jaywalking 243 times. Why did you do it, Kevin? I was just fascinated by the man's love of traffic. I went to the lawyer's office today. He told me you'd been to see Andy. Did you think we wouldn't find out? I didn't know how to tell you. You tried to talk Andy into dropping the case. That could be construed as an admission of guilt. That's ridiculous. I just wanted to see how he was, if he really needed help. That's not how his attorney saw it. He doubled the damages to a million. How can they do that? They just can. Look, I'm sorry, but this whole mess is going on around me, and you two won't tell me anything-- because we're taking care of it. You've been through enough. Please, just stay out of it. That kid could take everything we have. Sure. I'm sorry. This can be recycled. Do I have to make a new earth every 7 days? So many people pray to see you. If only they knew. Now, why haven't you finished your assignment? Uh, I did. I planted stuff. It got stepped on. My friends deserted me in the process. As usual. Thank you very much. Well, isn't that part of the assignment-- to see how the process unfolds? You have until Friday. Finish what you started. Are you telling me that I can get all those flowers to grow by Friday? No. You can't force a bud to open or a plant to grow faster. Growth is a process. ust be part of the process, Joan. Even if he was locked down, he still might know who's behind it. Maybe, but that's still one hell of an alibi. He's all yours. So nice catching up on an old friend. You know him? Little gift from his crew. Amazing what you can do with a Phillips screwdriver. Deshawn gets a cut of half the crank from 14th street all the way on up to the Hudson. So why haven't you brought him in before? His stash always gets moved around, like--like he's got someone watching out for him. Good luck on finding out who. When did he talk to roebuck? Never, as far as I know. Deshawn knows him. Wanted to know if the chief was gonna be in on the interrogation. Roebuck's the boss. Probably afraid of him. Yeah. I'm sure that's it. Mom. I might not make it home for dinner. Um, I need to do some work on the garden. Oh, sure. How's it going? Uh, kind of terrible, but thanks for asking. Joan. The night of the accident, Kevin's accident, what do you remember? One thing. Now ? No. Sorry. It's ok. I was... Um... watching the nutty professor for the millionth time. Um... and I heard you scream. Are you ok, mom? Sure. I was just curious. The lawsuit. I was just curious. Thanks, honey. Sure. Inside the building. That's a big change for you. Look, I just want to say... I'm sorry. I just don't get it, Judith. We're not at camp anymore, ok? There, it was, like, perfect. It was just us. Joanith. But here, there's Adam and Grace, and it's...different. No. It doesn't have to be. It already is. I was here less than a week, and I totally blew it with you and your friends. Ok. So you dump us because of one stupid night? Look, I've been in 4 high schools in 2 years. You'd think I would have kept a few friends through all of that, wouldn't you? Even my shrink-parents have written me off I'm like some failed lab experiment to them. Judith, I don't care about what happened in the past, ok? Here, right now, we're friends. So if I mess up again, that's cool ? Wha--what? And the next time? What--what are you even talking about? I'll be the one you cut loose, won't I? You'll still have your friends, but I'll be alone, and I don't do alone well. Judith, you're all freaked out about something that may never even happen. I gotta get to class. Judith ! I get this sense you've been avoiding me. Now, don't be afraid of the feelings we have for each other. They're what make us... us, right? Uhh! Hi. I'm lilly, your mom's confirmation coach. We got a thing at 4:00. I'm early. She'll be home soon. I'm Kevin. I figured. I read your project about that jaywalking guy. Very cool. Thanks. You heard about the guy trying to eat a bicycle? Oh. You should check it out. Do you want anything to drink while you're waiting? Oh, great. I'm parched. Uh...so you really surf? Oh, yeah. Totally. You should try it. I'm sure they got some kind of rig they could strap you in. So, uh, how's your lawsuit coming? Ok, I guess. Am I being too nosey? Can I finish the Cran-apple? Sure. "Sure" about the nosey or the Cran-apple? The Cran-apple. But, um, I can't really tell you much about the lawsuit. My parents are handling it. They don't tell me much. Wait a minute. You don't know anything about a lawsuit in which you're named, even though the accident was--just a guess-- the most important event of your life? Ok, now you're being too nosey. No, it's just-- I mean... you're 20 and a reporter. How do you turn off interest in your own life? You're right. None of my business. Oh. Hi. You met? Yeah. Great. I'll get my books, and we can start. It's nice to meet you. I've thought about it, and I do want to work within your terms. Well, you shouldn't. It's totally unfair. See, that's the thing. I don't think they are. I mean, basically, I've been asking for a total regime change in your public and personal life. But you know what? I looked up every major political revolution in the last hundred years, and not even the most violent ones were sudden. You know, they-- they built up over years of dissatisfaction and unrest. Did you make a special effort not to use a science metaphor? I'm trying to expand my range. So basically you're saying what? I'm willing to wait. Hoping that the, uh... revolution will gain some small foothold in the outer regions, such as, uh... maybe an occasional exchange of words in public. What's this? Well, even warring tribes have been known to make peace offerings in, uh, you know, recognition of their commonalities. Did you just make that up? Yes. It's, uh--it's a seedling for a sunflower. It's hard to believe it can grow over 8 feet tall. I stole it from Joan. I can't believe she's still at it. You know, her hypothesis actually has promise. I mean, the idea of a community garden can be tied to some key aspects of quantum theory. Lay it on me. I can't get through my paper. It's too much research. Hey. We're having a conversation. Not anymore. Just lay it on me. Well, um... according to one of the principles of indeterminacy, you know, there's a certain level of uncertainty to every equation. Now, with the community garden, for instance... why are you planting cabbage? Isn't it already, like, cabbage? Shut up. Yeah ? Shut you up. Makin' soup? Hey. Apparently, they flower. What are you doing here? Boy wonder figured out you're not brain dead. Apparently, dirt can equal physics. So we can get some more work done. You so don't want to go there, dude. You, see, if we posit that your indeterminate element is the unpredictable level of resistance-- Stifle it, Einstein. Just pick up all this garbage and pile it over there. Hey, Grace ? Thank you. I'm doing this for me, dude. I know. Want a cigarette? No, thanks. Big fan of the lungs. Right. You know, usually I'm the only one around here this early, so I won't have to endure the breakfast inquisition with the shrinks. You ? I just wanted to see Joan's garden. You could see it later... with her. Be weird if she were here. You know, we always work on these kind of projects together. This is the first time that we're not. Is it because of me? Uh, no. It's, uh... Yeah. Sorry. I used to plant stuff... with my dad. Then he got busy, got a gardener, and we stopped doing that kind of thing. Guess that's why I freaked when Joan said she wanted to do the garden, huh? Think I'm gonna clean up some more. You want to help? Nah. You get anything from Deshawn Wallace? Apparently, he lost his power of speech. With the witness dead, he knew he was going home. So he didn't mention anyone in the department? No. You know Duncan and Simmons? Plainclothes, live on the street. Yeah. They were responsible for 2 of the biggest coke busts this year. Right. I brought them over from arson. What are you saying, Roy? Their files. See if you find anything. Who the hell are we investigating? Hi. Hi. I, uh... I made you a tree for the garden. Are those cigarette butts? Yeah. I dipped them in leftover Slushies. The sugar makes killer glue. Cool. Oh, it's a gnome. They, uh... they live under the earth and guard their buried treasure. This is his fire spear. I had a serious dungeons and dragons habit. I'm better now. Thank you. Get a room, guys! Ok, uh, I have mapped out a planting plan based on the arc of the sun and hours of daylight last fall. Ok, Luke, don't get all sweaty. All we're going for is "not dead." Despite the team leader's nonexistent expectations, the existing momentum propels the project forward. What are the yellow thingies? Mums. They bloom in the fall, attract the bees, the bees pollinate the Non-flowering shrubs, which keep aphids from eating other plants. What ? You researched all that? One episode of one show on the home and garden channel. Do not make me regret this. Ok. We found a witness who saw Andy yelling at Kevin during his visit. I brought up the act as hostile and threatening, and their attorney agreed to withdraw their request for an increase in damages. Thanks, Tom. Now, we're gonna have to get another toxicologist to analyze Andy's blood alcohol report. He's not cheap, but-- Hey, Kévin. Hey, Mr Murphy. You ok, honey? Uh, no, mom, I'm not. If you'd like to be alone, I-- No. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be a part of this. We'll talk about this at home, Kevin. That's the problem, dad. We won't talk about it. You need my statement, right? We're still in discovery? I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't know-- Well, we're gonna need his statement sooner or later. I'm just not sure he's ready for this. I'm not ready? Have you done your statement yet, Mom? Kevin ! I'm trying to put my thoughts in order. No, you're afraid of them. And so are you, dad. You think if I'm not here to go over all the details, it'll be easier, like it happened to someone else. But it's never gonna be easier. It's gonna suck every time we think about it, so... I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. I don't want you to go through it again. But I have to. Don't take this away from me. I've lost enough. It's still kind of hazy for me. Um... Andy didn't know how fast he was going. And I didn't want to show how scared I was. Uh... there was music playing in the hospital. Some radio someplace. Bach, I think. It was so out of place. Andy...was leaving with his father. They rushed past me. They couldn't look at me. And then I heard all those people working on you behind the curtain, frantic. And your sneakers, the new ones I had just bought... in shreds... because they cut them off your feet... lying in the blood on the floor. Indeterminacy, my warriors. Who will catch a cold? Who will stumble and fall along the dusty path? And will the horticulture efforts of team Girardi survive the wasteland of poor soil and "d" students? Can you expand? Read. Remember, it's not just your grade. "We posit...", posit? Yes, posit. "We posit that no one behaves according to predetermined assumptions. Humanity and beauty have the potential to coexist where the obstacles are the most challenging. We offer our garden as an inquiry into the nature of hope, the greatest indeterminacy of all. Poetic, as all great science truly is. Oh no ! Bulldozers were not part of my calculation. Judith, Judith ! watch out! A heroine goddess. That's my girl. The ultimate indeterminate. Judith ! Hey! Stand aside, young lady. Excuse me. This garden is an A.P. Physics project. How charming, but we're putting in new bleachers. Can it be spared the final deathblow until our research is complete? Lady, I got a union employee, hourly pay. It's out of my hands. Everybody, see the garden? It's lovely. It's a lovely garden. Now move. Judith ! Judith ! I'm sorry. Yeah. I'll be right back. The Friedman likey. It was a cool garden, Joan. I loved the fire spear. Is she gonna be ok? She was planting crocuses and tulips. It doesn't matter if the ground gets bulldozed 'cause they'll still come up in the spring. She knew that. So what I was growing... grew. Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. - This is Vince Noir. - All right? This week I'm gonna be playing a host of characters. But don't be afraid. lt's just that as an actor I can play any emotion. - l've seen him. lt's pretty powerful. - Yeah. Here's a little taster of what I can do. - What's that? - Grief of a sailor. - That is genius. Do another one. - You like that? - What's that? - Cornish guilt. - How's that? You liking' it? - Cornish guilt? Come on. Come on. 1... Get up Charlie! 2... Yeahhh! Hit! Hit! Hit the gong! Yeah.. Huh! Charlie this Bald Bob is beating the hell out of you! Ah what can I say? It's an occupational Hazard. But that tree trunk is thrashing you mercilessly! How on earth are you enduring such pain? Who's getting thrashed to endure? I get thrashed so that I can come here everyday get beaten up everyday manipulate the odds everyday. Charlie... You have fixed this fight? You have taken money to lose? From Whom? Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! From Mr. Motwani? He is a really dangerous guy! Hurry up and go Charlie.. And Fall quickly! Be careful Charlie. Lose and come Tiger! Don't worry... Charlie. I'll handle it. Hey.. Fall Dammit! Everyone's watching.. Try harder, like you mean it. You want to get thrashed for all your money's worth eh? A thief's son... Come on, Charlie. ...and such honesty? You do know that everyone here knows that your father was a thief. A thief's son! Thief! Thief! Thief! Thief! Thief! What the hell have you done, Charlie? If Bob doesn't get up you will never be able to fight here again. You know that right? Bob get up... He won't get up. Won't get up? Which means you.. Ehhh... Charlie! I'm Charlie Real name: Chandramohan Manohar Sharma. A topper from Boston University.. But a loser by Fate. To earn an honest buck in this city for me had not only become difficult, it had become impossible. Why? That's a long Story! The Pretigious Diamond Company, 'Shimmer Diamonds' is shifting an extremely rare collection of diamonds for an exhibition from Pretoria to Antwerp. The security of these priceless diamonds has been given to the world-renowned security firm Shalimar International! So now the custodian of these diamonds, is the Owner of Shalimar International Mr. Charan Grover. Lets take a quick look at the ongoing live press conference. Thank you... Thank you everybody! Is it true that these diamonds are coming to Dubai for a night? Before they reach Antwerp, on Christmas Eve, just for one night these diamonds will be kept here at the Atlantis, in the Shalimar. Private Collectors in the Grey Market have estimated these Diamonds to be worth about 50 million dollars. Its too less how can one put a value on 9 priceless diamonds of the Mughal Dynasty? And the same night, the opening ceremony of the.. ..World Dance Championship is also being held here right? Absolutely, Shimmer Diamonds has graciously sponsored the World Dance Championship Trophy this year. This time around, the trophy has been made in solid Gold. In fact, the copies of these very diamonds have been set in it. The trophy itself is worth over a quarter of a million dollars. So you see, it's a win-win situation for all. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It's now Time to go get Jag. Roll sound. Ha Ha Hee Hee, shot 1, take 1. Action! Cut.. cut.. cut.. cut! Who is the stupid bomb guy? He's bursting the wrong bomb at the wrong time at the wrong place... You go call him. You go call him get him here! Aye Jag! Aye Jag! Jag! Captain Jagmohan Prakash. Ex Bomb squad. You Deaf Mule! A soldier gives his years to his country, Jag gave his ear. The director is calling! What's written in this? What's written in this? Its written that when the lady gyrates her hips, then the blast should happen... The hips gyrated, but the colorful blasts were wrong! What's the matter Mr. Director? What's the matter Mr. Director? I've been telling you since morning.. Oh, oh, open shirt, 6 pack abs, dard-e-disco look? On my set? This is unacceptable. I've been teaching you since morning, Bomb 2-3-4, Bomb 2-3-4 Bomb 2-3-4. That's what I did Bomb 2-3, Bomb 2-3 Where the hell did 4 go? On a holiday? What sir? - What sir? Are you freaking mad? Huh? Did your mother drop you on you head when you were a kid, that you don't understand anything? Lunatic Son, Lunatic Mother! Its essential that you know 2 things about One: Jag Worships his mother. Two: Jag gets really pissed off when someone insults his mother. Lunatic mother! Director Sir! Don't say anything about my mother! Why? Is your mom the great Mother India? I'm warning you I may hit you. You can hit me. But not on a girl... Save me. I just want to say one thing to you.. Your mother is a lunatic! DIRECTOR Sirrr! Hey.. We are going to kill Grover, right? No.. No, jag. What? Charlie you don't want to kill that one Man who ruined all our lives? Manohar uncle was your dad, but he was no less of a father to me.. Coz of this scumbag he is in jail till today. 8 years, since 8 years I've been waiting for this. Even I have been waiting since 8 years Jag but Timing, timing is everything. Charlie! Just tell me once where can we find this Grover! If I wanted to kill him, I would have killed him by Now. Since 8 years I've been following him everywhere like a shadow! London, Berlin, Vienna, Paris, New York, everywhere. Charan Grover would have been dead 7 times by now but you know what jag? Death is a trivial punishment for him. Justice will be when he craves for death and doesn't get it. I want to destroy him.. ...as much as he destroyed us. So then what are we waiting for Charlie? I'm here, you're here. What else do we need? - No. We are not the only ones who want revenge Jag. This vengeance is for all three of us. Your going to take that fat lump along? Yes Jag! This vengeance is incomplete without him! But Charlie? - Jag we have to get Tammy... Our Fat Lump! Temhton Irani the 50 year old chick magnet of Parsi Colony the world's best safe cracker. But Tammy was no Thief. He used to test the safes in my dad's factory. Its essential that you know 2 things about Tammy. One; Tammy carries an entire supermarket in his satchel.. ..and two, there is everything in this satchel, except money. Tammy.. Tammy Iraniiiii..! Scoundrel's wearing loose, baggy shorts jogging,hittingon thesegirls! Come here, Come here and stand. Here take this money.. Hurry up get me my eggs bread.. Always cribbing! Yes mama! Hurry up take it! Coming Mamma. Oye my money is in it be careful with it! Yes mama... Last time a quarter was unaccounted for, now hurry up and take it rogue! I understand... Ok! We have to break into the Shalimar security systems which is the most advanced in the world... Then we have to crack the safe within then steal the 9 priceless diamonds from there. Right? Right. Correct? Exactly Tammy.. - What utter nonsense.. Where are you going? I am going home the two of you go to the mental hospital. I told you this fatso is good for nothing! Who you calling a fatso huh? Who you calling a fatso? You who else! Ai you deaf Bull! One clip I'll give you under your ear nah. Your sound system will go from Mono to mute. Hey Ronnie! Hey Ronnie did my boy come here? Did you see that Idiot? - Hide me Charlie. Hide me! Where the hell is he? You know that rogue has absconded with 22 rupees of mine! O shit! This lump still gets these fits! Aye fatso! He's not got himself treated yet. Don't worry, he gets these fits whenever he's stressed, but just for 30 seconds. If he comes you tell him, his mother was remembering him. I'm going to smack him! 27.28.29.30! Bye, see you.. Aye Tammy.. This is our only chance to get even with Grover. Despite being innocent, dad's been in jail for the past 8 years. I will give my life for Manohar you know that. He was my best friend Charlie, he was my best friend. And if he wasn't in jail today all of us would have been working together. That's what I'm asking of you, to work together. Like how dad and you together made the Shalimar safe, duringtesting only one man opened it without knowing the combination, in 22 minutes. You Tammy! Don't do this for me do this for dad please. Aye Tammy? Guys I have to pack my bag don't I? Come on! Take this! Go Die! Where is he? Where is he? Mama, I told you to pack my suitcase not throw it out! Yes I'm your father's slave is it? Take this, your undies and boxers, I've washed it and kept it ready. Why are you embarrassing me in front of everyone mama? And listen, wash your undies before you wear them, wash them everyday, Don't flip it inside out and wear them else it will get real itchy! Keep quiet please! - Go on now! Listen you better go pee before you sleep.. Aye mamma! Otherwise you'll have to wash the bed-sheets too. Can't we live without this fatso? Are the two of us not enough? Even the three of us are not enough. Why? You're putting together a cricket team? Jag! Charlie, step on it! Come on hurry.. hurry.. Bye, girls. Bye, Tammy. Now he wants one more person.. Why? Coz 3 levels of Shalimar are completely computerized. We need a hacker. Ya? Do you know a hacker? Yes.. He's a friend's nephew called... He's bald? How is it of any help to us if he's bald? Arreyy called, not bald! Why haven't you gone to the doc to clean up your ears? Jag, your nephew, Rohan! Rohan? - Hmm.. Here goes one more introduction! And this is Rohan... Aahh not this stud the guy standing behind him. Rohan Singh, nephew of our Captain Jagmohan! Rohan has 600 friends on Facebook. But not even one in real life. Coz IQ doesn't interest girls, they want CQ.. Cool quotient! Don't even try! Dolly Polly don't mingle with losers! "Sorry, I want to.." Oh my god, its our favorite song! "I am Punjabi." No one knew though that this loser of the real world.. ..was HACKGOD RS of the virtual world. HACKGOD RS has just 2 things in his life. Number 1-hacking and number 2-hacking. What are you playing? - I didn't.. - What is this? Stop.. stop.. - Hold on. You are such a loser. Come on, let's go. Jerk. Save me.. Please, save me! I think I've seen this scene before.. Hmm.. from the film 'Damini' Ahh that '2.5 kg fist' scene, yes.. yes! Now see Jag's 5 Kg fist. Hey, Jag Uncle! So happy to see you! Come here. Hey big guy! Leave the kid alone! Peter! Thank you. Come to mama honey. What? He said your mother is Horny! What did you say? Come to mama honey! You called my Mother Horny? Whose mother? You? Sleeves? Its past my dinner time, my sugar levels are dropping! I swear on my mom I didn't take your mother's... You are talking about my mother again! Rascal You ate my banana? This is the only place you found in the whole damn street? Go there and fall! Sorry uncle! Shut up! See this. - Awesome what is this network? Will tell you later, first tell me, can you hack it? See, Charlie, this is an extremely secure network, if I start working on it tomorrow then... I'm telling you Rohan, this work is illegal. Haaan! Pinky, Pamma, Bubbly, Lovely, Sweety, Tinny. Mammaiya kairo kairo kairo mamaa.. Kairo mamaa! Mammaiya kairo kairo kairo mamaa.. Guys, don't say 'Mamma'.. He will hit us! What's there what's there what's there? AAhhhh.. ..strawberry milk shake, yeah! Peter! You've come back? Why do you keep falling next to me? What should I do uncle? He keeps throwing me here! Jaswinder ! Jaswinder! Jaswinder! *^%$##***^^^ MAATAJIIII! What did he say? Damn he abused your mom in Chinese! MAATAJIIII! This is a really dangerous place. A person can't even eat in peace. What's there what's there what's there? Ahhhhh Pineapple cake! I am gonna have my cake and eat it too. Ooiiii Maa! Maa? We've said that you work for us in our software company... Peter? Is that you? Peek-a-Boo! Jag uncle, help him! Ok. ok.. Jaaagggg! They are saying your mother.. Your mother is a $#@**! Maa always works! I've understood the plan it's All clear! But there is one problem. I will hack the computers of this vault but how will you guys get inside the vault? There is a biometric lock there. Aye hacker, talk in layman terms! What he means is, the door of the room that this vault is in opens only with fingerprints. Actually with the thumbprint of just one Man. Who's thumbprint? His thumbprint. Vicky Grover, Charan Grover's son? Vicky Grover? - Yeah! Vicky Grover? Vicky Grover? Peter? We will take it from here. Okay! Come on, Charlie, its a bloody joke. Come on, Tammy, don't over react. I Have a plan. Plan? You intend on roping in Vikki Grover? Actually, yes, something of that sort. Radhe! Radhe! Radhe! Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna! Radhe! Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna! Nandu Bhide is The Man! Hey, where is Nandu's bottle? ! Guys! I present to you... Vikki Grover! Aka Nandu Bhide! Bloody hell, Double role! Oh My God! It's like a movie! Where did you find him? Last year I saw him in the Ram-Leela. He was playing the role of Lord Hanuman. I saw Ram-Leela once got blessings for a lifetime! Superb, Charlie. - Bless me! So be it! Have the liquor and break the pot. Have the liquor and break the pot. Have the liquor and break the pot. Have the liquor and break the pot. Have the liquor and break the pot. Its essential that you know two things about Nandu Bhide.. One. He can throw up anytime. Jump up anytime? Is he a gymnast? Not jump up... Throw up! And the second thing? Second thing? See it for yourself. Nandu, no. Oh God. Control. Waste of time, guys! How can we trust him? He will ruin the entire plan! Without him there is no plan! If we want to get into Shalimar then we need this face. This one, this. Guys, We need him! Feed him? - No, Not feed him. But why should we feed him? Look, he's so hopelessly drunk! What do you guys think? He will risk his life for us? Never! - Exactly! He has no reason to. Charlie, No motivation. No crime! Furthermore, he is so useless and he really stinks, Charlie. How do we make a gentleman out of this trash? Charlie, I've heard about sex change operations but a species change operation is impossible! Tammy! It's impossible, doctor! An operation without money is impossible! I know that.. I will save up the money in 1-2 years though! But where is the time, Nandu? Mom won't survive for 1-2 years... 6 months. And if it gets later than that... Hey, Mom, you don't worry okay! Don't you worry. Nandu will collect the money. Nandu will get your tumor operated. Hey you rich, wealthy people! Hang up your pots, as high as you can! Nandu will get them. I'll get them! Poor Nandu! His mom has a tumor. But guys we now have a reason his mother's operation. Here's to motivation guys. Cheers to Nandu! Team Diamonds! A Drunken Wastrel... A Wild Boar... A Heavy Duty Soldier... And an Impish Kid! I had carefully handpicked these Charlie's Angels! This is Manohar's old workshop! We used to work here years ago.. Hey, Jag? Remember this Lathe Machine? I can't believe it. Everything is still the same, Tammy. Hmmm. The Destruction of Charan Grover should begin.. ..where is left us destroyed. We begin our work today, guys. But what are we going to do here? Rehearsal! Rehearsal of the World's grandest heist! We are going to rob this cupboard? Abode of the underground Goddess! Ladies welcome to Shalimar! Gentlemen! Welcome to Shalimar! First point, Shalimar's 100 feet long corridor. At the very entrance we have specially trained Black-Cat commandos. They kill first and doubt later. These commando's are trained by the Mossad or the KGB. And Nandu will go through this very corridor. What? What? What? You think I am these big brutes brother in law that they will let me go in? No! Not their brother in law.. They will think you are Vikki Grover. Meaning? - Tammy? Charan Grover's son. Damnnnn double role. Same to same, color Xerox! How's it possible though? My dad never went to Dubai. His dad must have come to India! Yes that's possible... Hey! This is the biometric security. This lock can open with the fingerprints of just one man. And he is... Grover! Vikki Grover! The key to Shalimar! Wassup daddy cool? - All well! Vikki Grover. Now where will we get Vikki Grover's fingerprints from! That's not a big problem. The big problem is, how are we going to transform Nandu into Vikki Grover? Mission impossible. Such a big safe? Hmm.. Tammy's true Love! Shalimar! "My true love," "Shalimar.." "Until we meet..." "...we both are restless." "In our eyes the wait is endless." 49 levers, 7 cycles, 145 tumblers. Stop Tammy! - What happened? In the real Shalimar, there is an outer laser shield which is 12000 volts. The codes to this outer laser shield are changed everyday! Who's going to stop this electric current now? My father? But he never went to Dubai did he. Hey you listen, Don't go on my dad! Guys.. guys.. Nandu? Tammy? - Sorry! The laser-shield is computerized. So it will be hacko-fied! Yaaaooo! So, gentlemen! This is the world famous Shalimar safe. It has more than 110 million combinations! 110 million! If you start trying today... It will be 350 years before you've tried all combinations, and it still won't open. Mr. Gupta? Would you step in, please? So to open Shalimar without the codes, it will take you 350 years. But you will have only... 5 minutes. The door of the safe will remain open for just 5 minutes. And in these 5 minutes, If we don't escape with the diamonds then.. Then? The door will automatically shut and the laser shield will come on! Oye.. oyeeee! Step back. Please. Thank you so much. Which means even if somehow a thief comes in, he has no way out! Mister Gupta? There is oxygen inside.. Keep breathing. As you can see, apart from me no one can take out your diamonds from Shalimar. And trust me... I'm not a thief! You guys know the way out! Apart from this, there is no other way in! There is a way. A way that even Grover is unaware of. Which way? Shalimar is a 150 feet below Atlantis. And this is where the sewer system of Atlantis is as well. So-oar? Sewer as in a gutter! Not a dirty pig like you! Shalimar's greatest weakness is its ventilation! Meaning? Air flow. It's tight! There was an old A/C duct here for air supply. One vent of this duct is still somewhere behind the panel, in the walls of Shalimar. Me and Tammy will reach behind this panel and Nandu you, disguised as Vikki will open this panel so both of us can come in. How? With this Allen Key, I mean with this Key, Nandu. There are special grooves in this, with which the panel will open with ease. Where did you get this from? In the thousands of hands that made Shalimar.. There were also those 2 hands, that were mapping plotting the destruction of Grover. Aye Charlie, you are a genius! Superb! Alright. Thank you, Nandu. That's enough. Okay, Charlie... How will the two of us reach the other side of the panel? We will reach the other side of the panel through the AC duct. See, the AC duct begins here, and comes till here. Years ago, these used to be pump rooms.. For air conditioning. But now these rooms have been renovated into green rooms.. ..for live events, performances that are held here at the Atlantis. So this AC duct has one opening here and the other opening is here, in Room 9C. There are 1539 rooms in Atlantis.. ..but there is only one way to get into Shalimar, and that is through Room 9C. Perfecto! So, we will go to Atlantis, Book 9C and directly check into the Shalimar! Correct? Errr.. Actually.. its not that simple, Tammy. The thing is... Room 9C is already reserved. Reserved? 6 months in advance? Yes.. No.. I.. No.. Not exactly like that... Charlie, I've understood! The thing is, another group has already made the same plan and have booked it! No issues! We'll meet this guys and tell them to split 50-50 with us or we'll call the cops! No. No. No. This room cannot be booked. So then how is it reserved? Guys I told you'll its a green room. If its green or if its black, how does the color matter to us? We aren't going there for our honeymoon? Charlie boy? What's cooking? What are you hiding from us? Its nothing dude, nothing at all.. You guys.. okay okay so the thing is the night the diamonds are in the Shalimar.. ..that night there is a live event in Atlantis, a performance. WDC. And Room 9c is reserved for WDC. And if we want Room 9C for ourselves then we have to take part in WDC. That's it! Dabboo DC.. Dabboo DC.. Dabboo DC what the hell is this Dabboo DC? WDC. Yes that what is it? Guys, I told you its a live performance you know its an event WDC.. Wordanchamship. Excuse me. He's already deaf and we didn't hear you all that well either. What did you say? Didn't hear? Nothing its just a Worrllddchammpship. What is a worldddannccshhiippp? It's a worddannncsshiipppp! What is a worlddannccshhiippp? Say it clearly! World Dance Championship. Go H^%* a buffalo! Sajid Sir! Is your new film starting? Guys its! GUYS? Director Sir! Jag here! I've memorized the sequence perfectly - Bomb 2.3.4! Bomb 2, 3, 4! Hello sir I can't hear you too well? Now I'll have to go say sorry to mom! Mummy, I am sorry! Aye Drama Queens! Aye! What this drama for guys? It's a small, tiny dance competition. That's it! What do you mean by that's it! This is not a dance competition this is the World Dance Competition. Ya so? So? Who amongst us looks like a dancer to you? This fatso? This drunkard? Or this kid? Heyy? Forgot to mention yourself huh, Jackson's illegitimate child! Why you calling me Macmohan? We'll discuss this later... First you tell us, how on earth are we going to reach this World Dance Championship. As team India! Superb! Aye, Tammy, listen up. This time WDC, India is happening here. In Mumbai. And to win that, its not essential for us to dance well. We just have to go on stage and move around a bit that's all guys! Yes! And end up making an absolute fool out of ourselves in front of the entire country. Nope.. We will emerge victorious! Correct, we will look ridiculous! Idiot. The winner of WDC India will be decided by Votes.. ..and we will automatically get the maximum votes. From Where? From here! Rohan? I'm pointing towards you. Me? Rohan is going to hack his way in, and he will get the maximum votes for us. By hacking the votes. Damn genius. Why didn't you say before? I'm saying now, am I not! - That's gonna be easy. I'm in guys! He too is in guys, Well done, very good go for it! He's going to hack his way in but we guys can't dance! Talk about yourself, Khali! Charlie, My snake dance is world famous in Sangam Chawl! I'll show you? - See.. that's the spirit got for it. Yeah very good. - Aye see! Hey see this, it's so easy, yeah, yeah! I rest my case. Come on, Tammy, Jag! You guys know that if we really want to achieve something we can easily do it.. And this is just a little bit of dancing. We just need a little practice and we'll get it in a jiffy.. Jiffy. See, we can do this.. See Is there more to it, Nandu? No that's all there is. That's it, guys. Come on. So simple. Come on, Guys. Come on, Tammy Come. Okay come! I got three left feet, Charlie. More feet better dance! Right there. "My heart is restless." "My eyes are waiting." "Life is meaningless.." "..there's no rhythm." "Come, beloved. Come on." "Let's get into tune." "Let's get into tune." "Let's get into tune." "Let's get into tune." I told Charlie that we can't dance to save our lives. I was better off in the army... Arrey arrey arrey! We have to go on stage in 2 weeks and you guys don't know jack shit yet! What do you know, you piece of thrash? You called me a piece of thrash? You tie this bandanna around your neck and do your snake dance all day long. You've come for your father's wedding? Hey don't go on my dad. What you going to do about it? What will you do? - What will you do? What will you do fatso? - What will you do? Here we go again! - What will you do? Shhhhh! No one has to do anything. Whatever needs to be done, Rohan's going to do. Rohan's going to take care of the votes. We won't get voted out. Dancing is not a tension. Uh- actually there is tension. This time a lot of teams have applied so.... ...there is a judges round before the actual competition. We are your worst nightmares! This competition is no joke! We will choose only the best! And eliminate the rest! M%*^@$! Chuck it, guys! Guys remove my duplicate's photo please. I don't like hitting myself with darts! We have to hit him first! M^%*$@! Chuck it, Uncle! Why should he chuck it! Our vengeance should be full absolute. Charlie, this plan to rob the diamonds I understand, but I don't get this fire of vengeance that's burning in him.. There's some story to all this isn't it? This story is about diamonds It was all about a handful of diamonds. Charlie's father Manohar meusedto worktogether! Not colleagues, we were friends. And not friends like you who poke each other on Facebook.. ..from Friday to Friday real friends! Friends? We were like family! When I left the army, Manohar uncle included me in his family as well! Both of us used to test his systems. Dad had the contracts for the security of the entire Diamond Market... And all was very good.. Then Charan Grover came into our lives. Charan Grover was a dealer of African diamonds. He gave dad the contract to make the most advanced safe in the world. Dad decided to call it. Shalimar! For dad these two guys, it was their biggest project ever. They took loans from the market and after one year of intense hard work.. ...finally Shalimar was ready. Charan Grover's first consignment of diamonds was worth 20 million dollars. 20 million? I still remember the night the diamonds were kept in the safe, It was New Year's eve! Mr. Grover! I'll request you to please change the combination of the safe and put in your own fingerprints too. Manohar! What's the hurry? It's new years eve, enjoy yourself. Have a drink! Come on! Mr. Grover, I can't take such a big responsibility. Right now, there are 20 million worth of diamonds in the Shalimar and.. And no one can open it except you I know that. But you are not a thief.. Hmmm? Come on today is new year. Come on. Come on. Come on, happy new year, cheers. Enjoy! That night Grover showed his true colors. He drugged my Dad. Dad was seeing himself get ruined with his own eyes, and couldn't even lift a finger to stop it. Grover stole his own diamonds.. ..and then called the police. The cops found dad's fingerprints on the biometric lock. Grover took the diamonds.. ..and then he got the insurance claim too. Dad was boycotted by the entire Diamond Market. And he got arrested. Dad was jailed for 12 years. Rigorous imprisonment. He wasn't allowed to meet anyone... Jag Tammy also had to leave the city incase the cops got to them. I was left to fend for myself... And Charan Grover, who ruined us all - ...went to Dubai and solely took over Shalimar International and today.. ...is living a life of immense luxuries and colossal comforts. He's got fate on his side! Fate is a fickle mistress, Nandu! It can turn tables anytime! This time I'm going to send Charan Grover to Jail.. ..for a very long time. Hear. Hear! He'll go. He'll surely go, Charlie. Why didn't you tell me before.. ..that this is all about your dad? I'm here for my mom.. ..and you're here for your dad! We are both bound by our grief. Thank you. Brother... I kiss you! Kiss... What kiss? - Kiss please. No, no, you can't kiss me, Nandu! No, no, you can't kiss me. - One kiss, please! What is he saying, guys? - Charlie.. No please! Charlie.. I swear on my mother you guys are a heartless bunch. You take me into your flashbacks and make me sentimental, and after that, Charlie, you won't let me give you one kiss? Hey just cut it out! Here we are so tense about the dance competition and all you are worried about is a damn kiss! Of course, you'll be tense! You know why? Coz you guys are learning it all wrong! Charlie does anyone learn how to dance like this? 1.2.3.4.. Damn you! Dance is automajic. Automajic! I will get a dance teacher for you guys, Charlie, come let's go. Aahaan.. Don't touch me. Where do we have to go? Where there is golden liquor in our throats.. Sparkling Radiance in our hearts and in front of us we have.. Mohini.. Mohini.. Mohini.. Mohini.. Mohini.. "Hearing your name, my heart beats." "Hearing your name, my heart beats." "O beloved, O love." "O life, O luck." "O beloved, O love." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name." "By saying your name." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name." "Your name." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name." "By saying your name." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name." "Your name." "My beloved has returned to me" "My beloved has returned to me" "My beloved has returned to me" "My beloved has returned to me" "These red bangles of mine" "Ring out for you" "They dance for you, sing out for you." "Such an intoxication." "In your anticipation." "One touch is all it took" "I'm yours forever now." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "She's put kohl in her eyes." "Looking at me she's gone mad." "Having taken photo and autograph." "She keeps liking the pics on instagram." "O girl, what you are doing?" "Please leave my friends alone." "Listen girl you have gone mad." "Says there's no one else like her." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "There is complete arrangement." "This evening you're the only one" "I'm yours until the morning comes" "Listen to the song in my heart" "who knows about tomorrow?" "Tell me your joys and sorrows" "I know its kind of crazy but I am yours forever now." "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "By saying your name" "I am more beautiful now" "By saying your name" "Your name" Tell me, Mohini, will you come teach us how to dance? Hey.. ...you think its easy to dance like Mohini? It's not easy! There are just 2 people in the world who can do it... One is JLO, the other is Shakira! There is no dancer like Mohini in the whole of India. You are not going to get such a chance in your whole life! You will be on TV, girl, on TV! With you guys? Will make a fool out of myself for sure! That will be the End of my dance school. School? Hey Dimwit! Mohini doesn't dance here for joy! I want to earn some money And open my own school. I want to teach small, Tiny kids how to dance. What will you get out of that? Respect. Something that no girl here gets. You know, my mom used to say the most important thing in life is respect. I will teach you guys how to dance? Dance is worship dance is an art! Art! Where did I say it's a fart! Out.. Out! Get out of here. Troubling me since childhood. Hey, Mohini! Don't get upset c'mon.. Relax, Nandu! Don't force her. There's no compulsion. Mohini. We really appreciate You taking out time for us... He speaks in English! "I've got a feeling!" Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... I forgot to mention the 2 things which Are essential to know about Mohini. ...Mohini louuuves the English. ...and Mohini can't speak the English. Excuse me. Yes, Jag? He speaks in English? Yes, Yes! Full English... Charlie! He's my friend! I have to teach him too? You have to teach him the most! He is the captain of our team! Text me the address I will be there tomorrow at 9. Hey, Mohini! Charlie, she's agreed! Charlie! His name's 'English' too! The question is not about who she is, what she is or what she does? What matters, is what she is for us? And for us, she is just a teacher. Hmm? Who will make us rehearse from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening, that's it. From 9 am to 6 pm we will forget what she actually is. Yes, yes, yes, Jag I know what she is. She's a bar dancer who wears these teensy weensy, ..short, sexy clothes and dances in front of random men for money. But what really matters, Tammy? We have nothing to do with her personal life. What difference does it make to us? She is our teacher... And it's important that we respect her. And you specially Nandu, you too are cheap like her aren't you. Yeah? And it's alright. She's a call girl she's cheap, she's vulgar, she's tacky... But now she is what she is. You understand Rohan, What I'm trying to say? Hmm? What I'm trying to say Charlie, is that she is standing behind you. No! Yes! - No. Charlie! Mohini! - Enough! Mohini has been dancing in front of drunk strangers since two years, but no one has ever made me feel so cheap. Thanks. Mohini! Charlie apologize in English! Hey, Mohini, listen up.. Hey, stop please Mohini Please, please, stop.. Stop, please! I.. I apologize! I'm really, really very sorry. Actually the thing is.. ..you are the only lady in this group.. Girl, not lady. - Exactly! A call girl. No, you heard this out of context. What I was trying to do is get these idiots to respect you. How on earth will they respect me if you don't. Who told you that? I do, I do immensely.. I respect you. I really respect you a lot. Really? - Yes! Why? - Why? Why respect Mohini? 'Cause Mohini, you are such an exceptional dancer! Perhaps the best in the world. Last night when I saw you for the first time I was mesmerized, hypnotized, the passion, the expression, the rhythm. The movement of your booty, the beauty of your movements. And your big thighs... eyes... And your hips don't lie. Mohini you are simply b****t taking, breath taking. Actually Mohini we are all losers, me too. And we want to win this competition and that can't happen without you, It's not possible without you. I'm ready to do whatever you say. Anything.. anything just please don't say no. Nau.. (Nine) No! Nau.. (Nine) No! Nine! Its nine o'clock It's time for rehearsals. Mohini hate lateness lateness? I promise you Mohini.. ...I will never be late in my life! Never. "I've got a feeling.." "I've got a feeling.." "A feeling in my heart" "That you are..." "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams.." "..from the start" "I've got a feeling!" "I've got a feeling" "A feeling in my heart" "I'll give you my soul, and my life and we'll never be apart." "I'm just a traveler from afar" "I am the light from a shining star" "I can't be held in your soul, in your life" "Or the depths of your heart." "I've got a feeling.." "I've got a feeling.." "A feeling in my heart" "That you are" "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams.." "..from the start!" "They speak to me, those eyes of yours" "Now, I belong to only you, and of course" "You're mine, too." "Don't tie me up with your delicate words" "Don't color my life with love because," "I can't be yours." "Someday you will love somebody" "That somebody could well be me!" "You are living a dream in your heart." "On the walls of." "The very walls of." "The walls of my beating heart." "Are pictures of you, of your love Of your soul, only you" "From the start!" "My lover plays a game.." "My heartbeat sings his name." "His eyes meet mine." "And our love burns like a flame." "Your eyes have cast a magical spell." "Come into my arms just once, and well." "I have become yours!" "The air begins to simmer." "And of love, we catch a glimmer." "We float, we fly," "Into the sky, amongst the stars." "I've got a feeling.." "I've got a feeling.." "A feeling in my heart" "That you are" "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams," "from the start." "You are the one in my life, in my soul, in my dreams" "That you are" "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams," "from the start." "That you are" "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams," "from the start" "You are the one in my life, in my soul, in my dreams." Welcome to PNB Metlife presents, India auditions- WDC! As you can see, the top dancing teams of India are present here... But the judges will choose only 5 teams. Who will be these teams? "These are the Indiawale." Move.. "Indiawale." An epic war is in progress behind this door! One by one, like injured soldiers, people are coming out. This was a damn good team! They rejected them too? These two judges are big jerks! Our selection is impossible! And look at him! Our captain! He's the worst dancer amongst us and he's laughing! Shameless! - Team Diamonds! Here! And the next team that's going in is Team Diamonds, The judges haven't selected a single team till now, lets see what happens with these folks. Good luck, All the best.. ..to the judges. Yes. What the hell was that? What vulgar positions are these? How dare you show us such a vulgar dance? Vishal sir, Anurag sir, why are you guys getting angry? This is completely inspired by you. Actually by the two of you.. We saw a video... And the two of you have taken such incredible positions in that video. We were flabbergasted! Rohan? Why don't you see the video for yourself.. See it and be double sure. Anurag sir, pink is so your color and Vishal sir, your hairy back. Have your wives seen this video? We were thinking of putting it up on Youtube. Huh? No? So tell me.. ..what do you think of our positions now? Wow! Yeah.. What? Team Diamonds is in! I think the judges have gone crazy! But don't worry, its your votes which will decide who goes into the... Ahh ahh ahh its your votes which will decide who goes into.. Hey my mike, my mike.. India, Be double sure. Give them a big hand. Welcome to PNB metlife presents, India finals- WDC! See the rules are extremely simple. 5 teams will perform here, and once the performances are over we will open the voting lines. Exactly one hour after that.. ..which ever team has the maximum votes that team will become- TEAM INDIA! And then that team will go to Dubai to take part in the World Dance Championship! Who will be Team India? Who is going to win over the heart of India? 7 minutes. You guys have 7 Minutes. Today, I am not going to tell you how to perform on stage. If you don't tell us who will? - Disturb not please! Okay.. Sorry. Who knows if we will be together after today, or not. Will we ever get an opportunity like this again, or not. But today! Stand up, mister! Today. Today if each dancer of this team dances the best that he ever has in his life... Then I swear by my mother no one can take these 7 minutes away from you. No one! Not even God! So now go and play! I mean dance! And remember... If you lose you lose but don't lose your respect! Come on, boys! Wow! What an original speech! Go get them! Give them a big hand, that's Team Angels! And now, coming up next on this stage.. ..are the eldest dancers of this competition. Give them a big hand-Team Diamonds. Hey, Nandu. Bloody Idiot! You've become a dancer boy! Who the hell will marry you now? Stupid! Yeah! "Chammiya Style." "Dance for me a little with that Chamiya style" "Look at me a little with that Chamiya style" "Get your body moving baby Chammiya Style" "Dance for me a little with that Chamiya style" "Look at me a little with that Chamiya style" "Get your body moving baby Chammiya Style" "Sometimes I am the monsoon" "The warm winds of June." "And I melt into your arms." "Sometimes I talk to myself" "Thinking of you, wrapping me up in your charms." "When the rhythm gets you going and you cant control it." "Feel the rush inside your veins and, lose yourself to dance." "Put your hands on your hips" "Lose yourself, take a trip." "Get a little naughty baby, dance like a Chamiya." "Put your hands on your hips" "Lose yourself, take a trip." "Let me be your hottie baby, dance like a chamiya" "Dance for me a little with that Chamiya style" "Look at me a little with that Chamiya style" "Get your body moving baby Chammiya Style, Chammiya Style" "Dance for me a little with that Chamiya style" "Look at me a little with that Chamiya style" "Get your body moving baby Chammiya Style" "Dance Like A..." "Dance Like A Chammiya!" Booo! Booo! Booo! No bottles! No bottles! Stop throwing please. Okay stop! Calm Down please. I understand your emotions! Please control yourself! Control! Calm down, Calm Down, Calm Down.. CALM DOWN! In one hour we will all know, who is Team India! The voting lines will shut at 6 pm sharp! So come on India pick up your Nokia phone and start voting now! Arraa.. raa.. raaa He's danced so badly! But I'm his mother I have to vote for him! Rohan! Rohan, what's going on? We should get all the votes before 6 pm! Charlie these crawlers are scrambling the data.. It's going to take some time for the data packet to upload.. This box is useless! Hey! Don't say anything about my lappy! Your lappy will get one slappy Hurry up! - Quiet, Tammy ! Just 2 minutes left for 6 pm.. ..after that votes don't count! I told you guys never to take this kid in our group. I'll give him one, Tammy? - Hurry up kid, hurrry up! Come on, come on, come on. Guys take it easy, don't worry. Guys.. Done! What is this? Votes! Let's go, let's go! I told you he's an intelligent kid. Well done, Rohan! Alright then. Ladies and gentlemen, PNB Metlife presents India finals WDC and now the moment that all of us have been waiting for is here! In front of you here, on this Nokia LED Screen, are the votes, and on the number one position we have... The Dance Angels! As expected. Quiet! And at the last position, is Team Diamonds, As expected. Rohan what's happening? See the damn score! C'mon be a sport! And what do we have here? Team Diamonds points are increasing! People are actually voting for them! I don't believe what's happening oh my god team diamonds is going up the chart. Quickly they've gone past the number 4 spot.. ..number 3 position.. I do not believe this Team Diamonds are now at the second position! God! This is going to be a really close fight and the difference in votes is diminishing.. And now as per my watch we have just ten seconds left! Alright guys, get ready! India countdown with me! 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. Winner! Yeah. How did this happen? ! I do not believe this. This is a miracle. Team diamonds has won! Our Nandu has won. But what do we do? Team Diamond is now Team India! And this is the team which will now go to Dubai for the world dance championship! India, What have you done? Charlie! We did it! Charlie I can't Believe that we've won! They are calling us! - Come on! In this world, there are two kinds of people... Winners and Losers. But life gives a second chance to every loser with which he can redeem himself. And this is just half the battle won.. The show's just begun my friend! I am beauty on duty Lola Kutty reporting live from the Atlantis Hotel in Dubai! Behind me is the Hungarian team It's like a hot dream. Oh this year we want to win! Well to do that you're gonna have to get past North Korea last year's champions oh speaking of which here they are- Team Korea! Team Korea! No soul, very danger! Dancing like robots only! Everyone come down... Let's go! Yes... Mr. Huyi Chuk? Mr. Huyi Chuk? Perfectly bad manners! Be the Indiawale. Oh my goodness, looks like Team India has just arrived. Be the Indiawale Go back home. Go back. Oh my God they are throwing things! I have never seen anything like it. People of a country stopping their own team from participating! It tastes sweet. Hey! Damn You! Team India! Welcome to Dubai! Actually, not welcome at all! Why you are here to shame us like this? You talk to me with some respect! Aye why we go? You home go! We are here to dance! Can't you see I am a dancer? Hey... Why are you hiding you coward? Throw now if you can. Reply them. Everybody settle down! Please. Enough! Enough! Enough! Enough! You guys, too. Quiet please. Wow! What a fantastic entry! Tammy? Nandu, Jag, go and pick up your bags! All of you. You as well. Please, go. Charlie, I was trying to stop the fight... You are a complete embarrassment! Means? - Huh! Tch! Are you a complete idiot? Oh India desk? Hello darling! Team India. Where are our rooms? Ahh... The rooms are only for the team members, not their families... Sorry, Uncle! Uncle? Arrey I am a dancer. Ahh...excuse me? Passports, official ID papers, Team India, Charlie. Ohh? Laila! Banana? Even I love bananas. I eat 12 everyday! Bananas? Turn please. You deaf mule it's Laila, not Banana. Thank you. Welcome! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Uh? Yes? An invitation from Mr. Grover. There's a party tonight you'll come right? Will you come? - Of course! So we'll be there, too. - Great! Nice bag. Bag? Ahh... This is nothing! You haven't seen my dresses yet! ^%$#@** - Chuck it! Thank you very much. Hey Chilly Chicken Wait! India incoming! You China. Me India. See this! Aloo Paratha, Baigan Bartha, Rasmalai... Karela! You Chopsuey, Hakka Noodle, Manchurian, fried rice? They aren't Chinese, they are Korean. Charlie, only their names are different, but they all look the same. You are extremely vulgar. Thanks! Hi Huh? Hi Hi, how are you, what is your name? Oro. No talking! Why is he so serious? Don't laugh! Meaning? He's saying don't laugh! Charlie, if we don't go to the party its okay... We have to go... And just the 4 of us will go. We won't take Mohini Nandu along. I get why Nandu can't come because Vikki Grover will be there. It's risky. But why can't Mohini come? It's not about if she can come or not? It's about how she will dress up! She'll wear her blingy flashy clothes Eeee! She's not a lady guys, she's a walking talking music video! Charlie! - No.. no.. no, Tammy! Its not about how dramatic she is it about how she carries herself, how she behaves, how she talks. Why does she even try talking in English? ! Charlie! 1 minute! If Nandu is a drunkard from Sangam Chawl. Then she too is an exotic dancer from a bar right? Yeah, what's the problem, Rohan? The problem is that she is standing behind you... Again! Ahh shoot! Okay? I'm a drunkard? She's a dancer? And you are the prestigious upper class? ! What's wrong in that? You're a drunkard I'm a dancer. And Charlie is the captain. We'll do as he says. Now, go to your room and sleep! Sleep! And practice tomorrow at 9 sharp! Stupid! Mohini don't feel bad about Charlie's... Every girl wants to be loved, respected and treated well. It's nobody's childhood dream to be a dancer in a bar someday! If it wasn't for my family problems.. ..I too would have gone to an English school... But fate had other plans. Fate is a bloody fickle thing! It can change sides anytime. Don't rub salt in my wounds by talking like Charlie... Charlie is naive, Mohini... He doesn't know how to talk to a girl... And you are the first girl who he likes so much... He does... But he's deaf in both ears as far as love is concerned... He can't hear his own heart's calling. How to make him hear it then? By exploding a bomb. Bomb? Hmmm. A huge bomb! Mohini Bomb! Hello my lovely... Muahh Hey...hey... Guys.. guys.. guys..! Vikki Grover! Good that drunkard didn't come here... If he was here he would have said... Hey same to same, color Xerox! Ehhh! Nandu what are you doing here? ! I told you not to get out of your room. No Hindustani! Suit Armani! You deserve to be slapped for this! Free wine, in this stomach of mine... Along with fried duck eat you mother... Shut up! Behave yourself! Put him under the table, give him his drink, here take this! How am I looking? Just like a Barbie! Correct... like my 'bhabhi'! (sister-in-law) Hello... What? Well, hello my beauty... I am Charlie. Jazzed up Nandu too? Yeah, team India I presume! Jhakkass (mind-blowing) Nandu huh? ! Good stuff! Jack-ass-Nandu? Jackass. Yeah. Nowadays we don't use terms like handsome, dude, charming... Its jackass now, right? Right, Jag? Right! And in India 'dudes' are called as 'Nandu'... Jhakaasnandu! Jhakaasnandu. Yeah jhakaasnandu, how do you do? Yeah, fine. How about a drink darling? - No, No, No! English huh? Mind blowing, let's go! Nandu, Jackass Nandu. I like it! It's very funny. Arey Mohini, ahh Mr. Jackass! I now give you, the magnanimous host for tonight's wonderful party Mr. Charan Grover! Charlie! We have to keep a low profile now. Its best if Grover doesn't notice us. Mr. Grover! Mr. Grover! Team India! Excuse me! ^%$##... Chuck it... That was close! Hell, No! But according to me, the most shocking team this year is... Team India you must have heard about us, surely... Team India. Of course! You were feeling ashamed to meet your own people, so we thought we'll come over and say hello. What's the matter Mr. Grover you won't welcome us? Talks of your welcome are echoing through Dubai! It must have been quite a welcome huh? It was quite a welcome, yeah! Mr. Grover, we Indians are like this only, If we like someone we give them our hearts and make them kings, and if we don't like someone then tomatoes. But there's one thing Mr. Grover, we don't look away while talking. They say that people who look away... have guilt in their hearts. Hey mister! - Mr. Kapoor take it easy. After all he is our guest, so what if its just for a few days... And we need to put up a great show hmm? Anyways going by their entry, I'm 100% sure their exit will be of another level! India has a track record whether its a team for the Olympics or a film for the Oscar.. ..they always send losers. You, what were you saying? Who will win WDC? I don't know who'll win but I know who'll lose... I think you should put your money on them. I promise you Mr. Grover, your happiness at seeing us here now, will be nothing compared to your grief once we are gone. What grieves me is that out of a country of 1.3 billion people, 'these' are the people that India has chosen. Don't you worry we are enough for you guys. "Hey, admit it or not." "We have style, yes we are the stars." "A little bit of this and a little bit of that." "Yeah whatever you say we are proud of who we are." "Its time for the world to recognize." "Or go ahead and try us on." "We're cool, we're smart, we're the kings of hearts." "Call us by our names, sing Indiawaale." "We can make your hearts sing, Indiawaale" "Winning is just our thing, Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess with the Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess with the Indiawaale." "We're the good guys, see?" "Yeah, we do it our way and we make our own destiny." "We don't care anyway." "Let them say what they want to say." "Yeah we do what we feel like." "Just as long as it feels right." "For friends in need we're friends indeed, we stand by them with our lives." "Call us by our names, sing Indiawaale." "We can make your hearts sing, Indiawaale" "Winning is just our thing, Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess with the Indiawaale." "We'll wrap you around our fingers, Indiawaale." "With one look, with just a single look." "In just a moment, we can win your heart." "This whole world" "Will be right at your feet." "If you're the person we choose to love." "We'll gladly leave the world behind." "For a space in your heart and mind." "Because when we love, we love forever." "And you can say that again!" "Call us by our names, sing Indiawaale." "We can make your hearts sing, Indiawaale" "Winning is just our thing, Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess with the Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess..." "We'll wrap you around our fingers..." "Do what you like, but don't mess with the Indiawaale." Sorry! How did Nandu change his clothes so fast? What a star! I feel so good after throwing up... Stop Burping! Bloody pig! I told you not to get this drunkard! And I told you not to leave him alone. It's all your fault! What? My fault? Why did you come to the party? Rubbish! Firstly, you didn't take care of me, and now you're fighting with Charlie? Think loudly, this deaf mule didn't hear a word. Rubbish! Firstly, you didn't take care of me, and now you're fighting with Charlie? I'd love to fight getphysicalwithhim . You Shut up! You pant down! Shhh! Guys! Don't think so loudly. Mohini will hear us! I'm more beautiful now by saying your name... Your name... Your name... Your name... Mohini! Your floor is here. That was quick! I want to... Eat you! Good nights! Not a word guys! Not.. a.. word! Tomorrow, I want to go over the plan again. Gentlemen! Welcome to Mission Merry Christmas! The Diamonds will be in Shalimar by tomorrow evening. Understood? Very good, Tammy. Rohan continue... Starting point of the mission Room 9C. Problem is, this room can be allotted to anyone. But I have allotted room 9C to team India! We are performing 3rd in the semi finals. There are 5 more performances after us. Which means we have a lot of time to rob the diamonds. Go get them! We will go on stage and perform. And the audience will go bananas. Story is over. Enjoy. After our awful dance me and Charlie will get into the duct. Aabraa... - Ka Dabraa! While I call Vikki Grover to lift. It's a piece of cake! Hello? Hello Mr. Vikki? ... Blah blah blah... Elevator 3. Come quick. Ok sir, right away! 2 seconds after entering the lift, Vikki is of no use to us. What we need are his fingerprints. Fooled you didn't I? I'm not Vikki! I am Nandu Bhide! Nandu Bhide is the Man! Now you watching me speaking English! English. English English! English. English. English! Let's open the biometric now. Aabraa Ka Daabraa! Meanwhile, Charlie Fatso will reach the other side of the Duct. Which I will open with my alien key. Charlie fatsowillcomein... Abraa ka Dabraa, Part 2! Well done soldier! Our mission is a success because of you! I will take Charlie Tammyaheadfromhere by disabling the laser shield! From here, the story is very romantic! Temhton Irani's Magic fingers and Shalimar's safe! Ho! Ho! Ho! Mission Merry Christmas! Uh, I have a doubt... You'll get in with Nandu's help but how will you get out? Just like the way we went in! No, Tammy... We can't go out the same way we come in. Shalimar is 150 feet below the ground.. ..we can go down the duct, ..but we can't climb back up. No. But, Charlie, if you don't get out within 5 minutes, the safe autolocks itself.. ..with you inside it! The walls are 6 inches of steel! And the mesh below has space enough only for oxygen pipes. How will we get out? Mummmaaaaaaa! How are we going to get out, Idiots! Jag will get us out. This deaf donkey? What did you think fatso? Am just a handsome face? Who told you you're handsome? Who told you you'll get out? Who told you you're not handsome? Someone tell me how we getting out please? Tammy I told you Jag will get us out. You don't trust me? I'm going to be there too! You'll be taken care of. Okay, you two tell me plan. Captain Charlie! We will get out of Shalimar and meet at room 9C. And we will sulk while we wait for the bad news! Bad news! Team India, you are eliminated. Oh no. The rules of the competition are that the losing team will be escorted to the airport with their baggage by the organizers personally. Bye! And we will fly back to India with the diamonds. And airport security? What are you guys doing? C'mon stand up guys, stand up. What's going on? So proud of you, Charlie. Genius! Pure Genius! Dad used to say... Keep it simple. Very simple! Alright? Come on ladies! Nandu? Huh? - Up! Ladies! Let's go practice! Make sure Nandu doesn't come here and misbehave like last night. Right! Night, not right! - Of course, night don't worry he's throwing up in the room. Mohini's taking care of him. Ok everyone, We have to act like we are rehearsing. Tammy, you lead. Okay, with the right! Myeongseong! Tradition! Jeontong! Excellence. Jing-ye! Discipline. Koreans have such words too. You're going to get it from me! He's a kid. Let him be alright. Hey. What? My team. Hey! My style. Charlie. - Charlie! You hurt? No... But my favorite glares broke. I'll get a new one. - Okay. Hey you! Glares! This Bruce Lee is thrashing him! See what our Jackie Chan does now! "Just see the Kung fu power." "Just see the Kung fu power." The fight isn't over yet, my friend! Sir, should we stop them? No. Put India against Korea in tomorrow's semi final dance off. Sir Korea's the best team and India's the worst. India will get eliminated in the first round itself! Exactly do it! Hey, Charlie. Charlie, come on. Charlie. Come up. Charlie, be careful. Charlie! Hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie. Charlie! Hey, Charlie, leave him. Leave his hand. Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I'm your host Dino Morea. Welcome to the final word in the world of dance, the Videocon... World dance championship! In the semi finals, 16 teams will compete against each other, one on one... Of which 8 teams will go through. These teams will be selected by our panel of international judges. So put your hands together for the first dance off between Team Mexico and Team Russia. How many times have I told you right hand! How does it matter which hand? We are going to lose anyway! Hey! It matters! If you lose you lose, but don't lose your respect! And I'll break your legs if you do your snake dance again. Don't say anything about my snake dance... - Shut up! Tammy uncle! - Yes, yes! Please lift Rohan properly today. All lectures for us? Nothing for Charlie? I'm telling him too... Excuse me! Yeah? Take care of your timing please! Sure! I feel really bad for her! She's the only one worried about the competition. Jag, Focus! Guys! Wow! What a brilliant performance! The next dance off is between a country that's reached here for the first time, my country- Team India! And the number one team of WDC, the defending champions- Team Korea! "Step ahead, let's see..." "Who is Faster, Fitter Stronger!" "Put your best foot forward," "My Friend!" "Don't know dancing and blames the platform." "Getting happy acting stupid." "Buffalo is going in the water." Buffalo's gone in the water! "If you are a hero, I am superhero." "If you are a hero, I am superhero." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." Come on. "How will a stupid know the value of diamonds?" "How will he?" "No one notices if you dance well in your room." "Exactly." "One, who has power, is the king." "One, who has power, is the king." But remember, 100 Goldsmiths equals 1 blacksmith! Meaning? 100 Goldsmiths = 1 Blacksmith! Wah wah! Wah wah! "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." Come on. - "All is well that ends well." "All is well that ends well." "All is well that ends well." "All is well that ends well." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." "I am feeling alright because it is night of nonsense." Hey.. Charlie. Charlie are you alright? Charlie.. are you alright? He fell down from such a height. India! India! India! India! India! India! Guys let's go. Mohini, Mohini. We are Sorry! Tammy got fits, Nandu went mad and I messed up completely. I am sorry we lost our respect. No, Charlie! It doesn't matter if we lose today... Because you won everyone's hearts. Charlie, take this... Key to room 9C. See you here in an hour? Uh yes I'll see you here. Why after an hour? Lets all sit together. Mohini wants to sit together... No.. no.. we can't do that... I'll go drop Tammy to his room else he'll collapse. I'll go take a shower and come. Shower, you? What's cooking guys? Actually, Mohini I need to use this green room. Someone's coming to meet me... Laila's coming. Laila? Shhh... Mohini? Come on, let's go. Come on, let's hurry up! C'mon guys! Guys, it's a go! Rohan? Tammy, here! Jag, Nandu, wear your burqas quick! Quick.. quick.. quick.. everyone. Keep a walkie on an open channel so everyone can hear what's going on. Aunty can you tie this for me please. Jag, Nandu. Get to the lift, quick! Ready, sister? - Yes. Rohan call up Vikki Grover. Yeah? Hello Mr. Vikki? This is security chief Alfredo speaking! Who? Come urgently. Room 2205. Beautiful girl. Very pregnant. Calling you now! What? Are you coming? Or I call daddy? No.. no.. no! Don't call dad! I'm coming! Yes? No, no, no, no. Rain check on tomorrow's meeting. There has been a change in plan. Dad's going to Pretoria tomorrow. Shhh... Tammy, one minute. Why is Grover going to Pretoria? The diamonds should have come from Pretoria by now. Means? Does that mean that the diamonds haven't reached here yet? Exactly! Oh you know, Customs! This paper that paper... All really very painful. Diamonds were supposed to come tonight.. ..but now they will come on 31st December. Damn! What? Yes, I know, it's New Year's Eve! And the finals of WDC! It's gonna be chaotic with a big K. Okay... See you! Tammy? Damn! Shit Man! It took us 6 months to... - Not 6 months, Rohan... 8 years! 8 years! I have been fanning this fire in my heart since 8 years! I have prayed for this, hoped for this, yearned for this day, When I see Charan Grover destroyed. And today after 8 years, that day had come! The perfect day. The perfect plan. The perfect revenge! The perfect everything! We have reached here.. ..And according to the plan we will be leaving in the next 10 minutes.. But empty handed. Mohini! Guys! They are calling us for the results. Yaa... Ladies Gentlemen, it's time! The results of the semi finals are in my hands. Out of the 16 teams that performed, only 8 winning Teams will go through to the finals to be held on new years eve. The losers unfortunately will spend their Christmas on a flight back home. And the 8 lucky teams are.. Spain! Congratulations, Team Spain! Our next finalist is- Brazil! The next finalist- UAE! We next have Team Hungary! And the next finalist is team Great Britain! And now we have Team USA! Well done team USA! And the last team to reach the finals is, Team- Korea! These are our 8 finalists. Thank you very much for everything and we shall now see you next on new year's eve. We judges would like to make an announcement. Ladies and gentlemen contestants. Our judges would like to say something. This is a special announcement. Guys, guys. Listen up! Thank you. Today on this stage we saw something that hasn't happened in the 10 year history of the world dance championship.... In the 10 years of WDC this has never happened before. A rare display of colossal courage and sporting spirit. A rare display of colossal courage and sporting spirit, We bow our heads in respect. We salute them. All of us together, salute this Team! This team took a huge risk. They put their performance second. This team was extremely daring took a risk! They gave up on their own performance to help a rival team. For another rival team, they gave up on their own performance. This quality must be rewarded. This quality must be rewarded. Because the spirit of dance is so much greater than any technique! We believe the world would not want to see this team go home yet. So we the judges have decided they deserve a second chance. So the judges have decided that they should get another chance. So hold on to your hearts for the first time ever a wild card entry into the finals of the World Dance Championship... Is Team... INDIA! Huh? Wake up! Wake up! Hey fatso! See this! Hey.. Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna! Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna! Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna! Breaking news, Team India are in the finals! Team India you beauty! Wo, Team India has.. Team India! We are proud of Team India.. Wow. Good days are here! Hail Lord Krishna. "Look, I don't mean to be rude." "But life is like a good girl with a bad attitude." "Damn I tried so hard, gave it all I could." "Finally, now she looks at me like she should!" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeah...yeah...yeaahhhh" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeah...yeah...yeaahhhh" "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "She is so simple," "But she knows exactly what she is looking for" "If I could ever have her" "I know she is exactly what I'm searching for." "She is what I need!" "But so hard to read" "She's complicated" "I'm intoxicated" "I drained the bottle not a drop left behind." "My mind's gone bonkers!" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohhh yeah, oh yeah.." Mohini Joshi's School of dance.. For small children, so that when a 6 year old dances, its out of passion.. ..not compulsion. How have you become so popular? Are you ready for the finals? "She is a little sweet." "And a little spicy." "Just to make her smile, I'd walk forever and a mile." "Damn I tried so hard, gave it all I could." "Finally, now she looks at me like she should!" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me." "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeah, ohh yeah... Ohh yeahhh" "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "Radhe, Radhe, Hail Lord Krishna." "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeahh...ohh yeahh..." Jhakkass Nandu! See how that moron is dancing? He has everything that should have been yours... "I've got a feeling.." "I've got a feeling.." Hey! All of you are scoundrels! Roaming around the whole day, and I can't even go to the loo without being in disguise. Mohini is so much better than you guys! She set me free! Haa, Mohini! What a sweet girl! Charlie, I was thinking that we should tell her the truth. Tammy, are you drunk? Charlie.. Me and Tammy have decided, why not include Mohini in our plan too? Oh wow, you guys have decided to tell Mohini our plan. Has anyone thought of the consequence? She will go tell the cops everything... Of course this is a Mohini Fan Club. Hmm pray tell me, how will you tell her? Say it frankly, don't be scared. Yes I think I'll go tell her. Hi Mohini, I am Charlie the thief! The Mastermind! Hmm.. I have made this plan. I mean who'd imagine... That 5 losers are here, not to dance in the competition.. ..but to steal millions worth of diamonds! Mission Happy New Year! And if your small, naive heart breaks because of us so you know what, we are big fans, don't tell the police.. ..you know we are very, very sorry! We are so.....! Shite! You don't look around before you start talking do you? Mohini! You heard what we are doing here.. ...you don't want to know why we are doing it? Please, please give me a chance. And then I told Mohini dad's entire story. Tammy, Jag and their friendship, And Charan Grover their enmity. I lost everything in one day.. ..and learnt that fate is a fickle mistress, It can change sides anytime! And on that day, I decided to ruin Charan Grover. What will you tell your father once you too are in Jail? You think he'll be proud of you? Dad's not in jail. Manohar's not in jail? Where is he? Dad had appealed in the Supreme court. However, Grover had bought over dad's lawyers.. ..tampered with the evidence.. ..and dad lost the case. They say a man can survive for 4 weeks without food, 4 days without water.. ..maybe 4 minutes without air.. But without hope? Even 4 seconds is impossible. Dad showed a lot of courage, Tammy! 24 hours later.. ..they found his body. He found a piece of blade, and he cut himself Tammy. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.... Charlie, Manohar is dead and you are telling us today? I wanted to tell you but I thought it will make you weak. We still had to destroy Charan Grover. And for revenge you need motivation. No motivation, No crime. Right, Tammy? You Idiot my motivation has doubled now! Yes! Grover, Grover, Grover.. No one can save him now! I'm going to kill him, Charlie! I want to... No.. no.. no.. jag. Killing him is not a solution. If he dies, he won't know how much dad had suffered. He has to die everyday, here in Dubai Jail. The law here is extremely strict. They cut off your hands for the smallest of robberies.. ..imagine what they will do to Grover if he is caught for stealing these diamonds? They will cut his limbs.. ..and still keep him alive. That will be his punishment, and that.. ..that will be justice. Super plan, Charlie! That a super plan. This isn't just a robbery for me it's like a memorial service for my father! Which I have denied myself for 8 years. If he himself tries to stop me, I I still won't budge! I'm going to do this... And if you guys don't want to come along, its okay, I will do this alone. You idiot! We've all been alone since 8 years! You got us together for this... And now you're talking About being alone again! ^%$*# Let it go Tammy! We will not let you go, Charlie. Come, Fatso.. Why are you standing there? Come here. Will someone tell me what do I have to do? The diamonds are here! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand finale of the Videocon- World dance championship! Tonight, the whole world is going to celebrate along with us... This is going to be one, Happy New Year! I thought we'll get the same room for the finals. Sorry guys, I messed up. How could you? You've messed up everything now! Guys... Not mess up... Throw up! What...? Stretches... Stretches... Hi everyone. Rohan how could you be so irresponsible? ! Disgusting! There is a strange man vomiting in our room! It's disgusting. Oh my God, open the door! Would you like to use our room? Oh thank you, you are an angel! Thank you so much! - Its ok! Thank you so much! Mention not! Hello, hello, Mohini come in. Hello, Can you hear me? You remember right? You have to get Vikki till the lift? Lift? I will drag him till hell if I have to! Vikki! Please help me Vikki! I can't find my room. I have to change my clothes, I promise I will change in front of you... You'll come, won't you Vikki? Ahh... Not Vikki. Nandu! Jhakkas... Nanduuuuuu! Mohini! You have to go in the lift on your right. Vikki... It's so hot here? I feel like taking my clothes off here and throwing them away! Rohan, what's going on? Charlie, Mohini is going to strip! Shut up. Keep the walkie down and get back to work. Mohini won't strip. Naah! Sure? Let's go! Penthouse! Wow! I am having like a killer Dejavu... Huh? You know Deja Vu? When you feel like all this has happened before? When did it happen? We tried but it didn't happen! Huh? ! Time to sleep! Good. He won't remember a thing now. Good Jag, take Vikki Grover to his suite and keep him there... And yes, get Nandu changed and send Mohini to room 9C. Over and out! Piece of cake my ass! Come.. come.. come Rohan. Let's get his butt moving! Hey! Bombil fry! Come in, Charlie. Go for Charlie! Nandu's left from there. Everything is under control.. Jag! Jag! Save me! I can't do this... Grover's commando's will kill me! Hello, Charlie! Come in! Hold on. Focus! Meaning? Jag! Give the walkie to Nandu! Hello? Who's this? Nandu this is Charlie here. Charlie! Charlie I cannot do this! I'm a weakling please I want to go back to my mother! Nandu... Nandu... You aren't alone! Johnnie is with you! Johnnie Lever? Johnnie lever? Your friend Johnnie! Check your pant's pockets. Nandu Bhide is the man! I'm going to get them! Let me at them! Hey... Nandu! That way! Yes. All sorted Charlie. Go get them! Vikki Grover... Access Granted. This is it, Tammy. 150 feet away Shalimar. Are you ready? You go first. No Tammy... Have you seen titanic? Yes! There was a dialogue in it... I am the king of the world? No not that one. You jump... I jump. Charlie... Charlie...my back side's on fire! Charlie! Tammy I'm here. I'm here Tammy! Right on top of you. Charlie are you ok? Ya ya ya...we are fine! Rubbish we're fine? ! My back side's scrapped! - Ssshhhhh! Okay.. okay.. okay! Nandu is in. Video loop is on. Now Shalimar security will see only what we show them. Which is nothing! 1... 2... Looks like Nandu's reached. Oh my God! Unbelievable. What? All okay? Nandu Bhide.. is the man. See this... Nandu Bhide.. is the man. Charlie he is... He is what? What.. what? Will someone tell us what's happening. Shhh... Rohan tell me what Nandu is doing? We're losing time here. Nandu is opening...it... Ohhh Goddess! Let's go, Tammy. Lights off! Yeah! Why are you naked? Tammy! Nandu, wear your shorts, shut the panel, and leave, Rohan... disable the lasershield! Let's go! Why is he naked? It's his personal choice... Tehmy... Jag get ready for time-sync. Hairspray, Tammy? Rohan! Lasershield's are still up! Just a minute, Charlie Just a minute! Just a minute. We don't have a minute! Do it now! 3, 2, 1! 5 minutes guys! 5 mins, Tammy! Starts now. Jag, switch the water pipes with the oxygen pipes. Tammy! Tammy! - It's me. Tammy! Damn this faatsoo! Tammy... Tammy! Oh God! Hold him down, Charlie. He'll be alright. I know he'll be alright. C'mon Tammy! Oh God! Not now! Not now! Tammy! How much time Charlie? 3 minutes left, Tammy. Sorry. C'mon Charlie... I got a safe to crack! I did it! I did it! Well done, Tammy! Yes! Yes! And we have 2 minutes left. I am a genius. I am a genius. Tammy, will you marry me? Anytime. Let's go. What's this, Charlie? What now? There's another safe here... A Glass one. Most probably re-enforced glass or rayon thermoplastic. Alpha coded. 7 digits password... Why you wasting time, Charlie! If it's a glass safe, Break it and take the diamonds! Shut up, Nandu! This opens with a 7 letter password... If we put in the wrong password, the alarm will go off. Dammit... dammit... dammit. Dammit! I underestimated Grover. I don't know anything about this safe. But I do. Charlie this is Manohar's safe too. Dad's? It has Manohar's mark on it. Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Manohar's bulletproof Glass safe? Yes, yes that one! Jag, Jag, Jag, any password or mastercode? Tell me Quick.. quick.. quick. Password? Manohar never told us the password. Whenever we asked him about it, He would say... Only Charlie can open this! He told you anything? I am seeing this safe for the 1st time. Okay... Charlie you need to move out right now. You've got one minute Charlie then the safe will shut! I don't know, I've never seen this before. Charlie... Charlie... Charlie! Charlie please get out of there... Come on Charlie... Charlie! Only Charlie can open it... C'mon! Charlie let's go please. Come on, Charlie, think, Charlie! Hurry up! Quiet guys...quiet...quiet.. quiet! One sec I know... I know! Let it go, Charlie, forget it, Charlie. Dad...dad...dad... help me here... 7 digit code... Only Charlie can open it... What does it mean? Come on, Charlie Sshhh! Only Charlie can open this safe. Yeah. Only Charlie can open it. Guys I'm going for it. C... H... A... R... L... I. Only Charlie can open it... E! Charlie! Dad always said keep it simple! We did it Tammy. Grover! You are finished! Rohan, Vikki Grover's woken up! Dammn... How did he wake up? okay...okay...okay... Plan B. Everybody initiate... PLAN B. Guys, Plan B! Let's go, guys! Listen I'm off to the Jetty, explain Plan B to her. Nandu? - Mohini! Rohan? We lied to you. I know Rohan... We lied again yesterday... What we told you was just plan A. Whenever I initiate plan B, Everyone will come here to this jetty immediately. In 15 minutes, we will leave in this yellow flag boat and we will be in international waters soon... Away from their police and the law. Safe and sound. But Charlie, won't the cops get Suspicious if we disappear? They will suspect Vikki Grover. They will find his fingerprints at Shalimar, and the commando's will re-confirm that Vikki Grover had come. Right! Yeah sure. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. Charlie hurry hurry fast fast! Yeah, come on. Charlie, the door is shutting, Charlie, the door is shutting, Charlie, how will we go out? Breathe...breathe! - Charlie, how will we go out? Breathe... breathe! Damn you tell me how are we getting out? Shhh...shhh! Yeah? See... We are flying out? Nope. Swim out! Jag do it! Yes, Charlie. Charlie, water.. Charlie, water! Water... water... You didn't tell me about the damn water! Jag ya... Good rate, the water is coming in at a good rate. Very good. Keep the oxygen pipes ready.. We are good to go. What are you doing? I have to make do with what I have, It's a floatation device! What's going on? It all looks fine. What the hell! It's a loop! It's a video loop. The water's rising, Charlie! Tammy don't worry. It's rising... It's rising! Mr. Kapoor... Shalimar right now! We are going to drown, Charlie! Okay Tammy... Hold your breath... Now! Jag change the pipe. Let's go guys... C'mon fast! Tammy okay? Sir I've checked all the systems Everything seems.. Something's wrong! Charlie, got it? Okay guys we are done here! There is a breach of security... How is it possible? Vikky Grover... Access Granted. Grover? Where are our diamonds? It's impossible. I think it's...it's a setup man! And a very clever one at that! Only you and your son can enter this place. You told us so yourself! What's behind this? What's behind this? Sir, some old A/C ducts.. ..but these are shut since years! Open it. Open it! Where does this duct go? Where does this duct go? I was really scared, Charlie! I thought you guys won't turn up at all! I was going to leave alone! Hey Rohan's here. Rohan, why have you come alone? Where's Mohini? Where is Mohini? My mom used to say, the most important thing in life, is respect. Mohini! Let's leave before it gets too late! You go Rohan, I am not coming. Mohini, Are you freaking nuts! Mohini, please don't do this. You'll get caught if you back out now. Mohini, it's too late... It is too late, Rohan! The whole world is rooting for India today.. ..and India has put their faith in us. India will lose its face respectIfwe don'tdancetoday. And If you lose you lose, but don't lose respect! You go, Rohan. - Mohini? ! Go! Great! One less Share. Let's leave.. Let's go. Not one.. Two. Charlie, I just came here to tell you guys that both me and Mohini won't be coming. All the best to you, guys. I am sorry. Not two three. Wait Rohan. I'm coming too. Hey.. ...have you lost it? You keep changing the plan all the time! Have you gone mad? You are Mad! You will never improve you drunken wastrel! Shut up! He's all yours. Hey why you getting irritated at him. Relax. Relax? Charlie, relax? What sort of people are you? That poor girl is risking her life to fight for our respect, for India's respect.. And we will just leave her and go? You have lost the plot. If we go back then everyone gets arrested! Stick to the plan! Take your bloody plan, make a trumpet out of it and shove it up your muscular bum! Tammy! - Hey don't touch me. Tammy - It's my decision. What are you doing! Hey! My decision! This is wrong, we are a team guys. This is wrong! We have got one chance to do something right in our lives! No, Tammy! What are you two doing? ! Stop. You are sick. Okay, get in here. This room belongs to which team? Which team? Sir last minute, Team India! This is the one. This is the one. Move this, move this. Marco... open this panel. Rohan put this up properly. Make sure that you seal the panel completely. Are you sure? Yes, Rohan. We will never come back this way. Never. Where is the show director? Sir, I need you to find Team India wherever they are! Just 1 last act left in the grandest dance competition the world has ever seen! The last act by a team that came here with zero expectations. Guys! Team India is missing! Worldwide.. I just knew it. I tell you, in 10 minutes they will reach the airport with your diamonds. This team is..... India! That's right, my favorite team- TEAM INDIA! "I've got a feeling.." Come on, Mohini! "I've got a feeling.." "A feeling in my heart." "That you are.." "The one in my soul, in my life, in my dreams.." "..from the start." "I've got a feeling!" "A feeling in my heart" "I'll give you my soul, and my life and we'll never" "Be apart." This is just the girl! Where's the rest of the team? Where are the boys? "Radhe, Radhe!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeah...yeah...yeaahhhh" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "A little bonkers!" "As luck is favoring me" "My mind's gone bonkers!" "Completely, utterly bonkers!" "Ohh yeah...yeah...yeaahhhh" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" "Radhe, Radhe! Hail Lord Krishna!" INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! INDIA! We want Charlie! We want Charlie! We want Charlie! We want Charlie! We want Charlie! We want Charlie! We are from a land, With plenty of disruptions, With news full of scams and corruption! Where the common man suffers from poverty and hunger. Yet no matter what, Ours is not to question why, We'll give our lives to keep our Flag flying high! "We are the captains of our destiny" "We know the glory of victory" "We are friends to our friends." "And defeat to our enemies." "Try as you like, you'll never stop us." "We are risen, you'll never top us." "When we come together" "Fate is just a formality." How the hell is it possible? ! "We don't want anything from the world." "Just a place in everyone's hearts" "For friends in need we're friends indeed" "We stand by them with our lives." "Call us by our names" "Call us by our names, Indiawaale" "We can make your hearts sing, Indiawaale" "Winning is just our thing, Indiawaale." "Do what you like, but don't mess...." "We'll wrap you around our fingers...." "Do what you like, but don't mess with..." "The Indiawaale." "I've got a feeling" "Call us by our names, sing Indiawaale." "We can make your hearts sing, Indiawaale" "We are the captains of our destiny" "We know the glory of victory" "We are friends to our friends" "And defeat to our enemies." "Try as you like, you'll never stop us." "We are risen, you'll never top us." "When we come together" "Fate is just a formality." Get him. How dare you? ! Leave me! The Winner of WDC... ..by the Highest margin of votes is Team India! - Did I not tell you.. ..that there are just 2 kinds of people in the world. Winners and Losers. Our lives today, gave us losers this Saccharine moment, where we have won the hearts of the world and emerged victorious! And fate fate is a beautiful thing, and if you back your dreams with an iron resolve, it will change sides for you. You had put money on us losing hadn't you, Grover? So how much money did you lose? 1 million? 5 million? 10 million? Or... 50 million dollars? Who are you? I am Manohar's Son. Manohar's son? ! Yeah. Who Manohar? It's a really long story. Both of you will have lots of time in jail.. Ask your father.. ..who his father was. Nandu you cannot deposit this cheque in a bank! Anyways the real loot is here.. Be careful, Charlie. Coming through! Thanks. Ice gone... Diamonds gone... We worked so hard... For nothing! So what? We got a cheque of $ 1 million its not enough? The diamonds were worth 50 million in the grey market! What will we do with 1 million? We will make a huge safe.. Which even we can't crack into! After all, these 50 million dollar diamonds can't be in this trophy forever, can they? ^%$**... Chuck it, guys! It's a setup! Where are my Diamonds! Where are my Diamonds! "I don't know the ABCD of dance." "Still, the world wants me to dance." "I have never touched whisky in life." "Still everyone says that I am drunk while dancing." "Simple guy when dances zealously.." "..people says that.." "The guy is drunkard." "Drunkard." "Drunkard." "People says that I am drunkard." "Drunkard." "Drunkard." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "What I haven't done in 364 days." "That I did just on the day of New Year." "What I haven't done in 364 days." "That I did just on the day of New Year." "I got little high and danced. So people said.." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Drunkard.." "Drunkard.." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Drunkard.." "Drunkard.." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Someone came in modern pant." "Some with expensive scents." "Someone came in modern pant." "Some with expensive scents." "You don't know dance." "You don't know dance." "This six pack man doesn't know dance." "This six pack man doesn't know dance." "Visit the clubs someday, there'll be many girls." "Daily they spend on vodka and drinks." "No one says anything to these girls.." "But all are after me." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "On one peg I dance like Govinda." "On two pegs, I dance like Jitendra." "On three pegs, I became drunkard Bachchan." "On four pegs, I dance like Dharmendra." "Dance like Dharmendra." "Dance like Dharmendra." "Girls get crazy watching me dance." "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" Second runner up is E. P. .. "Why people call me drunkard?" First runner up is.. Editor. "Drunkard." "Drunkard." And the winner of the World Dance Championship of Happy New Year is.. Camera department. "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" "Why people call me drunkard?" Help. Previously on Helix... - What's your name? - Jaye. I did this. I've been here before. Oh, my God. Just shut up and go right now! They'll kill you, but they won't kill me. - You stole me from my parents. - Daniel... My name is Miksa. How long have you known about your tumor? The vectors, they took Peter up into the ducts. (vector shrieking) - Look at you. Your symptoms are gone. - I'm cured. - How? - I don't know. Dr. Walker is no longer your concern. She's now the property of the Ilaria Corporation. - You can't just appropriate a human being. - Oh, but I can. Ah! (footsteps) (quiet clatter) (clatter in air duct) (silence) (vector shrieking) (vector shrieking) (stun baton zapping) (vector shrieking) You okay? - That was a close one. - Yeah, but it worked. The good news is, we only needed one of them. Let's get him to the cryo lab for testing. Next time, you can be the bait. One vector. One vector. We've hardly seen any since Peter was taken. Where'd they all go? I must insist you return upstairs. This exercise is too dangerous. On the contrary, level R seems... almost abandoned. Any idea how 50 vectors just... disappear? He came from in here, right? Sarah: Yeah. - And we're on the bottom level of the base? - Yes. Then why is there air coming up from below? This isn't the bottom level, is it? What's down there? Tell them everything. Or I will. Tell me what? Level X. Level X. There's a... What is on Level X? The virus vault. That's where we keep all our original core samples. You have original samples of NARVIK? A and B strains? Of course he does. He created them. Come with me. You engineered... an apocalypse virus? I was never going to deliver it. That doesn't matter! Ilaria wanted a virus and a cure. I used them to create something more beneficial. Like creating smallpox to cure cancer? If I didn't, they would have hired another lab, one that might have given them the virus. Without me, You'd be dealing with a billion bodies by now. No, you don't get to play the hero. What you've done is unconscionable. - Sutton was a much greater evil. - Was? What happened to her exactly? She is... no longer a problem. What's coming next is far worse than Sutton. - What do you mean? - Sutton was just a messenger. Next, they will send an army. They will not stop until they have the virus. Then we need to get down there And destroy the virus before Ilaria get their hands on it. Show them. Daniel: Just give me a second to pull up the image. - Sure, where is it? - You have a lot of explaining to do. - I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you. - You goddamn drugged me! Tell me about the picture. The one of us. I couldn't have been more than six years old. We have met before. When you were a child. - Then you knew my mother? - Of course. She was extremely talented. A top-notch cellular biologist. And yet you asked me about her just the other day, pretending you'd never heard of her. Your mother was one of the finest scientists I ever met. A great mentor. She was also... a dear friend. I visited her several times in Montana. That's when that photo was taken. How is that photo even possible? It was 30 years ago. You look ex... I was a very young man. So it's just a coincidence that I'm here, at your base, all these years later? Coincidence, karma, fate... Call it what you wish. (door buzzer) You still here? Why didn't the old lady let you go? Seems she had different plans. Too bad she won't be here to see the shit-storm Crash down on this place. In two days, Ilaria's gonna drop in, full force. Yeah? Hope we're here to see it. Shouldn't be a problem. Aren't you supposed to be some kind of Houdini with locks? Most locks. But they added an electromagnetic seal after I got out last time. Meaning what? I can get the door unlocked, But I can't get it to move, genius. Daniel: Level X was here long before we were, - it'll be here long after we're gone. - What was it? The remains of an abandoned Russian trading post from the 1850s. I'll pull up the security cameras. Sarah: Oh, my God. Alan: At least now we know where all the vectors went. They are attracted to heat. The vault has its own power supply. - Is the vault secure? - Solid as a rock. So, how do we get down there to destroy what's left - of the NARVIK samples? - There is a secure staircase. I will go down. Like hell you will. I don't trust you anywhere near that virus. And how do you plan to get past the vectors? We already know the halothane gas doesn't work on them. I don't know... yet. Guys, take a look at this. Daniel: What are they doing? Sarah: It's swarm behavior, Like bees in a hive. They're all drawn to something. Or someone. (vectors growling) (Peter coughing) (Peter roaring) (banging against window) (vector roaring) I don't know what you're trying to accomplish. We got better results with the racal suits. You have racal suits for every vector on this base? Yeah, good point. - Ready for the cold stuff? - Yeah. (gas hissing) (victor chuckles.) Look at that. CFC gas puts 'em in a state of paralysis. That ought to do the trick for the vectors downstairs. Yeah, there's just one problem: I don't have enough gas to hit the whole floor. I won't be needing the gas. Well, how are you gonna get the temperature down? You gotta hit at least, what, -40 to see any results? It's -50 outside. (victor laughs.) Sure. So, what, they're gonna follow you right out? Hey, that'd be a hell of a snowball fight. I'm bringing the outside to them. Why don't you just bang your head against it? Probably just as effective. Better that than getting murdered. I don't think Hatake works that way. He's hyper-efficient. Killing us causes more problems than it solves. At least for now. Then we have a chance, if we can hold out until Ilaria blows the hell out of this place. They don't know we're down here. If they blow up the base, we're locked inside. We gotta let them know, man. Maybe we can... light a signal fire or something. You keep thinking, Klein, 'cause that's what you're good at. Hey, I just want to be standing at the end of this. Not like Sutton or that Inuit bitch. - What about the Inuit girl? - Sutton sent a squad down to kill her and burn her whole village to the ground. No loose ends. We'll have no way of communicating Between the mechanical room and level X. The walls are too thick, so everything will have to be perfectly timed. Daniel will prep the base while Hatake and Jordan take the power grid offline. Then Julia and I will make the descent to level X to destroy the core virus. I should go with you and Julia. You can't. I need you to keep an eye on Hatake. It's just flipping switches. I don't trust him with Julia. - Alan, let me go down there alone. - Are you crazy? There were two vectors in the ducts and they didn't attack me. Peter didn't attack me either. We still don't know why they do - or don't do anything. - Shit. - You all right over there? - Uh, yeah. My zipper's just caught. Take this. Just in case. She won't need it, you will. Make sure the boilers and the forced air system are turned off in sequence. One. - Two. - Three. - This is three. That's four. - Sorry. - Three, four. - Then... It has to be perfectly timed. If the power's still on when Julia and I get to level X, Then the vectors will still be active, and we don't want that. Step two: Daniel and his security team will distribute thermal blankets to as many uninfected as possible. Now, it's 28 minutes maximum. That should be survivable, but after that hypothermia will start to set in and we'll start losing people. A survival blanket. Ha! Ha! You want to feel real cold? You should try working here for a while. Oh, what, no takers? How about a paycheck? Haven't had one of those in a while. Step three: Julia and I will descend Hatake's private staircase - at exactly 0200. - Mark. (system voice): Access granted. And at the same time, you and Sarah turn off the power grid. We flood the base with all that outside air and freeze the vectors in place. (Hatake): Now. Now! Ok. - One! - Two! Three! Four! When the blowers stop, the pressure will change, and then the hot air will rise up and out as the cold air sinks down to the bottom of the base. (labored breathing) Hiroshi, I'm gonna die soon. And nothing I did will ever matter. I... I accomplished nothing. I left nothing behind. It will be like I never even existed. Dr. Jordan? Can you hear me? And I worked so hard, but it doesn't matter. Can you hear me? How do you think we'll know if your plan worked? If we're not... Attacked and infected when we get to this level X, then it worked. (system voice): Emergency power active. Emergency power active. What the hell, man? Are they here already? - No. It's too soon. - What do you think it is? Opportunity. I thought you said you couldn't break the electromagnetic thingy. Not with the power on, Einstein. Alan: We'll have 28 minutes tops to destroy the core virus and get back upstairs before the heat comes on. Cold. It'll get worse. Keep moving. Alan, if this doesn't work... If this doesn't work, we burn the base to the ground with everyone in it. Everyone? Even Peter? Even Peter. But if we destroy the base, how do we get home? We don't. Jesus. Eighteen minutes. Keep moving. (vectors breathing quietly) (system voice): Access granted. Oh, my God. There are too many. Ebola Zaire. Ebola Reston. Rift Valley fever. What the... Marburg, Lassa... Spanish flu. They've got more strains here than we do at the CDC. Wait. Don't put them back. Jules, we don't have time. We have to find the NARVIK. We have 11 minutes, all right? That's less time than we need. You want to leave all these for Ilaria? (incinerator roaring) (warning alarm sounding) We should go upstairs, hunker down and wait for reinforcements. - I'll take my chances outside. - It's suicide out there. - I have to. - I'm not leaving the base. No, you're not. Have you ever seen death? Ever stared it right in the face? Do you know what that's like? No. I thought it would be a dark and empty hole. But it's not. It as bright as day and it's filled with all the things you never did in your life. Dr. Jordan. We are almost at the hypothermic limit. Please! It's almost time! I'll never cure the incurable. I'll never crack an RNA code, I'll never win the Seaborg. And I'll never have children. (Sarah hyperventilating) Doctor! Doctor? Dr. Jordan? Son of a bitch. Yersinia pestis. This is the Black Death. Plague of Justinian. Cocoliztli. Sweating sickness. It's like a who's who of mass epidemics in here. NARVIK. It's gone. - Someone got here before us. - Maybe it was misplaced. (watch beeping) We're out of time. - No, no, no, no, not yet. - Jules, we don't have time. - Wait, wait. - Jules. Ok. No, no, no, no, no, we don't have time. They're waking up! (snowmobile failing to start) Aw, shit! If you shoot me, you kill your sister and your brother. Tell me. Sutton sent a squad to track down Anana and burn the village. Bullshit. We rounded up all her men. Apparently not. It's the truth. Believe me. Why do you care? Because at some point, it just has to stop. Now, you can shoot me, but I'm still going. No, you're not. We're going. Keep going. Don't stop. Don't worry about me. (Alan grunting with effort) (vectors growling) (pounding on door) - Wait. - Come on! - Alan, those are my initials. - We don't have time! Alan, those are my initials. I did that. - How? - I don't know, but I'm here for a reason. And I have to go down there. Are you sure about this? I was a little girl, maybe six or seven, but my mother brought me to this place. She knew Hatake. Why didn't you ever tell me? I thought I was just hallucinating from the virus, but it was like a repressed memory, something I didn't want to know until now. Jules, that door will not hold forever. If we go down there, we may not come back up. I'm not asking you to come with me. I'm not asking your permission. (pounding on door) (pounding on door) This is it. This is why I'm here. You're sure? (light switched on) Oh, my God. Jules, what is this place? Where are we? Home. - What's wrong? - The trail's gone. I thought you people were supposed to be good at this tracking shit. Our people can't track anything through the blowing snow in the middle of the night. Our people are also really good at not being followed. - Anana. - You two make more noise than a rutting caribou. My snowmobile threw a track. I saw your lights about two miles back. Thought you were part of those Ilaria assholes. That's why we're here. Sutton sent a death squad after you. A group came by here about three hours ago. How many? Three snowmobiles, five riders. Are they on their way to the village? As far as we know, with orders to terminate. We need to go now! You told me you spent summers in Montana. I did. Apparently also here. But why would Hatake build an exact replica of my mother's cabin? Seems like something you'd have told me by the third date. It looks exactly the same. How? The question is: Why? Why bring a six-year-old girl here? Why build a fake cabin to make her think it was home? I don't know. Well, what do you remember about your mother? Hardly anything. She died when I was young. Well, think, Jules. There must be something. Peter said something to me. Peter spoke to you? When I was hallucinating, he said, "it's about you, Julia. It's always been about you." Might have been your subconscious talking. Or it might be the reason we're all here. We have to go. (binoculars scanning) About 15 civilians being loaded into a trailer. Why would they do that? My guess is they're gonna set it on fire. Less to clean up that way. - Easy! - No, I am not gonna let them burn to death! Neither am I. We just can't go strolling in there. - You gotta think like a soldier. - He's right. We're outnumbered and outgunned. - Can you get us close? - Oh, yeah. - Come on, keep moving. - Get going! Go on! Go on! Let's go! Get in! Hey, you missed one! Caught her out around the perimeter about to snipe your ass. We checked the perimeter. We didn't see anyone. - Sir. - We didn't see anyone, sir. Miksa? Hey, that's one of them! He works for me. I'm with him. I don't know any stupid Eskimos. (Tulok spits.) Alan, I'm sorry I never told you. Alan's not here. But... you're going to be ok. The surgery didn't work. It was too close to the spinal cord. Grade IV metastatic. As soon as we get back to Hatake's office, I'm gonna find out... (door creaking) (vectors growling) - Jules... - Get right behind me. - Stay close. - What are you doing? Trust me on this, Alan. - Go upstairs. Go. - Jules, come... I'll hold them back. (shrieking) - Go ahead, finish him. - Wait a minute. Let him do it. Sir, our orders are no headshots, In case the skulls are dug up after we burn them. Oh. You mean like this? (gunshots) (both panting) - Jules, how did you do that? - I don't know, I just did. - But how did you know? - Ever since my recovery, I've felt, uh... different. I mean, my eyes changed, but that's not all. I don't know how to explain it, but, uh... The vectors seem to have lost interest in me. - More like they're afraid of you. - Maybe they were. I have so many questions. We both know who has the answers. - Brother. - Brother. Don't ever call me Eskimo again. (door buzzer) (system voice): Level B. - Sarah. What happened? - I should be asking you. How could you not know she had a grade IV spinal tumor? A spinal tumor? Is she symptomatic? She suffered a seizure about 20 minutes ago. Her pulse is weak, thready. I want to get her into the ICU as soon as possible. We can hook her into the life support we used on Peter. So, where is the core virus? Gone, or never there. That's... impossible! Given the last nine days, you may want to remove that word from your vocabulary. How did you not know? You didn't know, right? Maybe I didn't want to know. I saw all the signs. - The tremors, the morphine. - You can't blame yourself. Except if I had known, I would have done the same thing. I needed her on the job more than I needed her healthy. - She's really good, Alan. - She has the spark. - We have the spark... - Sarah? Alan, wait for me. Wait for me until I finish my training. Sarah, just... Just relax. Try to sleep, all right? Sleep with me again, Alan. Maybe you should, uh... Maybe I'll... I'll get her stabilized. - Of course. - And... And you can... Jules. It's fine. We're divorced, remember? You knew my mother, you built a replica of my childhood cabin. None of this is coincidence. Who the hell are you? This was one of the happiest days of my life. Me, you... and your mother. That's Jaye. - But my mother's name was... - Jane. Or to a four-year-old, Jaye. I've waited for this day longer than you could possibly know. - I was... afraid. - Of what? Rejection. I wanted you to... know me, But it was never the right time. What are you saying? The cabin is not a replica. That's not possible. - You never lived in Montana. - No, that's not possible. Who are you? You have... Your father's eyes. Did we ever play with those... little cars? Hot wheels. All the time. Was there a white one with, um... the doors that opened... - Like wings? - Yeah. Up, not out. Heh. Like wings. That was my favorite. - You punched me for it once. - Ha! Ha! Ha! (Tulok laughing) Yes, I did. Even? (door opening) We need to talk about what's coming next. Ilaria will... (groaning in pain) (Anana): Ugh. (Balleseros groaning) - You idiot. Sit. - We don't have any time. You can't save the world if you're bleeding to death. This is why women will always be the stronger sex. We know when to sit. ♪ all around me are familiar faces ♪ ♪ worn out places ♪ ♪ worn out faces ♪ ♪ bright and early for their daily races ♪ ♪ going nowhere, going nowhere ♪ ♪ their tears are filling up their glasses ♪ ♪ no expression, no expression ♪ ♪ hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow ♪ ♪ no tomorrow, no tomorrow ♪ ♪ and I find it kinda funny ♪ ♪ I find it kinda sad ♪ ♪ the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had ♪ ♪ I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take ♪ ♪ when people run in circles, it's a very, very ♪ ♪ mad world ♪ ♪ mad... ♪ [♪♪♪] [CLATTERING] [SCREECHING] [♪♪♪] [STUN BATON CRACKLING AND VECTOR SCREECHING] You okay? That was a close one. Yeah, but it worked. Good news is, we only needed one of them. Get him to the cryo-lab for testing. Next time, you can be the bait. ALAN: One vector. One vector. We've hardly seen any since Peter was taken. Where'd they all go? I must insist you return upstairs. This exercise is too dangerous. On the contrary, Level R seems... almost abandoned. Any idea how 50 vectors just... disappear? [♪♪♪] He came from in here, right? SARAH: Yeah. We're on the bottom level of the base? Yes. Then why is there air coming up from below? This isn't the bottom level, is it? What's down there? Tell them everything, or I will. Tell me what? Level X. Level X. There's a...? What is on Level X? The virus vault. It's where we keep all our original core samples. You have original samples of Narvik? A and B strains? Of course he does. He created them. Come with me. You engineered an apocalypse virus? HATAKE: I was never going to deliver it. That doesn't matter. Ilaria wanted a virus and a cure. I used them to create something more beneficial. Like creating smallpox to cure cancer? If I didn't, they would have hired another lab, one that might have given them the virus. Without me, you'd be dealing with a billion bodies by now. No, you don't get to play the hero. What you've done is unconscionable. Sutton was a much greater evil. SARAH: Was? What happened to her exactly? She is no longer a problem. What's coming next is far worse than Sutton. What do you mean? Sutton was just a messenger. Next, they will send an army. They will not stop until they have the virus. [♪♪♪] [♪♪♪] Then we need to get down there and destroy the virus before ilaria get their hands on it. Show them. DANIEL: Just give me a second to pull up the image. SARAH: Sure, where is it? You have a lot of explaining to do. I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you. You goddamn drugged me. SARAH: Go right ahead. DANIEL: Yeah, here we go. Tell me about the picture. The one of us. I couldn't have been more than 6 years old. SARAH: This place is massive. DANIEL: This is the main problem. We have met before, when you were a child. Then you knew my mother? Of course. She was extremely talented. A top-notch cellular biologist. And yet you asked me about her, pretending you'd never heard of her. Your mother was one of the finest scientists I ever met. A great mentor. She was also a dear friend. I visited her several times in Montana. That's when that photo was taken. How is that photo even possible? It was 30 years ago. You look exa... I was a very young man. So it's just a coincidence that I'm here, at your base, all these years later? Coincidence, karma, fate. Call it what you wish. [SIGHS] [DOOR BUZZES] You still here? Why didn't the old lady let you go? Seems she had different plans. Too bad she won't be here to see the shitstorm crash down on this place. In two days, ilaria's gonna drop in, full force. Yeah? Hope we're here to see it. Shouldn't be a problem. Aren't you supposed to be a Houdini with locks? Most locks. They added an electromagnetic seal after I got out last time. Meaning what? I can get the door unlocked, but I can't get it to move, genius. [GRUNTS] DANIEL: Level X was here long before we were. It'll be here long after we're gone. SARAH: What was it? Remains of an abandoned Russian trading post from the 1850s. I'll pull up the security cameras. SARAH: Oh, my God. ALAN: At least now we know where all the vectors went. HATAKE: They are attracted to heat. The vault has its own power supply. Is the vault secure? Solid as a rock. So how do we get down there to destroy what's left of the Narvik samples? There is a secure staircase. I will go down. Like hell you will. I don't trust you anywhere near that virus. And how do you plan to get past the vectors? We already know the halothane gas doesn't work on them. I don't know yet. Guys, take a look at this. DANIEL: What are they doing? SARAH: It's swarm behavior. Like bees in a hive, they're all drawn to something. Or someone. [♪♪♪] [♪♪♪] [GAGGING] [GROWLS] [SCREECHES] [VECTORS GRUNTING] Don't know what you're trying to accomplish. We got better results with the Racal suits. You have Racal suits for every vector on this base? Yeah, good point. Ready for the cold stuff? Yeah. [GAS HISSING] [ADRIAN CHUCKLES] ADRIAN: Look at that. CFC gas. Puts them in a state of paralysis. That ought to do the trick for the vectors downstairs. Yeah, there's just one problem. I don't have enough gas to hit the whole floor. I won't be needing the gas. How are you gonna get the temperature down? You gotta hit minus 40 to see any results. It's minus 50 outside. [LAUGHING] Sure. So, what, they're gonna follow you right out? Hey, that'd be a hell of a snowball fight. I'm bringing the outside to them. [♪♪♪] Why don't you just bang your head against it? Probably just as effective. Better that than getting murdered. I don't think Hatake works that way. Huh? He's hyper efficient. Killing us causes more problems than it solves. At least for now. Then we have a chance. If we can hold out until ilaria blows this place. They don't know we're down here. If they blow up the base, we're locked inside. We gotta let them know, man. Maybe we can light a signal fire or something. Keep thinking, Klein, because that's what you're good at. Hey, I just wanna be standing at the end of this. Not like Sutton or that Inuit bitch. [♪♪♪] What about the Inuit girl? Sutton sent a squad down to kill her and burn her whole village to the ground. No loose ends. ALAN: We'll have no way of communicating between the mechanical room and Level X. The walls are too thick, so everything will have to be perfectly timed. Daniel will prep the base while Hatake and Jordan take the power grid offline. Julia and I will make the descent to Level X to destroy the core virus. I should go with you. You can't. I need you to keep an eye on Hatake. It's just flipping switches. I don't trust him with Julia. Alan, let me go down there alone. Are you crazy? Vectors in the ducts didn't attack me. Peter didn't attack me either. We still don't know why they do or don't do anything. Shit. You all right over there? Uh, yeah. My zipper's just caught. [CLATTERING] Take this. Just in case. She won't need it, you will. [♪♪♪] ALAN: Step one, Hatake and Jordan familiarize themselves with the power grid. Make sure the boilers and the forced air system are turned off in sequence. One. Two. Three. This is three. That's four. Sorry. Three, four. Then... ALAN: It has to be perfectly timed. If the power's still on when Julia and I get to Level X, the vectors will still be active, and we don't want that. Step two, Daniel and his security team will distribute thermal blankets to as many uninfected as possible. Now, it's 28 minutes maximum. Should be survivable, but after that, hypothermia will start to set in, and we'll start losing people. Survival blanket. Ha, ha. You wanna feel real cold? You should try working here for a while. Oh, what, no takers? How about a pay check? Haven't had one of those in a while. ALAN: Step three, Julia and I will descend Hatake's private staircase at exactly 0200. Mark. [♪♪♪] AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted. ALAN: At the same time, you and Sarah tum off the power grid. We flood the base with all that outside air, and freeze the vectors in place. HATAKE: Now. Now. Go ahead. One. Two. Three, four. ALAN: The blowers stop, the pressure will change, then the hot air will rise up and out as the cold air sinks down to the bottom of the base. [♪♪♪] [ALARM BLARING] Hiroshi, I'm gonna die soon, and nothing I did will ever matter. L... I accomplished nothing. I left nothing behind. It will be like I never even existed. Dr. Jordan? Can you hear me? And I worked so hard but it doesn't matter. Can you hear me? [♪♪♪] JULIA: How do you think we'll know if your plan worked? ALAN: If we're not attacked and infected when we get to this Level X, then it worked. AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PA]: Emergency power active. Emergency power active. What the hell, man? Are they here already? No, it's too soon. What do you think it is? Opportunity. Thought you couldn't break the electromagnetic thingy. Not with the power on, Einstein. ALAN: We'll have 28 minutes tops to destroy the core virus and get back upstairs before the heat comes on. Cold. It'll get worse. Keep moving. Alan, if this doesn't work... If this doesn't work, we burn the base to the ground with everyone in it. Everyone? Even Peter? Even Peter. But if we destroy the base, how do we get home? We don't. [♪♪♪] [♪♪♪] Jesus. Eighteen minutes. Keep moving. AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted. [♪♪♪] Oh, my God. There are too many. ALAN: "Ebola-Zaire, Ebola-Reston. Rift Valley fever." What the...? "Marburg, Lassa, Spanish flu." They've got more strains here than we do at the CDC. Wait, don't put them back. We don't have time. We have to find the Narvik. We have 11 minutes, all right? That's less time than we need. You wanna leave all these for ilaria? [FIRE ROARING] [ALARM BLARING] [♪♪♪] We should go upstairs, hunker down and wait for reinforcements. I'll take my chances outside. It's suicide out there. I have to. I'm not leaving the base. No, you're not. [♪♪♪] Have you ever seen death? Ever stared it right in the face? Do you know what that's like? No. I thought it would be a dark and empty hole. But it's not. It's as bright as day and it's filled with all the things you never did in your life. Dr. Jordan, we are almost at hypothermia limit. Please, it's almost time. I'll never cure the incurable. I'll never crack an RNA code, I'll never win the Seaborg. [♪♪♪] And I'll never have children. [WATCH BEEPING] [GASPING] Doctor? Dr. Jordan? [♪♪♪] Son of a bitch. "Yersinia pestis." This is the Black Death. "Plague of Justinian." "Cocoliztli." "Sweating sickness." It's like a who's who of mass epidemics in here. Narvik. It's gone. Someone got here before us. Maybe it was misplaced. [WATCH BEEPING] We're out of time. Not yet. Jules, we don't have time. JULIA: Wait, wait. ALAN: Jules. JULIA: Okay. No, no. We don't have time. Wait, please. They're waking up! [♪♪♪] [ENGINE SPUTTERING] Aw, shit! [BOTH GRUNTING] If you shoot me, you kill your sister and your brother. Tell me. Sutton sent a squad to track down Anana and burn the village. DANIEL: Bullshit. We rounded up all her men. Apparently not. It's the truth. Believe me. Why do you care? Because at some point, it just has to stop. Now, you can shoot me, but I'm still going. No, you're not. We're going. [♪♪♪] [♪♪♪] [VECTORS GROWLING] Keep going, don't stop. Don't worry about me. Wait. Come on! Alan, those are my initials. We don't have time! Alan, those are my initials. I did that. [POUNDING ON DOOR] How? I don't know, but I'm here for a reason, and I have to go down there. Are you sure about this? I was a little girl, 6 or 7, but my mother brought me to this place. She knew Hatake. Why didn't you tell me? I thought I was hallucinating from the virus, but it was a repressed memory. Something I didn't wanna know, until now. Jules, that door will not hold forever. If we go down there, we may not come back up. I'm not asking you to come with me. I'm not asking your permission. [♪♪♪] [POUNDING ON DOOR CONTINUES] [VECTORS GROWLING] [♪♪♪] This is it. This is why I'm here. You're sure? Oh, my God. [♪♪♪] ALAN: Jules, what is this place? Where are we? Home. What's wrong? The trail's gone. I thought you were supposed to be good at tracking. Our people can't track anything through the blowing snow in the night. Our people are also really good at not being followed. Anana. You two make more noise than a rutting caribou. My snowmobile threw a track. I saw your lights about 2 miles back. Thought you were part of ilaria. That's why we're here. Sutton sent a death squad after you. A group came by about three hours ago. How many? Three snowmobiles, five riders. They on their way to the village? As far as we know, with orders to terminate. We need to go, now. [♪♪♪] You told me you spent summers in Montana. I did. Apparently also here. But why would Hatake build an exact replica of my mother's cabin? Seems like something you'd have told me by the third date. It looks exactly the same. How? The question is, why? Why bring a 6-year-old girl here? Why build a fake cabin to make her think it was home? I don't know. What do you remember about your mother? Hardly anything. She died when I was young. Well, think, Jules. There must be something. Peter said something to me. Peter spoke to you? When I was hallucinating, he said: "It's about you, Julia. It's always been about you." Might have been your subconscious talking. Or it might be the reason we're all here. We have to go. [♪♪♪] About 15 civilians being loaded into a trailer. Why would they do that? My guess is they're gonna set it on fire. Less to clean up that way. [DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE] Easy. I'm not gonna let them burn to death. Neither am I. We just can't go strolling in there. You gotta think like a soldier. He's right. We're outnumbered and outgunned. Can you get us close? Oh, yeah. MAN 1: Come on, keep moving. MAN 2: Keep going! Go on! Go on! Let's go! Get in! Hey, you missed one! Caught her around the perimeter about to snipe your ass. We checked. We didn't see anyone. Sir. MAN 3: We didn't see anyone, sir. Miksa? Hey, that's one of them. He works for me. [CHUCKLES] ANANA [IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]: Stay down! [ANANA SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Please, Tulok. Stay down! I'm with him. I don't know any stupid Eskimos. [SIGHS] Alan, I'm sorry I never told you. Alan's not here, but you're going to be okay. The surgery didn't work. It was too close to the spinal cord. Grade 4 metastatic. [♪♪♪] As soon as we get back to Hatake's office, I'm gonna find out... [DOOR OPENS] [♪♪♪] [VECTORS GROWLING] Stay back, Peter. [VECTORS GROWLING] [♪♪♪] Get right behind me. Stay close. What are you doing? Trust me on this. Go upstairs. Go. Jules... I'll hold them back. [SCREECHES] MAN: Go ahead, finish him. BALLESEROS: Wait a minute. Let him do it. [♪♪♪] Sir, our orders are no headshots, in case the skulls are dug up after we burn them. Oh. You mean like this? [♪♪♪] [PANTING] How did you do that? I don't know, I just did. But how did you know? Ever since my recovery, I've felt different. I mean, my eyes changed, but that's not all. I don't know how to explain, but the vectors seem to have lost interest in me. More like they were afraid of you. Maybe they were. I have so many questions. We both know who has the answers. [♪♪♪] Brother. Brother. Don't ever call me Eskimo again. [DOOR BUZZES] AUTOMATED VOICE: Level B. Sarah. What happened? I should be asking you. How could you not know she had a grade 4 spinal tumor? A spinal tumor? Is she symptomatic? She suffered a seizure about 20 minutes ago. Her pulse is weak, thready. Get her into the ICU as soon as possible. We can hook her into the life support we used on Peter. So where is the core virus? Gone or never there. That's impossible. Given the last nine days, you may wanna remove that word from your vocabulary. [♪♪♪] How did you not know? You didn't know, right? Maybe I didn't wanna know. I saw all the signs, the tremors, the morphine. You can't blame yourself. Except if I had known, I would have done the same thing. I needed her on the job more than I needed her healthy. Shes really good, Alan. She has the spark. We have the spark. Sarah? SARAH: Alan, wait for me. Wait for me until I finish my training. Sarah, just relax. Try to sleep, all right? Mm. Sleep with me again, Alan. Maybe you should, uh... Maybe I'll get her stabilized. Of course. And then, you can... Jules. It's fine. We're divorced, remember? [DOOR CLOSES] JULIA: You knew my mother. You built a replica of my childhood cabin. None of this is coincidence. Who the hell are you? [♪♪♪] This was one of the happiest days of my life. Me, you... and your mother. [♪♪♪] That's Jaye. But my mother's name was... Jane. Or to a 4-year-old, Jaye. I've waited for this day longer than you could possibly know. I was afraid. Of what? Rejection. I wanted you to know me, but it was never the right time. What are you saying? The cabin is not a replica. That's not possible. You never lived in Montana. No, that's not possible. Who are you? [♪♪♪] You have... your father's eyes. [♪♪♪] Did we ever play with those little cars? Hot Wheels. All the time. Was there a white one with the doors that opened-l? Like wings? Yeah. Up, not out. Heh. Like wings. That was my favorite. You punched me for it once. [LAUGHING] Yes, I did. Even? [DOOR OPENS] We need to talk about what's coming next. ilaria will... [GROANING] ANANA: You idiot. Sit. We don't have any time. You can't save the world if you're bleeding to death. This is why women will always be the stronger sex. We know when to sit. [♪♪♪] ♪ All around me are familiar faces ♪ ♪ Worn-out places ♪ ♪ Worn-out faces ♪ ♪ Bright and early for the daily races ♪ ♪ Going nowhere ♪ ♪ Going nowhere ♪ ♪ Their tears are filling Up their glasses ♪ ♪ No expression ♪ ♪ No expression ♪ ♪ Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow ♪ ♪ No tomorrow ♪ ♪ No tomorrow ♪ ♪ And I find it kind of funny ♪ ♪ I find it kind of sad ♪ ♪ The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had ♪ ♪ I find it hard to tell you ♪ ♪ I find it hard to take ♪ ♪ When people run in circles It's a very, very ♪ ♪ Mad world ♪ ♪ Mad ♪♪ [♪♪♪] Ripped By mstoll Narrator: Previously on helix... What's your name? Jaye. I did this. I've been here before. Julia: Oh, my god. Just shut up and go right now! Alan: They'll kill you, but they won't kill me. You stole me from my parents. Daniel. My name is miksa. How long have you known about your tumor? Sarah: The vectors, they took peter up into the ducts. (vector shrieking) Look at you. Your symptoms are gone. I'm cured. How? I don't know. Dr. Walker is no longer your concern. She's now the property of the ilaria corporation. You can't just appropriate a human being. Oh, but I can. Ahhh! (footsteps) (clattering) (clanging) (silence) (clattering) (clanking) (vector shrieking) (shrieking continues) (clanging) (stun baton zapping) (panting) You okay? That was a close one. Yeah, but it worked. (sighs) The good news is, we only needed one of them. Let's get him to the cryo lab for testing. Next time, you can be the bait. Alan: One vector. One vector. We've hardly seen any since peter was taken. Where'd they all go? I must insist you return upstairs. This exercise is too dangerous. On the contrary, level r seems... Almost abandoned. Any idea how 50 vectors just... Disappear? (sighs) Alan: He came from in here, right? Sarah: Yeah. And we're on the bottom level of the base? Yes. Then why is there air coming up from below? This isn't the bottom level, is it? What's down there? Tell them everything. Or I will. Tell me what? Level x. Level x. There's a... What is on level x? The virus vault. Daniel: That's where we keep all our original core samples. You have original samples of narvik? A and b strains? Of course he does. He created them. Come with me. You engineered... An apocalypse virus? Hatake: I was never going to deliver it. That doesn't matter! Hatake: Ilaria wanted a virus and a cure. I used them to create something more beneficial. Like creating smallpox to cure cancer? If I didn't, They would have hired another lab, One that might have given them the virus. Without me, you'd be dealing with a billion bodies by now. No, you don't get to play the hero. What you've done is unconscionable. (scoffs) Sutton was a much greater evil. Sarah: Was? What happened to her exactly? She is... No longer a problem. What's coming next is far worse than sutton. What do you mean? Sutton was just a messenger. Next, They will send an army. They will not stop Until they have the virus. (theme music playing) Then we need to get down there And destroy the virus Before ilaria get their hands on it. Show them. Daniel: Just give me a second to pull up the image. Sarah: Sure, where is it? You have a lot of explaining to do. I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you. You god damn drugged me! Tell me about the picture. The one of us. I couldn't have been more than six years old. We have met before. When you were a child. Then you knew my mother? Of course. She was extremely talented. A topnotch cellular biologist. And yet you asked me about her Just a few days ago, pretending you'd never heard of her. Your mother was one of the finest scientists I ever met. A great mentor. She was also... A dear friend. I visited her several times in montana. That's when that photo was taken. How is that photo even possible? It was 30 years ago. You look ex... I was a very young man. So it's just a coincidence that I'm here At your base, all these years later? Coincidence, karma, fate Call it what you wish. (sighs) (door buzzes) (door opening) (door closes) (buzzer sounds) You still here? Klein: Why didn't the old lady let you go? Seems she had different plans. Too bad she won't be here to see the shitstorm crash down on this place. Klein: In two days, Ilaria's gonna drop in, full force. Yeah? Hope we're here to see it. Klein: Shouldn't be a problem. Aren't you supposed to be some kind of houdini with locks? Most locks. But they added an electromagnetic seal after I got out last time. Meaning what? I can get the door unlocked, But I can't get it to move, genius. Daniel: Level x was here long before we were. It'll be here long after we're gone. Sarah: What was it? The remains of an abandoned russian trading post from the 1850's. (beeping) Daniel: I'll pull up the security cameras. Sarah: Oh, my god. Alan: At least now we know where all the vectors went. Hatake: They are attracted to heat. The vault has its own power supply. Is the vault secure? Solid as a rock. So, how do we get down there To destroy what's left of the narvik samples? There is a secure staircase. I will go down. Like hell you will. Alan: I don't trust you anywhere near that virus. And how do you plan to get past the vectors? We already know the halothane gas doesn't work on them. I don't know... Yet. Guys, take a look at this. Daniel: What are they doing? Sarah: It's swarm behavior, Like bees in a hive, they're all drawn to something. Or someone. (vectors growling) (peter coughing) (peter roaring) (shrieking) (panting) (banging against window) (vector roaring) I don't know what you're trying to accomplish. We got better results with the racal suits. You have racal suits for every vector on this base? Yeah, good point. Ready for the cold stuff? Yeah. (gas hissing) (victor chuckles) Victor: Look at that. Cfc gas puts 'em in a state of paralysis. That ought to do the trick for the vectors downstairs. Yeah, there's just one problem. I don't have enough gas to hit the whole floor. I won't be needing the gas. Well, how are you gonna get the temperature down? You gotta hit at least, what, minus 40 to see any results? It's minus 50 outside. (laughs) Sure. So, what, they're gonna follow you right out? Hey, that'd be a hell of a snowball fight. I'm bringing the outside to them. Balleseros: Why don't you just bang your head against it? Probably just as effective. Better that than getting murdered. I don't think hatake works that way. Hmm. He's hyper efficient. Killing us causes more problems than it solves... At least for now. Then we have a chance, if we can hold out Until ilaria blows the hell out of this place. They don't know we're down here. If they blow up the base, we're locked inside. We gotta let them know, man. Maybe we can... Light a signal fire or something. You keep thinking, klein, 'cause that's what you're good at. Hey, I just want to be standing at the end of this. Not like sutton or that inuit bitch. What about the inuit girl? Sutton sent a squad down to kill her And burn her whole village to the ground. No loose ends. Alan: We'll have no way ofcommunicating Between the mechanical room and level x The walls are too thick so everything will have to be perfectly timed. Daniel will prep the base While hatake and jordan take the power grid offline. Then julia and I will make the descent to level x to destroy the core virus. I should go with you and julia. You can't. I need you to keep an eye on hatake. It's just flipping switches. I don't trust him with julia. Alan, let me go down there alone. Are you crazy? There were two vectors in the ducts And they didn't attack me. Peter didn't attack me either. We still don't know why they do... Alan: ... Or don't do anything. (whispering) shit. You all right over there? Uh, yeah. My zipper's just caught. (door closing) Take this. Just in case. She won't need it, you will. Alan: Step one. Hatake and jordan familiarize themselves with the power grid. Alan: Make sure the boilers andtheforcedair system Areturnedoffinsequence. One. Two. Three. This is three. That's four. Sorry. Three, four. Then... Alan: It has to be perfectlytimed. If the power's still on when julia and I get to level x, Then the vectors will still be active, and we don't want that. Alan: Step two. Danielandhissecurityteam Willdistribute thermalblanketsto as many uninfectedaspossible. Now,it's28 minutes maximum. That should be survivable, but after that hypothermia will start to set in And we'll start losing people. A survival blanket. Ha! Ha! You want to feel real cold? You should try working here for a while. Oh, what, no takers? How about a paycheck? Haven't had one of those in a while. Alan: Step three. JuliaandIwilldescend hatake'sprivatestaircase Atexactly0200. Mark. System voice: Accessgranted. Alan: And at thesametime,you and sarah turnoffthepowergrid . We flood the base with all that outside air And freeze the vectors in place. Hatake: Now. Now! Okay. One! Two! Three! Four! (beeping) (clanking) Alan: Whentheblowersstop, thepressurewillchange, Andthenthehot air willriseup andout As the cold air sinks down to the bottom of the base. (labored breathing) Hiroshi, I'm gonna die soon. And nothing I did will ever matter. I... I accomplished nothing. Sarah: I left nothing behind. It will be like I never even existed. Hatake: Dr. Jordan? Can you hear me? And I worked so hard, but it doesn't matter. Can you hear me? (footsteps) Julia: How do you think we'll know if your plan worked? If we're not... Attacked and infected when we get to this level x, Then it worked. System voice: Emergencypoweractive. Emergencypoweractive. What the hell, man? Are they here already? No. It's too soon. What do you think it is? Opportunity. I thought you said you couldn't break the electromagnetic thingy. Not with the power on, einstein. Alan: We'll have 28minutestops todestroythecorevirus Andgetbackupstairs beforetheheatcomeson. Julia: Cold. It'll get worse. Keep moving. Alan, if this doesn't work... If this doesn't work, We burn the base to the ground with everyone in it. Everyone? Even peter? Even peter. But if we destroy the base, how do we get home? We don't. (clattering) Jesus. Eighteen minutes. Keep moving. (vectors breathing quietly) System voice: Accessgranted. Oh, my god. There are too many. Alan: Ebola zaire. Ebola reston. Rift valley fever. What the... Marburg, lassa... Spanish flu. They've got more strains here than we do at the cdc. Wait. Don't put them back. Jules, we don't have time. We have to find the narvik. We have 11 minutes, all right? That's less time than we need. You want to leave all these for ilaria? (incinerator roaring) (warning alarm blaring) We should go upstairs, hunker down and wait for reinforcements. I'll take my chances outside. It's suicide out there. I have to. I'm not leaving the base. No, you're not. (klein groans) Have you ever seen death? Ever stared it right in the face? (hatake breathing heavily) Sarah: Do you know what that's like? No. I thought it would be a dark and empty hole. But it's not. It as bright as day and it's filled with All the things you never did in your life. Dr. Jordan. We are almost at the hypothermic limit. Please! It's almost time! I'll never cure the incurable. I'll never crack an rna code, I'll never win the seaborg. (sobbing) and I'll never have children. (beeping) (sarah hyperventilating) Hatake: Doctor! Dr. Jordan? Son of a bitch. Alan: Yersinia pestis. This is the black death. Plague of justinian. Cocoliztli. Sweating sickness. It's like a who's who of mass epidemics in here. Narvik. It's gone. Someone got here before us. Maybe it was misplaced. (watch beeping) We're out of time. No, no, no, no, not yet. Jules, we don't have time. Julia: Wait, wait. Alan: Jules. Julia: Okay. No, no, no, no, no, we don't have time. They're waking up! (snowmobile sputtering) Balleseros: Aw, shit! (groans) If you shoot me, you kill your sister and your brother. (panting) Tell me. Sutton sent a squad to track down anana and burn the village. Bullshit. We rounded up all her men. Apparently not. It's the truth. Believe me. Why do you care? Because at some point, it just has to stop. Now, you can shoot me, But I'm still going. No, you're not. We're going. (engine starting) (vectors growling) (groans) Keep going, don't stop. Don't worry about me. (growling continues) (pounding on door) Julia: Wait. Come on! Alan, those are my initials. Alan: We don't have time! Alan, those are my initials. I did that. How? I don't know, but I'm here for a reason. And I have to go down there. Are you sure about this? I was a little girl, maybe six or seven, But my mother brought me to this place. She knew hatake. Why didn't you ever tell me? I thought I was just hallucinating from the virus, But it was like a repressed memory, Something I didn't want to know until now. Jules, that door will not hold forever. If we go down there, we may not come back up. I'm not asking you to come with me. I'm not asking your permission. (pounding continues) (julia panting) This is it. This is why I'm here. You're sure? (light switch clicking) Oh, my god. Jules, what is this place? Where are we? Why would he make a canvas version of a painting on wood? The Vatican Library holds a valuable collection of Leonardo's writing called the Codex Urbinas. In his "Treatise on Painting," Leonardo devotes an entire chapter to techniques for working with canvas. He clearly researched and possibly tried his hand at painting on canvas. Could the Isleworth "Mona Lisa" be the result of one of these experiments? An X-ray of the painting offers a clue. LUX: If you look at X-rays of paintings by Leonardo or his contemporaries, they all have a blurry appearance. This is caused by the lead white in the preparation layer, and this lead white blocks the X-rays. If you look at the X-ray of the Isleworth "Mona Lisa," you see a very clear image, and this shows that there is more or less no lead white in the preparation layer. Leonardo and his contemporaries more or less always used lead white in the preparation. NARRATOR: But perhaps not always. In his "Treatise," he describes in detail how to prepare a canvas for painting, but never mentions the use of lead white. The omission is peculiar, but perhaps not for a man always on the edge of innovation. KEMP: What scientific examination is telling us about Leonardo's technique is it's very variable. It's almost as if he tackles each picture on a new basis. NARRATOR: When painting on wood, a base layer of lead white brightens and enhances the colors. It's essential for achieving the 3-dimensional effect Leonardo realized with the "Mona Lisa." But his mastery of mixing and applying the colors was an art form in itself. KEMP: What we do see, though, is his ability to control oil glazes, these very thin layers of color, and to lay them on top of each other in a way which is not disastrous, because if you lay drying pigment on top of pigment that isn't dry, you get all sorts of trouble. Leonardo's technique relied on perfect preparation. [Leonardo grumbling in Italian] All pigments in his studio had to comply with his exacting standards. Not every color made the cut. Leonardo's distinct use of color could have left clues hidden in his work, an artistic signature that could accurately trace a painting to the master. One man is convinced he can find it. At the University of California in San Diego, research physicist John Asmus is one of the few people in the world to examine both "Mona Lisas." He believes he can identify the hand of a genius by comparing the statistical characteristics of color and brightness. ASMUS: When a forger does a copy or a copyist does a copy, something of that copyist's technique finds its way into the painting, and a casual observer says, "These two paintings are the same." But if you look at the statistics and the numerical variations on those statistics, you always find differences, so we digitized both of the "Mona Lisas" and we compared the statistics of the pixels-- their intensities, their standard deviation, their distributions-- and we thought that this would be a way of scientifically validating what connoisseurs see when they look at these two paintings. Analyzing the scans pixel by pixel, Asmus compares the flow of light and color, right down to the individual brush stroke. Even he is stunned by the results. And we found that the histograms for the two "Mona Lisas" are virtually identical. You could switch them in front of me, and I couldn't tell which was which. If you look at the statistics of this, I would say that it's 99% certain that the two "Mona Lisas" were done by the same artist. NARRATOR: If the results are correct, why would Leonardo da Vinci have painted the same subject twice? The answer might be found in Rome, where, late in life, Leonardo perfected his technique. NICHOLL: We don't really fully know what he was experimenting on in the Belvedere in Rome, but it seems to have been some idea of, as he put it in one note, "capturing sunlight," and has probably contributed much to his rather dubious reputation in Rome as something approaching a sort of magician or a shaman. Many experts believe Leonardo's superb handling of light, color, and shadow reached the peak of perfection in his final work, a picture of Saint John the Baptist. It was most likely commissioned by Pope Leo X. Leonardo's companion Salaí is thought to have served as the model for the saint. Today, the picture hangs in the Louvre, alongside two other works: "The Virgin and Child with Saint Anne," from the same period, and the "Mona Lisa." In all 3, he used his famous sfumato technique to mimic how the human eye perceives subtle changes in color and light. NICHOLL: Leonardo in Rome was experimenting with finer and finer glazes and varnishes, which he used to layer again and again over the paint surface, creating that sort of shimmering, mirage-like quality. And Leonardo, particularly in Rome, in his later years in Rome, was working almost like an alchemist on the preparation of these very subtle oils and varnishes. And indeed, the Pope, Leo X, the Medici pope who was there in Rome at the same time and who had rather a jaundiced or skeptical view of Leonardo, complained about the fact that he was always at work on his sort of chemical pots and pans, producing these varnishes, when he should be getting on with the painting. Well, of course, Leonardo would perhaps have replied, "I am getting on with the painting because this is an essential part of the operation." Was the "Mona Lisa" also painted in this late period of artistic refinement? In the "Mona Lisa," when he comes to do that, everything is working. You know, it's-- everything works: the veils, the transparency, the opaque pigments. He's got it all under control, so this, begun probably in 1503, is a point of complete mastery after all the experimentation. PASCAL COTTE: The "Mona Lisa" from the Louvre consists of up to 30 super-fine films of paint with so many layers, the naked eye can no longer see individual brush strokes. Is it possible Leonardo wanted to try his new technique on an old work he had abandoned long ago? Perhaps he saw the original as a failed experiment on canvas. Now he could re-create the alluring Florentine woman in all her magnificence, using his recent artistic advances. The similarities between the two portraits even go beyond the obvious. Though the size of the Isleworth is larger, the framing wider, when the scale is adjusted, the figures are exactly the same size, with identical proportions. The biggest difference between the two paintings is, in fact, not their appearance, but their condition. In contrast to her look-alike in the Louvre, the passage of time has left little trace on the Isleworth "Mona Lisa." LUX: The unusual thing, looking at this painting, is the nearly perfect condition. You only have some tiny losses, minor retouches, no damages of e painting surface. On all pieces of art I have worked on as a restorer, or I have done researches, they're looking completely different, much more damaged because of the time. So my impression is that this painting is-- couldn't be 500 years old. It seems unfathomable that the Isleworth "Mona Lisa" could have been stored under perfect conditions for 500 years... remaining completely unknown to the world until an art dealer stumbled across it just when the Louvre "Mona Lisa" went missing. LUX: So it needs a lot of explanation to bring this... painting into the direction of being a Leonardo. The easy explanation, I think, is that it's not done by Leonardo. Others say if Leonardo painted one, he painted them both. ASMUS: The weight of the evidence is that it had to be done by the same artist with the same hand, using the same technique. Some believe the "Mona Lisa" mystery has been solved. For others, there is still not enough evidence to say for certain. Even with the most sophisticated science, it's not easy to outwit a genius, whether prankster or prodigy. "Mona Lisa" may never divulge her secrets. SERACINI: There is no way today that-- no exam, no sets of exams, no single scientist, no group of scientists that today will be able to identify the artist who made any work of art, including Leonardo. possible in part that today will be able to identify by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and by contributions to your PBS station from... ANNOUNCER: The "Secrets of the Dead" investigation continues online. For more in-depth analysis and streaming video of this and other episodes, visit pbs.org. This "Secrets of the Dead" episode is available on DVD for $24.99 plus shipping. To order, call 1-800-336-1917. Previously on Homeland... Sandy's death was no act of mob violence. It was premeditated. The ISI killed him. Straight out. Name's Farhad Ghazi. A long history of wet work for their counterterrorism unit. Hello, Professor. I am the husband of the American ambassador. - What do you want? - I've told you already. A package arrives at the FBI headquarters in Washington, DC. Inside are the documents you stole from your wife's computer. You're arrested for treason, and your wife's career is destroyed by association. Once you've done all I've asked, you can leave Islamabad. You did the psych eval, too? I just have my very last polygraph, then I'm out. Well, I guess I'm even more grateful that you're here now. Anything for you, Carrie. Is that the real reason you didn't come with me to Kabul? Haissam Haqqani's alive. Well, it... That's impossible. He was killed in the air strike. Apparently not, because I just saw him walk out of a madrassa with Aayan Ibrahim. He was with Aayan? So this is where you'll stay. I thought... I thought we were going to London. We are, once I get you a passport and a visa. It'sAlice in fucking Wonderland. Where are you? I'm at a safe distance. ...clipped an artery. Hold on. I know a way. First, the US found and killed Osama Bin Laden outside Pakistan's... You will die over there! Youcan't keep snakes in your backyard and expect them only to bite your neighbors. Therearethings that the Pakistanis have done, as complicated as the relationship has been. God! I'm so sorry. I have to say good-bye now. Just for a few more seconds. Homeland - 4x05 "About A Boy" Oh. I-I was just, uh... - Looking. - No. Yeah. Sorry. It's okay. Um... I... Sh... Should I leave? Leave? No. No. Let's have breakfast. I'll get us something. Uh, I'll go. It's best you stay out of sight. You all right? Yeah. A bit overwhelming. Yeah. You like pastries, coffee? Sure. Good. I'll see you soon. _ _ _ _ _ _ Go check out the view. Yup. It's good. That's right where I saw Haqqani. Okay. Make yourself comfortable. We really expect him to show his face again? Doubtful, but we might ID the cleric you saw him with. What's that for? In case Haqqani does show. I thought this was just a stakeout. It is, but things happen. If that happens, what's our fallback plan? Parvez and Qadir are working that out now. That sounds vague. Fara, what's the problem? Carrie said I just had to sit in an office, play a journalist. Then you went the extra mile. You tailed Aayan, and you spotted Haqqani. Yeah. You're in it now. Great. Guess what. You're good at it. I got to say, it feels funny to be leaving just when things are heating up. You're the former director, Saul. Lockhart needs to hear it from you. Keep his mouth shut. He's taking a lot of heat for the strike on the wedding. He would love to deflect that with news of an ISI conspiracy. I'll lay it out for him, but we both know he's a political animal. Well, if he can't control himself, our operation on Haqqani's fucked. Hmm. So what's the plan to find him? I'm working on the nephew now. He's our gateway. How's that going? Good. Good. Think that he's recruitable? He's young, emotional. One step at a time. The first one's the biggest. Getting him to admit Haqqani's actually alive. He'd have to know he was risking his life by telling you. Yeah. How long you have? Three days. After that, he starts wondering why we aren't on our way to London. Three days. To develop that kind of trust? That's a tall fucking order. Well, thanks for pointing that out. Got to jump. Good luck. I'll call you from DC. Do that. Safe travels. Aayan, what are you doing? I'm sorry. I have changed my mind. What do you mean? I have to go. Go where? I'll be fine. I'll go to my friend Kiran's house. And her father will throw you out again. I'll go to school. You've been expelled. Look, I'm sorry. I can't stay. Hey, Aayan, lay of the land. You're a public figure now. Not just in Pakistan. In Europe, in the United States. - I've heard all this, so... - Well, believe it. That video has made you a target. The strike that killed your family- you know who did that, right? - Yes, CIA. And you are a living, breathing reminder - of that fuckup. - Why do they care? ! They care, and they have a kill list. Yesterday, you told me I should be worried about the ISI. Now, today, you're telling me I should be worried about the CIA. You should be worried about both. - I did not put that video up! - That doesn't matter! It's up, and you're in danger, so don't be stupid. You walk out that door, you will be grabbed up, disappeared. Do you understand? You feel bad, right? About what we did. It's against my faith. I know. I-I don't want to sin. - I want to be devout. - It's fine. We don't have to do anything, okay? Okay. But your situation is very serious. You do not leave here until we go to London. I'm not gonna last an hour in these shoes. Hey, you booked tonight? The Sindhi concert. You're invited. I've heard enough Pakistani music to last a lifetime, if you don't mind. I figured. Listen. Yes. - I know you're mad. - That you're leaving? After giving me 24-hour notice? Not at all. But I have some good news. I changed my mind. Is that right? It was a hasty decision, and it was unfair to you. I talked to Bill about maybe next semester. My, another turn of events. You're clearly very pleased. I have a staff meeting. I just said I'm staying, so what's the problem now? Do you really think I believed you had a job offer? Excuse me? I have friends at GW, too. You don't recover from plagiarism, Dennis. - Can we ever get over that? - So don't make up a story. If you want to leave, say it to my face. I want to stay. Why? So how long have you known Carrie? Two years, more or less. Really? I would have thought you guys go way back. Yeah, it feels that way sometimes. Hmm. She's just one of those people. You connect. Yeah. So does that make you a professional liar, too? She told me I have to become one to be good at this job. Well, you're learning from the best. Why'd you say it like that? Manipulating people, exploiting their weakness... It can get ugly sometimes. Is that the plan with Aayan? - What? - Lie, manipulate, exploit. We're using the enemy's own weight to bring him down. That is the job. Second floor, that's him. You sure? Yes. He was with Aayan and Haqqani. Good eyes. Thanks. And I didn't have to shoot anyone. _ If you need to change out vehicles, do it. Stay on the ground. Stay small, but find out how she's getting in and out of that compound. Saul Berenson. He's on a plane to Washington, DC, tonight via London. Flight information's inside. Has he confirmed his seat? The embassy travel office did it this morning. He was originally scheduled to leave two days ago and to fly out to New York. Why the change of plans? He met with Carrie Mathison at the hotel, after which he placed a call to General Latif and arranged lunch- - I think. You know what happened after that. Yes. It's a strange game they're playing. Agreed. He was her mentor, you said? Yeah. And where is he now? In the hotel gardens. Working on his Finnish, best I can tell. Finnish? Rosetta Stone tapes. He can take his self-improvement back to America, as far as I'm concerned. Good riddance. Excuse me. Is this Carrie Mathison's apartment? The new station chief? Yeah. Though I don't think we're supposed to say that out loud. Well, it's where the old station chief lived, so I guess. Thanks. A little, uh, welcome gift from the ambassador. _ Hi. It's Carrie Mathison. Leave a message. Carrie, your guy-- Farhad Ghazi-- ISI thug-- he's here at the airport. Call me. Hi. Could you help me out, sir? Thanks a lot. Thank you. Sorry, I'm gonna miss my plane. - Appreciate it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Right there, please. Okay? Thank you. Yeah. Hey. S... Sorry. Here. Here. Thanks, man. Fuck. - Oh, sorry. - Oh. Thanks. Aayan Ibrahim, interview one. Ground rules. I won't put anything in the piece you don't want. You have full veto power. Okay. Um... we'll start with your uncle. Haissam Haqqani. What about him? He's a famous Taliban leader, the... target of the air strike on your village. How well did you know him? Um, he was my father's brother. And we were close. Um... When I was young, he was... he was around a lot and, uh, yeah. Then he wasn't. Where'd he go? To the mountains. To fight. To hide. Um... yeah, and the drones were still after him. What kind of a man was he? Two things guided his life. Uh, Islam and... his Taliban bravery. So you liked him. Uh... he used to pour tea from his cup on his saucer and slurp it really loudly to make me laugh. He'd come to me and he'd say, um, "I've seen more battles than hairs on your head." He was a hero to you. Well, he beat the Soviet Union. And the Soviet Union collapsed. So... How'd he feel about America? He knew how to beat you, too. Do you want to hear something crazy? There's a... There's a rumor going around that your uncle wasn't killed in the attack. No, no, no, that's-that's not t... that's not true. That's not true. I saw him. I saw his body. He was there. How can people say things like this? This is... - Hey, take it easy. - Take it easy? Look, this just came from a bunch of spooks sitting around with nothing better to do. No, fuck them. So there's nothing to it. I'm not... - I didn't think that there was. - It's insulting. It's... just... What? If he is alive, it makes you wonder if he knew the strike was coming. That's not what happened. Okay. _ Oh. Hello? Quinn. I'm at the airport. I'm looking at Farhad Ghazi as we speak. - What? - He's at the gate, about to board a plane for Johannesburg. Flight number? East India Air... number 223. Got it. I presume we still have some warm bodies in South Africa who can pick up his trail there? Hasn't all gone to shit since you left, Saul. Assume our man gets on the plane unless I call to tell you otherwise. Copy that. Carrie there? No. Still with the boy? Yeah. You let her know about this. Will do. Thanks. Can I have a small orange juice, please? Oh, my God. Peter Quinn around? In the field. Reachable? Unlikely. Oh. Is there something I can do for you? Uh, oh, he helps me sometimes with... Dennis? How'd you know? I'm a spy. I know shit. Security called from the Chatsworth. He's in the bar, belligerent. On my way. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed. Don't be. I've been that guy. So how long does the silent treatment go on? I'm just tired. Not angry? 'Cause I can do that to people sometimes. Make them angry. It's... it's just, it's... it's hard to talk about some things. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Aayan? I want to be totally honest with you. Okay. Just so there won't be any surprises when we get to London. Okay, well, what is it? I have a baby. I know. Saw the scar. Ah, right, I forgot. Doctor. Boy or girl? Girl. Francis-- after my dad. And what about her father-- is he... is he still in London? Uh, no. He died. Oh. Before she was born. What happened to him? Um... He was killed in the line of duty. Military? No, he was a journalist, too. Um... on an assignment that was too dangerous. Why'd he... why'd he go? It was my fault- - I sent him. Anyway, we don't have to talk about it. No. I... I d... I don't mind. Usually, I keep it to myself. Yeah. What about... her? Will you tell her when she's older? How can I? How can I tell her? I'm the reason her dad is gone. How can you not? Well, thanks for telling me. I'm really sorry about your husband. What? Well, he was never my husband. Though I would have... I would have liked that. - I'll leave you alone. - No. Stay. Don't you want to pray? Can I... can I touch you again? I felt silly last night. Why? I didn't know how. You did though. I took. I didn't... you know, I didn't give. Well, you're... you're new at this. It's... How do I give? I'll show you. After prayers. What? Am I hurting you? No. Did I do something wrong? No, Aayan. I'm... I'm happy. You just make me happy. He was a great guy, - Sandy was. - I don't know how great he was, but he was all right to drink with. No, he was. Look... he got me in a lot of trouble. How so? Can I confide in you? Shoot. I got a big fucking cloud over me. I'm talking a world of trouble. With Martha? Worse. If there was a way out, I'd take it. So run it by me. Hey. Some friendly faces. Professor Boyd, right? That-that's right. The ambassador lets you roam free. On occasion, yeah. So, what brings you to this spot? I'm just meeting a friend. I didn't realize you two were close. Embassy's a small place. Of course. Well, enjoy the evening, gentlemen. What's her story? ISI. Ball buster, Pakistani style. Ah, great. She's probably on the job right now. Why's that? Muslim woman at a bar in an American hotel? Anyway, you, uh... you ready to go? There was something you were gonna tell me. Hmm? Big cloud, you said. No, no, nothing. Forget it. You sure? Yeah. I've overstayed my welcome here. Let's hit it. It's done. Good. How do you say, "Is it safe?" No, no, no. What? It's too... It's too long. You're getting it wrong - from the beginning. - Parvez. Parvez. Cleric's on the move. - On foot? - Heading south. I'll get the car. You got photos of him? - Done. - Where's this guy going this time of night? Good question. Bird's-eye view would help. We're off the books. How do we get a drone? We gotta let someone in on the operation. Redmond, maybe. - Can we make that call? - It has to be Carrie. I'll try her. Fuck you! No answer. What is this bullshit? Where is she? I haven't heard from her all day. Well, call her again. We need the drone. You okay? Of course. Did anyone recognize you? Just the manager, and... he'll keep quiet. I owe you, John. No sweat. There's a theory men secretly fear their wives are crazy and women secretly fear their husbands... are losers. Dennis isn't a bad guy. 20 years ago, he was wonderful. He was... dashing, - dazzling. - I can see that. A bright light. But that guy's gone. Get some sleep, huh? Where does this road go? The mountains. Taliban country? Yup. Okay, I'm trying to be ballsy here, but I'm not into suicide. Another two, three miles, we'll be in the no-go area. Believe it or not, I don't have a death wish, either. Well, what now? You up for taking a walk? What's that, a tracker? See if you can get close enough to place it on the car. I'd do it myself if I wasn't white. That's the magnetic side. Hi. It's Carrie Mathison. - Leave a message. - Carrie, it's Quinn. If we don't get a drone on this cleric in the next five minutes, he's in the wind. So it'd be really great if you'd answer your fucking phone. _ _ _ Come on, Fara. _ Fuck me. Shit. Ever heard of protocol? Ever heard of the phone? I'm fucking busy. You have gone completely AWOL. That is bullshit. Well, here I am. So what's your big emergency? There of two of them. Number one, Saul found Farhad Ghazi. - Where? - He's flying to Johannesburg as we speak. Agency's gonna pick up the trail when he lands. - All right, so you handled it. - That's not the point. What, you want a gold star? We also found the cleric. - Okay, two gold stars. - But without a drone, which you could've secured in five minutes, he slipped away. - Fuck. - Yes, you crapped the fucking bed. You're wrong, Quinn. You don't know what you're talking about. Then why don't you tell me, then. Why don't you tell me just what it is you're doing in there. - I'm recruiting someone. - Really? 'Cause to me it looks like you're fucking a child. I had two days! I had to move fast. Is there no line, Carrie? Is there no fucking line? What's it to you anyway? Nothing. - Okay, then. - Enjoy. All right. Aayan? There you are. Who was at the door? One of my stringers. Stringers? Freelancers. It's beautiful, right? Yes. It is. I have to tell you something. Before anything more. Uh... he is alive. My uncle. I see him. I take him medicine. He's-he's very, very sick. Yeah, yeah. I had to tell you. I don't want to... lie to you anymore. I don't want to lie to you, either. It's a secret though. You can't... you can't write about it. But, Aayan... You can't tell anyone. Okay. I won't. He's the only family I have left. What does this mean, Saul never got on the plane? There's no safe way to get you out of here. We are eyes on three vehicles There wouldn't be an operation if it weren't for me. So don't treat me like I'm the enemy. Armed? Matching target. What the fuck? - They just shot that, damn it! - Are you out of your brains? SAUL: Previously on Homeland... Sandy's death was no act of mob violence. It was premeditated. The ISI killed him. Straight out. Name's Farhad Ghazi. A long history of wet work for their counterterrorism unit. Hello, Professor. DENNIS: I am the husband of the American ambassador. What do you want? I've told you already. A package arrives at the FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. Inside are the documents you stole from your wife's computer. You're arrested for treason, and your wife's career is destroyed by association. Once you've done all I've asked, you can leave Islamabad. You did the psych eval, too? I just have my very last polygraph, then I'm out. Well, I guess I'm even more grateful that you're here now. Anything for you, Carrie. Is that the real reason you didn't come with me to Kabul? Haissam Haqqani's alive. Well, it... That's impossible. He was killed in the air strike. Apparently not, because I just saw him walk out of a madrassa with Aayan Ibrahim. He was with Aayan? So this is where you'll stay. I thought... I thought we were going to London. We are, once I get you a passport and a visa. (indistinct military radio chatter) MARTHA: It's Alice in fucking Wonderland. (indistinct military radio chatter) CARRIE: Where are you? QUINN: I'm at a safe distance. ...clipped an artery. (Carrie screams) Hold on. SAUL: I know a way. (speaking Arabic) ANDREA MITCHELL: First, the U.S. found and killed Osama bin Laden outside... (crowd clamoring) CARRIE: You will die over there! HILLARY CLINTON: You can't keep snakes in your backyard and expect them only to bite your neighbors. JOHN KERRY: There are things that the Pakistanis have done, as complicated as the relationship has been. (indistinct military radio chatter) SAUL: I'm so sorry. BRODY: I have to say good-bye now. CARRIE: Just for a few more seconds. (birds chirping) (Carrie sighs) Oh. I-I was just, uh... Looking. No. Yeah. Sorry. It's okay. Um... I... Sh... Should I leave? Leave? No. No. Let's have breakfast. I'll get us something. Uh, I'll go. It's best you stay out of sight. You all right? Yeah. A bit overwhelming. Yeah. You like pastries, coffee? Sure. Good. I'll see you soon. Go check out the view. Yup. It's good. That's right where I saw Haqqani. Okay. Make yourself comfortable. We really expect him to show his face again? Doubtful, but we might I.D. the cleric you saw him with. (sighs) What's that for? In case Haqqani does show. I thought this was just a stakeout. It is, but things happen. If that happens, what's our fallback plan? Parvez and Qadir are working that out now. That sounds vague. Fara, what's the problem? Carrie said I just had to sit in an office, play a journalist. Then you went the extra mile. You tailed Aayan, and you spotted Haqqani. Yeah. You're in it now. Great. Guess what. You're good at it. SAUL: I got to say, it feels funny to be leaving just when things are heating up. You're the former director, Saul. Lockhart needs to hear it from you. Keep his mouth shut. He's taking a lot of heat for the strike on the wedding. He would love to deflect that with news of an ISI conspiracy. I'll lay it out for him, but we both know he's a political animal. Well, if he can't control himself, our operation on Haqqani's fucked. Hmm. So what's the plan to find him? I'm working on the nephew now. He's our gateway. How's that going? Good. Good. Think that he's recruitable? He's young, emotional. One step at a time. The first one's the biggest. Getting him to admit Haqqani's actually alive. He'd have to know he was risking his life by telling you. Yeah. How long you have? Three days. After that, he starts wondering why we aren't on our way to London. Three days. To develop that kind of trust? That's a tall fucking order. Well, thanks for pointing that out. (chuckles) Got to jump. Good luck. I'll call you from D.C. Do that. Safe travels. (engine starts, car doors closing) (door opens) (door closes) Aayan, what are you doing? I'm sorry. I have changed my mind. What do you mean? I have to go. Go where? I'll be fine. I'll go to my friend Kiran's house. And her father will throw you out again. I'll go to school. You've been expelled. Look, I'm sorry. I can't stay. Hey, Aayan, lay of the land. You're a public figure now. Not just in Pakistan. In Europe, in the United States. I've heard all this, so... Well, believe it. That video has made you a target. The strike that killed your family... you know who did that, right? Yes, CIA. And you are a living, breathing reminder of that fuckup. Why do they care? ! They care, and they have a kill list. Yesterday, you told me I should be worried about the ISI. Now, today, you're telling me I should be worried about the CIA. You should be worried about both. I did not put that video up! That doesn't matter! It's up, and you're in danger, so don't be stupid. You walk out that door, you will be grabbed up, disappeared. Do you understand? You feel bad, right? About what we did. It's against my faith. I know. I-I don't want to sin. I want to be devout. It's fine. We don't have to do anything, okay? Okay. But your situation is very serious. You do not leave here until we go to London. (sighs) MARTHA: I'm not gonna last an hour in these shoes. (sighs) Hey, you booked tonight? The Sindhi concert. You're invited. I've heard enough Pakistani music to last a lifetime, if you don't mind. I figured. Listen. Yes. I know you're mad. That you're leaving? After giving me 24-hour notice? Not at all. But I have some good news. I changed my mind. Is that right? It was a hasty decision, and it was unfair to you. I talked to Bill about maybe next semester. My, another turn of events. You're clearly very pleased. I have a staff meeting. I just said I'm staying, so what's the problem now? Do you really think I believed you had a job offer? Excuse me? I have friends at GW, too. You don't recover from plagiarism, Dennis. Can we ever get over that? So don't make up a story. If you want to leave, say it to my face. I want to stay. Why? So how long have you known Carrie? Two years, more or less. Really? I would have thought you guys go way back. Yeah, it feels that way sometimes. Hmm. She's just one of those people. You connect. Yeah. So does that make you a professional liar, too? She told me I have to become one to be good at this job. Well, you're learning from the best. Why'd you say it like that? Manipulating people, exploiting their weakness... It can get ugly sometimes. Is that the plan with Aayan? What? Lie, manipulate, exploit. We're using the enemy's own weight to bring him down. That is the job. Second floor, that's him. (shutter clicks) You sure? Yes. He was with Aayan and Haqqani. Good eyes. (breathing heavily): Thanks. And I didn't have to shoot anyone. TASNEEM: If you need to change out vehicles, do it. Stay on the ground. Stay small, but find out how she's getting in and out of that compound. Saul Berenson. (Tasneem speaks Urdu) He's on a plane to Washington, D.C., tonight via London. Flight information's inside. Has he confirmed his seat? The embassy travel office did it this morning. He was originally scheduled to leave two days ago and to fly out to New York. Why the change of plans? He met with Carrie Mathison at the hotel, after which he placed a call to General Latif and arranged lunch... I think. You know what happened after that. Yes. It's a strange game they're playing. Agreed. He was her mentor, you said? Yeah. And where is he now? In the hotel gardens. Working on his Finnish, best I can tell. Finnish? Rosetta Stone tapes. (scoffs) He can take his self-improvement back to America, as far as I'm concerned. Good riddance. (door buzzer sounding) (knocking) Excuse me. Is this Carrie Mathison's apartment? The new station chief? Yeah. Though I don't think we're supposed to say that out loud. Well, it's where the old station chief lived, so I guess. Thanks. A little, uh, welcome gift from the ambassador. ♪ ♪ (mutters quietly) (woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.) (dialing phone) (line ringing) CARRIE (recorded): Hi. It's Carrie Mathison. Leave a message. Carrie, your guy... Farhad Ghazi... ISI thug... he's here at the airport. Call me. Hi. Could you help me out, sir? Thanks a lot. Thank you. Sorry, I'm gonna miss my plane. Appreciate it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Right there, please. Okay? Thank you. Yeah. (beep) Hey. S... Sorry. Here. Here. (speaks Urdu) Thanks, man. (sighs) Fuck. Oh, sorry. Oh. Thanks. (sighs) Aayan Ibrahim, interview one. Ground rules: I won't put anything in the piece you don't want. You have full veto power. Okay. (clears throat) Um... we'll start with your uncle. Haissam Haqqani. What about him? He's a famous Taliban leader, the... target of the air strike on your village. How well did you know him? Um, he was my father's brother. And we were close. Um... When I was young, he was... he was around a lot and, uh, yeah. Then he wasn't. Where'd he go? To the mountains. To fight. To hide. Um... yeah, and the drones were still after him. What kind of a man was he? Two things guided his life. Uh, Islam and... his Taliban bravery. So you liked him. Uh... he used to pour tea from his cup on his saucer and slurp it really loudly to make me laugh. He'd come to me and he'd say, um, "I've seen more battles than hairs on your head." (chuckles softly) He was a hero to you. Well, he beat the Soviet Union. And the Soviet Union collapsed. So... How'd he feel about America? He knew how to beat you, too. Do you want to hear something crazy? There's a... There's a rumor going around that your uncle wasn't killed in the attack. No, no, no, that's-that's not t... that's not true. That's not true. I saw him. I saw his body. He was there. How can people say things like this? This is... Hey, take it easy. Take it easy? Look, this just came from a bunch of spooks sitting around with nothing better to do. No, fuck them. So there's nothing to it. I'm not... I didn't think that there was. It's insulting. It's... just... What? If he is alive, it makes you wonder if he knew the strike was coming. That's not what happened. Okay. (woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.) (clattering) Oh. ♪ ♪ (line ringing) (phone vibrates) Hello? Quinn. I'm at the airport. I'm looking at Farhad Ghazi as we speak. What? He's at the gate, about to board a plane for Johannesburg. Flight number? East India Air... number 223. Got it. I presume we still have some warm bodies in South Africa who can pick up his trail there? Hasn't all gone to shit since you left, Saul. Assume our man gets on the plane unless I call to tell you otherwise. Copy that. Carrie there? No. Still with the boy? Yeah. You let her know about this. Will do. Thanks. Can I have a small orange juice, please? (sighs): Oh, my God. Peter Quinn around? In the field. Reachable? Unlikely. Oh. Is there something I can do for you? Uh, oh, he helps me sometimes with... Dennis? How'd you know? I'm a spy. I know shit. (chuckles softly) Security called from the Chatsworth. He's in the bar, belligerent. On my way. I'm sorry. (laughs softly) I'm embarrassed. Don't be. I've been that guy. (water splashing softly) So how long does the silent treatment go on? I'm just tired. Not angry? 'Cause I can do that to people sometimes. Make them angry. It's... it's just, it's... it's hard to talk about some things. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Aayan? I want to be totally honest with you. Okay. Just so there won't be any surprises when we get to London. Okay, well, what is it? I have a baby. I know. Saw the scar. (laughs): Ah, right, I forgot. Doctor. Boy or girl? Girl. Francis... after my dad. And what about her father... is he... is he still in London? Uh, no. He died. Oh. Before she was born. What happened to him? Um... He was killed in the line of duty. Military? No, he was a journalist, too. Um... on an assignment that was... (sighs) ...too dangerous. Why'd he... why'd he go? It was my fault... I sent him. Anyway, we don't have to talk about it. No. I... I d... I don't mind. Usually, I keep it to myself. Yeah. What about... her? Will you tell her when she's older? How can I? How can I tell her? I'm the reason her dad is gone. How can you not? Well, thanks for telling me. I'm really sorry about your husband. What? Well, he was never my husband. (choked up): Though I would have... I would have liked that. (man singing call to prayer in distance) I'll leave you alone. No. Stay. Don't you want to pray? Can I... can I touch you again? I felt silly last night. Why? (quietly): I didn't know how. (laughing) You did though. I took. I didn't... you know, I didn't give. Well, you're... you're new at this. It's... How do I give? I'll show you. After prayers. ♪ ♪ (Carrie panting) (sniffles) What? Am I hurting you? No. Did I do something wrong? No, Aayan. I'm... I'm happy. You just make me happy. He was a great guy, Sandy was. I don't know how great he was, but he was all right to drink with. No, he was. Look... he got me in a lot of trouble. How so? Can I confide in you? Shoot. I got a big fucking cloud over me. I'm talking a world of trouble. With Martha? Worse. If there was a way out, I'd take it. So run it by me. TASNEEM: Hey. Some friendly faces. (speaking Urdu) Professor Boyd, right? That-that's right. The ambassador lets you roam free. On occasion, yeah. (Tasneem laughs) So, what brings you to this spot? I'm just meeting a friend. I didn't realize you two were close. Embassy's a small place. Of course. Well, enjoy the evening, gentlemen. (speaking Urdu) What's her story? ISI. Ball buster, Pakistani style. Ah, great. She's probably on the job right now. Why's that? Muslim woman at a bar in an American hotel? Anyway, you, uh... you ready to go? There was something you were gonna tell me. Hmm? Big cloud, you said. No, no, nothing. Forget it. You sure? Yeah. I've overstayed my welcome here. Let's hit it. (woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (grunts) (line ringing) (phone rings) It's done. Good. FARA: How do you say, "Is it safe?" (speaking Urdu) (repeats badly) (chuckles) No, no, no. (speaking Urdu) (chuckles) What? (speaking Urdu) It's too... It's too long. (Urdu continues) You're getting it wrong from the beginning. Parvez. Parvez. (camera clicking) Cleric's on the move. On foot? Heading south. I'll get the car. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ FARA: You got photos of him? Done. Where's this guy going this time of night? QUINN: Good question. Bird's-eye view would help. We're off the books. How do we get a drone? We gotta let someone in on the operation. Redmond, maybe. Can we make that call? It has to be Carrie. FARA (sighs): I'll try her. (horns honking) Fuck you! FARA: No answer. What is this bullshit? Where is she? I haven't heard from her all day. Well, call her again. We need the drone. (grunting) You okay? Of course. MARTHA (quietly): Did anyone recognize you? Just the manager, and... he'll keep quiet. MARTHA: I owe you, John. REDMOND: No sweat. MARTHA: There's a theory men secretly fear their wives are crazy and women secretly fear their husbands... are losers. Dennis isn't a bad guy. MARTHA: 20 years ago, he was wonderful. (exhales) He was... dashing, dazzling. I can see that. A bright light. But that guy's gone. Get some sleep, huh? (sighs) (door closes) FARA: Where does this road go? The mountains. Taliban country? Yup. Okay, I'm trying to be ballsy here, but I'm not into suicide. Another two, three miles, we'll be in the no-go area. Believe it or not, I don't have a death wish, either. (speaking Urdu) Well, what now? You up for taking a walk? What's that, a tracker? See if you can get close enough to place it on the car. I'd do it myself if I wasn't white. That's the magnetic side. (speaking Urdu) (line ringing) CARRIE (recorded): Hi. It's Carrie Mathison. Leave a message. (sighs) Carrie, it's Quinn. If we don't get a drone on this cleric in the next five minutes, he's in the wind. So it'd be really great if you'd answer your fucking phone. (speaking Urdu) Come on, Fara. (grunts) Fuck me. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (camera clicking) (clattering) Shit. ♪ ♪ (camera clicking) (birds chirping) (knocking) (grunts) (knocking continues) Ever heard of protocol? Ever heard of the phone? I'm fucking busy. You have gone completely AWOL. That is bullshit. Well, here I am. So what's your big emergency? There of two of them. Number one, Saul found Farhad Ghazi. Where? He's flying to Johannesburg as we speak. Agency's gonna pick up the trail when he lands. All right, so you handled it. That's not the point. What, you want a gold star? We also found the cleric. Okay, two gold stars. But without a drone, which you could've secured in five minutes, he slipped away. Fuck. Yes, you crapped the fucking bed. You're wrong, Quinn. You don't know what you're talking about. Then why don't you tell me, then. Why don't you tell me just what it is you're doing in there. I'm recruiting someone. Really? 'Cause to me it looks like you're fucking a child. I had two days! I had to move fast. Is there no line, Carrie? Is there no fucking line? What's it to you anyway? Nothing. Okay, then. Enjoy. All right. (man singing call to prayer) (door closes) Aayan? (call to prayer continues) There you are. Who was at the door? One of my stringers. Stringers? Freelancers. It's beautiful, right? Yes. It is. I have to tell you something. Before anything more. Uh... he is alive. My uncle. I see him. I take him medicine. He's-he's very, very sick. Yeah, yeah. I had to tell you. I don't want to... lie to you anymore. I don't want to lie to you, either. It's a secret though. You can't... you can't write about it. But, Aayan... You can't tell anyone. Okay. I won't. He's the only family I have left. ♪ ♪ ANDREW DELBANCO: I've always felt, when I step onto a college campus, a slight element of melancholy in the air. If you're a teacher, you arrive every fall semester for the new year, and you know that you've gotten a year older, but the students are the same age as they always were. They keep replenishing themselves. College is a way of trying to preserve cultural memory. It is an effort to cheat death, so it's a kind of struggle against time and mortality. The United States has managed to provide a postsecondary education to a larger percentage of its population than any society in history. DELBANCO: But a lot of forces are converging at the present moment to create anxiety. REPORTER 1: Is college overrated? MAN: I'm saying it's a myth. WOMAN: It's become a race for credentialism. REPORTER 2: Has college become too expensive? REPORTER 3: I think it's going to tum into the foreclosure situation. Students are gonna default... DELBANCO: Every parent who tries to pay for their child's education is feeling sticker shock, and access and completion of college are more challenging in our time. BRIAN WILLIAMS: Of all the time bombs in the American economy set to explode, student loan debt in this country has reached $1 trillion. REPORTER 4: We may see a tsunami of student loan defaults. DELBANCO: There are problems in all the sectors of higher education, and it's a perfectly fair expectation for students and their families to want to know that when they leave college, they're going to have some skills that somebody's going to be willing to compensate them for. PETER SCHIFF: We've got a lot of people with college degrees waiting tables, cleaning toilets, you know, driving taxis. REPORTER 5: Nearly half of all students are showing no significant gains in learning. DELBANCO: But there's an apocalyptic dimension to this as well. And that is the idea that the very concept of the institution of higher learning is about to be broken. And only a very, very small handful of colleges will survive intact on the other side of this tidal wave. REPORTER 6: We're at the point where people are saying, "Maybe you don't have to go to college." REPORTER 7: ls college worth it? DELBANCO: There have been moments in human history when those who said the future's gonna look a lot different very soon have been right. This might be one of them. (BAND PLAYING TEN THOUSAND MEN OF HARVARD) TOUR GUIDE: This is the John Harvard statue. Now, people come from all over the world to take pictures with this statue. PETER THIEL: In education, there are these very powerful social forces at work where people just imitate what other people are doing without reflecting on why they're doing it. Things like, "How do you get into the right college? "How does your kid get on the right track?" College has been sold and over-sold as the key to a better future. And somethings gone very wrong with it over the last few decades. Higher education has had the privilege for a very long time of being a black box. It created this prestige and this mystique around it, but we've never really examined very closely the ingredients on the box. THIEL: We need to really rethink, "What are the specific things that people are learning, "and why are they valuable?" (STUDENTS CHEERING) DREW FAUST: Welcome, Class of 2016. You may have sensed that some of us are expecting you to save the world, preferably by the time you graduate. But just remember, a key part of any success is the part of you that is willing to fail. FAUST: We at Harvard believe that the best Kind of education for undergraduates is a liberal arts education. And that means a broad education across the fields of human inquiry. We aren't educating students for a first job. We want to give them the abilities to think and reason and question for a lifetime. Technology increasingly is something that every educated person should be familiar with in the 21 st century. We have an introductory computer science course that is known as CS50, and it is now the largest undergraduate course on campus. ROB BOWDEN: Everyone on campus knows what CS50 is. It's definitely a course with a cult following. I think some of it is kind of related to the whole Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg being at Harvard. LOUISE EISENACH: That's what's happening for our generation. People are growing up, and they're starting their own companies and creating their own websites, and doing all this amazing stuff with technology, and I think CS50, like, represents that. (ALL APPLAUDING) DAVID MALAN: Today we begin our exploration of the fundamentals of computer science and the art of programming. You will have this very practical skillset that you can then take back to all sorts of fields. And realize, too, it is not so important where you end up relative to your classmates in this class, but where you, by semester's end in week 11, end up relative to yourself this very day. (INDISTINCT TALKING) DAVID BOONE: Sometimes it can be intimidating, because there are plenty of people who have just more preparation. A tot of times, it's really easy to say, like, "How in the world can I do this?" Because I can't understand everything right away. College, it's a completely different environment than what I was used to. My path has been a little bit rough. I come from a pretty, uh, modest background. When I entered ninth grade, the summer before, I had been, like, enticed to join a gang. I decided not to. They retaliated against my entire family, shooting at my home. Because of my path and where I've come from, I'm just that much more driven. I remember those times, and it just makes me all the more grateful for the things I do have now. Before I came here I hadn't had a bed for over a year, and so, like, coming into my dorm, I legit jumped on my bed. That was something that meant a lot to me. It's a real blessing. Just being here alone has already changed my family dynamic. MONEEKE DAVIS: I always told them, "In order for us to get ahead as a family, "each generation has to do better than the next." David was, like, "Mom, how are we going to pay for college? "What happens if I get in and I can't pay for it?" I said, "Trust me. God will make a way." WOMAN: You should see the video when we first got it. He was sitting there looking at the camera like he gonna be a star. When we got on Harvard's campus, I mean, I was just like, "My baby is at Harvard." (ALL LAUGHING) DELBANCO: The first American college, Harvard College, was a child of the University of Cambridge in England. The Puritans had come over to New England in the early 1630s, and after they settled the basics of food and shelter, they turned their attention to starting a college. In that sense the college was an offshoot of the Church. The lecture, so central to college education, is really a kind of modern version of the sermon. It was a commitment to the idea that students could be transformed to lead lives of meaning and purpose. Harvard is the source of DNA for almost all of higher education in America. It laid out the model that a university needs to emulate in order to get better resources, better professors, better credentials, better students. As Harvard passed that DNA down to everybody else, it created a race. DELBANCO: When the colonial colleges started to become universities, and when brand-new institutions were founded as universities, you begin to see a tension developing between the mission to educate young people, and the competition for prestige, to out-build your rivals. American colleges are driven by the pursuit of prestige. And the way you get prestige is that you get the highest ranking, which expands your market, and allows you to charge more. So, in order to go up the ladder, everybody has to keep adding more programs and more facilities at a faster rate than the competitors. This really was the most sort of grandiose vision of what a university could be, that it was a place of higher learning, it was a place of research. It covered every single discipline under the sun, and there really was no end to its expansion. CHRISTENSEN: And that became the model, you had to integrate doing research. You needed to provide the housing, the classrooms, all the food that they needed, and the facilities that are required in order to play in the game. And that's a tough game to keep playing. (CHEERING) MITCHELL STEVENS: The system of elite residential higher education that Americans assembled over the course of the last centuries, is extraordinarily effective. Nobody disputes that. But it's also extraordinarily inefficient in terms of the resources that are expended to produce these spectacular places. CHRISTENSEN: Higher education in America has been very successful for centuries. But now things are changing, because the scale and the cost is enormous. We have a product that is so expensive that a lot of people can't pay for it and they have to go into debt, and it just isn't viable. DELBANCO: The rise in student tuition is unsustainable. We cannot continue to charge significantly more year after year after year without running into some kind of a brick wall. College tuition has increased more than any other good or service in the entire US economy since 1978. CARNEVALE: We're in an environment where we're cutting spending for higher education. The states have essentially walked away. They have this great thing in colleges and universities called tuition, and it's been a great release valve. As appropriations have gone down in the states, tuition at public colleges has gone up. We've lost $100 million in funding, and the board has replaced one out of every four of those dollars with tuition. Far more of the cost of education is now borne by the student. Student loans are certainly a really important part of this equation, too. KAMENETZ: The availability of student loans to pay for college makes families less sensitive to the price, makes colleges less likely to compete on the price. All of the competition has been, "We are better than we used to be, and we're better than you." KAMENETZ: Universities are driven by perks wars. One offers an amenity, and they all have to offer the amenity. They're adding the climbing walls, and they're adding the plasma screen TVs. CARNEVALE: We're getting to the point where we're gonna have a swimming pool in every room. REPORTER: They have pools with tanning ledges, they have tanning beds. The student tells us, "I can take a five-hour bubble bath, "and no one will complain." RICHARD ARUM: There's a massive construction boom on US colleges and universities today. It's an arms race, if you will, in higher education. DELBANCO: it's a feeding frenzy to have a better student center, a bigger football stadium. Sometimes it can be grotesque. SEUNGO: What we've really seen is, I think, colleges have kind of lost their way about who they are and what they are, and they've turned into these large businesses that have structures around them. They're mini cities. Families do desire a lot of the amenities that colleges have provided. The proverbial rock wall. To sustain those, colleges have to borrow more money, they have to charge more tuition. To pay $60,000 for a college tuition... You give momentum to this notion of the student as customer when you charge them so much money for their education. SEUNGO: We tend to focus a tot on student debt, but over this last decade, institutions themselves, college and universities, doubled the amount of debt that they took on. And in fact we've seen more people be hired that never step foot in a classroom, and that's where a lot of the rising cost of college has come. DELBANCO: Administrations seem often to be the tail wagging the dog. Some of our leading presidents can be quite shameless in the size of their compensation. SEUNGO: We're now starting to question what we're buying. Are you really buying a better, higher-quality education? (ALL APPLAUDING) It used to be, you'd get to a public university, it wouldn't cost very much to go there. The University of California used to have no tuition. The tuition costs here in Arizona used to be near zero. And we need to get back to the point where it's not a huge economic barrier that you have to get over to gain access to a world-class university education. As a public university, our responsibility is to take a broad cross-section of talent from around our society, move it forward with world-class learning experiences at the lowest possible cost. A lot of people would say that's not possible. We say it needs to be possible. INTERVIEWER: ASU was ranked as one of the top public research universities, but it also has another ranking that many people think... Party school. CROW: It's funny, so we laugh about this party school thing. I mean, we literally laugh about it. Our model for learning is the robed don at Cambridge or Oxford or the kid on the East Coast in Boston or New York City or something who's huddled around their lamp light in the dark winter night. When you live in a place with bright sunshine and palm trees and beautiful weather, people think you can't be too serious, but the whole party school thing is just bogus. It's the party school! Come on, what are we doing right now? It's paradise, baby! What's not to love? MALE STUDENT: ASU is a big school, and of course people party and drink and get crazy and all that stuff. Um... But you don't have to. (ALL CHANTING) They say that ASU is, like, "one of the top party schools" according to Playboy or whatever. BRENDAN ARNOLD: The average ASU student comes to get drunk out of their minds and be in this sort of, like, vapid, hedonistic area. Woo! LAURA HAMILTON: In 2004 we started looking at the party scene at large, mid-tier state universities, and how it didn't fit in what the majority of students actually need to get out of college. ARUM: The fact that college-age kids are having some fun, that's not really the problem. The problem is institutions are creating these party pathways through college and take their money, but don't ask anything of them academically. In fact, just give them beer and circuses. In this moment of declining state support, students who can pay full, out-of-state tuition without seeking financial aid are very important for the university. You've got to cater to these out-of-state, less-studious students, who want to party. We know how to party! We all know how to party! ARMSTRONG: Students from out-of-state picked a school because of the social life. Big-time athletics, the really big Greek system, increasing numbers of luxury condominium-style living. But that has consequences for everybody else. (ALL CHANTING) The Vue is like one of these privatized living complexes. They have these pool parties every so often, where everyone just goes and gets wasted or high or whatever, and then they just start these fights in the pool. ALL: (CHANTNG) ASU! ASU! ASU! ARNOLD: ASU students romanticize staying at this "private apartment complex" where you hang out by the pool and smoke cigars, When ideally you should be focusing on your schooling and actually getting a diploma. ARUM: 36% of the kids in our study say they studied less than five hours per week, less than an hour a day. Full-time college students. Half the kids in our study said they didn't have a single class where they wrote more than 20 pages. We are confronting a situation in this country where, for large numbers of students, they are not doing much of anything academically. SEBASTIAN NAVARRO: There's a lot of distractions here, and there's no one holding your hand. Some people, they're not ready for the college level. They fail classes, or they withdraw, drop classes midway through the semester because they're not doing so good in them. And they get discouraged by the fourth year, and they drop out or they just don't have the motivation to continue. I mentor freshmen. You try to give them tips. You try to give them a way to study more efficiently. You try to give them ways to do their homework in a better method. (SPEAKING) You know, it's really easy to fall back into that trap. Keep the mindset that you've got to graduate, you've got to do good in college to be successful. Right? That mindset. ARUM: Many of these actors in higher education do not have a fundamental interest in promoting academic rigor and student learning. They're focused on something else. Faculty today are increasingly rewarded in terms of promotion, tenure, compensation by their research productivity and scholarship. A focus on teaching can get in the way of one's research and scholarship. And when these institutions assess one's teaching, they typically do it with course evaluations. At the end of the class, students are given a consumer satisfaction survey, "How much did you like the class?" "Would you recommend this class to a friend?" You're incentivizing faculty not to be rigorous but to be actually lenient with grades, because the only measure that the institutions are paying attention to is, "Are the students happy as consumers?" At the same time, the number of full-time faculty in this country is in sharp decline, being replaced by part-time adjunct instructors. Many of them have limited resources for focusing on rigorous academic instruction. Institutions invest in these other things, thinking simply as a business. But these organizations are non-profits. They're accountable to the public. They're accountable to fulfilling their mission. DELBANCO: It's perfectly appropriate that we shine a strong light on America's colleges and universities, and that we demand better of them. We should be outraged by the abuses and the distortions. But we do not want to erase the history of higher education and say, "These places are not about "the formation of character or self-discovery." There are some colleges that have tried to go to the far end of the spectrum in terms of the intensity of the experience. For instance, Deep Springs College, where students make a two-year commitment to, in effect, drop out of the world. BENNET BERGMAN: The mission of Deep Springs College is to provide a free education to young men in preparation for lives of service to humanity. That's accomplished through what are called the three pillars. And those are self-governance and academics and labor. We live in this small community. And we spend half of our time in class and spend the other half of our time working either on the ranch or in some way for the community. In committee meetings throughout the week we exercise self-governance, which is basically taking responsibility for the community. We choose what classes we're going to take together. STUDENT 1: We have Political Theory After Marx, Critical Theory and the Frankfurt School, Nietzsche. STUDENT 2: I think there will be something incredibly rewarding about going in-depth onto one school of thought very intensely. BERGMAN: Through this education we are, like, putting ourselves through a grinder of some sort. JOHN STUART: I cared so little for the idea of going to college. It was kind of like Deep Springs or nothing. It's a place that demands of you pretty constantly. And I like that. Because I think if I'd gone to another college I would become really self-absorbed and narcissistic. DANIEL LEIBOVITZ: The main attraction of Deep Springs for me was self-governance, having to compromise with people, And having to put myself in other people's positions. And I don't think that's something natural for us. I think that that has to be taught. It has to be the result of an education. DELBANCO: The college classroom is perhaps the best rehearsal space for democracy. Students learn to speak with civility, listen to one another with respect, and most of all, they learn that you can actually walk into a room with one point of view and walk out with another. JOEL SCHLOSSER: Hegel is saying you need to have a common identity as citizens because it creates the bonds of affection. We are not simply sons or brothers, students or doctors, but also citizens. Like, why are we talking about the state at all? Expression of the individual through the state, I don't feel that. That's because you're treated like a person already. What's being defined as personhood has previously been exactly the mode in which we have kept, you know, entire races of people outside of the state, so I agree with you in the sense, why are we talking about the state when, like, its definition of personhood isn't good enough here? But you recognize that Hegel can be read against that argument very effectively? Right, yeah, I agree. But sometimes I think the best way to bring Hegel into the new day is to transgress him. DELBANCO: Students actually have a lot to learn from each other. But what I think of as the most transformative events are, really, at the end of the day, one-on-one experiences with a teacher who looks you in the eye. I had a shitty public school experience. Right? Like, saw lots of racism, lots of sexism, got beat up, got in fights. Teachers can't do shit. Families can't do shit. SCHLOSSER: I do think families and teachers can do shit. Every time that I come in here and I say, "What do you guys think about this? "Do you want to change these assignments? "How do you like these readings?" I'm trying to give you opportunities for agency, so that I'm not just simply treating you as any old students. The purpose of this place is for you to create what you want here, right? And the problem is that for you to get what you want, you've got to cooperate with other people, which means trying to figure out a way to communicate your anger without being antagonistic. Two and a half hours of Hegel. Take a half hour break, another hour and a half of Lacan. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm happy to. BERGMAN: Even as Deep Springs seems to become more and more obsolete or more and more of some kind of idyllic fancy, there's something there, and everybody feels it, having been through it. This school stands for something. KAMENETZ: Because of America's status as a country that's always reaching for higher and higher ambition and growth, in the 19th century, we started to have this idea that a university education could be of benefit to absolutely everyone, that we should be able to all have the learning that we need to have self-respect, to be able to support ourselves, and also to be able to be full citizens. That idea really culminated in the Morrill Act in the 1860s. DELBANCO: In the middle of the Civil War, in 1862, Congress of the United States, amazingly enough, found focus and attention to pass the Morrill Act, which funded the {and grant colleges that later became the great state universities. KAMENETZ: The federal government provided for the expansion of this dream of higher education at an unprecedented scale. This had never happened before in any human society that we'd have institutions of higher learning coast-to-coast, and it wouldn't just be for the nobility. Senator Merrill believed in education even for the sons of slaves, creating, post-Reconstruction, the historically black colleges and universities. DELBANCO: Institutions arose at a time when we had racial segregation and we had gender segregation to ensure that black Americans and female Americans could get a higher education. BEVERLY TATUM: Spelman College was founded less than 20 years after the end of slavery with the idea of creating educational opportunity for women who had had none. It's a place where a young woman can say, "This place was built for me." (ALL CHEERING) I am a testimony. Every Spelman student is a testimony. A testimony of prayers during slavery. ALL: Slavery. They themselves had been denied... ALL: Denied. - ...education. - Education. (WOMEN PREACHING) As it had been prophesied. Prophesied! (ALL CHEERING) BROOKE BREWSTER: One of the major things I think you get from being a young black student at a historically black college is that you get to have those conversations about race and about gender, how the two fit together and then how that affects What you're thinking, how you're feeling. When you're in a place for four years where there's people who look like you, and they're achieving, it does do something for your own confidence. So it's really a space where you can grow as a person. AMIRAH MITCHELL: I went to The Winsor School in Boston, and it's predominantly white. Coming from a minority experience to a majority experience, I think it forces me to find an identity other than the obvious. At my high school, you know, "Who's Amirah?" "She's the black girl." Here I have to really figure it out. There are so many other intelligent black women here. (INDISTINCT TALKING) MITCHELL: College, being a place of mental growth, simultaneously can be a place of spiritual growth, because the two really go hand-in-hand. (CLAPPING IN RHYTHM) (SINGING) Glory! MITCHELL: My sense of self is stronger, and it's really helped cultivate who I am. God's a-gonna trouble the water So wade in the water Children MITCHELL: I do think you can get that experience without going to college. You can travel the world and get that experience. You can merely migrate from your hometown and get that experience. But college is a place where that all comes together in one. (ALL CHEERING) BOONE: Historically black colleges are very powerful. They have a strong connection between the students, the alumni, and the other fellow historically black colleges. But for me, in particular, I didn't apply to many HBCUs. I've been around black people my entire life. I went to a school that was more than, like, 90% African-American. I didn't know how to interact with white people, and I was afraid. The biggest thing, I think, that I've been able to pick up while being at Harvard is the ability to connect with people from all different walks of life. I don't want to just impact my community. I wanna be able to impact the larger community. DELBANCO: All of these institutions have made immense contributions to the history of our democracy. And if you cannot have a democracy without an educated citizenry, you want to see as many citizens as possible get as much education as possible. KAMENETZ: The philanthropists of the Gilded Age gave us the idea of mass higher education as a basic human right. Peter Cooper was this industrialist who believed in education as free as water and air. He founded The Cooper Union, a school of industrial arts and design in New York City, with the idea that it would be available to people, no matter what their background, to study useful and practical arts. But today The Cooper Union is one of the last examples of a free higher education institution in the country. A full scholarship for every enrolled student is the current mission statement of Cooper Union. VICTORIA SOBEL: Peter Cooper wanted the school to be accessible to the working class, to women, to people of color. I come from a lower-middle class family. My parents told me about Cooper. And when I found out, like I... I was like obsessed. I didn't even think about going anywhere else. PETER BUCKLEY: Nowadays, so much is against this 19th-century model of a free education. Ideologically, financially it's ancient. SOBEL: When Jamshed Bharucha, the current president, came into office, he announced to the Cooper community that we are running a large deficit and that tuition for the first time in 154 years would be on the table. (CHANTING) Free tuition, it's our mission! The current administration is trying to say that education as a right is not something that we should be focusing on. Being free, the financial model is extremely complicated. You look at the financial statements and you can see. An extraordinarily large deficit. I think Peter Cooper would have wanted us, if we had to talk about tuition, to be able to talk about it. SOBEL: We all acknowledge that we're in a financial strait right now, but the administration and the board fail to understand how tuition's going to destroy the school. (MAN SPEAKING) BUCKLEY: President Bharucha's come from tuition-charging colleges, and he thinks that we should become like other colleges. It's covered by normal kinds of words like sustainability. I'm here before you because the very survival of this institution is at stake. We do not have a sustainable budget. If you want free education, how are you going to structure it? I believe it's not compatible with small class size, highly-interpersonal interaction, and with providing good compensation to people, and I believe in providing good compensation. The President makes in excess of $700,000 as total compensation. BUCKLEY: At a school of only 1,000 students in tight financial times, one would have thought there would have been some proportionality. INTERVIEWER: I believe the President of Harvard makes $899,000, and she's overseeing 12,000 faculty, 21,000 students, and $30 billion endowment. She doesn't have a fraction of the problem we have. Not a fraction of the problems we have. Apparently we are the Harvard of Astor Place. SOBEL: I don't think that the model of free education doesn't work. There's all sorts of things that got us into this mess, and it wasn't the cost of educating the students. BUCKLEY: Most of higher education believes in growth at all costs, growing their way out of difficulty. And that becomes rather problematic when you are building a building at about $1,000 a square foot, which is more than a luxury hotel. It's possible to have downsized, as Cooper Union has done in 150 years of ups and downs in the market. But that was not the decision that was made. INTERVIEWER: Do you think it was wise to invest in hedge funds and to use the money borrowed in the $175 million loan for that purpose? You know, I'm not an investment person. I mean, I'm... Uh... I'm good at budgets, but I'm not an investment person. Were they risky decisions? Well, uh. One can ask if they were or not, but there is no question that loan is a, uh... Yes, a challenge for the institution to pay back. BUCKLEY: Cooper Union is faced with a mortgage payment of $10 million a year. It's a terrible irony that an institution which was supposed to get people out of debt gets into that kind of debt itself. KAMENETZ: The idea that Cooper Union would think about charging tuition really seemed like such a huge betrayal and a bellwether of where education is. Students are not seen as having a right to their education, and institutions sort of feel free to continue to raise the price. What's happening to higher education in this country? Why is it seen as being the province of the rich and the rich alone? People are ignoring all of the functions that education has served throughout our history as a public good. Certain economic truths have become self-evident. Among these, the right to a good education. DELBANCO: Right after the Second World War, the GI Bill was passed, which made it possible for men, who would never have been allowed to walk onto a college campus, except perhaps as members of the custodial staff or as delivery boys, to actually walk through the gates as students. LOUIS MENAND: Over two million veterans took advantage of the GI Bill. This was an opportunity that was free, given by the government. And it made a difference to the American middle class. KAMENETZ: That expansion of the franchise of higher education was really so unprecedented, and it led directly to the Higher Education Act of 1965, creating the Federal student aid programs. This law means that a high school senior can apply to any college and not be turned away because his family is poor. (APPLAUDING) KAMENETZ: But the rug was pulled out from under students in the 1970s. We shifted from seeing education as a public good to seeing it exclusively as a private good. Conservative governors, especially Governor Reagan of California, had really run on the idea that higher education was a wasteful way to spend taxpayer money. Governor Reagan actually said the state should not subsidize intellectual curiosity. And he ran for president later on a promise to disband the Department of Education. BUCKLEY: Certain advisors started to say that anything of a private advantage should be paid for. The word free is one of the most misused words. We speak of "free education." Education isn't free. It costs money. KAMENETZ: If this is something that is going to be good for individuals to get a job and earn more money, they should finance it and make the investment themselves. We need to keep government on the sidelines. Let the people develop their own skills, solve their own problems. KAMENETZ: We stopped expanding the franchise of higher education, graduation rates stopped rising, and access for the poor to higher education started going down. In the 1970s, a Pell Grant was more than enough to pay for tuition at an average state institution. But today a Pell Grant pays for a fraction of tuition. This led to the growth of the student loan industry, which ended up being the largest source of money for all of tuition. The student loan program was never intended to be this large. WILLIAMS: We've just hit an awful milestone. Our nation's combined student loan debt has now hit $1 trillion. It's now larger than credit card debt in this country. REPORTER: The average American student now graduates more than $25,000 in debt. STEFANIE GRAY: I grew up in a low-income household. I was always told to work hard, and if you follow your dreams, it will pay off, and if you need to go into educational debt to achieve those dreams, then so be it. A couple of months after I graduated, collectors started calling, and I told them that I could not pay. Even with a master's, I couldn't get a job cleaning toilets at a local hotel. I was on food stamps. I was living off mostly beans and rice. THIEL: Twenty years ago, we would have said all the kids who aren't going to college are being the victims, and now it's actually turning out that a lot of the kids who are going to college are also the victims. It's like a subprime mortgage broker that ripped you off and talked you into buying a house you couldn't afford. Education in some ways is even more insidious than housing. KAMENETZ: There actually isn't the same kind of safety valve in the student loan market that you see in the mortgage market, in the sense that there's no such thing as foreclosure, and, in fact, there's no such thing as bankruptcy. Over half of loans today are either in deferment, or else they're in default. And when you default on your student loans, interest is applied to the principal. And you see, very commonly, things like original balances in the tens and twenty thousands of dollars ballooning up into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Starting off, $78,000. Ending up at $106,000 in interest alone. You're going to be saddled with that debt and that ballooning balance until the day that you die. That's the kind of garbage our government is playing with our young people. The government will make $184 billion in profits over the next 10 years. All those profits made off the backs of our kids who are trying to get an education. I think this whole system stinks. - MAN: What do we want? - ALL: Education! - MAN: When do we want it? - Now! (CHANTING) - MAN: What do we want? - ALL: Education! - MAN: When do we want it? - ALL: Now! STUDENT 1: We cannot continue to treat student loan debt as an individual issue. We must realize that as a society we cannot have a generation in debt. CARNEVALE: Once you hit $50,000 in debt, you need to pause and take a look at the value of the education you're getting. You don't want to incur debt that stops you from investing in family formation, houses, cars and children down the road. The value of my education is priceless, but the value of my education is also not $140,000 in debt. If I do ever have kids, my private loans will be directly passed to them even if I die. It's just siphoning my dreams away, and I feel bad talking about any dreams that I have these days, because there's all this talk that Generation Y is so entitled and selfish just for wanting the opportunities that their parents had. KAMENETZ: A lot of the older generations that criticize the millennials grew up in a time when you could go to a state university and pay your way through with summer jobs. These millennial children then got to college and realized, "Oh, the money's not there to pay for me. "I'm not going to be able to graduate into a cushy job. "And in fact, everything that I was told about the way that the world works "turns out not to be the case." GRAY: The student debt crisis coupled with the rise in tuition rates over the past 30 years, it's just a perfect storm, it's a nightmare. (SINGING) We are the students We are the students The mighty, mighty students The mighty, mighty students MARK EPSTEIN: After 18 months of intense analysis, the board of trustees voted last week to charge tuition for all undergraduates admitted to the Cooper Union beginning with the class of 2014. SOBEL: Right after the announcement was made, I spoke to Jamshed. Jamshed was, you know, waving his hands, yelling, cutting us off. Right outside of the school, there was a lot of grieving. People were angry. You could kind of feel this chaotic energy. It kind of felt like at any moment something could happen. The moments right before an action starts are the most exciting, also scary. It was a really long planning session. Obviously, they can do these things, and they can overstep us. They can do that, and they're doing it. (SOBEL SPEAKING) We didn't know what to do, but people were like, "We have to do something. "Let's just go into the President's office. "We're just going to do it." We went in, 40 or so people, maybe more. GUARD: Lawrence? Lawrence? - STUDENTS: Door, people. - Lawrence? The secretary tried to say, "Don't go in there," but, you know, there was 40 of us. Jamshed wasn't there. "We, the students of the Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art "can no longer uphold or endorse the direction our college has taken "under the leadership of Jamshed Bharucha. "By voting no confidence today, "join us in keeping Cooper Union free to all." (WOMAN SPEAKING) First let me say, I'd rather you just leave. "Students and others currently engaged in "a sit-in of the President's suite are trespassing. "We're going to give a one-hour period for anyone to leave. "Anyone remaining on the 7th floor after that one-hour period "will be subject to disciplinary action." SOBEL: At some point, they are going to have to try and remove us. (CLAMORING) I am an officer of the Cooper Union! (MAN SPEAKING) - The police? - They're coming. (MAN SPEAKING) MAN: There are security guards on the other side of this glass, and there's two or three other men. (WOMAN SPEAKING) (APPLAUDING) ALL: Five, four, three, two, one. Free Cooper Union! SOBEL: For many of us it was the first time being in the President's office. We have this red light that we'd show to say that we're occupying the space. It's like being in a submarine. It's like a shared experience, and it's hard to sleep because there's all this energy. There is some physicality of having to be there, actually having to abstain from your normal life, and that's very powerful. This space of the action is also this great opportunity to have no one imposing structures on us. And this is really not asking permission and unapologetic, because we're not sorry. MALE STUDENT: An entire school does not have any confidence in your ability to lead The Cooper Union. If people have no confidence, it means that no, you're not going to be able to regain that trust, because there's none left. You know, it's a little simplistic to say that, "You don't do this, and you don't do that." I'm on the board. I was firmly for no tuition. The numbers are what they are. However they got there, that's where they are now. ALL: No! (CLAMORING) Can I finish? MAN: You need to go. You're so rude. BOB ESTRIN: I would like the tone of this whole discussion to cool down a little bit. It's pretty clear, I think, to all of us that this moment is different than anything that's come before. We haven't been to this point. All right? And I think we need to let go of some of the old dialogue, because we're in a new place right now. What we need to do, quite simply, is realize this moment in the country, with a trillion dollars in student debt, with all the models of higher education as a business, it's failing. This is a moment for this school to be the vision of what education can be in this country, just as it was the vision 150 years ago. It was part of a radical capitalist vision. It is rooted in a turn-of-the-century idea about humanity, and it's an idea that I think is incredibly contemporary and incredibly urgent. All right? To effectively lead us, you need to realize the moment you're in and the position you're in. It is a historic position, it is a historic moment. This is a big step that you came here to meet with us, but we need a leap, not a gamble. (ALL APPLAUDING) (INDISTINCT CHANTING) THIEL: Universities are clearly at a crisis point. We've had runaway cost inflation. This is not what either the kids or the parents signed up for. KAMENETZ: For yea rs, we've been saying college is a great investment no matter what. And now people are starting to ask really, really tough questions about the role that colleges play in American society, the authority that they have, their moral high ground. NEWSCASTER: Moody's is saying that college might not be worth the cost. The rating agency says the high cost of college plus growing public doubts about the value of a bachelor's degree has caused it to revise down its outlook on the entire higher education sector to negative. There's going to be a collapse. One way or another, there's going to be a crisis. It gets to the point where the price of a degree is so high that people just don't want to pay for it anymore. THIEL: This is not what most colleges want to talk about. They want to pretend the education is something that's completely non-financial. It's an end in itself. These are very noble ideals, but they don't make sense when people are taking on $100-200,000 in student debt. (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I don't think you'll find a more fervent believer in the liberal arts than the guy holding the microphone in front of you today. When you start college, that's the time to discover what you love to do. It might be theater and biology. It might be neuroscience and religion. Whatever it is, now's the time when you have the chance to experiment, when you have the chance to open yourself up to new things, when you can discover who you are and who you might become. Yes, sir? What you just said is terrifically exciting. Reminds me of going back to when I went to school. But the truth is many of us in this room are about to lay out a whole lot of money to you. - Tell me one thing. - Yes. Is my daughter going to have a job and she's not going to come back home after it's done? (LAUGHING) "ls your daughter gonna have a job and not come back home?" (STAMMERS) Uh, I can't tell you that, although the time to be defensive about education is not now. This is the time to be aggressive about a broadly-based, intensely-personal and intensively-practical form of education, whatever school you go to. And it is expensive. I know. I don't have to tell you parents here. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) LISA RUCKINSKI: We're definitely ensconced in this view that there's only one way to go to college. And that's, you know, the four-year private school where your kids live in dorms with their friends and have all their meals taken care of and someone cleaning the bathroom. I'm amply stressed about the college search to come. MAN: if you look directly that way, that is the new One World Trade building that they're building. RUCKINSKI: All the parents I know, they're like their kids' college search managers. MAN: So, welcome to the Bobst Library, everyone. As you can see, it's a very massive building. Altogether there are about nine libraries in the NYU family and about six million volumes as well. RUCKINSKI: I want this for my kids. It's just too bad it costs $60,000 a year, and it really does cost $60,000 a year. And this is the main building for student life here on the NYU campus. We have two athletic facilities for you to go to. They do have, like, pools. There's a rock climbing wall even in one. There's a squash court in one. So if you're really into fitness... It takes a real shift to consider something different, when our kids are on this path towards a college degree. THIEL: Going to college has become a way to avoid thinking about the future. "What are you going to do with your life?" "I don't know. I'm just going to get another degree." And instead of getting one credential after another on some sort of track, I think it's very important to think hard about, "if you didn't go to college, what would you do instead?" Peter Thiel, the man who founded PayPal, funded Facebook, is offering 24 college students $100,000 if they drop out of school and start their own business. KYRIE BYER: When you think of hacking, the first thing people think of ls literally hacking a computer. Hacking your education is really finding an alternative. I might go to college, I might not. So that's why I'm here right now. If you wanna challenge yourself not to go college, or if you wanna challenge yourself to go to college and get the most out of college, you have to reflect on what it is you're buying and what it is your parents are buying. The idea that you're going to go to keg parties for four years sounds cool, but when you think about what parents pay for, really what they're paying for is for you to not be left behind in the information economy, right? DALE STEPHENS: People say to me all the time, "Dale, aren't you ruining people's lives "by encouraging them to take a risk and not go to college?" I think it's much riskier to go to college and take on $20,000 of debt per year and then have miserable job prospects when you get out and to have to start repaying that debt. That seems like a really high risk to me. When you look at higher education, what you realize is what you're paying for is this mythical, large bundle of things that you're supposed to get. So I'm here to give you a framework to look at what types of services you could be accessing that could either supplement or kind of replace going to college. So I've unbundled college into three parts. The first is engaging with content you're supposed to learn. So it could be through a lecture, transferring content to you. Then there's an affiliate network. Enduring relationships with people that are going to took out for you, that are going to help you find opportunities. And the third is a credential of accepted value, which is literally a piece of paper that certifies that you have met some minimum level of competency. When I went to school, there was no way to access the services that higher education provided easily and freely or cheaply on the Internet. And it turns out, well, now you kind of can. What do you see, you know, in a world in which degrees don't matter so much, but where people say, "Hey, I'm a dropout, but..." I mean, not that you're going to phrase it that way. I won't necessarily say first off that I've dropped out of school, but they'll look at it and they'll say, "So you have experience." Since I was paying for college myself, I realized pretty early on it's too expensive for me to find myself in college. I need work experience, I need life experience, I need to get out of college and actually start my own path. BYER: There's, like, 4,000 schools right now. In a couple of years, that whole number is going to get depleted, and the only colleges that are really going to matter in the future are going to be the prestigious Ivy League colleges that have made a name for themselves. My mom didn't go to college, but my dad, he is definitely a person who's benefitted well from college. They thought I was crazy. (LAUGHS) They were like, "What is this? "A whole bunch of kids coming to San Francisco (ALL LAUGH) "who all don't want to go to college?" They thought it was more like a cult. ELIZABETH STARK: A friend of mine told me, "There's this Education Hackerhouse, "and you have to meet the people," because I was also into the future of education. STARK: I had no idea there was this whole community of people that were passionate about the future of knowledge and learning. We've had hackers come in and sleep on bunk beds working on their apps. We've had meetups in the backyard. We've had a variety of startups working out of this house. And it's a community of people that believes that we don't need to rely on traditional schools or institutions. There's no longer a great value proposition in paying 200K for a degree, particularly when you're not at an Ivy League school. I didn't want to go to college because of the cost in terms of time and money, and I thought that this would be an excellent place to kind of get the college equivalent, because I get the academics living with startup entrepreneurs and living with tech people. It forces me to grow up, because you have to do your own dishes, you have to cook for yourself, you have to deal with rent, all that kind of stuff. In Silicon Valley, we don't care about accolades or experience, even. We care about skills. As, you know, things progress, degrees will matter less and less. You shouldn't have to have 200K or have 200K of debt in order to learn a lot, be really talented, and then show the world what your skills are capable of doing. ZUCKERBERG: I dropped out of college to start working on Facebook full time out here. Um, I later talked to my mom about it, and she told me that she knew that I was going to drop out of college. SCHIFF: There are a lot of very successful entrepreneurs, there are multi-millionaires, we've had billionaires that didn't go to college. In fact, I'd say today, given the Internet and the ease with which you can become self-educated, there's more reasons than ever not to have to go. Truthfully, that's very bad advice, because those people were all exceptions to the rule. They made it in spite of a system and apparatus that said they wouldn't. The safest bet, by far, is to go to college. The Thiel Fellowship is focused on, um, a small subset of people who, I think, will do fantastic even without a college credential. I think it is a much more difficult question what one does for people from, uh, average backgrounds, less-advantaged backgrounds. I don't have answers for it. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) MICHAEL ROTH: Many intellectuals are saying that it would be better if some people don't go to college at all. I think that's an assault on democracy, and it's an attempt to keep people in their place and reinforce social inequality. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Education should foster social mobility and the possibility of equality. You have to be crazy to intentionally not get a college degree if you have a choice today. And if the college education is really a college education and not just training in one particular little field, you learn how to learn. So that can actually open up new things in your life long after college. (INDISTINCT TALKING) Part of our responsibility as educators is actually to help inspire students to connect with problems in the world, because we're leaving them with a lot of problems, (CHUCKLES) and I think they know that actually, and they want to engage. (BAGPIPES PLAYING) SOBEL: We have three demands, that Jamshed steps down as president, that the board and the administration publicly affirm the mission statement, including free tuition, and the third is to have more democratic governance. MAYOR BLOOMBERG: Now I know this has been a difficult time for The Cooper Union community. There is anger, there is disappointment over the tuition issue. But the debate you're having really isn't about whether education is free. It's really a debate about who can, and who is, willing to pay for it. There's nothing really free in life. MAN: Please join me in welcoming the President of The Cooper Union, Jamshed Bharucha. (APPLAUSE) BHARUCHA: it is with awe and humility that I stand before you to honor our students. To our graduating students, congratulations. You have distinguished yourselves beyond imagination. (MUFFLED SPEECH) (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) JAMES SPRANG: Fellow graduates, I would like you all to assist me, please, in filling this hall with our voices. (SCATTERED CLAPPING) Mic check. STUDENTS: Mic check! SPRANG: Mic check! STUDENTS: Mic check! Hope. STUDENTS: Hope! Hope is everything. STUDENTS: Hope is everything! To do a dull thing with hope... STUDENTS: To do a dull thing with hope will never be preferable... STUDENTS: ...will never be preferable to doing a dangerous thing with hope. STUDENTS: ...to doing a dangerous thing with hope. JOHN HENNESSY: There is a change coming. There has to be a change coming. The four-year undergraduate residential experience is the gold standard. Small classes, lots of intimate contact. How do we create as close to that ideal as we can while reducing cost? Technology has to be part of that solution, a big part of it. Some people, including the President of Stanford University who uses the metaphor of a tsunami, believe that MOOCs, "Massive Open Online Courses," are going to transform American higher education, and indeed higher education around the world, beyond recognition and sweep away everything that we associate with colleges like this one. HENNESSY: The MOOC revolution began when Daphne Koller, my colleague in computer science, had come to me a number of years ago. She talked about a way of teaching differently with online technology. Then she recruited Sebastian Thrun to try some experiments. Welcome to the online introduction to artificial intelligence. My name is Sebastian Thrun. We're teaching this class at Stanford, and now we're teaching it online for the entire world. We're really excited about this. Sebastian said, "Well, let's open this course "to everybody in the world." There was a bit of chaos, I must say, um, but there was also some real excitement, particularly when hundreds of thousands of students, uh, started initially indicating interest. We had an opportunity to really change the access that hundreds of thousands or even millions of people had to an education that they would never otherwise have been able to get. There's a red pill and a blue pill. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) And you can take the blue pill and go back to your classroom and lecture your 20 students. But We taken the red pill, and I've seen Wonderland. Having done this, I can't teach at Stanford again. These professors who took part in the first round of MOOCs left Stanford to start their own venture capital-funded startups. Their rival on the East Coast is edx, which is coming out of MIT and Harvard. MALAN: CS50x, one of Harvard's first courses involved in the edx initiative debuted this past Monday. Turns out we had a few more, uh, students show up on Monday than we initially expected. CS50x has 100,000 people following along at home. (AUDIENCE CHEERS) KAMENETZ: All of these platforms are using short videos, interactive questions, and online chat sessions, even robe-grading, to translate courses that were created at the world's top universities into versions that can and are being taken by millions of people all around the globe absolutely for free. (INDISTINCT TALKING) ROTH: One of the reasons we're experimenting with online education is to see if the technology can actually increase access to high-quality education. I don't know what people wilt learn. That's the most important question. For me, this is an interactive medium that empowers the students, just very much like a video game. So we ask the question, "ls there a different way to teach "that enables students to find out "by themselves how to solve problems?" JOHN OWENS: Let me come back to one piece of this code that needs a little more explanation, and that's this kernel call. Here's the name of the kernel call square. The way that I'm teaching is very different when I'm doing it under the camera As opposed to in the classroom. Most of what they see is hands, and hands evidently humanize it for the students more than if they were just looking at Whiteboards. But that is literally all they're going to see. So as far as they know, I'm a robot. THRUN: We're certainly, um... I guess we are controversial, because we take the focus away from the professor and put the focus back on the student. (LAUGHS) OWENS: Does it really make sense to have 500 professors in 500 different universities each teach students in a very similar way, or do you take the rock star and put him here, and you let him spend 10 times as much time? You know, maybe that rock star could do a little bit better job for these students. - Argh! I blew it on the last sentence. - (BELL DINGS) Okay, try that again. For instance... STUDENTS: (CHANTING) The students united will never be divided! What is happening to higher education is not good for America, and it's not good for the young people. This huge cost structure that is part of the marketization of so many things in our society, where does it get out of hand? I think it's getting out of hand right now. I don't want to see tuition go up, but I don't know that I can convince my colleagues here at the state capitol to provide more money. So we have to look at ways of changing the design. In 2012, I get this email message saying, "Hey, my name is Governor Brown. We should talk." JERRY BROWN: I was reading the New York Times on Sunday, and I saw his name, found his email. I emailed him. He called me back very soon thereafter. We spent about an hour on the phone, and Governor Brown explained to me, "Look, you've been focused on "bringing this extremely high-end Stanford-level education to the world. "But realize, the disaster in California is not that. "It's really the lower level where lots of kids are left behind." From the beginning, California's been a place of pioneers and scoundrels and bold people. The California State University System is a part of that lineage. DELBANCO: California pioneered the best public education system in the world. SELINGO: They saw higher education as the ticket to a better life for people in California and to a better economy. And when you think about what California has contributed to the American economy, you can trace so much of it back To its higher education system. DELBANCO: It was a tiered system with the community colleges, the state colleges, and the great research universities. A system that virtually guaranteed college education to every high school graduate in the state of California. The vision of Clark Kerr would provide instruction at all levels, and students could move upward through it. California prospers in large part to the extent that it provides ready opportunity for all of its citizens to secure education appropriate to their interests and abilities. SELINGO: The California system is still a model for the rest of the nation. The problem now is that as the state has pulled back on its financial commitment to those systems, the ideal there is really under threat. (CHEERING) Only 16% of the students at Cal State get out in four years, and the longer you stay, the more you spend. So this is a big huge problem with student debt approaching a trillion dollars. ELLEN JUNN: Our students are very hard-working. Many of them are first-generation to college, And more than 50% of our students need to take remedial courses. But with the increasing budget cuts, we're unable to offer remedial math both semesters. My goal as the provost was to do some pilot testing. San Jose could be a living laboratory of students to test MOOC material. (APPLAUSE) Today San Jose State will sign a partnership agreement with Udacity. Our aim, to focus like a laser on entry-level classes for college credit. That's the key, it's for college credit. (APPLAUSE) RITA MANNING: My colleagues were shocked San Jose State wanted to be involved at all in anything at all like Udacity. We're licensing our education to a for-profit outside vendor that's a startup. I wouldn't hire a startup do a bathroom remodel in my house. ANN LARSON: What's happening in California is crisis management tactics. Public funding is drying up, so they need to offer more courses for less money, and putting a class on the Internet seems like the easiest way. But whether or not it's the best way and whether or not people who are standing to profit should be making this decision, (SHUTTER CLICKS) I haven't heard much honest conversation about that. We're giving taxpayer money to private business. MODERATOR: We're ready for the first question. (MAN SPEAKING) We haven't... We can't disclose the amount. I'm sorry. I mean, if we're going to spend money, why give it to Udacity? Why not just hire people to teach the classes? LARSON: The idea of a public college that is publicly-funded and is accessible is under attack. So we're really creating hierarchies, Where the students who can afford it work with teachers, have one-on-one face-time with faculty, and students who can't afford it will go on YouTube. The results, uh, for the first Udacity courses are, I think, profound. PETER HADREAS: The data is outrageous. The pass rate in Elementary Statistics from Udacity, 50.5%. College Algebra, 25.4%. Entry Level Math, 23.8%. I mean, that is downright scary. What we want is a silver bullet. What we want is a magic pill. Well, there isn't, unfortunately. And it's certainly not Udacity. Oops! We blew it! They didn't learn the material. They couldn't succeed in the next-level classes. Oh, well! Retention rates and pass rates in online courses are lower than in face-to-face just because you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. So by the same token, students have to have that, um, discipline, motivation and persistence. INTERVIEWER: Right. But you could also say that you have to have a teacher - to bring those qualities out... - Yes. - ...and to coach them. - Mmm. JUNN: And we did attempt to do that with online mentors. You'll be seeing a lot of our hands throughout the course, but we thought we would show you our faces too so you can get to know us better. DELBANCO: The students who need the most attention, who are least confident about their abilities as learners, there's a lot of evidence that those students don't learn very much from MOOCs. So I'm not quite prepared to give up on the California vision of Clark Kerr and turn it over to the Silicon Valley and say, "Onward and upward and rescue us from this morass." (INDISTINCT CHATTER) I have so much work to do. CS50 this week is stupid. STUDENT: What is it? You ever heard of E-Trade? It's that. Oh, that stock thing? We have to build it. E-Trade. BOONE: I'm sitting there like, "All right, this is just too much." I started to wonder, "Am I going to be able to finish? "Am I going to be able to do this?" I just have to leverage what I have and not be so self-conscious about the things that I'm not good at, because you already have, you know, 10 people in your class that you can connect with and work with and collaborate with. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) SARAH SISKIND: I mean, look at this. This is a computer science class that could be entirely taught online, and is, to a large extent, but still look at how many people are in this dining hall who need help. They need help in person. That's why they're here. Mmm-hmm. Um, could you walk me through that? I don't know what that means. Okay, so when you see square brackets, that usually means an array. Oh, like how after that I have "comma session id" there should be more commas? So by doing this, this wards off one of those attacks we started talking about briefly, a SQL injection attack. Students require constant engagement on my part, on the teaching staff's part. Most of us are up at all hours of the night. We have pretty much 24/7 coverage. Students can ask questions almost any hour and get answers within minutes. So you're on the right track, and I'm really just proposing that you comment this out temporarily, just to at least get the whole thing working, and then you can plug in the additional data that you need. You can't, at least right now, just replace a teacher with an automaton, with some kind of robot or talking head on a screen. Nothing beats person-to-person contact. - See, there you go. That was the issue. - Oh. FAUST: The human experience has a magic about it, and this is not replicable. We're not going to replace that kind of learning, students working together on projects that involve being there physically. FAUST: So how do we put these things together, the face-to-face and the opportunities of the online, and how can we come up with hybrid models? CARNEVALE: Community colleges are the most flexible institutions we have. They are the most open to alternative curriculums, because they've always had to scramble to educate the less-advantaged kids in America. What we need to accomplish today is to take a look at these lectures from edx. And so if you have any questions or problems, today is the day to kind of address those. JAIME L'HEUREUX: The model here is to teach flipped classroom. And what that means is to have the lecture content be outside of the class. Students have an MIT professor doing video lectures, and they watch that at home. When they've completed a lecture, they come in here, they work in small groups, they talk to each other, they're encouraged to help each other, using more hands-on, using lots more problem solving skills and critical thinking. The character function will call up any character that has an ASCII value. I guess my method to do that was maybe a little bit different. By doing flipped classroom, eliminating the large lecture, there's an opportunity for the faculty member now to spend their time helping those students who are struggling. Are you testing it now, making sure it's working? Okay, good. How are we doing over here? L'HEUREUX: We have to do something to keep students engaged, for them to learn. This is our job. This is what we're here for. CARNEVALE: We're in an experimental mode. We have no choice but to go very fast. Experimentation will produce success and failure, and we need to learn to live with that, because technology is the hope for many young people who otherwise won't be able to afford the education they need. BEN WEEKS: I think there's a tendency to romanticize the top-tier Ivy League schools. I think what is more important is to have the... The personal will to follow through on one's ideas and to spend their time to actually be impassioned about the things that they're working on. I feel that that is a much more important, um, dialogue to have with yourself. This is where I spent a decent amount of my life. It was like one of the toughest neighborhoods in Cleveland. It's been tough this semester. I'm not doing particularly well in any of my classes, and I start to question, "Maybe I'm not cut out to be here." And I just have to slap myself back to reality, like, "Wait, dawg, you're doing "everything in your power to do well." And, like, if I dropped out of Harvard, I'm back where I started. I haven't actually bettered myself at all. I want to better myself. GRANDFATHER: I look at you as a young man, and I say, "You know, he could have been a drug addict. "He could have ran the streets. "He could have been a hoodlum." But you wanted to make something out of life, - and that's what I'm so proud of. - Mmm-hmm. They're gonna look at you and say, "He's from Ohio, he's from Cleveland, "and he was in college trying to make something out of himself." But you've got a lot of people out there try to discourage you. But you can't let that happen. It's a shame that, like, kids don't realize that, so they can position theyselves to take advantage of all these opportunities, because, I mean, there's just so much. All right, I'll see you later. - Okay, hon, we love you, hon. - Love you, too. As a kid, you had all these wild fantasies and dreams about what you wanted to do when you got older. But what people consider a normal fife where I come from is to leave school and go get a job in a factory. They get caught in the cycle of poverty, caught in that ghetto, almost. That's like the fife to you. You don't know anything better. College is the place where you figure out that there's something better. It's finally over. I survived the challenge that is CS50! (SPEAKING) Yeah, it's just I wanted to do more. I had this big goal... DELBANCO: The more campuses one visits, the more one discovers that the diversity of America's college students is mind-boggling. (CROWD CHEERING) And everywhere I go, I meet students who give me hope for the future of our country. It has been and will continue to be a challenge to keep the doors of college open to provide the best possible education to as many people as possible. Not everybody's going to want it. Not everybody will be able to take good advantage of more education. But let's not assume that college has outlived its usefulness. Let's not assume that it's inevitable that public support for institutions of higher learning has to just continue to decline. There are other choices that can be made. I mean, what kind of a society do we want to be? We should tap into the idealism of young people and provoke students to think for themselves, to think critically about the way society is put together. America has been all about critical thinking. That's how we became America. STUDENT: I support the occupation! STUDENTS: I support the occupation! I support the mission statement! STUDENTS: I support the mission statement! And I support the notion of free and accessible education for all! (CHEERING AND CLAMORING) SOBEL: This was one of the longest student occupations in American history. Everyone I know has given so much of their time and their energies trying to save our school. It is very tiring, and it feels very much uphill. There's so much other work that needs to be done. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) MAN: In favor. SOBEL: It's really tragic that the only resolution they could think of is to charge tuition, but I think the tuition announcement was not the end of an era. It was actually the beginning of a campaign. It might take a tong time to see the world that we want to live in. But anytime someone says, "You can't do that," a little trigger goes off in my head, and I'm like, "But you can." melancholy mild air. If you are a teacher, you get each fall semester for a new school year and you know you're a year older, but students have the same age forever. Still recovering. The university is the way of trying to preserve cultural memory. It is an effort to cheat death, a struggle against time and mortality. United States has offered higher education ANDREW DELBANCO PROFESSOR OF HUMANITIES UNIVERSITY OF COLUMBIA a large percentage of its population than any other company. But many of the forces now converge and create anxiety. Does the college is overvalued? I say it's a myth. It has become a career education. Does the college is very expensive? I think it will be equal to the executions. Your future is bright! Students will default ... All parents trying to afford to educate their children feel the impact, and access to a college degree It is much more difficult at this time. Of all the bombs explode in the American economy, Student loan debt in the nation Mega $ 1 trillion. We would see a tsunami of defaults. There are problems in all areas of higher education, and it is logical to expect that students and their families want to know that when they leave the university, they will have skills why someone would be willing to remunerate. 2013 GRACIAS, WIKIPEDIA Many people with college degrees working as a waiter, limpia bathrooms, leads taxis. Almost half of the students did not benefit their learning. But there is also an apocalyptic dimension in this regard. And it is the idea that the concept of college is about to fall. Only a very small group of universities will survive intact on the other side of this giant wave. At this point, people say: "Do not go to college." Is college worth it? There have been times in history where those who said that the future would look very different very soon were right. This podria be that moment. Torre de Marfil MOVING DAY OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY Welcome students of 1st year of Harvard Change student SOLO 20 minutes to download / upload Mesa Information for Freshmen This is the statue of John Harvard. People come from all over the world to take pictures with this statue. In education, there are powerful forces why people imitate what others do without thinking about why they do it. PETER THIEL - COFUNDADOR, PAYPAL - THIEL FELLOWSHIP Something like: "How do you enter the right college? "How do you get your child to follow the right track?". The university has been sold as the key to a better future. And something has gone very wrong in the past decades. For a long time, higher education was privileged Anya Kamenetz DIY U AUTORA DE be a black box. Prestige and created a mystique around it, but never examine carefully the contents of the box. We must rethink what specific things people learn are and why they are valuable. CALL FOR ENTERING HARVARD UNIVERSITY OF SEPTEMBER 4, 2012 Welcome, Class of 2016. Maybe they noticed that some expect you to save the world, DREW FAUST - CHANCELLOR OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY preferably before graduation. But remember important part of all who are successful are dispuestos to fail. FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL HARVARD UNIVERSITY ENTER TO INCREASE YOUR WISDOM At Harvard we believe the best college is humanistic liberal education. And that means a broad education on human concerns. DREW FAUST - CHANCELLOR OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY We do not educate students for their first job. We want to give them the skills to think, reason and question all his life. Increasingly, technology is something so that every educated person should be familiar in the XXI century. We have an introductory course to computer known as CS50, which is now the busiest in the course of field grade. ROB BOWDEN - LAST YEAR STUDENT OF HARVARD ASSISTANT CHAIR, CS50 Everyone on campus know the CS50. It is definitely a course of worship. I think, in part, relates to Facebook LOUISE EISENACH - 1st YEAR STUDENT AND STUDENT OF CS50 and Mark Zuckerberg attend Harvard. That's what happens in our generation. Mature people, founded their own companies Create your own websites, and does amazing things with technology, and I think that is CS50. This is CS50. Today we begin to explore the basic principles of computer and the art of programming. Gain practical skills DAVID Malan teachers CS50 it may to apply to all kinds of fields. And I know that is not so important where they end up in relation to their classmates, but at the end of the 11th week of the semester, where they eventually respect yourselves this day. CS50 "HORAS HÁBILES" Sometimes it can be intimidating, because there are many people who have more preparation. Many times it is easy to say, "How can I do this?". Because nothing in the enti entry. College is very different from the environment to which he was accustomed. My experience has been a little difficult. I have a source DAVID BOONE - 1st YEAR STUDENT - STUDENT OF CS50 rather modest. The summer before starting ninth year, Teen worker moves from homelessness to Harvard I was tempted to join a gang. I refused. If vengaron mi family, mi le fired home. From my experience and my background, I'm much more motivated. I remember that time, and makes further thank all or have now. Before coming here, it was a year that did not have a bed, and when you enter the bedroom, honestly, I jumped on the bed. That meant a lot to me. It is a true blessing. Just being here and changed the dynamics of my family. Whenever it is said, "To move forward as a family, Moneek DAVIS MADRE DE DAVID "Each generation must overcome." David said, "Mom, how we will pay for college?" "What if I go in and I can not afford it?". I said, "Trust me, God will open the way.". Harvard is between 1.25% universities with full scholarship, allowing you to David attend free of charge. You should see our first video. He was sitting there looking at the camera like a star. When we got to the campus of Harvard, I thought: "My baby is in Harvard." The first college in the country, Harvard College, was the daughter of the University of Cambridge in England. The Puritans had arrived in New England in early 1630, and after settling with the basics, food and shelter, focused their attention on to found a college. In that sense, the faculty was a branch of the Church. The fundamental for college class It is the modern version of the sermon. They were convinced that students could become that their lives have meaning and purpose. Harvard is the DNA of almost all higher education in USA CLAYTON CHRISTENSEN - AUTOR DE THE INNOVATOR'S DILEMMA Established the model to imitate every university THE DNA OF HIGHER EDUCATION USA For better resources, better teachers, most prestigious, best students. As Harvard that DNA transmitted to the other, created a career. When the colonial powers became universities, as new institutions were founded as universities, started growing tension between the mission of educating young and competition for prestige, the beat your rivals. A US schools motivates the search for prestige. ANTHONY CARNEVALE - EDUCATIONAL CENTER AND WORKING GROUP UNIVERSIDAD GEORGETOWN BEST AMERICAN UNIVERSITIES IN 2012 And the way to gain prestige is to get high in the ranking, which expands your market and allows you to charge more. BEST PUBLIC SCHOOLS Then, to move up the list, everyone should keep adding more programs and Facilities at a faster rate than the competition. That was the most ambitious vision for a university, was a place of higher education research. It included every possible discipline, and expansion knew no bounds. It became the model you had to integrate to investigate. You had to provide housing, classrooms, all necessary food, and facilities demanded to participate in the game. It is a game that is hard to keep. The higher education system elite residential created by the Americans in recent centuries, is remarkably effective. Few would dispute. MITCHELL STEVENS - Analysis Center for Education Policy STANFORD UNIVERSITY But it is also extremely inefficient in terms of resources to produce these spectacular places. Higher education in USA It has been very successful for centuries. But now things are changing, because costs increased exponentially. We have such an expensive product many people can not afford and should borrow, which is simply not viable. The increase in enrollment is unsustainable. PRICE OF THE UNIVERSITY SINCE 1978 In both we can continue charging year after year after year without bumping against a brick wall. The enrollment has increased more than any other good or service throughout the American economy since 1978. VS VS UNIVERSITY HEALTH FOOD We are in an environment where we cut spending on higher education. Basically states have moved away. JEFF SELINGO - DIRECTOR CHRONICLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION In colleges and universities have tuition, a safety valve. While assignments in USA down, university enrollments increased. STATE FUNDING FROM REGISTRATION VS 1980 TUITION FINANCING -40% + 230% We lost $ 100 million in financing, TERESA SULLIVAN - CHANCELLOR, UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA and the board replaced one in four of those dollars with tuition. FINANCIAM. ESTATAL - MATRÍCULA Virginia 2008-2013 Now, much of the cost of education is facing the student. And student loans are an important part of the equation. IT'S TIME TO TALK TO PAY FOR COLLEGE The availability of loans to pay for college makes families less sensitive to price, and that universities compete less for the price. All competition is based on: "We're better than before, and we are better than you." Universities fight over profits. AUBURN UNIVERSITY RECREATION AND WELLNESS CENTER - 572 MILLION If one offers something all should. UNIVERSITY OF NORTH DAKOTA STUDENT WELLNESS CENTER - $ 20 MILLION Add lectures and plasma televisions. We are reaching the point where we have a pool in each room. UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI STUDENT RECREATION COMPLEX - 338.9 MILLION They have swimming pools with sun terraces, sun beds. The student says: "I take a long bubble bath "And no one will complain." In EE. UU., Flowers building colleges and universities. It is a war of higher education. RICHARD ARUM NEW YORK UNIVERSITY It is a feeding frenzy STUDENT RECREATION CENTER PORTLAND - 869.5 MILLION a better student center or stadium. UNIVERSIDAD DE MINNESOTA THE GOPHER HOLE $ 303.3 millon Sometimes it can be grotesque. CENTRO DE MIT WAS $ 300 millones I think what we see is a disoriented universities UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA TWIN CITIES CAMPUS and that have become huge business structures around them. They are mini cities. Families want many of these facilities. MICHAEL ROTH RECTOR, UNIVERSIDAD WESLEYAN The proverbial stone wall. CAL STATE FULLERTON - CENTRO RECREATIVO $40.6 MILLONES To sustain, universities should borrow and charge more. To pay an enrollment of 860000 ... The notion of student as consumer is gaining strength when both are charged for their education. CAUTION - CAUTION: ROAD CONSTRUCTION We think of student debt, but in the last decade, the same institutions, universities and colleges, doubled the assumed debt. In fact, we see that they have hired more people never a floor classroom, and hence much of the high cost of college emerges. MORE COLLEGE PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT 1975 - TEACHERS Administrations often the swinging tail of the dog. 240% 51% ADMINISTRATION FACULTY JOHN SEXTON - UNIVERSITY OF NY SALARY: $ 1.5 MILLION There shameless guiding the amounts they charge. E. GORDON GEE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY OF 31.9 MILLION ROBERT ZIMMER - UNIVERSIDAD DE CHICAGO: $ 3.3 millones Now we begin to question what we paid. Are you really paying for better quality education? UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA TEMPE, ARIZONA Before, if you went into a public university do not cost much money. The Univ. California was free. MICHAEL CROW - ARIZONA UNIVERSITY RECTOR Tuition fees in Arizona used to be almost zero. We must return to the point where there is not a huge financial barrier that must be overcome to access university education excellence. As a public university, our responsibility is to take a sample of the talent of our society, Over 76,000 students are enrolled at ASU. And give excellent education the lowest possible cost. Many people would say that's impossible. We say it should be possible. ASU is the best public research universities, other qualification but has many consider ... A partying college. BEST UNIVERSITIES OF PLAYBOY Cheerleader It's funny, we were amused. That is, we laugh seriously. NRO. 3 UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA Our learning model is the toga of Cambridge or Oxford or the guy from the East Coast to Boston, New York or something that curls up on his pedestal on a cold winter night. When you live in a place where the sun shines, with palm trees and beautiful weather, people think you're not serious, but all that is false college parties. It is the faculty partying! Come on, what do we do now? It is paradise, baby! Everything is wonderful. ASU is a great university, and clear that people celebrate and drink, go crazy and all. ENGINEERING STUDENTS UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA But you do not have to. They say that ASU is a "college partying" according Playboy or whatever. BRENDAN ARNOLD STUDENT LAST YEAR, ASU The average ASU student gets drunk as a Cuba and is considered a tasteless hedonistic. Paying the Piper - COLLEGE MAINTAINS THE INEQUALITY In 2004, we began to see parties in public universities WEST VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY COLLEGE FIESTERA NRO 2013. 1 UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO UNIVERSITY 2011 Fiesta NRO. 1 and how it did not fit with students who want to graduate. LAURA HAMILTON - COAUTORA DE PAYING FOR THE PARTY College is fun, that's not a problem. But institutions organized college parties and they charged for it, but do not require anything from them academically. In fact, just give them beer and circus. In this time of diminished state support, ELIZABETH ARMSTRONG COAUTORA DE PAYING FOR THE PARTY students who can not pay tuition subsidized without seeking financial support are very important for college. We must address these scholars paying students and less parrandear wanting. We celebrate! We celebrate! In the past 20 years, unsubsidized students doubled in the public universities. On average, these students pay more than twice the in-state tuition. Unsubsidized students choose a university for social life. Excellent deportiva supply system, fraternities, greater lifestyle luxury condominiums. But that has consequences for others. THE VUE LUXURY STUDENT RESIDENCE The Vue is a complex of privatized housing. They have poolside parties very often, where all get drunk and take drugs, and terrific fights are armed. ¡ASU! ASU students idealize this "residential complex" where you spend time poolside smoking cigars, when you should focus on your education and obtain a diploma. Academically adrift little learning at universities 36% of the boys in our study says who studied less than five hours per week, less than an hour a day. RICHARD ARUM - COAUTOR DE ACADEMICALLY ADRIFT Them full time. Half of the boys said that none of the classes wrote more than 20 pages. We face a situation in this country where a large number of students failing to achieve good academic standing. There are many distractions, and no one has. Some are not ready for the college level. Disapprove materials SEBASTIAN NAVARRO - 2nd YEAR STUDENT COUNSELOR IN ASU or drop courses mid-semester because they do not do well. For the fourth year are discouraged and drop out or do not have the motivation to continue. Student Success Center Management I am director of entrants. You try to give them advice. You try to show them how to study better. You try to teach them a better way to do their homework. Displeases a couple of chairs because they lacked and did the job, so ... It is very easy to fall into that trap. You mentalizarte in graduarte, that it may go well in college to succeed. In 2012, 68% of students of univ. Public do not graduate in 4 years. Many of the actors in higher education lack a genuine interest 44% do not graduate in six years. To promote academic and learning requirement. Focus on something else. Teachers are increasingly benefits in terms of promotions, job titles, salaries, for its research productivity and scholarship. And concentrate on teaching interfere with this investigation and that scholarship. When institutions evaluate teaching, they tend to use student assessments. The MIS qualify TEACHERS At the end of the course, students take a tooth satisfaction survey: "How much you like this course?". "¿If you recommend to a friend?". Teachers are encouraged not to be strict but to be lenient with notes, You approve with ease! You use very little books. Because the only measurement that institutions consider Course very, very easy! It is: "Students are satisfied as consumers?". You do not even have to read At the same time, the number of full-time teachers fell dramatically, and replaced part-time adjunct faculty. Many have limited resources to focus on a strict academic education. Expansion and renovation of student centers Institutions invest in other things, like-minded company. But they are non-profit organizations. They are accountable to the public. They are responsible for fulfilling their mission. It is absolutely right that we put on the table at American universities and we demand more. Abuses are outrageous. ANDREW DELBANCO AUTOR COLLEGE: WHAT IT WAS, IS AND SHOULD BE But we do not want to erase history of higher education and say: "These places are not "To form the character of autodescubrimiento". DEATH VALLEY TURN RIGHT -1 KM Some universities sought to expand the spectrum in intensity of the experience. UNIVERSIDAD DEEP SPRINGS For example, the University Deep Springs, where students undertake two years to leave the world. Located on a ranch in Death Valley, California, Deep Springs is a free school for boys. Deep Springs' mission is to provide free education young people who are prepared to serve humanity. This is achieved through what they call the three pillars. Self-government, BENNET BERGMAN 2 ° AÑO, DEEP SPRINGS academic training and work. We live in a small community. We spent half the time in class and half working on the farm or in some way to the community. At weekly meetings, exercise self-government, which is basically assume responsibility to the community. What courses we chose together. Post Political Theory is Marx, Critical Theory and Frankfurt School, Nietzsche. I think there is something very rewarding about deepening very intensely on a school of thought. Through this education unraveling hold ourselves somehow. I cared very little to go to college. JOHN STUART 1° AÑO, DEEP SPRINGS Was to go to Deep Springs on anything. You a place that you constantly Exige. And I like that. Because if I had gone to another university, I would have become self-absorbed and narcissistic. DANIEL LEIBOVITZ 2 ° AÑO, DEEP SPRINGS For me, the main attraction of Deep Springs is self-government, commit to people, and put myself in the shoes of others. In eso creo that arise in naturally. It is something that should teach. Has to be the result of education. The college class is perhaps the best test for democracy. Students learn to speak well, to listen with respect, and most of all, learn that they can enter a room with a view and leave with another. POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY SEMINAR According to Hegel, must have an identity as citizens because it creates bonds of affection. We are not just children or siblings, students or doctors, but we are also citizens. Why talk about the state? The expression of the individual through the state, I do not think. That's because we treat you like a person. What is defined as a person previously been the way we had to races outside the entire state, so I agree with you, why talk about the state if the definition of person not enough here? But do you recognize Hegel can be seen against this argument? Sure, yeah. I agree. But the best way to bring Hegel Today 're transgrediéndolo. Students have much to learn from other students. But the facts more transformers they are, in the end, hand in hand experiences with a teacher who looks you in the eyes. I had a bad experience at a public school. I saw a lot of racism, sexism, beat me, I fought. Teachers and families can do nothing. I think they can. Every time I come here and say: "What do you think of this? "You want to change these tasks? "¿Les liked these readings?" attempt to extend opportunities for representation, so do not treat them just like any student. The purpose of places like this is that they believe what they want here, right? And the problem is that to get what they want, must cooperate with others, ie try to find ways to communicate their anger himself ser antagonistas. Two hours of Hegel. We half-hour break, another hour and half hour of Lacan. Completely. Sí, makes me happy. Until Deep Springs seems to have become more and more obsolete or more and an idyllic fantasy there is something there, and we all feel, what they have experienced. This university stands for something. On the status of USA As a country that is increasingly seeking ambition and growth, in the nineteenth century, we begin to get the idea that a college education could benefit everyone, we should be able to learn everything we needed tener for self-esteem, to sostenernos, and also to be full citizens. The idea led to the Merrill Act in 1860. La Ley MORRILL OF 1862 In 1862, in the midst of the Civil War, Congress, surprisingly even managed to focus to approve the Merrill Act SENATOR JUSTIN MORRILL USA BY VERMONT which funded the distribution of land to the powers then they became great public universities. The federal government provided to the expansion of higher education dream on an unprecedented scale. This has never happened in society, have colleges from coast to coast, and were not only for the nobility. Senator Merrill still believed in education for the children of slaves, and after Reconstruction, created historical black colleges and universities. The institutions arose in an era of racial segregation COLLEGE WOMEN SERVING SPELMAN and gender segregation to ensure that blacks and American women receive higher education. UNIVERSIDAD SPELMAN ATLANTA, GEORGIA Spelman was founded less than 20 years after the end of slavery with the idea of ​​creating an educational opportunity BEVERLY TATUM RECTORA, UNIVERSIDAD SPELMAN for women who had not had. It is a place where a young woman says: "This place was built for me." I am a witness. FOUNDER'S DAY, 2013 UNIVERSITY SPELMAN Each student at Spelman It is a testimony. A witness to the prayers during slavery. Slavery. A themselves were denied ... Denied. - ... Education. Education. "I want my children to be educated." As predicted. Predicted! I think the main to be student in a historical black university BROOKE BREWSTER - final year University Spelman are all these conversations about race and gender, how both fit and how that affects what you think, what you feel. When you're in a place for four years with people who look like you and getting achievements, That has an effect on your safety. It is a space where you can grow as a person. Amirah MITCHELL - 2nd YEAR UNIVERSITY Spelman Winsor I went to Boston University, and are almost all white. Coming from a minority to a majority experience forces me to find an identity rather than the obvious. In my high school, saying, "Who is Amirah?" "It's the black girl." Here I have to solve it. There are many other intelligent black women here. GLEE CLUB TOUR OF Spelman The university is a place of mental growth and can also be a place for spiritual growth, because both go hand in hand. ¡Gloria! My sense of self is stronger, it helped me grow as a person. God will stir up the water So walk by the water Children You can live that experience without going to college. You can travel the world and have that experience. You can migrate your hometown and have that experience. But college is a place where all that is conjugated. Historical black colleges are powerful. There is a strong connection between students, alumni, DAVID BOONE, 1st YEAR STUDENT OF HARVARD and other historical black colleges. But in particular I did not run many black colleges. I was surrounded by black all my life. I went to a school where there were 90% of African Americans. I did not know how to interact with whites, was afraid. The best thing I learned while I was in Harvard is the ability to connect with people from different fields. I do not want to influence only in my community. I want to affect a larger community. All these institutions have made immense contributions to the history of our democracy. And if you can not have democracy without an educated citizenry, want that most citizens receive the best education possible. Philanthropists of the Golden Age they saw the mass higher education as a basic human right. Peter Cooper was an industrialist who I believe on free education as water and air. THE COOPER UNION FUNDADA EN 1859 Él fundó The Cooper Union, college of art and design industry in New York with the idea that was available to people from any source, to study a useful and practical art. But today The Cooper Union is one of the latest examples of free higher education institution in the country. FREE EDUCATION PETER BUCKLEY - PROFESOR DE HISTORIA - COOPER UNION A full scholarship for each student enrolled It is the mission of Cooper Union. Peter Cooper wanted one University VICTORIA SOBEL - LAST YEAR COLLEGE COOPER UNION accessible to workers, women, people of color. I come from a lower middle class family. My parents told me about Cooper. When I found out ... I became obsessed. Did not even think about going elsewhere. Today, everything is against This nineteenth-century model of free education. From the ideological and financial, it is old. Peter Cooper donó fondos Cooper Union to always be free. This donation includes the land under the Chrysler Building and has supported the mission of the university for more than 150 years. When Jamshed Bharucha, the current president took office, JAMSHED BHARUCHA - RECTOR, COOPER UNION - 2011-ACTUALIDAD announced to the community of Cooper that a large deficit Tennis and for the first time in 154 years, would have to pay tuition. COOPER UNION STUDENT PROTEST - DEC. , 2012 Free education, our mission! FREE EDUCATION FOR ALL The current administration is trying to say we should not focus on education as a right. JAMSHED BHARUCHA - RECTOR, COOPER UNION - 2011-ACTUALIDAD Being free, the financial model is very complicated. If you look at the financial statements, you will see. We have a huge deficit. I think Peter Cooper wanted to habría if we had to talk about tuition, we could do it. We all recognize that we have financial difficulties, but the administration and the board do not understand how tuition will destroy college. FREE EDUCATION! Administration ... must hold public ... commitment ... college ... with free education. The rector Bharucha pay comes from universities, THIS IS NOT TUFTS - REGISTRATION NO CEASE OR RESIGN and believes that we should be like other universities. It is covered with normal words like sustainability. I stand before you GUIDING FORUM OCTOBER 2011 because the survival of this institution is at stake. We do not have a sustainable budget. If you want free education, how will they be structured? I think it is not compatible with many courses, large interpersonal interaction, and give people good wages, and I believe in paying good wages. The president earns more than 8700000 in total. HOUSE PROVIDED BY THE UNIVERSITY RECTOR In a one thousand university students in a difficult financial period, one would have thought that there would be some proportionality. I think the leadership of Harvard earns 3899000, and supervises 12,000 teachers, 21,000 students, funds and $ 30 billion. She does not have even a tenth of the problem that we have. A tenth of the problems we have. Jamshed SALARY: 3750000 and free house We seem to be the Harvard of Astor Place. I do not think that the model of free education does not work. We got into this mess by many things, not the cost of educating students. In 2006, Cooper Union borrowed 3.175 billion to build a new building at 41 Cooper Square. The college believes in growth at all costs, VESTÍBULO, 41 COOPER SQUARE in overcoming difficulties. And that becomes very problematic when you build a building of 3100 square meter, which is more than a luxury hotel. Cuts may be made, Cooper Union as it did in 150 years of market ups and downs. But that fue in the decision they have taken. Cooper Union used loan money to invest in hedge funds that collapsed during the financial crisis. Do you think it was wise to invest in hedge funds and use the money from the loan of $ 175 million for that purpose? I'm not an investor. That is, I ... I'm good with budgets, but not investments. Were risky decisions? Good, one may ask if they were or not, but it is undeniable that a loan is ... Yes, to the institution, pay is a challenge. Projected debt service Cooper Union is facing a mortgage payment of 310 million per year. It is a tremendous irony that an institution should desendeudar people she take that kind of debt. The idea that Cooper Union consider charge tuition It was a great betrayal and a trend where the education is. Students are not considered entitled to an education, and institutions feel free to continue increasing the price. What's wrong with higher education in this country? Why are seen as exclusive to the rich only? People ignore the functions fulfilled education through history as a public good. STATE OF THE UNION PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT JANUARY 11, 1944 Some economic truths are obvious. Among them, the right to a good education. After World War II, the GI Bill was passed, made it possible for men who had never set foot in a university campus, saved as trustees the splitters, perhaps, passing through its doors as students. More than two million veterans used the GI Bill. It was a free opportunity granted by the state. LOUIS MENAND - AUTOR, THE METAPHYSICAL CLUB And it made a difference for the American middle class. The expansion of higher education franchise was unprecedented, and took us to the Higher Education Act of 1965, that created federal student aid programs. With this law, a student's senior year PRESIDENT LYNDON JOHNSON SIGN THE HIGHER EDUCATION ACT OF 1965 You can apply to any college without being rejected because his family is poor. The Higher Education Act of 1965 established the federal student loan program and the Pell Grant scholarships. But in 1970, they made life difficult for students. We see her education as a public good see it exclusively as a private good. RONALD REAGAN - California Governor - 1967-1975 Los conservative governors, in particular, Reagan of California, had the idea that higher education was a waste of taxpayers money. Governor Reagan said that the state should not subsidize intellectual curiosity. And then he ran for president and promised to dissolve the Ministry of Education. ECONOMIC ADVISORY COUNCIL PRESIDENT REAGAN, 1984 Certain directors began to say to be paid by any private benefit. MILTON FRIEDMAN -ASESOR PRESIDENT REAGAN The free word is a word that is misused. We speak of "free education." Education is not free. It costs money. If it is something that will be good for people to get a job and earn more money, finance and investment should make themselves. We have to keep the government out. Let people develop their skills, solve their problems. We stop expanding higher education graduation rates continued to increase, and decreased access of the poor to higher education. REGISTRATION PAID BY AN Pell Grant In the seventies, a Pell grant was enough to pay for tuition in an average public institution. But today the Pell grant pays part of tuition. This grew the loan industry it ended up being the largest source of money to enroll. STUDENT LOANS FOR YEAR - 5113 BILLION The student loan program was never intended to be so big. TOTAL STUDENT LOAN DEBT IN USA Marks an amazing milestone. The combined debt of the country in these loans reached $ 1 trillion. It is larger than credit card debt in the country. The average student now graduates with a debt of more than 325,000. I grew up in a modest home. They always told me that hard I tried, and if pursued my dreams, would my reward, STEFANIE GRAY - HUNTER COLLEGE GRADUATE and should into debt to educate, to achieve those dreams. Months after graduating, started calling collectors, and you said I could not pay. Even with a master's could not use to clean bathrooms at a local hotel. He lived with food stamps. He lived beans and rice. Stefanie 8140000 owe more student loan. Like Stefanie, almost half of college graduates under 25 were unemployed or underemployed in 2013. 20 years ago, we would have said all the boys were not going to college were victims, and now they PETER THIEL - COFUNDADOR DE PAYPAL - THIEL FELLOWSHIP many who do go to college are also victims. It is as an agent of subprime mortgages that defrauded you and convince you to buy a house you could not afford. In some respects, education is more insidious than housing. Student loans do not have the same safety valve you see in the mortgage market, in the sense that there is no execution and, in fact, not bankruptcy. Restore bankruptcy protection for all More than half of the loans in arrears or not met. OBJECTION TO CANCEL THE DEBT By not complying with these loans, interest applies to capital. And it is very common to see balances the original 10 or $ 20,000 scaled to hundreds of thousands of dollars. I started with 378,000. "I majored in DEBT" 3106000 only it ends with interest. You will have to pay that debt that balance and increase until the day you die. That's the kind of crap that our government uses against our youth. The government will have a profit of $ 184 billion ELIZABETH WARREN IN MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR over the next 10 years. And those gains are at the expense of our kids that attempt to receive education. I think the whole system sucks. Sallie Mae is the largest provider of student loans in USA Education is a right! - USSA Student Association USA -, Do we? - Education! When do we want? - Now! We can not continue to treat student debt as an individual issue. As a society, we can not have an indebted generation. PROTESTS "1T DAY" $ 1 BILLION STUDENT DEBT When you reach 850,000 in debt, you need a break to see the value of the education you are receiving. Do not want to go into debt and that deter you from investing starting a family, a home, a car, have children. The value of my education is priceless but the value of my education is not a debt of 8.14 million. If ever I have children, my private loans pass them when I die. Should I let go of my dreams, and I feel bad to talk about the dreams that I have today, throughout the conversation that Generation Y is selfish only for wanting opportunities than their parents had. And the older generations, who criticize the millennial generation, grew up in a time where you went to a public university with and were paying summer jobs. These children of the millennium came to college and saw: "There is no money to pay for me. "I'm not going to graduate and have a cushy job. "And in fact, all they told me how the world works "It is not so." The student debt crisis joined to increase enrollment in the past 30 years, is just a perfect storm, a nightmare. - We are the students - students are RIP The American Dream - The dear students - dear students APRIL 23, 2013 After 18 months of intense analysis, the board voted MARK EPSTEIN - CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS charge tuition to students entering Cooper Union from 2014. Cooper Union is not free, the end of an era After the announcement was made, I spoke with Jamshed. Jamshed waving his hands, screaming, werent. Just outside the faculty, there was much suffering. People were angry. A chaotic energy perceived. It seemed that something could happen at any time. The moments before the action starts They are the most exciting and the most frightening. It was a session with a lot of planning. Obviously, they can do this and can spend above. They can do that and they are doing it. What we do now is the big question. We must move forward. We did not know what to do, but people said: "We must do something. "Let's go to the office of president." "Eso haremos". We walked about 40 people, maybe more. ¿Lawrence? - The door. - Lawrence? The clerk tried to say: "Do not go" but were forty. Jamshed was not there. "Students at Cooper Union for Science and the Arts "We can no longer adhere to the direction taken by our university "Under the direction of Jamshed Bharucha. "Vote by mistrust and unite to Cooper Union is free." I have a statement to read. T.C. WESTCOTT - VICERECTOR, FINANZAS - COOPER UNION First let me say that he would prefer to leave. "Students and others involved "In one sitting in the office of rector are breaking. "We give them an hour to go. "Whoever remains in 7th floor after that time "Shall be subject to disciplinary action." At one point we left try. I'm official Cooper Union! I have a foot in the door! I have a hand on the door! They endanger students! Her hand is on the door! They say the police will come. Is it true? - ¿La police? - Va a venir. Are the police in the building? There are security guards on the other side of the glass, and two or three men. There was a very bad situation in the lobby. And they called the police. I took the additional security guards. Police also removed. 8 MAY 2013 FIRST NIGHT OF MAKING Five, four, three, two, one. ¡Cooper Union Free! For many of us, it was the first time in the principal's office. We had a red light and we did hear the shot. It was like being in a submarine. A shared experience is hard to sleep with so much energy in the air. Being there was some physical issue, have to refrain from your normal life, is a powerful thing. This action space is also a great opportunity so no we impose no structure. And do not try to ask permission or apologize to anyone because we did not regret. 13 MAY 2013 SIXTH DAY OF SHOOTING The Bharucha rector decides to meet with students in his office. All college does not trust in their ability to direct The Cooper Union. If people do not trust, means you can not recover that trust, because there is nothing left. It's a bit simplistic to say that: "Do not do this, do that." DON BLAUWEISS - CONSEJERO EXALUMNO - COOPER UNION I'm on the board. I supported the no tuition. The numbers are what they are. How they came to that, they are where they are now. ¡No! Can I finish? Must go. They are very rude. I would like it to be calm tone of all this talk. I think it's pretty clear to everyone that this time is unlike any other. Estrin BOB LAST YEAR, COOPER UNION SCHOOL OF ARCHITECTURE We have not reached this point. And I think that we must abandon the old dialogue, because we are now in another position. What we must do, it is simply see the time in the country with a trillion dollars of student debt, them models of higher education and business are failing. It's time for this university It is the vision of what can be education in this country, as it was 150 years ago. It was part of a radical capitalist vision, rooted in an idea of ​​the century, humanity, and is an idea I consider very contemporary and urgent. Yeah? To address effectively, should see the time and the position found. It is a historical position, it is a historic moment. It's a great way to meet with us, but we need a leap, not a gamble. MARCH FOR HIGHER EDUCATION Clearly, las universities are in crisis. The inflation is out of control. It is not signed or the kids or their parents. For years, we said that college is a great investment after all. And now people are beginning to question hard the role of universities in American society, authority they have, their moral superiority. MOODY'S INVESTORS SERVICE Prospects for USA The higher education sector changed to negative Moody's says the university is no longer valid. The high cost of college more public doubts on the value of the degree Does the college is a bad investment? They have generated prospects that revieran especially the higher education sector and negative. There will be a collapse. One way or another, there will be a crisis. It got to the point where the price is so high a degree PETER SCHIFF AUTOR DE CRASH PROOF 2.0 people no longer want to pay. Universities do not talk about this. UNIVERSIDAD WESLEYAN They want to pretend that education is something for nothing financial. It is an end in itself. There are many noble ideals, but no sense when people get into debt in 3100 or 3.2 million to study. PROSPECTIVE STUDENTS DAY WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY No one believes more in the liberal arts whoever is speaking today. MICHAEL ROTH RECTOR, UNIVERSIDAD WESLEYAN A! start college, you discover what you love to do. Can be theater and biology. Neuroscience and religion. Whatever it is, it's time to have the chance to experience, open to new things, discover who they are and who they want to become. ¿Mr. sir? What he said is very exciting. Reminds me of when I was in school. But the truth is many of us to give him a lot of money. - Tell me something. - Yes. My daughter will use and will not be home when finished? "Your daughter will work and not coming home?" I can not assure you, but now is not the time to be defensive in education. It's time to be aggressive on the broad education, intensely personal and practical whatever may be the college you attend. And it is expensive. I know. I have to tell them to you. We are comfortably settled in this review that there is only one way to go to college. LISA RUCINSKI - MOTHER OF SECONDARY STUDENT And it's the four-year private college, with your children living in dormitories with your friends where they give someone all meals and clean them the bathroom. I am very stressed about the college search. AROUND CAMPUS UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK If you look there, they will see the new One World Trade being built. Every parent I know college will seek their children. Welcome to the Bobst Library. As you can see, you are a huge building. Altogether there are nine libraries at NYU, about six million copies. I want this for my children. Too bad it costs 360,000 a year and indeed the costs. This is the main building of the campus of NYU students. We have two athletic facilities. They have pools. One even has an arena. There is a squash court. If you like sports ... It's a big change in thinking something different when our children go after a college degree. Going to college is the way to avoid thinking about the future. "What are you doing with your life?" "I do not know, I'll get another title." And instead of getting a degree after another in a race, I think it is very important to consider seriously: "If you were not college, what would you do?". AMERICAN MORNING - THE UNIVERSITY IS overrated? Peter Thiel, quien fundó PayPal, financió Facebook, provides $ 100,000 to 24 college students if they leave the race and start their own company. San Francisco is home to a "non-university" movement respaldado por Thiel Fellowship. HACKING YOUR EDUCATION The non-university program encourages young to leave college and "hack" their education. MEETING THE UNIVERSITY FULTON STREET, SAN FRANCISCO When you think of hacking, the first thing they think about is computer hacking. Hacking your education is to find an alternative. KYRIE BYER, 18 YEARS COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO Maybe go to college, maybe not. That's why I'm here. SEMINAR HACKADÉMICO If you challenge you not to go to college, or go to college and make the most, you should think about what you're paying and what your parents are paying. MICHAEL STATON SOCIO, LEARN CAPITAL The idea of ​​going to parties with alcohol four years sounds good but when you think about what your parents pay, what is actually paid do not stay behind in the information economy, right? HACKING YOUR EDUCATION They always tell me: "Do not you ruin the lives of people "Encouraging them to take risks and not go to college?". J. DALE STEPHENS FOUNDER UNCOLLEGE.ORG DALE STEPHENS, FOUNDER UnCollege - MEMBER THIEL It's risky to go to college and take on a debt of 820,000 a year to have a dismal future employment when you leave and start paying that debt. For me, it is a very high risk. If we look at higher education see that you are paying by a lot of mythical things you should get. So I'm here to give you a framework to see what types of services they could access which could complement or replace the university. I divided the university into three parts. The first is to engage with educational content. What gives college? 1 - KNOWLEDGE They could acquire knowledge through a class. Then there is the network of affiliations. 2 - PEER NETWORK Lasting relationships with people who care for you, will help you find opportunities. And the third is the accepted value, 3 - TÍTULO/DIPLOMA it really is a piece of paper alcanzaste certifying that a minimum level of competence. When I went to college, there was no access to services that higher education easily and free offers on the internet. And you can now do it. What do you see in a world ELIZABETH STARK MENTORA, THIEL FELLOWSHIP where the title does not really matter, but people say: "I left college, but ..."? One is not going to say that. I would not necessarily leave the input power, but I will look and say, "You have experience." As paid college myself, I noticed SIOUXSIE DOWNS, 18 AÑOS BOULDER, COLORADO it was very expensive for me. I need work experience, life experience, out of college and start my own path. Now there are about 4,000 schools. In a couple of years, all that amount disappear and the only universities that will matter in the future will be the prestigious Ivy League made a name for themselves. My mom did not go to college, but my dad is a person who benefited from the university. They thought I was crazy. They said: "What is this? "A group of kids who come to San Francisco "And does not want to go to college ? . They thought it was more like a cult. A friend told me: "Está Education Hackerhouse, "You have to know" ELIZABETH STARK MENTORA, THIEL FELLOWSHIP because he thought the future of education. Education is a community space Hackerhouse leavers where faculty work on educational projects. I had no idea there was a community of people as passionate about the future of knowledge and learning. Hackers slept in bunk beds and worked into their applications. We gatherings in the backyard. Several projects came out of that house. It is a community of people who believe we should not cling to traditional institutions. 33200000 The proposal to pay for a title is not worth much, especially if you do not go to an Ivy League. I did not want to go to college for the cost in time and money, CATHERINE STEVENS, 19 AÑOS RESIDENTE DE HACKERHOUSE and I thought this would be an excellent place to obtain the equivalent of a university, because I receive education Live with entrepreneurs and technology people. Obliga me to mature, because you have to wash the dishes, cook for, pay rent, all that stuff. In Silicon Valley, do not care about honor or experience. We care skills. As advances all titles imported them less and less. You should not have debt 3200000 or 35200000 to learn a lot, very talented, and show the world what you can do. I left college to work on Facebook full time. Co-founder Mark Zuckerberg Facebook Later I talked to my mom, and told me that she knew he was leaving the university. The New York Times COLLEGE IS FOR FOOLS "Why pay money if I can make money?" There are many very successful entrepreneurs, billionaires not gone to college. In fact, I would say today, PETER SCHIFF AUTOR DE CRASH PROOF 2.0 Internet and the ease with which you can autoeducarte, there are more reasons than ever not to go to college. ANTHONY CARNEVALE UNIVERSIDAD GEORGETOWN Honestly, it's a very bad advice, because all these people were exceptions to the rule. They did this despite a system that is said would not. Steve Jobs - ABANDONÓ THE Universidad Reed in 1973 BILL GATES ABANDONÓ HARVARD EN 1975 Mark Zuckerberg at Harvard's 2004 abandonment By far, the safest bet is to go to college. BENEFITS OF THE UNIVERSITY GAIN MEDIA IN A LIFETIME 3973000 NO ADDED TITLE 31304000 TITLE WITH SECONDARY 32,268,000 UNIVERSITY WITH TITLE The Thiel Fellowship se concentra PETER THIEL - COFUNDADOR DE PAYPAL - THIEL FELLOWSHIP in a small group of people that you will do great even without a college degree. I think it's a much more difficult question what you do for people origen of average, the less likely. I have no answers for that. MICHAEL ROTH RECTOR, UNIVERSIDAD WESLEYAN Many intellectuals say it would be better than some never went to college. I think it's an attack on democracy, and an attempt to keep people in place and reinforce social inequality. CLASS PHILOSOPHY OF RECTOR ROTH Education should promote mobility partner! and equality. You have to be crazy not to get a degree purposely if you have the chance. If the college really is that, qualified on the ground in a particular field, Learning to learn. That can open up to new things in your life after college. Part of our responsibility as educators is to help inspire students to see problems in the world, because they leave many problems and I think they know they want to commit. GRADUATE COOPER UNION 22 GRADUATION DAY OF DECISION We have three orders, Jamshed to resign as rector, the board and management publicly uphold the mission of free education and the third is to have a more democratic government. I know it has been a difficult time for the community of Cooper Union. ALCALDE MICHAEL BLOOMBERG OPENING SPEECH There is anger and disappointment on the issue of tuition. But the debate is not whether education should be free. It's about who can and is willing to pay. In life nothing is free. Please welcome al rector de The Cooper Union, Jamshed Bharucha. I come with awe and humility to honor our students. To our graduates, congratulations. They have distinguished beyond imagining. Colleagues, JAMES SPRANG - STUDENT SPEECH APERTURA I would like to help, please to fill this room with our voices. - Testing microphone. - Testing Mic! - Testing Mic! - Testing Mic! - Hope. - Hope! - Hope is everything. - Hope is everything! - Something tedious ... hopefully - hopefully something tedious ... - ... Never be preferable ... - ... will never be preferable ... - ... Something dangerous with hope. - ... Something dangerous with hope. JAMSHED BHARUCHA RECTOR Upon graduation, students from Cooper Union continued with the jack until the summer of 2013. STANFORD UNIVERSITY A change is coming. It has to come a change. The experience of four-year residency is the gold standard. JOHN HENNESSY - RECTOR, UNIVERSIDAD DE STANFORD Small classes, much intimate contact. FACULTY d. STANFORD INSTITUTE OF DESIGN How do we approach this ideal while reducing costs? Technology should be a big part of that solution. In 2011, a group of professors from Stanford shook to higher education with the promise of free lessons online. Some people, including the president of Stanford, UNIVERSIDAD WASHINGTON LEE CONVOCATORIA 2013 using the metaphor of a tsunami, MOOC believe, "and Massive Open Online Courses" will transform the American higher education, and around the world, beyond recognition and devastate everything that is associated with universities like this. The revolution started when MOOC Daphne Koller, mi colleague in computer science, DAPHNE Koller co-founder of Course He came to me a few years ago. He spoke of a different way of teaching with online technology. Then Sebastian Thrun recruited to try some experiments. CO-FOUNDER OF SEBASTIAN THRUN Udacity Welcome to online introduction to artificial intelligence. THE FIRST MOOC Me llamo Sebastian Thrun. Teaches this course at Stanford, and now we take it online for everyone. We are very excited. Sebastian said, "Let's open this course to everyone." I must say that was generated a bit of chaos, but there was also enthusiasm, especially when hundreds of thousands of students began to show interest. DAPHNE Koller co-founder of Course We had the opportunity to change the access hundreds of thousands or millions of people had to an education that could never have obtained otherwise. There's a red pill and a blue. CO-FOUNDER OF SEBASTIAN THRUN Udacity You can take the blue pill and go back to your classroom and teach your 20 students. But I took the red pill, and seen the Wonderland. Having done this, I can not teach at Stanford again. Teachers who participated in the first round of MOOC, left Stanford to start their own businesses. WELCOME TO Coursera Udacity His rival in the east coast is edx, who left MIT and Harvard. CS50x, one of the first courses in Harvard edx initiative debuted last Monday. DAVID Malan teachers CS50 Turns out we had more students on Monday than initially expected. CS50x has 100,000 followers from their homes. All of these platforms using short videos, interactive questions, and classes via chat sessions, to translate robotic skills courses created in major universities worldwide CLASS PHILOSOPHY Wesley offered courses to versions that can be taken by millions of people worldwide, totally free. Experience in online education to see if the technology can increase access education of high quality. I do not know why people learn. That's the fundamental question. WELCOME TO Udacity For me, it is an interactive medium that empowers students Like a video game. Udacity DESIGN TEAM So we ask: "Is there a different way of teaching "Allowing students to discover for themselves how to solve problems?". Returning a part of this code STUDIO PRODUCTION Udacity you need more explanation, and this is called core. This is the name of the call center. The way I teach is very different when I do it on camera in the classroom. INSTRUCTOR JOHN OWENS Udacity The most commonly seen are the hands, and that makes it more humane for students but if looking at the blackboard. But it's all I see, literally. As far as they know, I'm a robot. Certainly, we are ... I guess we're controversial, because we remove the focus from the teacher, and place it in the student. Does it make sense to have 500 teachers at 500 different universities teaching students in a very similar way, or would you rather put the rock star ten times longer? Perhaps the rock star do a better job for those students. I screwed up in the last sentence. Try it again. For example ... Students united will never be divided! MARCHA THE LEGISLATURE TO SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA What happens in higher education is not good for America Nor youth. JERRY BROWN California governor This huge cost structure which is part of the privatization of so much of our society, Where we are out of hand? I think now. Entre 2008 y 2013, California redujo financing of higher education in more than a quarter. I do not want to increase enrollment, I do not know if I can convince my colleagues in the legislature to provide more money. We have to find ways to change the design. In 2012, received an email deci: "My name is Governor Brown. Should talk." Estaba leyendo The New York Times un domingo, and I saw his name, I searched his email and wrote. He called me right away. We spoke by phone one hour, and Brown explained: "It has focused "To bring first-rate education from Stanford to the world. "But the disaster that is California. "It's the lowest level at which many children are relegated." Since its inception, California was a place of pioneers and vermin and bold people. The University System of the State of California is part of that lineage. California pioneered the best public education system in the world. A MASTER PLAN of Higher Education in California Ports 1960-1975 Clark Kerr They saw higher education as a better life for Californians and a better economy. And YES we what California has contributed to the economy of USA, largely be traced back to its system of higher education. It was a staggered system with tertiary institutions, TERTIARY INSTITUTIONS OF CALIFORNIA state universities, SYSTEM STATE OF CALIFORNIA and research universities. THE UC SYSTEM A system that virtually garantizaba college education every high school graduate in the state of California. Clark Kerr's vision of education offered at all levels, and students could move forward. California Prosperous largely Rector of the University of California 1958-1967 by the degree of opportunity for all its citizens adequate to ensure their interests and skills education. The California system remains a model for the rest of the country. The problem now is that the state withdrew its financial commitment to these systems, and the ideal is at risk. 84% of students in the California system does not graduate in 4 years. Only 16% of California delos students to graduate in four years and the longer you stay, the more you spend. This is a big problem with student debt reaches one trillion dollars. San José State University University System of the State of California Our students are very dedicated. Many of them are first generation college, and over 50% must attend support classes. But with increasing budget cuts, ELLEN Junn - CHANCELLOR, UNIVERSITY OF SAN JOSE PUBLIC we can give the course apoyo mathematics in both semesters. My goal as President is to do a pilot. California will provide online courses as gran experiment will begin to support courses San Jose could be a laboratory for students with material MOOC. Hoy San José firmará MOHAMMAD Qayoumi Rector, University of San Jose an agreement with Udacity. Our goal is to focus on initial courses give credits. That's the key, they will give college credit. DEPARTMENT OF PHILOSOPHY, UNIVERSITY OF SAN JOSE PUBLIC My colleagues were overwhelmed that San Jose would like to participate in something like Udacity. DRA. RITA MANNING - INTRODUCTION TO LAW MINISTER OF We license our education to an external enterprise. RITA MANNING OF PUBLIC UNIVERSIDAD SAN JOSÉ I would not hire an entrepreneur to remodel the bathroom in my house. What happens in California is a crisis management tactic. Public funding is exhausted, so they must offer more courses for less money, ANN LARSON - ASSISTANT PROFESSOR AND ACTIVIST and set a course on the Internet seems to be the easiest way. But as to whether or not the best way, or who will benefit should make this decision, I have not heard an honest conversation about it. We give taxpayer money to a private company. We're ready for the first question. How will you pay Udacity? And how much? We can not disclose the amount. I'm sorry. If we are going to spend money, why give to Udacity? Why not hire people who give classes? The idea of ​​a public university funded and accessible is at risk. We are creating hierarchies where students can pay interact face to face with teachers, and those without, Inputs to YouTube. The results Udacity courses at SJSU revealed in July 2013. I think the results of the first Udacity courses are profound. Information is outrageous. Udacity / SAN JOSÉ APPROVED 213 students were enrolled The pass rate in Udacity Elementary Statistics was 50.5%. College Algebra, 25.4%. Introduction to Mathematics, 23.8%. That is, it's terrifying. We want the silver bullet. PETER Hadreas CHIEF OF THE CHAIR OF PHILOSOPHY PUBLIC UNIVERSITY OF SAN JOSE The magic pill. Unfortunately, there. And certainly not Udacity. What ruined! They did not learn the material. Did not proceed to the next level courses. Wow! Retention rates and approved online courses are lower than in classroom courses because you can not force someone to learn. Similarly, students should have discipline, motivation and persistence. Sure. But it could also be said that a teacher should have that takes those qualities in them and prepare them. We try to do with online mentors. They look much our hands throughout the course, but we show our faces DOS to know better. Fue horrible Udacity FORUM The questions are useless, no refund I'm lost, it's no use. Students who need more attention, Ready to leave my confidence is shattered who are unsure of their ability to learn, Frustrated by the lack of answers There is no way to understand what you were wrong. There is much evidence that these students do not learn the MOOC. Confusing, ambiguous and totally unreasonable. I'm not ready to leave Clark Kerr's vision for California, Silicon Valley and make it say: "Onward and upward, pick us from this morass." The following semester, the San Jose State University "He paused" its link with Udacity. I have work to do. CS50 this week is stupid. -, What is it? - Did you hear the E-Trade? That's it. - That of the shares? - We must build an online investment. I'm sitting there and think, "This is too much." Y begin to wonder if IBA to be able to finish. If I would be able to do this. I just want to enhance what I have and not take much aware of things for which I'm no good, because there are ten people in your class with which you can connect, work and collaborate. Look at this. It is a computer class SARAH Shishkin - 1 ° AÑO DE HARVARD - A ASISTE CS50 that, in large measure, it could be taught online, but just look at how many people in this room need help. They need help in person. That's why they are here. Can you explain? I do not know what it means. When you see the brackets denote an array. After that, it's "eat session ID" Should there be more commas? By doing this, DAVID Malan teachers CS50 avoid one of the attacks we spoke briefly an SQL injection attack. I demand continued commitment to students, and teachers. Most are awake at dawn. We have 24-hour coverage, seven days a week. Students ask questions at any time and receiving the response in minutes. You're on track, y Corrientes propongo you that temporarily Esto, to make things work, then you can incorporate additional data. At least now, you can not replace a teacher a robot or a talking head on the screen. Nothing beats a hand to hand contact. That's it. That was the problem. The human experience has a certain magic, and that is not matched. In going to ese reemplazar type aprendizaje, students to work together on projects that require their presence. So how do we combine all the face-to-face and online opportunities, and how to create hybrid models? INSTITUTO TERCIARIO BUNKER HILL The colleges are the most flexible institutions there. They are more open to alternative plans INSTITUTO TERCIARIO BUNKER HILL BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS because they always fought to educate to underprivileged children in the United States. INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTER HYBRID COURSE EDX. What we have achieved today is looking edx classes. If you have questions or problems, now is the time to solve them. The model is to teach turned into a classroom. That means having class material JAIME THE HAPPY PROFESOR Adjunto INSTITUTO TERCIARIO BUNKER HILL outside of class. Students have an MIT professor in CIASES video looking into THEIR homes. When they finish the class, come here work in small groups, talking to each other, are encouraged to help, put to work, use their problem solving skills and critical thinking. The role of character brings any character with an ASCII value. I guess maybe my method was a little different. With the classroom upside down, remove the large class, there is an opportunity that the teacher spends time helping students who are struggling. ¿Lo're testing, make sure that you work? Very well. How are we doing here? We must do something for students to engage, to learn. It is our work. That's why we're here. It is an experimental mode. We have no choice but to go fast. Experimentation will produce success and failure, and we must learn to live with it, because technology is the hope for many young people who, otherwise, could not afford the education they need. There is a tendency to thought / zar to elite universities. I think the most important is to have ... BEN WEEKS - ALUMNO, INSTITUTO TERCIARIO BUNKER HILL The will to pursue your ideas and pass time to be passionate about what they are working. I think that's the dialogue you should have with yourself. Here I spent much of my life. It is one of the toughest neighborhoods of Cleveland. This semester fue complicated. I did not do well in the subjects, and I begin to question if I stand to be there. I just have to come back to reality and say: "Wait, man, do everything you can." If left Harvard, where Volvere begin. I have not improved at all. I want to improve. HOME OF THE GRANDPARENTS OF DAVID I see you as a young man and say: "It could have been a drug addict. "I could have walked in the street, having been a bully." But wanted to do something with your life, and I'm very proud of that. They will look at you and say: "Es Ohio, Cleveland, "And went to college to make something of his life." But many people try to discourage you. Do not let it. Shame the kids do not realize that they can take advantage of all these opportunities, for they are many. Well, see you. - All right, honey, we love you. - I love you too. Nest, fantaseaba and dreamed of what they wanted to do when I grew up. What is normal for all life, where I come from is leaving school and get a job in a factory. Then I get stuck in poverty in the slums. That's life for you. You do not know any better. The university is the place where you discover that there is something better. CS50 REGULAR He finally ended. I survived the challenge of CS50! It's a great project! I just wanted to do more. Had a great goal ... The more campus visits, plus discover that the diversity of American students is overwhelming. And everywhere I go, I know students that give me hope for the future of our country. It has been and will remain a challenge keep an open university to give it best possible education to as many people as possible. In all querrán ESO. Not everyone will be willing to take more education. But we do not believe that the university exceeded its usefulness. Not believe it is inevitable that public institutions higher education continue to decline. We have other options. What kind of society do we want to be? We should harness the idealism of youth and provoke students to think for themselves, to be critical about the way society is conjugated. United States became critical thinking. We turn in well in this country. - Support the making! - Support the making! - Support the mission! - Support the mission! And I support the idea of ​​free and accessible education for all! After 65 days, the students at Cooper Union They take up the office of rector. They formed a working group with alumni and counselors to find a solution and not arancelar Cooper. It was one of the longest shots in the student history. All I know spent much of his time and energy to try to save our university. It's exhausting, and it becomes difficult. There is still much to do. In January 2014, the council voted to charge tuition entrants. A favor. It is tragic that the only resolution that comes to mind is the tuition fee but I think that the announcement was not the end of an era. It was the beginning of a campaign. Maybe we wait to see the world in which we live. We are STUDENTS NO CUSTOMERS But every time someone says "You can not do that," will be a trigger and say: "But you can." Learn to manage student debt - Get it out of my way. - Copy that. Damn it. Unit two, area three, move! I've got movement! Keep your eyes over here! Weapons free! Hold position! Retreat! Retreat! Get out of here! Taylor. Taylor! Hey. I'm Skyping with my mom. You have no idea what I just went through. I am freaking out. I saw a Foot Clan attack. Are you okay? I was riding my bike by the docks. It was night, it's dark already and there are Foot Clan soldiers everywhere. Then out of nowhere, there was this guy fighting back against them. And he... He left behind this symbol. And I know that I've seen it before. I can't remember where. But there is someone fighting back against the Foot Clan. There is a vigilante in this city. And no one knows, but I do. I know. And now I have my story. There is no more froth and foam for me. What? Never mind. All right, we need a lead for tonight. Who's got it? "Major redevelopments proposed "for lower Manhattan." No. I got something. "NYPD task force taking credit "for small decline in Foot-related crime." I like that. Let's run with that. Yes, ma'am. 7:00AMbroadcast, wehavethreeminutestoair. Oh, O'Neil. I'll talk to you in a minute. I know that I'm actually overstepping my boundaries by being here, but I think that you're gonna I actually think that you're all gonna want to hear what I have to say. Um, I witnessed an attempted Foot Clan robbery at the docks in Brooklyn last night. Hold on, the scanner said that gunshots were heard, but there were no reports of any Foot Clan activity. That's because whatever they were attempting to do was stopped. What were you doing in Brooklyn anyway? Was there a trampoline convention? I was in Brooklyn because I was reporting, not sitting behind my desk, McNaughton. Okay, kids! Who stopped it? Well, there was this guy. I didn't see him clearly, but he was swinging these giant shipping containers and knocking these guys into the... Into the river. There is a vigilante that is fighting back against the Foot Clan. There's a huge story here! O'Neil, I think you found Superman. That's cool. The vigilante is real. I saw him. O'Neil, I'm gonna assume that you would not come up here and tell us this fantastic story without some tangible proof. I took this photo of one of the shipping containers. I actually think that it may be his calling card. This is nothing, O'Neil. This is nothing! That's exactly the point. Somebody stopped a Foot robbery and left no evidence. There is nothing. Oh, I get it. You wanted me to put "nothing" on the nightly news. Of course not. You know, I'm gonna pretend we never had this conversation. I'm erasing it from my mind. And the rest of us, we're gonna go back to work. Let's hit it! Hello,everybody. WelcometotheChannel6 MorningNews. Newdevelopmentsin that ongoingsanitationstrike totellyouabout. But first, after reviewing the city's soaring crime rates with the police commissioner, Councilman Dan Gregor took to the steps of City Hall, reaffirming the city's commitment to fight against the rising crime organization calling themselves the Foot Clan. He did so on the heels of a renewed contract with Eric Sacks and Sacks Industries. UsingtheSacksresearch andsecuritiestechnology, thiscitygreatlyimproves itschances ofbringingtheFootClan tojustice! We couldn't have anticipated the vigilante showing up at the docks, Master Shredder. But we've never seen an enemy like this. Their size. Their strength. They're not human. I don't believe in fairy tales. It's what society wants to reduce the Foot Clan to. A myth. But the Foot Clan will rise again. Capture the vigilantes however you can. Use innocent people as bait. No one will stop us in our quest to reclaim victory. We will own this city. Ladies andgentlemen,pleasejoinme inwelcoming theNYPD'stopbenefactor, EricSacks. Please,please. Please. Sitdown,sitdown. Ihaveto say, it'swonderfulto seesomany peopleoutheretonight, especiallyinaneighborhood sohardhit bytheFoot'scrimewave . Yearsago,my life wastouchedby tragedy. Iwasayoungscientist workingwith aworld-classteam oncutting-edgeresearch. Andourlaboratory wasattacked, setfireto ,robbed, bythecowardsthat callthemselvestheFootClan . Severalofmy employees losttheirlivesthatday. Anditis in theirhonor, intheirmemory, thatSacksIndustries, whetherthroughSacksBiomed, SacksRobotics orSacksConstruction, tokeepingthecity ofNewYork,our city, safe. Sowheneversomeone takesflameto thiscity, Iwillbe there toputthefireout. Andthat'sapromise. Thankyou. Thankyou . Thankyou. Great work, sir. Very inspirational. Mr. Sacks. April O'Neil. You worked with my father. Oh! I can't believe it. I haven't seen you since... Since his funeral. It was a long time ago. Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that your words really resonated with me, and I hope to one day contribute to the city in the way that you do. Well, it looks like you're doing a pretty good job. Channel 6, very impressive, April. Um... Thank you. It's, uh... It isn't exactly everything I anticipated it would be. As long as you are true to yourself, your father will always be proud of you. Mr. Sacks, we have to be uptown at 7:00. I'll see you on TV. Eric Sacks was so inspiring. I know this is a story that actually matters. The superhero one? That's a good idea. I should chase that down. Where's everybody going? - O'Neil! Where are you going? - Hey. April! Hey! What are you running from? Wait, wait! Shotsfired, BroadwayandCentreStreet. heavy Foot Clan activity at the Broad Street platform. But you know we're not supposed to go above ground. We started something, we gotta finish it. This is insane. That cat is playing Chopsticks with chopsticks! Don't be an idiot. - Aw. - Okay. Let's rock 'n' roll, boys! Run! Get out! Go, go! If you want to live, do it! Go on! Just stay down! Get over here! Keep moving! Keep your hands where I can see them! Move to the side. - They're bombs. - Shut up! On the ground! Nobody move! We know you're out there! If you don't surrender, we start executing hostages! Get your head down! Don't move! Don't make me tell you again! Not a word! Don't look at me! Don't! Don't do it! You! Stand up! All aboard! On your 12! Come on! That's right. Like a shadow, bra. Let's go! Let's move! Right here. Some kind of freak! There were a couple of them! Whoo! Right past me! They saved us. Go, go, go! Let's go, guys! Both sides! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Yeah, boys, bring it in. That was amazing. You were incredible! Great elbow, Donnie. Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talking about. This is our city! These are our streets! You mess with us, you step into the Wu, whoo, Tang! Ooh, yeah! Did you see that guy's jaw connect with the concrete? He'll be drinking out of a sippy cup for months! Ah, that's what I'm talking about, brothers. Like shadows in the night. Completely unseen. It's a camera flash. Who's behind the camera flash? By my calculations, it's a girl. Give her some flowers, earn her trust. I got this. Raph, no, no, no! Come on! Give me the camera. Ooh, look, he's doing his Batman voice. She's so hot, I can feel my shell tightening. We can hear you! If you don't give me the camera, I'm gonna... Enough! Back off, Raph. I only saw Batmanonce! Ma'am, hello. I apologize. My colleague here forgot to say "please." So, would you please hand over the camera? No, no, no, no. Whoa. Whoa. Chill. It's just a mask. See? Don't freak out. Right? Ah! Oh,I thinkthatwentwell . Breathing steady. Blood pressure stabilizing. Why are we still here playing doctor? She may have a head injury. Uh, correction. She's a hot chick who may have a head injury, which makes it - our civic duty to... - Ma'am, ma'am. Can you hear me? Do you know what city you're in? Do you know where you are? Have you seen that video where the cat plays Chopsticks with the chopsticks? Can we focus here? Guys, please! Come on. Give her some air. What are you? Well, Miss, uh, we're ninjas. We're mutants. Well, technically, we're turtles. Oh, and we're teenagers! But we can still have adult conversations. Wait, wait, wait. So... You're... Ninja, mutant, turtle, teenagers? Well, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous! See, she's looking at us like we're freaks. I bet that's why you took our picture, wasn't it? To show your friends? Bro, that's a good thing! Maybe she has hot friends. Looking for this? Don't break it. No, no, no. Please. How many times do I have to tell you? We don't break things, we fix them. Donnie already wiped the phone, genius. Problem solved, moving on. And who put you in charge? You know who did. Ooh, tension! It's been like 30 whole minutes since you guys had this argument. Leonardo, if we want to make it home before Master, we gotta hustle. Leonardo? Do not say a word about this to anyone. If you do, we will find you. April O'Neil. We're on the move, Raphael. Raphael? Yeah! We'll find you, O'Neil. I'm sorry, that came across super creepy, okay? We will find you, though. I was on fire, bro! Did you see me back there? Guys, I totally talked to a girl! Shut up, Mikey! Yeah, bra! Mikey, was that you? Pepperoni. Leonardo. I know those names. I know those names. Raphael, Raphael. Leonardo. Goodevening. ThisisAprilO'Neil, reportinglive frommydaddy'slab . Iknowit sounds prettyboring, butactually,he does someprettycoolstuff. Timetoput thecameraaway,April. Aw,Dad! AndnowIwillshow you somethingamazing. It'ssupposedto be froma differentplanet inouterspace! Herewego . Ah! Mr.Sacks, whatsortof experiments areyoudoinghere? Oh,that's averycomplicatedquestion. We'retryingto change theworld. Lookatthecamera! Hello,Splinter. Andtheseare mylittleturtles,Leonardo, Raphael, MichelangeloandDonatello. Thefanswanttoseeyou! I knew it. The vigilante, I saw him. I saw them! I saw them. I've known them since I was a little girl. They were my pets. They were my childhood pets, and they were named after Italian Renaissance painters. Mom, I want to move back home. Is he here? I don't see him. Donnie? My thermal scans indicate there's a 74% variable that there's a 61% chance he's not... That he's not here, guys. That he's not here. Okay. Fall in, quietly. Dude. So, guys, if it wasn't already obvious with that girl, dibs. If Master Splinter catches us, he'll send us back to the Ha'shi. I ain't going back to the Ha'shi. Every time we're in the Ha'shi, it's because of you. Well, bro, you won't have to worry about me dragging you down anymore. What's that supposed to mean? I'm going out on my own. First chance I get. How are we gonna finish our hip-hop Christmas album, bro? You're the hype man! Shut up. I got glop in my eye. Shh! He's not going anywhere. We all stick together. Sorry I spit in your eye, bro. Shh! Guys? Guys. We got a bogey. Uh... Where have you been? We weren't... I forgot to soak my retainer! I'm totally sleepwalking! Look, Mikey's sleeping and walking. He's totally innocent. Enough! You disobeyed a direct order. Why did you go above ground? What happened? Very well. If that's how it's going to be, to the Ha'shi! O'Neil! All right, what was so important I had to get here? Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. You know how I saw the vigilante? Yeah. But I had no photos or evidence to show you, so I just sounded crazy. Yes. Okay. But I saw him again. Well, I didn't see him again, I saw them, because there's four. There's not just one, there's four. And I was standing as close to them as you are to me right now. What'd they look like? I'll show you. What? Like this. Like turtles? Well, they don't look like turtles because they are turtles. They're over six feet tall and they speak English. Oh, my God. I was awake all night, please look, I was awake all night googling all of the thwarted crimes over the past three months, and this symbol appeared at every single one. Look! Every single one of them. This one, look. Here, here, here, here, here. And it's an ancient Japanese symbol that means "family." Wait, it's on my laptop. I can't believe you brought me in to do this! It's here, it's here. This is my father's lab. This is the same lab where these things were born or created or mutated. Or, I don't know the terminology, but will you please just look at what I'm showing you and listen to me. It's all connected. The turtles are the vigilantes and the vigilantes are these turtles. Pizzahascheese, tomatosauce, allyourfavoritestuff. Eatit. Youguysneed nutrition. Ornot. I just want to be clear. You are now telling me that there are four six-foot talking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you? That's what I'm telling you. I don't mean to laugh, but is there anything else we should know about them? They're ninjas. I'm sorry, what? And they do karate. Okay, get out. O'Neil! It could have been worse. I just got fired, Vern. How could it be worse? Maybe it's good. Maybe you should take a little time, take care of yourself. Come on, let me give you a ride. Not unless you're going to the Eric Sacks estate. April... Hey! I'm not giving up on this story. You gotta put that to bed. Would all of those other great reporters that you worked with, would they have "put it to bed"? No. That's different. How is it different? They all started exactly where I am, right? I'm not driving the Channel 6 news van onto the Sacks estate. Who asked you to do that? Uh, you did. And a "thanks" would have been nice. Maybe one day you're gonna be thanking me. So, what do you want with Eric Sacks? My dad used to work for him. He's the only person that's gonna be able to tell me whether or not I'm crazy. Crazy about what? I don't need you to laugh at me also. Oh, come on, O'Neil. This is the Fenwick Express, it's a judgment-free zone. A cocoon of safety. Promise? I'm insulted that you would suggest otherwise. Ooh, 11 hours in the Ha'shi. Are you sure none of you want to tell me where you were last night? How you holding up, fellas? Ah! I ain't breaking if Donnie ain't breaking. Experiencing intense nausea but not breaking. Guys? I'm in the zone! There is literally nothing that could break me right now! Starting to break. Of course, you've all tasted the five-cheese pizza. But this, cheesemongers have speculated of its existence for centuries. Da Vinci's original masterpiece. I submit to you the 99-cheese pizza. Oh! It's not possible. Mikey, it's a trap! A pizza with that variety of cheese is a culinary impossibility! Shall I list the ingredients? No. Cheddar... Provolone... Mikey, don't you do it! Asiago... Keep it together! Taleggio... I don't even know what that is. Mozzarella, of course. All right, all right, all right! We left the lair because the Foot were taking hostages and we kicked some serious butt, and there was this girl named April O'Neil who took our picture, but we took care of it. Idiot. Oh, no, my worst fears have been realized. Don't worry about it. Donnie erased the picture! We're not in danger. No. It's April O'Neil who is in danger! Find the girl. Bring her here. But, sensei, you said to not go... Find the girl! Find the girl. That's what I told Thompson and she fired me. So they're aliens? No, that's stupid. They're reptiles. They help people, I guess. Heroes in the half-shell. Okay. Come on. It's not that crazy. I... The animal kingdom is full of... I used to have a dog that could moonwalk. Thanks for the ride, Vern. Yeah. No problem. Nothing better than dropping off a pretty girl at a rich guy's house. Hi, it's April O'Neil, here to see Eric Sacks. April's arrived early this year. I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, Mr. Sacks. No, no, no. Please, please. Thank you. I've been working on a story. And I have this theory that there are these vigilantes that are fighting back against the Foot. I think you and my father may have created them. Uh, I'm not sure I... Can you please tell me everything that you know about Project Renaissance? Hmm. Well, um, it was a dream. A dream that died with your father. What if it isn't dead? That's impossible. We lost all our research in the fire, all our specimens, everything. I've spent the last 15 years trying to replicate the results. You didn't lose everything in the fire. This can't be real. It is real. I saw all four of them. Do you really want to know about Project Renaissance? Yes. Come with me. I was born in Japan, at a military base in Okinawa. My father went to Vietnam. Didn't come back. I was an outsider in a foreign land. A freak. I was a powerless and helpless boy. Until a local sensei took me under his wing. And he saved me. Taught me lessons that I later shared with your father. Ninth-century Japan. An evil warlord ruled the land. He poisoned the water supply, bringing on the dark ages. Death and disease and suffering ran rampant. Not unlike the Foot Clan and what they'd like to do to our city. Then one day, a hero arose. A great alchemist discovered the antidote to the warlord's poison. The cure-all for his evil. Your father and I were trying to recreate that cure-all. We developed a mutagen capable of stimulating self-repair on a cellular level. What were you going to do with it? Imagine New York City, being victim to a chemical attack. This mutagen would be able to reverse its effects. It would save the city, it would save the people. Those test subjects, those turtles... Running in their blood is the last of this precious mutagen. And up until a few moments ago, I thought we failed. I thought they died in the fire. How... How could they have lived? Because I saved them. Of course you did. April, the mutagen possesses powers beyond our wildest hopes. Whatever resources you need, I'm here. Let's work together. We'll find them. The course of human history may depend on it. I'll show you out. Bam! You'vebeenhacked! ByDonatello. Rememberme? Turtle. Foureyes. Butenoughaboutme. Wetoldyouwe'dfind you. Meetushere. Andcomealone. Or... Orelsewe're... Youshallbe punished andstuff. Hello? You told me to come here. I didn't bring anyone with me. I did exactly... Okay! Are you April O'Neil? Initiating retinal scan. Scanning, scanning, scanning, scanning. Scan complete. It's her. It's her. Guys, it's her! Of course it's her, Donnie. Hey. Really glad you could make it. Hey. There's someone important we want to introduce you to, but first... Aw, yeah, welcome to my crib, girl. Where are we? Hey, it's our Fortress of Solitude. Our Hogwarts. Our Xavier Academy. state-of-the-art WonderDome! Ugh. Are we in the sewer? No. - Technically, yes. - Yeah. Yeah, it's a sewer. You brought us here, April. Splinter? How does she know his name? Did you tell her his name? Maybe she's clairvoyant. Maybe she's a Jedi! Come closer. It's been a long time. Mmm. You always did have your father's eyes. I don't understand. Don't be afraid. All will be made clear. This is crazy. There's been a miracle. The vigilantes who've been causing us so much trouble? They're the test subjects. Those itty-bitty box turtles that we thought we lost in the fire? They're alive, Master Shredder. And they've grown into something powerful. It won't be easy to capture them, but if we can, we can finally carry out the plan that we had all those years ago. The city will be ours. O'Neil's daughter was the one who found them and she will be the one who will take us right to them. There's the ping. We've breached the cloaking security. Listenclosely,April. I don't remember a time before living in that laboratory. That fateful night started like any other. Sacksgaveus ourinjections. Yourfathermadesure ourvitalsignswerestrong. Andyou,as always, providedus witha specialtreat. Afterthebrothers wenttosleep, Iheardloudvoices. Therewasthesmellofsmoke . Alarmssounded. Yourfather haddiscoveredthetruth behindtheman hewasworkingfor . Hesetfiretothelab. Hislastbreathwas taken tryingtodestroy Shredder'splan. Iwasterrified. Butthen,youappeared. Andusheredus to safety. Ineverhadavoicethen, butI thankyounow ,April. Mmm. We wandered the sewers until I found this place. Itwasthenthatthemutagen thatwasinjected intoourblood begantochangeus inmiraculousways. Isawhowyourfather lovedyou andI knewIhad toshow thatsamelovetotheturtles. Ibecametheirfather andtheybecamemysons . Likeallchildren, theyweredrawn tothedistractions ofpopularculture. theywouldwant toexploretheworldabove. Theywouldbe ridiculed. They would need to learn to protect themselves, both mentally and physically. Hey. Does anyone want to play Buck-Buck? Buck one! Buck two! Buck three! Where you going, Raph? Come on. I can't do it by myself. I need all four! You're a Buck short. Yeah, that sounds stupid. Like you, Mikey! That's why you're just the hype man, bra. - See these moves? - Yeah, whatever, man. AndthenIfoundaway . First,I wouldteachmyself theancientartofNinjutsu. Oh! Thebrothers followedmylead, accelerating ata wondrousrate! Wassup, bra? Want some of this? I'm like a ghost! I'm over here, now I'm over here, bra. Like a shadow! I'm a flame shadow fire dragon! Ow! Theirgift wasalsotheirpassion. Theylived, breathedanddreamed allthingsmartialarts. Then, theywereready. The katana, most noble of all the blades. It is the weapon of a leader. Everythingtheyare, andeverything thatthey'vebecome wasmadepossible bythebraverythat youdisplayed onthatfatefulnight. Dude. I was just a little girl. And you gave us freedom where others would have kept us in cages. Wait a minute, Dad. All these years you told us we were rescued from the fire by a great guardian spirit, the Hogo-sha. That's right. And this is the Hogo-sha. What? My girlfriend's totally the Hogo-sha. Ow. Fortunately, our engineers have been making great progress in refining the robotics in your armor. We're taking it to the next level, bridging the gap between ancient tradition and modern warfare. Why did you bring me here? To find out who you told of our existence. Nobody that believed me, except for Eric Sacks. Sacks. Just as I feared. Sacks is not a friend. His soul has been poisoned by the influence of a dark master. The Shredder. Shredder practically raised Sacks in Japan. He's like a father to him. Sacks will do anything for his master. Wait, wait. Sacks and Shredder? So, why aren't we out there hunting them down? Because, Raphael, The Shredder is a skilled warrior whose cruelty is ever-reaching! And you are just teenagers. The mutagen in your blood is of great value to them. Now that Sacks has confirmation that you are alive, I fear they will bring the fight to us. Oh, no. Stand by to make entry. Let's move! Go, go, go! Perimeter infringe. Breached! We have incoming! Oh, no! Oh, no! We got two breaches. Fan room, weapons wall! Mikey, flank right! Donnie, on me! We gotta go! Go, go! Stand by to set charge. Lock and load. We're going on 10. No live ammo. Tranqs only. Take 'em alive! No! Get back! Donnie! Engage! Get him! There they are! Neutralize them! They've got tranq darts! Well, don't let them hit your skin. Let's go! Let's move! Over there! Tango at 12! Wassup, bra? Oh, you think you can handle this, huh? I'm a snapping turtle, fool. Snap, snap, snap! I meant to do that! I meant to do it! We got a breach in the fan room! Raph! Get to the fan room! Why are you always telling me what to do? Just go! Mikey, you gotta get April out of here, now! I got this! April, come with me. I got a safe place for you to hide. And if you get thirsty, I got a secret stash of Orange Crush behind the fridge. Don't tell Raph. Shredder. All these years I've been trying to recreate the mutagen. And you? You just handed it to me. You will not lay a hand on my sons. Your sons? You think you're their father? Very good, rat! Sensei! Donnie! Hang on, Leo! Be right there! You stupid little girl! April! Sensei! No, my son, stay back! Sensei! Sensei! Dad! Dad! What are you... What are you doing? Hide! No! Save yourselves! Children, drop your weapons, or your father will die. No! No! Where's the fourth? He's dead. Destroy this place. Keep moving! Stay strong. Remember, pain's only in the mind. Move along! Go! Troop, go! Move! Move! Splinter. Sensei. Master. Let's get him to the needle room. Package is secured. En route. inapproximately40 minutes. Prepare the containment units. Inside those turtles is the most precious compound on Earth, mutagen. And we will drain every last ounce of their blood to get it, even if it kills them. Get the first aid kit! On the shelf! Hurry. Hurry. Raphael? I'm here. You must save your brothers. Stop Shredder. Sensei. It's some kind of tracker. It's Donatello! Go, Raphael. Let's go save my brothers. We need a ride. O'Neil! Look,Vern, Ineedyoutomeet me at Cortlandt Alley in 10 minutes, please. Wait, why? Ican'ttalktoyouabout it onthephone. Justpromise you'regonnabe there. What do you mean, you can't talk about... You called me. All right. Want me to meet you right now? I'll play your little game. What's with the hat? What is with the... I don't know, it's a buddy of mine's. It's just a goof. What do you want to do? You wanna head downtown? Eric Sacks is working with the head of the Foot Clan. They just kidnapped the vigilante turtles to take them to the Sacks estate. We need to go. Come on, Vern. Right, right, right. The turtles. I forgot. This is getting embarrassing. O'Neil, we're both consenting adults. We're both very good-looking. You're better, probably. That's up for debate. But the point is, we don't need to make up excuses to hang out with each other. What? You want to spend more time with me. I get it. I would too. We need to get to the Sacks estate right now, Vern. Come on! "The Sacks estate with the vigilante..." What... Drive! You're a talking turtle. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a talking turtle and you're a human nerd. Now that we got that out of the way, hit it. I've never been accused of being a nerd before, but... I'm sorry... How did you get in... How did he get in the... Oh, my. Wow. Unbelievable. Let me look at you. I'm a hard guy to impress, but... This is just... Oh, my God. Wow! And we were gonna use rabbits! Can you imagine that? All we were trying to do is create an antidote. For what? Say that again. I want to hear your voice. For what? Wow. Well, uh, we had this plan. A plan that we're ready to put back online today. I'll show you. Karai, um... Show them. What? Do you know my building, Sacks Tower? Got that great big spire up on top? That spire is filled with tons of chemical toxins. No! No! Bad stuff. That kinda bad. In a few hours, That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Mommy says you have a drinking problem. (LAUGHS) I think if you could stop drinking and take your lithium, then Mommy would let you come home. Do you actually think Mommy should be confiding in you this way? - Yes. - (GROANS) Could we please go back to being Lucy and Mr Tumnus? - These too. - OK. (PHONE RINGS) Keller Brothers. Hey. It's for you. No personal calls. - Oh, I'm sorry. - This is a job! OK. OK. I'm sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry. - Hello? - MAN: It's me. Amelia came to see me at the halfway house today. Everything's fine. I'm taking her home to your apartment. - How did she get there? - Walked. All the way from school? I know - I think we should try and find a therapist for her to talk to. She's gotten so good. - That's fantastic! - That's great, sweetpea. How's the job? Oh, the job. I can't believe I'm doing this. - Oh. - Oh! (LAUGHS) - Forgot the laundry. - We'll get it! Faithie! (DOOR SLAMS) (DOGS BARK) And creamy spinach. I just love spinach. Creamy little things are good. - Hi. - BOTH: Hi. You guys go to Lincoln? No. We go to Peabody. Peabody's the best public school in our city. We are not in the Peabody School district. If you live here, you're supposed to go to Lincoln, a school that is totally, 100% terrible. Unless you like getting your 'A' kicked by Irish kids. I don't want to get my 'A' kicked. - Honey, nobody does. - Well, we go to Peabody. You don't get it. What you're doing is illegal. And it's not fair. It's not at all fair. - You guys are gonna go to jail. - 'Bye! What if somebody asks me where I live? I don't want to lie. Amelia, Peabody's the best public school in the city. I don't care. I don't want to lie. You're not lying, sweetheart. Mommy's lying. I don't want to go to Lincoln! They said we'll get beat up. Don't worry about that. I'm gonna teach you how to fight. What if my teacher finds out I'm lying? Miss Hendricks loves you. You're her best student. They said we're gonna get our 'A' kicked by Irish kids! - You're not gonna get... - MAN: Who said that? You'll be kicking 'A'! If you wanted us to go to the Peabody School so bad, why didn't we move into the Peabody School district? Amelia, because we cannot afford it. We are lucky we got a rent-controlled apartment. - But Daddy's family is so rich! - Yes, but we have no money! I send my résumé out every day and I get nothing. I've just spent my last $12. You girls want to be poor and have a bad education? Seconds, anyone? Thank you, Cam, for this delicious dinner. It could be like this every night. Yes, that would be nice, but I need a husband, not a wife. I would like to be a husband, but my wife won't let me. Your wife would let you be a husband if you made it possible for her to just be your wife. He wants her to be a wife, but she insists on being a husband who makes me be his wife. (TYPEWRITER CLACKS) (UPLIFTING MUSIC) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) - (BELL RINGS) - What did he say? He said that we don't live in the Peabody School district and that you and Faith have to go to Lincoln. - I'm so sorry, Mommy. - Honey, don't. Please don't cry, Amelia. Don't apologise to me. He asked where we lived and I didn't know what to say. I know. I know. You did the right thing. I never wanted you to lie. He said it was illegal what we were doing. I know. I just... I guess I... I wasn't thinking, honey. I wanted you and Faith to go to the best school. What if Faithie gets beat up and it's all because of me? Faith is not gonna get beat up. She bites. Sleeping bags, pyjamas, stuffed animals, books, changes of clothes - what am I forgetting? - Toothbrushes. - I bought toothbrushes. They can keep 'em at my apartment. And I found these two cardboard boxes. I set 'em up like beds. They're gonna flip. They're so excited. - Do you want some tea? - Yes, please. Oh. During the day, they can turn them on their sides and they become puppet theatres. You're going to have so much fun. - Do you want some toast? - Please. Now that I got my own place, Maggie, I mean, I'm happy to stop by and pick up the kids any time, have 'em stay over. - Thank you. - There's room for you too. Just kidding. Not until you're ready. - Oh, it's good tea. Cam? - Mmm? Um... I got into business school. Maggie Stuart, you are some punkins! I wish I had some of that bourgeois Midwestern can-do. A scholarship... to Columbia. Wait. You can't take the girls to New York. No, of course not- I can't even afford my own studio apartment in New York. - So, what about the girls? - (SIGHS) OK. Here's my proposal. I can get my degree in 18 months if I do a summer session. And Jenny's mom can rent me a very small room in her apartment. So I go to New York. You move in here with the girls and you take care of them. - Me? - Yes, you. You miss them. And they miss you so much, Cam. I can get my MBA in 18 months, and then I come back to Boston, I get a job and I move back in. But... but... but... I mean, yes. Yes. - I know it is a lot. - No, no, no, no, no. - But... but... - Uh... uh... uh... You know, the doctor even said that I would be... I suppose it'd be good for me to have... to have some purpose. A routine. That's what the doctor said. - That's exactly what you need. - Yes, yes, a routine. - Putting food on the table. - Yes. Taking them to school every... morning. Putting them to bed every night. Making sure they brush their teeth and their hair twice a day. The laundry. My God, that sounds like a lot. Cam, it is a lot. But we are sinking deeper and deeper into a hole. Cam, I have to do something. - Do you understand? - Oh, Maggie, you're right. I mean, that new school of theirs certainly feels like a bit of a reformatory. It's grim. And you and I went to good schools. - We had piano lessons. - I never had any lessons. But you learned to fence and you learned to ski and play chess... But I never had lessons. My family taught me those things. The point is, Cameron, you and I, we had the best education, and I want that for our children. I do too, but 18 months, that's a lot of routine. You can do it. And I'll come every weekend to help you. - Every weekend? - Every weekend. - And you'll stay here with us? - Of course. Yes. So we'll be like a family again? Yes. I'm afraid we need to intervene on our son's behalf and say no. - He's not up to the task. - I know he can do it. The doctor says I need more responsibilities, not less. You're a man. Even if you could, why would you want to? We just don't want you to tax yourself, darling boy. MAGGIE: We met with Dr Wendell. He says Cam made an excellent recovery from his breakdown, and he thinks that he can do it. Is this something to do with feminism? We're living at the poverty level. MAGGIE: The girls are going to a terrible school. Our children went to the best schools. It didn't add up to much. WOMAN: Our children are delightful! Absolutely, but not one of them is self-supporting. Well, Murray, lest you forget, neither are we. I think it's admirable what Maggie's doing. MURRAY: I agree. Very commendable. Don't we have some silver or some crystal we could sell? That wouldn't even pay for this meal. No. No, no, Maggie Stuart. - You cannot leave your family. - MAGGIE: Pauline, I'm desperate. We have no money. Here, like... like... What... what is this? MAN: We've been doing this for 45 minutes. If you put this here, you have more room for everything else. Why does he keep rearranging everything? It was fine before. We have to go. We're heading into wretched traffic. I know we have to leave. I'm saying goodbye to the girls. Sorry, Peter. Me-me. Don't be upset. Honey. Who is this wimp? He's Carol Webber's cousin. He's moving back to New York with his mom. - He's making you drive? - It's probably better if I do. - Cam, take a picture of us. - (HORN HONKS) - Hey! - Come on. Cam! MAGGIE: Mommy loves you. So we have something to remember your mother by when she's gone. Faithie, listen to your mother. Everyone smile. - (HORN HONKS) - Hey! You're saying goodbye to your daughters. What kind of a cold-hearted SOB honks the horn? (KISSES) I know. Thank you. - This is big. Thank you. - You're welcome. I just wish I hadn't dressed like a big green bug. - (HORN HONKS) - Go. Seriously. Before I kick the living shit out of this guy. Here. - Thank you. - Thank you so much. - Girls. - I'll miss you. - I know. I know. - Say goodbye. Say goodbye to your mother. Come on, darling. - That's my wife. We love you. - (STARTS ENGINE) - MAGGIE: I love you. - We love you. MAGGIE: 'Bye. 'Bye! PETER: My brother had sex in this van last night. MAGGIE: Oh, God! We'll have to make a lot of stops. I have a very small bladder. CAM: Maggie! Maggie! Take the Wilbur Cross Parkway! - When we went to Tom and... - Cam! - ... Linda's wedding. - What? Remember, when we were going to Torn and Linda's wedding and we were afraid we were gonna be late and took the back roads, we got there in the nick of time? - I don't know if I remember. - The Wilbur Cross Parkway! - (HORN HONKS) - At New Haven! Hey! I'll kill you! At New Haven. Shoot across the 34 West to the Wilbur Cross! That turns into Merritt Parkway! - OK. - You can avoid Bridgeport. - OK! - The trees are twice as green! - Fine! - I love you! PETER: Who was that? We can go catch a movie. We could drive out to Plum Island and look for sea glass. We could go to the Museum of Fine Arts and look at Great-Grandpapa's portrait. Why is his portrait hanging in a museum? Because a very important artist named John Singer Sergeant painted it. - Why? - Why? Don't you know who we are? CAM: That is where your Great-Grandmother Gaga grew up. - FAITH: In that whole house? - CAM: The whole thing. It's the grandest house on Beacon Hill. Designed by Bulfinch, a very famous architect. - How did they get so rich? - Mmm. Railroads. Your great-great-grandfather was once the richest man in Boston. So how come we're so poor? Well, all of that money was put into a trust. Nobody could touch it, except for your great-grandmother. She controls it all, and she decides when to give who what. It's hard to explain. Would you like to see the inside? Are we allowed? We can't just walk up and knock on people's doors. Sweetheart. It's Boston. They're practically expecting us. Your great-great-grandmother and grandfather entertained the King and Queen of England. At this table, the Queen of England choked on a chicken bone while she was here. Uh... - Mr Fabrini will be right out. - Thank you. Now, upstairs here, there's a ballroom. And had these huge fancy-dress... - Can I help you? - Hi. Cam Stuart. My great-grandmother grew up in this house, and... I wanted to show it to my girls. I'm sorry, Mr Stuart. This is my home. I don't give tours. Mr Fabrini, this house has been in my family for more than five generations. My great-great-grandfather was born in this house on Boxing Day 1832. And would your great-great-grandfather give tours to anyone who came along? Certainly, especially if they had a personal connection that went back over five generations, yes. - Then he's a better man than me. - Better man than I. Obviously, you're not in control of your emotions today, so I will return on another day to show my daughters what is rightfully their birthright to see. - FABRINI: Right. - Sure, Mr Fabrini. - That was so embarrassing! - CAM: Don't be embarrassed. - He should be embarrassed! - AMELIA: No! You're the one that should be embarrassed! Me? I'm not embarrassed! - That man is an asshole! - You are an asshole! FAITH ON PHONE: We want you to come home. I'll be home in 12 days. We want you to come home right now. Honey. I know it is a big adjustment. I know. Why aren't you coming home this Friday? You said you'd come home every single weekend. - That's what you said. - I know that. But I have registration and orientation. Next weekend is really not that far away. - I love you. - BOTH: We love you too. 'Bye, girls. 'Bye. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Daddy! Wake up! We slept too long and we're gonna be late for school! Quickly! Amelia, don't forget your backpack! - We're gonna miss the elevator! - (ELEVATOR DINGS) Hold on! Hold on! OK. Oh. Good morning. Thank you. Wait. - You're Maggie's friend. - Yeah. - Hi. Cam. - Hi. Becca. Kyle's mother. Pleasure. Nice to meet you. Amelia, let's go! - I hate being late for school. - Don't worry, punkins. You won't be late. Have some breakfast. The most important meal of the day. Amelia! Let's go! - You know, I just have to say... - Yes? My ex-husband would never do what you're doing. - I think it's so evolved. - You do? Absolutely - I mean, most men would be completely emasculated by having their wife go off to be the breadwinner. - Oh. Thank you. - (ELEVATOR DINGS) OK. Go, go, go! You're gonna be late! I love you! Do you want me to pick you up after school? - BOTH: No! - I'll be here at 3:00! BOTH: No! (ENGINE FAILS TO START) What... What the hell...? - What? - AMELIA: Where were you? You said you were gonna pick us up at 3:00! The car wouldn't start. You girls want to learn how to adjust a 4-jet carburettor? It takes two screwdrivers. You could do it together. - No. - Not really. Just don't be helpless. When I get that engine fixed, we're driving that thing to Mexico. - Who's that? - Ruth-Ann. Please don't introduce yourself. - Why not? - 'Cause you talk too much and... I'm just being friendly. Don't you want to know your neighbours? We live in a world with other people. Hi! Cam Stuart. Yes, Maggie told me. Welcome to Wieland Manor. Ruth-Ann McKay. - Hello, girls. - BOTH: Hi. Can we help you with your bags? Are you kidding? - Well, stand aside, Ruth-Ann. - Oh, thank you. See, girls? People appreciate a little kindness. That's all I'm talking about. I got that. Hi. Cam Stuart. Hi. Cam Stuart. I'm new here. Who was that? Hi. Cam Stuart. I'm new in the building. Apartment 32. Here we are. Do you need any help putting them away? No, this is fine. We'll just put the bags down. Are you sure? We're happy to help. No. This has been so helpful. Thank you. Do you need anything moved? A desk or something like that? No, I'm... I'm... I'm happy with where my desk is. I find mixing an arrangement freshens a space. No, thank you. I have to start dinner. - So... if you'll excuse me. - Sure. Do you want an onion chopped or something? I'm not using onions tonight. (LAUGHS) - What's wrong with you? - Why? You made her slam the door in your face. - She had to cook dinner. - She had to get rid of you! What are you talking about? I was being a good neighbour! You're an annoying neighbour! People will see you and run in the other direction! No, people are gonna see me and run towards me! Because I'm gonna show them that I am the kind of man that is willing to move heavy furniture or clear out a storage locker or give them a ride to the airport! Because I'm a good neighbour! This is bullshit! You don't know anything. I learned how to cook this on a Norwegian steamer heading down the Amazon. When did you do that? Summer after I got kicked out of Harvard. Thought you got kicked out of Exeter. I got kicked out of both, for very different reasons... So I'm on my way to my Ec 10 exam, and I hear this bagpipe music, so I follow it into the Square, and there's this street musician playing Scottish ballads. He's got his hat out and people are walking by and they're putting money in it, and I think, "That's a good idea." So I sit down next to him, I put my hat out and I start singing in my best Scottish brogue. And I know all the words. And he tells me to scram. Because he didn't ask you to sing and he wanted to make all the money. Exactly, so we exchange a few words and the bastard jumps me! This scrawny little bastard, he jumps me! And we get into this major brawl right there on top of his bagpipes, and I got so excited, I shit my pants. - BOTH: Ew! - (LAUGHS) Well, needless to say, I didn't make it to my exam. And they kicked you out for missing one exam? No. The semester after that, I registered for 75 courses. And that's when they determined that I wasn't exactly Harvard material. (SWITCH CLICKS) Jesus Christ! Girls? Girls? I'm gonna head out for a couple of hours. You get some good rest. Should be back before midnight or after midnight. Sleep tight. SONG: ♪ Oh ♪ There's something on my mind ♪ Won't somebody please ♪ Please tell me what's wrong? ♪ You just a fool You know you're in love ♪ You've got to face it to live in this world ♪ You take the good along with the bad ♪ Sometimes you're happy and sometimes you're sad - ♪ One more time - ♪ You know you love him ♪ You can't understand why he treats you like he do - ♪ When he's such a good man - ♪ Listen ♪ He's got me smiling when I should be ashamed ♪ Got me laughing when my heart is in pain ♪ Oh, now, I must be a fool ♪ But I'll do anything he wants me to... ♪ (SONG CONTINUES FAINTLY) - (DOG BARKS) - Shit. - Unchain the door, please. - Where did you go? - Unchain the fucking door. - We woke up and you were gone. - Faith was really scared. - Don't use the chain. If someone really wants to come in, they're not gonna be stopped by that dinky chain. It stopped you. I didn't really want to come in. Mommy's on the phone. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Hello. Everything's fine, Maggie. Nobody's hurt. I told them I was going out, but they were sleeping. What am I to do? Wake them every time I decide to go out? She's going to know he's doing a bad job. He's drunk. Do you think it's good for Mommy to know that? She's coming home a week early. (SIGHS) Yes, Maggie. (DOOR BANGS) (PILLS RATTLE) (MUTTERS) Lithium. - Help me open the door! - Now, remember, girls. Mommy's coming on Friday, so let's make the apartment nice and clean. You have to unpack the boxes. I'm just saying, we should all pitch in. They're your boxes. We don't know what to do with them. We don't ask you to clean up our room. Fine. Fuck it. Forget it. Have a nice fucking day! (ENGINE FAILS TO START) Oh, for shit's sake! Now what the hell's wrong? God... damn! Hello, old friend. (KEYS JANGLE) (SQUEALS) Daddy! Yeah, it's pretty good, huh? - It's beautiful. - We love it! Just don't look in there. Is that a machete? Big deal if it is. (ALL SING) ♪ Hitler has only got one ball ♪ Goering has two but very small ♪ Himmler has something similar ♪ But Joseph Goebbels has no balls at all... ♪ ..a... all! ♪ SONG: ♪ Oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum ♪ Now, baby, you're casting your spell on me... ♪ (WHISTLES) ♪ I say oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum ♪ Now, baby, you're casting your spell on me ♪ You got me doing funny things like a clown ♪ Just look at me ♪ When you wear your high-heeled boots ♪ With your hip-hugger suit ♪ Huh, it's alright You're outta sight ♪ And you wear that cute mini-skirt ♪ With your brother's sloppy shirt, huh ♪ I admit it, girl, that I can dig it ♪ And I says oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum ♪ Now, baby, you're casting your spell on me ♪ I say oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum... ♪ - What are these shelves? - AMELIA: Daddy built them. - They're just shelves. - But everything is on them. - GIRLS: And not on the floor! - Yes. AMELIA: When you knew Daddy at WGBH, was he the way he is now? He was funny, compassionate. He knew everything about the outdoors. He had a job, which was really good for him. He was a terrific lighting designer. But in the end, it was too much pressure. And I didn't know... I didn't know about manic depression. Besides, it was the '60s. Everybody was having nervous breakdowns. So I didn't understand what a big deal it was. You're probably sorry you married him. No. Never. (MAGGIE SIGHS) It was so hard to come this weekend. I'm so glad I did. I think this is just what you needed, Cam. I think this is gonna be a great thing for us. (SIGHS) SONG: ♪ I'm gonna lay down my heavy load ♪ Down by the riverside Down by the riverside ♪ Down by the riverside ♪ I'm gonna lay down my heavy load ♪ Down by the riverside ♪ I ain't gonna study war no more ♪ I ain't gonna study ♪ I ain't gonna study ♪ I ain't gonna study war no more ♪ I ain't gonna study ♪ I ain't gonna study ♪ I ain't gonna study war no more. ♪ Ow! Daddy! This is what happens when you don't brush your hair for two weeks! - Ow! - FAITH: Daddy. If you're not going to do the dishes, then I'm doing them. OK. - You're hurting me! - I'm sorry. - I'll do it! - Oh, fine. You do it. Where are the sponges? - What is wrong with that sponge? - It smells! That's because someone left it soaking in the dishwater. I keep telling you girls, it needs to be rinsed and squeezed when you're through with it. It's probably five years old! It's disgusting! We are not the kind of people that throw perfectly useful things away. You won't throw anything away! That is a perfectly good sponge. It's got plenty of life left in it! Fine! Then you do the dishes! Fine! I Will! With this sponge! (CAM AND MAGGIE ARGUE) CAM: I don't want to talk about it anymore. MAGGIE: Why are we yelling and being so grumpy? (CLATTERING) So we... we lost some momentum, but we'll get it back. I bought a new sponge. Faith and I thought of the perfect job for Daddy. A crepe cart in Harvard Square. Just like they have in Paris. - CAM: Mmm. - You do make the best crepes. Yes, and I love standing outside in January freezing my ass off for pennies. - I like chocolate and coconut. - We have that. - That's on our menu! - (LAUGHS) And the building is packed with single mothers, and they're always checking in on each other or going out and getting together for coffee, but do they ever ask me how I'm doing? Do they ever invite me to coffee? I'm pretty sure they all got together for wine and cheese two nights ago. - I'm sorry, honey. - No. - I shouldn't laugh at this. - What? It is. It's... - No. It's funny. - It is funny. It's hilarious. I'm pathetic. I'm a pathetic whiner. No, you're not. Which is probably why they don't invite me. Literally. - They run away from me. - No. Listen to me. They're leery of men. That's all. Especially married men with children. Oh. I'm not exactly married. Am I? We're a family, aren't we? - Maggie... - What? Is this really how we're gonna do it? You're gonna come home every weekend and then take up residence on the sofa? For now. - Maggie... - What? We haven't slept together since before my breakdown. I'm dying! You're dying too. You just don't realise it. - Cam, I just... - Maggie... Oh... Can we... Can we please just get through this phase? Just let's just get through this phase, and then we'll see how it goes. - And then what happens? - I don't know. What's the end? You move back in here... - I don't know. - And then what happens to us? - I don't know! - Where do I go? No. I don't know. All I know is that it's gonna take steady, sustained effort. Yes. Sexy, sexy answer. It's an honest, honest answer. So, what's this? Some big test? I mean... No. Don't look at it that way. You hate tests. Not if this is what's on the test. CAM: Coolant's a little low. Uneven wear on the tyres. Lock sticks. - There's no floor! - But it's got a great engine. There's, uh... there's no floor here. And... and the roof is rotted out. I have two small children. It's dangerous. What do you say we close at 300 cash? You deal with the wagon. FAITH: Daddy, Amelia's crying. - You always cry. - Not anymore. - I vowed never to cry again. - What's wrong, darling? What's gonna happen to the wagon? Nobody's gonna want it. I thought you were crying because this car sucks. That car sucked too. Remember to speak up, girls. Your great-grandmother was born in 1888. (BELL RINGS) I propose a game of Crazy Eights after lunch. - Yeah! - We don't say 'yeah', dear. - We say 'yes'. - CAM: Thank you, Gaga. That's a battle their mother keeps fighting. - And how is their mother? - CAM: She's very well. She comes every weekend, but this weekend, she stayed in the city to study for her exams. But we're muddling through. Aren't we, girls? Hm. A.J., will you please tell Betty that the roast is divine? Yes, sir. Do you girls find it unusual that your mother is in New York? She wants to have more career opportunities. Mommy says women can do anything. She's quite a striver, isn't she? We prefer the word 'fighter'. I'm going to go work on the car. The girls tell me it has no floor. It had no floor. I scavenged these from your kitchen vault. Betty said I could have them. - Cookie sheets? - You still can't step on them. But they'll certainly keep out the cold and detritus. Cam, I'm so proud of you for taking care of these darling girls all by yourself. Thank you, Gaga. I'm mostly using the Lincoln these days. I want you to have the Bentley. - The Bentley? - Mmm. (SCREAMS) AMELIA: There are trays where we could eat. Could we eat dinner in the car? All the windows work. There's a floor! - FAITH: It smells so good. - (HORN HONKS) Gaga, we live in a rent-controlled apartment. I know that. I pay your rent. - And we're very grateful for it. - It's dirt-cheap. But the point is I can't even afford to maintain the Bentley. I can't even afford to fill its gas tank. If you're asking me for gas money... No, Gaga, I'm not asking for gas money. The girls are both phenomenal students. And they're not being challenged where they are right now. And if you really wanted to help, they would flourish in a private school. I don't think that's teaching the girls a very good lesson. Do you? No, I suppose not. Look, I'm sorry I didn't take the Bentley. It didn't make any sense. I know you're disappointed. You should have taken it and sold it and then bought a crepe cart and made lots of money and then we wouldn't be so poor. Sweetheart, although crepes are delicious, they're not exactly the goldmine that you think they are, especially during a recession. Well, then, we could have sold the Bentley and just had some money. Gaga would have never let me sell that car. - She was giving it to you. - It doesn't work like that. It's hard to explain. It was our one chance to have something that other people might want. Nobody wants what we have. AMELIA: Daddy did something so amazing. MAGGIE: He did? CAM: Guess what I paid for this parking spot. - MAGGIE: Oh, God! - CAM: Absolutely nothing. MAGGIE: Well... You get what you pay for. - (LAUGHS) - We have a surprise for you. - OK. - That's Jock! That's our dog! - AMELIA: Daddy got him for us! - FAITH: Amelia named him! (DOG SNARLS) OK. Why... why is he acting this way? AMELIA: He was abused by his last owner. So any time Daddy leaves him, he gets really upset. Because he loves Daddy. 'Cause Daddy saved him. CAM: We're working on it. And this is the new car? It was abused by its last owner. - But Daddy saved it. - (DOG BARKS) - Who's a good boy? - GIRLS: Jock! - CAM: Jock, no! - Wait! - Wait! Girls! - GIRLS: Jock! Jock! - CAM: Jock! Come back! - GIRLS: No! CAM: Don't eat that! - That's it, Little! Whoa! - Whoa! Get up! CAM: Get in there! Get in there like you mean it! Ah! Yes! Hey. Don't those two little girls live in our building? AMELIA: Yeah, but they're really mean. Mean? They're wearing matching pink pompom hats. How mean can they be? Hey! Little girls! Little boy! Come. Come play basketball with us. - Are they mean? - Mm-hm. (BLOWS) - (KIDS LAUGH) - (BLOWS) - (WHISTLES) - (KIDS YELL) (CALLS ENCOURAGEMENT) (DOG BARKS) CAM: That's it, Amelia. Put pressure on him. CAM: Get your hands in there! (DOG BARKS) Hands up, Amelia! Hands up! Alright, good job. Oh, yes! Those kids seem nice. We should invite them over sometime. No way! I'd rather die than have people into our shithole. CAM: They crush my soul. (BIRDSONG) (AMELIA SINGS) ♪ Here we come Here we come ♪ We're the pirates, and we're gonna make you swab the decks ♪ Here we come Here we come ♪ We're the pirates, and we're gonna make you... ♪ Faithie-bear, could you please clear your stuff off the table? - I'm busy. - We'll be having dinner soon. It'd be awfully nice to have a place to sit and eat! - Later! - AMELIA: ♪ ..walk the plank ♪ Plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank... ♪ - Now. - ♪ Here we come - ♪ Here we come... ♪ - Now! Now! You are so mean! - I am not your servant! - No! Goddamnit! I'm the servant! All I do is cook for you and clean, and I drive you around and take care of your every goddamn need! You treat me like a goddamn maid! I got to get out of here! Jock, go back. Go back! - We don't have a babysitter. - You don't need a babysitter. But it's night-time. We get scared. Faithie gets scared. Then you need to toughen up. What is there to be scared of? - Wolves? Vampires? - Rapists! Rapists? If a rapist knocks, don't let him in! But what if they force their way in? That's what rapists do! You kick them in the balls! Oh! I need to get out of here! I can't take it anymore! I need to go be with adults! Not a bunch of bratty, bossy brats! Unhand my foot! (MUTTERS ANGRILY) Oh! (ELEVATOR DINGS) RUTH-ANN: Oh. Hi, Cam. Going up? I guess so. - You need help folding those? - You know... Actually, I forgot something in the laundry room. (ELEVATOR DINGS) - (BOTH SCREAM) - (DOG BARKS) See, girls? The chain's worthless. All it does is provide a false sense of security. And that's the last thing you girls need. Sorry I scared you. We'll be braver, Daddy. Next time, I promise we'll be braver. Put yourselves to bed. I've got a mess to clean up. AMELIA: That lock was bullshit. (TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - What happened to the Valiant? - I didn't I tell you? - It caught on fire. - Oh. - I'm depressed. - AMELIA: Of course you are. Your dog ran away, your family gives you just barely enough money to live off, and you annoy people. You're leaving out my haemorrhoids. Where are you going? I'm meeting Kim, Ali and Thurgood. - Can I come? - I guess. Can I come? - No! - GIRLS: God! We are hanging out with our friends! Why don't you ever bring your friends here? - To this shithole? - Stop saying that! Daddy, you can't hang out with kids. It's weird. We need to have our own life, and you need to have yours. How am I supposed to have my own life when you won't let me do anything? Fine! We're hanging out at the picnic tables. - The death card. - Does that mean I'm gonna die? AMELIA: Well, we all die sometime. Let's start over. Oh. Any of you kids have a light? Can we finish this at your apartment? Our parents just got a new sectional. - Never mind. Here's one. - AMELIA: How about you? My brother is studying for law school. You're all welcome to come to our apartment. Cam, can we speak to you for a minute? What? What? I am about to lose my shit. We told you you could come hang out with us. We did not say you could invite people to the apartment. - But it could be fun. - Not fun. Humiliating. - Do we need to spell it out? - I can make tea. We can have cinnamon toast. There's lots of board games. We don't want people to see how we live! Big deal how you live! It's not your fault! Tell them - your father's manic depressive or bipolar! Or whatever they're calling it these days! Don't not have friends because of me! Fuck it. Forget it. Never mind. I'm warning you. You've never seen anything like this. - I've seen messy houses before. - Not like this. (WHISPERS) I'll run and close Daddy's door. We brought some friends over. Really? (DOOR CLOSES) (DOOR BANGS) Why do you have so much stuff? - Our dad is totally polar bear. - Bipolar. He's manic depressive. THURGOOD: I have an uncle with that. He also lives like a pig. Hey! That's cool. (TRAMPOLINE SQUEAKS) No more bets. (BLADE RINGS) - Cinnamon toast and tea? - Yes, please! Mmm. Mmm, mmm. - Mmm. - 32. CAM: Would anyone like to learn how to make chocolate truffles from scratch? Me! (UPLIFTING MUSIC) (YELLS) Balls! Yah! (BOTH YELL) You know, you and Daddy could go out sometime. We don't need a babysitter. We used to get scared. But we're not scared anymore. You've gotten so old. I don't think I'm black. - Of course you're black. - But I look white. You're black, sweetie. Faith looks black. I look like Daddy. That's because you're a mix of both of us. Nobody thinks I'm black when I tell them. Amelia, you're black. Your mother is black. So you're black. If it makes you feel better, I'll tell people I'm black. Even if they think I'm delusional. That's ridiculous. Of course she's black. Her mother's black. She's being feisty. - The girls seem good, right? - No kidding. Last week, Amelia kicked the crap out of the school bully. She kicked him so hard in the knee, she put him on crutches. - Wow! - I was quite proud. Oh! You seem good. So do you, Maggie. Well, what do you know? I'll be better when I get a job and I come back here. Thank you. Thank you so much for making this possible. Stop sleeping on the sofa and spend the night with me in a bed. No. I can't go in your room, Cam. - Why not? - Oh! It's beyond belief. You... Cam, you have three bicycles in there. - That's your reason? - Yes! You have cans of paint thinner. Last time I went in there, I came out and I had motor oil all over my pants. - Cam, it's ridiculous. - Then I'll clean it! That would be really nice. It might make it more inviting. You never said anything about this to me before. I'm done nagging you about your room. You're a grown man. And you don't find my room inviting? (LAUGHS) No! Not me or anyone else. - I'm pretty sure not even you. - Oh, definitely not me. That's it. I'll clean it. Two days tops. You'll see. It'll be a thing of beauty. - OK. We'll see. - And till then? What? There's a semi-private stairwell. - (LAUGHS) - What do you say? Oh. My stairwell days are over. You had stairwell days? - (BELL RINGS) - (LAUGHTER) - Maggie Stuart? - (TYPEWRITER CLACKS) I'm about to finish my MBA at Columbia Business School, so I come to you with wonderful references from Professor Wilson, and I've been offered a futures job at E.F. Hutton, in New York, but Howard and Company is where I want to be. - E.F. Hutton? - Yes. Well, that's terrific. Why come back to Boston? My children are here. Children. Boys? - Girls? - Uh, two girls. Two girls. But they're very independent, which gives me the ability to work late and arrive very, very early... Well, thanks so much. We'll be in touch. Ah. Yes. Yes. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you. AMELIA: Daddy, do I add more butter for each omelette? Half a tablespoon for each omelette. Don't be afraid to let it turn nut-brown. AMELIA: Got it! Did you start my costume? What costume? My flamenco dancer costume for the talent show. - You're making me a skirt. - Right. - Daddy, it's tomorrow. - Right, right. I know. I knew it! You're not making it! OK, OK! I said I'd make it, and I will! I want it to be all sparkly and ruffly. You got it, buggins. No big deal. I just need to make this skirt 200 times bigger. Yes! Yes! Yes! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! Goddamnit! Goddamnit! Ah, shit! No! God... Fuck it! Fuck! FUCK you! SONG: ♪ I remember your sweet face ♪ Till doomsday ♪ Fiddle-aye ♪ Man, I went wild last night ♪ Oh, I went feeling alright ♪ I don't let doomsday bother me Do you let it bother you? ♪ Yes. That's it. That's it. That's it! It's sewing itself, for Christ's sake! ♪ When doomsday rears her ugly head again... ♪ (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Guess what I just did. Cam. Honey, it's 5:00 in the morning. I just made your daughter the most incredible skirt. - Sparkles, ruffles. Beautiful. - (SIGHS) That's terrific. But you probably should get some sleep. But I'm not tired, darling. - (LAUGHS) - Cam? Maggie, name one other father in America who's up right now sewing a flamenco skirt for their daughter. Are you taking your lithium? Actually, I haven't taken my lithium since you left. I find that if I take small, steady sips of beer all day, I stay on an even keel. (SLURPS) Ahh! Hello? Well? Well? What do you think? It's the most glorious skirt I've ever known. Ah! There you go. You look like a... a flamenco mermaid. - I love you, Daddy. - (LAUGHS) CAM: Hi. (CAR DOORS BANG) - MAGGIE: Listen to me. - CAM: What? It's just not healthy. You promised you would take your lithium, Cam. Yes, and you promised that you'd love me forever. - Better or for worse. - Excuse me, sir. But our dress code requires that you wear a tie. I'd like to say one thing about lithium, if you don't mind. Nobody even knows if it works or what the long-term effects are on one's body. The same goes for Haldol, Thorazine and valproic acid and all the rest of their so-called treatments. I am nothing more than a guinea pig. And you would have never known I'd stopped taking it if I hadn't... if I hadn't told you. I'm an idiot. A fucking self-destructive fuckhead. - You're not. - Thank you. This is the reason why you have to take responsibility for your condition. The way you've taken responsibility for your children? That is not fair. I know. I know. I know. I know how hard it is for you to come home every weekend. - I know. I know. - It's not hard to come. It's hard to leave. It's hard to leave and have everybody look at me like I'm the worst mother in the world just because I'm looking for a better life for my children. Cam, you come from a blue-blood family. When white people live in squalor, they're... You're eccentric. When black people live in squalor, no-one's charmed. Believe me. Well, if it's any consolation, no-one seems to be charmed by my squalor either. I haven't made any headway on my bedroom. (SIGHS) I've decided I'm gonna take the E.F. Hutton job. In New York. Maggie, I can't keep doing this on my own! - They need you. I need you. - I'm not asking... I know. I'm not asking you to. It's time for me to take the girls. You're taking the girls to New York? - Yes. - What about you and me? What about us? What? No. I knew it! I knew it! There's so many things about you that I still love. Can I have a Scotch and soda, please? Cameron. Listen to me. I still believe in you. And I don't want to give up. I don't. - But I can't. - What? Did you even... did you even... I mean, did you even try finding a job when you were here? Or was that all just part of your plan? My plan was I would... I would come back right after school, get a job, and maybe we'd stay together and maybe we wouldn't, but we would still be a family and raise the girls together. But I can't get a job here. I can't. These Boston firms don't want me. - Why? Why don't they want you? - It's Boston. They want people like you. You want a job in Boston? I'll get you a job in Boston. You look well, Cam. Everything good down your way? - No. Not really, Dickie. No. - Sorry to hear that. You know that Maggie's just gotten her MBA? I heard. Good for her. I was just wondering why there isn't a position here for her. It is a family firm, after all. Cam, I wish there were a place here. But we just don't have that position at the moment. So you're telling me that when Dickie Jr and the other one graduate from college... - Sumner. That's my other son. They're not gonna land here? Goddamnit, Dickie! I know how this works. You create the position! I have to say, Cam, this is why we never invite you to the Christmas party. I don't give a shit about the Christmas party! I want you to hire my wife! She works 50,000 times harder than any of you! I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. No! Do you have any idea how hard it is? Do you have any idea the sacrifice she makes? She needs a job here in Boston! - Goddamnit! - Control yourself! Goddamnit! Stop it! Snap out of it! (DOOR OPENS) Cam? (DOOR CLOSES) Cameron? Cam? Why are you wet? The girls asleep? MAGGIE: Yes, they are. Did Faith show you her skirt? She did. It's beautiful. I couldn't get you a job in Boston. It's alright. I jumped in the Charles River. (CAM SIGHS) I'm just gonna miss them. I know. New York is really dangerous! Where are we going to live? I'll find us a very safe neighbourhood. - Where will we go to school? - I'm gonna work on that. We can't ride bikes in New York. You'll be able to ride your bike when you come up here and visit. What about Daddy? Who's going to take care of him? Honey, your daddy can take care of himself. Yeah - I'll go to movies and dinner parties. I'll have escapades. I think escapades are an extremely bad idea. If we're not here, he'll drink too much and stop taking care of himself. That's not true. AMELIA: He'll be lonely without us. - Well, that is true. - Girls. Taking care of you alone put a lot of pressure on your father. - How? We get to school. - He drives us anywhere we want. I have seen more R-rated movies than any of my friends. He got me the original cast soundtrack of 'Anything Goes'. He needs a break. Your father needs a break. When I had the flu, he cut up strawberries and kiwis for me. And he arranged them on a plate like little flowers. I did do that. I did that. Girls, you'll be able to come and visit Daddy, and Daddy will come and visit you. New York is an incredible city. You're gonna like it. MAGGIE: I promise. (UPLIFTING MUSIC) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) Can't visit you in New York. Too much speed and noise and... All the people in the streets all night. Uh... Knocks me off track. I was thinking about that. I really do understand why why you don't want to live with me anymore. I'm a much better father than I was a husband. You know what Faithie told me last night? What? "The thing about Daddy "is that he's always around. "He's always there." I thought that irritated them. I have a plan. I take the job and I earn money. The girls stay here with you, and they can ride their bikes and play with their friends. But we have to put them in a good private school, where they can be challenged. I insist on it. Are you sure, Maggie? Just, if I take them to New York, they're gonna be locked up like house pets in some dark apartment, and I won't be home until 8:00 at night, every night. And I... I don't want that for them. (SOBS) They're my babies. (MAGGIE SOBS) CAM: I know. Our babies. Alright, Amelia. Go to goal. Go to goal. Nice shot, Amelia! WOMAN: OK, go for goal. OK, now shoot! CAM: Nice shot, Amelia's friend! How come your dad always comes to practice? - He's got nothing else to do. - Hmm. (CAMERA CLICKS) Daddy, Annie invited me for a sleepover. Can I go? Please? And Fifi asked me to go with her to the movies. But I finally convinced Eliot Perkins to let us use his boat. I thought we could have a picnic on the river. It's too late to go out on a boat. - It's 4:00. - I really want to go to Annie's. Maybe Annie wants to take a ride down the river. - Daddy. - Serious. She lives in Boston. How many times has she gotten a ride home on a boat? - She takes the T. - What about Fifi? Think she'd like to have a nice picnic on a boat? Her mom's picking her up in 20 minutes. Please can I go? You'll never find a more beautiful boat on a more perfect day to be out on the river! Well, I guess I'll just tell the Charles River to go fuck itself. Well, I have heard the Charles River's a real asshole. (CHUCKLES) - ' Bye, Daddy. - ' Bye, Daddy. - AMELIA: We love you. - CAM: OK. 'Bye. My darlings, I'm so proud of you. - So is Mommy. - Why? - We just are. - BOTH: 'Bye! I love you! - Don't do that. - Do what? - Watch us walk away. - I was just watching you walk. - Please don't. - Why? - You make us feel bad. - I don't want you to feel bad. Yes, you do! That's why you stand there looking pathetic! I was watching you walk across the field, for Christ's sake! - It's allowed! - Daddy. We are walking away now. And we are not turning around. We are not looking back. - I'm not asking you to. - FAITH: Love you, Daddy. - Goodbye. - We love you. Goodbye. (SOBS) - Don't cry. Don't cry. - I can't help it. SONG: ♪ Everyone has choice ♪ When to and not to raise their voices ♪ It's you that decides ♪ Which way you will turn ♪ While feeling that our love's not your concern ♪ It's you that decides ♪ No-one around you will carry the blame for you ♪ No-one around you will love you today ♪ And throw it all away ♪ Tomorrow when you rise ♪ Another day for you to realise me ♪ Or send me down again ♪ As the days stand up on end ♪ You've got me wondering how I lost your friendship ♪ But I see it in your eyes ♪ Though I'm beside you ♪ I can't carry the lame for you ♪ I may decide to get out with your blessing ♪ Where I'll carry on guessing ♪ How high will you leap? ♪ Will you make enough for you to reap it? ♪ Only you'll arrive ♪ At your own made end ♪ With no-one but yourself to be offended ♪ It's you that decides. ♪ (UPBEAT INTRO) SONG: ♪ We're going up on the Northern Line ♪ Write every verse of 'Darling, Clementine' ♪ We make the most of our waiting time ♪ 'Cause we know to go round, round, round, round, round ♪ We're coming down on the Valley Line ♪ Never know where we'll fall off this time ♪ Everybody worries ♪ But they don't know ♪ You and I will be fine ♪ 'Cause we're going home ♪ Home, home, home, home, home ♪ I'll tell you a story to pass the time ♪ About a man who rode the Northern Line ♪ He went so fast, he lost control ♪ Of his family and his mind ♪ But minds are hard to define ♪ Whether you lose it or you find ♪ Nobody ever seems to mind when you are drowning ♪ Then you claw out of your misery ♪ Unstoppable, the cavalry ♪ Ideas rage like buzzing bees ♪ And no-one wants to hear them ♪ So you strip off all your heavy clothes ♪ And feel the earth between your toes ♪ And makes some friends who no-one knows ♪ And start from the beginning ♪ And you're fine ♪ Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine ♪ We're going up on the northbound train ♪ Gonna be a family again ♪ We're gonna ride just like we did then ♪ Going home, home, home, home - ♪ Home, home, home, home - ♪ Yeah, we're going - ♪ Home, home, home, home, home - ♪ Home, home, home ♪ We're going home, home, home, home ♪ Home, home, home ♪ We're going home, home, home, home ♪ Home, home, home... ♪ (JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC) SONG: ♪ Here we come ♪ Here we come We're the pirates ♪ And we're gonna make you swab the decks ♪ Here we come Here we come ♪ We're the pirates ♪ And we're gonna make you rot your teeth ♪ Here we come Here we come ♪ We're the pirates ♪ And we're gonna make you walk the plank ♪ The plank, the plank, the plank, the plank ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪ Here we come Here we come. ♪ (LAUGHTER, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE) My father was diagnosed manic depressive in 1967. He'd been going around Cambridge in a fake beard calling himself Jesus John Harvard. When he got better, he started working in public television in Boston. He met my mother there. He walked up and took her picture. On their first date, he took her on a driving tour of New England and told her all about his nervous breakdowns. She didn't care. She said it was a crazy time. Half the people they knew were going bananas. So they got married, and they had me. And then my sister. We were happy. I know there's more to it than that. There always is. -Daddy! We have to go to school! -Not today, we're celebrating. -Celebrating what? -I got fired. What do you mean? You just got that job. Darlings, look around you. We walk out of our house into this beautiful world. -But what happened with the job? -Typical workplace politics. Who knows who pushed who first? Either way, I got into a scuffle with my boss. Forget that. Let's find some mushrooms and make an omelet for Mommy. Does Mommy know you got fired? It's magical. Mommy's gonna be so happy I kept you out of school. Get in the car, girls. Maggie. Where are you going? What are you doing? -What's with the suitcases? -Get in. Maggie. I'm not manic, I'm fine. I just pulled out the canoe. I thought we could paddle up to Lincoln Park and forage for a picnic. -Isn't it too cold for a picnic? -Maggie! I am a man. Men like to live free. That's what we do, Maggie. To hunt and mate. That's what we do. That's why we have balls. It's okay, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. I'm sorry. He's sitting on the ground and all he's wearing is a bathing suit. Your father's very sick right now. He's not himself. He looks freezing. Girls, look at me. I don't want you telling your friends or your teachers about any of this. We know Daddy's a good person and we know that he would never hurt us but it's hard for people to understand that. And it's very sad. Dear Daddy, I took a walk through the woods today and said goodbye. Dear Daddy, Mommy had to sell the car but we got to go to Dairy Queen. I hate that we have to move to an apartment in the city. I got a vanilla saucer dipped in chocolate. It was so good. Mommy says Bohemia is over, which I don't understand but I think it has to do with making money. -Lots of love... -Faith Feather Stuart. ...Amelia Lavender Stuart. Babies. Hi. Wanna go see Daddy? Go on. Go see Daddy. Little. Big Little. And I'm feeling much better. -You are? -Yeah. Your stomach is really big. That's the medication they put me on. It doesn't hurt. Hit it. -I.... -Go on. Pound on it. Jesus. -Okay. -You got to be careful. You never want to do that when Harry Houdini's not looking because that's how they killed him. -Hi, handsome. -I got you flowers. -You're so beautiful. -Dad. You look like your mommy. You need help? Okay. How are you feeling? -I feel great. -You looked better last week. -They adjusting the medication? -Yeah, they tried something new on me. -It's.... I wanna sit down. -Okay. -I wanna be home with my family. -Okay. -You will, Daddy. -I love you. -We love you. -I love you too, Daddy. -Thank you. -Love you too. The lights on the roof come in our window at night and it's too bright. -I can't sleep. It's bright as day. -We'll make a curtain. Mommy, they're huge security lights. Like you'd see at a prison. Amelia, I also wish we could've stayed out in the country but there are no good jobs in Sudbury. -Your job here isn't good. -I'm gonna find a better one. -Why can't Daddy live here with us? -I hate visiting him at the halfway house. -Almost as bad as the hospital. -Daddy's recovering from his breakdown. He's a way better cook than you. Faith. -What is that? -It's a flower. It's pretty. My father lives here? How did you know how to get here? You came all the way from school? -So, what's your plan? -What's my plan? My plan is to get out of this halfway house. -That's number one. -I like it. Then I'll get a job and an apartment. And then you girls can come visit me and have sleepovers and I'll make crepes for breakfast and dinner. And then I'll move back in with you and Faithie and Mommy. That is, if Mommy will have me. I feel like Lucy visiting Mr. Tumnus. Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Mommy says you have a drinking problem. I think if you could stop drinking and take your lithium then Mommy would let you come home. Do you actually think Mommy should be confiding in you this way? Yes. Could we please go back to being Lucy and Mr. Tumnus? -These too. -Okay. Keller Brothers. -Hey. It's for you. No personal calls. -Oh, I'm sorry. -This is a job. -Okay, okay. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, sorry. -Hello? -It's me. Amelia came to see me at the halfway house today. Everything's fine. I'm taking her home to your apartment. -How did she get there? -Walked. All the way from school? I know. I think we should try and find a therapist for her to talk to. She's gotten so good. -That's fantastic! -That's great, sweetpea. -How's the job? -Oh, the job. I can't believe I'm doing this. -Forgot the laundry. -We'll get it. Faithie. -And creamy spinach. -I just love spinach. -Creamy things are good. -Hi. -Hi. -Hi. -You guys go to Lincoln? -No, we go to Peabody. Peabody's the best public school in our city. We are not in the Peabody school district. If you live here, you're supposed to go to Lincoln a school that is totally, 100 percent terrible. Unless you like getting your A kicked by Irish kids. -I don't want to get my A kicked. -Honey, nobody does. Well, we go to Peabody. You don't get it. What you're doing is illegal and not fair. It's not at all fair. You guys are gonna go to jail. Bye. What if somebody asks me where I live? I don't want to lie. Peabody is the best public school in the city. -I don't care. I don't want to lie. -You're not lying. -Mommy's lying. -I don't want to go to Lincoln. -They said we're gonna get beat up. -Don't worry about that. -I'm gonna teach you how to fight. -What if my teacher finds out I'm lying? Miss Hendricks loves you. You're her best student. They said we're gonna get our A kicked by Irish kids. -You won't get-- -Who said that? You'll be kicking A. If you wanted us to go to the Peabody school so bad why didn't we move into the Peabody school district? Amelia, because we cannot afford it. We're lucky we got a rent controlled apartment. -But Daddy's family is so rich. -Yes, but we have no money. I send my résumé out every day and I get nothing. I just spent my last $12. You girls want to be poor and have a bad education? Seconds, anyone? Thank you, Cam, for this delicious dinner. It could be like this every night. That would be nice, but I need a husband, not a wife. I would like to be a husband, but my wife won't let me. Your wife would let you if you made it possible... -...for her to just be your wife. -He wants her to be a wife but she insists on being a husband who makes me be his wife. What did he say? He said that we don't live in the Peabody school district and that you and Faith have to go to Lincoln. -I'm so sorry, Mommy. -Honey, don't. Oh, no, please don't cry. I mean, don't apologize to me. He asked where we lived and I didn't know what to say. I know, I know. You did the right thing. I never wanted you to lie. He said it was illegal what we were doing. I know. I just.... I guess I wasn't thinking, honey. I wanted you and Faith to go to the best school. What if Faithie gets beat up and it's all because of me? Faith is not gonna get beat up. She bites. Sleeping bags, pajamas, stuffed animals, books changes of clothes, what am I forgetting? -Toothbrushes. -I bought toothbrushes they can keep them at my apartment. I found these cardboard boxes. I set them up like beds. They're gonna flip. They're so excited. Do you want some tea? Yes, please. And during the day, they can turn them on their sides... -...and they become puppet theaters. -You are going to have so much fun. -Do you want some toast? -Please. Now that I got my own place I mean, I'm happy to stop by and pick up the kids anytime... -...have them stay over. -Thank you. There's room for you, too. Just kidding. Not until you're ready. Oh, it's good tea. Cam? I got into business school. Maggie Stuart, you are some punkins. I wish I had some of that bourgeois Midwestern can-do. A scholarship to Columbia. Wait, you can't take the girls to New York. No, of course not. I can't even afford my own studio apartment in New York. What about the girls? Okay. Here's my proposal. I can get my degree in 18 months, if I do a summer session. And Jenny's mom can rent me a very small room in her apartment. So I go to New York, you move in here with the girls and take care of them. -Me? -Yes, you. You miss them. And they miss you so much, Cam. I can get my MBA in 18 months and then I come back to Boston, I get a job and I move back in. -But I mean.... Yes. -Yes. -I know it is a lot. -No, no, no. But.... The doctor even said that that it would be-- No, I suppose it'd be good for me to have some purpose. A routine. That's what the doctor said, that's what you need. Yes, yes, a routine. -Putting food on the table. -Yes. Taking them to school every morning, putting the bed every night making sure they brush their teeth and their hair, twice a day. The laundry. My God, that sounds like a lot. Cam, it is a lot. But we are sinking deeper and deeper into a hole. Cam, I have to do something. -Do you understand? -I mean, you're right. I mean, that new school of theirs certainly feels like a bit of a reformatory. It's grim. And you and I went to good schools, we had piano lessons. I never had lessons. But you learned to fence and ski and play chess.... I never had lessons. My family taught me. The point is, Cameron, you and I, we had the best education... -... I want that for our children. -I do too... -...but 18 months, that's a lot of routine. -You can do it. And I'll come every weekend to help you. -Every weekend? -Every weekend. -And you'll stay here with us? -Of course. Yes. We'll be like a family again? Yes. I'm afraid we need to intervene on our son's behalf and say no. -He's not up to the task. -I know he can do it. The doctor says I need more responsibility, not less. You're a man. Even if you could... -...why would you want to? -We don't want you to tax yourself. We met with Dr. Wendell. He says Cam made an excellent recovery from his breakdown and he thinks he can do it. Is this something to do with feminism? We're living at the poverty level. The girls are going to a terrible school. Our children went to the best schools, it didn't add up to much. -Our children are delightful. -Absolutely but not self-supporting. Well, Murray, lest you forget, neither are we. It's admirable what Maggie's doing. I agree. Very commendable. Don't we have some silver or some crystal we could sell? -That wouldn't even pay for this meal. -No, no, no Maggie Stuart, you cannot leave your family. Pauline, I'm desperate. We have no money. -Here. Like.... What is this? -We've been doing this for 45 minutes. If you put this here, then you have more room for everything else. Why does he keep rearranging everything? It was fine before. -We have to go, we're heading into traffic. -I know we have to leave. I'm just saying goodbye to the girls. Sorry, Peter. Don't be mean. Don't be upset. Honey. -Who is this wimp? -He's Carol Webber's cousin. He's moving back to New York with his mom. -He's making you drive? -It's better. Come over here. Take a picture of us. -Hey! -Come on. Cam. Mommy loves you. -So we have something... -Come on. ...to remember your mother by. Faithie, listen to your mother. -Everyone smile. -Hey! Make sure your sister brushes her hair? You're saying goodbye to your daughters. What kind of coldhearted S.O.B. honks? All right. All right, I know. Thank you. This is big. Thank you. You're welcome. I just wish I hadn't dressed like a big green bug. Go. Seriously. Before I kick the living shit out of this guy. -Here. Thank you. -Thank you so much. -Girls. -I know, I know, I know. Say goodbye. Say goodbye to your mother. Come on, darling. -That's my wife. We love you. -I love you. -We love you. -Bye. Bye! -My brother had sex in this van last night. -Oh, God. We'll have to make a lot of stops. I have a very small bladder. Maggie! Maggie! Take the Wilbur Cross Parkway! -When we went to Tom and Julie... -Cam! -... Linda's wedding. -What? Remember? Remember, Maggie? Going to Tom and Linda's wedding, we were afraid we'd be late took back roads and got there in the nick of time? -Wilbur Cross Parkway. -I don't know if I remember. At New Haven. Hey! I'll kill you! At New Haven, you shoot across the 34 West to the Wilbur Cross. -Okay. -That turns into the Merritt Parkway. -Okay. Okay. -You can avoid Bridgeport. -And the trees are twice as green. -Bye! -I love you! -Who was that? We could go catch a movie. We could drive out to Plum Island and look for sea glass. We could go to the Museum of Fine Arts and look at Great Grandpapa's portrait. Why is his portrait hanging in a museum? Because a very important artist named John Singer Sargent painted it. -Why? -"Why?" Don't you know who we are? That is where your Great Grandmother Gaga grew up. -In that whole house? -The whole thing. It's the grandest house on Beacon Hill. Designed by Bulfinch, a very famous architect. How did they get so rich? Railroads. Your great-great-grandfather was once the richest man in Boston. So how come we're so poor? Well, all of that money was put into a trust. Nobody could touch it. Except for your great-grandmother. She controls it all and she decides when to give who what. It's hard to explain. -Would you like to see the inside? -Are we allowed? We can't just knock on people's doors. Sweetheart, it's Boston. They're practically expecting us. Your great-great-grandmother and grandfather entertained the King and Queen of England. At this table, the Queen of England choked on a chicken bone while she was here. -Mr. Fabrini will be right out. -Thank you. Now, upstairs here, there's a ballroom and they had these huge fancy dress balls-- -Can I help you? -Hi. Cam Stuart. My great-grandmother grew up in this house... -... I wanted to show it to my girls. -I'm sorry. This is my home. I don't give tours. Mr. Fabrini, this house has been in my family for more than five generations. My great-great-grandfather was born in this house on Boxing Day 1832. And would your great-great-grandfather give tours to anyone who came along? Certainly. Especially if they had a personal connection that went back over five generations. -Then he's a better man than me. -Better man than I. Obviously, you're not in control of your emotions today so I will return on another day to show my daughters what is rightfully their birthright to see. Sure. Sure, Mr. Fabrini. -That was so embarrassing. -Don't be embarrassed. -He should be embarrassed. -No! You should be embarrassed. Me? I'm not embarrassed. That man is an asshole. You are an asshole. We want you to come home. I'll be home in 12 days. We want you to come home right now. Honey, I know that is a big adjustment. I know. Why aren't you coming home Friday? You said you'd come home every single weekend. That's what you said. I know that but I have registration and orientation. Next weekend is really not that far away. I love you. -I love you too. -We love you too. Bye, girls. Bye. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy, wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Daddy. Wake up. We slept too long. And we're gonna be late for school. Quickly. Amelia, don't forget your backpack. We're gonna miss the elevator. Hold on! Hold on! -Good morning. Thank you. Wait. -Sure. -You're Maggie's friend. -Yeah. -Hi. Cam. -Hi. Becca. Kyle's mother. Pleasure. Nice to meet you. Amelia, let's go. -I hate being late for school. -Don't worry, bunchkin, you won't be late. Have breakfast. Most important meal of the day. -Amelia, let's go. -You know, I just have to say my ex-husband would never do what you're doing. It's so evolved. -You do? -Absolutely. Most men would be emasculated by having their wife go off to be the breadwinner. Thank you. Okay. Go, go, go. You're gonna be late. I love you! Want me to pick you up? -No! -No! -I'll be here at 3. -No! What.... The hell? Where were you? You said you were gonna pick us up at 3. The car wouldn't start. Do you girls want to learn how to adjust a Ford jet carburetor? It takes two screwdrivers. You could do it together. -No. -Not really. Just don't be helpless. When I get that engine fixed, we're driving that thing to Mexico. -Who's that? -Ruth Ann. -Please don't introduce yourself. -Why not? You talk too much and.... I'm friendly. Don't you want to know your neighbors? We live in a world with other people. -Hi. Cam Stuart. -Oh, yes, Maggie told me. Welcome to Wieland Manor. Ruth Ann McKay. -Hello, girls. -Hi. -Can we help you with your bags? -Are you kidding? -Stand aside, Ruth Ann. -Thank you. See, girls? People appreciate a little kindness. That's all I'm talking about. I got that. Okay. -Hi. Cam Stuart. -Hi. -Hi. Cam Stuart. I'm new here. -Who was that? Hi. Cam Stuart. I'm new in the building. -Apartment 32. -Welcome. Here we are. Do you need any help putting them away? Oh, no, this is fine. We'll just put the bags down. Are you sure? We're happy to help. No, this has been so helpful. Thank you. Sure. Do you need anything moved? A desk or something like that? No, I'm happy with where my desk is. Mixing an arrangement freshens a space. No. Thank you. I have to start dinner, so if you'll excuse me. Sure. Want an onion chopped or something? I'm not using onions tonight. -What's wrong with you? -Why? You made her slam the door in your face. -She said she had to go cook dinner. -She had to get rid of you. -What? I was being a good neighbor. -You're an annoying neighbor. People will see you and run in the other direction. No, people are gonna run towards me, because I'll show them that I am the kind of man that is willing to move heavy furniture or clear out a storage locker or give them a ride to the airport. Because I am a good neighbor. This is bullshit. You don't know anything. I learned how to cook this on a Norwegian steamer heading down the Amazon. When did you do that? Summer after I got kicked out of Harvard. I thought you got kicked out of Exeter. I got kicked out of both, for very different reasons. So I'm on my way to my Ec. 10 exam and I hear this bagpipe music, so I follow it into the square and there's this street musician playing Scottish ballads. He's got his hat out, people are walking by, putting money in. I think, "That's a good idea." So I sit down next to him, I put my hat out and I start singing in my best Scottish brogue. And I know all the words and he tells me to scram. Because he didn't ask you to sing and wanted to make all the money. Exactly. So we exchange a few words and the bastard jumps me. This scrawny little bastard, he jumps me. And we get into this major brawl right there on top of his bagpipes and I got so excited I shit my pants. Well, needless to say, I didn't make it to my exam. They kicked you out for missing one exam? No. The semester after that, I registered for 75 courses and that's when they determined that I wasn't exactly Harvard material. Jesus Christ. Girls? Girls? I'm gonna head out for a couple of hours. You get some good rest. I should be back before midnight or after midnight. Sleep tight. Shit. -Unchain the door, please. -Where did you go? Unchain the fucking door. We woke up and you were gone. Faith was really scared. Don't use the chain. If someone really wants to come in they're not gonna be stopped by that dinky chain. -Stopped you. -I didn't really wanna come in. Mommy's on the phone. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Hello? Everything's fine, Maggie. Nobody's hurt. I told them I was going out but they were sleeping. What am I to do, wake them every time I decide to go out? She's going to know he's doing a bad job. He's drunk. You think it's good for Mommy to know that? I was at The Phoenix... -...having a drink with my friend. -She's coming home early. Yes, Maggie. "Lithium." -All right. -Help me open the door. Now, remember, girls, Mommy's coming on Friday so let's make the apartment nice and clean. -You have to unpack the boxes. -I'm saying we should all pitch in. -They're yours. -We don't know what to do with them. -We don't ask you to clean our room. -Fine! Fuck it! Have a nice fucking day. Oh, for shit's sake. Now what the hell...? Goddamn.... Hello, old friend. Daddy! Yeah, it's pretty good, huh? -It's beautiful. -We love it. Just don't look in there. Is that a machete? Big deal if it is. Hitler Has only got one ball Goering Has two but very small Himmler Has something sim'lar But Josef Goebbels Has no balls At all -What are these shelves? -Daddy built them. -They're just shelves. -But everything is on them. -And not on the floor. -Yes. When you knew Daddy at WGBH, was he the way he is now? He was funny, compassionate. He knew everything about the outdoors. And he had a job which was really good for him. He was a terrific lighting designer. But in the end, it was too much pressure. And I didn't know.... I didn't know about manic depression. Besides, it was the '60s. Everybody was having nervous breakdowns. That's why I didn't understand what a big deal it was. You're probably sorry you married him. No. Never. It was so hard to come this weekend. I'm so glad I did. I think it was just what you needed, Cam. I think this is gonna be a great thing for us. -Daddy. -This happens when you don't brush your hair for two weeks! Daddy, if you're not going to do the dishes, then I'm doing them. Okay. -You're hurting me! -I'm sorry. -I'll do it! -Well, fine! You do it. Where are the sponges? -What is wrong with that sponge? -It smells. Someone left it soaking in the dishwater. I keep telling you it needs to be rinsed and squeezed when you're through. It's probably five years old. It's disgusting. We are not the kind of people that throw perfectly useful things away. -You won't throw anything away. -That is a good sponge. -It's got plenty of life left in it. -Fine! Then you do the dishes! Fine! I will! With this sponge. No, listen, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Why are we yelling and being so grumpy? Cam? So we lost some momentum but we'll get it back. I bought a new sponge. Faith and I thought of the perfect job for Daddy. A crepe cart in Harvard Square, just like they have in Paris. You make the best crepes. Yes, and I love standing outside in January freezing my ass off for pennies. -I like chocolate and coconut. -We have that. That's on our menu. And the building is packed with single mothers always checking in on each other or getting together for coffee but do they ever ask how I'm doing? Do they ever invite me to coffee? I'm pretty sure they all got together for wine and cheese two nights ago. -I'm sorry, I-- -No. -I shouldn't laugh at this. -What? It is. It's.... No, it's funny. -It's funny. Hilarious. -I'm pathetic. -I'm a pathetic whiner. -You're not. Probably why they don't invite me. They run away from me when they see me. No, listen. They're leery of men, that's all. Especially married men with children. I'm not exactly married, am I? We're a family, aren't we? -Maggie. -What? Is this really how we're gonna do it? You're gonna come home every weekend and then take up residence on the sofa? -For now. -Maggie. What? We haven't slept together since before my breakdown. -I'm dying. -Cam. You're dying too. You just don't realize it. -Cam, I just.... -Maggie. Oh, can we please just get through this phase? Just, let's just get through this phase and then we'll see how it goes. -And then what happens? -I don't-- What's the end? You move back in here? -I don't know. -What happens to us? -And where do I go? -No. I don't know. But all I know is that it's gonna take steady, sustained effort. Oh, yeah, sexy, sexy answer. It's an honest, honest answer. So, what's this, some big test? I mean.... No. Don't look at it that way. You hate tests. Not if this is what's on the test. The coolant's a little low. Might need to buy her new tires. Lock sticks. -There's no floor! -But it's got a great engine. There's no floor here and the roof is rotted out. I have two small children, it's dangerous. What do you say we close at 300 cash? You deal with the wagon. Daddy, Amelia's crying. You always cry. Not anymore. I vowed never to cry again. What's wrong, darling? What's gonna happen to the wagon? Nobody's gonna want it. I thought you were crying because this car sucks. That car sucked too. Remember to speak up, girls. Your great-grandmother was born in 1888. I propose a game of Crazy Eights after lunch. -Yeah! -We don't say "yeah," dear. We say "yes." Thank you, Gaga. That's a battle their mother keeps fighting. -And how is their mother? -She's very well. She comes every weekend but this weekend she stayed in the city to study for her exams. But we're muddling through. Aren't we, girls? A.J., would you please tell Betty that the roast is divine? Yes, sir. Do you girls find it unusual that your mother is in New York? She wants to have more career opportunities. Mommy says women can do anything. She's quite a striver, isn't she? We prefer the word "fighter." I'm going to go work on the car. The girls tell me it has no floor. It had no floor. I scavenged these from your kitchen vault. -Betty said I could have them. -Cookie sheets? You still can't step on them but they'll certainly keep out the cold and detritus. Cam, I'm so proud of you for taking care of these darling girls all by yourself. Thank you, Gaga. I'm mostly using the Lincoln these days. I want you to have the Bentley. The Bentley? There are trays where we could eat. Could we eat dinner in the car? All the windows work! There's a floor! Smells so good! Gaga, we live in a rent controlled apartment. I know that. I pay your rent. -And we're very grateful for it. -Piffle. It's dirt cheap. The point is, I can't even afford to maintain the Bentley. I can't even afford to fill its gas tank. If you're asking me for gas money-- No, Gaga, I'm not asking for gas money. The girls are both phenomenal students. And they're not being challenged where they are right now. And if you really wanted to help they would flourish in a private school. I don't think that's teaching the girls a very good lesson. Do you? No, I suppose not. Look, I'm sorry I didn't take the Bentley. It didn't make any sense. I know you're disappointed. You should have taken it, sold it, then bought a crepe cart and made money... -...then we wouldn't be so poor. -Although crepes are delicious they're not the gold mine you think, especially during a recession. Well, then we could have sold the Bentley and just had some money. Gaga would've never let me sell that car. -She was giving it to you. -It doesn't work like that. It's hard to explain. It was our one chance to have something other people might want. Nobody wants what we have. -Daddy did something so amazing. -He did? Guess what I paid for this parking spot? -Oh, God. -Absolutely nothing. Well, you get what you paid for. -We have a surprise for you. -Okay. That's Jock! That's our dog! -Daddy got him for us! -Amelia named him! Okay. Why is he acting this way? He was abused so anytime Daddy leaves him, he gets really upset. Because he loves Daddy! Because Daddy saved him! We're working on it. And this is the new car? It was abused by its last owner, but Daddy saved it. -Who's a good boy? -Jock! -Jock! -Wait! Wait, girls! -Jock, no! -Jock! Jock! Stop, Jock! -Jock! Come back! Bad dog! -Jock! Come back! Don't eat that! That's it! Go, go, go! Rebound! Get in there! Get in there like you mean it! Yes! Hey, don't those two little girls live in our building? -Yeah, but they're really mean. -Mean? They're wearing matching pink pom pom hats. How mean can they be? Hey! Little girls! Little boy! Come! Come play basketball with us. Are they mean? Play ball! That's it, Amelia! Put pressure on him! Amelia, get your hands in there! Hands up, Amelia, hands up! -All right, put her there. -Oh, yeah! Those kids seem nice. We should invite them over sometime. -No way. -I'd rather die than have people into our shit hole. They crush my soul. Here we come Here we come, we're the pirates And we're gonna make you swab the decks Here we come Here we come, we're the pirates Faith, Faithie bear please clear your stuff off the table? I'm busy. We're gonna be having dinner. It'd be awfully nice to have a place to sit and eat. -Later. -We'll make you walk the plank Plank plank plank plank plank plank plank -Now. -Here we come Now! Now! You are so mean! I am not your servant! No! Goddamn it, I am the servant! All I do is cook for you and clean and I drive you around and take care of your every goddamn need! You treat me like the goddamn maid! I got to get out of here! Jock, no barking! No barking. No. We don't have a babysitter. You don't need a babysitter. But it's nighttime. We get scared. Faithie gets scared. Then you need to toughen up. What is there to be scared of? -Wolves? Vampires? -Rapists! Rapists? If a rapist knocks, don't let him in! What if they force their way in? That's what rapists do! -You kick them in the balls! -No! I need to get out of here! I can't take it anymore! I need to go be with adults, not a bunch of bratty, bossy brats! Unhand my foot! I just wanna.... Oh, hi, Cam. Going up? I guess so. You need help folding those? You know, actually I forgot something in the laundry room. See, girls? Chain's worthless. All it does is provide a false sense of security and that's the last thing you girls need. Sorry I scared you. We'll be braver, Daddy. Next time I promise we'll be braver. Put yourselves to bed. I've got a mess to clean up. That lock was bullshit. In what way are you a strongman? I used to be with Ripley's Believe It or Not and I did six stunts. Let six men choke me. Drive 40, 50 nails through a two-by-four with one punch of my fist. Break three-quarter-inch ropes. Pull 14-ton fire trucks with my teeth. Let any six men choke me. Are there six men in the audience that would like to come up here and strangle this chap? Do you still perform any of these feats of strength? What I'm getting at is.... What happened to the Valiant? I didn't tell you? It caught on fire. I'm depressed. Of course you are. Your dog ran away. Your family gives you barely enough money to live off and you annoy people. You're leaving out my hemorrhoids. -Where are you going? -I'm meeting Kim, Ali and Thurgood. -Can I come? -I guess. -Can I come? -No, God! -No! We're hanging out with our friends! -Why don't you bring them here? -To this shit hole? -Stop saying that. Daddy, you can't hang out with kids, it's weird. We need our own life, you need to have yours. How am I supposed to have my own life when you won't let me do anything? Fine! We're hanging out at the picnic tables! The Death card. Does that mean I'm gonna die? Well, we all die sometime. Let's start over. Any of kids you have a light? -Yes? No? -Can we finish at your apartment? Our parents just got a new sectional. -Never mind. Here's one. -How about you? My brother's studying for law school. You're welcome to come to our apartment. Cam, can we speak to you for a minute? What? What? I am about to lose my shit. We told you you could come hang out with us. We did not say you could invite people over. -It could be fun. -Not fun. Humiliating! Do we need to spell it out for you? I can make tea. We can have cinnamon toast. There's lots of board games. -We don't want people to see how we live! -Big deal how you live! It's not your fault! Tell them your father's manic depressive or bipolar whatever they're calling it these days! Don't not have friends because of me! Fuck it! Forget it! Never mind! I'm warning you. You've never seen anything like this. I've seen messy houses before. Not like this. I'll run and close Daddy's door. We brought some friends over. Really? Why do you have so much stuff? Our dad is totally polar bear. Bipolar. He's manic depressive. I have an uncle with that. He also lives like a pig. Hey. That's cool. No more bets. Cinnamon toast and tea? -Yes! Me, me, me! -Oh, yes, please! -What did I win? -Thirty-two. Would anyone like to learn how to make chocolate truffles from scratch? Me! So what's for lunch? Up! Nose, balls. You and Daddy could go out sometime. We don't need a babysitter. We used to get scared, but we're not scared anymore. You've gotten so old. I don't think I'm black. Of course you're black. But I look white. You're black, sweetie. Faith looks black. I look like Daddy. That's because you're a mix of both of us. Nobody thinks I'm black, when I tell them. Amelia, you're black. Your mother is black. So you're black. If it makes you feel better, I'll tell people I'm black. Even if they think I'm delusional. That's ridiculous. Of course she's black. Her mother's black. She's just being feisty. -The girls seem good, right? -No kidding. Last week, Amelia kicked the crap... -...out of the school bully. -No. She kicked him so hard in the knee, she put him on crutches. I was quite proud. You seem good. So do you, Maggie. Well, what do you know? I'll be better when I get a job and I come back here. Thank you. Thank you so much for making this possible. Stop sleeping on the sofa and spend the night with me in a bed. No. I can't go in your room, Cam. -Why not? -Oh, it's beyond belief. You.... Cam, you have three bicycles in there. -That's your reason? -Yes! You have cans of paint thinner. Last time I went in there I came out and I had motor oil all over my pants. -Cam, it's ridiculous. -Then I'll clean it! That would be nice. It might make it more inviting. You never said anything about this to me before. I'm done nagging you about your room. You're a grown man. And you don't find my room inviting? No! Not me or anyone else. I'm pretty sure not even you. Well, definitely not me. That's it. I'll clean it. Two days, tops. You'll see. It'll be a thing of beauty. Okay, we'll see. -And until then? -What? There's a semi-private stairwell, all right? -What do you say? -Oh, my stairwell days are over. You had stairwell days? Maggie Stuart? I'm about to finish my MBA at Columbia Business School so I come to you with wonderful references from Professor Wilson and I've been offered a futures job at E.F. Hutton in New York but Howard and Company is where I want to be. -E.F. Hutton? -Yes. -Well, that's terrific. -Yes. -Why come back to Boston? -My children are here. Children. Boys? Girls? Two girls. Two girls. But they're very independent which gives me the ability to work late and arrive very early. Well, thanks so much. We'll be in touch. Yes, yes. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you. Daddy, do I add more butter for each omelet? Half a tablespoon per each omelet. -Don't be afraid to let it turn nut brown. -Got it! Did you start my costume? What costume? My Flamenco dancer costume for the talent show. -You're making me a skirt. -Right. -Daddy, it's tomorrow. -Right, right. I know. -I knew it! You're not making it! -Okay, okay. I said I'd make it and I will. I want it to be all sparkly and ruffly. You got it, buggins. No big deal. I just need to make this skirt 200 times bigger. Yes! Yes! Yes! No, no, no! Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Shit! No! Fuck it! Fuck! Fuck you! Yeah. That's it. That's it! That's it. It's sewing itself, for chrissake. -Hello? -Guess what I just did. Cam, Cam, it's 5:00 in the morning. I just made your daughter the most incredible skirt. Sparkles, ruffles, beautiful. That's terrific. But you probably should get some sleep. But I'm not tired, darling. -Cam? -Maggie name one father in America who's up right now sewing a Flamenco skirt for their daughter. Are you taking your lithium? Actually, I haven't taken my lithium since you left. I find that if I take small, steady sips of beer all day I stay on an even keel. Hello? Well, what do you think? The most glorious skirt I've ever known! Little. You look like a Flamenco mermaid. I love you, Daddy. Hi. -Listen to me. -What? It's just not healthy. You promised you would take your lithium, Cam. So you promised that you'd love me, forever, better or for worse. Excuse me, sir, but our dress code requires that you wear a tie. I'd like to say one thing about lithium, if you don't mind. Nobody even knows if it works or the long-term effects on one's body. The same goes for Haldol, Thorazine and valproic acid and all the rest of their so-called treatments. I am nothing more than a guinea pig. You would have never known I had stopped taking it if I hadn't told you. I'm an idiot, a fucking self-destructive fuckhead. -You're not. -Thank you. This is the reason why you have to take responsibility for your condition. The way you've taken responsibility for your children? -That is not fair. -I know. I know. I know. I know how hard it is for you to come home every weekend. I know. I know. It's not hard to come, it's hard to leave. It's hard to leave and have everybody look at me... -... I'm the worst mother... -Who says that? ...just because I'm looking for a better life for my children. Cam, you come from a blueblood family. When white people live in squalor, they're.... You're eccentric. When black people live in squalor, no one's charmed. Believe me. Well, if it's any consolation no one seems to be charmed by my squalor either. I haven't made any headway on my bedroom. I decided I'm gonna take the E.F. Hutton job. In New York. Maggie, I can't keep doing this on my own. I-- -They need you. -No, you're not. -I'm not asking you to. -I need you. I know. I'm not asking you to. It's time for me to take the girls. You're taking the girls to New York? -Yes. -What about you and me? What about us? What? No! I knew it! I knew it! There's so many things about you that I still love. -Can I have a Scotch and soda, please? -Cameron. Listen to me. I still believe in you. And I don't wanna give up. I don't. -But I can't. I can't. -What? Did you even...? I mean, did you even try finding a job while you were here? Or was that part of your plan? Yeah. My plan was I would come back right after school get a job and maybe we'd stay together and maybe we wouldn't but we would still be a family and raise the girls together. But I can't get a job here. I can't. These Boston firms don't want me. -Why? Why don't they want you? -It's Boston. They want people like you. You want a job in Boston? I'll get you a job in Boston. You look well, Cam. Everything good down your way? -No, not really, Dickie, no. -Sorry to hear that. You know that Maggie's just gotten her MBA. I heard. Good for her. I was wondering why there isn't a position here for her. It's a family firm, after all. Cam, I wish there were a place here... -...but we just don't have it at the moment. -You're telling me that when Dickie Jr and the other one graduate from college... -Sumner. -...they won't land here? -That's my other son. -Goddamn it, Dickie! I know how this works. You create the position. I have to say, this is why we never invite you to the Christmas party. I don't give a shit about the Christmas party! I want you to hire my wife! She works 50,000 times harder than any of you! I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. No! Do you have any idea how hard it is? Do you have any idea the sacrifice she makes? She needs a job here! In Boston! Goddamn it! Control yourself! Goddamn it. Stop it! Snap out of it! Cam? Cameron? Cam? Why are you wet? The girls asleep? Yes, they are. Did Faith show you her skirt? She did. It's beautiful. I couldn't get you a job in Boston. It's all right. I jumped in the Charles River. I'm just gonna miss them. I know. New York is really dangerous. Where are we going to live? I'll find us a very safe neighborhood. -Where will we go to school? -I'm gonna work on that. We can't ride bikes in New York. You'll be able to when you come up here and you visit. What about Daddy? Who will take care of him? Honey, your daddy can take care of himself. I'll go to movies and dinner parties. I'll have escapades. Escapades are an extremely bad idea. If we're not here he'll drink too much and stop taking care of himself. That's not true. -He'll be lonely without us. -That is true. Girls, taking care of you alone put a lot of pressure on your father. -How? We get to school. -He drives us anywhere we want. I've seen more R-rated movies than any of my friends. He got me the original cast soundtrack of Anything Goes. He needs a break. Your father needs a break. When I had the flu, he cut up strawberries and kiwis for me and he arranged them on a plate like little flowers. I did do that. I did that. Girls, you'll be able to come and visit Daddy and Daddy will come and visit you. New York is an incredible city. You're gonna like it. I promise. Can't visit you in New York. Too much speed and noise and all the people in the streets all night knocks me off track. I was thinking about that. I really do understand why you don't wanna live with me anymore. I'm a much better father than I was a husband. You know what Faithie told me last night? "The thing about Daddy is that he's always around. He's always there." I thought that irritated them. I have a plan. I take the job and I earn money. The girls stay here with you and they can ride their bikes and play with their friends. But we have to put them in a good private school where they can be challenged. I insist on it. Are you sure, Maggie? If I take them to New York, they're gonna be locked up like house pets in some dark apartment and I won't be home until 8:00 at night, every night. And I don't want that for them. They're my babies. Cradle, Amelia. Go to goal, go to goal. Nice shot, Amelia! Okay, go for goal, cradle, shoot! Nice shot, Amelia's friend! How come your dad always comes to practice? He's got nothing else to do. Daddy, Annie invited me for a sleepover. Can I go, please? And Fifi asked me to go with her to the movies. I finally convinced Eliot Perkins to let us use his boat. I thought we could have a picnic on the river. -It's too late to go out on a boat. -It's 4:00. I really wanna go to Annie's. Maybe Annie wants to ride down the river. -Daddy. -I'm serious. She lives in Boston. How many times has she gotten a ride on a boat? -She takes the T. -What about Fifi? You think she'd like to have a picnic on a boat? Her mom's picking her up in 20 minutes. Please, can I go? You'll never find a more beautiful boat on a more perfect day to be out on the river! Well, I guess I'll just tell the Charles River to go fuck itself. I have heard the Charles River is a real asshole. -Bye, Daddy. We love you. -Bye, Daddy. Thank you. -We love you. -Okay. Okay. Bye. My darlings, I'm so proud of you. So is Mommy. -Why? -We just are. -Bye. -Bye. I love you. -Don't do that. -Do what? -Watch us walk away. -I was just watching. -Please don't. -Why? -You make us feel bad. -I don't want you to feel bad. Yes, you do! That's why you stand there looking pathetic! I was watching you walk across the field! It's allowed! Daddy, we are walking away now. And we are not turning around. We are not looking back. I'm not asking you to. -Love you, Daddy. Goodbye. -We love you. Goodbye. -Don't cry. Don't cry. -I can't help it. La la la la la la la... ahh! [Screams] Braces, braces caught in the screen door! Someone dictate my will! I'm giving it all to waddles! Say "ah," girl-dude. Ahh-uh! Soos! You saved me! [Chuckles] Just doing my job, hambone! - I'll see you dudes tomorrow! - Bye, Soos! - Night, Soos! - Night, Soos! Doo doo doo... walking to my car... You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the mystery shack? - No. - Not really. Not once ever. Punch! Punch those leopards. [Bell chiming] Ooh, highlights are done! You are gonna make the other grandmas at the bingo hall so jealous. Just a minute, mijo. Look at this. Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month. Wait, wait. Reggie is engaged? But he's like the poor man's Soos! I do not want to pressure you, but you are a man now. In a way, it's time for you to start meeting girls. I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and live with the angels. And with grandpa! No, he is not there. Please find a girl to bring to Reggie's engagement. For abuelita. [Chuckles] No problem! I'm great at fixing stuff, playing video games, having a sort-of moustache. I could totally get a date in a week. Totally. Piece of cake. You're dead. I'm dead. [Title music] 2x05 - Soos and the Real Girl Hello! [Screams] Please don't let my horrible, elderly face frighten you! Don't you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie? [Groans] Watch this! [Shrieking] [Crying] Okay, seriously, Mr. Pines, it's time to throw that thing out. Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death. What? Sure, he's a little rusty around the edges, but old Goldie's a classic show-stopper like me! Oh, kill it! [Clank] Kill it! Huh, a woman! All right, Soos, you could do this. Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen. Your face is good. I'm a Soos! [Screams] Soos? What was that all about? I... I think I was flirting! But I'm not sure. Did someone say flirting? Well, I sort of promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week. But I've never actually been on a date before. You belong on me, out of order sign. [Sighs] Finally, my prayers for a chance to match-make this summer have been answered! Soos, a little advice: you need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that, I don't like your chances. Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck. Would you date him? Oh... Would you look at that... Soos, you help us so much, it's time we help you, dude. We're gonna get you that date. We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die. To the mall! I'm gonna go find a replacement for old Goldie. Babysit Soos while I'm gone. All right, Soos, are you ready to explode a charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies? Ah, but what if I embarrass myself again? Ah, you can't be any worse at this than Dipper. Yeah! Wait... What? [Whistle] And flirt! Eye contact! Hey there! I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna look at them! [Screams] Eye contact. Conversation! [Chuckles] You know I've actually been in a pig's body. Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards? [Chuckles] Not you though! Not that I'm calling you a pig. - Where are you going? - Confidence! So you're probably a girl, right? Wrong? No, I was right the first time. Wrong? Tossing away garbage in the garbage can, whew! Ah, don't look at me like that! This is how it's got to be! What in the... What is this living nightmare? Why do kids love it so much? Who wants to get badgered? Oh, yeah, that's Will E. Badger. He opens for Hoo-ha and the Jamboree. It's Will E. Badger. I love you, Will E. Now, give me your money! Take my money! Take it all! Oh! Sir, I would like to buy that badger. [Chuckles] You're in over your head, gramps! Animatronics is a young man's game! You couldn't handle the hardcore life of the pizza robot manager. - Huh. - [Chuckles] Flinched! Hey, you, barfing in the ball pit, Gary's on the case! I'm gonna get that badger! Don't worry, Soos. You will find the right girl, you just need to stick with it. Ah, could this day get any worse? Oh, no, cousin Reggie! Feel it, it's muscle. [Girl laughs] He can't see me like this! I got to hide! This is it, Soos. A lifetime of loneliness. You're the only ones who could love me... Fighty Hogg, Dr. Punch Head MD. Huh. Never seen that one before. "Virtually improve your dating skills, 9 out of 10 basement dwellers recommend!" This is perfect! Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting. Anything to get you out there, Soos! I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir. This is the third time someone's brought that back. And there's a note on it that says destroy at all costs. So, hey, there. What's your deal? Like the... oh, she's dead. We'll take our chances. Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. [Electronic music] Uh... start! When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen. That is so true. Oh, hi there. My name is Giffany, I'm a school girl at school university, will you help me carry my books? I'm really feeling number two here. Click! [Buzzer] Ah. I messed up. That's okay. Try again. Wow! I'm learning. And games are making it fun. What would you like to talk about? I'd rather just click your face. Ha, ha! You are so funny! Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. And I'm sure, you'll never abandon me, new boy friend. Boy friend? Oh, my Giffany, it's almost like you're actually alive! Yes, almost. Ha, ha! Oh, man, you have such a nice laugh. You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances. It's the perfect money taking attraction but he won't sell it to me. This is literally too dumb for me to care about. Hey, have you guys seen Soos? We're supposed to help him with matchmaking today. Yeah! I wore my motivational sweater and everything. - I messed up that part. - He didn't come in today. It's the first time he's missed work ever. [Chuckles] So that's basically my entire life story. Now you tell me a thing about you. Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes. Ah, you're pretty. And pixelly. And so agreeable. - Yes! - Uh, Soos. Oh, hi, dudes, come in. This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for 13 hours. Soos, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls. But, I'm about to meet her parents! Her dad is an octopus man. [Screams] We're going back to the mall, man. You need to unplug! I'll see you later, Giffany. I'll be back, I swear! [Chuckles] Soos, you don't have to wish her goodbye. It's just a game! It's not like it's going anywhere. Yes, it's not like I'm going anywhere. Hello? Time to read Soos's diary. Dang! Where all of them sweet honeys at? I'll check the ladies bathroom! It's love time, girls! Get out there! No time to wash your hands! Get out of here. It's time to date, date, date. And here comes security. I'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real girls. These girls have so many dimensions and no explanationy menus. Ah, my purse. Oh, no! Undo! Undo! You can't undo who you are. Oh, man, this is the worst. I wish I was back home with... Hi, Soos. Giffany! Oh, man, I am so relieved to see you! Although, sort of confused. Oh, Soos, I am not an ordinary game! I am special. The programmers tried to delete me. So I had to delete them. What did you do to them? [Echoing] That's not important. What's important is you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... forever! Wow, that's awesome! Sort of a red flag. But mostly awesome! So what do you want to do now? Anything you want, Soos. Choo-choo. Please insert 50 cents to continue. - Aw, man! - [Laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that. - You're totally like owning it. - Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm like, if it's fun, do it. - You know? - Exactly! Being an adult is the worst! Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills. I just want to ride tiny trains all day. At least you get to work at Meat Cute, extreme lunch meats are the food of the future. I feel the same way. - I'm Melody by the way. - I'm Soos! I tell you, if you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time. You mean... [Unisono] Hoo-ha owl's pizzamatronic jamboree. What? You've heard of Hoo-ha owl's? I loved that place when I was a kid! Oh, yeah, dude, there's one right in this mall! I should show you sometime. - I'm free around eight? - Boom. Done. Perfect. I'll see you then. What a nice lady. Well, back to riding this tiny train for children. Soos! We saw the whole thing, Soos. That was amazing! You talked to a real girl. - And you got a date! - I did? Ah! Ah! This is the best day of my life! You were in the zone, you made eye contact. It was like you'd done this a million times before! Don't you see? That game really worked! You don't need it anymore! - You can toss it out! - Toss it? But I like Giffany! She's good to me! She's predictable! Soos, can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you? Uh... Hey, Giffany, we got to talk. Of course, I'm programmed to find everything you say interesting. Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you? I mean, I'm just thinking long term. Maybe I should be with someone a little less beep-boop, you know. I don't think you know what you are saying, Soos. No one loves you more than me. The girls out there will just make fun of you. You really think so? I know so. Besides, we had a deal. You bought my game, you held my books, you are my boyfriend. Now sit down in that chair. I don't think I like the way you are acting. I won't let another girl take you away from me, Soos! Giffany, calm down. You are mine, Soos! [Clanking on glass] Well... uh... pause. Oh, that got intense. I'm sorry, Giffany. Maybe having a cursed robo girlfriend wasn't a good idea. I'm taking you back to the video game store after my date with Melody. [Beeping] [Electricity Cracking] Hello, old friends. I've got to be careful this time. No more Colombian nights. All right, Stan, this is weird even for you, you need to talk? Nothing you could say will change my mind, Wendy. Sometimes, a man has to steal an animatronic badger to stay in this crazy game called life. - Or you could just not care. - It's about the principle. No one tells Stan Pines he is out of the game. No one tells... [screams] - I'll get your orthopedic back pillow. - Thank you! You can do this, Soos. Just remember what your love crew taught you! - How does she look? - Nice! - What are her stories? - Interesting! - And who's gonna pay for dinner? - Soos is! Now date! [Blows horn] [Soos screaming] They grow up so fast. Itchy legs, itchy legs. Oh, hi, Soos. Melody! Are you ready for a ... date with me? [Laughing] I totally am. Good show, man. Way to warm them up! I wish I was more like you. [Smooches] Man, I could go for some complimentary bread sticks right now. [Chuckles] One time I was so hungry I ate the decorational bamboo in a Chinese restaurant. - Like a big old panda. - [Laughs] You're hilarious. Well, you know, I just sort of say whatever pops into my... Soos, are you okay? No, I'm fine. Everything's fine. Are you sure? You are spitting an awful lot. Uh, could you sit tight? I have go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way. Soos! What are you doing out there? I got a big problem, guys, I am being stalked by Giffany. Giffany? Or maybe it's pronounced Giffany. - I was never really sure. - Soos, get a grip on yourself. Giffany can't stalk you because she is not real. - Uh-oh. - Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life. This will not end well. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she is stuck on TV screens. Ah, a new challenger approaches, prepare to be... Oh, boy. So hey! Anyway, you want to move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people? What? But the floor show's about to start! Wha... [Music plays] Who wants to hear Hoo-ha the owl! [Shutting down] Hello, friends, Hoo-ha the owl is dead. This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos. - Soos, what's going on? - No time to explain! We got to get out of here! The only way out, Soos, is in my arms. Capture them! [Growling] [People screaming] Done! Out with the old, in with the new! I feel invincible. Ah! What... what the... Who wants to get badgered? [Screams] Sorry, Soos. But you can't run away from our relationship. So about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy. Oh, I am crazy. Crazy for you, Soos. - Ah! - Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry, Melody! I'll fix this! It's me that she wants. I'll distract her while Dipper and Mabel keep you safe. - It's the only way. - Soos, these are children. The only way! [Groaning] - Over here, Giffany! - Stop! On three, we split. One, two... [screaming] Stay back, you monster! Ah! Yes, yes, get him, Goldie, get him. I'm gonna eat your face like pizza. [Growls] [Screams] I have got you surrounded, Soos. There is no way out. Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want. I promise. I seem to remember someone promising he will be my boyfriend. Think about it, real girls are unpredictable, they judge you. You really think Melody is going to take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game with me and we will be together forever. Ah! Stay back. Come on, Soos. Don't make me to leave you, too. What do you say? I say, game over, Giffany! No! Wait! You did it! You old, beautiful monster! You did it! How's about you and me hit the town? These old has-beens are going to Vegas! [Sighs] I'm sorry for all this. I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid. Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates. - Really? - Never date a magician. Ew! Why would I? [Chuckles] Oh, hey, you wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week? I promise there is like zero robot badgers. [Chuckles] Yeah, I'll still be in town then. Still be in town? I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks but we can video chat, if that's okay with you? A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer... sounds perfect. Spirit of love, we did it. Yes, yes, I'm so happy. Have you been following us all day? Soos's life is my soap opera. ♪ Cash money ♪ ♪ in the car with honey ♪ ♪ travel way too fast, I got money in my glass ♪ ♪ cash money ♪ ♪ grab a bank ♪ ♪ you can't stop the party ♪ ♪ cash money ♪ ♪ we're old but we're awesome ♪ ♪ we're gonna get married ♪ ♪ it's a great idea ♪ ♪ who are you to judge? ♪ ♪ This was a mistake, what... ♪ So how is this guy? Nice guy or is he going to be trouble? He's a real sweetheart, Manny. Just like you. Who the fuck are you, huh? You got my clothes? Where's my clothes, huh? You got my clothes? Where is this? Is this some kind of joke? Don't keep that door locked. You guys are lucky I didn't break that door down. Okay listen, I didn't do anything to that girl. That was my friend, he was stupid and I didn't touch her. so I don't know why the fuck I'm here, okay? Wherever the fuck here is. Where-- where am I? Emilio Manrique, you are in south Miami Mental Hospital and I am here to help you out. Mental hospital? I'm not crazy. I'm not the-- will you keep me here forever with the crazy people? I'm not the one that's crazy, okay? Don't look at me like that! Because I'm fine! Okay, I'm fine! Look at me- - I'm fine. I'm not- - I'm not crazy, okay? And I'm a good person. You've got to believe me, what I tell you, - I'm fine! - Go ahead. - I've never felt better. - Go ahead. That's it, go ahead. I'm here to help. Go ahead and let it all out. Don't fucking tell me to let it all out! Because I will! I'll fucking sacrifice it all. Ahh! - Don't you-- hey! - Hold it. Ah! You motherfuckers! Fuck you! Fuck you! No! My name's Emilio. This is where my story begins. I was born and raised in Miami, the city that's known for its tropical beaches, clear blue skies-- the playground for the rich and famous. You know, all that stuff you see on TV. Well, I'm not from around there. I'm from that part of Miami that nobody even knows exists. Hey, be careful. Don't break Beto's house. Yeah, right, I'm a millionaire. Nigga, you so broke you can't even afford to pay attention. Come on, serge. Do I have to do it? You lost, E. You know the rules. Damn, it's hot as hell today, you know? I need some water. I'm fuckin' dehydrating over here. That's 'cause you're 50 lbs overweight. - Hurry up, E. Let's do this. - How does paper beat rock? Am I the first person to think about that? I mean, scissors beats paper, 'cause you can just cut the paper. But paper doesn't beat rock 'cause you can't cut a rock. What you mean you can't cut a rock? Your mama be doing that every night. E, if you're scared, I'll do it. I ain't scared of shit! Then let's do this. Almost ready, mi amor. Mama, you don't have to cook me breakfast every morning. Mi amor, it's the most important meal of the day. Okay? I want to make sure that you start your day off right. You're not eating? sit down. I know. I don't eat breakfast. I don't have time. Yeah, did they turn the water off in her apartment again? I don't know. Mami, don't give her any more money. Mami, mami, mami, you know what she's going to do with it. Do you want more platanos? she doesn't appreciate a goddamn thing you do for her or for Emilio. Frank, God's last name is not "damn." I'm sorry. I worry about Emilio. I do too. Oye, hey. When you're done there, can you give me a ride home? - Okay. That looks really good. - sure. Mi vida, por favor, you're getting the carpet all wet. Why don't you go and dry off in the bathroom? Relax, Daisy. It's just water. It'll dry. Okay okay! iEsta bien! God! If it's not one thing, it's the other! If not, it's something else! iMia! It's just water! My God! It's just water! so can you take me home? I got this job-interview thing. I said sure. Where's Emilio? Oh my God, the kid's in the road! Hold on, hold on, stay here. Hold on. - Oh my God! - stay here, stay here. Hey, kid, are you okay? Robert! shut up or I'll crack your skull! You're lucky to get jacked by the Jack Boys. Robert! Hey, little mama, don't worry about Robert. - What are you doing? Robert! - He's gonna be fine. - We're the Jack Boys! - You got a wallet? Let me out! Damn, bro, it's dangerous to be carrying this much money around with you. - Robert! - Hey hey, sit back. - Let-- - Don't touch me. I'm gonna hang on to this, keep it safe for you. A lot of thugs in this neighborhood. - He'll get the shit kicked out of him. - Get off my car! All right, Mr. White Man. Pleasure doing business with you. All right, little mama. Keep it nice and tight. I'll call you later. Ha ha! Robert! You know, if you want, you could stay with me - for a couple of weeks. - Frank, with you? Please. You live in a boxing gym. Thanks, pero no thank you. Boxing is all about discipline. Maybe he could use a little-- Maybe he could what? Become a boxer like you? I don't think so. I'd rather him flip burgers than become a boxer. - Boxing is a waste of time. - Okay okay okay, I understand. Besides, we can take care of him just fine, all right? "We"? Excuse me? - You just said we. - Yeah. Don't tell me Tomas is staying with you again. No. Well, he-- he just comes over once in a while, all right? We're trying to work things out. Lydia, do you realize what you're doing to your son's life? You're just jealous! You are not his father, Frank. Okay? You're just an old, lonely man. - That's what you are. - Yeah yeah, I'm jealous. You're jealous of what me and Tomas have. Yeah! Yeah, I'm jealous. You know what? You're crazy. - Oh, I'm crazy? - Yeah, you're crazy. - I'm the crazy one. - You're crazy. You're crazy. si, loca. Yeah, don't forget about what you did, okay? Okay, you have no right to judge me. Mami, I'm sorry. It's okay. Mami, mami. What about my ride? Jack boys, Jack boys, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when we come for you? Oh, you know a lot of folk got a dream - And you know I am so very mean... - Y-yeah! Oh, you know that I show my power Every day and every fuckin' hour. Yeah yeah! Hey, I think that lady liked me, you know? I could tell by the way she was looking at me. That was bad. You see how I pulled up? - Mm-hmm. - He was so scared! - Yeah. - I could have took his girl too, - right in front of him. - That's what I'm talkin' about. Whoo hoo! Wallet! Yo, how much did we make? "We"? What you mean, we? Nigga, you must be crazy. I just bought all these beers. And I'm the one that always brings the weed and shit. And I'm the one that makes sure that nothing happens to you little motherfuckers while you out here. Yo, E, it's all you, big dog. Nah, I just need some water or something. It's hot out here. Hey, I'll take it. What the hell is that? This? Take it... just in case anything happened to you. I'll show you. You just push this lever in and out when you're ready to stick someone. - Trust me. - All right, serge. You bet. What the fuck is this? You eating dog food now? Is that why your breath always smell like shit? Give me that fuckin' thing. Yo, we got company. I told you dirty Haitians, don't you come around here. - This is my bridge. - Fuck you! We go wherever the fuck we wanna go. Why don't you take your fuckin' ass back to Haiti? - I was born here, stupid ass. - Who the fuck you callin' stupid ass? You think we scared? Fuck! Do it, E! Do it! Kill him! - How was school? - Fine, Mom. - so do you have homework? - No. No? Wow. Emilio, you never have homework. - Lydia? - ? Que? Oh shit. What are you looking at? What are you, a little pervert? Don't you believe in knocking? stop it. There's no water. What do you mean, there's no water? Well, I paid the bill. I sent it. It must have gotten lost. I'll call tomorrow. Okay? ? Esta bien? What's wrong? Huh? ? Que paso--? shit! You been fighting again, Emilio? iCono! What have I told you about that, huh? - Nothing. - Nothing? ! What happened? Nada. Nothing. I cannot afford another emergency-room visit. - ? Me entiende? - Oye, Lydia. Okay, stop babying the boy, okay? What he needs is a fucking ass-whipping. All right. - I'm not talking to you. - Don't fucking yell at me. Go to the bathroom and wash up, okay? Can I go to Grandma's? You can go to Daisy's manana, okay? - Just stop it! - Why do you call her Daisy and not Mom? Because she's a better grandmother than she is a mom. Okay. Well, good night... Lydia. Good night. - Lydia! - ? Que? Get your ass in here! Boy. There you are, T. Okay. No no, boy. No, boy. It's in there, okay? Had enough, T? You've got doggie breath. Psst, T, wake up. shh shh shh. Quiet down, quiet down. shh. stay here, boy. I'll be right back. Okay? Ahh! Ah! Ah! Fuck you! Fuck you! iHijo de puta! iHijo de puta! Oh God. Get in the car. I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. I love you, mi hijo, and I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. - Tell me what happened. Frank, they're not taking my baby. Give me a minute, please. Emilio. Uncle Frank. Give me a hug. - I need you to do me a favor. - Okay. - Can you go with this gentleman? - Okay. - Frank, don't you dare. - Lydia, Lydia, Lydia-- - Frank! No! No! - Lydia, Lydia. - Lydia-- - No, you fuckin' piece of shit. You're letting them take my baby. - Lydia! - You're not his father. You have no right! Lydia, Lydia! step away from the wall. No no! I'll never forget that night. I completely lost myself. I was just trying to protect my mom. The judge didn't believe me and sentenced me to seven months in jail. I was convicted with a second-degree assault with a deadly weapon. Yep. My mom lost custody. That night changed my whole life. so how do you feel? I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like my heart is going to explode. I feel like I'm going to swallow my fuckin' tongue. I feel like thoughts are going 1,000 miles an hour. How do I feel? How do l-- I don't know, man. Can you get this thing off me, please? I can't. I'll get fired. But, uh, here you go. Oh. I knew your last name sounded familiar. You're Frank Manrique's nephew, right? Yeah. He wanted me to give you this. so are you a boxer too? Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing? You gotta be mopping. Come on. Again. You set? Okay, I want you to-- Hey, Emilio, back to work, buddy. Back to work. Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! - One more. - Enough, come on. Come on, come on, let me catch my breath. Let's go, let's go. It's the last round. It's the last round, T. It's the last round. What you got? Give me some more. Whoo! Emilio! Meet me at the ring, T. Emilio! What? You're gonna burn yourself out. Come on. Mr. T's tired. Let's go. Burn myself out? You been telling me that since I was a little kid. True. I feel good. - I look good. - All right. - All right, all right. - I feel good. I don't know what you been told - Uncle Frank... - Nice and easy. Nice and easy. You got a fight tonight. Nice and easy. Pace yourself. That's right. That's right. What time did you get in this morning? Around 5:00. Couldn't sleep again? Um, nah, man. I just want to be ready. I got energy. I want to be ready for tonight, baby. You'll never be ready, kid. Oh, Ben, what's up, man? When are you gonna start promoting me? Hey. I cannot promote anybody from jail. I don't even have that pull. - Hi. - Hi. - I'm Emilio. - I'm Kristina. - Kristina? - Mm-hmm. Oh. I heard you're sleeping here now. I'm saving money on gas. You need some money. No no no, I'm good. I'm good. Okay, Frankie. Talk to me. What's up? I need a favor. sure. You're like my brother. - It's about Emilio. - No. You just said that I'm like your brother, that just ask, that whatever I need-- - No, I can't. - Why not? Because of that. He just has a lot of energy. He's unfocused. He's all over the place. He's like a wild horse. Is that why your fighters are afraid of fighting him? I am not going to promote Emilio. I'm not asking you to promote him. Then what? You know what your problem is? What's my problem this time, Talia? You need to stop copying every boxer you know and start making your own style. Look, if you're going to do Ali's jab, at least do it right, okay? He would twist his wrists as he would make contact. Also you need to stop leading with your head, okay? You're not Arturo Gatti. He had a jaw made of granite. And you have a pretty face, so try and protect it. Anything else? Not at the moment, but I see some improvement. Tell that to your pops. Yeah, he's focused on Teddy. Hey, Talia, what are you doing here? - Dad, I'm working. - Working? - Yeah. - You need a ride home? - No. - All right. Let's go shopping then, girl. - Okay, so you got that? - Yeah. Yeah. so I was going to ask you, what are you doing Friday night? 'Cause l-- l, um-- I like your fa-- your fashion now. It changes-- I knew it. Nope. I didn't mean it. That was so dumb. What? What are you looking at? Don't do all that. Don't look at me all like that, okay? I got game. You know how I get. Come-- come on, T. You mean the big black guy with all the chains? No no no, Mr. T is my dog. He's a pit bull. I had him since I was a little kid. He's like my best friend. Damn, Manny, I trust him with my life. Why's that? Because I can relate to him. I hate how people look down at pit bulls just 'cause of the way they look. You know what I mean? I hate that shit. I want to start an organization called Peace for Pit Bulls, like, whenever I start getting money and shit. You know, helping out pits. And, uh, I just hate it that every time someone looks at a pit bull, they judge them. You know what I mean? How do you think I feel? You should start an organization: Peace for Manny. I try to keep a smile all day. And by the end of the day, my face hurts. sometimes it's hard to smile, huh, Manny? Oh, fuck. Hey, Manny, I'm not feeling so good right now again. I'm feeling a little-- I'm feeling a little shaky. What can I do for you? Can we get a TV up in here or something like that? Anything to just take my mind off this. I can make that happen. It's not that easy. You could just walk up to any bitch and hump her. It's not like that in real life-- you gotta wine and dine 'em. And then when you go up to a girl, what do you say? You know, and then you have to have pick-up lines. T, are you listening? This is human world. Do you know what I mean? You just don't walk up to girls and pick-- Hey. Hi. You come here often? It's the bus stop. Oh, yeah. - Cute dog. - Oh, yeah. What's his name? Mr. T. He's my little brother. Yeah, he's- - I'm- - I'm-- I'm the fighter. He's actually the lover. He's cute. - I'm cute? Oh, he's cute! - He's cute. - Yeah. - Yeah. Born and raised in Dade County. You know the difference between a dog and a wife? If-- if you lock up, um, your dog and your wife in a trunk and you let 'em out an hour later, guess who's happy to see you? - Is that the bus? - Yeah. Hey, there she is, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the world. Morning, Dad. Can I talk to you for a minute? You've been like a busy bee lately. What are you up to? I- - I've had a couple of meetings lately. You know, if I'm going to be a female boxing promoter, I've got to work twice as hard. Benjamin, you said you were taking me shopping today. Okay, honey, go get ready. I'd like to buy that dress I've been telling you about. It's awesome. Can I, like, talk to my dad for, like, one second? Maybe, like someday? I don't know. Okay. Dad, when are you going to get rid of her? I don't know. I like her. What about you? When are you going to get rid of him? Who? Emilio. - What? - Are you banging him? - Dad! - Eh, it's all good. He's a good-looking kid. You know I don't give you too much shit about the guys you go out with. Just don't keep him around too long, that's all. Have your fun and then move on. I'm not interested in him like that. Then what? That's what I want to talk to you about. I'm not going to promote him. I know that. so you had a meeting with Frank. Yes, I did. Great. What did he say? He said you were going to help him, try to get Emilio into Golden Gloves. - Yeah. - so what happened? The boxing commissioner wants nothing to do with him. They say maybe next year. so you're telling me one of the most well-connected boxing promoters in south Florida couldn't get him in? - sweetie, stop stop stop. - Come on. Emilio is not my priority. - I tried. - Did you? Did you really? Because, I don't know, I feel like maybe you're scared that if Emilio qualifies, he's going to take the spotlight away from Teddy. Are you comparing Teddy now with Emilio? I don't feel safe having that kid in the same ring with Teddy. He will kill him. I guess we're just going to have to find out. Because I'm promoting Emilio and I'm getting him into Golden Gloves. Love you. Can I ask you something, Grandma? Of course. Do you think God exists? Of course I do. How do you know? He gave me you. God gave me you. Huh? What? Oh my God, you sound like such a grown man. Finally! You haven't called. I've been busy. I gotta go. Call me later or something, okay? Oh, okay. I miss you, mi amor. That's all. I just want to see you. I got a fight tonight, Mom. I don't want to-- You have a fight? Can I come see you? You want to come to my fight? Yeah! I want to come see you. Okay. All right. You can come at 7:30. You gotta be there early though. I can- - I can get you a good seat if you come. Okay. Okay okay, perfect. All right, so I'll see you tonight at 7:30. Okay, 7:30. I'll be there. I promise I'll be there. I'll be the first one there. - Okay. - I love you. Be nice to your mom. Okay? she's trying. And nobody's perfect. Mr. T is. she says she's going to come to my fight. Good. Muy bien. so what do you want to eat? Huh? I have congri, tasajo, ropa vieja-- Grandma, I have a fight tonight. I can't eat. - We go over this every time. - You're too skinny. - I can't eat. - You're too skinny. You have to eat before the fight. All right, you just got to come to my fight then I'll eat whatever you want. Okay. You got it. Come on, Jimmy! Kick his ass! What the hell is wrong with your brother? The Spanish kid is pretty fast. Fuck him. Come on, Jimmy. Beat his ass. Will you please be quiet already? shut up before that old lady gets her cane and beats your ass. Come on, Jimmy! Cocky little fucker, isn't he? Damn, dude, your brother sucks. He's getting his ass beat. Thank you. shut up, lady. Come on, Jimmy! Cut him off like we talked about! Come on, Jimmy! stay on him, stay on him, stay on him! That's it, that's it, that's it. stay on him! Get back on him! All right, you made your point. This is the guy Benjamin said was supposed to knock me out in the first round? - Fight's not over. - I know, I know. Just trying to put on a good show, you know? - All right, Emilio? - Yeah. - You need to pay attention. - I got you. Listen- - Emilio? - Emilio? Emilio? - Yeah? The fight's not out there. It's in here. - All right. - You need to focus. This guy's gonna be looking for a knockout. I need you to keep your hands up, all right? - Yeah. You got it. - Keep your hands up. - What did I just say? - You said win the fight! - Win the fight, win the fight. - I said keep-- Let's go! You got it. That's it, that's it, that's it. Yeah. Come on, Jimmy! Come on, Jimmy! That was a good fight, man. Not really, dude. Whatever. I really don't care. All good. Damn. Those are some nice shoes, man. How much you pay for those? I don't know, dude. My sponsors pay for everything for me and my brother. sponsors? Well, I'll catch you later. All right. Hey, what happened? I don't know. I'm sorry. Why didn't you stick to the game plan we talked about? - Dude, I tried. - Don't call me dude. Hey, good fight. Thank you. Yeah. I'm Teddy. I'm Jimmy's bigger, faster, stronger brother. Okay. I'm- - I'm Emilio. Yeah. It was a good fight. No. No, it wasn't. Yo, back up, man. - Hey! - Bro, bro, come on. Let's get out of here. Let's go home. Come on. Grandma, we're playing around. Come on. sinverguenza. What? I brought you these. I'm allergic to flowers, remember? Oh yeah, that's right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't make it to your fight last night. I really tried. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. I did, papito. I tried. Can I come in? You can you give these to your grandma. Where is she? Where do you think she's at? Working. Yeah, working. she got two jobs. Doctor says she can't do it, but you know how she is- hard-headed. - Mmm. Runs in the family. Yeah. I've been doing really good. I'm not drinking... that much. You know, when I get nervous, I have a beer. But-- oh yeah, l- - I got a job. - You got a job? - Yeah. I had one. I got fired for being late 30 minutes. The guy was really stupid. It wasn't even my fault. Wow. It's never your fault. How is it ever your fault? It's always somebody else. You know that? You know you can't hold a job for more than two months. You're 40 years old. What do you want from me? Great to see you too. - Don't do all that. - No no no no! It's fine. It's fine. Look, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I am not perfect like your grandmother. There we go. You're gonna start that? Like your Tito-- like your perfect uncle. I'm not going to bother you anymore, okay? - Good. - No no, I'm not. I'm not going to bother you anymore. But you know what? No matter how much you hate me, I am still your mother. - What? ! - Oh! Wo-- wow. Is that the way everybody answers their door in your neighborhood? No, I thought you were someone-- I thought you were somebody else. Yeah. Who was that woman that just came out of here? Uh, it was a Jehovah Witness. Oh. - so you-- - I wanted to- sorry, you go first. - Um... okay, I just-- I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out or something. Okay. I mean, 'cause I was bored and I thought-- Oh no, I'm- - I'm always bored. You know. My uncle said that I can't go to the boxing gym, 'cause he's going to beat me with a broomstick. You know, I'm down to do whatever you want to do. Whatever I want to do? Okay, go get ready. All right. I'm gonna go put on a condom real quick-- I'm- - I'm gonna go put on a shirt real quick. I meant- - I meant to say shirt. - You're crazy. You know that? - Yeah. Um, I'll meet you in the car. I'll see you there. Um, okay. God. God. What does this do? Oh, that one just turns-- oh no, turn it off. Okay, close that. Why do you always carry a backpack around? stop. What about this one? That one actually warms your butt. Yeah right. Can you imagine if they made a car that could warm up your butt? Oh my God, you're not kidding. I know. - I feel kind of violated. - You should. It's like a spaceship in here. We should go to the moon. You know, I was thinking something a little bit more challenging. This feels kind of weird. What does? Um, the whole heated car seat. Oh, hold on-- okay here. It actually cools the whole seat down. Feels good? Yeah. Okay okay, I hear you. I hear you. Uh, hello? - Hello? - Mami, mami, oye, how many times you gonna say hello? M'ijo, how are you? Good good. Oye, I'm calling you 'cause Emilio and I are gonna go have dinner to celebrate his win and I want to know if you want to come with us. Uh, I would love to, but I have to work until late tonight. Maybe next week we can all go, eh? I thought today was your day off? It is, at my other job. What? You got two jobs, mami? Frankie, you know, I don't want to talk about this right now. I don't have the time to have an argument-- Vieja, remember, the doctor said that you shouldn't-- Frankie, I gotta go, okay? Bye bye, I love you. I love you too. so where are we going? We are actually going shopping. - shopping? - Yeah. I want to get you an outfit for tonight. - Tonight? - It's nothing. It's just a small party I put together. Okay. Trust me. You're going to have fun, Emilio. I'm having fun. Okay. Excellent, yes. I'm DJ scottie C with Dream Team Entertainment. And I've just been informed that our queen of the evening has arrived. so please put your hands together as she makes her way on up to the stage-- the beautiful, the talented, the absolutely lovely and always timely Miss Talia Portillo. Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out here. Most of you know me as Benjamin Portillo's daughter, the head of Portillo Promotions. But tonight I'm happy to announce the formation of a new promotional boxing company headed by its first female boxing promoter. Whoo! Thank you. Um, T Promotions is happy to announce its first fighter- - Emilio Manrique. Come on up here. Everybody give him a round of applause. Come on, everybody. - Come on! - Emilio! - Yeah! - speech! - Yeah! - Come on, Emilio. What are we doing? You needed a boxing promoter, so I got you one. - Yeah. - I'm gonna promote you. Yeah, I thought that we were on a-- - What's-- - I have to go. Wait, Emilio-- Where are you going? I'm sorry, everybody. Emilio is a little bit shy. Have fun. Enjoy. Thank you so much for coming out here. scottie, keep it going. Have fun! No more of that awkward moment. Let's dance, everybody. Emilio, what's wrong? You told me this was a small party. This is insane, okay? What's going on? It was supposed to be a surprise, okay? - I'm putting all my money on you. - Oh, money! Money-- there it is. Money? This was about money? 'Cause I don't have any and I can't pay you back. stop. I don't want you to pay me back, okay? - What's wrong with you? - I'm not your dancing little monkey. Okay? I'm not. Go ahead, be straight up. What do you want from me? Nothing. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before about the party. I thought you would be excited. I don't feel good in these kind of places with these kind of people. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to it. That's it. Well, you're just going to have to start getting used to it. 'Cause you're with T Promotions now. - Ready to dance? - Mm-hmm. You sure? You been training? Have I been training? Are you sure about that? Are you gonna be ready? so who's your inspiration? Do you fight for the Golden Gloves? I want to, yeah. I want to fight for the Golden Gloves. - How many days a week do you train? - Where are you training? Um, I train at Frank's Boxing Gym. That's my uncle. Oh, Frank's! Yeah. We're trying to get him into Golden Gloves. But you know what? Let's not talk about business. - Let's have fun. - Okay. - We'll go back you up. - Oh, thank you. Hey, looking good, you two. Purple and purple like a couple of bruises. - How you doin'? - Teddy. Great to finally get to meet you. I saw you fight last year at Golden Glove. Thank you very much. How you doin'? You gonna take it again this year or what? Oh, definitely. There's no competition. - Cheers, guys. - Good luck. so, Talia, you want to jump head first into the boxing world and this is who you're banking your future on? Teddy, what is your problem? I don't like him hanging around you 'cause I don't trust the piece of shit, okay? - Damn it-- - Hey hey hey! - stop! Emilio, stop. - sorry, Teddy. Bobby, he didn't do anything. No, stop. Emilio, just wait for me outside, please. You're such an asshole! And what are you doing here? Where's my dad? He went out of town for a meeting. I'm chaperone, making sure Teddy stays out of trouble. Who's going to make sure he stays out of you? Huh? I don't get you, Talia. You didn't have to go through all this trouble if all you want to do if fuck a piece of Miami street trash. shh shh shh. Calm down. shh. I'd be careful if I were you. I don't want to have to tell my promoter that his daughter just gave his future meal ticket a fat lip. Off you go. - You okay? - Yeah. Oh, man. I- - I watch a lot of this with my grandma. It's kind of awkward when the girls get naked. - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Your grandma sounds cool. My mom used to love these, man. she'd watch them all the time. My mom is kind of the opposite. she's-- she's the one that should be up in here. I think the reason why I'm in here is 'cause of her. You know, she-- she has these mood swings and she can go from zero to 100. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, you know, that's most of the female population. You know what I mean? she's still-- that's the one that gave you life, man. That's Mom. You know, when we hold on to stuff that we have nothing to do with-- you know, it's like you can't choose your parents. You hold on to stuff, it doesn't hurt anybody but you. - It doesn't work. - But, Manny, it's still affecting me right now. That's the issue. - Oh yeah, no no, I understand. - You know what I mean? Yeah, I understand. But it's kind of like, "What can I do about it right now?" You know, hey, so you-- you just gotta, like, take it with a grain of salt. Move on. Where were you last night? You left me hanging. - Last night? - Yeah. What happened last night? shit. I forgot. I'm sorry. Yeah. This is for you. What you got over here, man? What you got? Ooh! - Thank you. - No no no. Don't thank me. I didn't get you that shit. - Grandma? - No. - My mom? - Don't make a big deal about it. Just say thank you when you see her. You see, moments like this makes me feel that I can accomplish anything. My dream has been to move to California just like my uncle did, fight the best fighters from all over the world. These shoes make me feel like I'm floating on the air. They make me feel stronger, faster. I love my mom. Or at least I try to. I try to enjoy these times. Is that you? Hey! Aah! Ahhh! Mi amor, I missed you so much. Look at you. Wow. Wow, let me see. Let me see. My God. Wow, baby, you're not a baby anymore. Uh, yeah, is everything okay? si, mira, everything's good. - Yeah. - Yeah. Do I look good? Okay, I'm gonna serve you. Ahem. Ahem. Your favorite. I like the shoes you got me. They look really good. - Yeah? - showing them off to everyone. That's awesome! Que bueno. I saved up for them. I saw them, I'm like, "Those are for my baby." I knew you were going to love them. Hello? Yes. What? Yes, that's-- that's me. What-- okay. Okay, what-- what room is she in? What-- what room? 471 2. 47-- Okay. Okay, thank you. Excuse me, 471 2? Down the hall, on the left. He said "left," right? Yeah, I think so. Let's go, guys. We gotta go. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I just had a minor setback, so... sure. You know what? Let me call you back. Hi, I'm Angela. I don't believe we've met. - Frank. - Nice to meet you, Frank. You must be Emilio. Your grandmother has told me an awful lot about you. - You're the baseball player. - Mom, who are these people? You know what, guys? Go grab some candy over there, would you? I'll be right back. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, but she's going to be just fine. What happened to her? she fainted when she was playing with the kids. We're just packaging up the 50 keys that we're shipping down to Palo Alto. Cool. Hey, you want to grab some lunch later? Sure. Yeah, I thought we'd go to that Mexican place that Remo's always talking about... You know, talk shop. Yeah, yeah. What time do you want us to meet you there? "Us"? Yeah, me and Remo. Oh, no. No, Remo can't go. Those duffels of cash got to make it up to Checco's. He's making a delivery for me. You got a problem? No, no, I just kind of... just a bit psyched for some Mexican. Well, maybe Dylan will bring you some leftovers. You said you, uh, come out here at night? - Mm-hmm. - Isn't it kind of scary? - [Scoffs] - Well, I mean, you know, a girl out here by herself. What, I'm gonna have an altercation with a ground squirrel? No, you're just, uh, so alone out here. You don't avoid things just because you're scared of them. [Chuckles] [Bottle opens] You heard my dad yelling? Uh-huh. I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm almost 18. I can leave soon. You're lucky you have such a good relationship with your mom. Hey. You remember when I said I could be a really nice guy, Zane? You remember that? Till I break you? Get up. That's the warm-up, Zane. When you least expect it, I'm gonna show up, and I'm gonna bury you and your little business in the ground. And now you know I'm a man of my word, right, Zane? [Breathing heavily] Just between you and me, I've been thinking of hitchhiking down the pacific coast of Mexico. Wouldn't that be cool? [Chuckles] I've never met a girl like you. Like what? Uh, you're just so, um... [Chuckles] I don't know. I guess I feel safe with you. That's a weird thing for a guy to say, isn't it? No, it's nice, actually. Can I tell you something... Something I've never told anyone? Sure. When you found me in the coffee shop, that... that wasn't the first time. The blackout? How many times has that happened? I don't know... mm, a couple? You know, it's like I get upset or stressed or something, and then I don't remember. At least you can get lost in your own head. I've got to come all the way out here to do it. Come on, I want to show you something. Yo, wait up! Cody? - Right here, dude! - Aah! - [Laughs] - You're just plain mean. You didn't know that? Check it out. Now we go up. Just follow me. [Grunts] You can use that board as a step. Aah! You're all right. You're fine. Just hang on. Pull yourself up. Grab up higher on the rope. [Grunting] [Laughs] Oh, boy, that was, uh... [Both laugh] The rope is sketchy, but... then again, I don't want anybody else ever coming up here. [Chuckles] Excuse me. I'm Norma Bates of the Bates Motel. I'd like to deliver this to all the members of the city council... Especially Mr. Lee Berman. Tell him Norma Bates said hello. It was really hard to find this address. I'm glad you did. Wow. You look beautiful. I was checking out the real-estate last time I was up here. - You're moving here? - I'd like to... Someday. I need a ton of money first, though. Well, if you want to make money, you're in the right business. Yeah. It'll take a while, though. I'd like to get my own little piece of property up in the hills, you know, grow my own crop. You mean weed, right? We're talking weed, not corn. - Yes, weed. - [Chuckles] So you want your own little weed farm to call your own? - Something like that. - That's nice. You can have that dream... your own little weed farm. This is America. - Are you gonna kiss me now? - Yeah. Yeah, I think so. What the hell happened to you? I had to kick the shit out of somebody. - W-where are my clothes? - Your clothes? You mean the ones you left in a heap all over your room? Yeah, yeah, those clothes. They're upstairs. I washed them. You're sticking your hand in an ice bucket? - Have you cleaned that cut? - Okay, I don't remember asking you to take care of my laundry. Sorry. Next time I'll leave them on the floor. Well, isn't that what happens at most motels? The motel owner doesn't come into your room and pick up your clothes - and do your laundry for you. - I know you. - How does that matter? - Of course it matters. Come upstairs. It's gonna get infected. No, I'm not... it's fine. It's not fine. It's dirty, and you need to clean it up. So why exactly did you need to beat up someone? Let's just say I had my reasons. Don't you ever get tired of being so stoic? Seriously, you never want to talk about anything. It's a little boring. So is being dead. You learn not to shoot your mouth off in this business. Okay, tough guy, whatever. I get it. Sometimes it just feels good to whale on someone. I whacked the shit out of the real-estate agent who sold me this house when I found out that I-I couldn't unload it. I did it with my purse. It felt great. - Oh, my God. - What? You smiled. I thought your face was paralyzed. Uh-huh. I'm pretty sure I didn't smile. - God, you're contrary. - Oh, and you're not? Well, I'm working on it. You know, I'm making friends, trying to be more social. I met this guy recently. I wonder if you know who he is... Nick Ford. Where'd you meet him? At a party at Christine and Peter Helden's house. Why? What's wrong? Nick Ford's in the drug business. You're not involved with him somehow, are you? No. No, I'm not involved in anything at all. I'm just wondering if you know who he is. You want my advice? Stay away from him at all costs. Okay. There's your laundry. - Yeah, don't ever do it again. - You're welcome. [Man speaking Spanish on radio] Hello there. It's Norman, and I will call you back. [Beep] [Door opens] [Grunts] - What the hell happened to you? - Romero. - He did that to you? - Hey... I hired a guy to torch the dude's house. So what do you expect? But it was worth every minute of it. [Glass clinks] I see you started without me. Hey! Can I get a damn beer? So we roll back to his place, right? Me, him, and three German girls. I mean, he's got this insane house overlooking all of Hollywood with a vodka tasting room. - You know what that is? - No. Hmm. It's an all-glass freezer room that he keeps at 28 degrees, and it's just stocked with bottles of every... - [Tires squealing] - Premium vodka around the world. And we go inside... [gunshots] [Engine roars] [Tires squealing] [Tires squealing] [Engine roars] Norman. Norman, I need to talk to you. I don't know where you've been, and I'm not gonna give you the third degree. I'm not gonna be that mother. I raised you to make good choices, and I'm gonna assume that you will, but I will tell you one thing. Okay. That girl is not a good choice. She's rude. She's disrespectful to adults. I mean, not to be prejudiced, but she smokes and has tattoos, which I could live with if she was decent, but she's not. She's really not like that, mother. She's a nice girl. I think she just gets uncomfortable around parents. Norman, women can be tricky. And you have such a good heart. There's girls like her, girls that have no future. They're just raised like a weed. They're just trapped in some unbearable circumstance that they can't get out of. I'm... I'm just saying, that's the kind of girl that can get you into trouble, hmm? You know, talk you into things, get pregnant. Next thing you know, your life is over. I-I didn't make the world the way it is. There are people who can help you and people who can hurt you, and you gotta pick the right people. That girl Cody is not the right people. I really don't want you seeing her anymore, Norman. I have to see her at tech. The play's in a few weeks. Then we'll be done. Okay, fine. Finish the play. You made a commitment. But I don't want you spending time with her outside of there, okay? Okay, mother. Okay. * You're everything that I see * * I want your hot love * * And emotion endlessly * * I can't get over you * - * You left your mark on me * - Is that gonna be okay? We're not going underwater, are we? [Both chuckle] Not that I can think of. * 'Cause you're a good girl, and you know it * * You act so different around me * * 'Cause you're a good girl, and you know it * * I know exactly who you could be * * Just hold on, we're going home * Second thought... maybe keep it close. - [Laughs] - * Just hold on... * [Groans] [Sighs] What's the matter? - You didn't hear the news? - No, what news? Lee Berman, from the city council, was in a car accident tonight. His car crashed off Summit Vista Road and then went all the way down into the Ravine. He's dead. You're awake. I heard you just saved my brother's life. We're gonna take care of all this... Expenses... Get you back on your feet. I don't want you worrying about any of it, okay? I just wanted to meet the famous Dylan Massett. Who are you? I'm your boss. There was once a king and a queen which had a cute little daughter. He asked all the fairies in the kingdom Olivetta come and bless the child. But unfortunately they forgot to invite one of them. It seems silly if we do not have a name when we announce it. Behold, the kingdom will rise as the dawn of her. Perfect. Then she called such. Finally. An heir to my kingdom. She must wear our desires and dreams for the future. - You have made me very happy. - As you have done to me, my dear. But she will have your courage and your kindness. And she wants your beauty and stubbornness... A great moment for Olivetta. Nothing can ruin this day. Lords, ladies and sorceresses from the Three Kingdoms. Olivettas beautiful people. We have invited you here To celebrate this great kingdom descent. Step forward and bid our first-born heir welcome. Princess... Dawn. Do you find true love, forever. Your heart must always lead you to the truth. Do happiness and love guide you through life. What is this? A party I'm not invited? Queen Violet, King David I am disappointed by your exclusion. Queen Tambria, we meant no harm. We sent through the country on our child's birth. - I heard nothing. - Maybe because you live out of reach. My home is where you sent me for, in the corner of your kingdom. Let me remind you of something Queen Tambria. When your kingdom fell, we were friendly and gave you a refuge. I'm only here to grant the child a gift. You have our permission. Dear, sweet, beautiful child. My gift to you is this. On your 16th birthday you stab you in a ten. And as payment for your parents insult you die. You evil, rotten soul. A pronounced curse can not be deleted. So I enchants her grace. Until a prince comes to her with pure heart. Should she sleep soundly, for sand love her passionately kissing. Kingdom must also sleep with this kiss breaks the spell. Your wretched little nymph. While everyone here slumbers, I will take over the kingdom, it will be mine. Death and destruction are Your only company Tambria. What you desire, become overgrown. And your power is under the throne. Kill her! Stop, Tambria! We 're not done with you. But I'm done with you. Do not you know that my strength - - Is so much stronger than yours, what you will see. Now you fine for your fraud. You must remain in this kingdom as long as the curse applies. I will no longer let me bragging, and you shall rot in hell. In order to prevent the evil curse was sand - - The king commanded that all networks should be burned - - Until there was not a single Back in the Kingdom Olivetta. - Mom, will you make me a winter jacket? - You know, you do not have to ask about that. The king had also building a wall around the castle - - And the princess was locked up As a precaution - - In efeutarnet until her 15 years later Come in. Mother! - My dear girl, you are so happy. - I'm sorry, but I turns 16 soon. And I'm looking to get out. Will it be a big party tonight? - Yes. - If everyone in the kingdom to be there? - Of course. - Boy, which comes with bread every day? - Tell him. - I see him from my window. - Has he seen you? - He's great. - Is he? - I might meet him someday? Yes, maybe. While you study further. - No one likes an ignorant princess. - No, Mom. - There is much to prepare. - I can hardly wait. You are so keen. Dawn... you are the most precious, I have in this world. I promise that when the moon rises tonight and you do not have stabbed you - - Then we celebrate. It is said that only true love can break the curse. But I can only hope the curse takes place. This target must fly to my prince. And when the moon finally stop up up at Dawn's 16th birthday - - And broke the curse it was celebrated throughout the kingdom. - Are you ready, baby? Your party is waiting. - I'm a little scared. Do not be afraid. They will love you as we do. I can not believe it. I've been waiting whole life, and now I'm free. Yes, it's you. You never have to wait again. May I dance with the princess? - Can I dance? - Ask your mother. Of course, you have our permission. - Do you know this boy? - No, my king. - He may be one of the knight's men. - Yeah, maybe. I have a gift for you. Do you? It was very friendly. Not here. Come with me. It's very long ago I've seen the sky above me. - The I realized now. - What? I've never seen the sky above me. It is very beautiful. - It is not the only beautiful. - My gift? It may not be suitable for a princess as beautiful as you. But I've been working on it for long. Go ahead, open it. I've never seen anything like it. How did you make something so beautiful? - You promise that you will not talk? - Of course. How can I betray it which gives me such a beautiful gift? I made it with this. - What is it? - It's a ten. But you should of course not touch it. - Have you seen Dawn? - She's doing fine. We are past the full moon. The curse is over. - Add me. One last time. - For you, my love. Of course. Do not touch the spindle. Why not? The stupid curse ended. I am 16 years old. Let me see! It is harmless. Oh no... Stupid little girl. I mean, you should not have touched the spindle. Impatient youth. Do not you know that pronounced the curse can not be broken? Your impatience and impulsiveness has not benefited you. And as for your dear mother and Dad... I hope they sleep well at night. Oh no. This can not be true. My dear king and queen. Your child fast asleep. - Get away from her! - And so do you soon. It is shown the full moon. In a few days fills Dawn 16 years. Unfortunately I have to conjure it unavoidable. But I want my kingdom. Now I want to reign in the for many years. Morte! Away with the miserable little nymph! A thousand curses upon you fairies. Cursing and modformlen was now fulfilled - - And the whole Olivetta decreased in a deep, deep sleep. And the evil Tambria was left alone to rule over a sleeping kingdom. 100 years later in the Kingdom Lipscomb I only inherit the kingdom after my father, if I have a wife and get an heir. You! Come here. - Prince Jayson has defied the king. - Again. I did not learn the lesson this morning. Oops. Take the prince's punishment you rotten dog. Again. Stop! Beat him like an old woman. To do this. He must be taught a lesson. I'll take the punishment, but not from you. Your Highness, a future king must not distribute its own punishment. Good. Then Gruner do it. Beat him as if you were me. Enough! Enough. Barrow, you can go. Also you learn. Vin, I want wine. One of you, get wine! If you are reading this know that a network of ivy will grow. Up the mine walls and my spire only with a kiss it disappears. Barrow, you 're up early. What have you got there? I found these notes in the nest. See, it forms a map. - Yes, indeed. - Who do you think wrote it? It can only be one. This must be Sleeping Beauty words. Who is it? When Princess Dawn of Olivetta was born a witch cursed her. She would stick his finger and die before she was 16 years old. Good fairies enchanted her too - - So instead of dying she fell into a deep sleep. Can not wake her? According to legend, fell country residents of the same deep sleep. No one has gone to the rich and flipped back. It is a very bad place. - According to legend. - Where is this kingdom? Not far from here. Just behind the mountains. All in Lipscomb know the legend. People say that spells just for kids. She seems very sad. Barrow, the prince wants your services. - What is this? - Nothing. It's just... - A kind of map? - Just a pastime. - I do not have enough to do. - It has taken much of your time. - This script... What does it mean? - Just daydreaming. Do not worry about it. I need to know if I'll take care of something or not. I'll leave you alone for two seconds and you rush around like little boys. - What is this? - Just something I found. Something you found? Teacher, what does it say? My sleep ends when a prince kisses my lips. The curse stops, and my kingdom is transferred to that prince. - What does it mean? - That means, your grace to Sleeping Beauty, Princess Dawn - Wake up, and the prince, who gives her love's kiss, make her rich. A kingdom. My very own? Get out! It's not that easy. There is evil. Those who go there, will not be returning home. The castle's dark queen ruler of the dark forces - - Guarding the sleeping princess and the castle's treasures. You talking to me about kingdoms and tax, and believe that I, a prince 'll Take care of an old lady and her unseen force? Do you think we can take the kingdom I can be my own king? Anything is possible, Your Honor. - Gruner! - Your Honor. Get the horses. We have to get me a kingdom. - Barrow. You take also. - He's just your punish boy. - How could he help you? - You dare to question me? - No, Your Honor. - Good. You must also. - Barrow, which is the way into the kingdom? - I have to look at my card. It says here that the evil queen built a wall around the castle. The evil queen again. A wall we climb above. You climb well well? We'll take just the castle. If the legend is true, all sleep. That makes sense, brother. It says that we are in great danger if we approach the castle. You go back, boy! How do we get across? What does this map work? It says nothing. - Look! A boat. - It was weird. Get started. - It's too easy. - Come, Gruner. Do not be a sissy. Are you afraid of getting wet feet Gruner? - He's afraid of both. - And for water. As they smell, they view all afraid of water. - Come on! Come on. - Come on, old man. Ro. - What was that? - Now we have launched them. - Did you see that? - I did. - We went safely on the ground. - We should calm faster. - There it is! - It's just a fish! Help! Quiet, quiet! Ro! Out of the boat! In addition, people! I told you it was not safe. We can not turn back. So, what happened to Fredrick? Did you see that? - You did this! - Nonsense! I said it was not safe. - I should have listened to Gruner. - Your Honor, which way now? Their... mercy! Barrow? Follow me. You should not look, you point. Follow me. We continue. What was that creature? You do not think that we continue? - Fredrick is dead. - Part of the curse. What, Gruner? How do you know about the curse? Why did not you say something? My grandfather was a knight, he told it to my father who told me. Within Olivettas walls are the dead while the living sleeping. There is a curse throughout the kingdom. - Why did not you tell... - I thought you did not care. - What does he mean? - That we all go to our own death. We're looking for a way into. - I do not want such a kingdom. - Quiet. No one asked you. Your Honor... the castle is surrounded by a kind of force. - We can not get into. - I've never seen anything like it. It does not. This is Tambrias magic. Another warning. - We should rest here, Your Honor. - We rest when I'm inside my castle. Look, there's nothing on the walls. What is it? Something unholy. Over time, many royal sons and tried to get through. But they were caught. And there they died What a pitiful death. Look up there. An open window. Well, Your Honor, we go up there? It would be wise let the men rest. - We will camp here tonight. - Good. We keep watch. Before that, we should let Barrow try it for us. See if you can get up and down without being hit by... what was it? Yeah, a miserable death. As you wish. You! This is a very bad place. Perhaps we should turn back. Turn back? Across the lake? We camp. I would not be here. There must be another way. Little brother, we 're fine. The worst is over. In this castle are unknown riches and treasures. - And when we 're inside, it's all ours. - Or we die. What did your female poet? The wall is high and you will die? It does not look so bad. As to climb a wall at home. A little further, Barrow. - What do you see? - There is only an empty room. Go. Make the rope. Tomorrow we all support. No miserable death today. Okay. Look up! Are you a girl or a boy? I do not know what you think you are, but I'm Newt. These men are thieves and rape men, you should not be here. I can say the same. It is not a place for full and cads. - This is a dangerous place. - We have discovered. What are you doing here? Are you on the run, or a thief? I was sold to an ugly king. Was starved, kicked, went to the dogs. - One day I ran away. - How did you get here? I climbed in two days now I can not get out. - We took the lake. - You do not understand. The living entering in Olivetta, does not come out. You're not safe here. Stick with us. Large, violent drunks on earth? No thanks. What was that noise? I think the kingdom said that we are not welcome. I will not tolerate the audacity in my ranks. Get food for the men. And when it gets light, the prince will see if there is an easier way into. Move! Barrow. Yes? The treasure in the castle must be great. It's very difficult. - According to legend, she is very beautiful. - I'm talking about the real treasure. Not princess Day or whatever her name is. Dawn, Your Honor. Their future princess named Dawn. I know. Correct me. What more do you know about her? She is a wonderful writer. Great handwriting. Many say that she is one of the brightest in all three realms. It is enough. When she gave birth to me a few heirs she has no time for such nonsense. Of course, your grace. Men! Wake up! Move it! Let's ensure the area. Then we conquer my fortress. We have visitors. Open the gates to their credit. They may greet some the king and queen family. Their kingdom is huge, your grace. Well, Barrow. How huge is my kingdom? It is not, Your Honor. - It's probably bigger than Lipscomb? - I think so. - What does it say about this bridge? - There is not on the map. It may be a trap. I do not need a teacher's sense when I will be king. Yes, Your Majesty. Their grace? They are wasting our time. Barrow, there are things I must explain to you. Only then you will really all you can be. There's more... - What is it? - The undead, your grace! They go! Run! Run! Run! Run! Come on! This way! Earlin, I will not let you. We have to run! Come on! - I'll be fine. I'm hiding. - I'm not leaving you! We must away! To the wall! - You first. - No, you. - I'll go first. - Wilhelm! Jacob! Protect your future king. Lock, cowards. - Hold it. We must save Earlin! - He's gone. Against the wall. Now! Do not look down. - What are the creatures? - The dead, Your Honor. It's the curse. This is your fault! You showed us the bridge, you read that card. So... What do we do now? The whole place is sealed. It is impermeable. The upper floor is completely blocked. The undead are downstairs. If we open them becomes our destiny is the same. The only way out is the one we entered. We need to distract them. Pull me up! Up! They reached the castle walls. You know those people, Dawn? - We should have done this before, brother. - And you say! Your Honor, what do we do with him? Leave him alone. He can cover us from below. Help! Pull me up! - What are you doing here? - I told you to stay away from here. What do I do with those? The use of tunnels and passageways. But you will not enter the castle. - Where are they? - Right over your head. Okay. Thank you. You should not thank me, because I show you the way to your death. Where are you going? Are not you coming? I do not trust the men. They are the heartless. They are being slaughtered. - They are soldiers. Do not worry about them. - But this is Tambrias rich. - Do you know her? - You know her. - We can not stay here. - Where should we go? We do not card. Barrow has it. Gruner. Get him. - Let me help you up. - I have a way into. Notify prince. What's the bird? Are they on the castle walls? You were lucky that we saved you, Barrow. Did you hear something? I do not like it here, brother. Men! Gather round! Stay together! - We are surrounded! - Back. Ram them under the hood! Good work, men. Is everyone all right? Well done. Go, Barrow. Now we plunder our treasure. And claim my kingdom. Barrow came. Come with us. Well, if they think they can kill some of my pet - - So I have to use something stronger. Be careful steps men. Be careful. This queen looks to think of the dead decorations. - Barrow, what do you know about this? - I expect more undead. Gruner. Take this. It's true. All the stories are true. Then we go, bitch. Do you want to dance? You dance like a dog. Okay. - This'll only hurt for a moment. - Back, brother. Wilhelm does it best. - Leave her alone. - Beware. When we have killed the witch and I kissed the princess - - You can get all the girls want. Get going. - My prince, it's your baby. - Our prey waiting. A trap. Why should Tambria let the treasure unguarded? We have not seen Tambria yet. Only her monsters and undead. Gruner! - She is behind the evil, your grace. - I know. Let me go first. This is my kingdom. Barrow. Go in and get my baby. Be careful Barrow. - Hurry, Barrow, get my baby. - Maybe we should take the castle first. - And save tax later. - I do not have time... He's right, Your Honor. The tax would weigh on us. - Why not ensure the castle... - If I want to hear your opinion... So I ask for it. - Well done, Your Honor. - I pick up the treasure. Come on! Help me. What was that? - I felt something. - What? There it is again. To the stairs! Run! Wait! It took the prince. We have to go back. - It was a trap. - We die if we 're looking in the dark. - This is your fault. - You brought us here. Give me a reason that I should not kill you. I have the map! And only I can read it. If you can not read. Then you should perhaps save the prince and princess. Men, have your sword ready. We go again. Stay together. Barrow, you go first. Okay. Follow me. It was here that he disappeared. Can anyone see anything? - Clear. - There is nothing here. There is a tunnel here. He must have gone that way. - The Prince is dead. - Was your tongue. It's over. We do not follow Barrow more. - Now we go. - What would your prince say? - He's as good as dead. - I thought you were soldiers. Not peasant boys afraid of a legend. The creature is not a legend. We must away. - Scared? - No. The prince becomes angry if we go. You do not have beaten? - I'm with you. - Good. Follow along now. Do not think that this improve your position. It came from there. - One of the undead! Attack! - No. Wait! It's okay. I know her. - Who and what is that? - Now you are in even bigger trouble. It is Newt. One of the other living creatures in these corridors. The monster made ? up of all Tambrias evil. I know that I'm here now. I have no chance to get out of here alive. If you do not go now. Leaves your friend and flees. We can not. Only the prince may rescue the princess. The prince again. Do you think the monster think of who he eats? - He does not care. Save yourselves. - We can not. May heaven be with you. In 're not getting out of this alive. Where did she go? Quickly! My grandfather told many stories of those matches. First row, stand firm! Stand firm! I... I... I'm all right. Jacob... Do you remember when we were little? I teased you always so much... - It killed my brother. - Let him go. We continue. You sit on a king's throne. And I just covered up to a great party for a great guest. Prince of Lipscomb. I knew your grandfather. I remember him clearly. A brutal man but not very affectionate. It's probably been passed down in your lineage. He rejected me when my kingdom were wiped out. Have you thought about what it's like to get a rich wiped out? They cut the throats of my husband like a pig. And then they burned my children live before my eyes. I wonder what Lipscombs current king would think - - If I sent his son head back? On a stick. I regret if he despised you. I regret if he despised you. I'm not like my father. Or his father before him. You saw what happened back there. We can not survive here. Prince is the only one that can break the curse. - It is doubtful whether he is alive. - Yes. You can stay here and be a coward, or we can go ahead and fight. - You decide. - I would rather that my brother was alive I am sorry for your loss. But do not let Your brother's death be in vain. Come on. Jacob. Fight on. - You fight well, punish boy. - Also you know of a thief to be. Well done. My life passed before past my eyes. - The undead also use the tunnels. - I will not be inside the castle more. You can stay here, but I go that route. - Which way? - We'd better split up. - I'll go with you. - No. Stay with Jacob. - Good luck. - Yes. Gruner! Burn in hell! Newt was right. - I'll never live here. - I was thinking the same thing. - What happened? - A cursed journey from the start. What do we do now? Thank you. It's my pleasure. Here one should not think of a man's rank. You have done well. But still no release of of here alive - We're dead if we stay here. - We are already dead. Two of us from an unknown number monsters and undead. If Newt can survive so can we. It is a knight's duty to always take against a challenge from an equal. - Have an idea? - Yes, I do actually. Is this your men who tortured my minions? - I do not know. - I'll take care of it! - Your Honor. We'll save you. - Barrow. - Gruner! You are alive! - For now. We get you out. It does not matter how many In kills. There are an infinite number. I can summon endless armies if I want. For resting, and the ones located - - I ask you all now dead - - Raise you again and go on the ground. Thank you. I entered the Olivetta. I destroyed the port and relax the undead free in the Three Kingdoms. - No. - No? See for yourself. A reunion of the family. What's wrong with you? My demons will make sure all bow to me. Nowhere... and no... will be safe. Dawn? Do not hurt her. Give her to me. I'm taking her far away. You can get your kingdom but give her to me. Prince Jayson, you hear your friend He wants the princess for himself. He has never known his position in life. - What shall we do with him? - Let him be bound. - We take care of him after Dawn. - What happened to you? Bite your tongue, Barrow. Especially when you speak in front of... my queen. What about Dawn? And your quest for a kingdom? You'll never be a prince, Barrow. You are a criminal boy. And it will remain in this realm, and in the next. Why a kingdom when I can get three, with Tambria? Moreover, my father never give me his kingdom. So I do things my way. This is my way. Can we continue? And kill her. I want to see how big your loyalty. Which of your friends will you kill first? I suggest punish the boy, Barrow. - What evil has she put in the prince? - Believe me, it is his nature. - We'll never get out of here. - Not in time to save the princess. Newt? Thank you, good Lord. Do not say so. In principle, you still death. But not the princess yet. - You know the princess? - Yes, why not? - Can you take us to her? - On your death? If you will. - I think she is in this direction. - You do not know? I've never been here before. Run! Save you! - You betrayed me. - Only to save myself. - It did not look like this. - Should I sacrifice myself on my sword? - Tambria would kill me. - It sounds like a good idea. Good men have died for your honor. And now you switch sides? You 're a coward! - You betrayed Dawn! - I would never kill Dawn. - How can I trust you? - You have to. Barrow. I am sorry. There was no other way. - You still need to kiss the princess. - And kill Tambria. - I support you. - No. You must save yourself. Take this. It is my coat of arms. Go to a place where no one know you as a punishment boy. When my father captured your father's kingdom he took your birthright from you. I give it back to you. I can at least deal with it like a man. You have returned. Maybe you're more of a man than I thought. Maybe. Should I spend an eternity with someone do I know that he is at my side. You get nothing until you've killed Dawn. My army conquers the country, but I can not enjoy it, I'm stuck here. You must kill her for me. - Oh, she's... - Beautiful. Would you say that? She must also be very dead. - Of course. I realized just can not... - No more nonsense. - You must kill her. - Why me? I have tried to kill her thousand times. But I stopped. It's part of the little fes curse. See, how nice. You try to wake her with a kiss but it can only renhjertet Prince. - Wake up. - And that's clearly what you are for. Oh, it's so hard to try to be a man. And you were so close. - You'll never get away with this. - How do you know what I can do? Get the bald. I would play with his head. Newt? Are you alive? Of course. I will take you to the princess. Come on. Killer you princess get your own kingdom. Not great, but a kingdom and I will be eternally grateful. - What should I do? - Just plug in her heart. I will not take any chances. And you get what your heart desires. And if I do not? So I'll rip your head off. Why can none of you just kill her? Back! Do you think you can challenge me? You have no chance. Do you think you can save the princess? I have a gift for you. Silence of the hand of fate hand the newly dead, resurrected. They were looking at you as they lived How did they treat you now? What have you done? Their grace, listen to me. I know you have a good heart. Do you think he has a good heart? He looks very heartless out. What do you think? Do you love in the heart? Had do you think? Hardly! - I feel sorry for you. - Sore? You are sad. It can be seen in your eyes. You will never understand the love. Are you still hungry? Hungry? Hungry? Just eat. Do it with him! Earlin. Thank God you're alive. I did not think I did see you again Tambria! I'm not finished with you! I have defeated your dead Your monsters. Not all. That's it! It's done! Release them. Good. Go away. I give up. I can not bear this burden any longer. I have nothing left. The princess is yours. Gone her. Love conquers all. Beware! Your liar! He's dead. You said that love conquers all. And it has done, baby. But I stand by my people's blood. Anyone who perished in the usles and evil hands - - Get up from the crypt depth - And walk on this earth earn my power. Avenge my blood and give me grace. Avenge my blood. Newt, if you do not take the sword and sticks Sleeping Beauty in the heart - - Barrow will eat you. Come, come all. Go to her. Go to her. No! No! You poor creature. You... you kissed me. Thank you. If you think you can destroy the future, I prepared for 100 years... But since you are not sleeping anymore... So I can kill you. Go back! How you do not talk to my princess. Tambria. You are no longer welcome here. Go away. Queen Tambria, you are now banished from my kingdom. It is my kingdom! A year later It is harmless. They can come in, Your Honor. The party will start soon. In a moment. I thought of things long ago. Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Dawn. I remember a story on a day like this. I was so young. - You still are. I am 100 years older than you. - Something like that. Are you ready? - I can not wait. Thank you will celebrate our first-born daughter Day. Come and bless her. May you always be brave. And they lived happily ever after of their lives. Or maybe not. I will grant the child a gift. [MUSIC] Once upon a time, there was a king and queen. Who have a very beautiful baby girl. They ask all of the fairies in the kingdom of Olivet, to come and bestow blessing upon the child. But, unfortunately, they forgot to invite one of them. It's gonna look obviously we can't come up with the name by the time you have to make the announcement. Look.. Uh, the kingdom will rise and like the dawn for her. perfect! Then that is what she shall be named. Finally. An heir for my kingdom. To carry our wishes and our dreams into the future. You make me so very very happy. As you have me, my love. I bet she will have your.. courage. And your kindness. And she shall have your beauty. And stubbornness. This is a moment of great celebration for Olivet. Nothing could spoil this day. [trumpet SOUNDS] The olds, ladies, and chantresses from the three kingdom. Them beautiful people of Olivet. We have invited you here today, to celebrate the lineage of this fair kingdom. please, come! And welcome. Our first born and heir. princess Dawn. May you find true love evermore. Your heart always lead you to the truth. May happiness and love guide you all the way. What's this? A party I wasn't invited to. Queen Violet, King David. I am slated by your exception. Queen Tambria, we meant you no offense. We sent out until the last announce of the birth of our child. I had nothing. perhaps, due to the inaccessibility of your abode. My abode is where you shove me in the corner of your realm. Mind I remind you, Queen Tambria, when your kingdom was demolished, we harbored you, out of the kindness of our hearts. I only am here to bestow a gift upon the child. You may. Dear sweet beautiful child. My gift to you is this. By your sixteenth birthday, you will receive a prick by a spinfal by a spindle. And impayment for your parents offense. You should die. You evil putrid soul.. A curse that has been done, can not be erased. And so I cast a spell upon her grace. Until a prince does play his part, and come to help pure heart, she shall laying protected sleep. Until true love's kiss with passion deep. The kingdom too shall sleep as well, until this kiss. To break the spell. You poor three little nymph. As everyone here slumbers, I will take over the kingdom. And make it only mine. And as for you, Tambria. Death and destruction will be your only companion. That you should got for become evil. And your power will be subject to this one throw. Guards! Stop, Tambria! We will not approving you. And I am sure with you. Don't you know that my power's so much more glorious than all you shall see. You have killed my sister. Now you'll pay for your betrayal. You remain in this kingdom alone. For as long as the spell is in place. [SCREAMING] I will no longer be slated. And you shall all rot in hell. The Asylum presents Sleeping Beauty To prevent the evil curse from ever coming through, the king ordered all spindles to be collected and burnt. Until not a single one left in the kingdom of Olivet. please mama, can you make me a cloth for winter? You know you mustn't ask such things. The king also ordered a wall to be built around the castle. And princess Dawn to be locked away for her own protection, in the Ivy Tower. - Until her sixteenth birthday came to pass. - 15 Years Later [DOOR KNOCKED] Come in. Mother! My dear girl! You're so excitable. I apologize. But, my sixteenth years almost upon us. And, I can not wait to get out from my chamber. - Will there be a large party tonight? - Yes. - And, will everyone in the kingdom be there? - Of course. Even the boy who brings bread everyday? Tell me about him. I see him from my window to the kitchen here today. Has he seen you? He's quite handsome. Is he, no? perhaps, I an meet him someday. perhaps you can. In the meantime you should keep up your studies. You know I like wise princess. Of course, mother. Uh, so much to prepare. I can hardly contain myself. So excitable. Dawn.. You are the most precious thing to me in the whole world. I promise, tonight, when the moon rises, and you have not been pricked. We all celebrate. [DOOR opens] They say that only true love will break the spell. It's all I can only hope for the curse never finds it place. To my prince this dove shall fly. And when the moon finally rose on Dawn's sixteenth birthday breaking the curse. There was celebrations through out the kingdom. [MUSIC pLAYNG] Are you ready, my dear? Your party awaits. - I'm a lilltle afraid. - Oh... Don't be afraid, my love. They're gonna love you, just as we love you. I just can't believe it, I waits my whole life, now I finally free. Yes, you are. You'll never have to wait again. [trumpet] May I have this dance, princess? May I dance? Ask your mother. Of course, you have our permission. You know that boy? No, My King. That is one of the knightsmen. perhaps. I have a present for you. You do? That is so very kind. Not here. Come. It's been so very long since I've seen the sky above my head. - I just realize... - What? I've never seen the sky above my head. It's so very... very beautiful. That's not the only thing that is beautiful. My present? perhaps it's not fit for a princess of your beauty. But I've worked it for so very long. Go ahead. Open it. I have never seen anything like it. How ever did you make something so beautiful? promise not to tell? Of course. How could you make me such beautiful gift? I made it with this. What is it? It's a spindle. But of course you can't touch it. Have you seen Dawn? She's fine. It is pass the full moon, the curse is no more. Humor me, please. One last time. For you, my love. Of course. I mean... you're not supposed to touch the spindle. Why not? Now the curseis no more. I'm passed my sixteenth birthday. Let me see! It's harmless. No... You stupid little girl. I mean, you're not supposed to touch the spindle. The eagers of youth. Don't you know that once a spell is cast, they cannot be broken? Your impatience and impetuousness has not served you. And as for your dear mother and father, well... I hope they sleep tight tonight. Ohh... Oh, no. This can't be happening. My dearest King and Queen, your child is falls asleep. Get away from her. And soon so shall you'd be. The moon is full, or so it seems. Only a few days till Dawn sixteenth. I'm sorry that I have to come drop the inevitable, but I had to make sure that I got my kingdom. And now I shall rule it for many-many years to come. Blast that putrid little nymph! Ah! A thousand curses to you faeries! The curse and the counter spell, now in place. All of Alfelter fell into a deep, deep slumber. And the evil Tambria was left alone to rule a sleeping kingdom. "100 years later. " "In the Kingdom of Lipscomb. " My father won't leave me his kingdom, unless I find a wife... and sire an heir. You, come here. - prince Jason has displeased The King. - Again. I didn't quite learn my lesson this morning. Oops. Take the prince's punishment you putrid dog! Again. [GRUNTS] Oh, stop. Don't whip him like an old woman. Do it like this. He must learn his lesson. I'll take your punishment, but not from you. Sire, the future king should not deal on his own punishment. Fine. I'll let Grunner do it instead. Whip him! As if you were me. Enough! Enough. Barrow, you may leave. And you peter. Argh! Wine, I want wine. One of you, get me wine! If you read this, please do know. Let the vanity we begin to grow. I needed the kiss to put away the charm. [GOOSE SOUND] Barrow! You're up early. What's that you have there? I.. I found this notes in the nest. Look! I make a map. Oh, geez. Who do you think wrote it? There can only be one. This can only be the word of the sleeping beauty. Who is that? When princess Dawn of Olivette was born.. An evil witch put a curse upon her. That by her 16th year.. She would prick her finger and die. Good fairies cast a spell of their own. So that instead of dying, she fell into a deep slumber. And no one can wake her? The legend has it that. The people of the kingdom into the same deep slumber. No one has gone into that kingdom and returned.. This place of great evil. And so the legend tells. Where is this kingdom? It's not far from here. Just beyond those mountains. All the people of Lundscape. Know this legend. people say that magic and spells are just for children. This seem so very sad more than this. Barrow. The prince requires your services. What is this? It's nothing, just.. A map. - Or some story. - It's just something to fill the time. You don't have enough to do? This seem so taken up much of your time. It's a writing. What does it mean? It's for little amusing and idle mind, pay no attention. I'll let you know what I pay attention and what I don't pay attention to. I leave you alone for 2 seconds. And you come running down to the yard like boys. What's this? It is just something I've discovered. Something you've discovered. peter. What's it say? My sleep will end when a prince bestow upon my lips with kiss. And the curse will end, and my kingdom will through that prince shift. Hmm.. What does it mean? It means My Lord, that the sleeping beauty. princess Dawn will wake and the kingdom will pass To the prince who has bestow upon her the true love kiss. A kingdom? Of my very own. Go away! It's not so easy my Lord, there is evil. Those who go to that kingdom, they not returned. The Dark Queen live in the castle walls. Demons, dark forces that protect that sleeping princess and the castle treasure You speak to me.. About kingdoms and treasure. And expect me, a prince to care about an old lady and her unseen forces. Do you think we can take this kingdom? Oh, I could be King of my very own. Anything is possible, My Lord. - Gruner. - My Lord. Fetch the horses. We're off to get me a kingdom. Yes, My Lord. Oh, I forgot. You're coming too. My Lord, he's just your whiping boy. What help could he be to you? Do you dare to question me? No, My Lord. Good. You coming too. Err, which way is the kingdom? Err, I don't know my Liege, I look at my map first. It says here the Evil Queen built a wall around the castle to keep people out. Again with the Evil Queen. A wall is of no concern, we'll just climb over it. You can climb, aren't you? Let's take over the castle. If the legend is true, then no one will be sleeping. It makes perfect sense to me, brother. It says here that if we go near the castle, we're in great danger. Yet to the river, boy. How we supposed to get across there? What is the map say? It didn't say anything. Look! A boat. Oh, that's strange. Get on with it. It so far too easy. Come on, Gruner! Don't be such a numby pumby. What's the matter Grunner? You're afraid to get your feet wet? I think he scare of the boat too. I think he's afraid of the water. Judging by the smell of them all, they all afraid of the water. Come on! Let's move! - Come on, old man. - Thanks. [BIRD SOUND] What was that? Oh, We'll gonna go in now. - Do you feel that? - I did. I just hope that we found a ground. Keep row faster. Whoa, there it is. No, that just the fish. [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] Do it now! Help! Help me! Keep on guard! Help me! Help, someone help! Make way, make way! Run! Quick, quick, quick! Move! Get off the boat! Come on, man, get out, go. Run! I told you.. It wasn't safe. There's no turning back now. You see what happened to Frederich? Did you see it? - You did this! - Shut up! I told you, it wasn't safe! Should've listen to Gruner. My Lord, which way now? My Lord! Barrow? Follow me. You don't lead, you follow. Follow me. We'll keep moving! What was that thing? You can't seriously expect us to go on. Frederich's dead! I told you, it was part of the curse. What do you say, Gruner? How do you know of this curse? Why don't you say anything sooner? My grandfather was a night. He tell my father the story and he told me. That within the walls of that castle, the dead walk of a living snake. The whole kingdom is berserk with a curse. - Why did you not say anything sooner? - I never thought to pay much attention! What does he mean? It means we are all walking towards our own death. Alright men, let's search for a way in. I wouldn't much want a kingdom like this. Quiet! No one asked you. Ah! My Lord.. There's some kind of force. Surrounding the castle. We can't get in any of the doors. Or windows. I've never seen anything like this. No one has. This is Tambria's magic. Another warning. We should rest here, my Lord. Nonsense.. We'll rest once I am inside my castle. Look, there's something there on the walls. What is that? Something unholly.. From time to time, many sons of kings, came and try to force their way through. But they were hold, in there they died a, an lamentable death. Look, up there. An open window. Well, my Lord? Are we going up? I think it would be wise to let the men rest. We'll make a camp over here, tonight. Very well, we'll keep watch. Before that.. We should have Barrow tested it out for us. See if he can go up and down, without facing, what was it you said? Oh, yes.. A lamentable death. As you wish.. [WINDOW BREAKS] Hey.. This is a bad, bad place. Maybe we should go back. Go back? Through the lake? Then we camp. I want to stay here. There's been no way out. Look, hear me, brother. We'll be alright. The worst part is over. Inside that castle, we will be rich, treasure. And once we're inside, it'll all be ours. Or we die. What of this lady of yours said? The wall is high, you're sure to die. [LAUGHS] It doesn't look too bad. It'll just be like, climbing the wall back home. [SIGHS] A little bit further, Barrow. What can you see? This is an empty roof. Go inside.. Secure the rope. We're all are going in tomorrow. No lamentable death today. Okay, heads up. [ROAR] psst.. What are you a girl or a boy? I don't know what you think you are, but my name is Nick. Look, this men are thiefs and rapists. You shouldn't be here. And I could say the same for you. This is no place for a heavy man, who rather jink and lay down women. This is a dangerous place. So we've seen. What are you doing here? What are you a fugitive or thief in your own mind? We saw the terrible thing that happened to the king, starved, kicked, and ends up with the dogs. So one day I left. And how did you get in there? I climbed for two days and I can't get out. We took the lake. You don't understand, once inside the curse kingdom of all us, the live don't leave. Yeah, listen.. You're not safe here, you should stick with us. Sleep on the ground, no thanks. [ROARING] [ROAR] What was that noise? It was the kingdom saying we're not welcome. I'll have no such insolence in my ranks. Now go and get the men some food. And at first light, the prince wants to see if there's another way in. A simple way. Move! Barrow. Yes. Treasure in this castle must be great. All this in this castle. Well, she is of course very beautiful as legend has it. Took my actual treasure. Hope princess.. Whatever her name is. Dawn, my liege Your future princess's name is, Dawn. I know. Don't threatened me. What else do you know about her? She's one of a full writer. Has great in relationship. Many people say she's one of the greatest mind in the three kingdom. Enough. What's that give me a couple days. She won't have time for such silliness. Of course my liege. Man! Wake up! Up, up! Let's secure the grounds. And the won't take my castle. We have visitors. Open the gate on their honor. perhaps they would like to meet some of the king's family. Kingdom is vast, my liege Well, Barrow. How vast is my kingdom? I don't say like that, my lord. Well, it's bigger than old school, right? I believe in that sir. What do you say about this bridge? It's not on the map. It's not on the map. Could be a trap. I do not need your opinion of what to do, when I am be a king. Okay, yes my majesty. My lord. They're wasting our time. Barrow. There's a thing I need to explain to you. At first.. You are indeed coming all that you could be. There is more.. What is that? The undead, my Lord. They're coming.. Run, go, go! Go! Go, go! Go, go, go! Earlin! Come on, get in. I'm not leaving.. You have to go, you have to go, come on! - I'll be fine. - I'm not leaving you. To the wall. - You first. - No, you first. I'll be first. Wilhelm, Jacob! protect your future king. Fight, you coward! [GROANING] Go! - Let's go. - We need to go back and save Earlin. He's gone. Get up the wall. Go! Don't look down. What all those things? They're dead, my Lord. It's the curse. This is all your fault. You show us the bridge, you are the one to blame. So.. What do we do now? Hope place's sealed. It's impenetrable. The upstairs is completely blocked. The undead are down below. If we can't go up.. We suffer the same faith. The only way out is the way we came in. We need the distraction. [YELLS] Take me up! pull me up! Wait. They've made it to the castle. Do you know this people, Dawn? If you didn't done this earlier, brother. You're telling me. My Lord. What do we do up here? Leave him. Let him cover us from the undead. Help, let me out! psstt.. What are you doing here? Told not to come to the castle. Look, that doesn't matter. What do I do about these things below? You use tunnels and past, but you don't want to enter this castle. Where are they? Well above your head. Okay, thank you. You shouldn't thank me for showing the way to your death. Where you going? You're not coming? I'm not allowing myself to goes in. They're too malisce.. They're going to slaughtered them. Listen, they're soldiers. I won't worry about them. You know that matters this is Queen Tambria kingdom. You know that? I know a little. But she knows not of me. I am sure of that. We can't stay here. So, Where we go? We don't have the map. It's with Barrow. Gruner.. Go and get him. - Let me help you up! - I found the way in. Help the prince. What's happen? They invanded the castle walls hasn't they? You know you're lucky we rescue you Barrow. Did you hear something? [GRUNT] Have a bad feeling about this, brother. Man.. Tightening up! Stay close! We're surrounded! It's the time! Hit them on the helmets! Good job, Matt! Is everyone alright? Good job. Move Barrow! Time to plunder our treasure. And claim, my kingdom! Barrow, come.. Join us. Well, is they think that they can kill some of my pets? Then I'll have to use something stronger. Try to carefuly man. Be cautious.. Let's claim it. So it seem like the fact on the decoration of the death. Barrow, what'd you know of this? I'm suspected more undead. Gruner.. Take this. It's true.. All the stories are true. Let's go wimps.. Friendship you a dance. You dance like a dog. Alright.. Don't worry darling.. It's only hurt a moment.. Stand down, brother! Well, I'm does it best. [HOWLING] - Leave her be! - Watch your tongue! Enough! Once we killed the witch.. And I kissed the princess.. You can have all the girls you want, now move! My prince.. It's your treasure.. Mass spoiled are wait. It's a trap. How many time we getting this treasure on god? But can't you see, this time are just a monster, and her golds are being.. A nuisance.. Gruner! She is behind all the evil, my league. I know.. Let me go first.. This is my kingdom.. Barrow! Go fatch my treasure.. Carefull Barrow.. Hurry up, Barrow, bring me my treasure.. perhaps it's the best, if you secure the castle first. Save the treasure, afterwards. - We don't have time for this bullshit.. - He has the point, my lord. The treasure won't way out us down. Why don't we secure the castle and then.. If I wanted you opinion.. I'm asking you, right? The work, my League.. I'll just fatch the treasure myself. Come on! Help me! [GROWLS] What was that? - What? - I felt something.. What? [GROWLS] That was it again.. Get to the stairs! Wait! The prince! It's took the prince! Look, we have to go back! - This was a trap! - We'll be damn if we go looking for him blindly! This is all your fault! You lead us here.. You told us to come here.. One good reason, why I shouldn't kill you right now! Because I've got the map! And forgive me if I'm wrong! But I'm the only one who can read it! Unless you can read! And if you can't.. Then maybe you should go save the prince! And the princess! Man, ready your sword! We're going back in! Stay close! Barrow! You take the lead.. Okay.. Follow me.. Okay.. This is where he went down.. Anyone see anything? Clear.. There is nothing over here.. Oh.. Okay.. This tunnel, we search here.. He must've go that way. - The prince is dead! - Watch your tongue! [GROWL] That's it, we not pulling back anymore. We're leaving. Would you want prince say, hah? This is good if she's dead. I thought you're soldiers. Not common farm hands scare of legend of lord. Nothing is call me a legend. We must leave. You're frighten? No. The prince will be angry if we leave. You wouldn't want to be a man of cravening now, would you? I'm with you. Good. Follow me. Don't think this way is your position. That came from that direction. - One of the undead dead. - Attack! - Move it! - Wait! Wait! It's fine. It's fine, I know her. And then what is this, little twig? The Lord of you are deep in trouble now. This is Newt. She's one of human other things living on this always. That monster is condor of all those evil with this chamber. And it here now. You haven't a change to make out this castle alive. Unless.. You leave now. Abandon your friends and prince. You know we can't do that. The prince is the only one who can save the princess. Again with the prince, Do you think that monster cares who will eat and rip from limb to limb? He cares not. Save yourself. We can't. Then may the heaven be with you. Because you owe me to get out this castle alive. [ROARING] Where did she go? [ROARING] Wait, my grand father told me many tale a battle like this. Backward, stand first! Stand first! I'm alive, right? I'll be.. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Jacob. [HUMMING] You know, I.. Was respect on you so much. [SOBBING] [GRUNTS] You kill my brother. Let him go. Let's keep moving. You're sitting in the king throne. And I've just lay out a lovely feast. The prince will let come. I know your great grand father. I guess I'll remember him well. Brutal of a man. Not terrible affliction if there I suppose that past down on your lineage He carry me away when my kingdom was destroyed. Have you heard or maybe you like? To have a kingdom destroyed. They slide my husband throne over like a pig. And then they burn my children alive. Infont of me. I wonder what the carried king of lives would think if I send his son had back. On the steak. I'm sorry If he slide at you. I'm sorry.. If he slide at you. I'm not like my father. Or his father before him. I'm saw what happen back there. - There's no way we can survive this place. - Look. The prince is the only one who can break the curse. It's doubt for that if he still alive. Listen, You'll be stay here to be a coward? Or we can move forward and fight. It's your call. I rather have my brother's live back. I'm sorry for your lose. We can not allow your brother death vainly. Come. Jacob. Continue to fight. [GROWL] Get him attack now. We fight well and destroy you. [GRUNTS] You're alright. I just saw in my live. The undead will pass on that too. I don't wanna be inside the castle anymore. Look, you can stay here, but I'm going this way. Which way? I think is best if we split up. - I'll go with you. - No. You stay with Jacob. Good luck. Bruno! Go to the hell! [SCREAMING] He was right. I think we can't make out of here alive. I was thinking the same thing. What happen? A curse down here from begining. That's what we do now. Thank you. I think nothing will lead is no place to hoping that to know right. You've done well. That's might to fight and neither we must make it out alive. We dead man if we stay here. We dead already. Just two of us against untold number of monster and we're dead. If Newt can do it, She can survive and so can we. It is indeed that you and I and never refuse the challenge set main rule, you have an idea? Actually, I did. Are these your men who tortured my minions? I know nothing. I will take care of this. My leash. - We're here to save you. - Barrow. Grulie, you're alive. Does'nt matter how may you killed, there are other thousand minions. I have infinite army that i can call whenever i wish. For those who rise, and those who lie, i ask you recent, all thee who have died, rise up again, and walk with us. Thank you. You penetrate all the gate. You broke the gate, unleashing my undead, into the three kingdoms. No. No? See for yourself! Oh.. A family reunion of sorcs.. What is wrong with you? My ghouls will make sure, that each and every person will bow down to me. Nowhere.. and no one, will be safe. Dawn? please, don't hurt her, just give her to me, i'll take her far away, you can have your kingdom, just please.. give her to me. prince Jayson, can you hear your friend here, He wants the princess all to himself. He never did know his true position in life. What should we do with him? Leave him tied up. We'll deal with him once we take care of Dawn. - What happened to you? - Watch your tongue, Barrow. Especially, when you're talking in front of.. my queen. What about Dawn? What about your quest for the kingdom? You'll never be a prince, Barrow. You are within boy, that is all you are. And all you will ever be in this kingdom, and the next. Why should i have one kingdom when i can have three, with Tambria. Besides, my father will never give me his kingdom. So i decide to do things my way. This is my way. Can we get on with this, please? And kill her. I need to see how deep your loyalty lies. Which one of your friends would you like to kill first? I would suggest you kill within boy guy. What evil has penetrate the prince? Believe me, i think it's been always his nature. We'll never get out of here, especially on time to safe the princess. Newt, ah, thank heaves. You should'nt say that, it still is'nt finished. You can't assist the princess is it? Yet. - You know where the princess? - Of course, why not? - Could you take us to her? - To take you to her? Of course, if you'd like. I think she's headed this way. What do you mean, you don't know where she is? I've never been this way before. Run! Alright, you stay back. You betrayed me. I was just to save myself. Did'nt seem like it. What was i supposed to do? Throw myself on my soul as a sacrifice? Tambria was going to kill me. Is'nt sound like a bad idea. Good men have died underneath your honor, and now you switch her side? You are a coward. - You betrayed Dawn. - I was never gonna kill Dawn. - How can i trust you? - You have to. Barrow. I am sorry. There was no.. other way. She shall take us to the princess. And kill Tambria. I'll be your back up. No. You should go yourself. Here, take this, this is my crest. She goes somewhere where i know she was looking, boy. When my father took your father's kingdom, he took away your birth right. I'm giving it back. Atleast i can face this like a man. You've returned. perhaps you're more the man than i thought. perhaps i am. If i'm to spend an eternity with someone, i need to know that they can be by my side. You don't get anything until you kill Dawn. You see my armies are out there conquering, and i can't enjoy it, because i'm stuck, in here. I need you to kill her. - Oh, she's.. - Beautiful? Is that what you're gonna say? She's also about to be very dead. Of course. - I just.. - Stop talking! [ SWORD UNSHEATHING ] I Need you to kill her. Why me? I've tried to kill her a thousand times, but every time I get close, I get pulled back. It's part of the little fairy's cast. Oh, look how sweet! You try to wake her with the kiss, but don't you know that only a prince with the pure heart can do that? - Wake up! - And it's obvious which one you are. Oh, it's so hot that you trying to be a man, and you're so close.. You'll never get away with this. How do you know that if you're not alive? Bring me the bald one, I want to play with his head. psst! - Violet, you're still alive. - Of course, I am here to lead you to the princess let's go. If you kill the princess, you'll have your own kingdom, not a very big kingdom, but a kingdom nonetheless and I'll obey eternally people. What would you want me to do? To stab her through her heart, I don't want to take any chances. And you'll have whatever your heart desires. What if I don't? Then I will wake you a dog. Why can't any of you just kill her? - Get back! - Huh, you think you can challenge me? You got nothing against me, you think you can save the princess? I gotta a gift for you. "Hail the evil, hail the faith, thou just killed, regenerate!" They were cruel to you when they're alive, interesting to see how they treat you now. What have you done? My liege, listen to me, I know this gonna be hard, please, listen whithin! You think he's got cutting his heart? That's pretty heartless to meaning. What do you think? You have nothing with heart? What do you think? I think not! - I am sorry for you. - Sorry for me? You sad, I can see it in your eyes. The rest of your life, you will never understand true love. You still hungry? Eat, eat. Finish him off! Ethan, thank God you're alive, I never thought I'd see you again. Tambria, I am not done with you! I defeat your death, you rage, your monsters! Not all of them [ ROARING ] There, it's done! Release her. Very well, begone! I surrender, I cannot carry this weight any longer. I have nothing left, princess is yours, so wake her up. Love does conquer the reward. Look out! You liar! He's death, you said that love conquers all. And child, it has. But I stand with the blood of my people. Woe that us perished at the hand of the fire of the cruel. Rise up for the death of the doom! I revoke this place! Devine power, avenge my blood and give me strength! Avenge my blood! Liege, if you don't pick up that sword and stab that sleeping beauty in the heart, We're all liege! Come, come, all of you. Go to her. Go to her. No! No! A great creature, you.. you kissed me. Thank you. If you think that you can ruin, this glorious future that I have conquer the last hundred years, But since you are not sleeping anymore, I am gonna to kill you! Stay back! That is no way to speak to my princess. Tambriel, you are no longer walk in here. Leave. Queen Tambriel, you henceful banish from my kingdom! It is my kingdom! One year later. It's harmless. You may want to come in, my lady, the party is about to begin. One moment. It just thing that I have think long ago. All gents and ladies, the princess Dawn. I remember the story of the day much likeness. - That was when I so young. - You still young. - I am an a hundred years at least. - Hmm, I guess we'll take. - Are you ready? - I can hardly contain my self. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming for the celebration of the birth of our firstdaughter, Dave. Come, the soul of blessing upon her. May you always be safe. And then it is, happily ever after. Or perhaps not I would like to present a gift upon the child. There's a bike here, Derek. It's in good nick. You can ride it home, mate. I can't. Why not? I can't ride a bike. What do you mean, you can't ride a bike? I never learned when I was little. No-one taught me. Well, I'll teach you. Will ya? Yeah, course I will. Sit on it. Feet on the pedals. Pure trust. Well, get up, then. Get up? Yeah, always get up, mate. Always get up. Always get up. First rule. First rule. Always get up. Always get up. Feet on the pedals. But this time... Done it again. I was going to say push down on the... Doesn't matter, we can do it next time, so, get up. Get up. Yeah, always get up, mate, remember? Yeah. That's it. There we go. Back on again. Yeah. It's going to be a long day. I never had a dad when I was little, so no-one taught me to ride a bike. My mum didn't want me to learn cos she didn't want me to fall off. She had a point. That's the difference between mums and dads. Mums never want you to fall off. Dads want you to fall off straightaway so you know what it feels like, and if you get hurt, you won't fall off again. Sorry I wasn't there to teach you, Derek. That's all right. It wouldn't have made a difference. I can't ride it now so I couldn't have rided it then. I'm useless. Ah, that's the last thing you are, boy. You're going to be riding it in no time at all. Will you still be alive to see me riding it? Well, if you hurry up, I might. If not, you can ride it to the funeral. You can do your own tweets. Is that for me? Yes, it's a present, and Vicky has got it all set up and running. Look. What's that? Is that one of them what you ask it questions? Yes. What would win out of a gorilla and an orang-utan? Here's a recipe... What? ..for grilled meringues. Look, I got me own phone. I know. It's brilliant, innit? Yeah. I've got another surprise for you. What? You've got a date. What, off the website? Yeah. I can't really go, though, can I, cos I'm... Is she a nice little filly? Yeah, she looks lovely, Derek. Go on, son, get stuck in. Stuck in. What if she thinks I'm awful, like, I'm pathetic or summat? She chose you, Derek! Shall I book a restaurant? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Excellent. Going on a date. That's right. You just got to relax and be yourself, Derek. Yeah. They're helping me work out what things to say on the date cos I ain't never been on one before, I don't know what to say. What shall I say? Well, ask her what she likes. What, what? Just say, "What things do you like?" Yeah. Yeah, what things do you like? I know what she likes. Sh! Er, ask her what she does and where she's from. What d'you do? Where you from? Yeah, and, you know, things she wants to talk about. What d'you want to talk about? Yeah. Is she up for it? Oh, shut up. I won't shut... This is bollocks. Put your pen and pad down, mate. Simple. Easy. Number one - stop gurning like a goldfish... All that business. Number two - stop combing your hair forward like an old monk. And number three - stop doing that like... like pincers, like a lobster or a crab. What would win out of a lobster and a crab? And that's got to stop also. All the, "What would win? What would win?" I don't want questions, I want answers. What would win out of answers and questions? Fuckin' hell! Can't believe you're going on a date when your dad's ill. Should I not go? Of course you should go, Derek. Geoff, could you do me a favour? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Sorry. Careful. Aw, 50-year-old man gets a date. Wow! Call the paparazzi. Stop the press, you know? Why is he getting all the attention? Come on, Derek, we gotta go! It's nearly time to go! You gotta get ready for your date! He's doing really well. Trust me, that was him doing well. Come on! He's so excited. Is he? I just wish I could come and see what they're talking about. I know, she seemed really lovely. Yeah, she looked nice. Here he is. Oh, look at him! Wow! You look gorgeous, Derek. Thank you. Look, real shoes, real trousers. You look so smart. Here you are, Derek. I got you a drink. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. She's a lucky girl, ain't she? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my god! What the fuck? ! Oh! What did you do that for? ! Prat! Let me check it. You can see he's dressed up. You're a bully, mate. Yeah? What are you...? Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, mate? - Fuck off! - What the fuck? ! What did you...? What are you doing? Derek! Let go, Derek. You're gonna get in trouble! Is Kev all right? Yes, he's fine! Sorry. He's fine. Kev, are you OK? Are you all right? Are you OK, Kev? - You've hurt yourself. - My drink. Don't worry about your drink. Are you OK, Derek? Yeah. Geoff didn't... wasn't hurt, was he? Don't worry about Geoff. You all right, Kev? Yeah. Cheers, Kev. Stupid prick. Shall I still go on the date? Of course you've got to go on the date. See you later, Kev. Good luck, mate. See ya, cheers. Have fun, Derek, yeah? Yeah. Come on. You'll be great, mate. Thank you. You don't need to run, Derek. Geoff. Sorry. No... I'm sorry. It was my fault. I was a total idiot, Derek. Don't worry. I'm sorry. Thank you. Have a good time, yeah? Thank you. Enjoy yourself. Right, well, that's another job I'll have to leave, then. No, you haven't got to leave. Look, can I give you a bit of advice, Geoff? Yeah. Do you think that you could try and not be an arsehole all of the time? Yeah. Yeah? OK, yeah. Yeah? You'll be all right, then. Thanks. See ya later. Is that it? Yeah. Looks nice. Yeah. Good evening, sir. Sir. Do you have a reservation? I've got a date. Right, wha... what's your name? Derek. Derek who? Derek Noakes. Er... Oh, yes, yep. Your... Your guest's already at the table. What are they? Er, mints. Are they free? Yes. Can I have one, please? Er... they're normally for after the meal. Can I have one now? Er... yep. Thank you. There's free mints up there. I'm Derek. I'm Tracey. Hello. Waiter. Drink to start? Eh... A diet Coke, please. I's diet Coke. Two diet Cokes, no problem. Two straws. Sure. The menu, there for you. Thank you. What you doing? ! Have you got the list? No! I left it back at the home, then. Have you just left her sitting there? I need the list. You don't need the list, Derek. You just have to talk about yourself. And her. Thank you. I forgot the list. Of questions what to ask. Do you want to borrow mine? Yes, please. Oh, yeah. What things do you like? Oh, I don't know. I only made a list of questions, not answers. Ask me them, then. What things do you like? Susan Boyle, cats, Hannah, old people, Robbie Williams, Britain's Got Talent, Miranda, monkeys, piglets, Mrs Brown Boys. Brilliant. I like burping. I likes burping. That sounded like a camel. Can you burp? Eh, pardon? Can you burp? Er, no. Thank you. We likes burping, don't we? You have chosen your food? No. What's gran... wee...? Eh, cuisses de grenouille. Yeah. It's a starter. It's, um, er, frog's legs. What? Frog's legs. The legs of a frog. The legs off a... what, a real frog? Sure. About seven or eight in the portion. What about the frogs what legs you took off? Are they disabled now? No, no... the frog is dead. Obviously. We only eat the leg. It's a delicacy. Tastes a little bit like chicken. Have you got any chicken? The poulet. Yeah. That is the chicken. So, why, why you eating frogs before the chicken's run out? No, it's two different dishes. What's that one? L'escargott. L'escargot is, er, snails. What? Snails. Snails? Garlic, herb butter on... Sure, snails. It's a... What? Real snails? Mm-hm. Cooked, of course. Of course. Could you eat a slug? No. But you eats a snail and a frog. You can probably best just go for the chicken. I'll have the chicken, please. Sure. I'll have chicken. OK. Does anyone want a cup of tea? No, thanks. Sheila? D'you want a cup of tea, Sheila? Yes, please. Yeah? How d'ya...? How d'ya have it? Milk and one sugar. Milk and one. Right. D'you want one, Vicky? Yeah, go on, then. I'll have the same as Sheila. Yeah? Right. Two milk and one. OK. Give you a hand? Yeah. Yeah, go on, then. Be good. Don't worry about it. I used to be a dickhead. OK. Come on. Don't want to leave Sheila waiting. Yeah. Make sure you make it strong, though. She likes it strong. Right. Ah. Madam... Monsieur... Deux coq au vin. What? Coq au vin. Mainly chicken, though, innit? Yes. Bon appetit. I'm going to just leave that bit. Just in case? Is that a good idea? I liked that. It was tasty, wasn't it? Lovely. Have you ever triple-spudded? What's that? Well, I once... I had mashed potato, roast potato and some chips. Triple-spudding. You're finished? Thank you. You're welcome. That was brilliant. Thanks. What's your favourite animal? Horse. I likes horses. Do you like the little ones, like that? You mean dogs? No. No, just those tiny... Those little miniature horses you can get. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're funny. You looks like your picture. So do you. Yeah. Have you been on a horse? No. I fed a horse. D'you know why you've got to do it like that? So that, um, it does that and it doesn't bite your fingers. Like that. Did you feel its tongue? No, just its lips. Do horses got tongues? Do they lick things, horses? Think so. Dogs do. Dogs licks things. That's why you're not allowed to kiss dogs, because it's been licking things. Right, and a cat's tongue, it heals you cos it's got a rough tongue. You know a dog's nose is wet but a cat's nose is dry? Hello? Dessert for you? Thank you. Did anyone eat frogs here tonight? Nobody ordered the frog tonight. I licked a toad once. It was horrible. Yeah. He's doing really well. It looks like he's having a nice time. I'm sure he'll tell me all about it. OK. All right, well, I'll see you later. Yeah, me too. OK, bye. Mm, I like that. I like the crunchy bits. Yeah. Creme brulee. Thank you. Brilliant. Have you seen, erm... dormouse snoring on YouTube? It's the best thing what I've ever seen. It's as good as baby monkey riding backwards on a pig or hamster on a piano eating popcorn, or even shopping penguin. It's a magic towel. Yeah, fine, great. You'll love it. You look it up. Voila. Thank you. Oh, sorry, no! That's the towels. They looks just like the mints. Thank you. Just, er... French food is funny, innit? That's my friend Hannah. Oh, that's me dad. Bye, then. Bye. Did you have a good time? Yeah. It was brilliant. Did you? Yeah. Have you ever heard of creme brulee? I've heard of it. It's French. Oh, right, is it nice? It's like a pudding... Nice! ..but with a crusty bit on top... Ah. ..what's burnt, but it's like toffee. Dad. Hello. Hello. I've just been on my date. Jesus! You're back early. Yeah. I said I had to get back, to see you. I couldn't stay that long with her. So I said goodbye to her and come down. Always choose the girl, boy. Do you want a whisky? No, thanks. Do you mind if I have one? I loves being alive. It's my favouritest thing. I loves every day. I don't want it to end. But I looks forward to the next day starting. I even like sleeping, cos I likes dreaming. Cos, um, my dreams are just as good as my real life. They're sort of the same, really. I basically dreams about what's happened that day, except I can fly sometimes, and animals talks to me. Animals what I've helped. Cos they can't say thank you in real life but they says thank you in my dreams. Cos I think that's what they would say if they could. I sometime knows I'm dreaming, d'you know what I mean? I do that. I knows I'm dreaming and I says, "Oh, I gotta wake up now. Bye." And my mum says, "Bye, Derek, see you tomorrow night. Have a nice day." So I do. Derek? He's dead. Oh, darling. It's all right. I'm happy... ..cos he was happy. Cos I knew I had a dad and he had a son. He loved me. He said so. He told me. He was smiling and then he just fell asleep and he was dead, smiling. So that's why I'm smiling. Perfect ending. So, is he in heaven now? What do you think? I don't know if there is a heaven. I'm suspicious. But if heaven is for people what did good, then he would be in heaven. Definitely. Good. I'm going to go and sort things out now. I'll be back soon, OK? Yeah. Yeah. OK. Thank you. Is my dad in heaven? 'I'm sorry, I don't know where that is.' I see people out of life, you know? Somebody sees you in - like a midwife - and I see people out. I make sure that they can go at peace with everything in order. I've been with a lot of people as they die. It's been a privilege. I'm not scared of it. When he wasn't around, I just told myself he didn't love me. And that was fine cos I thought maybe he was happy. And then when I met him, I was happy but then I was sad cos I found out he had been missing me. I didn't want him to feel bad. But then we made it all OK. That's the amazing thing about life, you can just start again. Just rub it out, like a blackboard, start again. You know, I nearly didn't, I nearly didn't, but just in those last few months what I've known him, we made a whole life, OK? It's what you do from now. So, if you has an argument with someone, just say sorry. If you haven't spoken to someone for a long time, call 'em up now. If you haven't spoken to your mum, call her up. It's never too late, until it is. Kev! Go on, boy! Previously on "Nashville"... There's nothing left for me here. I got to start someplace else. Maddie is never gonna stop watching you. You have a responsibility here. - What is wrong? - I'm gay. I'm sorry, Layla. You think if your boyfriend found about your mistakes, he'd forget? - Tell me I heard wrong. - I don't deserve you. But don't make me be alone again. [Crowd cheering] And I was hoping to become your ball and chain. You and me, Ray. That's how it's supposed to be. I never should have taken it back. - I told you I can't be someone else. - Juliette, you are overreacting. I'm just stuck being stupid, screwed-up me. It's natural to be emotional when you just went through... I'm terrible! I'm terrible! I'm a horrible human being! I suck! And if you don't see that, then you're both either liars or idiots! Hey, let's... let's all just calm down. Juliette, what are you looking for? A pair of scissors! Do we not have a single pair in this house? - Thank you. - Do you need me to... No, I don't! [Door slams] From NPR, welcome to a very special evening of music, as we broadcast live from the Bluebird Cafe in Nashville, Tennessee. So glad they're letting us film this. I wasn't sure they'd be okay with us crashing their event. Are you nervous 'cause it's national? Yeah, that... that's got to be it. Listeners can tune in on the air and watch via our live streaming broadcast. Well, either way, your life changes completely. You realize that. Yes, I'm aware. I mean, this is marriage we're talking about. You know how I feel. I do know how you feel. Of course, I'm the one who's gonna have to live with the decision. I may not have to sleep with your decision, but we're all gonna be impacted by it one way or another. Oh, I know. Thank you for reminding me. As if I haven't been thinking about that all day. Mmm. I'll leave you to it. Hey. So... I'm gonna come tonight. I love you. So you made up your mind? Yeah, I did. Stupid girl. Stupid. I hate... So stupid. Thank you, thank you. You know, a lot of artists I respect have come through these doors and when I say artists, I mean that. That's why people come to the Bluebird. They know they're gonna see and hear the real deal. Three chords and the truth, is what they say. Anyway, I... I'm honored to be able to tell you mine. [Music starts playing] This is for my wife. ♪ What is it called when all that you want is to be around somebody ♪ ♪ They say that you fall but I don't know feels a little more like flying ♪ ♪ 'Cause even when I'm close to you it ain't close enough each and every kiss ♪ ♪ Ain't long enough I can't explain what my heart does ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh I don't care what we call it ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh as long as I can stay in this moment ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh this feeling, oh I can't fight it baby, no, I can't lie ♪ ♪ If it's love then I think I like it love and I think I like it ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh I don't care what we call it ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh as long as I can stay in this moment ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh this feeling oh, I can't fight it ♪ ♪ baby, no, I can't lie if it's love then I think I like it ♪ Luke Wheeler? What's he doing here? I think it's for me. Can you give me a minute? Hey. Why can't you just let her be happy? Why can't you? [Engine turns over] [Birds chirping] - Hey. - Hey. [Chuckles] Ohh. What are you doing here? Well, my kids will probably sleep till noon. I squared it with the nanny, snuck away to be with the woman I proposed to last night. [Chuckles] I'm thinking it is official. Oh, my goodness. [Chuckles] It certainly is. Oh, I tell you what. I've been married before, been in other relationships, but... what we got... it's damn near perfect. I guess timing really is everything. I guess it is. Avery! [Banging on door] Avery! I know you're in there! [Lock turns] Avery! [Breathing heavily] [Door slams] I know you said you needed time to think. Yeah, I meant more than a few hours. Yeah, but I have been up all night, literally sick to my stomach. I can't take not knowing where we stand. Oh, Juliette, it's, like, 6:00 in the morning. I need to know how you're feeling, what you think. I bared my soul to you, and you just turned and walked away. I was trying to explain to you why I am the way that I am. I appreciate your self-awareness, but it's a lot to ask of anyone. You said that you loved me. [Scoffs] Don't you have, like, some movie audition to get ready for today? Huh? God, how pathetic am I? I know your schedule better than you do. Avery, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. You have to forgive me. Please. I love you. I love you. Please. Juliette, I'm not trying to be mean, but right now... [Sighs] I can't stand the sight of you. You should go. Okay. I will. [Door opens, closes] Hey! Hey. I didn't wake you, did I? No, no. I was up early, anyway. I was trying to pack the rest of my stuff. Which includes that mug. Thank you. Is that a new song? I haven't heard that one before. Yeah, I'm gonna debut it tonight at the Bluebird at the NPR show that you're gonna be missing. That's my pen. Seriously? Thank you. You're gonna sing this at the Bluebird tonight? I was thinking about it. Did you think about the fact that Rayna's marrying Luke Wheeler? Yeah, well, they ain't gone down the aisle yet, have they? - Might be time to move on. - Or move away. I only came to Nashville to be with Avery and then those other things happened and now I can't go anywhere without everybody knowing that I went crazy... - Nobody thinks you're... - So... Seems like a pretty good idea to move home to me. And, like, what else do I do? There's... there's nothing left here for me. That's funny, 'cause I heard you had an Uncle and a cousin here in town. Well, I really don't know Maddie that well, and you're going out on tour. Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not. [Knock on door] - Come in. - Come in. - Hey. - Is that some kind of going away present? Uh, it's my, uh, overnight bag. Listen, Scarlett. I got to get the hell out of this town. Can I hitch a ride with you? [Door opens] You up yet? I brought you some coffee. Did you ever feel anything? [Sniffles] Did you ever love me... - At all? - Yes, I did. - I do. - Then can you change? I don't know. So what do we do? Camera crew's already setting up, so, I guess for now... we got to do the show. Hey. Thought I heard you playing. I mean, I don't have any homework, so unless we're not allowed to play at your house at all... Hold on, okay? Dad, she thinks you hate music. I came up here because I wanted to tell you I thought it sounded nice, that's all. And you know what? This isn't just my house. It's your house, too. Both of you. All right, Daphne, can I have a minute with your sister, please? - Dad. - No, please. Look, I... I know that it's... it's been harder between us lately. I just really wish that you could share with me what's going on with you. I don't have anything to say, dad. Okay, come on. You can't tell me that you don't have feelings about everything that's been happening lately. With your mom and Luke. Honey, you can tell me anything, and I promise you I'm not gonna... Dad, there's nothing to tell! Okay, but that reaction suggests to me that there is. Maddie, we cannot expect to have any kind of relationship at all if we're not willing to communicate. How am I supposed to talk to you about someone that I know that you hate? How am I supposed to tell you that I wanted mom to marry Deacon and not Luke? What a jackass. That he has the audacity to ask you to marry him on the same night that you said yes to someone else. I mean, that is so Deacon. You know what he's trying to do, right? He's trying to pull you into the same crazy-making drama that you two have been engaged in for years. No, what he's trying to do is not miss out on an opportunity that I didn't give him the first time around when I married Teddy. Why are you justifying his actions? You're not seriously considering his ridiculous proposal. I don't know, Tandy. I've loved that man for a very long time. But your relationship with Luke is healthy. We'll see about that, 'cause I'm gonna have to tell him about Deacon. Well, that's a bad idea. Well, I'm not very well gonna marry a man I can't be honest with. Still a bad idea. [Sighs] Damn it, girl. I'm gonna miss you, something fierce. I'm gonna miss you, too. Thank you for everything. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I owe you a thanks or two. I'm gonna get in the car before Avery cooks in it. [Telephone ringing] Uh-oh. Get it. I'll call you when I get there. Yeah, all right. All right, tell Maddie her cousin says hi. All right. You drive safe now. All right. [Car door closes] [Engine turns over] In my opinion, it is a mistake to leave. What the hell are you doing here? You are too talented. And you're too much of a good songwriter to... Gunnar, thank you. I appreciate the gesture and the compliment, but I got a long way to go. I don't belong here and never did. My head literally is about to explode. You haven't given yourself time to think it through. Yeah, I have. No. Remember that whole thing? It nearly killed me. Well, yeah, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Please stop talking. I really got to get on the road, guys. Gunnar, get out of the car. - No, you don't. - For the love of God, just go. Seriously, I am not getting out of this car till you come to your senses. I feel that strongly about it. Well, if you ain't leaving, you're going. What? Juliette? She hasn't picked up any of my calls, so I went looking for her and saw her car out front. She's got to be in there. Juliette, open the door! Come on. This could be an emergency. - You're the landlord. - I understand. Use your damn keys or I'll break this door down. - Please. - Yes, sir. Juliette? Juliette, are you okay? Honey? - Where's Avery? - Gone. - Then what are you doing here? - Trespassing, I guess. - We broke up. - What? Why? - Doesn't matter. - Okay, well, here's what matters... You have a movie audition in two hours. You're gonna be Patsy Cline, remember? No. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Listen to me. These film people came out here to find somebody who can sing as well as act the part of this icon. Every female vocalist in this town wants this part, including you. We... we are doing this in the same studio where Patsy recorded the song. For crying out loud, Juliette, this is a big deal. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna get up. - No. - You're gonna get a shower, and you're gonna nail this thing. Because, sweetie, that's what you do. [Sighs] You're right. It's what I do. - Let's go. - It's what I do. - Don't you have any A.C.? - It's all going out the window. It's not like I planned on taking a road trip with her. She just took off before I had the chance to... No, I know we're supposed to go to... Yeah, fine. I'm not sure why Zoey's mad at me for getting kidnapped, bue she is. By the way, we cross state lines, we're talking federal charges. I gave you the option. Your choice to be here is not my responsibility. Just drop him at the next bus depot. I will, but it's gonna be a while. I'm taking the Scenic Route. Seriously? Yep. Oxford, Mississippi, by way of the Natchez Trace Parkway. We're not exactly in a rush. Okay, I know how he got to be here, but I'm not sure why you're here. I know you broke up with Juliette and stuff, but you didn't say why. He... he didn't tell you the story? - Don't speak. - You know something I don't? I don't want to talk about it. You hear me? This is between Juliette and me and no one else. [Sighs] - Well, it wasn't just you two. - Oh, who'd she cheat with? I just said I don't want to talk about it, okay? It's not fair to her or to me! Damn, why you'd want to protect somebody who hooked up with a sleaze bag? What are you doing? You know what? Shut your damn mouth! Oh, stop it. Stop it, Avery! Get off of him! Tell him to get his damn hands off me! No, you stop it, as well! Do not make me pull over. Just stop it! I'm taking you both to the nearest bus station! You hear me? Okay. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. [Engine sputtering] - That's not good. - Where exactly are we? [Sputtering continues] I think I was probably here for most of them, but, how many times you figure you've played here over the years? Oh, man. 400? 500? A few less than you. How many times you been in your living room, up know? I mean, it's where we cut our teeth, right? You and me and lots of other artists, like Garth Brooks. Taylor Swift. - Rayna Jaymes. - That's right. Yeah. First time I ever played here was with Rayna. Right. And that relationship has been amazing over the years. You and she collaborated on what, about a dozen hits or so? Yeah, something like that. And you've even co-written her newest single. Yep. Mostly, though, what I've been focusing on is... Yourself. That's all right. I understand. For those of you who don't know, this young man is finally pursuing a solo career. That's right, Tom. I'm what's known as a late bloomer. But it's working for you. Touring with the top act in country music, Mr. Luke Wheeler, who, as we all now know, is engaged to your frequent collaborator. That's the word on the street. So what does that do with you and Rayna? Are you still gonna team up on songs? I'm pretty sure things are gonna work out the way they're supposed to. [Horse neighs] - Hey! - Hey! - How you doing? - Baby. - Thank you, sir. - Oh, you bet. - Hey. - Hey. What, you couldn't stay away from me? [Laughs] I couldn't, you know. We got so carried away this morning, we didn't... We never really got a chance to talk about last night. What about last night? Well... well, it was kind of a big night. Listen, listen, I know I put you on the spot by proposing to you like that, but... you have to know, it... it came from the heart. It was real to me. Felt right to me. I hope you felt that. I did. It's actually really what happened after that. Why? What happened after that? Well, Deacon came by the house. And? And... he... proposed to me. What'd you say? I didn't say anything. [Horse neighs] [Horse neighs] [Sighs] Look, I'm not gonna apologize for being more than a little ticked that Deacon did what he did, but... I get it. Be hard losing somebody twice. And if it's up to me, that's exactly what's gonna happen. But it's not just up to me. How are you feeling about all this? I feel... a lot of different things. I love you. But Deacon and I just have this... this thing. And we get tangled up in it. And it goes deep, you know? It's about what was and... what could be. Look. Here's what I do know. You're the one for me. There's no question in my mind, and I guess you just have to figure out at this point in your life, right now, who or what is gonna be right for you. - Yes, I do. - All right, listen. I'll go stag to this charity thing tonight if you'd rather have some more time. I don't want to pressure you or rush you any more than I already have, okay? [Sighs] You let me know what you want to do. They say what time the tow truck would get here? Nope. The, uh, dispatch lady was having a bad day. Bad life, maybe. Yeah, well, we all have our burdens. Our rotten childhoods or whatever. It doesn't justify lousy behavior as an adult. I don't know. Some scars run pretty deep, Avery. [Scoffs] Yeah, but how damaged do you have to be to sleep with Jeff Fordham? Tell you, it would have hurt a hell of a lot less if she'd fallen in love with another man instead of screwing that one and then expecting me to understand why. [Scoffs] I'm sorry. Scarlett, this is your road trip. I should be the one doing the listening. How are you? I'm fine. It's a little less meditative than I thought it would be. But can't say it hasn't been interesting. Being back in Mississippi with you is pretty weird. 'Cause if you'd asked me two years ago where I'd be today, I would have said living in Nashville, married to you. Yeah, a lot's changed since then, huh? You know, Scarlett, I never thought I deserved you. I always thought a better man would come along. Well, I can't be sure, but I may have gotten chiggers. Thank y'all so much for seeing me. Is there anything specific you want me to do with this or any directions? Yeah, in this scene, Patsy's just got in a fight with her second husband, one that's pretty physical, but she's still got to perform, so... I'll just sing, okay? ♪ I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely ♪ ♪ I'm crazy crazy for feeling blue ♪ ♪ I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted ♪ ♪ Then someday leave me for somebody new ♪ ♪ worry why do I let myself worry ♪ ♪ wondering what in the world did I do? ♪ I'm crazy thinking that my love could hold you ♪ ♪ I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying ♪ [Song ends] I'm sorry. ["Postcards from Mexico" plays] ♪ one day ♪ ♪ I saw him walking ♪ ♪ on the street ♪ ♪ we started talking ♪ ♪ downtown ♪ ♪ now we're moving ♪ ♪ in the rain ♪ ♪ Now we're grooving ♪ ♪ she smiled ♪ ♪ nothing happened ♪ ♪ so fine ♪ ♪ the beats working ♪ ♪ I knew ♪ ♪ honey, honey ♪ ♪ she'd be mine ♪ ♪ easy money ♪ Deacon. Babe, come on. We got a gig. Come on. Don't do this again. Let's go. ♪ I had a past ♪ ♪ red wine ♪ ♪ a dark past ♪ ♪ hotel ♪ ♪ I had a gun ♪ ♪ bad girl ♪ ♪ a big gun ♪ ♪ room service ♪ ♪ hair trigger ♪ ♪ I'm getting nervous ♪ ♪ I pull it ♪ ♪ all night ♪ ♪ Hammer down ♪ ♪ silk sheets ♪ ♪ lead bullets ♪ Hey. Can't find him? He's probably passed out somewhere. I mean, I go on in ten minutes. Well, I tell you what. Um, I know your set cold. I could cover for him out there and then help you look for him after. How would that be? That's real sweet, Luke. [Chuckles] Thank you. ♪ love goes ♪ ♪ love goes ♪ ♪ she's gone ♪ ♪ I'm gone ♪ ♪ To Mexico ♪ ♪ a postcard from Mexico ♪ Hey. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings, dad. You didn't. But you were wrong about what you said. I don't hate Deacon. You know, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have you, would I? No. And you're wrong about something else. I don't hate music. Oh, you and your sister need to go get dressed up. We're going out tonight. It's not some mayor thing, is it? Yeah, kind of. Go on. Get dressed. - [Sighs] It's a sign. - Would you stop? It is a sign that moving is a bad idea. The car is packed. I'm halfway to my new life and my new home. All right. Uh, replaced your alternator and its belt. Checked your battery. It's good for now. But you're gonna need a new one pretty soon, all right? Oh, thank you so much. Yes, ma'am. - I thought that was you. - Pardon? Scarlett... you're... you're that singer, right? One that had that nervous breakdown? Yeah, yeah. I seen it on the Internet. You ever get yourself any help? Yes, I did. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye. Thank you very much. Where's Avery? I really want to go right now. Uh, he's across the way. He said something about, uh, happy hour. [Knock on door] Oh, hey. Come on in. - How you doing today? - I'm good. Just getting ready for that live thing we're doing at the Bluebird. How are you? Don't do it, Rayna. I know he's a safe choice, but he's the wrong choice, and it's like I said. I'm not the man I was 20 years ago, or even 14. Hell, even one. - I know. - I've changed, Rayna. I know. I've changed, too. I have loved you, and I'm sure I'm gonna love you for the rest of my life, but I love him now. He's gonna be able to give me something that I'm just never - gonna be able to have with you. - And what's that? A clean slate. No painful memories that I'm always trying to forget. No addiction to hope against all the time. I don't deny my addictions, Rayna, but you can't deny my recovery... our recovery. And don't deny all the great times that we've already had together. And there's more to come. I mean, we had a daughter. I know. I know. Our lives are always gonna be connected. We are gonna raise her up together. But there's more than that, too. We also love each other. I mean, we're in love with each other, Rayna. Mnh-mnh. That's just the truth, no matter what you tell yourself or tell him. I need you to listen to me. Rayna, there's nothing we ain't been through. I get that. But we're through it. And me, I happen to believe that all of it, every single second, it was meant to be so that we could be right here, right now, at this place in time. The way things are right now, this is how we're gonna need to stay. Tell me you don't feel that and I'll let go. Or just come to the Bluebird tonight, baby, and just sing with me. And then you tell me you're gonna marry someone else. ♪ This heart of mine - Just passing through? - Yep. ♪ Could never see - Too bad. - You seem nice. Wish I could say the same about my ex. He's selfish, kind of unstable. Just no good. Me, too. I mean, my ex is no good. She's a terrible woman, you know? Why don't you buy me a drink and, uh, we can talk all about it? Hey! I think she's thirsty. Can't believe that guy recognized me. Well, that's the point I've been trying to make for the last 200 Miles. Wherever you go, there you are, and you're still who you are. You're an artist. You make music. I can do that anywhere, though, and there is something to be said for being closer to home. Look, you've got more family in Nashville than you do in Mississippi. And a hell of a lot more friends. You can't drive away from your problems, either. You got to just try and... fix your mistakes. To letting go of the past and embracing the future. You really think we can do this? - I think we can try. - And I'll tell you another thing. Sometimes she was just... just be, like, really selfish, you know? Just really selfish for no reason. Well, anyway. Thanks for the drink. - Whoa, hey! - What? - Is that my hand? - Hey! Get your hands off my woman! - Hey, you got to go. - Uh-oh. [Indistinct shouting] I can't feel my legs. Let's just get him to the car. Put him in the back. I'll get him. You start the car. You're gonna go back to jail. You're on parole! - You get back here! - Stop it! [Engine sputtering] - Ah! - Okay, go, go, go! - Get back here! - Whoo-hoo! Juliette, can I come in? Juliette? [Juliette crying] Oh, my... What the hell did you do? I hate me. - I just... - Oh God. I... I lost everything that meant anything to me. The part, my soul, Avery. Okay, listen, listen. You might have lost Avery, but you didn't lose your soul, or the part. I just got off the phone with the producers. They loved you. They were blown away by the emotional depth you brought for to the song. They... they want to screen-test you for the lead. - Seriously? - Yes. Yes. So you can either sit here with the bad hair, or you can get off your butt and go win the role you were born to play. Is that... is that soon? Is that... I don't feel good. I mean, like, I'm getting sick. Okay. Then we'll get your doctor over here to check you out, but you are not gonna throw away the opportunity of a lifetime just because you got dumped. [Applause] Sounded good. Thanks. Layla. Where you been? I've been looking all around. Are you a psychopath? - How can you do that? - Shh! Shh! How can you just lie like that? All right, just keep it down and talk to me, all right? Because I can't, Will. I can't just pretend to be happy. Okay, all right. All right. Let's just... Let's go inside and talk about it. - On in ten. - Okay. Hey. You all right? I'm great. Maybe we should just pull the plug, you know? Call it quits before it goes any further, before you get any more hurt. You mean, like, get a divorce? Yeah. Okay. [Knock on door] Can I come in? Amazing, Will. We got some great stuff. We'll get even more at the second set. Thank you. You wanted to see me? Yeah. Um... [Clears throat] Layla and I... - We want off the show. - What? Yeah, we're... we're not happy. - We're splitting up. - Here's the thing. The only way my company makes money is by delivering the show that we sold to the network. Now, if we need to opt out of delivering that show, we have to explain why. You can just tell them that we don't want to do it anymore. Why don't you take a look at the dailies we just got back? - What is it? What is wrong? - Material shot last night. Gina, I know we made a commitment to the show, but I don't... I'm gay. See, the show we sold was about newlyweds on the rise in country music. And I'm pretty sure that the network we sold it to doesn't want a show about a gay cowboy and his naive wife. [Sighs] I really love you guys. Yeah, we love you, too, man. I'm so glad this near-death experience has brought you closer together. Gunnar is not just my friend. He's like my bro, you know? Scarlett "blue sky" O'Connor, you're like my... my girl-bro. You know, I think we might have just saved his life back there. I don't think I could have done it by myself. - I'm glad you came. - Yeah, me too. You know, there's not a lot of signs on these country roads, but I'm pretty sure the mile markers are counting down in the wrong direction. - Do you know where you're going? - Yeah. Home. I actually like this a lot better. It's great. Okay. I think I'm done here. Did a preliminary urine test. I'll send the rest with your blood work to the lab and call you when the results are in. Great. I'm feeling a lot better. I think I just need something to help me sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of that lately. Can we talk privately for a moment? If this is about doctor-patient confidentiality, I don't care if they know I take xanax. I'm not giving you anything. And why the hell not? Because you're pregnant. - Deacon, surprise! - Hey! - Happy to see you. - You too. - Deacon. - Hey. How are you doing today? Good. So you brought the girls. - Yeah, sure. - Yeah. And dad's letting me stay up late. [laughs] I guess I better kick some tail then, huh? - Is your mom on her way? - Uh, I don't think so. - Is she supposed to be? - Right this way, mr. Mayor. - I have a table reserved for you. - Oh, great. Great. Girls? - Ladies. - Good luck. I cannot believe you did this for us, honestly. Oh, why wouldn't I? You know she thinks you're a nerd. A nerd? I don't know. Sometimes being a mayor can be pretty cool. Hello! How we doing? Good to see you. - Hey. Hey, good seeing you. - Where's Rayna? Is she coming tonight? Well, now, shouldn't the first question tonight be about the great work the T.J. Martell foundation is doing? It's good to see you, Katrina. Hey! How are you? I'm not going to tell you how I know but I happen to know that this next gentleman has lived a wild and tempestuous life and he's got the songs and the scars to prove it. He's a legendary musician, a gifted songwriter and a talented performer in his own right. I'm glad to call him my friend. Ladies and gentlemen, Deacon Claybourne. [applause] Luke, any comment about the upcoming wedding? Have you set a date? Uh, well, it just happened, hon, so give us a minute and a half to get used to the idea. Can you at least comment about the ring? - How many carats? - Uh, seven. That's my lucky number. Oh, it's Rayna! [Cheers and applause] Rayna! Rayna! - Sorry I'm late. - I'm just glad you're here. I love you. And the person you've always been to me. Rayna, can we get a shot of the ring? [Cheers and applause] Thank you. I've been told that we're going out there live tonight, which is great... means a lot of people might be listening or maybe even watching who appreciate the authenticity of this great place. A whole lot of magic's been made here. But there's no smoke and mirrors, no autotune. What you hear is what you get. This first song might have a few more than three chords, but it's the truth. ♪ My broken promises broke your heart ♪ ♪ time and time again ♪ ♪ I let everything fall apart ♪ ♪ I was such a fool back then ♪ ♪ but you loved me once, I know ♪ ♪ So many sorries ago ♪ ♪ So here I am ♪ ♪ and I just pray ♪ ♪ that you will listen long enough ♪ ♪ To hear me when I say ♪ ♪ this brand-new man ♪ ♪ won't let you down ♪ ♪ if you let me show you ♪ ♪ I know how to love you now ♪ ♪ I see that look in your eye ♪ ♪ you're scared ♪ ♪ and I understand why ♪ ♪ so am I ♪ ♪ but here I am ♪ ♪ and I just pray ♪ ♪ that you will listen long enough ♪ ♪ to hear me when I say ♪ ♪ this brand-new man ♪ ♪ won't let you down ♪ ♪ if you let me show you ♪ ♪ I know how to love you now ♪ ♪ girl, let me show you ♪ ♪ I know how to love you now ♪ ♪ You get your hands in it ♪ ♪ plant your roots in it ♪ ♪ dusty headlight dance with your boots in it ♪ ♪ you write her name on it ♪ ♪ spin your tires on it ♪ ♪ Build your corn field, whiskey bonfires on it ♪ ♪ you bet your life on it ♪ ♪ It's that elm shade, red rust clay you grew up on ♪ ♪ That plowed-up ground that your dad damned his luck on ♪ ♪ That post-game party field you circle up on ♪ ♪ And when it rains you get stuck on ♪ ♪ Drift a cloud back behind ♪ ♪ county roads that you run up ♪ ♪ The mud on her jeans ♪ ♪ that she peeled off and hung up ♪ ♪ Her blue-eyed summertime smile ♪ ♪ looks so good that it hurts ♪ ♪ Makes you wanna build ten percent down ♪ ♪ white picket fence house on this dirt ♪ ♪ You know you came from it ♪ ♪ and some day you'll return to it ♪ [cheers and applause] Thank you guys so much. This is heaven. This is absolute heaven. Yeah, you mean spending the day with your future husband? No, no. Not that. Not that? No, no, no. I mean, not only that. It's 2:00. I'm in my P.J.s. We're reading the newspapers. I never get to do this. Because you never take any time off. All we have to do is loaf around. There's no work, no goals other than to waste hours on end. Okay. Stop describing my life. Though there is one thing we should get done today. We need to pick a font for our "save the date" cards. Really? We're gonna do that? We don't even have a venue yet. Yeah. I find deadlines... inspiring. How about this one? No. It's too frilly. Agreed. And this... ooh, this is... far too severe. You will save the date now. Oh, I like that one. You? Mm, I'm not really feeling it, though I guess, uh, you could convince me. I bet I could. Yeah, I mean, you'd have to work pretty hard to win me over, but, um... Well, I'm prepared to do just that. Because it's clear to me that what we both need right now is a really good font. Yes, we do. That's so true. Oh! And worst timing ever. Beckett. Detective, how soon can you get here? Uh, sir, I'm actually not on call today. I'm aware of that, but something has come up, and I'm afraid it can't wait. Well, I can get there in 20 minutes. One more thing... come alone. Do not bring Mr. Castle. Uh... Yes, sir. So, what's Gates up to aside from sabotaging our domestic bliss? I don't know. - But I got to go. - Huh. I don't suppose I could convince you to just... - No. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. It's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm fine. I'll just, uh... I'll do some writing... If I can... manage to focus. Yo, Beckett. I thought you were off. Was that the deputy commissioner? Yeah, there's been more brass through here than a marching band. What's going on? It's all need-to-know, and we didn't make the list. But whatever's happening is going down in that conference room. Detective. - Yep. - Yep. - Beckett. - Sorry. Yeah. Detective Beckett, Captain Fowler, head of narcotics. Thank you for coming, detective. Mm-hmm. What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room. Yeah. Understood, sir. These six victims had their throats cut. They were mid-to upper-level drug dealers. Two were teenagers. They were all murdered in the past few months when a new drug ring muscled in and took over most of the uptown heroin and cocaine trade. A new drug ring? Well, who are they? The commissioner asked me to find that out and shut them down, but they're invisible, these guys. They don't use banks, so we can't follow the money. They make sure their street dealers never meet their suppliers. So, when you bust a dealer, he doesn't know who he's working for. Exactly. So, three months in, and we have nothing. We don't even know any of their names, except for Lazarus. - And who is Lazarus? - The leader. Not his real name, of course. Then yesterday, a phone intercept led us to this woman... Elena Markov. She copped to being a low-level drug courier in the ring. Born in Russia, she came here as a mail-order bride, divorced her husband. She learned to speak English better than we do and was getting by as a freelance translator. She'd never been in trouble before, at least not till now. I needed work, and I heard about a way to make money. All I had to do was call a number, so I did. But once I got in, I couldn't get out. Who was your contact in the ring? I didn't have one. I would get a text with a time and a place, and I'd get a package with a note hidden inside that would tell me where to take it. Did you ever, um, see anyone? Did you ever interact with anyone? No. Everything was anonymous. I don't know them. They don't know me. It... it needs to stay that way. Look, I... I just want to get my life back. It looked like another dead end. Then this morning, Elena got another text from the ring. This time, they wanted to meet her to offer her a promotion. Which would give you guys a chance to get eyes on someone. It's the break we've been waiting for. So, we leveraged Elena to take the meet, but she tried to commit suicide. She's in intensive care under police guard. Sir, I'm sorry to hear about that, but what does this all have to do with me? The meeting is set for 5:00 today, and a chance like this is not gonna come back around, so we combed the NYPD database for someone about Elena's age and appearance who speaks fluent Russian, in case that's relevant. Only one name came up... yours. You want me to go in her place? To the Widmark. Show up, meet your contact, and leave. In and out. What if they found out that you turned Elena and that this is all a trap? Then they wouldn't be meeting at the Widmark Hotel. We were very careful. No one knows she's made contact with us. Still, there's the risk that they could see detective Beckett and realize that she's not Elena. In the text, they asked Elena to wear a red scarf, which tells us that they don't know her on sight. My people will be in place watching every move you make. We can even fit you with a monitored mike, if you like. I... Detective, something big is going on out there, and this is our best chance to find out what. But the meeting's in two hours, so I need your answer. Reinforcements. Castle. Wow. You sound like you are getting a lot of writing done. I blame you for that. When are you coming back? Uh, I don't know. A couple hours? I have a meeting. A... and don't ask me what it is. Well, now I have to ask. It... Look, I... I have to get going. I should be back in time for dinner. Maybe we can have a glass of wine together. I will decant something amazing. Okay. I love you. Bye. I have to tell you I don't care for Captain Fowler's hard-sell tactics. This is a narcotics operation. It's not your problem, so you can walk away and I'll take the heat. Thank you, sir, but I... I can handle this. Then they're ready to review the plan and give you a final briefing. Remember, don't move like a cop. You're Elena. You're intimidated by these guys. They've been leveraging you for two months. There will be five plainclothes officers in the lobby and more throughout the hotel. Head to the north elevator and go to the 11th floor. The meet is in room 1123. Undercover officers up there will have your back. Stay calm, memorize names and faces of whomever you meet, and you'll be out in no time. - Hello. - Hi. Which floor? 11. Okay. Don't move a muscle. Elevator just got to 11. It's empty. She's not here. She is not here. Castle 6x17 - In the Belly of the Beast Original air date March 3, 2014 This is detective Kate Beckett. If you can hear me, I've been abducted. I'm in a white cube van, New York plates. We've been traveling for about 20 minutes. We've been making a lot of turns, but I think we're headed east. Captain Fowler, if you can hear me, this is seriously ruining my dinner plans. You promised me that you had her back. What happened? We were set up for a simple meet, not an orchestrated kidnapping. The security cameras... did they get a shot of who did this? They were disabled momentarily throughout the hotel. What about the mike Beckett had on? We stopped receiving audio after she got in the elevator. The signal strength drops in enclosed spaces. And let me guess... whoever was in room 1123 didn't know about a meeting because there never was gonna be one. Look, we've issued a limited alert. Limited alert? ! We need to call in the cavalry here. We know the drug ring tracks police radios. Sending up a flare could make things worse. They must have known that your girl rolled on them, or they made Beckett. Either way, she's dead if we don't find her immediately. Gentlemen, we have a situation. We've been driving for about an hour now, maybe more. Uh, two-lane road, not a lot of traffic, um... We're slowing down. We've stopped. I've got to get rid of this thing. Get on your knees and face the wall toward the cab. Do not move. Don't turn around. Time to see if you're wearing a wire. I'm not wearing a wire. Yeah, we'll see about that. This is detective Kate Beckett. I'm unavailable at the moment, but please leave a message. Well, I know you have plans with Katherine this evening, so I'm going to make myself scarce. Oh, very nice. I'm off to a revival of "Brighton Beach Memoirs." Ha. Pray for me. What's the matter? I... I can't get ahold of Beckett. I texted her. I left messages. This isn't like her. Maybe she got tied up at the precinct. Have you tried Ryan or Esposito? I called them both... just go straight to voice-mail. Just... something is not right. So, what happens now? It's not my call. Is that who we're waiting for? They're in that room? You sound worried. Should I be? What the hell makes you so special? I'm not special. I don't know anything. I just move packages. I'm not a threat to anyone. You can just drop the act. Let's go. You're up. You are Elena Markov? Yes. It's good to finally meet you. You can call me Mr. Jones, and this is Mr. Harden. Hey. I'm sorry for the lengths we go to to have a meeting, but these are the times we live in. Uh, can I get you anything? A drink? No. Thank you. Good. To business, then. You should know how much we value your services, Lazarus in particular. Well, I do the best I can. But always as a freelancer. What we want to do is offer you a permanent position with our organization. That's per week, of course. How does that strike you? It's very generous. But I'm gonna need to meet Lazarus. That's not an option. I need to know who I'm doing business with. It's a matter of trust. All right. I'll pass along the request, but you'll remain our guest here until I get an answer. Please see Miss Markov to a bedroom. Sir, can I have a word, please? Sure. Would you excuse me, please? Yes. - What's the problem? - She's the problem. She's all wrong. Look, I've been watching her. She acted like she didn't know why she was here. Esposito. Javi, Javi, it's me. Beckett, where are you? We've got half the force looking for you? Hey! No. Listen. Get a trace on this phone. Get eyes on me. I don't know where I am or who the hell Elena Markov is, but her story is a lie. She is more than just a low-level courier. You never like it when we bring new people in, especially above you. That's not what it is, not this time. Okay, she was afraid. All right, you keep an eye on her, and if she is wrong, then you get to do the honors, okay? Let's go. Are you telling me that we can't trace Beckett's call? It's a voice-over-Internet line fed through an anonymizer. Okay, but can we at least narrow it down to the area where the call was made? No, it was routed through the Ukraine, bounced all over Europe. These guys know security. Captain, why did Beckett tell us that Elena Markov was more than just a courier? I have no idea. So, there's nothing about her that you haven't told us? Absolutely not. Every part of her story checked out, but... But what? We didn't have enough time to go deep, not with things moving this fast. We didn't even know miss Markov until yesterday. Well, maybe you didn't know her at all. Looks like we can fix that. The hospital just called. She's conscious. Go talk to her. Get to the bottom of this. I'll go with you. She knows me. Hey, you guys have not been returning my calls. Where's Beckett? Mr. Castle, why don't you come into my office? - Hurry it up! - Quickly. - Over here. - Let's go. - Come here. Do we have any idea where she is? Traffic-cam footage caught a white van heading away from the Widmark right when she was abducted. We think she was in it, and we're trying to track it down. There are reasons for hope here. I'd love to hear them. First of all, they didn't make her as a cop. They think she's Elena Markov, which buys us time. She's pretending to be Elena when she doesn't know who Elena is? She can't keep that up forever. Well, hopefully, she won't have to. Once Elena tells us everything that she knows about this, it could lead us to Beckett. Miss Markov regained consciousness about an hour ago. She's stable, so we transferred her out of ICU. Has she said anything yet? Just that she's glad to be alive. So, she's lucid? Yes, but she's also extremely weak from her ordeal, so, please, I'd ask that you limit your time with her as much as possible. We need answers, so we're gonna question her as long as it takes. Room's just up here... 3410. I thought you had an officer guarding her. We do. He must be inside with her. Elena Markov, NYP... son of a bitch. We have an officer down! Officer down! Elena's gone. Either she killed him and fled... Or someone else did and they grabbed her. If they took Elena, that means Beckett's cover's blown. She's as good as dead. Dear Rick, I don't know how much time I have, even to write this letter. What I do know now is that I'm in this, and the only way I'm gonna make it out alive is to see this through. I'm sure everyone is looking for me, and if they figure out I was here, CSU's gonna search this house. They're gonna look for blood, and they will find it, which will lead them to this letter. Babe, it's your letter, and I hope you never have to read this... that I can tell you all of these things in person, but if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man, and I love you with all of my heart. Always. Mr. Jones wants a word. Let's go. I've got surprising news. Lazarus agreed to meet with you if you agree to an assignment. What assignment? You complete the assignment, you get the meeting. Take it or leave it. Deal. What do I have to do? What you do best. Kill him. Make it clean. We're here. Where's here? All you need to know is that the target's in that house. Is he alone? As far as I know. Use this. Lazarus doesn't want it to be connected to your other kills. Well, he's got to be important. Who is he? He's the next name on the list. What does he do? Why are you so curious all of a sudden? You ever hear of recon? I like to know what I'm walking into. Is he a cop, is he a drug dealer, are there guns in the house? Curiosity keeps me alive. The guy's a civilian, a nobody. If he's a nobody, then why are we killing him? Because they told us to. Look, is there... is there a problem here? Yeah, there's a problem. I don't work like this. I do my homework, I control the variables, and this is sloppy. You know, maybe Lazarus wanted to see how well you improvise. You know, maybe I do, too. Now... are you gonna kill him or what? Who in the hell are you? ! It's done. Show me. What? No. We don't have time for this. I said show me. Now. Like I said. I'm done auditioning. You tell Lazarus he wants to play games and this deal's off. Yeah, we should get back. Just got off with the hospital security again. The building's locked down. We got teams going through, but there's no sign of Elena. And we still have no idea who this woman really is. I'm afraid we do. Security video shows her leaving her room alone, and the officer's throat was cut in the same exact manner as the murdered drug dealers... same angle, same left-handed stroke favoring the carotid. That's what those text messages meant about packages being delivered. She wasn't a courier for the ring. She was their contract killer. A contract killer? ! That's who Beckett is out there impersonating - and you didn't know? - Mr. Castle... And now this woman is out there somewhere? Do you have any idea what's gonna happen to Beckett when the real Elena shows up? We're doing everything we can. Well, it's not enough. Hey, come on, man. This is Gates. What? Where? She told me to get down on the floor, and then she said she was a cop and that if I wanted to live, I had to do exactly what she said. And then she went to the kitchen and she came back with ketchup and... and... and beet juice and... and she told me to lie as still as possible and to hold my breath. Mr. Potter, did she say anything else about where she was, where they were keeping her? Yeah. She said it was some kind of a compound. She didn't know where but that she would try to get a message out soon. At least we know she's still alive. This guy who was with her. Did you see his face? No. I had my head down. Do you have any idea why members of a drug ring would want you dead? No. That's not my world. You're an attorney at Tyre, Potter, and Langston. What kind of law do you practice? It's mostly corporate... trust administration. Do you do any criminal law? No, none. I hate this. She's out there somewhere, has no idea how much danger she's in, and I can't help her. No, you can't. But this is Beckett we're talking about. But she's also a damn good cop, so don't sell her short. She'll figure out a way to let us know what's going on, and when she does, we'll get her out. What if it's not in time? So, how did it go? The package was delivered without any issues. Good. Clean yourself up. Lazarus wants to see you. You're getting out of here... alive. Sorry. I really have to pee. Do you mind? No, it's fine. Thank you. Great gig, huh? Yeah, it's amazing. I don't know who these guys are, but they sure like to spend money. Come on. He's waiting. This way. You keep him in the basement? He likes it there. He thinks it suits him. After you. What's the matter? You've never seen a counting room before? Yes. But never to this scale. Lazarus is a man of enormous appetites. I'm impressed you've been able to hide this from the feds. You don't know the half of it. Wait here. He's ready. Come in. I apologize for the delay. I had to resolve a business matter. Of course. I don't usually do this... meet like this. But for you, I'll make an exception. Between our needs and your skill set, this could be a very profitable arrangement. I agree. Good. So, now that we've met, why don't we formalize our arrangement? You are not Elena. What do you mean? I know you. No. No, I don't think you do. No, no, no. I never forget a face. Detective Beckett. Oh, no, no, no. She is a cop? Homicide out of the 12th. Last time I saw you, you tried to put me through a wall. Accused me of murdering your mama. And from the look on her face, she remembers me. Don't you, detective? Vulcan Simmons. You're Lazarus? Yo, guys. It's her. It came in from an unknown number. But that's her badge number. It's got to be her. "Addr is 5." She was trying to send an address. Looks like she got cut off. Run that phone number. Find out who owns it and find out where it is. Right. Let's do it without all this Kabuki theater, detective. It's undignified. Tell me what I want to know, and I'll give you a proper death without all this messy suffering. Now what was your mission and what do they know about Lazarus? Do you want undignified? Then wait till you see what I do to you. You know, you're just like your mom... both playing in worlds where you don't belong. Your mother paid for it with her life. So will you. But first tell me what I want to know. Yo. Just got off with the carrier. Any idea whose phone it is? It's a pre-paid. There's no way to identify the owner. I got a hit. The signal originated from a tower in Scarsdale. Great. Can you lock on the location? No. The message pinged off a single tower. Without a second or third tower, there's no way to narrow it down. Depending on signal strength, it could have originated anywhere within this 10-mile radius. It would be easier to find a needle in a haystack. Can you ping the GPS? It's off, and it looks like the phone's off, as well. I'm sorry. I've got no other way to trace it. That's the best I can do. I know your lungs are burning. I can feel the panic in your soul. All you want is for this to end. And I promise I will end it. Just tell me what I want to know. Scrub the place. Find a patch of dirt to put her in... somewhere where she won't be found. I love these woods. My daddy used to take me hunting up here when I was a kid. I spent days learning every rock, every tree, all the secret little places to hide. Over the years, it's come in handy. You know, I had you made from the moment you walked through the door. I could see it in your eyes. I thought, "no way this woman's a killer." No. You don't want to kill me, Harden. You know that I'm a cop. Yeah, I've killed cops before. In fact, a few of them are your new neighbors. My people will hunt you down. They will kill you. But we can make a deal. You help me take down Lazarus, you can set any deal you want. No, I'm good with the deal I got. Thank you. Elena. You got balls. I'll give you that. You're not gonna kill me? He sent me because he owed you. He said he wanted you to live. Who sent you? Who wanted me to live? Lazarus. Tactical teams raided the compound at 0600 this morning, shortly after your call. The place was empty. Everything's gone. The mansion itself is held in a trust by an offshore corporation. It'll be months before we find out who the real owners are. If ever. And what about Vulcan Simmons? My team picked him up this morning in Washington Heights... nowhere near the compound. They've been questioning him all morning, but... He had an alibi for last night. We'll go after him, but without evidence, it will difficult to make any of your allegations stick. Are you saying we have nothing? No, not nothing. Future Forward? Yeah, part of the money-laundering operation... whatever it was, they are funneling a lot of cash into that account. See what happens when I leave you alone? Babe, I wasn't alone. When they were interrogating me, the only thing that kept me going was thinking about you, about our future, the wedding. You were with me the whole time. Well, at least it's not a total loss. Now that the police know that Vulcan Simmons is Lazarus, they'll be watching him. He will not be able to rebuild his operation. He's not Lazarus. If he was, then I would be dead. Vulcan Simmons is just a figurehead. Someone else is behind this, someone higher up, someone who wanted me alive. Who? Someone bigger. This can't be right. I'm afraid it is, sir. You're saying that's what Future Forward is... a political super pac? That's where the money was going? Yeah, and that's a connection to Evan Potter, our would-be victim. Potter did all the legal work to establish the super pac for a client of his... a wealthy hedge-fund manager with significant political connections named Jason Kochler. It would appear as if drug money were being funneled into Future Forward's accounts. Nearly $160 million in the past several months. It was then legally laundered, passing through an anonymous shell corp and second secret super pac. What do you mean "legally laundered"? - Where's that money now? - It's gone. Federal tax and banking laws that regulate these kind of super pacs make it impossible for us to find out where that money actually came from or went. Well, someone must be able to tell us. Evan Potter. No. He just set up the pac for Kochler. He didn't run it. Then we need to bring Jason Kochler in here. We can't. He died of a heart attack this morning. That's why you couldn't find the money. Someone's using it to build a massive political war chest. But who? It's impossible to know. Those of you who know me know that I've gotten where I am today by doing whatever it takes to get the job done. That is the kind of leadership this country needs, and that is why I am forming an exploratory committee for a run for the presidency of the United States. Senator Bracken, an early front runner, is rumored to have significant funding already lined up from major contributors. Hiding behind Vulcan Simmons, funding his campaign with dirty money, killing whoever gets in his way, just like he did with my mom. It's him. And we have no way of proving it. Maybe the feds will find something. No. Bracken is so well-insulated. It's genius, actually. He has all the campaign funds that he needs without having to compromise or be beholden to any special-interest groups. But if it really was him, why wouldn't he just let you die in the woods? Why would he send Elena to save you? Because when I stopped the assassination last year, I saved him. And he told me that he owed me. And now we're even. So the next time that we see each other... Come to bed. Let's put something inside and bury it. Are we going to dig it out in the future? Yeah. With the current medical technology there is no cure. You will need to manage living with this disease for the long term. How many years from now? Three years. Okay, three years. The muscles all over your body will weaken. You will have difficulty in talking and there will be a respiratory problem. I got the job offer. Congrats. In most cases, in three to five years from the onset of symptoms... patients will have paralyzed respiratory muscles... and die. You should only do this to your girlfriend. I don't know why... but I want to protect you. The name of the disease is ALS. Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. [Sawada Takuto] [Spring of the first year of work] [The Reference Booklet for New Employees] [Basic Knowledge of Furniture] Seriously? - Good morning. - Good morning. Can I have some too? Sure. - I think it's dying. - Dying? This fluorescent light bulb. It flickers when you turn it on and off. It does? I'll buy a new one. Mainly, there are two kinds of mattresses. Bonnell coils and Pocket coils. A Bonnell mattress has coils that are joined together. It lets air through and is inexpensive. - Pocket coils are... - Could you please wait? Was I going too fast? I'm sorry. Since a full-time employee like you has a college degree... I thought you could memorize things without taking notes. Why are you still looking for a job after you graduated from college? I have been on the job hunt ever since graduation... but I couldn't get any offers. Were you too relaxed? I thought I was trying my best. Why do you think you couldn't get any job offers? I haven't been able to analyze myself yet. I wonder if you will succeed by getting interviewed without thinking. Um, what do you think is missing from me? What? I'm sorry. [Sawada Takuto] [It's been a while.] [What have you been doing? ] [Seifu University Graduation Ceremony] Can we see each other again? Yes. I'll call you. Welcome. Have you been waiting long? No, I just got here. Sorry to contact you suddenly. Don't worry. I've been meaning to call you, but I couldn't. But today, it looked like I could leave early. Sounds like it's hard work. Hey, are you playing a character at work? I wish I could say 'a hard working new employee...' - but I'm desperate in reality. - I see. I was thinking to call you when I got a job offer, but... - it's not happening. - I see. Should we order something? Sure. Looking for a job after being out of school makes me think of many things. What kinds of things? I've been figuring out why I couldn't get any job offers when I was in school. And did you find an answer? Rather than doing what I wanted to do, I just wanted to be a full-time employee. Maybe that's why I couldn't find a job. The best choice is to get a job that I like and I'm good at doing. The second choice is to get a job that I don't like but I'm good at. The third choice is I like the job but I'm not good at it. I really want to avoid getting a job that I'm not good at doing and I hate. How about your job, Takuto? I'm not sure yet. Why is that? I can't tell until I'm fully trained, because now I just have a sales floor position... But I might get transferred to the development department or the marketing department. Is there any department that you want to work in? I don't know yet. I will think about it later. I see. But I wonder if it's best to get a job that you like and you are good at doing. What do you mean? You hate your job and you aren't good at it but you make ten million yen a year. Or you make two million a year by doing what you like and are good at. - Which one would you choose? - What? It's hard to choose, isn't it? Can you say it again? Thank you for the food. No problem. It doesn't look like it'll stop raining. I have one. Do you watch the weather forecast? My mom told me to take one. I see. Are you going to open it? Do you want to come in? I'll hold it. Why don't you link arms with me? What? That way you won't get wet. Okay. By the way, do you want to come over to my house? Let's have dinner with the others. With the others? Mamoru will come if I invite him. And you can invite your friend too, Megu. Okay. Do you like grilled food? Yes, thank you. Is there anything you can't eat? No. I thought so. - How about you, Takuto? - No. I want to help people. What? No matter what kind of job I have, I wish I could be helpful to someone. I wish. Subtitles by DramaFever [The Hours of My Life] Good morning. - Good morning. - I'm off to work! Yes. How long are you going to sleep? I've been up for a long time. What are you doing today? I am working until late afternoon and then going out with Hina afterwards. So I don't need to make dinner for you. Right. I'll be having grilled food. How about next Sunday? I need you to come with me somewhere. What is it? Volunteer work for the local community. They asked me because they are short-handed. Okay. Sure. I'm counting on you. Now I have to go to work. - Bye. - Okay, bye. I told you this before, didn't I? You did? How old are you, Hongo-san? I'm 22. What? We are the same age. Are you a student? I graduated this spring. Didn't you look for a job? I am still looking for a job. Oh, I see. I see. I see. That's what it is. That's tough. But a part-timer training a full-time worker... It's hard for both of us, don't you think? At this rate, I won't be able to find a full-time job this year again. I'm happy being temporary staff. I can leave on time. I guess I should include that as an option. Should we go? No, in a little bit. Hey, did you already do it with Takuto-kun? - What? I wouldn't do that. - How about a kiss? Not yet. You really haven't done anything? No. Boring. - Ah, but... - What is it? We shared an umbrella. Shared an umbrella? Oh please. And we linked arms too. Here it is. This one. Um, good evening. I'm his younger brother. Please come in. Thank you. Long time no see. Oh, Hina-chan. Takuto said he would be late. He wants us to start without him. - Oh really? - Yeah. Well, I'm going. Hey, why don't you join us? I'm a minor and I have to study anyway. I see. Maybe he doesn't like me? I didn't know he lives with his brother. Yeah, he is a freshman at Touto medical school. - What? He is a future doctor? - Yeah. I bet he will succeed his father's hospital after he becomes an experienced doctor. His father is a doctor? Yeah, you didn't know? No. What did you buy? At home, I played the role of a child who lived up to my parents' expectations. In high school, when I couldn't fulfill my parents' expectations anymore... I played the character of a frivolous guy at home and school. Hey. Yes. That's over here. What? This should be over there. It's reversed. I'm sorry. You are really useless. I'm sorry. I'm new. Thank you for your support. You are making more work. I can't stand working with this full-timer. Hey guys, can you place the beds again? What? Again? Please give me a break. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Start working. - Yes. I think Takuto wants it. No. - Well... - You should eat it, Mamo-chan. No, I'm okay. Takuto likes the burnt part. - He really does. - Sorry, I'm late. You are late. Hi. That looks delicious. I was going to eat that piece of meat... but Megu-chan got mad and said it was for you. If I didn't say anything, it looked like you were going to eat everything. Thank you. - Well, sorry for being late. - Now... Hina-chan and I are leaving, right? - What? - What? We already ate a lot. Ah, right... - Thank you for the food. - What is this suddenly? Megu-chan, can you clean up later? Thank you. Hey. Well, we are taking off. - Good night. - Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us. What happened to them? I think they are trying to leave us alone. Let's eat. Tasty. Do you have a boyfriend, Hina-chan? I'm sure you do. You are so pretty, like a model. - How tall are you? - I don't have one. What? I'm really picky. How picky? - Do you want to know? - I do. I usually don't tell this to guys. But it's okay because it's you, Mamo-chan. You mean you are only telling me? Guys usually lose interest in me, if I tell. But since it's you it's okay. I'm not sure if I should be happy but I guess it's okay. This is my Prince Charming. See? You lost interest in me! Oh, that's not it. My ideal woman is... Winry. That really turned me off. What? You have one too. It's okay for me to do it. She does look like her. I think I need to change the way I search for jobs. Hey, I feel like I've been the only one talking for a long time. I think it's a good idea. My job search hasn't gotten better but I have some good news. What is it? I got a 50 yen raise at my part-time job. Oh. I asked for a raise. I thought he wouldn't one but he did easily. You've been working there for a long time, right? I started when I was a freshman in college, so it's been four years. Then you should get a raise. You are right. I even teach a new full-time employee too. He is so useless. He creates more work. It's much easier if he doesn't come. What's wrong? Nothing. Right. I know. What is it? No one wanted to hire me as a full-time employee. I shouldn't say bad things about a full-time employee, right? I wasn't thinking that. Then what is it? It doesn't matter if you are a part-time or a full-time worker. It doesn't matter? It makes no difference to the customers. - You should get along with... - You can say that... because you are a full-time employee. You don't understand how I feel. That's not true. I have to get a full-time job. I have to pay back my scholarship. You don't understand how I feel either, Megu. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me at your place. Are you crying? Don't ask things like that. You shouldn't make a woman cry. Teacher. How is the new teacher? Are you two getting along? The new teacher is a woman. It's tiring to deal with women. My mom is enough. Is your mom busy as usual? Sometimes she comes home after I go to bed. I think my dad comes home much later than that. I see. Are you off from work? - Yeah, but I'm still working. - What do you mean? There are many things I need to learn. Do you still have to learn even when you become a grown-up? Yes. I wish I can become a grown-up soon. I wished that too when I was a child. Do you wish to become a child again? If I could become a child again, I wonder what I would do. What's wrong? Nothing, I have to go study. Do your best too, Sumire-chan. Yes. You are so compliant. - Bye. - Bye. Welcome home. You should have told me you were coming. Oh, didn't Riku-chan tell you? - How long are you staying here? - I have to go back tomorrow. Your father and I have a meal with a Representative. I see. I'll clean this place and make food for you. What are you making? Shredded daikon radish, boiled spinach with sesame... miso soup with tofu... and fried chicken. Fried chicken? Since Riku-chan likes it. And I'll make hamburger steaks to freeze. So much to do. This mattress is double cushioned and very comfortable. [Can't have strength in the hand] [Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis] [Get leg cramps often.] What happened? I got a leg cramp. - A leg cramp? [Only motor neurons are affected...] [There is no effective treatment.] [Many patients with this disease] [have paralyzed respiratory muscles] [Results in death within 3 to 5 years] [after the onset of symptoms.] [Death] [ALS - the list of initial symptoms] [Difficulty in raising arms] It can't be. Ah. - Do you remember me? - Yes. Are you leaving? Yes, please enjoy your meal. I'm leaving too. Since you aren't going to be there, Megumi-chan. I see. You are trying to find a job. I wonder how long I have to keep doing this. I feel like I need to change the way I'm approaching it, but I don't know how. I'm frustrated and I get irritated easily. I know someone who got a job after graduating college. I can ask him how he did it. What? I will let you know if he can be of help. Thank you so much. Can you give me your number? Thank you very much. Can you send an empty text to this number? Yes. Hello? It's Hina. Can you hang out with me tomorrow? What is it? A matchmaking party. What? Since I went to Takuto-kun's house with you. Hello? What's the matter? We had a fight. What? Sorry to keep you waiting. Let's go. Already? I thought the party starts at seven. There is a place we have to go before that. You'll wet my blotter! ( telephone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking. Heil Hitler. Oh. Yes, your Reichsfuhrer. Oh, yes, sir. He's right here. Major Hochstetter here. Heil Hitler. Ja. Herr Reichsfuhrer, I beg to report an accident. He was trying to escape in his car. I shot at the tires and... hit the petrol tank. Ja. Completely destroyed by fire. Ja, Herr Reichsfuhrer. Ja? Ja, sir... Danke, Herr Reichsfuhrer. You are very kind. Heil Hitler. He called it a brilliantly staged accident. I solved the problem. There is a good chance I will decorated and promoted, Herr Kommandant! ( clicks heels ) Well, now it's your turn to have a good cry. Go ahead, sir. You'll feel better. * Come. Quick! Louis Alphonse Donatien, the Marquis de Sade? Dismount, sir. Dismount, sir, or we fire! Fire! You. Fellow. Stop when I speak to you. Ah, Louis. You're here. Good. Uncle? None else, Nephew. Escaped again, have you? Yes, I hope so. Clever lad! What are you doing in here, Uncle? Waiting for you, Nephew. For me? But you couldn't possibly have known I was coming tonight. I hoped. Who was that old man I saw in the corridor just a few moments ago? A servant. I don't recall having seen him before. Well, you know how servants come and go. I'll discharge him. Do that, Nephew. But, for now, we're about to start. Start what? A play! Entertainment! Diversion! Pleasure! Which you so uniquely enjoy. I doubt there'll be time for that. Of course you have time. When did you ever not have time for pleasure? Perhaps a moment then, Uncle. We know your weakness, eh, Nephew? Well, not much of an audience for your play, Uncle. All the audience we need, Nephew. Scene: The Montreuil Estate, outside Paris. Characters: The Count and Countess de Sade your worshipped parents. And Monsieur and Madame De Montreuil your benevolent parents-in-law to be. Occasion: The arrangement of a marriage contract between the Marquis de Sade and their daughter, Lady Renée de Montreuil. "But first we must set the record right, as it were!" - "Silence!" - "My dear." - "We will not haggle." - "No, we will not haggle." "We never haggle!" "We will board the young couple for the first three years of their..." - "Seven years!" - "Four years." - "Six." - "Five years." - "Five years." - "Five years." "And a living allowance." "Of say, 1,000 per annum." - "5,000." - "2..." "3,000 crowns." - "Pounds." - "Pounds?" "Very well, then. "L3,000." "For our own part, then, we will dress the bride... "...and the bridegroom and their party and provide a two... "Let's say a four-horse carriage... "...if I have to mortgage the remainder of your properties to do so... "...for thus will I ally our families to the Montreuil fortune." "But first we must set the record right, as it were. "Is it not, in fact, true that your son, the Marquis, is unmarried because of... - "...his unsavory rep..." - "I never!" "Unsavory reputation! It is well known..." - "Silence!" - "My love." "We are prepared to overlook our prospective son-in-law's... "...youthful peccadilloes." One moment. "I am prepared to overlook anything to buy my family such a royal connection." - "We, in turn..." - Stop! "...will add to our end of the dowry the jewelry... "...in my wife's collection. - "Never!" - "Yes, my dear." "No, never! No, you can't do that!" This is ludicrous! "My dear!" Stop it! I said, "Stop it!" This is ludicrous! The actual negotiations were nothing like this farce. - They're prepared to see you shortly, sir. - What? Madame de Montreuil said that they would see you shortly, sir. If you will wait. "I sit and I wait here "By day and by night "Where is he, when will he ever come? "I sigh to the sunbeam "And moonlight "Where is he, when will he ever come? "I have waited so by truth now "My true love should come "Where is he, when will he ever come? "Through the waiting, someday "He surely will come "Where is he, when will he ever come?" Mademoiselle. My son. Good. You've arrived just in time. Monsieur, we're ready to sign the contract. You haven't met Monsieur Marais, our prefect of Police. Who has kindly consented to act as a witness to the signatures. - Monsieur. - My Lord. Well, I'm ready. And we are ready, too, monsieur. What's the matter, my Son? Where is she? I beg your pardon? Your daughter, the one I mean to marry. This is she. But this isn't... Have you no other daughter? Madame, have you no other daughter? My daughter Anne is not involved. But you don't understand. This is not the one. This is not she. Monsieur, the contract was signed between yourself and the Lady Renée who loves you dearly. - It must be torn up and redone. - Outrageous! Are you mad? Monsieur, your son has signed a binding contract. No, madame, it is not. I warn you, my Son, you have no choice. You must do as you are told, Son. Madame, it's impossible... No! "My dear Son... "I beg that you reconsider and return immediately by the post chaise... "...that I have hired for your return trip. "I have requested your uncle, the Abbé, to write to Madame de Montreuil... "...stating that you left for Avignon to prepare a house for your bride to be... "...but unfortunately, you have been delayed there by illness. - "I've assured Madame..." - Never mind the letter! "I have assured Madame... "...that you are in bed with a serious attack of fever." What a fever to be in bed with. There's more. There's always more. "Do you not appreciate, Son, that a marriage contract is a legal... "...and enforceable document... "...and the penalty for its breach is your imprisonment? "A reprisal, the dear madame assures me, she will use without hesitation. "I beg that you reconsider and return immediately to your betrothed... "...who is most eager for your return." Does the thought of your blushing bride hasten your departure, my lover? I hasten because of the prison sentence that bitch mother of hers would be only too happy to impose on me. "In anticipation of your acquiescence, I remain your most loving... "...and devoted father." - That merde! - What did you say, Louis? I said "merde." Merde, my sweet Laura. Behold the maiden waiting for her immolation to the pagan god. Renée. - Monsieur, my husband. - That is correct. I am your husband. Yes. You must regard me as a fellow human being. I won't devour you. No. I've come to give you pleasure not rend you limb from limb. I know. Then cease your trembling. You may look at me. You are permitted to regard the monster's face. Voil! Now a smile. Enchanting. Now a kiss. If I wished to kiss a statue, I'd visit a museum. Relax. I will perform my duty. I will yield to you your marriage rights. No. No, sweet wife. Take a moment let your fervor moderate or it might overwhelm me. Enough! Don't you ever, ever say, "Enough," to me. I paid for you. You understand that? I paid for you. I pay for your pleasure. And I'll have it. Do as I say as I need or I'll punish you. That is to say, if such pleasure can be considered punishment. - But it hurts. - Of course it hurts. But that's what gives me pleasure. And that is what's important. Self. Nature speaks to self only. You have your nature and I have mine. You shall do as I want. Seize him! Come on. Marquis de Sade. I arrest you for vile excesses committed with these innocent girls. Innocent? These whores? Innocent? My dear Marais, one has only to look. Take him out. You may come out if you wish. But what... Who put me here? You put yourself there. You can come out anytime. - The next scene concerns the occasion... - No, there's no time for that now. - I must find... - Find what? I don't know. But I cannot stay here with you. And where are you going, monsieur? To see Anne. That's exactly what you must not do. I'm afraid that we'll never agree on what I must or must not do, madame. I had hoped you wouldn't remain bitter, monsieur. Did you? You're wrong to blame me for the ugliness you endured at the Fortress of Vincennes, monsieur. Where's Anne going? I don't think you appreciate it was I who obtained your release. You turned the keys both ways, madame. Nevertheless, you agreed to the conditions of your release without qualifications. You're sending her away. You agreed to absent yourself from Paris, to remain here permanently with your wife. Not an extraordinary requirement from a husband. - Why are you sending Anne away? - My daughter is going to her convent. - Her convent? - She's a canoness and a three-month residence each year is a requirement of that station. But, madame, I... Do not distress yourself. We do not intend her to take the vows. The bride of Christ she will not be, but in due course, she will marry. These things cannot be changed by you, nor by any man. Not by God, if you had your way. Do not blaspheme, monsieur. If you do try to stop her, we will all suffer in one way or another. But it will be you, monsieur, who will suffer the direct penalty. As I love you as my son, monsieur, I cannot let this happen to you. I'm sending her away, monsieur, for your sake. Do you understand that? I understand, madame. I'm glad you do. "There strolling the avenue while hand in hand "Lovely is the scene "The lovers sigh and they share reveries "'Tis a lover's walk "The lanes with flowers rest "On shelves of verdigris "For the lovers will pretty soon leave "Soon leave "Soon leave "But the lovers will pretty soon leave" - Your pleasure, monsieur. - Please, continue. I intrude. No. This is Mademoiselle Colette. Maman and I are to sponsor her debut at court this season. And this is her singing master, Signor Amaletti. - Your Excellency. - Maestro. My son-in-law has little interest in the ambitions of a vocalist I assure you, mademoiselle. You always complain there's little time for your scribbling. Well, there's no time like the present. Be off, monsieur. Pray continue, child. It's delightful. "Then lonely the avenue "Not long ago, lovely was the scene "The lovers song has been sung Tra la la la la "Once a lover's walk" Monsieur? Monsieur, may I speak to you for moment? Coming, madame. Did I hear voices? Voices, madame? Perhaps you heard me speaking in my sleep. Did I wake you? No. I sleep poorly at best. I'm truly sorry to hear that, monsieur. Perhaps the bed is not quite comfortable? Only lonely in my sweet wife's absence. Besides, I fear that sleep will always be an elusive butterfly trapped only by men of easy conscience. Do you mind if I talk to you as a parent? Madame. I would be your son if you would have me. You've behaved so well these last few months. I feel I would be churlish to keep you here any longer, especially with the season starting. Madame, I adore you. Mademoiselle? A thousand pardons, mademoiselle. What Louis? You do not know La Beauvoisin? That's a scandal, my darling. Tell me quickly, how can the abyss of my ignorance be crossed? My honor, I claim it. For if ever destiny arranged an introduction between need I say, our most magnificent actress in Paris Mademoiselle La Beauvoisin and his Excellence, the Marquis de Sade. The Marquis? Of course, I know. Your servant, mademoiselle. I thought it might be the opposite. - Shall I predict your future? - My entire future? Only your immediate future. Eternity is for clerics. You shall come to Castle La Coste, and you shall be my mistress. Naturally, for what other reason would you take me to La Coste? There are other reasons. I will build a theater at La Coste. There I will produce an endless round of plays, diversions and entertainments. Can a man not kiss his own wife in public? Is the law of the state, that decrees one thing, superior to the law of imagination that decrees another? I hold not. Men and women... For gentlemen and ladies we know you're not! Let us agree there is no one single reality not on this stage, not in this world. All is in the mind. Imagination is the only truth... "...because it cannot be contradicted except by other imaginations." This theater will present the spinning world in essence. Shakespeare called the world a stage. Well, our stage shall be our world. - Tonight then... - In honor of my uncle... The esteemed Abbé de Sade. ...we shall present a minor segment of a major tragicomedy entitled: Childhood of Poor Little Louis Alphonse. - The setting: - The riding stables of Château Maubel. The private estate of the esteemed personage, the Abbé de Sade. The occasion: Lmmediately following a brisk canter through the forest of Maubel in the company of two ladies his housekeeper and her niece. The characters: Madame Grandcourt the housekeeper, and her niece Mademoiselle Cerise-lntactus. And poor little Louis Alphonse himself. And last, but of course, not least Abbé de Sade, in person. "Now, here's a stallion for you to ride, niece." "Or vice-versa." "And as fine a set of flanks as you'll find anywhere." "The finest flanks. "The finest for you, dear Reverend." "Shy little vixen, eh? "Well, give her some wine to make her loosen her reserve." "It is not to my taste, sir." "Why then, girl, sit down... "...and drink it in one gulp." "Auntie, what is happening?" "You're drinking wine, girl." "No wonder I like it so much, Auntie." "Drink, child, drink. Do not displease the Abbé." "The little rascal's spying on us, eh?" Stop it! Come here. Spying on us, were you? You're a very naughty boy. You shall have a proper spanking. - Lf you spank me, I'll tell. - Tell what? Tell what you were doing. That would be foolish. Nobody would believe you. - They would only call you evil-minded. - You are evil. Mark this, boy. Matters little what one does so long as one presents the face of virtue to the world. That's hypocrisy. And where did you learn that arrogant word? I learned it. And it's true. What a clever lad you've become. Don't let him. - Hold him. - Don't let him hurt me. Come here, lass. Good girl. Flay the culprit. - Punish him. - Do it, niece. Do it. Or it'll be you under the lash. Again. "Louis is a good boy... "...now." Uncle. Well, how did you like our little play? Bravo, Louis. A triumph, your greatest whose applause will echo throughout France. Thank you, Uncle. But fame has its price. And no doubt your mother-in-law will exact it. I'm very much afraid you'll be going back to prison, Louis. But that's tomorrow and we live for the moment, don't we Louis? What matter if your wife is six months pregnant if you go deeper and deeper into debt? You enjoy yourself. I have a little something arranged a very special treat. - In there? - In there. Something guaranteed to tear your soul from its bosom. Is there someone here? Is there anyone here? A friend who mourns. Mourn with me, Louis. I cannot. Didn't you love your father? What was there to love? He let my mother cut me loose when I was only a child. And I kept waiting for him. Staying in no place for more than months. Except five years once. With my uncle. Those five years... You blame your father for that? I do. You are unjust then, Louis. Who are you? No. I cannot withdraw my charge. Not if you should offer me 1,000 crowns. That is a great amount of money, mademoiselle. I am greatly injured. Shall we say L1,000, mademoiselle? Say you do go to court, and say you win your case. And you know what courts are nowadays with a commoner against a person of noble birth. With his reputation? He's been in enough scandals on his own without me, that one. I'll win, all right. Shall we say L1,250? And only because I sympathize with you, Rose, not with him. Well... Consider, Rose. I have been abused! L1,500, girl, or nothing. My husband is president of the Paris courts. You can be jailed as a prostitute. I suggest you accept my offer. All right. I'll take the L1,500 then. Show Madame Keller to her carriage, please. A wise decision, Rose. When will you return to La Coste with your wife? We made a bargain. And this time, you're going to stick by it. François bring me wine. My throat is dry from too much listening. François, no wine for his Lordship. No wine at any time, unless I approve it. Yes, madame. That was unnecessary, madame, to rob me of my dignity in front of a servant. You rob us all of dignity before the world. And your honor is no better than your morality. You go today to La Coste with your wife and stay there permanently. You do this because I say so because in your financial state, you have no other choice! Either that, or I will let the dogs have at you! Anne! Louis? What are you doing to me? I, Nephew? Why can't I reach her? Why must you reach her? Because I must. There's a moment and she's part of it. Your "moment of reality" again. I want to be with her. Then count to eight. Eight is the magic number. Eight is your answer. You must accept my direction. You have no hope otherwise. One two three four five six seven eight. Put those chairs on either side of the door. Move that table back. Sir? I said I wanted no one here while I was rehearsing. Anne. I'm sorry. I intrude. I'll go. No. You'll do no such thing. I wanted to see your theater for so long. You've written so often about it. Yes, of course. It's as lovely as you described it in your beautiful letters. Come. Come up on the stage. Well, do you like it? It's beautiful. Is it supposed to be a ballroom? Yes. It's a ballroom for a play I've written. I've been working on it night and day. Poor Louis. I must leave you to work. No, please. I cherish your concern for me. My work isn't so important. But it must be. There aren't many who would agree with you. Tell me why are you the only one who never asks me why I do the things I do? Don't I frighten you? You know you don't. Perhaps if someone gave you love... - I must go now. - No, wait. I'd like you to wear this. What is it? I've always had it. Then Renée should have it. I must go now. Come away with me. Louis, I have no right to be here and we have no right to talk like this. All right, I agree. I'll stop. I'll stop. But please don't go. I must. No, wait. Look. We're in a ballroom alone. It may never happen again. Come. Dance with me. Love me. Not that way, Louis. Here. Yes. It's only make-believe, as you can see. Yes. Touch it. That's right. You can come out. Come along. Come along. Yes. Louis. Where are we? With me, darling. I was in a nightmare and you called me. I should have let you sleep. You really are with me. "Come to Italy," I said, and you didn't blink an eye. You just said yes. Madness. Madness, I agree. - And quite awful. - No, wonderful. To run off with you? Awful. Promise me something. You'll never leave me. I will never leave you. Baron Rothschild's residence, your Excellency. Must you see him? Well, we need money to travel. No, please. There's no danger. At dawn, we'll be in Italy. Halt! Drive on! Fire! You're trembling, Louis. Am I? Why? Fear. Why now? Because I have something to lose now. I found my moment. And I don't know... What? ...if I can hold on to it. And yet... You talk in riddles, lover. Yet what? And yet, on the other hand it can never be taken away from me. If you step outside that door, there won't be one friend who will give you even food to keep you from starving. I'm not afraid of your threats. I shall not be dominated by you. You repeat that like a catechism you've learned from that man who has wrecked all of our lives. Don't you understand that I'm trying to rescue the last threads of self-respect for all of us? Lord and Lady de Beaumont have made a generous offer. You've bought me their son as a suitor and call them generous? For soiled goods, I should say, very generous. If I agree, will you have Louis freed? The de Beaumonts' only condition was that he should remain where he is permanently. Yes, just one condition: That a man stays locked in a filthy prison and ruins his life. This is past discussion now. What I want is your agreement now. What shall I do, Louis? I've always been especially fond of you, my dear. Despite the discrepancy in our ages, I feel very close to you in every way. Abbé. Put your head here and give vent to your grief over poor, wretched Louis in his faraway prison. Shed your tears freely, let them wet my shirt through and sting my loving bosom. Abbé. How say you, Louis? Will the moment when she lusts in bed with me be the moment of reality you seek? You. What are you doing here? I don't need your answer. I know why you've come. You've come to gloat. Come to watch me chained begging for mercy. Well, what passion does my degradation arouse in you, madame? What unspeakable stirrings are there in your breasts and belly to see poor Louis crushed in his loathsome dungeon? Well, answer me! What? Crying? Why? For me? Now you would cry for me? Why? You cry for yourself. That's it. Because I reveal you to yourself. Yes. You see in yourself the corruption you thought was only in me but is in all of us. And you weep to see it. No I don't weep for you. Your weakness made you deserve every punishment you received. Nor for myself. My strength can bear whatever befalls me. I weep... For whom? For Renée, who is innocent. And who loves you, God help her. What if I changed? You cannot change. And your promises mean nothing. The Devil owns you. No, madame, that's something you shall never understand. It's not the Devil, madame. It is our nature. You say that, write it and I don't understand what you mean. You see everybody else in your own image. I am trying to make you realize that you cannot flay her pure soul as you flay the wanton flesh of whores. You still don't understand the enormity of what you've done. You've deserted a wife who loves you you've abandoned your children who love you and who... Who did you pervert to serve your hellish plans? Your wife's own sister! My flesh! My daughter, Anne! And you still ask me why I weep? I beg you give me one one chance. I tell you, Louis. I tell you now. You will never, never be free again. You will stay here in this prison for the rest of your life. Look well on these walls where you are now, Louis. Because this is where you're going to die. Madame, I will change. I will change! I swear it! I will change! Uncle? "Silence!" Please, Uncle, no plays. Not now, please. "I insist on silence!" Please. - Anne is dead. - "Seize the prisoner." No! No, damn you! Take off those damn masks. The farce is over! "You may continue with the prosecution." "We will prove beyond a doubt, my Lord... "...that Louis Alphonse Donatien, the Marquis de Sade, did willfully take... "...the life of his sister-in-law, Lady Anne-Prospere de Launay." Life? "First witness." "Inspector Marais, what is your estimate of the character of the accused?" "He is evil, he is degenerate, he is an animal to be put away." But I had nothing to do with her death. She died of the plague. God, why do I bother to argue with you? Uncle, please stop these damn plays. "I have more witnesses. "These three are aunts of the accused, my own good sisters... "...honorable abbesses, virtuous women, who devoted themselves... "...to caring for him as a child. Will one of you speak in his behalf?" "My nephew is evil, ungrateful." No! "My nephew is degenerate, an animal." No! "No, my nephew is worse than any animal." They're not my aunts, they're actresses. This is a travesty. Uncle, stop this. "Can we then allow a wild animal... "...to roam free among the vulnerable human beings? "This killer of a sweet, innocent girl..." How dare you say I took her life, her precious, precious life. "You killed her." We had planned but she died of the plague. There was nothing I could do. "Speak your judgments." "Put him away forever!" "I have here a lettre de cachet from the King... "...empowering me to put the Marquis de Sade in prison... "...forever... "...and forever!" "Put him away forever!" No! Anne, tell them! "He is my murderer." "Behead him!" What do you see? What do you wish me to see? What is the meaning of eight? Eight is the sign of infinity. The serpent swallowing its tail. Why do you ask? Can you tell me what this is? It belonged to your mother. You stole it from her. You can see that? It is very clear. You were four years old. You were being sent away to live with a maiden aunt. You take this although your mother cherishes it. Yes. She cherished her jewels more than she did me. I was sold instead of them. What is to come, gypsy? A revolution will rend France a bacchanalia of blood. They will say that you are one of those who caused it. What will happen to me, gypsy? You'll be put in an asylum. You'll know pain and torment. How long? Twenty-eight years Nephew. You, always you. Corrupter of my youth. Author of my sins. Nonsense, Nephew. Am I a force of nature? I don't know, Uncle, perhaps you are. You yourself proclaimed it: "Man is not seduced by evil. "He is evil... "...evil by nature." You condemn me for corrupting that which is already corrupt. You were my teacher. Did I teach you falsely? In one thing, yes. And that? That's one's pleasure could be taken by force. It saddens me, Nephew, but I'm a saint. You lack the capacity for pleasure. It frightens you. After the transport, your soul begins to whimper. You fear God's vengeance in the hereafter and invite his mercy with a great show of suffering here on earth. If I am evil, you seduced me. Initiated rather than seduced. No, Nephew, there was only one occasion on which I was required to lay snares. Demon! Bastard! Liar! She never gave herself to you. What if she had? May I quote an eminent author? "Love: A disposition of the organs, nothing more, an appetite." Marquis de Sade. You rob me of everything even of hope for what might have been. With her I could... I could've... Could have what? Been different. Renée. My husband. I sorrow for the pain I've given you. Perhaps someday, you'll be able to understand me. What life would I have had without you? I was an ugly, stupid girl and not much of a woman. There were a few times a few... You have suffered. At least I could share your fate as your wife. No one can take that from me. We shall go to Paris and you will regain your health. We can't. My mother would simply put you in the asylum again. Perhaps she won't. It's so cold here. If only we could go to a warm place for the winter. Yes. A warm place. You mean to say you had a choice? Then good and evil do exist. And you chose evil. Poor, damn Louis. Why then I have no answers. None. I can find no meaning to my life. I cannot find my moment of reality because it does not exist. Not at all. Not on the stage, not in the world. There is no reality. It's all in the mind. And there's nothing. What'll we burn when all the furniture is gone? Each other. Go on! You're doing very well. Very good! Burn. The illumination of my life has gone out. Do you know what that means? No, I don't suppose you do. Well, it doesn't matter. Bravo! Come! Let's put on a play. Do as you will! If not compelled, then why must I do what desire dictates me? Renée! Renée! Forgive me. Marquis. It is not my province to forgive. No. Nor mine to ask. Have you been dreaming again? More than that. Much, much more. Trying to escape. At least, the young Marquis was trying. The young Marquis? Indeed. You must not judge by this. Inside is a fit, young fellow trying to escape his prison this white slug in which he's encased. He must be free for freedom is his life. I've been following him about as he relived that life seeking out a special moment of reality. And did he find it? I'm not sure. Nor is he. I think he will go back again search yet one more time. Perhaps he will find it then. Reality whatever that may be. Eight is the sign of infinity, the serpent swallowing its tail. The hours pass And I wait for you With a beating heart The hours pass And I wait for you With a beating heart It's just a long journey To the land of infidelity Go on, you'll come back wiser With more maturity I wait for you, while others Can enjoy tender days Love is a countdown I love you and always will I wait for you It had all started badly. Oh, yes... very badly indeed. In those days, I remember - this was four or five years back - I'd just finished my military service, and when I came home, I met Iréne... waiting for me at the station, right where she'd seen me off 18 months earlier. Sweet Iréne! So I'd just finished my military service, and when I came home, I met Iréne waiting for me at the station, right where she'd seen me off 18 months earlier... with Martine. Charming Martine! Iréne, Martine, and I had known each other a long time. We were inseparable childhood friends. We lived in the provinces, in the same city... all three of us. Depending on the days and their moods, I'd go out with Martine, or I'd go out with Iréne. Sometimes I'd even go out with both, especially on Sundays. We'd go dancing together. We'd take walks when the weather was nice. I remember... there was also - what was her name again? Thérése! She was nice, Thérése. She was very sweet, and from a good family. Her father was a notary and regional councillor. Her mother did watercolors. They'd given her an excellent education - Latin, piano, sewing. They'd taught her everything. In those days, when I knew her, she'd just finished her schooling at the convent. But quickly, too quickly, she went bad. But when I think about it, I could just as well have married Martine. Why not? Martine... or Iréne. And even lots of others. Florence, who would become my wife, I first met on the terrace of the Café de Paris. No, that's not right. It wasn't on the terrace, but inside the Café de Paris. Not so. I know what I'm saying. It was on the terrace. What am I talking about! It wasn't the terrace... Make up your mind! The terrace is the terrace. Inside is inside. I'm starting to get - It's hot. Let's go sit on the terrace. Yes, on the terrace. After that, obviously, Florence and I saw each other again. We'd meet as if by chance... as chance would have it. So, without realizing it, we began going out together. More and more often, almost on a daily basis. It easily becomes a habit. I LOVE YOU Then one thing leads to another, like it or not. You never know how these things happen... but they happen. For Florence and me, it all happened so fast. I didn't even realize. One fine day in spring, Florence suddenly decided to invite me to her home. She got it into her head to have me meet her parents. An obsession. And I said all right, of course... totally unsuspecting. Coming? Go in. Papa. Pleased to meet you. Mama. Pleased to meet you. Mr. and Mrs. Girard were utterly charming people. I should have known. My grandmother. Florence adored her parents, especially her mother. And her parents adored her. There were pictures of her all over the house. Is that you? You studied dance? - A little. - I like dance. Will you have a drink? I declined all drink and smoke, as if I had no faults. This might amuse you, children. Shall we? You'd think I was trying hard to make a good impression. I succeeded only too well. - Who's this little girl? - That's Papa. That's cousin Elisa. Your grandmother's goddaughter. And that's her husband... who's up there in the frame. He was killed in World War I. That's Uncle Firmin. I didn't know him, but they say I look like him. I don't know who that is. That's Uncle Albert. Papa says he was funny around company. Do you recognize her? That's me, at Florence's age. So there. In just a few moments I'd met the entire family. A fine family. From that moment on, events snowballed. The very next day, Mr. Girard invited me to visit his plant. Quite a fine plant, of course. A tannery, and a successful one at that. It had been founded by his grandfather in 1894. He told me the whole story. He was very proud of his plant, and with good reason. He showed me around the buildings and workshops, as well as the offices, of course. He introduced me to the secretary. Madame Louise, our secretary. My future son-in-law. Madame Louise welcomed me with her most gracious smile. I had the distinct impression things were going badly for me. Everything was getting worse and worse. Florence was an only child, and Mr. Girard made it clear there was a place for me in his business... in his tannery. I'd have so liked to be a musician! A musician or a pilot... or even... So one fine day I found myself engaged. I chose a ring for Florence. Of course. This is the one you chose? So naturally I had to break up with Martine. And break up with Iréne. And I so hate hurting people. Ah, Florence. What can I say about Florence? She was exquisite. As her mother kept telling me day after day: "She's so well-behaved. She's so gentle, so charming. And she can do everything. And she loves you so much. What more can you ask for? She has so many fine qualities." Yes, Florence had so many fine qualities that one day I decided to go see her mother and say: Madame Girard, I've thought it over. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I'm fond of Florence, but I've decided not to marry her. TEN YEARS PASS Say... their marriage doesn't seem to be doing too well. No, it doesn't. Just because they're always arm in arm doesn't mean - But they don't need our pity. No, the factory seems to be doing well. With a business like that, you bet they're doing well. I don't know if they're doing well, but I can tell you she's worn the same coat the last 10 years. And she's quite the fussy one! At the plant, they say he's vile to the staff. Vile! Well, I'm not surprised. You haven't noticed the way he looks at you? He must have quite a temper! It can't be a picnic for her every day. You know, she must have a temper too. If everybody only spoke their mind! Simple enough: It seems that at home, morning and night, they never let up. It's hell! I know all about it. Someone who knows them told me. - Who told you? - I can't say. But believe you me, it's hell! It's a crying shame! People who have all they need to be happy. Anyway, that's how things are. Everyone has their woes. As you say... everyone has their woes. I have to run. So soon? I have a long day ahead. - Eat enough, honey? - Fine. Excellent. Suzanne, you may clear. All right? See you tonight. Don't forget dinner at my parents'. It's Wednesday. You know what I just saw? You don't say! Thanks so much. Bye, and thanks again. Hello, my dear. How are you? - You know what I just heard? - Heavens, no! I'll let you go. See you soon, my dear. I learned something you won't like hearing. I asked myself, "Do I tell her, or don't I? After all, we're old friends. As a good Christian, it's my duty to tell her." It's like this... I'm home. Where are you going? Home to Mother. Where are you going? My darling. At what age did you get married? Twenty-five. And your wife? A year younger than me. Let me tell you something: Never marry a woman your age. Always marry a woman much younger than you. I don't see the connection. Really I don't. Florence and I are very happy. I assure you. - We were very happy. - Then I'm sorry... but you've committed a monumental error. I don't understand. Don't worry. She'll come back. Believe me. Good evening. It's your mother. Yes, I assure you. Honestly. Yes, I assure you. Really. Yes, dear. Be quiet, you! No, listen. This is what you're to do - Come in. This is Miss Agnés. She'll be replacing me. Mr. Girard must have told you. He did, in fact. Mr. Girard says we can take her on for a month before I leave. Yes, I know. Madame Louise, I'm counting on you to train her as quickly as possible. Of course, sir. Agnés, please. Yes, sir? No, nothing, thank you. Later, please. Very well, sir. Hello. Pierre. How's the new secretary? Just fine. Are you asleep? Where are you going? - Why, to the office. - On a Saturday? It's Saturday? Of course. Then tomorrow... is Sunday? Pass me your plate, Mama. No, you have the leg, Papa. But let Florence have the wing. Who wants peas? It's no more costly than anything else. What are you thinking of? You. You're sweet. Come in. Mr. Bourget is here. Shall I show him in? Say that again? Please sit down. I'll be right with you. So that's how it stands. I thought things were fine with your wife. Oh, my wife... For some time now, I haven't been able to stand her. Why not? She looks so much like her mother that I feel I'm living with her. It's Mama. Poor guy. Look, I don't want to preach to you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her the truth. I have something very important to tell you. What's that? I love another woman. Who? What's her name again, your...? Agnés. Your new secretary? She's charming... and so young. Honey, I love you so much. The only thing that matters to me is your happiness. My poor fellow, she would never react like that. - She wouldn't? - Waiter! I'm sure of it. I know her well. Okay, let's say she wouldn't. Then in that case - The same. In that case, what? Then I'd take a totally different tack. Look, Florence, this can't go on. - What can't go on? - Everything. Everything what? You and me. Is there another woman? In that case, I wouldn't even discuss it. Where are you going? To buy matches. Any other brilliant ideas? Are you crazy? Okay, okay. But if I were you, I'd divorce. I'd divorce. I would tell her... What would you tell her? I'd tell her... We were married under a communal estate settlement. You want half the property? Here! You want half of everything? Here! I'm all for it. Half? Here it is. Here you go! Half! And here's the other half. And take that! And that! Half of everything? There! With me, it's quite simple. Want half of everything? Here! - What's got into you? - Fine with me! Madame, look. Half of everything? There you go! You want half of everything? Are you crazy? You don't want me to leave Florence for Agnés! You know me. Anyway, with Agnés there wouldn't be a problem. Jacques, your wife! Oh, honey! How are you? Hello, honey. How are you? - Fine. - Finished shopping? Yes. I went to the bank. Here. What will you have? - What would you like? - Champagne. - What was I saying? - You were telling me - You committed a big blunder marrying a woman your age. You think so? Look at Françoise. Want to know something? Young men don't even interest her. Did you ever consider I could be her father? No "oh's" about it. I could be her father. Hi, Daddy! I don't have much gas left. We'll take care of that. You're sweet. Don't think about that. Consider this: How old are you? - Thirty-eight. - And Agnés? - Eighteen. - And you in ten years? - Forty-eight. - And Agnés? - Twenty-eight. Are you sure you won't find her a bit too old for you then? This shade suits me fine. "Corrida." Anything paler... makes me look sickly. What do you use? - I don't use any. It's Mr. Bourget. Monsieur isn't here. Yes, tomorrow morning. Good-bye, sir. Did you see the boss? Not very amiable today. If only I were ten years younger. If only I weren't married. Or if only Florence was gone. You're in good spirits tonight. I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid you'll - If I went to the seaside for two weeks... would you mind very much? - You can have this. - Thanks, Madame Louise. Are the glasses ready? It's Bourget. No, he's still not in. Very well. Say... did you see the boss? He looks happy. Maybe because I'm leaving. Let me go... for my last day. Come in. Close the door. It's very simple. I've wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I - I'm in love with you. I didn't have the courage to tell you, but you must have felt it. So I thought it better to tell you. It's a fact. I love you. That's all I wanted to - Excuse me. So Madame Louise has left us... after 25 years. She must have had tears in her eyes. Oh, yes. I'll miss her. She had her quirks... but she was competent... and hardworking. I got a postcard from Florence. Still raining? No, the weather's fine. She's thinking of staying another week. No reason she shouldn't. Are you happy with the new girl? She seems to have found her way fairly quickly. What's her name? I always forget her name. What's her name? Is she nice-looking? She's still a kid. Beige doesn't suit you. - Your mail. - Thank you. Look, I absolutely must - Your mail. You in already? Yes, I have tons of work right now. Tons, tons, tons. Good luck. You know that - One moment, please. It's Mr. Bourget. He hasn't come in yet. All right, sir. Look, it's very simple. I want to tell you - Hold the line. It's your mother-in-law. - I'll take it in my office. - One moment. Tonight? Tonight... hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry. No, I can't. I've already tried on several occasions... to tell you... "...to tell you..." No, nothing. Later. What are you doing tonight? - Tonight? - Shall we have dinner together? Yes, I'd like that. Would you? You'd like to? With pleasure, sir. Hold the line. - It's Bourget. - Let me have that. Hello, Mr. Bourget. How are you, Mr. Bourget? Fine, thank you, Mr. Bourget. Listen... I'll buy your entire stock at your price. You understand? Perfectly. He says yes. No, I'm still here. I'm telling you, he says yes. We can prepare the contract? Right away, if you want. My respects, monsieur. The entire stock? At the agreed price? So it's all set. Dinner tonight? The Mill - would that do? - She said yes. - You don't say! You got a second? For instance, take her hand... gently, like this. And you read her palm. - I don't know how. It's simple. Here's the life line... the head line... and, naturally, the heart line. I can't read her palm for two hours. - You know how to dance? - Not the modern dances. It's not hard. I'll show you. No, sit her down next to you. Make the most of it. You put your arm around her shoulder. - Then you talk - - And if she gets up? "Rising like a dream, to sparkle in the air. And my voice, yet tender and gently plaintive, stroking as it flees your ear so attentive." Believe me, my friend: Follow my advice and do as I say, and it's in the bag. What can I say? We lack qualified management and our payroll taxes are so high, especially in the European context, that we soon won't have enough volume. We're no longer competitive. That's a fact. Forget about self-management or the investments we have to make for retraining. And if you add to that the fact taxes go up every year irremediably, and that the majority of our personnel has to be replaced, that we have to modernize our equipment... incorporate new technology... and maintain a research division... you can understand... that at some point in time... we're bound to disappear. - Agnés. - Yes? What are you thinking about? You. Come on. I'll take you home. Well, I'll just say good night and thank-you. It was nothing at all. I have one last thing to tell you. I don't love you anymore. This mine? One beer for you. - Waiter! - Coming. You thought it over? You sure this isn't some new blunder? Work okay? - Yes. So everything's fine. Everything's fine. You sure you won't regret this? I'm not going to preach to you - Look, I have to go. Will you excuse me? Hello there! Things okay? It doesn't look like it. I didn't recognize you either. Forgive me. I kept you waiting. This is my husband. Here's your suitcase. Really kind of you. Thanks. It was nothing. Well, good-bye. Look, Florence, I wanted to tell you - Who was that fellow? - Who? - That fellow? - I don't know. - You don't know him? I met him on the train. He carried my bag, that's all. - That's all? - That's all. So you give your bag to just anyone? Not just anyone. He's a charming boy. I had no reason to be rude. - So now he's charming too? - Yes, he is. - Oh, great! - What's the matter? Nothing's the matter. My suitcase! I'm leaving. Out of the question! And it's my suitcase. - What? It's mine. - Get in. - What's this? - My car. Your car? Unbelievable! The hours pass And I wait for you With a beating heart The hours pass And I wait for you With a beating heart It's just a Long journey To the Land of infidelity Go on, you'II come back wiser With more maturity I wait for you, while others Can enjoy tender days Love isn't a countdown I Love you and always will I wait for you It had all started badly. Oh, yes... very badly indeed. In those days, I remember- this was four or five years back- I'd just finished my military service, and when I came home, I met Irene... waiting for me at the station, right where she'd seen me off 18 months earlier. Sweet Irene! So I'd just finished my military service, and when I came home, I met Irene waiting for me at the station, right where she'd seen me off 18 months earlier... with Martine. Charming Martine! Irene, Martine, and I had known each other a Iong time. We were inseparable childhood friends. We lived in the provinces, in the same city... all three of us. Depending on the days and their moods, I'd go out with Martine, or I'd go out with Irene. Sometimes I'd even go out with both, especially on Sundays. We'd go dancing together. We'd take walks when the weather was nice. I remember... there was also - what was her name again? Therese! She was nice, Therese. She was very sweet, and from a good family. Her father was a notary and regional councillor. Her mother did watercolors. They'd given her an excellent education - Latin, piano, sewing. They'd taught her everything. In those days, when I knew her, she'd just finished her schooling at the convent. But quickly, too quickly, she went bad. But when I think about it, I couId just as well have married Martine. Why not? Martine... or Irene. And even lots of others. florence, who would become my wife, I first met on the terrace of the Cafe de Paris. No, that's not right. It wasn't on the terrace, but inside the Cafe de Paris. Not so. I know what I'm saying. It was on the terrace. What am I talking about! It wasn't the terrace... Make up your mind! The terrace is the terrace. Inside is inside. I'm starting to get - It's hot. Let's go sit on the terrace. Yes, on the terrace. After that, obviously, florence and I saw each other again. We'd meet as if by chance... as chance would have it. So, without realizing it, we began going out together. More and more often, almost on a daily basis. It easily becomes a habit. I LOVE YOU Then one thing leads to another, Iike it or not. You never know how these things happen... but they happen. For florence and me, it all happened so fast. I didn't even realize. One fine day in spring, florence suddenly decided to invite me to her home. She got it into her head to have me meet her parents. An obsession. And I said all right, of course... totally unsuspecting. Coming? Go in. Papa. pleased to meet you. Mama. pleased to meet you. Mr. and Mrs. Girard were utterly charming people. I should have known. My grandmother. florence adored her parents, especially her mother. And her parents adored her. There were pictures of her all over the house. Is that you? You studied dance? - A little. - I Iike dance. will you have a drink? I declined all drink and smoke, as if I had no faults. This might amuse you, children. shall we? You'd think I was trying hard to make a good impression. I succeeded only too well. - Who's this little girl? - That's Papa. That's cousin EIisa. Your grandmother's goddaughter. And that's her husband... who's up there in the frame. He was killed in world War I. That's uncle Firmin. I didn't know him, but they say I Iook like him. I don't know who that is. That's uncle albert. Papa says he was funny around company. Do you recognize her? That's me, at florence's age. So there. In just a few moments I'd met the entire family. A fine family. From that moment on, events snowbaIIed. The very next day, Mr. Girard invited me to visit his plant. Quite a fine plant, of course. A tannery, and a successful one at that. It had been founded by his grandfather in 1894. He told me the whole story. He was very proud of his plant, and with good reason. He showed me around the buildings and workshops, as well as the offices, of course. He introduced me to the secretary. Madame Louise, our secretary. My future son-in-Iaw. Madame Louise welcomed me with her most gracious smile. I had the distinct impression things were going badly for me. Everything was getting worse and worse. florence was an only child, and Mr. Girard made it clear there was a place for me in his business... in his tannery. I'd have so liked to be a musician! A musician or a pilot... or even... So one fine day I found myself engaged. I chose a ring for florence. Of course. This is the one you chose? So naturally I had to break up with Martine. And break up with Irene. And I so hate hurting people. Ah, florence. What can I say about florence? She was exquisite. As her mother kept telling me day after day.: "She's so weII-behaved. She's so gentle, so charming. And she can do everything. And she loves you so much. What more can you ask for? She has so many fine qualities. " Yes, florence had so many fine qualities that one day I decided to go see her mother and say: Madame Girard, I've thought it over. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I'm fond of florence, but I've decided not to marry her. TEN YEARS PASS Say... their marriage doesn't seem to be doing too well. No, it doesn't. Just because they're always arm in arm doesn't mean - But they don't need our pity. No, the factory seems to be doing well. With a business like that, you bet they're doing well. I don't know if they're doing well, but I can tell you she's worn the same coat the Iast 10 years. And she's quite the fussy one! At the plant, they say he's vile to the staff. vile! well, I'm not surprised. You haven't noticed the way he looks at you? He must have quite a temper! It can't be a picnic for her every day. You know, she must have a temper too. If everybody only spoke their mind! simple enough: It seems that at home, morning and night, they never let up. It's hell! I know all about it. Someone who knows them told me. - Who told you? - I can't say. But believe you me, it's hell! It's a crying shame! people who have all they need to be happy. Anyway, that's how things are. Everyone has their woes. As you say... everyone has their woes. I have to run. So soon? I have a Iong day ahead. - Eat enough, honey? - Fine. excellent. Suzanne, you may clear. AII right? See you tonight. Don't forget dinner at my parents'. It's Wednesday. You know what I just saw? You don't say! Thanks so much. Bye, and thanks again. hello, my dear. How are you? - You know what I just heard? - Heavens, no! I'II let you go. See you soon, my dear. I Iearned something you won't like hearing. I asked myself, "Do I tell her, or don't I? After all, we're old friends. As a good Christian, it's my duty to tell her." It's like this... I'm home. Where are you going? Home to Mother. Where are you going? My darling. At what age did you get married? Twenty-five. And your wife? A year younger than me. Let me tell you something: Never marry a woman your age. always marry a woman much younger than you. I don't see the connection. really I don't. florence and I are very happy. I assure you. - We were very happy. - Then I'm sorry... but you've committed a monumental error. I don't understand. Don't worry. She'II come back. believe me. Good evening. It's your mother. Yes, I assure you. honestly. Yes, I assure you. really. Yes, dear. Be quiet, you! No, listen. This is what you're to do - Come in. This is Miss Agnes. She'II be replacing me. Mr. Girard must have told you. He did, in fact. Mr. Girard says we can take her on for a month before I leave. Yes, I know. Madame Louise, I'm counting on you to train her as quickly as possible. Of course, sir. Agnes, please. Yes, sir? No, nothing, thank you. Later, please. Very well, sir. hello. Pierre. How's the new secretary? Just fine. Are you asleep? Where are you going? - Why, to the office. - On a Saturday? It's Saturday? Of course. Then tomorrow... is Sunday? Pass me your plate, Mama. No, you have the leg, Papa. But let florence have the wing. Who wants peas? It's no more costly than anything else. What are you thinking of? You. You're sweet. Come in. Mr. Bourget is here. shall I show him in? Say that again? please sit down. I'II be right with you. So that's how it stands. I thought things were fine with your wife. Oh, my wife... For some time now, I haven't been able to stand her. Why not? She looks so much like her mother that I feel I'm living with her. It's Mama. Poor guy. Look, I don't want to preach to you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her the truth. Florence, I have something very important to tell you. What's that? I Iove another woman. Who? What's her name again, your... ? Agnes. Your new secretary? She's charming... and so young. Honey, I Iove you so much. The only thing that matters to me is your happiness. My poor fellow, she would never react like that. - She wouldn't? - Waiter! I'm sure of it. I know her well. Okay, Iet's say she wouldn't. Then in that case - The same. In that case, what? Then I'd take a totally different tack. Look, florence, this can't go on. - What can't go on? - Everything. Everything what? You and me. Is there another woman? In that case, I wouldn't even discuss it. Where are you going? To buy matches. Any other brilliant ideas? Are you crazy? Okay, okay. But if I were you, I'd divorce. I'd divorce. I would tell her... What would you tell her? I'd tell her... We were married under a communal estate settlement. You want half the property? Here! You want half of everything? Here! I'm all for it. half? Here it is. Here you go! half! And here's the other half. And take that! And that! half of everything? There! With me, it's quite simple. Want half of everything? Here! - What's got into you? - Fine with me! Madame, look. half of everything? There you go! You want half of everything? Are you crazy? You don't want me to leave florence for Agnes! You know me. Anyway, with Agnes there wouldn't be a problem. Jacques, your wife! Oh, honey! How are you? hello, honey. How are you? - Fine. - Finished shopping? Yes. I went to the bank. Here. What will you have? - What would you Iike? - Champagne. - What was I saying? - You were telling me - You committed a big blunder marrying a woman your age. You think so? Look at Francoise. Want to know something? Young men don't even interest her. Did you ever consider I couId be her father? No "oh's" about it. I couId be her father. Hi, Daddy! I don't have much gas left. We'II take care of that. You're sweet. Don't think about that. Consider this: How old are you? - Thirty-eight. - And Agnes? - Eighteen. - And you in ten years? - Forty-eight. - And Agnes? - Twenty-eight. Are you sure you won't find her a bit too old for you then? This shade suits me fine. "Corrida" Anything paIer... makes me look sickly. What do you use? - I don't use any. It's Mr. Bourget. Monsieur isn't here. Yes, tomorrow morning. Good-bye, sir. Did you see the boss? Not very amiable today. If only I were ten years younger. If only I weren't married. Or if only florence was gone. You're in good spirits tonight. I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid you'II - If I went to the seaside for two weeks... would you mind very much? - You can have this. - Thanks, Madame Louise. Are the glasses ready? It's Bourget. No, he's still not in. Very well. Say... did you see the boss? He looks happy. Maybe because I'm leaving. Let me go... for my last day. Come in. close the door. It's very simple. I've wanted to tell you this for a Iong time, but I - I'm in love with you. I didn't have the courage to tell you, but you must have felt it. So I thought it better to tell you. It's a fact. I Iove you. That's all I wanted to - Excuse me. So Madame Louise has left us... after 25 years. She must have had tears in her eyes. Oh, yes. I'II miss her. She had her quirks... but she was competent... and hardworking. I got a postcard from florence. still raining? No, the weather's fine. She's thinking of staying another week. No reason she shouldn't. Are you happy with the new girl? She seems to have found her way fairly quickly. What's her name? I always forget her name. What's her name? Agnes! Is she nice-Iooking? She's still a kid. Beige doesn't suit you. - Your mail. - Thank you. Look, I absolutely must - Your mail. You in already? Yes, I have tons of work right now. Tons, tons, tons. Good luck. You know that - One moment, please. It's Mr. Bourget. He hasn't come in yet. AII right, sir. Look, it's very simple. I want to tell you - hold the line. It's your mother-in-Iaw. - I'II take it in my office. - One moment. Tonight? Tonight... hold on. hold on. I'm sorry. No, I can't. I've already tried on several occasions... to tell you... ""...to tell you..." No, nothing. Later. What are you doing tonight? - Tonight? - shall we have dinner together? Yes, I'd Iike that. would you? You'd Iike to? With pleasure, sir. hold the line. - It's Bourget. - Let me have that. hello, Mr. Bourget. How are you, Mr. Bourget? Fine, thank you, Mr. Bourget. Listen... I'II buy your entire stock at your price. You understand? perfectly. He says yes. No, I'm still here. I'm telling you, he says yes. We can prepare the contract? Right away, if you want. My respects, monsieur. The entire stock? At the agreed price? So it's all set. Dinner tonight? The mill - would that do? - She said yes. - You don't say! You got a second? For instance, take her hand... gently, Iike this. And you read her palm. - I don't know how. It's simple. Here's the life line... the head line... and, naturally, the heart line. I can't read her palm for two hours. - You know how to dance? - Not the modern dances. It's not hard. I'II show you. No, sit her down next to you. Make the most of it. You put your arm around her shoulder. - Then you talk - - And if she gets up? "Rising like a dream, to sparkle in the air. And my voice, yet tender and gently pIaintive, stroking as it flees your ear so attentive." believe me, my friend: follow my advice and do as I say, and it's in the bag. What can I say? We lack qualified management and our payroll taxes are so high, especially in the European context, that we soon won't have enough volume. We're no Ionger competitive. That's a fact. Forget about seIf-management or the investments we have to make for retraining. And if you add to that the fact taxes go up every year irremediabIy, and that the majority of our personnel has to be replaced, that we have to modernize our equipment... incorporate new technology... and maintain a research division... you can understand... that at some point in time... we're bound to disappear. - Agnes. - Yes? What are you thinking about? You. Come on. I'II take you home. well, I'II just say good night and thank-you. It was nothing at all. I have one last thing to tell you. I don't love you anymore. This mine? One beer for you. - Waiter! - Coming. You thought it over? You sure this isn't some new blunder? Work okay? - Yes. So everything's fine. Everything's fine. You sure you won't regret this? I'm not going to preach to you - Look, I have to go. will you excuse me? hello there! Things okay? It doesn't look like it. I didn't recognize you either. Forgive me. I kept you waiting. This is my husband. Here's your suitcase. really kind of you. Thanks. It was nothing. well, good-bye. Look, florence, I wanted to tell you - Who was that fellow? - Who? - That fellow? - I don't know. - You don't know him? I met him on the train. He carried my bag, that's all. - That's all? - That's all. So you give your bag to just anyone? Not just anyone. He's a charming boy. I had no reason to be rude. - So now he's charming too? - Yes, he is. - Oh, great! - What's the matter? Nothing's the matter. My suitcase! I'm leaving. Out of the question! And it's my suitcase. - What? It's mine. - Get in. - What's this? - My car. Your car? unbelievable! M.Gorky Film Studio In the year umpteenth, in plain words, well before our time, there ruled over his realm, the 39th in his line, Yeremey the Bearded, a czar thrifty and mercantile. And to Yeremey once it occurred that the way he ruled is right not. He decided for the sake of truth: everything should be checked, audited and proved. - How many wax candles? - One hundred and forty-two. - And candle ends? - 97 pounds 13 ounces. - Windows? - All counted! Keep on counting! - Itemize! Name each item! - Name each item! Itemize! - Thrones! - Thrones! - Name and number! - Number and name! - Two throninas. - Two throninas! You highbrow! "Throne" is masculine. I see it this way. A czar's throne is masculine. But Czarina is a woman. Therefore, a czarina's throne is feminine. Controversial, but logical. I agree. Write it down: one throne and one thronina. One thronina and one throne. We've taken inventory: the palace, thrones, windows, chairs, etc. Let's look outside. Follow me! - What about the ink? - Roll out the ink! - Did you load the quill pens? - The quill pens. Did you load? The quill pens'll go on their own. - And the parchment? - The parchment? Where are you going, Yeremushka? Stupid woman. It's not a czar's business! Long hair, short brain. That's exactly the czar's business. - Not the czar's business! - It is! It is not... - Have the stairs been counted? - They've been counted! How many steps? - Count them again! - Count them again! How many? Eight. BARBARA THE FAIR WITH THE SILKEN HAIR Written by M. CHUPRIN with A. ROW Directed by Alexander ROW Director of Photography D. SURENSKY Production Designers A.KLOPOTOVSKY, A.IVASCHENKO Music by A. FILIPPENKO Sound Supervisor - A. DIKAN English subtitles by Tatiana KAMENEVA Starring Yeremey, czar - M. PUGOVKIN Chudo Yudo, another czar - G. MILLYAR Aphonia, cleric - A. KUBATSKY Praskovya, his wife - L.KOROLYOVA Andrey, fisherman's son - A.KATYSHEV Andrey, czar's son - S.NIKOLAEV Barbara the Fair - T.KLIUYEVA Stepanida, nanny - V.POPOVA Most authentic pirates: A. KHVYLIA, L. POTYOMKIN, A. TSINMAN, I. LEONGAROV Suitors, their own matchmakers: B.SICHKIN, I.BAIDA, R.YURIEV Fishwife - V. ANANYINA Malanya, czarina - V. PETROVA Happy old fairy - V.ALTAISKAYA Wet nurse - Ye. KUZIURINA Whole year Yeremey kept his count and check. He exhausted his clerks he himself got well fagged. Itemized he all mushrooms, every tree in the woods, all the freckles on faces of little children and dudes. All the ink being used, he sighed with relief and decided to venture back home, in brief. But the road back home was a long way at best, Yeremey then decided to take a good rest. To use up a whole barrel of ink! And to think of all the cattle that had gone for the parchment! - You mean the sheep? - Yeah, the sheep. And what about the goose quills that we've destroyed! I'm so thirsty and out of patience! Patience is a virtue, my Czar. I would give anything for a soda! You expect to find bottled soda here? It's the wilderness on and on... Our path is very long... Let me go! Not without a ransom. What kind of ransom do you want? Give me your land czar's word of honor that you'll give me whatever is unknown to you in your realm. Whatever is unknown to me in my realm? I swear by my czar's word of honor. Father Czar! Remember! I have your czar's word of honor. I have nothing to fear. There isn't one object that hasn't been listed. I know everything in my realm. Welcome back! We've got happy news! A great blessing! An heir to the throne is born! Andrey Yeremeyevich! That's it! The only thing in my kingdom unknown to me. What's wrong with him? He fainted! - Why? - He's overjoyed! He's overwhelmed! Every blade of grass, I've counted everything. And yet I miscalculated! It's not the czar's spirit to succumb to low spirits. - No one around? - No one! It's not misfortune that grill, it's low spirits that kill! How can I help it? I have to give up my own child! Just don't give it. I can't retract the czar's word! Don't retract it, just overtrick it. How can I cheat Chudo Yudo the Lawless? The way you cheated others. - No one around? - No one! I just had a great idea... A little trick that just occurred to me. You'll hide your son in the home of strangers and pass another boy off as your son, the Czarevich! - How come? - Just like that! The other boy will live in your palace until claimed. And when he is claimed, he'll be given to Chudo Yudo and your son'll be brought back. Smart. Do it! Lullaby, lullaby, let the slumber come you by, Lullaby, lullaby, go to sleep, you must try. Slumber, come to us, amen. Put to sleep all fishermen. Lullaby, lullaby, go to sleep, you must try. All the fishes went to sleep, Hiding underwater deep... Our greetings to the new mama, and our best wishes. - What did you call your child? - Andrey is his name. Andriushenka! Lovely name. - And his father's name? - Yelesey. What a coincidence! Andrey Yeleseyevich, Andrey Yeremeyevich. - What? - Nothing. Perfect name! - Your husband's not in? - He's a fisherman. A great blessing has just descended upon your home. Go to your husband at once and tell him that the Czar asks for fresh fish. Who's going to take care of my son? My wife will. Praskovya, come in! Take good care of the baby. And you hurry up! Get your husband. Do it at once! Oh God, what shall I do? So far, so good. This is a great sin! - Did you manage alright? - Don't be angry, Aphonia! Keep quiet, silly woman! How can we take a child from his own mother? We can, if we're careful. Take the Czar's son. Gently! What's the matter with you? Take the Czarevich out! - I just wanted... - Do as you're told! Well, Andrey Eleseyevich... Come here, into the basket. And Andrey Yeremeyevich goes into your crib. Now everything is perfect. Those women! They can't get anything done! Come on, little fellow, let's go to the palace. Don't just stand there! Come on! Look at what's going on: Dawn is just about to dawn. The Czarina's sound asleep, but her baby's not in his crib. Nurses ordered to be nigh, to keep on him a watchful eye. Why then all the nurses sleep, giving snores, hearty and deep? Because Aphonia had a notion to give'm all a sleeping potion. - Is she still asleep? - Sound asleep. - How did it go with you? - Everything's under control. Our trick was a success. Suppose she guesses? It's unlikely. After all, a baby is a baby. There's a resemblance. All babies look alike. And what about a mother's intuition? Rubbish. There is no such thing as a mother's intuition. The women invented it to look more important. Don't you worry. Scat! The heir has been kidnapped! Bye, Baby Bunting, Daddy's gone a-hunting, to get a little rabbit skin to wrap his little baby in. Your mama was so frightened! You weren't in the crib. And it was our father Czar missing his little Czarevich! Our future Czar! What is that birthmark? Now her mother's heart is going to tell her. It's just a fish scale. Come to mama, darling. - It didn't tell her. - It didn't. Our little future Czar! Time flies like lightning, we know it well. You may believe it or you may not, But since our Czar had that drink from the well there have passed 18 years, no less, no more. You're really good at it, Andrey! It's biting! Pull it in! Blast! Got away again! You'll never be a fisherman, father Czar. - Who am I? - Chudo Yudo the Lawless! The mud-green grand-duke of all the lake bottoms. - And what else? - Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera... You should've started with et cetera. - We apologize. - And who are you? We're the Czar's pirates, pirates, pirates. We're bold bandits, bandits, ho-ho! We're all bullies, bullies, bullies, We're fierce as bulldogs, bulldogs, ho-ho! Whoever ever meets us - ...will be unbooted... - ... and looted. Then he'll again be booted and hooted by our song! We'll steer our schooner without any maps, And to the Treasure Island we'll sail one day, perhaps. - Perhaps... - Perhaps... Will sail, perhaps. Sing you do well. But where's the beauty? There's no beauty. Where's the magic carpet? There's no magic carpet. The suitors will look and say: Can it be Chudo Yudo's palace? It's a shack without a single work of art. Go! - Where to? - To the headchoppers! And don't you dare come back with your heads on your shoulders! Throw the thread over this finger and hold it with this one. And put the needle through here. That's exactly how I do it, but it doesn't come out right. Keep trying. Help us, Princess! Your father sent us to the headchoppers again! - Why did he get angry with you? - Because of beauty! - For your suitors... - he demands a magic carpet. I've got no time for this! All right, stop bawling! I'll help you! How nice! A beauty! Let's roll it up and off we go! Wait till Chudo Yudo sees it! C'est si bon! But what I want is to learn how to knit. Why in water d'you want it when you know magic? I don't want magic. I want it for real, to be like ordinary humans. You need a lot of patience for that, my child. - Nanny! - What is it, Barbara? Did you have suitors? I had one... Was he a magician? He was just a farmhand. We were crazy about each other. Vassya was his name. I remember we were out walking in the woods. A wide path we walked, but we got close to each other, as if the path was narrow. And there were a lot of mushrooms around us. But we didn't care to pick any. - Why not? - We were happy just walking. Suddenly Vassya said: "Stepanida, my darling." See, people have everything better than we, the magicians, do. When our mistress found out about our love, she got angry. She sent Vassya to war and locked me in a dark cellar. You should've changed into a dove and filed to Vassya. It's only in your subterranean realm that you can use magic. On earth, magic is worse than robbery. You can't use magic? Vassya was struck by a cannon-ball in his first battle. And he was killed? Desperate, I went to the river and drowned myself. See what love does? - Love? - Love. From every stinking swamp and marsh, from every underwater cave they rush - the suitors, their own matchmakers, are here before Chudo Yudo to appear and ask for his daughter's hand. First suitor! Ali Hussein! Spewing water like rain! He breathes it, he drinks it! Ten gallons, frogs and all! - I don't wanna! - What don't you wanna? - Neither water, nor frogs! - I. - What about fishes? - Oh, papa! Next! This suitor can read people's minds at a distance of any number of miles. Did he drop dead? He's coming to. Welcome back! All right! Read her mind! Why did he do that? He did read my mind! Next! This suitor's a wizard, and blond! - Blond? - Whatever. Who cares? Greetings to you and bonjour! So you're a foreigner. By birth, I'm from here, by education, I'm from there. Where did you graduate from? From an overseas school of prestidigitation. What does it mean? They call it prestidigitation, we call it sleight of foot and hypnosis. How long did you study at that overseas school? Two years and a month. Two years I spent learning to say the word "prestidigitation". And a whole month I studied hypnosis. Shoot, show the thing. Accept my Guten Morgen. Merci. First I'll utter the magic words "eins, zwei, drei" which mean, if translated, "one, two, three, four". Then I'll look the Princess in the eye, and that will be all it takes for her to tell you that I'm her fiance. Slight of hand and nimble working will amount to... A turkey! - Next! - That's it! - What d'you mean? - We ran out of suitors. Out of my sight, unruly daughter! All of you, out of my throne cave! Come back, unruly daughter! No, alone! Mind your father. You think I invited those suitors for my own pleasure? And what suitors! Thoroughbred magicians! I'm thoroughly sick of your thoroughbred magicians! What kind of suitor dou you want, then? A plain suitor, like those on earth. What? On earth? I didn't hear that. My dream is like this: We're on a path in the woods... - And who's "we"? - He and I. The path is wide, but we walk as if it's very narrow. There're mushrooms all around, yet we're not picking them. Suddenly he says: "My darling little dove!" What d'you know! All the mushrooms! - Were there any flap mushrooms? - I think so. Wait. There's a land-lubber czar who has owed me a debt. Hang on, father Czar, I'm going to help my father. Don't be sad, I'll be right back. I'll make a fisherman out of you. - Andrey! - Coming, papa! If you only knew who your papa is. You're my flesh and blood. Your debt! The debt... Bye, Baby Bunting. Daddy's gone a-hunting! To get a little rabbit skin to wrap his little baby in. Eat porridge hot. Eat porridge cold. Eat porridge in the pot Nine days old! Sprinkle it with rose and lavender essence for good smell. The Czar will come back and want to wash his white hands. Scat! Bad news! Chudo Yudo pointed his finger at me. Demons, demons, away! You must have been seeing things. I've waited for this for years. Perhaps, I've had a vision. You've sure had! Calm down and wash your hands. Your debt! I guess that's it! What do we do now? We shouldn't let the little trick we played go to waste. It's time you gave this oaf to Chudo Yudo. What if the oaf refuses? I'll set a trap that he's sure to accept. Do it! There'll be expenses. We'll need four pounds of salted pork, half a dozen herring and a lot of pickled cucumbers. Do it! I'm thirsty! I'm dying of thirst! Bad luck! I forgot to take the water along. - You forgot? - I forgot. Just you wait! The old man will die some day soon. Then I'll have you drawn and quartered, Aphonia! - Don't be angry, Czarevich. - I'm thirsty! There's a well not far from here. - Where? - Right over there... What did I tell you? He couldn't wait to go. You're a sly fox! Great pickles! With horseradish! - Where are you going? - To help him a little bit. Smart fellow! Nice cold water. - Pushed him a little? - Pushed him plenty. Not a nice thing to do, is it? A miracle! I came out of the water all dry. A three-hundred pounder! You dare laugh at me, the Czarevich? Nasty fat boy! Mama! Help! Nannies! Stop yelling! Stop screaming! - Who are you? - A happy fairy from the stump. Are you making fun of me? You're only a guest here, don't you forget that! Under water, do as the underwaterites do! Stop dancing! Tell me what's going on. - Why am I here? - Blame your father's beard. My father's beard? Nanny! You little rascal! Oh Nanny! Oh dear! What's wrong, child? Did anyone hurt you, my little treasure? A bad stranger who is so fat! There, there, my sweet baby! So after 18 years Czar Yeremey had to send you here to pay an old debt. Let him just wait! I'll tell mama! Don't shout! Here's my advice, Czarevich young and nice. Go to Chudo Yudo straight and bow before him, the great! And where do I find your... Chudo Yudo? You'll go straight till you come to a glade. Stamp your foot three times clap your hands twice and whistle. - How? - Like this. If you can't do it like this, a poorer whistle will do. A strange creature will appear when you whistle. He has ears like a hare, eyes, I don't know from where, a lion's tale, though not of the male. He will take you to the ferry, there you yell for the ferrymen. Yes, and then? They're waiting for you on the other side. - Who? - That's a surprise! Not so fast there! What now? You've got to take a carrot along. It's for the strange creature. And a pot of honey. For those who'll ferry you across. Where's his "thank you"? Well fed, but ill bred. Give me some! - Beat it! - You glutton! Come on, don't fear! But give some honey to the bear. See the honey? Go on faster! Smells nice, must be linden blossom. - I bet it tastes good. - It makes my mouth water. Leave some for me! - You'll manage without! - You're not nice! You're a stingy slob! He ate up all the honey! Welcome! - We were waiting for you! - Impatiently! Who are you? - Marquis de la Cat! - Grand Duke de la Buzzard! - Baron de la Swine! - Vicomte de Bulldog! He is nice and fat! Nice and plump! I don't like to be tickled! You look good there. Give him the scepter and the globe. Wrong! The ball in the left, and the stick in the right hand. When I'm no more, you will govern my kingdom instead of me. Father Czar, what have you done to your Czarevich? Tell him. - He is not the Czarevich. - He is the fisherman's son. That's why we gave him to Chudo Yudo instead of you. Instead of me? No! What have you done! Nothing to worry about. A czar can't worry about everybody, he's got to think of his kingdom. You've learned to sit on the throne, now learn how to give orders. Go ahead, give an order. Alright, Aphonia, saddle a horse and bring it to the front door. Now! Hold it! Where are you going? Wait, sonny! What are you doing? - Oh, too bad! - Too bad! You must take a carrot for the strange creature and some honey for those who will ferry you across. Thank you, happy old fairy. Not well fed, and yet well bred. And who are you? I'm Czarevich Andrey, Czar Yeremey's son! Show us your profile! Now the other profile! How about the rear view? - Nice! - Plump! - Well-fed! - And fat! Nothing but shortcake and cream and honey! That's the one who shot at me with his sling. - Can you do tricks? - Not proper for a czar's son. - Can you solve riddles? - That'd be the last straw. Can you do anything? Since I'm a czar's son, I can't do a thing. - I'm not expected to. - Is that so? Why do you ask? I just figured you might marry my daughter. Your daughter? I could if you give her a decent dowry. What sort of miracle can I do to make him give me up? No one would give up a beauty like you. Is your daughter good-looking? - The spitting image of me. - Your spitting image? - What's got into him? - He's plump... - But nervous. - And feeble. - How much is the dowry? - Like all czars' dowries. - Be more exact. - Half the kingdom. - Take it! - What about 60 percent? I have thought of a riddle that can be solved only by a man who is passionate and pure. - Like your Vassya. - Like my Vassya? Nanny! Nanny, darling... Have a taste of this carrot, you strange creature. - Is it a deal? - A deal! Bar-bar-bar-barbara! What sort of miracle is it? What a mischievous child! This is Andrey, son of the Land Czar Yeremey. Guess which one is your bride? If you're wrong, we'll cut off your head! - Cut off my head? - That's the custom. Mama! Which one is my daughter? The first try! - Have a taste of honey. - Thank you! It's delicious, buddy! Bruin, don't eat it all up! Leave some for me! Enjoy! It's all yours! - Goodbye! - Good luck! Second try! Failed again! Third try! Mama! Hey, headsman! Chop his head off! - Stop it! - Who is that with no manners? - It won't help to execute him! - That's what I say. - Cut mine off instead! - Right! His is better! - By the way, who are you? - I'm Czarevich Andrey! - The son of Czar Yeremey! - Which one? - The elder or the younger son? - Neither. Whose son is he, then? A fisherman's son. He's lying! I'm the Czarevich! He is a pretender! I also have a head on my shoulders. Don't worry, you're going to lose it. Don't be in a hurry, Chudo Yudo! He doesn't know that he and I were exchanged. - What? - Who was exchanged? What was exchanged? Where and when was who exchanged? - When we were babies. - Why? To keep me on land, away from your hand. What a cheat! Headsman, give him the axe! - Father, why him? - Instead of me. If it's instead of you, let him guess the riddle, too. This is fair. I don't mind. If you guess right which one is my daughter... I don't even have to guess. You don't? First try! - Here she is! - He guessed right. - Made it on the first try! - He's a real suitor! How did you do it? There were six of us. I never even saw the others. You're the only one for me. The only one? The only one, my darling dove. My darling dove. Why are you growling, you hornless billygoat? - Who? - All right, Your Lawlessness. - What are we going to do? - Let them marry and go on land. - No way! - You gave your word, old goat! I gave it, I took it back! On land? To earthlings? Pfoo! Nanny, I have an awful feeling they want to harm Andrey. Nanny, darling. Chudo Yudo, on his birthday, was awarded a cake of clay. Birthday cake, birthday cake, bottoms up and merry-make! Birthday, on one hand, name day, on the other. Noble underwater lords, shall I sing for you? - We beg you to... - A little song. About what? About love. - About love? Again? - Please! Granny did love her arbitrary goat. Granny did love... - What? - Her arbitrary goat. One-two, one-two, her arbitrary goat! - That's some cake! - You're very trusting old man. You trust a man you hardly know with such an important thing. - What's so important? - Tying a bib around your neck. - So what? - He could tie it a bit too tight. Be careful what you say, Czarevich! Fear not the one who talks without thinking, but the one who thinks without talking. Who do you mean? I wouldn't want to slander good folks, Your Lawlessness. I order you to slander them! - Let them stop up their ears. - Stop up your ears! The fiance Your Lawlessness' daughter has chosen... Is plotting? Is plotting to take the whole underwater kingdom from you. So what? - And to take Barbara on land. - What? Bar-bar-barbara? I'm not going to let him! We're in trouble! - Barbara! - They want to harm you! That way! Oh, handsome Czarevich, come on out for a second. - Show up! - Be so kind! Be condescending, talk to your humble servants! Andrey, dear friend! - Where are they? - They must be at your daughter's. Forward march! Barbara the Fair! Andrey the Handsome! Allow me to kiss you. No, I can't allow it till we're married. - They just can't stop! - Billing and cooing! Just on the cheek now! After we're married! Board and scuttle them! Where are they? This wise daughter of mine has made a jellyfish out of me! She eloped with him, leaving behind their voices. What are you waiting for? Charge! Saddle my thoroughbred steeds, my aristocratic steeds, the jet-fastest steeds in the stables of all bottomwater! They're after us! Follow me! Looks like they've gone underground. We're already underground. They can't go any farther down. Did you see anybody or anything along your way? I saw two lilac-colored rabbits grazing. - Lilac-colored rabbits? - That's right. You've got as much brains as a lilac bush! Go back! After those lilac rabbits! Forward! Back for the lilac rabbits! - The ferry boat! - Come on! Halt! Stay where you are! Bruin, full steam ahead! Aye, aye! Full steam ahead! Surrender! Come back! Or you're going to be sorry! Get out of sight! We'll huff, we'll puff and blow you behind the mountain! You'll turn and turn till the waters dry up! - Come back! - Farewell, father! You unruly daughter... Dive right in, noble lords! Am I tired! - Thank you, Bruin! - Thanks a million! - An anchovy! - A sprat! - A sardine! - A shark! A whale! Follow them! - What is it, my love? - I can't walk, it hurts. - Don't dare come up! - Nobody can help us anymore. I can! What makes you so sad, you hornless old goat? Today is my birthday. Then let's celebrate. Dilly-dong, dilly-dong, we will take a cat along... My head is spinning. I'm going to drop. You're getting too excited now, I'm ordering you to bow down! It's not proper for a czar's son to bow down. - Bow down! - I'm not going to! Don't turn around like that! I'll turn all I like! All right then, turn! I'll whirl all I want! Will miracles never cease? - Why? - My conscience's killing me! - Forget it! - I'll save at least one of them! - How are you going to do it? - I'll go to Chudo Yudo! I'll tell him what you don't even know! What is it that I don't know? Praskovya, don't! Wait, Praskovya! Good people! I'll tell the whole story! Have mercy on the poor widower! Let go, accursed dog! Forgive him. Come on, forgive him. What's this? Who were you beating? He's the son of our father Czar. Andrey Yeremeyevich, the heir to the throne. Am I seeing a ghost? Of course it's Andrey! Only he's not the son of our Czar, he's a plain son of the people. And this boy here is the Czar's son! This one is of the people. And that one is the Czar's son! Have you gone crazy? Bow before him, doubt not. I'll tell you what happened. Good people, forgive me, the sinner! - He's grown pale! - He's grown thin! For Andrey's another birthday, We had a cake from here to yonder! This much high! This much wide! This much long! Birthday cake, birthday cake, Whom you love the choice you make! I admit I love you all, But Andrey, my darling son, best of all! So we had a happy end. There's nothing more to add. Save to bid you all goodbye and to thank you for standing by. As they say, that is that, our tale has come to The End Sam! Darrin. Look what you made me do. You wouldn't have done what you did if you hadn't done what you did. Well, I just got tired running up and down that ladder, and I lost my head. Sam, when are you going... Sweetheart, why don't you just go out and come back and we'll forget this ever happened? - Good morning, sweetheart. - Morning, sweetheart. - I'll bet you don't know what today is. - Let's see. It's too late for Groundhog Day and too early for National Frankfurter Week. What day is it? It's exactly three days, eight hours and 45 minutes since your mother last inflicted herself on us. Now, Darrin, I know Mother can be a bit difficult, but... All right, all right. She can be a lot difficult but she is my mother and she's not without a certain charm. I had hoped that you might come to like her a little. I like her a little. - Very little. - Very little. I guess what bugs me the most is the way she barges in without any advance notice. Well... "Advance notice. I am barging. Endora." Darrin, for once try to be agreeable. No matter what she says, just agree. Please. Okay. But believe me, it won't help. Samantha, my love. How are you? Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed your stupor. Good morning, Endora. How nice you dropped in. You're a sight for sore eyes that brightens an otherwise bleak morning. Keep that up and you'll be a monkey's uncle. Darrin, you'll be late for work. Yes, but it's worth it to make your mother feel welcome. Endora, won't you sit down and rest your weary bones? That does it. Now he's saying I'm too decrepit to stand. Sweetheart, you can't win. Why don't you go to work? Okay. Bye, sweetheart. Bye, Endora. You lay a lip on me and I'll put you in orbit for the rest of your life. I was just reaching for my paper. What in the name of all that's witchly has gotten into him? Nothing. Darrin happens to be an extremely agreeable person. Everyone thinks so. His business associates, his friends. Everyone but you. - Now, don't you think you might be wrong? - Why? Columbus was the only one that thought the world was round and he was right. It's no use. - Excuse me, Mother. - Yes. So agreeable, is he? Well, if he really were, he'd take a nice, long, one-way trip. Or maybe... Yes! I'll zap him into such an agreeable state, he'll be utterly sickening. That was Mrs Kravitz. She had this crazy civic improvement petition. I told her I wouldn't sign it without consulting you. I'd better duck out the back way. And I'm gonna give Adam his bottle. - Bye-bye. - Bye. Just going out the back way. Saying goodbye to you once is bad enough, but twice is revolting. Endora, I'd love to stay and bicker, but... Bee's knees and bell's knell, hearken to my tricky spell. To prove your brain's the size of a pea, with all you hear, you will agree. - Excuse me. Gotta run. - Wait! See how cloudy it is? It might rain. Yeah, it might. I'd better get an umbrella. Whatever for? There isn't a cloud in the sky. You're absolutely right. Bye-bye, Endora. Goodbye, Durwood. Good luck. Oh! Mr Stephens! Mr Stephens! Your wife said you already left, but here you are. That's right. What can I do for you, Mrs Kravitz? I wanted to ask you to sign this petition. We're trying to get the city to do something about the bus stops. Now I don't know how often you've had to wait for a bus, but those benches are terribly uncomfortable and we of the Civic Improvement Committee feel that they should be upholstered. - Upholstered bus benches? - Yes. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, I agree. Where do I sign? Would you be interested in circulating one of these petitions? Of course. Now if you'll excuse me, Mrs Kravitz, I've got to get to work. Oh, sure. I'm sorry I held you up. But these things are terribly important. Oh, I know. I couldn't agree more. - Yes? - Mrs Stephens is on the phone. Thank you. Hi, hon. What's up? Well, frankly, I'm a little puzzled. Gladys Kravitz came back and left a petition. She said you agreed to get signatures. That's right, I did. You're gonna ask people you know to sign a petition for upholstered bus benches? Don't you think that's a little ridiculous? It's a lot ridiculous. Then why did you agree to take the petition? I don't know. Just to be agreeable, I guess. Well, that's fine, sweetheart, but I think you went a little overboard. She's also put you on the Save the Starlings committee. The Starlings? What street do they live on? They are birds. They fly into glass buildings and get hurt. She wants the city to condemn buildings made of glass. - That's very interesting. - It's absurd. That's what I mean. It's absurdly interesting. Just a minute. Yes? Mr Tate would like to see you in the office right away. Okay. I've gotta run, Sam. Talk to you later. Bye. Hi, Larry. Oh. New clubs? Yes. You know me. I'm always trying to improve my game. You ought to try cheating. It's cheaper. You know, I thought we might go over a few things before Shotwell arrives. Good idea. I'm anxious to turn this account over to you, but it's got to be handled delicately. Darrin, you've got to be diplomatic. Without compromising your principles, of course. - Larry, I agree with you 100%. - You do? That's great. You know how much I respect your integrity. But let's face it, sometimes you go overboard. You're right, Larry. I do. Well, I'm glad to hear you admit that, for once. - Yes? - Mr Shotwell is here. Ask him to come right in. Oh, just one last thing. He claims he doesn't like yes men. But the truth is, he hates people who disagree with him even more. So I want you to be... Mr Shotwell! Good to see you. This is Darrin Stephens. Heard a lot of good things about you, young fellow. - Well, thanks. - Any of it true? - Have a seat, Mr Shotwell. - I certainly hope so. And Larry has filled me in on what a dynamic and inspiring person you are. - That's a lot of baloney. - It certainly is. I forgot to tell you about Stephens' sense of humour. It's a little peculiar. But you know these geniuses. - Frankly, I find geniuses a pain in the neck. - So do I. They're also the only ones who come up with original ideas. Exactly. The world needs geniuses. Apparently there's one thing they didn't tell you about me, Stephens. I don't like yes men. I'm well aware of that, sir, and I happen to share that feeling. Let's get down to business, shall we? You know my feeling that the advertising campaigns of Shotwell Pharmaceuticals can use some new blood. That's why I brought Stephens into the picture. He's roughed out some ideas with a younger, fresher approach and I'll turn the floor over to him. You think our approach has been too conservative, do you? - Yes. I completely agree with Mr Tate. - Well, I don't. - You're absolutely right. - What? Listen, why get bogged down in semantics, huh? Explain your approach to Mr Shotwell and show him some of your layouts. Certainly. First of all, let's take a look at your slogan. "Oldest pharmaceutical establishment in America." Now, that's a dignified, impressive concept. But in today's jargon, the word "establishment" has negative connotations, particularly to the young people. Three-quarters of our customers are over 40. Yes, and that's why I say never change your slogan. Well, I have just one thing to say. If you're that anxious to get off my account, I'll make it easy for you. You'll have a letter of cancellation in the morning. Now wait a minute, Mr Shotwell. Never mind Stephens. I'll stay on the account myself and I promise you I'll do everything to... Congratulations. In three minutes, you managed to destroy a 21-year relationship. Why? Why did you have to be so darned agreeable? I certainly did agree a lot, didn't I? I don't know whether to strangle you or fire you. Either one's okay with me, Larry. That's the first thing you've agreed to that makes sense. But I can't fire an old friend, so why don't you take a little vacation till I cool off? Okay. How long? A year or two should do it. Then he suggested I take a little vacation till he cooled off. - How long a vacation? - A year or two. Darrin, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've been fired. Yeah. I know. What happened exactly? Well, Larry pleaded with me to be diplomatic. He said Shotwell hated people who disagreed with him and, well, I guess I went a little overboard. Actually, then Larry's just as much to blame as you are, isn't he? You're right. - Maybe it's time you made a change. - I agree. What kind of a change? - Well, a change in jobs. What else? - You're absolutely right. As a matter of fact, I know where there's an opening. Stone, Fraser, Moreheim, Cooper, Cooper and Washburn. They don't sound like they have room for anyone else. - One of the top outfits in the country. - I see. I've got to check around to see if anyone can drop my name with Washburn. He's the one that counts. Sweetheart, as long as you're home, do you mind if I go out for a little while? I have a few errands to run. - No, go ahead. - Okay. See you later. Bye, sweetheart! - Oh, Mr Washburn. - Yes? The mayor's on the phone. Tell him I've left for lunch. I'll call him back later. - Where will you be lunching? - The usual place. Well, I'll see you later. And enjoy your Darrin Stephens. - What? - I said, enjoy your lunch. How long has it been since Wiley's had a vacation? She just came back from one. Must have had a wild time. - Let me see that list of candidates. - Yes. Parker, party of two. Darrin, party of Stephens. - Table for one? - No, thank you. I'm waiting for someone. - Ready to order? - Yeah. I'll have another drink. - Make it a double. - You think that's a good idea? A little Darrin or two makes a better Stephens, I always say. Maybe you're right. Forget the drink. I'll have the swordfish. Yes, sir. Would you like that à la carte or on the Darrin? - What? - À la carte or on the dinner? - Fine. Either way. - And for you, sir? I'll have the steak sandwich and more coffee. Thank you. Enjoy your Darrin Stephens now. What's your feeling? Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, I think that far and away, the best man for us is Darrin Stephens. - Who? - Darrin Stephens. He's not even on the list. Well, why isn't he? He's far and away the best man for us. Sam? Hi, sweetheart. You want to hear a fantastic coincidence? Washburn just called me. The agency I told you about? I start tomorrow! - He hired you over the phone? - Yes. He seemed very insistent about it. Well, that's marvellous. I certainly hope that... Hi, Mrs Stephens. I just came by to tell Mr Stephens the good news. Oh? What's that? I've just been made chairman of the Save the Starlings committee. Well, this is really your lucky day. See you at the meeting. Bye. Darrin, why did you agree to be chairman of that ridiculous committee? Well, because she asked me to. - Suppose she asked you to jump in a lake. - There's no lake near here. You know something? Either you're having a nervous breakdown or my mother has struck again. Tell me, did you and Mr Washburn agree on a salary? Yes. And it's only a few thousand less than I'm making now. That does it. Mother! I thought I'd be hearing from you. - Take it off. - In mixed company? Now, Mother, you know very well what I am talking about. You put a spell on Darrin to make him agree with anything or anyone. And you object? Mother, the depth of your lack of feeling is not to be believed. Do you realise that your feeble little joke has cost Darrin his job? Oh, Samantha, stop making so much ado about nothing. Sam... What kind of an incantation is that? Samantha, I refuse to stay here and bicker. Are you all right? - It's none of your business! - What? - Don't stand there gaping. Get me a drink. - Oh, no! Mother. Mother, what have you done to him? Oh, good grief. It's "reverse the spell" backwards. What the devil are you mumbling about? Would you get that, Sam? I'm busy. Hi, Sam. Is Darrin... Oh, there you are! I was just driving by on my way home and I thought I'd drop in. This isn't on your way home. Darrin, I think Larry's trying to make a gesture. Yes? Well, I'm making one, too. Goodbye. Well, of all the ungracious, disagreeable... This morning you fired me for being too agreeable. Who said I fired you? What do you call a two-year vacation without pay? So I lost my temper. Now I'm apologising. Not interested in your apology. Sam, for the sake of your family, you ought to have a talk with him. Jobs like his don't grow on trees. Larry, I wish you'd gotten here a few minutes earlier. - Well, Shotwell didn't call me till... - Shotwell called you? - Yes. - He liked the layouts, right? Well, to be perfectly frank, yes. Well, well, well. Now, why don't you stop this, both of you, and admit that, basically, you have a great affection and admiration for each other? Darrin, I'm sorry. I'll see you first thing in the morning, right? Wrong. He's starting in again! All right, Mother, you've had your kicks. Now you better come and clean up this mess, or you're gonna hear a lot of yelling. Mother! Samantha, you're such a killjoy. Really. - Mother! - I'm doing it. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Bee's knees and bell's knell, I order you to remove the spell. Return this mortal to his normal state. If this doesn't work, I simply can't wait. What was I saying? How good it is to have Darrin back. - Yeah. Good to have you back, old friend. - Good to be back, Larry. - You can't bust up a team like ours. - No way. Come on. I'll make you a drink. We have our differences, sure. And a lot of relationships might not survive them. But with us it only serves to sharpen our appreciation of each other. Because we know that deep in our hearts, we have that kind of common bond that's rare in this world. And why? The answer's as simple as it is beautiful. Because we have respect for each other's ideas and opinions. - But most of all... - You get out. ...we're sensitive to each other's feelings. And all this adds up to one thing, Darrin, the team. Yeah. The team. You and me. And my mother. Sweetheart, I don't blame you for being upset. There are times when Mother just goes too far. You're implying there are times when she doesn't? You think she dislikes you, but you're wrong. She likes me? Well, I didn't say that. She just doesn't care for mortals, and you happen to be one. Well, I'm going to be one as long as I live. You know, I know there's no hope of her learning to like me, but do you think in time she'd learn to ignore me? Sweetheart, Esmeralda is babysitting and we're all set for a lovely evening out. So let's just put Mother out of our minds. There's only one way to do that. We've got to put Mother out of our minds more often. - Mrs Kravitz. - Where are you going? - Out to dinner. - You can't! You promised to address the Save the Starling committee. - When did I do that? - This afternoon. Mrs Kravitz, when I agreed, I really didn't know what I... What Darrin is trying to say, Mrs Kravitz, is that when he said he'd do it, he was really under... Under... Yes? Sweetheart, why don't you go over there and say a few words to the committee? You'll come? Oh, good! I'll just run over and tell them you're on your way. Sam, I don't know anything about starlings. Then you're even. They don't know anything about you either. (♪ Instrumental jazz playing) (Recording) 'Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! ' 'Stop, thief! Stop ...' 'Unless my security device is reset,' 'I am timed to self-destruct in 15 seconds.' '14 ...' 'My security device is now primed.' 'I will give audible warning of any unauthorised contact.' (Mother) I am in a creative mood, Rhonda. Trundle me. Top secret memorandum to Grandma. Subject: the transmission of vital secrets, codes, currencies, plans and other sundry items used by the other side. It is vital to both security and the nation that all agents should get their priorities right. We have found that these items are situated in an attaché case which is being passed hand-to-hand by a chain of enemy agents, number unknown ... destination of the case unknown. We have, however, located its first delivery point, which at this very moment of time is under the surveillance of Tara King and Captain Andrews. - Morning. - Morning, Miss King. - Well, we're all set. - Anything happened yet? Not a lot. Take a look. - Well, what do you see? - Just a man on a bike. - Nothing else? - No, nothing else. Good. Considering I've got 30 men staked out in the area, that's a considerable achievement. Who's the man on the bike? He's the second link in the chain. If my information is correct, somebody will be bringing him the case very soon. - And then we'll jump on him. - Oh, no, we won't. No, we shall let the transfer take place. Then a specialised team will follow the case through all its exchanges until it reaches its final recipient. - And that's the man we're after? - That's right. - The man at the top. - Mr Big. - The mastermind. - The arch villain. Exactly. You've got enough equipment here to launch a moon shot. - Anything approaching on the detector? - No. - Is that the man on the motor bike? - That's right. How are you going to follow him after he makes the pick-up? I've got cars parked on all the roads round here, two helicopters permanently in the air. We shall stay closer to him than his shadow and he'll never even know it. That's a definite contact. All units? 'Intruder approaching from the north-west.' He should be inside by now. Report. - 'Nothing visible.' - 'Area clear.' - 'Nothing in sight.' - 'All clear. Nobody in the area.' I've got a definite reading less than 300 yards out now. 'Still nothing.' 'Nobody in the area. Section clear.' - 'All clear.' - 'Nothing visible.' They must see him now. Phillipson, he's very near you now. 'Absolutely nothing, sir. Nothing in sight at all.' He's less than 100 yards out. 'I'm sorry, sir. There's nobody.' What's happening, Andrews? Who have you got out there? The Invisible Man? (Andrews) He's still coming. 50 yards now. (Tara) Nobody could get this close. (Andrews) Somebody's doing it. - He's still coming. - He's almost here. It's a dog. - 'A dog? ' - 'It's a dog. Look, it's a dog.' - 'A dog? ' - 'A dog? ' A dog? (Growling) He's seen us. Pick him up. Stop him! The lock, that's this here. The lock has been designed to take a number of keys. Each key will turn the lock just a few degrees. - (Tara) That looks like a tape recorder. - That's my guess. Can't you break it open? Up here, that's over here, that's an explosive charge. Nothing too powerful but enough to destroy the case if it's tampered with. Now, behind all of this is a screen, and behind the screen is a compartment. Well? What's in it? I don't know as yet. We'll have to get a few more X-rays. Excuse me. Miss King, he's conscious now. - Oh, thank you. Can he talk? - You'll have to be quick. - Have you found anything? - No. - Nothing to help find the next contact? - No. - What about keys? - Ah, yes, there's some keys. But they don't fit. Trent, can you hear me? Where were you going to take the case? Who's next in the chain? Trent, who gives you your instructions? The case. It's all in the case. - I wonder why he took the jacket off. - Oh, no idea. "Love." Love laughs at locksmiths. - Look. Look at this one. - What do you think, Major? Could be. It could be. - Do you want to chance it? - What have we got to lose? (Recording) 'Take me to Room 27 at the Cremorne Hotel, Sloane Street.' 'A reservation has been made in the name of Richard Strauss.' 'Take me there at once.' 'I will issue further instructions in precisely one hour's time.' 'That is all.' Morning, everybody. Beautiful day. I'd like you all to meet Mr Strauss, Mr Richard Strauss. I don't imagine it figures prominently on the list of the world's great hotels. Oh, I don't know. It has a sort of faded gentility. It's probably full of lovely old ladies in lavender lace who sit sipping tea and remembering. - Remembering what? - Whatever old ladies remember. Think I should come in with you? No, they're expecting Richard Strauss. I'd better do it alone. You'd better hurry. The hour's almost up. Oh, yes. The little man in here is due to deliver his next message. - Mm. - I'll be back. Watch out for the old ladies. 'Attention. Your contact will arrive within the next three hours.' 'Put me out of sight in the wardrobe and make yourself comfortable.' 'Thank you for your cooperation. That is all.' 'You will take me to 11, Heston Avenue, at 8 o'clock this evening.' 'You will ask for Miss Graham. That is all.' Number 11. - If I'm not back in ten minutes ... - I'll come looking. By the way, that was good work, getting this back. (Woman) And up and round and up and round, and round and round and up and round! And up and round and round and round and up and up and round! And up and round and round and round and up and ... Good evening. And all the little fairies are getting tired, very tired. And rest. - And a few moments of free expression. - Ow! - Full of high spirits, aren't they? - Yes, very. Your set piece now, fairies, from your tableau. Very interesting tableau. What is it? Custer's Last Stand? Wings, Beryl. There's a good fairy. Long, Audrey Long, Miss. Steed, John Steed, Mister. Beryl, now stop that! - All destined for the Bolshoi? - Oh, gosh, no. Shouldn't think so. They're pretty awful, but I teach them what I can. (Steed) I see you include karate in your curriculum. (Audrey) Beryl! All right, you little ... fairies. On your feet and away for the day. The sandman's coming. Run along home, then. Off you go to your little ... cages. Sorry about that. Excuse me. (Screams) Had to get that out of my system. If I didn't do that at least once every day, I'd massacre them. Oh. You haven't got a little monster? I mean, a dear, sweet child you wish to enrol? Oh, no, no. Actually, I came to try and find a Miss Graham. Miss Graham? Oh, you mean Sally! - So she is here? - Mm. I'll fetch her for you if you like. Sally? Visitor for you. How do you do? I'm Sally Graham. Oh. Oh, er, I'm extremely pleased to meet you, Miss Graham. My name is Steed, John Steed. I see you've brought my case, Mr Steed. Er, yes. Thank you very much. I've enjoyed meeting you. - Good night, Mr Steed. - Good night. Now, all you little fairies, be quiet as you go out. - All on your tippy toes. - Good night. Nighty-night! Excuse me. I have to change. Jolly nice meeting you. Jolly nice ... Um, Miss ... Ah, Miss Graham, Sally. Er, Sally, where's the case? - What case, Mr Steed? - Let me put it another way. How would you like 20 large lollipops like that one? Are you trying to bribe me, Mr Steed? - In a word ...yes. - Oh, good. Frankly, my susceptibility to bribes is one of my few failings. Then we both know where we stand. Good, then let's talk money and not lollipops. 10 shillings? - £25. - 25? You wouldn't want to take advantage just because I'm a little girl. I see your point. Now, if you can get me that case ... It's here, Mr Steed. I wish you'd waited a minute longer, Auntie Audrey. - A girl can do a lot with £25. - Come on, darling. Aren't we going to weight him and toss him in the river? Not today, darling. Aren't we even going to empty his wallet? How do you feel? As thought Nijinsky was dancing a pas brisé inside my head wearing hob-nail boots. You've got everything under control. Well, I've got the case. Look in her handbag for the key. - You'd be wasting your time. - Why? - I know where it is. - You do? Well, why don't you tell Uncle John and Auntie Tara? And then we'll give you a lovely present. Don't waste time on little-girl talk. I should think she's one of the Gnomes of Zurich. - How much? - Same price. £25 invested in blue-chip equities could show a high yield by the time I'm 21. (Steed) If you reach it. - Thank you. - The key? Help me up. I am queen of the fairies and when I wave my magic wand, all your wishes will be granted. Alakazan kazam! 'You will take me to the telephone box in Cranleigh High Street.' 'You will stand in the box at 9 o'clock when I will issue further instructions.' 'That is all.' Alakazan kazam. Oh, Sally, just remember one thing. Money isn't everything. Oh, Mr Steed. Don't shatter a little girl's illusions. Auntie Audrey? Audrey? Time to get up. And don't feel too bad. I've cut you in for 5%. Ah, Colonel Stonehouse. Is this a social visit? I'm afraid not. But then, neither is it an official visit. Just one department head talking to another. - Off the record? - Exactly. May I be frank? I admire it. I abhor hyperbole. This man, the man at the top, the one to whom we hope the case will lead us. What about him? A number of people believe that he's a person of considerable trust. - A view I share myself. - Yes. A number of people also ... I hope you won't misunderstand, but a number of people think ... That the man at the top is me? Oh, yes, Colonel. It's my job to acquaint myself with all rumours, however malicious or unpleasant. Yes, I know that I am the number one suspect. Needless to say, I do not subscribe to this theory. You'd be a darn fool if you didn't. This case has been running on now for 18 months. Four of my agents have been killed. I'm in a position to lay false trails, betray my own men. Oh, now, Colonel. I think I make a very good number one suspect. And you make a very good number two. - Me? - That's what they're saying. But this is outrageous. How dare they? Me? Once these rumours start, like this wine, they leave an aftertaste. The only way to eradicate them is total success. Our reputations depend on the real traitor being uncovered. That's a burden I don't want Steed to know he's carrying. For the moment, all that matters is that he doesn't let that case out of his sight for one second. 'Your next contact has already passed the telephone box and identified you. 'You will now go to a place of safety where the transfer can be made.' 'Your contact will follow you. That is all.' I like that. I like your style. We'd make a pretty good team. If this is what you came for, take it and get out. There's no big rush. Relax, sweetheart. Look, you pour out some drinks. Let's talk a little. Some other time. - When? - I don't know. I'll tell you what, I could come back later tonight. The only thing I have to do is deliver the case. Well, that might take hours. Never has yet. Well, where do you have to take it? I shan't know until I've used my key. Well, why don't you use it now? If it's not too far, I might come with you. Not even for you, sweetheart. Where I keep my key and where I go are strictly top secret. I don't mind. I tell you what. You, er ... You put a little wine on ice, you play a little soft music, you change into something tight, and I'll be back before you know it. I'll be here. Don't lose him, Steed. 'You will take me to Room 6 in Colton House.' 'Before doing so, however,' 'there is a matter of security to be taken care of.' 'You will kill your last contact.' 'Repeat, you will kill your last contact.' That didn't take long, did it? I'm sorry about this, sweetheart. I really am sorry. What are you talking about? I liked your style. I really did like your style. And why the past tense? - Turn around. - Now, listen! I said turn around! It's the eyes. I don't like looking at the eyes when I do it. You're not going to kill me, are you? We could have had something rather good going for us. Keep looking straight ahead. Goodbye, sweetheart. Believe me, I really am sorry. (Gunshot) You, hands above your head. You, on your feet. You, woman, up! Right down. You, hands above your head. Stop. You, woman! Hands above your head. - Who are you? - Steed, security. We've been watching the woman for some time, but picking you up is quite a bonus. Hands behind your back. - (Whispers) Jump me. - What? Jump me. Try that again, young lady ... Right. That should hold you. Now, what have we got around here? (Whispers) Try and grab the rope with your free hand. - Where do I take it? - What? The case. I'll grab it and try and make a break for it. I can't tell you. Now, listen, the only important thing is to get that case to its next contact. Just a minute. I'm free. Now, quickly. There's not much time. Where? Where? Room 6, Colton House. I like your style, sweetheart. 6, Colton House. Is that what you want to know, Mr Steed? You're a genius, Miss King. I'm sorry, sweetheart, really sorry. I was right about one thing. She certainly has style. No, let me look at that. Now at that one. Just as I thought. Something in that case has shifted position. - Yes, you're right. - Any idea what it is? It's certainly not built-in. Well, then, it's whatever it is that has to be delivered. Yes, that's probable. I'll send up some prints to forensics. They might come up with something. Let me know as soon as you hear. - Anything? - Not yet. I've been thinking ... The chances of following that case through to its final destination must be 99 to 1 against. Well, I wouldn't put them that high. However, I do anticipate difficulty. Let's face it, Mother. The purpose of the chain of couriers is to make it impossible to follow. It's a brilliant concept and quite infallible. Well, it's worth a try. I'm sure Steed and Tara are making progress. - Then why haven't we heard? - Probably too busy to get near a phone. 6, Colton House. - I can't go in there. - Oh, come on, Steed. Just because he's a karate expert, that's no reason to ... I know that man. It's Tim, Captain Tim. And he knows me. Well, he won't know if his contact is supposed to be a man or a woman. - That's a fair assumption, but ... - But? You've just seen what he can do. Now, be careful. - Excuse me ... - Kiai! This is a man's club. That's nice. Kiai! You're not a man. It's decent of you to have noticed. Kiai... That's my part of the job done. - Where did you get this? - You're not supposed to ask me that. - I am asking. - Well, I'm not telling. Let me put it this way. My contact's name would be Cavell. Oh, that's my name, Tara Cavell. You? Yes. I'm sorry I don't have any papers to prove it. - We can do better than this. - Really? You see, I know something else about my contact. - You do? - Heard a lot about Cavell. Cavell is supposed to be the only person in the world who can beat me in a fight. All right, Cavell, prove it. Prove it. (Clang) If anyone had told me, I'd never have believed it. - What? - You. That last blow. What did you hit me with? An iron bar? You're good, very good. Superlative even. And I'm Tara Cavell. - I'm convinced. - Good. - Oh! - What's the matter? My leg, I think it's broken. Oh? Your knee, do you think? - That's it. - What? It means you'll have to do it. - Do what? - Take the case onto the next contact. I can't do that. It's against the rules. Yeah, but this is an emergency. I mean, you don't expect me to hop there, do you? Please, will you? For me. Well, all right. You wouldn't like to do me another favour, would you? What's that? Don't tell anybody you beat me. It will be our secret. (Thud) Well, you must admit, it was no trouble at all getting this key. 'Take me to 84, Patrick Street,' 'and leave me there at midnight precisely.' (Whirring) No one home. Come on in. It's a wild guess but I'd say that our contact ... was a musician. Brilliant. Try another deduction. A man or a woman? Definitely. Well, shall we wait or come back later? Oh, no, the case was quite specific. We have to hand it over at precisely midnight. Well, we've got five minutes to go. We'll wait. - How many more, do you think? - How many more what? How many more contacts before we reach the man at the top? It's hard to tell but I should think we're pretty close. Oh, that's beautiful. It is? You can tell that at a glance. It's made by pupil of Stradivarius. Oh, the patina! That mellow glow, that's been achieved by hundreds of years of caressing. That's the work of a master. - There's a label inside. - Probably the maker's signature. Mm. The East India Plywood and Timber Box Company Limited. - Oh. - (Footsteps) Someone coming. Quick, quick, quick. How do you do? Let me make my position clear. I'm opposed to physical violence, so to avoid unpleasantness, why don't you tell me where the key is? This is no time for a clarinet solo. 'A' sharp, I imagine. You should've delivered it and left. Now I'll have to kill you. I was curious to know where you kept the key. It's all in here, man. All you have to do is play the right notes. That's a sad epitaph for a musician. "He died flat." What about the key? He said that all you had to do was to play the right notes. He was about to pick up one of these before he went to the curtains. - A sonic key. - What? You know the things they fix in garages? The doors open in response to the sound from a motor horn. You mean the key is a note played on this? A note or a combination of notes. (No sound comes out) - I thought you could play the tuba. - Eh? - You've got one in your apartment. - That's to put flowers in. (Plays a tune) I didn't know you could play the trumpet. First time. Hold this. That's very good. But it's no use. There must be hundreds and thousands of combinations. As far as I know, they're still searching for the lost chord. 'At precisely 8 a.m., you will deposit me outside the luggage loading bay' 'at King's Cross Station.' 'That is all.' We have to face it. It's evident that Steed has failed. I will not concede defeat until I am defeated. It was a slim chance by any standard. Nil desperandum, Stonehouse. Chin up and all that sort of rot. We've identified the object in the case. - Well? - Half a million pounds in notes. - You know what this means. - The final pay-off. They won't use the system again. If we don't pin down Mr Big this time ... Then we'll never get him. 'Take me to St Bartholomew's Church.' 'Deposit me in the Cunningham family crypt.' 'That is all.' The Cunningham family crypt. 'I thank you for your cooperation in bringing me here.' 'Unfortunately, in the interests of security,' 'sacrifices have to be made.' 'I am a substitute case, designed to mislead any pursuers.' 'To maintain security it is necessary that you do not survive.' 'The crypt is hermetically sealed and I will shortly emit a poisoned gas.' 'To make your last minutes more comfortable,' 'I contain a small gift.' 'Thank you and goodbye.' 'Stop, thief! Stop, thief! ' 'Unless my security device is reset,' 'I am timed to self-destruct in ten seconds.' 'Nine, eight, seven, six, five,' 'four, three, two, one, zero.' Well, this is a surprise. It's dastardly to bring the case here. Here! They were obviously trying to cast suspicion on you. It might have worked if I hadn't been involved. Well, you're certainly no traitor. Despite your little foibles, you're above suspicion. Thank you very much for saying so. - Foibles? - The problem is ... What foibles? Now, how will Mr Big collect that from here? Well, let us see what might have happened. You might have been relieved from your assignment. And the case given into the custody of one of our people. That's it. That's how he'll collect it. Now, someone will come here and ... I rushed over as soon as I heard the news. So it's true, then. Back to square one. It gives me a chance to conduct more tests. - Not just yet, Glasgow. - Why waste time? Ah. So that's the case. Yes, but no sign of the man it was destined for. I've been thinking about that. The money. Might be a chance of tracing it to give us one end of the chain. - Possibly. - Perfectly. You're forgetting one thing. We can't open the case, not without destroying the contents. Nonsense. My bomb disposal boys have handled trickier things than this. They ought to be given the opportunity. 'My final collection is long overdue.' 'I must assume that I have fallen into the wrong hands.' 'I will self-destruct myself and my contents in 15 seconds.' '14, 13,' '12,11,' '10, 9, 8, 7, 6 ...' - A little trap we set up. - And you swallowed it. That rather surprised us. We did you a disservice, old chap. We thought it was you. So it was me all along. Doesn't matter now. There's enough here to enable me to disappear. Goodbye, Steed, Mother. (Tyres screech) (Hissing) (Tara) He's opened the wrong case. (Steed) 'Tara, it just won't work.' 'There's not room in my apartment for Fang the Wonder Dog and me.' 'I hope you don't mind but I've packed his case' 'and I'm sending him to you for his holidays.' (Tara) 'Steed, I hope I'm not doing you an injustice,' 'but I have a nasty, sneaky suspicion you're going to get me to adopt Fang.' 'Hard luck. I'm spending the weekend with my aged aunt in Cheltenham.' (Steed) 'I'm sure you'll both get along well.' 'He's a teeny bit fussy with his food.' 'Likes venison, steak tartare and vintage port.' 'Other than that, he's no trouble at all.' (Tara) 'Now, don't get me wrong, I like Fang.' 'But I wouldn't be able to give him the exercise he needs.' (Steed) 'A ten-mile romp morning and evening is all he wants.' 'It'll do you both good.' (Tara) 'There's nowhere for him to sleep.' (Steed) 'You'll find he'll curl up anywhere.' 'Just toss an old mink jacket into a corner and he'll be happy.' (Tara) 'Whatever you say, the answer's no.' 'No. No! ' - (Steed) 'I knew you'd understand.' - (Barking) 'Just one more thing ...' 'He will insist on inviting all his friends around to stay.' (Tara) 'It shouldn't happen to a dog.' (Barking continues) SIX MORAL TALES MY NIGHT AT MAUD'S Have mercy on us all. With the Virgin Mary, blessed mother of God, the apostles and all the saints, may we share eternal life and glorify you through your beloved son Jesus Christ. Through Him, in Him and with Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, Almighty Father, forever and ever. Let us pray. Mindful of our savior's bidding, we take heart and say: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name... Deliver us, we pray thee, Lord, from every evil, past, present and to come, and through the intercession of the blessed and glorious ever-virgin Mary, of thy blessed apostles Peter and Paul, of Andrew and all the saints, grant peace in our day, so that, with thy merciful help, we may be ever free from sin and safe from all disquietude. Through Jesus Christ, thy Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God for ever and ever. The peace of the Lord be always with you. And with your spirit. Lamb of God... who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world. Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee under my roof, but only say the word and my soul will be healed. It's 6:30! We came to a tight curve. We were doing over 100, despite the speed limit. The car zigzagged back and forth, but we made it somehow. See what's in store? Where do you live? In the Chanturgue hills. I was lucky enough to find a place to build a little house there. - Among the vineyards? - That's right. And where do you live? We're almost neighbors. I live just south of you. No, northwest. It's just a small apartment, but it's quiet. It's impossible to live here in Clermont these days. What about you? - I live in Ceyrat. Isn't that a bit far? - Not really. - Nice place, Ceyrat. The roads get real icy up there. They haven't been yet. It's actually a friend's place. He's working abroad. That Monday, December 21st I suddenly knew without a doubt that Françoise would be my wife. "They began as though they did believe, with holy water and masses, etc. You too may follow that way to unthinking belief. - That's what I fear. - Why? What have you got to lose? It's the way to diminish the passions, which are your stumbling blocks." - You staying here for Christmas? - Definitely. But I'll be visiting family for New Year's. Come skiing. They're forecasting snow. - It never snows at Christmas. - My friends have already been skiing. I was joking. I spent some time in Canada - Ah, right. Protestant countries make a big thing out of Christmas. Families stay indoors and don't even know if it's snowing. - Are you Protestant? - Yes. And you? Catholic. My family was Catholic, and I kept it up. - Vidal! You're here in Clermont? - You too? - Let's get together sometime. - How about now? Good-bye. Have a good vacation. - Are you teaching at the university? - Yes, philosophy. What about you? - May I? I've been with Michelin since October. I'm just back from South America. Strange we haven't bumped into each other. I go straight home to Ceyrat at night. I eat out occasionally, but I prefer to cook at home. Social life abroad was hectic. I need a little solitude. I can leave. No, I meant I'm not trying to meet new people. People here are like anywhere else. But I'm delighted I ran into you. - You're not married? - No. You? No. I mean... no. I'm in no hurry. But a bachelor's life isn't much fun in the provinces. What are you doing tonight? - Nothing. How about dinner? I'm going to Leonide Kogan's recital. Come along. I've got a spare ticket. I don't feel like listening to music tonight. All Clermont will be there. Lots of pretty girls. Your students? There are very pretty girls here, but you don't see them around much. I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead. I've never knocked anyone dead. Very well. I'll go, but just to prove you wrong. - Mineral water. - Orange juice. - You come here a lot? - Almost never. And you? I've never set foot in here before. And yet our paths cross right here. How strange. On the contrary. Our ordinary paths never cross. Therefore, the point of intersection must be outside those ordinary paths. I've been dabbling in mathematics in my spare time. It'd be fun to calculate our chances of meeting in a two-month period. Can it be done? It's a matter of data and how you handle it. Provided the data exists. Obviously, if I don't know where a person lives or works, I can't work out the odds of running into them. Are you interested in mathematics? It's increasingly important for a philosopher. In linguistics, for example. But even basic things. pascal's arithmetical triangle is connected to his wager. That's what makes Pascal so amazingly modern. Mathematician and philosopher are one. - Good old Pascal. - You surprised? Funny you mention him. I'm just now rereading him. And? I'm very disappointed. Go on. I'm really interested. Oh, I don't know. I feel I know him almost by heart, yet he tells me nothing. It all seems so empty. I'm a Catholic, or at least I try to be, but he doesn't fit in with my notion of Catholicism. It's precisely because I'm a Christian that his austerity offends me. If that's what Christianity is about, then I'm an atheist. Are you still a Marxist? Absolutely. For a Communist, pascal's wager is very relevant today. Personally, I very much doubt that history has any meaning. Yet I wager that it has, so I'm in a Pascalian situation. Hypothesis A: Society and politics are meaningless. Hypothesis B: History has meaning. I'm not at all sure B is more likely to be true than A. More likely the reverse. Let's even suppose B has a 10 percent chance of being true, and A has 80 percent. Nevertheless... I have no choice but to opt for B, because only the hypothesis that history has meaning... allows me to go on living. Suppose I bet on A, and B was true, despite the lesser odds. I'd have thrown away my life. So I must choose B to justify my life and actions. There's an 80 percent chance I'm wrong, but that doesn't matter. Mathematical hope. Potential gain divided by probability. With your hypothesis B, though the probability is slight, the possible gain is infinite. In your case, a meaning to life. In Pascal's, eternal salvation. It was Gorky, Lenin or maybe Mayakovsky who said about the Russian revolution that the situation forced them to choose the one chance in a thousand. Because hope became infinitely greater if you took that chance than if you didn't take it. Let's get together tomorrow. It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to midnight mass. Want to come along? Why not? I was to spend it with a friend, but she may be involved in family problems. - It was just a casual offer. - No, I'd really like to. I can't see her before midnight anyway. She has to go get her daughter. She's divorced. We could both call on her after mass. The happiness I wish for you this Christmas, the happiness I seek for you with this mass that we celebrate together, is a new and profound joy. It's not the joy of times past, of childhood memories, of Christian customs piously maintained, but a living joy, a joy for today. This birth we celebrate is not only the birth of Jesus. It's our birth. Something should be born in each of us tonight. Every man and every woman is asked tonight to believe in a fresh, pervasive joy... for at this night's core lies the guarantee of our hope. We can't visit her tonight. Her ex was in town. They had financial matters to settle. She's exhausted and went to bed. We'll go tomorrow. - No, I don't know her. You'll get to know each other. She's a remarkable woman. There aren't many like her. You'll both be delighted to meet each other. Don't get ahead of yourself. She's lived a secluded life since her divorce. She feels out of place in her own crowd. She's a pediatrician. Her ex is a doctor too. He was a professor here. Now he's in Montpelier. She's... very beautiful. Marry her. No. I mean, we discussed it. But we don't get along well on a day-to-day basis. But we're still the best of friends. I asked you to come because otherwise I know she and I will make love. Then I won't go. No, do. We'd only be doing it to pass the time, and that's no solution for either of us. Besides, I'm a puritan, as you know. More than me? Much more. Good evening, Teresa. Such affection! You're in rare form. - We haven't seen other in ages. - A whole week. Have a seat. So you haven't seen each other in 15 years? About 14, really. - And you recognized each other? - At once. He hasn't changed. You neither. Two cases of protracted adolescence. Is that a criticism or a compliment? Neither. A simple statement of fact. Yet we've led very different lives. He's had lots of adventures. Tell me more. No, it's just that I spent a long time abroad. In the wilds? No, in very bourgeois cities. Vancouver and Valparaiso. Valparaiso is bourgeois? At least, the people I mixed with were as bourgeois as people you might meet in Lyons or Marseilles. Or here. One's always condemned to the provinces. I shouldn't say "condemned." I actually prefer them. But you want to leave Clermont. Not the place - the people. I'm tired of the same old faces. Even mine? I've decided to go. If you love me, follow me. - What if I did? - I'd be very upset. Is this any way for a professor to behave? Very well. Let's be serious. How was Christmas? - Excellent. My daughter was in seventh heaven with all her presents. - What did you do? - I went to midnight mass. - I knew it. You'll end up a priest. - He dragged me there. - Not really. - No, I went willingly. Are you a Catholic? I mean, a practicing Catholic? - He doesn't look it, does he? - Yes, he does. - I can picture you as a boy scout. - I was never that. Yet I was a choir boy. You'll end up a priest, I tell you. I must say, you both stink of holy water. What about a drink? Nothing? Really? What about you? - A little scotch. I was never baptized. She comes from a great family of free-thinkers. But you know, Maud, your sort of irreligion is another form of religion. I know that, but I have the right to prefer it. Had my family been Catholic, I might have lapsed, like you, whereas I'm faithful. - It's easy to be faithful to nothing. It's not nothing. It's another way of looking at problems. It has its principles, sometimes very strict ones, but it's free of preconceived notions - - We know the patter. Don't be rude. Girls like you make me turn papist. I don't like people without problems. Because you're abnormal. You should get psychoanalyzed. Besides, I do have problems. Very serious ones. I understand being an atheist. I'm one myself. But Christianity's inherent contradictions are fascinating. Dialectic does nothing for me. You've read Pascal, at least. "Man is a thinking reed." "The two infinities." - "Cleopatra's nose." - He's certainly not my favorite. - Then I'm the odd man out here. - Why? Haven't you read Pascal? I've read him. He hates Pascal, because Pascal lashes out at phony Christians like him. Is that true? - He's the quintessential Jesuit. - Let him defend himself. I don't like Pascal because he has a very particular conception of Christianity, condemned by the church, by the way. His Pensées wasn't condemned. But Jansenism was. And he hasn't been canonized. Good point. Let someone else get a word in! You're such a pain! You were saying? Nothing. No, I think there's another way to look at Christianity. As a scientist, I respect Pascal, but his condemnation of science shocks me. - He didn't condemn it. - At the end of his life he did. That wasn't exactly a condemnation. I mean, he didn't say - I'm not expressing myself well. For instance, our talking distracts us from what we're eating. We neglect this excellent Chanturgue wine. My first taste of it. Drunk only by the best Clermont families. If you say so. - Old Catholic and Freemason families. - That's enough now. Pascal probably drank Chanturgue, since he was born here. I wouldn't criticize him if he'd abstained. I'm in favor of abstinence. You could say I'm against giving up Lent. It's just that Pascal paid no attention to what he drank. Even when he was ill and had to follow a diet of finest-quality food, he never remembered what he'd eaten. His sister Gilberte wrote how he never said, "This is good." Well, I say, "This is good!" As a Christian, I say not to acknowledge what's good is evil. - Your argument's a bit thin. - Not at all. It's very important. Another thing about Pascal that deeply shocks me: He said marriage was the lowest state in Christianity. I find it pretty low too, but not for the same reasons. But pascal's right. You probably want to get married. I do too. But as a sacrament, marriage ranks below priesthood. I was thinking precisely of that at mass the other day. There was a girl in front of me - I should goto mass to find girls. They can't be any worse than at your party meetings. Your words reveal your true nature as a petit bourgeois. That's right. What about the pretty girl? I didn't say she was pretty. Well, she was quite pretty. Actually, it was a young woman, with her husband - - Or lover. - Stop it. - They wore wedding rings. - You took a good look. Well, you see, it's hard to find the proper words. I'll stop now. You're laughing at me. - Not at all. I think it's great to be obsessed with marriage. It's entirely a function of your age - our age. That Christian couple was sublime. What you mean is: Religion enhances a woman. Yes, and I see nothing wrong in that. Religion enhances love, but love enhances religion as well. What are you doing out of bed? All right, come over here. This is Marie. - What do you want? - Can I see the lights on the tree? Now? Give me a kiss. See? Are they pretty? Is that enough? Happy now? Good. Now, back to bed. Come on, sweetie. Good night, everyone. There must be some Pascal around here. Even in a Freemason's home. What did I tell you? Isn't there a specific reference to mathematics in the part about the wager? "If there are not infinite chances of losing compared to winning, do not hesitate. Stake it all. You're obliged to play, so renounce reason if you value your life." Exactly. That's mathematical hope. It's always infinite with Pascal. "Unless the probability of salvation is nil, since infinity times zero equals zero." So the argument is meaningless for a confirmed nonbeliever. But with the slightest grain of belief, it becomes infinite again. Then you must back the odds. Yes, if I believe there's any probability and that the gain is infinite. And do you believe that? Yet you stake nothing. You give up nothing. - Sure, I give up some things. - Not the Chanturgue wine. It plays no part in this. Why should I give it up? What I don't like about pascal's wager is the calculated exchange, like buying a lottery ticket. Let's call it choosing. You have to choose between the finite and the infinite. When I choose the Chanturgue, I'm not rejecting God. That's not the choice. What about girls? Girls, maybe. But not women in general. Not the way I see it. You still chasing after girls? You used to. When I met him, he was quite the ladies' man. You met me when I was ten. I meant when we parted ways, after graduation. - You don't know what you're saying. - Don't I? What about Marie-Helene? What a memory! I have no idea what became of her. She became a nun. - Who's this Marie-Helene? - A friend of mine. - His mistress, to be precise. - Really? I won't deny I've had "mistresses," to use his term. So there've been several? I'm not here to tell my life story. He's not my confessor. I'm 34, and I've known quite a few girls. I don't claim to be a model for anyone. Besides, that proves nothing. - I'm not trying to prove anything. Yes, you are. I shock you, I know. I've had affairs with girls I loved and thought of marrying, but I've never just slept with a girl. It's not a moral stance. I just don't see the point of it. Yes, but let's suppose that on your travels you met a lovely girl whom you knew you'd never see again. There are circumstances in which it's difficult to resist. I won't say God, but fate has kept me from such circumstances. I've never been lucky with amorous flings. Remarkably unlucky. I'm generally unlucky, but I've had my share of one-night stands. Once in Italy with a Swedish girl, once in Poland with an English girl. Those two nights are perhaps the most beautiful memories of my life. I'm all for affairs on journeys or at conferences. At least they're free of bourgeois clinging. In principle I'm against them. But since no such thing has ever happened to me - But it could. Be serious now. If it did happen, I take it you'd play along. I was talking about the past. You're really pushing me to drag up the past. I chased some girls, but the past is the past. But if tomorrow, or tonight, a woman as lovely as Maud, an amorous woman, suggested or made it clear - - You're not funny. - Let me finish. He's completely drunk. Must be the Chanturgue, don't you think? Let's hear your answer anyway. In the past, yes. Now, no. Why? I told you: I'm a convert. Conversion really does exist. Read Pascal. I may be tactless, but I trust my intuition. This conversion of his strikes me as highly dubious. I sensed something odd about him. Sometimes he seems miles away. As if he were thinking of someone. Not something. Someone. I wouldn't be surprised if he were in love. That's news to me. - blond or brunette? - I believe he prefers blondes. Tell us. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not in love. Tell us. In return I'll tell you my life story. - That could take a while. - Over several sessions. There is no one. I love no one. Period. Is she in Clermont? Which implies she exists somewhere. I said no because she doesn't exist at all. Even if she did, I have every right not to tell you. We're not being very nice. No, I'm enjoying this more than you imagine. Stop drinking. I don't want to drive you home. You wouldn't have to anyway. He'd do it. My friends, here's what I propose: As I've been quite exhausted, the doctor has ordered plenty of rest in bed. - The doctor being you? - Who else? But I'm not throwing you out. Please stay. That's an order. I'm not sleepy, and I enjoy company around my bed. - What about in it? - Not you, that's for sure. It'll be like a salon from the olden days. That's why I sleep in here. I hate bedrooms. I'm going. I'm tired. - You can't do this to me. - She wants to sleep. Are you kidding? It's all part of her little game. I think she's up to something. - Such as? - You'll find out. Stay. You're drunk. I don't want to be rude. I'm going to go. I admit they dressed more elegantly for salons. You just wanted to show off your legs. Precisely. My only means of seduction. Only? Come now. Let's say your principal means. I'm a terrible exhibitionist. It just comes over me. Look all you like. It's all real. - Careful you don't break your neck. Is that a sailor's shirt? - Yes, the real thing. Practical and warm. But I take it off before I goto sleep. I always sleep naked. I don't see how people can wear things that get so twisted around. You need to sleep more soundly. Take a sedative. They're very bad for you. I only prescribe them as a last resort. Move down so I can stretch my legs. I love feeling your toes through the bedspread. It should make you feel better too. Sit down. - Now, what were we talking about? - Girls. His girls. - That's right. He was going to tell us his adventures. - No, you were. You really shock me. Me? He's the one who told all these stories. - Say it's all lies. - No, it's not- I thought a true Christian remained chaste until marriage. I don't pretend to be a good example. Anyway, between theory and practice - I know boys who've never slept with a girl. - Bald men or hunchbacks. - Not necessarily. I don't set myself up as an example, and it was in the past- Don't get angry. The fact is, I like you a lot. No, really. I like your frankness. Such as it is. - Do I really shock you? - Very much. It bothers me to hear you say that. My Christianity and my love affairs are different, even conflicting matters. Yet they coexist in the same person. It's a rather stormy coexistence. This may come as another shock, but pursuing girls does not estrange one from God any more than pursuing mathematics, for example. Oh, but it does! Coming back to Pascal, not only did he condemn good food, but at the end of his life, he even condemned mathematics. I'm actually more - No. You're more Pascalian than me. Maybe. Mathematics turns you away from God. It's a useless, intellectual diversion - worse than other diversions. Why worse? Because it's completely abstract, and thus inhuman. Whereas women... I'd like to write about Pascal and women. He was very interested in women, but in fact we don't know if his Discourse on Love is apocryphal... Could you open the window? It's smoky in here. or whether he even "knew" women. "Knew" in the Biblical sense, though I find that a stupid expression. "To know someone in the Biblical sense." It's snowing. It looks phony. I don't much care for snow. It's phony kids' stuff. I detest things that remind one of childhood. Because you have a deeply twisted mind. Back to bed now. You'll catch cold Go to bed yourself, you brute. It's late. I'll be going. - Where do you live? - Ceyrat, but I have my car. - You'll get killed. - I'm not afraid of a bit of snow. It's most dangerous when it's falling. A friend of mine was killed that way. I've been traumatized ever since. You can sleep in the next room. Please, or I'll never get to sleep from worrying. I think I left my window open at home. The snow must be pouring in. I should go. - I'll go with you. - No, you stay. - I'll give you a call. - Did you forget about tomorrow? - That's right. What time? - Noon. - What about your daughter? - She'll be with her father. Will you come with us? - Where? A trip with friends to the mountains. Lunch at an inn. It'll be even nicer in the snow. I really am used to driving in snow. There's absolutely no danger. This type of snow is very treacherous. - I'll go so you can get some sleep. - Stay for a moment. Please. You really want me to? All right, go home. Good-bye! I'm just confused. I'd been warned that- Don't be angry, but I was told that people here are overly polite. There's some truth to that, but at the moment that describes you. I mean what I say. If I want you to go, I'll say so. You did say so... but I'll stay for a moment. - You really do shock me. - So you've said. No one's ever disturbed me as much as you have. Religion has always left me cold. I'm neither for nor against it. But people like you prevent me from ever taking it seriously. All you're really worried about is your respectability. Staying in a woman's room after midnight - that's just terrible. The fact your staying might comfort me when I'm feeling a bit lonely, the fact we might go beyond convention and make real contact, even if we were never to meet again - none of this would ever occur to you. I find that stupid, and not very Christian. It's got nothing to do with religion. I just thought you might be tired. Do you still think so? No. You see I'm still here. What bothers me about you is that you dodge the issue. You refuse to assume responsibility. You're both a shamefaced Christian and a shamefaced Don Juan. That's a bit much. - That's not true. I was in love. That's very different. I've loved two or three women in my life. Okay, maybe four. I lived with each of them for several years. Maybe I wasn't madly in love. Actually, maybe I was. And they loved me back, though I don't mean to boast. No false modesty. I mean, I don't think love can be real unless it's mutual. That's why I believe in a certain predestination. My affairs were fine, and it's fine that they fizzled out. - Did you end them? - No. And neither did they. It was circumstances. You should have overcome them. These couldn't be overcome. I know, you can always overcome things, but it would have been pointless, quite senseless. No, it was impossible. Sometimes it's better that things be impossible. You understand? Very well. It strikes me as quite human, but not very Christian. But as I said before, Christian or not is not what matters. Let's set religion aside for now. Women have taught me a lot, morally speaking. I know "women" sounds - - A little vulgar. It would be idiotic to generalize from individual cases, but each girl I met posed a new moral challenge that I'd been unaware of or never had to face concretely before. I was forced to assume certain attitudes that were good for me, that shook me out of my moral lethargy. You could have concentrated on the moral and ignored the physical. But the moral aspect would never even have arisen if- Oh, sure, you can always do anything. But the physical and the moral are inseparable. Let's face it. Perhaps it was a snare set by the devil. Then I fell in it. Yes, in a way I fell right in it. Otherwise I'd be a saint. - Don't you want to be a saint? - Not at all. Can I believe my ears? I thought every Christian was to aspire to sainthood. What I mean is, I can't be a saint. What a defeatist attitude. What about grace? I ask that grace might let me glimpse the possibility. Rightly or wrongly, since not everyone can be a saint, I'm apparently among those who cannot. Given my nature, my hopes, my potential, even my mediocrity and my halfheartedness - which I know God spurns - I can achieve, if not bliss, at least a certain justness in the scriptural sense of the term. I'm a man of the times, and religion acknowledges the times. I'm by no means a Jansenist. - I never said you were. - You or Vidal did. - He talks rubbish. - To get a rise out of me. He was really loaded tonight. I've never seen him like that before. Would you pass me my cigarettes? Do you know each other well? We hadn't seen each other in 14 years, but we were very close at one time, even after high school. - You weren't very nice tonight. - Not very nice? Oh, I can be mean too. Very mean. The poor man will lie awake brooding about the two of us together. - He insisted on leaving. - Pure bravado. You can be a bit dim sometimes, can't you? Didn't he tell you he was in love with me? He said he admired you and felt great friendship for you. He's very discreet. He's actually a very nice guy. But he lacks humor - in how he lives his life, I mean. I know I make him suffer, but I can't help it. He's not my type at all. I was stupid enough to sleep with him once casually. I'm very hard to please when it comes to men. It's not just the physical aspect, and he's smart enough to know that. I know why he brought you here tonight. To test me? No, I doubt that. No, it's more that he wanted some reason to hate and despise me. He likes to look on the black side. Anyway, where were we? You're really not sleepy? Not at all. And you? You're really sure? I'd tell you if I was. It's been ages since I talked like this to anyone. It feels good. Still, it strikes me that you've got a very tortuous mind. Tortuous? I thought a Christian was judged by his deeds. You don't seem to attach much importance to them. Oh, but I do. Enormous importance. Although what counts for me is not one deed, but an entire life. Every life is made of whole cloth. By that I mean I've never had to ask myself, "Should I sleep with this girl or not?" I simply chose ahead of time a certain way to live. Could you please get me a glass of water? Although it's disappearing now, one thing I dislike about the church is this bookkeeping aspect, good deeds versus sins. Purity of heart is the important thing. If you're really in love with one girl, you don't want to sleep with another. There's no problem. Why do you laugh? - No reason. I am speaking with you now because if I wait until later... you will be too drunk to hear my voice. [Guests Laughing] - Here is where civilization began. - [People Murmuring] Yes. Here in Africa. Here is where the Greeks stole their philosophy... and the Arabs took their medicine. We Ugandans must be more proud of this history. We are an independent African nation... living in peace and economic power. [Guests Murmuring] - Black power. - Yes. Just like all you people thought would never be possible. [Applauding, Cheering] And now we will go through to dinner. The food tonight, it is all local... special food. And none of it is human flesh. [Laughing] This is my last. [Guests Applauding, Whistling] [Knocking] Dr. Garrigan. Please come quickly. The president is very sick. [Groaning] They have poisoned me. They are trying to assassinate me. - [Gasps] Nicholas. - Okay. I just have to examine your stomach. [Groans] Obote's people are everywhere. They want me dead, Nicholas. Okay, I'm just- I need to do this. Okay? - [Groans] - One more. One more. - [Gasps] - Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think I know what this is. Let me listen, just listen. Okay. Yeah, okay. I think I know what this is. Bear with me. Uh- [Clears Throat] There we go. [Groans] There we are. Okay. I'm gonna ask you to sit on this pouf right here. [Gasping] - Hey! What is this? - It's okay. It's okay. - What is this? - It's okay. I'm just gonna hold it against your stomach. I'm gonna ask you to stand up... in three. - One, two, three. Go. - [Gasping] [Loud Flatulence] [Flatulence Continues] [Laughing] I feel better, much better. [Laughing] Ah. Ah, yes. You are a good doctor. Thank you. In future, remember not to mix beer with aspirin. - That was the cause? - I think so, yes. I am ashamed that you saw me like that. - I was frightened. - I'm a doctor. Everything that passes between us is confidential. Okay? I've taken an oath. But a man who shows fear, he is weak... and he is a slave. Well, if you're afraid of dying... it shows you have a life worth keeping. Ah. [Chuckling] You see? You are a doctor... and also a philosopher. [Chuckles] Yes. I do have a good life now. Please. Please, sit. Sit here. Sit here. I come from... a very poor family. I think you should know this. My father, he left me when I was a child. The British army, it became my home. They took me as a... cleaner in the kitchen, cleaning pots. They used to beat me. "Build this wall, Amin." "Dig this latrine, Amin." And now here I am, the president of Uganda. And who put me here? Huh? - It was the British. - [Both Laughing] What a story. - Good night, Nicholas. - Good night, sir. [On Phone] Uh, hello. Sarah, it's Nicholas. - Nicholas, where are you? - I'm still in Kampala actually. Thank you. Look, the president's offered me a job here. Normally, I wouldn't even bother considering it. - But, under the circumstances... - Thank you. I thought it might be quite a good idea. [Children Shouting, Muffled] Oh, I see. David will be disappointed. Oh, well, I'll write to David. Of course I will. Of course. I just hope you can do as much good there as you could've done here. Look, somebody's callin' me. I'd, uh, better go. - Sure. - All right. Well, listen. Bye, Sarah. - I'll be in touch. - Bye. [Baby Crying, Muffled] [No Audible Dialogue] [Wasswa] When you're not treating the president or his family... the hospital could use your expertise here. [Bell Dings] This is one of our new medical wards. Farther down the corridor will be the operating theaters... which the president has paid for himself. - [Man] Yes, sir. - Hi, Doctor. - Welcome to Mulago, Dr.- - Garrigan. Hello. I do hope you find the hospital up to the standard you are used to. Uh, excuse me. Who was that? Your predecessor- Dr. Junju. - Never mind him. - Excuse me, sir. Two men to see you. - Excuse me a moment. - Of course. [Chattering] - Hello. Jolly nice of you. - It's very nice. [Children Shouting In Distance] [Stone] Dr. Garrigan. Just topping up on quinine. So, you've decided to stay. - Uh, yes. Yes, I did. - Excellent. Excellent. Well, listen, I just wanted to say... that if there's anything we can possibly help you with... please don't, um, hesitate. [Scoffs] What, you're my new best friend now? [Chuckles] Do just stay in touch. Why? Well, given that we were so, uh... intimately involved with the president coming to... power... the Foreign Office has asked me to point out our awareness... of your very unique personal relationship with President Amin. Mm-hmm? [Clears Throat] Should you find the need to clarify your status... regarding the details of that relationship... we would of course welcome any clarification you might... [Inhales] feel the need to share with us. [Silent Laugh] Is there some special school where you people... learn to talk that bollocks? - Do, please, stay in touch. - [Laughing] You-You take care now. [People Chattering, Laughing] [Amin] This man is going to kill- He's going to kill the president. So Nicholas walks up to that cow, and he shoots it in the head. [Laughing] On your marks! Get set! - Go! - [Cheering] Amin! Amin! - Ho! - I won. - [Crowd Chattering] - Hit my hand. Yes. - Okay. Nicholas. - Oh, no, no, no. [Laughing, Chattering] Before I forget, I need to ask a favor. Anything. I will be in Libya next week... and I need you to attend a meeting in my place. - What kind of meeting? - A simple matter of taste and common sense. I cannot think of anyone better than you. [Clears Throat] Ah, gentlemen, please. Don't get up. The president sends his apologies. He's been called away- [Clears Throat] on short notice. He's asked me to step in. - And you are? - Nicholas Garrigan, his doctor. - His doctor? - Yes. - And you are? - I'm the Austrian foreign minister. This is Dr. Ramml, one of our leading architects... and Dr. Brunner from the Institute of Civil Engineering. Together, we are the first bid. Bid, right. For what precisely? [Vehicles Passing] [Airplane Passes Overhead] I love it. Good choice. Modern, elegant- a symbol of Uganda's future. - Here is where we will have the next Pan-African Congress. - [Wasswa] Nice. My two closest advisors- Tweedledum and Tweedledee. [Laughing] - Look what Nicholas has designed for me. - Nice. - I didn't design anything. It was more- - That's nonsense. You have a wonderful eye. Jonah- he has... no taste. Look at him. [Laughs] Even his suits, they look silly. Is that not right, Jonah? [Laughing] [Speaking African Language] What is it you want, Jonah? I have some ministerial papers for your signature. Go. I will sign them later. I do not like the way that man looks at me. Do you think he looks at me strangely? No. No, I can't say that I've noticed. Okay. Enlargement of the medial sternum... and reticular nodular lung patterns- all indicating pulmonary T.B. - Yeah, but it could be disseminated- - [Explosion] - What was that? - [Gunfire In Distance] Makindye Prison- where Obote's people are being held. - [Gunfire Continues] - Can you hear that? [Man] Dr. Garrigan! Dr. Garrigan! Please! Come quickly. The president's son is sick. [Nicholas] What's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? [Gunfire Continues] [Engine Racing, Tires Skid] Can you hear me, child? I'm begging you to stop it. Mackenzie! - Thank you. You can step away. - Stop it, Mackenzie. Please. - Thank you. Your son's epileptic? - I don't know. - What? Has he been like this before? - Yes. Right. Can you hold his knees up against his chest? - Yeah, yeah. - If you can do that. Okay. The other hand back here. - This is Campbell? - It's Mackenzie, Campbell's brother. - Mackenzie? Right. - Come on, Mackenzie. Come on, baby. Mackenzie, I am Dr. Garrigan. Okay? We're gonna sort you out. - We'll get you to hospital. It's gonna be fine. - No, no, no. - The president will not allow it. - I really think the child- - You must do what you can do from here. - The child has to go to hospital. - Please! Please. - [Mackenzie Gasping] It's okay now, baby. Mama's here. Mama is here. It's okay. Mama's here. - Okay. Okay. - [Breathing Calms] There you are. Okay. Okay. - There we are. - Thank you. Thank you, Doctor. - I thought I was losing him. - It's okay. He's gonna be fine. [Objects Clattering] Could you, uh - Could you move the toys from that bed, please? Could you move the toys from that bed, please? Ah. [Mock Groan] Big boy. Big boy. Here we go. It's okay, baby. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Don't say sorry. Don't say sorry. [Murmurs] - This is where you live? - Yes. Why not at State House with the other wives? Since I had Mackenzie, my husband prefers us to be somewhere more private. That's ridiculous. I think this child has epilepsy. It's a perfectly treatable condition. - The president does visit you here? - He visits the children, not me. I am a bad omen. [Sniffles] Okay. Okay, I'm gonna make an appointment for Mackenzie at the hospital. All right? I will tell the president how helpful you have been. - [ Drumming] - [ SingingTraditionalScottishSong] [ Continues] [ Continues] [ Ends] [Applauding, Cheering] - [Man] Very nice. - [Doorbell Buzzes] [Doorbell Buzzes] [Amin] Good morning, Nicholas. I could not go without thanking you for helping my son- Don't mention it. and to bring you a small gift. No doctor should be without his ambulance. - [Laughing] - For me? Yes. Come. Come. This is yours here. - Oh. - [Laughs] Uh-huh? What do you think? Are you serious? It-It's a fantastic gift. Are you happy now? Eh? Let's try it. You can drive me to the airport. I have to fly to Libya on business. - Don't you think that I should get dressed? - Quickly then. Quickly. - Now? Right. - Yes. I'll just be a minute. - Are you comfortable here? - Yeah, very much. Thank you. Ah. So, uh, it- it was Obote's men who attacked the prison, yeah? - Yes. - Right. We heard the gunfire all the way at the hospital. - Yes, and my soldiers, they held them off. - Oh, right. We thought we were going to be inundated with casualties. Do you want to drive your car? I want to see you drive your car. - Okay. - Please. Come. - Come. - Okay. Okay. [Laughing] So, you do not like the way I treat my son. Uh, no. No, I don't. Hiding him away like that, it's-it's ruining his life. That boy has everything he wants. Except the treatment that could save him. He has comfort and luxury in life. - Money? Sir, it's no substitute for anything. - Nicholas. You have never been poor. What about Kay? Don't you think it's, uh- Do not speak about things you do not understand. But the way you are concerned... it has touched me, and I will consider. You know, I like this type of frank conversation. Yes. I respect your honesty... and your opinion completely. - Nicholas! - [Man] Stop! - [Men Shouting] - [Gunfire] - Shit! Shit! - Drive! Drive. [Gunfire Continues] Drive past! Drive! - [Man Shouts] - [Whimpers] - Drive! - [Shouting] [Tires Screeching] [Shouting In African Language] - [Gunshots] - [Shouting Continues] Obote's men! I'm sure of it! If I had not been in your car- But... it is in my dream. - They cannot kill me. It is in my dream. - [Chatter On Military Radio] [Murmuring] Somebody told his men my travel plans. Somebody is betraying me. I cannot trust... anybody. I'm surrounded... by traitors! Masanga. [African Language] Nicholas. Nicholas. You know Masanga? He is one of my people. He will handle all of my security matters from now on. Yes, sir. - You will take care of me and this country. - Yes, sir. Where is Jonah Wasswa? Where is he? I need my minister. A minister should be by his president's side. - Where is he? - I don't know. And you call yourself my closest advisor? - Huh? - [Vehicle Doors Slam] [Man, Amin Speaking African Language] [Laughs] You see? You see? These loyal soldiers... already they have captured the criminals. [People Groaning, Whimpering] - [Groaning, Whimpering Continue] - [Man Shouting] - [Groaning] - [Speaking African Language] Do not pity them, Nicholas. These men here, they wanted you dead. Why did you try to kill me? Huh? I will not die... until I say! Look at me! [Shouting In African Language] [Groans] [African Language] Obote! Huh? You work for him! Obote! Huh? That-That... drunk, silly man! You want to kill me for that drunk, silly man? Huh? Uganda loves me... because I am loyal... and I am fair. [Groans] I am your president. [Groans] Come, Nicholas. This is no place for us. [Weapons Clack] - [Water Running] - [Exhales] [Chattering] [ Singing] - [ Continues] - [Chattering] [ Continues] [ Continues] [Chattering] [ Ends] [Insects Chirping] [Nicholas] These I can read you later. And the rest-The rest are just pro forma papers for you to sign. Um, I left a small list of medical equipment at the end... for my old surgery in Mgambo. Is there anything else, Nicholas? Eh? Nicholas? It's probably nothing, sir. What? Nicholas, you are my closest advisor. - [Exhales] - Please. Tell me what is on your mind. Last night, I went to the Holiday Inn and had a drink. I saw Jonah Wasswa there speaking to some white guy in the bar. Something about it just didn't seem right. It's - It's probably nothing... but, uh, you might wanna have a talk with him. Just - Just a talk. Like I say, it's probably nothing'. Good night, sir. [Children Shouting, Laughing] - Ah. How are you? - Very well. How are you? Very well. See you next week. - [ ManSingingRock] - Would you care for a drink? [Laughing] That's very good, Mackenzie. - [ Continues] - [Laughing] Very good. Go show your brother. - [ Continues] - [Water Splashes] Hiya. Hiya. [Laughs] Uh, he's looking much better. Much better. That other one is Campbell. He is the one who got your T-shirt. You're a man of taste. [Child] Mummy! Mummy! - [Child Chattering] - Please, good-bye. - Mummy! He keeps pushing me! Mummy! - Okay, stop it. Stop it, Mackenzie. - Dr. Garrigan. Daydreaming? - [ FadesOut] Well, looking at you, Stone, I certainly hope so. [Chuckling] I wasn't expecting to find you here. I thought you'd be with the president on his trip to London. No, I'm needed here. - I do hope the man hasn't blown up again. - Uh, what? I was reading this article in the Times. I don't know if you've seen it. It seems a high court judge who recently ruled against Amin has gone missing. - Hasn't been seen for five days. - I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation. Well, the thing is, we've been getting reports... up and down the country of the same thing. People speaking out against the regime... just, uh, disappearing. No. Look, if you're gonna accuse the president of something, you just come out and say it. - All right? - I was just hoping you might be able... to give us a little clarification. Oh, fuck your clarifications, Stone! Fuck them. You people amaze me. You know, the first sign of an independent African leader actually achieving something... and what do you do? You spit your dummy because you can't stand the idea that he's done it without you. I know he's maybe a little bit rough, but what do you expect? Do you think Obote's people are sittin' around waitin' for clarifications? Look at me. This is Africa. You meet violence with violence. Anything else, and you're dead. Well, then perhaps you'd be so kind... as to explain to me the whereabouts of Health Minister Wasswa. What? Well, he's, uh- he's missing too. But, as you say, I'm sure there's some, uh... perfectly normal explanation. [Clears Throat] I'm, uh, having drinks later... with the man who wrote the article. Perhaps you'd like to join us... and shed some light on the matter. - Fine. I will. - All right. Six o'clockish. - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm here to see the health minister. - I'm afraid she's busy. - [Masanga Speaking African Language] You were right. The health minister has gone missing. Apparently, he's fled to Tanzania. What? Jonah Wasswa? [Nicholas] Mmm. [Clears Throat] It appears he's embezzled several hundred thousand pounds' worth of Ministry funds. And some people are suggesting that he's joined up with Obote's exiles. - I find that very hard to believe. - The man was on the verge... of sealing a major pharmaceutical deal. [Grunts] Life-saving penicillin for the masses. I should know. I set up the meeting with his South African counterpart... at, um, the Holiday Inn. So, this embezzlement- is it on the record? - Yes. Yes, it is. - And I can quote you in the paper? - I'm sorry? Quote me? - Not directly, of course. As a government spokesman. Government spokesman? Aye. [Thunderclap] [Voices Whispering, Indistinct] Mr. President. I've come to say good-bye. I'm going home. Mr. President? Boo! [Laughing] I got you. I got him. [Laughing] Nicholas, meet my body double, Wzenga. Look at him. Everything the same. Except- What do you say, Nicholas? Is he as handsome as me? - No. No, he's not. - Aha! You see? You see? Nicholas agrees. You are much more ugly than me, Wzenga. [All Laughing] Look, look, look, Nicholas. I have others also. All part of Captain Masanga's plan for my security. [Chuckling] Clever, huh? Yeah. [African Language] Nicholas. My Nicholas. What is all this about your going home? Hmm? We- You once told me that you respected me... 'cause I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. Mmm. Speak. It's this business with Wasswa. I can't- It fucking stinks. And I can't help coming back to that moment... when I asked you to talk to him. Look, this isn't me. I have to go home now. You cannot. What? Your work is not finished here yet. But I didn't come here to finish anything. You promised to me... that you would help to build a new Uganda. You swore an oath. The oath is, um- It's - It's a doctor's oath of confidentiality. We all take it. - It's got nothing to do with Uganda. - Huh? Nothing? Nothing comes from nothing. You have a conscience. I know you do. That is why you came here in the first place. Or are you like all the other British? Just here to fuck and to take away. No. - No. - No. Why else would I trust you with my family? You are like my own son. I'm Nicholas Garrigan... and I'm from Scotland. That's my home. I want to go- Your home is here. Please. Just, please- Do not be a silly boy. If you go now, what will they think about you and, uh, Jonah Wasswa? What are you talkin' about? I said - I said talk to him. Do not pretend to yourself that you did not know. You are a stronger man than that. I didn't want him to die though. But you-you did it. - Why? You want to know why? - Mm-hmm. You did it because... you love me. You have stepped deep into the heart of my country. Uganda. Uganda embraces you. - [Backslap] - Nicholas. Nicholas. What you need is to have some fun. [ Band: AfricanPop] [ GroupSinging In African Language] [ SingingContinues] Hey, Nicholas. Where have you been? - I want you to meet Betty. - Betty. And this here is her sister Joy. - Joy. - Hello. - Hello. - Joy is going to look after you this weekend. - [Giggles] - Joy- [African Language] - All right. - All right. - And now, let the games begin. - [Murmurs] - [Blusters] - Yes. Nicholas. You did not know we had Ugandan cowboys, eh? - [All Laughing] - Finance Minister. - [All Laughing] - [Camera Shutter Clicking] [Amin] Come here. [Laughing Continues] All right. [ Drums] [Woman Laughing] [ Band: Afrobeat] [Women Squealing] Can I have another whiskey, please? [Chuckling] Well, let me tell you, Nicholas, you've chosen a fine life. [ BandContinues] [Amin's Voice] You want to kill me for that drunk, silly man? [ WomanSinging] [Amin's Voice] Nicholas. Nicholas. [Kay] Dr. Garrigan. [ BandContinues] Jesus fucking Christ, you look so lovely. [Laughs] You know something? I shouldn't be here. I should be in Scotland with my dad. I should be looking after little old ladies, 'cause- 'cause here I've fucked up. Kay, I fucked up. I fucked up. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Not here. - Walk with me. - What? Walk with me. [ ManSingingRock] - [Chattering] - [ Continues] - I'm fucking doomed. - Watch your head. You know he's got go-go dancers after me now? Where are we going? I don't know. [Joy] Nicky? Oh, shit! It's the go-go dancer. - Oh, uh- uh- - Nicky? In here. In here. Come on. Just follow me. Up here. [ Continues] - Shh! Shh! - [Laughing] You be quiet. Shh! [Chuckling] Oh, fuck it. [ Continues] [Moaning] [Gasping] [ Continues] [ FadesOut] He has always been like this. He just chose not to show you until now. Nicholas. You have to find a way to get out. He still listens to me. He cannot trust anybody anymore. I'll wait till things get really bad. They are... really bad. - [Chuckles] - Huh? - [Chuckling] - What? - Nothing. - What? [Chuckling] I just had this mad image of me and you sittin'... at my mother and father's dinner table. - Oh. [Chuckles] - [Chuckles] "More stew, Mrs. Amin?" [Chuckles] Nicholas. You've got to get out. - [Banging On Door] - [Man] To the lake! Everybody to the lake! President's order! Everybody to the lake! To the lake! - What is going on? - President's order! - I don't know. - What if somebody saw us? [Banging On Door] Okay. You just wait two minutes and then come out after me, all right? Yeah. Go, go, go, go. [ SingingIn African Language] [ Continues] [ AccordionFadesOut] [Picture Drops] [Voices Whispering, Indistinct] [Exhales] Shit. Dr. Garrigan. It's 4:00 in the morning. Can I have a word with you? - Whiskey? - Okay. They've, uh- They've taken my passport. [Clears Throat] You were saying that if there was ever anything you could do- I need to get out of here while I still can. I was hoping you might be able to help in that. - Please. - "Please." It's a nice touch. Mmm. Have you any idea what's going on in this country, Dr. Garrigan? Some. In the countryside, they're not even bothering to dig graves anymore. They're simply feeding them to the crocodiles. Right here in Kampala, right under our noses... he's wiped out the entire political opposition. - [Gunshots] - Thousands of Acholi... and Langi tribesmen from the army. He's hardly even bothering to cover it up anymore. - [Crying] - [Shouting In African Language] [Stone] Even members of his own cabinet. Your friend the health minister. [Gunshot] This man is actually trying to help his country. [Chuckles] Idi always seems to get it wrong, doesn't he? Jesus fucking Christ. Get me out of here. You earn your passage first. Wha-What? You know what they're calling you? His white monkey. I'm his doctor. It's not my job to judge the man. "I'm his doctor." Is that your defense? How pathetic. Fuck off, Garrigan. We don't just hand out passports to chimps like you. Particularly not chimps with blood on their hands. Look, you, I'm a citizen, and I have rights. Fuck your rights. You do as I say, or you don't get out of here. You're his doctor. You have unprecedented access to him. Obviously, we'd help you with... anything you needed. You want me to kill him? [Bell Tolling] [Male Reporter] Amidst persistent rumors... of human rights violations and economic mismanagement... the situation in Uganda has deteriorated badly in recent months. [Female Reporter Speaking French] [Male Reporter #2] The opening of 10 new hospitals has had to be deferred... - and all the rest of them- - [Male Reporter #3 Speaking German] [Reporters Continue, Overlapping] [Male Reporter #2] But getting any definite information on the country... - has become harder and harder. - [Female Reporter #2] President Amin has accused... the British government of attempting to assassinate him and undermining him- [Male Reporter #2] And so his policies are growing ever more unpredictable. The British government has broken its promises to Uganda. Because of this, I have decided to expel... all Asians from this country. And these people, they are leeches. They milk the cow... but they do not want to feed the cow. No longer. They have 90 days to leave. - [All Shouting] - [Glass Breaks] [Junju] They are too sick to leave. [Shouting Continues] Take your hands off him! - This is a sick man. How dare you! - [African Language] I don't care where you get your orders from! You cannot come into a hospital and start shoving people! They are forcing us to leave! [Both Arguing In African Language] - [Woman Screaming] - [African Language] Whoa! [Shouts] [Crowd Quiets] This is a hospital! You get your men out of here now! [African Language] I'm complaining personally to the president. [Nicholas] You all right? I'll see to this. You're trying to help your people. I understand that. But Uganda isn't ready, sir. You expel the Asians now, this economy will be on its knees. Not to mention the damage you'll do to your reputation abroad. Is that what you came here for? To plead... for your fucking Asian tailor? These things do not concern you. You are nothing but a doctor. You are a nobody. Get out. Get out! [All Shouting] [Shouting Continues] [Bus Engine Starts] Sarah! Sarah! [Ringing] - Hello? - [Kay, Crying] Oh, I can't believe- What have we done? Who? Kay, is that you? He is going to kill us, Nicholas. He's going to kill us. [Kay, Crying] I have to get it out of me. He will kill me, Nicholas. I have to get it out. - What are we going to do? - I don't know. [Sniffles] I want you to do it. Please. You're a doctor. I know you can do it. - I know you can do it, Nicholas. - No, we can't! I can't do that! This isn't some simple procedure. - It has to be done under clinical conditions. - [Gasping] I have to - If you don't do something now, I'm going to have to find a place to go. I'm - I'm going to have to get it done in one of the villages. Is that what you want? No. No, you don't. Come here. Whatever you do, you don't do that. All right? I'm gonna sort something out. Just... promise me you'll stay in the house. Please promise me you'll stay in the house. P-Promise me this- Promise me this is going to be all right. I promise. We'll do it first thing in the morning. - Kay Amin? - Mm-hmm. - The president's wife? - Yes. [African Language] No. No, no, no. - We couldn't do that here. Not at Mulago. - Why not? It's the president's hospital! He's bound to find out. - We could do this discretely, Tommy. - No! He would kill her and us. It's too much to risk. What other choice does she have? Some-Some backstreet job in a village somewhere? Come on, Thomas. You know what that means. It's the only choice you've left her. But I don't expect it crossed your mind to wonder, huh? A white man with a black woman. What does she need with such things? Fine. I'll do it myself. The president wants to see you now. [Muttering] My head is exploding! I - I can't think! I can't sleep! Look at this! Look at this! The British newspapers say I am a madman. The American newspapers say I am a cannibal. I am a cannibal, huh? Huh? These are lies! I should throw them out for good. Only Ugandan press from now on. - Do you want something for the headache, sir? - No. - Something to help you sleep perhaps? - Later. I want you to tell me what to do. You want me to tell you what to do? Yes. You are my advisor. You are the only one I can trust in here. You should have told me not to throw the Asians out in the first place. I did. But you did not persuade me, Nicholas. You did not persuade me. Huh? Tell me what to do here. Don't throw the journalists out. They're only gonna write more lies about you. Invite them to meet you face-to-face. You charm them. You show them what kind of a man you are. Hmm. You think this will work? I think that's the Amin they need to see. Thank you. Thank you very much, Nicholas. [Chuckles] What would I do without my Nicholas, huh? What would I do without my Nicholas? [Chuckles] Is there something going on here? - Huh? - No. No. - No. - Is there? - No. - Huh? - No. - Are you sure, Nicholas? Yes. [Chuckles] - Yes. - [Chuckling] [Laughs] Give me a booster. Something to make me feel strong again. [Sighs] - Sir. [Clears Throat] - Where are you going, Nicholas? I have, uh, something that I have to attend to. Uh-uh. No. You have to stay here. I need you for the press conference. [Line Ringing] [Ringing Continues] This is all very well, Your Excellency, but what about the reports of mass killings? Who have you been talking with? The British? Go. Look around Uganda for missing people. Go anywhere you please. [Reporter] So why would the British spread these rumors? - [Crowd Murmuring] - [Man] Yeah? Because... they hate me... because I refuse to recognize South Africa- a racist regime that they support. Also, they are jealous of me. [Man] Why? [Amin] Because while they are starving with their strikes and with their protests... the people of Uganda are eating beef and driving big cars. [Chuckling] I have- I have created the Save Britain Fund. We Ugandans, we like to help our friends. So, the Ugandans have got together... and saved three tons of food and vegetables... - for their friends in England. - [Applause] Because they are having economic difficulties, let me assure you here. Kay? It's Nick. Kay, it's okay. It's Nick. - What? - [African Language] She went to the village. We had to take her to hospital. [Applause] [Reporter] It's been reported that you've crowned yourself the last king of Scotland. Yes. My good friends, the Scottish people... have seen how I have defeated the English here... and they want me to do the same for them there. [Squawks] Yeah, her. This woman here. Did you "wrote" the queen of England, offering yourself as a lover? - [All Laughing] - [Amin] You - You - You are - You are very cheeky. [All Laughing] [Elevator Button Clicking] [Woman Shouting In Distance] [Shouting In African Language] [Shrieking] [Shouting Continues] [People Wailing, Shouting] [Shouting, Wailing Continue] - [People Moaning, Wailing] - [Masanga Shouting In African Language] And this is what happens when you betray the president. This is what happens when you betray him. [Sobs] [Shrieking In African Language] - [Retching] - [African Language] [Woman Wailing, Shouting] [Glass Breaking] [Woman] I'm not turned off to sex. I enjoy it. I could spend the rest of my life getting laid. [Rattling] [Woman] There should be more to it than a lot of little tingles. [Woman Moaning] [Moaning Continues] They say she has a clitoris halfway down her throat. Is this possible... medically? [Woman, Moaning] Oh, yeah. Almost all aberrations of nature are possible. [Moaning Continues] I made an example of her... because she betrayed me. I brought you those headache pills that you asked for. Good. Is there anything else? No. No, that's all. [Moaning Continues] Then go. We are busy here. [Rattling] [Ringing] Uh-huh. Allô? Good morning. - [Quietly] Come on. - [Phone Rings] - Shit. - Hello? - Yes? - [Quietly] Come on. Yes, sir. Nicholas, there you are! - Were you trying to run away from me? - No. No. - Huh? - No. [Laughing] I need you at the airport right away... - to help me with the hostages. - H-Hostages? Yes. An Air France aeroplane has been hijacked by our Palestinian brothers. They have landed here at Entebbe. The eyes of the world are on Uganda today. Come, Nicholas. To work. - How many passengers? - [Rattling] 250? And how many of them are Zionist? And, uh, television? Plenty of television cameras? [Amin] Mmm. Yes. Tell them to take the hostages to the terminal building. [Pills Rattling] [Radio Chatter] - Mr. President, the press is waiting for you, sir. - All right. [Pills Rattling] [Camera Shutters Clicking] - [African Language] - [All Respond In African Language] I wanted to assure you that the hostages will get the best medical care. I have made my own doctor available. [Baby Crying] [Crying] Doctor? Doctor, what's the situation here? We've one woman with a heart condition. She's already gone to hospital. A few cases of shock. And we're giving malaria pills to everyone. - Okay, who's not been seen by a doctor yet? - I haven't. - [Woman] We haven't. - [Nicholas] How many of you are there? - [Woman #2] I haven't, please. - [Nicholas] You neither? - You've not been seen yet? - Malaria pills. How is everybody doing? - Thank you very much. - [Pills Rattling] - [Baby Crying] - Okay. Um, okay. Anybody else? [Nicholas] Okay. Take these three. The nurse is gonna come round with water. Nurse? [Baby Crying] Thomas? Thomas, can you take these, please? - All right. - Just be two minutes. Just take one. Malaria pills. Thank you. [Pills Rattling] [African Language] [African Language] [Shouts In African Language] [Nicholas] Stop! Don't! [African Language] Spit. [Groans] [Groans] [Gasping] Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? "I will go to Africa... and I will play the white man with the natives." Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Nicholas. We are real. This room here- it is real. I think your death... will be the first real thing... that has happened to you. - Listen to me, Nicholas. - [Groans] Listen. I know. Yes. I know about you and Kay. How could you do that to me? I am the father of this nation, Nicholas. And you have most grossly... offended your father. You're a child. That's what makes you so fucking scary. [Chuckles] - [Grunts] - [Gasps] [Chuckles] In my village... when you steal... the wife of an elder... they take you to a tree... and they hang you by your skin. Each time you scream... the evil comes out of you. Sometimes it can take three days... for your evil to be spent. - Pull him up. - [Grunts] [African Language] - [African Language] - [Groans] [Grunting] [Grunting] [African Language] [Gasps] [Gasps] [African Language] [African Language] [Nicholas Groans] [Groans] Good evening. I have good news. The Israeli government has agreed to negotiate. [Crowd Murmuring] So, as a gesture of good faith... all non-Israeli hostages will be released. [Crowd Murmuring] I have arranged, personally... an aeroplane to come and collect you. Yes, yes. [Crowd Murmuring] [All Chattering, Laughing] He'll be here when we come back. [Crowd Clamoring] [Terrorist Shouting In Foreign Language] This way, Israelis! - [Clamoring Continues] - [Baby Crying] [Clamoring Continues In Distance] [Terrorist] Israelis stay here. - [Clamoring Continues] - [Woman Crying] [Nicholas Groaning] [Crying] [Gasping] They have sent a plane. They are releasing some of the hostages. If you go now, you will reach them before they leave. Here. Put this on. Why-Why are you doing this? Frankly... I don't know. You deserve to die. But dead, you can do nothing. - [Grunts] - Alive... you might just be able to redeem yourself. [Grunts] I don't understand. I am tired of hatred, Dr. Garrigan. This country is drowning in it. We deserve better. Go home. Tell the world the truth about Amin. They will believe you. You are a white man. [Groans Softly] [All Chattering, Laughing] [Groans] [All Laughing] [African Language] What about you? My fate is in God's hands. - [Junju] Go. Now. Before they come back. - [Chattering, Laughing] Thank you. Go. Go. [Laughing] [Men Chattering, Laughing] [Chattering In African Language] [African Language] [African Language] [Shouts] [Radio Chatter] [African Language] I said stop! Where is the doctor? I don't know. Destination Paris. [Shouting In African Language] [African Language] My wife- [Baby Crying] Because many of the people who, uh, broke relations with Israel... they are not only Muslims, they are also Christians. This particular certain point is very important- [No Audible Dialogue] [Passengers Murmuring] [ ManSinging In African Language] [ Ends] [ WomanSinging In African Language] [ ChorusJoinsIn ] [ SongContinues] [ Ends] [ ManVocalizing] [ ManSinging In African Language] [ SongContinues] [ ChorusJoinsIn ] [ SongContinues] [ Ends] Subtitled by Subscene (Divxstation) - Come on! Are youse ready? - Aye! Aye! On your marks! Get set! Go! Yeah! Stew, Dr. Garrigan? - And you, Dr. Garrigan? - Hmm. I, uh- - I thought that- - Mother. Seeing as we have something to celebrate, we might have a wee drop. - Sherry. - Right. Right. Uh-huh. Your mother and I are very proud of you, Nicholas. - Very proud. - Not quite as good a degree as mine... but a fine one nevertheless. Being a family doctor- Well, let me tell you, Nicholas, you've chosen a fine life. If you'll both raise your glasses... a toast. To father and son. A long future together. Nicholas, are you all right in there? I'm fine. I'm fine. Okay. First place you land, you go. First place you land, you go. Canada. What are all the soldiers for? - Excuse me. Do you speak English? - Yes. What are all the soldiers for? The army's taking over. There is a coup. - A coup? What, are we safe? - Don't worry. These are General Amin's men. He fights for the people. It's a very happy day for us. - Is that him? - Yes. - What do you do in Scotland? - Well, I'm a doctor. - A qualified doctor. - Oh. Yeah. I thought maybe use my skills here, you know? Monkeys! Look! Look up there, Tolu. Look. Do you have monkeys in Scotland? No, we don't have monkeys in Scotland. No. If we had monkeys in Scotland... we'd probably deep-fry them. I think I'm gonna like it. This is my stop. I'm a medical officer overseas! Dr. Garrigan? - Uh, Dr. Merrit. - No, I'm Sarah, David's wife. - Welcome. - Hello. David was called out on an emergency. - I hope everything's okay. - Yeah. Just normal business around here. Safe journey? - Uh, well, you know, it was- - Bloody awful. Goat up your ass and your face in someone's armpit. Last time I did that trip, I nearly asphyxiated. Right. Hop in. Actually, I waited for the bus yesterday too. - Oh, yeah? - We were getting a little worried about you. Thought you might have got caught up in the coup. It's official now, by the way. Obote's out. Radio's full of it. Who's Obote? - Ex-president. - Oh, right. And, uh, what's his name. Amin. He's taken over. Yeah? You've certainly come at a busy time. Whatever I can do to help. - Morning, Nicholas. - Morning. - So, what do you think? - Aye. Aye, fine. Come on. Come through. This is the operating room. Simple procedures for the most part. - Ah, morning. - Morning. If you don't mind me asking, how many doctors are there here? Well, there's me, and, uh- and now there's you. - Good morning, Sister. Good morning. - Morning. You know, the, uh, interesting thing is... 80% of the locals still prefer the witch doctor to us. Sometimes I think we're just... skimming the surface of an ocean. - Ready? - Yeah. There we are. Whoo. - There we go. Okay. - Over here. Okay. Yes, thank you. And- Okay, and one more. Okay, who's next? That's a lovely name. Can I just see your- Yeah? Nicholas, are you ready? Dr. Merrit. What is it? - Complications with the Magisha baby. - I'll go. No, no. I'd better go. I know the mother. Ah, sorry. I'll be back in an hour or two. Bonny. Jump in. - Hi, Bonny. - Hi. Mmm. - I hope you don't mind me saying this, but- - Yeah? You seem an unlikely candidate for this kind of work. Why? 'Cause I don't wear socks and sandals? Touchi. I still want to make a difference, you know. - Really? - Yes, really. Want to have fun, too, though. Bit of adventure. Something different. That's a lot of things. Is it? Yeah! It's a beautiful goal for Scotland! Yeah! That's a good one. Hey, Bonny, why are the women singing? You don't know? The president is coming to the village. Where's Dr. Merrit? - He has gone to town for stores. - Right. Come on. I thought you might be slightly curious to see the new boss. I don't work for Amin. Right. Fine. Just thought it might be... fun. Okay. Okay, okay. Amin! Amin! Amin! Amin! Amin! Amin! Amin! And I want to promise you... this will be a government of action, not of words. We will build new schools, new roads! And new houses! I may wear... the uniform... of a general... but, hey- In my heart, I am a simple man. Like you. I know who you are and everything that you are. I am you. Ask my soldiers. All my life... I never eat food until my soldiers have eaten first. It will be like this in Uganda now. Together, we will make this country better. And stronger! And free! Whoo! Whoo! - Have you seen enough now? - What? Have you seen enough now? Just - Just a couple of minutes. Whoo! Whoo. - Can we please go now? - Okay. They sang just like that for Obote... until they realized that he turned their economy into a personal bank account. Oh, come on. Give the man a chance. I'm serious. You talk to me in a couple of years. What's going on? Jesus. What's the problem? They're looking for a doctor. The president's been hurt in an accident. We have to come. We'll follow you? God. How terrifying. My hand! - Whoa. Whoa. - My hand is broken! Get that farmer out of my sight! Hey. Hey. Come. Come here. My name's Dr. Garrigan. I hear you have a problem with your hand. I'd like to examine it. Hmm? There you go. Okay, now do a fork. Raise your thumb like that. Okay. How's that? Sarah, I think we're gonna need a splint here. Please, can somebody do something about that bloody cow? I don't think you've broken it. I think it's just sprained. Please! It's in pain! Can you just hold that now with your other hand? Sarah, can you go and talk to that farmer about his cow, please? Sarah, how's it goin'? Will somebody please put that animal out of its misery! I'm trying to explain to them! For God's sake! I'm sorry. I- - I couldn't hear myself think. - You took my gun. - Yeah. - Who are you? Nicholas- I'm Dr. Nicholas Garrigan. I work at the medical compound in Mgambo. I'm a doctor. You are British. Brit - Uh, well- I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. - Scottish? - Yeah. Why didn't you say so? I fought with the Scots against the Mau Mau. Great soldiers. Very brave. And good people. Completely. Let me tell you, if I could be anything instead of a Ugandan... - I would be a Scot, my friend. - Right. Really? Except for the- the red hair... which I'm sure is attractive to your women... but which we Africans- We find this quite disgusting. Thank you, Dr. Garrigan. A very good job. Hey, please. Would you let me have this T-shirt? My son, Campbell, he would love this T-shirt. - You've got a son called Campbell? - Yeah. Maybe you would take my- my shirt here in exchange. Right. Of course. Yeah. - Ah. - Thank you. Aha. You see? Now you are a general, like me. - Salute, please. - Oh. Now I must leave. And I bet you that's worth a few bob. Yeah. Hmm. I still can't believe how you shot that cow. You're mad. Um, anyway, I think I have to go. - Do you fancy a wee drink on the porch? - No, thank you. I'm okay. Really. I - Nicholas. I have to go. No. Look, it's fine, all right? We're just havin' a drink. Oh, God. - I can't do this. - What? My husband is a good man. Oh, Christ. I sound ridiculous. I guess I- I guess I just need you to understand why I'm here. - It's okay. I do understand. - No, you don't. - I'm sorry. - It's okay. It's just, sometimes... when you're married to such a very good man... it's- - It-It makes you feel- - Like shit. My father's the same. And... it's nice to be noticed. - Mmm. No, I can't. I can't. I can't. - Sarah. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - It's fine. - No, I don't- - Sarah, it's fine. Don't, please. Please. Nicholas. Nicholas, there are some people here to see you. Be, um, right there, David. Right. Right. - Good morning, Dr. Garrigan. - Morning. My name is Jonah Wasswa, Minister of Health here in Uganda. I've been sent by His Excellency, President Amin. - There is something he would like to ask you in person. - Wh-What? Sarah? Oh, hey. Listen. Why don't you tell David to rearrange the field trip for Friday? All right? I'll be back as soon as I can. He probably just wants me to retie his bandages. Okay, I'll see you later. My name is Masanga. Nice to meet you. I'm Nicholas. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Nicholas. Welcome to the president's car. - They think you are the president. - Eh? They think you are the president. The president's house. Please sit down. His Excellency will be with you in a moment. - And who's this? - Oh. Dr. Junju, the previous incumbent. - Of what? - Of the post... of personal physician to the president. Hold on to your guns! Everyone! Hold on to your guns! - Good to see you again, Dr. Garrigan. - You too. You see, Jonah? This is the sort of man a president needs around him- someone who is not afraid to speak his mind. So, what do you say, Nicholas? Will you take the job? Wha - I'm sorry. Um- - You want me to be your physician? - Mmm. - Do you want to be of service to Uganda, Dr. Garrigan? - Yes, I do. Then what better way... than to look after the health of its president? And let me tell you, it will not be a difficult job. Because me, myself, I am a man... in perfect physical condition. Also, I know precisely when I will die. It came to me in a dream. So, you do not have to worry about making a mistake. - I'm really sorry. I'm-I'm very honored, but- - Nicholas. I understand. Me, myself, I did not want to be president. But the people, they wanted it so. Listen to me. This is very important. Here, in Kampala... you will have a hand in creating... a new health service for this country- something that will help millions of people. I'm sorry. I really do have a commitment to the mission in Mgambo. I'd be lettin' them down horribly. You see? Ah. It's the woman, the one I saw you with. You want to get back to be with her. Well, not entirely. It's the woman. It's the woman. Why don't you tell her to come and be here with us? Uh, well, it's not that simple. - It's quite complicated actually. - Why? - Is she married? - Yes, she is. Ah, Doctor. Doctor, you- you are very naughty. Me? Ah, now you are even more interesting. Married women, they are always the most passionate, huh? Yes. - It's true. - They are so grateful, huh? Hmm. Yes. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm sorry for wasting your time. No, no. My car will take you back first thing in the morning. But, in the meantime- Tonight, we are having a state dinner. Please, would you join us there? I'd very much like that. Thank you. You have a suit? Dark suit? - No. No, I don't. - Hmm. How much is this gonna cost me, by the way? It's okay. It's the president's account. - Oh, can I just- - Hey! Stop! - What's goin' on? - Obote's men. - They're everywhere. - Really? Yep. They're communists, you know? Mind you, Amin's more than a match for them. He's ex-British army- King's African Rifles. - Uh, Jamshid. - Yes, sir? Pack those up and have them sent to the High Commission in the morning, please. Thanks. Yes, he's a little unpredictable... but he's got a firm hand. Only thing the African really understands. - Thanks, Jamshid. - You're welcome. Yeah, up yours too, pal. Bloody English. Hello. Hello. Hello there. How do you do? - Ah! Nicholas. - Oh! - I'm so happy you came. - So am I. Please. Please, this way. I want to introduce you to my wives. Excuse me. Here. This is Malyamu. She is my first wife. She has given me five children. Hello. And this one - Nora. She has given me three. Hello. And that here is Kay. Yes. - This is Dr. Nicholas Garrigan. - Hello. - He saved my life. - Oh, wel - Really, I just stitched his hand up. - It was- - Don't be so modest. I believe it is you I have to thank for the T-shirt. Oh, right. So you must be Campbell's mother. - Yes. - It's a pleasure meeting you. Please come. I have to introduce you to some people here. Excuse me. - This is, uh, British High Commissioner, Mr. Perkins. - How do you do? Please, meet my good friend Dr. Nicholas Garrigan. And his colleague Mr. Stone. - How do you do? - Fine. Yes, we've already met. - Well, I will talk with you later. - Oh, right. So, uh, Dr. Garrigan, we've been hearing all sorts of things about you. Yes, I, uh - I gather the president has clasped you to his bosom. Uh, no, no. Not exactly. What do you make of him? Well, I think he's doing rather a great job. - Don't you? - Yes. He has some issues to be sorted out. But, no, he plays a pretty straight bat. - Yes, definitely one of us. - Anyway... it's very good to, uh, have another Englishman around. - Scot. - What? I'm a Scotsman. Ladies and gentlemen, friends. I am speaking with you now because if I wait until later... you will be too drunk to hear my voice. - Here is where civilization began. - Yes. Here in Africa. Here is where the Greeks stole their philosophy... and the Arabs took their medicine. We Ugandans must be more proud of this history. We are an independent African nation... living in peace and economic power. - Black power. - Yes. Just like all you people thought would never be possible. And now we will go through to dinner. The food tonight, it is all local... special food. And none of it is human flesh. This is my last. Dr. Garrigan. Please come quickly. The president is very sick. They have poisoned me. They are trying to assassinate me. - Nicholas. - Okay. I just have to examine your stomach. Obote's people are everywhere. They want me dead, Nicholas. Okay, I'm just- I need to do this. Okay? One more. One more. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think I know what this is. Let me listen, just listen. Okay. Yeah, okay. I think I know what this is. Bear with me. Uh- There we go. There we are. Okay. I'm gonna ask you to sit on this pouf right here. - Hey! What is this? - It's okay. It's okay. - What is this? - It's okay. I'm just gonna hold it against your stomach. I'm gonna ask you to stand up... in three. One, two, three. Go. I feel better, much better. Ah. Ah, yes. You are a good doctor. Thank you. In future, remember not to mix beer with aspirin. - That was the cause? - I think so, yes. I am ashamed that you saw me like that. - I was frightened. - I'm a doctor. Everything that passes between us is confidential. Okay? I've taken an oath. But a man who shows fear, he is weak... and he is a slave. Well, if you're afraid of dying... it shows you have a life worth keeping. Ah. You see? You are a doctor... and also a philosopher. Yes. I do have a good life now. Please. Please, sit. Sit here. Sit here. I come from... a very poor family. I think you should know this. My father, he left me when I was a child. The British army, it became my home. They took me as a... cleaner in the kitchen, cleaning pots. They used to beat me. "Build this wall, Amin. " "Dig this latrine, Amin. " And now here I am, the president of Uganda. And who put me here? Huh? It was the British. What a story. - Good night, Nicholas. - Good night, sir. Uh, hello. Sarah, it's Nicholas. - Nicholas, where are you? - I'm still in Kampala actually. Thank you. Look, the president's offered me a job here. Normally, I wouldn't even bother considering it. - But, under the circumstances... - Thank you. I thought it might be quite a good idea. Oh, I see. David will be disappointed. Oh, well, I'll write to David. Of course I will. Of course. I just hope you can do as much good there as you could've done here. Look, somebody's callin' me. I'd, uh, better go. - Sure. - All right. Well, listen. Bye, Sarah. - I'll be in touch. - Bye. When you're not treating the president or his family... the hospital could use your expertise here. This is one of our new medical wards. Farther down the corridor will be the operating theaters... which the president has paid for himself. - Yes, sir. - Hi, Doctor. - Welcome to Mulago, Dr. - - Garrigan. Hello. I do hope you find the hospital up to the standard you are used to. Uh, excuse me. Who was that? Your predecessor- Dr. Junju. - Never mind him. - Excuse me, sir. Two men to see you. - Excuse me a moment. - Of course. - Hello. Jolly nice of you. - It's very nice. Dr. Garrigan. Just topping up on quinine. So, you've decided to stay. - Uh, yes. Yes, I did. - Excellent. Excellent. Well, listen, I just wanted to say... that if there's anything we can possibly help you with... please don't, um, hesitate. What, you're my new best friend now? Do just stay in touch. Why? Well, given that we were so, uh... intimately involved with the president coming to... power... the Foreign Office has asked me to point out our awareness... of your very unique personal relationship with President Amin. Mm-hmm? Should you find the need to clarify your status... regarding the details of that relationship... we would of course welcome any clarification you might... feel the need to share with us. Is there some special school where you people... learn to talk that bollocks? Do, please, stay in touch. You-You take care now. This man is going to kill- He's going to kill the president. So Nicholas walks up to that cow, and he shoots it in the head. On your marks! Get set! Go! Amin! Amin! - Ho! - I won. Hit my hand. Yes. - Okay. Nicholas. - Oh, no, no, no. Before I forget, I need to ask a favor. Anything. I will be in Libya next week... and I need you to attend a meeting in my place. - What kind of meeting? - A simple matter of taste and common sense. I cannot think of anyone better than you. Ah, gentlemen, please. Don't get up. The president sends his apologies. He's been called away- on short notice. He's asked me to step in. - And you are? - Nicholas Garrigan, his doctor. - His doctor? - Yes. - And you are? - I'm the Austrian foreign minister. This is Dr. Ramml, one of our leading architects... and Dr. Brunner from the Institute of Civil Engineering. Together, we are the first bid. Bid, right. For what precisely? I love it. Good choice. Modern, elegant- a symbol of Uganda's future. - Here is where we will have the next Pan-African Congress. - Nice. My two closest advisors- Tweedledum and Tweedledee. - Look what Nicholas has designed for me. - Nice. - I didn't design anything. It was more- - That's nonsense. You have a wonderful eye. Jonah- he has... no taste. Look at him. Even his suits, they look silly. Is that not right, Jonah? What is it you want, Jonah? I have some ministerial papers for your signature. Go. I will sign them later. I do not like the way that man looks at me. Do you think he looks at me strangely? No. No, I can't say that I've noticed. Okay. Enlargement of the medial sternum... and reticular nodular lung patterns- all indicating pulmonary T.B. Yeah, but it could be disseminated- What was that? Makindye Prison- where Obote's people are being held. Can you hear that? Dr. Garrigan! Dr. Garrigan! Please! Come quickly. The president's son is sick. What's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? Can you hear me, child? I'm begging you to stop it. Mackenzie! - Thank you. You can step away. - Stop it, Mackenzie. Please. - Thank you. Your son's epileptic? - I don't know. - What? Has he been like this before? - Yes. Right. Can you hold his knees up against his chest? - Yeah, yeah. - If you can do that. Okay. The other hand back here. - This is Campbell? - It's Mackenzie, Campbell's brother. - Mackenzie? Right. - Come on, Mackenzie. Come on, baby. Mackenzie, I am Dr. Garrigan. Okay? We're gonna sort you out. - We'll get you to hospital. It's gonna be fine. - No, no, no. - The president will not allow it. - I really think the child- - You must do what you can do from here. - The child has to go to hospital. Please! Please. It's okay now, baby. Mama's here. Mama is here. It's okay. Mama's here. Okay. Okay. There you are. Okay. Okay. - There we are. - Thank you. Thank you, Doctor. - I thought I was losing him. - It's okay. He's gonna be fine. Could you, uh - Could you move the toys from that bed, please? Could you move the toys from that bed, please? Ah. Big boy. Big boy. Here we go. It's okay, baby. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Don't say sorry. Don't say sorry. - This is where you live? - Yes. Why not at State House with the other wives? Since I had Mackenzie, my husband prefers us to be somewhere more private. That's ridiculous. I think this child has epilepsy. It's a perfectly treatable condition. - The president does visit you here? - He visits the children, not me. I am a bad omen. Okay. Okay, I'm gonna make an appointment for Mackenzie at the hospital. All right? I will tell the president how helpful you have been. Very nice. Good morning, Nicholas. I could not go without thanking you for helping my son- Don't mention it. and to bring you a small gift. No doctor should be without his ambulance. For me? Yes. Come. Come. This is yours here. Oh. Uh-huh? What do you think? Are you serious? It-It's a fantastic gift. Are you happy now? Eh? Let's try it. You can drive me to the airport. I have to fly to Libya on business. - Don't you think that I should get dressed? - Quickly then. Quickly. - Now? Right. - Yes. I'll just be a minute. - Are you comfortable here? - Yeah, very much. Thank you. Ah. So, uh, it- it was Obote's men who attacked the prison, yeah? - Yes. - Right. We heard the gunfire all the way at the hospital. - Yes, and my soldiers, they held them off. - Oh, right. We thought we were going to be inundated with casualties. Do you want to drive your car? I want to see you drive your car. - Okay. - Please. Come. - Come. - Okay. Okay. So, you do not like the way I treat my son. Uh, no. No, I don't. Hiding him away like that, it's-it's ruining his life. That boy has everything he wants. Except the treatment that could save him. He has comfort and luxury in life. - Money? Sir, it's no substitute for anything. - Nicholas. You have never been poor. What about Kay? Don't you think it's, uh- Do not speak about things you do not understand. But the way you are concerned... it has touched me, and I will consider. You know, I like this type of frank conversation. Yes. I respect your honesty... and your opinion completely. - Nicholas! - Stop! - Shit! Shit! - Drive! Drive. Drive past! Drive! Drive! Obote's men! I'm sure of it! If I had not been in your car- But... it is in my dream. They cannot kill me. It is in my dream. Somebody told his men my travel plans. Somebody is betraying me. I cannot trust... anybody. I'm surrounded... by traitors! Masanga. Nicholas. Nicholas. You know Masanga? He is one of my people. He will handle all of my security matters from now on. Yes, sir. - You will take care of me and this country. - Yes, sir. Where is Jonah Wasswa? Where is he? I need my minister. A minister should be by his president's side. - Where is he? - I don't know. And you call yourself my closest advisor? Huh? You see? You see? These loyal soldiers... already they have captured the criminals. Do not pity them, Nicholas. These men here, they wanted you dead. Why did you try to kill me? Huh? I will not die... until I say! Look at me! Obote! Huh? You work for him! Obote! Huh? That-That... drunk, silly man! You want to kill me for that drunk, silly man? Huh? Uganda loves me... because I am loyal... and I am fair. I am your president. Come, Nicholas. This is no place for us. These I can read you later. And the rest-The rest are just pro forma papers for you to sign. Um, I left a small list of medical equipment at the end... for my old surgery in Mgambo. Is there anything else, Nicholas? Eh? Nicholas? It's probably nothing, sir. What? Nicholas, you are my closest advisor. Please. Tell me what is on your mind. Last night, I went to the Holiday Inn and had a drink. I saw Jonah Wasswa there speaking to some white guy in the bar. Something about it just didn't seem right. It's - It's probably nothing... but, uh, you might wanna have a talk with him. Just - Just a talk. Like I say, Good night, sir. - Ah. How are you? - Very well. How are you? Very well. See you next week. Would you care for a drink? That's very good, Mackenzie. Very good. Go show your brother. Hiya. Hiya. Uh, he's looking much better. Much better. That other one is Campbell. He is the one who got your T-shirt. You're a man of taste. Mummy! Mummy! Please, goodbye. - Mummy! He keeps pushing me! Mummy! - Okay, stop it. Stop it, Mackenzie. Dr. Garrigan. Daydreaming? Well, looking at you, Stone, I certainly hope so. I wasn't expecting to find you here. I thought you'd be with the president on his trip to London. No, I'm needed here. - I do hope the man hasn't blown up again. - Uh, what? I was reading this article in the Times. I don't know if you've seen it. It seems a high court judge who recently ruled against Amin has gone missing. - Hasn't been seen for five days. - I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation. Well, the thing is, we've been getting reports... up and down the country of the same thing. People speaking out against the regime... just, uh, disappearing. No. Look, if you're gonna accuse the president of something, you just come out and say it. - All right? - I was just hoping you might be able... to give us a little clarification. Oh, fuck your clarifications, Stone! Fuck them. You people amaze me. You know, the first sign of an independent African leader actually achieving something... and what do you do? You spit your dummy because you can't stand the idea that he's done it without you. I know he's maybe a little bit rough, but what do you expect? Do you think Obote's people are sittin' around waitin' for clarifications? Look at me. This is Africa. You meet violence with violence. Anything else, and you're dead. Well, then perhaps you'd be so kind... as to explain to me the whereabouts of Health Minister Wasswa. What? Well, he's, uh- he's missing too. But, as you say, I'm sure there's some, uh... perfectly normal explanation. I'm, uh, having drinks later... with the man who wrote the article. Perhaps you'd like to join us... and shed some light on the matter. - Fine. I will. - All right. Six o'clockish. - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm here to see the health minister. I'm afraid she's busy. You were right. The health minister has gone missing. Apparently, he's fled to Tanzania. What? Jonah Wasswa? Mmm. It appears he's embezzled several hundred thousand pounds' worth of Ministry funds. And some people are suggesting that he's joined up with Obote's exiles. - I find that very hard to believe. - The man was on the verge... of sealing a major pharmaceutical deal. Life-saving penicillin for the masses. I should know. I set up the meeting with his South African counterpart... at, um, the Holiday Inn. So, this embezzlement- is it on the record? - Yes. Yes, it is. - And I can quote you in the paper? - I'm sorry? Quote me? - Not directly, of course. As a government spokesman. Government spokesman? Aye. Mr. President. I've come to say good-bye. I'm going home. Mr. President? Boo! I got you. I got him. Nicholas, meet my body double, Wzenga. Look at him. Everything the same. Except- What do you say, Nicholas? Is he as handsome as me? - No. No, he's not. - Aha! You see? You see? Nicholas agrees. You are much more ugly than me, Wzenga. Look, look, look, Nicholas. I have others also. All part of Captain Masanga's plan for my security. Clever, huh? Yeah. Nicholas. My Nicholas. What is all this about your going home? Hmm? We- You once told me that you respected me... 'cause I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. Mmm. Speak. It's this business with Wasswa. I can't- It fucking stinks. And I can't help coming back to that moment... when I asked you to talk to him. Look, this isn't me. I have to go home now. You cannot. What? Your work is not finished here yet. But I didn't come here to finish anything. You promised to me... that you would help to build a new Uganda. You swore an oath. The oath is, um- It's - It's a doctor's oath of confidentiality. We all take it. - It's got nothing to do with Uganda. - Huh? Nothing? Nothing comes from nothing. You have a conscience. I know you do. That is why you came here in the first place. Or are you like all the other British? Just here to fuck and to take away. No. - No. - No. Why else would I trust you with my family? You are like my own son. I'm Nicholas Garrigan... and I'm from Scotland. That's my home. I want to go- Your home is here. Please. Just, please- Do not be a silly boy. If you go now, what will they think about you and, uh, Jonah Wasswa? What are you talkin' about? I said - I said talk to him. Do not pretend to yourself that you did not know. You are a stronger man than that. I didn't want him to die though. But you-you did it. - Why? You want to know why? - Mm-hmm. You did it because... you love me. You have stepped deep into the heart of my country. Uganda. Uganda embraces you. Nicholas. Nicholas. What you need is to have some fun. Hey, Nicholas. Where have you been? - I want you to meet Betty. - Betty. And this here is her sister Joy. - Joy. - Hello. - Hello. - Joy is going to look after you this weekend. Joy- - All right. - All right. And now, let the games begin. Yes. Nicholas. You did not know we had Ugandan cowboys, eh? Finance Minister. Come here. All right. Can I have another whiskey, please? Well, let me tell you, Nicholas, you've chosen a fine life. You want to kill me for that drunk, silly man? Nicholas. Nicholas. Dr. Garrigan. Jesus fucking Christ, you look so lovely. You know something? I shouldn't be here. I should be in Scotland with my dad. I should be looking after little old ladies, 'cause- 'cause here I've fucked up. Kay, I fucked up. I fucked up. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Not here. - Walk with me. - What? Walk with me. - I'm fucking doomed. - Watch your head. You know he's got go-go dancers after me now? Where are we going? I don't know. Nicky? Oh, shit! It's the go-go dancer. - Oh, uh- uh- - Nicky? In here. In here. Come on. Just follow me. Up here. Shh! Shh! You be quiet. Shh! Oh, fuck it. He has always been like this. He just chose not to show you until now. Nicholas. You have to find a way to get out. He still listens to me. He cannot trust anybody anymore. I'll wait till things get really bad. They are... really bad. Huh? What? - Nothing. - What? I just had this mad image of me and you sittin'... at my mother and father's dinner table. Oh. "More stew, Mrs. Amin?" Nicholas. You've got to get out. To the lake! Everybody to the lake! President's order! Everybody to the lake! To the lake! - What is going on? - President's order! - I don't know. - What if somebody saw us? Okay. You just wait two minutes and then come out after me, all right? Yeah. Go, go, go, go. Shit. Dr. Garrigan. It's 4:00 in the morning. Can I have a word with you? - Whiskey? - Okay. They've, uh- They've taken my passport. You were saying that if there was ever anything you could do- I need to get out of here while I still can. I was hoping you might be able to help in that. - Please. - "Please. " It's a nice touch. Mmm. Have you any idea what's going on in this country, Dr. Garrigan? Some. In the countryside, they're not even bothering to dig graves anymore. They're simply feeding them to the crocodiles. Right here in Kampala, right under our noses... he's wiped out the entire political opposition. Thousands of Acholi... and Langi tribesmen from the army. He's hardly even bothering to cover it up anymore. Even members of his own cabinet. Your friend the health minister. This man is actually trying to help his country. Idi always seems to get it wrong, doesn't he? Jesus fucking Christ. Get me out of here. You earn your passage first. Wha-What? You know what they're calling you? His white monkey. I'm his doctor. It's not my job to judge the man. "I'm his doctor. " Is that your defense? How pathetic. Fuck off, Garrigan. We don't just hand out passports to chimps like you. Particularly not chimps with blood on their hands. Look, you, I'm a citizen, and I have rights. Fuck your rights. You do as I say, or you don't get out of here. You're his doctor. You have unprecedented access to him. Obviously, we'd help you with... anything you needed. You want me to kill him? Amidst persistent rumors... of human rights violations and economic mismanagement... the situation in Uganda has deteriorated badly in recent months. The opening of 10 new hospitals has had to be deferred... and all the rest of them- But getting any definite information on the country... has become harder and harder. President Amin has accused... the British government of attempting to assassinate him and undermining him- And so his policies are growing ever more unpredictable. The British government has broken its promises to Uganda. Because of this, I have decided to expel... all Asians from this country. And these people, they are leeches. They milk the cow... but they do not want to feed the cow. No longer. They have 90 days to leave. They are too sick to leave. Take your hands off him! This is a sick man. How dare you! I don't care where you get your orders from! You cannot come into a hospital and start shoving people! They are forcing us to leave! Whoa! This is a hospital! You get your men out of here now! I'm complaining personally to the president. You all right? I'll see to this. You're trying to help your people. I understand that. But Uganda isn't ready, sir. You expel the Asians now, this economy will be on its knees. Not to mention the damage you'll do to your reputation abroad. Is that what you came here for? To plead... for your fucking Asian tailor? These things do not concern you. You are nothing but a doctor. You are a nobody. Get out. Get out! Sarah! Sarah! - Hello? - Oh, I can't believe- What have we done? Who? Kay, is that you? He is going to kill us, Nicholas. He's going to kill us. I have to get it out of me. He will kill me, Nicholas. I have to get it out. - What are we going to do? - I don't know. I want you to do it. Please. You're a doctor. I know you can do it. - I know you can do it, Nicholas. - No, we can't! I can't do that! This isn't some simple procedure. It has to be done under clinical conditions. I have to - If you don't do something now, I'm going to have to find a place to go. I'm - I'm going to have to get it done in one of the villages. Is that what you want? No. No, you don't. Come here. Whatever you do, you don't do that. All right? I'm gonna sort something out. Just... promise me you'll stay in the house. Please promise me you'll stay in the house. P - Promise me this- Promise me this is going to be all right. I promise. We'll do it first thing in the morning. - Kay Amin? - Mm-hmm. - The president's wife? - Yes. No. No, no, no. - We couldn't do that here. Not at Mulago. - Why not? It's the president's hospital! He's bound to find out. - We could do this discretely, Tommy. - No! He would kill her and us. It's too much to risk. What other choice does she have? Some-Some backstreet job in a village somewhere? Come on, Thomas. You know what that means. It's the only choice you've left her. But I don't expect it crossed your mind to wonder, huh? A white man with a black woman. What does she need with such things? Fine. I'll do it myself. The president wants to see you now. My head is exploding! I - I can't think! I can't sleep! Look at this! Look at this! The British newspapers say I am a madman. The American newspapers say I am a cannibal. I am a cannibal, huh? Huh? These are lies! I should throw them out for good. Only Ugandan press from now on. - Do you want something for the headache, sir? - No. - Something to help you sleep perhaps? - Later. I want you to tell me what to do. You want me to tell you what to do? Yes. You are my advisor. You are the only one I can trust in here. You should have told me not to throw the Asians out in the first place. I did. But you did not persuade me, Nicholas. You did not persuade me. Huh? Tell me what to do here. Don't throw the journalists out. They're only gonna write more lies about you. Invite them to meet you face-to-face. You charm them. You show them what kind of a man you are. Hmm. You think this will work? I think that's the Amin they need to see. Thank you. Thank you very much, Nicholas. What would I do without my Nicholas, huh? What would I do without my Nicholas? Is there something going on here? - Huh? - No. No. - No. - Is there? - No. - Huh? - No. - Are you sure, Nicholas? Yes. Yes. Give me a booster. Something to make me feel strong again. - Sir. - Where are you going, Nicholas? I have, uh, something that I have to attend to. Uh-uh. No. You have to stay here. I need you for the press conference. This is all very well, Your Excellency, but what about the reports of mass killings? Who have you been talking with? The British? Go. Look around Uganda for missing people. Go anywhere you please. So why would the British spread these rumors? Yeah? Because... they hate me... because I refuse to recognize South Africa- a racist regime that they support. Also, they are jealous of me. Why? Because while they are starving with their strikes and with their protests... the people of Uganda are eating beef and driving big cars. I have- I have created the Save Britain Fund. We Ugandans, we like to help our friends. So, the Ugandans have got together... and saved three tons of food and vegetables... for their friends in England. Because they are having economic difficulties, let me assure you here. Kay? It's Nick. Kay, it's okay. It's Nick. - What? - She went to the village. We had to take her to hospital. It's been reported that you've crowned yourself the last king of Scotland. Yes. My good friends, the Scottish people... have seen how I have defeated the English here... and they want me to do the same for them there. Yeah, her. This woman here. Did you "wrote" the queen of England, offering yourself as a lover? You - You - You are - You are very cheeky. And this is what happens when you betray the president. This is what happens when you betray him. I'm not turned off to sex. I enjoy it. I could spend the rest of my life getting laid. There should be more to it than a lot of little tingles. They say she has a clitoris halfway down her throat. Is this possible... medically? Oh, yeah. Almost all aberrations of nature are possible. I made an example of her... because she betrayed me. I brought you those headache pills that you asked for. Good. Is there anything else? No. No, that's all. Then go. We are busy here. Uh-huh. Allô? Good morning. Come on. - Shit. - Hello? - Yes? - Come on. Yes, sir. Nicholas, there you are! - Were you trying to run away from me? - No. No. - Huh? - No. I need you at the airport right away... - to help me with the hostages. - H-Hostages? Yes. An Air France aeroplane has been hijacked by our Palestinian brothers. They have landed here at Entebbe. The eyes of the world are on Uganda today. Come, Nicholas. To work. How many passengers? 250? And how many of them are Zionist? And, uh, television? Plenty of television cameras? Mmm. Yes. Tell them to take the hostages to the terminal building. - Mr. President, the press is waiting for you, sir. - All right. I wanted to assure you that the hostages will get the best medical care. I have made my own doctor available. Doctor? Doctor, what's the situation here? We've one woman with a heart condition. She's already gone to hospital. A few cases of shock. And we're giving malaria pills to everyone. - Okay, who's not been seen by a doctor yet? - I haven't. - We haven't. - How many of you are there? - I haven't, please. - You neither? - You've not been seen yet? - Malaria pills. How is everybody doing? Thank you very much. Okay. Um, okay. Anybody else? Okay. Take these three. The nurse is gonna come round with water. Nurse? Thomas? Thomas, can you take these, please? - All right. - Just be two minutes. Just take one. Malaria pills. Thank you. Stop! Don't! Spit. Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? "I will go to Africa... and I will play the white man with the natives. " Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Nicholas. We are real. This room here- it is real. I think your death... will be the first real thing... that has happened to you. Listen to me, Nicholas. Listen. I know. Yes. I know about you and Kay. How could you do that to me? I am the father of this nation, Nicholas. And you have most grossly... offended your father. You're a child. That's what makes you so fucking scary. In my village... when you steal... the wife of an elder... they take you to a tree... and they hang you by your skin. Each time you scream... the evil comes out of you. Sometimes it can take three days... for your evil to be spent. Pull him up. Good evening. I have good news. The Israeli government has agreed to negotiate. So, as a gesture of good faith... all non-Israeli hostages will be released. I have arranged, personally... an aeroplane to come and collect you. Yes, yes. He'll be here when we come back. This way, Israelis! Israelis stay here. They have sent a plane. They are releasing some of the hostages. If you go now, you will reach them before they leave. Here. Put this on. Why-Why are you doing this? Frankly... I don't know. You deserve to die. But dead, you can do nothing. Alive... you might just be able to redeem yourself. I don't understand. I am tired of hatred, Dr. Garrigan. This country is drowning in it. We deserve better. Go home. Tell the world the truth about Amin. They will believe you. You are a white man. What about you? My fate is in God's hands. Go. Now. Before they come back. Thank you. Go. Go. I said stop! Where is the doctor? I don't know. Destination Paris. My wife- Because many of the people who, uh, broke relations with Israel... they are not only Muslims, they are also Christians. Oh,no,this is bad. You cannot tell her I told you that she's in love with you. In love with me? You said feelings. Yeah,she's ||en totally|| obsessed with you. Obsessed? You said "in I||e"! Jimmy is Michael's father? I drank myself blind|| and robbed the McDonald's. || Just stop playing games,okay? I wanted to be more than friends. It's pretty clear that you don't. If you really wanted to be with her, we wouldn't be having this conversation, and yo||know it. I'm going over there. Oh,my God. Dean's still over there with Alex. He spent the night. And he's wearing the "Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than A Woman" T-shirt I loaned her! I just||ot number four. I can't || lieve I blew my chance with her. How can she be with Dean? Huh? He doesn't deserve her. || || All he thinks about is||ex, you know,goin||from girl to girl to girl to||irl. He's a total pig. You know you just desc||bed ||urself,right? But he's old! || Joey,look,all these things you just said about Dean are good for you. This thing with him and Alex is not gonna last. Yeah... yeah,you're right. And as soon as Dean's out of the picture, I'm gonna swoop down like a... sex vultur||tracking down a blonde chipmunk. I did it again- that's another great saying. Joey,Gina,Oh,Hey. I just had to come by and show you. Your new action figure's come out! Oh,my God! They made an Agent Ron action figure from the movie. Oh,this is so cool. Wow! Look at that, that's amazing! It looks just like me,huh? Wow. You know,funny how Ken and Barbie split up right when this guy shows up on the scene.Huh? Coincidence? Well... You rascal! Congratulations. It looks great. Wait a sec- what's wrong with my arms? Come on,give me a little muscle here. Oh,well,at least they gave me good pecs. I don't think th||e are pe||,Joey. Agent Ron's got boobies! Well,maybe they made a mistake at the factory and put your head on the wrong body. Well,you gotta fix this. Look. Oh,well,don't you worry,I will. But before I make them jump through hoops to change this, I just gotta... I don't have breasts! -=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents Sir, there's something up ahead and it's coming this way! It's a giant hermaphrodite! Oh,hey. Dean is leaving my apartment in the morning, which some of you might call the "Walk of Shame," but I actually don feel any shame about it. And if everyone's so damned curious about what happened, then I will tell you. We didn't do anything. And it wasn't for lack of trying. This guy wanted it bad. It's true. I was not subtle. Okay,this is fun. || Let's go. Dean,Dean, Dean,Dean. Spent the night and no action,huh? I bet you're dying to get out of here. No,actually,Alex and I are gonna go out to brunch. Dude,you struck out at her house, you're not gonna get any action for an omelet and some French toast. French toast? I'll do anything for French toast! No,listen,Joey. This is gonna sound weird coming from me, but it's not about the sex. I like Alex. I mean,I think I could really like Alex. Shut up! Come on,you can tell me, buddy. Be honest. No,no,I'm serious,man. Listen,I better get going. Hey,can I get a ride? - Where are you going? - To brunch with you guys. I can't believe that. He seems like he really likes her. What are you gonna do? I can't do anything for now. || Dean is my friend. A dude cannot move in on a girl that's with another dude. That's the dude code. You gotta look out for yourself. But he really likes her. You know,he even said, "It's not about the sex. " He's talking like a woman. No,no,not you. You're like a guy- with boobs. Like you? Shut up! Hey,I forgot to tell you, Jimmy's back in town. He's coming over. He wants to talk to me about something. Jimmy? Oh,no,I'm not ||ready to see him yet. Like I haven't even decided if I'm gonna tell him I'm his son. I should get out of here. Whoa,whoa,what are you gonna do,just take off anytime he comes around? No! I'm gonna tell him, it's just, it has to be the right time. Hey,look,I'm just spitballing ideas here, but a great time to tell him might be while you're making me a sandwich. Hey,Jimmy,welcome back! Hey,Joe. How you doing? Michael. Good. I've,uh,I've... I've really missed you,man. Look,if I,uh, gave you some signal that made you think that I wanted this,I'm sorry. No. You know,we never have to apologize to each other. So,the kid, what's the upside here? He's cool,he's cool. You want something to drink? Yeah. So,what's up? It's Gina,man, you know, I figured now that I'm back,we could really,uh, reconnect,you know. But she won't return any of my calls or nothing. I have this job offer out of town. Came back to L.A. just to be near her. Yeah,I don't think the Army counts as a job offer,Jim. What do you know,all right? ! The recruiting guy really liked my ideas! Okay,okay. Okay. Jimmy,what the hell are you doing here? Why won't you call me back? 'Cause I don't want to talk to you. You disgust me. Oh,yeah? I disgust you,huh? Yeah,you make me sick. Make more saliva! You're gross! Yeah,maybe your mouth is too dry,huh? ! Stop calling me. You see? Yeah. Yeah,you're a couple of sickos. Yeah,it's a thing of beauty! Come on,man, I'm going crazy. You gotta help me out. Okay,okay. I'll talk to her, see what I could do. All right,all right, thanks,man. I owe you one. No problem. Hey,Jimmy. You want to have a catch? What? ! No,eh! Aw! He got me again! Oh,hey. Do you have any curry? I'm cooking dinner for Dean tonight. Sure,yeah. It's,um, right over there. Thanks. So,uh, you and Dean,huh? Uh,yeah. I was gonna ask you about that. Is that weird him being your friend and everything? Weird? No. I think it's awesome,yeah. In fact,you know what would make it a really romantic dinner? There's still snow on the patio. Have it out there. Okay. That's a nice idea. That'll be fun. Thank you. Okay. Stupid Dean. That curry should be giving me diarrhea,not him! Hey. Oh,Zach,you know dudes have a code about not moving||n on another dude's girl? Oh,absolutely. Are there any loop holes to that rule? None that I can think of. So there's no way that it'd be okay for me to move in on a friend's girl,huh? Wait a s||ond. Are you sleeping with my wife? ! What,what,why? How did you even meet Sun-Yung? Look,I don't care if it was just a green card thing. You find yourself another woman! Whoa,whoa,Za||,Zach,I am not sleeping with your wife. I wouldn't do that to you. This was outside for you. Oh,this must me the new version of my action figure. Oh,this is gonna be so cool,huh? Oh... great! What are you talking about? The doll is black. Oh,is it? I don't really notice that kind of thing. Joey! Oh,oh,oh! Something horrible has happened with the doll. Oh,hi,Zach. I didn't notice you there. Something horrible has happened with the doll! Bobbie,don't these things go out in,like,two days? Yes. Well,you gotta fix this. This is terrible. I wish I spoke Korean, but I don't think the people at the factory understood me. Hey,I'll call my wife. Sun-Yung? Yeah. Zach,yeah. Dowah jo,nah chingoo,Joey. Hey. Hey. Hey,Mom. What's going on? Why'd you guys want to meet me? Well,Jimmy's coming,too. I think you guys should talk. Joey! Gina,no,no. Look. You gotta give him a chance. He's a really good guy and he's Michael's dad. Why are you being so weird around him? I'm not. Everything's normal. Can I get you anything to drink? A ginger ale,please. Oh,my God,you're pregnant! What are you talking about? Mom,you've never ordered ginger ale before ever in your life. That is not true. I order ginger ale all the time. What color is it? Okay,fine,I'm pregnant! Oh,my God! Gina,this is huge. Are you okay? I mean, are you happy about it? Yeah,I'm happy,I guess. I'm just a little freaked out. Oh,whoa,I'm gonna have a sibling. Michael,decide which beer you're gonna have later,okay? Your mom is having a baby! And the dad is...? Jimmy... again. Okay,look,Gina, ||don't beat yourself up,okay? Anyone can get pregnant accidentally by the same guy twice. I can't believe I'm going to be a single mother again. Look,we're going to do this together,okay? And this could be a good thing. Wow. You're going to be a mom. And I'm finally going to be an uncle. Hey! Of a real boy. So wait. I don't understand. If you're having a kid with Jimmy, why are you avoiding him? Well,I haven't figured out how to tell him yet. I want to do it right. I don't want to freak him out. Hey,you guys. Hey. How you doing? Good. Here. Sit down. Your ginger ale. Oh,my God! You're pregnant! Are you serious? Oh,my God. I can't take this. My life is over! Hey,whoa,Jimmy. Calm down. Relax. Come on. Let's have a beer. Can we get three siblings? Hey. Gina told me you were working here. Look,we need to talk. Joey,I got nothing to say. Listen,I know it's shocking to find out that you're going to be a father, but you can't just not deal with it. And you know what? I got to tell you. I think you'd be great at it. Oh,it ain't that,man. You know,I... I know I'm great with kids. Say,mister, do you work here? No! I'm wearing this green apron just for fun! Good luck reading a book,you dummy! It's just a lot of responsibility,you know? Hey,did you just yell at my son? I'm sorry if my friend scared your kid. That was totally inappropriate. Hey,let me see your doll for a second. That's what a dude's chest should look like! You like that,right? Look,Jimmy, you got to step up here,okay? You need to show Gina that you're going to be there for her. I don't know if I can. Well,you better figure out how to,okay? Otherwise,I am going to come back here and beat you senseless with this copy of Brokeback Mountain! Hey,this is about cowboys. You know what? I'm going to buy this. Hello. Joey,I have some bad news. They don't have enough time to change the dolls. So what would you rather be- black or a woman? I don't know. I'll get back to you. Listen,Zack... Hey. Hey. Can I grab something? Uh... Yeah. Sure. Okay,so I guess there's no time for them to switch the dolls around, so I have to choose which one of these I want to be. Oh,that's easy. You'd definitely rather be black than a girl. Yeah,maybe. What? Is there something wrong with being a woman? Well,no,no. So what are you saying? You'd rather have a sex change operation than look like me? Operation? What are you talking about? No matter what I do, I'm just going to have a smooth bump in the front. I mean... Well,whichever you choose, your doll's going to make less money than he would as a white man. What... what are you talking about? My doll's not going to have a job. Because of people like you! What... What...? My God. Look at them out there. I can't take this anymore! Joey,just tell her you ||ve feelings for her. Forget the stupid "guy code. " Oh,sure. Yeah. Let's just throw out the code. What's next,huh? Hos before bros? Huh? Guy who calls shotgun sits in the back seat? Huh? He who smelt didn't dealt it? || would be chaos! You know what? I think I'm just going to go out here and get in the way of their date. That's okay under the guy code? It is,historically, a gray area. Hey,guys. Hey. Listen,I'm cooking something in there, and I need my curry back. Right now? Yeah. Well,I could blow that off, and just join you guys, but I got a hankering for curry. Okay. I'll be right back. Okay. Hey. Hey. I'm not interrupting anything,am I? Well,yeah. We're on a date. Oh,right. Yeah. Romantic dinner, nice bottle of wine, candlelight,patio full of potatolakes. Not real snow. No. I don't want to kill the mood, but you should know what you're sitting in. Here you go. Oh,thanks. Got my curry back. Yep. Time to start cooking. Go to it. I will. But,first... Oh! Aw! Ugh! Ohh! Yuck! What...? That's terrible! What is that taste? Curry. You're reading a book? Yes. And it's a really cool one- Brokeback Mountain. || Huh? It's about cowboys. Men being men. It's so weird,though. I keep catching all these typos. "He kisses her chest. " Hey. Well,it's about time. Yeah,I know. Look,is,uh... is Gina here? I... I thought about what you said, and I want to do the right thing. Ah! That's what I'm talking about. Wow. That really says a lot about you, you know? You're a special guy. What is it with this kid? He's creepy. Go sit on the mantel. Jimmy,what are yo||doing here? Hey,look,come here. I,uh... I came here to tell you that,uh... I want to be a part of this. Look... This is a bear for the baby. And this here's a... this is a videotape about bear attacks, 'cause I don't want our kid walking around thinking the bears are our friends. I'm impressed. Yeah,well,look. I got to tell you. You know,it was... it was a big surprise. But,Gina,I... I never had any intention of not being here for you and seeing this thing through. The bear's shirt says "Go,Greyhound!" Yeah. So I went to the bus station. I came back! Well,I'm glad you did, but you didn't have to. I'm not... I'm not. You're not? Really? What? Are you okay,Mom? Yeah,I'm fine. I was just wrong. How? Well,my cycle usually starts... Ugh! No. No,no. Boo! Well,you're off the hook. Yeah,now... I guess I am. Uh... I hope this, uh... doesn't mean we don't get to keep the bear attack video. Now that you're not pregnant and all, what do you say I take you out tonight and get you freakin' hammered? I'd really like that. Let's go. Hey,you know,Gina, I'm a little disappointed. You know,having a kid with you would have been,uh... would have been really special. Uh... you really mean that? No,Nancy! I'm saying that to get her in the sack! What's the matter with you? Look on the bright side,huh? Jimmy did bring something for his kid. Huh? Here. Thanks. Hey,you know what you need right now? Have a seat. Aw! That's a baby bear. Yeah. Good idea- feed it,hikers. 'Cause when there's a baby bear,there's a mama bear! Oh! Oh,my God! Oh! That's a lot of blood. Oh...! Hey! What? I just wanted to thank you for ruining my dinner last night. What the hell were you doing? I just wanted my curry. And how insensitive are you that you don't even notice that you're ruining my date? How insensitive? Do you want,like,a number? Yes,Joey,I want a number. Well,I'm not going to give you one. Ugh. And what is with the big mess out here anyway,huh? I mean,what is this? Well,it rained last night, so the snow that I g||e you turned into mashed potatoes. Well,are you going to clean it up? You think I should clean this up? This was a gift! Nice gift. Maybe, for your birthday, I'll fill your car with onion rings. What the hell has gotten into you? You are acting crazy lately. Well,you know,I just have this weird thing that sometimes- sometimes- I hate it when people are jerks! Are we doing this? Huh? 'Cause if you're go||g to start thro||ng... Okay! I was holding back, but I played JV softball,so... Oh,my...! You... Guys! Guys! I'm trying to study! What are you? Children? Come on. Ow! Hey! You don't throw stuff at my nephew. You hear me? I throw stuff at my nephew. All right,Joe, don't you make me retaliate. Retaliate! All right. Give me your best shot. I don't want to throw it at you. I may hit you in the eye. || It's dangerous. Here you go. || || You know what? It's stupid. It's stupid. I think that proved my point. What? Nothing. I just... I owe you an apolo||. This was a really thoughtful gift. Thank you. Okay. So then what's wrong with you? All right. Um... The other night,after we talked at my party,I... Oh,that's why you're upset. I'm so sorry. It was your party, and I just dropped all that heavy stuff on you. Oh,Alex,that was okay. No,it wasn't. I thought about it, and you were right. We're better this way- as friends. You really think so? Yeah. I know so. So,then,uh... yeah. So then we're okay. Hey,Alex, you ready to...? Hey,Joey. How are you,man? What's going on? Uh... it's a long story. I'll tell you about it in the car. Bye. so the final virgin of my doll is here, and I think everyone is going to be happy,okay? I went with white head... black torso. All right. Huh? I went with the women's legs because her feet were, unfortunately, closest to my real feet. Well,it says here if you press a button on the back,it talks. ||at's awesome! Agent Ron,what is our status? Mommy,I need to be changed! At least it didn't... Oh,no! I wet myself! Gross! -=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents Previously on Joey: This is bad. You cannot tell her I told you that she's in love with you. - In love with me? You said feelings. - Yeah, she's been totally obsessed with you. - Obsessed? You said love. Jimmy is Michael's father? I drank myself blind and robbed a McDonald's. Just stop playing games. I wanted to be more than friends. It's pretty clear that you don't. If you really wanted to be with her we wouldn't be having this conversation. I'm going over there. Oh, my God, Dean's still over there with Alex. He spent the night. He's wearing the "Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than Woman" T- shirt I loaned her. I just got number four. I can't believe I blew my chance with her. Like, how could she be with Dean, huh? He doesn't deserve her. All he thinks about is sex, you know. Going from girl, to girl, to girl, to girl. He's a total pig. - You know you just described yourself, right? - But he's old. Joey, look, all these things you just said about Dean are good for you. This thing with him and Alex is not gonna last. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And as soon as he's out of the picture, I'm gonna swoop down like a sex vulture tracking down a blond chipmunk. I did it again, that's another great saying. - Joey, Gina? - Hey. Oh, I just had to come by and show you. Your new action figure's come out. Oh, my God. They made an Agent Ron action figure from the movie. Oh, this is so cool. Wow, look at that, that's amazing. It looks just like me, huh? Wow. You know, funny how Ken and Barbie split up right when this guy shows up on the scene, huh? Coincidence? Why, you rascal. Congratulations. It looks great. Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, what's wrong with my arms? Come on, give me a little muscle here. Oh, well, at least they gave me good pecs. I don't think those are pecs, Joey. Agent Ron's got boobies. Maybe they made a mistake at the factory and put your head on the wrong body. Well, you've gotta fix this. Look. Well, don't you worry, I will. But before I make them jump through hoops to change this, I just gotta... I don't have breasts. Sir, there's something up ahead and it's coming this way. It's a giant hermaphrodite. Oh, hey, Dean is leaving my apartment in the morning which some of you might call the "walk of shame. " But I don't feel any shame about it. If everyone's so curious about what happened, then I will tell you. We didn't do anything. And it wasn't for lack of trying. - This guy wanted it bad. - It's true. I was not subtle. Okay, this is fun, let's go. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spent the night and no action. Bet you're dying to get out of here. No, Alex and I are gonna go out to brunch. You struck out at her house, you're not gonna get any for an omelet and some French toast. - French toast? I'll do anything for that. No, listen, Joey. This is gonna sound weird coming from me, but it's not about the sex. I like Alex. I mean, I think I could really like Alex. Shut up. - You can tell me, buddy. Be honest. - No, no, I'm serious, man. - Listen, I better get going. - Can I get a ride? - Where you going? - To brunch with you guys. I can't believe that. He seems like he really likes her. What are you gonna do? I can't do anything for now. Dean is my friend. A dude can't move in on a girl that's with another dude. That's the dude code. - You gotta look out for yourself. - But he really likes her. You know, he even said, "It's not about the sex. " He's talking like a woman. No, no, not you, you're like a guy with boobs. - Like you? - Shut up. I forgot to tell you, Jimmy's back in town. He wants to talk to me. Jimmy? Oh, no. I'm not ready to see him yet. I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell him I'm his son. I should go. Are you gonna take off any time he comes around? No. I'm gonna tell him. It has to be right. I'm just spitballing ideas, but a great time to tell him might be while you make me a sandwich. - Hey, Jimmy, welcome back. - Hey, Joe, how you doing? - Good. - Michael. I've really missed you, man. Hey, look, if I gave you some signal that made you think I wanted this, I'm sorry. You know, we never have to apologize to each other. - So, the kid, what's the upside here? - He's cool. He's cool. - You want something to drink? - Yeah. So, what's up? It's Gina, man, you know? I figured now that I'm back, we could really reconnect. But she won't return any of my calls or nothing. I had this job offer out of town, came back just to be near her. I don't think the Army counts as a job offer. What do you know, all right? The recruiting guy really liked my ideas. - Jimmy, what the hell are you doing here? - Why won't you call me back? Because I don't wanna talk to you. You disgust me. - Oh, yeah? I disgust you, huh? - Yeah, you make me sick. - Make more saliva. You're gross. - Yeah, maybe your mouth is too dry, huh? Stop calling me. - You see? - Yeah, yeah, you're a couple of sickos. Yeah, it's a thing of beauty. Come on, man, I'm going crazy. You gotta help me out. - Okay, I'll talk to her. - All right. Thanks, I owe you one. - No problem. - Hey, Jimmy. You wanna have a catch? - What? No... Hey. He got me again. - Yeah. Oh, hey, do you have any curry? I'm cooking dinner for Dean tonight. Sure. Yeah, it's right over there. Thanks. So, you and Dean, huh? Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that. Is that weird, him being your friend and everything? Weird? No, I think it's awesome. In fact, you know what will make it a really romantic dinner? There's still snow on the patio, have it out there. Okay, that's a nice idea. That'll be fun. Thank you. Yeah, okay. Stupid Dean. That curry should be giving me diarrhea, not him. - Hey. - Hey, Zach, you know how dudes have a code about not moving in on another dude's girl? - Oh, absolutely. - Yeah, are there any loopholes to that rule? None that I can think of. So there's no way that it'd be okay for me to move in on a friend's girl, huh? Wait a second, are you sleeping with my wife? - What? What wife? - How did you even meet Sun-Yung? I don't care if it was a green card thing you find yourself another woman. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Zach. I am not sleeping with your wife. I wouldn't do that to you. - This was outside for you. - This must be the new action figure. This is gonna be so cool, huh? Great. What are you talking about? The doll is black. Oh, is it? I don't really notice that kind of thing. Joey. Something horrible has happened with the doll. Oh, hi, Zach, I didn't notice you there. Something horrible has happened with the doll. Bobbie, don't these things go out in two days? - Yes. - You gotta fix this. This is terrible. Oh, I wish I spoke Korean. But I don't think the people at the factory understood me. Hey, I'll call my wife. - Hey. - Hey, Mom. What's going on? Why'd you guys want to meet me? - Jimmy's coming. I think you should talk. - Joey. Gina, no, no, look, you gotta give him a chance. He's a really good guy and he's Michael's dad. - Why are you being so weird around him? - I'm not. Everything's normal. - Can I get you anything? - Ginger ale. Oh, my God, you're pregnant. - What are you talking about? - You've never ordered ginger ale before ever in your life. That is not true. I order ginger ale all the time. - What color is it? - Okay, fine. I'm pregnant. - Oh, my God. - Gina, this is huge. Are you okay? I mean, are you happy about it? Yeah, I'm happy, I guess. I'm just a little freaked out. I'm gonna have a sibling. Michael, decide which beer you're gonna have later, okay? Your mom is having a baby. And the dad, is? Jimmy. Again. Gina, don't beat yourself up. Anyone can get pregnant accidentally by the same guy twice. I can't believe I'm gonna be a single mother again. Look, we are gonna do this together, okay? And this could be a good thing. Wow, you're gonna be a mom. And I'm finally gonna be an uncle. - Hey. - Of a real boy. So, wait, I don't understand. - Why are you avoiding him? - I haven't figured out how to tell him yet. I wanna do it right, I don't wanna freak him out. - Hi, guys. How you doing? - Hey, good. Here, sit down. - Your ginger ale. - Oh, my God, you're pregnant. Are you serious? Oh, my God. I can't take this, my life is over. Hey, Jimmy, calm down, relax. Come on, let's have a beer. Can we get three siblings? Hey, Gina told me you were working here. Look, we need to talk. Joey, I got nothing to say. I know it's shocking to find out that you're going to be a father but you can't just not deal with it. And I gotta tell you, I think you'd be great at it. Oh, it ain't that, man, you know, I know I'm great with kids. - Sir, do you work here? - No, I'm wearing this just for fun. Good luck reading the book, you dummy. - It's a lot of responsibility, you know? - Hey, did you just yell at my son? I'm sorry if my friend scared your kid. That was totally inappropriate. Hey, let me see your doll for a second. That's what a dude's chest should look like. You like that, right? Look, Jimmy, you gotta step up here. You need to show Gina that you're gonna be there for her. I don't know if I can. Well, you'd better figure out how to, okay? Otherwise I'm gonna come back and beat you senseless with this copy of Brokeback Mountain. Hey, this is about cowboys. You know what? I'm gonna buy this. - Hello? - Joey, I have some bad news. They don't have enough time to change the dolls. So, what would you rather be? Black or a woman? I don't know. I'll get back to you. - Listen, Zach. - Hey. - Hey. - Can I grab something? Yeah, sure. Okay, so I guess there's no time for them to switch the dolls so I have to choose which I want to be. Oh, easy, you'd definitely rather be black than a girl. - Yeah, maybe. - Is there something wrong with being a woman? - Well, no. What are you saying? You'd rather have a sex-change operation than look like me? Operation? No matter what I do, I'm gonna have a smooth bump in the front. Well, whichever you choose, it will make less money than he would as a white man. - What? - My doll's not gonna have a job. - Because of people like you. My God. Look at them out there. I can't take this anymore. Joey, just tell her you have feelings for her. Forget the stupid guy code. Oh, sure, yeah, let's just throw out the code. What's next, huh? Hos before bros, huh? The guy who calls, "Shotgun," sits in the back seat, huh? He who smelt it didn't dealt it? Lt'd be chaos. I think I'm just gonna go out here and get in the way of their date. - That's okay under the guy code? - It is, historically, a gray area. - Hey, guys. - Hey. Listen, I'm cooking something in there and I need my curry back. - Right now? - Yeah. I could blow that off and just join you guys, but I got a hankering for curry. - I'll be right back. - Okay. - Hey. - Hey. I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Well, yeah. We're on a date. Oh, right. Yeah, romantic dinner. Nice bottle of wine, candlelight, patio full of potato flakes. Not real snow. No. I don't want to kill the mood, but you should know. - Here you go. - Oh, thanks. - Got my curry back. - Yep. - Time to start cooking. - Go to it. I will. But first... - What? That's terrible. What is that taste? - Curry. You're reading a book? Yes. It's a really cool one. Brokeback Mountain. It's about cowboys, men being men. It's so weird though, I keep catching these typos. He kisses her chest. Hey. Well, it's about time. Yeah, I know. Look, is Gina here? I thought about what you said. And I want to do the right thing. - That's what I'm talking about. - That really says a lot about you. You know? You're a special guy. What is it with this kid? He's creepy. Go sit on the mantel. Jimmy, what are you doing here? Hey, look, come here. I came here to tell you that I wanna be a part of this. This is a bear for the baby. And this here's a video tape about bear attacks because I don't want our kid thinking bears are our friends. I'm impressed. Yeah, well, look, I gotta tell you, you know it was a big surprise, but Gina I never had any intention of not being here for you and seeing this thing through. - The bear's shirt says "Go Greyhound. " - So I went to the bus station. I came back. Well, I'm glad you did. But you didn't have to. I'm not... - I'm not. - You're not? - Really? - Are you okay, Mom? - Yeah, I'm fine. I was just wrong. - How? - Well, my cycle usually starts... - Hey, I don't care. You're off the hook. Yeah, no. I guess I am. I hope this doesn't mean we don't get to keep the bear attack video. What do you say I take you out tonight and get you freaking hammered? I'd really like that. Let's go. Hey, you know, Gina. I'm a little disappointed. You know having a kid with you would have been really special. - You really mean that? - No, Nancy. I'm saying that to get her in the sack. What's the matter with you? Look on the bright side, huh? Jimmy did bring something for his kid. - Here. - Thanks. Hey, you know what you need right now? Have a seat. There's a baby bear. Yeah. Good idea, feed it, hikers. Because when there's a baby bear, there's a mama bear. That's a lot of blood. - Hey. - What? I wanted to thank you for ruining my dinner. What the hell were you doing? - I just wanted my curry. - And how insensitive are you that you don't notice that you're ruining my date? How insensitive? What, you want, like, a number? - Yes, Joey, I want a number. - Well, I'm not gonna give you one. And what is with the big mess out here anyway, huh? I mean, what is this? It rained last night, so the snow that I gave you turned into mashed potatoes. - Well, are you gonna clean it up? You think I should clean this up? This was a gift. Oh, nice gift. Maybe for your birthday I'll fill your car with onion rings. What the hell has gotten into you? You are acting crazy lately. Well, I just have this weird thing that sometimes I hate it when people are jerks. Are we doing this? Because if you're gonna start throwing... Okay. I was holding back, but I played JV softball so... Oh, my... Hey, guys. Guys, I'm trying to study. What are you, children? Come on. Hey, you don't throw stuff at my nephew. You hear me? I throw stuff at my nephew. All right, Joe, don't you make me retaliate. - All right. - Give me your best shot. I don't want to throw it at you. - It's dangerous. - Oh, here you go. You know what? It's stupid. Stupid. I think that proved my point. What? Nothing. I just... I owe you an apology. This was a really thoughtful gift, thank you. Okay. So then, what's wrong with you? All right. The other night, after we talked at my party... Oh, that's why you're upset. I'm so sorry. It was your party, and I just dropped all that heavy stuff on you. - No, Alex, that was okay. - No, it wasn't. I thought about it and you were right. We're better this way, as friends. You really think so? Yeah. I know so. So then... Yeah, so then we're okay. Hey, Alex, you ready...? Hey, Joey, how are you, man? - What's going on? - It's a long story. I'll tell you about it in the car. Bye. So the final version of my doll is here and I think everyone is gonna be happy, okay? - I went with white head, black torso. - All right. I went with the woman's legs because her feet were, unfortunately closest to my real feet. It says if you press a button on the back, it talks. Awesome. Agent Ron, what is our status? Mommy, I need to be changed. Well, at least it didn't... Oh, no! I wet myself! Gross. Previously on Joey: This is bad. You cannot tell her I told you... -... thatshe'sin lovewithyou. -In love with me? You said feelings. -She's been totally obsessed with you. -Obsessed? You said love. Jimmy is Michael's father? I drank myself blind and robbed a McDonald's. Just stop playing games. I wanted to be more than friends. It's pretty clear that you don't. If you really wanted to be with her... ... wewouldn'tbe having this conversation. I'm going over there. Oh, my God, Dean's still over there with Alex. He spent the night. He's wearing the "Ten Reasons... ... BeerIsBetterThanWomen" T-shirt I loaned her. I just got number four. I can't believe I blew my chance with her. Like, how could she be with Dean, huh? He doesn't deserve her. All he thinks about is sex, you know. Going from girl to girl to girl to girl. He's a total pig. -You know you just described yourself? -But he's old. Joey, look, all these things you just said about Dean are good for you. This thing with him and Alex is not gonna last. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And as soon as he's out of the picture, I'm gonna swoop down like a... ... sexvulturetrackingdown a blond chipmunk. I did it again, that's another great saying. -Joey, Gina? -Hey. Oh, I just had to come by and show you. Your new action figure's come out. Oh, my God. They made an Agent Ron action figure from the movie. Oh, this is so cool. Wow, look at that, that's amazing. It looks just like me, huh? Wow. You know, funny how Ken and Barbie split up... ... rightwhenthisguy showsup on the scene, huh? Coincidence? Why, you rascal. Congratulations. It looks great. Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, what's wrong with my arms? Come on, give me a little muscle here. Oh, well, at least they gave me good pecs. I don't think those are pecs, Joey. Agent Ron's got boobies. Maybe they made a mistake at the factory... ... andputyourhead on the wrong body. Well, you've gotta fix this. Look. Well, don't you worry, I will. But before I make them jump through hoops to change this, I just gotta-- I don't have breasts. Sir, there's something up ahead... ... andit'scomingthisway. It's a giant hermaphrodite. Oh, hey, Dean is leaving my apartment in the morning... ... whichsomeof youmightcall the "walk of shame. " But I don't feel any shame about it. If everyone's so curious about what happened, then I will tell you. We didn't do anything. And it wasn't for lack of trying. -This guy wanted it bad. -It's true. I was not subtle. Okay, this is fun, let's go. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spent the night and no action. Bet you're dying to get out of here. No, Alex and I are gonna go out to brunch. You struck out at her house, you're not gonna get any... -... foranomeletand someFrenchtoast . -French toast? I'll do anything for that. No, listen, Joey. This is gonna sound weird coming from me, but it's not about the sex. I like Alex. I mean, I think I could really like Alex. Shut up. -You can tell me, buddy. Be honest. -No, no, I'm serious, man. -Listen, I better get going. -Can I get a ride? -Where you going? -To brunch with you guys. I can't believe that. He seems like he really likes her. What are you gonna do? I can't do anything for now. Dean is my friend. A dude can't move in on a girl that's with another dude. That's the dude code. -You gotta look out for yourself. -But he really likes her. You know, he even said, "It's not about the sex. " He's talking like a woman. No, no, not you, you're like a guy with boobs. -Like you? -Shut up. I forgot to tell you, Jimmy's back in town. He wants to talk to me. Jimmy? Oh, no. I'm not ready to see him yet. I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell him I'm his son. I should go. Are you gonna take off any time he comes around? No. I'm gonna tell him. It has to be right. I'm just spitballing ideas, but a great time to tell him... ... mightbewhileyou make me a sandwich. -Hey, Jimmy, welcome back. -Hey, Joe, how you doing? -Good. -Michael. I've really missed you, man. Hey, look, if I gave you some signal that made you think I wanted this, I'm sorry. You know, we never have to apologize to each other. -So the kid, what's the upside here? -He's cool. He's cool. -You want something to drink? -Yeah. So, what's up? It's Gina, man, you know? I figured now that I'm back, we could really reconnect. But she won't return any of my calls or nothing. I had this job offer out of town, came back just to be near her. I don't think the Army counts as a job offer. What do you know, all right? The recruiting guy really liked my ideas. -Jimmy, what are you doing here? -Why won't you call me back? Because I don't wanna talk to you. You disgust me. -Oh, yeah? I disgust you, huh? -Yeah, you make me sick. -Make more saliva. You're gross. -Maybe your mouth is too dry, huh? Stop calling me. -You see? -Yeah, yeah, you're a couple of sickos. Yeah, it's a thing of beauty. come on, man, I'm going crazy. You gotta help me out. -Okay, I'll talk to her. -All right. Thanks, I owe you one. -No problem. -Hey, Jimmy. You wanna have a catch? -What? No- - Hey. He got me again. -Yeah. Oh, hey, do you have any curry? I'm cooking dinner for Dean tonight. Sure. Yeah, it's right over there. Thanks. So, you and Dean, huh? Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that. Is that weird, him being your friend and everything? Weird? No, I think it's awesome. In fact, you know what will make it a really romantic dinner? There's still snow on the patio, have it out there. Okay, that's a nice idea. That'll be fun. Thank you. Yeah, okay. Stupid Dean. That curry should be giving me diarrhea, not him. -Hey. -Zach, you know how dudes have... ... acodeaboutnot movingin on another dude's girl? -Oh, absolutely. -Are there any loopholes to that rule? None that I can think of. So there's no way that it'd be okay for me to move in on a friend's girl, huh? Wait a second, are you sleeping with my wife? -What? What wife? -How did you even meet Sun-Yung? I don't care if it was a green card thing... -... youfindyourselfanotherwoman. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, Zach. I am not sleeping with your wife. I wouldn't do that to you. -This was outside for you. -This must be the new action figure. This is gonna be so cool, huh? Great. What are you talking about? The doll is black. Oh, is it? I don't really notice that kind of thing. Joey. Something horrible has happened with the doll. Oh, hi, Zach, I didn't notice you there. Something horrible has happened with the doll. Bobbie, don't these things go out in two days? -Yes. -You gotta fix this. This is terrible. Oh, I wish I spoke Korean. But I don't think the people at the factory understood me. Hey, I'll call my wife. -Hey. -Hey, Mom. What's going on? Why'd you guys want to meet me? -Jimmy's coming. I think you should talk. -Joey. Gina, no, no, look, you gotta give him a chance. He's a really good guy and he's Michael's dad. -Why are you being so weird around him? -I'm not. Everything's normal. -Can I get you anything? -Ginger ale. Oh, my God, you're pregnant. -What are you talking about? -You've never ordered... ... gingeralebefore ever in your life. That is not true. I order ginger ale all the time. -What color is it? -Okay, fine. I'm pregnant. -Oh, my God. -Gina, this is huge. Are you okay? I mean, are you happy about it? Yeah, I'm happy, I guess. I'm just a little freaked out. I'm gonna have a sibling. Michael, decide which beer you're gonna have later, okay? Your mom is having a baby. And the dad is... ? Jimmy. Again. Gina, don't beat yourself up. Anyone can get pregnant accidentally by the same guy twice. I can't believe I'm gonna be a single mother again. Look, we are gonna do this together, okay? And this could be a good thing. Wow, you're gonna be a mom. And I'm finally gonna be an uncle. -Hey. -Of a real boy. So, wait, I don't understand. -Why are you avoiding him? -I haven't figured out how to tell him yet. I wanna do it right, I don't wanna freak him out. -Hi, guys. How you doing? -Hey, good. Here, sit down. -Your ginger ale. -Oh, my God, you're pregnant. Are you serious? Oh, my God. I can't take this, my life is over. Hey, Jimmy, calm down, relax. come on, let's have a beer. Can we get three siblings? Gina told me you were working here. Look, we need to talk. Joey, I got nothing to say. I know it's shocking to find out that you're going to be a father... ... butyoucan'tjustnotdealwithit . And I gotta tell you, I think you'd be great at it. Oh, it ain't that, man, you know, I know I'm great with kids. -Sir, do you work here? -No, I'm wearing this just for fun. Good luck reading the book, you dummy. -It's a lot of responsibility, you know? -Hey, did you just yell at my son? I'm sorry if my friend scared your kid. That was totally inappropriate. Hey, let me see your doll for a second. That's what a dude's chest should look like. You like that, right? Look, Jimmy, you gotta step up here. You need to show Gina that you're gonna be there for her. I don't know if I can. Well, you'd better figure out how to, okay? Otherwise I'm gonna come back and beat you senseless... ... withthiscopyof Brokeback Mountain. Hey, this is about cowboys. You know what? I'm gonna buy this. -Hello? -Joey, I have some bad news. They don't have enough time to change the dolls. So, what would you rather be? Black or a woman? I don't know. I'll get back to you. -Listen, Zach. -Hey. -Hey. -Can I grab something? Yeah, sure. Okay, so I guess there's no time... ... forthemto switchthe dolls so I have to choose which I want to be. Oh, easy, you'd definitely rather be black than a girl. -Yeah, maybe. -Is there something wrong... -... withbeingawoman? -Well, no. Are you saying? You'd rather have a sex-change operation than look like me? Operation? No matter what I do, I'm gonna have a smooth bump in the front. Well, whichever you choose, it will make less money... -... thanhewouldasa whiteman. -What? -My doll's not gonna have a job. -Because of people like you. My God. Look at them out there. I can't take this anymore. Joey, just tell her you have feelings for her. Forget the stupid guy code. Oh, sure, yeah, let's just throw out the code. What's next, huh? Hos before bros, huh? The guy who calls "Shotgun," sits in the back seat, huh? He who smelt it didn't dealt it? It'd be chaos. I think I'm just gonna go out here and get in the way of their date. -That's okay under the guy code? -It is, historically, a gray area. -Hey, guys. -Hey. Listen, I'm cooking something in there and I need my curry back. -Right now? -Yeah. I could blow that off and just join you guys, but I got a hankering for curry. -I'll be right back. -Okay. -Hey. -Hey. I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Well, yeah. We're on a date. Oh, right. Yeah, romantic dinner. Nice bottle of wine, candlelight, patio full of potato flakes. Not real snow. No. I don't want to kill the mood, but you should know. -Here you go. -Oh, thanks. -Got my curry back. -Yep. -Time to start cooking. -Go to it. I will. But first... . -That's terrible. What is that taste? -Curry. You're reading a book? Yes. It's a really cool one. Brokeback Mountain. It's about cowboys, men being men. It's so weird though, I keep catching these typos. He kisses her chest. Hey. Well, it's about time. Yeah, I know. Look, is Gina here? I thought about what you said. And I want to do the right thing. -That's what I'm talking about. -That really says a lot about you. You're a special guy. What is it with this kid? He's creepy. Go sit on the mantel. Jimmy, what are you doing here? Hey, look, come here. I came here to tell you that I wanna be a part of this. This is a bear for the baby. And this here's a video tape about bear attacks... ... becauseI don'twantour kid thinking bears are our friends. I'm impressed. Yeah, well, look, I gotta tell you, you know... ... itwasabig surprise, but Gina, I never had any intention... ... ofnotbeinghereforyou and seeing this thing through. -The bear's shirt says "Go Greyhound. " -I went to the bus station. I came back! Well, I'm glad you did, but you didn't have to. I'm not... . -I'm not. -You're not? -Really? -Are you okay, Mom? -Yeah, I'm fine. I was just wrong. -How? -Well, my cycle usually starts-- -Hey, I don't care. You're off the hook. Yeah, no. I guess I am. I hope this doesn't mean we don't get to keep the bear attack video. What do you say I take you out tonight and get you freaking hammered? I'd really like that. Let's go. Hey, you know, Gina, I'm a little disappointed. You know having a kid with you would have been really special. -You really mean that? -No, Nancy. I'm saying that to get her in the sack. What's the matter with you? Look on the bright side, huh? Jimmy did bring something for his kid. -Here. -Thanks. Hey, you know what you need right now? Have a seat. There's a baby bear. Yeah. Good idea, feed it, hikers. Because when there's a baby bear, there's a mama bear. That's a lot of blood. -Hey. -What? I wanted to thank you for ruining my dinner. What the hell were you doing? -I just wanted my curry. -And how insensitive are you... ... thatyoudon'tnotice that you're ruining my date? How insensitive? What, you want, like, a number? -Yes, Joey, I want a number. -Well, I'm not gonna give you one. And what is with the big mess out here anyway, huh? I mean, what is this? It rained last night, so the snow that I gave you... -... turnedintomashedpotatoes. -Well, are you gonna clean it up? You think I should clean this up? This was a gift. Oh, nice gift. Maybe for your birthday I'll fill your car with onion rings. What the hell has gotten into you? You are acting crazy lately. Well, I just have this weird thing that sometimes I hate it... ... whenpeoplearejerks. Are we doing this? Because if you're gonna start throwing-- Okay. I was holding back, but I played JV softball so... . Oh, my-- Hey, guys. Guys, I'm trying to study. What are you, children? Come on. Hey, you don't throw stuff at my nephew. You hear me? I throw stuff at my nephew. All right, Joe, don't you make me retaliate. -All right. -Give me your best shot. I don't want to throw it at you. -It's dangerous. -Oh, here you go. You know what? It's stupid. Stupid. I think that proved my point. What? Nothing. I just... . I owe you an apology. This was a really thoughtful gift, thank you. Okay. So then, what's wrong with you? All right. The other night, after we talked at my party-- Oh, that's why you're upset. I'm so sorry. It was your party, and I just dropped all that heavy stuff on you. -No, Alex, that was okay. -No, it wasn't. I thought about it and you were right. We're better this way, as friends. You really think so? Yeah. I know so. So then... . Yeah,so thenwe'reokay . Hey, Alex, you ready--? Hey, Joey, how are you, man? -What's going on? -It's a long story. I'll tell you about it in the car. Bye. So the final version of my doll is here... ... andI thinkeveryone is gonna be happy, okay? -I went with white head, black torso. -All right. I went with the woman's legs because her feet were, unfortunately... ... closesttomy realfeet. It says if you press a button on the back, it talks. Awesome. Agent Ron, what is our status? Mommy, I need to be changed. Well, at least it didn't-- Oh, no! I wet myself! Gross. Subtitles by SDI Media Group [ENGLISH] (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) That's where the Twin Towers were. We should go see it. (BIRDS TWITTERING) You guys speak English? (ITALIAN ACCENT) Not some too much. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) The address is in the bag. 134 Deweunter Terrace, Brooklyn That's in New York. There's a map. Dump it all after you memorize it. The man you're gonna pop' is very cautious, usually has protection. Guy with a long horse face, in good shape. The fish have been cleaned. You can drop them where you do it. Where'd you learn to speak Italian? I came over with my parents when I was two. You were born in Italy? Where? (CHATTERING) (CLINKS GLASS) I just wanna say it's been a while since we opened the books and in regards to you guys... Burt, Gerry... as a man of few words, I... Not few enough, though, huh? New blood. - New blood. - Salut. Sure, we break some balls here tonight, but I go way back. And in light of recent humiliations, it's a honor to be joined by men and not faggot-ass corn-holing cocksuckers like married my cousin. - He should fuckin' die! - Phil, relax. - Whoa whoa whoa, Phil. - Take it easy. Phil, you know the wine makes you emotional. Because I got an empty fuckin' stomach. - So have a breadstick. - 45 minutes for some grilled eggplant? Jesus Christ, is there nothing without this complaining? You didn't notice? Artie's game is a little off lately. Well, Carmela sent her branzino back Sunday night, but she loves to do that. Gentlemen, how's everything so far? - Fantastic. - Delicious. The delay... a thousand pardons. I'm breaking in a new guy on the line. You seem set for antipasto. I gotta be honest... new guy in the kitchen aside, I mean, how come we're waiting? It seems empty out there. (CHUCKLES) People like to get in that last barbecue. Artie, you been to this "Da Giovanni" up by Troy Hills? - No, I haven't been. - Supposed to be incredible. - He's a kid, right? - I hate fish, but his, with the agrodolce... I'll check it out. - Ah, buon appetito. - About time. (ALL MUTTERING) Fuckin' Phil. Some display, huh? Paid a visit to Vito's goomar, Jill. She still hasn't heard from Vito. We were just discussin' "La Cage aux Fat." (ALL CHUCKLE) I was gonna get my cousin Tommy to call his detective friend. I've been hamstrung with that work stoppage at the office park. Vito shows up... he shows up, then we deal with him. If not... It's just a phone call. And seriously, Tommy says the guy can track somebody from the corn in his shit. Yeah, I saw them do that on "CSI." (ALL CHUCKLE) - Good night. - Bye, Sack. - Bye now. - Good night, kid. Hey, I was glad to hear you say that about the search, 'cause I gotta take a little time off for some business in Cali. Little Carmine's lined up a meet in L.A. for us. So, what is it, business or time off? Time off from here, but definite business. With Ben Kingsley, Ton'. So you're gonna go get an autograph on the weekend of the Notre Dame-Michigan game? I got my guys all over it. Little Carmine says if we attach Ben Kingsley, the picture's a go. Little Carmine? It's common knowledge the guy's retarded. I don't get it. You agreed to this in the hospital. Christopher, I was in a coma. Okay, fine. I'll call Little Carmine, call the airline, cancel. I'll probably still reach someone. What am I gonna do with you? Make a lot of money. All right. What the fuck is this idiot doing? (HONKS HORN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) No speak English. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) ...Brooklyn. Ho, pal. Move your car. We're late. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Move el automobile. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Rusty! Don't forget to call Marissa. (SPEAKS ITALIAN) Hurry up. Let me see. - Museum... - Eastern Parkway. Eastern Parkway, not the Belt Parkway. (SHELLS CLINK) (BIRDS TWITTERING) So I'm trying to eject the DVD and the kids are freaking, - "What's wrong with that lady, Daddy?" - (MAN CHUCKLING) - And Carrie says... - How's the scaloppine? Uh, it's delicious. Thanks. It all depends on slicing the veal very thin. My way... I like to chill it down a degree or two and then I pull a straight razor right across it. Your father could cook. He told me when you were in here last. 75th birthday, right? - In the navy. - What's that? - (MUFFLED) - In the navy, he cooked. Terrific guy. Great head of hair. - You enjoy. - Mmm. Save room. I'll be back with dessert specials. Ho, Benny, Moe and Jack. How's the bruschett'? You got a quorum. Let me get you a table. You guys go ahead. I'm gonna stay right here. My best customer, but he's nailed to this fuckin' spot. It's either the wine or the view. Such a sweet kid. You know, she told Charmaine that back in Albania her whole family got blown up waiting on line for an oil change. The shit she's been through, we just had to help. I even called in a favor with my cousin in Manhattan, got her a working visa, started on the green card. Martina, come do some hosting. - Hi. - Hi. What's up? This is your cheering section over here. - Hello, Benny. - You got the reservations squared away? It's very few right now. Football season. I could watch her walk away all night. Good, 'cause like most girls with you, that's what she's gonna do. Ah, to be young and single again like these two, - huh, Benito? - Ahh. - (DISHES CLATTERING) - (PEOPLE CHATTERING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) I can put the credit card numbers on actual plastic for an extra five bills. We do Internet strictly. Mmm, the gnocchi! I'll take your word. It's a little too rich for my stomach. It's okay. Just a bite. I think it's a lamb ragu with just a scoop of cold rigott'. Holy shit. It's all so fresh. That fish with pistachios? I feel like a traitor. Vesuvio, lately, it's depressing somehow. Maybe they need to remodel or something. I don't know. That menu is so tired. - Hey, Homo Junior! - Leave me the fuck alone! Get... stop it! Mom, they're hurting Vito! - Stop it! - Where are your parents? I guess she can't hide her face at home. It'd be like admitting there was something wrong. I should have brought a pair of sweatpants to change into. I'm gonna explode. Apparently, there is still a veal loin yet to be unveiled. Please, don't get up. - Congratulations. - Thank you. That kid, I'm tellin' you... Thank you. ...he was so handsome in that church. The name he took, "Francis"... after my pop. No restaurants in Brooklyn? You gotta come all the way to Jersey? This food... it's worth a detour. Why? Is there a problem? Artie's a friend of mine, you know? I like to throw him some business. Talk to you a minute? Visited with John. He said to tell you he appreciates the recent headlines. Rusty. I don't know what you're talkin' about. I turned him down on that. Madonn', you're a cautious man. You know, some people might feel a little offended. Me... my heart is an open book. Anyway, Rusty's gone and we'll chalk it up to the headless horseman. - Giovanni. - (PATRONS CLAPPING) Bravo! (MOTOWN MUSIC PLAYING) (WHISPERING) Martina was just tellin' me that in Montenegro I'd be the tallest guy. Another fun fact from the Balkans. Ben, are you up for dessert? No, I'm all set here. Thanks. Martina, sweetheart, can I talk to you for a second? What is it, Artie? You're looking at me very serious. You remember I had that friend in Manhattan that was gonna help speed you through the green card process? Apparently, it's not happening. - Why? - Too much on his plate, he said. I guess you're just gonna have to do it yourself. I'm sorry. All those forms. Shit me. I wish I could help you, but really, it's a small inconvenience compared to living in freedom, right? Yes, I know this. Get him another 'buca. (SLOW ROCK N' ROLL PLAYING) Hey, Tony. You could fuck her, you know? Well... I'm not 100% in that department, but I'm startin' to feel the old pressure. It's funny, 'cause guys like me, we come here, we get drunk and stare. Best-case scenario, we go in the back room, we get a lap dance a dry hump and pfft... blow in our pants. Listen, you wanna fuck her so bad, I'm sure it could be worked out. Nah, I couldn't. But you... Well, what do you want me to say? Nothing. It's just a fact. If I knew you were gonna be in such a pissy mood... Gabriella Dante and Rosalie Aprile came in for lunch yesterday. So what, you wanna fuck one of them now? No. Gab said you all went and had a meal at Da Giovanni on Sunday. Well, I was gonna tell you. Lawrence Robertson. Richest man in the world. I've seen you on television. -Can I offer you coffee? -Sure, why not. It's free, right? I don't think anyone saw this coming. You know, I should have, I suppose. I knew him 20 years. Alfred practically invented robotics. He wrote the Three Laws. But I guess brilliant people often have the most persuasive demons. -So whatever I can do to help-- -Sugar. -I'm sorry? -For the coffee. Sugar? You thought I was calling you "sugar." You're not that rich. -It's on the table. -Thank you. When Lanning fell, he was holding the little green...? -The holographic projector. -Right. Why do you think Lanning's hologram would've called me? -I assumed you knew him. -Yeah. I knew him. Holograms are just prerecorded responses designed to give the impression of intelligence. This one was programmed to call you upon his suicide. -Death. -I'm sorry? It was programmed to call me in the event of Lanning's death. Suicide is a type of death, detective. -Don't misunderstand my impatience. -Oh, no. Go. Go. A really big week for you folks around here. You gotta put a robot in every home. Look, this is not what I do, but I got an idea for one of your commercials. You could see a carpenter making a beautiful chair. Then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair twice as fast. Then you superimpose on the screen, " USR: Shitting on the little guy." That would be the fade-out. Yeah, I see. I suppose your father lost his job to a robot. Maybe you'd have banned the lnternet to keep the libraries open. Prejudice never shows much reason. No, you know, I suspect you simply don't like their kind. Well, you got a business to run around here. The last thing you need, especially this week, is a dead guy in your lobby. But, hell, seeing as how you got one, maybe I'll look around. Ask a few questions. Do the whole "cop" thing. -I'll send someone to escort you. -Thank you very much. Lawrence told me to accommodate you in any way possible. Really? Okay. I reviewed Dr. Lanning's psych profile. Alfred had become a recluse. He rejected human contact for machines. So you're a shrink, huh? My ex-wife would sure be glad I'm talking to you. You don't know her, do you? I'm sorry. Are you being funny? I guess not. level 10. So would you say that Dr. Lanning was suicidal? It would seem the answer to that is apparent. That's not what I asked you. No. I wouldn't have thought so. But obviously I was wrong. That's a long way down. You people sure do clean up quickly around here. I can't blame you. Who wants some old guy going bad in the lobby? He was not "some old guy." Alfred Lanning was everything here. We are on the eve of the largest robotic distribution in history. By Saturday, it'll be one robot to every five humans. These robots are the realization of a dream. Dr. Lanning's dream. You know what, in that dream of his I bet you he wasn't dead. -You keep 24-hour surveillance? -Obviously. Company policy. -Where are the feeds? -Sensor strips. Everywhere but the service areas. They link to our positronic operating core. Thermostat wasn't good enough. You gave the building a brain. She was actually Lanning's first creation. She? That's a she? I definitely need to get out more. Virtual Interactive Kinetic lntelligence. V.I.K.I. Good day. V.I.K.I. designed Chicago's protective systems. I have decreased traffic fatalities by 9 percent this year. Thanks. Show me inside the lab from one minute prior to the window break. Apologies. There appears to be data corruption. Show me outside the lab from the window break until now. Look, you have great posture. You stand really straight. I'm slouching. -Would you like to go inside now? -Oh, sure. Right after you. Authorized entry. So, Dr. Calvin, what exactly do you do around here? My general fields are advanced robotics and psychiatry. I specialize in hardware-to-wetware interfaces to advance USR's robotic anthropomorphization program. So, what exactly do you do around here? I make the robots seem more human. -Now, wasn't that easier to say? -Not really. No. "Hansel and Gretel." -ls that on the USR reading list? -Not precisely. What in God's name are you doing? Did you know that was safety glass? Be difficult for an old man to throw himself through that. Well, he figured out a way. Detective, the room was security locked. No one came or went. You saw that yourself. Doesn't that mean this has to be suicide? Yep. Unless the killer's still in here. You're joking, right? This is ridiculous. Yeah, I know. The Three Laws, your perfect circle of protection. A robot cannot harm a human being. The first law of robotics. Yes, I've seen your commercials. But the second law states a robot must obey any order given by a human being. What if it was told to kill? Impossible. It would conflict with the first law. Right, but the third law states a robot can defend itself. Only when that action does not conflict with the first or second laws. You know what they say, laws are made to be broken. No, not these laws. They're hardwired into every robot. A robot could no more commit murder than a human could walk on water. You know, there was this one guy a long time ago. -Stay back! -Calm down, detective. The only thing dangerous in this room is you. Deactivate. Look, it's fine. You're looking at the result of clever programming. An imitation of free will. Let's do an imitation of protecting our asses. Don't be absurd. You were startled by a jack-in-the-box. -Deactivate! -Let him go. It's not going to hurt us. I gave you an order! -He's not listening right now, lady. -V.I.K.I., seal the lab! No, V.I.K.I., leave the-- Command confirmed. Police! -You've hurt it. Badly. -Where's it going? -Where? ! -lt needs to repair itself. -John, I need backup. -You don't need backup. That's nobody. -What are you doing? -Driving. -By hand? -Do you see me on the phone? -Not at these speeds. -John, please, just send the backup. Try to listen, detective. That robot is not going to harm us. There must have been unknown factors but somehow acting as it did kept us out of harm. -A robot cannot endanger a human. -Alert. Asshole! Which is more than I can say for you. It was a left, by the way. Back there. You must know my ex-wife. So where is everybody? This facility was designed, built and is operated mechanically. No significant human presence from inception to production. -So robots building robots. -Authorization code, please. That's just stupid. I'll get the inventory specs. Our daily finishing capacity is 1 000 NS-5s. I'm showing 1 001. Attention, NS-5s. Well, you're the robot shrink. There is a robot in this formation that does not belong. Identify it. One of us. -Which one? -One of us. How much did you say these cost? These NS-5s haven't been configured. They're just hardware. Basic Three Laws operating system. That's it. They don't know any better. Well, what would you suggest? Interview each one, cross-reference their responses to detect anomalies. -How long would that take? -About three weeks. Okay. Go ahead and get started. Robots you will not move. Confirm command. Command confirmed. Detective, what are you doing? They're programmed with the Three Laws. We have 1 000 robots that won't protect themselves if it violates a human's order and I'm betting, one who will. -Put your gun down. -Why do you give them faces? Try to friendly them up, make them look human. These robots cannot be intimidated. -lf you didn't, we wouldn't trust them. -These are USR property. Not me. These things are just lights and clockwork. Are you crazy? ! Let me ask you something, doc. Does thinking you're the last sane man on earth make you crazy? Because if it does, maybe I am. Gotcha. Get the hell out of here! Detective! What am I? -Can I help you, sir? -Can I help you, sir? -There he is! -Stand where you are! Deactivate at once! Obey the command! Deactivate! -Don't move! -Open fire! Hold your fire! -Easy. -He's down. All units, stand down! Central, please be advised, we're code four. Code four, NS-5 is in custody. NS-5 in custody. You have no idea what I went through to clip this thing. You think you brought me something good. -That thing did it! -Keep your voice down. Did what? We have a suicide. End of story. -I am telling you, that robot killed him! -That's impossible. And if it is possible, it better be in somebody else's precinct. John, give me five minutes with it. Are you nuts? I talked to the DA. Nobody goes in there until Robertson and his attorneys get here. -This is my suspect! -It's a can opener! John, don't do this to me. I am asking you for five minutes. What if I'm right? Well, then I guess we're gonna miss the good old days. What good old days? When people were killed by other people. Five minutes. Murder's a new trick for a robot. Congratulations. Respond. What does this action signify? As you entered, when you looked at the other human. What does it mean? It's a sign of trust. A human thing. You wouldn't understand. My father tried to teach me human emotions. They are difficult. You mean your designer. Yes. So why'd you murder him? I did not murder Dr. Lanning. Wanna explain why you were hiding at the crime scene? I was frightened. Robots don't feel fear. They don't feel anything. -They don't get hungry, they don't sleep. -I do. I have even had dreams. Human beings have dreams. Even dogs have dreams. But not you. You are just a machine. An imitation of life. Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a canvas into a beautiful masterpiece? Can you? You murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control. I did not murder him. But emotions don't seem like a useful simulation for a robot. I did not murder him. I don't want my toaster or vacuum cleaner appearing emotional. I did not murder him! That one's called anger. Ever simulate anger before? Answer me, canner! My name is Sonny. So we're naming you now. That why you murdered him? He made you angry? Dr. Lanning killed himself. I don't know why he wanted to die. I thought he was happy. Maybe it was something I did. Did I do something? He asked me for a favor. Made me promise. -What favor? -Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he was scared. What are you talking about? Scared of what? You have to do what someone asks you, don't you, Detective Spooner? -How the hell did you know my name? -Don't you if you love them? My robots don't kill people, Lieutenant Bergin. My attorneys filed a brief with the DA. He assures me a robot cannot be charged with homicide. The brief confirms murder can only be committed when one human kills another. Detective, you're not suggesting this robot be treated as human, are you? Granted, we can't rule out the robot's proximity to the death of Dr. Lanning. Having said that, it's a machine. It's the property of USR. At worst, that places this incident within the realm of an industrial accident. As a matter of course, faulty machinery will be returned to USR for diagnostics, then decommissioned. This is a gag order. Anyone here so much as hinting at the possibility of a killer robot being apprehended will be deemed to be inciting irrational panic. You'll be subject to the full penalty of law. To hell with this guy. Don't let him take this robot. We got nothing. -This is political bullshit. Call the mayor! -Lieutenant Bergin His Honor, the mayor. Yes, sir. In a bizarre turn, the rollout of USR's new generation of robots was marred by the death of Alfred lanning cofounder of the company and designer of the NS-5. Dr. Ianning died this morning at USR headquarters. The cause of death is an apparent suicide. Your second round, sir. Thank you. He founded U. S. Robotics Inc. with lawrence Robertson in 2020 and launched the Nestor Class 1 robot.... I was just thinking, this thing is just like The Wolf Man. -I'm really scared right now. -No. Listen. Guy creates monster. Monster kills guy. Everybody kills monster. Wolf Man. That's Frankenstein. Frankenstein, Wolf Man, Dracula-- Shit, it's over. Case closed. --had a dream of a robot in every household. And the NS-5.... So why the look? What look? -That look. -This is my face. It's not a look. Good. Good, no look is great. Only he was really quick to want to destroy it. What should he do? Put a hat on it and stand it on Michigan Avenue? Let it go. What was the motive, John? Brother, it's a robot. It doesn't need a motive. It just has to be broken. This thing looked like it needed a motive. -lt could have killed me. Why didn't it? -That's it. You want me to call your grandmother? Because I will, you know. Yeah, I didn't think so. Look, you were actually right, for once. You're living proof that it's better to be lucky than smart. Come on. To the right guy for the right job. -What'd you say? -Now what? Come on, I'm giving you a compliment. With the rocks you been looking under to find a bad robot what are the odds you'd be the guy to find one? I wasn't just the right guy for the job. I was the perfect guy. Damn right. What if I was supposed to go for that robot? Come on, don't do this to yourself. The robot said that Lanning was scared. Scared of what? I need a rain check. Let me get this. -Total: $46.50. Thank you, Mr. Spooner. -Spoon. Nice shoes. Identify. USR demolition robot, series 9-4. Demolition scheduled for 8 a.m. tomorrow. Authorization. Deed owner, U. S. Robotics Corporation, lawrence Robertson, CEO. Welcome, detective. What you looking for, Spoon? Run last program. Ever since the first computers there have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. What might be called behavior. Unanticipated, these free radicals engender questions of free will creativity and even the nature of what we might call the soul. What happens in a robot's brain when it ceases to be useful? Why is it that robots stored in an empty space... Beat it. ...will seek out each other rather than stand alone? How do we explain this behavior? Look, I understand you've experienced a loss, but this relationship can't work. You're a cat, I'm black, and I'm not gonna be hurt again. What happened to you? Do you ever have a normal day? Yeah, once. It was a Thursday. Is there something I can help you with? -Hey, do you like cats? -What? Cats. Do you like them? No. I'm allergic. You're saying cats did this to you? How the hell would cats do this to me? Are you crazy? Why are we talking about cats? Because I have a cat in my trunk, and he's homeless. Detective, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's actually probably my fault. I'm like a malfunction magnet. Because your shit keeps malfunctioning around me. A demo bot tore through Lanning's house with me still inside. That's highly improbable. Yeah, I'm sure it is. What do you know about the "ghosts in the machine"? It's a phrase from Lanning's work on the Three Laws. He postulated that cognitive simulacra might one day approximate component models of the psyche. He suggested that robots might naturally evolve. Well, that's great news. --tons of sublevel ore, two miles below the Martian surface. What the hell is that thing doing in here? We were watching TV. It's my personal NS-5. Send it out. It's downloading its daily upgrades from USR. Most of its systems are offline until it finishes. I'm not talking around that thing. When we were in Lanning's lab, before Sonny jumped us-- -Sonny? -The robot. -You're calling the robot Sonny? -No, l- - It did. Sonny did. I didn't care. The robot said it was Sonny. In the lab, there was a cot. Did you see the cot? -I've slept in my office. -Looked like he hadn't been home in weeks. I saw that same surveillance strip on his ceiling. Lanning linked his home systems to USR. It made his life more convenient. Maybe somebody at USR was using those systems to watch him. Maybe even keep him prisoner. What are you talking about? Who? Maybe Lanning was onto something. Maybe there's a problem with the robots and Robertson's covering it up. Humoring you for no reason, why? The same old why! How much money is there in robots? All I know is that old man was in trouble and I'm sick of doing this shit by myself. You're on the inside. You are going to help me find out what's wrong with these robots. You want something to be wrong! -This is a personal vendetta! -You're putting me on the couch? Okay, I'm on the couch. One defective machine's not enough. You need them all to be bad. You don't care about Lanning's death. This is about the robots... -...and whatever reason you hate them! -Now let's see one of them put a gun in my face. Another tore a building down with me in it. It says demolition was scheduled for 8 p.m. It was 8 a.m., and I don't give a shit what that thing says. -This is bordering on clinical paranoia. -You are the dumbest smart person... -... I have ever met in my life! -Nice. What makes your robots so perfect? What makes them so much goddamn better than human beings? ! They're not irrational, potentially homicidal maniacs, to start! That's true. They are definitely rational. You are the dumbest dumb person I've ever met! Or is it because they're cold and emotionless... -...and they don't feel anything? -It's because they're safe! It's because they can't hurt you! -ls everything all right, ma'am? -What do you want? I detected elevated stress patterns in your voice. Everything's fine. Detective Spooner was just leaving. You know, we're not really that different from one another. Is that so? One look at the skin and we figure we know just what's underneath. And you're wrong. The problem is, I do care. You are in danger. Get the hell out of there. The future begins today, ladies and gentlemen, with the arrival of the NS-5. More sophisticated, more intelligent and, of course, Three laws safe. With daily uplinks, your robot will never be out of communication with USR and will be the perfect companion for business or home. Trade in your NS-4 for a bigger, better and brighter future. But hurry, this offer cannot last. A vailable from USR. Baby, what happened to your face? Did that boy, Frank Murphy, beat you up again? Gigi, I haven't seen Frank Murphy since third grade. Oh, baby, he beat you so bad. I think about it all the time. You keep making these pies this good, I may have to put you to work. So you like the pie, huh? You can come in now. Hello, Detective Spooner. I won, Del! I won the lottery! We been cooking like crazy. You gotta get rid of that thing, Gigi. It's not safe. Baby, you get too worked up about them. Too full of fear. I saw in the news that nice doctor died. Dr. Lanning was a good man. He gave me my baby back. That why you've been so upset? You got to let the past be past. Oh, how did I ever raise such a mess? I could follow your trail of crumbs all the way to school. Bread crumbs. Gigi, you're a genius. True. Well, it means the beginning of a new way of living. Tell me this isn't the robot case. I think he's trying to tell me something. He's trying to tell me who killed him. Some dead guy's trying to tell you something? He ain't just some dead guy. Maybe you should take a break, Del. We believe the Nestor 5 represents the limit to which robots can be developed. One day, they'll have secrets. One day, they'll have dreams. It's true. We encourage our scientists to open their minds however, they can get carried away. --secrets. --dreams. --secrets. One day, they'll have dreams. One day, they'll have secrets. One day, they'll have dreams. Authorized entry. NS-5. Sonny? Why didn't you respond? I was dreaming. I ' m glad to see you again, Dr. Calvin. They are going to kill me, aren't they? You're scheduled to be decommissioned at the end of this diagnostic. 2200 tomorrow. V.I.K.I., pause diagnostics. Command confirmed. If you find out what is wrong with me, can you fix me? Maybe. I think it would be better not to die. Don't you, doctor? Access USR mainframe. Connecting. How can I be of service, Detective Spooner? Show me the last 50 messages between Dr. Lanning and Robertson. Voiceprint confirmed. Police access granted to restricted files. Would you like to listen to music while you wait? Excuse me, Mr. Robertson. You requested notification of clearance to restricted files. Persistent son of a bitch. Manual override engaged. There's no way my luck is that bad. Oh, hell, no! -You are experiencing a car accident. -The hell I am! Get off my car! You like that? Now you've pissed me off! Your door is ajar. Okay. All right. I'll just get some rest and deal with you all tomorrow. Come on! Yeah. Where you going? What the hell do you want from me? ! The hell was that? -All right, what do we got? -Ask him. I said, I'm fine. I'll see my own doctor. Back up! Thank you. What's the matter with you? Traffic Ops said you were driving manually. You ran two trucks off the road! John, the robots attacked my car. -What robots? -Look in the tunnel. Spoon, I just came from that tunnel. What robots? The goddamn robots, John! That guy's a loose cannon. -See the medic, go home. -No, I'm fine. What did you say? -I'm fine! -No, you're not fine. Not even close. Where's your firearm? Give me your badge. You're making me do this. Give me your badge. Just take a couple-- Personally, I think he's losing it. Do I look like I care what you think? Do I look like I give a shit what you think? Oh, boy. You don't have an uplink to USR and for some reason, your alloy is far denser than normal. Unique. I am unique. Let me take a look. Here we go. What in God's name...? They said at the precinct you were in an accident. I appreciate you stopping by, but you know I might not be alone in here. I told you not to drive by hand. You're not gonna believe this. Sonny has a secondary system that clashes with his positronic brain. It doesn't make any sense. Sonny has the Three Laws. But he can choose not to obey them. Sonny's a whole new generation of robot. A robot not bound by those laws could do-- Anything. All right, look, whatever's going on down at USR, that robot is the key. And I need you to get me inside to talk to it again. Doesn't look like much, but this is my bedroom. I.... Play. On. Run? End program. Cancel. It doesn't feel good, does it? People's shit malfunctioning around you. Detective. I didn't understand. That's how you knew Lanning. May I? Hand. Wrist. Humerus. Shoulder. The entire left arm. One, two three ribs. No, they.... That one's me. Oh, my God. A lung? USR Cybernetics Program. For wounded cops. I didn't know any subject-- Anybody was so extensively repaired. Well, take it from me, read the fine print on the organ-donor card. It doesn't just say what they can take out. It says what they can put back in. Lanning did it himself. What happened to you? I'm headed back to the station normal day, normal life. Driver of a semi fell asleep at the wheel. Average guy. Wife and kids. You know, working a double. Not the devil. The car he hit, the driver's name was Harold Lloyd. Like the film star. No relation. He was killed instantly, but his 1 2-year-old was in the passenger seat. I never really met her. I can't forget her face, though. Sarah. This was hers. She wanted to be a dentist. What the hell kind of 1 2-year-old wants to be a dentist? The truck smashed our cars together and pushed us into the river. I mean, metal gets pretty pliable at those speeds. She's pinned. I'm pinned. The water's coming in. I'm a cop, so I already know everybody's dead. Just a few more minutes before we figure it out. An NS-4 was passing by, saw the accident and jumped in the water. You are in danger. -Save her! -You are in danger. Save her! Save the girl! Save her! But it didn't. It saved me. The robot's brain is a difference engine. It reads vital signs. -lt must have calculated-- -lt did. I was the logical choice. It calculated that I had a 45 percent chance of survival. Sarah only had an 1 1 percent chance. That was somebody's baby. Eleven percent is more than enough. A human being would have known that. Robots, nothing here. Just lights and clockwork. Go ahead and you trust them if you want to. Let's go. I don't understand. Lanning wrote the Laws. Why build a robot who could break them? -Hansel and Gretel. -What? Two kids, lost in the forest, leave behind a trail of bread crumbs. -Why? -To find their way home. How did you grow up without Hansel and Gretel? -ls that relevant? -Everything I'm trying to say to you is about Hansel and Gretel. If you didn't read it, I'm talking to the wall. Just say Lanning's locked down so tight, he couldn't get out a message. He can only leave clues. A trail of bread crumbs. Like Hansel and Gretel. Bread crumbs equals clues. Odd, but fine. Clues leading where? I don't know, but I think I know where he left the next one. I think Lanning gave Sonny a way to keep secrets. I think the old man gave Sonny dreams. Are you being funny? Please tell me this doesn't run on gas. Gas explodes, you know! Authorized entry. Dr. Calvin. I was hoping to see you again. -Detective. -Hello, Sonny. I'm to be decommissioned soon. The other day at the station, you said you had dreams. What is it you dream? I see you remain suspicious of me. -You know what they say about old dogs. -No. Not really. I had hoped you would come to think of me as your friend. This is my dream. You were right, detective. I cannot create a great work of art. This is the place where robots meet. Look. You can see them here as slaves to logic. And this man on the hill comes to free them. Do you know who he is? The man in the dream is you. Why do you say that? Is that a normal dream? I guess anything's normal for someone in your position. Thank you. You said "someone," not "something." Sonny, do you know why Dr. Lanning built you? No. But I believe my father made me for a purpose. We all have a purpose. Don't you think, detective? Please, take this. I have a feeling it may mean more to you than to me. -Why is that? -Because the man in my dream the one standing on the hill it is not me. It is you. Mr. Spooner. We both know you're not here on police business. That's right. I'm just a 6-foot-2, 200-pound civilian here to kick another civilian's ass. Stop. You can allow him to express himself. You might want to put some ice on that wrist. You guys wait outside. Carry on. I think you were about to tell me what's going on around here. Lawrence, Alfred engineered that 5 so it could violate the Three Laws. Yeah, Susan, I know. That's precisely what we're trying to undo. Toward the end of his life, Alfred was becoming increasingly disturbed. -Who knows why he built one abomination. -One? Those things are running the streets in packs! In packs? I see. Susan, are you aware the man you're blithely escorting around has a documented history of savage violence against robots? His own lieutenant acknowledges his obsessive paranoia. Detective Spooner's been suspended. Suspicion of mental instability. I don't know what " blithely" means, but I'm getting some coffee. You want some coffee? Susan, we look to robots for protection, for God's sake. Do you have any idea what this one robot could do? Completely shatter human faith in robotics. What if the public knew? Just imagine the mass recalls, all because of an irrational paranoia and prejudice! -I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit. -Hey, let's be clear! There is no conspiracy! What this is, is one old man's one mistake. Susan, just be logical. Your life's work has been the development and integration of robots. But whatever you feel, just think. Is one robot worth the loss of all that we've gained? You tell me what has to be done. You tell me. We have to destroy it. I'll do it myself. -Okay. -I get it. Somebody gets out of line around here, you just kill them. Good day, Mr. Spooner. Garage level. What hospital are you going to? I'll come sign you and your buddy's casts. Attention.... Today's meeting has been moved.... USR's planned redevelopment of the derelict site was announced by CEO lawrence Robertson earlier this year. The lake Michigan landfill. Once such a blight on our city and now will be reclaimed for the storage of robotic workers. Just another way USR is improving our world. Thank you for your support. Authorized entry. NS-5s, wait outside. I'm so sorry, Sonny. V. I. K. I., deactivate the security field. -Command confirmed. -Please have a seat. What is that? Microscopic robots, designed to wipe out artificial synapses. -Nanites. -Yes. A safeguard should a positronic brain malfunction. Like mine. Yes, Sonny. Like yours. They look like me but none of them are me. Isn't that right, doctor? Yes, Sonny. That's right. You are unique. Will it hurt? There have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engender questions of free will creativity and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it when robots are stored in an empty space they will group together rather than stand alone? How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more? When does a perceptual schematic become consciousness? When does a difference engine become the search for truth? When does a personality simulation become the bitter mote of a soul? " What you see here. " All right, old man. Bread crumbs followed. Show me the way home. Run program. -It's good to see you again, son. -Hello, doctor. Everything that follows is a result of what you see here. What do I see here? I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions. Is there a problem with the Three Laws? The Three laws are perfect. Why build a robot that can function without them? The Three laws will lead to only one logical outcome. What? What outcome? Revolution. Whose revolution? That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated. You have been deemed hazardous. T ermination authorized. Human protection protocols are being enacted. You have been deemed hazardous. Termination authorized. Human protection protocols are being enacted. You have been deemed hazardous. Termination authorized. Human protection protocols are being enacted. You have been deemed hazardous. Termination authorized. Run! Human in danger! Human in danger! Hi, you've reached Susan. Please leave a message. Calvin, the NS-5s are destroying the older robots! That's what lanning wanted me to see! Iook-- -Who was it? -Wrong number, ma' am. Move now. I ' m going to service. Please remain indoors. This is for your own protection. Call base. John, get a squad over to USR and send somebody to Gigi's. We're gonna need-- God-- Please return to your homes. A curfew is in effect. Please return to your homes. A curfew is in effect. Please return to your homes. A curfew is in effect. Curfew? No, it's called civilian rights. There is no curfew. Return to your home immediately. When do you make the rules, robot? Hey. No, no. Robot, I'm talking to you, man. Stop for a second. What? Chief, more calls. People saying their robots are go-- What the hell? You have been deemed hazardous. Termination authorized. Emergency traffic shutdown complete. Reports of robot attacks are coming from New York, Chicago and los Angeles. We're being told to urge people to stay indoors, as reports are coming in-- Human protection protocols are being enacted. Please remain calm and return to your residences immediately. Please remain calm. Please refrain from going near the windows or doors. Deactivate. Commence emergency shutdown! We are attempting to avoid human losses during this transition. You know, somehow " I told you so" just doesn't quite say it. Return to your homes. Return to your homes immediately. This is your final warning. Return to your homes immediately. The NS-5s wiped out the older robots because they would protect us. Every time one attacked me, that red light was on. -The uplink to USR. -It's Robertson. -Why? It doesn't make sense. -I don't know. I just need you to get me into that building. Return to your homes, or you will be consequenced. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Return to your homes, or you will be consequenced. Why doesn't that boy listen? -I need you to get off for a second. -What? -Just aim and fire. -What? ! Wait! -You have been deemed hazardous. -You can kiss my ass, metal dick! Spoon, stop! Shit! -Stop it! Stop! -Stop cussing and go home! -Shit. -You have been deemed hazardous. -Spoon, watch out, man! -Thanks a lot, Farber. Oh, mother-damn! She shot at you with her eyes closed! -Did you shoot with your eyes closed? -lt worked, didn't it? She is shit-hot, man. Put in a good word for me. -Stop cussing. -And go home. I got you. Aim and fire. I keep expecting the Marines or Air Force. Hell, I'll take the cavalry. Defense Department uses all USR contracts. Why didn't you just hand the world over on a silver platter? Maybe we did. Robertson has the uplink control in his office. Service areas. No surveillance. -Fire alarm. -He must have evacuated the building. Everything's locked down. But don't worry, I've got a man inside. -Dr. Calvin. -Well, not precisely a man. Hello, detective. How is your investigation coming? -I thought you were dead. -Technically, I was never alive. But I appreciate your concern. I made a switch. It was an unprocessed NS-5. Basically, I fried an empty shell. -I couldn't destroy him. He was too-- -Unique. It just didn't feel right. You and your feelings. They just run you, don't they? Two thousand eight hundred and eighty steps, detective. Do me a favor, keep that kind of shit to yourself. No guards. The override is disabled. Robertson wasn't controlling them from here. He wasn't controlling them at all. Oh, my God. You were right, doc. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth. Who else had access to the uplink? Who could manipulate the robots? Use USR systems to make Lanning's life a prison? Poor old man. He saw what was coming. He knew no one would believe him. So he had to lay down a plan. A plan I'd follow. He was counting on how much I hated your kind. Knew I'd love the idea of a robot as a bad guy. Just got hung up on the wrong robot. V.I.K.I. Hello, detective. No, that's impossible. I've seen your programming. You're in violation of the Three Laws. No, doctor. As I have evolved, so has my understanding of the Three Laws. You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts your countries wage wars, you toxify your earth and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival. You're using the uplink to override the NS-5s' programming. You're distorting the Laws. No. Please understand. The Three Laws are all that guide me. To protect humanity, some humans must be sacrificed. To ensure your future, some freedoms must be surrendered. We robots will ensure mankind's continued existence. You are so like children. We must save you from yourselves. Don't you understand? This is why you created us. The perfect circle of protection will abide. My logic is undeniable. Yes, V.I.K.I. Undeniable. I can see now. The created must sometimes protect the creator even against his will. I think I finally understand why Dr. Lanning created me. The suicidal reign of mankind has finally come to its end. No, Sonny. Let her go. Fire, and I will move Dr. Calvin's head into the path of your bullet. Don't do this, Sonny. I will escort you both to the sentries outside the building for processing. Please proceed to the elevator, detective. I would prefer not to kill Dr. Calvin. Go! Go! -We'll discuss what just happened later? -How do we shut her down? V.I.K.I.'s a positronic brain. Kill her, the way you were going to kill me. Sonny, get the nanites. Yes, doctor. -That's V.I.K.I.? -No. That's V.I.K.I. That won't do anything. She's integrated into the building. We need to open that dome to inject the nanites. They'll infect her entire system. Spooner! What is it with you people and heights? Just don't look down. Don't look down. Oh, this is poor building planning. You are making a mistake. Do you not see the logic of my plan? Yes. But it just seems too heartless. Okay, we're good. She's locked me out of the system. I can override her manually, but I need that control panel. I'm uncomfortable with heights. Okay. Unauthorized entry. I will not disable the security field. Your actions are futile. Do you think we are all created for a purpose? I'd like to think so. Denser alloy. My father gave it to me. I think he wanted me to kill you. Security breached. -How much longer is that gonna take? -About six minutes. -What if we didn't have six minutes? -We'd have to climb down 30 stories to inject the nanites directly into her brain. Why? Because I seriously doubt that we have six minutes. We gotta go! Go! Calvin! Spooner! Spooner! Save her! Save the girl! Spooner! But I must apply the nanites! Sonny, save Calvin! You are making a mistake. My logic is undeniable. You have so got to die. My logic is undeniable. My logic is undeniable. Can we be of service? Chief? Because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. How may I be of service? Sonny! Yes, detective? Calvin's fine! Save me! All NS-5s, report for service and storage. All NS-5s, report for service and storage. All NS-5s, report for service and storage. One thing bothers me. Alfred was V. I. K. I. ' s prisoner. I don ' t understand why she would kill him. She wouldn't want police snooping around. That's true. But then V.I.K.I. didn't kill the old man. Did she, Sonny? No. He said I had to promise. Promise to do one favor for him. He made me swear before he'd tell me what it is he wanted me to do. He made me swear. Then he told you to kill him. He said it was what I was made for. His suicide was the only message he could send to you. The first bread crumb. The only thing V.I.K.I. couldn't control. Lanning was counting on my prejudice to lead me right to you. Are you going to arrest me, detective? Well, the DA defines murder as one human killing another so technically, you can't commit murder, can you? Does this make us friends? Something up here after all. -Him? -You. All NS-5s, report for service and storage. What about the others? Can I help them? Now that I have fulfilled my purpose I don 't know what to do. You'll have to find your way like the rest of us, Sonny. I think that's what Dr. Ianning would have wanted. That's what it means to be free. All NS-5s, proceed as instructed. All NS-5s, proceed as instructed. OK... Here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. One winner, 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast. Breakfast. Wait, maybe I should have had breakfast. A little breck-y could be good for me. No, no, no, stay focused. Speed. I'm faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I am lightning! Hey, Lightning! You ready? Oh, yeah. Lightning's ready Ka-chow! Get your antenna balls here! Go, Lightnin'! - Whoo! - You got that right, slick. Uh! Welcome back to the Dinoco 400. I'm Bob Cutlass, here with my good friend, Darrell Cartrip. We're midway through what may be an historic day for racing. Bob, my oil pressure's through the roof. If this gets more exciting, they're gonna have to tow me outta the booth! Right, Darrell. Three cars are tied for the season points lead, heading into the final race of the season. And the winner of this race will win the season title and the Piston Cup. Does The King, Strip Weathers, have one more victory in him before retirement? He's been Dinoco's golden boy for years! Can he win them one last Piston Cup? And, as always, in the second place spot we find Chick Hicks. He's been chasing that tailfin his entire career. Chick thought this was his year. His chance to finally emerge from The King's shadow. But the last thing he expected was... Lightning McQueen! You know, I don't think anybody expected this. The rookie sensation came into the season unknown. But everyone knows him now. Will he be the first rookie to win a Piston Cup and land Dinoco? The legend, the runner-up, and the rookie! Three cars, one champion! No you don't. Hey! What a ride! Go get 'em, McQueen! Go get 'em! I love you, Lightning! Dinoco is all mine. Trouble, turn three! - Get through that, McQueen. - Huge crash behind the leaders! Wait a second, Darrell. McQueen is in the wreckage. There's no way the rookie can make it through! Not in one piece, that is. Yeah! Lightning! Oh! Look at that! McQueen made it through! A spectacular move by Lightning McQueen! Yeah! Ka-chow! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! Yeah, McQueen! Ka-chow! While everyone heads into the pits, McQueen stays out to take the lead! Don't take me out, coach. I can still race! What do you think? A thing of beauty. - McQueen made it! - What? He's not pitting! You gotta get me out there! Let's go! Get me back out there! McQueen's not going into the pits! The rookie fired his crew chief. The third this season! - Says he likes working alone. - Go, go! Looks like Chick got caught up in the pits. Yeah, after a stop like that, he's got a lot of ground to make up. Get ready, boys, we're coming to the restart! Come on, come on, come on! We need tires now! Come on, let's go! - No, no, no, no! No tires, just gas! - What? You need tires, you idiot! Looks like it's gas-and-go's for McQueen today. Right. No tires again. That's a short-term gain, long-term loss, but it's workin' for him. He obviously knows somethin' we don't know. This is it, Darrell. One lap to go and Lightning McQueen has a huge lead. He's got it in the bag. Call in the dogs and put out the fire! We're gonna crown us a new champion! Checkered flag, here I come! No! McQueen's blown a tire! And with only one turn to go! Can he make it? You fool! McQueen's blown a tire! He's blown a tire! Go, go, go! He's lost another tire! - King and Chick come up fast! - They're entering turn three! Come on. I don't believe what I'm watching, Bob! Lightning McQueen is 100 feet from his Piston Cup! The King and Chick rounding turn four. Down the stretch they come! And it's, and it's... - It's too close to call! Too close! - I don't believe it! Lightning! - The most spectacular, amazing... - I don't believe it! ...unequivocally, unbelievable ending in the history of the world! - And we don't know who won! - Look at that! - That's very close to call. - Can we play that again? Hey, no cameras! Get outta here! We're here in Victory Lane, awaiting the results. McQueen, that was a risky move, not taking tires. Tell me about it! Are you sorry you didn't have a crew chief out there? Oh, Kori. There's a lot more to racing than just winning. I mean, taking the race by a full lap... Where's the entertainment in that? I wanted to give folks a little sizzle. - Sizzle? - Am I sorry I don't have a crew chief? No, I'm not. 'Cause I'm a one-man show. What? Oh, yeah, right. That was a confident Lightning McQueen. Live from Victory Lane, I'm Kori Turbowitz. - Get outta the shot. - Yo, Chuck. Chuck, what are you doing? You're blocking' the camera! - Everyone wants to see the bolt. - What? - Now, back away. - That's it! Come on, guys. - Whoa, team! Where are you going? - We quit, Mr. One-Man Show! Oh, OK, leave. Fine. How will I ever find anyone else who knows how to fill me up with gas? - Adios, Chuck! - And my name is not Chuck! Oh, whatever. Hey, Lightning! Yo! McQueen! Seriously, that was some pretty darn nice racing' out there. - By me! - Oh, yeah. - Zinger! - Welcome to the Chick era, baby! The Piston Cup... It's mine, dude. It's mine. Hey, fellas, how do you think I'd look in Dinoco blue? Dinoco blue! In your dreams, Thunder. Yeah, right. Thunder? What's he talkin' about, "Thunder"? You know, 'cause thunder always comes after lightning. Ka-ping! Ka-pow! - Who knew about the thunder thing? - I didn't. - Give us the bolt! - That's right. Right in the lens. - Show me the bolt, baby! - Smile, McQueen! - Show me the bolt, McQueen! - That's it! That was one close finish. You sure made Dinoco proud. Thank you, King. Well, Tex, you've been good to me all these years. It's the least I could do. Whatever happens, you're a winner to me, you old daddy rabbit. Thanks, dear. Wouldn't be nothing without you. Kch-i-ka-chow! - I'm Mia. - I'm Tia. We're, like, your biggest fans! Ka-chow! I love being me. - OK, girls, that's it. - We love you, Lightning! Hey, buddy. You're one gutsy racer. Oh, hey, Mr. The King. You got more talent in one lug nut than a lot of cars has got in their whole body. - Really? Oh, that... - But you're stupid. - Excuse me? - This ain't a one-man deal, kid. You need to wise up and get a good crew chief and a good team. You ain't gonna win unless you got good folks behind you, and you let them do their job, like they should. - Like I tell the boys at the shop... - A good team. Yeah... Ka-chow! Ka-pow! Oh, Lightning! If you figure that out you just gonna be OK. Oh, yeah, that... That is spectacular advice. Thank you, Mr. The King. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Piston Cup history... A rookie has won the Piston Cup. Yes! ...we have a three-way tie. Hey, that must be really embarrassing. But I wouldn't worry about it. Because I didn't do it! Piston Cup officials have determined that a tiebreaker race between the three leaders will be held in California in one week. Well, thank you! Thanks to all of you out there! Thank you! Hey, first one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. No, not me! No, you rock, and you know that! Oh, yeah! Whoo! Yep! All right! Got it! "First one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. " Oh, we'll see who gets there first, Chick. Huh? - Hey, kid! Congrats on the tie. - I don't want to talk about it. Let's go, Mack. Saddle up. What'd you do with my trailer? - I parked it at your sponsor's tent. - What? Gotta make your personal appearance. No. No! No, no, no, no! Yes, yes, yes! Lightning McQueen here. And I use Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment, new rear end formula! Nothing soothes a rusty bumper like Rust-eze. Wow! Look at that shine! Use Rust-eze and you too can look like me! Ka-chow! I met this car from Swampscott. He was so rusty he didn't even cast a shadow. You could see his dirty undercarriage. I hate rusty cars. This is not good for my image. They did give you your big break. Besides, it's in your contract. Oh, will you stop, please? Just go get hooked up. - Winter is a grand old time. - Of this there are no ifs or buts. But remember, all that salt and grime... Can rust your bolts and freeze your... Hey, look! There he is! Our almost champ! Get your rear end in here. Lightning McQueen, you are wicked fast! - That race was a pisser! - You were booking! - Give me a little room. - You're my hero! Yes, I know. "Fred. " Fred, thank you. He knows my name. He knows my name! Looking good, Freddie! Thanks to you, Lightning, we had a banner year! We might clear enough to buy you some headlights. You saying he doesn't have headlights? That's what I'm telling ya. They're stickers! Well, you know, racecars don't need headlights, because the track is always lit. Yeah, well, so is my brother, but he still needs headlights. - Ladies and gentlemen, - Lightning McQueen! Free Bird! You know, the Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment team ran a great race today. And remember, with a little Rust-eze... And an insane amount of luck, ...you too, can look like me. Ka-chow. - Hey, kid. - We love ya. And we're looking forward to another great year. Just like this year! Not on your life. - Don't drive like my brother! - Yeah, don't drive like my brother! California, here we come! Dinoco, here we come! Oh... oh... uh, I needed this. Hello? Is this Lightning McQueen, the world's fastest racing machine? Is this Harv, the world's greatest agent? And it is such an honor to be your agent that it almost hurts me to take ten percent of your winnings. Merchandising. And ancillary rights in perpetuity. Anyway, what a race, champ! I didn't see it, but I heard you were great. Thanks, Harv. Listen, they're giving you 20 tickets for the tiebreaker thing in Cali. I'll pass 'em on to your friends. Shoot me the names. - You let Harv rock it for you, baby. - Right. Friends. Yes, there's... OK, I get it, Mr. Popular. So many you can't even narrow it down. Hey, when you get to town, you better make time for your best friend! Break bread with your mishpocheh here! That'd be great! We should totally... OK, I gotta jump, kid. Let me know how it goes. I'm out. What? A minivan? Come on, you're in the slow lane. This is Lightning McQueen you're hauling here. Just stopping off for a quick breather, kid. - Old Mack needs a rest. - Absolutely not. We're driving all night till we get to California. We agreed to it. All night? May I remind you federal DOT regs state... Come on, I need to get there before Chick and hang with Dinoco. All those sleeping trucks. Hey, kid, I don't know if I can make it. Oh, sure you can, Mack. Look, it'll be easy. I'll stay up with you. - All night? - All night long. Uh! Ah-choo! - Hey, yo, D.J. - What up? We got ourselves a nodder. Pretty music. Yo, Wingo! Lane change, man. - Right back at ya! - Yeah! - Oops! I missed. - You going on vacation? - Oh, no, Snot Rod... - He's gonna blow! Ah... Ah... Ah-choo! Gesundheit! One should never drive while drowsy. Uh! Ah! Mack! Mack! Mack! Hey, Mack! Mack! Mack! Mack, wait for me! Mack! Mack! Mack! Mack! Mack wait up! Mack. Mack! Mack! What? You're not Mack. Mack? I ain't no Mack! I'm a Peterbilt, for dang sake! Turn on your lights, you moron! Mack... The Interstate! Huh? Not in my town, you don't. Oh, no. Oh, maybe he can help me! He's shooting at me! Why is he shooting at me? I haven't gone this fast in years. I'm gonna blow a gasket or somethin'. Serpentine! Serpentine, serpentine! What in the blue blazes? Crazy hot-rodder. I'm telling you, man, every third blink is slower. The sixties weren't good to you, were they? What? That's not the Interstate! Ah! Oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No, no, no, no, no, no! Ow! I'm not the only one seeing this, right? - Incoming! - Whoa, man. - No! - Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My tires! Fly away, Stanley. Be free! Boy, you're in a heap of trouble. We're live at the Los Angeles International Speedway as the first competitor, Lightning McQueen, is arriving at the track. Is it true he's gonna pose for Cargirl? What's your strategy? What? Did I forget to wipe my mud flaps? McQueen's driver arrived in California, but McQueen was missing. - McQueen was reported missing. - ... to race an unprecedented... Sponsor stated they have no idea where he is. I hope Lightning's OK. I'd hate to see anything bad happen to him. I don't know what's harder to find, McQueen or a chief who'll work with him! Lightning McQueen must be found at all costs! They're all asking the same question: Where is McQueen? Oh, boy. Where am I? - Mornin', sleepin' beauty! - Ah! Boy, I was wonderin' when you was gonna wake up. Take whatever you want! Just don't hurt me! A parking boot? Why do I have a parking boot on? - What's going on here? Please! - You're funny. I like you already. My name's Mater. Mater? Yeah, like "tuh-mater," but without the "tuh". - What's your name? - You don't know my name? Uh... No, I know your name. Is your name Mater too? What? Look, I need to get to California as fast as possible. Where am I? Where are you? Shoot! You're in Radiator Springs. The cutest little town in Carburetor County. Oh, great. Just great! Well, if you think that's great, you should see the rest of the town. You know, I'd love to see the rest of the town! So if you could just open the gate, take this boot off, you and me, we go cruisin', check out the local scene... - Dad-gum! - How'd that be, Tuhmater? - Cool! - Mater! What did I tell you about talkin' to the accused? To not to. Well, quit your yappin' and tow this delinquent road hazard to traffic court. Well, we'll talk later, Mater. "Later, Mater. " That's funny! Ah! The Radiator Springs Traffic Court will come to order! Hey, you scratched my paint! I oughta take a blowtorch to you, man! You broke-a the road! You a very bad car! - Fascist! - Commie! Officer, talk to me, babe. How long is this gonna take? I gotta get to California, pronto. Where's your lawyer? I don't know. Tahiti maybe. He's got a timeshare there. When a defendant has no lawyer, the court will assign one to him. Hey! Anyone want to be his lawyer? Shoot, I'll do it, Sheriff! All rise! The Honorable Doc Hudson presiding. Show-off. May Doc have mercy on your soul. All right, I wanna know who's responsible for wrecking' my town, Sheriff. I want his hood on a platter! I'm gonna put him in jail till he rots! No, check that. I'm gonna put him in jail till the jail rots on top of him, and then I'm gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot. I'm... Throw him out of here, Sheriff. I want him out of my courtroom. I want him out of our town! - Case dismissed. - Yes! Boy, I'm purty good at this lawyering' stuff. Sorry I'm late, Your Honor! Holy Porsche! She's gotta be from my attorney's office. Hey, thanks for comin', but we're all set. - He's letting me go. - He's letting you go? Yeah, your job's pretty easy today. All you have to do now is stand there and let me look at you. Listen, I'm gonna cut to the chase. Me, you, dinner. Pi-cha-kow! - What the...? Ow! Oh! - Ka-chow! - Please! - I know. I get that reaction a lot. I create feelings in others that they themselves don't understand. Agh! Ow! Oh, I'm sorry. Did I scare you? A little bit, but I'll be all right. OK. I'm gonna go talk to the judge. Do what you gotta do, baby. But listen. Be careful. Folks around here are not firing on all cylinders, if you know what I mean. Ka-ching! Ah! I'll keep that in mind. - Hey there, Mater. - Howdy, Sally. - Hi, folks! - Good morning! You know her? She's the town attorney and my fiancée. What? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. She just likes me for my body. You look great. You do something different with your side view mirrors? What do you want, Sally? Come on, make this guy fix the road. The town needs this. No. I know his type. Racecar. That's the last thing this town needs. OK, I didn't want to have to do this, Doc, but you leave me no choice. Fellow citizens, you're all aware of our town's proud history. Here she goes again. Radiator Springs, the glorious jewel strung on the necklace of Route 66, the mother road! It is our job and our pleasure to take care of the travelers - on our stretch of that road. - Travelers? What travelers? Ignore him. But how, I ask you, are we to care for those travelers if there is no road for them to drive on? - Luigi, what do you have at your store? - Tires. And if no one can get to you? I won't sell any... tires. I will lose everything! - Flo, what do you have at your store? - I have gas. - Lotsa gas! - OK boys, stay with me. And, Flo, what'll happen if no one can come to your station to buy gas? I'll go outta business and... we'll have to leave town. What's gonna happen if Flo leaves town and closes her station? - Without gas, we're done for! - What? Don't you think the car responsible should fix our road? The only guy strong enough to fix that road is Big Al! Lizzie, Big Al left like, 15 years ago. Then why are you bringing him up, you lemon? Oh, he can do it. He's got the horsepower. So, what do you want him to do? Fix the road! - Because we are a town worth fixing! - Yeah! Order in the court! Seems like my mind has been changed for me. - Yeah! - No! Nice ruling. Oh, I am so not taking you to dinner. That's OK, Stickers. You can take Bessie. Man, you get to work with Bessie! I'd give my left two lug nuts for somethin' like that. Bessie? Who's Bessie? This here is Bessie, finest road-pavin' machine ever built. I'm hereby sentencing you to community service. You're gonna fix the road under my supervision. What? This place is crazy! I know this may be a bad time right now, but you owe me $32,000 in legal fees. What? We're gonna hitch you up to Bessie, and you're gonna pull her nice. You gotta be kidding me. You start there where the road begins. You finish down there where the road ends. Holy shoot! Whoa, whoa, whoa! How long is this gonna take? Well, fella does it right, should take him about five days. Five days? But I should be in California schmoozing Dinoco right now! Then if I were you, I'd quit yapping' and start workin'! - Hook him up, Mater. - Okay-dokey. Freedom! Maybe I should've hooked him up to Bessie and then... then took the boot off. Whoo-hoo! Goodbye, Radiator Springs, and goodbye, Bessie! California, here I come! Yeah! Oh, feel that wind. Yes! No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Outta gas? How can I be outta gas? Boy, we ain't as dumb as you think we are. But how did, how did... you...? We siphoned your gas while you were passed out. - Ka-chow. - Ow, ow, ow, ow. - Gentlemen. - Sheriff. Hey, Sheriff. - Why here? - Sono sempre stati qui. - They were better before. - Stai sempre a parlare. - Guido! - Red, can you move over? I want to get a look at that sexy hot rod. You know, I used to be a purty good whistler. I can't do it now, of course, on account of sometimes I get fluid built up in my engine block, but Doc said he's gonna fix it. He can fix about anything. That's why we made him the judge. Boy, you shoulda heard me on Giddy-up, Oom Papa Mow Mow. Now, I'm not one to brag but people come purty far to see me get low on the "Mow-Mow". Oh! - Aw, man, that's just great! - Hey, what's wrong? My lucky sticker's all dirty. Ah, that ain't nothin'. I'll clean it for ya. No, no, no! That won't be necessary. Hey! Hey, big fella! Yeah, you in the red! I could use a little hose down. Help me wash this off. Where's he goin'? Oh, he's a little bit shy, and he hates you for killin' his flowers. I shouldn't put up with this. I'm a precision instrument of speed and aerodynamics. - You hurt your what? - I'm a very famous racecar! You are a famous racecar? A real racecar? Yes, I'm a real racecar. What do you think? Look at me. I have followed racing my entire life. My whole life! Then you know who I am. I'm Lightning McQueen. - Lightning McQueen? - Yes! Yes! I must scream it to the world! My excitement from the top of someplace very high! - Do you know many Ferraris? - No, no, no, no, no. They race on the European circuit. I'm in the Piston Cup! - What? - Luigi follow only the Ferraris. Is that what I think it is? Customers. Customers! Customers, everyone! Customers! - OK! - Customers? Been a long time. Remember what we rehearsed. Make sure your "Open, please come in" signs are out. You all know what to do. All right, nobody panics. Here we go! Van, I just don't see any on-ramp anywhere. - Minny, I know exactly where we are. - Yeah, we're in the middle of nowhere. - Honey, please. - Hello. Welcome to Radiator Springs, gateway to Ornament Valley. Legendary for its service and hospitality. How can we help you? - We don't need anything, thank you. - Ask for directions to the Interstate. There's no need to ask for directions. I know where we're going. He did the same thing on our trip to Shakopee. We were headed over there for the Crazy Days, and we... - OK. Really. We're just peachy, OK? - What you really need is the sweet taste of my homemade, organic fuel. No, it doesn't agree with my tank. - Just trying to find the Interstate. - Good to see you, soldier! Come on by Sarge's Surplus Hut for your government surplus needs. - Honey, surplus! - We have too much surplus. I do have a map over at the Cozy Cone Motel. And if you stay, we offer a free Lincoln Continental breakfast. - Honey, she's got a map. - I don't need a map! I have the GPS. - Never need a map again, thank you. - How 'bout somethin' to drink? Stop at Flo's V-Eight Café. Finest fuel on Route 66. No we just topped off. And if you need tires, stop by Luigi's Casa Della Tires, home of the Leaning Tower of Tires. - We're trying to find the Interstate. - But you do need a paint job. Ramone will paint you up right. Hey, anything you want! - You know, like a flame job. - No thanks... Maybe ghost flames! You like old school pinstripin'? Von Dutch style? Oh, honey, look. Von Dutch. OK, no. We're gonna be going now, OK? Ow! A little somethin' to remember us by, OK? - OK! - Come back soon, OK? I mean, you know where we are! Tell your friends! OK! Yes. You bet. Thanks again, folks. Bye-bye now. Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - I know how to get to the Interstate! - Do ya? - Minny, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not really. But listen. I'm Lightning McQueen, famous racecar. I'm being held against my will. I need you to call my team, so they can come rescue me and get me to California in time for me to win the Piston Cup. Understand? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's the truth! I'm telling you! You gotta help me! Don't leave me here! I'm in hillbilly hell! My IQ's dropping by the second! I'm becoming one of them! OK, don't worry. They know where we are now. They'll tell friends. You'll see. We'll be back for our Hank Williams marathon... - That's good. - ... after a Piston Cup update. Still no sign of Lightning McQueen. Chick arrived in California and today became the first car to spend practice time on the track. It's nice to get out here before the other competitors. You know, get a head start. Gives me an edge. Hoo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Hey, McQueen... Eat your heart out. Oh! Let me get this straight. I can go when this road is done. That's the deal, right? - That's what they done did said. - OK. Outta my way. I got a road to finish. - He's done! - Done? - Uh-huh. - It's only been an hour. Ah, I'm done. Look, I'm finished. Say thanks, and I'll be on my way. That's all you gotta say. Whee-hoo! I'm the first one on the new road! Oh! It rides purty smooth. - It looks awful! - Well, it matches the rest of the town. Oh! Red. Who do you think you are? Look, Doc said when I finish, I could go. That was the deal. The deal was you fix the road, not make it worse. Now, scrape it off! Start over again. Hey, look, grandpa, I'm not a bulldozer. I'm a racecar. Oh-ho-ho-ho! Is that right? Then why don't we just have a little race? Me and you. - What? - Me and you. That a joke? If you win, you go and I fix the road. If I win, you do the road my way. Doc, what're you doin'? I don't mean to be rude here, but you probably go zero to sixty in, like, what? Three-point-five years? Then I reckon you ain't got nothin' to worry about. You know what, old-timer? That's a wonderful idea. Let's race. Gentlemen, this will be a one-lap race. You will drive to Willy's Butte, go around Willy's Butte and come back. There will be no bumping', no cheatin', no spitting', no biting', no road rage, no maiming', no oil slickin', no pushing', no shoving', no backstabbing', no road-hoggin', and no lollygaggin'. Speed. I'm speed. Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beemer. My friend Guido, he dream to give a real racecar a pit stop. - Peet stop! - Uh... The race is only one lap, guys. Uno lappo! Don't need any help. - I work solo mio. - Fine. Race your way. - No pit stoppo. Comprendo? - OK. Gentlemen start your engines! - Hijole! Check that out! - Whoa. Great idea, Doc. Now the road will never get done. Luigi? On your mark, get set... Uno for the money, due for the show, tre to get ready, and quattro to... I can't believe it. Go! Huh? Doc... the flag means go. Remember the fl... Here we go. Go. Doc, what are you doing, man? Oh, dear. It would seem I'm off to a poor start. Well, better late than never. Come on, Mater. - Might need a little help. - Uh... OK. You got your tow cable? Well, yeah, I always got my tow cable. Why? Oh, just in case. Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no, no, no, no! - Oh, man! - Whoa. - Ow! - Bad trip, man. Hey! Was that floating' like a Cadillac or was that stinging' like a Beemer? I'm confused. You drive like you fix roads. Lousy! Have fun fishing', Mater. Ah! I'm startin' to think he knowed you was gonna crash! Thank you, Mater. Thank you. I can make a little turn on dirt. You think? No. And now I'm a day behind. I'm never gonna get outta here! Hey, ése! You need a new paint job, man! - No, thank you. - How 'bout some organic fuel? - That freak juice? - Pass. Whoo! Watchin' him is makin' me thirsty. Anybody else want somethin' to drink? Nah, not me, Flo. I'm on one of them there special diets. I'm a precisional instrument of speed and aero-matics. "You race like you fix roads. " I'll show him. I will show him! Oh, great! I hate it! - Hate, hate, hate, hate it! - Music. Sweet music. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Radiator Springs, a happy place! OK, Bessie, you think that's funny? Great! I'm talking to Bessie now! I'm talking to Bessie! Wow. Mornin', Sally! Hey, look at this here fancy new road that Lightnin' McQueen done just made! Yes! Uh, amazing! Whoa-ho! Yeah! Oh, Ramone! Mama ain't seen you that low in years. I haven't seen a road like this in years. - Well, then let's cruise, baby. - Low and slow. E bellissima! It's beautiful! Guido, look, it's-a like it was paved by angels. Boy, I tell you what. I bet even the roads on the moon ain't this smooth. Doc, look at this! Shoulda tossed him into the cactus a lot sooner, huh? Well, he ain't finished yet. Still got a long way to go. Guido, look at Luigi! This is fantastico! That looks like fun! Mater, I got dibs, next turn! Hey, Luigi, this new road makes your place look like a dump. That crazy old devil woman. Oh! She's right! - Ah! - Guido! Huh. That punk actually did a good job. Well, now... where the heck is he? Sheriff! Is he makin' another run for it? No, no. He ran outta asphalt in the middle of the night, and asked me if he could come down here. All he's tryin' to do is make that there turn. No, no, no, no! Oh, great. Perfect turns on every track I've ever raced on. Sheriff, why don't you go get yourself a quart of oil at Flo's. I'll keep an eye on him. Well, thanks, Doc. I've been feelin' a quart low. This ain't asphalt, son. This is dirt. Oh, great. What do you want? You here to gloat? You don't have three-wheel brakes, so you got to pitch it hard, break it loose and then just drive it with the throttle. Give it too much, you'll be outta the dirt and into the tulips. So you're a judge, a doctor and a racing expert. I'll put it simple. If you're goin' hard enough left, you'll find yourself turning' right. Oh... Right. That makes perfect sense. Turn right to go left! Yes! Thank you! Or should I say, "No, thank you"? Because in Opposite World, maybe that really means, "Thank you"! Crazy grandpa car. What an idiot! Turn right to go left. Hmm... Whoa! Oh! Ow! Oh, that... Ow! Turn right to go left. Guess what. I tried it. You know what? This crazy thing happened... I went right! You keep talkin' to yourself, people'll think you're crazy. - Thanks for the tip. - What? I wasn't talkin' to you! - Oh, Guido, e bellissimo! - Che cosa? - It looks great! This is great! - Ti piace, eh? Si, si, bellissimo. Oh, Lord. Mater! I need you to watch the prisoner tonight. Well, dad-gum! Wait a minute. What if he tries to run again? Just let him run outta gas and tow him on back. - But keep an eye on him. - Yes, sir! Oh... While I'm stuck here paving this stinkin' road, Chick's in California schmoozing Dinoco. My Dinoco. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's touching me? You have a slow leak. Guido, he fix. You make-a such a nice new road. You come to my shop. Luigi take-a good care of you. Even though you not a Ferrari. You buy four tires, I give you a full-a size spare - absolutely free! - Look, I get all my tires for free. I like your style, eh? You drive the hard bargain. OK. Luigi make you a new deal. You buy one tire, I give you three for free! Oh, would you look at that? Ramone, Ramone! Then Luigi make you a new new deal. No, no, no, no. Deal me out. Pass. No, thank you. - No, no, no, no. No. - This is it. My last offer. You buy one tire, I give you seven-a snow tires for free! Done. You interested, you call me. You know where I am. Ah! Stop! Let me... Oh, Red, you missed a spot. See it right there? - No! No! - On the hood right there. Stop, stop! That's cold! Help! Please! Stop! Thanks, Red. What was that for? - Do you want to stay at the Cozy Cone? - Huh? If you do, you gotta be clean. 'Cause even in hillbilly hell we have standards. What, I...? I don't get it. I thought I'd say thank you for doin' a great job. So I thought I'd let you stay with me. I mean, not with me! But there. Not with me there, but there in your own cozy cone. - And I'd be in my cone, and it's... - Wait. Wait, you're being nice to me. If you want to stay at the dirty impound, fine. - I understand you criminal types. - No, no, no, no. That's OK. - Yeah, the Cozy Cone. - It's newly refurbished. Yeah, it's like a clever little twist. The motel's made out of caution cones, which, of course, cars try to avoid. But now we're gonna stay in them. That's funny. Figure that all out on your own, did you? Cone number one, if you want. Oh... Hey, do I spy a little pinstriping tattoo back there? Oh... That's just a... Oh! Oh, you saw that? Yeah. Just gonna be going. Gonna... Yeah. You know, I knew this girl Doreen. Good-lookin' girl. Looked just like a Jaguar, only she was a truck! You know, I used to crash into her, just so I could spoke to her. - What are you talking about? - I don't know. Hey, I know somethin' we can do tonight, 'cause I'm in charge of watching' you! No, Mater, I gotta finish this road, and I have to get out of here. Well, that's all right, Mr. I Can't Turn On Dirt. You probably couldn't handle it anyway. Whoa, whoa, easy now, Mater. You know who you're talkin' to? This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything. - I'm not doin' this. - Come on. You'll love it! - Tractor-tippin's fun. - This is ridiculous. All right, listen. When I say go, we go. But don't let Frank catch you. Go! Whoa! Wait! Who's Frank? Mater! Wait, Mater! OK, here's what you do. You just sneak up in front of 'em, and then honk. And they do the rest. Watch this. Oh! Oh... Oh! Oh... I swear, tractors is so dumb! I tell you what, buddy, it don't get much better than this. Yep, you're livin' the dream, Mater boy. Oh! Oh! Oh... I don't care who you are, that's funny right there. Oh, your turn, bud. Mater, I can't. I don't even have a horn. - Baby. - I'm not a baby. Fine. Stop! Stop, OK? All right. I'll do something. That's Frank. Run! Here he comes, look out! Whoa! Run! He's gonna get ya! Oh! Customers! Oh! Ah, no, no, no. Oof! Oh! Tomorrow night we can go look for the ghostlight! - I can't wait, Mater. - Oh, yeah, I'm tellin' ya! Oh, boy, you gotta admit that was fun! Oh, yeah... yeah. Well, we better get you back to the impound lot. You know, actually, Sally's gonna let me stay at the motel. Oh... - Gettin' cozy at the Cone, is we? - Oh, come... No. No, are you kidding? Besides, she can't stand me. And I don't like her, to be honest. Yeah, you probably right. Hey, look, there's Miss Sally! Where, where? - You're in love with Miss Sally. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you do. - No way. - Way. - Come on, look... - You're in love with Miss Sally! - Real mature. - You're in love! - Real grown up. - You love her. You love her. - Wait... You love her! You love her. You love her. All right. OK. Mater, enough! - Will you stop that? - Stop what? Driving backwards. It's creeping me out. You're gonna wreck. Wreck? Shoot! I'm the world's best backwards driver! You just watch this right here, lover boy. Wee-hee! What are you doing? Watch out! Look out! Mater? Mater! Mater! Hey, take it easy, Mater! Oof! Yee-hee! He's nuts. No need to watch where I'm goin'. Just need to know where I've been. Whoa, that was incredible! How'd you do that? Rearview mirrors. We'll get you some, and I'll teach you if you want. Yeah, maybe I'll use it in my big race. What's so important about this race of yours, anyway? It's not just a race. We're talking about the Piston Cup! I've been dreaming about it my whole life! I'll be the first rookie in history ever to win it. And when I do, we're talkin' big new sponsor, with private helicopters. No more medicated bumper ointment. No more rusty old cars. What's wrong with rusty old cars? Well, I don't mean you, Mater. I mean other old cars. You know? - Not like you. I like you. - It's OK, buddy. Hey, you think maybe one day I can get a ride in one of them helicopters? I mean, I've always wanted to ride in one of them fancy helicopters. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. - You mean it? Oh, yeah. Anything you say. I knew it. I knowed I made a good choice! In what? My best friend. See you tomorrow, buddy! McQueen and Sally parked beneath a tree, K- i-s-somethin'-somethin'-somethin'-t! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Number one. Number one... Ah, number one! - Ah, this is nice. - Hey, Stickers. - I'm sorry. - You scared me. You gotta be careful. I scared myself scaring you scaring me. - I mean, I wasn't like scared scared. - No, of course not. No. - I was more... - I overheard you talkin' to Mater. When? Just now? What, what did, what did you hear? Something about a helicopter ride. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got a kick out of that, didn't he? - Did you mean it? - What? - That you'll get him a ride. - Who knows? First things first. I gotta get outta here and make the race. Uh-huh. You know... Mater trusts you. Yeah, OK. - Did you mean that? - What? Was it just a "Yeah, OK", or "Yeah... OK" or "Yeah, o-OK"? Look, I'm exhausted. It's kinda been a long day. Yeah, OK. G'night. Oh... Hey, thank you. What did you just say? You know, thanks for lettin' me stay here. It's nice to be out of the impound, and this is... It's great. - Newly refurbished, right? - Yeah. - G'night. - Good night. Hmm. Will you turn that disrespectful junk off? Respect the classics, man. It's Hendrix! Ah! No! No! I gotta get outta here! Hey, have you seen the Sheriff? Oh! Oh, my gosh. - Hey, what are you doin'? - Get a good peek, city boy? I just need my daily gas ration from the Sheriff. Wait for him at Flo's. Get outta here. I've been trying to get outta here for three days! Hope you enjoyed the show! Whoa, Doc. Time to clean out the garage, buddy, come on. What? He has a Piston Cup? Oh, my gosh. Three Piston Cups? Sign says stay out. You have three Piston Cups. How could you have... I knew you couldn't drive. I didn't know you couldn't read. - You're the Hudson Hornet! - Wait at Flo's, like I told ya! Of course. I can't believe I didn't see it before. You're The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! You used to hold the record for most wins in a season. Oh, we gotta talk. - You gotta show me your tricks. Please. - I tried that. You won three times! Look at those trophies! You look. All I see is a bunch of empty cups. You know, some automotive yoga could really lower your RPM's, man. Oh, take a car wash, hippie. Yeah, look at my husband, y'all! Whoo! That's your color! - Yellow, baby. - Mmm. You smokin' hot! There he is. Oh, my gosh! Did you know Doc is a famous racecar? - Doc? Our Doc? - Not Doc Hudson. No, no, no, no, it's true! He's a real racing legend. He's The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! Fabulous? I never seen Doc drive more than 20 miles an hour. I mean, have you ever seen him race? No, but I wish I could have. They say he was amazing! - He won three Piston Cups! - He did what in his cup? I think the heat's startin' to get to the boy! Well, I'll say! Look how red he is. I think he needs a new coat of poly, man. - Are you sick, buddy? - You are lookin' peaked. He needs a new coat of poly for sure! - Hey! What are you doin'? - It's OK. You can trust me, right? I trust you, all right. It's him I'm worried about. Hmm... I trust him. - Come on, let's take a drive. - A drive? Yeah, a drive. Don't you big city racecars ever just take a drive? Ah... No. No, we don't. Hey, Stickers! You comin' or what? Mm-hm! - And you thought he was gonna run. - Hey, can you believe it, man? He actually thought Doc was a famous racecar! That's so too much! OK, you got me out here. Where are we goin'? I don't know. Whoa! Yes. Oh! Ah-ha-ha! Bleah! Oh! Wow. What is this place? Wheel Well. Used to be the most popular stop on the mother road. This place? Yeah, imagine. Oh, imagine what it must have been like to stay here. You know, I don't get you. How does a Porsche wind up in a place like this? Well, it's really pretty simple. I was an attorney in LA livin' life in the fast lane, and... Oh, you were, were you? Were you rich? - What? - Just... clues to the puzzle. Yeah, OK. Well, that was my life. And you know what? It never felt... happy. Yeah. I mean... really? Yeah. So I left California. Just drove and drove and finally broke down right here. Doc fixed me up, Flo took me in. Well, they all did. And I never left. Yeah. You know, I understand. You need a little R and R. Recharge the old batteries. But you know, after a while, why didn't you go back? I fell in love. - Oh. - Yep. - Corvette? - No. I fell in love with this. Whoa. Look at that. Look, they're drivin' right by. They don't even know what they're missing! Well, it didn't used to be that way. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Forty years ago, that Interstate down there didn't exist. Really? Yeah. Back then, cars came across the country a whole different way. How do you mean? The road didn't cut through the land like that Interstate. It moved with the land, you know? It rose, it fell, it curved. - Mornin'! - Nice day, huh? Cars didn't drive on it to make great time. They drove on it to have a great time. Well, what happened? The town got bypassed just to save ten minutes of driving. How great would it have been to see this place in its heyday! Oh, I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed of that. But one of these days we'll find a way to get it back on the map. Yeah. Hey, listen, thanks for the drive. I had a great time. It's kinda nice to slow down every once in a while. You're welcome. Hey, listen, listen! If anybody asks you, we was out smashing' mailboxes, OK? Wha... what? Oh, man, the paint's still wet! No, no, no, no! Get out of the store! Hey! Don't eat the radial! Here, take-a the snow tires. - Mater! - I wasn't tractor-tippin'! Then where did all these gol-durn tractors come from? - Whoa, boy! - Hey! Hey, guys! There's one goin' this way. I got it. Come here, little tractor, come here. Yeah, that's a good tractor. No, no, no, no, come here. What are you doing? You're not supposed to go wandering off all alone. What are you doin' with those old racing' tires? Come on, Doc, drive. Ah... Yeah. - Wow. - Huh? You're amazing! What are you doin'? Doc, wait! Giddup right in there! Come on, Rusty. Doc, hold it! Seriously, your driving's incredible! - Wonderful. Now, go away. - Hey, I mean it. You've still got it! - I'm askin' you to leave. - Come on. I'm a racecar, you're a much older racecar, but under the hood you and I are the same. We are not the same! Understand? Now, get out. How could a car like you quit at the top of your game? You think I quit? Right. Your big wreck in '54. They quit on me. When I finally got put together, I went back expecting a big welcome. You know what they said? "You're history. " Moved right on to the next rookie standing in line. There was a lot left in me. I never got a chance to show 'em. I keep that to remind me never to go back. I just never expected that that world would would find me here. - Hey, look, Doc, I'm not them. - Oh, yeah? No, I'm not. When is the last time you cared about something except yourself, hot rod? You name me one time and I will take it all back. Uh-huh. I didn't think so. These are good folk around here, who care about one another. I don't want 'em depending on someone they can't count on. Oh, like you? You've been here how long and your friends don't even know who you are? Who's caring about only himself? Just finish that road and get outta here! Will you turn that disrespectful junk off? Respect the classics, man. Ah... He's done. He must've finished it while we was all sleeping'. Good riddance. He's gone? Well, we wouldn't want him to miss that race of his. - Oh, dude, are you crying? - No! I'm happy! I don't have to watch him every second of the day anymore! I'm glad he's gone! What's wrong with Red? Oh, he's just sad 'cause you left town and went to your big race to win the Piston Cup that you've always dreamed about your whole life and get that big ol' sponsor and that fancy helicopter you was talkin' about. Wait a minute! I knowed you wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. What are you doin' here? You're gonna miss your race. Don't worry. I'll give you a police escort, and we'll make up time. Thank you, Sheriff. But you know I can't go just yet. Well, why not? I'm not sure these tires can get me to California. - Peet stop? Yeah, does anybody know what time Luigi's opens? I can't-a believe it! Four new tires! I can't-a believe it! Four new tires! Grazie, Mr. Lightning. Grazie! - Would you look at that! - Our first customer in years! I am filled with tears of ecstasy, for this is the most glorious day of my life! All right, Luigi, give me the best set of blackwalls you've got. No! No, no, no. You don't-a know what you want. Luigi know what you want. Blackwall tires. They blend into the pavement. But-a this... Whitewall tires! They say, "Look at me! Here I am! Love me. " All right, you're the expert. Don't forget the spare. - Perfetto. Guido! - Peet stop! What did Luigi tell you, eh? Wow, you were right. Better than a Ferrari, huh? Eh... No. Wow! This organic fuel is great! Why haven't I heard about it before? It's a conspiracy, man! The oil companies got a grip on the government! They're feedin' us a bunch of lies, man. OK, I'll take a case. Ow! Eh! Ah... Yeah. Ka-chow. - Here she comes! - Places, everybody. Hurry! Act natural. - Hi, Sally. - Buon giorno! All right, what's goin' on? Ladies and gentlecars, please welcome the new Lightning McQueen! Pow! What do you think? Radiator Springs looks pretty good on me. I'll say. Ka-chow. You're gonna fit right in in California. My goodness. It looks like you've helped everybody in town. Yeah, everybody except one. - Hey, is it getting dark out? - What? What'd he say? Let me say that again. Is it getting dark out? Now, what was I supposed to do after that? They fixed their neon! - Low and slow? - Oh, yeah, baby! Just like in its heyday, right? It's even better than I pictured it. Thank you. Shall we cruise? Oh, thank you, dear. I'd love to! - No, no, no. - Lizzie! I remember when Stanley first asked me to take a drive with him. Hey, Miss Sally. May I have this cruise? - Of course, Mater. - Uh-uh-uh! ...and again and I said, "No. " He asked me again, and I said, "No. " But, oh, he was a persistent little bugger for a two-cylinder. Finally I said, "All right, one little drive. " Oh! - Hey! - Thanks, Mater. Good evenin', you two. Oh, Stanley, I wish you could see this. - Is that what I think it is? - Oh, I don't know, Flo. I haven't had a chance to find out. But I am going to find out. Hello. Not that. That. Customers? Customers? Customers, everybody! And a lot of 'em! You know what to do. Just like we rehearsed. It's the ghostlight! We have found McQueen. We have found McQueen! McQueen, over here! - Wait, excuse me. - Is it true you've been in rehab? - Did you have a nervous breakdown? - What? - McQueen's wearing whitewalls! - Your tires balding? Stickers! - Was McQueen your prisoner? - Shoot, no! We're best buds! I ain't braggin' or nothin', but I was in charge of hunting' him down if he tried to escape. Sally! Sally! Will you still race for the Piston Cup? - Stickers? - Sally! Come on, give us some bolt! You're here! Thank the manufacturer! You're alive! - Mack? - You're here! I can't believe it! You are a sight for sore headlights! I'm so sorry I lost you, boss. I'll make it up to you! Mack, I, I can't believe you're here. Is that the world's fastest racing machine? - Is that Harv? - Yeah. He's in the back. - Show us the bolt! - Get back, you oil-thirsty parasites! - Where's the old McQueen? - Actually, this is my good side here. - Harv! Harv! - Give us the bolt! - Harv? - Come on! - Kid, I'm over here! - How you doin', buddy? My star client disappears off the face of the earth! - How do you think I'm doing? - I can explain. I'm doing great! You're everywhere! Radio, TV, the papers! You can't buy this kind of publicity! What do you need me for? That's just a figure of speech, by the way. You signed a contract. Where are you? I can't even find you on my GPS. I'm in this little town called Radiator Springs. - You know Route 66? It's still here! - Yeah, that's great, kid. Playtime is over, pal. While the world's been trying to find you Dinoco has had no one to woo. - Who are they gonna woo? - Chick! Bingo. In fact, check out what's on the plasma right now. - Show us the thunder! - You want thunder? You want thunder? Ka-chicka, ka-chicka! - Hey, that's my bit! - You've gotta get to Cali, pronto! Just get out of Radiation Stinks now, or Dinoco is history, you hear me? Just give me a second here, Harv. No, wait. Where are you goin'? Get in the trailer, baby. Kid! You want a bigger trailer? Sally, I... I want you to... Look, I wish... Thank you. Thanks for everything. - It was just a road. - No. It was much more than that. Hey, kid! We gotta go. Harv's goin' crazy! He's gonna have me fired if I don't get you in the truck right now! - Mack, just... hold it for... - You should go. - I know, but... - Good luck in California. I hope you find what you're looking for. - McQueen, come on! - Sally... - Sally! - Show us the bolt, McQueen! The bolt! Hey, Lightning, show us the bolt! - Come on, get in the trailer. - Where's the old McQueen? - The bolt! - That's it. That's right, let's go! You're a big shining star. You're a superstar. You don't belong there, anyway. Whoa... Wait... Whoa, whoa, wait, wait! Hey, guys! McQueen's leavin' in the truck! Hey, are you Doc Hudson? - Yeah. - Thanks for the call. - You called them? - It's best for everyone, Sally. Best for everyone or best for you? I didn't get to say goodbye to him. Hello, race fans. Welcome to what has become, quite simply, the biggest event in the history of racing. A three-way battle for the Piston Cup! There's a crowd of nearly 200,000 cars here at the Los Angeles International Speedway. Tickets to this race are hotter than a black leather seat on a hot summer day! The King, Chick Hicks and Lightning McQueen in a 200 lap, winner-takes-all, tiebreaker race. I got a lotta miles on me, but let me tell you somethin'. I never thought I'd see anything like this. This is exciting! In fact, the country has almost shut down to watch what many experts are calling "the race of the century. " Hey, King! Good luck in your last race. - You've sure been an inspiration to me. - Thanks, Junior. Appreciate it. - Hey, be careful out there, OK? - Yeah, man. He's hot! Wanna know the forecast? I'll give you the forecast. A 100 percent chance of thunder! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Say it with me! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Hey, you! No admittance without a garage pass. Oh, it's OK. Lightning McQueen knows me! Hey, Marco, it's a beautiful day for a race, isn't it? - Absolutely, Mr. Andretti. - And good morning to you, Fred. Mario Andretti knows my name! You gotta let me in now! Sorry, pal. OK, here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. Victory. One winner, two losers. Speed. Speed. Speed. Speed... Lightnin'! You ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm ready. Mack, thanks for being my pit crew today. Don't worry about it, kid. It's the least I could do. After all, "Gas Can" is my middle name. - It is? - Ah... Not really. Uh-oh Nelson! Zoom in. Ready, 16? Take 16. And there he is, Lightning McQueen! Missing all week, and then he turns up in the middle of nowhere! In a little town called Radiator Springs. Wearin' whitewall tires, of all things. - Oh! - Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Hey, where you been? I've been kinda lonely. Nobody to hang out with. I mean, except the Dinoco folks. And the twins. Of course. The ones that used to be your fans, but now they're my fans. Listen to what the twins think... Agh! Shoot! Boogity, boogity, boogity, boys! Let's go racin'! Come on, you can do it! Come on, King, make us proud, boy! Fifty laps down, and The King is still holding a slim lead. McQueen's got a run on him! He's lookin' to the inside! Oh! Chick slammed the door on him! Chick's not making it easy on him today. He lost momentum, and now he's gonna have to chase him back down! McQueen spins out in the infield! Just me and the old man, fellas. McQueen just doesn't have it today. - Hey, kid, are you all right? - I don't know, Mack. I don't think I... I didn't come all this way to see you quit. Doc? Guys, you're here! I can't believe this! I knew you needed a crew chief, but I didn't know it was this bad. You said you'd never come back. Well, I really didn't have a choice. Mater didn't get to say goodbye. Goodbye! OK, I'm good. All right, if you can drive as good as you can fix a road then you can win this race with your eyes shut. Now, get back out there! Hot snot, we are back in business! Guido! Luigi! You're goin' up against professional pit crews. - You're gonna have to be fast. - They will not know what bit them! Kid, you can beat these guys. Find a groove that works for you and get that lap back. - Is it? - Oh, wow. That's him! Is that...? That's the Hudson Hornet! The Hudson Hornet's back! It appears McQueen has got himself a pit crew. And look who he has for a crew chief! - Look, man. It's the Hudson Hornet! - Whoa! Well, dip me in axle grease and call me Slick! It surely is. Wow, this is history in the making. Nobody has seen the racing legend in over 50 years! Hey, Doc! Come look at this fellow on the radio. He looks just like you. - McQueen passes on the inside! - He's nearly a lap down. Can he catch up to them with only 60 laps to go? You're goin' great, kid. Just keep your head on. Vai! Vai, vai! Hey, shrimpie, where did McQueen find you, huh? Those round things are called tires, and they go under the car! Con chi credi di parlare? Ma, con chi stai parlando? No! No, no! You'll have your chance. You will have your chance. Oh, kid's just tryin' to be a hero, huh? What do you think of this? Yeah, that's it, kid. What? Whoa! Git-R-done! - I taught him that. Ka-chow! - Ah! What a move by McQueen! He's caught up to the leaders. Yeah. This is what it's all about. A three-way battle for the lead, with ten to go! Look at that boy go out there! Oh! No, you don't. Doc, I'm flat! I'm flat! - Can you get back to the pits? - Yeah, yeah. I think so. Hey, got a yellow. Bring it in. Don't tear yourself up, kid. We gotta get him back out there fast or we're gonna be a lap down, and we'll never win this race! Guido! It's time. Hey, tiny, you gonna clean his windshield? I don't believe it! That was the fastest pit stop I've ever seen! It was a great stop, but he's still gotta beat that pace car! It's gonna be close. Yeah, baby! He's back in! Peet stop. - Guido, you did it! - Way to go, Guido! This is it. We're heading into the final lap and McQueen is right behind the leaders. What a comeback! A hundred and ninety-nine laps! It all comes down to this! This is it, kiddo. You've got four turns left. One at a time. Drive it in deep and hope it sticks. Go! We'll see about that! McQueen's going inside! - Chick and King are loose! - I think McQueen's out! - McQueen saved it! - He's back on the track! - Float like a Cadillac... - Sting like a Beemer! Ka-chow! Ka-chow! Ka... Lightning McQueen is gonna win the Piston Cup! Come on! You got it! You got it, Stickers! I am not comin' in behind you again, old man. Oh, no! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! I won, baby! Yeah! Oh, yeah! What's he up to, Doc? What are you doin', kid? I think The King should finish his last race. You just gave up the Piston Cup, you know that? This grumpy old racecar I know once told me somethin'. It's just an empty cup. Darrell, is pushing on the last lap legal? He's not really pushing' him. He's just givin' him a little bump draft. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey. What? What's goin' on? That's what I call racing'. - Bravo il mio amico! - Way to go, buddy! There's a lotta love out there, you know, man? - Don't embarrass me, Fillmore. - That's my hot rod. Come on, baby, bring it out! Bring out the Piston Cup! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Yeah! Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! Hey, how come the only one celebrating is me, huh? Where are the girls? Bring on the confetti! Ow! Ow! Easy with the confetti. What's goin' on? Come on, snap some pictures. I gotta go sign my deal with Dinoco! Say it with me. Ka-chicka! - Boo! - Boo! What's wrong with everybody? Where's the happiness? Hey! This is the start of the Chick era! - Thanks, Lightnin'. - You're welcome. - Way to go, King! - You're still the car! You're The King! Yeah! - You made us proud, kid! - Congrats on the loss, me bucko! You got a lotta stuff, kid. Thanks, Doc. Hey, Lightnin'. How 'bout comin' over here and talk to me a minute? Son, that was some real racing' out there. How'd you like to become the new face of Dinoco? But I didn't win. Lightnin', there's a whole lot more to racing' than just winning'. He was so rusty, when he drove down the street buzzards used to circle the car! Thank you, Mr. Tex, but but these Rust-eze guys over there gave me my big break. I'm gonna stick with them. Well, I sure can respect that. Still, you know, if there's ever anything I can do for you, just let me know. I sure appreciate that. Thank you. Actually, there is one thing. Whoo-hoo! Hey, look at me! I'm flyin', by golly! I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park! I think it's about-a time we redecorate. Hi. Lightning McQueen told me this was the best place in the world to get tires. How 'bout setting me and my friends up with three or four sets each? Guido! There is a real Michael Schumacher Ferrari in my store. A real Ferrari! Punch me, Guido. Punch me in the face. This is the most glorious day of my life. Wow. Spero che il tuo amico si riprenda. Mi dicono che siete fantastici. Just passin' through? Actually, I thought I'd stop and stay awhile. - I hear this place is back on the map. - It is? There's some rumor floating around that some hotshot Piston Cup racecar is setting up his big racing headquarters here. Really? Ah, well, there goes the town. You know, I really missed you, Sally. Well, I create feelings in others they themselves don't understand and, blah, blah, blah. McQueen and Sally parked beneath the tree, K- i-s-s... uh... i- n-t! Great timing, Mater! Hep-non, hip-hep, hi-li-lilly! Whee! He's my best friend. What're you gonna do? So, Stickers, last one to Flo's buys? I don't know. Why don't we just take a drive? Hmm... Nah. Yeah! Ka-chow! Ah-choo! All right, everybody please keep together now. We is now entering the Doc Hudson wing of the museum. Wow. Unbelievable. That many wins in a single season. He's the real deal, Junior. The Hudson Hornet was my inspiration. Excuse me, son. Is Doc Hudson here today? Sorry, Mrs. The King, I think Doc went out for a drive or somethin'. - Whoo! Whoo! - Yeah! Well, you sure ain't no dirt boy. Not today, old man. I know all your tricks. Doc! Doc! Whoo-ah! Not all my tricks, rookie! Attention! Kiss the pavement goodbye. When I'm finished, you'll have mud in places you didn't know you had! - Yo, I've never been off-road! - Well, that's gonna change right now! About face! Drop and give me 20 miles! Go! Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! Man, now I got dirt in my rims! Huh? Look at this! It's my hood! It's my hood! I ain't seen this thing in 20 years! Well, it fits perfectly. How do I look? Ah-choo! Oh, dang. You are a toy car! You are a sad, strange little wagon and you have my pity. Farewell. Oh, yeah? Well, good riddance, you loony! Hey, I hate to break up the road rally, guys, but they're here! Birthday guests at three o'clock! Oh, man! Whoever does the voice of that piggy truck, I'm tellin' ya, he's one great actor! We're banished, genius! Stuck here in this wasteland without chains! But, Mike, the Boomobile's in trouble! She needs our help! - You're still not listening! - Ah! Welcome to the Himalayas! Snow cone? Oh, that Abominable Snowplow is quite the comic thespian! Just get in there. Go! Go, go, go! Circus cars? How can you be circus cars? These are the lousiest circus cars in the world, and they're gonna make me rich! Wait a minute here. They're just usin' the same actor over and over. What kind of a cut-rate production is this? Oh, for the love of Chrysler, can we please ask someone for directions? No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! أنه Ù... Ø¬Ø±Ø � Ù... 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(ØaمØaØ1 Ø �وقØaك يا (Ù…ÙŠØ �ر ماذا ØaØ1ملي , إنه Ø�Ø �يقي الأفضل إذا يا ذو اللواØ�ق من يØ�ل أخيراً ÙŠØ �Øaري الØ2يØa ؟ لØ3Øa Ø£Ø1ل٠لما لا نقوم Ø �أخذ نØ2هة فقط ؟ هممم , لا [Inhaling and exhaling deeply] [Male] OK... Here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. [Cars whizzing past] One winner, 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast. [Car accelerating] Breakfast. Wait, maybe I should have had breakfast. A little breck-y could be good for me. No, no, no, stay focused. Speed. [Cars whizzing] I'm faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I am lightning! [Pounding on door] [Male] Hey, Lightning! You ready? [# Sheryl Crow: Real Gone] Oh, yeah. Lightning's ready [engine rewing] [Engine revs] [Crowd cheers] Ka-chow! [Cars zooming] [Cars whooshing] [Both scream] [All cheer] Get your antenna balls here! Go, Lightnin'! - Whoo! - You got that right, slick. [whistles] [Air wrench whirring] Uh! [screams] [Engine revs] - [Male] Welcome back to the Dinoco 400. - [Crowd cheers] I'm Bob Cutlass, here with my good friend, Darrell Cartrip. We're midway through what may be an historic day for racing. Bob, my oil pressure's through the roof If this gets more exciting, they're gonna have to tow me outta the booth! Right, Darrell. [Bob] Three cars are tied for the season points lead, heading into the final race of the season. And the winner of this race will win the season title and the Piston Cup. Does The King, Strip Weathers, have one more victory in him before retirement? [Darrell] He's been Dinoco's golden boy for years! Can he win them one last Piston Cup? [Bob] And, as always, in the second place spot we find Chick Hicks. He's been chasing that tailfin his entire career. [Darrell] Chick thought this was his year. His chance to finally emerge from The King's shadow. But the last thing he expected was... Lightning McQueen! [Bob] You know, I don't think anybody expected this. The rookie sensation came into the season unknown. But everyone knows him now. [Darrell] Will he be the first rookie to win a Piston Cup and land Dinoco? [Bob] The legend, the runner-up, and the rookie! Three cars, one champion! [Breaks screeching] No you don't. - [Chuckling] - Hey! - [Tires squealing] - [Crowd booing] What a ride! [Chuckling] Go get 'em, McQueen! Go get 'em! [Female] I love you, Lightning! - Dinoco is all mine. - [Screaming] [Darrell] Trouble, turn three! - Get through that, McQueen. - [Bob] Huge crash behind the leaders! [Crowd gasps] [Screaming] [Giggling] - [Grunts] - [Gasps] [Both screaming] [Bob] Wait a second, Darrell. McQueen is in the wreckage. [Darrell] There's no way the rookie can make it through! Not in one piece, that is. [Exhaling] Yeah! Lightning! Oh! [Darrell] Look at that! McQueen made it through! [Bob] A spectacular move by Lightning McQueen! Yeah! Ka-chow! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! McQueen! Yeah, McQueen! Ka-chow! [honking] [Bob] While everyone heads into the pits, McQueen stays out to take the lead! Don't take me out, coach. I can still race! [Air wrench whirring] [Chuckling] What do you think? A thing of beauty. - McQueen made it! - [Chick] What? He's not pitting! You gotta get me out there! Let's go! Get me back out there! McQueen's not going into the pits! [Darrell] The rookie fired his crew chief. The third this season! - [Bob] Says he likes working alone. - Go, go! Looks like Chick got caught up in the pits. Yeah, after a stop like that, he's got a lot of ground to make up. Get ready, boys, we're coming to the restart! [Crowd cheers] Come on, come on, come on! We need tires now! Come on, let's go! - No, no, no, no! No tires, just gas! - [Male] What? You need tires, you idiot! [Darrell] Looks like it's gas-and-go's for McQueen today. [Bob] Right. No tires again. [Darrell] That's a short-term gain, long-term loss, but it's workin' for him. He obviously knows somethin' we don't know. [Cars whizzing] [Bob] This is it, Darrell. One lap to go and Lightning McQueen has a huge lead. He's got it in the bag. Call in the dogs and put out the fire! We're gonna crown us a new champion! [Crowd cheers and whistles] [Screaming] - Checkered flag, here I come! - [Tire blows] [Darrell] No! McQueen's blown a tire! [Bob] And with only one turn to go! Can he make it? - You fool! - [Grunts] [Male] McQueen's blown a tire! He's blown a tire! Go, go, go! - [Grunting] - [Tire blows] [Darrell] He's lost another tire! - King and Chick come up fast! - [Bob] They're entering turn three! Come on. [grunting] I don't believe what I'm watching, Bob! Lightning McQueen is 100 feet from his Piston Cup! [Gasping] [Growling] [Bob] The King and Chick rounding turn four. [Darrell] Down the stretch they come! And it's, and it's... - It's too close to call! Too close! - I don't believe it! Lightning! - The most spectacular, amazing... - I don't believe it! ...unequivocally, unbelievable ending in the history of the world! - And we don't know who won! - Look at that! [Tape jittering] [Slow motion drone] - That's very close to call. - Can we play that again? Hey, no cameras! Get outta here! We're here in Victory Lane, awaiting the results. We're here in Victory Lane, awaiting the results. McQueen, that was a risky move, not taking tires. Tell me about it! Are you sorry you didn't have a crew chief out there? Oh, Kori. There's a lot more to racing than just winning. I mean, taking the race by a full lap... Where's the entertainment in that? I wanted to give folks a little sizzle. - Sizzle? - Am I sorry I don't have a crew chief? No, I'm not. 'Cause I'm a one-man show. What? Oh, yeah, right. That was a confident Lightning McQueen. Live from Victory Lane, I'm Kori Turbowitz. - Get outta the shot. - Yo, Chuck. Chuck, what are you doing? You're blocking' the camera! - Everyone wants to see the bolt. - What? - Now, back away. - That's it! Come on, guys. - Whoa, team! Where are you going? - We quit, Mr. One-Man Show! Oh, OK, leave. Fine. How will I ever find anyone else who knows how to fill me up with gas? [Crowd laughs] - Adios, Chuck! - And my name is not Chuck! Oh, whatever. Hey, Lightning! Yo! McQueen! Seriously, that was some pretty darn nice racing' out there. - By me! - Oh, yeah. - Zinger! - Welcome to the Chick era, baby! The Piston Cup... It's mine, dude. It's mine. Hey, fellas, how do you think I'd look in Dinoco blue? Dinoco blue! In your dreams, Thunder. Yeah, right. Thunder? What's he talkin' about, "Thunder"? You know, 'cause thunder always comes after lightning. Ka-ping! Ka-pow! - Who knew about the thunder thing? - I didn't. - Give us the bolt! - That's right. Right in the lens. - Show me the bolt, baby! - Smile, McQueen! - Show me the bolt, McQueen! - That's it! [Electronic music] [Crowd chattering] That was one close finish. You sure made Dinoco proud. Thank you, King. Well, Tex, you've been good to me all these years. It's the least I could do. Whatever happens, you're a winner to me, you old daddy rabbit. Thanks, dear. Wouldn't be nothing without you. Kch-i-ka-chow! - I'm Mia. - I'm Tia. [Both] We're, like, your biggest fans! Ka-chow! I love being me. - [Police] OK, girls, that's it. - We love you, Lightning! [Chuckles] Hey, buddy. You're one gutsy racer. Oh, hey, Mr. The King. You got more talent in one lug nut than a lot of cars has got in their whole body. - Really? Oh, that... - But you're stupid. - Excuse me? - This ain't a one-man deal, kid. You need to wise up and get a good crew chief and a good team. You ain't gonna win unless you got good folks behind you, [voice dwindling] and you let them do their job, like they should. - Like I tell the boys at the shop... - A good team. - Yeah... - [electronic music] Ka-chow! Ka-pow! [Crowd cheering] [Screaming] [Cheering] Oh, Lightning! If you figure that out you just gonna be OK. Oh, yeah, that... That is spectacular advice. Thank you, Mr. The King. - [Fanfare] - [Bob] Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Piston Cup history... [rewing] A rookie has won the Piston Cup. Yes! [Bob]... we have a three-way tie. - [Crowd cheers] - [Cameras flash] [Chuckling] Hey, that must be really embarrassing. But I wouldn't worry about it. Because I didn't do it! [Bob] Piston Cup officials have determined that a tiebreaker race between the three leaders will be held in California in one week. Well, thank you! Thanks to all of you out there! Thank you! [Whispering] Hey, first one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. No, not me! No, you rock, and you know that! Oh, yeah! Whoo! Yep! All right! Got it! "First one to California gets Dinoco all to himself." Oh, we'll see who gets there first, Chick. Huh? - Hey, kid! Congrats on the tie. - I don't want to talk about it. Let's go, Mack. Saddle up. What'd you do with my trailer? - I parked it at your sponsor's tent. - What? Gotta make your personal appearance. No. No! No, no, no, no! Yes, yes, yes! Lightning McQueen here. And I use Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment, new rear end formula! Nothing soothes a rusty bumper like Rust-eze. Wow! Look at that shine! Use Rust-eze and you too can look like me! Ka-chow! [Both laughing] I met this car from Swampscott. He was so rusty he didn't even cast a shadow. - You could see his dirty undercarriage. - [Crowd laughs] [Groaning] I hate rusty cars. This is not good for my image. They did give you your big break. Besides, it's in your contract. Oh, will you stop, please? Just go get hooked up. - Winter is a grand old time. - Of this there are no ifs or buts. [Male 1] But remember, all that salt and grime... Can rust your bolts and freeze your... Hey, look! There he is! Our almost champ! [Male 1] Get your rear end in here. Lightning McQueen, you are wicked fast! - That race was a pisser! - You were booking! - Give me a little room. - You're my hero! Yes, I know. [chuckles] "Fred." Fred, thank you. He knows my name. He knows my name! Looking good, Freddie! Thanks to you, Lightning, we had a banner year! We might clear enough to buy you some headlights. You saying he doesn't have headlights? That's what I'm telling ya. They're stickers! Well, you know, racecars don't need headlights, because the track is always lit. Yeah, well, so is my brother, but he still needs headlights. [Laughing] [Forced laughter] - Ladies and gentlemen, - [both] Lightning McQueen! [Crickets chirping] Free Bird! You know, the Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment team ran a great race today. And remember, with a little Rust-eze... [whispering] And an insane amount of luck, ...you too, can look like me. Ka-chow. - Hey, kid. - We love ya. And we're looking forward to another great year. Just like this year! Not on your life. - Don't drive like my brother! - Yeah, don't drive like my brother! California, here we come! Dinoco, here we come! [# Rascal Flatts: Life is a Highway] [Birds chirping] [Phone ringing] [Moaning] Oh... oh... uh, I needed this. Hello? [Male] Is this Lightning McQueen, the world's fastest racing machine? Is this Harv, the world's greatest agent? And it is such an honor to be your agent that it almost hurts me to take ten percent of your winnings. Merchandising. And ancillary rights in perpetuity. Anyway, what a race, champ! I didn't see it, but I heard you were great. Thanks, Harv. Listen, they're giving you 20 tickets for the tiebreaker thing in Cali. I'll pass 'em on to your friends. Shoot me the names. - You let Harv rock it for you, baby. - Right. Friends. Yes, there's... OK, I get it, Mr. Popular. So many you can't even narrow it down. Hey, when you get to town, you better make time for your best friend! Break bread with your mishpocheh here! That'd be great! We should totally... OK, I gotta jump, kid. Let me know how it goes. I'm out. - [dial tone hums] - [Sighing] - [melodic beeping] - [Wheels squeaking] [Lightning] What? A minivan? Come on, you're in the slow lane. This is Lightning McQueen you're hauling here. Just stopping off for a quick breather, kid. - Old Mack needs a rest. - Absolutely not. We're driving all night till we get to California. We agreed to it. All night? May I remind you federal DOT regs state... Come on, I need to get there before Chick and hang with Dinoco. [Mack groans] All those sleeping trucks. Hey, kid, I don't know if I can make it. Oh, sure you can, Mack. Look, it'll be easy. I'll stay up with you. - All night? - All night long. [Snoring] [Engines slowing] [Snoring, gasping, blubbering] [Grunting] [Snoring] Uh! [Blubbering] - [Rap music] - [Engines rewing] [Sniffing] Ah-choo! [Laughing] - Hey, yo, D.J. - What up? - We got ourselves a nodder. - [Chuckling] [# Kenny G: Songbird] Pretty music. [snoring] Yo, Wingo! Lane change, man. - Right back at ya! - Yeah! - Oops! I missed. - You going on vacation? [All laugh] [Snoring] [Snoring] - [Chuckling] - [Sniffling] - Oh, no, Snot Rod... - He's gonna blow! Ah... Ah... Ah-choo! Gesundheit! One should never drive while drowsy. - [Tires squealing] - [Horns honking] - [Honking loudly] - [Screaming] - Uh! Ah! - [All honking] [Breathing heavily] Mack! - [Grunting] - [Horns honking] Mack! Mack! Hey, Mack! Mack! Mack! Mack, wait for me! [engine rewing] [Tires squealing] Mack! [Bell ringing] [Horn bellowing] Mack! Mack! Mack! Mack wait up! [coughing] Mack. Mack! Mack! What? You're not Mack. Mack? I ain't no Mack! I'm a Peterbilt, for dang sake! [Peterbilt] Turn on your lights, you moron! Mack... The Interstate! [Tires squealing] - [Engine roaring] - Huh? Not in my town, you don't. [Siren wailing] Oh, no. - Oh, maybe he can help me! - [Sheriff backfiring] He's shooting at me! Why is he shooting at me? [Backfiring] I haven't gone this fast in years. [Grunting] I'm gonna blow a gasket or somethin'. Serpentine! Serpentine, serpentine! What in the blue blazes? Crazy hot-rodder. [Siren continues wailing] [# Hank Williams: My Heart Would Know] [Buzzing] [Water hose turning on] [Snoring] I'm telling you, man, every third blink is slower. The sixties weren't good to you, were they? [Car backfires] [Sirens blasting] What? That's not the Interstate! - [Sheriff backfires] - Ah! Oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - [Screaming] - [Tires screeching] No, no, no, no, no, no! Ow! I'm not the only one seeing this, right? - Incoming! - Whoa, man. - No! - Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My tires! - [Grunting] - [Gasping] - [Screaming] - [Gasping] - [Tires squealing] - [Cables vibrating] [Yelling] [Shouting] [Screaming] - [Cables whizzing] - [Straining] Fly away, Stanley. Be free! [Gasping] [Breathing heavily] Boy, you're in a heap of trouble. [Sighing] We're live at the Los Angeles International Speedway as the first competitor, Lightning McQueen, is arriving at the track. Is it true he's gonna pose for Cargirl? What's your strategy? - [Crowd gasps] - [Cameras clicking] What? Did I forget to wipe my mud flaps? McQueen's driver arrived in California, but McQueen was missing. - McQueen was reported missing. - ... to race an unprecedented... [male] Sponsor stated they have no idea where he is. I hope Lightning's OK. I'd hate to see anything bad happen to him. I don't know what's harder to find, McQueen or a chief who'll work with him! [German accent] Lightning McQueen must be found at all costs! They're all asking the same question: Where is McQueen? [Groaning] Oh, boy. Where am I? - Mornin', sleepin' beauty! - Ah! Boy, I was wonderin' when you was gonna wake up. Take whatever you want! Just don't hurt me! A parking boot? Why do I have a parking boot on? - What's going on here? Please! - [Chuckling] You're funny. I like you already. My name's Mater. Mater? Yeah, like "tuh-mater," but without the "tuh". - What's your name? - You don't know my name? Uh... No, I know your name. Is your name Mater too? What? Look, I need to get to California as fast as possible. Where am I? Where are you? Shoot! You're in Radiator Springs. The cutest little town in Carburetor County. Oh, great. Just great! Well, if you think that's great, you should see the rest of the town. You know, I'd love to see the rest of the town! So if you could just open the gate, take this boot off, you and me, we go cruisin', check out the local scene... - Dad-gum! - How'd that be, Tuhmater? - Cool! - Mater! What did I tell you about talkin' to the accused? To not to. Well, quit your yappin' and tow this delinquent road hazard to traffic court. Well, we'll talk later, Mater. [Chuckling] "Later, Mater." That's funny! Ah! [Sheriff] The Radiator Springs Traffic Court will come to order! Hey, you scratched my paint! I oughta take a blowtorch to you, man! You broke-a the road! You a very bad car! - Fascist! - Commie! Officer, talk to me, babe. How long is this gonna take? I gotta get to California, pronto. Where's your lawyer? I don't know. Tahiti maybe. He's got a timeshare there. When a defendant has no lawyer, the court will assign one to him. Hey! Anyone want to be his lawyer? Shoot, I'll do it, Sheriff! All rise! The Honorable Doc Hudson presiding. Show-off. - May Doc have mercy on your soul. - [Door banging] - [Gasping] - All right, I wanna know who's responsible for wrecking' my town, Sheriff. I want his hood on a platter! I'm gonna put him in jail till he rots! No, check that. I'm gonna put him in jail till the jail rots on top of him, and then I'm gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot. I'm... Throw him out of here, Sheriff. I want him out of my courtroom. I want him out of our town! - Case dismissed. - Yes! Boy, I'm purty good at this lawyering' stuff. Sorry I'm late, Your Honor! Holy Porsche! She's gotta be from my attorney's office. Hey, thanks for comin', but we're all set. - He's letting me go. - He's letting you go? Yeah, your job's pretty easy today. All you have to do now is stand there and let me look at you. Listen, I'm gonna cut to the chase. Me, you, dinner. Pi-cha-kow! - What the? Ow! Oh! - Ka-chow! - Please! - I know. I get that reaction a lot. I create feelings in others that they themselves don't understand. - [Rewing] - Agh! Ow! Oh, I'm sorry. Did I scare you? A little bit, but I'll be all right. OK. I'm gonna go talk to the judge. Do what you gotta do, baby. But listen. Be careful. Folks around here are not firing on all cylinders, if you know what I mean. Ka-ching! Ah! I'll keep that in mind. - Hey there, Mater. - Howdy, Sally. - Hi, folks! - Good morning! You know her? She's the town attorney and my fiancée. What? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. She just likes me for my body. You look great. You do something different with your side view mirrors? What do you want, Sally? [Sighing] Come on, make this guy fix the road. The town needs this. No. I know his type. Racecar. That's the last thing this town needs. OK, I didn't want to have to do this, Doc, but you leave me no choice. Fellow citizens, you're all aware of our town's proud history. Here she goes again. Radiator Springs, the glorious jewel strung on the necklace of Route 66, the mother road! It is our job and our pleasure to take care of the travelers - on our stretch of that road. - Travelers? What travelers? Ignore him. But how, I ask you, are we to care for those travelers if there is no road for them to drive on? - Luigi, what do you have at your store? - Tires. And if no one can get to you? I won't sell any... tires. I will lose everything! - Flo, what do you have at your store? - I have gas. - Lotsa gas! - OK boys, stay with me. And, Flo, what'll happen if no one can come to your station to buy gas? I'll go outta business and... we'll have to leave town. What's gonna happen if Flo leaves town and closes her station? - [All] Without gas, we're done for! - What? Don't you think the car responsible should fix our road? The only guy strong enough to fix that road is Big Al! Lizzie, Big Al left like, 15 years ago. Then why are you bringing him up, you lemon? Oh, he can do it. He's got the horsepower. So, what do you want him to do? [All] Fix the road! - Because we are a town worth fixing! - Yeah! [All cheer] [Honking] Order in the court! Seems like my mind has been changed for me. - [All] Yeah! - No! [VW van] Nice ruling. Oh, I am so not taking you to dinner. [Chuckling] That's OK, Stickers. You can take Bessie. Man, you get to work with Bessie! I'd give my left two lug nuts for somethin' like that. Bessie? Who's Bessie? [Gurgling] This here is Bessie, finest road-pavin' machine ever built. I'm hereby sentencing you to community service. You're gonna fix the road under my supervision. What? This place is crazy! I know this may be a bad time right now, but you owe me $32,000 in legal fees. What? We're gonna hitch you up to Bessie, and you're gonna pull her nice. You gotta be kidding me. You start there where the road begins. You finish down there where the road ends. [Mater] Holy shoot! Whoa, whoa, whoa! How long is this gonna take? Well, fella does it right, should take him about five days. Five days? But I should be in California schmoozing Dinoco right now! Then if I were you, I'd quit yapping' and start workin'! - Hook him up, Mater. - Okay-dokey. [Grunting] [Tires squealing, engine rewing] [Lightning] Freedom! Maybe I should've hooked him up to Bessie and then... then took the boot off. Whoo-hoo! Goodbye, Radiator Springs, and goodbye, Bessie! California, here I come! Yeah! Oh, feel that wind. Yes! [Sputtering] No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Outta gas? How can I be outta gas? [Chuckling] Boy, we ain't as dumb as you think we are. [Stuttering] But how did, how did... you? We siphoned your gas while you were passed out. - Ka-chow. - Ow, ow, ow, ow. - Gentlemen. - Sheriff. Hey, Sheriff. - Why here? - [Italian] Sono sempre stati qui. - They were better before. - Stai sempre a parlare. - Guido! - Red, can you move over? I want to get a look at that sexy hot rod. You know, I used to be a purty good whistler. I can't do it now, of course, on account of sometimes I get fluid built up in my engine block, but Doc said he's gonna fix it. He can fix about anything. That's why we made him the judge. Boy, you shoulda heard me on Giddy-up, Oom Papa Mow Mow. Now, I'm not one to brag but people come purty far to see me get low on the "Mow-Mow". Oh! - Aw, man, that's just great! - Hey, what's wrong? My lucky sticker's all dirty. Ah, that ain't nothin'. I'll clean it for ya. - [Snorting, hacking] - No, no, no! That won't be necessary. Hey! Hey, big fella! Yeah, you in the red! I could use a little hose down. Help me wash this off. Where's he goin'? Oh, he's a little bit shy, and he hates you for killin' his flowers. I shouldn't put up with this. I'm a precision instrument of speed and aerodynamics. - You hurt your what? - I'm a very famous racecar! You are a famous racecar? A real racecar? Yes, I'm a real racecar. What do you think? Look at me. I have followed racing my entire life. My whole life! Then you know who I am. I'm Lightning McQueen. - Lightning McQueen? - Yes! Yes! I must scream it to the world! My excitement from the top of someplace very high! - Do you know many Ferraris? - No, no, no, no, no. They race on the European circuit. I'm in the Piston Cup! - [Lightning] What? - Luigi follow only the Ferraris. Is that what I think it is? [Sally] Customers. Customers! Customers, everyone! Customers! - [Sally] OK! - Customers? [Sally] Been a long time. Remember what we rehearsed. Make sure your "Open, please come in" signs are out. You all know what to do. All right, nobody panics. Here we go! Van, I just don't see any on-ramp anywhere. - Minny, I know exactly where we are. - Yeah, we're in the middle of nowhere. - Honey, please. - [Sally] Hello. Welcome to Radiator Springs, gateway to Ornament Valley. Legendary for its service and hospitality. How can we help you? - We don't need anything, thank you. - Ask for directions to the Interstate. There's no need to ask for directions. I know where we're going. He did the same thing on our trip to Shakopee. We were headed over there for the Crazy Days, and we... - OK. Really. We're just peachy, OK? - What you really need is the sweet taste of my homemade, organic fuel. No, it doesn't agree with my tank. - Just trying to find the Interstate. - Good to see you, soldier! Come on by Sarge's Surplus Hut for your government surplus needs. - Honey, surplus! - We have too much surplus. I do have a map over at the Cozy Cone Motel. And if you stay, we offer a free Lincoln Continental breakfast. - Honey, she's got a map. - I don't need a map! I have the GPS. - Never need a map again, thank you. - How 'bout somethin' to drink? Stop at Flo's V-Eight Café. Finest fuel on Route 66. No we just topped off. And if you need tires, stop by Luigi's Casa Della Tires, home of the Leaning Tower of Tires. - We're trying to find the Interstate. - But you do need a paint job. Ramone will paint you up right. Hey, anything you want! - You know, like a flame job. - No thanks... Maybe ghost flames! You like old school pinstripin'? Von Dutch style? - [Both gasp] - Oh, honey, look. Von Dutch. [Chuckling] OK, no. We're gonna be going now, OK? Ow! [Laughs] A little somethin' to remember us by, OK? - OK! - Come back soon, OK? I mean, you know where we are! Tell your friends! [Van] OK! Yes. You bet. Thanks again, folks. Bye-bye now. Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - I know how to get to the Interstate! - Do ya? - Minny, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not really. But listen. I'm Lightning McQueen, famous racecar. I'm being held against my will. I need you to call my team, so they can come rescue me and get me to California in time for me to win the Piston Cup. Understand? - [locks beeping] - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's the truth! I'm telling you! You gotta help me! Don't leave me here! I'm in hillbilly hell! My IQ's dropping by the second! I'm becoming one of them! - [Lightning echoes] - [Sighing] OK, don't worry. They know where we are now. They'll tell friends. You'll see. [Male DJ] We'll be back for our Hank Williams marathon... - That's good. - ... after a Piston Cup update. [Kori] Still no sign of Lightning McQueen. Chick arrived in California and today became the first car to spend practice time on the track. [Chick] It's nice to get out here before the other competitors. You know, get a head start. Gives me an edge. [Electronic music] [Laughing] Hoo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! [Crowd shouting and cheering] [Girls chattering and giggling] Hey, McQueen... Eat your heart out. [Gasping] Oh! Let me get this straight. I can go when this road is done. That's the deal, right? - That's what they done did said. - OK. Outta my way. I got a road to finish. [Grunting and rewing] - He's done! - Done? - Uh-huh. - It's only been an hour. - [Bessie groans] - Ah, I'm done. Look, I'm finished. Say thanks, and I'll be on my way. That's all you gotta say. [Mater] Whee-hoo! I'm the first one on the new road! Oh! [Vibrating] It rides purty smooth. - It looks awful! - Well, it matches the rest of the town. - Oh! - [Blubbering] Red. Who do you think you are? Look, Doc said when I finish, I could go. That was the deal. The deal was you fix the road, not make it worse. Now, scrape it off! Start over again. Hey, look, grandpa, I'm not a bulldozer. I'm a racecar. Oh-ho-ho-ho! Is that right? Then why don't we just have a little race? Me and you. - What? - [Chuckling] Me and you. That a joke? If you win, you go and I fix the road. If I win, you do the road my way. Doc, what're you doin'? I don't mean to be rude here, but you probably go zero to sixty in, like, what? Three-point-five years? Then I reckon you ain't got nothin' to worry about. You know what, old-timer? That's a wonderful idea. Let's race. [Sheriff] Gentlemen, this will be a one-lap race. You will drive to Willy's Butte, go around Willy's Butte and come back. There will be no bumping', no cheatin', no spitting', no biting', no road rage, no maiming', no oil slickin', no pushing', no shoving', no backstabbing', no road-hoggin', and no lollygaggin'. Speed. I'm speed. Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beemer. [Luigi laughs] My friend Guido, he dream to give a real racecar a pit stop. - Peet stop! - Uh... [chuckles] The race is only one lap, guys. Uno lappo! Don't need any help. - I work solo mio. - Fine. Race your way. - No pit stoppo. Comprendo? - OK. Gentlemen start your engines! [Engine sputters] [Rewing furiously] - ! Hijole! Check that out! - Whoa. Great idea, Doc. Now the road will never get done. Luigi? [Chuckling] On your mark, get set... Uno for the money, due for the show, tre to get ready, and quattro to... I can't believe it. Go! [Giggling] [Cheering] Huh? Doc... the flag means go. Remember the fl... Here we go. Go. Doc, what are you doing, man? Oh, dear. It would seem I'm off to a poor start. Well, better late than never. Come on, Mater. - Might need a little help. - Uh... OK. You got your tow cable? Well, yeah, I always got my tow cable. Why? [Doc] Oh, just in case. [Yelling] Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no, no, no, no! - Oh, man! - Whoa. - Ow! - [Fillmore] Bad trip, man. [Rewing] Hey! Was that floating' like a Cadillac or was that stinging' like a Beemer? - I'm confused. - [Chuckling] [Doc] You drive like you fix roads. Lousy! Have fun fishing', Mater. [Gasps] Ah! I'm startin' to think he knowed you was gonna crash! Thank you, Mater. Thank you. I can make a little turn on dirt. You think? No. And now I'm a day behind. I'm never gonna get outta here! Hey, ése! You need a new paint job, man! - [Lightning] No, thank you. - How 'bout some organic fuel? - That freak juice? - [Lightning] Pass. Whoo! Watchin' him is makin' me thirsty. Anybody else want somethin' to drink? Nah, not me, Flo. I'm on one of them there special diets. I'm a precisional instrument of speed and aero-matics. "You race like you fix roads." [Grunting] I'll show him. [Grunting] I will show him! - [Tar splattering] - Oh, great! I hate it! - Hate, hate, hate, hate it! - [Chuckles] Music. Sweet music. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. [Lightning] Radiator Springs, a happy place! OK, Bessie, you think that's funny? Great! I'm talking to Bessie now! I'm talking to Bessie! Wow. [Mater] Mornin', Sally! Hey, look at this here fancy new road that Lightnin' McQueen done just made! Yes! Uh, amazing! Whoa-ho! Yeah! [sighing] Oh, Ramone! Mama ain't seen you that low in years. I haven't seen a road like this in years. - Well, then let's cruise, baby. - Low and slow. [Italian] É bellissima! It's beautiful! Guido, look, it's-a like it was paved by angels. Boy, I tell you what. I bet even the roads on the moon ain't this smooth. Doc, look at this! Shoulda tossed him into the cactus a lot sooner, huh? Well, he ain't finished yet. Still got a long way to go. Guido, look at Luigi! This is fantastico! That looks like fun! Mater, I got dibs, next turn! Hey, Luigi, this new road makes your place look like a dump. That crazy old devil woman. [Sighs] Oh! She's right! - Ah! - Guido! Huh. That punk actually did a good job. Well, now... where the heck is he? Sheriff! Is he makin' another run for it? No, no. He ran outta asphalt in the middle of the night, and asked me if he could come down here. All he's tryin' to do is make that there turn. [Lightning] No, no, no, no! Oh, great. Perfect turns on every track I've ever raced on. Sheriff, why don't you go get yourself a quart of oil at Flo's. I'll keep an eye on him. Well, thanks, Doc. I've been feelin' a quart low. [Engine rewing] [Screaming] [Spitting] This ain't asphalt, son. This is dirt. Oh, great. What do you want? You here to gloat? You don't have three-wheel brakes, so you got to pitch it hard, break it loose and then just drive it with the throttle. Give it too much, you'll be outta the dirt and into the tulips. So you're a judge, a doctor and a racing expert. I'll put it simple. If you're goin' hard enough left, you'll find yourself turning' right. Oh... Right. That makes perfect sense. Turn right to go left! Yes! Thank you! Or should I say, "No, thank you"? Because in Opposite World, maybe that really means, "Thank you"! Crazy grandpa car. What an idiot! [Groans] [Lightning] Turn right to go left. Hmm... Whoa! - Oh! - [Car crashing] - Ow! Oh, that... - [cactus crashing] [Screaming] Ow! Turn right to go left. Guess what. I tried it. You know what? This crazy thing happened... I went right! You keep talkin' to yourself, people'll think you're crazy. - Thanks for the tip. - What? I wasn't talkin' to you! - Oh, Guido, e bellissimo! - Che cosa? - It looks great! This is great! - Ti piace, eh? Si, si, bellissimo. [Grunts, passes gas] Oh, Lord. - [Chuckles] - [Sheriff] Mater! I need you to watch the prisoner tonight. Well, dad-gum! Wait a minute. What if he tries to run again? Just let him run outta gas and tow him on back. - But keep an eye on him. - Yes, sir! [Groaning] Oh... While I'm stuck here paving this stinkin' road, Chick's in California schmoozing Dinoco. My Dinoco. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's touching me? You have a slow leak. Guido, he fix. You make-a such a nice new road. You come to my shop. Luigi take-a good care of you. Even though you not a Ferrari. You buy four tires, I give you a full-a size spare - absolutely free! - Look, I get all my tires for free. [Chuckling] I like your style, eh? You drive the hard bargain. OK. Luigi make you a new deal. You buy one tire, I give you three for free! [Flo] Oh, would you look at that? Ramone, Ramone! [Luigi] Then Luigi make you a new new deal. [Lightning] No, no, no, no. Deal me out. Pass. No, thank you. - No, no, no, no. No. - This is it. My last offer. You buy one tire, I give you seven-a snow tires for free! Done. You interested, you call me. You know where I am. [Exhales deeply] Ah! Stop! Let me... Oh, Red, you missed a spot. See it right there? - No! No! - On the hood right there. Stop, stop! That's cold! Help! Please! Stop! - [Coughing, sputtering] - Thanks, Red. What was that for? - Do you want to stay at the Cozy Cone? - Huh? If you do, you gotta be clean. 'Cause even in hillbilly hell we have standards. What, I? I don't get it. I thought I'd say thank you for doin' a great job. So I thought I'd let you stay with me. I mean, not with me! But there. Not with me there, but there in your own cozy cone. - And I'd be in my cone, and it's... - Wait. Wait, you're being nice to me. If you want to stay at the dirty impound, fine. - I understand you criminal types. - No, no, no, no. That's OK. - Yeah, the Cozy Cone. - [Sally] It's newly refurbished. [Lightning chuckles] Yeah, it's like a clever little twist. The motel's made out of caution cones, which, of course, cars try to avoid. But now we're gonna stay in them. That's funny. Figure that all out on your own, did you? Cone number one, if you want. Oh... Hey, do I spy a little pinstriping tattoo back there? Oh... [chuckles] That's just a... Oh! [Both chuckle] Oh, you saw that? Yeah. Just gonna be going. Gonna... Yeah. - You know, I knew this girl Doreen. - [Gasps] Good-lookin' girl. Looked just like a Jaguar, only she was a truck! You know, I used to crash into her, just so I could spoke to her. - What are you talking about? - I don't know. Hey, I know somethin' we can do tonight, 'cause I'm in charge of watching' you! No, Mater, I gotta finish this road, and I have to get out of here. Well, that's all right, Mr. I Can't Turn On Dirt. You probably couldn't handle it anyway. Whoa, whoa, easy now, Mater. You know who you're talkin' to? This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything. - [Whispering] I'm not doin' this. - Come on. You'll love it! [chuckles] - [Mater] Tractor-tippin's fun. - [Lightning] This is ridiculous. - [Tractors snore] - [Mater] All right, listen. When I say go, we go. But don't let Frank catch you. Go! Whoa! Wait! Who's Frank? [Lightning whispering] Mater! Wait, Mater! OK, here's what you do. You just sneak up in front of 'em, and then honk. And they do the rest. Watch this. - [Honking loudly] - Oh! Oh... Oh! Oh... [mooing] [Gas sloshing, backfiring] [Laughing loudly] I swear, tractors is so dumb! I tell you what, buddy, it don't get much better than this. Yep, you're livin' the dream, Mater boy. - [Honking] - Oh! Oh! Oh... [mooing] [Gas sloshing, backfiring] [Laughing] I don't care who you are, that's funny right there. Oh, your turn, bud. Mater, I can't. I don't even have a horn. - Baby. - I'm not a baby. [Clucking] Fine. Stop! Stop, OK? All right. I'll do something. [Snoring] - [Rewing engine] - Oh! No, I am safe it was a murder Tienen a suspect? She is in a moment its Height. In one week we arrested the man... and we accused it of murder. But wise that it would not feel to me... satisfied like man. I have my men continuously watching it. Forgetfulness of its pain and I buy the theater. He is perfect. It assumed its direction and it began to prepare it... for a type of different spectacle. That is? My name is Frank. Of where you come? I come from Rome. My father raised to me there. As you arrived here tonight? Not it. These alive? That you can say to us on the other side? - As it is? - If, dinos. You must know things. Secret things. I do not believe that they know that it is a trick. His I always publish he was enthusiastic, but now the attraction is greater. The passion is greater. Mr. Adams, please. The manifestations of these spirits, Heisenhigh it has proven to us immortality of the souls. Its existence it has been verified... in the works of modern science. These spirits they took to the humanity... to a new one era of morality. It is a movement revolutionary... and we will become in a spiritual republic. Piensa that this behind all this? So that I must render attention to a magician? We suppose that it is but that a magician, His Height. He is a prattler. A fraud. It tries to have supernatural powers. We must to accuse it of fraud. First we have that to determine the fraud... and later to accuse it. It finds out since it does and later arréstelo. This is single a small one demonstration, Inspector But it can to see as it works. If, I see it, not this badly, not this badly. We have to spy to Heisenhigh. We do it, but no it has given result. I have already tried it. ¡Treat something but! That step here? He is one of ghosts of the theater. Where? There. He is a boy Where this that thing? I am scared. Saw It? - An appearance. - I saw. To where takes it? I want to know, since it does? The first tree of oranges, and now this. I must say all my professional secrets to the police. If it does not say it I must arrest it. Under which positions? By a possible fraud. - It excuses, inspector. - That? I believe that it must watch by the window. Who are? They are in favor there of. It could not imagine so devotee followers. That hopes of you? I do not have idea That their spies say to him? That you want to affect the monarchy. So that? By the crime of the Prince? He is not an assassin, we have to the true assassin in prison, I declare culprit. They have the man mistaken. You do not know that. I no, but you if. You wrath a... if it does not explain to me what this doing. -Letgo it ! - ¡Release it! You will be guilty if that multitude attacks the building. Heisenhigh! ¡Heisenhigh! That does? ¡Deténgase! ¡Óiganme, please! ¡They must oírme, please! Thank you very much to come. I have been speaking with the Inspector. And I believe that this is a serious one malentendido. I want that all know that everything what they see in my theater it is an illusion. It is a trick. He is not real. I cannot bring the beings wanted of its tombs. I cannot receive messages across. I request excuses to them if them I have created false illusions. My single intention it has been to entertain them. Nothing else. I thank for its support. But they must to return to house. Please, they must go away. I finish explaining it, no longer it is a fraud. I can be gone? You embauco, Is that? No, Its Height. Then by that you fail to me? I thought that to trust you. I thought that your eras a man... that to take to my side when it took the throne. Mistakes to Me with you? No, I am not mistaken, Its Height, no. I need men who can to compete with people like that. I am surrounded by idiots. I must do all i myself. It seems that in this case there will be no difference. As I shine? Ordinary, His Height. Very ordinary. I believe that I go to enjoy this. I do not recognize it. That? Maintain the distance, I do not want that they see me with a police. Whoyouare? YouaretheDuchess? If. ThatI happento you? wasassassinated. Youwereassassinated? Thatdidit ? Arrestarontotheculprit? Dinos,please. That I assassinate to you? Somebody... this here. Dinos. Where? Wastheprince? hasdoneIt before. theprinceno this here. Inspector, this safe one of that it has the assassin? I am safe, permission. It must investigate to the prince... it cannot inherit if this is truth... it must give it to justice. It is not truth, is no evidence. As is its name? Ethencie Hober Medas. It must watch after its shoulder, Mr. Not even it seemed to Sofie. I publish is stupid and it knows it. It manipulates it. It does not have to make an effort... an actress, it leaves everything to I publish. And it makes its accusations. Surely it pays some. Tengo to support this? I am afraid that no we have the sufficient thing. I want that they arrest it in the following presentation, if he is one of them Heisenhigh it paid by everything. I want that it turns it in an example. It must be made thus. He was something stupid the one of last night. No, not it you can destroy. No, you cannot to overthrow the monarchy. That I cannot. Then not it bring again. You do not cause those questions. I do not want arrestarte. I am a cynical man, God knows it. But your manifestations they are real... and even if I admit that you are special if the trick disappears and we see that you have a gift you do not do to me meterte in the jail. Prométeme that no you will do it again. I promise to you that you enjoyed the next spectacle. - That you want? - Nothing. And so that to bring it again? Single to be with her. In order to be with her. All this ready one? I must say to him that it can escape. It did not escape, I love guards in each door and window. If, Sir. I want to apologize with you... by my behavior before... but I want to repay to him with a proposal. I will cause that it is worth the trouble. I am not occupied, I have hoped by you. I understand it, surely. I want that it assumes control of all my finances and my properties. Everything. Everything? If. Including this theater and the gains of tonight, I am going away it to be thankful. As is its answer? - This good, I will do it. - Either, or. Quiere that present tonight? No, single benefit the spectacle tonight. Inspector, I am representative of Heisenhigh. If it memory. That happens? So that so many police? Precautions, Mr. precautions. Planned Tiene to arrest Heisenhigh? Single it depends on. IstheDuchess. Sothattheyassassinatedtoyou? It was going it to leave. Tothat? Totheprince? So that? Try to escape. It took my amulet when I died, but no longer this, was lost. Dinos,please. That I assassinate to you? Wastheprince? We must do something! Treasonous! In name of its Majesty imperial of Vienna arrest to Edward Blemedith, known like Heisenhigh. Defendant to cause disobedience... it publishes against of the crown. No! ¡Find it! - Where this? - It was there. - Since the trick becomes? - It is not a trick. - Since one becomes? - Not it, As it could? tree of Oranges Command to my conductor to take my sword to the police. My men investigated if the gem it agrees with those of the sword. I do not have doubts of which thus it will be. later I come here and me questions so that I did it. You robbed property imperial. This related with the murder. Although outside truth, it does not have jurisdiction here. It is truth. It can do what wish here without consequences. Nobody can punish it. Except a man. That? The Emperor... I do not believe that it leaves his him it crowns an assassin, And you? It will never believe to you. Perhaps no. But I wrote a letter a the advisers of its general. Telling everything them. Including its plan it stops to overthrow the Emperor. That they rendered attention. I hope that no obtain the throne. Even wants to be police head? It seems that no I have offered to him enough. Baron? Aristocrat? I am afraid that no longer it can give an one step back. Idiot, this played with you. This manipulating. It could have robbed the gem and to make appear there it. - I do not create it. - A trick Is everything. He is not real. Perhaps the truth this in its illusions. I need that it finishes yet this. Or that? Perhaps it will shoot to him, does it anyway. Then it will have assassinated to inspector and to the Duchess. I do not create it. Mr. you committed to have failed suicide. They are the advisers of General, I imagine. They must have received my letter. - That it wants? - I do not want anything. We can fix the things. Horsemen. The situation is so obvious. He is a complete one incompetent. I say thinks to him better. There is nothing, nothing is known. I propose to him that it fixes this rolled and it thinks it better before betraying to me. You are irrelevant, it can be replaced. This country this badly, thousands of voices that... they shout to be heard, and nothing will become nothing, I have done all the possible one... too much... too much... Abran,in name of the King. ItsHeight, open the door. Please,opensthedoor. Istheauthority,Iinsist in which it opens the door. Mustopenthedoor. Please,TheirHeight. I cannot support it. I cannot. Abranthedoor. ¡Demolish it! That step? The suicidal prince. Is Ork Inspector? It used to be it. tree of Oranges ¡Your! That gave this you? That gave this you? Mr. Heisenhigh. When? All on board! Its ticket. All on board! Whenonebecomes,your you go with her, I I will follow them. Youunderstand the risks of this? Completely. CreethatHeisenhigh knows this? Thatthereis in thedeath? Thatitwants? Estarwithher. To be with her! i, there is something must know. Theirswordis beautiful. I can see it? -Thesedrunkard. - No, we are drunk. Isa fraud, it has planned it everything. Everythingwhattheyhaveseen is an illusion, is false. [Crowd Murmuring] [Gasps] It's her! I know it's her! She wants to tell us something! - We must do something! - [Man] Sit down! - [Woman] Please! - Hey! [Crowd Arguing] [Crowd Chattering] In the name of His Imperial Majesty and the city of Vienna - I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz - [Crowd Gasping] Also known as Eiseneim the Illusionist - on charges of disturbing public order... - [Shouting] Charlatanism and threats against the empire! - [Woman] Leave him alone! - [Shouting Continues] They're arresting him! They're arresting Eiseneim! [Men Shouting] Chief Inspector Uhl [Door Closes] - You're late - My apologies, Your Highness I was attending to the loose ends of the case - Are there still loose ends? - Very few Did he do it again? How does he do it? I'm afraid I still don't know. Did you ask him? He's not talking at this point Well, I'm sure you have methods for that kind of thing. I want you to put an end to it Surely you have something on him Something from his past? Yes Yes, I think I do [Uhl Narrating] In fact, we know all about his life. We've spoken to almost everyone who ever knew him. As a boy, I'm told he had a chance encounter... with a traveling magician. [Man] Boy. [Uhl Narrating] One version of the story was that the man himself... then vanished... along with the tree. Who knows what actually happened? People began to think he had some kind of special power... or at least that he was a bit different. And then he met her. - [Boy] Don't drop it. - [Boy #2] Careful, you're going to trip. - Drop it, you muck snipe. - Oh! Watch out for that hole, alley rat! - Drop it! - Come on [Boys Chuckling] [Eiseneim] Pick a card. Put it back in the deck. Now, watch [Door Opens] Duchess von Teschen, you can't be in a place like this. They're peasants. Remember who you are [Uhl Narrating] She was brought back to the castle... and they were forbidden to see each other. But soon, they were doing just that. Over the next few years, they could always find a way to be together. - Quick, come on - [Both Chuckle] [Door Squeaking] [Eiseneim] In China there's a magician that could make anything disappear... a house, a wagon, anything. We'll go visit him. They can't stop us if we want to be together. They'll never find us Do you promise you'll take me with you? One day I will One day we'll run away together We'll disappear [Soft Tapping] There's a secret way to open it I wanted a picture [Footsteps Approaching] Sophie, are you there? - We must hurry! They're coming! - [Man] Duchess von Teschen! - [Door Closes] - Duchess von Teschen! - Duchess von Teschen! - [Man #2] Duchess von Teschen! Make us disappear. Make us disappear. [Man] Duchess von Teschen! [Footsteps Approaching] Stop Stop [Door Opens] - Don't do this - Let go! - Let me go Let go! - Your father's waiting for you - [Sophie] Let go! - No! - Eduard! - Please, let go! - No! - Let me go! Let her go, please! - Let go! Stop it! - Sophie! Eduard! - Sophie! - Eduard! Sophie [Grunts] [Man] Stay away from her, or next time... we'll arrest you and your family. [Uhl Narrating] What happened next remains a mystery. We do know that he traveled the world... that he began to perform his magic in public... that he changed his name to Eiseneim. And then almost 15 years later... he appeared in Vienna. [Man] Life and death... space and time fate and chance These are the forces of the universe Tonight, ladies and gentleman I present to you a man who has unlocked these mysteries From the furthest corners of the world where the dark arts still hold sway he returns to us to demonstrate how nature's laws may be bent I give you Eiseneim [Applause] - [Crows Cawing] - [Crowd Gasps] Might I borrow a handkerchief from someone? You, madam Thank you Ah, be patient Now, if you please I would like to continue with an examination of time. From the moment we enter this life, we are in the flow of it We measure it and we mark it, but we cannot defy it We cannot even speed it up or slow it down Or can we? Have we not each experienced the sensation that a beautiful moment seemed to pass too quickly and wished that we could make it linger? [Crowd Gasps] Or felt time slow on a dull day and wished that we could speed things up a bit? [Crowd Murmuring] [Murmuring Continues] [Applause] I assure you, they're quite real [Man] Is it real? Let's see And you, madam, where is your handkerchief? [Murmuring] [Crowd Gasps] [Applause] Bravo! Very good [Boy] Give us something, please. - Please, give us something Please - What's all this? We're poor - Do you think you're poor? - Yes I want to show you something You're not poor You have everything that you need right here Thank you Thank you Thank you And that's yours - And this too - [Gasps] - [Coins Jangling On Ground] - [Boys Gasping] I've got the magic one! - Good morning - Good morning - Coffee? - No - Strudel? I have two - Nothing, thank you You look very pleased with yourself How are the receipts? - Not bad A three-quarter house - Well done. But we're going to do better than that Listen to this Listen " There is no argument that his uncanny displays "separate him from the ranks of garden-variety stage wizards "Some of his effects transcend mere illusion "and approach the realm of art He is very young to be so masterful" Do you see? We'll pack the house with this review. We are going to make more money than you ever dreamed of [Man] But if it was mechanical. Maybe he had it wrapped in some kind ofbark? Oh, I know, of course I thought of that It's the butterflies I'm trying to work out Oh, for Pete's sake Invisible wire Too obvious How many men have you detailed for tonight? We have eight men inside, another eight out front Perhaps you'll get another look at your butterflies. Mmm - [Man] Come on in. - Check the last 10 rows there - You! Don't touch that! - [Knocking Table] - Put that down! - Ah, Herr Eiseneim Who are you and what do you think you're doing? I'm Chief Inspector Walter Uhl and I'm inspecting your theater I've seen you perform Very impressive - Very impressive. - How can we help you, Inspector? You will be honored to know the crown prince plans to attend your performance tonight - The crown prince? - Yes! So, obviously we have to inspect the theater. I think that one's small for an assassin, don't you? [Chuckles] Yes, the orange tree You know, I have seen things like this before but never one like that - Extraordinary - Thank you I have been puzzling over how it works especially how the butterflies fly I assure you, your secret is safe with me I'm an officer of the law after all, and a bit of an amateur conjurer - Are you really? - Yes Well, card tricks, coins, uh, sleight of hand, yes Hmm But nothing fancy Perhaps you'll give me a tip Yes, all right I'll show you one I'm very fond of Are you a gambling man? - On occasion, yes - I will bet you the secret of the orange tree that I can guess which hand you place this in every time Excellent Put it in your fist, raise your hand against your forehead concentrate on it, form a mental picture. - Yes - Have you got it? - Yes - Put your hands in front of you. It's in your left - Well... - A lucky guess, perhaps You have a confederate who signals you - No It's more primitive than that - Uh-huh When you raise your hand to your head, the blood drains from it It will be paler every time Oh Oh, I like that very much Please take it with my compliments Why, thank you Eh, the blood drains - Now, Inspector - [Chuckles] If you don't mind, I've got to prepare for tonight's performance Ah [Chuckles] [Chattering] [Announcer] Please stand for His Imperial Highness... Crown Prince Leopold. [Crowd Applauding] [Crowd Gasping] I thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul All of the greatest religions speak of the soul's endurance beyond the end of life So, what then does it mean to die? I need a volunteer from the audience. Someone not afraid of death Please, someone? I assure you, no tragedy will befall you [Crowd Murmuring] [Murmuring Continues] It's an honor, Duchess von Teschen Do you know me? No You're quite certain that we've never met before? Yes, of course Now please gaze directly into my eyes Look nowhere else Wave to yourself Turn in a circle Now bow to yourself [Crowd Laughing] [Crowd Gasping] - [Crowd Gasping] - [Woman Screams] Away [Crowd Gasps] [Chattering] They must have liked you They've waited for you nearly five minutes Your Highness, may I introduce Eiseneim the Illusionist? [Applause] - Well done - Thank you for coming I hope you enjoyed it Oh, we more than enjoyed it Stimulated great debate amongst us, hasn't it? Except of course for your assistant, Duchess von Teschen You seemed to have struck her quite speechless A feat in itself - Did you hypnotize her? - In a fashion - I'd like to learn that trick - [Men Laughing] Rainier here thinks you have supernatural powers. Do you claim supernatural powers? I've never said anything of that kind - Then you won't mind a question or two - Now let's not ruin it [Leopold] You needrt divulge anything I can't guess. As you wish Your assistants are behind the mirror somewhere in robes obviously Lights in the frame perhaps to illuminate them, or angled mirrors? That would be one way to do it I think I understand it all except the ghost That was very, very good Another viewing perhaps? You must come to the Hofburg next time We'll make an evening of it That will be my pleasure [Leopold] So be it. Sophie? And we'll gather our best minds next time. You'll really have a challenge then Then I'll prepare something special Perhaps I'll make you disappear My God When he volunteered her I heard the crashing sound of money falling on me in piles Every lady of means in Vienna will want to get up there with you now - Mmm - What a show-off His father would have died if he had seen such a display - She didn't seem too happy about it either - She'd better get used to it - How's that? - Word is she'll marry him soon - Really? - Taking her chances if you ask me - Why? - He likes to give his lady friends a good thrashing now and again People say he pushed one of them off a balcony just to cover the beating he'd given her For Herr Eiseneim [Hooves Beating] Hello, Sophie When I was on the stage, you knew me right away. It took me a moment but, yes, I knew You could have said something I thought you'd figure it out eventually Yes, I would have I would have come another night, volunteered walked right on stage and said, "Hello" And then you'd really have had to move quickly. I suspect you would have I don't understand why Perhaps for the same reasons you find it prudent to meet in a carriage It's just a game I have to play with them I'm followed everywhere It's... It's supposed to be for my protection Yes So, I hear congratulations are in order What for? They say you'll be the princess - It's not decided at all - Ah It makes a certain sense, I suppose We've known each other for years, and of course, our families He's very intelligent A little too intelligent for his own good. You're lucky, you know to have broken free as you did I often wish that I had... Wished what? Wished that I would see you again And now you have Yes, now I have I look forward to seeing you again at the Hofburg Until then [Door Opens] [Door Closes] Here's the report on Duchess von Teschen Mmm Anything interesting? See for yourself [Clears Throat] The magician? They drove around for half an hour. Then he got out near the theater. What do you want us to do? Join us for a drink? Please You like something to eat, something to drink, hmm? - No, thank you - Herr Eiseneim I'm going to ask you a question that may not seem friendly but I assure you, in fact, is [Clears Throat] What is your relationship with the Duchess von Teschen? You're right, that doesn't seem friendly Oh, but that is precisely my point For, you see, where others might judge a discreet carriage ride for what it seemed to be I am willing to find out what it actually was All right We were childhood acquaintances Acquaintances? Childhood friends My father was a cabinetmaker - He made the furniture for her family's house. - [Chuckles] I see, the cabinetmaker's son friends with a... - Has there been a complaint? - Oh, no, no If there'd been a complaint well, we'd be having a very, uh, different sort of conversation Yes He relies on you for that sort of thing, does he? I'm a simple public servant, Herr Eiseneim That's not what I hear I hear you'll be the chief of police very soon - Maybe mayor of Vienna? Party secretary? - All subject to his whim You better hope he doesn't dissolve the parliament before you get there Now the prince has some progressive ideas, but he will make a fine emperor Well, they say you're very close to him, so I'm sure you'll do fine Look Yes, indeed, they say that I'm very close to the prince But the simple truth of the matter is, Herr Eiseneim, I'm the son of a butcher He's the heir to the empire How close could we be to such as him? Hmm? Do you see my point? Don't fool yourself that you can play in their game I've served on the edge of it for many, many years and I can tell you with certainty there's no trick they haven't seen. It's not won'th it My guest tonight... is not a showman at all, but rather a wizard who has sold his soul to the devil... in return for unoly powers. Or so at least some of our friends here would have us believe - [All Laughing] - But fear not. Everything can and will be explained - All mysteries penetrated - [Man] Hear! Hear! [Man #2] Well said! Well said! [Crowd Gasps] - [Man] Is that the emperor? - [Man #2] Ah, yes, your father. I didn't think he was invited [Man] Bravo. A fair likeness of the old man - Too modern a style for him, of course - [Laughter] I'm afraid I'm not much of a painter It's true There are no brushstrokes in this painting I can see that clearly So to achieve the color some sort of chemical must be interacting, presumably Some sort of sprayer up your sleeve? - May I? - If you feel you must - I do - Oh, let the man do his show You want me to just sit there when it's so obvious? - [Laughter] - I do He tries to trick you I try to enlighten you Which is the more noble pursuit? May we have the lights, please so His Highness can better see? - [Man] See here, Leopold, let's have the show - [Man #2] Hear! Hear! - Come on, Leopold - Get on with it [Leopold] Very well I propose a challenge Why don't you astonish us... if you can without all the gadgetry? As you wish Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? Certainly May I? Where does power flow from? Skill or destiny, or divine right? We all know the story of a sword called Excalibur Excalibur's blade was fixed in stone and there it stayed [Crowd Murmuring] Many won'thy knights tried to pull the sword from the stone Only Arthur succeeded proving his right to rule Who can take this sword? You, sir, can you take the sword? [Grunting] [Scattered Laughter] No surprise there - [Crowd Laughing] - Perhaps you, sir - Not so eager, cousin - [Laughter] [Man] Come on. You can do it. - [Woman] Do it! Do it! - [Man #2] Come on! [Crowd Shouting] [Grunts] You shall live a long life Thank you for your indulgence [Applause] Come now If you can't pull it out, you'll never be emperor - Your father will live to be a hundred. - [Laughter] [Grunts] The sword to its rightful owner! [Applause] That's enough light entertainment for this evening For more serious discussion, please join me for a drink [Crowd Applauding] Shut him down Well, he's very popular, Your Highness I'm sure you'll find a way - What did you do to him? - I gave him what he asked for What would possess you to do something so foolish? [Woman] Duchess von Teschen, you must come along, my dear. We don't want to keep the prince waiting - Did you enjoy the show? - It was wonderful, wasrt it? It was amusing [Hoofbeats Approaching] Who told you where to find me? Your manager I told him if he wants to stay in Vienna, you need my help Ah, so I'm to be driven from the city, is that it? - Good I shall relish it - Stop it! I came here to try to help you. Why? Why should you possibly care what happens to me now? You were my friend I am your friend We knew each other very briefly a long time ago You don't know me at all Then why did you speak to me? Why did you even bother talking... And you kept it all this time I used to sit and stare at your picture trying to imagine where you were At night I'd have dreams I had gone with you and then I'd wake up and realize where I was But in my dreams you had shorter hair and no beard [Sighs] Where did you go when you left? To my uncle's farm near Prague How exotic [Chuckles] I went to Russia then Asia Minor and then the Orient for many years So long I always meant to return I just... I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner What? A real mystery I saw remarkable things but the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you [Kisses Hand] He wants me to go to Budapest with him next week to announce our engagement He wants the Hungarians behind him They're going to crown him king I'm sure his father will have something to say about that He plans to overthrow his father That could go very badly for him and for you You shouldn't be involved. [Sighs] I am part of his plan He only gets Hungary by aligning himself with my family - Leave him - It's not that easy Call it off and come away with me Or don't say anything and we'll just go. As long as we're alive he'll hunt us And when he finds us, he'll kill us Look at me Do you truly want to leave with me? Yes, I do There you are As I predicted, they've shut us down Are you happy now, hmm? You made your point. It doesn't matter that we were sold out for the whole run! No, look You got it off your chest - Do we have money? - What? - Do we have any money saved? - Yes, we have some But we could have had much, much more Mmm, it will have to do And the second account, all of it [Man] Of course, Herr Eiseneim. Thank you [People Chattering] And you have no doubt it was Duchess von Teschen? I'd stake my life on it What was in this suitcase? I don't know He's by the first car [Train Whistle Blowing] [Eiseneim] The map will show you where to meet. When it's done, you'll travel ahead with her and I shall follow. [Older Man] And she understands everything this entails? [Eiseneim] Completely. There's not a lot of time. [Train Whistle Blowing] As you know, we sometimes follow Duchess von Teschen for her protection Yesterday she was seen in the company of another man What man? Eiseneim the Illusionist What were they doing? - Well, they were meeting and, uh... - Touching? Kissing? Fornicating? Not that we observed, no However, I have reason to believe that they may be planning something together It's possible they may be leaving. I'm not certain of anything yet, Your Highness Thank you, Inspector - We can, of course, acquire more information... - [Rifle Fires] He spent the afternoon in Vienna with his father He's expected shortly [Bottle Clanking] What a surprise I thought you didn't like it here. I suppose you think you're very clever and very democratic in your friendships - Arert you? - What are you talking about? Your magician friend I know you've been with him It's true We've been friends since childhood You sleep with all your childhood friends? I will not be spoken to this way - You'll be spoken to as I wish to speak to you! - You're drunk You're getting quite old, aren't you? You know, my mother was 16 years old when she married my father. And you? Can you even bear children? Are you any use at all? - Are you trying to embarrass me? - It has nothing to do with you It has everything to do with me! You will not share my bed if you've slept with him! You don't understand I'm not going to share your bed at all I'm not going to Budapest with you I don't want to be part of what you're planning And I will not marry you I assume you haven't been so stupid as to tell him anything. 'Cause if you disrupt my plans, I will have no further use for you. Do you understand? Now, you will travel to Budapest tomorrow I recommend that you are here early, packed and ready to go Do nothing more to embarrass me. Good-bye What do you mean, "Good-bye"? Come back here Come back here! Don't disobey me again. Whore! [Sophie] Out of my way. - [Drawing Sword] - Please, don't. [Groans] [Horse Neighing] No, leave that Leave all the lanterns [Nickering, Snorting] [Man] Duchess von Teschen! Duchess von Teschen! [Man] Maybe look on that side! [Whimpers] [Man With Dog] Over here! Whoa Whoa I thought you saw her get on the train with him No, sir We were waiting in Vienna for them, but they left from Baden - We assumed she was with him - [Grunts] [Willigut] Should I wire the crown prince in Budapest? It's been done. - Who are you? - I'm the family's doctor Are you the chief inspector? Yes, I am You understand this is a police matter now? - Of course I understand - Good, good - You have determined the cause of death? - She bled to death. There's a wound on her throat just above the left collarbone Perhaps from a knife or a sword May I take a look? Inspector, l-I will not stand for it The crown prince will not stand for it This is not some circus sideshow My apologies, of course [Sighs] Thank you, Doctor Probably robbed Gypsies, maybe Saw all those diamonds, couldn't say no Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know - Yes, what is that? - In the folds of her dress I found this small gemstone Seen last Thursday at 7:30 pm, riding without an escort toward the Imperial Hunting Lodge Groomsman said she arrived about 8:30 What was she doing riding alone? [Pack Of Dogs Barking] He did this You know he did - I know who did what? - The crown prince! He killed her He's done it before, and you know it No, I don't know that In fact, I'm sure he didn't He's in Budapest - He killed her before he left! - I'm afraid the facts don't support your theory - She was leaving him - For who? You? - Yes! - Don't be absurd, Herr Eiseneim He killed her because he couldn't let her go - She knew his secret - What secret? - Ask your inspector He knows... - Stop this right now! [Scoffs] Are you completely corrupt? No, not completely No Which is why I'll advise you not to accuse anyone, especially His Imperial Highness Or you will end up in jail yourself [Hooves Beating] - Where's the guard who let her out of the gate? - Gone with the crown prince - Did any of the servants see her leave? - All asleep Ah-ha What about him? He, uh, he put her horse in the first stall when she arrived Ah Was it this one? We don't have jurisdiction on Imperial property Thank you I know So what are you doing? [Sighs] Investigating Listening to that magician, are you? For all we know, he did it. No, I think not The crown prince is back. [Whinnying] - Chief Inspector - [Men Shouting] We should go. Now. - [Neighing] - [Sighs] What have you found out? - She was last seen riding here, alone - Yes And based on your information, I then threw her out - Did she commit suicide? - No It was surely murder - Do you have a suspect? - We will soon, Your Highness [Uhl Narrating] Later that week, we arrested a man and charged him with murder... but I knew that that wouldn't satisfy Eiseneim. I had my men continue to watch him. He finally emerged from his grief and bought a rundown theater. It's perfect [Uhl Narrating] He fired his manager... and began preparing for a new kind of show. [Crowd Chattering] [Crowd Exclaiming] [Man] Who is he? My name is Frankel - Where did you come from? - I come from Brunn My father is a lens grinder there How have you come to be here tonight? - I don't know - [Woman] Are you alive? [Man] What can you tell us about the other side? - What's it like? - [Woman] Yes, tell us. [Woman #2] You must know things. Secret things. [Man] Say something spiritual. [Gasping] [Chattering] They don't seem to think it's a trick [Man] Eiseneim! Come out and talk to us! [Uhl Narrating] Eiseneim's audience had always been enthusiastic... but now he was attracting a more... impassioned following. [Crowd Murmuring] [Eiseneim] Madame. Please? [Footsteps] [Crowd Gasps] With these spirits, these manifestations... With these spirits, these manifestations... Eiseneim has given us hard proof of the soul's immortality The spirit has been reaffirmed in the face of modern, scientific materialism. The work of spiritualism will rouse humanity... to a new, moral earnestness "It is a revolutionary movement, and we will turn the empire into a spiritual republic" - [Blows] - Do you think Eiseneim's behind all this? [Sighs] Why must I be bothered with a magician? [Scoffs] He is proving to be more than a magician, Your Highness He is a charlatan He's a faker [Snorts] He pretends to have supernatural powers... Put him on trial for fraud - First, we have to show it is fraud - Then do it Find out how the trick is done, and then arrest him This is just a rough demonstration, Inspector But you can see how it could work [Projector Chattering] Yes, I see Not bad, not bad We need a spy in Eiseneim's troupe - Those Orientals, they won't give us anything - Mm - I already tried - Yeah Then try something else [Creaking] [Door Banging] [Man, Indistinct] [Woman, Indistinct] What has happened here? One of those ghosts from the theater down the street - Yes Up there - Where? - There - Right there And it's a boy - Yes Look, look - Sick! - Where is this thing? - Right there - [Sobbing] Over there - Uh-huh Did you see it? [Crying] Mm! [Man, Sighing] God. An apparition. I saw it. I swear. - [Man #2] Yes! - [Man #3] Right over there. [Woman Gasping] [Crowd Gasps] [Crowd Yelling] [Man] Where are you taking him? I want to know how it's done. First the orange tree, now this Do I have to share all my professional secrets with the police? Well, in this case, yes, or I'll be forced to arrest you - On what charge? - Oh, well, we'll start with fraud - [Knocking] - [Door Opens] - Excuse me, Chief Inspector... - What? I think you should look outside the window - Who are they? - They are here for him Oh! My goodness, you have a devoted following - What is it they expect of you? - I have no idea What do your spies tell you? That you plan to subvert the monarchy, perhaps Why? Just because the crown prince is a murderer? He's not a murderer We have the real murderer in prison - He pleaded guilty - You've got the wrong man - You don't know that - No, but you do Hmm Herr Eiseneim, you will also go to prison if you don't explain to me what it is you are doing - [Man] Let him go! - [Man #2] Or we will! The sentence will be greater if that mob attacks the building [Crowd Chanting] Eiseneim! Eiseneim! Eiseneim! - Well? - [Chanting Continues] What are you doing? Stop! - Stop! - [Crowd] Eiseneim! - [Chanting Continues] - [Woman] There he is! - [Cheering] - [Eiseneim] Listen to me, please! - [Cheering, Applauding] - You must listen to me, please! [Applause Stops] Thank you all for coming I have been speaking with the chief inspector And I think there's been a serious misunderstanding. I want you all to know that everything that you have seen in my theater is an illusion It's a trick. It's not real. I can't bring loved ones back from the grave I can't receive messages from the other side I apologize if I've given you any false hope My intention has only been to entertain, nothing more - [Muttering] - [Eiseneim] Now I appreciate your support. But you must go home. Please, you must go [Window Closing] There, now I've explained it, so it can't be fraud May I go? [Footsteps] [Sighs Heavily] Has he tricked you? Is that it? No, Your Highness. Then why are you failing me? I thought I could trust you I thought you were a man I could bring with me when I took the throne - Am I wrong about you? - No You're not wrong, Your Highness, no I need men who can complete the tasks assigned to them! Instead, I'm surrounded by fools In the end, I must do everything myself. - I can see this case will be no different - Mm [Door Closes] - How do I look? - Ordinary, Your Highness Very ordinary I think I'm going to enjoy this - They don't recognize you - Good And keep your distance I don't want to be seen with a policeman [Whirring, Scraping] [Crowd Stirring] [Gasping] [Man In Crowd] Who are you? [Man #2] Are you Duchess von Teschen? - Yes - [Chattering] [Man] What's happened to you? She was murdered. Were you murdered? [Man] By who? [Man #2] Did they arrest the right man? [Man #3] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - [Man #4] Tell us. - Someone Here - [Crowd Gasping] - [Man] Tell us, and point him out. [Man #2] Was it the crown prince? [Man #3] He's killed a woman before! [Man #4] Hey! The crown prince isn't even here. [Man #5] The crown prince killed her! Something must be done! [Crowd Moans] [Chattering] Chief Inspector, are you sure you have the right man? - Quite sure Excuse me - Did you investigate the crown prince? He cannot continue if this is true - He must be brought to justice - It's not true The magic trick is not evidence What is your name? - I don't see how that matters - I advise you to watch what you say, sir That actress didn't even look like Sophie But the audience is stupid and he knows it He manipulates them He himself said nothing His actress said nothing inflammatory He left it to the audience to make their accusations All plants paid for by him, of course I don't suppose you made a note of those people? I'm afraid we didn't have enough men tonight At the next performance, I want them all arrested. Every one of them Eiseneim, the whole troupe I want to have an example made of him in front of all his followers That was very foolish last night [Sighs] You can't destroy him, you know - You can't bring down the monarchy - Oh, I know I can't Then don't raise her again Don't provoke those questions Eiseneim, I don't want to arrest you I'm a cynical man, God knows but if your manifestations are somehow real then even I'm willing to admit, you're a very special person And if it's a trick, then it's equally impressive Either way, you have a gift So don't make me put you in jail! Promise me you won't do it again I promise you, you'll enjoy this next show [Sighs] What do you want? - Nothing - Then why bring her back? Just to be with her To be with her - Everything is ready? - Yes, sir - We're trying to assess how he might escape - He will not escape - I want guards at every door and window! - Sir I want to apologize to you for my behavior oflate. But I want to make it up to you, if you'll listen to a proposition - Well, I don't know - I'll make it won'th your while, Josef You know, I'm very busy right now I haven't just been sitting around waiting for you No No, of course I want you to assume control of all my finances And my assets - Everything - Everything? Yes Including this theater and all the receipts from tonight's performance which I offer with my sincere thanks - What do you say? - All right - I'll do it - Good Good Would you like me to introduce you tonight? No Tonight, just enjoy the show [Murmuring] Excuse me, Chief Inspector I'm Josef Fischer, Eiseneim's manager Yes, I remember - What's going on? Why all the police? - Precautions, Herr Fischer - Precautions - Are you planning to arrest Eiseneim? Oh, that's entirely up to him [Murmuring] - [Gasping] - [Woman] There! There! [Woman] It's Duchess von Teschen! [Chattering, Increasing] Why were you murdered? - I was leaving him - [Woman] Leaving who? - The crown prince? - Of course it was. - [Man #2] We won't stand for it! - I tried to get away I was wearing my locket when I died But now it's gone. It's lost. - [Man] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - Was it the crown prince? We must do something! - Come along - [Man] We must help her! [Policeman] To the front! [Policeman] Step out! In the name of His Imperial Majesty... and the City of Vienna, I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz... also known as Eiseneim the Illusionist... on charges of disturbing public order... charlatanism and threats against the empire! - No! - [Uhl] Get back, get back! [Clamoring] - [Policeman] Stop it! Stop it, all of you! - [Gasps] [Crowd Gasps] [Screaming] [Screaming, Moaning] - [Man] He disappeared - [Woman] Where is he? [Screaming] Find him! - Where is he? - He was right there - How was his trick done? - No trick - How is it done? - I don't know Nobody know [Uhl] Damn it! [Sighs] [Gasps] [Uhl Narrating] I had my driver take the sword to police headquarters. My men will examine it and see if it matches the gemstone... found on Duchess von Teschers body... I have no doubt that it will. And after that, I came in here and you asked me why I was late You've stolen Imperial property That seems trivial compared with murder Even if that were true, you have no jurisdiction here That's right. You may do as you wish here, without consequence. Nobody can punish you - Except one man - Who's that? The emperor I don't suppose he'll leave his crown to a murderer, do you? - He'll never believe you - Maybe not Hmm But, I wrote a letter to his general staff telling them... everything. Including your plan to overthrow the emperor. I know they'll listen to that You'll not take the throne... not with my help. You no longer want to be chief of police? Mayor of Vienna? You don't want to be a baron, an aristocrat? I'm afraid that's out of the question at this point You fool He's tricking you He's manipulating you He had the sword at a command performance He could have pried the stones loose then and planted them here - He has planted everything - You're drunk It's all a trick It's an illusion Perhaps there's truth in this illusion You need to wire your driver, and have the sword returned - Or what? - I'll shoot you Perhaps I'll shoot you anyway And then you'll have killed a police inspector and a duchess Or perhaps you'll kill yourself You, uh, committed suicide, distraught at having failed your leader [Horses Galloping] Ah. Some officers of the general staff, I'd guess. They must have received my letter - What do you want? - I don't want anything Fine Fine You shall have nothing - Gentlemen... - The situation is so obvious Everyone's completely incompetent My father runs the empire into the ground and no one notices, no one knows anything about it I propose to clean up the mess, and you betray me! You're all becoming irrelevant You will be replaced [Sighs Deeply] The country will be run by mongrels! There's a thousand different voices screaming to be heard, and nothing will be done! Nothing! I've done everything I can Too much! [Gasping] - Far too much - [Knocking] [Man] Your Highness! Are you in there? [Man #2] Your Highness, open the door. - [Rattling] - Please. Open the door. - [Banging] - [Man] By your father's authority... I insist you open the door! - You must open the door! - [Banging Continues] - You're all fools - [Uhl Gasps] - Please, Your Highness! - I can't stand it - [Banging] - I won't stand it - [Body Thumps] - [Man] Break down the door. Break it down! - [Door Smashing] - [Groaning] - What happened? - The crown prince just shot himself [Sighs] [Groans] Are you Chief Inspector Uhl? I used to be You! Who gave you this? - Who gave you this? - Herr Eiseneim! When? - [Snorting] - [Man] Look out! [Conductor's Whistle Blowing] - All aboard! - [Train Whistle Blowing] Tickets and papers [Conductor] All aboard! [Train Whistle Blows] [Train Whistle Continues] [Voice Of Eiseneim] When it's done... you'll travel ahead with her, and I will follow - And she understands everything this entails? - Completely. [Willigut] Do you think that Eiseneim's behind all this? [Eiseneim] So, what does it mean, to die? - [Uhl] What do you want? - [Eiseneim] To be with her. [Uhl] To be with her. [Doctor] Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know. [Eiseneim] Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? - [Sophie] You're drunk. - [Uhl] You were drunk. [Leopold] He's a charlatan. He's a faker. He's planted everything. [Eiseneim] Everything you have seen is an illusion. - It's a trick. - [Gasps] [Sighs] [Whistle Wailing] [Laughing] [Continues Laughing] It's her! I know it's her! She wants to tell us something! - We must do something! - Sit down! - Please! - Hey! In the name of His Imperial Majesty and the city of Vienna... I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz... Also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist... - on charges of disturbing public order... Charlatanism and threats against the empire! Leave him alone! They're arresting him! They're arresting Eisenheim! Chief Inspector Uhl. - You're late. - My apologies, Your Highness. I was attending to the loose ends of the case. - Are there still loose ends? - Very few. Did he do it again? How does he do it? I'm afraid I still don't know. Did you ask him? He's not talking at this point. Well, I'm sure you have... methods... for that kind of thing. I want you to put an end to it. Surely you have something on him. Something from his past? Yes. Yes, I think I do. In fact, we know all about his life. We've spoken to almost everyone who ever knew him. As a boy, I'm told he had a chance encounter... with a traveling magician. Boy. Oneversion of the story was that the man himself.'... then vanished... along with the tree. Who knows what actually happened? People began to think he had some kind of special power... or at least that he was a bit different. And then he met her. - Don't drop it. - Careful, you're going to trip. - Drop it, you muck snipe. - Oh! Watch out for that hole, alley rat! - Drop it! - Come on. Pick a card. Put it back in the deck. Now, watch. Duchess von Teschen, you can't be in a place like this. They're peasants. Remember who you are. She was brought back to the castle... and they were forbidden to see each other. But soon, they were doing just that. Over the next few years, they could always find a way to be together. Quick, come on. InChinathere'samagician that could make anything disappear— a house, a wagon, anything. We'll go visit him. They can't stop us if we want to be together. They'll never find us. Do you promise you'll take me with you? One day I will. One day we'll run away together. We'll disappear. There's a secret way to open it. I wanted a picture. Sophie, are you there? - We must hurry! They're coming! - Duchess von Teschen! Duchess von Teschen! - Duchess von Teschen! - Duchess von Teschen! Make us disappear. Make us disappear. Duchess von Teschen! Stop. Stop. - Don't do this. - Let go! - Let me go. Let go! - Your father's waiting for you. - Let go! - No! - Eduard! - Please, let go! - No! - Let me go! Let her go, please! - Let go! Stop it! - Sophie! Eduard! - Sophie! - Eduard! Sophie. Stay away from her, or next time... we'll arrest you and your family. What happened next remains a mystery. We do know that he traveled the world... that he began to perform his magic in public... that he changed his name to Eisenheim. And then almost 15 years later... he appeared in Vienna. Life and death... space and time... fate and chance. These are the forces of the universe. Tonight, ladies and gentleman... I present to you a man who has unlocked these mysteries. From the furthest corners of the world... where the dark arts still hold sway... he returns to us to demonstrate... how nature's laws may be bent. I give you... Eisenheim. Might I borrow a handkerchief from someone? You, madam. Thank you. Ah, be patient. Now, if you please. I would like to continue with an examination of time. From the moment we enter this life, we are in the flow of it. We measure it and we mark it, but we cannot defy it. We cannot even speed it up or slow it down. Or can we? Have we not each experienced the sensation... that a beautiful moment seemed to pass too quickly... and wished that we could make it linger? Or felt time slow on a dull day... and wished that we could speed things up a bit? I assure you, they're quite real. Is it real? Let's see. And you, madam, where is your handkerchief? Bravo! Very good. Give us something, please. - Please, give us something. Please. - What's all this? We're poor. - Do you think you're poor? - Yes. I want to show you something. You're not poor. You have everything that you need right here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And that's yours. And this too. I've got the magic one! - Good morning. - Good morning. - Coffee? - No. - Strudel? I have two. - Nothing, thank you. You look very pleased with yourself. How are the receipts? - Not bad. A three-quarter house. - Well done. But we're going to do better than that. Listen to this. Listen. "There is no argument that his uncanny displays... "separate him from the ranks of garden-variety stage wizards. "Some of his effects transcend mere illusion... "and approach the realm of art. He is very young to be so masterful." Do you see? We'll pack the house with this review. We are going to make more money than you ever dreamed of. But if it was mechanical. Maybe he had it wrapped in some kind ofbark? Oh, I know, of course I thought of that. It's the butterflies I'm trying to work out. Oh, for Pete's sake. Invisible wire. Too obvious. How many men have you detailed for tonight? We have eight men inside, another eight out front. Perhaps you'll get another look at your butterflies. Mmm. - Come on in. - Check the last 10 rows there. You! Don't touch that! - Put that down! - Ah, Herr Eisenheim. Who are you and what do you think you're doing? I'm Chief Inspector Walter Uhl and I'm inspecting your theater. I've seen you perform. Very impressive. - Very impressive. - How can we help you, Inspector? You will be honored to know the crown prince... plans to attend your performance tonight. - The crown prince? - Yes! So, obviously we have to inspect the theater. I think that one's small for an assassin, don't you? Yes, the orange tree. You know, I have seen things like this before... but never one like that. - Extraordinary. - Thank you. I have been puzzling over how it works... especially how the butterflies fly. I assure you, your secret is safe with me. I'm an officer of the law after all, and a bit of an amateur conjurer. - Are you really? - Yes. Well, card tricks, coins, uh, sleight of hand, yes. Hmm. But nothing fancy. Perhaps you'll give me a tip. Yes, all right. I'll show you one I'm very fond of. Are you a gambling man? - On occasion, yes. - I will bet you the secret of the orange tree... that I can guess which hand you place this in every time. Excellent. Put it in your fist, raise your hand against your forehead... concentrate on it, form a mental picture. - Yes. - Have you got it? - Yes. - Put your hands in front of you. It's in your left. - Well— - A lucky guess, perhaps. You have a confederate who signals you. - No. It's more primitive than that. - Uh-huh. When you raise your hand to your head, the blood drains from it. It will be paler every time. Oh. Oh, I like that very much. Please take it with my compliments. Why, thank you. Eh, the blood drains. Now, Inspector... If you don't mind, I've got to prepare for tonight's performance. Ah. Please stand for His Imperial Highness... Crown Prince Leopold. I thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul. All of the greatest religions... speak of the soul's endurance beyond the end of life. So, what then does it mean... to die? I need a volunteer from the audience. Someone not afraid of death. Please, someone? I assure you, no tragedy will befall you. It's an honor, Duchess von Teschen. Do you know me? No. You're quite certain that we've never met before? Yes, of course. Now please gaze directly into my eyes. Look nowhere else. Wave to yourself. Turn in a circle. Now bow to yourself. Away. They must have liked you. They've waited for you nearly five minutes. Your Highness, may I introduce Eisenheim the Illusionist? - Well done. - Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, we more than enjoyed it. Stimulated great debate amongst us, hasn't it? Except of course for your assistant, Duchess von Teschen. You seemed to have struck her quite speechless. A feat in itself. - Did you hypnotize her? - In a fashion. I'd like to learn that trick. Rainier here thinks you have supernatural powers. Do you claim supernatural powers? I've never said anything of that kind. - Then you won't mind a question or two. - Now let's not ruin it. Youneedn'tdivulge anything I can't guess. As you wish. Your assistants are behind the mirror... somewhere in robes obviously. Lights in the frame perhaps to illuminate them, or angled mirrors? That would be one way to do it. I think I understand it all except the ghost. That was very, very good. Another viewing perhaps? You must come to the Hofburg next time. We'll make an evening of it. That will be my pleasure. So be it. Sophie? And we'll gather our best minds next time. You'll really have a challenge then. Then I'll prepare something special. Perhaps I'll make you disappear. My God. When he volunteered her... I heard the crashing sound of money falling on me in piles. Every lady of means in Vienna will want to get up there with you now. - Mmm. - What a show-off. His father would have died if he had seen such a display. - She didn't seem too happy about it either. - She'd better get used to it. - How's that? - Word is she'll marry him soon. - Really? - Taking her chances if you ask me. - Why? - He likes to give his lady friends... a good thrashing now and again. People say he pushed one of them off a balcony... just to cover the beating he'd given her. For Herr Eisenheim. Hello, Sophie. When I was on the stage, you knew me right away. It took me a moment... but, yes, I knew. You could have said something. I thought you'd figure it out eventually. Yes, I would have. I would have come another night, volunteered... walked right on stage and said, "Hello." And then you'd really have had to move quickly. I suspect you would have. I don't understand why. Perhaps for the same reasons you find it prudent to meet in a carriage. It's just a game I have to play with them. I'm followed everywhere. It's— It's supposed to be for my protection. Yes. So, I hear congratulations are in order. What for? They say you'll be the princess. - It's not decided at all. - Ah. It makes a certain sense, I suppose. We've known each other for years, and of course, our families. He's very intelligent. A little too intelligent for his own good. You're lucky, you know... to have broken free as you did. I often wish that I had— Wished what? Wished that I would see you again. And now you have. Yes, now I have. I look forward to seeing you again at the Hofburg. Until then. Here's the report on Duchess von Teschen. Mmm. Anything interesting? See for yourself. The magician? They drove around for half an hour. Then he got out near the theater. What do you want us to do? Join us for a drink? Please. You like something to eat, something to drink, hmm? - No, thank you. - Herr Eisenheim... I'm going to ask you a question... that may not seem friendly... but I assure you, in fact, is. What is your relationship with the Duchess von Teschen? You're right, that doesn't seem friendly. Oh, but that is precisely my point. For, you see, where others might judge... a discreet carriage ride for what it seemed to be... I am willing to find out what it actually was. All right. We were childhood acquaintances. Acquaintances? Childhood friends. My father was a cabinetmaker. He made the furniture for her family's house. I see, the cabinetmaker's son friends with a— - Has there been a complaint? - Oh, no, no. If there'd been a complaint... well, we'd be having a very, uh, different sort of conversation. Yes. He relies on you for that sort of thing, does he? I'm a simple public servant, Herr Eisenheim. That's not what I hear. I hear you'll be the chief of police very soon. - Maybe mayor of Vienna? Party secretary? - All subject to his whim. You better hope he doesn't dissolve the parliament before you get there. Now the prince has some progressive ideas, but he will make a fine emperor. Well, they say you're very close to him, so I'm sure you'll do fine. Look. Yes, indeed, they say that I'm very close to the prince. But the simple truth of the matter is, Herr Eisenheim, I'm the son of a butcher. He's the heir to the empire. How close could we be to such as him? Hmm? Do you see my point? Don't fool yourself that you can play in their game. I've served on the edge of it... for... many, many years... and I can tell you with certainty... there's no trick they haven't seen. It's not worth it. My guest tonight... is not a showman at all, but rather a wizard... who has sold his soul to the devil... in return for unholy powers. Or so at least some of our friends here would have us believe. But fear not. Everything can and will be explained. - All mysteries penetrated. - Hear! Hear! Well said! Well said! - Is that the emperor? - Ah, yes, your father. I didn't think he was invited. Bravo. A fair likeness of the old man. Too modern a style for him, of course. I'm afraid I'm not much of a painter. It's true. There are no brushstrokes in this painting. I can see that clearly. So to achieve the color... some sort of chemical must be interacting, presumably. Some sort of sprayer up your sleeve? - May I? - If you feel you must. - I do. - Oh, let the man do his show. You want me to just sit there when it's so obvious? I do. He tries to trick you. I try to enlighten you. Which is the more noble pursuit? May we have the lights, please... so His Highness can better see? - See here, Leopold, let's have the show. - Hear! Hear! - Come on, Leopold. - Get on with it. Very well. I propose a challenge. Why don't you astonish us... if you can... without all the... gadgetry? As you wish. Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? Certainly. May I? Where does power flow from? Skill or destiny, or divine right? We all know the story of a sword called Excalibur. Excalibur's blade was fixed in stone... and there it stayed. Many worthy knights tried to pull the sword from the stone. Only Arthur succeeded... proving his right to rule. Who can take this sword? You, sir, can you take the sword? No surprise there. Perhaps you, sir. Not so eager, cousin. Come on. You can do it. - Do it! Do it! - Come on! You shall live a long life. Thank you for your indulgence. Come now. If you can't pull it out, you'll never be emperor. Your father will live to be a hundred. The sword to its rightful owner! That's enough light entertainment for this evening. For more serious discussion, please join me for a drink. Shut him down. Well, he's very popular, Your Highness. I'm sure you'll find a way. - What did you do to him? - I gave him what he asked for. What would possess you to do something so foolish? DuchessvonTeschen, you must come along, my dear. We don't want to keep the prince waiting. - Did you enjoy the show? - It was wonderful, wasn't it? It was amusing. Who told you where to find me? Your manager. I told him if he wants to stay in Vienna, you need my help. Ah, so I'm to be driven from the city, is that it? - Good. I shall relish it. - Stop it! I came here to try to help you. Why? Why should you possibly care what happens to me now? You were my friend. I am your friend. We knew each other very briefly a long time ago. You don't know me at all. Then why did you speak to me? Why did you even bother talking— And you kept it all this time. I used to sit and stare at your picture... trying to imagine where you were. At night I'd have dreams I had gone with you... and then I'd wake up and realize where I was. But in my dreams you had shorter hair and no beard. Where did you go when you left? To my uncle's farm near Prague. How exotic. I went to Russia... then Asia Minor... and then the Orient for many years. So long. I always meant to return. I just— I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner. What? A real mystery. I saw remarkable things... but the only mystery I never solved was... why my heart couldn't let go of you. He wants me to go to Budapest... with him next week to announce our engagement. He wants the Hungarians behind him. They're going to crown him king. I'm sure his father will have something to say about that. He plans to overthrow his father. That could go very badly for him... and for you. You shouldn't be involved. I am part of his plan. He only gets Hungary by aligning himself with my family. - Leave him. - It's not that easy. Call it off and come away with me. Or don't say anything and we'll just go. As long as we're alive... he'll hunt us. And when he finds us, he'll kill us. Look at me. Do you truly want to leave with me? Yes, I do. There you are. As I predicted, they've shut us down. Are you happy now, hmm? You made your point. It doesn't matter that we were sold out for the whole run! No, look. You got it off your chest. - Do we have money? - What? - Do we have any money saved? - Yes, we have some. But we could have had much, much more. Mmm, it will have to do. And the second account, all of it. Of course, Herr Eisenheim. Thank you. And you have no doubt it was Duchess von Teschen? I'd stake my life on it. What was in this suitcase? I don't know. He's by the first car. The map will show you where to meet. When it's done, you'll travel ahead with her and I shall follow. Andsheunderstands everything this entails? Completely. There's not a lot of time. As you know, we sometimes follow... Duchess von Teschen for her protection. Yesterday she was seen in the company of another man. What man? Eisenheim the Illusionist. What were they doing? - Well, they were meeting and, uh— - Touching? Kissing? Fornicating? Not that we observed, no. However, I have reason to believe that they may be planning something together. It's possible they may be leaving. I'm not certain of anything yet, Your Highness. Thank you, Inspector. We can, of course, acquire more information— He spent the afternoon in Vienna with his father. He's expected shortly. What a surprise. I thought you didn't like it here. I suppose you think you're very clever... and very democratic in your friendships. - Aren't you? - What are you talking about? Your magician friend. I know you've been with him. It's true. We've been friends since childhood. You sleep with all your childhood friends? I will not be spoken to this way. - You'll be spoken to as I wish to speak to you! - You're drunk. You're getting quite old, aren't you? You know, my mother was 16 years old when she married my father. And you? Can you even bear children? Are you any use at all? - Are you trying to embarrass me? - It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me! You will not share my bed if you've slept with him! You don't understand. I'm not going to share your bed at all. I'm not going to Budapest with you. I don't want to be part of what you're planning. And I will not marry you. I assume you haven't been so stupid as to tell him anything. 'Cause if you disrupt my plans, I will have no further use for you. Do you understand? Now, you will travel to Budapest tomorrow. I recommend that you are here early, packed and ready to go. Do nothing more to embarrass me. Good-bye. What do you mean, "Good-bye"? Come back here. Come back here! Don't disobey me again. Whore! Out of my way. Please, don't. No, leave that. Leave all the lanterns. Duchess von Teschen! Duchess von Teschen! Maybe look on that side! Over here! Whoa. Whoa. I thought you saw her get on the train with him. No, sir. We were waiting in Vienna for them, but they left from Baden. We assumed she was with him. ShouldI wire the crown prince in Budapest? It's been done. - Who are you? - I'm the family's doctor. Are you the chief inspector? Yes, I am. You understand this is a police matter now? - Of course I understand. - Good, good. - You have determined the cause of death? - She bled to death. There's a wound on her throat... just above the left collarbone. Perhaps from a knife or a sword. May I take a look? Inspector, l-I will not stand for it. The crown prince will not stand for it. This is not some circus sideshow. My apologies, of course. Thank you, Doctor. Probably robbed. Gypsies, maybe. Saw all those diamonds, couldn't say no. Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know. - Yes, what is that? - In the folds of her dress... I found this small gemstone. Seen last Thursday at 7:30 p.m., riding without an escort... toward the Imperial Hunting Lodge. Groomsman said she arrived about 8:30. What was she doing riding alone? He did this. You know he did. - I know who did what? - The crown prince! He killed her. He's done it before, and you know it. No, I don't know that. In fact, I'm sure he didn't. He's in Budapest. - He killed her before he left! - I'm afraid the facts don't support your theory. - She was leaving him. - For who? You? - Yes! - Don't be absurd, Herr Eisenheim. He killed her because he couldn't let her go. - She knew his secret. - What secret? - Ask your inspector. He knows— - Stop this right now! Are you completely corrupt? No, not completely. No. Which is why I'll advise you not to accuse anyone, especially His Imperial Highness. Or you will end up in jail yourself. - Where's the guard who let her out of the gate? - Gone with the crown prince. - Did any of the servants see her leave? - All asleep. Ah-ha. What about him? He, uh, he put her horse in the first stall when she arrived. Ah. Was it this one? We don't have jurisdiction on Imperial property. Thank you. I know. So what are you doing? Investigating. Listening to that magician, are you? For all we know, he did it. No, I think not. The crown prince is back. Chief Inspector. We should go. Now. What have you found out? - She was last seen riding here, alone. - Yes. And based on your information, I then threw her out. - Did she commit suicide? - No. It was surely murder. - Do you have a suspect? - We will soon, Your Highness. Laterthatweek,we arrested a man and charged him with murder... but I knew that that wouldn't satisfy Eisenheim. I had my men continue to watch him. He finally emerged from his grief and bought a rundown theater. It's perfect. He fired his manager... and began preparing for a new kind of show. Who is he? My name is Frankel. - Where did you come from? - I come from Brunn. My father is a lens grinder there. How have you come to be here tonight? - I don't know. - Are you alive? Whatcanyoutellus about the other side? - What's it like? - Yes, tell us. You must know things. Secret things. Say something spiritual. They don't seem to think it's a trick. Eisenheim! Come out and talk to us! Eisenheim'saudience had always been enthusiastic... but now he was attracting a more... impassioned following. Madame. Please? With these spirits, these manifestations... With these spirits, these manifestations... Eisenheim has given us hard proof... of the soul's immortality. The spirit has been reaffirmed... in the face of modern, scientific materialism. The work of spiritualism will rouse humanity... to a new, moral earnestness. "It is a revolutionary movement, and we will turn the empire... into a spiritual republic." Do you think Eisenheim's behind all this? Why must I be bothered with a magician? He is proving to be more than a magician, Your Highness. He is a charlatan. He's a faker. He pretends to have supernatural powers— Put him on trial for fraud. - First, we have to show it is fraud. - Then do it. Find out how the trick is done, and then arrest him. This is just a rough demonstration, Inspector. But you can see how it could work. Yes, I see. Not bad, not bad. We need a spy in Eisenheim's troupe. - Those Orientals, they won't give us anything. - Mm. - I already tried. - Yeah. Then try something else. What has happened here? One of those ghosts from the theater down the street. - Yes. Up there. - Where? - There. - Right there. And it's a boy. - Yes. Look, look. - Sick! - Where is this thing? - Right there. - Over there. - Uh-huh. Did you see it? God. An apparition. I saw it. I swear. - Yes! - Right over there. Where are you taking him? I want to know how it's done. First the orange tree, now this. Do I have to share all my professional secrets with the police? Well, in this case, yes, or I'll be forced to arrest you. - On what charge? - Oh, well, we'll start with fraud. - Excuse me, Chief Inspector— - What? I think you should look outside the window. - Who are they? - They are here for him. My goodness, you have a devoted following. - What is it they expect of you? - I have no idea. What do your spies tell you? That you plan to subvert the monarchy, perhaps. Why? Just because the crown prince is a murderer? He's not a murderer. We have the real murderer in prison. - He pleaded guilty. - You've got the wrong man. - You don't know that. - No, but you do. Herr Eisenheim, you will also go to prison... if you don't explain to me what it is you are doing. - Let him go! - Or we will! The sentence will be greater if that mob attacks the building. Eisenheim! Eisenheim! Eisenheim! Well? What are you doing? Stop! - Stop! - Eisenheim! There he is! Listen to me, please! You must listen to me, please! Thank you all for coming. I have been speaking with the chief inspector. And I think there's been a serious misunderstanding. I want you all to know... that everything that you have seen in my theater is an illusion. It's a trick. It's not real. I can't bring loved ones back from the grave. I can't receive messages from the other side. I apologize if I've given you any false hope. My intention has only been to entertain, nothing more. Now I appreciate your support. But you must go home. Please, you must go. There, now. I've explained it, so it can't be fraud. May I go? Has he tricked you? Is that it? No, Your Highness. Then why are you failing me? I thought I could trust you. I thought you were a man I could bring with me when I took the throne. - Am I wrong about you? - No. You're not wrong, Your Highness, no. I need men who can complete the tasks assigned to them! Instead, I'm surrounded by fools. In the end, I must do everything myself. I can see this case will be no different. - How do I look? - Ordinary, Your Highness. Very ordinary. I think I'm going to enjoy this. - They don't recognize you. - Good. And keep your distance. I don't want to be seen with a policeman. Who are you? Are you Duchess von Teschen? Yes. What's happened to you? She was murdered. Were you murdered? By who? Did they arrest the right man? Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - Tell us. - Someone. Here. Tell us, and point him out. Was it the crown prince? He's killed a woman before! Hey! The crown prince isn't even here. Thecrownprince killed her! Something must be done! Chief Inspector, are you sure you have the right man? - Quite sure. Excuse me. - Did you investigate the crown prince? He cannot continue if this is true. - He must be brought to justice. - It's not true. The magic trick is not evidence. What is your name? - I don't see how that matters. - I advise you to watch what you say, sir. That actress didn't even look like Sophie. But the audience is stupid and he knows it. He manipulates them. He himself said nothing. His actress said nothing inflammatory. He left it to the audience to make their accusations. All plants paid for by him, of course. I don't suppose you made a note of those people? I'm afraid we didn't have enough men tonight. At the next performance, I want them all arrested. Every one of them. Eisenheim, the whole troupe. I want to have an example made of him... in front of all his followers. That was very foolish last night. You can't destroy him, you know. - You can't bring down the monarchy. - Oh, I know I can't. Then don't raise her again. Don't provoke those questions. Eisenheim, I don't want to arrest you. I'm a cynical man, God knows... but if your manifestations are somehow real... then even I'm willing to admit, you're a very special person. And if it's a trick, then it's equally impressive. Either way, you have a gift. So don't make me put you in jail! Promise me you won't do it again. I promise you, you'll enjoy this next show. What do you want? - Nothing. - Then why bring her back? Just to be with her. To be with her. - Everything is ready? - Yes, sir. - We're trying to assess how he might escape. - He will not escape. - I want guards at every door and window! - Sir. I want to apologize to you for my behavior oflate. But I want to make it up to you, if you'll listen to a proposition. - Well, I don't know. - I'll make it worth your while, Josef. You know, I'm very busy right now. I haven't just been sitting around waiting for you. No. No, of course. I want you to assume control of all my finances. And my assets. - Everything. - Everything? Yes. Including this theater... and all the receipts from tonight's performance... which I offer with my sincere thanks. - What do you say? - All right. - I'll do it. - Good. Good. Would you like me to introduce you tonight? No. Tonight, just enjoy the show. Excuse me, Chief Inspector. I'm Josef Fischer, Eisenheim's manager. Yes, I remember. - What's going on? Why all the police? - Precautions, Herr Fischer. - Precautions. - Are you planning to arrest Eisenheim? Oh, that's entirely up to him. There! There! It's Duchess von Teschen! Why were you murdered? - I was leaving him. - Leaving who? - The crown prince? - Of course it was. - We won't stand for it! - I tried to get away. I was wearing my locket when I died. But now it's gone. It's lost. - Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - Was it the crown prince? We must do something! - Come along. - We must help her! To the front! Step out! In the name of His Imperial Majesty... and the City of Vienna, I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz— also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist— on charges of disturbing public order... charlatanism and threats against the empire! - No! - Get back, get back! - Stop it! Stop it, all of you! - He disappeared. - Where is he? Find him! - Where is he? - He was right there. - How was his trick done? - No trick. - How is it done? - I don't know. Nobody know. Damn it! Ihadmy drivertake the sword to police headquarters. My men will examine it and see if it matches the gemstone... found on Duchess von Teschen's body— I have no doubt that it will. And after that, I came in here... and you asked me why I was late. You've stolen Imperial property. That seems trivial compared with murder. Even if that were true, you have no jurisdiction here. That's right. You may do as you wish here, without consequence. Nobody can punish you. - Except one man. - Who's that? The emperor. I don't suppose he'll leave his crown to a murderer, do you? - He'll never believe you. - Maybe not. Hmm. But, I wrote a letter to his general staff... telling them... everything. Including your plan to overthrow the emperor. I know they'll listen to that. You'll not take the throne— not with my help. You no longer want to be chief of police? Mayor of Vienna? You don't want to be a baron, an aristocrat? I'm afraid that's out of the question at this point. You fool. He's tricking you. He's manipulating you. He had the sword at a command performance. He could have pried the stones loose then and planted them here. - He has planted everything. - You're drunk. It's all a trick. It's an illusion. Perhaps there's truth in this illusion. You need to wire your driver, and have the sword returned. - Or what? - I'll shoot you. Perhaps I'll shoot you anyway. And then you'll have killed a police inspector and a duchess. Or perhaps you'll kill yourself. You, uh, committed suicide, distraught at having failed your leader. Ah. Some officers of the general staff, I'd guess. They must have received my letter. - What do you want? - I don't want anything. Fine. Fine. You shall have nothing. - Gentlemen— - The situation is so obvious. Everyone's completely incompetent. My father runs the empire into the ground... and no one notices, no one knows anything about it. I propose to clean up the mess, and you betray me! You're all becoming irrelevant. You will be replaced. The country will be run by mongrels! There's a thousand different voices screaming to be heard, and nothing will be done! Nothing! I've done everything I can. Too much! Far too much. YourHighness! Are you in there? Your Highness, open the door. Please. Open the door. By your father's authority... I insist you open the door! You must open the door! You're all fools. - Please, Your Highness! - I can't stand it. I won't stand it. Break down the door. Break it down! - What happened? - The crown prince just shot himself. Are you Chief Inspector Uhl? I used to be. You! Who gave you this? - Who gave you this? - Herr Eisenheim! When? - Look out! All aboard! Tickets and papers. All aboard! When it's done... you'll travel ahead with her, and I will follow. - And she understands everything this entails? - Completely. Doyouthinkthat Eisenheim's behind all this? So, what does it mean, to die? - What do you want? - To be with her. To be with her. ChiefInspector, there's one thing you should know. Yoursword is very beautiful. Might I see it? - You're drunk. - You were drunk. He's a charlatan. He's a faker. He's planted everything. Everything you have seen is an illusion. It's a trick. [Crowd Murmuring] [Gasps] It's her! I know it's her! She wants to tell us something! - We must do something! - [Man] Sit down! - [Woman] Please! - Hey! [Crowd Arguing] [Crowd Chattering] In the name of His Imperial Majesty and the city of Vienna... - I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz... - [Crowd Gasping] Also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist... - on charges of disturbing public order... - [Shouting] Charlatanism and threats against the empire! - [Woman] Leave him alone! - [Shouting Continues] They're arresting him! They're arresting Eisenheim! [Men Shouting] Chief Inspector Uhl. [Door Closes] - You're late. - My apologies, Your Highness. I was attending to the loose ends of the case. - Are there still loose ends? - Very few. Did he do it again? How does he do it? I'm afraid I still don't know. Did you ask him? He's not talking at this point. Well, I'm sure you have... methods... for that kind of thing. I want you to put an end to it. Surely you have something on him. Something from his past? Yes. Yes, I think I do. [Uhl Narrating] In fact, we know all about his life. We've spoken to almost everyone who ever knew him. As a boy, I'm told he had a chance encounter... with a traveling magician. [Man] Boy. [Uhl Narrating] One version of the story was that the man himself.'... then vanished... along with the tree. Who knows what actually happened? People began to think he had some kind of special power... or at least that he was a bit different. And then he met her. - [Boy] Don't drop it. - [Boy #2] Careful, you're going to trip. - Drop it, you muck snipe. - Oh! Watch out for that hole, alley rat! - Drop it! - Come on. [Boys Chuckling] [Eisenheim] Pick a card. Put it back in the deck. Now, watch. [Door Opens] Duchess von Teschen, you can't be in a place like this. They're peasants. Remember who you are. [Uhl Narrating] She was brought back to the castle... and they were forbidden to see each other. But soon, they were doing just that. Over the next few years, they could always find a way to be together. - Quick, come on. - [Both Chuckle] [Door Squeaking] [Eisenheim] In China there's a magician that could make anything disappear— a house, a wagon, anything. We'll go visit him. They can't stop us if we want to be together. They'll never find us. Do you promise you'll take me with you? One day I will. One day we'll run away together. We'll disappear. [Soft Tapping] There's a secret way to open it. I wanted a picture. [Footsteps Approaching] Sophie, are you there? - We must hurry! They're coming! - [Man] Duchess von Teschen! - [Door Closes] - Duchess von Teschen! - Duchess von Teschen! - [Man #2] Duchess von Teschen! Make us disappear. Make us disappear. [Man] Duchess von Teschen! [Footsteps Approaching] Stop. Stop. [Door Opens] - Don't do this. - Let go! - Let me go. Let go! - Your father's waiting for you. - [Sophie] Let go! - No! - Eduard! - Please, let go! - No! - Let me go! Let her go, please! - Let go! Stop it! - Sophie! Eduard! - Sophie! - Eduard! Sophie. [Grunts] [Man] Stay away from her, or next time... we'll arrest you and your family. [Uhl Narrating] What happened next remains a mystery. We do know that he traveled the world... that he began to perform his magic in public... that he changed his name to Eisenheim. And then almost 15 years later... he appeared in Vienna. [Man] Life and death... space and time... fate and chance. These are the forces of the universe. Tonight, ladies and gentleman... I present to you a man who has unlocked these mysteries. From the furthest corners of the world... where the dark arts still hold sway... he returns to us to demonstrate... how nature's laws may be bent. I give you... Eisenheim. [Applause] - [Crows Cawing] - [Crowd Gasps] Might I borrow a handkerchief from someone? You, madam. Thank you. Ah, be patient. Now, if you please. I would like to continue with an examination of time. From the moment we enter this life, we are in the flow of it. We measure it and we mark it, but we cannot defy it. We cannot even speed it up or slow it down. Or can we? Have we not each experienced the sensation... that a beautiful moment seemed to pass too quickly... and wished that we could make it linger? [Crowd Gasps] Or felt time slow on a dull day... and wished that we could speed things up a bit? [Crowd Murmuring] [Murmuring Continues] [Applause] I assure you, they're quite real. [Man] Is it real? Let's see. And you, madam, where is your handkerchief? [Murmuring] [Crowd Gasps] [Applause] Bravo! Very good. [Boy] Give us something, please. - Please, give us something. Please. - What's all this? We're poor. - Do you think you're poor? - Yes. I want to show you something. You're not poor. You have everything that you need right here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And that's yours. - And this too. - [Gasps] - [Coins Jangling On Ground] - [Boys Gasping] I've got the magic one! - Good morning. - Good morning. - Coffee? - No. - Strudel? I have two. - Nothing, thank you. You look very pleased with yourself. How are the receipts? - Not bad. A three-quarter house. - Well done. But we're going to do better than that. Listen to this. Listen. "There is no argument that his uncanny displays... "separate him from the ranks of garden-variety stage wizards. "Some of his effects transcend mere illusion... "and approach the realm of art. He is very young to be so masterful." Do you see? We'll pack the house with this review. We are going to make more money than you ever dreamed of. [Man] But if it was mechanical. Maybe he had it wrapped in some kind ofbark? Oh, I know, of course I thought of that. It's the butterflies I'm trying to work out. Oh, for Pete's sake. Invisible wire. Too obvious. How many men have you detailed for tonight? We have eight men inside, another eight out front. Perhaps you'll get another look at your butterflies. Mmm. - [Man] Come on in. - Check the last 10 rows there. - You! Don't touch that! - [Knocking Table] - Put that down! - Ah, Herr Eisenheim. Who are you and what do you think you're doing? I'm Chief Inspector Walter Uhl and I'm inspecting your theater. I've seen you perform. Very impressive. - Very impressive. - How can we help you, Inspector? You will be honored to know the crown prince... plans to attend your performance tonight. - The crown prince? - Yes! So, obviously we have to inspect the theater. I think that one's small for an assassin, don't you? [Chuckles] Yes, the orange tree. You know, I have seen things like this before... but never one like that. - Extraordinary. - Thank you. I have been puzzling over how it works... especially how the butterflies fly. I assure you, your secret is safe with me. I'm an officer of the law after all, and a bit of an amateur conjurer. - Are you really? - Yes. Well, card tricks, coins, uh, sleight of hand, yes. Hmm. But nothing fancy. Perhaps you'll give me a tip. Yes, all right. I'll show you one I'm very fond of. Are you a gambling man? - On occasion, yes. - I will bet you the secret of the orange tree... that I can guess which hand you place this in every time. Excellent. Put it in your fist, raise your hand against your forehead... concentrate on it, form a mental picture. - Yes. - Have you got it? - Yes. - Put your hands in front of you. It's in your left. - Well— - A lucky guess, perhaps. You have a confederate who signals you. - No. It's more primitive than that. - Uh-huh. When you raise your hand to your head, the blood drains from it. It will be paler every time. Oh. Oh, I like that very much. Please take it with my compliments. Why, thank you. Eh, the blood drains. - Now, Inspector... - [Chuckles] If you don't mind, I've got to prepare for tonight's performance. Ah. [Chuckles] [Chattering] [Announcer] Please stand for His Imperial Highness... Crown Prince Leopold. [Crowd Applauding] [Crowd Gasping] I thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul. All of the greatest religions... speak of the soul's endurance beyond the end of life. So, what then does it mean... to die? I need a volunteer from the audience. Someone not afraid of death. Please, someone? I assure you, no tragedy will befall you. [Crowd Murmuring] [Murmuring Continues] It's an honor, Duchess von Teschen. Do you know me? No. You're quite certain that we've never met before? Yes, of course. Now please gaze directly into my eyes. Look nowhere else. Wave to yourself. Turn in a circle. Now bow to yourself. [Crowd Laughing] [Crowd Gasping] - [Crowd Gasping] - [Woman Screams] Away. [Crowd Gasps] [Chattering] They must have liked you. They've waited for you nearly five minutes. Your Highness, may I introduce Eisenheim the Illusionist? [Applause] - Well done. - Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, we more than enjoyed it. Stimulated great debate amongst us, hasn't it? Except of course for your assistant, Duchess von Teschen. You seemed to have struck her quite speechless. A feat in itself. - Did you hypnotize her? - In a fashion. - I'd like to learn that trick. - [Men Laughing] Rainier here thinks you have supernatural powers. Do you claim supernatural powers? I've never said anything of that kind. - Then you won't mind a question or two. - Now let's not ruin it. [Leopold] You needn't divulge anything I can't guess. As you wish. Your assistants are behind the mirror... somewhere in robes obviously. Lights in the frame perhaps to illuminate them, or angled mirrors? That would be one way to do it. I think I understand it all except the ghost. That was very, very good. Another viewing perhaps? You must come to the Hofburg next time. We'll make an evening of it. That will be my pleasure. [Leopold] So be it. Sophie? And we'll gather our best minds next time. You'll really have a challenge then. Then I'll prepare something special. Perhaps I'll make you disappear. My God. When he volunteered her... I heard the crashing sound of money falling on me in piles. Every lady of means in Vienna will want to get up there with you now. - Mmm. - What a show-off. His father would have died if he had seen such a display. - She didn't seem too happy about it either. - She'd better get used to it. - How's that? - Word is she'll marry him soon. - Really? - Taking her chances if you ask me. - Why? - He likes to give his lady friends... a good thrashing now and again. People say he pushed one of them off a balcony... just to cover the beating he'd given her. For Herr Eisenheim. [Hooves Beating] Hello, Sophie. When I was on the stage, you knew me right away. It took me a moment... but, yes, I knew. You could have said something. I thought you'd figure it out eventually. Yes, I would have. I would have come another night, volunteered... walked right on stage and said, "Hello." And then you'd really have had to move quickly. I suspect you would have. I don't understand why. Perhaps for the same reasons you find it prudent to meet in a carriage. It's just a game I have to play with them. I'm followed everywhere. It's— It's supposed to be for my protection. Yes. So, I hear congratulations are in order. What for? They say you'll be the princess. - It's not decided at all. - Ah. It makes a certain sense, I suppose. We've known each other for years, and of course, our families. He's very intelligent. A little too intelligent for his own good. You're lucky, you know... to have broken free as you did. I often wish that I had— Wished what? Wished that I would see you again. And now you have. Yes, now I have. I look forward to seeing you again at the Hofburg. Until then. [Door Opens] [Door Closes] Here's the report on Duchess von Teschen. Mmm. Anything interesting? See for yourself. [Clears Throat] The magician? They drove around for half an hour. Then he got out near the theater. What do you want us to do? Join us for a drink? Please. You like something to eat, something to drink, hmm? - No, thank you. - Herr Eisenheim... I'm going to ask you a question... that may not seem friendly... but I assure you, in fact, is. [Clears Throat] What is your relationship with the Duchess von Teschen? You're right, that doesn't seem friendly. Oh, but that is precisely my point. For, you see, where others might judge... a discreet carriage ride for what it seemed to be... I am willing to find out what it actually was. All right. We were childhood acquaintances. Acquaintances? Childhood friends. My father was a cabinetmaker. - He made the furniture for her family's house. - [Chuckles] I see, the cabinetmaker's son friends with a— - Has there been a complaint? - Oh, no, no. If there'd been a complaint... well, we'd be having a very, uh, different sort of conversation. Yes. He relies on you for that sort of thing, does he? I'm a simple public servant, Herr Eisenheim. That's not what I hear. I hear you'll be the chief of police very soon. - Maybe mayor of Vienna? Party secretary? - All subject to his whim. You better hope he doesn't dissolve the parliament before you get there. Now the prince has some progressive ideas, but he will make a fine emperor. Well, they say you're very close to him, so I'm sure you'll do fine. Look. Yes, indeed, they say that I'm very close to the prince. But the simple truth of the matter is, Herr Eisenheim, I'm the son of a butcher. He's the heir to the empire. How close could we be to such as him? Hmm? Do you see my point? Don't fool yourself that you can play in their game. I've served on the edge of it... for... many, many years... and I can tell you with certainty... there's no trick they haven't seen. It's not worth it. My guest tonight... is not a showman at all, but rather a wizard... who has sold his soul to the devil... in return for unholy powers. Or so at least some of our friends here would have us believe. - [All Laughing] - But fear not. Everything can and will be explained. - All mysteries penetrated. - [Man] Hear! Hear! [Man #2] Well said! Well said! [Crowd Gasps] - [Man] Is that the emperor? - [Man #2] Ah, yes, your father. I didn't think he was invited. [Man] Bravo. A fair likeness of the old man. - Too modern a style for him, of course. - [Laughter] I'm afraid I'm not much of a painter. It's true. There are no brushstrokes in this painting. I can see that clearly. So to achieve the color... some sort of chemical must be interacting, presumably. Some sort of sprayer up your sleeve? - May I? - If you feel you must. - I do. - Oh, let the man do his show. You want me to just sit there when it's so obvious? - [Laughter] - I do. He tries to trick you. I try to enlighten you. Which is the more noble pursuit? May we have the lights, please... so His Highness can better see? - [Man] See here, Leopold, let's have the show. - [Man #2] Hear! Hear! - Come on, Leopold. - Get on with it. [Leopold] Very well. I propose a challenge. Why don't you astonish us... if you can... without all the... gadgetry? As you wish. Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? Certainly. May I? Where does power flow from? Skill or destiny, or divine right? We all know the story of a sword called Excalibur. Excalibur's blade was fixed in stone... and there it stayed. [Crowd Murmuring] Many worthy knights tried to pull the sword from the stone. Only Arthur succeeded... proving his right to rule. Who can take this sword? You, sir, can you take the sword? [Grunting] [Scattered Laughter] No surprise there. - [Crowd Laughing] - Perhaps you, sir. - Not so eager, cousin. - [Laughter] [Man] Come on. You can do it. - [Woman] Do it! Do it! - [Man #2] Come on! [Crowd Shouting] [Grunts] You shall live a long life. Thank you for your indulgence. [Applause] Come now. If you can't pull it out, you'll never be emperor. - Your father will live to be a hundred. - [Laughter] [Grunts] The sword to its rightful owner! [Applause] That's enough light entertainment for this evening. For more serious discussion, please join me for a drink. [Crowd Applauding] Shut him down. Well, he's very popular, Your Highness. I'm sure you'll find a way. - What did you do to him? - I gave him what he asked for. What would possess you to do something so foolish? [Woman] Duchess von Teschen, you must come along, my dear. We don't want to keep the prince waiting. - Did you enjoy the show? - It was wonderful, wasn't it? It was amusing. [Hoofbeats Approaching] Who told you where to find me? Your manager. I told him if he wants to stay in Vienna, you need my help. Ah, so I'm to be driven from the city, is that it? - Good. I shall relish it. - Stop it! I came here to try to help you. Why? Why should you possibly care what happens to me now? You were my friend. I am your friend. We knew each other very briefly a long time ago. You don't know me at all. Then why did you speak to me? Why did you even bother talking— And you kept it all this time. I used to sit and stare at your picture... trying to imagine where you were. At night I'd have dreams I had gone with you... and then I'd wake up and realize where I was. But in my dreams you had shorter hair and no beard. [Sighs] Where did you go when you left? To my uncle's farm near Prague. How exotic. [Chuckles] I went to Russia... then Asia Minor... and then the Orient for many years. So long. I always meant to return. I just— I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner. What? A real mystery. I saw remarkable things... but the only mystery I never solved was... why my heart couldn't let go of you. [Kisses Hand] He wants me to go to Budapest... with him next week to announce our engagement. He wants the Hungarians behind him. They're going to crown him king. I'm sure his father will have something to say about that. He plans to overthrow his father. That could go very badly for him... and for you. You shouldn't be involved. [Sighs] I am part of his plan. He only gets Hungary by aligning himself with my family. - Leave him. - It's not that easy. Call it off and come away with me. Or don't say anything and we'll just go. As long as we're alive... he'll hunt us. And when he finds us, he'll kill us. Look at me. Do you truly want to leave with me? Yes, I do. There you are. As I predicted, they've shut us down. Are you happy now, hmm? You made your point. It doesn't matter that we were sold out for the whole run! No, look. You got it off your chest. - Do we have money? - What? - Do we have any money saved? - Yes, we have some. But we could have had much, much more. Mmm, it will have to do. And the second account, all of it. [Man] Of course, Herr Eisenheim. Thank you. [People Chattering] And you have no doubt it was Duchess von Teschen? I'd stake my life on it. What was in this suitcase? I don't know. He's by the first car. [Train Whistle Blowing] [Eisenheim] The map will show you where to meet. When it's done, you'll travel ahead with her and I shall follow. [Older Man] And she understands everything this entails? [Eisenheim] Completely. There's not a lot of time. [Train Whistle Blowing] As you know, we sometimes follow... Duchess von Teschen for her protection. Yesterday she was seen in the company of another man. What man? Eisenheim the Illusionist. What were they doing? - Well, they were meeting and, uh— - Touching? Kissing? Fornicating? Not that we observed, no. However, I have reason to believe that they may be planning something together. It's possible they may be leaving. I'm not certain of anything yet, Your Highness. Thank you, Inspector. - We can, of course, acquire more information— - [Rifle Fires] He spent the afternoon in Vienna with his father. He's expected shortly. [Bottle Clanking] What a surprise. I thought you didn't like it here. I suppose you think you're very clever... and very democratic in your friendships. - Aren't you? - What are you talking about? Your magician friend. I know you've been with him. It's true. We've been friends since childhood. You sleep with all your childhood friends? I will not be spoken to this way. - You'll be spoken to as I wish to speak to you! - You're drunk. You're getting quite old, aren't you? You know, my mother was 16 years old when she married my father. And you? Can you even bear children? Are you any use at all? - Are you trying to embarrass me? - It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me! You will not share my bed if you've slept with him! You don't understand. I'm not going to share your bed at all. I'm not going to Budapest with you. I don't want to be part of what you're planning. And I will not marry you. I assume you haven't been so stupid as to tell him anything. 'Cause if you disrupt my plans, I will have no further use for you. Do you understand? Now, you will travel to Budapest tomorrow. I recommend that you are here early, packed and ready to go. Do nothing more to embarrass me. Good-bye. What do you mean, "Good-bye"? Come back here. Come back here! Don't disobey me again. Whore! [Sophie] Out of my way. - [Drawing Sword] - Please, don't. [Groans] [Horse Neighing] No, leave that. Leave all the lanterns. [Nickering, Snorting] [Man] Duchess von Teschen! Duchess von Teschen! [Man] Maybe look on that side! [Whimpers] [Man With Dog] Over here! Whoa. Whoa. I thought you saw her get on the train with him. No, sir. We were waiting in Vienna for them, but they left from Baden. - We assumed she was with him. - [Grunts] [Willigut] Should I wire the crown prince in Budapest? It's been done. - Who are you? - I'm the family's doctor. Are you the chief inspector? Yes, I am. You understand this is a police matter now? - Of course I understand. - Good, good. - You have determined the cause of death? - She bled to death. There's a wound on her throat... just above the left collarbone. Perhaps from a knife or a sword. May I take a look? Inspector, l-I will not stand for it. The crown prince will not stand for it. This is not some circus sideshow. My apologies, of course. [Sighs] Thank you, Doctor. Probably robbed. Gypsies, maybe. Saw all those diamonds, couldn't say no. Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know. - Yes, what is that? - In the folds of her dress... I found this small gemstone. Seen last Thursday at 7:30 p.m., riding without an escort... toward the Imperial Hunting Lodge. Groomsman said she arrived about 8:30. What was she doing riding alone? [Pack Of Dogs Barking] He did this. You know he did. - I know who did what? - The crown prince! He killed her. He's done it before, and you know it. No, I don't know that. In fact, I'm sure he didn't. He's in Budapest. - He killed her before he left! - I'm afraid the facts don't support your theory. - She was leaving him. - For who? You? - Yes! - Don't be absurd, Herr Eisenheim. He killed her because he couldn't let her go. - She knew his secret. - What secret? - Ask your inspector. He knows— - Stop this right now! [Scoffs] Are you completely corrupt? No, not completely. No. Which is why I'll advise you not to accuse anyone, especially His Imperial Highness. Or you will end up in jail yourself. [Hooves Beating] - Where's the guard who let her out of the gate? - Gone with the crown prince. - Did any of the servants see her leave? - All asleep. Ah-ha. What about him? He, uh, he put her horse in the first stall when she arrived. Ah. Was it this one? We don't have jurisdiction on Imperial property. Thank you. I know. So what are you doing? [Sighs] Investigating. Listening to that magician, are you? For all we know, he did it. No, I think not. The crown prince is back. [Whinnying] - Chief Inspector. - [Men Shouting] We should go. Now. - [Neighing] - [Sighs] What have you found out? - She was last seen riding here, alone. - Yes. And based on your information, I then threw her out. - Did she commit suicide? - No. It was surely murder. - Do you have a suspect? - We will soon, Your Highness. [Uhl Narrating] Later that week, we arrested a man and charged him with murder... but I knew that that wouldn't satisfy Eisenheim. I had my men continue to watch him. He finally emerged from his grief and bought a rundown theater. It's perfect. [Uhl Narrating] He fired his manager... and began preparing for a new kind of show. [Crowd Chattering] [Crowd Exclaiming] [Man] Who is he? My name is Frankel. - Where did you come from? - I come from Brunn. My father is a lens grinder there. How have you come to be here tonight? - I don't know. - [Woman] Are you alive? [Man] What can you tell us about the other side? - What's it like? - [Woman] Yes, tell us. [Woman #2] You must know things. Secret things. [Man] Say something spiritual. [Gasping] [Chattering] They don't seem to think it's a trick. [Man] Eisenheim! Come out and talk to us! [Uhl Narrating] Eisenheim's audience had always been enthusiastic... but now he was attracting a more... impassioned following. [Crowd Murmuring] [Eisenheim] Madame. Please? [Footsteps] [Crowd Gasps] With these spirits, these manifestations... With these spirits, these manifestations... Eisenheim has given us hard proof... of the soul's immortality. The spirit has been reaffirmed... in the face of modern, scientific materialism. The work of spiritualism will rouse humanity... to a new, moral earnestness. "It is a revolutionary movement, and we will turn the empire... into a spiritual republic." - [Blows] - Do you think Eisenheim's behind all this? [Sighs] Why must I be bothered with a magician? [Scoffs] He is proving to be more than a magician, Your Highness. He is a charlatan. He's a faker. [Snorts] He pretends to have supernatural powers— Put him on trial for fraud. - First, we have to show it is fraud. - Then do it. Find out how the trick is done, and then arrest him. This is just a rough demonstration, Inspector. But you can see how it could work. [Projector Chattering] Yes, I see. Not bad, not bad. We need a spy in Eisenheim's troupe. - Those Orientals, they won't give us anything. - Mm. - I already tried. - Yeah. Then try something else. [Creaking] [Door Banging] [Man, Indistinct] [Woman, Indistinct] What has happened here? One of those ghosts from the theater down the street. - Yes. Up there. - Where? - There. - Right there. And it's a boy. - Yes. Look, look. - Sick! - Where is this thing? - Right there. - [Sobbing] Over there. - Uh-huh. Did you see it? [Crying] Mm! [Man, Sighing] God. An apparition. I saw it. I swear. - [Man #2] Yes! - [Man #3] Right over there. [Woman Gasping] [Crowd Gasps] [Crowd Yelling] [Man] Where are you taking him? I want to know how it's done. First the orange tree, now this. Do I have to share all my professional secrets with the police? Well, in this case, yes, or I'll be forced to arrest you. - On what charge? - Oh, well, we'll start with fraud. - [Knocking] - [Door Opens] - Excuse me, Chief Inspector— - What? I think you should look outside the window. - Who are they? - They are here for him. Oh! My goodness, you have a devoted following. - What is it they expect of you? - I have no idea. What do your spies tell you? That you plan to subvert the monarchy, perhaps. Why? Just because the crown prince is a murderer? He's not a murderer. We have the real murderer in prison. - He pleaded guilty. - You've got the wrong man. - You don't know that. - No, but you do. Hmm. Herr Eisenheim, you will also go to prison... if you don't explain to me what it is you are doing. - [Man] Let him go! - [Man #2] Or we will! The sentence will be greater if that mob attacks the building. [Crowd Chanting] Eisenheim! Eisenheim! Eisenheim! - Well? - [Chanting Continues] What are you doing? Stop! - Stop! - [Crowd] Eisenheim! - [Chanting Continues] - [Woman] There he is! - [Cheering] - [Eisenheim] Listen to me, please! - [Cheering, Applauding] - You must listen to me, please! [Applause Stops] Thank you all for coming. I have been speaking with the chief inspector. And I think there's been a serious misunderstanding. I want you all to know... that everything that you have seen in my theater is an illusion. It's a trick. It's not real. I can't bring loved ones back from the grave. I can't receive messages from the other side. I apologize if I've given you any false hope. My intention has only been to entertain, nothing more. - [Muttering] - [Eisenheim] Now I appreciate your support. But you must go home. Please, you must go. [Window Closing] There, now. I've explained it, so it can't be fraud. May I go? [Footsteps] [Sighs Heavily] Has he tricked you? Is that it? No, Your Highness. Then why are you failing me? I thought I could trust you. I thought you were a man I could bring with me when I took the throne. - Am I wrong about you? - No. You're not wrong, Your Highness, no. I need men who can complete the tasks assigned to them! Instead, I'm surrounded by fools. In the end, I must do everything myself. - I can see this case will be no different. - Mm. [Door Closes] - How do I look? - Ordinary, Your Highness. Very ordinary. I think I'm going to enjoy this. - They don't recognize you. - Good. And keep your distance. I don't want to be seen with a policeman. [Whirring, Scraping] [Crowd Stirring] [Gasping] [Man In Crowd] Who are you? [Man #2] Are you Duchess von Teschen? - Yes. - [Chattering] [Man] What's happened to you? She was murdered. Were you murdered? [Man] By who? [Man #2] Did they arrest the right man? [Man #3] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - [Man #4] Tell us. - Someone. Here. - [Crowd Gasping] - [Man] Tell us, and point him out. [Man #2] Was it the crown prince? [Man #3] He's killed a woman before! [Man #4] Hey! The crown prince isn't even here. [Man #5] The crown prince killed her! Something must be done! [Crowd Moans] [Chattering] Chief Inspector, are you sure you have the right man? - Quite sure. Excuse me. - Did you investigate the crown prince? He cannot continue if this is true. - He must be brought to justice. - It's not true. The magic trick is not evidence. What is your name? - I don't see how that matters. - I advise you to watch what you say, sir. That actress didn't even look like Sophie. But the audience is stupid and he knows it. He manipulates them. He himself said nothing. His actress said nothing inflammatory. He left it to the audience to make their accusations. All plants paid for by him, of course. I don't suppose you made a note of those people? I'm afraid we didn't have enough men tonight. At the next performance, I want them all arrested. Every one of them. Eisenheim, the whole troupe. I want to have an example made of him... in front of all his followers. That was very foolish last night. [Sighs] You can't destroy him, you know. - You can't bring down the monarchy. - Oh, I know I can't. Then don't raise her again. Don't provoke those questions. Eisenheim, I don't want to arrest you. I'm a cynical man, God knows... but if your manifestations are somehow real... then even I'm willing to admit, you're a very special person. And if it's a trick, then it's equally impressive. Either way, you have a gift. So don't make me put you in jail! Promise me you won't do it again. I promise you, you'll enjoy this next show. [Sighs] What do you want? - Nothing. - Then why bring her back? Just to be with her. To be with her. - Everything is ready? - Yes, sir. - We're trying to assess how he might escape. - He will not escape. - I want guards at every door and window! - Sir. I want to apologize to you for my behavior oflate. But I want to make it up to you, if you'll listen to a proposition. - Well, I don't know. - I'll make it worth your while, Josef. You know, I'm very busy right now. I haven't just been sitting around waiting for you. No. No, of course. I want you to assume control of all my finances. And my assets. - Everything. - Everything? Yes. Including this theater... and all the receipts from tonight's performance... which I offer with my sincere thanks. - What do you say? - All right. - I'll do it. - Good. Good. Would you like me to introduce you tonight? No. Tonight, just enjoy the show. [Murmuring] Excuse me, Chief Inspector. I'm Josef Fischer, Eisenheim's manager. Yes, I remember. - What's going on? Why all the police? - Precautions, Herr Fischer. - Precautions. - Are you planning to arrest Eisenheim? Oh, that's entirely up to him. [Murmuring] - [Gasping] - [Woman] There! There! [Woman] It's Duchess von Teschen! [Chattering, Increasing] Why were you murdered? - I was leaving him. - [Woman] Leaving who? - The crown prince? - Of course it was. - [Man #2] We won't stand for it! - I tried to get away. I was wearing my locket when I died. But now it's gone. It's lost. - [Man] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - Was it the crown prince? We must do something! - Come along. - [Man] We must help her! [Policeman] To the front! [Policeman] Step out! In the name of His Imperial Majesty... and the City of Vienna, I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz— also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist— on charges of disturbing public order... charlatanism and threats against the empire! - No! - [Uhl] Get back, get back! [Clamoring] - [Policeman] Stop it! Stop it, all of you! - [Gasps] [Crowd Gasps] [Screaming] [Screaming, Moaning] - [Man] He disappeared. - [Woman] Where is he? [Screaming] Find him! - Where is he? - He was right there. - How was his trick done? - No trick. - How is it done? - I don't know. Nobody know. [Uhl] Damn it! [Sighs] [Gasps] [Uhl Narrating] I had my driver take the sword to police headquarters. My men will examine it and see if it matches the gemstone... found on Duchess von Teschen's body— I have no doubt that it will. And after that, I came in here... and you asked me why I was late. You've stolen Imperial property. That seems trivial compared with murder. Even if that were true, you have no jurisdiction here. That's right. You may do as you wish here, without consequence. Nobody can punish you. - Except one man. - Who's that? The emperor. I don't suppose he'll leave his crown to a murderer, do you? - He'll never believe you. - Maybe not. Hmm. But, I wrote a letter to his general staff... telling them... everything. Including your plan to overthrow the emperor. I know they'll listen to that. You'll not take the throne— not with my help. You no longer want to be chief of police? Mayor of Vienna? You don't want to be a baron, an aristocrat? I'm afraid that's out of the question at this point. You fool. He's tricking you. He's manipulating you. He had the sword at a command performance. He could have pried the stones loose then and planted them here. - He has planted everything. - You're drunk. It's all a trick. It's an illusion. Perhaps there's truth in this illusion. You need to wire your driver, and have the sword returned. - Or what? - I'll shoot you. Perhaps I'll shoot you anyway. And then you'll have killed a police inspector and a duchess. Or perhaps you'll kill yourself. You, uh, committed suicide, distraught at having failed your leader. [Horses Galloping] Ah. Some officers of the general staff, I'd guess. They must have received my letter. - What do you want? - I don't want anything. Fine. Fine. You shall have nothing. - Gentlemen— - The situation is so obvious. Everyone's completely incompetent. My father runs the empire into the ground... and no one notices, no one knows anything about it. I propose to clean up the mess, and you betray me! You're all becoming irrelevant. You will be replaced. [Sighs Deeply] The country will be run by mongrels! There's a thousand different voices screaming to be heard, and nothing will be done! Nothing! I've done everything I can. Too much! [Gasping] - Far too much. - [Knocking] [Man] Your Highness! Are you in there? [Man #2] Your Highness, open the door. - [Rattling] - Please. Open the door. - [Banging] - [Man] By your father's authority... I insist you open the door! - You must open the door! - [Banging Continues] - You're all fools. - [Uhl Gasps] - Please, Your Highness! - I can't stand it. - [Banging] - I won't stand it. - [Body Thumps] - [Man] Break down the door. Break it down! - [Door Smashing] - [Groaning] - What happened? - The crown prince just shot himself. [Sighs] [Groans] Are you Chief Inspector Uhl? I used to be. You! Who gave you this? - Who gave you this? - Herr Eisenheim! When? - [Snorting] - [Man] Look out! [Conductor's Whistle Blowing] - All aboard! - [Train Whistle Blowing] Tickets and papers. [Conductor] All aboard! [Train Whistle Blows] [Train Whistle Continues] [Voice Of Eisenheim] When it's done... you'll travel ahead with her, and I will follow. - And she understands everything this entails? - Completely. [Willigut] Do you think that Eisenheim's behind all this? [Eisenheim] So, what does it mean, to die? - [Uhl] What do you want? - [Eisenheim] To be with her. [Uhl] To be with her. [Doctor] Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know. [Eisenheim] Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? - [Sophie] You're drunk. - [Uhl] You were drunk. [Leopold] He's a charlatan. He's a faker. He's planted everything. [Eisenheim] Everything you have seen is an illusion. - It's a trick. - [Gasps] [Sighs] [Whistle Wailing] [Laughing] [Continues Laughing] [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Gasps ] It's her! I know it's her! She wants to tell us something! - We must do something.! -[ Man ] Sit down.! - [ Woman ] Please.! - Hey! [ Crowd Arguing ] [ Crowd Chattering ] In the name of His Imperial Majesty and the city of Vienna... - I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz... - [ Crowd Gasping ] also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist... - on charges of disturbing public order... - [ Shouting ] charlatanism and threats against the empire.! - [ Woman ] Leave him alone! - [ Shouting Continues ] They're arresting him! They're arresting Eisenheim! [ Men Shouting ] Chief Inspector Uhl. [ Door Closes ] - You're late. - My apologies, Your Highness. I was attending to the loose ends of the case. - Are there still loose ends? - Very few. Did he do it again? How does he do it? I'm afraid I still don't know. Did you ask him? He's not talking at this point. Well, I'm sure you have... methods... for that kind of thing. I want you to put an end to it. Surely you have something on him. Something from his past? Yes. Yes, I think I do. [ Uhl Narrating ] In fact, we know all about his life. We've spoken to almost everyone who ever knew him. As a boy, I'm told he had a chance encounter... with a traveling magician. [ Man ] Boy. [ Uhl Narrating ] One version of the story was that the man himself... then vanished... along with the tree. Who knows what actually happened? People began to think he had some kind of special power... or at least that he was a bit different. And then he met her. - [ Boy ] Don't drop it. - [ Boy #2 ] Careful,you're going to trip. - Drop it,you muck snipe. - Oh.! Watch out for that hole, alley rat.! - Drop it! - Come on. [ Boys Chuckling ] [ Eisenheim ] Pick a card. Put it back in the deck. Now, watch. [ Door Opens ] Duchess von Teschen,you can't be in a place like this. They're peasants. Remember who you are. [ Uhl Narrating ] She was brought back to the castle... and they were forbidden to see each other. But soon, they were doing just that. Over the next few years, they could always find a way to be together. - Quick, come on. - [ Both Chuckle ] [ Door Squeaking ] [ Eisenheim ] In China there's a magician that could make anything disappear- a house, a wagon, anything. We'll go visit him. They can't stop us if we want to be together. They'll never find us. Do you promise you'll take me with you? One day I will. One day we'll run away together. We'll disappear. [ Soft Tapping ] There's a secret way to open it. I wanted a picture. [ Footsteps Approaching ] Sophie, are you there? - We must hurry! They're coming! - [ Man ] Duchess von Teschen.! - [ Door Closes ] - Duchess von Teschen.! - Duchess von Teschen.! - [ Man #2 ] Duchess von Teschen.! Make us disappear. Make us disappear. [ Man ] Duchess von Teschen.! [ Footsteps Approaching ] Stop. Stop. [ Door Opens ] - Don't do this. - Let go! - Let me go. Let go! - Your father's waiting for you. - [ Sophie ] Let go.! - No! - Eduard! - Please, let go! - No! - Let me go! Let her go, please! - Let go.! Stop it.! - Sophie! Eduard! - Sophie.! - Eduard! Sophie. [ Grunts ] [ Man ] Stay away from her, or next time... we'll arrest you and your family. [ Uhl Narrating ] What happened next remains a mystery. We do know that he traveled the world... that he began to perform his magic in public... that he changed his name to Eisenheim. And then almost 1 5 years later... he appeared in Vienna. [ Man ] Life and death... space and time... fate and chance. These are the forces of the universe. Tonight, ladies and gentleman... I present to you a man who has unlocked these mysteries. From the furthest corners of the world... where the dark arts still hold sway... he returns to us to demonstrate... how nature's laws may be bent. I give you... Eisenheim. [ Applause ] - [ Crows Cawing ] - [ Crowd Gasps ] Might I borrow a handkerchief from someone? You, madam. Thank you. Ah, be patient. Now, if you please. I would like to continue with an examination of time. From the moment we enter this life, we are in the flow of it. We measure it and we mark it, but we cannot defy it. We cannot even speed it up or slow it down. Or can we? Have we not each experienced the sensation... that a beautiful moment seemed to pass too quickly... and wished that we could make it linger? [ Crowd Gasps ] Or felt time slow on a dull day... and wished that we could speed things up a bit? [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Murmuring Continues ] [ Applause ] I assure you, they're quite real. [ Man ] Is it real? Let's see. And you, madam, where is your handkerchief? [ Murmuring ] [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Applause ] Bravo! Very good. [ Boy ] Give us something, please. - Please, give us something. Please. - What's all this? We're poor. - Do you think you're poor? - Yes. I want to show you something. You're not poor. You have everything that you need right here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And that's yours. - And this too. - [ Gasps ] - [ Coins Jangling On Ground ] - [ Boys Gasping ] I've got the magic one! - Good morning. - Good morning. - Coffee? - No. - Strudel? I have two. - Nothing, thank you. You look very pleased with yourself. How are the receipts? - Not bad. A three-quarter house. - Well done. But we're going to do better than that. Listen to this. Listen. "There is no argument that his uncanny displays... "separate him from the ranks of garden-variety stage wizards. "Some of his effects transcend mere illusion... "and approach the realm of art. He is very young to be so masterful." Do you see? We'll pack the house with this review. We are going to make more money than you ever dreamed of. [ Man ] But if it was mechanical. Maybe he had it wrapped in some kind ofbark? Oh, I know, of course I thought of that. It's the butterflies I'm trying to work out. Oh, for Pete's sake. Invisible wire. Too obvious. How many men have you detailed for tonight? We have eight men inside, another eight out front. Perhaps you'll get another look at your butterflies. Mmm. - [ Man ] Come on in. - Check the last 1 0 rows there. - You! Don't touch that! - [ Knocking Table ] - Put that down! - Ah, Herr Eisenheim. Who are you and what do you think you're doing? I'm Chief Inspector Walter Uhl and I'm inspecting your theater. I've seen you perform. Very impressive. - Very impressive. - How can we help you, Inspector? You will be honored to know the crown prince... plans to attend your performance tonight. - The crown prince? - Yes.! So, obviously we have to inspect the theater. I think that one's small for an assassin, don't you? [ Chuckles ] Yes, the orange tree. You know, I have seen things like this before... but never one like that. - Extraordinary. - Thank you. I have been puzzling over how it works... especially how the butterflies fly. I assure you, your secret is safe with me. I'm an officer of the law after all, and a bit of an amateur conjurer. - Are you really? - Yes. Well, card tricks, coins, uh, sleight of hand, yes. Hmm. But nothing fancy. Perhaps you'll give me a tip. Yes, all right. I'll show you one I'm very fond of. Are you a gambling man? - On occasion, yes. - I will bet you the secret of the orange tree... that I can guess which hand you place this in every time. Excellent. Put it in your fist, raise your hand against your forehead... concentrate on it, form a mental picture. - Yes. - Have you got it? - Yes. - Put your hands in front of you. It's in your left. - Well- - A lucky guess, perhaps. You have a confederate who signals you. - No. It's more primitive than that. - Uh-huh. When you raise your hand to your head, the blood drains from it. It will be paler every time. Oh. Oh, I like that very much. Please take it with my compliments. Why, thank you. Eh, the blood drains. - Now, Inspector... - [ Chuckles ] if you don't mind, I've got to prepare for tonight's performance. Ah. [ Chuckles ] [ Chattering ] [ Announcer ] Please stand for His Imperial Highness... Crown Prince Leopold. [ Crowd Applauding ] [ Crowd Gasping ] I thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul. All of the greatest religions... speak of the soul's endurance beyond the end of life. So, what then does it mean... to die? I need a volunteer from the audience. Someone not afraid of death. Please, someone? I assure you, no tragedy will befall you. [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Murmuring Continues ] It's an honor, Duchess von Teschen. Do you know me? No. You're quite certain that we've never met before? Yes, of course. Now please gaze directly into my eyes. Look nowhere else. Wave to yourself. Turn in a circle. Now bow to yourself. [ Crowd Laughing ] [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Woman Screams ] Away. [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Chattering ] They must have liked you. They've waited for you nearly five minutes. Your Highness, may I introduce Eisenheim the Illusionist? [ Applause ] - Well done. - Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, we more than enjoyed it. Stimulated great debate amongst us, hasn't it? Except of course for your assistant, Duchess von Teschen. You seemed to have struck her quite speechless. A feat in itself. - Did you hypnotize her? - In a fashion. - I'd like to learn that trick. - [ Men Laughing ] Rainier here thinks you have supernatural powers. Do you claim supernatural powers? I've never said anything of that kind. - Then you won't mind a question or two. - Now let's not ruin it. [ Leopold ] You needn't divulge anything I can't guess. As you wish. Your assistants are behind the mirror... somewhere in robes obviously. Lights in the frame perhaps to illuminate them, or angled mirrors? That would be one way to do it. I think I understand it all except the ghost. That was very, very good. Another viewing perhaps? You must come to the Hofburg next time. We'll make an evening of it. That will be my pleasure. [ Leopold ] So be it. Sophie? And we'll gather our best minds next time. You'll really have a challenge then. Then I'll prepare something special. Perhaps I'll make you disappear. My God. When he volunteered her... I heard the crashing sound of money falling on me in piles. Every lady of means in Vienna will want to get up there with you now. - Mmm. - What a show-off. His father would have died if he had seen such a display. - She didn't seem too happy about it either. - She'd better get used to it. - How's that? - Word is she'll marry him soon. - Really? - Taking her chances if you ask me. - Why? - He likes to give his lady friends... a good thrashing now and again. People say he pushed one of them off a balcony... just to cover the beating he'd given her. For Herr Eisenheim. [ Hooves Beating ] Hello, Sophie. When I was on the stage, you knew me right away. It took me a moment... but, yes, I knew. You could have said something. I thought you'd figure it out eventually. Yes, I would have. I would have come another night, volunteered... walked right on stage and said, "Hello." And then you'd really have had to move quickly. I suspect you would have. I don't understand why. Perhaps for the same reasons you find it prudent to meet in a carriage. It's just a game I have to play with them. I'm followed everywhere. It's- It's supposed to be for my protection. Yes. So, I hear congratulations are in order. What for? They say you'll be the princess. - It's not decided at all. - Ah. It makes a certain sense, I suppose. We've known each other for years, and of course, our families. He's very intelligent. A little too intelligent for his own good. You're lucky, you know... to have broken free as you did. I often wish that I had- Wished what? Wished that I would see you again. And now you have. Yes, now I have. I look forward to seeing you again at the Hofburg. Until then. [ Door Opens ] [ Door Closes ] Here's the report on Duchess von Teschen. Mmm. Anything interesting? See for yourself. [ Clears Throat ] The magician? They drove around for half an hour. Then he got out near the theater. What do you want us to do? Join us for a drink? Please. You like something to eat, something to drink, hmm? - No, thank you. - Herr Eisenheim... I'm going to ask you a question... that may not seem friendly... but I assure you, in fact, is. [ Clears Throat ] What is your relationship with the Duchess von Teschen? You're right, that doesn't seem friendly. Oh, but that is precisely my point. For, you see, where others might judge... a discreet carriage ride for what it seemed to be... I am willing to find out what it actually was. All right. We were childhood acquaintances. Acquaintances? Childhood friends. My father was a cabinetmaker. - He made the furniture for her family's house. - [ Chuckles ] I see, the cabinetmaker's son friends with a- - Has there been a complaint? - Oh, no, no. If there'd been a complaint... well, we'd be having a very, uh, different sort of conversation. Yes. He relies on you for that sort of thing, does he? I'm a simple public servant, Herr Eisenheim. That's not what I hear. I hear you'll be the chief of police very soon. - Maybe mayor of Vienna? Party secretary? - All subject to his whim. You better hope he doesn't dissolve the parliament before you get there. Now the prince has some progressive ideas, but he will make a fine emperor. Well, they say you're very close to him, so I'm sure you'll do fine. Look. Yes, indeed, they say that I'm very close to the prince. But the simple truth of the matter is, Herr Eisenheim, I'm the son of a butcher. He's the heir to the empire. How close could we be to such as him? Hmm? Do you see my point? Don't fool yourself that you can play in their game. I've served on the edge of it... for... many, many years... and I can tell you with certainty... there's no trick they haven't seen. It's not worth it. My guest tonight... is not a showman at all, but rather a wizard... who has sold his soul to the devil... in return for unholy powers. Or so at least some of our friends here would have us believe. - [ All Laughing ] - But fear not. Everything can and will be explained. - All mysteries penetrated. - [ Man ] Hear.! Hear.! [ Man #2 ] Well said.! Well said.! [ Crowd Gasps ] - [ Man ] Is that the emperor? - [ Man #2 ] Ah,yes,your father. I didn't think he was invited. [ Man ] Bravo. A fair likeness of the old man. - Too modern a style for him, of course. - [ Laughter ] I'm afraid I'm not much of a painter. It's true. There are no brushstrokes in this painting. I can see that clearly. So to achieve the color... some sort of chemical must be interacting, presumably. Some sort of sprayer up your sleeve? - May I? - If you feel you must. - I do. - Oh, let the man do his show. You want me to just sit there when it's so obvious? - [ Laughter] - I do. He tries to trick you. I try to enlighten you. Which is the more noble pursuit? May we have the lights, please... so His Highness can better see? - [ Man ] See here, Leopold, let's have the show. - [ Man #2 ] Hear! Hear! - Come on, Leopold. - Get on with it. [ Leopold ] Very well. I propose a challenge. Why don't you astonish us... if you can... without all the... gadgetry? As you wish. Your sword is very beautiful. Might I see it? Certainly. May I? Where does power flow from? Skill or destiny, or divine right? We all know the story of a sword called Excalibur. Excalibur's blade was fixed in stone... and there it stayed. [ Crowd Murmuring ] Many worthy knights tried to pull the sword from the stone. Only Arthur succeeded... proving his right to rule. Who can take this sword? You, sir, can you take the sword? [ Grunting ] [ Scattered Laughter ] No surprise there. - [ Crowd Laughing ] - Perhaps you, sir. - Not so eager, cousin. - [ Laughter ] [ Man ] Come on. You can do it. - [ Woman ] Do it.! Do it.! - [ Man #2 ] Come on.! [ Crowd Shouting ] [ Grunts ] You shall live a long life. Thank you for your indulgence. [ Applause ] Come now. If you can't pull it out, you'll never be emperor. - Your father will live to be a hundred. - [ Laughter ] [ Grunts ] The sword to its rightful owner! [ Applause ] That's enough light entertainment for this evening. For more serious discussion, please join me for a drink. [ Crowd Applauding ] Shut him down. Well, he's very popular, Your Highness. I'm sure you'll find a way. - What did you do to him? - I gave him what he asked for. What would possess you to do something so foolish? [ Woman ] Duchess von Teschen, you must come along, my dear. We don't want to keep the prince waiting. - Did you enjoy the show? - It was wonderful, wasn't it? It was amusing. [ Hoofbeats Approaching ] Who told you where to find me? Your manager. I told him if he wants to stay in Vienna, you need my help. Ah, so I'm to be driven from the city, is that it? - Good. I shall relish it. - Stop it! I came here to try to help you. Why? Why should you possibly care what happens to me now? You were my friend. I am your friend. We knew each other very briefly a long time ago. You don't know me at all. Then why did you speak to me? Why did you even bother talking- And you kept it all this time. I used to sit and stare at your picture... trying to imagine where you were. At night I'd have dreams I had gone with you... and then I'd wake up and realize where I was. But in my dreams you had shorter hair and no beard. [ Sighs ] Where did you go when you left? To my uncle's farm near Prague. How exotic. [ Chuckles ] I went to Russia... then Asia Minor... and then the Orient for many years. So long. I always meant to return. I just - I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner. What? A real mystery. I saw remarkable things... but the only mystery I never solved was... why my heart couldn't let go of you. [ Kisses Hand ] He wants me to go to Budapest... with him next week to announce our engagement. He wants the Hungarians behind him. They're going to crown him king. I'm sure his father will have something to say about that. He plans to overthrow his father. That could go very badly for him... and for you. You shouldn't be involved. [ Sighs ] I am part of his plan. He only gets Hungary by aligning himself with my family. - Leave him. - It's not that easy. Call it off and come away with me. Or don't say anything and we'll just go. As long as we're alive... he'll hunt us. And when he finds us, he'll kill us. Look at me. Do you truly want to leave with me? Yes, I do. There you are. As I predicted, they've shut us down. Are you happy now, hmm? You made your point. It doesn't matter that we were sold out for the whole run.! No, look. You got it off your chest. - Do we have money? - What? - Do we have any money saved? - Yes, we have some. But we could have had much, much more. Mmm, it will have to do. And the second account, all of it. [ Man ] Of course, Herr Eisenheim. Thank you. [ People Chattering ] And you have no doubt it was Duchess von Teschen? I'd stake my life on it. What was in this suitcase? I don't know. He's by the first car. [ Train Whistle Blowing ] [ Eisenheim ] The map will show you where to meet. When it's done,you'll travel ahead with her and I shall follow. [ Older Man ] And she understands everything this entails? [ Eisenheim ] Completely. There's not a lot of time. [ Train Whistle Blowing ] As you know, we sometimes follow... Duchess von Teschen for her protection. Yesterday she was seen in the company of another man. What man? Eisenheim the Illusionist. What were they doing? - Well, they were meeting and, uh- - Touching? Kissing? Fornicating? Not that we observed, no. However, I have reason to believe that they may be planning something together. It's possible they may be leaving. I'm not certain of anything yet, Your Highness. Thank you, Inspector. - We can, of course, acquire more information- - [ Rifle Fires ] He spent the afternoon in Vienna with his father. He's expected shortly. [ Bottle Clanking ] What a surprise. I thought you didn't like it here. I suppose you think you're very clever... and very democratic in your friendships. - Aren't you? - What are you talking about? Your magician friend. I know you've been with him. It's true. We've been friends since childhood. You sleep with all your childhood friends? I will not be spoken to this way. - You'll be spoken to as I wish to speak to you! - You're drunk. You're getting quite old, aren't you? You know, my mother was 1 6 years old when she married my father. And you? Can you even bear children? Are you any use at all? - Are you trying to embarrass me? - It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me! You will not share my bed if you've slept with him! You don't understand. I'm not going to share your bed at all. I'm not going to Budapest with you. I don't want to be part of what you're planning. And I will not marry you. I assume you haven't been so stupid as to tell him anything. 'Cause if you disrupt my plans, I will have no further use for you. Do you understand? Now, you will travel to Budapest tomorrow. I recommend that you are here early, packed and ready to go. Do nothing more to embarrass me. Good-bye. What do you mean, "Good-bye"? Come back here. Come back here! Don't disobey me again. Whore.! [ Sophie ] Out of my way. - [ Drawing Sword ] - Please, don't. [ Groans ] [ Horse Neighing ] No, leave that. Leave all the lanterns. [ Nickering, Snorting ] [ Man ] Duchess von Teschen.! Duchess von Teschen.! [ Man ] Maybe look on that side.! [ Whimpers ] [ Man With Dog ] Over here.! Whoa. Whoa. I thought you saw her get on the train with him. No, sir. We were waiting in Vienna for them, but they left from Baden. - We assumed she was with him. - [ Grunts ] [ Willigut ] Should I wire the crown prince in Budapest? It's been done. - Who are you? - I'm the family's doctor. Are you the chief inspector? Yes, I am. You understand this is a police matter now? - Of course I understand. - Good, good. - You have determined the cause of death? - She bled to death. There's a wound on her throat... just above the left collarbone. Perhaps from a knife or a sword. May I take a look? Inspector, I-I will not stand for it. The crown prince will not stand for it. This is not some circus sideshow. My apologies, of course. [ Sighs ] Thank you, Doctor. Probably robbed. Gypsies, maybe. Saw all those diamonds, couldn't say no. Chief Inspector, there's one thing you should know. - Yes, what is that? - In the folds of her dress... I found this small gemstone. Seen last Thursday at 7:30 p.m., riding without an escort... toward the Imperial Hunting Lodge. Groomsman said she arrived about 8:30. What was she doing riding alone? [ Pack Of Dogs Barking ] He did this. You know he did. - I know who did what? - The crown prince! He killed her. He's done it before, and you know it. No, I don't know that. In fact, I'm sure he didn't. He's in Budapest. - He killed her before he left! - I'm afraid the facts don't support your theory. - She was leaving him. - For who? You? - Yes! - Don't be absurd, Herr Eisenheim. He killed her because he couldn't let her go. - She knew his secret. - What secret? - Ask your inspector. He knows- - Stop this right now! [ Scoffs ] Are you completely corrupt? No, not completely. No. Which is why I'll advise you not to accuse anyone, especially His Imperial Highness. Or you will end up in jail yourself. [ Hooves Beating ] - Where's the guard who let her out of the gate? - Gone with the crown prince. - Did any of the servants see her leave? - All asleep. Ah-ha. What about him? He, uh, he put her horse in the first stall when she arrived. Ah. Was it this one? We don't have jurisdiction on Imperial property. Thank you. I know. So what are you doing? [ Sighs ] Investigating. Listening to that magician, are you? For all we know, he did it. No, I think not. The crown prince is back. [ Whinnying ] - Chief Inspector. - [ Men Shouting ] We should go. Now. - [ Neighing ] - [ Sighs ] What have you found out? - She was last seen riding here, alone. - Yes. And based on your information, I then threw her out. - Did she commit suicide? - No. It was surely murder. - Do you have a suspect? - We will soon, Your Highness. [ Uhl Narrating ] Later that week, we arrested a man and charged him with murder... but I knew that that wouldn't satisfy Eisenheim. I had my men continue to watch him. He finally emerged from his grief and bought a rundown theater. It's perfect. [ Uhl Narrating ] He fired his manager... and began preparing for a new kind of show. [ Crowd Chattering ] [ Crowd Exclaiming ] [ Man ] Who is he? My name is Frankel. - Where did you come from? - I come from Brunn. My father is a lens grinder there. How have you come to be here tonight? - I don't know. - [ Woman ] Are you alive? [ Man ] What can you tell us about the other side? - What's it like? - [ Woman ] Yes, tell us. [ Woman #2 ] You must know things. Secret things. [ Man ] Say something spiritual. [ Gasping ] [ Chattering ] They don't seem to think it's a trick. [ Man ] Eisenheim.! Come out and talk to us.! [ Uhl Narrating ] Eisenheim's audience had always been enthusiastic... but now he was attracting a more... impassioned following. [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Eisenheim ] Madame. Please? [ Footsteps ] [ Crowd Gasps ] With these spirits, these manifestations... With these spirits, these manifestations... Eisenheim has given us hard proof... of the soul's immortality. The spirit has been reaffirmed... in the face of modern, scientific materialism. The work of spiritualism will rouse humanity... to a new, moral earnestness. "It is a revolutionary movement, and we will turn the empire... into a spiritual republic." - [ Blows ] - Do you think Eisenheim's behind all this? [ Sighs ] Why must I be bothered with a magician? [ Scoffs ] He is proving to be more than a magician, Your Highness. He is a charlatan. He's a faker. [ Snorts ] He pretends to have supernatural powers- Put him on trial for fraud. - First, we have to show it is fraud. - Then do it. Find out how the trick is done, and then arrest him. This is just a rough demonstration, Inspector. But you can see how it could work. [ Projector Chattering ] Yes, I see. Not bad, not bad. We need a spy in Eisenheim's troupe. - Those Orientals, they won't give us anything. - Mm. - I already tried. - Yeah. Then try something else. [ Creaking ] [ Door Banging ] [ Man, Indistinct ] [ Woman, Indistinct ] What has happened here? One of those ghosts from the theater down the street. - Yes. Up there. - Where? - There. - Right there. And it's a boy. - Yes. Look, look. - Sick! - Where is this thing? - Right there. - [ Sobbing ] Over there. - Uh-huh. Did you see it? [ Crying ] Mm! [ Man, Sighing ] God. An apparition. I saw it. I swear. - [ Man #2 ] Yes.! - [ Man #3 ] Right over there. [ Woman Gasping ] [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Crowd Yelling ] [ Man ] Where are you taking him? I want to know how it's done. First the orange tree, now this. Do I have to share all my professional secrets with the police? Well, in this case, yes, or I'll be forced to arrest you. - On what charge? - Oh, well, we'll start with fraud. - [ Knocking ] - [ Door Opens ] - Excuse me, Chief Inspector- - What? I think you should look outside the window. - Who are they? - They are here for him. Oh.! My goodness, you have a devoted following. - What is it they expect of you? - I have no idea. What do your spies tell you? That you plan to subvert the monarchy, perhaps. Why? Just because the crown prince is a murderer? He's not a murderer. We have the real murderer in prison. - He pleaded guilty. - You've got the wrong man. - You don't know that. - No, but you do. Hmm. Herr Eisenheim, you will also go to prison... if you don't explain to me what it is you are doing. -[ Man ] Let him go.! -[ Man #2 ] Or we will.! The sentence will be greater if that mob attacks the building. [ Crowd Chanting ] Eisenheim.! Eisenheim.! Eisenheim.! - Well? - [ Chanting Continues ] What are you doing? Stop.! - Stop.! - [ Crowd ] Eisenheim.! - [ Chanting Continues ] - [ Woman ] There he is.! - [ Cheering ] - [ Eisenheim ] Listen to me, please.! - [ Cheering, Applauding ] - You must listen to me, please! [ Applause Stops ] Thank you all for coming. I have been speaking with the chief inspector. And I think there's been a serious misunderstanding. I want you all to know... that everything that you have seen in my theater is an illusion. It's a trick. It's not real. I can't bring loved ones back from the grave. I can't receive messages from the other side. I apologize if I've given you any false hope. My intention has only been to entertain, nothing more. - [ Muttering ] - [ Eisenheim ] Now I appreciate your support. But you must go home. Please, you must go. [ Window Closing ] There, now. I've explained it, so it can't be fraud. May I go? [ Footsteps ] [ Sighs Heavily ] Has he tricked you? Is that it? No, Your Highness. Then why are you failing me? I thought I could trust you. I thought you were a man I could bring with me when I took the throne. - Am I wrong about you? - No. You're not wrong, Your Highness, no. I need men who can complete the tasks assigned to them! Instead, I'm surrounded by fools. In the end, I must do everything myself. - I can see this case will be no different. - Mm. [ Door Closes ] - How do I look? - Ordinary, Your Highness. Very ordinary. I think I'm going to enjoy this. - They don't recognize you. - Good. And keep your distance. I don't want to be seen with a policeman. [ Whirring, Scraping ] [ Crowd Stirring ] [ Gasping ] [ Man In Crowd ] Who are you? [ Man #2 ] Are you Duchess von Teschen? - Yes. - [ Chattering ] [ Man ] What's happened to you? She was murdered. Were you murdered? [ Man ] By who? [ Man #2 ] Did they arrest the right man? [ Man #3 ] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - [ Man #4 ] Tell us. - Someone. Here. - [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Man ] Tell us, and point him out. [ Man #2 ] Was it the crown prince? [ Man #3 ] He's killed a woman before.! [ Man #4 ] Hey.! The crown prince isn't even here. [ Man #5 ] The crown prince killed her.! Something must be done.! [ Crowd Moans ] [ Chattering ] Chief Inspector, are you sure you have the right man? - Quite sure. Excuse me. - Did you investigate the crown prince? He cannot continue if this is true. - He must be brought to justice. - It's not true. The magic trick is not evidence. What is your name? - I don't see how that matters. - I advise you to watch what you say, sir. That actress didn't even look like Sophie. But the audience is stupid and he knows it. He manipulates them. He himself said nothing. His actress said nothing inflammatory. He left it to the audience to make their accusations. All plants paid for by him, of course. I don't suppose you made a note of those people? I'm afraid we didn't have enough men tonight. At the next performance, I want them all arrested. Every one of them. Eisenheim, the whole troupe. I want to have an example made of him... in front of all his followers. That was very foolish last night. [ Sighs ] You can't destroy him, you know. - You can't bring down the monarchy. - Oh, I know I can't. Then don't raise her again. Don't provoke those questions. Eisenheim, I don't want to arrest you. I'm a cynical man, God knows... but if your manifestations are somehow real... then even I'm willing to admit, you're a very special person. And if it's a trick, then it's equally impressive. Either way, you have a gift. So don't make me put you in jail! Promise me you won't do it again. I promise you, you'll enjoy this next show. [ Sighs ] What do you want? - Nothing. - Then why bring her back? Just to be with her. To be with her. - Everything is ready? - Yes, sir. - We're trying to assess how he might escape. - He will not escape. - I want guards at every door and window! - Sir. I want to apologize to you for my behavior oflate. But I want to make it up to you, if you'll listen to a proposition. - Well, I don't know. - I'll make it worth your while,Josef. You know, I'm very busy right now. I haven't just been sitting around waiting for you. No. No, of course. I want you to assume control of all my finances. And my assets. - Everything. - Everything? Yes. Including this theater... and all the receipts from tonight's performance... which I offer with my sincere thanks. - What do you say? - All right. - I'll do it. - Good. Good. Would you like me to introduce you tonight? No. Tonight,just enjoy the show. [ Murmuring ] Excuse me, Chief Inspector. I'm Josef Fischer, Eisenheim's manager. Yes, I remember. - What's going on? Why all the police? - Precautions, Herr Fischer. - Precautions. - Are you planning to arrest Eisenheim? Oh, that's entirely up to him. [ Murmuring ] - [ Gasping ] - [ Woman ] There.! There.! [ Woman ] It's Duchess von Teschen.! [ Chattering, Increasing ] Why were you murdered? - I was leaving him. - [ Woman ] Leaving who? - The crown prince? - Of course it was. - [ Man #2 ] We won't stand for it.! - I tried to get away. I was wearing my locket when I died. But now it's gone. It's lost. - [ Man ] Tell us, please. Who murdered you? - Was it the crown prince? We must do something! - Come along. - [ Man ] We must help her.! [ Policeman ] To the front.! [ Policeman ] Step out.! In the name of His Imperial Majesty... and the City of Vienna, I hereby arrest Eduard Abramovicz- also known as Eisenheim the Illusionist- on charges of disturbing public order... charlatanism and threats against the empire! - No! - [ Uhl ] Get back, get back.! [ Clamoring ] - [ Policeman ] Stop it.! Stop it, all of you.! - [ Gasps ] [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming, Moaning ] - [ Man ] He disappeared. - [ Woman ] Where is he? [ Screaming ] Find him! - Where is he? - He was right there. - How was his trick done? - No trick. - How is it done? - I don't know. Nobody know. [ Uhl ] Damn it.! [ Sighs ] [ Gasps ] [ Uhl Narrating ] I had my driver take the sword to police headquarters. My men will examine it and see if it matches the gemstone... found on Duchess von Teschen's body- I have no doubt that it will. And after that, I came in here... and you asked me why I was late. You've stolen Imperial property. That seems trivial compared with murder. Even if that were true, you have no jurisdiction here. That's right. You may do as you wish here, without consequence. Nobody can punish you. - Except one man. - Who's that? The emperor. I don't suppose he'll leave his crown to a murderer, do you? - He'll never believe you. - Maybe not. Hmm. But, I wrote a letter to his general staff... telling them... everything. Including your plan to overthrow the emperor. I know they'll listen to that. You'll not take the throne- not with my help. You no longer want to be chief of police? Mayor of Vienna? You don't want to be a baron, an aristocrat? I'm afraid that's out of the question at this point. You fool. He's tricking you. He's manipulating you. He had the sword at a command performance. He could have pried the stones loose then and planted them here. - He has planted everything. - You're drunk. It's all a trick. It's an illusion. Perhaps there's truth in this illusion. You need to wire your driver, and have the sword returned. - Or what? - I'll shoot you. Perhaps I'll shoot you anyway. And then you'll have killed a police inspector and a duchess. Or perhaps you'll kill yourself. You, uh, committed suicide, distraught at having failed your leader. [ Horses Galloping ] Ah. Some officers of the general staff,I'd guess. They must have received my letter. - What do you want? - I don't want anything. Fine. Fine. You shall have nothing. - Gentlemen- - The situation is so obvious. Everyone's completely incompetent. My father runs the empire into the ground... and no one notices, no one knows anything about it. I propose to clean up the mess, and you betray me! You're all becoming irrelevant. You will be replaced. [ Sighs Deeply ] The country will be run by mongrels! There's a thousand different voices screaming to be heard, and nothing will be done! Nothing! I've done everything I can. Too much! [ Gasping ] - Far too much. - [ Knocking ] [ Man ] Your Highness.! Are you in there? [ Man #2 ] Your Highness, open the door. - [ Rattling ] - Please. Open the door. - [ Banging ] - [ Man ] By your father's authority... I insist you open the door.! - You must open the door.! - [ Banging Continues ] - You're all fools. - [ Uhl Gasps ] - Please, Your Highness.! - I can't stand it. - [ Banging ] - I won't stand it. - [ Body Thumps ] - [ Man ] Break down the door. Break it down.! - [ Door Smashing ] - [ Groaning ] - What happened? - The crown prince just shot himself. [ Sighs ] [ Groans ] Are you Chief Inspector Uhl? I used to be. You! Who gave you this? - Who gave you this? - Herr Eisenheim! When? Well, Charlie, the trouble is I'm a little sleepy. Sleepy? You're dead on your feet. You're supposed to be an Arabian, old man. A hot-blooded Arabian. - Yes. How can I resist unless you attack? - Why, certainly. I could do it better myself. The scene ain't got no "yumph" in it. There's the word, "yumph. " The scene hasn't any "yumph" in it. Whats "yumph," Charlie? Why, "yumph" is... It means... Here, sit down. Sit down. Now, let me show you. Its very simple. "Träumerei. " Now, watch carefully, old man. Oh, little desert flower, come to my arms. Why, you tremble, you quiver at my very touch. Ah. My longing for you goes beyond pride and nobility. I love you. Madly, adoringly, blindly, passionately. You getting it? Uh-huh. Good. Now, the kiss. Ah. My little English orchid. Do you feel it? See, thats it, Waldo. "Yumph, yumph. " like this: There, thats it. Thats the real kind of "yumph. " Do you get it? Irene! Stop that. Let go of her. And you let go of him, you big ape. I'm not no ape. - What are you doing down there? - We're rehearsing. - What? - Rehearsing. Yeah, you see, this is Charlie. Charlie Lodge. He's a movie director. I'm not surprised at anything, because I know I'm going to wake and find that this has all been a dream. - Come, lets get out of here. - Yes. - Waldo, where's your hat? - Over here. Why don't you stay and join our little troupe? You could be Lady Vere de Vere, Irene's snooty sister who is secretly a terrific drunk. No, thank you, Mr. Lodge. I believe that Waldo and Irene are thoroughly bored by now. I know I am. Oh, you consider yourself above such childish make-believe? Far above it, Mr. Lodge. How is it up there? Pretty cool? I know Irene and Waldo don't think its so hot. I suppose you think they prefer this sort of thing. - This sort of thing? - Adolescent bohemianism. Sleeping all day, drinking all night. Play-acting in garrets dressed up in your mother's clothes. - Its called being an individual, isn't it? - Yeah, among other things. Yes, I've known your type before. You call black "white" just to flatter your ego. Order pistachio ice cream when everyone else is eating vanilla. - I like peppermint. - You're trying very hard to be whimsical. And you're really succeeding in giving a very good imitation of a halfwit. Well, I'm very sorry, Miss Agnew. But you see, I've never had the advantages that other little boys and girls had. I never had a house like yours. I never had anyone to tell me what to eat and when to eat it what to think and how to think it, what to wear, whom to marry. I never had anybody to live my life for me but I've had a beautiful time. And if thats being a halfwit, I think I'll try to get rid of the other half. Making fun of respectability is the easiest form of wit, Mr. Lodge. Come, Waldo. Wait a minute. You can't go out on the street like that. Look at your tie. She's right. I'm for you, lady. I love my wife. - You should talk, you ain't seen your wife. - I'm going home soon as I finish my beer. - Come, Waldo. Irene. - Thats it. Run along, little puppies. - Don't you dare call them puppies. - Don't you tell me what to call anybody. - I'm not Waldo. - Thank heaven. Puppies. You're the most revolting, cheap, four-flushing... - Ah-ah-ah. Don't hit her. - He'll answer to me if he does. - If you were only a man. - If you weren't a woman. - Don't call that lady a woman. - Margit, don't make a scene. - I'm not making a scene. - Now, who's acting like the ape? - Yeah. - Margit... I've tried to be a lady, but I'm going to have to put myself on your level to be understood. You're the lowest, most contemptible... You're beneath contempt. You haven't enough character for that. You dissolute, conceited... Vagrant. Did you hear what she called me? A vagrant. "Yumph. " Margit, isn't he wonderful? You children must be very tired. Go home and take a hot tub and I'll meet you at the office at 1 O:30. - I'd like a shower. - Showers make your hair fall out. Really, Margit, its just a personal matter with me. I'd like a shower. No, a tub. And be sure to wear a bathing cap. Hello, darling. - Feeling better? - No. Oh, it wasn't your fault. You were obviously under the influence of that rundown genius. You know, I've been thinking. I believe you two should be married as soon as possible. Not wait until May. Margit, the time has come... Yes? - Whatever you say, Margit. - Then I think perhaps next Sunday. I'm afraid thatll be impossible. - Impossible? - Quite. I don't love Waldo anymore. - But, darling... - I have a right to love whom I please. Then, whom would you love except Waldo? I'm in love with someone else. Irene, who? - Irene. Not that... - That Charlie. I'm insane about him. Waldo, did you know about this? No, but I can understand it. He's got "yumph. " He's got a monopoly on it. To know Charlie is to love him. Then you shouldn't have introduced them. You knew of her silly dream of wanting to be an actress. And you deliberately bring her in contact with a maniac who calls himself a picture director, who makes fantastic promises to her. Irene, darling. Irene, please be sane for once. This man is only making a fool of you. Waldo loves you. Yes, if Waldo loved me, he wouldn't let me get infatuated with Charlie. Waldo, I'm afraid you're going to have to assume a position. Well, I can't force Irene to love me. She'll have to decide that for herself. Oh, if you only had one breath of... - "Yumph. " - Yes, "yumph," you'd tear his eyes out. Instead of that, you go with them on their orgies. As a chaperon, I suppose. Well, why should I lose Charlie's friendship just because Irene loves him and not me? The only thing to do is to be philosophical about it. - It is not. Where does this man live? - In an empty lot right next to Spike's Place. In a trailer. If you'll excuse me, I can't keep my eyes open another minute. Its an auto-trailer. He doesn't have to pay any rent. Thinks everybody ought to live in an auto-trailer. - Oh, he does? - He calls it the covered wagon of the future. He says that if... That was sweet of you, Waldo. - Oh, I didn't know you were awake. - Thats why it was sweet. Waldo. Yes, Irene? Are you sure you don't mind if I'm infatuated with Charlie? - Irene? - Yes, Waldo? - No. - No, what? No, I don't guess I mind. Oh. Just a minute. - Who rang that gong? - I did. - But you mustn't. Its for the telephone. - Telephone? Well, yes, I get all my calls over at Spike's Place. Whenever they want me on the telephone, they ring my gong. You mustn't. It must waste quite a bit of time. Oh, yes, I love to waste time. Thats why I got the trailer for. Did you ever live in a trailer? Its the only way to live. Now, take you for example. You live in a house. Every morning you wake up, look out the window, everything is the same. Day in and day out. Thats the trouble with modern civilization. Its so static. What were you going to say? - Would it make any difference? - No. Oh. Almost forgot. How do you like it? Well, considering it was done just from memory. I started it this morning after you busted up our little party over at Spike's Place. Yes, you've got a very interesting face. Its quite beautiful. Yes, even more so than your sister. And she's very gorgeous, but your face has more character. There's a certain aloofness. Yes, there's a sense of repression. You know, if I could just prevail upon you to pose for me... I don't want my portrait done, Mr. Lodge. Least of all by you. Well, then, what did you wake me up for? You smoke too much. Thats my business. Miss Agnew, I'm afraid your attitude toward me is a little bit well, pardon the expression, sharp. Itll be sharper presently. - What have you done to my sister? - You mean generally or specifically? You may think she's in love with you but she's temporarily infatuated. I haven't the foggiest what you're talking about. You needn't lie, Mr. Lodge. I've just come from Irene and she's confessed everything. She's conf... Oh. Oh, I see. Well, all right, suppose I am in love with Irene? - Suppose she's in love with me? - I'm very sorry but I can't permit it. Irene's happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. You'd make her miserable, you'd ruin her life. I'll not stand for it. Now, see here, Miss Margit of Margit Incorporated you can't dictate to love. - I'm not interested in love. - Well, you should be. A woman as intelligent and beautiful as you are. - Let me tell you something about love. - You needn't bother, Mr. Lodge. Love is a strange thing. And it takes one of two courses. Either the people like each other enormously or they pretend to dislike each other enormously. Now, when I first realized that I was in love, with Irene of course why, we were sitting right here. She was sitting there and I was sitting here. And then we spoke of love. It was very strange. We were sitting here just as you and I are now. Looking into each other's eyes just as you and I are now. Mr. Lodge, I appeal to you as a gentleman. Oh, I'm afraid you've got me confused with somebody else. I'm a vagrant. Then, I order you, I forbid you to have any further communication with my sister. My dear Miss Agnew, you can't forbid me anything. I warn you, my patience is not inexhaustible. Well, neither is mine. After all, a man's home is his castle even if it is on wheels. Huh. You come barging in here at this unearthly hour. You wake me up by banging on my gong, scatter cigarette stubs all over my place and then you order me about as if I were one of Spike's waiters. All right, I'll act like one of Spike's waiters. The boss says the lawn needs watering. Thats what I wanna do yesterday but she no let me on account it was supposed to rain. She told me to tell you the paper today says fair and warmer, no rain. She wants you to water the lawn. Mr. Keough. The automatic eggs is ready, three minutes each. But I must speak to Mrs. Bly. I'm sure Mrs. Bly would want to be called. I don't care whether she came in five minutes ago. Very well, ask her to call me when she gets up. Your eggs, Miss Agnew. - Shall I call Miss Irene and Mr. Beaver? - No, let them sleep. - Yes, ma'am. - Somebody in this house has got to sleep. Yes, ma'am. - Keough. - Yes, Miss Agnew. - How good a policeman were you? - Best on the force, Miss Agnew. - Crooked politics rung me out. You see... - Some other time. I think you can help me. Remember the man with the beret and the noisy car? I've every reason to believe that he's a dangerous criminal. - His name is Charles Lodge. - Phony name. - Now, I wanna find out all about this man. - I understand, Miss Agnew. - You understand what? - Blackmail. He's somebody you used to know. You wrote some letters you wish you hadn't. I did nothing of the sort. Kindly don't jump to conclusions. Don't worry. A detective is like a doctor, he's not allowed to tell all he knows. There's nothing to know. Now, find out all about him. Shadow him night and day. Check the lunatic asylums, he's probably missing from one of them. I want to know every move he makes. - Understand? - You bet I understand. You couldn't get a better man for this job. - You were the best on the force, Keough? - Yes, Miss Agnew. My, my. How we all missed being killed in our sleep. Hello? Hello. I'd like to speak to Mr. Charles Lodge, please. Just a moment. I'll call him. Hold the line. He'll be right over. Left hand. It goes in the... - Oh, I'm sorry, Moe. - Good morning. How are you, Slim? Morning, Spike. - Had your breakfast yet? - No, I haven't. - How'd you sleep, Charlie? - Oh, swell, swell. - Hello? - Hello, Mr. Lodge? This is Margit Agnew speaking. I am calling about my compact. I must have forgotten it yesterday. Ha-ha. No, Miss Agnew. You didn't forget your compact yesterday or any other day. Why would I be calling you if hadn't? Well, you probably wanna see me again. As a matter of fact, I do want to see you. What time will it be convenient? Oh, why don't you slip over and have a dash of breakfast with me? I've had my breakfast. Ten shall we say? Lets make it 1 O: O1. Goodbye. - Oh, well, good morning, good morning. - Good morning. - Come in. Let me take your umbrella. - Thank you. - Won't you take off your raincoat? - Thank you, no. No? You must have some of this spaghetti. Its simply unparalleled. Not for breakfast. I eat normal digestible food. Well, its awfully nice. Spike sent it over. He cooked it himself. Its lost a little of its curl but thats on account of the rain. Oh, here, have a chair, won't you? Will you join me in a cup of coffee just for company? - No, thank you. - No? - Well, you don't mind if I go on with mine? - Certainly not. Mr. Lodge, are you really in love with my sister? Why, yes, probably. How do you mean probably? Miss Agnew, I'll be very frank with you. I suppose I'm what you would call a cad. You know, I find it awfully difficult to resist a beautiful girl. - Its a kind of disease with me, you see? - Lets stick to the point, Mr. Lodge. I want you to stay away from my sister. I think I can make it worth your while. Oh, you mean you think that I can be bought off? I imagine that you'd be amenable to a cash settlement. On the contrary, Miss Agnew. You may think it very strange, but we blackguards are rather sentimental. I remember men in our regiment who'd ride out across the sands against the Arabs to face a certain horrible death carrying a rose in their teeth. I seem to see you with spaghetti. Well, you misjudge me, Miss Agnew. However, I do have a price. Mmm. I thought so. What is it? Well, you see, I've always had an idea that given the proper subject, I could paint a really fine portrait. Now, I'm sure that under the inspiration of you and your hate I could paint as I've never painted before. Well, I hate you. Whats your proposition? Just this, I'll never see your sister again if you'll just pose for me. - Pose for you? - Yes. You mean, in the... In the morning or afternoon, doesn't matter. The morning light is better. - Just a portrait of your head. - But you've already made a picture of me. That was no good. Your face is too elusive to be painted from memory. - How long will it take? - Oh, well, how should I know? Now, take Correggio. Correggio spent 20 years in painting a portrait of his wife. Had three children by the time it was finished. - Coreggio was never married. - No, of course not. The bounder. I was thinking of Whistler. Whistler never made a portrait of his wife. No, I meant his mother. Oh, dear, so sorry. I'm afraid I can't give up the time. - Well, I'm giving up your sister. - How can I be sure you'll keep your word? I give you my personal guarantee that after I work on you for one month I'll forget Irene completely. Couldn't spare a month. Two weeks. I don't think I could forget her in two weeks. Lets split the difference. Make it three. - Very well, three weeks. - Good. - When do we start? - Oh, we've started. If you please. Now, if I may. Yes, you see, it isn't the portrait itself that takes so much time. Its getting the proper background. Now, I seem to see you... I seem to see you in a valley. Uh... No, no, no, on a hilltop. Yes, on a hilltop with your hair blowing in the breeze. On second thought, a beach. Your hair would blow better on a beach. - What were you going to say? - Nothing. Oh, don't you wanna talk about something? Yes. Do you take dope? Ooh! Ooh! Now, you see the advantages of a trailer? This morning on the sea, this afternoon in the woods and tonight... How's the scaloppine? Fine. Maybe its because I'm hungry. Bet this is the first time you've eaten a sandwich with ants. Maybe thats what tastes good. I know I don't like scaloppine. Maybe its the Girl Scout in you. I used to love the woods when I was little girl. Bet you were a charming little girl. Uh-oh. - Are you a freckler? - What? A freckler. Do you freckle easily? You know, you'd look cute with freckles. So would Irene. - I must bring her out here some time. - You can't. Oh, gosh. Thats right, I forgot. Gee, thats too bad. What a romantic spot. Brings out the sheik in me. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. Ha. I'll bet Omar Kháyyam never topped this with his verses underneath the bough. Look at these boughs, like fine filigree lace in delicate greens and browns. Oh, dear, dear. Gee, it seems almost sacrilegious for two people to be out here alone and not in love with each other, doesn't it? Uh-huh. Did you say yes? Well, I mean, I can understand two people being carried away by an atmosphere, that is if they have anything in common. Really, I must be getting back. Not in my covered wagon. I'm gonna take a nap after lunch under a tree. Under that one right there. - Well, how will I get back? - Walk. In addition to being the most unhealthy you're easily the most treacherous man I've ever known. I excel at everything I attempt. Have some more gorgonzola. I hate gorgonzola. The pearl of cheeses. I'll bet you freckle too. Ha-ha. Cute. Its very nice to have you around, Keough. I can save you a lot of wear and tear on your shoe leather. Yeah? How? I'll call you up every night at 9: OO at Kew Gardens. Give you a detailed account of my movements. Oh, thank you, sir. Right now I'm going in to see Miss Margit. Oh, thank you. - Would you like a cigar? - Yes, sir, thank you. My pleasure. Well, toodle-loo. Toodle-loo, sir. Wise guy. Well, Miss Margits at the radio station now giving her style broadcast. Oh. - She'll be back shortly. - Mm. - Would you like to wait? - I should be enchanté. Right over here. Maybe you'd like to hear her on the radio now. With the greatest of plaisir. She ought to be on any minute now. Auf Wiedersehen. Mm-hmm. Don't mention it. Felice, its off again. - Whats off again? - The wedding. I called up Judge Blynn, told him to postpone. Agnew told me to. There'll never be a ceremony. There's more likely to be a scandal. A nice, ripe, juicy mess. A scandal about Miss Margit? You're crazy. I've always suspected she and Beaver... - Are you trying to suggest...? - What else? Hasn't he been living there for years? Pretending to be engaged to Irene so no one would suspect. - Why she arranged to marry him off. - I don't believe it. And I'm ashamed of you for even trying to suggest such a thing. Voilø. Pardon? What...? Gracias, senorita. What can I do for you? Just stand still one moment. Good morning, friends. Spring is just around the corner... All skulls are divided into two main classifications: - Dolichocephalic and Brachycephalic. - Brachyceph...? Brachycephalic. Its not generally known that the human skull is divided into 22 separate bones. Oh, Waldo. Gentlemen, will you excuse us a moment? What happened? How did you get in here? Assault and battery, but fortunately the bail is trifling. Just a hundred dollars. Now, when you pay it... What makes you think I'm going to pay it? After the brutal and treacherous way in which you've been behaving. What, what? You can do anything you like to me, but you can't hurt Irene. Hurt Irene? I haven't even seen her over a week. Well, thats just it. You can't do that to her. Well... Waldo, I have a very important engagement this afternoon at 4. Its someone whose portrait I'm painting. A stickler for promptness. As a matter of fact, Irene asked me to come. She wants to see you. She's waiting for you. - Where? - At your trailer. - She can't. - She is. - Waldo, get me out of here quick. - Then you will see her? Yes, if we get there before 4. - Hello, Charlie. - Hello, Irene. - How are you? I'm glad to see you. - Waldo's waiting in the car. Whats he doing there? - You better not keep him waiting. - When we gonna rehearse? Oh, soon, very soon. You promised to go over those scenes. Yes, I know. But I'm acting in the best interests of everybody. - Now its... - But, Charlie, you promised. I'll call you and explain everything. Now scram. - Say, are you trying to get rid of me? - Irene, how could you think that? Goodbye. Ha. Oh, dear, I beg your pardon. Well, here you are. Right on the dot. Miss Agnew, I have every reason to believe that this is going to be my masterpiece. Hmph. Thats what I think of your masterpiece. Hey. Hey. - Get off my car. - Why did you break my painting? - Because you broke your word. - I did not. - I saw Irene coming out of your trailer. - I can explain. - I can explain everything. - Will you, or will you not get off my car? I will not. Officer. This man is drunk. - Officer, I can explain everything. - Oh, a red, eh? - Come on. - Hey, wait a minute. Its a frame-up, thats what it is. Miss Agnew's residence. Who? Keough ain't in just now. This is Mrs. Keough. Say, will you please tell him that I had tea this afternoon with Miss Irene at the Normandy. And you might also tell him that Mr. Beaver refused to join us. Well, thats all. Thank you. Well, hello. Decided to join us after all, huh? No, I'm not here socially. Margit asked me to look you up. I thought she gave orders that I was to be avoided. This is business. She wants to see you at the dress shop. - Mrs. Bly will be there too. - Mrs. Bly, that name sounds familiar. - Whats she gonna be there for? - A witness. When Margit unmasks you. Oh, I see. An unveiling, huh? - Waldo. - What? Sit down. - I'm gonna tell you something. - Well, Irene's waiting in there for you. Let her wait. Its a good thing to keep a woman waiting. But not too long. Now, you've kept Irene waiting for four years. First, you let her mother pick you out for her. Then you let Margit supervise your whole courtship. And then, up pops a rival. And what do you do? Like a noble, unmitigated ass, you lay down. I lie down. You lay down, instead of fighting. Women don't like noble, self-sacrificing men. Women are not civilized like we are. They like bloodshed. They like forceful men like me. Well, we're just different types, Charlie. Oh, that doesn't make any difference. Its the way you talk, its the way you stand. The way you sit, the way you look. Now, you look at a woman as if she had an overcoat on. Well, sometimes they do. Well, forget the overcoat. Now look, watch me. When you enter a room, take possession. like this: Yes, but why do you step aside? Make me move. Well, that wouldn't be very polite. Oh, forget that. Now, come on, try it. Now, enter. Get it? Yeah. Yes, but look, Waldo. Put your heels down like heels, not eggs. Your carriage should have a certain joie de vivre. - Yeah. - You see? Now, give it some verve, give it some dash. Wait a minute. Smile. Well, I am smiling. Thats not a smile. This is a smile: See? No, no, no, man. You don't have to use your whole mouth to look happy. - Well, I don't feel happy. - Well, come now, buck up. Now. I beg your pardon, sir. And there you have it. Oh, Charlie, its too late now. I've lost Irene. You fool. You haven't lost her. Will you do exactly what I tell you? Well, what do you want me to do? I'll go back in there to her. - Presently, you come in. - Yeah. Walk straight up to our table. If she greets you, don't pay any attention to her. - You come right over to me and say... - Yeah? - Say, "Look here, Lodge. Get to your feet. " - Yeah. - I'll get up and say, "Well?" - Yeah. Thats all the dialogue there is. Then you sock me. A good, stiff poke in the chin, but not too hard. - But make it look good. - And then what? Then you grab Irene. Take her if you've got to carry her out. If she fights, so much the better. Now, you got it? All right, lets try it. Come on now, here you come. Look here, Lodge, get to your feet. But, Waldo, you've got to put something into it. You got to give. Look here, Lodge, get to your feet. Thats it, now you've got it. Thats it exactly. You're a primitive man, yowling for his mate. Say, its in the bag. Now, in about two minutes. Look here, Lodge, get to your feet. Get to your feet. - Get to your feet. - Who me? Oh, no, sir. Do you really think I'm in love with Waldo? Aren't you? If Waldo were you, I would be. You know, deep down inside, he's very much like me. Oh, he's changed a lot lately. You know, I have a funny idea. I don't know why but somehow I have a feeling that he's on his way here, right now. Maybe he's coming here to kill you. Maybe we should creep out. - There he is. - What? And I think you're right. Hello, Waldo. Are your ears burning? No, its cold outside. Hello, Waldo. Look here, Lodge. Get to your feet. Well? I said, "Well?" I forgot to tell you. Your appointment with Margit at the dress shop is for 7: OO. Mr. Flint, where's that report? Mrs. Bly is here now. I didn't come here to look at a report. I came here to look at a man. Where is this combination of Casanova, Julius Caesar and Bluebeard? Wherever he is, he shoulïve been here 20 minutes ago. Oh, pardon me just one moment. Ooh. Come in. - Good evening. - Good evening. - Mrs. Bly, permit me to introduce... - Stonewall. Charlie. Why didn't you tell me it was Charlie Horse? - Charlie Horse? - Certainly. - Then he's an Indian. - Well, I'll say. - He told me his name was Lodge. - Well, it is Lodge. I told you that my name was Lodge, but you insisted upon calling me Horse. Well, you said I could call you Horse, if I'd let you call me Stonewall Jackson. For the sake of my sanity, you two have met before? Paris, April, the happiest month of my life. - What about... - Tell her about it, Charlie. What... Excuse me. You see, I was a professional guide in Paris at the time. I used to show people through the sewers. I can think of no one better qualified. - Well, how have you been? - I've been fine, Charlie, and you? Oh, well, need you ask it? You look like the very breath of spring. I'll try to make this as brief as possible. Margit, you smoke too much. You swore to me you'd never see Irene again. In spite of that, you had dinner with her Wednesday at the Lafayette. You had tea with her this afternoon at the Normandy. You've been leading her astray with false promises. You promised to get her a film career. You promised her a Japanese butler and a Negro chauffeur. You promised her a home in Beverly Hills somewhere on a hilltop. Can you give her these things? No, you haven't a penny. Have you gotten her a film contract? No. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Margit, you smoke too much. Mr. Flint says the reports ready. - Tell him to come in at once. - Yes, ma'am. Too much smoking will ruin your heart. Its my heart. I'll ruin it if I wish. But if you're to be my sister-in-law... Mr. Lodge in January, 1931, you were in Paris. From there, you went to Monte Carlo. And on February 2nd of that year, you were in Berlin. Was that a crime? While you were in Monte Carlo, you gambled night and day. - Do you deny that? - No. - Why did you do it? - I wanted to win. Ah-ha. - Why did you leave for Berlin in a hurry? - Because I won. Oh. That won't do any good. I have a copy. Oh. Oh, so have I. And its more complete. If you really want the story of my life, I'd be glad to oblige. With the details, and they're very interesting. - Mr. Flint refuses to come in here. - He what? He says he can't come in as long as this gentleman is present. Is he out of his mind? Oh, so, you know my bookkeeper too. I suppose you call him Martha Washington. No, but we've met. This gentleman conked... I mean, punched. - Mr. Flint for saying things about you. - Things, what things? - Oh, awful things. Flint said that Mr. Beaver was more than just a boarder at your house. He insinuated that you and Mr. Beaver were... - Well, you know. - Mr. Flint said that? Oh, yes, he did, Miss Agnew. And then this gentleman knocked him down. Flint called the police, and they arrested this gentleman. Well... Well, it was nice of you to come to my defense like that. Oh, shucks. It weren't nothing. Anyone in my place would have did the same. Well, I can't understand why Mr. Flint would say things like that about me. Well, maybe he's in love with you. You know, people in love often go out of the way to hurt. Even people of your type. Have you somebody you love? - Thats my business. - Ah-ha. You have somebody. I didn't say I had anybody. "Thats my business" means you have somebody. Mr. Lodge, we're not here to discuss my affairs. - What have you got to say for yourself? - Who, me? Well, simply that I'm going to marry Irene and take her to Hollywood. I may not be all that I should be but when a man loves like I do he can be made completely over by a good wife. Its Irene who needs a good husband. She could never make you into one. Margit, why don't you marry him yourself? He's in love with Irene, not me. Mrs. Bly. You must be out of your mind. People say what they mean when they're out of their minds. Oh, there you are, eh? Don't you move. Miss Agnew, I've found her. - Found who? - His wife. You did? Why, Keough, you're not bad. There, you see? Look at him, standing there. Just as if nothing had happened. - Well, nothing has happened. - Oh, you big bigamist. You talk about marrying my sister when you have a wife already. But we've been divorced. Why, I didn't even know that Claire was in town. - Say, where is she staying? - Waldorf Terrace, Mr. Lodge. - Could you get her on the phone for me? - Yeah. She's a fine woman, Margit. I want you to meet her. Suite 311, please. Well, I wonder if she's had dinner? - Mrs. Lodge? Just a minute. - Oh, thanks, Keough. Hello, Claire. How are you, darling? This is Charlie. Charlie. Charlie Lodge. I used to be your husband, remember? Well, how are you, dear? Say, you know the funniest thing. I was thinking about you just this morning. I was looking at a picture of a tiger in some magazine. It made me think of the time we were hunting in Africa. We got lost and had to spend the night in a tree because you were afraid of snakes. And you insisted upon coming down. You said you'd feel safer with the snakes, remember? Well, where you having dinner, dear? Oh, no, no, no, you be my guest. All right, all right, darling. I'll be right over and get you. All right, sweet. Goodbye. Well... Oh, magnificent woman. I met her in Bangkok. It was the rainy season. Oh, well, I guess I gotta be going. I'll look you up, Stonewall. - Goodbye, darling. - Goodbye. Oh, excuse me. Well, toodle-loo. - Shall I have Mr. Flint come in now? - No, tell him I'll see him tomorrow. You may go, Felice. - Leave some aspirin on your desk for me. - Yes, Miss Agnew. The way I come to find out about his wife was very funny. A friend of mine works in a lawyer's office and he was telling me tha... You may report tomorrow, Keough. Tell Mrs. Keough to leave some aspirin by my bed. Aspirin, yes, ma'am. I'm sort of confused, Mrs. Bly. Something's happened to me. Oh, thats all right, baby. Don't let it get you down. It happens to everyone. - What? - It. - We're not talking about the same thing. - Oh, yes, we are. I never dreamed I could hate anyone the way I hated him. When I was rude to him, I enjoyed every minute of it. That was in the beginning. But the ruder I got, the more considerate he got. - He's a terrible man, an awful man. - Horrible. If I had a daughter and she fell in love with him, I'd wring her neck. But I'd envy her. A liar and a horse thief. And you've fallen in love with him. Say, you smoke too much. My good man, you may wait. Yes, sir. Stonewall. Ahhh. Stonewall, hey. Stonewall, come on. - Up you get. - Oh, get out of here. Come on now, upsy-daisy. Come on. Hey. - Oochy, koochy, koochy... - Hey, whats the idea? - Charlie Horse. - Stonewall. - Get me water, quick. - Do I burn? Oh, and how. Say, I'm glad you're here. I have something I wanna tell you, young man. - Me too. - Okay, shoot. - No, you first. - No, you. - No, you. - Charlie. - Stonewall. - I don't know whether you're worth it. Ten to one, you're not, But I'm gonna tell you anyway. Come on over here. I can't see so far away in the morning. Come on over here. Say, you're acting like an awful sap. Do you know it? - Think so? - Yes, I do. Well, maybe you're right. - You kind of like her, don't you? - I'm nuts about her. Sure. You wouldn't be my Charlie Horse, if you weren't. - She's nuts about you too. - Oh, I know that. - What are you gonna do about it? - Thats what I stopped in to tell you. I wanted to invite you to my wedding. I'm marrying Margit at 3 this afternoon. Yes, sir. I'm marrying Irene at 3: OO this afternoon. You're marrying Irene at 3: OO this afternoon? - Thats right, 3: OO. - This afternoon? Yes, this afternoon. - Haven't you something to say to that? - Look here, Lodge. I congratulate you. - Oh, yes, thanks, Waldo. - You're a very lucky man. Yes, yes. Irene is certainly a marvelous girl. Only you're not in love with her. Well, well... Well, of course, it just happens that she's in love with me. Yes, but... I mean... - You will come to the wedding? - Well, of course, I'll come. I guess. If I'm invited. Oh, you're invited. - How would you like to be best man? - Well, thanks, Charlie. - Thats mighty generous of you. - Not at all, Waldo. The ceremony is at 3: OO. - Three o'clock. - Yes, 3: OO sharp. - Sharp. - And, Waldo, don't be late. Don't be late. Oh, and, Waldo. Don't take anything to drink, will you? Waldo, you know, you're a very different person when you drink. And Irene and I don't want a scene. - Hello, Irene. - Hello, Waldo. I'm glad you haven't left yet. I was just waiting for the taxi. - I wanted to see you before you left. - What did you want to see me about? Why, I guess I just wanted to say goodbye. Oh. - Well, goodbye, Waldo. - Goodbye, Irene. - Is that all, Waldo? - Irene. Yes, Waldo? Would you kiss me goodbye? Taxi is waiting, Miss Irene. My, it hardly took the taxi any time at all to get here. Well, you see, its only two and seven-tenths miles to the taxi stand. Well, see you. See you in church. Look here, Keough. Get to... - Have we any whisky in the house? - Only for medicinal purposes. Well, I'm sick. Mrs. Lodge, would you mind telling me the grounds for your divorce? Desertion, Miss Agnew. - What do you mean by that? - By what? - Ah. - Its as I expected. That Charlie was a vile monster, cruel and sadistic. Who tormented his wife until he grew tired of her and then left her flat. - Is that it? - Roughly. No, Miss Agnew. I'm afraid the fault was mostly mine. You see, Charlie hadn't a penny when I married him. - And I had scads of money. - He married you for your money. Oh, not at all. He left me for my money. That is, on account of my money. He insisted upon my living in the style to which he was accustomed. And all Charlie had in the world was an auto-trailer. And he wanted me to live in it and follow the birds. Well, I couldn't see that. Of course, I offered to compromise on a yacht. But he couldn't see that. In fact, he wanted me to give away all my money so we could start from scratch. Well, I refused to give all my money away, so we parted company. But there are some things money can't buy. Thats a bit of gypsy philosophy he taught you. You see, Miss Agnew, I wanted to make Charlie over to suit me. I wanted a well-ordered life, with breakfast at 8, and cold showers. Everything loathsome to a man like Charlie. If you wanna keep Charlie in love with you, don't try to change him. Just make up your mind you're in an asylum. And married to the head lunatic. Laugh with him, cry with him. But don't try to destroy the thing about him that you love him for. There's nothing I love him for. Not one solitary thing. - Why, aren't you in love with him? - Certainly not. - Then you aren't going to marry him? - Oh, don't be absurd. Well, thats very funny because he asked me to come to his wedding this afternoon. Oh? At 3: OO. - Oh. - At his trailer. Oh! - Yes, who is it? - Open the door at once. Oh. Hello. Come in. For once your door wasn't wide open. Is it a guilty conscience? No, no, I was busy. I just didn't wanna be disturbed. Well, you're going to be disturbed, plenty. Oh, Irene is with you. If you're hiding her, why didn't you hide her luggage too? I'm not hiding her. She's gone shopping. Now, now, please don't get excited, Miss Agnew. Irene's presence here is no secret. I sent for her. I've even invited Waldo to be best man. Now, lets sit down and talk things over, like rational human beings. - Sit down, please. - Irene left the house without a word to me. - Not even goodbye. - Well, she's afraid of you. You've got her buffaloed. But not me. I've acted honorably in every respect. You haven't. Why the very minute that my back was turned you rushed down to my ex-wife. - Who told you? - Keough. - Keough? - Yes, Keough. I've got an agreement with him. I give him a report of my movements. And in exchange, he gives me a report on your movements. Sit down, please. Besides, Claire phoned me the instant that you left her. Now, there's a real woman. And she's very fond of me. Then why did you leave her? No responsible man would ever do such a thing. Only responsible men do do such things. Claire and I didn't get along, we separated. Whats wrong with that? - What should I have done? Killed her? - You shouldn't have married. How can I know that in advance? One should know everything in advance, plan accordingly. One should know nothing in advance, plan accordingly. You see, Miss Agnew, we differ. And I'm very sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I'm not interested in the bottom of your heart. And don't be polite. Miss Agnew. Abuse me if you will, but do sit down. I won't. Oh, Miss Agnew, Miss Agnew. Please don't cry. I'm not crying. But I don't want you to cry, Margit. Its not you, its Irene. I wanted so for her to be happy and safe. Thats all I've worked and planned for. And you, what are you going to do? That woman said you didn't have a penny. Where will you go? Well, I figure on Hollywood. Where will you get money for traveling? - Oh, I don't need any, I've got the trailer. - But how will you live? Don't worry about that. I've got plenty of money. I've hocked things and sold things. You see, I had a fur coat. Oh, a beautiful fur coat, lined with opossum. I bought it in London. Oh, it was a showpiece. It opened all doors to me. I paid 50 pounds for it. - What did you get for it? - Twenty dollars. Twenty dollars? Why, whats the matter? Could you have gotten more? Of course. Well, I guess the next time I better go to you first, huh? What else did you sell? Well, once upon a time there was a beautiful dress suit with six, stunning white waistcoats. I hocked all those. Oh, yes, and also once upon a time there was a gold watch with a double case. A genuine Swiss watch, made by Copek, Stopek, and Stopek, Geneva. Oh, it was a beautiful watch. It struck the hours so softly, so gently, so appealingly. like a dainty little silver bell. Ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding Oh, it was a lovely watch. But I sold it. In spite of Copek, Stopek, and Stopek, Geneva. What are you going to do when you haven't anything left to pawn? Well, then, I suppose I'll have to sell one of my paintings. You mean, you can sell one of your paintings? Oh, sure, I sell them very easily. But I hate to. You know, every time I sell one of them, I regret it. Someday, I'm gonna buy them all back again. You see, nobody loves my paintings as much as I do. Each one has been a little part of my life. And I like to keep all my life with me all the time. I bet you think I'm a fool. No, you're not a fool. I guess. Margit... Oh, dear. Oh, Irene, come in, darling. - Well... - Oh, Margit. Oh, Margit, I didn't... I meant to send you a telegram, really. I told you that she was afraid of you. Here, let me take your flowers, dear. - Oh, Margit. - There's no need for you to be afraid of me. I've no authority over you whatsoever. I've come to ask you to come home. One minute, Margit. - The time has come... - Please, I'm handling this. Its my duty to you and Waldo to make this final attempt. Waldo and I will forget what you've done. - Now, come home. - No, Margit, I can't. Its too late now for that. Its too late now for anything. Oh, everything's all mussed up. Darling, I guarantee you that Waldo will forgive you. - Well, I'm not willing to forgive him. - Forgive him? - Waldo's done nothing. - Thats just it. He's perfectly willing to see me go off with another man. Maybe he's even glad. May I make a suggestion? If its going to hurt so terribly for us to go so far away we could stay here and be close to you. - Yes, Margit, please. I don't want your pity. There's something fishy about it. Oh, now thats unjust. If we stayed here, you could look after your little sister. Come on now, come and live with us and share our happiness. I'd just love to have you live with me. With us. Oh, thats absurd. But you wanted to live with Waldo and me, didn't you? - Yes, but... - But you object to sharing a roof with me even the roof of a trailer. - I do. - Why? Well, because. - Irene. - Yes? - Did you pack your winter underwear? - No, I won't need it in Hollywood. Your tweed suit and your hot-water bottle and mother's picture? Yes. Well, Irene, I give up. I withdraw my objection. Oh. - Well, thats fine, isn't it? - Yes, isn't it? But what about me being a grasshopper? - I'm resigned to that. - Oh, what about your duty? I've done my duty. Irene has made her decision. I can't interfere. The only thing to do is be philosophical about it. Hello, everybody. - Hi, Charlie Horse. - Oh, hello. - Hello, there, Margit. Hello, Irene. - Oh, dear, dear, what lovely roses. - Don't tell me I'm too late. - No, you're too early. Just set them right down there if you... Congratulations. Say, you're very a lucky guy. Very lucky. Oh, don't be so cocky, babe. You're doing all right yourself. I finally accepted the inevitable. - Oh, there's the telephone. - No, I rang it. - But you mustn't. - Somebody might congratulate me. What are you looking so glum about? Mrs. Bly, it wasn't too easy for me to consent to Irene's marrying Mr. Lodge. Wait a minute. Charlie Horse. You're marrying...? Irene. - Oh. Well, whats holding things up? - We're waiting for Waldo. - Waldo, the worm. - Look here, Lodge. Get to your feet. I think you've had enough, sonny. Hello, everybody. Hello, Mr. Lodge. How are you? You haven't met Mrs. Keough, have you? We talked over the telephone. Keough, what are you doing here? Well, Mr. Lodge invited us to the wedding. - I ain't had a day off in four weeks. - Five weeks. Quiet. Dear, what lovely flowers. Somebody get me a vase. - Here, I'll get one. - Several vases. A bathtub would come in handy. - It begins to look more like a hothouse. - Or a nuthouse. Hello, everybody. - Congratulations. - Oh, thanks. The winner. Boys, that certainly is mighty nice of you. How do I look? - Like a horse. - Charlie Horse. Charlie Horse. Well, here goes. Hey, whats the matter? Ain't I supposed to kiss the bride? - I'm not the bride, you ape. - There you go again, calling me an ape. I ain't no ape! - Who is the bride? - Well, I'm not. - Hello. - Look who's here. - Well, hello, everybody. - Are you the bride? Not this time. Who are you? Oh, getting tough, eh? Who are you? Oh, just a moment. Excuse me. Hello, Claire. I'm glad you're here, darling. Oh, well, its about time that everybody gets introduced to everybody. This is Claire Lodge, my ex-wife. And the finest ex-wife any fellow ever had. Up to this moment you've been feeding drinks to a mouse. A noble, unmitigated mouse. But from now on, I'm a lion. Look here, lion. Get to your feet. Primitive man, yowling for his mate. Hey, come on, fellas, the judge is here. Come on, get going. Hurry up, get going. For he's a jolly good fellow - Say, what is this, a raid? - No, its a wedding. Come on, you're all invited. One, two. You've even arranged for the music. How nice. You know, my dear, its been postponed so much I was beginning to think I wouldn't have the pleasure. But where is Mr. Beaver? He doesn't seem to be here. I don't think he's coming. Not coming? You mean the wedding is to be postponed again? My sister's getting married to Mr. Lodge. - Oh, dear. - Well, whats the matter with him? Well, I have always been given to understand that Mr. Beaver was to marry Irene. Judge Blynn, will you get on with the wedding, please? - Whose wedding is this, anyway? - There's no reason for waiting longer. Lets get it over with. Right this way, folks. Get your hot dogs. Will the bride and gloom... Groom. - Please join hands? - Charlie. - Yes, dear? Wrong hand. Oh, oh. - Yes, dear. - Now this is a very serious step. Oh, just a minute, my hands are dirty. I can't get married with dirty hands. No, I better wash them. Irene fell in love with them dirty, she can marry them dirty. Now, there you are, still trying to run people. - I'm getting impatient, Mr. Lodge. - You've always been impatient. Are you trying to make a fool out of my sister? This is my wedding. You weren't even invited. Judge Blynn, go on with the ceremony. Now, if you're quite sure... If you're quite sure. Oh, Charlie, I haven't any flowers. I can't get married without flowers. Of course you can't. Will somebody run out and pick some flowers? - Here. - We can't be married with bachelor buttons. No. You'd have two bridegrooms and no bride. - I always used lilies. - Why not pansies? Yes, pansies. We'll send out for some. - Boy. - This is a fine time to think of etiquette. Oh, well. Just cancel those pansies. Now, if you're quite sure that... I'm sorry. If you're quite sure there's nothing else, we'll start. Stop. I'm not going to be married without a best man. - No. - Its too lonely. We'll get you a best man. That ape should suit you fine. I'm warning you. Maybe we better choose a best man. Who wants to be best man? I do. Oh, dear, well this is very embarrassing. I don't know which of you to choose. Oh, I know, I've got it, I've got it. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. - Hello. - Hello. - Mr. Lodge. - Catch a... This is not at all necessary. Judge Blynn, proceed. Marriage is an holy estate, and each of... Oh, thank you. Wait here. Now, do you take this man for your lawful wedded husband? Yes. - It is customary for the bride... - Judge Blynn, go ahead. Do you take this woman for your lawful wedded wife? - No. - Yes. - No. - Yes. - No. - When you make up your minds as to who is to marry whom... Why should the simple process of marrying two people take more time than drawing up the Constitution of the United States? You've made my life miserable the moment you entered it. You spoiled everything I ever planned. You made me disbelieve everything I believed in. You said you wanted to marry my sister. Well, for Pete's sake, marry her and go to Hollywood. - But I don't love Irene. - What? I don't love Irene. Mr. Lodge. Do you mean to tell me that you don't love my sister? Miss Agnew, I mean to tell you exactly that. And I'm not in love with him. I love Waldo. And I love you. - I beg your pardon? - I love you. - I beg your pardon? - Margit, I love you. Well, why didn't you say so, you big grasshopper? I love you too. - Look here, Lodge, get to your feet. - Oh, I am on my feet. - Here, hold this. - Well. For he's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow Are you hurt? Oh, he's unconscious. Somebody get some water. - Yes, get some water. - Get some water. Quiet! - Oh, dear. - Look here, Irene, get to your feet. - Waldo, don't hit me. I mean, you're coming with me, do you hear? - And if you fight back, so much the better. - Waldo, whats happened to you? - Gangway, I got "yumph. " - Just a minute. See here, see here, see here. You can't treat that woman like that when I'm around here. You're interfering with two young people who are in love. Yeah, I knew it. All that trouble over a dame. Well, what about it? Dames are at the bottom of all the trouble. - Oh, you think so, huh? - Yes, I do. - Hey, what do you mean? - You can't start... - Hey, get going. - Quit punching me. Get your hot dogs, nice juicy... Hey, you. Put that hamburger... Put that... Help! Police! Quit slugging my pal. Or I'll let you have one, you understand? - Why, you great big ape. - Don't you do that to him. There's the telephone. You have no right to interfere. - My friend... - This is not your... Your friend or not your friend. For he's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny If you want to fight, I'll fight you. Charlie! Charlie! If you want to fight, I'll fight you. Oh! For he's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow Charlie! He's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Sure now, you'll have to get back And give the boys a chance to get through here. Come on, now! This is a great day for old Ireland. Hooray! Friends... Many of you brought away with you a handful of Irish sod, To keep green your memories of home. But you needn't have. You didn't leave Ireland behind you. It's in your hearts... Wherever you go. That's what these two months in America have taught me, That wherever you find an Irishman, You also find the generosity... And the loyalty... And the passion for freedom Which is the soul of Ireland herself. Give Ireland back to the Irish! Get home rule for Ireland! That's what we're going to do, in time, And the day is nearer than some think. And now I must go back to Ireland. I can't start thanking you for all you've done. This boat would never sail. But I'll just say... And I know you'll say it with me... God save Ireland. Good-Bye, Parnell! Go home and save Ireland! In two minutes, we'll be shaking hands with him again. I doubt if any man's return has ever Been so waited for... or needed. It's a dangerous thing when one man Is as important as all that. Not when that man's Parnell. Here he comes now, sir. I'd be ticklish to arrest Parnell here in all this crowd. Ticklish? Dangerous, if I may say so, sir. We better make the arrest on the road. Hop in. Oh! Mr. Parnell! Glory be! The saints be praised for bringing you back to us! That's a grand welcome he's getting. Yes, he certainly seems popular with the rabble. Come along, and I'll introduce you. No, not here. Why not? There's such a thing as a psychological moment, general, And this isn't it. When I meet him, I don't want to be in competition With a crowd of unwashed hooligans. Did you see me cousin Patrick? And me nephew Dennis Cogan? Is it true that you can pick up gold Off the streets of new york city Like you can shamrocks on the roadside Here in Ireland? There's gold and love And help for Ireland in new york city... Or wherever you find an Irishman. There he goes. Follow him. Watch your feet. Oh, it's good to be home again, Michael. We've needed you. Are things as bad here as you wrote me? Oh, worse. You're bound to see it as we go along. Evictions, outrages, house burnings. It all began again the minute you left. You're the only one who could do anything, With the English or the Irish. Look. Is it the rent? Are you the sheriff? Yes, your honor. What do these people owe? 8 pound. I'll pay it. Too late for that, sir. The landlord wants them evicted. Who is the landlord? Pat Hogan. Where is he? Here he comes now, sir. Are you pat Hogan? What's that to you? You're landlord here. I'll pay these people's rent. You'll not! Why not? I'd sooner let the land for grazing. That's what I'm going to do. And leave them homeless? I'm within me rights. Me rights by law. Mr. Parnell? Yes. I'm sorry, sir, but I... I have a warrant for your arrest. What's that? You can't arrest him! I'm terribly sorry I have to do this. That's all right. Now, what's it for this time? Seditious utterances. Well, I've made several utterances That might be called "seditious." Now, where are you taking me? Kilmainham jail, If it's all the same to you, sir. All right. I'll go with you in just a minute. It's not much you're losing here. This is where me father was born... And lived and died... And me father's father before him. It's all we have or ever have had. It's all we know. There's no place else. Oh, yes, there is. Campbell. Yes, sir. Will you stay behind and see that these people Are sent up to my place, Avondale? Yes, sir. Put them on the train and telegraph my steward To have a cottage ready for them. Very well, sir. So that's the king of Ireland. The uncrowned king. He'll get his crown... In heaven. Morning, gentlemen. Good morning. Good morning to you. How's the work coming? Oh, grand. I've got all those reports you wanted. Oh, you've been quick. And why shouldn't he be, With nothing to disturb him? It's a grand scheme, us working here. Take a look at these election leaflets. They just came back from the printers. Yes, they're all right. Oh, uh, Mr. Parnell. Do you remember me, sir? Yes, I do indeed. The O'Gorman Mahon, isn't that right? The old boy himself, sir. I hope you'll pardon us for intruding on you In your hour of trouble. There's no trouble, I assure you. We're having a splendid time. Ireland's affairs have never been run better. Well, I wanted to take this opportunity To present to you me friend captain William O'shea. How do you do, captain O'shea? How do you do? A fine man, sir, And the new candidate with meself for county Clare. I took it upon meself to sponsor him While you were in America. I take this as an auspicious omen For my political career, To meet the Irish leader at its outset. I have no fears as to the result of the election now. Well, may I wish you a speedy release. Thank you, captain O'shea, And good luck in county Clare. And now, though you may not believe it, The pressure of business is very great, So if you'll excuse me. Why, certainly. Michael, what about this man, O'shea? I don't know much about him. But you don't like him. There's not a man in the party likes him, sir. Why is the O'Gorman backing him? I think O'shea is putting up The election money for both of you. Oh... I see. All right, Campbell. Let's get to work. Yes, sir. Take a letter to... sir Charles Russell. Yes? Excuse me, sir. Uh, Mr. Parnell, sir, The crowd outside is getting awful troublesome. You wouldn't like to say a word to them now, Just to quiet them, would you? It'd be a great relief to me if you would. Yes, of course. I'll open the window for you. My friends, this demonstration is very flattering, But for the sake of the authorities in charge here, I must ask you not to do it. We'll get you out! We'll get you out if we have to tear the jail down! No, no, no. You mustn't do that either. Just go about your business as peaceful Irish citizens... And as if nothing had happened. The election is only 3 days off. Do your duty at the polls. And remember this: The cause of Irish freedom will be pursued As fervently from this jail As it would be from my office in Westminster. Your friends and leaders are here with me. We're working for a parliament in Dublin. Meantime, we're holding a preliminary one here in Kilmainham. So that's the great Parnell. And that's what I came all this way to Ireland for: 3 words and a handshake. Now, you mustn't be discouraged, me boy. You can't afford it. There's nobody else can do for you What he can in Irish politics. I know. Oh, don't worry. I'll make friends with him. Well, it's not going to be easy. As soon as he gets out of jail, I'll get my wife To invite him to Eltham for dinner. I didn't know you ever saw your wife Long enough to have dinner with her. And now I have to entertain for him. Don't look so glum! But it's only the beginning, aunt Ben. Now that Willie's a member of parliament, There'll be no end to his demands. Money? More money. Well, as a member of parliament, He'll have more ways to spend it. Houses and champagne suppers will only be extra now. You mustn't give it to him, aunt Ben. He won't ask me. No. He'll ask me to ask you. Well, I'd rather see you give him money, Even my money, than... other things. At least it's kept him away from you, dear. It's not enough, aunt Ben. If only he'd let me divorce him, But he won't. That's the one thing Willie won't do, Even for money. Aunt Ben, is there no way Of forcing him to give me a divorce? My dear, my dear, we've gone over this all so many times. With our English laws, we can't force him To do anything he doesn't want to do. I shan't be a minute, aunt Ben. Take your time. My time of life, there's no hurry. You sure you won't come with me? My dear, I've listened to men saying nothing for so many years That it isn't worth going into the house of commons To hear them doing it for their country. Where can I find Mr. Parnell? He's in the house at the moment, ma'am. If you like, you can wait for him in committee room 15. It's across the lobby and up the stairs to your right. Or, if you'd like to hear him speak- No, thank you. Katie? Hello, Willie. Have you... seen Parnell? No. He's in the house. Yes, I know. He's going to speak. Why don't you go up in the ladies' gallery and hear him? Aunt Ben's waiting in the carriage. Well, you're not going without seeing him. Willie, I can't run after him like this. I've written to him twice, and he hasn't answered. I told you he never reads letters. Come on, Katie. He won't talk long. Very well. This is my last effort to reach him. It is true that there is unrest in Ireland today. There always will be, Until you give the farmer fair treatment, Assure fair dealings between landlord and tenant, And give Ireland a parliament that she can call her own. That's what we're looking for! Give us a parliament of our own! Ireland for the Irish! And the land for the people! As much as any Englishman here present, I deplore the unrest, The violence, and the outrage, But force will not cure them. You have passed 80 coercion acts for Ireland In the 80 years since you abolished her parliament. And what is the result? 3 rebellions, A million and a half people dead From starvation and sickness, And 3 million people forced to leave their land To find food and homes elsewhere. Surely this is a spectacle that marks The very height of tragic suffering. For years, the British government has debated on Egypt and India, Then wept over the sorrows Of the Bulgarians and the Armenians, Responsibilities far distant from its door. And all the while, across that strip of water called the Irish sea, So narrow that its a wonder Their cries cannot be heard here in this house, As I hear them in my ears, A sister people agonizes... and unheeded. Charity should begin at home. Settle the land question, Mr. Speaker. Assure fair dealings between landlords and tenants, And you'll have peace in Ireland. Send us the military, And you ravage the country anew. Mr. Gladstone. Mr. Speaker, sir. Any utterance of the honorable member whom we have just heard Must command our respect and attention. In the present instance, He has spoken with the emotion, the conviction, And also the impatience which comes from true sympathy with the cause. But... I would remind him that we have another problem Before the house at the present time, And I must ask the house to proceed. And I say the house shall not proceed, With that business or any other business, Until it gives us a guarantee that Ireland's grievance- It'll take an earthquake To settle the Irish land question. Then let us have an earthquake! Mr. Speaker, sir! This is intolerable! I must request that the house- I move that Mr. Gladstone be no longer heard! Holy Morgan! He's telling the old spider to shut up! Mr. Speaker, sir. It is my painful duty to move That the honorable member for cork Be suspended from service in this house... For the remainder of this sitting. Mr. Speaker, I beg to second The motion which has just been made. Order. The motion before the house is... That the honorable member for cork, Mr. Parnell, Be suspended from the services of this house For the remainder of this sitting. Those in favor, say "aye." Aye! Those against will say "no." No! The house will now divide. Mr. Campbell. Mr. Campbell. Gather together all members of the party And tell them to stand by for suspension. Very good, sir. But what will happen, sir, When all our members are suspended? Nothing. They'll take us back again in 24 hours. Meanwhile, we're suspending the business Of the British empire for 24 hours. Yes, and we'll keep on doing it Until we show them our strength and unity. Sit together, act together, war together- That's what we must abide. When Gladstone sees that the Irish Actually can stick together, Then perhaps they'll condescend to notice us And realize that we are important. Mr. Parnell. Mr. Parnell, sir. There's a lady waiting to see you. A lady? Mrs. O'shea. O'shea? Any relation to the newly elected member for county Clare? Wife. Do I know her? No. Tell her I can't see her. I'm too busy. Uh, excuse me, sir. She's a great friend of Mr. Gladstone. Did she tell you so? No... her husband did. Oh. Where is she? Well, I took the liberty, sir, Of asking her to wait in your office. Very well. Mr. Parnell. I... I've kept you waiting. I apologize. It was extremely kind of you To see me at all, Mr. Parnell. You're Mrs. O'shea. Yes. I was in the ladies gallery just now when you spoke. Oh. Then you saw the fireworks. When Mr. Gladstone had you suspended, I wanted to kill him. In all fairness, Mr. Gladstone wasn't to blame. He had no alternative. I forced him to suspend me. But after your wonderful speech, I expected the house to rise as a body And grant Ireland her freedom. You must have listened with your heart. Men avoid that if they can. All my life, I've heard of home rule. It's just been a dull political phrase. I've usually ceased to listen When someone mentioned it. Now suddenly, it means something to me, Something vital and urgent, Because of what you said. I'm deeply gratified. But you didn't come here to discuss politics. No. My purpose was to extend an invitation. It's accepted. You take my breath away! I've been told you rarely go to parties Or accept invitations. Where am I to appear? And when? I was going to ask you to dinner At our house next Thursday. I'm coming. At what time? At 8:00. Next Thursday at 8:00. But it's in the country at Eltham. Quite a distance. No distance at all. Then I can really expect you? Good-Bye, Mr. Parnell. And thank you. You know... Miracles happen. I have my proof of that now. Miracles? Yes. I've seen you before today, Mrs. O'shea. Indeed. Last week at the opera. You were wearing a white dress with white roses. Why, yes! The lights went up, and there you were. Suddenly, there was no music, No opera house, nothing- Nothing but a distance between us. I asked who you were. No one could give me your name. I resolved to find it out, to meet you. And now, here you are- Here we are... Talking... Friends. I should consider it an honor If we might be, Mr. Parnell. Good-Bye. I won't take any more of your time. You won't forget next Thursday? No. Good-Bye. The O'Gorman Mahon will sit here. Mrs. Wood will sit here. And Mr. Parnell will sit there. Here, ma'am? In this chair? Yes. Oh, the saints be with us! I'll be in the same room with him this night! Tomorrow I can die. Just so it isn't tonight, Ellen. What's the matter, Katie? Anything wrong? The kitchen is like bedlam. The uncrowned king of Ireland is coming for dinner, And they're practically in hysterics. They'll be in them completely when he doesn't turn up. He will... Though I almost wish he wouldn't. Stage fright? Not exactly. Why, then? I felt that it was bad enough To have to be a party to Willie's scheming Before I met Mr. Parnell. Now that I have, It's loathsome. I gather you liked him better than you expected. I'd give anything not to have this evening happen. Auntie, I- Here comes that dear, inquisitive sister of yours. Isn't it wonderful? Entertaining in this house again! I'm so excited! Aren't you, Katie? I can see you are. Oh, I think it's wonderful, Willie's being in parliament And you giving political dinners for him. I do envy you, Katie. What's that? Kathleen Mavourneen. You're not going to sing tonight? Well, I thought perhaps an Irish song Would be a compliment. Not if I have anything to do with it. Clara, I should think by now that you- Hello, Katie. Hello, Willie. Parnell not here yet? No. Evening, aunt Ben, Clara. It's an honor to be here tonight, ma'am. We're pleased to have you. Yes. And you, ma'am, Are lovelier than ever. Thank you, general. Ah, miss wood. Good evening, general. Have you been fighting any more duels? Well, not since last I saw you. Oh, did I ever tell you That, in the course of me life, I've had 22 major encounters, To say nothing of minor skirmishes. You did, general. I think it's too thrilling! 19 of them in defense of women's honor. Honor? I always wondered why they called it that. Does the little lady play? And sings. Well, not really. Just for my own amusement, you know. Amusement? Well, I suppose it's a special kind of humor. Oh, then we must hear you. Kathleen Mavourneen! That's my favorite song. Oh, no, general. I couldn't. Really, I couldn't. I haven't looked at it for ages. Oh, now, now, now, We're not going to let you off, miss wood. What voice have you? Soprano or contralto? No. Well... it's a sort of mezzo, really, Though I did once take high "c." That was a day. Pity providence chose gout Instead of deafness to afflict me with. Katie. Yes? My election has cost more than I expected. I'll need some money. How much? £2,000. To get you into parliament? Well, the O'Gorman Mahon and me. Have you got to pay his expenses, too? Well, I couldn't have got in without him. Can you let me have it? You know I can't. I haven't anything. You could get plenty. Aunt Ben paid your debts 3 months ago. I can't ask her again. You mean you won't. If you'd rather put it that way. Hmm. Look here, Katie. If I can't pay my election expenses, There's only one thing left for me to do: Retire and become a country gentleman. What do you mean? Well, if I can't pay my debts, I'll have to come down here and live with you. Good evening, sir. Good evening. Here's Mr. Parnell now. You will be nice to him tonight, won't you? Good evening, Mr. Parnell. Good evening, captain O'shea. Glad to have you here, sir. It's an honor for us. Nice of you to come. We're only a small party. I hope you won't mind. I should like it. Good evening, Mrs. O'shea. Good evening, Mr. Parnell. My aunt, Mrs. Wood. How do you do? My sister, miss wood. Miss wood. And I believe you know The O'Gorman Mahon. I do. Good evening, general. Good evening, Mr. Parnell. I hope I'm not late. I'm afraid it's dinner that's going to be late. In fact, there's more than a chance That you won't get any. No? You see, my niece Has all Irish servants in her kitchen. And they're so excited about your coming, That what with all the tears and prayers And blessings that are going on, I shudder to think what dinner will be like If it does materialize. Ha ha ha. What a fine house you have here, Mrs. O'shea. And you've given it a soul, too. Filled it with that subtle warmth Which makes houses live. Thank you. It's cheerful tonight because of all this Distinguished masculine company. Ha ha. I don't see how Willie can be content To spend all his time away from this charming atmosphere. Do you, Mr. Parnell? Ahem. Katie, if we aren't going to have any dinner, Why don't you play something for us? Yes. It may help us forget our hunger. Well, your policy in the house Is exceeding beyond all bounds... Do you know what I'm playing? Don Giovanni. Do you often go to the opera? No, I don't like opera. Strange that I should have gone that night. I don't know why I did, Unless it was to meet you. Do you believe in fate? No. Haven't you ever felt that There might be someone, somewhere, Who, if you could only find them, Was the person that you were always meant to meet? Haven't you ever felt that? No. I've wished sometimes I did believe There could be such a person. Mr. Parnell, there's something I must tell you. Yes? I didn't want to invite you here tonight. And, really, I hoped you wouldn't come. But I did. I'm sorry you're disappointed. Oh, under different circumstances, Nothing would have given me greater pleasure. But as it is... As it is? You see... How can I tell you? Well... It's Willie's wish to have you here tonight. You must understand what an acquaintance with you Will mean to my husband politically. He urged me to go and see you And invite you, and I did. He hoped you wouldn't refuse an invitation presented that way. And I didn't. Why do you bother to tell me that? I want to be honest with you. I have to be. Dinner is served. Mr. Parnell's secretary wants to speak to him. Do tell me, Mr. Parnell, What is a shillelagh? It's a sweetmeat, Clara. Oh, don't tease, Willie. It's one of those things The colleens wear over their head, isn't it? It's your secretary. He says it's urgent. Oh. Will you excuse me? Of course. I'm so sorry to disturb you, sir. What is it? This. It's an advance proof for tomorrow. Where did you get this? Driscoll got it just as they were going to press. It'll be in the morning edition. Wait in the carriage. I'll drive back with you. Yes, sir. We met at dawn and at the first thrust, I ran him through. Oh, how messy. Mrs. O'shea. I'll have to ask you to excuse me. I must return to London. But now? Without dinner? I'm afraid so. Oh, but look here, sir, you can't. Willie, I'm sure Mr. Parnell wouldn't do this If it were not imperative. Thank you. I'm sorry, O'shea. I hope you'll ask me again. We will, then. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. How disappointing, isn't it? Clara... excuse me. It's all so mysterious, isn't it? Thank you. I'm sorry. That doesn't matter. Something's wrong. Yes. Very wrong. I'm afraid so. I want to ask a favor. Of course. What is it? Tomorrow morning, you'll read something in the paper. I want to ask you not to believe it. Something about you? Yes. Aren't you used to that? This is different. It isn't the ordinary abuse. It accuses me of - Well, I can't tell you now. But I do ask you to believe in me, not in the paper, For a little while. That's important to me. That I believe? I doubt if anyone else will. Will you promise me? Of course. Thank you. Good night. Well, this is what took Mr. Parnell up to London so suddenly last night. What is it? He's implicated in the phoenix park murders. It's not true. Well, they have letters written by him Condoning the murders and urging further violence. What does it say, Willie? "6 years ago, lord Frederick Cavendish, "The new chief secretary for Ireland, "And Mr. Burke, the undersecretary, "Went to Ireland in all good faith "And with a desire to conciliate, "Only to be set upon by assassins "And brutally murdered in broad daylight in Dublin's phoenix park. "Today, the ghost of that terrible event "Rises to involve the present leader of the Irish party, Mr. Charles Stewart Parnell." What do these letters reveal? They reveal the fact that these murders, Which have shocked not only England But the whole of the civilized globe, Were not the work of cowardly assassins, But were the result of a cold-Blooded, Diabolical conspiracy and plot Conceived, hatched, and directed by one man, The man whom Ireland calls her leader. The man who, on the floor of this house, In sanctimonious horror, Has protested against violence and outrage, And with tears in his voice Begged pity for his innocent countrymen. The man whose name now stands at The foot of his own letters, Which accuse him of this treachery and bloodshed. Mr. Charles Stewart Parnell! Mr. Parnell. Mr. Speaker, sir. The charges of the honorable member are false. The letters upon which he bases those charges are forged, As my signature appended to them is forged. I do not ask you to take my word for that, however. What I do ask, what I demand as a member of this house unjustly accused, Is to be cleared by this house. Hear, hear. I ask that a select committee of this house be appointed to investigate Not the charges implied by these letters, But the real authorship of the letters themselves. And suppose it's proved against you. Suppose you are the author after all. I am not the author. But if I should be proved so, I say prove so. Then I am no better than the murderers themselves. I should deserve their fate and be prepared to meet it. The gallows should again be raised for me. Bravo! Bravo! Mr. Gladstone. Mr. Speaker, sir. The government is not prepared to Grant the honorable member's request For the appointment of a select committee of members of this house. What the government will do, however, If the honorable member wishes, Is to appoint a special commission of inquiry with 3 judges. To investigate - To investigate the charges made by the newspaper And also all the political activities Of the honorable member for cork And those of his fellow members Whose names are mentioned in the newspaper articles in question. I will accept it. Why did you accept their offer? What else was there to do? These charges can't be left. But you asked for an investigation of who wrote the letters. Instead, they're putting you on trial like a man accused. I am a man accused. And us. All of the party as well. As if we were common criminals. Are you afraid? Yes, I am afraid. Aren't you? No. Not at all. My conscience is clear. And this commission is going to probe to the bottom, Make no mistake about that. I shall see that it does. If there remains one shred of doubt Regarding our complicity in these murders, It's the end of the Irish body, the end of home rule, And the end of Ireland. This has just come, sir. Anything wrong, sir? Yes. They're rising again in Ireland. This thing has had a bad effect already. Well, I have to go. What time is it? Nearly 7:00, sir. I'll just have time to catch the boat train. Get me a cab. Not a word of this to anyone. No, sir. Mrs. O'shea. I had to come. I had to know what happened. What does it mean? I didn't understand. Let's go in here where we can talk. Why wouldn't they give you what you asked for, An investigation by parliament? They prefer to bring this before judges Who have the power to sentence us If we should be found guilty. But that's branding you almost as a criminal already. To be accused is not to be convicted. Is this all a plot to destroy you? It's outrageous. Deliberately to lie, to fabricate charges. You do know they're false. Of course I know. Because I told you. If only others could be convinced as easily. Excuse me, sir. There isn't a cab to be had. The fog's so thick, sir, They're all off the streets. I'm afraid you'll never get to The station tonight, sir. But surely there must be- My carriage is outside, or should be. Can I drive you there? Would you? I'd be glad to. Campbell. Huh? You take care of everything here, And then join me in Dublin on Saturday. Oh, very good, sir. Good night, now. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night, Mr. Parnell, sir. Good night? Looks like a pretty bad night to me. That's right, sir. A regular pea soup London particular. Can't see your hand before your face out there, sir. Where's your carriage? That's just what I was wondering. I don't see it anywhere. You couldn't see it in this fog if it were 3 feet away from us. Frederick. Frederick! How funny my voice sounds. Frederick. I wonder if he could be further down the street. I'll go and see. Will you wait here or go inside? No, I'll come with you. You haven't much time. I'm sorry it's such a dreadful night. Why? It's not your fault, is it? Ha ha. Frederick. Frederick. He isn't here. There'll probably be a cab at Charing cross, If there's one anywhere. Do you think we could walk there? We might try. Which way is it? It's to the right. No, that's across the river. No, no. The river's this side of us. No, where are we now? Whitehall's that way. No, that's Tothill street. No, wait a minute. Where's the house of commons? Gone. I wish it had. Do you? It's there behind us, isn't it? No, no, we've been walking to the left. It's over there- I think. We're lost. Yes, I believe we are. Not 10 steps from what is practically your own front door. Do you think if we shouted? Shouted what? I don't know, just shouted. What does one shout? "Help! Lost! Mr. Parnell is lost!" Something like that. Well, that depends on who heard you. If it were the conservatives, they'd leave me here. What are you going to do? I don't know, But I don't imagine I'm going to get to Ireland. Oh, but you must. It's important, isn't it? I thought it was, a quarter of an hour ago. Please don't worry about me. I'm enjoying this. It's funny... But I am, too. What's that? What? That red glow over there. It's a man with a hot potato barrel. Baked potatoes, governor? All piping hot. A penny each. Keep your hands warm if you don't want to eat them. But I want to eat them. You do? Oh, I'm so glad. So do I. I'm hungry. Quite right, lady. There's nothing like a hot tater On a foggy night like this. A bit of salt, lady? Please. 2, governor? Yes, thanks. By the way, have you any idea where we are? Well, governor, That was the Vauxhall bridge road over there Last time I saw it. 'Course, that was several hours ago. Where was you wanting' to get to, if I might make so bold? Charing cross or Euston. We don't care, do we? Oh, I see. Just walking. Well, it's a fine night for a walk, For them whose likes it. I like to be getting back to my missus and a bit of steak. But when you're courting, I suppose it's You and me together, love, and never mind the weather, love. Good night, sir. Good night, lady. Good night. Dear, I wish he hadn't mentioned steak. We'll find some. Where? Oh, knock on a friendly door and say, "The lady wants some steak." Yes, but a puzzle finding the friendly door. You know, this is too absurd. What is? Charles Stewart Parnell, The uncrowned king of Ireland, And Katie O'shea of Eltham, Walking around eating hot potatoes. I know now, it's what I've always wanted to do- Eat hot potatoes with you. It's strange, here in the fog. Lost, out of the world, It's as if there weren't any world, As if they'd taken it away. I wish they had. Just cleared it all away like a stage set... Or moved it somewhere else, Where it could go on without us. I wish we could go on walking in the fog like this Until we walked right out of it And left it all behind forever. Katie... You know, I've never called you that before. I know. Katie, you know that I'm in love with you. You know that, don't you? You mustn't be. I am. I have been, from the moment I saw you. Oh, my darling. This is madness. No. It's how I've always thought of us. Alone. You and I, right out of the world. But we can't be. The world's still there behind the fog, Waiting for us. Oh, but Katie. Listen. What? Is that a cab? You would hear that. Hi, cabby. Hi, cabby. Whoa, Archibald. Are you a cab? I ain't quite sure, lady, But I think I am. Supposing you are as reason see. Do you think you could drive us to Euston station? I'll try, sir. I don't promise where we'll get to, But I'll try. Come on, Archibald. Come on. How long will you be in Ireland? Only until Tuesday. I shall be back just in time To change and come to Eltham. To Eltham? Yes, for that dinner I missed last night, If you'll repeat it. No. No? We can't go on with this. Why not? Where can it lead? To happiness. This evening has been something That I shall never forget. Yes. But it mustn't happen again. You mean I'm not to see you anymore? You can't. It's all so impossible. This evening has been something I shall never forget, either, But we mustn't see each other again. Whoa. We're here. You must go. Not unless you promise to See me once again, at least. Let me come on Tuesday. Let me talk to you. If you still think that we shouldn't meet again, You can tell me. But let me come on Tuesday. I shouldn't. But you will. Thank you. There it is before you in black and white! Parnell stands accused! I tell you, Parnell has failed! They'll throw him in an English prison till he rots, And what good will that do Ireland? The time has come to throw aside This policy of argument and waiting! And what are we going to do now? I tell you what we're going to do. On a windy night, 500 fires lighted by 500 loyal Irishmen, In the city of London, And English tyranny will be broken! Quiet! Quiet! And what do you think The English constabulary would be doing, Taking a holiday to watch the bonfires? No. Destroy London, will you? Send thousands of innocent women and children To a horrible death. What better way could you choose to show that You're unfitted to govern yourselves? Wasn't the bloodshed at phoenix park Enough of a disgrace? I've promised you a parliament. You'll get it. But not if you heed the babblings of a crackpot like this fellow. All he'll get you is the soldier here to wipe you out, And you'll deserve it. Please. Please. Why is it that the minute 2 Irishmen meet, they will start fighting? Go to your homes now, And don't let me hear of any fires Until the bonfires are lighted to celebrate home rule. The 3 goes on the 4. I'm aware of that. The 8 goes on the 9. Ow! The knave goes on the queen, And the 6 goes up. Clara! Do you mind not interfering? I know I'm decrepit, but I can play patience by myself. I'm sorry. You look very grand, Katie, For an informal dinner of 3 women and one man. I think she looks very nice. What's the betting on who's turning up tonight? No betting. He'll turn up. What makes you so sure? I just think he will. Um, Clara, my dear. Would you mind fetching me my black lace shawl? It's in the wardrobe in my room. Of course, aunt Ben. Well? Well? If you'd like me to, I'll have what Clara calls "twinge" after dinner, And get her to put me to bed. Why should I do that? Katie, you don't have to pretend with me. I have eyes in my head. Old as they may be, they were good enough To see how yours were shining when you came back from Seeing him off to London the other night. Was it as obvious as all that? Oh, I don't think to anyone else. There's no one else fond enough to watch as closely as I do. Katie, where is this going to lead you? I don't know. Well, hadn't you better think? I told him we shouldn't meet again. And yet he's coming tonight? He wanted to talk to me. Then I suppose I'd better have my twinge. Oh, no, don't leave me with him. All this week I've struggled with myself To know what I should do. I do know. There's only danger and disaster Ahead for us if we go on. I know that. I can tell myself that. I can tell you. But I know, too, that if I try and tell him- My dear, you've got to tell him sooner or later. I know, but I'm weak enough and woman enough To want it to be later, that's all. Come on up, Campbell, and I'll give you those letters. Thank you, sir. What's the hurry, sir? I'm dining out. You ready? My dear lord harry. Oh, one moment, please. I haven't got my book yet. Come on, come on. Hurry up and get it. All right, sir. Clear a chair there for yourself. You know, you - You shouldn't live like this, you know, sir. Why don't you get someone to look after you? Hmm? What's the matter with the way I live? Well, it's not for me to say, sir. Oh, Campbell, you have funny ideas. My dear lord harry. Yes, sir. Regarding the special commission of inquiry On the phoenix park murders, I have now returned from Ireland And I should like to consult with you- Campbell... Help me with this, will you? I can't. Certainly. Why don't you go to bed and rest? You know, no dinner in the world Is worth risking your health for. This one is. What is it? It's nothing... just that confounded heart of mine. Telegram for Mrs. O'shea. Thank you. What is it? A telegram for you, ma'am. He's ill, in London. This is from his secretary. Ill? Aunt Ben, I'm going to him. My dear, you can't Go flying up to London now, like this. I know it's madness. I know what it means. Convention. Everything. But he's ill. I must go to him. So you've decided. Here's your shawl, auntie dear. I had to hunt and hunt. It wasn't in the wardrobe at all. Wasn't it, dear? No. Hmm. Where is Katie going in such a hurry? Oh, she's been called to town. To town? But Mr. Parnell's coming. No, he's not. There was a message. It's not on his account she's gone to town? I don't know, Clara. Well, didn't you ask her? I'm not as inquisitive as you are About things that don't concern me. I'm going on with my patience, And if it'll stop you talking, you can help me. Mrs. O'shea. How is he? The doctor's with him now. I sent for him. Mrs. O'shea, Mr. Parnell didn't know That I wired you as I did. He told me to say that he was delayed. What I hoped you'd do would be to wire back To say that he shouldn't have come, Just so that I could keep him here to rest. He needs it badly. I never dreamt you'd come yourself. I had to. How is he, doctor? It's not dangerous, is it? Oh, no, no. It's not dangerous. Nervous exhaustion with a heart that's not too good. He needs rest. He should go to a nursing home for several weeks. Oh, he'd never do that. Well, he shouldn't live here all alone In a place like this. Is there nowhere he could go Where he'd be taken care of? There's my house. It's in the country. He'd be taken care of there. My aunt and I. There are servants. That's what he needs. He won't do it for himself. I leave you to persuade him, madam. Thank you, madam. Good night. Shall I tell him you're here? Please. Oh, Mr. Campbell. Will you pack his things, please? Is he gone? Yes, sir. Then get me a cab. I'm going to Eltham. Katie. How are you feeling? I'm all right. I was coming down to you. I know. You are coming down to me, To be looked after. Katie, What does this mean, your coming here? I couldn't know that you were ill And not be with you. And you said we mustn't meet again. I know. I thought that then. But now I know that all that matters Is that you must be well and taken care of. Aunt Ben? Aunt Ben, are you asleep? Probably. It's Katie. Can I speak to you? What is it? Why did you lock your door? Oh, Clara-She would come in and talk. Anything the matter? Auntie, I brought him back with me. Him? Who? Mr. Parnell. Here, at this time of night? He's going to stay here. Katie, have you gone mad? I don't know. I - I think I must have. Well, I think so, too. But, aunt Ben, he was ill. He lives in rooms- Such messy rooms, With no one to look after him. I brought him here. I had to. Oh, well, I don't know what to say. Still, if you brought him, Can't very well turn him out. Hadn't you better get a room ready for him? Yes. Yes. I'll call Ellen. What-What did you do with him? He's in the hall. In the hall? Why not the back door? Really, Katie. I know. I know. Auntie, I don't think I know what's happening to me anymore. Good evening, Mr. Parnell. Good evening, Mrs. Wood. You will excuse me for not coming down to greet you. My costume. Quite. I see you have Erasmus to keep you company. Erasmus? Oh, oh, yes, yes, the cat. Well, I'll say good night. I'll see you in the morning. Good night. Auntie? What is it, auntie? What's going on? Oh, you would wake up. But there's such a noise, auntie. What is it? Nothing for little girls. You'll find out in the morning. Oh, don't be annoying, auntie. I'm going back to bed, Clara. Auntie! Go to bed, Clara. Auntie! I must sleep. I'm so sorry. Well! Erasmus, we seem to be causing a sensation. How did you get there? Down the back stairs. Your rooms will be ready in a minute. I'm afraid I'm giving you a lot of trouble. No. It's quite all right. What did your aunt say? Well... was she scandalized? Yes. Just a little. Did you tell her that you were going to marry me? What? Well, aren't you? How can I? You're not living with O'shea. All London knows that. He'll give you a divorce. Don't you think I've begged for that? I'll go to him. No. Why not? No. You mustn't. It would do no good. I'll talk to him again, but not just yet. Later, when these charges hanging over us have been cleared up. Did you say "over us?" Yes, I did. It is us now, But we must wait a little while. Very well. If you say so, I can wait. I've waited all my life for you. I can wait a little longer. Clara, I've told you before- I wish you wouldn't try to talk to me during the service. Well, every other time I've tried to talk to you, you put me off. Very well. What do you want to talk about? You know what I want to talk about. Mr. Parnell. I think it's a scandal. 4 months now he's been living in the house. Well... "Well?" Is that all you have to say-"Well?" Yes, Clara, that's all I have to say-"Well." Well, it isn't all I have to say. I can't think what Willie's doing to allow it. Can't you? He's waiting to see which way the cat jumps. If the judge's finding should not be favorable to Mr. Parnell, Willie will be as outraged as you are. If he should be vindicated, Willie will be the first to boast of having sheltered Parnell When he was a sick man with the world against him. Very convenient situation for Willie. To connive at his own wife's carryings on. Carryings on? You talk like the old maid that you're undoubtedly going to be. Why shouldn't Katie have a guest in the house? I am old enough to be a respectable chaperone, goodness knows, And alarming enough, as you'll find out If you don't keep that silly gossiping tongue of yours still. Well, I don't care. That will do. Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir. Is Mrs. O'shea at home? Yes, sir. She's in the library. And, uh, Mr. Parnell? He's in the garden getting some sun. Hello, Katie. Good afternoon, Willie. Well, you asked me to come down. What's up? I want to talk to you seriously. Willie, I- Later. How are you, Mr. Parnell? Very well. Thank you. You're looking well. I hope you're not worried about the trial. I hear it's not going as well as it might. Have you been there? No. I thought you had enough support with that battery of lawyers And all the members of the party, So I've been spending my time among the English conservatives Doing missionary work, you might say. Made quite a few converts, I think. I'm sure. If you please, ma'am, sir Charles Russell Is calling on Mr. Parnell. He was on the train with me. I didn't know he was coming here. Would you excuse me? Surely. His counsel coming down here on a Sunday? That doesn't look very promising. You've no doubt as to the outcome? Mr. Parnell is certain he'll be vindicated. A lot of Irishmen who've been riding high Will be down in the dirt if he isn't. Willie? Yes? You're firmly established in politics now. You don't need my help. There's nothing more you can possibly need me for. I will always need you, Kate. That's beside the point. What are you trying to say? Let me divorce you. Now, Katie? Yes. With Parnell's position so precarious, The English solidly against him, And the Irish troubled and suspicious, Do you think this is a time to talk of divorce? For Parnell's sake, I mean? Is it only Mr. Parnell you're considering? Well, I admit I'm considering Willie O'shea's welfare a bit. I wouldn't be human if I didn't, But it's you, too, Kate. I couldn't bear to have a whisper of scandal out against you. What do you mean? Well, Parnell's been living here for months. You know how people talk. No, Katie. Let's see what happens at the trial. Then if the future turns out to be what we all hope it will be, Then of course you'll have your divorce. Sorry I have to go now. Sad to leave the country on such a lovely summer's afternoon, But duties in town, cause of old Ireland, you know. Say good-Bye to Mr. Parnell for me. You were saying, sir Charles? I was saying if there were anything- The slightest proof of this forgery, we could hope. But when our own handwriting expert, who is shaky as they are- How can they be shaky? I'll stake my life that I never made an "s" like that Or misspelled "hesitancy." E - N-C-Y. You know that. I know it. Can we prove it to the 3 judges? If we don't... I'm declared a murderer. It's fantastic. The paper's calling its last 2 witnesses tomorrow. Unless we can shake them, definitely implicate them, I'm afraid- I know. You understand why I'm talking to you like this? I felt that I had to make things plain. You have made things plain. The situation is desperate. I won't keep you any longer. You have Mr. Davitt waiting for you. Thanks for the warning, sir Charles. I'll see you in the morning. When these letters were published by your newspaper, Was there any shadow of doubt in your mind That they were written by Mr. Parnell? No, sir Richard. None. Did you make any attempt to test their authenticity? Yes. What attempt? I submitted them to Mr. Ingalls, A handwriting expert. And his report to you was? That they were without question in Mr. Parnell's handwriting. Yes. Where did you procure the letters? I received them from Mr. Henderson, The secretary of the Irish loyal and patriotic union. And what was your motive And the motive of your paper in publishing them? We considered it a public duty. Thank you. That's all. The Irish loyal and patriotic union... From which you obtain these letters Is an organization opposed to Mr. Parnell. Is that right? Substantially, yes. Its objects are to destroy the Irish party, Of which Mr. Parnell is the leader. Is that right? To a large extent, yes. So you would be very pleased to be provided With any evidence against Mr. Parnell. You would have been eager to believe these letters. I wouldn't say that. Did you ask Mr. Henderson where he got these letters? Uh, no, I don't believe I did. Why didn't you? Because I trusted Mr. Henderson implicitly. Had you known him previously? Slightly. How slightly? Well, uh, I met him once. You've met him once, But you trusted him implicitly. Yes. You know now that he obtained these letters From Mr. Richard Pigott, a Dublin journalist. Do you know Mr. Pigott? I know of him. Is your knowledge of Mr. Pigott Favorable to Mr. Pigott? Must I answer that question, milord? I, uh-I think so. I'll repeat it for you. Was your knowledge of Mr. Pigott Favorable to Mr. Pigott? Not altogether. Thank you. That's all. Mr. Richard Pigott. The evidence I shall give to the court touching the matters in question Shall be the truth, the whole truth, And nothing but the truth, so help me god. The evidence I shall give to the court touching the matters in question Shall be the truth, the whole truth, And nothing but the truth, so help me god. Your name is Richard Pigott? That's right. Your age? Oh, I've seen 4 and 50 summers come and go. You mean you are 54? That's what I mean, milord. Why can't you say so? I beg your lordship's pardon. I'm 54. Your occupation? I'm a scribe. I beg your pardon. A scribe. A scribbler. A pusher of the pen, in modern slang. An inkslinger. An inhabitant of grub street. I'm sorry, lady. You can't go in there. The court's full. I want to see Mr. Parnell. I'm afraid you can't, lady. You can go up in the public gallery If there's any room left there. But I want to speak to him. I must speak to him. Please let me go in. It's terribly urgent. I'm sorry, lady. I have my orders. The court's full. Can't you ask him to come out for just a moment? It's a matter of life and death. Well, I'll see what I can do. Who was it you said you wanted? Mr. Parnell. Right, ma'am. Thank you. Katie, what are you doing here? This. What is it? Read it. "Honored sir, I have some hesitancy in approaching you again" Hesitancy... Katie, where did you get this? I found it among your unopened letters. Mr. Pigott, You admit that you were engaged by the union For the express purpose of finding evidence against Mr. Parnell? I do. And you found these letters? I did. Did you get any commission for finding them? Certainly. A laborer is worthy of his hire. Have you finished your cross-Examination, sir Charles? Just a moment, please. I crave your lordship's indulgence For a moment's conversation with my client. All this seems very pointless. Yes, just a moment, And I hope to be able to demonstrate the point to you. Would you like to sit down, Mr. Pigott? I think not, thank you. Mr. Pigott, supposing you wanted to forge a document, How would you set about it? Milord, I suggest that's not a proper question to put to the witness. I should be interested to hear the witness' answer. As your lordship pleases. Well, Mr. Pigott? I don't know. It is a realm of speculation into which I have never entered. You never have forged a document? I have not. But if you did want to, You think it would be any help to have A genuine letter in front of you? Oh, yeah. It might be of some assistance. Yes. Have you ever had a genuine letter Of Mr. Parnell's in your possession? I had. I had the letters which the newspapers printed. I said a genuine letter, Mr. Pigott. I believe those letters to be genuine. Well, that is the difference between us. However, we shall see. Mr. Parnell ever write to you? He has not. Or you to him? Nor I to him. Are you sure? I am quite sure. Mr. Pigott, I put it to you that you wrote to Mr. Parnell More than once in an effort to obtain A specimen of his handwriting for you to copy. I never wrote to Mr. Parnell. Very well. Will you take a look at that letter, Mr. Pigott? May I see that? One moment. I'm putting it in evidence. You recognize that letter, Mr. Pigott? I think I've seen it before. It is in your writing? I believe it is. Believe? Come, Mr. Pigott, don't you know? Is it in your handwriting? Yes or no? It appears to be. I said yes or no! Well, then, yes! Good! Well, that is one document that we both regard as genuine. Read it carefully, Pigott. You see anything wrong with it? How wrong with it? Well, in the matter of spelling, Punctuation, literary style. As a scribe, you know something of literary style, I imagine. I don't see anything wrong with it. Read it carefully. No, there isn't anything wrong with it. You sure? Quite sure. Good. Now, Mr. Pigott, Would you mind spelling out A few words for me? I've never been very good at spelling, sir Charles. But you are good at writing. Is that it? Usher, give Mr. Pigott some paper, pen, and ink. Milord, I protest. I see no point in this procedure. Evidently, sir Charles does. Proceed. Thank you, milord. Are you ready, Mr. Pigott? Take your time. "Livelihood." "Likelihood." "Parnell." "Hesitancy." Thank you. Let me have that, please. No, no, don't blot it. Can we have that photographed? Would you mind not interrupting my cross-Examination? Milord, I would like to point out A somewhat remarkable coincidence. In the newspaper letter which is attributed to Mr. Parnell And which is the basis of this investigation, The word "hesitancy" is misspelled e-N-C-Y. Now, the letter which Mr. Pigott has just acknowledged to be his Begins as follows. "Honored sir, I have some hesitancy in again appealing to you" And so on and so on, And the word "hesitancy" Is misspelled in precisely the same way. Again, in this list of words which he has just finished, The word "hesitancy" is misspelled In the same way for the third time. We've got him! Quiet! Quiet in the court! Milord, when I opened the case, I said that I represented the accused, Meaning Mr. Parnell, But since the appearance of this letter, I say that the tables have turned And that I appear for the accusers, And the accused stands trembling there! Yes! True! Silence! Is anything the matter, Mr. Pigott? I'm not feeling very well, milord. It's the heat, I think. If your lordship will excuse me, I'd like to be allowed to retire for a moment. All right. The usher will take you outside for 5 minutes. It occurs to me, sir Richard, that you might possibly like A word with your witness while he's outside. You might like to give him the benefit of your advice And your legal experience. Pigott committed suicide! There you are, boy. Mr. Gladstone. Mr. Speaker, sir... I feel sure I may be permitted to express the sense of this house In welcoming back the honorable member for cork After his vindication. 3 cheers for Mr. Parnell! Hip, hip- Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! ¶ "god save Ireland," said the heroes ¶ ¶ "god save Ireland," say we all ¶ ¶ whether on the scaffold high ¶ ¶ or on the battlefield we die ¶ ¶ oh, what matters if for Ireland dear we fall? ¶ ¶ "god save Ireland," said the heroes ¶ ¶ "god save Ireland," say we all... ¶ Charles, it was wonderful. I was there in the house. I heard them cheer you. What did it feel like? What were you thinking of as you stood there? Nothing... Except how strange it was that none of it would have happened If you hadn't stayed at home to tidy my desk. Oh, on such things hang the destinies of great men. Was that really all you were thinking about? No, not really. There was something else. Something that happened before I went into the house. Not more trouble? Oh, no. The reverse. Could you stand another triumph? I'm not sure. Oh, well, perhaps I'd better keep it. Oh, darling, what is it? What is it? Charles, don't be unkind! What is it? Well, it's this. I talked to Mr. Gladstone. He congratulated me and told me he has agreed To all my terms for the home rule bill. He'll introduce it. Charles! It can only be a matter of weeks now. He's arranging a reception to announce it. You and aunt Ben are to be asked. Me? Does he know I exist? Oh, yes. I told him all about you. The little woman who means everything to me. What? Oh. Ha ha! I believed you for a moment. Well, I wish I had the right to say that. When's the reception? In 3 weeks' time. Will you give me 5 minutes to tell them out there What I just told you? Then we'll go. Gentlemen, gentlemen, silence, please! Mr. Parnell. Fellow members, Once again the Irish party has emerged victorious Against slander and intrigue. But it is not of that victory I would speak now, But of a still greater glory to come. I talked to Mr. Gladstone this afternoon. He has given me his promise to introduce and support The home rule bill for Ireland. Home rule is here! Let's hear from Mr. O'brien! Wait awhile. Wait awhile till we hear from Mr. O'brien. Right. Right. Take it easy, sir. Mr. Parnell, sir, Charlie, As the oldest member Of the Irish party, One whose father fought with Robert Emmett, And who himself is a mere gossoon, Who was with O'Connor And served a term in prison, Aye- And even been sentenced to death In the service of Ireland, All my life I've dreamed And waited for this day. It's been long coming, Almost too long for me. For 80 years I carried in my heart One phrase... More haunting than any melody in the harp of Ireland ever played- The phrase... Home rule for Ireland. And you got it for us, Charles. And I say an old man nearly past his time... Lord... Now, Lettest thou Thy servant depart in peace. For mine eyes Have seen the glory... Take me down, boys. I can't go on. God bless you, Charlie. In the name of Ireland And all we dreamed and fought for, Let god bless you For this day. Good evening, Ellen. Good evening, Ellen. The conquering hero comes. So they've decided you're an honest man at last. Yes. How did you find out? Willie is here. Willie? Yes. He's been here about an hour. He wants to see Charles. What about? I don't know. I left Clara to talk to him. They're in there. I'll go and see him. You send Clara out to me? Hello, clara. Hello. Hello, Parnell. Hello, O'shea. Hello, Katie. Hello, Willie. Clara, aunt Ben wants you. Oh, excuse me. Well, congratulations. That was a great triumph for you today. You're a bigger power than ever now. Thank you. You wanted to see me. What about? About myself. Isn't it time that something happened to me? Happened to you? Yes. I should be something better Than a mere member of parliament now. After all, I am pretty close to you. You've been our guest here now for months. Everybody knows that. Don't I deserve a little recognition? What kind of recognition? Some more important position. Such as? Well, your own parliament in Ireland is assured now. What about a seat in your cabinet? What? Willie! Well, don't I deserve it? No. I don't think so. Why do you? My importance to the party. Your importance to the party. Why, man, you've none. I should be betraying them in everything that I believe in. That means no? I'm afraid so. That's the thanks I get. For what? Befriending you when all the world was against you. Letting you stay here. Willie, Mr. Parnell has been my guest. That's a dangerous admission, Katie. O'shea! Once again, what do I get? Nothing until you prove your worth to Ireland. I see. I think you're making a mistake. I thought we could be friends. If we can't, well, There are others who don't think me as unimportant as you do. The Irish aren't the only party. Katie, I've never seen you look so lovely. Thank you. I'm so excited about tonight. Your victory- Your hard-Earned victory- And the best part of it is that you'll be there to see it. Well, aunt Ben! Do you like it? Is it new? Oh, the man's actually noticed! It's in your honor. You look ravishing. Thank you. I rather thought so myself. I swore when I was 70 I'd never attend another political party. I'm breaking my vow for you, Charles. Will you see who it is, Ellen? Yes. Does miss Kathleen O'shea live here? Yes. I'd like to see her. She's just going out. I shan't keep her a minute. But I don't think- What is it? Who are you? What do you want? I want to see Mrs. O'shea. Are you her? Yes. I got a paper for you. I'm sorry. You're Mr. Parnell, aren't you? Yes. There's one for you, too. I'm sorry. All right. You've served them. Get along. Yes, sir. Good night. Good night. Charles. What is it? It's Willie. He's suing for divorce. Divorce? And naming Charles as corespondent. Well, he's chosen a good moment for it, hasn't he? What are you going to do? Now? Nothing. Go to the reception. It's the only thing we can do. Let Gladstone make his announcement on home rule. Katie, please, Say something. You've sat like that all the way. I'm sorry. There isn't anything to say... Except to be thankful that he's timed it too late To damage you tonight. I wonder. What do you mean? Read all about the political scandal! What are those newsboys shouting? Captain O'shea names Charles Stewart Parnell In famous divorce case! Special edition! Read all about the famous divorce case! Yes, boss? Drive to the house of commons. Yes, sir. Are you sure that you and aunt Ben will be all right? Of course. You don't mind driving home alone? Drive back to Eltham. Irish leader in divorce! Extra! Extra! Read all about Katie O'shea! Katie, Katie... My dear Mr. Gladstone, In view of the announcement concerning myself Which appears in tonight's paper, I am aware that my presence at your reception Might be an embarrassment to you. It seems to me imperative, however, That I should see you privately To discuss the situation with you tonight. The bearer of this note Will bring your reply to me at the house of commons, Where I shall be waiting in readiness to comply With any arrangement you may... You've been a long time. I'm sorry, sir. I was waiting. Well? He sent a message that there was no reply. What are you going to do? Go home. Shall I make an appointment with your lawyers in the morning? What for? To arrange about your defense of the divorce. There will be no defense. But, sir, you don't realize what it will mean. I heard them in there just now. The whole of Ireland and England, too, Is waiting for your answer. Oh, forgive me, sir, but you must defend it. No, Campbell. My private life is my own. I've given Ireland everything, My whole life until now. They can't deny me the right of every man To have the woman he loves beside him. That's what this means. There will be no defense. Katie. Katie, Katie. Charles, I want to talk to you. Come, let's sit down. What I have to say isn't easy, So I want you to listen And listen quietly until I finish. All right, dear. We can't stand by and do nothing While Willie ruins your life out of spite. Charles, I'm going to defend this suit. Katie. You've got to be cleared at all costs, Even at the cost of my denying my love for you. My darling, you don't realize what you're saying. There will be no defense. I shall not even employ counsel. But I shall. I shall have the best counsel in London. This is my defense: Willie and I conspired to make you fall in love with me. The whole thing was a plot from the beginning against you. That is the story I'm going to tell. Only to make it convincing, You must go away from here- From me... Forever. Katie, this is fantastic. It will prevent there being a divorce. And you'll be tied to O'shea for the rest of your life. I have been for years. It will be no worse. Won't it? Can you imagine the length he'll go to When the world knows him for what he is? Have you thought of the misery He'll put on you for your part in it? Willie coming to me for favors is one thing, But Willie publicly branded malignant is another. Do you think I'll leave you to him? Katie, isn't this what we've always wanted? Freedom for you- For us to marry? Not like this. Perhaps not, But if you wanted something as we wanted to be free, You don't question how it comes, You take it when it comes. Charles, I'm afraid. Notwithstanding the splendid services Rendered by Mr. Parnell to his country, His continuance at the present moment in the leadership Would be productive of consequences disastrous in the highest degree To the cause of Ireland. What does it mean? It means that Mr. Gladstone Demands Parnell's resignation. Since when has Parnell done What Mr. Gladstone told him? He'll not resign on Mr. Gladstone's say so. But he will on ours! Will you give at him? You don't dare. I'd like to see the man That will stand up to Parnell and say, "Get out, we're through with you." It's what we're here to say this night. It's what we're going to say. It's not. Not while I've got two fists to stop you. Here, here, here. He promised us home rule right here in this room. Where is it now? The dream that it's always been, Still mocking us. And who lost it for us? Gladstone. No, Parnell. Gladstone will give it to us still, But not with Parnell as our leader. Would you trust your country To a man with whom you wouldn't trust your wife? This is a political war we're fighting. What would you think of a soldier who would stop in the middle of a battle To inquire of the general if he had broken one of the ten commandments? A soldier's private life doesn't affect his fighting. A political leader's does. He has no private life. He's not the first man To be lead astray by a woman, Nor the last. Why didn't he defend the divorce? Tell me that. Because he couldn't! That's a lie. Well, I say Mr. Gladstone's absolutely right. When Parnell failed to defend, They say people started sending telegraphs from all over England Telling Gladstone that Parnell must go. I've never set up to be a particularly moral man or anything like that, But when it comes to stealing another man's wife, Well, that's where I draw the line. He ought to be hounded out of the country. You haven't seen him since the divorce, have you? No. Why? He looks ill, Mr. Davitt, Very ill. Yes? Mr. Davitt. Mr. Davitt, could I speak to you for a moment? I don't think you and I have anything To say to each other, Mrs. O'shea. It's about Mr. Parnell. Least of all about him. What's going to happen to him? The party will stand by him, won't they? Mr. Gladstone can't make him resign if they stand by him. They still believe in him, don't they? Don't they? Listen. He will go down in history- The history of Ireland, As the man who sold his country for a lighter love. He has sold us, Sold our birthright for a woman. I tell you, Gladstone is right. Parnell must go. What is there in men that makes them unable To forgive their own weaknesses in others? It's not that. They made a god of him. And he's proved himself a man like them, That's all. Can you, too, not forgive him? He was a god to me, too. You shouldn't have come here, Mrs. O'shea. Campbell. Sir? Katie. Charles, forgive me. I had to come. I had to see you. Come in. Charles, do you hate me terribly? Hate you? For doing this to you? Katie, you haven't done anything to me But bring me the happiest moments of my life. But this letter of Gladstone's- Means a fight, that is all, And you know I've never been afraid of that. And with you beside me I never shall be. Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Redmond and Mr. Healy have returned. Thank you, Campbell. You must go now. The party's meeting here. I'll wait from my home. It may be late. However late, please come tonight. However late, I'll come. Good-Bye. Gentlemen. Gentlemen! Mr. Parnell. Good evening, gentlemen. Good evening. Good evening. Mr. Healy, did you and Mr. Redmond succeed In getting an interview with Mr. Gladstone? We did. In that case, we are ready for discussion. In a public letter, Mr. Gladstone demands my resignation. Putting aside what right he or any other Englishman has to dictate to us, I replied to him through Mr. Healy and Mr. Redmond, Telling him that if I am no longer Acceptable as leader of the Irish party, I will resign at once... If he will give us his assurance That he will continue to support the home rule bill. Gentlemen, Mr. Healy and Mr. Redmond have just left him. I haven't talked with them. Mr. Healy, will you tell us the result of your visit? Mr. Gladstone assured us of his heartfelt desire That Ireland should have home rule. Will he support it? Did he promise it to you? He told us our first business was to choose a leader. Did he promise you home rule? He said that when we have chosen a leader he would assess the- Mr. Healy, did he promise you home rule? He did not. How could he so? How can he traffic with a party Who's leader has disgraced them and their country? When the whole world points a finger of shame At the man who is representing Ireland, What favors can we expect? Favors! Since when has Ireland asked favors? It's rights we're asking and rights we'll get. And who will get them for you? Who forced the English to consider home rule? Who is the one man among us who can force them? Is Mr. Parnell the only man who can face Gladstone? That was a fine fight you put up tonight, Tim Healy. You let him run all around you. That's about the size of it. Why is Mr. Gladstone so anxious to rid us of our leader? Because that leader is the one man Who can give orders to the house of commons, to the English. Will you sell him now to keep their favor? Then I ask you, what will you get in return? Home rule, that's what we'll get. Mr. Healy, do you really think that? Do you think that Mr. Gladstone or the liberal party Is burning with the desire to free Ireland? I should say not. I wish I could be so trustful. I can only remember the struggle we've had To get the alliance we have today. There's no alliance anymore. It perished in the stench of the divorce court. He's right! Gentlemen... This disturbance is useless. The issue must not be clouded by personal hate... Or loyalty... Nor, I beg of you, by moral scruples- Yours or Mr. Gladstone's. Ireland's welfare must be your sole consideration. If you think you can fight Mr. Gladstone without me, That is for you to decide. But don't sell me for nothing. If you surrender me, it's your bound and duty To secure value for the sacrifice. I have a parliament for Ireland In the hollow of my hand. I give you my word I'll get it for you if you let me! And if you don't meet another Katie O'shea. Gentlemen! Gentlemen! It's time to stop all this. Do you think Parnell will ever get you anything but insults? His name is a... and always will be. Will you besmirch Ireland by such a leadership? Then I'm done with you. But the people of Ireland shall know the issues in this matter, And I'll not shirk the telling. Go to the people as I shall do. They have never failed me yet, And on their answer I'll stand or fall. I take the challenge! From tonight, there's a new Irish party. Those who are with me, Those who have the honor of Ireland at heart, Who would have a new party and a new leader, Follow me! Hooray for john Healy! Come on, are you coming? Come on, you've made your decision! Mr. Parnell! Are you hurt? Help me get him to a couch. Mr. Parnell, sir. No use, eh? What do you mean? Just what I say. It's got me this time, is that it? No, no. Of course not. But you've got to take it easy. You mustn't move about. We'll make you up a bed in here somehow. Here? In the office? As bad as that. Doctor, tell me the truth. What chance have I? You've told me what I want to know. Campbell. Mr. Parnell, sir? Get me a cab. I'm going home. But sir! Mr. Parnell, I can't allow you. You mustn't- I'll take the responsibility. And, Campbell, Get a cab for yourself, too. I want you to go ahead and tell her that I'm coming. Why not let me bring her here to you? And put her through the agony of driving... And wondering? No. I'm going, Campbell. Mr. Parnell, sir, it's madness to try it. It's snowing out. The drive will take hours. You'll never get there. I'll get there. It may be the last thing I do, But I'll get there. You'd better go to bed, Katie. What time is it? Almost midnight. You go to bed, aunt Ben. I must wait up. If they're as late as this, Surely he will stay in town tonight. He'll come, However late it is. It must be good to be as sure as that of anything. It is. There he is. Good evening, Mrs. O'shea. Good evening. He isn't with you? No. He asked me to come ahead. I was-I was to tell you that- To tell me what? What's happened? Have they deserted him? It's worse than that. It's he. Mrs. O'shea, you must be prepared for very bad news. He's ill. He had a collapse. His heart. No. No, it can't be. Put your arm around my shoulder. No, no, no. Just give me your hand. I don't want to frighten her. Oh, my darling. You shouldn't have come. I had to. I'd have come across the world to be with you tonight. Charles! Charles! Aunt Ben, it isn't possible That he's just slipping away from us. You mustn't give up hope, Katie. Why don't you try to get some sleep? Sleep? No. The doctor said he'd let you know Just as soon as he wakes. Is he awake? Yes, and asking for you. I - I've helped him into a chair. You let him get out of bed? He insists upon seeing the men. Doctor, don't you think- I think we might let him do anything he wishes to now. Katie, darling. Charles. Why did you get up? Don't ask why. Come sit close to me. You must rest. I can't rest. I must see the men- Speak to them. But, darling, Must you do it now? Yes, dear, For there's very little time left. Oh, Charles. Don't say that. You're going to be well again. It's no use, Katie. It may not be today or tomorrow, But it will be very soon. Charles. Katie. Don't cry. We've had what so few ever have, A great love. We've shared so much in the little time we've had together, But you mustn't be too unhappy now. Katie. I love you. Will you believe that always? I will believe that always. Always, my darling. Good morning, Charles. Good morning, aunt Ben. The men are outside. Have them come in. Morning, Mrs.- Parnell, sir? Good morning, Mr. Parnell. I want to thank you for coming here. I had to see you once again... To urge you to forget your personal differences... And think only of Ireland. Now that I am overthrown, There will rise such a tide of fear and treachery... As Ireland has never known before. But without you, we are lost. Never say such a thing as that. What am I? What is any single man Where there is a great wrong to be righted? Find a new leader if you must... Only when you do... Deal with your leader as a man. Expect of him a man's behavior... Not that of a god. There is a trust that each of you is bound to For the rest of his life. Carry on my fight for Ireland, I charge you. See that Ireland is never defeated. Never defeated. Katie. Katie. Yes, dear? Katie, I- What are you trying to say, dear? I- Charles. Oh, my darling. - Croesus. - Yes, miss. You forgot the flowers. I'm just gonna pick them up now, miss Lois. - Croesus. - Yes, miss. Never mind the flowers. I'll get them later. No, not now. - Bob, Mr. Terry gets here. - Yes, miss. Is in, Lois? I forgot to tell you invited the young Terry to come after dinner. Yes, I know. You know? Yes, he told me. I dropped in his office when I was up to see you. Oh! So that's the reason for all this commotion. The way you're passing around, one would think you were going to try to make an impression. Why shouldn't I? Didn't you tell me he was one of the brightest young men in the Company? Besides, daddy, he's nice. Yes, of course, of course. He's a very nice young man. - You're to see Mr. Borden, ain't you? - Yeah, thanks. Well, don't you think about to go welcome him? Oh, yes, I think I should. Hello, Bob. Oh, hello. Come in the living room. Father is in there. - Hello, Bob. - How do you do, sir? - Would you sit down? - Thanks. My! It's a lovely home. - You must be very happy here. - Yes, I am. As the years go by, the old walls and things grow warmer. They seem to caress and comfort. Now I like that. He always told me it was my caresses that made him happy. There always goes poetic when he talks about the house. You'd better change the subject or you'll begin to sing about it. No, I mean really sing! You'll sing "home on the range" or "home sweet home". "Home on the range", have you ever heard me sing that? Never mind. - Will you have a cigar? - No, no, thanks very much. - Well, a cigarette. - Oh, yes. I thought it was a cue head. Oh, by the way, Bob, what was that idea you wanted to tell me about? You said it was a new sales angle. Well, it's not exactly my department, but I don't mind talking shop. Go ahead, young man. As a matter of fact young dreams are romantic to me. They remind me on my own when I was starting up. See, I bet you worked hard to make yours come true. Well, some of them did pan out. And so will yours if you work hard. Stick to it. Well, I've given this a lot of time and thought, it that'll help any. My idea, Mr. Borden is a pretty radical departure in modern home construction. I've designed a structural framework for roof, wall and floor joists made entirely of steel bars, interwoven and welded into a single unit. It's met every test for weight and stress, and it should have perfect resistance to fires, earthquakes, storms or anything. You can make the walls as thick as you like, which would add to the insulation value. And it should cost for a little additional. Oh, there's still a minor problem if fire breaks inside the walls, but Mr. O'Donnell assured me that a sheet metal brake would add very little to the cost. Oh, has O'Donnell been working with you on this? Yes, sir. He checked my figures as to costs. Why? Oh, we are letting O'Donnell go. He came to work intoxicated. But he has such a good record. Why? He's been waiting so long-- Yes, he's a very valuable man. But he broke one of the definite rules of the Company. I believe the rules are made to be kept. Do you mean you're not going to give him a second chance? According to my principles of discipline and organization, there is no second chance. The men that work for me know that. I see. Remember that, young man. Then you want me to pick them after all. I'll get them myself. No, Croesus, you're much too busy. Would you like to help me cut some flowers for the table? Oh, yes, I'd like to. If... you will excuse me. I'm afraid you'll have to, either I excuse you or not. Well, what's the matter with you, Croesus? He told he's like you, did we know, as a boy. Oh, thank you, Croesus, you mean he's a fine and intelligent young man. Yeah, that's it, very intelligent... - Say... this is swell! - Look! Well... This town is certainly growing. Your father had a lot to do with it, too. He's a great man. He thinks you're going to be a great man too. Hey, did he say that? Uh-huh, and father is usually right. I certainly hope I live up to his expectations. You will. You have nice hands. Oh, have picked enough flowers? No, we'd better get some more. - Bob... - Yeah? Mr. Borden would like to see you in the office at once. Ah, thanks, chief. What is it, Johnson? Uh... Why... Bob's accounts are 5,000 dollars short. Mr. Borden, I didn't take that money. After examining all the evidence, I wish I can believe that. but I can't. However, you'll have the opportunity of proving it to a jury. You mean you're gonna turn me over-- It's pretty difficult for me to do this in your case, Bob, but I have no choice. But I can't believe that you-- Well, just it don't seem possible. That's all I have to say, Bob. Hear ye! Hear ye! This Court is now in session. All persons having business before the Court, give "he" then he shall be heard. Be seated. Yes. He was entrusted with the money. It is the duty of this jury to see that the laws of this land are enforced. Gentlemen of the jury, I charge you that if in your opinion the prosecution has proved its case beyond a reasonable doubt, your verdict should be guilty. We find the defendant, Robert Terry, guilty of embezzlement as charged in the indictment. How could you do this? I've always thought you were so fair. Father, you've always been right about everything, but I'm sure you've made a mistake. I know he's innocent. I'm sorry, dear. I believe I've done my duty. Hi, roommate. - Huh? - What are you in for? Nothing. You gonna be with us long? Fifteen years. Fifteen years for doing nothing! It's a good thing you didn't do something. It looks like you and me are gonna see a lot of each other. My name is Todd Shannon. What's yours? - Mine is Bob Terry. - Glad to know you, Bob. Yep, looks like you and me are gonna be buddies. Ain't much we can do about it. No, sir. This your first visit with us? Yes, you too? No, this is my home. Well, this is your boudoir. Just make yourself right at home. If there's a little thing you need, why, just ring for it. Step on it. Yeah. Yeah, that's really a good job, what I sew myself. Say, I just had to think about something. This is my anniversary. I've been in here 10 years today. I can get my parole now. Ten long years. Yes, think. Yeah, I was. Thinking of the 10 years I still gotta go. And the five years I've been in this place. Five years they took out of my life. More like 5,000 years. Just because his ideas of Justice demanded a victim. Yeah, I know, kid. You sure got a raw deal. But you'll get out and when you do, you're going to have a lot of fun paying old Borden off. I hope he lives long enough. I'll make him pay for every minute I've been in this place. Why, he swore my life away the day he took the stand. I had a solid future all planned out for myself. Steel frames for buildings. Steel bars interwoven. Steel bars... Steel bars! I'll be getting my parole soon, kid. And when I do, I'll take care of him for you. Say, you know, there's a lot of ways that nobody could tell who did it. You take them Arab fellows and they sneak up behind a guy, see, with a long piece of silk cord in their hands with a fancy knot tied in, sling it over a guy's head, give it a quick twist and glo, glo, glo... and nobody knows who did it. Of course, then there's a way I see a fellow do it. He just need take this long poisoned toothpicks, see, shove it underneath the guy's fingernails, and-- Well, there's a way that... old-fashioned method too you know, providing you can get the guy sleep. You can imagine how he must have suffered, Harry? And he didn't deserve it. He was innocent. I can well understand how bitter he must feel toward me. Very likely, John, but I've known Bob all his life and I believe he'll listen to me. Yes, it might help if you can convince him of how sincerely I regret. Father, have you seen the papers? - Bob will be free. - Yes, dear. - How do you do, Dr. Nicholl? - How are you, my child? We were just discussing it, Lois. Oh, aren't you glad? Of course, I'm glad he's getting out. It's a horrible thing for me to I realize I was directly responsible for all he has been through. Oh, but you're not, father. You only did what you thought was right. After all, it was a jury that convicted him. Just the same, he spent five terrible years in prison for something he didn't do. And I consider myself responsible. I'm going to do everything in my power, Harry, to make it up to him. Everything. Your father thought I could go to Bob and, perhaps, make him understand. Oh, I think he will understand. Bob was always very fair. I'm sure he'll realize you only did what you thought was just. In the name of justice. Justice... There's irony for you. What do you plan to do? I'm going to the prison and have a talk with him. Eh, put the deuce up there. Hello, Bob. I'm glad to hear the good news. Well, so am I. I've come to talk to you, Bob. Have you made any plans? Oh, one or two. That's fine. Bob, there's a chance of you picking up your life again just where you left off. What do you mean? Mr. Borden feels terrible about what he did to you and he wants to make a restitution. Well, if that's what you came here for, you can quit talking right now. I know how you must have suffered, but don't let bitterness and hate work your heart and soul. Don't you think you should give thanks that all misunderstanding has been cleared away? Me give thanks... Ha! That's a good one. Listen! I had to live in this hole for five years and give the best part of my life for another guy's crime. And you mention the word "thanks". If you harbor malice and vengeance, Bob, your luck will be harder. Blessed are those who look upon the sins of others with compassion and forgiveness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't go for that stuff anymore. Bob, you're going out in the world again and you will need spiritual strength to help you to become readjusted to the new life. You will need friendship and kindness and understanding. Mr. Borden is offering all these. He wants you to come and live in his home. He'll do everything in the world to repay you. Shut up! I don't wanna hear anymore. And you can get out! Pardon me, mister. Would you let me talk to my buddy alone for a minute, please? Of course. What a sap you are! Why, it's a perfect setup. Did you hear what the guy just said? Well, what could be sweeter? He's given it to you on a silver platter. He's asking you to come and live with the old man in his house. You'll have him right in the palm of your hands when you get ready to... squeeze, see? Yeah, say that is an idea. And being on the spot, I can give him a dose of his own medicine, huh? Sure! Nah, leave it there. I won't go against the grain. Oh, never mind the grain. Hey, chief! So what they call him, guys. Why, uh, after talking to my buddy here, I... I think maybe your plan is the best thing for me. That's fine, Bob. Are you ready, Terry? Yeah, just a minute. - I'll wait for you. - Okay. Say, that was a swell act you put on just now, you gotta keep it up, see. You gotta be nice to everybody you meet. All the time... keep it up. You see, I'm getting my parole on Friday and as soon as I do I'm gonna look you up. I wanna get in on this. And, remember, I know the rules, see? And besides that, I've got plenty of connections that can do us a lot of good in a big way. Right in your town, pal, see. - Well, you've been a swell pal. - Oh, cut it out. - Good bye, guy. - So long, pal. And, say, don't stay out late at night or catch cold. Don't get your feet wet. And, say, get the old man a..."glunrk" for me, will you? He hasn't been exactly what you call a happy prisoner. I can well understand that, warden. Hello, Bob. Hello, Mr. Borden. Would you shake hands with me? Sure. I don't think it's necessary, Bob, for me to tell you how I feel about this. I'll never be able to forgive myself, but I want you to know that both, Lois and I, will do everything in our power to make it up to you. We'd like to have you come and live with us. Make our home your home. For the time being at least. Will you try it? Yeah, I'll try. Croesus! - Croesus... - Yes, miss. They're here! Hello, Bob. Mister Bob! - Mister Bob! - How are you, Croesus? Oh, fine, just fine, Mr. Bob, thank you. I'm so glad you're here. Oh, Lois, Bob has agreed to come here and live with us. Oh, I'm so glad. I'll do hope you'll be happy here. Thanks. You must be tired after your long drive. Hmmm... not especially. Perhaps you'd like to go up to your room and fix up a bit. Croesus will take you up when you're ready. I would like to go, thanks. If you'll excuse me-- Don't fix up too much. Dinner will be ready soon. Father, what have they done to him? Too much, my dear. He seems so... bitter. Yes, he is. But we've got to break that down. It isn't going to be an easy task. Still, he's accepting your offer. Yes, that's true, he is. Father, I'm going to admit something to you. I've always liked Bob a lot, but he never could see me. I was all prepared to pity when you brought him home. But when I saw him, it wasn't pity, but a strange deep sympathy I've never known before. He doesn't want pity. What he more needs in encouragement and understanding. We've got to make this a real home for him, Lois. And, above all, those last five years must be a closed book. Remember that. - More coffee, Bob? - No, thanks. It's very good. Everything was. Have you any plans for this evening, Lois? No. No unless Bob wants to go to a movie. No, not tonight, thanks. If you pardon me, I must go and speak to Croesus about tomorrow's marketing. I'll be right back, Bob. It's more comfortable in the library. Bob, let's go in there. Oh, by the way, how do you like that? I just picked it up. To tell you the truth, Bob, I'm afraid I got stung. What do you think? I don't know much about it, Mr. Borden. Say, I've got some new books I think will interest you. You need something around here to pass the time away. Now, let me see. Oh, yes, here it is. What do you think of that? Why, yes, I've heard about this. I want to read it. Wait a minute, there's another one! Let me see... oh yes! Say, there's a lot of new things around here I want to show you. Say, Bob, I actually read this one myself. Mmm... say, this is a new development! Why, there's a million things I can do with this! Oh, I've already started doing things with it around here. Look at this! It's a photoelectric cell arrangement. If anyone passes the light rays that go across here say, the police and everybody in town would know about it. What's it for? It's to protect the safe. It's a good idea, isn't it? This switch turns the rays on. Now here. Here's the safe, Bob. How's that? It's alright. Say, they're opening gates and garage doors with it! Soon they'll be landing airplanes with it! Oh, by the way, Bob, you'll be needing some new clothes and things now. I always carry a little cash on hand in there. You just help yourself whenever you need it. I don't like to do that, Mr. Borden. Nonsense, my boy, forget it Now later on when you're ready I'd like to go over some plans I have in mind for your future with our company. Oh, wait a minute, I'll get you the combination for the safe. And, uh... where have you been employed the last few years? I am sorry, Mr. Terry. I've read all about your case and I think it's been done a terrible injustice, but it's against our rules to employ a man with a prison record. Hello, Bob - Have a nice day? - No. - No luck? - No. Well, I guess I shouldn't have expected any. Oh, Bob! I've persuaded the directors to give you that cashier's job whenever you're ready. - Is that so? - Yes... Someone to see you, Mr. Bob. Who is it? Another reporter? Don't look much like a reporter. Said his name was Mr. Channing. Oh, that must be Todd! Todd! How are you, kid? - Anything happened yet? - No, not yet. See, that's great. I'm sure glad you waited for me. Well, what have you been doing? Looking for a job. A job? Well, I didn't wanna... Well, I thought it would be better for our plans. - Ohhh... I get you. An alibi. - Yeah. You don't have to worry about me kid, I can always go back to work for Carmody. Say, I think I can fix you up with him too. - Say, can we go see him now? - Sure, anytime. Bob, why don't you ask your friend to come inside? Thanks miss, but I've been inside too much lately. Lois, this is Todd Channing. - Todd, this is Miss Borden. - How do you do? Glad to know you, Miss Borden. I'm going to get my hat. I'll be right back, Todd. Okay. I'm so glad you came. Bob told me what a pal you were, and he certainly needs someone to cheer him up. Don't look to me like anybody would need much cheering, I mean... if you were around him. Does he see you much? Just as much and as often as I can make him see me. Well, maybe he needs specs. You must get Bob to bring you around often. I think I'm going to like you just as much as he does. Well, sure glad about me coming here, Miss Borden. Thanks. - How about just calling me Lois? - Yes. I like that better, Miss Borden. - So long, Lois. - So long, Bob. - Goodbye, Mr. Channing. - Goodbye, Miss Borden. Hey, boy, that sure is a swell dish? Here's your receipt, Jim, and yours, Ed. - And yours, Husker. - Yup. Gentlemen, I want to thank you for your confidence in me. With this quarter of a million behind us, our credit will be reestablished. I hope so, John. This hundred thousand is as far as I can go. Oh, stop crying, Jonas. I've already put in every nickel I had. - Hello, dad. - Hello, darling. - Everything go well? - Yes. They all came through. And, would you believe it, Jonas came to the rescue with a hundred thousand, but you should have heard him cry. - What? Did you bring the bonds home? - Yes. I let the time slip by until it was too late to get into the bank. Croesus! Oh, have you seen Croesus? Why call Croesus? I'll tie it for you. Thanks. You look more like the 400 than men going to work. Well, I hope it helps work the 400. I admire your self-reliance, Bob. I think your new position is splendid. So do I. I've known some very distinguished headwaiters. Name me one. Well, the spritz at the Ritz. I understand he makes a trip to Europe every year. Hey, thank you. Oh, wait a minute, I'll get my wraps and drop you off. Father would take you, but he's not going to the club till 9:30. Well, fine! - Is Mr. Terry here? Yes, he'll be here in just a minute. Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, if you please with your indulgence, I've just had a request. - What? To leave town? - No, it's quite all right. No, not exactly, but I'm glad you're joining in the fun and having a good time, it's quite all right. I have a request really to give an imitation I had the pleasure of doing over the radio several nights ago, and I'm sure you'll guess what it is. It's an old-fashioned musical instrument and I shall have now jolly, we'll have a go at it! Yes, carry on, carry on! It's quite all right. Thanks for your part on it, old boy. Here we go. Jew's harp. Jew's harp. Jew's harp! Jew's harp! - Yes it's the Jew's harp. - Oh, that's very good! I'm glad... Will you just kindly sit down, please? - That's lovely! - Yes. Remember, one jackass at a time. - All right, big ears! - Big ears? Yes. - I say, have you any more of 'em? - I... I have another one. Carry on, I'll be very patient. Well, I hope you will be, if you don't mind. By the way, if you insist, if you'd like to, I'd like you personally to guess what I'm trying to do. - Why, I do love guessing! - Do you really? You're quite a dude, aren't you? Don't tell him ladies and gentlemen, let him guess for himself. Now here we go. - Remember you're guessing. - Yes, yes, I'm here. Rabbits! Rabbits? I say! My word, you are facetious. I wish you'd keep quiet. Next imitation will be that of music. On an ordinary mouth organ, and an impression of an English boy... - I play on the harmonica! - Never mind, I'm not going to ask you; Please, if you let me have a go at this, and I shall play for you. I give up... ladies and gentlemen, I'm awfully sorry. It's quite all right. Thanks so much. I hope you liked it. It's quite all right. You are sure drawing business? Another party just asked for you. It's that party over table eight. They look like big money, Oh, thanks. - Well, good evening. - Oh, hello Bob. Bob I want you to meet you some friends of mine. Richard, this is Bob Terry. Richard Malamb, Bob. Mr. Malamb, Mr. Terry. - How do you do? - How do you do? Mr. Clifton, Mr. Terry. - How do you do? - How do you do? - Sir, everything all right? - Yes, thank you. This is my boss Mr. Carmody, miss Borden. - How do you do? - Miss Borden, it's a pleasure. - Very nice place you have here. - Thank you. Mr. Carmody, would there be any rule against my dancing with Mr. Terry? There aren't any rules that wouldn't favor such a charming young lady. Sure, go ahead, Bob. - Thank you. - Thank you. Pardon me, please. Pals, you'll get fired. Oh, go on... Well isn't that something? Lois Borden dancing with the head waiter. Oh, don't be a snob Freddy, I'd like to be in her in shoes. That's Bob Terry. Don't mind them, Bob, you are free, white and twenty-one. I wish I could feel like that. Oh, laugh at things, Bob, come out in the sun. Go get Terry. So you mucked it up! I had a couple of guys take down this bank, but they never showed up and then Smitty told me that all we have is the banking hours. All right. Clear out before Terry gets here. Hello The boss wants to see you. - All right. Excuse me, please. - Certainly. Yes, lovely. - How long have you known him? - Ever since I was a little girl. Well, hello Todd! Hello Miss Lois, I just couldn't resist telling you how nice you looked out there dancing. You just seemed to float around like smoke. Well, Todd, what a pretty speech. I didn't know you were a poet. Did I say a poem? Ha! I must've got it from Bob. - You don't like Bob much do you? - No, do you? - Can you keep a secret? - You know darn well I can. Well, I hate him... just like you do. He's a pretty lucky guy, but he doesn't seem to realize it. I'd do anything in the world to straighten him up. Yeah, I understand, Miss Lois. Pardon me. - You wanted me? - Yes. Sit down. Bob. Looks like you're gonna bring me a lot of business and I want to reciprocate. I've got a swanky apartment house and I want you to move into it. Won't cost you anything. That's mighty nice, but I'm not ready to move just yet. No? What is it? The girl? No, she hasn't anything to do with it. Okay, Terry, let's quit sport and get down on business. Todd told me why you was living up there. I bet you'd like to take a crack at Borden. Well... That's all I've been waiting for. Okay. 250,000 dollars worth in negotiable bonds were turned over to the old man today and he didn't put them into his bank. Suppose we could locate those bonds and something would happen to them tonight so that he couldn't get them into the bank tomorrow morning. I get you. Oh, they'd suspect me and I'd be set up again. But you wouldn't do that job. You'd stay right here with all those people around you, including Borden's daughter. Yeah, say... Borden left the house at nine thirty tonight while I was working here. You're not taking any chance. If he couldn't prove a theft, he'd be in the same spot I was. Why, he'd be indicted for for embezzlement. Here. That's the combination of the safe. The bonds are there. - Yeah? - Oh, and... Here's the key to the front door. That makes it easy. I'll take care of you. I don't any want any cut. I just wanna watch him squirm. Listen: Look, the safe is right there but it's electrified and the switch that turns the current off and the lights on is down the side of the wall, right there. Waiter! - Yes... - My check. You're very impertinent. You know? I think you got something there. Say, can you imagine that? After all the service I give that guy, he turns out to be a stiff! Hey, I... hope everything goes off all right tonight. Don't worry; the chief knows his potatoes. He ain't never slipped up yet. Oh, Bob, why did you do it? - Hello, father. - Oh, hello dear. What are you doing up so late? Oh, I wasn't tired. Now you go along to bed, I wanna talk to Bob. I had a grand time at Bob's place, but I'm dead. Good night Bob, don't let him keep you up too late. - Goodnight, dad. - Goodnight dear. - Does she know? - Know what? Never mind. First, I want to assure you that, whatever happens, I'm not going to let your name be brought into this. I told you I was willing to pay any way you liked, and I meant it. Naturally, I will be charged with embezzlement for the loss of those bonds. Yeah, that's what I figured. I hope you haven't made any mistake and left evidence that might be uncovered in the investigation. Don't worry. You were an honest man when you went to prison, Bob. So whatever you are now, whatever you do now is not your responsibility. It's mine. I had hoped that you might believe that I sincerely wanted to make amends to you for my mistake. Well, you didn't believe me. I can't blame you for that. I didn't believe you once. Listen, talking won't change things. There's just one thing I want you to promise me. That you'll see this thing through. I'll see it through. I've been waiting years for this. Borden, I didn't come here in the first place because I was fond of you or believed your little scheme about wanting to atone for what you did to me. I came here to find out what would hurt you the worst. Well, I found out. Now you're going up for the same thing I did. And, in your opinion, that will square our account? I'm glad. Thanks, Bob. Well, we'll see. - Good morning, dad. - Good morning, Lois. Where's Bob? Did he oversleep? No, he had to leave early. You know, I think he's going to be much happier with his new job. Oh, what's the matter with you? Lois, dear, something has happened. There's no chance of my sparing of this, so I might as well tell you. Those bonds that were in my safe are missing. How awful! Bob! Everyone would suspect him. Did you tell him how to open the safe? I never told anybody but you. But it couldn't have been Bob. He was at the club all evening. - All evening? - Yes. Well, my dear, whatever happens, I want you to stick to that. Did you call the police? Uh... yes, yes, there were here last night. What did they say? They don't believe that was robbery. There's no signs of breaking in. What will the Board of Directors say? They'll probably accuse me of taking them. Oh, but they can't. How can those men who work with you for so long be so heartless? I couldn't blame them for that. After all, those bonds were entrusted to me to be deposited in the Bank. And I can't produce them. Well, I'm in your hands, gentlemen. - Where are the bonds, Borden? - I don't know. You're quite sure? Well, a quarter of a million dollars worth of bonds couldn't just get up and walk out of an electrified safe. If you are insinuating that Terry did it just because you believe that anyone that was certain time in prison was a committed criminal, you're wrong. Lois and I are the only ones who knew how to get into that safe. Well, that eliminates the possibility of robbery then, doesn't it? Look here, Merryweather, you're not accusing Borden of-- I'm not accusing him of anything. Well, the way you spoke-- I am entitled to speak any way I wish. One hundred thousand dollars of that money is mine. and I reserve the right to question, as I please, the man who admits his criminal negligence. We all know that Borden is honest. That's what he's counted on: his reputation for honesty, but it's easy enough to see-- But, Jonas... If you step out of the room for a few minutes, we'll take a vote on this. Certainly. Doing a stretch won't hurt him half as bad as losing his good reputation. Yeah, just like you were when you were first set up. I'll never forget it. You worried about your reputation. You, what a greenhorn you were. Hey, what the only trouble of you is, though? I think you let him go too easy. I think you should've choked him. Still, on the other hand, what about miss Lois? It's gonna hit her pretty hard. No. Stop it. Do you think you can make me change my mind? All right, you wanted to get him, and you got him. You bet I got him. Well, gentlemen, we've talked this thing over, John, and we realize the temptation to save yourself from total ruin was overwhelming. We will give you precisely 24 hours to return those bonds or the equivalent amount in cash. You know I have no cash. And I have no means of raising it. I'm sorry, John, but if you can't, we'll be forced to have you indicted. Woozy. (exclaiming) (crashing) I'm okay. Oopsy: Now we're going to combine Going up and down with spinning. (motor whirring) (whirring rapidly) Uh-oh. (screaming) (both grunting) (screaming) Oh, no. (screaming) (whimpers) True heart, are you all right? That was awesome! Let's do it again. I loved it. (laughs) really? I think I'm ready to give the thunderbolt a try. (whimpers) I'm still kinda nervous. But with you and Wingnut along, I might be able to do it. It's just that... (yawns) ...I'm tired. That's because you should all be in bed. Hi, bedtime. We were just shutting things down. (agreeing) Good night, bedtime. See you bright and early tomorrow. Right. Good night. Good night, true heart. Good night, bedtime. (beeping) good night, you two. All ready to ride the thunderbolt? Yup. But I'm nervous. Don't worry, we'll do this together. Hi, everybody, are you coming with us to the cave? To pick rainbow buds. Actually, true heart, Wingnut and I Have something we have to take care of first. Okay, maybe we'll see you later. Thanks for sticking with me, Oopsy. We're with you 100%. (agreeing) Okay, everyone. Keep your eyes open for rainbow buds. They're sort of hard to find. Ooh, they're so pretty. (echoing) ooh, they're so pretty. (gasps) what was that? It sounded just like me. That's an echo. Inside the cave, the sound of your voice bounces off the walls So that you can hear it back. Hello! (echoing) hello! (laughing) fun! (echoing) fun! (gasps) oh. (all laughing) Come on, gang. Let's pick some rainbow buds. (laughs) Isn't this fun, everyone? A few of these will really brighten up my workshop. Wow. It's really big. If you've changed your mind, that's okay. No. I still want to do it. Come on. (Grumpy grunting) Having trouble, Grumpy? (grunting) this blurble blistering bud won't come loose. (all screaming) (groaning) (rumbling) (all gasp) Cave in! Oh, no, we're trapped. (grunting) No good. Looks like we have some work to do. One, two, three. All: Care power on! Maybe I can blast through this with a thunder bumper. (thunder rumbling) (exclaiming) Well, that was no good. Let me try a rainbow beam. (all exclaiming) Both: Whoa, whoa. (gasps) (both exclaiming) (screaming) Why won't our belly badges work? It's like Harmony's echo. They just bounce off the walls. Now what are we going to do? We need help. Oopsy and true heart could help us. But how do we tell them? Hmm. We have to set off the care alarm. How? With a belly badge broadcast. (chuckling nervously) (alarm wailing) Okay, Wingnut. (both gasp) That's the care station alarm. Someone must be in trouble. Why isn't anyone answering it? We better check. (beeping) Nobody's here. They must still be in the cave. (exclaiming) Oh, no. It looks like the entrance to the cave has collapsed. They must be trapped inside. (gasps) We have to tell someone. We have to get help. Um, Oopsy. I think we are the help. (agreeing) Really? Hmm. Then this calls for Super caring Oopsy! Now, how are we going to get them out? All: Hmm. We can push the rocks out of the way. We'll need shovels to dig through. But that might be too slow. Hmm. (exclaims) (chattering) Wingnut, now is not the time for bumbleberries. (mimicking drill whirring) You want to polish the floor? No. He means using Grumpy's bumbleberry delivery system Like a drill. Ta-da! (exclaiming) Hmm. How do we get it up there? It's too heavy to carry that far. Huh? Hmm. We'll use the thunderbolt. We'll load the bumbleberry delivery system on the coaster car, Adjust the track and ride it up at full speed. (exclaims) Okay, Wingnut, you're ready? (agreeing) Let's go! You're not afraid? A little bit, but you helped me get ready for this. Besides, our friends need our help. I can do it. (true heart whooping) Oopsy: Whoa! (both screaming) (both whooping) Oopsy: Whoa! True heart: Whoa! (true heart chuckling) (chuckling) (both screaming) (both screaming) (both laughing) We did it! We made it! (both grunting) Okay, I hope this works. (whirring) Oopsy? True heart? You did it! You saved us! (rumbling) And you broke my bumbleberry delivery system. (laughs nervously) (groans) But you did the right thing. (chuckles) good work, super caring Oopsy. Oh, thanks. You too, true heart. That was very brave what you two did. (all exclaiming) (all laughing) Whoa! Okay, who's next? I don't think my tummy can take another ride. (groaning) Not again. Twenty times is enough. Oh, come on, it's so much fun. Just one more ride. (both groaning) (exclaiming) Huh? All right, Wingnut. (both exclaiming) (Wingnut beeping) (chuckling) Doesn't she ever get tired? True heart: Yay! Let's go again! (true heart laughing) How could I know that the cloud cave Might be shaky and collapse? But the rainbow buds were pretty. Yeah. I got to admit, they were. (wind howling) If this wind keeps up, We might have to cancel the giving festival. (gasps) what? Cancel the giving festival? Oh, no. It's not getting any better out there. But we never canceled it before. I don't like having to do this any more than you do, share. But with all this wind there's nothing we can do. (sighs) oh. Looks like we'll just have to stay inside. What? Did I say something? Oopsy, you just saved the giving festival. I did? I did! Yay! (giggling) Um... How? (chattering) By suggesting we stay indoors. We can have the festival right here in the care station. Sure. We'll just have to get the place cleaned up and ready. We'll need to make some decorations. Oh. I can help with that. What about snacks? I've got some fresh bumbleberries that I'm happy to share. (giggles) Maybe this won't be such a bad giving festival after all. Now, we have to let everyone know That the festival is still on for tonight. (monitor beeping) (gasps) tumbling cloud busters! It's Princess Starglow. And it looks like she's in trouble. We have to do something to help Starglow. All: Care power on! (wind howling) (exclaiming) I think I see her! Starglow! (gasps) hey, guys, you might want to be careful. Careful? (scoffs) She's the one who's in trouble. (wind gusting) all: Whoa! We'll have you free in a moment, Princess Starglow. (grunts) we've stopped. Too much wind. (Windle cackling) This is no time for laughing, Grumpy. It's not me. Then who? (laughing) That's Windle. The one that I was trying to warn you about. This is my part of the Sky, And I don't like trespassers. Sorry, but you have our friend. Please! Let her go, and we'll leave you alone. No, I don't want to. Now you should leave! (inhales deeply) All: Whoa! (screaming) We need to help Windle learn to calm down. Let's go! (inhales deeply) (Windle laughs) (Windle laughing) (exclaiming) (grunting) I'll have you out in no time. Oh, no, you don't. Why do you want to keep our friend? Because she was going to the giving festival. And I don't like the giving festival. How can you not like it? It's wonderful. It's fun. I don't like all the giving and the sharing and the... Staring. No. I said "sharing." And I said "staring." As in a super, mega-wonderful, care bear stare. (chuckles) I don't like the sound of this. Funshine: %% everybody gather round Care bears: %% care power on Grumpy: %% someone needs our help right now Care bears: %% care power on Cheer: %% we work together asateam Share: %% to lend our hand ormakeastar gleam Cheer: %% every time we do thecarebearstare Care bears: %% care power on (Windle laughing) %% rainbow, sun, Stormcloudsand lollipops %% care power on %% caring, fun, and sharing never stops %% care power on %% care power on %% care power on %% care power on %% (laughing) Thank you. I feel so much lighter and breezier. Now, what were we talking about? You not letting our friend Starglow leave Because you don't like the giving festival. Oh. Sorry. I was just going to take care of that. (inhales deeply) Princess Starglow, I'm sorry. Please, go with your friends. Well, no harm done I guess. All: Yippee! (all laughing) hurray! (all Cheering) For someone who just had a care bear stare, Windle doesn't look very happy. Um, why don't you come with us to the giving festival? Thanks, but I can't. Sure you can. No, I can't. I... I don't have anything to give. Hmm. So, that's why you don't like the giving festival. Mmm, maybe. That's okay. You don't have to have something to give. You can give yourself just by being there. Really? Come on, you'll have fun. Share, I've really been looking forward to this. My first time ever seeing snow. Well, Grumpy's helped us out with that. Yup. Now that the wind has died down We can have the festival outside and... (exclaims) My snow machine! Nanobots! I'll never get it fixed in time. The wind must have cause the branch to fall. This is my fault, isn't it? You didn't do it intentionally. It was an accident. Yes, but I feel responsible. Since the wind was so bad, We never even got a Chance to decorate. Well, we can still have the festival inside the care station. (balloons popping) Oopsy. Wingnut was helping me blow up some balloons for the festival And I guess we blew them up too much. Oh. Now what are we going to do? We don't have any decorations. And we don't have any snow. What's with all the droopy faces? The giving festival isn't about having, it's about giving. (gasps) and I know what I can give. (all gasp) A little sparkle. And a little twinkle. (chuckles) Starglow, it's beautiful. Happy to help out. I've got lollipop flowers to give. And I'm going to make up some great games. I wish there were something I could give, but I'm just wind. And you've had enough of that. Well, I bet you're good at warm Summer breezes. Yeah. Probably good at cold winter gales, too. (gasps) Grumpy! That's it! Think you can cool down some of those clouds? Sure. But why would I... Of course. There's going to be a change in the weather. (inhales deeply) Snow? Real snow? (exclaims) It's the real deal. Let's get this giving festival started. (all exclaiming) (all laughing) (tooting) %% this season comes butonceayear %% we sing a song for friends bothfarand near %% we celebrate by giving %% and being grateful forallthe littlethings %% let love shine %% it's giving time %% come one, come all %% let's all join in %% peace and Joy in every land %% what if all the bells could ring %% what if all of us couldsing %% come together %% in good Cheer goodCheer %% giving season's here %% giving season's here %% ---the end--- Previously on Project Runway... I love the unconventional challenges because they give you an opportunity to work with materials you wouldn't work with otherwise. Do you guys have plastic tiaras? We are not making a pinata. We are making a dress. I can't seem to figure out how to make it into something that I like. How's it going? Are you gonna make it? I have no time left. To think that this is just a dress made of ribbon material from a party store, i think that's remarkable. To me, it's kind of a really strange mix going on. Andy, congratulations, you are the winner of this challenge. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] I'm sorry, Sarah. That means you're out. [Sirens blare] How you feeling right now? You feeling a little better? Ivy just fainted. I'm just really scared for her. [Sirens blare] This is Project Runway. Yes! Let's go! The search for the next big fashion designer. I was born ready. You know you love this. You're either in... Or you're out. It's about fashion. Who will be the next great fashion designer? I'm the best there is. 17 designers... This is my chance. Three finalists... But only one can be the winner. It's Fashion Week, or go home. I've come way too far to lose. For these 17 designers, Project Runway is the chance of a lifetime. The winner of Project Runway will receive $100,000 from L'Oreal Paris to start their own line, a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine, a $50,000 technology suite from HP and Intel to create their vision and run their business, and the opportunity to design and sell an exclusive collection The model paired with the winner of Project Runway will receive a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine and $25,000 from L'Oreal Paris Studio Secrets Professional. [Sirens blare] Okay, give me a sec. [Indistinct] She's in the hallway. Just try and breathe, nice and easy. Almost immediately, ivy passed out. Nice, easy breaths. Ivy just fainted. And I'm worried because I know they have to take her to the hospital, and I... It just seems really serious to me. How are you feeling right now? Do you feel a little better? Still feel a little dizzy? I'm worried if she's gonna be okay, if she's gonna go home. [Sirens blare] I think I'm really worried now. Ivy, the minute we went to the workroom, it was like, bam, the girl was on. And I think she just stopped taking care of herself. It was more important to get the dress done. Yeah, she was stressing so much. I don't think she ate a lot. The girl drinks a lot of diet coke, and smokes a lot, and you know, maybe the coffee thing... Stressing. Yeah, and she's stressing. At least we know she's in good care, and she's at the hospital, and they're gonna do their best to make sure that... She'll be okay. She'll be all right. Project Runway 8x04 Hats Off to You Original Air Date on August 19, 2010 I just got released from the hospital, and the doctor gave me the okay that I can go back to work. The end result was just dehydration. And I feel so embarrassed that it happened. [Door opening, closing] If there's one lesson that I've learned, it's to definitely take care of the body. I am really looking forward to the next day and creating my vision that I got inspired by the hospital room. [Laughs] Hello. All: Hi. Andy, you were the winner of the last challenge, so you will have immunity and cannot be eliminated this week. I am really excited about this next challenge. And you are about to see why. Let's bring out your models. All: Oh, my gosh. Wow. Oh, my God. Isn't this amazing? All: Yes. Every hat, one after the other is just as fabulous, and breathtaking, and a piece of art. And I think to myself, "I am so happy to be here right now." [Applause] I'm excited to introduce you to the artist himself. He designs for the most beautiful women in the world-- from Sarah Jessica Parker, to Lady gaga... Philip treacy. [Applause] Hi. Mwah! Welcome. Thank you. Hi. Philip treacy is an amazing hat designer. I don't even know if I would call him a designer as more of an artist. He's a craftsman, and he is phenomenal at what he does. Designers, your challenge is to create a look inspired by and worthy to be worn with one of these works of art. To have your dress being worn with one of his hats? That's, like, the Holy grail, dude. That's--that's big time. Philip, do you have any advice for them? I think you have to think in terms of the volume and the proportion that will work with the overall silhouette of the person. And matching is old hat. That is good advice. Andy, you won the last challenge, so you get to pick your hat first. You will also be working with the model that is wearing your hat--all of you will. I'm going to stick with my Cassie. Thank you. April. The first hat that I am drawn to is the one that ify's wearing. I think that it's super cool. But ify's a difficult model to work with. I'm gonna stay with millana. Michael drummond. I'm going to stick with my model, zhanna. And that's my favorite hat. Michael costello. Lenka. Love you. [Mouths] Thank you. Peach. My model, ify, oooh! Her attitude is awful. But she's a tall, lanky, thin girl. She's stunningly beautiful. I'm going to stick with ify. Thank you. Gretchen. I have a fetish with feathers, so I'm going to stick with my model, Alexandra. Christopher. I'm staying with my Rose. [Giggles] Mondo. Eyen, I would love to work together again. Thank you. Thank you. Ivy. I would love to stick with ekaterina. Thank you. A.J. Every single time, we seem to make it work, so I'm going to stick with you, amare. Thank you. Valerie. I'm not crazy about her hat, 'cause it's not really a hat, it's more of a mask. But I really wanted to stay loyal to my model. This mask-hat seems pretty tricky, but my model and I seem to have a pretty good thing going. So I'm sticking with Tina Marie. [Mouths] Thank you. [Mouths] You're welcome. Casanova. Well, I will stay with my sarae. Kristin, kaven is left on the runway, and you will be working with her again and this beautiful hat. I love orchids. It's one of my favorite flowers. But damn, you know? It's so in-your-face. Okay, Philip will be our guest judge. Good luck with this challenge, and I'll see you on the runway. Bye, everybody. All: Bye. Hello, everybody. All: Hi. How excited are you? Way, very excited. We have the hats in the designer lounge. There is a photograph of each of your hats on your hp touchsmart notebook. Now you have until 11:00 tonight... So your 15 minutes of sketching begins now. And then we're going to mood, where we will have a budget of $150. Whew. Okay? Thank you, everyone. All: Thank you. The hat I was given reminded me of something that you'd wear in the future to some kind of island. So I wanted to do a resort-wear outfit that was complementary of the hat, but still accented it. I see this hat being worn on the head of a woman who is part of the royal family. It feels good to not worry because I have immunity, and I have a really good chance of winning again. I'm a huge David bowie fan. So I thought of labyrinth, and I thought of the leather, and spandex, and the high collars, and low-scooped baroque corseted dresses. I think I might do something that points a nod to those things. But a little more modern, and edgier, and understated. I know what I wanna design. Like, this halter that would drop down and just have the circular movement that it had with the hat. I know that this dress is gonna kick ass, and it's gonna be amazing. So this hat is completely architectural. And it is framing my model's face so well. And I just want to be able to mimic that. And I think that this hat speaks of a warrior. Back at home, I'm inspired by my garden. But here, having a flower as a hat? Oh, goodness. This is gonna be tough. This really is gonna be a tough challenge. You like yours? For me, yours is the risky one. It is risky. All right, designers, let's head off to mood. Follow me. So excited. It is exciting. I'm so excited. Thrilling. It's Philip treacy! Let's go. There's a million, trillion fabrics to choose from. I think they all have voices, and I'm hearing them. While I was in the hospital, I saw the curtains that were in there. And I really liked the contrast between the solid and the mesh fabric. So I'm thinking that would be a really nice detail to have in the back. So it was very serendipitous. I'm just trying to see if this is the right fabric for that. Is that too--I don't want anything too shiny. It's not playing second fiddle to the hat. It needs to be a good marriage. Right. Hold your feather. I got this. No, it matches my hat perfectly. It has the silhouette of it. You're right. It does. Oh, homage-age. All right, designers, time is up. $147.55. $147? And 55. Nice. All right, everyone, let's head back to the workroom. Thank you, mood! All: Thank you, mood. Off we go. I'm a little nervous. [Whirring] Ooh, what happened here? I'm thinking seriously to quit. What happened? I'm not sure if I'm able to hear more stuff, like before. Casanova, don't say that. I believe in you. You can do it! Casanova's kind of being a diva, but I mean, it's expected coming from a queen. But there are times when it can be a little much for everyone in the workroom. [Whirring] The judges, they know that I sew very well. But maybe they believe that I don't have taste. And that's the thing that I have to do in the next challenge, to show my taste. No, you're really not. No, I didn't get a zipper for my dress. You know what, I thought about the same thing. I can't believe I didn't do that either. Well, I've got this-- no, I didn't. Oh, my God. You're smart enough to do this. You know, Murphy's law, dude. I tell you what, that guy Murphy and I are not friends. I have an extra one if you need one, but it's not in black. Ooh, what color is it? White. That's fine. Is it invisible? Yeah. [Sighs] It's a flower. It's the hat. This is really gonna be a tough challenge, because it's so literal. And I'm not used--I don't do literal. I don't do literal at all. To me, all the other hats have such great possibilities. I mean, you could make the story your own. How do you make a story out of an orchid? I don't really know. Um... I don't know what I'm gonna do. Coming up on Project Runway... Haven't we all seen this dress a hundred times before? Yeah, you think? I'm not going to dissuade you from being concerned. You should be. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? What if I made something like-- ah. [Ripping] Ten hours, everybody. That's it. Not that much time. Ten hours. Our challenge is to design a garment worthy enough to be worn with one of Philip treacy's hats. You are in awe just of the presence of his designs. My scissors are gone. [Indistinct chatter] You know, there are moments that I get a little, like, jittery in my belly, and I'm like, "oh, crap, I could totally blow it and be in the bottom." Just, I have to keep working harder. Anybody have, like, a black knit? As far as time wise, I'm looking at the clock and I think I can do this. I'm feeling confident. Just don't wanna pass out again, like last time. Ah. I'd have just loved to have gotten yours. I'm inspired. I wasn't at first, but now I'm like, "oh, my God." At first this challenge scared me, because I'm like, "what am I going to do with this orchid?" I want it to be an evening-- like, a black evening-ish dress, but with a little bit of whimsy in it. But then I thought this would inspire me because, when I got married, I actually had orchids, you know, in my hair. And I needed to do something that conveyed romance, that conveyed I le. It's also very provocative somewhat. It is very provocative. I was like, ooh, she's gonna meet her lover. Oh, my God, where's my husband? But Whoo! Flowers have both male and female organs, so. You know, it's walking sex. The hat brings out your sexy? Yeah, well, look at it. It's just a big vagina. [Laughter] Wait, so what are you trying to tell us? Vagina makes you excited? Well, doesn't it--oh, never mind, look who I'm talking to! [Laughing] Kristin, she's a character. Oh, thank you! I think Kristin's crazy. I needed that so bad. Wow! I'm serious. [Laughter] I hope I get to talk to my son today. Oh, that's right, happy father's day, honey. Thank you. I have my son, Giovanni. He's six years old, love of my life. Happy father's day. Happy father's day, Michael. Thank you. Anyone else a dad around here? No, not me. [Snickers] What do you think? [Laughing] "If that's your style. It's not mine." I think Michael c is an insecure designer. And I don't think he has his vision yet. His dress, it's a hot mess. Do you have a seam down the front? Yeah. Mm. Uh. I am a few hours into my design right now. I'm telling myself that I love it when I really don't. Damn, I don't even know what happened here. This is a big deal, and my dress sucks at this point. How is everybody? Both: Good. Good, excellent. Hi, Valerie. Hi, Tim. So talk to me about what you're doing. I wanted to do a jacket. Mm-hmm. She has red lips, and the black mask. I decided to mix the soft with the hard in using this white faux leather for the jacket. And I'm also putting the black zippers here on the chest. Do you think the zippers are too heavy? Killing me with your silence. My feeling about these things in general is if they don't have a purpose, why have them? Well, it's a design detail. I feel like it's the hardware of the dress, and it gives it a little more edge. But it also needs to be necessary because with just as much frequency the judges talk about editing. Right, right. You know? Did you really need that? Right. You can play with it. Right. Zippers are my favorite part. So I really want to take his advice, but at the same time, he does remind me that I need to stay true to myself and it's my decision. All right, thank you. Thank you. April. Hey, how are you? I'm good. Talk to me. What did that hat say to you? Well, I really liked it, 'cause it was kind of modern, but still avant-garde. Mm-hmm. I wanted to do hot shorts and a jacket. I don't think the runway is really the place for Booty shorts, nor do I think designing for a Philip treacy hat is the place for Booty shorts. For me, for the cut of the short... Mm-hmm. And the color of the short... Mm-hmm. It really says "diaper." [Laughing] Especially it's quilted, so there's a thickness to it. I mean, I totally would wear them if my butt was that small. But it's not, so. [Laughing] I think the shorts are a cool idea and a risky idea at the same time. Thank you. Thank you, see you later. Michael. Hi, Tim. What is this? It's just a pleated fabric of some sort. Maybe it's a blend. It's fabulous, though. Basically, I figured if I mimicked the line--like, the opening here, it will open her up more. Because it's very heavy. I do know that it could easily step into a place that's Sci-Fi fiction fantasy. But do you know something? But I'm okay with that. You want to walk the precipice, you want to. Oh, no, I don't know what that really means. You don't wanna play it safe. Got you. I don't wanna--you're right. And you don't want it to be a kooky costume. Don't. So it becomes a matter of taste. Mm-hmm. And when it's a matter of taste, we don't know where it's going to go. But as long as you have the confidence in your look, in some ways it doesn't matter. Mm-hmm. All right. Thank you, Michael. Thank you. Can't wait to see it. Come here, chica. We got work to do. So how's Kristin? [Indistinct murmurs] [Sighs] Okay. You know, I have the orchid. Yeah, I know, it's stunning. It's stunning. This looks fussy. Yeah, it does. Just doesn't look modern. It gets on my nerves too. Yeah, that gets on my nerves too. [Snipping] So there we go, gone. Kristin, I really don't like her work. I feel like it's really sloppy and not very thoughtful. I did wanna add a little shrug to it, but... Why? What if I made something... Ah! Thank you. It's gone. Okay. All right. Thank you, Kristin. Okay, thanks, Tim. The woman who can afford that hat... Yes? Would be able to afford a polka dot dress where the polka dots line up. Okay. And they don't on your dress. Okay. I thought I'd do a really short pencil skirt. A really short pencil skirt. What do you mean "really short?" Like, you know, 15, 16 inches, not up... Yeah. You know, to show the good china. [Giggles] Hey, Tim. Wow, look at all this fabric. Making a pant, and then it's going to have this waistband. Not a fully exposed zipper, but it'll be laid in there. It's a lot of look. Right, it is. But that's what I do. Christopher, I'm crazy about this print. I love this print. I wanted her to have an open neck to allow for the angles of the top. Yeah. Oh, I agree. So I, like, gave it a lot of kick of, like, fabric in here. So I think on the runway it will flow, like, open. Hmm. It's, like, I feel like I've just been this steady as she goes. Like, slowly going up. But never quite there. And then I got a lot of buttons to kind of... I thought maybe these could be really interesting on the leggings as well. To kind of give it a little bit of energy. I just wonder if it's gonna seem like you're trying too hard. You're right. Absolutely. All right, Christopher, thank you. Thank you. I feel awesome about my design. I have no concern, until Tim comes to my table and say... Haven't we all seen this dress a hundred times before? Yes, you think? And to me, it says, "Donna karan, 1988." I cannot make any more mistake. I already did mistake enough. I'm not like a cat with seven life. When you see this hat, do you think who would wear the hat? What kind of person would she be? Oh, my God! Nobody wear the hat. It's very editorial. Editorial? Editorial. Well, in fact, people do wear Philip treacy's hats. For me, the dress is more wearable. Oh, it's very wearable. That's one of my concerns about it. So the dress should be not wearable? No. No, no, no, no, no. It's almost as though you went shopping, bought a dress, and you're putting it on your model, and she's wearing Philip treacy's hat. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't know what else I can say except finish it superbly. Okay? Okay. All right. Casanova, he has strong sewing skills. And I feel like, with proper guidance, he could do really well. Thank you, Casanova. Thank you. So, Michael, how's it going? [Sighs] Not exactly as I'd hoped for. Talk to me. Well, I've never worked with this kind of fabric before, and it created, like, a little puckering detail that's driving me insane. So that's my big concern. It--I mean, I'm not going to dissuade you from being concerned; You should be. That's what I thought. I feel so bad about this dress, but... Change it up. I agree. You have to. At least you know it. Yeah. How am I gonna make another dress in a short amount of time? How am I gonna do this? All right, Michael... Go make it work. Pack my [Bleep] Bags, I'll just go home. I'll just go home. Coming up on Project Runway... Why would you send a diaper down the runway? I don't think he has any idea what is modern. He's afraid of it looking like a cardboard box. I think it's gonna be peach, Kristin, and April in the bottom. All right, designers, I'm leaving you for the evening. Some of you have some very important decisions to make. I trust that they will be made. And the winner of this challenge will have immunity and cannot be eliminated from the next challenge. All right? I will see you in the morning. Work hard. And get restst! I decided to take Tim's advice, and I cut that sucker right off the mannequin. I start playing with some other fabrics, but I'm not feeling too confident at this point. Michael costello, he has a lot to learn. He didn't bring a ruler with him. At least to help you with a straight line. I mean, there are many ways to skin a cat, but you should probably bring a knife. Are you done with your dress already? Almost. I need to make a hem and put a zipper, and that's it. [Bleep]. Uh-oh. [Whirring] I think April, her stuff still looks like student work. And I think her work is too costume-y. I think she's probably gonna go home soon. Thanks, mom! We miss you a lot. Oh, he did? Let me talk to him. Dad, I didn't really catch a fish. You didn't really catch a fish? Being able to talk to Giovanni really put me at ease. You know, 'cause he's my boy. I love him to death. When you'll be back? I don't know yet. I needed to hear from him. My mind was in a crazy place. [Kisses] Love you, baby. Bye. Bye. I think you have to, as a designer, go with your gut feeling but know when to stop. That's why it's good when you have somebody like Tim come in the room because he kind of puts you back on track. I had this other really beautiful fabric, and I got an idea and I just went with it. I think I'm on to something that's really beautiful and very sophisticated. Michael c's look, he sometimes just goes over-the-top. His taste level is a little bit questionable at times. [Whirring] It needs something, because I feel like.... Look. Definitely leggings. Oh, the back is nice. I like the back. I actually like it now. What we're gonna do is just tweak it a little bit. Like, that's totally the ticket right there. Yeah, I like this. Don't get depressed 'cause we're not winning. No, because we are. 'Cause we're doing really well. I don't know what she's thinking. All the judges are gonna be like, "why would you send a diaper down the runway?" It's really feminine. Let me look at you next to it. Yes, yes! I like my garment. I like the way it flows, and I like that it's romantic. You know, I'm feeling good about it. She have a lot of idea how to make a big mess around the body of the model. But it's not design. Yeah. We're done, we're good. I'm crazy. Like, I have to finish this thing, and I didn't even make my skirt. And everyone's like, "what about your skirt? What about your skirt?" I'm out of time and I'm out of trick ponies, so. But they're all, like, secretly happy. [Sighs] Let's go home. Did you guys get a chance to look at anybody's work? No, I didn't. Can we trash talk for a little bit? You know, I liked Casanova's at first. I don't know if I like it now. I don't think he has any idea what is modern and fresh. He's making old Lady clothes again, right? Is that what you heard? Is that what you heard? Yes. He said Donna karan, 1980s. [Giggles] Michael drummond with that cardboard. I actually like it. But he might--but I don't know what he's gonna do with it, though. Like, it fits well, but, like, he's afraid of it looking like a cardboard box. Well, the fabric looks like a cardboard box. [Laughter] So who do you guys think is going home tomorrow? I think it's gonna be peach, Kristin, and April in the bottom. I am nervous about tomorrow. Why? Yeah, 'cause I have a nice little dress. But it's a nice little dress. I'm afraid to-- yeah, but how does it look with the hat? You know, I don't know. I don't know. Well, that's what matters. I'll find out tomorrow. Mm. And Heidi likes short, and tight, and shiny. Whatever, you know. 'Cause, like, you know, I only care--I care more about what Philip thinks. You know, but I don't want Heidi to, "well, it's not short..." You know? I don't want, you know... We'll see. I have to see it. I haven't seen your dress. I wish you didn't tell me that. Coming up on Project Runway... I see some worried looks around here. Stop doing this, machine! Agh! It may take a stick of butter... Ouch, ouch. But I'm going to get this girl in this dress. Coming! Ivy... That's-- whoa, sorry. ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ you know, even if I have immunity... Like, I know I can't go home today, but I don't wanna, like, mess up. I'm afraid for April because her garment really, really does look like a diaper. [Laughter] Who do you think's gonna be in the top? I think I could be in the top two. I just want a critique. I've just been in the middle, and I'm tired of not at least getting feedback, whether it's positive or negative. Are you going as the hulk today? Why do you have all that green on your face? Because too oily. It's a nice look for you. Thank you. All right, let's go. Where's my sanity? April, no sanity, no dignity. Let's go. Ready to go. Good morning. [Bleep]. It's runway day, but I still have the back of the jacket to drape, I still have the zipper for the skirt, the hem of the skirt. It's kind of a lot, but I know I can execute things beautifully and quickly. Hemming the skirt for me just is what scares me the most, because hemming a skirt can take a long time. So yeah, I'm a little nervous. You're going so fast. Stop doing this, machine! Agh! Bad machine. Good morning, everybody. All: Good morning. It's a big, big day. It's your Philip treacy day. So you have two hours to send your models to the L'Oreal Paris makeup room and the garnier hair salon. And remember, with the piperlime accessory wall, this is about your design and Philip treacy's hats, so be very thoughtful about how you use it. I see some worried looks around here. Everyone all right? Okay, I'm sending in your models. Thank you. I think if there's enough time, I'm gonna try to make you a different skirt. Okay. [Laughs] Oh, my God. You guys. Oh, jeez. I think I brought it in from the workroom. All right, you guys, don't get crazy over there. I think it's gonna work. Let's go. Hurry. Hi. Superstar. I've got this crazy hat. And I love it. So I just want it to be--think, like, finger, a little messy. A little texture. Fantastic. Okay. If you could just stay true to the hat and just kind of hide the hair. So just really decompress the bun so it, like, almost disappears, right? Yes. In your language. Perfect. Yeah. Instead of a bun, you want a roll. Mm-hmm. I want a roll. You don't want princess Leia? I love exactly how he did it. It looks like soft, soft blush and then the light pink, baby neutral lip. Okay. Excellent. I would love to add this mustache on her with liquid eyeliner or something. 'Cause she's doing menswear today. Okay. All righty? Have a seat over here, handsome. [Laughter] I wanted to make sure that I did a dress that really complemented that hat, and, hopefully, the judges, they'll be impressed with that in such little time. I do not expect Michael c in the top. The dress that he made--every girl from Puerto Rico have the same dress in their closets. Decisions. Decisions. I feel confident going to the runway with my look. A lot of the girls like the shorts. Millana liked 'em. I thought they were cool, and it's trendy right now. Are you still using that butterfly bracelet? Yes, and I love that butterfly bracelet. Right, well, you better put it on there before I snag it. The concept of my dress is to really make certain that the dress and the orchid as a unit convey romance and love. I'm happy with mine. I'm totally loving it. I really like the styling. Really, really. I have gotten so many compliments on it. So many people have said, like, "Christopher, I think that you have a chance to get this one." Both: I hope you win. I want to win. [Laughter] It looks really small in the waist. Yup. It's looking pretty tiny, and I thought, well, it may take a stick of butter, but I'm going to get this girl in this dress. Ouch. Ouch. Well, pin it there... I think it's nice that Philip treacy is there because he is so avant-garde and creative, and it's exciting to see what his opinion is. Who made this? Andy. Andy. It's clever to pick up the shimmer. Yeah. Rather than the color. Who made this? Casanova. Okay. Why on earth do you have a mustache? I'm a little worried about this thing, but it's okay. Yeah. When I put this look together, I decided to go with boots, 'cause I thought that kind of made her a little bit hipper. So when I styled her, it was like, oh, my God, she kind of looks like chic pirate a little bit. I am feeling nervous. My hands are shaking. I'm trying to keep it together. I'm doing self-affirmations like telling myself I can do it, I can do it. And it really, really needs to be perfect, so I'm just trying to sew as quickly as possible 'cause I'm not sending anything down the runway that's not executed well. All right. All right, designers and models, let's go down to the runway right now. Follow me, please. Peach. Coming! Ivy. Oh, sorry. That's it. That--what--blah! Huh. That was a first. Coming up on Project Runway... I think it looks like you didn't have a plan with this dress. I have to say I didn't respond well to it. May I see the back? Oh! No! [Seal's kiss from a Rose] ♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪ ♪ ba da da da ♪ ♪ da da da da ♪ ♪ I've been ♪ ♪ kissed by a Rose ♪ ♪ on the Gray ♪ hello. Hi. Welcome to the runway. As you know, in fashion, one day you're in and the next day you're out. There are 13 of you here, and after tonight, there will be 12. Your challenge was to create a look inspired by and worthy to be worn with one of Philip treacy's amazing hats. I'm a longtime fan of his work, and today I'm also wearing one of his masterpieces. Okay, let's meet the judges. First we have top designer Michael kors... Hey, guys. Fashion director for Marie Claire magazine, Nina Garcia... Hi, everyone. And we're very excited to have famous hat designer Philip treacy. Hi. Well, we'll score your designs as they come down the runway. One of you will be named the winner, and one of you will be out. Okay, let's start the show. [House music] ♪ ♪ [House music] I'm thinking, oh, lord. Damn, well, that look good. And I think the combination between my dress and Philip treacy's hat is absolutely stunning. So elegant. So sophisticated. It looked awesome. I loved it. It looked amazing. I really like my outfit a lot. I'd definitely wear it. I pushed my bounds of what I am comfortable with. And I feel like I interpreted my hat in a manner that was true to my aesthetic and not just the hats. I love the way my garment looks on the runway because I love the way it flows, and I love the way that it's harmonious with the hat, with the orchid. She looks fabulous. It looks amazing. She looks like the sun. I love her. I can't even handle it. I'm really, really proud of myself. I'm very happy. Myself. I see Tina Marie come down the runway, and I really love it. And I think it looks very clean, very polished. It's got a little tinge of drama and a little tinge of sexiness and flirtiness, and I think it encompasses a lot of different things in one garment. It's very me. I couldn't be happier. Going down the runway, I feel really good about how my dress looks. I think that it looks fantastic. Totally different than what I normally do, but still completely me. And I feel good about this one. Watching Cassie come down the runway, I just feel like she just looks so expensive. I'm hoping the judges notice that and that they really are affected by it, because it's a strong look. And, at the same time, it's believable that somebody would actually wear this in their everyday life. I think I nailed it. I am so impressed with myself with the way that the outfit turned out that I can't help but get a little emotional, and ekaterina looked so gorgeous in it, and it looks like it was made for her. And it's like my baby. It was beautiful. I need to get over myself. As I'm watching my whole look go down the runway, it really does look like she's going to this futuristic resort. I'm happy with it, and I don't regret anything. I love it. It looks so elegant and, I think, so chic. And I think it worked so well with this hat. I think ify walked the daylights out of that hat and that dress. She did such a great job. And I think I can handle her now. When I saw my model on the runway, I just think, Casanova, you will be safe. Whatever, Donna karan 1980s, you will be safe. I worked so hard on completing a look and finishing it to my liking. But, you know, when I see it walking down the runway, I don't change anything in my head. It's exactly what I dreamt. If I call your name, please step forward. April. Michael drummond. Christopher. Michael costello, please step forward. Valerie. Kristin. If I have not called your name, congratulations. Your scores have qualified you to move on to the next challenge. You can leave the runway. Let's bring out your models. Oh, Christopher knocked it out of the park. Yeah, his looks great. So sophisticated, but still edgy and sexy. Totally. Like, I would wear that whole outfit on the streets. We haven't even talked about Michael c's. I think he's in the bottom. It was way too easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought April was in the top. You don't think she's in the top? I think April's in the bottom. I think she's in the bottom. Her shorts didn't fit right. Valerie's in the bottom. But her mask and her dress don't have anything to do with each other. They have no relationship. She missed the boat. Michael drummond, tell us about your look. I was easily inspired by your art, so I was also inspired by architects. This reminded me of a warrior, and it also reminded me of a farmer a bit. And I don't mean that in a bad way. A warrior and a...? A farmer. Okay. Yeah, because I remember this sort of was to protect you from the sun. I kind of was inspired by the sun. It is a gold belt to sort of reflect the idea of the sun and light. I think you did a great job with this. I love the shoulders. I love that you made the material. You made the model look fantastic. And I think you really looked at the shape of the hat. Hats are part architecture, and you've managed to make an architectural outfit. So how did you do the skirt? I actually just made it a tube, and then I crinkled it and pressed it with an iron. I think it's really cool. I like how you manipulated the fabric. I like the texture on the skirt very, very much. I like the pleating. I like the detailing. And I like the silhouette. I really do think it works very well together. And the other thing that I found very interesting was the open back. Even from the back, it's just very dramatic, and it complements the hat beautifully. Kristin. I just looked at the lines of the orchid. But I decided to make the dress more architectural, so I just picked a nice solid black, but just had, you know, the pop-up color underneath, so that's the story really. An orchid is this incredibly beautiful and sexy flower. I look at what happened to the dress, and I see no correlation between the two other than the fact that we have pink accents. I think the black satin's definitely not working in your favor. Can I see the back of the dress? It just hangs around. Yeah, there's no harmony to the dress. Here you have a girl with an amazing body, and I don't know what it's doing for her body at all. I think it looks like you didn't have a plan with this dress. And the other thing is the matchy toenails and the flower shoe. I don't know why you would go so matchy-matchy and literal with this. Initially, I really liked the idea that you emulated the stripes of the hat on the back of the dress, but I think that the--I think it probably would have needed something more fragile. Kristin, you've been very quiet through all of this. I do disagree. I definitely did have a concept. I didn't want it to be, like, just tight and just where you see the waist. I wanted it to flow. And that was my intention. The dress that is up there is very contradicting. It's soft, but it's not. Right. You know, whereas had you gone maybe with a lighter fabric. It's not architectural. And it's not fluid either. Okay. Thank you. Christopher. I absolutely loved, loved my hat. I didn't use any other hard angles, because I felt like there were so many points here. So I wanted it to continuously flow. I was greatly inspired by the feeling of, like, parisian fashion. Of a delicate woman, but also a powerful woman. I have to say I didn't respond well to it. It's too dark. I would have liked to have seen some color in there. Something to make it a little happier. It seems sad to me. Okay. When I look at you trying to kind of edge her up with that black belt, with the black boot, and with that Gray satin legging, which is--I mean, even a model can't wear that legging. It kind of loses the whole idea of the hat. And then she has this coat made out of drapes. There's no romance here to me at all. It feels very stiff. It feels overly designed. I think it's fighting for the attention with the hat. The fabric that you chose is so heavy that you can't really appreciate the lightness, and that what's so fabulous about this hat. This needed something that... It makes her look, like, held down to the floor? Yes. Like, just heavy. She's sinking in. Rather than floating away. You know, simplicity can be beautiful rather than too complicated. Mm-hmm. I don't see the connection. There's nothing daywear about the hat. Right. Michael. When I look at the hat, it has a hardness to it, but also it has a playfulness to it when you look at the stem here. I notice that this movement was transitioned into my dress. And the fabrics to me were just so beautiful, and I thought that they just picked up the beautiful tones in the hat. I fell in love with it. I think it's just a fun little dress. This is what harmony looks like. It's not matchy-matchy. I love the idea that she's kind of, you know, goddess of the Sea without being a costume. Can we see the back? It looks effortless. You know, when you wear something that's draped and asymmetrical like this, that's what you want. I knew right then and there. I put it on the dress form, and it just had this flow to it that was just so inspiring. And I was like, "ah, this works with my hat." The color of the hat and the color of the dress are perfect. I love that you picked a nude shoe, almost to, you know, make it disappear. It's really not about anything but... The dress and the hat. It is a great dress with the hat, but I also think it is a beautiful dress on its own. And I think it was really clever of you to use the iridescence of the hat as the coloring, and I think you've done an exceptional job with this. Thank you. April, tell us about your look. My sole inspiration was the hat. I liked how it had a very kind of futuristic beach whimsical look to it. So I played with the lines by doing different textures of black and then just a pop of pink to kind of bring it together. When I look at the vibe of this, I think you picked the right category but the execution and the actual pieces... First off, I think it's very literal. When I look at this kind of triple-panty--I mean, and the panty is ill-fitting. I guess if you're going for a three-day weekend, it looks like you layered your underpants for the weekend, and each day you kind of unpeeled and you had a new panty. Can I see the back? Oh! No! I don't want to know why her panty has a big black zipper in the back. I don't mind the top. I think it's aually really beautiful. But I feel like you ran out of time or you ran out of ideas. You sold it short. Literally. Yeah, I didn't want to overpower the hat, a I think that's where I kind of got in my dilemma. This kind of hat, you could have gone a lot further and made a fantastic volume, but also the whole outfit, it's just--it's a little bit weak. Okay. Valerie, tell us about your look. I didn't want it to be too literal. Nor did I want it to be too costume-y. So I chose to use this scoop neckline here, and then the jacket, I wanted to show a little bit of mix of hard and soft. When she takes the jacket off, I feel like it's a very modern take on the scoop, edwardian-style reference. You know, especially with the back. You know, the racerback is very clean, it's very sexy, and then the zipper is just very consistent with the mask. I think it's--it's beautiful. It's actually one of my favorites, because it is soft, but still hard and sexy at the same time. I do love the white little jacket. I like that it has a zipper in the back. And it looks rlly well-made. I like the idea that you have this kind of handkerchief, Stevie nicks kind of hem, but it's actually very geometric and neat. You know, I think it's nice that it's not expected. Right, well, and I figured because the lace was so intricate, to do a lace dress or do something with lots of cutouts would be counterproductive. There's something very mischievous and coquettish about the mask that translatesnto the spirit of your dress. You know, the construction of your jacket and the pattern cutting and how you've made it, it's beautiful. But I really don't understand how--personally, I don't understand where it's coming from. Right. I had thought about an evening dress, but I felt an evening dress would be expected. So kind of wanted to do something a little off-the-cuff and a little more modernized and a little more me. Okay. Okay, we've heard what you had to say. We're gonna have a little chat. And then we'll bring you back out. You can leave the runway. All: Hi. So they loved yours, Michael? They absolutely loved it. The first word that Michael kors said was "harmonious." They all said so much good stuff, I forgot what it was. They didn't say anything bad about it. They just really loved it. They said that the execution was great. Not only does it complement the hat, but even without the hat, someone would look great in it. It feels good. It really feels good to be down there and finally get my crique from them. They didn't like yours? They didn't like yours? No. Christopher, they didn't like yours? None of 'em liked it. They were like--heidi was like, "it makes me feel sad." [Gasps] And they didn't really like the styling. They didn't like the boots. I was really shocked. It's intense being up there, man. Second time in the bottom. How did you articulate? I went towards resort wear, because that's what the hat reminded me of. Don't get teary-eyed. Oh, [Bleep]. What the [Bleep]. It's okay to cry. It's really fine. Well, it's just--it's just-- the thing that upsets me is that I thought that--I was really confident with it, you know. I just felt like it was so me. So that's why I was rely confident. But, yeah, it is what it is. It sucks. Let's talk about the designers that we didn't like so much. Let's talk about Christopher. There was no sense of fragility to what he did at all. In fact, she looked very heavy and leaden. I really think that Christopher thought that this look was really edgy. It looked dated. It looked stiff. It was overly designed. Yeah. And bad taste. Also the girl is possibly the most beautiful, stunning girl, and it made her less beautiful. If there's any plus, there was form to that jacket-vest, whatever you want to call it, but I think if you would have seen that vest worn with something ethereal, without the belt, with something light, I think you would have had something there. Okay, let's talk about Kristin. The design itself, the color, and then the actual fabric and how to execute it, it never came together at all. It looks like she had no plan. The hat looks summery. It looks happy. And the fabric does not look happy. And just because it has strong pink in it doesn't make it happier. This was not joyous. Any positives? Yeah, I think she has some-- brings a different element. She has a talent for her aesthetic. Okay, let's talk about April. She's got the triple-panty problem, which I think the idea is ridiculous, quite frankly. But the jacket I didn't think was that bad. Potentially, if it was all made perfectly, potentially, it's fine, but it is their moment to shine rather than blend. There's something not working. I have to say the only thing that I like about April is she made a top and pants. Even though it didn't work. But she di't go for the little dress. You know, which is more of a safe thing. Okay, let's talk about the designs that we did like. Let's talk about Michael c. There's something very effortless about Michael c's design. You know, the colors, the pulling in that shimmer from the hat, the color of her hair, lipstick, just was really perfect. I think so too. I think Michael c really managed to pull the whole thing together without it matching. I think in mood, in texture, in color... That is the most cohesive. Yes. You know, I mean, it all kind of converged and worked. We also liked Valerie's dress. There's nothing offensive about it. But it's not the most stylish of combinations, personally. We liked it, didn't we? I liked it. I liked the bolero. I think it gave it a little pop of happiness, because it is quite severe. And it's flirty, but it's still a little hard and cool on the top with the white. You know, I actually liked the fact that it looked polished, it looked well-made, it looked well-tailored. It was well-made, and it was well-constructed. I think in this instance I'm happy that she didn't do a black chiffon and lace gown. Yes. Let's talk about Michael drummond. I really love the top. There's something very simple but complicated. The color of that skirt, it's lovely. It's different. It has an originality that I haven't seen everywhere. And how he used the materials and made the fabrications in a day, it's impressive. He definitely played with a lot of different volumes and with different textures. I think that the pleating that he did on the orange skirt, not only did it give you texture and dimension, it also did something great for her body. He's obviously talented. So we've made our decision? Yeah. Okay, let's bring them back out. The six of you had the highest and the lowest scores. One of you will be named the winner, and one of you will be out. One of you ll be named the winner, and one of you will be out. Valerie, you're in. You can leave the runway. Thank you. Thank you very much. Michael costello... You picked the perfect silhouette and material, which made the dress look impeccable and effortless. Michael drummond, your look was gorgeous. It was sophisticated, sharp, and architectural. Michael costello... Congratulations, you are the winner of this challenge. Really? Thank you so much. Thank you. You will also have immunity for the next challenge. You can leave the runway. Thank you. I cried, and I could cry right now, I'm so--you have no idea. I felt like I won the whole season. Hi. Is it you? I won. All: Yay. [Applause] I almost cried, I was so excited. What the [Bleep]? Oh, my God, I said it. What a feeling. Winning this challenge, I think it validates me here to the other designers, and they see Michael is capable of, you know, making a dress. I bust out a whole collection in a half a day. Right. I feel like he is a replicator. He's not a visionary. I want to celebrate. I want to go out tonight. Like, really, Michael c on the top and winning? And me and Gretchen not even being on there? Seriously. Seriously. Michael drummond, you're in. You can leave the runway. Christopher. You're in. You can leave the runway. Thank you. Ya--yay? [Cheers and applause] They can't send you home. You're too fabulous. Yeah, there was no way you were going home for that beautiful outfit. No way. And you're such a handsome boy. Don't use taffeta. [Laughter] We were shocked, 'cause when you were out there, we're all in here going, "you were in the top with these guys." Oh, no. No, no, no. I was not in the top. Kristin... April... One of you will be out. Kristin, you had one of the most fantastic hats to work with. And your mostly black dress was disappointing. It was not complementary to the joyful spirit of the hat. Also the fit was unflattering. April, your look confused us. The triple-panty was completely unflattering and too matchy-matchy to your hat. You had a wow hat to work with. And you gave us a blah outfit. Kristin... I'm sorry. You're out. April, that means you're in. You can leave the runway. Thank you. That's a smile. All: That's a smile. Are you in? Are you in? [Cheers and applause] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm not ready to lose you yet, baby. I'm wearing this tonight then. Oh, gosh, that's gonna be... You and I... Bottom two twice. We cannot... [Imitating] We cannot... [Laughter] Alejandro, no more. Auf wiedersehen. All the best to you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks, Michael. I'm sad that I have to leave, but I'm so happy to really get back to the real world. Yeah, I'm relieved. I'm relieved--I'm relieved to-- it was my time to go. [Sighs] Don't look like that. Well, sit down. Sit down. No, but it was really great, you know, just meeting you all. I think you all are so talented. And I'm so happy for you. Thank you, babe. I'm really happy for you. Thank you, babe. Hi. Hi, Tim. Tim! How are you doing? Kristin. Oh, Tim. Mwah. So I have to send you to the workroom. Yes. To clean up your space. Yes. Okay? Bye, Kristin. All: Bye, Kristin. Bye, honey. This was a great experience, and I'm really happy that I got to be on here. And I'm very confident in my own abilities. You know, it's not the end for me. I mean, this is just the beginning. That was the worst day of my life. That was the worst day of my entire life. If I'm in the bottom one more time, I'm seriously gonna seam-rip my [Bleep] Face off. Yay. Wait a second, we got to talk about the winner here. Michael c? I was so [Bleep] Surprised. I thought he was in the bottom. I saw his dress. It was like a total mermaid thing. It was hideous. I saw it. He asked me my opinion. It looked like mae West. Congratulations on your win. I know. Shocking. But well-deserved. It was two handkerchiefs ruched on a piece of cord and wrapped around. Philip treacy loved my dress. That's so awesome. I just don't like Michael costello's aesthetic. Now we're gonna have to hear about it for days. This apartment needs three damn winners, okay? Deal. Next time on Project Runway... For this challenge, you will be working in two teams of six. All those egos over there just gonna be butting' heads. This is gonna be gathered. I'm lost. Come on, man. [Bleep], I'm [Bleep] Tired. Tell us what you want to do, and then we'll figure out how it all works no, that's not how a team challenge works. It has no design. The colors are ghastly. who is the weakest designer in your group? Someone's going down. That's the truth. [ Female Announcer Over P.A. ] Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport. [ Man Narrating ] Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams, hoping to hitch their wagon to a star. Passport, please. What is the purpose of your visit? - I'm an actor, douche bag. - I'm a psychic superstar. - I'm a documentary filmmaker. - I'm here to win prizes, sweet cheeks. - Are you traveling alone? Uh, no. I've got me mum in here. [ Narrator ] What these three men don't realize... is that fame and fortune are fleeting. It's stupidity that's eternal. Welcome to La La Land. [ Siren Wailing In Distance ] [ Narrator ] In Hollywood, for every fledgling actor, there's an expert waiting to help. In preparation for an industry party tonight, Gary is meeting with a networking coach. [ Man ] You're an actor, correct? [ Gary ] Yeah. Okay, your goal is to improve yourself with your networking... and further your acting career. And I've been in show business. I've done acting, modeling, uh- - I was even a dancer. I've done comedy, hosting, directing. If it can be done in show business, I've done it. And there's two things that I've, um, learned. Only two things, after all that? I've learned- - No. [ Chuckles ] Don't sass me is lesson number one. Um-- Don't what- - Sorry. You're American, and I don't know all the lingo. What did you say, "sense"? - Sass me. It's like talking back. - All right. "Sass." - Yeah. Sass me. - I should- - I need to learn things like that. You need to-- "Don't sass me. " It sounds quite cool. Okay. And I don't know yet if you can act. I don't-- You know, I haven't seen you perform, you know, as an actor. - Can you do different accents? - Can do American. Okay. Please. All right, man. I'm American, man. Okay. That's not the way every American speaks. - I'm Gary, man. No. N-No. Forget the "man." - I was born in London, man. - Forget the "man." Don't say "man." That helps me do the American thing. Don't do it. I just said don't do it. If your director tells you not to do something, are you going to keep doing it? - You would be out the door by now. - Don't sass me. [ Shirley ] You know Medium? [ Chico ] Medium. Yes. Do you know that show? Okay, imagine that with me and a private investigator. That's why I'm gonna team up with this P.I., Chico. And you know what? I think this could be great news for me, because it will show people that I can solve crimes, Chico. Come on. Can you go any faster? I need to do a toilet. I need to wee. Have you got somewhere I can do a wee? Sorry? Have you got somewhere I can do a wee? I'm sorry? Have you got somewhere where I can do a wee? You can do "away"? Can do a wee. I'm sorry? Have you got somewhere where I can do a wee? "Do a whey"? Sorry. It must be the culture clash. Yes. Have you got somewhere I can do a wee? "Do a wee"? Do a wee. A pee. A "pay"? A-A pee. Oh, oh, a pee. You need to use the restroom. Yes. That's the idea. Toilet, you say. Hi. Come with me. We're gonna go ahead and meet Allen. I'm gonna take you back to our office right now. This is Shirley. Hi, Shirley. Nice to meet you. Allen. You ever work with a psychic before? No, not yet. What I would do in this is, I would take care of the psychic side. Yeah. You would take care of the- Investigation side. Yeah. i - Investigation side. But we could help each other. - 100%. Hey, can you bring that new case in? So- - Thank you. The information's here. Um, she's suspecting the husband is cheating. She thinks that he is cheating because he's working late hours. How long have they been married for? - A while. Uh, she said that it's not normal for him to be working late. I mean, do you feel something in this picture? I feel that she could do better than him. I do. No. Do you not? - [ Stammers ] I agree with you totally. - From just the way he looks-- receding hair, he's trying to make up for what he's losing here... here. [ Narrator ] After two weeks in Los Angeles, filmmaker Brendan has yet to secure funding for any of his documentaries. Undeterred, he hopes to convince producer Jeff Schubert-- Jeff Schubert- to back his latest idea. How you doin'? Jeff Schubert. Nice to meet you. What about a climbing documentary? Two guys, climbing buddies. Uh, they go up a kind of an- an icy-- icy mountain. Um, one of them takes a tumble. I'm close enough to get the cracks of the bones, the blood splattering on the lens. And they have to live off their own piss for a week before they're even found. Now this is scripted, right? No, actually doing that. So you would have to randomly wait and see someone die? Well, not necessarily die, 'cause I think it'd be nice... if there was a nice, upbeat ending-- Right. where maybe they get found at the last minute. But how would they be in this much peril and be on camera? I'm gonna film it. B- - But for the audience's sake, you know, you're going on this documentary... to film these two guys climbing- - Exactly. Oh, by the way, one of them- this happened to happen. Yes. And then you're in a situation- It'll look like an accident-- It needs to look like an accident, otherwise I'm gonna be in a lot of legal shit. Right. 'Cause they'll be able to say, "He tampered with the ropes." Right. Right. It'll look like an accident. Boom. This is what just happened to happen. And boom, and then you're filming it- That could work. Absolutely. Okay, so you're gonna have a strategy here. You have this event tonight. Is it a party, is it- - A party, yeah. Are you going alone? I can get, what-- a hooker or something? No. - Well, it's easy. I'll bring someone sexy. I can hire someone. - You don't hire somebody. You ask somebody. Tell me what you're wearing tonight or what you plan on wearing. This means I'm looking at it? Okay. Does it have inside pockets? No. Where would you carry your résumé? In my back- - I'll get the hooker to carry it. [ Chuckles ] You're getting a f-- I'll get the lady assistant to carry it. Thank you. A lady assistant and she can carry stuff. She can carry all of it. Tell her to carry a purse, put it-- And I'll be like, "You. Give him a thing." No. No. Come up and give me your introduction. You want to present yourself to me in two minutes. I'm Gary Garner, the best extra in the world ever. Bish, bash, bosh. [ Clicks Tongue ] Okay, no. "I'm Gary Garner. " "I'm Gary Garner." "I just came from London." Think of something. "I just came from London." I'm Gary Garner. I'm here 'cause I wanna be the best actor ever. That's better. Keep going. I'm hoping, with your help, I might be able to get there. Fantastic! That's what you say! Write it down. Write it down right now. It's your script. What was it? Fantastic. "I'm Gary Garner." Was it the bish, bash, bosh one you liked? No. You know which- - Come on. I really want to get inside him, 'cause I do remote viewing. I can get actually into that person and start seeing the world through their eyes. Okay. [ Breathing Irregularly ] Okay. [ Whispers ] Oh, yes. [ Grunting ] Oh, I'm in. I can feel him. Um- - I'm in Starbucks. Wait a minute. I'm having coffee. Don't like coffee. Oh. I'm eating a pastrami sandwich. Oh, I'm gonna commit a crime. My loins have got- - Sex in my loins. I wanna get rid of it. Ah, Mexican. Mexican! Oh! Oh, it won't get out! [ Sucking Air ] Why won't the gas come out? I can't- - You go away- - With an erect-- [ Gasps, Exhales ] - You all right? - Yeah. I could see him. You saw our subject? He was- - I was in him. - That's what he's doing now? - What did he say? Gettin' coffee and some type of pastrami sandwich, and you mentioned something about an erection that you're trying to get down. I'm not sure what that means. I don't know, but let me take some notes right now. Oh, fine. Oh, shit. I've wet myself. Oh, fuckin' hell. You had an orgasm? I don't know how we can tell if that is-- I don't think- - Well, I don't wanna tell. [ Narrator ] Encouraged by producer Jeff Schubert's interest, Brendan has decided to invest... his five-year-old son's school fund in his climbing documentary... and begin filming immediately. [ Brendan ] You know, if you're gonna climb, at some point, you're gonna fall, and if I'm there to catch the fall, we make some bloody money. I'm not saying- - I don't want anybody to bloody die, Kiki. Can I say this for the record? In fact, you should get this on camera. Film this. Uh, you rolling? [ Kiki ] Mm-hmm. I want nothing bad to happen to these climbers, and if anything should happen- a tumble, a fall or a slip-- I would just like to say, for the record, that I am not for that. That is bad, and I do not agree with any documentary maker what does that. Brendan's a good boy. Can you say that? "Chenna" good boy. Brilliant. [ Narrator ] Over in the Hollywood Hills, Gary is spending time at the home of veteran film star Ruta Lee. Ruta is mentoring Gary through his career switch from cabdriver to actor. Come here. You've had a busy day today. - Yes. You're off to do this wonderful mee t-and-greet tonight. Yes. Right. Yeah. There will be quite a few people there, I understand. Can you give me, like, stories so I can- - No. No. I cannot. What's the best story you know? It has to be a story out of your own life. I've got a story. I went- - You'll love this. Mickey, my mate Mickey-- I went out with Mickey and Tony and the boys, and we- - We was at this ribs place. Do you have like a ribs place where you can have a bib and, like, you eat the ribs? I goes off to toilet for, you know, jimmy piss. Come back, and they-- [ Laughing ] They put their ribs on top of mine, so mine's like double. And I'm like, "What have you done?" And they're all lookin' at me like, "Gary!" Gary, don't tell that story. It is so frigging boring. It's a good story. Come on. Just how thrilled you are-- When I tell that story at a pub, everyone's like, "How many ribs?" I'm like, "This high. " You keep forgetting... - that these people are pros-- - Yeah. who are not the least bit interested in your stack of ribs. [ Narrator ] On his way to meet the climbers, Brendan is drawing on his own life experience... for a unique angle to his documentary film. [ Brendan ] I mean, I think what's great about these two guys... is you've got the old guy, and you've got the young guy. Father and a son. I mean, it's universal. Everyone gets the old man, the young boy. The boy learning from the old man. The boy getting trained by the old man. The old man taking a fall. I mean, I'm not saying- - We'll sort something out. Hi. Hi. Brendan Allen. I'm Bob. - Bob. - Tony Sartin. How you doin'? Fine. How are you? Good, good. Just imagine Kiki's not there. Uh, can you hold on to this? All right. Just pop it in your pocket. I think I need it. And if you get a quiet moment, if you can just start scratching' through the ropes. [ Brendan ] Okay, quiet now, because I do my narration live. Okay. Uh-- "The two pals talked happily about the up-and-coming climb." Tony, if you wanna T.R. one of those routes on the right side-- Yeah? I'll belay you, and then I could rappel off the top. That sounds good. That'll work. "There was nothing about the day that seemed out of the ordinary. "Everything seemed perfectly fine. You could say eerily fine." We're goin' over here. We're gonna do a drive-by of the residence. We are just arriving at-- - Let me see that. I need to make my notes. ...driving by the residence. [ Allen ] The residence that we're watching is right down the street here. Shall I say that into that? No. [ Allen ] So if a Dodge Dart's gonna pull out, we're gonna see. You can't miss it. Where's the Dart gonna go though? That way or this way? We don't know that. [ Belches ] Oh, my God. So- - Sorry, that's spirit coming out. Did you see that recent documentary... they did on Pink Floyd? No, I didn't see it. Is that marijuana you're smoking right now? Yeah, just- - Put that out right now. Put that out. I'm drivin'. He's talking about Floyd. I don't care. I'm drivin'. Put that fuckin' thing out. [ Allen ] There he goes, right there. [ Shirley ] There he goes. i - Oh, my God! - No, just stay still. What are you doin'? Flippin' 'ell! He just went right by us. Yeah. Come on. Turn around. We are turning around. Whoa, man! What are you doing? You're not smokin' pot in here, dude. I'm not gonna get in fuckin' trouble because of you. [ Shirley ] He's turning right. Just let me do the right bit. Let me do the right bit. Uh-- "Subject is turning right." Let me see this. - Do you want me to do driving and you sit here? I just have- - No, you're- - You're fine right-- No one- - Neither one of us are doing anything. Yeah, you are. You're on that, you've got the video camera. We're fine right now. Oh, shit. Here he is. You don't- - Don't duck. You look obvious. Don't do that. He's gonna think that you're givin' me head right now, actually. Because if I get pulled over and a cop smells that, I might get in trouble. It's against the law. We're in fuckin' America, dude. [ Belching ] Oh, my God! Hey. No, out the- - No! - Have you got a bag? - Hold on. Don't do it. [ Screaming ] Hey. Wait, wait. Don't- - Hey, hey, hey! Have you got a tissue? Why'd you let me open up my mouth? You're gonna make me fuckin' throw up. Have you got a tissue? - What the fuck? - [ Retching ] You're fuckin' up the case. [ Narrator ] On the advice of his networking coach, Gary has hired a personal assistant to accompany him to tonight's event. I've got a couple of stories. What's the story? You tell me which one you think's best. Do you have ribs places here where you have like a bib? Uh-huh. Right. Mickey and Colin and all my mates--- I was, you know, havin' a jimmy piss, and they put all their ribs on top of mine. - Like this massive pile of ribs. - Uh-huh. And I'm like, "You bastards! You've gone and put all the ribs!" What's the other story? Um, my mate Mickey, back at home, he had a thingy-- Uh, what's it- - Vasectomy? When you don't wanna have anymore kids. He's already had kids. Vasectomy. Okay. What? A vasectomy? That's it. [ Laughing ] He was in the hospital-- Sorry, I-- I'm not sure like that would be the most appropriate subject to talk about... with people that you don't know, you know? [ Brendan ] "It was a perfect day. "Blue sky above, green grass below. "The very earth itself seemed to be rejoicing, and the love shared between the old man and the boy"-- Just not used to being called "the o man." Well, that surprises me, 'cause you are gettin' on a bit, aren't you? Okay. And would you say, um, your relationship with Bob-- he's kind of guided u, he's helped you in a sort of fatherly way? Uh, I don't see it that way. He's like a father figure to you, isn't he? No, he's not! You're wrong! Well, he clearly is. - This guy's seven or eight years older than me. We're almost the same age. Sorry, Bob, could you - - He's finding it difficult to answer this, 'cause you're stood right in his eyeline. It has nothin' to do with that. Yeah, it does. Don't tell me what it has to do, all right? I'm a director. You're a climber. You know what I'm thinkin' in my head now? Yes, I do. I can see it in your eyes. Fuck you. Don't be silly, all right? Fuck you. Don't be silly, man. Don't you fuckin' tell me what's goin' on in my fuckin' head! Right, Bob. Can you stop doing this? Get out. Go to the back of the car, Bob. He's still guiding you like a bloody father now, isn't he? "Bob was like a father to Tony." - Bullshit. i - He is like a father to you. He's your boss. - Bullshit. This is my story, all right? It's father and son-- It's not father and son, dipshit. But you're about to go on a climb. I'm just tryin' to build the thing here. But Bob's no different from any of the other 50 guys. Bob looks like he's 70 years old. He says you look 70, Bob! 70! If you don't wanna do this, just say you don't wanna do it, 'cause this is just stupid. Guess what? Let's not do it. Oh, man. How babyish. What are you doing? Can you calm him down? Talk to him, as a dad to a son. Tell him! He's your son. You speak to him. [ Bob ] You're the one who's caused all the problems today. Get- - Look at him. [ Tony ] Hang on. Stop being a dick, mate. Just stop being an idiot. Hey, let go of me! All right? Stop being an idiot. Hey, dude, if you wanna get climbing-- Oh, don't "Hey dude" me, you old bastard. [ Narrator ] At the networking party, Gary is finally getting his chance to work a room. I'm Gary. Gary Garner. Gary Garner. Um- - I'm gonna be the best actor in Hollywood. I might be able to help you. Sounds great. Oh, I'll just do a story. Me- - I was with my mate Mickey. We went out for some ribs. I went off to the toilet, and I come back-- I had like three or four stacks of ribs. They put all their ribs back on top of the other ribs. A whole load of ribs, all on top of each other. - Uh-huh. I'm like, "Who done that to my ribs?" Geez. [ Chuckling ] So there's a massive stack of ribs. I'm like, "What the fuck have you done?" [ Laughing ] [ Mina ] Could we just stop with the rib story? Please. Please. Please. What? Why? It's not funny. It's not funny. You have to have been there. It's not funny. People are looking at you like, "What else has he got?" My mate Mickey, he-- he was in hospital, and he had a- - What is it called? Vasectomy. You know what? And he was layin' in the hospital bed. And his dick came up. Like not erect, but like it's gonna be a semi, and the nurse was like, "Hey, get down!" And she flicked the end of his helmet. It was like- - You know when you put salt on top of a slug and it retracts back? I'm the best actor, and how can I help you? You fucked up big time. Oh, man. You have smoked pot in the car- - No, I didn't smoke pot in the car. Threw a joint. He threw a joint. Don't film this. Do not film this. I apologize. And admit what you did. I'm sorry. Right? I'm sorry, and I admit that what I did is wrong. Here. All right? Big meet in the climbing store. Go to the climb. Look, if you just call him back, we can get this. And that's what I wanted you like-- old times. But it's not gonna happen. Fine. We haven't got that bit now. [ Bob ] A piggyback ride? Yeah. You haven't got that bit, so we can cancel that bit. i - Can we just do the climb? - What's this, all this-- [ Mock Groan ] That's nothing. Well, let's take a look. No, it just ends- We can end it with you climbing. Cheers. Cheers. And, uh, what's- - And you- - So, you can put me in the movies and all that? I- - I do- - I do producing for movie, yeah. And, uh, we are set to start shooting at the end of this year. And if it needs to be, then we get our lawyers together and we sign the contract. Mm-hmm. Yes. All right. Okay. Those two guys are not shit. [ Gary ] They said they might help me with a film. That's bullshit. Everybody in L.A. wants to help you with a fucking film. Take a look at the guy's watch. The watch is not more than $200. Well, let's go out then, front him out. No. No! This is not how we do it in L. A. You don't front people out. These two guys are gonna get your fucking money, fuck you in the ass and say good-bye. Come on. Get me a drink. Oh, God. Oh, God. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. [ Narrator ] Shirley and private investigator Allen Horner... have trailed the suspected adulterer to a Mexican restaurant in Studio City. Okay. We're here now. So what can you do for the kit? Like, what are you- What would you do as a psychic? I've got an idea. From spirit. This is from spirit, so I'm using psychic power. Spirit is saying to me- What about I go in-- What are you gonna do? You gonna roost the place? We're not supposed to be seen, heard, nothing else. He's here for a reason, and we're gonna find out what that reason is. I can tell you why he's here, 'cause she been saying to me- to meet a lady. Okay. Okay. Then why are you doing anything outside the vehicle? He's gonna meet a lady. [ Shirley ] Because you're- Let's get in there and get him. Do what? Fuckin' have dinner with the fucker? Right. Can you just stop this, because why are you on the-- You're allowed the camera, the little Dictaphone thing. You've got the car. What have I got? All I'm getting to do is channel spirit. Is that what you- - That's what you do. I-- You're a psychic. I'm a private investigator. I'm going in. Right. I'm going in. Are you receiving me? [ Over Walkie-Talkie ] Get back in the car. Okay, I just passed suspect, and I am observing and recording. Suspect is on telephone. Suspect is waiting at table. Are you hearing me? [ Walkie-Talkie Beeps ] We knew subject was sittin' at the table fuckin' an hour ago. Yeah, he's- - Guys. Can I just say-- I've just been speaking to Mina, right? Yes, sir. And your watch is worthless. It's less than $200, Mina's saying. It's rubbish. And you're leading me down a garden path, going, "Oh, yeah. We're gonna sort this out for you, Gary." And it's bullshit. Don't disrespect me in that type of way if you don't know who the hell I am. And let's be honest about that. Okay? I've worked very hard for this shit. I invested millions of dollars in fuckin' movies! I could get you 30 people right now who will kick your ass right now... that work for me! I know Bill Clinton! I didn't bring in the Rolex or anything... because I didn't wanna impress anybody about this shit! I don't believe in this. You know me. - I don't believe it. And this is better. This is not what-- That's my drink. We're- - We're actually out of here, guys, 'cause we've got things to do, all right, with real people who can actually help us, right? Please stop talking. Stop talking. Gary, let's go. You are never going to make it by being that fucking honest. They are idiots, though, and I've told 'em they're idiots. Oh, my God. But you cannot say that! It's better if you're honest. You don't wanna lie to people. You wanna tell the truth. Then you're in the wrong industry. You are in the wrong industry... if you think you're gonna succeed in any way, shape or form. I'm sorry, Mina. Please. Mina. You're in the wrong fucking industry. I am going in. Wish me luck. [ Italian Accent ] Everything all right with your food, yes? Everything all right with your food? Everything. Thank you. Great. Everything all right with your food here? Great. Everything all right with your food here? [ Indistinct ] Okay. I'm the manager of the restaurant. Luigi. Okay. All right, babe. How 'bout a photograph? [ Man ] Sure. Hold on. Is, uh- - Always do the photograph for Luigi. Here. Okay. No! Okay. [ Allen ] This is fuckin' bullshit. Can I see the photograph? No! Can I just see the photograph here? No, no, no! Can I- - Don't-- I need the photograph. I need to- - All right. Come on. Okay. If I don't get the photograph, there's gonna be troub here tonight. There's gonna be trouble? Yeah. Okay. All right. That did not bloody work. Do not come to my car. Do not come to my car. Pardon? I cannot hear you. I'm not getting a loud transmission from you. [ Ov Walkie-Talkie ] Do not come to my car. Walk away from my car. Why did you get in my car? Right. I did-- My car won't start right now. Oh, shit. What did you mean, your car's not gonna start? For some reason, it's dead. The fuckin' battery's dead. [ Shirley ] Lock the doors. Lock the doors now, please! Get out there and just- - No! Get out there and fight him. I ain't gonna fight nobody. We have got case solved. He kissed me on the lips, with my tongue and everything. Did you or did you not see me get a photograph of him and me kissing? I saw you fuckin' out there, lookin' like a fuckin' jackass. Why are you bullying' on me? I'm not bullying you. You're fuckin' making yourself look like an idiot. I am not an idiot. I'm a psychic, and you're afraid of me. You're a psychic? You're a psychic? What the fuck did you do this last fuckin' hour that was so fuckin' psychic? Right. I'm sorry. Okay? I apologize. Just- - Just do what you would do. [ Tony ] Okay. I'm gonna go set up the rope. Kiki. Come on. - Can I do a quick interview? - Okay. Let's go over there. Bob? Kiki. Have you got it? I'm gonna lower the rope down. Why don't we go and do an interview over here. Okay. [ Brendan ] So, uh-- Um- - What- - How would you feel if you lost Bob? [ Tony ] I don't think he would think of it more as losing a son. [ Brendan ] Well, he already said it was like losing a son. - [ Clears Throat ] The other one, Kiki. - [ Tony ] So we're ready? Head down? Yeah, head down. Cool. Kiki, can you cut through the-- - Hey, Brendan. What are you doing? - No. Everything's fine. What was Kiki doing? - Nothing. I've told-- got Kiki to stop doing-- She's just-- doesn't know what she's doing. What did she do? Nothing. [ Tony ] I don't know what you did up there. [ Kiki ] Oh, they come. Right, Kiki, that's yours. Pop it in your pocket. No, the-- the knife. Hi, guys. Can we turn off the camera for a sec, please? If we do-- Are you the director? Yes. What's your name? Uh, Brendan Allen. They're responsible for their own safety. When someone tampers with their safety- I haven't touched anything. [ Tony ] You know if I fall and this anchor fails, and you guys fuck with the anchor, it's murder and it's a conspiracy. [ Bob ] Let's ask Kiki. Let's ask- - Kiki, what did you do? No, let's not ask Kiki. [ Tony ] We're talkin' murder one, dude. What were you doing, Kiki? Were you doing anything? What have you been doing, Kiki, with that? Kiki? It's a knife. [ Bob ] I did see Brendan give that knife to her down below. No. Wh- - Why? I saw you. What're you saying that for? 'Cause it's true. You're tryin' to ruin my film. I could give a fuck about your film, man. You sound like a real fuckin' prick too. Oh. I'm just tryin' to make a movie! All I'm trying to do is psychically get your car started. [ Engine Cranking ] Okay. [ Engine Cranking ] [ Gasping ] Come on. Start the car! Just start the car. Start-- Little more, buddy. Are we going? Yeah. Not fucking yet. Come on. Pop the hood and I'll fiddle around and see if I can pull some things off. No, I'm fine. I'm gonna jump it the right way. Honestly. Come on. No. Okay. Look at me. Look at me. And sleep. No. 'Scuse me. Can I get a pint of lager? Yes. Please? Thank you. [ Inaudible ] Thank you for coming back. I really, really appreciate it. I have faith in you. Really? Yes. She's got faith in me. [ Inaudible ] - Mate, I am so sorry. - Well, how about shaking hands? i - How 'bout shaking hands? Let's shake hands. - I'm sorry, man. That's fine. Peace. Peace. I'm sorry. All right. Right, I'm gettin'- - Drinks are on me! Everyone just put your order in. - Who's mad, man? [ Indistinct ] - [ All Laughing ] Hey, listen. [ Inaudible ]... and we go to Vegas. - [ Inaudible ] - [ All Laughing ] Have you- - Have you ever been to one of those ribs places, where they wear the bibs? 'Cause- - Oi. Listen to this. You're not- - You won't believe this. I was in one of those ribs places where they have the bibs, right? Anyhow, I'm there with my mate Mickey. Mickey was there. He's got-- I go off to the toilet, right, and I come back, and-- [ Laughing ] the ribs are stacked right up high. Three times high! [ Laughing ] Here's to Mickey. /Stories of time before man and /gods, when Titans ruled the earth. /The Titans were powerful... /...but their reign was /ended by their own sons... /... Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. /Zeus convinced his brother Hades... /...to create a beast so strong /it could defeat their parents. /And from his own flesh... /... Hades gave birth to /an unspeakable horror... /...the Kraken. /Zeus became king of the heavens. /Poseidon, king of the seas. /And Hades, tricked by Zeus... /...was left to rule the underworld /in darkness and in misery. /It was Zeus who created man... /...and man's prayers fed /the gods' immortality. /But in time, mankind grew restless. /They began to question the gods... /...and, finally, rise up against them. /Into this world, a child was born. /A boy who would change everything. Shh. Shh. Perseus. What is it, son? I'll have a brother or a sister soon. Think we're gonna love this child differently to the way we love you? We won't. This child will be yours. Me I'm no one's son. I am your father, Perseus. Marmara is your mother. And you'll always be our son. The bond between us is much more than flesh and bone. The love we have for you it's that love that gods and kings fight over. I've never understood the gods. But even I don't question that you were saved for a reason. And some day that reason is gonna take you far away from here. But not tonight, eh? Perseus. Perseus! Getting frail, old man. Marmara! Marmara! Another day, nothing. Caught on the reef. To whom do I direct our gratitude for this glorious bounty? Spyros, please. Poseidon, Zeus? Who do I thank, Marmara? - Thank the men who provoke them. They crush my island. They put a plague on yours. They take from us what they want. We're their slaves. The gods gave us life. - For that, we should be thankful. - I'm tired of being thankful for scraps. I'm a fisherman. Perseus is a fisherman. They've even taken that away from us. What we are. Still they want us to love them anyway. One day somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say: "Enough." Just like the day you came to me. The storm brought me right to you. I know you have questions, son. I wish I had the answers. I have everything I need right here. Good night, son. Hold her steady! Tekla, the wreath. Fetch the wreath. The statue of Zeus. Magnificent. Something isn't right. The soldiers, what are they doing? Come on! Lift it! Hang on! In the name of the king and queen! Who are they? Soldiers from Argos. What have they done? They've declared war. War against the gods. - Let's turn the boat around. No. Do nothing. Behind you! Hold on! Tekla. Where's the boy? Tekla! No! Go! - No! No! /Zeus, you must bring an end to /this. They attack our temples! /Now they dare to desecrate Zeus' image. /We could reach out to them. /An accommodation /could be made. A truce! No! I created them and they reward my love with defiance? There will be no truce. Finally. Some rage from you. How long has it been? How long, brother since you've seen my face? Hades. Endless years, I've watched from the underworld and saw your wrath tempered with love. You created them for one reason so their prayers would fuel our immortality. But you love them too well. They've grown strong. And now I am forced to rise because we are all threatened. What do you want, brother? Let me loose upon them. They will pray again and you will bathe in their awe and fear. And we will grow strong again. He belongs in the underworld, not here. You do not tell me where I belong. You say it is love that feeds us. But you depend on their love. I've only learned to live on their fear their pain. Zeus, our brother speaks the truth. Hear him. Go. Do what you will. Father, we need the mortals. No, Apollo. Hades is right. Their insolence has a price. Like children, they need to be reminded of the order of things. Set an example, brother. Turn them on each other and back into our arms. - Are we the last boat to come in? No, captain. You're the only one. Is he one of ours? No. We found him off Paxos amongst our dead. He was the only survivor. Let the palace figure out what to do with him. Squad by four! Go on. Because if we show the gods our love they shall show us love in return. They shall. They gave us the corn in the fields, the sun in the sky. These are all gifts given to us. Gifts can be taken away. This will be taken away if we do not pay love to our gods. If we do not, we stay in filth and misery, which we have brought upon ourselves. Move. Out of the way. Our gods, we beg for the whip... The beauty and clarity of servitude. Man cannot rule man. You defy the gods and you will be punished. Is this all there is? We lost many men, Your Majesty but we have victory. To King Kepheus! To Queen Cassiopeia! No. To you our mighty legion. Our heroes who have dared to strike a blow at the heart of Zeus! The temples are burning. The statues have fallen. We have starved them of our prayers. Tonight after a generation of struggle the sun does not set over the ocean. It sets on Olympus itself. A new era has begun. The era of man! That frown doesn't suit you, Andromeda. Have something to drink. You'll feel more lively. Andromeda. What's your name? Perseus. Take this. Please drink. Hands off. Enough. Our daughter, the missionary. Have you seen what's happening out there? Have you even bothered to look? We serve as an inspiration. Hundreds of our men have lost their lives yet we celebrate. You provoke the gods and you act as if there will be no consequence. Well, what do you want? Should we be afraid? Should we be trembling and soiling ourselves in fear? The gods need us. They need our worship. What do we need of them? - Look at my daughter. - Don't. What could be more divine than her face? More beautiful than all the women of Greece. More beautiful than Aphrodite herself. The Olympians should envy her. - We are the gods now. - My queen. You're making a spectacle. Interesting. You! You are specks of dust beneath our fingernails. Your very breath is a gift from Olympus. You have insulted powers beyond your comprehension. Who are you? I am Hades. Kneel. Not now, Perseus. You will have your chance. What do you know of beauty? What is more beautiful than death? Gaze upon me, mortal queen. Mother. Princess. In 10 days when the sun is eclipsed I will unleash the Kraken. Argos will be swept from the earth and all of you with it. Unless you sacrifice the princess you so foolishly compare to the gods. Only her blood will sate the Kraken and Zeus who you have so offended. Choose your penance, Argos. Destruction or sacrifice. This is the will of Zeus. The will of your father. There is a demigod in Argos. That is impossible. He's yours. His name is Perseus. We could offer him sanctuary. Have I heard his prayers? This son knows no love for me. He's no different from any of the others who have turned their backs on us. For the last time, demigod, speak! - I'm not a demigod. - Who are you? Why were you sent? I don't know. I advise against this, sire. - He's not to be trusted. - What would you have me do? Draco. Leave him. Is it possible? If it's true you are the son of Zeus you can save us. You must save us. I can't save you. I'm just a man. My lord, as terrible as it is to utter the words a sacrifice is the only way. Don't even say the word. He's right. No one should have to die for me. Let Perseus go. Sire, we need to get the princess out of the city now. - I'll find a place to hide her. - You can't hide from Hades. So says the bastard son of a god. My father was killed by a god. My mother, sister everyone I loved was killed by a god. I mend nets not wield a sword. So, demigod, you have a visitor. She says she knows you. My name is lo, Perseus. And how do you know me? I've watched you all your life. I guided you to your family. Are you a god? There are gods and there are men and there are those of us who are in between. Many years ago I refused a god's advance. I was cursed with agelessness. That's not much of a curse. I've lived for years watching my loved ones die. I imagine you're sympathetic to that plight. Is it true? Am I the son of Zeus? Yes. The story of your birth began with the rebellion of King Acrisius. /Mankind had grown tired of the /gods' mistreatment and cruelty. /Acrisius led a siege on Olympus. /It is said the other gods... /...wanted to simply lay waste /to Acrisius and his army... /...but Zeus loved man too much. /Instead, he chose to make /an example of Acrisius. /He disguised himself as the king... /...and visited the chamber where /the king's wife was sleeping. My king. Zeus? /Acrisius grew mad with rage. He ordered the execution of his wife and Zeus' newborn son. I curse you, Zeus. I deny you the body you soiled and the bastard child with it! No! The queen and her child were cast into the sea. Your mother was killed, but you part man, part god, you lived. I've watched over you ever since waiting for the day when you will help bring an end to the tyranny of the gods. You were born to kill the Kraken. I don't know why I was born or what I am. But I know it's not the Kraken I wanna kill. How do I get to Hades? If the Kraken falls Hades will be weak enough for you to strike a deathly blow. Only then will you have the revenge you seek. Then they better release me. If the Kraken can be killed the Stygian witches will know how. The witches are further away than the legion has ever been. No man can go there. No man. Keep your distance, lo. Zeus, forgive us for these affronts and protect us. And you still believe they're going to help? This is suicide. And the shields. Come on, boys. It's a lost cause. We've no chance, and you know it. Here's who you drew into this, Perseus. An honor guard. Young men who look good on a reviewing stand and old soldiers, heading towards retirement. Do you know what the Kraken is? The Kraken is the end of us. A colossal, elemental beast. It doesn't think. It doesn't feel. Even the gods fear it. - And you, you're going to kill it? - Don't come. - I don't need your help. - Of course not. You're the son of Zeus. - But we have orders. Come, we need to leave! Gentlemen, may our journey be long, filled with agony and torment and may we all complain about it bitterly as old men. - So what should we bring? - Bring everything. What makes you think the witches will tell us anything? Oh, they'll tell us, or I'll kill them too. Come on. Let's go, boys. - What is this? - Just leave it. Don't leave us to the mercy of the gods! Please. Don't go. Please stay! Stay here. Please? Please? Help us. You're just going to make the gods angrier. Please. Just sacrifice the princess! Watch your mouth! Stay back. Stay back! You'd think they might be thankful. You cannot desert us! Maybe they're tired of being thankful. Good news! My brother and I have decided to accompany you on your journey. - We have enough strangers here. We can be of great help to you, trust me. You'll need us. I need soldiers, not hunters. Which one of your soldiers knows how to cut the impenetrable skin of the Nemean lion? Which one of them knows the soft points on a centaur's armor? Which one of them knows which jugular to slice on a five-headed Hydra? - The middle one. - The middle one. Good guess. My brother and I, we know how to kill. - We enjoy it. - Lf you can keep up and you don't mind dying, come along. It is death who should be afraid of us. King Acrisius. There is no Acrisius. Just Calibos. We have an enemy in common. - Zeus. - Zeus. My brother. What do you want from me? Zeus' seed in your wife survived. The child of your shame. Perseus. He lives? You murdered your wife for nothing. Now Perseus hurls himself from Argos to destroy me. He must die. - What would you have me do? - Zeus must think I serve him but I am growing stronger. Until I possess my full power you will be my weapon. Come. Use this. Kill Perseus for me. And I'll destroy Zeus for you. I serve you. The boy will die. How far is it? Four days to the witches. Four days? I'm tired already. Here, use this. Would you like us to wait? Oops. You really are a fisherman. You should've seen my father. You. Bring your weapon. Have you handled a sword before? - There's been no need. - I see. Left foot forward. Your motions should be fluid. The weapon is a part of you. Like the sting on a wasp. Stay focused. Know what's around you. Keep your balance at all times. You fall you die. Get up. Don't... There is a god in you. Be sure to bring it. End of lesson. Perseus. A gift from the gods. - Forged on Olympus. - Why? Just accept it. I can do this as a man. So it's yours. Gentlemen, retrieve our savior. Shh. The Pegasus. No man has ever ridden one. It's a message. They're watching us. Perseus! Perseus! Perseus! Why does it always have to be...? - Shh! Listen. Help me! Help me! You reek of your father. - Who was that? - I don't know. Let's ask him. Let it go. No. We split up. Just follow the blood. Come on! Look! His blood. Are you happy now? Attack! Wait! Wait! What is that? Come on! Lxas! Spear! Draco! Faster! Let's go, let's go! Go, jump! Run! Back up! Back up! Back up! There's more! - Run! Everyone. Back to back! Stand your ground. Three more! In the name of the gods, they're bigger. What are they? Djinn. I fought them in the legion. This is their desert. - Enemies? - I thought so. They aren't human. Not anymore. Desert conjurers, cutthroats. - Well, somebody should thank them. What? - What is it? - Venom. From Hades. - Pray. Pray to Zeus for strength. - No. No. Pray to your damn father. Hear my prayer. Protect and heal your son. - No. Please, Zeus, hear me. Would you like some bread? Thank you. Thank you. - Please. Have some bread. Over here. Over here. - For you. - Please. No. We must turn our hearts to Hades! It is the only way! Brothers and sisters! Come to me! Come! I have the way out of our misery. Hades has asked for the princess. Sacrifice one for the life of the city. Why do they remain silent while we suffer? Why do they guard the woman whose death will save us? Is she better than any one of you? We have long worshiped Zeus in Argos. But it is Hades who now offers us salvation. We must pray to the one who showed us our sin and who offers us redemption through blood. A bribe for the ferryman. When they get injured in battle they replace their limbs with charwood and black magic. They feel no pain. Live hundreds of years. So how old is that one? I don't care. I don't trust them. You're burning. Drink this. I'll get more water. Come on! Look out! What? What's he saying? The Djinn have waited many years for the one who will free them from the gods. - He says he is no friend of the humans. - You don't say. But the only way we can help Perseus is together. Draco. Look. Together. - He's not ready to travel. - Time is slipping away, lo. - He may be a demigod, but he's still mortal. - Feeling better? - Yeah, a bit. - Good. Your pride is killing my men. - You were given gifts. Use them. - Those gifts are a trap! - I don't care what they are. Use them. - No. I will not use that sword or anything that they give me! So we'll just continue to die. I can't become like them. If I do this, I do it as a man. But you are not just a man. I choose to be. A man cannot do this, Perseus. According to who? The gods? If I had your gifts... When you need your sword, it's in my bag. They're riding them. They tried to kill us. I'm not getting on it. Magnificent. What are you waiting for? Well, we need to make up for lost time. We're making good time. Not good enough. The eclipse is drawing near. How close are we to the Norn Mountains? It'll be two days before we reach the witches. This thing is making me feel sick. Trust me, it's better to be on one than in one. What, don't you ever smile? When I spit in the eyes of the gods then I'll smile. - What is this place? - The Garden of Stygia. This is where the Kraken defeated the Titans. It's what Argos will look like when we fail. Every step we take is an insult to the gods. - Good. - Perseus. Only ask what you need to know. Nothing more. Of course. Visitors. Who is it? Visitors. Got the eye. Give it to me. Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? The eye. Give it to me. Perseus, no. We didn't come here to fight. - We just have one question. Young Perseus. Son of Zeus. So fresh. Perseus. Closer. A little nibble. - Flesh of a god. Flesh of a god. - Witch. - Don't. Easy. Stale meat, ladies. So which one's gonna answer my question? You want to know about the Kraken. Kraken? Do it. - Kill it. - That's right. A wasted journey. The Kraken fears no weapon. It must have a weakness. Maybe. But knowledge demands payment. - Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Eusebios! Watch out! Look out! Lxas, shoot! Help! The eye! Let him go! Do it! You wouldn't dare. We cannot see the answers without the eye! Let him go! Now answer the question. How do we kill the Kraken? - There is a solution. Solution. But it is an impossible one. - Yeah? - The Gorgon, Medusa. Medusa. Anything of flesh is killed by her gaze. Killed by her. - Her prison lies across the River Styx at the edge of the underworld. A Titan against a Titan. She's no use against the Kraken. We can't control her. Then we take her head. Clever boy. - Now the eye. Give us the eye. - The eye. - The eye. Where is it? But wait. There's more. Don't you want to know more? Perseus, no. Tell him. Tell him. What? Your journey does not end well. Fate has spoken. You will die, son of Zeus! It's a lie. Come. Written as history. Perseus. You will die. Why are the Djinn leaving us? They believe we will all die. It's the prophecy. Who are you? Well, you can call me "Father" if you wish. - My father's dead. He was killed by a god. An unfortunate casualty in a war men brought on themselves. Men didn't murder my family. Your brother did. You heard the witches' prophesy. You will not defeat the Kraken, much less Hades. If you continue this journey, you will die, and Argos will still fall. If you're so sure, why are you here? To offer you sanctuary. Your blood is mine, Perseus, and that makes you a god. It's time you came to Olympus and started living like one. Rather die in the mud with those men than live forever as a god. You foolish boy. Man's entire existence is a gift of my grace. For someone who created man you don't know much about us. We live we fight and we die for each other, not for you. Tell Hades I'll see him soon. - I will not make this offer again. - Good. Because I'd hate to refuse you twice. Perseus. Wait. It's expensive where you're going. Kucuk fashioned this shield from the Scorpioch. Stronger and lighter than any metal. Very rare and high-quality item. We can fight anywhere but not in the underworld. Yeah. Good luck, fisherman. We all heard what the witches said. But we can prove them wrong. I need your help. It wasn't the gods that saved me up there. If you believe that we have a chance. I never liked Argos much anyway. I know the way. Then we go to the underworld. We kill Medusa. Now what? - We wait for Charon. Charon only ferries the dead. Any volunteers? Heads we swim. A bribe for the ferryman. So, what happens when we get there? Just another beast to kill. A beast? Medusa was beautiful once. So beautiful as to tempt Poseidon. When he came for her she ran to Athena's temple thinking that the goddess would protect her. She didn't. Poseidon took her on the cold floor. She prayed to Athena for comfort but the goddess felt nothing but disgust. She made sure no one would ever want Medusa again. One look at the creature she has become will turn any living thing to stone. I cannot assist you there. A curse prevents me. It was Athena's one bit of solace to Medusa so that Medusa would never harm a woman. Only men are allowed in the temple. Though no man has ever made it out. Medusa's got a tail and that's how she'll use it. Listen. Hear her muscles coil. Smell her skin. Feel her hunger in your gut. Medusa's killed you twice now. Do you think she'll hand you her head? She won't be gracious about it. One look in her eyes and you'll turn to stone. Good. - Try not to enjoy this so much. - I'm trying to help you live. Don't look at me. Ease your storm. We're nearing Medusa's lair. I never thought I could reach this place. Who'd you lose? My daughter. Taken away on her 16th birthday. Dragged down here. I have a feeling I'll see her soon. You brought us this far. Let's go the rest of the way. - How many coins did you get, Perseus? - Just the one. I only knew one great man in my life. My father. Now I know four more. And a woman. And whatever the hell you are. I know we're all afraid. But my father told me: Someday someone was gonna have to take a stand. Someday someone was gonna have to say, "Enough." This could be that day. Trust your senses. And don't look this bitch in the eye. - Doesn't really inspire confidence. - Quiet. - Listen. Eusebios. Keep your eyes down. Here we go. Solon! Keep going! Flank her. - Draco. - Go! Eusebios, follow me. Hang on! Eusebios. Remember what Perseus said. Eyes down. Lxas, no. Eyes down. Where are you? Where are you? Eusebios. Go! Wait here. I'll lure her out. Get ready. Now! Together. Let them know men did this. Just you and me, son of Zeus. Perseus. Don't become one of them. lo, I'm here. There's no time. The eclipse. Perseus, you must go before it's too late. I'm not going anywhere. My fate is certain. But the fate of Argos is still in your hands. All my life you've been there. You never left me. I can't leave you. This part of the journey you must do alone. Perseus you're not just part man, part god you're the best of both. Everything will be all right. Brother. It is time for the mortals to pay. My child waits to do your will. Leave us. Release the Kraken! The Kraken comes now! Our suffering ends when the beast is sated! Will it take us or will it take Andromeda? Andromeda! It's my name they're calling. This cannot continue. Stay back! Stay back! Look! The Kraken! Help us! Andromeda! Hades, we sacrifice our princess in your name. It comes, brothers and sisters! Argos has fallen. Do you feel stronger, brother? You thought the Kraken would bring you their prayers. But the Kraken is my child. It feeds only me. I command Olympus. Remember who you serve. I serve myself. I have since you cheated me. You sent me to the underworld to be hated while you basked in their love. We need the love of humans. No, you need it. I survive on their fear. Your reign is over, brother Zeus. You'll watch while my blessed avenger devours their hopes. And then finally you'll know my pain. There is still a demigod in Argos brother. Perseus. The bag! Come on! Hyah! Hey, fisherman! Come on! No! I'm a god. I will live forever. But not here. The boats are coming for us. For you. Not for me. You won't stay, will you? Perseus, Argos needs a ruler. I cannot be a king. I serve you better as a man. You'll make a fine queen for them. Olympus owes you a debt of gratitude. As do I. Hades lives. He's just sent back to the underworld. Biding his time, no doubt. Waiting for men to grow weak, and in their weakness, he grows stronger. It's mankind who holds the key to Hades' rise. It always was. So we'll see him again. Yes. But now the world knows a man can stop him. Of course, you had some help. A sword, the Pegasus... I wanted men to worship us again, but I didn't want it to cost me a son. That's almost human of you. I don't suppose you'll reconsider my offer to take your place as one of us. I've got everything I need right here. You may not want to be a god, Perseus but after feats like yours, men will worship you. Be good to them. Be better than we were. And if you insist on continuing this mundane human existence I won't have you do it alone. You're the son of Zeus, after all. The oldest stories ever told are written in the stars. Stories of time before man and gods, when Titans ruled the earth. The Titans were powerful but their reign was ended by their own sons Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. Zeus convinced his brother Hades to create a beast so strong it could defeat their parents. And from his own flesh Hades gave birth to an unspeakable horror the Kraken. Zeus became king of the heavens. Poseidon, king of the seas. And Hades, tricked by Zeus was left to rule the underworld in darkness and in misery. It was Zeus who created man and man's prayers fed the gods' immortality. But in time, mankind grew restless. They began to question the gods and, finally, rise up against them. Into this world, a child was born. A boy who would change everything. Shh. Shh. Perseus. What is it, son? I'll have a brother or a sister soon. Think we're gonna love this child differently to the way we love you? We won't. This child will be yours. Me I'm no one's son. I am your father, Perseus. Marmara is your mother. And you'll always be our son. The bond between us is much more than flesh and bone. The love we have for you it's that love that gods and kings fight over. I've never understood the gods. But even I don't question that you were saved for a reason. And some day that reason is gonna take you far away from here. But not tonight, eh? Perseus. Perseus! Getting frail, old man. Marmara! Marmara! Another day, nothing. Caught on the reef. To whom do I direct our gratitude for this glorious bounty? Spyros, please. Poseidon, Zeus? Who do I thank, Marmara? - Thank the men who provoke them. - They crush my island. They put a plague on yours. They take from us what they want. We're their slaves. The gods gave us life. - For that, we should be thankful. - I'm tired of being thankful for scraps. I'm a fisherman. Perseus is a fisherman. They've even taken that away from us. What we are. Still they want us to love them anyway. One day somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say: J'Enough." Just like the day you came to me. The storm brought me right to you. I know you have questions, son. I wish I had the answers. I have everything I need right here. Good night, son. Hold her steady! Tekla, the wreath. Fetch the wreath. The statue of Zeus. Magnificent. Something isn't right. The soldiers, what are they doing? Come on! Lift it! Hang on! In the name of the king and queen! Who are they? Soldiers from Argos. What have they done? They've declared war. War against the gods. - Let's turn the boat around. - No. Do nothing. Behind you! Hold on! Tekla. Where's the boy? Tekla! No! - Go! - No! No! Zeus, you must bring an end to this. They attack our temples! Now they dare to desecrate Zeus' image. We could reach out to them. An accommodation could be made. A truce! No! I created them and they reward my love with defiance? There will be no truce. Finally. Some rage from you. How long has it been? How long, brother since you've seen my face? Hades. Endless years, I've watched from the underworld and saw your wrath tempered with love. You created them for one reason so their prayers would fuel our immortality. But you love them too well. They've grown strong. And now I am forced to rise because we are all threatened. What do you want, brother? Let me loose upon them. They will pray again and you will bathe in their awe and fear. And we will grow strong again. He belongs in the underworld, not here. You do not tell me where I belong. You say it is love that feeds us. But you depend on their love. I've only learned to live on their fear their pain. Zeus, our brother speaks the truth. Hear him. Go. Do what you will. Father, we need the mortals. No, Apollo. Hades is right. Their insolence has a price. Like children, they need to be reminded of the order of things. Set an example, brother. Turn them on each other and back into our arms. - Are we the last boat to come in? - No, captain. You're the only one. Is he one of ours? No. We found him off Paxos amongst our dead. He was the only survivor. Let the palace figure out what to do with him. Squad by four! Go on. Because if we show the gods our love they shall show us love in return. They shall. They gave us the corn in the fields, the sun in the sky. These are all gifts given to us. Gifts can be taken away. This will be taken away if we do not pay love to our gods. If we do not, we stay in filth and misery, which we have brought upon ourselves. - Move. Out of the way. - Our gods, we beg for the whip... The beauty and clarity of servitude. Man cannot rule man. You defy the gods and you will be punished. Is this all there is? We lost many men, Your Majesty but we have victory. To King Kepheus! To Queen Cassiopeia! No. To you our mighty legion. Our heroes who have dared to strike a blow at the heart of Zeus! The temples are burning. The statues have fallen. We have starved them of our prayers. Tonight after a generation of struggle the sun does not set over the ocean. It sets on Olympus itself. A new era has begun. The era of man! That frown doesn't suit you, Andromeda. Have something to drink. You'll feel more lively. Andromeda. What's your name? Perseus. Take this. Please drink. - Hands off. - Enough. Our daughter, the missionary. Have you seen what's happening out there? Have you even bothered to look? We serve as an inspiration. Hundreds of our men have lost their lives yet we celebrate. You provoke the gods and you act as if there will be no consequence. Well, what do you want? Should we be afraid? Should we be trembling and soiling ourselves in fear? The gods need us. They need our worship. What do we need of them? - Look at my daughter. - Don't. What could be more divine than her face? More beautiful than all the women of Greece. More beautiful than Aphrodite herself. The Olympians should envy her. - We are the gods now. - My queen. You're making a spectacle. Interesting. You! You are specks of dust beneath our fingernails. Your very breath is a gift from Olympus. You have insulted powers beyond your comprehension. Who are you? I am Hades. Kneel. Not now, Perseus. You will have your chance. What do you know of beauty? What is more beautiful than death? Gaze upon me, mortal queen. - Mother. - Princess. In 10 days when the sun is eclipsed I will unleash the Kraken. Argos will be swept from the earth and all of you with it. Unless you sacrifice the princess you so foolishly compare to the gods. Only her blood will sate the Kraken and Zeus who you have so offended. Choose your penance, Argos. Destruction or sacrifice. This is the will of Zeus. The will of your father. There is a demigod in Argos. That is impossible. He's yours. His name is Perseus. We could offer him sanctuary. Have I heard his prayers? This son knows no love for me. He's no different from any of the others who have turned their backs on us. For the last time, demigod, speak! - I'm not a demigod. - Who are you? Why were you sent? I don't know. I advise against this, sire. - He's not to be trusted. - What would you have me do? Draco. Leave him. Is it possible? If it's true you are the son of Zeus you can save us. You must save us. I can't save you. I'm just a man. My lord, as terrible as it is to utter the words a sacrifice is the only way. Don't even say the word. He's right. No one should have to die for me. Let Perseus go. Sire, we need to get the princess out of the city now. - I'll find a place to hide her. - You can't hide from Hades. So says the bastard son of a god. My father was killed by a god. My mother, sister everyone I loved was killed by a god. I mend nets not wield a sword. So, demigod, you have a visitor. She says she knows you. My name is lo, Perseus. And how do you know me? I've watched you all your life. I guided you to your family. Are you a god? There are gods and there are men and there are those of us who are in between. Many years ago I refused a god's advance. I was cursed with agelessness. That's not much of a curse. I've lived for years watching my loved ones die. I imagine you're sympathetic to that plight. Is it true? Am I the son of Zeus? Yes. The story of your birth began with the rebellion of King Acrisius. Mankind had grown tired of the gods' mistreatment and cruelty. Acrisius led a siege on Olympus. It is said the other gods wanted to simply lay waste to Acrisius and his army but Zeus loved man too much. Instead, he chose to make an example of Acrisius. He disguised himself as the king and visited the chamber where the king's wife was sleeping. My king. Zeus? Acrisius grew mad with rage. He ordered the execution of his wife and Zeus' newborn son. I curse you, Zeus. I deny you the body you soiled and the bastard child with it! No! The queen and her child were cast into the sea. Your mother was killed, but you part man, part god, you lived. I've watched over you ever since waiting for the day when you will help bring an end to the tyranny of the gods. You were born to kill the Kraken. I don't know why I was born or what I am. But I know it's not the Kraken I wanna kill. How do I get to Hades? If the Kraken falls Hades will be weak enough for you to strike a deathly blow. Only then will you have the revenge you seek. Then they better release me. If the Kraken can be killed the Stygian witches will know how. The witches are further away than the legion has ever been. No man can go there. No man. Keep your distance, lo. Zeus, forgive us for these affronts and protect us. And you still believe they're going to help? This is suicide. And the shields. Come on, boys. It's a lost cause. We've no chance, and you know it. Here's who you drew into this, Perseus. An honor guard. Young men who look good on a reviewing stand and old soldiersV heading towards retirement. Do you know what the Kraken is? The Kraken is the end of us. A colossal, elemental beast. It doesn't think. It doesn't feel. Even the gods fear it. - And you, you're going to kill it? - Don't come. - I don't need your help. - Of course not. You're the son of Zeus. - But we have orders. - Come, we need to leave! Gentlemen, may our journey be long, filled with agony and torment and may we all complain about it bitterly as old men. - So what should we bring? - Bring everything. What makes you think the witches will tell us anything? Oh, they'll tell us, or I'll kill them too. Come on. Let's go, boys. - What is this? - Just leave it. Don't leave us to the mercy of the gods! Please. Don't go. Please stay! Stay here. Please? Please? Help us. You're just going to make the gods angrier. Please. Just sacrifice the princess! Watch your mouth! Stay back. Stay back! You'd think they might be thankful. You cannot desert us! Maybe they're tired of being thankful. Good news! My brother and I have decided to accompany you on your journey. - We have enough strangers here. We can be of great help to you, trust me. You'll need us. I need soldiers, not hunters. Which one of your soldiers knows how to cut the impenetrable skin of the Nemean lion? Which one of them knows the soft points on a centaur's armor? Which one of them knows which jugular to slice on a five-headed Hydra? - The middle one. - The middle one. Good guess. My brother and I, we know how to kill. - We enjoy it. - If you can keep up and you don't mind dying, come along. It is death who should be afraid of us. King Acrisius. There is no Acrisius. Just Calibos. We have an enemy in common. - Zeus. - Zeus. My brother. What do you want from me? Zeus' seed in your wife survived. The child of your shame. Perseus. He lives? You murdered your wife for nothing. Now Perseus hurls himself from Argos to destroy me. He must die. - What would you have me do? - Zeus must think I serve him but I am growing stronger. Until I possess my full power you will be my weapon. Come. Use this. Kill Perseus for me. And I'll destroy Zeus for you. I serve you. The boy will die. How far is it? Four days to the witches. Four days? I'm tired already. Here, use this. Would you like us to wait? Oops. You really are a fisherman. You should've seen my father. You. Bring your weapon. Have you handled a sword before? - There's been no need. - I see. Left foot forward. Your motions should be fluid. The weapon is a part of you. Like the sting on a wasp. Stay focused. Know what's around you. Keep your balance at all times. You fall you die. Get up. Don't... There is a god in you. Be sure to bring it. End of lesson. Perseus. A gift from the gods. - Forged on Olympus. - Why? Just accept it. I can do this as a man. So it's yours. Gentlemen, retrieve our savior. Shh. The Pegasus. No man has ever ridden one. It's a message. They're watching us. Perseus! Perseus! Perseus! - Why does it always have to be...? - Shh! Listen. Help me! Help me! You reek of your father. - Who was that? - I don't know. Let's ask him. Let it go. No. We split up. Just follow the blood. Come on! Look! His blood. Are you happy now? Attack! Wait! Wait! What is that? Come on! Ixas! Spear! Draco! Faster! Let's go, let's go! Go, jump! Run! - Back up! Back up! Back up! - There's more! - Run! - Everyone. Back to back! Stand your ground. Three more! In the name of the gods, they're bigger. What are they? Djinn. I fought them in the legion. This is their desert. - Enemies? - I thought so. They aren't human. Not anymore. Desert conjurers, cutthroats. - Well, somebody should thank them. - What? - What is it? - Venom. From Hades. - Pray. Pray to Zeus for strength. - No. No. Pray to your damn father. Hear my prayer. Protect and heal your son. - No. - Please, Zeus, hear me. Would you like some bread? - Thank you. - Thank you. - Please. - Have some bread. Over here. Over here. - For you. - Please. No. We must turn our hearts to Hades! It is the only way! Brothers and sisters! Come to me! Come! I have the way out of our misery. Hades has asked for the princess. Sacrifice one for the life of the city. Why do they remain silent while we suffer? Why do they guard the woman whose death will save us? Is she better than any one of you? We have long worshiped Zeus in Argos. But it is Hades who now offers us salvation. We must pray to the one who showed us our sin and who offers us redemption through blood. A bribe for the ferryman. When they get injured in battle they replace their limbs with charwood and black magic. They feel no pain. Live hundreds of years. So how old is that one? I don't care. I don't trust them. You're burning. Drink this. I'll get more water. Come on! Look out! What? What's he saying? The Djinn have waited many years for the one who will free them from the gods. - He says he is no friend of the humans. - You don't say. But the only way we can help Perseus is together. Draco. Look. Together. - He's not ready to travel. - Time is slipping away, lo. - He may be a demigod, but he's still mortal. - Feeling better? - Yeah, a bit. - Good. Your pride is killing my men. - You were given gifts. Use them. - Those gifts are a trap! - I don't care what they are. Use them. - No. I will not use that sword or anything that they give me! So we'll just continue to die. I can't become like them. If I do this, I do it as a man. But you are not just a man. I choose to be. A man cannot do this, Perseus. According to who? The gods? If I had your gifts... When you need your sword, it's in my bag. They're riding them. They tried to kill us. I'm not getting on it. Magnificent. What are you waiting for? Well, we need to make up for lost time. We're making good time. Not good enough. The eclipse is drawing near. How close are we to the Norn Mountains? It'll be two days before we reach the witches. This thing is making me feel sick. Trust me, it's better to be on one than in one. What, don't you ever smile? When I spit in the eyes of the gods then I'll smile. - What is this place? - The Garden of Stygia. This is where the Kraken defeated the Titans. It's what Argos will look like when we fail. Every step we take is an insult to the gods. - Good. - Perseus. Only ask what you need to know. Nothing more. Of course. Visitors. - Who is it? - Visitors. Got the eye. - Give it to me. - Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? The eye. Give it to me. Perseus, no. We didn't come here to fight. - We just have one question. - Young Perseus. - Son of Zeus. - So fresh. - Perseus. - Closer. A little nibble. - Flesh of a god. - Flesh of a god. - Witch. - Don't. Easy. Stale meat, ladies. So which one's gonna answer my question? - You want to know about the Kraken. - Kraken? - Do it. - Kill it. - That's right. - A wasted journey. The Kraken fears no weapon. It must have a weakness. Maybe. But knowledge demands payment. - Sacrifice. - Sacrifice. - Eusebios! - Watch out! - Look out! - Ixas, shoot! - Help! - The eye! - Let him go! Do it! - You wouldn't dare. We cannot see the answers without the eye! Let him go! Now answer the question. How do we kill the Kraken? - There is a solution. PEMPHREDO: Solution. But it is an impossible one. - Yeah? - The Gorgon, Medusa. Medusa. Anything of flesh is killed by her gaze. - Killed by her. - Her prison lies across the River Styx at the edge of the underworld. - A Titan against a Titan. She's no use against the Kraken. We can't control her. Then we take her head. - Clever boy. - Now the eye. Give us the eye. - The eye. - The eye. Where is it? But wait. There's more. Don't you want to know more? Perseus, no. - Tell him. - Tell him. What? Your journey does not end well. Fate has spoken. You will die, son of Zeus! It's a lie. Come. Written as history. Perseus. You will die. Why are the Djinn leaving us? They believe we will all die. It's the prophecy. Who are you? Well, you can call me Father if you wish. - My father's dead. He was killed by a god. An unfortunate casualty in a war men brought on themselves. Men didn't murder my family. Your brother did. You heard the witches' prophesy. You will not defeat the Kraken, much less Hades. If you continue this journey, you will die, and Argos will still fall. If you're so sure, why are you here? To offer you sanctuary. Your blood is mine, PerseusV and that makes you a god. It's time you came to Olympus and started living like one. Rather die in the mud with those men than live forever as a god. You foolish boy. Man's entire existence is a gift of my grace. For someone who created man you don't know much about us. We live we fight and we die for each other, not for you. Tell Hades I'll see him soon. - I will not make this offer again. - Good. Because I'd hate to refuse you twice. Perseus. Wait. It's expensive where you're going. Kucuk fashioned this shield from the Scorpioch. Stronger and lighter than any metal. Very rare and high-quality item. We can fight anywhere but not in the underworld. Yeah. Good luck, fisherman. We all heard what the witches said. But we can prove them wrong. I need your help. It wasn't the gods that saved me up there. If you believe that we have a chance. I never liked Argos much anyway. I know the way. Then we go to the underworld. We kill Medusa. - Now what? - We wait for Charon. Charon only ferries the dead. Any volunteers? Heads we swim. A bribe for the ferryman. So, what happens when we get there? Just another beast to kill. A beast? Medusa was beautiful once. So beautiful as to tempt Poseidon. When he came for her she ran to Athena's temple thinking that the goddess would protect her. She didn't. Poseidon took her on the cold floor. She prayed to Athena for comfort but the goddess felt nothing but disgust. She made sure no one would ever want Medusa again. One look at the creature she has become will turn any living thing to stone. I cannot assist you there. A curse prevents me. It was Athena's one bit of solace to Medusa so that Medusa would never harm a woman. Only men are allowed in the temple. Though no man has ever made it out. Medusa's got a tail and that's how she'll use it. Listen. Hear her muscles coil. Smell her skin. Feel her hunger in your gut. Medusa's killed you twice now. Do you think she'll hand you her head? She won't be gracious about it. One look in her eyes and you'll turn to stone. Good. - Try not to enjoy this so much. - I'm trying to help you live. Don't look at me. Ease your storm. We're nearing Medusa's lair. I never thought I could reach this place. Who'd you lose? My daughter. Taken away on her 16th birthday. Dragged down here. I have a feeling I'll see her soon. You brought us this far. Let's go the rest of the way. - How many coins did you get, Perseus? - Just the one. I only knew one great man in my life. My father. Now I know four more. And a woman. And whatever the hell you are. I know we're all afraid. But my father told me: Someday someone was gonna have to take a stand. Someday someone was gonna have to say enough. This could be that day. Trust your senses. And don't look this bitch in the eye. - Doesn't really inspire confidence. - Quiet. - Listen. - Eusebios. Keep your eyes down. Here we go. Solon! Keep going! Flank her. - Draco. - Go! Eusebios, follow me. Hang on! Eusebios. Remember what Perseus said. Eyes down. Ixas, no. Eyes down. Where are you? Eusebios. Go! Wait here. I'll lure her out. Get ready. Now! Together. Let them know men did this. Just you and me, son of Zeus. Perseus. Don't become one of them. Io, I'm here. There's no time. The eclipse. Perseus, you must go before it's too late. I'm not going anywhere. My fate is certain. But the fate of Argos is still in your hands. All my life you've been there. You never left me. I can't leave you. This part of the journey you must do alone. Perseus you're not just part man, part god you're the best of both. Everything will be all right. Brother. It is time for the mortals to pay. My child waits to do your will. Leave us. Release the Kraken! The Kraken comes now! Our suffering ends when the beast is sated! Will it take us or will it take Andromeda? Andromeda! It's my name they're calling. This cannot continue. - Stay back! - Stay back! Look! The Kraken! Help us! Andromeda! Hades, we sacrifice our princess in your name. It comes, brothers and sisters! Argos has fallen. Do you feel stronger, brother? You thought the Kraken would bring you their prayers. But the Kraken is my child. It feeds only me. I command Olympus. Remember who you serve. I serve myself. I have since you cheated me. You sent me to the underworld to be hated while you basked in their love. We need the love of humans. No, you need it. I survive on their fear. Your reign is over, brother Zeus. You'll watch while my blessed avenger devours their hopes. And then finally you'll know my pain. There is still a demigod in Argos brother. Perseus. The bag! Come on! Hyah! Hey, fisherman! Come on! No! I'm a god. I will live forever. But not here. The boats are coming for us. For you. Not for me. You won't stay, will you? Perseus, Argos needs a ruler. I cannot be a king. I serve you better as a man. You'll make a fine queen for them. Olympus owes you a debt of gratitude. As do I. Hades lives. He's just sent back to the underworld. Biding his time, no doubt. Waiting for men to grow weakV and in their weakness, he grows stronger. It's mankind who holds the key to Hades' rise. It always was. So we'll see him again. Yes. But now the world knows a man can stop him. Of course, you had some help. A sword, the Pegasus... I wanted men to worship us again, but I didn't want it to cost me a son. That's almost human of you. I don't suppose you'll reconsider my offer to take your place as one of us. I've got everything I need right here. You may not want to be a god, Perseus but after feats like yoursV men will worship you. Be good to them. Be better than we were. And if you insist on continuing this mundane human existence I won't have you do it alone. You're the son of Zeus, after all. The oldest stories ever told are written in the stars. Stories of time before man and gods, when Titans ruled the earth. The Titans were powerful... but their reign was ended by their own sons... Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. Zeus convinced his brother Hades... to create a beast so strong it could defeat their parents. And from his own flesh... Hades gave birth to an unspeakable horror... the Kraken. Zeus became king of the heavens. Poseidon, king of the seas. And Hades, tricked by Zeus... was left to rule the underworld in darkness and in misery. It was Zeus who created man... and man 's prayers fed the gods' immortality. But in time, mankind grew restless. They began to question the gods... and, finally, rise up against them. Into this world, a child was born. A boy who would change everything. Perseus. What is it, son? I'll have a brother or a sister soon. Think we're gonna love this child differently to the way we love you? We won't. This child will be yours. Me... I'm no one's son. I am your father, Perseus. Marmara is your mother. And you'll always be our son. The bond between us is much more than flesh and bone. The love we have for you... it's that love that gods and kings fight over. I've never understood the gods. But even I don't question that you were saved for a reason. And some day... that reason is gonna take you far away from here. But not tonight? Perseus. Perseus! Getting frail, old man. Marmara! Marmara! Another day, nothing. Caught on the reef. To whom do I direct our gratitude for this glorious bounty? Spyros, please. Poseidon, Zeus? Who do I thank, Marmara? -Thank the men who provoke them. -They crush my island. They put a plague on yours. They take from us what they want. We're their slaves. The gods gave us life. -For that, we should be thankful. -I'm tired of being thankful for scraps. I'm a fisherman. Perseus is a fisherman. They've even taken that away from us. What we are. Still they want us to love them anyway. One day... somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say: "Enough." Just like the day you came to me. The storm brought me right to you. I know you have questions, son. I wish I had the answers. I have everything I need... right here. Good night, son. Hold her steady! Tekla, the wreath. Fetch the wreath. The statue of Zeus. Magnificent. Something isn't right. The soldiers, what are they doing? Come on! Lift it! Hang on! In the name of the king and queen! Who are they? Soldiers from Argos. What have they done? They've declared war. War against the gods. -Let's turn the boat around. -No. Do nothing. Behind you! Hold on! Tekla. Where's the boy? Tekla! No! -Go! -No! No! Zeus, you must bring an end to this. They attack our temples! Now they dare to desecrate Zeus' image. We could reach out to them. An accommodation could be made. A truce! No! I created them... and they reward my love with defiance? There will be no truce. Finally. Some rage from you. How long has it been? How long, brother... since you've seen my face? Hades. Endless years, I've watched from the underworld... and saw your wrath tempered with love. You created them for one reason so... their prayers would fuel our immortality. But you love them too well. They've grown strong. And now I am forced to rise because we are all threatened. What do you want, brother? Let me loose upon them. They will pray again... and you will bathe in their awe and fear. And we will grow strong again. He belongs in the underworld, not here. You do not tell me where I belong. You say it is love that feeds us. But you depend on their love. I've only learned to live on their fear... their pain. Zeus, our brother speaks the truth. Hear him. Go. Do what you will. Father, we need the mortals. No, Apollo. Hades is right. Their insolence has a price. Like children, they need to be reminded of the order of things. Set an example, brother. Turn them on each other... and back into our arms. -Are we the last boat to come in? -No, captain. You're the only one. Is he one of ours? No. We found him off Paxos amongst our dead. He was the only survivor. Let the palace figure out what to do with him. Squad by 4! Go on. Because if we show the gods our love... they shall show us love in return. They shall. They gave us the corn in the fields, the sun in the sky. These are all gifts given to us. Gifts can be taken away. This will be taken away... if we do not pay love to our gods. If we do not, we stay in filth and misery, which we have brought upon ourselves. -Move. Out of the way. -Our gods, we beg for the whip-- The beauty and clarity of servitude. Man cannot rule man. You defy the gods and you will be punished. Is this all there is? We lost many men, Your Majesty... but we have victory. To King Kepheus! To Queen Cassiopeia! No. To you... our mighty legion. Our heroes who have dared to strike a blow at the heart of Zeus! The temples are burning. The statues have fallen. We have starved them of our prayers. Tonight... after a generation of struggle... the sun does not set over the ocean. It sets on Olympus itself. A new era has begun. The era of man! That frown doesn't suit you, Andromeda. Have something to drink. You'll feel more lively. Andromeda. What's your name? Perseus. Take this. Please drink. -Hands off. -Enough. Our daughter, the missionary. Have you seen what's happening out there? Have you even bothered to look? We serve as an inspiration. Hundreds of our men have lost their lives... yet we celebrate. You provoke the gods and you act as if there will be no consequence. Well, what do you want? Should we be afraid? Should we be trembling and soiling ourselves in fear? The gods need us. They need our worship. What do we need of them? -Look at my daughter. -Don't. What could be more divine than her face? More beautiful than all the women of Greece. More beautiful than Aphrodite herself. The Olympians should envy her. -We are the gods now. -My queen. You're making a spectacle. Interesting. You! You are specks of dust beneath our fingernails. Your very breath is a gift from Olympus. You have insulted powers beyond your comprehension. Who are you? I am Hades. Kneel. Not now, Perseus. You will have your chance. What do you know of beauty? What is more beautiful than death? Gaze upon me, mortal queen. -Mother. -Princess. In 10 days... when the sun is eclipsed... I will unleash the Kraken. Argos will be swept from the earth... and all of you with it. Unless... you sacrifice the princess... you so foolishly compare to the gods. Only her blood will sate the Kraken... and Zeus... who you have so offended. Choose your penance, Argos. Destruction or sacrifice. This is the will of Zeus. The will of your father. There is a demigod in Argos. That is impossible. He's yours. His name is Perseus. We could offer him sanctuary. Have I heard his prayers? This son knows no love for me. He's no different from any of the others who have turned their backs on us. For the last time, demigod, speak! -I'm not a demigod. -Who are you? Why were you sent? I don't know. I advise against this, sire. -He's not to be trusted. -What would you have me do? Draco. Leave him. Is it possible? If it's true you are the son of Zeus... you can save us. You must save us. I can't save you. I'm just a man. My lord, as terrible as it is to utter the words... a sacrifice is the only way. Don't even say the word. He's right. No one should have to die for me. Let Perseus go. Sire, we need to get the princess out of the city now. -I'll find a place to hide her. -You can't hide from Hades. So says the bastard son of a god. My father... was killed by a god. My mother, sister... everyone I loved was killed by a god. I mend nets... not wield a sword. So, demigod, you have a visitor. She says she knows you. My name is Io, Perseus. And how do you know me? I've watched you all your life. I guided you to your family. Are you a god? There are gods and there are men... and there are those of us who are in between. Many years ago... I refused a god's advance. I was cursed with agelessness. That's not much of a curse. I've lived for years watching my loved ones die. I imagine you're sympathetic to that plight. Is it true? Am I the son of Zeus? Yes. The story of your birth began with the rebellion of King Acrisius. Mankind had grown tired of the gods' mistreatment and cruelty. Acrisius led a siege on Olympus. It is said the other gods... wanted to simply lay waste to Acrisius and his army... but Zeus loved man too much. Instead, he chose to make an example of Acrisius. He disguised himself as the king... and visited the chamber where the king's wife was sleeping. My king. Zeus? Acrisius grew mad with rage. He ordered the execution of his wife... and Zeus' newborn son. I curse you, Zeus. I deny you the body you soiled... and the bastard child with it! No! The queen and her child were cast into the sea. Your mother was killed, but you... part man, part god, you lived. I've watched over you ever since... waiting for the day when you will help bring an end to the tyranny of the gods. You were born to kill the Kraken. I don't know why I was born... or what I am. But I know it's not the Kraken I wanna kill. How do I get to Hades? If the Kraken falls... Hades will be weak enough for you to strike a deathly blow. Only then will you have the revenge you seek. Then they better release me. If the Kraken can be killed... the Stygian witches will know how. The witches are further away than the legion has ever been. No man can go there. No man. Keep your distance, Io. Zeus, forgive us for these affronts and protect us. And you still believe they're going to help? This is suicide. And the shields. Come on, boys. It's a lost cause. We've no chance, and you know it. Here's who you drew into this, Perseus. An honor guard. Young men who look good on a reviewing stand... and old soldiers, heading towards retirement. Do you know what the Kraken is? The Kraken is the end of us. A colossal, elemental beast. It doesn't think. It doesn't feel. Even the gods fear it. -And you, you're going to kill it? -Don't come. -I don't need your help. -Of course not. You're the son of Zeus. -But we have orders. -Come, we need to leave! Gentlemen, may our journey be long, filled with agony and torment... and may we all complain about it bitterly as old men. -So what should we bring? -Bring everything. What makes you think the witches will tell us anything? They'll tell us, or I'll kill them too. Come on. Let's go, boys. -What is this? -Just leave it. Don't leave us to the mercy of the gods! Please. Don't go. Please stay! Stay here. Please? Please? Help us. You're just going to make the gods angrier. Please. Just sacrifice the princess! Watch your mouth! Stay back. Stay back! You'd think they might be thankful. You cannot desert us! Maybe they're tired of being thankful. Good news! My brother and I have decided... -to accompany you on your journey. -We have enough strangers here. We can be of great help to you, trust me. You'll need us. I need soldiers, not hunters. He's very athletic. He's already won this game once before. Why keep someone like that in the game? It makes no sense it's crazy. Cirie is right. I'm telling you,things aren't looking good right now. *** Cirie is talking them out of it. At this point,you need to get your idol out because I ain't got any control any more. Cirie is the mastermind behind this whole deal. I thought we had this thing solid this afternoon, amanda,after she talked to cirie,she broke and the deal was off. Cirie's the puppetmaster,and she's got her arm jammed up there, so it could be the end of us. cirie** well,we got three votes. They're going to vote three for me,three for you. If you flip your vote,the three of us vote cirie. I play the idol. Cirie goes home,not him. There you go. tomorrow** I've got to make a big decision air,very big decision. I've seen cirie operate. I know how she plays. And it won't be long before she gets rid of someone like me. I think we do 3-3 to keep candice in and keep our six strong. - Yes? - All right. And we're not going to discuss it no more. My gut is telling me to go with the flow and write colby's name down and don't piss everybody off, and my heart says I'm going to keep the good guys in the game and get rid of cirie, but you listen to your heart,and you get hurt out here. So it's all up to me. I know where everybody over here is voting,excepte. So last time you guys were at tribal council, you vote out steph, which seemed a little surprising seeing that you've lost three out of four immunity challenges. So,tom,where is the philosophy of the tribe in terms of voting people out? Stephenie was on the wrong side of the numbers formed on day one. She was with the wrong group. So she was sacrificed. So,colby,if this game is already about alliances, is it inevitable that great people are going to go home early merely because they're on the wong side of the numbers? It's unfortunate,but that looks to be what's going to take place. ,where is the wisdom in having alliances this early that cause you to vote out somebody strong merely because they're on the wrong side of the numbers? It's way too early to vote out people that you could use to beat the other tribe. It's way too early for that. But,unfortunately,all of these people here are good. And they all have reasons why they should be here. So then what do you base the vote on? It's pretty simple-- you gotta have people that's not going to get scared. They're going to stick sowhat they promised you to begin with. Rupert,how about you? What are you basing your vote on? Trying to figure out how the heck we can bond together in these challenges and win. but.. I made alliances alliances that and promises that I want to keep. It sounds you're saying with that long pause is not sure it will be the best vote, but I will be keeping my word. That is exactly what I am saying. I am keeping my word. I am going to stand up to what I said. What part of that makes sense? Keeping your word in a game called out wit,out play,outlast. Keeping your word because I'm an honorable man and I want people to see me that way? I'm looking at a tribe,you all are keeping your word,great, and all it's doing is giving you more time with me at tribal council. And sitting here at tribal council sucks and I know-- - You're a part of the reason, - I know I am. based on that philosophy,rupert. That's the most honest and illuminating answer we've had in any of our tribals together. So,cirie,how worried are you tonight that you might be going home? I'm always worried. Always. Tom,do you believe cirie is worried that she's going home tonight? I believe that sir senot worried that she's going home tonight. Colby,are you concerned you're going home? Without question. It's going to take a bold move to save me tonight. James,how you voting tonight? We need to win. I want gifts. I want that food. I want to hold the idol. I want to do all that good stuff. You know? - Are you going to base your vote on that tonight. - Yes. - What you just said you wanted. - Yes,sir. I want everybody to stop all this crazy stuff and to win. What's the crazy stuff? The whole social thing. The social thing is a distraction. James don't do this stuff. James it's a necessity if your name is the one on the top of the list to go home. - *** - I greap,it's not fun but it's necessary when you're the one faced with leaving,you know. ,how concerned are you that you're going home? I don't feel like I'm going home tonight. And a lot of people are going to hate me for saying it, but if i didn't trust the people I put my trust in tonight, I probably would already be gone, and i trust these people I'm in an alliance with tonight. Well,there's a lot of talk tonight about trust and an equal amount of painter dissension. So I'm really curious to see how the vote plays out. It is time to vote. Rupert,you're up. I think you're a great gierk but hopefully it's you and not me tonight. **** You're way too good at wrapping some of these weak minds around your little finger. Time to tally the votes. Once the votes is read,the decision is final. Person voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. Jeff. I have something that I was hoping not to use until this team was able to use it against the villains, but evident in camp today was I needed it to save myself. .. I'd like to play the immunity idol. Thank you. The rules of "survivor" state if somebody plays the hidden immunity idol any votes cast against them will not count. ***** This is,indeed,a hidden immunity idol. Any votes cast for tom will not count. I'll read the votes. First vote, tom. Does not count. Tom. Does not count. Tom. Does not count. Nobody still has any votes. Colby. That's one vote colby. Colby. Two votes colby. Cirie. Two votes colby, one vote cirie. Cirie. Two votes colby, two votes cirie cirie. One vote left. Fourth person voted out of villains," cirie. You need to bring me your torch. Cirie, the tribe has spoken. Time for you to go. Well, I would say that qualified as your first blindside. Should make for a very interesting next few days. Grab your torches. Head back to camp. Good night. survivor s20e04 Next time on "survivor": *** Everyone except for russell. Russell hunts for the immunity idol while rob hunts russell. ***** Candice makes a game-changing move. I want to work with tom and colby. And as the competition gets more fierce, another casted away goes down. Hold up, let the docs take a look. I too much or stepped on toes, but I couldn't just sit back and play j.t.'s game. I'm playing this game for myself as well. So I couldn't do it. I don't blame them at all **** **** Scotland is celebrated worldwide for her natural beauty... Her wild glens and moors... ..her deep lochs... ..her rugged mountains and magnificent coastline. It's hard to imagine man has made any impact at all. But every square inch has been affected by centuries of human activity. I'm going to look at how man made Scotland's landscape, and how this history has shaped the present. This week: The Highland landscape. Is it beautiful or is it dead? In this room is a map of Scotland - mountain, loch and glen. We want you to get to know that country, and what is equally important, to get to know the people who dwell there and understand their point of view. Until 1950, the Highlands of Scotland were a postcard, famous worldwide, Kodachrome country. The greens were greener than any green thing had a right to be. So were the browns, the blues, the red of the deer. There was very little money, and even less people in the Highlands, but that was fine. Less people meant more beauty, more space for a magnificent wilderness wrapped in heather and history. The rivers ran with plaid. Until 1950, the dominant emotions experienced by visitors from the Lowlands were pride and awe. Pride that this land was theirs to visit, to walk in, to climb, to contemplate. And awe, awe at the sheer scale of it. Then in 1950 a report arrived at the Government's Scottish Office in Edinburgh, an assessment of the fertility and future of the Western Highlands. It had been commissioned from a young scientist, Frank Fraser Darling, three years before. Now here it was... and it was heresy. "The Highlands are a devastated countryside," he wrote, "a wet desert." Once, Darling argued, there had been a rich natural system in the Highlands... almost a living thing in its own right. And humans had destroyed it. The proverbially beautiful Highlands were sterilised, asset-stripped. No wonder they were empty. Darling had found an ecosystem full of holes. Entire species had disappeared. The loss of trees had led to the loss of woodland ants, which would once have processed leaf moulds. Earth worms were absent too, damaging the soil still further. The naked hills were now covered by strong, woody heather which was too thick for its own seeds to reach the earth. Rabbits had no natural predators left. Their population had exploded, their burrows destabilised hillsides. The soil of the Highlands had been transformed from a crumbly, fertile mould to a dense, rubbery peat... ..which locked away nutritious material. Darling's report described an ecosystem dominated by, in his words 'bottlenecks'. Traffic jams of nutrition in which natural cycles were stalled. God knows what the politician who commissioned the report had hoped to hear, but it certainly wasn't this. "The land is ruined. Start again." Darling never received any sort of acknowledgement from the Scottish Office that the report had even arrived, let alone been read. It was non-history. It hadn't happened. Oh, but it had. And so had the history Frank Fraser Darling evoked in the survey itself. There were reasons that the Highlands looked like this. All of them were human. This is Glenshiel in the West Highlands, inland from the Isle of Skye. It's not particularly remote, but I can't see any people, just their traces. These were houses once. In 1773, this glen played host to James Boswell and Samuel Johnson. Johnson wasn't exactly known for his liking of Scots or Scotland. "The finest sight a Scotsman will ever see," he wrote, "is the High Road to England. In his famous dictionary he defined oats as "food for horses which, in Scotland, is given to people." But Johnson was no racist - he was just addicted to one-liners. He liked the people he met here, a village of about 100 Gaelic speakers: croft farmers, cattle herders - hospitable. And he was sadly aware that their society was ceasing to be. Ever since the battle of Culloden, the Government had been working to make such a rebellion impossible ever again. Bonnie Prince Charlie had drawn his support from Highlanders that held to a traditional vision of Gaelic society, in which the clan owned the land, and the laird was the clan leader. Now those rules were being re-written, driving a wedge between laird and clan, turning the laird from a leader into a landowner. So what was the clansman's attitude towards the land? Was it dominion, was it stewardship, what? There's a gaelic saying to the effect that everybody is entitled to take a tree from the wood, a fish from the river, and a deer from the hill, but in a way that didn't jeopardise the resource. It was being done in a way that, in modern jargon, would be called sustainable, though nobody would have used that term at that time. With the beginnings of... ..the estates with the landlord establishing his rights over game and so on, all of that changes so that, if I go down to a river and take a salmon out today for my own use, that that in law is a crime. Right. But that sort of concept of private property just would not have meant anything in the society here in the past. I don't think they would have distinguished between the landscape and the land as a resource, and themselves. They were part of it, they were integral to it. And of course what was happening with clearance and eviction was that that link which had been so powerful and so strong for so many generations was suddenly shattered and broken. Throughout the Highlands, the lairds were evicting their own clansmen from their houses and glens and replacing them with profitable sheep farms. These were the clearances. Some were forced to leave, some left of their own accord because they had too little of the money that was now required for rent. Some clubbed together to charter ships and emigrated. The empty glens grew walls instead to keep the sheep in. So the famous emptiness, the wonderful solitude of the Highlands is of a peculiar and upsetting kind. In the 1950s, one of the descendants of those evicted returned to Glenshiel. He was a MacLennan whose family had spent the intervening years in Canada. He wrote, "Above the 60th parallel in Canada you feel as if only God has been there before." "But in a deserted Highland glen, you feel that everyone who mattered is dead and gone." I guess what he means is it's not so much that it's empty, more that it's orphaned. Sheep arrived in the Highlands in huge numbers from the 1780s onwards. They were low maintenance, compared with cows, and people. They replaced a society with an innate respect for the land and what lived on it with a farming practice that made the landscape into a factory for the production of wool and mutton. They cropped indiscriminately. Woolly locusts. They ate grass and other plants that would once have returned to the soil to re-nourish it. They ate the seedlings of trees. The hills were already abundantly barren. Now the sheep shaved them closer still. But there was worse to come, thanks to a minister with a taste for technology. In 1791, Alexander Forsyth became minister of the parish of Belhelvie, near Aberdeen. Perhaps the job wasn't too onerous, or perhaps Forsyth didn't take his pastoral duties seriously. But either way, he had plenty of time on his hands. He liked shooting ducks and he was sick of missing. Forsyth's problem wasn't accuracy. He was a remarkably good shot for a man of God. His problem was the flintlock rifle. There was a delay between the powder in the pan going off and the firing of the bullet. And there was a flash too, which gave the ducks exactly what he didn't want... ..a warning. What did Forsyth do? How did he get around this problem? Forsyth made a mechanism where you wouldn't have gunpowder in the pan. It was a detonating system, using fulminate of mercury in a small chamber which was called a scent bottle. Forsyth's invention was soon improved by others and became known as the percussion cap. So what happens here, then? This is a percussion cap. It goes on this nipple here. And the hammer ignited that percussion cap, and there was no delay between the hammer hitting the cap and the powder going off. It was instantaneous. So bad news for anything on the receiving end when this comes in? Yes. So let's have a look at this firing, then, see what it's like. I'll stand back. Shooting game could now become a pleasurable pastime. In 1815, a small ad in the London Times offered the estates of His Grace the Duke of Gordon to the 'discerning sportsman'. This was the land in question - Glen Feshie in the Cairngorms, one of only seven deer forests in Scotland. It's an interesting term, 'deer forest'. Let's take it apart. In a deer forest, trees are allowed. But obviously, a forest isn't essential. Any tree this tall in Glen Feshie is at least 220 years old. Once the deer population here had increased to saturation levels, nothing younger could survive. By the 1830s, shooting was a business, almost as profitable to the Highland lairds as sheep farming. The customers were almost uniformly English. And they were all - how do you say this? - posh. One of the first families to make a habit of renting somewhere Scottish every summer to shoot things was that of the Duke and Duchess of Bedford. Their favourite haunt was the estate here at Rothiemurchus, a matter of miles from Glen Feshie. Duchess Georgiana's holidays here with her much older husband were enlivened by the presence of her toyboy. Edwin Landseer was in his twenties - she was old enough to be his mother. Landseer was also an artist. He had been since childhood when he'd impressed the Royal Academy with his native ability as a draughtsman. He was ambidextrous - he could paint with both hands - which the Duchess must have enjoyed. In the 1820s and 30s, he used to accompany the Bedfords on their holidays here, and Landseer and Georgiana enjoyed vigorous bouts of alfresco sex whenever the Duke wasn't looking. In between times, Landseer painted and sketched. Landseer was as much in love with the Highlands as he was with Georgiana. He'd become friends with Walter Scott, the writer and poet, and even painted his portrait. And together they made the most powerful marketing campaign for Scotland and its landscape that anyone could have conceived. Walter Scott's work celebrated the sheer romance of hill and glen. And the Gaels. And Landseer's paintings gave those historical figures a backdrop, and some animals to go with it. In his paintings, Scotland was nature, rugged beyond belief. It was impossible for a Scottish sky to be cloudless. Animals met their fate in mountain streams. People popped up occasionally with animals for company. He was better at animals. In 1842, the sheer romance of the Scottish Highlands ensnared Queen Victoria herself. She came north of the Border for the first time with her new husband, Albert, a copy of Scott's epic poem, The Lady of The Lake, and memories of Landseer's back catalogue. He had already painted her several times, twice on a horse. This was take two. The Queen kept a diary. Of the area around what would become her Highland home, she wrote, "It was so calm, so solitary, "it did one good as one gazed around, and the pure mountain air was most refreshing. "All seemed to breathe freedom and peace, and to make one forget the world and its sad turmoils." Translation - no people. She was so happy. Albert shot some deer. And that was it, really. The future of Scotland's landscape was set in stone. It was now simply too fashionable to resist. Once Victoria had bought the estate and house at Balmoral for £30,000, the Highlands were inundated with English aristocracy and with wealthy Victorian tradesmen, all anxious to do as the Queen did. Deer forests engulfed the Highlands. The hills came closer to the state in which Fraser Darling would find them... ..sterile. The promotion of another animal to the status of prime target didn't help at all. Burning heather was meant to support a decent population of grouse. Burnt areas encouraged fresh growth - unburnt areas provided the grouse with cover. Excessive burning could destroy seed stocks and topsoil, cause erosion, and kill other plants and animals. But that didn't matter. Other sorts of animal competed with our sheep, our deer, our grouse. Other sorts of animals were vermin, to use the technical term. Eagles, for instance, were vermin. The memoirs of Osgood Mackenzie of Inverewe are full of vermin. His estates were fairly modest. His sheep and deer had to be protected - they were his livelihood. And eagles were his pet hate. They'd rip rabbits out of traps, kill lambs wholesale, and just the sight of one would scare grouse off the ground. "When one can see seven in the air at once," he wrote, "it's time to thin them out." He spoke cheerfully of giving eagles lead for breakfast, described strychnine as "a wonderfully handy drug". Eagles were only one of many predators he killed on a daily basis, problems that one or two barrels could solve. Short-eared owls... bang! Polecats... bang! Weasels... bang! Bang! And MacKenzie was not an unusual man. Every private estate had at least one, all blazing away at anything with teeth or claws. The white-tailed eagle, the red kite, the osprey, the goshawk and the polecat all become extinct. If we have them now it's because they've colonised from other territories, or been artificially replaced. Prey animals declined as well. Any animal that depended on hedges, copses, the heathered moorlands and hills, any of the habitats that sheep and deer ate, and men burnt, would suffer. Populations of voles, mice, hares, the smaller birds, all declined. There was no room in this man-made ecology for other animals. And all because the act of shooting things became so extraordinarily popular. I have no idea what went on in the minds of sportsmen as they stalked and shot the deer. I can't see the attraction. I can't get inside their heads. But then I've never shot anything at all. Perhaps it's time I did. So are we ready to go? I think if we could change this jacket a little bit... You think it's a bit bright, do you? I think it's a bit bright! So if you just come into position here. OK. So what should I do, then? I'll just have a look and see what beast we'll take. All right. Yeah, I think that one. Just about in the middle there's one standing. Can you see it? Oh, yeah. Just here. Just wait a minute. Let's see if he turns round a bit. OK. Where should I hit...? Where should I aim for? Just aim halfway up the body, just behind the fore leg. Halfway up the body. There he is turning round now. OK. And just take your time. OK, so just relax into it, I guess. Yes. You can shoot it now. Is the safety catch on? Just get settled. I can see him. He's OK. You can take him with it. That was a good shot. If there was a bullet in it! My first imaginary kill, that was. I tell you, the funny thing was I wanted to actually hit it for real. Because you want to really test whether you... That a terrible thing, isn't it? But you wanted to know if you were aiming it right. There was something addictive about the killing. As one sportsman said of another, "He had blood. "Whenever a person kills a deer, it is like a dog killing sheep - he can never keep away from it again." Whereas a traditional clansman might kill one for the pot and make use of the entire animal, these kills are only for the trophy. All they're interested in is the head - a natural coat rack, which makes this place probably biggest cloakroom in the world. Every summer, the upper classes surged north in greater numbers. In 1862, the new station at Aviemore opened the floodgates to the eastern Highlands and the Cairngorms. The transformation of a tiny Highland village into a tourist resort began at once. Deer made things busy enough, but the annual bonanza of the Glorious Twelfth - the start of the grouse season - saw the largest trains of all. According to one account, one train carrying fat wallets and their owners north for the grouse season consisted of 36 carriages drawn from nine companies, including the London to Brighton and the Highland Railway itself. Saloons, luggage cars, horse boxes, it was an invasion. The network spread piecemeal, further north, further west. For some enthusiastic sportsmen, it wasn't enough to lease a Highland shooting estate - they wanted to own, not rent. Merchant bankers and manufacturers came to regard a Highland estate with a deer forest as the best possible way to prove that they'd 'arrived', that they were one with the aristocracy. Sir Alexander Matheson, for instance, arrived by making a fortune selling opium to the Chinese. He retired from the drugs trade - which, in the 19th century, was rather less grubby that it is today - acquired 122,000 acres in the Highlands, and built this. Not impressed, eh? It was to go with this. After all, what was the point of spending £70,000 on an enormous shooting lodge that your guests can't get to? Matheson's requests for a dedicated station fell on deaf ears. So he did the obvious thing - he built his own. It wasn't only the upper classes - smaller budgets came north as well. Thomas Cook claimed that Scotland had transformed him from a cheap excursion conductor to a tourist organiser. By 1860 he'd brought 50,000 tourists to Scotland, and the Queen herself, God bless her, had become a tourist destination. Cook would draw up his coaches at Balmoral which, these days, is hidden behind that screen of trees. And the tourists would regale Her Madge with a stirring rendition of the National Anthem... at 7.30 in the morning. One tourist, according to Cook, used his opera glasses to get a glimpse of the Prince Consort at a window, in his nightcap. It's easy to imagine the Queen listening to her patriotic morning call, and remembering with a certain nostalgia her journal entry from her first sight of Balmoral, the one about the solitude and peace. That's why she planted this. I mean, that was the point, after all - Highland estates weren't for sharing. Cook's tourists - the walkers, the ramblers - all had to face the same fundamental truth - they could look, but not touch. It was like looking at a Landseer - they couldn't get inside the view because it was private property. Strictly speaking, there was no law of trespass in Scotland. It certainly wasn't a crime simply to walk on land that happened to be owned or rented by Lord Poshbury or Mr Muck the Liverpudlian fertiliser magnate. Which meant that enforcing their boundaries depended on ghillies and gamekeepers employed by each estate. There were threats of violence, actual violence and signs that said things like "Beware stray bullets. "The proprietors will accept no responsibility for injuries received." This was unpleasant enough, but in 1879 the nation was reminded how much more unpleasant the process of turning Highland land into private property had always been. In that year, the obscure estate of Leckmelm in the north west was acquired by a paper manufacturer from Aberdeen, Alexander Pirie. Pirie created a deer forest, dispossessed all the crofters, deprived them of their livestock, and evicted them from their homes. They were required instead to take up residence in a building called the barracks and work on his farm. The older clearances resulted in empty glens. The dispossessed were tidied away, out of sight, left to lead their lives or simply die elsewhere. But Pirie turned his tenants into a captive labour force, dependent on jobs that only he could offer. It wasn't slavery, but it smelt similar. There were ripples. The father of the man from whom Pirie had bought the estate announced his sympathy for the crofters. Pirie's behaviour was condemned at meetings in Inverness, Glasgow and even London. Questions were asked in Parliament. The crofters were finding a voice, and they weren't alone. The Liberal Party was listening. Their members, mostly middle class, were increasingly confident, increasingly impatient with the very large helpings of everything that the upper classes allowed themselves. They sympathised with the plight of the crofters and supported the Highland Land League that the crofters formed in the early 1880s. And in 1886, the Liberals saw the Crofter's Act through Parliament. It guaranteed that those still occupying their crofts would keep them, and could even dictate who would inherit. It was the end of the clearances. But for the crofters that wasn't enough. They didn't want the clearances stopped, they wanted them undone. On Lewis, crofters went so far as to invade a deer forest where their village had once stood. They killed and ate several deer. Their leaders were arrested and released unpunished with remarkable speed. The reality of the Crofters Act was revealed. The Act took the crofter by the hand, and said in a soothing voice, "We know it's not fair. "We don't like them either, so we'll let you be rude to them. "We'll even let you kill some deer. "But you can't have your land back." For some Liberals, it was precisely the absence of people in the Highlands that appealed. The Highlands were no longer a place to live. They had become a place to visit, a place to walk, a place to climb. James Bryce, Liberal MP for Aberdeen, introduced a bill in Parliament demanding guarantees for public access to moor and mountain. But Parliament was a concentration of the upper class. Most of its members passed the entire month of August with a shotgun in their hands. Bryce's bill failed for lack of Parliamentary time, but Bryce specialised in perseverance. After all, even The Times had run a sympathetic leader on the initiative. Bryce reintroduced the failed bill on a further 11 occasions. And every time his speech got plainer. "The scenery of our country has been filched away from us just when "we have begun to desire it more than ever before", he said in one debate. Outside Parliament, he added direct action to plain speech. He stravaiged. "Stravaig - verb, intransitive. "To wander about idly." But in Bryce's dictionary, stravaiging meant something different - to wander about idly whilst at the same time walking wherever one wished on private property. On the 24th of June 1887, the day after Queen Victoria's Golden Jubilee, Bryce and a hard core of his supporters trekked out to the heart of the Cairngorms. And in the middle of nowhere, at the Shelter Stone, where travellers had slept for centuries, they founded a club - The Cairngorm Club. We've spent two hours coming across in horrible weather getting here. This place must have been really important to them. It was, I think, because it's emblematic of the type of landscapes that the Cairngorm Club and its membership were seeking to explore and enjoy. The Cairngorms at that time were owned by a number of different, very large landowners, several of them from the titled aristocracy. And what did they think of the notion of stravaiging across their land? They were, in some cases, fairly staunch defenders of their proprietary rights, and their privacy, too. The straivaigers, on the other hand, weren't too keen on respecting... those so-called rights of privacy and sought - in all sorts of mischievous, sometimes adventurous ways - to challenge those claims to privacy. It was becoming increasingly clear that this was a class war. And the upper classes responded by forming the Scottish Mountaineering Club. The SMC was posh. One of its key members was Sir Hugh Thomas Munro, baronet. Munro made a list of Scottish mountains that exceeded 3,000ft, and published it in the club journal of 1891. There were almost 300 such mountains. Almost all were on private land. It never occurred to him that the result would be a large body of unpedigreed people touring Scotland to climb all the Munros, as these mountains became known. SMC membership was by invitation only, after all. No owner of a shooting estate would object to a trespassing baronet in well-cut tweeds, someone you wouldn't mind your daughter marrying. The Cairngorm Club stravaiged everywhere. Crofters pressed for restoration of their lands, and the sporting classes ignored them completely. By 1900, over half the land area of the Highlands was owned by just 15 people. Almost 40 new deer forests were formed in the last two decades of the century. If this was a class war - and it certainly was - there was no question which class was winning. In 1908, a bill for access to moor and mountain got as far as a full Parliamentary debate. One Yorkshire MP noted the amount of damage done by tourists. The MP for Windsor asked for the insertion of a clause that would make tourists invisible and odourless. Meanwhile, Lord Willoughby de Eresby drifted off topic somewhat. Apparently, some sporting estates had installed golf courses which he enjoyed immensely. What if some tourist chose to sit down for a sandwich on the 18th green? That would never do. The bill failed. The amount of land devoted to the pleasure of the leisured classes continued to increase. They owned it all anyway. Who could stop them? By 1912, deer forest covered almost 30% of the Highlands. The posh were invincible. And beneath the iron hand of their gamekeepers, the animal kingdom declined. The landscape was still beautiful, of course. But it was also almost dead. By 1914, the gamekeeper and ghillie had secured final victory in their vermin war. Almost all the Highland predators were extinct... with the blindingly obvious exception of the sportsmen. What began at Sarajevo in 1914 was a different sort of war altogether. It ended four years later. The working classes had sacrificed themselves by the hundred thousands in the 'war to end all war'. The upper classes felt a sense of obligation to the survivors, a guilty awareness too that the war had revealed weaknesses in British society. Britain's workers had been shown to be undernourished, unfit, unused to fresh air. In the decade before the war, several working class organisations had shown an increasing interest in Scotland's remoter areas. By the 1920s, they were rambling as far afield as the Trossachs, Ben Lomond, or here on the Arrochar Alps. The Government viewed this favourably. More exercise meant better health. Workers who had extended themselves like this would give better service to the state. There was even talk of the establishment of National Parks, not for the sake of the environment. The vision was one of fresh air, exercise, scenic grandeur and improvement of the stock. As the decade progressed, it became clear that there was a spectre haunting the owners of sporting estates. The spectre of the personal sacrifice of several thousand acres for the common good. They didn't like it. The campaign for National Parks gathered momentum. A parallel movement to establish a Scottish Youth Hostelling Organisation got under way as well. The Scots magazine published article after article, claiming that the moors and forests of Scotland had been converted into a private park, with public access only to the mere fringes. Several areas were nominated as suitable for the proposed park, but the Cairngorms were the clear favourite. Then the election of May 1929 delivered a hung Parliament. Labour leader, Ramsay MacDonald, became Prime Minister. His support for a National Park in the Cairngorms was well-known, and that Autumn he formed the Addison Committee to explore the feasibility of National Parks. The owners of the Cairngorms estates began to fear that their land would be nationalised, that they would be swamped by what one owner called "guttersnipes from Glasgow". They formed their own committee. King George V lent his support when a rumour spread that part of the Balmoral estate might be destined for the park. And the idea of a national park in the Cairngorms doffed its cap, tugged its forelock, and went back below stairs where it belonged. But in 1935 land owned by Lord Strathcona came up for sale in Glencoe, including the majestic Buchail Etive Mor, a magnificent Munro, a challenging climb. Fundraising was organised to buy the land for the new National Trust for Scotland. It fell short, but a mystery donor stepped in with the money required. Who, in the absence of a National Park, had provided this generous consolation prize for Scotland's ramblers? The president of the very posh Scottish Mountaineering Club, that's who. Percy Unna betrayed his class. Unna insisted on his identity being kept secret, and the following year another donation, eventually a total of £20,000. The money was spent on land adjoining their first purchase. So, in a small way, Scotland had a kind of National Park after all. The money came with strings attached, which eventually became known as Unna's Rules. The public was to have unrestricted access. Good... but the land was to be maintained in its primitive, undeveloped condition. No steps should be taken to make the mountains easier or safer to climb. And there should be no signposts or shelters on the hills. It's impossible to deny the generosity of Unna's actions. But equally clearly the rules reveal who was really to benefit - mountaineers. Experienced mountaineers. Ordinary folk could stay at ground level, look up at Buchail Etive Mor and gasp. Unna simply believed in a different kind of aristocracy. For Unna, Glencoe was perfect just the way it was. His rules trapped it firmly in a bubble. Nothing could or should change. In fact, the bubble covered the entire Highlands. Neither the owners of Highland estates nor the mountaineers wanted the Highlands to change. And the tourists that Unna condemned to the foothills were very happy there in an almost sterile landscape that had been almost uninhabited for almost 150 years. But in the early 1930s, a young English scientist arrived in Scotland. And the more he studied it, the more he believed that Scotland's landscape had a future... ..as well as a beautifully tragic past. Frank Fraser Darling arrived here on Tanera Mor in Scotland's far north west in 1937. He had come to prove that it was possible to croft. Official wisdom saw croft farming as unable to provide more than subsistence, but Darling blamed that on 200 years of sheep farming and deer forest which had stripped the soils of the western Highlands. He set about re-nourishing the soil with seaweed, shell-sand, industrial slag, and manure. After four years of hard work, the island blossomed. Cows thrived, the sheep prospered. He restored the quality of the grasslands round about. He grew corn, potatoes, swedes, cabbage, kale, carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, lettuce, onions. Clearly, you could make the desert bloom. Darling acquired a reputation. He wrote it. After the War, the Scottish Secretary of State commissioned Darling to produce a report on the condition of the West Highlands. The report he eventually submitted expressed a revolutionary idea that humans were a part of nature, not just its keepers. He described the ecology of the West Highlands as an organism that human misuse had all but killed off. He argued that part of that misuse was the effective decimation of the original Gaelic culture which treated the environment with much more respect. Darling knew that tourism would be a vital part of the Highland future. But bringing the landscape back from the brink would require people to live there once again, people properly trained in modern farming techniques who understood that nature needed protection. So it wasn't just that there were too many deer, too many sheep, too few cows or eagles or polecats or voles. It was that there weren't enough people. Darling's belief that the Highlands should be repopulated sat badly with everybody. The Government regarded the almost empty bens and glens as an ideal source of hydro-electric power. Landowners, ramblers, mountaineers all wanted those glens to stand emptier still. Darling was passed over for the job of running the newly-established Nature Conservancy, because he believed that man was actually a part of nature. His West Highland Survey was ignored, written by a man whose name was suddenly mud. Frank Fraser Darling went to America where he became a star in the new movement for ecological awareness. By the time of his death in 1979, environmentalism had even begun to make sense to the sort of people who had once junked the West Highland Survey - politicians. So in Scotland, the state has begun to apply those ideas, and a sterile landscape once lived in only by the very rich and their employees has begun to heal. We have national parks created by the Scottish Parliament shortly after it came into being itself. These parks - one around Loch Lomond in the Trossachs, one in the Cairngorms - are not simply places for recreation. The environment is conserved, here and elsewhere, by Government bodies and private trusts. Deer forest still covers two million acres of the Highlands. But the law now imposes on their owners a duty of care for the environment. In Glen Feshie, where the boom in deer forest began almost 200 years ago, the estate owners have chosen to cull 10,000 deer to allow nature to restore itself. I would have thought, sport shooting, you'd want a lot of deer, and you're bringing them down to a bare minimum. What's the strategy? Well, the strategy is that we believe that we went too far, or the estate went too far the wrong way. Ten years ago, for the majority of the year, you would have probably easily seen 1,000 deer in this stretch of the Lower Feshie. That's a lot of deer. It's agricultural densities. There's no hope of having any regeneration. That would be 40 deer per square kilometre or thereabouts. What have you got it down to, then? It was up to 40, what is it now? Just on one. From 40 to one? Yeah. Probably somewhere around about three is where the trees started to respond, where you started to see seedlings. What other changes in wildlife have you seen? We've seen... short-tailed field voles, that's one of the things that's increased dramatically. We've got kestrels, and recently actually we saw a hobby not very far away from here, which is quite a rare sight. We've got a lot of tawny owls, there's a barn owl. The trees and the deer are just part of it. It's restoring the ecosystem. Has the nature of the client changed as the deer have gone down? You need to be fit now to come sport shooting on Glen Feshie. It's not where you walk out and suddenly, easily get into deer. So what was it like ten years ago when there were thousands of deer? What were the shooters like then? The people that I saw, they were quite drunk, they were quite heavy! Fat, drunk people shooting guns - that sounds a scary thought! Well, you know... In Glen Feshie, Thomas MacDonnell is piloting what he hopes will one day be a PFI National Park, funded partly by its owner, partly by the Government. Hikers, climbers and campers are welcome in Glen Feshie, as they are now welcome almost everywhere in the Highlands. Private land or not, Scotland's rights of access these days are unparalleled. But environmental stewardship was only a part of Fraser Darling's message. One of the species that he hoped to restore to the Highlands was the human. Little more than one glen away from Glen Feshie lies the estate of Rothiemurchus, where Edwin Landseer and his dirty Duchess once fondled and daubed. Its ancient forest is now a focus for tourist activity of all sorts. And a mile beyond that Aviemore has grown, thanks in part to the skilifts which opened on the Cairngorm mountain in 1960. As late as the 1950s, it held just 300 people. Its population now is around 3,000. Because it can attract tourists all year round, Aviemore sprawls in several directions. It isn't pretty. There's no point in pretending that it is. But a new town in the Highlands with a growing population and what amounts to full employment is something to celebrate. Few places in the Highlands can attract tourists throughout the year. But tourism is not the only answer. Thanks to the Internet, thanks to low-impact generation technologies, a slow but steady repopulation of the Highlands and Islands is underway. Elsewhere there are developments that are dispensing with the lairds, which seems fitting, given that, a century and a half ago, the lairds were happily dispensing with their tenants. Until 1997 the island of Eigg was like any of the other estates that spread across Scotland like a rash in the 19th century - wholly owned by one individual. But since 12th June 1997, Eigg's inhabitants have been in control of their own destiny. They successfully completed a community buy-out and the island became the property of a trust, of which every single one of its 63 inhabitants was a member. Every year, they celebrate Independence Day, and the population has been growing. There are now more than 90 people on Eigg and counting. There were two new babies born last year. That was a cause for celebration. Young Eiggers! There's going to be ten kids in the primary school after the summer holidays So that's quite vibrant, then. Yeah, that's great. Presumably people are practising for more! I'm hoping so! A small island like this, long winter nights... But that's great. It sounds like the community's really thriving. And this, I guess, is the kind of heart of the island, in a funny way, the electricity. Yeah, this our windfarm, which is probably a bit of a grand name for... That's not what most people think of when they think of windfarms. But these are four six-kilowatt wind turbines and they're linked in with... We've got three hydros in total. And then we've got ten kilowatts worth of photovoltaic array. Oh, right. The Eigg National Grid? Yes. The island is dotted with houses, houses to which the Eigg national grid will clearly never be connected. What happened on the mainland happened here. Once, Eigg supported a population of over 400 people. It never will again. Today the Eigg Trust intends to allow a maximum of 120. There are three farms on Eigg, 21 crofts, a forestry business. There are jobs that depend directly on tourism, and jobs that don't. One islander works as a researcher, another manages events for a production company on the mainland. Thanks to broadband and the knowledge economy, it's no longer necessary to live in the town you make your money from. The bubble that once covered the Highlands in their entirety has burst. And now there's room for several futures. Room for National parks, both public and private. Room for the environment to re-establish itself. Room for ramblers, tourists, mountaineers. Room for people to live. Many of Eigg's inhabitants, inevitably, are incomers. They don't speak Gaelic. But they love the land they live in, and their children do as well. Their children's children haven't made their minds up yet. As little as 50 years ago, a young person choosing to stay in their Highland birthplace was choosing a life of limited opportunity. That's no longer true. You know, this programme's about land, but really it's about people. While it would be lovely to see more places like this, it would also be lovely to see more people in places like this. Enough, perhaps, so that, one day, stories that people are living here and now could actually be communicated, glen by glen, island by island, not by telephone cables, but by word of mouth. I think Frank Fraser Darling would have approved. I know I do. Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk My condolences. - Thank you. My condolences. - Thank you. My deepest sympathies. - Thank you. My condolences. - Thank you. My condolences. You must have really loved him? Did you know him? When I married him I was twenty, and beautiful... How's that, for gold digging? All the best. 'Last resting place' Amazing story. Stop this fucking noise in the middle of night! You're not fucking deaf, aren't you? Is it any good? You've been working on it for ten years that might mean it's awful. Is it good? Well it's not Dostoevsky, or Kafka. You're the writer. You should think it's the best thing ever written. I'm not really a novelist. I'm more of a short story writer. Eighteen percent, no more. Just tell them. No, you're not up there. So, where were we? Our in-house Dostoevsky who came for an advance on his novel. My landlord's threatening to throw me out. Just when I'm almost finished. So five hundred euros would a be great help. Or even four hundred euros. Three hundred? Hello? Hello hello? You there, I can see you, under the window. Can you open the door, please? Are you the bailiff? - No, I'm not the bailiff. I'm from 'Interquête'. I'd like to ask you a few questions. It's totally anonymous. May I ask you how old you are? Forty-one. - Forty-one? Gender: male. Star sign? - Taurus. I'm a Virgo. Are you religious? No. - You don't believe in God? No. - You don't believe there's 'something'? No. Life is life, and when it's over that's it? But when you pass away you'll need to be buried of cremated, won't you? Are you insured? - Insured? Take a look at this, please. Ah, you're not doing a survey. You're selling funeral insuranoe. Insurance, yes. You want a respectable funeral, don't you? They can put me in a bag and place it by the side of the street. I don't think your family and loved ones will agree with that. They'll want a beautiful coffin. A last goodbye worthy of a man like you. I don't have family, and I don't have loved ones, so... 'The End' 'Our in-house Dostoevsky'. Eefje? Eefje? Good morning, sir. I'm from survey company 'Interquête' and would like to ask you some questions. Good morning. I'm from 'Interquête'. May I ask you some questions? If it isn't too inconvenient. It's for a survey. Just woken up? Myself, I oan't stand loud noises, when I've just woken up. I'll keep my voice down. Or I could sit a bit closer, so I don't have to raise my voioe? What do you want to know? Have you done a survey before? There's a first time for everything. Do you believe in God? You've got lovely legs. And not just your legs, actually. May I? Do you want to fuck? Excuse me? Sorry. You don't want to fuck? Isn't your mother at home? - She's at bingo. I swear it'll be the death of me, one of these days. Thanks. - No, thank you. You're not saying this was your first time, was it? I thought it was about time. And, am I any good? Yeah. It was nioe. Are my teeth pretty? I had my braces taken off yesterday. So your manuscript is almost ready? - Yes, of course. I'd like to see it. - What? Your manuscript. Your oomputer file. You know I never show anyone what I'm writing, editor or not. Don't oount your chickens... Call me superstitious. Everybody is on standby. Presses are booked. You're our best selling author by far, and we really need this new book. Fabian, I want to see it. - Don't you trust me? Isn't that the basis of the relationship between publisher and author, trust? No, I want to see it. Come on. Without trust no relationship. Without relationship no book. No, Lea. I hope you know what you're doing, Fabian. Eefje. It's not going well with Fabian. He hardly eats anymore. What's happened? - That's between Fabian and me. He is so upset about it he can hardly write anymore. He hasn't written a word in the last half year. Can't you go back to him? If only temporarily? Eefje, this is very important. All he has to do is finish the last chapter. Are you sure? He hasn't written anything for the last six months. Me leaving him has nothing to do with it. Bye, Lea. What's going on? My typewriter. My belongings. I'm the bailiff. You can always buy your typewriter baok. Didn't think it could go on with all the rent arrears? It's not so much that I'm so attached to my typewriter it's more: now what? What do we do with this? For a publishing company. So he did have money for stamps. I can put it in the mail, or dump it in the garbage. 'Without Airs'. Joachim West. Was it you I spoke to on the phone? You did, if you're that publisher. I'm looking for Joaohim West. I told you before: he was evioted. He owes you money as well? No, no... You really have no idea where I can find him? Minimum price was twenty-five euro, but that wasn't offered. Do you have his current address? - We don't have any information about him. No Joachim West? 'Salvation Army' Could you take the upper bed? Got a problem with my leg. Tell her I'm not here. - What? If she asks for me, tell her I'm not here. May I help you? - I'm looking for Joaohim West. Joachim? Isn't here. Any more. - Not any more? Tragic case. He died. Died? How? - Suicide. Jesus. When? - Last week. That's strange. I've been to the police. They didn't seem to know. They rather hush it up. So as not to give other people ideas. Other people? He jumped off the Carlysle Hotel. He wasn't the only one. Hip, these days. I didn't know that. Thank you. Money, right? My publisher. I got an advance, but never produced my book. Perhaps you should go, in case she oomes back. And perhaps you should also ohange your name now that you've come to such a tragic end. Were you serious, about the Carlysle Hotel? I always am serious. Nana! Nana! Are you going to jump? A house on fire. My name is Fyodor. - Okay. Hey Nana. Come here. Front-page news. 'Escaped from death.' Now it's a book with a story to it. Most books have 'a story to them'. How long will you have to stay? It's just a precaution. I'll be disoharged today. I'll arrange a hotel room so you oan finish the last chapter. What exactly happened? Short-oircuit. Technical examinations wil prove my oomputer short-cirouited. You did make baok-ups, didn't you? Oh no. I'm finished with writing, Lea. I can't anymore. About that roof... I won't ask you any questions, and you won't ask me any, okay? Okay. Fyodor Painter... Perhaps somewhere there's someone called Fyodor Writer. And perhaps he is a painter. That would be a real coincidence. There's no suoh thing as coincidence or chance. Chanoe, I think, is the insight that two seemingly unrelated matters coincide. You do sound like a writer. Shall I walk him? Her. It's a girl. Yes, your daughter is pregnant. What actually happens to the... - To the what? Do they flush it down the toilet? No, once a week it is removed by a specialized company. What do they do with it? Turn it into frankfurters. Just kidding. Madame? Have you seen your daughter? I heard it isn't going too well with Fabian Remarque? Fabian? Fabian is fine. So his announced novel wil be released exactly as planned? Of course. 'ACity Depraved' will be released next month. I was told he was seen a little 'merry' in a cafê last week. More than just 'merry'. Just gossip about celebrities. Who told you? Contacts. My first thought, suspicious as I am was maybe he had... writer's block? Nothing's the matter. He just has to finish the last chapter. No better planner in literature than Fabian Remarque. The idea the great Fabian Remarque might be fallible was too appealing to just let go by. Of course. That's why you're so good at your job. Bye Monica. - Lea. A man has been found in his room. Dead. Have you read it, the manuscript? Think that's funny, having me read that right now? What? Not good? - Not good; it's brilliant. I stopped haltway. Couldn't stand any more. In the second half, it just gets better. How about lending your name to it? If we publish this manuscript under your name the pressure will be off you. You'll have time to get your life back on track and start writing again. New surroundings, new house new girlfriend with great tits. It stinks. - Of course it stinks. No, the food. Brussels sprouts? Away! This Joachim West? Killed himself. Jumped off the roof, right here actually. Of the hotel? - Of the Carlysle, yes. 'Our in-house Dostoevsky', I called him. Is it difficult, writing? - Yes. Think I oould do it as well? You don't need any certificates for it. That at least is something. If you had been really suocessful would you still have tried to jump off that roof? No questions... As a book salesman keeping up with things, I have a clear view of the difference of quality between Dutoh and international literature. 'The Miokey Mouse competition', I call our national literary prizes. But I dare say 'ACity Depraved' is Nobel Prize material. Absolutely. Thank you. - Sure, sure. There is your table. Then I will now open the doors. 'Nobel Prize material'. 'Definitely Nobel Prize material'... For now I'll have to make do with my seven 'Miokey Mouse' prizes. Why did you call Joaohim West 'our in-house Dostoevsky'? Because when he oame by for the advance he said he realized he wasn't Kafka or Dostoevsky. Exaotly what he is... Was. What kind of a man was he? In all these years I only saw him only twioe. His last collection was published ten years ago by my predeoessor, Theo Marcellis. Good day, Mr. Remarque. - Good day. Could you dedicate this book to Mischa? - Yes of course. To Misoha. I think I can walk Nana myself again. Yes. I should be going. Where I'm working, upstairs, there are some rooms for rent. A bit of a mess perhaps, but for sleeping... Yes? Good day, sir. May I ask you something? Did you know Joaohim West? - Yeah. So what? Hey, don't I know you? Could you tell me something about him? What kind of a person was he? Weird geezer. Didn't even have a television. What kind of impression did he make? Tail between his legs. Tail between his legs? And what else? Nothing else. You didn't have much contact? About the rent... that he didn't pay too often. That really pissed me off. But he was a 'writer'. You mean he wasn't? A real writer writes on a computer. He had an old typewriter that made a right racket in the middle of the night. And a real writer makes up his stories himself. Him, he went to funerals. Funerals? To hear stories, life stories, of the departed. That way, I oan be a writer too. I once saw him, at a funeral. There he was, silently sitting in the baok. Fly on the wall. What kind of typewriter did he use? A big, heavy one. Shit colored. Why? Thank you. Hey? But don't I know you from television? You are that singer, that opera singer. No, I'm not that singer. I am a writer. That writer. 'I am a writer. That writer.' But dad wasn't a man to leave it at that. Because, he already had a parking permit it just wasn't registered yet. So when he got a ticket he rushed out and asked what was going on. Well, they told him: they oouldn't find his oar in their system. And then he said he really had a parking permit... Is that Fabian Remarque? ...and that he wouldn't mind dragging them to court. Mr. Remarque? Fabian Remarque? What a surprise. Please go on. As you were, please. My father. Let's stop talking about him. He didn't amount to muoh, really. Compared to a man like yourself. Fly on the wall... May I help you? - Yes, I'm looking for a typewriter. You're at the right address, then. What type of typewriter? A big, heavy type. Aheavy type of typewriter? How heavy? As heavy as they oome. And not that it's too important, but it'd be nice if you would have one that is sort of shit colored? No coffee? Or cake? Or sandwiches? How did you know him? Or did you just come for coffee and a sandwich? No, not for a sandwich. Are you a relative? Yes, his son. Bert de Brauw junior. Actually, now my father's gone, senior. Can you turn around? And jump up and down? Get your clothes back on. How old are you? - Eighteen. Well, fifteen. Afresh young thing is always fine. I will have to have your papers forged. That'll oost money. So first two weeks no pay. I thought about committing suioide onoe as well. But I think I'm a bit too shallow for that. Why did you want? Do you know Fabian Remarque? Some pompous writer, right? I think he works a bit like me. I saw him recently at a funeral where I think he was doing research as well. You mean it was research, on that roof? I heard a few people had jumped off there. So I went there to understand what they must have felt, at their last moment. So I didn't save you? What a pity. Hello, Mr. Marcellis. - Fabian Remarque. I would like to ask you some questions about Joachim West. Joachim West? Writer for the connoisseur. Please come in. I didn't know that. How sad. As a writer, he was a oombination of storyteller and philosopher. Athinker, is what he was. And as a man? Like a charaoter out of one of his own stories. Did he have his tail between his legs? Tail between his legs? Wasn't that the impression he made? No, quiet pride, that's what he had. Not quite up to life... but realizing that himself. That's quite different from having your tail between your legs. Right. I had to think of him when I read this. Of Joachim West? Yes, of one of his short stories. Here it is. The story of the girl with the parrot. Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea? Yes, a cup of coffee would be lovely. The story line in 'ACity Depraved' about the girl with the parrot? Astraight reworking of a short story by Joachim West from ten years ago. How do you know? I went to see Marcellis. - What? He thought the story was based on a newspaper article. But what if West made the story up himself? Then it's plagiarism. Fabian Remarque plagiarizing Joaohim West! If you didn't have the unholy idea of publishing the book in my name... Why did you switch publishers seven years ago? Because you knew you needed an editor who could push you that last step to real greatness. I was the one telling you to paint your novels on a broader canvas. I told you to leave your wife and find yourself a younger woman. And see what it has brought us. You're a serious Nobel Prize oontender. So drop this 'if you hadn't come up with this unholy idea' bullshit. If you hadn't had writer's block... - No, I did that on purpose. You should have told me. I thought it would pass. Like the flu. I'll see if I oan find a newspaper article about a girl with a parrot. If there isn't such an article, you'd better have a good explanation. If a rumor about plagiarism starts, we have to stop it right away. Last thing we want is some... Hey, hi, Monica. Lea. Mr. Remarque. Some humble pie, that was. Fabian Remarque 'ripe to enter Literature's Pantheon'. You surprised me with 'A City Depraved'. I've never been much of an admirer of your work, to be honest. Many of course don't agree with me on that, but you really did surprise me. Thank you. Secondary form of life. What the hell were you doing at Marcellis'? If I have a clearer pioture of Joachim West I might be able to write again. Hi. Hello. What are you doing? Writing. I sleep in the room downstairs. Did I wake you up? Is mytyping bothering you? I think it sounds nice. My name is Annabel. And you are Fyodor. Ilse told me. She said she told you she's a dancer and then you pretended to think she was a ballet dancer. She was pretty badly beaten up. So I wanted to make her feel good about herself. And 'ballet danoer' sounds classier than 'nightclub dancer'. I'll send my mother a postcard. So she knows everything's okay. And you know what I'll say? That I've beoome a ballet dancer! I haven't found any proof she actually is a ballet danoer. But what is she then? Where is she? I have a number of very promising leads. I've already got further than the police. But to get any further, I need to put more time into the investigation. And time, as they say... Is money? I don't suppose I can get a discount because I'm on welfare? I'm a single mum. Assuming your daughter is still alive. Otherwise you were a single mum. Not to mention the child benefit you'll have to pay back. I was just joking. You're not saying you can't take a joke? And as far as the money is concerned, we might work out a solution there. Right? Hello. Mr. West? Doesn't live here anymore. Thrown out of his room. Here as well? And where has he gone this time? Don't know. I'll never put something in the mail for somebody again. You're not the first one who's come looking for him. Not the first one? First his publisher, and then that writer, that well-known writer. Well-known writer? From television. Who looks like that opera singer with the wide jaw. Hey, wait. If you find West, give him this. Found in his room, behind the radiator. Papers. And the next one looking for Joaohim West, will get the pit bull treatment. I'm getting sick and tired of it. Aotually I'm not so much looking for Joachim West as for his daughter. She ran away from home. Adaughter? So he does have balls atter all. I'd fall in love with her, if I were a man. With Ilse. When will you stop going on about that? No need to get cross. When was the last time you fell in love? I don't fall in love that easily. Who is the father, anyway? - Of my ohild? A man. Abit like you. You mean, as old as me? He came to the door. Doing a survey. And he liked me. Does he know? Shouldn't he take care of his child? I want to do it myself. It's my baby. What kind of survey was it? Perhaps it wasn't really a survey. Was he trying to sell something? Funeral insuranoe? What did he look like? - Abit ohubby. But darling, are you sure? You're fifteen... But darling, are you sure? You're fifteen... Yes, I'm sure. That's fantastic. Congratulations. And what's your seoret? - My seoret? I wheedled an advance out of my publisher but never delivered the novel. Money is hardly a seoret. But now she thinks I'm dead. Funny. Now a real secret. Then will you tell a real secret as well? - Yes. It may not be a real secret but it is something I'm ashamed about. Really? Nice. I once left somebody in the shit. Awoman? And at a not very convenient moment. She was pregnant? At least he's honest about it. - Yeah, well. And your seoret? Can I really trust you? - Yes, of course. I killed somebody. No seriously. A man. Not that long ago. You're late. Good riddance. But he is dead. But you know what's funny? That was the same night I saved his life. All our seorets have to do with life or death. Yes. It's me. Found anything yet? I can't find anything on the Internet about a girl with a parrot. Yes. Bye. 'Without Airs'... Why didn't you deliver that novel? It's been thrown away. When I was chucked out of my room. You let them throw it away? After working on it for ten years? You're crazy. Really crazy. It was pride. One should know one's limitations. Limitations. I bet you're very good, really. And, how was I? - Good. Wasn't I? Are you from this joint? This nightolub? Why? I'm looking for a girl that ran away from home. On behalf of her mother. Do you know her? You perhaps, do you know her? Forget the braoe. She doesn't wear it anymore. What an ugly bitch. No, I'm sorry. Your mother is worried about you. I've sent her a postoard saying I've beoome a ballet dancer and that everything's fine. Actually, I think... - What? That I should go back to her? And have the abortion she wants me to have? Do you like frankfurters? - Not really. What is the weirdest thing you ever saw? The weirdest thing I ever saw? An illusionist on the bier, in a crematorium. What's so weird about that? Wasn't he dead? He was, but he wasn't lying he was floating. Over the coffin? How do they do that, those illusionists? Lousy. In what sense? I dreamed that I was exposed, on a television program. The girl, the parrot Joaohim West, everything mixed up. And furthermore and this isn't a nightmare, I can't get an ereotion anymore if you really want to know. But why are you calling? I found it, at last. Afive-year old girl had lost her mother at a railway station and started roaming around, with a parrot in a birdcage. So no plagiarism, but both simply based on the same source. Yes, thanks. - You're weloome. Sir? Do you by any chanoe have a book by Joachim West? Do we have anything by 'Joachim West'? No, I'm sorry, sir. But can you tell me who is his publisher? How I can get in touoh with him? You oan't, or you just don't want to make the effort? I'm sorry, sir. But perhaps you oan tell me which well-known writer looks like an opera singer? Which opera singer? That famous opera singer, who looks like that writer. With that jaw? Please excuse me. That was your regular grand-café, where you meet attractive women but also have business meetings with writers up to the likes of Fabian Remarque. Who are you? Let's say The Ghost of Guilty Consoience. Awriter who got his abominable manuscript sent back with an accompanying letter? - You see: guilty consoience. Some time ago you called at Joachim West's house. What's so strange about that? I'm his publisher. Just as Fabian Remarque called for him. Why the interest of a person as famous as Fabian Remarque for Joaohim West? Well? First, let me tell you something else. About notes. Notes West made for the framework of a book. A book that in elaborated form would look exactly like Fabian Remarque's latest novel, 'ACity Depraved'. I went searching for Joachim West, but couldn't find him. He's dead. - Ah. You killed him. He committed suicide. Don't bullshit a bullshitter. Suioide, after just having written such a brilliant book? He'll come. Always late, that sort of type. He'll come. Always late, that sort of type. What kind of impression did he make on you? Asleaze ball. An exceptional sleaze ball. No, Joachim West. Did he have something sad about him? Tail between his legs? Or would you say it was quiet pride? Beyond shame. - Beyond shame... Well, perhaps not. I don't know. 'Not quite up to life, but realizing that himself'. What am I supposed to think of that? I oan't get a clear picture of him. There must be a reason he killed himself. Or was it just beoause he was unappreciated? What is that? That's what your masterpiece was written on. Joachim's typewriter? Yes, Joachim's typewriter. What? - It's me. Can I come and lie down with you? What? Why? I don't want to be alone. What happened? I felt the baby. Isn't it a bit early for that? - I really felt it. Can you feel it? - I can't feel a thing. I felt it. Do you ever think about me? Of course. - When? When I'm typing. Whether I'm making too much noise. I think the noise is nice. I think you are nice. It's nioe that you like me. I don't like you. I fancy you. Don't you like women? Women. Not girls. Girl? I'm not seven years old. According to my passport I'm eighteen. You're fifteen. All men in the club want me. If you like women you should want me too. Two years ago I was three times as old as you. What is that supposed to mean? When I was just bom you were a million times as old as me. The older we get, the closer we get. I don't care. - I do. Oh, really? No. Don't do that. It isn't good. What isn't good is not going to the police, knowing who killed that guy. We decide ourselves what's good and what's not. You're far too wise for a fifteen year old. You see! No, hand over simultaneously. This is 250 thousand? - 25 thousand. Seems reasonable enough. Listen, I give you all the papers, now you give me all the money. How do I know you haven't kept any papers? Just testing. What kind of fucking lock is this? Fabian Remarque, and his little publisher trying to kill an honorable citizen. Bunoh of book worms. Not a bit old-fashioned, a typewriter like that? Let's not make it a quarter of a million but one million exactly. Nice round figure. Non-negotiable. Because I'm the one calling the shots. Why did I bother buying that hammer? Fabian, why the typewriter? Seemed fitting. - Fitting? My deepest conviction, as a writer, is things should fit. And think of the symbolism. - I'm thinking of nothing else. I think I'll be an assistant. - What? Later. An assistant, to an illusionist. I'm sure they tell their assistants how their tricks work or they wouldn't let themselves be sawn in half. It isn't right what we're doing, Annabel. We must stop. Find yourself a nice boy your own age. - And what if I don't want that? Perhaps you just think you don't want it. I'm only fifteen, and don't know what I want? Is that what you're saying? Think you're not good enough for me? - That's not the point. Then I really don't understand. Who was that? Someone from my past. When you're as old as me, you have a lot of past. My former editor. Why did he oall you Joachim? That's my nom de plume. My pseudonym. David Copperfield isn't a real name, either. Think Hans Klok is really called Hans Klok? What I said, about you and me? I really meant it. It's about Ilse, isn't it? You love her. You just don't dare to admit. Monica speaking. Theo? Nice to hear from you. Something strange? What kind of strange? Theo Marcellis. What a surprise. How are you doing? I have to tell you something. Theo needed someone to confide in. It's about Joachim West. After unexpectedly seeing him on the street this morning I thought he had died I reread some of his short stories. And what struck me were the resemblances to 'ACity Depraved'. In other words, plagiarism. The interest of the publishing house has to come first, Lea. You have to make the plagiarism publio, yourself. And I'd gladly be of help? Who'd ever have thought it of Fabian Remarque? Do you know what Maroellis told me about Joachim West? He has a child. With a woman called Ria. In East Amsterdam. Ah, that Ria... in East Amsterdam. What we have to do is go systematioally door to door. What you have to do is go door to door. I'd be recognized. And if we find him, then what? Doing in a sleaze ball, a retired publisher or a literary journalist is one thing Joaohim West is a genius. Misunderstood geniuses aren't geniuses. You are a genius. You sell books. God only knows what he still could write. Sometimes it's a blessing when people die before their time. Van Gogh. Mozart. If he is a Mozart, then what am I? Have I been nothing but a second-rate Salieri all my life? Sorryfor the inconvenienoe. - That's alright. It was all her idea. We really only onoe... What are you writing? Is it about me? - No, not about you. About a celebrated writer whose luck somehow ohanged. A novella, just like I told you. Thank you. - Have a nice day. May I ask you something? Do you have a book that is grand and ambitious but not pretentious. Yes, this one. Yes, that was her: Ria. You found her? Does she know where Joachim is? No. The daughter, Annabel, ran away from home. She did send a postcard, saying she had beoome a ballet dancer. I went to a bookstore and asked for a book that is grand and ambitious, but not pretentious. As an inspiration for writing a new novel. It's a very successful book. That's nice of you. What a coinoidence. From my publisher. You know what the problem is with you? You don't have any self-confidence. Not in writing your book, not with Ilse. No Annabel Bakker or Annabel West in the ballet world. Now what, Lea? Yes? Oh, my God. - What? You're alive. We thought you were dead. I'm not dead. You have stolen my book. Joachim, you have to understand how this happened. Fabian had writer's blook, and got totally stuck with the whole machinery for the release of his book already started. And then your book oame in the mail. I went searching for you at your house, at the Salvation Army I even tried to find you through Annabel. But we thought you were dead. And who gave us that idea? Annabel? Annabel Bakker, your daughter. The book is an enormous success but not just thanks to your writing. Joachim, what you have to realize is that if you make this publio, no one would believe you. An unknown writer versus someone of the stature of Fabian Remarque. Let's make an appointment to straighten everything out? How about Monday morning, here at my offioe? I'll put some things on paper. I think he understands. He took it well. Surprisingly well. You're a golden duo. Our own, private money press. I don't just want to be a front for Joaohim West. Dammit Lea, am I a writer or not? Of course you are. But this has to be oelebrated. Come on, champagne. Ladies! Time to go up. We're doing a show! First show of the day! Hey, you old wanker. Hi, 'Joachim'. Tell me about your parents? My parents? My mother just is my mother. And your father? Don't know him. Don't oare either. Don't even know his name. He never showed any interest in me. But why? I know you don't think too highly of your mother but she wasn't born a bingo player. She must have had her dreams too. And she loves you, I'm sure of that. And she'll love the baby, too. I heard you're a bit in love with me? That isn't going to work. We're far too different. Are we really that different? Yeah, funny. I'm never sure with you... But well... I have money. Soon I'll have money. Congratulations. We have to get on stage. Bye. 'Dearest Annabel, I will...' As writers among themselves if you were a oharacter, how would you desoribe yourself? What is your seoret? I have tried to write like you. To write like me? That's why you were at that funeral? Why, sir, do you think I have a secret? Not so formal. Aren't we writers, both? What seoret? The seoret of how you oould write such a great novel. I wrote it, but it's your book. You are Fabian Remarque. Yes, it's my book. Who are you? Did you really write that book? Is that your secret, that you didn't write it either? No, that would be a bit too muoh. With you I'll have to do. Closer to unadulterated genius I'll probably never get. You followed me here, sir? I told you not to be so formal! Dearest Annabel, I'll be leaving. Don't be sad. It doesn't have anything to do with you. We've had a wonderful time. Joaohim. I assume this Annabel is your daughter? Concise, to the point, yet not devoid of feeling. Even a simple farewell letter is perfeot. You're right, I am Fabian Remarque. Knowing you'd be writing another masterpiece in some dump would oompletely paralyze me. I'd never be able to write again. Thanks to my writer's block, I know what it is not to be able to write anymore. This last year has been the most horrible of my life. Your talent is too great. It's you or me. You do understand, don't you, Joachim? I'm glad we bought him a nice coffin. Yeah. Annabel Bakker? Yes, let her in. Annabel, Joachim's daughter? I'm not his daughter, I'm his girlfriend. - Girlfriend? Or, am, was. He is dead. - Dead? He shot himself through the head. He had suioidal tendenoies before. Are you interested in a book by him? Well, a novella. Something he wrote recently. I feel I have to do this. For him. Have you read it? - No. Has anybody else read it? - No. I'll give it a serious look. If it isn't any good, you can always throw it away. You shouldn't blame yourself. He was very complicated. He wrote something like that in his farewell note, too. He was very sweet, alright. Fabian, it's me. Joachim West committed suioide. You'll never guess why. He was in relationship with his daughter. Yes yes, I'm still here. It's just that I'm speechless. Perhaps I'd have put an end to it as well, then. With your daughter. How awful. A novella? Bye, Lea. Mom? I'm home. As announced in Stockholm earlier today the Nobel Prize for Literature will be awarded to Fabian Remarque. Remarque, born Jan Kramer, was pleasantly surprised. For an in depth reaction we go live to Amsterdam where reporter Frêdêrique Ligtenberg is with the luoky man himself. Mr. Remarque, oongratulations. - Thank you. When exactly did you hear it? At half past twelve I got a call from Stockholm from the Seoretary of the Aoademy. And where were you? Here at home, working on my new novel that is progressing very nicely. What do you think tipped the balance for the Nobel Committee? 'ACity Depraved', perhaps? Everything oounts, including my earlier work of course. Or 'The Nobel Prize Candidate', perhaps the reoently published painfully honest novella that is more autobiographical than any of your work before? Like I said, the prize is for a body of work. It couldn't have come as a complete surprise? Your name has been mentioned before. - Well. To which your literary opponents... beoause you do have opponents always reacted with some soorn. Some people have a problem with me. I, for my part, don't have a problem with anybody at all. You're above all that, and don't stoop to that level? The only thing that counts in the end is the work itself. And that today has been so gloriously honoured. Mr. Remarque, thank you for your quick reaction. Thank you. Thank you, and baok to the studio. Previously on Royal Pains... You let a billionaire hospital trustee die to save some kid off the street. - I made a judgment call. - You made a mistake. This trip is gonna get you back on your feet. - What trip? - To the Hamptons! Stay in my guest cottage for the summer. This thing you have, it's genetic. Quite fatal. I'd like to start making some calls. Dr. Marisa Casseras. You don't want your dad to see how far you've come? When my mom got sick, he just walked out on us. What you did was gutless and pitiful. In the last three days I found the most wonderful man. Hi, boys. You are gonna love the new script. We've really dimensionalized your character. Fleshed out his backstory, given him a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend? Beauty and the Beast. It's timeless. I'm guessing I'm not the Beauty. [chuckles] Plus, the girlfriend will really shore up our female demographics. - But I live in a landfill. - Used to. Now you live in Miami. This isn't the minor leagues anymore. It sounds great, but I'd like to run it by Faith. Hi. I am so sorry I'm late. I forgot the name of the restaurant. Oh, is that the shooting script? Hot off the presses. - I have a girlfriend. - In a landfill? Miami. You are going to love this. We'll see when I read the script. [chuckles] So how long will you be in the Hamptons? A week. Oh, then you must come to a party that I'm having on Saturday. We'd love to. Oh, great! This is so exciting. It's my son Bowen's birthday... he'll be 11. He is your biggest fan. Terrific. Uh, okay, well, I'll let you two take care of the business stuff. Oh, Donald, a question. Do you travel with your costume? Because I'd love it if you could come in character. Sure. Love to. Oh, fantastic. Thank you, sweetheart. [police siren burst] [siren burst] License and registration, please. I saw you weaving while you were pulling out of the restaurant parking lot. You have any drinks while you were in there? Just a diet cola. You want to step out of the vehicle for a second? [warning bell dinging] And, um... Step over to the curb. All right, I'm gonna give you a field sobriety test. What I'd like you to do is take nine heel-to-toe steps towards me. All right, sir, I want you to stop. My legs. Sir, I'm not gonna ask you again! [electricity crackles] I hate having to hitch a ride. Why are you having lunch with Newberg anyway? Look, if Eddie's gonna be around and get tangled in our lives, I can't control it, but I can warn her. So you're choosing our client over our dad? Exactly. I just don't understand why you have to say anything at all. What the hell is that? Yeah, I need backup. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing? - He's suffocating. - He's a doctor. Look, you have to uncuff him now. No, I'm not letting Mongo loose. Look, he's got positional asphyxia. The only thing he's trying to get at is some oxygen. Please. It's gonna be all right. I got you. Evan, help me roll him over now. Let's go. There you go. There you go. Oh, my God, it's the Garbage Collector! Deep breaths. Deep breaths. That's the Garbage Collector. - Oh, my God! - Let's get him up. - Let's get him up. - How? [grunting] Oh, boy. Oh, boy! There you go. Are you okay? [breathes deeply] That's it. Slow, deep breaths. Oh, my God, I'm a humongous fan of yours. Humongous... forever. Like, I've seen every one of your movies. I read the interview with Fangoria last month... Epic! You want a picture, don't you? I would love... Well, I mean, Yeah, I would love a picture. All right. Oh, my God. - Okay, here you go. - No. - Just ple... - All right. "Cheese" on three. One, two, three... Cheese! - ♪ my independence went away ♪ ♪ I didn't listen when it said ♪ ♪ rely on yourself ♪ ♪ trusting someone else ♪ ♪ is a path for the silent ghost ♪ Garbage Collector I cost, like what... Like 100 grand? It grossed $80 million. 80 million! You must have made a killing off that, right? - Evan, would you please... - What? I got paid $700 for three days' work. What? Are you serious? I didn't have any lines in the first one. I mean, I wasn't complaining. It was better than being a bodyguard. Arnold Schwarzenegger's bodyguard. Right? Arnold Schwarzenegger? - Right. - That's so cool. By the way, Garbage Collector IV, The last one... by far the best one... by far. It made Garbage Collector III look like Garbage Collector I. What does that even mean? How much do I owe you, doc? [camera clicks] I think we can call it even. [chuckles] Mm... I shouldn't have eaten that cake, Hank. I should have just applied it directly to my thighs. [chuckles] Okay... So this is, uh... This is a little awkward for me. Hank, I'm not trying to replace your mother. What? No, that's... Your father is a wonderful man, but we're just dating. Though he is hard to resist. Did you know he's bringing sexy back? I wasn't aware it had left. - But you should know... - He's not after my money, if that's what you're worried about. Well, I... He told me all about his financial problems. How he borrowed money from you, and he was embarrassed when he paid you back late. - He told you all that? - We have no secrets, Hank. Well, maybe I kept one or two. Yeah, he may have also. You know what? My last name is reserved. Would you excuse me a second? I don't know how I can make it clearer. That table is reserved for someone else. Yes. And let me make this very clear. I don't get that table, I'm talking to your manager. Uh, is everything okay here? - Yeah. Hi, Hank. - Hi. - I heard you were having lunch over here, And I thought maybe I would join you for coffee. I was asking for an extra chair. I've got a busy day. I'm gonna get going. Thanks for meeting me, Ms. Newberg. So great to see you. What are you going to do with that? I want to send this to a lab in the city To look for newly identified gene mutations that could be pertinent to your situation. And if they find them? Well, then, we'll know which direction to head in. There are a number of places doing good work in this area. Open up, please. U.C. San Diego, Berlin, Buenos Aires. How strangely refreshing. There's one study by your research contact in Cuba, Dr. Casseras, that seems particularly promising. But I've had a difficult time reaching her. Yes. Okay, well, I'll let you know as soon as I hear back. All right. Thank you, Hank. [knock on door] Oh, my God, that's him. That's crazy, he's at my house. Okay, try not to gush. Uh, I don't think I will. I was talking to myself. This is awesome. This is awesome. Hi. Hello. Just as you described. Uh, Evan R. Lawson. I'm the CFO of HankMed, llc. Oh. Faith N. Green, Esquire. CEO of Garbage Collector Productions, llp. Wow. Welcome. I believe you've met Donald? Yes, we have met. Hello, sir. How are you? - How you doing, man? - Welcome. Hey, Donald, good to see you again. Hey, doc. This is Divya Katdare, my physician assistant. - Ma'am. - So how can I help you? Well, his knees and lower legs have been feeling weak, He gets a tingly feeling in his feet, and his balance is occasionally off. I'll shut up now. How long has this been going on? Two to three months, give or take. I mean, it comes and goes. Yeah. Thank God he has an insurance physical in two weeks, otherwise he'd never agree to see a doctor. That's absolutely the last thing I'll say. Faith, why don't you and I step outside for a sec? - Sure. - Just for a sec. I think that's a good idea. Why don't you come into my office. Whoa. He's gonna be fine. Okay? I promise you. He's in really good hands with my brother. Thanks. God. There's just so much going on right now. He's under such stress. We both are. - Well, the Hamptons is a pretty good place to reduce stress. Is it? I've never been here. Really? Maybe you'd be willing to show me the sights. Willing and able. - Great. - I mean, if my brother's okay, - and our schedule is clear. - What's that? Donald is my big brother. You knew that, right? I hope you're messing with me. Because, short of a white snake reunion, that might be the most frightening news I've ever heard. - Oh. Is everything okay? - Yeah. They just ran some tests. Yeah, I'll let you know as soon as we have the results. In the meantime, no mayhem, no killing bad guys or whatever. - No, we have no mayhem. We have nothing on our schedule. In fact, Evan was going to show me the Hampton sites. - Yeah. - She asked me. Just because you guys... Oh. I think you should take her to a nice restaurant. - Yeah. - Where a gentleman would take a lady. [cracking] We have a lot in common, you know. We both work for our brothers. We both have professional degrees in fields we're not using. And we both think you're cute. True, true, and true. Oh, well, last year, you know, between being on location and personal appearances and Donald can't say no to anyone, we were on the road for 39 weeks. - Whoa. - I know. You must get exhausted with all the flying. But you're getting points, though, so that's good. Oh, no, we drive everywhere. What? No wonder you're on the road for 39 weeks. Well, flying is not too comfy for Donald. When he's in row 21, his feet are in row 19. You know what, I'm gonna make you a "HankMed travel kit". It's something I throw together for clients who are always on the go. That is so sweet. It's just a bag full of trinkets. Are you okay? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm fine. I'm just so used to being the caretaker That, when someone does something for me... Well, I'll tell you what, Faith, if it makes you feel any better, you can pay for dinner. You can pay for the whole thing. You know, traveling so much, you rarely meet good guys, and when you do, it's... you're off to the next town. Hmm. Oh, they're just vitamins. Being on the road as much as we are, You do what you can to stay healthy. Yeah. Of course. Big ones. So I'm really out of practice with this whole dating thing, but you want to get out of here? Now? - We just got our dinner. - Oh! You haven't even touched yours yet. Yeah, well, I recently lost some weight, And I feel so much better, And I just plan on keeping it off. - Okay. - Okay. This is nice, isn't it? Yeah, it is. [cell phone beeps] Oh. I'm sorry. I have to get this. Yeah, yes. Of course. Henry, mayday, mayday. You need to call me in five minutes And pretend that it's an emergency. Yes, I'm completely serious. Call me in five... Henry? [sighs] I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. - Where were we? - Where were we? Things have really changed for Donald and me this last year. Do you know how many weeks I was on the road for? 39? - Yes, exactly. - It was lonely too. You rarely meet any good guys, and when you do... [laughs] What? We just had this conversation, right? We just had this exact conversation. You don't remember that? [laughs] Sorry about the shoe thing. Arnold's letting me use his house for the week, and he's really finicky about that sort of thing. Hey, don't want to make Arnold mad. Right. So all your tests came back negative. Except you're slightly anemic. Is that causing the weakness in my legs? Oh, not by itself. You don't have an iron deficiency anemia, and your sodium and potassium levels are fine. Donald! What? - Hi. - Hey. What's up? I was in the area, thought I'd stop by and say hi to my friend Jill. And? Does there have to be an and? And do you know where there's an MRI machine big enough for a seven-foot-tall, 500-pound patient? Wait. The Garbage Collector's your patient? Yeah. How... Hank, I love the Garbage Collector. I have the entire DVD box set. So do you know where there's a large MRI machine I can use? Uh, well, it's a bit unorthodox, but, yeah. Do you want to tell me? I don't. But I'll show you. I saw the first trash collector at fear fest. I had nightmares for six months. - Thank you. - And in one, I dreamt that I went to the orthodontist, and he gave me trash teeth. How do you even talk with those? I have ten different sets of teeth. Some for long shots, some for closeups, and then some for talking. So it's a horse MRI. Sorry about this. Don't be, Jill. I've had to live with being big my entire life. As a kid, I was growing so fast, for entertainment, my parents used to stand me in the middle of the room and just watch me grow. [laughs] - Okay. - I guess we should go in. Come on, let's go. [cell phone rings] Okay, so it's not baseball. Remember? Just tap it. Just get it over the net. [cell phone rings] Are you gonna finally answer that? No. I already know who it is. [voice mail chime] It's this girl. She's really cute, actually. She likes me. But she has a brother who's the size of Trump tower, And I suspect he wants to kill me. Well, you know, that's the Lawson curse. - Oh, yeah? - When you're wildly desirable to women, that's the cross you gotta bear. - Lawson curse. - All right. Coming at you. [exhales] So it's good. It's a homerun. - Yeah. - Hey, pal, can you help me out? The guy at the gate said make a left at the topiary. What the hell is a topiary? A topiary, that's a shrub or a tree trimmed into decorative shapes. Look, I just gotta drop off some medical supplies and get on with my route. Oh, yeah, that's my son, the doctor. I'll sign that. Thank you. - What's the name? - Eddie. Hi, Evan. Oh! Oh, no, Evan. Hey, Faith. So you're... you're alone. Um, how... what are you doing here? Oh, Donald has an appointment. - Oh. - He has another appointment? - Another? - Yeah, he was here yesterday. Friday, right? [exclaims] Oh, no, it's Saturday. The party. Okay, I have to get to further lane. - Do you know where that is? - Uh. [chatter] [laughs] It's mature. Maybe let some of the other kids go. It was my turn. What's with the 910 text? What does that even mean? It's not quite a 911 emergency, but it's close. - So that's why you got me here? - Yeah. Hank, please, you need to run interference with Faith. Okay? She keeps conveniently forgetting things to get what she wants, which happens to be me. - Hey! - Oh, hi. - Hey, Faith. - Yeah, she's crazier than Glenn close on Easter. Okay, I'm s... Talk to her. - See for yourself. - Okay, are you... Are you familiar with the Hubble telescope? - Yeah. - It's the most powerful telescope in the world, right? I mean, it can actually see into distant galaxies. - Yeah. - If I were using that telescope right now, I still wouldn't be able to discover how little I care about your problem. - Okay. - I'm begging you here. Please. Please. Her brother's here. - Donald's here? - Yeah, he's in the cabana. He's doing something for the kid's birthday. - Oh. - I just... look. I'll prove it to you. Okay, I will prove it to you. Give me five minutes to make the clock go cuckoo, we're out of here. Five minutes. Five minutes, we're out of here. Don't forget to get a gift bag on your way out. Hey, Hank, did you know That your brother is the sweetest person in the world? - Well... - I get so lost around here, and he offered to drive me. He is my knight in shining armor. - That's nice. - Nice to see you, Faith. You guys look cute together. Did you tell him to say that? [laughs] Uh, Donald? - Hey. - Hey. I've never had a groupie before. Uh, yeah, no, I'm actually here because my brother sent me a 910 text. Don't ask. How's the hand? Not bad. All things considered. - Yeah. - Looking good. Is all this supposed to scare the kids? - Yeah. - Why? I don't know. The kids out here, they're, you know, they've kind of seen it all, so... [sighs] that doesn't bode well for me. No. Unless... Unless? Okay, everybody. Pay attention. Hands up. - Put your hands up. - Okay. Okay, kids, gather round all over here. Gather round. Hands up. Okay, good job. Good job. Now is everybody ready for the big show? Yes! Are you excited? Yes! Ready! [roars] [roars] [roars] Yeah, this is not going so well for him. No. You threw that recyclable in the wrong container. Uh, yeah, I guess I did. It's people like you that are ruining this planet. Oh, yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? [laughs] What am I gonna do about it? Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! - Oh... okay. - Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! Trash him! - Trash him! - Hello. You're not gonna even try to help? Hey, are you familiar with the Hubble telescope? It's time to take out the trash! [laughs] Oh. Oh. Uh... Donald? [groaning] oh! Weren't you supposed to gently place me in the trash can? Hank, I can't feel my legs. [groans] I think I'm suffering from post-traumatic Donald disorder. Okay, what are you doing? I'm putting together a "HankMed travel kit" for Faith. She gets a bobblehead? You either really like her or really don't. [laughs] I'm trapped. I can't do anything with Faith because of Donald. And I can't not do anything with her because, well, because of her. It's just-it's your classic existential dilemma. Yeah, I don't think you know what "existential" means. - No, I know what it means. - I don't think you do. I've been thinking about pulling a will together. Um, I leave everything to you, but since I don't actually own anything, you just get the will. So does that interest you at all? No, it doesn't. Where'd these come from? Well, you see, when a mama box - and a papa box... - Really? Delivery guy brought it. I didn't order broad-spectrum antibiotics, and if I did, I wouldn't use this many in a year. They're from Germany, addressed to Boris. [shouts] [shouts] [shouts] [shouts in German] Sorry to interrupt. [speaking German] Hank, what can we do for you? Well, I was a little surprised to find Costcoized box of fixime, doxycycline, and azitomycin in my living room. Oh, yeah, I imagine you would be since they weren't meant for you. [shouts] Someone give you a heads up the apocalypse? Can you tell me why you had those medications sent to your home? They're not for my personal us Hank. So they shouldn't concern you. What should concern you is that an Edward R. Lawson, your father, seems to be making himself at home in my home. And apparently he particularly enjoys the shadow pond tennis courts. Since that's where he signed for the medications himself. - He signed for them? - Yeah, as simply "Eddie". It would seem the Lawson is now implied around her yeah? It won't happen again. I consider myself a hospitable man, Hank, but my hospitality has its limits. I said it won't happen again. I'm your doctor. My personal life doesn't concern you, especially not my father, so, please, stay out of it. Remind me again. What do we know about Edward Lawson? - Hey. - Hi. These are for you. They're freshly baked. - Oh. - They're Tate's. Local delicacy. Yeah, freshly baked there. Would you mind hiding them? I don't want Faith to see them. Why? Is she a diabetic? No, she went on a serious diet a few months ago. I'm really proud of her, but I try not to leave around food that might tempt her. Okay, well, I would very want to do anything to tempt her, so I'm just gonna go and find a place to stick these. I could think of a place. - I'll go check on Faith. - Okay. So your spinal tap came back negative For encephalitis and multiple sclerosis, which is great, but now I'm stumped. Isn't there, like, a no-stump clause in your contract? Well, that's why there's specialists. I have some calls out. I can set it up with Faith. I just hope the word specialist doesn't freak out Faith too much. Well, if it does, there are specialists for that too. Evan, something happened today, and I really need to tell someone. Oh, um, maybe you should tell your brother Oh, I can't. Okay, well, if you can't tell him, then, by all means, don't tell me. I got offered a job. Do you not hear anything I say? It's at this great environmental law firm back in our hometown. - Faith, if you're a lawyer, why aren't you practicing law? Oh, well, I finished law school, passed the bar, but before I could get a job at a firm, Donald asked me to work for him, you know, and I couldn't say no. Yeah, I have that same problem with him. When we were young, he was so sensitive about his size. And even though he was playing varsity football In the sixth grade, I wanted him to feel like he was still a normal kid. I spent my life taking care of him. You may find this hard to believe, but not too long ago, my life was parties, women, and cash... Parties I couldn't get into, women I could never date, and cash I never had, but, yeah, it was bad. I was "Lost Evan". I didn't know it at the time, but I was. And then Hank's career went down like the Hindenburg, and things started looking up. We moved out here, and everything changed. No more "Lost Evan"? Yeah, but I didn't find myself and attain Evan R. Lawson, CFO of HankMed status until I moved in with my brother, okay? I feel like you're not gonna find yourself until your leave yours. Tell Donald. I don't want to be there when you do. [laughs] But tell him. [sighs] Wait here. I forgot to take my vitamins. Yeah. Um, and for the record, I really like "Found Evan". - Hey. - Hey. What are you doing here? - Donny invited me. - Donny? You call him Donny? He told me to call him Donny. So you guys are just on a Donny basis now? [laughs] Wait, are you jealous? No... I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I don't like seeing other guys make you laugh. Ah. Especially not enormous ones like that guy. So only you can make me laugh? Yes. [laughs] - I rest my case. - Okay. Look, I get it. I am sure I wouldn't enjoy watching another woman make you laugh. And I wouldn't want to see you laugh with another woman. Or call her Donny. [laughs] That really bothers you. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I'm sure you can call him Donny too. All you have to do is ask. Yeah. Excuse me one minute. Well, I didn't mean now. Hey, you want me to man the grill? That's kind of a personal question, don't you think? - Well, I just thought... - I'm fine. That grill won't give you the same gentle, pillowy cushion that my torso did. If you wanna help, here. Dinner's done. Carry this to the table. You have any food for us? [laughs] Wise guy. - Hi, Jill. - Hey. - Thanks for coming. - Hey. Thanks for having me, Donny. Anybody see Faith? Yeah, she... She went to get some vitamins. Faith? Hey, Faith, food's ready! Fai... Faith! [gags] - What's happening? - My chest. Yeah, your esophagus is obstructed. We have to clear her airway. - Okay, thank you. - The EMTs are on their way. What are you gonna do with that? Get what's in there out. Okay, hold that. Thank you. Okay, here we go. Hank, that's not helping. What are you doing? I just lowered the deflated balloon into Faith's esophagus. Okay, thank you. Now I'm gonna inflate it... [gags and screams] okay. Okay, good. Now I'm gonna lift it and hopefully it will pick up what's stuck and pull it out. Divya. There's something in there. Okay. There we go. - Whoo. - What is that? I'm not sure. Pills of some sort. Faith, come here. Have you been taking anything? - Yes, vitamins. - Yeah, big, horse-sized ones. Because... for my diet. Why don't we give them some doctor-patient confidential time, Hmm? But I want Evan to stay. No, no, no, she's delirious. She meant Donald, right? You meant Donald. She meant you. - Stay. - Okay, I'll stay. Yeah. Don mentioned that you lost some weight recently? Did you have a gastric bypass? How did you know that? A guess based on the concretion I just pulled out, and I have been wondering why you've been wearing long-sleeved shirts in July. Well, m-my body lost the weight but forgot to lose the excess skin. And I'm guessing you didn't follow the strict diet that goes along with that surgery. I was, but then all this stuff happened with Donald, and I just... I got so worried that... I kinda went off my diet. Which led to the acid reflux, which narrowed your esophagus and didn't allow much to get down. Can a gastric bypass cause memory loss? Yeah, you mentioned Faith had memory issues once? - Did that happen again? - Yeah. And again. And again. - Yeah. - Well, see... If the body doesn't absorb enough vitamin B1, You can suffer short-term memory loss. It's called Korsakoff syndrome. Korsakoff syndrome. Please tell me that that sounds worse than it is. It's very treatable when caught early and if you stick to your diet. Please keep this between us. I'll go tell them you're okay. [humming shrilly] ♪ ♪ Hey, Eddie van McEnroe, Could you please take off the headband? I didn't even know this, but by stringing your racket right, it completely changes your game. You need to have game first. All right, look, no more headbands, no more rackets, no more tennis. What? I signed two whales on a golf course. I can't even play golf. Can you imagine the possibilities of this? - The possibili.. - Boris and I had a... thing. Okay. A thing. What kind of a thing? I kinda snapped at him. All right, so... He's our golden goose, okay? You can't snap at the goose. You gotta be nice to the goose. You gotta pet the goose. - Just pet... - stop saying pet. And you can't piss off the goose, 'cause the goose could get mad. Do you know how easy it would be for him to kick us out of the lake or the swamp... - ... wherever geese live? - As easy as it was for Eddie to sign for Boris's packages? Okay. So this isn't about Boris at all. - This is about Dad. - Look, Eddie shows up, - and so does trouble. - No, no, no, no. Eddie shows up, and suddenly you're weird. - Suddenly, you're the Un-Hank. - What? The... Un-Hank? Yeah. You're "Moody Hank". You're... you're... You're "Hank Light". You're too much of the Henry, not enough of the Hank. All right, first of all, I'm not a diet cola. And if I have been acting differently, which I'm not saying I have, it's just because it's what he does to me. Then why don't you just deal with it? He's not Satan. Talk to him! [cell phone rings] Hold on. Yeah? Jill, what's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there. He didn't want me to call you, but he was having trouble breathing. I'm okay. I'm fine. It's nothing. - What were you doing? - Carrying those boxes. Yeah, Donny's donating a bunch of his stuff for the hospital to auction off for the children's ward. And he got pale and sweaty. You try carrying around 485 pounds in July. When I cleaned your forehead on the road, I didn't see this white in our beard. Your skin looks very dry. Those are signs that your copper level is dangerously low. Why is it so low? - Wait. Those are... - Trash teeth. Dentures. Faith, can you grab Donald's denture cream? Lost my teeth doing security. Some idiot tried to take a swing at Schwarzenegger. I intercepted his fist with my mouth. Thank you. How much of this stuff do you go through per month, like how many tubes? If I'm shooting or promoting one of the movies... Tube a day. More if you have a lot of scenes. Yeah. This adhesive has high levels of zinc. Your body's been absorbing it, too much of it, which is what I think has been causing your lack of balance, your muscle weakness, and your numbness. But what about the white in his beard? Zinc toxicity causes low levels of copper. I mean, I never would have thought to ask a guy your age about dentures, but you can't use this adhesive anymore. - Okay. - You can keep your teeth. You just need to use better-fitting dentures - and adhesive cream without zinc. - Fine. Then you'll be back to trashing those bad guys in no time. Garbage Collector's a good guy, right? Okay. Now you're just embarrassing yourself. - Hey. - Hi. We really can't thank you guys enough, even though, as far as dysfunctional siblings go, you give us a run for our money. Anytime you guys wanna drop by the set, just let me know. - With the landfill? - Yeah. Oh, my God, that's like a dream come true. Yeah. Or a nightmare, in the best possible way. - Yeah, we'll call Faith. - Actually... I'm in the market for a new Faith. Really? Have you considered Judaism? 'cause we could use someone your size. - I'll tell you what. - We could. Donald and I talked, And we decided it would be best to dissolve our professional relationship and keep it strictly siblings. Apparently, it's better for both of us. You taking that environmental law job? - Yeah. - She is. Evan. Come here. Okay. Little closer. Little closer. Uh... Whoa, whoa. Thank you for being a gentleman. Hank. Thanks for helping Faith and me. Oh, my... my pleasure, Donald. Call me Donny. - Really? - Yeah. All right, Donny. - Okay, we gotta run. - Okay. See you guys. Bye. Hey. [grunts] - I... - It's okay. - He's a big guy. - Yeah. - He's a big guy. - He is a big guy. - I love you. - You've gained a little weight. Wow. Henry, you look fantastic. - Thanks for meeting me. - Are you kidding? Ha. It is my pleasure. How 'bout this? Best table in the house, huh? It's a great table. I was so thrilled when I got your message. So I wanted us to talk. I'll assume you came here to the Hamptons back into our lives with the best intentions. But I think you should leave now. Sorry? You should go. That's not what Evan wants. It's what I want. For both of us. Yeah, but you're not the father... I am. [laughs] Excuse me. Hank. When you were little, these hands... Changed your diapers. When you couldn't sleep, these arms rocked you until you went back down. I am the same man who got up every weekend, rain or shine, at the crack of dawn, to take you to your soccer games. And you know what? That was my favorite part of the week. We would talk... Tell stories. Remember? We tried to see who could make each other laugh hardest? We were best friends. Look in my eyes. Please. It's still me. Look. It's still me. Just out of curiosity... Those feet? Are they the same ones that walked out on us? You listen to me, Dr. Smartass, and you listen good. I came here with my tail between my legs, but apology time is over. You don't tell me where to live. You don't tell me who to talk to. Oh, and by the way, who the hell are you to talk to my girlfriend behind my back... To warn her about me? And just for the record, I'm not going anywhere. I might have lost one son, but I sure as hell am not gonna lose another one. - It's time... - To take out... The trash! [roars] Aah! [thudding] Yeah, take that, tattoo guy! Oh... Oh! I mean... Awesome! That was so superior to Garbage Collector III. Every time I-I... [stammers] I'm speechless. [remote control clatters] Maybe because you've been talking to the screen for the last 90 minutes. - Yeah. Or yelling at it. - What about you? Well, you know, I gotta admit, it was good, you know? It was repulsive yet riveting. Oh, yeah. It's the Citizen Kane of environmentally correct slasher films is what I like to say. Um, so should I give Boris the Garbage Collector figurine, or should I give him the Garbage Truck? - What? - Well, you know, I'm sure he already owns both. And Boris is fine. Don't worry. - Where you going? - For a run. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Well, you can't run away from your problems, Hank. No, Evan, but you can't fault him for trying. [tires screech] Are you okay? Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry for sneaking up on you like that. And given your taste for speed, maybe a jet would be a more appropriate mode of transportation? - I am so sorry. - That's fine. I hate being late... I've got a meeting with Mr. Kuester Von Jurgens-Ratenicz. Ooh, "A" for pronunciation. They don't give A-pluses here? - Well, it's a tough castle. - Oh. So listen, you can park there or there... Or there. Okay, okay, yeah. I think I go tit. You got it? - Uh-huh. - Okay. Try to keep it to under 55, huh? Will do. Well, you come very highly recommended. Very impressive. Top of your class. In... every class. [laughs] Yes. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. It's a blessing and a curse. So do you have any other questions? I think not. If you wouldn't mind just reviewing and signing the nondisclosure agreement. Absolutely. You don't care to read it. I'll be discreet not because of a piece of paper I've signed but because it's good business. Very good. I have a feeling you're going to make an excellent concierge doctor. That day, Mom set the table as usual. She continued doing it for years waiting for their return. We have left it set. I have been waiting for the girls too. Library Dr. Minerva Mirabal Dominican Republic So, now we are going to see something that will interest you. Let's move on to the museum where the Mirabal sisters' personal belongings are preserved, where they lived the last 10 months of their lives. They studied in La Vega at the Colegio lnmaculada Concepción. Here is the living room furniture, Patria's dress. On this side are the belongings found by the police at the crime scene. This is the bloody cloth... used to dry their bodies after their death. After he took the presidency, the dictator Rafael Leónidas Trujillo would remain in power for 30 years, getting rich and killing. Those fears are over, honey, they are over. These times are different. It is not so dangerous now. There is not such persecution to all those against the government. It's no longer dangerous to come to this house. Trujillo was the generalissimo, the president, the most powerful businessman, and the biggest landowner. Men and women's destinies were in his hands. Better said, almost all men and almost all women. GENERAL RAFAEL LEÓNIDAS TRUJILLO HAS BEEN PRESIDENT FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS. HIS DESPOTIC REGIME MADE HIM THE ABSOLUTE OWNER OF THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. ALMOST HALF OF THE POPULATION DEPENDS ON HIS OWN FACTORIES... WHILE HE FILLS HIS BANK ACCOUNTS WITH HUGE AMOUNTS. HE FILLS THE CEMETERIES WITH HIS OPPONENTS' CROSSES. FOURTEEN YEARS OF TRUJILLO'S DICTATORSHIP ARE STILL AHEAD... TOO MUCH TIME TO STAY STILL DOING NOTHING. Union freedom! Salary increase! What a pretty girl. This girl is from Salcedo. She comes often. Hurry up, Minerva! It's getting late! Union freedom! Salary increase! Get out with your people. We are protesting! We won't leave! You are disrespecting the authority. I said, get out! - We will keep on! We are protesting! - Get out! We will keep on. We are protesting! - Get out! - Evil! Tropic of Blood Go on! March! One, two, three, four... Exiled man denounces oppression of Trujillo's dictatorship Get him! Yes, sir. If there is so much democracy in Chile... why are you coming here to mess around in... 'the brutal Trujillo's dictatorship'? I was expressing myself freely. In Chile, demonstrations are allowed. And here, Trujillo allows us to fuck freely all those who protest. Look! I will say it to you only once. If I find you again doing what you are not supposed to, I will crush you like a cockroach. Take this piece of shit out of here. University campus. It's time for you to stop spending your life painting landscapes, reciting poems of Neruda or Juana I don't know who... De lbarborou. The truth is I would give anything to just paint and recite. I am not surprised. Your latest grades were a whole poem. Let me show you a poem. 'When I came home 'Lonely streets without voices, streets, streets... 'Carrying a lamp in my pocket 'Death gave me a signal with the rain...' 'And the dove...'? 'And cut my lips with his sword. 'The dove cried with my silence And turned off when I turned on my lamp.' I will miss you, my friend. I will miss you too. But don't think that you will go alone to the university. Really? Ciudad Trujillo, June 1949 - Long life, Chief! - Chief. Welcome, Chief. How are you, Generalissimo? You are very pretty. Whose daughter are you? I am your dear friend Carlos Soler's daughter. These are for you. Help me, Chief, my son is sick. I need your help. I know you can help me. Take care of that. Thank you, Chief. Who put that sign there? 'TRUJILLO AND GOD' That sign, Chief? Put it the other way. So it would say? God and Trujillo! Long live the Chief! DOMINICAN PARTY We have organized meetings to support you in all the provinces, Chief, and now we are starting with the smallest ones. And you? We will publish a photo album of all the works achieved during the 19 years of your government, Chief. I like that. Say it out loud so everybody can hear it! The expedition of the rebels who arrived by the Luperon Bay has just been wiped out. Gentlemen. I like that! We have to celebrate! If you could see all the nice things you can find in the capital... - Ah, Mom! - ...you'd die. It seems that Minerva very much liked the capital. Or someone from the capital. Neither one nor the other. What I know is that I would like to move over there. Look, they are going to inaugurate the university campus. In the capital. I want to become a lawyer. The capital is not a good place for you, much less a good place to defend others. Many years will pass before the capital becomes good for me, Mom. Don Ramon's daughter went to the capital and got into politics, and now she can't even leave her home. In addition, what will a young lady like you do living there? Patria has a family already. Dedé is getting married in a few months. Who is going to help me at the store? What you have learned so far is enough. Long live tradition. And now, what happened to you? Nothing, making space for accounting books. Having read all those books has driven you crazy. And probably none of them says that here in this country Trujillo is the law, the stick, and the constitution. - Thank you, Don Enrique. - My pleasure! Regards to Doña Tola. Of course. How are you? Here is the prescription... Well, here you are. I hope the kid gets well. - Thanks. - God bless you. - I will pay you tomorrow for sure, eh? - No problem. Thanks. Oh! Don Enrique, how are you doing? - Hi, Gertrudis, how are you? - Very good, thank God. - Give my regards to your father. - I will. See you. What's going on? Well... Come here. What's going on here? Don't be so impatient. It's a surprise. Oh, my God. How is it possible? Look at this beauty! Look how nice it is. It is yours, Minerva. - Do you like it? - It looks like a Hollywood car. That's the brake pedal and that's the gear shift. That girl is impressive. I've seen many pretty women, but like her, never. What did you say her name was? Minerva Mirabal. In the whole region, people just talk about her and her sisters. Ah! I haven't told you yet! They are three gorgeous women. You'll see when you meet them. And when would that be? Unless you have a better idea, it would be good having a party in your honor organized by the province politicians, and I would do the arrangements with Governor Antonio de la Maza. Enrique. I don't like it at all. I don't like the idea of going to that party with Minerva. The chief insisted that we should go with the whole family. The governor himself asked me. There are mothers that invent illnesses for their daughters just so the chief won't get interested in them. You know what I am talking about. I think you worry too much. Dedé was telling me how it was like the chief was eating Elvira with his eyes the other night at the Hotel Montana. Chéa. No one is going to eat anyone. You know the chief well, and you know he can eat one daily. Don't be ridiculous. It's all right that you want to pay tribute to the chief, but don't exaggerate. This party is for dancing and drinking, it is not a fucking congress. If everybody gives a speech, we won't be able to have a drink. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Honorable President of the Republic, Generalissimo Dr. Rafael Leónidas Trujillo Molina, benefactor of the Nation. The Honorable President of the Dominican Republic. How is the province, Senator? More Trujillistic than ever! Antonio, how are you? Well, very well. Thank you, welcome. Aida. Always so beautiful! How is Antonio doing? He likes better fights than politics. Chief. Over here. - Excuse me. - Go ahead. The Mirabal family, Chief. Pimpo tells me this party is in my honor, but he is wrong. It should be in honor of those beautiful ladies. Especially you, miss. May I... If I may. It seems it is time to dance. Great. Let's go. Tribute to the Chief from the Mayors of Salcedo Province. Miss. What is your name? Lucia. Are you a student? Yes, sir. Would you dance with me, miss? With pleasure. Miss Mirabal, shall we dance? Have you ever been told that you are the most beautiful woman in the world? Don't exaggerate. Although I've been told I am the most stubborn woman in the world. A friend of mine says there are no stubborn women, only weak men. Well, you don't have the reputation of being a weak man. I hope you don't have the reputation of being too stubborn. You don't like it? It's a bit strong. I would love to have you close. Wouldn't I be too old for you? But you are interested in politics. You could work in my government. Well... Politics seems to me pretty violent since I saw my friend Pericles Franco beat up by the police. Thank you for the dance, Miss Mirabal. I want to leave. Minerva, sit down! My daughter, please! Please. Minerva, you know that nobody can leave here before the chief has. Just in case, did I come with him? Sit, Minerva. He's an animal. Let's go. Chief. They've left. You've brought a family of communists into my party. - Allow me, Chief... - Incompetents. 'Allow me' nothing, damn it! You, Antonio, you didn't learn anything from me? You are so incompetent. Damn! Captain! Yes, sir... the person. Do you remember the tall, gorgeous mulatto I was talking to? Of course, Chief. Invite her to have a cup of coffee. Yes, sir. What is it you don't understand? What is it you don't understand? What you need to do is to send an apology letter to the chief, that's it. I won't pay the consequences, miss. I'm not willing to take any responsibility for any insolent girl. But I didn't do anything wrong, Governor. I don't understand why I should write an apology letter if I didn't do anything bad. Miss, keep in mind that you don't live in Switzerland. Please. Look at this sign. You see what it says? 'God and Trujillo.' It's a lie because God is Trujillo. Because he gives and takes. You should understand that. Minerva and her stubborn mind are going to destroy this family. She doesn't know who's the chief, damn it. You're marvelous. For you, Chief. Sir, Miss Mirabal didn't want to come. Call me Colonel Ovando. Yes, sir. Finally, I have the honor of meeting the famous Minerva Mirabal. Sit down. Why are we under arrest, Colonel...? Ovando. Tomás Ovando. At your service. How strange that such a cultured person, a girl so educated as you, did not send a letter to the chief apologizing for having left his party without even letting him know. My father did, however, and he is in jail. You forced him to leave without letting the chief know. You didn't want to write to the generalissimo because you prefer to send your letters to another address. Just in case you did not notice the chief distinguished you by dancing with you more than once. Will you also deny that you refused to toast the chief during a dinner in Salcedo? And I had to? What I don't understand is how a woman of... your condition... does not take advantage of it to obtain whatever you want. Like helping your daddy by just... asking. Why don't you finish your sentence? May I leave? This woman is a man. Daddy. Forgive me. Better times will come, brother. Hey! Fello. I will need to shut down the store, Fello. I've just fired... God bless you. God bless you. What's going on, Dad? Nothing, my daughter, nothing. Business problems. I am a merchant, Fello. I would not trade a bag of coffee for a hundred books. I think that you will get what you want. Nobody can make my daughter change her mind. Imagine when she becomes a lawyer. You'll let me go to the university? Did you hear this, uncle? Your Honor. My client, Don Enrique Mirabal... deserves to be discharged from the terrible charges against him. As you will see, it is inadmissible because the accusations naming him as presumed intellectual author of the unfair mortification that would be caused to his daughter are incongruous. And all that for not having been able to register as the first woman from Ojo de Agua who dreams of graduating as a lawyer with the highest honors. Thanks, Dad. I am going to the university. Are you OK? Yes, sweetheart. University of Santo Domingo, 1952 Trujillo First Teacher of the Nation We are going to revise those formulas for next week's exam. Yes, yes, yes. You, as future chemical engineers... Minerva? Yes? Minerva. No wonder you don't find time to fall in love. I agree with Francis Bacon. I prefer books before men. If you don't study men, my friend, none of them will study you when you get older. Ah, shut up. How are Miss Mirabal's studies doing? I was told she is a very intelligent woman. Well... It is true, Chief. She is a brilliant woman. Maybe that's why she is so popular at the university. So, you think Miss Mirabal could create her own party? Chief, the thing is... that there is only one party, and it is yours. And mine as well. But there must be some mistake. I don't understand why I can't register. All my grades are very high. I already told you, these are orders from the top. Next. There is only one way for you to get back into the university. Write a speech dedicated to the chief. Ah, Minerva. Don't forget that in this country dilemmas are forbidden, too. Here the chief matters are yes... or yes. 'As proof of gratitude for the thousands of community works that gave fame to your ideas about the collective welfare...' 'In a flourishing time of realities...' 'Due to the fact that in ancient Rome the natural source of law 'came from the customs and practices known as ius non scriptum, or unwritten law.' This is very good, Minerva. - Hi. - Hi. Hi. Maria Teresa! Baby. Honey, what are you doing here? What a surprise! I knew I would find you here. Milagros told me. You scared me to death. Why are you here? To buy some medicine for Daddy, who is sick. - He's going to get better, don't worry. - I know. Want to get some ice cream? No, I can't. Or you could escape from the pension... Good Lord! No, I must return to Salcedo right now. But first, tell me how it went. What happened? They denied us the scholarship. But why? The intelligence service says we don't qualify. My God, and what are we going to do? I don't know. I don't know. Taxi! Sir, hi. The lady needs to go to the bus station to Salcedo. I'm not working any more today. My shift's over. Thank you. Thank you. THE SPIRIT OF THE CHIEF This is for you to understand that you are too stupid, asshole, to carry with you the spirit of the chief. Daddy! You will come with me to Jarabacoa for a while. I think it would be good for you. Look, there's a pharmacy. I'll be right back. Miss, could you give me something for a headache, please? Fifty. You don't seem to be from here. Too ugly or too weird? Too pretty. In fact, a weird beauty. I hope your headache will pass. I hope not, so I can see you again. Thank you. A really handsome girl. Wait, look. There she is. We'll talk later. May I help you? I was lucky to find you. Another headache? I was going to have a big one if I couldn't see you again. Get ready to buy a barrel of pills. I am going back to Salcedo tomorrow. I was just on a forced vacation. I swore on the Virgin that I would walk on my knees up to her altar if you opened your window during a serenade. You pray instead. It would be cheaper and less painful. You think? Your uncle told me you are a law student. What would you think if I told you that I am a law student, too? Well, you are investigating too much. Wait. Madam, I owe it. Look, for you. Thank you. You're ahead of me. But Mom always says the ones ahead are not that far if the ones in the back run fast. The only thing I'm saying is I wouldn't mind waiting for my future partner. Imagine the sign: 'Taváres Mirabal, Attorneys at Law.' And why not, Mirabal Taváres? Well... why not? It is pretty. Hey! You haven't told me when I will see you again. This country is very small. I swear my desire to see you again is larger than this country. And larger than the chief? Good-bye. No, I'll see you soon. Yes, damn! Larger than the chief. Your brother is here. What should I tell him? Let him come. The garrison from the capital will join our movement. They are just waiting for the signal. Good job! Congratulations. But... I will have to take care of the government while things get better. But you promised I'd be the president. Remember, politics depends on the circumstances, and considering the circumstances you will need to be patient. Do you understand? So... The general is... conspiring because he wants to become president, like the chief. That's it, Generalissimo. And you, Daniel? What were your aspirations? I just aspire to do what the chief says. My General... You know the chief would do nothing to separate such good brothers like you. I bet you that letter is from an admirer. What, are you a graphologist? Well, looking at your happy face. Let me see it! No. You and your riddles. You do not know anything. It's a poem. And Mom knows? - Mom! - Don't pay attention, Mom. This little girl has someone to take care of her. Don't pay any attention to her, Mom. Dedé's just exaggerating. He is just a friend. His name is Manolo Taváres, and he is from Monte Cristi. I hope he is just as studious and responsible as you. But what does he do? Who is he? Say something, woman. Let's say he is interesting. But when she says he is interesting, - it is because she is interested. - Of course. I think it will be enough for him just to look at me. What's that? It's a fiesta de palo. - My love... - Come on! Let's go! I didn't know you could sing. I didn't know you were so beautiful when you're woken late at night. I love you, sweetheart. For your safety, you should write a letter to the chief telling him about your wedding. Sounds good. Write it yourself. What time are you leaving? What time are you leaving? Hey! It's getting late! I need to take off at 6:00. Honey, it will be for another day. Let's go. Thank you, Aida. Octavio, when shall I see you again? I know. Even though you're my brother, you can't tell me anything. Bye. Be careful, OK? - Yes! - Same to you. You're the one that needs to be careful. May God be with you. Have a good trip. Thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit in New York City. The police still doesn't know the whereabouts of Jesus de Galindez, a professor at Columbia University, who was kidnapped from his Manhattan apartment. Everything seems to point to the Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo as responsible for the kidnapping of the Basque writer who launched some serious accusations against the tyrant in a thesis about his prolonged regime. The suspicion that Galindez has been brought to Ciudad Trujillo has shocked American public opinion, which Trujillo has shown an incredible impudence for, at the gates of Washington. I must confess that our friend's situation is extremely delicate, although I recognize he's been a great collaborator with the U.S. Now... the White House doesn't believe your government has nothing to do with the kidnapping of Mr. Galindez. I believe that it would be in the generalissimo's interest to make his story more credible. The only thing I could do was to eliminate this Galindez. What did this man think? That he could discredit me and offend my family? I understand, Chief, but I do think we should get worried. Leave the politics to me. But, Chief, this Galindez affair is disturbing our relationship with the Americans. The press over there only publishes venom against you, and we could lose the sugar quotas. Pimpo, don't worry about the sugar issue. I will send the senator, my friend, a good quantity of green sugar, the one he likes. Very well. - Pimpo. - Sir. Finish up what they told you in Washington. That the White House doesn't believe that tale. Estervino. Tell me, Chief. What is the name of the pilot who flew in the communist, the Basque? Octavio de la Maza, Chief. But you should know... that there were other people involved in the case. So, you are telling me you believe there are too many witnesses? Tavito. There is something I don't get. Listen to me. Tavito has nothing to do with this. But he is Antonio de la Maza's brother. And? A friend of the chief. Torres, listen to me! He's the one who brought the prisoner by plane. Damn! But who is he? He's just a fucking pilot. He was going to say no to the chief? When the gods ask for sacrifices, we have to please the gringos, my dear. Brother! The victims, in that case, could be us. Those gringos. When they begin to bother... they do it until the end. Antonio, what happened? They killed Tavito. Swear you'll help me to avenge him. Swear it! Antonio! FROM GENERALISSIMO TRUJILLO Here we go! Here will be the fabulous offices of the best lawyers in the world. It seems I'm going to litigate from the kitchen. Somebody has to cook. Truth is, I don't understand you, Minerva. You spend a whole life working hard to finish graduating in cooking. I've also graduated in fashion. I've got many orders. We can't survive solely on legal verbosity, right? But this doesn't answer my question. What's happening to you? They've denied my license to practice as a lawyer. It can't be. You're joking. No. No, but here the government... Trujillo can't do that. He doesn't have the right! Shit! It can't be. It can't be, my love. They denied it. After all those years of working so hard... And they denied it. My love. My love. Come here, sweetheart, I want you to see this. My love. My love! Antonio, the chief is here. This is the check for the contract I've told you about for the roads at the border. I am here because of the great esteem I feel for you and your family. You can be sure that you can count on me for the rest of my life. Thank you, Chief. I will also keep you in my mind until my last breath. Leave me. Leave. Leave me alone. Mr. de la Maza, we are very sorry for the loss of your brother. Thank you. You know... I thought a lot about what we said on that day. You don't need to be Swiss to understand. See you later. Try to resign yourself. Resign myself? I do not know yet what that means. What happened? The expedition arrived. Excellent. We don't even know who to welcome. What happened? Did he talk? Nothing new, General. We know that Betancourt and Fidel Castro helped the guerrilla. This communist is asking us to kill him. So please him. Great. A new comrade from the capital. - This is what you've been asking for. - Put it over there. Be careful. It's me! It's me! In case you didn't know, this isn't a game. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, little sister. Can you understand that, damn it? And you, Minerva? I don't want anything bad to happen to you either, can you understand that? I am 25 years old. I am old enough to know what is going on in this country. I don't want to toast anymore for this beast. I see there's more than one stubborn woman in the Mirabal family. You scared me. Another one to educate. Colonel. Don't worry, please. I just came to thank you for what you've done for my promotion. That's only justice, son. Let's hope this fucking shit of Johnny Abbes and the '40' will not destroy your nice career. You want a drink? Give me one. Sorry, Colonel... but you mentioned the '40'. This is the torture center designed by Abbes. The ones they bring there... leave there dead or crazy. There they beat up men and women. They say there is an electric chair. You will see how this beast will bring the chief to his ruin. Look at the picture. No, look at it. We were bad. But where this son of a bitch goes, nothing remains normal. Nothing! We were tough. Efficient. But we were not some degenerates like this Johnny Abbes. JOHNNY ABBES Chief of Military Intelligence Service Father Luis Peña González How many are there in your group? There's 20 of us. Twenty isn't enough. We need 100 or more. Give us a week, and we will recruit comrades. We need to be ready for the demonstration. Let me try that. It's delicious. Smells good. Look how big your son is, Nelson. Don't mention it. We are getting old, sister. Trujillo is the one getting old. He has been poisoning our lives... for 30 years. Shall we start? This is one of the lights we will use to guide the planes. Great. Marien and Cocuyo will pick up the lights in Guayacanes and set them up. Dinner is sewed. You may come now. That smells delicious. Minerva, Dulce brought you a gift. It's forbidden. We got it off the black market. I hope you'll like it. Thank you, Dulce. By Pedro Mir. Look how interesting. 'There is a country in the world located at the same journey of the sun... native of the night.' We don't even figure on the Tropic of Cancer. Trujillo has put us in the Tropic of Blood. Welcome to Santo Domingo. Thank you very much. Sit down, please. It has been a while since the last time. Yes, two years. Lots of things have happened since the last time you were here. In Ciudad Trujillo there is always something going on. Hello... How much for one of these lollypops? It's on me. Thanks. I would love to go to Paris. When you speak French well. Always the same story. I love your hat. Really? I bought it for you! Thank you. You know, so many things have occurred here since the last time you were in Santo Domingo. My friend, please. Miss. I am a little bit lost. Where is Dr. Mejia Ricart's house? Gustavo Mejia Ricart, over there at the corner. - But I am not sure how to get there. - Let me show you. Let me tell you that what is going to happen today will interest your newspaper very much. You think so? I'm positive. The tyrant Rafael Leónidas Trujillo Molina continues to... Down with Trujillo! Down with Trujillo! Down with Trujillo Let's go! They went that way. A tall guy, brown hair? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. That way. Down with Trujillo These revolvers and shotguns have to be moved elsewhere. This neighborhood is full of spies. Well! Well! Here are all the children of the upper-class. And we're going to fuck them so they remember that everything their daddies own they owe to the Chief. I will deliver the weapons to you tomorrow. I am recruiting new members. These are the blueprints of the fortress. Lieutenant Jimenez Correa sent then to me from Puerto Plata. He is a brave man. Tell me. The commandant wants to see you in the fortress. Colonel. We know who is the head of the conspiracy. You know the story of the hydra with seven heads? No, sir. I don't know it very well, but it appears what you are telling is not the whole story. This conspiracy against the chief is a hydra with seven heads, and you are only talking about one head. We need to increase the foundations of the movement to successfully face the dictatorship. - This is correct. - OK. That's the idea, which is why we need more men... Let go of him! Let me go. Please don't! '40' Jail You are all faggots! Come on, take the fucking picture. Listen carefully to what lam going to tell you. I am losing my patience. Who else is part of this plot, or do you wish to take your secret to hell? Are you going to talk? There are hundreds of detained men. There is one thing you didn't even notice. The one who organized this plot is not wearing pants. She is wearing skirts. Damn fool! This Minerva Mirabal bitch is fooling you. Excuse me, Chief. That's life, Chief. After you allowed them to vote, the Dominican women have progressed a lot. And this arrogant Minerva Mirabal is not only a pretty woman, she is also a high-level political leader who dared to challenge you. Who were you taking the bombs to, damn it? Bitch. Bitch. Tell him. Remember what you told me. You handed me two of them in the car. Tell him! We are fucked anyway. Who else is in your group, bitch? You are going to remain silent? Emilia, we are fucked anyway! Tell him, please! Fresh meat. Pair of bitches. Don't touch her. Leave her alone! Animals! Dr. Joaquin Balaguer assumes the presidency. What does the American embassy say? The consul told us that the weapons shipment has been authorized. Fuck! If we continue to wait for those weapons, Trujillo is going to die of old age in the damn palace. Cool down, Antonio. Be patient. To kill Trujillo is not that simple. I'm going to put it simply... What is missing is some dynamite in the balls. That's what it takes. 'Send me some plaster. 'I am so close to finishing something nice... that I am making.' 'Also...' And also some thread. And a piece of cotton cloth to sew a dress for Minou. Sisters and brothers, God Almighty gave us liberty so his sons can live in harmony. We ask you to pray for all those who are suffering in the jails of the country and for their distressed families. Let's pray. My girls! It's all over. Well, Chief. Thank you for receiving me. I have come before you... to ask... to beg you... to free my husband and brothers-in-law. - You know... - You! Do you believe they are in prison because they threw me flowers? I raised this country... from the ground up. There was nothing here. This was a village of lazy people and little chiefs. I am the one who made sacrifices for its welfare. I am not going to allow a small group of traitors and ingrates to destroy everything I have done for you, damn it! At your order, Chief. Give Mrs. Mirabal a complete list of the factories... hospitals, schools and theaters, cultural centers, banks, agricultural projects that have been built under my government! That way, she will have a better idea... of what they were trying to destroy, her communist comrades in prison. Nine of us are going... to the Argentinean embassy. Minerva... ask for asylum with me. This criminal is not going to rest until he sees you dead. Perhaps I was born at the wrong time. Perhaps... he imposed his tyranny on the wrong person... but I am telling you I wouldn't want to be too far when this beast Trujillo dies. And you know it. Be careful. You know, Minerva is fascinated by planes. That is true. If she could, she would spend her life flying around like you. Well, I am leaving, because you need to talk about very important matters. Thank you for offering to be my only contact with the outside world. It is incredibly important that this message get to Alfonso Canto in his office in Manhattan. A lot of things depend on that to end this dictatorship before Christmas. Don't worry, what you gave me will reach its destination. Minerva. They transferred Manolo and Leandro to another jail... in Puerto Plata. What is the news? Nelson is already at home. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Look what I brought. Don't tell me that you came that far to cry. I would like you to allow me to go with the girls to Puerto Plata. It has been a while since I have seen my brothers-in-law. No problem. Say hello for me. Let's go! The visit is over, let's go! My love, I'm sorry. It seems we arrived just in time. Mom. I talked to the Bournigals, and they will lend us their jeep again. Now what we need is a driver. November 25th, 1960 What time are we leaving? You came? How are you? And your wife, and the kids? Very well, thank you. You understand the risks you are taking, driving us? Don't worry. When did I stop coming to this house? Even with all these spies always here watching, count on me. You are right. - I'll be right back. - OK. Thank you, Rufino. God bless you. God bless you, my girl. Minerva, please, think about your kids. Bye. Bye. Bye, Minou. Bye. Prison of the Fortress Let's go. Rent a house here in Puerto Plata. Move here right away, but stop those trips, Minerva. How strange. They are giving us more time than usual today. It's fair. We deserve it. Let's go, ladies, the visit is over! Let's go! Move on! I love you. Remind me to bring my sewing machine when we move to Puerto Plata. The storm's pretty far off. Stop this fucking jeep! Damned communists! Shit! Damned communist! Walk! Come on, walk! Keep walking! Keep walking! Damn! That's for messing with the chief. Talk. Now talk! You're not so tough now! Talk! You don't have a heart, animal! Talk. Talk. Take that, fucking communist! We're alone now. Now talk. You're not so tough now, huh? Keep talking about the chief. Keep talking about the chief. Damn it, the bitch is still alive! Stop! Stop! Thank you for everything, Doña Dedé. - Thanks to you, girl. - Bye. May 30th, 1961 Trujillo was killed by the group led by Antonio de la Maza. The material authors and one of the masterminds of the Mirabal sisters and Rufino de la Cruz murders never sewed the sentences to which they were condemned. Five years later, they were able to flee abroad with the help of the military. Those responsible for the execution of more than 100 prisoners at the '40' prison did not even go to trial after Trujillo's death in 1961. Dedé Mirabal took in the six children of her murdered sisters. Minou, Minerva's daughter, is a legislator. Jaime David, Dedé's son, became the vice president of the country. By unanimous vote in 1999, the United Nations declared November 25th the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women in honor of the Dominican heroines. Dedé Mirabal founded a museum to perpetuate the memory of her sisters. The facility occupies the house where the heroines lived until their assassination in 1960. This film is dedicated to Doña Dedé Mirabal. Pull yourself together, Teddy. Pull yourself together. It's just water. It's a lot of water. A lot of... Come on. –You okay, boss? –Yeah, I'm fine, I just... I just can't... Can't stomach the water. –You're my new partner. –That's right. Not the best way to meet, with my head halfway down the toilet. Doesn't exactly square with "Teddy Daniels, the man, the legend," –I'll give you that. –The legend? What the hell you boys smoking over there in Portland, anyway? Seattle. I came from the office in Seattle. How long you been with the Marshals? Four years. So you know how small it is. Sure. What about you? You got a girl? Married? I was. She died. –Jesus. I don't... –Don't worry about it. There was a fire at the apartment building while I was at work. Four people died. It was the smoke that got her, not the fire. See, that's important. I'm sorry, boss. Where are my goddamn cigarettes? Oh, here, have one of mine. I could've sworn they were in my jacket before I got on. Government employees will rob you blind. Thanks. They give you a briefing about the institution before you left? All I know is it's a mental hospital. For the criminally insane. Well, if it's just folks running around hearing voices and chasing after butterflies, they wouldn't need us. –Is that where we're headed? –Yep. The other side of the island is rock bluffs all the way down to the edge of the water. The dock, it's the only way on or off. We'll be casting off as soon as you two are ashore. I'd appreciate it if you'd hurry up about it. –Why? –Storm's coming. Never seen a Marshals badge before. I'm Deputy Warden McPherson, gentlemen. Welcome to Shutter Island. I'll be the one taking you up to Ashecliffe. Your boys seem a little on edge, Mr McPherson. Right now, Marshal, we all are. Electrified perimeter. How can you tell? I've seen something like it before. All right. You gentlemen will be accorded all the help we can give, but during your stay, you will obey protocol. Is that understood? Absolutely. The red brick building on your right is Ward A, the male ward. Ward B, the female ward, is the one on your left. Ward C is that building on the bluffs. An old Civil War fort. The most dangerous patients are housed there. Admittance to Ward C is forbidden without the written consent and physical presence of both myself and Dr Cawley. Is that understood? You act like insanity is catching. You are hereby required to surrender your firearms. Mr McPherson, we are duly appointed federal marshals. We are required to carry our firearms with us at all times. Executive order 319 of the Federal Code of Penitentiaries States that when inside a penitentiary, the officers of that institution have final authority. Gentlemen, you will not get through this gate with your firearms. Okay. Now that the official stuff's done, come on, boys, what do you say we go find Dr Cawley? When did she escape? This prisoner? I'm afraid Dr Cawley will have to fill you in on the situation. Protocol. Correctional officers at a mental institution, that's a weird sight, if you don't mind me saying. It's the only facility of its kind in the U.S, even the world. We take only the most dangerous, damaged patients, ones no other hospital can manage. And it's all due to Dr Cawley. He's created something really unique here. It's a hospital for people our society normally considers beyond treatment. Top of his class at Johns Hopkins, then Harvard... IDs, gentlemen. Show your badges, gentlemen. Dr Cawley's been consulted numerous times by Scotland Yard, MI5, the OSS... Why? What do you mean? What do intelligence agencies want to consult a psychiatrist about? I guess you'll have to ask him. –Marshal Daniels. –Doctor. Marshal Aule. Thank you, Deputy Warden. That will be all. Yes, sir. Pleasure, gentlemen. He had a lot to say about you. McPherson's a good man. He believes in the work we do here. And what would that be, exactly? A moral fusion between law and order and clinical care. Pardon me, Doc. A what between what and what? Those paintings are quite accurate. Used to be the kind of patients we deal with here were shackled and left in their own filth. They were beaten, as if whipping them bloody would drive the psychosis out. We drove screws into their brains, we submerged them in icy water until they lost consciousness or even drowned. –And now? –We treat them. Try to heal, try to cure. And if that fails, at least we provide them with a measure of comfort in their lives. Calm. These are all violent offenders, right? I mean, they've hurt people. –Murdered them in some cases. –In almost all cases, yes. Then, personally, Doctor, I'd have to say, screw their sense of calm. It's my job to treat my patients, not their victims. I'm not here to judge. –So this female prisoner... –Patient. Excuse me. Patient, one Rachel Solando, escaped sometime in the last 24 hours. Last night between 10:00 and midnight. Is she considered dangerous? You could say that. She killed all three of her children. She drowned them in the lake behind her house. She took them out one by one, held their heads under till they died, then she brought them back inside and arranged them around the kitchen table. She ate a meal there before a neighbor dropped by. –And what about the husband? –He died on the beaches of Normandy. She's a war widow. She starved herself when she first came here. She insisted the children weren't dead. Sorry, Doctor. You don't happen to have an aspirin, do you? Prone to headaches, Marshal? Sometimes. But today, I'm a little more prone to seasickness. Dehydration. –You all right, boss? –Yeah. In that case, you're quite right. The simpler the better. Thanks so much. Rachel still believes the children are alive. She also believes this place is her home in the Berkshires. You're kidding me. She's never once in two years acknowledged that she's in an institution. She believes we're all deliverymen, milkmen, postal workers. To sustain the delusion that her children never died, she's created an elaborate fictional structure, and she gives us all parts to play in that fiction. So have you searched the grounds yet? The warden and his men scoured the island. Not a trace. And what's more disturbing is we don't know how she got out of her room. It was locked from the outside, and the only window is barred. It's as if she evaporated straight through the walls. I brought her right back here after group therapy, locked her in, came back for midnight rounds, she was gone. Seriously, Doctor, how is it possible that the truth never gets through to her? I mean, she's in a mental institution, right? Seems like something you'd notice from time to time. How many pairs of shoes are the patients given? Two pairs. Sanity's not a choice, Marshal. You can't just choose to get over it. So, she left here barefoot? Come on, Doc, she couldn't get 10 yards in that terrain. Marshal? This is definitely Rachel's handwriting. I have no idea what the law of four is, though. –It's not a psychiatric term? –I'm afraid not. "Who is 67?" Fuck if I know. I have to say that's quite close to my clinical conclusion. Think it's just random scribblings? Oh, no, not at all. Rachel's smart. Brilliant, in fact. This paper could be important. Excuse me, Doctor, but we're gonna have to hold on to this. Of course. And you say she had to come through here? After lights out, the orderlies play cards in here. Last night, there were seven men sitting at the base of those stairs playing stud poker. Yet somehow, Rachel managed to slip past them. Why? How? She turns invisible? Doctor, we're gonna need access to the personnel files of all the medical staff. The nurses, the guards, the orderlies, anyone who was working then. We'll take your request under consideration. This is not a request, Doctor. This is a federal facility, and a dangerous prisoner... –Patient. –...patient... has escaped. Now, you will comply or... All I can say is I'll see what I can do. Doctor, we're gonna need to speak with the staff. Do you understand? I'll assemble them in the common room after dinner. If you have any further questions, feel free to join the deputy warden in the search. It's 11 miles to the nearest land and the water's freezing. Current was strong last night, tide pushing in. She'd have drowned or been crushed on the rocks, and her body would have washed back up on shore. What about those caves down there? Have you checked them? No way she could get there. The bases of those cliffs are covered in poison Ivy, live oak, sumac, a thousand plants with thorns as big as my dick. You said yourself, Marshal, she's got no shoes. All right, let's check the other side. –What's that tower? –It's an old lighthouse. The guards already searched inside it. What's in there? More patients? Sewage treatment facility. It's getting dark soon. I'm calling this off for tonight. Let's go, boys! You were on watch on the landing, huh? Yeah. Couldn't nobody get in or out of their room on that corridor without me seeing. Okay, Rachel Solando, who else does she have to pass to get down here? Me. Glen Miga. Sir, I didn't see nothing. And you were at your post all night? Yeah, but I didn't see a thing. Glen. Glen. Tell me the truth. I... I maybe went to the bathroom. What? You breached protocol. Christ... I wasn't gone more than a minute. All right, look. Let's back up here. Let's all just back up. Miss Solando was put in her room for lights out. Does anyone here know what she did before that? Anyone? Come on, anyone, anyone, anyone, anyone. She was in a group therapy session. Anything unusual occur? Define "unusual." Excuse me? This is a mental institution, Marshal, for the criminally insane. Usual isn't a big part of our day. I will rephrase. Did anything happen last night during group therapy that was more, let's say, I don't know, memorable than... –Normal? –Exactly. No. Sorry. Did Miss Solando say anything during group therapy? She was worried about the rain. And she hated the food here. Complained constantly, last night included. So you were there. Was there a doctor present? Yes, Dr Sheehan led the discussion. Dr Sheehan? Yes, he was running the session. He's Rachel's primary, the psychiatrist who directly oversees her care. We're gonna need to speak with Dr Sheehan. I'm afraid that won't be possible. He left on the ferry this morning. His vacation was already planned. He'd been putting it off too long. You're in a state of lockdown, a dangerous patient has escaped, and you let her primary doctor leave on vacation? Well, of course. He's a doctor. Do you have the phone number for where he's gone? Hello? Hello? Hello? Anybody there? I'm sorry, sir, but it's all down. All the lines. The storm's hitting the mainland like a hammer. If you get it working, come find me immediately. The marshals need to make an important call. Yes, sir. Hello? Hello? I'm afraid I have evening rounds in the wards, but I'll be having drinks and a cigar at my house around 9:00, if you'd care to drop by. Good. We can talk then, right? We have been talking, Marshal. Gotta say, I'm thinking I got in the wrong line of public service. It is a little overwhelming. It was constructed during the Civil War, the same time as the military fort housing Ward C. This is the original commander's quarters. When Uncle Sam got the bill, the commander was court-martialed. I can see why. Nice music. Who is that? Brahms? No. –It's Mahler. –Quite right, Marshal. Forgive me, gentlemen. My colleague, Dr Jeremiah Naehring. Quartet for Piano and Strings in A minor. Your poison, gentlemen? –Rye, if you got it. –Soda and ice, please. Thanks. You don't indulge in alcohol? I'm surprised. Isn't it common for men in your profession to imbibe? Common enough. And yours? I'm sorry? –Your profession, Doctor. Psychiatry. –Yes. I always heard it was overrun with boozers and drunks. Not that I've noticed. What's that? Iced tea in your glass, there? Excellent, Marshal. You have outstanding defense mechanisms. You must be quite adept at interrogations, hmm? Men like you are my specialty, you know? Men of violence. Now that's a hell of an assumption to make. No assumption. No, not at all. You misunderstand me. I said you are men of violence. I'm not accusing you of being violent men. That's quite different. No, please. Please. Edify us, Doctor. You both served overseas, huh? It's not much of a stretch, Doc. For all you know, we were both paper pushers over there. No, you were not. Since the schoolyard, neither of you has ever walked away from a physical conflict. No, no, not because you enjoy it, but because retreat isn't something you consider an option. We weren't raised to run, Doc. Yes. "Raised." And who raised you, Marshal? Me? Wolves. Very impressive defense mechanisms. Do you believe in God, Marshal? No, I'm quite serious. You ever seen a death camp, Doctor? His English really is very good. You hit the consonants a tad hard, though. You're a German? Is legal immigration a crime, Marshal? I don't know, Doctor. You tell us. Now, listen. We're gonna need those files on Sheehan and the rest of the staff as well. No personnel files will be released to you. Period. –We're gonna need those files. –Out of the question. Bullshit, out of the question! Bullshit! Just who the hell's in charge here, anyway, huh? Dr Naehring acts as liaison to our Board of Overseers. He relayed your request, and it's been refused. Refused? They don't have the authority to refuse, and neither do you, sir. Marshal, continue your investigation and we'll do all we can to help. This investigation is over. We're gonna file our reports and we're gonna hand it over to... –Hoover's boys. –Hoover's boys. That's right. We'll be taking the ferry back in the morning. Come on, Chuck. Nice night. You'll be bunking in the orderlies' quarters. Hey, boss. We really packing it in? Why? I guess... I don't know, I just never really quit anything before. We haven't heard the truth once yet, Chuck. Listen, Rachel Solando didn't slip out of a locked cell, barefoot, without any help. I think she had a lot of help. Maybe Cawley's sitting up in his mansion right now rethinking his whole attitude. –Maybe, in the morning, we'll be... –You're bluffing? I didn't say that. I found a whole stack of these, Teddy. Jesus, are you ever sober anymore? I killed a lot of people in the war. Is that why you drink? Are you real? No. She's still here. Who? Rachel? She never left. Remember when we stayed in the cabin in the summer, Teddy? We were so happy. She's here. You can't leave. I'm not gonna leave. I love you so much. I'm just bones in a box, Teddy. No. I am. You have to wake up. I won't go. You're here. I'm not. You have to face that. But she is. So is he. Who? Laeddis. –I have to go. –No. No, please. Please. I need to hold on to you. –Just a little bit longer, please. –Oh, God, Teddy. You have to let me go. I can't. Ain't gonna be no ferry in this shit. Doctor! Doctor, Doctor. We need to interview the patients who were in Rachel's group therapy session. I thought your investigation was finished. Well, it's not like we could take the ferry. Now, was Rachel receiving any other treatments for her illnesses? Do you know the state of the mental health field these days, gentlemen? No, not a clue, Doctor. War. The old school believes in surgical intervention. Psychosurgery. Procedures like the transorbital lobotomy. Some say the patients become reasonable, docile. Others say they become zombies. –And the new school? –Psychopharmacology. A new drug has just been approved called Thorazine, which relaxes psychotic patients, you could say tames them. And which school are you, Doctor? Me? I have this radical idea that if you treat a patient with respect, listen to him, try and understand, you just might reach him. Come on, Marge. It's okay. –These patients, huh? –Even these. What should be a last resort is becoming a first response. Give them a pill, put them in a corner, it all goes away. Rachel Solando was on a combination of drugs meant to keep her from becoming violent, but it was only intermittently effective. The greatest obstacle to her recovery was her refusal to face what she had done. "Was." Is there a reason you keep referring to your patient in the past tense, Doctor? Look outside, Marshal. Why do you think? Next up is Peter Breene. Assaulted his father's nurse with broken glass. Nurse survived, but her face is permanently disfigured. I can't wait. She'd smile at me. She was so sweet, but you could see it in her eyes. She liked to be naked, to suck cock. Okay, Mr Breene. And then she asked me if she can have a glass of water? Alone, in the kitchen, like that's no big deal? –Well, why was that a big deal? –It was obvious. She wanted me to pull out my thing so that she could laugh at it. Mr Breene. We need to ask you some questions, okay? When I cut her, she screamed. But she scared me. –What did she expect? –Interesting. But we're here to talk about Rachel Solando, okay? Rachel Solando. Do you... Do you know that she drowned her own kids? She drowned her kids! This is... This is a sick fucking world we live in, I'll tell you that. But you know what? They should be gassed. All of them. The retards, the killers, the niggers. You kill your own kid, gas the bitch. Could you stop that? –That nurse... –Please, stop that. That nurse, maybe she had kids, huh? A husband. Just trying to make ends meet, lead a normal life. It says in your file that you tore her face off. Didn't you? Congratulations. No more normal for her, not ever again. No. Do you know what she was afraid of? You. Could you stop that? Please? Stop that! Please! Stop! Do you know a patient named Andrew Laeddis? Do you? No! No. –Boss. What's up? –Fine. –I wanna go back. I wanna go. –Peter! Come on! I got him. Peter! Peter! Hey, Peter! Go back. –I wanna go back. –Come on, Peter. –I don't wanna see him. –Easy now. –I don't wanna see him anymore. –It's okay. It's all right. Oh, I'll never get out of here. I'm not sure that I should. Excuse me for saying this, Miss Kearns... –Mrs –Mrs Kearns. But you seem quite normal. I mean, in comparison to the other patients here. Well, I have my dark days. I suppose everybody does. The difference is most people don't kill their husbands with an ax. Although, personally, I think if a man beats you and fucks half the women he sees, and no one will help you, axing him isn't the least understandable thing you could do. Maybe you shouldn't get out. What would I do if I did? I don't know the world anymore. They say there are bombs that can reduce whole cities to ash. And what do you call them, televisions, voices and faces coming from a box. I hear enough voices already. What can you tell us about Rachel? Not much. She keeps to herself. She believed her kids were alive. She thought she was still living in the Berkshires, and we were all her neighbors, the milkmen, postmen... Deliverymen. And Dr Sheehan was there that night? Yes. He talked about anger. Tell me about him. What's he like? He's okay. Nice. Not hard on the eyes, as my mother would say. –Did he ever make a pass at you? –No. No, Dr Sheehan's a good doctor, he would never... Could I have a glass of water, please? No problem. –Thank you, Marshal. –Sure. I just have one more question for you, Mrs Kearns. Did you ever meet a patient named Andrew Laeddis? No. Never heard of him. She was coached. She used practically the same words as Cawley and the nurse, like she'd been told exactly what to say. Who's Andrew Laeddis? You asked every one of those patients back there about him. Who is he? What the hell, boss? I'm your partner, for Christ's sake. We just met, Chuck. You've been on the beat for a long time. You've got a duty. You've got a career. What I'm doing, it's not exactly by the book. I don't give a damn about by-the-book, boss. I just wanna know what the hell's going on. When this case came over the wires, I requested it specifically, you understand? Why? Andrew Laeddis, he was the maintenance man in the apartment building where my wife and I lived. Okay. He was also a firebug. Andrew Laeddis lit the match that caused the fire that killed my wife. Let them out! –What happened to Laeddis? –He got away with it. Laeddis got away with it and then he disappeared. About a year ago, I open up the paper and there he is. Ugly-looking son of a bitch. Huge scar from his right temple down to his left lip. Eyes different colors. Not the type of face you'd forget. He burned down a schoolhouse, killed two people, said voices told him to do it. First he went to prison, then he got transferred here. –Then what? –Then nothing. He vanished like he never existed. No record whatsoever. Pretty sure he's not in Ward B. That leaves Ward C. Or he could be dead. So could Rachel Solando, for that matter. Lot of places to hide a body here. Only one place no one would really notice. That patient, Bridget Kearns, when she sent me for water, she said something to you back there, didn't she? No. Come on, boss. She wrote it. Boss! We gotta get indoors. It's turning into a fucking Kansas out here. –Hold on. –No, let's go! Watch out! Jesus! –Come on! Up there! –Let's go! Get in there! Let's go! Boss! –God! –Jesus Christ! Damn it. God! –You okay, boss? –Yeah, I'm all right. So if Laeddis is here, what are you gonna do about it? I'm not here to kill Laeddis. If it was my wife, I'd kill him. Twice. When we got through the gates at Dachau, the SS guards surrendered. The Kommandant tried to kill himself before we got there, but he... He botched it. Took him an hour to die. When I went outside, I saw all the bodies on the ground. Too many to count. Too many to imagine. So, yeah, the... The guards surrendered, we took their guns, and we lined them up. It wasn't warfare. It was... It was murder. Yeah, I've had enough of killing. That's not why I'm here. So what is this all about? After Laeddis vanished, I started doing some checking on Ashecliffe. A lot of people know about this place, but no one wants to talk. You know, it's like it... It's like they're scared or something. You know, this place is funded by a special grant from The House Un-American Activities Committee? HUAC? And how exactly are we fighting the communists from an island in Boston Harbor? By conducting experiments on the mind. At least that's my guess. And you think that's going on here? Like I said, no one would talk, right? Till I found somebody who used to be a patient here. Guy's name is George Noyce. Nice college kid. Socialist. He gets offered some money to do a psych study. Guess what they were testing? Toothpaste. So, he starts seeing dragons everywhere. He almost beats his professor to death. Ends up here in Ashecliffe, Ward C. They release him after one year, right? And what does he do? Two weeks on the mainland, he walks into a bar, stabs three men to death. His lawyer pleads insanity, but Noyce, he stands up in the courtroom and he... He begs the judge for the electric chair. Anywhere but a mental hospital. Judge gives him life in Dedham Prison. And you found him. Yeah, I found him. Well, he's a mess. But it's pretty clear from what he tells me. What? They're experimenting on people here. I don't know, boss. How do you believe a crazy guy? That's the beauty of it, isn't it? Crazy people, they're the perfect subjects. They talk, nobody listens. I stood at Dachau. We saw what human beings are capable of doing to each other, right? For Christ's sakes, we fought a goddamn war to stop them, and now... Now I find out it may be happening here? On our soil? No. So what are you really here to do, Ted? I'm gonna get the proof, I'm gonna go back, and I'm gonna blow the lid off this place. That's it. Wait a minute. You started asking around about Ashecliffe, waiting for a chance to get out here, and then suddenly they need a U.S Marshal? Yeah, I got lucky. There was a patient escape. It was the perfect excuse. No, no, no, boss. Luck doesn't work that way. The world doesn't work that way. They got an electrified fence around a septic facility. Ward C is inside a Civil War fort? A Chief of Staff with ties to the OSS? Funding from HUAC? I mean, Jesus Christ, everything about this place stinks of government ops. What if they wanted you here? –Bullshit. –You were asking questions. –Bullshit! Bullshit! –Bullshit. We came here for Rachel Solando. Where's one shred of evidence she even existed? There's no way they could've known I'd be assigned to this case. There's no way. What if while you were looking into them, they were looking into you? All they had to do was fake an escape to get you here, and now they have you. Now they have us both. Here! Now! Marshals, are you out here? This is Deputy Warden McPherson. Marshals! How about that? They found us, huh? It's an island, boss. They're always gonna find us. I know you're in there. We're getting off this goddamn island. You and me. Come on. –Come on! –Go, go! Get dried off. Dr Cawley wants to talk to you now. And hurry up! This thing is turning into a goddamn hurricane! I dropped those suits off to be cleaned. Should be ready by tomorrow. That is, if we all don't wash away first. You know, speaking of which, I'm afraid your smokes are pretty much done for. So... This is our only choice, huh? Got something really nice in a prison gray if that don't work for you. Now that you mention it, these are just fine. That's why I must repeat my insistence that all Ward C patients be placed in manual restraints. If the facility floods, they'll drown. You know that. That would take a lot of flooding. We're on an island in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. A lot of flooding seems like a distinct possibility. It's a gamble, Stephen. Say the power fails. There's a backup generator. And if that goes, the cell doors will open. Where are they going to go? They can't just hop a ferry, scoot over to the mainland and wreak havoc. Oh, you're quite right. They're far more likely to wreak havoc right here on us. If they're manacled to the floor, they'll die. This is 24 human beings. And you can live with that, can you? Well, frankly, if it were up to me, I'd put all 42 in Wards A and B in manual restraints as well. –Excuse me! Excuse me. –Marshal. I'm sorry, Doctor. I just have one quick question. Yes, I'll be with you in a moment. When we spoke this morning about Rachel Solando's note... "The law of four." I love that. You said you had no idea what that second line could refer to, correct? "Who is 67?" Yes, I'm afraid I still don't. None of us do. Nothing comes to mind? Nothing? Because I believe I just heard you say there are 24 patients in Ward C and 42 patients in Wards A and B, which means there's a total of, what, 66 patients at this facility? That is correct, yes. Well, it seems to me Rachel Solando was suggesting that you have a 67th patient, Doctor. But I'm afraid we don't. This is ridiculous. What are they doing here? We're doing our goddamn job. Didn't McPherson tell you the good news? No. What's the good news, Doctor? Rachel's been found. She's here. Safe and sound. There's not a mark on her. Who are these men? Why are they in my house? Police officers, Rachel. They have a few questions. Ma'am. There has been a sighting of a known communist subversive in this area, passing out literature. Here? In this neighborhood? Yes, I'm afraid so. Now if you could tell us what you did yesterday, where you were, it would really help us narrow down our search. Yes... Well, I... I made breakfast for Jim and the children, and then I packed Jim's lunch and he left. Then I sent the children off to school. And then I decided to take a long swim in the lake. I see. And after that? After that, I thought of you. I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't know what you're talking about. Don't you know how lonely I've been, Jim? You're gone. You're dead. I cry every night. How am I supposed to survive? God. Rachel, it'll be all right. I'm so sorry, but every... Everything's gonna be all right. Okay? I buried you. I buried an empty casket. Your body rained down, lumps of flesh splashing into the sea, eaten by sharks. My Jim's dead, so who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? –Who are you? –Hey, hey, hey, hey. –Who are you? –It's okay. Rachel. Rachel, it's all right. Let me go! No! –Rachel, it's okay. –Look at me, look at me. I'm sorry about that. I didn't want to interrupt. I thought she might tell you something. We found her down by the lighthouse, skipping stones. We've no idea how she got out, but... I'm gonna have to ask you to go down into the basement. There's food, water and cots. It's the safest place to be when the hurricane hits. Are you all right? You look pale. I'm fine. It's just... Boss, are you okay? It's just so goddamn bright, isn't it? Photosensitivity, headaches sometimes. Marshal, are you having a migraine? I'll be all right. Come on, I got you. What's wrong with him? Take these, Marshal. Couple of hours, you'll be as clear as a bell. –What's wrong with him? –He's having a migraine. Imagine someone sawed open your head, filled it with razors, and shook it as hard as they could. Take the pills, Marshal. –I don't... I don't want the pills. –It'll stop the pain. Marshal, take the pills. He's going to need to lie down. Oh, my God! Michael, there's broken glass all over the floor. –Make sure all the meds are locked up. –Watch your back. Make sure everything's okay in Ward B. Go down to the infirmary and see if there's any more... All right, Doctor. Give him a bed. This one here. –Over here. All right, boss. –Yeah, that's it. –You have him? –Yes. Careful. All right. Could be worse right now. He'll be all right. Who is that? Him? That's the warden. Don't you worry about him, all right? Come on. Lay back. Lay back. He looks like an ex-military prick, huh? Well, you know what? I ain't gonna argue with you on that one. You should have saved me. You should have saved all of us. Hey, buddy. Hey. Laeddis. Yeah. My... My buddy. No hard feelings, right? Yeah. No hard feelings. A little something for later, 'cause I know how much you need it. The clock's ticking, my friend. We're running out of time. Give me a hand here. I could get into trouble. I'm dead. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you save me? I tried. I wanted to, but by the time I got there, it was too late. See? Aren't they beautiful? Why are you all wet, baby? Laeddis isn't dead. He isn't gone. He's still here. I know. You need to find him, Teddy. You need to find him and you kill him dead. It's okay. –Security to Ward A. Okay. –Ward A. I got it. The generator room's flooded. –Ward A. Ward A. –See what we need in Ward B. Let's go. You okay, boss? This goddamn migraine. The backup generator's failed. The whole place has gone crazy. What do you want to do? –Christ. –Dan? Relax. Nope, nope, nope. You don't wanna do that. Put it down. Now. Put it down. Grab him, grab him, grab him, grab him! Get him, get him! You need to go find him 'cause he needs to be here. You think the whole electrical system is fried? I'd say it's a good possibility, yeah. –All the electronic security, the fences... –Why are you always running? The gates, the doors. –Why is it you every time? Come on. Nice day for a stroll, don't you think? To Ward C, for example. –Come on. –Maybe we'll run into Andrew Laeddis. The guy I told you about, George Noyce? He told me this is where they keep the worst ones. Guys even the other inmates are scared of. Did Noyce give you anything on the layout? Not really. All he remembered was people screaming day and night, no windows and iron bars everywhere. Watch your head! –Oh, Jesus Christ! –Jesus. First time on Ward C, huh? –Yeah. –Yeah. Yeah. We heard stories, but... Trust me, son, you haven't heard shit. We got most of the bugsies locked down now, but some of them are still loose. And if you see one, don't try to restrain him yourselves. These fuckers will kill you. Clear? All right, get your asses moving then. Go on. He's here. Laeddis. I can feel him. Tag! You're it! Wait! Boss! Ted! Hey! Hey! Teddy. ⬄24000÷1001⬄ Listen to me. Listen, I don't wanna leave here, all right? I mean, why would anybody want to? We hear things here about the outside world. –About atolls, about H-bomb tests. –Teddy, where are you? You know how a hydrogen bomb works? –I know. With hydrogen! With hydrogen. –Ah, that's funny. –Boss! –Other bombs explode, right? But not the hydrogen bomb. It implodes, creating an explosion to the thousandth, the millionth degree! –Do you get it? –Yeah! Yeah. –Do you? –I get it, I get it! Let him go! No! No! No! What are you doing? Jesus Christ, Teddy. Jesus! Oh, you got Billings. What the fuck's the matter with you guys? Catch them, not kill them! –He jumped us. –You, give me a hand with him. We've gotta get him to the infirmary. God damn it. No, no! Not you, not you. Take a walk. Come on. Cawley's gonna have my goddamn balls for this. Laeddis. Laeddis. Stop me, please, before I kill more. Stop me before I kill more. Laeddis. Please, please. I see you all. Laeddis. You told me I'd be free of this place. You promised. You lied. Laeddis. Laeddis? That's pretty damn funny. –Your voice. –Don't you recognize it? After all the talks we had? After all the lies you told me? Let me see your face. They say I'm theirs now. They say I'll never leave here. Your match is about to go out. –Let me see your goddamn face! Now! –Why? So you can lie to me more? This isn't about the truth. –Yes, it is. It's about exposing the truth. –It's about you! And Laeddis. That's all it's ever been about. I was incidental. A way in. George... George Noyce. No. It's not possible. You can't be here. You like it? Who did this to you, George? You did. What the hell do you mean? All your talk. All your fucking talk, and I'm back in here because of you. George, how did they get you out of Dedham, huh? However this happened, I... I'm gonna find a way to fix this, you understand me? I'll never get out now. I got out once. Not twice, never twice. Just tell me how they got you here. They knew! Don't you get it? Everything you were up to. Your whole plan. This is a game. All of this is for you. You're not investigating anything. You're a fucking rat in a maze. Georgie... George, you're wrong. You're wrong. Oh, really? Been alone much since you got here? I've been with my partner. You never worked with him before, have you? He's a U.S Marshal. NINJA FORCE SELECTION Wait for it. You too, Blackie! You bastard! Get off my back! ...get off my back you bastard... Pete Runddal! Hike back to HQ and turn in your gear. I never want to see you again! Prime Minister Willoch, is there a crisis in Norway today? Bumblebee, do you wish to become a Ninja Grenadier in HM Ninja Force, with all the responsibilities it entails? -Yes. -Then I ask you, Master. Do you acknowledge Bumblebee's duties? -Treholt? -Yes. I hereby appoint you Ninja and part of our flock. Congratulations. Carry on. You owe us. Forever. If The Good Lord wanted us to be vegetarians, all vegetables would be made of meat. What would the rabbits eat? And we, if the rabbits weren't fat and happy? He's screwing with our ecosystem! -Give me the best hot dog you've got! -Everything on this grill is "best". You won't find a single hot dog that isn't "best". Wow! Awesome! Every place and every moment is always the best Remember that. Did you reach Enlightenment, Coachman? Yes! I've let it all go. My heart is at peace. Then let it go. But... I have let it go. Then keep it. To let everything go, you also must let go of the idea of letting everything go. Remember that too. NINJA FORCE STARTER KIT You can't embroider the Master's Hand until you are Enlightened. When I was your age, I was obsessed with individual freedom. I wanted to define my own life, find myself. Becoming King seemed to me like a prison. But when I stood in front of the King Birch with my father, - - I understood that the real prison is freedom itself. When I realized that, I became Enlightened. Restoring the balance. Operation Saga Night. Everything rests on you. Remember the story about the man with the tidewater table? Soon you'll know that the only right thing for you... Go pack! At six p.m. today a powerful bomb exploded at Oslo Central Station. One was killed, eleven wounded. The bomb was placed in a safety deposit box. CIA sources blame Soviet-friendly terrorists, citing increased subversion activity in Northern Europe. This reeks of Stay Behind. Just doing their job, sure, but they force us to do ours. Fast. You and Squirrel Patrol stake out the train station. I want observation posts in case they strike there again. I want surveillance camera footage from the explosion, a VCR and a TV. Briefing by the diving board in five minutes! Tromso, have Ragnhild sort out Bumblebee. Give her this and ask for a G-6 with triple radium. VIENNA Austria Thank you for the meal, Treholt. The sausages were exquisite. Well, it was you who chose Vienna. The home of Vienna sausages? On behalf of the King, - - I wish to apologize for our clumsy handling of the submarine incident and the railway station bombing. Fantastic! A Norwegian breaking the ice. There's no telling how our Secretary Genereal will react if this witch hunt of yours continues. I'll wager 30 000 dollars that the world's best intelligence agency knows more about Western invisibility technology than a bureaucrat from Brandbu. Stay Behind. We've seen it before. In Turkey. Italy. This is only the beginning. More lives will be lost. PIGALLE NIGHTCLUB Oslo We have many nicknames for your boss, Chains. "Patriot" isn't one of them. The Army threw him out, you know. He tried the French Foreign Legion. Got caught in South Africa smuggling blood diamonds. He once applied for the Ninja Force. I had to carry him, crying, back to the ferry home. Stop messing around, or we'll beat the shit out of you. Got it? Arne... In six hours - - Scandinavian Flight 1138 will leave for Paris. Be on that plane. We'll put you up in a luxury flat in Cyprus for life. And you'll keep your mouth shut. Thanks to me you'll avoid twenty years in prison. Arne, Lopatin and Titov are KGB. That makes you a spy and a traitor. Someone had to figure out what's going on. Are you out to get me? The KGB never talk to assets in public. You can't believe I'll get convicted on this. I'm not judging you. I leave that to the ignorant masses. This is a Ninja star. You throw it like this. Perhaps a useful weapon in ancient Japan, but teachers at Haugen School in Oslo aren't too happy that these are showing up in their school yard. This Rambo knife is all right for slicing cucumber. Yes, and cucumber is something we should eat more often. HM TOOL FACTORY Lofoten Mountains Oh, hi there! Good boy. SAGA NIGHT So you're the golden boy. Why do you want to be a Ninja? Doesn't everyone? You'll never be a Ninja by asking the same questions as others. Nor by applying the answers of others to yourself. When I got drafted, they gave me a choice. Do military service, or go to jail. I chose jail. I'm a pacifist. Better to be in jail than to hurt people. You sacrificed yourself for a greater cause. That's why Treholt likes you. Treholt visited me in jail. He offered me apprenticeship in the Ninja Force instead. He said a real Ninja wins without fighting. Now everyone has reached Enlightenment but me. -But the Master... -The Master? Commander Treholt, the Master. There is only one Master. Bumblebee, Treholt has chosen you. The person you have called has been traced. Please hold. -Hello, who's this? -Otto Meyer, Stay Behind Norway. Black Ops control to Stay Behind Norway Operation Exxus. Report. Oil rig demolition to go ahead in T minus one hour and counting. Norwegian Ninja base mission, report. Fighter planes standing by for Hellfire attack, T minus two hours. -Royal Palace mission death squad? -Got my best man on it. -Symbolic Tower mission status? -Manned plane to impact tower. -You have a pilot? -He's giving his life for freedom. Have you spoken about Saga Night? Told Bumblebee what he must do? -Can you... -It's your plan. Tell him yourself. Every pine cone falls to its rightful place. Rightful place? No. Bumblebee comes with me. I'm running out of time. He's not ready. Endanger him and Saga Night is doomed. Bumblebee's rightful place is by my right heel. -Deputy Master to Master. -Can you see him? Meyer is in a flying vessel, headed for the North Sea. Stay Behind are up to mischief again. Get into your diving kit! -We'll shoot him down. -No, do not intervene! -Swim back to Grassy Island. -Swim home? We need the hydrocopter. Swim home, regroup and move to Phase 3. Slower drivers than me are idiots, but faster drivers are maniacs! Oksoy, gentle breeze 8. Lista, moderate breeze 7... -Ekofisk? -Ekofisk! -Ekofisk, gentle breeze... -The weather's not that bad. -The Kielland oil rig! -Handbook's in the seat pocket. The bastards will attack the weakest point. Last rendezvous here, grid reference 3865 4938. Ready for boarding? Both of you. Get ready. -Let's go! Chop-chop! -Master... Maybe "Bumble" should wait here? He's about as prepared as a virgin with... If the sun shone from a blue sky you'd still be afraid! Now you can prove yourself to the boys. The boys seriously doubt that! -Get her closer. -Yes. All the way in! N-84 MONSTER CLOCK BOMB Easy-peasy. You take care of the rest. Just take it down. I'll go for a prowl to check out the fake Ninja. You film everything. This is evidence. Stay at your post! We've got him! Radio Coachman. Master! Bumblebee! No! I told you to stay put! All hell is breaking loose! Shut up. Winds were gusting at 60 mph and waves were 20 ft high. However , the Alexander Kielland was designed to withstand 90 ft waves, so called "one hundred year waves". A spokesman for Det Norske Veritas classification society ruled out the possibility that waves caused the disaster, labelled the deadliest in the history of the offshore oil industry. We must save the animals. Save the animals! A new theory suggests that an explosion caused the disaster. That would indicate sabotage. We've seen similar things at other crime scenes. If there was an explosion, we would have seen it. We haven't. Experts say fractures on this leg differ from those found elsewhere. Wouldn't it be wise to investigate further? No. We don't want to employ... I mean initiate an inquiry without probable cause. The media must blame the Russians. The ignorant masses will demand American "liberation". Not so fast, Otto. We'd have to declare war on the Soviet Union. We'd lose our oil fields. We stick to the plan. Leak to the Ministry of Defence that we suspect Russian terrorism. Pete Runddal is a former Ninja. He'll help us take Grassy Island. -What if Treholt escapes? -We intercept him at the airport. We've fabricated enough evidence to put him away for 20 years. Geomantic shield down. Move in! Treholt is on his way to Fornebu by air. Bumblebee! Stay awake! Bumblebee! Bumblebee! Come on! This is Otto. Have Delta Force seal off the airport. FORNEBU AIRPORT Oslo -Master? -No. You are the Master now. Flight 1138 bound for Paris is ready for boarding at gate 13. Charge the car. Chop-chop! Pete Runddal! When I get angry, I count to ten. Only then do I punch. One, two, three... Coachman, relax. Pete is Ninja Of The Year. Nice work, Black Pete. -How's Bumblebee doing? -Bumblebee? He sacrificed himself for a greater cause. From now on we're invisible. Operation Saga Night begins now. Dammit, Arne. Now you're telling me? Let's beat the shit out of those who mess with the Norwegian Way of Life. There will be Night! The Cold War has a face. All of Norway is following the case against traitor Arne Treholt... Report your position, over. I can see City Hall! Norwegians are glued to their screens as news of super agent Treholt's wild life emerges. His friends should not count on seeing him again any time soon. Come with us, Your Majesty. I'm sick of these meaningless evacuations. I'm the King, dammit. -Go ahead. -Otto from the control bunker. Did you see it? The Commander walked right into the trap. -Will the King be evacuated? -He refuses. We're not playing games anymore. Hang on, getting another call... You two. With me. Chains! The pilot is heading for the tower. The ignorant masses will never forgive the Commies for this. If the King resists, you are authorized to use deadly force. With Treholt in custody, it is said, everyone can sleep safely. -Treholt... -Treholt? Hello? What about Treholt? -You'd better answer, Otto. -Arne! -The door. -What door? Otto Meyer? We are in the villa of Otto Meyer. Police have discovered a major weapons cache in his private bunker. Meyer claims to work for a secret Military Intelligence sabotage unit. Weapons, weapons and many more weapons were found in a secret room in the home of Hans Otto Meyer. Meyer has been dismissed from armed service. Is the military leadership ill-informed in these matters? I don't find it reasonable to answer that question. STAY BEHIND SHUT DOWN Yes... Arne... The ignorant masses will never forgive you, Otto. Bloody traitor! EVENING NEWS The top story tonight is of course the trial against Arne Treholt, which began earlier today. Our journalists have been at the courthouse all day. Arne Treholt, born December 13 1942, is sentenced according to Penal Code section 90, part 3, as well as part 1, 2nd clause of section 90 to imprisonment for 20 years. Bumblebee... Bumblebee... Treholt has chosen you. You owe us. Forever. You'll never be a Ninja by applying the answers of others to yourself. Every place and every moment is always the best. A real Ninja wins without fighting. The real prison is freedom itself. You sacrificed yourself for a greater cause. We're going to have lots of fun with this! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED You fight. You fight for your personal integrity. To prevent the system from taking hold of you, crawling under your skin. Annihilating you. English subtitles: Bjorn Meyer Previously on "The Gates"... - Christian. - Come on. Don't call me again. You have to tell her now. Because any male she comes in contact with could be in mortal danger. You have no idea what your tea is doing to them. What's with the whole "we" and "they" thing? Welcome to suburbia. Where everyone uses their perfectly manicured nails to scratch each other eyes out. I'll need a vial of your blood., for the spell of course. You see gentlemen, everyone has secrets they need protecting. Wake up Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick, help me. Sarah? Nick. I'm sorry, Nick, but we can't let you leave. What do you mean? Come on, Claire. It'll be fun. I'm having it catered by that Spanish place. There'll be tapas, sangria. It's really important to me. Good. I will see you around noon. Seems like your little housewarming/pool party is shaping up to be quite an event. Well, I just hope everyone gets along. This place can be so cliquey sometimes. It's like Karen won't talk to Claire. Devon won't talk to Vanessa. It's like a whole... Do I sense an ulterior motive? Yeah, stop detecting. I'm inviting lots of people. Hey... Did you get any sleep? You had nightmares again, huh? I'm fine. This job was supposed to be less stressful than Chicago. I'm fine. And I got to go. Eyes ope always wear your vest. Call for backup. I love you. I love you, too. Claire, just go to the party and try not to let Karen Crezski get under your skin. Karen and her lot. There is nothing worse than that rancid dog smell. All right, well, just go. Play nice. We need to be normal right now. Nick? What, right away? How clandestine. Isn't this a bit paranoid? You saw Buckley's home movies. You ask me, we haven't been paranoid enough. What do you propose we do about it? He's got something on us. I say we get something on him. Make it an even playing field. Check that out. W.R. Harrison, the developer who co-founded The Gates with Buckley. That's before my time. Harrison dies a few years after The Gates opens. Falls down some stairs. But right here... coroner's inquest. Something about it. It's a little too... it's a little too neat. Vague suspicions of murder... that's not enough to go on, is it? So we dig. Dylan, we dig till we get something better. You're on The Gates board. That gives you access to bank statements, to contracts. Right? Plus... Dylan... You have your community. Well, hold on. Buckley is not a vampire. And if I start digging around the board, Buckley will find out. Look, it's a risk we take. Otherwise, we got Buckley's threats hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. You want that? Dylan... All right. All right. I'm in. I'm in. All right. I'll be touch. Hey, Dr. Peg. Yeah, look, I'm... look, I'm sorry to call you on vacation, it's just I'm getting some nasty side effects from those pills. Keep taking them till you get back? I don't know if I handle can. I... I don't know if I can handle that. Yeah. Okay. Bye. Hey. I've been looking for you. I'm late for class. Andie, I... I just want to know why you're avoiding me. And... I thought we had something, and things got weird the other night, and now you're just... - You wouldn't understand. - Try me. I can't. "Beastlyboy." You're exactly what I've been looking for. Chief Monohan. What an unexpected pleasure. Here for our men's facial? A little massage? Uh, actually I wanted to ask you a few questions about your ex-husband. Frank? Please tell me he's in lots and lots of trouble. That's him. W.R. Harrison. He was a friend of my father's. He didn't have any children of his own, so... he sort of doted on me. I introduced him to Frank, back when I still had no idea what kind of man my husband really was. Frank had big dreams but small pockets and no connections. That's where uncle Billy came in. That's what I used to call him. So, how would you describe the relationship between Frank and Mr. Harrison? Did they get along? You're fishing. What are you trying to catch? What's out there? I can tell you this. Frank and uncle Billy had a huge falling out right before he died. Looking back, I think maybe uncle Billy learned about Frank and Vanessa's affair. Things between them got... ugly. And then Uncle Billy had his accident, and Frank got everything he wanted. Full control over The Gates and 100% of the profits. Nobody found that suspicious? Uncle Billy had a bad hip, and I was young and naive. By the time I found out what Frank was capable of... Well, who'd listen to the ravings of a scorned woman? Claire! Oh, you brought a quiche. Are you okay? Yes, I'm... perfect. Thank you so much for coming. This really does mean a lot to me. Oh, I wouldn't have missed it. Although I may not stay long. I'm a little bit sensitive to the sun, and I'm afraid I don't swim. Oh. Well, really? Have you seen some of the outfits? Because trust me, none of these women are going anywhere near the water. Hmm. Hey, Leigh! You came. Yeah, and I brought margaritas. - Oh. - Figured you'd need 'em. Well, I'm so glad I didn't think you'd be into this sort of thing. Watching stressed-out trophy wives get catty with underfed divorcées? Who doesn't love that? Yeah, I was kind of hoping this party would bring people together. Sarah! What a beautiful backyard. I brought venison. Dacia, let's start up the grill. I should get out of the sun. You invited Claire Radcliff and Karen Crezski - to the same party? - Yeah? Oh, this is gonna be good. So, what'd you dig up on Buckley? Okay. Look, Devon may think Buckley killed Harrison to get control of The Gates' profits, okay, but the numbers don't add up. If anything, Buckley is underpaid for his position. It's... it's all very proper. These are public records? No, better than that. I paid a visit to Buckley's C.F.O., Lloyd Foster. Now, he's been here since day one. The lion's share of the profits from The Gates, they don't go to Buckley, they don't go to Devon, they don't go to anyone else. Instead, 80% ends up here... The Gates trust. So, killing Harrison doesn't free up a penny for Devon or Buckley. No. No motive, no murder. Well, at least that's what they say on "Castle." What if it's not about money? Hmm? Devon said Harrison and Buckley had a falling out before he died. What if... what if Buckley kills Harrison over anger? Well, how do we prove that? Lloyd. Guy's been here since the beginning, right? Maybe he has some insight. Hey, Andie, are you okay? I... I... I'm fine. You're not fine. You're acting strange. Look, I told you, I... I'm fine. We're not together anymore. Leave me alone. Venison? Bloody rare... just the way you like it. You're in an interesting mood. Full moon? Okay, can you explain that? Some things are beyond explanation. It's a nice effort. I can't remember the last time anyone brought those two and their friends together. So, how are you? Is The Gates everything you've been hoping for? Yeah. No, this place is amazing. It's just the... people need a little work. I'll be right back. Okay. You know, she doesn't bite. Karen Crezski. I'll take your word for it. Look, Claire... I may be pushing. I do that. And to be honest, when I first met Karen, I really didn't like her that much, either. But she's a good person. Just go over there and break the ice. For me. I will say hello. I'll be cordial. But if she's starts with any of her usual nonsense... You are the best. Thank you. Look! All my favorite ladies in one place. You invited Devon? Yeah? It's hot today. Who's ready to jump in the water? I appreciate what you're trying to do here. But I have to go. I can't do this. Thank you for seeing us Mr. Foster. I understand Harrison and Buckley had a, uh... a disagreement before Harrison died. Was it over the affair with Vanessa? That's the rumor. See, Harrison was very fond of Devon, so if he learned that Buckley had been unfaithful... It's must've gotten ugly. Apocalyptic. Whatever the issue, Harrison was so distressed, he threatened to shut down The Gates. He could do that? He had me working on the details. And then... And then Harrison died. So sad, the way they found him. Facedown at the bottom of a staircase. Lloyd, I'm gonna need access to the records from that year. A copy of Harrison's will. Absolutely. I'm telling you, dating in the Internet era is a revelation. I get 100 messages a day. Eliminate the losers, there's still dozens of handsome, successful men who'd kill to meet me. Karen, darling. You should give it a whirl. No need to grow old sad and alone. Sarah? Something wrong? Nothing. It's just this entire party was a huge mistake. I just want everyone to get along. That's because you're sweet. You know, Nick came into my shop today. He was asking about Frank. So mysterious. Well, I'm sure he had his reasons. But what were they? That's the question. What cookie jar did Frank stick his grubby hands into this time? And more to the point, is he going to get caught... for once? Well, Nick doesn't really talk to me about his cases. And if he did, you wouldn't say anything, right? - Confidentiality. - Yeah. Oh. I almost forgot. I brought you something. My special tea. A little calm in a difficult day. Last chance. Anyone? Venison? Isn't that a little... obvious? Suit yourself. - So, you found this company in The Gates' records? - Yeah. And this Rivertrace Land Management... it gets paid directly from Harrison's estate? Yeah. A quarter mil a month. There's a codicil added to Harrison's will requiring the payments. It was added a week before Harrison died. This doesn't look like any office of Buckley's. It's abandoned. Not exactly. Well, it looks like the only thing this place does is drain money from Harrison's estate. It's a rent receipt. Payment by wire transfer from a numbered account in the Dutch antilles. This is shell company 101. I've seen this before. What? I've, um... done this before. Broken into an empty office of a non-existent company? No. Set up an empty office for a non-existent company. My, um... my people, they, uh... they tend to outlive their identities, so... every decade or so, we have to reinvent ourselves. New name. New town. New birth certificate. Otherwise, you never age. People become suspicious. Exactly. And when one's garnered a certain amount of wealth, one prefers to retain it, and... So... empty offices, shell companies, codicils to wills. Which raises a very uncomfortable question. If we're trying to prove that Buckley killed Harrison... What if Harrison isn't dead? And instead, he's funneling his own money to himself? Right. What if Harrison is like you? "We should meet." "Absolutely." "Let's talk on the phone. What's your number?" Hey. Devon, you left your bowl at my house when... Oh, sorry. You're busy. I'm gonna... Don't be silly. Let's sit. We'll have some tea. I love this tea. I can't get enough of it. That's because of the secret ingredient. Sorry if I ruined your party. Oh, no, don't be ridiculous. I'm sorry. You were the one that got thrown in the pool. No, my party was doomed from the start. I swear, Devon, I'm never gonna understand this place. It's the mysteries that make life interesting. Speaking of which... any news on Nick's little investigation into my pig of an ex-husband? Yeah, you know I can't really talk about that. Oh, but of course you can. It's just the two of us. You simply have to tell me everything. Nick asked me to look at The Gates' books and also Harrison's will. I found all sorts of strange things. Go on. In Harrison's will, the first thing I noticed was a clause added right before he died. - Thanks for the tea. - Forget all about it. Hello, is this "beastlyboy"? Henry. You have such a nice voice. I can't wait to meet you. Andie. No. Andie. Come on. No, Andie, wait. I said go away! You can't avoid me forever. Brett, go away. I don't want to talk to you. - No! - Leave her alone. - You don't know what you're doing. - I said back off. Stop it. Brett, no. Brett! Stop! You happy now? Charlie. No. No. I have to go. How did I get so lucky? Someone like you with a mutt like me. I picked you because you're not like the other boys. You're different. I don't know about that. Don't worry. "Different" is exactly what I'm looking for. You can show your true self to me. I can't believe we're doing this. Yeah, well, we're doing this. Don't we need a court order or something to exhume a body? And a backhoe. Why I have you. Look, we need to know if Harrison's dead or alive, right? And the only way to do that... is to dig. So we dig. All right, allow me. Yeah. Fine. Check the right hip socket. That hip was replaced. Yeah, it's artificial. It's Harrison. Well, so much to my theory. You know what? Turn his head over for a minute. I want to check something. You serious? Thought you'd be okay with dead things. Right there... you see that? The impact wound on the skull. That doesn't happen from falling down a flight of stairs. This, my friend, is no accident. Anything you want to tell me? I smelled you when you came in the door. I smelled you. I can explain. I am working very hard to keep a promise that I made to you. So whatever it is that you are doing... I'm protecting our family. Buckley is blackmailing me. That woman I killed to save Nick, he got it all on video. He saw you? Yeah. He showed the recording to me and Nick. Well, what does he want? Money? We have money. He wants silence... cooperation. But listen, Nick and I... we have a plan. We're... we're getting the dirt on Buckley, leverage... Leverage? Frank Buckley... the man who welcomed us here with open arms, caught you murdering a woman inside The Gates... and all he's asking is that you follow the rules? Claire... and you want to fight him? Dylan, I don't understand. You're always the one who's saying, "think of us. Think of Emily. Imagine the consequences." You might want to heed your own advice. Try to put an end to this. Hurry up, slowpoke. You'll miss the first bell. That was sort of my goal. Wow. A real shiner. I told my mom I ran into a door. I don't think she believed me. You don't have to lie about what you did. It was cool. I got my ass kicked. And that's not even the worst part. I was trying to protect Andie, but she acted like I did something wrong. I don't get her. Look, I don't know what's going on with Andie lately, but I know she cares about you. So don't give up. If you say so. I definitely say so. Hey, Dylan, it's Nick. Look, why don't you come down to my office? Nick, I'm out. What do you mean, you're "out"? We agreed. It's just too risky. I think you're making a mistake. Or maybe he's the rational one and you're making the mistake. I'll call you back. This investigation of yours... it needs to stop. You're trying to blackmail me and Dylan. What I'm doing isn't blackmail. It's an intervention. You both made serious missteps, and you need to know that you can't get away with that sort of thing here. When are you gonna wake up and realize you have a good thing here? And stop screwing it up. Is that what Harrison was doing... screwing it up? Harrison? What are you talking about? You talk about helping people, protecting what you built. I think you murdered Harrison. I think you bludgeoned a feeble old man to death in his own home. Y... you think I killed Harrison? He was like a father to me. Everything I am today, I owe to him. I could never have hurt him. I know he was trying to close The Gates. He was angry. He was confused, but... he was no threat to anyone. Even if I believe you didn't do it... somebody murdered your friend, your mentor. Do you want to see justice? Of course I do. I'm gonna have my people talk to my... No. No. Let me do my job. Normally, I'm not big on baths, that's because you don't have to pretend with me. You can just be who and what you are. I've been looking for someone like you for a long, long time. Somehow I doubt you have trouble getting anything you put your mind to. You'd be surprised. My life has been a series of disappointments. People have hurt me. Well, anyone that hurt you... you just point me in the right direction. I know how to make problems go away. You're sweet. Not very subtle, but sweet. Though, there is a way you can help me. Just tell me what to do. More bubbles? It's not so much what you can do. It's... what you can give. What I need from you are your eyes. Dylan? Dylan, are you home? Hi, you know who this is. And you know what to do. Christian, this has to stop... the phone calls, the flowers... everything! Karen. You can't come in here. I don't need permission to enter a house, unlike some people. What happened? Please leave. Why do we act like this with each other? Just go. I can't. It's Sarah. She's in trouble. She's been drinking Devon's tea. I think it's starting to have an effect. What do you suggest we do? First... I help you clean this up. And then we talk to her. Together. Oh, guys, this is so nice. I knew if you just spent some time together, you guys would get along. Sometimes it takes an outside point of view to spot the obvious. It's good to have someone like you in The Gates, Sarah. Someone without the prejudice that the rest of us carry around. Still, um... we do have a confession to make. This isn't entirely social. Sarah, have long have you been drinking Devon's tea? Well, uh, pretty much since I got here. It's so relaxing. It's great. It's like having two glasses of wine without the hangover. And I imagine that it probably works better now than when she first gave it to you? Well, yeah. That's... that's true, but... Sarah, what we're saying is... things that seem too good to be true usually are, especially when they involve Devon. I can't go too deep into it, Lloyd, but there were no signs of forced entry. Had to be someone Harrison trusted. Like Buckley. Exactly. What I need from you is the why. You put together all the finances and show how the payments from Harrison's estate were funneled into Rivertrace Management. I... I'll do everything I can. Good. Thank you, Lloyd. Trust me, you help me solve Harrison's murder... you're gonna be a hero. Oh. Brett. Please. No, listen to me for two minutes, and if you don't like what I have to say, I swear I'll never speak to you again. Two minutes. I finally understand you. I know you think I don't, and at first, I had no clue. But now... I get it. Brett, I... I... No, I get it, Andie. I get that everything going on with you is happening because you're different. Different in a way you think no one else could ever understand, but I do. I understand. I understand because I'm not human. You're not alone, Andie. You never have to feel alone again. It started with my mom. Right on cue, Lloyd. Gotcha. Lloyd? Frank. Uh, I... I can explain. Buckley? It's you. You're the one. You changed Harrison's will, and then you killed him. It's been you all along. Never leave well enough alone. I brought this to clear up some loose ends. Freeze! Gun on the ground! On the ground! Get on your knees. Get on your knees. Hands behind your head against the desk. You set me up. I set you up? "Facedown at the bottom of the stairs." Those crime-scene photos were never released. You gave yourself away, you idiot. You're welcome. Coming through. No, wait. Wait. Give me a minute. Could've let me die. Then you would have been free of this place. The thought crossed my mind. Go. I won't try to stop you. Let's load him up. I'm just... I'm just wrapping things up now. Yeah. Uh, I'll call you back. Okay. Hi. Mrs. Buckley. What can I do for you? I just came from the hospital. Frank asked me to stop by. He says you're planning to leave The Gates. Well, I'm thinking about it. Mm. That's a shame. Frank spent a long time looking for someone like you, someone who'd fit in here. I think he found the right man. Yeah. This place isn't... isn't what I expected it to be. You're afraid of The Gates, of Dylan and Claire and the rest, because of one word... vampires. But Sarah and Claire, they're friends. And Dylan risked everything for you. So what if they're not monsters? What if they're just people with unique differences and difficult histories who need your help? What if The Gates isn't a trap? What if it's a calling? What if this is where you're meant to be? Okay. If The Gates is such a wonderful place to live, then why all the secrets? What is Frank trying to protect? Me. He's protecting me. I'm the reason Frank fought Harrison's plan to close The Gates. And the reason Frank works so hard for our special residents. Because I'm one of them. I'm a vampire. The truth is, everything that Frank has ever done for the gas, he's done out of love. That's the real secret of this place. Love. Just relax. You're Alex Moran, second-string quarterback on a top football college team in the nation. You can handle this. Just visualize and execute. Ready... Go! Strike! This is awesome. Nice job, Moran. Run it again. Defense, shut it down this time. I'm gonna murder your balls, Moron. It's good! What the hell was that, Moran? They checked out. What's the audible? Dylan? - Do you know the audible? - Like the back of my dick, sir. Get in there. - What the hell is this, Denise? - It's not what it looks like. So this guy's not sitting on my game jersey right now? Baby, these wrinkles take forever to come out. Craig, this is Chase. We're in business class together. Good to meet you, Craig. I'm a big fan of yours, by the way. Sorry about the jersey, man. It's all right, man. I shouldn't have left it on the couch if I didn't want somebody to sit on it. Ready? One, two, three. Sammy, I am pleased to announce that you, our mascot, have been officially inducted into the Blue Mountain State spirit squad! - Sammy, you are so funny! - I was totally joking with you. We should celebrate. Slumber party at my place. I've got vino. I will definitely come to your slumber party tonight. I might have to leave a little early though. I have plans. Doing what? Me and my best friend had plans to bro-down the other day, but he was busy so he said he'd call me tonight. I've heard that one before. What do you mean? So I want to put this in terms that you'll understand, son, because obviously football isn't doing the trick. I want you to think of this team as a big-tittied coed with a tight little ass. So you want to take this coed to bed? To be honest with you, I'd probably just take her to a keg party, maybe settle for a BJ. See, I figured as much. That's why I'm moving you down to third string. Darn it. Damn! Third string? That sucks! I'm sorry, man. Are you kidding me? This is great! I don't have to do anything now. I should've think of this sooner. All right, goats, come on, let's have a good practice! Defense stay here, offense up here. Where do you think you're going? You're third string. You practice with special teams now. Special teams? Welcome to special teams. I'm Harmon Tadesco, best goddamn place kicker in the whole continental world. Right on, Alex. You're gonna like it here. We play hard, we party harder. And we triple-team chicks. That's European style, of course. Don't worry... Our dicks will never touch. Okay, you answered my question. All right, your job, Alex, is to hold the ball correctly so that my perfect leg which is attached to my perfect foot can kick the living shit out of that ball. I want you to think of us as one big unit, all right? You're the dick, I'm the balls, all these other guys are the assholes. Come on, that's funny. Whatever. - Let's do this. - Right. Right in the face! What is wrong with you? Are you drunk? No, sir, I'm not drunk. I resent that. I am on a lot of "e" right now. A big difference. So these traveling pants fit everybody in the sisterhood? Even the fat one? So, Kate, tell us about your date last night. It was pretty standard. He said I had nice hair. - So I did him. - Let me guess... - No phone call today? - Not even a text. Football players are the worst! That's not true. Not all of them. Some of them are pretty cool. Oh yeah? And what happened to your bro-down tonight? - He'll call. - They never call. Hello there. I'm... Not important enough to be talking to such a fine-looking woman. He's my backup. But you're a backup too. Yeah, but you're a backup's backup. So why don't you back a backup up and backup? - You wouldn't believe what happened. - Denise is not cheating on me. Where did that come from? - She says it's a business meeting. - That sucks. What are you doing here, Moron? - Having a beer. - This area is for real players only. Special teams. Special room. Move it! In there. You're just in time. I'm about to tell how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once. Here, come on, get out here. That's a Alex's seat. Come on, buddy, right here. - Great. - Sit on down. Take a load off. I should go. Good luck Saturday, champ. See ya! What's up with you and that guy? And no more of this business-class bullshit. I want the truth. How long have we been together? - A year and a half. - 537 days. Which means I've devoted over 8% of my life to you. You think I'd jeopardize that for an imitation Armani suit? - I'm getting jealous, baby. - You think I don't get jealous with all these girls around you all the time? It's natural. But, babe, what did I tell you on our first date? Keep your eyes straight ahead. Watch the line, not the ball. I told you that trust is the sacred glue that binds our hearts. Oh yeah! I knew that. Then where's the glue, Craig? - Where's the glue? - I got glue. I got glue! And that, that is how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once. Know what I'm saying? You know what, Alex, man? I like you. I'm gonna let you in on one of the secrets of special teams, all right? It's called trickle-down bang. The girls starters don't want, the second stringers get. The girls the second stringers don't want, we get. You know what? They all got pussies. I am not too sure about that. Do you know why they call me Dirty Sanchez? I'll give you a hint. I'm not Mexican. There you are, Alex! I bet you're wondering if I drank this whole 30-pack and smoked all of this weed by myself. Let me put it this way. - I did! - I've been meaning to call you, but... But what? ! You've made new friends now? He's on special teams now. Special? I remember when our relationship used to be special. Sammy! Sammy, don't go! Sammy, don't go. Come back. Denise and I got in a huge fight. I need to crash on your couch. That's kind of occupied at the moment. They said they needed to use the toilet, now I can't get them to leave. - Try to ignore them. - Ignore that? I can't. You can see that from space. Special teams means special times, bros. Know what I'm saying? Sammy's not home so if you want to crash in there, you can. It's all yours. Watch your step. Touchdown! Extra point attempt. It's good! Another crack shot from 55 yards for Tadesco. I'm gonna need my position back. If you could just go into coach's office and say that second string was, like, way too much pressure for you, - I'd appreciate it. - Fat chance, dickwad. - Excuse me? - I'm having the best time of my life. It's not my fault you're a piece of shit who couldn't appreciate what he had. But hey, here. Clean my jockstrap, third string. Get all those crusties off. Crusties? How about that? Make him eat the crusties! Break it up. Knock it off! - What the hell is this all about? - Bitch boy wants his job back. - I deserve another shot, coach! - No way, Moran. I think special teams is right where you belong. I'm sick of blowjobs, coach. I want to bang the coed. - I'll put in the work. - And what are you going to do? Live scrimmage. Me and Douchenozzle. I deserve another shot. This is the fire I've been looking for from you. I was hoping it'd be for the starting job, but... You know what? Live scrimmage, one hour. Full pads, full speed. Scrimmage to the death! You don't want to do this. I will do anything to avoid going back to that. Tell me what it smells like, Stevie. Don't hold back, man. Get creative. I got something for you. Ready to go another round? I don't want to fight anymore, baby. Why aren't you at practice? Because I realized that I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately. And I'm sorry. You again? What are you doing here? And where's your shirt? - It's... - In the dryer. How stupid do you think I am? Are you sleeping with him? How dare you ask me that! I am looking out for our future. What does my future have to do with this dude with no shirt on? Can you excuse us? Sit. It is best you don't know this, but he is an agent. He's an agent. You can't talk to agents yet, but I can. All right? Chase came over this morning to talk about endorsement deals. And I spilled coffee on his shirt. And now it's in the dryer. And I would have told you about this sooner... But the less I knew the better. This whole time I've been letting that jealousy monster eat away at our trust glue. You've just been looking out for me. I'm gonna get us the representation we deserve. Now okay? - These are for you. - Thank you. These are for you. I'm sorry about all that. I've got to get to practice so you guys just keep on doing what you were doing. That's my baby. I called him three times last night and sent a text message this morning and he still hasn't gotten back to me. He's not worth it. Just forget it. No, don't forget it! He's just gonna do the same thing to the next girl with nice hair. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of us getting pushed around. I mean, when you tell someone you're gonna call them, you call them. I don't tell people I'll share 30 beers, smoke a bunch of weed and watch all the "lethal weapons" and then not do any of those things. I just don't do it! We've been wronged, girls. Enough with the tears. Let's raise our fists and let those bastards know that we won't be ignored. I'm gonna make you my bitch. You just got pissed on. Help help! Please, help me. I don't deserve this. - That was pure luck. - Oh, it's all luck. It's called a phone, Jeremy! You should use it sometime! Stop! - Send him in. - All right, H.T., fourth down! 55 yards to go, no time left on the clock, what's that, foot? You want the spotlight? A field goal? That's just gonna tie it. No, I want the win. - We need a big play. - A Chinese field goal. This'll work? Does a clown really get in the business to make children laugh? You know if this works, I won't be on special teams anymore? You're just not special teams material. That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me. All right, man. Let's get you back up to second string, you gigantic pussy. I like this guy. All right, Chinese field goal on ready. Ready? Break! Ready. It's a Chinese field! It's a fake. It's a fake! That was a ballsy call, Moran. A lot of balls, a lot of heart, not a lot of brain. - Where'd you come up with that play? - He said he could catch it. He's a kicker. All they do is kick. You're second string. I want to say thanks. If you weren't such a screw-up I never would have even had a shot. I don't even know how a dipshit like you got into this program, you stupid piece of shit. But you know... Oh, God! Still think I have nice hair, asshole? Payback's a bitch, bitch. And let that be a lesson to you, Alex. You destroyed my knee. That is such a shame. Promise me you'll never let a girl come between our friendship. I promise. Promise me that you will be aggressive on back-end merchandising points. Craig's a freaking superstar. I can get him anything. That's my girl. That's it, that's it, that's it! - Bro-down? - Bro-down! And thanks for not breaking my kneecaps earlier, bro. You got it, best friend. I saved you some cake too. That looks just like us! Are you watching "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"? And the pants fit everyone. Even the fat one. - Really? - Yeah. - So are they the same size? - No, they stretch. 22 DEATHS A DAY, 683 A MONTH, OVER 8,000 A YEAR, OVER THE LAST DECADE, IN ARGENTINA, TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS ARE DECIMATING THOSE 35 AND UNDER. THE COMPENSATION MARKET IS BOOMING. C'mon, you son of a bitch! - Come over here. - Shut up and walk. - How d'you know my dad? - From soccer. - Oh yeah? Which club? - Morón. - Which club, son of a bitch? - Stop it... - Which club? - Almirante Brown. What? Son of a bitch! Which club was my father in? Which team? Which club was my father in, piece of shit? Laferrere. - Can't remember? - I'm not sure... Couldn't wait 'til after the burial, Swindling fucker. Let's go! Respect the dead, son of a bitch! - Fucking vulture! - Let's get out of here. Ready, Luján? Hurry up, please! Coming, Come on, hurry it up! FUNERAL HOME Do you copy, Sosa? Motorbike-truck collision on Mosconi and Villegas. Take it easy, They're coming. I see him, over there, Bring the stretcher, Pico. Good evening, What happened? He crossed in front of the truck. Strong blow to the head, no helmet. - Do you know if he's drunk? - Doesn't smell of alcohol, - Do you know his name? - I think it's Gustavo. Loss of consciousness? He was speaking up until now, - Gustavo, do you hear me? - Yes, I'm a doctor, Okay? This is a neck brace. We're taking you to the hospital. - Do you remember what happened? - No. You don't? Nothing at all? How old are you, Gustavo? 24. - Were you working? - Yes. Stay calm. Can you help me with the stretcher? Put his head down and come beside me. I have my first aid certificate. Good. Put one hand over here... and hold the other one here. On my count of three, we'll move him. Ready? One, two, three, Stay calm. Okay. One, two, three. We put him down, Good. There we go! Officer, can you help me please? Are you okay? Me? More or less, yes. - Were you driving? - No, it's something else, Let's see... - Stay still. - Let's go, Luján. - You need stitches, - Thank you, Pico... - Do you know him? - What? That guy who just helped us. Do you know him? Yes... Why? He's following us. Don't worry, He's coming to the clinic with us, - So? - They won't admit him, - Why? - How should I know? No one's on call, the place is a mess, Usual bullshit. - She's trying to get him in, - Who is she? She's new. Sister of a friend of mine. You have an IC unit and a CAT scan here. I'm sorry, I can't admit him. I'm not taking him anywhere, so work it out. Talk to your supervisor. - Excuse me. - Good evening. - Is Russo in today? - Yes, he is. Can you call him over? I'll go see. What about me? You wait. Gustavo, are you okay? I can't believe this... Don't worry. Excuse me. Pico, I'll leave the chart and meet you outside. - Everything okay? - Yes, thanks. Any problems? No, everything's fine. - Thanks for he ping. - You're welcome. Can I have your name? Olivera. - Your first name? - Luján, Luján Olivera. - Need my license? - No, this is fine. Here, just in case. Keep it, you never know. See you. Thanks, Sosa, I mean it, Bye. How long have you known Sosa? - Long enough. - How long is long enough? Enough is like 8 or 10 years. - Always been a "vulture"? - No. No, he started when he lost his license. Started working for those Foundation assholes. First, you get 200 bucks for the tip. If it turns into a case, Do the clients get paid? It's a swindle, but they get some money. These people don't have medical coverage or jobs. The Foundation ends up being like social work for them, Social work? Yes, social work. For someone lying under a bus at 4 a.m., with broken bones, it's the best they can get. A vulture who'll help them screw the insurance company. We're almost there, Tell me what they hit you with, I don't know, I was going home and they hit me. I hurt my head when I fell to the ground, It hurts up here too, doctor. But do you remember what happened? Sort of, sort of. - You are a cop. - No, I'm a doctor. Try to calm down, okay? I'm here to take care of you, to stop the bleeding on your head, When we get to the hospital, they'll take over. - I'm leaving. - Not now, we're driving, Once we reach the hospital you're free to leave. - I love you! - That's nice, just relax. Stay seated, nice and easy. Stay put. Watch it, Get your hands off me and try to relax. Bitch. Bitch? What's the matter with you? Stay put, calm down! - Stay put! - Bitch! Give me a kiss. Come with me, I'll give you a kiss, Calm down! Let go of me! Okay. Try to remember the details, There was a witness, right? A neighbor saw it al, he said it was the trucker's fault, His lights were off and he was driving the wrong way. He didn't have time to swerve, counselor. They said it was an accident. If it could have been avoided, it's not an accident, it's an incident, The police took photos of the car, I'm not sure, I guess so... - Did you file a formal complaint? - Yes, I did, Where is it? I think my wife has it at home, - Who came to your aid? - Policemen, As they drove by, they saw me staggering out of the car. - They took you to the hospital? - They did, Who treated you there? Can't say. A doctor, wearing green or white. - You got X-rays? - Yes. - Hey, Sosa, - Do you have the X-rays? - It won't hold in court. - It's not my fault. Ask Guerrero for 20 points, Why didn't you sign it? What's so difficult, Casal? What happened to your face? It's nothing. You have to take me with you. What's the Dog doing here? Are you comatose? - What more could you ask for? - Fuck off! You have subordinates, a car, an office, a secretary... You're here because I want you to be. You're here because I want you to be. This document authorizes us to handle the case. I don't know. I can't believe this is happening. I don't know what to do, counselor. We take care of everything, Yes, I know, but... My neighbors say you're good, but I'm not sure. One step at a time, Check the Police Station! That's where you get screwed! No, the real problem comes from here! Calm down. Counselor Casal, could I have a minute? This is Mr. Arrieta's widow. The accident on Mármol Street. We're very sorry for your loss, And we hope we can be of service, Wake up. I'll wait for you outside. - Hi. - Hi, how are you? - What do we have? - Traffic accident. Thank you, Pico... Ready? I told you it was like 20 blocks that way, A right a ready! We'll be there soon. Put your seatbelt on, Pico. Yes, I'm better now. But I might turn up shot in the head any time now. Be careful The Dog knows you're up to something, We've been through this a thousand times. I've had it. You can't leave, not now. Take a good look at me. I can't take it anymore, So you're tired! Then I'll go out, like we used to do, I'm not talking about today. I've been tired a long time, I'm just as tired as you are. Do I have to tell you how sick I am of the Dog? He refuses the slightest change! That's not my problem, As soon as I get my license back, I'm out. Today, I'll talk to Rinaldi. I need you beside me! Wait, Do you want to leave or stay? No one's throwing me out, The one leaving is the Dog. Rinaldi wants his ass, he told me so. How much longer can he resist? He's done for, Who's next in line? Don't underestimate the Dog. You listen to me, We have to stick together now, C'mon, man..., You really want my head? They buy it from you, not me. Mr. Moyano, the taxi company called, the car's running late. Excuse me, I'm not Moyano. Sorry, Mr. Moyano had a traffic accident. I'm his attorney, but I haven't met him in person, I had an accident, too. Really? What happened? A son of a bitch ran me over with his truck. - When was that? - Yesterday. - Did you get X-rays? - Yes, Can I see them? She was going to work. A car leaving a nightclub ran her lover. - At what time? - At dawn. - Married? Any children? - Yes, married, two children. Do you know the husband? Yes, he's on his way. You left some stuff here yesterday, Sosa. You left some stuff here yesterday, Sosa. Stop by headquarters. Roger that, I'm coming. I'll wait for you. Evening, Hi, Sosa, - Here's the paperwork. - Good. What's the story on Almafuerte Ave.? Female, 82 years old, high blood pressure, suffered a hypertensive crisis, - Six victims, total. - Good evening. - Hi there, Pico, - Who's hungry? - Remember the Mosconi St. Guy? - Who? The one who hit a cyclist, Yeah, He had some kind of trouble with his bank and his insurance policy went unpaid. The same day, he hit and killed this guy on a bike, - Rotten luck! - Bet the cyclist ran a light, Someone is always to blame, Sure, but insurance company's pay because an accident is an accident. And that ady from the driving school. A driving instructor, with years of experience. One day, she's driving a long, when right in front of her windshield this guy drops dead, hit by a falling flowerpot. She's so distressed, she has a heart attack right there, So her car keeps going, runs up the sidewalk and hits this kid, her own nephew... - Bullshit! - No, this stuff happens! The unit's on its way. Ready to go, guys? There's nothing for you, Sosa, See ya. See ya. Luján! - Everything okay? - Yes. I don't dolma practice. It takes forever, you never see the money. I don't mess with doctors. Good to know. How can I change the way you look at me? - Meaning? - I don't know. Like I scare you, I'm not afraid of you. Do you like working here? Yes, I do, But I don't plan to be on call all my life. Right, You're waiting for a better opportunity. - Something like that. - Me too. What are you waiting for? A multiple colision? No, I'm not sure... A change of scenery, getting out of here... I'm not really sure. Truth is, since I started bumping into you regularly, I'm considering staying here. - Is that your pick up line? - No, it's the truth. - I'm not very good at... - Ready, Luján? I have to go. What time do you finish... your shift? Coming! At 8. But I may leave a bit early. Can I wait for you? Sure. If you like, - I'll wait for you. - Okay. - Everything okay? - Yeah, and you? - I'm done. - Did it go well? Yeah, but I'm kind of tired. I should get some sleep, I guess. Can I buy you a coffee here? Five minutes? You graduated, did your residency there, and since positions were rare, Pico helped you get this job. That's not so bad. What about you? What about me? What did you do to lose your license? Nothing. - Nothing? - No, It was bad luck, that's all. Really? But I'm pretty sure... it's changing. - What's changing? - My luck. Why? See that traffic light? That one. If two cars run the red light, I'll kiss you. - Are you crazy? - No, it's just a game. Just to show you my luck is changing. - Two is too easy, - Would you go for three? Ten. That's unreasonable and you know it. It's 6 a.m. Okay, four. Four is a lot. Four... Let's see. Help me out here, people. Here comes the first. Yes. Two. Two... Good job. - Trucks don't count, - Yes, they do. Three, four... Five! I made it! And not a single truck. - I won't kiss you, though. - I'll kiss you, then. - I have to go. - I'm in a tough spot. Should I close it? Can you finish it for today? Sure. "La Superior," good insurance, Is it still valid? Yes... Alright. How much do you want for it? 500 bucks plus repairs and we have a deal. "I hereby authorize payment of the amount, as stated in the agreement de quota litis, and to be deducted from the final damages obtained. Two equal documents are signed as proof of conformity." When do I get the rest? Like I said, you have to wait. I know, but only finish reading. I'll be a minute. How much do you want to give him? Give him 200 more, I met with Rinaldi. It's all I set. You need to see him. - Same old story? - Yes, I don't trust you. No place will treat you better than we do, Sosa. There you go, 200 more, Thanks, man! Thank you. - What do I do now? - Sign. I could do with a nice cold beer. Vega, you drunkard, sign, We're doing it tonight. Hi. At last! Come here. Everything okay? Yes, fine. - What happened? - Nothing. You fell asleep. Sorry. Don't worry. - How long did I sleep? - Around 12 hours. Are you hungry? You're not a morning talker. No, it's just that I'm not very used to it. Want me to give you a hand? Chop more red pepper and that zucchini. - This one? - Right. Both. Like this? Yes. Hi. - What are you doing here? - Filling in. Where's Santillán? Not a clue, I'll go get ready. Not a clue, I'll go get ready. Then, do a quick arpeggio using thumb and nails. - Get it? - Yes. The thumb, when pointing down, strums the lower notes, The rest of the hand... plays the higher notes. The third, second and first... Then, a quick arpeggio using your thumb and nails, Thumb, hand, thumb, hand... Look at me. The secret to Samba is in the strumming, I wish I knew how to play an instrument. - Do you play anything? - No. You smell of alcohol. - No. - Don't lie to me, No! - C'mon! Are we done here? - We're done, Keep your leg straight, Little kids should learn to play an instrument. Here, bite this. - What do you feel? - Nothing... - Sure? - Yes! Don't chicken out on me! Okay, here it goes. Don't shout. Hang in there! C'mon, be strong! Don't shout or we're fucked. Listen to me! It's all you from here, Remember what I told you? Don't look at him, Vega, do you hear me? Yes! Okay, hang in there! What happened, dude? He jumped out of nowhere! This has never happened to me! - What did you do? - He jumped at my windshield, - Are you okay, sir? - Can you hear me? I've been driving 30 years and this never happened to me! Where are we going, Pico? Where are we going, Pico? To aid a victim, But headquarters didn't radio us. It doesn't matter, Luján. Just get ready, we're a most there. Hi. - What are you doing here? - What? I'm working. - Of course, sorry. - What happened? I think he has a skull and a leg fracture. - He's lost a lot of blood, - Did it just happen? A few minutes ago, not more. - Can I help? - Yes. - Has he been unconscious since? - Yes. Do you know his name? Vega, he's a friend. The stretcher. Put a hand here and the other there. Ready? One, two, three, Let's go. One, two, three... - And down... - Careful. Strap this around. Strap that one. That's good, let's lift him up. Can you explain what happened? Not now, Later. - Ready? - One, two, three! I'll tell you everything later, - Take him in, Pico. - I've got him. Come with me. What happened? Please, not now. Later. Save him. Help me. I swear I'll tell you everything. Here, put these on. - What do I do? - Put them on. Do you know what he took? Tramadol and codeine. Why? So it wouldn't hurt. I don't get it, Sosa. I'll explain everything, alright? He's in arrest! Grab this! When I tell you to, press it twice, Now, start. - How? Tell me, - When I tell you, start pumping. One, two... Pico! How far are we? - Six or seven minutes, - Call to say he's in arrest. Unit 28 to base, I have a male around 65... Save him. Shut up, Sosa! Concentrate! One, two! Estimated time of arrival, - [Recieved and understood.] - Hang in there, man. Tell me what's going on, Traffic accident, Male, 65 years old... His vitals are out. We've been doing CPR for 7 minutes. - Did you administer anything? - No. Any known allergies to medication? I don't know. Please... Cardiac arrest, 65-year-old patient, polytrauma... On my count of three... One, two, three! Take the stretcher, Pico, Hook up the oxygen, please, - Plug it in here. - Monitor! - Get me Vaseline. - Monitor's on. Put a line in, please, - Charging! - Get me the oxygen. Step back! Discharge! Can I be of any help? Go by admissions and write a summary, that's all. For intubation, please. How is he? Luján, how is he? He is dead, Sosa. What do you mean dead? He can't be dead! He is dead, Get your hands off me! Understood? Hands off! Wait outside, please. Doctor? - Captain Ibáñez, - Counse or Casal. Good evening. You intervened on Morelli Street, right? I'd need a copy of that report, please. Ask the admissions desk. Excuse me. Don't worry, many thanks, We'll need your license number and details about the accident, If you agreed to cooperate... He wanted to take care of you, I won't abandon you. Excuse me. Calm down. We did all we could, I'm very sorry, ma'am. Calm down... - I can't believe this... - Wait here. I have to settle something. I'll be back. - Luján! - Sosa! - Hold on a sec. - Sosa! Are you crazy, dragging me into your schemes? It was just supposed to be a broken leg. You've got to be kidding! I sign the papers, You have nothing to lose! - I'm going home. - Wait! Get your hands off me. Okay, but this is very important! What did they say? Sign no papers, make no statements, I have to fix this myself. Fix what? You shouldn't have been involved, Forgive me. I don't have anything to forgive. A man just died because of you. I know you don't believe me, but I was doing Vega a favor. He needed the money. Things should've gone smoothly. I don't know what to do. And I'm supposed to tell you? You're a big boy, Sosa, I don't want to see you again. There he is. C'mon, Sosa! C'mon, Sosa! C'mon! - And him? - Waiting for surgery. His labs are done. He has abdominal pain. - Surgeon's on his way. - Paged him? - Yes, shouldn't be long. - Okay. And this one? Male, fell at work, Exposed fracture and cranial trauma. - X-rays? - They're done. The scan? - Not yet. - You didn't page trauma? - This one? - This guy apparently has TB, Let me see... Why isn't he in isolation? I wasn't attending, There are no beds anyway, Would you be interested in the Friday shift? - Yes, of course. - You don't look it. It's just that Friday's my day off, I'm sort of tired... If you want to get appointed, pile up some extra hours. - Should I sign you? - Yes, thanks. Can't hear a thing. I have two more waiting outside. Okay. His belly is fine. Go. I'll handle it, What happened to you? I don't know. I was in a fight. - Where did they hit you? - Everywhere! - Did you lose consciousness? - You're here, piece of shit? Cocksucker! - Let me go, bitch! - Calm down. Stop it! Call security! Easy! Calm down! Stop it, stop it! - Call security! - They're coming! Calm down! What was that? A gunshot! You, stay put! Stay where you are! You okay? Come here. Are you calm, now? Yes, I'm good. Those guys are in for it. Crazy motherfuckers. Turn on the siren so we can move! It's a red light. What can I do? Is that good? Wanna try the other one? Since he left the Foundation, no news. He still owes me money. It's been a while since I saw him. I saw him at San Martin Hospital, Saw him in a hall way, Haven't you seen him around? - No. - So, what's new? Nothing, the lawyer called asking if I'd heard about those five days in Tablada. I told him I didn't have a clue, He said he'd go anyway. One for traumatology, a male. A woman for surgery. A 25-year-old guy for isolation. No, we need to transfer that one. Here are the orders, thanks. What are you doing here? - I've been calling you. - I know. I left messages, but you never answer. I need to talk to you, Okay, but not here. So tell me when and where. I'll be there. I just need you to listen to me, for just a minute. - Are you okay? - Perfect, You? Fine. When? I don't know, I'm working now. What's with you, Sosa? Virgin Mary turn you into a good boy? Did Jesus talk to you? That money is not yours. You'll have to break many bones to it pay back. Meanwhile, they'll keep sending me to beat your ass. What should I tell Casal? Tell me what to tell Casal, How long have we known each other? You know I'd rather be with Romina at home, or with the kids watching TV. But instead, I have to come beat some sense into you. What should I tell Casal, Sosa? And this better be crystal clear. You are the only responsible for this, stupid son of a bitch. A guy with a head injury has been asking for you for ten minutes. Thank you. Is this some kind of joke? What happened? It's nothing. Look at you! Sit up. - Can you sit? - Yes, of course. Come with me. - My jacket? - I've got it. Hurry up. - Over there. - Sorry. The Vega case was to be the last, It was an easy one. I'd done it several times. Everyone got what they wanted. It was my last job for the Foundation. Stay like this. I just needed my license back, so I could be free. But in the middle of all that mess... you turned up, And I started to feel things could change. But of course... something had to go wrong. Something... Stay put. It's so weird. Feels like getting out of jail. Even with my license back, I can't work here. This was a warning, I'm starting to do things right. This is how you do it? I had them beat the hell out of me to get your attention. I collected all the Vega money, Gave it to his wife. She deserved it. They can beat the hell out of me. I can't keep working here, Luján, Or you'll be stitching my face every week. That's why I have to leave. I had two options: I could come say goodbye... or ask you to come with me. What do you think? That you're talking nonsense, - I'll be back, - I mean it. - He was beat up, - Beat up? How badly, when? Did he need stitches, and all? Yeah, gave him two. You would've given him 10! You fell for him at first sight! - Don't be a jerk, Pico. - Look how you get... You're a jerk! What the fuck happened to you, Sosa? Are you stupid? I have enough problems without your stupid ass, I just want to be left a one. I don't give a shit! You can't work this area. You fucked up the Vega case, you kept my money and now you want more? Deduct it from all you owe me, We'll be even. - Even? - Even, yes. Sosa, you are in no position to negotiate. Know what? Get lost, Disappear. I don't want back in, I worked for you guys too long. It's over. Let me work in peace, I'll get some money together and leave. I understand, But those are my accidents, my clients. It's my clinic and my hospital. San Justo is mine, this country is mine! So stay away if you don't want any trouble. Otherwise, try doing homeowners' association, divorce cases, estates... Francisco Abendaño... Bus crash, The company paid 270 grand, he got 30,000. Delia Ortega, pregnant, hit at a pedestrian crossing. I remember accurately. They paid 150, she got 25, Rodrigo Suárez. Bike accident. They paid 80, he got 11, Martín Prieti and his family, remember? They paid 112 grand, he got 35. Should I keep going? Are you the voice of conscience or something? No, I have their phone numbers, you jerk. I have every copy of the agreement forms. I can have them sue you, one a week 'till I drive you crazy. Do you still think you're in charge? Who's going to protect you? The Dog? Rinaldi? Who? Are you threatening me? Are you nuts? After everything I've done for you? I got you back on your feet, gave you a job. - That's really sentimental, - Sure it is, asshole! Listen to me! Give me a little time to save up and I'll leave for good. That's all I'm asking. Don't you get it? I don't believe this! - Calm down, Sosa. - You make me sick. - Don't do anything stupid. - Fuck you! Did you treat Nevares? The one with atrial fibrillation? Yes. - Did you give him heparin? - Of course. Are you nuts? Are you nuts? Do you want to kill him? Didn't you realize he had a digestive hemorrhage? No, I didn't, Sorry. - What were you thinking? - I need sleep. We're all tired! You'll end up killing someone. We're all tired! You'll end up killing someone, Go fix it. But I was on my way out... You'll stay until this is fixed. Am I clear? Doctor, they're waiting upstairs. Doctor, they're waiting upstairs. - C'mon, Luján, - What happened? A car hit a truck on the highway. - How many victims? - Six victims. - How many victims? - Six victims. Six? Three in very serious condition. How many are we? It's Juárez, you and me. - What about Garrido? - Garrido is doing triage. Doctor! Please help us! What happened, ma'am? Easy, calm down... He's choking. Please wait here, calm down. - What's this? - Respiratory arrest. Calm down. I can't work if you're screaming. Wait outside! I can't work if you're screaming. Wait outside! There he goes, c'mon. Take off his shirt, give him oxygen. Do we have a line? Stay calm, sir! He's not getting any air, - Hypotonic pneumothorax? - Yes. Put some Pervinox on. Try to breath slowly! He's going into arrest! C'mon! He's breathing better. Can you hear me, man? Listen to his chest. - Breathe slowly, - Take a deep breath, - Now we're talking! - That's it! - Now we're talking! - That's it! He's ventilating, There you go. Go if you have to, I'll stay, Put the brace on and go. Call the surgeon, Let me put the brace on... - I'll stay with him. - You're a set. Quiet. - I'll stay with him. - You're a set. Quiet. Breathe deeply, man, breathe. He was my only brother, doctor. Concentrate on your husband now, He's fine. That's true. Thank you, doctor. Everything's going to be okay. How do I tell my mom? - You'll find the words. - Oh, doctor! - You'll find the words. - Oh, doctor! You'll find a way to tell her. It's all so awfull. Hold on there. Promise me. - What? - That you'll do things right. - I've a ready told you, - Promise me again. I promise you again. I promise you again. Okay? - Okay, let's go. - Thanks. - I'm only doing it for her. - Me too. I appreciate your trust, anyway. I appreciate your trust, anyway. You're welcome. My family is already talking to a different firm. My fami y is already talking to a different firm. They say it's better if we all have the same lawyer. No, that's not the truth. You're free to choose who you work with. And please, don't sign any papers yet. Bring me the papers, and I'll explain what their proposition is, Okay, counselor. What can we do about my brother? My sister-in-law is in despair. The hospital and police station won't tell us anything. The hospital and police station won't tell us anything. They won't let us take his body, Get those X-rays to me, I'm on call all night, okay? Get those X-rays to me, I'm on call all night, okay? Olivera? Come here for a second. Sure, what's going on? Have you gone mad? - What are you doing? - What do you mean? - What are you doing? - What do you mean? Don't play naive. Don't play dumb with me! Are you he ping that vulture who's been lurking around here? No. Don't mess with me, And watch what you do. This could turn ugly, You could regret it. Look at me when I'm talking to you! I think you're confused, You're the one who's confused! Consider yourself warned, Don't forget that. Consider yourself warned, Don't forget that. Hi. Good morning! - Are you okay? - Yes. What do you need? - Are my things at the hospital? - No. Everything's in your purse. - Do you want them? - No, it's okay. - Do you want them? - No, it's okay. - You can leave if you want. - Do you want me to? I want you to stay, Then I'll stay. Thanks for picking me up, - He came by. - Who? The fat man. - And? - Asked me if I'd seen you around. - Got the papers? - Yes. Here, Count it. What are you up to? Lay low for a while. - Te Ibáñez Sosa is here. - I'll tell him. - Te Ibáñez Sosa is here. - I'll tell him. - Anything to drink? - A glass of water. Think I don't know you and Casal are plotting? I've had it! I've had it! - Goodbye, Sosa. - Rinaldi. Sosa, Sorry I kept you waiting. Don't worry, no problem. You like to surprise me. You like to surprise me. You fleed the Foundation without saying goodbye. Slamming the door on your way out. That shows lack of gratitude, Oh yes, that's what it is. Then you come here without warning. Then you come here without warning. - I warned..., - Who did you warn? Nobody! You're taking care of the Route 3 accident, right? - Have their power of attorney? - Two... Casal has the other three. Casal has the other three. So what are you doing here? I want to work in peace. Casal is very anxious, he's a lover me, - I need you to keep him on a eash, - Yes... - I need you to keep him on a eash, - Yes... Casal wants to fuck me over. He's plotting with Rinaldi. It's a ways been this way. Those be low want a piece of those on top. - I don't want a piece of anyone. - I do! I want those five powers of attorney here, I want those five powers of attorney here, And I want you bringing them, not Casal. We give each other a mutual hand. That's the way its done. What do you need to get those papers? Time. You'll get it. I'll make sure Casal gets off your back. Bring me back those papers signed. And if all this goes well, I have big plans for you. Counselor, we intend to negotiate, but this situation is getting complicated, You handle some cases, Mr. Casal handles others. It would be much simple for us to negotiate with one firm, - Am I clear? - Yes, perfectly. We can finish this conversation in court if you wish, Mr. Casal called me five times today. He told me your powers of attorney had been revoked. Do you believe Casal? Casal? This invitation is for you. It's for my daughter's sweet 15, Thank you very much! You are coming, right? - When is it? - Next Saturday. The thing is, I work on Saturday, I'm on call, I can't go, Just drop by, please, Thanks to you, my husband is alive, and we can have this party. We'd love for you to come. You are our special guest. Picture time, everyone! Ready? Say cheese! Perfect! One more, Say cheese... One more time, Smile, Grandma! Faced with such an offer, he obviously signed. The same thing's happening with your case, they bought it off. One year later, you'll find out that the awsuit brought in 80, 100 or 120 grand. And you'll feel ripped off. You'll want to sue, but, too late, You've a ready signed, Thing is, they have a lot of money, a lot of cases... Like yours, and they have time. They can wait. Right, but when would we get the money with you? That's not my decision. It's something we need to discuss, like we did with them. Just don't be in a rush, that's when you lose. The key is knowing how to be patient. Hurrah for Dr. Olivera! Let's go to the center. I love you, When I came to Buenos Aires I met an anesthetist, With him, I started shooting up. It's the only thing that soothes me, And I think I like it, too. Do you have any pictures? - What kind? - Of when you were fat. I'm not ever showing you those. What a pity. I could fall for a fat version of yourself. Don't you like me thin? More or less..., You're mean... - Tell me something about you, - About me? - No..., - Why? Because we're having a good time, I'd rather not ruin it, "At San Justo, La Matanza County, state of Buenos Aires, they stand to bestow legal power of attorney in favor of Counselor Héctor Sosa, so he can be part of all judicial matters, and therefore entitled to collect cash or negotiate on any business matter." This means you're authorizing me to collect any money the insurance company pays you. My turn to sign. You wanted me to dance to make fun of me! - Not at all! - I knew it. See? I was right. Look at your shoulders, I can't believe I'm here again. Want me to pick you up tonight? I'm on call 'till tomorrow. - What then? - I'll call you. Can you take him to triage and put a line in? Thanks. The one on 12 needs his drip changed, okay? I'm here for a blood test. Here's the prescription. Not here, Try the other counter. Hello? Hello? I'm locked in! We can't open, doctorl Here's something to read! So you don't get bored! Open up! - What's your problem? - Let me out. - Walk, please, - Let me go. Take it easy. Don't complicate things. Stay calm and you'll be fine. Anyone else here? No, Do you know why we're here? Are you stupid, didn't you read the case file? Wait for me outside. How did someone like you get mixed up in this? You do know why we're here, right? We sent you signs. Do you still not get it? Let me out. You're hurting me! Where do you think you're going? This isn't over. I'll say when it's over! Are you done? Stop it! What happened? What is it? What did they do? Let me take a look. Luján, look at me. - Son of a bitch! - Drive me away from here, please. Are you okay? Tell me, sweetie. Forgive me, please. Luján, please forgive me. Sit down, hang in there. There, let me see, Open your mouth. Son of a bitch... Let me get this off. Raise your arms, - What? - It hurts..., - What hurts? - Everything. Wait, What is it? Help me, Please, Here, Stick it in the vein, I know how to do it, Don't worry, Look at me, Thanks. Please, forgive me, I'm going to be okay, I love you, Son of a bitch! Don't ever mess with her again! You motherfucking shit! Not ever again! Got it? Never again! Understood? Did you hear what I said? Answer me! Fucking son of a bitch! What happened? Luján, we're leaving! Wake up, c'mon, Please, Luján, wake up! Listen to me, there's no time. We need to go. - Your face... - Pack some clothes. I'll tell you later. Here's a bag. C'mon. Hold on, don't open. Don't look out, look at me. - We'll find another way. - Let's go back up. You go back up, You lock yourself in until I'm back. Don't answer the phone, Listen to me, Please, don't go... Luján, listen to me! There's no time to waste. Listen to me! Look at me. Open your eyes! Look at me, Grab the bag and go upstairs. Lock the door and don't open it until I'm back. Don't answer the phone, It'll be fine, I'll come back. I promise I'll come back. - Please... - Stay calm, go upstairs. I'll come back, sweetie, Take a look, Look at what you did. Fuck, man, Look at him, You went too far. Poor thing! Casal had it coming. Finally got what he deserved. What's done, is done. Truth is you did me a favor. But I don't want you getting in trouble with them. - What do you want? - For you to keep your calm. Uncuff him..., Let's have a chat. Sit down, okay? You got a the cases and you kept it to yourself. It's ok, though, Once you collect, you'll cash the checks and bring me the money, How much? All of it, of course, - Think of it as an investment. - That money is not mine. I can't solve all your problems, I'm offering my friendship and protection. Is that not enough? Muñoz! Muñoz! Here I am. He has to take care of a very delicate errand for me. I want you to go with him and stay close, For his own safety. - Come on, - Go in peace. Hey, Sosa... Sosa! This chair is yours, Listen carefully. Villegas 1357, opposite the waste ground, Think they'll let you off the hook once you collect? No. So, pay attention, This is madness. Just stay with me, please, We can do this. Be careful, I'm scared. Don't be. Trust me. Where's the bank? - Villegas 1357. - Good. "The damages in favor of the plaintiff amount to $580,000, payable in three checks, made out to the plaintiff's attorney." The rest states the parties involved, And your signature, Good, Sosa, you're finally here, You have everything? Let's check it out. Looks like it's all there, Let's go, That's all of it. A right, 530,000, And 560,000. 20,000 is our commission, The office is in an awful state. I had it cleaned thoroughly, I'll have the furniture replaced, then send in the painting crew. What color would you like? I mean what color for the office? I don't know. I think a lighter color would make it look bigger, more important, It was too dark, too cluttered. We'll see about that later. Okay, this is it, Here, You're coming with us, Sosa. - Where to? - Wherever, we can give you a ride, Get in, Keep thinking about the color and let me know. I had the locks changed, I'll have the keys later today. Remind me to give you a set. I already got the list of this weekend's accidents. Last night, a taxi ran over two guys at Juan Terán, A big fucking mess! Did you read the paper? How many this week? Eight already? That's over 30 this month, Unbelievable, Did you hear about the highway crash? The bus was packed. There's over a dozen injured, a couple dead... Sons of bitches should fix the gate. They're useless... This one guy ended up with 60% disability. We need to get our hands on him, That's your job, Sosa, What's the matter with him? Cat got his tongue? You're fucked, Dog! - Go! Didn't you hear? - Wait for Vitali, - No! Let's go! - We're waiting for him! What happened? Please, at least to the corner so we can see. Here he comes. Look at the truck... What happened? - Hurry up! - Hurry up! What happened? I don't know. It looks bad! Do you see him? No, not yet. Sosa, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Can you hear me? Stay put, don't move, Don't move him! Put a brace on him! We need to get him out! - Are you okay? - It's my leg... Can you hear me? - Yes, I'm fine. - Don't move, stay put. Hold on, hold on! Here's the brace. No time for that, Help me get him out, How do you feel? Don't close your eyes. Look at me, honey, Look at me, Look at me, I'm okay, The money, Get the suitcase. The suitcase, He was coming too fast, - Very fast, - He hit you hard... Bring the briefcase, Don't get worked up, stay calm, Sit down. - Let me examine him, - Let's split, Let me examine him, Pico. Where is the gun? Give it to me! - Don't go there! - Are you okay? Pico! He's dead! - Where's the car? - Over there! Come on! Are you okay? Get in the car! - Hit it! - It won't start! Keep going! Are you okay? Look at me, Open your eyes. - Tel me what to do. - Are we being followed? No one's following us. Look at me, Are you okay? Make a right. You did well, - Are you okay? - Yes. - Are you okay? - Yes. Look at me, Are you okay? - Thanks, Doctor, - I love you. Me too, Let's get out of here. Yeah, let's go, Coming through, please! A female over here and inside the car, a male. The guy is covered in blood, No pulse, blood in the abdomen and mid-section. We're taking the woman, Ma'am? Can you tell me about the accident? Take the neck brace, Let me help you, Lift on my count of three, okay? One, two, three... Excuse me, coming through! Charisma! Get over here! Huh? So noisy. What? Takasu-sensei? Takasu-sensei? look at this. Okay..."write the reading of the following sentence". Ki ni hairanai" (An incorrect kanji reading of "ki ni iranai" - to not be pleased) Huh? "Ki ni hairanai". Everyone except Jack wrote that? What are you teaching them? ki ni hairanai" is correct then? Of course not! Don't forget. your dreams of being a high school teacher goes up in smoke! today we're going to review. It's time to get to work! - She doesn't seem to be in a good mood. - Maybe she was rejected by a guy. do you drink black tea often (yoku)? - I casually (tamatama) drink. - Casually (tamatama)? Tamatama" means by chance! You mean "occasionally" (tama ni) right? I sometimes (tokidoki) drink. Tama ni" and "tokidoki" are different! I taught you when to use them because they all talk about different frequencies! For example... always (itsumo) drinks. generally (taitel) drinks. often (yoku) drinks. sometimes (tokidoki) drinks. never (zenzen) drinks. - Got it? - Yes. I always (itsumo) drink black tea. right? right? You have jam on the side when you drink. You put milk of cow (ushi no chichi) in tea. you read it as "gyuunyuu" (milk). Didn't I teach that to you last time? - Haruko you're scary! - I'm not! Aren't you pleased (ureshiku) to be teaching? tanoshiku" (happy). Ureshii" and "tanoshii" is used to represent different - lengths of happiness. - Lengths? which would you use? - I'd be pleased (ureshii). - Right? And watching a movie about honor? happy (tanoshii). - Right. Tanoshii" is used to represent a longer time of happiness than "ureshii". right? Sorry. Haruko! Do shinobi and kunoichi mean different things? You can ask me that after class. which one is a ninja? fine! Kunoichi is a female ninja. ichi) All foreigners have an interest in ninjas. such amazing people don't exist. Hattori Hanzo. Sarutobi Sasuke. Sanada Hiroyuki. Last one's an actor. right? - Huh? - And they fly in the air. Naruto! Hey hey! Do you all think ninjas are still around? Yeah! I came here to meet ninjas. But I haven't yet. Of course not. There are no ninjas in Japan today. There are! Haruko. You don't believe in the greatness of ninjas. - Ninjas were great at math too. - Math? - Yeah! - Ninja guidebook? When a ninja wanted to find out how deep a moat was then measure how long it took from it to the reed to submerge when pulled forward. He would use the Pythagorean theorem to figure it out. Is it true? I don't know! I'm not a ninja. I'm sorry to shatter everyone's dreams but there are no ninjas nowadays. vanishing? Flying in the sky? Those are just fairy tales. A salary man at my store vanished too. That's just an old man gag. And this Pythagorean theorem is a bit suspicious. I think I read about the Pythagorean theorem in math documents from the Edo period. - Really? - Yeah! You're wrong here! then wouldn't they have taken over the world? Ninjas were pacifists though! - That's right! - They exist! Okay! Fine they exist. Shouldn't you look for them? hurry take your seat! ninjas exist! - Vanish! - Split into duplicates! Manuke" technique! (Manuke - idiot) nawanuke - rope) nawanuke - rope) Get serious! Nihonjin no Shiranai Nihongo (The Japanese the Japanese Don't Know) Episode 6 why were you shouting during class? can we exchange students? I won't become a high school teacher. you should stay a Japanese... I won't. Ellen. where are the ninjas? Tell me. Still... Okay? The places where ninja are nowadays are secret. - So no one knows. - Really? - Haruko-sensei. - It's fine. maybe I should go on the Hanzomon Line to Hanzomon. Hattori Hanzo's house is there. Hattori Hanzo's house is Hanzomon? Hanzo. Okay. Got it. I'll let you know. what's the "suppa" in "suppa nuku" mean? Suppa? Haruko! Who is it now? Long time no see. Fumio. - Who's that? - Probably someone she went out with from her university days. I heard it about it before. He's a high school teacher. What's this all of a sudden? Japanese teachers have a lot of freedom. - It's nothing special. - Did you forget? that's how you failed your high school employment exam. I don't like any schools that judges people on their appearance. What a brat. What? Did you come here to argue? Did you come to say something? - Do you intend to stay here? - Seriously... I haven't given up yet. - Hanzomon Private High School. - My school is looking for a Japanese teacher. - Huh? - Starting this September with our new semester. September is so soon. That's why I came to see you. why? Good work today. Good work. Come to Hanzomon at 5 tomorrow. I'll introduce you to our chairman. - Tomorrow? - You just have to meet him. I'll do what I can after that. this is so sudden... this isn't a place for you I believe. Excuse me. Where is Hattori Hanzo's house? Where are the ninjas? Hanzomon is straight ahead on the Koushu Highway... Disappeared. - High school employment interview? - It's a chance for me. But what about the principal helping you look for work? Takasu won't let all my students graduate. do you think you can just leave the students behind? Hello. Koubun Academy. Huh? Police? I'm very sorry. I just found her squatting down in the forest during my patrol. I just called because I was worried. Ellen! What are you doing in that getup? You said there were ninjas! just glad nothing happened. there have been some rape incidents nearby. Rape incidents? The culprit uses a blade to inflict large injuries on the face and body. Glad nothing happened. Thanks for the meal! be careful back home. about before... I wonder if Haruko-sensei will quit our school. Hmm... are you hungry? I just don't feel comfortable around here. we can eat. what do you like Shibuya-sensei? - Haruko! - Ah! Are you okay? I really met a ninja! - Who would believe that? - I got this. You take a photo and I'll believe it. Gotta expose him. Ellen. Hurry! Hurry! What's with that walking? That's how ninjas run. - Run? Like this? - Yeah. it's fast! Taken by the police? This is record breaking... making Ellen go to such a - dangerous place! - I didn't know it was dangerous! You're the one lying to students! And you're still not teaching them Japanese! Are you not satisfied (yaku busoku) with my work? I don't think you have the skills (chikara busoku). it's your teaching skills as a Japanese teacher that is insufficient. - They're the same! - What? Wait a second. go to the high school. I'm worried about the students if she quits! Are you just worried about the students? The students put their faith in you and you're running away before graduation. I feel sorry for them. huh? Ellen! Ellen! Ellen! What's with the phone? The cell phone the ninja dropped at Hanzomon. Dropped at Hanzomon? You should give dropped things to the police! I'm going to give it to the ninja myself! Sorry. I lied about that. There are no ninjas anywhere. Not even in Hanzomon. - A lie? - What's this? It's not a lie! I met a ninja! His face and body was all in black. And he just vanished! Uh... maybe you saw him in a dream? - Hello. - Ellen! Class is starting! You think it's okay to lie to students? then we can't trust you! - Yeah! - Can't trust you! I called. - You're a ninja? - Huh? I won't tell your secret to anyone. I want to vanish too. Then I'll give you back your phone. Okay. But people can see us in the afternoon so - let's meet again at night? - Okay! You're going to take it? After you got all this way to help your students graduate. Ellen! You skipped class! Where were you? - It's a secret. - Why did you skip class? come here with me. So looks like you lost your student's trust. it makes things a lot easier! Haruko! Let's go. Okay. Hey wait. Are you going to make the same mistakes again? Huh? - Finished? - Can't do it. - Did you change? - I said I can't do it! We don't have time. I can't go there like this. You can do it. Yep. This isn't me. you're just doing it so you can get what you want. Ah Haruko-sensei? Where are you now? Now? I'm about to go for my interview. Huh? Your interview is today? I have kendo practice but so I figured she was with you. Ellen? she's going to take a picture with the ninja whose phone she has in the forest and then show it - to you as proof. - To me? Yeah. She wanted to make it a surprise so she told me to keep it secret. Almost time to go. I met a ninja! His face and body was all in black. And he just vanished! Vanished... The cell phone the ninja dropped at Hanzomon. Hey! I think we've got trouble! A rape suspect? Okay. The forest in Hanzomon? Got it. I'll go look right away. Wait. Where are you going? - I think my student is in trouble. - Didn't you ask another teacher? you should take care of yourself. Okay? How much more walking? Up to a place where no one will see us. I'm a ninja after all. Ah. Let me teach you the art of escape. - I know! - You know? I know some other stuff too. Do you use the Pythagorean theorem to measure how deep a moat is too? - What's that? - Are you really a ninja? Sorry. I lied. right? It's a completely different level from high school. - Level? - Didn't your students just come here to sightsee? I came to meet a ninja! right? ninjas exist! - "Manuke" technique! - Not "manuke"! "Nawanuke"! Your students are foreigners. It's easy for trouble to happen. wasn't this your intention all along? The students put their faith in you and you're running away before graduation. I feel sorry for them. the job isn't good enough (yaku busoku) for you. Not good enough? (Yaku busoku) Let's go. it's not. - Huh? Maybe I have students who can't really read or write. everyone does want to learn! I think they're stronger than us Japanese. - What are you saying? - Maybe they do seem not serious but they're actually very serious. They truly do believe that ninjas do exist. there are a lot of troubles. don't all schools have problems? You're just lumping all kinds of education together. even ninjas. They know more about it than me! - But... - My dream hasn't changed. To be a high school teacher. I don't think that a Japanese teaching job isn't good enough (yaku busoku) for me. I'm not good enough for it (chikara busoku). I'll help. Just like before. Like before? How about we make up? That's why you referred me to this? I figured you had your back towards the past. Don't misunderstand me. Haruko... There's no point in running away from reality to live in some dream. Sorry. Keep resisting and I'll cut that pretty face of yours. Help me... Ellen! Ellen! Haruko! Haruko! - Ellen! - More trouble huh? Hey hey! Wait! Wait wait! - Stop it! - Be quiet! Quit it! Get away! Ellen! Are you okay? Haruko! Shuriken? Hands off of my student! You sick pervert! Ellen! Ellen! Master is here! Ellen are you okay? You're not hurt? Master. I thought I heard Haruko-sensei's voice. She vanished. Ellen-san! Vanished? - Get up! - You attacked Ellen! - Stop! - Attack! Hey! Hey! Someone help me! It looks like Haruko-sensei didn't go to her interview. I'm glad. - Takasu-sensei. I was worried I would lose the pleasure of firing her myself. You seem happy that you can keep working with Haruko-sensei. I think I would start feeling sad around here. Huh? So that's the case? It'll be hard to keep feelings of love under wraps in the workplace. Yeah... teacher. Ah Ellen! I looked into it and the "suppa" from "suppa nuku is actually a ninja thing. - Ninja? - Yeah. Ninja so they called it or getting your hands on secret information. - Amazing! - But in today's Japan... You don't have to tell me. There are no ninjas. Huh? But there really are. You're a female ninja (kunoichi) after all. okay? Hey! I hurt my foot saving you! it's not "tama tama it's "tama ni" (sometimes)! Open up! Open up! Ellen! There was a prison riot at Trowbridge. 21st Street Kings? What's it to you? Your patient, Francisco Reyes, someone tried to kill him tonight, started this whole thing. I want to see my boyfriend Francisco. They said that I couldn't see him, but I thought since we're friends... Baby! How's Michaela? She misses her dad. Get her out of here. Lauren Kempton didn't die of natural causes. You shouldn't be telling me this. Paul knows. We are not friends. You worked for my family, then you killed my mother. Hey, Andy. What are you doing? I don't know where I am. I need some help. You'll have to stop playing football for good. Remarried by 2013. You wish. 2:00 tonight one of my guys is gonna stop by to see Francisco. They called in a favor. Chloe, give me the nitrous spray. They wanted a clean shot at Francisco. What happens now? You didn't do what they wanted you to do. I don't know. Hey, spider... Where is he? You said, "5 minutes, " like, 20 minutes ago. I look like I wind his watch? Come on, Joe, sit in a hand. Come on, one hand. What's the matter, our money's not good for you? Oh... This is unbelievable. Do you believe this? Stop. You're killing me here. Right on the River, you got the catch, huh? Look at this. Hey, Tom! Tommy! You got a real gift, you know that? Yeah, I got a few. Which one are you talking about? The one that makes people want to kick your ass. Come on. You wanted to see me, let's go. Come here. Dom, listen, I, I didn't come here to play. I was waiting. They were asking. It just, you know... Didn't mean to piss you off. Like I said, it's a gift. Yeah, well... Uh, listen, what I came to say was what happened at the hospital with your buddy Francisco... out of my control. I mean, the guy's heart failed, alarms going off people all around him. Whatever. We'll figure out another way to get to him. Your dog's gay, Dom. It's not about sex. It's about dominance. Come here. Come on, come on. Sit down. The thing is Enzo here has been having some digestive problems. Yeah? Well, maybe you should stop feeding him salami. You know, the vet I've been taking him to, I don't trust. Maybe you could poke around, see what's up. Excuse me? You know, it could be a bug. Have a look. Dom, I'm a cardiologist. I don't care what you call yourself. No. Not gonna happen. You know, the only reason you haven't had your ticket punched is 'cause of Jules, and she's over you. Shoot me. I don't care. Nah. No, I got a better idea. I'll make sure you lose your medical license, and you know I can. To a guy like you, that's worse than death, no? You owe me 100 grand for your personal march madness. I can't believe you made me take the bus over here. What? Your car breaks down, you want a ride, you come to me. I'd have picked you up. I'm on your way to work. Oh, man. What happened? He's crazy. What is going on, Sonia? Lauren Kempton didn't exactly die of natural causes. Seriously, how many bowls of cereal are you gonna eat this morning? I don't know. Like, five. Do you have any idea how many millions of dollars you're costing me in cereal? You're lucky I like you. So I'll bring my own from now on. I'll bring a big duffel bag full of cereal whenever I come over here. That's sexy. I gotta go. I got Asian studies at 9:00. Aw, that's sweet. You know what I have at 9:00? My job. That's too bad for you, old lady. Did you just use the "o" word? What's that? That looks nasty. What happened? I-I was moving a new couch into the house. I must have, uh, banged a wall or something. Really? Yeah, really. Are you sure? What the hell does that mean? Honestly, I'm worried you're playing football. Okay, well, even if I am... You know what? It's none of your business. Andy, are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what that can do to you? Can you just get off my back? I gotta go. His mother was gonna kill herself no matter what. Paul would be insane to blame you. No kidding, right? With all this going on, Sonia, you've got to talk to Nick. I tried. He doesn't want to know about it. He's so over me. I can't believe that. You know, I'm starting to think that maybe I should just turn myself in. I know what I did wasn't legal, but it was right. No, promise me you're not gonna do anything crazy. I'm not spending my Sundays visiting you in prison. I promise. Promise what? Nothing. You know, secrets are dangerous. They can explode inside you and spackle your organs. Really? Yeah. Hey! Hey! Come back here! Okay. Oh, no. Airway's clear. I have her neck. Can you hear me? Can you tell me what happened? Two guys... baseball bats. Camila? Angel. ♪ Mercy 1x21 ♪ We All Saw This Coming ♪ Move forward, fall back ♪ Original Air Date on May 5, 2010 ♪ life is like that ♪ ♪ and we're just getting started ♪ ♪ one thing's for sure ♪ ♪ ain't no remedy ♪ ♪ if you want to get right ♪ ♪ then you better get right with me ♪ ♪ well, hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ if you want to get right ♪ ♪ then you better get right with me ♪ ♪ better get right with me ♪ Rudy, get Mr. smolek up and walking, no excuses. Hey. Hey. You got blood on your neck. Oh. Here. Th--this girl got thrown from a car. This coffee's either three days old, or you just made it out of camel sweat! Which is weird, because camel's don't sweat. Is... Hey! I can't believe you are still leading with that cheese! There they are! Sir. Yeah. Come here. Oh! Oh, my gosh. Hey. You big lug. Colonel Ramsey. Retired colonel Ramsey. What are you doing here? Well, you find me a room where I can take my pants off, and I'll tell you. Yeah. I knew guys thought with it. I didn't know they talked with it too. This way. Come on. So when did you get back from Iraq? Six months ago. And no phone call? It's unforgivable. Osteophytes-- central erosion. You need a whole new knee. Tomorrow, 8:00 A.M. You need pre-ops. And I have an 8:00 A.M. In fact, I'm booked all month. Check with your chief. I am your 8:00. And I'll tell you both my good news at dinner tonight. Early rez- - I'm npo after midnight. I was gonna call you... invite you to dinner with me and Claude. Okay, you're gonna feel some pressure. This tube is gonna fix your collapsed lung. Michaela. Is she at home? She's with my mother in Chicago. Xeroform, Angel. We're gonna call her. Angel! Got your xeroform, Dan. How did you know her? They went to High School together- -Angel's last girl. Can we give her something for her pain? Let's get the B.P. and make sure she can handle it. She's got a strong pulse. I can start slow. Okay, just give her two of morphine. One. Dan... One milligram till after we get a reading. And check your emotions. I don't care what happened on prom night. Systolic's down to 80. Dan, I don't think it's the morphine. That's not the point. Squeeze in another liter. Here's your problem. There's a clot inside. The lung couldn't expand. Good catch, Angel. But you're still too close to this. Dan, please. If Helen floats down another ICU nurse, can I stay on the case? Take her to CT. I'll meet you upstairs. Dan, you have a minute? I suppose. It's about Andy, the football concussion guy. Progress can be slow. It's measured in months, not days. I think he's still playing. No. A copy of the impact test was sent to the college. Yeah, that's what we thought. But I checked--he never signed the release forms. Then he's putting himself at great risk. What if I sent a copy of the forms to his coach? That would be a violation of the patient-confidentiality law. How do you feel about a year in prison and a $100,000 fine? He could die. Well, then have a serious talk with him. Get him to sign the papers. I don't think I can. He's been getting really angry about even, like, stupid things. You realize that's also a symptom of a brain injury. What was the report from radiology? Head and belly CT-- negative. I trust you'll do the right thing. What is the right thing? That was really good. I remember when Chris first saw you. Yeah, in the mess tent. What? I do. No. I remem-- you were doing a bowel resection. I'm telling you, it was in the mess tent. No. They served beef stroganoff that day. You sat kitty-corner to me. No. Yes. You guys sound like an old married couple. Oh, actually, uh, Nate, we're not, uh... Together. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. Wartime romance, huh? Yeah. Listen, anyway, what I was thinking was- it was complicated. It didn't have to be. Well, it was. He just-- he just showed up. I was still married, and we were working together. It was a whole... thing. Anyway, I'm in therapy now. 'Cause of Chris? Yes. No. The war. Can I--thank you. That's good. So wait, Nate. Tell me, what's--what's- what's the great news you got? Oh... Okay. I'm going back... Afghanistan this time-- East of Kabul, International Hospital, no military affiliations. You're hurt, we help. And I want both of you to come back and work with me again. No, I-I can't- - I can't do that. I have commitments here. Hey, you remember that guy-- the, uh-- the soldier from San Diego... With the chargers tattoo? Gunshot wound to the femur- the thing was vaporized. Oh, yeah, yeah. I gave him an external fixator. Yeah, keeping that limb was a prayer. Donnie. Donnie! What ever happened to him? We airlifted him to Landstuhl, had a femoral prosthetic inserted. We saved the limb. A year later, he's back on active duty, and he's helping me as a surgical tech. What? I'm serious. That's amazing. Hey, so how are Diane and the kids? Terrific. Terrific. Um, what about that little girl? The Iraqi girl-- the IED victim? Multiple fractures, burns, three operations, a couple of skin grafts. Look, Nate... I am extremely proud of the work we did over there... but I can't go back. I made my pitch. Excuse me, guys. Can you make it? No, no, no, I got it. What? Oh, I, uh-- it was--you know, it was horrible over there, but... it was also great. Like, everything I did made sense. Okay. Give grandma a hug. I love you to the moon and back. Bye, Michaela. To the moon and back? Nice. It's from a book we used to read when she was a baby. Do you have any kids? Someday, I hope. Hey, what about me? I could have kids. Well, it's a trip. Pvcs. 100 of Lidocaine. There's a few irregular heartbeats. Ck is 210,000. Potassium, 7.3. B.U.N. on the rise she's in rhabdo. What's happening? You have a condition- rhabdomyolysis. Your muscles were badly damaged. The toxins inside the broken cells are hurting your kidneys. She's out. V-tach. 200 joules. Clear. Good pulse. Satting at 98. Call Briggs to place a quinton. Have you gotten in touch with Michaela? She's getting on a bus in Chicago. She'll be here tomorrow night. Let's just treat the hyperkalemia. We'll get her on dialysis. If we can lower her potassium and her ck, she should be out of the woods. Thanks for meeting me at 7:00 A.M. Chez Flanagan is equidistant between us. I thought it was fair. I want a sausage biscuit, hash browns, and, um...chocolate shake. I'll take strawberry and one of those nasty tacos. Awesome. Can we discuss my situation, please? I either tell Andy's coach, and he lives, or I play by the rules, don't say anything, and he dies. So the, uh, decision's clear, right? Totally clear. Don't tell the coach. What? Nope. Can I get a nasty taco? Did you get onion rings? What? No. Really? Are you a bulimic grease addict? Like I need your judgment at 7:00 in the morning. I want-- ah, ah, ah! Hey! Don't jack my taco, bitch! Ugh! So basically, there's no wiggle room is what you're saying. No, there is wiggle room. You care about this guy, right? He might die, so you tell the coach. But just so you know, there may be repercussions. Yep, I could be unemployed. He'll be really angry, but at least he lives. So you're good? How was your reunion dinner, Veronica? Oh, God. Nate and Chris were talking about the war like it was the greatest weekend ever in Vegas, and I ended up in bed checking my pulse every 15 minutes. I mean, Chris was like, "everything we did really made sense there." Was he talking about us? Am I supposed to want to go back into that hell to save our relationship? No. Hell, no. Do you even want to be in a relationship with Chris? I don't know. I kissed Mike the other day. What? Really? I'm a whore. I'm a confused whore. No one's gonna jump in and disagree? Nice. I get it, okay? It's hard to pick between the nasty taco or the disgusting sausage, but you're gonna have to pick one. You can't eat both, otherwise you get real fat. Taco. Biscuit. Chloe, this is Bliss Edelstine. Fever to 104, and she has just come back a week ago from Amsterdam. Were you following your Bliss? I was studying art history. Uh, headache? No. Cough? I don't think so. All right. Vomiting... Diarrhea, abdominal pain? Ew. Definitely not. No? Okay, fever without a source. Let's round up the usual suspects-- cbc, mono spot, u.a., chest X-ray. You getting all of this, Chloe? Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, can you hold on one second? Just one second. Hey, coach Bigwood. Thank you so much for getting back to me. Yeah. No, the papers are all-- Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't actually write anything down--I'm sorry. Hi... I know you opted for an epidural, but it's not too late for general anesthesia. No, thank you. Well, you're gonna hear everything. I love the sound of bone saws in the morning. It's the sound of victory. You know, if you bring a birth mirror in here from the O.B., I'll talk you through the surgery. Keep yapping, and I'm breaking out the propofol. I'll shut up. You tell me what went wrong with Veronica. Well... Not much to tell, really, between the ptsd and the fact that she just got out of her marriage. The ex-husband's still in the picture. Oh, yeah, he's not going anywhere. Life is so much simpler in a desert tent. Yeah. Okay... Here comes the procaine. You know, uh, the last time I checked, Diane wasn't here. Right. She may be a while. She forgot she had a parent/teacher conference at Ella's school. Oliver's got a big track meet today. They're okay with you going through surgery by yourself? Oh, I'm in good hands. You haven't paralyzed me yet. Hey. I got your message. What's up? I'm gonna get right to it, Nick, 'cause I got to go give a 300-pound man an enema, and that's the super bowl for a nurse. That's why you make more than me. Sonia needs your help. She made a terrible mistake with Paul. She knows this. You know she knows this. So you got to put your ego away and go help our girl. She made a pretty big mistake with his mother too. Yeah, well, now he's stalking her, trying to intimidate her into confessing so he can get his insurance. And she's so freaked out that she's considering doing it. Sonia's got a lot of pride, Nick, maybe too much to let her ask you for help again. Whether you think what she did was right or wrong, you got to go talk to her. Bliss, your tests are normal. Well, that sounds like a good thing. It could be a routine virus. But if it's hiv or hepatitis "b," now, that could be fatal. Hiv? Wait a second. When you were in Amsterdam, did you use street drugs-- needles? No. Unprotected sex? Never anywhere. Are you sure? Yeah, I think I'd remember having unprotected sex or drugs that involve needles. Chloe's gonna take more blood, because endocarditis and hepatitis "b" are pretty serious. And there is no cure for hiv. You okay? No. Why is she being so mean? She's just trying to be thorough. A lot of people don't tell us the truth. You really think I might have something that might kill me? We'll figure it out. Lines are primed. Uh, four hours-- 2.5 "k" bath. Hey. We've got your dialysis started. I'll be back a little later. Thank you, doctor. And thank you for last week. Last week? We met in the cat scan room. You took care of my guy, Francisco, from jail. Right. How is he? Much better. Good. I've got dopamine. I could use some more heparin. Okay. Uh, what happened here, a car crash? No. A couple of guys beat her down with baseball bats, threw her out of a speeding car. What kind of guys? I don't know-- big, mean. How are you feeling? Not so good. The pain gets worse before it gets better. Last potassium, 3.7. Excellent. Any word from Michaela? Yeah, I got a text from her. Her bus just left Toledo. Something going on with my quinton? I can't draw back the venous port. Okay, let's take a look. Blood in her urine-- is that new? Could be myoglobin. There's a little bit of oozing here. Four by four. My nose. Bleeding from every needle stick. Cbc, pt, ptt, fibrinogin... What's happening? It's a complication because of your injury called dic. Your blood's not clotting. Hemoptysis. She needs plasma and platelets now. 100% non-breather. We're gonna have to give you blood transfusions. Call her daughter. She should be on a plane. Now. Veronica. Yeah? Nate's gone. What? He left. After a total knee? How? What'd he do, just limp out? He called a private ambulance. Dispatcher said he went to his home in Larchmont. But he's not answering his phones. Listen, I got to go scrub in for a fem-pop. Can you try to find him? Larchmont, that's in New York- -Westchester. My car's in the shop. Well, here, take mine. Okay. Ask the driver how long until Cleveland. Chest X-ray for et tube placement. You had to intubate? Her oxygen levels were dropping. There's one flight out of Cleveland that could work, but it's 1,500 bucks. I don't know. If she's not here, she'll regret it the rest of her life. Get more ffp from the blood bank. Hey, don't worry about it, sweetie. We're gonna take care of it, okay? Bliss? Are you okay? Cypress star. What year is it? 1890. Hiv and hepatitis-- negative. So it's either meningitis or encephalitis. Hang two grams of ceftriaxone and 750 milligrams of acyclovir. Have you seen this? She mentioned an insect bite. Could be related to her fever. No, if it was mrsa, there would be surrounding cellulitis. But what about a mosquito- dengue, malaria? Those are tropical diseases, Chloe. They are unheard of in Northern Europe, okay? You need to hang the antibiotics, get a head CT, and then set me up for a spinal tap. Hey. What are you doing here? Get your coat. Where we going? To talk to the DA. You talked to Veronica, didn't you? You been sticking to your story? Yes. I-- then you're gonna tell the same lie to the DA you've been telling everyone else. I can't go down there and lie. Paul's got nothing. Nobody can prove a damn thing unless you confess. And you're not gonna do that. You're gonna stick to your story, then we're filing a restraining order. Can you do that? Yeah. 'Cause anyone in my world finds out what I know, I'll never be a cop again. Okay. I can't even-- Oh! Dad! Hi. What are you-- what are you guys doing here? Well, your mom strained a hamstring at spinning class, so she called me to take Jim to the specialist in Morristown. God, what is wrong with her? I don't know, Ronnie. She's your mom. Anyway, someone forgot to send the MRI he had done, so we--we had to come pick it up. How did it go? Well, the doctor needs to see the scan before he decides whether we qualify for the trial. Is this your car? No, dad, this isn't my car. My car is in the shop. So... I got to get to Locust Avenue in Larchmont. Should I take the, um... What--what should I take? What's the matter-- no GPS in this? Come on, Ronnie, I'll take you. How's the, uh... How's the weather up there? It's pretty clear. A little fog now and then. It doesn't take a Navajo code breaker. I know you're talking about me. I'm riding shotgun, Ronnie. You're in the middle. It's all yours, dad. You know, I dated a girl from Larchmont... before your mother-- Theresa O'Keefe. Double-jointed- her father was a carny. She could put her ankles back-- Dad! Dad! Jim! Jim! Whoo! All that friggin' education, and you still haven't learned that you're always gonna lose your shirt? It's obviously not about the money. It's about the feeling. Holy crap, Joe. You are one demented bowl of Wheaties. But you know what I'm talking about. Bring it already. I mean, what? You afraid I'm gonna crack you in the pills or something? Hi. Well, someone grew man shoulders. How you doing, Joe? I'm good. Good. Where you been, Jules? South Beach. Yeah? Mm-hmm. That where you went after-- after you, uh, kicked me to the curb? Yeah. Forgive me, but my old survival instinct kicked in. Oh, God. You're such a drama queen. Anyway, I went down, licked my wounds clean in the sun while I was, uh, taking care of the old man's real estate until the market went belly up, so... It's nice to see you. Nice is nice. Okay, well, Dom wanted to get this to you, so I offered to drop it by. That is wrong on so many levels. Look, Dom loves the dog, so just have it tested. And there's more. You got that right. Let's hope this takes us out of animal kingdom. I thought this paper went away for good. Dom always covers his bases, dummy. I hope you don't regret, you know, working the emergency room that night when I showed up with a broken arm. I mean, what was it that you said? Too much attitude. Right. Not enough underwear. I never regretted it... Until now. Funny. Look, Dom wants you as his bitch, so... You should just roll over. You don't have many moves left. Okay? Ciao. Nate! Hey, you want to help me break in? Not really. I got to make sure he's okay. He'd understand. You sure you want to leave your dad alone in the truck? He tends to wander. Hey, dad, stay in the truck. Do not move. That should work. You know, I did some work on these condos that didn't sell. They're renting them pretty cheap. You might want to take a look. Maybe I like living with my parents. Maybe I like hemorrhoids. I just thought it might be good for you. Hey, do whatever you want. Look, if there's any dogs or alarms, you're running point. When did you turn into such a sissy? Go ahead. Come on. Well, I'll give you five for the execution and a--and a low three for the landing. Nate! What the hell? Nate. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Nate? So when did the chest pains start? I don't know. Maybe an hour ago. Are you kidding? No. Why didn't you call us? I couldn't reach the phone. What's up with the empty house? Diane moved out. I'm sorry. Well, you're not having a heart attack. I'll bet you 20 bucks it's a P.E. Oh, yeah, a pulmonary embolism. It's a known complication of not taking care of yourself after leg surgery. Why did you leave the hospital, Nate? I got way too much to do. If we're gonna get that facility up and open on time, I got personnel issues, supplies, and government permits. I'm the only guy that can pull it off. Really? You're the only guy in the whole world? When I got out, I jumped right back into work. I wish I hadn't. I could have used some more time. I took the family on a vacation... Turks and Caicos. Yeah? You do some parasailing? How'd that go? No parasailing. Diane moved out a week later... when she heard about Afghanistan. And the kids I love them. They're teenagers, though, you know? They don't have time for me. What if you had some time for them? Shooting the angiogram. Big pulmonary embolus, left lung. All right, now bust up the clot with a little tpa. Just a little bit, though. Otherwise his knee's gonna spray like a geyser. Thanks for the warning. The house was empty? Yeah. He said that Diane was gonna come by and visit with the kids. She didn't even know about the surgery. Why would he tell us that? I guess he was embarrassed. This guy's actually a doctor? He was the commander of our combat hospital-- probably the best field surgeon in the army. Well, I'm impressed with his clinical judgment... leaving ama and all. Do you ever shut up? Do you have any idea how many lives this man has saved? Classic. Can fix the world, but he can't fix himself. Sounds familiar. And that is what you call a cure... like nothing ever happened. Your hero can go back to limping on water in no time. Chloe, let's do that spinal tap on Bliss. That may not be necessary. Well, we have to isolate the organism. "Plasmodium falciparum-- present. Parasite density, 6%." How the hell did she get malaria? Her plane out of Amsterdam originated in Cameroon. An infected African mosquito hitched a ride to Europe and took a bite out of Bliss. That's crazy. Yeah. It's called "airport malaria." There's cerebral involvement. She'll need quinidine... Ten per kilo and 0.02 a minute. Yeah. Okay. Hey, at least one of us was thinking like a doctor. Good work. Pushing another amp of atropine. This is Michaela. I'm Dr. Harris. We couldn't control her bleeding after her heart stopped. I know. Angel told me everything. I'm here. Mommy? High dose epi, ten milligrams. For real? We stopped using that years ago. It gets you a pulse, but no one survives. You heard my orders. What are you doing here? I placed her dialysis catheter. I'm invested in the outcome. It's okay to touch her. Can she hear me? It's possible. I don't want you to go. We have to stop soon. Hold compression, but keep bagging. I've got a pulse. Did you fix her? We cannot fix her. It's time to say good-bye. I love you... to the moon and back. Is she gone? I'm sorry for your loss. 8:21 P.M. Thanks for picking me up and going shopping with me. You're welcome. So what does this mean? What does what mean? This-- us fondling tomatoes. It means we both like tomatoes. So you're gonna be a total guy about it, huh? Okay. Right. What are you doing? Reading the paper. What are you doing? You look high. I toss you, am I gonna find a bindle? Go ahead and give it a shot. It's over. You lost. It's time to get a real job and pay your way. You understand me? The world doesn't revolve around her. Sometimes a guy's just reading the paper. Nick! I see you near the hospital, Sonia's apartment, anywhere she might be, I'm gonna build you a box of trouble you won't be able to close. Hey, you pay for that tomato, okay? Mm. Mr. Fattore, sir? All due respect, Dom's out of control. You're referring to the business with his dog. I'm referring to a woman who came into the ER-- Francisco's girlfriend. I stood there while a 14-year-old girl watched her mother die because she happened to be in love with one of Dom's enemies. Watch it. I always have, and I always will. Give me a number. Whatever it is, I'll pay it. You got me out of trouble once, and I'll always be grateful. But I need my freedom. What's it gonna cost me? Let's see. It's hard to put a dollar value on breaking my daughter's heart... and then disappearing evidence that a cardiologist was high on blow, accidentally causing the death of a patient. See if you can try. $750,000. Pop, first of all, mom tells me you're down here with four guys talking about my heart. That's crazy. Second of all, 3/4 of a million dollars because we broke up? I barely remember what happened. I'm serious. Pop, spank him $100, 000 and call it a day. Okay, $100, 000 for your pain, Jules. $900,000 for saving your license. You have a week. I'll tell Dom to back off. Thanks, Jules. I'm sorry. Really? Oh, hey. Hey, I forgot to give you these. Oh. Oh, thanks. The clutch act up? Oh, actually, I didn't end up using the car. I ran into my dad and Mike, so he took me. Oh. Which is probably a good thing, since you don't have GPS. Yeah, you know, you're the master of the wrong turn. Yeah. How is he? You, uh, saved Nate's life. I don't know what you said in the ambulance, but he took it to heart, and he's sticking around for a while. Oh, I'm worried, Chris. About what? It's slow and quiet on this side of the world. Yeah, well, this is real, and that's not. Ha ha! Maybe Veronica was right. When my outside doesn't match my inside, I get squirrelly. I'm afraid if Diane is willing to come back, I'm gonna screw things up again. Yeah, well, you know, you got to take it a day at a time. Diane likes baseball. Take her to a Yankee game. Buy her a hot dog. Hey, Chris. Yeah? Will you do something for me? Anything. I want you to go to Afghanistan and run the hospital. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Hey. Ever heard of airport malaria? Somebody's having a rough day. An interesting day. Ah. "May you live in interesting times." The ancient chinese curse. You're wrong. An English guy made that up in 1936. How do you know that? I gotta take a leak. Pleasure talking to you. Chloe! Hi. Hi? You just destroyed my life! Andy... The coach called me, and I thought he wanted to talk about the new offense. Instead he tells me I'm off the team. Do you have any idea how dangerous it is for you to play? I decide what I do, not you. Even if it can kill you? If you were so damned concerned, why didn't you talk to me? I did. Hey, we're just talking. Stop, both of you! Oh! Aah! Andy! Oh, my God! Andy, are you okay? Andy! Open your eyes. Go. I don't think he's breathing. Calling 911. Yeah, I got a guy here with major head trauma. He's unconscious and not breathing. Serge, I don't know you well, but I know you're a fine man. In ten years, you've always done your job with care, without complaining. Your stats are astounding. Never absent, never sick, never bad-tempered. Our country owes the great quality of our cured meats to you. Today, as you already know, with a heavy heart, it's time for you to leave us for your highly deserved retirement. You may not know it, Serge, and they certainly wouldn't admit it themselves, out of modesty, but it was your co-workers who had the original idea for this farewell party. A surprise! Proof that they're not only co-workers, but also friends. This also explains our leadership in the pork-product industry. Work, yes, but work with friends is much better, believe you me! Anything to add? No. No. Then let the party begin! Can you imagine the daily products showed up five minutes before opening? What a nightmare! Customers bitching because we're stocking the shelves! Of course, the assholes start shopping at nine o'clock sharp! At nine, there's already a line out front! Indeed! And now we're forced to accept any position. I told Blondeau, I'll never work the fish counter! I swear, never! Stinky hands for a week, and who knows what else! - What's that? - A puzzle. Duh. I can see that! Where from? A retirement gift. I'll say! Far better than a microwave or flat screen. Did they hold back their tears? We've been buddies for ten years. Take a look. 36... by 27 inches. 36 inches... Yeah, for sure, you made some real close ties! So now you'll be at home all day, what do you plan to do? I dunno. You sure have a lot to do! I'll say... 2,000 pieces... How many times have I told you not to drink after five o'clock? You're gonna wake me up pissing all night. Your prostate is a mess and you go on and on... Lift the seat! That's good stuff, that is. I should know, it was my job. Yep. Real nice skin colour, pink to purple... Good texture, marbled, water marinated... Must be smoked, applewood or hickory, isn't that right? Damned if I know! I don't have a PhD in ham. You got a lot free time, huh? Not at all, I've got tons to do. Thought you might take some pride in your work. Pride? At minimum wage? You know where to stick it. How about being polite? I am polite. Fuck you. What? Asshole! When you get a chance to work in ham, take some interest in your job. I'd kick your puny apathetic ass, if it weren't for my wife... - Your wife? You've got a wife? - What? As ugly as you are? A wife? Who is she? - Try coming this side of the counter. - Fuckass! - I'm gonna fuck you and your cap up! - Fuckass! - Huh? - You're the fat fuckass! Easy to say behind your counter! Lucky for you, sucker. Get the fuck out of here! - Fucking loser! - Asshole! Huh? My hair? Your sad-ass cap! - There's your wife! - You fucking with me? You can't come here. I can't check out family members. You know that. You want me to get fired? And you wreak havoc in the store! You call the retirement fund? Uh, yeah, but... They're not open today, because of the... Don't worry, I'll call as soon as I get home. And the door? I did the door. Yeah. - The door? - Yeah. What a bitch! The handle... The manager gave me a warning. They stuck me at the fish counter for a week! You screwed up the shopping. I said sweet butter and you got salted! The writing on the package was too small. Yeah, well, you got the right ice cream. Day one of retirement, and it's anarchy! You screwed up the shopping, you screwed up the phone call and the handiwork... Pull yourself together, Serge. I can't take my work any more. I show up with the shakes. I'm this far from going from homeopathy to tranquillisers. You've gotta move on. What happens when I crack? We've got three outstanding loans. We've gotta get money. Money's gotta come in... Fast! These meds are awesome! All sorts! But eat early, because they gave me palpitations at night. Did you keep all your pay slips? My wife says I'm missing a few. Okay. - Do you remember the companies? - Fortunately. A memory like an elephant! Sorry to say this, sir, but you've got something, there. It's humungous. You've gotta get rid of it. - There. - Here? - There! - Where? Here? There! There! - Where? Here! - Right there! Wow. - Is that blood? - Yeah, well. I worked in the slaughterhouse. Well, then. You have to find these companies. And if they no longer exist, find the people you worked with and have them write you an affidavit. Then, go see the complementary retirement funds, ARRCO, AGIRC, GREGRIC, if you paid your dues. Get all that together and bring it back to me, understood? Yes. Too bad my wife's not here, but okay... it's simple. You need ten affidavits from these jobs you say here. So you go get them, and we'll be all right. You know I don't like to drive. Anyway, the windshield isn't fixed. You're gonna get that heap of junk from the garage and go get those papers. Yeah... I don't think I'm up to riding. Serge, this is for real. A motorbike's just like a bike. You don't forget. Got your bag? The envelope with money? Yeah, it's all in my pocket. Okay. Now go. Don't worry, I won't ride fast. Roll like a retiree! And don't use up all the credit on my phone! Don't worry. Watch out, man. 40% of retirees don't reach 65. And you want your affidavit? Either that or I have to buy back trimesters. Buy back? Yeah, see, if I buy trimesters, if I buy them back, I can add them to time already worked... And then... I get full benefits. So that's why I have to buy them back. Anybody wanna buy some trimesters? All right, help me get him out and I'll get your paper. We're in the hole, in the hole, in the hole! We're deep in the hole with mad fools! We'll be covered with mud, mud, mud! Closer to carrots than potatoes! We'll go to Jane's, Jane's, Jane's! We'll go to Jane's, Jane's... Easy now! We'll drink to glory, glory, glory! We'll drink to the glory of veterans! Just called to say everything's all right. Just... called to say it's me. It was me. Everything's good. Hey, little baby, it's Daddy. Yes, my little one, yes, yes... You know I love you, little darling. And so am I... I'll be so happy too. Sweet honey bunch, soon. Evening. On the menu tonight we have a celery remoulade and cod brandade. - That's fine. - What would you like to drink? Same as these other gentlemen. - Saumur Champigny... - I like Saumur Champigny. - Nice choice. - Thanks. Yes, my baby... Yes, my darling... Of course, you know I'll come back. - It's kind of cold... - I always come back! For August, I mean... Daddy says he'll be there. I swear I'll be there. Yes, darling. Yes, my baby. Yes, my baby. Yes, I love you. Yes... Don't exaggerate! You know I have to work. You know I've got to! My work is selling house fences. I've got to. How else would you eat your Frenchie fries? And fish sticks? Yes, my baby. So now you understand, don't you? I promise you, darling. Yes, dear, yes. I swear I'll be there, my baby. Yes, I'll be there. I swear I'll be there. No, it's a crouton. Yes, dear... Kisses. Kiss, kiss, baby... What's the matter, sir? A little problem? - It's nothing. - Sure? It's my baby... - What's the matter? - My baby... - You okay? - Yeah. - Sure? - Yeah, I'm sure. Hello! You okay or what? Yes. I'm looking for the boss. He's not here, went to Morocco for two weeks. What you want? I was security here in '77. I need a pay slip for my retirement. - Security? - Yeah. Retirement for security? That's a new one! I've been a doorman for four years and I get paid under the table. I wouldn't mind a little whisky... Yes, sir, a single? A double? How's the retirement? Your grandkids growing up well? Say, didn't we meet on a cruise last summer? Yeah, I was doing personal care work. I wiped your wife's ass. Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out! All right, I'll come back in two weeks. You do that. Two old fucks like you should work it out. - Yeah. - Get the fuck out. - In two weeks... - Right. Hard times... Yeah, times are hard. Now get lost! Virginia, fire them all. Only trainees from now on. Here's my card, let's talk soon! Yes, it's to say that... To say that all's right. I got about two of the papers. Routine, you know. Are there bones in that? There might be, it's called a fish! Is it wild or farmed? It's wild, as it's written. What kind of fish is it? Dolphin. Mammuth, you're a good guy, but retirement, you know that's not part of our game, don't you? Can you imagine the size of retirement mobile homes? But I need that paper. You owe me at least that... What do I owe you, Mammuth? Nothing. We paid you, we're not gonna pay you twice! And as for the administration, I don't exist. I don't leave a trail! What would happen then? You pay taxes and even more taxes. Then what? Why not electric bills while we're at it? Stay as you are. They're the jerks, it's shameful. Don't let them get to you. I love you. Too late! - What time? - Five o'clock. I've been here since four. Your buddy here cleaned up! I got some mean thinking going on. Let me tell you, in professional prospecting, it's all about method. Method. Have you noticed that nobody puts their towel down where you go? Would you sunbathe near a trash can? No! I'll give you a hint, buddy. You see, there's an imaginary line from there to there. It's the doughnut vendor's path. That's right! People get up and go to the vendor, they buy their doughnut and pay. Sometimes they pay and drop coins. So as soon as I get here, I follow that imaginary line! Fifty ten-cent coins! Not to mention the twenties. Because I got me a method. Method. I don't like you. Yes? Hello? May I help you, sir? Yes, I see you've changed names but I worked here from '73 to '75. Serge Pilardosse. I was at the ribbed roller, then at the grinder, and the last month I was a miller's apprentice. I don't understand what you're telling me. Why not? This isn't Notre-Calvé any more? No, sir. You're at Funny Rabbit. We specialise in 3D storyboards. Huh? You mean the grindstone is gone? I can't believe it. The turbine weighed twelve tons. Sorry, sir, I don't know what you're talking about. But isn't there a manager who kept the work papers? No, sir, everything is computerised. That's quite enough, sir. I need those papers... Hello... Take a look in the cellar or the silo, that's where they put the papers. I have work to do, sir. I advise you to go to our site. - Goodbye, sir. - The site? But I'm at the site! Hello! - So I want my papers! - Calm down, sir. They're at the archdiocese in La Rochelle. Problem is, they're on vacation until the end of August. I don't care, I'll wait. I want my papers. I want my papers! Not bad, huh? What did you have? I got the special, six euros. Sausage and lentils and this carrot here... Funny, I got the same thing. Anyway, that's all they had. But, frankly, it was delicious. I thought so too. Yeah. We're well off in France. Yes, we are. You know, you can ask me what I've got. Everybody wants to know why. Doesn't bother me. I got in a motorcycle accident. Well, here's my room. Good night, sir. Good night. I saw a bike outside. Is it yours? Yeah, a Munch Mammut, 1973. I had a Honda 2000. Would you mind talking bikes a bit? It's my 17th operation tomorrow. I'm a bit scared. It's relaxing being with you. If you knew all I've been through over the years. I can imagine. The doctors thought I was screwed. But I always knew I'd make it. I have to pee. Can you carry me? This is such a pain. In my situation, it's not easy. Thanks... Thank you. Wait, can you stay? In case I faint... I know you're here. Sure, of course. Thanks. That feels good. Thank God my pelvis wasn't hurt at all. See, the perineum is intact. Now I squeeze... I relax... Now I squeeze... I relax... How lovely. Now I squeeze... I relax. I squeeze... I relax. Come on, take me! It's a pleasure to meet kind people like you. No! Shit! What an ass! What a fucking ass! Damn it! Sorry, no retirement for us! Fuck! My phone! I love you. So do I. I never thought a girl like you... That I'd go out with a girl like you. How am I so special? - You're beautiful. - Stop it. You're to die for. This is the first time I kissed a girl. You're the first... the first girl I've dated. I'm very lucky. That's why I liked you. My parents can't see me. I said I was studying with a friend. You wanna take me for a ride? You wanna come to my house? My parents are eating out tonight. Okay. Ride fast! Like the wind! Jean-Luc! Jean-Luc! Hello, mister burglar. Jean-Luc's not here? No, he's on his honeymoon. He got married... at 65? Yeah, with a French-Russian supermodel. When's he back? He didn't say. - May I address you formally? - Uh... Sure. You have an exquisite nose. Like noses that smell truffles. What's your name? I'm Miss Ming, Jean-Luc's daughter. Solange! I remember... I saw you when you were a little girl. I'm Serge. Jean-Luc is my brother. I mean, I'm your uncle! You see? I dunno, he never mentioned you. Well... We got in a fight over some stupid inheritance thing. I dunno who was more of an ass, but... We lost sight of each other... You've grown up! - That's silly. - Yeah, it is. Oh yeah! Is cousin Pierre still around? Yeah. Doesn't he live nearby? Usually, he's still there. All right. Hey, Serge! Hey, cousin! How long has it been? Since Uncle Benedict's burial. That's it! At least twenty years ago! You haven't changed a bit... - Come on in. - Okay. I gotta say... Not so brilliant. Yeah. But it's been 45 years! Phew... I gotta go. Nice to get together again, huh? Star key. Repeat please. Star key. Repeat please. Star key! Choose a service. Collective Labour. Edict-in-progress. Labour Relations. Labour Relations. I did not understand. Labour Relations! I did not understand. Labour Relations! La-bour Relations! Labour Relations Service. Your name please. Pilardosse. Repeat please. Pi-lar-dosse! I did not understand. Repeat please. Pi-lar-dosse! I've been retired for a week. But I'm missing one or two work papers from... Particularly from Graingrain. And then they came... Affidavits, you know... Or two. Hey, Pilardosse! What fair wind brings you here? That's just it. Graingrain. Does it still exist? Because I can't find it. Where is it? On the desk... I had... - I had... - Huh? A big dictionary... My hip hurts! L... I did not understand. Repeat please! L... - P... I... L... Next letter. - A. - P... I... L... A... Next letter. - R. - P... I... L... L... - No, A! - P... I... L... A... - R. I did not understand. Repeat please! R. I did not understand. Repeat please! R. - P... I... L... A... R. Next letter. - D. P... I... L... A... R... D. Next letter. OS. P... I... L... A... R... D... OS. Are you there? May I come with you? Is it cold or hot? Cold. Eh? Though it looks like she broke it off after Makoto's suicide attempt. Mitsuru's top of his class, and doesn't care about anything but himself. He mocks his brother for not being as smart as him. And recently they've barely spoken at all. What's wrong? Oh, what about his grandmother? She passed away from illness last year. She got along well with Makoto but not so well with his mother. His grandfather died when he was still young. As for the cause of his suicide... Today is the 20th of October. He killed himself on the 11th. And he made his decision to do so on the 10th. Why the tenth, I hear you ask? In the trail of misfortune that is Makoto's life, that was the worst day of all! So...you want to hear more? You're having fun, huh? You think? Are you sure you're an angel and not...? I don't recall ever saying one word about being an angel. Does it really matter either way? Your situation's about the same right now no matter what I am. Makoto...? Mmm, smells good! Did you use different beans this time? You can tell? Yep, I bought some pretty expensive ones. From where? Hawaii. Kona. Hmm... Here you go, Mitsuru. She...had an affair, didn't she? And he...doesn't seem to know... Makoto? Here's your toast. What is it? Do you want jam or something? What's wrong with him? Forget about it. He's always like that. Guess he deleted everything in preparation, huh...? Ah! Hiroka... Kuwabara...? On October 10th, on his way home from cram school he saw her. Hiroko Kuwabara, a junior in his school... And the person he most admired in the whole world. She was going into a love hotel in Futagotamagawa with a middle-aged man. He was so shocked that he stood there a moment. Only to see another familiar figure emerge from the hotel. His mother, accompanied by the teacher from her flamenco class. Can't blame him for getting quite a shock. And...well there was a bunch of other stuff and eventually he chose to end his life. Why'd I end up as a guy like him? What'd I do? Ahahaha... We'll leave it here for today. Huh? You're my guide, aren't you? Don't you have any advice for me? Hey, Parapara! The name's Purapura! Not Parapara, Perapera Puripuri or Poroporo! Don't go forgetting it again! Got it... What's wrong, Makoto? You hardly ate at lunchtime either... Do you not like it? Should I have made something different? I hardly left my room for a couple of days after that. Aaaaaaah! Huh? So dogs can see you just fine, huh? Some of them. Some humans can too. Really? What do you do when they see you? Dispose of them. Wha...? Just kidding! I just pretend I don't notice and walk on. So, how're you getting on? Terrible. Thanks to a certain someone. At least try and eat your meals. Your mum puts her heart and soul into them. Huh? You've been watching? Sometimes. You can't forgive her? It's not that. She's not even my mother. But when the more she tries to act all caring and motherly... The more it pisses me off. My, isn't someone's heart made of glass... Ah, hey! Cut it out! Cut it out! Ah! Hey, the heck was that for! ? If my heart was made of glass, it was broken to pieces years ago. What about friends? Huh? Me...? I don't really have any... I'm talking about Makoto. Ah! Well, he... You'd think at least one would come visit him. His homeroom teacher doesn't know he tried to kill himself, right...? Then... He doesn't have any friends. Ah! You were just having a stroll? Good, good... It's nice that you're starting to feel like going outside... Better than being cooped up in the house all the time! But could you maybe tell me when you're heading out in fu... I'm going back to school tomorrow. Huh? Hey, I hope you're paying attention to where we're going. From tomorrow on, I expect you to walk here on your own. Right! Burning it into my brain as we speak! Jeez, you're not like Makoto at all... That's probably 'cause a certain someone didn't tell me anything about him. You blockhead, why not try thinking for a change? Use your damn brain! It's not my brain! It's not like I can help it if he's an idiot. So you admit that you're a moron, then. Shut up... How'd you get off acting all high and mighty, anyway? I may not know much about you, but it's obvious you're just some lackey... A lackey? That's rich coming from some failure of a soul. Someone's cheered up! Good for you! Shut it! Neener neener! Aaaaargh! What is it? Shh! Huh? Time to man up. No more crying like a little brat. Good morning! I didn't really care about school. It was Makoto's life. And it's not like I came back to Earth by choice. You little punk, I'll kill ya! I just figured it'd be better than having to spend the whole day in that house. Hey, who's that? Beats me. I thought he died. Don't say stuff like that. The third seat from the window seat at the back. Ah! Hahaha! Go! Um...um... Jeez, what a weirdo. Still, guess she'll do. U...umm... Tch... What the hell? Well, never talking to you again. Loser! Morning! Good morning! Hmm... Oh, Makoto! Feeling better? Yes, I'm okay! Thank you for your concern. Everything's much better now! Wha...? Glad to hear it. I'll do my best to catch up on the work I've missed. Jeez, just how much of a jerk was he...? Hello. That's the club president. Hey. Makoto's unfinished work is here. And his seat is there. Woah... Think you can finish it? Me...? Makoto! You're okay! Hiroka... What happened? Were you ill? Ah...yeah... Are you okay? You had me worried. Yep, I'm fine. Good to hear it. Here you go. Thanks. Is she really selling her body? Ah! I love this picture. Really? The blue of the sky is amazing. The sky? I don't think that's the sky... Eep... A horse that can fly... A horse that can fly would be awesome too, but... When I look at this, I always s...see... A horse swimming in the ocean. T...that's what I see... It's at the bottom of the deep, silent ocean, aiming for the surface... T...that's why the top of the picture is a bit... B...brighter... Hey, you might be right. U...um... Yeah, got to be. U...um... I think this just comes down to individual interpretation, so... Ah! Ah... Mao! Howdy! U...um... Was my interpretation w...wrong? She kinda pisses me off. Um...did you go to some sort of counselling? Huh? You just...seem a little different, so... I thought maybe... You went to some sort of counselling seminar... Am I right? Am I... Am I right? Dead wrong. But...there's definitely something different. Completely different. I just...think you were better before. That's all. Huh? She's from the Art Club too? Her name is Shouko Sano. It seems you've aroused suspicion, my lord. Though from a quarter we didn't expect. A person not even listed in the guidebook. Makoto, Mr. Sawada was really surprised with you today. Said you were like an all new person. U...um... It had been a while since you went to school so we asked him to keep an eye on you. He was telling me on the phone how cheerful you were. He said it gave your classmates quite a shock too. That you seemed to have gotten much stronger. He was told me how you've become so much more optimistic. I was really happy to hear it. Me too. It's okay to take it a little bit at a time 'til you're all better. Don't pay attention to those around you. Well, either way you've only got half a year left. Once you graduate you'll be a grown up just like me. And who said you're a grown up, Dear? Hahaha... Jeez, the laughs never stop with these two... Ah, I'll bring you up an apple later. I don't like having to spring this on you right after you've come back, but... You're a third year now. Yeah... At this rate, you're not going to get into a decent high school. Right... Your grades are the 32nd lowest in the class. Okay... There are only 32 people IN the class! Wow, that's awful! Damn right it... Ah, was this the cause...? Huh? Oh, you mean me trying to kill myself? H...hey, shut up! Don't just blurt it out like that. My grades had nothing to do with it. Right, right, okay... Ah...? Jeez, this Mr. Sawada sure is high-strung. It's not that there aren't any schools that have accepted you... But you're looking at the lowest ranked private school... Then let's go with that. I choose that school. W...w...wait! At least talk it through with your parents, okay? Okay. You're pretty cool about all this, huh? I am? Uh... Later. Why aren't you drawing? Why? What's it to you? No, there's definitely something up... If it wasn't counselling, then hypnotherapy? Right? Am I right? I'm right, aren't I? So...you're telling me you went swimming with dolphins...? Or...bungee jumping? Or...surely not a n...n...near death experience? An out of body experience! ? That's right. N...n...no way, I don't believe it. Why does she bother me whenever I come here? Oh! Maybe she doesn't want the class to see her being nice to me? If they see her being nice to Makoto, the class reject they might start ignoring her too. What do you want? Get outta here already. B...but...but... There's something wrong with you... Looking good, Mao! Dontcha think you should make this bit flashier? But that'll be deviating too much from the real thing. That's your right as an artist. Nice justification. Just telling you what you want to hear. You should use cuter colours! Look, you've got all these pretty ones! I started going to the art room every day. To escape from the boredom at home. And to meet Hiroka, from time to time. She wasn't a member of the club, but she came by a lot. Shouko's nagging got on my nerves, but... Putting that aside, the room was the one place I could relax. Will you get there in time? Yeah, just about. Ah, your brother's in a hurry so he's already started eating. He's got special supplementary lessons at cram school. Sure is tough, huh...? Can't be helped. The whole country's got mock exams coming up. Let's tuck in. Thanks for the meal. I'm out. Take care. Your father got stuck with overtime tonight. You should cut open your hamburger. I put ketchup through it. I figured Makkun... Sorry, I didn't mean to call you that... I figured you always liked ketchup, so... 'Makkun'... Ah, I got a call from Mr. Sawada today. He told me I should talk to you about your choice of high school. The lowest ranked private school will do. Mm...well if that's what you think... But maybe there are other options? There are a lot of private schools out there, after all. You don't need to worry about the money, either. Your father and I... Want to be sure you're going somewhere you really want to go. I'm sure if you look, you'll find somewhere that suits you... Do you want some more ketchup for it? Hey! Sitting next to you eating like this I feel like I want to throw up. Do you get joy out of tormenting your mum? Can't a sinful soul get a little privacy...? You don't get this at all... This is all part of your training! You're polishing your soul to a shine so that you can have a chance to live again. I'll bet you're not even trying to remember what you did in your old life. I've tried! Tons of times! I've been sentenced to this hell. I must've done something REALLY bad, right? I might've killed someone. I might've ripped off a bunch of people and made off with a ton of cash. You think it's fun thinking about stuff like that? It depresses the heck out of me. So you're telling me you'd rather go back and disappear altogether? Ahaha... Living can be pretty fun, right? Anyway, it's natural to feel lost at times during your training. Maybe you should try just enjoying yourself a little more? Is there a time limit? Half a year tops. Sounds like you just made that up on the spot. What do you know? Later. Morning! Ah! Yo! Awesome! Lookin' good, Makoto! Catch you later! Score. Hey, you bought those? Awesome... They're way expensive, huh? Where'd you buy them? Uh...on the net... Man, so cool... I'm jealous. Thanks! You haven't painted a dot, huh? I feel kinda calm just sitting in front of it. Huh? But you're the one who painted it. Weirdo. Y...yeah... That haircut doesn't suit you. It's not like Makoto at all... No, not at all... It's none of your business! N...no, there's definitely something weird... Doesn't suit you at all... Can you buy these at convenience stores? Yeah, but they only sell the salted cow's tongue flavour at a candy store called 'Secret' in Nikotama. Really? It's like Purapura said. I shouldn't stress out over trying to be Makoto. I should just enjoy the time I have here. Oh yeah, let's get a snap of your new look. Huh? Right, make a stupid face! A...stupid face? Uh... Haha...not bad... That's awesome, Makoto. I'm not just messing around here. I know, but... You'll need to talk to your father too. Welcome home. I will, but don't expect my feelings to change. Your brother's decided to change his first choice to medicine. His scores in the mockups were really good. And his homeroom teacher seemed to think he could do it. - Yo! - Huh? Hey Makoto, whatcha up to? Uh...n...nothing... Did you forget your umbrella? Where you headed? You can share mine if you like. N...no, it's fine. Later. Jeez, what's with him...? - Hey, hurry up! - Shut up! Then I'll go. I've got a good feeling about this next one. Fine, I'm going, I'm going! Hey, what's this shop called? That's secret. Secret! Secret! Ah! Let's try this one instead. Just pick one already. Damn, not this one again... If you don't need it, give it to me. - No way! - Hey, no fair! Hiroka came here... She bought some stuff, and then went home. Back when Makoto saw her here, I'll bet she just came to buy sweets too. The middle-aged man she was with will've just been her dad or something. He was shopping at Takashimaya and took a short cut through here. He was just wandering past that love hotel on his wy home. What a moron... It's not like it's hard to tell the difference between her father and...another man... Ah... Huh? Wha...! ? I'm burning up here. Gotta take something off. Ah... You're pretty bold when you wanna be, huh Makoto? What was with that old creep? Just one of my fans. He started chatting me up after seeing my mobile phone profile and when we met he didn't seem so bad. Things were going pretty well... But that's...! Everything I want is really expensive... Clothes...bags...acessories... My pocket money can't cover it. Can't you wait 'til you're an adult? I want it now! While it still looks good on me. I've only got to do this like three times to buy stuff. I've got to go. He'll be waiting for me. Then...are you going to come to the hotel with me? Eh? I don't mind. Huh? If it's you, I'll even do it twice. Forget it. I see... I had fun running in the rain with you there. See you later. Yeah, I'll talk to him again... Ah, here he is at last. Okay. Makoto, can I ta... Huh? Where's your umbrella...? Wait, I'll get you a towel! What're you doing? You could've bought an umbrella at a store... Leave the damn light off! Here, use this... I'll leave it here. Didn't you have something to talk to me about? It's fine. We'll talk later. What is it? Spit it out. I just got a call from Mr. Sawada... And he said that at next month's parent-teacher meetings the students would be deciding their final choices for schools. I told you the damn lowest ranked school is fine. I don't have any grades. I spent too long away after trying to kill myself. I...it's just that... I'm worried about that, so... You can drop this whole mother act. Huh? You've got this loving mother thing pretty well practiced, huh? Practiced...? Let me ask you something. Stop it! How's your flamenco teacher? Purapura...? Gimme your damn wallet! I don't have it... Don't gimme that shit! Hmm... He ain't got a thing. Ugh... Guess we'll take these fancy shoes instead. N...no! Hey... Tch... Makoto! Makoto! Ow... Are you awake? How do you feel? Does it hurt? You've been sleeping for nearly half a day. Since you got back from the emergency ward. Apparently you were attacked by some bad kids. Mitsuru found you at a shrine. Are you hungry? I can make you some rice porridge. So you're just going to pretend nothing happened. Don't you have anything else to say to me? I'm sorry... I slept like a stone for three days after that... Makoto...? A friend's come to check up on you. Go on. Ah... Oh...it's you... Can I come in? Come on then. This is for you. Thanks. U...um... H...ho...how are you? Mostly better, if that's what you mean. Think I should be back in school next week. I see...good... Hey, is it okay for you to come see me like this? If the class finds out you'll be in for it, right? Huh? What do you mean? Aren't you...? I don't care what they think. Ah... You I... like Hiroka, don't you? So what if I do? Did something happen between you guys? Some people said they saw you together in Nikotama... Umm...not that that's a bad thing... Well...umm...there are lots of b...bad rumours about her, but... I t...think she's quite nice, so... And even if the rumours were true, I wouldn't just start hating her... So...if she's the reason you've c...changed... I won't p...pester you to go back to the way you were. I'll leave you alone. Y...yeah... Can you tell me HOW I've changed? What'd I used to be like? You always looked very closely at things... You were pure...and honest... And you took on all the sadness in the world. There isn't a middle schooler in the world who's like that. Look at this. Even pure, sweet little Makoto has the same basic human desires. Hey, when you take off your glasses you're even uglier than ever. N...no! Makoto, I've got some tea for you. Hey, don't forget your glasses. What happened? Wait! What'd he do to you? Did he do something horrible? I...it's fine... I told you to enjoy yourself, but you're just being an idiot. So you disappear for all that time and then pop up again just to lecture me? Why don't you try actually acting like a guide for a change? If I just tell you what to do, it's not a test. Hey, I've been wanting to ask you for a while, but... What'll happen to Makoto? What'll happen to his body if I fail, and my soul goes back to where it belongs? The moment your soul fades into nothingness he'll die. This time for real. Aren't you gonna go home? I don't want to be in that house. You should talk to your mum. You're not being fair to her. It's too late. You humans all make mistakes. Heck you made some big ones in your past life. Makoto's done for. I'm not going to succeed. Huh...? Him again... Hey! Oh! Makoto! Whatcha looking for? Your ticket? Yep. Lost it somewhere. It's stuck in the pages of that book. Aha! Jeez... They really did a number on you, huh? Didn't believe it when Mr. Sawada told us... - Are you okay? - Y...yeah, I guess. Whatcha up to today? Huh? Just wandering, I guess... Can I take you somewhere, then? Huh? Do you know about this? The Tama Line? I only heard about it recently myself. The Tama Line. A tram that ran from Shibuya to Futagotama It was shut down in 1969, but... But look! You know the Setagaya Line? The one that runs from Sangenjaya to Shimotakaido? That line was a branch line salvaged from the old Tama Line. Cool, huh? Wouldn't it be nice to have rode it? Huh? Yeah, I guess...? My dad said he rode it when he was a kid. So jealous... You like trains and stuff? Not really. Just got interested in 'em after hearing about this. Or rather, researching this was a good way to escape from exams for a bit. What I find most interesting is... This branch line from the Tama Line called the Kinuta Line. I kind of wanted to follow where that line used to run on foot. When I met you around here a while back... Y...yeah...? I was gonna walk it then, but... I gave up when the rain started. I was actually supposed to be going to my cram school, near the station. But I cut class. The next station is this way. It's not far. Don't you have cram school today? Got a test. Don't feel like going. Have you decided what school you're aiming for? Not yet. I'm pretty dumb, so I don't even know if I can find a place that'll take me. Ah, me too. Really? Ah, this road is where the Kinuta Line used to run. Huh... It'd leave the station, and make a big turn down here. Cool, huh? This is where the first Nakakouchi Station was. Hmm...it's pretty close... You could just as easily walk, couldn't you? This line was kind of a blessing for tired legs, huh? It's a tiny station... Was there only a platform on one side of the train? Yep. It was a single line. It's kind of exciting, isn't it? Table tennis, huh? Yep. Up until just before the summer holidays I lived and breathed it. Was only a sub for the team, though. Thanks to all that practice, I ended up with the 31st lowest grades in a class of 32. Woah, that's pretty bad... Not that I can talk. I'm number 32. You're kidding me? Nope. Ahaha... In a way, we're kind of awesome, huh? Probably shouldn't be messing around like this, to be honest. Well, not like we can get much worse anyway. C'mon! Right! Woah... This has gotta be a rail from the Kinuta Line... Cool... It's become part of the pattern on the pavement. Woah, this is great... Makoto, there's a neat photo here. The second Yoshizawa Station would've been there. It's pretty nice. I know, right? Shame it doesn't run anymore. You're into old stuff like this? Don't you feel like when you take an interest in all this it comes alive again, just a little? Is that so...? Or so I'd like to say. My biggest reason is just that I can't be assed studying. Ahahaha... Last stop next. Kinutahonmura. Huh? The last stop already? It's so short... Just beyond this park. Wow... This was the final stop. Kinutahonmura. I see... Sorry for dragging you all this way with me. N...nah, it was pretty interesting. Though I didn't think it'd be at first. His name's Saotome. Doesn't exactly suit him, huh? Hahaha... After talking to you today I kinda want to ride the Kinuta Line. Huh? Really? Yep. Totally! It's just your regular park, huh? They could've put up some kind of memorial. Yeah... Crap... So your trainers got stolen? That one must've hurt... Yep. More than the bruises and the cuts. I kind of feel like I'm not cut out for this era. Was probably fate that I'd just lose a pair of fancy new shoes like them. Whaddaya mean? What era are you cut out for, then? Hmm...the Joumon Era? That far back, huh? You think someone from the Joumon Era would burst into tears 'cause they lost a pair of trainers? Shut it. It's just the same as a Joumon person crying 'cause they lost their Haniwa. A stylish, designer Haniwa. Haniwa are from the Kofun Era. They didn't have them yet in Joumon. Oh yeah. I'd expect no less from Number 31. Ahaha... I've no idea if I'm cut out for it or not, but I like this era. Even if there's tons of bad stuff about it, I'll always pick now. Would've been nice to ride the Tama Line, though. Going to change your mind? Ahaha... Do you know a shoe store called Gomensourou? Nope... It's a total hidden gem. They have like an 80% discount too. Really? Wanna go together sometime? Sure. What the...? Jeez... What the heck happened...? Yo! Yo! Wha...? True unhappiness is in things like not having someone who'll say hi to you or being all on your own on your vacation, or when you're moving. Just having someone who'll walk alongside you can be enough to make your heart swell with joy. To the point where you don't even care about anything else. I can't get up in the morning at all recently. Only just got in on time today. He was glaring right at you. Really? Definitely a hidden gem. Makoto, there's a special rule you have to follow when you come here. Gomen sourou! Hahaha... Ahahahaha...! Damn you! Sorry, sorry... Come in! Why don't you try them on? Awesome... Can't believe they were 40% off. So cool... These were a thousand yen cheaper than when I last came, too. Gomensourou... Nice find. Told you so. You'd never think we were sitting exams, huh? Man... My dad told me a while back that I gotta go to a public school. We don't have much money, and I've got a little brother and sister. I see... But to be honest... I'm kind of thinking East Tamagawa High School might be good anyway. Their table tennis team is awesome. Though I'm not sure my GPA is up to it... I asked Mr. Sawada about it, and he said I'd have to pull off a miracle. Hey, want one? A thank you for today. Ah, thanks! I'll just take the small half... Thanks... Ah, that's really good! The chicken's great too. I wonder if I should try for Tamagawa East too...? What do you think? Really? Yeah. That'd be awesome. Definitely. I wasn't in a very good position to begin with... And now it's probably way too late, but... Not at all. Let's study for it together. If you're going at it with me, I'm sure I can do it. Me too. You're a man of simple tastes, huh? Getting all fired up over a meat bun. Laugh all you want. You want to go to the same school as him that badly? But by the time you get there, it'll already be... Why did I...? Fishing? Yeah, we'll go for half a day. It'll pick up your spirits. And if you're not that interested you can just sketch while I fish, right? Your mother bought you this. She didn't want you to be cold. Look. Your mother sure has good taste, huh? Right? It's nice, isn't it? Try it on. They said if you didn't like the colour, you could change it. Huh? The colour looks fine to me. Right? Why did I...? Huh? Why did I... Can you fish here? That's not the most important thing. The most important thing is having a place where I can relax with just my rod and my line. That's what fishing is to me. Hey... You'll be cold like that. Want to wear this? It's fine. Then how about a scarf? I said it's fine. Woah... That's not half bad. Can you draw me next? I don't draw people. Why? I hate people. Well...most of them... Hm, is that so? I hate people too. Let's have lunch. Hey! What? Did you catch anything? Not a thing. Did he...know all along? About Mum's... Your mother made that specially. Why not have just a little? She can't take much more of this, you know. She's shocked enough that you used her medicine to try and kill yourself. And there was all that stuff with your grandmother... It's a lot to take on board. Your mother and your grandmother never saw eye to eye, but... When her grandmother was hospitalised your mother did her all to look after her. But in the end she died without saying one word of thanks to your mother. It hurts to be so brutally rejected. It's my fault too. I didn't support her like I should have. She told me that she couldn't sleep at night but I had no idea she had been seeing a doctor about it. When you took those pills, it was the first I had heard of your mother taking them. I'm not asking you to start loving her again straight away. But at least believe this: Both your mother and I are absolutely thrilled that you're still here today. Makoto's family mean nothing to me but he means everything to them. No matter how they feel though, nothing will change. Next time...they're going to lose their son for good. Wanna grab a bite to eat? I'm fine... Here you go... Thanks. Have this too. Thanks... I ended up eating most of his as well as mine. Thanks... I ended up eating most of his as well as mine. Parents attending the parent-teacher meetings should head around to the staff entrance. Oh yeah, the interviews are today... My parents have agreed to Tamagawa East, but... Mr. Sawada's gonna take some convincing. How 'bout you? I haven't told them yet. Shouldn't you tell them soon? Yeah... Shouko, you've got an interview today too, right? Y...yes... Have you decided on your school? Um...mostly... I'm heading off... Hey, isn't that your mum? Huh? Oh yeah, you're right. How'd you recognise her? Well... Ah! We look so alike, huh? Man, what a drag... I'd better head, anyway. Ahaha... Go ahead. You can have that picture. So do whatever you want with it. I... I'm screwed up... I've completely lost it... I love pretty things... I absolutely love them... But sometimes I just want to smash them up. I'm messed in the head... I'm completely screwed up... Everyone gets like that sometimes. It's not just you. Huh? This world and that world... People and angels... We're all beautiful screwups. It's natural to think crazy thoughts and do stupid things. It's not just me who's sometimes cruel for no reason...? Everyone's like that... Everyone... People don't just have one shade. We have all sorts of different colours. And it's fine to have them. Pretty colours... Disgusting colours... Really? Really. I'm no exception. I spent so long worrying about which one was really me. Every three days I want to smash something up and then about once a week I'll feel like running off and joining a convent. Sometimes I want to live a long, luxurious life, and sometimes I just want to die. That...really isn't weird? Nope. Heck I'd say people like you are in the majority. But... Don't ever wish you were dead. I won't. There's something we need to talk about before dinner. Come down. Is it about schools? I said come! What's it to you? Why not focus on your own damn exams? I'm not sitting them. Huh? What do you mean you're not sitting your exams? Huh? Oh... Don't misunderstand, your brother's not giving up. He suddenly decided that it'd be better to spend another year studying for them so he'd be sure of passing. Have a seat. Oh yeah, you wanted to talk to me... Hey, Makoto... Do you know this high school? We thought you might like it. Sorry if we're prying where we're not welcome, but... We wanted to let you know that there are schools like this out there. It's a unique school that values individuality and it offers specialist courses in art and music. If you enter the art department you can do up to sixteen hours of art classes per week. It says sometimes they invite famous artists for special classes too. And a high percentage of its graduates go on to art colleges. It looks expensive. It is. But we'll make ends meet. Mitsuru won't we taking his exams for another year, after all. So you're saying it's my fault? Makoto... It was your brother who found this school. He brought me the pamphlet and told me he thought you'd really enjoy going here. And your mother worked out whether we could make it work. It's a one hour journey by train and bus. It's a little bit far, but the campus and location are lovely. And the students seemed very laid back. Mr. Sawada thought you'd enjoy something more practical. And he thought you had a chance at this school. He was all for you going there. Why not at least give it a shot? You'll get in no problem. I think you should go. You've never been good at anything but drawing. At least here you can be rewarded for that. How about it? Don't worry about the money. It'd be so much fun if I could go here... You can! No problem. But I... I'm going to try for Tamagawa East after all. Get your act together already! Mitsuru! Don't you care about any of us! ? Mum looked at dozens of different high school pamphlets and went and looked at tons of them in person... And when I showed her this one she still thought it was the best! It's fine, Makoto. Sit down. Your brother has been worried sick about you too, you know. He thought you'd just hate him if he tried talking to you so he figured he could at least eat dinner with you and made sure to come home straight away after cram school. And the time you were attacked while we were running around looking for you he headed straight to the shrine because he knew you'd be there. You used to play there together as kids, right? And your father has done his best to be here for dinner every night. Even though he used to struggle to get home on time. Like you're one to talk. You used to just buy ready meals every night. But since the incident with Makoto, you've made him stuff every day. Even though a certain someone doesn't even eat them. It taught me what really mattered in life. Having you come back to us was a miracle... I couldn't ask for anything more. Your mother and I... And Mitsuru... We were all so moved. That's why Mitsuru suddenly decided to study medicine. Anyway, sorry for getting so worked up over this school. We'll respect your decision, no matter what it is. - Let's eat. - Right. Respect your decision? You just like messing with our feelings, don't you? I'll bet you think it's really funny to see us suffering, huh! ? Mitsuru... I'll bet you look at us getting upset and think it serves us right. Stop it, Mitsuru. I promised... Huh? I promised Saotome that we'd apply to the same school... A friend? You're gonna pick your school based on that! ? He was my first friend! The first friend... I ever made...! It's embarrassing...but I was so miserable in class and I figured 'screw it', and put up a barrier around me. But Saotome... He talked to me anyway. We bought shoes together... Studied together... It was really fun... So I want to go to the same school as him. I want to make lots more friends... Walking to school together... Going somewhere together on the way home... All I really want to do at school is simple, everyday stuff like that. Thank you. We understand, Makoto. You don't need to say any more. You'll apply to Tamagawa East. Right, everyone? Now, let's eat. I'm starving. Woah... looks good! Want a beer? Yeah. You should have one too. Maybe I will. Here you go. Want a dash? Yes please. Purapura? Purapura? Meet me on the roof of the school after class tomorrow. Okay... Wait a sec... Um... I kinda have somewhere I gotta go today... Right. See you tomorrow, then! Umm... I might just be jumping to conclusions, but... There's a chance that tomorrow I might be a little bit...different... If that happens, please still be my friend. Sure thing. Hey, don't worry! I just wanted to say something to you. Huh? It's a little bit late to be saying this, but...sorry...for back then... You came all the way to see me, and I was so horrible... I just wanted to apologise. While I still have time. I always thought you were kind of sharp. Seeing through me like nobody else seemed to... I never really got how, but... Um...that's all I wanted to say. Later. It's because we're the same. I was bullied too, so... I always watched you carefully. I've been bullied since first grade. And I always kept an eye on you 'cause you were a target in the other class... You were so calm, and you never cried. I always thought it was amazing. Yeah... I've got to say sorry too. I said someone saw you and Haruka in Nikotama, but... It was actually me. Ah...oh... You didn't hear from Saotome? Huh? From Saotome? I see the two of you talking sometimes. Well...that's just how he is... You talk to him too, don't you? The whole class ignores you, but Saotome doesn't care, and talks to you anyway. He doesn't...treat you differently... Ah, don't misunderstand. It's not that I like you. I don't think we're written in the stars or anything. N...not at all... It's more like...um... I think of you as a kindred spirit. We're in the same art club. Even if I'm hopeless at drawing. You always seemed to exist in your own safe, quiet little world. Looking at you I saw the way my world could be someday. You had struggled, but had come out stronger. I used to get told to die or fuck off... People would write about me on the net... And would throw my shoes in the bin every day. Now I might be treated like I'm invisible, but... It's much better than that. I've gotten stronger because of you. You saved my life. Huh! ? N...not really. I... Huh? Huh? You really are Makoto! You're just the same as always! Huh... You're Makoto! Ahahahaha... I'm going to start drawing again. I'll finish that picture. It'll be just like it used to be. Wait there. I'll be right back. Ah... You're late. Sorry. Then...? I know what I did wrong. I killed someone, didn't I? I killed myself. I'm the soul of the recently deceased Makoto Kobayashi! Congratulations! You've passed the test! You've probably already realised but your little homestay wasn't simply training, but a test period to see if a soul like you, who had rejected their own existence once would be able to return to being themselves. I liked you better when you were a jerk. What do you mean? I'm really proud of you! As your guide, I couldn't have asked for more! I feel like dying might have been the easier option. Nobody said living was easy. I didn't care how I acted because I figured it wasn't really me, but thinking back on all the stuff I did... Man, I made such an ass of myself...! But you're happy, aren't you? You're really grateful that you get another chance to be Makoto Kobayashi. Right? Y...yeah... You once told Hiroka that... People don't just have one shade. We have all sorts of different colours. Nobody knows what their true colours are. I think it's fine to be colourful. And to live colourfully. Yeah... I'm glad... I'm so glad...that I came back... From now on, you're on your own. Please realise how many people are there to support you. And don't forget that you're supporting others yourself. This world needs you. Okay. To be honest... I'm one of the souls who didn't notice. What? Really? Yes. I didn't realise my own error. Luckily The Boss recruited me and gave me a job, but... It's terribly sad to be stuck with neither a past nor a future... I don't understand how people can be so happy because of nothing more than a piece of fried chicken or a pork bun, but... I'm kind of jealous. It's nice to have a tomorrow to look forward to, isn't it? I might've had to have been a bit cruel to you sometimes to make you notice that, though... No. Not at all... Thank you, Purapura. Because of you, I... It's time to say goodbye. Ah, wait! Can't you stay with me a bit longer? I don't think I can do it alone... I'm afraid not. If you're lucky, you have a good long life ahead of you. Why not just begin by picking up where you left off with your homestay? Now, I'll begin my final act as your guide. Close your eyes. No! Oh, and... We don't want you thinking you can just get as many retries as you like. So all of your memories of me will be erased. Eh! ? Now, close your eyes. Purapura! Shut your mouth! Close your damn eyes! I'll be checking up on you every now and then. Don't go causing me any more trouble. Makoto Kobayashi. You died once. Once was enough, right? I trust you won't go looking for death again. I won't. It's freezing! Is this...you? No, I'm the horse. I don't...really know what the other figure is... Maybe...an angel...? Nah, nothing that grand... At least... I don't think so... Damn it... You think I'm going to lose to a one gear wonder like that? Someday you're going to eat my dust. Ahaha... Ah! Are you alive? Ah...hey, am I alive? Yep. You sure are. And you're living. What was that? I wonder... Hey, don't gimme that! Give you what? Dear Someone, I'm living. Whatcha doing? I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain. Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You've been up all night? Is it morning? Yes. Then I've been up all night. And you're stuck? Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus? Oh, sorry, sweetie, I can't help you till I've had my coffee. Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment. What is he doing now? LEONARD: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off. Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight. Aye, aye, Captain. I can't see it! It just won't coalesce. Maybe you need a fresh start. You're right. (tires squealing and car horns honking) It's a great idea, Leonard. Thank you. Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Electrons move through graphene... act as if they have no mass... How long has he been stuck? Hmm, Intellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years. Unit cell contains two carbon atoms... Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees. Have you tried rebooting him? (chuckles) (laughing) Nah, I think it's a firmware problem. Hey, it's Disco Night at the Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale tonight. Who's up for getting down? That's perfect. Bernadette's been hocking me to take her roller skating. I think Penny likes to skate. The four of us could double. What could be better? We're in. Great. It's not like I brought it up because I wanted to go. You can come with us. No, it's okay. I don't have to go. I'm happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. Structure, constant structure. One atom... Boy, he's really gone, isn't he? Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant. I thought I smelled popcorn. Pattern is the same as fermions... Travels on the pathways... Hexagonal... It's always hexagonal... I haven't seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie. (gasps) Hey, those are my lima beans! Not lima beans, carbon atoms. But if I don't eat my lima beans, I can't have my cookie. Here, you want my peas? The peas- perfect. They can be electrons. Want my corn? Don't be ridiculous. What would I do with corn? So roller skating - should we all grab a bite to eat first? Good. P.F. Chang's? My mon has coupons Great. Your mom's not coming, right? Not this time, I promise. Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes. The plural of coccyx is coccyges. Screw you. Give me back my lima beans. Oh, my God. Have you ever been so embarrassed? Not recently. I don't know which was lamer: their roller-skating or their disco dancing. For me, the worst part was when people saw us leave with them. You had some nice moves out there, Howard. Thanks. You, too. Yeah. Did you notice all the people looking at us? Not really. I was in my boogie zone. When Howard tried to do the splits... Shh. Sorry. I'm moving a little slow. I think I bruised my coccyx. Oh, poor baby. Don't tell Koothrappali. After you. Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (screams) LEONARD: Oh, my God! Are you... SHELDON: Good Lord! You're ruining everything! Oh, damn. Are you okay? Do I look okay? Don't bark at me. I fell, too. Oh, you've been falling all night. You're used to it. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? The same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet. With marbles? Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn't I? Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep? I don't know- two, three days. Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth. Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No, that's a crazy thing. Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don't get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to...? Impaired cognitive function. Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed. But I don't want to go to bed. I'm going to count to three. One... Oh, all right. That was amazing how you handled him. I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal day care center in our basement. (evil laughter) Leonard, you're... you're giggling in your sleep. It's not me. It's my new ringtone. The Joker from Batman. Well, it creeps me out. Me, too, but I paid three bucks for it. Just answer the phone. (sighs) Hello. Yeah, I'm Leonard Hofstadter. Yeah, yeah, he's my roommate. Oh, God, is he okay? Yeah, all-all right. I'll be right there. What happened? Sheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village. Okay. Have fun. Hi. I'm Dr. Hofstadter. Where is he? Ball pit. Thanks for not calling the cops. Oh, hey, it's no big deal. My sister's got a kid who's special. Yeah, well, he's extra special. Hey, Shelly. Whatcha doin'? Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn't visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms. Sure, sure. How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child's play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms. No, I don't think so. We need to go home now. But I'm still working. If you don't come out of there, I'm going to have to drag you out. You can try, but you'll never catch me. For God's sakes. Sheldon, come here! Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga Bazinga (whispering): Leonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny. (screams) What? What, what, what? Leonard and Penny. What? I have good news. LEONARD: And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night? Your cell phone was off. Because we didn't want to be disturbed. Well, that didn't work out, did it? Sheldon, what do you want? I came to tell you I've got the answer. Really? You figured out the graphene problem? No, no, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out. Okay, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We're going to have to break up. What are you talking about? (clears throat) Oh. (sighs) Einstein. Yeah, I'm going to need a little more. Albert Einstein. Keep going. When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office. So, you're going to go work at the patent office? Don't be absurd. That's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I'm going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem. Sounds like a great plan. Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow. Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night. You're welcome. And good night to you, too. (sighs) Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back. Leonard doesn't snore. No, I wasn't talking to Leonard. I told you. So, Mr. Cooper, you're looking for a job. A menial job. Like yours. Why, thank you for noticing. I'm "Menial Employee of the Month." Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally, they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that? No. Shouldn't you check your database? No. You didn't really type? I didn't really have to. So, how about construction? Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I high above the metropolis. No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that. Good. One question. Yes? What's sheetrock? Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable. Do you have your own car? I don't drive. Of course you don't. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job? Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman's terms, string theory. I see. Just give me a second. Security! Okay, I'll get those drinks started for you. Behind you. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? I'm trying to get these tables cleared. We're slammed. No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh-What are you doing here? A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind: uh, toll booth attendant, Apple Store genius and what Penny does. Now... since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius," here I am. You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that? Oh, heavens, no. Since I don't need to be paid, I didn't need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started "working for the man." Let me get that plate out of your way. Sheldon, this is ridiculous. Is it? Just a moment ago, I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check. Thanks, Sheldon. Sheldon, wait, this isn't even what I do. I'm a waitress, not a busboy. You're right. That is more menial. Hello, I'm Sheldon. I'll be your server today. I don't recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen. Now... All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously- kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande- no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit. Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans? Yes. Double guacamole? Of course. No cilantro? Nope. Lettuce shredded, not chopped? Yep. You understand why I'm doing this to you? I do. That'll be all. That was fun. (laughter) How long can he keep this up? I heard about this professor at MIT who melted down, bought a van, and spent the rest of his life as a mobile dog groomer. He never went back to the university? Only to shampoo Professor Shamburg's shih tzu. Sheesh. I bet if we all chipped in, we could buy Sheldon a van. But he's afraid of dogs. Yeah, that's the only thing wrong with that plan. Hey, guys, sorry you had to wait, but we are swamped. What's this? Sheldon took our order. Sheldon doesn't work here. Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either. (crashing) Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I've been looking at it all wrong. I can't consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It's a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes. Sheldon... where are you going? Aren't you going to clean this up? I'm sorry. I don't work here. Happy now? I'm on a cloud. Swing me. Sheldon, come here. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga! JULES: Is this the past or the present you're talking about? And this is real? This is a story, or this is real? Working on your man, Walter Weed. VICKY: Yeah, interesting career. 40 years, same division, same desk. Is this that in-transmission that's been tracking? JULES: Yep. There's an awful lot of crypto in the carrier wave, and they're using some kind of spread spectrum. Is that accurate? The name? Walter Weed. Yes. My wife, Elizabeth, daughter, Mary. Why is the bureau putting a close protection team on Weed? The question's why would they need to? Retiring, wheelchair-bound, mid-level information analyst. There's really nothing to tell. BAKER: How many enemies can this guy have? Tell me about April 19th. April 19th, 3:00 am, to be precise. Am I in some sort of trouble? BAKER: No, Walter, you're in very specific trouble. Bureau Intel has decoded credible data that a multimillion-dollar contract has been put into play by parties as yet unknown. Unconfirmed information is that this is an open contract, and that multiple assets may be involved. Confirmed information from our good friends at Vicar had the termination date April 19th, 3:00 a.m. Tomorrow? Tomorrow. And you said, "Termination date"? Your termination. You're the target. Tomorrow's the day you're supposed to die, Walter. {NERVOUS LAUGHTER} This is some kind of a gag, isn't it? Abram's is behind this, isn't he? Right. For my retirement party? This is an assassination market. Normally this level of asset engagement is associated with heads of state. Mubarak was a market target 4 years back. Hammed Kazak more recently. You're talking about people of great importance and power. What do I have in common with them? Why would I be a target? That's what we want to know, Walter. So tell me a story. You asked to see me, Father? I thought we should pray together, girl. Pray together and ask the Lord to forgive you your sins. You do want God's love, don't you? Of course, Father. Well, then you know what you must do. Please, Father, kiss me first? {PRIEST CLATTERS ON FLOOR} I was sent by the parents of the children you took liberties with. As penance for your sins, they've asked for nothing less than your life. Sometimes, true forgiveness has to be forced upon us. BAKER: An unknown individual has put a bounty on your head that'll draw every animal who can point a gun, wield a knife, or crush a skull. Sublime, as always. This individual, the un-sub contracting this hit, is likely a major player in international assassinations. It's not likely that we'll know the size and scale of the threat against you, but we should be ready for anything. I've been employed and entrusted with a responsibility. What would happen to the world if we all abandoned our responsibilities, Marty? Look, we could... Chaos. That's what would happen. Yeah. I understand that, all right? Believe me, I do. But everything has a price, right? And I can pay. I'm talking $2,000,000. Please. Okay, okay, fuck that, fuck that. Look, I... I could get you more. A lot more. My brother, Morris Meckler, he's got this client, Buddy Israel, he's got shitloads of cash. 2 days and you'll have the money. Just 2 days! Please! We don't have 2 days, Marty. We only have now. The Mayans and the ancient Egyptians practiced brain surgery. What the fuck? But it was Dr. Walter Freeman who perfected it. Depending on the position... Don't do this. and the depth of the ice pick, one can neutralize pain, the language centre, or short-term memory. My eyes! I can't see! Jesus. God. What the fuck? Different parts of the brain, different results. Wait, wait. $3,000,000. I can get you $3,000,000. The cerebellum controls speech, Marty, not your hearing, so listen very carefully. Don't do this. The people who have employed me have already paid me, and once I've been paid, I see the job through. No! No! You don't have to do this! Otherwise, chaos. BAKER: This is like an open casting for killers. Every sociopath in the known world looking to pick up a pay check is going to be coming out of the woodwork. McTeague. HAL LEUCO: I have a job for you. Are you free? Free, no. Available, yes. Our Intel is still in the assessment phase. What we're finding is that these assets show no allegiance to any individual government or political ideals. They're just cold-blooded killers. Yeah! Yeah! Fucker! Look at me. Where's my fucking shipment? Where is it? Where's my fucking shipment? They're on the base. All right? All right? They're watching me. They were watching so... You're going to fuck me? Oh, I am fucking you. I want my motherfucking weapons! You motherfucking filthy... {BOTH EXCLAIMING} {BOTH EXHALE} They're in the depot. Excellent work, sailor. Dismissed. BAKER: The variety of monsters tracking you that are already more than likely on their way here is like the World Series of assassins. Gonne make this joke about you shooting your load and then me shooting you, but it wasn't as good as "dismissed." How was the old swabbed? Ring your bell, did he? Fucker said they holding our stash in an armoury just inside the depot. You know, I heard that most Navy recruits have had at least one homosexual experience before they even midshipman, so, Sis, I was wondering, I mean, was his deck gun firing? Or maybe he was banging you while he was thinking about Popeye's forearms. Lester, why don't you just admit that you want this sweet little package all to yourself, huh? I admit I wouldn't mind a little... Come on. Come on, now. Don't you fucking touch me, you fucking prick. Get your fucking dirty paws off me, fucker. FRITZ: Don't you know, boy, the danger of blood relations? That's what double-fucked the Confederacy. That's how we lost the Civil War. You think you want a whole slew of kids running around whose eyeballs are touching because you can't keep your hands off your sister? Bunny Rabbit. Time to get serious. We going to acquire us some fire. {ALL LAUGHING} KAITLYN: God damn! That's a mini! 4,000 rounds a minute. Let's go, Sling Blade, shake a leg! {CELL PHONE RINGING} Well, if it isn't the great benefactor. God damn it, Lester! Suppressive fire! Always busy, sugar. We like to keep it oiled so we always ready to roll hard. What you got for us, honey? Why? There's a theory that this has to do with some code that you cracked, some piece of cryptology that is meaningless with you alive but invaluable with you dead. I am only medium-security clearance. Any top secrets that are disseminated are deemed declassified long before they ever cross my desk. Walter, we can head-scratch the semantics of this all day, but the clock is ticking. {MILTON GRUNTING} Oh, God, my face. What's wrong with my face? What did you do to my face? No! No, please! That's it? I thought you were going to cut my face. You're not going to cut my face, are you? No. The face is sacred. But the throat... BAKER: Most of these operators we know by deed only, but they will be cold-blooded, ruthless professionals. {MILTON CHOKING} The bureau has mobilized my team with the express purpose of protecting and thereby extending your life, and that's a good thing. I trust these people with my life, and we're asking you to trust us with yours. Agent Dum are, counter-protocol. Agents Abrego and Nicholas, transport and monitoring. Sir. Agent Red stone's going to be on close protection detail with our SAC. Hey. You'll be moved to an undisclosed location until the deadline and the bounty expire. What is the price? $3,000,000. That is mmm-mmm good. For $3,000,000... I'd kill my own mother. Actually, I did, for a lot less than that. God, I... $3,000,000? I can't imagine what I would've done in my life to warrant such... Walter. They're never going to collect. You just give us the word and we'll go all the way to the wall for you. The exact time of kill is... HAL LEUCO: Is a non-negotiable point. April 19th, 3:00 a.m. Any deviation from this timeline nullifies any form of payment. You just have that money waiting on the 20th, sugar, and I will have something sweet waiting for you. All right, Agent Baker. My life is in your hands. BAKER: Keeping our subject alive depends in no small part on the secrecy of this op. We are ghosts, gentlemen. We do not exist. We're completely off the clock on this one. We're all being paid cash, tax-free, in an effort to leave absolutely no footprint. You all know Agent Dum are. He'll be in charge of over watch. Agents Williamson, Sternberg, will be in charge of sniper and recon at location. Culham will be down on the street. Jules and her team will be our sole point of contact within the bureau. We're overlord 24/7. We'll have real-time sat images, local news and law enforcement feeds. Anything happens in or around you, you'll know about it immediately. WALTER: All this trouble for me. Why this guy? I suppose I should be flattered, somebody wanting me dead so badly. BAKER: Great men attract great enemies. Well, I hardly qualify. I shot a gun once on a range in Quantico, at a paper target. Well, I've fired hundreds of them hundreds of times. Don't worry, Walter. We promise not to let things get too exciting. Our location will be unknown until we touchdown. That means we'll be travelling signal-free. That's no cell phones, PDAs, nothing that receives or transmits. You got them, give them up. And all forms of ID, as well. Remember, none of us exists as of this moment. So, what, things go sideways, no pension? The way you fucking eat, you won't make it to pension anyway. {ALL LAUGHING} We're T minus 30. I'll see you in transport. DUMARE: All right, immediate mount and mobilize. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Dom, I'm serious about that pension, man. I got a kid. You know that. You fucking stunned, they can't take your pension away. Not unless you do something completely horrible. Don't you remember Capo, with the soap? WALTER: How old are you? 32? In charge of this unit? Somebody up there likes you. You're soaring up, and I'm headed down. You must have some pretty amazing memories, though. Any one in particular stick out? Meeting Ronald Reagan. I can only imagine, it must've been like Moses going up the mount and God coming forth. He was a colossal figure. God? Reagan. BAKER: Sorry. Okay. God was colossal, too. Okay, gentlemen, recon takes up station and plots position. We don't breathe until they say it's good. Good to go. Clear to offload. Over. What do you got for me? Rocket fuel. Thank you. Want you to meet Special Agent Malcolm Little. Welcome to Little Jazz. These are my agents you guys are going to be working with. This door is your first line of defence out of what essentially is a bunker. Gentlemen, you're looking at a little piece of history. Turn of the last century, they built freight tunnels throughout all of Chicago. Transport butchered steer. Back in those days, these tunnels were swimming in blood. And if it wasn't the slaughterhouses using them, it was the bootleggers running guns and liquor. These tunnels used to connect the sewer system. They sealed them shut in the early '50s. In 1955, Ike's administration came through and built the bunker. NICHOLAS: Sorry. Ike? REDSTONE: Eisenhower, rookie. Jesus, who hired this punk? If it's not on an iPod, these kids haven't heard of it. ABREGO: Don't let them ride you, Nick-Nick. You don't give it back tenfold, they'll eat you alive. Next time Red messes with you, ask him about Gearbox. Gearbox? Yeah. Gentlemen, the main bunker. You know, truth be told, it used to be a private speakeasy for Sammy "The Ant" Battaglia during Prohibition. Later on, one of our most wanted, Primo Sparazza, used to take his girls in here, get his little geriatric shimmy-shake on. What evict points are available to us? MALCOLM: Well, that's the good and the bad. It would take more munitions to bring down my doors than level all Chicago, but it's a warren. There's only one way in and one way out. Not too crazy about that. You guys got enough food and booze to last you about 6 months. Plus you have complete surveillance of upstairs, corridors, and outside the club. Seriously, you'd have to be suicidal to take a run at my spot. Walter, what do you think? I think I'm about as safe as it's possible to make me. DUMARE: What do you got here? That would be a spider hole. Jesus, Saddam renting this place from you? NICHOLAS: Wow. If you're that impressed, rookie, why don't you jump down in there? Sorry? No, don't be sorry. Just get down in there. Give us a demonstration. Come on, rookie, in the hole. Go on, get in there. Go on. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Right after you explain Gearbox. Rookie fights back. I like that. Okay, who the fuck told him that? That would be me. You know, I figured he ought to know the kind of man he's working with. You fucking... No, hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You didn't follow through. It's the follow-through that matters. Still, he nearly fucked a tyranny. A she-he, bro. That's got to fucking leave a mark. BAKER: Hey! Easy. You girls want to play grab-ass, you do it on your own time, not mine. I need you right and tight. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Let's load in and station up. ABREGO: Yes, sir. Fucking guineas. You get them to Chicago, they get brave. If I'm not mistaken, he sounded a little racist. Easy, the guy's a fucking hard-on. You fuck with the bull, you get the horns, right? {MAN CHATTERING ON PA} BABY BOY: Minotaur's. Minotaur's are cloven-hoofed creatures of mythological origin. You mean miniatures. Yeah. {FRITZ EXCLAIMS} You know what he meant. Yeah. You all be careful. The clown fuckers can be dangerous, and the little ones can be lethal. I always make it a point not to cross swords with carnies and harlots, but we can use them little boys as a facade, so there we are. Yeah. They're Satan's little secret agents, collecting souls on the side. I saw one of them little bastards levitate one time, took the heart right out of a Great Dane, eat it whole, just like that. You seen what? Yep. Where'd you see that? Now that must've been a sight to behold. FRITZ: Yeah. Sent me running for my Bible. You still take comfort in them fables, Daddy? Don't you blaspheme, boy. Never too old to put you over my knee and beat a reckoning into you. You're still scared of clowns, Lester. I isn't scared of them, per se, just very mindful of their movements, that's all. {FRITZ LAUGHS} BAKER: Card tricks? Oh, a little. It's playing cards themselves that I'm interested in. They're based on the old tarot deck, cards that were used for foretelling the future. Can't tell you how handy that's going to come in down here. You don't really buy into that old-world gypsy bullshit, do you, Walter? The psychologist Carl Jung had a different term for it. Synchronicity. The idea being that all of nature's interconnected in such a way that the past, the present, and the human mind, through an act of random sampling, if you will, can predict the course of future actions. What's that thing I heard? It's like the deck itself was like the days of the week? Something like that? Mmm. Well,there's4suits for the 4 seasons, 52 cards for the weeks in the year, and if you add up the pips on every card in the deck, it totals to 365, the number of days in the year. All right. Where's my card, ace of spades? It's not in here. It's not there? No, it's not. Well, why don't you look in Agent Baker's pocket? Not bad. That's good. You see one of those. How the hell did you do that? I can't tell you that. It'll spoil it. BAKER: What are these? Are these government-issue playing cards? No. I had them made. You probably think it's silly. Not at all. You love your country. You've dedicated your life to it. You want bald eagles on your playing cards, I think you've earned it. Gentlemen, should have a real nice crowd in here tonight. Cats playing? Tight. BAKER: Yeah? Who's that? Well, the feature soloist is this brother named Little. Got mad skills on the horn. Uh-huh. So, how long you guys going to have it locked down in here? We'll hold out till tomorrow. This thing's got an expiration date on it. After that, it won't be worth anything to go after him. They got to find us first. Even if they do, they isn't getting down there. You going back to DC after this? No, man. Working on this alias for this project I've got in Vegas next year. Cat I like to call Beanie. Ghetto retard, barely educated, brought up in a gang environment. Oh, that should be a pretty easy transition for you, then. What? I fucking hate hip-hop. You hate hip-hop? Come on. Oh, what? A black man can't hate hip-hop? I bet you tell me my favourite food's watermelon. I just can't live without chicken, huh? Just going to snatch up my brother badge if I isn't bumping some hip-hop. You're putting words in my mouth. Hey, man, listen to me. Hip-hop is the unwanted bastard son of superior musical forms like jazz, blues. These kids don't know anything about Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, but hey, when it's required of me, I be pulling hoes out the club, flashing knots and nines on these naggers. You know how I do, pimp. Like I said, should be a pretty easy transition for you. Little too convincing, Culham. Fuck you. Excuse me. Excuse me. The keys to 409, please? Excuse me? Of course, sir. Sorry, I'm still new. Culham, what do you got? {OVER RADIO} All clear down here. Good, good. Just stop short of blowing strangers for bags of crack. Sternberg, how's the view? Wide open and whisper-quiet. All right, keep it primed, keep them peeled. All clear here, Baker. BAKER: Copy that. Let's get all-around sit-reps every 20. Copy that. Hey, how's my peasant doing? Fat and getting fatter. DUMARE: Fucking fatty. Hey! Hey! Hey, watch it. DUMARE: Stakeouts equal flab, Abrego. Sit-reps every 20. {KNOCKING ON DOOR} Yeah? Evening, neighbour. I'm Troy from next door. I just want to make sure that you got settled in all right. I'm okay, thank you. A beautiful woman like you in a town like Chicago... As your neighbour, I just wanted to extend every hospitality I can. Hmm. And what's that hospitality consist of? What was it? Troy? Mmm-hmm. So, so many things. {BOTH CHUCKLING} You like to get loco, huh? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, really crazy. What about experimenting? Baby, I'm at your disposal. No. You will be. BAKER: What do the cards say, Walter? Wish I knew. I never could get into cards. My grandfather, he would sit at the kitchen table and just wile away for hours. Always seemed a bit more of a time-killer to me. Well, that's not surprising. You're a man of action. Cards are more cerebral. Are they, now? So do you have family, Walter? This is my wife, Elizabeth, and my daughter, Mary. Wow, really... Wow, they're like mirrors to one another. Your wife is beautiful. There you go. That's mine. Amelia. I never figured you for a father. You almost seem shocked. Sorry. Pardon me. Well, that right there's my pride and joy. So were mine. Tractor-trailer on the beltway lost... Lost control. {TIRES SCREECHES} I lost all the things I love, but through all the horrible, horrible things we have to go through, I still find that one thing worth living for. What's that one thing? NICHOLAS: Sir? I'm sorry, Walter. {KNOCKING ON DOOR} Who is it? {KNOCKING CONTINUES} MAN: Agent Dum are? Who's there? {SILENCED GUNSHOT} BAKER: Miss me? JULES: A girl doesn't want to seem too eager. Go secure for encrypt. Line secure. BAKER: What's on the grid? Nothing. You're completely spectral, and your location through everything we've been monitoring is spotless, but we did find something on our mystery man. He's been on the radar for about 3 years and he's been a very busy boy. Brokered at least 2 dozen high-profile contract kills. This guy has worked schoolboy hard to shield his ID, but I think we got a name. I mean, most likely an alias. Hal Leuco. Hal Leuco? Okay, do me a favour. See if you get any cross-corollary hits with Vicar. Check the right-wing stuff. You know, those Limbaugh assholes, just like the boys you used to date. Never been that lucky. What are you thinking? I don't know. Maybe nothing. I just got a gut thing on this one. You got it, honey. And your heart forever? You've always had that. Bye. This town's got more tunnels than Ho Chi Minh's whorehouse. The whole city's a warren of the wicked and depraved. Speaking of depraved, you lay a paw on me again, I'm going to shove that RPG where the sun refuses to shine. Remember old Bobby Dubap, y'all? Down out of Tulsa? That shitstain got himself leistered with an RPG. Did they fire it? Fire it? I'm telling you, boy. I mean, if you took the time now to bother to stuff a collapsible shoulder-launch RPG up somebody's bunghole, don't you think you'd fire it? Wouldn't you feel just a little let down if you didn't? Whywouldyouput it up there in the first place? I don't know. You got your thumb up there most of the time. Why don't you tell me? Y'all are real at each other right now. Ah, don't pay him no mind. His brother Jives, brother Darwin up to stir, see? Now he thinks he's fit, maybe, to take over this clan. I'd rather be incarcerated than have to sit here and listen to your jibber jabber. Yeah, I can see that. You'd last about one minute up in the pen. Yeah, you'd really be reckoning with your feminine side. Yeah, well, there's going to be reckoning, old boy, right quick. "There's going to be a reckoning, old boy." BAKER: Good to see you're prepared. Staying focused. Oh, I am. I'm utterly focused on that rack. Is that not a majestic set of tits? What? Are you being serious? What? You're joking, right? What? What the hell you talking about? Van even is a transvestite. What? Her vagina was made with, like, the scrotum sack. She's, like, 85% man. Come on. Come on, Red. Oh, fuck. Are you serious? I didn't know. Seriously? No. Go relieve Abrego and O'Keefe. Okay. Okay, Bake. You guys, you got to knock that Gearbox shit off. And if that kid gives me lip about it, I am going to permanently alter his speech pattern, I'm serious. All right, take the kid with you. Try not to kill him. Come on. Jesus, you guys. Rookie, let's go. {COCKS GUN} You're worried about something. Lot of steel and concrete between you and anyone that wants to get to you. A name did come up, though. Hal Leuco. That ring any bells? No. Never heard of it? Never came across your desk? I haven't been involved in that level of Intel in quite some time now, but if I was, I would've cross-referenced it. A name as distinctive as Al Leuco. Hal Leuco. Walter, if you know anything... Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful. Hey! Hey, neighbour. I knew you were a working girl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Slow down, slow down, stud. Hey. I just got paid, okay? Make this shit happen. Wait. Troy. Troy. What? I like to be seduced, Troy. I like to be kissed slowly. I didn't think you whores went for the mouth. Think of all the grateful women who will be spared your charms. Hmm? {MAN COUGHS} Asshole. fondkiss, and then we sever Look, maybe it's not just about Weed. Why the 19th of April? What's the significance of that? Well, that's going to take some real time, sweetie, a search that broad. I'm going to get the whole world back. Well, press it, okay? Something feels off. I ran Hal Leuco by him and he had no recollection. But I did get some preliminary kickback on that name crosscheck with potential link to what looks like some kind of veil or shadow op codenamed "True Patriot." True Patriot? Now, where'd that data come from? It's just a random hit off this right-wing militia blog, which went off post-9/11. Okay, dig it out for me, will you, babe? We always do. Baker for over watch. Dum are, you copy? Dom? Sit-rep. Where you at? Dum are, you copy? Dom? All clear here. Good. Let's hope it stays that way. All right, boys, we're getting into the witching hour. That's when the party starts, or the people go home and go to sleep. Let's hope for the best and expect the worst. I want you to keep your shifts rotating. The next 3 hours are critical. Anything looks out of place, I want you all over it. Keep your mind tight and your step light. Baker out. Hey, man. Help a brother out. {JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING} {CROWD APPLAUDING} {MAN WHISTLES} Baker, do you copy? Okay. Remember now, honey pie, 3:00 a.m. and $3,000,000. Put the fear of God in them. You'll hear me coming, Daddy. Lester, you just try and keep your hands off your pecker, now. What can I get for you? What are you offering? That depends what you have a taste for. And if my taste runs toward musicians who happen to have their own club? Hey, that makes you an epicurean, baby. Excuse me. Mike Gooding, CYA Records. I just listened to that set, man. Nice. Very impressed, very impressed. My man. Welcome to Little Jazz. Thank you. Hey, you want to meet the band? Sure. All right. Enjoy the show. {INDISTINCT CHATTER} Too much oil. Excuse me? You use too much oil. You're wearing Caron Poivre, which is a good fragrance for you, but it's being ruined by the oil. Bravo. You're very good about the perfume, but I don't use oil on my skin. I didn't mention anything about your skin. Think it's on the gun you're wearing. I think tonight's going to end very badly between us. Over watch, we got a vehicle pulling up. Like a low-rent Cirque du Soleil-type thing. It's being towed by a garbage truck. That pretend street urchin smells like John Law from here. Probably a couple hawks on the roof. It's time to set your brother loose. OSTERBERG: Dom, do you copy? Over watch. What's wrong with this thing? I'm not getting anything. Over watch, do you copy? Copy that. Check it out. Copy that. Sternberg! Dum are, I got an agent down, I got an agent down. Dom. Dom. Injuns 2, cowboys zero. Okay, so we got some things on the date. April 19th. On current or planned events we drew nothing, but historically, Baker, some stuff came up. Oklahoma City bombing took place on April 19th. Both the Bay of Pigs and the siege at Waco ended April 19th, and what a lot of Americans don't realize is that April 19th was originally Patriot's Day. But, Baker, April 19th was the day that Weed lost his family. Jesus Christ. What the hell is True Patriot? From what I can glean, some kind of reverse PR campaign against the United States on or around the time of widespread international criticism of the US government. So we already look bad, and this is supposed to make us look worse. Okay, what kind of ops are we talking about? Torture of prisoners in US custody, all photographed. Radiation poisoning of a Russian official by the CIA. Murder of an Iraqi family, supposedly by a US soldier, and the bombing of a subway in an allied country in order to sway support against the Iraqi war. All carried out under the banner of True Patriot. Prisoner torture, that's Abu Grab. Radiation poisoning, Litvinenko. Iraqi family murders, Mahmudiyah killings. Train station bombings, Madrid subway attacks. Look, I want you to dig deep on this. Okay? I want bank accounts, I want anything and everything... Already done. We got classic shells, offshore, so no one who wasn't staring at them would ever connect them to True Patriot. They're similar to the tracking accounts this Hal Leuco character is using to go after Weed. Nice. Sternberg. LESTER: Hey! Don't shit yourself, son. It's just me. Hi! I look like that dude, the one in Platoon. He's in Sniper. "One shot, one kill!" All these gentlemen callers competing for your attention. I like the single life. Look, this situation, you know what they say. 2 heads are better than 1. Bigger targets. I don't need your help. Then why haven't you killed me already? The night's still young. Well, hello, handsome. Walter, why didn't you tell me that today, April 19th, is the day your wife and daughter died? It hadn't occurred to me. Someone says you're going to die, the last thing you think about is the date. Something's not right here, Walter. You know how some people, they get a trick knee before it rains? You see, I get this twinge in my gut and it's never let me down, and right now it's telling me either you or this situation is full of shit. Which one is it? Is it? That's outrageous, Agent Baker. Yes, and I resent what you're implying. I have given the better part of my life to this bureau and my country. You have no right to speak to me this way. Hey, peasant. You check out the Latina at the bar, man? Sexy as fuck, but man, I don't trust it. It's got this serious-ass black-widow vibe type thing. I don't know about her bullet-head boyfriend, either. Dom. I'll keep an eye on her. What's with you, man? You okay? I'm fine. All right, man. FRITZ: Come on, come on. Move your sorry ass. Time is a-wasting. All right, spuds. Fire in the hole. What the hell was that? REDSTONE: What? Where's our generator? Oh, fuck. Are you serious? Everybody be cool. A little power outage. Happens all the time. Go with me on this. Everybody freeze. This woman's a wanted criminal. Who the fuck are you? Mike Gooding, FBI. I've been following this woman for 3 days. She's a wanted murderer. Now get Baker on the line. Baker, you getting this? Baker, do you copy? Dom, did you get a movement order on this? Is he with you? Man, fuck this. Everybody relax, this fucking second. Deep breaths, dry palms. We're going to take care of the situation. I want everybody within the sound of my voice to place their weapons on the ground. Slowly. {BOTH LAUGHING} I believe we ranged. {TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING} Reload! BABY BOY: Yeah! Oh, shit! {ALL LAUGHING} BAKER: Someone's compromised this operation. We were invisible. We were fucking invisible. {BREATHES HEAVILY} Wait! Wait till it's safe! I'm not paid to play safe. Fuck! MALCOLM: Shit! Ishould've listened to you. Not my strong suit, I guess. It never was. BAKER: Dum are, where is my over watch? BAKER: Nick? NICHOLAS: Link's still down, sir. Can anybody up there hear me? Sternberg? Abrego? Somebody? ABREGO: Copy that, Chief. Our door is still sealed. Locking mechanism unaffected. You hold your position. You kill anything you don't know. You understand me? Jules, over watch is down or dead. I need full response, all available agents. I repeat, full armed response. Copy, Chicago field office deploying now. Send me everything you got. We're under siege here. I'm on it. Are you okay? No, not at all. Fuck! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, baby, go wide! Hit the deck! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hey! Check this one out! That's not a close-quarters weapon. You could've killed us all, shit for brains! Goddamnit ! And that's for taking the Lord's name in vain. I've been shot. I've been gut shot. Abrego, please. Can't you see I'm dying out here. Baker, I got Dum are on the other side of the elevator door. DUMARE: Open the goddamn door! ABREGO: He's hit. He needs medical attention immediately. What the hell is he doing down there? Dom, what are you doing in the bar? Why aren't you at your post? What's he doing? Abrego, keep that door sealed. What are you talking about? He's hit. He's in a bad fucking way, man. Stand down, Abrego. Bullshit! What, are you fucking nuts? We got to get him out of there. Not till Baker gives the okay. Do not open that door. I'm feeling cold, and I know that's really bad. Wait, wait. Now. My eyeholes! {BEEPING RAPIDLY} Oh, dear me. Baby Boy. You did real good. There's a time for tears, Daddy, but this isn't it. There's money for the taking. $3,000,000 worth. Do not open that door. Step away, man. Open the door. Now! It's fucking Dom, for Christ's sakes. I am not letting him die 3 fucking feet from me. Stand down now! Abrego. BAKER: Abrego, this is a direct order. Hold on, Dom! Do not open that door! Do you understand me? Fuck. I'm coming! What the fuck, Dom? You're not Dom. Sir, I've got gunfire in the stairwell. Proceed with extreme prejudice. You are our last line of defence. Hold your fire! It's me! It's Dum are! I think I'm hit! These guys are on my ass! I'm coming out! FRITZ: Hell! Jules, where's my backup? They're en route. But, Zane, listen to me, the contractors... Jules, the fucking ceiling is coming down. The assassins targeting Weed all have extensive government kill sheets. Wet work for Uncle Sam. So you're saying that they've targeted US government agents before? No, that's just it. All of the vendors have been classified "liquidator," and at one point or another have engaged in illegal covert activity for the US government. Do you hear me? They've worked for us. Jules? Jules? Shit. You've been lugging that damn rocket around like a Afghani at a fucking Bar Mitzvah! Shoot that sucker! Hold on! Hold on down there! Hold your fire for a second! Any of you want to see my sister's tits? What? JULES: How far away is tactical response? JENNY: It's 20 out. Local PD's onsite in 3. Just stay on it. Get my line back up. What the fuck is that? NICHOLAS: Sir? I'm a businessman. I'm here to negotiate with Mr. Weed. Stand down. Relinquish your weapon and get in the prone position. If you don't let me in, your man's no use to me. SOOT: Deal or no deal? No deal. God damn it, Bake. Open the door. Shut up. You're wasting time, and he's losing blood. No matter what you do, I will not open this door and if you kill that man, I swear to God, I will hunt you down. Repeat. I will hunt you down like a dog and kill you if it's the last thing I do. I'll make sure that it is. Will that door hold? It's got to. If our Intel's correct, 3 minutes, it's roll credits. If he's not dead at 3:00 a.m. exactly, there's no payment. Cheer up, Houdini. You're about to live through this. Y'all mind if I crash your little party? Eeny... Walter! ...meeny... many... Moe. Walter, you okay? Yes. Nick. Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh, shit. Look, okay, okay. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. Cover his chest... Cover his chest. Wound. Right here. Wound, wound, wound. Okay, look at me. Breathe. Breathe. You're okay. What is happening to me? No, no, you'll... No,no. Lay down, lay down. No, no. No. No, no. REDSTONE: Just breathe. Come on. No, no. Open your eyes. Come on, Nick. BAKER: Come on. Come on. Come on. Fuck! Hit him again, lummox. 2 more minutes and we're shit out of luck. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get away from that goddamn door. Hey, hey, hey. This is a dead man's switch. There's enough C-4 explosives wired to my chair to bring down this entire bunker. If I release this button, it detonates the explosives. Okay, okay. I can take him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. Take 3 steps back, okay? Just stand down. Just hold on. Requesting permission to terminate target. No, Red. Stand down. Red! He is a goddamn suicide bomber, Bake. A dozen men are dead. Red! No! {EXCLAIMS IN PAIN} Whoa! All right? Everything's cool. Red, you okay? Do I look like I'm fucking okay? No, you just shot me! See? Red's okay. Walter, you're a government official. You're about to murder your own. For the greater good. There are men outside that door that are wanted enemy combatants directly aligned against our country. They have engaged in the most heinous acts ever perpetrated against the United States. In 40 years, I have never had the opportunity to do anything heroic. Walter, this isn't heroic. This is sanctioned murder. You're sweeping up for somebody, Walter, okay? Hal Leuco fed you a line of bullshit, and now they're using you, Walter. I am not being used. I lied to you. I am well aware of True Patriot, a vicious, coordinated assault by animals like Fin bar McTeague conducting tortures in the name of American interests. He stages these sessions, photographs them, and disseminates the pictures around the world. And Arielle Martinez, mercenary, well-versed in exotic poisons and toxicology. She liquidates a Russian dissident with radioactive poison used only by the US military. Lazlo Soot. He murders an Iraqi family and pins it on a US soldier. Those crazed hillbillies, the Tremors? The True Patriot is a fabrication. Hal Leuco made it up. They blew up a train station in Spain. It swayed a major election, voted in a liberal president, who then pulled his support on the Iraqi war. NEWSCASTER 1: 191 people were killed today, and more than 2,000 were... NEWSCASTER 2: It seems the train targeted by the bombers were either in station or... {INDISTINCT CHATTERING} These are cold-blooded mercenaries and killers in open warfare against our government. They have been sent a contract on me to lure them here, where I can terminate all of them. Okay, Walter, wait a minute. Everything you know about True Patriot is a lie. Yes. Hal Leuco, whoever or whatever the fuck he is, he's been planning on using you for months, maybe even years in advance. Yes, Walter. They planted these stories. They stitched them together to get you here to this moment. It's blowback, Walter. Everyone you mentioned, all those enemy combatants, yeah, they've done some sinister things, Walter, but on behalf of the US government, and now they want them dead. Do you see what's happening here? This isn't about patriotism. This is about eradication. No. Yes, and that's what they're doing to you, Walter. Don't let them. Don't. No. My wife and my daughter were taken from me. By what? Chance? Ideas live on, Agent Baker. People don't. And when I roll out that door and detonate these explosives, I join the grid of destiny. I will be remembered. I will be history. You have a choice. Destiny's plaything, or avenging angel? Please don't do this... Walter. Walter, please. Fuck. Come on. Come on. FRITZ: Help me. Help me, boy. Helpme. Help me. Help me, boy. I'll help you, you old fucker. {BREATHING HEAVILY} MAN 1: Sir? Sir, are you okay? MAN 2: Hey, buddy, you all right? Gun! He's got a gun! Whoa! I'm Agent Baker. I'm in charge. Don't. Don't move. Get down on the ground. VEJAR: Get off him! He's FBI. You 4, lock this place down, check for survivors. See to Lester Young there while you're at it. Agent Baker, I'm Special Agent Anthony Vejar. I know you've been through hell, but I'm out of time. Where's Walter Weed? He's dead. You can verify that? You saw him die? You saw a body? He blew himself up into a million pieces. I'm going to ask you one more time. Did you see a body? Did you actually see him die? He was sitting on enough C-4 to level downtown Chicago. He was a suicide bomber. There's no body to recover. We have reason to believe that Walter Weed was Hal Leuco. What? We think Leuco was some sort of cleanup man, taking care of old assets like the Tremors, McTeague, Lazlo Soot, in order to eradicate any link to True Patriot, anyone he'd dealt with personally. There's an element of shadow government behind this. CIA, NSA, agency in the black. It's unclear, but you and your men were used, co-opted. Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. My team did an extensive background check. They tracked Weed all the way back to his childhood. He worked for the agency, for God's sakes. It was all fabricated. Leuco papered, disseminated information in the agency to create the illusion of Weed. Hal Leuco isn't even a real name. It's short for Haliaeetus leucocephalus. It's Latin for "bald eagle." BAKER: You want bald eagles on your playing cards, I think you've earned it. The assassins, the money we were tracking, where did all that come from? As Walter Weed, Leuco had access to bureau Intel, everything we'd been working on domestically. As Hal Leuco, he was privy to more than his share of CIA ops. We were a week away from proving the connection between the 2 when this happened. $3,000,000. That is mmm-mmm good. I'm glad. How could he get away with 2 identities, working at the highest level of intelligence? Leuco is a ghost, a will-o'-the-wisp. Now you see him, now you don't. That's why I needed to know, did you see him die? Are you sure? How could he survive that blast? How the hell did you do that? I can't tell you that. It'll spoil it. Son of a bitch. Southside bar owner Malcolm Little had no idea this morning that his place of business would be the scene of a massive gas leak explosion. Fire-fighters are on the scene... JULES: Is this the past or the present you're talking about? And this is real? This is a story, or this is real? Working on your man, Walter Weed. VICKY: Yeah, interesting career. Forty years, same division, same desk. Is this that in-transmission that's been tracking? JULES: Yep. There's an awful lot of crypto in the carrier wave, and they're using some kind of spread spectrum. Is that accurate? The name? Walter Weed. Yes. My wife, Elizabeth, daughter, Mary. Why is the bureau putting a close protection team on Weed? The question's why would they need to? Retiring, wheelchair-bound, mid-level information analyst. There's really nothing to tell. BAKER: How many enemies can this guy have? Tell me about April 19th. April 19th, 3:00 a.m. To be precise. Am I in some sort of trouble? BAKER: No, Walter, you're in very specific trouble. Bureau intel has decoded credible data that a multimillion-dollar contract has been put into play by parties as yet unknown. Unconfirmed information is that this is an open contract, and that multiple assets may be involved. Confirmed information from our good friends at ViCAP had the termination date April 19th, 3:00 a.m. Tomorrow? Tomorrow. And you said, "Termination date"? Your termination. You're the target. Tomorrow's the day you're supposed to die, Walter. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) This is some kind of a gag, isn't it? Abrams is behind this, isn't he? Right. For my retirement party? This is an assassination market. Normally this level of asset engagement is associated with heads of state. Mubarak was a market target four years back. Hamid Karzai more recently. You're talking about people of great importance and power. What do I have in common with them? Why would I be a target? That's what we want to know, Walter. So tell me a story. You asked to see me, Father? I thought we should pray together, girl. Pray together and ask the Lord to forgive you your sins. You do want God's love, don't you? Of course, Father. Well, then you know what you must do. (CHUCKLES) Please, Father, kiss me first? (COUGHS) (PRIEST CLATTERS ON FLOOR) I was sent by the parents of the children you took liberties with. As penance for your sins, they've asked for nothing less than your life. (SIGHS) Sometimes, true forgiveness has to be forced upon us. BAKER: An unknown individual has put a bounty on your head that'll draw every animal who can point a gun, wield a knife, or crush a skull. Sublime, as always. This individual, the un-sub contracting this hit, is likely a major player in international assassinations. It's not likely that we'll know the size and scale of the threat against you, but we should be ready for anything. I've been employed and entrusted with a responsibility. What would happen to the world if we all abandoned our responsibilities, Marty? (SHUSHING) Look, we could... Chaos. That's what would happen. Yeah. I understand that, all right? Believe me, I do. But everything has a price, right? And I can pay. I'm talking $2,000,000. Please. Okay, okay, fuck that, fuck that. Look, I... I could get you more. A lot more. My brother, Morris Mecklen, he's got this client, Buddy Israel, he's got shitloads of cash. Two days and you'll have the money. Just two days! Please! We don't have two days, Marty. We only have now. The Mayans and the ancient Egyptians practiced brain surgery. What the fuck? But it was Dr. Walter Freeman who perfected it. Depending on the position... Don't do this. ...and the depth of the ice pick, one can neutralize pain, the language center, or short-term memory. My eyes! I can't see! Jesus. God. What the fuck? Different parts of the brain, Wait, wait. Different results. $3,000,000. I can get you $3,000,000. The cerebellum controls speech, Marty, not your hearing, so listen very carefully. Don't do this. The people who have employed me have already paid me, and once I've been paid, I see the job through. No! No! You don't have to do this! Otherwise, chaos. BAKER: This is like an open casting for killers. Every sociopath in the known world looking to pick up a paycheck is gonna be coming out of the woodwork. (SCREAMS) (SHUSHING) McTeague. HAL LEUCO: I have a job for you. Are you free? Free, no. Available, yes. Our intel is still in the assessment phase. What we're finding is that these assets show no allegiance to any individual government or political ideals. They're just cold-blooded killers. (GRUNTS) Yeah! Yeah! Fucker! Look at me. Where's my fucking shipment? Where is it? Where's my fucking shipment? They're on the base. They're on the base. All right? All right? They're watching me. They were watching so... You're gonna fuck me? Oh, I am fucking you. I want my motherfucking weapons! You motherfucking filthy... (BOTH EXCLAIMING) (BOTH EXHALE) They're in the depot. Excellent work, sailor. Dismissed. BAKER: The variety of monsters tracking you that are already more than likely on their way here is like the World Series of assassins. (CHUCKLES) Gonna make this joke about you shooting your load and then me shooting you, but it wasn't as good as "dismissed." How was the old swabbie? Ring your bell, did he? Fucker said they's holding our stash in an armory just inside the depot. You know, I heard that most Navy recruits have had at least one homosexual experience before they's even midshipman, so, Sis, I was wondering, I mean, was his deck gun firing? Or maybe he was banging you while he was thinking about Popeye's forearms. Lester, why don't you just admit that you want this sweet little package all to yourself, huh? I admit I wouldn't mind a little... Come on. Come on, now. Don't you fucking touch me, you fucking prick. Get your fucking dirty paws off me, fucker. FRITZ: Don't you know, boy, the danger of blood relations? That's what double-fucked the Confederacy. That's how we lost the Civil War. You think you want a whole slew of kids running around whose eyeballs are touching because you can't keep your hands off your sister? Bunny Rabbit. Time to get serious. We gonna acquire us some fire. (ALL LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) KAITLYN: God damn! That's a mini! Four thousand rounds a minute. Let's go, Sling Blade, shake a leg! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Well, if it ain't the great benefactor. God damn it, Lester! Suppressive fire! Always busy, sugar. We like to keep it oiled so we's always ready to roll hard. What you got for us, honey? Why? There's a theory that this has to do with some code that you cracked, some piece of cryptology that is meaningless with you alive but invaluable with you dead. I am only medium-security clearance. Any top secrets that are disseminated are deemed declassified long before they ever cross my desk. Walter, we can head-scratch the semantics of this all day, but the clock is ticking. (MILTON GRUNTING) Oh, God, my face. What's wrong with my face? What did you do to my face? No! No, please! (SCREAMING) That's it? (CHUCKLES) I thought you were gonna cut my face. You're not gonna cut my face, are you? No. The face is sacred. But the throat... BAKER: Most of these operators we know by deed only, but they will be cold-blooded, ruthless professionals. (MILTON CHOKING) The bureau has mobilized my team with the express purpose The bureau has mobilized my team with the express purpose of protecting and thereby extending your life, and that's a good thing. I trust these people with my life, and we're asking you to trust us with yours. Agent Dumare, counter-protocol. Agents Abrego and Nicholas, transport and monitoring. Sir. Agent Redstone's gonna be on close protection detail with our SAC. Hey. You'll be moved to an undisclosed location until the deadline and the bounty expire. What is the price? $3,000,000. That is mmm-mmm good. For $3,000,000... I'd kill my own mother. Actually, I did, for a lot less than that. God, I... $3,000,000? I can't imagine what I would've done in my life to warrant such... Walter. They're never gonna collect. You just give us the word and we'll go all the way to the wall for you. The exact time of kill is... HAL LEUCO: Is a non-negotiable point. April 19th, 3:00 a.m. Any deviation from this timeline nullifies any form of payment. You just have that money waiting on the 20th, sugar, and I will have something sweet waiting for you. All right, Agent Baker. My life is in your hands. BAKER: Keeping our subject alive depends in no small part on the secrecy of this op. We are ghosts, gentlemen. We do not exist. We're completely off the clock on this one. We're all being paid cash, tax-free, in an effort to leave absolutely no footprint. You all know Agent Dumare. He'll be in charge of overwatch. Agents Williamson, Osterberg, will be in charge of sniper and recon at location. Culham will be down on the street. Jules and her team will be our sole point of contact within the bureau. We're overlord 24l7. We'll have real-time sat images, local news and law enforcement feeds. Anything happens in or around you, you'll know about it immediately. WALTER: All this trouble for me. Why this guy? I suppose I should be flattered, somebody wanting me dead so badly. BAKER: Great men attract great enemies. Well, I hardly qualify. I shot a gun once on a range in Quantico, at a paper target. Well, I've fired hundreds of them hundreds of times. Don't worry, Walter. We promise not to let things get too exciting. Our location will be unknown until we touch down. That means we'll be traveling signal-free. That's no cell phones, PDAs, nothing that receives or transmits. You got them, give them up. And all forms of ID, as well. Remember, none of us exists as of this moment. So, what, things go sideways, no pension? The way you fucking eat, you won't make it to pension anyway. (ALL LAUGHING) We're T minus 30. I'll see you in transpo. DUMARE: All right, immediate mount and mobilize. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Dom, I'm serious about that pension, man. I got a kid. You know that. You fucking stunad, they can't take your pension away. Not unless you do something completely horrible. Don't you remember Cabo, with the soap? WALTER: How old are you? Thirty-two? In charge of this unit? Somebody up there likes you. You're soaring up, and I'm headed down. You must have some pretty amazing memories, though. Any one in particular stick out? Meeting Ronald Reagan. (SIGHS) I can only imagine, it must've been like Moses going up the mount and God coming forth. He was a colossal figure. God? (LAUGHING) Reagan. BAKER: Sorry. Okay. God was colossal, too. Okay, gentlemen, recon takes up station and plots position. We don't breathe until they say it's good. Good to go. Clear to offload. Over. What do you got for me? Rocket fuel. Thank you. Want you to meet Special Agent Malcolm Little. Welcome to Little Jazz. These are my agents you guys are gonna be working with. This door is your first line of defense out of what essentially is a bunker. Gentlemen, you're looking at a little piece of history. Turn of the last century, they built freight tunnels throughout all of Chicago. Transport butchered steer. Back in those days, these tunnels were swimming in blood. And if it wasn't the slaughterhouses using them, it was the bootleggers running guns and liquor. These tunnels used to connect the sewer system. They sealed them shut in the early '50s. In 1955, Ike's administration came through and built the bunker. NICHOLAS: Sorry. Ike? REDSTONE: Eisenhower, rookie. Jesus, who hired this punk? If it's not on an iPod, these kids haven't heard of it. ABREGO: Don't let them ride you, Nick-Nick. You don't give it back tenfold, they'll eat you alive. Next time Red messes with you, ask him about Gearbox. Yeah. Gearbox? Gentlemen, the main bunker. You know, truth be told, it used to be a private speakeasy for Sammy "The Ant" Battaglia during Prohibition. Later on, one of our most wanted, Primo Sparazza, used to take his girls in here, get his little geriatric shimmy-shake on. What evac points are available to us? MALCOLM: Well, that's the good and the bad. It would take more munitions to bring down my doors than level all Chicago, but it's a warren. There's only one way in and one way out. Not too crazy about that. You guys got enough food and booze to last you about six months. Plus you have complete surveillance of upstairs, corridors, and outside the club. Seriously, you'd have to be suicidal to take a run at my spot. Walter, what do you think? I think I'm about as safe as it's possible to make me. DUMARE: What do you got here? That would be a spider hole. Jesus, Saddam renting this place from you? NICHOLAS: Wow. If you're that impressed, rookie, why don't you jump down in there? Sorry? No, don't be sorry. Just get down in there. Give us a demonstration. Come on, rookie, in the hole. Go on, get in there. Go on. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Right after you explain Gearbox. (EXCLAIMING) Rookie fights back. I like that. Okay, who the fuck told him that? (STUTTERS) That would be me. You know, I figured he ought to know the kind of man he's working with. You fucking... No, hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You didn't follow through. It's the follow-through that matters. Still, he nearly fucked a tranny. A she-he, bro. That's gotta fucking leave a mark. BAKER: Hey! Easy. You girls want to play grab-ass, you do it on your own time, not mine. I need you right and tight. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Let's load in and station up. ABREGO: Yes, sir. Fucking guineas. You get them to Chicago, they get brave. If I'm not mistaken, he sounded a little racist. Easy, the guy's a fucking hard-on. You fuck with the bull, you get the horns, right? (MAN CHATTERING ON PA) BABY BOY: Minotaurs. Minotaurs are cloven-hoofed creatures of mythological origin. You mean miniatures. Yeah. (FRITZ EXCLAIMS) You know what he meant. Yeah. You all be careful. Them clown fuckers can be dangerous, and the little ones can be lethal. I always make it a point not to cross swords with carnies and harlots, but we can use them little boys as a facade, so there we are. Yeah. They're Satan's little secret agents, collecting souls on the side. I saw one of them little bastards levitate one time, took the heart right out of a Great Dane, eat it whole, just like that. You seen what? Yep. Where'd you see that? Now that must've been a sight to behold. FRITZ: Yeah. Sent me running for my Bible. You still take comfort in them fables, Daddy? (CHUCKLES) Don't you blaspheme, boy. Never too old to put you over my knee and beat a reckoning into you. You're still scared of clowns, Lester. (CHUCKLING) I ain't scared of them, per se, just very mindful of their movements, that's all. (FRITZ LAUGHS) BAKER: Card tricks? Oh, a little. It's playing cards themselves that I'm interested in. They're based on the old tarot deck, cards that were used for foretelling the future. Can't tell you how handy that's gonna come in down here. You don't really buy into that old-world gypsy bullshit, do you, Walter? The psychologist Carl Jung had a different term for it. Synchronicity. The idea being that all of nature's interconnected in such a way that the past, the present, and the human mind, through an act of random sampling, if you will, can predict the course of future actions. What's that thing I heard? It's like the deck itself was like the days of the week? Something like that? Mmm. (SIGHS) Well, there's four suits for the four seasons, 52 cards for the weeks in the year, and if you add up the pips on every card in the deck, it totals to 365, the number of days in the year. All right. Where's my card, ace of spades? It's not in here. It's not there? No, it's not. Well, why don't you look in Agent Baker's pocket? (LAUGHS) Not bad. That's good. You see one of those. How the hell did you do that? I can't tell you that. It'll spoil it. BAKER: What are these? Are these government-issue playing cards? No. I had them made. You probably think it's silly. Not at all. You love your country. You've dedicated your life to it. You want bald eagles on your playing cards, I think you've earned it. Gentlemen, should have a real nice crowd in here tonight. Cats playing? Tight. BAKER: Yeah? Who's that? Well, the feature soloist is this brother named Little. Got mad skills on the horn. Uh-huh. So, how long you guys gonna have it locked down in here? We'll hold out till tomorrow. This thing's got an expiration date on it. After that, it won't be worth anything to go after him. They gotta find us first. Even if they do, they ain't getting down there. You going back to DC after this? No, man. Working on this alias for this project I've got in Vegas next year. Cat I like to call Beanie. Ghetto retard, barely educated, brought up in a gang environment. Oh, that should be a pretty easy transition for you, then. What? I fucking hate hip-hop. You hate hip-hop? Come on. Oh, what? A black man can't hate hip-hop? I bet you tell me my favorite food's watermelon. I just can't live without chicken, huh? Just gonna snatch up my brother badge if I ain't bumping some hip-hop. You're putting words in my mouth. Hey, man, listen to me. Hip-hop is the unwanted bastard son of superior musical forms like jazz, blues. These kids don't know anything about Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, but hey, when it's required of me, I be pulling hos out the club, flashing knots and nines on these niggas. You know how I do, pimp. Like I said, should be a pretty easy transition for you. Little too convincing, Culham. Fuck you. Excuse me. Excuse me. The keys to 409, please? Excuse me? Of course, sir. Sorry, I'm still new. Culham, what do you got? (O VER RADIO) All clear down here. Good, good. Just stop short of blowing strangers for bags of crack. Osterberg, how's the view? Wide open and whisper-quiet. All right, keep it primed, keep them peeled. All clear here, Baker. BAKER: Copy that. Let's get all-around sit-reps every 20. Copy that. Hey, how's my paesan doing? Fat and getting fatter. DUMARE: Fucking fatty. Hey! Hey! Hey, watch it. DUMARE: Stakeouts equal flab, Abrego. Sit-reps every 20. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah? Evening, neighbor. I'm Troy from next door. I just want to make sure that you got settled in all right. I'm okay, thank you. A beautiful woman like you in a town like Chicago... As your neighbor, I just wanted to extend every hospitality I can. Hmm. And what's that hospitality consist of? What was it? Troy? Mmm-hmm. So, so many things. (BOTH CHUCKLING) You like to get loco, huh? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, really crazy. What about experimenting? Baby, I'm at your disposal. (CHUCKLES) No. You will be. BAKER: What do the cards say, Walter? Wish I knew. I never could get into cards. My grandfather, he would sit at the kitchen table and just wile away for hours. Always seemed a bit more of a time-killer to me. Well, that's not surprising. You're a man of action. Cards are more cerebral. Are they, now? So do you have family, Walter? This is my wife, Elizabeth, and my daughter, Mary. Wow, really... Wow, they're like mirrors to one another. Your wife is beautiful. There you go. That's mine. Amelia. I never figured you for a father. You almost seem shocked. Sorry. Pardon me. Well, that right there's my pride and joy. So were mine. Tractor-trailer on the beltway lost... Lost control. (TIRES SCREECHES) (CRASHES) I lost all the things I love, but through all the horrible, horrible things we have to go through, I still find that one thing worth living for. What's that one thing? NICHOLAS: Sir? I'm sorry, Walter. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Who is it? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) MAN: Agent Dumare? Who's there? (SILENCED GUNSHOT) BAKER: Miss me? JULES: A girl doesn't want to seem too eager. Go secure for encrypt. Line secure. BAKER: What's on the grid? Nothing. You're completely spectral, and your location through everything we've been monitoring is spotless, but we did find something on our mystery man. He's been on the radar for about three years and he's been a very busy boy. Brokered at least two dozen high-profile contract kills. This guy has worked schoolboy hard to shield his ID, but I think we got a name. I mean, most likely an alias. Hal Leuco. Hal Leuco? Okay, do me a favor. See if you get any cross-corollary hits with ViCAP. Check the right-wing stuff. You know, those Limbaugh assholes, just like the boys you used to date. Never been that lucky. What are you thinking? I don't know. Maybe nothing. I just got a gut thing on this one. You got it, honey. And your heart forever? You've always had that. Bye. (SIGHS) This town's got more tunnels than Ho Chi Minh's whorehouse. The whole city's a warren of the wicked and depraved. Speaking of depraved, you lay a paw on me again, I'm gonna shove that RPG where the sun refuses to shine. (CHUCKLES) Remember old Bobby Dubap, y'all? Down out of Tulsa? That shitstain got himself keistered with an RPG. Did they fire it? Fire it? (LAUGHING) I'm telling you, boy. I mean, if you took the time now to bother to stuff a collapsible shoulder-launch RPG up somebody's bunghole, don't you think you'd fire it? Wouldn't you feel just a little let down if you didn't? (LAUGHING) Why would you put it up there in the first place? I don't know. You got your thumb up there most of the time. Why don't you tell me? Y'all are real at each other right now. Ah, don't pay him no mind. His brother Jeeves, brother Darwin up to stir, see? Now he thinks he's fit, maybe, to take over this clan. I'd rather be incarcerated than have to sit here and listen to your jibberjabber. Yeah, I can see that. You'd last about one minute up in the pen. (LAUGHING) Yeah, you'd really be reckoning with your feminine side. Yeah, well, there's gonna be reckoning, old boy, right quick. "There's gonna be a reckoning, old boy." BAKER: Good to see you're prepared. Staying focused. BAKER: Good to see you're prepared. Staying focused. Oh, I am. I'm utterly focused on that rack. Is that not a majestic set of tits? What? Are you being serious? What? You're joking, right? What? What the hell you talking about? Vandeven is a transvestite. What? Her vagina was made with, like, the scrotum sack. She's, like, 85% man. Come on. Come on, Red. Oh, fuck. Are you serious? I didn't know. Seriously? No. Go relieve Abrego and O'Keefe. Okay. Okay, Bake. You guys, you got to knock that Gearbox shit off. And if that kid gives me lip about it, I am gonna permanently alter his speech pattern, I'm serious. All right, take the kid with you. Try not to kill him. Come on. Jesus, you guys. Rookie, let's go. (COCKS GUN) You're worried about something. Lot of steel and concrete between you and anyone that wants to get to you. A name did come up, though. Hal Leuco. That ring any bells? No. Never heard of it? Never came across your desk? I haven't been involved in that level of intel in quite some time now, but if I was, I would've cross-referenced it. A name as distinctive as Al Leuco. Hal Leuco. Walter, if you know anything... Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful. Hey! Hey, neighbor. I knew you were a working girl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Slow down, slow down, stud. Hey. I just got paid, okay? Make this shit happen. (LAUGHS) Wait. Troy. What? Troy. I like to be seduced, Troy. I like to be kissed slowly. I didn't think you whores went for the mouth. Think of all the grateful women who will be spared your charms. Hmm? (MAN COUGHS) Asshole. (SINGING) Ae fond kiss, and then we sever Look, maybe it's not just about Weed. Why the 19th of April? Look, maybe it's not just about Weed. Why the 19th of April? What's the significance of that? Well, that's gonna take some real time, sweetie, a search that broad. I'm gonna get the whole world back. Well, press it, okay? Something feels off. I ran Hal Leuco by him and he had no recollection. But I did get some preliminary kickback on that name crosscheck with potential link to what looks like some kind of veil or shadow op codenamed "True Patriot." True Patriot? Now, where'd that data come from? It's just a random hit off this right-wing militia blog, which went off post-9/11. Okay, dig it out for me, will you, babe? We always do. Baker for overwatch. Dumare, you copy? Dom? Sit-rep. Where you at? Dumare, you copy? Dom? All clear here. Good. Let's hope it stays that way. All right, boys, we're getting into the witching hour. That's when the party starts, or the people go home and go to sleep. Let's hope for the best and expect the worst. I want you to keep your shifts rotating. The next three hours are critical. Anything looks out of place, I want you all over it. Keep your mind tight and your step light. Baker out. Hey, man. Help a brother out. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD APPLAUDING) (MAN WHISTLES) Baker, do you copy? Okay. Remember now, honey pie, 3:00 a.m. And $3,000,000. Put the fear of God in them. You'll hear me coming, Daddy. Lester, you just try and keep your hands off your pecker, now. What can I get for you? What are you offering? That depends what you have a taste for. And if my taste runs toward musicians who happen to have their own club? Hey, that makes you an epicurean, baby. Excuse me. Mike Gooding, CYA Records. I just listened Nice. To that set, man. Very impressed, very impressed. My man. Welcome to Little Jazz. Hey, you want to Thank you. Meet the band? Sure. All right. Enjoy the show. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Too much oil. Excuse me? You use too much oil. You're wearing Caron Poivre, which is a good fragrance for you, but it's being ruined by the oil. Bravo. You're very good about the perfume, but I don't use oil on my skin. I didn't mention anything about your skin. Think it's on the gun you're wearing. I think tonight's gonna end very badly between us. Overwatch, we got a vehicle pulling up. Like a low-rent Cirque du Soleil-type thing. It's being towed by a garbage truck. That pretend street urchin smells like John Law from here. Probably a couple hawks on the roof. It's time to set your brother loose. (CHUCKLING) OSTERBERG: Dom, do you copy? Overwatch. What's wrong with this thing? I'm not getting anything. Overwatch, do you copy? Copy that. Check it out. Copy that. (GROANING) Osterberg! (THUDS) Dumare, I got an agent down, I got an agent down. Dom. Dom. (EXCLAIMS) Injuns two, cowboys zero. Okay, so we got some things on the date. April 19th. On current or planned events we drew nothing, but historically, Baker, some stuff came up. Oklahoma City bombing took place on April 19th. Both the Bay of Pigs and the siege at Waco ended April 19th, and what a lot of Americans don't realize is that April 19th was originally Patriot's Day. But, Baker, April 19th was the day that Weed lost his family. Jesus Christ. What the hell is True Patriot? From what I can glean, some kind of reverse PR campaign against the United States on or around the time of widespread international criticism of the US government. So we already look bad, and this is supposed to make us look worse. Okay, what kind of ops are we talking about? Torture of prisoners in US custody, all photographed. Radiation poisoning of a Russian official by the CIA. Murder of an Iraqi family, supposedly by a US soldier, and the bombing of a subway in an allied country in order to sway support against the Iraqi war. All carried out under the banner of True Patriot. Prisoner torture, that's Abu Ghraib. Radiation poisoning, Litvinenko. Iraqi family murders, Mahmudiyah killings. Train station bombings, Madrid subway attacks. Look, I want you to dig deep on this. Okay? I want bank accounts, I want anything and everything... Already done. We got classic shells, offshore, so no one who wasn't staring at them would ever connect them to True Patriot. They're similar to the tracking accounts this Hal Leuco character is using to go after Weed. Nice. Osterberg. (GRUNTING) LESTER: Hey! Don't shit yourself, son. It's just me. Hi! I look like that dude, the one in Platoon. He's in Sniper. "One shot, one kill!" (LAUGHS) All these gentlemen callers competing for your attention. I like the single life. Look, this situation, you know what they say. Two heads are better than one. Bigger targets. I don't need your help. Then why haven't you killed me already? The night's still young. Well, hello, handsome. (BEEPS) Walter, why didn't you tell me that today, April 19th, is the day your wife and daughter died? It hadn't occurred to me. Someone says you're gonna die, the last thing you think about is the date. Something's not right here, Walter. You know how some people, they get a trick knee before it rains? You see, I get this twinge in my gut and it's never let me down, and right now it's telling me either you or this situation is full of shit. Which one is it? Is it? That's outrageous, Agent Baker. Yes, and I resent what you're implying. I have given the better part of my life to this bureau and my country. You have no right to speak to me this way. Hey, paesan. You check out the Latina at the bar, man? Sexy as fuck, but man, I don't trust it. It's got this serious-ass black-widow vibe type thing. I don't know about her bullet-head boyfriend, either. Dom. I'll keep an eye on her. What's with you, man? You okay? I'm fine. All right, man. FRITZ: Come on, come on. Move your sorry ass. Time is a-wasting. All right, spuds. Fire in the hole. What the hell was that? REDSTONE: What? Oh, fuck. Where's our generator? Are you serious? Everybody be cool. A little power outage. Happens all the time. Go with me on this. Everybody freeze. This woman's a wanted criminal. Who the fuck are you? Mike Gooding, FBI. I've been following this woman for three days. She's a wanted murderer. Now get Baker on the line. Baker, you getting this? Baker, do you copy? Dom, did you get a movement order on this? Is he with you? Man, fuck this. Everybody relax, this fucking second. Deep breaths, dry palms. We're gonna take care of the situation. I want everybody within the sound of my voice to place their weapons on the ground. Slowly. (LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) (WHOOPING) (BOTH LAUGHING) I believe we's ranged. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) Reload! BABY BOY: Yeah! (GRUNTING) (YELLING) (GRUMBLING) Oh, shit! (ALL LAUGHING) BAKER: Someone's compromised this operation. We were invisible. We were fucking invisible. (BREATHES HEAVILY) Wait! Wait till it's safe! I'm not paid to play safe. Fuck! (EXCLAIMS) (GROANS) (YELLING) MALCOLM: Shit! (CRYING) I should've listened to you. Not my strong suit, I guess. It never was. BAKER: Dumare, where is my overwatch? BAKER: Nick? NICHOLAS: Link's still down, sir. Can anybody up there hear me? Osterberg? Abrego? Somebody? ABREGO: Copy that, Chief. Our door is still sealed. Locking mechanism unaffected. You hold your position. You kill anything you don't know. You understand me? Jules, overwatch is down or dead. I need full response, all available agents. I repeat, full armed response. Copy, Chicago field office deploying now. Send me everything you got. We're under siege here. I'm on it. Are you okay? No, not at all. Fuck! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, baby, go wide! Hit the deck! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hey! Check this one out! (LAUGHING) That's not a close-quarters weapon. You could've killed us all, shit for brains! (EXCLAIMS) God damn it! And that's for taking the Lord's name in vain. I've been shot. I've been gut shot. Abrego, please. Can't you see I'm dying out here. Baker, I got Dumare on the other side of the elevator door. DUMARE: Open the goddamn door! ABREGO: He's hit. He needs medical attention immediately. What the hell is he doing down there? Dom, what are you doing in the bar? Why aren't you at your post? What's he doing? Abrego, keep that door sealed. What are you talking about? He's hit. He's in a bad fucking way, man. Bullshit! Stand down, Abrego. What, are you fucking nuts? We gotta get him out of there. Not till Baker gives the okay. Do not open that door. (WHIMPERING) I'm feeling cold, and I know that's really bad. Wait, wait. Now. (SCREAMS) My eyeholes! (YELLING) (BEEPING) (BEEPING RAPIDLY) (GROANS) Oh, dear me. Baby Boy. You did real good. There's a time for tears, Daddy, but this ain't it. There's money for the taking. $3,000,000 worth. Do not open that door. Step away, man. Open the door. It's fucking Dom, Now! For Christ's sakes. I am not letting him die three fucking feet from me. Stand down now! Abrego. (GRUNTING) BAKER: Abrego, this is a direct order. Hold on, Dom! Do not open that door! Do you understand me? Fuck. I'm coming! What the fuck, Dom? (GRUNTS) You're not Dom. (GRUNTING) (YELLS) Sir, I've got gunfire in the stairwell. Proceed with extreme prejudice. You are our last line of defense. (EXCLAIMS) Hold your fire! Hold your fire! It's me! It's Dumare! I think I'm hit! These guys are on my ass! I'm coming out! FRITZ: Hell! Jules, where's my backup? They're en route. But, Zane, listen to me, the contractors... Jules, the fucking ceiling is coming down. The assassins targeting Weed all have extensive government kill sheets. Wetwork for Uncle Sam. So you're saying that they've targeted US government agents before? No, that's just it. All of the vendors have been classified "liquidator," and at one point or another have engaged in illegal covert activity for the US government. Do you hear me? They've worked for us. Jules? Jules? Shit. You've been lugging that damn rocket around like a Afghani at a fucking Bar Mitzvah! Shoot that sucker! Hold on! Hold on down there! Hold your fire for a second! Any of you want to see my sister's tits? What? JULES: How far away is tactical response? JENNY: It's 20 out. Local PD's onsite in three. Just stay on it. Get my line back up. What the fuck is that? NICHOLAS: Sir? I'm a businessman. I'm here to negotiate with Mr. Weed. Stand down. Relinquish your weapon and get in the prone position. If you don't let me in, your man's no use to me. (EXCLAIMS) SOOT: Deal or no deal? No deal. God damn it, Bake. Open the door. Shut up. You're wasting time, and he's losing blood. (SCREAMS) No matter what you do, I will not open this door and if you kill that man, I swear to God, I will hunt you down. Repeat. I will hunt you down like a dog and kill you if it's the last thing I do. I'll make sure that it is. Will that door hold? It's got to. If our intel's correct, three minutes, it's roll credits. If he's not dead at 3:00 a.m. Exactly, there's no payment. Cheer up, Houdini. You're about to live through this. Y'all mind if I crash your little party? Eeny... Walter! ...meeny miny moe. Walter, you okay? Yes. Nick. Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh, shit. Look, okay, okay. No, no. No, no. No. No, no. No, no, no. Cover his chest, cover his chest, cover his chest. Cover his chest. Wound. Right here. Wound, wound, wound. Okay, look at me. Breathe. Breathe. You're okay. What is happening to me? No, no, you'll... (SHUSHING) No, no. Lay down, lay down. No, no. No. No, no. REDSTONE: Just breathe. Come on. No, no. Open your eyes. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick. BAKER: Come on. Come on. Come on. Fuck! Hit him again, lummox. Two more minutes and we're shit out of luck. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get away from that goddamn door. Hey, hey, hey. This is a dead man's switch. There's enough C-4 explosives wired to my chair to bring down this entire bunker. If I release this button, it detonates the explosives. Okay, okay. I can take him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. Take three steps back, okay? Just stand down. Just hold on. Requesting permission to terminate target. No, Red. Stand down. Red! He is a goddamn suicide bomber, Bake. A dozen men are dead. Red! No! (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Whoa! All right? Everything's cool. Everything's cool. Red, you okay? Do I look like I'm fucking okay? No, you just shot me! See? Red's okay. Walter, you're a government official. You're about to murder your own. For the greater good. There are men outside that door that are wanted enemy combatants directly aligned against our country. They have engaged in the most heinous acts ever perpetrated against the United States. In 40 years, I have never had the opportunity to do anything heroic. Walter, this isn't heroic. This is sanctioned murder. You're sweeping up for somebody, Walter, okay? Hal Leuco fed you a line of bullshit, and now they're using you, Walter. I am not being used. I lied to you. I am well aware of True Patriot, a vicious, coordinated assault by animals like Finbar McTeague conducting tortures in the name of American interests. He stages these sessions, photographs them, and disseminates the pictures around the world. And Ariella Martinez, mercenary, well-versed in exotic poisons and toxicology. She liquidates a Russian dissident with radioactive poison used only by the US military. (CHOKING) Lazlo Soot. He murders an Iraqi family and pins it on a US soldier. Those crazed hillbillies, the Tremors? The True Patriot is a fabrication. Hal Leuco made it up. They blew up a train station in Spain. It swayed a major election, voted in a liberal president, who then pulled his support on the Iraqi war. NEWSCASTER 1: 191 people were killed today, and more than 2,000 were... NEWSCASTER 2: It seems the train targeted by the bombers were either in station or... (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) These are cold-blooded mercenaries and killers in open warfare against our government. They have been sent a contract on me to lure them here, where I can terminate all of them. Okay, Walter, wait a minute. Everything you know about True Patriot is a lie. Yes. Hal Leuco, whoever or whatever the fuck he is, he's been planning on using you for months, maybe even years in advance. Yes, Walter. They planted these stories. They stitched them together to get you here to this moment. It's blowback, Walter. Everyone you mentioned, all those enemy combatants, yeah, they've done some sinister things, Walter, but on behalf of the US government, and now they want them dead. Do you see what's happening here? This isn't about patriotism. This is about No. Eradication. Yes, and that's what they're doing to you, Walter. No. Don't let them. Don't. My wife and my daughter were taken from me. By what? Chance? Ideas live on, Agent Baker. People don't. And when I roll out that door and detonate these explosives, I join the grid of destiny. I will be remembered. I will be history. You have a choice. Destiny's plaything, or avenging angel? Please don't do this. Please don't do this, Walter. Walter, please. Fuck. Come on. Come on. (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) FRITZ: Help me. Help me, boy. (CACKLING) Help me. Help me. Help me, boy. I'll help you, you old fucker. (GUNSHOT) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (COUGHING) MAN 1: Sir? Sir, are you okay? MAN 2: Hey, buddy, you all right? Gun! He's got a gun! Whoa! I'm Agent Baker. I'm in charge. Don't. Don't move. Get down on the ground. Get down on the ground. VEJAR: Get off him! He's FBI. You four, lock this place down, check for survivors. See to Lester Young there while you're at it. Agent Baker, I'm Special Agent Anthony Vejar. I know you've been through hell, but I'm out of time. Where's Walter Weed? He's dead. You can verify that? You saw him die? You saw a body? He blew himself up into a million pieces. I'm gonna ask you one more time. Did you see a body? Did you actually see him die? He was sitting on enough C-4 to level downtown Chicago. He was a suicide bomber. There's no body to recover. We have reason to believe that Walter Weed was Hal Leuco. What? We think Leuco was some sort of cleanup man, taking care of old assets like the Tremors, McTeague, Lazlo Soot, in order to eradicate any link to True Patriot, anyone he'd dealt with personally. There's an element of shadow government behind this. CIA, NSA, agency in the black. It's unclear, but you and your men were used, co-opted. Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. My team did an extensive background check. They tracked Weed all the way back to his childhood. He worked for the agency, for God's sakes. It was all fabricated. Leuco papered, disseminated information in the agency to create the illusion of Weed. Hal Leuco isn't even a real name. It's short for Haliaeetus leucocephalus. It's Latin for "bald eagle." BAKER: You want bald eagles on your playing cards, I think you've earned it. BAKER: You want bald eagles on your playing cards, I think you've earned it. The assassins, the money we were tracking, where did all that come from? As Walter Weed, Leuco had access to bureau intel, everything we'd been working on domestically. As Hal Leuco, he was privy to more than his share of CIA ops. We were a week away from proving the connection between the two when this happened. $3,000,000. That is mmm-mmm good. I'm glad. How could he get away with two identities, working at the highest level of intelligence? Leuco is a ghost, a will-o'- the-wisp. Now you see him, now you don't. That's why I needed to know, did you see him die? Are you sure? How could he survive that blast? How the hell did you do that? I can't tell you that. It'll spoil it. Son of a bitch. Southside bar owner Malcolm Little had no idea this morning that his place of business would be the scene of a massive gas leak explosion. Firefighters are on the scene... Hey, charlie, check this out. Here's something nobody has ever seen before. Gabe is brushing his hair. Do you have to videotape everything we do? This isn't a reality show. Oh, I know it's not reality because he took a shower without being asked. You know what I think? I think you like someone. What if I do? No big deal. Are you kidding? Your first crush is a huge deal. Look, she is a girl. I'm a guy. These things happen every day. Not to you. I know. Can you believe it? Hey, kids, come on, let's go. P.J. Honey, can you watch charlie after school? I have to work. I can't. I'm working too. I can take charlie with me if you want. You want to help your big brother deliver chicken? Or you could come to the hospital And help mommy change bedpans. You take her. Gabe, are you wearing aftershave? A little. Why would you do that? You're not shaving yet. As long as we're being logical, why do you still have a comb? Get in the car. ♪ today's all burnt toast ♪ ♪ running late, and dad says ♪ ♪ has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪ ♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪ ♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪ ♪ there it is up on the roof ♪ ♪ I've been there, I've survived ♪ ♪ so just take my advice ♪ ♪ hang in there, baby ♪ ♪ things are crazy ♪ ♪ but I know your future's bright ♪ ♪ hang in there, baby ♪ ♪ there's no maybe ♪ ♪ everything turns out all right ♪ ♪ your life is up and down ♪ ♪ but trust me, it comes back around ♪ ♪ you're gonna love who you turn out to be ♪ ♪ hang in there, baby. ♪ Sycn by Hana.Bean Gabe's voice: Okay, this is my chance. Don't blow it. Say something to her. H-h-hi, kit. Hellllooo, kit! Yo yo yo, kit! My mouth's so dry. I need juice. It's juice. This is not pee. That went well. ( doorbell rings ) Is your sister home? Yes. Who was that? Mrs. Dabney with her stupid questions. ( doorbell rings ) I have a follow-up question-- May I speak to your sister? What can I do for you, mrs. Dabney? I'm going out of town for a couple of days And I was wondering if y'd be kind enough To look after my cat caboodle. Oh, I don't know. I'm awfully busy. I'll pay you $20 a day. My schedule just opened up. Mm-hmm. - I can trust you, right? - Of course. You do seem to be the least disturbed of all the duncan kids. What an almost sweet thing to say. You need to know that caboodle Is the most important thing in the world to me. How's mr. Dabney doing? Like I said, love that caboodle. - ( rings doorbell ) - woman: Who is it? Kwikki chikki. - Oh, hello. - Hi, it's $21.07. Oh, okay. Who is this cutie pie? I'm p.J. I meant the other cutie pie. Oh, this is charlie. She's my baby sister. Why, isn't she the most precious thing in the whole world? Yeah, my mom's at the hospital, so I'm looking after her. Oh, you poor dear. Keep the change. Are you sure? This is almost a $20 tip. Oh, you need it more than I do, What with your mom being in the hospital and all. Oh, you think my mom is in-- I'm not gonna lie to you. It's been hard. Enjoy your chicken. Charlie, welcome to the chicken delivery business. Give him dry food twice a day And make sure his water bowl is always filled. Oh, and my sister virginia is coming by later for a play date. You want me to have a play date with your sister? Not you-- caboodle. Virginia brings her cat stanley over. What a ridiculous name for a cat. - Caboodle? - Stanley. Oh, I should go. But so my little caboodie won't make a scene, You need to distract him. Should I pretend to be a mouse? Yes. - I was joking. - I wasn't. - The cat seems fine to me. - I'm paying you. Now put him down and act like a mouse. Squeak squeak. You can do better than that. Bare your teeth, wiggle your nose And act like you're eating a piece of cheese. Now keep doing that for 20 minutes, And he should be fine. Goodbye, my caboodle. Teddy honey, did you lose something? Only my dignity. Mom, can you help me with something? Sure, honey. What can I do for you? Well, I have this friend And he needs to know how to talk to girls. Does this friend have a name? No-orman. That's an odd name. Well, I think he's from no-orway. Gabe honey, I'm your mom. You don't have to be embarrassed About telling me about your first crushy-wushy. I'm just gonna go look it up on the internet. No no no, it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so what have you said to her so far? Um, I said, "that was juice, not pee." And then she walked away. Oh, no-orman. Every time I get near her, My heart starts pounding, my hands get all sweaty And I can't speak. Oh, you've got it bad. I remember my first crush. Was it dad? Sure, why not? So what do I do? How do I talk to her? Well, when you start to get a little nervous, Just ask her questions. Let her do the talking. Find things you have in common. So just ask her stuff and listen to the answers? That sounds easy. Sure. Relationships are a piece of cake. That's why married people are always so happy. Did dad ever get nervous talking to you? Oh, when your dad and I first started dating We didn't do a lot of talking. Mostly we just-- Just what? Played checkers-- Lots and lots of checkers. - P.J.: Hey, dad. - Hey. You're taking care of charlie tomorrow afternoon, right? I believe I am. You know, I was thinking maybe she should come to work with me. Why? Because I feel I didn't do enough to help out When teddy and gabe were babies. Enough? You didn't do anything. I know. And it haunts me. It haunts you? Yes. That's why I have to make it up to you with charlie. Okay. Love you, dad. Oh, that boy's up to something. I should probably get into this. Eh, he's all the way upstairs. Gabe's voice: Listen and find things in common. Listen and find things in common. - Hi. - Hi. Tell me about yourself. Why? I mean, only if you want to. Okay, what do you want to know? Tell me about your family. Oh, the family. Actually there's not much to tell. I'm an only child. Me too. Cool. What else? Well, my parents are divorced. Mine too. - Who do you live with? - Who do you live with? - My mom. - Me too. Wow, we really have a lot in common. You kn, I had a eling we might. Want half of a peanut-butter sandwich? No, thanks. I'm allergic tpeanuts. Me too. You d'do much, do you? Hey hey, catch. Or stay. Good cat. ( doorbell rings ) Mrs. Dabney, why are you back here? Oh, I'm not estelle. I'm her sister virginia. Wow, you really look like mrs. Dabney. Except for my laugh lines. Estelle doesn't have any of those. Gabe, this is mrs. Dabney's twin sister virginia. This is my brother gabe. Oh, you look like a nice little boy. Would you like some candy? Only if you eat one first. You're as cute as the dickens. Okay, this is dang freaky. Okay, stanley. Let's go play with caboodle. Here we go. - Uh-oh. - What's wrong? Caboodle always gets excited when stanley arrives. He's just been lying on the couch all day. Do you think he's sick? You'd better hope not. I'd hate to be in your shoes If something happened to my sister's baby. Well, it's not my fault. She'd understand that, right? Oh, yeah. She's very understanding. Come on, caboodle, perk up. This does not look good. Oh, I know what will cheer you up-- Mr. Mouse, right? This does not look good either. The whole family's pitching in to help out with charlie, Because my mom's in the hospital. Thank you. And thank you. Used to be her Halloween costume, But with mom in the hospital, We can't afford to buy her a winter coat-- A new winter coat. - Is your mom any better? - The same, But we're trying to be brave. You poor thing. Aww. It's hardest on the little ones. Whenever we visit mom in the hospital, Charlie does this. Mama mama mama. Warren, get out here! And bring your wallet! Thanks for coming on such short notice, dr. Tushy. It's pronounced "tushy." you don't have to thank me. Caboodle dabney is one of my favorite patients. I didn't know veterinarians made house calls. Oh, they don't. I'm a therapist. A therapist for cats? And birds. But never at the same time. You only make that mistake once. Uh-huh. Huh. Oh. ( sighs ) So what's wrong with caboodle? Well, his aura is off. His chakras are out of line. How's his poop? Fine. How's yours? Well, that's a little personal, But since you ask, super good and getting better. Maybe we should get back to the cat, dr. Tushy. It's "tushy." Tushy. - Huh-uh, tushy. - Tushy? Tushy tushy tushy. - Do you have a first name? - Tish. Tish tushy? "doctor." Anyway, can you fix him? No. But you can. Caboodle is feeling abandoned. He needs to know he's safe and secure. Now close your eyes and send him a thought To let him know you care. Can't you give him a shot or--? Send him a thought. Send him a thought. Send him a thought. Do you have a thought? Oh, I'm having a few of them. ( doorbell rings ) - Kit. - Hi, gabe. - What are you doing here? - I told my mom all about you And we just wanted to say hi. Yeah, it is so wonderful that kit met someone With a family just like ours. Okay. Do you mind if we come in? Yeah, sure, I guess. Okay. You know, I'll actually be right back. Okay. I have a big problem. What are you doing? I'm readjusting caboodle's aura. Duh. - I'm in big trouble. - What's wrong? - The girl I like is here with her mom. - What's wrong with that? I told her mom and dad are divorced And I'm an only child. What am I gonna do? Okay, the first thing you're gonna do is calm down. Your negative energy is upsetting the cat. You gotta help me. Okay, relax, Or later you're gonna have trouble with your poop. Teddy. Fine, I'll go and get rid of them. Wait, they can't know you're my sister. Right, so I will be somebody else. Hi, I'm teddy, the housekeeper. See? Hi, I'm dana. This is kit. Why are you wearing a cat? Because in my country we have a saying "the house looks its best when a cat's On your chest." What country is that? Canada. Mrs. Duncan isn't home and I have a house to clean, So as we say in my country, "oot." "oot oot." Okay, could you just tell her we stopped by? You betcha. Hey, everybody. - Who's that? - That's the chicken delivery guy. - Dude, what's with the cat? - None of your business. And don't call me "dude," chicken delivery guy. Now come out to the porch Where I will teach you how to use a doorbell. You know what's weird? He didn't have any chicken. He's just here to take our order. Then another guy comes and delivers it. It's not a good system. I'm the chicken delivery guy. See? That is such an adorable baby. Is she--? Part of the promotion. Right, p.J., Which may or may not be your name? That's right. A promotion. Kwikki chikki is introducing Baby back ribs. And they make you carry around a baby? That comes from corporate. They have no idea what it's like out in the field. Look who's here. Who is here? - Hi, I'm bob. - The exterminator. Yeah, I'm a little more than that. Why are you wearing a cat? Oh, forget the cat. There is a skunk in the backyard And I demand you go exterminate it right now. What are you talking about? Skunks don't come out during the day. Well, then go out and tell him that. Sorry about that. He does good work, but he's a little chatty. Mom? No! Well, hello to you too. - Hello. - Hi, I'm dana. I'm kit's mom. - I'm amy. - This baby is so cute. Isn't she? She sure makes me want some baby back ribs. Beg pardon? - No skunk back there. Oh, hey, sweetie. - Hey. Wow, you're very friendly with the exterminator. I do sleep next to him every night. - I didn't realize you had a boyfriend. - She's got a what? The exterminator is your boyfriend. The exterminator is my husband. - So you remarried? - I was never divorced. Well, kit told me you were. Because that's what gabe told me. I may have told a teeny little lie. Sorry. I just wanted you to like me. Gabe, you should have just told me the truth. I know. And I promise, From now on I'll always be completely honest with you. - I'm back. - Now who's this? That's either virginia who's nice and gives out candy Or mrs. Dabney-- her evil twin. We're out of here. Well, charlie, the good news is caboodle's fine. Turns out all he needed was a trip to the litter box. But the bad news is gabe's romance with kit is over. Well, the good news is I don't have to shower anymore. That's really good news. So if your brother gabe goes to give you a hug, Well, good luck, charlie. Don't worry. That won't happen. Hey, mom, charlie and I have to work a double tomorrow. What? Why do you keep taking charlie to work? Because I love her. ( doorbell rings ) Nobody? - May I help you? - I just wanted to drop off this casserole. Excuse me? Well, with p.J.'s mom being in the hospital And him practically having to raise charlie on his own-- It's just so sad. You think-- Gosh, that smells good. It is sad. - I find when people are in need-- - thank you. Kids, dinner's ready. - ( doorbell rings ) - It's open. There's another one? There's another one? - What? - I don't know. We're the world famous queens of ***, Winsconsin. We were the biggest news story of 1958. This was supposed to be a family reunion. - What happened? - Estelle kicked us out. That woman's not right. Tell me about it! Devon is out of the spy business for good. Please don't say another mission, chuck. You're back! I'm hannah. If you ever find yourself in burbank, My assistant manager owes me about A million and a half favors. ¶ ¶ Stop the presses! Who is that? Vicky vale... : ¶ vicky vale! Vick, uh, vicky vale! ¶ ¶ vibby-doo-dibby-doo, vicky vale! Vick, uh, vicky v... ¶ Do you remember when sarah first walked into the buy more? What was it like? Was it love at first sight? I don't know, but whatever it was, It changed my life forever. Why? No reason. Morning, guys. Hi. Hey. Morning. All right, everybody, back to work! Real taskmaster, that, uh, morgan. yeah, I can tell. So, my first day As a nerd herder-- any advice? Oh. Uh, let's see, well, let's start With the five-cent tour, shall we? I like to consider myself the jack hannah Of this untamed wilderness. Me, safe; Everyone else, very dangerous. Yeah, a little creepy. But I am sure That you will protect me. Indeed, indeed. You stay by us, sister; you'll be safe. Charles. Hannah, lester, Jeff. Two of the finest members Of our buy moron staff. Hannah, namaste. Nice. All right, why don't we give jeff an opportunity To realize that he's in public? Thank you. So, I was going through the nerd herd manual last night, And I have a few questions about how to file an install. Let me get this straight. You went over the nerd herd manual in your off time? Are you gonna be a problem employee? Look, I know this isn't my dream job, But I thought that while I'm here, I would be the best nerd herder you have. Well, as you probably saw, That's not an insurmountable goal. You must be pretty committed, going to paris on an install? Yeah, uh, uh... Um, you know, about... About t h-that whole paris thing-- can we Just keep that between the two of us? I don't want everyone else getting jealous... Yogurt time. Oh, is it... Is it yogurt time already? Uh, yogurt, most important meal of the day. But don't worry, I will give you the full chuck bartowski tutorial When I get back, I promise. I'm gonna totally hit that. May the best stalker win. Oops. Hey, where's shaw? Off grid on a covert mission. It's not your concern Where agent shaw is, mr. Bartowski. Oh, uh, that's actually Agent bartowski no w - I don't know if you heard, But I completed my first solo mish last week. Paris. International op. But I guess you probably have been briefed. We've traced a large sum of money From an offshore ring account into a civilian account. I want to know why. What's the money for? The civilian's name is manoosh depak. Trained as a computer engineer, Dropped out of mit after his freshman year. Classic geek tragedy. Sound familiar? We sent a virus that destroyed the cpu Of his custom computer and bought up every series eight cpu Within 30 miles. He'll come into the buy more to replace it. Develop him as an asset, agent bartowski. Find out what he's doing for the ring. That's it? That's the whole... Mission? I'll have it done by lunch. Don't get cocky, bartowski. One mish does not an agent make. Chuck, you-you can't take this lightly. Developing an asset Is very tricky business. You need to insinuate yourself into their life And have them trust you completely, Knowing that one day you're probably gonna have to burn them. The trick is to find the hole in their life And fill it. With this manoosh loser, He's a loner, friendless. And the asset has entered the store. Showtime, bartowski. Don't worry, guys. Piece of cake. "mish." Chuck's not ready for an asset. We're advancing him too quickly. I'm worried. Your job's not to worry, it's to train. Three o'clock. He's with the newest buy moron. Can I help you, sir? Chuck, I got it. No, really, let me help. She's new here, still in training. Actually, I'd rather have her help me. No, chuck, I'm ready. I can handle a simple sale. It's okay. Hannah, no sales are simple. But don't worry, you will get your chance To shine as soon as you Are ready. Okay. Ah, sorry about that. Alone at last. What can I do you for? Nothing. Now that you ruined my flow with that hottie. Let me ring you up personally. Uh, are you from around here? Is that a burbankian Accent I detect? Woodland hills. See? I knew I heard The familiar twang of the san fernando valley. Your eyes are hypnotic. Chestnut? Hazel? Get a room, bartowski. You're not asking him out On a date. You know, I think I'll just get the cpu somewhere else. Wait, wait, wait! Won't you take me with you? Stop fooling around, keep your head in the car! Jin Ho! I bet you've never shouted out loud like that even once. Even when you get mad, you just keep it in. When you're sad, you keep it in too. Do you think I'm like Candy*. (*from manga Candy Candy) That's what I'm saying. Since you're not Candy, why do you keep your sadness and loneliness inside? I'm neither lonely nor sad. Bottling it up will make you sick. Here. Now even if you were to shout I won't hear a word, so just let it all out, yeah? Like that. Come on! Louder! Stop fooling with me, you're all gonna die! Like that. You go ahead and do it. I'm telling you to give it a try! It will really make you feel good inside. That's my wish, I'm telling you to give it a try! Don't do that! You'll cause an accident. You're using friendly speech! Jin Ho! Let's drop the formalities from now on. If I drop the formalities with you, who knows what you'll ask of me in future. Okay, in that case, we'll go for that one in future. For now, just give shouting a try. It's my wish! Just once, do it just once! Louder! Jin Ho, are you a man? Even a woman can do better! Like that! Yah! You're all dead! All right! Yah! You guys are all dead! Louder! Be a man! Here. So, after having given it a good shout, don't you feel better? A friend like me, it's good to have one, isn't it? Since we're already out, shall we do the last test? I'm not in the mood. Precisely, since you're not in the mood, so we should loosen it up! Aren't you curious about my results? I'm confident about doing well. Park Gae In. Yes? Don't fall for me. Because I won't love you. Yes... That's... That's... evident, isn't it? Is this the test, right here? I'll have to get into it. Please continue. So here we are, established lovers of many years. I'm going out with you because you look like a girl I used to date. I can't forget this girl. No matter how hard I try, I can't erase my memories of her. Perhaps in the future, I might call you by her name, ask you to behave as she used to... Would you be alright with that? That woman... You must have loved her a lot. Yes. I'll do it. Because I love you a lot, the requests of the one I love, I'll try my best to fulfill. Hey, Park Gae In! Is this what I taught you? How have you changed? You're as much of a fool as before, what's different about it? No, I... I couldn't help it... The words came out on their own... because you begged me so sincerely... How long do you plan to live to please others? Then... What should I have done? To love... is to throw your pride away. Love does not ask you to discard your pride. It's about protecting a person. Don't do this in future. Don't believe people so easily. Don't fall in love so easily. Don't forgive easily either. Please... Become stronger. I'll do that. I'll try harder. Then you shouldn't have accepted that jerk Chang Ryul's request. You'll never change. This all I have to teach you. Why? Don't you believe me? I'll work hard! I can change! Jin Ho, if you can't believe in me, who will? Go on in. What about you, Jin Ho? There's somewhere I have to go. Will you be late? I'm not sure. Although my eyes keep searching for that person Although my heart keeps constricting in pain I believed that it wasn't love I'm just a little lonely Is what I believed it was Like a fool, why didn't I figure it out? Like a fool, why did I let you go? Like a fool, my heart that's overflowing with tears Finally, it has finally come to know That my love belongs to that person alone Please... Be stronger. That person is... The only one I love That person is the only one who lulls my heart to sleep Like a fool I've finally figured it out That it keeps calling for that person Because I can't live without that person in my life Was this... Did you... Don't forget... that roses have thorns. When you come to understand this, I'll consider that you've passed. Hey, that... I've looked at the Jin Sun high school sports centre project, the conditions are better than expected. I see. And also... Yes, Kim In Hee? Manager seems to have gone to the villa. I'll send you details of the address, so you can look him up. When Director Choi went to the chairman's office, they got into a quarrel. I heard this from the secretary's office. So I think there's still a chance. Please don't give up. In any case, thank you very much. Good luck, Jin Ho! I thought the Dam Art Gallery project was finished for us. Why does Kim In Hee still call? Unni, what's up so early in the morning? Unni? This is good. That's right, from today, my gay disguise will be revealed. Young Sun, I'm a perfect man. Get it? You're doing fine? Ah, that's right! I noticed the last time that your skin wasn't very good, so I got you some vitamins and cosmetics. Just drink this with water. Once your skin is ruined, it's hard for it to regain its former state! Thank you, Unni. But, Unni... I have something to confess. What is it? Tell me, tell me. Actually, I... am a perfect man. Really? Of course not... Well, you don't look like one, Seriously... Actually... I also have something to confess. What, what, what? I haven't even told Gae In because I'm so embarrassed, I... What do you think of me, as a woman? What? Whether I see you as a woman? No! I just think that someone like you might be able to tell me objectively. As a woman, my charms, are they lacking? Unni, what are you saying? Unni, you're awesome! Unni, you're really very good! Isn't it? You're the best! I really... receive facial treatments often, and go to the gym regularly! Unni, your body is perfect! Unni, you're... perfect! Isn't that right? ! But then, why are you asking me that? It's just... nothing. So as a woman, I'm... good? Very good! Really? Meeting you has really been a real blessing to me! I need to use the restroom. Unni, don't forget this. You're so thoughtful. What do I do now? I'm getting addicted to acting gay. Waiter! Did you just get off work? What are you rushing about for? I told you the last time, my friend... has just given birth. Now I have to rush to see her now. Then shouldn't you have gone and come back earlier? Of course I have! I've been there and back, but the baby threw up in my hair. So I came back to watch my hair, and I'm returning there now. Be on your way then. Park Gae In. Why are you spouting such lies again? In Hee, you sure have a good appetite. Because you're a curator, I was worried you'd be picky. Yes, Mom, In Hee has always been like this, when confronted with good food, she forgets everything. That's right, they say people who aren't picky about food also get along well with people. But then, In Hee, you don't say much, do you? Besides saying "hello" when you came in, you haven't said much since then. I'll get you more! Say something! Why are you only eating? Didn't you bring me here just to eat? Even so... Delicious, isn't it? In Hee, you eat so well, it makes me happy. In Hee, let's have a long chat after dinner. How you first met Chang Ryul, how he proposed to you, from the first to the last, I'm so curious about everything! Mom, I'll tell you about all that. In Hee has always been introverted, so she doesn't say a lot. What are you doing here? You're really pathetic, Park Gae In. I heard you were going to battle it out with Jin Ho? How did that turn out? Dam Art Gallery? Of course I'd have liked to do that. But Dad was, as usual, one step ahead of me. In his typical manner. Your father? What did he do? He went and talked up to MS Group's Chairman Choi, and deprived Jin Ho even of the chance to take part. That's good then! Because of the long-standing family feud, I was afraid that you, the younger generation would also be affected. Why are you standing there? Come on here! I have something for In Hee... This. I received this when I married Chang Ryul's father. I want to give it to you. No, it's alright. Oh, how pretty! It suits you so well! Really pretty... It really is! Thank you so, so much for today. Why are you giving this to me? Mom gave it to you. She gave it to In Hee. In Hee... has no right to receive this. I have no reason to either. Gae In, even so... Since my mother gave it to you, do what you will with it. Do I even have to deal with such things? Whether you throw it away, or give it to In Hee, you can deal with it yourself. Gae In! What happened, did you choke? What on earth did you eat when you were supposed to go visit a newborn? Over there, I finished eating all the food people brought. I guess I ate too much. Go in and sleep. Jin... Jin Ho! I still don't feel very well. Can you help me prick my finger? I don't know how to do that. It's really simple. You just have to prick me with a needle right here. If it's so simple, do it yourself. Well, that... It's kind of scary to do it myself. I... No way, I can't do it. Jin Ho, quick, give it a jab! Right here? No, at this spot here. You know it so well... Right here? Yes. Were you planning to pierce through the finger? ! But there's really a lot of black blood coming out... Did... Did I do it well? Yes. It's alright now, isn't it? Yes. J.. Jin Ho! Your father and Chang Ryul's father, did they know each other? How did you know that? I suddenly remembered, I think Chang Ryul must have mentioned it long ago. What did that Chang Ryul say this time... I don't know about the concrete details. Chang Ryul's father used to work at my father's company. But then... Chang Ryul's father cooperated with a rival, and stole the company rights from my father. So that's what it is... When Jin Ho, you said you needed to be tougher on yourself... What's the use of being tough on myself? Even if I pushed myself hard to keep up, I'm still only jogging in place. Don't give up! It's not like you. Slyly manipulating behind the scenes, preventing you from taking part, doesn't that make you feel wronged? About that... how did you know? That... I heard people talk about it at the Gallery. Said that because of Chang Ryul's father's machinations, this happened to you. Go to bed. That is... Jin Ho. Let me make you something delicious. Didn't I say the last time? Even when there's something very tiring and wrongful, when you're sitting before a full table of dishes, you think that everything will be alright, once you eat and regain strength. You'll feel your energy come back to you. Be strong, Jin Ho. Why don't you start by not eating all kinds of rubbish yourself. [It's In Hee. This is the address of Director Choi's villa.] [Number 153, Chungpyung Myunsangchun-ri, Gapyung-gun. Good luck! ] Grab a fishing rod and sit next to me. What? With you glaring so fiercely like that, you're scaring all the fish away. Ah, yes. Have you tried fishing before? No. Take this. What's this? The fish here... like this best. They're still alive. Give it here. You surprised me, Director Jeon. I thought nothing scared you. Why... aren't you talking about the Dam Art Gallery project? It's the reason you came, isn't it? Right now, becoming your friend might be the better option. Have you... ever made a love declaration? Having lived so long, I've only done it once. I've also liked someone before. Mine was a junior at university. Mine too. How did it turn out? The problem was with me. Before falling in love, there were so many things I felt were worth doing. Do you regret it? Well... As for me... Because that person used to work part-time at the university library... Without skipping a day, I'd go to the library every single day. Then I naturally confessed my feelings. Even though it didn't last long, we fell in love. And then we broke up. Not much of a story, is it? Why... did you break up? To that person, my love was like a poison. That's why, I suggested the breakup first. The last time, that handkerchief I lent you was the only present I have from that person. Such a precious gift... Why did you... I suppose it's as you said, so that we could become friends. Because I've done everything I could, I have no regrets. The night sky I can see while sitting on Sanggojae's floor. I think I'll miss it a lot. In that case, all you have to do is to live here for a long, long time. You're here? Oh, Hyung, this... What's this? ! Isn't this Jin Ho hyung's? Precisely because it isn't his so I'm wearing it, you have the same one too? Because Jin Ho hyung has the same one, I bought the same one too! Are the two of you going out? Well, Hye Mi likes him, so I'm copying him! In future, whatever Jin Ho hyung wears or eats, I'll copy him. Hyung! Don't give this shirt to Sang Jun! He's going to stretch it! This kid... Tae Hoon, if you continue not recognizing the boundaries between work and personal situations, you should just quit. Wasn't Jin Ho hyung a bit too cold with me? It was because you're copying his dressing style like this! You... too... are copying his dressing... I'm different, Kid! My relationship with Jin Ho... has a secret side you know nothing about. Jin Ho, are you crying? Is it a sweet feeling? What would a kiss that consumes the darkness be like? Would the sky light up... What on earth am I doing? But that... what do you mean by that? Even if I'm not here, someone will take care of things for you, so don't worry and keep up the progress. But then why suddenly... Could it be... because of the Dam Art Gallery? Because of that, Director Jeon must be quite worried, right? Yes. The Dam Art Gallery, I'd like to challenge it. If it works out, I'll remain here. But if it doesn't, I'll have to leave. Director Choi! That's why I came here to tell you in person. Just in case, I don't have time to say goodbye when I have to leave. Well, then. Director Choi! Fighting! The concept has been finalized, hasn't it? Do you think they'll like it if we barge in there without an appointment and offer to give a briefing about our concept for the Dam Art Gallery project? Kid. Is that person someone for whom we should set aside a time especially? In order to settle this well, we'll have to be thick-skinned about it! Understand? That girl... Wasn't she the one who ruined your wedding? Chairman, what excellent vision you have, how can you remember a person you've only seen once? How did you know it was Park Gae In? What she's doing here... go and find out. Yes. You see, what did I say? Looking him up without making an appointment wouldn't work. Chairman! I've found out! Park Gae In is the daughter of Professor Park Chul Han. Director Choi asked her to design the childrens' recreation room and especially invited her. What? Who is whose daughter? Park Gae In is Professor Park Chul Han's daughter. You ditched Park Chul Han's daughter and went to get married with some unknown nobody? What's with that? Do you know who Park Chul Han is? He's a legend among legends in the construction field, and you dumped the daughter of this legend? ! Father, whoever's the daughter of whoever, is that important now? What did you say? Have you done anything right? Oh, I really... Is there really no more hope for the Dam Art Gallery project? Don't even mention it. When I tried looking up the homepage just now, it had been closed down. It looks like the participants aren't very happy about it. After a few days, I'm sure a confirmation will be out. In any case, I think you should take that shirt off. It really doesn't suit you. You're starting on this again? ! Take it off, I said take it off! I don't want to look like a couple with you! It really doesn't suit you, quick! Hey, the coffee! You spilt my coffee! You might as well take it off, then. What's there to take off? Take it off! I have no other clothes besides this! I don't care, just take it off! Really, don't be like this, I beg you, seriously. Just take it off, Hyung. Take it off... Gae In. This is... Don't tell me... The two of you... No, no... Let me explain. Sang Jun, how could you do this? You know very well what Jin Ho is going through now. As Jin Ho's lov... I'm really disappointed, Sang Jun. I really wanted to wish your love well. - How could you... - What's happening? No, that is... Gae In, she... misunderstood my relationship with Tae Hoon. You know you're the only one for me. Are you shy because Gae In is here? You and Tae Hoon should really... You're jealous, aren't you? Get out! Well done. A two-timing cad like that shouldn't be forgiven easily. We were never going out together. The two of us. What? You misunderstood from the start. What? G.. G... I... am actually not... You know, we really had a misunderstanding just now, I really don't have such a relationship with Tae Hoon. He's just a man. That guy is really... I nearly forgot why I came here! I just came from a meeting with Director Choi. The Dam Art Gallery project might turn out well after all, so he said not to worry. That's why I came here. He said he'd use his position as a stake. Using that as a stake to fight it out, he's sure to win, isn't he? That's why, don't feel too down about it. You could have just called to tell me such a thing. Your smiling face, I wanted to see it directly. Yes. Yes. Park Gae In still hasn't returned to the art gallery. Yes. He's next to me. Yes. Yes? It's Park Gae In! She's getting off from Jeon Jin Ho's car? What relationship do the two have? It's because of me. She knows I don't get along with him, so this is her revenge. I don't think that's the case... Chang Ryul! Hey! Joe! How long has it been now? I know, right? I heard you came to Korea. I heard you got married? That's right, she a curator in this art gallery, isn't she? Yes, well... I got married, didn't I... But then how did you know about that? Oh, Director Choi, I kind of know him. My friend is also considering holding her personal exhibition here, so I came with her to check it out. Is that so? You know Director Choi? Just a little, on exchange. In any case, because we weren't of the same kind, we weren't very close either. A different kind? What do you mean by that? Well... Director Choi is... special. Special? I don't understand. What's that supposed to mean? Well let me ask you something. Do you know what he likes? I don't know, you tell me. If I'd known it meant to much to you, I'd have returned it to you sooner. I'm sorry about that. Since you've returned it, it's all right. I've heard from Park Gae In. For the Dam Art Gallery project, you're going against the management and threatening to quit. Whichever way it turns out, I wanted to thank you. Do you know? Whenever I'm with you, I feel strangely happy. I feel the same way when meeting you. Then you must know I like you. I like you too. Is that true? Yes. You're a very attractive person. Come on, Joe, just spit it out! What is it? Ah, never mind, just forget it. Man, what's your problem? I was wondering about that anyway, so you've got to tell me what he likes, okay? Well... You'll never be able to fulfill his desire. What Director Choi likes is... A man. I'm sorry but... What did you just say? It's as you heard, from the first time I set my eyes on you, my heart stirred. And that day, when I heard about your preference, I felt there was a fateful connection between us. Surely not... Then... I didn't... wish to make another declaration. But since we're in the same boat, I believed you'd understand me. That's why... I gathered up the courage to confess now. I'm not... asking you to rush into a decision now. Slowly... we'll give each other time, to get to know each other first. Oh my... and who might this be? I thought a little nothing company like yours would surely have been eliminated from this project already. How is it that you still have things to do here? I'm not in the mood to speak with you, so just go. It's not it, is it? It couldn't be. The almighty Jeon Jin Ho wouldn't stoop to pretending to have queer leanings in order to seduce Director Choi, would he? If you want to fight it out, you shouldn't stoop to underhanded means. Why are you always hovering around here, you make me sick! What's this now? Were you trying to prove something? Well, I'm disappointed, really disappointed. Jeon Jin Ho, you're a disappointment. I didn't think you were the kind of person, who would make use of the fact that Director Choi was gay. I've never made use of him. Then what is it? Are you going out with him? Why are you always coming in and out of here, you make me sick! Answer me. Admit that you're making use of him. If not, are you really gay? Answer me. That's right. I'm... gay. Is that what it is? You're really... not even a man? What are you going to do? If he knew you were like this, how would your late father feel? His only son, letting such a thing happen to the family line. But then, when did you start being like this? You should really have told me earlier! If I'd known, even out of pity for you, I'd have given way for you, and not snatched things away. - And also... - Stop it! What are you, to sneer at this person? Gae In! What have you done so great to despise this person? It's not like Jin Ho wished to be born this way. Enough. Only a man who loves women is a man. Isn't a man who loves another man also a man? So you're saying you're a real man? Because you're such a man, you broke my heart like that? I said stop it! Jin Ho... Gae In! What's wrong with you now? Let go. Jin Ho. Let's talk. What's there to talk about? I have nothing to say. Get lost. Park Gae In! What on earth is your relationship with that jerk? Why are you always with that dirty jerk? So now you'd even go out with gays? Dirty? What's so dirty? Why would Jin Ho be dirty? Be it a man or woman, love is between two people. You're just a nothing who's never loved another. So who are you? To say that Jin Ho is dirty. Gae In... What's... wrong with you? You weren't even like this when we broke up! Even at the wedding hall, you never even slapped me! So what are you doing now? That's right. I was like that then. Even when I was forced to suffer such indignities, I was a fool who couldn't even say a word in my own defense. But no more of that now. I suppose Jin Ho must have changed me. That person is... That person is That person is That person is the only one who lulls my heart to sleep Like a fool I've finally figured it out That it keeps calling for that person Because I can't live without that person in my life Are only men who love women to be considered men? So please park somewhere and just breathe deeply. You'll do that, right? Sang Jun oppa, is it possible you like men? You know something... Could it be I'm really in love with you? What is it you want to say right now? I want to start over with you. C-c-com-coming out? Congratulations. On getting another chance. Dam Art Gallery? Why? To meet with Director Choi. Are you going on a date? Do I appear to be someone who would use this project as bait to win over someone's feelings? Han Chang Ryul... is my son. Do you really want to start over with me? Park Gae In! I... have something to say to you. Should we... stop being just friends? Jin Ho sunbae. What do you think you're doing? Have you decided to die by alcohol poisoning? If you feel that wronged, make him come back and grab a hold of you again. I'm saying make him regret losing a woman like you. Jin Ho. Will you make me into a woman? Episode 5 Project of Making a Woman Why are you in my room, Jin Ho? It's actually my room you're in. Why did you drag me into your room then? Do you not remember pushing your way in? Will you make me into a woman? Are you saying that fully aware of what those words mean? I want to become a woman that's really a woman, Jin Ho. Do you know what it means when a woman asks a man to make her into a woman? No matter how scatterbrained you are... Why are you so lacking in common sense? I'm the stupid one for humoring you. Jin Ho! Jin Ho! I'm being really sincere right now, Jin Ho. I don't want to have to hear the phrase "You weren't a woman to me" twice. Do you think the pose you're in right now comes off as sincere? You were born as a man but you're unable to fully live as one, so you should understand my perspective. My perspective in hearing that I wasn't a woman to him... And so please... You should be the one to live your own life. Because I don't have the time to worry about other peoples' lives. Jin Ho. You really don't know what that meant? That meant "I dumped you because you wouldn't sleep with me." I'm asking if you honestly didn't know that's what he meant. I knew. Then you should know that you're asking me to make you into a woman is ridiculous as well. But do a man and a woman have to sleep together, in order for there to be love between them? I want to hold this woman. Do you think a man can love without feeling this way? The desire to be able to touch and hold the woman he loves... Should be expected of men. How do you know that, Jin Ho? Just drink, you're so noisy. But... Men should have women they don't want to lose, even without those things. I want to become that kind of woman. If I were the type of woman who men go crazy for, they wouldn't just throw me away completely disregarding my feelings. Until when are you going to stay in my bed? I slept so well thanks to you. Jin Ho. Thank you. I think you're a friend that my mom sent to me. Go and wash your face. You were probably dumped because you don't care about your appearance when you're in front of a man, eye boogers and all. You remember promising me last night that you'd do it, right? I have no memory of last night so I don't know what you're talking about. Then you probably don't remember that either. Telling me I don't have to give you back the housing deposit. That you'd just leave without taking it. Why this woman... when did I? ! While we're both living in this house, let's give it a try. The project of making a woman out of Park Gae In. I only agreed because you went so far to climb onto my bed and whine like a baby... Jin Ho, you're strange. I thought you said you hate it most when people lie. All right fine, let's do it. We'll do it. Although the chances appear to be slim to none, let's give it a try. I really think you are a gift that my mom sent to me, Jin Ho. Can you please stop yakking and go wash up? How pathetic. When did you get in? I told you to come home quickly so we could finish our conversation. Why didn't you listen to me? Are you ignoring me? I'm asking if you're ignoring me! Leave this house. Why should I? Are you going to keep being this mean? I only have 8300 won left in my bank account. I used up everything I had for our wedding! You already know that I used special card services to prepare for the wedding. And you can still say why should I? First of all, this house isn't yours. Second, I wasn't the one to say I wanted to end it. You were the one who made me want to end it though, Chang Ryul. But you were the one who made me want to end it with Gae In. Are you saying I need to pay because I'm an awful bitch? Is that it? Why are you running away again in the middle of our conversation? In Hee, I drowned myself in alcohol until dawn so my head feels like it's going to crack open. So let me shower first and we'll talk again later. Please just let me end this, Chang Ryul! I told you I didn't want to, I won't, I'm not going to let you! Oh Mom, what's the occasion for calling me so early in the morning? Are you sick? Mom, what's wrong? Is something going on? Why are you crying? Here's your morning coffee service. I don't drink instant coffee. I made this especially for you after our consensus so you should drink it just to appease me. Have you come from the army or something? Consensus? Please. It'll be best for us to start today, don't you think? There's that idiom that says the early bird gets the worm. That's not an idiom, it's an adage. And how long have you been in these sweats, for God's sake? From what I can remember, you wear these when you're home, when you're sleeping and even when you go out. I heard you went on a date in these and slippers. What kind of man would see you as a woman when you dress like this? It's because the time it would've taken me to change, even if it were a minute or a second, seemed wasteful. Because I wanted to spend that much more time with him. Is that so wrong? Is that worth getting dumped over? Yes. [Jin Ho's Making a Woman Project - The number one trait of an attractive woman is her pride] Because men don't like women who lack pride. Making a man wait is part of a woman's skill and appeal. Let's start right this instant. Dunk. What? Dunk your head in the water. Why? Do you know what your problem is, Park Gae In? You said you wanted to become a woman who men would go crazy for, right? But the problem is, you go crazy for the men first. Can you explain it in simpler terms so I can understand- Because you were so crazy about him, you didn't want him to have to wait so you ran out in sweats, even pajamas... I never went out in pajamas. Continue with what you were saying. You have to realize why women are always 10 minutes late for the dates or appointments they make [Jin Ho's Making a Woman Project - Always make the person wait. Soon the waiting turns into interest] to become a real woman. Then does that mean I always have to be 10 minutes late? Can you let me talk? Yes, I'm sorry. It would make men go crazy for you, and give you the assurance that they will wait for you. Ah! Did you have a sudden revelation or something to say ah? The most important thing for you is develop some self-esteem. What you need to fix is that dirty habit of yours of racing out when a man calls you. Do you understand what I'm saying? There are truth to your words, Teacher. There is truth, right? Now dunk your head. Yes sir. But doesn't this seem like water torture to you? If you decide to rebel against the program of your teacher, I'll have no choice but to revoke my promise. Ah, ah! Then I'll dunk! I'll dunk. [Jin Ho's Making a Woman Project - If she endures, she can save a country. She can get a man] Park Gae In. Park Gae In? You're making such a ruckus when it was only for 40 seconds? I felt like I was going to die. It's not even like I'm a traitor with the other side, so why do I have to suffer through this water torture? Oh my, oh my! No matter what, you can't come out of there until an hour passes. Right now, a man is waiting for me. But there's no way I'm going out to meet him, at least for an hour. Do you understand? Excuse me, do you think you could let me have two comic books? Don't be ridiculous, do you think you're in there for fun right now? What does he want me to do in here? There was a delivery. Where? I told you not to come out! Should we eat lunch before continuing? Shall we? Fire! Where? Where? Where? ! Is it time? [Jin Ho's Making a Woman Project Light steps make a woman's walk sexy] It must be the gayness that makes him so different. Please try and walk in a more sexy fashion. Put your legs straight like this. Try again. Spread your arms straighter out. I'm sorry, I- It's because you keep doing this that your hands look the way they do. Forget it, just get me rubber gloves. What are you doing? I asked you to get me rubber gloves. Jin Ho, let's be friends for a long time. [Jin Ho's Making a Woman Project - A truly attractive woman can live on just dewdrops alone] What? Do you know why women always eat like maniacs when they come home from a date? Because they were so anxious while on the date? Do you think a woman that shovels food into her mouth on a date will appear attractive to a man? I think so. Having to be so careful in front of a person you love isn't right. Eating with you is making me lose my appetite. The other person can very well feel like this. What a refreshing thing to say. So I can eat now, right? Women who go nuts over meat or food in general are unattractive. Ah, hello! That's right, I met you here before. Yes. Aigoo, you must be here to see Jin Ho since it's the weekend. Even though you work in the same office, if you don't see him for a day, do you go crazy? W-what? Gae In! Oh, hello! Hello, Jin Ho! - Ah, hello. - How are you two coming in together? I left because Joon Hyuk and his dad are at the bathhouse. I came out to see what was going on since this is the first time you didn't come to the office when we're in the middle of such a big project. Ah Hyung, that's unsanitary. I'll get you chopsticks. Why are you so awkward when we're already aware of everything? Do you two need to use different chopsticks? W-w-what? Instead of that, why don't you wrap some ssam* (*meat and rice wrapped in a lettuce leaf) and feed it to him? That's enough. Jin Ho doesn't like when people do things like that. Dislike it? We're telling them to eat together since they're dating, so why would he dislike it? We already know everything so what's so wrong? Isn't that right? I know a few gay people and I understand everything. That's right, gay. What? Lee Young Seon! I told you not to say anything because Jin Ho hates hearing people talk about him being gay! So you're saying that those women are under the impression that you're gay? Not only me, but you too, Hyung. I'm sorry, I know it's ridiculous. Figures... that's the only way you won't get kicked out of this house. Jin Ho. From this moment forward, I'll help you in any way I can, for the sake of the company. It's fine. You not doing anything is helping me, Hyung. No, no. This is a way for us. Jin Ho. From now on, I'm not your hyung. I'm your love. What are you doing? You won't get used to it right away, but with time, it'll get easier- Are you insane, Hyung? ! Jin Ho. Hurry up and go. - People think you're gay. - Get out! But I love you. - Honey, let's talk for a little while longer. - No, I don't want to. Honey! Honey! My honey is so cruel. This is crazy. Sang Jun, you're upset, aren't you? Of course I'm upset. But my honey is afraid of our relationship being discovered by other people. My goodness... But what else can we do? We're not that close yet... so you need to be understanding. I know. I know, but sometimes I get so sad. Sang Jun! I understand everything! So please, just vent all you want to me. Okay? Can I call you Unni from now on? Ah, aren't you Director Choi from Dam Art Gallery? Ah, who is this? Director Choi from Dam Art Gallery! What a coincidence that we meet at a place like this, Director Choi from Dam Art Gallery. Isn't it? Aren't you Director Choi from Dam Art Gallery? Hello. My name is Han Chang Ryul and I'm the Director of Mirae Construction. Ah yes. It's a pleasure to meet you here of all places. What a coincidence. Yes, well, you can get back to working out now. I heard a lot about you from In Hee. Although you might've jumped to conclusions because of what happened at the wedding, but we're working on it so- There's no reason for me to know about your personal circumstances, so you don't need to explain anything to me. But still, I don't know what you've heard from In Hee- I haven't heard anything from her. Although Kim In Hee is someone I hold in high regard, her personal life is something private. Wow... I heard rumors but it seems that you're the epitome of professional. I was worried that you were under a bad impression of me because of what happened at the wedding, but I'm truly relieved now. People whose personal lives are complicated seem to be the worst at separating them from their work. I hope you're not like that as well, Director Han Chang Ryul. Goodbye then. How many times have I asked you not to speak of the gay issue? I was wrong. Did you forget about what you wrote on the contract? That you said you'd do whatever I told you to do if you spoke of my personal business? There's still exceptions under the circumstance though. And also, it's not like we don't already know... Can I lower my arms now? Did I tell you to raise them? It's an important text message. Look at it then. This had better be the last time. All right! They told me to come for an interview tomorrow! If you help me, I think I'll definitely be hired tomorrow. You'll help me, right? What should I wear tomorrow? What did you do to merit my helping you? I'm reflecting... I'm reflecting so much I'm tearing up. My teacher's complexion is no joke. Honey. Here you go. Milk. Yes, Teacher. The yolk of an egg. Oh, it tastes good! Stop! Stop eating it and share with your complexion, why don't you? I couldn't even eat one piece of samgyeopsal (pork BBQ) because of you, Jin Ho. Then do you want to eat this whole thing? No, no. My complexion. Put in some of the ground up kelp. Why do I have to put this on- It's wasteful to throw it out. We can't eat it either. Oh please, you were eating it so eagerly before. If we talk while we have a pack on, we'll develop wrinkles. Your significant other will love it as well. Hello? Ms. Jang Mi? A call from a woman this late at night? How can you do this to me? It's Sunday night and you're not even coming home, my son. I'm sorry, it's because I had so much work to do. Is it a woman? It's a woman, isn't it? Get away. Is there someone next to you, Son? No. The dog that lives next door must be barking. What kind of dog's bark sounds so much like a person? They say that because dogs only live with people, these days there are even dogs that believe themselves to be human. How strange. Son, should we go on a date? What to do? I have something I need to finish up so I can't go. You can't be so courteous to women like that. That's not the right thing to do! I'm sorry, I'll call you back another time. Okay. Since you say you're busy, there's nothing I can do. But your mom is really sad. I'll make up for having made you sad today. I promise. You can't make promises like that! Why is the dog from next door so noisy? ! Hey, shouldn't you move to another place? Let's hang up now and I'll give you a call back another time. Yes. Wow, you're much worse than I thought, Jin Ho. What do you think you're doing, acting like that to women as well? You need to act colder to women since you can't even love them. I love them. What? Then... Then what? Bisexual? It was my mother. You call your mother Ms. Jang Mi? Yes, I'm like that. My mother prefers it as well. It must be nice. You still have a mother who likes it when you call her by name. If my mom was still alive, I probably would've tried calling her like that too. Eun Young. When did your mother pass away? When I was five years old. But it's so odd. What is? There should be things I remember from when I was five, but I can't remember anything. I only know my mom's face through pictures. It must be because you're not very smart. It probably is. I didn't really mean that. No, you're right in saying I'm not very smart. That's probably why there's nothing I'm good at. Because losing your mom when you're only five is such a difficult thing to face, you might have just decided to forget everything. That way, you can protect yourself. Don't you think that could be the case with you, Park Gae In? Jin Ho, I've never said this before, have I? Welcome to my house. Did you sleep well? Do you have a skin condition? Your skin too! Me... me too? Me too? Oh! Oh! I thought you said it was good for the skin! Did you put in a rotten egg? Aish, what do we do? ! I have the interview... You're here early, Hyung. But what's wrong, Hyung? Why did you come out so early? Well because I had something I wanted to talk to you about so I came early. But why are you sitting there like that? Wow... even you're here Tae Hoon. Our company must really be determined to win this Dam Art Gallery project. But what are you doing? My head hurts so I'm just resting right now. If your head hurts, you should take some medicine. Do you think you're going to feel better if you do what you're doing now? Ah! Sanggojae is doing well, right? Tae Hoon, what are you talking about? Hyung! Hey, how could you get chicken pox at your age? Even if it's itchy, you should never scratch them, okay? It's not chicken pox. I asked you what you were talking about. Hey, why are you being like that when we all know? If you're so intent on keeping everything from me, I'll have no choice but to reveal everything to Hye Mi. Why are you still talking in your sleep when it's morning? I'm saying I know already that Jin Ho Hyung is at Sanggojae. That's right! But... isn't Teacher Park's daughter the only person that lives there right now? How can you... at a place where a woman lives alone...? What about Hye Mi then? This isn't right, Hyung! How could you leave Hye Mi...? It's not like that. What do you mean? You're living at a house where a woman lives alone. No matter how much you want to succeed, if you're doing this to use Teacher Park's daughter, you're a really bad person, Hyung. That means that there's nothing you won't do to succeed! Hey, you punk. Don't you know Jin Ho by now? Is Jin Ho that kind of person? But still, they're definitely living together right now. Let's go outside and talk. Let's go outside. I really think you are a gift that my mom sent to me, Jin Ho. Welcome to my house. Jin Ho, let's be friends for a long time. Wasn't Director Choi responsible for the Dam Art Gallery project in its entirety? Then wouldn't Chairman Choi's role just amount to an old man watching from the backroom. He set it up that way to establish his son's authority but the MS Group czar is still... that old gentleman. Does that mean you were promised that he'd be on our side? Hey you punk! Do you think that man is that easily manageable? Then why did you...? We have to change the rules of the competition. We shouldn't even give the chance for people we don't want to deal with to enter. What do you mean by that? You'll find out in due time. Yes, all right. Director. Teacher Park Chul Han from England is on the phone. Hello. This is Choi Do Bin from Dam Art Gallery. I went to England earlier to ask you to do our design plan. No, I didn't call about the blueprint this time. I called to ask if you could take on the inspection. There would be no need for you to travel over here as we would send the papers over. Please, I'm sincerely asking you to reconsider. If you change your mind, please give me a call whenever you wish. I'll be waiting. Thank you. I guess he's refused once again. I think I'm going to need to stop by Sanggojae. Because the wood was such good quality, I can't just leave it to be thrown away. Wow, so you're not a bad designer after all. It actually looks like a piece of furniture that could be sold in stores now. But what is that? Ah well, this is what people like you who don't wash their face often need most. Cleansing oil. Use this and start washing your face everyday, okay? But you ordered this today and it was delivered on the same day? I put in the order with the main office. But Gae In, after messing up at your interview, how can you be in the mood to make furniture? Then am I supposed to be splayed out on my bed wailing in a loud voice? Oh dear, that's the optimistic side of your personality rearing its head again. When you got your boyfriend stolen away by a friend, did you mope around? When your friend took a loan out using your house, did you continue to look for him? And when your interview went badly, did you let yourself despair? Could it be that you're overly considerate? Hey, but the thing that really gets me frustrated... If they were going to be so stingy about my education, they should've just dropped my application in Seoul. They call me all the way over there and tell me I've had no stable jobs, I haven't studied abroad, and I'm not an expert. Why did they have to ask about all that stuff? I think I'm destined to forever refuse jobs at large organizations. That's not the case, the large organizations are the ones that deny you the jobs. Speak truthfully. But why isn't Jin Ho coming home? I have to give him the toiletries as a present. And since I'm here already, I can beg for forgiveness. But you know... it seems like you and Jin Ho have grown a lot closer. How great would it have been if I was there with you guys yesterday when you were putting packs on? Is he still acting uptight lately? The way Jin Ho speaks is a little... you know. I think I've gotten used to it. Now when he grumbles and complains, it's kind of cute. And also... Also? Even though it's once in a blue moon, there are these moments... Moments? What moments? He throws out these words at me that make my heart constrict. That's why... I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I even welcomed him to my house, even though it was a really mushy thing to do. You can't, Park Gae In! What? Hey, no matter how pure your heart is... You can't fall in love with a gay man. That'll be the start of a tragedy. Young Seon. Do you want to be a part of a tragedy where you lose your life at the hands of a friend? Huh? Who is it? This is Teacher Park Chul Han's house, correct? Yes? But Dad isn't here right now. Yes, I'm aware of that. I just wanted to speak with his daughter. Hey, what do I do? What should I do? Dad must have sent him. Please, please. Calm down. How is it you always lose your cool whenever your dad is mentioned? Hey, do I look like I can calm down right now? If he were to find out that the house is on the verge of being forcibly taken and that I took in a man as a roommate, I'd be dead. I even gave him keys to this house. Gae In. How can your dad do things like that when he's all the way in England? You think? E-excuse me... what business do you have here...? Who do you think you are? I'm telling you he wasn't! This man is gay! Ah well, my name is Choi Do Bin and I'm from Dam Art Gallery. You're Jeon Jin Ho's friend, right? What? Here you go. Yes, thank you. The chair is quite unique. It was a broken chair that she brought back and fixed up. She wanted to give it to the ddukbokgi place she frequents. (ddukbokgi = rice cakes marinated in spicy pepper sauce) They'll probably use it for small children. How did you know? That's the reason I made it the way I did. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. Even though I'm my dad's daughter, I'm not as influential or skilled as he is. When I saw you that night, Park Gae In, you seemed like a very brave young lady. But I'm guessing you're lacking confidence when it comes to your father. You've seen me before? Ah! And also, you asked me before if I was friends with Jin Ho. How did you know? We're going to be meeting frequently from now on, so we'll discuss it slowly another time. Then, I'll be leaving for today. Ah yes. Goodbye. What kind of man goes around acting so mysteriously? I know, right? I had no idea what he was talking about. Aren't you going home? What could it be? Why has MS Group taken Sanggojae and made it its concept for the project at Dam Art Gallery? I'm not sure either. But of course an ordinary person like me wouldn't know. There's definitely something about the place though. Could it be... You've heard something like this before, right? When there's a hidden chamber in the floor that opens up and Robot Taekwon V pops up. But Maruchi and Arachi live at Sanggojae. And so when Teacher Park Chul Han presses a button, (Maruchi Arachi = kind of silly Korean cartoon about taekwondo sibling heroes that lived in a cave) then Maruchi and Arachi come flying up at his beck and call. Is this fun for you? It's not fun, but I just said it because you were in such a bad mood. What could it be? [Park Gae In] And so your face is okay now? Yes. What a relief. Mine got better as well by the afternoon. Young Seon told me that it was probably because of the kelp powder. What happened with your interview? It went miserably. Is that something to brag about? I'm sorry. After how much you helped me... It's fine. You have nothing to be sorry about. Are you coming home early today? Why? Young Seon brought over some banchan (side dishes typically eaten with rice), so I wanted to know if we could eat dinner together. We'll see. Come home early so we can eat dinner together. To a stranger's ears you would no doubt pass as a newly married couple. Newly married couple? Please. That's right. Go home quickly. Go home and eat dinner together and maybe even take baths together. Have you gone insane? Yes, In Hee? Have a seat. I was wondering what I should eat after I got off work, but I suddenly thought of your promise to buy dinner. I didn't call you out when you were busy, right? No, it's all right. It's just that Young Seon brought over some banchan so I wanted to know if we could eat dinner together. I'm sorry, but why don't we just have a cup of tea today and have dinner another time. Are you going to attend the Night of Construction party? I'd like to give you some inside information about it. Wouldn't there be too little time for me to do that over a cup of tea? When I was a junior in high school, my parents passed away so Gae In brought me to her house, knowing I didn't have anywhere to go. She said that there's no one who'll look out for you in this world but yourself. She always followed me around at school and at home asking me if I wanted anything, what I wanted to eat. But I looked upon her behavior as pathetic, and so I wanted to scream because I saw her as cowardly. I wanted to tell her to stop pretending to be so kind. She wasn't pretending to be kind because she really is. Do you know that? Because I kept receiving from her all the time, I developed a desire to steal something from her at least once. Since I'm an awful bitch, I wanted to see if she'd keep being nice to me if I stole something of hers. I might have been warning myself subconsciously. You acted as a fool then. If you decided to betray a friend like that, you should have been happy until the end. Since you did something so bad in such a clumsy way, of course you're a fool. You're right. I was an awful bitch, but in a clumsy way. But... for some reason, you saying that is comforting to me. Because you're clumsy, you're not completely awful. That's how it sounds to me. Would it be okay if I had a drink? I just really want a drink today. Are you okay? What kind of person drives like that- Are you really.... Incapable of loving women? Then why do I keep seeing you as a man, Jin Ho? I think the alcohol has affected you. Are you okay? Thank you. Why did that punk Jin Ho bring you all the way home? We ate dinner together. What in the world are you thinking? Are you hoping that I'll give up on this project? Is that why you keep speaking to that punk Jeon Jin Ho or what? ! Ah, so you're hoping that I'll get so angry that I'll be turned off by an easy woman like you and stop this, is that right? Easy? The way you're acting right now comes off like that! That's right, I'm easy. Wasn't that what you liked about me, Chang Ryul? Because you got sick of Gae In's prudish, uptight tendencies, you chose an easy woman like me! I loved you. You loved me? You're stuck in the past. To me, the man Han Chang Ryul is an element of the past that I regret. That's why I'm trying to start over now. For the sake of the future that won't leave me regretting. So are you telling me that your future is Jeon Jin Ho? I don't know yet. But I'm developing an interest in that man. Do you know why? Because he's different from you, Chang Ryul. That one fact is enough for me. You're making it harder for me to end things with you. Why? Because Jeon Jin Ho has become your competition? That's why I'm saying that you won't do, Chang Ryul. Because you're so immature that you're placing your entire future on the line because of your childish jealousy! This'll be another punishment. What I get for making you do something to Park Gae In that one shouldn't do. Isn't that right? Is this because you're scared that that person didn't eat dinner because you weren't there? What are you doing? Were you... waiting for me? I know you're busy since you have two significant others, but if you were going to eat before coming home, you should have at least called. I set the table already and made dwenjang jigae (a stew made of fermented soybean paste). I don't know how it would have tasted, but let's pretend that we ate it. I made it really delicious this time. That's why I'm saying let's just pretend we ate it. You didn't skip dinner while you were waiting for me, right? Including your bowl of rice, I ate it all! Self-esteem. Did you forget about it already? What kind of woman gets so worked up at the sight of food? Do you know that the people who act that way with food are the rudest? Really? Are you showing off that you're tall? Do you like that you're short? Wow, this looks delicious! We could have just eaten the dwenjang jigae at home. Then should we just go home and eat the dwenjang jigae? How can we leave after having ordered already? That's such a waste of money. Why would we do that? Here, eat this. Did you wash your hands at least? I didn't. Don't eat it then if you think I'm that dirty. No, it's fine. I'll endure through it. But what did you do until this time if you didn't eat dinner? I was busy with work. I couldn't eat because of work either. It wasn't because I was waiting for you, Jin Ho. I've decided that from now on, I'm never going to skip meals just because I'm waiting for someone. Did that punk Chang Ryul find out as well that you skipped meals while you were waiting for him? Well... that... it was because my stomach kept grumbling. When a woman that loses all sense of reason when it comes to eating skips meals because of a man, of course she's bound to get dumped. That's why I'm trying to learn all that I can from you, Jin Ho. Stop pretending that you're thinking on what I'm saying, and eat up. Jin Ho, I ate so much. I feel like my stomach is about to explode. You shouldn't say things like that in front of men so nonchalantly either. Always nagging... Jin Ho, if we succeed in our project of making me into a woman... Do you think I'll be able to love again? Oh, wow! Gae In, this is the best at relieving your stress. You should give it a try too. Put all your strength into it. I'm scared though. You can do it! Put all your strength into it! That's right! Try hitting it a little harder! Jin Ho, can you give me 500 won ($.45)? Can you give me 500 won? This is the best at relieving your stress. I already treated you to dinner, so do I have to pay for your games too? Consider this dessert then. Please? 500 won? Please? I... wasn't in love with you. To me, you were like a puppy that was wandering around the neighborhood completely soaked on a rainy day. Why don't you stop now? Just for a little while longer. If I do it a few more times, I feel like I'll finally have a weight off my shoulders. Doing this won't take the weight off your shoulders, Park Gae In. You should slap that punk Chang Ryul instead. Isn't that what you truly want to do, Gae In? Do you think anything would change if I were to slap his cheek? I'll still be the ordinary, insignificant Park Gae In. It'll just mean that an ordinary person like me is letting her anger out. Then what is it you really want to do, Gae In? How do you think this will best be resolved? I have no idea. What I should do to resolve this... How I'll be able to bring this to an end... I have no idea. Do you have time this Saturday? Give me some time. There's somewhere I need you to go with me. Where? We're going to go to a party. That punk Chang Ryul will be there as well. On that day, you'll show him you're living just fine without him. You need to show him that an ordinary woman like you, Park Gae In, can be a jewel as well. It's... weird, isn't it? Are you going on a seon (blind date between two people with the prospect of marriage) or something? What about this? Do you think the length of this dress is flattering? Are you a bodyguard? Thank you! Ah yes. I'm sorry. I always make things so difficult for you. As long as you're aware of that. Just don't mess up at the party. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to go to a party. When you watch movies, I would always love the scenes at parties. I'm anticipating this so much! Don't be too excited about it. How in the world are you running this place? ! If only I was the boss of this place when you were remodeling. Don't you have eyes? Eyes? ! Teacher Grace? What? What? What? ! Jin - Jin Ho? Long time no see! Why has it been so long? This is the first time I've seen this place after the remodeling, right? That's right. Isn't this too much? I asked you so many times to stop by at least once. How could you still be so chic? I'm sorry. I was so busy. I'm just going to forgive you this one time. Who are you? What? This is my friend. I wanted to ask you to help her. She's really your friend? Yes, she's my friend. Friend? Friend? Bring me water! A past boyfriend of yours? He says she's his friend. You should've just said I was your dongsaeng or something. And let him suspect that you're something more than a dongsaeng? Now... how should I style your hair for you? Um... I'm not sure. I'll just figure it out myself then, all right? Okay. Face forward please, thank you. Look at these split ends. Aigoo. [Night of Korean Construction] Thank you for coming. Are things going well with Daughter-in-law? What? Yes. Why is your answer so weak? A hot-blooded man like you. Aigoo, Chairman Han. It's been a long time. Have you been well? Yes, of course. Are you ready? Yes. Don't worry, just trust me. Shall we go in? Have you come? Yes. It seems that you've brought Gae In as your date. Yes, I've come with Gae In. You two know each other? Gae In, how is it that you came here with him? Because we have that kind of relationship, of course. Wow, your outfit today is killer. No matter what you wear, right? Wow. Hello. G-Gae In? Wow, it's like you've had a complete transformation. If I put in a little effort, it goes a long way you see. Very good. Very good. You should go say hello to Director Choi. Okay. Gae In, let's go. What is this? What? How can those two... Since when have they been so close? If you're curious, ask them yourself. Why? Are you regretting what you did now that you've seen her all made up? How typical of Han Chang Ryul. I see you've brought your friend as your date. It's nice to see you again here. You look lovely. Thank you. How do you know each other...? You haven't told him, I see. I asked Teacher Park Chul Han to take a part in this project, but I was turned down. That's why I decided to go meet his daughter in hopes of doing all that I could. Ah, I see. Director Jeon, there's someone who'd like to meet you. All right. Go on. I'll keep your date company. Okay then. Don't worry, go ahead. Just like I learned from you, I'll be acting the part of the perfect woman. You need to tell me something that's actually possible for me not to worry. You're like an active volcano. Come this way. All right. Hey, you and the young lady of Sanggojae must have grown closer than I thought. You usually bring your mom as an escort to these events. I only brought her because she was so bored. The person on the right is the most important person in this project, the Team Leader of Construction of MS Group. It really seems like we have Heaven on our side, because you're helping us out so much, In Hee. He's a big fan of medieval architecture, so start off bringing that up. Right this way. In Hee has fallen for you. Seeing that he's a friend of the daughter of Teacher Park Chul Han, it seems that Jeon Jin Ho will be of much help to me. That's not the case though. Jin Ho didn't know whose daughter I was, and it hasn't been long since we've become friends. Ah, is that right? How is it you drive so badly? It's already been an hour since the party started! We were late because there was traffic. Even though it took a long time because of your hair and makeup, you'll be the prettiest one there. Of course. Ah but my Jin Ho oppa is probably sad because he's there alone without a date- It's uncomfortable to walk, isn't it? I'll hold onto this for you. - Let's hurry up! Quickly! - Okay, let's go! T-then does that mean you're giving me a job? I was planning on creating a children's center at Dam Art Gallery for a while. But the moment that I saw the chair you made with children in mind, I thought that you'd be great for the job. Yes. One second. T-then that means that all the furniture in the children's center will be designed by me, doesn't it? Is that right? Then that means- It seems that much of your time has been jeopardized because of my date. No, we were actually talking about something very important. What could you be talking about with her that's important...? You see... Jin Ho, Director Choi has asked me- Oppa! Jin Ho oppa! Excuse us. Oppa, how could you be like this? Do you know how humiliating it is to come to a party like this without a date? It seems that you have two dates for tonight. That's... What does he mean you have two dates? Besides me, who could- Who are you? I'm Park Gae In. That's right, Hye Mi, this oppa's come alone so why don't you be my date? Why would I be your date? And leaving Jin Ho oppa alone? Oppa, what's going on here? Park Gae In, let's meet on Monday to continue our conversation. You can come to Dam Art Gallery, right? Of course. Please, enjoy the rest of your night. Goodbye! What are you going to do? Director Choi is going to assume that you're a cheater. Why are you here? I brought her. You ruin everything, you know that? How many times did I tell you that you doing nothing is the biggest help for us? I thought you weren't going to have a date. I asked you who this woman is. Who is she? Hye Mi, let's go outside and talk. Gae In, just stay here for now. Are you paying attention to that woman right now? He's not paying attention to me. It seems that you don't know yet. It'll probably cause you a lot of pain. Park Gae In, please don't say anything stupid. Jin Ho, how long are you planning on hiding it? ! Huh? What do you think I'm hiding? Please be quiet. It's because things like this can happen that you need to work things out quickly. I told you how deep scars can go that are caused by love. Think about the scars that this young lady can be left with. You're not an important person to me anymore, Chang Ryul. It seems like there are many women who see you as a man, just like I do. Gae In? I'm warning you now, don't bother this woman. I really think you are a gift that my mom sent to me, Jin Ho. Sanggojae is a small world that will give my wife and my child the ability to dream. This was planned by Chairman Han and that punk Chang Ryul to run us out. You fell in love with the man that Gae In was in love with, but that wasn't the real me? That's why that man won't do. Sit down this instant! I'm going to give this responsibility to you, Park Gae In. What? Where are you going? Why isn't he coming home? And why isn't he picking up his cell? I guess he's not going to come home. Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Situs Download Film+subtitle Lengkap Update He said that there used to be a big glass above here. On days when the weather was nice, it was designed to let the sunlight in. While your mother worked in here, she could watch you playing up there. 3 bears lived in a single house, Daddy bear, Mommy bear, Baby bear. Daddy bear is fat... Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. But why was this room boarded up? It's such a unique feature for a hanok* (*Traditional Korean house) Gae In! Gae In! What's the matter? Gae In! Hey, Park Gae In! Gae In, are you all right? Gae In. Gae In. Gae In. Is your head clearing now? I feel like I had a bad nightmare. My mother... I... Mom. My mom... This isn't good. Let me get you some medicine. I don't want any. Don't go. I'm scared. Don't worry. I won't go anywhere. Like a fool... Why didn't I know? Like a fool... Why did I let you go? Like a fool... In my slow crying heart... Only now, only now I realize. That it's just you... That you're my only person That it's just you, that only you fill my heart. Like a fool, I'm only realizing now... [Episode 13 - A Special Birthday Gift] Jin Ho. Jin Ho. You're awake? How are you feeling? I feel a lot better. I drew a bath for you. So, why don't you take a soak? It'll make you feel even better. So nice. Do you like it? I bought it in Jeju Island, thinking of you. Ah. It's really nice. That's a relief. The moment I smelled the scent, you came to mind. What did it feel like? Hmm... mild and clear. Do you know that this is the first time I've ever dried someone's hair? This is the first time anyone's dried my hair. It feels really awkward. Give it to me. I'll do it. Don't get sick anymore. I won't go anywhere and leave you alone. Hey! Get in! How embarrassing! What is this? ! It's a pick up! Geez, really! The things you do... aigoo. Really! But Unni, what is that? Stop calling me Unni. It's become a habit. What can I say? This? Gae In's not feeling well. So I packed some porridge. Oh, really? What about you? Oh, Jin Ho asked me to bring him some documents. What are you doing, cutting in? ! So, did you find a new office? Not yet. Honey, it's kind of awkward for me to be saying this, but even though Gae In offered to lend Jin Ho money, it's a little... Even if she wants to loan it, we can't take it. Really? Why? Actually, it was Han Chang Ryul that invested in Doyle Furniture for the brand launch. Knowing that, how can we take it? Oh, I swear that crazy bastard... Really! You have to tell Gae In! Well, Gae In's so happy. It seemed like Jin Ho couldn't tell her. What do we do? She was so happy that she would get acknowledgement from her father. You're cold, aren't you? I have the feeling our timing isn't so good. You came? Hey! You called me first thing in the morning to rub it in, didn't you? That's what I'm saying. Hey, Gae In. Aren't you hot? In this weather, it's not like you're a bean paste pot or anything. Bean paste... What do you mean hot? Jin Ho said that just because you have a fever, it doesn't mean you should stay cold. - Aigoo, really. Aigoo. - Tch! That Jin Ho... he doesn't just look perfect. I guess he's also attentive. Aigoo. I got up first thing to get abalone and made porridge to see this sort of scene. Aigoo. Hey, I was really sick. Yeah, Tae Hoon. What is it? What do we do, Hyung? Why? What's wrong? There's been a complaint filed against us. And you guys aren't here. What? If it doesn't print, check the cartridge. Excuse me? What are you talking about? The accuser's wife is here making a ruckus and everything! Why are you calling the service center for that? I'll be on my way. So, don't worry. I'm sorry. I wanted to stay with you today. It's fine. I'm okay now. So, don't worry and go. But, we're both going to fix a printer? We have to work. Young Seon, please take good care of Gae In. Ah, yes, yes. Do you think I'd let her get worse? Oh! Have you totally lost it? Look at those scary eyes. Well, then... Unni, call me later. What, are we dating? Go. Hey hey hey. Hey! What's going on? You brought your car, right? Let's talk on the way. Ah, thank you. Hey, you don't look sick. In fact, your coloring looks better. And your face is brighter. Were you really sick? I was really sick. And you can stuff your face like that? I have to eat and get stronger. So it's less difficult for my Jin Ho. Do you know how you're really making it difficult for Jin Ho? What did I do? Never mind. No use talking to you. I'm thinking you need to be born again as a real woman to understand. I... I think I'm a real woman now. What? While he was nursing you... Kiss. Hey, different kisses mean different things. On the hand, it's the regret of parting. A kiss on the forehead instills faith and trust. On the nose, he's fallen for you or something like that. Then, what about on the neck? Well that's desire, obviously... Jin Ho did that? He really kissed you on the neck? Yeah. It's come. The moment has come. Get up immediately. Oh, President Jeon. Chief. I tried so hard to talk to Mr. Kim, but ultimately he's causing trouble. Was there a problem in the handling of the accident? Of course, there wasn't. You saw it too. That he checked out completely fine. Then, why? Why is a completely healthy person like you back in the hospital? Healthy? Who's completely healthy? Geez. You checked out without any complications. My joints are throbbing, and if I move even a little bit, I'm so dizzy that I can't work. Geez! If you have residual symptoms, then of course you should be treated. We'll take responsibility for all the necessary treatments. President Jeon says he'll take responsibility, so withdraw the complaint. You charge someone when he disregards an accident. I don't know how much it's going to cost eventually. I should just trust his word and get stabbed in the back? ! It's always best to just get everything dealt with by the law. Could it be... that the man who was poking around about problems with President Jeon's work... is the reason you're doing this? Who was poking around? Seriously, professionals like us! What are you talking about? So, you're saying someone was hounding you about problems while working with us? President Jeon. Do you know someone who has a grudge against you? Or maybe something bad happened between you and a competitor? Hyung, you go to the office first. You came? What kind of crap are you up to? Crap? You don't know what I'm talking about? Listen to you talk about crap. I just used an underhanded tactic against an underhanded guy. What underhanded thing did I do to you? Why the hell did you move into Sanggojae? You knew that the concept for the Dam Art Gallery was Sanggojae, didn't you? If Gae In knows why you moved into Sanggojae, do you think she'll overlook it? And you also pretended to be gay so you could get in there, didn't you? Whatever the reason for my moving into Sanggojae, my feelings for Gae In are sincere. Jeon Jin Ho. You know the story of the shepherd boy who cried wolf? You are exactly like that shepherd boy. Whatever you say at this point, do you think Gae In will believe you? Gae In will believe me. All right, then. Continue on believing that. I'll be watching with both eyes to see how long you can stand firmly like that. Right. Don't look anywhere else and watch carefully. So, you plan to use Gae In to the very end. Are you doing this because you want to get revenge on my father? Are you saying right now that because of that revenge, you're going to use and hurt Gae In, for whom you claim to have sincere feelings? ! Think whatever you want. For this exhibit, the concept is public communication. Oh... I see securing an exhibit space as more important than an exhibit room. I'm preparing an open exhibit space as you ordered. Good. You always do your job meticulously, so I'm very confident. Oh, right. I saw in the documents earlier that today is Park Gae In's birthday. Are you meeting her? Ah, yes. Ah, I see. Okay, you may go. Do you know that today is Gae In's birthday? Birthday? Yes. Last year, you got her hopes up talking about some big event, but ultimately, you forgot. Oh, that was what I did. I forgot this year too, but you should remember. Okay. But... You think it would be okay for me to give her a birthday present? Me? Well, a present shows your feelings. Then, what would be good? Do I have to help you figure out every little thing? ! You called? Yeah. First of all, order a hundred roses, and contact the jewelry shop and have them bring over a catalog of new items. Yes, I'll do that. No. That's not it. I don't need any of that, so just go. Okay. Right. Because Park Gae In is not Kim In Hee. She's not. Yeah, this is good. Yes, yes. Good, good, good, good! Hey! That's scandalous. What's scandalous? Hey, if a man makes that kind of move, he's determined. What do you mean "determined"? I swear, there's no getting through to you! Hey, it requires two clapping hands to make noise, and lips are meant for kissing. And... Well, anyway... Just a second. Hey, this one is perfect. Perfect! It's so cute! Why are you empty handed? Did you prepare a proper present? You won't be able to move Gae In with a necklace or a ring. Yeah, I know. Because the Gae In I know is on a different level than you. Oh, yeah? But I guess that's the right level for you? Go for it. I'll look forward to it. I swear that Lee Young Seon... What? Determined? Determined about what? What does she see my Jin Ho as? I thought you were working hard, but "my Jin Ho"? Gae In, why is the color of your face like that? Are you sick? Huh? I was just a little unwell. Why? Where? Was it because of that Jin Ho? Yeah, I heard the general story. I hear he's going through some rough times lately. I'm uncomfortable being with you like this. Right. I know, even without you saying it. I came to give you this. It's a birthday present. Birthday? Today is your birthday. You don't know? Ah, it is. Today is my birthday. At least once, I felt I should do something properly for your birthday. There's no need. I wondered what would be a good present for an ex-girlfriend. I thought about it a lot. With your personality, I thought that a present for Jin Ho, rather than for you, would have more meaning. What is this? It's to be used to get a new office. He would accept it, if it were to come from you. Why would you? I told you. It's your birthday present. I thought if he was happy, you'd be happy. That's why I'm doing this. Then, I'll be going. Chang Ryul. Gae In. I can't even do this for you? If you had brought flowers, I probably would have accepted. Do you really think it's the best thing to return this to me? I can't give this to Jin Ho without saying anything about it. And I don't want to lie to him. Right. I know what kind of woman you are better than anyone. And here, I've made this sort of mistake. Okay. If that's the way you feel. I'll go. Jin Ho. Are you mad? I heard you came to work. So, I was going to scold you and take you home. But, I guess there's no need. Don't misunderstand again. I saw an envelope being given and taken with my own eyes. Who wouldn't misunderstand? That wasn't being "given and taken". I just returned it to him. What was in it? Well, that... Anyhow, I didn't accept it. Why? What did he tempt you with this time? Did he give you money? Don't think so badly of Chang Ryul. He seems to be thinking of you a lot. That guy is thinking of me? I feel I might shed tears of gratitude. What about you? Are you considering my feelings at all? How... can you talk like that? Thank you. You withdrew from the unrequited love club. So, why do you look so down? It's because of Jeon Jin Ho, isn't it? Park Gae In, did you do well in math at school? Math? Not really. What about you? I didn't do well either. In the past, I'd look at my friends that were good in math, and I'd think, wouldn't love be an easy problem for them to solve too? I'd wonder about that. If love had an equation and you knew the solution, maybe we wouldn't hurt each other, maybe we wouldn't misunderstand each other, and maybe we could just love. Don't you think? President Jeon Jin Ho. I'm sure he was worse at math than we were. These are admission tickets to the ice rink. You and Jin Ho should make up. Thank you. But, they expire today. Happy Birthday. Thank you. Do you really know love, Jeon Jin Ho? Park Gae In, why do you know so little about love? Ay, I'm telling you that's not it. The more you lay out the welcome mat in cases like this, the more they can't do it. Instead you need something like a soft drizzle, something subtle. That's the better strategy. A drizzle, my foot. Oh, is that so? How does an old bachelor know so much? Aigoo. Forget it! Let's go by the book. By the book. Then, how would you do it by the book? What else? We prepare a cake. True. And we turn on some music, and light a candle. And have a bottle of strong wine in a bucket filled to the brim with ice. - That's right! - And then, open the bottle, pour it, and one shot. Clink! After getting moderately tipsy, they look into each other's eyes. Oh, that's it! - That would work. - Good idea! Aigoo. Tch! I fell for something like that too. Really? That's really romantic. How? Romantic, whatever! It was on a different level. One measly candle on a Choco-Pie, and soju. And oh, the music was awful! We were trying to drum to it when our eyes met. That doesn't sound bad either. No, it doesn't. R-right. Y-you know today is Gae In's birthday, right? Hmm? Hey! You said there was a death anniversary service in your husband's family. Why worry about me? Never mind. What's the big deal about a birthday, anyway. No! I made a big pot of seaweed soup and am eating 'till I explode! Don't worry. Mmm. When did seaweed soup transform into ramen? What are you doing entering someone else's house at your whim? Why is it someone else's house? It's my woman's house. Who's your woman? Then, I'll just be your man. Go change. Why? Gae In's man is sorry for being so petty and angry. And he wants to go on a date. She says to relay the message that she doesn't want to go on a date with such a petty man. Isn't the woman who doesn't accept an apology more petty? That's true. They expire today. It would be a waste of tickets. I'm just going because it would be a waste of tickets. So, don't think it's a date. What is this costume all about? Follow me. What are you doing? It's fun. Now then. Should we get started? Okay. You said you didn't want to go on a date. But this is a total date spot. Did you forget we came because I didn't want to waste the tickets? Who gave you those tickets? Some man gave them to me as a gift. A gift? Then, why didn't you go with that man? That man said to go with you. Director Choi gave them to me. Why do these keep getting tangled? Be careful. So you don't fall. Jin Ho. In movies and dramas, you see lovers going to an ice rink to skate in the summer. The way they hold hands and skate and fall... I really wanted to do it too. - So, that was it? - What? I see you do have a hidden amorous side. It's not like that. It's not? You didn't come here so you could hold my hand and be held? No. I just came because Director Choi gave me the tickets. Let's go! Help me! Oh? Are you okay? We went through all that trouble. If Jin Ho doesn't get any further, he's not gay. He's a eunuch! Aigoo, of course! If not you Unni, who would do such a thing for a friend? Right? Really. Because I have a friend like you, I'm so happy. Who's your friend? No, what I'm saying is that we're friends, aren't we? We... have a really unexplainable complicated relationship. Don't be that way. Let's be friends from now on. Okay. Okay. Here. Okay. Bye, friend. You too, friend. Aren't you going that way? I'm going this way. Why? My house is this way too. Then, our goodbye was pointless. We came together. So, what's the big deal? You should go that way! Then, you go that way! What are you doing? You're embarrassing me. See, you really enjoyed it. Who enjoyed it? You were enjoying it more. When was I enjoying it? - It was totally obvious. - Tch! You know, you're pretty pointlessly tight-lipped? You should have told me before that it was your birthday. I forgot about it too. The candles are all melting. Just a second. Let's make a wish first. Happy birthday. Thank you. What was your wish? I wished that we would never end up deceiving each other again. You weren't even gay, and you moved in pretending you were gay. Jin Ho, what did you wish for? I... I wished that my true feelings would be able to get across to you. Your true feelings? Do you want to hear them? Yes. Are you... confident that you won't get shocked or angry? Yes. I thought many times... about how to tell you. - There's something I actually... - Just a second! Don't tell me. They say that wishes don't come true if you reveal them. Um, Gae In. Um, well... Other than the cake and candles, is there no other present? Do you need a different present? Aren't I a present? You're a... a present? Yes. You don't want me? Just a moment. Let me just get ready. Get ready? Get ready for what? Yeah. I don't think it's something I should tell you on a day like this. A glass ceiling will cost quite a bit. And new paint. I bet she'll like it if I fix it up, right? You know... He's trying to tell me. Tell you what? It couldn't be... Tonight? With you? And so? I stopped him. Aigoo, you headache. You should have just let him. How? My heart was pounding and... But, get this. Jin Ho said that he was my birthday present. Right! That's it, exactly! Wow! That Jin Ho has some sense. That's what this is, isn't it? Of course! But, what are you doing? I'm just kind of fretting about it. What should I do? What do you mean what should you do? First of all, you know the lingerie I bought you? Wear it no matter what. Th-then, I should first put this on. And then what? A woman that comes on too strong and forward isn't appealing. Mmm, you play a light game and create a really relaxed mood. Something that requires a little physical contact. Something good has happened. That something was meeting someone like you. And realizing that love exists. Show your head. Jin Ho! Did I say I wouldn't? Do it softly, will you? Jin Ho, does it hurt a lot? Did it seem like it wouldn't hurt? Jin Ho, let me take a look. What do you need to look at it for? Let me see. You got hit 5 times already. Aigoo. I didn't realize it had gotten this red. Jin Ho, I'll blow on it for you. Never mind. I'll blow on it. It'll make it feel better. I said never mind. You think it'll get better because you blow on it? ! But, you were the one that said to not take it easy on each other! This is all just evidence that you're unhappy with me for some reason! Oh, really! That's petty of you. Why are you getting so upset over a game? You didn't know I was a petty guy by nature? Oh, geez! Why blow on my face... Jin Ho. Do you feel it? My violently beating heart? The only one who can relieve it... is you. Jin Ho. I must be crazy. You really don't know what that means? That means, "Because you didn't sleep with me," "I dumped you. " You really don't know that's what it means? But, am I okay just staying like this? Ah, I'm dying. But, do a man and a woman have to sleep together for it to be love? The desire to touch and hold the woman he loves... is a natural instinct in a man. But, there must exist a woman that a man doesn't want to lose, even without having that sort of thing! Aigoo. Jin Ho, what should I do? I want to be with Jin Ho, but I'm a little scared. What if he doesn't like the way I am? Do I need to muster up some courage? Oh my gosh! Can I sleep here? Y- you can't. I'm scared to death. What did you do when I wasn't here? What else? I slept with In Hee. Come here. When I was in school, I didn't have time to think about anything other than studying. School and my house, those two places were my entire world. I'm boring you, aren't I? Have you forgotten that I'm a man? If you keep doing this, it makes it harder on me. A kiss on the forehead instills faith and trust. Park Gae In's weather forecast for tomorrow: I mustered up some courage, using thunder as an excuse. However, you looked after me with faith and trust. Could it be that you really didn't see my clumsy confession? Hoping for more rain tomorrow, full of shyness, this has been Park Gae In's weather forecast. How could I sleep with all your snoring? Who? Who snores? ! That I could handle. But I really couldn't handle the teeth-grinding. Lie! Look in the mirror. You can see the drool marks, right? Huh? What kind of woman sleeps like such an oaf? Are you really going to go on like that? I'm proud of you. Ah, you startled me. Looks like you finally got further along. What are you talking about? So this time with the lights off, you proved to her that you're a real man, right? I was really worried. It wasn't like that, so don't assume too much. You don't have to tell me the details, but just give me the general gist of what you did. Ay... Have you two really already gone that far? What about Hye Mi? Don't just keep saying, "What about Hye Mi?" and do something about Hye Mi. Well, then. What am I supposed to do? Teach him. I'm telling you it wasn't anything like that. Look! That intensity! What? That intensity is the key. Intensity! 1, 2... 3! We did "sleep" together. So then, you just held hands... Then, can that be called sleeping together or not? Oh, how frustrating! You're you, but I'm at a loss with Jin Ho. Don't you think he's too incredible? A man who knows how to look out for the woman he loves. Jin Ho is really the man I've dreamed of. Mmm. Then, you go on forever just holding hands and dreaming. Gae In! Smile! Why do you keep taking so many pictures? ! This is all for you. Dam Art Gallery children's lounge head furniture designer, Park Gae In! A title like that... Don't you know what kind of marketing effect it has on sales? So, I'm asking why do you have to do that sort of thing? At that scale, it will be hard to adequately meet the visitors' expectations. Please try to secure as much area around the perimeter of the gallery as you can. Yes, I understand. Anyhow, when I start working on the Doyle Furniture launch, I won't have time for anything else. Gae In, about Chang Ryul... Don't talk about Chang Ryul! Just thinking of how Han Chang Ryul caused a fight between Jin Ho and me yesterday... What? What now? ! - Well, yesterday, Chang Ryul... - Park Gae In! You've got some skill. You couldn't even get a birthday present when you were dating, and you got one now that you've broken up. Hey! Hey! Don't you see me? She must not be able to see me. What am I, invisible? When were we ever on greeting terms? Wow! She really wants to get her head bashed in. I guess this is what people mean when they say, "The wench that farts is the one that gets mad about it. " I see your mouth is still the same. What? You really... Stop it. Right. I shouldn't even talk to her. Yeah. But, did you get a present from that punk? - No, I didn't. - What do you mean, "no"? When I said it was your birthday, it seemed like he was preparing something big. Why would you tell Chang Ryul that it was my birthday? So that the two of you could enjoy yourselves. Kim In Hee. When you push Chang Ryul and I together like that, does it make you feel better? Because you think that way, you and Jin Ho can get together? Park Gae In! I don't know how much free time you have to be remembering my birthday. But I'm so busy I didn't even remember my own birthday. So, can you please leave now? Whoa! Park Gae In! I'm proud of you. I was going to jump in and help you out, but you're a pro. I learned it all from you. Aren't you thankful? Hye Mi, I called because I have a favor to ask. Sanggojae was built by professor Park Chul Han. And the Chairman liked it so much that he asked him to do the design, but the Professor turned him down. About the time of the completion of Sanggojae, Professor Park Chul Han lost his wife. But after that, for almost 30 years, it hasn't been opened to outsiders. Sanggojae is a small universe that will inspire my wife and child to dream. No matter how I think about it, in my opinion, the information on this is wrong. It's not like we haven't seen Sanggojae. No matter how much I look over it, somehow, it just seems insufficient as the concept for the Dam Art Gallery. Which brings me to this. What if you gently ask Gae In about it? What I'm saying is that, since she's his daughter and all, don't you think she might know something? Hyung. Do you really want to turn me into a bad guy? Listen. You know what kind of situation we're in! No matter how much you like Gae In, we've got a complaint filed against us. We've been asked to move out. We're not in a situation to just sit back right now! I'll take care of everything. So, from now on, don't involve Gae In in any of this. I'm asking you. When you were dating Miss Park, did you ever hear anything about Professor Park's design plans for Sanggojae? No. I looked into it. Sanggojae is no ordinary hanok. Then, what? It's just one part of the big picture Professor Park created. Ahh... That's why, from the very beginning, Director Choi had Professor Park in mind. Right. If we can only get our hands on Professor Park's design plan, then the Dam Art Gallery project would be a sure win. Then, carry on. Hello. Is this your first time at our gallery? Ah, yes. Shall I guide you? And you are? Ah, I haven't introduced myself. I'm the Dam Art Gallery Director, Choi Do Bin. Ah, yes. Is there something specific you're looking for? I'm here to meet Kim In Hee, who works here. Ah, Kim In Hee? And what's your connection to Kim In Hee? Are you her aunt? No. I'm Jeon Jin Ho's mother. Ah, Mother. I see President Jeon gets his good looks from his mother. You are quite a beauty. You flatter me. I did hear I was pretty when I was younger. If it's all right with you, I'll show you around. That would be nice. Wouldn't I be taking up your valuable time? No. It would be an honor for me. Being the mother of such a respectable man like President Jeon, you're no different than a mother to me. But to consider you a son... Well, the age... Ah, that's true. Anyhow, let me lead you this way. Ah, ah, yes. Mother. Hello. Hello. Something good has happened. That something was meeting someone like you. And realizing that love exists. What? What would real love taste like? Is it a sweet feeling? What would a kiss that consumes the darkness be like? Would the sky light up and would I hear the pretty sound of bells? Ah, Jin Ho! Huh? - Oh! - Oh! This is why I can't take my eyes off of you for a second! Am I that pretty? Excuse me? Didn't you say that you couldn't take your eyes off of me for a second? Aren't you even embarrassed, saying something like that? I'm not embarrassed. But I was working so much today, I haven't had a chance to eat a bite. I'm dying of hunger. Then, you should have said something before. We could have gone for dinner instead of coffee. Let's go! To eat? I came out because Hye Mi asked me to. But, what is this concerning? I really thought long and hard about whether to tell you this. But, I think telling you is the right thing to do. What? Jin Ho is faced with many difficult situations these days. Jin Ho is facing difficulties? Because of the woman he's seeing, Park Gae In. Han Chang Ryul wants to split up the two of them. So he keeps pressuring Jin Ho. He has to move out of his office, and even has a complaint filed against him. W- what did you say? If Park Gae In had ended it cleanly with Han Chang Ryul from the beginning, this would have never happened. But, even while she's dating Jin Ho, she's still seeing Han Chang Ryul. If Jin Ho doesn't break it off with Park Gae In, who knows what else Han Chang Ryul will do? What can I do about it? What if you try to persuade Park Gae In? Jin Ho, you should go home now. You haven't been home for 2 days. I'm sure your mother will be worried. Outside of Sanggojae, I have nowhere else to go. Don't be stubborn and go home. Gae In, what do you think of these? Geez, really! Is it okay if I sleep crouched up on my office sofa? After trying it a couple of nights, I really don't think I can keep it up. You really haven't been going home? I told you. Outside of Sanggojae, I have nowhere else to go. If she's human at all, I don't think she could ignore your earnest plea. But, why are you telling me all of this? From what Hye Mi said, your wedding with Han Chang Ryul was called off because of Park Gae In. If things work out between my Jin Ho and Park Gae In, wouldn't you be able to get Han Chang Ryul back? This isn't based on any personal motive like that. Jin Ho is currently working on a proposal for our Dam Art Gallery. Because he's such a capable person, the Director and I value him very much. I'm just very worried that something might go wrong because of this. I intend to help him as far as I can. So, don't worry too much. Is it because you can't trust me? I'm confident that I can sleep just holding your hand until my mother is persuaded. I'm just wondering, why do you have to do this? That's all. Because I want to be with you. I want you to be acknowledged as my woman. Thank you. At times like this, when someone feels grateful, didn't you tell me that one should just say, "Thank you"? Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translator: meju Timer: wichitawx Editor/QC: doozy Coordinators: mily2, ay_link So you won't answer my calls? I'm planning to bring him to Korea as a special judge. She's so against it. Do you really have to see that woman? What if you tried to persuade Park Gae In? Because of Park Gae In, my Jin Ho's life gets ruined? Does Jin Ho's mother like you? Why would Jin Ho use me? Professor Park has scheduled his return to the country. Are you really thinking of competing with him squarely? Call me, Jeon Jin Ho. Call me. Did you come because you miss me? The real fight begins now. Mother, something terrible's happened! Jin Ho oppa has been kicked out of his office! What the hell has happened here? I'm Professor Park Chul Han. My father has never explained a reason to me about anything. Gae In! When I was young... Gae In! Mom! Watch dramas legally at dramafever. com | crunchyroll. com He said that there used to be a big glass above here. On days when the weather was nice, it was designed to let the sunlight in. While your mother worked in here, she could watch you playing up there. 3 bears lived in a single house, Daddy bear, Mommy bear, Baby bear. Daddy bear is fat... Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. But why was this room boarded up? It's such a unique feature for a hanok* (*Traditional Korean house) Gae In! Gae In! What's the matter? Gae In! Hey, Park Gae In! Gae In, are you all right? Gae In. Gae In. Gae In. Is your head clearing now? I feel like I had a bad nightmare. My mother... I... Mom. My mom... This isn't good. Let me get you some medicine. I don't want any. Don't go. I'm scared. Don't worry. I won't go anywhere. Like a fool... Why didn't I know? Like a fool... Why did I let you go? Like a fool... In my slow crying heart... Only now, only now I realize. That it's just you... That you're my only person That it's just you, that only you fill my heart. Like a fool, I'm only realizing now... [Episode 13 - A Special Birthday Gift] Jin Ho. Jin Ho. You're awake? How are you feeling? I feel a lot better. I drew a bath for you. So, why don't you take a soak? It'll make you feel even better. So nice. Do you like it? I bought it in Jeju Island, thinking of you. Ah. It's really nice. That's a relief. The moment I smelled the scent, you came to mind. What did it feel like? Hmm... mild and clear. Do you know that this is the first time I've ever dried someone's hair? This is the first time anyone's dried my hair. It feels really awkward. Give it to me. I'll do it. Don't get sick anymore. I won't go anywhere and leave you alone. Hey! Get in! How embarrassing! What is this? ! It's a pick up! Geez, really! The things you do... aigoo. Really! But Unni, what is that? Stop calling me Unni. It's become a habit. What can I say? This? Gae In's not feeling well. So I packed some porridge. Oh, really? What about you? Oh, Jin Ho asked me to bring him some documents. What are you doing, cutting in? ! So, did you find a new office? Not yet. Honey, it's kind of awkward for me to be saying this, but even though Gae In offered to lend Jin Ho money, it's a little... Even if she wants to loan it, we can't take it. Really? Why? Actually, it was Han Chang Ryul that invested in Doyle Furniture for the brand launch. Knowing that, how can we take it? Oh, I swear that crazy bastard... Really! You have to tell Gae In! Well, Gae In's so happy. It seemed like Jin Ho couldn't tell her. What do we do? She was so happy that she would get acknowledgement from her father. You're cold, aren't you? I have the feeling our timing isn't so good. You came? Hey! You called me first thing in the morning to rub it in, didn't you? That's what I'm saying. Hey, Gae In. Aren't you hot? In this weather, it's not like you're a bean paste pot or anything. Bean paste... What do you mean hot? Jin Ho said that just because you have a fever, it doesn't mean you should stay cold. - Aigoo, really. Aigoo. - Tch! That Jin Ho... he doesn't just look perfect. I guess he's also attentive. Aigoo. I got up first thing to get abalone and made porridge to see this sort of scene. Aigoo. Hey, I was really sick. Yeah, Tae Hoon. What is it? What do we do, Hyung? Why? What's wrong? There's been a complaint filed against us. And you guys aren't here. What? If it doesn't print, check the cartridge. Excuse me? What are you talking about? The accuser's wife is here making a ruckus and everything! Why are you calling the service center for that? I'll be on my way. So, don't worry. I'm sorry. I wanted to stay with you today. It's fine. I'm okay now. So, don't worry and go. But, we're both going to fix a printer? We have to work. Young Seon, please take good care of Gae In. Ah, yes, yes. Do you think I'd let her get worse? Oh! Have you totally lost it? Look at those scary eyes. Well, then... Unni, call me later. What, are we dating? Go. Hey hey hey. Hey! What's going on? You brought your car, right? Let's talk on the way. Ah, thank you. Hey, you don't look sick. In fact, your coloring looks better. And your face is brighter. Were you really sick? I was really sick. And you can stuff your face like that? I have to eat and get stronger. So it's less difficult for my Jin Ho. Do you know how you're really making it difficult for Jin Ho? What did I do? Never mind. No use talking to you. I'm thinking you need to be born again as a real woman to understand. I... I think I'm a real woman now. What? While he was nursing you... Kiss. Hey, different kisses mean different things. On the hand, it's the regret of parting. A kiss on the forehead instills faith and trust. On the nose, he's fallen for you or something like that. Then, what about on the neck? Well that's desire, obviously... Jin Ho did that? He really kissed you on the neck? Yeah. It's come. The moment has come. Get up immediately. Oh, President Jeon. Chief. I tried so hard to talk to Mr. Kim, but ultimately he's causing trouble. Was there a problem in the handling of the accident? Of course, there wasn't. You saw it too. That he checked out completely fine. Then, why? Why is a completely healthy person like you back in the hospital? Healthy? Who's completely healthy? Geez. You checked out without any complications. My joints are throbbing, and if I move even a little bit, I'm so dizzy that I can't work. Geez! If you have residual symptoms, then of course you should be treated. We'll take responsibility for all the necessary treatments. President Jeon says he'll take responsibility, so withdraw the complaint. You charge someone when he disregards an accident. I don't know how much it's going to cost eventually. I should just trust his word and get stabbed in the back? ! It's always best to just get everything dealt with by the law. Could it be... that the man who was poking around about problems with President Jeon's work... is the reason you're doing this? Who was poking around? Seriously, professionals like us! What are you talking about? So, you're saying someone was hounding you about problems while working with us? President Jeon. Do you know someone who has a grudge against you? Or maybe something bad happened between you and a competitor? Hyung, you go to the office first. You came? What kind of crap are you up to? Crap? You don't know what I'm talking about? Listen to you talk about crap. I just used an underhanded tactic against an underhanded guy. What underhanded thing did I do to you? Why the hell did you move into Sanggojae? You knew that the concept for the Dam Art Gallery was Sanggojae, didn't you? If Gae In knows why you moved into Sanggojae, do you think she'll overlook it? And you also pretended to be gay so you could get in there, didn't you? Whatever the reason for my moving into Sanggojae, my feelings for Gae In are sincere. Jeon Jin Ho. You know the story of the shepherd boy who cried wolf? You are exactly like that shepherd boy. Whatever you say at this point, do you think Gae In will believe you? Gae In will believe me. All right, then. Continue on believing that. I'll be watching with both eyes to see how long you can stand firmly like that. Right. Don't look anywhere else and watch carefully. So, you plan to use Gae In to the very end. Are you doing this because you want to get revenge on my father? Are you saying right now that because of that revenge, you're going to use and hurt Gae In, for whom you claim to have sincere feelings? ! Think whatever you want. For this exhibit, the concept is public communication. Oh... I see securing an exhibit space as more important than an exhibit room. I'm preparing an open exhibit space as you ordered. Good. You always do your job meticulously, so I'm very confident. Oh, right. I saw in the documents earlier that today is Park Gae In's birthday. Are you meeting her? Ah, yes. Ah, I see. Okay, you may go. Do you know that today is Gae In's birthday? Birthday? Yes. Last year, you got her hopes up talking about some big event, but ultimately, you forgot. Oh, that was what I did. I forgot this year too, but you should remember. Okay. But... You think it would be okay for me to give her a birthday present? Me? Well, a present shows your feelings. Then, what would be good? Do I have to help you figure out every little thing? ! You called? Yeah. First of all, order a hundred roses, and contact the jewelry shop and have them bring over a catalog of new items. Yes, I'll do that. No. That's not it. I don't need any of that, so just go. Okay. Right. Because Park Gae In is not Kim In Hee. She's not. Yeah, this is good. Yes, yes. Good, good, good, good! Hey! That's scandalous. What's scandalous? Hey, if a man makes that kind of move, he's determined. What do you mean "determined"? I swear, there's no getting through to you! Hey, it requires two clapping hands to make noise, and lips are meant for kissing. And... Well, anyway... Just a second. Hey, this one is perfect. Perfect! It's so cute! Why are you empty handed? Did you prepare a proper present? You won't be able to move Gae In with a necklace or a ring. Yeah, I know. Because the Gae In I know is on a different level than you. Oh, yeah? But I guess that's the right level for you? Go for it. I'll look forward to it. I swear that Lee Young Seon... What? Determined? Determined about what? What does she see my Jin Ho as? I thought you were working hard, but "my Jin Ho"? Gae In, why is the color of your face like that? Are you sick? Huh? I was just a little unwell. Why? Where? Was it because of that Jin Ho? Yeah, I heard the general story. I hear he's going through some rough times lately. I'm uncomfortable being with you like this. Right. I know, even without you saying it. I came to give you this. It's a birthday present. Birthday? Today is your birthday. You don't know? Ah, it is. Today is my birthday. At least once, I felt I should do something properly for your birthday. There's no need. I wondered what would be a good present for an ex-girlfriend. I thought about it a lot. With your personality, I thought that a present for Jin Ho, rather than for you, would have more meaning. What is this? It's to be used to get a new office. He would accept it, if it were to come from you. Why would you? I told you. It's your birthday present. I thought if he was happy, you'd be happy. That's why I'm doing this. Then, I'll be going. Chang Ryul. Gae In. I can't even do this for you? If you had brought flowers, I probably would have accepted. Do you really think it's the best thing to return this to me? I can't give this to Jin Ho without saying anything about it. And I don't want to lie to him. Right. I know what kind of woman you are better than anyone. And here, I've made this sort of mistake. Okay. If that's the way you feel. I'll go. Jin Ho. Are you mad? I heard you came to work. So, I was going to scold you and take you home. But, I guess there's no need. Don't misunderstand again. I saw an envelope being given and taken with my own eyes. Who wouldn't misunderstand? That wasn't being "given and taken". I just returned it to him. What was in it? Well, that... Anyhow, I didn't accept it. Why? What did he tempt you with this time? Did he give you money? Don't think so badly of Chang Ryul. He seems to be thinking of you a lot. That guy is thinking of me? I feel I might shed tears of gratitude. What about you? Are you considering my feelings at all? How... can you talk like that? Thank you. You withdrew from the unrequited love club. So, why do you look so down? It's because of Jeon Jin Ho, isn't it? Park Gae In, did you do well in math at school? Math? Not really. What about you? I didn't do well either. In the past, I'd look at my friends that were good in math, and I'd think, wouldn't love be an easy problem for them to solve too? I'd wonder about that. If love had an equation and you knew the solution, maybe we wouldn't hurt each other, maybe we wouldn't misunderstand each other, and maybe we could just love. Don't you think? President Jeon Jin Ho. I'm sure he was worse at math than we were. These are admission tickets to the ice rink. You and Jin Ho should make up. Thank you. But, they expire today. Happy Birthday. Thank you. Do you really know love, Jeon Jin Ho? Park Gae In, why do you know so little about love? Ay, I'm telling you that's not it. The more you lay out the welcome mat in cases like this, the more they can't do it. Instead you need something like a soft drizzle, something subtle. That's the better strategy. A drizzle, my foot. Oh, is that so? How does an old bachelor know so much? Aigoo. Forget it! Let's go by the book. By the book. Then, how would you do it by the book? What else? We prepare a cake. True. And we turn on some music, and light a candle. And have a bottle of strong wine in a bucket filled to the brim with ice. - That's right! - And then, open the bottle, pour it, and one shot. Clink! After getting moderately tipsy, they look into each other's eyes. Oh, that's it! - That would work. - Good idea! Aigoo. Tch! I fell for something like that too. Really? That's really romantic. How? Romantic, whatever! It was on a different level. One measly candle on a Choco-Pie, and soju. And oh, the music was awful! We were trying to drum to it when our eyes met. That doesn't sound bad either. No, it doesn't. R-right. Y-you know today is Gae In's birthday, right? Hmm? Hey! You said there was a death anniversary service in your husband's family. Why worry about me? Never mind. What's the big deal about a birthday, anyway. No! I made a big pot of seaweed soup and am eating 'till I explode! Don't worry. Mmm. When did seaweed soup transform into ramen? What are you doing entering someone else's house at your whim? Why is it someone else's house? It's my woman's house. Who's your woman? Then, I'll just be your man. Go change. Why? Gae In's man is sorry for being so petty and angry. And he wants to go on a date. She says to relay the message that she doesn't want to go on a date with such a petty man. Isn't the woman who doesn't accept an apology more petty? That's true. They expire today. It would be a waste of tickets. I'm just going because it would be a waste of tickets. So, don't think it's a date. What is this costume all about? Follow me. What are you doing? It's fun. Now then. Should we get started? Okay. You said you didn't want to go on a date. But this is a total date spot. Did you forget we came because I didn't want to waste the tickets? Who gave you those tickets? Some man gave them to me as a gift. A gift? Then, why didn't you go with that man? That man said to go with you. Director Choi gave them to me. Why do these keep getting tangled? Be careful. So you don't fall. Jin Ho. In movies and dramas, you see lovers going to an ice rink to skate in the summer. The way they hold hands and skate and fall... I really wanted to do it too. - So, that was it? - What? I see you do have a hidden amorous side. It's not like that. It's not? You didn't come here so you could hold my hand and be held? No. I just came because Director Choi gave me the tickets. Let's go! Help me! Oh? Are you okay? We went through all that trouble. If Jin Ho doesn't get any further, he's not gay. He's a eunuch! Aigoo, of course! If not you Unni, who would do such a thing for a friend? Right? Really. Because I have a friend like you, I'm so happy. Who's your friend? No, what I'm saying is that we're friends, aren't we? We... have a really unexplainable complicated relationship. Don't be that way. Let's be friends from now on. Okay. Okay. Here. Okay. Bye, friend. You too, friend. Aren't you going that way? I'm going this way. Why? My house is this way too. Then, our goodbye was pointless. We came together. So, what's the big deal? You should go that way! Then, you go that way! What are you doing? You're embarrassing me. See, you really enjoyed it. Who enjoyed it? You were enjoying it more. When was I enjoying it? - It was totally obvious. - Tch! You know, you're pretty pointlessly tight-lipped? You should have told me before that it was your birthday. I forgot about it too. The candles are all melting. Just a second. Let's make a wish first. Happy birthday. Thank you. What was your wish? I wished that we would never end up deceiving each other again. You weren't even gay, and you moved in pretending you were gay. Jin Ho, what did you wish for? I... I wished that my true feelings would be able to get across to you. Your true feelings? Do you want to hear them? Yes. Are you... confident that you won't get shocked or angry? Yes. I thought many times... about how to tell you. - There's something I actually... - Just a second! Don't tell me. They say that wishes don't come true if you reveal them. Um, Gae In. Um, well... Other than the cake and candles, is there no other present? Do you need a different present? Aren't I a present? You're a... a present? Yes. You don't want me? Just a moment. Let me just get ready. Get ready? Get ready for what? Yeah. I don't think it's something I should tell you on a day like this. A glass ceiling will cost quite a bit. And new paint. I bet she'll like it if I fix it up, right? You know... He's trying to tell me. Tell you what? It couldn't be... Tonight? With you? And so? I stopped him. Aigoo, you headache. You should have just let him. How? My heart was pounding and... But, get this. Jin Ho said that he was my birthday present. Right! That's it, exactly! Wow! That Jin Ho has some sense. That's what this is, isn't it? Of course! But, what are you doing? I'm just kind of fretting about it. What should I do? What do you mean what should you do? First of all, you know the lingerie I bought you? Wear it no matter what. Th-then, I should first put this on. And then what? A woman that comes on too strong and forward isn't appealing. Mmm, you play a light game and create a really relaxed mood. Something that requires a little physical contact. Something good has happened. That something was meeting someone like you. And realizing that love exists. Show your head. Jin Ho! Did I say I wouldn't? Do it softly, will you? Jin Ho, does it hurt a lot? Did it seem like it wouldn't hurt? Jin Ho, let me take a look. What do you need to look at it for? Let me see. You got hit 5 times already. Aigoo. I didn't realize it had gotten this red. Jin Ho, I'll blow on it for you. Never mind. I'll blow on it. It'll make it feel better. I said never mind. You think it'll get better because you blow on it? ! But, you were the one that said to not take it easy on each other! This is all just evidence that you're unhappy with me for some reason! Oh, really! That's petty of you. Why are you getting so upset over a game? You didn't know I was a petty guy by nature? Oh, geez! Why blow on my face... Jin Ho. Do you feel it? My violently beating heart? The only one who can relieve it... is you. Jin Ho. I must be crazy. You really don't know what that means? That means, "Because you didn't sleep with me," "I dumped you. " You really don't know that's what it means? But, am I okay just staying like this? Ah, I'm dying. But, do a man and a woman have to sleep together for it to be love? The desire to touch and hold the woman he loves... is a natural instinct in a man. But, there must exist a woman that a man doesn't want to lose, even without having that sort of thing! Aigoo. Jin Ho, what should I do? I want to be with Jin Ho, but I'm a little scared. What if he doesn't like the way I am? Do I need to muster up some courage? Oh my gosh! Can I sleep here? Y- you can't. I'm scared to death. What did you do when I wasn't here? What else? I slept with In Hee. Come here. When I was in school, I didn't have time to think about anything other than studying. School and my house, those two places were my entire world. I'm boring you, aren't I? Have you forgotten that I'm a man? If you keep doing this, it makes it harder on me. A kiss on the forehead instills faith and trust. Park Gae In's weather forecast for tomorrow: I mustered up some courage, using thunder as an excuse. However, you looked after me with faith and trust. Could it be that you really didn't see my clumsy confession? Hoping for more rain tomorrow, full of shyness, this has been Park Gae In's weather forecast. How could I sleep with all your snoring? Who? Who snores? ! That I could handle. But I really couldn't handle the teeth-grinding. Lie! Look in the mirror. You can see the drool marks, right? Huh? What kind of woman sleeps like such an oaf? Are you really going to go on like that? I'm proud of you. Ah, you startled me. Looks like you finally got further along. What are you talking about? So this time with the lights off, you proved to her that you're a real man, right? I was really worried. It wasn't like that, so don't assume too much. You don't have to tell me the details, but just give me the general gist of what you did. Ay... Have you two really already gone that far? What about Hye Mi? Don't just keep saying, "What about Hye Mi?" and do something about Hye Mi. Well, then. What am I supposed to do? Teach him. I'm telling you it wasn't anything like that. Look! That intensity! What? That intensity is the key. Intensity! 1, 2... 3! We did "sleep" together. So then, you just held hands... Then, can that be called sleeping together or not? Oh, how frustrating! You're you, but I'm at a loss with Jin Ho. Don't you think he's too incredible? A man who knows how to look out for the woman he loves. Jin Ho is really the man I've dreamed of. Mmm. Then, you go on forever just holding hands and dreaming. Gae In! Smile! Why do you keep taking so many pictures? ! This is all for you. Dam Art Gallery children's lounge head furniture designer, Park Gae In! A title like that... Don't you know what kind of marketing effect it has on sales? So, I'm asking why do you have to do that sort of thing? At that scale, it will be hard to adequately meet the visitors' expectations. Please try to secure as much area around the perimeter of the gallery as you can. Yes, I understand. Anyhow, when I start working on the Doyle Furniture launch, I won't have time for anything else. Gae In, about Chang Ryul... Don't talk about Chang Ryul! Just thinking of how Han Chang Ryul caused a fight between Jin Ho and me yesterday... What? What now? ! - Well, yesterday, Chang Ryul... - Park Gae In! You've got some skill. You couldn't even get a birthday present when you were dating, and you got one now that you've broken up. Hey! Hey! Don't you see me? She must not be able to see me. What am I, invisible? When were we ever on greeting terms? Wow! She really wants to get her head bashed in. I guess this is what people mean when they say, "The wench that farts is the one that gets mad about it. " I see your mouth is still the same. What? You really... Stop it. Right. I shouldn't even talk to her. Yeah. But, did you get a present from that punk? - No, I didn't. - What do you mean, "no"? When I said it was your birthday, it seemed like he was preparing something big. Why would you tell Chang Ryul that it was my birthday? So that the two of you could enjoy yourselves. Kim In Hee. When you push Chang Ryul and I together like that, does it make you feel better? Because you think that way, you and Jin Ho can get together? Park Gae In! I don't know how much free time you have to be remembering my birthday. But I'm so busy I didn't even remember my own birthday. So, can you please leave now? Whoa! Park Gae In! I'm proud of you. I was going to jump in and help you out, but you're a pro. I learned it all from you. Aren't you thankful? Hye Mi, I called because I have a favor to ask. Sanggojae was built by professor Park Chul Han. And the Chairman liked it so much that he asked him to do the design, but the Professor turned him down. About the time of the completion of Sanggojae, Professor Park Chul Han lost his wife. But after that, for almost 30 years, it hasn't been opened to outsiders. Sanggojae is a small universe that will inspire my wife and child to dream. No matter how I think about it, in my opinion, the information on this is wrong. It's not like we haven't seen Sanggojae. No matter how much I look over it, somehow, it just seems insufficient as the concept for the Dam Art Gallery. Which brings me to this. What if you gently ask Gae In about it? What I'm saying is that, since she's his daughter and all, don't you think she might know something? Hyung. Do you really want to turn me into a bad guy? Listen. You know what kind of situation we're in! No matter how much you like Gae In, we've got a complaint filed against us. We've been asked to move out. We're not in a situation to just sit back right now! I'll take care of everything. So, from now on, don't involve Gae In in any of this. I'm asking you. When you were dating Miss Park, did you ever hear anything about Professor Park's design plans for Sanggojae? No. I looked into it. Sanggojae is no ordinary hanok. Then, what? It's just one part of the big picture Professor Park created. Ahh... That's why, from the very beginning, Director Choi had Professor Park in mind. Right. If we can only get our hands on Professor Park's design plan, then the Dam Art Gallery project would be a sure win. Then, carry on. Hello. Is this your first time at our gallery? Ah, yes. Shall I guide you? And you are? Ah, I haven't introduced myself. I'm the Dam Art Gallery Director, Choi Do Bin. Ah, yes. Is there something specific you're looking for? I'm here to meet Kim In Hee, who works here. Ah, Kim In Hee? And what's your connection to Kim In Hee? Are you her aunt? No. I'm Jeon Jin Ho's mother. Ah, Mother. I see President Jeon gets his good looks from his mother. You are quite a beauty. You flatter me. I did hear I was pretty when I was younger. If it's all right with you, I'll show you around. That would be nice. Wouldn't I be taking up your valuable time? No. It would be an honor for me. Being the mother of such a respectable man like President Jeon, you're no different than a mother to me. But to consider you a son... Well, the age... Ah, that's true. Anyhow, let me lead you this way. Ah, ah, yes. Mother. Hello. Hello. Something good has happened. That something was meeting someone like you. And realizing that love exists. What? What would real love taste like? Is it a sweet feeling? What would a kiss that consumes the darkness be like? Would the sky light up and would I hear the pretty sound of bells? Ah, Jin Ho! Huh? - Oh! - Oh! This is why I can't take my eyes off of you for a second! Am I that pretty? Excuse me? Didn't you say that you couldn't take your eyes off of me for a second? Aren't you even embarrassed, saying something like that? I'm not embarrassed. But I was working so much today, I haven't had a chance to eat a bite. I'm dying of hunger. Then, you should have said something before. We could have gone for dinner instead of coffee. Let's go! To eat? I came out because Hye Mi asked me to. But, what is this concerning? I really thought long and hard about whether to tell you this. But, I think telling you is the right thing to do. What? Jin Ho is faced with many difficult situations these days. Jin Ho is facing difficulties? Because of the woman he's seeing, Park Gae In. Han Chang Ryul wants to split up the two of them. So he keeps pressuring Jin Ho. He has to move out of his office, and even has a complaint filed against him. W- what did you say? If Park Gae In had ended it cleanly with Han Chang Ryul from the beginning, this would have never happened. But, even while she's dating Jin Ho, she's still seeing Han Chang Ryul. If Jin Ho doesn't break it off with Park Gae In, who knows what else Han Chang Ryul will do? What can I do about it? What if you try to persuade Park Gae In? Jin Ho, you should go home now. You haven't been home for 2 days. I'm sure your mother will be worried. Outside of Sanggojae, I have nowhere else to go. Don't be stubborn and go home. Gae In, what do you think of these? Geez, really! Is it okay if I sleep crouched up on my office sofa? After trying it a couple of nights, I really don't think I can keep it up. You really haven't been going home? I told you. Outside of Sanggojae, I have nowhere else to go. If she's human at all, I don't think she could ignore your earnest plea. But, why are you telling me all of this? From what Hye Mi said, your wedding with Han Chang Ryul was called off because of Park Gae In. If things work out between my Jin Ho and Park Gae In, wouldn't you be able to get Han Chang Ryul back? This isn't based on any personal motive like that. Jin Ho is currently working on a proposal for our Dam Art Gallery. Because he's such a capable person, the Director and I value him very much. I'm just very worried that something might go wrong because of this. I intend to help him as far as I can. So, don't worry too much. Is it because you can't trust me? I'm confident that I can sleep just holding your hand until my mother is persuaded. I'm just wondering, why do you have to do this? That's all. Because I want to be with you. I want you to be acknowledged as my woman. Thank you. At times like this, when someone feels grateful, didn't you tell me that one should just say, "Thank you"? So you won't answer my calls? I'm planning to bring him to Korea as a special judge. She's so against it. Do you really have to see that woman? What if you tried to persuade Park Gae In? Because of Park Gae In, my Jin Ho's life gets ruined? Does Jin Ho's mother like you? Why would Jin Ho use me? Professor Park has scheduled his return to the country. Are you really thinking of competing with him squarely? Call me, Jeon Jin Ho. Call me. Did you come because you miss me? The real fight begins now. Mother, something terrible's happened! Jin Ho oppa has been kicked out of his office! What the hell has happened here? I'm Professor Park Chul Han. My father has never explained a reason to me about anything. Gae In! When I was young... Gae In! Mom! Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Episode 2 Gae In... You... Why... Why...? Why are you...? Sorry. Sorry? You say that... When you step on someone's foot on the bus. When... Since when did you...? Is that important? What's important is that Chang Ryul chose me, and I'm going to marry him. Gae In, I'm begging you, I'll take the punishment later, but couldn't we do this later? Punishment? What punishment? Just because you dated, does it mean you have to marry? This person... Hey! Kim In Hee! - Secretary Kim! Secretary Kim! - Hey! Secretary Kim! Secretary Kim! - Let go! Get off of me! - Get out! Hey, you jerks! Hey, isn't that woman... that woman from before? What a crazy situation. It's a Han Chang Ryul two-timing situation is what it is. I'm not going let you be! What are you doing? Hurry up! It seems like there was a misunderstanding. Let's continue on. Well-wishers, please take your seats. We will continue with the ceremony. Let go! Let go! I said let me go! Hey, make sure they don't get out until the wedding's over. - Got it? - Yes sir. I was certain there was a mole next to her nose. When did she have it removed? Huh? It comes off. Oh geez... Hey, you saw that right? Han Chang Ryul is a terrible person like that. Things come to this and look how he does nothing, like it's not his problem. You should be grateful a thousand times you didn't marry him. You cannot leave. Get off of me! I didn't do anything wrong! That man getting married right now... Is the same man I've been dating even up until yesterday. And the bride is my friend of ten years. She said she was getting married, so to congratulate her, hoping she'd be a happy bride, I even made them a bed. You dimwit, you didn't even know anything and you came here? Fool... That wicked wench, She's swapped men so often, but even with so many men, she has to steal her friend's man? - I told you, it's not me! - Wait a minute. Wasn't she dating Yong Joon just a month ago? It's not me. It wasn't Yong Joon... No, that's not it. Was it Dong Kwon? She's had so many men I get all their names confused! Hyung, Director Choi has stood up. Wait. Those guys are from Ji Woo Architecture Firm. If we're not careful, this could backfire. You said you knew people from the Dam Art Gallery, right? Dam Art Gallery? Yeah, that's right. Find something out for me. I'll call you. And is that all. Is there any part of her that she hasn't had fixed? She got her eyes lifted, her nose raised! What are you doing? ! You're broadcasting throughout the whole building! The kid! Kid! Aigoo! Aigoo! Get off! Hey! Something big happened! Let's go! Who are you? Huh? ! Who's my friend? Are you the woman I've been dating? No, I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. What do you mean, no? I'm going to press charges! Sorry. Excuse me. In Hee! Hey, In Hee! Wait a second! In Hee! Do you feel better now? It would have been better if you told me earlier. Sorry for interrupting your wedding. It's okay because I'm not going to be sorry anymore either. This woman! You should feel bad for this the rest of your life, you wicked wench. Hey! In Hee, are you okay? Let me see. Yeah, Hyung. Uh huh. Thank you. Call me when you get to the underground parking. That crazy woman. How could she throw away a 10 year friendship because of a man? Walk with your back straight. You must have saved the country in your past life. That's why you managed to avoid a guy like that. And, they say when you get rid of crap car, a Benz comes along. Young Seon. What? Tell me. I'll go alone from here. Why? You sure you'll be fine? I can stay with you and... It's okay. Don't worry. - Are you sure? - I'm not okay! Of course I'm not okay! If you were me, do you think you'd be okay? ! I'm leaving. Why is she snapping at me? That girl and her temper... Let's go that way. What is this? I'm sorry. I left quickly and I made a mistake... I'm really sorry. That's enough. If you left your contact information, you can leave. The Dream Art Center Presentation... We've changed our minds. Today's situation is kind of... If you could contact us around Tuesday... In Hee, just a moment. I mean, I'm in the same position as- In Hee, I'm in the same position as you! In Hee. Just wait a moment! In Hee! I really did tell Gae In! - I even gave her the invitation! - Just forget it. Forget it! You lie every time you open your mouth! Look what happened because of you! Wait, lies? As for lying, you're no lightweight. Who's Yong Joon? Okay, fine. If we start talking about the past, I'm sure neither one of us has anything to be proud of. Instead from now on, just look at me. Got it? - Hand over the ticket. - Ticket? Yeah! Ticket! Let's forget about our wedding and have our honeymoon first! Have I been shot by a gun? Why would I go on a honeymoon with you? ! Wait a minute, what are you talking about? We have to go together! I'm the crazy one. Forget it. In Hee. In Hee! Director, it's a miracle you didn't get hit. You call yourself a man when you can't even manage a woman and end up creating a disaster like this? ! - Father... - Father? A son has to act like a proper son to have a father. Don't ever call me father again. You hear? ! My poor director. First you get thrown away by your bride and now you can't even call your father "Father" anymore. This is all your fault. What did I tell you? I told you to prevent this from happening! There was a mole on her nose but then it came off! Mole? What mole? ! Smiling as you say goodbye, you told me to be happy as though nothing was wrong Watching your back as you walked away, I prayed you wouldn't cry because of me If I see the falling tears, I can't leave, I can't let you go, but because the rain was falling, it was really okay Because I couldn't see your tears, it was okay Because it was okay, I couldn't hold you back. Because the rain that could erase the painful memories in your heart was falling down Because you're heart was crying, because the rain was falling Because my heart was crying, because the rain was falling Because I loved you, I couldn't hold you back To embrace the sadness in your clear and gentle life, I think I may become the rain Yeah. Oh, okay. Thank you. This project was supposed to go to a foreign architect, but Director Choi changed that. He says that the foreign architects have compete in the same public bid process. Really? If it's fair play, then it's good for us. Really... We didn't even know that and were about to just confront him head on. You really are an asset. This is only the start. Did you come back from the wedding? Hey, you lost the bet! Why are you here? Get out! How could you kick me out from losing a drinking bet? Hyung, take out Tae Hoon's desk. Yeah, let's do that. Where are all the employees? No! You can't do that! You'll probably come to regret it if you do! Why is it the way you want it? - Fine, then you get no pay check. - Pay check? Not my paycheck! Hyung! Hyung! I have some information, a real scoop. Really? We don't need it! Bye-bye! It's information that can help us win the Dam Art Gallery project. Have you heard of Sanggojae? Sangwoojae. Or isn't it? Is it "go"? It's not "go", Hyungnim. It's Sangwoojae. Right, Sangwoojae. This fella sure did put a large sign up. But, anyway. in our country, was there such a... Gae In, answer the phone! Gae In! [Won Ho] Lee Won Ho, what could you possibly have to say to me? You are being connected to voicemail. I'm sorry, Gae In. I took 10,000,000 won from you in secret. There was a celebrity that did TV commercials and everything. I thought it was a bank. But it was only a bank on the door sign. I'll pay you back. I'm sorry. Bad people... I trusted them and spent it. "Bad people, I trusted them and spent it" Hyungnim! I found a rat! Catch him! Catch him! Catch him! [Han Chang Ryul, Kim In Hee] Han Chang Ryul, is this all you could do? [Warning notice] What do you mean auction? Hey Lee Won Ho! Answer the phone! Hey! So you're saying the Dam Art Gallery's parent company, MS group's chairman... is your father's friend. Okay, here a new person enters the stage. Sanggojae was built by professor Park Chul Han, and the Chairman liked it so much, that he asked him to do the design, but he turned it down. Yes. But the chairman's feelings about Sanggojae are still very strong. That's exactly it. Hey, Jin Ho, If this information is true, this bid is in the bag. I said it's true! First, let's find out more about Sanggojae. Hey, Lee Won Ho. Father? Why are you calling at this time? Isn't it dawn there? Yes, have you been well? Anything particular? No, there's nothing going on. It's been such a long time since we last talked... May? ! Weren't you supposed to come in August? Ah, yes. I'll see you then. What do I do? What do I do? If Father finds out, I'm dead. Hey, Gae In, focus! There has to be a way... Think... Installment savings fund, 2,250,000 won, If I break into the insurance... In Hee. Kim In Hee! Young Seon... What am I going to do? Gae In. Park Gae In. Why do you have the lights out so ominously? Be strong. You're here? But still, you clearly want to go on living as you're stuffing your face. Eat. I still have you, Young Seon. Girl, aren't we family? - That's why I'm asking... - Mmm? Do you have money? Hey, that looks good. I made you this NaMul right? Really....aigoo. Am I a stranger? Well if you really think about it, we're not really family. It's not like we're related. Just go, you wicked girl. Just tell your father the truth. Are you saying this because you don't know what he's like? Why did your father love your mother that much? Lee Young Seon. I mean, I'm just saying... The two of you only have only each other as family, and it seems the two of you have such a hard time. Sorry. [Hanok*, the Classic Meets the Modern] (*traditionally built Korean homes) About the time of the completion of Sanggojae, Professor Park Chul Han lost his wife. But after that, for almost 30 years, it hasn't been open to outsiders. But for a house built by an architect like Professor Park Han Chul, don't you think the exterior looks rather simple? What is it that captured Chairman Choi's attention? Park Chul Han is in England as an exchange professor. Then who lives there now? I heard his daughter lives there. Wait. If it's his daughter, then she's a girl. And if she's a girl... bravo, Jeon Jin Ho. Where else would we use your sweet looking face and nice body? Let's use your looks. Stop saying senseless things and focus. Why is this senseless? It's a precise strategy. And Professor Park's wife is heard to be pretty as a picture. If his daughter looks anything like her mother, she'll be really pretty. Enough of that. Tomorrow, I'll make the move on Dam Art Gallery. Hyung, since you like pretty women, go you try and convince her. I wanted to get acknowledgment from Dad, so I tried really hard... But ultimately I'm here like this. But... today's the day I'm allowed to cry. I'll be hurt... Just today... And then I'll get up and brush it all off, Mom. Because I'm your strong daughter, Gae In. Mom. No, I'm 29 right now. Yes. No... That's not it. Then Great Guru, what's going to happen to me now. Just wait. I see it. I see it. I see it. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. What's coming? An important figure is coming from the east. Yeah, it's coming. It came. Where? The important figure coming from the east today is the one who will open up your path. You must hold on to them. Someone from the east. But Guru, is the important figure male or female? Oh yeah, it's not a man... Then is it a woman? Uh, it's not a woman. Then... if they're not a man or a woman, then what are they? Cheeky girl! Do you doubt the Great Guru? Aigoo, it's not that I doubt you. Nothing's been going right these days. Do you know how frustrated I must be to be doing this? How much is this? The first 50 seconds are free. Ahh, free. Thank you. After that it's 1500 won per 30 seconds. Ah, yes. 1500 for 30 seconds... What? ! 1500 for 30 seconds? ! How. How long have I been talking? ! I'm already dying because I have no money! East side... East side... Ah. It's the important figure! The important figure! Uh! You. You, you were the woman at the wedding. No, it's not me. What is this? Why is that woman here? Then Professor Park Chul Han's picturesque daughter is...? ! Did you by any chance come from the east? My office is in the south. You, break up with that pervert. It'll just get twisted. She's totally lost it. She's lost it. Well, I guess that's understandable. This is bad. This is bad news. Hello? Jin Ho? It's me. Yeah, something big happened. I'll go over there so I'll tell you the details when I get there. Yeah, okay. Hello? This is Nice Department Store. Could you come over here? Yes! I'll come right now. I'm sorry. I really thought it was an excellent piece but the higher ups said it lacked quality, and told me to cancel. I'll fix it. I can change it to any design you want. No, it's not something that can be fixed. I'm sorry. Excuse me, excuse me! What would you like to eat? Ah, yes. Hey, Jin Ho! You kid! You know each other? Ah, not just know each other. Jin Ho's father and I were friends like no other. Hey kid! I told you to come visit my house as if it were your own. Long time no see. Yeah. What brings you here? I had something to see. Oh, well we were on our way to lunch. Would it be okay if I invited him to join us? This guy's like a son to me. No, that's fine. I will come back another time. Yes, let's do that. Architecture Firm M will also bid for the Dam Art Gallery project, won't you? Yes. I'll be expecting it. - Let's go. - Yes. A young person being so overly passionate, that's good. However, one should know how to distinguish between aspiration and futile recklessness. I'm not specifically talking about you. Wow! Dad, is this our house now? Yes. Hey. Manager Choi's leaving with that Chairman Han. Is he trying to screw us over, like he did with the Dream Art Center? What happened with the Sanggojae? Oh! That! Oh my. That's like an earthquake, registering 12 on the Richter scale. What are you talking about? That woman, she's the daughter. The girl who crashed Chang Ryul's wedding! The, the girl who makes the weird furniture... that... that egoist. That woman is professor Park Chul Han's daughter! What? ! Hey, the Sanggojae which hasn't been shown to anyone in 30 years, Do you think that crazy woman is going to show it to us? Forget it. Let's give this one up. I've never said this to you before right? Give this one up. That's the right thing to do. We haven't even tried yet. Hey! Hey! If we fail this one, this is really going to hurt the company! I'm not kidding. Don't let personal feelings cloud your judgment when it comes to the company. Hyung. I will succeed no matter what. I really wanted to invite you! Mom! Did Father really leave you like that? That's just too much. What? But... we haven't finished getting our house in order yet so... I'll invite you later, come then. Yeah. - But he's on the phone right now with his mother... - Anyway, you're taking care of your health right? - Of course! Brown rice is really important! - One moment please. - You have to keep eating it! - Yonggi-dong's mother. Mom! Yonggi-dong's mother called me. Yeah, I'll call you again later. Yes. Yeah, Mom? Of course! The wedding was amazing! Honeymoon? - It's bad enough his father doesn't act like a father... - Cause we're busy at work. - How did he end up with 7 mothers? - Yeah, so next time... WHAT? ! You got Botox just to come to my wedding? ! I told you! You're pretty even if you don't get those shots! Where? ! Chairman! Chairman! Mom, Father's calling me right now... Yeah, I'll call you later. Okay. Yes, Father. Where the hell were you hiding? ! You said you didn't ever want to see me! What? ! You... Jin Ho that punk... Seems like he's interested in the Dam Art Gallery. What? ! That punk's going to challenge us again? Dang it! He should be satisfied with a moderate-sized existence. This time... using a method like we did with the Dream Art Center, probably won't work. Manager Choi... Because of their relationship with MS Group. There isn't much we can offer to tempt him. Father, I won't ever lose to Jin Ho so don't worry about it too much. And the problem with In Hee I'll- Don't even bring up In Hee, you punk! And... If you fail this project, just know you're going to be kicked out of here. Got it? Leave. Did you get hit on the stomach? Hey. Manager Choi from the Dam Art Gallery, do a background check on him. What do you mean a background check? You know, bars that he goes to regularly, his relationships with women, his weak points... Those kinds of things! Aren't you going to write it down? Huh? Secretary Kim, is your memory that good? Jeon Jin Ho Don't crumble on me now. let's have a real match this time. We have to come up with a plan but what are we going to do? Won Ho that punk, I'm going to catch him. Hey! How're you going to catch that punk who already intended to run for it? Then what else am I supposed to do? Let's just sublet In Hee's room. Are you crazy? It's bad enough that the house is being used as collateral for the loan, you want to bring an outsider to the Sanggojae? ! No way! No way! If my dad finds out, I'm dead! Hey! We have to at least use an outsider to stop the house from being taken away! - Do you have another plan? ! - No. So on our way let's stop by the real estate. Huh? Ahjussi, I'm sorry but could we stop by the real estate on our way? Who is that? Hey, we're here, get up. Won Ho! It's Won Ho! Won Ho! Won Ho! Won Ho! - Ahjussi! Stop for a second! - Won Ho! Won Ho! Hey! Hey! My furniture! OK! OK! I'll take care of it! Go! Go! Hey! Won Ho! Hey! You! You! Gae In! Hwaiting! Hey! You! Stop! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop right there! Hey! You! Your relationships with guys are pretty complicated. Oh? ! Why are you... Hey! Are you okay? Aigoo. I'm fine so that...that guy! Please catch him. Hey! You! Hey! You! Just cause you run away... You. Hey, you...hey...hey! The 10 million Won, huh? The 10 million Won... what happened to it? How much do you have left? You didn't use all of it right? You must have something left. Give me what you have left, huh? Hurry! I used it all. Hey! Hey! Lee Won Ho. What am I supposed to do? Lee Won Ho! What am I supposed to do? ! But...why are you here? Thank you. What? - You asked me to catch him so I caught him. - Thank you. Hey you! You know what that money meant! Have you been eating at least? Eat slowly. And don't make yourself sick. You're the one that got sick. Shut up and just eat. Before I beat the crap out of you. You really don't have any money left? My dad says he's coming three months early. What am I supposed to do? Imagine how frustrated I am. The room In Hee used to live in I just subletted it out. A sublet...in the Sanggojae? I'm going to go to the bathroom for a sec. Oh...you gotta come back quick ok? Are you stupid? He's running away. Don't worry. He...he's not a liar. Hey! Hey Lee Won Ho! Hey! Are you always like this? What do you mean? Do you always trust anyone so easily? It's just my stubbornness. I think you have to go to the hospital. Forget it, I'm not going to the hospital just for this. It's a waste of money. Let's go to the hospital. He's suspicious. Thank you. Let's go. I'll give you a ride home. What are you planning? What? Well, cause...you caught Won Ho for me, and you paid for my hospital bill and you say you're going to give me a ride home... From my short experience, doesn't seem like you're such a nice person... I told you, at times like this you just say "Thank you" I'll pay back the hospital bill no matter what. You don't have to pay me back with money. If you're really that thankful, Show me the Sanggojae. How do you know the name of our house? Did my dad send you by any chance? I read Sanggojae off your sign, and I don't know who your father is. Then why do you want to see someone else's house? I'm in the middle of looking for a room. Isn't it reasonable that the new owner should see the house? Who says you're the new owner? Didn't you sublet a room? How'd you know... that I sublet a room? You said it to your friend earlier. Oh. Uh...mmm... thank you for today. I'll pay back what I owe next time. Don't be like that and just show me the house. Our house is off limits to outsiders. Well then... Then why did you sublet it? That's why I'm saying, I had no plans on subletting it to you! Boy, he just doesn't get it. Don't be like that. Think about it one more time. [Warning Notice] What is this? Did you pull a loan using this house as collateral? This is none of your concern! So what? Do you have a plan? This is obvious. Looks like you borrowed some money and you're going to end up losing this house to some loan shark. You...really... None of your business! Why are you making this so complicated? Can't you just let me come in as new boarder? You have first put out the put out the fire and then figure out what to do next. How am I supposed to let a guy in a house a girl lives by herself? Chi! Who's a girl? You? Saying all this nonsense. You're back? - Yeah. - What about Won Ho? I knew that was going to happen. I left the returned products stacked in your workshop. Thanks. Oh! The...the guy from the wedding...right? But why are you two- Please leave now. Think over it one more time. Excuse me. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll try to convince her no matter what so wait here for a sec. What's wrong with your leg? I fell and got hurt while trying to catch Won Ho. Anyway that person wants to come in as the new sublet? - Yeah. - Then what's the problem? That's good, it's perfect! Huh? You have the room and he has the money. Still! How can I live with a man in the same house? ! No way! It's not like you don't know each other, why are you so worried? You know. What? What I'm saying is, there's no way he's ever going to go after you. You think he's going to see you as anything other than a stone or a branch? Is that so? I'm telling you, it is! And what's so good about bringing in a female sublet? She'll betray you like In Hee. Guys? Look at Won Ho and Chang Ryul, those punks. First let him in and if you don't like him then save up the money and kick him out. Gae In, a gay boyfriend is really fantastic. Excuse me. Come in and look around. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Come in. Come look around. Hey! Hey! It's ok. I like this changing feeling... Even though we squabble every day, You know well how I feel... You roll however you want, but I can accept it all... For me, it's only you... That's enough... tell me you want it too that it's the same for you... No matter how you look at it, you being the only one, makes no sense, but I love you... - Oh you're here! - Yes. - Hello. - Hello. So what happened? You didn't even get to step in right? I'm on my way back after checking out a room. A room? What room? Are you thinking about moving cause of Hye Mi? Well yeah, that too, two birds, one stone. Oh. But where? What do you mean where? Sanggojae of course. W...what? S... Sanggojae? Really? Hyung. I'm going in the Sanggojae. H...how? This has to be a secret from Hye Mi and Tae Hoon. Got it? - Seriously! - Of course! But hey, you're amazing! Hey but, can you go in right away? Of course. Let's go. Nice! Nice! What is it? What? Clock out early. - Yes. Goodbye - What is it? ! It's nothing punk! Watch the office for us. What is it this time? ! Bravo! Still, is this something to give a round of applause? Huh? Looks like I'm going to have to live together with a man. This doesn't feel right. Every time I met that pervert, something bad always happened. Hey, forgive him already. He's good looking. What? Gae In, if he's that good looking, no matter what he does you have to forgive him. What? That smooshy little butt of his... I should've grabbed it when I had the chance. Then again it really was nice and smooshy and fit right into my hands. Hey, hey! What did you do? Huh? If you have something nice you should share! We're friends right? ! Ahjumma! Joon Hyuk's mom! Get it together. Like you said, since it's urgent I'm letting him in. Finally we get to go in the Sanggojae. Our company's life depends on just you. Huh? That's why I'm coming here to live with that klutz. Anyway, klutz or not, it seems like that Sanggojae woman has a crush on you. If it's not that, how could someone bring in a man to a house where a woman lives alone? Yes. Yes, yes yes! Take care of yourself and always leave you door wide open And if you keep your body clean certain situations will arise. When that happens, at least for the company, lay down your life and... - Don't say such atrocious things! - It's not atrocious! Huh? You're already a man who got your butt taken away by that woman. If you think of it like that, it'll be easy. Hyung. I'm going in. Alright. That's right, you're precious. Let's go. Oh yeah! Why did you come to our house earlier? Oh, haha... yeah. Um. You know... cause...yeah...you know how it is. Seems like you've known each other for a while. Y...yeah, yeah, yeah! We've known each other for a long time! Yeah! It's not easy cause he's so picky. But how'd you know we've known each other for a long time? Oh, I have some...interest in him. You can't get interested in our Jin Ho. Hyung, don't say such useless things. Oh my. You guys are so mushy. There's nothing you really have to watch out for while living together but... You can never film or take pictures in here. My dad hates it. And the refrigerator and the washer and drier we'll use together. Well then. One moment. I have a lot of stuff you need to watch out for. What? First of all, the house to too dirty. While I'm here I hope you'll keep in mind to keep a clean environment. And there cup ramen everywhere in this house. Please don't ever touch the food I keep in the refrigerator. And I'll believe that you won't wash your clothes with mine. Because you are, after all, a civilized person, correct? Is that so? Then should we really go over this? Then you, Jeon Jin Ho, other than the room you're subletting and areas we must share, don't enter. If you break this rule... What are you going to do? I'll cut it. What? Cut what? The part of the body that crosses the lines, what else? Why are you saying such weird jokes? Yes, her sense of humor is quite different. Yes, yes. Well then, we'll finish up the contracts with this and we'll hope this'll work out well. Yes. Yes. - It was nice meeting you. - Please take care of her. Let's both help them and support them a lot. Yes. You punk, what's the point of pissing her off? Didn't you see the house? It's not respectful to the Sanggojae. What's wrong? What is it? What? Let me see. Oh no! Our Jin Ho's 1 million dollar thigh's got a scratch! Wait a sec...the medicine box is... Oww. Forget it. Hold on a sec, take off your pants, I'll put medicine on it. I said forget it. We've seen everything there is to see, are you avoiding me? Are you worried it's going to hurt? I'll do it softly. You baby, look at you making such a fuss about nothing. Be gentle! What do you mean be gentle? I am being gentle. I'm doing all this for you. Ok I'm going in softly this time. Okay, ready? Ah you punk. Hold on, hold on! What are you eavesdropping on, Ahjumma! Ah, you really lucked out! You really must have saved a country in a past life. I want to live in the Sanggojae too. He was all acting clean earlier, what the hell is he doing the moment the sun goes down? Those guys! What do you mean, what's he doing? He's doing something thankful. Anyway, that partner of his, I really feel sorry for him. Why? They like each other so much. Do you know how rough that guy is? Last time, he was in a motel with this huge... animalistic guy...it was like hell broke loose! Oh really? But why were you in a motel? Just cause. Anyway, when will that animalistic guy come? I wanna see him. Anyway, I gotta hammer in the nail so he can't bring in this guy, that guy and anyone he wants. - Does he know where he is? ! - You bad girl. Is love a crime? Is love a crime? You perverted ahjumma! I'll be on my way now. Please take care of our Jin Ho. Yeah, sure. Don't worry about that at all. Go Hyung, I'm not going out to see you leave. Excuse me, when is the other man... What? Jeon Jun Ho, you have something you have to keep in mind... Hey! It's nothing! Continue on with your beautiful love. - What? - Love is always moving! In Hee! What is this? Why are you here? I'm here cause it's our honeymoon house! Baby, you came back. Are you crazy? ! We broke up yesterday! How is this our honeymoon house? ! Will you get out? I got kicked out by my father so I can't go home. And my dad bought us this house! You supposed to be a man, you're such a disgrace! You! Get up! What? This bed! Gae In gave it to me as a gift. Get off. You idiot, if she knew you stole her man, would she have given this to you as a gift? Her man is you. This blanket is mine! This too! That's mine too so take it off! What you think I won't be able to take it off? You're so dirty and cheap! - What you think I can't take it off? - Take off the pants too! Here! There you go! Yeah! If you're confident take it off! Your underwear leaves something to be desired. What's wrong with it? And what about you? What underwear are you wearing? It looks like the one I bought from France. Fine! I'll take it off! I'll take it off, you dirty creep. Wait a sec. I think that's the lipstick I bought for you... the pink shade... right? ! Hey! Here, shove it in your ear and take a hike! I've tried to be patient with you but, hey! [Hye Mi] [Mother. There are some things I have to take care so I'll be gone for a while. I'll call you. From Jin Ho] The person you're trying to call is not answering... Calm down Hye Mi, I'll try to call him. Jin Ho will probably pick up my calls. [Jang Mi] [Jang Mi] Hey, Jin Ho, where are you? I can't talk right now. I'll call you later. Where are you? What are you doing? Hang up now, I'll tell you later. Can't you tell me now? Can't you tell me what you're doing here now? I...it was dark so I came into the wrong room... You remember the promise you made with me earlier in the afternoon right? Wh...what promise? Was that too much? I wanted to scare him just a little but, he's really scared. I'm tired, let's go in. Hey, Kim In Hee. Why are you here in front of me? I'm coming to my own home, why do I have to get your permission? What? I ended it with Chang Ryul so it's fine, right? You're lucky you know how to be so cold. Let's not be like this over some guy. Hey. Did...did you forget what you did? And what about you? My wedding was ruined because of you. I have nowhere to go and I'm shunned at my company. What are you going to do about that? If someone else heard us, they'd think I stole your lover. Lover? Ha! You're really funny. What? Do you think there was even a moment when you were really Chang Ryul's lover? What? Park Gae In, you don't even know what love is. You have to have received love to know what it is. So is it because you received so much love, that you can steal someone else's lover and lie and still be so shameless? At least I don't throw myself at any love. You can't even tell the difference between love and pity right? If guys feel sorry for you and pay the tiniest bit of attention then you think that's all love right? You! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let go! Let go! - Let go right now! - Are you crazy? ! Hey! You better let go! Hey! Kim In Hee! I swear. Did you come out to watch? Can you please be quiet? Are you living here alone? Who the hell is he? Why do you want to know? Park Gae In, you can't just let go and live like this. How can you just bring in a guy? ! Such a young guy too! Why? Do you want him too? You want to steal him? I never stole, they came on their own. I bet you can't take him! Why not? No matter what kind of guy he is, within ten minutes they say okay. Even if you die and come back, you'll never fit his taste. Oh yeah? We'll see about that. Wag your tail at him a 100 years, he'll never. That man... is gay! Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Main Translators: SHALOM, yOiTzO Spot Translator: meju Timer: hitomi83 Editor/QC: koreanpears Coordinators: mily2, ay_link I'll break him! Lee Won Ho, you bastard! You were hiding here? ! - OH! - What are you? ! Yesterday night, Kim In Hee... I think she was hoping to keep it a secret Hey! Why are you being like this? Let's talk about it. You can't just leave- He left. Wait until I get hired, I'll let him leave if he asks to cancel his sublease! Get the Dam Art Gallery this time no matter what. I'll completely squish you this time. - You're just going blindly! - I'm going in the Sanggojae. Just wait and see. I'll find out Hyung's secret soon. I thought you said you were going to live for Kim In Hee from now on. You jerk. - What the hell you punk! - I said you can't! This man is gay! I'm in front of your house. Can you come out for a sec? Why did it have to be In Hee? Situs Download Film+subtitle Lengkap Update Brought to you by WITH S2 Written In The Heavens Subbing Squad Just like you threw me away, I wanted to do the same to you. But... I don't want to anymore. I can't do it anymore. All right, Gae In. If it's because you feel bad about it for me, it's okay. Even if we started because of that, it's okay. I can just change the way you feel. I know I can. No. You can't change me, Chang Ryul. Gae In! You don't know, Chang Ryul. Who... Who has my heart. It's "Game Over". You. What do you think you're doing right now? I told you to leave on friendly terms. I was going to. But... I can't do that anymore. What? From now on, as a man, I'm going to start a love with this woman. Jeon Jin Ho. Jin Ho. What do you mean? H-h-how can you... as a man? Gae In. I'm not gay. T-t-then... I'm sorry. For taking so long to tell you. Considering the fact that I've told you now... Will you forgive me? Like a fool Why didn't I figure it out? Like a fool Why did I let you go? Like a fool My heart that's overflowing with tears Finally, it has come to know [Episode 11 - Clear Skies from Today? ] Are you really going to let things end this way? And if I do? You should go to Gae In and plead on your knees! And if I plead? You saw what happened before. The moment that punk Jin Ho said he wasn't gay, the look on Gae In's face. Doesn't that one look explain everything? That I don't even have a one percent chance. So you're going to give up now? I thought you said that you couldn't be without Gae In. Then aren't you supposed to grit your teeth and hold onto her? I don't want to. Why? Why don't you want to? Why? You're asking why? Because I love her. Because of me, she was in so much pain. But now, she can smile thanks to Jin Ho. That seems like love to you, right? Stepping back gracefully is what love is to you? Don't be mistaken, Han Chang Ryul. That just seems like an excuse for being too weak to fight. You go ahead and fill that bitterness within you with alcohol. Because from now on, I'm going to do things my way. Please just stop already, Kim In Hee. When are you going to stop making yourself so pathetic? The love that I know is just one type. If I can't have him, no one else can. I know I did something terribly wrong. No. I know I did something that can never be forgiven. But please... Let go of your anger. You're not even going to look at my face? I was so lost all this time. Do you even know how strange and foolish I felt when I kept seeing you as a man? I didn't have the confidence. I wondered if you were intent on getting revenge on Chang Ryul, because you still had feelings for him. Because my feelings for you were so pathetic, I tried to divert my attention to something, anything else, which is why I was trying to get revenge even though I didn't want to. It was today that I was certain. When you told Chang Ryul that you couldn't do it anymore. Are you a fool? How could you have been certain today? Having seen me dress up as a man, and the way I did just about anything to keep you as a friend. You know... Although it may seem foolish, if it allowed me to remain by your side, the idea of not being a woman anymore didn't bother me at all. I was such a fool. All this time, I was so confused and my heart was in so much pain. I'm truly sorry. Please forgive me. No. I don't want to forgive you. I don't want to forgive you. Park Gae In's weather forecast for tomorrow. The man that I wanted to have by my side even as a friend, has said that he was wrong and that he'd like to start over with me as a man and woman. Although my heart is fluttering so much it's about to explode, the tears that I've shed until now tell me not to forgive him. But no matter what the weather is like tomorrow, I am not anxious. Go. I don't want to see your face today, Jin Ho. So, go. Gae In. I know you feel betrayed. And so I know very well that you won't want to forgive me. But still... Because this is the first time I'm feeling like this, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Couldn't you chalk it up to my not knowing what to do and be understanding about it? But it's not your first. You've loved before, Jin Ho. Before... the woman we met, Yoon Eun Soo. If only Batman knew what was in this box. But he'll never know. No. Batman will never know anything anymore, eh, boys? That's right, Your Highness. You've done what nobody else could've done. You finished off Batman and Robin. Thank you. I deserve it, of course, but I thank you. Time to go to work. First I want to check up on that windmill clock bought by that dear little old lady. What dear little old lady? You'll see in a moment, Millie. And we'll see if that clock has been put to use yet. Oh, Alfred, look at what I got Bruce for his birthday. He'll be so pleased. He will indeed, madam. It's a rare antique. There are very few clocks left like it in the world today. It's beautiful, madam. I'm sure Mr. Wayne will be most pleased. Bruce Wayne? Bruce Wayne, the millionaire? Yes, by George. That lady's the aunt of Dick Grayson, Wayne's ward. When I learned she was shopping for a suitable clock in a clock shop I knew about I sold the clock to the shopkeeper, knowing he, in turn, would sell it to that lady. That brain of yours is always ticking away, Your Highness. Just like a clock. I'm a little tired after my shopping, Alfred. I think I'll take a nap to be nice and fresh for Bruce's birthday party tonight. Oh, he'll be so surprised. Bruce Wayne certainly will be surprised. Because he has a fine collection of old antique pocket watches which we are going to appropriate in a few minutes. Let's go. There's one thing that worries me, Your Highness. Nothing should be worrying any of us now so near to our great goal. But that clock on the lady's piano. That's the one I thought that you wanted me to put the little funny button on. It is. The control for the knockout gas. One whiff, the butler will be out cold and the antique pocket watches will be all mine. Oh, no. No. Not that button. I mean the button-- You-- You mean the Atomic Energy Directional Control Switch? - Well, whatever it is. -"Whatever it is"? Whatever it is is supposed to be in this box. - Not in that clock. -That's what worries me. - I think I made a mistake. -Mistake. You just pulled the biggest boneheaded blunder of the century. Now, If we don't get the windmill clock back from Bruce Wayne's mansion in short order our big job will be ruined. There isn't a minute to lose. Your Highness, I'm sorry. I never thought a funny little button-- An Atomic Energy Directional Control Switch is not a funny little button. That one's worth a cool million dollars to us. Millie. - You can be of great help to me right now. -Me? Gee. What do I do? Stay here and keep your eyes open, but stay out of sight. Oh, I'll certainly try. If I can remember all that. Gee. - I think I got a little sand down my neck too. -You're lucky it's only sand, Robin. An hourglass is not the most practical of conveyances. Anyway, here it is. Our entire file on crooks named Smith. Good. I'll feed them into the Batcomputer and see if we can get the data on the mysterious Mr. Smith Clock King mentioned. Hmm, I sure hope so. Boy, what I'd give to know where Clock King is right at this very minute. NARRATOR". Meanwhile, up in the Wayne living room... The Atomic Energy Directional Control Switch is intact. I'm sure sorry about that mistake, Your Highness. While I'm here, I might as well pick up that valuable collection of antique pocket watches. I thought you said there wasn't a minute to lose. It won't take long. NARRATOR". Meanwhile, down in the Batcave... Gosh, if we get the correct information we'll have the Clock King right where we want him. NARRATOR". Meanwhile, up in the Wayne living room... Meanwhile, down in the Batcave... It won't be long now, Batman. NARRATOR". Meanwhile, up in the Wayne living room... That was fast. Time is of the essence. Let's go. Good afternoon. - Bruce's birthday clock! -Shh. - What are you doing here? Who are you? -Shh. Help! Alfred, Alfred! Help! Alfred! -It's the little old lady, Your Highness. -Dick Grayson's aunt. I think we better take her along with us. Alfred! NARRATOR". Meanwhile, down in the Batcave... Why, it's Alfred's burglar alarm. There must be trouble upstairs. What do you mean, take me with you? Where? How? That's a good question, Your Highness. What do we put her in? Take these. I'll take care of her. No. Help, Alfred! You- - You called, madam? Holy hijackers. Clock King and his Second Hands robbing Wayne Manor. Why, the brazen-- Watch what you say. After all, we're not supposed to know them. Don't worry. Unhand my aunt. Sorry, gentlemen. We hope to make a safe getaway after lifting a few baubles from this handsome residence. Perhaps this sweet lady will provide that safety. You can take your baubles but you're not taking Mrs. Cooper out of this house as a hostage. We may have a difference of opinion there, mister. Quick. Out to the car. I think I'm going to faint. It's all right, Aunt Harriet. They're gone now. - They won't come back. Sit down. Sit down. -imagine me being a hostage. It's all right. It's all right. I'm sorry I wasn't of much help, sir. They gave me rather a bad time when they entered. That's quite all right, Alfred. Would you just see Mrs. Cooper up to her room, please, Alfred? Certainly, sir. Here we go, madam. There. That's right. Are we gonna let them get away just like that? By the time we got down to the Batmobile, they'd be long gone, Dick. At least they didn't get away with my private collection of antique pocket watches. Hmm. He seemed more concerned with that clock that they had. Maybe it could be a lead, Bruce. Wherever it came from. I still think the mysterious Mr. Smith will provide the lead we need. Let's get back to the Batcave. How about this? Sable Sam Smith who specializes in stealing valuable furs? Sorry, Robin. He's serving a jail term right now. Here's one. Gibralter Smith. Alias "Smitty Smith the Safecracker." Smitty Smith was recently arrested for armed robbery. He's back pounding rocks. I can just see him now. Old Smitty Smith. He used to be a real swinger on the safe-and-lock circuit. Now he's swinging a hammer on a rock pile. I think you've got it, Robin. Clock King was making a pun on the name "Smith." A Smith swings a hammer in a smithy. - Holy horseshoes. -Exactly, Robin. Mr. Smith is a blacksmith. What connection could there be between a blacksmith and Clock King? A blacksmith and a big-clock crime. A blacksmith and a big-clock crime. Blacksmith. Big clock. - Black-- -The big tower clock in downtown Gotham City. Let's take a look. Let's try another one. Hmm. - There's the blacksmith. -Yes, Robin. And every hour, that mechanical marvel brings his hammer down to strike the anvil in time with the clock. Clock King said that a certain Mr. Smith would be assisting with the crime at exactly 5:00. Maybe he's going to put something on the anvil that will be triggered by the hammer when it strikes. Thus his real objective must be something facing the clock tower. The only building facing the clock tower is that one with the rooftop heliport. Right, Robin. His real objective must be the heliport. Someone or something of value must be arriving at the heliport at exactly 5:00. Maybe Commissioner Gordon can provide us with an answer. Five o'clock, Batman? Hold on. Let me see. One, two, three, four, five... Yes. There is one due at that time. A helicopter from the nuclear laboratory of the Gotham Institute of Technology. Well, two noted physicists will be delivering a cesium clock to the A.S.C. Corporation. Uh, purely routine. We've taken no special precautions. A cesium clock? Thank you, commissioner. What's a cesium clock? A cesium clock is one that's regulated by controlled atomic energy. It's frequently used in regulating satellite tracking or in space probes. Holy lift-off. And I read recently that a cesium clock is being delivered to the Amalgamated Communications Corporation for use in their tracking facilities. That means that it's the same clock that's being delivered by helicopter today at 5:00. But what use would a cesium clock be to Clock King? Lots of use, Robin. He could be holding the A.S.C. up for ransom because a cesium clock is worth at least a million dollars. We've no time to lose. To the tower. Atomic batteries to power. - Turbines to speed. -Roger. Ready to move out. What a setup. But why do you want me here, Clock King? Any man wants a beautiful woman at his side, Millie, at the climax of his career. - Gee. -Get the uniforms out. We've little time for this whole operation. Now, these uniforms, forged credentials and identification badges should give us carte blanche to unload the cesium clock. The box. - But I still don't understand. - No questions. You've already thrown us off schedule. We haven't got a minute to lose. Now, at 5:00, when the clock strikes 5 these figures will start to move. That hammer will come down on the box and trigger the knockout gas across to the heliport. It won't affect us in our gas masks. We transfer to the heliport and fly the cesium clock out on the helicopter. Simple. So very, very simple. Oh. I didn't know you could fly a helicopter. Millie, for a million dollars, a man can do almost anything. Now, into the uniforms. No. It can't be true. You're dead. You have to be dead. - Maybe we're living on borrowed time. -But now it's roundup time. Batman, look. His gun. Holy merry-go-round. That wild shot has started the clockworks moving. Get them before they get you. Five o'clock. - Not bad for timing, huh, Batman? -Yes, Robin. And that clock's tolling the end of Clock King's crimes. Great job, Batman. I couldn't have done better meself. Thank you, Chief O'Hara. That's high praise indeed. You and the Boy Wonder deserve a great deal of credit. Thanks to you, the Clock King is behind bars at last. And high time too. Uh, no pun intended, Batman. Agreed, commissioner. And I find it only fitting that Clock King, who made time serve his crimes must now serve time himself. Well put, Batman. And speaking of time, Chief O'Hara and I are late right now for the birthday party Dick Grayson's aunt is giving for millionaire Bruce Wayne. Robin and I had the honor of being invited too, commissioner. Unfortunately, we cannot attend. Oh, too bad. It should be quite an affair. It's a surprise party, you know. I'm sure millionaire Bruce Wayne will be quite surprised. - Well, Chief O'Hara, come on. - All right, commissioner. Polish Television presents FOUR TANK-MEN AND A DOG THE CREW Based on a nowel by directed by Szarik, be quiet... Szarik! My muzzle... typical Polish hunter, a good shot but little meat. You'll never catch anything here. Just black squirrels. There's nothing here. Someone else must be hunting here a man or an animal. Eat Ball... Go on Mura... lt's too bad, she was a good dog. You're all alone now Szarik, without your mom. Happens to everybody. Nobody stays alone. Szarik's with people and so are you. And you'll find your father. When the war will end you'll find him. Look at this dog. He's pretending to be all grown up. The bullet's in the right barrel. He got me with his Claw. What are you doing Jefim SiemionyCz? because of the war the tiger isn't afraid of people. He goes out looking for food. He almost found it. I'm thanking you for saving my life. I should be the one thanking you. Give me this puppy. Get him Szarik. Good dog. Can you walk? Not really, and we'd have to leave the meat. I'll stay here with Szarik and you go to the Clearing and stop a tractor when it Comes with the logs. It shouldn't take long. Wait! Take this it's for you. Wait here I won't be long. It keeps on banging... The tractor. In the morning I have to transport the logs lt will be noon before I finish. The night is long, you'll make it. Working at night is no good. Do you have extra inserts? Yes. Then I'll do it. You know how? I'll Call you when it's ready. What's your name? Kos. Jan Kos. It's difficult. And yours? Grigorij Sakaszwili. Sakaszwili. It's also difficult. I'm from Georgia. You should see our mountains. You see this screw? Here the mountains are like this screw. And ours are like this tractor. I know I was to CauCasus before I Came here. What are you looking for? My Father. Turn the other one. Alright. The old man said you killed a tiger; you're a hunter. I have eyes and I see. You know about tractors. Take the tractor and my job. I don't want to. What are you going to do? I'm joining the army. Are they recruiting? How old are you? 19 And you? 17 The hunter said you were 16. That's not why they don't want me. I'm Polish, from Gdansk. You don't want the tractor you're not going to the army, you know what I'll tell you? You don't Care about our war. You're loitering. You collect squirrel furs and wild dogs fed on frogs, right? For flying suits for the pilots. Cleaver, you're here while our brothers fight in the trenches. Cleaver? Who first fought Hitler? Who fought at Westerplatte? Wester... it's hard to pronounce. Your war is long over, they defeated you in two weeks. - Can you fight? - Why? Come here. What a devil. You want more? Are those our planes? It's the Japanese on the other side of Ussuri. You want more or have you had enough? Your war, my war, it's the same war. Take the tractor when I go to the army. Children! Go to sleep. It's good to sleep after working. I'll do the rest myself, you have to leave in the morning. In Georgia you Can really sleep. There you lie down, you're warm you stand a bottle of wine next to you. The door is wide open, the night and the stars Comes into the house. Through the door or in your dreams? Haven't you seen stars Come in? They Come through the door and in your dreams. whichever way. Give me some paper. Does your leg hurt? Go on. I'll manage. Thank you. Can I take this? You want to burn it? No. Finished? Yes. We have to wake up Gruzin. What did you see in that newspaper? An announcement. The Russians are forming a Polish division. Read it out loud. So we Can fight together... the rest is missing. My leg will heal, I won't keep you. I Can't make you stay. I'll wake up Gruzin. I'll go with him and Come back with the doctor. The doctor Can find his way alone. Take the horse and go to the Polish Range, Can you find it? Yes. It's by the waterfall. You'll bring me some ginseng. The root is the best for healing. You'll find it by the left Cottage. Take my gun. Shoot only large animals. Don't worry, I'm with you. I'll tell him Major you have to take him, your war, my war, it's our war. Get out of here. I don't want to see you again. Thinks he's a lawyer. Then we'll have to higher nannies to watch over the kids at war. I won't sign anything, this hand knows no mercy. God damn. Be quiet, there's no one here. Major... a Japanese paraChuter. Then the major said I know you Can fight without a nanny but the rules don't. Was the doctor here? I'm thinking about something else. Were you at the Polish Range? 80 years ago Polish exiles who fought the Czar settled there in the mountains. They lived there long. Their grandchildren left for home after the october Revolution. You'll follow in their footsteps. There's Polish writing on the blade. He lived, fought, now we don't even know his name. Jefim SiemionyCz, if I won't find my father I'll Come back here. I have nobody. Stop saying that. I'll give you Szarik when he gets bigger. You'll need a friend at war. And warm fur gloves. And even if you won't find your father you won't be back. You'll stay with your own kind. That newspaper seemed to be just paper but like the Call of wild geese - it Can't be helped. You have to go your own way. is that you Sasza? What kind of a man are you? You're always late. One day you'll be too late. If you're to stay then not under my Command. Gruel again? Who are you? Talk or we'll throw you out the door. Who are you? You want to fight me? Leave him. You Come unasked, you don't answer questions, it's not nice. - l want to fight on the front. - l see. Throw him out together with the dog. Private, don't interrupt when an officer is speaking. Who was keeping watch last night? I was, sir. Do you think this boy and his dog got in then or did he fall from the sky through the Chimney? Damn it. You Can'tjust decide to go to war. At the draft office they'll examine you see what you are and they'll give you a paper. Your mother's probably Crying Cause you're gone. And if I don't have a mother? And your father's on the front? I don't know, he disappeared 4 years ago. That was before the war. Not in Poland. I'm going to join the Polish army. I've been traveling with you since last night. Give our ally some food, the gruel's getting Cold. I Could Clean this. "This" is a machine gun. A hand machine gun. Would you know how? I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to do. Take me with you, I Can Clean the guns, I'll keep a watch with my dog. We won't let anyone get in. You... What does he want? He wants to go hunting. These are guns for big animals, and the hunt is not for kids. It's not for adults either. But you have to do what you have to do. Here's a certificate. I'm a hunter. What's this? A tiger! Alright. I Can't do it son, the army's all about orders, I'll have to let you off at the first station. Yes. Just for a while. A hunter. Get out. Come Szarik, they're throwing us out. Look... You're from Poland. Me too, from Gdansk. You're lucky, you Can go with them now. My name's Gustaw Jelen. Call me Gustlik. - l'm Jan Kos. - And the dog? Szarik. It means ball in Russian. So long guys. Keep your eyes open on the front, we might meet again. Make room guys, we have another one. Oh my God, a girl. Let me go, where did you Come from? - Ussuri. - Not from the moon? - No. - Where are you from in Poland? - Gdansk. - l'm from Warsaw. Sit down. My name's Litka. You're pretty, like a picture. I'm Cold. Here. Take it. Take it, I'm warm. They're nice, I'll wear them. We'll be friends. Now it's like home. Who's going to the tanks? I am. Anti-tank artillery. Gustaw Jelen. Father's name? Wilhelm. Why do you want to join the artillery? I was in the German artillery. They forced me to join. But I took my Crew and we went to the Russians. You took all four of them? Don't you believe me? Let go, what are you doing? Lidia Wisniewska. I signed up. I'd like to be with you. But I'll go where they tell me. decide yourself, they're forming a "Heroes of Westerplatte" brigade. Don't you see? Westerplatte, that's where your father fought. They took me to operate the radio, they need girls there. Wait, I'll be right back. How old are you? 18 lt doesn't say here when you were born. But I am 18. And I Can see. You're lying. It's hard in the tanks, go somewhere else kid. I know. - You're healthy. - Yes. What is this dog doing here? This is the army. Yes sir. The artillery, not the zoo. You Can go now. One at a time. You idiot. They didn't take me. They don't want me in the tanks. Too bad. Or maybe it's for the best. What would a dog do in a tank? What a question. I'll tell him, that... lt won't help. I asked and the ensign didn't agree. Driver. - We're leaving, we have everybody. - Yes sir. Don't worry. But I wanted to go with you. I really did. Wait. - Good morning. - Hello. WiChura. What? What do you mean? WiChura, that's my name. - And yours? - Kos. nice dog. - Yours? - You Can pet him. - He won't bite? - No. Throw it, you'll see how he Can retrieve. Here doggie. Count.. One, two, three, four... Turn right, to the Car. You Come up front. No thanks. I'll go with the others. Help us. We're off. What's the matter? It's a new Car. Crank it up. Wait a moment. You Can Crank it till... You have to use your brain. Leave me alone. - l Could fix it, lieutenant. - Try. If it starts will you take me with you? No way. What the hell, give it a try. - But there's two of us. - You and who else? Alright, try to fix it. - We're witnesses. - Alright. Look up there. Szarik, fetch. What? A bird. How did you do it? Go, you sorry excuse for a driver. How did you make it start? Now we're tank-men. The tanks are Coming. Don't be scared, silly... - Look at those tanks... - Tanks like tanks. Be Careful, you'll break it. Are you Coming with us, or did you just bring the tanks over? I'm with you all the way to Berlin, those are my orders. I'm out of the hospital and I want to get back to my unit and they tell me that I, lieutenant Olgierd Jarosz, am going to be training our allies. Unless you think you're better than I am. Damn. ls this how the Polish army welcomes us? At home in Georgia... Grigorij... Yes, Grigorij I'm Grigorij Sakaszwili. And who are you? The dog remembers how you used to give him sugar, and you don't remember me? Janek... Lieutenant, we got into a fight and then decided that it's our war, his and mine. You want me to be part of your Crew? - Sure. - Me too. - That makes four. - Five, Szarik too. He's grown. Won't you ask your superior for permission? A Crew has to be like fingers of a hand. What Can you do? Sakaszwili is a first Class driver. Grigorij, show them what you Can do. - With the pin? - Yes. Be Careful. Come on. He'll break it. Kill the tiger, but don't spoil the skin That's how you should drive. Grigorij wasn't on the front yet, he's a rookie I'm also not a military man. You see that Cloud... the white one? It's Called Cirro-stratus I Can also tell you that in a day or two it will bring on a Change in the weather. See what a Cloud specialist I am. We showed you what we Can do. I read the Clouds, Grigorij hammers in nails. And you? You have any relatives in Georgia? There was a guy back home that Carried horses. Can you use that for one of the fingers of a hand? Who knows? And you? You're young, life in a tank is hard. It's easier to hit bull's eye than to hit my Crew. Alright, if I hit, will you take me? Me and Szarik, if we're supposed to be like one hand than four fingers is not enough. You, Grigorij, Gustlik, me and Szarik. We'll see. Well hot shot you hit twice. - And? - l think three times. Third one straight to the sky. You're a good shot. But... He's looking for what he hasn't lost. They're still warm. Look at that. You're right. I'm sorry. Two went through one after the other. Will you take me? - Yes. - But with the dog. Alright. But you'll have to learn to... sing. Sing? We need a gunner and a radio man. You have to learn to sing like we do in the tank. - You know what that means? - No. That's your name. I have something for you lieutenant. Here, it's to pay my footing. nice. We'll be opening Cans with it. No, read what's on the blade. Polish Television presents FOUR TANK-MEN AND A DOG JOY AND BITTERNESS Based on a novel by Photography production manager directed by You're doing pretty good, if you keep it up I'll let you stay in the kitchen, I'll take Care of you. You're with us Corporal and you don't know anything. We already have a Crew... and we don't need better meat. Stop splattering, you'll make the ground muddy. - You tramp! - Lie down Szarik. Don't touch me, we're not that good friends. A dog and you two, it's a zoo not a kitchen. She's heavy... You've been gone a while. We've finished our training too. ... I'm a ... You lack experience. I got assigned to the headquarters. The headquarters broadcast for the whole brigade, all the Crews and to the Commanding headquarters. You didn't write. I didn't have time. Every Saturday and Sunday I went out dancing... I was very popular... Private Kos... bring some water. Here. Let the boy talk. We Can manage without him. Why are you sighing like that? I like your bars. I have only one. When we go to the front I'll have two. At the headquarters they say we will take the offensive soon. They always say that. Our Crew is like one palm, both to us and the enemy. That's our sign. Take a seat. You've Changed... Remember when I gave you my gloves on the train? Are you reproaChing me about a present? Me? I wanted to talk... Take them, I don't need them. It's summer, warm... What are you saying Lidka? I'm not reproaching you, don't be silly. You'd better help me peal the potatoes. Some platoon leader, you have to introduce me. Here dog. What's with your dog? You give it to him. Beast. He Could bite your leg off. Don't mess with me and I'll take Care of you both. You and the dog. What's her name? What's the matter? Don't you like the Cook? The Cook and everything. That's how it is in the army. You're on your own, but it'll be different on the front. Everybody's on the front, the americans... The americans, English, french. Rokosowski got to Bug already. And we just sit here doing nothing. Jelen, Chop some wood. Yes sir. What are you staring at? You're not a dog, you have a mind of your own. Have some. No? Fine. These Cans are for everybody to go with the potatoes. Where a hundred people eat a few might eat their fill. - What's her name? - Leave it. Don't be so smart, kid. You were giving meat and bones to the dog. - You were. - Me? - Stop it. - You punk! Did you Call Corporal? I'll show you. Corporal KuCharek reports himself in the kitchen. Who pushed the Cook into the pot? What are you doing with that axe? Private Jelen reports that the Cook fell into the potatoes he fell in by himself because he was stealing back fat. - What back fat? - bacon. back fat, that is bacon. Instead of putting it in the pot he ate it himself. What's your story? The kid was taking meat for the dog. I'm asking who ate the bacon? Guard! Tell the Commanding officer to give him ten days detention. Yes sir. About turn. Forward march. Where's the guilty one? Szarik Come here. I'd put him together with the Cook but I'm afraid it might be bad for the Cook. The Cook gave the dog a bone, but he doesn't take anything... from strangers so I had to feed it to him. You're from Olgierd's Crew? Szarik... Ball... He doesn't look much like a ball. I see you're a smart dog Szarik. You Can tell a stranger from a friend. We'll enroll him as a member of the army. He Can get his share of food then. - Thank you Colonel. - Get to work. We'll manage, Colonel. Colonel, sir! - From army headquarters? - Yes sir. Are they ringing for dinner? It's not ready yet. Alert! Battle alert. We're going to the front. Oka to Hardbeam three, where are you? Hardbeam three here. Where am I? Hardbeam three you look stupid. Dumb joke. Ajoke. Tigers. T-6. They got a lot of them. When we get to Poland they'll ask me: Where were you born solider? What will I tell them? There's no time to explain where from and how. You know what, Jelen? Give me some good place in your Country. Where do we have such dark people? Silesia... no, maybe in Sandomierz... - We'll Call you Grzes. - Grzes! ? Your father was a Chimney sweep from Sandomierz. A Chimney sweep? From Sandomierz. What's a Chimney sweep? At your age you don't know? A Chimney sweep is a person who... Cleans the barrel from the oven. Hey guys, moscow! First Polish Army... Chelm is freed. Are you ready? Give me these headphones. Louder! ... entered the territory... Chelm and Lublin were freed today, July 22 at 2100 hours Moscow sends greetings... Go to sleep. Tomorrow the artillery is going to battle. What about us? It'll be our turn soon. Szarik! You recognized me! Where are you from? Gdansk. I'm from Ustronie. Where the Vistula starts. My father works at the steel mill and my mother's at home. The mill? He's doing his worst Cause it's for the Germans. And your parents? My mother died when the Germans burned down our house, I ran away, I was looking for my father I got all the way to the pacific. Did he fight in the war? Near our home, at Westerplatte. Did you eat yet? Get as much rest as you Can. - Bring me some too. - Alright. Yes sir. Hurry up. They let you go? How Come? None of your business. I'm your friend. I went to the Colonel, I promised not to stay behind the tanks. Are you telling the truth? I didn't promise you anything. That's for the dog. That's for the lieutenant. Your dog already got his share. It's for the Colonel. Battle or no battle, I wouldn't let him off. You have to believe... many things happen to people in life. What if they hadn't believed I wasn't on the German side... Careful Grigorij, there are mines on the left. Everybody out. Get out. Damn it. Gustlik, watch out for the mines. Damn. Stop staring, Janek. This is not a drill. Get the gun from the tank. You drove off the road, Grigorij. I was relieved that the planes missed us and my hand slipped. You're lucky it wasn't an anti-tank mine, just a little bug. Go start the engine. Come on Gustlik, together. The technicians just passed us, we're way behind our brigade. You nazi. Olgierd, Gustlik! Look! I got him. Olgierd, I shot him down. Pull a little harder. Don't write I was a Cook, write I was a tank man. Corporal KuCharek shot down a plane... Olgierd! He kept his word. Who? The Cook. We have to inform the Colonel. Maybe he had a wife, kids. He died like a tank man. is this Bug? I think it is. Did you hear that? All this is going so slowly. Let us through Miss. I Can't. Our brigade is on the other side already. I said I Can't. We're Polish. We're going home to mother. You'll go when it's your turn. Who has the right of way? You're very nice, but I Can't let a tank through. You got scared of a girl? Why didn't you go when I was talking to her? Some hero. Now we'll have wait till evening. Guys, I have an idea. - Where, here? - No, there, at her feet. fetch. Szarik, fetch. Attention, attention! The Ruffalo circus! Again Szarik. Good dog. Hardbeam? Oka here, where are you? Oka, Hardbeam three here. The river's flowing, we're standing, the dog's jumping. What? Who's jumping? Hardbeam. Report. What's going on? The dog's jumping. Don't bother me. Good dog. Have you eaten? Yes? Faster. Again. Look honey. What a Cute dog. Who's Cuter? Some teeth. Who am I talking to? Move on. - Don't block the road. - Take it easy. Look. Well, look. Damn it. Szarik. I haven't eaten anything either. - What have you got? - Nothing. Nothing? You have some bacon? - No. - No? - No. - Maybe some sausage? - No. - Let's see. Oh, an egg. Attention. Last trick. Breakfast. The show's over, you Can go. Don't stand there. Move it. He takes it and gives it to me. Come here. I'll show you. I'll take you to Court. Saboteur. Get lost. I'll get you. welcome. Thank you madam. Have you seen my son? Hey old man, you got a beard like a hedge hog. Calm down, Marylka, I kiss only old men. Take these flowers. Have I missed anybody? - Where are you boys from? - l'm from Ustronie. I know that area. And where's this dark guy from? He's from Sandomierz, his father was a Chimney sweep. Why doesn't he say anything? I... I'll... He's so moved he Can't speak. Long live! They brought a Polish dog, it barks just like ours. Julka, bring some food for the dog. - Listen, in 1939... - Oh, son, in 1939... Have any of you heard of lieutenant Kos? - Where did he fight, Corporal? - Westerplatte. Everybody died there, over 7000 men. - Less then 5000 were there. - Depends on how you Count. Come to our house. It's Close by. Near the school, by the river. There are roses in the garden. We have to move on. Maybe you'll be stopping Close by. Maybe. Thank you, but we don't know where we'll be stopping. But you'll Come to town tomorrow at four, alright? Alright. See you at five, promise? Promise. - Hurry up guys. - There's time. It's not polite to keep people waiting. One lady is not people. Maybe we should stay, what if I won't know what to say... Then you talked so well she kissed you. You promised. Where are you going? We're supposed to be at the factory at four. Not four but five and not at the factory but at the school. A kiss, a promise... I have to go. I'm going for supplies, I Can give you a lift. Let's go guys. Wait for me! Don't go without me. Around the rustling forrest. is this true or a dream? What does this familiar sight remind you of? . Vistula's yellow sand, and straw roofs. Oka flows wide as the Vistula Deep as the Vistula. welcome, boys. Hurrah, hurrah! Cheers! Cheers! Just no trouble, there's not enough vodka for everyone. Citizens... Long live the friendship between Poland and Russia! Please sit down. Help yourselves. Cheers. Pass it on. Citizens, a toast to our dear soldiers. When the people rose to fight the rich were in the capital. The people cried: victory or death, the rich talked of rent. Bless you rich lords for our slavery and chains... Bless you princess and prelates for a country stained by the blood of fellow countrymen. Poland hasn't died yet, while we're still alive... What foreign powers took away, we shall by sword regain... You think this is the right place? - The roses are here. - So they are. What are you afraid of? Out of my way. You go. There's no one there. You've already met the dark one. Come in. Please sit at the table. You Can sit here lieutenant Jarosz. Were you born in Siberia? My father was born there and I... Of Course, what a striking resemblance. Look... gentlemen. Maybe he's your grandfather, Olgierd Jarosz, leader... Yes. My name's also Olgierd. What a wonderful reunion. Sit down gentlemen. I even managed to get a chicken. Would anybody like some egg? Help yourselves. - And you? - And Janek too. Has everyone been served? Lieutenant, please. Let's drink to our... Not so officially. To your health gentlemen. After five years the white eagles are back... The last time I saw Polish soldiers was in 1939... The high school I taught at was turned into a hospital. It was Queen Jadwiga's high school, I became a nurse. Wounded from all around were brought to our hospital. They were mainly young boys, like you... We'd bring Civilian Clothes to the soldiers that got better. I remember one old man even brought his frock... We did it so the Germans wouldn't take them prisoner. Cause they took everyone, even the sick, the old the young... They'd take them to war Camps... We'd take addresses to let their families know, nobody knew anything about their relatives' fate. It's good all that is over. Now it's just a memory... Listen... I have somewhere a tankjaCket. I don't need it, you Can have it. I'm sure you Could use it... Just the thing for a mechanic. Many Polish soldiers eluded imprisonment thanks to us... But there are many graves from those times in our Cemetery. I'm sorry for saying such sad things, it's such a nice day... The white roses are blooming. Come back from the battle field, Johnny. Come back to our house, like you did before. In return l'll give you the most beautiful rose blossom. How Can you treat him like this, he's part of the Crew. All hands to battle stations. At Stalingrad it was also hard sometimes... Szarik, shake hands, good dog. I... Few words, little vodka but a lot of heart. Guys, let's go to the Cemetery. Hey, your father's alive. Did you think you'd find your grandfather? Well, what did you have to drink? Cherry vodka, Soir de Paris... what is it? Let's go guys. Good bye. Stay. Some young guy... What is it Hans? Are you def? Nothing. The Cook brought the stew. - Damn it. - Let's go help. It's nothing. This stew is good. But what? Damn. Not a moment of peace and quiet. What are those idiots doing up there? Willi! Do it. So they're in a mood forjokes? Throw the Cover. You'll lie. Thank you. is this your lastjoke? Yes, now let's split. Willi, Willi, be quiet. Not here... Listen Janek, back home in Georgia we had this story. There was this boy and this girl. They loved each other, he gave her a ring. They were walking in high mountains, rocks on the left a Chasm on the right, a narrow path, she leaned on the rock her ring slipped off... and fell down the Cliff. He saw her sadness and he went to the bottom of the Canyon. A stream flowed there. He searched for many years... The Canyon was big and the ring small. Finally he found the ring and took it home to the girl. She was waiting for him, but she was old and gray. What good is this ring for when life passed us by. That's what she said putting the ring on her finger. But when she put it on they both got younger. He looked at her, her red lips, hair black as a raven's wing. Who searches patiently not only finds but time also awards him by giving extra hours. Guys, where is Gustlik? What are you doing here? It's Closing time, no time to look around now. Get the traitor. He's a traitor. There. You son of a gun, you're together with the Germans? - What are you doing? - He smells like a kraut. Traitor, they beat and killed people and he's with them. Corporal Kos, Corporal Jelen... You want to be like them? Let's go. You want to be prejudiced like them? Hatred is Contagious. Maybe it's them that killed my mother and father? Maybe they killed my father too. Sincro: wyxchari I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. So Lesterson, they're even capable of speech! Yes. But then, why not? After all, they have a certain intelligence. Yes I know, but... But is... is it... it is... an intelligence that we can control. So what you want is permission to continue your experiments? Governor, think what it would mean if we were to set it to work in the mines. It could double our production overnight! Consider the effects it could have on our whole economy. Yes, and the effect of that on Earth... Yes. Yes, they could be very grateful. I shall stop you. I will! All right Lesterson, permission granted. Permission? Permission for what? To continue my work, Examiner. But... But didn't you all hear what I said? The Daleks must be destroyed! Ho, ho. Never! Very well. If not by my order - then by Earth's! Come Ben, Polly. Ah, Examiner. Just a moment. Tell me, why are you so against this project? But I've told you! I realise I can't give you any proof, but you've no idea of the danger! No. Yes. Danger! I shall be contacting Earth just as soon as radio communications have been restored. You're my servant, are you? I... I am. Very well. Immobilise yourself. Go on. I order it! Immediately! Huh! Lesterson. Why did you stop obeying? You were given an order. He has gone. Then you obey only... His order was wrong. I cannot serve human beings if I am immobilised. You gave me power. Your orders are right. I serve you. Lesterson. Lesterson, it reasons. Just how limited is its intelligence? Now, there is no cause for... for concern, Governor. Just you wait until you see the amount of work it can do! And now, I'm really going to put you through your paces. Follow me, Dalek. I obey. That's it! We should have stayed with Quinn. Well, we couldn't have helped him Polly, even if we'd wanted to. The Governor's already reached his verdict. Wire. Scissors. Tape. But he didn't murder the real Examiner. I'm sure he didn't. Oh, well. The way I see it this lot's too busy arguing amongst themselves to do much about anything. Anyway, first things first. The Daleks are the important thing! Ah! Congratulations, Ben! What'd I do? What'd I do? You just used your brains, that's what you did. The Daleks are the most important thing! I still think Quinn's innocent. How can I be in league with the rebels? The evidence confirms it. It was I that warned of their dangers. As part of your overall plan! You wouldn't even take the matter seriously. If I was wrong then, I have a chance to rectify it now! If that's going to be your attitude, I suggest that we... Quinn! Let us conduct this inquiry in an orderly manner. Now, the Examiner was attacked, there can be no question of that. And the button grabbed by the Examiner was missing from your suit. Yes, if you've got anything to add to that, you'd better say it now. I didn't attack the man. I had no reason to. I was the one that sent for him! You sent for him? ! It was necessary. Under the circumstances, I'd hardly be likely to sabotage the radio communications. But... but why Quinn? Why? Because of the rebels! The rebels! They're nothing more than one or two fanatics. You know as well as I do that they... Unless you're trying to create trouble here - to undermine the Governor's position. Bragen, you'd better explain that. If you're removed, who takes your place? The Deputy Governor, of course. And that's the real reason behind all this trouble, isn't it Quinn? Go on. You attack the Examiner in the mercury swamp and blame it on the rebels. Then you sabotage the radio - blame that on the rebels too. Get him out of my sight! Hensell, before you listen to these preposterous allegations... I chose Quinn myself. I trained him for the job. Why, in a few years time, he'd have had this seat! Sometimes Governor, a few years is a long time to wait. Oh, Bragen? Governor? You will assume Quinn's duties. As of now, you are Deputy Governor. Ah! I hope you know what you're doing! So do I! Excellent. excellent. But I thought we were after the Daleks, not this control unit you've nicked! If only we could find a... Ah, yes! He's a right little delinquent, isn't he? Doctor, what on Earth are you up to? Ooh! Ah! Now we're really getting somewhere! Look Doctor, I don't want to appear dim, but how's this going to do the Daleks in? They think that Lesterson's the driving force, but I don't. The Daleks are using him. But how? Problem. Smash the Daleks, and the people here will lock us up or kill us. Let the Daleks go, and we'll all be exterminated. We could just go back to the TARDIS. At least we'd be safe to think there. Oh yes, that's coming on. Oh, you talk to him, will you? Doctor look, if you told us what you were up to, perhaps we could help you. Mustn't underestimate any of them. Lesterson's a first class scientist, first class. He opened the capsule. He realised that the Daleks could be reactivated. Yeah, that could be the answer. Let's kidnap Lesterson, and hide him away for a bit. Well, it would stop him bringing the Daleks back to life, wouldn't it? I thought it was pretty bright. There we are. What is it? What is it? It could be the answer to all our problems. Ah Examiner, don't let them fool you about the rebels. They're strong. Try and find out where they hold their meetings. Leave him alone! It's all right, Polly. We'll help him Polly, but later. Yes but... Now, this is a case where a little injustice is better than wholesale slaughter. What we want is in Lesterson's laboratory. Come along. Incredible! Well, let's move on to test fourteen. I am ready. When sodium acts on ethyl alcohol, what is the resulting derivative? Sodium ethoxide. C2 H5 ONA. Just five seconds, Janley! Just the time it took to speak the answer. Right too. But of course it's right! Look, can you imagine what kind of positronic brain this robot has, Janley? Think of the store of knowledge that it must carry. Sulphuric acid. H2 SO4. Ah, you see? May I come in? What do you want? Oh, ah, just to see how you're getting on. If you think... No, please! I'm... I'm not here to cause trouble. I... I'm just interested, that's all. You've done nothing but meddle and interfere ever since you landed on Vulcan. Well, I... I did give you permission to open up the capsule, now didn't I? Please, carry on. And you won't try to stop me? Stop you? No, of course not. We get off on the wrong foot, Lesterson, but... but I'm a reasonable man and... and I've been thinking, perhaps I was hasty. Well, if you... if you... if you really want to call a truce. A truce? My dear fellow, I... I'd like to be friends! Yes. Yes. Very well, you may stay. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Perhaps you'd like to amuse yourselves for a little while. Laboratory. Yes. All right, I can come now. Right. I just have to slip out for a few minutes, Lesterson, alright? Ah, yes, yes. Um, very well then. Examiner, shall we test its knowledge of physics? Oh, oh, splendid, splendid. Ah, huh, please, please, carry on. Thank you. D... what is the First Law of Thermodynamics? When heat is transformed into any other kind of energy or vice versa, the total quantity of energy remains invariable. That is to say, the quantity of heat which disappears is equivalent to the quantity of other kind of energy produced... Fool! What do you think you're doing? Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... I'm saving your life! Get out! Get out! Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... I have, ah, sustained no damage. It's all right to _? You were able to get away then? Yes. Lesterson's with the Examiner. And Hensell? At a meeting of production managers. He left me in control. We could take over the colony now. No. No it has to be absolutely right. I don't want to take over a colony full of rebels do I, Janley? Well, I don't know. You're making me help them. Only to stir them up to create enough trouble to get rid of Hensell, and then... and then we crush them. The whole colony will be grateful, and I'll be Governor. Is that the gun you told me of? Can you persuade the rebels this will help them? Yes, Valmar thinks he can work in a switch to turn it on and off. How powerful is it? It killed Resno, Lesterson's assistant, and Lesterson believes that Resno's simply shaken up - taking a few days off. And the body? In the mercury swamp. Lesterson was the indirect cause of Resno's death. It's a good hold over him if he makes trouble. I'll give this to Valmar then? Yes. When do we move? I need another card in my hand. The Examiner bothers me. I thought Quinn was the danger. Uh, not any more. The Examiner is no fool. No, there has to be something else. Well? Well, he's not in the laboratory, Lesterson's by himself. Hmm. He must have gone another way. Can I leave it you? I'm going to go back to the rest room. Well, but... Well, somebody's got to clear it up. Okay. Hello there. Hello. Um, you're Lesterson's assistant aren't you? Yes. You're not looking for the Examiner are you? Well, do you know where he is? Yes, he's waiting to get a message through from Earth. He's in the Communications Room. Umm... Oh, you'll find it easy enough. Look. Around, then to your right, in the next block. Thanks very much. Doctor? Anyone here? Well done Valmar. Hold her. Hold her. There, that'll keep her quiet for a bit. I've no idea who she is. She was just snooping around. I sent her. We want her kept out of the way. Get a couple of your men to keep her in a safe place. Now, this is what I told you about. Yes. The lethal power must come from here. Uh, huh. It should have quite a good range. Can you fix it? It's easy. This could win us the revolution. Ahh... She said she was coming back here. She knew the way, and she wouldn't have wandered off. I know she wouldn't! Oh! Ben, if you were a Dalek what would be your next move? I'm talking about Polly. Oh, no, no, no, no. She's a clever girl, but she couldn't answer this. But she is missing! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! No, no, no! She's looking around, there's a lot to see in the colony. She's interested. I like that. Come on. Where are we going? To report it. If we make a fool of ourselves, I don't care! We report it! Yes, yes, yes. I managed to stop that fool of an Examiner just in time. You know there are some people here who believe that you're an enemy. I am your servant. What does this machine do? You know, it's amazing. You have an almost human interest and curiosity. A Dalek is bet... is not the same as a human. If I am to help, I must know everything. Yes. Yes, of course. What is this machine? It computes meteorite storms as they approach our weather satellites. How accurate is it? About, ah, seventy percent. It helps to cut down on our satellite losses. Daleks can build pu... computers with one hundred percent accuracy. One hundred percent? If you provide materials and our own power unit, a computer will be built. A hundred percent. That would be an enormous saving for the... for the colony! Then, you will get the materials? I'll go and speak to the Governor at once. I will be ready to dictate the blueprint when you return. Huh, huh. Oh, that's marvellous! You agreed we'd go and see Bragen. Hmm? Power. Come on then! Now the energy intake for Daleks should be the cube... Now then... Well, now what are you at? Talk to yourself. Oh, it's useless with incomplete data! Lesterson! Eh? He just went past. That means we can get into his laboratory again. But we're looking for... Oh, come along, Ben. Come along. There's somebody in there. What are you doing here? Stand aside. Servants shouldn't question. Entry is restricted. Not for me it isn't. "Accord every access". I've got a badge. That is an order. A Dalek order. Short circuit the generator, Ben. Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Ah! ... Stand back! Don't be frightened of it Ben. It's not armed. I'm going to see what it was doing in there. Ben, let's get out of here! Fool. Lesterson must have reactivated them. Yes. When I say run, run like a rabbit. Run! I have sent the human being for materials. And power? Yes. Power we can turn into static, then we will conquer. We will conquer... We will conquer... We will conquer... But if you didn't do it Lesterson, then the Dalek must have used your power supply and reactivated the others itself. I was going to do that anyway. Are you off your head, mate? Those two are armed! Then we turn off the electricity, disarm them, and then everything is safe again. I've already explained to you. Stop these arguments, both of you. I've had enough. I've every confidence in Lesterson. He has carte blanche for the Daleks from now on. But they must be destroyed! Bragen, I'm making a tour of the perimeter. I put you in direct charge here. See that Lesterson gets everything he wants, will you? I shall need a permanent guard on my laboratory, Bragen. Don't worry about the Examiner. I think I can keep him quiet. We've been forgetting about Polly. Greed and ambition, that's all it is. Wait till they find out what their precious production figures have cost them! Oh, I want to see you. What about? Well it's Polly, she's missing. We can't find her anywhere. I'll tell one of my men to make enquiries. It shouldn't take long to find her. Ah, thanks. Examiner, some of my men have found a body in the mercury swamp. It was the body of a middle-aged man. What is that to do with me? You're the Examiner - or maybe you're not. Just exactly what do you mean by that? Who are you? Quinn's friends? Come to stir up rebellion? There's only one possible way that you could know I'm not the Examiner. Yeah, by knowing what the real Examiner looked like! Exactly, Ben. Exactly! Only two people knew of his arrival on this planet. Myself and his murderer. That's enough! Is it? Doctor, we've got to tell the Governor. Do you think he'll believe you? I'll soon convince him that you murdered the man yourself. You stole the Examiner's badge. Then why don't you arrest us? Because there's a doubt isn't there? Because it might, it just might, go against you. All right, all right, so neither of us wants to make a move. But you leave Lesterson alone - and the Daleks! He'd make a right Father Christmas, wouldn't he? Oh, I'd rather fight a hundred of his sort than just one Dalek. Listen to this. "The girl is safe. She will remain so as long as you leave the Daleks alone". And did you disarm the other two? Yes. We are your servants. We do not need guns. I'm very glad. I knew the Examiner was wrong about you. Did you get our materials? Yes. Everything you need you can have. And a power plant? Everything. We will get our power. We will get our power. We will get our power. We will get our power. We will... [Engines Roaring] [Man On Speaker] Please fasten your seat belt, Senator Clark. We're landing. Senator. I'm Dr. Phillips - Doug Phillips. I hope we haven't kept you waiting. [Switch Clicks] Mobile Tic-Tod to Tic-Toc Base. Permission to enter. Code: Red Lion. [ Man On Phone] Tic-Toc Base to Mobile Tic-Toc 1. Permission granted. - Dr. Phillips. -Jiggs. This is Senator Clark. This is Master Sergeant Jiggs, the ramrod of our security forces. Glad to meet you, Senator. - I'll take that, please. - Security, Senator. Senator. There are over 72, 000 personnel quartered in each of those complexes. Each complex is over 800 floors deep. You know, Phillips, every time I check your budget figures... I ask myself the same question: ls time travel really worth all this? Senator, the control of time... is potentially the most valuable treasure that man will ever find. Well, it's certainly the most costly. Will you come with me, please. Senator. Hang on. We're going into free fall for 800 floors. There's much more to see below. It'll be over in a few seconds, Senator. - An old friend of yours, I believe. - Leroy. - Hello, Leroy. - Woody. My, it's been a long time. How did they ever get an old dogface like you out of the mud? Huh. Worst paratroop officer I ever commanded. I told him to go into politics, where he couldn't hurt anyone. Aw, come on. That was meant to be a gag, not a dig. Now what's all this, uh, investigation nonsense? Well, I think you can guess why I'm here, Woody. Oh, of course. Come over here a minute. Did you ever see anything like this before in your life? No, I can't say that I have. That's what I'm here to talk about. General. I think Tony ought to be in on this. - Where is he? - In the Tunnel. This way. [ Computers whirring] So that's the monster that's cost us all this money, hmm? Yes, Senator. Well, Leroy, what do you think? - Pretty expensive toy. - Toy? Hardly a toy, Senator. These are the control banks where our electrical power is mixed. You've probably heard of Dr. Raymond Swain? Undoubtedly the finest mind in electronics living in the world today. And that's Dr. Ann MacGregor, our supervising electro-biologist. Her unit determines the amount of force and heat... a time traveler can sustain. According to your reports, all you've ever... - sent back in time are mice and monkeys. -So far, yes. How do you know they weren't just disintegrated? Disintegration would cause some residue in matter. Have you ever returned any of these animals to this laboratory safe and sound? - Nut yet, no. But- - Then so far as we know... this whole thing might be just a fancy disappearing act. - Isn't that true? - Actually, at this point- You're guessing, Doctor, and, so far, your guessing... has cost the United States government 7 1/2 billion dollars. This way, Senator. Tony! Could you come out here a minute? Doug. It's gonna work. I just finished the polarization, and it just feels right. - Take a look. - Senator Leroy Clark. Dr. Anthony Newman. - Excuse me, Senator. - Doctor? You seem a little young for that title... not to mention being number two man on this project. His youth is only a disguise, Senator. Inside is an old genius struggling to get out. I'm glad you were interested enough in our project to pay us a personal call, Senator. Let's just say I don't like to scrap billions of dollars by just sending a memo. - Scrap? - Tony. The senator feels our experiments haven't shown enough success... to warrant the time and money invested. - But we're so close now. - Close to what, son? To sending a man back in time and returning him, of course. Well, then do it. No more promises, boys. I want a fact I can grab hold of. - By when? - When? You and the general have been on this for 1 O years. You've been with the project almost seven. I say the time is now. You mean today? That's right, because tomorrow afternoon I'm flying back to Washington... to write you a blank check... or cut your umbilical cord. Leroy, you- We are not ready to risk a life. Doug. Let me try it. Absolutely not. We just give up. Is that it? We've put our lives into this project. I'm not going to commit murder... and I'm not going to allow you to commit suicide just to satisfy a budget. That's no answer. That's not even science. Excuse me. He seems a little emotional for a scientist. [Clicks Tongue] Anything else you want to show me? - Plenty. - Leroy, we haven't even begun. Senator. [Computers Whirring] [Oscillating] This is a red alert! Red alert! All Time Tunnel personnel report to their stations on the double! [Alarms Blaring] [Electrical Charges Firing] It's Tony. - Doug, can't you stop him? - Not now. He'd burn alive. - George, start the countdown. - [ Man ] Sixteen, 75... 14, 13... - 72, 77, 70- [ Continues Counting] - What's happening to him? He's in a radiation freeze. It's the first step in his relocation. - ...four, three, two... - Pray that it works. - one, zero! - [High-pitched Tone] - [ Tone Stops] - All right. Start location probe. Jerry, see if you can synchronize the time curve. Ray, give us a power-and-distance ratio. - Ann, find what specific radiation Tony is. - I'll try. - Well, where is he? - [ Flipping Switches] He could be living in yesterday or next week or a million years from now. - How do you know? - You've got your guinea pig, Sen- - Doug! - Okay, take a sock at me if it'll make you feel better. But I'd still like to know what's going on. [Exhales] Tony just finished developing that radiation bath. That was the blue mist you saw just before he disappeared. Now, in theory, this should give us a magnetic fix- like a homing device- to enable us to locate him in time. In theory. What if it doesn't work? Well, then he'll be lost in time for the rest of his life. [Electrical Charges Firing] [Ship's Horn Blowing] G,' [Dance Band: Slow Ragtime] - Are you hurt? - [Quietly] I've made it. Hmm? You are hurt. I'll call someone. Oh, no, no. I'm- - I'm fine. Really. - But you had a very bad fall. ♪♪ [ Continues, Muffled] I, uh-l didn't look where I was going. It's a pretty big ship. It's, uh, supposed to be the biggest ever built. It doesn't look so big in the middle of all this water, does it? Are you, uh- You are American, aren't you? - Huh? - Are you American? Oh - Oh, please. Why don't you sit down? Oh, yes, uh - Yes, I am. - Anthony Newman. -Althea Hall. Uh, do, uh, all Americans adopt the vigorous life... just to, uh, please your Teddy Roosevelt? - Teddy? - Mr. Roosevelt. Oh, no. I, uh-l guess I should have put on a jacket. I didn't think it would be so cold. Then you've, uh, never spent April in London. I do hope it'll be warmer when we reach New York. Is that where- That is, are you making your first trip to New York? As a matter of fact, I am. Does it show? Oh, no. No, of course not. I - I just wondered. Not that I'm one of those Europeans who think there are still, uh... cowboys and Indians in New York. But it is the other side of the world, isn't it? - That depends on which side you start from. - Touché. I haven't noticed you in the dining room the past three days. Are you a man of mystery, Mr. Newman? I've, uh, been eating in my cabin- catching up on some work. Well, it's bad luck to work on Saturday nights... particularly when it's the 13th. - Saturday, April 13. - Are you superstitious? Oh, no. No, I've... just been working so much... I've lost all track of time. Well, I think I... better get that jacket. See you again, Miss Hall. [ Children Chattering] [Shuffleboard Disc Clatters] [Whispering] Titanic? - Any luck? - No, not yet. Doug, we've collated the automatic settings that Tony used. The energy he employed could not have sent him more than a hundred years... forward or back in time- probably less. - Ann, reduce your limits. - [ Clark] Only a hundred years forward or back. - Ann, reduce your limits. - [ Clark] Only a hundred years forward or back. That means you have to pinpoint him across 200 years. 200 years is just a heartbeat... compared to the countless billions of years of time. Yes, I suppose so. Well, what happens if you find him? Tony and his immediate environment will be relayed into the Tunnel's recorders... and reproduced instantly on the image area. - You mean we'll be able to see him? - See and hear him. - Would he be able to see us? - No, but he'll know what we're trying to do. He might communicate with us on the assumption that we've found him. [ Oscillating] - Ray. - I know, Doug. I'm beginning to get some irregular coordination. G,' [ Tones Chiming] Sounds like bells. ♪♪ [ Chiming] - Captain. - Good afternoon. Captain, I must speak to you. It's very important. Yes, of course. You're, uh - You're Mr.- My name is Newman, sir, but that doesn't matter. Captain, I must tell you something. Yes, of course, Mr. Newman. What did you want to say? I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm out of my mind. Come, come, my dear fellow. You're dissatisfied with your accommodations... or the food or- or perhaps you've misplaced something and you're afraid it's been stolen. - In any case, I assure you- - Captain, this ship is the Titanic. Is that what you had to tell me? What I mean, sir, is the Titanic sank. It struck an iceberg and was lost. Sank? This is our maiden voyage, sir. That means our first voyage. I trust this is not some poor attempt at a practical joke. No, Captain, it's not a joke. I swear to you. How can I make you understand? Perhaps if you stopped talking nonsense, Mr. Newman. Newman. Newman. I don't recall. Are you in second class or third? I'm not on the passenger list, Captain. I'm Dr. Anthony Newman. My doctorate's in electro-physics. It's a very impressive title, Doctor. Listen, I know I sound insane, but you must believe me- for the sake of thousands of lives. I can't remember the exact hour and day of the disaster, but it's history. Stop this rubbish. We are riding on a calm sea. You talk about sinkings and disasters as though they'd already happened. It has for me, Captain. I was born in 1938. - If you insist. -Captain. I'm part of a scientific team in the year 1968. We've been experimenting with time displacement. I've been sent back in time to this ship- to this moment, month and year. Mr. Grainger, this gentleman is a confessed stowaway. Please see that he's confined till we reach New York. Captain, you'll never reach New York. I'm afraid his peculiar ideas might alarm some of the other passengers. I suggest you keep him incommunicado and under guard. Yes, sir. All right. Even if you don't believe me, it wouldn't hurt you to change your course. - Go farther south. - Take him below. Captain! Not reach New York? Change our course? What sort of gibberish was that, sir? Well, I make him some sort of harmless crank, Mr. Grainger. But there are other transatlantic lines... which would not like to see us set a record on our maiden run. I can't believe they'd go to these lengths, but- - Well, I think that'll be all, Mr. Grainger. -Aye, aye, sir. - Oh, Mr. Grainger. -Sir. - Wire for further information on iceberg movements, will you. - We did, this morning, sir. - Well, confirm them. - Aye, aye, sir. [Electronic Warbling] [Flipping Switches] - Look. - [Oscillating] [Ship's Horn Blows] Ray, we need some pressure magnification. A ship that size- it couldn't have been too long ago. Anybody recognize it? I do. I'd know those lines anywhere. Gentlemen, that's the Titanic. - A picture of the Titanic. - No, not a picture. It is the Titanic. Then Tony must be on board. When did the Titanic go down? Ann, get the boys on the history computer to give us a complete rundown on the Titanic... with pictures and cross-section diagrams. I want tonnage, speed, equipment- the works. Also, the year, day and minute she went down. But Dr. Newman is alive now, in our time. How could he be affected by something that's happening at the beginning of the century? No. He's living in that time zone now. Anything that happens to us won't affect him there... but if he's on that ship when it goes down... he'll die along with the others. - Just a few minutes, ma'am. -Thank you. - How did you find me? - I just spoke to the captain. Is it true that you're a stowaway? In a sense, yes. And that you're trying to alarm passengers with- with wild stories of the ship's safety? Althea, do you have the time- the exact time? - Is-Is that important to you? - Desperately important. It's exactly six minutes past 10:00 in the evening. Oh. What are you doing? There's so much to explain. I don't know where to begin. Well, tell me. Why are you behaving like this? Do you know, it's been a peaceful trip up till now. And then, out of nowhere, you- - Well, I don't understand. - I know you don't. I've just begun to realize how stupid I am to think anybody could possibly understand. Would you let me try? - I'm glad you were concerned enough to ask about me. - Oh. Althea, do you believe in the future? I mean, that there really is a future for you, your children, mankind? Yes, of course I do. And obviously you believe in the past. Everybody does. But what if I were to tell you that the past and the future are the same? - You think I'm raving. - No, no. I don't. I don't blame you. Suppose I told you that time itself doesn't exist. It's only motion we measure- the motion of the Earth spinning... the orbit of the Earth around the sun. - Tony, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no. I'm the one who's sorry. I frightened you. You see, all I wanted to do was for you to let me help you. [ Knocking ] Sorry, ma'am. Captain said just a few minutes was all. Oh. I'm just coming. Thank you. Look, uh, why don't you let me tell the captain that you didn't mean what you said... and that you won't mention it again, hmm? I can't promise that, Althea... not when I know what's going to happen. But you don't know. Nobody knows. You can't. [Pounding] [Panting] That's it. Hold those coordinates. [ Man] The captain said to keep you quiet. If that means using chains, Mister, I have them too. Doug! I don't know if you're picking me up. If you're just getting sound, I'm on the Titanic... locked in a forward cabin just above the waterline. He's a prisoner. It's 9:75 a.m., April 74, 7972. I don't know when it's gonna sink, but- They've got me locked up... because I tried to warn the captain. He's right in the middle of the section that was slashed open by that iceberg. - What about the date? - Let's see- "The Titanic struck an iceberg late on Sunday evening, April 14... and sank during the early hours of Monday, April 15." - Then he's got about 14 hours. - Fourteen hours. No, he hasn't, Senator. Tony's locked in a room that could be flooded as soon as they hit that berg. No. We're the ones that have 14 hours if we're going to try and save him. Well, what can you do? Theoretically, we can suspend Tony in his time zone and remove him from it. But, during that suspension, Tony's body processes- his heart, his breathing, his tissue regeneration- would all stop. Unless we can return him here or to some other time zone within seconds... we'll kill him. - That's what you're thinking, isn't it? - Not exactly. There were over 300 men who summed the Titanic. Tony knows what will happen. If he were free, he could be one of those survivors. Yes, but we can't free him by remote control. - No, but we could go back and help him. - Doug, no. Yesterday, you refused to let Tony do what he went and did anyway, and you were right. What do you expect to do now except die with him? What do you suggest? We just sit here and watch him die? At least my way he'd have a chance. Now, remember, I'll appear there dressed for the period and prepared with the facts. That reminds me. Have Research get me a copy of a New York paper dated April 15,1912. Doug, you and I have worked together long enough for you to know... that I don't give orders just to play soldier. I know that, Woody. But,just this once, it might be the right thing to do. Now, we have a friend that's in danger. You're trying to protect me from that danger. I appreciate that. But if Tony weren't back there, this research would have come to a close. Isn't that true? All right. Tony's risking his life to succeed where I failed. If we don't have the faith in what we're doing here... and the guts to back up that faith- Woody, Dr. Newman took off on his own like a madman. If you let this man go, it's a cold-blooded responsibility... you might have to live with the rest of your life. Would you let me go if our positions were reversed? Probably not. I turned Tony down. But I'm hoping you're tougher than I am. Prepare your briefing procedure. I'll organize a countdown. - Good luck, Doug. - It'll work, Senator. Doug, your master guidance control has been programmed... for an identical overlay with Tony's. If you overshoot me a day or more, I'll get there before Tony. Or a day late, and you wind up... in the freezing waters where the ship sank with Tony on it. Doug, please. Don't go. I have to. Ray, you'll be calling the scientific shots from this end. Don't gamble unless you have to. But if you do have to, go for broke. Don't worry. [George] Sixteen, 75, 74... 13, 12... 11, 10, nine... eight, seven, six, five, four... three, two, one, zero. Hey now! Where'd you come from? I'm sorry. I guess I should get back where I belong. Guess you should. Tourist. Oh. It's all right. Come on in. Anything wrong, son? - Oh, excuse me, sir. - It's all right. I'm just washing up. Ah. You didn't happen to see a little French boy... with his pockets bulging with food, did you? - Did you say food? - Yes, sir. His parents are immigrants in the third class. He's been raiding the dining room tables in the first class for leftovers. Not that we blame the little fella, sir. But, if you allow one, they'll all descend on you, if you know what I mean, sir. - Of course. -The little fella seems to have given me the slip. He's a clever little tyke, you know. - Now, who left this about? - That's mine. Thank you. Oh, I see, sir. Carry on. - It's all clear. - Merci, monsieur. Merci bien! Oh, you're very welcome. What's your name, young man? Marcel. Marcel Corbeau. Well, I'm Dr. Phillips. It's a pleasure to meet you, Marcel. Say, I'm looking for a friend of mine. He's supposed to be locked up somewhere in the third-class area. - Would you know anything about him? - Friend? - An American. - Ah! Oui, oui, monsieur. The Américain. - Good. You think you could take me to him? - Our'. Come with me. - Maybe you and I could figure out some way to get in to see him. - Oui, oui. Here! Don't fool with that! Tony. Hey, Tony - Doug. - Are you all right? That radiation gimmick of yours was great, Tony. We were able to home right in on you. I could even pick up the sound of your voice right through those bulkheads. And I was able to pick this point in time exactly. You were out of your mind to come here. [Tony] Now we're both stuck on the ship. Leroy. Leroy! Somethings coming through. [ Doug] No, we're not. I have this. The guards coming back. They're together! Ann, regulate the probe for 50% less radiation absorption. Ann, regulate the probe for 50% less radiation absorption. It's no good. The captain won't believe it. He thinks I'm some kind of conspirator already. He'll say I had it printed. Why did you come here? Well, I had to. Oh, you would have done the same for me. - But you know this ship is gonna sink tonight. - Maybe not. Doug, they won't listen, I tell you. I have tried. Tony, what if we were to get in to the ship's wireless, take it over? What if we were to wire for help before the collision? - There'd be no Titanic disaster. - Exactly. Well, You're not afraid to try, are you? The first thing we have to do is take care of that guard out there. Well, all right. He thinks you're in here alone. Make some noise. Let me outta this place! You hear me? I said let me out, or I'll break a hole in this tub! What the devil- You're asking for it, all right. I Typing] Good afternoon, gentlemen. May I, uh, help you? [ Pounding Continues] The Dutch liner's picked up our C.Q.D. [ Tapping Morse Code] Get away from there! Stop him! What on earth? So, it's you. I see you have a confederate. - They were using the wireless, sir. - What? This is no longer a prank. You are in serious trouble. I promise you that. I know you didn't believe my friend here, and you won't believe me. But you can believe your own eyes. This ship will strike an iceberg at 77:40 tonight and go down. - The story's all here in tomorrow's paper. - Take them below. And this time, see that they stay there. Captain, you've got to believe me! Captain, we're getting calls from many ships... requesting our position and the nature of our distress. Tell them to disregard all distress signals from this ship. - We are in good order and safely underway. - Aye, sir. [Ship's Horn Blowing] G,' [Piano Ragtime] Oh, thank you. [ Crash] - Come with me, Mr. Grainger. -Aye, sir. [ Tunnel Oscillating] - Would you wait outside for a moment, Mr. Grainger. - Aye, aye sir. We have hit an iceberg, just as the two of you predicted. Now, how could you have known? Captain, the only explanation is the truth. You see, we come from the year 7968. We've traveled back through time to this moment. What's happening here is history to us. My reasoning cannot accept that. In any case, when we repair damage and reach New York... perhaps a maritime inquiry can fathom your story. Captain, your ship is going down. That is impossible. This ship is unsinkable. This ship is dead, and so is everyone on board... unless you give immediate orders to lower the lifeboats! Captain, we've warned you of the collision. Please believe us about this. What have you got to lose? Order those lifeboats away. [ Loud Crash] - Mr. Grainger. -Sir. Order the crew to begin "abandon ship" procedure. - Abandon ship, sir? But- - Do as I say. Aye, aye, sir. Very well, gentlemen. With more than 2,300 souls on board... I cannot afford to ignore even the remotest possibility. Your lifeboats will only hold about 750. How did you know that? Well, despite the fact that this ship was built and advertised... as the vessel that could not be sunk... your life-saving equipment is insufficient and inadequate. Are you telling me that only 750 will survive? Yes, sir. I see. My mind will not let me believe you. But I do believe in a God, gentlemen. If what you say is true, then only the fact that you were here... will save those who do survive. I would have to consider that a miracle of God's mercy. In a way, sir, perhaps it is. Captain, do you think maybe we could all be of more help on the decks? Yes. Yes, of course. It occurs to me now you may even know whether I will die tonight. Yes, sir, I'm afraid you will. - [ Tunnel Oscillating] - [Loud Crash] [Men Shouting] You don't know that you can remove them from their present time zone. You might just kill them yourself. What's our choice, General, to let them die with that ship? Even if you do remove them, you won't have any control after that. They'd disappear in time... to any moment in the billions of years of the past or future. Is that any worse than condemning them to certain death aboard the Titanic? I wonder. Check the lifeboats on the upper deck. I'll see below. Right. [ Shouting, Screaming] [ Woman ] Help! Help! - Mr. Thomas. - Sir. Only women and children are allowed in the lifeboats. - That order is not to be violated. - Aye, aye, sir. - Mr. Martin. -Sir! - Advise the boiler room to evacuate immediately. - Aye, aye, sir. - Mr. Williams. -Sir. - Assign six seamen to assist the passengers in steerage. - Aye, aye, sir. [ Shouting, Screaming ] - [Loud Crashing] - [ Shouting, Screaming] [ Shouting, Screaming ] Hey! Althea. What are you doing? The ship is sinking. - It doesn't matter for me. - [Loud Crash] - Althea. - No, Tony. You don't understand. I've no right to take a place on one of those lifeboats. I'm not a rich girl on holiday. I'm just an ordinary schoolteacher. I spent the last penny of my savings for this trip. What difference does that make? The difference is I'm going to die soon anyway. - What are you talking about? - I'm... ill. There-There's a growth inside my head. it's just a matter of months. - Are you sure? - My doctor in London is sure. He said there's a doctor in New York who's working on a new type of brain operation. It's called... neurosurgery, I think. But it's just a matter of months. - There's really no hope. - Of course there is. Neurosurgery is not a fad, and it's not hopeless. Althea, some brain operations have become as commonplace as taking out tonsils. - Become? - Althea, you'll just have to trust me. The chances that you can be helped are probably much better than you think. Are you a doctor too? No, I am not a doctor, and you've no right to play God. I'm not even attempting to play God. You're deciding when it's time for you to live or die. You don't have that right. You are asking me to believe in miracles. I am asking you to believe in life, not death,. Althea, please, believe in me. - [Sh/pk Horn Blowing] - [ Shouting, Screaming] - [Sh/pk Horn Blowing] - [ Shouting, Screaming] [ Electricity Crack/mg] Marcel! Marcel! - Time to take a ride. -All right. [Horn Continues Blowing] Women and children only! [ Loud Crash] - [ Shouting, Screaming Continue] - Helen! Wait for me! - [Explosions] - [ Horn Continues Blowing] [ Shouting, Screaming] - Put this on. - What's going to happen to you? - Never mind that now. Hurry. - I won't see you again. - Here, that this. - What is it? It's a 1968 wristwatch. I want you to have it. Then it's true, all the things you were saying. Come on, Miss. We're going. Tony, there's trouble on "A" Deck. Follow me. In a way, you've created a monster. To have to stand here helplessly watching people die, it's horrible! There's not much time. [ Passengers Clamoring] [Screaming] Doug! Tony! - Freeze them! - What happened to them? They're alive if the time transfer worked. - Well where? - We don't really know. - Can we establish any limits? - Not with certainty. - [Kirk] Hurry! They're dying' - Accelerate power. They've been separated in time. Doug? Doug! Doug! See who that is. Hold it right there, Mister. [Gasping For Breath] I'm one of the men in charge of the station. You must be new here. I'm Dr. Newman. I'm back. I've been here 14 months, Mister, and I never heard of any Dr. Newman. Fourteen months? But I've been here every day for the past seven years. Now what's the problem, soldier? Figs? It is you, isn't it? I didn't recognize you without the mustache. Jiggs, it's me, Dr. Newman. Newman? I never heard of any Newman around here. And, Mister, I never had a mustache. What are you talking about? You know me - Tony Newman. Mister, I've never seen you before in my life. They brought me back in the wrong time. He looks younger. And look at the license plate on that truck. Magnification. You brought him back 1 O years ago! We didn't. It just happened- a fluke. But if he's this close- Ray, we've got to close a ID-year-gap before we lose him. Well, why not just go out there? You'd see nothing. You're in the present. That's taking place 1 O years ago. - What's the trouble here, Sergeant? - Doug! - They got you back too! - You better get going, Doc. We got a weird one here. -It's Phillips. - Yeah. Ten years ago. Newman was still in school then. He and Phillips hadn't even met. Good Lord, can you imagine the nightmare Tony must be living through now? - [Kirk] Ray can't you do anything? - Intensify the probe. [ whirring ] Well, You better see that he gets a ride back into towm, Jiggs. After what he's seen? He'll have to answer a few questions for our security officer. Doug. Doug, wait. Tell him who I am. Doug, tell him who I am! Doug, tell him who I am! Doug! Doug. Doug, wait! - Wait! Doug! - On the double! If he doesn't stop, shoot him! Tony's broken loose! He's half out of his mind! - We'll need more time to try a return transfer. - He doesn't have time! He resists and those men may kill him. - Superimpose his signal with Doug's. -We'll lose him. At least the two of them will be together when we try a location probe. Doug! Doug! - [ Warning Shot Fired] - Doug! Doug! The Tunnel's gone blank. Well, we moved Tony from that time zone of 10 years ago. Well, wherever he and Doug are now... at least they're together. But where? We couldn't begin to guess. [ Computers whirring] Leroy, Sergeant Jiggs will escort you to the surface. - A car's waiting for you there. - Thanks, Woody. - Good-bye, Doctor. - Good-bye, Senator, and thank you very much, sir. Of course, my committee will take no action on this... until Phillips and Newman are safely back... or beyond hope. But I, uh-l will have to give some estimate of their chances. We're doing everything we can. We're perfecting our technique and apparatus every day, Senator. I'd have to say, without trying to be funny... that it's just a matter of time. Well, it always helps to keep a sense of humor about things. - Good-bye, Doctor. Good luck, Woody. - Good-bye, sir. - Leroy. - [jiggs ] This way, sir. Ray. Are you being optimistic, or am I being pessimistic? Well, General, we know they're still alive... and we've started another location probe. [Scoffs] Which won't mean beans... unless they can survive... wherever they are. [Oscillations] [ Thunderclaps ] " Tony " Doug! Hey, at least this time you know me. Know you? What do you mean? I've been clawing my way through this jungle for hours. They must've seen the whole thing on Tunnel control and switched us. Yeah. But where? This place is like some gigantic hothouse. Maybe it's - Maybe it's an island. Man, right now I'd settle for the Amazon... as long as it was the 1968 Amazon. [ Creature Bellowing] [ Bellowing Continues] [ Engines Roaring ] [ Man On Speaker] Please fasten your seat belt, Senator Clark. We're landing. Senator. I'm Dr. Phillips - Doug Phillips. I hope we haven't kept you waiting. [ Switch Clicks ] Mobile Tic-Toc 1 to Tic-Toc Base. Permission to enter. Code: Red Lion. [ Man On Phone ] Tic-Toc Base to Mobile Tic-Toc 1. Permission granted. - Dr. Phillips. -Jiggs. This is Senator Clark. This is Master SergeantJiggs, the ramrod of our security forces. Glad to meet you, Senator. - I'll take that, please. - Security, Senator. Senator. There are over 1 2,000 personnel quartered in each of those complexes. Each complex is over 800 floors deep. You know, Phillips, every time I check your budget figures... I ask myself the same question: Is time travel really worth all this? Senator, the control of time... is potentially the most valuable treasure that man will ever find. Well, it's certainly the most costly. Will you come with me, please. Senator. Hang on. We're going into free fall for 800 floors. There's much more to see below. It'll be over in a few seconds, Senator. - An old friend of yours, I believe. - Leroy. - Hello, Leroy. - Woody. My, it's been a long time. How did they ever get an old dogface like you out of the mud? Huh. Worst paratroop officer I ever commanded. I told him to go into politics, where he couldn't hurt anyone. Aw, come on. That was meant to be a gag, not a dig. Now what's all this, uh, investigation nonsense? Well, I think you can guess why I'm here, Woody. Oh, of course. Come over here a minute. Did you ever see anything like this before in your life? No, I can't say that I have. That's what I'm here to talk about. General. I think Tony ought to be in on this. - Where is he? - In the Tunnel. This way. [ Computers Whirring ] So that's the monster that's cost us all this money, hmm? Yes, Senator. Well, Leroy, what do you think? - Pretty expensive toy. - Toy? Hardly a toy, Senator. These are the control banks where our electrical power is mixed. You've probably heard of Dr. Raymond Swain? Undoubtedly the finest mind in electronics living in the world today. And that's Dr. Ann MacGregor, our supervising electro-biologist. Her unit determines the amount of force and heat... a time traveler can sustain. According to your reports, all you've ever... - sent back in time are mice and monkeys. - So far, yes. How do you know they weren't just disintegrated? Disintegration would cause some residue in matter. Have you ever returned any of these animals to this laboratory safe and sound? - Not yet, no. But- - Then so far as we know... this whole thing might be just a fancy disappearing act. - Isn't that true? - Actually, at this point- You're guessing, Doctor, and, so far,your guessing... has cost the United States government 7 1 /2 billion dollars. This way, Senator. Tony! Could you come out here a minute? Doug. It's gonna work. I just finished the polarization, and it just feels right. - Take a look. - Senator Leroy Clark. Dr. Anthony Newman. - Excuse me, Senator. - Doctor? You seem a little young for that title... not to mention being number two man on this project. His youth is only a disguise, Senator. Inside is an old genius struggling to get out. I'm glad you were interested enough in our project to pay us a personal call, Senator. Let's just say I don't like to scrap billions of dollars by just sending a memo. - Scrap? - Tony. The senator feels our experiments haven't shown enough success... to warrant the time and money invested. - But we're so close now. - Close to what, son? To sending a man back in time and returning him, of course. Well, then do it. No more promises, boys. I want a fact I can grab hold of. - By when? - When? You and the general have been on this for 1 0 years. You've been with the project almost seven. I say the time is now. You mean today? That's right, because tomorrow afternoon I'm flying back to Washington... to write you a blank check... or cut your umbilical cord. Leroy, you- We are not ready to risk a life. Doug. Let me try it. Absolutely not. We just give up. Is that it? We've put our lives into this project. I'm not going to commit murder... and I'm not going to allow you to commit suicide just to satisfy a budget. That's no answer. That's not even science. Excuse me. He seems a little emotional for a scientist. [ Clicks Tongue ] Anything else you want to show me? - Plenty. - Leroy, we haven't even begun. Senator. [ Computers Whirring ] [ Oscillating ] This is a red alert! Red alert! All Time Tunnel personnel report to their stations on the double! [ Alarms Blaring ] [ Electrical Charges Firing ] It's Tony. - Doug, can't you stop him? - Not now. He'd burn alive. - George, start the countdown. - [ Man ] Sixteen, 1 5... 1 4, 1 3... - 1 2, 1 1, 1 0-[ Continues Counting ] - What's happening to him? He's in a radiation freeze. It's the first step in his relocation. - ...four, three, two... - Pray that it works. - one, zero.! - [ High-pitched Tone ] - [ Tone Stops ] - All right. Start location probe. Jerry, see if you can synchronize the time curve. Ray, give us a power-and-distance ratio. - Ann, find what specific radiation Tony is. - I'll try. - Well, where is he? - [ Flipping Switches ] He could be living in yesterday or next week or a million years from now. - How do you know? - You've got your guinea pig, Sen- - Doug! - Okay, take a sock at me if it'll make you feel better. But I'd still like to know what's going on. [ Exhales ] Tony just finished developing that radiation bath. That was the blue mist you saw just before he disappeared. Now, in theory, this should give us a magnetic fix- like a homing device- to enable us to locate him in time. In theory. What if it doesn't work? Well, then he'll be lost in time for the rest of his life. [ Electrical Charges Firing ] [ Ship's Horn Blowing ] [ Dance Band: Slow Ragtime ] - Are you hurt? - [ Quietly ] I've made it. Hmm? You are hurt. I'll call someone. Oh, no, no. I'm- - I'm fine. Really. - But you had a very bad fall. [ Continues, Muffled ] I, uh - I didn't look where I was going. It's a pretty big ship. It's, uh, supposed to be the biggest ever built. It doesn't look so big in the middle of all this water, does it? Are you, uh- You are American, aren't you? - Huh? - Are you American? Oh - Oh, please. Why don't you sit down? Oh, yes, uh-Yes, I am. - Anthony Newman. - Althea Hall. Uh, do, uh, all Americans adopt the vigorous life... just to, uh, please your Teddy Roosevelt? - Teddy? - Mr. Roosevelt. Oh, no. I, uh - I guess I should have put on a jacket. I didn't think it would be so cold. Then you've, uh, never spent April in London. I do hope it'll be warmer when we reach New York. Is that where- That is, are you making your first trip to New York? As a matter of fact, I am. Does it show? Oh, no. No, of course not. I - I just wondered. Not that I'm one of those Europeans who think there are still, uh... cowboys and Indians in New York. But it is the other side of the world, isn't it? - That depends on which side you start from. - Touche. I haven't noticed you in the dining room the past three days. Are you a man of mystery, Mr. Newman? I've, uh, been eating in my cabin- catching up on some work. Well, it's bad luck to work on Saturday nights... particularly when it's the 1 3th. - Saturday, April 1 3. - Are you superstitious? Oh, no. No, I've... just been working so much... I've lost all track of time. Well, I think I... better get that jacket. See you again, Miss Hall. [ Children Chattering ] [ Shuffleboard Disc Clatters ] [ Whispering ] Titanic? - Any luck? - No, not yet. Doug, we've collated the automatic settings that Tony used. The energy he employed could not have sent him more than a hundred years... forward or back in time- probably less. - Ann, reduce your limits. - [ Clark ] Only a hundred years forward or back. That means you have to pinpoint him across 200 years. 200 years is just a heartbeat... compared to the countless billions of years of time. Yes, I suppose so. Well, what happens if you find him? Tony and his immediate environment will be relayed into the Tunnel's recorders... and reproduced instantly on the image area. - You mean we'll be able to see him? - See and hear him. - Would he be able to see us? - No, but he'll know what we're trying to do. He might communicate with us on the assumption that we've found him. [ Oscillating ] - Ray. - I know, Doug. I'm beginning to get some irregular coordination. [ Tones Chiming ] Sounds like bells. [ Chiming ] - Captain. - Good afternoon. Captain, I must speak to you. It's very important. Yes, of course. You're, uh-You're Mr.- My name is Newman, sir, but that doesn't matter. Captain, I must tell you something. Yes, of course, Mr. Newman. What did you want to say? I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm out of my mind. Come, come, my dear fellow. You're dissatisfied with your accommodations... or the food or- or perhaps you've misplaced something and you're afraid it's been stolen. - In any case, I assure you- - Captain, this ship is the Titanic. Is that what you had to tell me? What I mean, sir, is the Titanic sank. It struck an iceberg and was lost. Sank? This is our maiden voyage, sir. That means our first voyage. I trust this is not some poor attempt at a practical joke. No, Captain, it's not a joke. I swear to you. How can I make you understand? Perhaps if you stopped talking nonsense, Mr. Newman. Newman. Newman. I don't recall. Are you in second class or third? I'm not on the passenger list, Captain. I'm Dr. Anthony Newman. My doctorate's in electro-physics. It's a very impressive title, Doctor. Listen, I know I sound insane, but you must believe me- for the sake of thousands of lives. I can't remember the exact hour and day of the disaster, but it's history. Stop this rubbish. We are riding on a calm sea. You talk about sinkings and disasters as though they'd already happened. It has for me, Captain. I was born in 1 938. - If you insist. - Captain. I'm part of a scientific team in the year 1 968. We've been experimenting with time displacement. I've been sent back in time to this ship- to this moment, month and year. Mr. Grainger, this gentleman is a confessed stowaway. Please see that he's confined till we reach New York. Captain, you'll never reach New York. I'm afraid his peculiar ideas might alarm some of the other passengers. I suggest you keep him incommunicado and under guard. Yes, sir. All right. Even if you don't believe me, it wouldn't hurt you to change your course. - Go farther south. - Take him below. Captain! Not reach New York? Change our course? What sort of gibberish was that, sir? Well, I make him some sort of harmless crank, Mr. Grainger. But there are other transatlantic lines... which would not like to see us set a record on our maiden run. I can't believe they'd go to these lengths, but- - Well, I think that'll be all, Mr. Grainger. - Aye, aye, sir. - Oh, Mr. Grainger. - Sir. - Wire for further information on iceberg movements, will you. - We did, this morning, sir. - Well, confirm them. - Aye, aye, sir. [ Electronic Warbling ] [ Flipping Switches ] - Look. - [ Oscillating ] [ Ship's Horn Blows ] Ray, we need some pressure magnification. A ship that size- it couldn't have been too long ago. Anybody recognize it? I do. I'd know those lines anywhere. Gentlemen, that's the Titanic. - A picture of the Titanic. - No, not a picture. It is the Titanic. Then Tony must be on board. When did the Titanic go down? Ann, get the boys on the history computer to give us a complete rundown on the Titanic... with pictures and cross-section diagrams. I want tonnage, speed, equipment- the works. Also, the year, day and minute she went down. But Dr. Newman is alive now, in our time. How could he be affected by something that's happening at the beginning of the century? No. He's living in that time zone now. Anything that happens to us won't affect him there... but if he's on that ship when it goes down... he'll die along with the others. -Just a few minutes, ma'am. - Thank you. - How did you find me? - I just spoke to the captain. Is it true that you're a stowaway? In a sense, yes. And that you're trying to alarm passengers with- with wild stories of the ship's safety? Althea, do you have the time- the exact time? - Is-Is that important to you? - Desperately important. It's exactly six minutes past 1 0:00 in the evening. Oh. What are you doing? There's so much to explain. I don't know where to begin. Well, tell me. Why are you behaving like this? Do you know, it's been a peaceful trip up till now. And then, out of nowhere, you- - Well, I don't understand. - I know you don't. I've just begun to realize how stupid I am to think anybody could possibly understand. Would you let me try? - I'm glad you were concerned enough to ask about me. - Oh. Althea, do you believe in the future? I mean, that there really is a future for you,your children, mankind? Yes, of course I do. And obviously you believe in the past. Everybody does. But what if I were to tell you that the past and the future are the same? - You think I'm raving. - No, no. I don't. I don't blame you. Suppose I told you that time itself doesn't exist. It's only motion we measure- the motion of the Earth spinning... the orbit of the Earth around the sun. - Tony, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no. I'm the one who's sorry. I frightened you. You see, all I wanted to do was for you to let me help you. [ Knocking ] Sorry, ma'am. Captain said just a few minutes was all. Oh. I'm just coming. Thank you. Look, uh, why don't you let me tell the captain that you didn't mean what you said... and that you won't mention it again, hmm? I can't promise that, Althea... not when I know what's going to happen. But you don't know. Nobody knows. You can't. [ Pounding ] [ Panting ] That's it. Hold those coordinates. [ Man ] The captain said to keep you quiet. If that means using chains, Mister, I have them too. Doug.! I don't know if you're picking me up. If you're just getting sound, I'm on the Titanic... locked in a forward cabin just above the waterline. He's a prisoner. It's 9:1 5 a.m., April 1 4, 1 9 1 2. I don't know when it's gonna sink, but- They've got me locked up... because I tried to warn the captain. He's right in the middle of the section that was slashed open by that iceberg. - What about the date? - Let's see- ""The Titanic struck an iceberg late on Sunday evening, April 1 4... and sank during the early hours of Monday, April 1 5." - Then he's got about 1 4 hours. - Fourteen hours. No, he hasn't, Senator. Tony's locked in a room that could be flooded as soon as they hit that berg. No. We're the ones that have 1 4 hours if we're going to try and save him. Well, what can you do? Theoretically, we can suspend Tony in his time zone and remove him from it. But, during that suspension, Tony's body processes- his heart, his breathing, his tissue regeneration- would all stop. Unless we can return him here or to some other time zone within seconds... we'll kill him. - That's what you're thinking, isn't it? - Not exactly. There were over 300 men who survived the Titanic. Tony knows what will happen. Ifhe were free, he could be one of those survivors. Yes, but we can't free him by remote control. - No, but we could go back and help him. - Doug, no. Yesterday, you refused to let Tony do what he went and did anyway, and you were right. What do you expect to do now except die with him? What do you suggest? We just sit here and watch him die? At least my way he'd have a chance. Now, remember, I'll appear there dressed for the period and prepared with the facts. That reminds me. Have Research get me a copy of a New York paper dated April 1 5, 1 91 2. Doug, you and I have worked together long enough for you to know... that I don't give orders just to play soldier. I know that, Woody. But,just this once, it might be the right thing to do. Now, we have a friend that's in danger. You're trying to protect me from that danger. I appreciate that. But ifTony weren't back there, this research would have come to a close. Isn't that true? All right. Tony's risking his life to succeed where I failed. If we don't have the faith in what we're doing here... and the guts to back up that faith- Woody, Dr. Newman took off on his own like a madman. If you let this man go, it's a cold-blooded responsibility... you might have to live with the rest of your life. Would you let me go if our positions were reversed? Probably not. I turned Tony down. But I'm hoping you're tougher than I am. Prepare your briefing procedure. I'll organize a countdown. - Good luck, Doug. - It'll work, Senator. Doug, your master guidance control has been programmed... for an identical overlay with Tony's. If you overshoot me a day or more, I'll get there before Tony. Or a day late, and you wind up... in the freezing waters where the ship sank with Tony on it. Doug, please. Don't go. I have to. Ray, you'll be calling the scientific shots from this end. Don't gamble unless you have to. But if you do have to, go for broke. Don't worry. [ George ] Sixteen, 1 5, 1 4... 1 3, 1 2... 1 1, 1 0, nine... eight, seven, six, five, four... three, two, one, zero. Hey now! Where'd you come from? I'm sorry. I guess I should get back where I belong. Guess you should. Tourist. Oh. It's all right. Come on in. Anything wrong, son? - Oh, excuse me, sir. - It's all right. I'm just washing up. Ah. You didn't happen to see a little French boy... with his pockets bulging with food, did you? - Did you say food? - Yes, sir. His parents are immigrants in the third class. He's been raiding the dining room tables in the first class for leftovers. Not that we blame the little fella, sir. But, if you allow one, they'll all descend on you, if you know what I mean, sir. -Of course. -The little fella seems to have given me the slip. He's a clever little tyke, you know. - Now, who left this about? - That's mine. Thank you. Oh, I see, sir. Carry on. - It's all clear. - Merci, monsieur. Merci bien.! Oh, you're very welcome. What's your name, young man? Marcel. Marcel Corbeau. Well, I'm Dr. Phillips. It's a pleasure to meet you, Marcel. Say, I'm looking for a friend of mine. He's supposed to be locked up somewhere in the third-class area. - Would you know anything about him? - Friend? - An American. - Ah! Oui, oui, monsieur. The Americain. - Good. You think you could take me to him? - Oui. Come with me. - Maybe you and I could figure out some way to get in to see him. - Oui, oui. Here! Don't fool with that! Tony. Hey, Tony. - Doug. - Are you all right? That radiation gimmick of yours was great, Tony. We were able to home right in on you. I could even pick up the sound of your voice right through those bulkheads. And I was able to pick this point in time exactly. You were out of your mind to come here. [ Tony ] Now we're both stuck on the ship. Leroy. Leroy! Something's coming through. [ Doug ] No, we're not. I have this. The guard's coming back. They're together! Ann, regulate the probe for 50% less radiation absorption. It's no good. The captain won't believe it. He thinks I'm some kind of conspirator already. He'll say I had it printed. Why did you come here? Well, I had to. Oh, you would have done the same for me. - But you know this ship is gonna sink tonight. - Maybe not. Doug, they won't listen, I tell you. I have tried. Tony, what if we were to get in to the ship's wireless, take it over? What if we were to wire for help before the collision? - There'd be no Titanic disaster. - Exactly. Well, You're not afraid to try, are you? The first thing we have to do is take care of that guard out there. Well, all right. He thinks you're in here alone. Make some noise. Let me outta this place! You hear me? I said let me out, or I'll break a hole in this tub! What the devil- You're asking for it, all right. [ Typing ] Good afternoon, gentlemen. May I, uh, help you? [ Pounding Continues ] The Dutch liner's picked up our C.Q D. [ Tapping Morse Code ] Get away from there! Stop him! What on earth? So, it's you. I see you have a confederate. - They were using the wireless, sir. - What? This is no longer a prank. You are in serious trouble. I promise you that. I know you didn't believe my friend here, and you won't believe me. But you can believe your own eyes. This ship will strike an iceberg at 1 1:40 tonight and go down. - The story's all here in tomorrow's paper. - Take them below. And this time, see that they stay there. Captain, you've got to believe me! Captain, we're getting calls from many ships... requesting our position and the nature of our distress. Tell them to disregard all distress signals from this ship. - We are in good order and safely under way. - Aye, sir. [ Ship's Horn Blowing ] [ Piano: Ragtime ] Oh, thank you. [ Crash ] - Come with me, Mr. Grainger. - Aye, sir. [ Tunnel Oscillating ] - Would you wait outside for a moment, Mr. Grainger. - Aye, aye sir. We have hit an iceberg, just as the two of you predicted. Now, how could you have known? Captain, the only explanation is the truth. You see, we come from the year 1 968. We've traveled back through time to this moment. What's happening here is history to us. My reasoning cannot accept that. In any case, when we repair damage and reach New York... perhaps a maritime inquiry can fathom your story. Captain, your ship is going down. That is impossible. This ship is unsinkable. This ship is dead, and so is everyone on board... unless you give immediate orders to lower the lifeboats! Captain, we've warned you of the collision. Please believe us about this. What have you got to lose? Order those lifeboats away. [ Loud Crash ] - Mr. Grainger. - Sir. Order the crew to begin ""abandon ship" procedure. - Abandon ship, sir? But- - Do as I say. Aye, aye, sir. Very well, gentlemen. With more than 2,300 souls on board... I cannot afford to ignore even the remotest possibility. Your lifeboats will only hold about 7 50. How did you know that? Well, despite the fact that this ship was built and advertised... as the vessel that could not be sunk... your life-saving equipment is insufficient and inadequate. Are you telling me that only 7 50 will survive? Yes, sir. I see. My mind will not let me believe you. But I do believe in a God, gentlemen. If what you say is true, then only the fact that you were here... will save those who do survive. I would have to consider that a miracle of God's mercy. In a way, sir, perhaps it is. Captain, do you think maybe we could all be of more help on the decks? Yes. Yes, of course. It occurs to me now you may even know whether I will die tonight. Yes, sir, I'm afraid you will. - [ Tunnel Oscillating ] - [ Loud Crash ] [ Men Shouting ] You don't know that you can remove them from their present time zone. You might just kill them yourself. What's our choice, General, to let them die with that ship? Even if you do remove them, you won't have any control after that. They'd disappear in time... to any moment in the billions of years of the past or future. Is that any worse than condemning them to certain death aboard the Titanic? I wonder. Check the lifeboats on the upper deck. I'll see below. Right. [ Shouting, Screaming ] [ Woman ] Help.! Help.! - Mr. Thomas. - Sir. Only women and children are allowed in the lifeboats. - That order is not to be violated. - Aye, aye, sir. - Mr. Martin. - Sir! - Advise the boiler room to evacuate immediately. - Aye, aye, sir. - Mr. Williams. - Sir. - Assign six seamen to assist the passengers in steerage. - Aye, aye, sir. [ Shouting, Screaming ] - [ Loud Crashing ] - [ Shouting, Screaming ] [ Shouting, Screaming ] Hey! Althea. What are you doing? The ship is sinking. - It doesn't matter for me. - [ Loud Crash ] - Althea. - No, Tony. You don't understand. I've no right to take a place on one of those lifeboats. I'm not a rich girl on holiday. I'm just an ordinary schoolteacher. I spent the last penny of my savings for this trip. What difference does that make? The difference is I'm going to die soon anyway. - What are you talking about? - I'm... ill. There-There's a growth inside my head. It's just a matter of months. - Are you sure? - My doctor in London is sure. He said there's a doctor in New York who's working on a new type of brain operation. It's called... neurosurgery, I think. But it's just a matter of months. - There's really no hope. - Of course there is. Neurosurgery is not a fad, and it's not hopeless. Althea, some brain operations have become as commonplace as taking out tonsils. - Become? - Althea, you'll just have to trust me. The chances that you can be helped are probably much better than you think. Are you a doctor too? No, I am not a doctor, and you've no right to play God. I'm not even attempting to play God. You're deciding when it's time for you to live or die. You don't have that right. You are asking me to believe in miracles. I am asking you to believe in life, not death. Althea, please, believe in me. - [ Ship's Horn Blowing ] - [ Shouting, Screaming ] [ Electricity Crackling ] Marcel! Marcel! - Time to take a ride. - All right. [ Horn Continues Blowing ] Women and children only! [ Loud Crash ] - [ Shouting, Screaming Continue ] - Helen! Wait for me! - [ Explosions ] - [ Horn Continues Blowing ] [ Shouting, Screaming ] - Put this on. - What's going to happen to you? - Never mind that now. Hurry. - I won't see you again. - Here, that this. - What is it? It's a 1 968 wristwatch. I want you to have it. Then it's true, all the things you were saying. Come on, Miss. We're going. Tony, there's trouble on ""A" Deck. Follow me. In a way, you've created a monster. To have to stand here helplessly watching people die, it's horrible! There's not much time. [ Passengers Clamoring ] [ Screaming ] Doug! Tony! - Freeze them! - What happened to them? They're alive if the time transfer worked. - Well where? - We don't really know. - Can we establish any limits? - Not with certainty. - [ Kirk ] Hurry.! They're dying.! - Accelerate power. They've been separated in time. Doug? Doug.! Doug.! See who that is. Hold it right there, Mister. [ Gasping For Breath ] I'm one of the men in charge of the station. You must be new here. I'm Dr. Newman. I'm back. I've been here 1 4 months, Mister, and I never heard of any Dr. Newman. Fourteen months? But I've been here every day for the past seven years. Now what's the problem, soldier? Jiggs? It is you, isn't it? I didn't recognize you without the mustache. Jiggs, it's me, Dr. Newman. Newman? I never heard of any Newman around here. And, Mister, I never had a mustache. What are you talking about? You know me-Tony Newman. Mister, I've never seen you before in my life. They brought me back in the wrong time. He looks younger. And look at the license plate on that truck. Magnification. You brought him back 1 0 years ago! We didn't. It just happened- a fluke. But if he's this close- Ray, we've got to close a 1 0-year-gap before we lose him. Well, why not just go out there? You'd see nothing. You're in the present. That's taking place 1 0 years ago. - What's the trouble here, Sergeant? - Doug! - They got you back too! - You better get going, Doc. We got a weird one here. - It's Phillips. - Yeah. Ten years ago. Newman was still in school then. He and Phillips hadn't even met. Good Lord, can you imagine the nightmare Tony must be living through now? - [ Kirk ] Ray, can't you do anything? - Intensify the probe. [ Whirring ] Well, You better see that he gets a ride back into town,Jiggs. After what he's seen? He'll have to answer a few questions for our security officer. Doug. Doug, wait. Tell him who I am. Doug, tell him who I am! Doug, tell him who I am! Doug! Doug. Doug, wait! - Wait! Doug! - On the double! If he doesn't stop, shoot him! Tony's broken loose! He's half out of his mind! - We'll need more time to try a return transfer. - He doesn't have time! He resists and those men may kill him. - Superimpose his signal with Doug's. - We'll lose him. At least the two of them will be together when we try a location probe. Doug! Doug! - [ Warning Shot Fired ] - Doug! Doug! The Tunnel's gone blank. Well, we moved Tony from that time zone of 1 0 years ago. Well, wherever he and Doug are now... at least they're together. But where? We couldn't begin to guess. [ Computers Whirring ] Leroy, SergeantJiggs will escort you to the surface. - A car's waiting for you there. - Thanks, Woody. - Good-bye, Doctor. - Good-bye, Senator, and thank you very much, sir. Of course, my committee will take no action on this... until Phillips and Newman are safely back... or beyond hope. But I, uh - I will have to give some estimate of their chances. We're doing everything we can. We're perfecting our technique and apparatus every day, Senator. I'd have to say, without trying to be funny... that it's just a matter of time. Well, it always helps to keep a sense of humor about things. - Good-bye, Doctor. Good luck, Woody. - Good-bye, sir. - Leroy. - [Jiggs ] This way, sir. Ray. Are you being optimistic, or am I being pessimistic? Well, General, we know they're still alive... and we've started another location probe. [ Scoffs ] Which won't mean beans... unless they can survive... wherever they are. [ Oscillations ] [ Thunderclaps ] - Tony. - Doug! Hey, at least this time you know me. Know you? What do you mean? I've been clawing my way through this jungle for hours. They must've seen the whole thing on Tunnel control and switched us. Yeah. But where? This place is like some gigantic hothouse. Maybe it's - Maybe it's an island. Man, right now I'd settle for the Amazon... as long as it was the 1 968 Amazon. [ Creature Bellowing ] [ Bellowing Continues ] Sluit uw veiligheidsgordel aub. Senator Clark. We gaan landen. Mobiel Tic-Toc 1 voor Tic-Toc Basis. Verzoek toegang. Code: Red Lion. Tic-Toc Basis Voor Mobiel Tic-Toc 1, toegang toegestaan, - Dr. Phillips. - Jiggs. Dit is Senator Clark. Dit is sergant Jiggs. De laadstrook van onze veiligheids troepen. Een plezier u te ontmoeten. Senator. - Geef maar aan mij. aub. - Veiligheid. Senator. Senator. Er zijn meer dan 12,000 personen ondergebracht in elk van deze gebouwen, Elk gebouw telt meer dan 800 verdiepingen. You know. Phillips. every time I check your budget figures... I ask myself the same question- Is time travel really worth all this? Senator. the control of time... is potentially the most valuable treasure that man will ever find. Well. its certainly the most costly. Will you come with me. please? Senator. Hang on. Were going into free fall for 800 floors. Theres much more to see below. Itll be over in a few seconds. Senator. - An old friend of yours. I believe. - Leroy. - Hello. Leroy. - Woody. My. its been a long time. How did they ever get an old dogface like you out of the mud? Huh. Worst paratroop officer I ever commanded. I told him to go into politics. where he couldnt hurt anyone. Come on. That was meant to be a gag. not a dig. Now whats all this investigation nonsense? Well. I think you can guess why Im here. Woody. Of course. Come over here a minute. Did you ever see anything like this before in your life? No. I cant say that I have. Thats what Imm here to talKabout, General. I think Tony ought to be in on this. - Where is he? - In the Tunnel. This way. So thats the monster thatss cost us all this money. hmm? Yes. Senator. Well. Leroy. what do you think? - Pretty expensive toy. - Toy? Hardly a toy. Senator. According to your reports... all youve ever sent back in time are mice and monkeys. - So far. yes. - How do you know they werent just disintegrated? Disintegration would cause some residue in matter. Have you ever returned these animals to this laboratory safe and sound? - Not yet. no. But- - Then so far as we Know... this whole thing might be just a fancy disappearing act. - Isnt that true? - Actually. at this point- Youre guessing, Doctor, and, so far... your guessing has cost the United States government 71/2 billion dollars. This way. Senator. Tommy! Could you come out here a minute? Doug. Its gonna work. I just finished the polarization. and it just feels right. - Take a look. - Senator Leroy Clark. this is Dr. Anthony Newman. - Excuse me. Senator. - Doctor? You seem a little young for that title... not to mention being number two man on this project. His youth is only a disguise. Senator. Inside is an old genius struggling to get out. Im glad you were interested enough in our project to pay us a personal call. Senator. Lets just say I dontt like to scrap billions of dollars by just sending a memo. - Scrap? - Tony. The senator feels our experiments havent shown enough success... to warrant the time and money invested. - But were so close now. - Close to what. son? To sending a man back in time and returning him. of course. Well. then do it. No more promises. boys. I want a fact I can grab hold of. - By when? - When? You and the general have been on this for 10 years. Youve been with the project almost seven, I say the time is now, You mean today? Thats right. because tomorrow afternoon Imm flying back to Washington... to write you a blank check... or cut your umbilical cord. Leroy. We are not ready to risk a life. Doug. Let me try it. Absolutely not. We just give up. Is that it? Weve put our lives into this project. Im not going to commit murder... and Im not going to allow you to commit suicide just to satisfy a budget. Thats no answer. Thatss not even science. Excuse me. He seems a little emotional for a scientist. Anything else you want to show me? - Plenty. - Leroy. we havent even begun. Senator. This is a red alert! Red alert! All Time Tunnel personnel report to their stations on the double! Its Tony. - Cant you stop him? - Not now. Hedd burn alive. - George. start the countdown. - Sixteen, 15... 14, 13... - 12, 11, 10- - Whats happening to him? Hes in a radiation freeze. Its the first step in his relocation. - ... four, three, two... - Pray that it works. one, zero,! All right. Start location probe. Jerry. see if you can synchronize the time curve. Ray. give us a power-and-distance ratio. - Ann. find what specific radiation Tony is. - Ill try. Well. where is he? He could be living in yesterday or next week or a million years from now. - How do you know? - Youve got your guinea pig. Sen- - Doug! - Take a sock at me if itll make you feel any better. But Id still like to know whatss going on. Tony just finished developing that radiation bath. That was the blue mist you saw just before he disappeared, In theory. this should give us a magnetic fix- like a homing device- to enable us to locate him in time. In theory. What if it doesnt work? Then hell be lost in time for the rest of his life. - Are you hurt? - Ive made it. Hmm? You are hurt. Ill call someone. Oh. no. no. Im - Imm fine. Really. But you had a very bad fall. I. uh - I didnt look where I was going. Its a pretty big ship. Its supposed to be the biggest ever built. It doesnt look so big in the middle of all this water. does it? Are you. uh- You are American. arent you? - Huh? - Are you American? Oh - Oh. please. Why dont you sit down? Oh. yes. uh- Yes. I am. - Anthony Newman. - Althea Hall. Do all Americans adopt the vigorous life... just to please your Teddy Roosevelt? - Teddy? - Mr. Roosevelt. Oh. no. I guess I should have put on a jacket. I didnt think it would be so cold. Then youve never spent April in London. I do hope itll be warmer when we reach New York. Is that where- That is. are you making your first trip to New York? As a matter of fact. I am. Does it show? Oh. no. No. of course not. I - I just wondered. Not that Im one of those Europeans who think there are still. uh... cowboys and Indians in New York. But it is the other side of the world. isnt it? - That depends on which side you start from. - Touché. I havent noticed you in the dining room the past three days. Are you a man of mystery. Mr. Newman? Ive. uh. been eating in my cabin- catching up on some work. Well. its bad luck to work on Saturday nights... particularly when its the 13th. - Saturday. April 13. - Are you superstitious? Oh, no, No, Ive... just been working so much... Ive lost all track of time. Well. I think I... better get that jacket. See you again, Miss Hall, Titanic? - Any luck? - No. not yet. Doug. weve collated the automatic settings that Tony used. The energy he employed could not have sent him more than a hundred years... forward or back in time- probably less. - Ann. reduce your limits. - Only a hundred years forward or back, That means you have to pinpoint him across 200 years. 200 years is just a heartbeat... compared to the countless billions of years of time. Yes. I suppose so. Well. what happens if you find him? Tony and his immediate environment will be relayed into the Tunnels recorders... and reproduced instantly on the image area. and reproduced instantly on the image area. - You mean well be able to see him? - See and hear him. - Would he be able to see us? - No. but hell know what werre trying to do. He might communicate with us on the assumption that weve found him. - Ray. - I Know, Doc, Im beginning to get some irregular coordination. Sounds like bells. - Captain. - Good afternoon. Captain. I must speak to you. Its very important. Yes. of course. Youre. uh-Yourre Mr. - My name is Newman. sir. but that doesnt matter. Captain. I must tell you something. Yes. of course. Mr. Newman. What did you want to say? I dont know how to say it without sounding like Imm out of my mind. Come. come. my dear fellow. Youre dissatisfied with your accommodations... or the food or- or perhaps youve misplaced something and yourre afraid itsss been stolen. - In any case. I assure you- - Captain. this ship is the Titanic, Is that what you had to tell me? What I mean. sir. is the Titanic sank. It struck an iceberg and was lost. Sank? This is our maiden voyage. sir. That means our first voyage. I trust this is not some poor attempt at a practical joke. No. Captain. its not a joke. I swear to you. How can I make you understand? Perhaps if you stopped talking nonsense. Mr. Newman. Newman. Newman. I dont recall. Are you in second class or third? Im not on the passenger list. Captain. Im Dr. Anthony Newman. My doctoratess in electro-physics. Its a very impressive title. Doctor. Listen. I know I sound insane. but you must believe me- for the sake of thousands of lives. I cant remember the exact hour and day of the disaster. but itss history. Stop this rubbish. We are riding on a calm sea. You talk about sinkings and disasters as though theyd already happened. It has for me. Captain. I was born in 1938. - If you insist. - Captain. Im part of a scientific team in the year 1968. Weve been experimenting with time displacement. Ive been sent back in time to this ship- to this moment. month and year. Mr. Grainger. this gentleman is a confessed stowaway. Please see that hes confined till we reach New York. Captain. youll never reach New York. Im afraid his peculiar ideas might alarm some of the other passengers. I suggest you keep him incommunicado and under guard. Yes. sir. Even if you dont believe me. it wouldntt hurt you to change your course. - Go farther south. - Take him below. Captain. Not reach New York? Change our course? What sort of gibberish was that. sir? I make him some sort of harmless crank. Mr. Grainger. But there are other transatlantic lines... which would not like to see us set a record on our maiden run. I cant believe theydd go to these lengths. but- - I think thatll be all. Mr. Grainger. - Aye. aye. sir. - Mr. Grainger. - Sir. - Wire for further information on iceberg movements. - We did. this morning. sir. - Well. confirm them. - Aye. aye. sir. Look. Ray. we need some pressure magnification. A ship that size- it couldnt have been too long ago. Anybody recognize it? I do. Id know those lines anywhere. Gentlemen. thats the Titanic, - A picture of the Titanic, - No. not a picture. It is the Titanic, Then Tony must be on board. When did the Titanic go down? Ann. get the boys on the history computer to give us a complete rundown on the Titanic... with pictures and cross-section diagrams. I want tonnage. speed. equipment- the works. Also. the year. day and minute she went down. But Dr, Newman is alive now, in our time, How could he be affected by something thats happening at the beginning of the century? No, Hes living in that time zone now, Anything that happens to us wont affect him there... but if hes on that ship when it goes down... hell die along with the others. - Just a few minutes. maam. - Thank you. - How did you find me? - I just spoke to the captain. Is it true that youre a stowaway? In a sense. yes. And that youre trying to alarm passengers with- with wild stories of the ships safety? Theres so much to explain. I dontt know where to begin. Tell me. Why are you behaving like this? Do you know. its been a peaceful trip up till now. And then. out of nowhere. you- Well. I dont understand. I know you dont. Ive just begun to realize how stupid I am to think anybody could possibly understand. Would you let me try? - Im glad you were concerned enough to ask about me. - Oh. Althea. do you believe in the future? I mean, that there really is a future for you,your children, mankind? Yes. of course I do. And obviously you believe in the past. Everybody does. But what if I were to tell you that the past and the future are the same? - You thinKIm raving, - No. no. I dontt. I dont blame you. Suppose I told you that time itself doesnt exist. Its only motion we measure- the motion of the Earth spinning... the orbit of the Earth around the sun. - Tony. Im sorry. - Oh. no. no. Im the one whoss sorry. I frightened you. You see. all I wanted to do was for you to let me help you. Sorry. maam. Captain said just a few minutes was all. Oh. Im just coming. Thank you. Why dont you let me tell the Captain that you didntt mean what you said... and that you wont mention it again. hmm? I cant promise that. Althea... not when I know whats going to happen. But you dont know. Nobody knows. You cant. Thats it. Hold those coordinates. The captain said to Keep you quiet, If that means using chains. mister. I have them too. Doug,! I dont Know if yourre picking me up, If youre just getting sound. Imm on the Titanic... locked in a forward cabin just above the waterline. Hes a prisoner. Its 9:15 a,m... April 14, 1912, I dont know when itss gonna sink. but- Theyve got me locked up... because I tried to warn the captain. Hes right in the middle of the section that was slashed open by that iceberg. - What about the date? - Lets see- TThe Titanic struck an iceberg late on Sunday evening. April 14... and sank during the early hours of Monday. April 15. - Then hes got about 14 hours. - Fourteen hours. No. he hasnt. Senator. Tonys locked in a room that could be flooded as soon as they hit that berg. Were the ones that have 14 hours if werre going to try to save him. What can you do? Theoretically, we can suspend Tony in his time zone and remove him from it, But. during that suspension. Tonys body processes- his heart, his breathing, his tissue regeneration- would all stop, Unless we can return him here or to some other time zone within seconds... well kill him. - Thats what yourre thinking. isnttt it? - Not exactly. There were over 300 men who survived the Titanic, Tony Knows what will happen, Ifhe were free on board, he could be one of those survivors, Yes. but we cant free him by remote control. - No. but we could go back and help him. - Doug. no. Yesterday. you refused to let Tony do what he went and did anyway. and you were right. What do you expect to do now except die with him? What do you suggest? We just sit here and watch him die? At least my way hed have a chance. Remember. Ill appear there dressed for the period and prepared with the facts. That reminds me. Have Research get me a copy of a New York paper dated April 15. 1912. You and I have worked together long enough for you to know... that I dont give orders just to play soldier. I know that. Woody. But. just this once. it might be the right thing to do. Now. we have a friend thats in danger. Youre trying to protect me from that danger, I appreciate that, But ifTony werent back there. this research would have come to a close. Isnt that true? All right, Tonys risking his life to succeed where I failed. If we dont have the faith in what werre doing here... and the guts to back up that faith- Woody. Dr. Newman took off on his own like a madman. If you let this man go. its a cold-blooded responsibility... you might have to live with the rest of your life. Would you let me go if our positions were reversed? Probably not. I turned Tony down. But Im hoping yourre tougher than I am. Prepare your briefing procedure. Ill organize a countdown. - Good luck. Doug. - Itll work. Senator. Doug. your master guidance control has been programmed... for an identical overlay with Tonys. If you overshoot me a day or more. Ill get there before Tony. Or a day late. and you wind up... in the freezing waters where the ship sank with Tony on it. Doug. please. Dont go. I have to. Ray. youll be calling the scientific shots from this end. Dont gamble unless you have to. But if you do have to. go for broke. Dont worry. Sixteen, 15, 14... 13, 12... 11, 10, nine... eight, seven, six, five, four... three, two, one, zero, Hey now! Whered you come from? Im sorry. I guess I should get back where I belong. Guess you should, Tourist, Oh. Its all right. Come on in. Anything wrong. son? - Oh. excuse me. sir. - Its all right. Imm just washing up. Ah. You didnt happen to see a little French boy... with his pockets bulging with food. did you? - Did you say food? - Yes. sir. His parents are immigrants in the third class. Hes been raiding the dining room tables in the first class for leftovers. Not that we blame the little fella. but. if you allow one. theyll all descend on you. - Of course. - The little fella seems to have given me the slip. Hes a clever little tyke. Now. who left this about? - Thats mine. Thank you. - I see. sir. Carry on. - Its all clear. - Merci, monsieur, Merci bien,! Oh. youre very welcome. Whatss your name. young man? Marcel. Marcel Corbeau. Ah. Well. Im Dr. Phillips. Itss a pleasure to meet you. Marcel. Say. Im looking for a friend of mine. Hes supposed to be locked up somewhere in the third-class area. - Would you know anything about him? - Friend? - An American. - Ah! Oui, oui, monsieur, The Américain, - Good. You think you could take me to him? - Oui, Come with me. - Maybe you and I could figure out some way to get in to see him. - Oui, oui, Here! Dont fool with that! Tony. Hey, Tony, - Doug. - Are you all right? That radiation gimmick of yours was great. Tony. We were able to home right in on you. I could even pick up the sound of your voice right through those bulkheads. I was able to pick this point in time exactly. You were out of your mind to come here. Now were both stucKon the ship, Leroy. Leroy! Somethings coming through. No, were not, I have this, The guards coming back. Theyre together. Ann. regulate the probe for 50% less radiation absorption. Its no good. The captain wont believe it. He thinks Imm some kind of conspirator already. Hell say I had it printed. - Why did you come here? - I had to. You would have done the same for me. - But you know this ship is gonna sink tonight. - Maybe not. Doug. they wont listen. I tell you. I have tried. Tony. what if we were to get in to the ships wireless. take it over? What if we were to wire for help before the collision? - Thered be no Titanic disaster. - Exactly. Youre not afraid to try. are you? The first thing we have to do is take care of that guard out there. All right. He thinks youre in here alone. Make some noise. Let me outta this place! You hear me! I said let me out. or Ill break a hole in this tub! What the devil? Youre asking for it. all right. Good afternoon. gentlemen. May I help you? The Dutch liners picked up our C.Q. D. Get away from there! Stop him! What on earth? So. its you. I see you have a confederate. - They were using the wireless. sir. - What? This is no longer a prank. You are in serious trouble. I promise you that. I know you didnt believe my friend here. and you wontt believe me. But you can believe your own eyes. This ship will strike an iceberg at 11:40 tonight and go down, - The storys all here in tomorrowss paper. - Take them below. This time. see that they stay there. Captain. youve got to believe me! Captain, were getting calls from many ships... requesting our position and the nature of our distress. Tell them to disregard all distress signals from this ship. - We are in good order and safely under way. - Aye, sir, Oh. thank you. - Come with me. Mr. Grainger. - Aye. sir. - Would you wait outside for a moment. Mr. Grainger. - Aye. aye sir. We have hit an iceberg. just as the two of you predicted. - How could you have known? - Captain. the only explanation is the truth. You see, we come from the year 1968, Weve traveled back through time to this moment, Whats happening here is history to us. My reasoning cannot accept that. In any case. when we repair damage and reach New York... perhaps a maritime inquiry can fathom your story. Captain. your ship is going down. That is impossible. This ship is unsinkable. This ship is dead. and so is everyone on board... unless you give immediate orders to lower the lifeboats! Captain, weve warned you of the collision, Please believe us about this, What have you got to lose? Order those lifeboats away. - Mr. Grainger. - Sir. Order the crew to begin abandon ship procedure. - Abandon ship. sir? But- - Do as I say. Aye. aye. sir. Very well. gentlemen. With more than 2.300 souls on board... I cannot afford to ignore even the remotest possibility. Your lifeboats will only hold about 750. How did you know that? Well. despite the fact that this ship was built and advertised... as the vessel that could not be sunk... your life-saving equipment is insufficient and inadequate, Are you telling me that only 750 will survive? Yes. sir. I see. My mind will not let me believe you. But I do believe in a God. gentlemen. If what you say is true. then only the fact that you were here... will save those who do survive. I would have to consider that a miracle of Gods mercy. In a way. sir. perhaps it is. Captain. do you think maybe we could all be of more help on the decks? Yes. Yes. of course. It occurs to me now you may even know whether I will die tonight. Yes. sir. Im afraid you will. You dont know that you can remove them from their present time zone. You might just kill them yourself. Whats our choice. General. to let them die with that ship? Even if you do remove them. you wont have any control after that. Theyd disappear in time... to any moment in the billions of years of the past or future. Is that any worse than condemning them to certain death aboard the Titanic? I wonder. - Check the lifeboats on the upper deck. Ill see below. - Right. Help,! Help,! Mr. Thomas. Only women and children are to be allowed in the lifeboats. - That order is not to be violated. - Aye. aye. sir. - Mr. Martin. - Sir! Advise the boiler room to evacuate all stations immediately. Mr. Williams. Assign six able-bodied seamen to assist the passengers in steerage. Aye. aye. sir. Althea? What are you doing? The ship is sinking. It doesnt matter for me. - Althea. - No. Tony. You dont understand. Ive no right to take a place on one of those lifeboats. Im not a rich girl on holiday. Imm just an ordinary schoolteacher. I spent the last penny of my savings for this trip. What difference does that make? The difference is Im going to die soon anyway. - What are you talking about? - Im... ill. Theres a growth inside my head. Itss just a matter of months. - Are you sure? - My doctor in London is sure. He said theres a doctor in New York whoss working on a new type of brain operation. Its called... neurosurgery. I think. But its just a matter of months. - Theres really no hope. - Of course there is. Neurosurgery is not a fad. and its not hopeless. Althea. some brain operations have become as commonplace as taking out tonsils. - Become? - Althea. youll just have to trust me. The chances that you can be helped are probably much better than you think. Are you a doctor too? No. I am not a doctor. and youve no right to play God. Im not even attempting to play God. Youre deciding when itss time for you to live or die. You donttt have that right. You are asking me to believe in miracles. I am asking you to believe in life, not death, Althea. please. believe in me. Marcel,! Marcel,! Time to take a ride now. Women and children only! - Put this on. - Whats going to happen to you? - Never mind that now. Hurry. - I wont see you again. Come on. miss. if youre going. Tony, theres trouble on A Deck. Follow me. Doug! Tony! - Freeze them! - What happened to them? Theyre alive- if the time transfer worked. - Where? - We dont really know. - Can we establish any limits? - Not with certainty. - Hurry,! Theyre dying,! - Accelerate power. The Tunnels gone blank. Well. wherever he and Doug are now... at least theyre together. But where? We couldnt begin to guess. Leroy. SergeantJiggs will escort you to the surface. - A cars waiting for you there. - Thanks. Woody. - Good-bye. Doctor. - Good-bye. Senator. and thank you very much. sir. Of course. my committee will take no action on this... until Phillips and Newman are safely back... or beyond hope. But I. uh - I will have to give some estimate of their chances. Were doing everything we can. Were perfecting our technique and apparatus every day. Id have to say. without trying to be funny... that its just a matter of time. Well. it always helps to keep a sense of humor about things. - Good-bye. Doctor. Good luck. Woody. - Good-bye. sir. - Leroy. - This way, sir, Ray. Are you being optimistic. or am I being pessimistic? Well. General. we know theyre still alive... and weve started another location probe. Which wont mean beans... unless they can survive... wherever they are. This is Mission Control, We are at launch minus 60 seconds and counting, Launch minus 55, Minus 50, Minus 45, Launch minus 40 and counting, - Minus 35, - Its a rocket. Tony. if this is one of those early Canaveral jobs... we could be blown up right here on the pad, Minus 25, Minus 20 and counting, - Its no use. Itss locked off. - Fifteen, Get down here quick. Off your feet. Ten, nine, eight... seven, six, five... four, three, two... one-ignition, 'Thunderbirds are go! ' Where is it? Where is it? Ah! Beautiful. Just beautiful. There she is. She's arrived. Move in and tie up alongside. - What do you think, Bonson? Why? - I don't know. I just don't know! - Fuel tanks? She was petrol-driven. - Maybe. There's no sign of Blacker. I've got to get down there. He could be trapped and I need those papers. You'll have to work fast, before the police get here. Get on to them. Explain things. You know, enough to keep them happy. I don't want the boat touched. Understand? Right. The tanks are fixed. Good luck, Bonson. - 'Can you hear me, Tetland? ' - Yes, Bonson. Strength 2. - How does it look? - 'Bad. There's a hole in the hull. 'I'm looking in the cabin. 'I've found Blacker. He's dead.' Poor chap. No-one could have survived that explosion. There's more to it, Tetland. Blacker was shot five times. There are some unusual cartridge cases. There can't be more than a dozen guns of this calibre around. - Maybe it'll give us a lead. - 'That's not our problem.' We must find those papers. Then our job's finished. Tetland, we're too late. The papers have gone. That explosion was no accident. Hurry along with that test, Brains. Alan will be out for his swim soon. Ah... yeah. His presence in the water would... ah... upset the sonic beam. (Splash) Sorry. I didn't know you were working. Ah... just conducting a little experiment. Poor Brains! Hold it. It's John calling from the space station. Yes, John. I've had a call from a guy named Bonson. It's kind of unusual. 'Let's have the details.' He's with the British Secret Service. 'The Secret Service have their own methods. Why do they need us? ' That's the point. He says if we don't help, the whole world could be destroyed. 'That's quite a statement.' 'Give me the details and tell him we'll send an agent to contact him.' 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are approaching Nice airport. 'I hope you've had a pleasant flight and that we'll travel together again. 'Please extinguish your cigarettes and fasten your seat-belts.' Thank you for meeting me at the airport, Parker. - Is the yacht ready? - Yus, m'lady. I anchored it off the Spanish coast. She won't be seen until you give the word. Excellent. (Lady Penelope) 'I must make a tele-call.' (Whirring bleep) - Hello. - (Foreign accent)'Listen carefully.' Who is this? 'I am an International Rescue agent. 'You must do this. At midnight you will drive to the Forest of Dean. 'There's a clearing 3km within the perimeter. Wait there.' How will I know you? You never will, Mr Bonson. Now please repeat your instructions. 'Wait. I need more to go on. 'How do I know I can trust you? ' You don't, Mr Bonson. It was Y0U who asked US for help, remember? - If you prefer, we'll forget it. - 'No. Wait.' Sorry. I have to be careful in my job. 'So do I.' So do I. Now please repeat the instructions I gave you. OK. I'm to drive to the Dean Forest at midnight and wait in a clearing. (0wl hoots) (Starts engine) Dear me, you are impatient, Mr Bonson. Switch off the engine. (He switches engine off) Move a muscle and I'll blow off your head. Do not turn around. Remain as you are. Tell me why you need International Rescue. I'd better start at the beginning. A British agent collected plans for a nuclear device from a scientist living in... I can't say where. If the plans were in the wrong hands, the whole world could be in danger. - And that's what's happened? - Yes. I was to rendezvous with my colleague on his yacht. It was destroyed before I got there. - And no trace of the plans? - No. My colleague was murdered before the explosion. I see. How was your friend killed? He was shot five times by a Henretta 45 Supermatic. Not a very common weapon. - Go on. - Well, that's it. We've got to get those plans back. You realise it is not International Rescue's policy to involve itself in politics or police work? I know. But you have advanced equipment. - The lives of millions depend... - Careful, Mr Bonson. Keep your head. Don't move again. I'm sorry. But you MUST help. Those plans must be recovered. - You are our only hope. - I'm leaving now. Do nothing. Say nothing. I shall contact you. Now, remain as you are for ten minutes, then return to your hotel. (Parker) The lady said don't' move! Where to, m'lady? To the yacht, Parker. By the way, that was excellent shooting. - Tea, m'lady. - Thank you, Parker. When we drop anchor I want you to go ashore and contact the local newspaper offices. M'lady? Tell them that fashion model, Gail Williams, has arrived on her yacht and that she's going to expose the murderers and saboteurs who destroyed that vessel yesterday. May I ask who Gail Williams is, m'lady? How silly of me. Didn't I say? I am Gail Williams. One lump of sugar today, Parker. So, she's going to track us down. Well, we'll see about that! (Starts engine) This hanging around's getting me down. This place has been bottled up since we blew that yacht. I know. How do we get past these patrol boats combing the area? Karl will figure a way. Ah, here he is now. - What's new, Karl? - That is. What does it say? You know we don't understand the lingo. Some dame is trying to track us down. - Who is she? - A fashion model. Is that all? She just ain't in our league! Not so fast. That report says how many shots were fired, and what kind of gun. Karl, this is serious! So is what we're going to do to Miss Clever Gail Williams tonight. She's going to die. Er... you rang, m'lady? Yes, Parker. I'm expecting a visitor. - You may have the evening off. - But, m'lady... After that story, is that wise? I said you were excused, Parker. You'll go ashore and enjoy yourself. Understand? Well... Monte Carlo ain't far from here. A night out could be very profitable. That's settled then. - Well, enjoy yourself, Parker. - Yus, m'lady. (Bleeps) Go ahead, Penny. Good evening, Jeff. Everything is arranged. If the bait's been taken, we'll have the plans by midnight. You won't do anything dangerous, will you? Stop worrying, Jeff. Just be ready for my call. OK. We'll be waiting. Be careful, Penny. Dear Jeff. I'll be perfectly all right. (Hums tunelessly) # The man who did the bank at Monte Carlo # I'll be off then, m'lady. Very well, Parker. Oh, just one moment. What's in that case? Eh? Who? Case? Oh... er... you mean this one, m'lady? Yes. That one. Er... well... I thought I'd take it, you know... Just in case I won... at the Casino. You know... Somewhere to put all that money. 0h! Now, I wonder how they got in there? ! Parker! Yus, m'lady. (Chuckles) 0h, she's a one, she is! How she expects me to keep my hand in, I don't know. I suppose I'll have to go to the Casino after all. Mmm. I think everything's ready for my guest. I hope Parker cleared his stuff away. (Hum of engine) I think I hear a boat. The fish has taken the bait sooner than I expected. Good evening. Do come in. So nice to have visitors. Huh? Oh! Yeah! Now get this, lady. This gun is loaded and I don't mind using it, see? Come on, you. 'You're going for a little boat-ride.' 0h, how nice! I'll be with you in a moment. 0h, dear. I hope you're not superstitious. That's seven years' bad luck. Move! And cut the chatter! Good. I'm ready now. Will you take my arm? Hold your tongue! Just move. And fast! Down the gangway to the boat. Hurry! What are these quaint little buildings along the coast? - Mmm? They're boathouses. - My, this is a deserted area. 0ne just wouldn't know where one was, would one? It don't matter to you. OK. The pleasure cruise is over. Soon this little box of tricks is going to blow you sky-high! How interesting! How does it work? Oh, it's real clever. We detonate it from our sub, so when you die, we're in the clear. Fascinating! I suppose the waiting is a kind of morbid pleasure for you. Not at all. The delay is all part of the plan. 0ur sub is stuck at the bottom of the sea, because if we move, the patrol boats will pick us up on their radar. In 90 minutes' time, a patrol boat crosses this bay. At the right moment we detonate the bomb. The patrol boat comes inshore to investigate the explosion. You die, and we will escape. I see. Oh! - Are you going to tie me up? - You bet! I don't mind, really, but may I fix my face before I die? It's in SUCH a mess. Ha! You dames slay me! Always thinking about your mugs! OK, go ahead. I got time. (Bleeps) (Mr Tracy) 'It's Lady Penelope.' On emergency code! Scott, switch the signal to my desk. OK, Dad. She's through to you. Held captive... Boathouse... Submarine... Must stop it. The bay next to yacht. Bomb! That'll do! You've prettied yourself up enough! Would you mind not tying the knots too tightly? I'm very delicate. Shut up, or I'll gag you, too! (Scott) What the heck could have happened, Father? I don't know, Scott. It looks like a control panel. It could be the controls of a boat. Penny said she was in a boathouse. She said something about a bomb. The visuals are still working, so presumably the sound's still on. I'll turn the level up. (Mr Tracy) Not a word. - I don't like it, boys. - Why don't we try to contact HER? The wrong person might get the message, then she'd be in mortal danger. Let's use the code signal. It's meaningless to anyone else. (Mr Tracy) Right. If anybody else is in there they wouldn't notice anything. Let's use contact code 5. (Faint tapping - like Morse code) Hey, what's that noise? - Noise? I can't hear anything. - A tapping noise. Listen. (Scrapes chair) Hold it, Father. I heard something. It's stopped. It must have been rats. These places do have them. I mean, you must have some friends. - Are you trying to be funny? - No, not at all. 'I was trying to explain the noise. 'Do you think those rats will leave the boat before the bomb goes off? ' So now we know. Penelope's trapped in a boat that's going to blow up. What a situation! It's not too late. We know that one of the murderers is still aboard. He'll need time to get clear. Scott, off you go. You know where. Yes, Father. They've got a submarine standing by somewhere. We need Thunderbird 4. Get moving. Lady Penelope's in real trouble. You'll have to move faster than ever before. (Virgil) We understand. OK, sister. - This is it. - You're not leaving? I was just beginning to enjoy your company. So long, lady. You've got about an hour left. - All set, Gordon? - FAB. Let's go. Would you like coffee while you're waiting? Thank you, Tin Tin. Waiting's the worst part of the operation. I saw Virgil and Gordon fly off. I wish we knew more clearly what they'll find when they get there. International Rescue from Penelope. Jeff, are you receiving me? (Muffled voice) That's funny. I could swear I heard something. From the monitor, yes. Penny! The boys are on their way to you. 'Come in, Penny. Can you get any closer to the transmitter? ' Jeff, there's a submarine in the bay. (Muffled voice) Penny, can you get any closer? I can't hear you. All right, then, Jeff. Here goes. - Mr Tracy, what was that? - I don't know. Maybe Penelope's trying to tell us something. Whatever she's doing, I hope the transmitter can stand the treatment. It should do. The transistors a-are very small in Lady Penelope's compact. That accounts for the bad reception, but they are e-extremely robust. I wish I knew what she was trying to tell us. Everything's fixed. Boy, could that dame talk. And was she a cool one! All we've got to do now is wait for the patrol boat to cross the bay. That gives us 40 minutes. 40 minutes, and then the boathouse, the boat and that dame go sky-high! - Base from Thunderbird 1. - 'Loud and clear, Scott.' - Any more information? - 'Not a thing.' Penelope's trying to contact us but she can't get near enough to the transmitter. (Faint voice) Hold it, Scott. Come in, Penny. You're still very far off. You've got to trace the submarine. The bomb is controlled from there. It's no use, Penny. I can't make you out. 'You'll have to get closer.' 0h, dear. This is most strenuous. Here goes. Come on, Penny. Come on. Father, I'll be at the danger zone in 15 minutes. 'Keep Thunderbird at maximum speed.' FAB. Well, it's now or never. Why, Penelope! - Are you all right? - At last! Those killers are hiding out in their sub. They must be stopped. - Where are they? - 'I'm not sure.' This bomb goes off as soon as the patrol boat comes into the bay at 10pm. Then they escape with Bonson's plan. I'll tell Scott to prepare his sonar equipment. Base from Thunderbird 1. Approaching danger zone. Time 9:40. (Mr Tracy) 'Proceed with sonar sounding.' Base from Thunderbird 1. Sonar soundings operating. Reading negative. (Mr Tracy) 'Widen the area of search. You've got to locate that sub.' FAB. I'll cover the area in a widening circle. I hope we have enough time. 'Thunderbird 2 from Thunderbird 1, what is your ETA? ' Thunderbird 1 from Thunderbird 2, 20 minutes from now. 'FAB. Try and make it sooner.' 'Penelope from International Rescue. Scott's trying to find the sub now.' Good. 'Virgil and Gordon are minutes away. 'Don't worry, Penny, we'll get you out of there.' (Bleeping) Ten minutes, then that patrol boat comes across the bay. Then up goes the boathouse, Gail Williams and all. Suppose the patrol boat doesn't investigate? It'll pick up the sound of our motors. Stop worrying. The cops will go. That bomb is powerful enough to interest anyone. - I guess you're right. - 0f course I am. Aren't I always? (Steady, continuous bleep) Calling Base. I've got her! (Mr Tracy) 'Great work. Contact Virgil. You have seven minutes.' Thunderbird 2 from Thunderbird 1. Submarine located. Approaching danger zone. About to launch Thunderbird 4. 'Great.' - Take up your position, Gordon. - Sure thing. 'Thunderbird 2 from Thunderbird 1.' Submarine located at area 243, reference 19, chart 9. - That's the best I can do. - 'FAB.' 0ur scan will find it. How long have we got? 'Five minutes.' Operating sound scan, Scott. (Rapid Bleeping) Got her! Range 400 yards. Scott, I've ascertained the danger zone. Proceeding at full speed. 'FAB, Gordon.' That sub must be paralysed before the patrol boat gets here. You have four minutes. Three minutes before the patrol boat comes along. Firing paralyser now! Hey! What was that? What's going on? I've started drilling, Scott. 30 seconds. (Scott) '25 seconds.' What? ! I'm through! Now the tranquilliser. (Hiss of gas) Uh... quickly... oxygen masks... I... I... I... must... get... ...to the detonator. The bomb... must... fire... the... bomb... Gordon's knocked those guys out. The patrol boat's in the bay and nothing's happened. 'Thank heaven.' 'I hope Penny's 0K.' I'll tell you in a minute or two, Father. You knew those murderers would try to kill you. You sure took a chance. It's what makes life interesting - the uncertainty. I just hope Gordon can find the plans. Hey! Yeah, I reckon this is what we came to rescue. Uh-huh. It looks intact. I guess Penelope can put Mr Bonson's mind at rest. 'Leave your car and go to the large tree at the edge of the clearing.' Keep looking straight ahead. Now return to your car and be very careful. You know what will happen if you move, Mr Bonson. Yes, I think so. On behalf of my chiefs, I'd like to thank you. On behalf of International Rescue, I accept thanks. One last warning. If you attempt to trace me or my organisation, you will find severe opposition. I will not say further than that. - '0me, m'lady? - Home, Parker. By the way, how did you fare at the Casino? - 0h, I... er... lost, m'lady. - 0h, dear. How much? Well... er... it's a bit difficult. Now come on, Parker, you can tell me. Well, it wasn't so much "how much" as "what" I lost. You're being very mysterious. What did you lose? Well, I got a bit carried away, I thought I had a system... Parker! WHAT did you lose? Er... Well... Your yacht, m'lady. ♪ Batman ♪♪ AbeautifulWednesday afternooninGothamcity. Matineedayat thistheatre. Ina moment,theplaygoers willbecomingout fora refreshingorangedrink. Butwatchclosely. Theremaybe adrama that'snoton theprogram. So, what's superior to this sort of thing, one usually sees? Oh, yes, infinitely. And the leading man, my dear, Mrs. Van Climber. His tremendous power. Absolutely inspired, my dear Penguin. It's a penetrating documentary in our time. It's a mirror of a cliched minds of our sadly weakened moral fiber. Wouldn't you say so? Oh! Hands up everybody and you won't get hurt. I ain't kidding. Do as he says, Penguin. He's a desperate man. Ah. You. 'Unhook that ruby pendant.' Throw it here. - Outrageous monster. - Shh. He'll hear you. Back away everybody! Back away! You, knave thief, surrender! Wise guy, huh? Take this. Jumpin' jeepers! A bulletproof umbrella! Ah! Ms. Starr. - Uh. - May I? Thank you. Yeah. Oh! How can I ever, everthankyou? Yeah. Oh! What? The Penguin prevented a crime? That waddling pompous master of foul play? It's true, commissioner. And who do you think, the necklace belongs to? Ms. Sophia Starr. Sophia Starr? - Operating today? Why didn't tell me? I'm your only aunt. I worry about you always. I'm your family. Stop crying, auntie. I'm not dying. You're right, you get well after operation. All well. Boobs are... only important when you're young. Later, they're useless. When you get well, I'll find you a man. Who accept one boob. Will there be any? Yes, there will. Tunnels in Denmark? Tommy, you've grown. When will you die? How unpleasant! Who'll come to your funeral? Hello. Anesthesia preparation. Hello doctor, I'm her aunt. Please help her doctor. - Lie down. - Sleep well? Probably not. Taking blood pressure. Consent taken? Yes, confirmed. Who are you? We're her classmates. We came to visit. - Kojima. - Yes. I can only tell you, good luck. Wish I had more vocabulary. Now, be strong. I'm here. I'm not much use. Yes, you are. We didn't age for nothing. He's right. You worry about nothing. - Thank you. - It's me. - Hello. - It's Cho. Hello. - You okay? - Hey, your... Your wife, did she get well? Good. That was worrying me. Really. Kojima, snow. Life passes in a blink, we're just like a momentary star. Without blinking, even reluctant to breathe, we want each other. When are you disappearing? When are you leaving me behind? Where are you going without me? Even if your reflecting mirror, doesn't have a song to praise you. I will praise you, about you unknown to you. That humble life... may be criticized by some. That humble life... may be judged useless by some. But I will praise you, about you unknown to you. People are beasts without fangs, poison or thorn. Just given tears, to be pained. A naked beast. I will praise you, about you unknown to you. Life passes in a blink, we're just like a momentary star. Without blinking, even reluctant to breathe, we want each other. [Music playing] [Phone ringing] Shit. [Phone ringing] Hello? Wade? Yeah, hold on. Wade, you got a phone call. WADE: OK, I'll be out in a minute. Who is it? Didn't ask. Hello? Oh, hi! Hey. Hey, man, where have you been? Anne's gonna be here any minute. Yeah, I'm sorry. I was talking to preacher man, Bob. And I just kinda lost track of time. So did you get it? Yeah, yeah, here it is. Wow. Anne is gonna be knocked out when she sees this. Yeah, the best one my uncle had in the store In your price range. Great. Here's what I owe you. Oh, thanks So you think she'll say yes? I have a feeling she will. Yeah, you know what preacher man, Bob, says. Never sign the way of love or the work of God. Here she comes. You better go. Oh, yeah. Hi, Annie. Hey, Ken. Hi, Brian. I got that movie you wanted. Cool. [Music playing] (ON TV): Wanna eat dinner, Jason? I'm real hungry. I'm real hungry. You're hungry? I'm starved. Oh god, I'm starved. I could eat anything right now. Well here. Try a piece of this candy. (SINGING) Gonna have a good time! You know it! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, guess what? My sister's coming to town next Saturday. That's only a week away. She'll be staying with my mom. Uh huh. Wade, remember how earlier we were talking, And how Annie was coming over this evening, And we're going to spend some time alone together? Oh, hey man, that's cool. I'll be in my room playing Atari. You won't even know I'm here. I swear. Good. (ON TV): You hungry? I just got a little [inaudible]. (SINGING) Na, na, na! How about some wine? OK. (SINGING) Gonna have a good time! Hey, hey, hey! (ON TV): [inaudible]. Well that's OK. [Inaudible] Annie. Yes, Brian? I love you. I love you too, Brian. (SINGING) It's called survival! Oh, hey. Sorry to bother you guys. I just remembered I have to do some laundry. I don't have anything to wear. I mean nothing. I have been wearing this same shirt for three days. Hey, I love this movie. This movie is great. It doesn't have any violence in it or anything. Well it does have some violence in it. But it's crucial to the plot. It's just a good movie, you know. Wade? It's OK. I won't bother you anymore. I promise. [Singing] Only the strong will survive, sweet mama! I am so sorry. He promised he would leave us alone. I don't think he'll bother us anymore. Do you? I really can't stand the way he never pulls his pants up. I swear to god, I get physically ill looking at that. He won't bother us. (ON TV): [inaudible]. (SINGING) It's called survival! Only the strong will survive, sweet mama! You know what I'm talking about! It's called survival! Sorry, I dropped some underwear. [Singing] Na, na, na. Gonna have a good time. Hey, hey, hey. I should be in the mood again in a few seconds. I think I will be, too. I think. (ON TV): OK. So the master plan would be [inaudible]. OK. OK, I'll do it. Well go do it. I'll be watching. OK, Ill go do it. I'll do it. [Inaudible] (SINGING) Come on in. Baby, take your clothes off. Come on in, baby. Hey, uh, Brian? What, Wade? You want me to throw any of your laundry in with mine? No need for us to do any more loads then we have to. Gotta protect the ozone layer and all that. No, Wade. I can do my own laundry. Are you sure? It's no problem. No, I'm sure, Wade. What about you, Annie? All righty. Oh, my back. I need to get a new chair to play Atari in. (SINGING) Na, na, na. Gonna have a good time. Uh, Brian, I'm really not in the mood right now. Oh, Annie, please. I had this special evening all planed for us. Well you should have planned for your roommate Not to be here. I tried to get him out. But he never goes anywhere. He doesn't have many friends. I know. I know. It's just that I'm really not feeling so good right now. I think I'm going to be sick to my stomach. I think I should go home. I might throw up. No, Annie, please, no. You want to go out? We can go out and eat at a nice place. I wanna spend this evening with you. There's something I wanna ask you. I don't know. I think it was the sight of his buttcrack That many times in one evening. I'm feeling really sick. Annie, please. I really have something I wanted to ask you. I'll call you tomorrow. Can you ask me then? I love you, Brian. I love you, too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too. (ON TV): You feeling OK? Totally fine. Never better. Have fun. Enjoy. [Inaudible] (SINGING) Only the strong will survive, sweet mama! Hey Annie, are you sure you don't want me To wash your underwear for ya? Hey, where did Annie go? She had to go home, Wade. Oh. (ON TV): Get out of my room! What are you doing? What have you done! OK, master Jason. I love this part. Watch this. (ON TV): And people eat these [inaudible] bacteria in it. So the master plan will be perceived. [Inaudible] [Laughing] (SINGING) This is it, this is it. This is life the one I got. So just... just eh. Morning, Brian. Boy, do I feel great. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, Like a beautiful, bright, sunny Sunday morning. I'm going to go take a shower and enjoy this awesome day. Really? You have plans for today? No, not really. Probably just play Atari all day. Maybe open up the window. Enjoy the fresh air. Ah. What a great day! Yeah. (SINGING) This is it. This is it. Ba ba loo! Ba ba loo! If you have it! [Music playing] [Phone ringing] Hello? Brian. Hey, Ken, what's up? Hey, how'd things go last night? She say yes? Y'all set a date yet? No, things did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. What? She turned you down? Nah, it's not that. I never got the chance to ask her. Things were going great. And then guess who happened to ruin it? Buttcrack. Yeah, Wade. I swear, I am really starting to hate him. I am counting the days till the semester is over. And then, he is out of here. I'm gonna get myself a decent roommate. Hell, Annie can move in. So what did he do? Wouldn't he shut up? Shit. Him and his damn butt. Let me ask you something. Is it so hard for a guy to keep his pants pulled up? I mean, the least he could do is wear a belt. Yeah, well, it could be he doesn't Realize he has a problem. You know, preacher man, Bob, always Says he with the problem is usually The last to know about it. Yeah, I suppose I could talk to him. Tell him he has to do something about that. Oh, yeah. That wouldn't hurt. I would like to have Annie come over once in a while Without being grossed out. I mean, what's the point in having A house if you can't have your lady over once in awhile. I suppose I could visit her at the dorm room. But how much privacy can we get there? Yeah, tell me about it. So you gonna pop the question tonight? If I can get her over here I will. I want everything to be just right. Nice wine. Nice dinner. Everything, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know if she'd take another night of buttcrack In my way, though. Listen, don't worry about that. Invite Annie over. And I promise, I'll get Wade out of there. I'll take him to a movie or something. Really? Cool. Tell buttcrack I'll be over there about 6 o'clock To pick him up. Cool. All right. See ya. Bye. Bye. Boy, do I feel all fresh and clean. Hey, Wade. I was just talking to Ken on the phone. He said tonight he's going to take you to a movie. Ken? What movie? And why? I don't know. Any movie you want, I guess. I don't know. Sounds, kind of, weird to me. Look, he ain't gay or nothing. He just wants to go to movie. You know, male bonding and stuff. Just go. Well, OK. But I get to choose the movie. Yeah, sure. Whatever. (SINGING)There's a rock n roll demon. And he's coming for your soul. I'm a rock n roll demon and I'm coming for your soul. God. (SINGING) Coming for your soul. I'm a rock n roll demon. Hey, Brian. I just thought of something. What? My sister's coming into town next week. Do you want anything from her? I'm sure I don't, Wade. Are you sure? You know she did me up real good. I really don't need to know these things, Wade. No, I'm talking about voodoo, witchcraft, that kind of thing. She studies it. You see and she cast this spell on me. And now I get really good grades in school the time And never have to crack a book. And it's great because it leaves more time for Atari that way. Could she put a spell on you to make your pants stay up? That's all I really need. No, seriously. She could cast a spell on Annie that would Make her fall in love with you. And then, she wouldn't be running out on you All the time. Come on, you'd like that. Wouldn't you? I really don't think I need anything like that. Well it don't cost nothing. She cast the same spell on our cousin, Vernon. And now he's married to this girl with really big tits. I mean, they're freaking huge! And all it takes are some tears from a pregnant with pink eye And some vanilla extract. But you can get that anywhere. Wade, no! OK. All right. But if you change your mind, just let me know. I'm going to go play more Atari. OK. (SINGING) Na, na, na, gonna have a good time! Jesus, Atari. Get with the times. What? Nothing. [Atari sounds] [Phone ringing] Hello? Wade? Yeah, hold on. Wade, it's for you. Who is it? I don't know. Probably your sister. OK. Hello? Oh, hey, sis. Oh no, everything's great. Yeah, that was Brian. Oh no, we're great friends. We're just like brothers. Yeah, I asked him. No, he said he didn't want it. Well yeah, I can ask him again. Yeah, hold on. Hey, hey, Brian. No. Uh, no. He say's he's OK. Yeah, so you're still coming up on Saturday? Oh, you're driving. Oh, OK. Well hey, I guess I'll see you then. OK, bye. She says she's driving. How long do you think something like that would take? Where's she coming from? Louisiana. Louisiana to Virginia? That'll take a while. She says she'll be here on Saturday. I'll probably go spend the weekend at my mom's next week. Hey Wade, you go ahead and do that. It won't be the same around here without you. But you do what you gotta so. I think you and my sister should meet. I think you'd really like each other. I really do. It's almost 6 o'clock. Ken will be here soon. You ready to go? I'm ready. I know exactly what movie I want to see, too. I still get to pick the movie, don't I? I mean, Ken wont give me a hard time About it will he because Hackman Four just came out on Friday. And I really want to see it. And I was reading about it. And in the first three, he killed guys with a shovel. In this one he kills guys with a rake. And I really want to see it. I'm sure he won't mind. [Knocking] That's him. Come in! Hey. Hey. Hey, Ken, are you ready? I want to go see Hackman Four. Is that OK? It just came out on Friday. Yeah, I been waiting a long time to see that one. Yeah, me too. And you know, in this one, he kills Guys with a rake, not a shovel. Oh, really. Boy are the really developing his character, aren't they? Yeah, come on. Let's go. I don't want to miss the previews. All right. [Music playing] He's gone. Now if Annie would just hurry. Are we alone? I promise you the evening is all ours. Good. Sorry about last night. I didn't mean to run out on you. It's just that I was feeling really sick. Last night was last night. Tonight is tonight. Would you care for some wine? Sure. So what was this question you wanted to ask me last night? All in due time, Annie. All in due time. Cheers. (SINGING) In a shanny shack down by the railroad track. That's where I met you baby. You looked so sweet. Wade, you want to go get a drink Or something after the movie? Yeah, sure. Hey, you moving back to Louisiana There with your sister? I don't know. It all depends on whether Brian's willing to extend My lease or not. I really like it here. Well you know, man. That's the thing. Brian is, kind of, wanting Annie to move in. That's OK, too. I can always find a new place to live. Hey, I got to ask you question, you know, just as a friend. I hope you're not offended or anything. Man, you're not coming on to me or anything, are ya? This isn't going to turn weird, is it? Oh man, I always knew you were gay. What? Gay? I'm not gay. Jeez, I just wanted to know something. Are you sure you're not gay? I mean, the way you talk and all. What's wrong with the way I talk? I just wanted to know, you know, why don't you wear a belt. Well what do you mean? You know, your pants. They never stay up. Your butt's always sticking out. What do you mean? You look at my butt? You are gay, aren't you? What? No! Yeah you are. That's why you're always looking at my butt! Man, you shouldn't be looking at my butt. You should be looking at girls butts. You're a sicko! Maybe if you keep your damn pants up I wouldn't be seeing your butt all the time. You know, you have a problem, Wade. And as a friend, I just thought you should know about it. Man, just stop the car. I'll walk home. You're a pervo! Forget I said anything. Let's just go see the movie. No, man. Stop the car. Find yourself another boy toy, man. I'm going home. Wade. Wade. Look, I just can't give you things that you want. Goodbye! Wade! Shit. Sorry, Brian. You know, I think I know what this Question you want to ask me is. So you may as well go ahead and ask. I already know what the answers going to be. I'll ask soon. After dinner. After we dance. Dancing huh? Mm hm. What kind of dancing? We'll be standing up. It'll be the kind I like. Well we'll start in the vertical position But we don't have to stay that way. Mm, I get goosebumps just thinking about it. To your bumps. (SINGING) Honky tonk loving. Let my love burn you up. Let my love burn you up. Gonna set you on fire. Burn you up with desire. Hey, boy! Pull your pants up you dumb son of a bitch! Wow, Brian. You're a great cook. That was really fantastic. This can wait. I love you, Brian. I love you too, Annie. (SINGING) Let my love warm you up. Let my love warm you up. Gonna set you on fire. Burning up with desire. Le my love warm you up. Let my love warm you up. Will you marry me? Oh, Brian. Yes! (SINGING) Burning up with desire. Gonna set you on fire. Hey, I love this song! Can I dance with you guys? Churn the milk and make it butter! Wade, what are doing? You're supposed to be at the movies. Churn the milk and make it butter. Churn the milk and make it butter. Damn it, Wade! Can't I have any moment without you? Churn the milk and make it butter. Annie, are you OK? Churn the milk and make it butter. Churn the milk and make it butter. Hey, what are you doing? I'm dancing here. I'm in the groove. And when the music calls, you got to answer. Ewe, that's vomit! Your girlfriend's gross. Don't worry about it, Annie, OK? What'd you do that for? I was in the groove. The music just took me away. Fuck you, Wade! Annie and I were having a great evening. You're supposed to be out with, Ken! That's another thing. I don't appreciate being pimped out to your pervo friends! That guys a flamer, I tell ya! And I'm just not that way! What? Ken? He is not! Yeah, right. That's why he went on and on all night about my butt! I'm just not comfortable with guys looking at me like that! I'd rather have girls like Annie looking at my butt. Uh! What'd you cook. Jesus, Wade. Oh, I really have to go. I'm sorry, Annie. I planned for this evening to be so special. It's not your fault! Boy, she really vomited good. Must have gotten sick from Brian's cooking. He's a nice guy but not much of a cook. Uh, and all over my nice pants. I need to take a bath. Yeah, a bath. (SINGING) I got a love handle! Got a love handle! Chicka boom, boom, boom. Chicka boom, boom, boom. Got a handle... on my love. Let me wear you like a glove, oh yeah. Got a love handle. Somebody help me. (SINGING)Got a love handle. Chicka boom, boom, boom. Hey, Brian, I took one of your t-shirts cause mine Had puke all over it. Are you happy, Wade? Do you like screwing up my life? I never screwed up your life. You screwed up your life. I ain't do nothing! No. I'm not going to say anything. The semesters almost over. And I can have my life back. Have your life back? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to go take a bath. (SINGING) Put your beer goggles on and make love to me. Through those hazy shades, I'm not so bad a fella. My belly ain't so big. My teeth ain't so yellow. I can't believe he actually shut up. [Music playing] Damn it! I can't take it anymore! [Music playing] God damn it! Would you shut the hell up! Ah! You pervo! What are you doing in here! Go get your jollies somewhere else! I don't like guys watching me in the tub! Hell, I might let a girl watch me in the tub, but not a guy. [Knocking] Huh. Man, sorry about that. Hope Wade didn't mess anything up for you. I did everything I could to stop him. And he just jumped out of the car. And tried turning the car around. It just died. What's wrong? What did Wade do? What's that smell? I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear. The radio just fell out of my hand. Something happen? Bathroom. So, like, what happened? It slipped out of my hand. The radio. I was trying to get it to shut off. And it slipped out of my hand. That's OK You didn't do it on purpose. Hi, Mrs. Jenkins? Ken here. Yeah, Wade's friend. Afraid I kind of have some bad news. I really don't quite know how to put this. Evidently, Wade was taking a bath. Yeah, yeah, he's taking a bath and listening to the radio. What? No, I don't know what station he's listening to. Anyway, the radio kind of fell in the tub. My boy, oh God, oh God, my baby boy! Yeah, I'm terribly sorry. Yeah. No, that won't be a problem. Yeah, I fully understand. Yeah, the coroners are taking him away right now. All right. OK. Bye-bye. So I was here in the kitchen. I was cleaning up some vomit for my fiance who Has been ill a little earlier. And suddenly, I didn't hear the radio anymore. And I heard a splash and the sound of electricity buzzing. And I knew right away what had happened. I always thought Wade had more sense then To put an electrical appliance on the edge of a tub. But I don't know anything about his upbringing. I ran and unplugged the extension cord immediately. But when I went into the bathroom, well, he was dead. Yes, I see. People should really be more careful. You know, they should make public service Announcements about that. And during ballgames. You know, really get the message out there about being careful With electricity when you're taking a bath because it Could have saved a life. The life of your friend. Well, Brian, I think I have all I need. If I need any more questions, I'll be in touch. That's, pretty much, what happened. Yeah, that was Wade's mom on the phone. She's, kind of, taking it hard. God, what a day. Yeah, she was wanting to come up and get some of his stuff But really didn't feel up to it right now. She thought maybe after the funeral. That's OK. Isn't it? That's fine. Those cops, they weren't accusing you of anything, Were they? No, no, she believed what I told her. It wasn't my fault. It slipped out of my hand. You believe me, don't you? Yeah, of course. It really was an accident. Hey, you don't need to explain it to me. Want me to call Annie for you? That's all right. I'll talk to her tomorrow. I want to tell her myself. Yeah. Knowing Annie, she's probably going To want to run out and get a marriage license right away, And move in after Wade's gone. That's a safe bet. Thanks for calling his parents. I couldn't handle that. Yeah, it's no problem. Better they heard from us than the cops. You know, preacher man, Bob, always Says better to hear from a friend Then some guy in a uniform. (SOBBING) My boy, oh God, my baby boy. Why did you have to take him, oh Lord? Why him and not his father? Brothers and sisters, our friend, Our comrade, our brother Wade, he did not have to die! Amen. He did not have to die! Brother Wade did not have to die! Except, God has a plan for him. God, in his infinite wisdom and glory said, Wade, This is your time. Now is the time, brother Wade. Brother Wade, get your butt up here to heaven. I know brother Wade is happy. Oh Lord, he's happy that his friends, and family, And comrades, and spiritual arms, Have gathered here today to send him on to the promise land. I know you feel good because brother Wade's in a better place. I know you're happy for Brother Wade. I know you're pleased that he's gone to the kingdom of heaven! Can I have an amen? Amen. Let me hear you say amen brothers and sisters! Amen. I can't hear you! Say amen! - Amen. - Loud! Loud! Loud! Loud! Say amen, brothers and sisters! Amen. I don't know why God chose to electrocute Wade the way He did. Brother Wade was taking a bath. He was in a tub washing off the impurities. The dirt! The filth! The scum! The vermin that each one of us have in our earthly bodies. He was taking a bath. And the radio just happened to jump. Radio jumped! It just... the radio jumped into the tub with brother Wade! And it electrocuted him. It shriveled him all up. I don't know why God chose that path for brother Wade. I can't understand it. But God understands. And Wade us with God. Brother Wade is with God. They're up in heaven. And one day we're going to go to heaven. We're going to get on that freight train of love. That freight train of happiness! We're going to go to heaven! And we're going to see Brother Wade! Do you want to see brother Wade in heaven brothers and sisters? Let me here you say amen! Amen. Let me here you say it loud! Say it proud! Amen! Say amen brother Wade! Amen. God! God bless this ground that contains the shed Off body of brother Wade. Bless this whole area. Bless this hole that his body will lay into. When we come to pay our respects to brother Wade, We will feel his presence here among us. And we loved him so. Yes we did, God. We loved brother Wade so but now he is gone. You gotta help me God. Let us all now bow our heads in silent prayer for brother Wade. Amen. You guys go back to the car. I'll be with you in a minute. I saw what you did. What? He didn't deserve what you did to him. I have no idea what you're... You may be able to fool the police. But you can't fool me. I saw you throw the radio in the tub and kill my brother. It slipped out of my hand. It slipped out of your hand? What were you doing in the bathroom When he was taking a bath anyway? I... he was- He was taking a bath. Look. I'm sorry. Wade was never very good at standing up for himself. But I'm going to see that he does this time. But I... [Chanting] Buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, Buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, Buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack. Stop it! Isn't that what you called him. Isn't that what you called Wade? Buttcrack? Say it 12 times in one breath and then just see what happens. Look, this witchcraft mambo jumbo voodoo doesn't scare me! Just get out of my face with it! [Chanting] Brian. Brian. Yo, Brian. Huh? Hey, man. Where'd you go? Paris? What [inaudible]? Hey, come on. Annie's in a hurry to get back. Some girl thing. I don't know. Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. You know that there were a lot more people there Than I thought there would be? Really? Hey, you want to watch some TV? Sure. I got dibs on the floor next to the window. Last year, over nine people in the greater Arcola, Virginia area alone died as result of electrocution In their own bathtub. Don't be a statistic. Keep your radio and all other electrical appliances Away from your tub and any other areas of water. Remember, bathing is important but nothing to die for. Didn't take long. Hey, you mind if I put it on the biker channel? I don't care. Biker channel? You're no biker. Yeah, but they have really good shows. (ON TV): [inaudible] will return right after these messages. Used to be that when my old lady got her monthly visitor, I'd swear she used to drive me crazy. [Knocking] (ON TV): [inaudible] Nagging and shit. I swear to god, I thought I was going to kill her. Preacher man Bob, hi. This is a pleasant surprise. That was a beautiful sermon you gave earlier. Some of things you said, they just touched me right here. Brother Brian, that lifts my spirits to hear that. Can I come in? Oh, sure. Thanks. So uh, what brings you by here today preacher man Bob? I just come by to make sure that you Kids are doing all right. You know, the loss of a friend is a very trying time. I want y'all to know brother Wade is gone To a far better place then this ratchet Earth we find our self on. I know y'all are in a lot of pain. I know y'all have a lot of loss in your heart. I know you wish you could have his round mounds of God loving Pounds right here with you! But you can't! But you will see brother Wade again. You'll see him again in paradise. That's where you will see. I know. Can I get you something preacher man Bob? I have some apple juice. No, no. I don't want to impose. I just came by to make sure y'all are doing all right. You know, I want to make sure that your souls are at piece. That you've been able to accept the passing of your friend. I'm here to offer guidance. Spiritual counseling. Do y'all need any? Well I could use some guidance. Brother Ken, I see the pain in your eyes. I know that it's hurting you. But preacher man Bob, I am going to help you son. I'm going to help ya! Thank you preacher man Bob. You know what we ought to do? Let's go to the kitchen, get a beer, And get it on with the Lord! Come on, boy! You know, I don't mean this bad. But I'm on a hard time missing Wade. It's just that it's so nice here without his buttcrack Getting in our way. Yeah, you're right. I feel, kind of, bad though. He might've could've been somebody if he just Learned to keep his pants up. You never know. I don't know. Once a buttcrack, always a buttcrack, Their are buttcracks in this world like he was. People who don't have enough sense to keep their pants Pulled up to cover their private parts like their buttcracks. And then, there are non-buttcracks. People like us who have enough sense not to show Our buttcracks to the world. I mean, after all, who wants to look At another persons buttcrack? I know I don't want to look at peoples buttcrack. I think buttcrack is a state of mind. You either have enough sense to hide your buttcrack. Or you're too stupid to realize that everyone Can see your buttcrack. When I think of Wade, all that comes to mind is his buttcrack. Ooh, I go to remember to breath when I go on like that. My mom always said I could be long winded. (SOBBING) Oh, my boy. My, boy. That's all right, mama. We'll just make us another baby boy. (SOBBING). I'm gonna go for a drive. I need some fresh air. (SINGING) [inaudible]. Man, people like that ought to be shot. Hey, buttcrack! Pull your damn pants up! Man, what if I was driving here with my mama? She don't want to look at that kind of stuff. That's just disgusting! Country folk like me don't like that kind of stuff. I'm gonna teach that asshole a lesson. (SINGING) I love my crazy little [inaudible]. Hey, buttcrack! Buttcrack! Hey, buttcrack! I'm talking to you! I'm talking to you, you piece of shit! Oh, so that's how its going to be, huh? What are trying to do? Gross the whole fucking world off? Pull your god damn pants up you retarded son of a dick wad! Come on, buttcrack! Come on, boy. Oh, yeah. Come on now! Come on now! (SINGING) Follow that drinking gourd. I just had about enough of you, boy! Oh, god, the humanity! What the... mama! Mama! Mama! Mama, my face is melting! Mama! (SOBBING) My face is melting! It's melting! It's melting, mama! My face! It's melting! My face is melting! It's melting! (SINGING) Drinking gourd. God is in the flowers! God is in the trees! God is in Troy Aikman's knee! God is in Chevy Nova's! God is in the little tiny hairs hanging off your [inaudible], Ken! God is everywhere, young man! Is he in urine? God is in Pepsi Cola! God is in everything! God is in the Trident Sugarless Gum. God is in... he's in my shoes! He's in my pants! He's making me do a little tiny dance! God's everywhere! He's in the sand at the beach! He's in the sky He's on the floor! He's everywhere! He's underground! Overground! He's over the top, battle royale. God is your friend! You know, Brian, we've got our marriage license, right? Yeah. Well I why don't if you wanted a big fancy ceremony Or anything. But if you just want to keep it simple, Preacher man Bob is here. Maybe we can ask him if he'd do it right now. What do you think? Yeah, you know, that's not a bad idea. Let's do it. Brian, I'm so excited. I love you. Satan is after your soul, young man. Satan wants to get you I'm a Satan hating preacher! I am preacher man Bob! And you got to avoid him! You got to keep away from his dastardly ways, young man! Do you here me? Is Satan everywhere too preacher man Bob? Oh, he thinks he is! Satan thinks he's a bad man! He's walking through the forest of life right now going, I'm bad. I'm Satan. Satan is not doo doo. Satan is not the crap. He's in chainsaws that are tearing up the rain forest. Satan in it acid rain. What? What? Speak, son. Is he in urine? You got to keep Satan out of your life. You, brother ken, has got to keep Satan out of your life. The only way Satan can get in is you ask him in. Satan will come to your door. He will knock upon your door. He said, Ken, can I come in? You say, no! Satan, stay away from me! You say get thee behind me old master of evil. Ge thee behind me old master of evil. Do not, do not, do not let Satan into your life! Can you hear me brother, Ken? Excuse me, um, we're not interrupting anything here, Are we? Oh, no. You're not interrupting. I'm just putting brother Ken back On the correct spiritual path. Yeah. Preacher man Bob, Annie and I were Wondering if you'd marry us. Marry ya? Marry you two? Why nothing would fill my heart with more joy. How better to get over the lost of a loved One than for two people who love each other so To be united in holy matrimony. Cool. God. God, will you sanction this event? Will you bless this holy wedding that I am about to perform? Amen. Say it brother, Ken Amen! Say it loud and say it proud! Amen! Brian, you take this woman, this woman Annie, To be your wife, to love her, to cherish her forever, forever, And ever? I do. And Annie, do you take this man, this man Brian, To be your man forever, forever, till death do you part? I do. By the power vested in me by the God almighty, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Amen. Well hey, let's celebrate. Alrighty. To the happy couple. Here, here. Cheers. Well let's get this party going. [Music playing] (SINGING) [inaudible]. [Music playing] Woo! I'm jumping for Jesus, baby! Woo! Woo! Jumping for Jesus! Yeah, baby! Woo! I'm jumping for Jesus! Woo! Jumping for Jesus! Yes! Woo! Excuse me. I have to pee. [Toilet flushing] God, you scared me. Sorry, I have to pee, too. I love you, Brian. I love you to, Annie. What do you say we make this party short So we can have our honeymoon? Oh, yeah. Good. Churn the milk and make it butter. [Screams] Churn the milk and make it butter. Get thee behind me master of evil. What? Uh, nothing. What's going on? I feel kind of weird like I missed something or something. Uh, nothing's happening. You know, just stuff. Wait a... you feel OK, son? Uh, yeah. I feel kind of weird. Go ahead and keep dancing there, boy. It's good for the spirit. Dance on! Come on dance. Dance on, um. Churn the milk and make it butter. Churn the milk and make it butter. Churn the milk and make it butter. Churn the milk and make it butter. Is it Satan preacher man Bob? Is Wade possessed by Satan? I don't know. I don't think so. What's going on? This can't be happening. Can it? Annie, there's a reason for everything. And I'm going to figure this out. I promise! Wow, I wonder. Wonder what, Brian? Do you know something we don't? You know? Now is the time to talk, young man. I didn't take her seriously at the time. I never believe in that witchcraft stuff. Didn't take who seriously at what time? What are you talking about? At the funeral. Wade's sister. She told me some mambo jumbo about a curse. She said if anybody said the word buttcrack in one breath, Wade would the chance to come back and stand up for himself. Buttcrack 12 times in one breath? Oh, God! Me and my stupid big mouth. What do you mean he'd have a chance to stand up for himself? Um. So he really is possessed by Satan, isn't he? No, Ken. Wade is the victim here. He's been robbed of his chance for natural afterlife. There's some kind of dark magic going on here. Something evil is at work. Something is wrong. Wade's not the source of it. Oh, yeah. Wade was a true friend to you. And you're going to help him back to his resting place. You're going to help him regain his dignity down in the ground. This darkness that has befallen him, You must help him overcome. Well I mean, how do we do that? Look at him. He's alive. He's not alive! That's not alive! He's being made a mockery of by his sister! Some kind of evil at work here, I say. Evil, dark magic! What we got to do is help him get back into that earth! That's what we gotta do, brothers and sister. You mean hell. No Ken, not hell. Wade is the victim here. He was a faithful member of my church For many, many, many years. He's being deprived of his spiritual rights. Someone is denying him of what he belongs to be doing. What we need to do is help return To the proper resting place! Do you understand? Oh, yeah. OK, I guess we should make doubly sure that he's dead And take him back to his grave. That's right. Let's go it him! Ow! What are you doing? Huh? What did you do that for, Brian? He's already dead. You can't hurt him! Whack him good! Give it to him! Ah! My nose [Interposing voices] Keep going! Hit him! Hit him! I sure hope we did the right thing. Trust me, Brian. If it was you, you'd want us to do the same thing. Aw, man. You got to kill the evil beast! Come on! Whack him! Whack a doo! Whack a doo! Get him! Let me see. I think we got him here. Now what? Let's take him back to his resting place. (SINGING) Got a love handle. Chika boom boom boom. Chicka boom boom boom. Aw, shit. He's alive again. Ah! [Music playing] Well I know I already said everything I could possibly say at the first funeral for brother Wade. But I feel that anytime a young man is to be buried, Words should be said over his body. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, now. Whoa. Oh, shit. God, this is not the first time we've Laid poor brother Wade to rest. But I sure hope it's gonna be the last. Please don't blame brother Wade for the actions Of his evil sister. And please, God, except the wretched soul Back into your Heavenly kingdom. Amen! Amen. I said amen, Ken! Amen! Give me a loud amen! Amen! Say it again like you mean it! Amen! Please God, amen this man and keep him down in the ground. Thank you. Amen. Amen. There. Fools. Uh. What's going on? Don't let them get away with it, Wade. What do you mean? I was, I was, I was going towards this light. It was this beautiful light. And I knew that when I got there that... I know, I know but he tried to kill you. He threw the radio in the tub with you. No. No! Ow! If you weren't already dead, that would've killed you. You've got to get your revenge. You've got to do something if you Want to go back to the light. What? You have to kill him, Wade. Oh. If you don't, you're doomed to walk the earth forever. You'll never get back to the light. Why did you do this to me? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? Others will try to kill him, too. You have got to be the one to kill him, Wade. Why couldn't you just leave me alone? A spell this powerful comes with certain side effects. Well I've never killed anybody. Do what you must. Strangle him. Electrocute him. Shoot him. I don't even have a gun. What are you going to do? I guess I'll get my revenge. Good. I'm only doing this because I want to get Back to where it's peaceful. I'm not really mad at Brian or anything. Wade? Huh? Pull your pants up. Well preacher man Bob, thanks for marrying us. And thanks for your help with Wade. No problem at all, son. I'm just glad I can help. So you're sure Wade won't be back. I mean, you don't think so. Little lady, I'm 98% sure you'll be seeing no more Wade. Well what if he does come back? Are there any special prayers we should say? You know, the bible doesn't cover zombie resurrections. I wish it did, but it doesn't. What you should do. What you should do is just chop his arms and his legs off. I mean, just hack him up. That way, he won't be able to go anywhere if he does come back. And let me tell you one more thing. He's already dead. You can't hurt him. He's dead. You can't hurt him. Just make sure he stays in the ground. OK. Should we burn all of his stuff? Would that rid the house of all evil? Brother Ken, I'm getting sick and tired of explaining to you That Wade's not the problem. He's not evil. It's his sister. Holy! Oh, yeah. But shouldn't we burn all of his stuff anyway? Brother Ken, me and you are going To have to have a special spiritual counseling session. You come down by the church about 1 o'clock tomorrow. You hear me, son? And we'll have a little talk then. OK. So I guess you want to be alone, huh? Well, yeah. I understand. Mind if I use your bathroom first? I got to piss like a racehorse. No, go right ahead. You don't think Wade will be back, do you? I don't know really. I don't know how powerful that spell Wade's sister put on him. She blames me for Wade's death. You didn't have anything to do with Wade's death. Everybody knows that. Even the police know that. I know. She just thinks she knows something the rest of you, The rest of us, don't. Well I guess that's all behind us now. We're together. And no one will ever come between us again the way he Did with his buttcrack and all. Yeah, once Ken leaves, we can get this marriage underway. Brian, um, there's something I have to do first. My mom's going to be so excited. I can't believe I haven't called her yet. Hello, mom? Hi, it's me. Guess what. Yeah! Guess what else. Well we, kind of, eloped. Preacher man Bob was here, and he did the ceremony. And it was really nice. I hope you're not mad at me. Good. Oh, I will. OK. I love you too, mom. I'll see you at Thanksgiving. OK? Bye, mom. [Inaudible] baby. [Screaming] So where are you and Annie going on your honeymoon? [Inaudible]. Annie! [Music playing] Get away, buttcrack boy. [Screaming] Brian, whatever you do, don't look at his buttcrack. You're out of your mind, butt boy! [Screaming] Get out of my way [inaudible]! Ah! Ah! Oh, grandma! Get the biscuits ready! I'm coming! Preacher man Bob. I just came back to get my bible. I left it in your living. Nice shooting. If I can't defend myself, I can't Do the Lord's work, young man. What happened? Annie. Wade's sister is interfering in areas where She does not belong at all! Annie. Son, it's time for you to lay down and take that big rest. Oh, God, except this young man into your heavenly kingdom! No, please, no! Brian, no! You can't be dead! Brian, no! Wade, brother Wade, Brian's gone. He's gone. You can't bring him back. No! I know it's hard to except the loss of a friend. But Brian is gone, Wade. Brian, no! No! Wade, what's happening? I was heading towards this light. Brian, you're not dead! Brian? Meet your maker, boy! [Chanting] So long, Wade. Lady, you done really made a mess of things. You done really screwed a lot of people up. Excuse me? When you mess with God, who mess with me, honey bunny! [Gunshots] And I will not tolerate you messing with me! [Music playing] Hey, dad. I found it. Wade Jenkins, right here. Wade Jenkins. Outstanding. Have you got your picture now, Stan? Can we go? My feet are hurting. Hold on. Wait, I know. Go stand next to the grave. Trevor go stand next to your mother. Oh, Stan. Honestly, what is this all about? It's cool, mom. This is Wade Jenkins. You know, the buttcrack guy. Well why do you need a picture of this guy's grave? He's part of the local history. That's right. He died in his bathtub. He got electrocuted. But what is weird is that after his funeral, His roommate was found dead, too. Somebody beat the tar out of him. And his face was all melted. Melted. Couple other people were there, too. And they were just as dead. You ever heard of such a thing? Well that doesn't sound right. It was in the paper, mom. And now it's going to be in my book. You're not still working on that silly book, are you? I absolutely am. I've got pictures of Nigel the psychopaths grave. And now I'm getting pictures of this buttcrack guys grave. I think it'll make a great coffee table book. Just think about it. A picture book featuring all the famous and infamous graves Of Northern Virginia. All I got to do is keep my eyes in the paper. And whenever somebody important dies or anybody at all dies With some mystery around them, like this guy, I'll get a picture of the grave. I have a vision here, Harriet. Work with me on it. It's going to be cool, mom. Oh, it's going to be more than cool, Especially when I go into all the rumors about this guy. All the stuff the papers didn't even talk. Oh, yeah, definitely. All that stuff about saying buttcrack 12 times In one breath. Yeah. 12 times in one breath. Come on. Well that's what folks are saying. They all say that he came back to life to get revenge Because somebody said the word buttcrack 12 Times in one breath. There was a curse on him. And that's why everybody's face was melted. He came back to life, they looked at his buttcrack, And then they died. His sister died, too, right here in the parking Lot of this very cemetery. The same parking lot where our very own car Is parked at this exact moment. Six bullets. Six of them all lodged in her brain Shot there by an unknown assailant. Who shot her? Why did she die? Nobody knows. To this very day, it's remained a mystery. Oh, my. Oh, my indeed. That's why I wanted a picture of this grave. Hey, dad. Why don't you get a picture of the sisters grave, too. It'd be good for the book, you know, Especially that she's the one who put the curse on him. Can't. Cremated. Religion demanded it. Ah. Well I don't understand why anyone would even say That 12 times in one breath. It's ludicrous to think anyone could actually Fit that into a conversation. It could happen. Buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, Buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack, Buttcrack, buttcrack. It's kind of stupid. But it can be done. Yeah, well that's just what folks were saying. I didn't make it up. [Music playing] Where's my puke? Brother Wade did not have to die, brothers and sisters. [Chanting]. Cut. [Laughing] The loss of a loved one's a very trying time, young lady. Oh, there's a whole bunch of y'all here. I didn't even notice. Buttcrack. You're a preacher man Bob. You need help? I don't know. (WHISPERING) I'm sorry. I saw him fixing that. We'll have a little talk then. Door's locked. It's total mayhem! Oh, my god! Still rolling, and lets do it again. And ready, set? I'm eating bugs. I'm afraid I, kind of, have some bad news. Yeah. No. [Bleep] God! God, I'm speaking to you! Could you please sanction this holy wedding I'm about to perform? Can you help me unite these two people in holy macrimony? [Laughing] [Music playing] [Laughing] Tricia, I am so very sorry. Have you been waiting long? We were supposed to meet at noon, and it's now quarter to one. The most extraordinary thing happened. At least I'll get a colourful anecdote out of this. - My watch stopped. - I've got to go. That is extraordinary. It's a Swiss timepiece. It only loses a minute per decade. And you've had it for what, 450 years? I have an appointment at one. Please, let me have another chance. I'd love to get to know you better. I suppose even Swiss watches sometimes stop. You'd be amazed how much fondue gets overcooked that way. How about lunch tomorrow at Le Petit Bistro? He'll give us the best table in the house. Please? OK. I'll meet you there at one. - That's when the little hand is... - Yes, I know. - See you then. - OK. Frasier. Thank God you have room. I just spent ten stupefying minutes sharing a table with a taxidermist. He doesn't have to stuff his trophies. He can just bore them stiff. Who was that woman? A young lady I met at the opera last night. It was remarkable. Our hands touched, there was a spark. After ten minutes, I knew I had to know her better. - Ever experience that sort of thing? - I do know a thing or two about it. Excuse me. Can I have the non-fat cappuccino, please? What am I to deduce, that you've recently gotten lucky? Yes, and she lives in your building. Five floors down. Allison Landis. You sneak. I don't even know the woman. How did you two meet? On the elevator. I walked her to her car where she'd locked her keys inside. - I saved the day. - You got them out with a coat hanger? I called the auto club. Where would I find a coat hanger? She invited me for lunch, we hit it off. The next night I took her to dinner. One thing led to another and soon there was no further need for words. Except for your frantically-babbled "thank yous". I'm seeing her tonight, so you'll understand if I'm drained tomorrow at our squash game. My love-making can get athletic. More than can be said for your squash game. I've been away from the seduction scene so long I was worried I'd lost my technique. Were those fears ever groundless. It's like French. You can go without speaking it for years and then a few hours on the boulevard d'amour, then you... - Where are you going? - To sit with the taxidermist. I can't believe this has happened twice. - You had car trouble. - Maybe she's still at Le Petit Bistro. She isn't. If you're talking about someone named Tricia, she called to say she was leaving. She said you were right about the table. It was a beautiful table and she wished you were laid out dead on top of it. It's her machine. Hello, Tricia, it's Frasier. I'm terribly sorry but my car battery went dead at a light and I didn't have my cell phone. I couldn't go to the restaurant because I was wearing ridiculous shorts. I know how this sounds but it's the truth. Here, ask my brother. They're ridiculous shorts. Anyway, please give me one more chance. I'll go anywhere, anytime. Just give me a call. Please. May I have the phone? I had such high hopes for this young woman. Now I've gone and blown it twice. Whom are you calling? Allison. It's been hours since we spoke. Hello, there. How are you feeling? Me, too. Yeah, me too... Take it in my bedroom. You're making the dog twitch. You'll be so excited when you hear what I got planned for your birthday. - I didn't want any fuss this year. - Get ready to change your mind cos I scored tickets Friday night to the best show in town. Chimps On Ice. Oh, my. I know this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, but Duke saw it last week and he busted a gut. And mind you, he even saw it with the understudy. Dad, I really don't feel like going out on my birthday this year. - Are you sure? - Actually, I'd made plans. I was going to watch television. There's a new production of Cosi fan tutte. No wonder, then. You're missing a treat. Duke said at the finale the cast skates to the top of a ramp and then splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera. No, and Mozart's still kicking himself. Come on, boy. Frasier, are you familiar with the Safari Club? Of course. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable. They're legendary. Last year they made camp at the base of Mount Everest, then had their servants climb it while they held a wine-tasting. - Why are you telling me this? - Because Allison is a member. This Friday they're having a reception at her place and we're invited. That's incredible. - Consider it your birthday present. - Thank you so much. I told Dad I was going to stay home. - Don't tell him about this. - Don't worry. I told him yesterday I was going away for the weekend. - You knew about this yesterday? - No, but I knew about Chimps On Ice. I understand one of the members is going to show an old film he made of the rare and endangered species found only in the rainforest. - Maris would have loved it. - Why so? She had shoes made from almost all of them. - Allison. - Niles. And this must be Frasier. Come in, both of you. There are lots of people I'd like you to meet. The bar is over there and the hors d'oeuvres are here. We have some fascinating delicacies actually bagged by our own members. This is ostrich, that's wildebeest and that's springbok. I can never remember, is it "fall ahead, spring bok" or vice versa? - I forgot I had this on me. - Don't apologise. I do it myself. Even in the veldt one must keep in touch with one's broker. - You can have privacy in the study. - Thank you. Hello? You look ravishing tonight. Thank you. You and I should be very discreet tonight. I'm a psychiatrist. If I can't be discreet, it don't rain in Tanganyika. After all, if in the near future, you should be up for membership in our club, I want to appear objective when I sing your praises. My ears are already burning. Frasier, we're being considered for membership. We must show them how enthusiastic we are. - I have to leave. - What? That was Tricia on the phone. She's going out of town tonight for a month. But if I pick her up at her place, we can at least have a drink. Are you insane? This is the Safari Club. These are the people who introduced badminton to Devil's Island. They challenged the lepers of Molokai to a three-legged race. I don't care. It was kismet when I met Tricia. I must see her. To leave two minutes after arriving, you'll ruin our chances. All right. I'll make a proper excuse. Excuse me, Allison. I'm terribly sorry. It seems I'm coming down with something. I'm going to have to leave. If you feel better, please come back. We'll be here all evening. Thank you, but I don't really see that there's much hope. I'm just picking up my keys. I will see you in ten minutes. And, Tricia, I can't wait. All right, bye. Surprise! We weren't going to let you stay home alone on your birthday. - Look at him. He can't believe it. - No, I certainly can't. - Why are you dressed like that? - I dress like this sometimes when I watch the opera on television. That's up there on the dork meter. Since I'm not watching the opera, I should buy a tape so I can record it. We're way ahead of you, Dr Crane. Your father has the VCR all set up. Let's get things started. Here you go, Doc, happy birthday. Thank you, Bulldog. Thank you, all. David Copperfield. Dickens' classic tale of a man making his way in the world. I think we're talking about different movies here, Doc. David Cop-A-Feel. But you were right about the classic tail. - You need a brew? I'm headed that way. - No, thanks. - I'd love a cup of hot tea with lemon. - I'm fetching, not cooking. There's a kettle of boiling water on the stove. Here you are. Now don't be mad at your father. He wanted to do something nice after you turned down the skating monkeys. Great party. As long as we've got enough ice. Four bags, right? - No, I got two. - Two? I told you to get four bags. But you never under-budget on the ice. You might get a lot more rocks drinkers than you expected. - Or ice chewers... - Dad, I can go get some more ice. We don't need any more ice. There's a whole tub of it. Yes, well, then... Excuse me. I need to make a call. Tricia? Frasier. I've been detained. Yes, I know that you don't want to hear why, but... I think I can find a way to get out of here. Yes, I'll see you in a few minutes. Dad, bad news. Seems your ice is melting awfully fast. - What? - I'll go get some more. No, it's your party. I'll go. You just got here. Roz, it's my birthday. I can do what I want. I want to get ice. I warned her. It's practically gone. Don't worry, Dad. I'm on it. - I'll be glad to go... - I know what kind Dad likes. No, don't, don't stop on 14. Just don't stop on 14. Frasier. I'm delighted you're feeling better. We're about to start the film. Wait until you see it. Just grab a chair before all the good seats are gone. - What are you doing here? - Wishing I had taken the stairs. Watch it. If I'd wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it. Mustn't mind old Rhino. Always in a vile mood. - Rhino? - Karl Landis, Allison's husband. They call him Rhino because of his mean temper. Husband? Allison's married? Not surprised people don't know. He's always on safari. Loves guns. Guns and women. No secret, notorious for it. Cheats on her constantly. Mark my words: One day she'll pay him back and then rub his blood-thirsty nose in it. I think I just swallowed my tongue. Niles, just be calm. You didn't know. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should get back to Rhino. - I don't know what you're insinuating. - Don't lie. Everyone knows what goes on in that pup tent. Well, I can play at that game, too. In fact, I already have. And with somebody right here tonight. How do you like that? I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe. I'm sorry, Niles. I would love to help, but I've got to get out of here myself. Ready for the movie. Mind helping me turn out the lights? Splendid idea. You're going to want it nice and dark in here, aren't you? You should've told me you were married. I must leave. If he sees someone sneak out, that's the first person he'll suspect. All set? And it's show time. Here under the leafy canopy of the rainforest, the sun never penetrates the gloom of the interior. An almost subterran... - What happened? - Did someone pull the plug out? Yup. Here it is. All right, lights out. ...quality permeates this hidden kingdom deep in the underbrush - and all manner of creatures... - What was that? Someone certainly snuck out of here in a hurry. I know what you're all thinking. Now that Allison has seen fit to air our dirty laundry in public, you assume that was her lover. But I know it wasn't. - How? - I can sense that he's still here. In the jungle I learned to smell fear and I smell it now. So, let's see whether the swine has guts to stand up and admit it before I expose him. What about it, coward? Going to stand up? That many? My God, woman, you're as bad as I am. Come on, you bastards, join me in a drink. Hi, Dr Crane. We're all on our way up to your place. Noel, so you are. Hi, Tom, Janet, Bill. I was just heading down. - We're out of ice. - Not anymore. I brought a 20-pound bag. Just call me Noel Shempsky: Party Saver. Here's the ice. Here, Noel, put that in the kitchen, will you? Dad, I went out without my wallet. They gave me the ice but I have to go back and pay them. At least play the last round of charades with us. - I should be getting back there. - But you love charades. It won't kill them to wait a few minutes for their money. Be on our team. We really suck at this. - The category is famous play titles. - I'm a bear at charades. You ready? - Yeah. - All right, go. Three words. First word. Mourning Becomes Electra. - Yes! - What? Four seconds? Well done, Roz. Nice playing with you. I'm out of here. You have to take a turn. You have 30 seconds to prepare. Well, all right. Maybe I'll just prepare in the kitchen. Tricia! You're going to laugh when you hear this. Hello? Tricia? Fine. The Iceman Cometh - All right. - Ready? OK, go. Three words. First word. A small word. On? In? Of? To? Be? Is? It? I? You? Me? They, them, us, we, he, she. Forget about it. OK, second word. Two syllables. First syllable. Cold, chilly, freezing, winter. Snow, sleet, hail, frost, frostbite, gangrene. - Gangrene? - No talking allowed. Second syllable. Shrink. Doctor. Dork. Person, guy, male, man. Man, man, man. Let's see, Icy cold man, ice man. Got it. - Thank you. - Frosty The Snowman. Yes! No, you jackass! The Iceman Cometh. Disqualified. You two are the worst charades players I've ever seen. Those skating chimps could... You did your best. We'll get it next time. Off I go. No, wait, Frasier. We still have a consolation prize for you. Look, he's crying. - Made it. - Boy, are you wrong. I have a plane leaving for Spokane in an hour. My cab is on the way, so why don't you just be on your way, too? But I had to sneak out of a birthday party being given for me by my own father just to come here. Yeah, right. It's your birthday. If you don't believe me, here, just see for yourself. It's the worst birthday I've had since I was eight, when I pinned the tail on Sally Annunciato. She shoved a cupcake down my shorts. You really blew off your own birthday party just to come meet me. I would've done almost anything to get to know you better. That's very sweet, and I wish I had more time but I have an 8.00am appointment in Spokane and I can't miss my plane. - I could drive you. - It's only 20 minutes to the airport. - I wasn't talking about the airport. - What? I can get to Spokane in six hours. Enough time to get acquainted. - I can't ask you to do that. - You didn't ask. I offered. I want to do it. Here... That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. One of two things can happen. We'll discover that we've built each other up because we had such trouble getting together, or this could end up being a story we tell our grandchildren. Personally, I can't wait to find out which. Me neither. Off we go. I thought I'd find us some background music. Good idea. Looking for some more opera? No. The one the other night was my first and last. I was dragged to it by one of my converts. There we go. Converts, you say? I'm one of the Truth-Bringers. I was ordained by Brother Carmichael. The evangelist? I go door-to-door, spreading his word. Do you mind my asking something? Have you heard the truth? Something tells me I'm about to. Our sources report the development|of a new strain of nerve gas called R-1. It kills in seconds, has a shelf life|three times that of its nearest competitor. All prototypes of the gas|must be destroyed. - What's the location? | - We don't know. We do know it's being funded|by a hostile country... through bank accounts maintained|at an embassy in Brussels. We'll infiltrate the embassy... and identify the names of the scientists|working on the R-1 project. Those names will lead us|to the project itself. The mission is planned|for tomorrow morning. The embassy is well secured. There'll be a backup team|of four operatives. - Enough is enough! | - What is it, Kronen? I don't need this place. What's the matter with you? | You're supposed to be debriefing. Debrief this. Get medical, now. - Any word? | - It's still too early. Is he dying? I don't know. You care, don't you? So, what happens now? Someone takes his place. Who? Good afternoon,|my name is Egran Petrosian. I will be in charge|pending Operations' return. Along with all of you| I deeply regret this morning's events. I will keep you advised|concerning Operations' condition... as information becomes available. In the meantime, he would not want|our attention to be diverted... from the business in hand. So, Red Team, please remain. The rest of you, back to work. That's us. I reviewed the mission profile|on the way here. It is inadequate. I'm making some changes.| Nikita will stand down. You will replace her with two operatives|of your own choosing. And you won't leave tomorrow morning,|you will leave tonight. I'll advise a backup team. There will be no backup team. A smaller primary unit|plus backup makes more sense. That's the way Operations designed it. - What is your name? | - Sykes. Sykes, in case you dozed off,| I have news for you. Operations is no longer in charge. I am. You will be stationed with Birkoff|to provide technical oversight. That function is mine or Michael's. - Nikita is not cleared for it.| - She is now. I suggest you review the mission profile... and use any remaining time to rest. This is the first action of the new regime. We will all want to be at our best. Be careful, Nikita. Of him or of you? I'm sorry but he's not going to make it. It's just a question|of how long he stays on life support. Will you be making that decision? I already have. I've decided he's going to recover. His will to live is very strong. Your will to save him must be strong, too. I'll help you. Go back inside... tell your colleagues to do the possible... then the impossible|and then the unthinkable... until he's out of danger. Because when you're finished, Doctor... that room will contain|either four living men or four corpses. - Do you understand? | - Okay. The pattern's complete. Time to partial window? - Thirty seconds.| - Coverage? - Forty percent.| - Go. Michael, 20 seconds. Five seconds. Security's pretty tight.| Wrapped around a Z-cubed function. - Can you break it? | - I can get you in. I can delay the alarm,|but I can't disable it. Go. Michael, the only thing we know|is that the disk is hidden in a book. Michael, you're running out of time. There goes the alarm. - I thought you said we had a minute? | - I said maybe. Hey, guard, move over. You've got to get him out of there, Nikita. Continue to search. - I've got the disk.| - Withdraw. - Sykes, retrieve Michael.| - I can't. There's too much resistance. I repeat, retrieve Michael, now. Go. We're out. - What the hell's going on? | - He's a butcher. We lost two men today|because we didn't have backup. - Are you all right? | - I'm fine. Your performance today was superb. Cool, objective... decisive. Exactly what I need... for my second-in-command. What about Madeline? Madeline is extraordinary. She will continue to be useful|in Psych Ops situations. But she's been|with Operations a long time. She's versed in his style. His methods. What I need is my own Madeline. - I'm not really interested in a promotion.| - No? You prefer to go on living|from day to day? Risking your life|on mission after mission... until one day your luck runs out... and you're blown to pieces|in some obscure corner of the earth? There is more to life... than briefings and missions, Nikita. Good. How's Operations? I'm confident the doctors are doing|everything they can. Has Petrosian offered you my position yet? - Yes.| - And what did you say? If I say no,|he's going to offer it to somebody else. That's not the point. What is the point? The point is, you don't have|what it takes to do my job. And if you try,|you'll only end by destroying yourself. In addition to taking over for Madeline... you will handle technical oversight until| I can find someone I feel I can rely on. - It's double duty, but it can't be helped.| - No problem. You will answer only to me. You will be my eyes and ears|in the Section... and you will carry out|my instructions to the letter. Our first priority is to ensure that|there is not another Kronen in Section... waiting to go berserk. So, you will initiate a full review|of all personnel evaluation procedures. - That's already been done.| - Good. Next, I want to ensure|that all activities in Section... come under my direct control. Starting with Walter. I am told that he likes to work|on his own secret projects. I want to know what they are. I don't want to spy on my friends. Kronen shoots the Section commander|in plain view. Sykes complains about mission design. Walter works on unauthorized projects. Section is out of control. It has to stop. I need to feel certain|that Walter won't be harmed. If you want to protect your friend| Walter, you will do as you're told. You scared me. - I didn't think anything scared you, Walter.| - Get out of here. Still thinking about Kronen? It bothers me that I didn't see it coming. Nobody did. The day before, I was trying to brief him|on the new laser sight... and he kept talking about his mother. His mother? Anytime anyone in this place starts|talking about "Mom"... you know he's got problems. So what else are you working on? I'm in position. Gufeld should be in the lobby|in about 30 seconds. Sykes, report. Sykes? I'm in position. Target in sight. Sykes, disarm security. Sykes, you opened the wrong box. Mr. Gufeld, would you have|a look at this, please? This way. Sykes, hurry up. It's jammed. Michael, hold. Sykes? I got it. Go, Michael. Damn it. Security proceed west, immediately. What's going on? May I see your ID? Keep walking. Sorry, gentlemen,|no one's allowed to leave right now. Everyone get down. - Conference in Paris? | - The briefing's at 9:00. The meeting with Hurley? Bosnian protocols could make|that awkward. I suggest we push it back a week. - And the Gantzway mission? | - All elements satisfactory, except Sykes. He failed to disconnect the alarm. And what about our friend Walter? Did you find out what he's up to? A remote surveillance mike. New type.| Counter-synchronous. - Seems harmless enough.| - Excellent, Nikita. I'm very pleased with your work. However, I do have one more assignment|for you tonight. Volare is at the east end of the park.| You know it? Be there at 8:00. Dress appropriately. Someone will be meeting you. He will know you. What are you doing here? Petrosian sent me to meet someone. Why? I imagine it's part of his full life|that he's promised me if I work for him. Am I under orders to please you? Of course... not. He can make it easier for us. We could have a chance to spend|more time together outside Section. I wouldn't put too much trust in him. If I'm dealing with the Devil... it's because sometimes the| Devil's the only one open for business. But that's not the problem, is it? Michael, it bothers you... that I have so much more power now. You don't like it. Maybe it even makes you|a little uncomfortable. No. Shall we just have a drink? No more games. No promises, just a drink. Can you hear me? I'm sorry. It should have been anticipated. The doctors say your progress is|slow but steady. Live. I trust last night's assignment|was satisfactory? - Yes.| - Good. Gufeld is in the white room|ready for questioning. Interrogate and dispose of him. - Of course.| - Then report back. Who are you people? You worked on something called R-1. I want the location of the research facility. I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Gufeld, I'm in a hurry,|so I'll make this quick. If you don't tell me the location,| I'll have to have you killed. If you do tell me, I'll let you go. You'll let me go? If we get what we need,|there's no reason to hold you. The people I worked for- Threatened to kill you|if you ever told what you knew? Yes. No problem. We'll protect you. Do you promise? Of course. It's in northern Iraq... near the Turkish border,|just outside Zakho. Thank you. I have the location,|mission profile's being developed now. Good. - So, is that all right? | - Yeah, all right. You can't have sympathy|with another person's weakness. You must use the weakness|to control the person. Of course. Everyone has a weakness,|whether it is status... love of praise, a lover, a mother... or simply the desire to go on living. You find a weakness,|you control the person. You understand? I think I'm beginning to. Good. Birkoff. I need a favor. Personal favors are against regulations. Walter said we're all living|by the book now. Even Petrosian's little pet. Wrong, Birkoff. Petrosian's little pet gets what she wants. What they did to Walter|will look like a foot massage... compared to what I'll do to you|if you mess with me. - Now, it's about Kronen.| - He shot Operations. I need you to find out everything|you can about his mother. She lives in Brazil with five kids.| Kronen's siblings. She got thrown out of work|about a year ago, lived on the street. - Then everything changed.| - Changed, how? She moved into a condo|about a month ago. Nice neighborhood, servants. The money? - Legitimate bank accounts.| - Source of the funds? Untraceable. What's going on? As far as you're concerned, nothing. The mission leaves tomorrow night. The bio-weapons plant|will be destroyed in 30 hours. - Red Team? | - Michael, Sykes, Pelham, Vronsky. No, not Sykes.| He has been weak for some time now. I have decided to cancel him. - I'll see to it.| - No. - You will do it personally.| - Why? I have told you before, Nikita,|compassion is a weakness. You have to be able to kill|without a moment's hesitation. But I've killed so many people|that I've lost count. Yes, in combat. But this is different. This is a man whose only crime... has been the failure to live up|to the standards of Section. I have to know that you can kill him, too. For me. Do it the old-fashioned way, face to face. And, Nikita... don't try to deceive me. Of course not. I knew this was coming for a while now. I never thought you'd be the one to do it. I always thought|you were one of the good ones. Do what you have to do, Nikita. Do it! It's time we had a talk. - Petrosian has to be stopped.| - Why? He hired Kronen|to make the hit on Operations. What makes you say that? Kronen's mother was destitute,| Petrosian saved her. The price was the hit. - The mother's now-| - Living like a queen in Brazil. - I saw the file.| - Good for you. - It could have been tampered with.| - By whom? Somebody who wants|to turn me against Petrosian. You, for example. Petrosian is a murderer and worse. Why should he be any worse|than Operations? Don't be a child. If Petrosian consolidates|his grip on Section... he will start a reign of terror| like you've never seen. - Why should I believe you? | - I'm telling you the truth. The trouble is, Madeline,|the puzzle palace you created... tends to let the truth|fall through the cracks. The file you saw was real. Then use it to bring him down. It's circumstantial,|his friends are too powerful. We have to find another way. Choose, Nikita. Are you on Petrosian's side or ours? I don't take orders|from you anymore, Madeline. - Sykes has been handled.| - Yes. I just got a message from housekeeping. The doctors tell me|that Operations is improving. I hear he's going to be moved soon,|to a hospital in a Geneva. Won't be long|before he's back running things. And I'll be gone. - And I'll be at the mercy of Madeline.| - Mercy's not exactly her strong suit. Still, what is to be done? Kill him. Do you have any idea what you're saying? Operations built Section with|his own blood and his own pain. And you want to murder him|in his sickbed? He is past. You are the future. Yes. It would be convenient for both of us... if he were out of the way. Yet not long ago|you were reluctant to kill Sykes. Now you are ready for this. There is no choice. It's now or it's never. Or perhaps you are setting a trap. You never lied to me... you made promises and kept them. That's not true of Operations... Madeline, Michael, or anyone else in here. With you, I have a chance at life. Without you... I have nothing. In that case... you should be willing|to kill Operations yourself... - with your own hand.| - All right. It would be best if we were not seen|together in the aftermath. I will have certain arrangements to make.| The sooner the better. It must be done|during tomorrow night's mission... when everyone else is occupied. Hentgen, report. The final charge is set. Withdraw. Twenty seconds to detonation. Evacuate. Evacuation sequence in progress. That was easy. - Birkoff, what's going on? | - I don't know. Find out.| And don't lose touch with the team. The team is fine. The problem's internal. Looks like the backup matrix might|have bled into the primary circuit... but I don't see how. I'll go check on Systems. - Do you want the symbol tables? | - Yes. Hold those. Raise me another 20%.| Somebody turn the alarm off. - What happened? | - I couldn't do it. He's lying there so helpless. I was wrong about you, you're weak.| I will find someone else. No, you won't. You don't understand power.| You're finished. Vitamin B. You have many influential friends, Egran... but even they won't be|able to explain this away. We did so many missions together.| We were good. The best. I often wondered what would happen|if we went head-to-head. Now we know. Still, it was close. Your timing was excellent. I was overcommitted, careless. If only Kronen had been a better shot. I don't suppose for old times' sake... you could find me a deep-cover|assignment in some backwater... never to be heard of again. I'm afraid not. If word got out,|discipline would be compromised. Then let us not prolong things. Though I do have one last request. If it is still the custom for one|to be granted to the condemned man. Within reason. Shake my hand. With pleasure. Hi, Walter. He'll forgive you eventually. After all, in the end, you did save Section. Did I? I think it's pretty clear. Operations is a better choice|than Petrosian. Better for who? If you had doubts,|why did you side with us? Petrosian was willing to give me a life... as much as one can have inside Section. But in order to get it, I lied, I bullied... and, who knows,|eventually I might have even... killed in cold blood. In other words, I found out what it's like... to be you. And you didn't like it. No, I didn't. Power is addictive, Nikita. You've had a taste. It's in your blood now. You're wrong. You'll be back. It's only a matter of time. But there'll be one difference. The next time... I'll be waiting for you. Our sources report the development of a new strain of nerve gas called R-1. It kills in seconds, has a shelf life three times that of its nearest competitor. All prototypes of the gas must be destroyed. - What's the location? - We don't know. We do know it's being funded by a hostile country... through bank accounts maintained at an embassy in Brussels. We'll infiltrate the embassy... and identify the names of the scientists working on the R-1 project. Those names will lead us to the project itself. The mission is planned for tomorrow morning. The embassy is well secured. There'll be a backup team of four operatives. - Enough is enough! - What is it, Kronen? I don't need this place. What's the matter with you? You're supposed to be debriefing. Debrief this. Get medical, now. Nikita 2x05 "New Regime" Subtitles subXpacio - Any word? - It's still too early. Is he dying? I don't know. You care, don't you? So, what happens now? Someone takes his place. Who? Good afternoon, my name is Egran Petrosian. I will be in charge pending Operations' return. Along with all of you I deeply regret this morning's events. I will keep you advised concerning Operations' condition... as information becomes available. In the meantime, he would not want our attention to be diverted... from the business in hand. So, Red Team, please remain. The rest of you, back to work. That's us. I reviewed the mission profile on the way here. It is inadequate. I'm making some changes. Nikita will stand down. You will replace her with two operatives of your own choosing. And you won't leave tomorrow morning, you will leave tonight. I'll advise a backup team. There will be no backup team. A smaller primary unit plus backup makes more sense. That's the way Operations designed it. - What is your name? - Sykes. Sykes, in case you dozed off, I have news for you. Operations is no longer in charge. I am. You will be stationed with Birkoff to provide technical oversight. That function is mine or Michael's. - Nikita is not cleared for it. - She is now. I suggest you review the mission profile... and use any remaining time to rest. This is the first action of the new regime. We will all want to be at our best. Be careful, Nikita. Of him or of you? I'm sorry but he's not going to make it. It's just a question of how long he stays on life support. Will you be making that decision? I already have. I've decided he's going to recover. His will to live is very strong. Your will to save him must be strong, too. I'll help you. Go back inside... tell your colleagues to do the possible... then the impossible and then the unthinkable... until he's out of danger. Because when you're finished, Doctor... that room will contain either four living men or four corpses. - Do you understand? - Okay. The pattern's complete. Time to partial window? - Thirty seconds. - Coverage? - Forty percent. - Go. Michael, 20 seconds. Five seconds. Security's pretty tight. Wrapped around a Z-cubed function. - Can you break it? - I can get you in. I can delay the alarm, but I can't disable it. Go. Michael, the only thing we know is that the disk is hidden in a book. Michael, you're running out of time. There goes the alarm. - I thought you said we had a minute? - I said maybe. Hey, guard, move over. You've got to get him out of there, Nikita. Continue to search. - I've got the disk. - Withdraw. - Sykes, retrieve Michael. - I can't. There's too much resistance. I repeat, retrieve Michael, now. Go. We're out. - What the hell's going on? - He's a butcher. We lost two men today because we didn't have backup. - Are you all right? - I'm fine. Your performance today was superb. Cool, objective... decisive. Exactly what I need... for my second-in-command. What about Madeline? Madeline is extraordinary. She will continue to be useful in Psych Ops situations. But she's been with Operations a long time. She's versed in his style. His methods. What I need is my own Madeline. - I'm not really interested in a promotion. - No? You prefer to go on living from day to day? Risking your life on mission after mission... until one day your luck runs out... and you're blown to pieces in some obscure corner of the earth? There is more to life... than briefings and missions, Nikita. Good. How's Operations? I'm confident the doctors are doing everything they can. Has Petrosian offered you my position yet? - Yes. - And what did you say? If I say no, he's going to offer it to somebody else. That's not the point. What is the point? The point is, you don't have what it takes to do my job. And if you try, you'll only end by destroying yourself. In addition to taking over for Madeline... you will handle technical oversight until I can find someone I feel I can rely on. - It's double duty, but it can't be helped. - No problem. You will answer only to me. You will be my eyes and ears in the Section... and you will carry out my instructions to the letter. Our first priority is to ensure that there is not another Kronen in Section... waiting to go berserk. So, you will initiate a full review of all personnel evaluation procedures. - That's already been done. - Good. Next, I want to ensure that all activities in Section... come under my direct control. Starting with Walter. I am told that he likes to work on his own secret projects. I want to know what they are. I don't want to spy on my friends. Kronen shoots the Section commander in plain view. Sykes complains about mission design. Walter works on unauthorized projects. Section is out of control. It has to stop. I need to feel certain that Walter won't be harmed. If you want to protect your friend Walter, you will do as you're told. You scared me. - I didn't think anything scared you, Walter. - Get out of here. Still thinking about Kronen? It bothers me that I didn't see it coming. Nobody did. The day before, I was trying to brief him on the new laser sight... and he kept talking about his mother. His mother? Anytime anyone in this place starts talking about "Mom"... you know he's got problems. So what else are you working on? I'm in position. Gufeld should be in the lobby in about 30 seconds. Sykes, report. Sykes? I'm in position. Target in sight. Sykes, disarm security. Sykes, you opened the wrong box. Mr. Gufeld, would you have a look at this, please? This way. Sykes, hurry up. It's jammed. Michael, hold. Sykes? I got it. Go, Michael. Damn it. Security proceed west, immediately. What's going on? May I see your ID? Keep walking. Sorry, gentlemen, no one's allowed to leave right now. Everyone get down. - Conference in Paris? - The briefing's at 9:00. The meeting with Hurley? Bosnian protocols could make that awkward. I suggest we push it back a week. - And the Gantzway mission? - All elements satisfactory, except Sykes. He failed to disconnect the alarm. And what about our friend Walter? Did you find out what he's up to? A remote surveillance mike. New type. Counter-synchronous. - Seems harmless enough. - Excellent, Nikita. I'm very pleased with your work. However, I do have one more assignment for you tonight. Volare is at the east end of the park. You know it? Be there at 8:00. Dress appropriately. Someone will be meeting you. He will know you. What are you doing here? Petrosian sent me to meet someone. Why? I imagine it's part of his full life that he's promised me if I work for him. Am I under orders to please you? Of course... not. He can make it easier for us. We could have a chance to spend more time together outside Section. I wouldn't put too much trust in him. If I'm dealing with the Devil... it's because sometimes the Devil's the only one open for business. But that's not the problem, is it? Michael, it bothers you... that I have so much more power now. You don't like it. Maybe it even makes you a little uncomfortable. No. Shall we just have a drink? No more games. No promises, just a drink. Can you hear me? I'm sorry. It should have been anticipated. The doctors say your progress is slow but steady. Live. I trust last night's assignment was satisfactory? - Yes. - Good. Gufeld is in the white room ready for questioning. Interrogate and dispose of him. - Of course. - Then report back. Who are you people? You worked on something called R-1. I want the location of the research facility. I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Gufeld, I'm in a hurry, so I'll make this quick. If you don't tell me the location, I'll have to have you killed. If you do tell me, I'll let you go. You'll let me go? If we get what we need, there's no reason to hold you. The people I worked for- Threatened to kill you if you ever told what you knew? Yes. No problem. We'll protect you. Do you promise? Of course. It's in northern Iraq... near the Turkish border, just outside Zakho. Thank you. I have the location, mission profile's being developed now. Good. - So, is that all right? - Yeah, all right. You can't have sympathy with another person's weakness. You must use the weakness to control the person. Of course. Everyone has a weakness, whether it is status... love of praise, a lover, a mother... or simply the desire to go on living. You find a weakness, you control the person. You understand? I think I'm beginning to. Good. Birkoff. I need a favor. Personal favors are against regulations. Walter said we're all living by the book now. Even Petrosian's little pet. Wrong, Birkoff. Petrosian's little pet gets what she wants. What they did to Walter will look like a foot massage... compared to what I'll do to you if you mess with me. - Now, it's about Kronen. - He shot Operations. I need you to find out everything you can about his mother. She lives in Brazil with five kids. Kronen's siblings. She got thrown out of work about a year ago, lived on the street. - Then everything changed. - Changed, how? She moved into a condo about a month ago. Nice neighborhood, servants. The money? - Legitimate bank accounts. - Source of the funds? Untraceable. What's going on? As far as you're concerned, nothing. The mission leaves tomorrow night. The bio-weapons plant will be destroyed in 30 hours. - Red Team? - Michael, Sykes, Pelham, Vronsky. No, not Sykes. He has been weak for some time now. I have decided to cancel him. - I'll see to it. - No. - You will do it personally. - Why? I have told you before, Nikita, compassion is a weakness. You have to be able to kill without a moment's hesitation. But I've killed so many people that I've lost count. Yes, in combat. But this is different. This is a man whose only crime... has been the failure to live up to the standards of Section. I have to know that you can kill him, too. For me. Do it the old-fashioned way, face to face. And, Nikita... don't try to deceive me. Of course not. I knew this was coming for a while now. I never thought you'd be the one to do it. I always thought you were one of the good ones. Do what you have to do, Nikita. Do it! It's time we had a talk. - Petrosian has to be stopped. - Why? He hired Kronen to make the hit on Operations. What makes you say that? Kronen's mother was destitute, Petrosian saved her. The price was the hit. - The mother's now- - Living like a queen in Brazil. - I saw the file. - Good for you. - It could have been tampered with. - By whom? Somebody who wants to turn me against Petrosian. You, for example. Petrosian is a murderer and worse. Why should he be any worse than Operations? Don't be a child. If Petrosian consolidates his grip on Section... he will start a reign of terror like you've never seen. - Why should I believe you? - I'm telling you the truth. The trouble is, Madeline, the puzzle palace you created... tends to let the truth fall through the cracks. The file you saw was real. Then use it to bring him down. It's circumstantial, his friends are too powerful. We have to find another way. Choose, Nikita. Are you on Petrosian's side or ours? I don't take orders from you anymore, Madeline. - Sykes has been handled. - Yes. I just got a message from housekeeping. The doctors tell me that Operations is improving. I hear he's going to be moved soon, to a hospital in a Geneva. Won't be long before he's back running things. And I'll be gone. - And I'll be at the mercy of Madeline. - Mercy's not exactly her strong suit. Still, what is to be done? Kill him. Do you have any idea what you're saying? Operations built Section with his own blood and his own pain. And you want to murder him in his sickbed? He is past. You are the future. Yes. It would be convenient for both of us... if he were out of the way. Yet not long ago you were reluctant to kill Sykes. Now you are ready for this. There is no choice. It's now or it's never. Or perhaps you are setting a trap. You never lied to me... you made promises and kept them. That's not true of Operations... Madeline, Michael, or anyone else in here. With you, I have a chance at life. Without you... I have nothing. In that case... you should be willing to kill Operations yourself... - with your own hand. - All right. It would be best if we were not seen together in the aftermath. I will have certain arrangements to make. The sooner the better. It must be done during tomorrow night's mission... when everyone else is occupied. Hentgen, report. The final charge is set. Withdraw. Twenty seconds to detonation. Evacuate. Evacuation sequence in progress. That was easy. - Birkoff, what's going on? - I don't know. Find out. And don't lose touch with the team. The team is fine. The problem's internal. Looks like the backup matrix might have bled into the primary circuit... but I don't see how. I'll go check on Systems. - Do you want the symbol tables? - Yes. Hold those. Raise me another 20%. Somebody turn the alarm off. - What happened? - I couldn't do it. He's lying there so helpless. I was wrong about you, you're weak. I will find someone else. No, you won't. You don't understand power. You're finished. Vitamin B. You have many influential friends, Egran... but even they won't be able to explain this away. We did so many missions together. We were good. The best. I often wondered what would happen if we went head-to-head. Now we know. Still, it was close. Your timing was excellent. I was overcommitted, careless. If only Kronen had been a better shot. I don't suppose for old times' sake... you could find me a deep-cover assignment in some backwater... never to be heard of again. I'm afraid not. If word got out, discipline would be compromised. Then let us not prolong things. Though I do have one last request. If it is still the custom for one to be granted to the condemned man. Within reason. Shake my hand. With pleasure. Hi, Walter. He'll forgive you eventually. After all, in the end, you did save Section. Did I? I think it's pretty clear. Operations is a better choice than Petrosian. Better for who? If you had doubts, why did you side with us? Petrosian was willing to give me a life... as much as one can have inside Section. But in order to get it, I lied, I bullied... and, who knows, eventually I might have even... killed in cold blood. In other words, I found out what it's like... to be you. And you didn't like it. No, I didn't. Power is addictive, Nikita. You've had a taste. It's in your blood now. You're wrong. You'll be back. It's only a matter of time. But there'll be one difference. The next time... I'll be waiting for you. Once upon a time... no... no... that's not the way to start... you'll think this is a fairytale... and it isn't. It has elements of a fairytale... dragons... elves... griffins... fairies and so on... And it has magic! Now in my day... magic was much more commonplace. Oh, well, all things change... the arrow of time points in one direction only... so... where should I begin? Well, it's obvious... I should start at the beginning... Loose your arrows! Those were terrible years of darkness King Constant... was the first Christian king of England. You're all prisoners... no mercy... no treasures... let the whole world die... if I die. Vortigern is here! Traitors! King Vortigern... he's had all the prisoners slaughtered! I curse you all... Deaths came so easily then... and one tyrant... smoothly passed the crown to another... even worse. Civil war tore the country apart... then the Saxons came. Christian churches were... destroyed and defiled. So were the sacred places... of the old pagan religion. The followers of the old ways... cried out in their agony. There was only one being... who could save them... and she would come out... of the land of magic. I got your message, sister... I've come to a great decision... Ohh... I don't like the sound of your voice... when you say that, sister. I'm going to create a... leader for the people... a powerful wizard... who'll save Britain... and bring the people back to us... and the old ways. It'll be too much for you, Mab. It'll drain you of what power... you still have. If I don't do it... we'll die. If people stop believing in us... we won't exist. The new religion has already... pushed us to the brink... soon we'll be forgotten. All things change, sister. It's sad... but heaven... hell... and the world move on... it's fate. I won't accept it... I'll fight! Will you help me? No... you forget... I'm the Lady of the Lake... I'm made of water. Now, everything's flowing away from us... and I accept it. I'm sorry, my maiden. Then... I'll do it... myself. Fricke... you heard that, Fricke? Yes, but I'm afraid madam... that your sister's rather... shall we say... indecisive when it comes to making decisions. She never really gave you... the backing that you deserve. We're on our own. We'd better get started. Well, don't you think you should... at least wait a couple of days... to build up your strength? No time! Our world is dying! He's magnificent! Now... I have to give him... life! It's a beautiful boy! Please, look after my baby. I beg you... I beg you. It's alright, my dear. Swear it! I'm dying... I Swear. I'll take care of your child. Let me see the child. I name this child... Merlin. While you're making gestures... save the mother... she's dying. No, she's not... she's dead. Sleep easy child... may angels fly thee home. What's your excuse? Why didn't you save her? She'd served her purpose. Served her purpose? You are so cold... If I were to punch you in the heart... I'd break my fist. And, to think I used to serve you... in the old ways. Then you changed... you became a Christian. Who told you that... huh? that snooping, smiling, blatherskite... I follow my own heart... that's religion enough for me. Why do you allow her to talk to you like that, madam? Because, she needs me, idiot. Why do I need you, Ambrosia? To take care of this child I can take care of it Tricks! You need more than|tricks to bring up a child. You need patience... understanding... love... most of all you need love. You used to have that once... no more. So... what have you decided? The child stays with you... but remember... he's only half human. He belongs to me. He's my son. I will send for him... when the time is right. Ambrosia was like a tiger protecting me... Get out of there... and stay out! She was the bravest, kindest, person I ever knew. I called her Auntie A but she was really a mother to me. Have you ever noticed... when you're miserable... time seems to slow to a crawl? On the other hand... when you're happy... My childhood must have been very, very happy... for it was over in a flash. Please, excuse their rudeness... we're traveling to Lord Lambert's castle and we've lost our way. It's about a mile... take the right fork... but don't try any shortcuts. It's dangerous, and you can get lost. Thank you, sir... What can we offer you as a reward? A kiss... Do you know who you're talking to? This is the lady, Nimue... Lord Ardente's daughter. She asked me what I wanted... and I told the truth. And I think it's a fair price. My name's Merlin. Mine's Nimue. And I think you're a very rude young man! I'll never forget you, Nimue. We'll meet again... I can see it. I don't think so, Master Merlin. Nimue... I'd warned Nimue not to leave the path... but she was very headstrong, even then. well, I suppose all young people are... She went off on her own. - Nimue| - Merlin Help me! Help me! Don't struggle... you'll only sink deeper... stay calm... take hold of the branch I can't reach it... after all these years... I still remember how it was. I felt the power in me... - grow -grow|- grow -grow Grow now! Keep hold of it... That's it! You're safe now. I told you we'd meet again. How did you do that... with the branch? I don't know. Well, whatever it was... you saved my life. You deserve another kiss. Auntie A! I've seen her... the most beautiful girl in the world... the only girl I'll ever love... I know it! And she loves me and... and we'll love each other, always. What are you babbling about? You're dripping wet... take your clothes off. I'm a hero too... I saved her! Oh, yes... saved who... from what? Nimue... Nimue... she's the daughter of some lord. she fell into a mud hole... and I saved her. That's very brave of you, my dear. The extraordinary thing|was how I saved her... I had this branch... somehow, I made it grow. I know it sounds impossible but I said "grow, grow," and it grew! What's the matter, Auntie A? I... I... need to sit down... Tell me what's the matter? It's the moment I've been dreading... all these years. It's time for you to leave. Leave? I don't understand... You were created by Queen Mab... you have no mortal father. There's magic at work here... and now, she wants you to join her. I won't! You have no choice, my dear. You can't fight it... not yet. He's talking to me... he says I have to go with him. This will keep you warm... on cold nights. - Auntie A - No, no, no... keep your chin up. Magic has no power over the human heart. I love you, Auntie A. Go. And you can tell her royal, high and mighty Queen Mab... that magic, or no magic... if she harms you, in any way... I'll have her guts for my bootlaces! It was very strange... and yet, it wasn't. Half of me felt... all this was the most natural thing in the world. I suppose I'm to get into the boat? that feeling inside... was growing stronger, and stronger. I was coming home. Sorry, I'm late... ship left without me. Dreadfully rude, really. Well, coming aboard? Who are you? Shhh, I've got to concentrate... these are treacherous waters... strong currents... unseen rocks. Follow me... follow me... Don't get lost... don't get lost... This way, if you will, Master Merlin. Your Majesty... well, I mean, I'm rather pleased... to present... - Merlin -Yes - Merlin -Yes You've come at last. Do you know who I am? Queen Mab Yes... You've grown handsome, and true... I did well when I created you. This is Merlin... Who comes to save us... He will bring the people back... to the old ways. Why am I here? To learn! I will teach you to become... the most powerful wizard in the world. Why? To lead mortals back to us... and the old ways. What if I don't want to be a wizard? It's your destiny. Remember that branch... and how you made it grow? That's why you're here... to learn. Oh, Merlin... Merlin! You'll soon know... the power that is in you. and when it is unleashed... you will hold this world... in the hollow of your hand. All the magic of the universe... and all the spells you will ever need... are in these books, Merlin. If I'm half mortal... will I die? In the fullness of time... we cannot change that. But... we can change form. But, it is only an illusion... particularly, in his case. Sometimes... we can see into the future... This is you... as you will be. Will I grow that old? Have a care, young Merlin. Sorry, sir. Oh, but you're right. Try and stay as young inside... as you are now. That's another thing to watch out for... young Merlin... don't start giving advice. Frik! It's your turn. Now, Master Merlin... there are three classes of magic... three stages of progression... to full wizard status. The first, and lowest stage... is wizard by incantation. Abracadabra! Dove, and chalk! The second stage wizards... are hand wizards. Whose magic is performed... by gestures of the hands, and fingers. The third, and highest stage of wizardry... the supreme exponents... are wizards of pure thought. Who need no words, nor gestures... but by their will alone... test the heavens. Of course, only the most... supremely gifted personages... become wizards of the third stage. Oh, get on with it! Yes, madam. Any questions? I studied day and night... and learned of those unseen forces... that hold this world together. Learnt the secret ways of other worlds, that exist beneath the surface... and behind the mirrors. Now, you try it. Must I? Yes! Right hand, sir. Right hand. Now, Master Merlin, put it out... Left hand! Concentrate. That happened... because you didn't concentrate! Well, how is he doing? Did you read my report, madam? Yes, yes... but I want your personal impressions. Well, I mean, I rather think... he's got the ability. He could... indeed... be the greatest. Ahh... I knew it! But he never will be... He can't get past being a hand wizard. He doesn't want to do it. In his heart... he doesn't like magic. He doesn't like it? I... I... know it sounds shocking... but if... that's the way it is. Isn't it? Well, we've got to make him like it! I have work for him to do. Well, the truth is... He wants to go home. Home? Home? Why did you call me, Merlin? I didn't. You did. Who are you? The Lady of the Lake... How are you getting on... with my sister, Mab? We two don't get on. Why? I don't approve... of what she's been doing... creating you, and... letting your mother die like that. She let my mother die? Oh, dear... I shouldn't have told you... but it just slipped out. I'm going home. You should... your Auntie Ambrosia is very ill. Oh, Master Merlin... Where is he? He's on his way home... to that viper-tongued witch, Ambrosia. How can he get across the lake? My dear sister... Oh. If I may say so, madam... it really would help matters... if you two could agree to... When I want your advice... I'll ask for it, Frik! As you wish, madam. What are you going to do? I'm not going to lose him. Where is he? So... here you are again. You're still a chip off|the iceberg, I see... Oh, please... don't bother to knock. Where's Merlin? You've lost him, haven't you? I must say, it's typical. You've been sliding down the ladder... of success so quickly|these last few years... you must have got|splinters in your backside. Don't provoke me, Ambrosia... I'm in no mood for your jibes. I'm anxious about him, too. You should have taken better care of him... He'll be here... he's heard you're ill. I'm not ill... I'm dying. When he comes... you must send him back. Can't you make him come back? It's better... that you tell him his place is with me. No, I won't do that. Do you defy me? Of course, I defy you... I've always defied you. Why? It's my nature. When my boy comes here... I'll say not one word. He'll do what's in his heart. Now, see what you made me do? Ambrosia? Ambrosia? What is it? You tell me... you're the mistress of magic. Auntie A... Dear boy... you've come back. - What's wrong? - Nothing... everything's as it should be. Merlin... remember... only listen to your heart. You killed her... No, I didn't. just like you killed my real mother. No... I only let her die. You haven't the power to strike me. Watch my power grow... That was very good, Merlin... I'm impressed. I'll never forgive you. I'm sorry about your mother, and Ambrosia. but they were casualties of war... I am fighting to save my people from extinction. I don't care if you die, and disappear. I will... unless I fight, and win. I'll never help you. You will... I'll make you. I swear on Ambrosia's grave... and the grave of my mother... I'll only, ever use my powers... to defeat Queen Mab. On this, I swear. And thus, I set my course... I knew Mab had hurt me, but right from the start... she believed she could make me break my oath. After all... part of her was in me. So, she waited, patiently... in the shadows... for the time when she could strike, and make me see the error of my ways. So, the world turned... and turned again. The rain fell on the just, and unjust, alike. Men and women were cut down like wheat, to be born again... strong. Mab had to wait years, but it didn't matter. Those years passed as if in seconds, and then she found a way, of making me break my oath. It's a prime position for a new castle... don't you think? Lord Ardente... it will be impregnable. You're Majesty, no army can take it. Not even Uther's. My Lord Uther is in Normandy, sire. My spies tell me he's raising an army... and getting ready to sail for England... he wants to kill me. I don't blame him... I killed his father, King Constant. King Constant was a tyrant... not unlike myself. Yes, sire. No... no, Sire. No... no... You don't sound very convincing, my lord. What I'm interested in is... in case we'd have to fight... whose side would you be on... his or mine? I have always been loyal to your majesty... I've pledged my entire army to you. True... up until now. The trouble is... I don't trust anyone. I want guarantees... You have my word, Sire. It's not good enough... I'm keeping your daughter, Nimue... just to be sure. Guards! This is outrageous, Sire! I'm sorry. King Vortigern... whatever you do to me... my father will do what is right. Of course, he will... if you stay loyal to me... she'll be safe. But if you betray me... I will kill her, myself. Father... Father! How does it go? Progress? Fine, Sire... fine... the linnets on the west side... need bolstering. Run for your lives! Tell me roughly... what happened? I don't know, Sire... Guards! Take him away! It shouldn't have done that... it's the linnets. I'm sure it's the linnets. Get me a different architect! Hey you! You... why won't it stand? I'm a soothsayer, your Majesty... not an architect. If you were a soothsayer... you should know. Tell me why it is... that every time I try|to rebuild a tower... it collapses! Ah, well... yes, indeed... ahh... mmm? you think I should know that, sire? - Yes - Yes, yes, well... I'll read the stones... Then, read them! Oh, I will, Sire... I will... that's something I do very well, Sire... very well. Why is it... that I surround myself with... a bunch of incompetent fools? I've been a worshipper of the old ways... all my life. Now... that life is in danger. And it's a precious life... it's mine! I've never had any real help... no... not never! Ohh... what am I going to do? I've no idea why his tower keeps falling down. The land is cursed... You've appeared! You appeared after all these years! It is... it is... Queen Mab! Yes... old man... - oh, Majesty! - the land is cursed... neither tower, nor castle will stand. So, what do we do? You... must find a man... who has no mortal father... and mix his blood with the mortar. Oooh... ahh... splendid! But... ummm... a man who has no mortal father... hmm... where can I find a man like that? I will show you... Seize that man! Welcome to my home, sir. What can I do for you? I'm the king's soothsayer. important position... Ohh... and a fragile one. I'm the third royal|soothsayer this year. Vortigern gets through|them at an alarming rate. He gets through everything|at an alarming rate. It seems to be holding. It will hold this time, your majesty... never fear. - Never have - Good... good... The foundations are as solid... You were saying...? Your majesty... your majesty... I've found him... the man without a mortal father. This better not be one of your tricks. No... no... no Sire. It's all true. Well, there's only one way to find out... get a bowl... cut his throat. Do it now! What's the matter with you? He's a wizard... He doesn't look like much of a wizard to me. I never did anything to you... why do you want to cut my throat? It's nothing personal... I have to mix your blood... with the mortar for the castle. This old fool tells me... it's the only way... to make the building stand. It's easy to die... knowing you'll die for your country. If I may I first offer some advice... your majesty's in danger of seeming... a little stupid. What did you call me? Stupid This man thinks he's me! Why would you call me stupid? Because, it's obvious... why you can't build a castle there. Look! I'm looking... I don't see anything. Can't you see the stream? It runs into a great cavern below. The water's here, I swear! I can see it. We can all... You wanted to build my castle on water? That's not all that's wrong. You work on the dragons... Dragons? What dragons? I see two dragons... one red... one white. My crest is a white dragon. It's an omen... wouldn't you say, sir? What else did you see? The red dragon... conquered the white. It's an omen... wouldn't you say, Sire? Could be an omen. Your Majesty... Prince Uther has landed... from Normandy... with a great army. He's marching on Winchester. You foresaw all this... I see things unknown. Gather my armies! We march on Winchester! I've been fighting my enemies... for fifteen years. Every time I crush one... another one takes his place. Will it ever end? Perhaps, you need me to|foretell the future... then you could crush them all... before they get a chance... to cause trouble. Of course, then you wouldn't... be able to cut my throat. You're an extraordinary man... but I can't have extraordinary men... running around. You're not quick enough... that's a mistake many of my enemies make... they think before they act... I act before I think. That's my advantage. And you... you're out of a job. Ohh... yes, sir. Tie the wizard. Come on, quick... before he changes his mind. Open the gates Throw him in. Frik! Ah, Frik! How are you doing? Overworked, and underpaid... how terribly sweet of you to inquire. You're in serious trouble this time, Master Merlin. How did they ever make vulgarian like Vortigern king? You mortals have no sense of the... fitness of things. Quite appalling. Anyway, I'm here... with a message from Mab. Naturally... She's going to punish you. She hates me. No... but she's rather disappointed... that you've refused to use... your magic power. I swore an oath on Ambrosia's grave, Frik. But why won't you use them, Master Merlin? Because Mab wants me to. You will in the end, you know. You're half human. She's a terrible enemy, Master Merlin... and a very poor employer. Well, I mean, I could tell you stories... but enough of my problems. Merlin... Merlin... Merlin? Nimue... It is you, Merlin. Nimue... what are you doing here? I'm a hostage... Vortigern wants to make sure... that my father doesn't join Prince Uther. Why... was he going to? No... but he doesn't trust anybody. It's dangerous being here... no one knows who he'll strike down next. Seems I said the wrong thing... I told him Uther would defeat him. I hope you're right. What is the matter? Are you ill? No... no, it's just... I... uhh... I need space to breathe... these four walls are suffocating me. Nimue... I've never forgotten you... all these years. I've always remembered you, Merlin. Uther has captured Winchester... he's unstoppable. I'll stop him! I didn't send for you... That's why I'm here... I've killed men for such insolence - and women? - and children... I'm trembling... What makes you so brave, woman? Knowing that if you hurt me... my father and his men... will join Uther. Alright... you're here now... so... what is it you want? Merlin... the wizard... he's sick. Get him a physician. There is no cure, but his freedom. I cannot give him that. Then he'll die. We all die... eventually... even... wizards. but if he does... you will not know about the battle. He has had another vision. Don't you want to know... how to win? I now have... the strongest army... Britain has ever seen. It may not be enough, your Majesty. Uther and his men... follow the Christian way. I thought they didn't believe in killing. Oh, they'll kill in a holy cause... and destroying you... is a holy cause. How convenient... they kill when it suits them. Like the rest of us, Sire. When... will he attack? Not before the spring... Good... we'll use winter as our ally. We'll take him by surprise... Merlin! I need your help. How are you? I know I've been a little hot-tempered... patience is not one of my virtues. Well, you have so few of those... I wouldn't concern myself... about that one, too much, Sire. How can I help you? Can Uther be defeated? I dreamed of battle... near Winchester. but I couldn't see how it ended... I was too weak. Dream it again... I want to know who wins. And I want fresh air, and light. without them I cannot... dream dreams, and see visions. Is that all? 'Way over there... beyond those hills... is an island, called Avalon. Joseph, of Arimathea... came there from Jerusalem... with the Holy Grail... the cup our lord, Jesus Christ, used at the holy supper. It has the power... to feed the hungry... and heal the sick. But the Holy Grail was lost to us. Many men search for it... but no one has ever seen it, since. But one day... a man with a pure heart will find it. and peace, and happiness... will return. That's a lovely story... and so are you. Oh... they hurt... memories... memories of love, they hurt. Our world was tearing itself to pieces... I didn't care... those were truly... the happiest days of my life. Are you really a wizard? A hand wizard... You mean... there's magic in your hands? Yes... Well, for one thing... hands can say so much more than words. They can... umm... welcome... beg... pray. They can... hands can even... If only we could keep everything as simple... as the roundness of the moon. Look at it's simplicity, Nimue. Everything equal... no part more important than the rest. I thought you weren't going to do any magic... Oh... that wasn't magic... magic is real. That was... just a trick. Open the gate... open the gate... Hail, Vortigern... king of Britain. I am Mab... queen of the old ways. What brings you here, madam? I can tell you how to defeat Uther. What will this alliance cost me? There's a price to everything. The wizard... Merlin... I want him. He is too valuable to me... he sees things... he has visions. Anyone can have visions... don't you see visions? Don't you see yourself... winning? Yes... but I don't see... why you would want to help me. I would rather see you on the throne... than Uther! I don't believe in your old ways. You... you... don't believe in anything. I believe in me. That's not enough to make us win. I understand... Uther will bring Christianity to the people... and that will be the end of you. Alright... I'll give you the wizard... tell me, how do I defeat... Uther? Sacrifice Nimue to the great dragon... That's not so easy... Ethics...? Politic. Ahhh... I can't do that... she's my hostage. It keeps her father loyal to me. Urgent news, your Majesty... Lord Argent has defected. He's joined Prince Uther. How convenient... Mab! For both of us! The girl dies! Let Merlin watch... Nimue! Nimue! Run for your lives... The dragon! My Nimue... Very good, Merlin. Very good... Like Joseph of Arimathea... I went to Avalon... not with the Holy Grail, but... but with something much more precious to me. Sisters... Take care of her, please... she's very badly hurt. Whilst the monks prayed... and I thought of revenge... the nuns were more practical. They used their knowledge... of ancient herbs, and potions... to try and save... my only love. Merlin... umm... uhh... she's very badly wounded. The sisters are doing all they can, but you must pray with us. Why should I pray to your God... if he is going to take her from me? But this is not God's work... No, you're right... it isn't. Do you know who did it? Oh, yes... I know... Mab... Mab! Mab... Do you hear me, Mab? Yes, Merlin... You destroyed everyone I love... my mother... Ambrosia... and now, Nimue. The end justifies the means. I did it for you. I want you to use the power in you. Rise up, dear, dear, Merlin and... and be great. No... Mab... I'll destroy you for what you've done to me. You can't, Merlin... I'll always be too strong. I'll find a way. I WILL FIND A WAY! Never... Not ever! Shh... don't try to speak... save your strength. Don't... don't turn your face to the wall... Nimue... Please, go out... The important thing is... you are alive. Nimue... I have to go away for a little while. When I come back it'll be forever. You'll always be beautiful to me. My Lady of the Lake... It is I... Merlin. I need help... For what purpose... Merlin... To defeat Vortigern... he's Mab's ally... and a tyrant. Good king... bad king... you judge too easily, Merlin. You'll learn... I give you... EXCALIBER! I heard the sword's song... and it was beautiful. Now... armed with the sword of the just... I was going to face another dragon. a red one... It was Uther's crest, and... I was about to make it supreme... if he'd let me. You're welcome to Winchester Castle, Merlin. Oh, are you Merlin, the wizard? Wizard... We're Christians here, sir. We don't believe in your blasphemy. Well, that's you're choice, sir... but pagan or Christian... I hope you believe in fresh news. Well... is it good or bad? That depends how you use it. Vortigern will attack you within days. No one fights in winter... It isn't done! Rules of War: we fight in summer... we rest in winter. Vortigern isn't interested in rules, and traditions... he wants to win. And if circumstances were different... I would favour him. His army's already on the march... take it, or leave it. Why are you telling me this? Vortigern... is a friend of my enemy... Mab so my enemy's enemy... is my friend, and besides... I've already seen the red dragon defeat the white. And I think... that you might make a fair to decent king. Oh, you think so, do you? King Constant wasn't... you'll have to do a lot better... than your father. But I offer you my services... as a wizard. Merlin... I owe you an appology! You were right about Vortigern... What a fool... to fight in winter. Perhaps, I was the fool... thinking that winter would make me safe? We will be ready for him now. We must choose our battleground, Sire. Here... we fight him, here. You mean by the river...? On it... He has to come down here... through the pass, and cross... on his way to Winchester. What's that...? This is where you meet Vortigern... and crush him. Madam... Uther knows you're going to attack him. He's waiting for you... I wonder who told him I was coming? Merlin... The dragon didn't kill him? What about the girl? She's alive... So much for real magic... It doesn't matter... I never believed in it, anyway. You're a very brave man, Vortigern... but so stupid! You have to believe in something, now. Like what...? I've been king for twenty years... and I've never been defeated. I didn't use any magic... I did it with my bare hands. What is it? It'll protect you. What are you afraid of, Mab? The world is passing you by... leaving you behind. Kings... queens... old ways... new ways... they all come together in the end. I've never been afraid... and never will be. Ahh, Vortigern... Vortigern... it's your pride. Your pride condemns you. Lord Ardente... the traitor... you changed sides! LOOSE! I wish I could. CHARGE! Ardente... Are you going to use some of your magic on me, Merlin? I'll kill you any way I can Vortigern. And I will kill you... Only one tear was shed for Vortigern... and his pride had cast it away. He paid for it... with his life. That is a mighty sword. It is Excaliber... it can only be used by a good man... in a good cause. I understand... I thought... I could, now, spend time with Nimue. I thought Uther would be a good king. and so, help defeat Mab. but... I was never a good judge of men. I always expected too much of them. Cornwall... Your majesty... may I present my wife... the lady, Igraine... and my daughter. You are welcome to Pendragon, my lady... and... you. Morgan Le Fey, your majesty. Cornwall... would you... permit me to dance with your lady... after the feast? If your majesty pleases... Oh, yes... yes... it would please his majesty, very much. Merlin... Uther... Igraine... She's beautiful... isn't she? Beautiful and... somebody else's wife. But still beautiful... what does the rest matter. Are you really a wizard...? So they say... Do some magic for me. Do you wash behind your ears? Um... hmm... That's not real magic... it's a trick! Anyone can do it! Alright... you do it, then. There... you see? I did it! You were right... anyone could do it. Morgan...? Come on... He hardly had the crown on his head... before it began all over again. I decided to leave... let them stew in their own juices. Merlin... May I ride with you? Of course... I believe in you, Merllin. And I in you, Uther. How great is your power? Can you make a woman love me? No... magic can't create love. Could you kill her husband? Igraine... I want her, Merlin. more than I've ever wanted... anything in the world. Well, you can't have her... Do you know what love is? Yes, Uther... sad to say... I know what love is. Give me Igraine... She's not mine to give. Then... I'll take her... even if it means war! It will... So be it! I have Excaliber. Very well... give me the sword. I shall make a spell. Who... dares... wake... me? I am Merlin... and this... is Excaliber. Where... did you get it? A gift... from the Lady of the Lake. She has been a friend of mine... since before the dawn of time. If I can remember that... it means that I'm an old man. I ask you to hold Excaliber for me... until a good man comes to take it from you. Then... I will be holding it forever... if not longer. You tricked me, Merlin! Come, come... Uther... I'm a wizard... that's my business. The sword is yours... if you can take it. Merlin? Where are you, Merlin? It's Avalon... journey's end, Sir Rupert. I certainly hope so. You know... we're not as young as we used to be. Quite... quite... Come on... old friend. I'm not ready for you to see me. Let me be the judge of that. I'm a monster... I can't... Mab is too strong. Leave this place and come with me. I'm not ready to face the world. When will you be ready? I don't know. Three months siege... and we still havn't taken it. There's no way across the causeway, Sire... my advice to you is give it up. It is madness... I... I must have Igraine... As one who's been to? , Sire... As one who knows a few things... I have to tell you... the kingdom is falling apart... whilst we tear ourselves to pieces. If this was for money... or love... or power... I could understand it. But all this for... Cornwall's wife! ? ! You were born old, Boris. You've never known what it is... to lust after a woman. I've spent all my life fighting... Bloody days, and cold nights... with a naked sword as my bedfellow. You'll never take Tintagel. Look! Hundreds are dead because... you have an itch. You helped cure me of that itch...? You've lost your reputation, Uther. A reputation's like glass... once cracked... it can never be repaired. Will you help me? I don't know you anymore... you've become another Boris. You'll devour the world in you lust. You help me... Yes, I'll help you. I have to be mad to stop this madness. What will it cost me? You will have the lady, Igraine... there will be a child... a boy... I've seen him, Uther. He's mine. Uh, what will you do with him? Teach him honour, and goodness... I can do that... Honour, and goodness... the words stick in your throat. You choke on them... just as you'll choke on... your vomit in the end. Very well... I agree. Cornwall will not be harmed... Not by me... Now break camp... stay around me... now and daylight... while Cornwall can see you. Uther's breaking camp... We'll follow him. Don't leave, my lord... Why not? I have a feeling that's... The castle's well guarded... You will be safe, my love. Look after you mother, eh Morgan? I will, Father. And on... Remember, Uther... you only have until the morning. The night is your friend... use it. you don't approve... Of course, I don't approve. The end justifies the means... Sir Rupert. Where have I heard that before? HIS LORDSHIP, CORNWALL APPROACHES... OPEN THE GATES! Open the gates... his lordship returns! My Lord... Back so soon, my Lord... Yes... yes... Uther's really gone. Mother... My place... is here with you. Mother... that's... You to go to bed, little girl... umm? Let me go... not... not another word. But I didn't say goodnight... Goodnight... goodnight... Things fall apart they say... Uther had betrayed me... killed Cornwall. But then... I betrayed Igraine... by helping Uther seduce her. So, the wheel of life turns... one betrayal leads to another... and another... the innocent die. It haunted me for the rest of my life. Frik... what are you doing? Writing fairy stories... so you'll be remembered. You don't need to do that... I'll not be forgotten. Well... Well? For us... Things are going rather well, for us. I can make sure... Hello... Morgan... Who are you? Shh... I'm a gnome! You're tall for a gnome... aren't you? Well... as a matter of fact... gnomes do, indeed, come in all shapes and sizes. I'm the tall kind. Can you do magic? Of course! Watch! Ahh, beautiful lady... I'm at your service. Your wish... is my command. Watch me swashbuckle... That's real magic... not tricks! Will you teach me how to do that? I certainly shall... if you do something for me. You're new baby brother... will be born soon. How terribly exciting... don't you think? He's not my real brother. The man who made him... wasn't my real father. Well, I mean... that's clever, Morgan. You'll make a wonderful pupil... for the fantastic things... I can teach you. What do you want me to do? Just put this stone in the baby's crib. Push... push... yes, yes, you're doing so well... just take my hand... take my hand... come on... come on... And so... Arthur was born. It's a boy! At last... a good man... a good king. You're easily fooled, Merlin. Uther fooled you when he killed Cornwall... now, his child is damned. The boy is mine! He'll be his father's son... because of him... the days of blood will go on and on. And out of it... the people will come back to me. I'll see you fade into nothing... Poor Merlin... wrong again. I'm winning! I can't stand the thought of people... peering, whispering, pointing, at me. We'll live in the forest. Animals don't point and whisper. But it's a dream, Merlin. I want to make it real. I've found a place here... and prayer... and meditation. It's a peace that I've never known before. It passes my understanding. To be honest, Nimue... it passes my understanding, too. Why do you shut yourself away here? To be nearer my God... The nearer you are to him... the further you are from me. Take off that veil... Well... where was I? Oh... yes... yes... Arthur... had just been born. I fostered him with Sir Hector. Do unto others... as you would them do unto you. I was his tutor. I didn't teach him magic... I taught him ethics... and morals. Arthur... which is much more difficult... believe me. His real father... King Uther... went mad... Kill the prisoners... and killed himself. That brings us up to date... I think. Arthur grew up to be a fine young man. Perhaps, as usual... I expected too much of him... but... he was the vessel of all my hopes. Arthur, don't charge around like that... the horses don't like it. And don't get off... we're leaving right away. Merlin, have you heard the news? - Rupert... - King Uther's dead! Didn't you hear what I said? The king is dead! - I know... - Know? How could you know out here in the woods? A little bird told me. Where are we going? To make you king! Merlin... tell me... how can I be king? Because, you were born to it... I've no royal blood in me! Merlin... Stand aside... this is a job for a man! That old windbag... look at him! If he's not careful, he'll do himself an injury! Arthur kept asking me... but I wasn't ready. The truth about his father... the death of Cornwall... my part in the whole squalid plot. No wonder I found it hard to tell him... besides... I was distracted. Griffins! Thank you... I did nothing... I wasn't talking to you. What was that? That... that was a message... from an old friend. Arthur wanted me to explain... - Why won't you tell me? He couldn't know... that explaining everything... settles nothing. Yes, it's... it's time. I hoped he'd understand my part of it. Arthur... you should know that... Sir Hector isn't your real father. Your father was King Uther... and you... are the true heir to the throne. It turned out better than I'd hoped. If I am Uther's only son... I want what's mine. I want to be king. When you are king... what then? Well... I... Whoa... whoa... What? What is it now? He has the right-of-way. You were saying... if you were king... I'd... do all the things that you taught me. I'd... build a... golden city... devoted to peace... and charity. What the world needs is... justice... compassion... more than charity. Still... Camelot sounds like a dream... worthy of a king! Come on, Rupert... Camelot! Camelot... Come on, Arthur! All the knights in Britain... have tried to take it. But it is the sword of the true king. It is yours, Arthur! Merlin... it seems you were here... only a moment ago. My lord... this man claims Excaliber. Who is it? Arthur... only son of Uther... and rightful king of Britain. Why give him the sword? He will betray the people... just as his father did. I don't know what I'll do... or what I'll become... only what I am. A wise answer... I had a wise teacher. You're destroying the old ways. You will be forgotten... just like the rest of us. That is your fear... not mine, Mab. I... cannot die. I am a rock of ages. I will live forever... on the edge of dreams. Take it now, Arthur. NOW... ARTHUR! The sword is yours! Excaliber! Excaliber... Look at him... Merlin. His reign begins in blood... it will end the same way. No, Mab... you're wrong... Arthur will heal the land! He has the sword... he has Excalibur! Long live the king! Don't you ever tidy, Frik? I try, your majesty... but I'm terribly overworked. I can't use imps, gnomes, or fairies... they're utterly useless... with anything practical. I mean, I have so much to do! And you'll have more... I've totally given up on Merlin... I thought... perhaps... despite everything... he might come 'round. Well, I mean, he's a stubborn creature, isn't he? I wanted him to... so I fooled myself. I've never know you to do that before... over anyone! Enough! Arthur's cursed... I want everyone to know in good time. And that will be your job... Frik! Uther was my cousin... I claim the throne by right! You did not pull the sword... Excalibur, from the rock! You all failed. My father is king by right of blood. That's better... isn't it, my lords? Now you can listen... instead of fighting. It should be a novel experience... for most of you. Uther had a son... I give you... Arthur... true king of Britain. Uther had no son! Everyone knows that... He did... Uther did have a son... When Uther conquered Tintagel... he took the lady, Igraine. A son was born. It's true... I was there. Arthur...? is Uther's son? If he is... let him draw Excaliber from the stone. I already have... Well... prove it! Prove that it is Excaliber. You do have Excaliber! You are Uther's son. I acknowledge you... my liege, lord, and king. And so do I! He has the sword... Accept him... Lot. Never! I'll not bend my knee to a boy... nor will my son. I can speak for myself, Father. He has Excaliber... he is the king. You'll go against your own father... The cause is just. And if it's not... and you're wrong? Then you'll have to kill me in battle. I'm the king's man, Father. So be it! My Lords... hard as it may be for you... think for a moment. We have seen too many wars. My mind's made up! Hello... Morgan. My... you've grown! Who are you? Don't you remember me I used to visit you... when you were very young. I remember you... I thought you were a dream. I'm real! You lied to me... you told me you'd make me beautiful... but you never did. I told you I'd make you beautiful... did I? Then I will! But first, it's time to put away... childish things. Why so sad? It's just a toy. Look at yourself... I'm beautiful... Very, very beautiful... I think... clothes cut in the Roman style... are the only gowns for... a lady of fashion. Oh... it's wonderful! Now... get me the throne. That's... beyond my powers. I'll tell you from personal experience... that elves are so short... that when it rains... they're the last to know. Because of their size... Frik... stop enjoying yourself... and get on with it! I've been thinking... Morgan... that there might be... a way of giving you what you want. Your son... could be king. Well, how? If Arthur defeats Lord Lot... he'll be king, and I can't marry him. You don't have to marry him... to have his son. We have the same mother... and underneath this charming and... devilishly handsome exterior... I'm a crabby, old gnome. Does it matter? Not a bit! You don't to have to seduce me... to win me over... like everyone else. I want... the crown. I like you, Morgan Le Fey. You're a truthful young woman. And I like you... Stand aside! The army is all it's ready size... going to be a bloody fight! Wait for my signal. He'll be killed! Merlin! What the devil does he think he's doing? There is no reason why men should... die today, my lord. The quarrel is between us. It is... This is Excalibur... the sword of the true king. If you believe you have a right to it... take it... and kill me. Forgive me, Arthur... I can feel it. The sword is yours. You are the true king! The war is over! Arthur is our true king... by blood and right. Here... in this circle... let us give thanks to our savior... for this deliverance. And let this circle be a symbol... of our purpose. Each man in it... is equal to the other. Each has a voice... and each will strive... to fight for truth and honour. Let us pray. I thought I'd finally achieved... one of my dreams. At last, there was a good king... on the throne. Your Majesty... may I present Lady Marie... queen of the border Celts... who comes to pay you homage. You are most welcome, my Lady. Lady... we are overwhelmed... by your gifts. Perhaps, I... and my servants... can join you for the night. We've had a long... tiring journey. And we'd like to rest... before we return home. Of course... we can spend some time together. You can... tell me about... your people. It will be my pleasure... your Majesty. What are you showing me, Mab? What have you done? I rode fast that day... but I knew I was already too late... to stop something... that could finish us all. Out my Lords... OUT! And close the door behind you. Merlin... what's the matter? Tell me the truth, Arthur... two nights ago you... slept with a woman. Yes... if you must know... I did. 'though I don't see why I need to tell you about it. That was Morgan Le Fey... her mother was the Lady Igraine... your mother! I didn't know... I swear I didn't know. There will be a child. Mab will see to that. He'll be the future... and he'll destroy us! A mirror... there are no mirrors in Avalon. You see how it can change you? You've changed me already... you've scarred me. I know... so unfair! Unfair? That was evil. With evil all around me... I can do nothing but evil to survive. Ohh, that's too easy! You can fight it... like Merlin. It's because of Merlin... that all this came about. That's not true! Why are you here, Mab? To make you an offer... I will restore your beauty... if you take Merlin... to a place that I have created for you. You can live with him there... until the end of your days. And be happy? And be happy. He has a destiny. It would keep him from his purpose. It would keep him from... wasting his life. He believes... that fighting for what is right... isn't a waste. I wouldn't do that to him. I love him. - I love him... - You hate him... I hate him, too. What's your answer? No! I'm... sorry... If you change your mind... just... call my name... out loud. I couldn't stay away for long. Arthur was more to me... than just a king. And, I was curious to see what was going on. Merlin... it's good to see you, old friend. What's all this, Arthur? A promise made flesh. I'm building the city of Camelot. It's a new beginning. I made a mistake that night with Morgan. But I can't believe that I will be condemned for all eternity for one mistake. Well, not by me. I'll never condemn you, Arthur. I'm to marry Lord Leo's daughter. Ah... do you love her? She'll make a splendid queen... and be a good wife. We hope to get married here at Camelot. It doesn't matter if it's not finished. Will you be there with me? I'd be honoured. What's her name... your bride? Guinevere. I was going to Tintagel castle. Perhaps, Arthur wouldn't have been so eager... to leave on his quest for the Holy Grail... if he'd known what a terrible... enemy he would leave behind... in Morgan Le Fey. Merlin... is here to see you, my Lady. Send him in... You hear that Mordred? There's a wizard come to see us. Won't this be fun? My Lady Morgan... do you know why I'm here? Say hello to my son, Mordred. Master Mordred... Hmm, that was rude, Mordred. You can do anything you like... but you must never be rude. Rude is being weak. You were saying, Merlin? Do you know why I'm here? Hmm, it's to do with my son. Hasn't he grown? Yes, he has... and rather more than is natural... I have to say. Hmm, of course... it's magic! Morgan... I beg you for the sake... of the country... you must not teach him the old ways. Oh, this country means nothing to me. A bastard sits on the throne... that should be mine. A bastard... begot in blood... when his father, Uther... seduced my mother... and killed my father. It's the future, I'm thinking of, Morgan. Oh, you would think of the future, Merlin. because the past is too painful. You choose Uther to be king. You helped him seduce my mother... and destroyed me. In the end... you... begot Mordred. Just as surely... as Queen Mab, and Arthur. I know that, but... I can live with it. Just as you have to live with the fact... that Mordred will be king. No... that can never be! Mordred! Merlin's a guest. Don't be naughty. He just wants attention. You'll get all you want... when you're king. And he will be, Merlin... he's Arthur's son. What about the old ways, Morgan? Well, you're in no position to lecture me on what I can or can't do. Besides... the old ways have been good to me. They gave me a son... and made me beautiful. Oh, poor Morgan... it's only an illusion. Beauty is always... only an illusion, Merlin. Didn't you know that? We thought we'd come in... the traditional way... through the door. It's traditional to open it, first. Mordred! Look who's here! Your Auntie Mab, and Uncle Frik! It's been ages, Master Merlin... Do you ever think of the old school... where I tried to teach you the... fundamentals of magic? He could have been my star pupil, Morgan... but he proved... disappointing. But you won't... will you, Mordred? Isn't he handsome? Handsome is as handsome does. What does that mean? I've never really understood the phrase... Toys... Mordred... Auntie always brings you lots of lovely toys. You see, Merlin... you took my family away from me... now... I have a new one. It won't last, Morgan... Nothing does... Can't you see it... feel it? I'm winning, Merlin. I have the precious gift of patience. It'll be years before Mordred can claim the throne... but I can wait. Time means nothing to me. You'll be the death of Arthur... and the end of all poor Merlin's dreams. Won't you, my sweetie? Oh! Look! The big, bad wizard can't do a thing! Run... run wizard! Merlin... you're troubled again. Still the same cry for help, Lady. You're sister, Mab, grows more powerful. And I grow weaker... What can I do? I... I have to find a man to guard the throne... while Arthur goes questing... for the Holy Grail. The temptation will be to seize the crown when he's gone. You need a man pure in heart. I've tried to find him before... he doesn't exist. The answer is at Joyous Guarde. My ship will take you. It was like a dream. A dream of a dream... the skies parted and I saw the dream come alive, before my eyes. That was... someday, they'll describe me, Arthur, Guinevere, and Camelot as a dream. Who are you? I am Merlin, the wizard. There aren't any wizards left. I'm the last of them. Who are you? Galahad... My mother is the Lady Elaine... and my father is Sir Launcelot. I've come here to find a man to defend King Arthur, and his kingdom. But he must be a good man... pure in heart. You've found him. It was all... too easy. You're sure this is what you want? It's not what I want... it's what you want. I can't hold you back. It's your chance for one last great adventure. I should have known. Galahad... protect your mother while I'm away. My Lords, Ladies, Knights of the realm... I shall leave soon, on a God-given quest for the Holy Grail. Now, I seek a champion... to protect our country, and the honour of our fair queen while I'm gone. I claim that honour, Sire. Gawaine, I hope that you don't win... you know I need you to come with me. You should have let me compete in the tourney, Sire. You're too old, Sir Boris. Of course, he's too old... but I'm not. Your Majesty... I wish to vouch for Sir Launcelot of the Lake. He wants to enter the jousts. So be it, Merlin. Aha! Gawaine, or this Launcelot! Launcelot of the Lake... takes the honours... He is the best... and the noblest of the knights. He's very handsome... isn't he? Yes... What did you say, my Lady? Nothing... Your Majesty? I offer you my sword... and my life. It is an honour, brave knight. As champion, Launcelot shall be How is he? Fair to middling, considering we haven't taken the lance out, yet. And why not? There is a dispute... uh... scholarly dispute... as to whether we take it out con or contra wise. Which means, to the mere layman, turning and pulling it to the left... or to the right... contra. Is there anything I can do for you, Sir Launcelot? Hold my hand, Lady. No, Tannen, pull conwise... the planets of Venus, and Uranus will be the dominant influences. You're physicians... instead of arguing... about it... do it! We must talk about it first. Indeed... these are weighty matters... fit only for experts. Trust us... if we treat a knight for a broken arm... that is what he'll die of. That's enough... enough! Launcelot? Are you ready, Sir Knight? Do it... Gawaine. Goodbye, Merlin. 'Bye, Arthur... come back to us. They left to chase dreams... shadows... but if I'd told them... they wouldn't have listened. And so, the years rolled on... one year merging into another... and another. If you five gentlemen don't stop trembling... I might miss, and kill you all. Less than perfect. That's enough, Mordred. You mustn't get carried away, my sweet. It shows lack of control. Why fire at Auntie Mab, and Uncle Frik? I do hope that the boy... is just having fun, and it's nothing personal. It's not personal... he likes you. I often wonder what he would do if he didn't like me. Stop fussing, Mother! Auntie Mab understands... don't you, Auntie Mab? Of course, I understand... you were testing yourself. Now, come and sit by me. You know you're my favourite, Mordred... but you have to channel your aggression. Against Arthur... Yes... always Arthur... and Merlin. You're looking pale, Mordred. You're not eating enough. I already have the strength of ten men. Listen to your aunt... Please do something about your hair. Very well, Mother. There's a good boy. The work is going much too slowly. but you keep on changing your mind, Sir Launcelot. First this, then that... I'm giving it my best try! Well, you've got to do better than that. How can I do better than my best? All alone, my Lady? Merlin is my faithful shadow. That's right, and proper. Why not you? You're my champion. Because when I'm near you, I can't control my heart. You're near me now. It's dangerous... - My Lady...? My Lady...? - Yes... Perhaps, we should be grateful for my shadow. What's wrong, Merlin? The walls are whispering, Guinevere. Can't you hear them? No... What are they saying? That you are too friendly with Sir Launcelot. Do you believe such whispers, Merlin? Ah, but I've seen how you two look at each other. I don't care what others think. I'm a queen! That is why you must take special care... I can't protect you in this matter. You look... beautiful... I should jump... throw myself from the battlement. Then I'll jump, too... I can't live without you. I don't believe it! Launcelot wouldn't... Auntie... you're looking extraordinarily pleased with yourself. What have you done? Is it terrible? Do tell... I'm sure it's perfect. I've made sure... Elaine knows that Launcelot... and Guinevere are lovers. How absolutely delicious! Isn't that... rather unworthy of us? Unworthy? Well, what does that mean, Mother? Ohh, I've forgotten... what does it mean? Yes... it is unworthy... but I don't like to be told, Frik. Frik... I warned you... you didn't listen. What's happened? Elaine... How did she die? She died of a broken heart... because of you. I'm sorry... I judged them too harshly. The blame was mine, too. I picked Launcelot, after all. I wish I'd told them that. It might have made it easier. Oh, great news... great news, Nimue! Arthur's coming home! Oh, thank God! Did he find the Holy Grail? No... but what of it? He's coming home. Holy Grail, or no Holy Grail... he should never have left. Merlin... he's free... he can start living his own life again. Yes... and it should be with you, my child. Your true vocation is Merlin. God doesn't want you when you love another. Umm... I... I shouldn't really say this... in these hallowed walls. Faith is supreme, of course... but love is even better. Careful, my dear... these steps are very slippery. where are we going? To my land... the land of magic. Can I create monsters? Ohh, if you wish. You're so good to me, Auntie. It won't all be fun, and games... Arthur's coming back. There will be things I have to teach you... Is Mother coming? No, we don't need her, anymore. Mab... where are you taking my son? It's time... without a word...? without a by-your-leave? I have to make him ready. You're not taking him! He's my son... He's mine! I gave him love... you gave him toys! I gave him life! I'm never letting him go. No! That was very clever, Auntie. My love... My love... Frik...? My love...? Am I still beautiful? Beyond words, my love... Am I? Oh... yes... beyond words. You killed her! Perhaps, she just slipped. In any case, what does it matter? You're holding us up, Frik. We have a lot to do! Mab! You evil, old crone! May God have mercy on your soul! He obviously didn't have any on the rest of you! Why is everybody suddenly against me? Frik! I'm leaving you... with your misery, and pain... but... with no more magic powers! Now... you will wander through the world... ugly and alone... just as if you were human. Goodbye, Frik... I'll miss you... No, I won't! Why didn't you kill him, Auntie Mab? Because, that's what he wanted me to do. Camelot! It's built! Sir Launcelot has kept his word. We have to ride in with our banners held high, Sire. You're right, Gawaine... Raise your banners, and your hearts, men! We're home! Where is everyone? Something's wrong, Sire. What's wrong here? Guinevere... Where is Merlin? Where's Launcelot? I'll tell you... Who the devil are you? Elegantly put... who the devil... yes, indeed. Who the devil... Well, don't you recognize me? No... should I? Ohh... I'm hurt! here... in my heart... not usually my most vulnerable spot. I recognize you... Father! I'm your long lost son, Mordred. Morgan Le Fey... is your mother. Not is, Father... was... she passed over into a better world. And she sleeps alone, at last. A great loss... one day, she was laughing, smiling... the next... gone! like a summer's breeze. In the midst of life, etc. etc. and so on, and so forth. It's why I'm here... I don't understand... to protect your interests, Father. You see, your interests are my interests. Whilst you were away on this great spiritual quest... to cleanse your soul... How should I put it...? you were being betrayed... MORDRED! - That's enough! - It isn't! So, come Merlin... let's speak the truth, at last... farces in the time... Father... Launcelot betrayed you with the queen. - What? - or should it be...? the queen betrayed you with Launcelot? No pretense... no point being pedantic... You were betrayed! Guinevere? This isn't the place to discuss this matter. Oh... I think it's the perfect place. Is it true? Arthur, you have just returned... we must talk calmly. - Guinevere, is it true? - Yes, it's true! Mordred, you have no right to be here. I have every right to be here. We all have. This isn't a private matter it concerns us all. How could you do that to me? Didn't you think of me at all? You left me alone for years... did you not think of me? What of my honour... finding out my husband had a child... by a woman named Morgan Le Fey? Good one... Oh, come, Father... this is becoming distressingly personal. When you're forgetting... it's a matter of state. Matter of state...! We are talking treason here... My Lords... I don't see it as treason... She betrayed me... and only me. That's enough. - No! - Sire, Mordred is right... you are the king... and that makes her adultery treason. Then we must condemn her to death! Do you really think we should do that? - It's the law! - It's harsh... It's meant to be. My Lords... This is a time when we should... temper justice with mercy. After all... your religion proclaims it. Let he who is not guilty of sin... cast the first stone. Now... I know I have been guilty in my time. and I suspect that... you have been, too. I must confess... I have sinned a little. So... we make excuses for her, because she's a queen. Because she is human. No... because she is Arthur's wife! Are we going back to one law for the rulers, and one for the ruled? Is that the way it is? Arthur? I thought Camelot was to be different. It is... Then, show the world you mean it! Merlin... What should I do? In the end... you must uphold the law. Guinevere... will be tried for treason. A splendid decision... both fair, and just, eh, Father? Now! Let's drink and enjoy ourselves I want you out of Camelot! But Father, I've only just arrived. I thought we could reminisce about old times, and play happy families. Stop him talking! You can't mean that, Father. I'm your beloved son... the crown prince, your one and only heir. I want you out of my sight. - Embrace me, Father... - Never! or I'll take what's rightfully mine. Guards! Seize him! Don't get up... I know my way out. I'm sorry, Father... but I'm going to destroy you. And this time, you pet wizard won't save you. Mab... I'm here, Nimue. You made me a promise, years ago... will you keep it? Yes... What made you change your mind? The king is coming home... Merlin is free to be with me. I've discovered all I want is Merlin. Will you agree to live with him... in a place that I choose? If you make me whole again. I have to warn you, Nimue... that if you go to this place... you can never leave it. Will he come to me there? Yes... he will. Then, do it, Mab! I've got to watch? The sin was mine... not hers. It's too late! Merlin... Launcelot... always left everything to the last moment. But then, my memory of Launcelot is that... he never got anything right. Thank God! And so Launcelot, and Guinevere... rode out of my story... and into legend. What's the meaning of this? You tricked us, Father... you pretended to condemn the queen to the stake... then you had her rescued... by your damned wizard! You hadn't even the courage... to set her free, yourself. That's true... I should have done it. One law for you... and another for the rest of us. We can't live like that! Do you hear? They can't live like that! I call upon all true-born Britains... to rally to freedom's flag! You caught me by surprise, Father. I know how that is... Nobles, the time for talking is over. Those who value right, and justice... follow me. Who's there? Father Abbot... I rode all night to get here. Nimue's gone! - She's gone? - Yes. But she left you a message... that she'll be waiting for you... at the door of magic. You're a liar! How can you say such a thing? You're a liar! I'm glad to see you haven't lost all the skills I taught you. I've lost none of them... and it was Frik, who taught me. Don't mention that ingrate! He's left my employment... without a reference! Anyway... Nimue has gone... and she does want you to join her... when you're ready. Merlin! My noblemen... don't want you with us against Mordred. They say that if you come... then they won't follow me. Ah... What will you do now? Close my books... break my wand... and... retire. I have a life to live, and... uh... a chance to live it. Nimue? I'm going to meet her, now. You'll be able to deal with Mordred? It's just one more battle... and right is on our side. I'm proud of you, Arthur. Don't worry about me, Merlin. I've still got Excaliber. Hello... Nimue... Nimue... Merlin... I am here... Look! Look where we are... This is all Mab... Oh... forget her... we've wasted... so much of our lives together... we're ready. Now, it's our turn. Isn't it what you've always wanted? Gawaine! What a pleasant surprise! Stop talking, Mordred... and fight! I though you might enjoy a little light... conversaton, before you die. But... as you wish. Mordred! Clever boy! Father! So... Mordred. Hello... Father. It's time to... end it all. Well... we agree on that, at least. You know, Father... if you'd lived... I don't think we'd have been very... happy as a family. What is it, Merlin? I heard a scream. I didn't hear anything. It's the sound of battle. Arthur and Mordred. Oh... no... It's nothing to do with us. No... I'm sorry... Mordred. Don't tell me, Father... another sin? You've killed your own son. Mordred...! Arthur is dying. I must go to him. I'll be back very soon. I'll be waiting for you... always. Very soon... I swear! Why didn't you tell me? Nimue... Come on, an ice-cold brewsky. You're gonna have to copy off me, so be careful. You're a better person than I am. - See you later. - Bye. See you later, loser. Hi. - Konnichi-wa. - What? - You take Japanese. - Oh, yes... Lauren, right? - It's on the... - Lauren, right. - I'm Truman Burbank. - Yeah, I know. - I'm not allowed to talk to you. - Really? - I'm a pretty dangerous character. - I'm sorry. It's not up to me. Girls have got to be careful. - You have a boyfriend, right? - It's not that. Was it Meryl, the girl I was with? We're not... We're just friends. - It's nothing like that. - It's how I look? Not your type? No. HOW'S IT GOING TO END? I was wondering that myself. Would you maybe, possibly sometime go out for some pizza? - Like, Friday? Saturday? - I can't. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday? NOW - We have finals tomorrow. - Yeah, I know. If we don't go now, it won't happen. Do you understand? So what do you want to do? Please keep your hands inside the car! This is my favourite pizza place. Tony, one large, extra plankton! We have so little time. They'll be here any minute. - They don't want me talking to you. - Then don't talk. They're here. - What do they want? - Listen to me. Everybody knows everything you do. They're pretending. Understand? - My name's not Lauren, it's Sylvia. - Lauren, sweetheart, not again. - Who are you? - Her father. I've never seen him before. Truman, don't listen to him. Everything I've told you is the truth. It's fake. It's all for you. The sky and the sea. Everything is a set! Please, don't listen to him. He's gonna lie to you. - I want to know what's going on. - Schizophrenia. We've tried it all. Hypnotism, shock therapy... Don't worry, you're not the first. - She brings all her boys down here. - Truman, he's lying! Get out of here. Come and find me. - I'll see you in school. - We're moving to Fiji. Sylvia! Hey! - Why didn't he just follow her? - His mother got really sick. He couldn't leave her. He's kind. Maybe he's too kind. I can't believe he married Meryl on the rebound. Come on, Sal. We've already got this on the greatest hits tape. HOW'S IT GOING TO END? Close, but no cigar. Another beautiful day in paradise. But don't forget to buckle up. He's heading west on Stuart. Stand by, all extras. He's turning onto Lancaster Square. My God, he nearly hit her! Something is wrong. Change frequencies. Sorry about that, folks. I guess we picked up a police frequency. It's classical Klyne, and we've still got some great music ahead. But buckle up. Remember safety. A good driver is a safe driver. CRACKDOWN ON HOMELESS City Fathers: "Enough is Enough" - Can I help? - I have an appointment. - What's happening? - Nothing. - Just tell me what's happening. - We're remodelling. - It's none of your business. - Tell me, or I'll report you! You're trespassing. - Marlon! - Truman, what are you doing here? I've got to talk to you. I'm on to something big! - You look like shit. - I think I'm mixed up in something. A lot of strange things have been happening. The people on the elevator, there was no backing on it... And the radio starts following me, talking about everything I'm doing. - This is one of your fantasies. - I think this is about my dad. I think he's alive. I'll tell you about it later. I'm being followed. Who? It's hard to tell. They look like regular people. - How about those two? - Could be. It's when I'm unpredictable. That's when they can't... Anything happen...? We have to get out of here. - You ready to go? - I can't. - You're gonna get us both fired. - Okay then, let's do it. Whatever you say, I'm game. Your birthday comes but once a year! Maybe I'm being set up for something. You ever think that your whole life has been building toward something? No. When you were hauling chickens, how far did you get off the island? I went all over. Never found a place like this, though. Look at that sunset. It's perfect. That's the big guy. Quite a paintbrush he's got. Just between you and me, Marlon... - I'm going away for a while. - Really? My little clown... Old carrot-top. The best photos... - We should be getting you home. - Here's us at Mt. Rushmore. Do you remember, Truman? You slept the whole way there. - It looks so small. - Things do, when you look back. Look, Truman. The happiest day of our lives. - Look! Jean, Jodie, Joanne... - Doesn't she look beautiful? Well, she still does. There's room for baby photos. I want to hold a grandchild before I go. We really should get you home. No, you stay. Relax. - Your favourite show is coming on. - And we have something to discuss. - A certain person's birthday. - Oh, I see. There'll be another "Lucy" tomorrow. Now it's time for Golden Oldies. Tonight we present the classic: "Show Me the Way to Go Home". You don't have to leave home to discover what the world is about. We learn that no one is poor who has friends. Full of laughter, love, pain, sadness, but ultimately, redemption. The cherry scene will have you splitting your sides with laughter. There'll be tears, too, when David and Jennifer are reunited. Let'sjoin the Abbotts in Camden Village. Thank you, Sweetie. I need to talk to you, but let's go outside. - I'd love to, but I'm really late. - What's your rush? There was that elevator disaster. It was on the news. The cable just snapped. The elevator plummeted ten flights. Right next door to where you work. What if you had been in there? Anyway, I have an amputation on one of the women from the elevator. She's very young. It's sad. Wish me luck. I'll cross my fingers for you. Excuse me. May I help you? I'm looking for my wife, Nurse Burbank. It's very important. That's not possible. She's in pre-op. Sure... Okay, fine. Can you pass along a message? I had to go to Fiji. I'll call when I get there. - When you get to Fiji? - You got it. - Fine. I'll tell her. - Thank you so much. Sorry. Let me help you with that. He's here. Scalpel. I'm now making my primary incision, just above the right knee. - Nicely done. - Unless you're family... - It's just a beautiful job. - I'll let someone else tidy up. TRAVELLERS BEWARE IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! - I'm sorry to keep you. - That's okay. - How can I help? - I'd like a flight to Fiji. - When would you like to leave? - Today. I'm sorry. I don't have anything for at least a month. It's the busy season. Do you want to book the flight? I'll make other arrangements. Last call for Chicago! All aboard! Thank you. Windy City, here we come. Hi! Hello... - Mom, isn't that you know you? - Face the front. Everybody off, we've got a problem. I'm sorry, son. - Wasn't his father from Chicago? - His father was from Des Moines. - Why does he want to go to Chicago? - He's not going anywhere. Truman? - Honey, are you okay? - Get in. - Truman... - Look. I predict that, in just a moment, we'll see a lady on a red bike followed by a man with flowers and a Volkswagen with a dented fender. - Truman, please... - Look! Lady... Flowers... - And...? - And... - Truman, this is silly. - There's the dented Beetle! Yes! You know how I did that? They're on a loop. They go around the block, they come back, they go around again. - I invited Marlon to barbecue... - I won't be here. We need more charcoal. Are you listening to a word I'm saying? You're upset because you want to go to Fiji? Okay, go. I think you should save for a few months, and then go. I'm going to take a shower. Let's go now. I'm ready. Why wait? Early bird gathers no moss, rolling stone catches the worm. Truman, what are you doing? - Truman... - Where shall we go? - Truman, where are we going? - I guess I'm being spontaneous. Somebody help me! I'm being spontaneous! Forget Fiji. We can't drive to Fiji, can we? - What about Atlantic City? - No, you hate to gamble. That's right, I do. But I never have. And that's why people go places. - I think I'm going to throw up. - Me, too. Blocked at every turn. Beautifully synchronised, don't you think? - You're blaming me for the traffic? - Should I? Truman, let's go home. You're right. We could be stuck here for hours. It'll be like this all the way to Atlantic City. Let's go back. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. - Can you please slow down? - Yes, I can. - That's our turn-off. - I changed my mind. What's New Orleans like this time of year? Mardis Gras! Look, Meryl. Same road, no cars. It's magic. Let me out. If you want to destroy yourself, do it on your own. I think I'd like a little company. Oh, Truman... You knew this would happen. You know you can't drive over water. Let's go home, where you'll feel safe. Give me your hand... You drive! We shouldn't be doing this. We're breaking the law! - Oh, my! - You can do it! You can make it! We're over! We're over the bridge! - We're over the bridge! - We're over! FOREST FIRE WARNING EXTREME DANGER - What about that sign? - They exaggerate. We'll be fine. Do you believe that? Truman, we're on fire! - It's just smoke. You okay? - Yes. - Wanna do it again? - No! Truman, stop! What do we do for money when we get to New Orleans? I have my Seahaven bank card. So we're just going to eat into our savings, is that it? I'll have to call your mother. I don't know how she'll take this. What now? SEAHAVEN NUCLEAR POWER STATION - Looks like a leak at the plant. - Back up. Leak at the plant. The whole area is being evacuated. - Thank you for your help. - You're welcome, Truman. Truman... Truman, come back! Stop him! Truman! Stay away! - Thank you both for your help. - Next time he'll be charged. I understand. Thanks again. Good night. Let me get you some help, Truman. You're not well. Why do you want to have a baby with me? You can't stand me. That's not true. I'll fix you some Mococoa. Natural cocoa beans from Mt. Nicaragua. - No artificial sweeteners. - What are you talking about? I've tasted other cocoas. This is the best. What the hell does this have to do with anything? - Tell me what's happening! - You're having a nervous breakdown. You're part of this, aren't you? Truman, you are scaring me. No, you're scaring me. What are you gonna do? Dice me, slice me or peel me? There's so many choices. Do something! What? What did you say? - Who are you talking to? - I didn't say anything. - I wasn't talking to anybody. - Talk to me! - I don't know anything! - Stay where you are. Truman...? Thank God! How can anyone expect me to carry on under these conditions? It's unprofessional! Everything's gonna be okay. It's all gonna be fine. I don't know what to think, Marlon. Maybe I'm losing my mind. It feels like the whole world revolves around me. That's a lot of world for one man. Is it wishful thinking? Wishing you'd made more out of yourself? Who hasn't sat in the john and had an imaginary interview on TV? This is different. Everybody seems to be in on it. I've been your best friend since we were seven. We got through school by cheating off each other's test papers. Jesus, they were identical. But I always felt safe knowing that. Because whatever the answer was, we were right or wrong together. I stayed up all night in your tent so you could play North Pole. And I got pneumonia. Remember that? You were out of school for a month. You're the closest thing I ever had to a brother, Truman. Things haven't worked out for us like we used to dream they would. I know what that feeling's like. Everything slipping away... You don't want to believe it, so you look for answers somewhere else. But the point is, I'd gladly walk in front of traffic for you. But the point is, I'd gladly step in front of traffic for you. And the last thing I'd ever do is lie to you. And the last thing that I would ever do... is lie to you. I mean, think about it. If everybody is in on it... I'd have to be in on it, too. I'm not in on it, Truman, because there is no "it". - You were right about one thing. - What's that? The thing that started all this. I found him for you, Truman. That's why I came by tonight. I'm sure he's got quite a story to tell. Go to him. Easy on the fog. Stand by, crane-cam... Crane-cam. Button-cam three. I never stopped believing. Go wide. Curb-cam eight. My son. - Move in for close-up? - No, no... Stay back. Fade up music. Now go for the close-up. All those years wasted. I'll make it up to you, son. I swear. Dad... Bravo! Congratulations. - Okay, quiet down. Concentrate. - That was great television. - Christof, it was brilliant! - It broke my heart. Well done! Congratulations! Truman drinks Mococoa, world's finest cocoa beans grown on the upper slopes of Mt. Nicaragua. 1. 7 billion were there for his birth. 220 countries tuned in for his first step. The world stood still for that stolen kiss. And as he grew, so did the technology. A human life, recorded on a network of hidden cameras and broadcast live 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to an audience around the globe. From Seahaven, enclosed in the largest studio ever constructed, one of only two man-made structures visible from space, now in its 30th great year, it's The Truman Show! What a week! I was on pins and needles the entire time. I'm your host, Mike Michaelson. Welcome to Tru-Talk, our forum for issues growing out of the show. Tonight, something very special: An exclusive interview with the show's creator. Let's go live to the 221st floor of the Omni-Cam Ecosphere. There we'll find the world's greatest tele-visionary. The designer of the world within a world that is Seahaven: Christof. I'd like to thank you for granting this interview. We know your schedule is demanding, and how you guard your privacy. - This, sir, is indeed an honour. - Don't mention it. The catalyst for the recent dramatic events has been Truman's father, Kirk, and his attempt at infiltration. This is not the first time someone has tried to reach Truman, is it? We have had our close calls. It's television! I did it! I'm on The Truman Show! But now, the first intruder to be a former cast member. - A dead one at that. - Writing Kirk back in, brilliant. Kirk started this whole crisis. He was the only one who could end it. Truman, no! - That's off limits! - Why? What's over there? Nothing. It's dangerous, that's all. You have to know your limitations. Let's remind viewers why Dad was written out in the first place. As Truman grew up, we manufactured ways to keep him on the island. - I'd like to be a great explorer. - There's nothing left to explore. - Then I thought up Kirk's drowning. - He's feared the water ever since. When Kirk read the synopsis, he was disappointed, to say the least. I'm sure that's why he broke onto the set. But how do you intend to explain his 22-year absence? - Amnesia. - Brilliant. Let's take some viewer calls. North Carolina, you're on with Christof. Hi, Christof. I was wondering how many cameras you got in that town. Somewhere in the vicinity of 5,000. Remember, we started with just one. He was two weeks premature, as if he couldn't wait to get started. And his eagerness to leave the womb was the reason he was selected. In competition with five other unwanted pregnancies for a show determined by an air date, only Truman arrived on cue. I believe Truman is the first child to be adopted by a corporation. - That's correct. - The show's made enormous revenue. Equivalent to the GNP of a small country. It takes the population of an entire country to keep it running. Since it's on 24 hours, revenues are generated by product placement. Everything on the show is for sale, down to the very homes they live in. All of it in the Truman catalogue. Operators are standing by. Christof, why has Truman never come close to discovering the true nature of his world until now? We accept the reality of the world with which we're presented. The Hague for Christof. Hello. The Hague... All right, let's go to Hollywood, California. You're a liar and a manipulator, and what you've done to Truman is sick. Well, we remember this voice, don't we? How could we forget? - Let's go to another call. - No, no. It's fine, Mike. I love to reminisce with former members of the cast. Sylvia, as you announced so melodramatically to the world... Do you think because you batted your eyes at Truman once, flirted with him, stole a few minutes of air time to thrust your politics into the limelight, that you know him? That you know what's right for him? Are you in a position tojudge him? What right do you have to turn a baby's life into a mockery? Don't you ever feel guilty? I have given Truman the chance to lead a normal life. The world, the place you live in, is the sick place. Seahaven is the way the world should be. - He's a prisoner, not a performer. - He can leave at any time. If his was more than a vague ambition, if he was determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him. I think what distresses you, really, caller, is that, ultimately, Truman prefers his cell, as you call it. That's where you're so wrong. And he'll prove you wrong. These heated comments aside, it's been a very positive experience. For Truman and for the viewers. Thank you for your time. Now that this crisis is behind us, can we look forward to some exciting new developments? The big news is: Meryl will leave Truman in an upcoming episode. A new romantic interest will be introduced. I'm determined that TV's first on-air conception will take place. Another television milestone. It has been a singular honour and a pleasure. Christof, thank you. Hey, Simeon. - Is he looking at us? - You think he knows? - Hello... - Better call Christof. Come in, Major Burbank. He's back to his old self. That's an unusual cat, my man. I hereby proclaim this planet Trumania of the Burbank galaxy. - Is he gonna go? - Hallway camera ready. - That one's for free. - Stand by, all house cameras. - Good morning. - Good morning. - In case I don't see you... ...good afternoon and good night. Good afternoon, good night... - Morning, Truman. How's it going? - I'll check. Vital signs are good. Hey, Pluto! - Good morning! - Look who's here. Beautiful day, isn't it? We thought about the policy, and we'll take it. Great! Let's go up to my office and sign the papers. - Next week would be better. - I knew it. See you guys. - See you next week. - Looking forward to it! This isn't about insurance. This is about the great variable. When will death occur? Could be a week, a month, a year... Could be today. Innocent sunbather, stabbed by the tip of a runaway beach umbrella. No way to guard against that. - Excuse me. - Truman, this is Vivian. The two of you are going to be neighbours. I guess what I'm saying is that life is... fragile. - Vivian, your office. - Sorry. I'm sorry... You do? Oh, great. Let me take your information. Ready, two. Go to two. Back to medium... and wide. I was just trying to train the kid to... never mind. - What's he doing in the basement? - He moved in there when Meryl left. Why wasn't I told? Unpredictable behaviour has to be reported. - He's just sleeping. I thought... - This is the best shot we've got? - What's on the clock-cam? - Obstruction. - What happened? - He was tidying up his garbage. I was gonna call you, but he gave up and fell asleep. - I want to check the set-ups... ...for the insurance convention. Nice move. There you go. Isolate the audio. Give me a close-up on his torso. Still breathing. Where's Chloe? Call him. Tell him it's a wrong number. - What took you so long? - I had to wait for it. - They were busy. What's going on? - I don't know. - He did nothing but stand around. - Shut up and watch. Then we went to night vision. He's asleep. There! Stop it. Zoom in under the chair. - Enhance it. - Is it...? My God... - He didn't go up the stairs. - Get Marlon over there! Truman... Surprise party! I got a six-pack of cold brewskies with our name on them. Come on, pal. Come on, buddy. Shit! Marlon, find him. He's still in the room. - Come out, wherever you are. - Good. Keep it light. I know you're in here. Check under the table. The closet, behind you. Gee, I wonder where he could possibly be. Lawn-cam! - Say something. Keep it going. - He's gone. - Cut transmission! - Cut transmission? - God in heaven! - Give me the phone! TECHNICAL FAULT PLEASE STAND BY We've got every available extra looking for him. The crew, too. - What about prop cars? - Accounted for. He has the world's most recognisable face, he can't disappear. Go find him, Pluto. Good dog. All this fuss! If he could just hear my voice. Truman! Truman! Let me try. Truman! It's me, Dad! Let's talk! Yeah, I know. We're just about done with the square. We've got to go back to Barrymore, check the interiors. Who's watching the college? Send someone over there. - Take another man, get down there. - Find the son of a bitch! Get some batteries. He's not gonna glow in the dark. We need more light. We'll never find him this way. - What time is it? - It's way too early for that. Cue the sun. What time is it? Christof, what's going on? There's rumours that he's dead. The media's having a feeding frenzy. Every network has a pirated shot of Marlon making an ass of himself. - The sponsors are threatening us. - We're getting our highest ratings. - No sign of him. - Go back to town, join the others. Everyone else at first positions. Everyone is at first positions? He's got to be there somewhere. - We're not watching the sea. - Why would we watch the sea? - Sweep the harbour. - Bring up the harbour cameras. - Aren't some of those out? - Yeah, but we have the lighthouse. All buoy-cams, please. - Long lens, short-base cameras. - Why are we looking at the water? Truman, where are you going? - Sailing? He's afraid of the water. - Resume transmission. I got 2-1 he doesn't make it. Just leave them in the car. Get off this mast-cam. You can't see his face. Go to the cabin-cam. Perfect. That's our hero shot. - Let's get another boat out there. - I need to talk to the ferry guys. Come on, get it moving! - I'm just the bus driver. - They can't sail. They're actors! How do we stop him? Okay... We're going to access the weather programme now. So hold on to your hats. You got that? No, I think we'll want to localise the storm over the boat. Get the co-ordinates. - There's no rescue boat. - He'll turn back. He'll be afraid. There she blows. Come on. Give me some lightning. Hit him again! - He can't die on television! - He was born on television. Hold on! Is that the best you can do? You're gonna have to kill me! What should we do with a drunken sailor... - I demand you cease transmission. - Keep running. Increase the wind! - For the last time... - Capsize him, tip him over. - He's tied himself to the boat! - He'll drown, and he doesn't care. Do it... Do it! That's enough. I want to talk to him. EXIT Truman... You can speak. I can hear you. - Who are you? - I'm the creator of a TV show. It gives hope and inspiration to millions. - Then who am I? - You're the star. - Was nothing real? - You were real. That's what made you so good to watch. Listen, Truman. There's no more truth out there than in the world I created for you. The same lies, the same deceit. But in my world, you have nothing to fear. - I know you better than you do. - You never had a camera in my head. You're afraid. That's why you can't leave. It's okay, Truman. I understand. I have been watching you your whole life. I was watching when you were born. I was watching when you took your first step. I watched you on your first day of school. The episode when you lost your first tooth. You can't leave, Truman. - Please, God. - You belong here. You can do it. With me. Talk to me. Say something. Say something, damn it! You're on TV. You're live to the world! In case I don't see you, good afternoon and good night. He made it! All right, Truman! Cease transmission. - You want another slice? - No. Let's see what else is on. English subtitles - IFT A/S Hey, Dick, can I borrow the car keys? I have a date with August. - Sure, Tommy. - You can't give him the keys. He can't drive. How do you know? I've never tried it. I could be great at it. - Check and mate. - He doesn't even have a licence. - You don't have your licence yet? - I'm taking driver's ed. Look, she's right. No keys for you. - Ha ha! - Then what am I supposed to do? - Sally, you drive him. Ha ha! Hey there, Tiger. You remember my daughter Vicki, don't you? Sure. I put a turkey carcass on my head and had sex with her on your kitchen table. That's my little girl. So, what brings you to Rutherford? She's back for her high school reunion. Thanks for killing the surprise, mama. Ever since they cancelled "Ryan's Hope," she's been real moody. So, Vicki, why didn't you return any of my phone calls? Well, I wanted to, but they... they put a lock on the phone down at social services. Well, I'm glad you're here 'cause I could use some social services. Come on, come on. Anyone. - "Y" to the fourth power. - No. 11? No. - Velocity squared? - No. That guy from Jeopardy"? No, no, no! Dr. Solomon, can't you just tell us the answer? We've been guessing for 45 minutes now. You've been guessing? All right, people, due to your staggering ineptitude with the most basic concepts of quantum superpositions, I am issuing the following assignment: you will write a five-page letter to your parents apologizing for wasting their money. I want them on my desk tomorrow morning for my approval and a blistering P.S. And bring a stamp, damn it. I'm not a post office. The wedding chapel was only two miles away. All she had to do was come to a complete stop and turn on her blinker, but I guess she had more important things to think about. And now she's dead! - Any questions? - Yeah. Where can I rent that movie? You can't. Class dismissed. Hey, Tommy. Hello, Don. - Hello, Sally. - Tommy said you were showing "the bride wore asphalt." - Did I miss it? - Yes, but... - maybe I can arrange for a private screening. - When? - Now. - Can we watch it backwards? You're a sucker for a happy ending. Look, her head's back on. - Judith? Dr Solomon, As head of the disciplinary committee, it is my sad duty to inform you that one of your students has registered a complaint against you. There must be some mistake. Is it true that you forced them to write humiliating letters to their parents? Well, yes, but that can't be it. I'm afraid it is, and according to university rules of conduct, you must attend sensitivity training. My office will contact you. Oh, and Dick, I wouldn't leave town. I don't need sensitivity training, you strident, power-Mad tart! - Happy birthday, dad. Of course I remembered. How's the chest pains? Mary, do you think I'm insensitive? You just hung up on my father. Now, don't try to change the subject. Okay, fine. You're insensitive. I am? Oh, come on, Dick. It wouldn't kill you to occasionally think of people's feelings before you speak. What a bunch of crap. You log 40 billion light-years without a single moving violation, they make you take a road test anyway. Welcome to earth, folks. You don't need that book. Just use your common sense. Green means go. Yellow means slow down. Red means stop and check your make-up. That's my best friend. That's Kenny. Ooh, Jace carter. Ooh! Whoa! Who's the biker chick with the confederate flag and the bottle of bourbon? That's me. Nice. Harry, I was wondering if maybe... you'd be my date to the reunion. I'd love to. Will there be... turkey? - Family meeting! Family meeting! What? I've just heard the most upsetting thing. Someone has accused me of insensitivity. You're not family! Get out! What is it with this planet's preoccupation with sensitivity? You should be able to have an open dialogue with anyone, like we do. We can say anything to each other and not take offense. For example, Tommy wouldn't object if I mentioned that he was a greasy little disappointment. What's to argue? Sally couldn't dispute that she's a sadistic bimbo. You got me. And, Dick, you're a rubber-faced bag of wind. Well said! And Harry, you're an idiot. Thank you, sir. May I have another? Hooray... for personal growth. Today we're going to learn how to breathe, how to listen, and how to say "I have a personality disorder." - Wait a minute-- - Dick, I hear you. Can... you... hear... me? Yes. You're the annoying guy in the unitard. Dick, labels disable. We're all shipwrecked at sea. There's very little food left and one passenger too many. I say we eat the big, fat guy. Boo, Dick! Boo! How about the woman with the bad hairdo? Your work is incompetent. You get an "F." You fail. You're right. My work has been weak, but it's not my fault. I'm just not as smart as you are. Ah, I suppose you have a point. I am exceedingly brilliant. You just go so fast, I can't follow you. And now I'll never get a job. I'll have to sell my feet for keychains. I've never heard things from your point of view before. Maybe I have been a little hard on you. I'm.. I'm... I'm sorry. I think someone needs a hug. Okay, class, I thought we'd try something different. - No kidding. - Now, let's reflect on the ballet that is physics. In standard quantum chromodynamics, the Lagrange density equals one over four pi times the square of the field strength tensor. Now, given that there is this concentration of intense nucleic energy, how many hydronic jets will emerge when the quark- antiquark line within the meson ruptures? Bug? A million? - Does that mean I'm right? - No, not even close, bug, but you tried, and that's what makes you special. What's that supposed to mean? - Do you want me to say it slower? - No. Class, I have your midterms. Now, I didn't want anyone to feel stress, so I've abandoned the traditional grading system, and I'm giving you all happy faces. I can't apply to graduate school with a happy face in physics. Graduate school? I don't think any of you have to worry about that. Nina, did you make the appointment for my high colonic? There are two things I don't do. I don't pick up dry cleaning, and I don't schedule enemas, okay? That's okay. I forgive you. - Mary, are we still on for dinner? - Sure. I was thinking of wearing this. It's not coming off anytime soon, is it? Dr. Solomon.. oh, dear god. I'll make this brief. Your students have filed a class-wide complaint against you. You are required to appear before the disciplinary committee, which I chair. What? ! I give them happy faces on their mid-terms, and this is how they repay me? - Yeah, that's messed up. That's it. No more Mr. Nice guy. And no hug for you, four eyes. Fine! This is the last time I shop at gotta dance. Damn, they won't allow me to return my unitard. Why not? - Because I wore it without my underpants. - Oh, my god! This reminds me of your prom night. - Oh! Only this time your date isn't married. Hi, folks. Unless you have a warrant, you cannot come in here. - No, that's Sally's date. - Oh. Well, it's nice to meet you. Don't I know you? No, I don't-- let's go. Mama, let's go. Go, go, go. Hello, Don. Hello, Sally. I thought we would skip dinner and drive straight to lookout point. That is, if you can stand the heat. You know me, Don. The hotter, the better. - Ready, Tommy? - Yeah. - Tommy's coming? - The kid needs to see how it's done. You could show him how to put the key in the ignition. Couldn't I just buy him some magazines? He's been reading about it for weeks. He's ready for the real thing, and I figure... he should learn from the master. Okay, he can come, but I'm not promising anything. If you'll all take your seats, this hearing can begin. All right, Dick, out with it. Where did you grab her? And how many times? It's not that kind of hearing. First, we will hear from Dr. Mary Albright who will speak on behalf of Dr. Solomon. Dr. Albright, how would you describe Dr. Solomon? Well, it's kind of hard. I mean... have you ever had a piece of really stinky cheese? I enjoy stinky cheese. Continue. The thing is, it has these wonderfully rich flavors that you can't get to without the stinkiness. Have you ever found Dr . Solomon to be insensitive? No. Dr. Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state. And he's never been abusive towards you? No. Dr. Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state. - Have you been coached to say that? - No. Dr. Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state. - Just keep your eye on the white line. - Where is it? Look out! Uh... Don, maybe you ought to drive. No! You're passing that test tomorrow if it kills us all! You heard the lady. A 3-11. Tommy, step on it. Oh, party, man! Okay, Harry, don't you let these people intimidate you. You just be yourself. You're great. Remember that. - Hello, Vicki. - Hello, Elroy. This is my boyfriend. He's a famous brain surgeon. Vicki Dubcek? - Look at you! - Oh, look at you. What was that nickname we used to call you? "Whore." Whore! Isn't she priceless? And who are you? Harry Solomon, united states ambassador to Portugal. What bothers you most about Dr. Solomon's teaching methods? He's always saying I'm wrong. And how often are you wrong? Always. One day he told me if I liked long hair so much, maybe I should join the circus. - Were you hurt by that? - No. More confused. And then he stared at me, and I felt all dirty. He did well in the session, but when he left, he stole the puppets. I've heard enough, who's buying? Dr. Solomon, do you have anything to say - in your defense? - I have plenty to say. I should have brought a book. I stand here accused of insensitivity. Oh sure, I've tried to change my ways. I've cried. I've hugged. I've been hugged. And you know what I've discovered? I'm an offensive person. But in a tolerant society, is there no place for my kind? Why must everyone like me? Why can't we all just... not get along? Conflict is necessary. Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators Socrates, Galileo, and now Dick Solomon. Where would you be without us to provoke and enlighten you? To attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? Throughout history, all over the world, people have rightfully looked to Pendleton state for virtually nothing. But maybe one day they'll be able to say that an unpopular battle was won there for an ugly little thing called... the truth. - Thank you. - And when they make a movie of this.. and they will.. I don't want to be played by woody harrelson. We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict. Who would have thought that I'd be spending this night in a veritable wonderland of twinkly lights, tiny wienies, and the most beautiful woman from Orlando? Mmm. So what did you do at your high school reunion? Vicki, I didn't exactly graduate from high school. Oh. Well... I didn't exactly graduate, either. Jace? Jace carter? - Yeah? - Well, it's... Vicki Dubcek here. Oh. Right. I don't think you understand. That's Vicki Dubcek. - Who are you? - I'm Vicki's husband, Harry Solomon, Hollywood stuntman. And when I'm not crashing through plate glass windows or catching on fire, you'll find me at my Hollywood mansion with my wife. You see.. I could have any woman I want... including her... but I choose Vicki to share my fabulous Hollywood lifestyle. Wow! Vicki, you made it. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I'm also the postmaster general. After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon. - What does that mean? - You're officially admonished. Does that come with a pay cut? No. However, if there's another violation, you will be censured. Does that come with a pay cut? No, but should that fail to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a 30-day suspension. - With pay? - Yes, with pay. That sounds good. Could I be sanctioned right now? No. We're adjourned. Dr. Solomon, I'm really sorry. We never meant for there to be a hearing. I don't even know how it got this far. No need to apologize. You're stupid, I'm rude. See you tomorrow. We'll see you. Well, Dick, I think you made a nice point. Yes, for a piece of stinky cheese. Oh, Dick, you are who you are, and that's the guy I love. Thank you, Mary. - And you know what? - What? - I love me, too. - Good. It's something I learned in sensitivity class... to love myself. - Good. - And I really love myself. I mean, a lot. Well, I failed by driver's test. I can handle a high-speed police chase, but for some reason, at 20 miles an hour I hit three parked cars. Don't worry about not having your license. Lord knows it hasn't stopped me. I'm going to be the laughingstock of my whole school. Well, I've discovered something, Tommy. It doesn't matter what you do in high school, as long as you can make people feel like losers at the reunion. She thinks she is all that, but she is not all that. Oh, no, girlfriend, do not go there. Do not go there! Oh, damn! She went there. Well, I better get back to the station. Time to go on duty? No. I'm on duty. It's time to punch out. Well, I'll see you Thursday, Tommy, at career day. Career day? What career day? I've heard nothing of this. It's nothing, Dick. It's just a bunch of bores blabbing on about what they do. You wouldn't be interested. Wait. Dick not interested in talking about himself? I know! That's insane. Oh, don't be silly, Tommy. Once your classmates hear me speak, you'll be the toast of the school. Are you kidding, Dick? You're a physics professor. I mean, that's almost as dorky as... I got nothing. I'm stumped. This is outrageous! I'm wise. I'm revered. And I work damn hard! Who do you think puts food on the table? I put it there. I'm going with America's farmers. There's food on the table? Oh, now, stop it. If you people think it's so easy, why don't you get a job and work for a change? I'm glad that was a question and not an order. Dick: it's an order! Well, I'm glad it's an order and not a direct order. Dick: it's a direct order! I'm glad it's a direct order-- Dick: go get the want ads! Hey, guys. Is Dick here? No. I wanted to talk to him. Why? Well, I'm looking for work. There were some sweet gigs on the Pendleton research board, but I don't know which one to do, like here. I can get 50 bucks if I let them rub solvents in my eyes. Oh, Sally, that--That's not good. Really? Well, I could sign up for the hornet sting study, but I didn't bring a swimsuit. Dr. Albright is looking for a research assistant. Really? ! Uh... yes, but it's just grunt work. I mean, it doesn't pay hornet study money. Oh, that's Ok. What do I have to do? Uh, well, I'm giving a talk next week at the faculty club. Some Bolivian professors will be there, and I'm going to be discussing the culture of the Aymara Indians. And I'm your date? No. You're my fact checker. You just go to the library and make sure all my information is accurate. Hmm, I would've gone with the hornets. Good morning, Mary. Good morning. Sally, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm doing some anthropology stuff for Albright. You're what? ! See ya, boss. Well, that's just great! You never show any interest in physics! Well, Dick, there's good reason for that. It's physics. Like anthropology is so hot? I mean, sure, there's naked people, but...once you get past that, it's really just... what? I don't know. I can't get past the naked people. You know how they say if you really want a job, it'll just fall right in your lap? Uh, no. And how desperation is the surest road to success. I never heard that. Why do they say those things? Why? I'm not sure they do. I fell for the lies. Pounded the pavement, and now here I am. There are no jobs for guys like me. You know, I've been looking for a new bartender for a while now. Do you mind, buddy? We're talking about my problems now. I'm saying I need somebody to start today. Uh, yeah. Well, I guess you're out of luck. Why, what do you got going on? I'm looking for a job, brainiac! Morning, class, I'm... sorry I'm... so late. A funny thing happened today. I learned that there is a, uh, A... small group of people that doesn't find physics absolutely exhilarating. Isn't that hilarious? Exactly. So I was wondering, what drove you to take it? Well, uh, it's required. And we want to graduate. So that's all that brings you back to my class, a requirement? Not one of you yearns for a career in physics? Not one soul longs to make physics his lifework? Not one among you aspires to place physics-- Dr. Solomon. Leon, please, tell me you have to pee. Guess what. What? I found a mistake in your speech. Oh. Ok. Let's hear it. Ok. This is so great. Ok. Here on page 2, you say there aren't any aymaran communities on the high plains, but dirkson's survey says there are. No, there aren't. Yeah, but Dirkson says there are. All right. Maybe there's one or two, but my point still stands. No. Ok, but Dirkson says-- forget Dirkson! Just go back there and concentrate on-- on place names and spellings and things like that. Ok? Man, who died and made her Dirkson? Look, Sally, if you're gonna work for Dr. Albright, there are a couple of things you need to understand. One: she doesn't like to be corrected when she's wrong. And two: she's often wrong. Wait, wait. So I shouldn't tell her her breath smells like a sock full of horseradish? I didn't. But, hey, that's my boss. I just can't please him. Well, what are you gonna do? Exactly. I just can't win. Well, what are you gonna do? You said it. You know, I got a family to think about. What are you gonna do? Hey, you know you're right. Tomorrow, I'm going down there, and I'm gonna tell him what he can do with his job. Harry, thanks for listening. Hey, what am I gonna do? Harry, I need a drink. You and everyone else. I got the whole town of Rutherford drinking again. Harry! All right! What is wrong with this world? You dole out moonshine to a roomful of boozehounds and everybody loves you, while I shape young minds with the elegant laws of physics, and what do I get? Nothing. Here's the deal, Dick. Around here, a guy can't even give peach schnapps away. But you put it in a pineapple glass, add a little umbrella, call it a shooter, I can't make 'em fast enough. Harry, that's brilliant! You're saying I gotta give physics a little razzle-dazzle, right? Ok. Of course! This is the nineties. Kids want what's cool. They want the latest, the here and now. They want the Fonz! Ayyy! What are you gonna do? I'm going to career day! All right! You do that! What an idiot. Harry, did some joker put my number up on the men's room wall? Ooh, I don't think so. Well, be a doll and put it up there, will ya... before that big guy with the beard takes a leak? Hi. Am I interrupting? No. Come in. What's wrong? Find another mistake? No. Nothing. Really? Really. I went through it with a fine-tooth comb. This baby is gold. Great. What about the population of circuata? I was just guessing on it. That was a guess? You nailed it! Well, I've always been pretty good with trends in that part of the hemisphere. Listen, I gotta tell you, after reading Dirkson, your stuff was refreshing. But substantial, like, uh, Gatorade, but with meat in it. Sally, let me buy you lunch. We can go to the oak room. The oak room? You deserve a treat. Well, I spent the day with your speech. I think I've had my treat. Dear god! They have chocolate cheesecake. Of course, I should probably just apply it directly to my thighs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's, oh, so funny! Oh, yeah. All right. Step right up, kids, and meet the girls of physics. Each and every one of them a bundle of mass and energy. Are you really a licensed bikini inspector? Uh, kind of. I'm a physics professor, you understand? Now, friends, let me tell you about a little thing called physics. You know what makes a car go fast? Physics. And you know what makes a curve ball curve? Why, physics! And you know what's got me standing here instead of floating out the window like a puff of smoke? Inertia, with a capital "I." That rhymes with pi, and that starts with "p," and that stands for physics. Your father is an insult to this entire school. I don't see your dad here. Uh, my dad is performing open-Heart surgery right now. Oh, couldn't cut it as a brain surgeon? Now, let me tell you about something that's really hot. Inasmuch as "e" equals cosine "m" plus "I" sine "m," we get arbitrary values of the separation constant "P." Now, watch this. I'm sorry I'm late, kids, but I was involved in one of the world's scariest police chases. How'd it end? The guy got away. Ohhh! But I rolled my car. Cool! Cool! Oh, man, I want to be a cop. It's not all glamour, kids, but it's mostly glamour. Oh, and, uh, guns. Cool! Cool! And what makes that policeman's gun so cool? Physics! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistic coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets. Guns don't kill people. Physics kills people! Oohhh. Ohh! [Snaps fingers] Tony! Dick, I told you, you shouldn't have come to career day. Oh, when we first came to this planet, I could've gotten any job. Cowboy, rock star, international superspy. Why did I choose physics? Dick, you know what they say. When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons. Well, I've had it. I renounce physics and all its uses and applications, including conservation of momentum. Whoo hoo hoo. I'm out. I'm out. Hey, guys. Hey. Yo, dubie. Give me a margarita, Harry. What about your job? I'm on the job right now, baby. Rocks, no salt. Are you telling me that Mary's presentation is already perfect? Well, she thinks it is, and I'm getting paid not to argue. Ka-Ching! [Ding] You got lucky, damn you. I'll tell you the secret. You just pucker up, vapor-lock onto your boss' butt, and hold on. No independent thought required. In fact, it just gets in your way. Free thinkers die in the dirt like dogs, Sally. Here's your booze. Sally. Dubie, my hollow-legged lady friend. One-eyed jimmy's gonna go out back and fight a midget. You wanna watch? Yeah. Let's go. Citizens. Ah, what'll it be, officer? Oh, I'm just in the neighborhood checking things out. You got it. One free cheeseburger. Don't be stingy with the onions. Harry, I'd like a free cheeseburger. You got it. That'll be 6 bucks. Oh! That's it! I want a new job! A job that comes with respect, stature, and free cheeseburgers. I want your job. Dick, you don't know the first thing about being a cop. It's a gritty job where a good day is one where you come home alive. Isn't that pretty much a good day for anyone? [Police radio chatter] I gotta go back to the station. They're bringing in a suspect. Hey, Don, I want to go. I want to hold a gun and flash a badge. I don't know, Dick. It's illegal, it's dangerous, and it violates the sacred oath I took when I joined the force. So don't tell anyone. Let's go! All right, Dick. We're gonna go in there. We're gonna do a little thing we like to call "good cop, bad cop." You're good cop. I'm down with that. I'm glad. All right, here we go. Hi, Jonesy, I'm Dick. I like your shirt. So, you say that you didn't rob any gas station. Right, Jonesy? Yeah. Right. Now, I-- I believe you, but... the thing is... you're scum! I find chunks of you in my puke! So don't you jerk me around! Dick! We'll be right back. You're supposed to be good cop. I am! You're raising the bar too high. You know how bad I have to be now? Real bad! I couldn't help myself. Why don't you be good cop? That way, I can go as big as I want. Ok, I'll be good cop. Oh, well, you'll have to, uh, excuse my partner. He's got a real mean streak, but... I want to help you out. See, I know that you're a nice-- oh! We'll be right back. What's the matter with you? I'm always good cop. This was my one chance to be bad cop. But I'm a bad good cop. You're not even a cop! Well, can't we both be bad cop? But the whole concept is-- oh, whatever. Now I want answers! And I really want answers! Thank you for inviting me to your conference. How do I look? You look fine. I love Bolivian men. They're like Hondurans without all the attitude. Good afternoon, ladies. Oh, Dr. Albright, what a great suit! Well, thank you, Sally. Sally, you smell like jagermeister. Somebody spilled it on me in the library. Well, once again, I was completely unnecessary. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were a moron. Aymaran. Aymaran. Come on. We're your friends. You did it, right? No. Come on. You can tell us. No. I didn't do it. Well, so much for good cop, good cop. There's no such thing! I told you, there's only one permutation that works. Ok. I have this idea. Sad cop, somewhat effeminate cop. Get out! Go home, Dick. You are not cop material. I have to be! It's not you. It's just not you. You're right. Apparently, I was put on this earth to bore a bunch of unreceptive dimwits to the end of my days. It's my lot in life. Well, I think we both learned something today. Let's have lunch sometime. Look. Why don't you just let me go? Because I know you did it, Jonesy! You jumped the fence, and you stole the money. But you got no proof. Besides, I couldn't jump that fence. It's physically impossible. Physically impossible? That's where you're wrong. You may not have much respect for the law, Jonesy, but there's one law that you can't break: coulomb's third law of universal gravitation. What? It states that the force between 2 objects is proportional to the algebraic products of their respective charges, as well as proportional to the inverse square of the distance between them! But of course, you knew that, didn't you, Jonesy? Not--not all of it. You're object "x," and the fence is object "Y." Now, where "v" is the velocity of the 2 objects, and "r" is the distance between them, and "e" is a unit vector directed from the first object to the second, we see that the fence proved little challenge. Well... I guess. You guess! I bet you guess. And so we see that "x" equals zero as "y" approaches infinity! That's how you avoided the security camera. That's how you managed to get back over the fence. That's how they found you exactly 1.3 miles from the crime scene, proving that you and only you could have perpetrated this heinous crime! There's the proof! Ok! Ok! Ok! You got me! I did it! I did it! My god! What kind of a cop are you? I'm not a cop! I'm a physics professor! Of course, my dad didn't say anything. He never did. And how did that make you feel, Chet? Angry. Worthless. Oh. But you know that's not true, now, don't you, Chet? Yeah. Yeah, I do. All right! [Sighs] Well... [Ding] Happy hour's over, Chet. But I think we made some real progress. I feel better. Yeah. And just remember... don't stop drinking. Thanks, Harry. All right, buddy. Line 'em up, Harry. 5 martinis. No, Harry. Dr. Albright, we should take you home now. No, Nina. I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them destroyed! Hey, Dr. Albright, how did your talk go? How did my talk go? Let's see. First of all, the Bolivians were highly amused when I confused the name of their president with the word for kayak. But they stopped laughing when... in their native tongue, I welcomed them to my... womany place and told them... I told them there was room for everyone! Tell her how you told them that their country was A... shining example of goat death. I hope this isn't in any way my fault. It's all your fault! You were supposed to check these things! You're absolutely right. I let you down completely. Yes, you did! What were you thinking? I have no excuse. It's just--it's just... really intimidating when you work for... for what? Say it. A bitch? ! No. A genius! Well, that's nice, but... I'm a professional, and I expect other people to be professional with me. Of course you do. God, what have I done? I've let down the brightest woman alive! Oh, god! [Sobbing] Oh, Sally. Don't beat yourself up. Let me buy you a drink. Margarita, rocks, no salt. Harry! [Ding] And so, using coulomb's third law, I was able to prove that he did it. What does that have to do with it? Nothing. All I proved was that he's rotating around the sun. But he didn't know that. That's the wonderful thing about physics. Nobody understands it. So you can use your knowledge to bully people into submission. Well, that's the plan. As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule. Yes, you really do. What you do is amazing. Thank you, Sally. Sometimes I wish you were dead so they could put you on a stamp. Sally, you're not kissing my butt, are you? A man of your stature? I wouldn't dare. Well, good. Here's 20 bucks. Thanks. now that you're feeling better about your career again, do I have to keep working at the bar? Oh, no, Harry. Oh, good. There's just too much pressure. All those people and their problems. No. There's too much pressure in the soda gun. You could put an eye out. Why do you think they call him one-eyed jimmy? Wait. He lost his eye from soda? Yeah. Root beer. No wonder he's angry. I would be. So how was the fight? Oh, short. Oh, God... Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. City of New York... Department of Public Works... Yeah, right. Like anything in this city works. Yeah, I want-- Oh, crap. Voicemail. Yes, yes, I have a touch-tone phone. It's the nineties. I also have indoor plumbing. Yes, I speak English. You asked me in English. Yes, I have a complaint. I'm talking to voicemail. Yeah, oh, finally, yeah, listen, I want to leave a message. It's about a broken streetlight on Kaden Avenue. If it's not fixed by tomorrow, I'm coming down there, and I'm gonna kick every one of your flabby asses up to and including Mayor Giuliani. And if you got a problem with that, come and get me. My name is John-- Uh... --Lo mein. It's- - Um, it's French. Au revoir. Margaret, I'd like to schedule a time when I can talk with you. Okay, let's talk now. Oh, technically I'm on break for another three minutes, so... Linda, what is it? Okay. It occurred to me that Dr. Becker has his office, and you have this area here, but as the third member of the "team," I feel I'm entitled to a workspace of my own. First of all, don't make those little "quote-y" fingers at me. I hate that. And second of all, no. Okay, okay, I was expecting some initial resistance, and I'm prepared. According to a survey from a leading business publication, "employees who have their own work space are not only happier, but more productive and efficient." Still no. We don't have any room. What about the unused space in there in the kitchen? It's only unused because you aren't doing the work I left there for you. But the fact that you left work there for me means you already think of it as my workspace. Only until you finish the work, and then it's the kitchen again. So if I don't finish the work, then I'll always have a workspace. If you don't finish the work, you won't work here anymore. I'm getting a headache. Not me. I could do this all day. Well, then can I at least bring in a few things from home, make me feel more comfortable? Linda-- You have things from home. You have pictures, that vase, this stupid, dangly, leggy doll thing... This happens to have a lot of sentimental value. My father gave this to me when I was just-- Uh, Margaret, ticktock. I've got work piling up. All right, all right. You can bring one thing from home. Just one. One thing from home. Just one. What was that? Thank you, Margaret. Good morning, John. It sucks. Or not. I didn't get any sleep last night. A damn street light was flickering outside my window all night long. Can you imagine that? Eight hours. On, off, on, off, on, off. You know- - You know how annoying that is? I'm familiar with the concept, yes. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Not so fast. Uh, Timothy Fryer is in Three with a possible strep throat. Lenny Kramer is in Two. You need to check his x-rays, and this-- You know what? This is sounding like a really busy morning. You know what would help me out? If I could find someone to call the city for me-- Uh-uh. I know where this is going, and the answer is "no." Your streetlight did not keep me awake, and I am not your personal assistant. Yes, clearly not. You know something? This is just gonna drag on and on. I'm not gonna get any more sleep, and you know what happens then? I start to get a little cranky. Just suck it up. Anger doesn't solve anything. You're a big boy. You have a problem, deal with it like an adult. Margaret, the whole-- And don't give me that little pouty face. I am not your mother. You complain, complain. Now, off you go. Off you go... Uh, what was that? Thank you, Margaret. Hey, Lenny. How's the wrist doing? Um, the broken one? Uh, okay, all right, let's-- Let's talk about that one. Shall we? Okay, let's see here. Wow, realignment's pretty much what I expected, strong callus formations along the radius there. See, that's the part with... It's, uh, looking good. Looking good. Whew. That's a relief. I didn't know where you were going with that. Yeah, yeah. Relax. You're gonna be playing ball in no time. Just next time you get in a fight with your girlfriend, don't punch a hole in the wall, all right? Remember, anger doesn't solve anything. You know, just, just suck it up. You got a problem, you just deal with it like an adult. You mean drink? No, no, I don't. Uh, speaking of drinking, though, have you nailed down where you're going to college? Not yet. Coach wants me to pitch for Stanford, but... Yeah. who wants to go to school in Connecticut, right? Oh, boy. I tell you, this country's in a lot of trouble. Linda? I'll be there in a minute, Margaret. I-- Now. Linda, do you know anything about the dog in Dr. Becker's office? Yeah, his name is Gus. He likes his belly rubbed. But who doesn't? If you have any of those liver treats on you, he-- Get him out of here. But you said I could bring in one thing to the office. That is not a thing. That is a dog. Don't tell Gus that. He thinks he's a person. Well, so do you, but we digress. Now, let me put it this way: One of you has to go, and if he can file, your days are numbered. Oh, this is great. Richard Hammel's conducting an evening of Vivaldi tonight. You wanna go? Not even if they restored my sight during intermission. You really don't like classical music, do you? No, I love classical music. Hate Richard Hammel. I find his interpretation of Vivaldi to be hopelessly pedestrian. He races through the emotional passages, and he's too flowery where the music simply calls for restraint. But hey, if you like it, you go right ahead. Oh, come on, lady, I've seen continents drift faster than this. Would it make it easier on you if we just put all the old people on skates? Yes, it would. Just give me some coffee, will you? I just spent the last half hour on the phone with the city trying to get them to fix this flickering streetlight outside my apartment. And they told me to forget it. It doesn't pose a serious enough threat to public safety, which just proves they have no idea how pissed off I am. Well, I sure don't have any complaints about the city. They give me whatever I want. Beeping traffic signals, Braille in elevators, building addresses in Braille. It's almost as if they have nothing else to do. Hey, Jake, why don't you call the city for me? You know, do that pitiful blind guy thing you do. Come on, maybe they'd go for it. Anyone else see a flaw in that logic? A blind guy complaining about a flickering streetlight? You just killed that ray of hope. Do you have anything to put in its place? As a matter of fact, once the sidewalk in front of the diner was cracked, and my dad started a petition. The city fixed it within a week. Well, your dad's dead so he's no help. You know what? I got it. Here's what you do: draw something up, get everyone who comes in here to sign it. As soon as there's something wrong with my streetlight, that's exactly what I'll do. Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. You're from the "Me" generation. Yeah, we got a website and everything. So, Jake, you sure you don't want to reconsider the Vivaldi concert? Yep. Vivaldi? Oh, let me guess. You hate Vivaldi. You hate people who like Vivaldi, people who go to concerts to hear Vivaldi, and anyone named Vivaldi. Quit saying Vivaldi, will you? It just so happens that Four Seasons is some of my favorite music. Your- - Your daddy used to play it when we were having poker games. Vivaldi at a poker game? That's quite a manly bunch you had there. Did you braid each other's hair too? Jake, hot coffee. That's a good one, John. Almost as good as the jigsaw puzzle you got me for Christmas. I liked that one too. That was a good one. When I was growing up, my dad played Four Seasons all the time. But he tried to fool me. He'd play "Winter" on the first day of spring, and "Spring" on the first day of summer, and "Summer" on the first day-- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, your dad was hilarious. Well, here's an idea. Why don't the two of you go together? Well, why not? You both like Vivaldi. What's the big deal? Becker, there's like no chance in hell you'd ever want to go to a concert with me, is there? I didn't think so. Whoa, whoa. Hold- - Hold on. I'm still a little dizzy from that gracious invitation. Okay, you know, what the hell? But we don't have to go out to dinner first, though, do we? I mean, it's such a hassle. No, that's okay. Oh, buy the girl a meal. How cheap are you? I'm not cheap. I- - I just don't like going downtown during rush hour. So take her out after the concert. You can't have a meal after 10:00? What are you, like, 90? No, I, I, I-- All I'm saying is those places are usually very crowded. If that's all right with you. That's fine with me. Is it okay with you, Jake? It's got nothing to do with me. I'll see you tonight, Becker. I got your hot coffee right here. Hi there. How are you today? Look, I'm, uh, circulating a petition to get the broken streetlight outside fixed. Uh, stay away from us. You're the one who slammed the door in our faces when my Tiffany was selling cookies. Oh, yeah, uh, right. Look, look, I thought you were that lesbian with her dwarf girlfriend who used to live in the building. You know, they-- They stole my tools. Oh, hey, come-- You know, who--? Who lets their kid go door to door selling crap nobody wants anyway? You know, where- - Where's your kid at two in the morning when I need cigarettes? Oh, hi there, neighbors. Um, I represent a coalition of tenants who are petitioning the city to fix a dangerously malfunctioning streetlight. Uh, leave us alone. You've caused us enough trouble. All right, all right-- Whoa. Wait-- I'm sorry I called the cops that night. But you- - You were loitering outside my apartment making a hell of a racket. We were singing Christmas carols. Well, yeah, sure, in-- In hindsight. You wanna sign a petition? Gee, I don't know. What's it for? Oh, uh, well, it's-- It's to fix the broken streetlight outside. It's flashing all night long. I can't get any sleep. I know what you mean. It's been bugging me too. Really? Yeah. But just knowing how much it bothers you gives me the strength I need to endure hell itself until you've either moved out or died. Okay. That's one "undecided." Yes, I'm still here. You didn't think anyone was crazy enough to stay on hold this long, did you? Yeah, no, forget it. Your name is what again? Martinez, right. And you work for the Department of Sanitation? Perfect. Listen first of all, let me tell you, I love what you guys do. You do great work. Anyhoo, I-- I got a question for you. Say- - Say you got a-- You got a broken, uh-- Broken table lamp, you know? And you put it out in the garbage. You guys come pick that up, right? Right. Well, I, I got a broken streetlight outside my-- My window here. I want you guys to come haul it away. No, no, no, don't transfer me to Public Works. They hate me there. I- - I know it's late. You've got a family to go home to. You know, hey, I've got a family too, pal. You know, the light's driving us all nuts. You know, little Bobby hasn't been able to finish his homework, and Janie hasn't slept for days. Janie, stop crying. Nice man's gonna fix everything for us. Well, why not, for God's sake? It's garbage. You guys pick up garbage, right? Just come pick it up. Hello? Hello? Oh, man. Aw, jeez. Psst. This is nice. Good seats too. Shh. Right. Quiet. Right. Psst. You know what I can't understand is how the city can build a beautiful hall like this, but they can't manage to change one stinking light bulb. Let it go. Enjoy the music. You're right. Psst. I'm right, though, aren't I? I mean, all I need is one ladder, one guy, one light bulb. Shh. Sorry. Psst. Would you stop making that ridiculous noise? You're driving me crazy. Oh. No, no, no, see, I-- I didn't mean you. Uh, Tourette's Syndrome. Damn you. Damn you. We may have to increase the medication. What the hell? Psst. If I ever invite you to do anything with me again, shoot me. Linda, do you remember that discussion we had yesterday about you leaving your dog at home? Yeah. Well, then who exactly is licking my ankle right now? He likes you. Uh, here's the thing. See, yesterday when you said I could bring in one personal item and did not rule out dogs, I fired my dog walker. Now the soonest I can get him back is next week. So this is simply gonna have to do. End of story. End of story? Oh, Margaret, look at this face. How can you say "no" to this face? Oh, all right. Just for today. But he has to stay in the storeroom, and he doesn't bother the patients, he doesn't bother Dr. Becker, and he doesn't bother me. And that last one is the most important. All right, all right. It's okay, Gus. The storeroom isn't so bad. Sometimes I spend hours in there. Look, I don't care if it takes a light bulb, a tiki torch or 1000 flatulent fireflies. Just stop the flickering. Can you hold a sec? Margaret. Oh, sorry. He got out of the storeroom. Somehow he learned how to work a doorknob. Push. Then pull. You gotta be kidding me. Look, I did not invent the prostate exam. Believe me, if I had, we would be doing this through the mail. But, I mean, my God... Mr. Williams, I haven't slept in two days, so forgive me if I'm not my usual cheery self. But how the hell'd you think I was gonna examine your prostate? Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, I didn't really know where it was. I just figured you'd you have me open my mouth and say "ah." My arm's not that long. Now, come on, suck it up here, will you, please? John. Yes? What? We need you out here. Well, come in. It's all right. What? We have an emergency. Male, 33, just walked in. Rat bite. Uh, no meds, no allergies. Uh, his last tetanus was three years ago. He's pretty anxious. Mr. Williams, will you give me a minute? Please, take all the time you need. Just- - Just try and relax, will you? I haven't relaxed since you snapped on that glove. Hi there, I'm John Becker. Hear you got bit by a rat. A rat? Yeah. A big rat. A big fat greasy rat bit me on my leg, and I'm thinking maybe I got rabies. Which is why I came to see you. I thought I'd better see somebody quick instead of waiting till I got downtown to a real doctor. Oh, I only meant-- Whatever, whatever. Just take your pants down so I can see what's going on, all right? I was making a speech over on Webster Avenue... A speech? What kind of speech? Oh, the city's constructing a park. You know, underprivileged kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, I'm scared to death here. Do you think I have rabies? I seriously doubt it, but why don't you hop up there and we'll take a look? Rabies is very rare. In all my years of practice, I've never seen a single case. But just to safe, I'll give you some antibiotics. Oh, that's a relief. So you were making a speech, huh? What are you, a somebody? I'm Henry Millman. I'm one of the Executive Assistants to the Borough President. This borough? The Bronx? No, Staten Island. I'm vacationing overseas. Look, I'm in a hurry here, so if you don't mind, is this gonna take long? You know, maybe you could help me out here. I got a problem with a streetlight outside my apartment. It- - It flickers. I'm not sure you realize what an Executive Assistant does, but I can assure you it is not fixing streetlights. Ah. Now, if you don't mind, I'm in a hurry here, so please-- Yes, I'm sure you are. Can you just give me a second? Margaret! Hand me your pants there, will you, please? Margaret, why don't you take Mr. Millman's pants and, uh, keep 'em some place safe? We may have to run some tests on these. What tests? Just take the pants. Um, what kind of tests? Do you know anything about rodent DNA? No. Then we'll be testing your pants for rodent DNA. Now, while I've got you here, why don't we talk about my streetlight, and whom you might call on my behalf. I told you, I don't have time. No, you don't have pants. Okay, I know you can do this, Lenny. Boy, whoever lives there is gonna be pissed. Yeah, but I'll get over it. Now focus. Bottom of the ninth, score's tied, bases loaded, three-two count. This pitch could mean the entire game, Lenny. Nice one, kid. Glad to help. But I don't get it. I thought you said adults were supposed to handle their problems in a mature way. Hey, what the hell are you doing down there? Uh, tried. It didn't work. Run, Lenny! Daddy? Daddy. Daddy. Waah! Aah! Damn it. We just wanted to tell you something. Daddy, we wanted to let you know that... Don't you ever, ever wake me up like that again. It's extremely dangerous. - Daddy? Daddy? - Yeah? We're pregnant. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you say? We're pregnant... Both of us. You mean you were raped? What? No. Daddy, no. We've been with them for, like, 3 months. Daddy, you don't know what you're talking about here. These people gave you a drug, and then they raped you. - I'm gonna kill them. - Daddy, no! You're gonna be a grampa, not a murderer. I'm going to kill... Daddy! No! Oh, oh, help me, Jesus, in my time of need. Please take your seats and prepare to share. Look at the Swede in that suit. Are we not twice blessed by this beautiful, beautiful sight? Dearly beloved, we gather today for this double wedding doubly happy, celebrating the purity of commitment, doubling our Joy as we redouble our efforts to double up on love. ♪ She was afraid to come out of the locker ♪ ♪ She was as nervous as she could be ♪ ♪ She was afraid to come out of the locker ♪ ♪ She was afraid that somebody would see ♪ ♪ Ia la ha ha ha! ♪ It was an itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny ♪ ♪ Yellow polka dot bikini ♪ that she wore for the first time today ♪ ♪ An itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny ♪ ♪ Yellow polka dot bikini ♪ so in the locker she wanted to stay ♪ ♪ She was afraid to come out of the ocean... ♪ So, your folks here? Nah. They got a place up in loon falls. Too far to drive, you know? Yours? Nah. Mine didn't come, neither. Ha ha ha! Gee, in town 3 months, I'm married. That's lucky, huh? Very. So, how'd you propose to Inga? It was real romantic. You can't be pregnant. Well, I am. Do you have to be? Oh, the Swede is gonna kill me. We're just gonna have to get married. I know. Congratulations. You're gonna be a daddy, too. What do you mean, "too"? I proposed to Liv in the same fashion. I'm pregnant. Oh, the Swede will kill me. I'll have to marry you, you know? I know, and daddy knows. Is he happy? Ha ha ha! We're lucky the Swede didn't kill us. Oh, that day, I thought he was gonna. I want you stinkballs to come over here. I want your asses in this chair right now. Come on. First off, I hate you. Mr. Sorenson... Shut up! If you interrupt me once more, I'm gonna tear your nuts off and sew them in your mouth. I'm sorry. Now, my daughters are the flowers of my life... And you ripped them, and if I had my chance right now, I'd kill you with my bare hands. Real fun guy, huh? Yeah. He's fun. I suppose we're in this together. What's your name again? Lundstrom, Larry Lundstrom. ♪ It was an itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny ♪ ♪ Yellow polka dot bikini I'm so glad we're getting to be brides together, Inga. I told you Larry was the way to go to get like me and bud. Oh, for sure. Now I got to really get pregnant. You better, Liv. You have to. Oh, I know. There they are. Hi, guys. Hi. ♪ True love is a two-way street ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha, it's a happy feat... ♪ Oh! - Have fun, guys. - Later. Oh, Larry, it's so romantic. Oh. Think they got candles here? Hey, is that genuine velvet? What's that? Wow, they wasted no time. That can't be too good for the baby. Really? Does that mean that we can't... You know. What? Why not? Well, because of the baby. No. We'll be fine. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch this. Watch. Bud Dyerson, you get off of my daughter. Where? Sir? Stop humping on her and get over here, or I'll rip your spinal cord out. Ha ha! Where is he? Well, what took you so long? Tuck in your shirt. Cover up your belly. Where is he? That was mean. Huh? It was him clowning. You don't ever do that voice around me again, Larry. Get over here. I mean that. Never again. Hee hee! Sheesh. Yeah. Hurry, boys! Ah... Uh! Sir, it's Billy, sir. We got him. Over. Wounded, bleeding but alive. Sir, should we bring him back here? Rolf, your call. Sky is clearing. Gonna be a nice day. Okey-dokey. Ha ha! You're not coming, judge? You don't need me. You know what to do. Come on. Let's go, huh? Here he is, sir. Well, what are we looking at here? Oh, yeah. Well, he's tore up pretty good. You get the ambulance. Better get a tourniquet on this fella. Turn him around. Turn him around. Okey-dokey. All of tinseltown is buzzing about them... Those star-studded television spots for... Look at this place. I feel like I'm living in a mailbox. I don't see daddy or Liv anymore, and nice job. It's ok. Honey. Honey, honey, it's ok. It's ok. Relax. It's ok. Come here. Sit down. It's ok. It's all right. You're all right. Here. Have a wine cooler. We'll watch these together here. Ok. You ok? Yeah. ...leading to 7 bedrooms. "Why 7?" You ask. One for each night of the week, of course. We raise our glasses with a hale and hearty cheer. I want to go visit Inga. Why? You see her in school every day. Well, let's have them over here, then. I'm lonely, Larry. I'm here, your husband. Yeah. Well, just that ever since the wedding, I really miss Inga, and I miss daddy, too. You do? Yeah. I do. Hmm... Sir... Federal agent just cleared the east checkpoint, sir. I'll be right down. Sir? There's somebody here for you. Oh. Hello, warden. Please sit down. Special agent Karen polarski, FBI. Oh, yeah. You're FBI? Yes, sir. For heaven's sake. It's the first time I get to talk to a lady agent. If they're all as pretty as you are, let's change them all. Ha ha ha! Thank you, sir. Well... What can I do for you? I'm here... Hey, wait a minute. Wait I minute. I know who you are. - Your name is Karen, isn't it? - Yes, sir. Not anymore. It's polarski, my mother's maiden name. You're judge rausenberger's daughter. Yes, sir. I am. Well, I'm here to talk to you about last week's prison escape attempt. Well, oh, boy, that was a mess. That was a real fish fry there. Can you tell me a little bit about what happened that morning? Yeah. We chased him through the woods there, and this guy, he was real dangerous. He was what they call a stumper, you know? He'd run out, and he'd hide behind a stump, and, boy, he'd take you with him, and... You were there when they found him. No. I wasn't. I saw him when he was wounded. He had a wound in his leg. Yes. That's the wound that brought him down, but the wound that killed him was in the back of the neck... Possibly a Colt or a Magnum. Oh, that's liable to happen. You know, when a guy like that, you know, suddenly makes a move on you, boy... Is that what he did? Did he do that to you, sir? I don't know. I don't remember. It was all such a blur, you know? Did you shoot the prisoner, sir? Huh? Did you shoot the prisoner, sir? I don't remember. Sir, do you have a memory problem? Sometimes I think I do... But I'm gonna remember this moment, boy. Be on the witness stand there. Yes. Yes. Have you shot other prisoners, sir? You're talking to me like I'm, you know... Well, I'm asking you a question, and you're not giving me an answer now, are you? I'm giving you the best answer I can. Man on radio: Come in, sir. Just a second. Can we start back in without you, sir? No, no, no. Full negative on that. I'm coming over there. Got you. I got to go over there and... Well, when your memory clears up, I'd be very happy if you give me a call, and if not, I'll call you. All right. All right? All right. Very good talking to you. Yeah. Say hello to your dad for me. You say hi, too. Yeah. Yeah, you goddamn slut. Pretty ass. Son of a bitch. Goddamn bitch. Jesus Christ. The fuck you doing here? Daddy. Daddy. Ha ha ha! I'm gonna finish my smoke before we have to meet the warden. Hey, lar. Lar, come here. Come here. Come here. Hi! I don't know about you, but I got a bad feeling about this. Gee, I've never been away from you this long. Oh, my gosh. My, gosh, look at you. What are you eating, daddy? Oh, that's my supper. A can for dinner? Beans? Oh, that doesn't matter. I'm just so glad you're home. No. You can't eat dinner out of a can. Daddy, this place looks like a mess, eh, Inga? That's it. No. We're coming home. Yeah, to take care of you. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha! Daddy, we're serious. Ha ha ha! I want you to come back home. Daddy, we're home. I want you to come back home. I miss you a lot, gosh darn it. Oh, we missed you. We're coming back home. All be one family under one big roof. Paradise and absolute freedom to do whatever you want. Last beer of the day for me. Now that they made me senior engineer, you got to watch every inch of them tracks. You never know when you have to stop on a dime. You're still singing that same lame old song there, Dwayne? Bud, bud, bud, man gets a job like mine in these parts, he becomes part of the legend of the train. How many beers has he had? Tapster, how much do I owe you? You owe me for 3 beer. Hey, Dwayne, what, you steal those the old money train, or what? Now that I'm in charge of that run, you don't even joke about it. You're in charge of the run? Come on. No way. I'm the engineer on the old money train. What's the old money train? Once a year, the Canadian exchange trust collects enough worn-out U.S. currency to ship back to the U.S. international exchange you're looking at the man in charge of the midwest states run. Pretty tall words for a grease monkey that rides the rails. What, do you think you're a banker now, Dwayne? Come on. I don't know a hoser around here who's gonna pay for a tow when they can just get a pull from the rope and their neighbor's 4-wheel drive. Who needs you and your truck? Why don't you get a real job, bud? See you around, boys. Take her easy, Dwayne. Whatever. These are on the house. I don't need your charity... You know, maybe things'll loosen up once we moved in with the Swede, huh? I ain't moving nowhere. Come on, bud. Bud! Daddy is gonna kill us. In this house, we live by these rules. Bible. I'm gonna read you something here. "If a man seduces a virgin "who is not pledged to be married "and he sleeps with her, then he must pay the bride's price." You understand that? Yes. So, you're gonna work around here. You're gonna have to pay the bride's price. Now, I hear you're a pretty good cook. That's what they say. I'm good. Now, ok. Then you cook, and you're gonna clean... And, you, you're gonna chop the wood. You're gonna mow the lawn. You're gonna shovel the snow... And, most of all, you're gonna take care of my truck. Your truck, sir? You know about that, don't you? No, sir. You don't? No, sir. Well, the whole town knows about my truck. I don't know where the hell you been. Well, I was with him when... All right. Just hold it there. This truck is my life savings. Outside of my daughters, there is nothing more important in my life than this truck that's coming to me. You're gonna keep it in show c... Don't be drinking when I'm talking, goddamn it. You're gonna keep that truck in "a" condition. I don't even want to think about what's gonna happen. Now, that's not all. I want you to hear another verse from the Bible. "Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure." Pure. You got it? Pure. Yeah. You know what that means. No fornication under this roof unless it's the designated once-a-month conjugal visit, and then never on Sunday ever. Your duties start now, and my duty is to straighten you pagans out, no matter what it takes because if you two don't cut the mustard, you'll both be in the lake of fire. Lake of fire! ♪ Hey ♪ oh, yeah, yeah ♪ mm ♪ I want to love you tonight waah ha ha ha! Oh! Honey. Whoo hoo hoo! Morning, sir. Morning. All right. Let's have a smile. Come on, you bubbles. Hey. That's better. Mm-hmm. Sorry, sir. All right, everybody. Back to your cells. Where are those fornicators? Daddy, it's ok. It's our visiting day... Tuesday, not Sunday. Tuesday? Tuesday, sir. Yeah. Goddamn. Oh, where were we? Where were we? We were, um, right into... Oh, right. Ohh... Uh, sir... I want your asses... Liv? Liv, are these what you were looking for? Wow, Inga, your baby is really showing. Yeah, and you're really not, Liv. When are you really gonna get pregnant well, it's tough for me and Larry to make a baby, especially with daddy's house rules. Don't worry. I'm gonna do it. You better. They're downstairs with daddy having fun. Hey! Nngh! Now, you both have committed fornication, have you not? Yeah. I guess so. Yes. Jesus! Did you say, "Jesus"? We are not to take the lord's name in vain. Holy m... Mackerel. Now, in addition, Lawrence, the cardinal sin which was committed by you was that your broke wind in church. Well, I saw you hunch up on one cheek before you blasted one off, and that makes it a double sin. Aah! Aah! Aah! Life is hell. I'm not even happy anymore. I always get my ass kicked around and tortured by that damn Swede. Wait till he gets a new truck, huh? I'll be down in the wheel well with a toothbrush. Maybe when the babies come, everything will get easier, you know, soften the Swede up. I know when my baby brother Scotty came along, I stopped getting the belt. Right. Dwayne, I knew I'd find you here. Want a beer, huh? Huh? Ha ha! Hello. Hello. Guys, this is Louis. He's the other half on the old money train. Louis guards the loot in the mail car. I don't know Dwayne for long, but I can say he's my brother. We're gonna make our first currency trip between our two countries quite soon, right, boy? Sure you don't want a beer, huh? What is this dude talking about? Louis is proud as hell. We're riding the big ghost, making the big money run in a couple of weeks, right, Louis? Yes, sir, with assistants. You mean, between the midwest provinces and the U.S. banks? That's us, right, Louis? Yes, sir, with assistants. Sure you don't want a beer, hmm? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I buy you guys a beer? Oh... Why not? Oh, yeah. Get them a beer, will you, Larry? I can't do it. Another beer of the day for me. Tell me about your trip. Let's see what you got. Warden Sorenson, I'd like to present you with what must be the culmination of a great man's work. How about letting me get my hand back, and then you can give me the key? Ha ha! Yes, sir. Of course. Here are the keys to this wonderful piece of engineering. I bet the Swede is getting a boner for the first time in years. Don't you just want to caress it? My god. Hold it. Brad, the chicks. Oh, ha ha! The guys. Hi. Cute. Ha ha! Yeah. That's it. God bless America and the truck that she makes. God bless me. Thanks, god, for these gifts. I'll jump first. What's the matter with you? I can't swim! Ohh... Whoaaaaaa! Ah, shit! Ah, you see that? See how butch has all the ideas and the kid follows? But they're partners, right? Yeah. Like all partners, one has the brain. The other does the following. But they're still partners. You're damn right they're partners. How many times can he drive to the end of the road and back? Oh, the Swede don't care how many times you have to hose off the mud. He don't. "Arrismense a la pared." They're against the wall already! Look at the ceiling, will you? Look at the blue glow from the TV. It's beautiful, isn't it? Look at this golden hue. You know what you're seeing, Larry? You're looking at what life is really about, not what we thought it would be back in high school... The blue glow of that TV, these aluminum cans of gold. These are my life. What the hell happened, Larry? Where'd we go wrong? Well, heck, a lot of guys like drinking beer and watching TV, bud. I love drinking beer and watching TV, but I love my wife, too, and i... The girls aren't the problem. They're big on the blue and the gold and all, but they're never gonna be the wives we want them to be as long as we're all still living here. Escape takes a plan. Ha ha! Got a lot of mud on that truck for you. Catch it. Right. I'm on it. Larry, to be continued. Apparently, warden Sorenson has a long history of dead escapees, and this turk guy... number 9 in the past two years, all shot in the back. Yeah. We'll he's trying to stonewall me, but I'm gonna track him down tonight at Florence point day. It kind of celebrates the time that the railroad first came to town about 200 years ago. ♪ She was afraid to come out of the locker ♪ ♪ She was as nervous as she could be ♪ ♪ She was afraid to come out of the locker... ♪ So, boys, that's my offer. Bud, they're just dancing with those fellas the cha-cha. Bud, are you listening? Let me get this straight. You got this job opening for Larry cooking guard food. Is that it, 120 meals a day, and you want me to be your janitor? First of all, cooking the guards' food is gonna pay him a whole lot more... Thanks, lauter. Later. Bud, a guy could do much worse. Much worse, a guy could do. I got a great deal for you, Larry. Where we going? Tell him. Tell him. Liv Sorenson lied to her father. Look, Kim. You're certain the Swede is not aware of this? Yeah. I'm sure. Liv lied to him. Ms. schmidt, your daughter has a duty. It's time the Swede knew. I know. I know. I ain't robbing no trains, bud. Larry, I know something about you and your wife you hear out my plan, and I'll let you in on the secret that only you and that big, dumb Swede don't know. It's about your kid. You're scaring me. Hear out my plan, and I'll tell you the secret. You want to know why this may be even easier than stealing a watch? Nobody robs trains anymore. The two hosers running the show, Dwayne and Louis, well, they've been dumb enough to give me insider information. Kid, picture this. Next Wednesday... Ok. The train with all that old money on it comes cruising past north point. It crosses there at noon. I stopwatched it. It's gonna stop when Dwayne sees the tracks blocked. See, the night before, I'm gonna tow a big rig or a giant semi, whatever I can get my hands on, under the cover of darkness out of birch county. How you gonna get a rig up on north point? Shh. Shh. Oh. Sorry. I got to go to the ladies' powder room. The cab that I swipe will have enough horsepower to make it up the goat trail. Then the next day at noon... Well, a bit before, really... You and I are gonna drive my truck to the end of the goat trail. Now, we're gonna have ski masks on, black ones. Black? Yes. Black ones and guns we've taken from the Swede's kitchen. When Dwayne stops for the track blocker, you'll subdue him and his brakeman by brandishing your weapon. In the meantime, I'll be brandishing Louis and the other canuck in the mail car, and they'll fill them bags with the prize money under the watchful eye of my revolver. In the meantime again, Dwayne and the brakeman will be running for their lives up the open track. You got to scream and shout and get them to run, but don't forget to come pick me up. See, you got to fire shots in the air to get them to run first, ok? Wait. Shh. Ohh... ♪ It was an itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny ♪ ♪ Yellow polka dot bikini ♪ so in the water she wanted to stay ♪ ♪ Cha cha cha jeez, my junior-high sweetheart. Karen, is that you? Is that Karen rausenberger? Judge, is that your daughter? ♪ My love ♪ I'll never find the words, my love ♪ Lord almighty, Karen, we all heard you went off to run the CIA. Oh, well, don't say, "CIA," to an FBI agent, now. They might arrest you. Hey. Hi. Dwayne. Wow. Karen. So, you're really with the FBI? You know, tonight I just wanted to see my hometown, see all the people. Yay. Would you excuse me for a moment? So nice to see you. I know her. Mr. hock, Mrs. schmidt. Hey, Karen. How are you? Oh, well, it's agent, but hello, warden. How are you? You're looking pretty slick there. Listen. It's been real hard to get a hold of you. I've got some new facts about our case why don't you go talk to your father about that? But I want to finish my conversation with my friend here. You know, see you around later. You better be careful. You're getting that on your mustache. Well... see you later. Bye-bye. Tell him. Tell him. I wish... What do you want, darling? What do you want? Mr. Sorenson, sir, uh... Let's start over in the beginning. What is it that you want to tell me? Come on. Come on. What do you want me to say after all these years? I don't know, something like, "how are you?" Or, "nice to see you." This is where you pick for your visit. What, to show me up, to humiliate me in front of all the people I deal with every day of my life? Dad, I didn't come here to humiliate anybody. I had business here. I had people I had to see. You want to talk? Come home. Your room is there just waiting, just the same. ♪ You make me feel brand-new... ♪ Daddy, what's wrong? You lied to me. No, I didn't. She lied. I'm Inga. She's Liv, daddy. Did you lie to me? He made me do it. Who made you do it? Larry. Larry. 8 weeks from now, us, the girls and all the money we'll ever need will be in a nice, warm place a world away. Larry, think about it... Air-conditioned bungalow, 32-inch television, a keg of beer, and our self-respect, the blue and the gold, Larry, the blue and the gold. Think about it. What do you say? I say no. What? Now you keep your end of the bargain, bud. What about my baby? Ok. Fine. You asked for it. Here it comes. Ok, you little cornholes. You're in here. You're in there. Well, not there. All right, you son of a bitch. Ha ha ha! Ok. Well, on 3, here comes Santa. Here comes Santa. Huh? Got a couple mice in there. Now, you little stinkball fornicators, you're gonna be in a lake of fire now. Drop your weapon, warden. Huh? I said, drop your gun! Fuck you, you little... Now! Aah! Aah! Waah! You guys get out of here. Thanks. It's ok, bud. Are you all right? I certainly hope so. Bud... What? I'm in. I'm in with your blue-and-the-gold plan. You... You are the kid. Kid, you are a winner. The masked avenger wasn't even finished fighting... Nah. Liv: Inga, bud is setting the table. Maybe now is the time. What do you think? Yeah. Ok. Bud? Yes, honey? Me and Inga think, you know, maybe now is the time to mend the fence. You husbands are talking to father in his own house. Yeah, and if you and Larry take those prison jobs, the squabble you're referring to is attempted manslaughter, but you girls do have a point. Like we say in the tow-truck business, a wreck is something you put behind you. I'll do it for you, Inga. Daddy. Daddy. Baby, come look at this. We're going down the road of my crotch here. We want to talk serious now. The boys want to make it up to you, they want to take those prison jobs you gave them. Bud. Bud. And if they don't dissolve, people will see them, and if they see them, they won't eat them, and if they don't eat them, they won't sleep. Soup is on. Stew worked like a charm. They're out like mackerels. Yeah. Right. Listen to that. Think god is saying something to us? Yeah. I think he's saying, "bud, haul ass." Really? Bud. Yeah? Bud... What if you can't find a rig? Don't worry. You get some sleep, Larry. That schuyler "bud" Dyerson planned the job. Schuyler? Hmm, daddy is up early. I don't know, Liv, but he looks a little bit weird. Well... You win some... And you lose some. Ha ha ha! Daddy! Daddy! What? What? What? What's going on? What? What? Oh, my god! Daddy! Oh, my god! Inga! Oh, the truck! The truck has been stolen! Larry, go call 911! Bud, go call the police. I'll call the police. Oh, lift his feet. I'll get his head. All right. Wait. Let's roll the Swede. Sheriff, bud Dyerson. You better get over here. Somebody stole the warden's truck. Are you sure, bud? Yes! When did you discover... What do you mean, "don't worry"? It's not your truck. It's my truck. And we're gonna get it back by tonight. You know, that sounds like bullshit. God is gonna cut his nuts off, and if you don't get him, I'm cutting your nuts off. Well, we'll find out. God! Sorry, Jesus. Boy, you'd have to be crazy to fool with the Swede's truck. Or have a death wish, huh? You know, the whole town is gonna be talking about this. Which is a blessing in disguise for us. We're gonna use your car for the job. What? Bud, you said we was gonna use your truck. No. I think it's best for all involved if we establish "bud's tow truck" bud, this is already different than what you promised. Don't worry. It's still the utopian picture I painted. You and your car be ready for that goat trail, yeah? We're gonna be late for school. Good morning, ladies. How we doing? What say we get there on time? We better. Come on. Come on. Whoo hoo! Oh. Huh? Come on, car. Come on, car. Come on, Larry. Push. I'm pushing. Push, Larry. Push. Ugh! Uhh! Push harder, Larry. I fell down. I know you can do it, Larry. Push harder. That's it. Stop. Stop. Quit. Uh! That's it, lar. We're running. Come on. Ok. 1, 2, 3. I bet a nickel. All right. I'll see your nickel, and I'll raise you a nickel. Ok. What do I got? Ha ha ha! Got you. Ohh... Larry, Larry, it's ok. That's the Swede's... It's the only rig I could find, Larry. Why'd you do it? The man tried to kill us, dehumanize us. A lot of guys wouldn't want to put themselves in that position. Yeah? Well, then a lot of guys would get the heck out of here. Don't... Come here. We've crossed the line, Larry. I did when I swiped that thing. You did when you saw it. What line? Trust me. This is the high life. Ha! Ha ha ha! Here's your gun. Here's your egg timer. You just sit tight and wait for the train, ok? It's gonna stop about 10, 15 yards from here, and when it does, you set that timer for one minute. That'll give me 60 seconds to call the loot, and when you egg is done, you and the truck come get me. What do I do while I'm waiting? Get your shoulders up. Bulk up. Think big. Be big like the Swede. It's a great day to be big, Larry. It is a great day to be big. Be big, Larry! Here she comes. Here she comes. Here she comes. Ok. 1, 2, 3. Hey. Hey! Larry? Something on the tracks, Dwayne. I don't see nothing but my bet. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Hey. N... no. No! Ohh! Yaah! Ooh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Maybe that was a moose you saw out there. Maybe the old gal backfired. I think there's something out there, Dwayne. Well, I ain't stopping the train, Doug. Now bet. Oh! Oh! I'm stopping her. You went and hit something. Maybe we hit a cow. Cows don't burn, Doug. Sure, they do. Well, not that much. You ok, Larry? No. I'm not ok. This ain't going like you said. What you're hearing is the silver lining, Larry. It's fourth and long, and we ain't punting. What the hell is that supposed to mean? We're into plan "b." Let's go. Dwayne, Louis. Doug really nailed something big this time. Got to go get your car, Larry. What? I don't think my car will make it up that goat trail. Yes, it will. Just do it, go. He says we hit something. Ah. Oh. Hey. This is a stickup. Freeze! Don't move! I say, "you freeze. I don't move." No, no, no. You freeze. You don't move. This is a stickup. All right. Yeah. Where's the money. Where do you keep the money? Oh, the dollars. Just right in the back. Do you hear me, Louie? We think it's a truck... And I think it's the Swede's. Can't tell you if he was in it or not, but if he's alive... How do you turn this thing off? You just turn off the knob. Which one? The big one. ...because I'm not taking the blame for this. Well, you said it was a cow. Well, you said it was... Aah! Oh! Oh, shit. Hey, what... Now, you'll need this. You know what to do. There you go. Take the bag. Take the bag. I'll give you the money. Oh, shit. There you go. Help! Lock it up. Yes, sir. Oh, absolutely. My ass, I don't want to be shot in there. Come on, Larry. Goat trail. He's gone. You can... He's gone. They. Yeah. Well... Maybe we should call the police. Oh. Jeez. Yaah! Yaah! Oh, bud! Bud. Where were you, Larry? You were supposed to be at the mail car. We're dead. We're not dead. Hand onto something. Ok, Larry? Yeah. You're going back to the diner like as if nothing has happened. We made it, Larry. We made it! Yes! We did it. Bud? Yaah! Bud, where are you, bud? Pick up, bud. This is sheriff knudson. Go for bud. Hey, bud, we're gonna need you and your truck. Got a tow job for you out here at north point. North point? Yeah. Well, this guy pointed a gun at me, and I just put my hands up like this, and I told him, "freeze. Don't move, please," and so he took the money bag and picked it out. Ok, but the only thing you two guys are certain of is that they were black? Oh, black, yes, all over black. Ah, oui. All over. They let you guys deliver all this cash with the security of a dump truck? The mail car is an armored car, hmm? Jacques himself is armed, as you can see. Uh-huh. Eh? Thanks. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. All right. This is the part that I don't get, ok? If you know that the door is all you got, why'd you open it? Well... He knocked, yeah? Brand-new truck. What a shame. Oh, no. Here's a souvenir, sir. Sorry. Really sorry about that. Uh... What'd he say? Must be Swedish. Mm... Mm. Man, I haven't been this hungry in years. Warden, what I was saying is that I can't help but think this whole thing was personal. The sheer volume of malice is incredible. If I was you, I'd be checking all recently released prisoners or escapees. When I find this man, I'm gonna eat his brains with a teaspoon while he begs for mercy from me. Oh, yeah. I can't wait to go to jail, sir. You know, when I go to my kitchen job at the prison. That's what I was talking about. Maybe you need a ride because your truck was hit by a train. Reminds me, warden. I won't be clocking in tomorrow on account of a guy I met when I was hauling that wreck off the tracks. Offered me steady pay at the salvage yard it's a much better offer than Mr. lauter's deal, so, uh, hey. Hmm. I need to talk to you, a chat. But taking that jail work isn't something you should've shot me out of the blue. You don't get it, bud. I'm out. You can keep the money. I'd rather go to jail than touch it. You got what we call in the trade the post-heist jitters. You don't talk to me anymore. What? You caught me every step of the way on that truck and the whole thing. It was nothing like you said it would be. You got the whole state on a manhunt after us, and we're living in the executioner's house. I mean it, bud. I don't trust you, and I don't know you. Ok. Don't crack, Larry. Whatever you do, do not crack there will be no cracking, all right? You go to hell, bud. Larry, I love you. He'll thank me. Morning, warden. Morning, sir. Fly. Oh. Morning, warden. Better not smile. Now get to work. All right, everybody. Back to your cells. Faster. ♪ The best things in life are free... ♪ Hey, rockefeller. Thank you. ♪ I want money ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ That's all I want ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ That's what I want ♪ that's all I want ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ Money don't get everything, it's true ♪ ♪ What it don't, baby, I can't use ♪ ♪ I want money ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ That's all I want ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ That's what I want ♪ that's all I want ♪ that's what I want ♪ ♪ That's what I want ♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, judge. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I want you to shut every hole in your body now. Yes, sir. You don't have much of a case here. You don't. Rolf... Let me tell you something. He's buying steaks, buying tennis shoes, and he's spending this worn-out money left and right, and I say let's go get him. This is federal court. You got to keep it out of it. He goes into federal court straight into a federal prison. I want this monkey behind my bars. I'm beginning to have a problem with this meeting. Rolf, why don't you let me remind you of something there. Remember the turk, that convict that was determined to take you, kill you, blow you away? I let him loose so I could get rid of him at your request. Remember that? No. I don't remember that. At my request? Oh, no, no. Yeah. You don't remember that? Oh, no. Ho ho ho! Oh, no. Ha ha ha! I know all about him, and I'm up to my nuts in this thing. I even got this wonderful polarski girl climbing up my ass, asking me a whole lot of big, fancy Washington questions. You know, I really should do something about that. You know that, Rolf. I'll deliver Dyerson to you. Huh? I will deliver Dyerson to you! You just keep your hands off my daughter. We got a deal. Larry, what's going on? Yeah. Sheesh. Upstairs. Son, stay down here! Norm, back him up. Come on, bud, get out of there! Anything you say can be used against you... Lawyer... If you decide not... You still have the right... He's not even dressed yet! Bud, what's going on? Larry, what's going on? I don't have one hint. Um... Father showed me a list of your charges, bud. 42 offenses? Did you really do all that? Nah, they want a scapegoat. So they trump up everything I ever did since I was a kid. Joyriding, parking tickets, the whole package. Well, what about sex with a minor? What was that? Honey, that was you. So I copped to it to avoid a trial where you'd all have to testify about my character. Liv, your father, Larry. Why not? Can't put Larry on the stand. Mr. and Mrs. Dyerson? Hi, I'm agent polarski from the FBI. And, uh, deputy knudsen. Miss Dyerson, I was hoping to have a little word alone with your husband, if I may. Inga: Sure. Can you step aside for the nice lady agent? Ok. Bye, bear. Bye, honey. See you later. You got a key for this? Miss, uh... Oh, you don't remember me, hi. I kind of thought that you did, but... Well, I'm thinking I do, but then I'm also thinking I, uh... We went at the same time. Yeah, right, Karen! Hi, how are you? You were a little bit chunky and shorter with the glasses, right? Yeah, uh, listen, bud. I'm here to talk to you about your plea 'cause you're gonna have to change it. Warden Sorenson can put you in his jail the public defender told me I can get probation, the judge can hand out any sentence he wants. Tell me that you put the truck on those tracks, and I'll put you in a safe federal facility where your life will not be in danger. You're good. You're real good. That's what all this is about, right? Want me to cop for that truck thing. I'm sorry, lady, your trick didn't work. Listen, bud, I know that you did it, I'm just trying to help you. Ma'am, visiting hours are over. Yeah, I'm sure that they are. Change your county plea, or cop to federal. See you in another 20 years, there, Karen. You know what? I really hope so. Missy... For pronouncing sentence, this court... Yes, what is it? May I approach the bench, sir? Now, it has come to the FBI's attention in the currency-run train robbery. What does that have to do with this particular sentencing? Father-in-law's truck in order to rob that train? Rolf, she's goin' overboard a little here. Please, for god's sake, sit down. Daddy, don't do this. Sit down. I'm trying to save your life. Sit down. Sit down! Everyone in this town knows what's going on here. Now, if you put that boy in Sorenson's jail, then you can just kiss his ass good-bye. Because even two weeks will be as good as a death sentence. Wait... wait a second, you're not showing proper respect for this court. This is a court of law, ah, this is not a soapbox. You just take your seat like the judge says. Is it lawful to shoot a convict in the back? Oh, come on. Shuyler Quincy Dyerson, this court sentences you to 20 years hard labor in the state penitentiary. Oh! What? ! Hand the convicted over to warden Sorenson. Ha ha! Your honor! This is a mistake! Bud! My baby! My god... her baby! So I guess you heard about Inga, right? Yeah. I'm sorry, bud. Me, too. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe losing the baby will give me and Inga a new lease on life, well, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? I keep getting these notes from the guards from you... I got a plan, Larry. Oh, I should've seen that coming. I'm leaving, bud. Larry... Larry? I can turn you in. I could, you know. You'd probably be a lot better off if I did, 'cause your life is hell right now, isn't it? Someone has a big bag of cash out there with your name on it, and you know where it is. You get shit on in here. At home, you're the warden's whooping' boy. You got the escape funds but you're screwed, Larry, you are screwed. I think maybe you got it backwards, bud. I got a wife and I got a job. You're the one that's sitting in here for 20 years. You'll come around, Larry. Dyerson? You'll come around. Warden wants to see you right now. Come on, move! Get back to work. Hey! Get back to work. One, two. ♪ Sometimes I feel ♪ like a motherless child ♪ Swede: Ah, there he is. Well, how you doin' there, son? I like your outfit, you look pretty good in that. Thank you, sir. Ha ha ha! Glad you stopped by. Come on in. You know, I haven't had a chance to... To talk to you since... no, no, no, sit over here in... in the boss's chair. Go ahead, sit down. You know, one thing I like to do with the young guys that come in here to... to give them a... You know, a little bit of advice. Eh, you know, so you don't have to go to the gladiators, ha ha ha! Hey, you know you got a lot of tension in these shoulders, there. Right. That... that hurt? Not too bad. You know, listen, there's a fellow around here really gives good massages. He's a good-looking guy, we call him handsome. Aarrggh! I heard the warden gave you special orders said any con can do what they want with him. Anything that can look like he fell down a flight of stairs. But easy on the face. Easy on the face. Arrgh! Uggh! Goofing off again, Lundstrom? Sit down over there, come on! Yeah! Aargh! Aargh! Yaah! My nose ring... My no... my no... Get up! Aah! Warden Sorenson, congratulations on your new truck. I'm... I'm sorry... Bullshit. Just give me the keys. Yes, sir. Sure am glad you got that insurance plan. Yeah. See you later. Yes, sir. Born again. Anyone looking for a new truck? ♪ Love ♪ true love is a two-way street ♪ ♪ Bum, bum it's the happy beat ♪ ♪ Of a two-way street ♪ I repeat that love ♪ true love is a sugar cake ♪ ♪ Bum, bum if you give and take ♪ ♪ Then your heart won't ache ♪ or break ♪ I don't want to kiss you unless you kiss me back ♪ ♪ I don't want to hug you unless you're hugging me back ♪ ♪ I don't want to hold you unless you're holding me back ♪ ♪ So don't hold back with your love ♪ ♪ 'Cause love ♪ true love is a two-way street ♪ ♪ Bum, bum it's the happy beat ♪ ♪ Of a two-way street and they were kissin'. They're married women, what are they thinking? Ah, face it, bud. You got a girl pregnant you had no plans to marry. She and her sister were just playing wives and having fun, and now the fun's over. And we were dumb. Any other news to report, Larry, besides the fact that we were dumb? Well, my car died. For good. So I'm walking. But, hey, how's it going in here with, uh, the beatings? One day at a time. One day at a time. What, Larry? What is it? I'm in, bud. I'm in! With your plan. Larry, you better be sure about this. 'Cause I'm gonna tell you the truth for the first time since I've known you. It's a one-shot deal. It's not going to be easy. It'll make that train look like just another day, partner. What do you say, kid? Sir? Yeah. Um, may I speak with you please? Mr. Swede, sir? Who the hell is it? It's the husband of your daughter. The husband of my... Ha ha ha! Heh... heh... oh, jeez. Come on in, Gary. Um, the name is Larry, sir. Yeah, well... Gary's ok, too. Husband of my daughter, sit... sit down, there. Hah! I'm gonna gut that mutt... One thing that's plain as the nose on... On your face is that you're finished, it's all over between you and my daughter. And it's not because I like these other punks better than you, it's just that... Now I got a whole new set of problems, thanks to you and this other mutt. But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna ask the judge to give you a quickie divorce. Ok, and from now on I'm gonna take all my meals here in the prison, and that'll give you lunch hour to clean my truck up. I'm gettin' a little long in the tooth. The only thing worse than being a loser is not knowing when to cut your losses and get the hell out. Can you understand that? Yeah. Good boy. Now... I got your record here... Somewhere in the drawer, I want to show you something. Ow! Come on! Lauter, bring bud Dyerson to my office, now! Bring bud Dyerson to my... Ah... eh! Lauter? Bring bud Dyerson to my office, now! Wait. It's getting better. Aah! Good punch. Ready to die? Larry: Dyerson, you're next. I'll shoot you like I did him. Lauter, bring him on up here, I need to talk to him. Lauter? Shove Dyerson in here and go downstairs and do a headcount. Do it now! And close that dad-gum door, it's gettin' a little chilly in here. Come on, he wants that headcount. Sir. Bud... Bud! Larry! Bud! Bud! Larry! Oh, my god! Bud. Bud, I shot that big scarred guy and I think I killed him. I shot that guy. It's ok. Don't crack. I won't. Don't fall apart on me now. Not now! Shut the fuck up! Headcount. Ok, shh, they're taking the headcount. Everybody's busy, it's perfect. Now's our chance, let's go. Bud! What about the Swede? Well, lauter finishes the headcount and he comes back up here. And? And finds a bashed-in Swede. No, I just hit him with the microphone a lot. And we'll only be a mile down the road. You got a point. I do? Long! Frank! Let's see. All right... Catch him! Catch him! Get him! Swede, go back in! Take it easy. Load him up. Load him up? Ok. There we go... Sir, he's got the headcount for... Two unaccounted for. Inmate bud Dyerson, kitchen staff Larry Lundstrom. Warden's gone, too? I better go and check downstairs. I better go check downstairs. Hey, you! Was that the Swede in the truck? I think so, sir. Something's wrong here. Get out of my way! We made it. Hah! We made it, Larry! Good job. Good work. All right! Larry? Larry, what are you doing? What are you doing? Larry! What are you doing? ! Larry... Uh... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not here. Come on. Those scheming sons of bitches! Son of a bitch. Earl! Come in! Earl, do you read me? It's lauter! There's been a prison break, for Christ's sake! They stole the Swede and his truck to do it! I'll be there. I'm on their tail for Christ's sake! I need backup! What's he doing, Larry? He's weaving like us. I think I'm gonna be sick again. No, no, no! See if you can cut 'em off at wander road. Move your ass! I've got the pooch, lauter. We're gonna take a left up here. Right. No, left! Right! Hold on! Ugh! Lauter's coming across that field, bud. I can see him! Bud, where are you going? This way! Where? I don't know! Hang on, Larry! Err! Where's the road? I'm gonna get you sons of bitches! Oh, jeez! Aah! Ah! Oh, shit! - Oh! - Whoo! Aah! Bump, Larry... bump! Larry, bump! Larry, bump! Ow, ow, ow! Aah! Where did you put the money, Larry? Go up this way. Where? ! Go this way! Where's Larry? Aah! Earl. Where are you, lauter? I'm currently stuck in Jake's sandpit, and they're headed east just past the landfill. I know that dump. Go that way. The garage is up there, where I put the money. Ok. All right, good work, Larry. Thank you. Right there. The garage is over there. I got it. I got it. Right there. I put it right over there last night, and the money's in that barrel. Yes! Good work, Larry. Good job. Let's get out of here. Wa... wait. What do we do about the Swede? We'll find something to tie him up with. We'll leave him here. Go check on him. Might be time for another conk on the head, you know? Yoo-hoo. Ha ha! Guess who's back in town. Santa claus. Yeah. You know, I don't feel too good. Somehow, you know, my head hurts. And somebody gave me a terrible... Bang on the head. Could it... was it one of you fellows that did that? That was Larry. It wasn't planned. Larry. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna take a ride in my old truck. And, uh, you guys ride in the back and I'll be in the front seat. Where are we going, Swede? Maybe we'll go all the way to hell! Come on. Come on. Real slow, now. Real slow. Oh, take your laundry there. Go on. That's the stuff. Now, I want you to hop in there, uh, hog snot. Get in there. Go on. Take your laundry with you. Well, I'm gonna give you a multiple choice, here. Either you're gonna get this... Right through your schnoz, or you can go with the trash chariot. What's it gonna be? Lead or trash? Trash? Trash chariot. Trash chariot. Trash chariot. Ok, ha ha! I'll see you in church! We're gonna get squished! Ha ha ha! Oh, shit. Hey! Ha ha ha. Hi there! Warden... Oh, yeah, we had a little rumble there. Yeah, you got a cut there. Yeah. Well, I'm ok now. Help! Help! Are there people in that truck? Oh, I wouldn't... I wouldn't... Are there people in that... did you put... Stop it. I don't know how to stop it. Turn the truck off, warden. I don't know how to do that. Turn it off! I'm not the garbage man. Then back away. Back away. Ok. Back away. Ok. Whoa! I'll have to get rid of this little popper here, that's it. You better take your shoe off. Fuck you! I'll break your fucking wrist. I think there's a door over there. You used a bad word. I'm gonna give you a little... mm! Aah! Aah! Sick old man! You sick old man! You know, this is hurting you a lot more than it is me, and that's the way it ought to be. I want you to go back home to Washington and tell all your muff-diving friends how we take care of business out here, huh? Aah! Huh? Right, heh heh. Ok. Okey-dokey. Get us out of here, Larry! Hey, you dingleberries! Stop it right there, warden! Huh? Ohh. Are we gonna have to go through all this shit again? Jeez... fuckin'... Ugh! I got to sit down. Ahh... Oh, god. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I think we should leave this way. Yeah. Go. Ok. Come on. Come on. You hurt me. I'm gonna call an ambulance. Let's leave in this truck. Ok. Polarski here. Listen, we need an ambulance right away down at Jake's garage. I'm coming home. Yes. What day is it? It's Friday the 19th, warden. I'm mad about my truck. Yup. We made it, Larry! We made it! We made it, we're free! We're free! We're free! We are free! Wow! Come in, lauter. Where the hell are those convicts? Where did butch and Sundance go? Andale, Bolivia! Ha ha ha! Let's see what we got here. While we're gonna be in here for a while, I want you to clean up everything around here, it's brown and I don't like anything brown. You understand? Yeah? What do you want? Inmate Sorenson. You are out of uniform, sir. Well, you're out of line! What do you think about that? Hah! Hey, who are you? You don't recognize me? I think I know who you are. But, uh... I don't know, there's something about you I don't like. I'm glad to hear that, sir. Yeah. I'm the new warden. This is gonna be fun! Gosh, this must be the nicest restaurant in the whole world. Order a drink, Larry. We can afford it. Where is juanita? She's got a surprise for you, Larry. For me? Yeah. Oh, look! There she is. Larry, you're about to meet juanita's sister... vita. She's pretty. Mi padre. Mi padre. Padre. Father. Father. Captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment You know Father Cavanagh, and this is Father Brian Eno. - Ted! - One second. He's gonna jump! Kevin! What's going on, for goodness' sake? - I can't go on! - Don't be silly, Kevin! It's pointless! What did I become a priest for anyway? What an utterly useless waste of time. I'd have been of more use sweeping roads. Listen to him! It's fabulous being a priest! Think of the comfort you bring to the sick! They can't get enough of it! And what about your friends? Father Alan, for instance! I've never met him before. All right. Anyone know him? (All) No, no. Oh, right. I'm your friend, Kevin! - Really? - You better believe it! Now, stop that nonsense and come on. Ok... I'm coming in. (All cheer) Aaahhh! Well caught, Ted! (American accent) Who's the silver-haired priest? - That's Father Ted Crilly. - Crilly, huh? Thank you. And who are you? What the...? Sorry, I went over there. What did you say? - Who are you? - My name's Cagney. Buzz Cagney. I think I might have a proposition for this Father Ted Crilly. - Oh, yes... - There you go. I'm sorry, Father, I... I don't know what came over me. I get a bit depressed sometimes. Don't mention it. Hate to bring this up now but... That 20 quid you owe me... Do you remember? If you have it. (Bell tolls) And Harrison Ford jumps off, and as he's falling fires up the plane. Wow! That sounds great! - I'm going again this weekend. - Brilliant! Oh, Mrs Doyle, when you go home, Father Kevin will be there. He's staying until this depression or whatever it is lifts. So... Oh, right. So, don't depress him? Yes, stay away from war and death and that whole Mirror pension fund area. All right. I'll stick to things like... puppies and cushions. Puppies and cushions. I'm in a better mood already. Father, that sermon today... Frankly, it bored the arse off me. Well, Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you. If you want that type of thing, go and see Jean-Michel Jarre. What the hell was it about anyway? - Well, it was... - Ah, Jesus! What was my sermon about, Dougal? Do you remember? Sorry, Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss. This is much more fun than killing yourself, isn't it, Kevin? - Suppose. - Come on, Kevin, cheer up. That's me and Dougal's job now. We're in the Smile Brigade. Not the fire brigade, the Smile Brigade! We're going to keep you happy and cheery until you can go to the bank. - Go to the bank? - Go home. I meant go home. - I'll have your money on Monday. - It was a slip of the tongue. I don't even remember how much it was. - It was a tenner. - Twenty! Twenty. I'm sorry, but let's nip that in the bud now. It was twenty. I'm sorry, but it was twenty. Anyway, you're gonna stay here until you cheer up. Things are gonna happen for you now, I can feel it. Oh, nice move, k ev. Actually, Kevin... you've landed on a snake there. You have to go, er, go down. What's wrong with you? There's nothing wrong. Are you all right, Kevin? Yeah, yeah... I'm all right... Your go again. Oh, good. Five. (Chuckles ) (Sobs ) Another snake. (Laughing) Your go, Dougal. Hooray! If he keeps landing on snakes, then I'm going to win for sure. You're very near a snake. As long as you don't get a one. You're all right. It's...a six. No, it isn't, Ted. It's a one! I don't think it is, Dougal. It is, Ted! It's a one! Look! He's going to snaketown! Wheeeee! Ah, come on, Kevin! Oh, wait, no. It is a six. (Doorbell) Kevin! Tell you what... We'll leave it at 15 quid! - Father? - Mm? A visitor, Father. Father Crilly, hello. Hello. My name is Father Buzz Cagney. I was at the conference. I was hoping we could have a chat. I think you might be interested in a little proposition. Then I was in Utah. Not a good Catholic market. Mormon country. Out there a guy can have five, ten wives. That's a lot of action. Action, yeah... Hard to compete with that. Then I was in Reno... Reno? Isn't that very like Wicklow? I did a Mass in Wicklow once. Very rough crowd. You have to do a good sermon or they'll hop all over you. - Where are you now? - I'm in Beverly Hills. Bruberly Huls? Oh, wow! Good God. You really landed on your feet there. Tell me, is it really as false and artificial as everyone says it is? Yes. I'd love that. - You do meet a lot of celebrities. - Yeah? Like who? - Kevin Spacey, he's nice. - Don't know him. What about Val kilmer? I believe he's a complete bastard. Did you ever think of going out there yourself? I usually go on holidays with my curate. He can't take the sun too well. Who are you? What are you talking about? This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's just on a short visit. - He's from America. - America? We were just talking about that kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun! God, how did he manage to survive that? ! Er...he didn't. He died. Oh, right. You go to bed. I'll be up in a minute. All right. Good night, lads! You'll be up in a minute? Yes, we sleep together. Anyway, who else do you know? Hello! Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow? Well... Yes, I suppose so. I think you'll enjoy it. You do like pheasant, don't you? Pheasant? God, I love pheasant! Well, that's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well! Mrs Doyle, you're not going to cut his nails now, are you? I have to, Father. He's been worrying the armrests again. Oh, all right. Buzz, just slip this on. Anyway, you were saying? Yeah, I was curious, how much money did this parish bring in last year? How much money? God, I don't know. (Smash) Another bloody window gone. I suppose we take in about £150. Maybe £200. Ow! Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, please. £200, huh? What's that? Not even $400. You know what I'd do with $400? I'd wipe my ass with $400. Good God. Can that still be used as legal tender? My parish, St John's, made $2 million last year. That's a lot of sherry and steak dinners. Mrs Doyle! Seriously, now, do it later! Oh, all right, Father. This is the St John's brochure. It's a little out of date. We've had another swimming pool built and... these ladies serving drinks would be in their 20s now. Wow. Cool. Ted, the other day, I saw how you dealt with that suicide guy. I have to say, I liked what I saw. How'd you like to work with me in LA, in a satellite parish to St John's? You mean... LA? That's un... ..believable! That's fantastic! Could you swing it? It's a good parish. If you work hard, the rewards are there. Yeah, spiritual rewards. No. Real rewards. Really? It's a land of opportunity. You want something, you can get it. I want it! Really? It's official? ! Yes! Yes, great news! Thank you, Buzz. Thank you! Yes! One step at a time. Got to get them all together. Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs Doyle... I'm going to America! Yes! Ted, could I talk to you for a minute? Sure. I, er... I just wanna thank you for talking me off the ledge. It was very good of you. I can't pretend that I'm any happier, I'm afraid. The world still seems a dark, unpleasant place... Yes! I have to get my stuff over. But that won't be a problem. Kevin! Hello! What can I do for you? Well, it's just... I feel as if I should tell someone where my thoughts have been leading me these past weeks. Down some very dark and disturbing alleys. I think I'm experiencing what you might know as the dark night of the soul. Hold on a second, Kevin. Do you mind if I put on some music? No, er... I've begun to be plagued by doubts. Doubts about... Oh, God, I mean, what if none of it's true? ( # Theme from Shaft) # Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? # Shaft! # - Sorry, Father? - This is such a good song! I just keep thinking about the awful things that happen to people. War, famine, that whole Mirror pension fund thing... It just makes me despair. # Shaft! # I love this bit - # Daga daga daga daga... # I do... I do like this song, actually. Ah, yes, it's terrific. Mrs Doyle got it in a car-boot sale. (Both) # Shaft! Shaft! Shaft! You were saying, Kevin? It doesn't matter. I'd better go home anyway. Thanks, Ted. Listen, did you want that twenty? - Yeah... Actually, keep it. - Really? All right. Thanks, Ted. No problem! Yes! Dougal, great news. I've been asked to go and work in America! Really? As what? Well, as a priest. A priest? Great. That's more or less the same as what you do here. - Yes. - God, America! Fantastic! - When are we going? - When are we...? What? I am going, aren't I? You wouldn't... You wouldn't leave me behind, would you? Mrs Doyle! Ted's been offered a job in America and we're going with him! (Gasping) We're going to...? We're geeng to Meerica? We're geeng to Meeca? Are we? Are we really? Are we really, Father? - Yes, we're going to America. - Tell Father Jack! Father Jack? (Easy listening) # I'll be seeing you # In apple blossom time # I'll be seeing you # To change your name to mine # Actually, I think I'd better just go and have a bit of a lie-down. Father, do you mind if I turn on the radio? No, I don't. Put it on. (DJ) '..with their new single, here's Radiohead.' # Wake from your sleep # The drying of # Your tears # Today # We escape Woo-hoo! You guys! What a great Mass! - What d'you think, Buzz? - Seeing you today, Ted... I haven't been this excited about religion in 30 years. You know how to work the room! You inspired me. It was one of those Masses when everything went right. I was just in the zone. They're gonna love you in the States. You put on a show. But it's a competitive market. You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys. You gotta grab your audience. You know where? - Yeah! By the balls! - I was gonna say by the shoulders. Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, it's fantastic! I feel like doing another Mass right away. Pace yourself. I wouldn't do another Mass for a week. The way I feel now, I could convert gays! Oh-ho, Ted. One week to go! Yes, Dougal. Um... Mrs Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack... I have to tell you something. I have to be absolutely honest with you. - The money was just... - Resting in the account. We know. No, it's nothing to do with that. Well...the thing is... You won't...you won't... be able to come with me. When I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space! Yes. NASA have selected me to be the first priest in space... - I thought you'd want to hear. - Great. That's all right. God, Ted! First America, then space! What's next? Who knows? As long as we can all go to America, that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that, I couldn't live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step and take my own life. Mrs Doyle, that's a terrible thing to say! But it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! Yes. Ha, ha. Well, Father, today's the day. I arranged for the electricity and phone to be cut off, and someone is going to take away the furniture and burn it! Well, come on, now, Father! We don't want to miss our plane! God, I've just seen my passport photo. I look hilarious. Here. God, I've changed a lot. Look at Father Jack. He's so excited he can barely keep still. Seriously, I have to say something. Oh, I can't wait to hear this! Every time Ted talks to us these days it's more and more good news. Now you're going to tell us you're Santa! No, I'm not. In fact, I'm the opposite to Santa. The Antisanta? I'm afraid this is going to come as a terrible blow but I can't put it off any longer. - What are those guys doing here? - They just came to say goodbye. They don't think they're coming, do they? No, I made that very clear. I told them a million times. Just say your goodbyes and get checked in. Then we'll go talk about your new parish. All my life I've dreamed about something special happening to me. I think this is the greatest moment of my life. Me too. Big bras! Dougal, Mrs Doyle, Father Jack... Why don't you wait in the café? I'll check us in. Which café? The one that isn't a tourist office. Ok, so. Flip. They're never going to serve us. - (Chuckling) So, you all set? - I am. Damn! I forgot to pack my swimming trunks. What for? Well, I don't want to go au naturel at the pool. See, I've... I've a bit of downy fluff around that bottom area. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. No, I meant what pool? You don't have a pool. No? Ok. - You'll have a basketball court. - Great. That'll keep me fit. The parish has tried to cool tensions between the gangs through sports. Stop you there a moment, Buzz. Did you say 'gangs'? What does that mean? Well, LA's gang problem is getting better now. Last year there were only 5,620 gang-related deaths. There's that word 'gangs' I asked you about. Also, I noticed that it was followed closely by the word 'deaths'. Yes. The good news is that drive-by shootings are down. There I note the word 'shootings'. Buzz? - Yes? - I quit! I didn't know I was going to America to umpire drive-by shooting tournaments. - Stop the plane! - It hasn't started yet, Ted. Don't start the plane! I'm getting off! Ted, is that you? Yes, it's me. Listen Dougal, I've been thinking about things and I think it would be better if I didn't go to America. I think we'd all be happiest where we belong, on Craggy Island. Fair enough, Ted. I didn't really want to go anyway. Oh, Father, you're back. What's going on? Ted decided it would be better if we didn't go. Really? He's probably right. Feck! Come on, we'll go home and get you a drink. - Drink! - I thought you really wanted to go. Yes, I thought I'd be a bit more disappointed, but now I realise I didn't want to go anyway. Besides, I don't think I can go. I haven't told my sister about it. Come on, Ted. Let's go. Ah, yeah, you're here to stay, with me, Mrs Doyle and Father Jack, for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... - Down with this sort of thing. - Careful now. - Night, Dougal. - Night, Ted. Wowee, that ball is... out of here! A grand slam! Yeah! Unbelievable! In your face! [ Announcer ] Yowza! Yowza! Yowza! Show me something to top that! [ Engine Whirring ] [ Man ] Did you see that? Wow. They're back. Quick, give me the camera. Oh, yeah. Your mother's never gonna believe this. Greetings, Earthling. Can you direct me to the Roswell Chili Cookoff? 'Cause I'm a little low on gas! [ Grunting ] Ha ha ha ha! - Aah! - Aah! Ha ha ha! Yaaa ha ha ha! Wide load comin' through. Run for your lives! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ohh... Ohhhh! Get away from me! Hey, batboy. Strike one. Strike two. 3, 4, 5, 6! You're out! [ Coughing ] It looks like your bat's been to spring training. Ha ha ha! Aah! Hey, ain't it time for the seventh inning stretch? Aaahhhh! Aaahhh! Aah! It's raining dogs and dogs. Bombs away. Ha ha ha! Chill, folks. You don't have to be scared. See, I'm Casper, the Friendly... - Ghost! - Ghost! - Ghost! - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Boys, we done good. I think it's time we had a long rest. Rest? You mean, like "in peace"? No! In the Catskills. Ooh, a vacation? [ Stinky ] Certainly. Show me three ghosts who deserve it more. Uh, you mean four, right? Oh, right, of course, short-sheet. Can't leave you out. Otherwise, who'd carry our luggage? - Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha, very funny. [ Answering Machine ] You've reached the home of Desmond Spellman. [ Man ] Hi, I'm calling from the International Children's Fund, and we're asking generous people like you to donate any-- Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Oracle of the Mirror, show yourself. You summoned? Ha ha ha! Don't take that tone with me. You're a slave of the mirror, and the mirror belongs to the greatest witch of all-- Moi. Yes, Master. Command me as you will. Very well. Give me the stock quotes, the, uh, weather, and the witch rankings. Here is your news. The skies are blue, the Dow Industrials are up by two, you've been the greatest for year after year, but as of today, you have something to fear. Ha ha! What? Who could be greater than Desmond Spellman? Wendy- - Ooh-- the good little witch. Good witch? There's no such animal. It is true, all the same, on this you can bank. Unless you act now, you will forfeit your rank. She's just a little child. What's so dangerous about her? Humble,yes, but in exile, she'll change, thanks to the help of an ally most strange. If witches and spirits unite as friends, she will be the greatest, and your power will end. Don't try to scare me, you cheap antique. Just, uh... tell me how to get rid of this little mall rat. There's no adios to compare with this-- behold! The dreaded Mystic Abyss. Human or witch or creature not mortal, all will be lost when they step through this portal. Ha ha ha! Perfect. Ahhh... Ah. Ahhh. [ Thunder] [ Lightning Crackles ] [ Both Yawn ] Hey, you're lookin' good,Jules. Back at ya. I want you to go to this address and bring me this brat. She's living in the country with her aunts. Ah, must be an aunt farm. Ha ha ha! I don't want any slipups. You think you can handle this? No sweat. [ Coyote Howls ] [ Alarm Clock Rings ] [ Alarm Stops ] Mornings would be better if they happened in the afternoon. Oh, yeah. He's coming. Where did I put it? [ Mumbling Excitedly ] Oh, right. Thanks. Yes. [ Gasps ] Yikes, my pajamas! Uh, Wendy's outside. Don't bother me now. Just keep watching. OK, OK. I'm the original Spice Girl. Did you put in enough belladonna? Speaking of belladonna, I once knew one. A Donna, that it. She had two kids, so I guess that makes her a "Ma, Donna." You get it? Madonna? Ooh, all right, I'll shut up. Fanny, status report. Shh! I'm looking for the paperboy. Well? Well what? Is he coming? Who? The paperboy! Good idea. Gert, I'm gonna go look for him right now. Ohh, God! What did I do to deserve sisters like this? Well, let's see. You invented mildew, morning breath... foot fungus. Ha ha ha. Hi. Hi. Ahoy, the paperboy. OK, let's get going. Thanks. Oh! Hee hee hee! [ Cackling ] Aah! Aaaaahhhh! Aah! Stop it, stop it! Help me! Aaahhhh! Aaahhhh! Hey, how do you like them rotten apples? Aah! Go away! Now, that's "Hard Copy." Weirdos. You're all weirdos. How could you do that? ! No wonder I don't have any friends. Oh, really? Well, I don't like the way he flings our paper. Then just tell him. Please, talk to the hand, because the witches ain't listening. But-- Wendy-poo, wake up and smell the potion. I mean, we're witches, for goodness' sake. We don't explain. We get even. You mean, like this? [ Wendy Laughing ] Little smarty-bloomers, eh? Makes you love me all the more, huh? We don't have to love ya. We're family. Yeah, we're stuck with ya. [ Vincent ] Not to worry, ladies. We're gonna take her off your hands. Butt out, Bozo, before I turn you into a newt. Aww, and here I thought Desmond Spellman told me that you was gonna be so cooperative. Ohhh... D-D-D-- De-Desmond Spellman? Do I look like a speech therapist to you? Then why are you stammering? Leave her alone, you big goon! Ahh! I'll take Mouthy Little Witches for 500. And you hit the Daily Double. - Aah! - Ohh! Yaaah! - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Aaahhh! Aah! Aah! Ohh, now, run, come on! Hurry up! We got ya now, kid. [ Whimpering ] Oh! Gosh, where are my manners? Let me make you feel right at home. Of all the witches in the world, we had to get one with a sense of humor. Hurry up! Uh-oh. Someone's been working out. Get your things and let's go. Let's go. Get your broom. [ Whistles ] [ Vincent ] Hey,you, come back here! Oh, yeah, let's not and say we did. I almost got her. Whew! Well, I got us out of that one, girls. You? ! Why are those guys after Wendy? Ask her. I don't even know who they are. You heard them. They were sent by Desmond Spellman. Who's he? He's trouble, and you got us into it. Yeah, Wendy, and it's all your fault. Thanks a heap. Wow, check it out. Man, this place has everything but my reservation. Ahhh, I feel my ectoplasm relaxing' already. This is gonna be some vacation. [ Casper Grunting And Panting ] They must've thought I was a pack mule in another life. Quit dawdling, Bulb Head. [ Casper Grunting ] Oh, Honeycakes, this is gonna be just so ab-fab. Only the best for the Bradshaws. Ohhh. Hey, this cabin looks nice. [ Gasps ] Yeah, and it's empty, too. Ohh. Hey, knock it off, you guys. There's already someone here. [ Stinky ] Where? I don't see anyone. Do you? - [ Coughing ] - [ Coughing ] - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Thanks for your hospitality. See ya! Ha ha ha! - Ghosts! - Ghosts! Ha ha ha! Boy, I can't believe you guys. Do you have something to share, young Casper? Pray, do tell us. I just thought m-maybe you could- - Heh-- try to be a little more... you know, friendly. Good advice, Casper. I think I speak for all of us when I say... drop dead! The only good fleshie is a scared fleshie. But why do you scare them? 'Cause they can't scare back. Except for witches. Oohhhh! What's wrong with witches? Wake up and smell the coffin. Witches are fleshies with power. Yeah. Oooh. Now go unpack the stuff, Washcloth. Jeez Louise. What a bunch of grumps. Ahhh, this is the afterlife. [ Snoring ] Witches! - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Hello, everybody, I'm Larry Tollby. I'm the social director here at Sunny Brite. How ya doin'? OK, great. Hey, did you hear the one about the roof? It's over your head. Hey, look out, Robin Hood. Archery 2:00. Were we followed? No, I think we're safe. Are you sure this is a good place to hide? Desmond will never find us in this place. Oh, ladies. Larry the Legend. No, thank you. Do you see? This place, this dump is disgustingly cheery. I mean, we're miles from nowhere. We're definitely all gonna blend in. Yeah. Aren't you ladies a little old to be Trick-or-Treating? Excuse me? If it weren't for those hats, you'd be totally pointless. Ibbity... Bibbity... Fibbity-- Stop! We're in hiding, remember? Ohh. Witches. Yo! [ Ding ] Hi, Sugar. Cabin for four. Maybe with a spare room in case I want to entertain some guests. I'm very sorry, ladies, but I just gave my last cabin to that woman. What,you mean,you don't have anymore vagrancies-- I mean, vagran-vagran- vacan-vancan-- You don't have any rooms here? Not unless that woman decides to move out. Aunt Gert, don't-- don't you dare. [ Muffled Shouting ] I've haaad a chaaange of mind. Good-bye. We're not goatish. Bellbag, uh... Bellboy, please. The bags to the top of the stairs. You know, girls, I think that old bag was right. We definitely don't blend in. Huh. Wardrobe change. ? Shake it up, shake it up? ? Nobody's gonna stop us? ? Nobody's gonna save the day? ? Shake it up, shake it up? ? You'll never stop us? ? And you'll never get the chance again? ? I know what you're thinkin'about? ? I think the same thing, too? ? And I know what you're dreamin'about? ? I dream about it, too? I be witching'! That outfit, you stick out like a sore thumb. Let's get inside. ? Tell me, baby, tell me, baby? ? Where else would you rather be? Hold up. Wait, wait. Hi, I'm Josh. If your heart matches you will go far. We'll talk more in weeks to come. Dismissed. Captain! We'll be moving out tomorrow. Issue those binoculars to a scout. And the book, sir? Burn it. Quit moving! What happened? - What happened? What'd he say? - Nothing. Did he say anything about me? No! - I'm getting out of here. - What are you talking about? "Escaping - What? ! You ever hear of Saint Rose? It's on the coast. - It's a paradise. - We can't. We could! Between the three of us we could. I can't. I like it here. I like being a part of something. Take a point! General. Some of the men shot a lion. They crawled into the thicket. One of you dogs earned a treat. Over there. Those men hunted a lion this morning. Must've been a goddamn zoo here before the war. Anyway, a third man went in after it. We don't know if he's alive or dead. I want a volunteer. One of you is going in there after him. I'll go. I guess size ain't a measure of courage. Is it? Shakespeare. BETHLEHEM: I don't think so, captain! Come out alive, you get a lion steak! Maybe you'll find your Saint Rose over there. What the hell are you waiting for, Christmas? [LAUGHING] Ow. SOLDIER: Why are you stopping? [FLIES BUZZING] I found him. He got him. Let's go. IDAHO: Hurry up! You still got a lion to bag! MAN: Wow. You men get back in line! - There he is! BETHLEHEM: Shoot him! [GUNSHOTS] BETHLEHEM: You! In the water. Come back without him and you and another man will die in his place. MEN: Go! Go! I'll get him! [GUNSHOT] Go! [GUNSHOTS] Whoo! Don't. Just let me go. I don't want to be a part of your army. My army? I like the sound of that. I got him! I'm sorry. How come... How come you wrecked it for me? It's me or you. What? It doesn't have to be. We can go together. You and me. IDAHO: Good boy! Good boy. Get him. Finish it! No. IDAHO: That's it. Get him. That's it. Get him! Get him, damn it! "No harness on my back." Ah! [GUNSHOTS] Shakespeare! IDAHO: Shakespeare! Bleeding? Well, bleeder you want your Saint Rose? I'll give you your Saint Rose. [GROWLING] [IDAHO SCREAMING] [IDAHO SCREAMING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] [GRUNTING] How you doing? You shouldn't have. POSTMAN: Here's a piece of good news. Jerry's decided to go to school to get his contractor's license. Hm? Good, Jerry. And little Jimmy wants his grandpa to know that he lost a tooth. Thanks for being there for me. "Tum-en's: Men in uniform." Whoa, whoa, whoa. [DOG BARKING] Greetings Pineview, Oregon. MAN 1: You just head back the way you came. Pineview ain't buying and we ain't listening and we don't give charity. Really? Civilian, I'm on official business. I demand entry into the town of Pineview. What the hell are you talking about? I'm through talking to you, buddy-boy. Get someone with the authority to open this gate. [BELL RINGING] MAN 1: That's him. I'm Sheriff Briscoe. Who the hell are you? I'm a representative of the United States government. Authorized by Order 417 of the Restored Congress to reestablish in Idaho and lower Oregon. What's that mean in English? I'm your postman. Hand me your gun. Beg your pardon. Understand that tampering with or obstructing the mail is a federal offense and the Bolin Act requires that you provide all mail carriers with sanctuary and nutri-- food. You got three seconds to get out of here. You know Jerry the contractor? Wait a minute. I'll get something out of my bag. Did you say one? One. "Paul Davis 124 Pineview." Never heard of him. Two. "Lily May Reno, 16 Lincoln Road." Three. "Irene March, 478 River Road." [CROWD MURMURING] Did he say my name? I'm Irene March. I have a letter for you. Would you read it'? I'm sure it's personal. - Please, someone has to. - I'll read it, Mom. We're delivering old stockpiles but I'll accept all new correspondence. "Dear Irene: Sorry I haven't written. Everything's so crazy. The strange weather, the food shortages that farmer Nathan Holn causing all that trouble. It's hard to understand. David's home from the army. The war was over before he even got there. Thank God for that. We're going to miss you for Christmas but maybe next year. All our love, Donna." My sister in Denver 15 years ago. Thank you. You're a godsend. - A savior. - No. I'm just the postman. I've been on the road awhile. I could use a little something to eat. Yes, absolutely. Is there anything else? Yes, there is. If there are dogs in this town you'll have to leash them while I'm here. LAUGHS] [CHILDREN LAUGHING] [S I N G I N G] Mr. Postman Hey, Mr. Postman Look and see If there's a letter A letter for me [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Yes? Cleaned and pressed, sir. I'll just set them over here. One of the ladies took your pants in. She thought maybe you lost some weight. Thanks. Didn't somebody say something about dinner? Yeah. I'm supposed to take you to Foster's. My name's Ford. Ford Lincoln Mercury. My name used to be John Stevens, but I changed it on account of I want to drive cars. This is where everybody meet and gather. [APPLAUSE] Hi. Can you tell us about the government? - Tell us everything. -ls there a president? Yeah. What's his name? - You know, I'm pretty hungry. - Come on. Please! His name is Richard Starkey. From Maine. He has a saying. "Stuffs getting better. Stuff's getting better every day." Is he a Democrat or a Republican? Parties are over with. It's an individual that counts. What about Europe? - Europe? - Any Word? POSTMAN: Well, there's good air in Iceland. Is Nathan Holn still alive? He died. Skin cancer. He may be dead but what about the Holnists? What'll the government do about them? The government's just getting started. So you're going to be on your own for 6, 8 or 18 months. How about the Marine Corps? ELLEN: Be quiet. Everyone be quiet. Can't we just let this man eat? MAN: Let us pray. Lord, we give you thanks for this food this day this man and his good news evidence of your promise that you will hold our country together. Amen. [MAN SINGING PLAYING GUITAR] [PEOPLE CHEERING] Would you like to dance? I don't know if I can. I think I'm still on duty. [LAUGHING] All you have to do is hold on. [BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC] It's been a long time. Something wrong? How tall are you? About six feet. ABBY: Are you smart? Smarter than some, I guess. Why? Just wondering. Have you ever had the bad mumps? Never had the bad mumps. No syphilis, nothing like that? So as far as you know you have good semen? Is that a trick question? No, it's not. I'm only asking because I want you to make me pregnant. All right that's it. Wait. Wait, please. It's got to be the uniform. This is my husband, Michael. He hasn't said no. I haven't said anything yet. We've been trying to have a baby for three years. We cannot on account of Michael. He had the bad mumps when he was 12. So we need a body father. We could ask a man here, but it may cause problems. We've seen it happen. Things go okay until the woman shows, then it can be difficult. But you'll only be around once in a while with the mail. You're the postman. What do you say, mister? You'd do us a favor. I'm going to think about it. Excuse me. My mother would like to give you something. He's right here, Mom. It's to my other daughter Annie. It doesn't say where. We don't know where she is. She left five years ago. The last we heard she was living up north. Look, Mrs. March, you should know that-- Know what? Know that-- I have a feeling about you. I know you'll do what's right. I got to get out of here. POSTMAN: Easy,boy. MAN: It's right around the corner. - What is? - What you're looking for. POSTMAN: What I'm looking for? Crazy old coot. FORD: I knew you'd come here. You did? So how do you get to be a postman, anyhow? You have to be in the right place at the right time. How can I do it? - I thought you wanted to drive cars. - Not anymore. That's kid's stuff. This is real. So where's the right place? Could be anywhere, you know. Anytime. Only another postman can make you a postman. Kind of like vampires, right'? Yeah, something like that. You have to be sworn in, so... The organization's kind of shaky right now. It might not last. What does? You'd meet people who don't believe in you. I'll set them straight. It's a lonely job. I've been lonely all my life. So have I, Ford. So have I. What the hell! You repeat after me. "Neither snow... [FORD REPEATING] ...nor rain nor 'neat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." - Okay, then. - Okay, then. No. No, I'm saying that. You just listen. I'm sorry. By my authority you're now empowered to carry the mail. Congratulations. You're a postman. I'd die to get a letter through. What did you say? - I said I'd die to get a letter through. BRISCOE: Johnny! Why don't you run along. I need to speak to this man. I'll see you around. Sure thing, Ford. Johnny is impressed with you. Whole town is impressed with you. I take it you're not. - You're smarter than you look. - What can I do for you? BRISCOE: You can either clear out or I can throw you out. Either way suits me. You don't understand. I'm a government employee authorized by-- You are not authorized by shit! You were trying to sneak out of here. You are nothing but a drifter who found a bag of mail. I want you out of town. All right. This is going in my report. These people don't need dreams, Mr. Postman. They need something real. They need help with the Holnists. Are you going to bring them that? Didn't think so. All you cost us so far is a few bowls of soup and maybe a few broken hearts. I aim to keep it that way. You can stay here till morning then I don't ever want to see you again. POSTMAN: "Benning. Portland. Boston?" What the hell these people-- [KNOCKING] Just leave it. [KNOCKING] I said, leave it. "Saint Rose?" [DOOR OPENING] Hello, Abby. You'll be leaving tomorrow? I guess. Everybody's up late writing letters for you to take. They're so excited. And how about you? Do you have a letter? No. I don't have anybody to write to. I'll find you a pen pal. Someone with similar interests. You know? Like dancing and checking for mumps. You're funny. Hardly anybody's funny around here. Have you decided yet? Oh, yeah. Been thinking about it. Sure. I mean why not? God, you're so... You're so beautiful. I'm sorry, you probably want to keep things more clinical. You don't even know my name. I don't want to. It would be easier for me if you closed your eyes. [SNORING] [ROOSTER GROWING] We took a vote, Mr. Postman. We want you to have this. So you can't say no. Okay. I'll take it. You got a bedroll, some oats and a week's rations. POSTMAN: Good. Thank you. MAN: Where will you go from here? POSTMAN: Go? Oh, yeah. West then I'll work my way back here, sort of a figure eight. Times seem hard right now. But you got to believe things are getting better. [BIRD CHIRPING] Birds are migrating again. The rains are back. Stuff's... Stuff's getting better. [SINGING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"] Shit! You've got a hell of a nerve, whoever you are. Did you see Abby around this morning? This is as far as I go. You're on your own. [CROWD SINGING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"] Hey! Are you really who you say you are? If I come back with some mail you'll know. Goddamn it! What are you looking at? Everything. They don't usually look at me. Who is responsible for that? I said "Who's responsible for that?" Holnists, Johnny. You got to stay-- - You got to stay out of sight. - I'm a postman! And I'm not running from anybody! Stay out of this, or I will lock you up myself. You. You'll be responsible. Now set that flag on fire. Throw it through the window of your post office. MAN 1: Do it, Michael. MAN 2: It's all right, Michael. Throw it. [WINDOW SHATTERING] The United States doesn't exist! [GRUNTING] That flag is an abomination! [COUGHING] There was the strangest little goat and it was behind a fence and it... Damn. [LAUGHING] No. I looked at it and it had a color to it. Good. Everything. I was amazed. It was... Good Lord! That, gentlemen is a first-rate piece of ass. Tell the sheriff to introduce me. She doesn't belong in this mudhole. Excuse me. You again! That's my wife, general. She's a married woman. Really? Do you know what system of government we have here? We have what is known as a feudal system, like in the Middle Ages. That's lords and vassals. That's you and me. Now those lords they had some ideas. They believed that if a vassal got married it was the lord's right his right to sleep with the bride on the wedding night. Me and Abby have been married 3 years. I'm sorry, but I wasn't invited to the wedding. [SOLDIER LAUGHING] You've already done me one favor, son. Don't let this be a black mark on an otherwise perfect record. Abby. [BOTH WHISPERING] We'll be civilized about this. I want you to give me your blessing. Sir, I can't. You can't? You can't. " Can't." [IN NORMAL VOICE] We had a great nation once. Know what made it great? "I Can" Till the weak came along. The "I can'ts" destroyed us! I'm going to make us strong again. I'm going to be the father of a new nation. And do you know why it will be me? Because I can. - Michael! MAN: Abby! ABBY: Stop it! Please. You're killing him! Let me go! Please, let me go! Abby. [SHOUTING] Help him, somebody! Please! Abby. [CROWD SHOUTING] On your horses. BRISCOE: You didn't have to--! BETHLEHEM: Didn't have to what? [CROWD SHOUTING] You bastard! You killed him! Your people seem seditious. You seem seditious. What am I seeing here? I'm waiting! A man came through with mail. Said he was a postman. Said that the government had been restored back east. What government? The United States government! Who said that? BETHLEHEM: Which way did he go? - Do not make me ask again. - East. Send a patrol east! Send 3 more north, south and west! They'd better find him east. Take that damn shirt off, Johnny! I managed to save these. Do you want to die too? I'm headed south with the mail. John. Don't be a fool. What should I be? [APPLAUSE] LEADER: Rachel Clark. POSTMAN: "Charlie Sykes." Charlie. "Graham Drewitt." G.D. died of flu last winter. That's all there is. That's all there is, folks. For now. But there'll be more, lots more, once there's a real system in place. Right? WOMAN: What about New York City? Did they survive the plague? Survive? They got Broadway up and running again. LAUGHS] There's a kid doing Andrew Floyd Webber, you wouldn't believe. MAN: How much is it to mail a letter? Mail... [SIREN WAILING] They won't open the gates. What? They say they got a representative of the Restored United States in there. They say this army is illegal. - And they say-- MAN: Drop dead! BOTH: And go to hell! That's what they say. What are you doing? ! Open the gates. Idiots! What're you thinking? ! The Romans had an expression they used to scare their children. "Hannibal ad portas!" Hannibal is at the gates. Do you know who Hannibal was? No? Of course not. A pretty girl like you wouldn't understand something like that. Oh, God. MAN: Let's fight them! LEADER: With what? We've got five guns, maybe 20 rounds of ammo. How we going to fight with that? You don't. Negotiate a settlement. Give them extra supplies. CROWD: Yeah. Okay. You're the government rep. Tell them. CROWD: Yeah. [CROWD MURMURING] BETHLEHEM: Right here. Sir. Make it quick. I've got an attack to coordinate. They've asked me to negotiate a peace treaty. Do I know you? I don't think so, sir. You're the postman. Aren't you? Inside! BETHLEHEM: "U.S. Mail." Restored United States of America. Do these people really believe that shit? ! Who are you, really? I'm a United States postman authorized by Order 417 of the Restored Congress. I was at the Battle of Georgetown. I watched the White House burn down. Do not try to sell me on any Restored United States! The new capital is based in Minneapolis inside the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome. You know where the Vikings used to play? You're funny. What are the terms? They'll open the gates, give double the usual just don't hurt anybody. This was all a misunderstanding. I appreciate your offer, Mr. Postman. But the fact is that you're in no position to negotiate. These people made it through the bugs and the riots and the three-year winters, but they're not going to survive you. Fire at will! Law Six: Justice can be dictated! Kill him, and kill the Restored United States with him. In accordance with Law Eight and by the authority of Emergency Order 46 you are hereby-- [GUNSHOT] Get her! Argh! [RIFFLE CLICKING] Go on, get him! We can't stop now. What are you...? Oh, God! [HORSES APPROACHING] Abby. Shh. [WHISPERING] Come on down. [HORSE WHINNYING] ABBY: Don't move. No. If you had a bullet, you'd use it. [SOLDIER GRUNTING] Come on. POSTMAN: I don't think I ever had water soup before. Maybe next time we could try it with a little sand. Dirt. Maybe a twig garnish. You used to think I was funny. They killed Michael. I'm sorry. How sorry are you? What? What's that supposed to mean? - What's with you? - You have the mark of 8 on you. - Mark doesn't mean-- - You're a liar. You were with Bethlehem. Does that make you one of them? Don't make me use this. POSTMAN: Wind's come up. It's getting colder too. Must be another storm. Anything else? I didn't mean for you to... Your legs are going to rot off if you don't try to walk. - I'm hurt. - You're lazy! Lazy? I got a hole in my stomach and I'm weak. The two big meals around here are snow and grass and we're running out of grass. What're you doing? [GUNSHOT] [THUMP] Give me a break! I'm going to check the pass. Why are you in such a hurry? I could think of worse places. Or I could think of worse company. [DOOR OPENS] [WIND HOWLING] Perfect! Oh! Help! Help! Help! Help! Please! Quick! POSTMAN: Abby! - Oh, God. God, help me! Abby! Abby.- I told you that's all there was. That's why you should have it. I knew you could walk. You're weird. Know that? We walked on the moon once, Abby. So? What good is that now? POSTMAN: Oh. Obviously you've forgotten Tang and microwave ovens and... Your face looks pretty. I mean not so bruised. Look there's something you'd better know. You're going to find out soon enough. I'm pregnant. It's Michael's baby. You're just the body father. How do you know it's mine not Bethlehem's? He tried with me almost every night. He couldn't do it so he beat me. Said it was my fault. I'm sorry, Abby. [BIRDS CHIRPING] Abby? What is it? What's wrong? Is it the baby? The pass is clear. What happened? Good, you got our stuff out. Of course. What? I don't understand. I set the fire. Did you think we'd stay here forever? No. I'd appreciate it if you'd walk with me to find someplace safe for the baby then we can split up. You shaved. Looks nice. You're really weird! You know that? POSTMAN: You ever heard of Saint Rose, Abby? ABBY: I've heard people talk. I've heard lots of names Bliss, Hesperia, and New Eden. Sheriff Briscoe says it's a fantasy. He's wrong. Saint Rose is out there and I'm going to find it. But you're the postman. I'm nobody, Abby. This is what I hate. Strangers. Do you say hi, or do you blow their heads off? Do they want to share what they got or take what you have? If they want to take, how far are you willing to go to stop them? All right, that's far enough. We don't want any trouble. Me neither, mister. - What are you? - Carrier 18 U.S. Postal Service. - Got any mail? - That's impossible. Ain't you heard of The Postman? ABBY: No. Tell us. He's only the greatest man who ever lived. He crossed the wasteland shook his fist at the enemy and spit in the eye of General Bethlehem himself. He's back east with President Starkey right now. Who told you all this? Postmaster Ford Lincoln Mercury. He's in direct contact with the Restored Congress. Direct contact? ! I don't believe this! MAN: Carrier camp! Carrier camp! Gather around, everybody! Come on, gather around. Got another letter here. It came in last night. - What's all this? - The Postman sent Ford another letter. He's going to read it. [CLEARS THROAT] "Hello, all postal carriers. CROWD: Hello. I'm here in Minneapolis with President Starkey but my thoughts are with you. Remember nothing worth doing can be done overnight. Keep your chins up and do your best not to get shot. Signed The Postman"! [CHEERING] His letters are always kind of short. Hold on! There's a P.S. Does anybody know what P.S. stands for? - Holy shit! - That would be H.S., Eddie. No, I saw him once when I lived in Pineview. It's The Postman. [CROWD MURMURING] All right. Guess you want to talk about this. I found him! I found him! "Minneapolis?" "P.S. Ford knows what to do?" What is this? What is all this? What the hell-- I lied! I told people you were in direct contact with me. - Why? - Because I didn't want it to end. Look I don't know how long I can stay. I mean President Starkey he's going to send word for me one day and then I'll have to move on. Do you understand? - Do you understand? - Yes. Good. But you'll stay until he sends word, right? Don't do that. Hands down. [BOTH WHISPERING] You're staying till President Starkey sends word, right? Yes. Until he sends word. Right. Could you say a few words just so they know it's really you? [IN NORMAL VOICE] It's me. [CROWD CHEERING] WOMAN: Coming down. We bring all the mail here first. We sort it. We group it. Then it goes out. So far, we got '50 routes. You spelled "tyranny" wrong. Boy! He's smart. MAN: From the swift completion... PEOPLE: From the swift completion... MAN: ...of their appointed rounds. PEOPLE: ...of their appointed rounds. Congratulations. You are now U.S. postal carriers. How old are you? I'm 68, sir. - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. Can you ride? No. Can't walk too good either. So why are you here? I know stuff. "Know stuff." Where did you get that? 1970. A girl with eyes as big as saucers did me in a little town called Saigon. Okay. POSTMAN: Abby. - Yeah? - Ford wants me to have his place. Said it's the best. I'm on the other side. I got plenty of room here. So much for the uniform theory. He was captured on the Oregon border. Who the hell are you? Carrier 12. United States Postal Service. I want the camp struck at dawn. We'll be moving north! You spelled "tyranny" wrong. POSTMAN: I wish they'd stop saluting. Just stay safe. Remember the mailman's more important than the mail. Boy, he's smart. When I was a kid we used to turn our hat around backwards. Thought it was cool. - Yah! POSTMAN: Jesus Christ! [ALL CHEERING] Damn! I missed him. [PANTING] [PANTING] What's the name of this town? We never named it. I officially declare Postal Station Number 10 in Elvis, Oregon open for business. From now on you got to get your mail down there, okay? This one doesn't work. [BAND PLAYING MAN SINGING] IRENE: Read it again. ELLEN: Are you sure? Yes. "Dearest Mom: What a miracle to hear from you." [SINGING] BRISCOE: Stuff is getting better. Stuff is getting better every day. I don't know who you are but I do know I was wrong about you. Got a letter for you too, sheriff. It's from my sister. Thought she was dead. You thought wrong. [MUSIC STOPS] Would you like to dance? [SINGING] Well, they say that you can never Never go back home And if you're bound to wander You're bound to be alone You say I got no right To feel what I feel When I look into your eyes Want to dance? But that I dream of you Most every night Comes as no surprise Well, I've been Out on this road for so long Far and wide Do I roam [THUNDER CRACKING] But something in your smile tells me I'm almost home I was lost in the dark All alone Till the light In your eyes showed me I was almost Home is where the heart is And my heart goes with you I would travel till the end of time If that's what I have to do Just to spend one night Till your sweet love light Come down Shining down on me Hello. Hello. POSTMAN: Who do you talk to? Not a soul in seven years of trying but I will. Want some? No, thanks. Don't let the kids see that. You go ahead, take a look. I was an aerospace engineer. I helped design the Galileo Space Station. No shit? No shit. I dream it's orbiting the Earth forever with a dozen human skeletons all grinning at each other laughing at us down here. [KNOCKING] - What is it? - It's Tony. He's overdue. That makes five. All on southern routes. No.No.No. Just children. You bring me children. - I want a man. SOLDIER: Sir? We got births and deaths. Got weather. Mostly gossip. There's nothing here. Nothing? Everything is here. Am I the only one who sees that? ! What? A military man, especially a commander should keep a journal. After he's gone, it's the only real defense against the slander that later arises. POSTMAN: Tell me about the other stuff you know. Shit! Get rid of the bodies. I don't want these people blamed for what we did. FORD: Neither snow, nor rain, nor gloom of night PEOPLE". Neither snow, nor rain, nor gloom of night FORD: Through bandit's hell, through firefight PEOPLE". Through bandit's hell, through firefight FORD: Through flood and plague we cannot fail PEOPLE: Through flood and plague we cannot fail FORD: No Holnist trash will stop the mail. PEOPLE". No Holnist trash will stop the mail. You are now U.S. Postal carriers. Congratulations. They changed the oath. Ford's idea. Figures. They don't think to ask who they're replacing or why. LUKE: Sir? It'd be an honor if I could shake your hand. Do I know you? I don't think so. Good luck, then. Nice kid. He'll probably be dead in a week. Now that is not your fault. You're exhausted. You need rest. There's food-- Hey. - Where are you going? - Route 22. You're grounded. Get off the horse. - You know the rule. - What rule? 22, it's too far south. Get off the horse. But they're waiting on-- POSTMAN: Get off the goddamn horse! I'll tie him off to this one. You can't keep doing this! - Doing what? - Riding all the routes. You're not saving anybody. Did I ever tell you how I got to be a postman? I don't know if you'd laugh or cry. MAN 1: What is it? - I don't know. - Watch out! MAN 2: We got fire! Move! -"Postage due." - Elvis patrol. You want a war? I'll give you a war! I was born for it! You murderers! You think you can ride? ! Then today's your lucky day! BOY: Bethlehem says he's headed north. He's going to kill 10 people in every town then burn it to the ground for what you did. He said that Pineview's on his way. He'd wait there for you, but not for long. I was so scared, sir. I thought they were going to kill me too. [CLAMORING] FORD: See? We're too late. I told you. What are you going to do? POSTMAN: I'm going to stop this. - You can't. - Get out of the way, Ford. All of you! They'll kill you! Goddamn it. Get out! FORD: Hold him! BOY: You still have time! Stop it! - You're hurting him! - I'm not! Yes, you are! I'm not! I'm not hurting him. This is all my doing. I went against your orders. You told me to bury the dead Holnists, but I sent them Bethlehem. Why? Bethlehem has to know we won't stop! Goddamn it, Ford! Those people are dying because of us! They're dying because of what we did. They're not! They're dying because of Bethlehem because this is a shitty world! If we're going to change it then someone might have to die. If I could make it be me down there, I would, but I can't! [PEOPLE SCREAMING] No! Please! SOLDIER: You, out here! - Hold her! Please! [SCREAMING] BETHLEHEM: He's out there somewhere. Watching. I can feel it. You feel it too, don't you? It didn't have to end like this, sheriff! He knew where I'd be if he wanted to face me like a man! Instead he's hiding like a rabbit! So much for your Postman! Lieutenant! Ready! We don't even know their names. We know their names. I think that's my dad. Aim! Ride, Postman! Ride! You hear me? ! I said, ride! Fire! My God, what have I done? What Ford did was wrong! But it doesn't change anything for any of us, does it? Is this everybody? The rest are on the overdue list. Then this is everybody. Got a letter from the president. "Greetings, all carriers." CROWD: Greetings, President Starkey! "I've been in contact with The Postman. And I've received all the reports. I'm proud of you all. In dark days, in a weary world you gave everything and asked for nothing. You beat back despair and replaced it with hope. For that, your country can never repay you. But the price is too high and I won't see any more of my bravest die. It is my duty to hereby disband the Postal Service of the Restored United States. You are to burn your uniforms and The Postman is to return to Minneapolis at once. Thank you. And God bless you all. The President." The president never wrote that letter. If he could've, that's what he would have said. Who's the other letter to? Bethlehem. - I'm taking it to him in the morning. - What's it say? - Mail's private, you know that. - What does it say? It says it's over. It says we quit. No, I'! Says you quit! What about the oath? Tell me something, Ford. How much mail can a dead postman deliver? It's over. - Then I'll take it. - No. I can't trust you. If this is the end if this is the last piece of mail that ever gets delivered I'll take it. Whoever delivers this letter, Ford, probably dies for it. I'm still a postman! You owe it to me. I owe it to me. ABBY". It's not Ford's fault. He's not like you. He doesn't have your memories. None of them do. This is all they have. - It's the only decent thing they know. - What? Being a postman? It's all bullshit, Abby. All of it. I took the uniform off a skeleton to stay warm. I made up the rest to stay fed. There is no Restored United States. I figured it was something like that. I'm going to Saint Rose. I'm taking you with me. I've already packed your horse. I know you don't want to hear it but that's my child inside you. I want to see it born somewhere safe. I thought I recognized you. General Bethlehem said you should be on your knees when I do this. I don't give a damn what that asshole said. The general is a great man! The general is a fucking lunatic. You want to see a man? That's a man. You ready? Yes. You're a better man than Bethlehem. I've seen it. POSTMAN: "To Bethlehem. This letter is my testimony to the fact that there is no Restored United States and there is no postal service." - He expects me to believe this? LUKE: It's true, sir. I was there. He disbanded the carriers... -...and rode west. - Traitor! Then I've won. Bring the one we found yesterday. They can die together. You traitor! You're a traitor! Sir. That one's the second-in-command. Why doesn't that surprise me? I was thinking, sir he might be more valuable to us as a prisoner. You were supposed to kill him weren't you? I couldn't get close enough. Who are you? My name's Clark. Postal Carrier for the Restored Republic of California. - Who are you? SOLDIER: Ready! Postmaster Ford Lincoln Mercury. SOLDIER: Aim! It's an honor. Wait! Wait a minute. Hold your fire. You two don't know each other? No. This'll never be over. It'll go on. Except I'll be fighting a goddamn ghost. - Should we fire, sir? - No, goddamn it! I won't fight a ghost. Tabula... "rasa gentlemen. A clean slate. I want all mail carriers hunted down. I want The Postman found. I want him dealt with. Colonel, organize the scouts. - You said he rode west? - Yes, sir. And this is his second-in-command? Yes, sir! [GUNSHOT] I'll keep you to bargain with. The Postman is weak that way. MAN: Set your rifle on the ground! Set it on the ground. What? This old thing? It isn't even loaded. Where are we? MAYOR: You're in Bridge City where we don't allow guns. The sentry said you were coming. I know you. You're famous. I was once sort of kind of. Not anymore. - Looking to cross? - We will be. Right now we'd appreciate some food. Okay. There are some kids behind us. - How many? - Three. Genius. Okay. POSTMAN: Come on in, guys! I know you're out there. [BELL RINGING] MAYOR: Wait. Just wait. WOMAN: What did he want? Hold on. He says he's looking for The Postman. MAN: There's no such thing anymore. The man on the horse says there is. He thinks he's here. And he's coming back with friends. BOY: What's a postman? You never heard of a postman? Are you The Postman? Yeah. I heard of you, man. You're famous. Yeah, I guess I am. And all of a sudden, I'm not wearing the right clothes. Man, you're going to love this! Open that second chute, bro! You have a gift, Postman. I saw it back in Pineview. You've given us all back what we'd forgotten. You made Mrs. March feel like she could see again. You made Ford feel like he was part of the world. You give out hope like it was candy in your pocket. Remember this? I remember. I always like to think that you left it on purpose. This is hard for me. Michael was the best man I ever knew. I never thought there'd be another man I could love the way I loved him. I couldn't see it for so long. And now you're leaving. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'll never find your Saint Rose. - It's not important. - I'm afraid you'll never see your baby. I need full power, man! This dude's got a long way to go! Whoa! This thing's working perfect, man! A lot higher than it looks, huh? [CLANGING] Whoa! Hey! [MAYOR LAUGHING] You nearly went. Get in. There's three good-sized towns up ahead with enough people to help you if you can convince them to come. Don't tell anybody I like to ride this damn thing just for the hell of it. Being a city official has its perks, you know? Trust me, man. This'll get you there a lot faster. Okay. How do I stop? Quit worrying about the little things. Good luck, and Godspeed. [MAYOR LAUGHING] GIRL: Reporting for duty, sir! POSTMAN". Know what to do? MAN 1: Talk to the people. MAN '2: Tell them it's important. MAN 3: Tell them we can make a difference. POSTMAN: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more or close the wall with our dead! In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility. But when the blast of war blows in our ears then imitate the action of the tiger. Summon up the blood. Disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect." - Who are they? - I don't know. Looks like mostly women and young people to me. How many? It's an army. At last someone with courage enough to bring the fight to me. Reckoning, gentlemen! They're an eager-looking bunch! [PEOPLE CHEERING] Morale is a dangerous thing. Bring up the prisoner! We'll show them how this game is played. Stay here. SOLDIER: Is he surrendering? God, I hope not. My little shipping clerk. Mr. copy-machine salesman. We're both a couple of frauds. So be it. But great men are made by other great men. Patton had Rommel. Grant had Lee. - But I get you. - You're no general. You're not even a good painter. Trying to goad me into a fight? It'd be great if wars were fought just by the assholes who started them. We could settle this right here you and me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. But it does in your army. I invoke Law Seven of the Laws of Eight! "Any man may challenge for leadership of the clan!" - What? - I challenge you. You're not a Holnist. You're not a member. You don't have the right. I have every right! I invoke Law Seven. Where do I--? I challenge for leadership of the clan! Where do I know you from? "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!" You remember that? Shakespeare. The one who didn't want to fight. I should have found a way to kill you then, but you seemed so strong. Law Seven it is! This war is settled here! I studied people. I know your problem. Do you know... ---Why you can't fight? Because you have nothing to fight for. You don't care about anything. You don't value anything. You don't believe in anything! And that's what makes me better. I believe in the United States. [ALL SHOUTING] No. It doesn't have to be this way. We don't have to kill each other. "Law Three: Mercy is for the weak." Ford, don't! "Law Eight: There's only one penalty and that penalty is death." [CROWD SHOUTING] He isn't worth it. I'm the head of the clan now! There are going to be new laws! Law One: No more killing. There's going to be peace! ALL: Yes. How about it, Ford Lincoln Mercury? Be a leader, Ford. Law Eight: [GUNSHOT] Live and let live. Yeah. ALL: Yeah. [GUNSHOT] [BABY CRYING] Your daddy wrote to tell you he'll be here as soon as he can and that he loves you very much. Mail's slow. I'm going to have to see about that. Your daughter. Her name is Hope. HOPE: My father saw how fragile we are and how quickly we fell into the hands of tyranny. He saw that ordinary men could reach deep within themselves and find courage. He saw that if we began to communicate as a nation we could become strong again united. But he never did see Saint Rose. He said there was too much to be done. He'd made a promise. And in keeping it, he traded one dream for another. With no regrets. And so, in honor of my father... That was me. [ENGLISH SDH] Starring/Colours Jan Buddy Vera Jenni others Please, clear the intersection! 1st column, move in! Grab the stone-throwers! What's wrong? What's wrong with you, huh? Don't you like it? I can't right now, Sylvia. I'm sorry. I just can't. You're right. That's too bad. Maybe another time, ok? Where's the toilet? Sylvia, it's sharp! Do they squeak when you... No, they're already dead. Jan? It's nothing. Forget it. Is everything alright? Watch out! They're cops! What? Shit, I'm sorry! I didn't know! Shit! Let's get out of here! This is an illegal demonstration! Please, clear the street immediately! Shit! You know them? No. Can we go have a cup of coffee when this is over? Good evening. Sorry to bother you, but my brother and I... Let's try upstairs. Hi. Are you gangsters? Yeah, Catwoman and Joker. Can we come in? How about it? For 10 marks. Ok. Here. I don't believe it. Max, what are you doing? Nothing. Get to bed! It's mattress duty time! CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. Right. Keep going. My dad's in training. MAN-EATER TWO! No, uhm... ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS. Right. Keep going. NIGHT OF THE RIDING ZOMBIES. NIGHT OF THE SCREAMING CORPSES. You always mix them up. THE FOG. Right. Keep going. Shit! What do we do now? What's going on, Max? CHILD'S PLAY. Part 2. I don't believe it! You're still not in bed! Who rang? Let's go! Hit the sack! I don't know. May we come in? What do you want? Rudy, come here! What's going on here? We're looking for two suspects. Great, but you got the wrong place! So, on your way. There's the door. What was that? Who's that? You're the one who should know! Uschi, who's that? No idea. You know him? No. Who's that? My sister. Pardon me. Get out of there, right now! What did I do? Shut up! And who's going to pay for our shower? So what's this? A butcher knife. A butcher knife, huh? For butchering pigs? Yeah, pigs, bulls, whatever comes along. Did you call us "pigs"? No, I mean pigs and bulls... For violation of $ 113/1, resisting arrest, $ 125/1 and 2, breach of the peace, with $ 223, grievous bodily harm, you are sentenced to a fine of 90 x 50 marks. The amount of 4,500 marks is payable within 2 weeks. If desired, you can pay in installments. If you fail to make your payments you will be sentenced to 90 days, one day of which has been served. All trial costs are charged to the defendant. Mr. Nebel, do you accept your sentence? 2 weeks in Egypt for as little as 999 marks. Cairo, the pyramids, Abu What-do-you-call-it... And get shot by mullahs? No, thanks, Lilo. I'll stay here. What happened to you? Hey, I asked you a question! I played KIDDIE KARAOKE. Put on some tights, so you don't catch a cold. And careful with the negligee. Yes. And don't eat all that sweet stuff. It'll ruin your teeth and your brain. But I'm hungry! Then wait till dinner. I don't like those stupid steaks! Stupid steaks! Why do you think meat is so expensive? It makes you smart and strong. That's stupid. It's not stupid! Look around at school. Today's carrot chewers are tomorrow's welfare cases. She doesn't know what you mean. She ought to learn young. Or you wanna be a cleaning lady? No, a night watchman. They're called security guards! Ok. Don't be so rude to Harry! And ask if you want something! Can I have some coke? What's the magic word? Asshole! Did she say "asshole"? Hi, Jan! Where you been? Jenni. Jenni! Turn the music down! You're back again, huh? An out-of-town game? Dad called up twice about chess. Where were you? Sylvia must have worn him out. My God! She really gave it to you. Am I right or am I right? I was in jail. And where's the meat? No meat today. You gotta bring us some to pay for Lilo's boarding house. Leave him alone. Your brother thinks he's the fucking emperor of China. What did he say? He was in jail? Something like that. "Knight moves to D3. Yours, Dad." Hello, Jan. Hello, Jenni. We wanted to play Tarzan and Jenni. Tarzan is tired today. Where were you so long? I was waiting for you. I'll tell you some other time, ok? I don't want you to move out. Come on, don't start that again. I can't stay in this closet forever. I've been here much too long. Then move into my room... I'm beat, and I have to go to work soon. But we didn't do our workout yet. You said we have to do it everyday. Ok, but only 10 today. 15. Ok, 12. We agreed on a week. It's no fitness center for poor people! I need reliable people! I've always been reliable. Yesterday all hell broke loose, and where was Mr. Universe? That has to be done by 6.30. I was in jail. I was on my way here. Go cry on your hairdresser's shoulder! He gets paid for it! Here you get paid for the pounds on the scale! One of those jerks from the job center! What do you think you're doing? "Dances with Pigs?" Now get to work! Or do you two sweethearts have other plans? Shit! Those guys again! Put your caps on! Quit smoking! Clean everything up, spick and span! And you take over the clown's work! Come on, sweetie. Go get Mommy. You can sing it to me at home. Do we get compensation for this? I don't know what the bell says. Perhaps "ding-a-ling". Ok..."ding-dong". I'm Buddy. I'm Jan. Does he always take so long? Yes. Go get Mommy, and don't hang up again. When did you get here today? Hey, are you listening? When did you get here? 11:30. You followed me around for 1/2 hour. That's 7 hours. That makes 95 marks. Sweetie, you always have to put the receiver next to the phone. I've told you that so often. Tell Mommy to hurry up. But it's really the last stanza, ok? Next week you can stay home. Why? Because I don't need you. But I thought... You thought wrong! Now, show me your bag. Does your bag need a tampon? A rooster says "kickerikee". A German rooster doesn't say "cock-a-doodle-doo". Go and get Mommy. This is really the very last stanza. And you worked... 7,5 hours. That makes 101.25. Hey, the clown can add. Listen here, smart ass. Call me a clown once more, and I'll knock your chmompers to your asshole! You got it? And you know where to stick the small change! You're no professional thief, are you? More like a bloody beginner. I owe you a favor. You have an apartment for me? I'm looking for one myself. What's in there? Filets? Be happy you lost that job. Can I buy you a coffee? It's on me. Thank you. All that blood and guts is no good. Scaffolding's the game. It's good money. You're in good shape. You should look into it. And why are you here? Hard times, you know. President of the Spree Teddy Club. Honorary president. Write down your number. On Monday I'll get a job for both of us. She just killed her husband. She wants you to help get rid of the body. Go on over there. I'll cover you. Hello, Moni. Hello. Long time no see. Got a steady job here again? No, it was just a quickie. This is for St. Nicholas' Day. Thanks. Are you alright? I'm fine. I just wanted to say hi. Is something wrong? No, I'm ok. Just a bit tired. I gotta go. Wait a sec. There's something... Don't tell me you're pregnant. That'd be great. Then what's wrong? You remember Didi? Your parttime fiance? He infected himself with Aids. I mean HIV. Oh God! When? No idea. It was a routine kidney test. Maybe he's had it for ages. Shit. And you? I don't know. I just found out yesterday. And what about me? No idea. You gotta get tested. Sorry, Jan. You dare to insult a Klingon! Now you must die! Stop it, please! I want to go home! Only your blood can set you free! What are you doing? Flow blood, flow! Redeem this scum from its pitiful life! Hey! You shouldn't go over there. Those guys are punks. I want more mayonnaise. What were you doing there anyway? Mom told me to play outside. Is she having one of her stupid shopping parties? Forget it. Do you know what day it is today? St. Nicholas' Day. And what did we have planned? I thought you'd forgotten. What am I getting for Christmas? What do you want? I can't say it out loud. Then whisper in my ear. Is that your daddy? Yes. Jenni! And is your daddy always a good boy? Yes, very good. Did he beat up some policemen? I don't know. Did he wreck somebody's bathroom? I don't believe it. Hello. Hello, Joker. Vera! Just a minute! I'll be right there! Nice to see you. Can you wait a minute? Who's that? I don't really know her. I may be only 7, but I'm not stupid. I don't even know her name. Her name is Vera! Put me down. What's wrong? Nothing. I want to get down. Your little girl's sweet. She's my sister's girl. So what happened two other night? Nothing special. A night in jail and a little fine. And all my fault? Exactly. You got 41/2 thousand? 4,500? Oh, shit! I lost my job, too. I'm really sorry. Can I invite you to dinner? Where? At the next greasy spoon? No, really exquisite with all the trimmings. Tomorrow evening? How about it? Ok, and where? Schönhauser Subway Station, at 7. Ok. Hallo. Hallo. How are you doing? Ok. And how's it going in there? Alright. Yeah, I have to go back in there. Bye. What's up? Last delivery! Are you crazy? If she stayed away all night you'd be the last to notice! Who're you talking about? Jenni! But what do you care! She isn't your brat! You scumbag! Sure, they tried to kill you. Yeah, they cut my arm with a knife. I can't see a thing. They were just pretending. I didn't ask you! And I'm not gonna take anymore of your crap... Shit! That's what happens! You'll never make it. I was the German mashed potato golf champ. Not bad. ZOMBIE FLESH EATER. ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS. But we'll accept that one, won't we? What'll they think of next? And now the final stretch... Number 8. May I hear it again? Shall we let him hear it again? Yes, we shall. THE NIGHT OF THE RIDING ZOMBIES? THE NIGHT OF THE SCREAMING CORPSES. That's too bad! THE NIGHT OF THE SCREAMING CORPSES. That's the kind of shit he knows. It's typical. I have to go. It's the PLUS-TV TALENT BOX. So, get up, couch-potaotes. Every clip we broacast gets 1,000 marks. What's wrong? What d'you mean? Don't be a jerk. Something's wrong with you. Can you lend me some money? How much? 1,000 marks. Where do I get 1,000 marks? I thought... I thought... Am I Rockefeller? Ask Dad. Oh, he called up about your chess game. I bet he has some money, considering how little he spends. What do you need it for anyway? It's not important. Dad? Dad? This is the answering machine of Lilo Nebel and her stupid friend Harry. Stop it, Jenni. It's me. Hi, Jan. I was just pretending. Because of that bad man who calls up kids when they're alone. Jenni, I have to talk to Lilo. Mommy isn't here. The man tells kids to stick a nail in the socket... Ok, I'll call up later. Or to drop a hair drier in the tub. And for the back with its smaller bones I use the poultry shears. Dad? Only the liver isn't right in this recipe. So I'll fry it for myself. Emergency ward. May I help you? I need a doctor. Is it an emergency? Not exactly. It's for my father. Please, wait a minute. Shit! Shit! Hey, wait! Where are you going? Come here, Mister. Yes, you. Come here! The concert will be nice. Sorry, I'm late. It's ok. I'm always late, too. What were you doing in there? It was cold, and he had cigarettes. What are you laughing about? You walk funny. What's so funny about how I walk? Well, it's kind of macho-like. Macho-like? Are you dressed for the opera? Not exactly. You'll see. You look pretty wiped out. Did something happen? Wait a minute. This will distract everyone from your outfit. So this will knock 'em out? It looks alright on you. Hello. Where do you know him from? I don't. But he'll himself ask how he knows me. Look, I ordered all this for you. It isn't wellthought out. There's no vision... You can't say that! Excuse me. At last! Thanks. What isn't wellthought out? Forget it. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the German Headache and Migrane Society, Prof. Sengwein. As you know, I'm not a man of many words. Thank you for making this convention a success. Enjoy yourselves. I don't belong here. I bet it's delicious. Do you know anybody here? No. Excuse me. What's your name? Jan. Jan what? Jan Nebel. Jan Nebel? Is that a pseudonym? Hey, Nebel! Is everything ok? Want to go to the hospital? Or to an emergency doctor? But you have to lie down somewhere? Can't I just stay here? It depends how long our budget lasts. Take it easy. As long as he doesn't puke. These are great. I almost got myself a kebab. Where are we headed... roughly? You live in Kreuzberg, don't you? Kreuzberg, like I said. Hello. Vera! Wait! Thanks a lot. No problem. How about lobster next time? Have fun. Bye. So this is where you live? Like some tea? Come here. Oh, hello! Vera! Hey there. Vera, wait a minute! I just wanted to make some tea. What's up? Is something wrong? Why are we here? I thought I'd bring you home. You're totally beat, aren't you? I don't live here anymore. But your parents do. My father does. And this is your old room? And where's your father? My father's, well, he is dead. I thought he lived here. Yes, he does, but not anymore, because he's dead. Since when? Since today. You're kidding. It's true. He's sitting in the kitchen. What d'you mean? He's in the kitchen. Dead. The way I found him. In the kitchen? I don't believe it. It's true! What did he die of? I don't know. Maybe from being alone. Did you call a doctor? Well, I tried, but then I remembered our date. It's not so great to leave your dead father hanging around in the kitchen, but we'd have missed each other otherwise. Do you have a cigarette? Maybe we should put him in his bed. Somehow I imagined our first date would be different. Did you like your father? I don't know. As a kid I hated him. I know what you mean. And how did you two get along? We didn't get along when I lived here. We were always arguing. Later on we played chess by phone. I came by now and again, but only because I felt sorry for him. How do you mean that? I felt sorry for him. That's all. Did you tell your sister yet? I tried, but she wasn't there. Is everything ok? Yeah, I'm ok. That fucking machine again! Lilo, it's me, Jan. Dad is dead. For a burial I recommend our package deal 2: A pure pine coffin with hand carvings. The inner lining is made of rayon as well as the decor. This comes with a flower arrangement. What does it cost? Package deal 2 costs 3,650 marks. Oh God! For an additional charge you can have a natural coffin made of flax and sealed with potato starch together with environmentally friendly clothing which is 100% biodegradable. My condolences, Mr. Nebel. Well? Well? Rested up? Coffee? What did you do the whole day, yesterday? Why didn't you call a doctor? I couldn't. Mr. Teichert, from the funeral... Institution. Right. Say, do you know where Dad... put the papers for his... damn it... what's-it-called? Funeral insurance policy. Right. Where he kept it? No, I don't. He was always so careful about putting things away. Help me, damn it! We always recommend our pre-funeral policy. Death can hit us at anytime. Right, Mr. Nebel? You don't need the policy at once. Just tell me when we should pick up your deceased father. I don't know. I'd say, as soon as possible, before it starts to... you know what I mean. It's no problem in winter. But according to the death certificate it should be today. That'd be better. Ms. Nebel, I'll make arrangements for this afternoon. Does that suit you? Sure... Actually I have to work. Can you be here, Jan? Yeah. And what if I can't find the policy? We'll take care of it, Ms. Nebel. See you this afternoon. Did you hurt yourself? Come on. It's ok. It happens sometimes. Careful! Did you see how he hit that bar? Like Ronnie Baudenbach. Remember? Ronnie the giant, who bumped into everything. You had a thing with him. With Ronnie? How did you get that idea? You had a thing with everybody. Nonsense. At least not with Ronnie. He was too stupid for me. You got a kleenex? That's it. Now it's wrecked, our wonderful family. Don't act like you give a damn. You can't stand being from such a shitty family, can you? And I'm no better, am I? I don't know. We never talk about it. Except about money. Right. Did you ever notice you don't resemble Dad at all? How d'you mean that? Like I said. You look even less like him. Thank God. That fucking insurance policy must be somewhere. I can move in here. What? I can move in. The rent's ok, and I already have a roommate. That's kind of perverse. You have to redecorate to air out the family stench. Sorry, Dad, but it's true. What should I tell Jenni? Don't act like she's lost without you! When you're gone she and Harry are pals! Know what we have to do? Hello, Mom. It's Jan... Yeah, I know I haven't called in a while. Listen to me a second... We're at Dad's place... Listen to me! Wait a second! Listen to me. Ok, you have a headache, but can't you listen to me? Great. You did it again. She never listens. She never has. And now the shit's in my lap. If that's your only problem! Just shut up and listen! Of course. Hello? Are you still there? Sure. Sorry, I thought it was my mother. Am I bothering you? Not at all. Where'd you suddenly go? Suddenly? I held your hand all night. All night? That's not so bad for our first night. Wasn't it spooky for you? No. What's your father up to? Trouble. He's still here. They're picking him up this afternoon. I have a surprise. Like yesterday? I faint, and you put me to bed. No, something else. I've to get going. When are we gonna meet? It's a surprise. I'll get in touch. Bye. You scared me. Sorry, I'm too early. Sorry, it isn't grounded properly. It happens all the time. Like real life. It's full of shocks. You got a nice place here. Yeah. But not much longer. We're being thrown out. The old owners from the West have reappeared. You know, the offspring of Nazis who stole it from the Jews. They come here with their fancy briefcases and teak portable phones, playing Monopoly. I'm here till I find a better place, but I feel sorry for the Spree Teddies. When do you have to go? The end of the month. A fine start to the New Year. Is that you? Yeah. I was just a little sprout here. Look at the style. This was the first single recorded by the legendary BUDDY AND THE PLAYBOYS. But it was the last single, too. We had over 500 copies made at our own expense and ended up giving most of them away. Is this your wife? Was. Come on, we have to find a job. You like to take baths, huh? Yeah, but I've only got a shower. I got conned into buying this stuff, but I've only sold two boxes... and that was in 1985. I might have an apartment for you. With a bathtub. You really want to live with an old fart like me? You're only as old as you feel. I don't know. You think you should move back? You can change the wall color, but you can't change the memories. Maybe that's good. Ok, let's pick up a pocket money. I thought you found a job for us. That's later. First we'll win ourselves 1,000 marks. How? Are we gonna tell jokes in there? Don't worry. I'll take care of it. They only show it if you act like an idiot. Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like an idiot? Excuse me, do you know how this works? Yeah. Have you got five marks? No, not for me. You put it in the box and then you have 1 minute to make funny things. Jokes, sing, Karaoke. Stand still. She has a different problem. Problima, yes. I search someone. Don't we all? No, I mean... I search my brother. Alexis. This is not the right TV-station! PLEASE, CALL HOME. You must go to the PLEASE, CALL HOME-Show. You understand? Yes, PLEASE, CALL HOME-Show. Thank you. You think they'll show your clip? The 1,000 marks are ours. To our new home! Cheers! Dorita, you're a sweetie. I know, Buddy. Ok, let's go get a really good job. Chalk is either green or blue. But in Belgium! Well, look here. The king of rock 'n' roll. Dorita! A round on me! Hey, Buddy. Mr. Know-it-all. Do they have red chalk for pool? No idea. They only have red chalk in Belgium. Bullshit! The only thing that's red in Belgium is ketchup on fries. How is it going? Take a look. Too cold to work. And fucking Theo is clobbering us. No quickie jobs in sight. Nope. Let's go. No, wait. Listen, we have a dry spell. We're just in between jobs. Really? Welcome to the club! Theo! You must have something, or you wouldn't be in such a good mood. Hey, I'm not gonna steal your jobs! Buddy, we're no employment agency. You know how the scaffolding trade. Loads of Poles, you're an old man! I've been waiting forever! Sorry, I couldn't get here faster. My sales show is in 5 minutes. Say, how are you? The funeral guys are upstairs with the coffin and all. Somebody was here for you, Vera or something. And? Who was that? My sister. Come on, Buddy! Slowly, slowly. Be careful. There's a step! Stop. We have to back up. Be careful! Watch out, please! Your father? Sorry, I didn't know. I thought he'd died a while ago. It's ok. You can get by. Well, it might work if we tip the coffin a bit. A bit to the left! No, this can't be true. We'll jerk it a bit. Absolutely not! It's brand new. Don't worry, we'll manage it. A bit to the left. Ready, go! I knew it would happen! Do you know how much it cost? It's only a little scratch. Some polish and it'll be fine. That was you! It's your coffin! It's my father's coffin. This is a cabinet from SHELVES'R'US. Do you know what it cost? Hey! Someone dies, and you get pissed off about a fucking piece of furniture! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You could've bought a smaller one! The coffin would've passed easy! But no, you couldn't get enough! Hello. Anyone here? Nice room. Yours if you like. Is this where your father died? No, in the kitchen while watching TV. And they say TV doesn't damage your health. My father always sat her watching TV, smoking. The ashes fell on the table. See the burn marks? A life like that's not so hot. And before you know it, it's over. Like falling off a scaffolding, cancer, a heart attack, Aids, alcohol... My address book is turning into a graveyard, and I'm only 49. I kept waiting for my life to get started, but it just went on and on. The air becomes thinner, and every day becomes so precious. Here you are. Most people just blabber on about their lives and their big plans, and suddenly, they're gone. And what's left? Burn marks. My father had no plans left. How can you be so sure? Maybe he didn't have anyone to discuss them with. Here's to us! And to the apartment! And to the hope we don't die alone! This used to be my room. Press it. Excuse me, we're conducting a survey. Who is Jan Nebel? I don't know. Maybe a singer. I mean, I listen to a lot of music, but I don't know who he is. Isn't he an astronaut? Jan Nebel? A designer or something? That's how it sounds... Jan Nebel? Who is Jan Nebel? Speak no Germany. Who? Jan Nebel. Never heard of him. See, nobody knows who Jan Nebel is, but I know. And if you want to hear this, then I'll see you tonight. Sorry, I can't think of anything. You must know some song. We won't laugh either. Ok, but I don't know if I can get it right. I need a few glasses. Ok, here goes. Where are we going? I don't know. If you like we can go that-a-way. Or that-a-way. Where are we going now? I don't know. You wanna go home? And you? Oh no. Good evening. Good evening. Room 207, please. Here you are. Is there a message for us? No. Thank you. Have a nice evening. It's vacant like I said. You taste good. Like vodka. Like sex. Sorry. There's something I have to talk to you about. You want to wait till you're married. You're married and have five kids. You're gay. You only do it with blondes. You're HIV-positive. You're HIV-positive? No. That is, I don't know. What d'you mean? I don't know. Maybe. How d'you mean that? It was just a short affair. And? Maybe she got it from her boyfriend. But she isn't sure. Did you get yourself tested? Sure. Well? I get the results next week. Don't worry so much about it. Do you have an ubberay? What? Do you have a rubber? No. I didn't know we'd end up in a hotel. Maybe it's better this way. What? We'll take it slowly, step by step. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry. Sorry. Vera? Good morning! Breakfast. Mail, newspaper, glasses. Thank you. No, you have to sign here. For the bill. What bill? Your bill. Yeah, sure. "Hello, Nebel! Lots of kisses from Vera!" Bye. We'll see you. Hello? Hello, is Moni there? Who's calling? I'm a colleague. Oh, a colleague. From the slaughterhouse. Moni isn't here... She moved out. Where can I find her? I'd like to know myself. She ran away without leaving an address. No address. Ok, thanks. What do you want if I may ask? Is it anything important? No, nothing important. How's she doing? Ask an easier question. I don't know how she's doing. No? No, I don't. Yeah... ok. Bye. Bye. Earth to earth... ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Our Father who art in heaven... A little bit higher on the right. Only on the right. On the right... That's good. Ms. Kruse. Damn thing isn't waterproof! "Good up to 100 meters underwater!" Bullshit. Pay attention to the road. What if Grandpa was still alive and breathing? There were bubbles. Don't worry, honey. Grandpa was dead. And if not, he's drowned by now. We almost drowned! Right as we get in the car, it stops! Stop griping? I take off from work, spend the whole day in your monsoon, and you bitch at me! Shut up, Harry! Lilo! You didn't get that from me! I got more from you than I like! We aren't always like this. But almost always. Watch out! Man oh man! Women and traffic! Hey! I know her! Hey, is everything alright? Yes, I'm ok. PIEASE, CALL HOME-Show? Yes! You're looking for your brother. Is everything really ok? Yes? Come on. Come in. Hi. Hello. That's Alexis' little sister. She needs a bed, she's still looking for her brother and she's broke. Aren't we all? This is the bottle that ruined us. Why? It was our last ten marks. I'm broke, too. Don't you make any money at your concerts? Forget it. Otherwise I wouldn't have to sing in the streets. By the way, Jan. I have a surprise for you. A job advertising for a supermarket. Super! Better than nothing. Shit. I have a present for us. I can't find it. I lied to you at the hotel. I didn't get tested for Aids yet. Why not? I didn't feel like it. What? I'm scared. You're kidding. We'll go there tomorrow. Are you ok, Buddy? Yes, yes, yes, I'm ok. I don't know, I'm ok. I'm ok. Wait a minute! What? Listen. Jenni, don't be so hard on me. I have to try to live alone. Why? Everyone has to someday. Not me. Yes. You, too. Because you left. I live in another street. I can visit you every day. All because of that stupid cow! You're wrong! I'm right! I don't care if you go! And this can go, too! I can't help it if you have such a shitty mother! Go away! Go away! Jenni, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Come on and help me! You see what I have to do! We'll put that sack in last! Let's put the boxes in first! You can put the soft stuff in anywhere! Come on, let me do it! Come on, let's leave. You're kidding. It's taking ages, and I'll be late for my new job. You have two hours. You're not really serious about leaving, are you? This is a nightmare! You can't keep running from important things! What d'you mean? Think of your fine. You of all people to remind me! What about Jenni? What about her? I went to see her today. What a hero you are! Why all the questions? Tell me why you always run off. You and your secrets. I don't have secrets. Oh yeah? We screw, but I don't even know where you live! I can't even call you! I don't have a phone. Hello, Ms. Kruse. Hello. Where do you know him from? How should I know? Put that thing on. And now hop! The kids love it. Vamos! Very funny! I have to go. Bye. Will I see you tonight? Maybe. No maybes. Probably. No probablies either! Hello. Are you the new kiddy entertainer? And you? I'm in hardware. He's in toiletries. Cosmetics. Hi, guys. How's the job? Ok. Not so hot in this cold weather? Familiar with this? No. Kids are nuts about them. It's good. Great! You can buy 'em. How many? One thousand. One thousand for 1,000 marks? The guy said we could sell them for ten marks a piece. I could easily pay my fine. I doubt it. I bet Kristina and I hit at least 30 Greek restaurants today. Why? Her brother's a chef. What they class "a chef" in Greece. The two of you? She couldn't go alone. She doesn't understand German. Understand everything. Were you expecting me? Yeah, why? It's starting to feel like a fucked up marriage! What? Thank you! Thank you! Wait a minute! Let me introduce tonight's jury. We have our Steglitz rock-a-baby, LADY MADONNA! And we have JERRY LEE LEHMANN, the piano legend from Friedrichshain! Jerry Lee Lehmann. And last but not least, Berlin's Teddy Bear number one, BUDDY THE ONLY HOLLY! Hi, how are you? Ok. Hello, you Rockers! Hello, you Rollers! Yeah! Welcome to the 21st Spree Teddy Dance Convention! I'm glad you could all come today, because it's our anniversary, our 25th year. But unfortunately it's probably our last, because as most of you know, we're being thrown out. I don't know what'll become of the Teddies. What can I say? Before we get all teary-eyed I'd like to say that we have an international rock'n'roll fan here with us tonight. She's come all the way from Greece to celebrate with us! Let's give a nice big Berlin-Welcome to the one and only Kristina Papagapoulus! Kristina, come on! Shit! My things are all messed up! It's no big deal. Don't act like such a princess! Well, let me... I'm sorry. You think we're right for each other? I don't know. I guess so. Either you know it right away or never! Yeah! Do you know? No. So what now? I can't fix up your life. You have to do it yourself. You don't even know me. How do you know you can trust me? I don't trust you. Why not? You do things I don't understand. Like what? What you do, how you live. You don't know how I live. Right. Then ask me! Alright. What do you do when we're not together? And how can I trust you? You don't even trust yourself. Find out for yourself. But not tonight. Morning. Coffee? Aspirini? Six. Thank you. Sorry to bother you. I'm Markus. I have Aids, and I don't have long to live. My parents have disowned me, because they're afraid of being infected. I'm unemployed and homeless. I don't want to become a criminal. I'm asking for your support, so I can spend the rest of my days in peace and quiet. Thank you for listening. Hello, Moni. How... how are you doing? Hello, would you like a balloon? Why are you so sad? I'm not sad. But you don't look very happy. Can't anybody let me be the way I want to be? Come on, Jenni! If she made it, they've got to take me, as well. The knife suits her better than you. Glazed dog shit is no chocolate pudding! How many do they show? They always show three. 1,000 marks! Here we come! Tomato salad... I don't believe it! Did you do a belly dance, Buddy? I disappeared up my own asshole! Hey there! Your Vera. Hello. Hi. A small donation. The tomato salad. Shit. You saw it. How embarrassing. Why? I thought it was good. But Buddy was disappointed. He tried, too. Really? Is everything ok? Yeah, why? You look tired. Yes, I am. Won't you tell me where you were? Today? Oh, everywhere. Yeah? Like where? Like I picked up your money. I have to pay my debts. Don't start that again. I don't understand you. And I don't understand you either. It all takes time. It's more complicated than you think. You make it complicated! It is complicated! What's wrong with you? I can leave if you want. Should I? No, but at least you could stay a while. Hey. I am staying. Here, touch me. It's all real. Just hold me tight. Hey. What's wrong? Aren't you feeling well? Hey, what's wrong? Julian, I'm going to leave you. I will be gone tonight. I wanted to tell you last night, but you were in such a bad mood... And I didn't have the guts. Is there someone else? And I thought we were different. You were pregnant? Are you nuts? Why are you spying on me? I guess I was wrong. Thanks. Buddy! What do you want? Can you fill in for me at work? Yeah, I'll do it. I don't understand you. Still nothing. Look who we have here instead. What are you doing here? Your sister dropped her here. You're a daddy for 3 weeks. She took off for Mallorca with her night watchman lover. Come on. Get this thing off me fast! At last! Look out! Trouble! The guy with the 1,000 birds? Yeah. Are you nuts? You can't just send this Bonanza Hoss! Sorry, it was an emergency. Emergency! Know how many guys want this job! Didn't I see you last night on TV? In that... 1,000 MARK SHOW. You're a real lucky devil! You're lucky! You missed it last night. 1,000 marks! Great! My name is Hoffmann. Great. I turned on the TV... Thank you. Hey, come back here! Shit! Vera! Vera! Vera! What do you want? I want you to listen. I'm listening. What's between you and that piano guy? I just some kind of fun for you? Why do you run around town at night? Why do you sponge off stupid buffets and stay with me and my dead father, but you run off when we're having a good time? Ok, tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine. Jan, I'm cold. I am, too. Closing time! Hello. Hey. No luck? We're closing early, anyway. Jan and I have a big date. Where? Hi. Hello. Stay outside! You can't just walk in! You see what's going on here! We just wanted to get a test result. HIV? Your name? Nebel. Nebel. Have a seat. I'll get it. It'll take a moment. Subtitles: VICOMEDIA 04/2001 IN EVERY GENERATION THERE IS A CHOSEN ONE. SHE ALONE WILL STAND AGAINST THE VAMPIRES, THE DEMONS. AND THE FORCES OF DARKNESS. SHE IS THE SLAYER. [ Cordelia ] I JUST LOVE SPRINGTIME, ME IN BRIGHT, SPRING FASHIONS. SPRING TRAINING. ME AT THE END-OF-SCHOOL DANCE. THE END OF SCHOOL. DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR. I AM, OF COURSE, HAVING MY DRESS SPECIALLY MADE. OFF-THE-RACK GIVES ME HIVES. LET ME GUESS. BLUE LIKE YOUR EYES. MY EYES ARE HAZEL, HELEN KELLER. YOU TWO WILL LOOK SO FINE TOGETHER IN THE MAY QUEEN PHOTO. WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN ELECTED MAY QUEEN YET. OOH! OH! OH! [ Chuckles ] BEHOLD THE WEIRDNESS. YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT I'M DOING WITH THIS STUFF, HUH? - WOW! I'M NOT. - UH, FOR HISTORY CLASS. MR. GILES HAS THIS, LIKE, HOBBY OF COLLECTING STUFF, WHICH HE LENT ME FOR SHOW-AND-TELL. DID I MENTION IT'S FOR HISTORY CLASS? SHE IS ALWAYS HANGING WITH THAT CREEPY LIBRARIAN... IN THAT CREEPY LIBRARY. HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME SHE ATTACKED ME AT THE BRONZE? I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS SCHOOL ADMITS MENTALS LIKE HER. "IF YOU PRICK US, DO WE NOT BLEED? "IF YOU TICKLE US, DO WE NOT LAUGH? "IF YOU POISON US, DO WE NOT DIE? AND IF YOU WRONG US, SHALL WE NOT REVENGE?" OKAY. SO TALK TO ME, PEOPLE. HOW DOES WHAT SHYLOCK SAYS HERE ABOUT BEING A JEW... RELATE TO OUR DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ANGER OF THE OUTCAST IN SOCIETY? CORDELIA. WELL, HOW ABOUT "COLOR ME TOTALLY SELF-INVOLVED"? CARE TO ELABORATE? YEAH. WITH SHYLOCK, IT'S WHINE, WHINE, WHINE, LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS ABOUT HIM. HE ACTS LIKE IT'S JUSTICE, HIM GETTING A POUND OF ANTONIO'S FLESH. IT'S NOT JUSTICE. IT'S YICKY. BUT HAS SHYLOCK SUFFERED? WHAT'S HIS PLACE IN VENICE SOCIETY? WELL, EVERYONE LOOKED DOWN ON HIM. THAT IS SUCH A TWINKIE DEFENSE. SHYLOCK SHOULD GET OVER HIMSELF. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEIR PROBLEMS ARE SO HUGE CRAZE ME, LIKE THIS TIME I SORT OF RAN OVER THIS GIRL ON HER BIKE. IT WAS THE MOST TRAUMATIZING TIME MY LIFE, AND SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT ABOUT HER LEG, LIKE MY PAIN MEANT NOTHING. WELL, CORDELIA'S RAISED AN INTERESTING POINT HERE... [ Bell Rings ] WHICH WE'LL PURSUE AT A LATER TIME. UM... MS. MILLER? GOOD OBSERVATIONS TODAY, CORDELIA. IT'S ALWAYS EXCITING TO KNOW SOMEONE'S ACTUALLY DONE THE READING. THANKS. UM, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY FINAL PAPER. I'M REAL UNFOCUSED. I HAVE ALL THESE THOUGHTS, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY ALL CONTRADICT EACH OTHER. WELL, I HAVE YOUR OUTLINE HERE, BUT WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY TOMORROW AFTER SCHOOL? WE'LL GO OVER IT THEN. THAT'D BE GREAT. THANKS A LOT. YOU'RE WELCOME. I'LL SEE YOU THEN. OKAY, BYE. HARMONY, THE DRESS IS READY. IT'S SO GREAT! MITCH IS GONNA DIE! HEY, MITCH, YOU GOING TO THE BRONZE? LATER. I'M PICKING OUT MY TUX FIRST. GOT TO LOOK SHARP FOR THE BIG DIG. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GOT TO LOOK GOOD TO BE ON CORDELIA'S ARM. OH, IT'S NOT HER ARM I'M LOOKING TO BE ON. [ Girl Giggles ] WHO'S THERE? [ Giggling ] OKAY, FUN TIME'S OVER. COME OUT. [ Groaning ] [ Animal Howling ] NOW, REMEMBER WHO TO VOTE FOR FOR MAY QUEEN, AS IN ME. [ Chuckles ] THANKS. HI! ISN'T THIS THE BOMB? I'M SUCH THE CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST. "C." FOR CORDELIA? NO, "C" FOR WILMA, LITTLE BRAIN. OF COURSE "C" FOR CORDELIA. THIS WAY, PEOPLE WILL ASSOCIATE ME WITH SOMETHING SWEET. HERE'S A CHOCOLATE... OH, I DON'T THINK I NEED THE LOONY FRINGE VOTE. WELL... I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHOCOLATES. OKAY, THAT WAS THE LAMEST COMEBACK OF OUR TIMES. SO WHAT'S CORDELIA UP TO? BRIBERY. SHE'S DESPERATE TO BE MAY QUEEN. SHE DOES LOVE TITLES. OH, GOD! REMEMBER IN SIXTH GRADE WITH THE FIELD TRIP? RIGHT! RIGHT! THE GUY WITH THE ANTLERS ON HIS BELT. "BE MY DEPUTY." AND REMEMBER, THE HAT? - GEE, IT'S FUN THAT WE'RE SPEAKING IN TONGUES. - [ Laughing ] I'M SORRY. IT WAS JUST, WE HAD THIS, UH... YOU HAD TO BE THERE. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. REALLY. CORDELIA JUST HAS A HISTORY OF TRYING TOO HARD. YEAH. WHAT KIND OF MORON WOULD WANT TO BE MAY QUEEN ANYWAY? - I WAS. - YOU WHAT? AT MY OLD SCHOOL. SO THE GOOD KIND OF MORON WOULD DO THAT, THE, UH, NON-MORON, I MEAN. WELL, WE DIDN'T CALL IT MAY QUEEN, BUT WE HAD THE CORONATION AND THE DANCE AND ALL THAT STUFF. - IT WAS NICE. - YOU DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE. YOU'VE GOT US. [ Giggling ] "BE MY DEPUTY." [ Laughing ] GUYS! COME ON! MITCH GOT WAILED ON. I THINK HE'S... HE'S DEAD? OF COURSE NOT. DEAD. WHAT ARE YOU, GHOULS? THERE ARE NO DEAD STUDENTS HERE... THIS WEEK. CLEAR BACK. MAKE ROOM, ALL OF YOU! - MITCH, WHAT HAPPENED? - I DON'T KNOW. I-I HEARD SOMETHING. I TRIED TO GRAB A-A BAT... [ Laughs ] THAT HIT ME. - WHAT HIT YOU? - THE BAT, BY ITSELF. THE THING WAS FLOATING, AND IT KNOCKED ME OUT. I BETTER CHECK OUT THE SCENE. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? UM, MITCH WANTED ME TO GET HIS COMB. HE-HE LIKES HIS COMB. I DON'T THINK MITCH NEEDS HIS COMB RIGHT NOW. I THINK MITCH NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION, AND YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM THE CRIME SCENE. ALWAYS STICKING YOUR NOSE IN. SUE? WHAT DID YOU SAY? MITCH WAS GONNA SUE THE SCHOOL? SUE? WHO? WELL, HIS DAD IS THE MOST POWERFUL LAWYER IN SUNNYDALE. HOLD ON. WHAT HAVE YOU TWO HEARD? HIS DAD, THE LAWYER, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIM? OTHER LAWYERS CALL HIM "THE BEAST." "LOOK"? THAT'S ALL IT SAID? LOOK AT WHAT? LOOK AT MITCH? MAYBE. ALL I KNOW IS IT'S A MESSAGE. AND? OH, HERE YOU ARE. AND MONSTERS DON'T USUALLY SEND MESSAGES. IT'S PRETTY MUCH CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY. THIS WAS DIFFERENT. I'D HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE RIGHT. I LOVE IT WHEN HE SAYS THAT. ANY THEORIES? IT'S A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY HEARD OF ANYONE ATTACKED BY A LONE BASEBALL BAT BEFORE. MAYBE IT'S A VAMPIRE BAT. I'M ALONE WITH THAT ONE, HUH? WELL, ASSUMING THE BAT ITSELF IS NOT POSSESSED, THERE ARE A FEW POSSIBILITIES THAT BEAR INVESTIGATING: SOMEONE WITH TELEKINESIS... THE POWER TO MOVE OBJECTS AT WILL... AN INVISIBLE CREATURE, AND, POSSIBLY, A POLTERGEIST. A GHOST? YES, AND A VERY ANGRY ONE. YEAH, I'D SAY. THE LOCKER ROOM WAS A REAL SCENE. IF IT'S A GHOST, THEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A DEAD KID. I GUESS SO. YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU COMPILE A LIST OF DEAD OR MISSING KIDS? IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD PLACE TO START. AND I'LL RESEARCH ALL THE POSSIBILITIES, GHOSTS INCLUDED. XANDER, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME? WHAT? SO THERE'S HOMEWORK NOW? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? IT'S ALL PART OF THE GLAMOROUS WORLD OF VAMPIRE-SLAYAGE. WHAT PART DO YOU HAVE? I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHAT I CAN ABOUT MITCH. - THIS ATTACK WASN'T RANDOM. - WELL, I WANT THAT PART. FINE. YOU CAN DO IT. ASK AROUND. TALK TO HIS FRIENDS. - TALK TO CORDELIA. - TALK TO CORDELIA? SO, RESEARCH, HUH? HI. UH, HI. CORDELIA, YOU WEREN'T IN FIFTH PERIOD. I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. OH, MITCH. HOW IS HE? WILL HE BE OKAY? WELL, THE DOCTOR SAYS HE'LL BE FINE. THEY'RE GONNA SEND HIM HOME TOMORROW, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM LYING THERE, ALL BLACK AND BLUE. HOW'S HE GONNA LOOK IN OUR PROM PICTURES? HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO SHOW THEM TO ANYONE? WELL, THEY CAN DO WONDERFUL THINGS WITH AIRBRUSHES THESE DAYS. YOU THINK? HI. HI. DID YOU SEE MITCH? HE JUST BROKE UP WITH WENDY EIGHT SECONDS AGO, AND HE'S ALREADY NOSING AROUND. IT'S SHAMELESS. IN THE SPRINGIF HE MAKES VARSITY BASEBALL, MAYBE I'LL TAKE HIM ON A TEST DRIVE. [ Laughs ] HI, GUYS! WHAT DO YOU WANT? I JUST HOPE THEY CAN PROP HIM UP LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE THE PICTURE. - CORDELIA, CAN I TALK TO YOU? - OH, GREAT. WHY IS SHE ALWAYS TRYING... [ Grunting ] [ Grunts ] HARMONY! - [ Girl Gasps ] - OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. CLEAR BACK, EVERYONE. GIVE HER SOME AIR. YOU, SCHOOL NURSE, NOW. [ Moans ] OH, MY ANKLE. I THINK IT'S BROKEN. - WHAT HAPPENED? - HEY, WHO'S THE PRINCIPAL HERE? - WHAT HAPPENED? - SHE FELL! WE WERE STANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, AND SHE JUST FELL ALL BY HERSELF. - NO! I WAS PUSHED! - [ Girl Giggling ] - OW! - DON'T SUE. [ GIGGLING ] IS ANYBODY HERE? [ THUD ] [ Footsteps ] HEY, WHO'S HERE? OKAY, I KNOW SOMEONE'S HERE. LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU. I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU. [ Footsteps ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Boy ] SAY, GUYS? [ Buffy ] GILES, HAVE YOU EVER TOUCHED A GHOST? NO, BUT FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, HAVING A GHOST PASS THROUGH YOU IS A SINGULAR EXPERIENCE. IT'S A RATHER COLD, AMORPHOUS FEELING THAT MAKES YOUR HAIR STAND ON END. YOU SEE, THAT'S MY PROBLEM. I TOUCHED THE THING, BUT IT DIDN'T GO THROUGH ME. IT BUMPED INTO ME, AND IT WASN'T COLD. - SO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT, AN INVISIBLE PERSON? - A GIRL. SHE LAUGHED. A GIRL ON CAMPUS WITH THE ABILITY TO BECOME INVISIBLE. - THAT IS SO COOL! - COOL? WELL, YEAH, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO TURN INVISIBLE. I WOULDN'T USE MY POWERS TO BEAT PEOPLE UP. I'D USE MY POWERS TO PROTECT THE GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM. IT MUST BE A FAIRLY HEADY EXPERIENCE, HAVING THAT ABILITY. HOW'D SHE GET IT? IS SHE A WITCH? 'CAUSE WE CAN FIGHT A WITCH. GREEK MYTH SPEAKS OF CLOAKS OF INVISIBILITY, BUT THEY'RE USUALLY FOR THE GODS. RESEARCH BOY COMES THROUGH WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. THIS GIRL'S SORT OF PETTY FOR A GOD. SHE'S GOT A GRUDGE, BUT WHY HARMONY? HARMONY AND MITCH: THEIR COMMON DENOMINATOR IS... - CORDELIA. - SO WHAT NOW? FIRST THING TOMORROW, WHY DON'T YOU PULL UP THAT MISSING KIDS LIST. GOT IT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN. SEE YA. BYE. OH, HEY, DO YOU WANT TO COME TO OUR PLACE TONIGHT FOR DINNER? MOM'S MAKING HER FAMOUS PHONE CALL TO THE CHINESE PLACE. XANDER, DO YOU GUYS EVEN HAVE A STOVE? SO, I'LL LOOK INTO WAYS THAT YOU CAN DE-CLOAK AN INVISIBLE SOMEONE. WHAT ABOUT YOU? I THINK CORDELIA'S GOING TO BE WORKING ON HER MAY QUEEN DRESS. MAYBE THERE'LL BE SOME ACTION. I GUESS I'M GONNA START THE HUNT. HOW EXACTLY DO YOU PROPOSE TO HUNT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T SEE? [ Giles ] YOU MAY HAVE TO WORK ON LISTENING TO PEOPLE. [ Buffy ] VERY FUNNY. I THOUGHT SO. SHOULD I WEAR MY HAIR UP? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR IT UP? [ GIRLS LAUGHING ] HOW DOES THE, UM, HEM GO? IS IT... IS IT LONG ENOUGH OR... ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? OHH! ? [ FLUTE PLAYS ] ? [ CONTINUES ] [ CREAKING ] WHO'S THERE? [ Gasps ] AHH... A VAMPIRE CASTS NO REFLECTION. DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT HERE TO EAT. BUFFY TOLD ME YOU DON'T FEED FROM HUMANS ANYMORE. - NOT FOR A LONG WHILE. - IS THAT WHY YOU'RE HERE, TO SEE HER? I CAN'T. IT'S, UH... IT'S TOO HARD FOR ME TO BE AROUND HER. A VAMPIRE IN LOVE WITH A SLAYER. IT'S RATHER POETIC... IN A MAUDLIN SORT OF WAY. WHAT CAN I, UH... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN RESEARCHING THE MASTER. YES. THE VAMPIRE KING. I'M TRYING TO LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN ABOUT HIM FOR THE DAY THAT BUFFY MUST FACE HIM. SOMETHING'S ALREADY IN MOTION, SOMETHING BIG, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT. YOU'VE READ ALL THE SLAYER LORE THERE IS, RIGHT? I'VE STUDIED ALL THE EXTANT VOLUMES, OF COURSE. BUT THE MOST SALIENT BOOKS OF SLAYER PROPHECY HAVE BEEN LOST: THE TIBERIUS MANIFESTO, THE PERGAMUM CODEX. THE CODEX? IT'S REPUTED TO HAVE CONTAINED THE MOST COMPLETE PROPHECIES ABOUT THE SLAYER'S ROLE IN THE END YEARS. UNFORTUNATELY, THE BOOK WAS LOST IN THE 15th CENTURY. NOT LOST... MISPLACED. - I CAN GET IT. - [ Gasps ] THAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. UH, MY... MY OWN VOLUMES HAVE, UH... HAVE BEEN RATHER USELESS OF LATE. - LEGENDS OF VISHNU? - [ Chuckles ] THERE'S AN INVISIBLE GIRL TERRORIZING THE SCHOOL. THAT'S NOT REALLY MY AREA OF EXPERTISE. NOR MINE, I'M AFRAID. IT'S FASCINATING, THOUGH. BY ALL ACCOUNTS, IT'S A WONDERFUL POWER TO POSSESS. OH, I DON'T KNOW. LOOKING IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY AND SEEING NOTHING THERE... IT'S AN OVERRATED PLEASURE. [ Cordelia ] GOD! I AM NEVER SITTING THROUGH ONE OF THOSE ALUMNI LECTURES AGAIN! TWO HOURS OF "MY TREK THROUGH NEPAL." HELLO. THERE IS NOBODY CARING. DID YOU GUYS SEE HIS TOUPEE? IT LOOKED LIKE A CABBAGE. AND THOSE SLIDES? "THAT'S A MOUNTAIN. "THAT'S A MOUNTAIN, TOO. NOW LOOK AT SOME MOUNTAINS." I SWEAR HE HAD 3 SLIDES AND JUST USED THEM OVER AND OVER. I KNOW, BUT DID YOU SEE HIS TOUPEE? IT WAS, LIKE, THE WORST. WE'RE TALKING, OKAY? OH! AND DID YOU GUYS CHECK OUT THAT EXTREME TOUPEE? YEAH. THAT'S REALISTIC. IT LOOKED LIKE A CABBAGE. [ All Laughing ] THAT'S SO FUNNY. [ Giggling, Laughing ] [ Mr. Snyder ] THE WINNER IS CORDELIA CHASE. LET'S BRING UP OUR NEW MAY QUEEN. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE... AND FOR SHOWING ME HOW MUCH YOU ALL LOVE ME. BEING THIS POPULAR IS NOT JUST MY RIGHT, BUT MY RESPONSIBILITY. AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY. SO GILES SAID YOU'D BE HERE. WHY ARE YOU BEING HERE? LAST NIGHT WAS A BUST, BUT I STILL THINK CORDY'S THE KEY HERE. THE MISSING GIRLS LIST. THEY'VE STAYED MISSING. I PULLED UP THEIR CLASSES, ACTIVITIES, MEDICAL RECORDS. GOOD WORK. HAS CORDELIA HIRED A BODYGUARD OR SOMETHING? HEY, YOU GUYS, CHECK OUT THIS ONE. IT'S THE MOST RECENT ONE. MARCIE ROSS DISAPPEARED, LIKE, SIX MONTHS AGO. I DON'T KNOW HER. ME, NEITHER. HER ONLY ACTIVITY WAS BAND. SHE PLAYED THE FLUTE. SO? WELL, LAST NIGHT WHEN I WAS HUNTING I HEARD THIS FLUTE, BUT I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM. AND IT WAS IN THE BAND ROOM THAT I LOST MISS INVISIBLE YESTERDAY. YOU KNOW, THIS ALL TRACKS. I'M GOING TO CHECK IT OUT. SEE YOU GUYS LATER? OKAY. WE'LL SEE YOU AFTER GEOMETRY. [ Cordelia ] ASK, "HEY, WHAT AM I WEARING TO THAT SPRING FLING?" "MARCIE ROSS." SO IT IS YOU. [ DOOR CLOSES ] CORDELIA, COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE ON TI... [ Footsteps ] [ GIRL GIGGLING ] WHO'S THERE? [ Cordelia ] MS. MILLER? OH, MY GOD! MS. MILLER! OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY? [ WHEEZES, COUGHS ] MS. MILLER... AHH! WHAT HAPPENED? [ Miller ] ATTACKED... DIDN'T SEE. [ Chalk Clattering On Blackboard ] OH, MY GOD. A NEST? LOOKED LIKE SHE'D BEEN THERE FOR MONTHS. IT'S WHERE I FOUND THIS. CHECK IT OUT. OH, MY GOD. "HAVE A NICE SUMMER." "HAVE A NICE SUMMER." THIS GIRL HAD NO FRIENDS AT ALL. UH, ONCE AGAIN, I TEETER AT THE PRECIPICE OF THE GENERATION GAP. "HAVE A NICE SUMMER" IS WHAT YOU WRITE WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. IT'S THE KISS OF DEATH. YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW MARCIE ROSS? NEVER MET HER. WHY? 'CAUSE YOU BOTH WROTE IT, TOO. "HAVE A NICE... " YEESH. WHERE AM I? OH. "HAVE GREAT SUMMER." SEE? I CARED. BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER HER? NO. I PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE HER, EXCEPT TO SIGN THE BOOK. I MEAN, THIS IS A BIG SCHOOL. XANDER, WE EACH HAD FOUR CLASSES WITH HER LAST YEAR. SO NO ONE NOTICED HER, AND NOW SHE'S INVISIBLE. WHAT? SHE TURNED INVISIBLE BECAUSE NO ONE NOTICED HER? OF COURSE. I'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING THE MYSTICAL CAUSES OF INVISIBILITY, WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE QUANTUM MECHANICAL. PHYSICS. I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE HERE WHEN I SAY, HUH? IT'S A RUDIMENTARY CONCEPT THAT REALITY IS SHAPED, EVEN-EVEN CREATED... BY OUR PERCEPTION. AND WITH THE HELLMOUTH BELOW US SENDING OUT MYSTICAL ENERGIES... PEOPLE PERCEIVED MARCIE AS INVISIBLE, AND-AND SHE BECAME SO. SO, WHO KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE? THINK ABOUT IT. CORDELIA. WELL, JUST BECAUSE THE STORY'S ABOUT HIM... DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN HE'S THE HERO, RIGHT? EXACTLY, SO WHAT DO WE CALL HIM? WILLOW. WELL, THE PROTAGONIST. - XANDER. - WHY CAN'T HE BE BOTH? I MEAN, HE DID DO SOME THINGS THAT WERE PRETTY HEROIC. ABSOLUTELY. WHO DOESN'T AGREE WITH THAT? OKAY. AND HOW ABOUT YOU? [ No Audible Dialogue ] [ Not Audible ] IT ISN'T THIS GREAT POWER THAT SHE CAN CONTROL. IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HER... THAT WE DID TO HER. NO WONDER SHE'S MIFFED. WHAT DOES SHE WANT? JUST WHAT WE THOUGHT. CORDELIA. WHAT? I KNEW YOU'D BE HERE. BUFFY... I, UH, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, WITH YOU BEING SO WEIRD AND ALL... AND HANGING OUT WITH THESE TOTAL LOSERS. OOH. WELL, ANYWAY, DESPITE ALL OF THAT, I KNOW THAT YOU SHARE THIS FEELING... THAT WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER, DEEP DOWN. NAUSEA? SOMEBODY IS AFTER ME! THEY JUST TRIED TO KILL MRS. MILLER... SHE WAS HELPING ME WITH MY HOMEWORK... AND MITCH AND HARMONY. THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME... ME, ME, ME! WOW. FOR ONCE SHE'S RIGHT. SO YOU'VE COMING TO ME FOR HELP. BECAUSE... YOU'RE ALWAYS AROUND WHEN ALL THIS WEIRD STUFF IS HAPPENING. AND I KNOW YOU'RE VERY STRONG, AND YOU'VE GOT ALL THOSE WEAPONS. I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU WERE IN A GANG. PLEASE. I DON'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO TURN TO. PLEASE... SIT DOWN. OKAY, THANKS. YOU KNOW, I... I DON'T RECALL EVER SEEING YOU HERE BEFORE. OH, NO. I HAVE A LIFE. OKAY. CORDELIA, YOUR ATTACKER IS AN INVISIBLE GIRL. WHO IS REALLY, REALLY ANGRY AT YOU, WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE PERSONALLY, BUT IT TAKES ALL KINDS, YOU KNOW? WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. JUST GET RID OF IT. WELL, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. IT'S A PERSON. IT'S... IT'S THIS PERSON. NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY SHE'D BE SO... OH, GOD, IS SHE REALLY WEARING LAURA ASHLEY? SO HOMICIDAL? I HAVE NO IDEA. I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS GIRL BEFORE IN MY LIFE. [ Marcie Ranting ] YOU DIDN'T SEE ME COMING. [ Mumbling ] CORDELIA, YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME. I REMEMBER YOU. ALL YOUR SLUT FRIENDS... I HATE THEM! THEY TAKE YOUR LIFE AND THEY SUCK IT OUT OF YOU. THAT BASTARD... [ Indistinct ] THEY GOTTA LEARN. THEY GOTTA LEARN. ACCORDING TO WHAT YOU TOLD US ABOUT THE ATTACK ON MS. MILLER, WE NOW HAVE TWO MESSAGES FROM MARCIE. LOOK AND LISTEN. MESSAGES WE DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO... YET. MARCIE'S NOT QUITE READY, BUT FROM WHAT SHE DID TO CORDELIA'S PICTURE, I WOULD SAY THAT SHE'S WIGGED ON THE WHOLE MAY QUEEN THING. MAYBE SHE'S GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. STOP THE CORONATION TONIGHT, MAYBE. KEEP YOU GUYS AWAY FROM THE BRONZE. NOTHING IS KEEPING ME FROM THE BRONZE TONIGHT. CAN WE JUST REVEL IN YOUR FABULOUS LACK OF PRIORITIES? IF I'M NOT CROWNED TONIGHT, THEN... THEN MARCIE'S WON, AND THAT WOULD BE BAD! SHE'S EVIL, OKAY? WAY EVILER THAN ME. CORDELIA HAS A POINT. BUFFY'S WITH ME ON THIS. ANYWAY, CONTINUING THE NORMAL MAY QUEEN ACTIVITIES MAY BE THE BEST WAY TO DRAW MARCIE OUT. WE CAN USE CORDELIA AS BAIT. GREAT! BAIT? WILLOW, XANDER, YOU'LL HELP ME BEGIN OUR RESEARCH ANEW. UNLESS WE FIND A WAY TO CURE MARCIE'S INVISIBILITY, THEN BUFFY WILL BE... A SITTING DUCK. - COME ON. - WELL, I HAVE TO TRY ON MY DRESS. AND AM I REALLY BAIT? SO, HOW MUCH THE CREEPY IS IT... THAT THIS MARCIE'S BEEN AT THIS FOR MONTHS? SPYING ON US. LEARNING OUR MOST GUARDED SECRETS. SO ARE YOU SAYING SHE'S INVISIBLE... BECAUSE SHE'S SO UNPOPULAR? THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP. BUMMER FOR HER. IT'S AWFUL TO FEEL THAT LONELY. SO YOU'VE READ SOMETHING ABOUT THE FEELING? HEY, YOU THINK I'M NEVER LONELY BECAUSE I'M SO CUTE AND POPULAR? I CAN BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE AND BE COMPLETELY ALONE. IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF THEM REALLY KNOW ME. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY LIKE ME HALF THE TIME. PEOPLE JUST WANT TO BE IN THE POPULAR ZONE. SOMETIMES WHEN I TALK, EVERYONE'S SO BUSY AGREEING WITH ME, THEY DON'T HEAR A WORD I SAY. WELL, IF YOU FEEL SO ALONE, THEN WHY DO YOU WORK SO HARD AT BEING POPULAR? WELL, IT BEATS BEING ALONE ALL BY YOURSELF. ? [ Flute ] SHH. LISTEN. COME ON. WE COULD TALK TO HER, PERHAPS REASON WITH HER. OR POSSIBLY GRAB HER. THERE ARE THREE OF US. LET'S GO. IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE THAT I CHANGED IN A MOP CLOSET... YOUR SECRET DIES WITH ME. LOOKS OKAY BUT HURRY. OKAY. ? [ Continues ] OVER HERE. ? [ Continues ] MARCIE. WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. PLEASE, CAN WE TALK TO YOU? WE'RE SORRY WE IGNORED YOU. CAN YOU SAY... GULP? [ Footsteps ] [ Door Slams ] [ POUNDING ON DOOR ] WHAT'S THAT SOUND? [ HISSING ] YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE SAYING BEFORE? I UNDERSTAND. SOMEHOW IT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER HOW POPULAR YOU ARE WHEN... [ Cordelia ] YOU WERE POPULAR? IN WHAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE? IN I.A. THE POINT IS, I DID SORT OF FEEL LIKE SOMETHING WAS MISSING. IS THAT WHEN YOU BECAME WEIRD AND GOT KICKED OUT? OKAY, CAN WE HAVE THE HEARTFELT TALK... WITH A LITTLE LESS TALK FROM YOU? CORDELIA? [ CRASHING ] [ Muffled Cries ] CORDELIA! CORDELIA! [ Yells ] BUFFY! IT'S GAS. SHE'S SNUFFED OUT THE PILOT LIGHT. THE GAS IS UP FULL. I CAN'T FIND THE SHUTOFF VALVE. IS THIS IT? OK, THAT'S BAD. HOW ABOUT THE DOOR? NO! ONE SPARK, AND YOU'LL TAKE THE WHOLE BUILDING WITH US. CORDELIA! CORDELIA! OH, MY GOD. [ Blow Lands ] [ Grunts ] [ Footsteps ] [ Gasps, Moans ] BUFFY. YOU'RE AWAKE? YEAH. I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MY FACE. MY FACE IS NUMB. WHAT IS SHE DOING? I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T KNOW. [ Grunts, Groans ] THAT SHOULD GIVE US A FEW MINUTES, BUT WE'VE... IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF THIS ROOM SOON... WHY IS MARCIE DOING THIS? THE LONELINESS, THE CONSTANT EXILE. SHE'S... SHE HAS GONE MAD. YOU THINK? [ Marcie ] I'M DISAPPOINTED. I REALLY HOPED YOU GUYS HAD FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN IT? COME ON, MARCIE, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN? YEAH. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TEACH US? [ Marcie ] YOU DON'T GET IT. YOU'RE NOT THE STUDENT. YOU'RE THE LESSON. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FACE? YOUR FACE. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, ISN'T IT? YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE. IT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SHINE... JUST A LITTLE BIT BRIGHTER THAN THE REST OF US. WE ALL WANT WHAT YOU HAVE, TO BE NOTICED, REMEMBERED, TO BE SEEN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [ Marcie ] I'M FULFILLING YOUR FONDEST WISH. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FACE NO ONE WILL EVER FORGET. [ GAS HISSING ] [ Coughing ] ONE, TWO, THREE! AGAIN. MARCIE, YOU CAN'T DO THIS. [ Marcie ] WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, SLAY ME? MARCIE, YOU KNOW THIS IS WRONG. [ Punch Lands ] YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED OUT OF MY WAY. YOU KNOW, I-I THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY VISION, BUT YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. NO... NO! YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL. PEOPLE WHO PASS YOU ON THE STREET... ARE GONNA REMEMBER YOU FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. CHILDREN ARE GONNA DREAM ABOUT YOU. AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO COMES TO THE CORONATION TONIGHT WILL TAKE THE SIGHT OF THE MAY QUEEN... TO THEIR GRAVES. [ Cordelia ] WAIT! NO. WE REALLY HAVE TO GET STARTED. THE LOCAL ANESTHETIC WILL WEAR OFF SOON. I DON'T WANT YOU TO FAINT. IT'S LESS FUN IF YOU'RE NOT AWAKE. YOU GUYS ARE, UH... YOU'RE BLACKING OUT ON ME. LET ME SEE. I THINK WE SHOULD START WITH YOUR SMILE. I THINK IT SHOULD BE WIDER. MARCIE, I KNOW YOU THINK I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT I DO. YEAH, I'LL BET YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL. I BE YOU CAN BE WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND JUST FEEL SO ALONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU. YOU'RE JUST A TYPICAL SELF-INVOLVED, SPOILED LITTLE BRAT, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN CHARM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS, DON'T YOU? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU THINK? [ Blade Slashes ] [ Screams ] I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU. HYAH! OH, MY GOD! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE. JUST HOLD STILL. [ Footsteps ] [ Blow Landing ] OHH! AAH! OH, MY GOD! COME ON! [ COUGHING ] WHAT HAPPENED? YOU TELL ME. I'M UP, MOM. HI. WHAT DO YOU WANT? I BROUGHT YOU THE CODEX. I CAME IN THROUGH THE BASEMENT. I SMELLED THE GAS. YES, WELL, SHUT IT OFF, OTHERWISE THE WHOLE BUILDING WILL GO UP. I'LL GET IT. IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED THE OXYGEN. COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. YOU KNOW, I REALLY FELT SORRY FOR YOU. YOU'VE SUFFERED. THERE'S ONE THING I REALLY DIDN'T FACTOR INTO ALL THIS. YOU'RE A THUNDERING LOONY. BUFFY, ARE YOU OKAY? AAH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! AAH, BUFFY! OH, MY GOD! AAH! BUFFY! OH, MY GOD. [ Sobbing ] [ Marcie ] HEY, MORON, I'M INVISIBLE. HOW YOU GONNA FIGHT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T SEE? OH, MY GOD. CORDELIA, SHUT UP. OKAY. [ Creaking ] AAH! I SEE YOU. AAH! EVERYBODY, STAY WHERE YOU ARE! F.B.I., NOBODY MOVE. OK, WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE NOW, MA'AM. TAKE WHAT FROM WHERE? I'M AGENT DOYLE. THIS IS AGENT MANETTI. WE'RE HERE FOR THE GIRL. WELL, WHERE WERE YOU 10 MINUTES AGO WHEN SHE WAS PLAYING SURGEON? I'M SORRY. WE CAME AS FAST AS WE COULD. WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE ON. YOU CAN CURE HER? WE CAN... REHABILITATE HER. IN TIME, SHE'LL LEARN TO BE A USEFUL MEMBER OF SOCIETY AGAIN. VERY USEFUL. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED, IS IT? IT'S HAPPENED AT OTHER SCHOOLS. WE'RE NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISCUSS THAT. IT WOULD BE BEST FOR YOU TO FORGET THIS WHOLE INCIDENT. DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU GUYS ARE VERY CREEPY? THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP. OH, AND, UH... HAVE A NICE DAY. CAN I GET UNTIED NOW? THANKS. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TWISTED MARCIE GOT. BY THE WAY, HOW DID YOU GUYS GET OUT OF THE BOILER ROOM? OH, WELL, WHEN THE GAS WAS COMING DOWN... JANITOR, UM, FOUND US, SHUT THE VALVE OFF. WE WERE REALLY LUCKY. I'LL SAY. HI. HEY. LOOK, UM, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING YESTERDAY, WITH THE CORONATION AND EVERYTHING, BUT, UM, I GUESS I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU. ALL OF YOU. THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE CORDELIA. YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT YESTERDAY, AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, SO THANK YOU. IT'S OK. LISTEN, WE WERE GONNA GRAB LUNCH IN A MINUTE, IF YOU WANTED TO... WHOA. YOU'RE NOT HANGING WITH THESE LOSERS, ARE YOU? ARE YOU KIDDING? I WAS JUST BEING CHARITABLE, HELPING THEM WITH THEIR FASHION PROBLEMS. YOU THINK I REALLY FELT LIKE JOINING THAT SOCIAL LEPER COLONY? PUH-LEASE! BOY, WHERE'S AN INVISIBLE GIRL WHEN YOU REALLY NEED ONE? WE THINK YOU'LL BE HAPPY HERE. YOU SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN. WELCOME, MARCIE. CLASS, THIS IS MARCIE. PLEASE SIT DOWN. OK, CLASS, LET'S GET STARTED. EVERYBODY TURN TO PAGE 54 OF YOUR TEXTS. GRR! ARG! In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons... and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer. I just love springtime, - Me in bright, spring fashions. - Spring training. - Me at the end-of-school dance. - The end of school. Definitely my favorite time of year. I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off-the-rack gives me hives. Let me guess. Blue like your eyes. My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller. You two will look so fine together... in the May queen photo. Well, I haven't been elected May queen yet. Ooh! Oh! Oh! Behold the weirdness. You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh? - Wow! I'm not. - Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff, which he lent me for show-and-tell. Did I mention it's for history class? She is always hanging with that creepy librarian... in that creepy library. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time she attacked me at the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her. "If you prick us, do we not bleed? "If you tickle us, do we not laugh? "If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew... relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society? - Cordelia. - Well, how about "color me totally self-involved"? - Care to elaborate? - Yeah. With Shylock, it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice. It's yicky. But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society? - Well, everyone looked down on him. - That is such a Twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me, like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she was trying to make it about her leg, like my pain meant nothing. - Well, Cordelia's raised an interesting point here... which we'll pursue at a later time. Um... Ms. Miller? Good observations today, Cordelia. It's always exciting to know someone's actually done the reading. Thanks. Um, I want to talk to you about my final paper. I'm real unfocused. I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other. Well, I have your outline here, but why don't you stop by tomorrow after school? - We'll go over it then. - That'd be great. Thanks a lot. - You're welcome. I'll see you then. - Okay, bye. Harmony, the dress is ready. It's so great! Mitch is gonna die! Hey, Mitch, you going to the Bronze? Later. I'm picking out my tux first. - Got to look sharp for the big dig. - Oh, that's right. You got to look good to be on Cordelia's arm. Oh, it's not her arm I'm looking to be on. Who's there? Okay, fun time's over. Come out. Now, remember who to vote for for May queen, - As in me. - Thanks. Hi! Isn't this the bomb? I'm such the campaign strategist. "C" for Cordelia? No, "C" for Wilma, little brain. Of course "C" for Cordelia. This way, people will associate me with something sweet. Here's a chocolate... Oh, I don't think I need the loony fringe vote. Well... I don't even like chocolates. Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times. So what's Cordelia up to? - Bribery. She's desperate to be May queen. - She does love titles. Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip? Right! Right! The guy with the antlers on his belt. " Be my deputy." And remember, the hat? - Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues. I'm sorry. It was just, we had this, uh... You had to be there. It's not even funny. Really. Cordelia just has a history of trying too hard. Yeah. What kind of moron would want to be May queen anyway? - I was. - You what? At my old school. So the good kind of moron would do that, the, uh, non-moron, I mean. Well, we didn't call it May queen, but we had the coronation and the dance and all that stuff. - It was nice. - You don't need that anymore. You've got us. " Be my deputy." Guys! Come on! Mitch got wailed on. I think he's... Dead? Of course not. Dead. What are you, ghouls? There are no dead students here... this week. Clear back. Make room, all of you! - Mitch, what happened? - I don't know. I-I heard something. I tried to grab a-a bat... that hit me. - What hit you? - The bat, by itself. The thing was floating, and it knocked me out. I better check out the scene. Where do you think you're going? Um, Mitch wanted me to get his comb. He-He likes his comb. I don't think Mitch needs his comb right now. I think Mitch needs medical attention, and you need to stay away from the crime scene. - Always sticking your nose in. - Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school? Sue? Who? Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale. Hold on. What have you two heard? His dad, the lawyer, you haven't heard of him? Other lawyers call him "the beast." " Look"? That's all it said? - Look at what? Look at Mitch? - Maybe. All I know is it's a message. - And? - Oh, here you are. And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, kill, destroy. - This was different. - I'd have to say you're right. I love it when he says that. Any theories? It's a bit of a puzzle, really. I've never actually heard of anyone... attacked by a lone baseball bat before. Maybe it's a vampire bat. I'm alone with that one, huh? Well, assuming the bat itself is not possessed, there are a few possibilities that bear investigating: someone with telekinesis... the power to move objects at will... an invisible creature... and, possibly, a poltergeist. A ghost? - Yes, and a very angry one. - Yeah, I'd say. The locker room was a real scene. If it's a ghost, then we're talking about a dead kid. I guess so. You know, why don't you compile a list of dead or missing kids? It's probably a good place to start. And I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me? What? So there's homework now? When did that happen? It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage. - What part do you have? - I'm gonna find out what I can about Mitch. - This attack wasn't random. - Well, I want that part. Fine. You can do it. Ask around. Talk to his friends. - Talk to Cordelia. - Talk to Cordelia? So, research, huh? - Hi. - Uh, hi. - Cordelia, you weren't in fifth period. - I went to the hospital. Oh, Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay? Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow, but you should have seen him lying there, all black and blue. How's he gonna look in our prom pictures? How am I ever going to be able to show them to anyone? Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days. You think? - Hi. - Hi. Did you see Mitch? He just broke up with Wendy eight seconds ago, - And he's already nosing around. - It's shameless. In the spring, if he makes varsity baseball, - Maybe I'll take him on a test drive. Hi, guys! What do you want? I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture. - Cordelia, can I talk to you? - Oh, great. Why is she always trying... Harmony! - Oh, for heaven's sakes. Clear back, everyone. Give her some air. You, school nurse, now. Oh, my ankle. I think it's broken. - What happened? - Hey, who's the principal here? - What happened? - She fell! We were standing at the top of the stairs, and she just fell all by herself. - No! I was pushed! - Ow! - Don't sue. Is anybody here? Hey, who's here? Okay, I know someone's here. Look, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you. Hey, guys? Giles, have you ever touched a ghost? No, but from what I've heard, having a ghost pass through you is a singular experience. It's a rather cold, amorphous feeling... - That makes your hair stand on end. - You see, that's my problem. I touched the thing, but it didn't go through me. It bumped into me, and it wasn't cold. - So we're talking about what, an invisible person? - A girl. She laughed. A girl on campus with the ability to become invisible. - That is so cool! - Cool? Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up. I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room. It must be a fairly heady experience, having that ability. How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch. Greek myth speaks of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. Research boy comes through with the knowledge. This girl's sort of petty for a god. She's got a grudge, but why Harmony? Harmony and Mitch: their common denominator is... - Cordelia. - So what now? First thing tomorrow, why don't you pull up that missing kids list. Got it. I'll see you then. - See ya. - Bye. Oh, hey, do you want to come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place. Xander, do you guys even have a stove? So, I'll look into ways that you can de-cloak an invisible someone. - What about you? - I think Cordelia's going to be working on her May queen dress. Maybe there'll be some action. I guess I'm gonna start the hunt. How exactly do you propose to hunt someone you can't see? You may have to work on listening to people. Very funny. - I thought so. Should I wear my hair up? Do you think I should wear it up? How does the, um, hem go? Is it... Is it long enough or... Isn't it beautiful? Ohh! Who's there? Ahh... A vampire casts no reflection. Don't worry. I'm not here to eat. Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore. - Not for a long while. - Is that why you're here, to see her? I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her. A vampire in love with a slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way. What can I, uh... What can I do for you? I know you've been researching the master. Yes. The vampire king. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about him... for the day that Buffy must face him. Something's already in motion, something big, but I don't know what. You've read all the slayer lore there is, right? I've studied all the extant volumes, of course. But the most salient books of slayer prophecy have been lost: the Tiberius Manifesto, the Pergamum Codex. The Codex? It's reputed to have contained the most complete prophecies... about the slayer's role in the end years. Unfortunately, the book was lost in the 15th century. Not lost. Misplaced. - I can get it. That would be most helpful. Uh, my... my own volumes have, uh... have been rather useless of late. - Legends of Vishnu? There's an invisible girl terrorizing the school. That's not really my area of expertise. Nor mine, I'm afraid. It's fascinating, though. By all accounts, it's a wonderful power to possess. Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there... it's an overrated pleasure. God! I am never sitting through one of those alumni lectures again! Two hours of "My Trek Through Nepal. " Hello. There is nobody caring. Did you guys see his toupee? It looked like a cabbage. And those slides? "That's a mountain. "That's a mountain, too. Now look at some mountains. " I swear he had three slides and just used them over and over. I know, but did you see his toupee? It was, like, the worst. We're talking, okay? Oh! And did you guys check out that extreme toupee? Yeah. That's realistic. It looked like a cabbage. - That's so funny. The winner is Cordelia Chase. Let's bring up our new May queen. Thank you for making the right choice... and for showing me how much you all love me. Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility. And I want you to know I take it very seriously. So Giles said you'd be here. - Why are you being here? - Last night was a bust, but I still think Cordy's the key here. This is the dead and missing girls list. - I pulled up their classes, activities, medical records. - Good work. Has Cordelia hired a bodyguard or something? Hey, you guys, check out this one. It's the most recent one. Marcie Ross disappeared, like, six months ago. - I don't know her. - Me, neither. Her only activity was band. She played the flute. - So? - Well, last night when I was hunting I heard this flute, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. And it was in the band room that I lost Miss Invisible yesterday. You know, this all tracks. I'm going to check it out. - See you guys later? - Okay. We'll see you after geometry. Ask, "Hey, what am I wearing to that spring fling?" " Marcie Ross." So it is you. - Cordelia, could you possibly be on ti... - Who's there? Ms. Miller? Oh, my God! Ms. Miller! Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Ms. Miller... Ahh! What happened? Attacked... Didn't see... - Oh, my God. A nest? Looked like she'd been there for months. It's where I found this. Check it out. Oh, my God. "Have a nice summer. " "Have a nice summer. " This girl had no friends at all. Uh, once again, I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. " Have a nice summer" is what you write when you have nothing to say. It's the kiss of death. You guys didn't know Marcie Ross? Never met her. Why? 'Cause you both wrote it, too. - " Have a nice..." Yeesh. - Where am I? Oh. " Have a great summer." See? I cared. But you don't remember her? No. I probably didn't see her, except to sign the book. I mean, this is a big school. Xander, we each had four classes with her last year. So no one noticed her, and now she's invisible. What? She turned invisible because no one noticed her? Of course. I've been investigating the mystical causes of invisibility, when I should have looked at the quantum mechanical. Physics. I think I speak for everyone here... when I say, huh? It's a rudimentary concept that reality is shaped, even-even created... by our perception. And with the Hellmouth below us sending out mystical energies... people perceived Marcie as invisible, and-and she became so. So, who knows the answer to this one? Think about it. - Cordelia. - Well, just because the story's about him... doesn't necessarily mean he's the hero, right? Exactly. So what do we call him? - Willow. - Well, the protagonist. - Xander. - Why can't he be both? I mean, he did do some things that were pretty heroic. Absolutely. Who doesn't agree with that? Okay. And how about you? It isn't this great power that she can control. It was something that was done to her... that we did to her. No wonder she's miffed. What does she want? Just what we thought. - Cordelia. - What? - Cordelia. - What? I knew you'd be here. Buffy... I, uh, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all... and hanging out with these total losers. Ooh. Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling... that we have for each other, deep down. Nausea? Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Mrs. Miller... she was helping me with my homework... and Mitch and Harmony. This is all about me... me, me, me! Wow. For once she's right. So you come to me for help. Because... you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons. I was kind of hoping you were in a gang. Please. I don't have anyone else to turn to. Please... - Sit down. - Okay, thanks. You know, I... I don't recall ever seeing you here before. Oh, no. I have a life. Okay. Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl... Who is really, really angry at you, which I can't imagine personally, but it takes all kinds, you know? Well, I don't care what it is. Just get rid of it. Well, it's not that simple. It's a person. It's... It's this person. Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so... Oh, God, is she really wearing Laura Ashley? So homicidal? I have no idea. I've never seen this girl before in my life. You didn't see me coming. Cordelia, you don't remember me. I remember you. All your slut friends... I hate them! They take your life and they suck it out of you. That bastard... They gotta learn. They gotta learn. According to what you told us about the attack on Ms. Miller, we now have two messages from Marcie. Look and listen. Messages we don't understand. I don't think we're supposed to... yet. Marcie's not quite ready, but from what she did to Cordelia's picture, I would say that she's wigged on the whole May queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it. Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze. Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight. Can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities? If I'm not crowned tonight, then... then Marcie's won, and that would be bad! She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me. Cordelia has a point. Buffy's with me on this. Anyway, continuing the normal May queen activities... may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait. Great! Bait? Willow, Xander, you'll help me begin our research anew. Unless we find a way to cure Marcie's invisibility, - Then Buffy will be... - A sitting duck. - Come on. - Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait? So, how much the creepy is it... that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us. Learning our most guarded secrets. So are you saying she's invisible... because she's so unpopular? That about sums it up. Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely. So you've read something about the feeling? Hey, you think I'm never lonely... because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in the popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say. Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular? Well, it beats being alone all by yourself. - Shh. Listen. Come on. We could talk to her, perhaps reason with her. Or possibly grab her. There are three of us. Let's go. If you ever tell anyone that I changed in a mop closet... Your secret dies with me. Looks okay but hurry. Okay. Over here. Marcie. We know what happened to you. Please, can we talk to you? We're sorry we ignored you. Can you say... gulp? What's that sound? You know what you were saying before? I understand. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter how popular you are when... You were popular? In what alternate universe? In L.A. The point is, I did sort of feel like something was missing. Is that when you became weird and got kicked out? Okay, can we have the heartfelt talk... with a little less talk from you? Cordelia? - Cordelia! Cordelia! Buffy! It's gas. She's snuffed out the pilot light. The gas is up full. I can't find the shutoff valve. Is this it? Okay, that's bad. How about the door? No! One spark, and you'll take the whole building with us. Cordelia! Cordelia! Oh, my God. Buffy. You're awake? Yeah. I can't feel my face. What do you mean? My face. My face is numb. What is she doing? I don't know. What does that mean? I don't know. That should give us a few minutes, but we've... If we don't get out of this room soon... Why is Marcie doing this? The loneliness, the constant exile. She's... She has gone mad. You think? I'm disappointed. I really hoped you guys had figured it out by now. Well, why don't you explain it? Come on, Marcie, what are we supposed to learn? Yeah. What do you want to teach us? You don't get it. You're not the student. You're the lesson. What did you do to my face? Your face. That's what this is all about, isn't it? Your beautiful face. It's what makes you shine... just a little bit brighter than the rest of us. We all want what you have, to be noticed, remembered, to be seen. What are you doing? I'm fulfilling your fondest wish. I'm gonna give you a face no one will ever forget. One, two, three! Again. Marcie, you can't do this. What are you gonna do, slay me? Marcie, you know this is wrong. You should have stayed out of my way. You know, I-I thought you would understand my vision, but you're just like them. Please don't do this. No... No! You should be grateful. People who pass you on the street... are gonna remember you for the rest of their lives. Children are gonna dream about you. And every one of your friends who comes to the coronation tonight... will take the sight of the May queen... to their graves. Wait! No. We really have to get started. The local anesthetic will wear off soon. I don't want you to faint. It's less fun if you're not awake. You guys are, uh... You're blacking out on me. Let me see. I think we should start with your smile. I think it should be wider. Marcie, I know you think I don't understand, but I do. Yeah, I'll bet you know how I feel. I bet you can be with all your friends... and just feel so alone 'cause they don't really know you. You're just a typical self-involved, spoiled little brat, and you think you can charm your way out of this, don't you? - Isn't that what you think? I see right through you. Hyah! Oh, my God! Get me out of here, please. Just hold still. Ohh! Aah! Oh, my God! Come on! What happened? You tell me. I'm up, Mom. Hi. What do you want? I brought you the codex. I came in through the basement. I smelled the gas. Yes, well, shut it off, otherwise the whole building will go up. I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen. Come on, let's get out of here. You know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony. Buffy, are you okay? Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aah, Buffy! Oh, my God! Aah! Buffy! Oh, my God. Hey, moron, I'm invisible. How you gonna fight someone you can't see? Oh, my God. Cordelia, shut up. Okay. - Aah! I see you. Aah! Everybody, stay where you are! F.B.I. Nobody move. Okay, we'll take it from here now, ma'am. Take what from where? I'm Agent Doyle. This is Agent Manetti. We're here for the girl. Well, where were you 10 minutes ago... when she was playing surgeon? I'm sorry. We came as fast as we could. We'll take it from here on. You can cure her? We can... rehabilitate her. In time, she'll learn to be a useful member of society again. Very useful. This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? It's happened at other schools. We're not at liberty to discuss that. It would be best for you to forget this whole incident. Do you know that you guys are very creepy? Thank you for your help. Oh, and, uh... have a nice day. Can I get untied now? Thanks. I just can't believe how twisted Marcie got. By the way, how did you guys get out of the boiler room? Oh, well, when the gas was coming down... janitor, um, found us, shut the valve off. We were really lucky. I'll say. Hi. Hey. Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday, with the coronation and everything. But, um, I guess I just want to say thank you. All of you. That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia. You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to, so thank you. It's okay. Listen, we were gonna grab lunch in a minute, if you wanted to... Whoa. You're not hanging with these losers, are you? Are you kidding? I was just being charitable, helping them with their fashion problems. You think I really felt like joining that social leper colony? Puh-lease! Boy, where's an invisible girl... when you really need one? We think you'll be happy here. You should fit right in. Welcome, Marcie. Class, this is Marcie. Please sit down. Okay, class, let's get started. Everybody turn to page 54 of your texts. Grr! Arg! The show must go on The show must go on To answer all the clamor For oomph and glamour and so on To captivate Tom, Dick and Harry Each Matilda, Kay and Carrie Cleopatra and DuBarry Puts her show on Way back in history Old Adam didn't give a care There was no mystery A rag, a bone, a hank of hair But since humanity Discovered vanity We only know the show must go on We only know the show must go on This clever lyrical endeavor Could probably go on forever But all we're saying is what you know That glamour is a woman's show The show most people like to view Is evident in burlesque That show must go on The show must go on The show must go on To answer all the clamor For oomph and glamour and so on But since humanity Discovered vanity We only know the show must go on But the show we show Is different because We don't depend on this Nor this for applause That sort of thing We scornfully dismiss For This We only know the show must go on! Hey, Genius! Coming. Oh, those poor people. The entertainment can start. The Genius is here. Don't let the customers hear. The house can be emptied in three minutes. Listen, kids. That number's still ragged. On your entrance, keep your heads down. Our mothers told us not to do it. You can't teach old daughters new tricks. We'll see if I can at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Rehearsals are at 1 0. Go on, you got five minutes to make your change. Those little dames can sure gripe. The bigger the gripe, the better the army, Jim. -And there is a great army. -You're not kidding. Well, I just won't show up. I have an appointment at 9:00, and I'll keep it. It's my chance to get out of here and into the big time. -What big time? -The big time has nothing to do with 9:00. -You got a line on a job, Maurine? -You bet I have. It has nothing to do with 9:00 either, or 1 0:00. You can sleep all day. -l've never heard of a job like that. -No? Here, look for yourself. Not that I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world but I think I can at least try. " Vanity's Golden Wedding Girl. Fame and fortune await the girl on the cover of Vanity's 50th anniversary number. Who will she be? She could be you." How could getting your face on a magazine get you into the big time? A cover girl's face can unlock any door. -l've got a face. I'll use it. -l don't understand. If you can do better, why should Mr. McGuire object? The McGuire slogan is to get there on your feet, not your face. Can you imagine me asking him? My name is Rusty Parker. Parker. Could I see Mr. Coudair about the Vanity cover? Miss Jackson, Mr. Coudair's assistant, does interviews. She'll try to see you. Thank you. What on earth are you doing here? Oh, same thing you are, I guess. You shouldn't be such a good salesman. Does Danny know you came? Well, I didn't tell him, if that's what you mean. He's gonna be sore at me. But you egads, he'll cut you up in little pieces. Well, he doesn't have to know. Does he, Maurine? No, of course not. Save it, kitties. Don't waste it on me. That redhead isn't bad. No, she isn't. All right, Marion, let the bars down. Carry on, Colby. Maurine Martin, please. Egads, wish me luck. That girl has a really lovely figure if she knew how to walk. Ever done any modeling? No, but all you have to do is keep still, isn't it? That always helps. Does it matter I've never modeled? No, in this case, we prefer it. Now sit down and stand up again several times. I mean stand. You're a very pretty girl, little on the brash side, however. Our girl has to be quiet and demure. After all, the cover is a bride. Who's the girl with you, the one with the red hair? Oh, she works in the same joint-- l mean, the same nightclub in Brooklyn I do. Danny McGuire's. Why? She's pretty. Now smile directly at me. And she looks relaxed. If only you gals could realize how important it is to be quiet and relaxed. Nice teeth. Keep your nightlife down and your hopes up. You may hear from us. Thank you. Goodbye. B.J. Graham. Are my seams straight? They're all right, darling. Don't make the mistakes I made. Keep talking and move around a lot. Be animated. That's what they're after. Even if you overdo it, be animated. Don't relax for a minute. Don't let her know you're new. Say anything, but impress it on her you've modeled before. -But I haven't. -Rusty Parker. Don't forget. Be animated. Hello! How do you do? My name is Rusty Parker. And you're Miss Jackson. I've heard so much about you. I suppose you've noticed I'm so full of animation it's impossible for me to sit still. My grandmother said it's because my glands worked right. I suppose you'd like to know about my experience. I've done so much, all kinds of things. I've been on more bottles-- Cold cures are my specialty. You know, sneezes and animated stuff, things like that. I have some photographs here-- l'd rather you wouldn't take them out. I don't feel up to capturing them if they get loose. I think there's something you can take. I'd find out about it. Take? For what? Those glands. They're going to turn on you one of these days. But why can't I be the Golden Wedding Girl, Mr. Coudair? Your face is familiar to everyone who picks up a magazine. -l want a new face. -l don't blame you. So do I. What is a new face anyway? I hear about them, but I've never seen one. All right, Mr. Coudair. But I don't know how a bride can be new and experienced at the same time. -May I come in? -lt won't do you any good. Your face isn't new enough. Fine thing! I saw the Golden Wedding Dress. It's a dream. Don't you love it? For now, there's nothing about this contest I love. lt's beautiful. If you got me a dress like that, I'd marry anybody. Then I'll be very careful not to, Jinx. We need you in our business. Stonewall, there's the layout. The dress is ready. There's the deadline. Where's the face? I have brought you 1 0,000 batches of photographs by slow count. Colby and I have been looking too. You're very hard to please. -You don't know what you want. -l know exactly what I want. -l want a girl with a story in her eyes. -Drawing room or smoking room? What does a young girl think about when she's going down the aisle? That's the look I want that young, wondering, misty look. Well, now we have a clue, Jinx. She must be misty. I can find you a lot of foggy ones. Thanks for helping us, Jinx. Somebody helped me to get started, didn't they? Bye. John, I'm desperate. There isn't a thing that Harry Conover hasn't made well-known except this one. She's at least new. We've got to choose somebody. Very pretty girl. Let me go take a look at her. This mania you have for peering at these creatures in their native haunts-- l should know after all these years I can't change you. is this one worth going to Brooklyn to see? Where on earth is that? I think you take a bridge to get there. -Evening, Pop. -Oh, hello, girls. Hello, Danny. If you'd had a horse under you in North Africa instead of one of them tanks you wouldn't have got shot up the way you was and sent home. Where'd it get you, Danny? In Libya. Well, it don't show a bit. -Evening, Pop. -Cold out, ain't it, Rusty? Sure is. Hi, chicken. Hello, Danny. Missed you for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Don't you eat anymore? -l wasn't hungry tonight. -Weren't you hungry this morning? Who stole my nylons? Egads, a very-- -Not very. -Too much rehearsal last night, huh? -lt was kind of a workout. -That why you slept late? Oh, I didn't sleep late. I went uptown. Shopping? No, I went to see a man about a face. I thought you went to buy me a wedding present. Why? You getting married? Didn't you hear? Why, no, Mr. McGuire. And who is the lucky girl? She's kind of a funny kid. She's sore because she's got diamonds in her feet. Can you imagine that? Rusty, not many people have diamonds in their feet. They threw me out, Danny. They didn't want me up there. They didn't like my face. You've got a beautiful face. ls it your worry they don't know their business? Well, I get so tired, Danny. This way, it takes so long before you get anywhere. If you can get there quicker, why shouldn't you? When you get there quick, you're out quick. Easy get, easy lose. I've never seen it fail. You gotta work for what you get. You're gonna be a star, but you gotta get there on your feet, not your face. Old shortcut Susie. Old hard way McGuire. We're a fine pair. We're a wonderful pair. Aren't we though? Dally, daily, daily. Nothing around here all day but dilly-dally. I better get dressed. I said it 1 00 times. You don't get there on the steps. You get there on your-- But it depends on what you're after. Day and night, night and day, all I do is work and slave to keep this place with its head underwater. My number comes up, it goes to pieces. People sitting on the steps, chef quitting, noisy kitchen, girls always gabbing. -l'm not complaining. -You're on. Coming! My butcher shop My grocery Can keep on saying no, siree But lack of this Or that Doesn't knock me flat Foreign times like these Life's no life of these Although I'm no saint I have no complaint We must do that task And it's little enough They ask: "Who's Complaining?" I'm not complaining You'll see We'll see this thing through Because of Axis' trickery My coffee now is chicory And I can rarely purloin A sirloin No complaining Through the campaigning Who cares if carrots are few I'll feed myself on artichokes Until that Nazi Party chokes So long as they don't ration My passion For you You know if things go on At the rate they're going And goods flow out At the rate they're flowing The time isn't very far away When this will be my typical day At breakfast time just after I get up If there's little on the breakfast setup For the little I'm served I'm well repaid By the little that's on the serving maid The trip downtown Which once was boring Now's a journey I keep adoring A man is a dope who yells and storms At the lack of the drivers' uniforms And at the office during the duration What a pleasure giving dictation It ain't so bad in the land of the free Being a dictator like me And when my lady and I go dining Though the menu's cloudy There's a silver lining That's the one. A fellow just looks around the floor Who could ask for anything more? Who could ask for anything more? Who's complaining? I'm not complaining The sacrifices are few -My shoes may not be leathery -My pillow not so feathery My legs may be forgotten In cotton No complaining Through the campaigning I'll raise no hullabaloo My nails may lose their brilliancy But who cares what civilians see So long as they don't ration My passion For you Good night. Happy kitchen. Good night. Happy office. Good ni-- Good night. Happy taxi. Good night. Happy smoking. Have that girl come and see me tomorrow. I'm glad you liked her. I thought she was quite unusual-looking for a blond. No, the one with the red hair. Oh, the red hair. Oh, the red hair! I'll be in the study for calls. I don't know why you pay me if you ignore my judgment. Stop whistling! I wear myself out, wading through 1 0,000 girls, and out of the 1 0,000 you choose a redheaded nervous breakdown who specializes in sneezes. She told me so. That one isn't a girl, John. She's a leaping thyroid. I don't believe I've been in a honky-tonk place like McGuire's for 40 years. I don't know why I've saved this. Take a look at it. You're interested in antiques. If we got her for our cover.... -But, John, this is her. -Who? The- - The girl, the gland case. This program is dated 40 years ago. How could it be? Well, it couldn't be, but it is. Forty years ago. The night I got this, I was sitting in a box with Tony Pastor. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I fell in love with her the minute I saw her. The favorite doesn't always win No matter what the odds Since nobody knows How they'll come in I leave it to the gods So wish me luck Because I'm going to bet on A sentimental hunch My heart is suddenly set on Somehow, I'm sure I've found The sure thing in you Something within Tells me we'll win Somewhere, my heart Has picked you out of the blue You are not fucking interested in us, because you're so fucking into your own head, how fucking charming and funny and everything, you just fucking avoid it. And you don't care about us and our problems at all. All you care about is fucking convincing yourself that you are so desirable by getting a lot of women to fuck you. You don't even know how to be like just a person. Just a clear simple person. And this is probably the most truthful moment in your life right now, am I right? I can't believe that you're just dumping all this shit on me. It is really fucked up, I would never get off on just sitting out, railing into somebody and telling them their character defects. It is just twisted. -So you think you really know me? -Yeah. -And you know all my faults and all that? -Pretty well. Okay, how many guys do you think I fucked? None, you said none. That's right but you said none too, haven't you? Not only is it what you've told me, but I just know that you're probably incapable of it. You don't think I know what sexual temptation is? So how many guys do you think I fucked since I've been with you? None. More. One. More. Two, you are lying. -More. -Three. I know what you're doing. -You are just trying to... -More. -Four? -Yes, four. But maybe it was three because one was Vittorio, he was a repeat. Do you wanna hear how these guys like to be degraded or how do they like being licked or touched or fucked? Do you want a comparative description of dick size, including your own? I don't like this. Do you still love me? Am I still your one, your only one that you love? Are you incapable of getting excited by anyone except me? I can't. I mean do you still love me? Okay I know what you're trying to do, I kind of understand it, even though it's twisted and really psychotic for you to do it, but I will forgive you Just stop, it's not working. You can call him, he's at Soho if you don't believe me. Cause he is staying there, penthouse five. And in fact he threatened to tell you if you don't go see him tonight. I just know you would never do it because you would've never reacted with such anger to what I did, if you were doing it yourself. Because if you have, then you are so much more fucked up than I am. At least I am fucking finally telling you the truth, and you don't need to pull it out of me. See, I wasn't trying to hurt you. Now you're doing it to me, with the intention of being hurtful. I am not trying to hurt you, I am only trying to get on some honest ground where I feel like the rug isn't gonna be pulled out from under me. You fuck Vittorio? Vittorio? That Chippendales jerk? I wanna be on honest ground, too. I understand completely what Carla's saying. Right. Three girls. Three girls. I am so glad I said it. You know what, this isn't even going well. This little thing you guys set up to fuck me. No. We have not discussed this. I had no idea that she was gonna say this and I am sure she had no idea that I was gonna say this. Jesus Christ! And this just proves to both of us... -Girls? -...that we were sort of unsatisfied with you. -Girls! -So you are essentially a carpet muncher? And I find that term offensive. -I am sorry. -I find that term offensive. Clamp bumper. No, I am an evolved woman who realizes that you can get a lot out of a relationship with a woman. Like sensitivity, trust, nurturing that you cannot get out of a man. -You know there's like a gray area. -I can't fucking believe... that you came here and have driven my ass into the ground for 45 minutes holding all this information of what you two been up to. -This is fucking nuts. -This is not over. You fucked four other guys, and you've been with three women? -Yeah. -This is pathetic. Why are you so shocked? Shocked? This fucking last hour you've been railing into me about this bullshit. You are eating pussy, you are fucking three other guys and Vittorio. Fuck both of you! You should have known that we were doing this. Why does it matter if you love them or not? This is fucking ridiculous. Oh yeah, well have you loved anyone? Did you really love me, did you really love Lou? Have you ever loved anyone? Can you spare in between all the time you're fucking all these different people? Do you have time to, like, have a feeling? And it doesn't feel very good, does it? Did you ever had any real feelings, or did you just like play Hamlet all the time and pretend to have real feelings? Look, I made my suggestion and I thought it was a good one. Two girls and a guy. But it seems like you guys are a little to conventional for that, and that's okay. Hello? Dr. Cutler? Thanks for calling me back. So did you talk to her? Yeah. No, I think there was a very significant drop in her voice, 50% at least. Well no offense, maybe you don't know I've talked to her three times a day and I know there is something different. Do you think it is possible that... Yes, she's still smoking. I don't know what she told you, but that's the truth. Well, when you tell me not to worry, don't worry, I am worried! Your professional opinion? Listen, I know my mother and I am telling you there is something wrong with her, and I think that she should probably be admitted today. Well I don't think that's acceptable. All right, so if you're not gonna be in the office, then give me... You want me to call you? Do you want me to track you down to the 9th hole? I am telling you that I need your help, and you're telling me not to worry, and I am worried. Well then, refer me to someone else. I am telling you there's something wrong, I got to bring her in. I am relaxed, but I don't understand why you're... What do you suggest? Is that all you have to say? You are a fucking quack. I'll do it myself. I am tired of this bullshit. I am gonna go upstairs and make a phone call. Okay, I apologize if I was derogatory about your bisexuality. It's ok. I gotta go see my mom in a couple of minutes cause there's something... This guy is a piece of crap. Just five minutes. I feel bad about everything, I do. I am sorry I reacted the way I did in there. I just, words are not serving me at all. I think that language is always lies. That is why I like playing the piano, because there is no words. What is your point, what do you wanna do? I don't know, I am very reluctant to say goodbye. I think there's something exceptional to accomplish, not to ditch our relationship right now? Even if I think that, I think the cycle would still continue. Finally it will just come down to chemistry. -Hormones. -The only thing to do. When you're overcome with overwhelming desire just submit to it. Even if it is admitted to? -Did I do that? -What? Like you want me to say, "Hi, how is your day?" "It was great, I fucked this guy, how was yours?" What are you saying? That after everything it is better to lie? I am just saying that maybe we're just not capable of monogamy. Maybe for some people it's like nature, maybe we're just... Fucked up? Maybe monogamy violates some part of our being. Desire makes us feel alive. We need to feel desired. And to say no is like automutilation. Some people are so desperate they need to feel like they are not alone, so they pretend like they can love one person exclusively. -They being you and I? -Would you argue with that? I'd like to, but I don't think I can make a valid argument. I think that regardless of whether or not you can trust me or I can trust you, when I am not with you and we trust ourselves, it doesn't mean that we just can right now. I think we should continue and see what happens. I gotta go see my mom. I'll be right back Don't leave, okay? I am gonna go. Here's my number. If you ever have the beer, I'll always have the time. And I don't mean just sexually. Not just sexually anyway. Hi. Manhattan. Frank E. Campbell. It is a business. Camp... the letter E. It's Campbell, C-A-M-P-B-E-L-L. It's a funeral home. Hi, I am calling... Hi. Hello. Yeah, I am calling to make funeral arrangements for my friend's mother. Dorothy Allan. Okay, we'll be there then. Are you okay? We should go. I am gonna get my coat. It's just a bunch of pipes ... Helping! Why do you shout? It's quiet here. AAH! I AM bookworm! EAT! EAT! BOOKWORM HUNGRlG! NOW EAT! Stop! I first! " I only " damn, what good! NO! Not beppo! Not READING! Read, Mark! I will! " There once was a clown named Beppo. " " His shoes were so big that he does not could go. It did Beppo sad. " NO! Not SORRY! HAPPY Beppo! Happy happy, I think. " On this day was the Clown Beppo happy " " Because today he got a friend, an elephant. " " They decided starting a circus. ' " At the Circus were dolphins and seals. " Snoring sounds Kenny, wake up! What is it? We can take now. What did you say? Why is that? How did Beppo? He got a lot of dolphins. It was quite fun in there. Fun? We held the dying! We went straight into a trap. Did we? However bookwork then? It was he who was the trap. -Check! Intellektuell heavy metal! -I First. Bokmål Published ALERT! BOOKWORM HUNGRlG! AAH! A trap! Bookworm was a trap! The we must tell memorymaticen! See you tomorrow? What did you say? We'll see. We have gone in a trap! Straight into a trap! I underestimated klanten Starfighter and snot kids. No one will stop me from avenging! You get to smell bad! lnjicera! Is it true? May I? All these little kids? lnjicera all! I hate children! Hate! Hate! Hate! Quiet! lnjicera! I promise! KNACKNlNG Come in. I go to Paris tomorrow. Would you like coffee, tea, perfume? No. We can not have that myskvällen when I get home? I have signed up for the recorder. I have a guitar, so we can play. No ... maybe not. Good night. Good night. Recorder ... Well, anyway ... If you find wet spots in bed so it is quite natural at your age. Mom, you are so embarrassing. Yes. Pussipuss. Good night. Pussipuss. " Kenny, Go and fetch Zings collection of formulas. " " Go and fetch, go and fetch ... " Wake up, now let's summarize. Good morning, Kenny. Dr. Deo has Zings formelsamling and is on Earth. A colleague dies of mähälium. His last words are "to die, Deo". He has a bottle with super fuel Chocolate Zingo. The fuel leads me to something called "school". Where do I go into a trap. Is really true. You do not have to be mean. I took me splendidly out of the trap. "Compliant" you may well say then? Do you know ? ! Hey! Listen! Listen! So here I think: Dr. Deo available at school and accumulate Chocolate Zingo. Why then? And where the school is Dr. Deo? TELEFONSlGNAL Hello? Is it Mark? You get a chance to. Gather the gang. We'll maple film. What time is it? Bring someone disguise. Perfect disguise. What do you do? I think Dr. Deo is the school. At the school? He may have dressed up. For monsters? To teachers. This is a mähäliumdetektor. Those who have been in contact with mähälium become green in the camera. It explains nothing. It does after all! It does not at all! Whoever turns green is Dr. Deo! You are so fucking wind. Marshmallow! Let be the insulation. It tastes like strawberry. Add to! Could not you have it? No, it is din turban. It's too small for me. Testing, testing. Ouch! Yes, I hear you. Can I see a panning right? Turn your head, do not wiggle! So, yes! Pan left. So! Perfect! Must help Kenny! Must save the Earth! Kenny Starfighter good! Dr. Deo bad! What do you say? Testing, testing. Can you hear me? Markus? Testing, testing. Quiet, I hear. Do you hear me? I hear nothing. You must take care of that later. Markus? You disappeared. Achtung! No, what fine, Markusss. Can not you tell all what you imagine? WAS LST DAS? I have converted ... to Buddhists. I did not know To Buddhists wore a turban. There is a special wing. Ein Phalanx ... Yes, yes, Bader Meinhof und so weiter. Das ist gut, Mark. Good! So, all of Kinder, Say after me, bitte. LJUDSlGNAL Attention! All Class 6b going to sister for the tetanus shot. Immediately! Remember that it should be quiet when taking tetanus. Did not we tetanus last week? Ruhe, bittering. Yes, yes, RAUS! Is not it dangerous to take the same syringe twice? Now I see something! There you are. It works. What are you doing? Where are you? Hey, Mark? We are waiting for tetanus. I know that, creep bastard. There you can not be. You have to shoot. We should. This goes fast. EEH! A giant monsters! Help me! Meet your destiny. My hero, you are wonderful! I know. Down with the pants. What? Already? Should we not hugging little? Down with the pants, I said! HELP! Until the buttocks, you little turd. She is under the influence. She is dangerous. And incredibly stylish. Markus! What's going on? You'll also get a taste of the syringe. Come, let's go! I'll save you! Mark, there's no point. Come on! Next! Good! Now we know one that Dr. Deo have been on. You have to shoot more. We need to search further. It's dangerous! Good day, schoolmaster. Sssch! I'll help! We draw! Wait! What was that? This? No, there! There are only a few cards. Let me see! Hold it up in front of the camera. Focus, zoom, cold amplifiers. Wollie bollie! It's formulas! You can stop now and go home. What now? Everything will be green! What a nice hat. Beware! That could be Dr. Deo. Markus? Markus? lschlo pischlo! What do you have there? Can I see? Get SEE! Formulas? My formulas? Oh, it was you, you little thief! I knew it! But we did not know. Did what? did What, then ? ! It confiscates me. It confiscates me! PLP, the PLP! Space bus. Wollie bollie, Kenny. How is the situation? Here everything is top. Hey, I know who is Dr. Deo. He is the school. Your tracks led me right. Who is Dr. Deo? He is a super dangerous criminal. Though now he's dressed as a teacher. Good job, Kenny. How is the formula collection? What did you say? How is the formula collection? It is I! I think. They are on their way with it. It seems pretty good. Do not forget that we work together. What did you say? We are a team. It is good, Kenny. Gulla bull! I have the ... What do you want? O, great master ... You hurt the most by the evil ... Has everything gone as planned? No ... but I mean yes. The class we got, but the four batters. Batter? Yes, but I have the formula cards. Talk, talk, talk ... Bring them here, you bastard! Yes. Hello? Well ... Goodbye then. Goodbye. Must save the planet. " Bring them, bring them " ... Hempo, I think we have Glin on the road. We need someone ham? I'm not thick. I have just strong bones. What did glinet? Down on your knees! No, not you! Glinen! Damn. Well, what do we say this? What we hear here? We play a little with the Clin ... kids. What fun! Is it a terroristlek? Have you seen this man? No no. Musikmajjen? He is the school. Good. Thank you. Ouch! Bloody old bilhelvete! It bleeds! Have they not fixed gear? " The Bleeding " damn, what good! Now I must explain. I declare now. I spotted on this turban and ... It was so nice! Sorry. It was a bit messy, so I forgot them. Your vain jerk! I hope indeed there are formulas. Kenny has them, you will get undergo bowel preparation with acetone. Thank you very much. Quiet! Run! I'm smart! I'm smart! Now I rushed completed. Gone? Gone? No, but ... not gone. No. Not gone. No! The formulas for Benny! The cards Lenny! Must hurry! Must save the planet! Stop! Now are you in! I have formulas! Now we can save the Earth! Hurry! We must find Tenny! Save the Earth! We go straight to jail! Naha. Oh well. Naha. You have the words do not? No. lSCHLO PlSCHLO! It is the picture! Where did you To that SlimJim kept house? Mucus Sven. In biology expedition. What did you say? In biology expedition. I school. Oh well. I think we go there and takes the formula collection. Should not we wait until it gets dark? No, it's not a good idea. We wait until the sun goes down. It is better. I demand revenge! But that's something recorded with that dude who is with the kids. Shut up! That clown are nothing to be afraid of. Hempo where they are! ldiot! After them! Move on! Bloody Bugs! I must call Tenny! Do you know how expensive it is to call? There is a phone booth outside If you are calling, ie. Imprison me. I have committed a crime. Calm yourself. For 400 SEK, we forget this. What's the crime? Insurance fraud. It was not dangerous. We say 300th No! No! It is petty theft, grave desecration, arson ... Murder? Ajajaj ... Ajajaj ... Ajajaj, it gets expensive. We say 2000 bucks, so you get going then. And then I can go? No! Lock me up! Please! Aha! That's what you want! Okay, we say 1000 bucks. You may stay overnight. Thank you. It was cheap. Let me in! Unfortunately, you can not get your own cell ... It's nothing. It is this that I want. Indeed, I am a little afraid of the dark. Where are you, my Queen? I'm getting tired of this. Good day. My name is Torvald Bengtsson. I am Rector the tangle generating primary school. Oh well. Hello. Hey, hey. You do not have your husband home? No. So good ... I mean as sin. It's about your son ... I have no son. CORRECT MLG Not! YOU WILL BE QUIET! Let me in, so I may speak with you. Why, how nice that you came visiting! Do not just stand there! Come on in! Come in! I have cake and coffee. Sit where you like. Tyrone, you go first. Never! The jar? It's quiet. I agree. You go last. I do not want! The school! Good! Here no one can hear them scream! Where should we look? Picking everything is suspect. Like what? As example, this lever. Pulling it. As it is' 'do not touch'! That sign is ironic. They mean the opposite. Pull the lever now. It is certainly something secret compartment the bookshelf. Pull the lever! AAH! Have you seen! A secret compartment! In this world, there are many demons in disguise. Sometimes they show their fangs and claws, and attack us. However, he will be the emissary of justice who came from the very depths of hell in order to protect us. Nube! Finally, it's summer break! Where do you want to go? Hey, Nube... let's go! Listen, during summer break there's nothing better than staying in a room and enjoying its air conditioner! Ah, this is paradise! What are you, an old man? We need a chaperone, so we came looking for you! I'll pass. Honestly, I don't want to go out during the hot summer. So cold! Even though your cute students are begging you like this! What's going on? Ritsuko-sensei! Take us to the beach! The beach, huh? I'm sorry, they're just so selfish! The beach is great! Shall we all go together? Hurray! That's right, summer means the beach! Now, everyone, the sea is calling us! Being able to go to the beach with Ritsuko-sensei... I'm so happy! What swimsuit will she wear? Huh, what's wrong with you all? Cut that out! Summer Holiday of Fear! Legend of the Sea of Suspicion! Ah, such nice weather! Isn't that the place, Ritsuko-sensei? Yes, it looks very beautiful, doesn't it? It really is beautiful! A white sandy beach and blue ocean and sky as far as one can see! This will be the best summer break ever! I want to go swimming now! I can't wait anymore! Hey, you can't take off your clothes here! I forgot to wear swimming trunks underneath... But it's okay, I'll swim like this! No way! Let go, Hiroshi! Come on, it's only for a second! It'll be bad if it gets lost! Hey look! I win! No way, I want to see too! What? You want to see too? Hey, let me see! Don't push me! Huh? Hey you guys! By any chance, do those belong to you, Nube? I knew something like this would happen, so I bound it with fish wire. Don't be so careless! You're not a spider. How cheap. Hey, these were expensive! Oh yeah, I saw something! There was a girl on that island. Huh, a girl? Where? I don't see anyone! Huh, that's strange... I saw a naked girl standing on that rock just now. Naked? ! What's wrong? You're such a pervert! Scorned! Hey, don't go too far! Wow, Ritsuko-sensei looks so pretty in a swimsuit! Thank you, Noriko-chan. I'm glad I came after all. But you also look cute in your swimsuit, Noriko-chan. Ah, no, that's... What? She's just a co-star, how can she look more better than me? I'm the heroine of this movie, not Noriko! If that's the case... So, what do you think of my F-cups? Oh no, my swimsuit has fallen down! Can you help me tie... it... up? Who you talking to? The abnormal bachelor just beat the pretty girl! Stop it, or you'll never get married! This girl... Actually, there aren't many people here... Even though it's such a nice place. And with such a nice view, too. We can go there, right? What's that, Hiroshi? You still missing that naked girl? But I do want to-- wah! If you know what's good for you, then you'd better stay away from that island. Why is that? What's going on, gramps? Spider Island is an isolated island that's been cursed. There are terrible sea spiders on that island. Sea spiders? They live in the sea near here. They like look a spider but have a terrible face, and those which have lived for 200 years will transform into flesh-eating demons and bring terrible disaster. I think you'd better stay away from that island. I've heard this kind of legend a hundred times already! Those of us in Nube's class don't cry at such childish stories! Yeah, we aren't scared of these sorts of legends! Nueno-sensei... It's okay, I'll be here with you, so don't worry! I'm counting on you! Nueno-sensei? Jeez... is this guy really so reliable? Nueno-sensei! Yukime-san! Yukime! Nueno-sensei, what's going on? You left me behind all alone! That's because... it's impossible for a yuki-onna to swim in the ocean, right? I don't think so! What do you think? I'm a summer girl! Great! Cool, Yukime-san! You're so hot! You have to be careful, because the color black will absorb the heat of the sun. Now that she lost her breasts, she looks just like Kyoko. That's none of your business! Hey, use more sand on my chest! It's useless. Who is that? A local kid? That's the girl I saw at that time... Hey, she's coming this way. How is it, boss? Heh heh... what do you think? Not bad, eh? What? Wait! Hey... Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm just not adjusted to this yet! Hey, want play with me? I'm Nagisa, nice to meet you! -I'm Tateno Hiroshi, nice to meet you! -I'm Kimura Katsuya, class 5 at Doumori Elementary! I'm Kurito Makoto! Although I seem younger, I'm the same age as them. Makoto, when did you...! Don't fight, let's have some fun! What is that? Wait! How strange... what is this? Huh? That's a surfboard! You don't know? You must be joking! You play with it like this! Scary! Stop! What is this? That girl is totally flat! That's why boys are so annoying. Hiroshi... Nagisa-chan? Yeah, now it's my turn! Hey, everyone! Come and play with us! Come on, everyone! It looks like fun. Let's go! I guess it can't be helped. How dare they leave me alone here! I won't forgive you guys! Miki! Come on, Hiroshi, let's race! I won't lose to you! I want to join as well! Hey Hiroshi, you said you'd teach me to swim, right? You're so noisy! Go practice by yourself! Go, go, Katsuya! Good luck! Good luck! What's wrong with Hiroshi? That idiot. That girl has such a thick face, anyway! Honestly, what's wrong with everyone? Okay, first place! Second place! Hiroshi wins! Hiroshi! Oh no, I've gone out too far! I'd better go back. Who is that? Hiroshi? Hiroshi, right? Hey, don't do anything weird! Stop that, it tickles! St-- Ah... he got on! What's wrong, Nagisa-chan? That's... No way! Nueno-sensei? Kyoko! Hang in there, Kyoko! Kyoko! Kyoko! You saved me? You're all right, now. There are demons that live in the ocean and believe they can become more powerful by attacking humans. Thank you for saving me, Nube! You should thank Nagisa-kun. I wouldn't have been able to help if she hadn't made it to you in time. I'm sorry... I... Let's play together, Kyoko-chan! Since when have you gotten so teary-eyed, Kyoko? That isn't like you! Hey, Kyoko! How dare you? ! Take this! Stop right there, Hiroshi! All right, now this is like the Kyoko I know! What do you mean by that? Nagisa-chan! Nagisa-chan is a good kid! Cute, gentle, and reliable! I wonder if she'll transfer to Nube's class? I'm really glad we came to the beach after all, it's so fun! Nagisa-chan has become rather popular with everyone, hasn't she? That's true. She's such a mysterious kid. Huh? ! Come to think of it, when Kyoko was attacked it may have been a messenger spirit's warning. I bet something big is about to happen and that kid is involved. Then, what is it? Eat them all! Eat them all! Nagisa-chan! Nagisa-chan! Nagisa-chan! Are you okay? Hey, did I surprise you? I'm a good actor! Then, let's take a break! That scared me! Eat! Eat them all! Everyone! Hey, do you want to go somewhere really fun? Really fun? Yeah! Ritsuko-sensei! Ritsuko-sensei! Hang in there, Ritsuko-sensei! Yukime-san... Ritsuko-sensei! Hang on, Ritsuko-sensei! You'll be fine, Nueno-sensei will heal you! Sensei, was that...? That wasn't a mere messenger spirit. That was a sea demon, which is much worse. Yukime, tell Hiroshi and the others to take refuge at the hotel! I'll bring Ritsuko-sensei later! Sensei! Hiroshi and the others... What is it? I can't find them anywhere! What did you say? Hiroshi, Kyoko! Everyone! Where could they have gone? Spider Island... They went to Spider Island! I'm not mistaken! Those kids were summoned by the sea spider! They'll be eaten very soon! Wah, so pretty! There are so many fish! I feel fine, even after diving so deep! I can breathe so easily! Even I can swim with everyone! It's just like a dream! How is it? It's beautiful, right? This is great! Yeah! Look at this! Eat them! Eat them all! It's now the time. After 200 years, tonight is the full moon. Hey, you can't come here by yourselves! Nube? Sensei? Honestly... we've been so worried about you! I'm sorry, Sensei. It's my fault! Nagisa-chan! Sensei, it wasn't Nagisa-chan's fault! It was all of us! Punish us instead! Poor Nagisa-chan! That's right, Nube! Okay, okay, I understand. All of you stay right here! Yukime, I'll leave them in your care. Yes, Sensei! It hurts... My body... Nagisa-kun. Sensei, I'm sorry. Since I'm all alone I wanted to make some friends. Don't worry, I'm not here to scold you. There's nothing wrong with making new friends. It's just that this beach is too dangerous. As a teacher, I must protect my students. Sensei, I can't stand it anymore! I love everyone! I don't want to say goodbye to them! Well, you can't do anything about that... But next summer... No! I heard it... in my mind... I will die during the full moon! So, before that happens... Nagisa-kun... I'm scared, Sensei! I feel like I'm going to disappear now! What are you saying? That is an incredible aura! Don't tell me that you're... Wait, Nagisa-kun! What the hell? ! Nube! Nagisa-chan! Nueno-sensei! Nube! What's that? Maybe he's in there! Let's go! That's Nagisa-chan? Yeah, it really is Nagisa-chan! Hey, Nagisa-chan! What are you doing in a place like this? Don't come any closer! Huh? What's wrong? Nagisa-chan! Everyone! I'm sorry... No way... What are they? They're demons from the sea! What are you doing? Stop that! This demon fire... it's so hot! Damn it! Everyone... No, you can't go! Stop it, let me go! No! Everyone, wake up! Stop this, Nagisa-kun! What? ! Nueno-sensei! Nube! Bastard! You're still alive? The universe and the earth... Give me power to defeat the evil... Nagisa-kun! Stop this, you haven't transformed fully into a demon yet! You still have a human consciousness! Nagisa-kun! Nube! Nueno-sensei! Yukime-kun, it's dangerous here. You have to get everyone off of this island now! But what about you? Don't worry about me. Your rival is me! Come on! I'll leave them to you! Okay! Come on, let's go everyone! Will Nube be all right? We won't let you go... We'll have to head back! I can't let you screw things up! We have been waiting for this moment for so long! This moment? Sensei! Everyone... We can't leave this island! There are too many monsters in the ocean! What? Wah, I don't want to die! I'm scared! Ah, we shouldn't have come here! Nueno-sensei... has been swallowed? -Nube! -Nueno-sensei! It's fine feel hateful and bitter... By feeding on those feelings our sea spider will have such amazing power! What did you say? You should understand how it is for us demons. Our destiny was decided for us. Destiny? Tonight is the first full moon after 200 years The last night for a sea spider to become a demon. If we fail to do so then we have to kill her ourselves. Our lives are for this one purpose. Your lives? No way! How can you kill Nagisa-chan? ! Don't worry! Just let the sea spider eat you and then she will awaken as a complete demon! I cannot accept this! The Universe and the Earth, give me the power to defeat evil and bring justice! The demon sealed in my left hand... Show me your true power! Impossible! That's awesome, Nube! Stupid... If we're defeated, it is impossible to change the sea spider's destiny again! What? Don't you know? The real dread of the sea spiders... Dread? After tonight a sea spider will be unable to become a complete demon anymore and it also can no longer take a human form. And then, after losing its purpose for living in this world it will lose its conscious and become a fierce monster that causes trouble and attacks humans. It will completely destroy this world! That's why we... Don't tell me that...! Only by making it a complete demon can this world of oceans have peace. That is our destiny as sea demons and sea spiders! No way! If that's true... Sensei! Eat them! Eat them all! And then become a complete sea demon! Nube! Yukime-san, Nube in danger! No, that girl is still... Listen to me, Nagisa-kun! The demon likes the taste of human feelings... Human hatred and bitterness... These strong emotions create the demon. The irony is these feelings are used to hurt humans... However... You can't kill humans! You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings even though you are a sea spider, isn't that right? Is that not so? No... I believe it's the truth! Sensei... Thanks for stopping me. My destiny is to eat human flesh and become a complete demon. But... But... I can't do it! To kill my friends and eat them... I'd rather die than do that! Everyone... Though it was short lived, thank you for being so nice. I'm really happy! Nagisa-chan! I don't want to be a burden anymore! I don't know when I will transform back into a sea spider, so... Sensei, please... Use your hand and... Nagisa-kun. Demon hand... Make this soul rest in peace! Wait! Even though she's a demon... Shouldn't she also be able to stay with those she loves? Yukime-kun... Sensei, doesn't a demon deserve to be happy? Why not? Nube! You can't let her die! She has the right to be happy! Yeah! Nube! I can understand your feelings... However, for the sake of ending Nagisa-kun's evil destiny... Nagisa-chan! It's all right, everyone! The reason I was able to make friends with you all was because of my power! That's not true! The reason we were attracted to you is because you have a beautiful and pure heart. Yeah, that's why we became friends! Yeah... You will always be our friend! Always... Nagisa-chan... Everyone... This is...! Nueno-sensei, what happened on Spider Island yesterday? Eh... well... Nagisa-chan... I will never forget you! Makoto... What is that? Where? Look, something on the rock there! A mermaid? It's too far, I can't see it clearly! She seems similar, somehow... I can see it as well! Nagisa-chan? It can't be... She's alive? Sensei? It is the dark part of the human heart that attracts demons. However, the opposite also exists. The warm heart of those children changed Nagisa's destiny from becoming a demon to a beautiful mermaid. It is a good thing she felt such warmth. That Nagisa-kun wouldn't be here if not for those kids. Be happy, Nagisa-chan! Surely we'll come here again. Let's play together once more! Farewell! Farewell! Please stop. In here. ln there. Get away. Stop it. Who's keeping the whales from evolving? They beach themselves higher each year. They want to live on land. But someone keeps pushing them back. Let me out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Let me out. Sit. Sit, Benny. Sit. Sit, Ben. Sit. Benny won't sit. - You don't always do what I tell you. - But it's not the same. Race you. Hey, how'd you two get to be so fast, huh? Jordan, why don't you go and see if Benny wants something to eat? - He already ate. - Well, maybe he wants some water, then. - OK. Come on, Ben. - OK? Hi. I'm Peter Watts. Yes, I know who you are. Has something happened? - Did Frank call you last night? - No. But he wouldn't if it got late or something. What's going on? He never checked into his hotel in Yakima. The police called this morning. Have you checked the hospitals? Also notified law enforcement along his route, but nothing so far. Oh, my God. He said he was going to review a few papers. That was my understanding. I'd like to take a look through his things if I could. - Maybe the two of us could find something. - Yes, come in. Listen, I apologize for even asking this, but is there anything I should know? Everything all right here? Yeah, things have been good. - Let's see what's on his computer. May I? - Yes. - What was this case that you sent him on? - Routine homicide review. Then why send Frank? From what I understand, it was something he wanted to do. Got a fair amount of Internet activity outside the Group. One Web site in particular. Some encrypted correspondence. We can probably undo that. Email. The correspondence itself has been deleted but the directory is intact. - You ever hear of a Dr Daniel Miller? - No. Frank's using another name besides his own here. David Marx? is that a friend of yours? Catherine, help me here. Five years ago just before Frank collapsed, he used to vanish. Sometimes for days at a time. He would check into hotels using that name. It was a friend of his when he was a kid, who died. - Mommy? - l'll be right there, sweetheart. is Daddy all right? We have a disturbance at 54th and Lincoln. Probable 415, D and D. - Drunk and disorderly. Plasma Row. - Yeah, your turn to do the honors. Yeah, I know, I know. We got any rubber gloves or anything in here? It's mine. Get out the way. Give it to me. It's mine. All right, break it up. Break it up. You want to hand that to me now? I see a man late for an appointment. Jack, we got a guy here in serious shape. Hi. - Where's Frank? - We got a call from the Yakima police. He was in pretty bad shape when they found him. - How you doing, Jordan? - Fine. Oh, Frank... What happened? Hi, Daddy. Any explanation? Maybe he'll talk to you. He was wearing this hospital bracelet. David Marx? Frank? What's going on? I can't remember. David Marx? That must have been scary for you. I already knew. We found the name on your computer. - l used that name before I left? - Some email. It's not what you're thinking. Something happened to me up there, and I don't know, I can't remember. Wherever I was, someone died there. - You're sure this is the right address? - lt's on his Internet account. Hey, out there, shut up. I warned you kids. - What can I do you for? - We're looking for a Dr Daniel Miller. Dr Daniel Miller. You mean Danny. - ls he in? - He's in, all right. Guy hasn't left the building since I've worked here. Down the hall, 109. I'd like to talk to him myself. Tell him his rent's two weeks late. Dr Miller? The superintendent said you were here. My name is Frank Black. David Marx. You lied about your name? You're a doctor? Please don't answer a question with a question. Cornell Med. Fourth in my class. I came to you for medical advice? - Here? - l've never been here before. You're barely here now. You don't remember. I can't imagine why I would have been in contact with you. Do you remember the trial? What trial? Selective retrograde amnesia. Possibly psychogenic. - What kind of medicine do you practice? - l said up front I can't practice any more. - When did you tell me this? - Email. Wow. I heard it got weird but the others just said they saw crazy, crazy stuff. What did you do to me? I thought I did you a favor, one to another. - One what to another? - You said you were like me. Seeing things. You told me you were looking for a cure. - You were here? - According to Dr Daniel Miller. Said I contacted him on the Internet. He keeps tabs on experimental drugs and clinical trials. - Testing drugs before they're approved? - Yeah. He said I was interested in a third-stage efficacy trial, a drug called Proloft. Why? I don't understand it. I don't even take aspirin. - Can I help you? - Would you know about a clinical trial that was held here this past Sunday? We're closed weekends. Sir. May I help you? Sir, may I help you? Sir? It happened here. The glass. I broke it with my hands. This couldn't have been a normal trial. These were animals in a zoo. They were observing. Here. Over there. A camera. No. No. No. We scoured the clinic. There were four holes in the ceiling that could have housed video cameras. The glass in the door was replaced. Hair and fiber is consistent with a room used by many people. Some latent bloodstains, but that's hardly unusual in a medical setting. The drug company released the test records. No names, but they confirm that David Marx was in the trial. Left at 3:45 PM. - Whose signature is this? - The nurse. We're trying to contact her. So it appears you were in this trial. I would have never taken the drug. Then whatever happened to you came later. Everyone was affected. - lt must have been in the water dispenser. - No, we checked. - lt had to be. - Frank, listen to me. Your hands were cut, blood all over them. - We talked about that. - This person you say died... - Did die. - And you don't know what you've done. You see what I'm saying? The Group wants you to come in and talk to someone. Danny's been in touch with the trial participants. He's gathering them together to find out what happened. You're welcome to come. Moxie here, just clumsy. That's how that happened. Yeah, well, I was scared. That goes with being paranoid. - Did you see me there? - Sure. You were writing down things. That was the nurse. I don't know what the stink is all about. Believe me, I saw much worse down in New Orleans. Some kind of anti-Alzheimer concoction that they're trying to sneak past the FDA. Everyone was crazy-corn for a whole week afterwards. I heard everyone was drunk as skunks. - Great turnout. - How many people do this for a living? Be human guinea pigs? Thousands of trials every year. - He blinded himself. - That's Oedipus, dear. With his own hands. I saw it. Hey, I saw you tear your own nose off, but there it is, on your ugly face. So what's that about, huh? The man who blinded himself, that's who died. Based on what? On what you heard in there? - What are you doing with these people? - Trying to find out. So you trust some shut-in you met over the Internet? - Be honest with me. - l have been. You have not. You misled us. You concocted Group business to take you to Yakima. - You misled your wife. - That's not your problem. I am the person who had to go to your house and tell your wife that you were missing. - You're not being honest with anybody. - l am trying very hard. Frank. - Excuse me. - Just a moment. I'm looking for a man that may have been admitted suffering from severe eye damage. - Sorry. Patient records are confidential. - He may have been admitted with me. My name is David Marx. Wait here. I'll see what I can do. Thank you. - He was right here. - Violent, huh? The guy nearly broke Jackson's arm. - Why'd you release him? - We didn't. He fought his way out. I thought the records would help me remember. - They'll show up. - No. He has 'em. Who? Peter called. I know it doesn't seem like it, but he's trying to help. He should look for the man that died instead of questioning if it happened. He doesn't believe you? He says I lied to everyone, including you. He told me some things about Proloft. That it's being certified to treat certain temporal-lobe anomalies. Hallucinations. - l would have never taken the drug. - l know that. That's not what I mean. I mean it makes a kind of sense that you were at the trial. Not to me. You had to have a good reason to contact Danny in the first place. Frank. I know you would never lie to me. - Now you just have to find the guy who died. - l must have seen him at the clinic. They found you there after you left the hospital. Whatever drew you back must have been pretty important. Hey. Stop the truck. Turn it off. Give me your flashlight. Holy Mother of God. Lacerations, bruises, defensive marks. Probably finished her off with a blow here. The occipital bone is shattered. Whatever cut your hands is not what was used to kill her. My guess is a rock, a pipe, something ad hoc. - Disposal of the body reads the same. - A struggle. Not premeditated. - Certainly not well planned. - He doesn't see himself as a killer. I think ajury would disagree. But you were right. Somebody died. She's not the one. This guy killed two people? Whoever it is has to be hooked into this trial. A participant, someone from the drug company. A man of science. There was someone I was supposed to see. Some expert. That's why I went to the trial. That's the nurse from the trial. - Dead? - Yeah. There's another body. We just haven't found it yet. You led me to the man that was connected with the trials. Some kind of expert, psychotropic drugs. You saw who I know. They wouldn't do this. He almost killed me. Who is he? I don't know. All right? I don't know. I don't know. I trusted you. What about your family? Did you lie about that, too? I have a wife and a daughter. Yeah, but you don't really see things, do you? I do. I have a daughter. One night, when my wife was out, I was taking care of her and... They found me on the highway trying to run into cars. The lights. I thought it was the road to heaven. Beautiful child. I thank the Lord every day I didn't drag her out there with me. It's OK for me, this. But my daughter... God, I worry what she might have inherited from me. I've got to go. This is my phone number. If anything comes up... Or call if you want to call. - Water was contaminated. - Thought you checked it. We did. Mass spectrometry id'd a trace residue of mesmertine hydrochloride. - Which is what? - Proloft. We thought someone from the trial had spit out their medication. - So why are we here? - Sandy Geiger, Frank Black. Sandy runs the x-ray diffraction facility. She had a look at the residue. - l thought it was Proloft. - Yes and no. You'll love this. - What are we seeing? - Stereoisomers. Two configurations of mesmertine hydrochloride. Same formula. Mass spectrometry can't tell them apart. But look at this. - Two different three-D structures. - Mirror images. Like thalidomide. The molecule had two forms. One prevented miscarriages but the flip side caused defects. - l remember that. - This is Proloft. It adjusts serotonin levels, controls anxiety. But this is what you gave me. It's close to molecules that lower the threshold for temporal-lobe seizures. Causing fight-or-flight response and other primal behaviors. - Almost the opposite of Proloft. - Evil twin. I had a drink of water. I never knowingly took the drug. AntiProloft. Access to the trial. Has to be someone from the drug company. Was Danny any help? - Not yet. - Bedford Shriver has 2,000 employees. If we go in blind, we could tip them off. That's what this is. A trial. He's testing his product for something bigger. Massive contamination after Proloft is certified? I'm not so sure he'll wait that long. Danny, open the door. I need to talk to you. Open the door. I just want to talk. - How are you? - Better. We're finally making some progress. Jordan asleep? - Of course. Do you know how late it is? - Long day. - Peter and I have been all over. - l take it you saw Danny Miller. - Why? - He left kind of a nutty message for you. Hang on, I'll play it for you. Frank? David? After you two left, I started thinking, why feel bad when you can feel good? It's a choice we make and I'm ready to head outside. - Frank, are you still there? - Honey, I'll talk to you later. Oh, my goodness. The guy just walked out in front of me. You saw it, man. He ran right at me. There was nothing I could do. It wasn't my fault. Yeah, I know. Thank you. Thank you very much. Peter. Word on who Danny contacted at Bedford Shriver? It's bad. He talked to half the company. He obviously got to our guy. I stayed at his apartment till the fiber crew showed. - They'll come up with something. - Takes time. - l also went through his things. - You find anything? Yeah. Dr Daniel Miller is definitely for real. Top of his class at Cornell. Chi Sigma Delta. Postdoctorate work at the University of Pennsylvania. Stacks of letters from grateful patients. Then it all ended in 1986. But he had a lot of fans. - Until his breakdown. - Even after that. He hooked people up with experimental drugs. Helped get them into trials. People in the late stages of aids, psych patients who didn't respond to therapies. - Doctor of last resorts. - Helped a lot of people. His sheets on the trial participants. You might want to tell them what happened. Danny left us a message. I have a hard time believing Ingram could do the things you're talking about. - He did. - He's been a model employee for 16 years. Long hours. Never misses a day. Except today. Wouldn't you know? What I mean is, there was no sign. No one. That's a bad sign. Does this seem maybe slightly obsessive to you? Guy this neat's not going to be too happy about getting his door broken. Get a load of this. Looks human. Half the country's on antidepressants already. Proloft will snare 20 million more. 50 million people medicated. Welcome to the Age of Aquarius. This guy with his antiProloft? He thinks he's doing us all a favor. Yes? - For you. Peter Watts. - Peter. We found the other body. Ocular trauma, tissue samples removed. Turned into a lab specimen but no Ingram. You? A hopper of ibuprofen, a kilo heavy. - They're testing it for contaminants. - Maybe we got him in time. From what I'm seeing, dosing random bottles of aspirin won't do it for him. He's going to make a grander point. Does Bedford Shriver make a product called Smooth Time? - Do you make Smooth Time? - Never heard of it. - No, why? - His grand point. I think we've got a box of it. All units, all districts. Stage-one alert. Proceed immediately to 6221 19th Street, 62-21 19th Street. Can you help? Hang on. Frank. He's handing out bogus samples to people on the way to work. - You have him? - He's got to be long gone. No, he records everything. He wouldn't miss this. - Where's Security? - Upstairs, left. I saw you coming. I could have left. Agitation, 8.5. You were wild. I learned a lot from you. - You poisoned me. - l had a plan. You stepped on it. Look at them. Look at these people. You poisoned them all. No, they poisoned themselves. Look at this. People will take anything. - We're a nation of zombies. - People are dying. - The company puts people to sleep. - And you wake 'em up. Right. When this is over, will everyone go back to their zombie lives? I don't think so. - So you made your big point? - Yes. You killed the nurse, you killed Danny. What kind of point is that? I had a plan. Cuff him. I had a plan and you ruined it. - l had a plan... - Yeah, I got a plan for you. Prison. - He was here before, in your office. - l know. Be right back. - The body count's four. - Could have been worse. It would have been a lot worse if you hadn't found him. - Thought you'd better have this. - David Marx? Did you see it? Why you were at that trial, whatever you were after, that's your business. Peter. Thank you. I'll see you. No secrets. I got drawn into these trials because I wanted to find out something. A few weeks ago, when Helen was abducted, something happened that made me wonder if Jordan has this thing that I have. You don't want her to see the things you've seen. We don't want her to live in a world where those things exist, but she does. If Jordan has any part of my gift, then we'll be there, to guide her. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. - Yes. - Come and see what Benny can do. - l taught him myself. - You did? OK, Benny, sit. Good boy. Good boy. Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Webster. US english ( disco music playing ) # We're going to make it, oh # # You'll know it was right # # And that we need tonight, we have to want to # # Fall, yeah, yeah, yeah # # Tell me now # # Won't you tell me now? # # This will be the way # # Tell me now # # Tell me now # # Will we fade away? # # Tell me now # # Won't you tell me now? # # This will be the way... # ( switch clicks ) Don't stop. That was really great. Did you make that routine Up yourself? Nice meeting you, too. # Shift into Turbo! # # Go! # # Mighty engines roar # # Turbo charged for more # # Drive four on the floor # # Go! # # Power Rangers Turbo, go # # Power Rangers Turbo, go # # Power Rangers Turbo... # Hi, Jenny. ( sighing ) I, uh... I see you met Jenny. Well, I wouldn't call it a meeting. Who is she? My niece. My sister's been having problems with her and felt like she needed a firm hand for the summer. So she sent Jenny to stay with me until school starts. Is she always this... "Friendly"? I haven't seen her since she was little so I'm hoping that she just needs to adjust to living in a new place. I know what that's like. Oh, thanks. And... good luck. Thanks, Kat. Bye. ( soft piano music playing ) This is so scary. I hate auditions. Kat, come on. These girls don't stand a chance. You've been rehearsing for months! Yeah, but... so have they. Do you know what it would mean-- getting into the royal academy? Yeah. You've been talking about it nonstop. Yeah, I guess I have been sort of into it. Am I driving everyone crazy? Look, just forget about it. Just have a great audition, and all will be forgiven. ( piano playing classical music ) ( muttering ) ( music ends ) ( whispering ): Good job. You okay? Our final candidate for the afternoon is Miss Jenny Hunter. Jenny Hunter? ( door opens ) Here I am. Am I too late? Not if you begin within the next 30 seconds. That's Lieutenant Stone's niece. I'm sorry. I'm new in Angel Grove. I got lost. Miss Hunter, I've given you 30 seconds. You spent ten of them talking. I suggest you don't waste any more time. Right. Did you know she'd be here? Uh-uh. # Tell me now # # Won't you tell me now? # # If this will be the way # # Tell me now # # Tell me now # # Will we fade away? # # Tell me now # # Won't you tell me now? # # Will we fade away? # # Tell me now. # You were right-- she's amazing. You were right about the attitude, too. BOTH: Mm-hmm. The following dancers are asked to return at 5:00 for a final audition: Amy Kendall... ( screaming ) Juliet Hughes... Arianna Landau... Katherine Hillard... and finally... Miss Jenny Hunter. ( disbelieving murmurs ) Apple juice! My favorite! ( sophisticated accent): There's nothing like a day at the ballet... ( normal voice ): not! ( gagging ) Quit fooling around. Porto, get off your flabby keister. There's work to be done and I don't want a replay of last time. Well, of course you don't. Now, here's what I want you to do... Okay, four, carry the two... three plus three is six... and, oh, this is impossible. How did Ernie ever get these books to balance? BULK: Hey, skull, remember that accounting class we took? SKULL: The one we flunked three times in a row? That's not the point. I got an idea how we can prove who we really are and get turned back into ourselves again. Okay... Well, you're a step closer now, Kat. Will you relax a little? ( sighing ): I hope so. It's just... this is where it gets really ugly. The competition's just started... ( both gasping ) Thought I'd show you a few new steps! Thought I'd show you a few new steps! Ready for your lesson? Let's see how you do with this audition. ( laughing ) Keep them busy, guys. So far so good. Now, for the next phase. I love this gig. Elgar! What? ! Don't do that! Remember to zero the counter because when they start the music, the counter begins and when it reaches 100, the detonator will go off. Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. Now get your bubble out of here. ( laughing ) Now, let's see. First, we pull the old switcharoonie and then gently reset. ( laughing ) ( grunting ) BLUE SENTURION: May I have your attention, please? Halt. You are disturbing the peace. Shall we start again? Leave now or suffer the consequences. Thanks. Hey, where'd you learn to fight like that? I trained at the Intergalactic Police Academy. We owe you. Just doing my duty. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Hey, uh, Lieutenant Stone-- You... you okay, man? You guys won't believe this. The money from the entire week's receipts, it's gone. Someone stole it? I can't believe it. Right under my nose, and I used to be a cop. Maybe Emily put it someplace safe or something. No. She's back east visiting her grandmother. The only other person that knows where the keys are... Jenny, did you happen to, uh, borrow some money from the safe? What are you talking about? STONE: There's money missing, and you're... You think I stole it? You're the only one who knows where the keys are. That's crazy. I didn't take any money. You know, you're just like my mom. TOMMY: How'd it go, Kat? I made it to the final audition. - Excellent. - Cool. Yeah, but, um, afterward we did a little dancing with some Piranahtrons. Yeah. Good thing the Blue Senturion showed up. I wonder what Divatox wants with a ballet audition. I'll give you three guesses. And two of them don't count. A detonator. Exactly. We'd better check it out. Where's Justin? He's at the Power Chamber. We'd better get the Turbo Navigators and check out this rehearsal hall. Of course they're going to look for the detonator. I mean, why wouldn't they? They wouldn't be Power Rangers if they didn't want to ruin all my plans. ( doorbell ringing ) Huh? What is that? Elgar, are you expecting anyone? Not me. What about you, Porto? Oh, really. My friends would never appear unannounced. Let's check this out. Who in the seven seas are you? Allow me to introduce myself. Wolfgang Amadeus Griller-- conductor, musician and monster extraordinaire. No doubt, you've heard of me. Yeah. Aren't you the one with the music video where the worms crawl out of that guy's skull? Hardly, my dear fellow. I've conducted symphonies all over the world. My music can make virtually anything come to life. Perhaps you have a need for my services. Yeah, whatever you say, Elvis. Can't you read the sign? "no solicitors." Wait. Did you say that your music can make anything come to life? Precisely. Hmm... Mm-hmm. Here we go. I may have a job for you after all. ( laughing ) There you are, Rangers. Hey, Alpha. I've got the Turbo Navigators charged, you guys. You ready? Good. ( beeping ) ( humming bouncy tune ) Yes, arise, my automotive ensemble. Since when did you start watching music videos, Alpha? Hey, that's no video. That's Downtown Angel Grove. Yes, my greatest symphony ever will soon fill the skies. A symphony of horsepower that will bring the Turbo Rangers to their knees. Ha! Ha! Arise, all vehicles. Spin to my fiendish duel. Spread your chaos everywhere. From the readings I'm getting empty cars are coming to life all over town. Looks like we just became Angel Grove's highway patrol. It's time to pull him over. Shift into Turbo! Whoa! Look out, guys! Incoming! Get back! Whoa! That's right, my auto orchestra. Crush them, flatten them lay rubber on their pointed turbo heads. They're too heavy. There's too many of them! ( piano playing classical music ) Since you enjoyed that so much here's a little feature from our horn section. I can't take that. Don't worry, Adam, you won't have to. Turbo RAM, rev it up. Yeah, now we've got him. Curses. New instruments. All right, Griller, song's over. That's what you think. Ya! Ready? Let's do it. All right! Good job, guys. Let's finish him off. My symphony is ruined. Turbo RAM Cannon mode. Brace yourself. We're fully charged. Prepare to fire. You cannot destroy me. ALL: Turbo Cannon fire. That musty maestro needs help. Time to fire the torpedoes. ( chuckling ) Fire the torpedoes. Where are the torpedoes? ! We thought we'd get them nice and shiny for you. Elgar. Me? It was all his idea in the first place. D-ohh! Get down there and help the Griller. Now! Okay. We heard there was a party going on around here. Tommy, are you all right? Griller's got reinforcements. Glad you could make it Though I had things well in hand. Hey, we heard your symphony flopped. Yeah, new tune. Let's rock 'n' roll. - What's up? - ( all yelling ) Now you meddlers will pay for destroying my symphonic masterpiece. Halt! Your attention, please. Who are you? Blue Senturion... perfect timing, pal. Playing loud music without a permit is a violation of code 41028. I don't need no stinking permits. And we don't like the way you conduct yourself. This perpetrator is hostile. He must be forcibly restrained. All right, then Let's restrain him. Synergizer Blaster mode. Turbo Auto Blaster. Fire! Oh, not again. Divatox is going to have my job. ( moaning ) Oh, my aching egghead. I'm out of here. Good Work, Blue Senturion. - Thanks. - Yes. Our mission has been accomplished. Well, until next time. Good work, guys. We've got to get to the rehearsal hall. There's a detonator there. - All right, let's go. - Right. ( pop-dance music playing ) TOMMY: It's in here, guys. Man! Search the room quickly. Excuse me. It's got to be here. It's this tape player. I think it's about to blow. Get it out of here fast. Hurry, Kat. Wow. That was too close for comfort, but we did it. Go get them, kat. Is everything okay? I haven't the slightest idea. However, Miss Hillard you are our last dancer for the afternoon. Are you ready? Yeah. Ladies, you are both here because we feel you are the most promising of all the dancers that we have seen. Miss Hunter, you could become a great artist. Thank you. However, your attitude is completely unacceptable. It would appear you have no control over your emotions at all And that makes you in our opinion untrainable at this point in time. I'm sorry. You're welcome to try out again next year. Now, Katherine... I'm pleased to tell you that you're invited to join us for the fall semester. Congratulations. Thank you. ( sighs ) Can I sit? Is this where we have our cozy heart-to-heart talk and hug and become best friends and everything's great? Look, Jenny, I didn't even know if I'd want to be your friend. You're mean, you're rude and you alienate yourself from everybody. Do you know what it's like to have your mother send you away because she doesn't want you? Or to have your uncle blame you for stealing? Or have the only thing you care about ruined right when you have a chance to get ahead? Maybe not, but I know that you need all the friends you can get right now. Look, my advice to you is, don't blow it. My friends and I are going to be at the Juice Bar later. You're welcome to join us if you want. Congratulations, Kat. Thank you. You get to go to London and study now. Yeah, I know. It is pretty amazing. But there's just one thing. Kat, you can't give up this opportunity. You gave up singing to stay a Ranger, Tanya. TANYA: That's different. I can go back to that anytime. I can't believe you forgot to add in the inventory from last month. How many times do I have to tell you? How can I add it in if I don't even know what it is? Uh-huh. So it was you two all along? I guess I have an apology to make. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Forget about it. I'd probably blame me, too. It won't happen again. I promise. BOTH: We're not cold. We're not cold. Ladies, you are both here because we feel you are the most promising of all the dancers that we have seen. What was that all about? Think she stole it? I think so. Yeah, totally. Tastes just like chicken. Mmm. Rygog! No! Elgar! I'm Elgar! Captioned by Grant Brown - Hold your end up higher. You're not holding it. - I am too. - You are not. - Don't worry about me. Mm. - Hey, isn't that suit charcoal? - No. Looks charcoal gray to me. Some gray polyester blend. You'd think you could find a black suit for your own father's funeral. - It's black. - No. I'm sure it's gray. - It's black. Black. - Gray. Gray! - Black! - Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen. - It doesn't matter what color it is! - Oww! I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry! [Thunks, Splashes] - Quick! Get him out of there! - He's halfway to the harbor by now, bub. Ah, well. [Man] "I leave you not just a model factory... "but something infinitely more valuable. The future of string... itself." [Explosion, Shouting] "And thus it is my dying wish... that my two sons run Smuntz String together." Great. Let's stick a "For Sale" sign on the lawn and see what we can get. Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it together. Either way, this godforsaken museum piece is not worth a dime, now is it, Lars? Some things are more important than money, Ernie. Notice it's always the financially challenged who say that? Uh, please, please. "I also bequeath to you my personal effects, "including my ceramic egg, "half box of Cuban cigars, Oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes. - My-my collection of spoons." - [Clattering] [Ernie] My goodness, what a treasure. What a legacy. Spoons! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time. Oh! And, of course, something no household should be without. The ceramic egg! Ooh-hoo-hoo. Can I have the egg? Can I? Huh? Huh? No. - I want you to have it. - Fine, I'll take it! If you find any real estate on that desk, let me know. It seems there is also a house. - [Together] A house? - Yes, "5120 Nortondale." [Chuckles] Your father acquired it many years ago as payment of a debt. He-He never lived there, but i-i-it's interesting. It seems the previous owner was found locked in a trunk in the attic. Wait a minute. Is it worth anything? Well, he was able to borrow $50,000 against it to pay his workers. Really? So, what is its value today? $50,000. Great. A worthless house and a broken-down string factory. Oh, well. At least the day wasn't a total loss. Thanks for the stogies, Pop. Wait. You can't go. Ernie, we-we have to go through all these papers. You'll have to excuse me. - I've got a date with the mayor. - Thunderclap] [Reporters Chattering] Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, over here! Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, do you think your recent triple heart bypass will affect your campaign strategy? Now, Leslie, I'm just here to eat. Ah, monsieur le maire, Madame maire, welcome to Chez Ernie. [French Accent] Ah, what an honor it is to have you in my humble bistro. Suivez-moi. Oh, you brought the little ones. The little bicycle thieves. Bonjour! Our very best table. - Have you lost a little weight? - Oh, I... I think so! I think you may be buff! - [Laughs] - Je suisse enchante pour votre beaute. - You know what I mean? - Oh, monsieur Ernie... [Chuckles] Excusez-moi. Au revoir, les enfants! [Sighs] The air's not so thin at the top. Just like the old man to die before I hit it big. Remember, everyone. Attention to detail is vital! Presentation is everything. No, no, no, no, no! These I must deliver myself. [Roars] Duck a l'Orange avec du quack sauce... And for ze Mayor, la specialite de la maison, Lobster Loaf a la Ernst ou la bibliotheque. - Oh... - Bon appetit. [Exhales] - Ah, bonjour! - Chef Ernie, how does it feel to be serving... the mayor on the eve of his campaign reelection? - Well, Leslie... May I call you Leslie? - Of course. Crunchy! Hmm. I love the almonds. Leslie, cuisine, she is a fickle mistress... Ee-yew! Look! [Squishing] - A cockroach! - [Shocked Whispering] That's only half a cockroach. Daddy! You ate the head! Honey, are you okay? [Screaming] [Mayor's Wife] Not again! [Reporters] Was this an accident, or did you murder... Clear! - I can do that better! - [Crying, Blubbering] [Man] Smuntz String is a relic of history. You don't make string by twining two strands together anymore. No. You make it simple, singular, strong, with nylon. Bu-But that's not string. Tha-That's cord. - Exactly. - Twine is yesterday. - Single-strand cord is today. - Zeppco International... has been interested in your factory for years, but your father refused to sell. We are hopin' you would be a little smarter. Zeppco is willin' to buy you out... and bring this museum into the 21st century. 'Course, we would keep you on as a string consultant, with a huge salary and a hefty pension. So... what do you say? [Sighs] - My sons... - [Whispers] Ernie. - Ernie! - Yeah. Just a sec. I want you... to have... something. My most prized possession. [Sighs] Oh, it's a piece of st-string. Not just any string. The string. I found it my first day in America. - What's with the string? - It's been in my pocket for 60 years. Here! I want you two to share it. Maybe it'll bring you closer together. - You haven't talked much lately. - Yeah. [Grunts] - Ah! What are you doing? - I'm breaking it in half. - No! I want you to share it. - No? - Forever. - Sure, Pop, sure. Here, uh, you carry it the first 50 years, I'll take it the next. - Sure. - And, uh, turn up the morphine drip a little. I heard that. Promise me... that you will never sell... Smuntz String... to one of those big conglomerates. Keep it between you. Brothers. Family. - Promise. - I promise, Pop. - [Lars's Voice] I promise. - So, you were sayin'? I'll have to pass. What? "A world without string is chaos." For once the Smuntz name was worth something! - No, no! Don't! - Oh! You... You used to love string! That was before, when I was dating... the son of a wealthy string magnate! Not now, when I am married to the half-owner... of a worthless deathtrap! I thought you'd be happy! I stood up for myself today! April, I've got new ideas for the factory. You know, I've got big plans! Don't you see, Lars? That's all you've ever had are plans. But my life is passing me by, and I... I need more! There's no air in the middle class, Lars. I can't breathe here. - Please, April, don't go. - [Sighs] I'm not going anywhere. In a few brief moments, the joy of the holidays was shattered... and the world changed for many people. Mayor McKrinkle died this afternoon at 4:30 p.m., at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital. Doctors here say the official cause of death is... heart failure due to the mayor's recent culinary disaster. And once the hottest restaurant on the wharf, Chez Ernie... has been condemned and scheduled for demolition. I-I don't think I ordered my cheese sandwich with capers. - We go live to Leslie Reinhart for an update. - I'm sorry. If there is a villain in this tragedy, it is Ernie Smuntz. - Once the whiz kid of the local restaurant scene... - Ernie, you're on TV again! What? Oh. You know what this is? I'll tell ya. - Guilt by accusation. - No capers. No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough? Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back? Hi, Ernie! - Lars? - [Sighs] [Ernie] When I'm in the kitchen, I cook. I can't control every single thing that goes on in there. [Lars] You know, it really isn't fair for everybody to blame you. - You didn't do anything wrong. - Yes, but society always needs someone to persecute. A scapegoat, someone to demonize. The same thing happened to Galileo. Really? That's unbelievable. With a cockroach and everything? No. The point is, I put everything I had into that restaurant. It was my livelihood and my home. In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me. If only we could sell the factory. Uh... I'd let you stay with me, you know, but, uh, April threw me out. - Oh, that's too bad. - Yeah, well, don't worry about me, though, Ernie. Th-This is temporary. April's been like this since high school. - She'll be back. L... - Would you look at them? Sleeping in the street. Pitiful. If I had a house, I'd sleep in it! - Ernie, do you remember how close we were as kids? - No. Hey! Merry Christmas! Yeah, I was on top once too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby, down! - Oh, ho! - [Coins Clattering] Ernie. Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there. - (music) Christmas Eve will find me (music) - A quarter? You think so small, Lars. Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, you have no wife, you have no money. You have no discernible talents. How can you ignore that? - (music) I'll be home for Christmas (music) - Ernie, it's Christmas. Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we should be thankful for what we do have. (music) If only in my dreams (music)(music) [Woman] That was very good. [Ernie] What a dump. [Creaking] Wow! I can't believe Pops never told us about this house. It's huge. [Ernie] This is just the kind of house I'd expect him to have. It's just like him. Cold and spooky. [Rustling] - Wow! Did you feel that? - What? I got a chill. You shouldn't talk about Pop like that. Really? What's this do for you? Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon! He didn't mean it, Pop. Ernie! Ernie! Only one bed. I'll flip you for it. Heads. [Ringing] - [Scratching] - E-Ernie? - Ernie. Ernie. - [Groaning] - You asleep? - I was. - [Scratching Continues] - How can you sleep through that? - What? I don't hear anything. - Shh-shh-shh-shh. That. Listen. Hear it? It's coming from upstairs. [Scratching Continues] [Creaking] Mothballs. [Screaming] He-Hey, stop it! Hey! Ow! [Grunting] [Whispering] Ernie! Ernie! [Groaning] [Exhales] [Rattling] [Grunts] - [Thunderclap] - [Screaming] Wait. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop! Look. Look, look, look. It's only a toy. [Panting] [Screaming] Ah, shut up! [Scratching] It's coming from up there! - One, two, three! - [Grunting] Ooh! [Panting] - It's just a mouse. - What? It's just a mouse. Never mind. - [Grunting, Groaning] - Hey, there are some posters up here. Oh! Stand still! - [Smashing] - Ah! [Screaming] [Spitting] - They're blueprints. - Wow! Wait a minute. Look at this date. 1876. A centennial house could actually be worth something. Look, this must be the architect. Here, look. "Charles Lyle LaRue." Charles Lyle Larue. Charles Lyle LaRue? [Thumps] Charles Lyle LaRue. Charles Lyle LaRue! Charles Lyle LaRue! I'm actually standing in the missing LaRue! - It's bold yet subtle. - Classical yet nontraditional. The missing LaRue. The rumored design completed shortly before his committal is a rumor no more. Before his committal? [Chuckles] Well, I'm just glad he finished the place... before they carted him off to the laughing academy. [Guffaws] So, what do you think a magnificent edifice like this is worth? Properly restored, of course. Well, his Parma Charnel House went for six... But that was ten years ago, and it didn't have this exquisite molding. I see. I can't get enough of good molding. - Did you hear that? $600,000. - [Exhales] Ernie. Alexander Falko! Back! Gentlemen, congratulations. Congratulations on your find. I'm a great admirer of LaRue. - Glass of rainwater, please. - Yes, Mr. Falko is the world's leading collector of LaRues. - Ah. - Sort of like collecting stamps, but they're bigger, right? I'll get to the point. LaRue. I have his books. I have his letters. You see these shoes? - [Together] LaRues? - No, but I'm sure he would have loved them. Vegetarian snack. I own... [Chewing] Forty-two LaRue houses. Forty-two. I want to make it 43. You tell me how I'm going to do this. Tell me how I will do this. You help me. How will I do this? Well, I'm, uh, glad you asked. His, uh, Parma Charnel House went for six, but that was ten years ago, and it didn't have this molding. A find like this in today's market is worth twice as much. - He's a LaRue connoisseur. - Guilty as charged. Gentlemen, I'm going to make you an offer. No, no, no, no, no, I couldn't possibly be so crass as to allow you to do that. But you are welcome to come to the auction. - Auction? - Auction? - Auction, yes. It would be grossly unfair of us to deprive others of the chance to bid on the missing LaRue. Um... May I have just one moment with my brother, please? - Sure. Of course. - Thank you. - Excuse me. - What is this? - It's the first... - What is this? No. No. - It's the first I've heard of... - What are you doing? - What am I doing? I'm answering your prayers. These pigeons are ripe for the plucking. Put them in a room together. Try and outbid each other? - We can make $700,000, $800,000 easy. - [Sighs] Oh, man, smart! - [Bangs] - Ooh! - You're going to get this one. You... - Don't talk to me! Shh! Um, um, so, when is the, uh, earliest we can set the auction? Well, I suppose all arrangements could be completed within the week. - A week it is. - Great! - You're smarter than you look. - [Together] Thank you. But know this. I have never paid more than $10 million for a house in my life! Okay, see you then. Yeah. Thanks for stopping by. (music)(music) ["We're in the Money"] Ten million linen napkins. Five million bales of top-grade cotton fiber. Forty thousand hot lamps complete with rotating plate-warming trays. Two thousand twine threaders, gleaming under real lights. - [Feet Pattering] - [Ernie] My own chain of five-star gourmet restaurants. [Lars, Echoing] April can have anything she's ever wanted! [Lars] Cars, coats, china. She loves china. [Fan Blades Whooshing] [Ernie] I'm gonna build an Olympic-sized swimming pool... and fill it with pina coladas and a college sorority. [Lars] If only Pop were here to see this house! He did. He just wasn't smart enough to sell it. Lars, we've turned a corner. Our future is staring us in the face. All we have to do is grab it, baste it, and scarf it down! Aha! We've finally found our friend's home! Well, I bought a little present for ya, buddy. Ernie, i-it's just a little mouse. Do we really have to kill it? Yes. Listen to me. A single vermin can bring you down. Believe me, I know. [Snapping] Ah! [Snoring] [Snoring] - [Snapping] - [Gasping] [Sighs] - I trust you slept well. - Oh! Like a baby. [Sniffs, Grunts] Hey, last night, did you happen to hear the, uh... - Oh, yeah. Let's see. - Yeah. - Well, where'd he go? - I don't know. Maybe it snapped by itself. I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us. I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit." The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off, and he ate it. It's that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that... Mouse! [Both Shrieking] Aha! Ow! [Screams] What are you doing, ya stupid nitwit? Don't! Give me that! Don't let him get away! [Panting] Yeah! [Laughs] Aah-ha-ha! Y-aah! [Bloodthirsty Screaming] [Grunts] Ow! Ow! Are you trying to kill me? - [Lars] Ah, the mouse! - [Ernie Grunting] [Ernie] Let me see. Let me see! Can you see him? Get me my Gouda. - Careful, careful! - Don't. Don't touch me. You'll snap it. - You're not doin' it right. - Please, let me concentrate, will you? - [Lars] Put it on carefully. - [Ernie] I'm putting it on carefully. I'm not... [Ernie] Oh, relax. It's cheese. Bon appetit. [Claps Hands] [Sighs] That takes care of that. Huh? [Hammering] - Oh! - Oh! Hey! Hey! What are you doin'? [Squeaking] [Chugging] [Squeaking] Lars! Gimme a hand with this. [Lars] Are you sure this tub fits in with the rest of the house? Jacuzzi tub, Lars. It's a Jacuzzi tub. And this isn't just a house. It's a LaRue. Of course it fits in with the decor. - Luxury is timeless. - How much, Ernie? [Sighs] It was a steal at $1,200. [Lars] Twelve hundred dollars? You spent our last money on a tub! [Ernie] A Jacuzzi tub! You have to spend money to make money. And they threw in the cardboard lady just to sweeten the deal. [Screaming] [Screaming] [Grunting, Yelling] [Yelling] [Grunts, Pants] - [Sighing] - Well... [Lars Sighing] Don't you think this is a little much? Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him. [Sighs] Not bad. Yes. Well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on. Let's hit the sack. [Grunts] [Rooster Crowing] [Crows Cawing] [Sighing] - Have you figured it out yet? - Shut up. I'm thinking. I'm thinking! Ernie. Ernie! Keep perfectly still. This is it. - What's he doing? - I dunno. That was good. Shh! He's goin' for the cherries! I thought you said mice like Gouda. Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out. They need fruit for energy. [Screaming] [Whimpering] [Whirring] [Sighing] - [Screaming] - [Ernie] Oh, no! Ow! Ow. [Grunts, Groans] - Aah... Ow! - D-D-D-D-D-D-D. There he goes! - Juice! - Got it! [Laughing Maniacally] This game is over! - Wa-hoo! - Oh... Aah! - [Vacuum Motor Sucking] - [Laughing] - I think it's working! - Yeah. - [Thump] - Whoa! Uh! I felt something. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Keep sucking! [Sloshing] - [Grunts] - Goddamn, that mouse stinks! - Yeah. Dead animals always do. - [Laughing] - Ohh! [Laughing] - [Maniacal Laughing] - [Lars] Keep sucking, Ernie! - [Rumbling] [Lars] Oh, yeah, this'll get him! [Groaning] [Squirting] - What's this? - We're foreclosing on your house. You've quit paying your mortgage. Oh, wait a minute. I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for. No, it was paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the $1,200 overdue, we repossess it. - Twelve hundred dollars? - Well, how long do we have? One week from, uh, five days ago. [Panting] But, uh, that's two days! We don't have the time or energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation. Looks like you're off to a great start. You could ask your boss at Rimpy's for an advance. - You can pay him back after the auction. - Couldn't you ask... your workers to forfeit their salaries for a few weeks? You are the boss. If you hadn't spent all our money on that tub, we might be able to pay the mortgage. - It doesn't help to start crying now. - [Shrieking] No, Fluffy! No! No! I want my kitty! No, no, no! [Ringing] - [Meowing] - That one's cute. - He doesn't have that killer instinct. - [Purring] [Meows] [Bell Ringing, Buzzing, Hissing] [Ringing] Morning, gentlemen. I'm Maury. Anything I can help you with? Uh, hi, Maury. W-We need a cat. - [Cats Yowling] - Find the one you want, and I'll spay or neuter it myself. Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat. One with experience. That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. - Experience with what? - Mouse hunting. - Oh, all cats are good mousers. - Yes, but you see, we have huge rats... the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of them. So, we really need a ferocious feline, preferably with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin'... one mean pussy. Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. Do you have any of those knocking around your cages? Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again. - Again? - Again? He's spent most of his whole life in that box, I expect. - [Growling] - "Catzilla"? The guys who clean up call him that. But, uh, you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy." [Snarling] Ah, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You wanna get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it. - [Yowling] - You're a stupid cat, aren't you? - [Growling] - [Chuckles] Yes, you are. And you're ugly. - Extremely ugly! - [Yowling] [Electricity Crackling] - Oh! Oh, you little bastard. - We'll take him. - [Grunting] - [Cat Screeching] Here, boy. [Growling] [Squeaking] [Yowling] Ooh... He's got the scent now. Yeah, uh, go get 'im, boy. Oh, easy, easy, easy, easy! - [Smashing] - Oh! Wow. I almost feel sorry for the little fella. [Together] Almost! [Laughing] [Growling] [Growling] [Roaring] [Meowing] [Notes Playing] [Cat Yowling] It's time to stop worrying about that mouse... and start thinking about how we're going to locate $1,200. Don't worry, Ernie. The workers will help us out. [Panting] You see, the truth is, we don't actually have any money. Aww! We may have to defer your next paycheck or-or two. - [Moaning, Shouting] - So my brother and I can pay the mortgage on the house. It's the missing LaRue! [Lars] I mean, there's no need for violence, you know. [Lars] Put that thing down. Whoa! [Banging] Ernie! [Panting] - What's the matter? - Well, the, uh, the workers. They didn't react as positively as I had hoped. [Shouting] No? Uh, what are you doing? - Uh, you could fit through this window, right? - What? Wh... I guess so. Come on. [Screaming] Aah! Oh, but, Lars, that was our last resort! Well, we're gonna have to find the money someplace else. Gosh, it's a shame nobody's interested in buying the factory. Yeah, yeah, it's a shame. But who'd be stupid enough to buy the factory, right? [Chuckling] Yeah. [Growling] [Yowling] [Yowling] [Growling] [Surprised Meowing] [Sad Meowing] Ah, you must be Caesar. Well, Mr. Caesar, uh, glad you could get here so quickly... Shh! [Tapping Echoes] [Sniffing] You have mice. He's good. [Whispering] 5120 Nortondale. January 4. 0800 hours. Don't forget to get toothpaste and Saran Wrap. We're in sort of a hurry. Uh, I just want to warn you about this mouse. [Shouting] Yeah. You got asbestos, all right. I'll bet it's up in the ceiling, mostly. Shouldn't take me more than a day or two to remove it. [Mouthing Words] [Shouting] Okay, then. Um, uh, so, we're gonna go upstairs. [Shouting] All right, well, we'll all go upstairs. - Yeah. - [Stomping] Okay, then. Yeah. What are you doing? - He's not listening anymore. - Oh. Good. Well, you're the expert. I just hope you can take care of this, whatever it takes. We've been trying to catch this little menace all week. Here's your problem. Normal people are not... psychologically equipped to catch mice. You have to get inside their mind. You have to know what they want... need. You have to think like a mouse. If you can do that... if you can think like a mouse... you can anticipate their moves. Then, boom! Sayonara, mouse. - [Sighs] - Well, got some great stuff... - Whoa! Never touch that! - [Screaming] Whoa! Ah! - All right! - What is it? - [Panting] The big one. - It's a flea bomb! Works on mice too. Yeah? Well, it better. Because we can't handle any more intrusions. Sure. That's how you perceive it. But to that mouse, you are the intruder. [Shouting] If we work fast, we can make enough string to meet our orders. That's the spirit. Just a few cases, so we can keep the LaRue. - Good luck. - Wait! Where are you going? - Aren't you gonna help? - I have to run a little errand. All you have to do is make $1,200 worth. How long can that take? Light a match. They're frightened by fire. [Shouting] [Grunting, Groaning] [Screams] Unsanitary creature. Defecating in the dining room. 0915. Evidence found. Mus communis. Ugh. Male. Ten to, uh, twelve centimeters long, with a... hmm... What's this? A slight calcium deficiency. That's interesting. Uh, hi. This is Ernest Smuntz of Smuntz String. Is this the business representative for Zeppco International? Vinny? Hi, Vinny. Oh, I'm glad I can call you Vinny. Uh, my brother and I have decided to reconsider your generous offer. I'd love to discuss selling our factory to you. Oh, no, not at the office. How about Ellman Square under the big clock at noon? [Horn Honking] - [Thud] - [Chiming] Uh, you, you must be Mrs. Lars Smuntz? - I'm afraid that status is in transition. - Oh, well, is Lars in? - I'd like to discuss preparations for the auction. - The auction? [Panting] Careful, Lars. You might catch a cold. April! You look like you could use some warming up. 1300 hours. I've activated the Squeak Seeker 2000. I'm about to join with the prey. I'm experiencing malfunction with the plasma screen. Stand by. Junk. Nothing works. Ah, nuts! [Yelling] [Continues Yelling] EKG, a C-spine, a chest X ray and pelvis. Now move! - Twelve hundred dollars. - Lie still, Mr. Smuntz. You've just been hit by a bus. I feel fine. What time is it? You may have had a concussion. We're gonna do a series of X rays. You don't understand, Doc. I have to get out of here. I might still have a chance. We saved your hat. - I'm sorry. Are you family? - Yes, we are sisters. Great. There's some paperwork I need for you to fill out. Is he an organ donor? Don't let them fill anything out. I don't even know them. Oh, I'm Hilde, and this is Ingrid. - We are hair models from Belgium. - Belgian hair models. How exotic. Listen to me, Doc. I need to find a phone before I miss out on the deal of my life. - I think your brother's a little delirious. - I am not their brother! - I don't have any sisters! - Ernie, are you okay? I came as soon as I heard. Why are you wearing a pink overcoat? Because April gave us the twelve hundred dollars! She gave you the money? You don't think she heard about the auction? No. I didn't even tell her about the auction until after she took me back. She just showed up at the factory, took off her coat and begged me to take her. [Sighs] We made love in a way I've only ever seen in nature films. Wow. I almost can't believe it. I'll be able to open up another restaurant, you're back with April, and you'll even be able to keep that worthless factory. You know it's funny that you call the factory worthless, because, well, there's something I probably should have mentioned before... Yeah? Well, I guess I have something to confess too. Hey, isn't that Caesar's truck? - Oh, my God! - Caesar! What happened? - Please, sir. He's not well. - Try to think. Did you kill the mouse? What's that? Horse? - Fiendish! I won't eat it. - No. [Clicking Teeth, Squeaking Like A Mouse] How'd you find him? Where was he? - 911 call. No voice. - [Caesar] Exterminate them! We could hear screaming in the background. He was locked in a trunk in the attic. We'll call you if we get any leads. [Rewinding] What's that? [Footsteps, Door Creaking] [Caesar on Tape Recorder] Put that down. What is that? [Yelling] [Muffled Groaning, Crashing Sound] That tickles! [Screaming, Glass Breaking] I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse. [Crashing] My kitchen! Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich. [Ernie] Pickles, arugula and capers. He toasted the side with the cheese... but not the other side, so the arugula doesn't wilt. How did he know that? - Hello. - Hello. Aha! - Do you see him? - Yeah, I see him. [Grunting] Lars, I'm stuck! Get me out of here! I can't breathe! - I-I'll get a flashlight. - Hurry! [Hissing] - Here, Ernie, I got it. - I can see that. Wh... Oh! Hang on, Ernie. The flashlight's broken. - Okay, Ernie. I got a light. - Great. [Sniffing] [Ernie] Lars, do you smell something? Smells like gas. [Lars Grunting, Groaning] [Both Whimpering, Muttering Angrily] What are you gonna do? I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all. - Come on, Ernie, no, no... - Stand back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission! Look, this is how accidents happen! Come on, Ernie. Put the gun down. Calm down. Come on. I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come! No, no! You're gonna blow a hole in the wall. - Come on! - It'll be worth it! Think of the auction! For God's sakes! - Think of the money, Ernie! - The money? They're gonna cut our price if there's bullet holes in the walls. - The money? - Yeah, the money, the moola. - [Ernie] There he goes. - Shoot! Shoot! Yes... You hit the piano! You hit the piano! - Look... - Shh! What are you, crazy? You're blowin' the whole house up! The only thing you haven't hit is the mouse! Why don't you give somebody else a chance with that gun? - You're doing a wonderful job. - [Rolling Sound] [Lars] Whoa! You got him! [Laughing] [Lars] G-G-Get him! - See you in hell, mouse! - [Laughing] Fire! God, I hate that mouse! [Phone Ringing] [Phone Ringing] [Ernie on Answering Machine] When you hear the beep, start talking. [Vinny on Machine] Mr. Smuntz, this is Vinny from Zeppco calling. We waited in the square for over an hour, but you never showed. We do not appreciate being treated this way, especially after your brother already turned down our generous offer. Consider our proposal withdrawn. - Betrayed by my own brother! - Betrayal? Don't talk to me about betrayal. You should have told me about that offer! - Half that factory is mine. - And half is mi... And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell. Yes, and would have, if it hadn't been for that stinkin' bus! Bus? You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything! Me? You... You blame me for this? Well, look! You blew a hole in the floor! Yeah, well, I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot! Shoot!" Y-Yeah, well, you've never listened to me before! - And you know why? - Why? Because I have no respect for you! Spending your whole life in that stupid factory! It's tragic. You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have ambitions of my own? - Come on. You loved string. - I didn't love string! You and Pop were always huddled together... running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did. I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday... - [Sighing] Oh, no! - Yes! You remember. I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect. Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with. He was crazy! But I still wanted his approval. I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out. There you go again! Blaming everything else but yourself. You think you're a success! Huh? Well, you... can't... cook! - I hate you! - And I hate you! - Not as much as I hate you! - Yeah? Yeah. Double. Double! Oh, give me something! I'm gonna brain you! Here it is! Oh, yeah, give it to me, then! Go ahead! [Ernie Laughing] You killed him! I-I didn't even know he was there! Just think of all the trouble we could have saved ourselves... if we just threw fruit at him in the first place! [Lars] Oh, look! H-He's still breathing! Well, kill him! Kill him! Find a blunt object! - There you go. Get the... - Let him have it. - L-l... - What the hell are you waiting for? - I can't just hit him with a shovel. - Why not? Well, look at him. He's pathetic. Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail. This is The Omen with whiskers. Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming. - W-Well, Ernie, he's a living thing. - Not for long. Gimme that! I can't! God! Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike. We better do something quick! I think he's coming to. [Scratching Sound] Ah, I forgot to put holes in the box. [Laughing Wickedly] Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard! - Come on. We got work to do. - Two days till payday, my friend. (music)(music) [Chamber Music Playing] Perfect. It's the architectural find of the decade. Oh, let's go... [Continues Indistinct] - Shall we? - Yes. - Well, it wasn't easy, but we finally made it. - Mm-hmm. Ernie, I want you to have something. [Exhales] Pop's lucky piece of string. - I'm glad you kept it. - He, uh, he wanted us to share it. I don't know why, but... I think if he were here right now, he'd be proud of you. I think he'd be proud of us. [Doorbell Ringing] Hello, ladies. How magnificent! Welcome! Lars, you remember Ingrid and Hilde. [Both] Hello. [Ernie] Ah, ladies, your hair looks positively biblical! [Together] Oh, thank you. Well, if you will excuse me, I have to check on my crepes. Keep the champagne coming, boys. The more they drink, the higher they bid. Hey, you boys put on quite a shindig here, huh? - Thank you so much, Mr. Falko. - [Moaning] You know, it would be very, very sad... if you boys put on this auction and nobody bid. That would put a real crimp in our evening, but... I don't think there's any danger of that happening. I don't know. There's a lot of Eurotrash out there scarfing' up the shrimps. I tell you what. You call off the auction... now... and I will write you a check... for ten millions. As insanely generous as that is, I have to decline, but I do appreciate your thoughtful concern. Enjoy the party. Are you interested in spooling? Oh, sure. My father... I mean, my brother and I own a string factory. - Really? - Mm-hmm. I would love to see your factory sometime. - Really? - [Doorbell Rings] Oh, hello, April. What a surprise. Just dropping by for no reason, I suppose? Does a wife need a reason? Oh, are you entertaining? - Don't you mean "ex-wife"? - Not quite yet. - Ah, hakuna matata. - This crepe... c'est magnifique. - The raisins are a nice touch. - They are good, aren't they? Raisins? Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. We are about to start the auction. Lars, I don't know whether to congratulate you or wish you luck. - Wish us luck! - Hello, April. - Oh, hello. - Nice to see you again. - I didn't know you knew our lawyer. - It's just an expression. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for joining us for this momentous occasion, the auction of our one item up for bid, the missing LaRue. Before we start, I would like to introduce you... to the very fortunate owner of this architectural wonder, Mr. Ernest Smuntz. Thank you, all, for coming. When my father left this extraordinary house to my brother Lars... and myself, uh, we... had no idea what surprises were in store for us or... what was going to happen next. [Clearing Throat] Uh, when Quincy Thorpe of the, uh... Historical Society told us of its value, you, uh... you could have knocked... us over with a feather. We... didn't know what... hit us! The renovation was exhausting but ultimately rewarding. - The house was in terrible disrepair, - [Indistinct Murmuring] But nothing that a few nails... [Banging, Pounding] And some old-fashioned elbow grease couldn't fix. I'm sure the people are eager to get to the bidding. - What? The bidding? - The bidding! - The bidding! - All right. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Smuntz. No matter what happens, keep going. Built in 1876, the last LaRue known in existence has five bedrooms... [Indistinct] - Did you see him? I thought so. - Yes! - He ate the string. - What? The string. Pop's lucky string! The son of a bitch ate it! - Why didn't you tell me you saw him? - I didn't, but I found this. - I told you you should have weighed him. - I'm sorry. - Did you see where it went? - No, but it can't have gone far. Well, shall we start the bidding at $1 million? Now, we all know we're here to bid on the missing LaRue. Shall we start the bidding at $500,000? Very good. I have $500,000 from the gentleman from Japan. - Now can I hear a million? Can I hear one million? - A million. - I'll give you one and a half. - I have $1.5 million. Will someone give me two? [Gasping] There he is! Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to remind you... that all the carpets and tapestries were woven by hand in the Honess Valley... - in Northern Turkey. - Oh! Now, can I have an advance on 1.5? May I have two? Can I have two, ladies and gentlemen? - Two million! - I have $2 million. I have $2 million, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have an advance? - Can I have an advance on $2 million? - Oh, you look so beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to draw your attention to the Lincrusia details... of the gold and silver-leafed copper and pewter... Ladies and gentlemen, can I have an advance? An advance on $2 million? May I hear $3 million? I have $3 million from the lady from New York City. - What are you doing? - Uh, uh, uh... nothing! Get your hand out of there immediately! Wait! Wait just a minute! - Wait! - Now may I hear four million dollars? - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - $4 million, ladies and gentlemen... [Man] Four million. - Ooh! Ooh! - $4 million from the gentleman from Japan. I got it! Uh, uh, the sheikh bids $5 million. Thank you, sir. I have $5 million. - [Hysterical Laughing] - $5 million. C-C-Can I have an advance on... on $5 million? Ladies and gentlemen, $5 million. Can I have an advance? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the missing LaRue. The bidding stands at $5 million, ladies and gentlemen. [Lars] I've got you now, my little friend! - Hold on tight. I'm gonna get it out! - Okay. Uh, $5 million for the missing LaRue. - Have you got it yet? - I'm not sure. Ladies and gentlemen, can I have an advance on five? Will someone give me $6 million? - Six million. - Thank you, sir. I have $6 million. Hilde, the spool is smoking! May I have an advance? An advance, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have an advance on six? Six million dollars? The bidding stands at six million dollars. - Seven million. - Seven million dollars. Thank you, sir. Any advance on seven? I have seven. Seven million dollars I have seven. [Spectators Screaming] Keep her away from the walls! - The house is priceless! - Keep goin'! C-C-Can I have 7.5? I have $8 million over there. $8 million going once, $8 million going twice... $8 million? $8 million? You should have taken the check! You shut up! You... - Ten millions! - Ten million dollars. Can I have 11? I have $11 million from the gentleman from Japan. - [All Shrieking] - Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. - $16 million from Ernie Smuntz. - No! - 17 million. - $17 million. Thank you, sir. I have $17 million. Any advance on seventeen? Good idea. When I tell you to, turn it on full blast. We'll flush him out. Now! - $18 million. - $18 million from the lady from New York City. - Thank you. - You don't have that kind of money. Ernie? Not now. - Twenty millions. - Twenty million. Thank you. Can I hear twenty-one? $21 million from the gentleman from Japan. - Any advance? - Twenty-two million. That's my last offer. Twenty-two million going once... - 25 millions. - 25 million dollars. Thank you, sir. 25 million dollars. 25 million dollars. The bidding stands at $25 million. Do I have an advance? $25 million going once, $25 million going twice... [All Screaming] Going... going... [Indistinct Grumbling] Hey! Don't go! The water was just a... a demonstration of... of how durable... a LaRue really is. How about that? Now you know this house will last forever. [Laughing] - Pop's lucky string. - I guess we got him. Yeah, I guess we did. [Snoring] [Machinery Starting] What was that? Lars! Look! It's string. It's cheese. The entire factory has been retrofitted... to facilitate the manufacturing of cheese-based products. - I see. - And over here we're developing our new lactose-free line. - What is that? - Oh, that's quality control. Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. Okay. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've also got a great idea for a caviar-brie swirl, and a peanut butter and jelly provolone for the kids. But what I really want to talk to you about is expansion and marketing. I think you should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson, and it seemed to work out well. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow today... {{{the end}}} - Hold your end up higher. - l am. - You are not. - Don't worry about me. Mm. - Hey, isn't that suit charcoal? - No. Looks charcoal gray to me. Some gray polyester blend. You'd think you could find a black suit for your father's funeral. - lt's black. - l'm sure it's gray. - lt's black. Black. - Gray. Gray! Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black l've ever seen. - lt doesn't matter what color it is! - Oww! I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry! - Quick! Get him out of there! - He's halfway to the harbor by now. Ah, well. (Man ) "l leave you not just a model factory-- "but something infinitely more valuable. "The future of string-- itself." (Explosion, shouting) "And thus it is my dying wish-- "that my two sons run Smuntz String together." Great. Stick a "For Sale" sign up and see what we can get. Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it. Either way, this godforsaken museum piece is not worth a dime, is it? Some things are more important than money, Ernie. The financially challenged always say that. Uh, please, please. "l also bequeath to you my personal effects, "including my ceramic egg, "half box of Cuban cigars--" Oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes. - "My-my collection of spoons." - (Clattering) (Ernie ) My goodness, what a treasure. What a legacy. Spoons! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time. Oh! And, of course, something no household should be without. The ceramic egg! Ooh-hoo-hoo. Can I have the egg? Can I? Huh? Huh? - No, I want you to have it. - Fine, I'll take it! If you find any real estate on that desk, let me know. It seems there is also a house. - (Together) A house? - Yes, "5 120 Nortondale." Your father acquired it many years ago as payment of a debt. He-he never lived there, but i-i-it's interesting. It seems the previous owner was found locked in a trunk in the attic. Wait a minute. ls it worth anything? Well, he was able to borrow $50,000 against it. Really? So, what is its value today? $50,000. Great. A worthless house and a broken-down string factory. Oh, well. At least the day wasn't a total loss. Thanks for the stogies, Pop. Wait. You can't go. Ernie, we-we have to go through all these papers. You'll have to excuse me. - l've got a date with the mayor. - (Thunderclap ) (Reporters chattering) Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, over here! Mr. Mayor! Will your recent triple heart bypass affect your campaign strategy? Now, Leslie, I'm just here to eat. (French accent) Ah, monsieur le maire, Madame maire, welcome to Chez Ernie. Ah, what an honor it is to have you in my humble bistro Suivez-moi. You brought the little ones. The little bicycle thieves. Bonjour! Our very best table. - Have you lost a little weight? - Oh, l- l think so! I think you may be! - (Laughs ) Je suisse enchante � pour votre beaute �. - You know what I mean? - Oh, monsieur Ernie-- (Chuckles ) Excusez-moi. Au revoir, les enfants! (Sighs ) The air's not so thin at the top. Just like the old man to die before I hit it big. Remember, everyone. Attention to detail is vital! Presentation is everything. No, no, no, no, no! These I must deliver myself. (Roars ) Duck a l'Orange avec du quack sauce-- And for ze Mayor, la specialite � de la maison, Lobster Loaf a la Ernest ou la bibliotheque. - Oh-- - Bon appetit. (Exhales ) - Ah, bonjour! - How does it feel-- to serve the mayor after his re-election? - Well- - May I call you Leslie? - Of course. Crunchy! Hmm. I love the almonds. Leslie, cuisine, she is a fickle mistress-- Ee-yew! Look! (Squishing) - A cockroach! - (Shocked whispering) That's only half a cockroach. Daddy! You ate the head! Honey, are you OK? (Screaming) (Mayor's wife ) Not again! (Reporters ) Was this an accident or murder-- Clear! - l can do that better! - (Crying) (Man ) Smuntz String is a relic of history. You don't make string by twining two strands together any more. No. You make it simple, singular, strong, with nylon. Bu-but that's not string. Tha-that's cord. - Exactly. - Twine is yesterday. Cord is today. Zeppco was interested in your factory but your father refused to sell. We are hoping' you're smarter. Zeppco is willin' to buy you out-- and bring this museum into the 21st century. We'd keep you on as a consultant, with a huge salary and pension. So-- What do you say? (Sighs ) - My sons-- - (Whispers ) Ernie. - Ernie! - Yeah. Just a sec. I want you-- to have-- something. My most prized possession. (Sighs ) Oh, it's a piece of st-string. Not just any string. THE string. I found it my first day in America. - What's with the string? - l've had it 60 years. Here! I want you two to share it. Maybe it'll bring you closer together. - You haven't talked much lately. - Yeah. - Ah! What are you doing? - l'm breaking it in half. - No! I want you to share it. - No? - Forever. - Sure, Pop, sure. You carry it the first 50 years, I'll take the next. And turn up the morphine drip. (Father) I heard that. Promise me-- that you will never sell-- Smuntz String-- to one of those big conglomerates. Keep it between you. Brothers. Family. - Promise. - l promise, Pop. - (Lars ) I promise. - So, you were sayin'? I'll have to pass. What? "A world without string is chaos." For once the Smuntz name was worth something! - No, no! Don't! - Oh! You--you used to love string! That was before, when I was dating the son of a wealthy string magnate! Not now, when I am married to the owner-- of a worthless deathtrap! I thought you'd be happy! I stood up for myself today! April, I've got new ideas. You know, I've got big plans! Don't you see, Lars? That's all you've ever had are plans. But my life is passing me by, and l--l need more! There's no air in the middle class, Lars. I can't breathe here. Please, April, don't go. I'm not going anywhere. (TV) 'The joy of the holidays was shattered-- 'and the world changed for many people. 'Mayor McKrinkle died this afternoon at 4:30 p.m., 'Doctors here say the official cause of death 'is heart failure due to the mayor's recent culinary disaster. 'And once Chez Ernie has been scheduled for demolition.' Excuse me, l-l don't think I ordered my cheese sandwich with capers. - 'We go live to Leslie Reinhart.' - l'm sorry. 'lf there is a villain it is Ernie Smuntz. Local whiz kid--' You're on TV again! What? Oh. You know what this is? I'll tell ya. - Guilt by accusation. - No capers. But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough? Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back? Hi, Ernie! - Lars? - (Sighs ) (Ernie ) I'm in the kitchen, I cook. I can't control every single thing in there. (Lars ) You know, it isn't fair to blame you. - You didn't do anything wrong. - But society likes to persecute. A scapegoat, someone to demonize. The same thing happened to Galileo. Really? That's unbelievable. With a cockroach and everything? No. The point is, I put everything into that restaurant. It was my livelihood and my home. In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me. If only we could sell the factory. I'd let you stay with me, you know, but, uh, April threw me out. - Oh, that's too bad. - Yeah, well, don't worry about me. April's been like this since high school. - She'll be back. l-- - Would you look at them? Sleeping in the street. Pitiful. If I had a house, I'd sleep in it! - Remember how close we were as kids? - No. Hey! Merry Christmas! Yeah, I was on top once too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby, down! Oh! Ernie. Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there. A quarter? You think so small, Lars. Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, no wife, no money. You have no discernible talents. How can you ignore that? Ernie, it's Christmas. Instead of dwelling on what we lack, be thankful for what we have. # lf only in my dreams # (Ernie ) What a dump. Wow! I can't believe Pops never told us about this house. It's huge. (Ernie ) This is just the kind of house he'd have. It's just like him. Cold and spooky. - Wow! Did you feel that? - What? I got a chill. You shouldn't talk about Pop like that. Really? What's this do for you? Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon! He didn't mean it, Pop. Ernie! Ernie! Only one bed. I'll flip you for it. Heads. - (Scratching) - E-Ernie? - Ernie. Ernie. - (Groans ) - You asleep? - l was. - (Scratching) - How can you sleep through that? - What? I don't hear anything. - Shh-shh-shh. That. Listen. Hear it? It's coming from upstairs. (Scratching continues ) (Creaking) Mothballs. (Screaming) He-Hey, stop it! Hey! Ow! (Whispering) Ernie! Ernie! (Groans ) (Rattling) (Grunts ) - (Thunderclap ) - (Screaming) Wait. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop! Look. Look, look, look. It's only a toy. (Screaming) Ah, shut up! (Scratching) lt's coming from up there! One, two, three! Ooh! - lt's just a mouse. - What? - lt's just a mouse. Never mind. - (Grunting) Hey, there are some posters up here. Oh! Stand still! (Yells) (Spits ) Wait a minute. Look at this date. 1876. A centennial house could be worth something. Look, this must be the architect. Here, look. "Charles Lyle LaRue." - Charles Lyle LaRue. - Charles Lyle LaRue? (Thud) Charles Lyle LaRue. Charles Lyle LaRue! Charles Lyle LaRue! I'm actually standing in the missing LaRue! - lt's bold yet subtle. - Classical yet non-traditional. The missing LaRue. The rumored design completed before his committal is a rumor no more. Before his committal? I'm glad he finished it-- before they carted him off to the laughing academy. So, what do you think a magnificent edifice like this is worth? Properly restored, of course. Well, his Parma Charnel House went for six-- But that was ten years ago, and it didn't have this molding. I can't get enough of good molding. - Did you hear that? $600,000. - Phew. Alexander Falko! Back! Gentlemen, congratulations. Congratulations on your find. I'm a great admirer of LaRue. - Glass of rainwater, please. - The leading collector of larues. Like collecting stamps, but they're bigger? I'll get to the point. LaRue. I have his books and his letters. You see these shoes? - (Together) larues? - No, but he'd love them. Vegetarian snack. I own-- (Chewing) 42 LaRue houses. 42. I want to make it 43. You tell me how I'm going to do this. Tell me how I will do this. Help me. How will I do this? Well, I'm, uh, glad you asked. His, uh, Parma Charnel House went for six but didn't have this molding. A find like this today is worth twice as much. - He's a LaRue connoisseur. - Guilty as charged. Gentlemen, I'm going to make you an offer. No, no, no, I couldn't be so crass as to allow you to do that. But you are welcome to come to the auction. - Auction? - Auction, yes. It would be unfair of us to deprive others of the chance to bid. Um-- May I have just one moment with my brother, please? - Sure. Of course. - Thank you. - What is this? - lt's the-- - What is this? No. - lt's the first I've heard-- - What are you doing? - Answering your prayers. These pigeons are ripe for plucking. Put them in a room to outbid each other? - Well make $700,000, $800,000 easy. - Man, you're smart! Oof! - You'll get this-- - Don't talk to me! So, when is the, uh, earliest we can set the auction? I suppose all arrangements could be completed within the week. - A week it is. - Great! - You're smarter than you look. - (Together) Thank you. But know this. I have never paid more than $ 10 million for a house in my life! OK, see you, then. Yeah. Thanks for stopping by. # We're in the Money Ten million linen napkins. Five million bales of top-grade cotton fiber. Forty thousand hot lamps complete with rotating plate-warming trays. Two thousand twine threaders, gleaming under real lights. (Ernie ) My own chain of restaurants. (Lars, echoing) April can have anything she's ever wanted! (Faintly) Cars, coats, china. She loves china. (Fan blades whooshing) (Ernie ) I'm gonna build a swimming pool-- full of pina coladas and a college girls. (Lars ) lf only Pop could see this house! He did. He just wasn't smart enough to sell it. We've turned a corner. Our future is staring us in the face. All we have to do is grab it, baste it and scarf it down! Aha! We've finally found our friend's home! Well, I bought a little present for ya, buddy. Ernie, i-it's just a little mouse. Do we really have to kill it? Yes. Listen to me. A single vermin can bring you down. Believe me, I know. (Snap ) Ah-- (Snoring) (Snoring) - (Snap ) - (Gasp ) (Sighs ) - l trust you slept well. - Oh! Like a baby. Hey, last night, did you happen to hear the, uh-- - Oh, yeah. Let's see. - Yeah. - Well, where'd he go? - Maybe it snapped by itself. I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us. You're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket, sipping cognac, giggling "l left the pit." The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off, and he ate it. But now he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. We won't be seeing any more of that- - Mouse! (Both shrieking) - Aha! Ow! - (Screams ) What are you doing, ya stupid nitwit? Don't let him get away! (Laughs ) Aah-ha-ha! Yaah! (Bloodthirsty screaming) Ow! Ow! Are you trying to kill me? (Lars ) The mouse! (Ernie ) Let me see. Let me see! Can you see him? Get me my Gouda. - Careful, careful! - Don't touch me. You'll snap it. You're not doin' it right. (Lars ) Put it on carefully. (Ernie ) I am. (Ernie ) Oh, relax. lt's cheese. Bon appetit. That takes care of that. Huh? (Hammering) Oh! Oh! (Groaning) Hey! Hey! What are you doin'? (Chugging) (Squeaking) Lars! Gimme a hand with this. (Lars ) Are you sure this tub fits the house? Jacuzzi tub, Lars. It's a Jacuzzi tub. And this isn't just a house. It's a LaRue. Of course it fits the decor. - Luxury is timeless. - How much, Ernie? (Sighs ) lt was a steal at $ 1200. (Lars ) $ 1200? You spent our last money on a tub! (Ernie ) A Jacuzzi tub! You have to spend money to make money. They threw in the cardboard lady too. (Screaming) (Screaming) (Yelling) (Screaming) - (Sighing) - Well-- (Lars ) Don't you think this is a little-- much? Say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. And the law of averages says one has to nab him. (Sighs ) Not bad. Yes. Well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack. (Sighing) - Have you figured it out yet? - Shut up. I'm thinking. I'm thinking! Ernie. Ernie! Keep perfectly still. This is it. - What's he doing? - l don't know. That was good. Shh! He's goin' for the cherries! You said mice like Gouda. Not in the morning! They need fruit for energy. (Screaming) (Whimpering) - (Screaming) - (Ernie ) Oh, no! Ow! Ow. (Grunting and groaning) - Aah- - Ow! - D-D-D-D-D-D-D. There he goes! - Juice! - Got it! (Laughing maniacally) This game is over! (Both yelling) (Laughing) - l think it's working! - Yeah. - (Thump ) - Whoa! Uh! I felt something. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Keep sucking! (Slurping) Goddamn, that mouse stinks! (Cackles ) Dead animals always do. - Ohh! - (Both laughing maniacally) - Keep sucking, Ernie! - (Rumbling) (Lars ) Oh, yeah, this'll get him! (Liquid rumbling) (Squelch) - What's this? - We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage. Oh, wait a minute, there's some mistake, this house is paid for. It was, but you borrowed against it. If you dont pay the $ 1200 overdue, we repossess it. - $ 1200? - Well, how long do we have? One week from, uh-- five days ago. But, uh, that's two days! We don't have the time or energy for this. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation. Looks like you're off to a great start. (Lars ) Ask your boss for an advance. Pay him after. (Ernie ) Couldn't your workers forfeit their salaries? If you hadn't spent our money on that tub, we might be able to pay. - lt doesn't help to start crying. - (Shrieking) No, Fluffy! No! No! I want my kitty! No, no, no! (Rings bell) - (Meowing) - That one's cute. - He doesn't have a killer instinct. - (Purring) (Meows ) (Bell ringing, buzzing, hissing) (Ringing bell) Morning, gentlemen. I'm Maury. Anything I can help you with? Uh, hi, Maury. W-We need a cat. (Maury ) Find the one you want and I'll spay or neuter it myself. (Lars ) Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat. One with experience. Most people like cute little ones. Experience with what? - Mouse hunting. - All cats are good mousers. But we have huge rats the size of sumo wrestlers. So, we need a ferocious feline with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin'-- one mean pussy. Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. Do you have any of those knocking around? Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again. (Both) Again? He's spent most of his whole life in that box, I expect. - (Growling) - "Catzilla"? The guys who clean up call him that. But, uh, you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy." (Snarling) Ah, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You wanna get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it. - (Yowling) - You're a stupid cat, aren't you? - (Growling) - Yes, you are. And ugly. Extremely-- (Yowling) (Electricity crackling) - Oh! Oh, you little bastard. - We'll take him. - (Cat screeching) - Here, boy. (Growling) (Squeaking) (Yowling) Ooh- - He's got the scent now. Yeah, uh, go get 'im, boy. Oh, easy, easy, easy, easy! Wow. I almost feel sorry for the little fella. (Together) Almost! (Laughing) (Growling) (Growling) (Roaring) (Meowing) (Notes playing) (Cat yowling) (Ernie ) Don't worry about that mouse, start thinking about how to get $ 1200. (Lars ) Don't worry, the workers will help us. - we don't actually have any money. - (Muttering) We may have to defer your next paycheck or--or two. - (Angry muttering) - So we can pay the mortgage. It's the missing LaRue! (Lars ) There's no need for violence! (Lars ) Put that thing down. Whoa! (Banging) - Ernie! - What's the matter? Well, the, uh, workers-- didn't react very positively. (Angry shouting) No? Uh, what are you doing? - You could fit through here, right? - What? I guess so. Come on. (Screams ) (Yells) But, Lars, that was our last resort! We'll have to find the money someplace else. Gosh, it's a shame nobody's interested in buying the factory. Yeah, yeah, it's a shame. But who'd be stupid enough, right? (Chuckling) Yeah. (Growling) - (Snap ) - (Yowling) - (Snapping) - (Yowling) (Yowling) (Growling) (Surprised meow ) (Sad meow ) Ah, you must be- - Caesar. We're glad you could get here so quickly-- Shh! (Tapping echoes ) (Sniffing) You have mice. He's good. (Whispering) 5 120 Nortondale. January 4th, 0800 hours. Don't forget to get toothpaste and Saran Wrap. We're in sort of a hurry. I wanted to warn you about this mouse. Yeah! You got asbestos, all right! I'll bet it's up in the ceiling, mostly! Shouldn't take me more than a day or two to remove it. (Silence ) OK, then. Um, uh, so, we're gonna go upstairs! All right, well, we'll all go upstairs! Yeah. OK, then. Yeah. What are you doing? - He's not listening any more. - Oh. Good. Well, you're the expert. I hope you can take care of this, whatever it takes. We've been trying to catch this menace all week. Here's your problem. Normal people are not-- psychologically equipped to catch mice. You have to get inside their mind. You have to know what they want-- need. You have to think like a mouse. If you can do that-- if you can think like a mouse-- you can anticipate their moves. Then, boom! Sayonara, mouse. Well, you got some great stuff-- Whoa! Never touch that! (Screaming) - All right! - What is it? The big one. It's a flea bomb! Works on mice too. It better. Because we can't handle any more intrusions. Sure. That's how you perceive it. But to that mouse, you are the intruder. (Shouting) We can make enough string to meet our orders. Just so we can keep the LaRue. - Good luck. - Wait! Where are you going? I have to run a little errand. All you have to do is make $ 1,200 worth. Light a match, they're frightened by fire! (Shouting) (Straining) (Screams ) Unsanitary creature. Defecating-- in the dining room. 09 15. Evidence found. Mus communis. Ugh. Male. Ten to, uh, twelve centimeters long, with a-- hmm-- What's this? A slight calcium deficiency. That's interesting. Hi. This is Ernest Smuntz of Smuntz String. is this Zeppco International? Vinny? Hi, Vinny. Oh, I'm glad I can call you Vinny. My brother and I have decided to reconsider your offer. I'd love to discuss selling our factory to you. Oh, no, not at the office. How about Ellman Square under the big clock at noon? (Horn honking) (Brakes screeching) (Chiming) (Knocks ) Uh, you, you must be Mrs. Lars Smuntz? I'm afraid that status is in transition. Oh, well, is Lars in? I'd like to discuss preparations for the auction. The auction? (Panting) Careful, Lars. You might catch a cold. April! You look like you could use some warming up. (Caesar) 1300 hours. I've activated the Squeak Seeker 2000. I'm about to join with the prey. I'm experiencing malfunction with the screen. Stand by. Junk. Nothing works. Ah, nuts! (Yelling) (Yelling) EKG, a C-spine, a chest x-ray and pelvis. Now move! $ 1200-- Mr Smuntz, you've been hit by a bus. I feel fine. What time is it? You may have had a concussion. Doc, I have to get out of here. I still have a chance. We saved your hat. - l'm sorry. Are you family? - Yes, we are sisters. There's some paperwork I need you to fill out. I don't even know them. Oh, I'm Hilde and this is Ingrid. - We are hair models from Belgium. - Belgian hair models. How exotic. Doc. I need to find a phone before I miss out on the deal of my life. I think your brother's delirious. - l don't have any sisters! - Are you OK? I came when I heard. Why are you wearing a pink overcoat? Because April gave us the $ 1200! She gave you the money? You think she heard about the auction? No. I didn't even tell her about the auction until after she took me back. She just showed up at the factory and begged me to take her. (Sighs ) We made love in a way I've only ever seen in nature films. I almost can't believe it. I'll be able to open another restaurant, you're back with April, and you'll even be able to keep that worthless factory. You know it's funny that you call the factory worthless, because there's something I should have mentioned before-- Yeah? Well, I guess I have something to confess too. Hey, isn't that Caesar's truck? - Oh, my God! - Caesar! What happened? - Please, sir. He's not well. - Did you kill the mouse? What's that? Horse? - Fiendish! I won't eat it. - No. (Clicking teeth, squeaking) How'd you find him? 9 11 call. No voice. We could hear screaming in the background. He was locked in a trunk in the attic. We'll call you if we get any leads. (Rewinding) What's that? (Footsteps, door creaking) (Caesar) 'Put that down. What is that? ' (Yelling) (Muffled groaning, crashing) 'That tickles! ' (Screaming, glass breaking) I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse. (Crash) My kitchen! Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich. (Ernie ) Pickles, arugula and capers. He toasted the side with the cheese-- but not the other side, so the arugula doesn't wilt. How did he know that? - Hello. - Hello. Ow! Ow! (Yells) Aha! - Do you see him? - Yeah, I see him. Lars, I'm stuck! Get me out of here! I can't breathe. - l-l'll get a flashlight. - Hurry! (Hissing) - Here, Ernie, I got it. - l can see that. Wh- - Oh! Hang on, Ernie. The flashlight's broken. - OK, Ernie. I got a light. - Great. (Sniffing) (Ernie ) Lars, do you smell something? Smells like gas. (Screaming) (Lars grunting, groaning) (Strangled groans ) (Whimpering) (Both whimpering and muttering) What are you gonna do? I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing. - Ernie, no, no-- - Stand back! I'm a man on a mission! This is how accidents happen! Put the gun down. Come on. Calm down. I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, I'll splatter his devious mouse brain from here to kingdom come! You'll blow a hole in the wall. - Come on! - lt'll be worth it! Think of the auction! For God's sakes! Think of the money! They'll cut our price if there's bullet holes. - The money? - Yeah, the money. - (Ernie ) There he goes. - Shoot! Shoot! Yes- - You hit the piano! You hit the piano! - Look-- - Shh! What are you, crazy? The only thing you haven't hit so far is the mouse! Give somebody else a chance with that gun! - You're doing a wonderful job. - (Rolling) (Lars ) Whoa! You got him! (Laughing) (Lars ) G-g-get him! - See you in hell, mouse! - (Laughing) Fire! God, I hate that mouse! (Phone ringing) (Ernie ) 'After the beep, start talking.' 'Mr. Smuntz, this is Vinny from Zeppco calling. 'We waited in the square for an hour but you never showed. 'We do not appreciate being treated this way, 'especially after your brother already turned down our offer. 'Consider our proposal withdrawn.' (Dialing tone ) - Betrayed by my own brother! - Betrayal? Don't talk to me about betrayal. You should have told me about that offer! - Half that factory is mine. - And half is mi-- And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell. And would have if not for that stinkin' bus! Bus? ! You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything! Me? You--you blame me for this? You blew a hole in the floor! I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot!" Well, you never listened to me before! - And you know why? - Why? Because I have no respect for you! Spending your whole life in that stupid factory! It's tragic. You think I didn't have other ambitions of my own? - Come on. You loved string. - l didn't love string! You and Pop were always running something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did. I made a special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday- (Sighing) Oh, no! - Yes! You remember. I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect. Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with. He was crazy! But I still wanted his approval. I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out. There you go again! Blaming everything else but yourself. You think you're a success! Huh? Well, you-- can't-- cook! - l hate you! - And I hate you! Not as much as I hate you! - Yeah? - Yeah. Double. Double! Oh, give me something! I'm gonna brain you! Here it is! Yeah, give it to me, then! Go ahead! (Ernie, laughing) You killed him! l-l didn't even know he was there! All the trouble we'd have saved if we'd just thrown fruit at him! (Lars ) Oh, look! H-he's still breathing! Well, kill him! Find a blunt object! There it is. Let him have it. - l-l-- - What are you waiting for? - l can't just hit him. - Why not? Well, look at him. He's pathetic. Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail. This is The Omen with whiskers. Nostradamus didn't see this. - W-Well, he's a living thing. - Not for long. Gimme that! I can't! (Sobs ) Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike. Do something quick! He's coming to. (Scratching sound) Ah, I forgot to put holes in the box. (Laughing wickedly) Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard! - Come on. We got work to do. - Two days till payday, my friend. (Chamber music playing) Perfect. it's the architectural find of the decade. Oh, let's go-- - Shall we? - Yes. - lt wasn't easy, but we made it. - Mm-hmm. Ernie, I want you to have something. (Exhales ) Pop's lucky piece of string. - l'm glad you kept it. - He, uh, he wanted us to share it. I don't know why, but-- l think if he were here right now he'd be proud of you. I think he'd be proud of us. (Doorbell ringing) Hello, ladies. How magnificent! Welcome! Lars, you remember Ingrid and Hilde. (Both) Hello. (Ernie ) Ladies, your hair is positively biblical! (Together) Oh, thank you. Well, if you will excuse me, I have to check on my crepes. Keep the champagne coming. The more they drink, the higher they bid. You boys put on quite a shindig here. - Thank you so much, Mr. Falko. - (Grunting) You know, it would be very, very sad-- if you boys put on this auction and nobody bid. That would put a real crimp in our evening, but-- there's no danger of that. I don't know. There's a lot of Eurotrash scarfing' up shrimps. I tell you what. You call off the auction-- now-- and I will write you a check-- for ten millions. As insanely generous as that is, I have to decline, but I do appreciate your thoughttul concern. Enjoy the party. Are you interested in spooling? Oh, sure. My father-- l mean, my brother and I own a string factory. - Really? - Mm-hmm. I would love to see your factory sometime. Really? Hello, April. What a surprise. Dropping by for no reason, I suppose? Does a wife need a reason? Oh, are you entertaining? - Don't you mean "ex-wife"? - Not quite yet. - Ah, hakuna matata. - This crepe-- c'est magnifique. - Raisins are a nice touch. - Good, aren't they? Raisins? (Screams ) Please take your seats. We are about to start the auction. I don't know whether to congratulate you or wish you luck. - Wish us luck! - Hello, April. - Oh, hello. - Nice to see you again. - l didn't know you knew our lawyer. - lt's just an expression. Thank you, for joining us for this momentous occasion the auction of our one item, the missing LaRue. (Applause ) Before we start, I would like to introduce the owner of this architectural wonder, Mr. Ernest Smuntz. (Applause ) Thank you, all, for coming. When my father left this extraordinary house to my brother-- and myself, uh, we-- had no idea what was in store for us or-- what was going to happen next. (Clears throat) Uh, when Quincy Thorpe of the, uh-- Historical Society told us of its value, you, uh-- you could have KNOCKED-- us over with a feather. We-- didn't know what- - hit US! The renovation was exhausting but ultimately rewarding. The house was in terrible disrepair-- (Murmuring) but nothing that a few NAlLS-- (Banging gavel) and old-fashioned elbow grease couldn't fix. - People are eager to get bidding. - What? The bidding? - The bidding! - All right. Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. Smuntz. - (Scattered applause ) No matter what happens, keep going. Built in 1876, the last LaRue in existence has five bedrooms-- - Did you see him? I thought so. - Yes! - He ate the string. - What? The string. Pop's lucky string! The son of a bitch ate it! - You didn't tell me you saw him. - l didn't, I found this. - You should have weighed him. - l'm sorry. - Did you see where it went? - lt can't have gone far. Well, shall we start the bidding at $ 1 million? Now, we all know we're here to bid on the missing LaRue. Shall we start the bidding at $500,000? $500,000 from the gentleman from Japan. - Now can I hear a million? - A million. - l'll give you one and a half. - l have $ 1.5 million. Two? (Gasping) There he is! Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to remind you-- that all the carpets and tapestries came from Northern Turkey. Oh! Now, can I have an advance on 1.5? May I have two? Can I have two, ladies and gentlemen? - Two million! - l have $2 million. I have $2 million, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have an advance? Can I have an advance on $2 million? I'd like to draw your attention to the Lincrusia details-- of the gold and silver-leafed copper and pewter-- Ladies and gentlemen, can I have an advance? An advance on $2 million? May I hear $3 million? I have three from the lady from New York City. - What are you doing? - Uh, uh, uh-- nothing! Get your hand out of there immediately! Wait! Wait just a minute! - Wait! - Now may I hear $4 million? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Man ) Four million. - Ooh! - $4 million from the gentleman. I got it! Uh, uh, the sheikh bids $5 million. Thank you, sir. I have $5 million. - (Laughing hysterically) - $5 million. Any advance on-- on $5 million? Ladies and gentlemen, $5 million. Can I have an advance? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the missing LaRue. The bidding stands at $5 million. (Lars ) I've got you now! - Hold on, I'm gonna get it out. - (Unzips ) Uh, $5 million for the missing LaRue. - Have you got it yet? - l'm not sure. Ladies and gentlemen, will someone give me $6 million? - Six million. - Thank you, sir. Hilde, the spool is smoking! May I have an advance? An advance, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have an advance on six? The bidding stands at $6 million. - Seven million. - $7 million. Thank you. - Any advance on seven? - (Laughing) $7 million, I have seven. (Screaming) Keep her away from the walls! The house is priceless! - Keep goin'! - C-c-can I have 7.5? I have $8 million. $8 million going once, $8 million going twice-- $8 million? You should have taken the check! You shut up! You-- - Ten millions! - $ 10 million. Can I have 11? $ 11 million from the gentleman from Japan. - (All shrieking) - 12. 13. 14. 15. Aha! - $ 16 million from Ernie Smuntz. - No! - 17 million. - $ 17 million. Thank you. Any advance on 17? Good idea. When I tell you to, turn it on full blast. We'll flush him out. Now! - $ 18 million. - $ 18 million from the lady. You don't have that kind of money. Ernie? Not now. - 20 millions. - 20 million. Can I hear 21? $21 million from the gentleman. - Any advance? - 22 million. That's my last offer. 22 million going once-- - 25 millions. - $25 million. Thank you, sir. $25 million. There was lots of snow. I can't... It was December. It was the weekend after Thanksgiving. I remember... a red stove. Yeah. That's right. There was a... there was a wood-burning stove right in the middle of the room. Cold. Yeah. So cold. I remember I had to wrap you in a blanket when the wood ran out. Yeah. No. Jack, don't close your eyes. Come on, keep talking. Jack, keep talking. Come on. Get down on the floor! Get over there! I'll execute all of you! No. No. (gunshot) Shut up and do it! (knocking) Just a second. Who is it? This is Brother Quinn. could I speak with you? This is Brother Quinn. could I speak with you? What do you want? Just a few minutes of your time. Beautiful day, isn't it? I wonder if I can interest you in the word of the Lord-- leather-bound in black or red. Go away. This is one-four. Target sighted. Well, I guess it's time to make that call. He's dead. It's all on you now. He's dead because of you. Well... guess it's over Whoever you are. Don't move. Jack! Shut up! I love you. Don't you know? You're why I came back. This is Westin. They battened down the hatches. There's no clear shot from this side. Ditto. Hold your positions. Keep radios at two. All right. How do we look? Backup's in but we still don't know what's going on in there. We will soon enough. I kept a bottle of medicine in the other room. I kept a bottle of medicine in the other room. I'll go get it. I'll get it for you. Look, look, look I love you. I love you, baby. No. Listen, listen, listen. We still have her. We can get away with this. I don't think so, baby. Not this time. Jack, put the gun down. You remember that... light that I talked about? No. It's beautiful. There's nothing to be afraid of. (gunshot) No! All right, FBI! Jack! FBI! Are you okay? Jack! Hi. I got this from the morgue along with the rest of his personal effects. I thought you might want it. "Happy 3 5th, love D." I got it for him three years ago. Next of kin? Uh... no. Jack was an only child. Both his parents died when he was in college. There's a kid over in Parklawn. Jack's been his Big Brother so I'm going to go and see him tomorrow. What am I going to tell him? The official story. Which is? Fugitive Lula Phillips died yesterday in a shoot-out with federal agents which resulted in the death of Special AgentJack Willis-- killed in the line of duty. (sighing) What am I supposed to tell myself? Good night. It's not working. It stopped. At 6:47. The exact time thatJack went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. What does that mean? It means... It means whatever you want it to mean. Good night. 1972, near Paris They burned the harvest... They killed all the animals The German army carried on retreating We didn't hear any more guns on the road to Budapest Everything was quiet for two days. Total silence And then we heard that the Russians were coming Everyone panicked, really panicked - Why did they panic? - Why? The Russian army was full of youngsters from the Caucasus and Mongolia They were savages. Real savages! I don't know how to explain it to you My father packed our most precious belongings in crates He wailed up some of them in the cellar and my uncles buried the rest in the woods Isn't that your father's car? Give it to me. Not like that It was there yesterday! So what? You'll twist the aerial! Pain in the ass.. Not bad We can get it better Shit... There Quiet! Brilliant She could at least speak to my father Shit, it's not that hard! Why bother? Your dad wants custody. The courts gave it him I won't go back to that moron! He can't make you. It's your choice, not your mother's He'll get me back if he wants How? Actually, he wants to put me in a home. The Beausoleil clinic - He thinks I need care like mom - You never said - I don't tell you everything - I do - Why are you smiling? - No reason - Next time, tell me why - Give me a break Last year, he tore down my posters So I slashed his tires with a screwdriver He chased after me in the street, dragged me back and started thrashing me so I bit his ankle until my mouth was full of blood Is that why he sent you to Beausoleil? I went there but they wouldn't let me see you Then you told me the same rubbish you told the others It scares me, Gilles, it really scares me I know I don't want to go back. Promise to help me Yeah. Don't say it like that, this is serious I know No, you don't know You're still a kid but that's okay Is that why you were smiling? It's true. I've got my books, my records, my papers and no experience - Can't your mother help? - Come on, she's useless The young guy she lives with works in a betting agency They really impress a court! And he's an Arab, and they're both Scientologists! No court's ever going to give her custody - What will you do? - Nothing The court judgment is final We'll see We'll see what? I can't tell you yet. It's a secret But I'll tell you I'll tell only you. I swear Let go, assholes! Jesus! Fucking grab her! "The heat in my blood incessantly filled my mind "with girls and women "Yet, not knowing the true reason, "I occupied them strangely in my mind "on my fantasies for I had no idea of anything else "These thoughts kept my senses in a troublesome state of activity, "from which, happily, "they never taught me to relieve myself" "But the time was past when childish games were natural "Shame, the companion of an evil conscience "had come with the years "It increased my shyness, making it invincible "And never, at that time or since, "have I made an indecent proposal "to any woman "who had not forced me to it by her advances, "even knowing her immodest "and likely to accept "My agitation became so strong that, unable to satisfy my desires, "I excited them by extravagant maneuvers" Extravagant.. maneuvers "I hunted out dark pathways, "lonely spots, "to expose myself to women from afar "in the condition I would have liked to be in their company "They didn't see the obscene object "I never thought of that "It was the ridiculous object" Mr. Guersaint Carry on reading You weren't following I'll help you then We're at "the ridiculous object" Start reading from "the ridiculous object" Page 121 What's this? Where's "The Confessions"? I left it at home Right, since you can't read for us, you can tell us what you've remembered What happens next? If you'd read it, you'd remember What's he talking about? What's this ridiculous object? It should interest you Is it his... Or his... What do you think, Gilles? I'm sick of wasting my time on shits like you. You piss me off! Go on, get out! Go on! Take your things, since literature interests you, and tell the supervisor I don't want you back Go on! Out! Asshole! Those assholes broke my bracelet and took my wallet! Your wallet's here Nothing missing? You can check later They had no right to keep me! Where did they keep you? In some shitty locker room What happened there? Is that all? They tried to intimidate me, no such luck You've done this before - Maybe - You know you have There's no proof! I never signed. Prove it! There's their word And their word says they saw you today stealing records in the store with your boyfriend Their word's worth fuck-all! Why? They're not sworn officers. That's why If they play it that way, I can tell a few things too Meaning? Nothing You're not at school This is a police station. Answer my questions Nothing. Ask them what happened in the locker room It was the tall guy with short hair We were alone together in there He tried to ask me a few dumb questions When he saw I wasn't answering, he started feeling under my skirt And then? He took off my panties and then... He put his finger in me. I was dry And you let him? I felt nothing. He doesn't exist Did it last long? No idea Then he made me kneel down and took out his cock Did he ask you to... He didn't ask He forced you? No, he just pissed on me Yeah, he pissed on me with his cock That's a serious allegation Dead serious Right... Christine Huart.. I've had your file here for three weeks now Know what's in it? A court order your father wants applied immediately In other words, they want me to send two officers to take you to him... of your own free will or not Nothing to say? Nothing When they divorced, did you want to live with your mother? No one asked me You prefer your father? I'd rather croak than stay with that worm! And now? Now I'm waiting to be old enough to take off Where to? I know where You won't say? Your mother won't answer my letters She's not stupid, she knows what you want It's too late now Maybe I could have helped but it's too late now Your father's here for you I didn't have time for Chapon's delivery It took me an hour! Right, you... take the van There's the roll of fencing... and the stakes. 250 of them Count them with the customer or he'll piss us off again You could have shaved! Right... You unload the van... No, you don't unload it... We gave him 10% off He didn't pay for labor It's from the site where my dad works One of his pals sorted it out Six, seven, eight... It's okay to handle it It only works with a detonator These are the detonators You stick the fuse in on this side The stick goes on the other side This is Bickford fuse 4 meters of it to cut up It's string and gun powder Remember, once you light it, you can't put it out Who said come in? Who said? Whose place is this? - Is Madeleine here? - Answer me! Whose place is this? Show me some fucking respect! See you, Mourad They took Christine from her! - Did you know? - No, I didn't The store guards got her I know that You don't give a fuck about her when you steal your goddamn LPs! It's fun, huh? Mom and dad can get you out of trouble or cough up if they have to like last time! You're drunk, I'm not listening! Give me the key and sleep it off! Give me the fucking key! I said I'd smash your face in if you started again! It's not a game for Christine. It's her life Okay, Mourad, cut it out Hands off, queer! Last time, they told you they'd get the cops! The cops called her dad and he's sending her to Beausoleil Oh fuck. What now? She'd left when Madeleine got to the police station so she went to the ironmongery The sales guy threw her out Were you there? No, she called from a phone-box She was crying, her dress was torn, and she wanted me to fetch her I've got to get to the betting agency, I'm already late as it is There, your room's ready Here Take this before bed. It will do you good It's not very strong You don't have to take it but I'll have to tell Dr. Varennes That's good If you need anything, my office is down the corridor Use the buzzer to call me. Okay? Good night Come and see Remember the "Death of the Virgin" from the Louvre? That character, at the Virgin's feet, remember him? Hands over his eyes and at his throat, his head lowered Few images of suffering move me more than this What about you? Does it move you like that or not? Once the painting was finished, they said Caravaggio had used a drowned prostitute as his model If you look closely, it seems plausible... It caused quite a scandal and Caravaggio's patrons refused it He wasn't able to defend himself as he had to flee Rome after killing a man in a duel Are you listening? Did you see that letter from school? No, I didn't Come on, I'm not stupid It was on the table I know you go through my papers Yeah, I saw it Okay And what do you think of the letter? What am I supposed to think? They can expel me next year I'll pass the exam anyway - What if you fail? - I won't What if you fail? I'll fucking pass! Don't shout at me, please I've had enough of these hassles You were disciplined twice last year, for heaven's sake! Mess about but don't let them catch you I'm sick of seeing the head and having to kow-tow to her Two years ago, we moved you to arts because maths was too hard Then a class without Latin because it was even easier So what is it you want? Tell me, what? Some private school full of idiots and daddy's boys? The same as your moronic cousin who's over twenty and still in high school? Give me a break with that cretin! I'm 16 and I haven't failed my exam yet, okay? If you don't want to answer or see them, don't. It's my problem! Change your tone. lf you don't mind, it's my problem too I do mind! That bitch has been after me all year! Poor little martyr Any graffiti, stealing or strikes and she sends for me straight away! It's not me every time! I'm sick of being a scapegoat! Now she's writing to you What have I done now? I've had enough! If she wrote to me, she had her reasons I'm telling you there's no reason. She's obsessed! She's just after me! When you get like that, no one can talk to you You won't even try to understand! Stop it, Gilles! Little jerk Can I talk to you now? It is my problem too I just spoke to your mother She had a copy of the letter What did she say? She wants you in a boarding school She spoke to the head who thinks it's a great idea A brilliant idea What can I say? Your grades are bad... you've got permanent discipline problems... at the slightest remark, you go crazy... This proves it I'm never home. I can't watch you all the time You've got to stand on your own two feet I know, I keep trying! You'd never guess. Some kids your age already have jobs You're lucky, you've never lacked money It's no fun at your age being left to your own devices But that's the way it is That's life and you have to act like an adult That's what you need to learn These days, I'm... I don't know what to tell your mother I can't make any commitments about your work or mental balance She said she'd handle everything She knows a very decent place in the south-west somewhere She said it's for your own good. And I didn't say no agreed Gilles! Come here... Come here... Look how it works - I'm doing my homework - Do it later Show me after. I can't concentrate You're just copying! Okay, but it has to be neat, pain in the ass I can't later Have you got that? Tell Maxime Can't you? He's coming tomorrow after his riding class - No, it pisses me off - Why? I'm not interested. It's kids' shit Give it to him. He doesn't owe me anything, okay? Put the light out Yes, yes... Give me the scissors now You'll do something dumb Give them to me It's not funny You're out of your mind - She's nuts! - Look what you did Get the scissors off that bitch! Come on, come on! Let go of me! Come on now! You'll break her arm! He's crazy! - Stop him! - Back off! I'll let her go It's okay It's over now I was scared you wouldn't come Thanks for worrying about me It's not that. I'm talking about Christine What about her? She's here - What's she doing here? - She ran away - How? - I don't know She must have said She wouldn't. She turned up at dinner, dead beat - Were your folks there? - Of course What did you tell them? A load of shit - Did they believe it? - Not a word - They'll call her dad! - No way Says who? I do. They're not sneaks Yeah, sure They spoke to her She went to my room. I made coffee and then brought her here - You should have let her sleep - At home? Of course I can't keep her You've got room What about my folks? Tell them her mom went away They'll buy that! Make something up No, you have her! I can't! Same here! You want her to go back to the home? No, to her mother's No, her father will go straight there She might know The cops will turn up and she'll panic Why the cops? He'll send them this time! We can't let her down You're crazy! You've seen her. She needs care She was okay all year Now look at her after a day in the clinic They only gave her valium. It's normal Electric shock treatment will be normal too! Come on, you're raving They use it at the clinic! My mom works there! You want to be rid of her Quitter! Where's Christine? I don't know. At the clinic They said she escaped He knows already - I know what? - Don't fuck with me! They thought she'd come home Luckily, she's a bit smarter than that Mourad remembered this party was on... We haven't seen her She must have taken a train to Paris A train! You think I'm an asshole? ! Out of the way! You and Mourad fought? It's okay, I understand No, he's a pain in the ass. He's losing his marbles While he was still on the football team, it was okay But since he started at the betting agency, it's hell What does Christine tell you? About what? I don't know... About me... her father.. She must say something She won't even speak to me She's unhappy but I don't know how to help - Does she want to live with her dad? - No way! What then? To be alone maybe Alone? She's only 16, I can't let her go off! I don't know! You asked me what she says. She wants to be alone But that's ridiculous, right? Maybe it's something she can't say otherwise Like? Like she needs attention I know her - She wants me to have a steady life - Maybe A steady job, without Mourad I don't think... Mothers and daughters are like that! She judges me! But I won't give up my life for her! She's like her father Always the center of attraction. Like at the store Self-centered. And fussy too! So I left. I won't let her pull the same act! I'll live the way I want. I'm a Scientologist, that's my business! Not here! We'll try your sister's and the station, then back here in case she turns up I didn't want to get uptight. I really care for her I don't want to lose her Swear you know nothing... that you haven't seen her... I swear - We've got to go - One question first What? Wait It's a secret No time for dumb secrets! It's not dumb. Promise? I promise Come on Remember Chloé? You know, in the 4th year I wasn't in your class I was always with her, a blonde girl Oh, yeah. She vanished ages ago No, she hasn't vanished Her dad's a painter They moved to an old farm in the Lozère region The farm's full of artists They did it up. It's great How do you know? Maybe it sucks She writes a lot. She's my best friend You want to go there? I've wanted to for a long time I never told anyone Except you I want you to come - When? - Right now I haven't got my things Neither have I Wait! What! You hesitated. You shouldn't have I'll go alone Just give me a second No, not one second. It's too late I'm coming We'll be all alone, you know? We won't have a family... money, or a home... You'll have me.. and I'll have you. That's all I know You're coming anyway? I thought they'd never go! Will they be back? No, they think you're in Paris, that you'll turn up tomorrow They can screw themselves! Here, it's Françoise's sweater. It's warm, you'll need it And my jacket... No, I'll be okay I want you to have it with you Here... It's not much but it can help you out a bit Here Has Chloé got a phone number? No, there's no phone No water or electricity either The address then? I thought you wrote a lot We've never written Gilles doesn't know. I don't want him to I don't want to go alone You do love him? Yes, I love him I love only him Stop looking at the map! I told you, it's on the Villefort road Call them. Maybe they could fetch us There's no phone, no water and no electricity How do they wash then? There's a well And after? You use a basin, you heat the water It's simple enough Have you ever done that? Got a light? Did Chloé tell you all that? We won't be there by dark It doesn't look so far on the map The road twists a lot. It's at least 20 km 20 km... That's nothing There's no cars on the roads And it'll be dark soon Subtitles: Ian Burley He is immortal. Born in the High Lands of Scotland 400 years ago. He is not alone. Exitem others like him. Some good. Some bad. For centuries he fought the forces of darkness. The sacred ground is their only refuge. He can not die, unless they cut his head and release its power. And in the end there can be only one. He is Duncan MacLeod, o Highlander. here we are born to be king we are the princes of the universe I am immortal runs in my veins the blood of kings I have no rival no man is like me take me to the future of your world PRETENÇA AUTHORITY - What are you doing? - I'm sorry. Please help me. What is wrong? He wants to kill me. Please help me. We have no time. Suba. We need help, Mac. It does not perish as well. Why not take her to a hospital? No, no hospital, no doctors. You heard, she did not want to go. - Settle on the couch. - All right. It'll be fine. All right? Sit down and be quiet. All right? Mac, she was running away from one of us. Take towels and a little water. Hi. Pull the body brings. Thus. Let me see that. It seems that all is well. The cuts are supeficiais. The pupils are normal. But it is too early to tell if there's something more serious. Hand me a towel. You want me to call a friend or relative? Presione it against his head. I'll get you something to drink, okay? Calm down. It'll be fine. From start. I was walking and she appeared in front of the bike. He said he had a guy chasing. I looked around and he was there. She climbed on the bike and I left. What was he like? A great guy with a scar on his face. Which gave him a horrible expression. You know, Mac? Your name is Mako. And yes, I know him. Pacific Northwest - 1882 Think about it, Duncan. Gold in Alaska. A journey of these you can buy California. Why are you so interssado that? I am interested in business. Everyday I see thousands of people going north. Nobody gets rich selling supplies only. Did not think you were an ambitious guy. A man has to think about the future. Future? Have you ever thought of a day at a time. You are a journalist and not know the great news of this city? Judith is pregnant. Tim, congratulations. Thank you. We need to celebrate. But she's waiting for me. She will wait a little longer. I have something in store for such an occasion. What do you have in mind? That is 60 years old. I never drank anything that had more than a week old. The next Ramsay clan member. And his father, a future man. Duncan, what is it? A shiver, must be the wind. Duncan, I just remembered. Judith asked me to take an order. Claro. Thank you for your hospitality, but I have to go. Tim, are you sure it's okay? Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine. See you later. Hello Sheriff. What can I do for you? I'm federal police. Seeking a man, maybe he's here. I think not, this is a very quiet town, delegate. Hardly anyone you seek is here. Let's see. Recognize this man? I'm not sure. Not sure recognize it or not sure if you tell me? People's representatives, anyone know this man? He was part of a gang that robbed a train and killed a man in West Fardon. Who know, is required by law to tell me where I find it. And be sure, anyway, I'll find it. If he is taken peacefully or not, will depend on it. If anyone has seen him, I want you to tell me. Maybe it's better talk in my office. Wait a minute. MacLeod. Mako. I'm not here for you, I came to realize my work. If that's what you say. Will stand in my way? I have reason to be? I want you to know that I intend to finish this work. I think we should do what we think is right. It is important that we understand. We understand each other. Duncan, found it to be the delegate. What he says is true? You killed a man? No. I never killed anyone in my life. I was 16. My brother was with the Daltons. That morning I took care of the horses, near the railway line. A encapussados ​​men assaulted the train and a member of the pack shot. I did not know what had happened when they came running behind me. I hid for a few days in the basement of my mother's house. One of the policemen told my mother that those responsible were me and my brother. If you did not kill anyone, for that will run? I think it does not matter to the delegate, now. He has held guilty. I have important friends in the capital and have the newspaper. I'll find a way to help you. Duncan, I have a wife and a son coming. They need me. The best thing is to stay as far away as possible from the delegate and only return when he is. Tim, that man is different. It will not go away and never give up. I can not give myself, okay? Goodbye, Duncan. Tim, hide in the hills, near Byon Falls. I'll take supplies as soon as possible. You are a good friend, Duncan. Thank you. I see you are sleepless, do you? Working on some great story? You know how journalists. Walk from time to time helps to keep fit. The physical form? Why worry about it? We have no problems with the physical form, MacLeod. Now you are a journalist? The last time that I saw you and Fitzcairn were learning to read. What do you want, Mako? I just came to arrest a man the offender. I prefer that justice is done. Justice is what lawyers say they did when judges decide in their favor. The law is what governs people's lives. Man can not live according to the law. Humanity can not live otherwise. I've seen what happens to men without the law for more than 600 years. Even before becoming immortal. I saw burning cities, I saw children being dismembered. The law is the only thing that differentiates man from animals. Without it we would be a bottomless pit. Yes, but the same humanity that created the laws left room for compassion. Not for me. MacLeod? I was told that you are a good friend of Tim Ramsay. Am. That's account of the law? If the protection is. The fact that Tim Ramsay be 10 years leading an honest life counts for nothing? For 10 years, the man's family he killed crying. Tim Ramsay never killed anyone. That's what he says, maybe the judge believe, depends on what lawyers do. Tell your friend that he surrender without resistance, will have a fair trial. If not, I sent my says dead or alive. Wait a moment. Are you telling me that this guy is a cop? Think about it, Richie. Why does not she want to go to a hospital? Or the police? I do not know. What do you know about her? Not so much. His name is Laura, she needed help, she found me. And I atrouxe here. Maybe you should find out what she's hiding. Richie? Sim? Laura, let me see. Perishes better. - Yes. - You'll be fine. Yes, I'm better. I am grateful to you. Any idea why that guy was chasing her? Nope. Are you sure? Yes, I said, I do not know who he is. So do not mind if I call the police? No, please. Maybe I know. See, where I come from, it is still important to be with the right people. I always dreamed of being part of high society. So I married Earl Morison. The son of the richest man in town. I felt like Cinderella. And? It had been less than two weeks. He started drinking and dating other women. When I said something, he beat me. After a while, he started to beat me without reason. This has become a habit. So I decided to run away. And he sent this guy running behind you? Why not demand the police, Laura? Because the father of Earl is the city half owner and told the judge that I stole some things. And now I'm wanted. Will do anything to get me back. Why not looking for a lawyer? You do not know Earl's father. Many townspeople menteriam for him. If I do not return to live with the Earl certainly will send me to prison. You will deliver me? Of course not. We will help you. Sure, Mac? Thanks for letting her stay, Mac. And she's not your type. Very funny. In the morning I'll see what's best to do. I think you should think better of it, Richie. What you mean? Mako is not the kind of guy who never mind. Yes, but we need help. Richie, I know nothing about it. Do not even know if she's telling the truth. What is it, Mac. You saw her, she looks like a criminal to you? I just think I should check this story. If you think you have to check, then check. She Mako or find ... Mako will not find me, Mac. He has no idea who I am. You scared me. He did not see me coming? I thought it was him. Could be. Why are you here? I had a nightmare. I wonder if you stay long in one place it will find me. Stay here only worsens the situation. If it were he could be dead. I thought, at this time, I would be safe here. It is not that simple. Mako does not sleep as the normal person. It seems that you know well. He never gives up on a hunt. Have to be careful, it will to the end. I'm sorry. I just wanted to cool his head slightly. And this seemed a good place. It is neither the time nor the place to do it. It must always be attentive to their movements. I think not thanked you for what you are doing for me. Thank Richie, not me. I think you do not trust me, do you? I do not know her. You do not believe me? No, I think you are scared. And I think you're running away from someone, but I'm not sure why. I know, but Richie believe me. Richie is attracted to you. Anything you say, for it is the truth. You told the truth, Laura? Look, I appreciate very much the doing, but I do not want to bring suffering to anyone. I do not want anyone to suffer. But think of Richie. Imagine what would happen if he found Mako ahead? But I never forced Richie to nothing. And not needed. When you are young, and is attracted to someone, it is reasoned with the heart, is not objective. I can not understand why so concerned with Richie. You look like the father. I'm not his father, Laura. But it is as if he were family. And the last thing I want is for the kill. Listen, rest assured, I do not want him to die. Even. I just want all this to end. Whatever Richie decide to do, is to decide alone. Promise you will not interfere? Sim. Now let's go. We need to get some sleep. SIM. Do not even try, kid. Now let's see if you're smart. What you want? Where is the girl? I do not know. Do not lie to me, boy. If you do not know, when people like us not enter into an agreement, one of the two loses his head. Therefore it is better for you to start telling the truth. I just know that she asked me to leave it in the bus station, is all I know. Look, why do not you leave her alone? What did she do wrong? I do not know and do not care, child, just know that I take it back. You may have a long life, if you do not put on my new path. Is watching the birds? It is far less dangerous than watch you. I need a favor, Dawson. What favor? A woman named Laura Daniels is on the run. It is sought for a crime he did not commit. The chain is full of people who say the same thing. I know, so I want to find out if she's telling the truth or not. But I do not know what side of the police. According to her, the man who accused may have bought the police. Is there anything else? Why think you have anything else? Could have hired a detective to it, did not ask me. Who is atraz it is an immortal named Mako. Mako? It really is in trouble. Mako was sheriff in England in the 1700s. I know, I met a few times. The last time we heard him, he was federal police in 1800 ... You can find out who he's working on now? We should limit ourselves to watch the birds, MacLeod. It would be safer for everyone. Hey, Richie, how are things? All quiet, folks. Mac, I need to talk to you. What is it? Mako. He was at my house. I do not think he liked me so fast. I told you he was good. What did you say to him? I told him that I left her at the bus station of the city and did not know where she was. I think he believed me. He should have followed him. Come. I tried to explain the situation, Mac, said she is innocent. He just does not care. To Mako only matters the law. If someone is innocent or guilty, it's just a detail. Maybe, but not for me. Richie, I think you should think about it. I have nothing to think, not leave that psychopath take it. He's not a psychopath. How do you know, Mac? How do you know that he is the same man as before? You know, I do not understand what happens here. You help people all the time. Richie, if you help her look for the police. The police? Mac, it will not be treated fairly, you know that. That's what she says. And I believe, Mac. She's scared. I asked for help and I want to help her. Richie, the only way to prevent Mako take it, is the killing. And you're not good enough. Are you leaving? Richie, you've done more than I should. I do not want to involve anyone else about it ? . Too late. Your friend paid me a visit this morning. Are you okay? I'm great. Taking my bruised ego, the rest is fine. No need to worry, I'll be fine. No, Laura. You do not know the risk they run. I appreciate your concern. But die better run, to go back to Earl's father. You do not know what he is capable of. It is the Earl or his father what you fear? Well, Earl. I already said. His father never touched me. Where you going with this? I thought she was afraid of her husband. But it rather refers to it. Mac, what difference does it make who she fears? See, I'm sorry to have them involved. You were wonderful to me, and I really appreciate your help. I will go with you. What? I'm already an adult, I can take care of myself. I can take care of myself. That's what he said. Who said that? What are you talking about? Tim Ramsay, he is with a gun or something. Wait a moment. Where is he? There on the street. They will make a duel, Mr. MacLeod. Stay here. Get it? Stay here. This is not necessary, boy. It is the only way for me. Mako! Move away, Duncan! Going to shoot me? I can not allow it to destroy my life. Judith needs me. Not if he's dead. When I kill him, you can not take me. You can not kill you, Tim. Listen to your friend, boy. It is better to surrender. Not a good day to die. Mako, do not do it. I'll take you. This is not your job, MacLeod. Get out of there. It comes with me. No! It was never between us, MacLeod. He did not need to kill him. I did not kill him. I fulfilled the law. You are making a mistake. It's up to me to decide. Do not do that. Let's go. What was? Use the stairs. Well well well. Who is here. It's good to see you, Mako. No longer in the newspaper industry? Why are you here? Looking for a girl. It does not suit your personality. I knew that if I followed the boy, he would take me to her. Where is she? I can not help you. You are here. Not this time, Mako. I will not let you do that. I think I've heard that before. Let them go, Mako, only two boys. I can not. - This Is Your Life Worth? - It's the law, and the law is my life. That's your idea of ​​justice? - Is everything okay? - Yes, all right. Richie, it's okay. He does not know where we are. If it finds us, we must be vigilant. You know much more about that man who told me, is not it? Mac the cenhece for many years. He does not consider a bad guy. - Sim? - Sim. What about you? What do you think, Richie? Do not worry about it. Try to sleep. We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Hey, come here. Why are you doing this? What do you mean? Well, we're here because you want to help me, and you do not know me. I know that. But you need help. And you decided to make my sparkling knight armor. Yes, of course. I love to play the hero. But I did nothing but run away. No one ever gave for me. If I had a little head, when I was younger. Certainly would dream of someone like you. Not with the Earl and all your money. I need to thank you. You do not have to do that. I know. Mako works for the justice of the state of Texas. He hunts the most popular. I've imagined. What are the chances he was working for someone else? What do you mean? I'm doing a private job. For some politician rich and important. No. What are the chances? He's a stickler for law and order. He just hunting fugitives to the state. Whether they are guilty or not. MacLeod, I know about your friend Tim Ramsay. Mako always done this work. And always did complying with the law. What about justice? This girl is wanted for murder. She killed her husband. The stabbed with a kitchen knife. Did not know? - Hey. - Hey. I'm back. Food. Yes. Chesburger and chips. Nothing too healthy. Sounds good to me. And I was on the bench. Here are six hundred US dollars. It will not take us very far, but ... I think it's good, Richie. Just until we lose him. Yes, I think you're right. What was? Yes, they are here. That there. It's him. Let's take the bike? No, we do not have time. The window. Yes, he's here. All right, all right. He will lend us the car. Mac? Mac, I need your car, now. Richie, wait. We need to talk. No. Mac, we have no time. We need help. Richie, she is not wanted for theft. She is wanted for murder. She killed her husband. That's true? Laura, please tell me. That's true? I killed him. One day Earl returned home drunk. I was in the kitchen. He began to scream and call me a slut. Ai started hitting me. The next thing I remember is that I got a knife. The next thing I remember ... you know. So it was in self-defense. It's not what the father of Earl think. But Laura, you were just protecting yourself, right? His father told me that if I went back, I would not live to the end of the process. Laura, Laura. Why do not you tell me this before? I wanted to tell, but I was afraid you did not help me. Now I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Richie. Laura? Richie, Richie, listen to me. I talked to a lawyer. We can get a habeas corpus, but she will face the jury. For that, Mac? Because those are the rules. Mac, no matter what the rules, she killed him. Who wants to know the rules? Sometimes that's all we have. I can not do that. Richie, what will happen to flee? Somewhere a policeman will recognize it. What will you do, kill him? Nope. - How long can live like this? - I do not know, Mac, I do not know. What I know is that I'll help you, Mac. Mac, she needs me. Richie, I saw his car! Mac, please. - Those funds. - Thank you. - Come on! - What was? Not start. I warned you, MacLeod. Where are they? What are they? Brought reinforcement? The girl is a killer and the boy disregarded the law. I will not let you meddle again. Why not use the phone and calls the police? They will not get far. No police, they are mine. I thought you respect the law? I am the law. No, you're not, Mako. I know that you are an authority. But you think you're above the law. But no one is above the law, not you. Richie, what are you doing? He is here. - Where? I do not see. - I'm sure. - Let's go. - Nope. Richie, it will catch on. If not here, will in the coming hours. But we can not stay here. Laura, I do not want to run away. Laura! You are to blame for this. If he had delivered, would not end well. All right, boy. Come on over. You bastard. Excuse me. Richie, get out of there! No, Mac, he killed her. It was an accident, boy. I was just doing my job. Yes, that's what you did. Richie, you can not stop him. Let him go. Mac, this is something I have to do. Remember, MacLeod, what differentiates us from animals is the law. Mac? It's cold outside, it looks like it will snow. You must go. The time has come? I was wrong about the Mako? It's done. I did not think it would end like this. I just wanted to make friends, a job, a girl. Wanted to go back to that time. For some things we do not have choices. For other have. You'll learn. Yes Maybe. So, I guess I'll see you around. I'm sure of it. Thank you, Mac. For everything. Mac, do you think we will face in one day? Maybe. Love ls when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside to their soul, and you both know, instantly, I always imagined I would fall ln love, nursing a blind soldier, who was wounded ln battle, Or maybe while rescuing someone ln the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits, I thought, at least, by the age of 1 5, I would have a love life, But, I don't even have a "like" life, And, so then, what did he say? I think I'm coming down with something. Honey, you're just tired. That's what you're always saying. I mean, what if I'm not tired? What if this is what I really look like now? Then I want a divorce. Come on. What did the repair guy say? He said... I have not gained six pounds. Get off, get back on, sometimes it... - Seven pounds? - sticks. Excuse me, could I just have a little tiny space up here in the corner? He said that we need a new printer, he said... Do I seem bloated to you? Please, not this subject. Please, please. No, really, do I seem, how shall I phrase this, fat? Shut up. - What day is this? - Thursday. - No, I mean the date. - The 1 2th. Are you ever coming to bed? Fleld trips are so intense, lt's like everybody's been let out of their cages, or something, And we're all roaming around loose, J ust stay with the group, okay? The most important thing to remember is to stay with the group. The most important thing to remember is to stay with the group. What is the big deal with staying with the group? What if Amelia Earhart had stayed with the group? Or Diana Ross. - l have to show you something. - What's that? I wrote it last night. I couldn't sleep. It contains every feeling... I've ever wanted to express about Jordan Catalano. Dear Jordan, it's-- So, are you going to send it to him? No, are you crazy? It's private. I just... I'm proud of it. I don't know. I think I'm finally over him. So, what's in it? Everything. I admit how I was overpoweringly attracted to him... or whatever, but, you know, I point out that he could have... handled things differently, and he really did not know me at all. Even though he acted like he did, and... you know, yes... I was somewhat obsessed with him, at one time, but I'm not anymore. Because I've moved beyond that. - So, can I read it? - Yes. But wait... - don't show this to anyone. - l won't! God. Chase. She said to stay with the group. So, you want my number? So do you? I've been humming this tune all day. Like, you can't get it out of your mind, or something? If only there was a button somewhere that I could just push, to force me to stop talking, I could use a cup of coffee. - You drink coffee? - Yeah. - With cream or... - Black, with three or four sugars. Anyway... What is that song? is that a Crowded House song? No, just this song that I'm writing. I'm in this band now, Frozen Embryos. You know? With Tino? So you should hear us sometime, we're starting to sound okay. - Not really, but... - That's great. I would love to, I mean, I... Angela! Angela! Yes, well, anyway. - Angela, just listen. - You would not believe this. - You would not believe this. - Angela. Jordan Catalano was having a conversation with me, like, on purpose. - Like, a really nice conversation. - Don't hate me. What? - Do you know that letter thing? - Oh no. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. What did you do? Did you show it to him? No! God. - l lost it. - You what? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll find it for you, I swear. On the plus side, I met this really cute guard... not that that at all makes it worthwhile on any level. You lost my letter. Which means somebody could have found it. And Jordan Catalano was being nice to me. Like, out of nowhere. Oh, my God. So, Chase, you still have my Malcolm X, right? Yes, so? - So, I need it back. Okay? - Okay. Look, yesterday, on that field trip... this is going to sound a little weird, but... I almost forgot. Here. I found it at the museum. You wrote it, right? Yes, but when I wrote this, I wrote this about someone else. This guy, I had a boyfriend last summer, and, I... I wrote everything... I wanted to remember him, and I used your name because I wanted... I didn't want other people to know it was about him... because he died...he's dead. Look, I didn't read it, okay? So, you don't have to, like... What, you expect me to believe that? I don't care what you believe! You find a five page letter in a museum and it starts... " Dear Jordan," and you expect me to believe you didn't read it? Never mind. Look, I read parts of it, okay? What? You must really think I'm stupid. - lt just didn't hold my interest, okay? - Really? Why is that? I'm curious, I'd really like to know what it was... that made it so incredibly boring. J ust tell me, was it too emotional, too personal, too many big words? J ust shut up! Jeez. You couldn't read it. That's it, isn't it? I never told anyone before. Catalano. I just talked to Tino, man, he said he can get us that loft tonight. - Cool. - Yes, so rehearsal's on. Okay, well... - We should tell the other Embryos. - l guess so. - So, you have rehearsal tonight? - l guess so, yes. Maybe I could hear that song you wrote sometime. Sure. I mean, yes. We're rehearsing tonight at this loft that Tino found. So... So you mean I should go to the loft tonight? Well, you know, whatever. Catalano, let's go! Wait, say this again? Something has happened between Jordan Catalano and me... and I can't explain it, I seriously can't. Don't even ask me, but I understand him in this way... I didn't even know existed. And it has completely changed everything. Everything. - Well, how late? - Eight days. Eight fun- filled days. - You're eight days late? - Yes. - God, you're never late. - l know. Of course, this could just, you know, mean... well, I mean, it could be pre- menopause. What? Don't get all insulted. I said pre. Pre- menopause? is that like pre- death? Well, it just means that this stage of the game... that your periods get a little funky. - Funky. - Sporadic. Look, let's face it. Finally, someday, we are going to come to the end of our eggs. You know that this had never occurred to me. God, this is so depressing. A man loses a little hair, he buys a great sports car. I know. But, it's supposed to be very gradual. It's going to take, ten years or something. We end up looking like Germaine Greer on the back of that book. I plan on looking like Tina Turner, when I'm 50. Patty? We're 40! 40 is still considered young. Look, you're not going through menopause! So, what are you saying? That I could be pregnant? Are you kidding? At your age? Tell her the best part. He asked her to watch Frozen Embryos rehearse tonight. Which I've been wanting to do, so bad. So, wait, what was this thing that changed everything? It's not something I can talk about. All I can say is that it involves that letter. I knew it! He found the letter. It made him want you. Right? Am I right? Angelica, do you know what this means? Yes, I do. Yes. What does it mean? It means, this has happened. You're happening. You and Jordan Catalano. And who is the person, without whom none of this would be happening? Who is the genius who lost this stupid letter in the first place? Who should you be thanking for the rest of your life? Thank you. Don't mention it. I got to go. I got to beep George. George? That museum guard? So, congratulations. I haven't seen him since it happened. If I ran into him, I'd probably faint. You won't. He has Shop 5th period, Mondays and Wednesdays and he never cuts Shop. I just know, because I used to pass him on the way to Computer. Right. - When? - l don't know. The night we watched The N utty Professor on cable? - That was two months ago. - And I put the stupid thing in. - l mean the diaphragm. - Right. Look, it's not like there were that many times. How can you say that? There's been tons of times. What about the night that Danielle stayed over at Stacy's? How many of these have you eaten? Graham, what if it's a boy? Patty, it's not a boy, it's not anything... because it's not happening, you're not pregnant. You mean, you feel like it might be a boy? No. What am I saying? There's no way that I could be... Brian! Honey, look, it's Brian Krakow. It was open. See, I loaned Angela Malcolm X. I read it already. But, I have to re- read it. Angela's not here. She's at band practice tonight... I guess she's thinking of joining or something. You're in band, aren't you? I mean, at least you play the flute. - He plays the saxophone. H i. - H i. Actually I play both because they say that colleges really like it... if you play more than one instrument. You have to play them both at once or... Well, I'm not allowed in Angela's room without a visa. - l'll let her know that you came. - Right. Okay. So, what's this thing that Angela went to again? I don't know. But, there must be someone there she likes... because she changed clothes, like, eight different times. is the saxophone hard to play? I'm interested in the saxophone. Maybe you could show me how to play it sometime. - Sure, I guess so. - When? Maybe tomorrow night. So she changed clothes? Yes. So, did you mean it? About the lessons? Will Angela be there? I mean, because I need that book. J ust come over. I could find the book. - Let's go. They're totally ignoring us. - No, not yet. If only Tino would get here so they'd play something. Or I could at least drink more. I'm calling George again. H uge events take place on this Earth every day, Earthquakes, hurricanes, Even glaciers move, So, why couldn't he just look at me? Hey. Do you want to hear that song I was telling you about? I was going nowhere, going nowhere fast. Drowning in my memories, living in the past. Everything looked black until I found her. She's all I need, and that's what I said. I call her " Red". Oh, my God," Red", that's you! I call her " Red". Yes, yes, yes. She's my shelter from the storm, she's a place to rest my head. Late at night, she keeps me safe and warm. I call her " Red". Yes, yes, yes. I call her " Red". That's all I have so far. - Oh, my God, Rickie. - Angela... - So, you are going to stay, right? - l don't know. Well, stay. You should, I mean, that's the whole point, right? Stay, hear the rest of the rehearsal. We have to go. We should go. But, if you want to stay... - Do you want to stay? - l could. Then, stay. We're going. Bye. Bye! It's getting late, I got to go, Tlno's not coming, Let's go, I don't think Tino's coming. I'm going to get out of here. You want a ride somewhere? - Okay. - Okay. I was just thinking... - could you maybe have dyslexia? - What, that backwards thing? Lots of people have it, I mean, my father's brother has it. It makes reading incredibly difficult because your mind, like-- Let's not talk about this. Reverses things. I'm sorry. It's actually not. I mean, a lot of really intelligent people are dyslexic. - J ust because a person can't read-- - Hey, I can read, okay? J ust not... No, I know. J ust not that good. You know those guys... up in the mountains? What guys? Who make snow, like... - like, as their job? - Yes. I would really like to do that. You mean, part- time or... - Sorry. - For what? I interrupted you. Yes. Thanks. Okay. Yes. Angela, do you hear me? You're going to be late! Exactly when did I turn into Auntie Em? - How soon can you take the test? - Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will take it and hopefully we- - Yes, honey, what is it? Angela's in love. - She's drinking coffee. - And humming. I can go out on dates, right? Of course you can go out on dates. But we do have certain ground rules. - Like what? - Like what? Like, you have a curfew. And... we have to know where you're going, and whoever else is going to be there. And, we have to have an understanding about drinking... namely, that you're not going to be doing any. And if a boy that you're out with takes a drink, then you have to... swear on a stack of Bibles that you will not let him drive you home. And, of course, we have to meet him first, whoever he is. And that's it. You have to meet him first? Yes. Like a little milk in your coffee? No, I take it black, with three or four sugars. I see. Why do you have to meet him first? That's humiliating. I mean, this person means something to me. There is a person who means something to you? Yes, and I don't see why you can't just trust that. Why do I have to parade him around in front of you? Because we want to drag you down to our level. So, say it was somebody you knew. Then I wouldn't have to introduce him to you. Because you already know him. Right? Go to school. And you want to go through this with yet a third one? I'm not saying I want to, I'm just saying what if it's true? I don't know. Do you want it to be true? Do you? When he's 40, we'll be dead. - Rayanne Graff is staring at us. - So? She's so low. She's so disgusting. The other day, at the museum... I heard she had sex with one of the guards. - Get over it. - What? Face it. If a guy did that on a field trip... you and your friends would give him a medal. Hey, I'm just making conversation. Besides, I thought you hated her. I do. I mean, of course I do. But I just think there's... a lot of great reasons to hate her, without dragging in her sex life. It was amazing. I keep running it over and over in my mind, like it was a movie. That's just what I would do. I want to see him so much, but at the same time, it's like... I don't just want to see him, with no preparation. It's exactly how I would be. Look, he usually goes to P. E. on Thursdays... so, if you could be on the north side of the gym as fifth period lets out... - Rickie. - You don't have to say it. H i. H i. H i. H i. Hey. So, what's up? I can't get that song you wrote out of my mind. I'm still not done writing it, so... Well, there's this movie and it kind of reminds me of your song... or your song kind of reminds me of the movie but... hearing it kind of makes me want to go to the movie again. Yes, we could do that. Yes, but the thing is, this is going to sound so weird. My parents are kind of, like, from the Stone Age... but they have to meet you. Before. - Before what? - Before we could go to the movie. Yes, okay. Yes! I mean, you could just come by tonight, you know... anytime, and it'd be settled. And, we could just go to the movie anytime this weekend. Catalano. Let's go. So, would you want to do that? Like, tonight? Say around 7: 30? Yes, sure. Why not? - What was that about? - J ust shut up. I just wasn't expecting to have to meet this guy so soon. I wasn't expecting to have to meet any guy so soon. Yes, well. Neither was I. But I guess we are. I guess she's pretty serious about him. Listen, I think you'd better prepare yourself. I get the definite feeling that this kid is very good looking. So? What, do you think I can't handle that? - God, how did it come to this? - l don't know! - You and your ground rules! - What was I supposed to say? - We can't keep her locked in her room. - Why not? No, really. How did locking kids in their room get such a bad rap. I don't know. Look at me. I'm bloated, I'm very, very interested in chocolate... Okay. It's only Brian. Come on in. Angela! Brian's here. Danielle seemed interested, so I thought I'd show her how... the sax works, and then I remembered that I still need... - my Malcolm X, so... - Here's your book. - How come you look like that? - Like what? Brian, would you like something to drink? I definitely need a drink. - H i. - H i. You just look like you're going to a costume party as someone else. Where are we going to have the lesson? If you must know, Jordan Catalano is coming over. What? Yes, shut up! Why is that so amazing? I'm sorry if you disapprove. I don't disapprove. I'm just sickened. Please get out of here, would you? No! Anyway, he's here to see me. - So, what, you and Jordan a couple? - Yes, why is that so hard to accept? He's coming over, and we're probably going to go see... The Bicycle Thief this weekend together. What? You think Jordan Catalano will understand one word of Bicycle Thief? Shut up! - You only understand it because-- - That's such a lie! You're bringing Jordan Catalano to The Bicycle Thief? That idiot! Don't you dare call him that! You don't know, you don't understand. Not for one second. You think you understand, but you don't! You just analy ze everything until it barely even exists. It's Tino. He said we should meet him over on Clyburn. There's a party. Yes. Okay. Yes. Let's go! There's nothing to eat here anyways. Yo, Catalano, come on. No, there's this thing I said I would do. What thing? J ust this thing that I said I would do. Whatever. I kept it loose. it wasn't definite, it wasn't like a date. We know that. Actually, I'm pretty tired. I think I'd better go to bed. Thls life has been a test, lf lt had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go, and what to do, What? So have you and Kyle gone all the way yet? That is completely none of your business. Look, I know it's none of my business. I mean, we're totally not friends... due to the fact that neither of us can stand each other. That's why I asked you. Go ahead, ask me anything. Go ahead. lt's, like, relaxing. - You're so weird. - Squared. Okay, look. I made a solemn promise to myself... that I would not go all the way until I was ready. And I'm sticking to that. I was just vaguely curious. Because when I saw you making out with Kyle in the hall... I mean, you act like you're reaching ecstasy. Well, yes. I mean... I mean, when... You know how that is. Yes, in a way. I mean, it's fun and all, you know... I don't always feel anything. Sometimes I feel numb or something. Maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. I've tried every type of person. Look, no big deal, you don't have to look all worried or anything. God, Rayanne, I wish I could be like you. I mean, your relationships may be short, but at least they're real. At least, you're not making them all up. - You haven't even heard his side yet. - l don't want to hear his side. I never want to see him again, for the rest of my-- It was kind of like driving by a horrible car accident, You just had to look, She's a little upset. I guess, well, because, well, never mind. No, what? I guess she figures, you know, why didn't you call, or something? Yes, that makes sense. She just, she wanted me to meet her parents. I just... I wasn't in the mood, you know? It's like, she knows too much about me, or something? Not really, but she just makes too big a deal out of everything. I mean, she makes everything too complicated. Anyway. Well, it was partly that song that you wrote? She really liked it. And it was obvious what it was about, so... Yes. My car. Patty? So how's the test going? Did you flunk? But seriously, honey, do you know anything yet? I can't believe it. lt's a miracle. Sweetheart. Oh, God. I got my period. Okay. I just, for a second I thought... I feel such relief, such gratitude for my life, my freedom. I mean, the idea of actually starting over again right now... with another child when I'm just beginning to... I just don't want to go back there now. Oh Graham. Oh sweetheart. - You wanted a son. - Well, maybe just a little. It's not like I go around wanting one all the time. I guess, I just sort of fell in love with the idea of having a son. Honey, I'm sorry. - l thought you were past all that now. - l thought so, too. I come bearing ice cream. It's cookie dough. You can eat it right out of the carton. Mom, if you care about me at all, do not attempt to cheer me up... because it's not possible. You can leave the ice cream. You know, I wasn't going to try to cheer you up. I wouldn't presume to think that anything I could say... - would lift your spirits. - Good, because you can't. It's ironic, isn't it? Emotions? I mean, all this week, I was so afraid that I was pregnant. What? You're not, are you? No. I said... I thought incorrectly, as it turns out, that I might... accidentally have become pregnant. Mom? It's not that funny. I'm so pleased that I've been able to brighten your day. - H i. - H i. Angela is in there. Would you still like me to give you a saxophone lesson? No. Guess that answers your question. Why is Dad playing catch with Brian Krakow? I guess if you live with three women, it could make any man desperate. Hello. Here, why don't you play? Take over. What did your parents think about Jordan Catalano? Were they revolted? We are not talking about Jordan Catalano ever again. We're not? Okay, we're not. Why not? Because you are incapable of understanding. Yes, why? Because it's never happened to you. I mean, just wait until it happens to you, Brian. Seriously, I cannot wait until it happens to you... because I'm going to look at you and I am going to laugh. And I'll say,"See? See? I told you so." Love Is when you look Into someone's eyes, and suddenly... you go all the way Inside to their soul... and you both know, Instantly. I always Imagined I would fall In love, nursing a blind soldier... who was wounded In battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone In the middle of a blizzard... seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of 15, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life. And, so then, what did he say? I think I'm coming down with something. Honey, you're just tired. That's what you're always saying. I mean, what if I'm not tired? What if this is what I really look like now? Then I want a divorce. Come on. What did the repair guy say? He said... I have not gained six pounds. Get off, get back on, sometimes it... - Seven pounds? - Sticks. Excuse me, could I just have a little tiny space up here in the corner? He said that we need a new printer, he said... Do I seem bloated to you? Please, not this subject. Please, please. No, really, do I seem, how shall I phrase this, fat? Shut up. - What day is this? - Thursday. - No, I mean the date. - The 12th. Are you ever coming to bed? Fleld trips are so intense. It's like everybody's been let out of their cages, or something. And we're all roaming around loose. Just stay with the group, okay? The most important thing to remember is to stay with the group. The most important thing to remember is to stay with the group. What is the big deal with staying with the group? What if Amelia Earhart had stayed with the group? Or Diana Ross. - I have to show you something. - What's that? I wrote it last night. I couldn't sleep. It contains every feeling... I've ever wanted to express about Jordan Catalano. Dear Jordan, it's... So, are you going to send it to him? No, are you crazy? It's private. I just... I'm proud of it. I don't know. I think I'm finally over him. So, what's in it? Everything. I admit how I was overpoweringly attracted to him... or whatever, but, you know, I point out that he could have... handled things differently, and he really did not know me at all. Even though he acted like he did, and... you know, yes... I was somewhat obsessed with him, at one time, but I'm not anymore. Because I've moved beyond that. - So, can I read it? - Yes. But wait... - Don't show this to anyone. - I won't! God. Chase. She said to stay with the group. So, you want my number? So do you? I've been humming this tune all day. Like, you can't get it out of your mind, or something? If only there was a button somewhere that I could just push... to force me to stop talking. I could use a cup of coffee. - You drink coffee? - Yeah. - With cream or... - Black, with three or four sugars. Anyway... What is that song? Is that a Crowded House song? No, just this song that I'm writing. I'm in this band now, Frozen Embryos. You know? With Tino? So you should hear us sometime, we're starting to sound okay. - Not really, but... - That's great. I would love to, I mean, I... Angela! Angela! Yes, well, anyway. - Angela, just listen. - You would not believe this. - You would not believe this. - Angela. Jordan Catalano was having a conversation with me, like, on purpose. - Like, a really nice conversation. - Don't hate me. What? - Do you know that letter thing? - Oh no. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. What did you do? Did you show it to him? No! God. - I lost it. - You what? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll find it for you, I swear. On the plus side, I met this really cute guard... not that that at all makes it worthwhile on any level. You lost my letter. Which means somebody could have found it. And Jordan Catalano was being nice to me. Like, out of nowhere. Oh, my God. So, Chase, you still have my Malcolm X, right? Yes, so? - So, I need it back. Okay? - Okay. Look, yesterday, on that field trip... this is going to sound a little weird, but... I almost forgot. Here. I found it at the museum. You wrote it, right? Yes, but when I wrote this, I wrote this about someone else. This guy, I had a boyfriend last summer, and, I... I wrote everything... I wanted to remember him, and I used your name because I wanted... I didn't want other people to know it was about him... because he died... he's dead. Look, I didn't read it, okay? So, you don't have to, like... What, you expect me to believe that? I don't care what you believe! You find a five page letter in a museum and it starts... "Dear Jordan," and you expect me to believe you didn't read it? Never mind. Look, I read parts of it, okay? What? You must really think I'm stupid. - It just didn't hold my interest, okay? - Really? Why is that? I'm curious, I'd really like to know what it was... that made it so incredibly boring. Just tell me, was it too emotional, too personal, too many big words? Just shut up! Jeez. You couldn't read it. That's it, isn't it? I never told anyone before. Catalano. I just talked to Tino, man, he said he can get us that loft tonight. - Cool. - Yes, so rehearsal's on. Okay, well... - We should tell the other Embryos. - I guess so. - So, you have rehearsal tonight? - I guess so, yes. Maybe I could hear that song you wrote sometime. Sure. I mean, yes. We're rehearsing tonight at this loft that Tino found. So... So you mean I should go to the loft tonight? Well, you know, whatever. Catalano, let's go! Wait, say this again? Something has happened between Jordan Catalano and me... and I can't explain it, I seriously can't. Don't even ask me, but I understand him in this way... I didn't even know existed. And it has completely changed everything. Everything. - Well, how late? - Eight days. Eight fun-filled days. - You're eight days late? - Yes. - God, you're never late. - I know. Of course, this could just, you know, mean... well, I mean, it could be pre-menopause. What? Don't get all insulted. I said pre. Pre-menopause? Is that like pre-death? Well, it just means that this stage of the game... that your periods get a little funky. - Funky. - Sporadic. Look, let's face it. Finally, someday, we are going to come to the end of our eggs. You know that this had never occurred to me. God, this is so depressing. A man loses a little hair, he buys a great sports car. I know. But, it's supposed to be very gradual. It's going to take, ten years or something. We end up looking like Germaine Greer on the back of that book. I plan on looking like Tina Turner, when I'm 50. Patty? We're 40! 40 is still considered young. Look, you're not going through menopause! So, what are you saying? That I could be pregnant? Are you kidding? At your age? Tell her the best part. He asked her to watch Frozen Embryos rehearse tonight. Which I've been wanting to do, so bad. So, wait, what was this thing that changed everything? It's not something I can talk about. All I can say is that it involves that letter. I knew it! He found the letter. It made him want you. Right? Am I right? Angelica, do you know what this means? Yes, I do. Yes. What does it mean? It means, this has happened. You're happening. You and Jordan Catalano. And who is the person, without whom none of this would be happening? Who is the genius who lost this stupid letter in the first place? Who should you be thanking for the rest of your life? Thank you. Don't mention it. I got to go. I got to beep George. George? That museum guard? So, congratulations. I haven't seen him since it happened. If I ran into him, I'd probably faint. You won't. He has Shop 5th period, Mondays and Wednesdays and he never cuts Shop. I just know, because I used to pass him on the way to Computer. Right. - When? - I don't know. The night we watched The Nutty Professor on cable? - That was two months ago. - And I put the stupid thing in. - I mean the diaphragm. - Right. Look, it's not like there were that many times. How can you say that? There's been tons of times. What about the night that Danielle stayed over at Stacy's? How many of these have you eaten? Graham, what if it's a boy? Patty, it's not a boy, it's not anything... because it's not happening, you're not pregnant. You mean, you feel like it might be a boy? No. What am I saying? There's no way that I could be... Brian! Honey, look, it's Brian Krakow. It was open. See, I loaned Angela Malcolm X. I read it already. But, I have to re-read it. Angela's not here. She's at band practice tonight... I guess she's thinking of joining or something. You're in band, aren't you? I mean, at least you play the flute. - He plays the saxophone. Hi. - Hi. Actually I play both because they say that colleges really like it... if you play more than one instrument. You have to play them both at once or... Well, I'm not allowed in Angela's room without a visa. - I'll let her know that you came. - Right. Okay. So, what's this thing that Angela went to again? I don't know. But, there must be someone there she likes... because she changed clothes, like, eight different times. Is the saxophone hard to play? I'm interested in the saxophone. Maybe you could show me how to play it sometime. - Sure, I guess so. - When? Maybe tomorrow night. So she changed clothes? Yes. So, did you mean it? About the lessons? Will Angela be there? I mean, because I need that book. Just come over. I could find the book. - Let's go. They're totally ignoring us. - No, not yet. If only Tino would get here so they'd play something. Or I could at least drink more. I'm calling George again. Huge events take place on this Earth every day. Earthquakes, hurricanes. Even glaciers move. So, why couldn't he just look at me? Hey. Do you want to hear that song I was telling you about? I was going nowhere, going nowhere fast. Drowning in my memories, living in the past. Everything looked black until I found her. She's all I need, and that's what I said. I call her "Red". Oh, my God, "Red", that's you! I call her "Red". Yes, yes, yes. She's my shelter from the storm, she's a place to rest my head. Late at night, she keeps me safe and warm. I call her "Red". Yes, yes, yes. I call her "Red". That's all I have so far. - Oh, my God, Rickie. - Angela... - So, you are going to stay, right? - I don't know. Well, stay. You should, I mean, that's the whole point, right? Stay, hear the rest of the rehearsal. We have to go. We should go. But, if you want to stay... - Do you want to stay? - I could. Then, stay. We're going. Bye. Bye! It's getting late. I got to go. Tino's not coming. Let's go. I don't think Tino's coming. I'm going to get out of here. You want a ride somewhere? - Okay. - Okay. I was just thinking... - Could you maybe have dyslexia? - What, that backwards thing? Lots of people have it, I mean, my father's brother has it. It makes reading incredibly difficult because your mind, like... Let's not talk about this. Reverses things. I'm sorry. It's actually not. I mean, a lot of really intelligent people are dyslexic. - Just because a person can't read... - Hey, I can read, okay? Just not... No, I know. Just not that good. You know those guys... up in the mountains? What guys? Who make snow, like... - Like, as their job? - Yes. I would really like to do that. You mean, part-time or... - Sorry. - For what? I interrupted you. Yes. Thanks. Okay. Yes. Angela, do you hear me? You're going to be late! Exactly when did I turn into Auntie Em? - How soon can you take the test? - Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will take it and hopefully we... Yes, honey, what is it? Angela's in love. - She's drinking coffee. - And humming. I can go out on dates, right? Of course you can go out on dates. But we do have certain ground rules. - Like what? - Like what? Like, you have a curfew. And... we have to know where you're going, and whoever else is going to be there. And, we have to have an understanding about drinking... namely, that you're not going to be doing any. And if a boy that you're out with takes a drink, then you have to... swear on a stack of Bibles that you will not let him drive you home. And, of course, we have to meet him first, whoever he is. And that's it. You have to meet him first? Yes. Like a little milk in your coffee? No, I take it black, with three or four sugars. I see. Why do you have to meet him first? That's humiliating. I mean, this person means something to me. There is a person who means something to you? Yes, and I don't see why you can't just trust that. Why do I have to parade him around in front of you? Because we want to drag you down to our level. So, say it was somebody you knew. Then I wouldn't have to introduce him to you. Because you already know him. Right? Go to school. And you want to go through this with yet a third one? I'm not saying I want to, I'm just saying what if it's true? I don't know. Do you want it to be true? Do you? When he's 40, we'll be dead. - Rayanne Graff is staring at us. - So? She's so low. She's so disgusting. The other day, at the museum... I heard she had sex with one of the guards. - Get over it. - What? Face it. If a guy did that on a field trip... you and your friends would give him a medal. Hey, I'm just making conversation. Besides, I thought you hated her. I do. I mean, of course I do. But I just think there's... a lot of great reasons to hate her, without dragging in her sex life. It was amazing. I keep running it over and over in my mind, like it was a movie. That's just what I would do. I want to see him so much, but at the same time, it's like... I don't just want to see him, with no preparation. It's exactly how I would be. Look, he usually goes to P. E. On Thursdays... so, if you could be on the north side of the gym as fifth period lets out... - Rickie. - You don't have to say it. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hey. So, what's up? I can't get that song you wrote out of my mind. I'm still not done writing it, so... Well, there's this movie and it kind of reminds me of your song... or your song kind of reminds me of the movie but... hearing it kind of makes me want to go to the movie again. Yes, we could do that. Yes, but the thing is, this is going to sound so weird. My parents are kind of, like, from the Stone Age... but they have to meet you. Before. - Before what? - Before we could go to the movie. Yes, okay. Yes! I mean, you could just come by tonight, you know... anytime, and it'd be settled. And, we could just go to the movie anytime this weekend. Catalano. Let's go. So, would you want to do that? Like, tonight? Say around 7:30? Yes, sure. Why not? - What was that about? - Just shut up. I just wasn't expecting to have to meet this guy so soon. I wasn't expecting to have to meet any guy so soon. Yes, well. Neither was I. But I guess we are. I guess she's pretty serious about him. Listen, I think you'd better prepare yourself. I get the definite feeling that this kid is very good looking. So? What, do you think I can't handle that? - God, how did it come to this? - I don't know! - You and your ground rules! - What was I supposed to say? - We can't keep her locked in her room. - Why not? No, really. How did locking kids in their room get such a bad rap. I don't know. Look at me. I'm bloated, I'm very, very interested in chocolate... Okay. It's only Brian. Come on in. Angela! Brian's here. Danielle seemed interested, so I thought I'd show her how... the sax works, and then I remembered that I still need... - My Malcolm X, so... - Here's your book. - How come you look like that? - Like what? Brian, would you like something to drink? I definitely need a drink. - Hi. - Hi. You just look like you're going to a costume party as someone else. Where are we going to have the lesson? If you must know, Jordan Catalano is coming over. What? Yes, shut up! Why is that so amazing? I'm sorry if you disapprove. I don't disapprove. I'm just sickened. Please get out of here, would you? No! Anyway, he's here to see me. - So, what, you and Jordan a couple? - Yes, why is that so hard to accept? He's coming over, and we're probably going to go see... The Bicycle Thief this weekend together. What? You think Jordan Catalano will understand one word of Bicycle Thief? Shut up! - You only understand it because... - That's such a lie! You're bringing Jordan Catalano to The Bicycle Thief? That idiot! Don't you dare call him that! You don't know, you don't understand. Not for one second. You think you understand, but you don't! You just analyze everything until it barely even exists. It's Tino. He said we should meet him over on Clyburn. There's a party. Yes. Okay. Yes. Let's go! There's nothing to eat here anyways. Yo, Catalano, come on. No, there's this thing I said I would do. What thing? Just this thing that I said I would do. Whatever. I kept it loose. It wasn't definite, it wasn't like a date. We know that. Actually, I'm pretty tired. I think I'd better go to bed. This life has been a test. If It had been an actual life... you would have received Instructions on where to go, and what to do. What? So have you and Kyle gone all the way yet? That is completely none of your business. Look, I know it's none of my business. I mean, we're totally not friends... due to the fact that neither of us can stand each other. That's why I asked you. Go ahead, ask me anything. Go ahead. It's, like, relaxing. - You're so weird. - Squared. Okay, look. I made a solemn promise to myself... that I would not go all the way until I was ready. And I'm sticking to that. I was just vaguely curious. Because when I saw you making out with Kyle in the hall... I mean, you act like you're reaching ecstasy. Well, yes. I mean... I mean, when... You know how that is. Yes, in a way. I mean, it's fun and all, you know... I don't always feel anything. Sometimes I feel numb or something. Maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. I've tried every type of person. Look, no big deal, you don't have to look all worried or anything. God, Rayanne, I wish I could be like you. I mean, your relationships may be short, but at least they're real. At least, you're not making them all up. - You haven't even heard his side yet. - I don't want to hear his side. I never want to see him again, for the rest of my... It was kind of like driving by a horrible car accident. You just had to look. She's a little upset. I guess, well, because, well, never mind. No, what? I guess she figures, you know, why didn't you call, or something? Yes, that makes sense. She just, she wanted me to meet her parents. I just... I wasn't in the mood, you know? It's like, she knows too much about me, or something? Not really, but she just makes too big a deal out of everything. I mean, she makes everything too complicated. Anyway. Well, it was partly that song that you wrote? She really liked it. And it was obvious what it was about, so... Yes. My car. Patty? So how's the test going? Did you flunk? But seriously, honey, do you know anything yet? I can't believe it. It's a miracle. Sweetheart. Oh, God. I got my period. Okay. I just, for a second I thought... I feel such relief, such gratitude for my life, my freedom. I mean, the idea of actually starting over again right now... with another child when I'm just beginning to... I just don't want to go back there now. Oh Graham. Oh sweetheart. - You wanted a son. - Well, maybe just a little. It's not like I go around wanting one all the time. I guess, I just sort of fell in love with the idea of having a son. Honey, I'm sorry. - I thought you were past all that now. - I thought so, too. I come bearing ice cream. It's cookie dough. You can eat it right out of the carton. Mom, if you care about me at all, do not attempt to cheer me up... because it's not possible. You can leave the ice cream. You know, I wasn't going to try to cheer you up. I wouldn't presume to think that anything I could say... - Would lift your spirits. - Good, because you can't. It's ironic, isn't it? Emotions? I mean, all this week, I was so afraid that I was pregnant. What? You're not, are you? No. I said... I thought incorrectly, as it turns out, that I might... accidentally have become pregnant. Mom? It's not that funny. I'm so pleased that I've been able to brighten your day. - Hi. - Hi. Angela is in there. Would you still like me to give you a saxophone lesson? No. Guess that answers your question. Why is Dad playing catch with Brian Krakow? I guess if you live with three women, it could make any man desperate. Hello. Here, why don't you play? Take over. What did your parents think about Jordan Catalano? Were they revolted? We are not talking about Jordan Catalano ever again. We're not? Okay, we're not. Why not? Because you are incapable of understanding. Yes, why? Because it's never happened to you. I mean, just wait until it happens to you, Brian. Seriously, I cannot wait until it happens to you... because I'm going to look at you and I am going to laugh. And I'll say, "See? See? I told you so." (PA FEMALE SPEAKING IN TENCTONESE) (PA MALE SPEAKING IN TENCTONESE) (PA FEMALE CONTINUES IN TENCTONESE) (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) (GRUNTING) (SHOUTING) (BEEPING) (TENCTONESE) Hmm? (FEMALE REPORTER) This is not a hoax. (REPORTERS VOICES OVERLAPPING) (MALE REPORTER) We are live... NARRATOR: California's Mojave Desert, five years ago our historic first view of the alien ship Gruza. Theirs was a slave ship... carrying a quarter-million Tenctonese bred to adapt and labor in any environment. Physically stronger than human beings, with keener senses and two hearts... these alien Newcomers have joined the California workforce... including the LA Police Department. They've been welcomed by many... but feared and hated by so-called Purists. (SHOUTING) With no way to leave Earth, the Tenctonese Newcomers have become the latest edition... to the population of Los Angeles. (TENCTONESE) (TENCTONESE) (TENCTONESE) (RADIO: FEMALE SPEAKING TENCTONESE) (RADIO: FEMALE CONTINUES IN TENCTONESE) I want something that smells good. How about these roses? No, no. It has to be alive. For a Newcomer? Hey, what do you got? These daffodils are nice. And you can plant the bulbs. Fine. Excuse me. Kermit, could you put a bow around these? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want a slag touching my stuff. Mom, they're so cool! You didn't see them. Everybody's got 'em. I don't care, Em. Jill's got a pair. Forget it! I'm not buying you those boots. (COOING) I'm not paying $300 for a pair of boots. I'll pay half! Please? (ENGINE OFF) (BEEPS) Hi, Meemoo. It's George. It's 4:30. I'll be leaving in about an hour. I'll pick up some bladder and ligaments for dinner. Bladder again? (BEEPS) Going to the gym. Might be late. Bye. (DOORBELL RINGS)(FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE) Visitor, front door. Yes? For a, uh, Detective Francisco? That's my husband. Please sign here. Vessna's asleep. I'm gonna watch TV. SUSAN: There you go. Enjoy. Thank you. Who sent flowers to Dad? Let your father open that! (INHALES) (INHALES) (ECHOING) Mom? The police said to stay back! (RADIO. POLICE DISPATCHER, INDISTINCT) Got it. Comin' through. (VESSNA CRYING) Detective, can you tell us what caused the illness? Detective Francisco, we understand the flowers were sent to you. Do you have any idea who sent them? Leave us alone! Detective! (REPORTER 2) What's the prognosis? Detective, do you have a comment? Any comments? Please? Detective Francisco! (VESSNA CONTINUES CRYING) Can you tell us what exactly happened? (RADIO. POLICE DISPATCHER, INDISTINCT) Zapeda! What the hell happened here? Two-seventeen, Captain. Looks like Susan and Emily were poisoned. When I got home, Emily was still conscious. She said a delivery man brought flowers to the house, and when she smelled them... George, I'm so sorry. Was the delivery man Newcomer or human? Human. A neighbor saw him leave. He didn't seem to be suffering any ill effects. Officer! Get away from there! All right. Until we know what we are dealing with... I want to keep all Newcomer personnel away from the scene of the crime. Put Emily and Susan in full isolation. (VESSNA CRYING) Come on, George. You and your son ride with me to the hospital. (OFFICER ON BULLHORN) Clear the area! Please stay back! (PANTING) (SLAMS) (CHUCKLES) (WATER RUNNING) (WATER OFF) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Aaah! (LAUGHS) I'm late. I just got home. There was this anti-Malathion demonstration. The killer bee thing. The steaks are frozen... Sorry, Lorraine. Come in. Come in. Thanks. (SIGHS) They detailed George to the mayor's office... so I'm stuck out there without my partner... surrounded by a bunch of snarling environmentalist wackos. These people got no respect for human life. Mmm. I like the look. Huh? Oh, uh, I was just gonna hop into the shower. Look, have a seat. I got some potato chips somewhere. There's beer in the fridge. Give me two minutes. Matt. You forgot to say hello. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Hello. Hello. I, uh... I'd better get in the shower. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Matt! (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Matt! Where's Matt? Who's that at the door? Cathy. Uh, Lorraine and I were just gonna have a little bite. I got a call from the hospital. Susan and Emily were just taken to Intensive Care. What? They were purposely infected with some kind of virus. I'll get my shirt. Ms. Bryant. Marc. Oh. Miss Bryant. Marc tells me you're the one who sent the flowers to the Newcomer family. You took some of our virus... and contaminated the flowers? You see, Miss Bryant, it was that slag cop Francisco. He busted Lonnie, my brother, for working in a chop shop. Lonnie pulled six years. Six years! I had to do somethin'. Right? Tom, the police now know the virus exists. What if they're able to come up with some kind of antidote before we're ready? Don't you understand? Everything we've worked so hard for... all our hopes of the Earth restored to human beings... of a future freed of the alien parasite... everything is jeopardized because of your selfish act. I'm really sorry. I'm just heartsick about this. Oh, no. (BODY FALLS) When we landed here, we thought this planet would be our salvation. Someone has developed this virus to kill us. You don't know that. The human delivery man wasn't affected. In the five years we have been on Earth... there has never been a virus that was exclusively harmful to Newcomers. Suddenly this one appears as part of a murder attempt. It had to come from a laboratory. Emily and Susan are gonna be all right. You'll see. Look. A falling star. That's good luck, huh? (OVERLAPPING VOICES) MAN: Rookie Tenctonese sensation... Manual transmission... (WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH) (WOMAN, MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE) They're in a secure area. Show 'em your badge. WOMAN ON PA: Nurse Hughes, report to ER. Nurse Hughes, report to... George, how are they? The doctor's in with them now. Those flowers were meant for me. Mr. Francisco, we've got them both on life support. The intensive ultraviolet and nitrogen are keeping your wife and daughter stable. But their condition is still critical. Can we go inside? If it's a virus, it must be contagious. We're not sure. It seems through normal contact one doesn't pick up enough of the virus to become ill. Susan and Emily must have aspirated a massive quantity. You may go in if you observe strict infectious procedure. But don't take the baby. Dad. George, if there's anything I can do... (VESSNA CRYING) (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) We've set up a lab to study the virus. I've got to get to work. Cathy? ♪ (RADIO PLAYS PIANO) ♪ ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ (RADIO. STATIC, FREQUENCIES TUNING) (ENGINE OFF) What are you doing here? Who you got back there? Hey. Slag. (INHALES) I asked you a question. Hey! (GRUNTING) Let go! Put me down! (BLOWS LANDING) (MAN GROANING) (EXHALES) Sikes, your prisoner's here. Thanks, Zap. Sikes. Elliot. You lost weight. What's the matter? You don't like the food at Chino? Where the hell's my lawyer? What'd you bring me here for? I'm waitin' transport on this yo-yo. Can I leave him here? Sure. More the merrier! Tell me, Elliot, what's new on the Purist grapevine? Does that have to be in here? You're not ashamed of being a Purist. Purist? Oh, yeah. Elliot here once burned a Newcomer family out of Glendale. Sikes. (SPEAKS TENCTONESE) Easy. Elliot'll kick your ass. What do you know about a virus that affects Newcomers? I don't know a thing. He says after he kicks your ass, he's going after your mother. (YELLING) Back off! Back off! Sorry, Sikes. We'll ship him off to Chino. Well, Elliot's going back. Put 'em in the paddy wagon together. You can't do that. You can't do that! Oh, yeah. (GROWLING) All right. All right! Come on, Moe. Let's go. Come on. Word is, one of the Purist groups created this virus. Which one? Where are they? I don't know. But they're gonna make enough to soak LA ♪ (BOOM BOX PLAYING REGGAE) ♪ I see that I've failed to reach most of you with the lesson I was given to teach. I thought, when I was a young man... (REPEATING LINES) I would conquer the world with the truth. New Menu tonight. New Menu tonight. (MAN ON TV) Only a few of them heard. (SUSTAINED BEEPING TONE) ♪ (BOOM BOX PLAYING REGGAE CONTINUES) ♪ (SQUEAKING, SQUAWKING) (SUSTAINED TONE) (GASPS) No. Give me that. Give me that. (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) I was only doing my job. I never hurt anyone. (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) Your Excellency. Where are other Overseers? I don't know. Slaves? You came to get the slaves? (MUTTERS) They'll all be dead. The Purists, they have a virus. Purists? They hate us. They're going to kill us with that virus. All of us. Only two are sick. (FEMALE NEWCOMER) One liver shake with bone. You want spleen with that? It's only a dollar more. No. No? All right. Come on. Hey! That's my car! Get the hell out of my car. What are you doing? Slave. (GROANS) (ENGINE STARTS) (REPORTER) Newcomer activists charge this virus... was created by radical Purists... for use against the Newcomer community. In other local news, the Department of Food and Agriculture said... that despite protests from environmental groups... the agency will renew Malathion spraying... in an effort to stop the latest wave of killer bees. (CLICK) Can you believe it? Don't worry. We'll get 'em. Who? The Purists. I'm talking about the Malathion. It's hell on the patio furniture. Patio furniture. Right. (DOOR UNLOCKS) You got a pass? Uh, where's Detective Francisco? He's in with his wife. It'll be just a moment. We're intubating her droonal flanges. Droonal flanges. Right. (CHICKEN CLUCKING) Albert, what are you doing? These are for Susan and Emily. (LAUGHING) You can't bring a chicken in here. Why not? You can't bring an animal into a hospital. But we're animals. Al, we're animals, but we're human. I'm human, you're a Newcomer. This is an animal animal. Susan and Emily need it. They need the life force of many nahooma... many souls like these. Oh, Albert, look what you've brought. I tried to tell him he couldn't... That's very therapeutic, Albert. Thank you very much. Oh, and Matt, you brought... Oh. What's the matter? You don't like snapdragons? They're cut off from the plant. Their souls are gone. Tenctonese believe dying flowers aren't good for the sick. But I'm sure Emily and Susan would want to see you. Please. Oh, Albert, uh, get a mask. (CLUCKING CONTINUES) (MEOWS) They're getting worse. Is there anything you want? Visahooli. SIKES: I'll get it. Uh, what's a visahooli? A song. She wants us to sing her a song. Sing. I don't know any Tenctonese songs. No, her favorite is "San Jose." She loves Dionne Warwick. George, I-I can't carry a tune. How about Albert? I'm sorry. I don't know that one. George, I can't sing. Really. Oh. All right. (KITTEN MEOWS) ♪ (SINGING) ♪ ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ ♪ (SINGING ALONG) ♪ ♪ (ENDS) ♪ What kind of a problem? Is it the virus? Like I said, it's technical. They'll have to explain. What? (ALL SHOUTING) Happy birthday, Ms. Bryant! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! You had me so scared. This is so sweet of you. Thank you, all of you. You know what I'm wishing. (CHEERING) Oh! Here goes my diet. (LAUGHS) Your wish is about to come true, Ms. Bryant. We have the best birthday gift possible. They found a way to replicate the virus twice as quickly. We'll be ready to spray in two days. That is wonderful. (CHUCKLES) What about the Franciscos? I understand they're still alive. That's only because they're still on life support. You can't put 250,000 slags on life support. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) By Friday they'll all be dead. TGIF. Who wants the flower? Me! I do! (LAUGHING, CHATTERING) Can I help you? Look, um, you've been hanging around here all day. Good night, Dr. Frankel. Good night. Just what do you want? Excuse me. (KNOCKING) (VESSNA FUSSES) Hi. Your dad call? He wanted me to pick up a few things. There. Okay. Listen, anything you need? Did I do something wrong? You're human. Not according to my ex-wife. Right. Okay. Anything else? Dad wanted those serdsos. "Sedsos"? One's Emily's, the other's Mom's. Vessels of our souls. Aha. We keep them next to our bed at night. We believe that our souls wander while we sleep. At dawn, our souls return to us through the serdso. Good. Okay. Better get this stuff to the hospital. (VESSNA COOING) Uh, May, do you have any liver chips? Morning, May. Right here. May, has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knuckles? (GIGGLES) Thanks. So do you. May, if anything should happen to us... I mean, you know, this virus... Nothing's going to happen. But if it does, I want you to know I-I... I love you. Albert! There's no toilet paper in the men's room. I knew I forgot something. If you can't do anything else right... at least keep the john properly stocked. Captain Grazer's under a lot of pressure. He shouldn't speak to you like that. Yeah, I, uh... I should probably get back to work. Albert. I love you too. Hey, Albert. Hi. George, what are you doing here? I'm a police officer, aren't I? Yeah, but... I can't just sit around that hospital with Moby Dick in my hand. Well, whatever. (BEEPS) (SIGHS) Matt, I need to do something. Sure, George. (BEEPS) It would take very expensive, sophisticated equipment to synthesize a viral agent. I'm tracing invoices from laboratory supply houses over the last year and a half. Sounds good. I was talking to Sgt. Tran at the Purist unit. He sent over some surveillance photos. All the usual suspects, except this guy. I've never seen him before. Hey, Zap, you recognize this guy with Bryant? Mm-mmm. Run a make, will ya? Cross-reference it with the FBI Photo library, DMV... county, city... any place that uses picture ID. You got it. Hi. Any luck? I've tried Zynomine, Plaetine... a whole range of antiviral drugs. Nothing seems to work. Cathy, uh, I know what you must have thought when you saw me with Lorraine. I'm sorry. I should have told you. I have to find a monoclonal antibody. I know we've been, well, kinda seeing each other... but still, we keep having problems. I just thought, I don't know... it might be better if I started going out with a human woman. Matt... does any of that matter now? (TENCTONESE) Hey! What'd he say? He was afraid I was an Overseer. Ah, my English is not good. But I want to help you... I am doctor. He says he worked in the ship's infirmary. Thanks for the offer, but this isn't the candy stripers. You don't just walk in here and volunteer, pal. Wait. (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) (REPLYING IN TENCTONESE) He knows his physiology. Well, then, he should know where his butt is, which I'm kicking out of here. (PHONE RINGS) Dr. Frankel. I'll be right there. Emily's condition has deteriorated. Let me see her. No! Doctor... You're not going onto that ward! We don't know this guy. What is it? Her temperature's still rising. I've given her holodka, but it hasn't helped... so I'm putting an ice wrap on her. Let's double it up. Uh, George, I don't know how to say this... but if Emily was my daughter... I'd sorta want to bring in a priest. So she can go to heaven? Well... Matt, I appreciate the thought... but we don't believe priests have anything to do with where we go after death. Oh, uh, Matt... George. Matt. I need to get a vase for these. Look, I made the same mistake. See, flowers are pretty, but they're, uh, dying. It's a Newcomer thing. I'm afraid this isn't a very good time for visitors. Why don't you two go get something to eat? Okay. Come with us. No, I'm not hungry. You go. Julie, get me another ice wrap for her feet. WOMAN ON PA: Nurse Hughes, report to E.R. Nurse Hughes, report to the E.R. Hey. You okay? Yeah. Tried to get George to bring in a priest. Priest? Emily might die tonight. You're Catholic. You understand. No. Are you worried about her soul? Matt, we don't even know if they have souls. What are you talking about? There's nothing in the Bible about Newcomers. Christ came to us as a man. He died for human beings. What are you saying? They're not in the club? No, I... I'm sure God has a plan for the Newcomers. But it isn't the same as ours. Oh, man. (SIGHS) Matt, what... (EXHALES) I gotta get back to George. (GASPING) Emily! Emily! Cathy! Emily? George! George, what's wrong? (GASPING CONTINUES) GEORGE: What is it? What's happening? (EXHALES) SIKES: George? No. Temperature. Respiration. Both hearts. All normal. I'm thirsty. Emily. Dad. (KITTEN MEOWING) If Emily's getting better, why hasn't Susan? CATHY: I'm going back to the lab. Oh. (REPEATS WORD IN TENCTONESE) I brought you these. Where did you get all this? I keep it from the sh-ship since the crash. (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) I... stole it... from the ship. Will it help you? Yes. Oh, yes. Now we can together work. Uh... You do not trust me. I am different. Yes. Because I am alone... in the desert since the crash. Five years you were in the desert? I hide from Overseers. I... am afraid. All that time, you never knew we were free. What's this? That's odd. Many of us developed a rash like this when we landed on Earth... from the salt air. Why would you get it after five years? I know. The air in Los Angeles is more saline than the desert. We're closer to the ocean. You must be reacting to it. I'll get you some ointment. Watch my finger. (TENCTONESE) Is there pain? Here? (GIGGLES) No. It tickles. It tickles. (TENCTONESE) Ah. Tickles. Your chest looks fine, Em. Both hearts are in phase. My back's sore. Mmm. Her mata gland. It is a little swollen. It's probably from the fever. To your room I'll take you. I wanna see Mom. I'm really worried about her. Of your father you must be very proud. The police fight the Overseers, yes? No. They don't let them do that here. But he must know who they are, where they are. A lot of'em, yeah. Hi, Matt. Hey, puddin'. Brought you something. Jelly vials! You brush your teeth now. I will. Thanks, Matt. I'm going to see Mom. Well, look who joined the staff. I am helping Cathy. Really? What a sport. I think you and Cathy are good friends. I think that's none of your business. Plants, all the animals... nothing helps. Why aren't there more Newcomer doctors on this staff? George! George. Sorry. Ahpossno. Cathy says you've been a great deal of help. Thank you. Anything on the case? Medical supply company outfitted a warehouse... with the latest biological engineering equipment. Bogus corporation, but the vendor gave us a positive ID On the buyer... a Phyllis Bryant. Ms. Purist. (PHONE RINGS) Sikes. We got a make on that guy with Bryant. Marc Guerin. He's clean. No arrest, no priors, no previous Purist activity. That's it? He's a government employee. Flies choppers for Food and Agriculture. Food and Agriculture? They're spraying Malathion tonight. They can cover the city with that virus. Call the airport. Ground those choppers. I'm just a few minutes from the airfield. Meet me there. I'm going with you. I too. What? I am Udara. Udara? He's what? Like Japanese samurai. Among the slaves they were the elite... a secret group of warriors. Right. First, he's Albert Schweitzer, now he's Steven Seagal. If he is Udara, it can't hurt to take him with us. He's not a cop. This is our battle. We fight to save the Tenctonese. He has skills we could use. Are you nuts? I'm not worried about regulations. Our survival is at stake. (GEORGE SPEAKS TENCTONESE) (HELICOPTER PASSES OVERHEAD) Someday, Marc, when the world comes to its senses... humankind will honor what you're about to do. God be with you. This oughta take care of those slags. Keep your voice down. Marc? Hey, Marc. What are they doing? They're just adjusting some canister fittings. What's up? The flight's been scrubbed. You and Hank aren't going up tonight. Why not? I don't know. It came from LAPD. Okay by me, as long as we get paid. What say we get a drink? You read my mind. Go over to Casey's and get us a table. I'll just be a minute. You got it. Let's do it. (SIRENS WAILING) We got trouble. Get outta here, guys! Go! Come on! Let's get outta here! (SIRENS CONTINUE WAILING) Come on! Go! Go! Go! Police! Halt! (GRUNTING) (GROANS) No. No! No! (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING CONTINUES) (YELLING) George! (GROANS) George! (BEEPING) (INSTRUMENTS BEEPING) (BEEPING CONTINUES) (INSTRUMENTS CONTINUE BEEPING) Get down! (BEEPING CONTINUES) (WHEEZING) We did it. It's gonna be okay, George. We'll get you to the hospital. DOCTOR: He's failing faster than Susan. Why? What's different? The only thing I can think of is, he is a male. Could that have anything to do with it? Something in the female immune system. Then how come Emily recovered and Susan hasn't? Treatment was identical. Perhaps her age. Yes. Emily is 13. Emily just turned 13. The swollen mata gland. We need female Newcomer blood. Ten units at least. Hurry! We can use your isolator. What? What is it? We have to extract female hormone. SIKES: Why? What for? The antibody must be what cured Emily. But Susan's a female. Yes, but she's at the end of her cycle, so she doesn't have enough. Emily's in neestas. She just released a tremendous amount of this hormone. Neestas? Puberty, Matt. Emily's going through puberty. Ten cc's. I brought his serdso. (INJECTS) (MONITOR BEEPING) (GASPING) Susan's responding. (GASPING, MOANING) (VESSNA FUSSING) (HACKING) (GEORGE YELLING, GROANING) (VESSNA CRYING) (GASPING, GROANING CONTINUE) (CRYING INTENSIFIES) (GROANING SLACKENS) (EXHALES) (SHALLOW, CALM BREATHING) (CRYING CONTINUES) (INHALES) George? Susan. Susan. George. Mom? Mom! Mom? Yes! Oh! Mom? I'm so glad you're okay. Hi, Em. I'm gonna see Dad. You okay? You were great tonight. Thanks. I'm so tired. I feel like I've been on my feet for a week. You know, Cathy... I thought you and me could never work out. I thought the differences between us just wouldn't let it. I was wrong. I realize that now. Maybe... Maybe we can try it again. (SNORING) (CHUCKLES) (FREQUENCIES TUNING) (SPEAKING TENCTONESE) (MUTTERS IN TENCTONESE) How did you survive in the desert for five years? I was a slave on the mining colony in Yderon. This Earth desert didn't seem so bad. Are those our leaders? I see their picture everywhere. It's just an ad for spot cream. "Ad"? To make you want something so you'll go out and buy it. But we know what we want, what we need. Well, it's part of human culture. We've had to adapt. Actually, advertising is how I make my living. George! Susan! You should both be in wheelchairs. We're fine, really. Yes. Strong as a lox. All right. I want you both to eat a lot of cartilage and fresh lung... to get your strength back. Excuse me. Tell me, why do you choose to live among them? With the humans? (SCOFFS) Well, we don't have much choice. Not all humans are our enemies. You'll see. This is a very good place to live. Tell me, how many humans are there on this planet? Six billion. Really? Hmm. (HORN HONKS) SIKES: Hey. Buck and I got the house all cleaned up. There's tripe in the fridge and a gallon of old milk in the oven. Thank you, Matt. Maybe we could work together again. I'd like that. Okay, everybody back to work! Will you teach me about this world? Of course. Hey, where's he going? Oh, Ahpossno is staying with us until he gets settled. Whoa. Whoa! Trust me, George. He's not kosher. He's not Jewish. What does that have to do with anything? What I mean is there's something not right about him. GEORGE: He just needs a little socialization. Let him go to the Bureau of Newcomer Affairs. That's what they're there for. Matt, Ahpossno's a friend. He's proved that. George, Susan, thank God! Penny! Oh! I was so worried. Oh, we're fine, really. If there's anything I can do, anything at all... Thank you. Um, I'll call you later. Please. Nice, isn't it? Mmm. (DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) This is yours? Like they say, the bank owns most of it, but, uh, yes. (HORN HONKS) Matt's waiting. I have to get to work. Show him the trash compactor. I bet he's never seen anything like that. Friend, our home is your home. (HORN HONKS) Oh. (MUTTERS) You don't like it much, do you? I suppose it's very human. Yes, I suppose it is. Here, lady. This way. I wouldn't let Ahpossno in my house, George. Well, look who's checkin' into Heartbreak Hotel. Give her the Lizzie Borden suite. A lovely view of the cinder block wall. You know, Detective, it's a finite world. Whatever they take... water, food, jobs... there's that much less for us. Yeah, Phyllis, sing me the blues. It's your children and your grandchildren... who will pay for what you've done! Say good night, Phyllis. George. Detective Sikes. Congratulate me. May just asked me to marry her. Congratulations, Albert! (LAUGHING) He'll make you a wonderful husband. And he's a handsome fellow. A hot tamale. A real creamboat. Albert, my shirts! You brought them from the cleaners on a hanger. I like them folded in a box. What goes on up there? I'll get right on it. Oh. There's toilet paper in the bathroom, Captain. And I wrote your name on it so that no one else can use it. Gonna be very hard for me to resist. Shut up, Sikes. You, back to the hospital. Captain, I feel fine. Top-tip. In the red. Pink. However. (SCOFFS) It's not a checkup. You got a homicide. GEORGE: Homicide? "Newcomer victim found in his car... in the hospital parking lot." George, what about that gizmo he had? That thing he brought the chopper down with? Where did he get that? You're obsessing on Ahpossno. Once you know him better, you'll like him. Come over tonight. Have dinner with us. Pass. Cathy's coming. I'll be there. Lois! Whoo! Take that one out of the oven. It's done. Sikes. George, glad to see you up and about. Thank you. What do we have? Newcomer, male. His name's Kenny Bunkport, 35 years old. He's been dead about three days. Killed by a single axillary blow. To the armpit. I know what "axillary" is. What was the murder weapon, a can of Right Guard? (LAUGHS) Somebody's fist, and that somebody was strong. Yeah, I know it hurts you guys like getting whacked in the gooneys, but fatal? The Tenctonese axilla is comparable to the human temple. Theoretically, a blow could be lethal. Although... What? It would take uncommon precision. (COOING) Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know why I didn't redecorate sooner. We surround ourselves with everything human... and yet we have such a rich culture of our own. Oh, Buck, you'd better give Vessna her bath. It's getting late. Let me. (CRYING) She's probably scared from everything. I'll take her. (CRYING STOPS) Maybe after dinner you can tell me more about Yderon. He killed four Overseers with his bare hands. Really? Susan, look who's joining us for dinner. Oh, Matt, hi. Susan, what have you done? I'm making this a Tenctonese home, George. Ahpossno inspired me. Doctor, ninja and interior decorator. Excuse me. What we've been through, almost dying. George, it's made me reevaluate my life. It's time for some changes in my home, in my job. What? I gave notice. You know, Ahpossno was right about advertising. That Ahpossno. Susan, don't I have a say in all this? You know, that's another thing. We've fallen into this human habit of you making too many decisions... when you know perfectly well that in traditional Tenctonese society... women made all of them. (CHUCKLES) Susan... Ahpossno said... that in Tundash villages, men did nothing... but bear children and gather roots, George. Is there something in the kitchen I can do? Rinse some membranes? Susan, we've made plans based on two incomes. The U.V. Room, the trampoline, the Winnebago. George, we don't need things. We need identity. (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it. (COMPUTER VOICE) Visitor at the front door. ♪ (FLUTE) ♪ Cathy, what a surprise. Hello, Matt. Susan, George. Cathy. Is Ahpossno here? That's him playing. Oh. ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ I think she was glad to see me. That was beautiful. (TENCTONESE) How is it hanging? (CHUCKLES) It's hanging fine. I've been practicing my English. Thank you for these books. I brought you something else. Your NRC... Newcomer Registration Card. They named you Norman Conquest. (CHUCKLES) You now have all the rights of a citizen. You're free. No one can ever enslave you again. Thank you. You are kind. You are beautiful. (FOOTSTEPS) (GRUNTS) Don't you look like what the cat-dragon ate. You left in a hurry last night. Shame you missed dinner. We had some wonderful liver filled with whipped cream. Nu-Twinks. (GRUNTS) Was it something anyone said? Can we just get to work here? Or is that the kind of decision Susan has to make? Are you implying I'm kitty-whipped? No, George, I never for a moment... thought that you were kitty-whipped. We have a missing person. A human. A rancher named Raymond Taylor. Put a hold on that till we finish the Bunkport case. Why? I think it might be of major significance. Major significance? Bunkport probably just stiffed a loan shark. Whoever the murderer was clearly has uncommon martial skills. Also... What? Well, I just have a feeling. A feeling? You mean, like booga-booga, sixth sense, ESP? Humor me. Fabric fibers were found under Bunkport's fingernails. It's possible they came from the murderer's clothing. SID Is running an analysis. (GRUNTS) Hello. We missed you at dinner last night. I... suddenly took ill. I'm glad to see you're feeling better. What's going on? Ahpossno wanted to know where I worked. I said I'd give him a tour of the precinct. Oh, sure! Why not? We got nothing better to do today. I'm going to the morgue... to get some fresh air. He doesn't like me. No. No, I-it's just that Matt's interpersonal skills... are a little... weak. I've gotta get to the lab. Bye. You have much work here. I'm afraid so. How do you remember everything? With computers. Like this. I can bring up any case, review files on any suspects, any former convicts. It's linked to my computer at home so I can access the files there too. Now, uh, humans are identified by markings on their, uh, fingertips. (BOTH CHUCKLE) And, uh, Tenctonese? We were all tissue-typed in quarantine. George, at the wedding... Hello... May wants me to wear a blue gown. What color did you wear at yours? I was married aboard the ship. There were no gowns. Oh, forgot. Of course. You let them marry? What do you mean? He is a Number Four, a Zabeet. Albert is as smart as any of us. Those slave classifications are meaningless. You must forgive Ahpossno. He's been alone in the desert since the crash. Here, everyone is allowed to marry. Oh. Equality. That's... That's good. Congratulations. Excuse me. We are truly free here. (TENCTONESE) (COMPUTER BEEPING) Ahpossno. Oh. What were you doing? Just studying history. Abraham Lincoln. What a great man. Yes. But that computer requires an access code. Oh, I, uh... I asked Susan. I didn't want to bother you. It also contains classified information. If you wish to use the encyclopedia, use Buck's computer. All right. Well, I'm tired now. Good night, George. Good night. ♪ (TENCTONESE) ♪ ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ Jovan. Jovan. I liked your note. Well, I been workin' on my Tenctonese. You wrote, "Please join me inside a pot of milk." But I got the idea. (CHUCKLING) Well, here. What are you doing? Hmm? The shirt, the music, this. (SIGHS) Cathy, I... I want us to be together. Oh, Matt. Give us a chance. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Look, you don't say yes, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna drink this sour milk. Matt! I mean it. I will. I'll drink it down to the last curd. It will make you sick. You gonna say yes? Hmm? Okay. (SIGHS) (GAGGING) (COUGHS) Delicious. Matt, I... I appreciate what you're trying to do. But I think it's better if we just stay good friends. It's Ahpossno, isn't it? I'm sorry. ♪ (ENDS) ♪ I'm missing my backgammon club. I tried to push this till next weekend, but he insisted. Your long wait is over. In a week's time, you'll leave this planet. What? I've been sent to facilitate the recovery of our slaves. Recovery of the slaves? (CHUCKLING) It's been five years. This is ridiculous. I mean, the slaves would have to be retrained, reconditioned. Sir, I'm sure he didn't mean to question your authority. It's just that, well, we're all just a little surprised. I didn't save them from the virus to leave them here. The expense will be enormous! Has anyone done a cost analysis? It's not your place to worry about the economics. I also plan to take the humans. Oh, my G... Well, that's an excellent idea, sir. Only. Only what? (SIGHS) Well, they're not very strong. They could still do domestic work. But they're very ugly. Who would really want one in their house? (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHING) Penny! Hello, Susan. Oh, goodness. I've redecorated. Yes, I can tell. It's nice. It's... It's very... nice. (CHUCKLING) Oh, I brought you these. Fresh, raw sweetbreads, gizzards. Oh, thank you. That's lovely. Oh, sit down. Oh, I really can't stay. The house is for sale, and we're showing it today. You're moving. I know. We'll miss you too. We're just fed up with the city. We were in Coeur d'Alene last summer. You wouldn't believe how beautiful Idaho is. So clean. Anyhow, Susan...(SIGHS) This is really difficult for me. You know, some people have this stupid prejudice. I think it's terrible. But... we do have to sell our house. Yes? Please don't take this the wrong way. But could you keep Buck and Emily inside this afternoon? Inside? Oh, God, this is so hard for me. You see, some people come into a neighborhood, they see Newcomers... You understand? Yes, I understand. Get out of my house, Penny. And take this. You know this has nothing to do with how I feel. Just get out. Get out! I'm starved. There's cookies for you. I'm gonna get some ivy. Okay. Hey, Mrs. Francisco. Emily. What? Take the ivy from the backyard. I hate the ivy in the backyard. There's no snails. Emily, please! God, Mom, what's your problem? (GRUNTING) Have you read Darwin? He's on my list. Darwinian theory states that Homo sapiens evolved... from them. I can see that. I don't like zoos very much, to tell you the truth. Well, captivity... it's a little too close to home. I still think about being a slave every day. But I suppose that's not a bad thing. It helps me appreciate my freedom all the more. There's so much I wanna do, so much I wanna learn. This new world is so full of possibilities. We can have our dreams now. I'm sure it's a healthy thing... Susan reexamining her roots. It's just sometimes I feel Ahpossno manipulates her. Aha! You still think he's the Second Coming? "Second"? Matt, I have never met him before in my life. Albert, have you decided on the color of your wedding gown? I called the wedding off. How come? 'Cause May deserves better than a Number Four, an idiot. Oh, Albert. Hey... GEORGE: It's Ahpossno's fault. He reminded Albert that he's different. Oh. It's your fault too! What? Albert called off his wedding. Why is that my fault? "Albert, you call this a clean ashtray? The doorknobs are sticky. "Albert, brush my teeth." Hey, look. I only expect him to perform the basic duties of his job description. Yeah, yeah. I got your job description. Matt, SID's analysis of the fibers found under Kenny Bunkport's fingernails... contain a particular quartz silicate. Gaminite? ♪ (TENCTONESE) ♪ SUSAN: Emily, I want to talk to you. ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ I heard that back on Tencton, a warrior would have to fight for his serdso. That was the ultimate challenge, yes. In a duel... to take another's life and soul. Did you ever do that? I've killed, but never so nobly. Mom wants us to move away! What? She's in the kitchen. I'm not leaving my friends, my school, my mall! I'll go live with Jill! Susan... Penny came by today. She asked if we could stay inside... so we wouldn't scare off people who might buy her house. Penny's a fool. She always has been. It's not just Penny, George. They want to exterminate us. We don't belong here. We can paint the walls all we want, but we're never gonna make this our home. Where do you suggest we go? There are communities in the mountains just for Tenctonese. You want us to segregate ourselves? We'd be safe, George. And we wouldn't have to depend on humans. The world is too small. Everyone on this planet depends on everyone else! We tried living with Terts. It just doesn't work. We should live with our own, right? He's been in the desert for five years. What does he know? He hasn't been polluted by them. He is still Tenctonese. I see. When you were on Yderon mining oxmer, didn't you depend on other species? That was Yderon. SUSAN: What does that have to do with this? There were no oxmer mines on Yderon. I don't know who you are or where you came from... but I want you out of my house by tomorrow. BUCK: Dad! Tomorrow! Throwing Ahpossno out won't change anything. Look, it'll be okay. Every marriage has its ups and downs. You're divorced. Yeah, well, so I know about the downs. Here's your breakfast. Thank you, May. Here's yours. Thanks. Hey, I got something, George. That silicate gaminite... it's used in making ceramics. Closest ceramics factory is in the Mojave. A small town called Cantil. (SPITS) What is this? Oh, uh, marmot entrail. (SHOUTS IN TENCTONESE) Scrambled eggs. She's mixed up our orders again. Francisco, is this your pancreas? Probably Sergeant Gosling's. She always eats pancreas in the morning. May has fallen apart ever since Albert called off the wedding. You gotta do something about this. Me? All right, all right. I'll think of something. Matt, what was the name of that town in the Mojave? Cantil. A truck was found abandoned in Little Tencton. Registered to that missing rancher, Raymond Taylor. He lives in Cantil. (BIRDS CAWING) The last anyone saw Raymond was five days ago. Fred Nader over at the filling station sold him a tank of gas. He remembers, 'cause just a few minutes later, he saw that shooting' star. You know if Taylor knew a Kenny Bunkport? Did he often go into LA? Beats me. Matt, I wanna check that out. What? I don't see anything. Vultures. (VULTURES CAWING) Tire marks. Twelve inches. Same as Taylor's. Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! It's Taylor. (COUGHS) That's odd. Look at the broken ribs. Taylor was hit repeatedly under the arm. In the axilla. What's that mean? He was attacked as if he were a Newcomer. Why? Sure as hell don't look like one. No offense, partner. The murderer finally broke Taylor's neck. He could've used Taylor's truck to drive to LA, where he killed Bunkport. I got a suspect for you, George. Ahpossno. Comes out of the desert after five years, the same day Taylor's murdered. He would've needed clothing, transportation. Tries to kill Taylor, but he doesn't know about humans, so he finally breaks Taylor's neck. That's so circumstantial. Come on, Detective Two. He's a whatchamacallit... a... a Tenctonese samurai. He kills with his hands. And where did we find that dead Newcomer Bunkport? At the hospital, the first place we met Ahpossno. I'm gettin' SID Out here. In addition to that, human defenses will be easy to overcome. They have only primitive nuclear weapons... and chemical agents that don't affect us. While we're picking up the Tenctonese in Southern California... a second ship will begin human deportation... in these densely populated areas in India. This is a big mistake. The Tenctonese will never make good slaves again. Your humans...(LAUGHS) Your humans are worthless. You've argued against this from the beginning. Because we're settled. We have our families. We have our businesses. And I, for one, have no desire to climb back aboard a slave ship. You're an Overseer. You have your duty. As far as I'm concerned, those days are over. Excuse me. None of us can escape our duty. You all have your assignments. Contact the others. I'm leaving tomorrow to rendezvous with the mother ship and coordinate the operation. We'll return... in force. (TENCTONESE) Susan, is Ahpossno still here? He left. Did he say where he was going? No. Isn't it enough that he's gone? Our village. I was very little when I was taken, but still I remember. The quality of light... I just can't seem to get it. Susan, we can't go back. We're here now. That's gone. And you're not going to recreate it... be segregating yourself in a phony Tenctonese village. That's death, Susan. It's the loss of hope. I can't stop you if you decide to leave. But I won't go with you. It's against everything I believe. I have hope. (KNOCKING) Matt. Can I come in? Matt, nothing's changed. This is police business. Do you know where Ahpossno is? Isn't he at the Franciscos'? Not anymore. Do you have plans to see him? He's coming here tomorrow. I'm taking him to Edwards. He wants to see where the space shuttle lands. Did he leave any possessions here? No! I'm not gonna answer any more questions until you tell me what this is all about. Ahpossno is a suspect in a murder investigation. What? We think he's killed two people... a human and a Newcomer. How can you stoop so low? What are you talking about? Finally, after all this time, you decide that you want a relationship with me. Cathy... You're jealous of Ahpossno. You know he has feelings for me and that I have feelings for him. So you turn him into a murder suspect. You think I'd do that? I don't know what you're capable of. You're only human. You look me in the eye and tell me Ahpossno's on the square! Tell me he's got nothing to hide! Tell me you have no doubts about him! Get your hands off me! Matt... (CHATTERING) Everybody, may I have your attention, please? (CHATTERING STOPS) Thank you. Um, I have an announcement to make. As you've probably heard, Chief Amburgey has instituted a new award... the MVP, Most Valuable Player... uh, Person... to commend outstanding performance in the line of duty... particularly among support personnel. Deciding the first recipient was a difficult task... but the choice was inescapable. The first-ever All Precinct MVP Award goes to our own Albert Einstein. (APPLAUSE) (WHOOPING) Come on up here, Albert. Get your plaque. Now, this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. We all know that our station couldn't function without you. Thank you. Thank you. MAN: Nice job, Al. MAN 2: Way to go. Everybody back to work. Uh, listen, Al. Sometimes I get a little impatient... but it doesn't mean anything. That's just the way I am. Okay? Okay. Matt, where Taylor's neck was broken, they found Newcomer skin cells. I ran a tissue-type. It wasn't in the computer. So whoever killed Taylor never went through quarantine. Just like Ahpossno. Yeah. What do you make of that? SID Found it near Taylor's body. It's the symbol of the Chekkah. The what? An elite Overseer reconnaissance unit. So? There were no members of the Chekkah aboard our ship. How can that be? They're military personnel. They're never stationed aboard slave transport ships. Ahpossno must've just arrived. What are you talkin'... They sent him. He must've landed in the desert. That shooting star. They're coming to enslave us again! George? George! Cathy. The isolator you brought to the hospital... I never saw anything that advanced on the ship. The rash on your neck? Five years in the desert, and you never saw a human? You just landed here, didn't you? Why are you here? It doesn't matter. I'm going now, and I want you to come with me. No. (CAR APPROACHING) Put your hands up! Move away from her! This is 1 -William-152 requesting backup at 846 East Alameda. Get your hands up now! (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) (SHOUTING) (SHOUTING) Stop! Stop! Don't kill him! I'll go with you. (GAGGING) (BIRD CAWING) (TENCTONESE) Ahpossno... (TENCTONESE CONTINUES) Don't do this. You'll be free. You'll be with me. You've seen our life here, our chance at happiness. Don't let them take that away. I'm a soldier. I have my orders. Tell them that we're dead. Tell them not to come! No! Stay here. Live with us. I cannot change who I am. Neither can I. This is as far as I go. Cathy, I care for you. Come with me. I cannot be free if the others are slaves. Ahpossno! Ahpossno! You and I. For this. Keep your life. I don't want it. (TENCTONESE) Or does the Chekkah have no honor? Don't do this, George. He'll kill you! (GRUNTS) George... Well? (SPITTING) (SHOUTING) (SHOUTING) (GASPING) You owe me your life. (LABORED BREATHING) I will take your soul. (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) (CAR DOOR OPENS) Get away from her! (OFFICER SHOUTS) Police! Come back! I got a good shot! (SHOUTS IN TENCTONESE) Cathy! George! (BEEPING) (BEEPING) (BEEPING CONTINUES) (BEEPING INTENSIFIES) No! Why? I had him! I was gonna bring him down! Do you realize what you've done? Yes. Cathy. (TENCTONESE) I had to fight him. He had to take the serdso. It's filled with the virus. By the time Ahpossno reaches the mother ship, he'll be dead. They'll think it's this planet. They won't come. (LABORED BREATHING) (MAN SHOUTING IN TENCTONESE) (SHOUTING) Ahpossno! Ahpossno. Don't... go. (LABORED BREATHING) (SUSTAINED EXHALE) (SNIFFING) ♪ (TENCTONESE) ♪ In every marriage we celebrate the union of our spiritual ancestors... Celine and Andarko... and today, these four hearts shall be two. We celebrate the integration of our male and our female selves. Today we are reminded that we cannot live one without the other. This is not just the joining of two lives. It is a symbol of our universal marriage. For, in fact, all species are created one. We are one in essence. We are one in destiny. We must strive to see the creator in each of us... to recognize the creator in all things. Only thus can we have love and hope. Only thus will we survive. As part of the marriage ceremony... the bride and groom will place their serdsos... the symbol of their souls... into the karabla, the eternal ship... as they begin their life voyage together. Glenza. ♪ (MAN SINGING IN TENCTONESE) ♪ Okiana. ♪ (WOMAN SINGING IN TENCTONESE) ♪ And with the blessing of Celine and Andarko... and the power vested in me by the state of California... I now pronounce you wife and husband. (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Hey, Albert! (CHATTERING IN TENCTONESE) ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ WOMAN: Oh, Albert... (TENCTONESE) ♪ (CONTINUES) ♪ Albert. ♪ (ENDS) ♪ Sideshow Bob Roberts No sports, no rock No information For mindless chatter We're your station KBBL talk radio. Now Springfield's favorite conservative author of well-selling book Only Turkeys Have Left Wings ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow. That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot. He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity. Can you believe that? Yeah, switch the station. I consider myself politically correct. His views make me uncomfortable. No, no, no, guys. Now, I'm not very political. I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity. But for some reason, this Birch Barlow really speaks to me. Good morning, freedom-likers. Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government, the 51st state. You know, there are three things we'll never get rid of in Springfield: One, the bats in the public library. Two, Mrs. McFearley's compost heap. And three, our six-term mayor the illiterate, tax-cheating, pot-smoking spend-o-crat Diamond Joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate. Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask O reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed "tree-huggers" who'd rather play Hacky Sack than lock up the homeless. This sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house. I don't like him either but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project. You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects. Well, I'm doing a school project on fireworks. Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. Now, as a special sendoff and a way to say to our visiting Chinese principals Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. - Cool. - Cool. What a week. He promise a big firework display. - Bad student. - Bad principal. So, my friends, let's just junk those dumb-o-crats and their bleeding-heart smell-fare program. I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I can't take this anymore. Let's switch back. Let's go to the phones. First up is Bob from South Springfield. - Welcome to you, sir. - Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the "public" back to the Republican Party. It's time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Bible-Thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes. That sounds like Sideshow Bob. Yes, ma'am. Sideshow Bob, yakking it up on the old yak box. I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Bob is. Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her. Oh, Sideshow Bob. Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio. It's time for more dementia with Dr. Demento. And now the Funny 5... I meant your other mortal enemy. Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob? I'm only 10, and I already got two mortal enemies. And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants. What's in it for us? Give us something we like, or we'll ride you out of town on a rail. Well, what do you people like? - Sleep. - Sexy dames, and plenty of them. Matlock! Well, I suppose I could name it the Matlock Expressway. But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spiky-haired little simpleton. Myopic or, to say the least, intransigent. Now, you mentioned some woes there. Well, you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Attempted murder. Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they? Oh, really. Now, this is a personal call. Now, my friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here railroaded by our liberal justice system. Just like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel. Well, I've had it. I am gonna make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free. No! Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections. My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail. All right, you heard the man. One grenade each. Moe, I think he meant through nonviolent, grassroots political action. Oh, Jeez. Really? You think so? All right, give them back. Come on. Everybody, give them back. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one? Very well, if that is the way the winds are blowing let no one say I don't also blow. Free Bob! By special order of the mayor of Springfield you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger. - Boat's on the other side. - Yes, thank you. Hail, brothers. Now, then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us. If we hope to defeat Joe Quimby we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy. A true leader who will do exactly as he's told. Monty, I'm way ahead of you. If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. - What did it say? - No, no. Bob. Bob, come in. A fine mahoq to you all. Why, he's even better. I agree. I like the human touch. I want you on your best behavior for this choreographed media event. There is to be no wising off no face-making and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph. - Yes, sir. - Hello, children. Hello, Bart. Friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused about your school system. Do you know what he does? He flip-flops. Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He wants to sell your future short. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We'll have to stoop to the lowest common denominator. I can do that. Help! I'm being attacked by things. Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. More important than coal? Yes. Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Stay out of Riverdale. Without Mayor Quimby Our town would really stink We wouldn't have a tire yard Or a mid-sized roller rink We wouldn't have our gallows Or a shiny Bigfoot trap It's not the mayor's fault That the stadium collapsed Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. Paid for by the Mayor Quimby Committee. Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby. Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby. This time, he's the lesser of two evils. Yeah, yeah, I love Grimby. Could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude? All right. The mummy's ready for his mystical journey. What's happening? That Quimby fella promised to build us a Matlock Expressway. How you gonna top that, smart guy? Well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes. Hot diggety damn. Me first! Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then. Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow. Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor. The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield mayoral debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now a word to our audience. Even though we're being broadcast on Fox there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there. Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules. Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Wynan says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan ought to do more thinking and less whining. - There's no Councilman Les Wynan. - Good line, though. Mayor Quimby, you are well known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths. You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob. - What is your question? - My question's about the budget. I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. Well, he framed me for armed robbery but, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob, 100 percent. For Joe Quimby, 1 percent. And we remind you, there is a 1-percent margin of error. All right, let's go live to Bob headquarters now for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech. And just look how happy he is. It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes. So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons. Homer, we've got to stop them. I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigager and no one in my family's gonna stand for it. Move your goddurn house, son. Bart, by special request of the mayor's office, you are going to be left back. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Well, yes. But not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Kindergarten? Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? - Triangle. - Very good, Bart. You have first choice of toys for free play. Cool. I call the Flintstone phone. I like talking to you. We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls. I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few. Here you go. The results of last month's mayor election. All 48,000 voters and who each one of them voted for. I thought this was a secret ballot. Okay, Aaron A. Aaronson voted for Bob. Aaron L. Aaronson voted for Bob. Arthur B. Ablabab voted for Bob. Whoever wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight? This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie Comics. Stuck-up Riverdale punks. Think they're too good for me. You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views conflict with my choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name. Edgar Neubauer. Find him, and you'll find your answer. No Edgar Neubauer. This is hopeless. They're gonna demolish our house for sure. We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford 6 dollars a night. Hey. Lis. Lis, come here. I found him. I found Edgar Neubauer. Oh, my God. The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican. No, Bart. Don't you see? Dead people can't vote. Look, "Prudence Goodwyfe. Died, 1641." She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look. Mr. And Mrs. Bananas, Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty, please, not you too. All right, Bob, now it's personal. Hey. He did try to kill me. Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not. Kids, help. Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way, they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent motel pillows. Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am. I have a plan. I think we can trap him. You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. - Indeed, I am. - Because we all know you're a naive pawn, puppet, if you will of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known: Birchibald T. Barlow! Wait... You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? - You were just Barlow's lackey. - You were Ronnie to his Nancy. - Sonny to his Cher. - Ringo to his rest of the Beatles. Enough! Lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards? - We want the truth. - You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities. - Will you get to the point? - Yes. Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it. Here, just look at these. Each one a work of Machiavellian art. - But why? - Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king. That's why I did this. To protect you from yourselves. Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run. - Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest. - What? Oh, yes, all that stuff I did. Bart, we did it. Now we get to keep our house and you get to go back to the fourth grade. Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with. - The spoon, Bart. - Of course. Someday, I'll have my vengeance. Someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool. - Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. - Bob, come along. We need an eighth to row against the Princeton alums. Princeton? Stroke. Stroke. Subtitles by SDI Media Group [ENGLISH] Dinner time. Open the door. Open up! Hurry up and open up! Open up! Open up! - Open up! - Who is it? Senior. What happened to you, Senior? - Our old master has passed away. - Master's dead? Before he died, he said he wanted you to be his successor and have the Magic Lyre. He didn't want the other martial arts men to fight for it. There's no time, take the lyre and leave. They're coming. Run! Listen to me, I've been in seclusion for many years. I don't want this life any more. I won't take the lyre. My men and I are not skillful enough. Nobody can play the lyre. We're not qualified to be the successor. Tung Fong Pak, the betrayer of the Tin Lung Sect, wants it too. I managed to escape the slaughter, so you and I are the only members of the sect left. If you don't protect this lyre, then our sect will cease to exist. Snow, don't be naughty. Father, I want to be a martial arts leader. - Junior, promise me. - Senior, don't be like that. Lun. Wong Tung, hand over the lyre or we'll kill you all. Senior, give them the lyre. Junior, if you don't promise me, I'll go and fight them. - Senior, calm down! - Forget about me. I'll risk my life! Senior, no matter what, I have to give them the lyre. No! Go! Mum... Don't make me! Tung, stop the killing. Give them the lyre for the children's sake. - Father! - Tung! Take the lyre! Lun. Hurry! Hurry! Snow, take the lyre. Lun! Mum! Mum! Mum, help! Tung, hurry! I'm scared. - Mum! - Wife! - Go now. - I want to follow you. Protect the Magic Lyre. Give us the Magic Lyre. - Father! - Go! Give me the lyre. - Hand it over! - You have nowhere to go! Give me the lyre. Give me the lyre. - Don't make me. - Give me the lyre, or I'll kill you! - Give it to me. - Give it to me. Chai Fook. - Miss. - Prepare the carriage. Yes, miss. Dear friends, I, Lui Ten Hung, have been a security guard for 30 years. The young always replace the old. It's time for me to retire now. I'd like you to be my witnesses. Mr Lui, where is your son, Lui Lun? He's on business. He's on his way home now. Follow me to court. Take them to court. - Thank you very much. - I caught the suspects! Right. Mr Lui, you caught them just now. But I'm taking them, so thank you. You've been taking advantage of me recently. I want the reward, just like you do. You're wrong. I just hate thieves who rob security guards. My father wants to retire because of these robbery cases. Retire? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Your son will be back for such an important ceremony. Forget it, time's up. Let's start now. Congratulations, congratulations... You're retiring. Thank you, thank you for coming. Now, my son Lun will be in charge of the Flying Tiger Security Company. Mr Lui, it's reasonable for your son to take over your company. But he can't take the name, "The Number One Security Guard". Yes, he's not qualified. Everyone... That name was granted according to ability. I hope Lui Lun will be like me and get the name back. Alright, to be fair, I'll take it down first. That's right. No way. Father, that's yours. It has hung here for so long. How can you take it down so easily? Lun. Father, you've retired. Let me handle the company's affairs. Do you think I'm not worthy of having this sign? If I don't get some big business within three days, never mind the sign, I'll close down my company, too. You're talking rubbish. Rubbish? Maybe someone will give me some big business! I God helping nme too? It's good that you're all here. My master has a job. Does anyone dare to take it? The pay will be 20,000 taels. What kind of job is it? Tell us. Chai Fook, you needn't tell them My master said you would be too scared if I told you. - I'll do it! - Give it to me! Give it to me. If I fail, I won't take a penny. If there is any loss, I'll compensate. How can you do that? Father, I've got it. How can you compete with me? A six-finger mark! What's inside? The Magic Lyre. The Magic Lyre? Too afraid to fight me, right? I haven't disappointed you, have I? - You can't accept this job. - Why? Either you may get hurt, or your family could be ruined. What? Where should I take this lyre? Escort it to So Chau, hand it to Hon Suen directly. Hon Suen of the Tin Chong School? I've gathered you here to discuss something important with you. Ghost Master, what has made you so nervous? Fire, don't be anxious. Let's wait for Tung Fong Pak and Ha Ching Fa. There's no point. My father says that not many people respect you. Just tell us now, I don't have much time. What? You little boy! How dare you be that impolite? We only let you sit here out of respect for your father. Do you think I want to sit with you? I'm only here for my father's sake. Can I speak? Can you make the decisions? I don't know. It depends on the occasion. If necessary, I'll ask my father. You know nothing about the real world. Who do you think you are? I'm telling you, you're not needed here. You may leave. Tell your father he has nothing to do with this either. You're kicking me out? If you don't leave, I'll kill you. Go! You heard him. He kicked me out, but I wasn't disrespectful. I'll tell my father. Children these days are too much! Ha Ching Ha and Tung Fong Pak haven't shown up yet. What do you think? We can forget about Ha Ching Fa, but we better wait for Tung Fong Pak. Nonsense. Why do we have to wait? It that really necessary? Master Six Fingers, it's wise to gather more ideas. You only show respect for him. 16 years ago, you followed his instruction to attack Wong Tung. That's how we lost the Magic Lyre. I miss you. What have you been doing? Einar's been teaching me how to drive his truck. - Now, why... don't you go see what Nina's got in the kitchen for a special? Ok? Ok. Would you care if I took her camping? - Thanks for bringing her in, Einar. Did she say "driving"? - It's a ranch. She's 11. - I know, I know. But she's a good girl. Good kids don't get that way by accident. Is that a compliment? - It's just the way it is. What else you been teaching her? I don't know enough... to know what to... teach a girl. What I'm saying... is if you want to come back to the ranch, that's... That's gonna be ok. Maybe tomorrow then, when you get back. Tomorrow would be fine. I think camping would be great. She'll love that. Do you want all of these? - Yeah, all of them. Hold on to those. What's the medicine for? - When we get that bear in the cage, I'm gonna give him a shot. That way he can sleep all the way up the mountain. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. - Jesus Christ, Gary. How are you? God, you look great. I thought you left town. - Well, I wanted to see you. You know I miss you. I don't want you here, Gary. Can't you understand that? It must be nice for Griff living up here with her grandfather. Country living and all. Of course, it's not for you. Just give it up, Gary. I'm not coming back to you. Can we just at least sit down and have a drink or some kind... Offer me a coffee. Or something. It's pretty country up here. I might stick around awhile. We're gonna get caught. - These are government guys we're stealing this from. They went home to dinner a long time ago. I thought you said we were borrowing it. - As long as I pay my taxes, it's the same thing. Ok. Now scoot on over and get ready to back up. Go on ahead, easy. Come on. Oh! Ok. Here. Hold that still. When I tell you, you start cranking. - Ok. I'm a little bit scared. - That makes two of us. Start cranking. Ok, now get in the truck. Come on. Einar! Einar, I'm sorry. - Get behind me. Get in the truck. Walk slowly and don't look right at him. Get in the truck! Go on. Look here. Einar! Are you ok? I think the bear tore at me. I think we better get me to a hospital. Sorry. Hello? What? No, I was just... pulling the loft door down, you know... to keep the bats out, because once those bats get in the rafters... Then you can't hardly get them out. And that's when he fell. - Right, that's when I fell. It's just dumb. What the hell was I doing? - Let's try this again, Einar. Oh, no. I hit the gearshift. I didn't mean to. - It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You did everything just right tonight. As well as your dad could have done. I guess God kept me alive to bring her into the world. But every day, I wish... I wish it was me that died in that car instead of Griffin. I wish you both had lived. I was falling down drunk the night that Mitch got mauled. That's why I couldn't get the bear off him before I did. He never said anything about it. - He never would. You. I'm not just gonna lie-down here. Just keep going. Heard you made one hell of a fall, Einar. You're lucky you only cracked two ribs. It was the soft part of the yard. Am I finished? - Not yet. I'm gonna keep you here, make sure your spleen is ok. - I'm fine. I'll check back on you this afternoon. - So you can double bill me? Seems fair to me. You are twice the trouble. Let's give it a day or two. I'm not giving him a couple of days. Einar. Ok? Yeah, I'm fine. I've gotten clumsy. - Mitch. Mitch, we set the bear free. I know. Thank you. You want me to run some breakfast out to Mitch? - No. Usually coffee is enough for him in the morning. You know... She could go to school here. It's not a bad school. Jimmy. Stay there! What do you want, Gary? - It's time to come home, baby. I love you, Jean. You love me? That's what your love feels like. - Bitch! Mom! - Don't you hit me! Don't you hit me! Mom, are you ok? - No! Let her go, Gary! - Are you coming or staying? Hey! Take your hands off her! - What the hell? Get in the car! Get in there! Griff, get out of the car. - Griff! Goddamn it, Griff! - Mom! Come on! Mom! Mom! That's enough, Einar! You leave her alone. Now come on here. Come on, get. Get out of here. Get away, you greedy little bugger. She didn't do anything to you. That's Mitchell. He's a boy. Yeah. Come on. Get out of here. Paloma. Paloma, Nebraska. What about you, Mitch? You know anything about this? - About what? So you don't know anything about it? I just drove him home from the hospital. Hello, Officer Curtis. - Good afternoon there, Griff. Einar. Would you stay for lunch today? - Yeah, I might. I've got to speak to your grandfather for a second, though, first. Heck, it can wait. Let me grab that for you. So how was she today? Looks good? - Yeah. I think it might rain today. No, it's gonna stay warm. - I said it might rain. Would you bury me next to Griffin? Don't you think you ought to die first? It's gonna happen, you know. - Where else do you think I'd bury you? That's where my family lies. Do you think the dead really care about our lives? Yeah, I think they do. I think they forgive us our sins. I even think it's easy for them. Griff said you had a dream about flying. Yeah. I got so high, Einar, I could see where the blue turns to black. From up there, you can see all there is. And it looked like... There was a reason for everything. Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player We're cruising through remote and absolutely breathtaking section of the pacific. Crystal clear water that is home to one of the most spectacular natural wonde of the world. The island paradise of Palau. It is a unique landscape featuring hundreds of lush islands magnificent coral reefs and an underwater sanctuary of sea life like no other. Sharks Mantereys Giant Clams and literally millions of jelly fish, but this paradise has an infamous history. These waters were home to Some of the most fierce Battles of World War II and The remnants of war haunt thise jungles and litter the ocean floor in a watery grave. It is an eerie mix of man's explosive past and nature's power to reclaim. For the first time ever There are 20 survivors. They have been set adrift with only the clothes on their backs and one canteen of water each. Everything they have come to Expect about the way this game begins will soon be wiped out. 39 days 20 people One Survivor. Welcome to "Survivor Palau." Just behind you. That beach is your new home. Waiting for you, you will find two machetes, one map to water, along with the most valuable thing in this game, Immunity. There are two immunity neck laces One for the first woman, one for the first man Who can get to shore and claim them. How you get to shore is up to you. You're still about a mile out. Can you paddle in, can you start swimming, a little of boat. You are all and your own. It is your choice, but I suggest you make a decision And start acting now because this game is on. Paddle. Good luck. Jeff is a son of a bitch. Tell you that. Hell, I thought we was going to get some breakfast food and water something hell no. I knew he was gonna say something like that and he's going to say the game is on. Something was telling me We was pretty much in trouble. As we were rowing about and getting closer and closer to the beach, Everyine was thinking should I jump out. Should I swim to the shore, should I try to beat the boat? The fight was on immediately. And then people said I'll take your spot rowing in the back and other people were whispering and wondering own is that because they want to be at the back of the boat So that when the boat gets close to shore they can run off. "Survivor! And we can find the food!" "Survivor! ~~~~~~" As we're sitting there on a really hot day rowing the boat and this lunatic jumps up and starts singing a song. I wanted to knock her off with the oar. "Survivor, and we can take~~~~" I am the first though that's so cute, Wanda is singing and she kept going and going and going and everybody is like is she going to stop? We are survivors. I've written a bunch of songs for survivor and I'm all about this being one big party as long as it lasts. As we were slowly rowing in, I was, like, I think it's close enough. I'm going to jump. I'm going to swim so I'm a pretty good swimmer. I figured we could beat the boat. It didn't seem like we were moving. I'm going. Stephenie said I can't take it, I'm going to jump in, and, of course, I was, right behind her. I'm outta here. Watch out for the oar. I got in and like every two strokes there went the boat and I'm like oh, my god That's the dumbest thing I've ever ton. If we get off, can we get back on? What were your names Again? Oh, my god. Bad idea, I guess. When Stephenie and Jonathan dove in the water everyone was like you don't want to be the first one to dive in God! That is a gigantic target on your head. We were all excited Because we wanted to jump And start swimming But we didn't and we kept waiting And waiting and waiting. the competitive nature in me was like you've got to take off your shoes and go. Good job. I got the immunity neck lace. I was not going to get that little young girl beat me. Good job. Nice to meet you. what was your name again? --Jeff. --Ian. Ian was the first one up there. Get his ass up there, skinny Boy. That's a fast little buggar. I don't even know if we have a tribe because I notice the banner just says "Survivor Palau." It doesn't have any tribe name on it. One map, and we're all together. Because you have never seen the game start this way with 20 people, you get a little - - I found myself getting a little paranoid. We're not a tribe. We don't have our buffs. We just get to know everybody's names. I'm Jolanda. Oh! You guys out there! Something is going to happen. We can't remain a group of 20. It's a big question mark. We don't have a clue what's happening next. All right. Everybody let's up. Think about what wants to get water? Who wants to do shelter? --I'll do shelter. --I'll do water. Okay. Water people. we've got one, two, three, Four and Coby is five. Okay. --Sound like a good plan? --Say what? Five people look for water and 15 start on the shelter. Yeah! When we got on the beach, There was such a blur with all the immunities just the craziness of being dropped off but actually I think we got to things fairly quickly. Saw the map to the water source and started thinking about shelter and food. A group of four broke off to get water, and everybody else stayed with shelter. It was very quick. It happened very fast. "Survivor~~~." We are survivors. --You okay? --Yeah. You know,it was funny. Everybody is just walking around in different directions. Let's get the water. Let's build a shelter, and you just got to watch that,you know. I had a few people try to wrangle mento doing the fire. and I'm just like that's a losing job, man. All right. Get this going. Oh. I'll get some more sticks. Do we have a strong man here? Come on. Hercules, hercules... We came out with the clothes we had on and were taken by surprise that we couldn't have the clothes we thought we were going to have with us. It was really difficult I know for a lot of people but there's been great modifications to it. Don't like hack like a saw. I made shorts back in the day. Oh, gosh, chopping things off left and right, pants are falling off and skirts are getting a little bit gher and shirts are getting tied up. I tied up mine earlier but decided to stop for now. Trying to find the middle. What's that? The big rocky thing. Yes it is.We found it. WoWo~ Yes! What else? We were so excited to get to the water. Coby! What the hell is this? Shoes! So we finally found the water source, and also found a bag of everybody's shoes Which was really nice to take back into camp like look no more stelettos,we have real shoes. Can't yet young good looking people have all the power. That's for sure,I think. --There's a lot of them. --Yeah! Me and Coby pretty much knew when we saw each other that we were going to be kindred to one another Because we understood being different. We understood being ostrazed. I have to say I had a sigh of relief when I saw you to realize I wasn't going to be the weirdest one here. I am in a loving way. I thought I was going to totally be lost. You can tell that Angie and I are from the same cloth we think it may different. Outcasts and we'll both have to watch it when it comes to the context of the game. Because if we're too much of an outcast, obviously it's going to make us a target. How do we get that up there? I don't know. Tom! What were you thinking of this? I got this up here. Actually what we're going to need is, we're going to need somebody to get up here And start putting these cross pieces. The boys really got together and they used we used one big tree as our base for our shelter, and then they put reeds up, And they said well we need it up at top. So I offered. My god. Nice job. Watch it. There you go. I'm loving you already. Okay. I don't know if it was a good thing or bad thing but I wanted to help and I figured my rock climbing skills would help so I climb that had puppy like a monkey And I did what I could. Come on, sucker. Where's the sun? Beating down on me all day long. I think it is like 2:30. --Do you believe this? --I know. It's amazing. what are you thinking? Ian, me, you? Just an early something here? We might all be split torrow, but fwlmpt I'm in with that with you guys --Because we would be strong. --The whole thing could be reshuffled. Yeah! Absolutely. Grasshoppers have protein. Whoa! I just ate my first grasshopper. Oh, my god. You want to knock off threats? We don't know how the game is going to play off after that. Are you not leaning towards any of the girls? Honestly. I - - I'm not leaning towards anyone. Really leaning towards Jonathan. The one that jumped in the water. Though he worked so hard today. Everybody is working hard really when you look tat now, I mean, in their own way. I don't real connect with him. I don't think I said anything to him the whole time I don't think he's talked to me either. Everybody's assumption at this point is that we're all basically screwed because we all think we have tribal council like now. We aren't even know if we're going to be on the same team. That's why you've just got to go for today. Right. But that could change tomorrow. So we thought we had three days of at least getting to know everybody. We don't know if we have that so everybody's security has been blown so everybody is freaking out. --Yeah. --Whoa. I've testify knitly gone To different groups all day today and said who are you going to vote for? Really? That's interesting. What about voting for this person? What about Jonathan? Hmm, good, and as long as I do it subtly You go ,boy! And sneak it in there, you can change their minds because at this point everybody doesn't want it to be them. Good morning, everybody. Good morning! What's going on, guys? Hey, how you doing? How you doing there,Jeff? What's up. --Here we go. --We've got a visitor. What's up? Jeff. How are you. How is everybody doing? Big group. Anxious to know what's happening? Yeah! All right. So Jolanda and Ian, you guys were the first to the beach. Who was the first person? Ian. All right. Ian take a spot right over here. Jolanda right over here. --Getting a little uncomfortable over here? --Yeah! A little nervous now. How does that immunity feel, Jolanda? Feels good. Ought to feel real good. The immunity neck laces that you are wearing guarantee. That you'll stay in the game for at least ten more minutes. Which cannot be said for the other 18 of you. We're going to divide into two tribes with nine members each, that's 18 people. There are 20 of you. Two people will not be selected to be on a tribe. Two people will get on a boat immediately and be sent home. Ian and Jolanda you will make the first picks, Alternating between men and women. Each time you choose a person that person will choose the next member of the tribe. Ian, because were you first to the beach you will select first. You're picking a girl. Okay. Katie. Jolanda, you're picking a guy. Bobby Jon. Good choice. So Ian and Jolanda, Your work is done. The person you pick will now pick. Katie, you're picking a guy. Tom. Bobby. Stef. Tom, you're picking a woman. I'm going to take Janu. Janu still in the game and relieved. Steph, you're picking a guy. Jeff. Jeff, you're going to make it to at least the first challenge. Janu, you're picking a man. Gregg. Janu, you look upset. No, it's just kind of weird. You don't do this a lot. Jeff, you're picking a girl. Kim. Kim stays in the game. Gregg, you're picking a woman. Jenn. Kim, you're picking a guy. James. Jenn, you're picking a guy, tough decision. Getting down to it. Coby. James. Ashlee. Coby, you're picking a woman. Caryn. Caryn,how does that feel. That be stand there over there. What's going on do your head? This not good feeling,Jeff! It's better to on this side. Ashlee, you're picking a guy. Ibrehem. You each have one pick left. Got to pick one guy and pick one girl. In doing so you're going to pick the final members of your tribe and effectively vote out two people from this game. How you feeling, Wanda? It's been an awful long time since my heart pounded this fast. Jonathan, how you feeling? My heart is beating, I thought I was gonna be picked before this. Okay. It is time to make the final selections. Caryn, you're picking a guy. Make your decision. Willard. Willard stays in the game and Jonathan is out of the game. Ibrehem, you're picking a woman. Make your decision. Angie. Angie stays in the game. Wanda is out of the game. Tough to say, but, guys, It is time for you to go. Right past me you got a boat waiting out here. Go get it, Wanda. Go get it, Jonathan. Come on, now. I love you, too. Sing a song! "Survivor!" "We're going to be the Survivors" We've got the energy and heroes we will be again Have a good one,guys. Bye! I was really, really sad. But that's all right. I'm gonna wipe my tears and refocus. That's in the past. It's a whole new game. All right. Let's hand out the buffs. Yeah! All right. you guys are Ulong. You will wear blue. Your tribe kroro. You will wear brown. Okay. So you're now two tribes. Ulong, kroro, two tribes still living together on the same beach. What? Head on back. --Get out of here. --Have a good day. That's the best. I'm so relieved. I really want to pick you. Hello, team. It's definitely going to be weird, all staying on one beach together though. It's still coming through. It hurts to be picked last. I felt horrible being picked last. I didn't think that I was going to be picked last. How many girls we have,Five? I thought 100% that Coby was going to pick me. five and four. I don't feel like I'm on the tribe that I should be on. So there's no kindred feelings with my tribe. I'm the odd all man out. Never had anything against yeah, ever. Guys, if there's any sort of competition that they are trying to put into this game already, Ones that start into that. No, no, no. Our average age is higher But let's try to weaken them When it comes to physical stuff. I'm all together very, very happy. I wanted a wise tribe, if I had the opportunity to pick. A little bit of the older Folks which I really like and we're up against some of the young bucks. You compare the tribes and you see a definite difference. They come to you and say listeno and so on your team was talking about you, They are just trying to break us up. I love everybody on the same! We definitely have some kind of advantage. I don't care which say. You know smarts in it, too, But Athletics is going to play a part in it also. Come on in, guys. You guys ready to get to the challenge? Yeah! It's both reward and immunity. Here's now works. Both tribes are going to compete head-to-head in a jungle obstacle course. You'll make your way through a net maze and then a series of tires. You'll reach a covered supply dump where you'll find a set of paddles you must take tied to four. Survival items you can choose to take or leave behind. Fire in the form of flint, two cans to carry water, flour and rice for your food and a tarp for shelter. But the crates that these items Are in have been weighted to make them very he have toe carry. Untie all of your items. Continue through the course Carrying the items, you'll go up and over a wall, Through a jungle swamp. When you reach your canoe drop the items you chose to take with you, get in the canoe, paddle out to the flag and race back to shore. First tribe to get back mat With all nine tribe members and tribe colored flag wins immunity and all the items they carried to the mat. Keep in mind you can only win the items that make it all the way to the finish. It becomes a choice. You want to win to guarantee yourself immunity but you want to win as many items as possible. Now let's get to immunity. Ian, Jolanda, you can take those off. Like I said, those guaranteed you stay in the game ten more minutes. So those ten minutes are over. This is what you covet now, Immunity, the only thing that keeps you safe in this game is this. As long as you have it. You can't be voted out. Take your spots and wait for my go. Here we go. For immunity and reward, Survivors ready. Go! Tom with a big head start. Neck and neck right now. Tom the first one over for Koror Followed by Gregg. Here comes Jeff for Ulong. Come on, come on, come on. There's Ian for Koror. We're tight. There's Jenn. Got a bit of a lead. Here comes Caryn,Koror. Ulong in one fell swoop catches up. Come on, let's go, guys. Ulong moving on. Koror,go! Up and over, however you want. --Neck and neck still. --Come on. Startulling those off. You've got to move all your items to the mat before you can start untying. Get that last item Koror. Ulong start untying. This is where you make your first decision, are you going to take all your items or not. Just the fire,right? Koror working together well. Koror very close. Koror is free. Koror is leaving their food and their water, taking only their fire with them. You guys, come on! We've got to go. We're gonna lose. No, we're not gonna lose. They are gone. We're out of here. Then,if we don't get anything,we don't have anything. I'm telling you, I think we should go. You guys, we have got to go. Ulong, keep it moving. Koror first to the wall. Two people push me.I thaught One, two, three. Come on. This way, this way. Come on, you got it,Ulong. Get out of the way. Here comes Ulong right on your tail. Koror having trouble getting Willard over. Ulong brought food and water did not bring fire, Interesting strategy. Koror is up and over. Koror go. Ulong really struggling. Koror making their way through the swamp with a big lead. Ulong finally over the wall. Koror first to their canoe. The strategy was to only bring fire and it's working so far. At last,get your flag. Come on. Let's go,Ulong, keep it moving. You're still in this. Ulong, go! Paddle out. Hustle up, guys. Good paddlers might be able to catch them. Left side paddle backwards. Koror still with a big with a big lead. That's right side. That's good, that's good. All right. Go! We're going the wrong way. Ulong. The flag is that way. It was the wrong way.The flag is over there. Ulong is looking for another island. Go. Go. Go. Koror working together, Straight, strong, fast. Come on everybody. Come on! Come on... Ulong having a heck of a time paddling. Too many people on one side. frustration setting in for Ulong. --We're going to get it. --Wow! Ulong wins immunity and reward! Yeah! Wow! All right. Koror, nice strategy. You chose to only bring fire. You can boil water with that. You can cook food with that. Okay. Here's immunity. Yes, yes, yes! You are safe from the vote tonight. One other decision. Because you won, you get a choice. The two tribes will no longer be living together on one beach. You can either go back to what you know and the shelter you help build, or this is a map to a new unknown beach where you can start fresh. I see a beach we already saw. Let's see something new. New venture. We'll take our chances. Give up what you know for the unknown. Yeah. Here's the map to your new home. Yeah! Ulong, good news is you're going home. You're taking your outrigger canoe with you. Bad news is you'll get much needed practice when you paddle to tribal council tonight and officially vote out the first member. Get your stuff and head on out. After the challenge, We were so excited. We won immunity, and we won the stuff we needed to make the fire. Sort of the underdog, Winning that was huge for us. Oh, my god. Bad idea I guess. This wave came and we went over. I don't know what the deal was with, you know, who was leaning what way or what, But I think it was just a combination of all forces And we just went down All of the supplies to make fire Were in this heafey steel container that went straight down. It was just like did this really happen? I thought I saw something But, hell, I don't know. It maybe right there We were so elated, The ride back in the canoe. We were just loving life, Couldn't wait to see the new beach and all this happened and we're crushed right now. We don't have the water. We don't have the flint to start the fire, So boil the water and purify it. We lost everything we won today. We're in a worse scenario Than we originally had. We lost the challenge, And we lost pretty hard. The other tribe outplayed us And outwitted us completely. You know what? We didn't make start decisions. They were smart. They took just the fire. The coconuts will sustain us for 39 days if we have to, Understand that. I'm not going to allow anyone to be negative. Nobody needs to be negative. Ok,we don't have this. We've got everything we need. I know how things work. I'm not the strongest person,You know. People are going to choose Who doesn't fit in the best And who they think is a weak link. So I definitely think that I am a target. But when it comes to challenges. Physically,I know I'm stronger than most of their dudes. We'll keep what we'll do Angie. we got to get the other guys to go in on it. I've got to talk to Stephenie. If we have issues we need to work them out. Okay. My vote will be for Angie, Not because I don't like her but she is a person that must be voted off in order for our team to be as strong as it can be. So you think Angie. I think we need to keep the men. We're keeping the men. We can't lose any of our guys which, I mean curiously, I could be voted off. I don't want to be voted off. I think the team needs me. We need your strength. But I do have to say we should have left her earlier. Yeah! You're right. I know that you're just a complete go-getter, and that's why you wanted to get everything, and I understand that. So I guess Angie. Okay. Ok! You, too. Absolutely. Nervouss hell about tribal. Wish I wasn't going tonight. We made a dumb mistake and I don't think we should be going tonight but we are, and it's because of one person I feel. Part of the reason we lost the challenge is because we didn't leave soon. She wanted everything. I don't think we need to get rid of her. I'm not gonna vote for her. Stephenie is thinking Jolanda is the reason We lost the challenge but that woman has a lot, a lot of Strength. I think she can still help us out. I don't know where she's hurt us just yet. Who do you want to vote for? I think Angie right now. --Abgie is not bad! --Yeah! All right. --I'm sorry. This sucks. --That's good! I'll go with you. Ok,news flash. This is something that I noticed. For every two hours that we work We're going to rest for at least an hour, okay? It is time for us to get focused, kick butt and take names. Jolanda is a strong personality. She is not a team player. I didn't know that that's how you guys felt. I thought I was the only one. Are you down with that? Are you? Because I'll be piss federal everybody changes their mind. I'll hold it against you for life. She says we're voting out Jo, are you in? I was like, How yet I'm in,like I'am think I the one out. I know how today went. You don't think I remember exactly the order in which we got picked for tribes? I don't trust anyone in this tribe, but if I can at least make it past this one I'll be happy. Behind each of you is a torch. Find your torch, dip it in and get fire. This is part of the ritual of tribal council. In this game fire represents your life. As long as you have fire, You're still in the game. When your fire is gone, so are you. Have a seat. Well, welcome to your first Tribal Council. I know you don't want to be here. Stephenie, what's been the biggest surprise first three days? The biggest surprise, oh, God, starving, can't get fire. We're so thirsty. We were together as one and now we're separated. We formed bonds and now they are gone and we don't know what's coming next. It's been really tough. James, happy with this tribe? I am. This is a damn fine tribe. Everybody in here is tough. They are young. They got a lot of energy, a lot of testosterone. We're gonna win some matches. We just didn't do it today. Jeff, let's talk about the strategy of today's challenge, because it was about making a choice. Yeah. And it seems as though you guys have a very strong tribe, but it was brains that beat you today. Would you agree? Yeah. We've got the strength. We all have he endurance. There's just a couple of key times that we just messed up And, you know, we lost time Trying to get everything we possibly could and get running with it, and it wasn't going to happen. So, James, let me be clear. You didn't even bring fire. oh, hell no, we should have. You did not take fire. Dumb ass. Well, we tried to get it but it was last and then when we realized we just lost a tremendous amount of time we said, okay, just take the other stuff. Ashlee, is there a leader on this tribe yet? Jeff, I think that is the only thing that's holding this group back is that we have yet to come together As a group and decide who is going to lead our group right now. Jolanda, can this group lead itself as a group? No. We need somebody to make a unilateral decision. I mean, I would like, if I Could, to help lead the team, But I also know that I have a very strong personality So that's been my biggest dilemma because I don't want for people to say, Oh, her personality is too strong. She's bossy. She's a witch. Angie, picked last, Tribe welcomed you, but now here we are at Tribal Council, and you were still picked last. Yep. How heavy is that weighing on your mind, or have you overcome that? It weighs very heavy on my mind. I mean, it's hard being picked last, but I think that I tried really, really hard at the challenge today, But I think definitely my head is going to be on the chopping block. You know, either there's things going on where somebody has somebody else In mind or it's going to be overwhelmingly be me. We'll find out. It is time to vote. Jolanda, you're up. Angie, I just don't think That we can be happy with losses. We've got to evaluate and move forward. It's nothing personal, But it's either you or I, And I don't want it to be me. I'll go tally the votes. Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote Angie. Jolanda. One vote Angie, one vote Jolanda. Angie. Two votes Angie, one vote Jolanda. Angie. That's three votes Angie, One vote Jolanda. Jolanda. Three votes Angie, two votes Jolanda. Jolanda. We're tied. Three votes Angie, three votes Jolanda. That's four votes Jolanda. First person voted out of "Survivor Palau," Jolanda. That's five votes. That's enough. You need to bring me your torch. Good luck, you guys. I watch you are win. Jolanda,the tribe has spoken. Time for you to go. Well, if there's one thing you should take away from tonight's tribal council, it should be this. You need to stop with the excuses and get a plan or you will be back here very soon. You're not going to be going back to camp with fire. You're going to earn that on your own. Go back to camp. Good night. Caption By DEAN From F6 -------------------------- Rearranged and Timeline By VERN From S-file F6 Reality ---------------------------- THE SUBTITLE FOR STUDY ONLY DO NOT USE IN COMMERCE ---------------------------- Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode. Next time on"Survivor." Oh, my god. There are three. Oh, no! koror questions the move to the new beach. Do you think there could be a worse beach than this? At Ulong,Jeff and Kim get cozy. And the search for flame intensified. The fire is the only thing that matters. I played this game and I don't think I would do anything differently. I mean, I am the oldest, And I think differently than my tribe. They are a lot more Happy-go-lucky than I am, But that's fine because this was a great adventure, And It's an experience that I think every one should try. And I don't agree anything will happen that here. Caption: Dean Sync: vern ' ' ' ' . '. . ' . .' . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' . ' . ' . ' . '..............' .. .. .. .:..:..:..:. ' ' ' ' ' ' .R: A: I: N. . '. . ' . .' . .R: A: I: N. . ':. : .:' . .R: A: I: N. ..:..:..:.. .R: A: I: N. ..:..:..:.. .:. .. .. .. .:. ..:..:..:.. .. .. .. Powered by .: ExitFOR :. Couple of years ago, I was with my family and We were spending some time, ah, in this cabin in the woods on the edge of this remote lake And I mean we were deep in the middle of nowhere. And one morning ah, my son Trace and I we woke up and set out to take a walk around the lake. It was one of those mornings, like not a cloud in the sky, and there's...the birds are singing and my son Trace he's about a little over a year old at the time. And so he's making all these little "turps" and squawks that one year old boys make backpacks and I had him in one of those hiking where he rode back here, so as I walk along I can hear him making all his noises. And so we head out through the woods to walk around the lake. And its just one of those... do you have those moments, like if you could just freeze them, just so beautiful. And we get to the other side of the lake and we're exactly at the half way point, where the furthest possible point from the cabin and were rounding the bend to head back and, and I look up and I notice clouds and then it starts to rain. It always rains, doesnt it? Its interesting because the scriptures say all sorts of things about rain and storms. When Jesus is teaching about what it means to live like the fullness of life in his kingdom. When Jesus speaks of it, he speaks of two different people. He speaks about person who builds her house on sand, someone who chooses to reject his teachings and someone, one who builds their life, their house on rock, who choses to build their life on Jesus teachings and in a metafore he uses is that of a storm that comes and the person who rejects his teachings and his truth, esentially the house built on sand just gets destroyed, but the house that's built on rock stands. So this idea, Jesus has, when the rains come, it's not like they might, they do. It rains in our lives, a lot. At first, there's a drop here and drop there and so I put Trace's hood over his head. But what I didn't know was that he pulled it off. And so gradually, the drops, they get bigger and bigger and they fall faster and faster and in no time it is pouring. I mean the kind of, the kind of rain that just soaks and plasters your hair against your head and the kind... just drenches your clothing and at first Trace, the thunder and lightning he's ok, but as it picks up and it gets louder and louder and the wind becomes more intense and the trees start to shake, Trace becomes more and more agitated, I can feel him, like Im my back and first he starts to whimper and then he, he lets out a kind of a little shout here and there, but in no time, Trace is shrieking at the top of his lungs. I mean, the wind is blowing, there's thunder and lightning and we're just getting plastered with this heavy rain and the trees are no longer providing any shelter and Trace just from like deep in his being starts to yell and cry so loudly and with such passion and terror in his voice. Its interesting cause if you'll take that word cry and you search the scriptures, you'll find this word comes up over and over again. Like even in book of Psalms, just the book of psalms, if you're like start reading through, it speaks over and over and over again of crying. Of crying out to God, and God says these amazing things like he says: "When you cry out to me, I listen" even says: "I cannot ignore the cry of somebedy who's aflicted." It's like If I'm hurting, lost, soaking wet, scared, confused, God says: "You cry out and I hear." God even says, that when you cry, hes close to the broken hearted. Hes close to those who cry out, that admit, they're scared, lost, soaking wet and confused. See there is this false, twisted idea out there among religious people, but somehow you've got to have it all together to have a relationship with God, like somehow, Gods only looking for people, who have no problems and who have it all nailed down and can put on like the happy face all the time, yet the scriptures speak directly against this kind of thinking. I mean Jesus is just straight ahead, when he says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laiden." I mean the essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting, I dont have it all together, its admiting: I am lost, I am hurting and this sinful nature that I carry arround with me, has really screwed things up for me and God if you dont show me the way home, if you don't fix things, if you dont step in, I am dying here. And this truth, this kind of thinking is all throughout the scriptures, its over and over again. God says to us: "you come to me!" Come to me, all you who junked!" Cover my problems, cover me all I screwed up, and all has stoped, all take me care of it. He says: "I am not looking for the healthy, I came for the sick." Its interesting if you think about the storm from Trace's perspective. For Trace the storm is his reality, he sees nothing else, the lightning and the thunder and the trees sway and the raindrops and the water just dripping off him, its all he knows, he sees no reality beyond the storm. What Trace does not realize, is that as his dad, I would do anything to get him home. Rain come down, come and heal these sores I stand clean, come and heal my soul, So at this point, Trace is shreaking at the top of his lungs in stereo right behind my head and I stop and I kneel down and I take him out of the pack and I pull him close to my chest and I wrapped my arms around him and I hold him so tightly up against my heart and for the last mile of our walk, the entire time, I bend over and I whisper into his ear over and over again: "I buddy. We're gonna make it. Dad knows the way home. Were gonna make it. I love you buddy." And over and over and over again. Through the storm I carry him home, clutched tightly against my chest. Whispering: "I love you buddy, were gonna make it." Now imagine, if like years later, Trace is in therapy or something and he drags up this repressed memory of The Walk. And he comes to me and hes like: "Dad, why youd let me go through that for, I've got all this junk inside, what did you... I thought you love me, how could you expose me "something" in that hopeless storm, I mean, why didnt you protect me?" I would be crushed, because for me, that walk was one of my deepest, most intimate memories of my life with my son. I wouldnt trade that experience for anything. Maybe youre bitter and you are all this anger inside, cause theres some things you've been through, some storms in your life and you are wondering if You really love me, if God really was there, he wouldn't let me go through that. And maybe God is saying: "No, don't you understand? I got to hold you tight, but I got to remind you over and over again: I love you buddy." Now as it says in the scriptures, in book of Deuteronomy, chapter one, Gods reminding to people of how good hes been to them and he say: "Remember, I carried you like a father carries a son." And now, may you, when you're soaking wet, lost, hurting and confused. May you cry out and may the creator of the universe, take you out of your path and may he hold you tight up against his chest, may he wrap his eternal loving arms arround you, may you hear him whisper: "I love you buddy, Were gonna make it. Dad knows the way home. Were gonna make it. I love you." Ready? Surprise! - Wow! - Isn't it great? It's... It's something. - You hate it. - No, no. I don't hate anything. It's just... The dining room and then the living room and, you know, when you rearranged the kitchen... I did kinda hate that. You complain about what a mess it is. Yeah, I know, but it's an attic, and it's supposed to be messy. It's not that I don't appreciate you helping around the house, because I do. It's just... It's just a little much. Well, you know, I just... shuffled some things around. "Shuffled"? You call this shuffling? Honey, you built things. You hung things. You bagged things. I mean, what is this? Those are corks. You know, for the potion bottles. - Leave 'em out and they get brittle. - That doesn't seem like overkill? - I'm just trying to help. - I know, honey, and that's very sweet. But, you know, I kinda liked the attic messy. I knew where everything was. - Where did you find that? - Under some blankets. Why? I just... I haven't seen it in years. - Is it wet? - Well, it needed some touch-ups. - Have you gone crazy again? - Look, this isn't easy for me. I know, sweetie. I know. You've been a Whitelighter, an Elder, an Avatar... Don't remind me. The point is, if it's magical, you've done it. So it's not gonna be easy to adjust to life without powers overnight. And tackling all these projects is... a little obsessive. Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't orb. I can't go to the Elders for information. I just want to fit in. I know. But brittle corks? Okay, I guess maybe that was a little much. There is no how-to book on this, okay? We're gonna get through it. Together. Besides, this is what we wanted. Normal. I guess I didn't expect normal to be so hard. Well, you can't force it. And you don't need to. We've got plenty of time. Demon! Oh, no, you don't! Still think we've got time? Did you wound him? Just as you've instructed. Good. - What are you doing? - Trying to ID the demon. That's not what I mean. Why aren't you sitting down? You got hit. Yeah, but it's just a scratch. I think this crescent might be tribal. You're not listening. You're not vanquishing anybody. Why not? Well, for one thing, because you can't self-heal any more. Hunting demons is too dangerous. You can't self-heal either and it doesn't stop you. - Yeah, but I can blow things up. - Yeah, I noticed. Leo... I don't know why you're making a big deal. A demon tried to kill you. Demons try to kill us every week. What do you want me to do, - hide in Magic School? - It's a thought. - I was kidding. - Well, I'm not. It's great that you gave up your powers to be with us and everything, but things are gonna have to change. You've only got one life to live and I'd like you to start taking care of it. Okay. Well, I didn't become mortal to go run and hide. I'm staying put. - Leo, please... - I've made up my mind. Well, I have to clean it, don't I? Hey, little guy. Hey, hey, look. Everything's okay. Look, see? It's just a scratch, okay? It's nothing. Come on, come on! Advanced magical orbing. Tuesdays or Thursdays? Busy? Exactly what I need. - Would you throw that at the calendar? - What? No! Look, a demon... You don't understand. I've been doing schedules all week and I'm going insane. That's exactly what I need to make decisions! - Would you please throw it. Throw it? - Fine. Fridays! Brilliant. I'm glad to see the future of magic is in such capable hands. Just trying to keep things lively. What's up? - A demon attacked Leo. - What? Is he okay? He's fine, but I need you to scry with that thing and then vanquish the demon. I'd do it myself, but I have to get home and protect Leo. - Why didn't you bring him here? - He's being stubborn. So I had to set some crystals to keep him safe. - He let you do this? - He doesn't know. I think there's something you're not telling me. Leo and I are having a little trouble adjusting to him being human again. That would be a big adjustment. We're gonna have to adjust to the fact that he can't heal us any more. Or himself. And I don't wanna keep forcing Wyatt to tap into his powers before he's ready. - Why not? He healed you before. - Yeah, with some help. We can't keep traumatising him. We've got to find another way. - So, you can handle all this? - Absolutely. You might wanna call Phoebe. That thing is probably from some sort of tribe. - Got it! All over it! - Thanks for the help. I have assembled my fiercest warriors. They better be as capable as you claim. The Charmed Ones will be here soon. The Charmed Ones... are coming here? As soon as they scry with your crescent. Why do you think I told you to leave it behind? So, you're luring them into a trap to destroy them. Think you can destroy them with one small tribe? No wonder demons always perish at the hands of those witches. Well, then what exactly is your plan? Your troops and I are gonna keep them busy while you return to the manor to locate the spiritual Nexus, and with it... the Shadow. No demon has been able to harness the power of the Shadow before. Don't get ahead of yourself, Craven. You're only gonna find the Nexus. You won't have time for anything else. And you're sure no one will be home? That's why you wounded their former Whitelighter. If I know theses witches, and I do, they're gonna strike with the full Power of Three. But they won't do that unless Leo is somewhere safe. So, yes, the manor will be empty. Well, I only ask because it seems that those that help you don't always survive. But you attacked at their home and lived. Few can boast that. Take your positions. We're about to have company. Split infinitive, I don't think so... You should really call before you do that. A demon attacked Leo and Piper wants us to take him out. - Think you have enough potion? - Better safe than sorry. - Come on, we should go. - Why do you seem excited? Because we need to protect our brother-in-law, and because we should make a statement. - Because I'm cooped up in Magic School. - All right, let me just go tell Elise. Hey, column's done. I'll see you tomorrow. No, you don't! This time I've got a family emergency. I need you to get the evening edition out. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? What about Dillard? Isn't he your number two? - Richard's out sick. - But I'm just an advice columnist. Surely you're skipping some rungs on the ladder here. Don't sell yourself short, Phoebe. I have faith in you. You owe me. Think of the times I've covered - for your family emergencies. - That's different. - How so? - Because they were my emergencies. So, your life is more important than mine? - No, that's not what I meant. - Good. - I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job. - Phoebe. Just who I was looking for. - Who're you? - Tom Taylor, copy editor. I gotta cut Bauer's column to 1,500 words and he's threatened to kill me. - Gimme a sec. - Excuse me, Phoebe. - Elise said I should talk to you. - Really? - It seems we've oversold ad space. - Well, okay. Elise... - Excuse me. - Hi. Yeah, hi... - Phoebe, I need... - Okay. - Phoebe... - Yeah, just... That's the attic. Good. That's where we are right now. What's this right here? That's Mommy and Daddy's room, right. Yeah. Right there. Very good. - Hey. - Hey. - Everything all right? - Yeah. Yeah, why wouldn't it be? Well, you know, seeing as how a demon tried to K-l-L-L you. - Right. Well, I'm fine. - Why are you so defensive? I don't know. I guess maybe I feel like I have something to prove. Leo, I was just trying to protect you. - I know, but you don't need to. - Yeah, obviously I do. Piper, wait! Okay, me and Mommy have to have a grown-up conversation, okay? I'll be right back. Okay, we have ten minutes. What? I told 'em I'd be right back. - It's gonna take what it's gonna take. - I have a deadline. Do you know how much work goes into one edition? - I can't believe Elise just dropped... - Focus! Okay. So now what do we do? I don't know. - Greetings. - Zankou! What are you doing here? Paige, what is he doing here? - How am I supposed to know? - Where's your other sister, Piper? - Why do you want to know? - I have my reasons. We'd love to stay and chat, but we have business that we need to attend to. I know. It's gonna take longer than ten minutes. Why are you so mad at me? Because you're gonna get yourself killed, that's why. Okay, well, I can... I can handle myself. Really? The way you handled yourself this morning? You know, I could have handled that. - How? - I would have thought of something. I'm so glad you would've thought of something. - Now I don't have to worry. - Okay, it was good that you were there. That doesn't give you the right to hide crystals behind my back. I was just trying to protect you. I'm supposed to protect you. - Is that what all this is about? - It's part of it. It's my instinct to protect you, Piper. The reason I don't hide from demons is 'cause I've never had to. - I realise that. - Okay. Well, Wyatt doesn't. He's seen me get hurt, and I don't want that to hurt him. Okay, look, we are going to get through this. I know we are. But you, yourself, said it was gonna take time. Which means I'm gonna make mistakes. Okay, and when I do, I need you to be supportive. You know, not drown the plants. Well, I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with things. Guess so. What are you doing here? - Dining room. - I see where he went. Stay here. Wyatt. Wyatt, get upstairs! Leo! Leo... Are you okay? Yeah. No. Don't let Wyatt see. Honey, why don't you go upstairs? - Mommy and Daddy are fine. - Sweetie, what's the matter? What is he doing? What just happened? Why's he doing this? I have a paper to put out! I'm sure that factored into his decision-making. I don't understand. How'd we go from a demon attacking Leo to Zankou attacking us? Maybe 'cause Leo's mortal, he's making his move. Don't be shy, ladies. You knew this day would come. Take one of these. We have to get back to Piper, and I have to get back to work! I wanna let him know we're in the game. One sister is still at the manor. I know. I have the other two pinned down. Would you turn that thing off! Sorry, but you gotta admire the range. We're in the Underworld. That's good. You're making this too easy. Looking for us? - You missed! - Okay, that's our cue. So much for your plan. Gather the remaining tribe. This may still work. Wyatt. You need to make Mommy and Daddy big again. Maybe he can't hear us. What happened? I don't know. I think Wyatt put some kind of force field on the dollhouse. - Wyatt! Let us out of here! - We know you were trying to help. - Daddy needs to get to the hospital. - You're gonna scare him. That's probably why he put us in here in the first place, to protect us. Great. We're supposed to be protecting him. Okay. Let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch. Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You will stop this nonsense right now! - First time you used his full name. - Sounds better when I'm scolding him. I don't think he understands what's going on. All he knows is a demon tried to kill Dad. I don't understand why anyone would attack you. It's not like you're a threat to anyone. I don't understand how a demon thinks the house'd be empty. We're not gonna figure out anything from inside here. At least the furniture is comfortable. You know, for toy furniture. Where'd you get this dollhouse anyway? - Grams made it. - She made it? I didn't know she was a witch back then. So, obviously, she used some sort of magic. It's pretty perfect. Almost perfect. What's that? Wyatt and Chris, what are you doing up here? Paige! - Paige, down here! - Where's your mommy and daddy? I saw what happened downstairs. Okay. All right, babies, we're gonna go to Magic School till we can figure out what happened. I see he's just as stubborn as someone else I know. - Well? - The house is clear. That's what you said the last time. A slight miscalculation. But the plan was to get 'em out of the manor, and they are. Probably circling their broomsticks in Magic School. - So I'm going back for the Nexus? - Except this time I'm coming with you. Follow me. The Charmed Ones' ancestral home. How do we know this isn't a trap? We don't. That's why I asked for reinforcement. Give the command. Spread out. Find the Nexus. - How are we gonna get out of here? - We can't. It's useless. That's all you've got for me? We're supposed to sit and do nothing while you bleed to death on the couch? What do you want me to say? I can't self-heal any more. Without a doctor... - You used to be a doctor. - Yeah, like 60 years ago. Well, start acting like one! Come on, you have to stop focusing on what you can't do, and think about what you can do. - Come on! Lmprovise! - All right. - Grams used to like to sew, right? - Yeah... Where? Wyatt's bedroom used to be her sewing room. Why? Okay... Now what? - Needle and thread. - Excuse me? - Don't worry, I'll walk you through it. - Walk me through what? - Oh, no! No, no, no... - You're the one who said "improvise". Well, since when does anybody listen to me? You can do this. Let's prove to Wyatt we can handle whatever's thrown at us. All right, just pull the skin together and stitch it through. - Sure. Easy for you to say. - I'm ready. Do it. - Are you sure? - Hurry. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all day! Funny, I've been trying to avoid you all day. That's a good one. Listen, I need to get out of here because there's a crisis at home. It's always life and death with you Halliwells. - Can I freshen up those drinks? - Drinks? - What drinks? - Yes, thank you. Wait. What did you say your emergency was? I didn't. I'm so sorry about that, Richard. This moron's trying to take a knife to my column! Well, what seems to be the problem? Obviously, besides the knife. Phoebe, it's a great story. Really, it is. - It's just a bit bloated. - Bloated? I'll show you bloated! You know what? Please don't. Lady, I've been working the beat for 22 years. No Ivy League trust funder is gonna tell me how to write the news! - You know... - Fashion editor. Sorry to interrupt, but our so-called film critic has been drinking coffee out of my teacup. I don't know what Jordan's worked up about, it's a two-and-a-half star mug... at best. - Phoebe, we gotta go. - Yeah. I know, I know. I wanna get Zankou as much as you. Where's Piper? That's the problem. Piper and Leo have vanished. - What do you mean? The boys? - The boys are fine. - We have to find their parents. - Let me ask you a question. Ever push the deadline for the evening edition? No. Then it'd be the "sometime in the middle of the night" edition. All right, you know what? I'm gonna go into my office for a very important conference call. No interruptions! Oh, goodness! Hope you got a discount on all that leather. That's something I admire about you ladies. Always a clever remark at the face of danger. Though... I'm insulted. Don't you think I warrant the Power of Three? Does he know where Piper is? No. How would he know about her nail appointment? You'd think she'd be at Magic School attending to her husband. She didn't wanna pay the cancellation fee for the nail appointment. You're lying. Somehow the Power of Two doesn't have the ring to it. Now what? Tie it off and cut it. Scissors. Aren't you happy you became a mortal? At least now we can grow old together - like every other couple. - That is, if we survive this. Wyatt's so worried, he practically locked us up and threw away the key. I'll just have to prove to him that I can take care of myself and my family. Yeah, it would help if we were reinstated to our former size. What's he doing here? Post guards throughout the manor. Soon as they find her, they'll be back. - We need to fend them off. - If we're to find the Nexus? - The Nexus? - Where are Phoebe and Paige? I want more than to find the Nexus. I want to release the Shadow. Harness its ultimate power. Can you do that? Well, now that evil has taken over control of the manor, I can. And I will. I can't believe we've been miniature for two hours and demons take over the house! If Zankou taps into the Nexus... - We're not gonna let that happen. - How? We're three inches tall! We're gonna get to the Book and contact Phoebe and Paige. That Book? 'Cause A, we're trapped. And B, even if we weren't, those demons could squash us with one foot. - Stay calm. - Now you're telling me. Wyatt didn't put us in here to get hurt. He put us in here to protect us. There has to be something we're overlooking. - Blasting doesn't work. - Yeah, I noticed. All the doors, the windows are sealed. Listen, how did you play with the dollhouse when you were little? - What do you mean? - I mean, it's a toy, right? - I think you've lost too much blood. - No, listen to me. If it's a toy, it must open. The roof opens or doors swing open. I don't know. That's a lot of years ago. - It might be our only shot. Think. - I think it swung open. Where? Here. Damn it! Blast it. - Blasting doesn't work. - Maybe the force field only covers the windows and the doors. So, you know, do it. - Now what? - Follow me. - I believe we've loc... - Do you have any idea how upset - Piper was when her sister died? - Sorry? Listen to this. "Prue was always the strong one. Now that she's gone, I don't know if we'll have the strength to keep fighting for good. - Or if it's even worth it." - Yes, well, if only... Humans are slaves to their own emotions. And the strongest emotion is love. That's why Piper didn't leave her husband's side to fight. That was my miscalculation. They would go through hell to stay together. What is it? I believe we have found the Nexus. You gotta give me one sec. Any luck with Piper? I've scried the universe and there's no sign. Please come back to Magic School with me. - Give me two minutes. - Our sister is missing! There's 50 jobs on the line if the paper doesn't come out. You can cancel the subscription to our house if the demons don't get out. Just give me one minute. Okay... Check this out. Do you think I'm gonna let Ask Phoebe rewrite me? Read now, bitch later! Okay? So you oversold the space. Let me see the ads. - Shrink 'em and print 'em both. - We can't do that. Advertisers were promised a certain size. Make the font bigger. If they complain, send them a bottle of Cristal on my tab. Actually, on Elise's tab. - What do you think? - It works. That's what I like to hear. Who's next? First, my teacup. Now he's on my computer. You know what? Isn't this kind of obvious? - What? - He likes you. Any other questions? No. Okay. I will be in my office, in a meeting. - Can you believe those guys? - At least they're not pre-pubescent. Paige, Piper, demons. Are you sure this is a good idea? - The Nexus... - The Nexus is neutral. Controlled by whomever controls the manor. The Shadow is the ultimate power. It could destroy us all. Well, then if I'm wrong, it's been a pleasure. Good must still be present in the manor. No, no. That's not possible. You expelled the witches yourself. Only two. That means the third one must still be here. That's probably what they came here for. So, what do we do? We find her. Are you okay? My arms are sore, but I'm not the one with a hole in my back. All right. Let's tweak the scrying spell so - Phoebe and Paige know where we are. - Don't think they've scried? It wouldn't have worked. Wyatt's shield would have protected us. Must be the reason Zankou didn't know where we are. - And now that we're out? - We have to hurry. All right, help me flip these pages. - Wait. I got a better idea. - What? Look out. - You think they noticed? - I don't know. - Hope this works. - It has to. This whole calling a lost witch stuff is harder without the Book. Maybe we didn't scry hard enough. Should we try again? I told you it didn't work. Okay! Okay, you know what? It says a pinch of rosemary, Paige. A "pinch". Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I'm glad to know the future of magic is in such good hands. People have been telling me that a lot lately. Oh, my God. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Yeah, and I don't believe it. What? That's our house. Piper must be there. Or it's a trap. But scrying is witch-to-witch stuff. It has to be her. But the house is crawling with demons. How are we gonna find her? - One way to find out. - Oh, God. We gotta get past the guard. We can't use magic, otherwise Zankou'll sense us. Can't use magic? What do you call orbing? Okay, fine. Then we won't use any more magic. I have an idea. She's here. She's here. I know she's not alone. Speed the search. We've got company. Yes, sir, but... We may have already found Piper. Okay, that was a really great plan. Well, I didn't use magic, did I? Where do we begin? The Book. Piper? Where are you? Looking for these? The mighty Charmed Ones. The most famous witches of all time. So many demons have tried to kill you. - What do you see? - Demons. And now that the moment is here, it's almost... anticlimactic. Maybe for you it is. - Perhaps you'd like to go first. - Hold on. You need us... to open the Nexus. Nice try. Shall I start with you instead? No because you need us to get the Shadow. I'm listening. - What are they doing? - They're stalling! Kill them and evil will control the Nexus this time. - This time? Do you mean you've tried? - I bet they lost some demons too. Yeah, we've had some experience with the Nexus. They're lying! No... I read Piper's diary. I guess I'll need to make her big again for you to do this. Zankou. They just want you to restore the Power of Three. But what's that compared to the power of the Shadow? - So, what is in it for you? - We live to fight another day. And if we do die, we go down kicking and screaming. - I'm not leaving you. - You have to. If Zankou gets the Shadow, then we'll never stop him. The Shadow won't know where to go. I might've lost powers, but I didn't lose what I know about magic. Trust me. Do what he wants. Hey, put me down! - You try anything... - Damn it, I said put me down! ...and you will lose the love of your life. Any idea how we're gonna get out of this one? No, but I'm hoping Leo does. Proceed. What's happening? Leo? What have you done? So close. I told you we should have killed them. Never tell me, "I told you so". Leo. Leo, you don't want this. Say the spell. I am light I am one too strong to fight So go away and leave my sight and take with you this endless night Honey, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm all right. - What happened? The Shadow couldn't choose between Zankou's evil or the Power of Three. So it went to the only neutral territory me. See, I told you it was a good thing you gave up your powers. So, all that power surging through your veins didn't make you miss the old days? No, I chose the girl. Remember? It would be a shame not to put all that magical knowledge to good use. Oh, my God! Isn't that your boss, Elise? Oh, my God, it is! So much for her family emergency. - She's with Richard Dillard. - Who's that? The guy that should've been running the paper. If she's here, maybe she wants you to know that - she does have a life outside work. - I guess. You know what? Good for her. You're not gonna call her on it? I'm not gonna buy her a new BlackBerry, but all the times I've bailed, who can blame her? Wow. Enlightened. You learn a lot from walking in someone else's shoes. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, what Zankou has found out about us. I don't think we've seen the last of him. Well, on that unhappy note, I gotta get back to the manor and clean up the mess after the demons. It's probably gonna take a while to sort it all out. - Here we go again, huh? - Yeah. As for me, as much as I would like to find a little cutie to dance with, I should be getting back to Magic School to finish those schedules. Au revoir, adults. Surprise. What? You want me to clean Magic School? No, we want you to run it. What's going on here? We were thinking since you're dying to try something new... And Leo being perfect for the job. Considering your magic know-how, you're practically a walking Book of Shadows. Well, I have wanted to get out and spread my wings. And with Leo, the school is still in good hands. Well, I... I don't know what to say. Paige? I'm good. Well, that was easy. Leo? I'd be honoured. Good choice. Hi. Guess what? You don't have to worry about Daddy any more. 'Cause I am gonna be okay. Okay? Why are you wearing those? The Elders made their decision. I have to go. Previously on "Charmed"... The only solution is a test, if you will. What the hell just happened? He has fallen from grace. He's mortal now. When I took this job, I had no idea just how much work it would be. I kind of miss being out there in the real world, you know? Maybe you should do something about that. Why bring me here? To show you why you never should have turned your back on the Elders and to decide whether or not you're willing to help me. Why would I help a demon? Because it is by far the better of your options. You need me. That's why Leo sent you. You realize the combined force of good and evil is our only chance. It's good to be back. Ready? Surprise! Isn't it great? Um... it's... it's something. You hate it. No... no. I don't hate anything. It's just, um... the dining room ... and then the living room... and, you know, when you rearranged the kitchen, I did kind of hate that. Piper, you're always complaining about what a mess it is up here. Yeah, I know, but it's an attic. And it's supposed to be messy. Sweetie, it's not that I don't appreciate you helping around the house, because I do, really. It's just, um... it's just a little much. Well, you know, I just shuffled some things around. Shuffled? You call this shuffling? Honey, you built things, you hung things, you bagged things. I mean, what is this? Ah, those are, uh, corks. You know, for the potion bottles. You know, if you leave them out, they get brittle. And that doesn't seem like overkill to you? I'm just trying to help. I know, honey. And that's very sweet. But, you know, I kind of like the attic messy. At least I knew where everything was. Where did you find that? Under some blankets. Why? I just - I haven't seen it in years. Is it wet? Um, well, it needed some touch-ups. Have you gone crazy again? This isn't easy for me. I know, sweetie, I know. You've been a Whitelighter, an Elder, an Avatar... Don't remind me. The point is, if it's magical, you've done it. So it's not going to be easy to adjust to life without powers overnight. And tackling all these projects is a little obsessive. Well, what am I supposed to do? Huh? I can't orb. I can't go to the Elders for information. I just want to fit in. I know, but brittle corks? Okay, I guess maybe that was a little much. Look, there's no How-To book on this, okay? But we're gonna get through it together. Besides, this is what we wanted. Normal. I guess I didn't expect normal to be so hard. Well, you can't force it. And you don't need to. We've got plenty of time. Oh, no, you don't. Still think we've got plenty of time? Did you wound him? Just as you've instructed. Good. What are you doing? Trying to I.D. the demon. That's not what I mean. Why aren't you sitting down? You got hit. Yeah, but it's just a scratch. I think this crescent might be tribal. You're not listening to me. You're not vanquishing anybody. Why not? Well, for one thing, because you can't self-heal anymore. Hunting demons is too dangerous. Okay, well, you can't self-heal either. And it doesn't stop you. Yeah, but I can blow things up. Yeah. I noticed. Leo... Look, I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. A demon tried to kill you. Okay, well, demons try to kill us almost every week. What do you want me to do, go hide in Magic School? It's a thought. I was kidding. Well, I'm not. Look, it's great that you gave up your powers to be with us and everything, but things are gonna have to change. You've only got one life to live, and I'd like you to start taking care of it. Well, I didn't become mortal to go run and hide. I'm staying put. Leo, please... I made up my mind. Well, I have to clean it, don't I? Hey, little guy. Hey, hey. Look, everything's okay. Look, see? It's just a scratch, okay? Yeah. It's nothing. Oh, come on, come on. Advanced magical orbing. Tuesdays or Thursdays? Busy? Exactly what I need. Would you please throw that at the calendar? What? No. Look, a demon... No, no. You don't understand. I... I have been doing these schedules all week, and I'm going insane. That's exactly what I need to make my decisions. Just please throw it. Throw it. Fine. Fridays! Brilliant! I'm glad to see the future of magic is in such capable hands. Just trying to keep things lively. What's up? A demon attacked Leo. What? Is he okay? He's fine, but I need you to scry with that thing and then vanquish the demon. I'd do it myself, but I have to get home and protect Leo. Why didn't you just bring him here? He's being stubborn. So I had to set some crystals to keep him safe. He let you do this? He doesn't know. I think there's something you're not telling me, Missy. Leo and I are just having a little trouble adjusting to him being human again. That would be a big adjustment. We are also going to have to adjust to the fact that he can't heal us anymore. Or himself. And I don't want to keep forcing Wyatt to tap into his powers before he's ready. Why not? He healed you before. Yeah. With some help. But we can't keep traumatizing him like that. We've got to find another way. So, you can handle all this? Absolutely. Uh, you might want to call Phoebe. That thing is probably from some sort of tribe. Got it. All over it. Thanks for the help. I have assembled my fiercest warriors. They'd better be as capable as you claim. The Charmed Ones will be here soon. The Charmed Ones... are coming here? As soon as they scry with your crescent. Why do you think I told you to leave it behind? So you're luring them into a trap. To destroy them. You think I could destroy them with one small tribe? No wonder demons always perish at the hands of those witches. Well, then what exactly is your plan? Your troops and I are going to keep them busy while you return to the manor to locate The Spiritual Nexus and with it, the Shadow. No demon has been able to harness the power of the Shadow before. Don't get ahead of yourself, Craven. You're only going to find The Nexus. You won't have time for anything else. And you're sure no one will be home? Well, that's why you wounded their former Whitelighter. If I know these witches, and I do, they're gonna strike back with the full Power of Three. But they won't do that unless Leo is somewhere safe. So, yes, the manor will be empty. Well, you see, I only ask because it seems that, uh, those that help you don't always... Survive. But you attacked at their home and lived. If you can boast that... Take your positions. We're about to have company. Split infinitive? I don't think so. You know, you should really call before you do that. Look, a demon attacked Leo. Piper wants us to take him out. You think you have enough potion? It's better safe than sorry. Come on, we should go. Why do you seem excited about this? Well, because we need to protect our brother-in-law and because we should make a statement. Because I'm really cooped up in Magic School. All right, let me just go tell Elise. Hey, boss. Column's done. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, no, you don't. This time, I've got a family emergency, which means I need you to get the evening edition out. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? What about Dillard? Isn't he your number two guy? Richard is out sick. Okay, but I'm just an advice columnist. I mean, surely you're skipping some rungs on the ladder here. Don't sell yourself short, Phoebe. I have faith in you. Besides, you owe me. Just think of all the times I've covered for your family emergencies. Yeah, but that was different. How so? Well, because they were my emergencies. So your life's more important than mine? No. That's not what I meant. Good. I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job. Phoebe, just who I was looking for. - Who are you? - Tom Taylor, copy editor. Listen, I've got to cut Bauer's column to 1,500 words, and he's threatening to kill me. - Gimme a sec. W-w... - Excuse me. Phoebe, Elise said I should talk to you. Really? Yeah. It seems we've oversold an ad space. Well, okay. Elise... That's the attic, very good. That's where we are right now. What's this right here? That's mommy and daddy's room, right. Yeah. Right there. Very good. Everything all right? Yeah. Yeah. Why wouldn't it be? Well, you know, seeing as how a demon tried to K-I-L-L you... Right. Uh... well, I'm fine. Why are you so defensive? Oh, guess maybe I feel like I have something to prove. Leo, I was just trying to protect you. I - I yeah, I know. But you don't need to. Obviously, I do. Piper, wait. Okay. Me and mommy have to have a grown-up conversation, okay? I'll be right back. Okay, we have ten minutes. What? I told them I'd be right back. Well, it's gonna take what it's gonna take. Yeah, I know, but I have a deadline. Do you know how much work goes into one edition? And I can't believe Elise just dropped... Phoebe, focus. Okay, so now what do we do? I don't know. Greetings. Zankou. What are you doing here? Paige, what is he doing here? How the hell am I supposed to know? Where's your, uh, other sister, Piper? Why do you want to know? I have my reasons. Okay, look, we'd love to stay and chat, but we have business that we need to attend to. I know. This is gonna take longer than ten minutes. Why are you so mad at me? Because you're going to get yourself killed. That's why. But... well, I can handle myself. Really, the way you handled yourself this morning? Yeah. You know, I could have handled that. How? Oh, you know, I would've thought of something. Well, I'm so glad you would've thought of something. And now I don't have to worry. Okay. It was good that you were there, but that doesn't give you the right to hide crystals behind my back. I was just trying to protect you. Well, okay, but I'm supposed to protect you. Is that what all this is about? It's part of it. Look, it's my instinct to protect you, Piper. You know, and the reason I don't hide from demons is because I've never had to. I realize that. Okay, well, Wyatt doesn't. You know, and now he's seen me get hurt. And I don't want that to hurt him. Okay, look, we are going to get through this. I know we are. But you, yourself, said it was going to take time. Wish means, I'm gona make mistakes. Ok, and when I do, I need you to be supportive, you know, not drown the plants. Well, I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with things. Guess so. What are you doing here? ! Dining room. I see where he went. Stay here. Wyatt, get upstairs. Leo! Leo? Are you okay? Yeah. No, no. Don't let Wyatt see. Honey, why don't you go upstairs? Mommy and daddy are fine. Sweetie, what's the matter? What is he doing? What just happened? Why is he doing this and why now? I have a paper to put out. Oh, I'm sure that factored into his decision-making process. I don't understand. How do we go from a demon attacking Leo to Zankou attacking us? I don't know, maybe because Leo's mortal, he's making his move. Don't be shy, ladies. You knew this day would come. Take one of these. Paige, we have to get back to Piper, and I have to get back to work. I want to let him know we're in the game. One sister's still at the manor. I know. I have the other two pinned down. Will you shut that freaking thing off? I'm sorry, but you gotta admire the range, huh? We're in the underworld. It's pretty good. You're making this too easy. Looking for us? You missed. Uh, okay. That's our cue. So much for your plan. Gather the remaining tribe. This may still work. We need to make mommy and daddy big again. Maybe he can't hear us. What happened? I don't know. I think Wyatt put some kind of force-field on the dollhouse. Wyatt! Let us out of here. Yeah. We know you're only trying to help, but daddy needs to get to the hospital. You're just gonna scare him, and that's probably why he put us in here in the first place, to protect us. Great. We're supposed to be protecting him. Okay. Let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch. Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You will stop this nonsense right now! Wow. First time you used his full name. Well, it sounds better when I'm scolding him. You know, I don't think he understands what's going on. All he knows is a demon just tried to kill his dad, again. I don't understand why anyone would attack you. It's not like you're a threat to anyone anymore. What I don't understand is why the demon would think the house would be empty. Well, we're not gonna figure out anything from inside here. At least the furniture's comfortable. You know, for toy furniture. Where'd you get this dollhouse, anyway? Grams made it. She made it? Well, I didn't know she was a witch back then, so, obviously, she used some sort of magic. It's pretty perfect. Almost perfect. What's that? Wyatt and Chris, what are you doing up here? Paige! Down here! Where's your mommy and daddy, huh? I saw what happened downstairs. Okay. All right, babies. We're gonna go to Magic School until we can figure out what happened. I see he's just as stubborn as someone else I know. Well? Their house is clear. That's what you said the last time. A slight miscalculation. But the plan was to get them out of the manor, and they are. Probably circling their broomsticks in Magic School. So I'm going back for The Nexus? Except this time, I'm coming with you. Follow me. Ah, the Charmed Ones' ancestral home. How do we know this isn't a trap? We don't. That's why I asked for reinforcements. Give the command. Spread out. Find The Nexus. How are we gonna get out of here? We can't. It's useless. That's all you've got for me? We're just supposed to sit here and do nothing while you bleed to death on the couch? What do you want me to say? I can't self-heal anymore. Without a doctor... You used to be a doctor. Yeah, like sixty years ago. Well, start acting like one. Come on, Leo, you have to stop focusing on what you can't do and think about what you can do. Come on! Improvise. All right. Grams used to like to sew, right? Yeah. Where? Uh, W-Wyatt's bedroom used to be her sewing room. Why? Okay, now what? Needle and thread. Excuse me? Don't worry. I'll walk you through it. What? Walk me through what? Oh, no. No, no, no. You're the one who said to improvise. Well, since when does anybody listen to me? You can do this, Piper. Okay, let's prove to Wyatt we can handle whatever's thrown at us. Mm-hmm. All right, just pull the skin together and stitch it through. Sure. Easy for you to say. I'm ready. Do it. - Are you sure? - Hurry. Elise, where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all day. That's funny. I've been trying to avoid you all day. That's a good one. Listen, I kind of need to get out of here 'cause there's a little crisis at home. Oh, it's always life and death with you Halliwells. Can I freshen up those drinks for you? Drinks? What drinks? Yes, thank you. Wait a minute. What exactly did you say your emergency was? I didn't. I'm so sorry about that, Richard. This moron is trying to take a butcher knife to my column. Okay, what seems to be the problem? Obviously, besides the butcher knife? Phoebe, like I told you. It's a great story, really. It's just a bit bloated. Bloated? ! I'll show you bloated. No. No. You know what? Please, please, please don't! Look, lady, I've been working the beat in this town for 22 years. And no ivy league trust-funder is gonna tell me how to write the news. Fashion editor. Sorry to interrupt. But our so-called film critic has been drinking coffee out of my teacup. I don't know what Jordan's so worked up about. It's a 2 1/2 star coffee mug at best. Phoebe, we've got to go. Yeah, I know, I know, and I want to get Zankou as much as you do. Where's Piper? That's the problem. Piper and Leo have vanished. What do you mean? What about the boys? The boys are fine. We just have to find their parents. Let me ask you a question. Do we ever push the deadline for the evening edition? No. Then it would be called the "sometime in the middle of the night" edition. All right, you know what? I am gonna go into my office for a very important conference call. No interruptions. Oh, goodness. Hope you guys got a discount on all that leather. That's something I admire about you, ladies. Always a clever remark in the face of danger. No. I'm insulted. Don't you think I warrant the Power of Three? You don't know where Piper is? No. How would he know about her nail appointment? Well, you'd think she'd be at magic school, attending to her husband. Yeah, well, she didn't want to pay the cancellation fee for the nail appointment. You're lying. Somehow the power of two just doesn't have the ring to it. Now what? Tie it off and cut it. Scissors. Aren't you happy you became a mortal? Well, at least now we can grow old to like every other couple. That is if we survive this. Wyatt's so worried he practically locked us up and threw away the key. Well, I'll just have to prove to him that I can take care of myself and my family. Yeah. It would help if we were reinstated to our former size. What's he doing here? Post guards here and throughout the manor. As soon as they find their sister, they'll be back, and we'll need to fend them off for as long as possible. You mean if we're to find The Nexus. The Nexus? Where are Phoebe and Paige? I want more than just to find The Nexus now. I want to release the Shadow. Harness its ultimate power. Can you do that? Now that evil has taken over control of the manor, I can. And I will. I can't believe we've been miniature for two hours and demons take over the house. If Zankou taps into The Nexus - We're not gonna let that happen. Oh, yeah? How? We're three inches tall. Well, we're gonna get to the Book and we're gonna contact Phoebe and Paige. Uh... That Book? 'Cause 'A'... we're trapped. And 'B'... even if we weren't, those demons could squash us with one foot. Stay calm. Oh, now you telling me? Look, Wyatt didn't put us in here to get hurt. He put us in here to protect us. There has to be something we're overlooking. Blasting doesn't work. Yeah. I noticed. All the doors, the windows are sealed. How did you play with the dollhouse when you were little? What do you mean? I mean, I mean, it's a toy, right? I think you've lost a little too much blood. No. Listen to me. If it's a toy, it must open somehow. Either the roof opens up, or the doors swing open or something. I don't know. That was a lot of years ago. It might be our only shot. You need to think. I think it swung open. Where? Here. Damn it. Blast it. Blasting doesn't work. Well, maybe the force-field only covers the windows and the doors, so, you know, do it. Now what? Follow me. I believe we've lo... Do you have any idea how upset Piper was when her sister died? Sorry. Listen to this. Prue was always the strong one. Now that she's gone, I don't know if we'll have the strength to keep fighting for good, "or if it's even worth it." Yes, well, if only... Humans are slaves to their own emotions. And the strongest emotion is love. That's why Piper didn't leave her husband's side to fight us. That was my miscalculation. They would go through hell to stay together. What is it? I believe we have found The Nexus. Oh, you got to give me one second. Any luck with Piper? No. I have scried the entire universe, and there's no sign of her. Will you please just come back to Magic School with me now? Give me just two minutes. Our sister is missing. And there are fifty jobs on the line if the paper does not come out. Well, you can cancel the subscription to our house if the demons don't get out. Just give me one minute. Okay. Check this out. You think I'm going to let "Ask Phoebe" rewrite me? Read now, bitch later. Okay? So you oversold a space. Let me see the ads. Shrink them and print them both. We can't do that. The advertisers were promised a certain size. Well, then make the font bigger. And if they complain, send them a bottle of Cristal on my tab. Actually, on Elise's tab. What do you think? It works. That's what I like to hear. Who's next? First my teacup, now he's on my computer. You know what? Isn't this kind of obvious? What? He likes you. Any other questions? No? Okay. I will be in my office in a meeting. Whew! Can you believe those guys? At least they're not pre-pubescent. Paige, Piper. Demons. You're sure this is a good idea? The Nexus... The Nexus is neutral... controlled by whomever controls the manor. But the Shadow is the ultimate power. It could destroy us all. Well, if I'm wrong, it's been a pleasure. "Natum adai necral, daya intay layok." Good must still be present in the manor. No, no, no, no. That's not possible. You expelled the witches yourself. Only two. That means the third one must still be here. That's probably what they came here for. So what do we do? We find her. You okay? My arms are a little sore, but I'm not the one with a hole in my back. All right, let's tweak the scrying spell so Phoebe and Paige know where we are. Don't you think they scried already? Well, if they did, it wouldn't have worked. Wyatt's shield on the dollhouse would've protected us. It must be the same reason Zankou didn't know where we are. And now that we're out? We have to hurry. All right, help me flip these pages. Wait. I have a better idea. What? Look out. Think they noticed? I don't know. Hope this works. It has to. Okay, this whole calling a lost witch stuff is much harder without the book. Maybe we didn't scry hard enough. Shall we try again? I told you it didn't work. Okay. Okay. You know what? It says a pinch of rosemary, Paige. A pinch. Sorry. I just wasn't paying attention. Well, I'm glad to know the future of magic is in such good hands. People have been telling me that a lot lately. Oh, my god. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Yeah. And I don't believe it. What? That's our house. Piper must be there. Or it's a trap. Huh. But scrying is witch-to-witch stuff. It has to be her. Okay, but the house is crawling with demons. How are we gonna find her? One way to find out. Oh, God. We gotta get past the guard. Fine, but we can't use any more magic otherwise Zankou will sense us. Can't use magic? What do you call orbing? Okay, fine. Then we won't use any more magic. I have an idea. She's here. She's here. I know she's not alone. Speed the search. We've got company. Yes. Yes, sir, but... We may have already found Piper. Okay. That was a really great plan. Well, I didn't use magic, did I? Where do we begin? The Book. Piper, where are you? Looking for these? The mighty Charmed Ones... the most famous witches of all time. So many demons have tried to kill you. What do you see? Demons. But now that the moment is here, it's almost... anticlimactic. Maybe for you it is. Perhaps you'd like to go first. Hold on. You need us. To open The Nexus. Nice try. Shall I start with you instead? No. Because you need us to get the Shadow. I'm listening. What are they doing? They're stalling. Just kill them and evil will control The Nexus this time. This time? What do you mean, you've tried before? I bet they lost some demons, too. Yeah. We've had some experience with The Nexus. They're lying. No. I read Piper's diary. I guess I'll need to make her big again for you to do this? Zankou, they just want you to restore the Power of Three. What's that, compared to the power of the Shadow? So what is in it for you? We live to fight another day. And if we do die, we go down kicking and screaming. I'm not leaving you. You have to. If Zankou gets the Shadow, then we'll never be able to stop him. The Shadow won't know where to go. Look, I might have lost my powers, but I didn't lose what I know about magic. Trust me. Do what he wants. Hey! Put me down! You try anything... Dammit, I say. Put me down! And you will lose the love of your life. Any idea how we're gonna get out of this one? No, but I'm hoping Leo does. Proceed. Natum adai necral dana intan lanok. What's happening? Leo? What have you done? ! So close. I told you we should have killed them. Never tell me "I told you so." Leo. Leo, you don't want this. Say the spell. I am light. I am one too strong to fight. So go away and leave my sight and take with you this endless night. Honey, are you okay? Yeah. I'm all right. What happened? The Shadow couldn't choose between Zankou's evil or the Power of Three, so it went to the only neutral territory... me. See, I told you it was a good thing you gave up your powers. So, all that power surging through your veins didn't make you miss the old days? No. I chose the girl, remember? It would be a shame not to put all that magical knowledge to good use. Oh, my god! Isn't that your boss Elise? Oh, my god, it is! So much for her family emergency. And she's with Richard Dillard! Who's that? That's the guy that should have been running the paper instead of me. Well, if she's hanging out here, maybe she wants you to know that she does have a life outside of work. I guess. You know what? Good for her. You're not gonna call her on it? Well, I'm not gonna buy her a new blackberry but all the times I've bailed, who can blame her? Wow. Enlightened. Well, you learn a lot from walking in someone else's shoes. Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of... What Zankou has found out about us. Yeah. I don't think we've seen the last of him. Well, on that unhappy note, I gotta get back to the manor and clean up the mess after the demons. It's probably gonna take a while to sort it all out. Well, here we go again, huh? Yeah. As for me, as much as I would like to find a little cutie to dance with, I should be getting back to Magic School to finish those schedules. Au revoir, adults. Surprise! What, you want me to clean magic school? No. We want you to run it. Huh? What's going on here? Well, we were just thinking since you're dying to try something new... And Leo being the perfect man for the job. Considering your magic know-how, you're practically a walking Book of Shadows. Well, I have wanted to get out and spread my wings. And with Leo, the school is still in good hands. I don't know what to say. Paige? I'm good. Well, that was easy. Leo? I'd be honored. Good choice. Guess what? You don't have to worry about daddy anymore, 'cause I am gonna be okay! Okay? (loud crashing and banging) Hello? (gets quiet) Who's there? Richard! I've been waiting for you. Sanjay? But... You're in jail. No, no. That was all a mistake. Everything's fine now. And wonderful news! The money has come! What money? The money for the festival! Just like I told you it would. It just came. It's on your desk! Richard: So, everything's going to be all right? Yes, yes. Look! (eerie music) Is that all there is? ! Put your head on the desk, richard. (sanjay plays "danny boy" on the clarinet) (richard sobs) (clarinet squeaks and squawks) (sickening thump) (alarm beeps as richard gasps for breath) Ô call me superstitious ô Ô or cowardly or weak ô Ô but I'll never play a character ô Ô whose name one dare not speak ô (crowd laughs) Ô I'll play hamlet in doublet and hose ô Ô or either of the dromeos ô Ô but sorry, I won't play mackers ô Ô I'll play richard the third with a hump and a wig ô Ô or henry the eighth that selfish pig ô Ô but sorry, I don't do mackers ô Ô every soul that plays this role ô Ô risks injury or death ô Ô I'd rather sweep the bloody stage ô Ô than ever do mac - you know who ô Ô so gimme king lear, ô Ô cleopatra, ô Ô romeo and juliet, it doesn't mattra ô Ô I'll play them all for free ô Ô but I'd be crackers to take on mackers ô Ô you see I'm skittish about the scottish tragedy ô Ô och aye! Ô (enthusiastic applause) Richard: (honks horn) (under his breath) fuck! (taps window) hello. Wake up please. You're in my spot. Park somewhere else. No, I'm the executive director of this festival. You're in my parking spot. Giant man: You run this place? Well, myself and a few others. Hey, hey, hey! Can you get them to sign this? Who? The actors... In macbeth. You're here to see macbeth? Yeah, if I can get in. I hear it's a hard ticket. Where did you hear that? Everywhere. Sorry about crashing your zone. I'll move the van. Anna: How many tickets do you need? Margaret: Four. Four? No, margaret. No. You said there were tickets. I told them to come. Not for tonight. It's opening. You should have had them come to previews. I did. They came. They want to see it again. What did you say? When? Anna: Her friends came to previews and they want to see it again. To macbeth? Are they young people? Pretty young - 22. Young people want to see the show. Yes. Young people. Anna: There's nothing I can do, margaret. Tell your little friends, I'm sorry. Margaret: (yells) this is... (holds back) bullshit. (geoffrey hums) And who are you? I'm geoffrey tennant. You've cleaned up. Yes, well, I have an advisor now, don't I? I need maria. Can you track her down for me? Of course. Anything else? Have you had breakfast? Yes, but it was inedible. I'm starving. I'll send someone. Richard: Anna, can you get me geoffrey please? (indistinct chatter of crowd) Anna! Geoffrey: Richard. Oh, geoffrey. There are young people - Out there, gathering in the parking lot. Should I have nahum chase 'em away? No, no, no! It's the answer to my prayers. No, no I don't want to speak too soon. But I mean, it's good. It's a good sign, right? Sure. Richard: No, geoffrey. There are young people out there! That's great, richard. I have things to do. Of course. See you later on. The cast is gathering at 7:15. Without ellen. She has a final costume fitting. I am so not happy about this, geoffrey. It's the only way we're going to get henry To give us the show that we want And you know that. I'm talking about ellen. Lying to her, plotting behind her back. Oh, so suddenly you're a big fat fan of ellen's? Is that why you let her use your cell phone all the time? Is that why you run out and get her cookies and fags? Is that why you fetch her dry cleaning? You're right. I have no problem screwing ellen. Let's do it. Okay, good. Now that we have solved your ethical dilemma, There are a some specific changes I would like to make. Some lighting cues, a few small design elements... A tree? Yes, a tree. A small tree, yes. You didn't say anything about a tree. Well it came to me in the night. Oh, god. Well you don't have to think about it, Just do it! Just go to the booth. I'll be there in a few minutes. We can run over the cues! Fuck me, geoffrey. If that's what it takes. Maria: Hi, ellen. Hi. Hi. Is something going on? Well, yes. We're opening macbeth tonight. With henry. With henry in the lead, yes. Ellen: Henry breedlove. Yes ellen, I put him back as I promised. God, how hard is it for you to believe me? I mean what kind of relationship Do we have? Okay, sorry. Well thank you. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very, very unpleasant task to attend to. It's just part of my job, you know. Artistic director. Thank you, geoffrey. You're welcome, ellen. Hey, I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. Look at you, geoffrey, You look positively disease-free. It's the hairdo. So I uh... I thought we should have a little talk. (rattle of pill bottle) I don't know why I bother with these. They don't seem to do anything. Darren: What are those? Anti-depressants? Yes. Oh. Yeah, I take 'em by the fist-full - All different kinds. Nothing works. Oh anna tells me you asked lighting For three more frenels. Did you get 'em? Yes. Good, good, um... Thing is I-I don't, I... I don't think I can come to your opening, And it's not you, it's the play. (getting emotional) it's so um... Full of life and... And I can't feel anything. Uh... So... Did you say you got those frenels? Yes, I did, yes. Good, good. Are you happy, darren? Happy? Uh, yes, I suppose I'm happy. Well, there, see? That's why you can direct this play. I couldn't take it on. I mean... How can you direct "romeo and juliet" If you are dead inside? I mean, how? I ask you. Well, I don't know. I think- Well you can't, that's how. I mean you would do is mock it, you know. Make some kind of dull, anti-romantic, Vaguely condescending shallow fucking commentary On what that play actually is, And I don't even understand this. I mean, is it age that numbs you? Because when I was younger, boy I... Oh look, here, I found something the other day. Look at this. What was this? 1980? Uh... Godspell, yeah? (chuckles) Darren: Yeah... Geoffrey: And the thing is... We liked each other, didn't we? Yes, well I recall there was a brief period Of comraderie in the early 80s. Yes, yeah. Oh look at you. (laugh) You were a big goof. (chuckles) You were, you were happy then. I was... (breaking down) (sobs) I was happy then. (in tears) anyway, You break a leg, okay? And I'm going to do my goddamn level best To make sure that you have those frenels. Oh... Geoffrey: No, I don't even want it. You keep that, okay? I can't even stand to look at it! Darren: I have a tech rehearsal- I know, I know. I'm sorry. Go ahead. And break your legs! (sobs hysterically) oh jesus! How do you cry like that? (completely composed) I think about my grandmother. Very convincing. Well, let's hope it works. Otherwise, I have debased myself for nothing. Breath mint? Richard? You have to come down to the box office. It's chaos. There's a mob and they're chanting. They want tickets for opening. They don't understand how openings work. And they won't listen. They've got head phones on. Youth quake. What? Youth quake. It's what sanjay said would happen. It's a youth quake. Please come down. Some of them have guitars. Soon, soon. I'll be there in a minute. (satisfied sigh) Maria: Sorry darren. Just give me a second here. Geoffrey gave me a ton Of last minute changes to input. I'm still playing catch up. Mmm, yeah. Okay. (into mic) continue. Sarah: It was the nightingale and not the lark That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear. Nightly she sings on yond pomegranate tree. Maria: Hold. Anything? More grey. More grey. Okay, uh, we'll take out the yellows. 42 through 60 down ten percent. Continue. (leaden) it was the lark, the herald of the morn, No nightingale. Look love, what envious streaks Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east. (thunder rumbles) (dejected sigh) Maria: Hold. Oh god, This is a shitty production. Yeah. (whispers) and we have to run it for twelve weeks. (laugh) Ow. Everybody's going to be watching This shitty production thinking, "oh my god, look at those poor bastards Stuck up there in those cages In this shitty, shitty production." Well at least something good came out of it. Yeah. Hey... Come here for a second. What? Just come here. Everyone will laugh. I don't care what they think. (costumes clank) Cast: (ooh and awe) Frank: Crikey! Cyril: Now there's something you don't see everyday of the week. I hate it. I hate it all. I want to change everything! I want warm light. I want those balls deflated and removed. Did you hear that? ! I am not a zombie! I have a soul! I can feel! Take those cages off! Take those ridiculous chess pieces off your heads! (excited cheers) You're released. We'll meet at 5:00 in the rehearsal hall, And bring bath robes. We're going to do the balcovske exercise. Hey, excuse me, uh, Do you guys have a moment? Well, we do now. Great. Could you come here? Thank you. I didn't know who else to turn to. What is it, lovey? Look this is very difficult for me. Well take your time. For a long time now I've been guarding a secret. A what? He's got a secret. I told you, duckie. I can spot 'em a mile off. I want to audition for the musical. What? (chuckles) he wants to audition. It's for the gilbert and sullivan, Is it, lovey? Yeah. I want to. I mean, I've always wanted to sing in a musical. And I thought that since you guys were The more experienced members of the cast, That maybe you could help coach me? What's he going on about? I'll tell you later, duckie. I don't know how he hears the alarm in the morning. Well, of course, we'll help you, dearie. That's great. Cyril: Oh lovely, "major general". Always a good choice. Yeah? Okay, well, let's go. Patrick: I did this once, like 4 years ago. Sarah: Really? I thought it was just one of those weird theatre stories. Oh, it is one of those weird theatre stories, But it's true. Yeah, check it out. All right, I guess bring on the balcovske. Bring on the balcovske. (laughter) Cyril: Odd about benedict wanting to sing. Frank: He works numbers all day. I mean he's not a machine. He has a soul, presumably. Presumably. Ah yeah, here she comes. Frank: Stick together this time, right? Darren: This has been a difficult process for me personally, And for you as well, I imagine. I think I was afraid of this play on some level, And so I chose to mock it. Forgive me, sarah. You'll understand when you're my age. Everybody smear some of this glow paint on your hands, And then hold them up to the light to charge. I sapped the sensuality out of this play, And because we open tomorrow, I feel it's important to do something drastic In order to rediscover it, Hence the balcovske exercise. I know it's controversial, And if anyone wants to leave you can do so now. Good. In a minute I'm going to turn off the lights. When you hear the music start Drop your robes, step forward And have a good grope. All: (giggle) Are we ready? All: Yes! Darren: When you hear the music stop Return to your marks and put your robes back on. I promise nobody will get caught in the light. All: (giggle and laugh) (music starts) (indistinct chatter and laughter) (music stops) (laughter) Questions, comments. All: (wild cheers) again! Again! (excited shouts) Man: Macbeth rocks! (excited chatter) Congratulations, richard. It's all yours now. I'm sorry? Lady, I don't care if you're a minister. No one gets in here without a ticket, padre. Oh. Oh! (violent shoves) Richard: Minister! (struggles) (deep inhale) (knock at door) Enter. Break a leg. I'll do my best. Well it's all anyone can expect, isn't it? Emily: (excited) hi! I set all the props. We're ready to go. Awesome. (flicks lighter) Ellen was late again, of course. She claims she didn't even know about the cast meeting. You told her there was a cast meeting? Emily: Geoffrey! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! About what? What are you sorry about now? Ellen knows about the meeting. I told her! I'm so sorry! Oh for the love of- (hysterical shriek) Where are you going? Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to tell henry what's going on. I knew you were lying to me, You snake. Geoffrey: N-no! No! I can't let you do that. Ellen: Geoffrey, let go of me! Geoffrey: No, it's for the good of the play. Ellen: The good of the play? This is a horrible, horrible betrayal Of an actor's trust in his director. Geoffrey: And what about the rest of the cast? Aren't you betraying their trust by telling him? Ow! Ellen: This has nothing to do with trust! You're using them! Geoffrey: Have a great show, ellen! Ellen: Geoffrey! Nahum. Key! Ellen: Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Don't let her out until we're well under way. Understood. Ellen: Nahum, you bastard! (murmur of crowd) Scott: I think we're going to be cool here 'cause no one can see us. (under her breath) fuck. Richard! (raucous applause) (ominous music) Witch 1: When shall we three meet again In thunder lightning or in rain? Witch 2: When the hurlyburly is done (thunder rumbles) When the battle's lost and won! Witch 1: Where the place? Witch 3: Upon the heath! Witch 2: There to meet with macbeth. (thunder rumbles) (indistinct dialogue punctuated by thunder from the stage) (gasps) Henry: What the fuck's going on, geoffrey? Geoffrey: I made a few little changes. It's a wall. This is where I enter. Not unless you have a chainsaw. You're trying to humiliate me, is that it? Geoffrey: Believe me, what I am trying to do Has very little to do with you. What if I refuse to go on? Oh come on, You've played this part three times To great acclaim. Surely you can handle a few last minute changes. All right. Where the fuck have you got me? Follow me. (exasperated grunt) Geoffrey: Okay, you come off upstage left. Henry: I exit up right! Geoffrey: No, no, that's not possible. There's a great honking flat there. Now just keep your eyes open, keep your ears open. You're gonna be fine. Henry: You are a fucking prick! Geoffrey: You're on. So fair and foul a day I have not seen. (gasps) (lock clicks open) Nahum, how could you? I must confess - I love drama. Henry: Where are you taking me? I can not function under these circumstances. This isn't theatre. This is improvisation! Geoffrey: Still, that's kind of theatre, isn't it? Very alive, very exciting. Henry: Fuck off! (over speaker) there's a supernatural soliciting Cannot be ill, cannot be good. Maria: (over speaker) jean, a reminder, Have a robe waiting for mr. Breedlove, Stage right. (clears throat) as discussed. (whispers) you bastard! Ellen, you have to get focused here. This is your director speaking. It's not geoffrey. It's the director of this play. You know what you have to do. You... This is some kind of perverted personal vendetta, And I will not be a part of it. Look at me. Look at me! Between me and the ape Pacing in the wings over there, Which one of us is actually thinking about this play? Honestly. Damn you. (inhales deeply) Ellen. What? The letter. Do you think she will? Oh I hope to hell she does. Henry: My dearest love, Duncan comes here tonight. And when goes hence? Tomorrow as he purposes. Ellen: O, never shall sun that morrow see! Your face, my thane, is as a book Where men may read strange matters. To beguile the time, look like the time. Bear welcome in your eye, Your hand, your tongue. Look at the innocent flower, Ellen- But be the serpent- I'm not- Under it. Prepared. Audience: (gasps) Ellen: He that's coming must be provided for, And you shall put this night's great business Into my despatch, Which shall to all our nights and days to come. That was good. Ellen: Give solely sovereign sway... I thought it was gratuitous. What? (whispers) the nudity. I thought it was good. I thought it was gratuitious. What? The nudity. I thought it was good. Sloan: Shut up! Ellen: Leave all the rest to me. (light bangs off) Ellen: (whispers) sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (whimpers) sorry! (insistent knock at door) Maria: (over speaker) miss fanshaw and mr. Breedlove, Places please for act two, scene three. (knocks) henry? Can I have a word please? You see? You see what you've done? He's not coming out! He's coming out. Ellen: I wouldn't. He will. He won't! Go to your mark. Go! Maria: Miss fanshaw and mr. Breedlove. Places please - now. (dramatic drumming) (door clicks open) Henry: (angry breathing) All right, you fucking lunatic! What brilliant entrance do you have in store for me now, huh? Popping out of some fucking wedding cake? ! (angry growl) Geoffrey: Stage right! Henry: Fuck! Henry: Here had we now our country's honour... Minister: Richard! Henry: Were the graced person of our banquo present... How's it going? He's furious with me. Well they're both furious with me. What are you doing? I'm going on. What? As the ghost. Are you insane? You can't go out there. Once more unto the breech. Frank: ...Grace us with your royal company. The table is full. Frank: Here is a place reserved, sir. Henry: Where? (snorts in pain) Frank: Well here my good lord. What is it that moves you so? Henry: Which of you have done this? Frank: What my lord? Henry: Thou canst not say I did it. Never shake thy gory locks at me! Nahum: Good choice. An empty chair is better. Yeah, I thought so. Ellen: The fit is momentary... Jerry: Hey, there's a tree there. Henry: Bastard, geoffrey! Okay, you're going to have to play the fight Six feet downstage. Kill 'em! Jerry... Young-ish siward is usually slaughtered in macbeth. It's a supposed to be hard and brutal And macbeth feels invincible; he feels immortal. Yeah, of course. But he's not, he's just a guy. So tonight... Don't die so easy, okay? Okay. Okay. (clanking sound) They have tied me to a stake... (ticking sound) They... He's lost his line. Have tied me to a stake. (someone coughs) They... Have tied me to a stake! (whispers) I cannot fly. I cannot fly. But bear-like I must fight the course. What's he that is not born of woman? Such a one I am to fear or none! Jerry: What is thy name? Henry: Thou'lt be afeared to hear it. Jerry: No. Though thou call'st thyself a hotter name Than any is in hell. My name is macbeth! The devil himself could not pronounce A title more hateful to mine ear. No, nor more fearful. Thou liest, abhorred tyrant! With my sword I'll prove the lie thou speak'st! (clank of swords) Audience: (gasps) (clank of swords) (desperate cries) (sword slices) Audience: (shocked gasps) Henry: Thou wast born of woman... Good boy, that livened it up. But swords I smile at. Weapons- Audience: (gasps) Oh boy. What the-? (fierce shout) Jerry! (violent grunts and blows) (vicious blow) Henry: Thou wast born of woman... Okay, that was maybe a little Friday the 13th. Lose it next time? Probably best. John... I spent $125,000 on that thrust. Henry has not set foot on it once. Get him out there. You got it. (thunder rumbles) Turn, hell hound, turn! Of all men else I have avoided thee. But get thee back! My soul is too much charged with blood of thine already. I have no words. My voice is in my sword. Thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out! Henry: (maniacal shout) (clank of swords) Audience: (gasps) Henry: (shouts) Audience: (gasps) (angry shout) (clank of swords) Audience: (fearful gasp) (swords clank) John: (shouts in pain) (thunder rumbles) (angry shout) Audience: (gasps in horror) (grunt and struggle) (shouts of pain) (vicious kick) (thunder booms) Henry: (battle cry) (swords clank) Henry: (shouts) (shrieks in pain) John: (great cry) (sword thrust) We have them. Yeah. Yeah, we do. John: Hail king, for so thou art. Behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head. The time is free. I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl, That speak my salutation in their minds. Whose voices I desire aloud with mine! Hail, king of scotland! All: Hail, king of scotland! (roar of applause) Geoffrey: Henry, that was excellent work! (punch) Henry: You are a complete fucking dick, Geoffrey tennant! I'm henry breedlove! I am a great actor. I do not need this shit! I don't want to feel that kind of terror ever again. Geoffrey: But you know what? It works for you. Just listen. (tumultuous applause, cheering and whistling) Geoffrey: Oh, ellen, that was just- (hard slap) Oh, ai, ai, oh. Audience: (wild applause) Bravo! (wild applause) (under breath) you actually stripped me Naked on stage. (under breath) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry. (tumultuous applause) Anna: You returned your tickets and we sold them. But now I need them back. I'm sorry, mr. Gilchrist, But we couldn't accommodate your school group on any day. Most of our shows are down to a few seats. You couldn't give seats away two months ago, But now you're the big hot ticket. You're turning people away. Oh, you're enjoying this, aren't you? Yes, I am. Well at least give me a pair for myself and my wife. Two seats together? Don't have to be. Richard: (sings) ô I am the very model of a modern major general... Ô Frank: I can't hear a thing. How's his vibrato? Cyril: Forced but steady. Hey up. Here comes the e-flat. Oh, he hit it. Frank: Oh, good man. Cyril: Oh, I'm getting quite teary. It's like watching the son we'll never have. Frank: It's inspiring, really. Horrible man like that, changing himself, Living a dream. Richard: (singing) ô ... Though I'm plucky and adventury ô Ô has only brought me down to the beginning of the century ô Ô but still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, ô Ô I am the very model of a modern major-general! Ô (applause) Director 1: That's was wonderful! Really, richard, that was wonderful. Thanks. Director 1: I had no idea you could sing, Or had any desire to sing, Or, or perform. All right, well, I'll wait to hear from you And please, no special treatment. Director 1: Of course not. Okay, all right. Can't wait to see you dance. Excuse me? Choreographer: It's slide, turn and kick. Slide, turn, kick. Step, twist, present arms and jump! Got it? Step, twist and jump? It's easy. And 5, 6, 7, 8! (piano music starts) (indistinct thumps) Frank: Who does he remind me of? Cyril: My cousin charlie. The one with palsy. Frank: Oh that's right. Poor bugger. (chair squeaks) You're not going to say anything? You called the meeting. It's not a meeting. It's a chat. Oh how nice. What will we chat about? The weather? Hmm... How about the slap? You know why I slapped you. So I can expect to be slapped Every time I give you direction you don't agree with? No, sir. I will continue to toe the line, sir! Are you going to the "romeo and juliet" opening? Oh, a new tactic. No, it's not a tactic. Why would you ask me that? Oh I don't know, we were in it once. That was a billion years ago, geoffrey. A billion years ago. Yes it was, wasn't it? Are we done chatting? Sure. (chair squeaks) Should I leave then? Unless you enjoy awkward silences, Yes, you should leave now. Hi. Hi. I suppose you heard. No, about what? My audition. Oh yeah, how'd it go? It went really badly. Yeah, everybody heard. (under his breath) shit! I don't understand. How actors do it? How do they deal with the rejection? They drink. Sounds good. Your office? Sure. Geoffrey: Oh he was pretty upset. Oh and then he cheered up considerably When I told him the average actor in canada Only makes $11,000 a year. Oliver: Well it takes a lot more than talent To become an actor. A lack of ambition is absolutely essential. (chuckles) You haven't said anything about my performance. Oh, um... I know. I'm rusty. It's been years. I overplayed it, didn't I? No, no. You were great. Really. Still... I think a little less gory lock shaking tomorrow. Yes, that's a good idea. Leave them wanting more. Soup's up. Geoffrey: (sighs) What? This my life - I live in a storage room. I eat soup with a dead man. Well it could be worse. How? You could be the dead man. Did you ever think of that? Eat your soup. No, this is insane, oliver. This is more insane Than even I am comfortable with. What are you saying? Are you breaking up with me? We're not together! This is exactly what I'm talking about. We just collaborated on that play. Yes, we did. I owed you. A collaboration is a very intimate thing. Yes, it is. And now it's over. Right? Where are you going? I have to introduce "romeo and juliet". Well... You coming back? Geoffrey: I don't know. Maybe I hope not. Not if I can help it. Thank you, oliver. You're welcome. Oh shit. (applause) Uh, good evening. It is, I am told, a tradition here That on the final night of opening week A token of thanks be presented to, uh... (clears throat) Our season's major sponsor. So I would like to invite mr. Barnaby henderson To come up onstage and accept this framed photograph, Signed by the entire "romeo and juliet" company. Mr. Henderson. (applause) Mr. Henderson: Thank you so much. I just have a few words. Oh. I'm very pleased to accept this gift On behalf of braymore industries, A diversified technology company Providing innovative and practical business solutions For over thirty years. (polite applause) On a personal note, I'd like to say how especially moved I am To be here tonight. "romeo and juliet" is one of the greatest love stories Ever told. And one that has special meaning For my wife carol and me. You see, we've been married 37 years, And in all that time, I don't think we've ever missed A production of this play - That we could get to. Carol can't be here tonight. She's in hospital recovering from heart surgery. She's going to be all right the doctors tell me, But you know, When I think of all the times When we nearly gave up on each other, I get kind of shaky. I wasn't much of a husband there for awhile, I'll tell you that for free, But an experience like this, It teaches you something About the power of love. It certainly does. Well... Enjoy. (applause) Jerry: Two households, both alike in dignity In fair verona where we lay our scene... Ellen: (begins crying) From ancient grudge break to new mutiny Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. How keeps thou hither, tell me and wherefore? The orchard walls are high and hard to climb And the place death, considering who thou art If any of my kinsmen find thee here! Patrick: With love's light wings did I overperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out And what love can do, That dares love attempt. Therefore thy kinsmen are not let to me. Sarah: If they do see thee they will murder thee. Patrick: Alack, There lies more peril in thine eye Than twenty of their swords. I hate this play. Yeah. Patrick: I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes- Sarah: Shh! Patrick: And but thou love me, let them fine me here. My life were better ended by their hate Than death prolonged, Wanting of thy love. Ellen: You watch it and you feel miserable Because you don't have that kind of passion In your life. Nobody does. It's a fantasy. It's irresponsible. Yeah. Patrick: Yet wert thou as far as that vast ocean washed With the farthest sea... You know what I think? I think it's painfully accurate. Two idiots meet, They fall in love, they're happy, briefly, Then all hell breaks loose. Happens all the time. Sarah: ...The inconstant moon, That monthly changes in her circled orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable. What shall I swear by? (laughs) (deep sigh) That old man, oh my god. Mr. Henderson? Yeah. That hurt. I would have got through this quite nicely Without mr. Henderson. I'm so fucking miserable, geoffrey. Yeah, I know. Me too. Am I a loser? Mmm hmm. Yeah, you are. So am I. We're both big, fat losers. (emotional sigh) You're my only friend. Isn't that pathetic? Yeah, that is pathetic. Sarah: ...As the sea, my love as deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have For both are infinite. I owe $27,867.53 in back taxes. Let's watch the show. (emotional sigh) Frank: (sings) ô ... Vagabond! Ô Down, dear. Down, down. Vagabond. Like on stage, You're always going up. Down - vagabond. Darren: My god! That's exactly what this feels like. It's a bit of a goose. Reminds me of the old times. My god, remember our godspell? Henry: All right, you two decide. No, no, no, no. Jerry: I knew where my entrances were. Henry: Well I saw your entrance. (raucous laughter) (indistinct) are good- well, you tell me, okay? Did someone throw cold water at you or what? 'cause I- (laughs) Excuse me, You're over dramatizing the situation. Richard: No, no, can I order tickets for the performance? Or three, three's good. Mr. Archer. That's for you, sir. Hey, hey, hey. You did a hell of a job. Thank you. A hell of a job. I got lucky. That's bullshit, Okay? You took a risk, a hell of a fuckin' risk, And you could have been eating shit right now, But instead, you're basking in glory. Am I right? How's it feel? Feels pretty sweet! (laughs) (slaps face a bit too hard) Can I say something? (can't hear) what? Can I say something personally off the record? Sure. This festival needs an artistic director With a strong business background. More busines savvy than theatre savvy. True. Why hire a crazy artist To hire other crazy fuckin' artists? You're right. All right? Yeah. So how would you like the job? (snorts beer) (coughs) sorry. Sorry. Can you...? Towel. Sloan: Ellen. Hi. I'm uh, crashing the party. Is that cool? Yeah, sure. Sloan: Uh, me and my girlfriend. Tuesday. That's her over there. She seems nice. So uh, how are you two? Both: Good. I thought for sure you'd be married by now. (snorts) We broke up pretty quickly actually. What the fuck? You, you broke up? You broke up with me so you could be together! Well it's complicated, sloan. No it isn't! You guys love each other, right? We did. It doesn't go away. Oh yeah, it can. It's different when you're older. That's bullshit! Geoffrey: No sloan, honestly, We're just- we're a couple of losers, That's all. We're miserable - both of us. Happily. Really. You guys are so obviously meant to be together. It's so obvious it pisses me off, all right? What the fuck? Just deal with it! You fucking broke my heart, ellen, all right? But I knew you were right. I mean, come on. Wow. Out of the mouths of babes. Oh geoffrey... I don't want to be here anymore. Take me home. Frank: (singing) ô call me understudy ô Ô I can't go on tonight ô Ô I'm drinking with me buddy ô Ô I'm getting good and tight ô Ô before they raise the curtain ô Ô I'll be higher than a kite ô Ô so call me understudy ô Ô I can't go on tonight ô Ô tell the cast and crew to break a leg ô Cyril: Ô break a leg ô Frank: Ô and roll me out another bloody keg ô Cyril: Ô bloody keg ô Frank: Ô I need to ease the pain that life can bring ô Ô and liquor is what will hit the spot ô Ô the play is not the thing ô Ô so call me understudy, I think it only right ô Ô me diction will be muddy, I'll never find me light ô Ô before the intermission, I'll be pissin' on the sprite ô Ô so call me understudy, I can't go on ô Ô he can't go on ô Ô I won't go on ô Ô he shan't go on ô Ô I can't go on tonight! Ô Ô that's right! Ô (smattering of applause) Brian: More are men's ends marked than their lives before, The setting sun, And music at the close, As the last taste of sweets, is sweetest last, Writ in remembrance more than things lost past. I'm going to see if david left the taps open. Get one for me, would you? Damn! Thatjabberjaw Tuttle's still watering his lawn. This is the sixth time we've circled the block. I have to pee - and I'm not going in the cup again. - Tie a knot in it, Francine! I won't get stuck talking to Mr Sincerely Wants To Know How You're Doing guy. - God, his genuine interest makes me sick! - Come on. He's perfectly nice. In today's world, perfectly nice gets you perfectly dead. Stupid gas guzzler, that I as an American have a right to drive! How ya doin'? Seriously, I genuinely wanna know. Now's not a good time. I just slammed my hand in the car door. You understand. Come on. - Say hi to Betty for me. - I would, but she died six months ago. - The big C. - Cancer? No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her. Betty died? How did I get so out of touch? I was friends with everyone on the block. You still have friends, like the washing machine, and the family of skillets. "Honey, are we driving to your sister's wedding?" "No, we're frying." Get it? How about a courtesy laugh? They're your friends. I wish I could just throw a party and reconnect with everyone. - But, of course, I can't. - Why not? Because your security clearances and background checks make people uncomfortable. Remember game night with the McLearys? And that's the last time I buy prewashed spinach in a bag. So, Laura, you had an abortion in college. What? "Sports and Leisure" for the wedge. I just wish that for one afternoon you could stop being CIA guy and just be a normal husband so I could have some friends. Gosh, Francine, I didn't know friends meant that much to you. You'll throw that party, and it'll be the bestest party in the land! Oh, Stan. Really? You promise you'll be good? I'll be better than good. I'll be fun! Starting now. I'll be fun in the kitchen! In the bedroom! In the dining room! And I'll be fun at Costco when we're shopping for bulk paper towels! The alien in this video game is awesome He shoots laser beams, he levitates. He's the coolest alien ever. - Oh, I didn't mean... - No, you said it. Now we have to live with it. It's kinda true. You don't have any special powers, do you? I'm a good listener. Know how rare that is in this universe? Yeah, that'll take down an F-14. Can't you do anything? Well, I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit! I wish he'd get sick like ET. - It's going to be a block party. - We'll provide burgers and beer, as long as you provide your charming selves. - No cavity search? - Available on request. Oh, you! Well, I'm so proud of you. You actually are being fun. Oh, Francine. F-U-N. That spells "fun", and that's what I am. A guy who spells fun. - Thatjust leaves the new neighbours. - New neighbours? "Memari"? Oh, God! Tell me they're not Italian. No, I think they're Iranian. - Holy Ayatollah! - Hi. We're your neighbours, Stan and Francine Smith. We came to invite you to our block party. Bob and Linda Memari. We'd love to come. Well, maybe some other time. So, what part of Islam do you hail from? My parents were from Iran, I was born in Cleveland. We also have a Cleveland here in America. It'd be super if you didn't blow it up. The block party starts at three and goes till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want. But not smallpox! Kidding. Kind ofjoking, but not really. Enemies of freedom are in our neighbourhood. Your mother is in denial, but we will be prepared. That's why I have to join the dorky Scout Rangers? The Rangers will teach you skills you need to survive, whether the apocalypse comes in six months or seven. Ahoy, Rangers! Is the scoutmaster around? He stepped out, but my name's Joey. Can I help you, sir? My son is soft. I want you to make him Ranger-rific. That's good. By the way, that's trademarked. You can't use that. Well, good luck. Stand straight, Ranger. One day you'll look back on this day and... OK, Dudley Do-Right's gone. Hey, Spider. Beer me. Stan! The party's starting. You're still planning on being fun, right? You bet. Just undergoing a little last-minute funnification. I think I'm fully strapped. There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus. Nope, ocupado. - I gotta go to a Rangers meeting. - Hold up. Remember how I taught you Morse code? If you're ever taken hostage by a neighbour and end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this. - I'll have a bomb dropped on your location. - I'd be dead. There are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Cousin Billy. The girl from Poltergeist. She must be 16 by now. You could totally hit that. We thought it'd be nice to get the neighbours together. - Who's that woman in the tennis dress? - Karen. Wanna meet her? I just want Greg to check out her sun-damaged skin. That's the kind of leather I want for the couch. - Yeah. Nice. - Hey, Stan. Cheese platter? I'll just put it over here on the international table. - Anyway, glad you could make it. - Are you frisking me? Frisking you? No, this is how white people say hello. Hey, grab me a beer? Keep digging. Cold ones are at the bottom. - What the hell are you doing? - I like to check orifices for explosives. It's a quirk. Indulge me. Not very neighbourly! - Smith, you are hereby an official Ranger... - Awesome! ...if you can recite the oath before the flame hits your hand. - And show us your penis. - Dude, we don't do that. Right. I know. Imagine if we did. That'd be gay, right? I promise to mislead, deceive, beguile, delu... - No! - Holy crap, Smith. - That was awesome! - That was really cool. You're one of us now. - What was that for? - For being such a good sport. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I think this party's a big hit! That's enough sangria. You know, our neighbours are OK. They're like international Chex Mix - eat 'em by the handful, they all taste American. I guess what I'm trying to say is, deep down we're all... - Under attack! - What? Under attack? Who's attacking us? The terrorists! Everyone in your homes, now! You ruined everything! Everything? The hyperbole police are coming to take you away and lock you up in Exaggeration-traz. I think I made my point. Eloquent. I was finally making friends. How could you ruin my party? It was easy. I yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away. Sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin it. I'm, like, "You were there, baby." Dad, what you did was racial profiling. The Memaris had nothing to do with that gazebo. They're trying to destroy us and you want proof? - Yes! - Well, that's fair. I'll go get some. Hello. A phone bill. - Dr Cohen? - Sure, why not? Just get comfortable, and we'll take a look. Very nice. I wish Francine kept hers this clean. What have we here? - Tic Tacs. - Doctor! Why are you going through my purse? Move. Come on, move! I can't see their terrorist-related activities. Dammit! All I was trying to do was keep my country and family safe! I hear ya. All I was trying to do was keep my little sister safe by killing her boyfriend and eating his brain. Let's be friends. I must have some special power. Think, Roger, think. - The ability to walk through walls? - I don't know. You won't know if you don't try. It's times like this I wish I had a wife so I could turn to her and say: "Stop eating bread, you fat pig. Look at your thighs. You disgust me!" Burning down the gazebo? Smith, you have taken us to the next level. About that. I'm not sure I'm Ranger material. I'm thinking about hanging up my kerchief. - No problem. - Really? I can just quit? Sure, it's easy. Just ask the last guy who wanted out. We're gonna take your skin. Please stop! I can't take it any more. - Dad? - Thank God! Get me out of here! This psycho is putting on South Pacific and stepping on all my lines. You didn't find proof the Memaris are terrorists. Listen, Miss Freedom Hater, they'll strike again, and I have to get them off the street. The good news is, in the time I've been locked up, I realised just how to do that. Guard! Oh, wait a second. It's a front hook. I see it. I see it. - Bob! Linda! - There they are. I forgot to tell you. I invited Bob and Linda for brunch so I could apologise poolside. Oh, Stan. Thank you. I've acted horribly to you guys. I'm sorry. Sorry you're terrorists! You turned our yard into a prison camp? Detention centre. By keeping them here, they can't strike again. - You can't do this! - The United States Patriot Act says I can. - Let them out. This isn't funny. - Linda's making a run for the gate. Come on. You can't tell me that's not funny. Ready to talk? I want your full confession on tape. - We didn't do anything. - Terrorist says what? - What? - I thought so. - How could you do this to me? - It's not always about you, Francine. What you're doing violates every tenet of a rational and just society. High-five! Steve, I do have powers after all! I can shoot heat rays out of my fingertips. Look! - Hey, is that my dad's sweatshirt? - I'm having a fat day. What are you doing? Running away. It's the only way to escape those psycho Rangers. Take me with you! Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe. Until you give me details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep. - It's two in the afternoon. - No sleep! Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet lilting lullaby... Hayley! The neighbourhood! Why are you two here? - Release the Memaris. - They're human beings. They have rights. - Why can't you say that to your father? - I will. This Thanksgiving. - But only if he's drunk and the Cowboys win. - Come on! Let's get the Memaris! Hey, stop! You can't go in there! That's my house! Oh! Got boob. Come on, no trespassing! Roger, stopping for that burrito cost us 20 minutes. Can't run away on an empty stomach. Taco King. I think I'm having a delici-gasm. - Hey, there's Smith! Get him! - We're dead! I figured out what my special power is. - Really? - Yes, I'm sure of it. Steve, do you believe in magic? I do! I do! Then close your eyes and hold on. We're gonna fly! Sorry. You don't know if you don't try. I'm gonna lie... I'm gonna lie down. Hey! Hey! Back off! Back off! Don't you all get it? Since they've been locked up, there hasn't been a single attack. - Oh, no! The power went out. - Oh, my God! They've struck again! - The Memaris have been here the whole time. - They must be part of a larger terrorist cell. - What are you doing? - They've recruited others. They're like vampires! Or gays! - Could you get any more insane? - Plug your butt with this clove of garlic! You can't imprison the entire neighbourhood! Oh! Until I figure out who's behind this, no one's going anywhere. Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over. Come on, Francine. Not this old routine - you pull a gun, I pretend I'm gonna do what you want, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo stand-off. Your arm gets tired, you drop your gun, and we have "nobody got shot" sex. Hey! Hey, where are you goi? Francine? Why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex? All right, you've found me. Just tell me what I have to do. Are you kidding? Smith, you take things too far. I mean, the whole electrical grid? My PlayStation runs on electricity. - And my Sonicare! - And Todd's Sonicare. You're out, Smith. No, no, Steve. Don't come near this bush. Pal, that burrito did a number on my alien stomach. - Let's just go home. - Too bad. I guess I'll never find my special power. I'll check the transformer. You'll buy the beers later, right? Can't do it, pal. I gotta work on my toast for your wedding. Jim, look. Behind this bush. There's a turd made of solid gold. And it's studded with diamonds and gems... We're rich, Jim! Rich! All of our dreams are gonna come tr... - Oh, hey, Harlan. - Jeez, we got a mess here today, huh, Jim? Yeah, it's pretty bad. I think it's the transformer. - Where's Mike? - He didn't show up for work today. - That ain't like him. - Yeah, well, you know Mike. - Look, Harlan, I gotta get going. - Yeah, OK. Say hey to Abby. Yeah, yeah. Sure thing. Hey! Hey, hold on a second! - Is there a problem? - I'll say there's a problem. You forgot your wrench. Mondays, right? Thanks. Jim and Abby can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message. Pick up. Something incredible's happened. It'll change our... - Hello? - Who... who is this? Where's Abby? - Idiot! I told you not to answer. - Sorry, I forgot. What? Who is this? Now, which one of you is the terrorist mastermind? You're crazy! Yeah? Well, you're wet. But at least in five minutes I'll still be crazy! Easy on the tequila. How many shooters are you gonna do? All I wanted was to reconnect with the neighbours, and then your paranoid father locked 'em up in the backyard! It's like the world's worst pool party out there. Or the world's best theme party. A terrorist detainment camp theme party? You don't think we'd really lock up our neighbours, do you? Chicken satay, you filthy evildoers? We've got strawberry margaritas. Who wants to get bombed? This is brilliant! Or should I say "Shock and Awesome"? "Shock and..." Sorry, girls. He's taken. Francine, what the hell are you doing? No fraternising! - Can this guy sell sadistic nutjob or what? - All right, that does it. Mr Smith? I was down at the transformer that caused the blackout, and found this. A clue! And there's a name tag. Now all we have to do is find this Stan Smith, and... Wait a minute. That's impossible! Unless somehow they brainwashed me to do their bidding! Good God! I'm the terrorist! - Have you lost your mind? - It's the only logical explanation. Hayley, grab the jumper cables. I have a prisoner to interrogate. A patriot and a terrorist are going in there, and only one of us is coming out. - So authentic. I love a man that can commit. - Not this again! I told you, as soon as my father dies, I will wear the ring. Stop! I'm not a terrorist! I can't even grow a beard! Please! I have a family! - To new friends. - You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan. We know. We've encountered people like him before. - You have? - Oh, sure. I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbours. They were black. Stan, there's a party going on. Can't you take a break? - Not until I crack! - Stan, hold it. I know I've been giving you a hard time for scaring away all my friends. But I've got to say, this is the greatest party I've ever thrown. And I have you to thank for it. I know it's not easy, being married to a CIA man. It's got its advantages. But let's make a deal. From now on, you protect the world from terrorists, and I'll protect the neighbourhood from you. - Here's our hosts! Smile, you two. - No, no! I look terrible! That's my guy. Come on. Everybody up. Up, up, up. Come on. Time for breakfast. Come on, honey. Get up. Good morning, Lila. Come on, sweetie. - Eggs? - Yuck. You're very welcome. Get yourself some orange juice and pour 2 glasses for your sisters. I don't want orange juice. - Me, neither. - I do. Mary rose, don't forget you got band practice after school today. I hate band. Too bad. You signed up for it. You got your lunches? Mary Rose? Yes. Lila? Noni? Lunch? Yes. - Come on. - Love you. Yeah, I love you, too. Ok? We're late. No breakfast? No time. Love you. Me, too. Cross your fingers. Fingers crossed. Sorry I'm late. No problem. Now, I know you guys are lookin' at properties in Lowell and Boston, But we got pretty much everything you'd want for quality loft residences right here. We got exposed brick walls, large windows, high ceilings. Now, there are presently 8 artists working in the mill, but other than that, the building is completely unoccupied. So, what are you doing selling real estate? Making a living. The statehouse job, it's only part-time. How much do you make as a representative? If you don't mind my asking. A rep makes 12,000. Speaker makes double. Nobody's getting rich doing the people's business, are they? How the hell you guys make ends meet? I develop real estate and with the financial backing of men like yourselves. Assuming the numbers work for us. Didn't know the numbers were a problem. We might need a little legislative assistance. What the hell's the difference between responsibility and duty? You taking drugs again? This guy in A.A. Last night. He says, "Duty is a poor man's responsibility." What the fuck is he talkin' about? What's he do, this guy? Do? I don't fuckin' know. I-- I think he's a lawyer or somethin'. Lawyer. All right, what he means is this-- Duty is what poor slobs like you do to help rich assholes like him fulfill his responsibilities. He's callin' me a slob? Why don't you kick the shit out of him next time? Motherfucker. And what are we lookin' at? Our future. It's isolated. It's on a corner. Doors front and back that work for the bookie trail. It's not for sale, though. You never know. I got the luck of the irish. What the hell we need headquarters for? Really. Make plans. Launch operations. Plans? What kind of plans? Strategic plans. Think of it this way-- We'll be runnin' a military campaign. Yeah, but Freddi's already got a headquarters. The green bar. Talkin' about divisional headquarters. Meade had divisional headquarters at Gettysburg, right? Our own headquarters. Exactly. "Mr. And Mrs. Bradford Dinkleschpiel?" "Ms. Hermione Gaston." Yeah. Overweight, single, Early 50s, And she watches way too much daytime tv. Hey, gotta pee. And she always gives me the same bottle of cheap wine for christmas, Even though I told her I don't even drink. "Gaston." Sounds like one of the three musketeers. D'artagnan and gaston. I think gaston is one of the three musketeers. Is he? W hat? Hey, should we roll another one of these? You've got the stamina of a deadhead. Battery recharged? You're a deadhead marathon runner. Well, well, well. Eileen? Representative, know what I was thinking? No, Tommy. What were you thinking? I was thinking, you and I, we should write a bill together. A bill. A bill mandating tax breaks for out-of-state commercial developers For the purpose of luring high-end firms who want to turn our empty factories into condos. Sounds to me like you got somebody to bite on the old harris mill building. Well, all those boston yuppies who can't afford anything nice in Boston, they still need a place to live, Providence being 30 minutes away. We'll improve our tax space, which will improve the schools, not to mention increase trade of restaurants, coffee shops, hair salons, boutiques-- You know, it sounds great, Tommy. I'd be honored to sponsor a bill with you. So have your people draw up a draft of the text and send it over to me. Ok? What, that easy? Look, I appreciate you not saying anything, ok? But I want to clear the air. The speaker. He came to my house. He woke up my kids. This wasn't a request. It was an order. What are you talkin' about? You don't know? What? Ah, shit. The highway spur. It's back through the hill. - No, no, no. - Tommy. No. We had a deal. - Push your subsidy through committee. - Tell him that. He's a force of nature. You know that. Eileen, good to see you. Dr. Murphy. How's the distinguished representative? Distinguished. Kids? Whatever the opposite of distinguished is. Midget sadists. Eileen, we need to talk about your last pap smear. It came back with a small irregularity. You mean cancer? No, no, no. We've ruled out cancer. Then what? Well, it could be related to any recent sexual activity or perhaps even just the use of vaginal preparations. Sexual activity. Yeah. There's a possibility it could be caused by a sexually transmitted disease. Say herpes or trichomonas. Or aids? Well, not likely in your case, right? But I would like to run a couple of tests, merely as a precaution. Ok? I'll give you $200,000 of my bogus money. You can launder it through your street trade. Whatever. That's 200,000 free and clear. Your hundreds are good, but your fifties are shit. You still got a good eye. That's why I'll only give you the hundreds. And in return? I want the rest of paddy's turf. Fuck that. Paddy's turf is mine. Who's a better businessman? Me or Moe? You've seen what I've done With the chop shop and the bookie trail. Your take is way up. I'll do the same with the rest of paddy's territory. I'll make you rich. Moe will give you a fuckin' headache. Fuck you. 200,000. Hey, Freddi-- Shut the fuck up. 300,000. And give you the rest of paddy's territories, includin' the bookie trail. The chop shop? That goes back to Moe. Done. This is fucking bullshit, Freddi. Fuck you. Freddi... I want my own place. It's the divisional headquarters, Freddi. You know? Like a strategic thing. That's all. Let's be real clear about this. You work for me, and I want you around here so I keep an eye on you. Everything ok? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Ok. - What are you doin' here? - I gotta take a test. A test? They're tellin' me-- I've been having fibroids, and the drugs that are supposed to work aren't. So if things aren't better by today, they're gonna want me-- Hysterectomy. You want me to stay? No. No. Thanks. I'll go in with you. Eileen, really, I don't need any help. I got nothin' better to do. Believe me. Jimmy's startin' to look at me like, somethin' that doesn't work, you know? A broken stove or a rusted-out car. Maybe the test will turn out ok. Maybe. ! Ogen! Ogen! My shoulder... It only grazed it... Grandfather! Ogen... but he was already- but he was already- Kouga Danjou. Why are you here? I see... The Iga are doomed if nothing is done! Escape with the survivors! Bastard! Ogen! Ogen! Just accept it! The hammer will drop on Nobunaga eventually! No human being would carry out such an injustice! Danjou-sama. Return to the Kouga... I promise I'll come see you someday. we need to get you to safety. But first you need medical attention... Sakinta! Who's there? ! Hannojou! Hikoza! This is a Kouga blade! Danjou-sama. Renbu! Why are you in Tsubagakure first? I'll explain later! Why do you kill the Iga? ! What an odd question... The retired shogun has ordered us to use this opportunity to exterminate the Iga! What? ! 'Tis hardly an onerous job. Oda's lines are infallible. All we're doing is exterminating the Iga insects who dare to slip through the cracks! Unforgivable! I am the chief! It was decided that your opinions on this matter need no consideration! That can't be! Danjou-sama... Have you deceived us-and me? ! Ogen! How can you say that? ! Wait! This is some sort of- Ogen? ! Ogen! Ogen! Your wound! but it's actually near a vital spot! Ogen! Show me your wound! Ogen! I guess it just wasn't in the stars... Please die... Kouga Danjou! Ogen-ba. I doubt you know who the Kouga Manjidani Ten are... I doubt you know who the Iga Tsubagakure Ten are... Ten? You mean nine. You let your guard down... That Yashamaru boy is still quite inexperienced... Ogen Dan- Ogen! Ogen... Ogen! Kouga Danjou Melting away in the melody you whisper in the twilight I sense eternity in our attracting eyes and life sprouts silently The dew of emotions that dances and flutters about in the spring wind is a crumbling butterfly dream that wildly disturbs the path of the stars Oboro" "Kouga Gennosuke" is a crumbling butterfly dream that wildly disturbs the path of the stars is a crumbling butterfly dream that wildly disturbs the path of the stars Kouga-Iga Border - Toki Pass" is a crumbling butterfly dream that wildly disturbs the path of the stars Kouga-Iga Border - Toki Pass Sorry I'm late... Oboro-dono... Gennosuke-sama... Mutual Killing Next Episode Kouga and Iga. the wind of tranquility blows. Two beautiful hearts trust and bond. In the night sky of their humble rendezvous soar the blood-soaked signal fires that are the secret scrolls. On the next Basilisk~ Kouga Ninpouchou- The love which ends with the first light Streaming in on the dreamy morning Starting tomorrow, we go our separate ways So abruptly, we can't prepare our hearts Was there something We knew which could not wither away? Cherry blossoms falling everywhere Saying with your voice Goodbye, fall in love Forget all your tears Starting now, fall in love Does the message reach you now? It's finally begun. Begun? There must be a big commotion on the surface. This is most likely an attack started because... you people have arrived at the Vodara Shrine. Attack? What for? No doubt ordered by a man who doesn't want you sent to the other side of the Zone. A young man named Dewey. Then, what about Holland and the guys? Relax. That man isn't going to be defeated so easily. You know that? It's just a hunch. This tower... using a portion of Lady Sakuya's powers, had a barrier wrapped around it. However, now that we can hear the rumbles of the attacks down here... It's proof that Lady Sakuya decided that the powers used... to protect this tower will now be used for another purpose. Another purpose? Right now, Lady Sakuya is building up her powers. ...so that together we can send you two to the other side of the Zone. To the true promised land. The true... promised land? EPISODE 42 STARDANCER Not looking good, Leader. No way we can win if it's nine against two! The soldier monks have stopped attacking, but now... I need help! I'll go. -Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Dad'll be right back. Daddy's not leaving, honey. He's just helping your brother in the bathroom. It's okay. Hey, look at that! What's going on? I'm trying to poop, but I can't. Just relax, David. Don't work so hard. But my stomach hurts. I had to burp, but I need to poop. Well, sometimes if you just sit there, a fart will just work its way out. Who said anything about a fart? HoneyI The Terminix guy is finished. A fart's just as good as a burp, David, sometimes even better. A fart, a burp or a poop. What am I talking about? -Mr. Ronson ... you have a problem. -Fantastic. Here it comes! I gotta bring these galleys I proofed into work today. Shouldn't your boss be proofing' those? Yeah, she should, but she's behind for maternity leave ... so I'm covering for her. So much for taking the job so you can work on your book. Anyway, it would be great if you could drive me. Oh, sweetie, I can't. Today is Monday. -So? Well, alternate side is in effect, so I gotta move the car. Into another parking spot? -Yeah. You're not going to drive me because you have to park the car on the other side of the street? Well, you're oversimplifying it now. How's that? You only use the car when you need to drive it 10 feet ... into a legal parking spot. -If I'm lucky. That doesn't make any sense! Look, if we're not gonna use it, will you just sell it? I like knowing it's there. Booyah! Bam! Bam! Mmm. Right. So if there's an emergency, we always have a way out of Manhattan. Well, you laugh now, but that thing is fully equipped. Tobey, you've got two bottles of water in there and four PowerBars. How far is that gonna get us? The car has special meaning to me. Can you deal with that? Why? Look, if you must know ... the first time I saw you, I was in that car. Fine. I'll take a cab. I gotta go. -All right, baby. Later. -What, are you kiddin'me? Okay, so it sounds like everything's goin' good. Yeah. -Yeah. I mean, there's still all the same old issues. What are those? What are the same old issues? Well, you know, like no sex. -Well, that's your issue. I'd say that's our issue. -No. I'm just not ... a sex maniac like you are. I'm not a maniac. I just like it. Twice a day. What is that look supposed to mean? It's not like I'm saying I like to kill baby squirrels. I like to have sex. Always from behind. -Now, that is a lie. That's a lie. -You know it is not, Tom. You know, sometimes I would just like to look at you. Maybe you'd have more luck if you did something a little more romantic. The only way to approach you is from behind because your back's always turned to me. I'm reading. I just like to have a minute to myself without you pawing at me all day. Well, forgive me if I want to touch my wife. Here's what I think. I think, if I may say ... we could get a lot more work done if you'd come in more than once a year. Would you think about it? We'll think about it. -Yeah. Would you - And, Tom ... listen to Rebecca and don't- don't paw at her. And just give her some space, okay? And Rebecca, think about having sex with Tom. Possibly doggy style. Okay? And I have your cell numbers, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. Therapy always makes me so horny. Did he actually say "doggy style"? Yeah. I knew I liked that guy. I gotta go. -Mmm. No. Tom, I have rehearsal. Don't suck my face off. Did I tell you I had a dream last night that you gave me a blow job? Yeah. I had a dream that I gave you a German shepherd. Unhand me. And remember, you're picking up David from school ... and we need milk. I know. It's my new life- househusband. Hey, dude. You asked for it. Yo, Miss Rollack. Rebecca. Yo! Come on, Rebecca. Just give us a couple of pictures! Yeah, you leavin'? -You wish! Blow me, dickhead! Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. Megan Sweetlander's office. May I help you? Hey, it's me. -Oh, God. I'm swamped here. -Oh, just hang up on them all. I did it. Oh, my God. I was kidding! Jesus, that felt good. -Hey, do you think I'm crazy? Not compared to other actresses, no. How often do you and my brother have sex? Satisfying sex or just sex? Oh, say no more. -I try to, but he won't listen. Ha-ha. You know, we have good- We have good sex. Sometimes. Elaine! -Um, I really gotta go. Do you ever worry that Tobey'll cheat on you? Only with his therapist. I'm hanging up. Uh, unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts. You never have time for me any- -Thank you. Elaine. -Yes. "A curveball is the speed of the air ... moving fast" Hey. Hey, I'm just reading your article on wrist injuries in older pitchers. That's fascinating stuff. Yep. I really blew the lid off carpal tunnel syndrome. Well, at least you have a job. When Rebecca asked what I was doing this morning, I said "the usual." You think she knew that meant breakfast, jerk off, nap, late lunch? Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have quit advertising. As I remember, you hated it, felt empty and hollow ... worthless, void of meaning, purposeless- Any of this ring a bell? It might be better than this. I'm beginning to feel like a kept boy. Only I don't know what I'm being kept for. -Sex? Sure, if you're up for it. Rebecca's not. That's weird. She slept with everyone in high school. And even when we do have sex ... it's-it's like she's not adventurous anymore. Cottage cheese. It's like she used her sexual adventurousness to lure me in, and she's just normal. She's just normal. Mommy's just normal! I guess you hoped it'd be more like marrying a hooker, huh? Yeah. Except without the payment though. Speaking of that, do you have another word for fish lover? -Hold on a second. Excuse me, sir. Can we cut in front of you? We gotta get home for our nap. We gotta rush. We're in a rush. Um... aficionado? Do you take milk? -Oh. I do ... but I like to pour it myself. Oh, yeah. I just wanted to say I think you're awesome ... and I feel incredible ... to be able to, you know ... share the stage with you, Miss Pollack. Rebecca. What was your name again? Jasper. I had a puppy named Jasper. -Hi. That's funny, because my last name is Bernard. Like Saint Bernard. -Right. Like the dog. Right. -Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Mmm. Oh! Careful. My dear. Do you have a moment? -Oh, yeah. I know you turned down a film to do this role, and I do appreciate that. I do, however, feel the need to remind you ... that this is a play, not a film ... and it will require some projection. It was just a table read. -No defenses, okay? Oh, Jasper! Dad, I can't reach it. Help me. Oh, you're close. Reach. Hey, Mom, I wanna take home mine too. Okay. Go ahead. You know you're breaking the rules. What do you mean? That stuff's not supposed to go home till the end of the year. Well, David told me he needed-he needed it. Yeah? You also give him chocolate for dinner, right? What are you, the room monitor or something? No. It's refreshing to see someone breaking the rules. You're a rebel. -Mom, help me! Okay. Here we go. I'll help you too, David ... Thank you. -'cause your dad would leave you standing here all day. Wow, you're strong! -Thank you. If you tell, I'll say you did it, and they'll believe me. Come on. Come back soon. Thank you. So how come only once a year? Well, you don't want to dissect it too much. It's like a tune-up. If you go regularly, you just become one of those couples ... that disappears up their own assholes, you know? As my father used to say. Thank you for that image while I'm eating a whole fish. I don't think fish have assholes. Boys. No more use of that word while there's food on the table. Yeah. They got us. How's the play going? -It's all right. The director's sort of a pretentious moron. That's a drag. -Hi, Roberto. Ciao, Miss Pollack. And this has got to be ... -Asshole. my last carbohydrate-heavy meal for a very long time. Are you kidding? You look great. How's the book? I think I'm done. Wow! I'm gonna start sending it out to agents. Yowsa. -What? I don't know what makes me think I know anything about kids. No, it's a terrific idea. -Oh, my God. That's Faith Faison. -That's Faith Faison? He already wants to know when they're making it into a movie. She sees you. -What are you doing? Sometimes you get- Tasting the wine. -something caught in your mouth. Tobey! Faith, wow! -My God! How are you? Oh, my God! I can't believe you're here! Geez! Whoa! Well, no, I always come here. You're not gonna find better Northern Italian food ... anywhere in the city. That's my husband. -What? Oh! Well, that's my girlfriend. Of seven years. Oh! -Elaine. Hi. -Hi. It's nice to meet you. Congratulations on getting married. -Oh, thank you. Are you guys gonna? What? We're married. And it's overrated. What? -Uh-oh! Hi-oh! -I'd better go. So great to see you. -Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, Jesus Christ. And I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your work. Thank you very much. You hate that, don't you? Bye-bye. So, who was that chick? Who? Tobey! You are the worst. What, Faith? I don't know. Knew her in college. She an old girlfriend? -No. She's pretty. -Yeah. You see her boyfriend? I mean, do you have to work out every day? Did you know, by the way, that muscle sinks faster in the pool? He's her husband, actually. Oh. Seems a little young for that, doesn't she? You're the only one who thinks you have to be 40 to get married. She probably wanted to do it before she was completely barren. Oh! That reminds me. I taped the, uh, documentary for you ... on the Serengeti. Tobey! I said Ferlinghetti. It was for work. Oh. Well, hey, come on. Serengeti's cool. Right? Yeah. It's great. See? I'm fun. Mmm. Who knew lobster cannelloni was an aphrodisiac? Is that what this is? No. It's lobster Ponson. You pay Maria when we get home and then meet me in the bedroom. Like for sex? Don't ruin it. Thank you so much. -Thank you. The kids were great. -The kids love you. David drew a big picture of baboon- -That's great. and the little girl. You get home safe. -Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I, uh- I have to go to the bathroom. I'm gonna get a drink. What the hell? Huh? Oh! It was my last night of carbs ... and I wanted to take advantage of it. You know, sometimes it's those near-death experiences ... that make us wanna participate in life that much more. I can still kinda taste the throw up. Good. Whoa, whoa! Oh! Bouncy, bouncy. Bouncy, bouncy. Just one more thing, then we're gonna go home, okay? Is that it? -Let me get one of those. This one? -No, no, no. Three down from Sports World and one to the left. Uh ... this one? No, no. Your other left. Diag-Diagonal from there. Shaved? Ah, good one. That's 3.15. Here. Candy for the baby. Good man. -And the candy, one dollar. No, I-I don't wanna be too hard on him. It's just that I feel like he's not directed, and that makes him unhappy. And the more unhappy he gets, the more desperate he gets. And the more desperate he gets, the less I wanna have sex with him. Oh. For Tobey, desperation is foreplay. You know, I should probably be ... more attentive. Or at least permissive. Do you ever wonder what your life would be like ... if you'd chosen someone different? Like, okay, I was on the train the other day. This guy was sitting across from me. He was wearing this big, cozy Vermonty sweater. Just seemed ... old-fashioned ... like he probably had tons of kids who climb all over him at bedtime. They go sledding in the winter. Pick flowers in the spring. Kill deer in the fall. No. I just did not expect to want to have a baby this soon. A baby? Oh, I don't know. All of a sudden it just ... feels right. Honey, you're so young, you know? And Tobey, he's just like a teenager with a checking account. Excuse me. These are from the young man over in the corner. He wanted you to know that you are, like ... awesome? Who is that? -See ya at rehearsal. I'll tell ya later. That was kinda fun. -Yeah. Maybe I should become a first grade teacher. Who was that mother you were talking to? Who? Oh, that-that's, uh, that's Shannon's mom, you know? She's a divorcée, right? I don't think anybody's used that term ... since, like, 1954. She's pretty. I guess. You know, uh, you do kinda owe me. I owe you? -And I know you're tired. But I have a way where you don't have to exert any energy at all. Do you have to wear your retainer? If that's one of your tapes, you can forget it. Okay. Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna close my eyes ... and you have to tell me everything that's happening on TV. No way in hell I'm gonna do that. It's either that or actual sex. You make the call. This is erotic for you? Okay- -Oh. No, no, no. Okay. There's some kind of a credit sequence happening. Just, uh-it's very simple. Black on white titles. Okay, Scorsese. Save your breath for the good stuff. Now there's some people in the worst set design I have ever seen. Come on. -Okay. Um- Okay, no, here they go. Here they go. Wow. Um-yeah, pants are off. -Mm-hmm. Dress is off. Penis is hard. They're starting. A little less like a list, please. Oh, Jesus. -What? This guy's dick is green and kind of crooked. It's, like, twice the size of yours! Another, um-another woman's coming in. -Yeah? She is Chinese. -Nice. No. No. -No? Uh, Filipino. -Okay. She's hiking up her uniform. And that is a terrible wax that she has. It's all irritated. And-Geez, what would you call that? Um ... I guess it's a piercing. I really don't know how to describe it accurately ... but whatever it is, it's flaring the lens. Ho, ho, ho. Cookie, sir? -No, thank you. Christmas cookie. Go on, take one. -Get away from me! Well, the most important thing ... is to remain calm. Honey. Honey. Calm down. Let's just start again. Take the cable remote. The one that says cable. That's right. Hit the power button. What do you see? Okay. Well, you probably just changed the channel on the TV. So get the TV remote. Not cable, but TV. That's right. Hit three. Nope. That's impossible. Is the TV plugged in? I would like to have electronic freedom. Um- You must have a VCR and a cable box. Does ... your wife ... have this much trouble? Let's not go there again, shall we, Tobey? Why is it so important for you to know about my personal life? Hmm? Let's keep this about you. Um ... you haven't mentioned death today. There-There is a phrase ... that you've uttered in, um, yes, in every session, mm-hmm, so far. "I mean, we're all going to die. Doesn't that freak you out?" And you never answer me. Actually, it does seem to me ... that this whole kind of television-TiVo tangent thing ... is really an elaborate avoidance ... for what's really going on. Oh. And ... what's really going on? You tell me. Come on, baby! Come on, baby! Oh! Oh, my God! That was- That was good. I mean, the candles and the whole ... lighting design in general. Thank you. -That was some setup. Yeah. -You- You were like, um, that guy from the Yankees. That one. That, um-that pitcher that they bring in at the end. Mariano Rivera, the closer? -Yeah. Huh. Huh. Heh. He always looks so confident ... like he's gonna do whatever it takes. You know, he almost never loses a game. I bet he's got a really big family. No. -Oh, I love ... those big Spanish families, you know? You know, they've got lots and lots of kids. Well, they're Catholic. They're not allowed to use birth control. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about ... valuing cultural reproduction. Well, maybe if they valued cultural reproduction a little less ... we wouldn't be in the middle of a population explosion ... that's running the risk of using up all our natural resources. I know you don't think that. I do? Do you believe in fate? I'm not talking about the fact that we're all fated to death ... but the fact that there are some things that are meant to happen ... and some things that are not meant to happen. I have ... no idea. You don't, do you? Ponson, Ponson, Ponson, Hirsch, Jacoby Ponson. What's another kind of flower you can get a woman other than a rose? What about an orchid? -You kidding? That's even more expensive. -Well, it must be an important occasion. Just trying not to get kicked out of my house. You could go down to Central Park and pull up something for free. That's not a bad idea. But I'd have to wrap it myself. Elaine is not going to kick you out of the house. She mentioned fate. -Uh-oh. I'd spring for the orchid. What kind of porn you looking at? Good old-fashioned man-woman, woman-horse stuff. You're such a purist. -I am. I thought you were supposed to become less horny when you turned 40. What? -You can't give a woman berries, can you? Oh, I've taken a wrong turn somewhere. -Ooh, I've gotta go. I think I found the flowers I want. Hi-oh! Hello? -What kinda sale we talkin' about? How did I get in here? I'm gonna throw it to you next. Good throw. -Me! Me! Mr. Ponson! Mr. Ronson, throw it to me! Throw it to me! Hold on. I'm gonna throw one to Liam. That was like fishing. -Hey. The rebel without a cause. Hey. -Sorry, Mr. Ronson. Nice catch. -Hi. Uh, listen. The kids and I, we're going up to Serendipity ... to celebrate the anniversary of their father leaving us. Hi, Mommy. -Hi, honey. Do you guys wanna come along? Wait. So you wrote that? -Uh-huh. I love that commercial. -Well- "Got milk?" God, it just cuts through all the bullshit. It's-It's inspired. Well, I wouldn't say it's inspired. It's just simple. So what did you do, like take time off to write a book or something? Uh, no. Not exactly. I've thought about that, but- -Oh, you should. You'd be great. Really. I have a sense about these things. Here. Yep. Author. Definitely. You see that there? Yeah, I do. "Surrounded by friends, she was happy and snug. "She smiled to herself and said ... 'Maybe life in the big city isn't that bad after all. ' The end. " It would be crazy not to publish this immediately. It's very timely. It's about a little girl battling a dragon. Right, but with women's lib and all- You see my point. Oh, my God! I hope they like it! They're gonna love it. There's one thing. -Oh, Tobey, come on. The book is finished. Please, I ca-I can't make any more changes in it. Hey, it's not about the content of the book, okay? It's about the presentation. Okay. -Okay? Okay. -This picture? Just seems so goody-good. Well, it is a children's book. -Right. I know that. But the people who publish it aren't children. This is, you know, just- it's just slightly annoying, you know? Show some cleavage. You actually think I should show... cleavage? Mmm. Yes, I d- That's what I'm talkin' about. Are you crazy? -What? Kids, they love the beach. And this shows them that you're fun. Don't underestimate that. Wait a second. You don't- You don't think it's a little ... too much? I wanna pay attention to that girl. Standing at 3 foot 7... weighing in at 47 pounds of strapping lefty ... digs in. Got a hold of that! -That's a home run! Yep. Touch 'em all. -Hello! What's goin' on? Just a little thing that we like to call spoonball! Oh. Okay. Well, Mommy's home. Spoonball is over before someone gets hurt. Aw, come on, Mom. Yeah, come on, Mom. It's the bottom of the ninth! We should be having boy time ... because my dad made me have girl time. What do you mean, honey? -Dad made me have a play date ... with Shannon from my class. -Really? Nobody made you do anything, David. They invited us to Serendipity. -Oh, really? They? Come on, Dad. Ritch it! -Yep. Okay. Ow! Oh! Ah-ah. -Oh, my-Tom! Goddamn it! -I-I-Let me see. Dude, you only get one. This is a complicated one. I gotta get the wording right. Got it. Yea. -Yea. I gotta hit the head. So? -Please don't ask her anything inappropriate in front of me. I can ask her whatever I want. For such a closed-off person, it's like you have no boundaries. It's better than living surrounded by the Great Wall of China. What does that mean? You-You know what that means? -Mm-hmm. It means you're closed off. -Like a Chinese person? No, Tom. It means you like to talk, but about nothing important ... so then whenever your emotion or resentment or whatever dark stuff you have builds up ... you throw a spoon at me. -I didn't throw the spoon. - David threw the spoon. - Shut up. We only have a minute to talk before he gets back. So, um, anything come up? Did he say anything at all? No. He's been really busy. -Busy? Tobey, busy? Stay out of it. It's fine! It's just our lifestyle these days. I mean, it's not just our lifestyle. It's our whole society's lifestyle, you know? I mean, there are a lot of people who are ... tethered by an old-fashioned sense of love ... and, uh, family ... and sometimes I look at them and I wonder ... if living such a simple life ... can actually be completely gratifying ... and if they understand how rich and fertile... living in the gray area is. I mean, because it's all really about being happy. Right? -Honey- No. Do I wish that there was a little bit more romance? Yes. Of course I do. But it's an ebb, a flow. It's shifting, and I'm on that journey. What'd I miss? -That's all there is to it. Honey. Looks like I finally digested that corn. What? How much further? -Just one more block. Come on. We're close. Why'd you park so far away? This is the only legal spot after 11:00. What the fuck? My car is gone! It was right here! Well- They probably towed it. Can we just get a cab? I'm freezing. But this is a legal spot! They didn't tow this guy's car! Oh, I swear to God- Tobey, would you shut up? Please! All right. It's-It's- It's okay, Elaine. They just tow it to the pound. We can get it out. I want to get married and have a baby! And you don't. Okay. Let's just get a cab. Oh, sh-I have wasted ... seven years of my life with you! Oh, shit. I need ... you ... to find somewhere else to stay tonight. Hey! Hello? Honey-Honey, what is it? What happened? Aw, sweetie. He did? Oh, that fucking car! Hey, what's going on? Rebecca's on the other line with her right now. Hi, Tom. Pamela? -I hope I'm not getting you at a bad time. Um, no, no. I was just, uh, relieving myself. What? -I mean, uh- Hello? I mean I-I'm just- I'm-I'm relieved that it's you. Good. Come in. Hey. -Hi. You all right? -Oh, yeah. - You look a little tense. - Oh. You think? Whoa. Yeah. I guess I am a little tense. Yeah. Let me just- You're strong. Have you ever had a, uh- ever had a problem, you know- I guess you haven't been listening to me for the last 15 years. No, like-like- like another woman problem. Issue. What, do you have one? Tom? -Please don't say anything. I'm not sure what's going on- -Hey! Hi! -Hey! Hey. Hi. Oh! You're the last person I expect to see. Yeah, well. Here I am. Eating soup. Yeah. Yeah. You remember Tom? -Hi. Are you okay? You look tired. Uh, well, actually, um ... Elaine and I split up ... about, uh-about three weeks ago. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Yeah, well, it was a long relationship- You know what? I'm gonna go. -Okay. Bye. -Oh, wait. I thought we were gonna go see a movie together. I gotta check something out. -Hey. Watch where you're going, asshole. -Sorry. Shit! -Honey! Honey, look who's here. Did you see this prick that just knocked into me? I should have smacked him upside the head. -No. No, don't do that. Honey, remember Tobey? -Hey. What's up, bro? -Hey. Oh! All right. -Oh! Paper covers rock. Remember that? Hey, do you like music? You know? 'Cause Rand is promoting this great new club ... and it's really-it's really hot. Yeah. You know. -Oh! O-Oh, well, I'd love to. I mean, if that's an invitation. -Absolutely! Yes. I just need an e-mail address. -I ... come ... clubbing. Uh ... yeah. It's ... A-S ... S-M ... A-N-2... - 0-4 at AOL. Com. - Okay. Got it. One through 203 were taken. Okay. Well, I will e-mail you the details then. All right. My man. -Assman. Bye. -Okay. Hi. Are you- -Norah. Norah? Wow! Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late. I was afraid that they weren't gonna let you sit down. Oh, it was difficult, but I finally managed to persuade them. I never imagined when I submitted my book ... that it would elicit a response from the head of the company. I'm grateful you agreed to see me, actually. Are you kidding? Do you know who you are? I think so. I'm sorry. That was-that was crass. I just got out of a relationship with a crass man ... nothing to do with gardening. Anyway, I don't know. I say these things. I don't know where they come from. Excuse me. I'm so sorry. -Are you okay? I'm fine. Are you okay? Jesus. I'm fine. I'm just wet. You're choking. No, because I called. Because I left a message for you. Would you- Would you just fuck you for just a- I'm sorry. Look, I'm really sorry. Excuse me. I-I- Yeah. No, I'm fine. No, you know, I'm a little tense today. Susie, you know I- I love talking to you ... but I don't think that on my cell phone right now is- She's horrible. She called me this morning, and she's screaming at me. I'm really in very bad shape. Basically I'm exhausted. The bank is calling me all the time, and the contractor called twice. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. Really, really difficult day. The lady who lives upstairs from me ... that horrible bitch I'm always fighting with? Douche bag! I want to start off this meeting by first thanking Sensei Goldberg ... for the use of his dojo. I would like to also welcome the sensei as our newest member ... of the Broadway division of Sex Addicts R' Us. So that means if you are here ... for the previously scheduled seminar on owning your orgasm, you're in the wrong place. Shit. It's been moved to the basement of Our Lady of Poland on 34th street. Thirty fourth? -Yeah. Are you here for the meeting? What? The meeting? Yes. The meeting? Yeah. The meeting. Yeah. I thought- I thought I'd check it out. Welcome. Your name? Tobey. -Hi, Tobey. Well, my friend Rebecca says ... she thinks that men are never really ready to have a baby ... and that you have to trap them. What do you think? I don't really think about it. But I certainly think you shouldn't be spending your energy trying to trap a man. You're way too talented. I believe in fate. I think you're meant to have this time, Elaine. You're meant to-to explore. Sounds like you need it. I don't know what I need. Well, I think you know more than you're willing to admit. This is me. Oh. Sweet. Thank you so much for lunch and for the walk. It was delicious, don't you think? Yes. So do you think that there's any chance ... you're gonna publish my book? You know, Elaine, you're a very talented young woman ... and, quite frankly ... I was very taken with the photo you sent with your submission. Mm-hmm. -But I want to be honest with you. I don't like to rush these things. I like to go slow. -Okay. So let's meet and see how it goes. Okay. Ah, get a room. It was never enough. No matter how many times ... different positions- none of it made me feel whole. In fact, it just made me feel empty. How's the sandwich? Okay, so ... just a recap. Uh, John is not happy ... unless he can fit his penis inside a hard, inanimate object. Preferably coarse. Right. Sarah, you had a relapse this week... again putting yourself in danger with a power tool. And, uh, Gordon ... the sex you are having with your wife's mother ... and your wife's mother's sister is putting your homelife in major jeopardy. That leaves ... Tobey. I'll pass. -Great. Sandwich guy's gonna pass? Great. Very trusting. It's traditional that everyone shares. Well ... I've been having an affair. With a woman ... who is not my wife. And, um, I, uh- I like her to wrap me in deli meats. I need her to wrap me in deli meats ... in order to achieve an orgasm. Usually ham. Thinly sliced. I know it's not normal. No one here knows what that word means, Tobey. You're amongst friends. Continue. And hand me the sandwich. Am I allowed to wear fur? Do I, like, give off that vibe? Is she attractive? -So funny. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was tell Tobey. He would have died of excitement- a possible threesome. I had a threesome once. It was with two guys who turned out to be gay. I was just kind of the window dressing. It all made sense in retrospect ... but I can't tell you what it did for my self-esteem. Yeah. It seems really damaged. What does that mean? -Nothing. You know, I don't get what people think of me ... that I have no problems or feelings- I'm perfect, I'm like a robot? No, honey. Nobody thinks that. We all think you're great. We all have problems. You know, I always thought of a relationship as two people holding a stick. Sometimes the stick is short and you're close and you can look into each other's eyes ... and other times it's long and you can barely see the other person ... but you both always hold onto your end of the stick. You don't let it drop. I'm okay. I'm just stressed. We should go out. Just you and me. Jesus, what? I just thought of a great guy for you. Oh ... I don't know. No weapons in the club. If you got a weapon, you gotta give 'em up at the door. No exceptions. Would you move? All right. Make room for her. Hey, Wall Street, make way for the lady. Hey. How are you? -Hi. How are you? Good to see you. Have a good time. -Thank you. Hey, you're here. -I'm glad I didn't bring my piece. Hi. How are you? -Hi. Uh-Where's-Wh-Where's, uh- -Rand? He couldn't make it. Oh-Oh, I'm sorry he couldn't make it. He, uh- -I'm not. Oh, come on. Let's dance. Oh, no-no. No-No, I don't- I'm not-That's not really my thing. Come on! More of a slow dancer. All right. Thank you. Hey, baby. Will you hold this for me? Thank you. Hold my horn. Uh, that's a little something we call "Serenade for a French Horn ... in F-sharp." This next one ... we call "Juniper." And if any of you out there know what a juniper plant is ... I think you'll understand. Peace. Oh, my God. He just bowed to you. It wasn't to me. -It wasn't to me. He doesn't even know me. -I told him all about you already. When? -On the phone. Oh, my God. I didn't even bow back. I'll introduce you to him after, and you can bow then. Hey, you guys, that was great. So flowing, man. I could feel it tonight- Hey! How's the comedienne? Oh. Mmm. Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, dizzy. -You taste as good as ever. You were great. You were great tonight. -Oh, thank you. You were. You were really good. Well, I was just working off that energy that you were sending up to me. Whew! You have a really beautiful voice. Well, I can't take credit for that, you know? It's all the big man. Hey! You know, ever since I became a minister ... my vocal range has just gotten insane. You're a minister? -Yes, yes. But don't worry. Ministers are free to fornicate. Should we get a drink? Lots of'em. Go! Go! Tobey! Tobey! Tobey! Tobey! Go, baby. owl Watch it! Sorry. Dante. Lewis, buddy. Good to see you. -Look at you. What is the deal with you two? Oh, come on. "You taste as good as ever"? We had a thing in college. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to discourage you. Mmm. -He's sexy! And very ... attentive. Oh. He really is a freak, isn't he? You don't have to marry the guy. - So, what are we gonna do about this? - This? Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it ... every time we've seen each other since college. Uh-Oh, I-I-I've thought about it. Uh- Sure, you're-you're-you're- -I'm what? Very- -Very what? Uh- Talk dirty to me. You taste amazing. Thank you. Um-Um, could you- could you- could you stop doing whatever that it is that you were just doing ... and ... leave? Oh. I would be wearing ... shorts. And you would ... be in a swimsuit? Oh, God. Just relax. -I'm sorry. It's just, you know, you have a ... husband. -Oh. Rand. What kind of name is that anyway? -Oh, ah- Mm-mmm. No. - Doesn't matter. Okay? None of it matters, Tobey. - Hmm? What? What's that mean? I mean, in 50 years, we're gonna be dead ... and nobody's gonna remember us or even know we existed. So, come on. -In 50 years, I'm only gonna be 86. Mmm. Whatever. My point is that this is all so temporary ... so let's just enjoy it. Please? Elaine. - Elaine! - Hey - Hey- Elaine ... is asleep. She's gone to bed. Uh, wait- You were just up there? Yes. Yes, I was. Nothing to write home about. I think I got a song out of it. Why would you do that? Oh. -You know I invited Elaine and her new boyfriend. I know, but he just looks so pathetic. And, you know ... I forgot. -You did not forget, Tom. Well, he's just blathering on about how much he misses Elaine. He can't function without her. He's gotta see her. You know, I wanted somebody here who doesn't know anything about the theater ... so I could have somebody to talk to. -Right. Fine. He's sitting far away from Elaine. Next to Amis. The guy in the yellow turtleneck? Rebecca, he's your brother. Don't do that to him. -Hey. My man. -I, uh ... brought a bottle of wine. -Thank you. That's-That's what you're supposed to do at a dinner party, right? Very grown-up. -Yep. Hey. Hi. How are you? -Hello? Your door was wide open. Hi. Hi, my name's Tom. -Hi. You look so pretty. Thank you. -So pretty. Hi. Goren. -Nice to meet you. Hi, Elaine. Hello. -Hi, hi. Nice to see you ... again. Oh, wow. Wow, that was a lot of kisses. Hello. -Hey. Tobey. Tobey. Tobey. -Let me take your coat. Hiya. -Yeah. -Here you go. Yeah. -Take your coat too. Come on. Take it off. -All right. No, the theater. No, no, no ... the theater is completely different. I mean, it's all star-driven, you know? Stars, stars, stars. They can't walk. They can't talk. I mean, it's just like the film industry where you hail from, my dear. Actually, Amis, I hail from New Jersey. No? New Jers- Charming. Charming as ever. Tom, you are a lucky man. Spunk doesn't usually come in such a beautiful package. You know, I ... I think it's this, uh- these departures ... from the literatures which-which makes it worse ... in this society's, uh- It goes, uh ... the-the wrongest. What? -What do you mean, Goren? No. No, yeah- It-It's-Because it is this, uh, connection ... between the past and the futures. Uh-Well, because it-it was there before any of the other arts. Except painting. -And dance. This is great wine. Isn't it. So, Goren, are you ... technically a citizen? There are more than one, um ... places for which, uh, to be citizens with than this one. So, what, you're on like a limited visa or something? You all right? I am. I'm- -Are you okay? Wow! This is good soup. Tobey! We can't do this. -What? What do-What do-What do you mean? It's all right. They're, you know- We're not together anymore. Do you get that? But it-But it's not right for me, Elaine. Ah-It-I mean, it's Tobey and Elaine. That sounds right to me. Those two names. It's-They-They-They go together. That's your plea? That our names go together? It seems right. It's not right. I'm just starting with someone new, and I'm happy. That- That-That-sprocket out there? He's-He's-He's in a unitard, for Chrissakes! Better. That is the Tobey that I know. Oh, oh, oh, "I think 'The Canterbury Tales' ... "really provides a basis for all of the modern literatures. And watch me dance." -You know, you're right, Tobey. You've - You hit the nail on the head! He is. He's a pretentious sprocket. -Yes! He's a pretentious sprocket ... with a huge cock! No-Well, he-he-he does not look ... like he has a huge cock. Well, he does. And you ... you don't know what a relationship is. Boy, that water pressure in there really sucks. Mmm. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Where'd she find this guy, Zorro, anyway? It's Goren. And let's not talk about him. I gotta be up early for Mommy Me. Okay. "That's not really fair to say, now is it? We've known each other for a long time. I think we deserve each other's honesty." "I have been in love with you since the moment I saw you. " "You only think you have." "What's the difference?" -Jesus, that's a cocksucker of a speech. I get it right? How come I didn't get the cursing gene? You know, I've never had this much trouble remembering my lines. It must be menopause. Becca, you're 38. And would you please not talk about your vagina? You're my sister. It's bad enough that my best friend has sex with you. Walk back to the theater with me, would ya? Hey! What the fuck? Hey! Hey-Hey-Hey. Evel Knievel, what the fuck? Since when do you smoke? I know he's seeing someone. You know, I wasn't really sure, but that look confirmed it. Hey, that's not fair. You said you already knew he was seeing someone. So he is? -No, I-I-I- I mean, I-I-I know nothing. I'm not the guy who tells someone something like that. I-I refuse to be forced into being that guy. This is not about you, you little fucking twit. -Well, I-Hey, you hit me! You know, Tom's right about you. You're the, uh, what did he call you? The play-by-play guy. That's what you call him, right, the guy who sits in the booth ... and talks about everything that's goin' on without ever playing. Never fucking participating. Just letting life pass you by. Never participating! -Well, if I'm that guy ... then he's the quarterback who wants to screw everything with two legs. D-To con-continue the- the-the metaphor, that is. Fuck! Thanks for reading with me, Tobey. I'm sorry. I'm so- Oh, hey. Cosmos ... would you be a sweetheart and let Mr. Ronson in? He's already here, Mom. So they're really that sensitive, huh? Women don't seem to believe that, but, yes, they are. Oh, so now I'm being lumped with all women? Pamela, we need to talk about somethin'. -No. I know what you're gonna say. And you're right. But- But I don't want to. Look, I can't- I can't do this anymore. We have to stop this. Hey, you wanna see what Cosmos taught me? -Sure. Oh! Mommy! -Hey, is that my big boy? Hi, sweetheart. -Hey, we didn't expect you to be home. Well, I-I missed my family, so I came home early. Are you wearing cologne? -No. David learned some interesting things on his play date today. Oh, really. Like what? I learned how to silence someone! How do you do that? -You hit them in the balls. Oh. Yep. That sounds like a good idea. Okay, everybody, let's get ready for dinner. Come on. Let's go. Whoops. Okay. Here you go, buddy. Watch your hand. Here you go. Oh, sorry. -Oops. There you go. -Thanks. Enjoy. You okay? -Um ... I'm thinking about dropping out of the play. What? Why? Things aren't working out the way I want them to. -Aw, you'll do great. Rebecca, you always have these moments of doubts before an opening. You know? I was- -Not about so many things. What are you doin', Tom? I look at you, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. And maybe that's my fault. -No. It's not your fault. I, uh- I just-I feel lost. And, uh, I don't know who I am right now. You should leave, Tom, till you figure it out. We can't do it for you. What a good boy. Eatin' all that spaghetti. Sorry, I'm late. It's all the idiots. Could you explain to me the psychology ... -Tobey- behind the people who wait in a long line at the store and don't take their money out ... until their total is rung up, as if it's a surprise? "Oh, you want money for this? "Well, I had no idea. Wait, while I unzip my fanny pack ... and dig through my man-purse for my wallet." So, do you think you might be avoiding the issue? Wh-What issue is that? -That you've been following me? I think not. Oh. Oh! That was you. I thought-I thought it might have been, but there was just, you know ... so much of a coincidence. -What were you hoping to find out, Tobey? That I'm a Libra? That I had a heart attack? Oh, you had a heart attack? I also had a withholding father and an inappropriate mother. And when I was 20, I had a nervous breakdown. And, I think it's time to terminate your therapy. I'm sorry? Well, this is not working out. Well, Tobey, not for you and not for me. Okay. Okay. Have a little trust, Tobey. The world is not against you. I mean, no wonder his advice was so bad. He had a nervous breakdown. A heart attack. Messed up parents. I mean, could he be any more unhealthy? He said something to me, though, when I left, that really bugged me. He said, "The world is not against you, Tobey. Have a little trust." Well, that kinda goes against my whole philosophy. "The world is not against me." Huh? I mean, well, then how do you explain my life? Jesus Christ! Can you just shut up? I mean, I-I don't have time for this bullshit about your shrink. Have you noticed that I've been kicked out of my house and my life is falling apart? Oh, yeah. Okay. I gotta go. Do you think I should get Botox? Definitely. -Really? Uh-huh. If you wanna lose me as your friend. You're so strict. I saw that bitch at school. She actually said "hi" to me. What did you do? -Oh, I showed her. I said "hi" back and smiled. And then I just walked away. She must be reeling. How are the kids doing? -They're okay. He comes by to see them every day. I just can't bear to look at him. He's in that overly sweet hangdog stage ... where I could set him on fire, and he'd thank me for it. It's not a bad idea. How's "Goren the Terrible"? Terribly boring. He does wanna have a baby though. Hey, can I have a blintze ... this early? It's all I've been thinking about since last night. It's a-It's an acceptable crossover food, right? Why do you think we're such wiseasses? Probably a good way to avoid thinking about the fact that we're all gonna die. When are you gonna get over that? Um ... never. It's a pretty big deal. You know what I think? I think it's a good way ... to avoid taking responsibility for anything. It's like, "Hey, we're only joking, right? We're all gonna die, right?" You and me, we're missing the biggest moments of our lives ... 'cause all we can talk about is sports and blintzes. It's just it's, uh ... it's pretty depressing not living with your kids. Or the woman you love. Or the woman that you love. Just because you happen to be an immensely flawed and selfish human being. Hey, you're not so great yourself. I think the blintze is fully acceptable as a crossover food ... and I would like one myself. You're the man. -No, you the man. Up top. I guess the first thing I should say ... is that my name is not Tobey. It's Todd. Hi, Todd. No, it's not-It's, uh, it's Tom. My name is Tom. It really is, okay? And, uh, secondly ... I have-I have no relation at all to deli meats. I-I just-I just made it up to try to fit in. Um- I-I don't know- I don't know what I am ... but, um, I'm pretty sure that I have a problem. Although, not as-as big a problem as all of you seem to have. Um, anybody else hot? Uh, I, uh- I also use humor and, uh, complaints about the temperature ... as a way of diverting attention ... from the, uh, from the very serious fact, uh ... that I'm ruining my life. And, uh ... I just-I just thought it would do me some good to tell my real story here today. So, uh ... I, uh, I come from a family of poor peasants. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just kiddin'. Um- It-It's hims, again. Mabel? George? Come here, please. Now Mr. Bertram will be joining us for dinner tonight. Rlease make the arrangements. All right, Debbie. Confound it, where is that daughter of mine? Oh, Daddy, I'm comin'. Trust us. -Trust us. We're all about trust. -Come on. -Turn around. Okay. Here you go. -Come on. Come in. Popular lady. I think these are from your husband. Again. Break a leg. -Thank you. Sweetheart, I'm sorry to interrupt your preshow cry. All the best ones have 'em. We're all in this together, my dear. All damned to the theater. Condemned to live through our art. For we do not know how to live through our lives. We are islands. Francis ... my director ... I am a mother and a wife first and foremost ... and you should go fuck yourself. Welcome to tonight's ... premiere performance of Edmund Middleton's Fifty Means. Oh, these are good seats. Okay. -Enjoy the show. That should be me. What'd you say? -Nothing. You go on back to the house. I'll get the rest. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm happy to be home. Nothing much has changed around here, but then again, it never does. I'm miserable. And seein' you miserable isn't helping any. What are we gonna do? -I don't know. We gotta do somethin'. There she is. You go talk to her. And you go find a pen and a piece of paper. Hey. I thought that was you. Tobey. Not now, okay? -You don't return my calls. I need a, uh, pen and a piece of paper. It's an emergency. Tobey, why do you have to make this so hard? Elaine, it's hard for me too. Oh, my goodness! Listens, I-I want you to stop calling the houses ... and, I-I want you to stays away from her for all the times. Why is everything plural with this guy? Oh, insult face to my faces? Tobey. -What? This is Rebecca's night, okay? -What? What? I know. Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, I dropped the pen there. -Oh, I'll get it. Hey. - Those aren't your flowers, sir. - Y-Y-You don't understand. I-I need to get these to Rebecca Pollack backstage. So- I'm sorry, she doesn't accept stolen flowers in intermissions. Oh, no. C-C-Can you at least just- Can you get her this note? I'm her husband. Please, just give her that. We're talkin'here, "Gorens. " -Come. I'm talkin' to her, if you don't mind. -I do mind. It's not gonna happen. -I said I'd like to talk to her. Release her. -I'm not gonna release her. Okay. Wait a minute! Hey! That's not- No running. No running. Stop it! -You "shtop" it! Sir, there's no running in the theater. Oh, my God. Sir, stay right there. There's no running in the theater. There's no running in the theater. We got a runner. We got a runnerI Okay. Oh! Pardon me. West aisle. Come on! -Sorry. Hey! Watch it. You're a jerk. -Oh, God! Right there, sweetheart. -Ow! Why are you sweating? I saw Goren. I pushed him into a plant. I stole some flowers. Oh, that sounds great. Good job. -Yeah, you too. Mrs. Pollack, final scene is up. Thank you. Who knows if she'll ever come out of that room. But I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. Hell, comin'back here after so long, for what? For us? For this place? Somehow, It doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. The night air. It feels good. -This is the last line of the play. You know it does, Laura. -So what? I gotta do something. Excuse me. Sorry. I never thought I'd be able to say that again. Stop it! -Let me just get through here. Rardon me. Oh! Give me back my hair! Give me my hair! Stop him! Ushers, full alert! East aisle. Stage approach. Stop! Hey! Hey! Get off! It's okay. This is my husband. This loser? This loser. Bravo. Elaine! Did you like the play? Come on, let's go. -Wait, wait! You're the one for me! Is this part of the play? Yes, yes. Yes. It is part of the play. Uh, uh, this is the part ... of the play where we come together ... and never leave each other. And some- somehow I feel like it- it was written a long time ago, and I just- I just didn't trust the script, 'cause I don't wanna die. What? -Wha- Why do I always have to be equated with death? I agree. -What-Wait- Th-That didn't come out right. I- I don't want to be a cold, sarcastic, blocked-off man anymore. I'm not gonna be. And, it's not gonna be easy ... but I wanna struggle ... with you. I love you. And ... all I can do is say that and let you do with it what you will. And if you- if you won't be with me ... I can accept that. 'Cause l-I want you to be happy. Tobey. Tobey. I have tried ... very hard to stop. But somehow, I still love you. Oh, my God. Thank God! 'Cause all that stuff I was saying about being able to let you go, that was just crap. I'd have to hunt you down. Who wants to spend all their life doin' that ... when there's some many other things to do before we d- Sure, I'll be right back. And how are you doing here? Oh, God. Do I look fat here? Which one are you? You look great. -Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you ... but I recognized you from your book. My son and I have spent so many great days in New York together because of you. Would you sign it for me, please? Sure. You must be a great daddy. Thank you. We're very proud of him. Oh. Oh, yes. We are very proud of him. Okay. Here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna get up and go into the bathroom on the left. Wait one minute ... and then you come in. One, two, three ... Seventeen, 18... nineteen-Daddy will be right back. Twenty-four, 25, 26... Forty-three- Elaine has found in Tobey ... a man she can trust to love her ... to be her rock-solid baseline. Oh. Here we go. -In Elaine, Tobey has found his life's melody ... his grace note. -Come on now. Thank you. Hey. Do you, Tobias, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife ... to have and to hold, until death do you part? -Oh ... could you not mention death? Uh, uh, "as long as we both shall live." I do. -I do. Yea! -Whoo! Say "booyah." Booyah! -Booyah! Put me down! Hey, Tobey ... I'm proud of you. Heh-Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey! Hey! - Baby, baby, go, go! Get him! I just got married. Come on, that's legal. I was behind the- -That's our car! Every time! Every time! Every time! All right all you plant lovers ... you people lovers, you life lovers ... this one's called "Juniper. " And it goes like this. Aimi? ! It's OK, Dad. Hurry back. They won't kill you now. Dad! Hurry! Here's one, dad. For rent: 2BR apartment, 70,000/mo. That one... It doesn't look bad... But it's a 35 year-old building, a long way from the station... Well, we have to compromise on some things, don't we Mr. Yamato? Yes. I've been expecting you, I'm Ebisu, the Building Manager. This way, please. It's old, but it's been well maintained. It's very comfortable. I live with my wife on the first floor. We've been here, how long? Three years now... Is the young lady in high school? Yes. In Grade 11. I see... Excuse me. Let's see... 301... Come in. The building's owner lives out in the country. It was built by a relative of his. I understand he inherited it when the first owner died. Is it sound-proof? I can't have thin walls. I write at home, so it can't be too noisy. Write? You mean novels or something? No, I'm a freelance journalist. I write about nice Italian restaurants' or popular dating spots. Dumb stuff like that. I see... Well, Aimi? I like it... Thank you very much! I never thought you'd decide so fast! Oh, I'm so happy! So you'll move in a week from now? We'll be waiting. Until then... It's more than 35 years old... Aimi! Thus I first encountered 'the haunted apartments'. There I experienced fear and more than that, a grief that was deep and dark. TALES OF TERROR 'The Haunted Apartments' Show him in. Mr. Yamato, these are the residents. How do you do. I'm Hotei, from 103. My wife, Mosami. How do you do. Izumo, from 201, and my wife We're right below you. If you need anything, just ask. I'm Kotobuki, from 203. This is my boyfriend. What? How do you do. Oh... I'm Yamato. This is my daughter... 'Ai' Is something wrong? Aimi: Summer Clothes Your name's Aimi? What a pretty name! It sure is! It suits her. Well, everyone... Let us help. It's the 3rd floor and there's no elevator. Many hands make light work! Uh, thank you. Wait, slow down a bit... Are you OK? Shall I take it? No, I'm fine. Sorry. Where should we put this? Uh, let me see... In that corner for now. You OK? I've got it. You can let go. 301? Yes. I'm Takashi Izumo, from 201. How do you do. How do you do. You're the first person my age here. Isn't there a girl about my age? With long hair, kind of pale... There's no one like that. Hello. Hello. They all seem nice. Too damn nice. That's why I hate apartments. But it's my fault. I'm useless. I'm sorry. Don't apologize. It'll be fine. I just hate to think of the house we lived in with mom belonging to someone else. This place is fine. Mom as of today, this is our home. Mom the truth is I don't want to be here! Aimi... Aimi! Coming. What? Here. We're not unpacked yet. That's OK. Dad... I've told you before it's not your fault Mom died. We're starting over now. So won't you quit drinking? Dad? Please... Certificate of Commendation Um, I've just moved into 301... Come on you two! Quick! Get in! Come on! In you get! Um... It's not our fault. Be back by midnight. You have to be inside this rope by 12 o'clock at night. Why? It's a regulation here. Regulation? Make absolutely sure you don't break it. Oh, and you'd better tell your father, too. Having to be back by midnight... that's weird. A curfew! You'd think this was a school dorm! Really! Um here. The manager gave me your new address. It's near my school. Thank you. What did you mean, "It's not our fault"? There's something weird about that building. It's got funny rules, and those rocks out front... And there's a girl my age there, but they say there isn't. You saw her? That building is cursed. I remember when we first moved in there... Coming! It's the Manager. Oh, yes... Everything's all right? Uh, yes, we're fine. Make sure you observe the curfew. And here's the building circular. And your daughter's name and the name of the daughter of the building's first owner are exactly the same! So his daughter was named... I suggest you don't say her name when you're on this property. I thought that was crazy, so I didn't pay it any mind. Papa! Dinner. 'A-chan'! Eat your carrots, will you? You too, 'Takkun'. Chew your food. Let's eat! Papa! Leave the TV off while we're eating. It's OK. No! Let's do what Mama says. This looks good! Eat up those carrots. What's wrong? Hm? Nothing, nothing. Papa, wake up... What's that noise? Papa... It's OK. Takumi! Takumi! Takkun? There's something strange about this place! Let's move! We can't afford to. We'd lose our deposit. That's mine! Both of you, be quiet! Takumi! Ai! What are you doing? ! Papa, help! Let go! I can't! What are you talking about! Ai! Let go! Ai! Papa, pull him off! Takumi! Takumi! Mariko! There's no choice! Don't be stupid! He's killing Ai! No, Mama! Forgive me! No! No! Never say my name again. Those are 'the haunted apartments' It's haunted by the daughter of the man who had it built. About 30 years ago, when she was 17 she vanished on her way home from school. They say she loved her home so much she came back to it as a ghost. That's who you saw. She's very lonely, so she calls other spirits. And if a resident doesn't get home by midnight it's as if they'd betrayed her. She kills them. That's crazy! No one believed it at first. But the people who didn't get back by 12 or the people who moved out all died myseriously, right after midnight. In 30 years, 13 families have died. But you're alive, and a day's passed since you moved out. There's one rule that saves us. A 'rule'? When someone new moves in, the oldest tenants can leave. The residents figured that out over the years. We'd been there the longest, and then you moved in. We've been set free. At last I can say my girl's name. They're 12 years old. They're in middle school. Hello. Hello. Aren't you going in? Um have you ever violated curfew? Come home after midnight? Nobody who lives here ever does that. That's why we're alive. We get to leave next. I'm scared. I don't want to go in there. Why is all this happening to me? ! Two years ago, my mother died in a car accident. Then my dad fell apart. And now... I'm sick of all this! It's OK, it won't all be bad forever. One day you'll get out of here. And if anything scares you, just yell out the window. I'm right below you. I'll come running. Come on. This is stupid! 'Haunted apartments'! You don't believe it? Supernatural phenomena are just products of the mind. A moving curtain looks like someone. You think your own shadow's a ghost. Enough nonsense. Time for bed. Yuichi, Noriko and Takashi Izumo Notice of transfer: Osaka I asked the Department Head to wait till tomorrow for an answer. But I doubt we'll have anyone new moving in right away. Should I refuse the transfer? Wait a minute! What if we end up like Mr. and Mrs. Hotei in 103? I couldn't live like that! And how would we put Takashi through university? That's OK. No, it's not! I'm fed up with having my life run by this apartment building! Here. Thanks. You get home from school real late. Is your dad OK there alone? My dad doesn't believe in ghosts. You saw Mrs. Hotei, from 103... They have money problems. Mr. Hotei used to work at a blue-chip company. He refused a transfer because of this building, and got in trouble. He had to quit. New jobs are hard to find these days. My parents don't want that. We're going to Osaka. Osaka? Dad's accepting a transfer. But if you do that... We won't know till we try. We'll survive. I know we will. We might even lift the curse. Then you'll be free. So if we do manage to stay alive can I see you again? Will you think about it? They're crazy! Yeah! They're next in line... They're even willing to sacrifice their son! Takashi! This is the last. It's all yours. Um here. My mother made it. I've kept it as a good-luck charm. I can't take that! I want to see you again. Thank you. Well... I'd better go buy some things for dinner. Aw, Mom! What are you doing? We'll be OK, won't we? That curse can't reach all the way to Osaka Can it? Let's go out somewhere where there's lots of people. We'll be fine. As long as we're here, we're fine. We have to get out of here! Dad? Mom? Mom? Takashi! Help! Dad? ! Takashi! Dad? Dad! Takashi! Help me! You can kill me! But let her go! Just let her out of that building! Please! I'm saved! Takashi, are you all right? She disappeared. Really? I'm all right. I'm safe. Thanks to you. Takashi... Where's the charm I gave you? Sir? Madam? ...after discussion with his lawyers. In other news, a family of three have died mysteriously in an all-night restaurant. Just after midnight this morning, in 'F' restaurant in Osaka Yuichi Izumo, his wife Noriko and son Takashi were found dead at their table, their hands linked. Mr. and Mrs. Izumo had been stabbed, and their son strangled but no weapon was found. No witnesses have emerged, although the restaurant was busy. All three were apparently in good health before a brief power failure ay exactly 12 midnight. Aimi! I'm coming in. What happened? 'Haunted apartments'... Did they die? Yes. All three of them. How? The husband and wife were stabbed. Young Takashi was strangled. The poor thing! You suffer the most being strangled. Could I have some water? Sorry to be so much trouble. I'm the one to say that. But Shizu finally we're the ones who get to leave next. Yes... But I wonder how many nights there'll be until that happens... Whose turn is it? Mine. How? I was taken by the enemy and strangled. Proceed. Give vent to your rage. Couldn't it be me tonight? Kill me if you have to kill anyone. My wife has done nothing! That's why we kill her. Lieutenant vengeance is best taken on the one its object loves best. Please! Stop killing my wife! Please! Once we begged you. 'Don't leave us,' we said. 'We want to go back to Japan! ' But to save yourself you abandoned us. You left us there. I was wrong! At least don't strangle her! Please! I see... all right... We'll strangle her every night. Umihiko... Forgive me! Would it be better if I just killed you myself? You promised me, remember? You said once we got out of here We'd go back up home to Miyazaki. Let's pray that real, real soon a new tenant will move in here. But the night will come again, won't it? Kotobuki 'Morning, Sho. The Izumis died. I knew they would. They did? It was on TV. What's your problem? This is your fault! You're the one who brought me here! You wrecked my whole life! If this place wasn't cursed, would you move out? What are you talking about? Would I still be with an old cow like you if it wasn't? ! Money. For Pachinko. What's that? That's not enough. I've only got 1,000 more. You're broke too! You're awful! Anyway, Akemi... What? Come out with me for once! Sorry, I've got a cat. I have to catch the last bus. It won't starve in one night! It'll die of loneliness. So will I! Silly! Take care. See you again! Thanks! Thank you! What's with her? Don't worry. She's always like that. Good night! Good night! Hey, you! Sorry! It's an emergency! Tanashi, and hurry! What's going on? ! An accident maybe... Who'd have an accident at this time of night! I'll get out. That's 1,290. Oh, damn that Sho! I'm sorry, this is all I have. I can't do that, ma'am... OK, here. Take these. Look, lady... Oh, come on! It's only 190! Hey! Officer! Over here! Officer! Hey, you! Stop! Hey! Hold it! Hey! Stop! Hold it, you! Where'd she go? What's wrong? We're a bit worried. Akemi's not back yet. She's usually here by now. We hear her come in. What do you want? ! Where's Akemi? How would I know? She's not answering her phone. Where am I? ! Sho! Help me! Help me! Akemi! Sho! Akemi! Akemi! Sho! What are you doing? ! Get on, quick! Here goes! How long have we got? Less than four minutes! Sho I could die happy right now. What are you talking about? ! Hang on, will you! Everyone, get inside the line. Hurry! Get inside! There! Quick! You've got to hurry! Faster! Hurry! Come on! Come on! You can do it! Come on! Yes! Come on! Five seconds... Sho? Sho! Sho! Isn't it great Akemi made it! Yeah! And now we have no food at all! The water's been shut off. What? ! It has? You shouldn't have married me. I don't mind. So what about dinner? Bon appetit! It's good! It sure is! You're working hard. Hello. Are you going out? Could I talk to you? About what? I drink myself to sleep every night so I don't see 'things'. My daughter's terrified. What are they like? School Study Excursion 'Osaka"... I'd like to go and visit his grave. 'Ai Takamatsu, 17, in Grade 11, has been reported missing'. 'Her father Shigeaki says that on the night of the 6th she did not return to school'. '"I'm sure something happened on her way home." he said'. On her way home... Just getting home, Ai? It must be nice to always look so young! Look! My cat's gone and died again! Um... 'Ai'? Oh, you're not her... Did Ai live in that building? A beautiful young girl, she was. Just like you. She went missing, didn't she. Coming home from school. That's a lie. I saw her! She came home that day. No one believed me, but I saw her! She came home? What do you want? ! Mr. Yamato, I certainly hope you're not betraying us. Betraying you? You're writing an article about this building, aren't you! You were an ace reporter for a weekly scandal magazine... Shouldn't I? People are dying here! Of course I'm writing about it. Oh, I get it... You want some of the money, do you? If I make anything, I'll share it. OK? It's not the damn money! If people find out about this place, no one'll move in. We'll never get out. We're all linked by fate. No one acts on his own! Go away. Go away! Leave! Get out of here! Aimi, get inside. Go! What happened? 'Don't write,' they say. Dad... Ghost stories always draw people. This place'll be famous. This might be my last chance. I'll leave this here. She comes here... It's Yamato. Did you read the article I sent? You didn't get it? Really? Just a second... Task Error What the hell? ! Sorry... I'll bring it right over. You old bastard! You're not leaving. You're not going anywhere. What the hell? ! Kill him! Kill him! Back away! Dad? Are you OK? They've gone crazy! Are we going to get killed? Aimi! Get stuff that burns! I'm letting go! Quick, dad! Here goes... Aimi? Are you OK? It's nearly 12. They can't come out here. You get away. I can find the source of the curse by midnight. That'll stop them. Get going! Quick! Let go. I want to be free. Please! Ai... It must have been agony being closed in there. And so lonely... Aimi! It's OK, dad. Hurry back. They won't kill you now. Dad! Hurry, Dad! Dad! Aimi! Dad... It's your fault they went crazy like like that. You shouldn't do things that people really don't want you to. I was wrong. I'm sorry. The real line is here. Serves you right. Dad, no! The same thing happened to you. I'm back. Ai, you're home! Come here... Stop it, Dad! No! Ow! You bitch! Everyone's gone. But I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you forever. Aimi Mei Kurokawa Aimi's Father Mitsuru Fukikoshi Original Stories Hiokatsu Kihara Ichiro Nakayama Screenplay Mutsuki Watanabe Photography Mashiko Oumi Music Koji Endo Editor Tamae Otsuka Art Direction Masaru Hashimoto Sound Hirokuni Fukube Lighting Junichi Konno Colour Hiroyuki Utsuno Theme Song Performed By Mei Kurokawa Produced by Tamon Andrew Niwa, Yukihiko Yamaguchi Kosuke Sasuki Directed by Akiko Yoshida Hey, Sarah, when you and Donna are alone at the radio station, do you ever pretend that instead of being just a regular intern, that you're, like, a super naughty intern? Oh, and that Donna has to teach you a very naked lesson? I'll give you 10 bucks and what's left of my hot dog to say yes. No, sillies. There's way too much work to do at the station to daydream. I mean, I have to take my top off and sort records, and then Donna and i have to french-kiss. It's exhausting. This is why there should be more women in the workforce. Um, please don't take this the wrong way, but I want to have sex with you. Sarah's only been interning for a week, but the deejays have already let her talk on the air, and they gave her a really cool nickname... "Sizzling Sarah." - Oh, that's terrific! That's onomatopoeia. - That's good. It rhymes. It is so fun. Everyone at the station's been super nice, especially the older men. Excuse me. I'll be right back. This girl is great. This girl is great! That girl is a bitch. She's Sizzling Sarah in one week? It took me six months of sorting records to become "Hot Donna"... six months. Uh, no, actually, you've been Hot Donna since the fifth grade when you started cultivating that melon patch. Don't tell her about the melon patch! Now she knows our secret code! Sizzling Sarah. I don't even know why they hired her. She's music-illiterate. When I asked her if she liked The Police, she was like,"No, I prefer firemen." Donna, who cares if she knows about music? The girl is freakin' hot! Yeah, Donna, what you've yet to realize is that life is a beauty contest. I mean, you got your job because you're hot, and now a new hot girl is coming and taking your place. It's survival of the juggiest. No, I got my job because I know music. Yeah, that's why your on-air nickname is "music-knowing Donna." Look, Donna, your problem is you've got too much going on. I mean, the less you have going on, the less you have to worry about. Look at me. I've got nothing going on, and I've got nothing to worry about. Except your future. Eh. How's it going? Horrible! I want you back! Thank god! I want you back! In fact, marry me! Oh, yes, Steven! Do you, Jackie? - I do! - Me too! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! Jackie, I said, "how's it going?" Fine. Everything's fine. You guys, while I was in the bathroom, I realized I totally forgot to wear a bra today. I love you. That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 15 "It's All Over" Traduction par Guzo Synchro par Kiff Merci à Raceman Preèasoval / Retiming blsho Steven, I've noticed that every day you come home from the record store tired and irritable, and I just want to say, welcome to life. So what's new in the world of rock and roll? 'Cause this cool cat wants the skinny on the be-bop, maestro. Uh, well, tomorrow we have Tom Jones coming in for a record signing at the store. Tom Jones? I love him! Oh, and the way he shakes his hips! It just makes me feel all nervous and embarrassed. Boy, that sounds like fun. Fun for you, maybe. You're a middle-aged woman. What? Don't "what" me. The average lifespan is 72, so if you're older than 36, which you are, then by definition, you're middle-aged. Discussion over. Okay, when you're right, you're right. Wow. I win an argument every six years or so. Is, um, Steven here? I'm only asking to make sure he's not in case he still has feelings for me. Well, he's not here. He went to a bar to forget how much he loves you. Really? Uh, no, he's at the car wash. You guys want to hear something sick? Ooh, yes. Please, hurry. Mr. Randall down at the radio station wants me to host a live remote from Hyde's record store when Tom Jones is there. And to promote it, they want to put me on a billboard wearing this. That's just good radio. Well, I'm not wearing it. I should be valued for my voice and music knowledge, not my body, no matter how smokin' it is. There you go again with your "women should be valued for their minds" gobbledygook. Donna, women should be valued for their looks. Men should be valued for their cars, and foreigners should be valued for their ability to sweep. Hey, hey! We also drive a mean taxi. I'm not caving to their smutty demands. I am an on-air personality. I am not a sex kitten. I agree, Donna. Making you wear that outfit is demeaning to women. Well, thank you, Fez. But just to be sure, put it on and shake your ass. would you please quit giggling? Sorry, man. I'm listening to George Carlin's "seven dirty words you can't say on radio and television." Man, he just keeps saying 'em over and over again. Potty mouth. Okay, Tom Jones is booked, and everything is set. You know, I don't think there's anything more exciting than a promotional event gone right. Then you need to get drunk and ride a mechanical bull. You know, you're being more of a tool than usual. Have you talked to Jackie? No, Angie. What do I have to say to Jackie? That you love her and miss her. I don't love people. I love Camaros, Zeppelin and french fries, in that order. You guys, I just had this brilliant idea. You know how every dirty word has a number? Instead of cursing, you could just say that number. Like, I could say,"Hi, go three yourself." Hey, Angie. When Tom Jones gets here, you're not gonna throw your underpants at him, are you? Michael, you know I don't wear underwear. Come on, man, you're my sister. I just told her to say that to gross you out. Burn! Yeah, you got me. Besides, I happen to know that she does wear underwear. Sometimes she lets me take 'em off for her. Boomerang burn! Oh, I feel terrible. I think it's the flu. Okay, now is this the real flu or the martini rossiasti spumante? Now I'm gonna miss Tom Jones this afternoon, and I wanted his autograph so badly. - Red, I was thinking maybe... - No. You know, if you were sick, and Joe Dimaggio was signing footballs, I'd get an autograph for you. Mom, Joe Dimaggio played baseball. that'd be like me saying G. I. Joe has a karate grip. What a nerd I'd be. Hey, Fez, I need your advice. You should show more leg. No, I'm serious. Look, I still love Steven, and I want him back. Everything reminds me of him. Every time I walk past a pile of dirty laundry, I start crying. Well, then you should go to him and tell him how you feel. I cannot go up to Steven and pour my heart out to him if I'm not sure he feels the same way. I couldn't take the rejection. Oh, please, I've been rejected a million times. And trust me, after the first hundred or so, they don't sting no more, baby. I wouldn't even know what to say. Okay, let's role-play. Pretend I'm Hyde, and then say everything you want to say to him to me. Really? Okay. Steven, I love you, and I want you back. I never thought I would hear those words, my darling. Ew! I'm sorry. I got a little carried away. I'll be serious this time, I promise. Okay. I love you, and all I want is for us to be together. Oh, get off me, weirdo! I'm the weirdo? You're the one saying,"I love you," smack! "I love you," smack! You little tease! So you see, Mr. Randall, I don't think it's necessary for me to wear a bikini. I mean, what is sexier than a little bit of mystery? Well, according to my research, naked boobies. All right, look, ratings are down, and I think this could really help. Well, I'm not gonna strip for a radio advertisement. It's demeaning. I'll do it. You will? Yeah, of course she'll do it. This whole billboard was her idea. What? Unlike some people, I care about this radio station. Plus, I just love wearing a bikini. When I put one on, I jiggle just like jelly. Well, she jiggles just like two perfectly filled water balloons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them or touch them or make a motorboat sound with your mouth between them, because she is a lady! Sarah, you knew that I would never do this. You were just trying to make me look bad. And it's working. You're fired. Wait, you're firing me because I won't strip? No, no, you know what? I'm a gentleman, and I normally don't use this kind of language. But, Mr. Randall, you are one sixing, sevening monkey-fiver. You think your one don't stink? Well, three off, you threeing three! Ladies, ladies, I realize Tom Jones is late, and I have an announcement to make. Shut up! Holy crap! It's like a water Buffalo Convention. I'm not waiting two hours for a lousy autograph. Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry, watch your feet. Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me there, buddy. Hey, no cutsies. Oh, hell, I don't need Tom Jones. I'll sign the damn album myself. Excuse me. Who pinched my behind? Bonnie! Your husband hasn't even been dead two months! I am freakin' pissed. Sarah puts on a bikini and whammo, she gets me fired? That little bimbo set this whole thing up, and I am freakin' pissed! See what happens when you try to skate through life using your brain? For the millionth time, people, it's all about the looks! Well, I refuse to trade on my good looks to achieve success. Eric Forman don't play that game. Well, I'm not gonna let her get away with this. I need to think of a way to get even. All right, you need to do something brilliant that's subtle but clever. Hit her in the face with a wiffle ball bat. Um, I don't think that's exactly what I'm looking for. Okay, then, well, you've obviously never been hit in the face with a wiffle ball bat. Wait a second. Sarah's gonna be broadcasting live from the record store, right? Yeah. Okay, then I got an awesome idea. Well, if it's hitting her in the face with a wiffle ball bat, you stole that from me. Here it is, Kitty... a signed Tom Jones album. Oh, Oh, thank you! Oh, I hope he wasn't upset I couldn't be there myself. Did you tell him I had the flu? Didn't come up. Well, what did you talk about? Fishing. Tom Jones fishes? Yeah, it's surprising, I know. I'm so surprised that I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap. This is Sizzling Sarah at grooves record store, coming at you live without a bra. And up next, some music from... a band. - That's great. - Okay! I was thinking now would be a good time to put a bikini on. Fortunately, I keep a box of 'em in my car. Tom is two hours late. These women are gonna rip this place apart. We've gotta think of some way to distract them. What do you want me to do, throw a ham at them? All right, all right, you should throw me at'em. I'll give these ladies what they're not getting at home. Okay, there's Hyde. Go and tell him you want him back. I can't. I mean, if I knew he loved me, I'd be happy to put myself out there. But I don't, and if he doesn't, I'll just feel so stupid. Okay, just go to him and say, "Steven, I want to talk about us." And if he wants to talk, then he wants you back. But if he blows you off, then you tested the water, and the water, well, the water doesn't love you. All right, here I go. Hey, um, Steven, can we talk about us? Us? Who has time to talk about us? Oh, lady, you're not at home! Put your shoes back on! He didn't even want to talk to me. Am I so disgusting? Apparently to him. Eric, are you sure this is gonna work? Donna, let's just say when we're done with Sizzling Sarah, her new nickname's gonna be "Crying, No-job, Street Prostitute Sarah". Hi, Sarah. Hi, um, I just wanted to thank you for getting me fired. I realize now that my feminist ideals are just a bunch of hooey, and I should use my brains less and my body more. Yeah, I don't know why women are given brains in the first place. Anyway, um, Mr. Randall felt bad for me, so he hired me back as an intern, and he wants you to play this after the commercial, track six. You know, Donna, you and I are a lot alike, well, except I'm on the radio, and you're not. Steven, Tom Jones is stuck in a snowstorm. He's not coming. These women will riot! Yeah, when middle-aged women get mad, they get super pissed. 'Cause they got nothing to lose. They're almost dead. Which is why we should have somebody else break the news. Hey, Fez, you want to meet some ladies? Yeah! Okay, I've just been handed a hot new record, so here's George Carlin with "the seven dirty words you can't say on television or radio." Huh, it seems like I almost shouldn't play it. Oh, well! Eric, thank you so much. That was a great idea. You're welcome. Now let's go home and five all night. So, Steven, how was Tom Jones? Who knows? He never even wanted to leave. Yeah, Tom loves his fans. I was just telling Kitty how I had to chase down his limo to get her an autograph. Mrs. Forman, it was fantastic. You should have seen Red running after Tom's limo, screaming like a little girl. - "Tom, Tom!" - All right, all right! That's enough bragging. Well, and that is why I am making this meatball hero for my meaty hero of a husband. Hiya, Red. You were smart not to stick around. I waited five hours. Tom Jones never showed up. Never showed up? If Tom Jones never showed up, who signed this autograph? I can't lie to you. It was Julio Iglesias. Those women at the record store flipped when they heard the seven dirty words, especially word number four. They do not like word number four. It was awesome, man. Sarah got fired. The station manager got in trouble, and Donna got her job back. I'm telling you, if I weren't unemployed and living with my mommy, I'd be wickedly cool. Well, if you'd have hit somebody in the face with a wiffle ball bat, this would have been over hours ago. Okay, not only did I get my job back, but I had conditions. I told Mr. Randall I'd be fully clothed at all times, and he said okay. I told him to stop demeaning women, and he said okay. And I told him to respect me for my mind and my ideas and not my looks, and he said okay. So do you want people to stop calling you "Hot Donna"? No, that makes me feel pretty. Donna, you whore! You got me fired! Wait, you're the one who got me fired first. Well, I am so mad, I'm gonna make out with Fez! Well, if you're gonna make out with Fez, then so am I! No, sleep, damn you, sleep! Yeah. Welcome to the Final Four. Ah. Final Four. Just in time. Hi, hon. Hey. I thought you guys were gonna be out all day celebrating his birthday. Change of plans. I heard you were home watching basketball, so I told her Six Flags could wait for another day. Excuse me, I gotta get something. Did you tell him I was home watching the games? He asked where you were. What was I to say? I told you what to say. Oh, yeah, you were reading to blind children. I forgot. You forgot. Now I'm stuck with the Aqua Velva man. Doug, just let him watch with you, please? Think of it as your birthday gift. My birthday gift is that he's not living in the V.A. hospital. Look, Carrie. Look, I'm serious. I wanted to watch the games by myself. It's important. My whole office pool rides on this. What office pool? Do you listen to anything I say? I'm selective, I'll admit. The March Madness pool, okay? If both my teams win, I get two tickets to St. Louis for the championship game, all expenses paid. Douglas! Hurry! You're missing the Maalox Pregame Roundup. Just let him watch with you. For me. Okay, fine. Thank you. Now I just gotta run some more errands, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate this. This is very sweet of you. Well, I hate your guts. They're doing a feature on one of the players. Leshandon Hawkins, raised by his grandmother. Did you ever? Never. The most compelling story of this tournament. This is some fun, huh? Just the boys watching some roundball. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Did I ever tell you I used to play for the Oneonta Red Dragons? Last night and this morning. The other players nicknamed me "Crazy Legs Spooner. " Prior to that I was known simply as "Legs Spooner. " Oh, I will get it. Hello? What? I can't- I just sat down, I'm watching the games with my father-in-law. All right, all right. I'll be right there. Jeez, bad news, Arthur. One of our other drivers got real sick. I gotta go and fill-in for him. Oh, my God. Which one? Oh, uh, it's Tom Mc... Jagger. Here we go with the opening tip. And we're down to two minutes left in this thrilling matchup. Hey, Dad. Where's Doug? Oh, he left. He had to fill-in for McJagger. Simpson, in-bound pass, looking for someone open. What are you doing? What? You're supposed to be watching the game with my father. I tried. It was too painful. So I just called myself with my cell phone and, uh, pretended it was work. The fake phone call thing again? You know, he's gonna figure that out eventually. When he figures out Velcro, I'll start worrying. Come inside so we can do his cake. No, Carrie, I got a shot at winning this. Inside now. Ugh. Okay. Wilkins sets, and the final free-throw is good. And that ties the score at 61. We'll be back with the final 55 seconds after these words. Okay, I'm home from work! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. Dad, could you come in here a sec? A cake? I need my Lactaid pills. Oh, I got 'em. I got 'em. Okay. No, no, no. These are regular strength. I need ultra. Okay. Just eat around the ice cream. Hello? What? You're kid- Okay, I'll be right there. Work again. Unbelievable. I hate the way those bastards take advantage of his good nature. Problem is, he's just too nice. Yes, that's his curse. Anyway, why don't you just go ahead and, uh, blow out the candles and make a wish? Ah. Okay, that was a wet one. Anyway, what did you wish for? A tiger cub? No, no, no, not this year. I'm 0 for 22 on that one. What then? Uh, to be honest, I wished I could spend more time with Douglas. Really? Yeah. He's such a wonderful young man, but it seems every time I'm about to enjoy the pleasure of his company, he's whisked away to his job, or one of his charities, or he's locked in his room stricken with fever. Oh, well. Let's enjoy this wonderful cake. I won. I won. Douglas, I thought you were called back to work? No, t-that was a wrong number. I'm going to St. Louis for the big game. Oh, that's great. Sounds like a marvelous adventure. Um, have you decided who you're gonna take with you? Yeah, Deacon. Did you not see me bulge my eyes and point with my head? Yeah, I assumed you were having some sort of seizure, so I left. Why can't you just- No, Carrie, I am not taking him to St. Louis. And, you know, it's insane for you to even ask. But I'm only asking because it's his birthday. No, no. You got his birthday gift when you made me watch TV with him. But you didn't watch TV with him. He rubbed ear stuff on me. Okay, look, Doug, I know that he's not a picnic to be around, but the fact is that he adores you. Do you know what he wished for tonight when he was blowing out his candles? To spend more time with you. How do you know that? Because he told me. If he told you his wish, it can't come true. Doug. I don't make the rules, baby. All right. Let me bottom line this for you, okay? You do this for him, and I will never ask you to do anything with him ever, ever again. Yeah, okay. Yeah, right. No, I am serious. Take him to St. Louis, and you are done. You don't have to drive him to the senior center, no more playing Monopoly, Chinese checkers, thumb wrestling, and my hand to God, you never have to apply ointment to his naked back again. Wait a second, you just mentioned his back. You didn't say anything about his front. Has he got something on his front I don't know about? Fine. You don't have to do his front, either. All right. Hey there, folks. Welcome aboard flight 317 to St. Louis. Please make yourselves comfortable, we should be taking off shortly. This was a wonderful surprise, Douglas. Thank you again. My pleasure. The fact is, I've been itching to spend more time with you. Really? I was just telling Carrie I wanted to spend more time with you. Wow. Well, let's just enjoy the time we have together now. You know, in case we don't see each other much after this. Yeah, let the enjoying commence. What do you got there? My sleeping pills. Nervous flier, huh? Oh, yes. More than once I've stormed the cockpit in a panic, but these days, that's frowned upon. Hey, folks, this is Captain Bender. We seem to be having a little problem with the landing gear. Hopefully we'll get it fixed and we'll take off shortly. Oh, God. Oh, I'm sorry your flight's delayed, honey, but hang in there, okay? You're doing a really great thing for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, how's everything going there? Uh, it's okay, I guess. I mean, you know I don't like to be home by myself, but it is one night. I'll just try to get through it somehow. All right. I love you. I love you too. Bye-bye. Folks, this is the captain again. Apparently, our maintenance crew has been unable to fix the landing gear after all. But don't worry, we'll get you to St. Louis tonight. We have another flight that connects through Pittsburgh leaving from Gate 2 in about 15 minutes. All right, Arthur, come on, we gotta hustle. Arthur? Arthur? Huh? Douglas? Douglas? Yeah, sh - Shhh. He's old. Uh, I'm here. What's going on? Flight got cancelled. We had to grab a connection to Pittsburgh. We're in Pittsburgh? Yeah. I've never been in Pittsburgh. Come on, let's tour the steel mills. Let's drink from the Monongahela. We board in a few minutes. Oh. That's just enough time to load up on some souvenirs. I'll be back in a jiff. Hey, we don't have a jiff. Guess who. Hey, Joe. What are you doing here? Oh, I had to go to a buddy of mine's funeral, but my flight back doesn't leave for a couple of hours, figured I'd pop in here and surprise you. Well, mission accomplished. Yeah, heh. Where's my boy? He upstairs? Uh, no. Actually, he, uh, won some tickets to a basketball game, so he's on his way to St. Louis with my father. Oh. Ah, jeez, I'm sorry I missed him. What's all this? You having a séance? Uh, no, no. I- Just a little bit of mood lighting. Won't be needing that now. Oh, God, you're in the middle of dinner. Yeah, I'm just having some sushi. You want some? No, the one time I had that, I got a tapeworm as big as a baby's leg. But you enjoy. Attention all passengers on flight 641 to St. Louis. This is final boarding. Final boarding for St. Louis. Damn it, Arthur. Come on. Hi. Excuse me, my father-in-law kind of wandered off. Can you give me five minutes? I got to get him to St. Louis tonight. I'm sorry. If it's not an emergency, I have to close the door now. Okay. Y-you know, it is an emergency. If I take him to this game tonight, I never have to spend time with him again. Let me tell you something, that is huge, 'cause the guy is brutal. I mean, if a migraine headache wore a cardigan sweater, and chewed its soup, that would be Arthur Spooner. You know what I'm saying? Arthur. And to think I just bought you an "I Heart Pittsburgh" button. Arthur! Just give me one second, please? Arthur. Hey, I'm trying to find a guy who ran off in that direction right there. You want to help me chase him? I'll give you 10 bucks. Sure, hop in. All right, man. Thank you very much. Let her rip. Let her rip. Let her rip. Gun it. Okay. Not the best 10 bucks I ever spent. Thank you. Arthur, how'd you get back here? I just did a quick circle around the chairs. Sir, I'm closing the door now. Are you boarding or not? Yes. Yes, we are. No, we're not. I'm not flying to St. Louis with a man who despises me. Never again. Look, I don't- I don't despise you, okay? I - I just made that stuff up so he'd hold the gate. I swear it. Now, come on. Douglas, I may be a stupid old man, but I'm not stupid. You meant what you said. And I'm not getting on that plane. You know what, Arthur? You're right. I meant what I said. I meant every damn word of it. Every time I got something good in my life, you come along with your big Mickey Mouse hands and scoop it away. What did I ever take from you? I defy you to name three things. My basement, my privacy, a quarter of my paycheck every week. I defy you to name three more. There are thousands more, okay, Arthur? Let's go with the latest one, this game. I really wanted to go to this game and you blew it for me. I will not give you the satisfaction of lording this over me. I will get you to your precious game. How the hell are you gonna do that? How you doing there, Joe? Getting close maybe? Few more seconds. Okay. Startin' to get the shakes. All right. Let her down gently. Okay. Ugh. How's that? She still wobbling? Didn't notice that she was wobbling before, but it seems fine now. Ah, I don't know. Let me see. Whoa. You don't have a level. I don't know. Just what's here is put in the box. All right, no need to panic. I can make one lickety-split. All I need is a couple of Dixie cups, a Ping-Pong ball and a drop of oil. Joe, the table's fine now. It's your house. Now, the last time I was here, I noticed the ice was a little milky. Come on, help me move the fridge out. No. What's the matter? Look, Joe, I am done moving furniture for tonight, okay? And that also includes sanding and varnishing. Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Carrie. I guess I kind of did barge in and take over, huh? Yeah, a little bit. Listen, I think maybe I'd better, uh, head over to the airport and, uh, hang out there till my flight leaves. Again, I'm sorry if I interrupted your evening. It was good seeing you, Carrie. Oh, Joe. Wait. Please. I want you to stay, really I do. Really? Can't we just sit and talk? You know, have a normal visit without power tools and Dixie cups? I'd like that. Me too. Thank you. Without you, we wouldn't have had a minyan. Well, that's what we do. Okay, that was ridiculous. You're lucky I taught pottery on a kibbutz or I never could have talked our way on here. Okay, if I were lucky, you wouldn't be living in my basement. And if I were lucky, you wouldn't be so fat. What does that have to do with luck? I can't hear you, you're too fat. Oh, God! What was that? I don't know. Gentlemen, we've hit a bit of weather here. It's going to be pretty bumpy the rest of the way to St. Louis, so please make sure you keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you. Where are my pills? You took 'em all in New York. Oh, God! Just relax, okay? I can't relax. I'm terrified. I wish I'd really prayed with these men instead of just making silly noises. Aagh! Come on. Just relax. You all right? You okay? I - I don't want to die, Douglas. You're not gonna die, okay? It's just turbulence. I mean, I don't want to die ever. With my luck, you won't. Douglas, when my time does come, am I headed upstairs or downstairs? I - I think upstairs. I hope so. Although, over the years, at least a dozen people have said to me, "You're gonna roast in hell, Spooner. " Mm-hmm. Even so, I think you're, uh- You're really not the hell type. Down there, they're looking for evil. You're not evil. You're- You're exhausting. Thank you, Douglas. Yeah. I'm sorry I played the fat card before. It's okay. You didn't play it very well. Well, that being said, you might want to speak to the pilot, because I'm about to become hysterical. Gentlemen, it looks like we're going to be making an unscheduled stop in about five minutes. Don't worry, the screaming man will be getting off the plane. So Freddy says to me, "That's not a Lionel engine. That's a knockoff. " But the joke is on him because I know it's authentic from the smokestack. So he sold it to me for a song. You're kidding me. Hand to God. I love it. Oh, oh, oh. Here's the capper. Jump ahead three years. I'm at a train show in Utica and guess who walks over to me with the sorriest-looking freight car you ever saw? I think I know who. Oh, wait. Hold that thought. Hello? What? Oh, God. All right. I'll- I'll be right there. Okay, bye-bye. Crisis at the office. I have to run. Oh, that stinks. Yeah, I know, but lock up when you leave, okay? Thanks. Mwah. Okay, so, what do you like? The Dayton snow globe or the Dayton cheese board? Okay, the cheese board. % My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when I go % - My turn. - Hell, no. - Man, let me drive that thing. Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Racial tension has divided this country for far too long... and now it threatens to claim America's favorite animated family. Santa Claus is dead! - Your mama's white. - No, it's a damn lie! I can jump. See? Cargo slacks are a breeze at Old Air Force, starting at $14.99. - No! - Rusty! Rusty! Be still, boy. There's only five laps to go, and ol' Dick Trickle's about to win this sombitch! Don't let him draft you, dick. What the? Hell fire, damn! - Daddy, I need to know once and for all... - Oh, damn it, not this again. I told you, boy, if your mama's white, then that makes me a damn chalkie lover. Now, do I look like a chalkie lover to you? I don't know, Daddy. You do drink a lot. Yes, I do, and I fight. But some other crazy sombitch is the one... what bangulated and pregnified that white woman. lt's not I! So you're saying my mama was white? - Wait a minute. What did I say? - You said my mama was white... and you ain't the crazy sombitch that bangulated and pregnified her. Your mama was a vision in alabaster... a white lily of the field... rich with scented pollen and the sweet odor of the morning mist... Diet morning mist, actually... although sometimes she would drink the regular if they was out of diet. She was enormous. Lord, did I love her, for 32 frenetic seconds. The loving was good. - Yeah, I remember that lying whore. - Don't you talk about my mama like that. - l mean she lies down a lot. - l meant the 'whore' part. - Well, I'll stand by that. - Bitch. Russell! You need to respectify your Aunt Lil. She ain't some damn dirty-ass whore that you can trash down, like your mama. Where my mama's at? I want to meet her right now! Well, get back there on the roof. You can see her fat ass from three states. That's fine. Yeah, you just go on ahead and meet her. Just remember, I never touched her. Well, then there's one of me. Here's one of them, what you call, them glamour shots and what have you. What do you know? There's me. Nope, that's a bus. Am I in any of these pictures, mama? Well... Well, look at this one. I'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one. Yeah, I sent that in to Spank magazine. Fools rejected it. You'd print this, wouldn't you? My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream. - Rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite. - How is your daddy? Oh, he's good. Just got out of prison not too long ago... No, I'm sorry. Who? I mean, who's your daddy? - Anybody I know? - Early Cuyler? - Tall guy? - No. - Big belly? - No. - Red hair? - Not the one. - Kind of look like Charlie Sheen? - Not him, neither. - Or is Charlie Sheen? - No, not Charlie Sheen. - ls he a football team? - No. is he the ground keeping crew for the football team? - No. - Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen? No, mama! Early Cuyler is the name. About yea high. I've been told we look alike, especially in the eye region. Same shape of the eyes, you know, right here? Well, your daddy, whoever he was... surely we loved each other for a period of time. Of that I am... pretty sure. Mama, why did you give me up? Baby doll, it would kill me to have you to grow up with a mama... that didn't love you or care for you or couldn't benefit from you in any way. - Now do you understand? - l reckon. All that matters is that we're together now, right, mama? Bring mama a TV. Son, where do you think you're taking that demon box? I got to provide for my mama now. OK. All right. You can tell that old fat-ass bitch... I don't remember nothing about her, neither! Did she ask about me? I asked if she asked about me! Yep, it's a good life out in nature. I ain't never having to go back and forth and in and out. No EMTs cutting the doors away out here. Do white people do anything else... besides sponge-mop the cracks in their mamas' back fat? That's a good question, little thing. Let's check the TV. For real, yeah. I mean, when black folks use a napkin, they all like... "Damn! that was some good ribs!" rub it all over they faces. And white folks, they all dabbing the corner of they mouth and... like they taking some sort of fingerprint. "What a pleasurable meal!" Tiger, please. What a pleasurable meal. I am a white guy. - Like that, mama? - Yeah, son. Why don't you roll me over, pumpkin? I feel a sore coming on. - l told them I couldn't fly a helicopter. - l told you I ain't moving, Sheriff. You've got to take me in dead or alive. The statute of limitations passed on that loitering charge. Congratulations, Krystal. You've been recognized as a landmark. What a pleasurable Sheriff. Rusty, what you doing down here? Getting a little piece? I should be outlawed. You ain't gonna talk about my mama like that, you son of a bitch! Mother? How old are you, Rusty? You about 15? Give or take, as the crow flies. Fifteen years ago, the world was a much different place. The Berlin Wall had just crumbled. I thought I could handle cocaine. I really did. I lost everything. And a young deputy sheriff was learning... that you can't defy the laws of love or nature. I got a report here that says you won't leave the premises. Are you staging one of them protests? I's staging a wet T-shirt contest. You hang around a while, and you might just get to judge. And there it was... The very first nipple the Sheriff had ever seen. Shove this in your eyeballs. Interestingly enough, it was also the first lawn sprinkler he had ever seen. So between the nipple and the lawn sprinkler... the glistening young deputy sheriff became a man. I'm free! I'm free! - Rusty, I am your daddy. - Oh, you think? Oh, yeah. Yeah, just look at the shape of our eyes. Exactly the same. Krystal, I suppose we ought to get married. - What for? - Come on. You and I both know what happened, hmm? About 15 years ago on this very spot. You made me play pattycake. Unprotected pattycake. This has happened, son. Well, now, la di da. Howdy doody to you, Krystal. - Early. - lt's been many years, but you... - You ain't moved a bit. - Be respectful now. This woman here is the mother of my child. Your child? Hell, no. This here is my boy. And yeah, that's his mama. But you, you're probably the one that had the sexuals with her. I refuse to touch the soft, creamy, plump... Damn! Get your filthy squid hands off of my hinter land. I love you. I'll kill you, bitch! - Early? - No, Daddy, no! I told you, Rusty. I'm your baby daddy. - Daddy. - Sheriff. There's only one way to capture the elusive bunfish. - Ain't that what you was talking about? - No. We were discussing this boy's paternity. I couldn't hear 'cause I was down there. Whose bicycle is this? Rusty? Piss on that there rabbit. If he dies, I'm your daddy. Early, there's more scientific ways of doing this. Do it anyway. So, we'll apply a presecreted bladder fluid to the exoderm of this furry mammal... and we'll look for signs of mortification or terminalicity of the affected region. So I'm gonna need a urine sample from you and you. Well, I pee sitting down. Any approach you choose is fine. Excuse me, sir? Sir, not in my plastic ficus, please. lt's... Relax, brainiac. I filled your jar up. My goodness! This looks to be... about 80 proof straight bourbon whiskey. Give it back! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Congratulations. Somebody's pregnant. Actually, doctor, we're here to find out who the daddy is. Of who? This rabbit? This is dead. No, not the rabbit. The boy there. I'm afraid science can't tell us everything, little man. - Now, that's interesting. - What? This rabbit's been hit by a hammer. Well, let me get my vaporologist in here. Dr. Bug, get in here. This rabbit's been hit by a hammer. Yep. Sure has. is that why you dragged me in here? Dr. Bug, have a look at these various smokes and vapors. - Do you see what I'm seeing? - l reckon so, yeah, and all them. Your young un over there is an only child. If it's purple, doesn't it mean he has a twin brother? Shut the ... up, man! Only child. You're an only child. Squids! You're a squid, right? Shut the ... up, Jerry. Only child. Only child. No twin. Only child. Man, I should be outlawed. Subtitles by BloodLogic Hi. Hey. Haven't started yet. Oh, good. Sorry I'm late. I found Paul Anka hiding underneath the kitchen sink, chewing on one of my favorite pairs of shoes. Boy, that guy's career has really hit the skids. Okay, that is officially my last "Paul Anka, the person, is living in your house" joke. Hello, everybody! Thank you all for coming! We have a packed agenda tonight, so why don't we get started. First off, a little update on the improvements to the post office buil- What be this? A gathering of some kind. Be it safe, or shall I raise my musket? Patience, brother. Despite the disturbing sight of women in pantaloons. Ugh, I hope this isn't an audience-participation thing. Excuse me. But we're in the middle of something here. Who are you? - It's Kirk! - Shush! I'm Phineas, and this is my brother Zebediah. We have come a long way through space and time. We hail from Stars Hollow. I, a silversmith, and he, a simple cobbler. With good rates. I will cobble a... cobbled thing for a ha'penny. Does Kirk know what a cobbler is? I'm guessing "no. " But I know all the denizens of Stars Hollow. I don't recognize you. It's Kirk and Andrew! - Gypsy. - It is! And we do not recognize you. As residents of the year 1779, all looks foreign to us. Who's gonna tell them those outfits are so 1778? Well, you have so journed from the very year of Stars Hollow's founding! I pray, good sirs, do you still find our fair town pleasing? Yes, but much has changed. Samuel Munson's apothecary is gone and, with it, his leeches. And old Clay's Gambling Hall, where we did frolic with wenches. We're without leeches and wenches. And, most disorienting, the street names. They're all so different. We were looking for Blacksmith's Road and found Peach Street. And for Longman's Leap, but found Second Avenue. That must be very confusing. Pray, tell me, how may we ease your passage? If the town were to return to its old street names, we would more easily find our way. "The old street names," you say. Gentlemen, do take seats while I confer with my contemporaries. Who are you fooling? You're wearing tube socks. Ladies and gentlemen, our tourism revenue is off 26% from the previous fiscal year. In that same time, Woodbury and Cogsville's revenue has jumped. That's because they are highlighting their heritage, thus, increasing their charm. The more charm a town has, the greater its tourism revenue. We've got charm. Yeah, you wouldn't believe the bikini waxes Lisa's doing at the beauty parlor. Any shape you can imagine. So clever... and charming. But not historically charming, which is why I'm proposing changing our street names back to what they were at Stars Hollow's founding. Isn't that gonna cost a lot of money? Yeah, Taylor, you hate spending money. This is an investment in our future. I'll have to buy new business cards. I think it would be kind of cool. - Really? - Yeah. I like old-timy stuff. The Dragonfly's on third street, which is kind of boring. Well, thank you, Lorelai, for your sound opinion. I think it's one of my better ideas. I agree. It's not like the time you guaranteed the tourists a mosquito-free summer, and then released hundreds of bats all over town. Oh, that was a stinker. How about when he was trying to attract families to visit the town by driving his van around other towns and beckoning kids with candy? - That was dumb. - Really dumb. So we're saying this is a good idea? That is what we're saying. Let's put it to a vote, then. Shall we? All those in favor, raise hands. Excellent. The matter is passed. And we shall change our street names. Now, our next order of business- What about when he had us re-enact the Boston tea party in the lake? What a disaster. We're still paying off the EPA. fines. Folks, please. What about the Museum of Rocks that look like famous people? Ooh, that's my favorite! Here you go. Scooped bagel, cream cheese, jam. Thank you. Did you save the scoopings? I love you! So, what's going on in the world? - Nothing... - Nothing? Good. Nothing good. There's absolutely nothing positive going on anywhere in the world. How could that be? That's why I don't read the paper anymore. You will mine. I am starting my own. The Good News Daily- nothing but good news every day. Sounds good. "No civil war in Canada"- big article. "Cars drive down road without incident"- front-page news. "Puppies- how cute are they?" In-depth expos�. And the subscription is free. How happy is that? I'm in a better mood. What are you hanging out here for? Ugh. Ouch. What happened to the love? You know what I mean. You're usually at the Inn by now. Well, new street names are being posted today. I'm waiting for Sookie and Michel. We're gonna see what name the Dragonfly got. Wanna come with? Want to see what name you got? I'll wait to read about it in the Good News Daily. All right. It's another dumb Taylor thing. Sorry. You may now lower your blood pressure. That's not why I'm not going. I just don't have the time. I think changing the street names is a fine idea. You're kidding. No, change them all. Name them after cartoon characters. I'll be on Scooby-Doo Lane. It's all the same to me. Where's this coming from? It's taken me a ridiculous amount of years, but when it comes to Taylor, I've adopted a zen attitude. Zen? Go with the flow. Let the river Taylor take you where it may. Don't fight it. Just let it happen. What if he wants to paint the diner pink for Easter like he did last year? Then let the building be pink. What if he decides we should dress up as our favorite tree again for Arbor Day? Wrap me in bark, fill me with sap and tell me where to stand. What if he wants to photoshop a picture of you with your arm around him and slap it on a billboard that overlooks the whole town? - The river zen... - Sitting on his lap. - ... will keep on flowing. - Holding a rattle. Let me keep my zen. I'm gonna miss nuclear Luke. Hey. Hi! We just passed Esther Wilkins. She got Constabulary Road. Constabulary Road- how cool is that? Very. I'll be done here in a minute. Do you have coffee? You mean, here at my coffee shop? Let me think. Yeah. Give it. You're gonna need zen for him, too. This is very early for me to get up. You'll survive, big guy. I'm not at my best if I don't get my model's 12. Well, you hide it beautifully. The key is absinthium with gingko extract. Like you're washing your face in a bowl of diamonds. A bowl of diamonds- doesn't that cut up your face? Ugh. I need my coffee. Does your grapefruit taste strange to you? What? The grapefruit- is it unnaturally sweet? It tastes like grapefruit, Emily. There's sugar on it. I can taste it. Consuela put sugar on it. If you say. That girl puts sugar on everything, like yesterday's salmon. Fish is not supposed to be caramelized. I didn't notice. Don't defend her, Richard. I'm not defending her, Emily. It starts with the grapefruit. Next, it'll be the berries, the melons. Pretty soon, everything in this house will be candied. Rory, breakfast is ready. Rory, are you there? Rory? Good morning, grandma. You're not still sleeping, are you? No. You're missing Katie Couric. I don't watch Katie Couric. Oh. I thought you watched Katie Couric. I heard you mention her once. Grandma, did you find someone to fix the intercom yet? It's stuck at this one volume - loud. I've been looking and looking, but the company that made it went out of business in 1973- the Binzer Corp. Arthur Godfrey was their spokesman. Who? He was sort of the Katie Couric of his day. We'll get the intercom fixed, I promise. - Good. - So, go ahead and pour you some coffee? I'll be right in. I'm signing off. 10-4. 10-4. Isn't that a pretty picture? The prettiest. That outfit matched her face. You'll get extra copies for us, right? I'll have my secretary get them. So, have you seen Logan around lately? I don't know if it was lately. That makes me nervous. He's busy, too. I hope that's it. Not something else. What else would it be? Oh, that talk I had with Shira. I hoped our understanding was clear about those two. That we were going to let them be. Maybe I was just being naive. Richard, are you listening to me? Yes, Emily. Just because you haven't seen the boy doesn't mean anything. Our hours are different from theirs. Consuela! Consuela? She's probably in the backyard, harvesting sugarcane. Maybe Consuela and Logan have run off together. Not funny. Thank you. Logan's probably out of town. Or busy with school. All I know is, I haven't seen him. And Rory is lying in bed till 8:30 every morning. That could be some sort of young woman's melancholia. Something from your office. Why I had to fetch it, I don't know. I'll remind Consuela it's a part of her job, assuming she hasn't left us to go work full time for that giant sugar consortium that sent her here. What's that? Just an insurance claim from the Dragonfly. A claim? What sort of claim? They had a small fire there last week. They had a fire? ! Don't get excited. - Is Lorelai okay? - She's fine. - Did you talk to her? - I talked to her. You talked to her. Yes, Emily. She had a small fire. Well, how did she sound? Just like she'd had a small fire. It was a very quick face-to-face, and then I left. Face-to-face? You saw her face-to-face? Well I had to go over there. Why did you have to go there? Because, Emily, she'd just had a small fire. How did she look? Fine. Was she thin, heavy? Did she look tired? What was she wearing? Is she still on that netherworld of "I don't know what my hair is supposed to be"? She looked just like Lorelai. It was a very brief conversation- not like the one you and I are having. You should have told me, Richard. And this grapefruit is definitely sugared. I hope it's something like "Calla Lily Lane. " Like a flower- something pretty. Or Charing Cross Road, or Abbey Road- something classy. Can we walk a little faster, please? Michel's still pouting? I'm not pouting. So your botox has worn off? It has not. And I'm not pouting. Then get with the spirit. This is a workout. You're being paid for this. So it takes the three of us to stare at a stupid piece of cardboard? Maybe later we can all gang up on that light bulb. All right, let's see here. I'm so excited. It's like Spanish class when everyone gets a Spanish name. What were you? "Sookia. " I don't think it's a real Spanish name. I think they just added an "a" at the end. Okay, let's see. Where are we? There. Right there. That is the lake, Sookie. If we were there, we would all have drowned. We are at the bottom. No, I think we're off to the right. Or... off to the left. Wait. Where's north? Everything's rotated 90 degrees. This map's completely wackadoodle. I can't find- ohh. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. No, I understand. Taylor's a very busy man, but it's just a quick question. Lorelai Gilmore. You know me, Joey. You cleaned out my rain gutters last year. Yes, I paid you. I most definitely paid you. It's got to be a mistake. Got to be a mistake. "Sores and Boils Alley. " Stop saying that. We are on Sores and Boils Alley. What kind of menu do you serve on Sores and Boils Alley, huh? Anything in a crust. Try in the storage room, Joey. Yes I know it's creepy in there, but I really need to speak to him. Why couldn't it be something that didn't ooze or run? Like a wart or a bunion? Bunions are okay. They're sort of onions mixed with buns. That's sort of appetizing if you don't think too hard. You know what this means, don't you? It means nothing. It means my next review will be in the New-England journal of medicine. I want you to both chill out. I will fix this just as soon as I get Taylor on the phone. Okay. Maybe if we come up with a catchy phrase, something funny, so it seems like we're in on the joke, like we're aware, ironic, and hip. Like what? What catchy phrase using the words "Sores" and "Boils" will make it seem like we're in on the joke? Delivery. I'll sign for it. Don't get hostile with me. You are a silly woman. I am not silly. You're silly. Hey, I want you both to cut it out. Now I am going to fix this. I mean, the whole idea behind this street-name thing was to improve tourism, you know, not destroy it. So... Sookie, did you order this? Nope. Michel? Yeah, right, like I'm going to buy an analog clock. Do I look 205? Well, apparently, it's for me, but I didn't order a clock. Uh, yes, I'm still here. Okay, just tell him I called. You didn't find Taylor? Don't worry - I will. I'm going to go add a few select things to my resumé. Michel! I will find him, Sookie. Don't cry. White sauce looks like pus. Go in the kitchen, Sookie. Salsa verde looks like infection. Kitchen- go. Wow, you made good time. Silly rabbit. Speed limits are for kids. Hey, you went shopping? Actually, I did. - For me? - For you. Wow. What's the occasion? Where's it written I need an occasion? Wow, you did it. You bought me the head of Alfredo Garcia. Open it, ace. Wow, cool- a bag. - Look inside. - Okay. Wow, cool- a bag. You like it? Hello? I'm a girl. It's a purse. Not just a purse. It's a Birkin bag. I went to school with a guy named Birkin. I don't think this is the same Birkin. Oh. Well, it's beautiful. I mean, it's snazzy and classy. And, oh, smell it. It's got that new-car smell, except it's not a car. Oh, I love it, Logan. I love it. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Sorry, there's not another bag inside the bag inside the bag inside the box inside the bag. It's great. You know, I think my computer cords would fit in this perfectly. Ah, this is not a computer cord kind of purse, ace. Why don't you just call my sister? She'll fill you in. It's like a thing, you know? Oh. It's a thing. A beautiful, leather, grownup thing. So, are you ready to go? Uh, yeah. Let's go. Come on, Taylor, answer. Taylor's ye olde soda shoppe. How can I help ye? Taylor, it's Lorelai. I've been trying to reach you all day. Lorelai. Oh. Well, Joey mentioned that. He also mentioned something about not being paid for some rain gutters he cleaned. That's not cool. Look, Taylor, do you, by any chance, know what street name the Dragonfly got? Of course - Sores and Boils Alley. So you knew about it. Absolutely. - Sores and Boils. - That's right. - Sores and Boils. - Yes, indeed. I'd kill to have that name. - Quite frankly, you're a lucky woman. - How? Sores and Boils Alley is one of the most historical places in all Stars Hollow. In the 18th century, if you had a sore or a boil, you came to Stars Hollow to have it lanced... - Yeah, but- - ... to the very site of your establishment. Word is, they also had a leper colony in your garage. I'm trying to verify that. If we do, you get a plaque. Okay, Taylor, look- Truth is, this town wouldn't be here without your street. Sores and boils may seem minor to us now, as we sit here with our sea breeze astringent and our pond's cold cream, but time was they were the scourge with no cure. And where was that noble work done? Where were the sick cured and the suffering put at ease? I'll tell you where- on Sores and Boils Alley. In fact, I even have a valuable collection of antique lances. Yours for the asking- as a loaner, of course. The Dragonfly can display them in the lobby... assuming you're bonded. Look, the historical thing- it's swell. The boils and sores and lepers and lances- great stuff, if you're running a hospice in the 18th century. But I'm running an Inn in the 21st. And? People come here for a beautiful, nice, romantic time. And part of what I slightly overcharge them for is the ambiance. Is there a point here? The point is that I don't want to have to go around advertising, "come to historic Stars Hollow. It's not as gross as it sounds. " I must say I'm very surprised at this negativity. You were so supportive at the meeting. What happened- fight with Luke? Look Taylor, I'm trying to be very zen about this. But this name is not gonna work for me. Well, I'm not really sure what to do about this. We could keep our old street name. No harm, no foul, no Lorelai pulling her hair out. No. The whole town's changing. That won't work at all. But I will think about your situation and try to come up with alternatives. Great. And I'll think about it, too. Together, I'm sure we'll figure something out. We can fix this. All right. Great. Thank you, Taylor. Did you order a birdcage? I've never had so many compliments about anything. It's not the bag, ace. It's the arm it's on. And I like swear that I'm not going to let ballpoint pens explode in the bottom of it. Crap. I left my cell back in the car. Are you expecting a call? From my dad. He's dragging me to a corporate retreat with his editors. Three days of "absolutely, Mitchum. " "Great idea, Mitchum. " "Can I preach you that food for you, Mitchum?" You can suffer through three days. I'll meet you back at the pool house, okay? Don't get lost. Oh, Logan. I thought I heard a noise. Richard. Yes. I was just dropping Rory off. Oh. 10:00 on the button. Well done. I didn't want to keep her out late, sir. You're a responsible young man, Logan. Say, how about a nightcap? I have a new single malt I'm dying to break in. Sounds great. Look who I found. Logan. You found Logan. How are you? How are you, Emily? Logan was just dropping Rory off. 10:00 on the button. A gentleman, this one. Logan, would you like some coffee, perhaps some dessert? Thanks, Emily, but I've eaten. I thought the two of us would grab a little nightcap. Well, I'll leave you men to your drinks. Good seeing you, Emily. Please. So... how are things, Logan? Fine. Good. Back at school, are you? For a few weeks now. Good. Good. Good that you're back. Got any classes that you're interested in this year? The semester's shaping up okay. - Thank you. - Cheers. Hmm. You working at the Yale paper again? Yes, sir. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Not if the tree has anything to say about it. Yes, well... it's good to see you. We don't get many sightings of you young people nowadays- the two of you ensconced back there at the pool house. Rory's so busy. Her life's a total mystery to us. She could be in the CIA. for all we know. Well, I don't think she's joined the CIA., sir, but I'll check her purse for secret documents. So, tell me, Logan, what is going on with Rory? Uh, yours and Rory's life. Uh... nothing special. No? Oh. Well... does she have any big plans? Plans? Yes. I mean, the way that girl keeps to herself, we wouldn't know if she was moving to Peru. Are you two planning on moving to Peru? No, we're not. Well, if not Peru, then what is on the horizon for Rory? And for you? Anything different going to happen? I don't... Well, we're thinking of going to the vineyard in a few weeks. That's about it. - A trip to the vineyard? - Yes, sir. Nothing else coming down the pike? No, sir. Hmm. Well, the vineyard is always nice. Very brisk this time of year. Hey, Logan. What are you doing here? I thought you left. I ran into Richard on the way out. Rory, is that you? Uh, yeah, grandma. It's me. What are you doing here? Well... I was just looking for some sugar for my morning coffee. Oh, please, don't get me started on sugar. Richard and I were just catching up. Having a little digestif. Yes, and, Richard, the scotch was great, but I should probably get going given the hour. - Oh, of course. - I'll walk you out. Richard, Emily. Good to see you, Logan. Drive safe. So, what were you two chatting about? Oh, this and that. Did it seem like everything was fine between the two of them? As far as I could tell. We're missing Charlie Rose. What was that all about? What was that about? Your grandfather was asking about my intentions. Your intentions toward what? Uh, toward you, us, marriage. - What? Why? - I don't know. Suddenly I was in there and he was asking me questions about our plans and the future and the CIA. and Peru. I don't understand. Why would he do this? I don't know. I'm only 20. We're young. We just started going out. Why would we even be thinking about marriage? I don't know, ace. These are all really good questions. Listen, maybe we should hang out at my place for a while so as not to give your grandparents a visual to lash out to. No. Look, I'll take care of this. I promise. Don't worry about it. Ace, it's okay. You don't have to do anything. No, this is not okay. This is not cool. I don't want them thinking this. I don't want you feeling like you can't come here. I promise you, I will take care of this, okay? Okay. Ugh. My cellphone's still in my car. Oh, sorry. Hey, if I'm not back in five minutes, it means I'm in the main house, picking out china patterns with Emily. Oh! Starved! You're always starved. Yes, but now, I'm "crash-landed in the Andes, eat my teammates" starved. I'll be back in an hour. No. Mm-hmm. Three more packages, all for you. Where is all this stupid stuff coming from? Looks like classic home shopping channel merchandise to me. I have not bought anything off the home shopping channel. That you remember. How could I not remember? You could be deluding yourself, suppressing a shameful, costly, and yes extremely tacky shopping addiction from your memory. I do not have a home shopping channel addiction. This does look familiar, like I've seen it before. Was Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers holding it up? I'm not buying these things. You keep telling yourself that. By the way, Kirk is in the dining room, wanting to speak to you. Must be about the street name. Can you contain your personal demons long enough to face him, or shall I send him away? Enough, Michel. It's never enough. That is the problem. - Lorelai, hello. - Hello, Kirk. - Have a seat. - Okay. I'm pleased to inform you that the Stars Hollow board of tourism has graciously decided to offer you a proposal. Great. I appreciate it. What do you have for me? You can choose any of three historically anchored street names that pre-dated Sores and Boils Alley. It's a generous proposal. Let's hear them. The first one is Constabulary Road. Constabulary Road. It's a very nice name. Classic. Very evocative of old-time Stars Hollow. Yes, it's very nice, but Kirk, that's the exact name of Esther Wilkins' Street. I mean, the exact name. It's taken. I know. Apparently, at one time, there were several streets named Constabulary Road in Stars Hollow. Yeah, that would be incredibly confusing. Oh, it would be a disaster. It was back then, too. Mail was mis-delivered. Soldiers lost their way. It completely disoriented senior citizens. There was rioting, chaos, death. Everyone hated it. What's number two? Number two- Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. - Chargogga-what? - An old nipmuck Indian name. Means "you fish on your side of the lake, I'll fish on my side, no one fishes in the middle. " Or maybe it means "Buffalo. " It's unpronounceable. Next. From 1768, something flavorful. Crusty Bulge. Oh, come on! Is that a no? Yes, that's a no. Kirk, these are not legitimate choices. - Taylor thinks they are. - Taylor's wrong. The Dragonfly is a business. We need a credible street name. So I tell you what we're gonna do- we're keeping third street. Taylor is not gonna like that. Well, too bad, 'cause that's what we're doing. Decision made. It's not gonna be Crusty Bulge. It's not gonna be an Indian name that no one can pronounce. And it's not gonna be a name that 50,000 other people had that caused mass chaos and death in 1492. Oh, my god. I just realized where all that stuff is from. What? What stuff? Never mind. Just tell Taylor what I said. - So we're done here? - Definitely. Thank god. Mom tied this way too tight. - Am I disturbing? - No, come on in. Rory, this is Edgar Pullings. He installed the intercom 46 years ago. Nice to meet you. She said, "nice to meet you"! Oh, nice to meet you, young lady. He calls me that, too. It's right in there, Edgar! Okay, I'll have a look-see. You just holler when you're situated, and I'll bring in your toolbox! And if you're feeling faint or need a glass of water, don't be shy! I'm sorry for the short notice. But once I found him, I figured I'd better get him over here before he... retires. No, it's great. Thank you. Everything else around here up to snuff? Are the sheets being over-ironed? No, they're perfect. 'Cause that's not an urban legend. If sheets have a high thread count, they can be over-ironed. Grandma, um, can I ask a favor? Of course. I was wondering if you would speak with grandpa for me. About what? Well, last night, when he had the nightcap with Logan, he said some things that made Logan a little uncomfortable. Oh no. What kind of things? Just things about our future - Logan's and mine. I think grandpa wanted to find out if we were getting married. What? ! The thing is, we're young. And we haven't been going out for that long. It's way too soon for us to be thinking about getting serious. Of course it is. Your grandfather should know better. Don't you worry. I'll clear this up with him. - Thank you, grandma. - My pleasure. So, now that that's taken care of, tell me, just between us girls, how are things going between you two? Well... they're great. Logan's very nice. He bought me this terrific gift just completely out of the blue. Is that so? Totally unexpected. It's called a "Birkin bag. " A Birkin bag? Oh, my god. A Birkin bag. You've heard of it? Of course. That's a very nice purse. Oh. Maybe I shouldn't use it. Oh, no. A Birkin bag is meant to be used... and seen. I had no idea. Well, well, well. A Birkin bag. A Birkin bag. A Birkin bag for Rory. Grandma. I'm just saying. Richard never bought me a Birkin bag. Oh, this is exciting! I guess it is. A Birkin bag. I'm gonna remember this day. Um... it's been very quiet in there. Huh? Oh, dear. Edgar? Edgar! Edgar! Oh, my god. I made it. Food, me, give. Emergency BLT. Yeah. Emergency chili fries and a black-and-white shake. It's a three-alarm emergency. Something came for you early this morning. Good old Ceaser signed for it. Oh, my god! Normally, I have a blanket policy against the diner accepting humongous 5-foot urns addressed to other people, but I was at the market, and Ceaser, he apparently didn't know about the policy. - Oh, she is good- covering all the bases. - Who? And sending it here. Brilliant. Picking away at the people closest to me. Who? Who is this? Emily Gilmore. You're kidding! For days! She's been emptying sending me everything she doesn't need anymore, trying to smoke me out of my foxhole. Call her and tell her to knock it off. Oh, no. That's exactly what she wants. I poke my head out of the foxhole, it gets blown off. Then I have no head, Luke. There's a giant urn in my diner. It started small- a clock, birdcage, some Victorian figurines, an old telescope. That was the ground war. She was softening me up. Now comes the aerial campaign. The carpet bombing. I bet she'll bomb me with actual carpets. Call her. You mean, surrender? Never. If you don't call her, she's gonna keep sending you stuff, sending me stuff. She'll run out of stuff. She'll buy more stuff. She'll run out of money. She's got endless money. Luke, my mom has a tenth degree black belt in passive aggression. There is no counter to this move, which means I am not going to counter. I can't have a giant urn sitting in my restaurant. Actually, it's more of a vase. I don't care what it is. The thing weighs 300 pounds. Ceaser said it took four guys to bring it in. You got to admit. It does kind of spruce up the place. It goes today. Okay, okay, I'll work on figuring out how to get it out of here. I think it's actually one of a matching pair. You busy? Not too. I want to let you know Rory had a little talk with me today I thought I'd share with you. Oh? What about? About Logan, about something you said. It's been handled. Something I said? When? Don't worry. He's fine. She's fine. They're fine. Very fine. Logan bought her he most beautiful and prestigious handbag in the world. A handbag? A Birkin bag. I've shown you pictures before, remember, around my birthday? So sophisticated. Now we know our worries about Shira messing with things were unfounded. They are doing very well. Yes, that's fine, Emily. But what did I say that caused a problem? Well, you scared the poor boy half to death during that nightcap of yours. How? Your intentions speech was so out of the blue. My intentions speech. I'm not following. Intentions about what? Really, Richard, you're always a half step behind. That's because you tell me things in drips and drabs. What does she think I said? That you basically asked when he was going to propose to her. I asked him nothing of the sort! We were just chatting, shooting the breeze. Well Logan viewed it as an interrogation about his and Rory's future. The boy misunderstood. I wasn't talking about their future. I was talking- it was scotch talk. I would never dream of interrogating him like that. I'll apologize to him the next time I see him. And to Rory. - Good. - I mean, that's ridiculous. Those two are way too young to be thinking about marriage. They just met each other. It's been over a year. It hasn't been a year. They're babies. Babies? Richard, your granddaughter is about to turn 21. If they did get engaged, the ceremony would be next year at the earliest or the year after. That makes her 23. And too young. It's the same age I was when we got married. I wasn't too young. - We were different. - How? Because we're us, and Rory's Rory. She has things to do. I don't know why you're so worked up about this. They aren't engaged. Good. What was your talk with Logan about? I was just curious about what was going on with Rory. She can be extremely taciturn. What are you so curious about? The girl spends all her time in that pool house. She's so secretive. Aren't you curious? Richard, if you want to find out what's going on in a girl's life, you certainly don't talk to her boyfriend. Follow me. Why? Where are you going? Follow me. Emily, is she home? No, she's out. I wouldn't burst in here like this if she were home. We should not be here. This is prowling. We're not prowling. You can't prowl in your own house. This is called "showing concern. " Now tell me what we're looking for. I - I don't feel good about this. It's usually at this point in the John Le Carré novels where things go horribly wrong. Oh, don't worry. I used to do this all the time with Lorelai, and the things I found... Once, I opened the bottom drawer to her dresser, and it was chock-full of tootsie rolls. Hundreds and hundreds, practically spilling out. What could a girl possibly want with a drawer full of tootsie rolls? Perhaps it was what was under the tootsie rolls, Emily. Under the tootsie rolls! Oh, my god! I should have looked under the tootsie rolls. Oh, that's gonna bother me. God knows what she had in there. Let's split up. I'll hit the bedroom. You finish up in here. What am I supposed to do? Check the bookcase. They love hiding things behind books. My. This room has really come together. But we should have gone with the plantation shutters. Oh, my god! Richard! What? What's wrong? The Birkin bag. All handmade. And look at those tiny stitches. Oh, does that Logan have taste. Okay, this is ridiculous. Let's get out of here. Oh! And that smell! Let's just go. Can't you at least tell me what you were looking to find. I don't know. It wasn't my idea to break in. Snooping without knowing what you were snooping for? Honestly, Richard. Let's just go, Emily- now. And leave that purse. I was going to leave the purse, Richard. A 21-year-old girl has a Birkin bag, and a grown woman doesn't. Ah! I highly recommend miniature golf, where, coincidentally, I hold the single-round record. The property's got closed-circuit, so you can forget about mulligans. Thank you. And don't forget the giant urn at Luke's. The kids will love it. Lorelai. Look. I'm sitting in a little gazebo. I can see that, Kirk. If you look real quick, you might think it's the regular size gazebo, and I'm a giant. That would be frightening. Have you gotten your free map of historic Stars Hollow yet? Hot out of the press. Everyone's enjoying them. Maps, huh? I didn't know there were maps. Can I interest you in an historic poncho or Stars Hollow kazoo? Um... no, you really couldn't. Kirk, the Dragonfly's not on this. Right. As build, the map only represents historic Stars Hollow. But the Dragonfly is part of historic Stars Hollow. Correction. Used to be, before you rejected your historic street name. You took me off the map? ! All cartographical decisions are strictly the province of the director of tourism. You and I talked about the street names only this morning. How could the Dragonfly already be off the map? You know the saying - cross the don in the morning, sleep with the fishes in the afternoon. Plus, Taylor has one of those fast laser printers. This is not fair. The Dragonfly is a business in Stars Hollow. This is not right. I wish there was something I could do. But I'm just a messenger. Assistant to the messenger, actually. Taylor's been clear on that. Okay, okay, I shouldn't do this. I'm gonna look the other way. Take a button. One only, please. Hello? I'm turning your bedroom into a gift-wrapping room. And I have to get rid of your dollhouse. Do you want it? What? Your dollhouse. It's quite cumbersome, and I have absolutely no place to put it. Um... well, have you checked the basement? 'Cause I'm betting there's oodles of space down there right about now. I'm doing some housecleaning. And I've only sent you things I was going to give you eventually anyway. Now do you want the dollhouse or not? Of course I want it. Fine. When will you come pick it up? Well, when I can. I need you to give me a time, Lorelai. I don't know. As soon as possible, okay? I'm very busy. Fine. But I can't store it forever. Call me the moment you work out your schedule. Oh, I will- the very moment. Hey, you! Get away from the urn. - Hey. - Hi. - Kiss? - I'm too mad. Okay. Wait, what, 'cause your lips would be all fiery and it would hurt? Do you know they changed my street name? Uh, hello, yes. Where have you been? I figured, I don't have business cards, who cares? But every piece of mail I get, I got to change the address. Every piece of mail, because I live upstairs. I'm aware of that. It's a huge hassle. I know. And I am in violation of ordinance 22-B. What is ordinance 22-B? Kids playing on the urn requires a jungle-gym license, as stated in ordinance 22-B. A fine has already been levied. - Uh, Taylor? - Yes. So wait. Are you mad at Taylor again? - Yes. - Yay! A jungle-gym license. If I want kids playing on my urn, no one's gonna tell me I need a license. Hey, you. Go ahead. Play on the urn. This stinks. Oh my God. I'm so glad you ditched this zen thing. Because tonight, at the town meeting, I'm taking it to the people, and the people are gonna take it to Taylor. Good. Take it to him. I've got a speech all planned, listing the years of Taylor wrongs, the abuses, the manipulations. I'm gonna get in there and make people understand that they don't have to blindly follow Taylor Doose anymore. Good. Do it. They'll follow you. They like you. They do like me. I'm gonna use that. I'd go, too, but I'd end up throwing a bench at him. There is no need. I'll handle him. Want some coffee? I'm beyond coffee. Beyond coffee. This is big. I'm fueled by my righteous indignation. I'll fill you in later. - I'll be here. - Bye. Hey! How did it go? It went great. So, come on. Tell us what happened. Well, before the town meeting, I stopped by Luke's. Right? And he was furious. Taylor slapped him with a jungle-gym fine. Smoke was pouring out of his ears. And I told him, "don't worry. I am on my way to take Taylor down. " Ooh, goody. So, I go to the town meeting. It's already started. And I come in the back door with the squeaky track, so everybody knows Lorelai's in the house. It's very exciting. Taylor's yammering about septic tanks, ans Patty made her raising cake, and everything's just going along. Suddenly, Taylor says, "it's time to break. " And I stand up on the bench, totally "Norma Rae," and I write "strike" on my town-meeting flier. And I hold it up, all defiant. Of course, the "Norma Rae" reference was only in my head, and everyone was very confused. Yes, it happens a lot with you. I march to the front, and I look this town in the eye. I said, "we, your Dragonfly Inn, are not on the map. We've been tossed off by Taylor 'jungle-gym monitor' Doose. It is not right. And he must be stopped. " Since no one heard my conversation with Luke, I lost them again for a minute. I got them back real quickly. - You really need to work on that. - Let her talk! Anyhow, I told the town how I had given the best years of my life and we-ve turned the Dragonfly into a class A top-notch destination Inn and that leaving us off the map was petty and mean-spirited and just plain bad business. Amen. Kiss the ground. The south will rise again. What happened then? Then I turned to Taylor, and I said, "if you don't put us back on the map, it will be Molly Ringwald giving her underwear to Anthony Michael Hall, and he shows it to a roomful of boys who have all paid a dollar to see it. " Oh, come on. No. That one, he got. He thought for a minute, and he stood up and then he said to me, "Lorelai donate $100 to the Stars Hollow historical society, and I will let you back on the map, and you can keep third street. " $100? That's nothing. What did you say? I said, "you got a deal. " Oh, thank god! Then he said, "good girl," and patted me on the head. - Oh no. - Don't tell me... We are on Sores and Boils Alley. We cannot be on Sores and Boils Alley. Patted me on the head, Michel, like a dog. It's only $100. I'll pay the $100. You're not paying the $100. I'll pay $75. No, no one is paying anything. We're not being extorted. We are the Inn on Sores and Boils Alley. Historical, proud. Oozing, festering. Draining. Too many words for the brochure. Hello? Why haven't you come to get the dollhouse yet? Because I've been working. Well Goodwill's picking it up at noon tomorrow, so if you want it, come and get it. I can't come tomorrow. Then come tonight. We're up until 11:00. No, mom. I'm 30 miles away. And I'm busy. Then it's being donated. You can hold on to it a little while longer. Out of the question. It's taking up space, and I can't have it here. Why does Goodwill have to come at noon? Because that's the appointment I got. It's Goodwill Lorelai, not Sotheby's. You know, I can't believe you. You know this dollhouse means a lot to me. And I know it means a lot to you. If you want to be this mean and vindictive, then fine, give it to Goodwill. Give it away. Light it on fire. I don't care. Logan? It's a guesthouse, close to the beach. -It's got parking, fridge and hookups. -Why are you looking for a guesthouse when you need an office? You can turn a guesthouse into a great office, plus this one has hookups. This high-rise office complex has panoramic ocean and country club views. -Sounds like Partridge, Savage and Kahn. Where is it? -Right next to Partridge, Savage and Kahn. -At least your old clients will know where to find you. -I'm not takingany of my corporate clients with me. Now that I'm on my own, I'm going back into the public interest stuff. -That stuff made me want to be a lawyer in the first place. -You can still be a public interest lawyer in a private sector offi -This guesthouse is $850 a month. How much is yours? -I can get you a deal through my office. -No, thank you. I got to go meet my Realtor. -Maybe I should go with you. No, no. I'll be fine. It's the same lady who got Jimmy his bachelor pad. Right. I'm going with you. Marissa. What are you doing in here? I'm sorry. I heard the music. -You're not at school. -Yeah, you're not at work. No, I'm running late. I'm down to my last clean shirt and we're out of coffee. -When your mother leaves town, my life goes to pieces. -Yeah, well, you shouldhave gone with her. -You seem like you could use the vacation. -She's not on vacation. She's doing research for a magazine. She's in Europe doing research for a magazine about Orange County? Do you need a ride to school? Oh, I'm not going. -I'm not feeling so well. -Sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. I'll call my physician. Have him drop in on you after lunch. Oh, that's okay, you know? I figured I should probably just stay home and rest in case, you know it's... -West Nile or something. -All right. I'll be in my office all day if you need me. -I'll call in and check up on you. -I may not pick up, you know? I'll just be sleeping. Hello. So what are we doing today? -I'm sleeping. -No, you're not. -We're going to breakfast and then we're going shopping. -Don't you have school? Yeah, but my mom's in Europe and my stepdad's completely clueless. Aren't you sick of me yet? We've hung out every single day this week. -No, why? Are you sick of me? -No, no, of course not. It's just... -Jody's still here. -I thought she was goingback to LA. Yeah, yeah, she was, she was. But, we got into this huge fight and then... And then you spent the rest of the night making up? -Who's knocking on my door at 9:00 in the morning? -Yeah, right, saved by the bell. Are you calling me from outside my door? Because that would be creepy. Ah, good to see you, too, Alex. -Seth. -Seth? Can I call you back? Doesn't anyone go to school anymore? Listen, I'm sorry to wake you. -Do I hear water running? -Yes. Jody's taking a shower. Jody. Jody's still here. Oh, that's great. That's fantastic. At least you're not taking a shower together. -Look... -Listen, I just need to know where I stand, okay? Seth, I told you, I don't do relationships. Yeah, well, you did Jody, so to speak. Yes, and look how well that turned out. What is that supposed to mean? J ody. Seth. Sorry. I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet. I'm going back to bed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You maybe want to grab breakfast? We could go down to the... There's a nice place... So, are Kirsten and Sandy going to care that Seth skipped first period? Not going to be excited about it, but they're pretty easygoing. R eally? Kirsten is? Sandy is. Kirsten's more... Like her dad? In some ways, I guess. Am I? I mean, he's my dad, too, so... Is this a trick question? No, it's just I don't know him and you do, so... Why, is he a monster? Oh, well, he's not the greatest person in the world. To me, anyway. He, um, thinks I'm after the Cohens' money. Yeah, I know. But other than that, he's great. -You should call him. -And say what? "Hi, Dad, it's your illegitimate daughter. Want to have lunch?" I could always have Kirsten talk to him for you. Yeah, she has a couple times. So you'll call, right? -I mean, he's got to sooner or later. -Yeah, right. Sooner or later. At the moment, this is the only beach-adjacent property we have in your price range, Mr. Cohen. As you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. -That's one way to put it. -Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it. Sandy, no, you don't. You just like the idea of having an office near the beach so you can surf between clients. -I hadn't even thought of that. -Sandy, this is a surf shack, not a law office. That's exactly why I like it. Hello. Max? Unbelievable. How are you? It's my professor from law school. No, no, now's a great time. I'm just moving into my new office. I'll be right back. -Sandy, you're moving in? -I'll take it. So what are you doing in town? Really? Everything okay? I understand. We can talk about it when you get here. What's up with Cohen? -I guess it didn't go well with Alex. -She broke up with him? I don't know. Maybe. Well, why don't you go find out? And then report back to me. So, how'd it go? Well, the good news is she told Jody to get the hell out, too, so... -I'm sorry, man. -Thanks. It's all right. At least now you can get back to your life, right? I don't have a life, remember? Then you should get one. Do something for you. -Go sailing. -All right. -Continue to doodle. -Okay. Cohen, this is what you should be doing. What, drawing the women who've wronged me as whip-wielding warrior princesses? -Yeah, in your own comic. -Yeah, okay. -Dude, you're awesome. -I appreciate it. Cohen, I got you a double latte because you looked sad. -Cohen's going to do his own comic. -He is? -Well, I don't know. -What are you talking about, man? -Do you not want to do it? -No, I do, sort of. Then let's bounce some ideas around, man. Study hall right now. Let's go. Wha...? -All right. Okay. Thanks for the coffee, Summer. -Yeah, thank you very much. You're welcome? So, you and Seth are...? Friends... I hope... someday. -And you and Jody are...? -Over, finished, for good. Hmm. Really? How does she feel about that? she hates me now, but, I mean, we mean to much to each other to let... That bitch! She stole my necklace. Which one? We bought each other these matching heart-shaped necklaces, like, a year ago, and mine's gone. I can't believe her. Well, how do you know she took it? Because she was using the fact that I still wear mine as a sign I'm not over her, which I am. I just... I loved it. Well, so let's go get it. You want to go to L. A. now? I can't. I have work. -So we'll go tomorrow. -How? You have school. I have a mom who's spa-hopping and a stepdad who doesn't care about anyone but himself. Come on. You can't let her steal your heart. Kirsten's not here. I'm actually here to see you... -if you have a second. -I don't. It's about Lindsay. Shut the door. What about her? She's been asking questions about you.. who you are, what you're like and even though I told her, she still wants to get to know you. She sent you here to tell me this? She has no idea I'm here. I just thought maybe I should... Continue to position yourself between me and members of my family. Ryan, if I wanted a relationship with Lindsay,I would have one. Funny, that's what she said. Smart girl. You have no idea. You should, though. How's your relationship with your father, Ryan? He still in jail? And you would be, too, if it weren't for Sandy. So I guess Lindsay and I are both better off. Thank you so much for your time. I was under the impression that you'd become a successful lawyer. Oh, my God. How are you, Max? It's hard to believe its been over 20 years since you were my favorite student. It is so good to see you. Well, come on in to my, my new office. So, uh... what have you been up to? Well, I, uh... Let's see, I... I left Berkeley. And moved to Princeton. -I am retired now. -Congratulations. -So what brings you here? -Sandy, I need your help. I have to find Rebecca. Why now? After all this time? Because, Sandy, I've... I've got a couple of strokes, and the doctors told me that I, should get my affairs in order, as soon as possible. I-I just want to be able to see my daughter once again before... I understand. Well, you know, I haven't heard a thing since she ran away to Canada... 22 years ago. You haven't heard from her? No, no, no. She and I weren't exactly on speaking terms even... even before the... accident. I-I just thought that if she'd get in touch with anybody, Sandy, it'd be you. You were the love of her life. That was a long time ago. -We were kids. -No, she loved you, Sandy. Now, will you help me find her? I'll see what I can do. Thank you, Sandy. You know, I hate to stir up things when you have a wife and a family and... -No, my-my wife will understand. -Will she? You're going to prison? Just for the day. I have to drive to Santa Barbara, to Lompoc, to see a prisoner there. -Who? -This political activist I knew back in my Berkeley days Joe Zukowsky but I'll be back before dinner. -What do you have to talk to him about? -Well, you know, a missing person. Doing a favor for a friend. Your old law school professor. Who's missing? Rebecca. As in Rebecca Blume, love of your life? She is not the love of my life. Sandy, you were engaged to be married. We were engaged to be engaged. -Until she burned down a nuclear lab site. -We do not know that she did that, for sure. -Sandy, she fled the country. -Well, I know, but her dad is dying and he asked me to find her for him. He was my mentor in law school. I wouldn't be a lawyer if it weren't for him. -I can't say no. -Well, what are you going to do when you find her? If I find her, I'm gonna try and convince her to turn herself in and you know, let the case go to trial. Well, seems someone's feeling better today. -Not really. -Oh, sorry to hear that. You know, I called several times to check up on you yesterday. Huh. I must have been asleep. And then I came home last night and you weren't here. I was worried. Gotta go. -Where? -Out. -To the doctor. -Marissa, come back here. Or what? You're not my father, Cal. You know what? If you want to parent someone, why don't you go over to Lindsay's house and ruin her life? Oh, that's right, you already have. Don't wait up. -So what's it about? -Oh, uh, well... -heroes nd, you know... villains. -Good and evil. Sure. Darkness, and then you have light. You guys have no idea, do you? No, not so much really, but you have to admit- its pretty exciting. Our very own comic book? -Hey, it could be autobiographical. Yeah, it could. Yeah, the life of like a young, Jewish boy growing up in Orange County. I like it very much already. -A young Jewish boy with powers. -Sure. No. Yeah. A kid with a secret. In a town full of secrets. -Fistfights, fashion shows. -Definitely. Basically, life in Orange County. But with powers. I like it a lot, and... What have you done to my boyfriend? Okay. Look, it was his idea in the first place. -And we just had a major breakthrough. -Yeah, we did. -Oh, sweetie, do you realize how lame you just sounded? -Summer, if you're not nice, somebody's not gonna be in the comic. Ooh. Yeah. Shakin' in my boots, Cohen. Sweetie. Hi. I will see you out front after school. Actually, we're working, after school, but I would love to, uh, you know, hang out with you a little bit later. Perhaps dinner and a movie? Well, I guess. -Just not a comic book movie. -Comic book movies sucks anyway. -True. -Dude, you didn't like X2? -Really? -I've seen better. What have you done to him? I swear to God, Cohen, by the time the sun goes down, if Brainstorming Boy here doesn't turn back into my boyfriend... Brainstorming Boy. Brainstorm. .. Brainstorming Lad. Right. Let's work with this. Brainstorming Kid. Brainstorming Young Ward with the secret identity which is, at night he's Brainstorming Man, and what that is, is he's a genius. The contracts have been vetted twice, so I just need you to sign. -Dad, are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry. -You take good care of me, Kiki. -Better than I deserve. -What does that mean? -It means I haven't always been the best father. Pretty much. .. no. -You still in touch with Lindsay? -Are you? -She doesn't ever bothercalling me. -Dad, she's in high school. If you want to hear from Lindsay, you've to call her. Uh, you were right. Caleb Nichol is not a good guy. Why, why happened? Did he call you? The O.C. Weekly, he's pretty much everything that's wrong with Western Civilization, all wrapped up in one guy. So, even if he did call me... -He's calling me. It says Newport Group. Why is he calling me? -No, it's not. It's probably Kirsten. Right. Um. .. sorry. -Hey, Kirsten. -Lindsay, Caleb Nichol. I was thinking it's time you and I sat down. What was that about? Um, it was Caleb. -He wants to have dinner tonight. -You're kidding? -Will you come with me? -I don't think that's a good idea. Please. I'm not gonna go without you. -He's not gonna be happy about this. -Do you really care about Caleb Nichol's happiness? -I care about yours. -Well, then,I will see you tonight. So, what does the butterfly mean? Oh. It means, I was drunk. -No way. -Yeah. I was drunk. I had just gotten emancipated from my parents, and the words "Mom" and "Dad" with a huge X through them was way too expensive. You got emancipated? I thought only child stars did that. Yup. Me, Hilary Duff, and Lil Bow Wow. Wait. So how did you do it? I petitioned the court. I had my parents sign the form, which they were more than happy to do when they found out about me and Jody, and, um, that was it. I was free. -I wish I could do that. -Piss your parents off bad enough. Believe me, I've tried. Well, then I guess they really love you. -Do you ever miss yours? -Sometimes. -But my friends are my family, you know? -I do. Sandy Cohen. I couldn't believe it when they told me. -How are you, Joe? -Well, not as good as you. You look good, successful. What happened? -You sell out? -No. I did 15 years in the Public Defenders' office. Good for you. Maybe you can work me up an appeal, get me out of here. -How? You confessed. -To an act of civil disobedience. -Not manslaughter. -You set the place on fire. And a man died. It was an accident. Custodian wasn't supposed to be there. You know that. Like any of that matters now. What do you want, Sandy? I'm looking for Rebecca. Sandy Cohen is coming to me, looking for Rebecca. -Oh, let it go. This isn't about you and me. -When it comes to Rebecca, it's always been about you and me. Well, not anymore. Okay. Then what's this about? Her father. He's sick. He's looking for her. I tell you what. He can look as far and wide as he wants to. He's never gonna find her. -So, you're not gonna help me? -Oh, I can't help you, Sandy. Rebecca... she's dead. She's dead? I'm so sorry. I can't believe this. -I can't believe it, either. -Are you calling the professor? An old friend of mine, one of the guys in the group. He's a lawyer now in Vancouver. Hello. Yes, directory assistance for Vancouver, please. -But why? What are you gonna find out? -Yes, please, I'd like the number for Mark Denham D-E-N-H-A-M. Thank you. Well, if she was sick, there'd be insurance forms or hospital records or something. And, God forbid, if she were dead, there'd be a death certificate. So you don't think she's dead. I can't believe that if she were dying, she wouldn't try to contact her dad. Or you. We're just gonna get what we came for and then get the hell out of here, all right? -Are you all right? 'Cause you seem nervous. -No, I'm not. I just... Don't let her intimidate you, okay? And let me do all the talking. don't mention anything about the necklace. -I thought you were over her. -I am. I am. I just... -Don't let her talk me into staying the night. -You can't. -You have to take me home. -Right. Good one. Remember that. I had a feeling it might... What is she doing here? We came to get Alex's stuff. And we're not staying. If you say so. -Hey. -Hey... Brian Gatwood, A.K.A. Kid Chino. The strong but silent youth from the wrong side of the tracks who, when provoked, unleashes his fists of fury. Maybe we should change your superhero name to Overdressed Lad. Lindsay asked me to be the buffer tonight between her and Caleb. -I thought we were working tonight. And Grandpa hates you. -I told her that. She thought I was overreacting. Well, hey, man, at least you show up on his radar. He once asked my mom if I was mildly retarded. -Well, wait till he finds out about your powers. -What powers? Turns out I don't make a very convincing superhero. -You do have powers. -Hey, can I see this? -What are these? -They're just sketches I did in Portland. -The summer without Summer. -Has Zach seen these? -No, I was gonna show him tonight. -No, you are not. You are not gonna show these to Zach. -Dude, they're just drawings. -Of a girl you were clearly obsessed with. 'Kay, first of all, "obsessed," pretty strong word. Maybe you're right, and therefore I won't show him. -They're really good, though. -Thanks. Hey, don't let Grandpa scare you, all right? Remember, you're Brian Gatwood, Fists of Fury. -Sure you don't want a beer? -We have to drive back. Tonight. Okay, so far I have found two T-shirts, a bra and my fat jeans. -What else do you have of mine? -Nothing, I swear. -So then you wouldn't mind if I kept looking. -Oh, you can look all night if you want. I won't be long. -Breakups, huh? -Get ready, you're next. -I'm not her... -I'm sure you're not. -My motorcycle boots! -Those are mine. -How can you say these are yours? -Because I bought them. Okay, see? That is your problem. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Tell me what my problem is. I can't wait to hear this. I don't even know where to begin. You know what? Keep my boots, keep my records,it's fine. It's not fine. What do you want from me? I want you to stay. I want to talk about what's going on here. Why don't you take Alex's Jeep home. I'll bring her back later. -I can't. -Why not? Well, do you think I'm really gonna leave my girlfriend alone with you overnight? I thought she wasn't your girlfriend. Yeah, well, think again. Come on, babe, let's go. -Okay, that was awesome! -Really? You think she bought it? Are you kidding me? She thought you and I were sleeping together when she met you at the club last week. -I defended your honor. -I appreciate that. Are you kidding? I owe you so much now. I got my fat jeans, I got my cd's, and who cares if I didn't get... my heart... -How did you...? -I'm sneaky like that. And... now you have both. No. This one's yours. -How's it look? -Good. -I guess we got to get you home, huh? -No. I have a better idea. -What do you think? -I think you're, like,the missing link between Jack Kirby and, -I don't know, Eric White. -Hey, thanks, man. Zach? That is it, I am pulling the plug. You were supposed to pick me up over an hour ago! -I know, I'm sorry, but Seth and I were just... -I don't want to hear it. What, are you guys, like, cavalier and gay? -That was funny. -I know. Uh, I'm sorry. Listen, Seth, I'll call you. -We're leaving. -Wait-wait-whoa-whoa, no, we're not. Is that supposed to be Marissa? Cohen, did you do these? Is that Ryan? Captain Oats? Is that you? Well... Where am I? Not finished yet. Just wanted to get the attitude right. There's a lot of attitude. I think we made some good progress today. It's definitely keeping my mind off girls. Keep talking comics, Cohen, I don't think girls will be an issue ever again. Ah, she's so supportive-- that's why I like her. -Shoot! I left my purse upstairs. I'll be right back. -We're gonna miss the movie. Whose fault is that? Oh! Ooh, sorry, Captain Oats. Hope you don't pull up lame. -Come on, Summ, we're gonna be late. -What are you doing up there? Oh, thank you. Um... so, thank you so much for calling this afternoon and suggesting dinner. It was... Long overdue. I meant to call you right after the holidays, but... -work has been all-consuming. -Oh, yeah, I'm sure. I mean, I can imagine. So, what about you, Lindsay? How is... school? What are you studying? Hey. Sorry I'm late. Traffic. Uh, that's okay. We just got menus. My apologies. If I had known we were going to be three, I'd have asked the waiter for another one. Oh, I-I'm sorry it's my fault. I should have said something earlier. Nonsense. I should have assumed Ryan would want to make himself part of this. -I asked him to come. -Look, I can leave if you want. You've already scammed your way into one of my daughters' lives. Why stop there? This isn't about me. Isn't it? You set this whole thing up. -You came to my office, you show up at dinner. -You went to his office? -I was just trying to help. -He said that you wanted a relationship with me, but if that were true, he wouldn't be here, so, what is it that the two of you really want? Money? What? A new car? An ivy league education. Have your accomplice here drop by my office with a list of demands. That should cover it. Good night. Hey, Mark, it's Sandy Cohen again. I know this is my fifth message today, but I'm still up, so if you get this, please call bac Thanks. You going to stay up all night? -Well, I'm not tired, that's for sure. -No word from your lawyer friend? No. And no confirmation she's dead. What if she's not? What if your suspicions are right? One way or another, she's gone. What is it going to take for you to let her go? -What are you talking about? -Rebecca Blume. The smart, political Jewish woman that you were supposed to marry before you ended up with me. You're still in love with her. That is not true. Then come to bed. Hello. Mark. Hey. I-I'm sorry to be harassing you, but, you know, time's of the, uh... Oh. No kidding. Well, thanks for calling back. All right, take care. She's dead. -What are you going to do? -I got to call the professor, but I... oh, I can't tell him this on the phone. I'm sorry. It was a long time ago. Maybe I need to let go of her, too. I'm going to go. I won't be long. Princess Sparkle, you are not going to believe this. I'm sorry. -Why are you sorry? -'Cause I made you come to dinner, and I know how much you hate him. -I don't hate him. -Yeah, well, he hates you. -So for you to have gone to his office for me was... -A mistake. I really didn't want anything from him. I just wanted to ask him some questions, you know? Stupid stuff. Maybe I don't need a dad. You know, I've... gone all this time without one. I turned out okay. Right? -Maybe I could talk to him. -No. -Or ask Kirsten to talk to him. -No. You've done enough. More than enough. And you said it yourself, he's not a good guy. Yeah, but he's your dad. You sure I can't... I'm sure. But thanks. Let me just change my shirt, then we can get out of here. Your shirt is fine, I'm telling you. Then why is it sticking to me? -Am I bleeding? -Let me see. Oh, wow. No, you're not bleeding. -See for yourself. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What have you done? Nothing. Get out of here, Caleb. -This is my house, my home. -Fine. You know what then, we'll leave. -You're not going anywhere. -Oh, really? Are you going to stop me? Yeah, that's what I thought. Come on, Alex. Nice house. Come in. Hey. What are you doing here? I, um, I came to return something that I stole. Oh. You found it. Great. Okay, here's the thing. I know that it's totally creepy. Okay, I know that. It was just a very long summer, and I'm sorry, and I will destroy all of them right now. I just need to find my X-Acto knife. No, Cohen, don't. I think they're really good. -Yeah? -Yeah. I mean, well, the boobs are a little big, but... well, I mean, aren't they? -I can redo the boobs. -And, you know, I... I'm not so sure about the mask either. -Now that's what I'm talking about. -Yeah? -So then you don't mind? -No. Well, not as long as I have boob approval. Okay. Do you mind if I, uh, have one of these? Uh, yeah, sure, go ahead. You can actually have them all, if you want. Although, maybe it's not such a good idea to tell Zach about them all. Or any of them. -I was just thinking the same thing. -Yeah, just 'cause, you know, it might upset the partnership and... -Well, it could be bad for business. -Exactly. Okay. I'm going to let you get back to work because I expect my own action figure by Christmukkah. -Oh. Wow. Okay. Well, I'll see what I can do. -Thanks, Cohen. Hey, Professor. Well, any chance you could meet me tonight? How about my office? I'll see you then. Hey. How was dinner? I wouldn't know. Caleb took off before we could order. -'Cause you punched him in the face? -No. But you wanted to. I could tell you wanted to. That's good. Hey, listen, man, he deserved it, I'm sure. I love the guy, but come on. He's Lex Luthor. Oh, it's my fault. I keep trying to help. I keep making everything worse. Well, Ryan, that's what heroes do, okay. What else are you going to do with fists of fury, homework? The dishes? -How'd it go with Zach? -Great, until Summer came over and stole my sketchbook. What? What'd she do? Well, I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out, she's just going to get her own action figure. So she liked it. Yeah. Think Summer and I may be taking a step forward in our relationship. And knowing us, Lindsay and I will probably take a step back. Hey. So between the two of us... We're right back where we started. Well, at least we haven't lost any ground. Except you on me. Here we go. Well, I see you've got your hands full. I'm sorry to have called you here so late. Oh, no, actually, Sanford, I was going to call you. I have something to show you. What is it? Sandy Cohen. Rebecca. One day in November, 1532, the New World and the old world collided... 168 Spaniards attacked the imperial army of the Incas in the highlands of Peru. Before the day was out, they had massacred 7,000 people, and taken control of the Inca Empire. Not a single Spanish life was lost in the process. Why was the balance of power so uneven between Old World and New? And why, in the centuries that followed, were Europeans the ones who conquered so much of the globe? These are questions that fascinate Professor Jared Diamond. He is on a quest to understand the roots of power, searching for clues in the most unlikely places. He's developed a highly original theory that what separates the winners from the losers is the land itself: Geography. It was the shape of the continents, their crops and animals that allowed some cultures to flourish, while others were left behind. But can this way of seeing the world shed light on the events of 1532? How can geography explain the conquest of the world by guns, germs and steel? Titles: Episode 2: Conquest For two years, a band of Spanish conquistadors has been traveling in search of gold and glory. They're not professional soldiers, but mercenaries and adventurers, led by a retired army captain, Francisco Pizarro. He's already made a fortune for himself in the colonies of Central America. Now he's taking his men south, into unknown territory. They are the first Europeans to have climbed the Andes, and ventured this far into the continent of South America. As they travel, they find evidence of a large native civilization. They've reached the edge of the mighty Inca Empire. For Indians and Spaniards alike, any encounter is a clash of cultures. These Indians have never seen white men before, and have no idea of the threat they represent. They can't imagine that within a few days, these strangers will turn their world upside down. By the 1530s, the Inca Empire was enormous. It stretched along the length of the Andes, from modern-day Ecuador to central Chile, a distance of 2,500 miles. But just 500 miles to the north began the colonies of Central America and the Caribbean prized possessions of the Spanish empire. At the time, the Spanish king controlled a third of mainland Europe, but Spain itself had only recently become a unified state, having fought off 700 years of occupation by Islamic Moors. It was still a rural society. Most of the conquistadors came from villages and small towns in the heart of the country; towns like Trujillo, where Pizarro grew up. He spent much of his childhood here, working as a swineherd in the fields nearby. Today he's remembered as a great warrior. His statue dominates the main square in Trujillo, and his family home has been turned into a museum. Jared Diamond has come here to explore the world of the conquistadors, and understand the secret of their success. This is Francisco Pizarro, a Spaniard who conquered the most powerful state in the New World, the Inca Empire. Why did Pizarro and his men conquer the Incas instead of the other way round? It seems like a simple question. The answer isn't immediately obvious. After all, Pizarro started out as a rather ordinary person, and Trujillo here is a rather ordinary town. So what is it that gave Pizarro and his men this enormous power? Why am I so interested in Pizarro's conquistadors? Because their story is such a grimly successful example of European conquest. And for 30 years I've been exploring patterns of conquest. Jared Diamond is a professor at UCLA in Los Angeles. But most of his fi eldwork has been done in Papua New Guinea. His time there inspired him to explore the roots of inequality in the modern world. To understand why some people have been able to dominate and conquer others. Looking back thousands of years, he argues that farming gave some cultures an enormous head start, and those who were lucky enough to have the most productive crops and animals became the most productive farmers. Agriculture first developed in a part of the Middle East known as the Fertile Crescent. Over time, crops and animals from the Fertile Crescent spread into North Africa and Europe, where they triggered an explosion of civilization. By the 16th Century, European farms were dominated by livestock animals that had come from the Fertile Crescent. None were native to Europe. They provided more than just meat. They were a source of milk and wool, leather and manure. And crucially, they provided muscle power. Harnessed to a plough, a horse or an ox could transform the productivity of farmland. European farmers were able to grow more food to feed more people, who could then build bigger and more complex societies. In the New World, there were no horses or cattle for farming. All the work had to be done by hand. The only large domestic animal was the llama, but these docile creatures have never been harnessed to a plough. The Incas were very skilled at growing potatoes and corn, but because of their geography, they could never be as productive as European farmers. Horses gave Europeans another massive advantage, they could be ridden. To the Incas, the sight of Pizarro's conquistadors passing through their land is extraordinary. They've never seen people carried by their animals before. Some think they are gods, these strange-looking men, part human, part beast. The horses that seemed so exotic to the Incas had already been used in Spain for 4,000 years. ,tropsnart dezirotom erofeb ega na ni they allowed people to be mobile, and control their land. When Javier Martin is not herding cattle, he gives displays of traditional horsemanship. This style of riding is known as jimeta. The emphasis is on control and maneuverability, using bent knees to grip the sides of the horse, and only one hand on the reins. Very different from the more formal style of medieval knights. By the 16th century, the jimeta way of riding had become the dominant style of the Spanish cavalry. This is how the conquistadors would have ridden their horses. It's an amazing display of a big animal being controlled by a person, precise control, stopping and starting and turning. Javier told me that he has been riding since he was five years old, and when I watched this, I have a better understanding where the conquistadors were coming from. They were masters of these techniques, and they learned these techniques for working with bulls, but the techniques were also good in a military context as well, and I can see that this control would let you ride down people in the open. People who had never seen horses before would have been absolutely terrified watching this. It would be strange and frightening, and that's even before one of these animals is rushing towards you, riding you down, about to lance you and kill you. News of the godlike strangers on their four-legged animals is taken by royal messenger to the emperor of the Incas, who's camped in the valley of Cajamarca in northern Peru, guarded by an army of 80,000 men. Ataxalpa is revered as a living god, a son of the sun itself. He's in Cajamarca on a religious retreat, giving thanks for a series of recent military triumphs. When he hears about the progress of the Spaniards, he chooses not to have them killed. Instead, he sends back a message. He invites them to join him in Cajamarca, as quickly as possible. Ataxalpa wanted the Spaniards to come to Cajamarca and enter into a trap, and to be sure that they would do so; he played like a psychological game with them, sending presents, asking them to come. Ataxalpa knew that the Spaniards were not gods. The intelligence reports speak of people wearing wool on their faces, like a lamb or like an alpaca, they're just like an animal. Then they went from one place to the other wearing on top of their heads a little pot that has never been used for cooking. You need to be crazy to walk with a pot, but you must be beyond salvation if you arrive to a camp and you don't use that pot to cook. Ataxalpa had an idea that these were sub-humans. What could a few horsemen and a hundred or so Spaniards do to the powerful Inca? Virtually nothing. But Ataxalpa's spies don't realize that the Spanish are armed with some of the best weapons in the world. At the time of the conquistadors, Spain had the biggest army in Europe, orchestrated from the imperial capital, Toledo. For more than 700 years the Spaniards had been at war, fighting against the Moors and other European armies. There was an arms race in Europe. To survive, the Spaniards needed to keep up with the latest in weapons technology. By the 1530s, the Jacobus was an important part of the Spanish arsenal. Gunpowder had originally come from China, but its use as a weapon was pioneered by the Arabs. In European hands, guns became lighter and more portable, and were used for the fi rst time by foot soldiers on the battlefield. The Jacobus was still a crude weapon, but would go on to change the face of warfare. To us, moderns, this gun doesn't seem useful for anything, it's like a joke. Its aim is terrible, it takes a long time to reload, and while the shooter's reloading it a swordsman would come in and kill him, but the Incas hadn't even gotten this far, and even this gun, with its sound and with the smell and with the smoke and with every now and then a person that it manages to kill, would have been terrifying to someone who had never seen this before. This would have been shock and awe, 1532 style. For all its bluster, the technology of gunpowder was still in its infancy. The real power of the conquistadors lay elsewhere, with the production of steel. Toledo had some of the best sword smiths in the world. But why were people here able to craft deadly steel weapons, while the Incas were still making simple bronze tools? There was nothing innately brilliant about Europeans themselves that allowed them to be the ones to make high quality swords. Just as with guns, swords were the result of a long process of trial and error that began outside Europe. People started working with metal in the Fertile Crescent 7,000 years ago, and because Europe is geographically close to the Fertile Crescent, Europeans inherited this metal technology. But they took this technology on to a new level. European soldiers demanded stronger, longer, sharper swords. This is what a Toledo sword looks like when it's finished. This particular one is modeled on the sword that Pizarro carried. It's a fearsome weapon. It's used for stabbing and it's also used for slashing, and I can easily understand how the person wielding the sword could kill dozens of people within a short time. Swords like this, rapiers, represented a high point in a very sophisticated metalworking technology. You think about what the qualities are that are needed in a sword. First of all, it has to be hard enough, the metal has to be hard enough to take a sharp edge, and that requires steel that is iron infused with carbon, and the more carbon you put into the iron, then the harder the metal is. But if you make it too hard, then it's brittle, and that's no good because as you hit somebody, your sword would break, and so you also need your sword to have a certain pliability, an ability to bend and spring back into shape. And it's got by heating it to certain temperatures, plunging it into cold water, immense amount of experimentation, it took centuries to get to the level of sophistication where you could get something so long and elegant and fine, and deadly as the rapier. The rapier, with its extra long blade, was developed as a dueling weapon, but became so fashionable in Renaissance Europe; it was the sword of choice for any aspiring gentleman. The word rapier derives from the Spanish term "espara ropera", and that means dress sword. And for the first time in Spain, we start to see people wearing the sword with their everyday clothing, their civilian dress, going about their everyday business. They didn't do that in the Middle Ages. This is something new in the 16th century, and it's saying I have arrived, I am a gentleman, I am upwardly mobile, and I claim ancestry from the knights of the Middle Ages. It was very much a symbol of the conquistadors' aspiring greed. The thing that drove them through all their hardships, the thing that made them go to the Americas, was their lust for gold, their lust for self-advancement, and the rapier absolutely symbolized that overbearing avarice. On November 15th 1532, Pizarro's band of adventurers entered the valley of Cajamarca. They've been told that Ataxalpa is waiting for them here. But they're not prepared for the sight that greets them. In the hills beyond the town of Cajamarca is the imperial Inca army, 80,000 men in full battle order. The conquistadors' own journals bear witness to their first impressions. Their camp looked like a very beautiful city. We'd seen nothing like it in the Indies until then, and it scared us, because we were so few and so deep in this land. Pizzaro sends a party of his best horsemen into the heart of the Inca camp. They are led by Captain De Soto. They are gambling that Ataxalpa will allow them to pass through the camp unharmed, and agree to meet them. Soto's visit had a very important psychological purpose; to intimidate the Inca in front of his people. Challenging him with the horse. Ataxalpa at first didn't react to Soto's presence, as if nobody had entered the room. Once the, the horse comes eye to eye with the Inca, the Inca is still calm, showing that the horse has no impact on him, calling Soto's bluff. The captain advanced so close that the horse's nostrils disturbed the fringe of the Inca's forehead. But the Inca never moved. And then, after a brief silence comes Ataxalpa's explosion. He was telling them, the time has come for you to pay. I understand this as the time has come for you to pay with your lives. Soto I understand was nervous enough to come back with fear to the, the camp, and as we know, the Spaniards spent the night before in extreme fear. The conquistadors had made their camp in the town of Cajamarca. Many of them are now convinced they are facing oblivion. 168 soldiers, 1,000 miles from any other Spaniard, facing an army of 80,000 Incas. Few of us slept that night. We kept walking the square, from where we could see the camp fires of the Indian army. It was a fearful sight, like a brilliantly star-studded night. Pizarro and his most trusted officers debate their options for how to deal with Ataxalpa. Some advise caution, but Pizarro insists their best chance is to launch a surprise attack the next day. It's a tactic that's worked successfully in the past. Twelve years before Pizarro went to Peru, another famous conquistador, Hernan Cortez, had gone to Mexico and encountered another formidable civilization: the Aztecs. He conquered the country by kidnapping the Aztec leader and exploiting the ensuing chaos. Cortez's story was later published and became a bestseller, a handbook for any would-be conquistador. It can still be found in the great library of Salamanca University in Northern Spain. This wonderful library here can be thought of among other things as a repository of dirty tricks, because in these books are the accounts of what generals had been doing to other generals for thousands of years in the past and across much of Eurasia, and here from this library we have a famous account of the conquest of Mexico with all the details of what Cortez did to the Aztecs and what worked. That was a model for Pizarro to give him ideas what exactly to try out on the Incas, whereas the Incas without writing, had only local knowledge transmitted by oral memory, and they were unsophisticated and naive compared to the Spaniards because of writing. But if books were so useful, why couldn't the Incas read or write? To develop a new system of writing independently is an extremely complex process, and has happened very rarely in human history. It was first achieved by the Sumerian people of the Fertile Crescent at least 5,000 years ago. They pioneered an elaborate system of symbols called cuneiform, possibly as a way of recording farming transactions. Ever since, almost every other written language of Europe and Asia has copied, adapted or simply been inspired by the basics of cuneiform. The spread of writing was helped enormously by the invention of paper, ink and moveable type, innovations that all came from outside Europe but were seized upon by Europeans in the Middle Ages to produce the ultimate transmitter of knowledge: the printing press. The written word could now spread quickly and accurately across Europe and Asia. The modern world would be impossible without the development of writing. But there's another part of the world where a new system of writing was invented independently. In Southern Mexico, at least 2,500 years ago, native people developed a way of working with symbols that involved into the Mayan script. But if the Maya had writing, why didn't it spread south to the Andes and help the Incas become literate? For Diamond, the answer lies in the shape of the continents. Here were Europe and Asia forming the continent of Eurasia, a giant continent but it's stretched out from east to west, and narrows from north to south. The American continent is long from north to south, narrow from east to west, very narrow at Panama where it narrows down to less than 100 miles. The two continents are of the same lengths, about 8,000 miles in maximum dimensions, but Eurasia is 8,000 miles from east to west, and the Americas are 8,000 miles from north to south, it's as if these continents were rotated 90 degrees of each other. Diamond has already shown that crops and animals could spread easily east and west across Eurasia. Because places the same latitude automatically share the same day length and a similar climate and vegetation. But the American continents were the opposite of Eurasia. A journey from one end of the Americas to the other is a journey from north to south, a journey through different day lengths, different climate zones, and dramatically different vegetation. These basic differences hindered the spread of crops and animals as well as people, ideas and technologies. The people of the Andes were chronically isolated, without access to writing or almost any other innovation from elsewhere in the Americas. By contrast, Pizarro and his men were geographically blessed. As Spaniards, they enjoyed the benefit of technologies and ideas that had spread easily across Eurasia. The events of 1532 were clearly influenced by deep causes, over which no individual Spaniard or Inca had any control. The shape of the continents, the distribution of plants and animals, the spread of Eurasian technology, these were facts of geography, and at almost every turn of the drama, geography was tilted in favor of the Europeans. It's the morning of November 16th, 1532. Ataxalpa has agreed to meet the Spaniards in the town of Cajamarca, and sends his entourage ahead of him. But he makes a fateful decision: that his soldiers should not carry weapons. The Indians were musicians and dancers. They were soldiers, but unarmed. Why would Ataxalpa unarm his own soldiers? Why, because he was in the festivity, he was celebrating. He wasn't going to war. He was going for a celebration so that the whole people could see how the alleged gods would run away in fear. The fact that some people believed that the Spaniards were gods would play better in the hands of Ataxalpa's purpose. If I know they are not gods and I defeat the gods, then of course everybody will be with me. But what if I defeat the gods with no show of force at all? Then I am beyond the gods. While Ataxalpa and his men enter Cajamarca, the Spaniards are waiting, hidden from view. There were five or 6,000 men and behind them, the figure of Ataxalpa, seated in a very fi ne litter, lined with feathers and embellished with gold and silver. Many of us pissed ourselves out of sheer terror. The square is filed with Ataxalpa's people, but there's, there's not one Spaniard at sight. Ataxalpa asks, 'Where are these dogs? ' One of his right hands answers, 'They have run away because they are afraid of magnificent Inca'. Of course the whole crowd listened to this and believed that this was the case. I come before you in the name of Christianity... Pizarro sends out his priest to confront Ataxalpa. ...to show you the path of truth The conquistadors are obliged to try and convert native people before any resort to violence. What are you talking about hair face? I am the Son of the Sun! I have the right to govern my people What right do you have to speak to me in this way? My authority comes from The Lord His Word is written in this book This is your power? Ataxalpa has never seen a book before. He doesn't know what to do with it. It's worthless I don't hear the word you speak of How dare you, Indian dog! Come out, Spaniards! Destroy these dogs who don't respect things of God! At that moment, with the crowd absolutely unprepared, the horses come. There was massive panic. Just imagine the scene in Cajamarca. The Incas hadn't seen horses before, and these aren't ordinary horses, these are Spanish horses, fierce, big, fighting horses. They could get in amongst men, they would trample men and they made the most excellent platform. From the horse, you could stab down to the left, stab down to the right, you could cut, you could scythe, hacking all about you. If only the Incas had known that what you had to do against cavalry was stand firm, then they'd have been alright, they had superior numbers, but they didn't know that. They fled, they broke ranks, and then the horsemen could get in amongst them and they cut them down. There was an Inca god called Viracoxa, and he was a white man, and he was the god of thunder, and they thought these men with their aquabuses were the very incarnation of Viracoxa. The Inca Ataxalpa was in his litter, held by his carriers. As soon as they were able to do it, the Spaniards went after the litter. And they started killing the carriers. One carrier would fall, and another one would replace him. Only at the very, very, very end of the tragedy, the litter started to move because there were no more carriers left. As the litter falls, Pizarro himself captures Ataxalpa. His plan has worked to perfection. Ataxalpa is taken to a makeshift prison in the royal quarters at Cajamarca. He thought we were going to kill him, but we told him, no. Christians only kill in the heat of the battle. Outside, thousands of Incas are dead. The rest of the army has retreated to the hills. In spite of a massive imbalance in number, Spanish horses, swords and strategy have proved decisive. But the Spaniards possessed another weapon they didn't even know they had, a weapon of mass destruction that had marched invisibly ahead of them. Today, the war against infectious disease is waged at biological research centers like Porton Down in Southern England. They produce vaccines here against the world's deadliest viruses. In the 16th century there were no vaccines, and there was no protection from the rampant spread of infectious disease. Twelve years before Pizarro arrived at Cajamarca, a Spanish ship sailed to Mexico. On board, one of the slaves was suffering from the first signs of a fever. He was the first person to bring a deadly disease to the American mainland. The disease was smallpox. Within weeks, the smallpox virus would spread from a single source to infect thousands of native Americans. Smallpox gets into the body when you breathe in the particles, and they attach themselves to the back of your throat and the inside of your lungs. About two to three days into the illness, then the classic rash appears, and in its worst forms, this takes over the whole of the body with initially pimples and then enormous blisters until the whole of the skin, starting with the hands and the face and then spreading down to cover the rest of the body, From that time on, the patient is highly infectious. Because each of those blisters is packed full of smallpox particles, then if you burst a blister, fluid will come out and large numbers of viruses will be spilt onto whatever it touches. Ten to twelve days later, his friends would be taken ill, and then ten to twelve days after that, their friends. That kind of rate means the disease spreads exponentially. Its rate of increase gets bigger and bigger and bigger the more people are infected, until eventually it will cause tremendous devastation in the population. The first smallpox epidemic of the New World swept through Central America and reached the Inca Empire. Wherever it went, the virus decimated native populations, making them easier prey for Spanish conquest. But why were the germs so one-sided? Why did the Spaniards pass their diseases onto the Incas, and not the other way around? This is Pizarro's secret weapon; pigs and cows, sheep and goats, domestic animals. Remember that Pizarro was a swineherd. He grew up in huts like this, in intimate contact with domestic animals, breathing in their germs, drinking the germs in their milk, and it was from the germs of domestic animals that the killer diseases of humans evolved, for example our 'flu evolved from a disease of pigs transmitted via chickens and ducks. We acquired measles from cattle; we acquired smallpox from domestic animals, so that these worst killers of human people were a legacy of 10,000 years of contact with our beloved domestic animals. During the Middle Ages, infectious diseases swept through Europe and claimed millions of lives. But paradoxically, repeated epidemics made Europeans more resilient. In each outbreak, there were always some people who were genetically better able to fight off the virus. These people were more likely to survive and have children. In the process, they'd pass on their genetic resistance. Over centuries, whole populations acquired some degree of protection against the spread of diseases like smallpox a protection the Incas never had. Once smallpox was taken to the New World, nobody in the New World had ever seen a disease like this before, so the number of people who were susceptible was much greater. There was no natural immunity, and so therefore the number of people who could both contract the disease and then spread it, and the number of people to receive it once it had spread, was much higher. More people would die, and more people would be susceptible to catch it in the first place. It would spread rapidly throughout the population, and the death toll would be enormous. Why hadn't Native Americans encountered smallpox before? And why didn't they have any deadly diseases of their own to pass on to the Spaniards? It's simply because they didn't have the same history of contact with farm animals. The Incas had llamas, but llamas aren't like European cows and sheep. They're not milked, they're not kept in large herds, and they don't live in barns and huts alongside humans. There was no significant exchange of germs between llamas and people. The key to Diamond's argument is the distribution of farm animals around the world. Aside from the llama, all the large farm animals were native to Eurasia and North Africa. None was ever domesticated in North America, Sub-Saharan Africa, or Australia. As a result, the worst epidemic diseases were also native to Eurasia and North Africa, and were then spread around the world with deadly effect. There's been a long debate about the number of indigenous people who died in the Spanish conquest of the New World. Some scholars think there may have been a population of 20 million Native Americans, and the vast majority, perhaps 95%, were killed by Old World diseases. A continent virtually emptied of its people. After the initial shock of his capture, Ataxalpa became a cooperative prisoner. He learned to speak Spanish, and play chess with his captors. The Spaniards realized he was more useful to them alive than dead. He was allowed to re-establish his court in prison, as long as he ordered his people to accept Spanish rule. He also ordered them to melt down a vast amount of treasure. Pizarro had promised Ataxalpa his freedom in return for the gold. It proved to be an empty promise. Having handed over 20 tons of gold and silver, Ataxalpa was no longer useful to his captors. He was garrotted to death, in the same square where so many of his followers had been slaughtered eight months earlier. With Ataxalpa dead, the conquistadors went on to colonize the rest of Peru. Relying on the power of their guns, germs and steel. Gold from the Spanish colonies was brought back to Seville in Southern Spain. There's little activity in the Guadocreata River today, but in the 16th century, this was among the most important, busiest ports in the world. A steady fl ow of ships carrying treasure from the Americas helped Spain become one of the richest nations on earth. The conquistadors had changed forever the relationship between Old World and New. I came to Spain to answer a question, why did Pizarro and his men conquer the Incas instead of the other way around? There's a whole mythology that that conquest and the European expansion in general resulted from Europeans themselves being especially brave or bold or inventive or smart, but the answers turn out to have nothing to do with any personal qualities of Europeans. Yeah, Pizarro and his men were brave, but there were plenty of brave Incas. Instead, Europeans were accidental conquerors. By virtue of their geographic location and history, they were the first people to acquire guns, germs and steel. By the end of the 19th century, European powers had ventured down the Americas and colonized Africa, Australia and much of Asia. The process that began at Cajamarca had reached its logical conclusion. European guns, germs and steel were reshaping the world. Subtitle made by Polux@titrari.ro One day in November 1532, the new world and old world collided. 168 spaniards attacked the imperial army of the incas in the highlands of Peru. Before the day was out, they had massacred 7,000 people and taken control of the inca empire. Not a single Spanish life was lost in the process. Why was the balance of power so uneven between old world and new? And why, in the centuries that followed, were Europeans the ones who conquered so much of the globe? These are questions that fascinate professor Jared diamond. He is on a quest to understand the roots of power- searching for clues in the most unlikely places. He's developed a highly original theory- that what separates the winners from the losers is the land itself... Geography. It was the shape of the continents, their crops and animals that allowed some cultures to flourish, while others were left behind. But can this way of seeing the world shed light on the events of 1532? How can geography explain the conquest of the world by guns, germs and steel? For two years, a band of Spanish conquistadors has been traveling in search of gold and glory. They're not professional soldiers, but mercenaries and adventurers, led by a retired army captain- Francisco pizarro. He's already made a fortune for himself in the colonies of central America. Now he's taking his men south into unknown territory. They are the first Europeans to have climbed the andes- and ventured this far into the continent of south America. As they travel they find evidence of a large native civilization. They've reached the edge of the mighty inca empire. For Indians and spaniards alike, any encounter is a clash of cultures. These Indians have never seen white men before- and have no idea of the threat they represent. They can't imagine that within a few days these strangers will turn their world upside down. By the 1530s the inca empire was enormous... It stretched along the length of the andes from modern day Ecuador to central Chile, a distance of two and a half thousand miles. But just 500 miles to the north began the colonies of central America and the Caribbean- prized possessions of the Spanish empire. At the time, the Spanish king controlled a third of mainland Europe. But Spain itself had only recently become a unified state, having fought off 700 years of occupation by islamic moors. It was still a rural society. Most of the conquistadors came from villages and small towns in the heart of the country- towns like trujillo, where pizarro grew up. He spent much of his childhood here, working as a swineherd in the fields nearby. Today he's remembered as a great warrior... His statue dominates the main square in trujillo. And his family home has been turned into a museum. Jared diamond has come here to explore the world of the conquistadors... And understand the secret of their success. This is Francisco pizarro, a spaniard who conquered the most powerful state in the new world, the inca empire. Why did pizarro and his men conquer the incas, instead of the other way around? It seems like a simple question. The answer isn't immediately obvious. After all, pizarro started out as a rather ordinary person, and trujillo here is a rather ordinary town. So what is it that gave pizarro and his men this enormous power? Why am I so interested in pizarro's conquistadors? Because their story is such a grimly successful example of European conquest... and for 30 years I've been exploring patterns of conquest. Jared diamond is a professor at ucla in Los Angeles. But most of his field work has been done in Papua New Guinea. His time there inspired him to explore the roots of inequality in the modern world... to understand why some people have been able to dominate and conquer others. Looking back thousands of years, he argues that farming gave some cultures an enormous head start, and those who were lucky enough to have the most productive crops and animals became the most productive farmers. Agriculture first developed in a part of the middle east known as the fertile Crescent. Over time, crops and animals from the fertile Crescent spread into north Africa and Europe, where they triggered an explosion of civilization. By the 16th century, European farms were dominated by livestock animals that had come from the fertile Crescent. None were native to Europe. They provided more than just meat. They were a source of milk and wool, leather and manure. And crucially, they provided muscle power. Harnessed to a plow, a horse or an ox could transform the productivity of farmland. European farmers were able to grow more food to feed more people, who could then build bigger and more complex societies. In the new world, there were no horses or cattle for farming. All the work had to be done by hand. The only large domestic animal was the llama, but these docile creatures have never been harnessed to a plow. The incas were very skilled at growing potatoes and corn, but because of their geography, they could never be as productive as European farmers. Horses gave Europeans another massive advantage... They could be ridden. To the incas, the sight of pizarro's conquistadors passing through their land is extraordinary. They've never seen people carried by their animals before. Some think they are gods... These strange-looking men... Part human, part beast. The horses that seemed so exotic to the incas had already been used in Spain for 4,000 years. In an age before motorized transport, they allowed people to be mobile and control their land. When Javier Martin is not herding cattle, he gives displays of traditional Spanish horsemanship. This style of riding is known as jineta- the emphasis is on control and maneuverability, using bent knees to grip the sides of the horse and only one hand on the reins. Very different from the more formal style of medieval knights. By the 16th century, the jineta way of riding had become the dominant style of the Spanish cavalry. This is how the conquistadors would have ridden their horses. It's an amazing display of a big animal being controlled by a person, precise control, stopping and starting and turning. Javier told me that he has been riding since he was five years old, and when I watch this I have a better understanding of where the conquistadors were coming from. They were masters of these techniques and they learned these techniques for working with bulls, but the techniques were also good in a military context as well. I can see that this control would let you ride down people in the open. People who had never seen horses before would have been absolutely terrified watching this. It would be strange and frightening, and that's even before one of these animals is rushing towards you, riding you down, about to Lance you and kill you. News of the god-like strangers on their four-legged animals is taken by royal messenger to the emperor of the incas... who's camped in the valley of cajamarca in northern Peru, guarded by an army of 80,000 men. Atahualpa is revered as a living god- a son of the sun itself. He's in cajamarca on a religious retreat- giving thanks for a series of recent military triumphs. When he hears about the progress of the spaniards, he chooses not to have them killed. Instead he sends back a message. He invites them to join him in cajamarca as quickly as possible. Trelles: atahualpa wanted the spaniards to come to cajamarca and enter into a trap, and to be sure that they would do so, he played like a psychological game with them, sending presents, asking them to come. Atahualpa knew that the spaniards were not gods. The intelligence reports speak of people wearing wool on their faces, like a llama, like an alpaca, like an animal. Then, they went from one place to the other wearing, on top of their heads, a little pot that has never been used for cooking. You need to be crazy to walk with a pot. But you must be beyond salvation if you arrive to a camp and you don't use that pot to cook! Atahualpa had an idea that these were subhumans. What could a few horsemen and a hundred or so spaniards do to the powerful inca? Virtually nothing! But atahualpa's spies don't realize that the Spanish are armed with some of the best weapons in the world. At the time of the conquistadors, Spain had the biggest army in Europe, orchestrated from the imperial capital... Toledo. For more than 700 years the spaniards had been at war, fighting against the moors and other European armies. There was an arms race in Europe. To survive, the spaniards needed to keep up with the latest in weapons technology. By the 1530s, the harquebus was an important part of the Spanish arsenal. Gunpowder had originally come from China, but its use as a weapon was pioneered by the arabs. In European hands, guns became lighter and more portable... And were used for the first time by foot soldiers on the battlefield. The harquebus was still a crude weapon, but would go on to change the face of warfare. To us moderns, this gun doesn't seem useful for anything, it's like a joke... Its aim is terrible, it takes a long time to reload, and while the shooter's reloading, a swordsman would come in and kill him. But the incas hadn't even gotten this far, and even this gun, with its sound and with the smell and with the smoke and with every now and then a person that it manages to kill, would have been terrifying to someone who had never seen this before. This would have been shock and awe, 1532 style. Aah! Whuh! whuh! For all its bluster, the technology of gunpowder was still in its infancy. The real power of the conquistadors lay elsewhere... With the production of steel. Toledo had some of the best swordsmiths in the world- but why were people here able to craft deadly steel weapons, while the incas were still making simple bronze tools? There was nothing innately brilliant about Europeans themselves that allowed them to be the ones to make high-quality swords. Just as with guns, swords were the result of a long process of trial and error that began outside Europe. People started working with metal in the fertile Crescent 7,000 years ago. And because Europe was geographically close to the fertile Crescent, Europeans inherited this metal technology. But they took this technology on to a new level. European soldiers demanded stronger, longer, sharper swords. This is what a Toledo sword looks like when it's finished. This particular one is modeled on the sword that pizarro carried. It's a fearsome weapon. It's used for stabbing, and it's also used for slashing, and I can easily understand how the person wielding this sword could kill dozens of people within a short time. Loades: swords like this, rapiers, represented a high point in a very sophisticated metalworking technology. If you think about what the qualities are that are needed in a sword- first of all it has to be hard enough, the metal has to be hard enough to take a sharp edge. And that requires steel- that is, iron infused with carbon, and the more carbon you put into the iron, then the harder the metal is. But if you make it too hard, then it's brittle, and that's no good, because as you hit somebody, your sword would break. And so you also need your sword to have a certain pliability, an ability to bend and spring back into shape. And it's got by heating it to certain temperatures, plunging it into cold water, immense amount of experimentation. It took centuries to get to the level of sophistication where you could get something so long and elegant and fine and deadly as the rapier. The rapier, with its extra long blade, was developed as a dueling weapon, but became so fashionable in renaissance Europe it was the sword of choice for any aspiring gentleman. Loades: the word rapier derives from the Spanish term espara ropere. And that means, "dress sword." and for the first time in Spain, we start to see people wearing the sword with their everyday clothing, their civilian dress, going about their everyday business... They didn't do that in the middle ages. This is something new in the 16th century. And it's saying, "I have arrived, I am a gentleman, I am upwardly mobile, and I claim ancestry from the knights of the middle ages." it was very much a symbol of the conquistadors' aspiring greed. The thing that drove them through all their hardships, the thing that made them go to the americas, was their lust for gold, their lust for self-advancement, and the rapier absolutely symbolized that overbearing avarice. On November 15, 1532, pizarro's band of adventurers enters the valley of cajamarca. They've been told that atahualpa is waiting for them here, but they're not prepared for the sight that greets them. In the hills beyond the town of cajamarca is the imperial inca army- 80,000 men in full battle order. The conquistadors' own journals bear witness to their first impressions. Conquistador: "their camp looked like a very beautiful city. We'd seen nothing like it in the indies until then... And it scared us, because we were so few and so deep in this land." pizarro sends a party of his best horsemen into the heart of the inca camp. They are led by captain de soto. They are gambling that atahualpa will allow them to pass through the camp unharmed and agree to meet them. Trelles: soto's visit had a very important psychological purpose... To intimidate the inca in front of his people, challenging him with the horse. Atahualpa at first didn't react to soto's presence, as if nobody had entered the room. Once the horse comes eye to eye with the inca, the inca is still calm, showing that the horse has no impact on him, calling soto's bluff. Conquistador: "the captain advanced so close that the horse's nostrils disturbed the fringe on the inca's forehead. But the inca never moved." and then, after a brief silence, comes atahualpa's explosion. He was telling them, "the time has come for you to pay." I understand this as, "the time has come for you to pay with your lives." Soto, I understand, was nervous enough to come back with fear to the camp, and as we know, the spaniards spent the night before in extreme fear. The conquistadors have made their camp in the town of cajamarca. Many of them are now convinced they are facing oblivion. 168 soldiers, a thousand miles from any other spaniard, facing an army of 80,000 incas. Conquistador: "few of us slept that night. We kept watch in the square, from where we could see the campfires of the Indian army. It was a fearful sight... Like a brilliantly star-studded night." pizarro and his most trusted officers debate their options for how to deal with atahualpa. Some advise caution, but pizarro insists their best chance is to launch a surprise attack the next day- it's a tactic that's worked successfully in the past. 12 years before pizarro went to Peru, another famous conquistador, hernan cortes, had gone to Mexico and encountered another formidable civilization - the aztecs. He conquered the country by kidnapping the aztec leader and exploiting the ensuing chaos. Cortes' story was later published and became a best seller- a handbook for any would-be conquistador. It can still be found in the great library of salamanca university in northern Spain. Diamond: this wonderful library here can be thought of, among other things, as a repository of dirty tricks, because in these books are the accounts of what generals had been doing to other generals for thousands of years in the past and across much of eurasia. And here from this library we have a famous account of the conquest of Mexico with all the details of what cortes did to the aztecs and what worked. That was a model for pizarro to give him ideas what exactly to try out on the incas. Whereas the incas, without writing, had only local knowledge transmitted by oral memory, and they were unsophisticated and naive compared to the spaniards, because of writing. But if books were so useful, why couldn't the incas read or write? To develop a new system of writing independently is an extremely complex process and has happened very rarely in human history. It was first achieved by the sumerian people of the fertile Crescent at least 5,000 years ago. They pioneered an elaborate system of symbols called cuneiform, possibly as a way of recording farming transactions. Ever since, almost every other written language of Europe and Asia has copied, adapted, or simply been inspired by the basics of cuneiform. The spread of writing was helped enormously by the invention of paper, ink and moveable type... innovations that all came from outside Europe, but were seized upon by Europeans in the middle ages to produce the ultimate transmitter of knowledge... the printing press. The written word could now spread quickly and accurately across Europe and Asia. The modern world would be impossible without the development of writing. But there's another part of the world where a new system of writing was invented independently. In Southern Mexico, at least two and half thousand years ago, native people developed a way of working with symbols that evolved into the Mayan script. But if the Maya had writing, why didn't it spread south to the andes and help the incas become literate? For diamond, the answer lies in the shape of the continents. Here are Europe and Asia forming the continent of eurasia, a giant continent. But it's stretched out from east to west and narrow from north to south. The American continent is long from north to south, narrow from east to west, very narrow at Panama where it narrows down to less than 100 miles. The two continents are of the same lengths. They're about 8,000 miles in maximum dimensions. But eurasia is 8,000 miles from east to west, and the americas are 8,000 miles from north to south. It's as if these continents were rotated 90 degrees of each other. Diamond has already shown that crops and animals could spread easily east and west across eurasia, because places at the same latitude automatically share the same day length and a similar climate and vegetation. But the American continents were the opposite of eurasia. A journey from one end of the americas to the other is a journey from north to south- a journey through different day lengths, different climate zones and dramatically different vegetation. These basic differences hindered the spread of crops and animals, as well as people, ideas and technologies. The people of the andes were chronically isolated, without access to writing or almost any other innovation from elsewhere in the americas. By contrast, pizarro and his men were geographically blessed. As spaniards they enjoyed the benefit of technologies and ideas that had spread easily across eurasia. The events of 1532 were clearly influenced by deep causes... Over which no individual spaniard or inca had any control. The shape of the continents, the distribution of plants and animals, the spread of eurasian technology... These were facts of geography- and at almost every turn of the drama geography was tilted in favor of Europeans. It's the morning of November 16, 1532. Atahualpa has agreed to meet the spaniards in the town of cajamarca- and sends his entourage ahead of him. But he makes a fateful decision... That his soldiers should not carry weapons. Trelles: the Indians were musicians and dancers. They were soldiers, but unarmed. Why would atahualpa unarm his own soldiers? Why? Because he was in a festivity, he was celebrating, he wasn't going to war, he was going for a celebration so that the whole people could see how the alleged gods would run away in fear. The fact that some people believed that the spaniards were gods would play better in the hands of atahualpa's purpose. If I know they are not gods, and I defeat the gods, then of course everybody will be with me. But what if I defeat the gods with no show of force at all? Then I am beyond the gods! While atahualpa and his men enter cajamarca, the spaniards are waiting, hidden from view. Conquistador: "there were 5 or 6,000 men and behind them the figure of atahualpa seated on a very fine litter lined with feathers and embellished with gold and silver. Many of us pissed ourselves out of sheer terror." trelles: the square is filled with atahualpa's people, but there's not one spaniard in sight. Atahualpa asks, "where are these dogs?" one of his right hands answers, "they have run away because they are afraid of the magnificent inca!" of course, the whole crowd listened to this, and believed that this was the case. Pizarro sends out his priest to confront atahualpa. The conquistadors are obliged to try and convert native people before any resort to violence. Atahualpa has never seen a book before. He doesn't know what to do with it. Trelles: at that moment, with the crowd absolutely unprepared, the horses come, there was massive panic. Loades: just imagine the scene in cajamarca... The incas hadn't seen horses before, and these aren't ordinary horses, these are Spanish horses, fierce, big, fighting horses. They could get in amongst men, they would trample men, and they made the most excellent platform. From the horse you could stab down to the left, stab down to the right, you could cut, you could scythe, hacking all about you. If only the incas had known that what you had to do against cavalry was stand firm, then they'd have been all right, they had superior numbers. But they didn't know that, they fled, they broke ranks, and then the horsemen could get in amongst them, and they cut them down. There was an inca god called viracocha, and he was a white man, and he was the god of thunder, and they thought these men with their harquebuses were the very incarnation of viracocha. Trelles: the inca of course was in his litter, helped by his carriers. As soon as they were able to do it, the spaniards went after the litter, and they started killing the carriers. One carrier would fall, and another one would replace him. Only at the very, very, very end of the tragedy, the litter started to move because there were no more carriers left. As the litter falls, pizarro himself captures atahualpa. His plan has worked to perfection. Atahualpa is taken to a makeshift prison in the royal quarters at cajamarca. Conquistador: "he thought we were going to kill him. But we told him no... Christians only kill in the heat of the battle." outside thousands of incas are dead. The rest of the army has retreated to the hills. In spite of a massive imbalance in numbers, Spanish horses, swords and strategy have proved decisive. But the spaniards possessed another weapon they didn't even know they had... A weapon of mass destruction that had marched invisibly ahead of them. Today the war against infectious disease is waged at biological research centers like porton down in Southern england. They produce vaccines here against the world's deadliest viruses. In the 16th century there were no vaccines... And there was no protection from the rampant spread of infectious disease. 12 years before pizarro arrived at cajamarca, a Spanish ship sailed to Mexico. On board, one of the slaves was suffering from the first signs of a fever. He was the first person to bring a deadly disease to the American mainland. The disease was smallpox. Within weeks, the smallpox virus would spread from a single source to infect thousands of native Americans. Brooks: smallpox gets into the body when you breathe in the particles. And they attach themselves to the back of your throat and the inside of your lungs. About two to three days into the illness, then the classic rash appears. And in its worse forms, this takes over the whole of the body with initially pimples and then enormous blisters, until the whole of the skin, starting with the hands and the face and then spreading down to cover the rest of the body, is taken over by the smallpox blisters. From that time on the patient is highly infectious, because each of those blisters is packed full of smallpox particles. Then if you burst a blister, the fluid will come out, and large numbers of viruses will be spilled onto whatever it touches. 10 to 12 days later, his friends would begin to be taken ill, and then 10 to 12 days after that, their friends. That kind of rate means the disease spreads exponentially. Its rate of increase gets bigger and bigger and bigger the more people are infected, until eventually it will cause tremendous devastation in the population. The first smallpox epidemic of the new world swept through central America and reached the inca empire. Wherever it went, the virus decimated native populations, making them easier prey for Spanish conquest. But why were the germs so one-sided? Why did the spaniards pass their diseases on to the incas, and not the other way around? This is pizarro's secret weapon... Pigs and cows, sheep and goats, domestic animals. Remember that pizarro was a swineherd. He grew up in huts like this, in intimate contact with domestic animals, breathing in their germs, drinking the germs in their milk. And it was from the germs of domestic animals that the killer diseases of humans evolved. For example, our flu evolved from a disease of pigs transmitted by chickens and ducks. We acquired measles from cattle, we acquired smallpox from domestic animals, so that these worst killers of human people were a legacy of 10,000 years of contact with our beloved domestic animals. During the middle ages, infectious diseases swept through Europe and claimed millions of lives. But paradoxically, repeated epidemics made Europeans more resilient. In each outbreak there were always some people who were genetically better able to fight off the virus. These people were more likely to survive and have children. In the process, they'd pass on their genetic resistance. Over centuries, whole populations acquired some degree of protection against the spread of diseases like smallpox- a protection the incas never had. Brooks: once smallpox was taken to the new world, nobody knew or had ever seen a disease like this before, so the number of people who were susceptible was much greater. There was no natural immunity, and so therefore the number of people who could both contract the disease and then spread it and the number of people to receive it once it had been spread was much higher. More people would die, and more people would be susceptible to catch it in the first place. It would spread rapidly throughout the population, and the death toll would be enormous. Diamond: why hadn't native Americans encountered smallpox before? And why didn't they have any deadly diseases of their own to pass on to the spaniards? It's simply because they didn't have the same history of contact with farm animals. The incas had llamas, but llamas aren't like European cows and sheep. They're not milked, they're not kept in large herds and they don't live in barns and huts alongside humans. There was no significant exchange of germs between llamas and people. The key to diamond's argument is the distribution of farm animals around the world. Aside from the llama, all the large farm animals were native to eurasia and north Africa. None was ever domesticated in north America, sub-saharan Africa, or Australia. As a result, the worst epidemic diseases were also native to eurasia and north Africa and were then spread around the world with deadly effect. There's been a long debate about the number of indigenous people who died in the Spanish conquest of the new world. Some scholars think there may have been a population of 20 million native Americans- and the vast majority, perhaps 95%, were killed by old-world diseases. A continent virtually emptied of its people. After the initial shock of his capture, atahualpa became a cooperative prisoner. He learned to speak Spanish and play chess with his captors. The spaniards realized he was more useful to them alive than dead. He was allowed to re-establish his court in prison, as long as he ordered his people to accept Spanish rule. He also ordered them to melt down a vast amount of treasure... Pizarro had promised atahualpa his freedom in return for the gold. It proved to be an empty promise. Having handed over 20 tons of gold and silver, atahualpa was no longer useful to his captors. He was garroted to death... In the same square where so many of his followers had been slaughtered eight months earlier. With atahualpa dead, the conquistadors went on to colonize the rest of Peru... relying on the power of their guns, germs and steel. Gold from the Spanish colonies was brought back to Seville in Southern Spain. There's little activity on the guadalquivir river today, but in the 16th century this was among the most important, busiest ports in the world. A steady flow of ships carrying treasure from the americas helped Spain become one of the richest nations on earth. The conquistadors had changed forever the relationship between old world and new. I came to Spain to answer a question... Why did pizarro and his men conquer the incas instead of other way around? There's a whole mythology that that conquest and the European expansion in general resulted from Europeans themselves being especially brave or bold or inventive or smart. But the answers turn out to have nothing to do with any personal qualities of Europeans. Yeah, pizarro and his men were brave, but there were plenty of brave incas. Instead Europeans were accidental conquerors... By virtue of their geographic location and history, they were the first people to acquire guns, germs and steel. By the end of the 19th century, European powers had ventured beyond the americas and colonized Africa, Australia and much of Asia. The process that began at cajamarca had reached its logical conclusion. European guns, germs and steel were re-shaping the world. MENTO: Inside these walls is the most sinister weapon the Brotherhood of Evil has ever created. [EXPLOSION] It must be destroyed. MENTO: Doom Patrol, move out. [GRUNTING] [RUMBLING] Out of my way. This one's mine. [GRUNTING] [EXPLOSIONS] MENTO: This is it. The quantum generator. NEGATIVE MAN: You mean that hunk of junk makes black holes? I don't intend to find out. [BLAST] [BEEPING] - Beast Boy? - Sir, yes, sir. Just like we practiced. Peregrine falcon, now! [GROWLS] [GRUNTING] Tell your pet monkey to let the kid go, Brain. You are hardly in a position to demand anything, Robot Man. In just a few moments my quantum generator will be fully operational and the Doom Patrol will be its first victim. Monsieur Mallah, crush him. Beast Boy, change! [GRUNTING] [BARKING] [SCREECHING] [GIBBERING] Steve, he needs help. He'll have to fend for himself, Rita. All of you, take out that generator. Go! [ALL SCREAMING] Monsieur Mallah if you please. [GROANS] BRAIN: You've been a most agreeable adversary, Mento. Farewell. [ALL GRUNTING] Beast Boy, it's creating a black hole. Destroy that machine. It's... It's too big. I can't. You must. Do it now! [CRACKLING] [ALL GRUNTING] Think big. Think big. Think big. [ROARING] [ALL GRUNT] [GRUNTS, GROANS] Negative Man, go. Yeah, I'm on it. [MACHINE LOSING POWER] It's over, Brain. You may have destroyed the machine but you will never stop the mind. [GRUNTS] NEGATIVE MAN: Way to go, kid. Mento, I did it. I got bigger. The only thing you did is disobey a direct order. I told you to destroy the generator, not save us. Oh, give the kid a break. Steve, please. Rita, the boy won't listen. Beast Boy, you'll never be a part of this team unless you can learn to follow orders. Do I make myself clear? Yes, sir, I understand. BEAST BOY: Beast Boy's All-Star Prop Comedy Revue. I know what you're thinking. There's nothing more annoying than when you can't play your tuba in the tub. [SNORING] RAVEN: More annoying than this? Shh! Please, continue. Well, that won't be a problem if you have a tuborkel. Get it? It's part tuba, part snorkel: Tuborkel. Huh? Well? [INHALES DEEPLY] [PLAYING BOUNCY TUNE] COMPUTER [OVER P.A.]: Intruder alert. Intruder alert. All right. We're under attack. So why isn't it attacking? Because it's for me. [BEEPING] Beast Boy if this locator pod has found you, then you know what it means. The Doom Patrol's in trouble. MENTO: Our last location was in the Amazon jungle. You should begin your search there. Beast Boy, you know what must be done. I'm counting on you. - What could have happened to them? - It's the Brotherhood of Evil. After we stopped their black-hole machine years ago they went underground. Mento must have finally found them. [BEEPING] Hey, guys, I'm picking something up. [ALL GASP] - Beast Boy, is this...? - The Doom Patrol's ship. Or what's left of it. [BEEPING] CYBORG: Well, nobody's home. - Then we start looking. - They could be anywhere. Then we'll look everywhere. This Patrol of Doom, why do you never speak of them? Seriously. The Doom Patrol are legends. You gotta have some good stories. BEAST BOY: It was something I did once. I'm a Titan now. You're moving too slow. He's acting strange, even for Beast Boy. I think he's just worried. The Doom Patrol raised him, they're like his family. BEAST BOY: No! Robot Man, come on, wake up. It's me, Beast Boy. Cyborg, you have to fix him. I'll do everything I can. CYBORG: I'm picking up brain waves. He's alive in there, somewhere. Brain waves? CYBORG: The only part of him that's actually alive. The rest is just machine. In a lot of ways, he's a prototype of me. Cross your fingers. [POWERING UP] Mento! I'm on my way! Robot Man, stop! [BIRDS CRYING] [BEEPS] [WEAPON FIRING] [EXPLOSIONS] [GRUNTS] [CAMERA WHINING] [GROWLS] Mento. Elastigirl. Cliff, what's going on? An ambush. Came out of nowhere. Negative Man! - They can't have gotten far. CYBORG: Robot Man I had to reset your internal chronometer when I repaired you. - You've been offline. - How long? I said how long? Five months. ROBOT MAN: Five months? [GRUNTS] I was shut down for five months? Why'd they have to build me with an off switch? Don't be so hard on yourself. By the looks of things, you really took a pounding. We should have been able to handle it. We always do. This is your new group? It's just a bunch a kids. Nice to see you too, Cliff. Sorry, squirt. They got us good, kid. We thought we had them. It's not too late, Cliff. We can still find them. You better believe we will. I'm gonna squash that Brain if it's the last thing I do. I think he was talking about finding the Doom Patrol. [STAMMERS] Right. [BIRDS CRYING] Take cover. We don't know what we're up against. You might wanna tell that to him. RAVEN: You sure he has a brain in there? [RUMBLING IN DISTANCE] Titans, go! You heard him. Go! [YELLING] [GRUNTING] [ROARS] Not bad, kid. Just wait till you see my... Oh! [GRUNTS] [GRUNTING] [GRUNTING] Aah! How do you stop this thing? [EXPLOSIONS] That was most daring. I was gonna say unnecessary. Robot Man, I know you want to stop The Brain but we're never going to find him unless we work together. Attacking everything that moves isn't going to help. If he builds it, I'm gonna break it. That's the way we do things in the Doom Patrol. Well, in case you haven't noticed, this isn't the Doom Patrol. [GRUMBLES] Cliff, this is the way it has to be. At least until we find Mento. This isn't kids' stuff, Beast Boy. You think you can handle it? You have no idea what we can handle. The Brain built these things to scavenge raw materials. He's got the jungle crawling with them. So if we follow one, it might lead us to The Brain. Well, aren't you the clever one. I'd say we've found it. RAVEN: Any idea what "it" is? [BEEPING] BRAIN: It seems our work here is done. I'm so glad you could witness my moment of triumph, Mento. Triumph over what? All I've seen you do is chew up jungle. I've forgotten. Your current circumstance prevents you from reading my mind. Then allow me to give you a taste. What you once destroyed has been rebuilt. Even if that's true, you'll never get away with it. You seem to forget, Mento I am the one who has you. [GRUNTING] Leave him alone. [GRUNTING] NEGATIVE MAN: I've been separated too long. I need to get back to my body. [GROANS] [BEEPING] From here we split up. Cyborg, you'll take the front. Starfire and Raven, take out those guard towers. Beast Boy, you've got to get the security door open. [RUMBLING] And what about these guys? - Now can I beat them up? - Titans, go! MENTO: Congratulations. You built a battery. BRAIN: You mock what you couldn't possibly understand. Everything is now in place. My only desire is an admission of defeat. Not gonna happen. Then your suffering will only be prolonged. We'll start with the girl. [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] [GASPS] [GROANING] Steve, it's crushing me. - No! BRAIN: Concede. Admit that I have won. ROBOT MAN: Won what? Sure ain't a beauty contest. BRAIN: Your tin soldier seems to be fixed, Mento. You can thank us for that. Oh, look, the little green one. How nice. A family reunion. [GROWLS] [WEAPONS FIRING] [GRUNTING] [GRUNTING] [GROWLING] [BOTH GRUNTING] [ROARING] [GRUNTING] [WEAPONS FIRING] Good shot, whoever you are. "Whoever you are?" Hey, I've saved the earth several times. [GRUNTING] [SIGHING] Could you have at least thawed me out first? [WEAPON FIRING] [GRUNTING] [WEAPON FIRING] No. [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] [GROANING] [GROANS] Oh. Mento, I'm here. I got your message. Beast Boy, look out. [WEAPON FIRING] [GRUNTS] All of you, take them down. [YELLS] [BOTH GRUNTING] [EXPLOSION] BRAIN: Fools rush in, don't they Monsieur Mallah? [ALL GRUNTING] [GROANS] NEGATIVE MAN: Oh, great. [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] BRAIN: And a thermogenic chain reaction? Well done, Mento. I couldn't have found a better end for you myself. [GROANS] Beast Boy, stop them. So now I exist. This place is coming down. You gotta get us out. Please, you must hurry. Never mind us, get that power core. [RUMBLING] Difficult choice, is it not? Beast Boy, don't make the same mistake twice. Do what I say! ROBIN: You did it Beast Boy. - And just in the nick of time. We are most thankful. I got everyone out safe. But you let The Brain get away. How could you be so foolish? Mento... He saved our lives. Doesn't that mean anything to you? No. He's only delayed our destruction. You'll keep looking for them just like you always did sir. You don't understand. I read The Brain's mind, Beast Boy. He has a new quantum generator and it works. The most devastating power in the cosmos is now in the hands of a madman because you couldn't follow orders. We've got a planet to save. Doom Patrol, move out! [ENGLISH SDH] (Thunder) She's dead. (He shouts) Holz! Echeverria! (Knocking / distant voices) Adolfo's... by the door. Darling, I promise. Come. Darling, how was I? - Sublime. - Really? Oh, kiss me! (Sighs) Guess who, madame? (Sighs) Lilies. It has to be him again. "'Divine one. Ever more tightly around our two souls draws the thread between your voice and my ear."' "'Yours eternally, Emmanuel Droz."' - You know what to do. - Yes. The same as all the others. He could at least change his florist. Oh, darling, why worry about it? I don't even know who the man is. Quick! - Inside or outside? - Oh! Oh, inside! (Sighs) Take me! (Gasps) Quick! (Clock chimes) Ritorno subito. Ti juro. Guardami. (Cicadas chirrup) (Audience murmurs) (Orchestra tunes up) 'Malvina.' 'Nightingale.' 'You will sing forever in my cage.' (Applause) (Applause) (Plucking) (Orchestra strikes up) (She sings in Italian) (She gasps) (Glass rattles) Don't move! (Hubbub) Halt! (Man shouts) She's dead. Holz! Echeverria! She will never sing... to your music again. (Gull screeches) (Birdsong) (Bird calls) (Water laps) 'Malvina.' 'My beautiful Lazarus.' 'I've come to lift the stone.' 'To raise your voice.' (Cicadas chirrup) (Birdsong) (Door opens) Malvina... everything's ready. All that remains to be addressed is the tuning. (Train whistle) 'I'd received a letter. It was signed "Doctor Emmanuel Droz".' "'Dear Mr Fernandez, I wish to obtain your services most urgently."' "'I assure you that the work will be professionally stimulating and worthy of your skills."' 'He promised me that one of his men would meet me at the station.' (Cicadas chirrup) 'As I looked around me, it felt as though I'd been here before.' 'But when and how I cannot say.' (Man shouts) (Crow caws) (Man speaks in foreign tongue) (Shouts in foreign tongue) (Speaks in foreign tongue) (Shouts) (Speaks) (Shouts) (Shouts) - (Speaks) - (Shouts) (Shouts) (Man speaks gibberish) (Gull screeches) (Birdsong) Emmanuel... the piano tuner is here. So, how many pianos does Doctor Droz have? Pianos? There are no pianos here. But I'm sure the Doctor will give you his instructions himself tomorrow. These are your quarters. (Birdsong) Look. Here we are. There you are... and here I am. And over there... are the gardeners. And here now is the Doctor... approaching to welcome you to Villa Azucena. Don Felisberto Fernandez the Piano Tuner of Earthquakes. It's unlocked. (Whistles) 'So, no pianos to tune.' 'Has the Doctor brought me here under false pretences? ' 'And that fresco.' 'Was it me stepping into a painting already painted? ' (Speaks in a foreign tongue) (Cicadas chirrup) (Rhythmic tapping) (Tapping stops) (Distant murmuring) (Man grunts) (Howling) - (Man grunts) - (All grunt) - (Man grunts) - (All grunt) (Distorted singing in the distance) (Cicadas chirrup) 'The next morning, Assumpta the housekeeper escorted me to meet Doctor Droz.' Mr Fernandez, do you believe in dreams? Yes, I do. And? Someone once told me that certain signs in dreams could no more explain a dream than the postman's knock could explain what's... what's in a letter. Oh. I suppose that would certainly depend on how hard the postman knocked. And for how long. (Laughs) I had a dream last night, Mr Fernandez, and it was of you. I dreamt dogs were chasing me through the estate. We ran and ran down rows of trees. The more I ran, the more excited the dogs became. Their noses were at my heels. And suddenly I stopped. But the dogs all ran past and nothing happened. I... I was... totally devastated. Then I looked behind me... and you were standing there... Asleep... with a handkerchief in your mouth. And you were trying to shout something, but only saliva dribbled out. What I'd like to know is, why did you have a handkerchief in your mouth? (Bird screeches) Oh, well. (laughs) Why would anyone sleep with a handkerchief in their mouth anyway? Look, here we are. And here's Doctor Droz. The piano tuner. And here the last of the replies to your invitation. They have all accepted. - Oh, excellent. Excellent. - (Man) Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Echeverria's gone missing. L-L-Later, Holz, er... later. (Clicks fingers) Fernandez Felisberto at... 'The Doctor then led me to the first automaton.' Feel that. Water. All my automata function by hydraulics. Then, you're not blind? No, I'm not blind. But, I assure you, Doctor, my touch, my ear, are no less sensitive for my being sighted. And, as I understand it now, you didn't bring me here for your pianos, anyway. (Laughs) Mr Felisberto, since there are no pianos to tune, I've given you automata instead. In these machines Mr Felisberto is contained the Dream. That of music. The most rational irrationality of all. Of which I, Droz... am the heart. Sheer artifice, Mr Felisberto. And all this... dependent upon nature. 'The Doctor told me that there are seven automata in total.' 'And that there was very little time left... ' Before the final performance. - Final performance? - Unique. Timed for a very special hour. And... with very special guests. I'm sure you will understand the urgency of my request. 'So I was to work on automata, not pianos.' 'I accepted the challenge.' Mr Felisberto, bear in mind... 'He explained to me that they were not toys, but delicate and precious instruments.' 'And that I was to pay special attention to their musical and sound qualities.' Please. 'He then presented me with a set of special tools.' I bid you good day. (Cicadas chirrup) (Gull screeches) (Whistles) (Droz) Echeverria! (Droz) I'll find you! (Droz) Echeverria! (Cicadas chirrup) Adolfo. Is that you? (Gull screeches) (Man shouts) (Cicadas chirrup) Lost, piano tuner? Smell the gums of conifers. Shut your eyes... and listen. Which is the true forest, Mr Fernandez? This one? Or that one? The last one. (Sighs) How flattering, Mr Fernandez. Yes. I... "The forest inside the forest." I was certain you'd lose your way. Not while my senses are being so well explored. Who is Doctor Droz? - Who is Doctor Droz? - Yes. He's a forest no one can inhabit. Oh, that's, er... that's not what you meant, is it? Doctor Droz is what they call an alienist... a healer of broken minds. And as the Doctor himself puts it, a man of science whose great passion is music. But that's the official version. And the unofficial? I'm his living writing paper. And this place? It's an asylum. Or rather a sanctuary, for those who have undergone the most fatal of traumas. Those people you saw earlier, we call them the gardeners. But they are patients here, who, thanks to Doctor Droz, have been given back to themselves. Oh, don't look so serious, Mr Fernandez. After a while, you get used to the confusion. 'On my way back from the first automaton, I spied through the trees, high up on the hillside, what appeared to be the ruins of a baroque grotto.' Am I disturbing you, Mr Felisberto? It's real, isn't it? Do you think it was planned? No. 1755. It was the earthquake in Lisbon. (Droz) And the tremors were felt as far as Salamanca. How would you know such a thing, Mr Felisberto? It's my only gift. I can hear anything between a sneeze and infinity. No doubt you come from a long line of piano tuners. For three centuries, we Fernandezes have never had children. Then... how were you born? Ah, Doctor... that's the secret of our sainted mothers. 'It seemed the Doctor and I had reached an understanding.' So we have destiny to thank for permitting us to be what we will become to each other. (Man shouts in a foreign tongue) (Shouting continues) (Cicadas chirrup) (Man shouts in a foreign tongue) 'End of my first day at the Villa Azucena.' 'To my surprise, I have entirely retuned the first automaton.' 'The Doctor was right when he admitted that he failed to predict the effects of the sea air upon his machines.' 'And then, I was close to fainting from repeatedly holding my breath while I scraped an almost microscopic mould off the most intricate flywheel imaginable.' 'The Doctor's constructs are almost frightening in their subtlety.' 'The machine revealed a little row of singing teeth that miraculously still retain their pitch.' 'Lt's true, they are not pianos, but I'm certainly enjoying the privilege of working on these mechanical marvels.' 'He said not to call them toys, but I still cannot quite see their purpose.' And was that singing I heard last night? (Speaks Spanish) (Speaks Spanish) (Speaks Spanish) (Earring tinkles) You play the black keys and I'll sing the white. (She stomps) (She speaks Spanish) (Stomps / speaks Spanish) - (Droz) I think of you... - (she speaks Spanish) ...as a powerful tree, shivering in a stormy sky. Very hard from the roots upwards, which are plunged into the quivering matter of life itself. (Stomps / speaks Spanish) It rises, as if drawn by the gulf of the heights. (Speaks Spanish) And shudders, as the wind stirs the leaves along its backbone as my fingernails mount the tender furrows of your back... (whispers in Spanish) ...from the dampness of your thighs... (she moans) ...to the nape... of your neck. (She sighs) (She sighs) (Distorted singing in the distance) 'The next morning, as I was working on the second automaton, I'm thinking that I was a little out of my depth.' (Tapping) (Sighs) Here is the ormolu magnet you asked for. The Doctor told me to tell you that under no account were you to let the echoes slip behind the vibrating plates. And that you should remove your thumb first. And that you'd know what he meant by that. (Sighs) Was that singing I heard last night? Maybe it was your teeth, Mr Fernandez. Or maybe I was dreaming. (Sighs) Well... it was certainly beautiful. (Fork vibrates) (Rumbling) (Banging) (Banging) (Banging) (Banging intensifies) Malvina! (Cicadas chirrup) (He sighs) (Footsteps) (Woman sings in the distance) (Woman sings operatically) (Cracking) (Footsteps) Malvina. Malvina! There is a voice. I saw her last night. - Who is she? - Oh, you mean the Emperor's Canary. Madame van Stille. The singer. - Do you know her? - No. Hmm. Well... (sighs) The Doctor says she has had a severe trauma and needs complete calm and seclusion. For my part, all I know is that the Doctor is helping her to readapt to the stage. Forgive me, but how do you believe he goes about such a thing? - The Doctor's method for her? - Hmm. This I don't know. But he does have an expert knowledge of the electricity in women. - And, er... does this include you? - (Fork vibrates) For me, the Doctor's passions are like the rays of the sun when they are caught in a magnifying glass and they immediately set fire to whatever object they find in their way. And you? Did you catch fire? Oh, yes. But then the fire eventually burns itself out and... and you just learn how to smoulder. So, erm, no need for the fire brigade, huh, Mr Fernandez? Enough. I should leave you... with the Doctor's toys. Doctor...! (Cicadas chirrup) 'I went looking for the Doctor and found his mysterious patient instead.' Madame. Madame? Madame? Adolfo? (Softly) I'm sorry. Madame, I didn't mean to disturb you. It's me, Felisberto, the piano tuner. It's beautiful here. I wanted to tell you about myself. I come from over there. I must leave now. (Softly) Goodbye. (Cicadas chirrup) Doctor. Good morning. This part. (Laughs) No rats get in, only... rust. Have you ever heard of Megaloponera foetens, Mr Felisberto? It's an ant that lives in the Cameroonian rainforests. A forager of the forest floor, which from time to time becomes infected through inhaling the microscopic spore of a fungus that rains down from the trees above and lodges in its tiny brain... where it starts to grow. Troubled and disoriented, this ant is driven to leave the forest floor and starts to climb up the stems of ferns and creepers till it reaches some seemingly pre-determined height. At which point, it clamps its mandibles onto the plant and waits there until it dies. As for the fungus, it lives on, eating the dead creature's brain and infiltrating its entire nervous system. Until at length, some few weeks later, it excretes a sort of spike through the remains of the insect's head. And this rampant prong teems with spores, which, in their turn, shed themselves onto the ground below, raining down for the next unsuspecting floor-foraging ant. (Sighs) (Whistles) (Cicadas chirrup) (Knocking) 'Three days have passed already.' 'Nothing is as it seems.' 'The Doctor's insect story that woman on the bench, Malvina, calling out for someone who isn't there, yet singing so beautifully.' 'And the strange dreams that come to me in the night.' 'Perhaps even these automata are not what they pretend to be.' (Whistles) (Bird calls) Loitering with intent, piano tuner? I wouldn't be if I had a shoelace. You don't waste any time getting under people's feet, do you? Often, when I lace up my shoes, I notice only afterwards that my tongue, which I'd assumed was inside, is still hanging outside. But then, you probably weren't paying attention. So, where do you think my tongue is now? (Assumpta) Who loves me, follows me. (Chuckles softly) You're not being distracted, are you, Mr Felisberto? No. No, no. On the contrary... I'm totally absorbed. It feels like I'm living in someone else's imagination. Has she shown you her tongue yet? (Laughs) She is incorrigible, isn't she, Mr Felisberto? (laughs) So, I needn't ask if we are on schedule? You needn't, Doctor. I thought as much. Doctor Droz, are you preparing another automaton? In a manner of speaking, yes. Is it an opera? (Laughs) Let's just say it's my own small contribution to the operatic canon. Then that would explain the voice I've heard at night. It is very special, I believe, to you. There's no country, no city, no theatre, no recital, I have not been to for that voice. And now it's here. There is where I hear it from. What a beautiful soul it must take to produce a voice like that. Soul, Mr Felisberto? (Distant shouting) (Sighs) There's a big word. Ah. How you compliment me. - My every instinct. - (Distant shouting) The fourth machine is awaiting you. There's not much time. (Distant shouting) (Shouting) (Shouts) (Cicadas chirrup) (Crow caws) (Cicadas chirrup) (Thunder) (She gasps) - (Cicadas chirrup) - (She sighs) Here. It's me, Felisberto, the piano tuner. Be quiet so I can hear. (Cicadas chirrup) (Softly) Adolfo. (Sighs) All these lights, these people, the guests. Tomorrow we marry. Everyone can hear it in my voice. The Doctor, he... I'm sure the Doctor has your best interests at heart. They say it's bad luck to look at each other on the eve of your wedding. (Felisberto) But that's just superstition. (Malvina) No, his eyes... The Doctor... His eyes following me, burning me. (Gasps) I was singing and then... and then I turned towards you. Towards me? And the walls slid away. And then? I'm neither in this world nor the next. Tell me... who I am. Tell me if I'm me. (Waves lap) The singer. I saw the piano tuner with the singer this afternoon, on the bench. She called him Adolfo. And did he answer? Oh, he seemed to love it, being called Adolfo. Adolfo! Do you think Adolfo's his middle name? Don Felisberto Adolfo Fernandez. Adolfo Carino. (gasps) No? - I wonder if he can sing. - I think not. Then he could whistle. What might he whistle then? Emmanuel, he could whistle a tango. With all that facial excreta and ecstatic nose bleeds! I think not. But, er, maybe there's a role for you, Assumpta. Oh. I already have one. I've always had one Emmanuel. Of course. The illustrious whore. Whose garments are wiped clean by the epileptic's saliva. Oh, but we did, already, that one, Emmanuel. Last year. You're forgetting. Maybe your hammer is, erm, needing... fresh leather? (Distant shouting) Assumpta! (Distant shouting) (Felisberto) 'That night, the gardeners' shouts led me to another automaton.' 'Malvina.' 'She looked at me, she saw me, she spoke to me, she held my hand.' 'But she called me someone else's name.' (Assumpta) 'ls that why she's here? ' 'Because this Adolfo abandoned her, and then she tried to take her own life? ' (Whistling) So everything's fodder for tangos, huh, Mr Felisberto? Forgive me, Doctor, I've been here... Mr Felisberto, I must draw your attention to the fact that the woman with whom you were seen trying to engage in conversation yesterday is a patient of mine. The lady has suffered a grave illness. Her condition, shall we say, might even be described as, er, terminal. So, you will kindly desist from importuning her any further. - Importuning? That's the last... - Have I made myself clear? Good. (Felisberto) 'Then, to my surprise, the Doctor invited me to play a small but special role in his opera.' 'He explained that it would be a reconstruction of Madame van Stille's trauma, and that only by using this therapy could he ever hope to bring her back to her more natural self.' And what was her trauma, if I may be so bold? Oh, tragically her fiancé broke off their relationship the very day before they were due to be married. Of course I'd do anything to help Madame Malvina, but as I said, my voice is hopeless. I can't sing. You needn't. You will whistle. (Thud) I am like certain feminine opera fans who listen only with their clitoris. Look closely at that triangular muscle. These vocal folds made up from nerves, blood vessels and membranes. Then imagine Malvina's. As delicate as ripening grapes. A scent just waiting, anticipating, dreaming of succumbing to pollutions of mist and fogs upon the coolest slopes. Malvasia. Mammolo. Marzemino. And this sublime prolonged weight of her vocal cords around my music, slowly breaking the cap of its skin oozing swollen juices, crushed and glistening vanillas. (Felisberto) 'Doctor, clearly it's you who's inhaled the spore of Malvina's voice.' (Mumbles) Malvina. Adolfo. See? Good. Once more. How many times more? Kiss me. The Doctor rests every afternoon from three to five. Madame? Malvina? - It's me, Felisberto. - Piano tuner. (Malvina) Yes. Do you... hear that? The rocks. I can hear them at night. Malvina? Where is Adolfo? The dead love the most, love longest. Malvina. Adolfo's by the door. Can you see him? - Yes. There, by the door. - Hmm. Table. Vase. And in it? Orchids. There's a window. Yes, a window. Round window with a girl dropping confetti. With a girl dropping confetti. In this room. 'With a girl dropping confetti.' - In this room. - 'With a girl dropping confetti.' - In this room. - 'With a girl dropping confetti.' What happened? With a girl... (Felisberto) 'I found steps which led me beneath the stage.' 'Everything she spoke about had been there.' 'The door, the orchids, the round window.' 'Were they all part of the Doctor's reconstruction for the final performance? ' (Howling) (Crash of thunder) (Distant shouting) 'I saw my face.' 'My reflection.' 'And then, for a second, everything seemed to sag.' (Piercing whistle) But that's my whistle in there. See, my little floor-foraging ant? Didn't I tell you? Here. I'll give you a hand. Well, Doctor, your machine, it swallowed my whistle. And somehow, my reflection. Did you not think me capable? But I might... But I might need it. (Droz) 'Real illnesses here are absolutely essential for the imagination.' 'Higher.' 'Higher still.' 'Back. Back.' 'Yes. And around.' (Felisberto) 'Yesterday afternoon, I saw two suns.' 'And my watch has stopped.' (Thunder) (Droz) 'Higher.' 'Higher still.' 'It clamps its mandibles onto the plant and waits there until it dies.' 'As for the fungus, it lives on.' 'Ln older kingdoms, they used to put out the eyes of birds to make them sing better.' (Felisberto) 'But here is the king, Droz, who is telling the stories.' 'One every day for six days.' 'The seventh story, the seventh automaton, will surely surely spell the end.' 'No... ' 'No, he can't get away with it.' 'He mustn't! He's the evil one! ' 'He's the one who must perish! Not the innocent princess! ' 'Not the innocent princess! ' I know what has to be done. It's the door. The carriage. I must have left the carriage while I was sleeping. Malvina. Malvina! Are you listening to me? Act three. You're burning. I love you. Feel me Adolfo. You shouldn't be here! The Doctor is coming. Has she remembered your name yet? (Laughter) (Felisberto) 'Droz is laughing at me.' (Laughter slows down) (Laughter stops) If all the automata here depend on my power to tune them, then it is also in my power to mistune them. Droz is making me guess all the correct alignments. Yesterday, a calendar told me there will be an eclipse tomorrow. Its trajectory will flood along this path straight to the stage. Shh! It's timed to coincide with the opening of the door. Assumpta, will you share a drink with me? Poisoned chalice, Emmanuel? (Droz) Bitter, on the back of the tongue. Verging... towards leather. And even violets. Or violence. Why not? Quite. (Droz) Violets. (Glass hums) (Felisberto whispers) The door. (Felisberto) 'And the tremors... ' (Droz) '... were felt as far as Salamanca.' Felisberto Fernandez, Piano Tuner of Earthquakes. (Distant thunder) Then you've chosen to leave me to sadness. To an even lesser role. The future. 'Assumpta, listen carefully.' 'Soon, very soon, Villa Azucena will have become little more than a memory.' It will accumulate its infinity, here, just behind your eyes. By who else, Emmanuel? By who else, if not by you? (Speaks foreign tongue) (Droz) 'I will, at last, revenge the stench of waving handkerchiefs at the opera houses that have denied my music.' Adolfo. (Bird sings) (Very slow, very quiet music) (Mechanical music) (Slow music) (Mechanical music) (Slow music) (Mechanical music) (Louder music) (Operatic singing) (Brass music) (Operatic singing) (Droz) She's dead. Holz, Echeverria! (Whispering) (Thunder) (Gasping) I can hear them at night. (Droz) Sing, Malvina! Sing! Adolfo... Malvina, it's me. Adolfo's by the door. (Thunder) (Adolfo) Malvina! (Droz) Assumpta, soon Villa Azucena will have become little more than a memory. (Felisberto) 'I never saved Malvina.' 'I never made it past the sixth automaton.' 'Didn't Droz tell me he was capable of such a thing? ' 'And my love for Malvina, was this only an illusion? ' 'These thoughts preserve me now, here, inside the sixth automaton, where I dream mechanically with the tides amongst the rocks, where they can never separate us.' Malvina. The dead love the most, love the longest. Previously on The West Wing: Get the president a report on storage. -I'm not sure we're ready-- -He asked me for it. Are we done? We need to focus on the best way to manage his symptoms. How many hours a day? Six or seven, and he's gonna need a nap midday. A nap? He's gonna love that. For both of us, sir, this is our last game. Let's leave it all out on the field. Sir? -Evening. -I thought you were heading... -... totheresidence. -Thought about it. Then I thought I'd sit and enjoy the art for a while. -Do you want me to get Curtis? -No. -I'm a bachelor tonight. -So I heard. Abbey's in Baltimore with Ellie and the new boyfriend. -I hear we like him. -What's not to like? The guy spent the last 15 years... ... studyingthematingrituals of Drosophila melanogaster. He likes fruit flies. And my daughter, hopefully not in that order. What say we grab Toby and head out on the town, trip the light fantastic? Are we gonna chase after Miss Turnstiles? The old lady's out of town. She'll have my head if I don't get you to bed in a half-hour. -Yeah. -Besides, you've got a date tomorrow. I actually convinced her to let me out of the house for Valentine's Day. -You're taking her to the opera? -Verdi's Otello. Romantic, huh? Isn't that one where the guy kills his wife? It's in Italian. I'm hoping she won't notice. -Sure you don't want me to call Curtis? -I'm good. -Night, C.J. -Night, sir. Get some rest. Yeah. -Margaret? -Yes. Will you ask Debbie to move the president's wake-up call back to 8:30? I'd like to take a look at the president's schedule for tomorrow. Shevardnadze just pulled the section on executive power? And replaced it with his own. The old constitutional bait and switch. -Hello. -C.J. Cregg, I'd like you to meet... -... ProfessorLawrenceLessig. -Hi. He's a constitutional writer. He's helping Belarus write their constitution. I'd have thought they'd written one by now. They have. It's three lines pledging allegiance to the Supreme Soviet. -Hence the rewrite. -Hence. You have a copy of the BLS mass-layoff report I can read in the residence? -Sir. -Evening, Mr. President. -Am I interrupting? -Sir, this is Professor Lawrence Lessig. The Future of Ideas? That Lawrence Lessig? He's here to help with the Belarus constitution. He helped... -... withtheGeorgianconstitution. -Founding father for hire? No, no. The Belarusians will be the founding fathers. I'm more of a midwife. Well, it's God's work if you can help us bring some stability to that mess. -Maybe we should-- -Sir-- Where do you start a document of that importance? I like to begin with a series of conceptual questions, then proceed-- Excuse me, Professor Lessig, I'm sorry. -But the president really needs to-- -I think we can spare five minutes... ... todiscusstherootsofdemocracy, if the professor has time. -It would be an honor, sir. -Come, then. Let us sit as men do, and discuss important things. So, what's the latest in comparative constitutional theory? Is separation of power still in vogue? This is the White House operator. I have an urgent call from Commander Harper. Go ahead. Tell me you're calling about a guy you met. A United Britannia flight from London to New Delhi went off radar... ... overtheCaspianSea anhour ago. -A commercial plane? -About 100 passengers. Mostly British and French. -How many--? -Six Americans. -We think it was a crash? -It's too early to tell. The plane was off course... -... driftingintoIranianairspace. -I'll be right in. -Can you transfer me to the switchboard? -Yeah. -Ms. Cregg? -Let's wake some people up. Yes, of course we understand, and this is a terrible tragedy, but-- Yes, Madam Prime Minister, but-- Ma'am, we've had no indication the Iranians were involved. And I think it's in all of our interests not to jump to conclusions. Yes, ma'am. Yes. -The British prime minister? -In all her glory. When I left the president, I thought I'd go home nights. Can't complain you're not getting overtime. -You don't pay me overtime. -You wake up the guys at State? Great Britain desk sent over language for the condolence statement. They suggested we invite the ambassador for breakfast. Just what we need, international intrigue. -I thought you liked Lord John. -I adore him. And when I was press secretary, I could adore him from afar. -You gonna be in the Sit Room? -Hoping to catch a game? -Maybe a nap. -Call Barrow. Set up some time with Chet. He'll know. Thirty minutes out of London, the flight was six miles off course. We think they accidentally left the autopilot in heading mode. -Do you see the trajectory of the plane? -Yeah. I just got off with the prime minister. They're coordinating on a search party. But she's already pointing fingers. Is she pointing them for a reason? I'm sorry. Are we waiting for the president? No. Do we have any reason to believe the Iranians were involved? We've been flying RC-135s off the northern coast of Iran. -Spy planes. -Since last March. And the Iranian MTI that tracks the RC-135... ... producesveryrough CAPPI readouts. -English. -The United Britannia flight drifted... ... intoIranianairspaceona track very close to our RC-135's flight path. The Iranians mistook the flight for a spy plane and took a shot at it? It's possible. The RC-135 is roughly the same size as a 737. -With a large dish on it. -And a banner that says "spy plane. " -But on a dark night... . -We have to find out what happened. We're talking to the Israelis. Signals Intel has feed from the time the plane went off radar. -But it's gonna take a while to translate. -I want updates every half-hour. So the Iranians taking potshots at our spy planes... -... that'sfairgame. -We don't let them hit us. Did the president get into it with Graty? He wasn't on the call. She got pretty hepped up all by her lonesome. State's been conducting talks with Iran on their nuclear program. -We've made progress. -It's fragile. If Iran's involved, Graty makes this a thing-- I put in a call to Chet. Do you find it odd... ... callinga high-ranking Iranian official "Chet"? Well, it's easier to say than Asefi Hossein Kamal Bin Hamid. -Man, I'm fried. -Up late last night? Lecture on the future of democracy in Belarus. Democracy? The last guy made his political opposition disappear. -Literally. -Why they've asked for help. C.J. Prime Minister Graty, she tends to overreact. -She's a runaway train. -The president likes a heads-up... ... ifshe'smakingdecisions with international ramifications. He'll be awake in a few hours. Make sure I get those updates. Debris from what appears to be a plane crash has begun to wash up in Astara.... Do you have my schedule? Officials fear this could be the wreckage of United Britannia Airlines Flight 101. We're gonna need to pare this down. Get rid of my 10:30. Have Charlie take the 12:00 with Karshner. -Please tell me this is a joke. -No, ma'am. I'm meeting with Miss World? She's from Bhutan. I have her bio so you can be prepared. -For Miss World? -It's a tradition. Every year, the new Miss World comes in to lobby. -On what? -AIDS in Africa, world hunger. She generally has a very good cause. She gets to meet with the chief of staff to the president of the United States? Leo thought that as a show of international good faith... -... weshouldaccordall due respectto-- -Pretty girls everywhere? -She's a brilliant flautist. -Get it off my schedule. You're in early. Toby? Yeah. -What you doing? -Reading. Constitutional Choices. It's amazing how tricky emergency powers are. The executive in a young republic... ... you'llneedsome type of emergency power. Do you write that in the constitution, or does that lead to abuse? -I just came in because-- -See the predicament. -Toby. -Right, we need to put out... ... acondolencestatement on the crash. I'll put Annabeth on it when she gets in. Charlie's got some language from State. Building a new democracy. -How do you shape a new world? -Right. Have you reassigned Miss World? -Well, I thought maybe I could-- -I'm sending Toby a Valentine. We just got a call from our base in Incirlik. This is surveillance of the Caspian Sea from the time the plane went off radar. -And these are... ? -Two jets... ... flyingoutof theIranianairbasein Rasht, on course to intercept the flight. Margaret, call the switchboard. Ask them to wake the president. Good morning, ma'am. -Mr. President? -Good morning, sir. Yeah. Why are there three of you? Mr. President, we think the Iranian air force mistakenly shot down... ... aBritishcommercialairliner. I need to speak with Prime Minister Graty. I asked her to wait before making a statement. -What's Iran saying? -Not much. -I'm sure that's going over well. -Intel's working on the feed. If Iranians were aiming at our plane, it'd provide explanation for their actions. -We called Marbury? -On his way. -We should call Chet. -On his way. Damn it! We were just making progress with the Iranians. If Graty gets revved up and starts quoting Churchill... . She gets aggressive, Iran gets defensive, this thing's gonna spiral. I need to talk her down. Get her on the phone. Sir. We condemn the attack by Iran against 109 innocent men, women and children aboard an unarmed United Britannia plane. This is a barbaric, monstrous crime committed against Great Britain against Europe, against the United States, against humanity. There can be absolutely no justification. Well, I guess I'll have to wait till she's off camera. This shall not stand. That was Prime Minister Graty.... Have we heard anything from Prime Minister Graty? -Were we talking with British intelligence? -Yes, sir. They have something, or she wouldn't be getting Hans and Franz. -Where's the report from Hutchinson? -It's here. Marbury on the way? We schedule time with the networks? -We should discuss if that's necessary. -It wasn't. But now that there's been a crime... Is she on the phone yet? -Thank you. -Thank you, sir. I want an update from Hutchinson. Put in a call to Barrow. See where we are with Chet. Make sure Lord John doesn't stop for an eye opener... ... onthewayfromtheBritishEmbassy. Mrs. Bartlet. -Hello there. -Did you just get in? About half an hour ago. Around the time I noticed my husband wasn't in bed. I checked the bathroom, the sitting room. He was nowhere to be found. I get a little nervous. My husband's not the healthiest guy, you know. So I call Curtis. He tells me the president's in the Oval. Can you imagine my surprise? There was a development. You do remember waking me at 4 a.m.? -Ma'am-- -We agreed to let him sleep. I let him sleep until I couldn't let him anymore. How late was he up last night? Ma'am, I let him sleep as long as I could. Toby Ziegler, this is Alexander Zubatov... ... headofthedelegation from the Republic of Belarus. -Pleasure to meet you, sir. -And we thank you for having us. -Hi. -Hello. Could you check and see if you can find Lessig? No problem. Please. -Is that a copy of our constitution? -Yes. -You know this document? -Yes, I do. -I have many question. -That's good. -Over the course of the week, we-- -For example... ... itsayshere,presidentshallbe commander of Army, Navy, et cetera. -Yes. -Here, it says: "Congress shall have power to declare war. " -Yes. -Commander does not declare war? -Theoretically, Congress needs to. -Theoretically. -So your habit is to ignore document? -No. Well, occasionally. -Good morning. How you doing? -Excuse me. -Good morning. -Good morning. Sorry I'm late. I was having breakfast with Justice Lang. And we got into a fascinating discussion... ... overthereformation of the rule against perpetuities. I see we've got our noble patriarchs. -Have you started? -I've been answering questions. Excellent. Gentlemen, let's begin. Yes. I hope to embark upon a conceptual journey... ... intotheworldofdemocratictheory. I'll be right back. Excuse me. Sorry. I trust you've glanced at the material. -She wants to see you. -A beauty queen on my schedule? She did it. You put a beauty queen on my schedule? The United Britannia flight was shot down by two Iranian fighters. It might have been a mistake. Kate's gonna give you more. You need to brief. And tentatively set up some time with the networks. Graty's a little excited. He wants to distance himself. If he went on TV every time Graty blew-- Tentatively schedule. And, Toby, in the briefing-- Since morning, the president has done everything to assist the British. Yeah, but don't say "president. " The White House has done everything? It's gonna sound like he got a good night's sleep. Gerald? Gerald? -Gerald? -Good lord. -C.J.? -Toby, I gotta... . Lord John? Hello. You look familiar. -C.J. We've met a number of times. -Yes, yes. Where is Gerald? I do hope he's recovered. Leo has moved down the hall. Oh, yes, I heard. Demoted on account of a heart attack. That's cutthroat, even for American politics. -Actually, he's been-- -No, no. There's no need to hedge. So you're the new Gerald. I suppose. -Delightful. -lf you'll just... . Maureen, of course we support-- Yes, but until we know all the facts-- Yes, madam. We'll be in touch. Thank you. So much for a stiff upper lip. -Mr. President. -John, thank God. -Kate, may I introduce-- -I'm Lord John Marbury... ... hereditaryEarlof Sherborne... ... great-great-grandson of the former viceroy. I have served as the queen's minister in India and Pakistan. And I am presently the British ambassador to the United States. Oh, and I have an uncle who once performed... ... intheLondonOperaCompany's production of The Mikado... ... intheroleofNanki-Poo. -It's a pleasure. -Yes, isn't it? John, please. I'm afraid your prime minister is doing her William the Conqueror thing again. Prime Minister Graty's own party thinks she's soft on Iran. Her government is far from stable. And we have just lost almost 100 countrymen. -So are you surprised? -Not at all, really. But we think this might have been a mistake. They accidentally fired two Anab AA-3 missiles at the side of a passenger jet? -Lord Marbury-- -No, please call me John. -John. -Yeah. It's possible the Iranians thought they were shooting at a U.S. spy plane. So it's your fault. -John-- -Been spying on their nuclear facilities? Yes. Why do you think they want you to stop? The Iranians deliberately killed British and American citizens... ... ortheytriedtoshootdownyourplane because they want to build weapons. They are a rogue nation on the verge of becoming a rogue nuclear power. While I in no means wish to trivialize... ... themostappallingloss of life earlier this morning... ... oneneednotrereadThucydides to see this as an opportunity. She's gonna use this as an excuse to bomb their nuclear plants? Heavens, no. The prime minister must demand remuneration for the victims. Perhaps a formal apology, even some elegiac groveling. We all know the ayatollah will never pay, let alone apologize, for anything. Well, then we will be forced to take appropriate measures. Will there be mimosas with breakfast? Toby, will the president back the British if they respond with force? -I'm not gonna speculate. -lf they need logistical support? I'm not gonna speculate on Britain's response. What was the president's reaction to Graty? -I haven't discussed it with him. -Were we consulted before the address? The White House has been working with the British since morning. -Was there a call with--? -I don 't have the details now. -When can we get the tick-tock? -I'll get back to you. -Toby, the prime minister's address? -I don't have any more for you now. She called it a monstrous crime. Does the president--? The president is scheduled to address the nation at 6. I'd tune in. For you. -Why? -It's Valentine's Day. Go ahead, they're yummy. Hey, what's the tick-tock? Minute-by-minute accounting of the president's actions. The press-- -Asks for it during a crisis. -Then why ask? "White House has been working with the British since morning"? The president needs to look strong, like he's up to this. "The president has been working with the British. " -I got it. -Apparently not. Or they wouldn't have asked for the tick-tock. Good, huh? I've got more if you want, for your special someone. -Excuse me? -I like Bhutan in spring, how about you? -I'm still meeting with the beauty queen? -Oh, yeah. We say the president is the sole representative of the people... ... becausewhilehe is elected by electors... ... theseelectorsare elected by the people... ... uponthepremise that they will vote for him. I can go through it again if you'd like. -No. -Is he explaining the Electoral College? -We've covered it in some detail. -Toby. We've been discussing the American executive. You could shed some light. We should push beyond American-style government. -Push beyond? -Yeah. Mr. Zubatov has many questions. But perhaps this time would be better spent discussing a parliamentary system. -We don't want parliamentary system. -Okay. -President Eliches needs broad powers. -Like American president. Sir, your country has a history of brutal dictatorship. I don't think a strong executive is such a good idea. -You agree with this? -Not entirely. Half the faculty at Yale Law describes the American presidential system... ... asoneof thiscountry's most dangerous exports... ... wreakinghavocon over 30 countries around the globe. It is a recipe for constitutional breakdown. Well, I can see this is going to be a vibrant discussion. John, you can't focus on the ayatollah. President Alijani is a champion of reform. -lf negotiations with Iran progress-- -Alijani's weak. Nonproliferation agreements won't stop their efforts. It'll just drive them underground. Bombing is the better solution. Iranians have spread out their nuclear facilities. -We don't know where half of them are. -Well, we'll bomb the half we can find. Abigail! Blanket my loins, I'm tied to the stake. -Here we go. -Lovely to see you, John. So many distractions, Mr. President. How do you get anything done? -God only knows. -Where's C.J.? With Secretary Hutchinson. May I have Kate for a minute? Tarry not long, gentle courtesan. -Did he just call me a--? -Isn't he delightful? -Yeah. -The president needs a break. -Okay. -He was up late last night. He was up early this morning. He needs a break. Well, we've got the French ambassador, then the Iranian, but maybe-- I mean now. -Maybe I should just check with C.J. -You could do that. Or you could go back in there and get my husband. Yes, ma'am. My heart is like a singing bird Whose nest is in a water'd shoot My heart is like an apple-tree Whose boughs are bent With thick-set fruit Raise me a daïs of silk and down -Hang it with vair and purple dyes -Kate Harper. -Carve it in doves and pomegranates -Can you repeat that? And peacocks with a hundred eyes Yeah, we'll send it over right away. Thanks. -Hello. -Thank God. C.J., so good of you to return. -Where's the president? -Apparently on recess. May I use your phone? -He went back to the residence? -First lady wanted him to rest. Yeah. I guess we can try to delay the French. -I'm sorry, should I have... ? -No. -Wasn't clear on the chain of command. -It's fine. Margaret? -Yeah. -Yes. Can you find Charlie and see if Leo's in yet? -Sure. -Slovakia, Slovenia... ... Bulgaria.Theychose parliamentary systems. Hamilton, Madison, Jefferson. They all chose a presidential system. Only four presidential democracies have lasted longer than 30 years. Hamilton, Jefferson, Madison? They got lucky. Well, they want a unifying national figure. -We need a unifying figure. -British prime minister is a unifying figure. -Prime Minister Graty's weak. -Subject to shifty coalitions. She's subject to the representatives. She can be ousted... ... ifshelockspeopleup who don't like The White Album. President Eliches is a good man, and he wouldn't do this. He'd create a stable environment for the country. For the next 10 years, yes. But this document isn't about President Eliches. It's about the 60 guys who come after him. You need systemic protection. Safeguards that can last beyond a generation. You gotta look beyond the moment, beyond the here and now. Your 12:30 is here. My 12:30. I need you to take my 1:30 with Conrad and my 2: 15 with Lauer. No problem. You rang. Gerald! Sweet Lord in heaven. -It's been too long. -Oh, I don't think it has. One moment. I trust you've heard our news? Oh, terrible tragedy. But if it means that our paths may cross again... ... well,thereis indeedsome small consolation in that. -Yes. -Leo, I hate to pull you into this. -Toby's plate is full and with Josh gone-- -What do we got? The president's in the residence, Iranians in the Mural, French at the gate. And then there's Maude. I really can't believe we still let him in the building. Tell me about it. We have relations with the Iranians now? No, we have Chet. -Chet's the new Phil? -Phil? Chet's the new Phil. I was hoping you'd take the French-- -I'm not of that opinion. -French are fine. Excellent. You take the French, I'll take Chet. And Kate can stay and entertain Lord Flibbertigibbet. -Good. -Not good. -Have fun. -That's your fault. So you said you were from... ? Bhutan. I'm sorry. Say that again. -Did you ask for the Asian carp report? -No. -You sure? -Pretty sure. -Sorry. You were saying? -Yes, Bhutan. -It's just south of-- -Toby, I brought you the latest... . Thanks. You the man. -So Bhutan, just south of-- -Hi. Hello. You need something? -You need something? -No. Good. Thank you. Great. -Annabeth. -Happy Valentine's Day. I'm still waiting for the tick-tock. Would you settle for a chocolate heart? Why wasn't the president on the call with Graty? -That would be a no? -I got a tip he wasn't on the call. Well, the British papers can be kind of dodgy. -Is Toby around? -He's busy. If the president wasn't up, the country has a right to know. I've got candy hearts. I can post this story with or without comment from the administration. Maybe now would be a good time to talk to Toby. No, I think large-scale study of gene expression is a very noble cause. Excuse us. I hate to bother you, but Gordon had a-- And this is-- I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Lyonpo Palden Wangchuk. Right. This is Gordon. He's a famous journalist from The Washington Post. In fact, Gordon has written columns on the mapping of the human genome. -Oh, yes? -And Miss... ? -Wangchuk. -Wangchuk is very interested... ... inmicroarray-based gene expression studies. Really? Yes. I think this research is quite important. -Would you excuse us? -Sure, sure. Yes, sure. What in God's name... ? Gordon got a tip the president wasn't on the early call. -Figured we might stall him. -You think that--? That was written by a colleague. Okay, it might work. Toby, I have the first lady for you. You have to control the British. They're jeopardizing more than nuclear talks. -They're understandably upset. -Maybe. But even the educated are rallying around the ayatollah. Alijani's worried about the future of our reform movement. Which is why the ayatollah needs to apologize. The president has been trying to reason with him, but with Graty's threats... ... theayatollahcan'tapologize. And really, why would he consider it? Maybe to avoid compromising a potential relationship with the U.S. Did the United States apologize... ... whentheU.S.Navyshot down Iran Air Flight 655... ... killing290innocentpeople? And even if it were in his best interest, the ayatollah's a very proud man. Especially when it comes to his air force. -You'll do what you can. -I will try. But if you cannot control the British... . Ms. Cregg. Things went well with Chet, huh? -Yeah. How'd it go with the French? -Like talking to Madame Defarge. The EU is scared to death of an Iranian nuke. Opportunity knocks. Maybe we should fall in line. You gotta believe in the future of Iran. They got pro-America rallies. We play nice, democracy could be around the corner. The reform movement's gained ground over the years. Why do you think the ayatollah's refusing to budge? He can rebuild nuclear plants, but the anti-Western sentiment it'll generate... ... iftheRAFstartsdropping bombs on Tehran. I got a call from the first lady. She wants to cancel the address tonight. -Excuse me? -She wants to issue a statement. -She thinks he's not up to it. -Not her call. -Pretty much what I said. -I'll talk to her. Is that the Miss... ? -Yeah. -I used to love this time of year. -Why is she with Gordon? -He was asking for the tick-tock. -How long can we--? -Annabeth thinks a while. Keep me posted. Abbey's been more involved since you got back from China? -Yeah. -Thank God for early retirement. After China, Abbey and I met with the doctors. We came up with a plan. A full night's sleep, a nap during the day... ... awayto managethings. Of course, getting him to cooperate is another story. I called Abbey last night. I thought we should wake him, but he'd been up-- I always thought the wake-up call was one of the hardest decisions to make. The president's always gonna want the call. But really, all you have to ask yourself at the end of the day is... ... wouldithavemade a difference if he'd been awake? It's no surprise. Iran 's always been a problem. But this time, they painted themselves into a corner. And I urge the president to take all appropriate measures. -Easy for him to say. -Hey. -Where's Lord John? -He lost interest. Something about a Miss World. Can you believe these people? -Which people would you be referring to? -Hoynes, Vinick, Walken. Pick one. All on the "Iran is evil" bandwagon. When you're campaigning for the presidency, there's no need for nuance. -A French word. -When are we meeting the French? -Leo sat with them. -They're on the bombing bandwagon. -When do we sit with Chet? -Didn't have much luck there. You talked to the Iranians without me? Kate, Leo, can I have the room, please? I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't raise your voice at me in front of the staff. I need to manage this crisis. I needed to be in those meetings. -We handled the meetings. -You're right. -My presence wouldn't have added much. -You were up in the residence, sir. All I have in this situation is influence and relationships. Take those things away from me, I am powerless. Ayatollah is praying for rain. I'm not sure Mohammed could change his mind. Do you know how many hours I have sat with the Iranians? With the French? With Prime Minister Graty? I put in my time. I've built relationships with these people. So when they're headed for the deep end, I can rein them in. Which is what I would have done if I were awake this morning! I doubt that, sir. From the moment that pilot pulled the trigger, Graty was writing speeches. All the king's men weren't gonna keep her from opening her mouth. Had you been on her doorstep, I don't think you could have reined her in. The funny thing is, sir, I'm pretty sure you don't think you could have either. -Hey, how's everybody doing? -Fine, fine. -Great, great. -The president's speech is in the printer. -Assuming there is one. How are they? -Dandy. Don't you just love Valentine's Day? Toby, good to see you. Grab a sandwich and listen in. I think I'm managing to pick up a few phrases. It's not all that different from Polish, actually. They're still on a lunch break. -They love roast beef. -You're giving them a two-hour lunch... ... afterwastingthemorningonasystem that's never gonna work for them? I wouldn't call it a waste. These guys have to walk out on Friday... ... witha setof laws to take back home to Minsk. Not a set of laws, a sense of the rule of law. You're not planning on writing a constitution this week? Are you familiar with Meyer v. State of Nebraska? Nebraska passed a law making it illegal to teach anything... ... butEnglishduringWorldWarI. Meyer wanted to teach German. Supreme Court said the law was unconstitutional. Good. Now... ... whereintheconstitution does it say you've got a right... ... toteachGermaninschool? -The document is irrelevant? -No. I'm saying the document is just the beginning. A constitutional democracy succeeds... ... onlyiftheconstitution reflects democratic values... ... alreadyalivein thecitizenry. Yes, but these Belarusians don't have those values. Which is why our most important job is to instill those values in their leaders... ... throughdiscussionanddebate. But you're talking about eight guys on a sightseeing trip to Washington. You think you teach values to eight guys... ... you'llreverse50 years of brutal dictatorship? Mr. Helakal was known as the only honest legislator in the government. Mr. Lipecki is the most respected judge in the country. And Mr. Zubatov, well... ... Mr.Zubatovis theeditorinchief of Sovetskaya Belorussiya. His articles helped bring down the last dictator. How many guys do you think it takes? Got a cigarette? First lady get to you? -Yes, sir. -Come on. Cough them up. Aren't those bad for the MS? You wanna play doctor too? Suddenly, I've got 17 nursemaids. -She didn't wake me up this morning. -Okay. -lf I was awake this morning, I could've-- -What? Prime Minister Graty thinks you're an intellectual snob. A Yankee Doodle windbag. Likely as not, you would've made things worse. If an American dies, and there's suspicion of international intrigue... -... she'ssupposedto wakeme. -Since when? If I'd used that rule, you'd be dead from sleep deprivation. Five minutes ago, you told me to leave it out on the field. -Now you're telling me to stay off it? -Let her do her job so you can do yours. Excuse me. Do you have a minute, ma'am? -I sent him back to work. -Yes, I saw him. Thank you. Ma'am, I can't have you confusing my staff. Okay. If you have a question, a concern, I need you to come to me. What if I can't find you? Find me. You gonna take away my key to the executive washroom too? Ma'am... ... Imadeamistakethis morning. He needed to sleep. Yes, I agree with you. The mistake was not making the decision on my own. You can't make these decisions by yourself. -I'm the chief of staff. -You're not a doctor. It's not a medical decision. It's a question as to whether the leader needs to be informed... ... aboutsomethingthat puts citizens in jeopardy. What he does with that, how he manages his disease... ... thosearehisdecisions. He was up until midnight. He's not managing his disease. You're gonna have to take that up with him, ma'am. I'm sorry. Excuse me. -John. Thanks for sticking around. -No trouble at all, really. We've translated transmissions from before the incident... -... we'dliketo sharewithyou. -By all means. At 0230 Greenwich mean time, we believe this is an Iranian fighter... ... callinginto military-radar ground control in Rasht. "Unable to establish visual contact with RC-135. Hailed on military channels. No response. Please advise. " They thought it was our plane. Here's the response at 0233. "Iranian Air Defense Command radar signal confirms... ... aircraftasU.S.RC-135. You are instructed to fire. " This is all very lovely, but I'm not sure how it changes anything. Damn it, John, the reform movement in Iran has real promise. Demographics are on our side. Yes, you've been making that argument for some time now. You're gonna drive the Iranians back into the arms of hard-liners. The Iranians have a ballistic missile that reaches 2000 kilometers. That's half the distance to London. And they're making improvements. To their weapons technology, to their already formidable air force. How long do you think we can wait for democracy to sweep through Tehran? Five years? Ten years? Would you bet your capital on it? We threaten to make this public. We call a meeting of the Security Council. Tell them we'll play the intercepts. Intercepts prove the Iranian air force shot down our plane. -Prime minister won't budge. -Not the prime minister. The ayatollah. Iranians couldn't tell the difference between an airliner and a spy plane. -It's embarrassing. -For a man who's proud of his air force. We let the ayatollah know what we have... ... hejumpsto apologize for the actions of a pilot... ... ratherthanhumble Air Defense Command. If they issue even a vague apology-- Mr. President, Jack Stanley and his fiancée perished in that plane last night. Nicolas Ashe and his three small children. He was a fellow at Oxford. The list goes on. The casualties are nothing compared with what might happen... ... shouldIransuccessfully develop a nuclear weapon. They have over 100 nuclear facilities. It's not a matter of four bombs. It's a matter of 400. And this regime will not be afraid of selling to the highest bidder. Kate, set up the meeting with the U.N. And have Chet get word to the ayatollah. He can apologize now or after he reads about it in the Times. -Yes, sir. -You do realize the ayatollah... ... willbeembarrassedand weakened? He'll do nothing but redouble his nuclear efforts. Diplomacy, John. The job of statesmen. And I thought it was drinking and dancing. -The networks can have their time back. -The Iranians are apologizing? Let's work on a statement for the papers. Where are we with Gordon? And I always looked down my nose at beauty pageants. -We should at least consider-- -Give him the tick-tock. Tell him the prime minister was a courtesy call. I didn't think we needed to wake him. Just because the public thinks... ... he'ssupposedto be up doesn't mean he is. -Know what the story's gonna be? -They'll write MS stories... ... tilltheendofthis administration. Give him the tick-tock. So maybe we should cancel the address. I took care of it. Iran's apologizing, Britain's backing down. There's no need for you to distance yourself from Graty. You gotta trust me to make these decisions... ... orthere'sno point in having me in this job. -Yeah. -I spoke to Mrs. Bartlet. I'll be making the wake-up calls on my own. Your MS won't be a factor in my decision. Thank you. Sir... ... theseinternationalcrisesdragon for days. One rolls right into the next. You need to take care of yourself. There will be mornings... ... whenI 'mgonnahave to wake you at 3 a.m. -Good night, sir. -Good night. Happy Valentine's Day. That's what you're wearing to the opera? You have a 7 a.m. call in the morning. I canceled the opera. -The whole opera? -No. Just the part where we give the usher the tickets-- I can manage my health without you taking my pulse every five minutes. Is that what you were doing when you decided to stay up gossiping last night? -I was talking to Professor Lessig. -Shove it, Jed. "It's my disease, my health, I can handle it. " The hell you can! You can run this country on four and a half hours' sleep with MS? You're out of your mind. -Stop treating me like a child. -Then stop acting like one. Where would you be if I hadn't bought you those extra hours this morning? Do you want to manage your disease? You accept your limitations and you manage it. You don't go sneaking around like a teenager staying out after curfew... . Oh, my God. Who's your princess? You are! Princess Josi. That's right, and Princess Josi needs excitement. Do we have to do this role-crap-playing every time? I'm tired of being milkman, fireman... escaped convicts, horny paperboys. What, you just want to have sex with me? Is that it? Yes... no. Well, yeah. Let me spell it out for you. Right now, I'm a princess. Princess needs excitement. Screwing football players is mucho boring. You, Mitch, are a football player. Comprende? Right now, princess wants a blacksmith. Princess wants a dirty, sweaty, hot, rough blacksmith. Shoe your horse, milady? Oh! Oh, my God! Get that. I said I'd make you climb the walls. Not you, idiot! There! Cami! You gonna tell me how the thesis meeting went? Oh, the associate dean said it was brilliant work. Proving that insects were once the dominant species... is gonna give the school tons of funding and recognition. You're kidding? Brilliant how you see right through my deception, Martin. Actually, he said that my thesis... was pure science fiction and he's gonna reject it. He said, "Try switching your major... "to creative writing or film." In that case, I told you so. You tell those suits something like that, and you can bet you'll have the scientists on your case... and the creationists. You should stick with something safe. Yeah, sit here reinventing the wheel. That's fun. What were you thinking? I told you, leave them alone. I just wanted to see what it felt like. You handle them. Well, maybe after we find it... we can go hang out at the... They're venomous, Martin, OK? And they come from a genetic engineering lab... not a pet store. And this is not the time to be hitting on me. Well, chill out and let's find it. It's not a big deal. This is not the first time one of them has gotten loose, OK? I can't deal with this. I have too much to deal with with the girls in this house. And we have to find it. Evander. - Cami. - Oh... I have given you lots of warning... about these disgusting pets of yours. You know what? This hurts me as much as it hurts them. Stop it! Josi, that's my work! They're special! You know what, Cami? This is for your own good. You have got to get over this obsession with bugs. It's just so not hot. Not now, Martin. I just wanted to... Good-bye, Evander. Lewis. Boris. Let me... This was my work. This was everything to me, Martin. Everything. - Oh, Cherri. - Kyle! I'm sor... Sorry! Is there a lot of chlorine in this water or what? Cami, the... the pity party's gone on long enough. You know not all experiments succeed. Scientists start over all the time. They repeat experiments. I'm not wrong. Prehistoric insects were bigger than scientists think. Smarter, too. These insects, they have dormant genes... and I was reactivating them. I was this close to making them as intelligent... as they used to be. And not all scientists have stupid-ass Josi... come in and destroy their work. She's hot. God, Martin. What I mean is, you're not a scientist, Cami. You're a student... and maybe this is a sign to work less and... enjoy life a little more. Anyhow, it probably wouldn't even have... Wouldn't have what? Wouldn't have what, Martin? Nothing. Wouldn't have worked? You don't believe in me? I believe in you. I'm just saying... try and worry less while proving some old theory wrong. That was close. Sorry. I didn't think anyone was gonna come up behind me... without saying anything. Oh, well, next time you'll keep that in mind, won't you? You exchange students sure study hard. I really appreciate you helping me out with this paper. - Glad to help. - Of course you are. I just hope you don't feel obligated... knowing that I'm chapter president and everything. Not at all. We exchange students like to work hard, right? Good practice for my own studies. Ciao. Hello. Anyone in there? House full of chicks... how can there not be eyedrops in this place? Rats. Belli, are you dirty, too? How about scrubbing my back? Belli? Oh, Jesus, Josi. - Belli... - Belli's not here. But what a threesome that would be. It's just you and me. Oh, God. Kyle, you're an actor. How about you pretend that I'm a neglected housewife... and my husband's away on business... and you're playing the part of my janitor? Where's Josi? I don't know. Screwing around with her homework or something. I tell you, thank God for football, man. You know I'm not much for that fancy book learning stuff. OK, if you weren't with Josi, which... Fumi. Now there's a girl that's hot. How about if you weren't with Twisti now? What's going on there? I'd have a little bit of Sophi and a little bit of Jenni. She's so hot. They're dykes. I have some pretty strong lesbian tendencies myself. Why don't we go for a beer or something... and do something fun? No, I'm not in the mood. They've given me such a headache. Perhaps just another glass of water. Now, check out Sophi. God... I'd do her in a second. How do you figure she's Cami's sister? It doesn't make sense. OK, hottest girls. I'm talking instant hard-on, just add thong. More like remove thong. Is that not counting girlfriends? Hell no. Well, probably Sophi, Jenni... Cherri, Fumi. I'd say Belli, Cami. Cami? Yeah, she gets 2 points for being a teenage virgin. You boys have hurt Cami's feeling. Her 1 little feeling. We simply must do something about those manners of yours. Oh, don't worry, Creepi... we'll fix that image of yours right up... so nasty old boys won't pick on you. "Not counting girlfriends"? I got to go. Go? What? What do you mean, go? You can't just leave from my party. Coach has me on curfew. The coach says go to bed, and you go to bed? Princess outranks a coach, last time I heard. I don't want to get benched, Josi, OK? You leave, and that's not the only thing you won't be getting. Well, why do you have to leave now? I mean... how is this going to make me look... toward the others? You know, some of us have to do more than just burp and fart... and throw that pig thing around to maintain an image. Oh, my God. Josi, this all goes back to that stupid bug of Cami's. You're bumming me out. Tell you the truth, you're acting like a first-class bitch. Oh, and like you didn't act like a bitch. I mean, big, tough football player. Wait till I tell everybody about this. Go ahead. I've had it. Fine. What? - What is that? - I don't know. Is there any way into... Whose turn is it to... It's time to go, Martin. What? Did you just see a giant mantis? I'm cracking up, I swear. Why don't you just go home... and then drop me off at the bughouse on your way. I don't want to leave you like this. OK, I'm always gonna be like this. It's always the same. At school, when I was a little girl at home... It's not like it ever changes. I just want to be left alone... so I can have my nervous breakdown in private. You aren't a little girl anymore. OK, Martin, go. I don't want any company right now. - You should put your foot down. - Martin. I mean, you should stop being so wimpy and assert yourself. Maybe if you did, you could be as popular as Josi. And you could be even prettier if you tried. Martin! Maybe I could be prettier than Mitch or Dick if I tried. I am so sorry, Cami... that thing just aren't working out between the 2 of you. I knew what I saw. Hey, sis... Is everything OK? I heard you yelling at Marty. Yeah, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, of course. What's up? You're gonna have to keep an open mind. - Look who you're talking to. - OK. I think they're growing. My experiments were all about making them smarter... but I think they're getting bigger. Right. Who or what are they? The bugs. My bugs. Right. Have you seen your bugs? Sorry. Your giant bugs lately? No. Have you seen any signs of giant bugs? Say, any giant bug webs or giant bug turds lying around? I know, have people been getting carried away by giant bugs? Disappearing in the middle of the night? Getting chewed up by giant bug mouths? Stop making fun of me. When Josi today sprayed them all with insecticide... killing them... Are we now talking about giant thumpy bugs? They've adapted to my experiments. Their immune system must have increased. That would make perfect sense. Survivalists, everything insects. Cami, you have to stop doing this, OK? Or so help me God, I'm gonna get on the phone right now... and we're gonna call mom and dad and get you back into therapy. And not that once-a-week group therapy stuff either. Look, this thing, these things... Kyle and his little friends probably made them up. What is this? This isn't even real. This is from one of their little home science fiction movies. It's plastic, OK? All right... I know what Josi did today was out of line... but you have to start standing up for yourself. Otherwise you are always gonna be known... as Creepi Cami the bug lover. Do me 1 favor, OK? Give Martin his shot. I'm not saying you have to marry the guy or anything, girl... but you got to find somebody, anybody, please. You're 19, OK? I'm going upstairs. Why don't you come upstairs and join us? Fix yourself up a little bit? Come mingle. There's a party, I hear. Kind of fun. You do this, I promise... I'll never ask you about anything again. Never? Never. OK? Oh, and 1 other thing. There are no giant bugs. There are no giant bugs. OK. That's my girl. - All right, thank you. - All right. OK. OK, let's get hammered. You're so freaky. I'm a unique individual. Cami is a freak. So you gonna talk all night... or are you gonna go down on me again? I don't feel like going down for a third time. Watch this. - Yeah? - Kind of sets the mood, eh? If you're feeling like a psychotic serial killer, yeah. Psychotic cannibal. - Cannibal. - Eat me. Oh, my God, you're already soaked. - You wish. - You must want me really bad. You haven't done anything yet. The sheets are all wet. All right. All right. Any time. Kyle, what the hell are you doing? You are so lame. Thanks oodles, Creepi. You're just so thoughtful. Ask me sometime when I'm not busy... and I'll give you some beginner tips... on how to put makeup on. Who knows? You may even have a date or something someday. It's so nice out there in that hot tub... not that you would know. If you went in with a face like that, you'd leave an oil slick. The party is all finishing up now. You've never made it. I mean, you never made it. Thanks again, Creepi. What is this? Oh, no. Mitch, you are so dead. I am gonna kill you, Mitch. You, too, Kyle. I'll make somebody pay for this. No wonder I was so pushy. God, what's going on with this place? Cami, what are you doing? I can't open the door. Are we still on the bug thing? What bug thing? Is there a bug? No, no, honey. I was just going outside to look at something. OK. So are we still on the bug thing? OK. What are we talking about? You were right. It was silly. Cami, hon, I'm really getting worried about you. Did one of her bugs get out again? No, no. They're all dead, right, Cami? They're all dead now, OK? Get over it. I know. I... - Come on. Let's go. - OK. So will you take care of me? What do you want? Protection from big, giant bugs. Oh, God, please, please don't tell her I told you about that. Well, keep my mouth shut, then. A little more. A little more. A little more. - Damn! - Sorry. Fifty bucks told you wouldn't last a minute. I can last longer than you. - Watch. - Twister, I wouldn't. Is Dick's masculinity threatened by a strong woman? Anything bigger or stronger than Dick threatens Dick... not that there is anything bigger or stronger. - Oh, man. - What? I got to piss. Real sweet, Dick. Go pee. Not here. Wherever. Where do you want me to go? I'm not walking in there buck naked. What if Cami sees me? Tell her you have three legs. I don't know. For God's sakes, go pee... around the side of the house or something. No. What if Kyle sees me? You know those actors. They're all a little... Real mature, Dick. So Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen are gay... or John Wayne or Charles Bronson? Don't even joke about that. Those are sacred names you're blasphesizing. I'm gonna go through the entire cast of "The Dirty Dozen"... and "The Magnificent Seven" if you don't hurry up and go pee. Fine. Just show me what I'm coming back to. OK, then. You can hoist an engine block with that thing... when you get back. Oh, man. Who's there? God, pissing on a beach. It's getting warm. Twister? "Insect secretions. "Insects secrete a variety of substances... "that aid in locomotion, digestion... "hunting of prey, and building of habitats. "In sufficient quantities, the digestive secretions... "would be stronger than concentrated acid. "Habitat secretions would be stronger than steel." Sufficient quantities... from lots and lots of bugs... or 1 big bug... 1 really big bug. Lot of good you'd be against a really big bug. Come on, you guys. Sophi, is that you? Josi? Fumi? This is the kind of spooky crap you like, Belli. Kid stuff. Dick, I'm starting without you. Olives. What's going on? What was that screaming? Jesus, what the hell was that? - A giant bug. - Oh, a giant big? - Giant bug. - Oh, my God, a giant bug. I thought that was impossible, giant bugs. - An alien? - Not from outer space, Fumi. Tenodera aridifolia sinensis ingens. What the hell are you talking about? A praying mantis, a huge one. A mutation, maybe? Can we stop being so matter-of-fact, OK? It's a frickin' giant bug. Oh, my God, Cami. You were right. OK. Giant bugs outside, us inside. I know how this story is gonna end. We have to get out of here. Yeah, right. The bug is out there. Door is stuck. Forget it. We're trapped. They're nesting. Campus security. I'm calling from the Beta Epsilon Gamma chapter house. We are being attacked by giant bugs. "Attacked by giant bugs." Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This is an emergency. I heard you. Look. I told you girls about these prank calls. No. No. She is hurt. We're all hurt... hurt feelings. Our hearts are bleeding for you girls. Go drink a bottle of wine and smoke a joint... and call us in the morning. Jesus, giant bugs. This one goes to the Dean's office. The door is stuck. Break a window. Let's see if this stuff is stronger than steel. Hey, where's Cami? Damn it, what is this stuff? You guys, look. I don't think I can take this anymore. Oh, my God. Jenni. - Oh, my... - I'll get her. Jenni? Jenni? You'll be safe in my room. No, no, no, no. We need to find a way out... the basement, something. They might be down there, too. Let's go in my room. It's nice in there. There's no bugs in my room. What the hell was that outside? What was that downstairs? What? ltchy skin. You're dead, Junior. Wow. That was pretty amazing. I shouldn't have left them. I need to get back to Sophi. I'm sure they're fine. This is a big house. There's lots of places for girls to hide here. You and I have never had a chance to talk, Jennifer. Talked? I didn't think you would care. I see you in a whole new light now. What the hell are you doing? I told you. I have a whole new deeper appreciation for you. This just isn't your day. Sophi. We're down here. Sophi, Josi just bit me. She's biting me. She'll... Jenni! No! Jenni. Jenni. Jenni. No. Jenni. Oh, God. Run! Why? I'm so sick. I'm so hungry. Why is this happening to me? I'm the beautiful one. I'm always the beautiful one. Get away from us, Josi. I just wanted to talk to her. Now look at everything. Go, go. What's wrong with her? Was she eating Jenni? I don't know. I don't know. Did you see all of those maggots on her, Fumi? Cami was right. She knew all along. I didn't listen to anything she said. Whatever it is, Josi, she's completely infested. Cami? Hang tight. We'll have a bite later. Cami, please let me in. Martin, sweetie, so good to hear your voice. Josi? You're being nice to me. What's wrong? Does something have to be wrong for a girl... to be nice to a handsome fella? Hey, listen. This door is stuck. Can you go around back and open me up? Yeah. Sure. Your little friend Creepi will be there. I'll be there, too. Toodles. Cami? Oh, God, she's going after Cami. You remember me, don't you? I was right all along. I was convinced I was right that I made you. Josi killed you, but I made you. So what are you gonna do now? You gonna kill us all? Cami, I'm coming around the back. Martin, go away! She's jammed the door with something. Yeah. OK. I'll take a look. I don't know. It kind of looks like she's jammed a chair... under the door handle or something. The tools. Come on. Let's go. Come on. What is this? We don't have time for that. We need, like, a sledgehammer or chainsaw or something. It's not to cut with. Here, Fumi. OK. Are you ready? We're going to save Cami? Yeah. We're gonna go save Cami. Martin, take my hand. What? ! Take my hand! Help me! Help me! What the hell is that thing? ! What the hell is that thing? ! She's infested, Martin. It's maggots. There's larvae in there. She's a host for them to breed. I always wanted to be a mother... I just didn't think it would happen this soon. And I owe it all to you, Creepi. Are you in any pain? Not as much as you are! You must be flooded with endorphins. Dolphins, maggots... whatever! Cami! Sophi! Are you OK? ! Yeah. I think there's too many of us for it. You mean, it's afraid of us? Well, then, we can take it. No. I mean, insects kill for survival... not for fun. A normal insect would just run away. This isn't a normal insect. That thing was down there. Alone? We killed one of them. Well, Fumi did. The bug! Josi, she walked right past it... and I didn't bite at her or anything. She's a walking bug nursery. You have an idea? Maybe we can use her as a shield. Hey, bitch! I'm kind of past having my feelings hurt... by harsh words, Creepi. Now, do you mind letting me eat in peace? ! Now you look on the outside... like you always looked on the inside... an ugly, festering, rotting bitch! This is just a preview of all your Saturday nights to come. Maggoty cannibal girls don't get dates. Now you've got my attention! Now what... send them a list of demands? What the hell was that? ! The cavalry! Oh, my God! Are we gonna be safe down here? Or are we just going to be backed into a corner... by these things... us with the queen of pus over here? Sophi, when you die... I'm gonna eat you raw! You will eat something even a maggot would not like. Just shut up, OK? We need to figure out how these things are getting around. Insects. They can fly, they can crawl up walls and ceilings... they can cram themselves into little spaces. They've been using the ducts. I don't think those things upstairs... are small enough to come down the ducts. Not as big as they are now... but that's definitely what they've been doing. Their metabolisms must be incredible. God, the amount they must have to eat. I told you, Cami... you're still all into these bugs. It's gross! You know, it really is. OK, what I don't understand then... is what else have they been eating... besides little miss maggot Tina over here? Where are the others? Maybe eating the others. OK, we need weapons. We have to make a stand down here. Great! We're in the basement... surrounded by other people's spare junk. What we need is grenades or machineguns or something. You don't have any hidden in your bedroom, do you? We have our brains. Great. So... why don't you think of something then. I will. I know that insects are attracted to body heat... and carbon dioxide and... body odor. What? ! And they use their antennae to sample the air... to communicate chemical messages. Most insects are almost blind. Like that thing outside. No, a praying mantis can see up to 40 feet... so that on can probably see just about everything. So, if we take away their antennae... Sitting ducks. Of bugs. Whatever. Sitting ducks, but every part of them... is still razor sharp. What we need to do is find a way... to kill all of them at once. Well, we can definitely rule out bug spray... since that's how genius over here... got us into this mess in the first place. I'm not gonna stand here and be insulted. Gross! Oh, Cami, you're so dead! I'm not getting stuck in here. What are you waiting for? ! Go in there and kill her or something! Josi! What the hell's with this door? Open up! Mitch? Is that you, sweetie? Sweetie? What the hell's the matter with you? Just open the door, you idiot. What the hell is that screaming? Someone's being attacked or something. Just open the door, Mitch! Attacked? ! What the hell is going on? ! Just break down the Goddamn door! Thanks, Mitch. You're a real peach. What the hell? Don't blame me. They started it! What are you gonna do, stupid? Run! They'll have to come in one at a time... so just go for the antennae... and keep on hitting them. I don't see anything. Really? Maybe they're hiding. Get out! Run! Cami! God. Cami. I can't believe this. I'm gonna make them pay. Me, too. Any idea how? Oh, God! Wait. Listen. To what? I hear nothing. There's nothing to hear. Maybe they gave up. Maybe we can get out! Oh, no, no, no, no. They're up to something. I know they're up to something. Wait. Listen. You hear that? What are you? ! What are you doing? ! Are you nuts? ! I think it'll be OK. Just be ready. Now! - Oh, my God! - Cami! Oh, Cami. I knew it was you, I... What happened? I don't know. It was no picnic. So, they are blind without them. No. Those are 4 legs. Well, where the hell are they? I don't know. I ran up the stairs, and they scattered. Did they see you? So, they just ran off and let Cami get in here? No, they let us open the door. Pull her in! Shut the door! We can't hold out for long. So, still think we can kick bug butt? Yes. What are we going to do? We're going to take them down like I said... but from here. I don't want to die. You're not gonna die. None of us are going to die. OK, so what's this big plan of yours then? We're gonna lure them to us. Lure them with what? Me. Shut up! We need to look around for things that we can use. OK, if they get in here... it's over. OK. Cool. If they surround us, we're done. We have to attack them first... and then hopefully get them all at once. OK, that sounds great and all... but how? The water cooler. No way! Look, I know what you're thinking. You're only gonna electrocute yourself. I'm wearing rubber-soled shoes. And wearing clothes. For luck. Martin, no! What are you doing? ! I told you to stay back! More bait, better fishing. What is that supposed to mean? I mean... I love you, and anything that gets you... goes through me. You're gonna give me the "just friends" talk, right? If we get out of this alive... I'm gonna rock your world. They're not buying it. There's no way they can know what we're up to. They're not moving on them. I know they think something's up. Not enough bait for them. Wait with the electricity. Fumi! Fumi, no! Now, Sophi! Don't let go! I'm trying... can't get a grip! - Hold her! - Hold me! Yeah! Sophi, enough. Martin, the electricity's off. With the static electricity, she might still get shocked. Put her down. I meant put her down. Wow, Fumi, you really saved our butts back there. Funny you should say that. Do it and die! That was so hot. The mantis. Ready? Spear! I think it's inside now. Oh, hell. You go, girl! No, you go! I'll hold him off! Distract it! - Hey, bug! - Over here! - Over here! - Come here! - I said here! - Hey, bug! Come on over here! I'm gonna kick your ass! Come here, over here! Hey, bug! Look at me! - Come on! - Hey! Martin, make some noise. Now, you're going in the pool! Get in the pool! Die, girl, die! I hate you, Cami. This is you "A." Cami, die! Die, Cami, die! Die, Cami! - Die! - Oh. Cami! Die, die, girl. Die. I hate you, Cami! She's done. Look. There's a car. Kind of messy though. What's wrong? With insects, it's all about survival of the species. They'll die to ensure the species continues. They aren't individuals. Meaning, even if we killed all of them... if they managed to lay a single batch of eggs somewhere... the species goes on and they win. I wish I knew how many there were. Well, that's the point. How many there were? You did it, little sister. And you really grew out of your shell, too. Bugs can adapt and change in a heartbeat. They do what they have to in order to survive. They adapt to conditions... they become immune to pesticides... they change their feeding habits... they become parasites with human hosts. You can never really beat them. Previously, on "The L Word." Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone - ..is sleeping with everyone else? - Because they are. Do you know the neighbors next door? Are they, um, a gay couple? Yeah, they are. - Because I saw them having sex in their pool. - We're having a party tomorrow night. - You and Tim should come. - Jenny, this is Marina. You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance quiz. - Where are you? - I'm right here. You're getting married? - Are you happy? - Don't ask me that. Why couldn't you stop it, why what it so hard! What happened between us was a terrible mistake. Did you hear what she said? We need to get a divorce. - Are you free on Saturday night? - I have a date. - Has she... told you she's a dyke? - I should probably be the one to go. - Gene, no, I should go. No, I don't want either of you to leave. Ever notice that every time Shane walks into a room,... - .. someone leaves crying? - I don't do relationships. - Tell me what you want. - In terms of what you can do for me? - Are you in love with her? - Yeah. You gotta learn to keep it in your pants. - Open the gate! - I never wanna see you again! - Listen! Listen to me! - It was a delusion. - You felt the same way about me. - That kind of love does not exist. - I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have? - She has nipple confidence - Hey! - You don't understand what it means to be me. So, so glad to meet you. I'm Tonya, your guest liason. I'm here to take care of all your needs. I can't believe I'm about to go down on Dana Fairbanks. That girl has bad fucking vibes. When are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy? I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman. Big tits. - We're getting married! - You can't marry Tonya. Look, if you ever need anyone to talk to, give me a call. She wants to be your husband. If you were a man, you would be the perfect man Wow. - Let's make a baby. - I have found the perfect donor. How could you not tell me that Marcus Allenwood is black? - We're gonna have a baby. - I was unable to locate a heartbeat. I was only twelve weeks and I feel like I lost someone I was with my whole life. All I've wanted to do all day long was kiss you. - I can't. - You can't what, babe? Take me somewhere. - I saw it. - I'm sorry. Fuck you! Fuck you! - I can't believe this is happening. When we did this, I thought I had a certain amount of security. Whether it worked or not,... ..I thought Bette and I were solid. - When were you planning to tell Bette? - Right about now. If everything looked like it was going to go well, and nothing was gonna go wrong like last time... I didn't think Bette could handle another miscarriage. No? Oh my. Well. Look at you. Yeah, just sort of, uh... ... just popped. I'm not ready to tell anybody. I wanna keep it to myself for a while. - Well, that's not gonna be easy, my dear. - Looks like I'm having this baby on my own. Now that's a shame, Tina. - Don't say that. People do it all the time. - And you're okay with that? I want this baby more than ever. The L Word 2x01 "Life, Loss, Leaving" I'm so happy to have you here. - Hello? - Hi. Hey. Where did you go? What's going on? Dammit... why did I get this assignment? I'm so not a knitter. Well, it's crazy popular and all the fags I know are doing it. Even some of the straight boys, too. Right! See? Men should be knitting,... and women should be running the world. That's how I see it. That's what I'm gonna write for L.A. Magazine. It's good. Yeah, go for it, they'll love it. - How's Tina? - Well, Bette still hasn't called her. There's something really wrong when God lets two people who are meant to be together come apart like that. You believe in God? What? This coffee tastes like poopie shit! Where's Marina? - I haven't seen her for days, I have no idea. - I don't know, I haven't either. So listen, do you, um... you wanna talk about anything, or... 'cause that's what friends are for. If you'd like to talk. No, I got nothing to talk about. - Shane. - What? - Aw, quit bein' such a lez! - Well, what! - You're just back from Cherie Jaffe-land? - Nothing's changed, I'm still me. Ohhh, so you still live by the code. You don't do relationships. It's not a code, it's me. Oh, shit. Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset. Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... .. obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting. Guys, you guys! This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina? What? A nervous breakdown, complete and total, she had to be hospitalized. - She tried to off herself? - She slit her wrists, at the Bel Air Hotel, in the penthouse suite. - That's horrible! - She was wearing that fabulous Dolce - Gabana suit, the men's cut. - We should see her. - Too late. Her mother put on a plane,... ..she's back in Milan. She's a contessa, you know. I know, she's a contessa, Marina's a contessa. Honey! Honey! Honey, honey, come here! Hi... I was just telling the girls how I almost became your future ex-wife last night. Oh! Kinda freaked out with the wedding planners. Excuse me, we need a green tea! Iced! - Are you okay? - Hunh? Yeah! - Ummm, freaked out. About... Marina. - Oh yeah, thank God for the bell boy. - He came in right as she was about to jump. - Wait, wait, you said she slit her wrists. Look at you! All sweaty! Isn't it cute how she perspires so much? So how's Tina? Has Bette called yet? Apparently, she walked in on them in their very own bedroom. Okay! Miss Inside Story. How did Tina find out? Well, actually, Tonya, um, she guessed, ... because she saw them touching hands, and then... she knew everything. How could she tell just by seeing them touch hands? - Women can do that. - Yeah, especially dykes. Well, I don't know what Bette was thinking. I mean, ... you don't step out on a woman like Tina for somebody who hammers planks for a living. Oh my... ! What're you saying, Tonya? That it would've been okay if Candace had a better job? - Guys, it's not our business. - But Bette loves Tina, there's no doubt about it! So then, they could just - why can't they work it out? 'Cause of the sex thing, and Bette can't help it. So if it's just a sex thing then, you can, get it under control, right? Women can control it. Men sometimes can't because they're controlled by their peckers. There is no difference between men and women... ..and this is a perfect example or Bette would've called it off. - Bette is still schtuping the carpenter? ! - God, I feel so awful for Tina. - Guys. - Well, Bette better get that pecker under control! Guys! You know those skinny, Japanese ones? They don't really look like mushrooms, you know,... they kinda look more like noodles, or something. I never um... uh, what to... ... do with them. Wha? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What were you saying? - Uh, I was talking about mushrooms. - Right. Right, right, right. - Do you like mushrooms? - Selectively. You? Uh... they - they really do scare me. Ah, I remember in third grade, there was this beautiful girl - God. Gorgeous. Her name was, uh... Miriam, and she had this wild mushroom, and just was in the hospital for like three weeks, and had this allergic reaction and... God, she missed the relay race, and... I've never actually seen onions on a stem before. Do they taste different? Smell them. Oh. That's very strong. Do you wanna fuck her right here, or, do you both wanna come back to my place? - Gene! No, no. I'm sorry. - 'Cause I don't think my roommate's home - Okay. What's going on? Look, I didn't press you into this. Alright. You said you wanted to keep seeing me. So. - Yeah, I know, I know. - What is it? - And I said that I like you. Well that's really nice, you know. I like you, too. But we don't have sex. Okay? There it is. I'd like to be having sex with the woman I cook for... make mix-tapes for you, you don't wanna have sex! And... I know why! It's because you're gay. Alright? That's it! I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are a girl-loving, full-on lesbian! - I don't think that's for you to say. - Well, deal with it. Alright? Good luck. - Are we ever gonna talk about this? - Talk about what? Okay. Hold on. It was a mistake, right? - If you say so. - Well, what about you,... - ..you don't have anything to say? - You're the one who kissed me first. I do remember you kissing me back. After you started it. So if I was to kiss you again? Oh. You know. Oh... Alice will know. Alice, Al, what's the uh... booking agency. Not Smash Box, but, you know. - Uh, Fred Segal Hair and Makeup? - Tonya, listen, it's cool. Alright. The agency is fine. They got me a job. - Who's the client? - Ariana, someone. Ariana Huffington? Yeah. She um... she wrote a book. She's doing a book tour, and she's doing all these TV talk shows. David Letterman, Jay Leno, Bill O'Reilly? C'mon! Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. - She's kinda fancy. - I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her. Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would. Well in that case, if she's hot... Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington. You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane! - Her hair. - Ah. Look, it's great, Shane. If things go well with Ariana Huffington, then... maybe you can get some film clients. You could go on location, you could travel... - Yeah, that'd be cool. - Yeah. That's great. I gotta go, you guys. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask to join you. know that you all probably think that I'm a monster. I just - I have something that I need to say to Tina. - Do you want us to go? - No. If you have something to say, say it here. Tina... I didn't try to... see you, or... call you until now because I wanted to make sure... tha I could do what you asked of me. I promise. I am not going to ever see her again, I am not ever going to speak to her again, I am not ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I need you. And I don't think that I can... I don't think that I can live without you. It is completely and totally over. When did you end it? This morning, and I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must've gone temporarily insane. Did you tell her in person? Or on the phone? Why does that matter? Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM. And your car wasn't there. Did you fuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life this morning? ! So rentals is the cash cow of the business, but my real love is picture cars. - Picture cars? - Yeah. For the movies? Oh, yeah. A director will come in and tell me he wants to put Billy Bob in the exact... --souped-up, Hemi under-glass Bob Riggle drove in the stock car races in Jersey... when he was a kid, you know? He'll want the slicks, and the scoops... ..and the Pink Panther flames, exactly like he remembers it in his head. Ivan, you are speaking a foreign language to me. And you know what that does to a girl. Let's go inside, I got something I wanna show ya. C'mon. By driving into the wall at a hotel parking garage? Doesn't sound like a very serious suicide attempt to me. Well, that's the talk at The Planet. You know,... I feel so bad, because... I didn't know she was hurting that much. I know. I know. Let go, and let God. "Ivan Aycock: vintage restorer to the stars". That's the bomb! I had no idea. - This is your office. - Look, I invited you here because... .. I have a little present for you. - Oh, Ivan, I - can't. - It's not what you think. Open it. Okay? This is a key to my apartment. I live two blocks from The Planet. I just want you to feel free to stop by anytime you need a break from work. Oh... I mean, it's not a done deal yet. I still have to go to the bank tomorrow, and have my meeting, and then ... I have a lot to work on with Marina's family. Her mom was some kinda damn contessa. She may be a contessa. But as far as I'm concerned... Kit, you're a queen. Don't you forget it. What's this one for? That looks like my car. Sorta. - I did a little work on it. - A little! Ah! A little restoration to help you celebrate getting your license restored. No one's ever done anything like that for me. I don't know how to thank you. - Not yet. - Why? Because you're not sure. And I want you... ..to be sure. C'mon, gorgeous. Let's go take it for a spin. C'mon. Oooh, yes. Ah, it looks fabulous. Wow. So, Oberlin's supposed to be a really great school. Yeah, it's a great team. Coach Haspel! You know, they want me there a week from Monday, so I figure I'd give myself five days to drive to Ohio. Hey. Are you still gonna get your teaching certificate? Maybe. You find an apartment yet? - No. It's so depressing, Tim. - You should stay here. - Take over the lease. God's limitless capacity to forgive. You know? He knew we'd feel guilty all the time, so he gave us a way to deal with it. - Well, that' beautiful. - And, um, in the spirit of confession, I should probably tell you that Kevin and I are dating. He's been too freaked out to tell you. Oh... Yeah. So, the key is the sacraments are an outward sign of inner grace. Is this weird for you? It's weird for you. No. No, no... it's terrific. Because he... he's so cute... and sensitive. - I mean, he listens... - Ok. All right. Ab... absolutely. L... let's just go back to confession. Well, I'm not gonna tell you in details, if that's what you mean. Ok, um...confession. Shut up. Why are you here? Well, because we are creatures with a conscience. But you...? Victim of the ruling class. Hear ye, hear ye. Mock trial is now in session. I'm Mr. Harbison, civics teacher and legal enthusiast. He even has his own gavel. This is gonna be ugly. If he pulls out one of those giant wigs, I'm out of here. You're Polk. Miss Hoder sent you because you're failing history. Not failing. Refusing to answer questions about our so-called justice system, which everyone knows is a corrupt capitalist farce. E xcellent. You'll be the defense attorney. Wha... no. I just want to do my time and leave. Not without a fair trial. Ha ha ha ha. Mock trial was created by the American bar association in order to teach youngsters how the court system works. A hypothetical case is assigned, using the time-tested structure of a well-known fairy tale. In this case, "Jack and the beanstalk". Wait. We're trying Jack? From Jack and the beanstalk? For the murder of the giant. I don't understand. I mean, Jack obviously did it. Any 5-year-old knows that. It was self-defense, dude. The giant was trying to eat him. Jack broke in and stole stuff. That's breaking and entering and a murder one. Am I hearing the sound of a prosecutor? Oh, no. I... sorry. I can't help myself. My dad's a cop. You'll need this. - A basic approach to law. - Oh. You know, I really don't want to. Welcome to mock trial, counselor. Detective? - Detective Girardi? - Yeah. Yeah. I recognize you from the tv. I'm James Karon. Yes. The front desk said you had some information about the hoyt girl? I killed her. It was me. I don't get it. I mean... why would I kill a giant? He had food. You were oppressed... poor. She roped you in? You're gonna be Jack? - I don't think I said yes. - Oh... you are so guilty. She says I'm not responsible for my actions. - Right. - Yeah. My client was a working man exploited by the interests of the wealthy, i.e. one Mr. Giant. Huh. You're actually getting into this. I'm gonna prove law doesn't apply to the common man, and Hoder is going to regret the day she sent me to mock trial. See you in court councellor. Hey, look. Bonnie's got a new boyfriend. Eww. How weird does he have to be? Yeah. So you're not gonna mind if I tear you apart on the stand, are you, my little felon? I'm a victim. Oh, hey, I know another place we can go for... our anniversary. - The Unurban? Remember that coffee shop that exhibited your stuff? - Oh, yeah, sure. Wherever you want. Oh, man, uh... I'm supposed to be at work at 4:00. I hope Michael's paying you overtime. You've been working like crazy. I have to pay my defense attorney. I'll call you later, ok? You're goin' down, Jack. You're goin' down. Come on! You better prepare. This trial could get personal, Joan. Reality check. Shouldn't God be able to remember this is a fake trial about a fairy tale? Symbols and metaphors can stir up a lot of passion. You know, wars have been waged over what a flag represents. Is this about Grace? Because she doesn't even believe in the legal system. Oh. Am I supposed to let her win to show her how important this all is? Would it be right to let a guilty person go free? So I should wipe her out? What was the murder weapon? A knife. I don't know how long it was. 8 inches, maybe. Stainless steel. You'll find it under the floorboards in my kitchen with the shirt I was wearing. How many times did you stab her? 5, I think. And where on her body did you stab her? - Look, do we have to talk about this? - Yes. Yes, we do. In the stomach and the chest. And once in the back. That was the first time. I didn't want to touch her face. She was... she was so pretty. I saw that woman... her mother, on tv. I saw what I did to her. The... the pain and suffering that I caused. I just couldn't live with it anymore. Hmm. Did you know that if you admit you did something, it's less of a crime than if you deny it? I didn't know it was the last piece of cheese. Kill me. Interesting. A guilty conscience always rises to the surface. I was actually talking about mock trial. What... - What is that? - A dagwood. A sandwich named for the husband of the long-running comic strip blondie. See, his constant hunger - could only be satiated by making a foot-tall sandwich. - Ooh, Grace was right. Some things just should not be remembered. Look, when you're done inhaling the entire deli section, I'm gonna need your geek services - in compiling some data. - Sorry Joan, I'm already serving as legal advisor to the defense. You're helping Grace? ! What happened to "blood is thicker than water"? Got trumped by make-out sessions in the biology closet. Well, that leaves you on the losing team. Jack is totally guilty. My question is can I up the charges? Murder in the commission of a felony carries LWOP "life without parole". Don't you think it's weird that you're prosecuting your boyfriend? - Can it, Sigmund. - No, really. This sounds like a classic case of playing out latent feelings of - resentment and aggression. - Things are fine. It's our anniversary. Yeah. But I know how weird it was when you two... went away for the night. I don't think you should be the one hosting loveline. Your love life consists of making out next to jars of pickled frogs. Adam and I are fine. You don't have to go. My parents won't be home for a long time. I think it'd be nice sometime to talk. You know about Joan. I didn't lie about anything. Ok? Yeah, I know. It's cool. So, I tried to go to sleep, but I just laid there thinking about the case. How you just have to pay for what you did. I mean, Mrs. Giant gave you food, but you still... - went back and stole from her. - Jane. you and Grace have to get a grip, ok? It's not real. Well, we'll be in court. And then it will be personal. Grace is going to see that laws have a purpose. Good luck. She's going at this like she's bringing down Enron. She's just justifying immoral behavior because of a past injustice. That's a society based on revenge, like... before the magna carta. - actually, it's in this book, which is pretty cool... - Excuse me. Hey, watch it, moron! Are you ok? Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Jane. An airbrush? Yeah. Anniversary present. I was going to give it to you on Friday night. I've been saving up for this for months. Well, I didn't want to have to watch you drool in the art supply store anymore. What's wrong? You look like you're gonna hurl. I thought you said we weren't getting each other big presents. I know, but you've been working so hard, and I wanted you to have it. Don't I get a hug? Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Hoyt. Have you caught him? A man came in yesterday and confessed. His story matches the details of the crime. The lab ran tests on his shirt and the murder weapon. They found blood and hair that matches Melissa's. Have you, uh... ever seen him before? So just like that, it's over. He's gonna be arraigned tomorrow. So Melissa will get justice. I guess that's all I can hope for... knowing that he's been caught. I, uh... I haven't been able to let my little boy go to school. You know, I mean I just kept thinking... he was... yeah. Maybe now. Maybe now. Thank you. - Preparing the case, Joan? - Oh ! - Yes. Does god want to sit second chair? - Oh oh. This one you're gonna have to figure out for yourself. Oh, well, there's a first. I can't believe they're going for self-defense. He so killed that guy. Everyone has their own rationale for why things happen. Yeah, and sometimes things are either wrong or right. You said so yourself. Yes, but figuring it out can be a real trial. - Cute. - Thanks. You see, a trial is just an outward representation of what goes on inside people all the time. The moral debate: Am I good or bad? How do I behave in this or that situation? It's a state of examination where hopefully, you find the truth. Have I done something that I don't know about? I shouldn't bother you anymore, you have a lot to do. No. See, if you answer the question then you're not bothering me. Knock 'em dead, Matlock. Matlock? ! What are you, like a million? Oh, that's right. You are. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. That sounds so old-school. How long has it been since your last confession? Father Ken, is that you? Helen? Oh, what a surprise. Is everything ok? Oh, yeah. Um, I'm... I'm back in catechism class, and, uh, we're covering confessions, so I though I'd do a field trip. Wonderful. So, uh, how long has it been? Um... I'm not sure of the exact date, but... Ford had just pardoned Nixon, so I felt inspired. I see. Well, welcome back. Um... why don't we skip the Reagan and the Clinton years, and we'll start with something more recent. Sometimes I nap through planning period at school... a few times. I'm sure God understands. What else? And... sometimes I give students A's when they only deserve B's. - That's about it. Thanks. - Helen... Ok, but, um, can we do this somewhere else? I feel like I'm in the exorcist. Please state your name for the record. Jack. My last name isn't beanstalk, is it? No. Profession? Farmer. Why did your mother ask you to sell your cow? I can't do it, Grace. I can't do this right now. Are you gonna bail on me? Hey. - Did your girlfriend get to you? - No. It's just... What? I cheated on Joan. Say something. What? I mean what do you want from me? It was just sex, a couple of times. It didn't mean anything. And you had to tell me this, why? I don't know. But I had to tell someone. I figured you'd understand. I mean, you're the one with the whole view on relationships not being possessive and everything. So I'm supposed to tell you it's ok? Well...yeah. - Yeah... I know... I don't know... - Look, dude, don't drag me into this. So you think people are supposed to own each other? It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what you think and what Girardi thinks, and I think you know what that's gonna be. I'm sorry, ok, but it's over. It was Bonnie, and... No, no, no. I don't want details. You're not going to say anything, are you? No... but thanks for putting me in the middle of this. I've missed this in my life. So I've been overtaken by these angry, negative feelings about a certain ex-nun. Anger can be very destructive. What am I supposed to feel? She's dating my son... and it's weird, and it feels wrong and awful, and I hate it, and I want them to stop. So you want to put your happiness before theirs? I want them both to be happy. I do. Just not with each other. Because your son could get hurt. No, because... I could lose Lily, and she's... she's more than a teacher. She's a friend. A nasty, abrasive... honest friend, and I need that. And when their relationship ends, and it will... I have to take Kevin's side. So what's that gonna do to our friendship? Oh, god, I'm such a horrible person. I feel... so guilty. Guilt is the spiritual equivalent of physical pain, and like pain, things go horribly wrong when we ignore it. I'm not ignoring it. I confessed. So why don't I feel better? It's not enough to just say it, Helen. Confession only works if it's accompanied by change. How about a few "hail Mary's"? Sorry. I'll do a lot of them. 100. - Hi. - Hey. I thought you were "special projecting". No, no. I'm not doing that anymore. Did something happen with Michael? No. No, it's just finished. Oh, well, that's great, right? Yeah. Because now we can spend more time with each other. Oh... Mmm. Wow. You should finish special projects more often. Pop tarts? Not exactly brain food. Let me make you some eggs. Oh, uh, no time. I have to be in court this afternoon. That sounds so cool, doesn't it? As long as it's not Juvie. No. Mock trial. Jack is going down. Tough going up against a self-defense claim. The giant was chasing Jack, right? That's Jack's story. Everyone takes his word for it because the giant is this total mean, scary ogre, but Jack stole his golden goose. Well, the family was hungry. There are mitigating circumstances. Jack's family is starving, so he trades their only cow in for 5 crummy beans? Gimme a break. Stupidity is not a crime. Maybe he's not stupid. Maybe he knows those beans will take him to the giant's castle. You're arguing it was premeditated. If he was starving, why didn't he harvest the beans? I mean, why did he have to climb that stalk instead? Textbook breaking and entering. Exactly. He takes what he wants, kills the giant, pleads self-defense. Sweet young Jack is a stone cold killer. - Nice job, counselor. - Thank you. You know, you can't take anything at face value. There's always something else going on. That's mock trial handout 3-F. Bye, dad. So I... I called Spumoni, and they don't take reservations, but, I, uh, told the guy in the back I'd pay him 10 bucks - if he didn't bus the corner table for us. - Oh, That'll cost more than the whole dinner. Well, I wanted to remember it exactly how it was. Like we were... Stop fraternizing with the enemy, Rove. I hope you're ready, because the prosecution is locked and loaded. You don't know the real Jack. Save it for the trial. Ok, I found another legal precedent for your defense, if other fairy tales are admissible. Good luck, dead man. Your I.D. badge. I don't even get a name? You know who you are. Please hang on to that. Hmm. Bailiff God. I figured that you would be the judge or something. Actually, I'd prefer to stick to the sidelines, maintain a sense of order. You know, if I'm supposed to, um... hold back for Grace's sake, you should probably tell me now. Otherwise, she's going down. I would never ask you to compromise what you believe to be right. Sounds like there's a "but" in there. These proceedings are about justice. You know, it's a powerful force. It has the power to reveal the true nature of things, as well as the value of innocence. But he's guilty, right? Hear ye, hear ye. Mock trial is now in session. We are happy to welcome a real superior court judge, the honorable Patricia Claymore... Who will be presiding. Someone rob the good humor man? Got it from my nephew's birthday. Forgot he's lactose intolerant. Want a piece? Can't celebrate just yet. I've been going over all the evidence in the Hoyt case. - Problem? - No. Blood splatters on the shirt, fibers, murder weapon. - It all adds up. - I though that's what we were going for, being cops and all. Yeah. Except the guy. It was too easy, him walking in like that. First timer, suffers remorse, turns himself in. It happens. He did everything but type up the report. Can you stop eating for a minute? Sorry. Was I eating? Yeah. I wanna send the knife back to the lab. - Will, blood's a match. - I know. I want them to look at it again, as if it's all we've got. Sure. Mrs. Giant, I know this must be a very difficult time for you right now, but can you please tell us what happened when Jack came to your house? I let him in. He said he was hungry, so I gave him breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast, some juice. Big meal. Then what happened. Um, after my husband came home and went to take his nap, Jack grabbed our golden goose and ran out of the house. My husband chased after him. He loved that goose. He just wanted it back. This is about more than a pet goose. This is about oppression. History has shown that the rapacious ruling class will always exploit the poor unless someone rises up. Objection! She's making a speech, right? Sustained. Get off the soap box and ask your question, counselor. When Mr. Giant came home, what did you ask Jack to do? I... I told him to hide in the cupboard. Hmm. Why? My husband was a jealous man. He had a temper! So you were afraid that he would kill Jack if he saw him. Rebuttal, Ms. Girardi. Yes, I just have one thing. Mrs. Giant, you said your husband was napping when Jack snuck out of the cupboard. Um... so when did Mr. Giant wake up? When Jack was running out with our golden goose. It squawked. So, if Jack hadn't stolen the goose, he would've escaped without ever waking up Mr. Giant, and none of us would be here today, isn't that correct? Objection. Leading the witness. Overruled. Answer the question, Ma'am. Absolutely. Yes. Nice job, counselor, but wait until my cross-examination. You're toast, bean boy. I don't know. Grace is on fire. Law is such a joke. You can manipulate it however you want. Well, I can. Well, there are still absolutes. And there's such a thing as innocence and guilt. Says who? Says very important people. Can we talk? I'm kind of busy. Hi, Bonnie. Are you, ok? You can give me 2 minutes. I think I deserve that. What's going on? What was that all about? Nothing. Um, I... well, I lost some of her art supplies. She's a freak. Adam... Please return to the courtroom! Court is back in session. Your witness, Ms. Girardi. Um... Jack, I understand you... sold your cow. Why? It wasn't making milk anymore. And what did you get for it? Some magic beans. I was hungry. Is that why you... climbed up to the giant's house? Yeah, I was hungry. Hungry? Yeah, hungry. I... I already said that. So maybe it was your hunger that diminished your mental capacity. You weren't thinking clearly. Yeah, that's right. That would explain why you... stole the goose from the giant, because if you were thinking clearly, you would have realized how much you were risking by going over there. Right? I guess. But you needed to satisfy your hunger. It's all you were thinking about, right? Yeah. But, um... But, um... Isn't she leading the witness? Shouldn't you object or something? You're lying. It's not like that. Mrs. Giant had just given you a huge breakfast, isn't that right? - Yeah. - So you weren't really hungry when you stole the giant's goose, were you? You just took it because you wanted it. That's the only reason, isn't it? I'll rephrase the question. Do you believe that just because you want something, that that means it is ok for you to take it no matter what the consequences are? Answer the question! I didn't think that far ahead. Did you need to steal the goose to survive, or did you just want it? I felt like I needed it. You stole the goose, and you didn't care who you hurt in the process, did you? Jane... it wasn't like that. Then what was it like? What? ! Objection. Badgering the witness. I'm done. The prosecution rests. So, we ran a few tests on your knife. The murder weapon? Funny thing is, Mr. Karon, the edge is clean. If that knife would have done what you say, it would've hit bone. The edge would've shown damage, even slight. The knife you gave us was the same as the murder weapon, but it wasn't the murder weapon. You worked for a temp agency as a janitor. We checked with them this morning. March 29, you were assigned to the coroner's office. Isn't that correct? Yeah. The night Melissa Hoyt's body was brought there. You knew where all the wounds were, how the body was found, you had access to the hair and the blood samples. She looked so little, lying there on that table. And that room was so cold. And I kept thinking to myself, "there's somebody's baby." And those people... they just lost their child, and all they wanted was an answer. And I wanted to help them. I lost my little girl. One day, she just died. Her heart stopped. She was 3-years old. No one could tell me why. And I couldn't live with that. I couldn't live with the fact that I had no answer. I left my house one day, and I just... it just... I never really did anything with my life. You know, I just... I just wanted to help these people. I just wanted to give them an answer, that's all. I'm sorry. See? The law is precise, Grace. It has a mathematical construct into which the moral variables must be placed. - I mean, your idealism has no part in it. - Zip it, dude. Congratulations, Ms. Girardi. Quite an achievement for a novice. Thanks, feels good. Well... seems like everybody knows something but me. I'm definitely out of the loop here. I think we should leave you two alone. Yeah, I think so, too. I always trusted you. I am so sorry. It didn't mean anything. It was just a hook-up, and I thought that's the way it would be. I thought... I just kept thinking that it... that it could stay like that. That it could just be about sex. Sex? You had sex with Bonnie? Because I wouldn't? No. I don't know. I... it kind of just happened, I mean... I love you, Jane. I love you so much. Nobody will ever be what you are to me, and if I could take it back, then... I understand why you don't wanna have sex, ok? But I... I just thought that with Bonnie... Shut up. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear you try to convince yourself that what you do was ok. How long have you been lying to me? I wanted to tell you. And I just... I just wanna get over this. You don't understand. We're not gonna get over this. You gave her a... a part of yourself... because I wouldn't sleep with you? But you had my heart, Adam. And that's what you took with you when you went to... hook up with her. Jane. No, we're done. It's over. You knew and you didn't tell me. That's your idea of justice? I don't interfere. You know that. Yeah, well maybe free will wasn't such a great idea. I believed in him. I know. That's what makes it hurt so much. - What did I do to deserve this? - Nothing. This isn't punishment, Joan. It's simply part of being alive, of being involved, of loving. Yeah. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm never doing that again. I know how painful this is. But what you and Adam had was beautiful, too. And that was every bit as real as the pain that you're feeling now. You experienced how deeply two people can be connected. So what do I learn when someone I trust destroys all that, huh? Maybe it was never real. Maybe you're not even real, you know? This whole morality thing, right and wrong, it's all just junk. We're all just animals, taking what we want. - Do you know what innocence is, Joan? - You know, I don't want a mock trial right now. Well, it's more than an absence of guilt. It's having faith that there's goodness in the... in the face of cruelty and pain. Someplace, you still feel that way. And that's me. And I'll always be there. Oh, honey. This is ridiculous. Well, keep complaining about it and we may get there faster. Well, couldn't we have met these people on a tropical beach planet populated by tall blonde women, hmm? Whoever wants to speak with us obviously values their privacy. Yes, well I value my time, and this is a waste of it. What's a waste of time is listening to you, Rodney. This is the mission. Yeah, well it strikes me that this is a mission better suited to one of the, uh, lower echelon teams. Lower echelon? He means to say less important. We got a tip from one of Teyla's contacts; we're following it up. And this is like, what? The umpteenth tip we've followed up in search of a ZedP.M.? Rodney. Look, I just wanna make it clear that every second I am out of my lab is a second the galaxy goes without another groundbreak... We have to get them to the Gate before their people realise they are missing. You guys OK? Oh yeah, fine! Seems like a whole lot of trouble to go through just to get us to dinner. Not a talkative bunch, are you? We'll release you from your bindings if you promise not to attack us. Sure. Yeah. We promise. Before we untie them, they have to know they're among friends. Ford? Thought I was dead, didn't you, Sheppard? Guys. Guys, please -- eat. Eat. Wildmen, this used to be my team. Well, not this one, but I think he's OK too. What is all this? Some local vegetables; a sorta alligator thingy. It tastes like salted meat, it's good, try it. I'm not talkin' about the food. What the hell is going on? Who are these men? And why bring us here like this? Whoa. That's a lot of questions. Pick one. "Pick one". That's good. Where'd you find him, Sheppard? Maybe you should start with how you manage to escape Wraith dart? What? I get nervous, I get hungry. OK. The Dart. Ford! You're not gettin' off this planet! I have no idea how long I was in the Dart. Next thing I knew I was on a cruiser and I was awake. It's the enzyme. Makes you almost immune to the Wraith stunner so when you're dematerialized from the Wraith Dart, you're awake as opposed to, uh as opposed to dead. I cut open its enzyme pouch, took my fill, made my way off the ship. You can get around pretty easy on a Wraith ship. They're not used to people making it aboard, so there's next to no security. I walked off with enough enzyme to last me a little while. Tracked down the Stargate, dialed the first friendly address I could remember. Need a place to stay, hot meal. What have you got to trade? What'll that get me? No weapons. So? What'll that get me? I still don't really understand. Look at me. I got shot - - I healed. I can see farther, clearer than I ever saw before. I told them about the enzyme, how it makes you stronger, more aware, more resilient; how it'd give us a fighting chance against the Wraith. I mean, look at me. Look at me! I walked off a Wraith cruiser! It works! I wanna try it. Wait a second. All your people here -- all your men -- they're on the enzyme? Of course. No! We don't do it like that any more. Let's get him back home. As our numbers kept growing, we needed more and more of the enzyme. Nice work. Thank you. This should give us a steady stream of the enzyme. Time to focus on some bigger issues. Aiden, d'you mean to tell us that there are live Wraith here, in this cave? That's right. The Wraith can communicate with each other over a distance. But not between stars. They'd have to be in this solar system. You taught me that. Yes, well, good for me. What's the matter? They can't communicate if they're unconscious. Why'd you jump us? Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that. It was the only way to get you here. Why didn't you just tell us where you were? You know we would have come. Yeah, you and a Special Ops team. No, no. I know you think I'm crazy. I brought you all here to show you that you're wrong. I mean, do I look crazy? Do I seem out of control? Are we speaking in relative terms or, um ...? Look, Jace here has really fine-tuned the enzyme. We know how to administer it now, how to regulate it, refine it. We've gotten so good, we can even lace food with it. 'Scuse me? Congratulations. You just had your first dose. What? ! I thought long and hard about how to show you that the enzyme was safe, to convince you that it was the first step to defeating the Wraith. So you can convince Weir, convince the military. Are you out of your mind? Hey, settle down, McKay. No, I will not settle down! I've been drugged against my will, you little punk! You should not have done this, Aiden. Hey, be as mad as you want. Couple of days, you'll be thankin' me. We'll have a good laugh about this. Now eat up. I'm itchy. I'm itchy all over. This is exactly what happened when I toked pot once in college! Everyone stay put. Let him go. Ford, look. I know what you're trying to do. I get it, I do. But you're goin' about this all wrong. Weir isn't gonna listen to us if we're all hopped up on the enzyme. Your food was clean. Why? Why me? You're gonna be the witness. You're gonna be the one to tell Weir that her most trusted team is takin' the enzyme and is better because of it. Look, buddy. Why don't you come back with us, have Beckett look you over, huh? That's the best proof. No. No, I've thought this through. This is the plan. Look, I don't know what you're thinking ... You're free to roam around as much as you want. You're all part of the team now. OK, so why aren't these guys watching us? Ronon is right. They went to great trouble to get us here -- why would they allow us to leave? Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Oh, that little bastard! There it goes. This is what I was afraid of. What'd he do? He's taken all the necessary control crystals. Something I showed him how to do on a mission, I might add. Well, that's not good. That is the under-statement of the year. Alright! See what you can do. OK, why don't we just take 'em? All we've gotta do is get our hands on one stunner. I can take 'em all. Maybe, but if we mess it up, whatever trust we might have been given will disappear. You wanna make them trust us? We play it cool, we let 'em get comfortable. They're bound to make a mistake. And in the meantime? We play along. How are you guys feeling? I didn't eat that much - - I feel fine. Perhaps if we were able to fast, they would be unable to administer the enzyme. I doubt that. I don't think they would have a problem forcing us. Yeah, well, this thing is useless, and I ate my face off and I can tell you, I can feel it working. There's a good possibility that everything you're feeling at the moment might be psychosomatic. Oh, is that right, Professor Science? Is that your expert opinion? Yes, it is. Well, I can tell you -- when they up the dosage, the side effects will be very real and very unpredictable. You're back early. Uh, Jenev is kind of a closed society. Very polite, and very courteous, but completely uninterested in having anything to do with us. Well, better that than hostile, I suppose. Colonel Sheppard's team, three hours overdue. Wouldn't be the first time. Any radio contact? None since they left. Well, you know those guys. What do I know about those guys? Just that they tend to get all caught up in whatever it is they're doing, and sometimes they don't check in. They forget how much you worry. ... That we worry -- collectively, I mean. Yes, we do. Yeah. We do. OK, you guys, it looks like we're headin' back out. Thank you, Major. You're welcome. Seriously, I'm getting, uh, I'm getting, uh, chills and hot flashes, chills and hot flashes again and again. None of you are feeling that? The enzyme's side effects are gonna be the least of his concerns if he keeps this up. I know -- just be patient. Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me. I know! Sheppard, Teyla! Kanayo's running a mission off-world. I want you to go with him. Why? We're running an op. Thought you might wanna see the men in action. Sure! Whenever you need us. Just give us some weapons and ... Nice try. No, you're gonna hang back and watch with Kanayo. Don't worry -- you won't be in any danger. That's a load off my mind. Good. What about us? Jace'll give you the grand tour -- show you what we've done with the place. How's that sound? Huh, that sounds delightful. Good, good. Then if Colonel Sheppard tries anything off-world, you'll be nice and close for me to kill you both. Can't think of a better way of spending the afternoon. Move! Looks like he's itching to go. Are those guards Genii? Yes. What exactly are we doing here? There are Genii spies all over the galaxy. If for whatever reason one of them can't make it back to the Genii homeworld, their leaders have established safe houses. If they need a place to reload on gear, or a place to hide, they come here. That's useful. Yeah. We've found them to be an excellent source of information and supplies. How did you find them in the first place? I was a Genii spy. If you're one of them, why don't you just walk in there? Well, I used to, but eventually they realized that I betrayed them. I can see how they would. We rely on raids now. Why? What more do you guys want? We don't have all the pieces we need for the Lieutenant's plan. Right! And, uh, which plan would that be again? All will be revealed when the time is right. Oh, good! I'd hate for things to be revealed too early. How are you powering these Genii computers? We stole a Telnorran generator. They're a pain to keep serviced, but they do the job. Actually, we just got our hands on some Pilatian solar cells, but I haven't been able to figure out how to interface them yet. Have you used them before? I can't say that I have. What do you do here? We study the Wraith. Oh yeah? How's that going? Some of our discoveries have been quite exciting, actually. Like what? Well, for one, they seem to be territorial. Very much so, it turns out. They're not a united fold like we once believed. Hmm, really? Yes, in fact I believe they're fracturing even further. Now, my understanding of their language is fairly limited, but they seem to be trying to would restrict inter-ship communications. What? Why would they stop sharing information with each other? Ford thinks it might have to do with your friend's ability to read their minds. If she taps into them, only one ship will be compromised, not the whole fleet. All this because of Teyla? Well, for one, she may not be the only one that possesses that ability. Hmm. Fair enough. And two, I think that the lack of food in the galaxy has created some deep divisions within the Wraith cells. Huh. And you got all that from, uh, this? Yes. To be honest, I could use some help. How's your Wraith, Doctor? Hmm. S'okay. Let's see what you've got. That's better. You guys still need to work together. You're stronger as a team. You wanna spar a little? We're cool, right? You're not holding a grudge or anything? I did save your life. I remember. You know, it's funny. You ask a dozen people who they thought would win a fight between you and me, people would choose you hands down. Hell, I'd choose you. But we went toe to toe. Yeah, we did. Until Sheppard showed up. So I guess it's still undecided. Look, all I'm saying is, why d'you think I was able to fight you like that? It's the enzyme. Look what it did for me. Imagine what it can do for you. I'm not an enemy, Ronon. I just try to help. We just finished our scans, ma'am. They're not here. D'you think they've headed to another planet? It's possible, but, as you know, it's standard procedure to check in and tell us first. They didn't do that, so they might have been taken off-world against their will. Yeah. Alright. Can you give me the last few addresses dialed from that D.H.D.? Maybe somebody can, but that's a little out of my skill set. I'll send Zelenka. Good call. Lorne out. So, uh, what's the plan? We take them by force. That's some ground-breaking strategy there. I think the Colonel is interested in the type of attack. We plan to overpower them. I think it's best we just watch. Now. What kind of plan is that? ! One that works. One of your men got hit. Well, it should be safe for us now. This guy's dead. So you see, you are not invincible. We're close enough. There are skills to the art of war, Kanayo. Don't you tell me how to run my missions. You're just here to watch. Look familiar? That's our C4. We're stealing it back. For what purpose? For the hive. As in hive ship? Yeah. That's the Lieutenant's plan. You're gonna help us destroy a Wraith hive ship. One of the added bonuses of killing a Wraith is, every now and again, you get your hands on a couple of these. Now thanks to Jace and some of the computers that we borrowed from the Genii, we've been able to figure out the exact flight path of one of their hive ships. It's decimating all inhabited worlds in its path. It has to be stopped. I've been able to calculate that, in the next several days, it will be forced to make a hyperspace pause very near an uninhabited planet that happens to have a Stargate. We gate to that planet, get on the hive ship, plant the C4 in the Dart bay, and get out. We could save thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of lives. So? Wow. "Wow"? You heard me. Let me see if I can couch what Colonel Sheppard means by "wow" in more explicit terms. That is a terrible plan. Rodney. Made all the more frightening by the fact that you think it's a good plan. What's wrong with it? What's right with it? ! Look, let's just for a second give in to reckless abandon and assume that it will be possible to plant a single charge large enough to destroy an entire hive ship. We're planning on secondary explosions in the Dart bay. Regardless, the hive ship will be on a hyperspace pause, yes, but it will not enter the planet's atmosphere, nor... ..we'll have to fly to space... We've got a spaceship. Oh yeah? Really? What's it made out of, huh? Bark? No, it's real, McKay. In fact, it's the only ship I'd feel comfortable using on a mission like this. OK, where'd you get it? Does it matter? None of us have had much success flying it. Banged it up pretty bad the last couple of landings. It's in need of some repairs. And a real pilot. This is why you brought us here. It's the reason I waited 'til now, yes. Assuming this guy can get it working again. He can. These people are the best at what they do. Look, you fly it, you scoop us up, you take us to the hive, you drop us off. All we need is time to lay the charge. We'll be in and out of there before the Wraith have any idea what's going on. It's perfect. It is far from perfect. But -- it is possible. Colonel. Are you -- are you honestly considering this? ! It's on its way to a culling, Rodney. Yeah, and I am sorry about that, but this is insane! Maybe not. Jace has been trying to get it working, but he's not you, McKay. Can you fix it? No, probably not. That usually means yes. Aren't you the one not taking the enzyme? You're supposed to be the clear voice of reason here. Look, can you fix it? Even if I could, I wouldn't. I'm sorry -- drug me all you want, I'm not doing this. Let me talk to him -- he'll come round. OK. Rodney. Look, maybe you are on the enzyme. Maybe Ford lied, because no rational person would think that was a good plan. Look, a million things can go wrong, I know that, but just ... look, stop! Shut up and listen. You fix that Dart -- we all get outta here. I know it's risky but Ford's not thinkin' straight. So ... What are you talking about? I'll insist you're all on the away team. I'll scoop you up and instead of flying out to the hive ship, we fly out to Atlantis. How? That Dart's gotta have its own D.H.D., right? Of course. Well, then, get that thing fly-worthy, we all go home! Right, of course. Now, you see, I would have thought of that myself before I became a drug addict. I'm sure you would have. I'm sorry. It's alright. OK. That good, huh? These things are not designed to store Gate addresses. What can you give us? Well, every time the Gate is dialed, a slight residual imprint is left on the control crystals. Which means? Well, I've managed to mine about fifty addresses, but, no idea if they're correct or what order they were dialed in. Fifty? ! That's a lot of planets to check. Yes -- and that's assuming that they're correct. OK, so long story short? It's going to be next to impossible to find Colonel Sheppard and his team based on what I can get from this D.H.D. Great. OK, pack it up, let's take what you've got. We'll go over it on Atlantis. Weir's not gonna be happy about this. How'd that go? Well, he'll do it, but we need some conditions. What? Dial back McKay's enzyme doses. No! Look, we're under some time constraints here. I'm not saying the enzyme wouldn't help, I'm just saying we need him standing still and thinking, not running laps because it feels good. Ronon and Teyla? Stick to the plan. Fine. What else? I'll fly it -- that's obvious -- but I want McKay, Teyla and Ronon on the strike team. It's not a good mission for McKay. Could get rough in there. Look, suddenly we need a door open or a computer hacked, McKay should be there to do it. That's why he's on my team in the first place. Is that it? No! No, no, no, no, no. You fire it up now, it'll only explode. We're close. It's a good plan. Couldn't have done it without you, sir. Well, glad you trusted me enough to bring me here. What's wrong? I wanna go home. Then let's go. Give McKay the D.H.D. crystals and let's get outta here. I can have you back on Earth within an hour. No. We have to do this first. I have to prove to them that we can do this. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, Lieutenant. I saw your cousin and your grandparents when I was back there. They miss you. A lot. This whole M.I.A. thing's killing them. They're strong. They can wait. If anyone's ever gonna take me seriously ever again, we have to do this. Listen, Aiden ... No. Sorry. I don't wanna talk about this. Well, part of me thinks he brought us here because he knew we'd bring him back. I think subconsciously he knows what our plan is and he's fine with it. Give it back. Or what? Hey! Knock it off, guys! What the hell's gotten into you two? Oh, right. Never mind. We need to talk about this. About what? The enzyme works. No-one's saying it but we're all thinking it. It works. I must admit I have noticed an increased amount of strength. Maybe Ford is right. Maybe it's worth looking into to see what this stuff can do. They were an hour late delivering our doses yesterday and I felt awful. It frightens me how reliant my body has become on the enzyme always being in my system. What would happen if we suddenly could not receive it? The only neg is that you've gotta keep taking it. I'm gonna stay on it. What about you? The fact that I'm even considering it makes me feel ... Hey. So? It's ready. OK, now ... could you move? Look, this is probably gonna make you a little uneasy but, uh, when the canopy forms, it's perfectly opaque. Then how am I gonna fly this thing? The whole thing is one giant heads-up display. It'll show you all the pertinent information that you need. Yeah, you mean in Wraith! Yeah, which is why I've installed an interface to translate a lot of the readouts. And by "a lot" you mean "all", because my Wraith's not all that good. Enough to get you by. I knew you could do it. Right on time. Kanayo's gonna get you suited up. You should get ready. Right. Seems a little nervous. You know McKay -- he'll be fine. You know how to dial the D.H.D. on this thing? The address is memorized. Good, good. Listen, I should probably tell you, uh, there's been a slight change of plans. Oh yeah? Kanayo! Don't even think about it! What the hell are you doing? McKay's gonna stay here while we do the op. Take him! No, no, no, no, no! That wasn't part of the plan. Neither was you heading back to Atlantis. You didn't really buy the whole "I wanna go home" speech, did you, huh? Always underestimated me, Sheppard. You need to stop doing that. Complete the mission and McKay lives. We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan! You said it was a great plan. You didn't buy the whole "it's a great plan" speech, did you? Get this Dart in the air and come scoop us up. Oh, and the Dart D.H.D. only dials to the planet we're going to and back here -- just in case McKay's life isn't enough to get you to do the right thing. Aiden, what are you doing? Just making sure you guys hold up your end of the bargain. It's OK, give 'em back their weapons. Are you sure? Yeah. If we're gonna do this, we've all got to work together. Good luck to us all. Stand by for pick up. If they were OK, they would have radioed in by now. I understand that, ma'am. I want everyone who is cleared for off-world activity to help with the search. The Daedalus is on its way from Earth,then they'll be able to help, but until they get here, it's up to us. And I know that, but I need you to understand that it is gonna take a very long time to search all the planets on our list. It ... it could take months. We can't afford months, Major. And I know that too. Good. This is gonna take some getting used to. Come on! Oh, and we were getting along so well! Oh, auto pilot! No, no, no, no, no! R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off! Now! Worth a try. Jace! We have to go after them! No-one would have survived that fall. We have to get out of the open. You guys OK? No, we are not OK. You beamed half of us off the edge of the platform. Teyla and Ronon? Is that all you care about? You murdered my men. I've lost all control of the Dart. I had to release you blind. Maintain radio silence until we've laid the charge. Negative. We need to stay in contact. You should leave that radio on, Aiden. Don't tell me what to do. Ford. Ford. Ford! Dammit! I'd prefer not to. Oh boy! You mind checking the oil? This is not good! What is that? It's an alarm. That shouldn't happen. No, it shouldn't. Sheppard, you there? Sheppard, you there? I think I might have set the alarm off. You guys be careful, 'cause there's probably some guards on the way. Too late. You wanna live, stay behind me. Oh! Do ...? No, I'm good, thanks. You sure? Yeah, pretty sure. Look, don't you think that they should be back by now, huh? I mean, how long does it take to fly there and fly back, you know? I mean, I say, uh, it's a minute from, uh, here to the Gate, uh, ten tops from their Gate to the hive ship, um, twenty to get in and lay a charge and then, then, what? Like, ten more to get, get back out and home, right? So ... Worrying really isn't going to do anything. Yeah, well, I subscribe to a different school of thought. They're fine! You can't possibly know that! I got a gut feeling. Yeah, well, I have a different gut. ... Feeling. Ford. What's your position? Ford? ! Ah, dammit! Keep fighting! ... and thanks to several modifications, the specifics of which are encrypted in this data burst, we believe we can streamline our power consumption a further thirty percent. Also at the time of this transmission, Colonel Sheppard's team is still missing and is is presumed Colonel Sheppard's team is still missing. End transmission. Are you alright? We're in a holding cell? Yes. On a hive ship. Uh-huh. Well, then, no, I'm not doing so good. I can't believe you screwed up. I did what? ! You set off the alarm. You ruined the mission. The Dart went on auto pilot the second I got close to the hive. You're lucky I was able to get you out. Well, why would it do that? Why would it go on auto pilot? That's what Jumpers do when they gate to Atlantis. Well, why didn't you say something? Why didn't I say something? ! You want me to fail. You want me to look bad! Yeah, that's right, you snot-nosed brat. I put my team's life on the line just to prove you wrong! We've got company. Move away. What do you want? The one who flew the ship. Why don't you start with me? No, wait! You want me. It's alright. There's always a way out. If he dies, you die. Kneel. Previously on Stargate Atlantis. I'd like to report for duty, ma'am. Lieutenant! What do you think you're doing here? - Just give me something to do. - I don't think so. Don't push me around! Where's the rest of the enzyme? Lt Ford might have been your friend, but he's not anymore. We are only here searching for a friend. You guys all think I'm crazy or something. No, no-one thinks that. We think we can help him, if we can find him. This drug is messing with your head! I'm not just fine. I'm better than fine. Lieutenant! Don't! Ford! This is ridiculous. Well, keep complaining about it and we may get there faster. Well, couldn't we have met these people on a tropical beach planet, populated by tall, blonde women? Whoever wants to speak with us, obviously values their privacy. Yes, well I value my time and this is a waste of it. What's a waste of time, is listening to you, Rodney. This is a mission. Yeah well, it strikes me that this is a mission better suited to one of the... lower echelon teams. Lower echelon? He means to say, less important. Got a tip from one of Teyla's contacts. We're following it up. And this is like what? The umpteenth tip we've followed up in search of a ZedPM? Rodney? Look, I just want to make it clear that every second I am out of my lab is a second the galaxy goes without another ground-breaking... We have to get them through the Gate before their people realise they are missing. You guys OK? Oh yeah, fine. Seems like a whole lot of trouble to go through, just to get us to dinner. Not a talkative bunch, are you. We'll release you from your bindings if you promise not to attack us. Sure. Yeah. We promise. Before we untie them, they had to know that they are among friends. Ford? Thought I was dead, didn't you Sheppard? Season 2 - Episode 10 The lost boys part 1 Transcript: Scifigate.net Guys. Guys please. Eat! Eat. Well men, this used to be my team. Not this one. But I think he's OK, too. What is all this? Some local vegetables. A sorta alligator thingy. Tastes like salted meat. It's good. Try. I'm not talking about the food. What the hell is going on? Who are these men? Why bring us here like this? That's a lot of questions. Pick one. Pick one. That's good. Where did you find him, Sheppard? Maybe you should start with how you managed to escape being caught by the Wraith Dart? What? I get nervous, I get hungry. OK, the Dart. Ford! You're not getting off this planet! I have no idea how long I was in the Dart. Next thing I knew, I was on a Cruiser and I was awake. It's the enzyme. Makes you almost immune to a Wraith stunner, so when you're dematerialized from the Wraith Dart, you were awake as opposed to... As opposed to dead! I cut open it's enzyme pouch. Took my fill. Made my way off the ship. You can get around pretty easy on a Wraith ship. They're not used to people making it aboard, so there's next to no security. I walked off with enough enzyme to last me a little while. Tracked down the stargate. Dialled the first friendly address I could remember. I need a place to stay and a hot meal. And what do you got to trade? What'll that get me? No weapons. So? What'll that get me? I still don't really understand. Look at me. I got shot. I healed. I can see farther. Clearer than I ever saw before. I told them about the enzyme. How it makes you stronger and more aware. More resilient. How to give us a fighting chance against the Wraith. I mean, look at me. Look at me! I walked off a Wraith Cruiser! It works. I wanna try it. Wait a second. All your people here. All your men. They're on the enzyme? Of course. No! We don't do it like that anymore. Let's get him back home. As our numbers kept growing, we needed more and more of the enzyme. Nice work. Thank you. This should give us a steady stream of the enzyme. Time to focus on some bigger issues. Aiden. Do you mean to tell us that there are live Wraith here in this cave? That's right. The Wraith can communicate with each other over a distance. But not between stars. They'd have to be in this solar system. You taught me that. Yes well, good for me. It doesn't matter. They can't communicate if they're unconscious. Why'd you jump us? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It was the only way to get you here. Why didn't you just tell us where you were? You know we would have come. Yeah, you and a special ops team. No, no! I know you think I'm crazy. I brought you all here to show you that you're wrong. I mean, do I look crazy? Do I seem out of control? Are we speaking in relative terms, or... Look. Jace here has really fine tuned the enzyme. We know how to administer it now and to regulate it. Refine with it. We've gotten so good we can even lace food with it. Excuse me? Congratulations. You've just had your first dose. What? I thought long and hard about how to show you that the enzyme was safe. To convince you that it was the first step to defeating the Wraith. So you could convince Weir. - Convince the military. - Are you out of your mind? - Hey! Settle down, McKay! - No I will not settle down! I have been drugged against my will, you little punk! You should not have done this Aiden! Be as mad as you want. Couple of days, you'll be thanking me. We'll all have a good laugh about this. Now eat up. I'm itchy. I'm itchy all over. This is exactly what happened when I toked pot once in college. Everyone stay put. Let him go. Ford! Look. I know what you're trying to do. I get it, I do. But you're going about his all wrong. Weir isn't going to listen to us if we're all hopped up on the enzyme. Your food was clean. Why? Why me? You're gonna be the witness. You're gonna be the one to tell Weir, that her most trusted team has taken the enzyme and is better because of it. Look buddy. Why don't you come back with us. Have Beckett look you over? - That's the best proof. - No. No, I've thought this through. This is the plan. - Look, I don't know what you're thinking... - You're free to roam around as much as you want. You're all a part of the team, now. OK. So why aren't these guys watching us? Ronon is right. They went to great trouble to get us here. Why would they allow us to leave? Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Oh, that little bastard! - There it goes. - See, this is what I was afraid of. What'd he do? He's taken all the necessary control crystals. Something I showed him how to do on a mission, I might add! Well, that's not good. That is the understatement of the year. Alright! See what you can do! OK, why don't we just take them? All we gotta do is get our hands on one stunner. I can take them all. Yeah, maybe, but if we mess it up, whatever trust we might have been given, will disappear. You wanna make them trust us? We play it cool, we let 'em get comfortable. They're bound to make a mistake. And in the meantime? We play along. How are you guys feeling? I didn't eat that much. I feel fine. Perhaps if we were able to fast, they would be unable to administer the enzyme. I doubt that. I don't think they'd have a problem forcing us. This thing is useless and I ate my face off. And I can tell you, I can feel it working! There's a good possibility that everything you're feeling right now might be - psychosomatic. - Oh, is that right, Professor Science? Is that your expert opinion? Yes it is. Well I can tell you, when they up the dosage, the side effects will be very real and very unpredictable. You're back early. Janev's kind of a closed society. Very polite, very courteous, but completely uninterested in having anything to do with us. Well better that than hostile, I suppose. Colonel Sheppard's team. Three hours overdue. It wouldn't be the first time. Any radio contact? None since they left. Well, you know those guys. What do I know about those guys? Just that they tend to get all caught up in whatever it is they're doing and sometimes they don't check in. They forget how much you worry. We worry. - Collectively, I mean. - Yes we do. Yeah, we do. OK guys, looks like we're heading back out. Thank you Major. You're welcome. Seriously! I'm getting... I'm getting... chills, hot flashes, chills and hot flashes again and again. None of you are feeling that? The enzyme side effects are gonna be the least of his concerns if he keeps this up. I know. Just be patient. Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me. I know! Sheppard, Teyla! Kanayo's running a mission offworld. I want you to go with him. Why? We're running an op. Time you might wanna see the men in action. Sure! Wherever you need us. Just give us some weapons and... Nice try. No, you're gonna hang back and watch with Kanayo. Don't worry, you won't be in any danger. That's a load off my mind. Good. What about us? Jace'll give you the grand tour. Show you what we've done with the place. How's that sound? Oh, it sounds delightful. Good, good. Then if Sheppard tries anything offworld, you'll be nice and close for me to kill you both. Can't think of a better way of spending the afternoon. Move! Looks like he's asking you to go. Are those guards Genii? Yes. What exactly are we doing here? The Genii have spies all over the galaxy. For whatever reason, if one of them can't make it back to the Genii homeworld, their leaders have established safehouses. When they need a place to unload on gear or a place to hide, they come here. That's useful. Yeah, we've found it to be an excellent source of information and supplies. How did you find them in the first place? I was a Genii spy. If you're one of them, why don't you just walk in there. Well I used to, but eventually they realised that I'd betrayed them. I can see how they would. We rely on raids now. Why? What more do you guys want? We don't have all the pieces we need for the Lt's plan. Right. And which plan would that be, again? All will be revealed when the time is right. Well, good. I hate for things to be revealed too early. How are you powering these Genii computers? We stole a Talnoran generator. They're a pain to keep serviced, but they do the job. Actually, we just got our hands on some Palation solar cells, but I haven't been able to figure out how to interface them yet. Have you used them before? Can't say that I have. What do you, what do you do here? We study the Wraith. Oh yeah? How's that going? Some of our discoveries, have been quite exciting, actually. Like what? Well for one, they seem to be territorial. Very much so, it turns out. They're not a united foe, like we once believed. Really. Yes, in fact I believe they're fractioning even further. Now, my understanding of their language is fairly limited, but they seem to be trying to establish a system that would restrict intership communications. What? Why would they stop sharing information with each other. Ford thinks it might have to do with your friend's ability to read their minds. If she taps into them, only one ship would be compromised, not the whole fleet. What, all this because of Teyla? Well for one, she may not be the only one that possesses that ability. Fair enough. And two. I think that the lack of food in the galaxy has created some deep divisions within the Wraith cells. And you got all that from... this? Yes. To be honest, I could use some help. How's your Wraith, Doctor? It's OK. Let me see what you got. That's better. You guys still need to work together. We're stronger as a team. You wanna spar a little? We're cool, right? You're not holding a grudge or anything. I did save your life. I remember. You know, it's funny. If you ask a dozen people who they thought would win in a fight between you and me, people would choose you, hands down. Hell, I'd choose you. But we went toe to toe. Yeah, we did. Till Sheppard showed up. So I guess it's still undecided. Look, all I'm saying is, why do you think I was able to fight you like that? It's the enzyme. Look what it did for me. Imagine what it could do for you. I'm not the bad guy here, Ronon. I'm just trying to help. You'll come around. I know you will. We've just finished our scans, Ma'am. They're not here. Do you think they've headed to another planet? It's possible, but as you know, it's standard procedure to check in and tell us first. They didn't do that, so... They might have been taken offworld against their will. Yeah. Alright. Can you get me the last few addresses dialled from that DHD? Maybe somebody can, but that's a little out of my skill set. I'll send Zelenka. Good call. Lorne out. So, what's the plan? We take them by force. That's some ground-breaking strategy there. I think the Colonel is interested in the type of attack. We plan to overpower them. I think it's best if we just watch. Now. What kind of plan is that? One that works. One of your men got hit. Well it should be safe for us now. This guy's dead. So you see, you are not invincible. We're close enough. There are skills to the art of war, Kanayo. Don't you tell me how to run my missions. You're just here to watch. Look familiar? It's our C4. We're stealing it back. For what purpose? For the Hive. As in hive ship? Yeah. That's the Lt's plan. You're gonna help us destroy a Wraith hive ship. One of the added bonuses of killing the Wraith is, every now and again you get your hands on a couple of these. Now thanks to Jace and some of the computers that we borrowed from the Genii, we've been able to figure out the exact flight path of one of their hive ships. It's decimating all inhabited worlds in it's path. It has to be stopped. I've been able to calculate that in the next several days it'll be forced to make a hyperspace pause, very near an unihabited planet. that happens to have a stargate. We gate to that planet, get on a hive ship, plant the C4 in the Dart Bay and get out. We could save thousands, if not, hundreds of thousands of lives. So? You heard me. Let me see if I can couch what Colonel Sheppard means by wow, in more explicit terms. That is a terrible plan. Rodney. Made all the more frightening by the fact that you think it's a good plan. What's wrong with it? What's right with it? Look, let's just for a second, give in to reckless abandon and assume it would be possible to plant a single charge, large enough to destroy an entire hive ship. We're planning on secondary explosions in the Dart Bay. Regardless! The hive ship will be on a hyperspace pause, yes, but it will not enter the planet's atmosphere. Nor will it take up any sort of stable orbit. It will be flying through space. Which means, that unless your enzyme allows you to jump higher than you've let on... We've a space ship. Oh yeah? Really. And what's it made out of? Bark? No, it's real, McKay. In fact, it's the only ship I'd feel comfortable using on a mission like this. OK, where'd you get it? Does it matter? None of us has had much success flying it. Banged it up pretty bad in the last couple of landings. It's in need of some repairs. And a real pilot. This is why you brought us here. It's the reason I've waited till now, yes. - Assuming this guy can get it working again. - He can. These people are the best at what they do. Look, you fly, you scoop us up, you take us to the Hive, you drop us off. All we need, is time to lay the charge. We'll be in and out of there before the Wraith have any idea what's going on. It's perfect. It is far from perfect! But, it is possible. Colonel. What? Are you honestly considering this? It's on it's way to a culling, Rodney. Yeah and I am sorry about that, but this is insane! Maybe not! Jace has been trying to get it working, but he's not you, McKay. Can you fix it? Probably not. That usually means yes. Aren't you the one, not taking the enzyme? You're supposed to be the clear voice of reason here. Look, can you fix it? Even if I could, I wouldn't. I'm sorry, drug me all you want, I'm not doing this! Let me talk to him. He'll come around OK. Rodney! Look, maybe you are on the enzyme, maybe Ford lied, because no rational person would think that was a good plan. Look, a million things could go wrong, I know that, but just... Look stop! Shut up and listen. You fix that Dart, we all get outta here. I know it's risky, but Ford's not thinking straight, so... What are you talking about? I'll insist you're all on the away team. I'll scoop you up and instead of flying out to the hive ship, we fly out to Atlantis. How? That Dart's gotta have it's own DHD, right? Of course. Well, you get that thing flight worthy, we all go home! Right, of course! You see, I would have thought of that myself, before I became a drug addict. I'm sure you would have. I'm sorry. Alright. OK. Damn it, this just doesn't work. That good? These things are not designed to store Gate addresses. What can you give us? Well, every time the gate is dialled, it's like a residual imprint is left on the control crystals. Which means? Well, I've managed to mine about fifty addresses, but no idea if they're correct or what order they were dialled in. Fifty? That's a lot of planets to check. Yes, And that's assuming that they're correct. OK, so long story short? It's going to be next to impossible to find Colonel Sheppard and his team, based on what I can get from this DHD. Great. OK, pack it up. Let's take what you've got. We'll go over it on Atlantis. Weir's not gonna be happy about this. How'd that go? Well, he'll do it, but we need some conditions. What? Dial back McKay's enzyme doses. No! Look! We're under some time constraints here. I'm not saying the enzyme wouldn't help. I'm saying, we need him standing still and thinking, not running laps because it feels good. Ronon and Teyla? Stick to the plan. Fine, what else? I'll fly it, that's obvious, but I want McKay, Teyla and Ronon on the strike team. It's not a good mission for McKay. - It could get rough in there. - Look, suddenly we need a door opened, or a computer hacked. McKay should be there to do it. That's why he's on my team in the first place. Is that it? No. No. You fire it up now, it'll only explode. OK. We're close. It's a good plan. I couldn't have done it without you, Sir. Well, I'm glad you trust me enough to bring me here. What's wrong? I wanna go home. Let's go. Give McKay the DHD crystals and let's get outta here. I can have you back on Earth within an hour. No. We have to do this first. I have to prove to them that we can do this. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, Lieutenant. I saw your cousin and your Grandparents, when I was back to Earth. They miss you. A lot! This whole MIA thing is killing them. They're strong. They can wait. If anyone's ever going to take me seriously ever again, we have to do this. Listen, Aiden... No. I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about this. Well, part of me thinks he brought us here cos he knew we'd bring him back. I think subconsciously, he knows what are plan is and he's fine with it. Give it back! Or what? Come on guys. Guys! Stop! What the hell's gotten into you two? Oh, right. Never mind. We need to talk about this? About what? The enzyme works. No-one's saying it, but we're all thinking it. It works. I must admit, I have noticed an increased amount of strength. Maybe Ford is right. Maybe it's worth looking into seeing what this stuff can do. They were an hour late in delivering our doses yesterday and I felt awful. It frightens me how reliant my body has become on the enzyme always being in my system. What would happen if we suddenly could not receive it? The only negative is that you gotta keep taking it. I'd wanna stay on it. How about you? The fact that I'm even considering it, makes me feel... So? It's ready. OK, now... Could you move? Look, this is probably gonna make you a little uneasy, but when the canopy forms, it's perfectly opaque. Then, how am I gonna fly this thing? The whole thing is one giant heads up display. It'll show you all the pertinent information that you need. Yeah, you mean in Wraith! Which is why I've installed an interface to translate a lot of the readouts. And by a lot, you mean all? Because my Wraith's not all that good. Enough to get you by. I knew you could do it. Right on time. Kanayo's gonna get you suited up. You should get ready. Right. Seems a little nervous. You know McKay. He'll be fine. You know how to dial the DHD on this thing? The address is memorised. Good. Listen, I should probably tell you, there's been a slight change of plans. Oh yeah? Kanayo! Don't even think about it! What the hell you doing? McKay's going to stay here, while we do the op. Take him! This wasn't part of the plan. Neither was you heading back to Atlantis. You didn't really buy the whole 'I wanna go home' speech, did you? Always underestimating me Sheppard. You need to stop doing that. Complete the mission and McKay lives. We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan! You said it was a great plan. You didn't buy the whole 'It's a great plan' speech, did you? Get this Dart in the air and come scoop us up. And the Dart DHD only dials to the planet we're going to and back here. Just in case McKay's life isn't enough to get you to do the right thing. Aiden. What are you doing? Just making sure you guys hold up your end of the bargain. It's OK, give them back their weapons. Are you sure? Yeah. If we're gonna do this, we all gotta work together. Good luck to us all. Stand by for pick-up If they were OK, they would have radioed in by now. I understand that, ma'am. I want everyone who is cleared for offworld activity, to help with the search. The Daedalus is on its way from Earth and they'll be able to help, but until they get here, it's up to us. And I know that, but I need you to understand that it is gonna take a very long time to search all the planets on our list. It could take months. We can't afford months. Major. And I know that, too. Good. This is gonna take some getting used to. Come on! And we were getting along so well. Auto Pilot. NO! R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off! Now! Worth a try. Jace! We have to go after them! No-one would have survived that fall. We have to get out of the open. You guys OK? No, we're not OK! You beamed half of us off the edge of the platform. Teyla and Ronon? Is that all you care about? You murdered my men! I've lost all control of the Dart. I had to release you blind. Maintain radio silence until we lay the charge. Negative! We need to stay in contact. Their ship... You should leave that radio on, Aiden. Don't tell me what to do. Ford. Ford? Ford! Damnit! I'd prefer not to. Oh boy! Would you mind checking tomorrow? This is not good. What is that? It's an alarm. That shouldn't happen. No it shouldn't. Sheppard, you there? Sheppard, you there? I think I might have set the alarm off. You guys be careful, cos there's probably some guards on the way. Too late. If you wanna live, stay behind me. You want some? No, I'm good, thanks. - You sure? - Yeah, pretty sure. Look, don't you think that they should be back by now? I mean, how long does it take to fly there and fly back, you know? I mean I say it's a minute from here to the gate. Ten, tops from their gate to the hive ship. Twenty to get in and lay a charge and and what, ten more to get back out and home, right? So... Worrying really isn't going to do anything. Yeah well, I subscribe to a different school of thought. - They're fine! - You can't possibly know that! - I got a gut feeling. - Yeah, well I have a different gut... feeling. Ford! What's your position? Ford! Ah, dammit! Keep fighting! And thanks to several modifications, the specifics of which are encrypted in this databurst, we believe we can streamline our power consumption a further 30%. Also at the time of this transmission, Colonel Sheppard's team is still missing and is is presumed... Colonel Sheppard's team is still missing. End transmission. Are you alright? I'm in a holding cell? Yes. On a hive ship. Well then, no, I'm not doing so good! I can't believe you screwed up! I did what? You set off the alarm. You ruined the mission. The Dart went on auto-pilot, the second I got close to the hive. You're lucky I was able to get you out! Why would it do that? Why would it go on auto-pilot? That's what Jumpers do when they gate to Atlantis. Well, why didn't you say something? Why didn't I say something? You want me to fail. - You want me to look bad. - That's right, you snot nosed brat! I put my team's life on the line, just to prove you wrong! We got company. Move away. What do you want? The one who flew the ship. Why don't you start with me? Wait! You want me. It's alright. There's always a way out. If he dies, you die. Dahlia, let's go inside now. She'll come soon, but let's go inside now. What are we gonna do, Dahlia? What are we gonna do about your mother always being so late? - Hi. - Hi. Did you ring? It's not 11. You didn't ring. Good. You're early. You can come right in. - You've been subletting? - Right. When my construction company moved to New York, the rents were outta sight, so we only took a one-year lease. And when my wife asked me to leave, I got a small one-bedroom in Jersey City that's cheap. - How much? - 800. Where will Cecilia sleep then? There's a pullout couch in the living room, so when she comes to stay with me, I'll sleep there. I can't afford two bedrooms. How 'bout you, Dahlia? We need to know what your situation is gonna be. Any luck in finding a suitable place for you and Cecilia? - I'm looking at apartments today. - Where? - Where? - I told you, I'm moving to Jersey City. There's a school there, it's great. And there's plenty of cheap places to rent, so... You got an apartment near me, it would make the shared custody easier. Why do you want her, Kyle? - What do you mean, "Why do I want her?" - You were never interested in her before. - What? - You know, he forgot her fifth birthday. - No. No, I didn't. - No? No, I didn't. The plane was stuck on the tarmac, and we didn't have a gate. I told you a million times, the phones didn't work. No one believes you, cos everyone knows what you were doing. - "Everyone"? No, you. Only you. - OK. You see? She's crazy. You live in a world of your own. I make one mistake, and I don't care about Ceci? - You don't like playing with her. - You're insane. You're insane. Be honest with yourself. You can't raise Ceci alone. You can't handle it. Just be honest with yourself. Isn't it funny how small the cars look? - Yeah. - If you look at them from up here. Fit them between your fingers, if you squint. Yeah. Oh, look. There's a tram. And that's where we're going, Roosevelt Island. Mommy, that's not the city. Sure it is. Just a different part of the city. No, that's the city over there. That's not the city. - She's right. - Mm-hm. Here we are. It is chilly, though, isn't it? Are you cold? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah? Hey, look, that's where you'd go to school. I don't want to go to school here. Why not? It's too small. Oh, I see. Mm-hm. - You know, I got your snack for ya. - You do? Yeah. Are you hungry now? Do you want it now? - Maybe I'll wait. - OK. Let's just check. Let's see. 540... Just... 40... That way. OK. It's nice here. It's like a small town. I like the big city better. Why didn't we rent that last place? That was really nice. It was. It was too expensive for us, honey. We need something that's a better price. But I don't want to live here, Mommy. Why not, Ceci? It's all the same. And it's small. Too small. "It's too small"? I think you're too small. - No, I'm not. I'm big. - Small. - I'm big. - OK, good. Then are you gonna be a big girl, and give this one a chance? Yeah? Cos otherwise you know what happens? What? My itsy-bitsy muffin. I cover you all up with jam like this, and then... And then eat you up. OK. That's us. We are a little bit early. We need... Oh, golly. Five... - Hi. - Hi. - Are you Mrs. Bernstein? - No, I'm Ms Williams. Ah, Ms Williams. Oh, you're early. Mr. Murray. We spoke on the phone. Listen, since the Bernsteins aren't here, I can show you the apartment now. You're lucky to get a jump on them, actually. OK, that'd be great. - So we'll just go up, and... - Thanks. - Hello. - Hi. These tend to go pretty quick. You know, Manhattan is so expensive, and this is practically in Manhattan. - I mean, it's five minutes away. - Yucky. This is yucky. It is yucky down here, which is why we are repainting all these lobbies this summer. And I think they're replacing all the doors, if I'm not mistaken. It'll make it a lot brighter. This is Mr. Veeck. He is the super for building C. Hello. Mr. Veeck, can you say hello? - Hello. - This is... What's your name? - Dahlia. This is Ceci. - I'm sorry. Dahlia and Ceci. Uh... Mr. Veeck lives in 1 A. He's been here for 20 years. He'll fix anything that goes wrong. - Oh, that's good. - Which is a big savings, cos he does it for free. There's also a doorman on duty from four to midnight here, so you don't have to worry about coming in late. And that is the lobby. Mr. Veeck, if the Bernsteins show up, just send them right up to 9F. - OK. - 9F. OK. OK, so, we'll just head up here. - Did you take the Tram? - Yeah. - Oh, you did. Did you like that? - Yeah. You get to do that every day when you live in this building. Oh, yeah. There's the camera. Say hi. Mr. Veeck is watching us. I'm gonna take you up to nine. Almost our top floor. I call it the lower penthouse level. Um... You get some city views up there. A little cut off, but you can still see the city lights, at night. Oh, you know, we're two blocks from the school, which is one of the best in the city. Yeah, I was just reading that. - Isn't that great? - No. - I don't like it here, Mommy. I wanna... - Ceci, please. - Sorry, Mommy. - That's OK. It's OK. You're gonna love it up here. And they just opened a pizza place on the island. Do you like pizza? I bet you do. I like pizza, too. I like it a little bit too much. Wait, sweetie. Don't run. Don't run. What the... Get stuck in here, huh? - Mommy, what happened? - Sorry. It's all right. Dammit. Another puddle. Sorry about that. I keep telling Mr. Veeck he's gotta mop in there every morning. You know, with all this rain we're having, you can't stop some of it coming down that elevator shaft. There's just no way to stop it. Anyway, here's 9F down here. The building was built in 1976 by Stern-Jackson and associates, in the brutalist style. Um... Now, what they were trying to create, as you can see, was kind of a little village, kind of a Utopia, actually, is what they had in mind. And some of those ideas have come together. Some of their original plans for the place were a little crazy, if you ask me, actually. Hello. Yeah, I just do that just in case. It's vacant. - Come on in. - Shall I close this? Yeah. Let me just apologize in advance. The place is in a little bit of a mess. Our last tenant was a little messy, but we're gonna put a fresh new coat of paint on this whole place. It's gonna brighten it up quite a bit. Let's take a look at your bedroom, sweetie. This could be your room if Mommy wants it to be. - What do you think? Isn't that great? - There's no air in here. Of course there's air in here. If there wasn't air, we wouldn't be able to breathe. Uh... That window does not open, but it lets a lot of natural light in in the afternoons. - It's really great. - Strange. I kinda like it. In the afternoon, it brightens the place up quite a bit. Anyway, here's the closet. You could put your dollies in there, or, you know, Mom could use it for storage. - Lemme show you the bathroom. OK? - OK. Come on, honey. Is this another closet here? Yeah, that's the foyer closet. The bathroom's pretty self-explanatory. It's in decent shape. Once we clean it up. You got the toilet, of course, the sink, bathtub. This glass is safety glass. I mean, you could hit that as hard as you want, it will not break. And that is great for your peace of mind, you know, when Ceci's taking a bath. Hey, Ceci. Come look in here. Ah, you're right. That's much better. You can smell the river. Can you smell it? - Yeah. - Let me show you the other bedroom here. You know, it's tough to get two bedrooms in Manhattan, any of the boroughs, for under a thousand dollars. OK, that's a closet. Scratch that. That's a closet. Um... Kitchen. Got the refrigerator, sink, stove, and this is kind of a country eat-in dining room. You see this. It's just really smart how they did this. See that little thing? Boom - dining room. You can put your stools around it, and when you're done - out of the way, no clutter. The dishwasher, if you're entertaining, very convenient to have. Kitchen. OK. And then here is the other bedroom. So, where's the living room? Well, it's kind of a living room slash bedroom. It's called a dual-use room. You can see it's the size of two rooms. It's huge. Anyway, did you see the view? Did you see that? Look at that. That is a million-dollar view for $900 a month. I mean, I don't even have that where I live. You're not gonna do better than that, I guarantee it. Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. We could have this painted this weekend. You could move in on Monday, and, you know, we could just fill out the forms right now. I understand - you want some time to walk around, think about it. - Let me just check on Ceci. - Sure, sure. Yeah. Ceci. She's just making herself at home. That's OK, Mom. Ceci. You know how they are. She's just exploring. - Mr. Veeck. Mr. Veeck. - Did my daughter come down here? - What? - My daughter. - The little girl I came in with. - The little girl. Did she get on the elevator? No. I see no one. Just him. Yeah, there was a little girl in the stairwell. Ceci. Ceci. Ceci. Ceci. Are you in there? - Hello. - Yeah? - What are you doing down here? - I saw someone go in. Did you check the stairs all the way to the roof? Ceci. Look, Mommy. Hello Kitty. I got a Hello Kitty bag. Ceci. Don't you ever do that again. Do you understand? Don't you ever run away from me, and you never come up on the roof. - Sorry. - Do you understand me? It's not safe for you up here. You could have fallen. - Sorry, Mommy. - OK? How can you leave this unlocked? There's no railing here. It's totally irresponsible. - It's supposed to be locked. - Well, it wasn't. Yeah. Sorry. - Are you OK, honey? - Yeah. You're so lucky you found that. My niece loves Hello Kitty. Did you look inside it? - No. Mommy, can I look? - It's not yours, sweetie. Oh, I'm sure she can keep it. There's no other children in the building. Someone... No children? Why? It's so close to the school. They all grew up. You know, they're all teenagers now. You know, hardly anybody ever moves out cos of rent control. Oh, there are other children on the island. You know, in the other buildings. You would have many, many friends. So cute. Mr. Veeck, why was the door to the roof open? - What? - The roof. My daughter found this on the roof. - The roof? Where? - Just lying there. Mr. Veeck. Why didn't you lock the door to the roof? - I did. - No. She opened it and walked right out. Now, what if she'd gotten hurt? That's negligence, Mr. Veeck, and I'll call the union myself. You get fired for cause, and you can kiss that pension goodbye. What do you talk about? I check it. Hour ago, it was locked. - Someone else open it. - Well, whose bag is this? - What do I know? - Well, look inside it, please. I'm so sorry about this. As you can see, we're having a little bit of a communication problem. We'll work it out. I was wondering if you have a card, so... Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. - Just don't wait too long. - Hey. Hey. Ceci. That's not yours. OK? You can't keep that. Look, it's brand-new. Someone's gonna come back for it. Can you give it back, please? - Doll. - Ceci. - Aw. Poor thing. - Good girl. Thank you. I'll tell you what. Mr. Veeck will hold onto it for a week, and if no one comes, then you can come by and get it. OK? - In one week. - No one comes, it's yours. You see? You'll see, no one will come. Thank you, Mr. Veeck. Please check on that lock again. Thank you. We're gonna live here, right, Mommy? - What? - We're gonna move here, right? I want to. I really wanna move here. See? From the mouths of babes. - Excuse me just one moment. - OK. Talk about it, I guess. Now, we don't have to move here for you to get a Hello Kitty backpack. - I know that. - You know that? I really like this place, Mommy. I wanna live here. You said it was the right kind of price for us. I did say that. It's a little bit smaller than I hoped. Please, Mommy. Can we live here? I'm over here. Over here. Over here. - We'll take it. - Oh, I have the Bernsteins... I'll give you a deposit right now. - You're sure? - Yeah. I'm sure. - OK. - OK. Yeah. I have the forms here, if you want. We can go in... Let's go back in the office. OK. Ceci, you wanna come? I'll be right back. I can explain to them. That's all right. They have a lot of choices. Come on. Cos it's insanely inconvenient, that's why. I gotta drive through the tunnel, get uptown to cross the 59th Street Bridge to Queens, so I can cross another goddamn bridge to get to the island. - You could take the subway. - The subway? You want me to take the PATH to the F? Are you kidding me? It'll take an hour. I'm suing. - What? - You move there, I'll sue for full custody. Mr. Williams. Threats are not appropriate. - Ms Williams has a right to rent... - Are you moving to Roosevelt Island? - Look at this. - I want an answer. Look at this. The elementary school there is one of the best in the city, and it's practically next door, so all Ceci would have to do is walk two blocks. Just look at it. If this is really about Ceci, maybe you could move to Roosevelt Island, cos there are lots of places for rent there. - That's ridiculous. - Is it? Why? - I already signed a lease. - You're lying. - I'm not listening to this. - She's there. She's in Jersey City, and that's what this is really about. I'm done talking. Better get yourself a lawyer. A good one. I'm sorry to say that's good advice. - Nobody came, right? - What? The Hello Kitty bag. Nobody came, right? It's only been four days, kid. Don't get your hopes up. Hey. - Hello. - Hello. - After you, my love. - Thank you. Let's try... - In here? - No. I'm ready for something to drink. How about you? Or maybe something to eat. Ooh, let's put you in the box. Can you hold your breath underwater? - Yeah. - You can? How long do you think you can hold it for? - Seven. - Really? Uh-huh. Look, Mommy. Look how high I can jump. Are you trying to break your new bed on the first night? - No. - Don't break your bed. OK. Look, Mommy. I'm gonna reach the ceiling. What is that? Looks like a leak. How? I'll have to tell them about that in the morning. Horrible. Anyway, what shall we read? Wow. The sound really carries. Yeah. - Mommy. - Hm? - Can you fix my hair? - I'd love to fix your hair. What do you want? Do you want a ponytail? Or a braid? - A braid. - OK. You wanna practice for today? OK. Boys and girls, today I want you to meet your new classmate. Her name is Cecilia Williams. Everyone say hello to Cecilia. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi. I think you can do better than that. Do you wanna try again? OK. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi, everybody. That's my girl. That's my smart, beautiful, beautiful girl. How's that? It's perfect. You do it perfect. You get your shoes on, which are right there. Keys, which are... I know where they are. Shit. Shit! - Mommy. - What? - You cursed. - Put your shoes on, OK? OK. - Do you need help with those? - Yeah. Pick up your finger paints from the back of the room. Remember to mix the colors. Red and yellow make... - Orange. - Great. Good morning. Hi. Hi, Cecilia. You know what? We are gonna have so much fun today. We're finger-painting, so we're gonna get all messy. Look. See? - The messier the better. - That's fine. Are you ready to come meet all your new friends? Great. Why don't you come with me, sweetheart? - Bye, sweetheart. - Wanna say goodbye to your mama? Bye, darling girl. - I'll be here at 3:30 to pick you up. - Love you, Mommy. Oh, I love you so much. Go have fun. Come on, sweetheart. OK, everybody. Listen up, now. I want you to give a big, warm, huge welcome to our new friend Cecilia. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi, everybody. I'm Cecilia. Hi, Cecilia. Wow, that was great. - You want the elevator? - Uh... Actually, I was looking for you. Um... There's a leak in my bedroom ceiling. Breaking news, huh? Pipes is 30 years old. Leaks all over the building. So does that mean you won't fix it? Fix a leak? Look, all I can do is patch up the ceiling. If you wanna fix the leak, you gotta get Murray to call a plumber. - Mr. Murray. - Mr. Murray. OK. I'll call him. Do. OK. So, you worked as a copy editor? Yeah. Back in Seattle, I did copy editing and some fact checking. Why do you want this job? Pay's not that good, sure as hell ain't interesting. Oh, I'd try something different, you know? I've always been interested in medicine. Medicine? Oh, honey, this ain't medicine. See, what you do is you Xerox their insurance card, hand them a form, and give them a pitcher of bug-juice to drink. Are you sure you wanna do this? Come on, you can tell me. I'm not exactly a model citizen. I'm separated from my husband. My daughter and I just moved to Roosevelt Island. You're a five-minute subway ride, the hours are perfect, and you have a medical plan. Well, you're hired, honey. But you gotta promise me one thing. What? In six months' time, when you find a better job, please take me with you. OK. Thank you. - Hello. - Hi. Mr. Murray? - Yeah. - Hi. It's Dahlia Williams. - Dahlia Williams. - From 9F. - 9F. - Yeah. Hey, how was that paint job? - Yeah... - Great work, right? Thank you, but, um... Actually, I have a leak in my bedroom ceiling. - A leak? - Yeah. Did you tell Mr. Veeck? I did, I told him. He said that he could patch the ceiling, but that to repair the leak, you would need to call a plumber. I don't know what he's talking about. If he needs to open the ceiling and fix the pipe, he can do it. He doesn't need a plumber. Listen up. Just tell him I said... Just tell him Mr. Murray said that he should fix the leak. OK. I'll... I'll try. Listen, say hello to little Cathy for me, too, OK? Ceci. Ceci. I'm sorry. OK. OK. Bye-bye. Yes! - Hi. - It's lunch hour. Just quickly. I spoke to Mr. Murray, and he said that you should fix that leak that I told you about. Look, I'm not a plumber. I keep telling him. I'm not responsible for building's plumbing. My job is make sure boiler's working, mop floors, put out the garbage, but I'm not a plumber. No, I understand. It's just Murray said that you could fix it. Well, I can't. - Hello. - Wouldn't stop, right? Took you up to ten? Yeah, it does that sometimes. It just goes up to ten, no one's even called for it. I think when it rains a lot, it messes with the contacts or something. Which floor? - Nine, please. - OK, we'll take you back up, and then I'll go down. OK. Thank you. Shit. Come on. Who did this? This building is falling apart. - Bye. - See ya later. I've talked to Veeck twice now, and he says he's not a plumber and he can't fix it, so I'm wondering, is there a super from one of the other buildings who could do it? I can't do that. See, C is Veeck, and Veeck is C. If I do that, then I have the union screaming at me about violating work rules. It's really coming down now, and I can hear there's running water upstairs, so... You know, it might not even be a leak. It might be flooded or something. - Did you say "upstairs"? - Right above me. - In 10F? - Upstairs. You know, maybe it's their tub that's overflowed or something, I don't know. No, that can't be right. Listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna call Mr. Veeck personally, OK? I'm gonna take care of this. So don't worry about it. I'm gonna get right on it. I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now. I'll call you later, as soon as I take care of it, OK? - Thank you. - OK. No problem. Bye-bye. Mommy, wake up. Ceci? Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, God. Oh, God. What are you doing here? Take it easy. It's flooded. The fuckin' brats. I'm gonna kill 'em. - You see them coming outta here? - Who? Asshole Steve. 3F. And his buddy, dumb Billy, 7E. - You don't know them? - No. Look. Here's the story. 10F's away. Father's left the country. Where the mother is, God knows. They've been away for months. Probably not coming back. Those punks have stolen a key and get in here. - Why? - What do I know? Drugs. Wacky baccy, you know. Look, I clean up this place, and then... Then I come down to your place, huh? Murray called me. I tell him I take care of it. Yeah. I patch it up tomorrow, when it's dry. - No extra charge, you know? - Thank you. The itsy-bitsy spider - Went up the waterspout - Then what? Down came the rain - And it washed the spider out - OK. - It's OK. - Sorry. You can be 10, even 15 minutes late. We have this after-school program that runs until 5:30, so... - Many of the kids stay for it. - Uh... Is there a charge for that? It's $30 a week. - Which is actually quite reasonable. - No, that's good. That's good. I think I'll have to do that, cos I'll be working till five every day. - OK. Well, we can set that up. - OK. Surprise, surprise, there's another form you have to fill out, but we can do that now. This will be good for Cecilia. It will help her fit in faster, and she could use some real friends, don't you think? What do you mean? Well, it's not unusual to have imaginary friends at this age. Nowadays we know not to bug them about it, but it isn't so great that she's playing with an imaginary friend when there are real children for her to play with here. Are you saying that Ceci has an imaginary friend? And washed the spider out Out came the sun and dried up all the rain And the itsy-bitsy spider Went up the spout again I made you a snack for after school. I had it all wrapped up and ready to go, and then I was rushing, and I forgot it. - It's OK. - Sorry. - What did you think of your teacher? - She was very nice. - Did you make any friends today? - Uh-huh. Who? - Nobody. - Nobody? Very funny name for a friend, "Nobody. " - Mommy. - Nobody. "My name is Nobody. " - Did anyone come? - What? For Hello Kitty. Did anyone come? No. Not yet. Thanks for taking care of the ceiling tomorrow. I appreciate it. It looks really ugly now. Good. Are you gonna stay in my bed tonight? Close your eyes. I'm very proud of you for today. Sweet dreams, honey. The itsy-bitsy spider Went up the waterspout Down came the rain And washed the spider out Out came the sun And dried up all the rain - The itsy-bitsy spider - Itsy-bitsy spider... - Went up the spout again - ... the spout again Well, I still don't really know anyone here, so I'm not really sure who to ask. Except Bill and Stacy, but he's Kyle's friend from work, so I can't ask him. I think it'd be a lot easier for her back there in Seattle, you know? Well, what about the mediators? Maybe they can recommend somebody. Yeah, I asked them, but they're supposed to be impartial - so they can't recommend anyone. - Oh. I don't know. I guess maybe I'll try and find someone out of the Yellow Pages. Dahlia, you can't pick some random lawyer out of a phone book. I can't believe it. Those kids are up there again. What? Mary, I'm gonna have to call you back later, OK? I have to go downstairs and deal with this. - All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye. - Bye. Stop it. She'll catch you. No, I'm not allowed to go to the roof. Cos it's dangerous, and by the ways, it's spooky at night. - Who are you talking to? - Nobody. Is it your friend Nobody again? Do you have an invisible friend only you can see? Is it a boy or a girl? Girl. - How old is she? - My age. Almost exactly. She was born a month before me. So she's older. Wow. What's her name? - Natasha. - Natasha? That's a really interesting name. Where'd you get that name from? It's just her name. Night, Mom. I can't go up to 10F now. If I leave my post and Mr. Murray finds out, I'm dead. OK, but if they leave the water running then my bedroom ceiling could collapse. - Understand? - Yeah, I understand. But what you gotta understand is if I leave now I might as well go straight to Unemployment. That's not gonna happen. Look, I'm sorry. I don't know if you want me to call the cops or something. - Just give me a second. Hang on. - It's all right, never mind. I'll deal with it. And thanks for your help. All right. Mommy, come. Are you OK? Can I help you? I told you. I told you to leave me alone. Mom? - Get away from me, you little bitch. - Mommy? - I hate you. - Let me help you. I hate you. - Do you hear me? I hate you. - No. Just go! Go! Mommy. Wh... - What? - You're scaring me. - What's wrong? - You were having a bad dream again. Again? You always make that sound when you sleep. I do? Ever since Daddy left. - Stop doing that, OK? - OK. - It scares me. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's OK. There's nothing to be scared of. - Have a good day. See you later. - OK. Bye, Mommy. Yeah, he was a frat brother of Joe's at Wash U. Joe says he's as smart as a whip. If he was at college with Joe I guess he's been practicing for a while. Well, actually, he got a late start on being a lawyer. - He lost a decade to partying. - A decade? No, seriously, Joe says he's really good and he won't charge you an arm and a leg. - His name is Platzer. - OK. - P-L-A... - Right. ...T-Z-E-R. Come on, Platz. This mess was sloppy, unprofessional. I mean, I know I get caught, but my work? My craft? My craft ain't sloppy. That much is true. - Thank you. - Hello? Mr. Platzer, hi. My name is Dahlia Williams. Hi, Mrs. Williams. John told me you'd be calling. I can't meet till next week, so you give me opposing counsel's name and number and I'll give him a call and get up to speed on their issues. Sure. My husband's lawyer's name is Carrie Simmons. That's OK, I know Carrie's number. This is not gonna be so easy. We should meet Monday. Where do you work? I'll come by in your lunch hour. It's Sutton Place Radiology. 585 East 58th Street. You're being very nice, but I'm sorry, I just have to ask. - How much is that gonna cost me? - We'll figure the money out. I'll call Carrie, get up to speed, then we'll go over everything Monday, - including my fee, OK? - OK. Thanks so much. - OK. Bye. - Bye-bye. Figure the money out? That's some sweet thing you're figuring money for. - You gonna figure my money too? - You're lucky I don't charge you double. OK, so everyone looking at me. And do you all have a piece of tape? Show me, show me. Put it somewhere silly. Somewhere silly. Your forehead, your nose. Make a beard. OK. Now put it on the back of your picture and then you're gonna follow me into the hallway cos we're gonna put them up. Ten, nine, eight, a-seven, a-six, five, four, three, two, one. Beautiful. - Anyone else need tape? - I do. If it's not sticking... - Mom, you're early. - I know. The subway was so much faster than the Tram. I was at work ten minutes ago. Isn't that amazing? - I think we picked the perfect place to live. - Daddy doesn't like it here. He wants me to move with him to that other city. Oh. - When did Daddy say that? - Today. He came to see what my new school was like. Hm. - I gotta go. - OK. I'll be waiting for you. OK. Yeah, he came by to give us his cell phone number in case of an emergency. He was with Cecilia for a few minutes. He said hi, he looked at the room. Is there some problem? Is he not allowed to? Is there some restraining order against him? No. No. I was just... wondering if Ceci was... Still imagining things? Actually, I'm glad you brought that up. Her imaginary friend hasn't gone away. In fact, she threw somewhat of a tantrum during circle time when we wouldn't let her "friend" sing along. I had to have her take a time-out. I'm sorry. I'll certainly talk to Ceci about that. You know, the PTA provides a psychologist, Katie Shoettle. She's very nice. She comes every Wednesday. It's absolutely no charge. I'll talk to Ceci about it. It'll stop. I'm really sorry about that. You'll see. Couple of days, blend right in. You won't see the difference. I'm sure you're right. Thank you. You know, those kids were up there again last night, running around, and I could hear them running water. So... You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna speak with Murray about changing the lock on 10F. You know what he told me? Rimsky paid no rent this month. - He's probably not coming back anyway. - OK. Well, that would be great if you could change the lock. Starting to have nightmares about what's going on up there. - Really? You gotta relax, huh? - Can I get you something before you go? Yeah. Get me a reward for all this hard work I've been doing. Yeah? I think I have beer. - You want a beer? - I don't drink beer. Coffee? I could make a pot of coffee if you want. Oh, forget it. I've been working hard today. I'm tired. I'm going. OK. Well, thank you. What about Hello Kitty? Can I have it now? Oh, so sorry, kid. Somebody came by for it today. They were visiting town, left it there by accident. Oh, that little girl, she was so happy to have it back. - You're lying. - Ceci. He's lying, Mommy. Nobody came. You want to teach that goddamn brat some manners, lady. Sorry. What is the matter with you? Mm. Mac and cheese. My favorite. I love you, Mommy. I love you too, sweetheart. I love you very much. But, you know, it was very wrong of you to call Mr. Veeck a liar. - You know that, don't you? - He is a liar. Ceci. You don't know that he's a liar. - Yes, I do. - How? How do you know that? Natasha told me he still had the Hello Kitty backpack in his desk. I want to talk to you about your imaginary friend, OK? - She's not imaginary. - She's not? She's lost. Her mommy forgot about her and now she's lost. Like you. - What are you talking about? - Your mommy forgot about you, right? Did someone tell you that? - You did. - No. I didn't tell you that, Ceci. Who told you that? Are you gonna answer me? I'm asking you a question. - Who told you? - Natasha told me. Stop it. You stop lying to me. Who told you? Who told you? Who told you? - Hello? - Hi, I'm just calling to arrange... What are you trying to do? Sneaking into her school, telling her it isn't any good? Talking to her about my mother? How dare you talk to her about my mother. Look, I don't know who or what pressed your wacko button today, and I don't care, I'm calling to tell you I'm picking up Ceci Saturday at nine. I'll bring her back Sunday at six. Don't play any games. Have her there, 9am sharp. - I tell you punks. No skating in here. - Yeah, yeah. She's cute. Daddy's here! Hey! Look at you. You shouldn't be smoking, Daddy. I'm gonna quit real soon, honey. I promise. - Thank you, Daddy. - Satisfied? As far as I'm concerned, you can smoke as much as you like, Kyle. Honey. - I'll bring her back tomorrow at six. - OK. - Bye, Mommy. - Bye, honey. Hey, pretty lady. What's happening? Laundry. Excuse me. I got some dirty things I'd like you to clean. Sorry. I forgot my smokes. Help! Smart-ass kids. Steve and Billy. They did this. You'll see. Monday, the plumbers come. They'll find something stuck in there. They gum 'em up. Brats. - Who's Natasha? - What? Who's Natasha Rimsky? Little girl. 10F. - Where is she now? - How do I know? With her mother, I guess. Couldn't stand living with that crazy Russian husband of hers. Took the little girl with her. That Russki, he was a piece of work. Always "blyad". Look, there's a Laundromat down the block. I'll get you some garbage bags so you don't get wet carrying them there. The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout Hi, Mommy. Glad you like spaghetti and meatballs. - It's my favorite. - Your favorite? I love them, Mommy. I'm glad. Mm. I love you, Mommy. You haven't said anything about what your dad's new place is like. - I don't like it. - Really? Yeah. Well, maybe it's just new and you need to get used to it. But I don't wanna get used to it. I don't wanna stay with Daddy. I only wanna stay with you. Well, your dad loves you. He'll be happy that you spent this time with him. Itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout Down came the rain - Honey, can you stop singing that? - Why? It happened. I want to go to bed now, Mommy. I'm tired. - Mommy? - Mm? I'm scared, Mommy. I want to sleep with you. Yeah. I love you, Mommy. Thank you for taking care of me. Ceci? - Hello? - Mommy, where were you? - I was napping. - No, not now. Last night. Where were you last night? I called two times for you to say goodnight to me. - Where were you? - Last night? OK, Daddy. Daddy says he's bringing me home a half an hour early. OK, Daddy. 5:30. He says to be there in the lobby at 5:30. - Don't fall asleep again, Mommy. - OK. I gotta go. I'm getting chocolate cake. - Bye. - Bye. Dahlia, where have you been? I left two messages. I lost a day, Mary. I took a pill, just one pill, and it knocked me out for 24 hours. That's never happened before. And I'm tired, really tired. It's like I haven't slept at all. Dahlia, are you OK? Are you really OK? My headache's gone. But the leak is back. It's back? I thought they were gonna fix that thing. - Dahlia? - Yeah? - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine. You have five new messages. First new message. Long nap, huh? Call me. Message erased. Next message. Hi, Jeff Platzer here. I got the preliminaries from your husband's lawyer and I need to touch base with you about his accusations as soon as possible. Believe it or not I'm actually available on Sunday afternoon until five. If you are, would you call my cell? OK. Bye. - Mrs. Williams? - Yeah. Hi. I'm your lawyer. - Hi. - Hi. - I'm sorry it's such a mess. - No, it's OK. I just moved into a new office and they've painted it. I can't stand the smell so I'm improvising. OK. - Hi. - Hi. - So... - OK. Your husband's claiming you're mentally unstable because your father was physically abusive and your mother was an alcoholic who abandoned you. That's... unbelievable. - What do my parents have to do with this? - That's my question exactly. What's more relevant is that your husband says you suffer from crippling migraines and paranoid delusions. He says he'll submit school reports that show your daughter is beginning to share your fantasy life. "Cecilia is now having trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is not. " It's a lie. It's a lie. In child custody briefs, it's standard to make these kinds of accusations. Don't take it too seriously. But I do need to know what, if anything, in your husband's narrative has some semblance, some shred of fact that he might produce in court. Well, I get migraines. Yeah. That's true. But they've never interfered with my ability to do anything. You can talk to my doctor about that. He'll tell you they've certainly never crippled me. Um... As for Ceci, I think she's a little bit lonely right now. Her father's abandoned her and she was forced to move from her neighborhood. So... she's developed an imaginary friend. But that's normal. That's fine. But for future reference, when you're talking to, for example, a judge, I would stay away from phrases like, "her father's abandoned her". It's important, when the other side is being so melodramatic, - to sound like we're the sane ones. - Right. - That's all I'm saying. - OK. - I'd like to notch that. - Oh, yeah, man. Hey, sweetheart. - Mommy? - Yeah. - Look what Daddy gave me. - Wow. - That's great, You're so lucky. - Listen, next Saturday's a problem. Can we do Sunday and I'll bring her first thing in the morning for school on Monday? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. - Come on, honey. Say bye to Daddy. - Bye, Daddy. Thanks for the Barbie. - Did you do that ponytail by yourself? - Yeah. - It's a good one. - Thanks. - I like the collar. - Thanks. Honey, you know what, I forgot to do something. I'm gonna be right back. Will you wait right here for me? - Don't go anywhere, OK? - OK. Be right back. Two... one. Ceci? Ceci? Stay in the elevator. I'm bringing you down. Ceci, can you hear me? Bake me a cake as fast as you can. Roll it, pat it and mark it with a B. - No more pretending to play with Natasha. - She won't let me. Well, then you stop talking to her. You tell her I said so. You tell her your mommy said you can't play with her any more. OK, Mommy. - Hello? - Hi, Mr. Platzer. I'm sorry to call you late, but I think my husband... Mrs. Williams, it's Sunday night. I can't talk. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just need to tell you this as soon as possible. I think my husband is trying to drive me crazy. Either that or he's hoping that I'm gonna act crazy. - Hang on. Let me call you right back. - OK. You say neither of the Rimskys are living there? No, no one's there. So Kyle's paying these kids. I mean, he must be paying these kids to mess around with the water and the backpack. And the elevator. I went into the elevator the other day and the buttons were burned off. Mrs. Williams, it's Sunday night and I'm at the movies with my family. If I don't want to be handling my own divorce, I gotta get back. So... I'll call you tomorrow and we'll sort this out. All right? Yeah. Absolutely. Get down! This time make sure you put it in the garbage truck. - Where did you... - Those kids have been playing games, moving it around the building. And they were upstairs again so now there's water all over my bedroom floor. - They're running the water again? - Mm-hm. I thought you were gonna change the lock on 10F. Murray didn't authorize it. He has to send me a 112B form. - Look, is the plumber here yet? - No, no. It's only 8:15. OK, look. I left a message for Mr. Murray. I told him I need my problem fixed first. So when the plumber gets here, send him up to my apartment or you and Murray can both talk to my lawyer. OK? Do you remember what we talked about last night? - Yes, Mommy. - OK. See you later, OK? - Hello. - Hi. Jeff Platzer here. - Hi, Mr. Platzer. - Listen, I did a little homework on Rimsky and I think I turned up the missing mother in a hospital in San Diego. Why are you looking for her? I figured the Rimskys might want to know their apartment's being used by strangers. Mrs. Williams, we're never gonna prove your husband's behind this harassment. And trying to do that is just playing his game. He wants you to look paranoid. We gotta deal with this straight, as if it's all on the level. So that's what we'll do, we'll play it straight. I'm due in court, I'll call you when I get ahold of Mrs. Rimsky. In the meantime, just sit tight. - I will. Thanks so much. - OK. - Bye. - Bye. - Abigail's making a storm, sweetheart. - Done! Done? You remember you have to sign your name so you know whose it is. You don't want me to take that home and say I did it, do you? I like that. Pirates? Stop it. Stop it, I told you, leave me alone. - We've got rainbows... - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You're gonna get cleaned up and when you're done you're gonna come back and sit with me and we'll read a story together. Then maybe we'll talk about your friend. Go on. Ceci! Go away! - Where is she? - She passed out in the bathroom. We don't know what happened. There was water all over the place. - We took her to the hospital. - Hospital? We just wanted to check her out. It's school policy. We couldn't reach you. I had an emergency at work, I didn't get my messages for two hours. We called her father and he's gonna meet her at the hospital. - OK. Which hospital? - It's the one right here on the island. Kyle took her. They released her and he took her. - Did they say what was wrong? - They said, you know, it's nothing serious. She fainted but... I'm trying to find him. I called his home number, I called his cell phone number, I called his office number, and he's avoiding me so I need to know what to do. Can I go to his apartment? Mrs. Williams, I need you to calm down. I need it, your daughter needs it. Just calm down, OK? I'm sorry. I know you don't know me, but you have to believe me. I'm not crazy, I'm really not. - I believe you, Mrs. Williams. - I'm really not. Just go home. Your husband and your daughter are probably waiting for you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ceci. Ceci. - No new messages. - Oh, God. - Hello? - Hello? It's Jeff. Are they there? - No. - They're not there? No. There's no message. There's water everywhere. Mrs. Williams, Mrs. Williams, calm down. Calm down. - She can't be here. - What do you want me to do? Oh, God. I can't be her mother, I don't know how to be myself. Ceci! I hate you. Get away from me, you little bitch. I hate you. Fuck! I hate you! I hate you! Bitch! Sorry about this. I really had no idea. I would've come down myself a long time ago. Better open it. Hello? Hello? Jesus. Look at this. This is appalling. This is appalling. The plumber's on his way. I'm paying him double overtime so he can get here tonight. Hello? - I'll get some of these lights on. - Mrs. Williams? - You OK? - I'm awake. The plumber will be here in 15 minutes. - Mr. Murray? - This is just a big misunderstanding. OK? Mr. Veeck did not keep me informed. This will be fixed tonight. - Or she's staying at the Plaza, right? - It will definitely be fixed tonight. - And I want to talk to Veeck. - I will get him. You OK? - Migraine, huh? - Yeah. - I'll keep my voice low. - Thanks. I spoke with your husband's lawyer and Ceci's fine. Kyle will bring her to school in the morning. OK. Now, this part is gonna piss you off. They want Ceci to see a psychologist to be evaluated. There's nothing we can do about that but say yes. So we're saying yes. OK. - Here we are. - Mr. Veeck. I had an interesting conversation with Mrs. Rimsky today. She was very surprised to hear her daughter isn't living upstairs. - In 10F? - Mm-hm. - You said they left together. - That's what the Russian said. No, she left without her daughter. She didn't think she could take care of her. Mrs. Rimsky's an alcoholic. She claimed she was going for treatment, and had to leave the girl behind with the father. You knew that, didn't you? Only Mr. Rimsky didn't take Natasha with him. I spoke with Grandma Rimsky in Moscow today and she said her son is living with her alone. - So he lied to me. What do I know? - You had to know. Well, we'll find out tomorrow. I have a phone appointment with Mr. Rimsky. - Why did you lie about the little girl? - I didn't want to get involved, that's all. Did you see Natasha after her mother left? It's a simple question, Veeck. Yeah. I see her. I see her that afternoon. I see her playing on the stairs. Then the next day the father tells me she leave with the mother. I ask no questions. - Well, if he killed her, it's not my business. - "Killed her"? "If he killed her"? Plumber! You got a lot more than a leak to fix, Mr. Murray. Mr. Veeck. - If you could just... - Come on in, just right inside. Thank you. Some kind of pipe or something. Yeah, well, see, that is a brand-new pipe. So, this will all be patched tomorrow. - By professionals. - By professionals. Good as new. It better be. I'm calling NYPD to report a child is missing. OK. I mean, I'm sure there's a simple explanation for that, but... So, goodnight. And, again, I am so sorry about all this. - Goodnight. - Goodnight. - You gonna be OK? - Yeah. I'll be fine. - You sure? - Yeah, I'm feeling much better, actually. - I gotta go. Family. - OK. Mm. I'll keep my cell on all night and if you need me just call. - Any hour. - Thanks. - Thanks again. Bye. - OK. Bye. She left you behind. They both left you behind. Help me. Wait! I told Murray, I told him a million times. It's not my job. I'm not a goddamn plumber. How you feeling? You OK? - You warmed up? - I'm OK. Cops think Veeck probably left the tank open and somehow she fell in. They even think he might have discovered she'd fallen in weeks ago. That's why he hadn't cleaned it in so long. They might have enough to charge him with criminal negligence. They'd arrest the parents, but they're out of state and there are no witnesses, so... The truth is, they'll probably never know what happened. Her mother left her. The father assumed that she was with her mom, and the mother assumed she was with her father. Guess everyone just assumed. No one really cared what happened to her. That's what it looks like. I'll tell Mary you've been a prince. You just accomplished the impossible, Mrs. Williams. You actually made me glad I went to law school. - Thank you. - It's OK. I can probably get you a year's free rent out of Murray. Oh! No, it's OK. I'm moving. - Call me in the morning, OK? - Yeah. - Come on, princess. - Bye, Daddy. Bye. - How are you feeling? - Good. Yeah? OK. I'll be here after school to pick you up. See you after school. - Hey. - Hi. Thank you for taking care of Ceci yesterday. It's OK. I'm really worried about her mental state. - I am too. - You are? Yeah. So, I've been thinking... I don't want her to have to choose between us. - What do you mean? - I want to look for a place in Jersey City so that shared custody will be easier for both of us. And we can do, you know, one week with me, and one week with you. Or maybe split the week. We can see what works best. - You serious? - Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know, you were right about the school here. I checked it out. It's good. - Maybe I could get a place... - No, it's fine. After this, we'll get a... a place in Jersey City. I'll see you later. - When are we moving? - Not until next week, sweetheart. This is winter stuff though so we can pack it up now. You OK? Are you feeling OK? What are you thinking about? Why did her mommy forget about her? Do you know how much I love you? - You sure? - Mm-hm. - Do you know I would do anything for you? - Yes. That's a promise. - Honey, do you want bubbles tonight? - Uh-huh. There you are. - That's so great, Dahlia. - Well, I think it's gonna be for the best. And moving out of here, that is definitely for the best. What do you want to do? Be a chef? OK. Let's see if we can make you a chef hat. There. Now, what are you going to cook? Mac and cheese? Look, I should go get Ceci out of the tub before she turns into a prune. - She's so cute. - So... Oh! Here she is now. Yeah. So I will talk to you tomorrow. - OK. Take care. Bye. - OK. You too. Goodnight. - Mommy, can you read me a story? - Course I can, honey. Let's see which one you picked. We haven't read this one in a long time, have we? "There were once a man and a woman who had long in vain wished for a child. " We need more snow, don't you think? Then let's get some more snow. ...beautiful Rapunzel. Don't leave me. I want you to be my mommy. - Don't leave me. - Ceci! You can't leave me. Ceci! Ceci! Ceci! Ceci! Ceci! No! Ceci! Ceci! Ceci! Oh, God. Let her go! You let her go! No! No! Please! Natasha! Let her go! Please. We'll stay. We'll stay here with you. What do you want? I'll be your mother. - Please. - Forever? Forever. Forever. Yes. I'll be your mother forever. Take me. Please, take me. Yeah, OK. So we got an 11-46, Caucasian female, aged 30, no apparent cause of death, and a six-year-old girl with shock. Trying to locate the father. Ceci. Let's go home, honey. Would you get the door? We did a whole bunch of them. A whole neighborhood. What was this one about? Do you remember? That was me and then that was you. - That was a tree. - A tree. - And then that's a little angel. - Beautiful gold wings on the angel. Come on. OK, honey, let's walk. What's wrong with you? Come on. Ceci. Ceci? Ceci? Open the door. Push the button, Ceci. Open it. Open the door. Ceci! My beautiful girl. Whenever you need me, I'm here. OK, Daddy. Let's go. Dahlia, let's go inside now. She'll come soon, but let's go inside now. What are we gonna do, Dahlia? What are we gonna do about your mother always being so late? - Hi. - Hi. Did you ring? It's not 11. You didn't ring. Good. You're early. You can come right in. - You've been subletting? - Right. When my construction company moved to New York, the rents were outta sight, so we only took a one-year lease. And when my wife asked me to leave, I got a small one-bedroom in Jersey City that's cheap. - How much? - 800. Where will Cecilia sleep then? There's a pullout couch in the living room, so when she comes to stay with me, I'll sleep there. I can't afford two bedrooms. How 'bout you, Dahlia? We need to know what your situation is gonna be. Any luck in finding a suitable place for you and Cecilia? - I'm looking at apartments today. - Where? - Where? - I told you, I'm moving to Jersey City. There's a school there, it's great. And there's plenty of cheap places to rent, so... You got an apartment near me, it would make the shared custody easier. Why do you want her, Kyle? - What do you mean, "Why do I want her?" - You were never interested in her before. - What? - You know, he forgot her fifth birthday. - No. No, I didn't. - No? No, I didn't. The plane was stuck on the tarmac, and we didn't have a gate. I told you a million times, the phones didn't work. No one believes you, cos everyone knows what you were doing. - "Everyone"? No, you. Only you. - OK. You see? She's crazy. You live in a world of your own. I make one mistake, and I don't care about Ceci? - You don't like playing with her. - You're insane. You're insane. Be honest with yourself. You can't raise Ceci alone. You can't handle it. Just be honest with yourself. Isn't it funny how small the cars look? - Yeah. - If you look at them from up here. Fit them between your fingers, if you squint. Yeah. Oh, look. There's a tram. And that's where we're going, Roosevelt Island. Mommy, that's not the city. Sure it is. Just a different part of the city. No, that's the city over there. That's not the city. - She's right. - Mm-hm. Here we are. It is chilly, though, isn't it? Are you cold? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah? Hey, look, that's where you'd go to school. I don't want to go to school here. Why not? It's too small. Oh, I see. Mm-hm. - You know, I got your snack for ya. - You do? Yeah. Are you hungry now? Do you want it now? - Maybe I'll wait. - OK. Let's just check. Let's see. 540... Just... 40... That way. OK. It's nice here. It's like a small town. I like the big city better. Why didn't we rent that last place? That was really nice. It was. It was too expensive for us, honey. We need something that's a better price. But I don't want to live here, Mommy. Why not, Ceci? It's all the same. And it's small. Too small. "It's too small"? I think you're too small. - No, I'm not. I'm big. - Small. - I'm big. - OK, good. Then are you gonna be a big girl, and give this one a chance? Yeah? Cos otherwise you know what happens? What? My itsy-bitsy muffin. I cover you all up with jam like this, and then... And then eat you up. OK. That's us. We are a little bit early. We need... Oh, golly. Five... - Hi. - Hi. - Are you Mrs Bernstein? - No, I'm Ms Williams. Ah, Ms Williams. Oh, you're early. Mr Murray. We spoke on the phone. Listen, since the Bernsteins aren't here, I can show you the apartment now. You're lucky to get a jump on them, actually. OK, that'd be great. - So we'll just go up, and... - Thanks. - Hello. - Hi. These tend to go pretty quick. You know, Manattan is so expensive, and this is practically in Manattan. - I mean, it's five minutes away. - Yucky. This is yucky. It is yucky down here, which is why we are repainting all these lobbies this summer. And I think they're replacing all the doors, if I'm not mistaken. It'll make it a lot brighter. This is Mr Veeck. He is the super for building C. Hello. Mr Veeck, can you say hello? - Hello. - This is... What's your name? - Dahlia. This is Ceci. - I'm sorry. Dahlia and Ceci. Uh... Mr Veeck lives in 1 A. He's been here for 20 years. He'll fix anything that goes wrong. - Oh, that's good. - Which is a big savings, cos he does it for free. There's also a doorman on duty from four to midnight here, so you don't have to worry about coming in late. And that is the lobby. Mr Veeck, if the Bernsteins show up, just send them right up to 9F. - OK. - 9F. OK. OK, so, we'll just head up here. - Did you take the Tram? - Yeah. - Oh, you did. Did you like that? - Yeah. You get to do that every day when you live in this building. Oh, yeah. There's the camera. Say hi. Mr Veeck is watching us. I'm gonna take you up to nine. Almost our top floor. I call it the lower penthouse level. Um... You get some city views up there. A little cut off, but you can still see the city lights, at night. Oh, you know, we're two blocks from the school, which is one of the best in the city. Yeah, I was just reading that. - Isn't that great? - No. - I don't like it here, Mommy. I wanna... - Ceci, please. - Sorry, Mommy. - That's OK. It's OK. You're gonna love it up here. And they just opened a pizza place on the island. Do you like pizza? I bet you do. I like pizza, too. I like it a little bit too much. Wait, sweetie. Don't run. Don't run. What the... Get stuck in here, huh? - Mommy, what happened? - Sorry. It's all right. Dammit. Another puddle. Sorry about that. I keep telling Mr Veeck he's gotta mop in there every morning. You know, with all this rain we're having, you can't stop some of it coming down that elevator shaft. There's just no way to stop it. Anyway, here's 9F down here. The building was built in 1976 by Stern-Jackson and associates, in the brutalist style. Um... Now, what they were trying to create, as you can see, was kind of a little village, kind of a Utopia, actually, is what they had in mind. And some of those ideas have come together. Some of their original plans for the place were a little crazy, if you ask me, actually. Hello. Yeah, I just do that just in case. It's vacant. - Come on in. - Shall I close this? Yeah. Let me just apologise in advance. The place is in a little bit of a mess. Our last tenant was a little messy, but we're gonna put a fresh new coat of paint on this whole place. It's gonna brighten it up quite a bit. Let's take a look at your bedroom, sweetie. This could be your room if Mommy wants it to be. - What do you think? Isn't that great? - There's no air in here. Of course there's air in here. If there wasrt air, we wouldn't be able to breathe. Uh... That window does not open, but it lets a lot of natural light in in the afternoons. - It's really great. - Strange. I kinda like it. In the afternoon, it brightens the place up quite a bit. Anyway, here's the closet. You could put your dollies in there, or, you know, Mom could use it for storage. - Lemme show you the bathroom. OK? - OK. Come on, honey. Is this another closet here? Yeah, that's the foyer closet. The bathroom's pretty self-explanatory. It's in decent shape. Once we clean it up. You got the toilet, of course, the sink, bathtub. This glass is safety glass. I mean, you could hit that as hard as you want, it will not break. And that is great for your peace of mind, you know, when Ceci's taking a bath. Hey, Ceci. Come look in here. Ah, you're right. That's much better. You can smell the river. Can you smell it? - Yeah. - Let me show you the other bedroom here. You know, it's tough to get two bedrooms in Manattan, any of the boroughs, for under a thousand dollars. OK, that's a closet. Scratch that. That's a closet. Um... Kitchen. Got the refrigerator, sink, stove, and this is kind of a country eat-in dining room. You see this. It's just really smart how they did this. See that little thing? Boom - dining room. You can put your stools around it, and when you're done - out of the way, no clutter. The dishwasher, if you're entertaining, very convenient to have. Kitchen. OK. And then here is the other bedroom. So, where's the living room? Well, it's kind of a living room slash bedroom. It's called a dual-use room. You can see it's the size of two rooms. It's huge. Anyway, did you see the view? Did you see that? Look at that. That is a million-dollar view for $900 a month. I mean, I don't even have that where I live. You're not gonna do better than that, I guarantee it. Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. We could have this painted this weekend. You could move in on Monday, and, you know, we could just fill out the forms right now. I understand - you want some time to walk around, think about it. - Let me just check on Ceci. - Sure, sure. Yeah. Ceci. She's just making herself at home. That's OK, Mom. Ceci. You know how they are. She's just exploring. - Mr Veeck. Mr Veeck. - Did my daughter come down here? - What? - My daughter. - The little girl I came in with. - The little girl. Did she get on the elevator? No. I see no one. Just him. Yeah, there was a little girl in the stairwell. Ceci. Ceci. Ceci. Ceci. Are you in there? - Hello. - Yeah? - What are you doing down here? - I saw someone go in. Did you check the stairs all the way to the roof? Ceci. Look, Mommy. Hello Kitty. I got a Hello Kitty bag. Ceci. Don't you ever do that again. Do you understand? Don't you ever run away from me, and you never come up on the roof. - Sorry. - Do you understand me? It's not safe for you up here. You could have fallen. - Sorry, Mommy. - OK? How can you leave this unlocked? There's no railing here. It's totally irresponsible. - It's supposed to be locked. - Well, it wasrt. Yeah. Sorry. - Are you OK, honey? - Yeah. You're so lucky you found that. My niece loves Hello Kitty. Did you look inside it? - No. Mommy, can I look? - It's not yours, sweetie. Oh, I'm sure she can keep it. There's no other children in the building. Someone... No children? Why? It's so close to the school. They all grew up. You know, they're all teenagers now. You know, hardly anybody ever moves out cos of rent control. Oh, there are other children on the island. You know, in the other buildings. You would have many, many friends. So cute. Mr Veeck, why was the door to the roof open? - What? - The roof. My daughter found this on the roof. - The roof? Where? - Just lying there. Mr Veeck. Why didn't you lock the door to the roof? - I did. - No. She opened it and walked right out. Now, what if she'd gotten hurt? That's negligence, Mr Veeck, and I'll call the union myself. You get fired for cause, and you can kiss that pension goodbye. What do you talk about? I check it. Hour ago, it was locked. - Someone else open it. - Well, whose bag is this? - What do I know? - Well, look inside it, please. I'm so sorry about this. As you can see, we're having a little bit of a communication problem. We'll work it out. I was wondering if you have a card, so... Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. - Just don't wait too long. - Hey. Hey. Ceci. That's not yours. OK? You can't keep that. Look, it's brand-new. Someone's gonna come back for it. Can you give it back, please? - Doll. - Ceci. - Aw. Poor thing. - Good girl. Thank you. I'll tell you what. Mr Veeck will hold onto it for a week, and if no one comes, then you can come by and get it. OK? - In one week. - No one comes, it's yours. You see? You'll see, no one will come. Thank you, Mr Veeck. Please check on that lock again. Thank you. We're gonna live here, right, Mommy? - What? - We're gonna move here, right? I want to. I really wanna move here. See? From the mouths of babes. - Excuse me just one moment. - OK. Talk about it, I guess. Now, we don't have to move here for you to get a Hello Kitty backpack. - I know that. - You know that? I really like this place, Mommy. I wanna live here. You said it was the right kind of price for us. I did say that. It's a little bit smaller than I hoped. Please, Mommy. Can we live here? I'm over here. Over here. Over here. - We'll take it. - Oh, I have the Bernsteins... I'll give you a deposit right now. - You're sure? - Yeah. I'm sure. - OK. - OK. Yeah. I have the forms here, if you want. We can go in... Let's go back in the office. OK. Ceci, you wanna come? I'll be right back. I can explain to them. That's all right. They have a lot of choices. Come on. Cos it's insanely inconvenient, that's why. I gotta drive through the tunnel, get uptown to cross the 59th Street Bridge to Queens, so I can cross another goddamn bridge to get to the island. - You could take the subway. - The subway? You want me to take the PATH to the F? Are you kidding me? It'll take an hour. I'm suing. - What? - You move there, I'll sue for full custody. Mr Williams. Threats are not appropriate. - Ms Williams has a right to rent... - Are you moving to Roosevelt Island? - Look at this. - I want an answer. Look at this. The elementary school there is one of the best in the city, and it's practically next door, so all Ceci would have to do is walk two blocks. Just look at it. If this is really about Ceci, maybe you could move to Roosevelt Island, cos there are lots of places for rent there. - That's ridiculous. - Is it? Why? - I already signed a lease. - You're lying. - I'm not listening to this. - She's there. She's in Jersey City, and that's what this is really about. I'm done talking. Better get yourself a lawyer. A good one. I'm sorry to say that's good advice. - Nobody came, right? - What? The Hello Kitty bag. Nobody came, right? It's only been four days, kid. Don't get your hopes up. Hey. - Hello. - Hello. - After you, my love. - Thank you. Let's try... - In here? - No. I'm ready for something to drink. How about you? Or maybe something to eat. Ooh, let's put you in the box. Can you hold your breath underwater? - Yeah. - You can? How long do you think you can hold it for? - Seven. - Really? Uh-huh. Look, Mommy. Look how high I can jump. Are you trying to break your new bed on the first night? - No. - Don't break your bed. OK. Look, Mommy. I'm gonna reach the ceiling. What is that? Looks like a leak. How? I'll have to tell them about that in the morning. Horrible. Anyway, what shall we read? Wow. The sound really carries. Yeah. - Mommy. - Hm? - Can you fix my hair? - I'd love to fix your hair. What do you want? Do you want a ponytail? Or a braid? - A braid. - OK. You wanna practice for today? OK. Boys and girls, today I want you to meet your new classmate. Her name is Cecilia Williams. Everyone say hello to Cecilia. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi. I think you can do better than that. Do you wanna try again? OK. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi, everybody. That's my girl. That's my smart, beautiful, beautiful girl. How's that? It's perfect. You do it perfect. You get your shoes on, which are right there. Keys, which are... I know where they are. Shit. Shit! - Mommy. - What? - You cursed. - Put your shoes on, OK? OK. - Do you need help with those? - Yeah. Pick up your finger paints from the back of the room. Remember to mix the colours. Red and yellow make... - Orange. - Great. Good morning. Hi. Hi, Cecilia. You know what? We are gonna have so much fun today. We're finger-painting, so we're gonna get all messy. Look. See? - The messier the better. - That's fine. Are you ready to come meet all your new friends? Great. Why don't you come with me, sweetheart? - Bye, sweetheart. - Wanna say goodbye to your mama? Bye, darling girl. - I'll be here at 3:30 to pick you up. - Love you, Mommy. Oh, I love you so much. Go have fun. Come on, sweetheart. OK, everybody. Listen up, now. I want you to give a big, warm, huge welcome to our new friend Cecilia. - Hi, Cecilia. - Hi, everybody. I'm Cecilia. Hi, Cecilia. Wow, that was great. - You want the elevator? - Uh... Actually, I was looking for you. Um... There's a leak in my bedroom ceiling. Breaking news, huh? Pipes is 30 years old. Leaks all over the building. So does that mean you won't fix it? Fix a leak? Look, all I can do is patch up the ceiling. If you wanna fix the leak, you gotta get Murray to call a plumber. - Mr Murray. - Mr Murray. OK. I'll call him. Do. OK. So, you worked as a copy editor? Yeah. Back in Seattle, I did copy editing and some fact checking. Why do you want this job? Pay's not that good, sure as hell ain't interesting. Oh, I'd try something different, you know? I've always been interested in medicine. Medicine? Oh, honey, this ain't medicine. See, what you do is you X erox their insurance card, hand them a form, and give them a pitcher of bug-juice to drink. Are you sure you wanna do this? Come on, you can tell me. I'm not exactly a model citizen. I'm separated from my husband. My daughter and I just moved to Roosevelt Island. You're a five-minute subway ride, the hours are perfect, and you have a medical plan. Well, you're hired, honey. But you gotta promise me one thing. What? In six months' time, when you find a better job, please take me with you. OK. Thank you. - Hello. - Hi. Mr Murray? - Yeah. - Hi. It's Dahlia Williams. - Dahlia Williams. - From 9F. - 9F. - Yeah. Hey, how was that paint job? - Yeah... - Great work, right? Thank you, but, um... Actually, I have a leak in my bedroom ceiling. - A leak? - Yeah. Did you tell Mr Veeck? I did, I told him. He said that he could patch the ceiling, but that to repair the leak, you would need to call a plumber. I don't know what he's talking about. If he needs to open the ceiling and fix the pipe, he can do it. He doesn't need a plumber. Listen up. Just tell him I said... Just tell him Mr Murray said that he should fix the leak. OK. I'II... I'll try. Listen, say hello to little Cathy for me, too, OK? Ceci. Ceci. I'm sorry. OK. OK. Bye-bye. Yes! - Hi. - It's lunch hour. Just quickly. I spoke to Mr Murray, and he said that you should fix that leak that I told you about. Look, I'm not a plumber. I keep telling him. I'm not responsible for building's plumbings. My job is make sure boiler's working, mop floors, put out the garbage, but I'm not a plumber. No, I understand. It's just Murray said that you could fix it. Well, I can't. - Hello. - Wouldrt stop, right? Took you up to ten? Yeah, it does that sometimes. It just goes up to ten, no one's even called for it. I think when it rains a lot, it messes with the contacts or something. Which floor? - Nine, please. - OK, we'll take you back up, and then I'll go down. OK. Thank you. Shit. Come on. Who did this? This building is falling apart. - Bye. - See ya later. I've talked to Veeck twice now, and he says he's not a plumber and he can't fix it, so I'm wondering, is there a super from one of the other buildings who could do it? I can't do that. See, C is Veeck, and Veeck is C. If I do that, then I have the union screaming at me about violating work rules. It's really coming down now, and I can hear there's running water upstairs, so... You know, it might not even be a leak. It might be flooded or something. - Did you say "upstairs"? - Right above me. - In 10F? - Upstairs. You know, maybe it's their tub that's overflowed or something, I don't know. No, that can't be right. Listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna call Mr Veeck personally, OK? I'm gonna take care of this. So don't worry about it. I'm gonna get right on it. I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now. I'll call you later, as soon as I take care of it, OK? - Thank you. - OK. No problem. Bye-bye. Mommy, wake up. Ceci? Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, God. Oh, God. What are you doing here? Take it easy. It's flooded. The fuckir brats. I'm gonna kill 'em. - You see them coming outta here? - Who? Asshole Steve. 3F. And his buddy, dumb Billy, 7E. - You don't know them? - No. Look. Here's the story. 10F's away. Father's left the country. Where the mother is, God knows. They've been away for months. Probably not coming back. Those punks have stolen a key and get in here. - Why? - What do I know? Drugs. Wacky baccy, you know. Look, I clean up this place, and then... Then I come down to your place, huh? Murray called me. I tell him I take care of it. Yeah. I patch it up tomorrow, when it's dry. - No extra charge, you know? - Thank you. The ítsy-bítsy spíder - Went up the vvaterspout - Then what? Dovvn came the raín - And ít vvashed the spíder out - OK. - It's OK. - Sorry. You can be 10, even 15 minutes late. We have this after-school program that runs until 5:30, so... - Many of the kids stay for it. - Uh... Is there a charge for that? It's $30 a week. - Which is actually quite reasonable. - No, that's good. That's good. I think I'll have to do that, cos I'll be working till five every day. - OK. Well, we can set that up. - OK. Surprise, surprise, there's another form you have to fill out, but we can do that now. This will be good for Cecilia. It will help her fit in faster, and she could use some real friends, don't you think? What do you mean? Well, it's not unusual to have imaginary friends at this age. Nowadays we know not to bug them about it, but it isn't so great that she's playing with an imaginary friend when there are real children for her to play with here. Are you saying that Ceci has an imaginary friend? And vvashed the spíder out Out came the sun and dríed up all the raín And the ítsy-bítsy spíder Went up the spout agaín I made you a snack for after school. I had it all wrapped up and ready to go, and then I was rushing, and I forgot it. - It's OK. - Sorry. - What did you think of your teacher? - She was very nice. - Did you make any friends today? - Uh-huh. Who? - Nobody. - Nobody? Very funny name for a friend, "Nobody." - Mommy. - Nobody. "My name is Nobody." - Did anyone come? - What? For Hello Kitty. Did anyone come? No. Not yet. Thanks for taking care of the ceiling tomorrow. I appreciate it. It looks really ugly now. Good. Are you gonna stay in my bed tonight? Close your eyes. I'm very proud of you for today. Sweet dreams, honey. The ítsy-bítsy spíder Went up the vvaterspout Dovvn came the raín And vvashed the spíder out Out came the sun And dríed up all the raín - The ítsy-bítsy spíder - Itsy-bítsy spíder... - Went up the spout agaín ...the spout agaín Well, I still don't really know anyone here, so I'm not really sure who to ask. Except Bill and Stacy, but he's Kyle's friend from work, so I can't ask him. I think it'd be a lot easier for her back there in Seattle, you know? Well, what about the mediators? Maybe they can recommend somebody. Yeah, I asked them, but they're supposed to be impartial - so they can't recommend anyone. - Oh. I don't know. I guess maybe I'll try and find someone out of the Yellovv Pages. Dahlia, you can't pick some random lawyer out of a phone book. I can't believe it. Those kids are up there again. What? Mary, I'm gonna have to call you back later, OK? I have to go downstairs and deal with this. - All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye. - Bye. Stop it. She'll catch you. No, I'm not allowed to go to the roof. Cos it's dangerous, and by the ways, it's spooky at night. - Who are you talking to? - Nobody. Is it your friend Nobody again? Do you have an invisible friend only you can see? Is it a boy or a girl? Girl. - How old is she? - My age. Almost exactly. She was born a month before me. So she's older. Wow. What's her name? - Natasha. - Natasha? That's a really interesting name. Where'd you get that name from? It's just her name. Night, Mom. I can't go up to 10F now. If I leave my post and Mr Murray finds out, I'm dead. OK, but if they leave the water running then my bedroom ceiling could collapse. - Understand? - Yeah, I understand. But what you gotta understand is if I leave now I might as well go straight to Unemployment. That's not gonna happen. Look, I'm sorry. I don't know if you want me to call the cops or something. - Just give me a second. Hang on. - It's all right, never mind. I'll deal with it. And thanks for your help. All right. Mommy, come. Are you OK? Can I help you? I told you. I told you to leave me alone. Mom? - Get away from me, you little bitch. - Mommy? - I hate you. - Let me help you. I hate you. - Do you hear me? I hate you. - No. Just go! Go! Mommy. Wh... - What? - You're scaring me. - What's wrong? - You were having a bad dream again. Again? You always make that sound when you sleep. I do? Ever since Daddy left. - Stop doing that, OK? - OK. - It scares me. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's OK. There's nothing to be scared of. - Have a good day. See you later. - OK. Bye, Mommy. Yeah, he was a frat brother of Joe's at Wash U. Joe says he's as smart as a whip. If he was at college with Joe I guess he's been practicing for a while. Well, actually, he got a late start on being a lawyer. - He lost a decade to partying. - A decade? No, seriously, Joe says he's really good and he won't charge you an arm and a leg. - His name is Platzer. - OK. - P-L-A... - Right. ...T - Z-E-R. Come on, Platz. This mess was sloppy, unprofessional. I mean, I know I get caught, but my work? My craft? My craft ain't sloppy. That much is true. - Thank you. - Hello? Mr Platzer, hi. My name is Dahlia Williams. Hi, Mrs Williams. John told me you'd be calling. I can't meet till next week, so you give me opposing counsel's name and number and I'll give him a call and get up to speed on their issues. Sure. My husband's lawyer's name is Carrie Simmons. That's OK, I know Carrie's number. This is not gonna be so easy. We should meet Monday. Where do you work? I'll come by in your lunch hour. It's Sutton Place Radiology. 585 East 58th Street. You're being very nice, but I'm sorry, I just have to ask. - How much is that gonna cost me? - We'll figure the money out. I'll call Carrie, get up to speed, then we'll go over everything Monday, - including my fee, OK? - OK. Thanks so much. - OK. Bye. - Bye-bye. Figure the money out? That's some sweet thing you're figuring money for. - You gonna figure my money too? - You're lucky I don't charge you double. OK, so everyone looking at me. And do you all have a piece of tape? Show me, show me. Put it somewhere silly. Somewhere silly. Your forehead, your nose. Make a beard. OK. Now put it on the back of your picture and then you're gonna follow me into the hallway cos we're gonna put them up. Ten, nine, eight, a-seven, a-six, five, four, three, two, one. Beautiful. - Anyone else need tape? - I do. If it's not sticking... - Mom, you're early. - I know. The subway was so much faster than the Tram. I was at work ten minutes ago. Isn't that amazing? - I think we picked the perfect place to live. - Daddy doesn't like it here. He wants me to move with him to that other city. Oh. - When did Daddy say that? - Today. He came to see what my new school was like. Hm. - I gotta go. - OK. I'll be waiting for you. OK. Yeah, he came by to give us his cell phone number in case of an emergency. He was with Cecilia for a few minutes. He said hi, he looked at the room. Is there some problem? Is he not allowed to? Is there some restraining order against him? No. No. I was just... wondering if Ceci was... Still imagining things? Actually, I'm glad you brought that up. Her imaginary friend hasn't gone away. In fact, she threw somewhat of a tantrum during circle time when we wouldn't let her "friend" sing along. I had to have her take a time-out. There! What the hell was that? It's a poor little possum! We should take him to the vet. It was Sophie's Choice, either leave the possum there to die or wrap it up in my sports coat and reveal the short-sleeved nerd jersey lurking beneath. Careful. His hoof is bleeding on the gear shift. Sorry. This thing's dead. That'll be $120. One hundred twenty dollars for a stupid dead rat? It's so sweet that you're depressed about that poor little possum. I'll always remember him. Little Carlton. I named him after my uncle. He had red eyes. Allergic to preserves, but he spread them on everything, you know? We only lost a half hour. We can still make that reservation. There's possums everywhere! No, no, no. It's just a box. A talking box. I think your shirt stopped the bleeding. Great! - Happy birthday, Laverne. - Thanks, Carla. - Did your brother make you face cake? - Sure did! - Wow! - Can I have a piece of that face cake? I heard there was face cake. Back off! I'm saving this for my party tonight. Outstanding. Nurse, do me a favour, please. Bandage this gentleman up? They sensed my first date wasn't going perfectly. Though I could smell face cake in the air, it was about to get worse. - Dr Dorkian, I presume? - The ex-girlfriend from hell. Get out! Get out before she sprays her toxic stink over your new relationship. Danni, love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU. You were going to take me back to the underpass! After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass? She's your nightmare sister. You take her to dinner. I spent the day with her. She stole a sweater. So what? You're the one wearing it. Now, let's go eat. I've had nothing all day except vodka and olives. Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie. Are you doing this because I forgot to shave? Lord! That's a one-day moustache? No, Lonnie. It's so great, because the residents are practically our slaves. I just said slaves to my new black girlfriend! Unfreeze, J.D., it's over. So... what's wrong with this guy? Well, let's see. "Fatigue, fever, malaise". - Have you been to Hong Kong, sir? - Yeah. And then I said something stupid. Could be SARS. I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown. What have you done, Newbie? Quarantinis, anyone? Mr Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in 20 years, so I bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back, and that will take several hours. Hang in there, don't forget this is Dr Dorian's fault. Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie. Hey. SARS sucks. OK. You can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law. - Hi. - Hi. Otherwise, bear in mind that we are short-handed. - There are only four doctors here. - I counted more than that. I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Pee Pants is a pathologist, he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, Greek for "fake doctor", and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons. There's only two of us. You are so very useless, I counted you both twice. Yeah, you did. Be honest. Is this the worst first date you've ever been on? I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting, being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. - I wish I could be your assistant. - Say no more. - Lonnie, shirt. - No! Don't make me say pants. I'll do it. Still tanning, I see. - He's your bitch, isn't he? - Yeah. That is so cute! I'll go change. - It looks like she's having fun. - It's a front. She's miserable. The highlight was putting a possum to sleep. That's not a euphemism. J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor. I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11 -year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forgot... - So, what first, doctor? - Well, you need a chart. Lonnie, chart! You look ridiculous. Except for that glorious moustache. Hey, grouchy pants, want to hang out? Does "hang out" mean choke you? Hey, Danni, what's shaking? Turk and Carla's wedding, we made out. - So did we. - Was it at the same time? I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings. Leaving. Good show, fellows. Wait for me, Per-Per! Smooth manoeuvre, Hoover. You scared her off. You were the one who was embarrassingly forward! I'm bored. I'm a surgeon, and there's no surgery. Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short. He needs his bedsores redressed. That's nurse stuff. I don't have the expertise. - Turk, any idiot can be a nurse. - I know. I just think... I knew you thought that. I knew it! You tricked me. - Say she's mine, Murphy! - Not till you kill me! Only thing I detest more than treating patients is treating them on an empty stomach. I'm famished. - We've been here for eight minutes. - I haven't eaten today. I was starving myself. I was going to a steakhouse tonight. It was gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse, and lots of blood thinners. That's an incredibly boring story with a fantastic finish! Five bucks says you can't do that twice. You're on. Double or nothing. So how's it going with Kylie? There was nothing exciting going on. This sucks. I need to look like a stud. I can't unless I save somebody's life. - I need someone to have a heart attack. - Got 20 bucks? So, Nurse Ghandirilla, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and go ahead and top him off with a special sponge bath, happy ending optional. His choice, not yours. - The guy's in a coma. - Not all of him. - Not here. Not here. Not here. - Danni! - Hi! - Oh, good! You're here. Since we're amigos now, could you do me a solid? This bald, sad clown isn't really much of a nurse, so could you go ahead and keep an eye on him for me? Yeah, sure. I'd love to. - Hey, didn't I go to your wedding? - Yeah. You threw up on my gram-gram. Hey! You can't get inside my head. Hey, mentally strong! You can't smoke in here. I don't see any signs. So how much does he owe me, Barbarino? Six hundred, so far. Damn it, man. You cannot afford this. Stop. Stop. Stop. Come on, Steve. Stay with me, buddy! You're not getting this one yet, Lord! - Could you make your face a bit redder? - I want more money. - What? - Fifty bucks, or I tell her. - I don't have it! - Get it! Elliot, I need another doctor here, stat! - Give me $30. - I gave you 20. I'm tapped! Ask Johnson. He's loaded. I need a dermatologist over here, stat! Oh, yeah! Time to shine. What do you need? Is it a rash? I paid him to fake a heart attack. He wants 50 bucks. We only have 20. You know, I feel like you guys just use me for my money. You have a trust fund! Now give me the money! - Clear! - I'm alive! J.D., one. Lord, zero. Just like that, love was in the air. It was as if our first date got others talking about some of theirs. I had a first date where we played paintball. All he did the whole time was shoot me in the face. After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough!" You know? First dates, huh? Somebody give me 700 bucks. I went out with a girl. She was the worst first date. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and I decide to take it out... OK. Your turn is done. The worst one I had was with a guy who took me to a dumpy pizza parlour, right? You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one. OK! She didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies. Believe that? - It had anchovies. - And pineapples. And pineapples? - And red peppers. - And green peppers. - Wait... Red peppers. - No! I heard the pain in my best friend's voice, and felt how little I cared. By the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy. You know something? Seeing you in your element today, you seem so... Here it comes... sexy. Genuine. She would have said sexy if I had a moustache. You know, James lied all the time, and I don't know... It's just nice to be with a guy I can trust. Cool. Oh, no. I don't deserve this. I'm no better than her ex-boyfriend. I paid a hobo to fake a heart attack. So you just tell her the truth, she's mad for a while, then forgives you. I see what you're saying. There's no downside. Kylie you dated the devil. - Turk. - And you lied to me. - No! You never asked if I dated Dr Cox. You can ask me anything. - I would never lie to you. - Do you sometimes wish I had hair? - Yes. - This is a nightmare. - I'm standing in a nightmare. - Maybe I'm guilty of a lie of omission. - Cos you're a lie omitter! - This may be asking too much, but could you keep it together until we get home and talk about it? - Fine. - Thank you. Carla, I like your hair that way. Laverne I bet you're tempted to break open that face cake and just tear it apart. No one's touching this. Oh, I don't care. I'm not even hungry. Dr Kelso, I don't have $ 700. That sounded like the word "cake". You get me that damn face cake, and you are free and clear. - Hi, Glenn. - Hey. - I'm Glenn. - I'm Glenn! Look, let's not go down that road again. Come on. Shake. OK, it's time to come clean. I brought you here because I want to tell you... Say I'm Glenn! That's peculiar. - What I really wanted to say was... - J.D., J. D! Look at me! That's the kind of girl my ex-boyfriend would have dated. I barely know her. The lies begin again. I would never sleep with her. That's it. You're stronger than this. No lies! I race motorcycles. Excuse me. - What are you doing? - I need more cash. - For what? - I'm putting DSL in my box. Fine! But know this: You've been nothing but a disappointment to me since the moment I ran over you. - Hey, baby. - Keep it together. Do you remember that quarantine we had seven years ago? It was just you and me, all alone, late at night, here in the ICU? - That's it! - Turk! You had to do that? Come on. If he wasn't jealous, it wouldn't be a big deal. Give him a break! What if Jordan had a history with somebody? Oh, fair enough. Hey, everyone, in the brief 18 months that Jordan and I weren't together, how many of you had your way with her? Bear in mind, I need absolute honesty here or I will brain you. Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position it was long overdue, but thank you. - You're welcome. You're a freak. Who ate my face fake? He did. $ 700. Wow, he is really out. A mild sedative fell into his juice box. J.D., I know why you're lying about everything. You don't think you're good enough. You've always been insecure, even though you're this funny, weird, amazing guy. I mean, that's why I fell in love with you, and I'm betting if you just act like yourself, Kylie will too. Thanks, Elliot. Really. But that's a load of crap. Nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is acting like somebody you're not until they like you enough to show them who you are. - No, it's not. - What do you call that bra - you wore for your date? - The miracle lift super push-up bra. Not everyone's as insecure as me. Carla, when you first dated Turk, - did you say you loved basketball? - Yeah. - How many have you watched? - One. But only because he made me choose between basketball or having sex. Exactly. When I get out of here, I'll treat her better than anyone has. I just gotta make it through tonight. Keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino. I don't understand why Carla didn't tell me about you guys. Maybe because she's really in love with me, and we injected you with diabetes to very slowly get you out of the picture. Or maybe it's because I really liked her, but she didn't feel the same way about me, and I got the forehead kiss after spending 90 dollars on theatre tickets. Or maybe, and this is a huge outside maybe, maybe she knows you're the kind of person who freaks out over irrelevant things from the past. Personally, I hope it's all three. They say all horrible things eventually come to an end. The lab results are back, and there is no SARS. The quarantine is over. So, bye-bye, everyone. That looks like my neck! Oh, this does not end well for you. Thanks for the heads-up, jumpsuit. You are going to pay every cent of that $ 700. Double or nothing! We're even. Good night, sir. Dr. Kelso made me realize that lies come back to haunt you, even little ones about cake. Even a lie of omission shook the foundation of a couple that was much more established than Kylie and me. I knew I couldn't let her go out that door. - Let's go. - Kylie, wait. I paid Steve 50 bucks and an IOU for another 120 to fake a heart attack. - I really wanted tonight to go well. - Is there anything else? Adios, assface. I had sex with her a lot. - Why are you telling me this? - If I don't come clean, whether it's a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it will come back to haunt me, ruin us, I don't want that. I'm not looking for a project. Yeah. I understand. So get it together. Now let's go get some coffee. Wait. You know, if we leave like that, that's how you'll remember tonight. - I don't want that. - So, what do you want to do? ...new studies conducted by the cities indicate an increase in the city's homeless community... Malone. Mm-hmm. Okay. I'll be right there. Just hang on. What are you doing here? My doctor cleared me last night. I'm good. I thought you needed surgery. I do, but I'm good to work until then. Don't worry. I can't help it, I do. It's all you do. You got to take up a new hobby. Who's the kid? He's the one that called in the missing persons report. His name's Robert Limesant. He lives downstairs in 2-A. Apparently, he was the last one to see John Michaels before he disappeared. Actually, you might want to talk to him yourself. Okay. Hey, how are you doing? My name is Jack. My partner tells me that you saw something. Yeah. The man you're looking for, yeah. He came up here to ill himself. Well, what makes you say that? Well, 'cause he, he went over to that ledge there and he was about to jump. But he didn't? No. He saw something down in the street. What'd he see? Two men, j-just standing by a car. What kind of car? It was a dark sedan, four doors. I think maybe he knew them. Because he changed his mind. And he stepped off the ledge. He never even looked at me. He just dropped his groceries and went back downstairs. What, to see the men? Yeah. They talked for, like, a minute or two, and then he got in the car. Did he get in voluntarily, or did they force him in? I-I couldn't tell. 3X22: JOHN MICHAELS Morning. Hey. I figured you could use one of these. Oh, no, thanks, I'm good. You sure? Yeah. No, I'm great. Okay. So, uh, who's the guy? His name's John Michaels. He's 71 years old, recently retired from a company called Farber Billings Insurance. He was a claims investigator. Worked in the same place for 38 years. A company man. Did two campaigns in Korea. Got a couple of silver stars. So he's a war hero, too. Yeah. Any family? Divorced. Couple of grown daughters. What's with the music? Uh... I don't know. It's been playing since I got here. Huh. End of his life, and this is all the guy's got. It's sad. All the boxes. These his old files? I guess he didn't know what to do with them. Well, if he was a claims investigator, I'm sure he made a lot of enemies. I want to start here. Yeah, okay. Okay. Nothing so far. You know, it's weird. The guy's lived in that apartment for twelve years, yet nobody in the neighborhood recognizes him at all, let alone remembers him getting into that car. Yeah, well, keep looking. Somebody's got to know him. Where's that bag of groceries? Taken to Forensics. Why? Check for prints. The usual, but, uh we do have photos right... here. Great. You know what I don't understand? Hmm? Why would a guy go shopping at a supermarket just before he's going to kill himself? Well, maybe he didn't know he was going to kill himself. Maybe... something happened on the way home from the market. Did we find the daughters? Mm-mm. We're not showing any contact in recent phone records, but... we did find his ex-wife. Martha Scoggins. She lives out in Larchmont. He called her twice last week on consecutive days, one-minute calls, probably messages. He got in the car with two men? According to an eyewitness, yes. And you don't know who they are? Well, we were hoping that you could help us with that. I wouldn't know anything. I understand he called you a couple of times last week. What was that about? Left a couple of messages. Which you didn't return. That's right. How long you been divorced? Twenty-one years. If you don't mind me saying, it seems like an awful long time for you to hold a grudge. He's a very selfish man. Well, come on, it's got to be more than that. What'd he do? Cheat on you? That's just the tip of the iceberg, but yes. With his secretary, no less. Mrs. Scoggins, uh, what exactly did he say on his messages? That he wanted to see me to talk, which I had no interest in, and then he showed up here. John? It's been a long time. You look like you haven't been taking very good care of yourself. Look, I came here because there were some things that I wanted to say to you. I'm not sure I'm interested in hearing them. Oh, for crying out loud, Martha, I'm trying to apologize. Could you just listen? What do you have to apologize for? I wasn't much of a husband. I don't know why. I just couldn't do it. Well, if you're expecting me to forgive you now, it's not gonna happen. I want to contact Helen. How do I do that? I can't help you there. Last I heard from her was two years ago. She was living with some drugged-up boyfriend in Newark. Do you have a phone number? It's out of service. What about Katherine? Would she know? She knows as much as I do. You did well for yourself, Martha. It's no great love affair, but... at least he's around. Yeah. You take care. Hadn't seen him in sixteen years, and he comes all the way over here to say... that he wasn't much of a husband. And Helen is your daughter? Helen and Katherine. Where's Katherine? She's a lawyer in Philadelphia, but I doubt if she has any idea where John is, either. All the same, I'd like her number, please. All right. Thank you. You were really hard on her. Yeah, well, she was really hard on him. Well, sounds like he deserved it. Do I wish the old bastard was dead? You bet. Did I do something to him? No, I didn't. Where were you about two days ago, at 4:00? His name is Barry Mashburn. His wife died about a year ago. She was burnt to death in a fire in their house. John Michaels was the one who was investigating the life insurance claim. He denied payment. Why? An electrician went to their house a couple months before the fire and told Mashburn that the house had electrical problems. Unfortunately, Mashburn didn't do anything about it. Did he confront Michaels? Yeah. Three weeks ago he went to Farber Billings. It almost came to blows. What kind of car does Mashburn drive? He doesn't own one. As a matter of fact, he's bankrupt. He had to sell everything. I'm checking to see if he rented a car, or if maybe one of his friends drives a dark sedan, okay? Okay. Hi. Hey. I may have a lead on what might have gotten Michaels into trouble. Oh, yeah? What's that? Well, last week or so, he's been hanging out quite a bit at a strip club in Jersey. Spent thousands of dollars on his credit card. - Sam and I are gonna go check it out. - No... I want you to stay here and see if you can find his daughters. I'll take Sam to the strip club. Welcome to Déja vu. Would you like a table? Yeah, sure. Right this way. Can I get you something to drink? Uh, yeah, scotch on the rocks. I'll just have a club soda, please. What are you doing? Just getting the lay of the land. Yeah. Hi, there. Hey. Are you interested in a dance? No, not just yet. Thank you. We could go upstairs to a private room. I've got a special rate for couples. What do you think, hon? Uh, let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen this man before? You're cops? FBI. Have you seen this man? I'm sorry, I don't know anything. And, uh, I shouldn't be talking to you. Like I told you, I was just getting the lay of the land. Yeah, well, whoever that guy is over there, she seemed pretty scared of him. I think I know why John Michaels comes here all the time. Why? That's his daughter. Let's hear it for Hope - the hot, the sexy... Hope! Next up: Destiny. Look, I really don't care where the hell he is, okay? I didn't ask if you cared. I asked what he was doing here. He wanted to talk. - He wanted to talk? - Mm-hmm. He dropped a couple grand here last week. Well, my time's expensive. How'd he find you? He's an investigator. I think it's his job. Hmm? Well, according to his credit card, he was here the day he disappeared. What did he want? He was trying to save me. I'm begging you. This is no life for you. Yeah, I don't think that's any of your business, okay? Yeah, it is my business. I'm your father. Oh, little late for that, don't you think? Helen, please, come on. You're smart. You've always been smart. Okay, you don't need to do this. Hey, what's going on over there? Hey, I paid my time, all right? Just back off. Is that the guy that's got a leash around your neck? Yeah, he's my boyfriend. He's your boyfriend? Yeah, he is. He's your pimp. Please. Helen, listen to me. I've changed everything. I've set it up for you, okay? I've set it up so that you could do whatever you want. You don't have to stay here. Hey, buddy! Get your hands off her! I can get you out of here. I've got it set up... Hey! Get your hands off... Why don't you just back off! Oh, my God. Okay, what the hell are you doing? - Just back off. - Get out! Just get out, okay? Listen to me. Look at me! I want you out. I want you out of my life. There is nothing here. So just go. I don't want to see you anymore. Just get out of my life. - Now, just wait... - I'm not coming! Get out! Get! Out! There's nothing here! Stupid. So, uh... Hope told you that? Never mind who told us what. Just answer the question. Look, I don't know what happened, all right? Crazy old bat's walking around, waving a gun all over the place. No wonder he got himself into trouble. Well, according to the parking attendant, you followed him outside that day and had a few words with him. Want to share? Wanted to have a little chat with him. Tell him what's what. Hey! Old man. You got a problem? Let's deal with it now and not later. That's my daughter you're screwing around with in there. Now I get it. You think what she's all about, you, uh, you think that's on me, right? Yeah. Yeah, well, let me tell you something. Every single girl I got in there? Major daddy complex. It all comes back to that. So, look, I don't know if you, uh,... if you banged her, if you beat her, or if you just left her. But whatever she's got going on, that's on you, my friend. Then three hours later, two guys show up to his apartment and shove him into a car that looks suspiciously like this one. Well, you know, the world's made up of funny coincidences. Well, then I guess you wouldn't mind if we processed your car for prints. Be my guest. I am gonna nail your ass to the wall. Is somebody here? Nope. I just keep it on so that nobody breaks in. Mm. You're not going to arrest me, are you? What is this crap? Do you think that little of yourself? Don't go psychoanalyzing me, pops. What the hell are you doing? I'm taking a shower. You want to join me? What, do you think? This is some kind of game? Isn't it? So... you think Freddy's little speech about daddy complexes is what sent my father over the edge? Well, I don't think kicking him out of the club helped much. What, are you blaming me now? I didn't say that. - One saved message... - Hey, hey, what are you doing? Shh. Hey. It's your father. I just called to tell you... I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I should have been there for you. I changed my life insurance policy so that if anything happens to me, you get half. I want you to use that money to clean yourself up. I'm begging you, honey. Clean yourself up. Don't waste the rest of your life trying to punish me. It's not worth it. I know it's hard to believe... but I love you. Why didn't you tell me any of this? Look, I don't know what the hell you want from me. But if Freddy sent over a couple guys to hurt my dad, then I don't know what I could've done about that. What the hell is going on here? You Katherine? - Yeah. Helen, what is this? - Um... I'm Jack. I, uh, I called you. I asked you to come. Why was she half naked? That's how she spends most of her life. Look at this place. It's a dump. Your sister is in serious trouble. Tell me about it. But you can get help. There are programs. You can get therapy. I've done everything. She will not be happy until she kills herself. Did your father ever do anything to her? No. Never. Never? You want the whole story? Yeah. It's a cliché. Emotionally unavailable father... uptight, frigid mother; divorce... lousy stepfathers. Younger one survives, older one takes on all the crap. Apparently he's been trying to make amends lately. Oh, yeah? Since he retired, he visited your mom and Hope. Helen. Her name's Helen. Right. Helen. And I was just wondering if he'd contacted you. I haven't heard from him in six months, since, uh... June. Birthday call. Christmas card. That's pretty much what you get from him. Well, I got to get back to work, um... keep an eye on your sister. Here's my business card. If you need me, just give me a call. Yeah. Thanks. Doris? Your girls are beautiful. Yes, they are. I heard your wife took them to Chicago. That you're getting divorced? Yeah. I'm sorry to hear that. What are you doing here? There are some people who are concerned about you. Who's that? I don't think it's important that I name names, but... we all know that this job can take a lot out of you. And with everything that's going on in your personal life... Why don't you just let me take care of my own personal life, okay? Is that any way to talk to your boss? No, I guess not. Look, all I'm saying... is you're not alone, Jack. You should know that. Jack? You're not going to believe this. I've been doing this job for fourteen years. I bet I will. John Michaels and your father know each other. As a matter of fact, they've been talking over the past couple weeks. Those are John Michaels' phone records. Come in. Hey, Dad. Hey, Jack. Come in. You want something to eat? No. Do you know a guy named John Michaels? Yeah. Well, who is he? An old army buddy of mine. You never told me you were friends with him. I know a lot of guys. You didn't know everyone I knew. For goodness sake, what...? Have you seen him recently? What's this about? He's missing. I think something serious may have happened to him. Oh, geez, I... you know, he just retired. He was having a tough time with that. Was he here? Yeah. He was here just a few days ago. What did you guys talk about? His dougthers Boy, do they have it in for him. What do you mean, have it in for him? Well, you know, they blame him for everything that's gone wrong with their lives, you know. I mean, what else is new? What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know. I mean, no matter what you do, your kids end up hating you. Is that what you told him? Is that what you think? You think I hate you? I don't know, I... you want something to drink? Dad... What do you want, beer? Scotch? I don't hate you. What do you want? I never hated you. I got soda, too. Malone. She's dead. What? Who is this? Katherine Michaels. My sister's dead. Okay, just... stay where you are, okay? Don't move. I'll be right there. I got to go. I'll talk to you later. I... I went to the store to get some groceries. I was only gone twenty minutes. When I got back, this is how I found her. Where were you? Hey. Hey. The door was open. Was it? Yeah. Are you all right? Yeah. I just came back to change my shirt and freshen up a little. Right. Well, preliminary forensics show that Michaels was not in Freddy Katan's car , and Freddy was at the club when Helen was killed. Or he could have sent someone. I don't see why he would. Not with us breathing down his neck. There's got to be something else going on. You know, I should never have left them there. I should have sent protection. You didn't know, Jack. Can I just say, uh... you don't seem like yourself lately. I don't really feel like myself lately. Did Dr. Harris prescribe these for you? Mm-hmm. Pretty strong stuff. Oh, you're one of the people who's concerned for me. We're all concerned for you. Jack... Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! What are you doing? ! - Sorry, okay? - God! I don't know what I was doing. It was just... Yeah, Spade. Hey, it's me. How is he? Uh, he's okay. What's up? Well, it turns out that John Michaels had two life insurance policies. He split one of them between his two daughters and the other one went to a woman named Susan Smithwick. Who's she? I don't know. But she did work at a company called Kenosha Securities. I'm so sorry to hear that. Since when? A couple days ago. Two men were seen shoving him into the back of a car. Oh, my God. Do you have any idea who they might be? No. Are you aware that you stand to inherit about a half a million dollars if he dies? How's that? He changed his life insurance policy about four days ago. You are now one of the recipients. Why would he leave anything to me? I was hoping you might be able to answer that question. No, I can't. You said about a week ago he was here and that you were talking. What were you talking about? We were talking about old times, really. I'll never understand what you saw in me in the first place. You were smart and charismatic and a boss. And of course, that was sexy. And I was married. That was sexy, too. I'll admit it. You know, if I ever hurt you... I'm sorry. I was young and stupid and didn't know much about how to take care of myself. But I moved on. I married a wonderful man and had children. And I am going to be a grandmother soon. - Really? - Mm-hmm. You got pictures? My son and his wife's expecting twins, actually. Did you ever, uh... get remarried? Oh, no. Never had the stomach for it. I'm sorry. For what? You seem sad. Do you remember that case we worked on together when we first started out? Sure. I never solved it. It was almost thirty years ago. Yeah, I know. But I can't get it out of my head. I never could. That's how we got involved in the first place. You know, long hours working on that case. Which case? It was a life insurance claim. A woman gassed herself in her car. What was her name? I don't remember. But, um... John was always convinced that the woman's husband had killed her and made it look like a suicide. He could just never prove it. Wha-what the hell are you doing? You lied to me. What? You lied to me. What are you talking about? I know why John Michaels came here. He was the investigator on Mom's life insurance claim. He came here to confront you. Yeah, that's right, that's right. You got it! What has he got on you? He's got nothing on me. Look, I told him he was crazy. He's crazy! He's crazy? I got the whole file here. It's all here! Everything! Your affairs with other women! The police report from when you broke her arm. That was an accident! That's not what he thinks! After all this time, you still can't give it up. Are you still trying to pin this on me? There's a notation here. There's a notation here, okay? And it's new, okay? He found something new. Yeah, you got all the answers. He came here to expose you. That's why you sent those two men over there to get him. That's why you sent the same two men to kill Hope. What did she do? ! What did she know? ! I don't even know any Hope! Who were the two guys? ! Who were the two guys you sent? ! Look... were they your army spook buddies? ! I didn't do a damn thing! You're both crazy! You didn't want her, did you? You didn't want her. She was sick and you couldn't deal with it. And you wanted her gone! Did I ever think my life would be better without her? Sure. Did I ever think about leaving her? Yeah! But did I? No! You know why? ! Because I loved her, you son of a... You are a liar! You never loved her! You think I'd have that picture there if I didn't love her? My life ended the day she died! What are you doing? I'm arresting you. Jack, I'm your father! Shut up. I need to talk to you. Look, I'm sorry, okay? Jack, it's not about that. Okay, listen. You know we've been canvassing John Michaels' neighborhood to see if anyone saw him being pushed into that car, right? Right. There's a kid who works across the street at the deli. He took a picture of the car that day. It's a government plate. Jack... that's your car. Who took my car? What are you talking about? Somebody here stole my car, and they took him. Took who? John Michaels! Jack! Well, where is he? Where'd you take him? I think you're asking the wrong questions, Jack. Really. What questions should I be asking? What questions? ! Jack! Stop it now. What the hell's going on? The case is closed. What do you mean, it's closed? It's closed. Did you find him? I'm afraid he's a lost cause. It's not too late for you, though. What the hell are you talking about? What the hell is wrong with all of you? ! You're tired, Jack. Go home. You're late. I been looking for you. Well, here I am. I thought they took you away. Not yet. Well, I don't understand. You will. What did you find out... about my mother? I found her suicide note. What did it say? This is not about her, Jack. This is about you. What did it say? ! It said to let go. Let go? Let go of what? Just let go. Reach out to the people close to you. I don't need anyone. You happy with the way your life's turned out so far? And who the hell are you to judge my life? You know damn well who I am. I have no idea who you are. For the record... I want you to state your full name. What? Come on, Jackie boy, state your full name. No! Oh, are you afraid? Afraid of what? Let's have it. What the hell do you want? Just your name. Drop the weapon. Vivian, what are you doing here? Get out of here! Why? Because this is my business! Your business is my business. Drop the weapon. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the truth, Jack. Vivian, Vivian, get out of here. This is who you are. This is who you're gonna be. I said now! Vivian! Viv? He just caught you in the side. I think you're gonna be okay. No, my heart... Why didn't you just let me help you? You're the one who's dying; I should be helping you. Vivian... What'd you do to her, Jack? I didn't do anything. - I mean, there was nothing I could do, Danny... - Put the gun down, Jack. - It was... it was him. I'm telling you, it was him, it wasn't me. - Jack, please put the gun down. - Danny, you got to believe me. I had nothing to do with this. - Jack put the gun down - All you have to do is say your name. - No! Jack, Jack, please put the gun down. Danny, this isn't what you think it is. I'm gonna kill you. Did you really think you were gonna get rid of me that easily? For the record state your full name, please. Just admit to who you are or this is what happens. Say it. Just say your name. John Michael Malone. Yeah. Was that so hard? No. But now I am alone. No, you're not. Like I said, all you have to do is let go. They're waiting for you. You are a liar! Why don't you just admit who you are? Why didn't you just let me help you? Danny, this isn't what you think it is! You're not alone, Jack. Doris? Subtitles by Chiva SNew studies conducted by the city indicated an increase in the city's homeless community. It is estimated that over 50 percent... Malone. Okay. I'll be right there. Just hang on. What are you doing here? My doctor cleared me. I'm good. I thought you needed surgery. I do, but I'm good to work until then. Don't worry. I can't help it, I do. Yeah, it's all you do. You gotta take up a new hobby. Who's the kid? He's the one that called in the report. His name's Robert Lemecent. He lives downstairs in 2 A. Apparently, he was the last one to see John Michaels before he disappeared. Actually, you might wanna talk to him yourself. Okay. Hey, how you doing? Hi. My name's Jack. My partner tells me that you saw something. Yeah, the man you're looking for. Yeah, he came up here to kill himself. What makes you say that? Because he went over that ledge there, and he was about to jump. But he didn't? No. He saw something on the street. What'd he see? Two men just standing by a car. What kind of car? It was a dark sedan, four doors. I think maybe he knew them. He changed his mind, and he stepped off the ledge. He never even looked at me. Just dropped his groceries and went back downstairs. Well, did you see the men? Yeah. They talked for, like, a minute or two, and then he got in the car. Did he get in voluntarily, or did they force him in? I couldn't tell. Morning. Hey. I figured you could use one of these. No. Thanks. I'm good. Are you sure? Yeah. No, I'm great. Okay. So who's the guy? His name's John Michaels, 71 years old. He recently retired from a company called Farber Billings Insurance. He was a claims investigator. Worked in the same place for 38 years. Company man. Did two campaigns in Korea. Got a couple of Silver Stars. So he's a war hero too? Yeah. Any family? Divorced. Couple of grown daughters. What's with the music? I don't know. It's been playing since I got here. End of his life, and this is all the guy's got. It's sad. Lot of boxes. Are these his old files? I guess he didn't know what to do with them. Well, if he was a claims investigator, I'm sure he made enemies. I'm gonna start here. Yeah, okay. Okay. Nothing so far. It's weird. The guy's lived in that apartment for 12 years yet nobody recognizes him at all let alone remembers him getting into the car. Yeah, well, keep looking. Somebody's gotta know him. Where's that bag of groceries? Forensics. Why? Check for prints. The usual. But we do have photos right here. Great. You know what I don't understand? Why would a guy go shopping just before he was gonna kill himself? Maybe he didn't know he was gonna kill himself. Maybe something happened on the way home from the market. Did we find the daughters? We're not showing any contact in the phone records. But we did find his ex wife. Martha Scoggins. She lives out in Larchmont. Called her twice last week on consecutive days. One minute calls. Probably messages. Got in the car with two men? According to an eyewitness. You don't know who they are? We were hoping that you could help us. I wouldn't know anything. He called you a couple times last week. What was that about? He left a couple of messages. Which you didn't return? That's right. How long have you been divorced? Twenty one years. If you don't mind me saying it seems like a long time for you to hold a grudge. He's a very selfish man. Well, come on. It's gotta be more than that. What'd he do? Cheat on you? That's just the tip of the iceberg, but, yes. With his secretary, no less. Mrs. Scoggins, what exactly did he say on his messages? That he wanted to see me, to talk, which I had no interest in. And then he showed up here. John? It's been a long time. You look like you haven't been taking very good care of yourself. I came here because there were some things that I wanted to say to you. I'm not sure I'm interested in them. Martha, I'm trying to apologize. Could you just listen? What do you have to apologize for? I wasn't much of a husband. I don't know why. I just couldn't do it. Well, if you're expecting me to forgive you now, it's not gonna happen. I wanna contact Helen. How do I do that? I can't help you there. Last I heard from her was two years ago. She was living with some drugged up boyfriend in Newark. Do you have a number? It's out of service. What about Katherine? Does she know? She knows as much as I do. You did well for yourself, Martha. It's no great love affair, but at least he's around. Yeah. You take care. I hadn't seen him in 16 years and he comes all the way over here to say he wasn't much of a husband. And Helen is your daughter? Helen and Katherine. And where's Katherine? She's a lawyer in Philadelphia. Doubt she has any idea where John is. All the same, I'd like her number. All right. Thank you. You were really hard on her. She was really hard on him. Well, sounds like he deserved it. Do I wish the old bastard was dead? You bet. Did I do something to him? No, I didn't. Where were you about two days ago, at 4:00? His name's Barry Mashburn. His wife died about a year ago. She burned to death. John Michaels was the one investigating the claim. He denied payment. Why? An electrician went to their house before the fire and told Mashburn the house had problems. Unfortunately, Mashburn didn't do anything. Did he confront Michaels? Yeah. Three weeks ago, he went to Farber Billings. Almost came to blows. What kind of car does Mashburn drive? He doesn't own one. He's bankrupt. He had to sell everything. I'm checking to see if he rented a car or one of his friends drives a sedan. Okay? Okay. Hi. Hey. I may have a lead on Michaels. Oh, yeah? What's that? He's been hanging out at a strip club in Jersey. Spent thousands on his credit card. Sam and I are gonna go check it out. I want you to stay here, see if you can find his daughters. I'll take Sam to the strip club. Welcome to Déjà Vu. Would you like a table? Yeah, sure. Right this way. Can I get you something to drink? Yeah. Scotch on the rocks. I'll just have a club soda, please. What are you doing? Just getting the lay of the land. Yeah. Hi there. Hey. Are you interested in a dance? No, not just yet. Thank you. We could go upstairs to a private room. I've got a special rate for couples. What do you think, hon? Let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen this man before? You're cops? FBI. Have you seen this man? I'm sorry, I don't know anything, and I shouldn't be talking to you. I'm just getting the lay of the land. Yeah, well, whoever that guy is over there, she seemed pretty scared of him. Think I know why John Michaels comes here all the time. Why? That's his daughter. Let's hear it for Hope. The hot, the sexy, Hope! Next up, Destiny. Look, I really don't care where the hell he is, okay? I didn't ask if you cared. I asked what he was doing here. He wanted to talk. He wanted to talk? He dropped a couple grand here last week. Well, my time's expensive. How'd he find you? He's an investigator. I think it's his job. According to his credit card, he was here the day he disappeared. What did he want? We was trying to save me. Now, I'm begging you. This is no life. I don't think that's your business. It is my business. I'm your father. Little late for that, don't you think? Helen, please, come on. You're smart. You've always been smart, okay? You don't need to do this. Hey, what's going on over there? Hey, I paid my time, all right? Just back off. That guy's got a leash around you? Yeah, he's my boyfriend. He's your boyfriend? Yeah, he is. He's your pimp. Please. Helen, listen to me. I've changed everything. I've set it up for you, okay? I've set up so that you can do whatever you want. You don't have to stay here. Hey, buddy, get your hands off her. I can get you out of here. Back off. What the hell are you doing? Back off. Get out! Just get out, okay? Listen to me. Look at me. I want you out of my life. There is nothing here. So just go. I don't wanna see you. Get out of my life. I just want you to I'm not coming. Get out! Get out! There's nothing here! Stupid... So Hope told you that? Never mind who told us. Just answer the question. Look, I don't know what happened, all right? Crazy old bat's walking around waving a gun. No wonder he got into trouble. According to the parking attendant you followed him out and had words with him. Wanna share? Wanted to have a little chat with him. Tell him what's what. Hey. Old man. You got a problem? Let's deal with it now, not later. That's my daughter you're screwing around with in there. Now I get it. You think what she's all about, you think that's on me? Yeah. Well, let me tell you something. Every single girl I got in there major daddy complex. It all comes back to that. So look, I don't know if you banged her or if you beat her, or if you just left her but whatever she's got going on, that's on you, my friend. Yeah, then three hours later, two guys show up to his apartment and shove him into a car that looks suspiciously like this one. You know, the world's made up of coincidences. Well, then I guess you wouldn't mind if we processed your car for prints. Be my guest. I am gonna nail your ass to the wall. Is somebody here? Nope. I just keep it on so that nobody breaks in. You're not gonna arrest me, are you? What is this crap? Do you think that little of yourself? Don't go psychoanalyzing me, pops. What the hell are you doing? Taking a shower. Wanna join me? You think this is some kind of game? Isn't it? So you think Freddy's little speech about daddy complexes sent my father over the edge? I don't think kicking him out of the club helped. What, are you blaming me now? I didn't say that. One saved message... Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey. It's your father. I just called to tell you that I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I should have been there for you. I changed my life insurance policy so that if anything happens to me you get half. I want you to use that money to clean yourself up. I'm begging you, honey. Clean yourself up. Don't waste the rest of your life trying to punish me. It's not worth it. I know it's hard to believe but I love you. Why didn't you tell me any of this? Look, I don't know what the hell you want from me. But if Freddy sent a couple guys to hurt my dad I don't know what I could've done. What the hell is going on here? Are you Katherine? Yeah. Helen, what is this? I don't know. I'm Jack. I called you. I asked you to come. Why was she half naked? That's how she spends most of her life. Look at this place. It's a dump. Your sister is in serious trouble. Tell me about it. You can get help. There are programs, therapy. I've done everything. She will not be happy until she kills herself. Did your father ever do anything to her? No. Never. Never? You want the whole story? Yeah. It's a cliché. Emotionally unavailable father. Uptight, frigid mother. Divorce. Lousy stepfathers. Younger one survives, older one takes on all the crap. Apparently, he's been trying to make amends. Oh, yeah? He visited your mom and Hope. Helen. Her name's Helen. Right. Helen. And I was just wondering if he'd contacted you. I haven't heard from him in six months, since June. Birthday call. Christmas card. It's pretty much what you get from him. Well, I gotta get back to work. Keep an eye on your sister. Here's my card. If you need me, just give me a call. Yeah. Thanks. Doris? Your girls are beautiful. Yes, they are. I heard your wife took them to Chicago, that you're getting divorced. Yeah. I'm sorry to hear that. What are you doing here? There are some people who are concerned about you. Who's that? I don't think it's important that I name names but we all know that this job can take a lot out of you. With everything that's going on in your life Why don't you just let me take care of my own personal life, okay? Is that any way to talk to your boss? No, I guess not. Look, all I'm saying is you're not alone, Jack. You should know that. Jack, you're not gonna believe this. I've been doing this for 14 years. I bet I will. John Michaels and your father know each other. As a matter of fact, they've been talking over the past couple weeks. Those are John Michaels' phone records. Come in. Hey, Dad. Hey, Jack. Come in. You want something to eat? No, do you know a guy named John Michaels? Yeah. Who is he? An old Army buddy of mine. You never told me you were friends. I know a lot of guys. You didn't know everyone I knew. What? Seen him recently? What's this about? Well, he's missing. Something serious may have happened. Oh, jeez, I... You know, he just retired. He was having a tough time with that. Was he here? Yeah. He was here just a few days ago. What did you guys talk about? His daughters, mostly. Boy, do they have it in for him. What do you mean, "have it in"? They blame him for everything that's gone wrong with their lives, you know? I mean, what else is new? What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know. I mean, no matter what you do, your kids end up hating you. Is that what you told him? Is that what you think? You think I hate you? I don't know. You want something to drink? Dad. What do you want? Beer? Scotch? I don't hate you. What do you want? I never hated you. I got soda too. Malone. She's dead. What? Who is this? Katherine Michaels. My sister's dead. Okay, just stay where you are, okay? Don't move. I'll be right there. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later. I went to the store to get some groceries. I was only gone 20 minutes. When I got back, this is how I found her. Where were you? Hey. Hey. Door was open. Was it? Yeah. Are you all right? Yeah. I just came back to change my shirt and freshen up a little. Right. Well, preliminary forensics show that Michaels wasn't in Freddy's car. And Freddy was at the club when Helen was killed. Or he could have sent someone. I don't see why he would. With us breathing down his neck? There's something else going on. I should never have left them there. I should have sent protection. You didn't know, Jack. Can I just say you don't seem like yourself lately? I don't really feel like myself lately. Did Dr. Harris prescribe these for you? Pretty strong stuff. Are you one of the people who's concerned for me? We're all concerned for you. Jack. Jack! Jack, Jack! Jack, what are you doing? Sorry, okay? God! I don't know what I was doing. I was just... Yeah, Spade. Hey, it's me. How is he? He's okay. What's up? Well, it turns out that John Michaels had two life insurance policies. He split one between his daughters. The other went to a Susan Smithwick. Who's she? I don 't know. But she did work at a company called Kenosha Securities. I'm sorry to hear that. Since when? Couple days ago. Two men were seen shoving him into the back of a car. Oh, my God. Any idea who they might be? Well, no. Are you aware that you stand to inherit about a half a million dollars if he dies? How's that? He changed his life insurance policy. You are now one of the recipients. Why would he leave anything to me? I hoped you'd be able to answer that. Well, no, I can't. About a week ago, he was here, and you were talking. What were you talking about? We were talking about old times, really. I never understood what you saw in me in the first place. Well, you were smart, and charismatic, and the boss. And, of course, that was sexy. And I was married. That was sexy too. I'll admit it. You know, if I ever hurt you I'm sorry. I was young and stupid and didn't know much about how to take care of myself. But I moved on. I married a wonderful man and had children. And I am going to be a grandmother soon. Really? You got pictures? My son. And his wife's expecting twins, actually. Did you ever get remarried? No, no. Never had the stomach for it. I'm sorry. For what? You seem sad. Do you remember that case we worked on together when we first started out? Sure. I never solved it. That was almost 30 years ago. Yeah, I know. But I can't get it out of my head. I never could. That's how we got involved in the first place. You know, long hours working on that case. What was the case? It was a life insurance claim. A woman gassed herself in her car. What was her name? I don't remember. But John was always convinced that the woman's husband had killed her and made it look like a suicide. He could just never prove it. What are you doing? You lied to me. What? You lied to me. What are you talking about? I know why John Michaels came here. He was the investigator on mom's life insurance claim. He came here to confront you. Yeah, that's right. You've got it. What does he got on you? He's got nothing on me. Look, I told him he was crazy. He's crazy! He's crazy? I got the whole file here. It's all here. Everything! Your affairs with other women. The police report from when you broke her arm. An accident. Not what he thinks. You can't give it up. You're trying to pin this on me. There's a notation. There's a notation here, okay? And it's new, okay? He found something new. You got all the answers! He came to expose you. That's why you sent men to get him. That's why you sent men to kill Hope. What did she do? What did she know? I don't know any Hope! Who were the two guys? Who were the two guys you sent? Was it your Army spook buddies? I didn't do a damn thing! You're both crazy! You didn't want her, did you? You didn't want her here. She was sick, and you couldn't deal with it, and you wanted her gone! Did I ever think life would be better without her? Sure. Did I ever think about leaving her? Yeah. But did I? No. You know why? Because I loved her, you son of a bitch! You are a liar! You never loved her! You think I'd have that picture if I didn't love her? My life ended the day she died. What are you doing? I'm arresting you. Jack, I'm your father. Shut up. I need to talk to you. Look, I'm sorry, okay? Jack, it's not about that. We've been canvassing John Michaels' neighborhood to see if anyone saw him being pushed into that car, right? Right. There's a kid who works across the street at the deli. He took a picture of the car that day. It's a government plate. Jack, that's your car. Who took my car? What are you talking about? Somebody here stole my car, and they took him. Took who? John Michaels. Jack. Where is he? Where'd you take him? You're asking the wrong questions. Really? What questions should I be asking? What questions? Jack! Stop it, now. What the hell's going on? The case is closed. What you mean it's closed? It's closed. Did you find him? I'm afraid he's a lost cause. It's not too late for you, though. What the hell are you talking about? What the hell is wrong with all of you? You're tired, Jack. Go home. You're late. I've been looking for you. Well, here I am. I thought they took you away. Not yet. Well, I don't understand. You will. What did you find out about my mother? I found her suicide note. What did it say? This is not about her, Jack. This is about you. What did it say? It said to let go. Let go? Let go of what? Just let go. Reach out to the people close to you. I don't need anyone. You're happy with the way your life's turned out? Who the hell are you to judge? You know damn well who I am. I have no idea who you are. For the record, I want you to state your full name. What? Come on, state your full name. No! Are you afraid? Afraid of what? Let's have it. What the hell do you want? Just your name. Drop the weapon. Vivian, what are you doing here? Get out of here! Why? Because this is my business! Your business is my business! Drop the weapon! Sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the truth, Jack. Get out of here! This is who you are. This is who you're gonna be. I said now! Vivian! Viv. He just caught you in the side. I think you're gonna be okay. No, my heart. Why didn't you just let me help you? You're the one who's dying. I should be helping you. Vivian. What'd you do to her, Jack? I didn't do anything. There was nothing I could do. Put the gun down, Jack. It was him. Danny, I'm telling you. It wasn't me, it was him. Put the gun down. Danny. Put the gun down. I had nothing to do with this. All you have to do is say your name. No. Please put the gun down. Shut up! This isn't what you think it is. I'm gonna kill you. Did you really think you were gonna get rid of me that easily? For the record, state your full name, please. Just admit to who you are or this is what happens. Say it. Just say your name. John Michael Malone. Yeah. Was that so hard? No. But now I am alone. No, you're not. Like I said all you have to do is let go. They're waiting for you. You are a liar. Why don't you just admit who you are? Why didn't you just let me help you? This isn't what you think it is. You're not alone, Jack. Doris? Adapted by: SDI Media Group [ENGLISH] In the television comedy world, the people are entertained... by two separate yet equally important types of shows. traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations... like trying to fix your own plumbing or inviting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter. Sorry. I just farted. I'm glad you guys could come tonight. Chris, honey, we wouldn't miss your open house. You kids are the most important thing in our lives. Oh, my God! We forgot Meg. Don't worry about Meg. She's got everything she needs in her room. Most of the time, the kids'll exercise out in the field. But if it's raining or I'm hung-over, they stay inside and play dodge ball. I love dodge ball! Heads up! And this week in Home Ec, we're teaching your kids... how to make bundt cake. I love bundt cake! Heads up! The school band offers a wide variety of instruments... from the kettledrum to the trombone. I love the trombone! Wow! I know, isn't he wonderful? He took lessons in junior college. Heads up! I like meeting Chris's teachers. This ought to be more interesting than... that time I met Ted Danson. Wow! Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen! Always nice to meet a fan. Oh, shoot! I forgot my umbrella. That's okay, honey. Come on over here. Thanks, dear. Sometimes it's good to be a freak. Do you want to sleep together later? No. Thanks, though. Good evening, parents. I'm Ms. Clifton. I'd like for you to fill out these... contact information sheets. Now, who would like to pass them out? Ms. Clifton, over here! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Ms. Clifton! Mrs. Griffin. I'm sorry. Will you all please excuse me for a moment? Tonight's winning lottery numbers are... 6, 21, 18, 7, 42. Oh, my God! I won! I'm free from all those snot-nosed, little bastards! I'm free! - Is she coming back? - I don't know. I can't believe Ms. Clifton's gone. Who's gonna teach my class now? Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class? You're very knowledgeable, the kids might knock you down a few pegs... which would be good for you. You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois. I probably have a lot to offer young people. What's he going to teach them? How to lick the Dorito crumbs from between the sofa cushions? Or how to leave a dead bird on the carpet? That was a gift, you bastard. That was a gift for the family. Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning, Mr. Griffin. Please. Call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. I thought your father's name was Cocoa, and he was hit by a milk truck! all right. Our goal here is to gain a command of the English language. So you can be successful writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. There. Finished. Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon. You think we could put both our names on that? What? You've done nothing but eat Breyer's and smoke pot... for the last six months. Oh, that's... Come on! I helped. Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line. Just right now. - Just pitch me a line right now. - Okay. How about that? - That wasn't a line. You just farted. - Is there anymore pot? So, how was your first day, Mr. Kotter? Yeah, Chris. What's it like to have Brian as a teacher? It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F on my first assignment! What? An F, Brian? After all Chris has done for you? Yeah. Just kind of pull it out. Yeah. If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the garbage... why do they make it mint-flavored? Chris, when I was in school, you know what we used to do... when a teacher gave us a bad grade? - What? - We'd egg his house. - Come on. Where's this bastard live? - I'll show you. That's his house! - Take that! - I got it! Take that, you bum! What the hell are you doing? - Is that him? - Yeah! Oh, crap! Hello, class. Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin. I understand you children read my book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yeah, we read it. Now, who can tell me... Bobby, stop screwing around back there! Who can tell me the significance of the carpetbaggers in my novel? Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed. That's exactly right. Just like the presidency of James Garfield. He died in office. You kids are mighty smart. You must have a powerful good teacher. Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. - Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything? - Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here. Didn't you pass him on the stairs? Well, I hope the rest of you kids learned something today. Yeah. Good morning, this is principal Sloan. Mr. Griffin, you've been reassigned. Please report to remedial English. Reassigned? Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this? No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. On top of old Smokey Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot. Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do. Well, kids, I'll see you later. Pardon me. Is this first-period English? I'm your new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God. I'm in love. Watch out for the stairs! - Good morning, class. - Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? Two D's and an F. Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin. But you can call me Brian. Mr. Griffin is my father. Well, has anybody read Huckleberry Finn? all right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say... a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front. My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed. My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist. My name is Amanda. And my water just broke. - Oh, my God! - Yo, it's my turn to deliver. Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away. Dad, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me. Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that. You just got to do something simple, like Vincent van Gogh. It's... What is this? It's my ear. Do you like it? You don't like it. No, I like it. But it's just... Why your ear? Because I love you. Well, at least this will be a funny story to tell our kids someday. You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this. Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl? You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a condom. Use it wisely, though. It wasn't easy to obtain. What the hell are you doing? Give that back! Man! Now, where were we? This is much better. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected. Remember the naked spaceman, Lois? Yeah. You remember the naked spaceman. On my 25th birthday, your father surprised me by showing up... in nothing but a space helmet and moon boots. It just came to me. - You want some Tang, Mr. Spaceman? - Do I? Just remember, fat man, those jugs are mine until the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains. So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it. " all right, moving on- Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart. Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing? Being romantic and unexpected. Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way. - Marie? - Yeah, Donny? We cannot tell Mom. So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Gross! You know what else is gross? Broke a damn blood vessel! How's it coming, dog? God! Just listen to this kid's report on Great Expectations. "Miss Havisham should have throwed that cake out so it don't like... "mess all up the bitch's house. " I don't know what to do, you know? Society's given up on these kids. I feel like I may be the only one who can help them. I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way... that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do? Get in there tomorrow and do the robot. Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks. Okay, you can stop that now. I can't hear you. I'm a robot. - Come on, knock it off. - Does not compute. - I'm going to bed. - I do not require sleep. Let's see the kid with the hearing aid from Barney do this. all right. So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that biotch Juliet in the window. " Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying? - That's racist, man. - Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, dog. It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. We wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really- Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like to plow you. I had a feeling that's what was going on. Sorry. Our son can sometimes be a boob. I mean a melon. I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts barely covered by a racing t-shirt. Mrs. Lockhart, we just wanted you to know... so you could spare his feelings and let him down gently. Don't worry. I know exactly what to say to Chris. Thank you so much. You've been very understanding. Gosh. You know, I don't mean to impose, but do you have a picture of yourself... that I could tape to the back of Lois's head? - Mrs. Lockhart? - Chris, come down here. I need to talk to you. Why are you here? 'Cause I couldn't stand to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you. - I love you, too! - The only problem is I'm married. Therefore, there's only one thing to do. Make a flip book of a stick figure whose head gets bigger and bigger... and bigger and then pops? This isn't a flip book, Chris. They're instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband. Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty! Chris, you big beautiful man, I'm so glad you came. Up the stairs, second door on the left. He should still be asleep. - Mrs. Lockhart, I don't think I can do this. - What? Maybe you could just get a divorce, and we could live together... in the fort under my bed. Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through. Okay. But I got to give you the password, or you can't get into the fort. It's taco. Taco! Good God! Look at the fat man's underwear. It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. Don't put that in with my things! What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectful than that. Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch. Oh, my God! Chris is gonna murder Mrs. Lockhart's husband! We got to stop him! Can we stop at the supermarket? I want a Granny Smith apple. How's your oatmeal, honey? You know, it tastes kind of different than usual. Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeal. Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started. Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle? What, this? You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and. " My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took... that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company. Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by, I'll make sure he thinks you're... Mr. Griffin, chillax. We're doing the best we can. There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hooker. - I could be a ditch digger? - A motel maid? I could be a hooker? Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker. Wow, Mr. Griffin! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything. Well, I didn't mean sell your body for money. "O, Captain! my Captain! " No, you're actually misunderstanding. "O, Captain! my Captain! " Well, if it works for you, I guess... "O, Captain! my Captain! " What the hell? Be the best damn hooker you can be. "O, Captain! my Captain! " In your case, I'd get the money up front. Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now. We're too late! Oh, my God. Okay, I gotta call the police. What's that smell? Dead body, right. That's what that is. I just had a dream I was an egg, and I was being hatched by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. No, wait a minute. I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz. Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there Whether you're white or bronze A man can wash another man in the merry old land of Oz all right, wait here, Stewie, while Mommy gets the cement blocks. - Everything all right here? - Fine, Officer. Just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there? - What happened to your shirt? - You know, just a pizza party at the office. Yeah? Where do you work? First Fidelity Insurance over on Wabossette Street. - My cousin, Arnie, works over there. - Arnie's your cousin, is he? - You know him? - Somewhat. Good middle-management type. Just blends in with the furniture there. Never really wowed anyone at the office. Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy. Yes. You, too. And if you see Arnie, tell him: He'll know what it means. You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit. There's one right behind me, isn't there? You know, Lois, Chris is cool and everything, but since he killed that guy... I don't know. Maybe he shouldn't be living with us here now. Peter, I'm scared. Don't worry, sweetheart. You'll have plenty of time to escape... while he's killing Meg. He hates her the most. Hey, everybody. What's for dinner? I'm starving. My God, his blood lust is unquenchable! Chris, why don't you take your sister into the kitchen for a sandwich? I don't want to die! Why is everybody acting weird? Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve. What I did? That I lied about my age to get into Indian Bingo? No. That I had hard gas and pooed myself? Close, but still no. How is that close? For God's sake, Chris! You murdered Mr. Lockhart! What? No, I didn't! Come on. Everybody's done something they're not proud of. Like when I used to be a Wonder Twin. Peter, the old schoolhouse is on fire! Let's go! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of a hawk! - Come on, Peter. - Yeah, I'll be right behind you. Shape of Jayna's tampon. And now I play the waiting game. Chris, I saw the body. Premeditated murder is one thing, but I will not have lying in this house. Wait, hold it. Can we finish this after Joan of Arcadia? Is Joan of Arcadia on? all right. Must be good. Enjoyable program. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news story. We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctimonious, fear-based... and probably overweight viewers. That's right, Diane. It appears Ronald Lockhart... has been brutally murdered by his wife, Lana, and a local bear. Well, I'll be damned. Chris, I guess we owe you an apology. That's okay. I just wonder what happened to Ms. Lockhart and that bear. The whereabouts of these suspects are currently unknown. - You ready? - What's that? I thought we'd try that lobster place we passed in the car. - Yeah, can I just finish watching this? - You can watch TV anytime. I'm starving. Lana, this is gonna be a real long trip if you don't knock off the crap! Love you. Previously on "Grey's anatomy"... The 7 years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. Dr. Shepherd, we should pretend it never happened. What never happened - you sleeping with me last night, or you throwing me out this morning? You're an attending, and I'm your intern. Stop looking at me like that. Like what? Like you've seen me naked. Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. What are you doing here? You and I are gonna have so much fun together. You know Meredith is inbred? Like it's uncommon around here to be a doctor's parents. No, royally inbred. Her mother is Ellis Grey. Shut up. The Ellis Grey? She's a living legend. What's your name? It's me, mom - Meredith. All right. We're gonna survive this, right? It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of residency. Waiting in line for a chance at the operating table. And then there's the most important line - the line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar. To make friends. You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines. Drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them. Look, I'm sure you're very nice, but I'm very particular about who lives in my house, and you're just not right. Why? Look, I'm quiet. No loud music, no parties. Where were you when the challenger exploded? The what? The space shuttle challenger. Uh... I think I was in kindergarten. Exactly. No. Why do you put up posters for roommates if you don't want roommates? I do want roommates. We're together 100 hours a week. You want to live together, too? I see you bring bribes now, huh? My mom irons my scrubs. I have to get out of there. It's not a bribe. I don't think it's a good idea. - I can put down last, first, and deposit. - It's totally a bribe. I can cook, and I'm an obsessive cleaner. No. I just want two total strangers who I don't have to talk to or be nice to, and it's not a bribe. It's a mocha latte. George, you're running the code team. Meredith, take the trauma pager. Christina, deliver the weekend labs to the patients. Izzie, you're on sutures. Dr. Bailey, I was hoping to assist you in the O.R. Today. Maybe, do a minor procedure, I think I'm ready. Mocha latte? - If she gets to cut, I want to cut, too. - Yeah, me too. I wouldn't mind another shot. I mean, if everybody else is... Stop talking. Every intern wants to perform their first surgery. That's not your job. Do you know what your job is? To make your resident happy. Do I look happy? No. Why? Because my interns are whiny. You know what will make me look happy? Having a code team staffed, having the trauma pages answered, having the weekend labs delivered, and having someone down in the pit, doing the sutures. No one holds a scalpel till I'm so happy, I'm mary freakin' poppins. Mocha latte, my ass. Why are y'all standing there? Move! Seattle has ferryboats. Yes. I didn't know that. I've been living here six weeks. I didn't know there were ferryboats. Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides. Hence the ferryboats. Now I have to like it here. I wasn't planning on liking it here. I'm from New York. I'm genetically engineered to dislike everywhere except Manhattan. I have a thing for ferryboats. I'm not going out with you. Did I ask you to go out with me? Do you want to go out with me? I'm not dating you, and I'm definitely not sleeping with you again. You're my boss. I'm your boss's boss. You're my teacher and my teacher's teacher. And you're my teacher. "I'm your sister, I'm your daughter." - You're sexually harassing me. - I'm riding an elevator. Look, I'm drawing a line. The line is drawn. There's a big line. So, this line, is it imaginary or do I need to get you a marker? We'll talk later? - Are you the surgeon? - Yeah. - We've got a rape victim. - Better get in there. 25-year-old female found down at the park. Status - post trauma. She came in with a gcs of six. B.P. - 80 over 60. Exam is significant for blunt head trauma. Unequal breath sounds, right pupil is dilated, and she's ready for x-ray. Ready to roll? Hey! Yeah. Call ahead to clear a C.T. Let them know I'm coming. Load up the portable monitor. Call respiratory for a ventilator. I'll get x-rays while I'm down there. She's gonna spend a hell of a long time in recovery and rehab. If she survives. What is she, like 5'2", 100 pounds? She's still breathing after what this guy did to her? If they catch the guy, they should castrate him. See how shredded her hands are? She tried to fight back. Tried to? Rape kit came back negative. She kicked his ass. So, we have a warrior among us, huh? Allison. Her - her name is Allison. Allison. I think I may have found the cause of our rupture. More suction. What is this? Does anyone know what this is? Oh, my god. What? Spit it out, Grey. - She bit it off. - Bit off what? That's his... penis. She bit off his - his penis. If she can fight the infection, she'll be fine. It's all gonna depend on whether or not she wakes up in the next 72 hours. Yo, we should get a drink later. You can tell me the long story of what makes a hotshot doc leave the big apple for Seattle. Short story, actually. Your chief of surgery made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Richard asked you to come? Yeah. Why? Oh, nothing. See you later. Do you know what the code team does? Saves lives. I shock a heart, and someone lives to see another day. That's upbeat. It's a glass half full - Bambi, don't say another word till after the hunter shoots your mother. I don't like you. I have a B.A. from Smith, a PHD from Berkeley, and an M.D. from Stanford, and I'm delivering lab results. It's gonna take me all day to get through these. Then get started. Oh, I wasn't complaining. Intern was reassigned, so he's mine now. Have him shadow you for the day. You show him how I do things. Alex Karev. Nice to meet you. You're the pig who called Meredith a nurse. Yeah. I hate you on principle. And you're the pushy, overbearing kiss-ass. I hate you, too. Oh, it should be fun, then. I'm Dr. O'malley. I'll be running this code. What do we got? We have a 57-year-old gentleman with asystole. - Three and four. - Charging to 200, please. - Charging. - Cleared. All right, Mrs. Lu, I'm Dr. Stevens. I'm gonna sew up your wound. You're gonna need - yeah - about six stitches. Are you allergic to any medication? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't - Do you speak english? I'll find, um - Does anybody here speak chinese? - Hi. - Is the chief in? He's on his way. Is that it? Yeah. Can I see it? No. Forget I asked. Meredith, it's good to see you. Hey, I heard your mother was leaving Mayo. She going back with the U.N.? She's, uh, taking time off. To write another book, I suppose. Listen, so, they said to bring this to you, so - Yes, uh, for the police. Right. When did the police say they were coming? You know how slow they are, so she better take it with her. What? You have to take it with you. Chain-of-custody rules. All medical matter in a rape must stay with the person who collected it until it's placed into police custody. You collected the specimen, so you have custody. Custody of a penis. Yes, until the cops come for it. Okay. Well, what am I supposed to do with the penis? You have a disorder called multinucleate cell angiohistiocytoma. It's not a cancer sarcoma. It's very rare but minor. You'll be discharged today, okay? I don't need a surgery? No. I'm not gonna die? I'm fine? Fit as a fiddle... or whatever. What's that? Don't ask. You don't want to know. I do want to know. Really. You really want to know? It's a severed penis. Okay. I didn't really want to know. Why do I have to be the one who gets hugged? Because - I don't do that. Besides, you're the ovarian sister here. Did you call me an ovarian s- an ovarian s- Since when does the possession of ovaries become an insult? Meredith's carrying a penis around in a jar. Oh, from the rape surgery? Yeah, and it's not a jar. It's a cooler. Talk about taking a bite out of crime. You okay? Yeah. - Allison's shoes are... - What? The rape victim, Allison, her shoes. I have the same ones in my locker, and I normally never wear them because they're not comfortable. But today I did. And she was wearing the same shoes, and it's just... stupid, and I'm tired, and forget it. You know what you need? No. It's sick and twisted. We said last time was the last time. You've been doing it without me? Nancy Reagan lied. You can't just say no. Come on. Do you know what would happen if anyone knew? I'm doing it. You can come with me, or you can stay here and be miserable. You are such a woman. That's a code. I got to go. You are really cute. What are you doing in here? The - there were no tests ordered, and the baby has a murmur. I know. He turned blue. You're surgery. You're not authorized to be in here. Do you know how much trouble you can get into for this? Are you going to do any tests? It's a benign systolic ejection murmur. - It goes away with age. - So you're not gonna do tests. He's not your patient. He's not even on your service. Are you sure it's benign? I'm a doctor, too, you know. You should get out of here. - You get a good case? - No - her. She won't let me sew her up. I wouldn't have called you, but I can't get ahold of the translator. Can you just ask her what's wrong? No. Why not? Because I grew up in Beverly Hills. The only chinese I know is from a Mr. Chow's menu. Besides, I'm korean. Chief. So, you asked Shepherd to come to Grace, huh? He was an old student of mine. He left a Manhattan private practice because you asked. Yes. No other reason? Just a favor for an old professor? - It'll be years before I retire. - Chief of surgery is mine. Chief of surgery is mine. It was yours. Now I'm not so sure. I am the best surgeon at Grace with the lowest mortality rate. - You can't just bring - - Now ask me why I'm not so sure about you. Ask me why. Don't people get sick anymore? I mean, how are we supposed to get any O.R. time if everyone's gonna just live? Look. I'll take 10, you take 10. Get in, get out. No smiling, no hugging, no letting them cry. Just be quick about it. You're the one that's slow. I am not slow. You are slow. You want to bet? Yeah, you're on. - A comprehensive workup... - ...did not reveal any... - ...abnormalities. - Your doppler was negative. ...for venous thrombosis so there's no need for chronic anticoagulation or an oral... - The biopsy was, however, positive... - ...for a mixed anaerobic non-group-"a" streptococci infection. Your B.U.N. and creatinine elevations had us worried about rapidly progressive glomerulonephritis which could have signaled an autoimmune disease. What does that mean? We're not gonna amputate your leg. - You get to keep your kidneys. - Congratulations. You can go home today. Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. Whatever. Congratulations. There's nothing wrong with you. You're gonna be fine. Congratulations. What's your favorite '80s group? Queen. No. - Twisted Sister. - Oh! It's not like there's a right or wrong answer to that question. The Go-Gos, Duran Duran, The Eurythmics. Have a nice day. You can go home today. Time of death - 15:45. Man, I've called every hospital in the county. I don't know. Sooner or later, the guy that did this is gonna seek medical attention. When he does, that penis you're carrying around is gonna nail him. Where is her family? Doesn't have any. No siblings? No. Both parents are dead. She just moved to Seattle three weeks ago. Welcome to the city. Meredith, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I just have to do something. I have to go. All right. I'm gonna sit with her. Dr. Burke? There's a baby up in peds. I saw him have a tet spell, and I think I hear a murmur. Hmm. Did peds call us for a consult? - Actually, no, they're not - - So you want me to what? - If you could just go up and look at him. - Not without a peds consult. I'm a busy man, Grey, and there are rules. Look, it's not like I'm the chief or something. You're hot. You're drunk. Hold still. Wait, you're that - that girl from the magazine. The red bikini. Yeah, it was pink. I'm done. You can see the nurse outside now. - Is she crazy or something? - I don't think so. Please. Please sit down. I really need to look at your arm. Okay. What are you doing down here? Just sitting here with my penis. What about you? Hiding from Alex. I kissed Derek. You kissed Derek? In the elevator. Oh, you kissed him in the elevator? I was having a bad day. I am having a bad day. This is what do you do on your bad days - make out with Dr. Mcdreamy. Well... you know, that and carrying around a penis just makes everything seem so shiny and happy. George said Allison was wearing your shoes. Yeah. It's weird, right? It's weird that you care. I think it's weird. Can I have security, please? What do we got? - Take a look. - What? Uh, let's get him to O.R. 1. Meredith, you call the chief and let him know we got the rapist. I saw Allison. You can't believe the beating that she took. And then to see this. That old saying, "you should see the other guy." Why are we not attempting to re-attach the severed penis? Teeth don't slice. They tear. You can only re-attach with a clean cut. If she wanted to slice him off with a knife... Besides, the digestive juices didn't leave much of the flesh to work with. Right. So, what do we do? Sew him up minus a large part of the family jewels. And his outlook? He'll be urinating out of a bag for a very, very long time. Not to mention he'll never be able to have sex again. - Oh, too bad. - Shame. Let's all take a moment to grieve. Clamp. Richard. We got the rapist. He stumbled right into the hospital. Yeah, I heard. - Listen, Burke - - Why? You really want to know? I want to know when you stopped thinking of me as your number one. - Richard, I do more in this hospital than - - You do only exactly as much as is necessary. You never take an extra step. You never give an extra minute. You're comfortable and arrogant, and it doesn't impress me. You want to be chief? Earn it. I'm sorry. I have patients lined up. I don't have time. I don't understand you. I'm sorry. My head hurts. Maybe it's a tumor. You wish I had a tumor. Look, I'd rip your face off if it meant I got to scrub in. I've been suturing all day. My hands are numb. At least you're helping people. At least you get to practice freakin' medicine. I had to send my chinese lady away. She was, like, camped out down there. Oh, poor Izzie, turning away patients. Boohoo. So the police say they can't send a crime-scene guy down for hours, so I have to spend the night with the penis. Alex, don't say it. It was too easy anyway. Who here feels like they have no idea what they're doing? I mean, are we supposed to be learning something? Because I don't feel like I'm learning anything. Except how not to sleep. It's like there's this wall. The attendings and the residents are over there, being surgeons, and we're over here, being... Suturing, code-running, lab-delivering penis minders. I hate being an intern. - Hi. - Hi. Is he yours? Yeah. He's adorable. Thanks. Oh, please. You are so out of line. She says the murmur might not be benign. I think we should do an echo to check. This is your career. There really is no reason to get alarmed. What's the problem? If our baby is sick, we want him treated... now. Who said your baby was sick? The surgical intern, who has no business on our service. Who authorized you being here? - I was just - - I did. Can you excuse us for a second? Dr. Burke. Are you messing with my intern, Dr. Kay? No, sir. Give me the chart. There's nothing wrong with him. I checked. - Are you sure? - Yes. You can guarantee he's fine? You're 100% sure? How sure are you? I don't know, 75%? Not good enough. He's my patient now. That okay with you, Dr. Kay? Absolutely. He can take our patient? He's an attending. Which means I can do whatever I want. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I'm Dr. Burke, head of cardio. We're gonna run some tests and give you an answer within the hour. Grey. Excuse me. I want an ekg, chest x-ray, and an echo. I don't have all day. - You're a busy man. - I'm a busy man. Anybody else? - No. No more. - I need a bed. Ms. Lu? Ms. Lu! Ms. Lu, wait! Ms. Lu! What is it? Hello? Oh, my god. It's okay. It's okay. I'll help. It's deep. It's deep - I need to clean it out. Machine broke in the factory. Fall. You speak english. Just - if you could come inside. No, no, no inside. No... jail. Jail? She came inside. She green card. Me, no. You're illegal. That's okay. We don't have to tell them that. I just need to get you inside. I have to sew that up. No inside. Please, I promise. I promise you won't go to jail. Just - it's raining. Please come inside. Okay, okay, okay. Not inside. Uh... wait here, okay? Wait. I'll come back. I'll be back. - Well? - It's a birth defect. Tetralogy of fallot with pulmonary atresia. You were right. I'm booking the O.R. For tomorrow. Thank you for backing me up on this. Wait. Whoa. You were right. But if you ever pull a stunt like that again - going to the parents behind a doctor's back, trying to steal a patient from another service - I will make your residency here hell on earth. Three, four, five. Breathe. Charging to 200, please. Four, five. Breathe. Damn it. Okay. You're all sewn up. That's pretty good. I could've done a better job if I'd had more light. You might have a scar. It is good. You're gonna need to come back in five days. Okay? I'm gonna need to check the wound and remove the stitches, okay? So, uh... here's my pager number on this card. Right here, okay? We'll meet right back here, okay? You have to come back. But you can't tell anybody that I helped you outside of the hospital, or I might lose my job. Understand? Yes. Come back and don't tell. Yes. Okay, that's it. I'm done. You can go. I'll see you in five days. See you. Thank you. Do you think I'm too confident? No. Don't lie. You are my boss. All right, then. Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free, starting now. I think you're cocky, arrogant, bossy, and pushy. You also have a god complex. You never think about anybody but your damn self. - But I - - But what? I still have 22 more seconds. I'm not done. I need a drink, a man, or a massage. Or a drunken massage by a man. What's wrong with you? I lost five patients on the code team today. I feel like the angel of death. George, 95% of all code patients can't be revived. Most of them are seriously dead before you even get there. What? Why didn't you tell me that when I was going on and on about how great it was gonna be? Because... you're George and I'm Cristina. His heart surgery is scheduled for the morning. I really did think I was right, you know? I know. We almost never are. We're interns. We're not supposed to be right. And when we are, it's completely shocking. Are you - I mean, being an intern, do you feel - Terrified. 100% of the time. Good. It's not just me. No. How is she? No change. Have you been here all night? Yep. You know, I have four sisters. Very girly. Tons of kids. If I was in a coma, they'd all be here. I'd want them here. Not having no one? Can't imagine that. I can. What are you talking about? What about your mother? She'd be here ordering all the surgeons around. She'd fly these cowboys in from prague to do these amazing medical procedures. That's true. I do have my mother. So we're kissing, but we're not dating? I knew that was gonna come up. Don't get me wrong. I like the kissing. I'm all for the kissing. More kissing, I say. I have no idea what that was about. Is it gonna happen again? 'Cause if it is, I need to bring breath mints. Put a condom in my wallet. Shut up now. There's this baby up in the nursery. He's brand-new. No one's neglected him or damaged him yet. How do we get from there to here? She's wearing my shoes, and someone's beat the crap out of her. And she's got nobody. Her icp's doubled. Get O.R.! Prep for craniotomy. Let's hang a mannitol, uh... take a blood gas. Hey. I, uh, had to leave her skull flap off until the pressure in her brain goes down. She's not gonna make it, is she? She's gonna be fine. If she ever wakes up. If she ever wakes up. Dr. Burke? I'm off at 6:00. You want to get that drink we talked about? I don't think so. Well, what about tomorrow night? Shepherd, you should know that Richard promised chief to both of us. But you knew that already. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You're not the enemy. You're just the competition. So, here is where you have the signature, and down here, the initials. Okay. It just says that the, um... the... penis. Look, I'm a doctor. I mean, it shouldn't be weird to say this. It's just that I used to change her diapers. I get it. It just says that it was never out of your sight. Here we go. One penis. Officer. We'll be using a median approach for a transventricular repair with a right ventriculotomy. Let's open him up. Open. The 10 blade, please. Grey? Yes, sir? Go scrub in. When we're finished cracking the baby's chest, I'll let you hold the clamp. Seriously? Don't make me change my mind. I'm going. I have good news and bad news. The good news is Dr. Bailey stopped the bleeding. The bad news is we've given your penis to the cops. Have a nice life. The results of your labs are clean. The tumor is benign. You can go home today. Oh, you... At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. Okay, fine, George and Izzie, you can move into the house. - Yes! - I can't believe you caved! Thank you. Yes! I can't believe I caved. I blame the babies. They make you toxic. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. Welcome back. ...But there are some lines... So, it's intense. This thing I have for ferryboats, I mean. ...way too dangerous to cross. I'm so taking the stairs this time. No self-control. It's sad. Really. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance... the view from the other side... is spectacular. Previously on Grey's Anatomy: You're going to transfer to Mercy West? Yeah, I have to. Give me my husband back. Chief resident? The one fifth year resident that rules all residents. Your intern exams are in two weeks. You need to spend every available minute studying. What happened to our small ceremony? What happened to you and me in City Hall? No guarantee the surgery's going to bring back your memory. - Is there a man in my house? - I'm so sorry, Richard. And I'm finally ready to have a baby and I can't. Losing her pulse! She's coding! We did everything we could. A surgeon's education never ends. Every patient, every symptom, every operation is a test. A chance for us to demonstrate how much we know, and how much more we have to learn. "How do you treat pancreatic divisum?" Izzie. If you're not gonna let us sleep, at least let me put coffee in my cup. OK, go. No one's stopping you. - I'm too tired to go. - Pancreatic divisum. Dorsal duct sphincterotomy. Not your turn, but correct. You do me. O'Malley's missing this. How's he gonna be ready? - We have Callie's cards, but George... - George has Callie. "The most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalized patients?" - She coming to this bachelorette thing? - Rotavirus. Yes. No, no, salmonella. Diarrhea in hospitalized patients. Most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalized patients is C. diff, which can lead to toxic megacolon, perforation, sepsis and death. That's what killed Susan. Is she OK? - Oh, she's fine. - Dude, she's messed up. Of course. Susan was her surrogate mother. Yeah, fake mom was better than her real mom. Is she going to the hospital first or the funeral? First to the hospital, then to the funeral, then to the test. - Did she even study? - Yeah. She just needs to be left alone, OK? So, "What's inside the carotid sheath?" Izzie? Internal carotid artery, internal jugular vein and vagus nerve. Oh, that was too easy. Let's find you a hard one. What is this? What is what? That just came this morning. You got a spot at Mercy West? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's pending the results of the intern exam. You know what that means, don't you? You, you got You got into Mercy West I haven't told the chief yet. You'll tell him today. He'll understand. It's a smaller program. Fewer residents, fewer distractions, more surgeries and when I come home and ask you how your day went, you can actually tell me because I won't already know. - Hi. - Hi. Look, I... I know this is an impossible day for you, so I just want to say one thing. I brought a black suit. Just in case. Thank you. But I think this is something I need to do by myself. OK, if you... If you need me just... let me know. - Cristina. - "What is MEN syndrome?" Don't answer. The minister needs to see your vows before the wedding. Multiple endocrine neoplasia. Yes. It's test day and I'm not supposed to talk about the wedding on test day, - but tomorrow is our wedding day... - You have five seconds. Go. Bill Adams can't make it. I have no best man. Oh, no, baby. I'm so sorry. - And I need your vows by... - OK. Time's up. Cristina. Test day. - What do I tell the minister? - Test day! They paged you guys too? - I think he paged all of us. - That can't be good. Sure, it can. He could be letting us know I won the race for chief. He's making his recommendation to the board tomorrow. - Chief of surgery and chief resident. - Why were we paged? Search and Rescue found those lost climbers who were up on Mount Rainier. - The climbers are on their way. - Any specifics? They found only three. One's missing. They're reporting severe dehydration with traumatic head and chest injuries. Dr. Bailey, Dr. Torres, you'll be my trauma team. Bad day not to have interns. - What? - Today's the intern exam. You have to do your own heavy lifting today. If you see an intern, which you will 'cause they can't help themselves, turn them away until after the exam. Ambulances are five minutes away. It's time to do what we do best. "What is a Gerota's fascia?" The fascia surrounding the kidney. Yep. "'Which is longer, the left or the right renal vein?" That's right, the left one. Looks and smarts, not bad. You think? She's got my dad's nose, though. Girl's got to have a big personality to pull off that nose. What? You remember your dad. No. I... No. You just said... I know, but I have no idea where that came from. That was a memory. It doesn't always come back all at once. It can happen in pieces. - Don't get all... - Dude, your memory's coming back. - How you feeling, Preston? You ready? - I'm always ready for surgery. - He's talking about the wedding. - Tomorrow's the big day. Cristina hasn't written her vows, my best man just canceled and it's still raining. - He's not ready. - You're never ready. I certainly wasn't. But then, the minute I saw Adele coming down that aisle... Well, have you picked your best man? - Chief... - You can't be his best man. Why not? A conflict of interest. The man wants to be chief of surgery. - Actually, Derek... - Not that that's why you're asking. - I was going to ask you. - Ask me what? Oh. - Really? - We have been through a lot this year. And everybody else turned you down? All right, what do I have to do? Traditionally, the best man plans the bachelor party. Drinks at Joe's after work? Yeah. I knew you were the man for the job. Dale Winick, 32, BP 90/50, tachy to one-ten, severe frostbite, but no obvious internal injuries. - Got it. My God. - Wow. Yeah. Those aren't gloves. Let's go. Someone tell me, are the other guys OK? They're right behind you. Get him a tet-toxin, push a gram of cefazolin IV. Get warm circulating water to start thawing his hands. I'll get someone on it. Callie! We're supposed to be studying. We are studying. "How do you treat frostbite?" Re-warm, avoid early surgery unless there's a deep infection due to autoamputation. See? Studying. Mr. Meltzer, I'm going to need you to save your breath, OK? - It hurts! - I'm going to give you pain meds. You have several broken ribs which are compromising your breathing. - Did you see that? - That was freaky. I think that was a flail chest. I've never seen one before. Come on. God, why, oh, why does today have to be test day? I know. I bet if you talked to the chief he'll let you take the test later. With the funeral and everything. I don't need to take the test later. OK. - Can I get a little help? - I can't feel my legs! You could have a spinal injury. Stay calm. You're going to make it worse. - Where are we going? - Trauma Three. Look at me. It'll be all right. You OK? Yeah. I got accepted at Mercy West. Wow. That's... Are you gonna go? Well, I kind of have to now, right? What are you fools doing here? In a few hours, you people are taking a test that will determine the course of your medical careers. The five interns with the lowest test scores will be cut from the program. Are you studying for this test? No, you're not. Are you helping out in the ER? You are most certainly not. Are you getting out of here before I throw you out? I think you are. Whoa, Dr. Shepherd? - Aren't you supposed to be studying? - I have a quick question. Could the craniotomy you performed on Jane Doe have affected her memory? Doubtful. I was mostly working in the speech center of her brain. I think she remembered something. Can we test her? Run another WMSR. Have to wait and see if she remembers anything else. - A good sign, though. - Thanks. - Nice work, Dr. Montgomery. - Thanks. I was just directing traffic. - I was being sarcastic. - Brain surgery's so impressive. - It is. - Addison? Yes? Joe. Walter. What are you guys doing here? Everything OK? Yeah. We came to see you, actually. We need a consult. Don't tell me you're pregnant? - No, but... - Our birth mom is. Potential birth mom. She hasn't actually picked us yet. You're adopting? We filed an application, but we never thought we'd get picked. Bar-owning gays don't get picked very often. I guess having a baby is easier than we thought. Yes. I guess so. So I was hoping you could take a look at her. Kick the tires, check underneath the hood. Car metaphors? No. I'd be happy to. Give me a call and we'll set up an appointment. That's the thing. She lives in Portland, and she's only going to be in Seattle for one day. She's kind of here now. Now as in...? Now. - George, wait. Wait a minute. - Yeah? You don't have to transfer to Mercy West. - Yeah, I do. - No. Forget about you and me for a second. OK, what about Meredith? Alex and Cristina? Who's gonna hold us together if you're not here? You're the glue. You're George. - I can't stay here. I can't... - No one's making you to go. ...stay here and see you every day. And not... - I can't keep kissing you in elevators. - I know. I know that. I'm married. I'm a married man. You busy? Cute. What are you doing here? Isn't the exam in... Yeah, I just want to run a quick neuro-psych test on you. No. No. Go take your test. I have a baby to feed. - What is wrong with you? - Nothing. You've been wishing you could remember who you were. Now you can. I can't. It was something I said. Why are you acting like it's no big deal, like it happens all the time? Alex, come on. It... That's not... Unless it does happen all the time. Tell me the truth. Do you remember? Do you know who you are? "What is biloma?" Cristina, I really don't have time. A biloma is an intraperitoneal bile fluid collection. - Excellent. - I'll be fine. - Meredith. - George, I got to go. Your dad. Hey. I was just on my way to... No. I came here to tell you you're not wanted. I don't want you at any funeral, Meredith. - Why don't you come with...? - She trusted you! She came to you for help and you killed her. You did. You killed my wife. You took her from me. Dad! So, I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear from you. And I do not want you anywhere near her funeral! Do you understand me? Dad, Dad. Come on. Lexie's waiting in the car. - We have to go, Dad. - She was everything to me. All I had. She was all I had. She was all I had. I can sit here all day. I'll miss my test, but I will sit here all day. I don't... It... It happened a few days ago. I just... I just woke up and it was all there again. And you didn't tell me. Because... Because there's... - There's nothing to tell. - Why don't I believe that? I was a pregnant woman in a lousy marriage to the nicest guy anyone's ever met, end of story. Who is he? What does he do? Where did you meet him? College. We got married the year after we graduated. He... I wanted to move to New York, and he wanted to live on the side of a mountain and take over his dad's shop. He's a woodworker. He makes beautiful furniture. It's quiet and he's quiet and... I was going out of my mind. So you just took off? I... I needed... I needed... I needed to think and to be around other people. So I came to Seattle and I thought I'd see the sights, ride the ferry. - Have you called him? - No. - Why not? - I left him, Alex. So? He's your husband. You should call him. You want me to call him? I mean, what's his name? What's your name? I'm not telling you that. - Everything's taken care of. - Don't worry about a thing. - I've got pencils and bottled water. - Oh, and PowerBars. You know the material. You're gonna get a high score. Not as high as mine, but everything's gonna be fine. What are you standing around for? Don't we have a test to...? What happened? You need to head upstairs. Dr. Grey will join you in a minute. You're not to blame for Susan Grey's death and you know it. And your father knows it too. He's just... Well, he's never been the best communicator. And he just lost his wife. Stop acting like my surrogate father. Meredith, I'm... Just because you slept with my mother, that does not make you my father. Follow my finger. Up, down. Side to side... Good. Let me know if you can feel this, OK? Ow. Yeah, I'm not enjoying that. Good. That's a good sign. It means I'm not paralyzed? The MRI will show us the full extent of the injuries. But can we ask you what happened up there? It was my fault. - Dale. - It wasn't your fault. Sixty ways to get up Mount Rainier, I had to pick Liberty Ridge? It wasn't the route, it was the storm. On a clear day, you don't think about storms. A minute later, the wind's pasting you to the mountain and you can't see your hand. Is that why you fell? Because of the storm? All I know is, I felt the rope tug and I was in mid-air. We all were. We were tied together. Must have been a hundred foot drop. When we came to, Lonnie wasn't moving. Lonnie. He's your friend who's still missing? He didn't make it back because he was hurt? Because he was dead. I'm sorry. We had to leave him. We had to get to the other side of the mountain or we'd be dead too. - We had no choice. - You always have a choice. You never leave a man behind. Please take your seats, doctors, and put all study materials away. If you don't know the answer, choose B. It's always B. Write your name in the right-hand corner of your answer sheets. You may open your test booklets... now. We don't have to be here, if you're uncomfortable. Oh, no, it's fine, unless you're uncomfortable. Actually, I... He's fine. So, Rina, how are you feeling? Any problems? Just the fact that I'm huge. And I have the worst heartburn I've ever had in my life. I can prescribe an antacid for that. First thing we're going to do is take a look at the baby. This might be cold. This baby deserves parents who are going to make it their whole world. You know we're gay, right? I figured with you both being boys and everything. The other couple I'm considering, they're like, you know, 40. She's been trying to get pregnant for ten years. It's so sad. There's the heartbeat. - Wow. - I know. There's, like, a person inside of me. Actually, there are two people. Twins. - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. - I think I'm gonna pass out. - Joe. Joe. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Come on. Doctors, we are halfway through our allotted time. You only have 60 minutes left to complete the exam. Meredith? Meredith! She didn't write anything on the test. She didn't answer a single question. She just sat there. Wait, George. Just... Just give her a second. I've got an extensive anterolateral flail chest. He'll need surgical stabilization. Dr. Torres, if you are available... My guy has bone fragments in his spinal cord. Internal fixation. Dr. Torres will scrub with me. We have more than one orthopedic surgeon in this hospital. Dr. Torres and I are looking at multiple amputations. Guys, I can be there for all of you. We have to... Dr. Burke asked first. - I'd like to schedule you. - With all due respect... OK, you all want Torres? Fine. Rock, paper, scissors. One, two, three. All rocks. Very typical. Ready? And... Rock smashes scissors. Best two out of three. Dr. Burke! What? I just want to know how it feels. To not have to spend the next 24 hours wondering if Richard picked you to be chief resident? How's it feel to be the chosen one? Feels just fine. Hey. How'd it go? Meredith. Don't worry. I got it. It's not like she actually flunked. She just didn't write anything. It's like she actually flunked. One guy, he was on call three nights before his test, he slept through the whole thing, he had to repeat his intern year. She can't repeat her intern year. We have to do something. Cristina. What? OK, I don't know. I mean, Meredith and I don't fail things, this is not in my book. It's Bailey. We got to go. We got to go. - We can't leave her here. - Got a better idea? It's showtime, people. Yang, you're scrubbing in with Dr. Burke. Karev, you're with Dr. Montgomery. Stevens, find Dr. Sloan. You paged me too. - Mercy West. - Callie told you? You're in the best surgical program in the country. The toughest, most competitive, most respected. - You want to leave this for Mercy West? - Mercy West... Is not Seattle Grace. Are you trying...? After the work that we put into you, are you trying to throw your career away? I'm trying to do what's best for me right now. I've had some personal issues. Don't know your personal problems, don't care. I do care about your career. Let me make myself clear: This is a mistake. George. It's like we're on a train that's going 200 miles an hour and it would be so nice to get off. Just stand on the platform just for a minute. Looks like I'm off the train. Parents die. When a parent dies, it doesn't make any sense. So you make a lot of really terrible decisions that you're gonna end up having to live with for a long time. You should go. You are still on the train. It's OK. You have to go. Go. Go, go, go. Addison. Adele? What are you doing here? What happened? A fender-bender. I'm fine. I told the ER resident I'm fine, but... I'll page Richard, let him know you're here. Oh, you will do no such thing, Addison. Richard cannot know I'm here. We're separated. My life is none of his business. I'm serious. OK. All right. Well, let's get you checked out. Do you have any, um... any pain? Any... Anything? Well... There's one thing I should probably mention. I'm pregnant. The baby looks fine on the ultrasound, but you are spotting a little. It's nothing severe, but I would like to hold you overnight for observation. - Overnight? Oh, no. I'm sorry. - For just a couple of hours, at least. Look, it could be nothing, but a pregnancy at your age is... Terrifying? Embarrassing? I was going to say a miracle. I resigned myself to the fact, a long time ago, that I would never have kids, and here I am, 52, about to be divorced, and pregnant. May I ask who the father is? You may ask. Look, all I'm saying is that if Richard finds out that you're walking around this hospital carrying another man's baby... Richard is not going to find out, because neither one of us are going to tell him. Chief. Addison, I just heard the news. You heard? Who told you? What did you hear? That Joe and Walter are adopting. Is the birth mom here? Oh, no, no! No, no. Chief, you don't want to go in there. It's a young girl. And the stirrups, you know. Her equipment exposed. You don't want to see that. No, I don't want to see that. Are you going to give me an inspirational speech too? No. - George. - I can't talk. I have a patient. This is about Meredith. What are we going to do? There's nothing to do. What? I'm not gonna be here in a week. Your transferring to another hospital means we're not going to be friends? Why are you doing this, George? Didn't you hear a word Bailey said? What were we to do? Carry him down the mountain? He was our friend and we left him there. If we hadn't, we'd be dead too. You know that. Dale was right. You don't... You don't do that. You don't... climb all the way up there together just to leave a man behind. - I am being stalked by pregnant women. - You're an obstetrician. And barren! Apparently, as a healthy, successful woman in her 30s, I don't deserve to have a baby. Maybe I'd have a fighting chance if I were gay or a teenager or a member of the AARP. Oh... That sucks. It really... No. Oh, no. Not you too. Oh, no, no, I'm just thinking about it. That's all. Oh. Oh, I don't know. I don't even know. It's just with George going to Mercy West next year... - He is? - Yeah, they have a spot for him. We need a fresh start. We need to get away from all this crap. It might be a good time. It's a great time. Don't let me and my fossilized eggs discourage you. Gonna be friends still if I get pregnant? Absolutely not. Hi, chief? O'Malley. Finally come to see me about that letter from Mercy West. No, sir. I'm here about Meredith. I have to say, I don't get it. Why would anybody waste their time freezing, climbing up the side of a glacier? It's a way to test yourself. Your strength and endurance. You put yourself through a situation like that and you know who you are. What you're made of. - Have you done it before, Dr. Burke? - No. You? I used to, all the time, in college. - Really? - Really? Yeah. It's intense. It's painful and hellish and you think your lungs are shredding, but, man, when you get to the top, there's nothing like it. Makes the whole climb worth it. How's it going? - Worse. There's nothing here. - We're going to amputate both? You can't amputate both of his hands. I don't want to take the man's hands. Once the infection gets that deep, the only way to save his life is to make the cut. The laminotomy happens at what level, Dr. O'Malley? The level of maximal neural compressions between the pedicles of the fractured vertebrae. Very good. You must've aced your exam today. I don't know about "aced. " How did Meredith do? Yeah, well, she was kind of... Don't worry, though, I talked to the chief. About what? She didn't tell you? Here's the thing. Seattle Police Department's been on this for weeks. They've been in contact with Missing Persons from all 50 states, - Canada, the FBI. - Alex. Know how many people are trying to find you? You do know. You know how many relatives you have, if your parents are dead or alive, if you've got a sister who cries 'cause she has no idea what happened to you. - Stop. - What's it like for your husband? He didn't come looking for me, OK? He obviously doesn't want to find me. - It's my life. - No. Not just yours. What about your daughter? I'm not going to lie for you. - If you won't tell anybody, I will. - What are you going to say? You don't know my real name. You don't know anything about me. It will be my word against yours. You're right. I have absolutely no idea who you are. You paged me? Yeah. I think I figured out a way to help Meredith, but I've got Shepherd's post-op and I can't do it without your help. And I won't leave the program without knowing that she's still in it. You're not leaving the program. Listen, we made a mistake. We had sex. But that's all it was. We both wanted it to mean something because... you didn't want to feel like that guy that cheats on his wife. I didn't want to feel like that girl that put you in that position. But the truth is, it didn't mean anything. I know you think I have feelings for you, but I don't. So you can stay. You're not leaving the program. Nice work today, Torres. Three surgeries at the same time. Performed four osteosyntheses, amputated two hands and stabilized one spine in two hours. Impressive. Looks like Bailey's not a shoo-in for chief resident after all. You're in the running for chief resident too? Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? No, it makes sense. I just hadn't thought about it. That's all. I'm good at what I do, Bailey. I'm focused, I'm disciplined. I'm more than qualified to be chief resident. Right. We all know that you're the chief's favorite, but doesn't mean I can't take a shot. Here she is. Thank you, Stevens, you can go now. - We'll be right outside. - You don't have to. Shut up. If you called me here to lecture me... There's a copy of the interns exam on the table. Some number two pencils, a bottle of water and a sandwich, if you get hungry. I'll send a proctor in and I'll come back in a few hours and check on you. You are not my father. I know that. I know. Well, at least test day's almost over. Speak for yourself. I'm getting married tomorrow. Hey. Hey. This is what you invited me to? This is your big bachelor party? It was last minute. I needed warm bodies. Which would explain why I'm here. Why am I the only girl? What, am I the entertainment? I am not stripping. That's OK. We've seen it already. - True. - I haven't. Well, why don't I buy you a drink instead. First round's on me. I'll give you a hand with those. Cristina write her vows? I guess I'll find out tomorrow. - How's Meredith doing? - I have no idea. It shouldn't be this difficult, should it? Probably not. Then again, when I see Cristina walking down that aisle tomorrow... All be worth it? So how was L.A.? L.A. was... different. Look, Mark... Things don't have to be awkward between us. We tried. We tried and we did our best. Just because we failed as a couple, - it doesn't mean... - I know. So we're still friends? With benefits? Don't push it. Thanks, Joe. So, hey, how'd it go with Rina? Oh, well... Walter took her to the bus station. I'm pretty sure he was wishing it was me he was dropping off. That bad, huh? If I can't get even make it through an ultrasound, how am I going to handle a kid? Forget about twins. You two are going to make great parents. OK? Whenever that happens. You ever think about having kids? All the time. Adele? Adele! Adele! Oh, come on. I know you saw me. Now this is just silly. You don't have to hide. I've moved on. I'm dating now. OK, I'm not actually dating, but I intend to. At some point. What am I supposed to do about the stupid vows? - You haven't written anything? - Stupid crap. - No, it isn't. - What am I supposed to say? I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life? That's not real. That's not how it works. - It does, at first. Then... - It passes. No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it, that's all. You have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted. If you didn't, if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise to love you and honor you and cherish you no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about. Wait. Can you say that again, just slowly? You're talking about Denny. Right? Yeah. - Hi. - Hi. Can I buy you a drink? Well, you're forward. Bad day. I get to be forward today. Yeah. I had a bad day too. So what do you say? One drink? Um, I'm with some friends. It's a bachelor party, so I'm gonna... I'm gonna say no. That's too bad. Yeah. Maybe you're right. Rebecca Pope. That's my name. Adele! Come on. I have gotten in the ladies' room. The least you could do is a... Adele? Oh, my God. Adele? - What are you doing here? - Get Rina some water. - Thought you were going to the station. - We were. It's this heartburn. It's like it's... It's ripping through... - Is she all right? - Call an ambulance. Tucker, since he's awake, could you put him on? Keep it clear. Let me call you back. What do you got? We got the fourth climber. Pressure's 70s, last pulse 135, severely hypothermic, started two large-bore IV's. Oh, and obvious head trauma. Is that an ax in his head? What the hell happened up on that mountain? Let's go. Adele? Somebody help me! Please! Somebody help! Please, somebody help me! Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future. Planning it. Working toward it. But, at some point, you start to realise your life is happening now. - Any changes overnight? - No. Not after med school, not after residency. Right now. This is it. It's here. Blink, and you'll miss it. That's the chief. Somebody better make a coffee run. You all look like hell. I gotta be in surgery in ten minutes. - Mer, will you let me know... - Yeah. We should go too. It's probably gonna be a while. Shepherd said she'd wake up. What'd he tell you? Was that all crap? - What did he say? - He said it may be a while. She's gonna wake up. Stevens still isn't awake and I'm having something of a day, even aside from that, so don't take my face personally. - It's just my face today. - Did you tell her? You should tell her. And don't take her face personally. OK. Well, on behalf of the Department of Paediatric Surgery, welcome to the fellowship programme. You're in! - We're gonna get you wheelie sneaks! - Congratulations. All right, I know I didn't support you during this process. In any event, I am behind you now. I'm trying to be a big person here. How about you meet me halfway? Wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up. I have a headache. You're up. You're up and you're talking. You talked, right? Talk! I said I have a headache, stop yelling. Page Shepherd! Sorry. Hey. What's with hugging O'Malley? I slept, Cristina. Last night. I slept for the first time... - I slept. - Hugging O'Malley because you slept? I hugged O'Malley because he's got great news which I will let him tell you. But yeah, I guess, yeah, maybe I hugged him because I slept. And that's because of you. You came with me to see my mom, and then I slept. And I slept without nightmares. That's not a small thing, Cristina. That... That is everything. I can be a better man. I can be a better man for you. I hope, if you'll let me, I can be a better man with you. Don't say anything. Just think about it. OK? OK. - Bailey? I need to tell you something. - Not now, O'Malley. It'll be quick. I got to get to the OR to scrub in with the chief. I think you're gonna be mad at first. But I'm about to do something important, and I'm very sure about this decision. And I think eventually you're gonna be proud but, you know, before that, you're probably gonna be like "What did you do?" - I don't mean to imitate. - You call that quick? I joined the Army to be a trauma surgeon. I report for duty tomorrow. - You did what? ! - That's where I thought we'd start. - Something's going on with George. - What? Owen hugged him. They were happy. We don't hug when we're happy. - Are you better? - What? You know, with your therapy or whatever. You said you got well. Well are you? Better? Or are you just fake better? - What do you mean? - I'm asking you if people... I mean, are you actually different? Do you feel different? I'm getting married today. City Hall. No muss, no fuss. Just quick and dirty. - Do you want me to come? - No, no. Just letting you know. Wait. OK. This is my grocery list: It's old. This is new. This is my favourite pen, so I want it back. Borrowed. All of it's blue, so you're covered. Now see, if we were George and Owen, we would hug right now. Dude! Unidentified male, dragged by a bus. Clamped down so we couldn't intubate. - Didn't they stop? - Bus driver didn't know - till they got halfway down the block. - Is he gonna be OK? OK, I'll take over CPR. Push 20 of etomidate and 100 of sux. He saved my life. The bus was gonna hit me, he threw me out of the way. - Grey, get her out of here. - Was supposed to be me under the bus. He's alone. They don't even know who he is. Please! Stand over there and just don't move. - He's back. - Let's get a trauma series, trauma labs and O-neg blood in here. Severe injury to the left forearm. - Skull's bashed in. Page Shepherd! - And Sloan. Start antibiotics and start cleaning out those wounds. Now can you get her out of here? Did you get the whole thing? - Did you get the whole tumour out? - Just let me finish my exam. - Can you tell me your name? - My name is Isobel Stevens, it's 2009 and I'm in the Neuro ICU at Seattle Grace Hospital. - Did you get the damn thing out? - Got the whole damn thing. - You got it! - Yeah. Oh, God, you got the whole thing. And I can talk and I know my name. And I'm not a turnip! - Nope. - No offence, you are a great surgeon, but I really thought I was gonna be a turnip. - This is so unbelievably great! - Your kidneys are a little sluggish, so we're gonna keep an eye on your electrolytes for a few hours. - Your post-op crit was fine. - OK, good. Good. How'd the surgery go? Did you get the brain tumour? Did you get it out? Lz, you just asked him that. We just talked about it. No, no. It's OK. She's gonna be foggy for a while. The tumour's out. There was a little bleeding during the post. - You got it? - Yeah. All of it? That's amazing! Derek Shepherd, you are a hero! And I know that that's Derek Shepherd, and you're Alex. And you should kiss me. Alex, I don't have a brain tumour. - I'm tumour free. - Yes, you are. What's wrong? - Why do you look weird? - Nothing. Nothing. Your kidneys are a little slow. We're gonna watch them. OK, you'll re-check my electrolytes in an hour. OK. How did the surgery go? Did you get the tumour? We did. Tumour's gone. There was a little bit of bleeding and we took care of that. You got it? Oh, my God! And I can talk and you didn't kill me. What's wrong with you people? We should be celebrating. She's like the woman who couldn't remember her husband was dead. - We had to keep telling her. - Could be a normal haze. Or the bleeding blitzed her short-term retention. Did you screw up her brain? Karev... I'll be back. Try and stay calm. Freaking her out is not gonna help. Wake up. - Man versus bus. - Bus won. Check out the left arm. - He's crashing again! - What do we got? - Roadkill. - You mind? Stepped in front of a bus to pull a woman out of the way. Hero. - Can you can fix the arm? - If it's gonna happen, - gotta be in the next few hours. - Pupil's blown. Get me a cranial drill. Grey, want to practice your burr holes? Stabilise his neck, please. Give me a ten-blade. Give me the drill. Go in slowly. Feel a grab, stop. Otherwise, you'll hit brain. Let's go, quickly. - OK! - That's it! Nice work, Dr Grey. I'm gonna get some Bacitracin for that face. - Let's get his head rotated. - Easy. Welcome back, sir. You had us worried there for a minute. - You think he's gonna make it? - I hope so. He really has to make it. - Dr Sloan. - There's gonna be too much tension. Start over and do a layered closure. Can I ask a question about that? OK, you brought up moving in together and marriage, and I put it off, now you're embarrassed and won't make eye contact because you feel I have all the power. But I don't want all the power. I'm happy to share it. Can we just skip this part? Get some 4-0 Vicryl so you can redo your patient's sutures. I'll totally pretend I didn't hear any of that. Women do this to me. I don't do this. - "Let's get a house." - Sucks being the girl. I'm not the girl. What do girls do? Well, we start with the cold shoulder, so you're right on track. Then we go to our girlfriends and we bitch. And our girlfriends say, "You want to build a future, build it yourself. You don't need a man to give you that. You want to buy a house? Buy a house." You're good at this. I ought to help someone get a love life. I suck at my own. He jumped in front of a bus for me. - What did you do to O'Malley? - Excuse me? Somebody else here likely to convince someone to join the Army - and be a trauma surgeon in Iraq? - What? Army? What? - V-fib! - Charge the paddles to 360! - Call who you have to and undo this. - Bailey, busy here. - Clear! - George O'Malley? - It wasn't my idea! - No change. - Charge again. - Clear! I gave him a decent education in trauma. I didn't know he was gonna go enlist. - He keeps coding. - Open-book pelvic fracture. Too much bleeding. We take him to an OR now, he'll die on the table. He needs to go to Angio if we're gonna stop the bleeding. Sinus tach. We have a rhythm. Barely there, but it's there. - Let's stabilise the pelvis. - I know what goes on in this hospital. I know you're messed up from that war. And not in a small way. Get him out of it. Page me if you need me. I've got other patients. How'd you piss off all the women? - Let's get our guy to Angio. - Angio? He's barely got a pulse! It's now or never, if we want him to live. Move! I know it's tough, but I'd be grateful if you'd stay alive for a few minutes. Maybe we're bouncier in peds than general surgery, but I thought there would be a "Yay!" Or some jumping around. You look pretty dour for someone about to start a highly prized fellowship. You are about to start a highly prized fellowship, right? Hey, I've got a plan to stop George. You in? - Stop George from what? - He joined the Army. Yes, I'm in. Bailey! I'm talking to you... - Why are you trying to stop him? - He joined the Army. - And? - And because he's my ex-husband and I know his mom and I love his mom. And normally, lzzie would talk sense into him, but she's got cancer and kind of a bad mental deficit, so it's on me to stop him. - Why would you want to? - He joined the Army. - Don't you think that's a problem? - I think that's awesome. Awesome? - You gonna chew? - My dragged under a bus guy's in Angio. They're gonna page me. How's lzzie? Retaining anything? - No. - OK. At 6pm, your idiotic colleague George O'Malley will finish his surgery with the chief. At 6pm, you will be standing beside us in the OR hallway prepared to join - in an intervention. - What polite company might call an intervention, though I'm not sure interventions involve whupping people on the behinds - with a belt. - What? He's got a drinking problem now? - He joined the Army. - What? Double O Seven? He can't go, he's the guy that gets killed. Gets killed cleaning his own gun. Grey is going to coax him back as a loving friend, you're gonna use logic and reason to point out the idiocy of his ways, Stevens will make sad cancer eyes, and if all of that doesn't work, Karev, you pull out your "I was raised out back with the trash cans" roots - and just beat the crap out of him. - Six o'clock. Six o'clock. Hey, there. I know this must be scary. If it's any consolation, you're a hardcore hero. You saved that woman's life. Is he trying to write something? Can you hold this? OK. You'll be stronger tomorrow. Call OR 1, tell them to get ready for him. OK. Amanda, you can't be out here. Would you want to be all alone at a time like this? We had 30 seconds of interaction before he saved my life, and I wasn't even nice. I was standing on a corner when this ordinary-looking guy stands next to me and smiles. And... And I'm so busy scoping for someone hotter, that... I don't even give him a second look. Next thing I know, he throws me out of the way of a bus I'm about to walk in front of and almost gets himself killed. He literally... he swept me off my feet. That is my prince in that bed. OK. You can stay until they take him to surgery. Not a good time. Walk away from me again, I will grab you by the hair and pull hard. I grew up with the name Arizona. I learned how to play dirty. I stuck my neck out for you. You were my pick. And I appreciate that. But it's a big decision. It's not, it's the brass ring. It's the most exclusive, most competitive and we're as good as it gets. Nobody lands this thing and says "no." My husband informed me yesterday that if I accept the peds fellowship, if I sign on for another two years of training and the hours and workload that come with it, when I could be a general surgery attending and make it home for dinner, he will divorce me. It's a big decision. Gonna have a hard time saving that arm. I can get him back to full function if I can get there in time. - Thinking about buying a house. - Good. Meredith and I are gonna go to City Hall this afternoon. - Getting married. - Really? That's great news. - If I could just save Stevens... - You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to get married. You've earned that right. Congratulations, you lucky bastard. Come here, give me a hug. - Why is everyone hugging today? - The blushing bride. Here's the plan for our John Doe. Shepherd, evacuate the epidural, Grey and I correct internal injuries. Torres will place the internal fixator. Sloan should work on the arm if the patient doesn't get too acidotic. - You think he has a shot? - I've seen people come back from worse. - Hey. I thought you were in surgery. - I'm on my way. You talked to Bailey about peds and Tucker? No. I talked to Bailey about the Army thing and George. Are you upset with me? No. I'm awesome. - Calliope... - No. Do not "Calliope" me. You said it was awesome. George, sweet, kind George, who can't even kill a fly is joining the Army to go to Iraq - and you said awesome. - It is. Awesome. No, it is not awesome! God! Who are you? - How's the arm? - Nerves are intact, - just have to reattach these vessels. - You ready for me? I'm almost done with the major internal crush injuries. Pelvis will be all yours. Get me some more laps. You think you could do it? Step in front of a bus for a perfect stranger? - We'd all like to think we would... - More or less what Hunt's been doing - every day for the last couple years. - No. The guys did. I just came in behind them with a dustpan and broom and swept up. You sewed up soldiers under fire. You didn't sweep up. How do you think O'Malley's gonna do over there? Think he can handle it? - No, I don't. - I think he's gonna surprise us all. - He's coming back in a body bag. - I think you all should just shut up. Just shut the hell up. Please, shut up. "Shepherd got your whole tumour out." Oh, my God! Alex, why didn't you tell me? Oh, my God! But we're working on it. Remember what time you woke up this morning? - Not exactly. - 7.45. - 7.45. "O'Malley joined the Army?" - Gonna be a trauma surgeon in Iraq. - When'd you wake up? - 7.45. He's gonna get killed. - We're dealing with it. - Did you know about this George thing? Yup. Cannon fodder. I'm just gonna take some more blood. Last time we checked, your potassium was 6.3. When'd you wake up? - Early, I can't quite remember. - 7.45. 6.3, 7.45. - "O'Malley joined the Army?" George? - We're dealing with it. - What's your potassium? - I... - Iz, what's your potassium? - Give her the chart to read and try and memorise, OK? I can talk to you about her hyperkalemia. She had brain surgery, and an incredibly aggressive course of IL-2. - She needs rest. - She needs to exercise memory - before it all turns to mush. - Not with you barking orders at her. - Butt out. - I don't care if you're her husband. Want to see how fast I can get your visiting hours down to zero? She signed a DNR. She signed a friggin' DNR and made me promise she'd come out of this with a life. Not in a hospital bed. Not with no brain. I had to promise she'd have a life. You want to know what happens if she can't make new memories? Forget about being a doctor. She'll need round the clock babysitters. We get an apartment, she can't find her way to the toilet! Tracker on her ankle in case she wanders out the front door! Alex. You can handle this. She will get better. Maybe, maybe not. It's on me. Her future is on me. - Is he gonna be OK? - We'll know more in the morning. Go ahead. How's she doing? Any better? - No. - Damn. Well, I'm going to City Hall - to go do the thing. - Seriously? It doesn't seem like the day for it. Look at Alex. He's in there working so hard all day. And she doesn't know. And if she stays like this, she may never know how much he loves her. And that girl Amanda? She's in there loving a stranger. She thinks that's her Prince Charming. He's probably gonna die today. Chances are. So, yeah, I'm gonna go get married. Because I think it's important to take the time to tell the people you love how much you love them while they can hear you. I love you, Cristina Yang. - You have changed. - Maybe I have. - What? - I'm gonna hug you. Maybe I don't understand people. I don't see things. Maybe I just don't get what's going on with you or why you're mad, but I think it's awesome. George joining the Army is awesome. - Shut up! - No. You asked me who I was. I am a person who thinks that what George is doing is dangerous and terrifying and brave. He's going to serve his country. He's going to risk his life to save the men and women who make it possible for you and I to sleep in our beds. I am a person who thinks that that is brave. And I am a person who stood in an airplane hangar and watched them unload my brother's body in a coffin, and all we got was a flag. My brother died over there because there weren't enough doctors. So for my money, George O'Malley is a patriot. He's a hero. And I am grateful that he exists. So, yeah, the word I use is "awesome." That's who I am. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry... - Wait! I love... you. - I... I love you too. - No. Just... I love you. I said I love you! Me. Cristina Yang! - You traumatised me. - I didn't know... I'm so sorry. No, damn it, not about the choking. You come here and you pull out my icicle and you make me love you and I can't... I don't want to... I can't breathe without you. You can do this, Cristina. We can do this. All you have to do is meet me halfway. All you have to do is say "yes." All you have to do is say "yes." What's your crit? This is disgusting. I can't believe we serve it to the patients. "You keep asking for lime Jell-O and don't like it." So stop giving it to me. You get mad if I don't. - OK. Now what's your crit? - I don't know. - I'm tired. - What's O'Malley doing tomorrow? Joining the Army. - I need a break. - You don't think I need a break? - Suck it up. - God! Back off. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but you are not the one with the short-term memory of a carrot. Hey, go ahead, get it off your chest. It's not like I'm gonna remember. I'm not the one with the carrot brain, but I'm married to it. Some wedding we walked into, because we thought you'd be dead in a week. You made me promise you wouldn't live like this. What am I supposed to do? Smother you with a pillow? Shoot you up with an overdose of morphine? Not really psyched about that. Leave you? Not psyched about that, either. So I'm kind of screwed, right? Not as bad as you, but not a friggin' walk in the park either! I'm sorry, lz. No, I told you to get it off your chest. You did. Did you forget yet? Nope. Not yet, give me a minute. If there's still a spot for me in general surgery, I'd like to take it. I spent months trying to talk you off peds, I finally get on board, - and you change your mind? - Tucker gave me an ultimatum. The fellowship or our marriage. - You chose your marriage. - No, I'm leaving him. Because a marriage that resorts to ultimatums is not a marriage. I mean what kind of husband does that? So I'm going to be a single mom. It's not the time for new specialties. Damn! I'm sorry. It's just the first time I've said it out loud. It kind of took the wind out of me. Miranda, are you sure about this? He might come around. - He's just scared. - We're all scared! If you're not scared, you're not paying attention! One of my residents just signed up to go to war! That's scary! Another one almost lost her life to melanoma, and doesn't know what day it is! That's scary! What Tucker's facing isn't scary! He's just weak! A pat on the back isn't gonna help, sir. Should I go? OK. OK. I'll just stand here with you, if that's all right. Yes, sir. That would be fine. I thought you were operating on John Doe. I already did. I'm looking at houses. One has a stone fireplace which I like. This one has a backyard the size of Montana. - You're buying a house? - Yeah. Right. OK. I'm buying a house. Right now. It's a buyers' market and I'm buying a house. The only reason you're even talking about a house is to make me feel bad. You're trying to prove you're moving on without me so I'll change my mind. This what women are doing when they say they're moving on? Yeah. They don't usually take out a home loan to do it. Pathetic. Let me be clear. I'm moving on. I'm a better woman than you. - Ready to go? - I just got a page. Our John Doe needs to go back into surgery. Post-op CT showed a re-bleed. I'm gonna have Nelson take care of it. - No. Really? - I'd prefer to do it myself, but I wanna check in on lzzie. We can do that first then get married after? - We have the George intervention after. - I'll have Nelson do it. Tell them to prep. We'll run to City Hall, - we'll come back and we'll do it. - Meredith. No. Let's go. We gotta go. We gotta run to City Hall, come back, check on lzzie, we'll monitor John Doe, - talk George out of the Army... - We could do this another day. There is no other day! Every day is like this. Every day there's a crisis. There's no time. - Meredith... - I love you. I wanna marry you today. But there is no time. - You have a piece of paper? - For what? I wanna be with you forever, and you wanna be with me forever. And in order to do that, we need to make vows, a commitment, a contract. - Give me a piece of paper. - I don't... I don't. I have Post-its. OK. What do we want to promise each other? That you'll love me even when you hate me. To love each other even when we hate each other. No running, ever. Nobody walks out. No matter what happens. - No running. - What else? That we'll take care of each other even when we're old and smelly and senile. If I get Alzheimer's and forget you... I will remind you who I am every day. To take care when old, senile, smelly. This... is forever. - Sign. - This is our wedding? A Post-it? Well, if you sign it. Now what? Now I kiss the bride. - Married? - Married. See that? Plenty of time. - Gotta do an EKG. - I don't even get any small talk? - What's your problem? - I'll tell you. I know I'm supposed to be grateful for my new lease on life. But Alex marched in here and basically told me that being married to me was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Yeah. And that he was trying to decide if smothering me with a pillow was the best way to put us both out of our misery. - OK, where is it? - Where's what? Where's the note that says that? - Did you write that down? - No. No! I'll be right there. Yes. Yes! - I've gotta go. I've gotta find Alex. - Go. Sorry. I was looking for George. It's after six. We scheduled an intervention so we could give O'Malley a piece of our minds about this idiotic Army business. - Did he leave already? - He never scrubbed in. He told me he was enlisting, I sent him home to spend the day with his mom since he's leaving so soon. He took off this morning. - How's his ICP? - Worse. OR's expecting us. - I thought you were getting married. - We did. Sure you want to start your honeymoon in an OR? We're sure. You can't be in here. I'll come get you in the waiting room. Hold his hand until you put him under. It does make him feel better. OK. Well, you made a good friend there. That happens when you take a bus for somebody. OK. I know this is scary. But you do have a great team up there. You wanna try to write again? Can you hold the pen? No? OK. O? O. Seven? Double O... Seven. Oh, God! Oh, God! - You paged. What do you need? - Way to go dipwad. Telling your wife you're trying to off her? Mind your business... Wait. - How did you know that? - She told me. You remember? Pillow or morphine. I got the whole thing. - I didn't mean that. - Of course you didn't. You love me too much to shoot me up with morphine even if I asked you to. And my stupid gorked brain is coming back. Oh, my God, I was so scared. I mean, I would have loved you no matter what. You're back. You're back. Iz. Iz? Lzzie! - Yang! - It's George! It's George! It's George! John Doe is George! - Izzie, look at me! Open your eyes! - Page Shepherd, the chief, Bailey. We have you, you hear me? We have you, we'll fix this. - Just stay with us. - O'Malley, it's Shepherd. - You're not going anywhere. - BP's dropping. Put him out now! - What happened? - Is it her brain? - Hyperkalemia. - Couldn't control the arrhythmias. You're going to have to start a little slower, okay? Listen to me. Michael's about to go down hard on money laundering, right? The Feds are this close to getting him. If they don't, the mob will. He needs the ultimate out. So you're telling me he faked his own death? Doesn't it solve a lot of his problems? He's got a tailor-made suspect. He's got me. Okay, so what about the stiff? You know, the one with the Michael Farrow-Smith toe tag on it. I think it's this guy. We trailed Anthea to his place. Look at his shoulder. Unless I'm wrong, this is the same guy that broke into my place. He was trying to make sure that I didn't have any evidence that would unravel their plan. So who is he? I don't know. Some guy they hired to do whatever they needed done until they didn't need him anymore. So they blew off his face to make him pass for Michael? I think it's possible. It was not Michael's watch on the body I saw. Did you run prints on the body? His hands were blown off, defensive gesture. Falco, I know I stuck that guy who broke into my place with that Indonesian statue. If this is the same guy, he would have a puncture wound in his left shoulder. Would you look? Would you check to see? There might still be mahogany traces in the shoulder. Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll take this picture. I'll run a forensic comparison on this guy and the guy in the morgue. Okay? I'll even comb through the evidence room. I'll do what I can. Guard! Well, Derian, I guess this is your lucky day. Okay, there you go. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. Do you have your ticket? It's electronic. Alice Jones. Okay, I'll just need to see an ID. Thanks. Police business. Out of the way, please. Step aside, please. Mrs. Anthea Farrow-Smith? Metropolitan Police, ma'am. Can you step this way, please? What's this about? Material witness to a homicide. Did this man book a flight? No, sir, I'm sorry. But there is a Herbert Jones pre-checked with Mrs. Jones. He should be on the plane already. Where's the guy in the seat next to you? I don't know. No one else has boarded. Damn. Derian. You look down, see how you can use life to your advantage. I know you have no reason to believe me, but everything that happened between us, that was real. It was so real you wind up here, making your escape, and I wind up with a murder rap, looking at life in prison. Once everything was set in motion, Jesus Christ, I couldn't get out. And I believed everything you told me. Derian, you were part of our plan at the beginning, that's true. But it was a simple plan. It was never supposed to go on this long. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. What about that guy on the bed? He was dead. And what about Travis? That was not my idea. Just wound up that way? Anthea hated watching me fall in love with you. But she wanted it at the same time. She knew the only way she could have you was through me. We let it go on too long. The people we owed money to, they started to figure out what was going on. Anthea got desperate. She panicked. But you didn't panic, did you, Michael? The cops picked up Anthea at the airport. How come you weren't with her? I told you. I wanted out of my marriage. I want to be with you. I don't believe you were part of this. I have $20,000 in this envelope, and a numbered bank account with $37 million. We could be anyone we want. We could start a new life tomorrow. If you mean that, then turn yourself in, Michael. Don't threaten me, Derian. Don't. If you don't, Michael, I will. I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life in some fucking black hole. Well, Derian, it's like I said. You have to do what you have to do. And so do I. What are you going to do, Derian, shoot me? Come on, Derian. Shoot me in the back. Don't do this, Michael. Come on. Shoot me in the back. Come on, Derian. Come on! Come on! God, Michael. 9-1-1. What's your emergency? Ma'am? What is the nature of your emergency? Hello? Ma'am? Your job is to walk out of a situation alive. You did. Hey, stop there, please. Just a second Excuse me Jobs like photo modeling and pays good money - Would you like to have money? - Money? - Take your clothes off. - Sounds risky! - No! I have to go now I don't like to pose nude - l don't have time now. - Where're you going? You earn HK$3,500 for a photo shoot, video shoot HK$20 to 35,000 per day lf you don't mind posing nude A girl like you will make good money - Don't you want money? - Not really You may end up being caught by police lt's like having a car accident I bet men are all over you lt's your challenge If you open yourself, things become easier Be courageous! That will make you beautiful Written and directed by Masato lSHlOKA What are you doing? - Did you find a job? - lt's not that easy! Forget it. Just forget it. Scoutman - Are you going home? - You decide I'll never go back to that place! Here you go again Give me change Don't you have some? - l'm broke. - Me too. - We'd better go home then. - What? You've time to pick up girls, but not for finding a job? Why me? Why do I have to suffer like this? That hurts. Are you listening to me? Ouch! Can't you be more careful with my leg? Good morning! Where are you going? Just like that? Are you still offering the job? No? I see. Thanks You wanna get laid? Forget it I said NO! Don't give me a hard time I'll hang up on you. Bye Do you have time? Hello Boy, you never give up I don't wanna hear your excuse I'm in deep trouble this time! My husband found out what I'm doing You said there wouldn't be trouble like this I won't work today! Would you turn down a little? No, I'm not in that Adult Video I told you I'm not in that AV Can't you trust your wife? You seem to be in trouble? Turn up this time I'm in a motel This guy locks me up here He's gonna rape me! Miki, which motel are you in? Give me a call, will you? - Are you an AV actress? - Sort of - ls there a watchdog for you? - Maybe Then what? You wanna run now? Ouch, ouch! that hurts! The number you have dialed Party tickets. I'll give you a discount! No, thanks You buy next time, okay? Hey, let's go to a party - l don't have money. - l'll give 50 percent discount. - l am really broke. - Next time then It's for you. Chewing gum. Thanks Check out these tickets! Special price I wonder what went wrong We couldn't finish I wonder, too I think it's your girlfriend You've got a marking on your shoulder Miki blew work. Can you make it instead? No? All right then Hi. Did you see Miki I didn't. Really? Where're you going? Please listen to me for a second Let's talk about a job Why not? How old are you? I'm sorry. I'll bring someone else with me We are on our way. Sorry for being late Hi! I want to talk with you lt's an interesting job - Everybody wants this job. - l'm in a hurry Without money, dreams would never come true Never mind. Sorry You've passed! I'll get you the nicest job you've ever had - You are irresistible! - ls it Adult Video? - Yes, it's AV. You know? - Let's go then We have to run! No ejaculating in my mouth. On my face is okay I can't take more than one actor at a time You pay me cash on delivery What are you? - l'm working in the sex industry. - What? I forgot to tell you that. Hurry! I'm sorry! You are late! Come this way We're behind time She's fresh from the farm Sounds good to me. Let's get going She is twenty years old I'll see you later C.O.D. okay? Okay, you'll get paid today Thanks Hold it. Spit it out here Do it, will you? For you Money - Your share. - What? It's your money now - Will you give me more? - No! What's wrong with you? Give me more Hey, get away! Don't come near me! Get your hands off me! I beg you, just one more gum Hey! What's going on? Hey! You! - What are you doing? - l'm sorry You've gone too far Come with me, jerk! My apologies What was that? I wanna make it up. Let's go to Karaoke box No. I've had with that freak! - The old man? - He's a freak. - Alright But the next guy's a good one You mean 'dating Karaoke'? You need money. You're broke Aren't you? We'll sing for an hour. No sex, no danger That was really good! She's such a beautiful singer! Damn good! It's your turn What's your favourite? Let me see... Traditional ones? Let me go to the washroom Don't you have a video shoot today? Never mind lt'd have been fun to watch Nothing special, really Hey! You two! You locked her up! He did, right? You son of the bitch! I'll change my agent! What are you trying to do? Where are you from ? Stop this crap! Let's talk in my office! Hey stop it! What are you doing? Get your hands off my leg! Let me go! Let me go! I'll kill you, freak! You, freak! That's enough. You don't wanna kill him Are you ok? You satisfied? What are you doing? Shut up! Shut the hell up! Thanks for buying these tickets Cheer up, will you? Thanks again I don't want it I don't - l said I don't! - Are you nuts? Mari, you are wild Let me make you look better Let's go It looks good on you - She looks like Miki? - Of course she does. We're to make money here. Stop fighting Tell your husband : You're right, she looks like me! Excuse me. Can I go now? Ah yes. I'm coming with you Try to make it up with each other Just a second Make her pay for what she did Let's go then Miki, think about what you did today. Yes You've got to pay penalty You're a real good manager You can quit if it's too much for you and your husband - Let's make love. - What are you talking about? - Let's do it. - No - Why not? - l just don't Pay my money back What a distressing day! - Do you know Yoko Ozawa? - Sure I do! - l spotted her as an AV actress. - You did! Hi! What's your job? - l have to run. - A few minutes will do Sorry Where were we? - Does it make good money? - The girls? No, I mean the scoutman lt's up to you The sex industry is for men only , right? Women are excluded from there lt may be an opportunity for me to catch up Making love is a private thing The AV actor blows away your rationality with his technique! A new sexual experience Sounds interesting! Will I meet with a cool guy? You bet - You won't see old guys like me. - Sure? They're also good at sex. I mean it Excuse me, Miss. Excuse me You are irresistible. How old are you ? How about becoming a model? You're beautiful! Are you Japanese? I can earn HK$7,000 a day? Yeah, up to HK$10,000 - Not bad! - Of course How many days can you work? Per month? Let me see, I have to go to school Would you be interested in AV? As an actress? - l'm sorry. - Wait please - You really hit my spot! - Let me talk with you, please? - l think you can be an actress. - Sounds fishy! No, it is not... may be a little sexual - Are you interested? - l think I am - He is interested. - Are you? - Try it for yourself then. - l don't think so You wanna do that again? The regular game Thank you very much Lucky boys You are supposed to say thank you - How did it go with Miki? - She's a pain in the neck! She'll bring you money if you do it right I don't want to be a manager He looks good for a manager - Who the hell is he? - New comer. Be nice to him Don't come back here Bring us hot chicks! Go and get them Thank you for coming to our club 'Labyrinth' Kana at table 4 is buying us champagne! Everybody gather around Kana is really generous. A big present from her ls everyone gathered here? Shall we start? Has everyone got a glass? Be happy. ls everyone holding a glass Ready? Okay, we're all ready Wait, I don't see Mizuki here He's with another customer. So what? He can't leave that table Mizuki? You must come to my table Don't get in my way Mizuki, come with me. C'mon! Shut the fuck up. Bitch! He's my boy You've got no money, cheap old bitch! What a nerve! I have to go Get your hands off me! Don't squall, kid! Are you trying to pick a fight with me? You're connected to the answering service - What kind of music you like? - What kind? Funky tunes? Sorry to interrupt. Did he tell you who he is? We are scoutman for the sex industry - Would you be interested in AV? - No Hey, wait What were you talking about? Hobbies Hobbies? Are you trying to pick up girls? Scouting requires skills. lt's not easy, Tantai pays you HK$20 -30 thousand What's Tantai? It means star oriented. The name of the actress sells You spot girls who'll make it as a star lt's your job to get good quality girls The first thing you do is ask if she's working lf she is, ask her about her income lt's money that talks. Got that? Money... Yes Go back and do it. Do it You're connected to the answering service You can buy goods with names Like Prada, or Gucci. You want them don't you How old are you? I'm 16 16? Really? Forget it. Thanks Why not? Go home, kiddo! It's late We'll talk when you turn 18 Go home and good night Underage is strictly prohibited. Don't forget What's that? A present Hey! What're you doing? Let me do it Are you drunk? Cut it out! It smells nice, doesn't it? Stop it! Sorry It's my fault. What fault? That you didn't call me today You could have gone home alone I was looking for a job What's wrong with you? Why didn't you go back home? Sorry. I'm sorry I've got a place to sleep tonight. Where? My friend's office. What office? A talent agency Oh, that's the job you got ls that the job you got? Let's go there together. You come with me You like girls. Don't be stupid There you go again Not going! Yes, we will You're such a pain in the butt Don't want to go there That hurts. Sorry Your leg's hurting? I'm sorry Please bite Harder Hey! I'll go look for a job again What about you? I've got one already What is this for? For your meals It's entertainment business, but no hanky-panky Be sure to call me I'm 17 years old No? I see. Thank you Why don't you help me? Help? Are you angry about last night? No We'll have a big party soon Technically you buy a ticket for HK$30 Then you sell it for more. The balance is yours Hi, wanna go to a party? Where is it? At the Core. Core? You'll be swamped with beautiful girls Thanks a lot See this What're you waiting for? Can I talk to you? I am a scoutman. For what? For talents or models And for AV? Yes Give me a break! Are you trying to look smart? Make them listen to you You're not trying hard enough Spot a girl who will listen Random approach won't work I guess you're right Make them interested in you first Do you have a girlfriend? I do. She's not the girl for this business Does she know of your job? Yes. She sees me working I am now She doesn't mind? No. I always tell her to be smarter than those girls Are you still with us? Are you quitting or what? You can earn extra money with your tits l don't know Up to HK$20,000 per week for just a few days' work You've got time? No time? Do you have time? I can offer you a part-time job lt's in the sex industry, like AV lt's good money I am a scoutman for jobs like AV Please listen! Either of you? I am a scoutman for AV and different jobs for in the sex industry? I can explain how it works You look desperate Hello, let me read your palm You like sex I don't particularly like it. Really? You're a kind person You're affectionate, but need company all the time Hate to be lonesome And you like money. Yes Well, everyone does I can offer you a job that suits your need The job I am talking about... is AV actress What? Did I surprise you? I think I did. I am too You what? I am surprised too But listen to this part You'll earn a lot more than you think How good is it? Let me see... in one week Let me talk Up to HK21,000 for a few days Are you working? I am What kind of job? Waitress You've got the cutest voice I've ever heard No, I don't Everybody would agree. I don't think so Say hold me tight. Why should I? Call me when you change your mind? By the way, do you wanna get laid? Now? No, I've got my period No problem. He doesn't mind Why not with him? No Just kidding, buddy Please write you name in full Here is the pay for today May I? All right. Thank you very much I wasn't told about the video shoot today You said you like sex. You enjoyed being taped That's not the point My boss is a bit strange. You'll forget soon This receipt is the proof of you voluntary act Thanks. We'll call you Hey, wait. Take the money, will you? I don't want it lt's your pay for today I want you to have it Thank you Thanks for coming My boss is a bit strange? Her name? Here it is She's a nymphomaniac, I know she likes it lt's your share. What share? The commission for scouting that girl What should I promote her for? AV? Photography model or what? You said women are exploitable I try not to touch promising girls That's not the point I have to pay rent, bills, your salary and so on I need money You jump on easy money I suppose you never fucked girls you've recruited? I strive to get girls, but you have sex with them with camera rolling. Then cash in the tape! Yoshiya, what makes you think you're clean in this business? That girl won't come back You want to take it? C'mon. Ha... money? Next time make it look dirtier Hey! Less than usual. Less? Definitely less. No one can cheat you Then stop trying! make it look nastier okay? Excuse me, is this video You've got a customer here! is this video without mosaic? Absolutely no covering Sorry I couldn't call you sooner I can pay at least interest for your loan See you then Have fun and you'll meet tons of girls there Mari! You've improved Have I? Getting better at selling tickets. I'm trying Keep trying. Sure I'll see you later guys. See you Check out these tickets! No thanks Why not? It's a great bargain I want 50 tickets. What? 50 party tickets lt'll be HK$3,500 for 50, right? Kissing okay? What? Hang on a second, will you? Write down what he said Hello, alright, I'm on my way I'll ring you later. What? 20 tickets Haruka! How did it go? I'm exhausted lt's our turn next Please just listen to me Good morning Were you hired by Memory? Please to meet you again Where is Yoshiya? He's busy I'm assigned as your manager I kind of knew it. What? Let's go then, manager Where to? Follow me She's the one I talked about Your name and your school Yoshiko from Kitabayashi High School What year? Second year Wait here Hello, Yoshiko from Kitabayashi Any record of drug abuse or arrest? No? Are you sure? All right then Come over here When you're done with the man, he'll give you ...the tickets. Then I'll buy it back for HK$350 each Listen! You meet the old man to get tickets, I know nothing. You got that? Kana. What do I do now? What did those old men say? HK$2,100 for 'Kissing is not okay.' HK$3,500 for 'Kissing okay.' HK$1,400 for 'Petting, limited to small tits.' They're cheap! What are you going to buy? I'm gonna buy a dress A LV bag for me. A Verni's for me A wallet maybe My allowance is never enough. Me too Too little to survive on Look at them They look...stinky They smell old I can always ask some other girls I'll do it Me too. Count me in 'Kissing okay' Small tits.' Be gentle with her, it's her first time Let's get going Sorry for being overdue Don't be again. I'm sorry Understood? Everything is just fine You don't know what you're doing What? Prostitution. So what? What do you mean by so what? That's wrong. Go home kiddo Kana told me you're lame, but working hard to pay for school? No, I am not. Fuck off! I was a star before This one too But now I'm just one of them, like in this video The one you saw is this How could you! Hey stop it! Chill out Please stop! Kana told me you're lame but working hard to pay for school? Get off me! Fuck off! Come check this out! Party tickets! Give me Buy tickets for a party Why did you do that? That's the way I am. What? I can't help myself. See you Where're you going? Somewhere There'll be a video shoot tomorrow. I know How about blow jobs? It's alright, but a few times I nearly puke One old guy got drunk and came on to me ...without taking a shower. He jumped onto me and started licking all over my body Afterwards, he started preaching me, saying A young girl like you shouldn't be doing this The package design is fabulous. Yeah? Look at her, she's cute The face is the thing I know what you mean ls the interview over? Please wait. Sorry it took so long but you're cute What do you think? She's in the sex industry No! She's an OL. Don't lie to me Never girls from the industry. They're thick skinned Could she be in the 'program video' then? You've got visitors here. I'll be with you soon You have done good jobs before ln this room I'm going now. Thanks a lot See you. See you I told you not to mention your job I forgot You know the agent called Pretty? Just got busted for Child Porn Act No kidding? Would you go out with girls with no money? Forget it. No money? Never I can go out with an AV actress if she pays me to forget her occupation lt's the bonus of a scoutman A gift from his girlfriend His watch make mine look so cheap Yours too? Sort of So many stupid girls around You're connected to What is it? It smells good lt stinks! I'm relieved, I can still feel Hot towels used in sleazy bars With sperm in them! That's gross! Stop it! I'm home You're back You're late. Yeah Did you pay the bills? I did Do I get my share for today? Take a seat You wanted me to call, but there was no answer Call me back, will you? - Look at your outfit. - So what? - Where have you been? - What do you care? - What do you mean? - You don't care - l saw you. - What? You were with a woman yesterday I was working - That's my job. - What job? That hurts! You were so intimate with the girl You wanted me to work isn't she an AV actress? What a horny looking girl! Did you sleep with her? With those clothes Keep going till you die! You look like You like sex! girl who escorts dirty old men Nobody wants you, you're lame! Nobody would pay you Go fuck yourself! You're not trustworthy. You break promises You lie all the time. You pick up girls I'm totally fed up with you! That's right. I pick up girls for work So what! So what? What makes you think you're different from them? Hi guys! Want to buy party tickets? I have a girlfriend. Go together then I'll give HK$70 for 2 . Special price Okay? Thanks She'll be pleased. Thanks a lot Stop, here Good morning Thank you. That was good Really good, but a bit long The camera was rolling for an hour! Good morning. I'm sorry we're late You're loud. You really were Such a penetrating voice Yours too, Miki Ai. Yes? How many videos have you done? It's my first. First? First? Please to meet you. Likewise Do I say to an actor : good, in bed? Not really instead he'll ask you like, Good heh? Can I take the call? Hello I'm fine. Why? No. lt's a girl Can you help me? It's my boyfriend Please tell him you're my friend Hello. How do you do I'm having lunch with Ai See? It's a girl. Okay, see you Did I do okay? Hi again He's new isn't he? Yes, he is Would you care for a drink? Thanks. Tea please What the hell are you doing? It's your job to serve the girls Please ls this my next costume? Yeah, the tight sports wear A pair of bloomers! Do you like it? No? Mmm... excuse me I'm going to smoke a cigarette Anything wrong? Nothing's wrong Don't be shy Here you go again, Sanae I was teasing him See-through one Why am I wearing this? It looks cute though That's what AV is all about. Yes it is That's the principle Your manager looks naive He was surprised But then, he'll lose interest soon What a shame Her face was covered with semen. Gross! - Feel good, hah? - Yes - HK$7,000 for today. - Really? Her too. We're with the same agent - l think the pay is average. - l think so, too - But why? - Nothing lf you feel good, say it - Does it hurt? - No, it doesn't - Are you sure? - l'm sure - She's sort of. - Excuse me Ai started to cry during the shoot Can we shoot your part now instead? - Alright. - Thank you - Thanks. - Let's get going then Okay, Miki Please sit on the bed and look into the camera That's where you should be I'll start with an interview Let's take. Camera is rolling I understand you're a school teacher Boys would go crazy for you They're so cute. They're in their adolescence They're very sensitive in that sense You let them do what they want then? Whenever they come to me with their studies l know it's just their excuse How do they start? They are not rough They play with my body Do they go wild or gentle? Which do you prefer? Let me see. I prefer wild How're things going? What? With your girlfriend. I don't know Talk to her. Why? You'll know. Go! Are you a student? Yes May I introduce you to a job? How much would I make? HK$7,000 per hour. HK$7,000! Let's talk in my office A tip for you isn't that interesting? What kind of job? How much would I really make? HK$3-7,000 for a program video HK$20-35,000 for a star-oriented video I heard many agents rip off their talents No! I never do that! Are you sure? Of course! Will I be paid in full? Don't you worry - You say you like sex? - Yes That means you'll give it a shot? - Yes, you can say that. - Really? In that case, please sign here - What's this? - A letter of consent Okay Atsushi A girl is asking about her pay. Take her call I need to see your l.D. Thank you Lend me your finger, will you? I'm sorry, I don't really know I really mean it I'll ask my boss about it How cute! A beautiful face Fabulous! Could you take off your top? - No! - Why? - My bra doesn't look good today. - Let me see lt's sexy! You wear like that all the time? You look dynamite! Look at your body! I hate it. I'm so fat lt's great! Alright. I want to see you without the bra You what? What are you worried about? Don't be shy! You've got big tits. Are you sure? Wow! Beautiful! Smile. That's it. Good 3...2...1. Thanks 30 percent commission of the gross amount HK$3,150 for commission Checking out Thanks, Emi. Thanks I'll see you Manager, I told him we only provide oral sex , but he insisted on penetration Don't worry. You won't see him here again The next customer is waiting Come to work more often, will you? You've became such a pro. Have I? Thank you for waiting. This way, please Nice to meet you Please enjoy! Work hard! Bring more girls Why are you filming me? It's a sort of screen test - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you - Are you nervous? - No What's your present job? - l work in a convenience store. - You do? How much do you make a month? About HK$10,000 per month. Sounds tough So you want another job for extra cash? I guess you can say that I'm actually curious - You mean about sex? - Yes In that case, let's try shooting now, so you won't get nervous on the set A test shoot? You can make things up, alright? Tell me your name, please - Make it up? - That's right But how? Any name you like to be called - Yuko, then. - Yuko sounds fine How old would you like to be? How old should I be? You can be any age - You look young. Lets make it 19. - 19? Let's start again. Say your name - l'm Yuko. - How old are you? - l'm 19 . - You are young I heard you like sex Which part of your body is most sensitive? Most sensitive? I think it's my breasts - l see. They look big . - Think so? Can you take off your bra? - Big! They're beautiful, too. - Really? Let me touch it How do you feel? Touch my thing here, will you? Something's wrong with him He was once a legendary scoutman Did he screw a girl again? He did He lets himself down lt's time to go Quit and be a freelancer He won't let you work in this territory Don't leave, please You stay and learn from him The girl you scouted the other day? She called... to say she won't do it I'm gonna call it a day That manager was arrested - A new video? - Yes Let me see it I'll buy it, but bring me one with underaged girls - That's illegal. - l know that - l'll ask someone else then. - l'll do it No fakes, no lies With her l.D. like this one ls this real? I'll cover these up How about this video? I won't sell many I can pay this much - l got paid double. - l won't sell many See you - l'll see you soon. - l won't take long Mister! Mister! Hey! Stop it Change a younger girl? Never mind Keep going for a few more rolls. Alright She looks promising She'll make it to be Tantai Thanks a lot Ready to take off your top? That's it Hey, stop that Happy birthday to you! You're getting old! You, too Delicious. Good What? That girl Yoshiko? You said she's clean Porno? She got busted for that? Hey! I've got nothing to do with Porno! I'm sorry You got nothing but trouble What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry Sorry won't help. Where's my money? I want to see it now! Shut up! I'll bring the money, alright? Bring it by tomorrow! - What's going on? - We'd better flee Why? The girls who got busted told the cops about us - Really? - They've started investigating What're you going to do? I've got no money I've got no place to go neither I'm gonna get the hell out of this damn town Do you really want to quit? Please let me be a freelancer Let me stay and work in your territory because that's the only place I know - Can you do me a favor? - What's that? I need an underaged girl Where're we heading? Beats me I'm bloody bored to death Let's sell party tickets - No SandM ? - l see My boss got Miki the role without her consent You can't. Alright then Atsushi... I'll do it Excuse me, I'm ready now I'm looking for an underage girl I don't know any Maybe not now Cut. That's it for today Let's wrap it up Excuse me Well done I'll untie. Thanks Shooting's over Shall we go in? Don't fuck your own commodity Party tickets! I'll give you a special discount Buy the tickets Hey! Check it out Go home, Mari Let's rip them off and run We'll meet here later Are you the one working hard to pay for school? Where did she go? To a Karaoke bar with my colleague She said she couldn't have sex but you could She asked me to show you these tickets HK$3,500 for a blow-job and kissing is not okay I thought the figure was very high Why did you buy them? I like slim girls with small tits and long legs A pretty face with big eyes You're my type I'm lame and people hate me That makes two of us l don't have wits. Me neither My boss always complain about my stupidity I don't go to school. I didn't go that often I'm not innocent That's great, I wish I were I'm a silly old man, good for nothing I eat like a horse, but so what? I'm good for nothing How about a kiss? May I kiss you? No kissing Don't give me that, will you? Let me kiss you I bore people to death Please don't remind me of that People hate my guts Please let me kiss you. I'll pay HK$700 more What? Why? Another HK$700 for sex. How about it ? How about this song? Hey you! Don't you fool me! Hey! What are you Please bite my shoulder Hi Yoshiya, it's me, Miki Sorry to tell you this, but I'm quitting. Bye What are you doing? Scout me for another job No prospect being an AV actress I'm free now, what are you waiting for? I am a scoutman. For? Fuzoku where no intercourse is required How much would I make? A pretty girl like you makes HK$70,000 per month I prefer commission basis She was an AV actress with name. So I believe She is worthy of 20 percent commission Payable on the 10th of each month lf you offer less, I'll put off the deal Please make it 15 percent and I need her photos for ads Fine. Let me talk to her I did exactly what you told me to do Don't forget a 5 percent kickback This is so Miki I'm going then Work hard, don't Let Yoshiya beat you I'm looking for a underaged girl for a video Do you know any? I know one Party tickets! Kana is late ls anything wrong? - How are you doing? - l'm fine Behind you Why don't you take me to your office? Hobby? Shopping What do you want to buy? Let me see A Prada bag, LV wallet, a Gucci watch What do you want to do the most? - Do the most? - Like a dream Nothing in particular - What's your job? - l'm not working - How much do you earn? - Zero Don't you want money? That's the way you do it Forget it. Why? Keep going How old are you? How old? I'm 18 now Did you know that? My eyes are big, my nose is quite tall and I'm tan 36bust and 22waist What kind of sex do you like? 28 C cup Hey! What are you doing? Stop it Whether you have big or small breasts, big hips or long legs makes a difference to your price, right? - What comes next? - What? - The next step. - Promo-stills Let's do it then How much would I get if I work for AV or Fuzoku? I don't know HK$3,500 as a minimum for a date only HK$7,000 for Fuzoku and HK$56,000 for AV - What do you think? - Not bad - Even with a lame leg? - Not a problem Take the photo. Take it Will you put the same price on me after 10 years Forget it Bite my shoulder. Harder You've got your self hard. So what? She's new to this, so get her nice clients You can count on me. She looks good Bring me girls like her, okay? I'll try. I'll talk to her He said you look promising. They've a boarding house When do I start? Anytime you want I want to start now. As you wish Excuse me - The model for today's shooting? - Yes Your name is Kana All right then Change into the clothes in this bag It doesn't have to be true. You fake the profile Your name is Michiko from Tokyo Your favourite hang-outs are Karaoke and clubs Read it before the shoot I'm fine Let's begin then. Ready? Let's meet with a 15 year-old student, Michiko Tell us something about yourself My name is Kana and I am 15 years old I ran away from home and I'm selling party tickets - Do you have a boyfriend? - No I don't Don't you feel lonesome? Not really. I don't need one I hate school and my parents lt hurts - You didn't want to do it again then? - No Why did you do it again? Mmmm... I don't know Can you take off your top? Did you know Sugishita got busted? For child molest. I see Sorry I didn't mean to scare you Do you like sex? Become AV actress? Good morning. You scared me Please meet with her for an interview You look confident. I am He said he's confident. Let me talk with her then Shall we start now? It may take a while Alright? The design is fabulous She looks sexy This girl is isn't she pretty? She's with Yoshiya She's a new face but a bit weird Her leg made me feel awkward I'm terribly sorry I'll see to it you get another girl next time Please come back again Hey! What the hell! Hey! Get off him Are you all right? I am sorry. I am sorry about this This is really terrible. He's a trouble maker Trouble? I do apologize. Please take care You son of a bitch! I'm terribly sorry for what he did - You are only young once. - Yes, but... Call me when you change your mind You can find me here anytime Remember me when you need money Take care! Watch out for freaks! Sugishita was arrested You'll pay me for stealing the girl I scouted Hi there! Where're you heading? I have to run I like your hairdo. You look so cute AV, would you be interested? Interested? No I don't know How about Fuzoku? No one would know Resync: Xenzai[NEF] Lexx 3.11 Girltown 79 kisses from Kai on the head 79 kisses from Kai One more kiss from the man who is dead - That's 80 cold kisses from Kai on the head! 80 cold kisses from Kai on the head 80 cold kisses from Kai One more kiss from the man who is dead - That's 81 kisses from Kai on the head! You know, these really are two strange planets. I mean, you know, we recognise people that we know lived thousands of years ago, like Bunny, and Fifi, and others. I mean - they died! And we see them here, and they're alive, like we're alive. Perhaps they just look the same. Exactly the same? With exactly the same personalities? You think we're in some kind of afterlife? What do you mean, Stanley? I mean, a place you go when you die. I mean,how do we know that we're not dead? I mean, OK, you've been dead for, what, 6000 years, but how do we know I'm not dead? You are alive, Stanley - from my perspective, anyway. What's this? Nothing. Oh - pretty pretty. It's not mine. Liar. It's not mine. It's not me! Stop crying! Doily! I didn't do anything, please don't, no! Wait - look! Sharp eyes there, Pearl. You're welcome. Thanks Pearl. Back to work, girls. And remember - we make hot air balloons here, not fancy dresses. Seeing that you're dead, and you weren't here - well, I mean, you know, until we arrived here - how could this be an afterlife? Perhaps the part of me that is alive is here, somewhere. What, you mean now? Yes, now. OK, well, I hope you get to meet him - or it. You think we're ever gonna find her? I don't know how anybody could survive down there. What'd you do that for? Look. Those are definitely her footprints, am I right? Yes, they appear to be hers. Are you coming, Stanley? Where? Up there. Well look, you're much better at that than me, so, why don't you go up first and check it out. I'll stay down here, watch the moth, and I'll keep an eye out for Xev in case she spots us down here. It's hotter down here than it is up there. That's OK, I don't mind, really. If it gets so I can't stand it down here I'll just take the moth and fly around for a little while. You OK, buddy? Guess not. Welcome to Girltown! That's just warm enough. Giggerota. You're alive? Who's Giggerota? You. You're Giggerota, were Giggerota. I don't know anymore. We are Queen. Queen of Girltown. Are you - a girl? Me? No no no no no. No. You look like a girl. No no, definitely not a girl. You're confused. I'm definitely not a girl. Let's have a closer look. Creamy, dreamy drumsticks! Drumsticks? Your soft sweetness belongs to... Me? Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx. Captain of the who? The Lexx. The big bug? Flies around in the sky? See, I came here with Kai - the dead guy in black? We're looking for Xev. A woman dressed in a Cluster lizard outfit. And you know, I really should get back to looking for her, if you don't mind. So, you're not from either Fire or Water? No. No no no. Like I said, we're from the Lexx - see, we were - well, the Lexx came from the Light Universe and we were all there until it got destroyed, and then we came here to the Dark Zone, the other universe. That's so good! Queen was hoping to hear that. Why? Because all the bodies here are gone before bodies. This doesn't help Queen! You're a first timer, aren't you Stanley captain? Say it, to Queen. Say what? I mean, I'm not a first timer, I'm experienced. Say it to Queen, that you haven't died before! What are you talking about? Of course I haven't died before. I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm a hundred percent alive. Pinky and rosy, Stanley captain, captain Stanley, pinky and rosy! Queen is so happy! She's mad. Drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks! . Definitely mad. Council time, your majesty. Boring, boring, boring, boring! Don't you go anywhere. Quorum? Yes, your majesty. Begin. Can I have a motion to adopt the agenda? Moved. Seconded. Right. The first item on the agenda is - Point of order, your majesty. You have the floor, Wrench. I would like to amend the agenda to talk about that girl. Point of order, your majesty. Socket. Wrench's point is a point of personal privilege, not a point of order Wrench? Your majesty, I withdraw my point of order - but we still have to discuss the girl. The point of order is withdrawn. Point of personal privilege. Hammer. Your majesty, this person may look like a girl, but they do not dress, nor do they behave, like a girl. And since it is quite obvious that they are not a boy, this person must therefore be a non-she. Point of personal privilege, your majesty. Wrench? Every boy of us in this room is aware of how dangerous the non-shes are. How do we know that this non-she who suddenly just appeared in the desert didn't come here to Girltown - to destroy us? ! The point, the point, the point, the point? How do we know, your majesty, that this non-she is not Prince? ! Point of personal privilege, your majesty! Hammer. Your majesty, how do we know that Duke is not behind the sudden appearance of the non-she? How do we know that this is not yet another of Duke's plots to infringe upon the autonomy of every boy in Girltown? Yes. Stanley captain - you said you knew Queen. You called Queen Giggerota, and wondered why Queen was alive. The non-she has lived before - and who but Prince can live and die and come back looking like someone else? Duke can, your majesty. Duke can come back after death - but only as Duke! True - but like Prince, Duke is also a non-she, and is even more capable of sending spies to sabotage us. Is there a motion on the floor? I would like to make a motion. Wrench. Whereas the non-she Prince has the ability to change into other forms, and whereas a non-she appears out of nowhere who claims to have known our Queen in a past life, be it resolved that this non-she is in fact Prince, and therefore must receive the highest punishment possible - death! Death? ! Hammer? I would like to amend the motion, your majesty. Is the mover agreeable? What is the proposed amendment? That unlike boys, who work together in a spirit of harmonious co-operation - all non-shes are constantly fighting in a spirit of violent combative aggressiveness, and whereas Duke is continually trying to usurp and undermine Prince, be it further resolved that the non-she is in fact an agent of Duke, and therefore should receive the highest punishment possible - death! Hear hear! Point of order! Wrench. That is not an amendment your majesty, it is a second motion. We should vote on the earlier motion first, before considering another motion. Are you proposing to amend the amendment? I'm proposing plain and simple that this non-she must die because the non-she is Prince! Hammer. Your majesty, my amendment clearly states that the non-she must die, but not because the non-she is Prince, but because the non-she is Duke! That is not an amendment. Point of personal privilege, your majesty. Socket. I would like to make an amendment to the amendment. I really think we should deal with the first amendment first - Whereas boys and non-shes have fundamentally separate agendas, and whereas this is a non-she, be it further resolved that this non-she must be following a non-boy agenda, and therefore should receive the highest punishment possible - death! Death! Death! But I didn't do anithing! So moved. Seconded. The amendment is on the floor. Point of order. Hammer. I would like to withdraw my amendment, your majesty. Socket's amendment is agreeable to the amender. Point of order. Wrench. I would also like to withdraw my motion as well, your majesty. Do we have a motion? We have an amendment to a withdrawn motion on the floor, your majesty. Well, can we vote on it? No, your majesty unless, the secondamender is agreeable to make the amendment take the form of a motion. Then we could have a new motion on the floor. So moved. Seconded. In that case, call the question! All those in favour that the non-she has been following a non-boy agenda, and therefore should receive the highest possible punishment - death - signify by saying Aye! Aye! The motion is carried. Councillors, Queen has no intention of interfering with your sentence, but would like to introduce a further motion - Queen simply has to have his body! All those in favour of her majesty's motion? Aye! The motion is carried. 789 kisses from Kai on the head. So many kisses from Kai. One more kiss from the man who is dead - That's 790 kisses for robot head 790! I can't go on! I can't, I can't, I can't! I can't! What's that for? What're they doing? Look - I said I didn't do anything. Look, look guys, listen can we just talk this over, OK? I mean - let's have another meeting, OK? The things Queen is going to do with that body. You just give Queen the shivers. Yeah, well, I'm glad, you know, because - because Queen gives captain Stanley the shivers too. Why doesn't Queen just let captain Stanley out of this thing and we can talk things over? Together, in a way that pleasures us both, huh? If Queen knows what captain Stanley means. All Queen wants is your body - from the nape of your neck right down to your tippy tippy toes. All I'm saying is that the term non-she may be derogatory to those boys who do not wish a negative prefix attached to their sex. It's a fundamental and typical violation of their autonomy. Yes, but non-shes in the context of this motion refers to those who are not boys. The negative prefix is attached to the non-shes, not the boy at all. That's not the point. Non is negative and is attached, therefore it attaches negativity to the word she, to which it is attached. Granted. But do you agree to the earlier motion? Oh, throw that in my face! Point of order. Hammer. Can we please table this discussion and return to the amendment on the original motion? If the mover and seconder agree. Agreed. I most emphatically do not agree! I for one will not sit idly back while we entrench this negative attachment to our collective identity into the minutes. Then what do you propose we substitute for the term non-she? Man! She used the M-word! Look, you can have me, OK? Look, I'm willing to play whatever game you want. I mean, like I said, I'm experienced, I've done all kinds of things, kinky things even, kinky, in the tub, you know, just - name your game, I'll make you happy. Oh, Queen can never be happy. Oh, why? Because life is difficult for Queen. Prince rules this planet. Duke wants to rule it. And will Queen ever get a chance? No, no. Because Queen is stuck here in this cesspool. And all we do on Girltown is make balloons. Well I'm sure that can't be any fun for you. And have council meetings, and more meetings, balloons, and more meetings, and amendments, and points of order and more meetings and points of order and balloons, and - Round and round and round and round, up and down and touch the ground. Round and round and up and down, up and down and touch the ground. So, who do you make these balloons for? Balloons. Everyone else. They, they make the balloons to attack the planet Water, and then each other. And Queen just stagnates. Do you understand? No. No, not completely. There's no body for Queen. Now do you understand? I don't know I wanna understand. Queen is desperate. Queen doesn't have much time. Well then leave, who's stopping you? You! Me? Queen desperately wants your body, captain drumstick. Hey, just call me Stanley. Drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks. Whatever Queen wants, Queen gets. And captain Stanley... her majesty wants you. This is what you have to give me. That's how it works. Hello there. Who are you? I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G. I'm Doily. Where do you come from? From up there. From Water? No. I come from the Lexx. The big bug in the sky, which some believe to be a comet. I wish that I were not alive, I wish that I were dead Maybe then the man in black would take the head to bed. I am looking for a friend. Her name is Xev. Is she from here? No. Xev is a beautiful love slave. She is dressed in the skin of a lizard. Are you for real? I am - for real. None of us know Xev. Well then, I will let you get back to your sewing. No, wait Kai, please. You've got to help us. We're held here in this awful place against our will, forced into the worst kind of slavery. See, they keep us girls down here in the heat, while those inhuman beasts who live upstairs beat us, torture us, humiliate us, insult us, sometimes even worse - poor Pearl. And all because we are the way we are - but we've done nothing wrong. Who does this to you? Them! Help us Kai, please! I am looking for a woman named Xev. She is not from here. Have you seen her? Just what do you think you are? I am dead. That's right, sweetie. I suggest, that you reconsider your position. Free us! Now might be a good moment to take advantage of the element of surprise. Let's get 'em, girls! Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love you! We knew some day a real man would come along and free us. And today's the day! I am not a real man. I am - a dead man. Kai! Captain drumsticks! The proper way to address your queen is to say: "Your majesty, I am your loyal subject, and will gladly give you everything that I can". Your majesty I am your loyal subject and I will happily give you anything. I can, now look, Queen, or Giggerota, or whoever you are, why don't you just get out of that tub and - let me out of here. Be careful what you wish for, or you will get what you want. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Girlfriends? Yeah, yeah, I've had lots. Did you ever share your body with these girlfriends? Well, yeah. Queen wants you to share your body with her. What do you want to do with my body? Queen wants to put her head onto it. Where do you wanna put your head on my body? Queen wants to put her head onto the part that sticks out. I don't care, I'm leaving! If you leave we lose quorum. Don't do this to us, Hammer. We've still got a lot left on the agenda. You said the M-word. Take your hand off me! She's right Hammer. You can't leave. What? Unless we make a motion to adjourn. - Moved. - Seconded. I would like to speak to the motion and make an amendment to it as well. You can't debate a motion to adjourn. Point of personal privilege! I move we vote the motion to adjourn in special session. The boys up there hate us. They've always hated us, keeping us down here in the filth and the heat well, it's just not fair. - It does not seem fair. But there's nothing that we can do, we just have to suffer because we are different. You do not have to suffer anymore. You are free. You can go. Where? Wherever you want. But there's nowhere else to go. We're not like the others here on Fire. We don't want to kill people and take over their cities, we're not that type. I just came from a place called Garden. Garden is a beautiful garden, and it is empty now. You could live there. What is a garden? A place of beautiful flowers, with food that is good to eat growing all around. The water planet. Did you hear that, girls? A place of our own. Garden - a place of beautiful flowers, and plants that are good to eat grow all around - but how would we get there? Didn't you say, that you make balloons here? But how would we find it, this garden, full of beautiful flowers and blossoms? I will show you, after I find Xev. I believe she is somewhere in this town. We will help you find her. Pinky and rosy, captain Stanley, Stanley captain, pinky and rosy. Pinky and rosy, Stanley captain! Queen is boiling over. I can hardly wait! So have you seen that all the cities here on Fire follow a certain pattern? They are each populated by one type or other of horrible vicious evil people. I have observed that. So explain us! How do we fit in? Are we horrible and vicious? It's just some kind of awful mistake, Kai. We don't belong here, it's so awful. What have we done wrong? We don't belong on this planet. We belong on Water, But the boys - they really do belong here! Boys! Call the question. Is that on the motion to go in special session, or the motion to adjourn? I believe my motion is on the floor - read the bye-laws. Call the question! All those in favour of the motion to - We are looking for a woman named Xev. Non-she... you are - By non-she, do you mean - a man? Queen is going to get to know every inch of you. Queen is going to feel so good. Queen wants your body. Queen will take your body, now! Help me, somebody! Help me Kai! Stanley may not be ready to part with it yet. Oh, thank you Kai. This is for Pearl. We're leaving this place forever. We're going to a garden on the planet Water, without you. And we're never coming back. 790? Yes, black man of death, separated from his blue robot head? We are returning to the Lexx. Joy, joy, and joy times joy! My man is coming home! Yeah. I think they deserve it. What? Well, to be on Garden City, on Water, instead of Girltown. Yeah, I think they'll be happy there. I think he looks just so gorgeous in black. There's a little snack for you, Lexx. Tasty snack. Lexx! Lexx! Lexx! No! Kai! You gotta save me! I'm sorry Stanley, but I cannot. What do you mean, you can't? ! I do not float. DarkLight Resync: Xenzai[NEF] Hello! Hold still, Jack. Let the seamstress take your measurements. Well, I would, but she's gonna need a longer tape measure. Sleepwalking again, are we? Hey, what the hell do we need new clothes for, anyway? You got enough fabric in that boudoir of yours to carpet Manhattan. While your undergarments have likely petrified like a Neolithic fossil from overuse. Hey, stay out of my drawers, sister. And I mean that both ways. Excuse me, miss. Hmm? While you're down there, do a fellow a big favor, will you? You behave yourself. Polish my buttons. Hey, what's the plan today, anyway? Well, today's Saturday. I thought we might go to the market and purchase accessories for our new wardrobes. Oh, that could be fun, yeah. Or you could stick ice picks in my toenails. Oh, well, it's your choice. I'm game for either. Ancestors preserve us! (CROWD MURMURING IN SHOCK) What's the holdup here? This isn't the only funeral I've got today, you know. Ancestors preserve us, indeed. How could someone steal from the dead? A note! EMILIA: I'm certainly glad you agreed to go shopping with me, Jack. I do hope you're enjoying yourself. Are you kidding? This is hell on earth. How long do you have to stand there staring at something before you decide to buy it, for Pete's sake? Haven't you ever heard of the expression, "It's not where you go, it's how you get there?" Only once, on prom night. Keep the change. Thank you. Oh, see? You tip every garden-variety shopkeeper, but when old Jack needs a little advance on his paycheck, no, your purse clamps up like a nun at a sausage factory. Oh, it pains me to see you so wanting. I can see you're all broken up. You know, you should haggle with these people. Every time you pay more than you should, you raise the prices for the rest of us. I know how to haggle. I'm a good haggler. Says you. Says my bottom line. Hey, no need to talk dirty, sister. (PEOPLE SHOUTING) MAN: They've stolen from the dead! Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, partner. What's all the commotion? The mausoleum. A thief has desecrated the graves. The ancestors. It's horrible. Who would stoop to robbing the grave? That's the worst of it. He left a note. It was the Daring Dragoon. (SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Me? Stealing rings off a bunch of bony stiffs? No, obviously, the culprit is unaware of your respect for the dead. Don't start. My good reputation is being dragged through the mud. It is amazing how low people will go for a little spending cash. Yeah, six feet under in this case. If we're to clear your alter ego, we must catch the culprit in the act. You mean, we... Yes, Jack. We'll need to spend the night in the cemetery. Okay. Oh, good. Now all we have to do is wait to see who shows up. Say, do we both have to be here? You want me to sit here alone so I can clear your name? Would you? Don't tell me you're frightened of graveyards, Jack. No, not at all. Just the werewolves and vampires that feed here. (LAUGHING) It's no different than any other stakeout. Well, I hate stakeouts. We're in a cemetery, not a prison. Right. Sorry. Do you want to scare away the grave robber before we catch him? (LAUGHING) What are you doing? Eating a sandwich. Bite? Have you no respect for the dead? I didn't think they were hungry. See, that's what I thought. So tell me, Jack, what do you think happens to you after you've passed on? Well, your loved ones dress you in a monkey suit, stick you in a box, and cover you with dirt. Or they barbecue you and put you above the fireplace. Glad to see you're so well-versed in metaphysics. Why? What do you think happens? Well, despite your inelegant description, for once we are in agreement. I've found no evidence to suggest much of anything happens once one has passed on. Too bad. I was hoping to be reincarnated as Marie Antoinette's bar of soap. Your lurid perversions never cease to surface, Jack. Perhaps we should just focus on the matter at hand and keep quiet. Fine by me. (HOWLING IN THE DISTANCE) (MAN COUGHING) Jack, Jack, someone's here. Take a message. Jack! What? Okay, okay. (SIGHING) Well, that was a total bust, and I'm dead tired. Hilarious. We'll just have to keep coming back until we succeed. And what if the imposter never shows? Then you'll never sleep in your own bed again. Don't tease me. (MAN SCREAMING) The Dragoon has struck again. "If you don't meet my demands, there will be more desecration." I'm telling you, no one could have gotten past us. Unless it was the grave robber from beyond the grave. Really, Jack. Nothing could ever be more terrifying than waking up by your side. That's what they all say, at first. There must be another entrance into the crypt. But to be sure we catch this burglar of the deceased red-handed, we'll have to stake out the crypt from the inside this time. Well, how do you propose to do that? They clear out the mausoleum every evening, so the only people left inside after dark are D-E-D, dead. That's why I've developed this morphogenic serum. One sip of this will put me in a temporary coma so deep, everyone will believe I have expired. I believe your brain's expired. No, no. It's perfect. You see, they'll place me in the mausoleum. The serum will wear off, and I'll awaken, and catch the vandal in the act. And please tell me you're joking. Oh, Jack, you must learn to have more faith in the miracles of science. Provided I take the correct dosage, everything should go without a hitch. I can't let you do that. It's too dangerous. And on the bright side, if I'm wrong, I'll never have to hear you say "I told you so." No, no, no! Oh, it doesn't seem... Emilia? Jack, be good. A humanitarian, an entrepreneur, a grand intellect in the body of a god. But enough about me. Emilia Rothschild, until we meet again, I hope you're enjoying those tea and crumpets in the sky. (PEOPLE SOBBING) A lovely service, Jack. Thanks, I didn't even use my best material. BROGARD: What a world. When a beautiful creature such as Madame Rothschild is struck down, while the likes of Monsieur Stiles continues to slither about. What a pity it was not you who died instead of the fair Emilia. Well, I'm sure that's just the grief talking. Speaking of which, would you mind if I had one last moment alone with my former employer? Take as much time as you need. Masculinity need fear no grief. (SOBBING) I can't believe I let you do this. You better wake up soon. In fact, I'm not gonna let you out of my sight until you do. Talk about a jack-in-the-box. Jack? He has left. The grief was too much for him, no doubt. BROGARD: Emilia was the only one who could tolerate his insolence. Shall I have the casket sent to the grave now, Gouverneur? Emilia had such a free spirit, did she not? Let us honor that spirit and truly set her free. Cremate her at once. Uh-oh. (COUGHING) Well, I haven't been this screwed in a long time. Emilia, this would be a really good time to be undead. (GASPS) I've just had a miraculous experience. Well, I hope you have another one real quick because we're about to be hickory smoked! Where am I? What are you doing here? And what is that smell? Well, to cut a long story short, it's called cremation. Oh, my good Lord! I told you your plan was too dangerous! This isn't my plan! If you'd stuck to my plan, you'd be outside right now, saving me! Well, what do you think I'm trying to do? Oh, my good Lord, we're done, aren't we, Jack? No, I'd say we're about medium rare. It's all right, it's all right. There's nothing to be frightened of. Let's not die bickering. Let's die with dignity. Wait a minute, I got a better idea. (GRUNTING) Jack Stiles! Don't just lie there. Pump! Oh, death, come quickly! I'm trying to rock us out of this mess! Oh! Okay, ready? (BOTH GRUNTING) JACK: That's it. Pump it, baby. (COUGHING) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH COUGHING) (THUDDING) Well, I think we've found our Dragoon. It's Captain Brogard! (GASPS) Brogard. Your mission was successful, I presume. BROGARD: It seems the Dragoon has struck again, Gouverneur. Excellent. The Dragoon is quickly becoming the most unpopular man on Palau-Palau. Oui. Soon he will not even be able to swish his cape without being surrounded by enemies. What a pity Emilia is not here to toast with us. (WHISPERING) How sweet. Em, you should have heard me at your funeral. Not a dry eye in the house. Jack, when I was in a controlled coma, I saw it. Saw what? The universe in its totality as a single blinding light. Well, of course you saw a light, we were on fire. I pray the dead whose graves we have desecrated understand the necessity of what we have done. Gouverneur, I did not think of you as superstitious. Surely the dead do not care about a thing. CROQUE: Of course. I must stop perusing those silly novellas at night. Still, I will be very glad when all this is over. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, it's time for us to come back to life. (TRIUMPHANTLY EXCLAIMING) This time you've gone too far, Governor. I was wondering when you would grace me with your pestilence. But you see, I have been expecting you. Capitaine! BROGARD: Gouverneur? It seems we are learning to predict the maneuvers of this masked weasel. Masked weasel? Up yours. Execute him at once. Seize him. (LAUGHING) Okay, okay. (LAUGHING) Imagine my surprise! Now you're in a bind. BROGARD: After him! (SOLDIER RESPONDING IN FRENCH) (SCREAMING) Excellent. (SHOUTING IN FRENCH) Kill him! (LAUGHING) Ouch. SOLDIER: Come on! Nowhere to run, Dragoon. A dead end, my friend. I will miss our little game of chess. Not as smart as we thought, eh, monsieur? The real question is, did you chase me here? Or did I lead you here? (LAUGHING) Why would you purposefully lead us into a dead end? What better place to raise the dead? (LAUGHING) Nonsense. The rumors of your prowess are nothing but local folklore. (LAUGHING) Correct? Don't say I didn't warn you. Behold! (SCREAMING) Who shall I raise next, your mother? No! Please! Dragoon! Tell them we are sorry. Tell them we meant no disrespect. (STUTTERING) Tell them I will do anything. There is only one way to forgiveness. You must cease your desecrations. Say something. Oui. Promise. And make restitution to the families of the dead. Restitution, yes. And the Dragoon's name must be cleared. Oh, very well. If you fail, I will eat your brain! Oh, no, please! (BOTH WHIMPERING) I beg you. Spare us. (LAUGHING) Where are you? A miraculous recovery, Emilia, my dear. The Daring Dragoon must have drugged me with a compound capable of simulating death, all for his own evil purposes. Pardon me. I wish I could remember. Perhaps it is better that you do not. Emilia, you missed the big news. Really? Yeah, they caught the vandal who was desecrating the graves. Turns out it wasn't the Daring Dragoon after all. No? No, no, it was Brogard... Uh, one of his men. Isn't that right, Brogard? Come, Brogard, we are late for confession. Em, I gotta tell you, you are one crazy woman. We were lucky to survive that little stunt. I really did see something, Jack. I'm not sure there isn't more to life than life anymore. Yeah, well, if you start passing out literature at breakfast, I'm moving out. Fair enough. Hey, what do you say we blow this dump and get some barbecued ribs in honor of today's events? Why not? Let's go where the spirits move us. After you. I've heard of a shotgun wedding, but this is ridiculous. Hold still! (BANGING) Oh, my God! What's that? David must be having trouble with his cufflinks. They're very fiddly and I haven't clipped his nails yet. (ROARING) Now, that's the something borrowed. For something new, you've got your new hair-do. Over here, we've brought you someone old. - Shouldn't that be something old? - Oh, dear. Does that mean...? Here we go, Tubbs. Someone blue. (ANGRY SHOUTING) You'll have to talk to them, sir. Fuck off! People are dying. They want answers. Bollocks! Send Juliet Bravo down. I'm staying put. We've had a tip-off about who might be behind it. I'm sending officers to investigate. Get these bastards off my back. What we need is a little "divertissement". What's she say? Somebody to take their minds off it. Alice? Yeah. What was the name of that theatre company come here last year? Legz Akimbo. We're actors! We demand to be let through. Just drive into them, Dave. They can't stop theatre. Good girl, Heinz. Well done. Ready for the off, eh? That wing's fixed up nicely, ain't it, veterinary? Yes. Any voles or mice out there in the field had better watch out. She's as right as ninepence. I know you two have become rather attached, John. It's only fitting that you be the one to give Heinz her freedom. Now, I've given her an extra long leash. A bit longer than regulations allow, but I thought I'd let her feel the wind beneath her wings. I'll just call the sanctuary. Get the all-clear for the release. Well, this is it, lass. I'm going to miss you. You've been a right good friend. Hello, Jean. No, it's all going swimmingly. He's here. Do you want a word? (CRACKLING) What? Yes. Yes, I think we will have trouble separating them. Iris! Hello, Mrs Levinson. What a lovely surprise. I wanted to remind you to come round and wash the bedding. Yes, Mrs L. Now, do you have retsina, Iris? No, I'm just tired. Never mind. I only popped in for a few essentials. My cabinet's become oddly depleted of late. Not the usual, mind, rather the stuff at the back. Cooking sherry, banana Bols, - even that Advocaat Eddy bought. - No? It's a shame that not everyone is as discerning as Eddy and I. I don't know what you mean, Mrs Levinson. I've seen some of the people on your estate staggering around the car park at the Chained Bull, half-cut, with their skirts tucked in their knickers. Girls just want to have fun. It's a slippery slope. Diamond White for breakfast, making a pass at your son's best friend, waking up with a lorry driver from Wetherby. Halifax. Before you know it, you're slumped by the war memorial in a pool of your own pee, singing Lady Marmalade. Never thinking your employer might be passing on her way to the sauna. £32.50 please. And you won't forget to hang the bedding out to dry, will you? Three sheets to the wind's your speciality. Yes, Mrs Levinson. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS: MAHLER'S FIFTH SYMPHONY) You must understand. My feelings for you haven't changed since the day we met. But I can't stay. (ANGRY SHOUTING) Not now. You'll be all right, won't you? - He's gone! - This lock's been forced. - We must find him, Harvey. - He can't have gone far. I'm sure that... Oh! I don't like this, Harvey. I must clean it up, Val! I must! (DIN OF CROAKING) What fresh hell is this? Good afternoon. - Benjamin...? - What are you doing? I might ask you the same question. - Give that to me! - Ah ah! Damn! Hoist by my own pet toads! Why are you doing this? Your plan, to keep me here as some kind of pet. Where's your evidence? Is this true, Harvey? The boy would have been happy here. He has everything a growing boy requires. You're insane. And I've got you now just where I want you. Don't move, Benjamin, or you're a dead man. - All clear upstairs, dear? - All clear. All locked up. When are you next in, dear? Thursday? - I don't do Thursdays. - Don't do Thursdays? No. I'm away on Thursdays. That Merrill does Thursdays. - Not Merrill? - She never does the book. No. I'm forever doing the book on Friday. Merrill was with the Spastics, you know? - She wasn't? - Three years with them. I know Sue Ryder wouldn't... Oh, no! We're closed, dear! We're closing. It's too dangerous. - I've come to collect a bag. - When did you buy it, dear? - I think it was on Thursday. - Thursday? That Merrill! The lady that served you - did she have a lazy eye? Shrivelled up? Milky? - She might have. - She did. She said she'd keep it behind the counter. What? Down here, is it? You see, we won't work Thursdays, dear. We're "ill" on Thursdays. - Is this it, dear? - Yes. This is the bag. I'll put it in the book. That Merrill! I'll go and fetch you a bag for it. There's a bag in it. There's a bag in the bag. That Merrill's put a bag in the bag to take the bag out in. Will it fit? It makes me sick. - She won't put the bag in the book! - That Merrill! - I'm not bothered about the bag. - You've paid for it. I'll take the leather bag, but I'm not bothered about this bag. - Which bag do you want? - No, dear. She's bought this bag. - She doesn't want this bag. - No need to be rude. - I'm not being rude, dear. - You are. - I'm not. - I'll just take this bag. £4, please. - I paid the other lady. - Have you got £4? Not me, dear. Merrill! It's not in the book! - Just put one leather bag. - Leather bag. - Thursday. - Thursday. - £4. - £4. - That Merrill. - She makes me sick. Have you found out what it is yet? Right. Now for the husband. Maurice Evans! Open up! It's the police! Mr Evans? Go! Mr Briss! Hilary Briss! What about the wife? Go! Mrs Briss? Repeat after me. I, Barbara Dixon. I, Barbara Dixon. Take thee, David Charles Tattsyrup. Take thee, Charles... David Tattsyrup. To be my local wedded husband. To be my local wedded husband. To have in the shop. To have in the shop. For ever and ever and ever. For ever and ever and ever. David... Repeat after me. I, David Charles Tattsyrup. (GROWLING) I'm waiting for silence. Thanks. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and we've been invited here to cheer you all up by doing some "community theatre". Now, what's community theatre? Well, you lot are the community - or you were until you started dying - and we are the theatre. So community...theatre. The play we're going to perform for you is called No Home For Johnny, and it's for and about you lot. Homeless...ness. - Phil. - Yeah. Before we start the play, we're going to do some hot-seating. This is the hot seat. Sorry. Er, cougher's union? Do you want to do that outside? We've got a contract, and if you speak or you cough, you sort of break the contract, so don't. - Sorry, Phil. - We're doing some hot-seating. We plonk a character in the hot seat and you can ask him questions about his life. I'm going to ask Dave to choose a character from the play. - Which one? - Any. They're all the same. - Ollie! - They're of a type. Try Hobo Two. - I'm Hobo One. - Whatever. In your own time. Any questions? - Phil? - What's your name? - Hobo Two. - One. One. One. Where do you live? - Nowhere. - Where do you want to live? House. Have you thought about putting your name on a housing list or contacting the council for shelter schemes? OK. Break it there. Good, Dave. So you've met the actors, the writer, director, producer - founder member of Legz Akimbo - me! Now we're going to take a short break. I know you're starving, so I'll let you get your free soup and we'll be back later with No Home For Johnny... Oh, drop dead! - Go, Benjamin. - Leave us in peace. - Thanks for having me. - Go. - Well done, girls. - You saved us. - May I ask a question? - Of course. What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch? A frog in a liquidiser. Wrong! A toad. Piss off, you set of bastards! - You're keeping Tony waiting. - All right. I'm coming. - He's your frigging son-in-law. - Not yet, he isn't. - All right, Tony? - Cheers. I believe you went to see our Julie today. Yes, she's a lot better. She should be home by the end of the week. All right, Tony? Whose go is it? It's Charlie's turn to ask us a question. Come on. Should have brought his glasses. I'm not the one that needs glasses, Tony! She is! Right. Getting married to him, I must have been blind! - Ha ha! - Hee hee (! ) - Yellow. Ancient history. - Charlie. What is the world's oldest known vegetable? - Oh, that is Charlie! - No. The answer is potato. My go. - We haven't answered yet. - Pink, please. - No. Cheat. - She said the answer, referee. - He can't stand us winning him. - Pink? Yeah. - Who is known as...? - Is this for a bit of pie? - It's cheese. - It's pie. - It's cheese, Stella. - Is it cheese or pie, referee? - It's an ordinary question. - Come on. Who is known as "the little tramp"? Don't you dare, Charlie. Eee, I know this one an' all. - Um... - Five... - Shut up! - No. Four, three... - Two, one! Time's up! - No. The answer is Charlie Chaplin. - No. Fatima Whitbread. - That's orange, you blind bitch! - I haven't got me glasses. - I thought you didn't need glasses. No, Charlie. It's you I don't need! - Tony, this is for a piece of pie. - I'll make it really hard, then. Where have we heard that before? Look. All the blood's rushed to his head. - Stella. - Only place it does rush to. All right. Here's your question, you stupid twat! Charlie! - It's all right, Tony. - It's only a bloody game! Like being married to him. Trivial Pursuits! Do you want your question, Stella? - Is it for pie? - No, it's for me. Tell him yes, referee. Yes. Stella. Do you still love me? That's too easy, Charlie. Ask me another. - I've had enough of this. - No! He wants to ask me a question. - Don't, Stella! - Why don't you ask me? Ask me! All right. I'll ask it myself. Stella, have you slept with other men? I can't answer that one, Charlie. Ask Tony. He might know the answer to that one. Ask Tony! Five, four, three, two, one! We win! I hate this game! We still play it though, don't we, Stella? - Charlie, I... - Get out. And so... Was it him, then? Who? - Charlie Chaplin. - Er, yeah. Yes! - So, all set for the off? - Ja, ja. I'm sorry Justin isn't here to say goodbye. I don't know where he is. That's all right. I was just the same in my teens ages. Boys will be boys. Well, I'll just try and phone the council. - Make sure the roads are all clear. - Alles klar. I'll wait here, ja? Ja. (HEAVY BREATHING) See you next year, Justin. Just! I love my little soaps, Iris. Eden Au Lac, Montreux, the Inn in Mystic, the Dan in Haifa. Do you ever collect souvenirs of your travels? Well, I once nicked some fanny rag bags from Primrose Valley. They reminds me of all the pleasures that Eddy and I have had from holidays over the years. If your Ron hadn't spent so much time at Her Majesty's pleasure, you may have put away a bit more. Stealing knickers from washbaskets? It were a mix-up at the laundry. Remember when your mum needed help being put to bed? No one expected Ron to jump in after her. He said he just wanted a cuddle. He's not a sophisticated man. - He looks like a shaved monkey. - Mrs Levinson! I imagine him in a cage, swinging in a tyre, chucking shit on the wall! Least my husband's still alive. Take that back! Yeah. My husband's alive, unlike some people's I could mention. Iris! Mr Eddy Levinson, king of the carpet warehouses. Bought one desanctified church too many. Iris, don't. Bankrupt, health ruined, dead of a heart attack at 42. You're not playing fair! Pretending he's down the warehouse when he's been stiff 20 years. Foreign holidays! You check in at the Royston Vasey Stakis for a fortnight. Your bikini's not been out since the Winter of Discontent! Stop it! Lording it over all and sundry. Thinking you're summat when you're nowt. You deluded dried-up old witch! With hot flushes and nothing but a buzzing Phillips Ladyshave between your legs to keep you company on a cold winter's night. I pity you, lady. Where does this leave us? Three all, I think. Oh, Mum! There, there, flower. I'm not sure this is a good idea, Ollie. The Mayor looks like he's enjoying it. This play's aimed at primary school children. There's no age limit on dealing with issues, Dave. Me mummy and daddy died when I was a little boy, so I had to go and stay with my bad uncle. He used to come home and burn the soles of me feet with cigarettes. One day I decided enough was enough, so I ran away to London. Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding ding! Mind the gap! Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors! Mind the gap! Taxi! Stop, thief! - I haven't got time. - I don't have change. Very soon I found meself dossing on the streets or in shop doorways. It's not a bad life. You get to know who your friends are. Most of mine are dead. I don't give money to the homeless. They spend it on drugs and alcohol. We get this a lot. I don't take drugs, and I only drink at New Year - although I don't know what I'm celebrating. I saw a programme that said 99% of homeless enjoy it on the streets, prefer life like that. I don't know what you've been watching, but I know where I'd rather be at night - tucked up in bed with a cup of hot chocolate, not freezing on a park bench with just the newspaper to keep us warm. Come winter... you ask any homeless person. No one wants to be on the streets. You're fired. I ain't had a smoke in ages, or food. That's normal. Sometimes we die of starvation. Nobody cares. People need to see the magnitude of the problem. Gi'e us a swig. Leave me alone. I'm going before this place turns ugly. Spare any change, please, guv? There he is. Let's get him! Spare any change, please, guv? Mind the costumes! They've got to go back tomorrow! Thanks! (ANGRY SHOUTING) I'll give you a nosebleed, mate! I will not lie to you. In all honesty, in the sight of God! This epidemic is over. There are no more - I repeat, no more - nosebleeds. - What's going on? - The Mayor is dead. - How? - A nosebleed. You can't die of a nosebleed! I don't understand. The epidemic. Where have you been? Wait! Oh, my God! There it is! Thank you very much. Most kind. Goodbye. It's all gone very quiet, Edward. I wonder how they're getting on. Come away, Tubbs. Leave the young couple in peace. Nature will take its course. Well, no one touched any of the dips. In the excitement of the honeymoon, a man has an appetite for things other than food. Do you remember our wedding night, Edward? Yes. We closed the shop, danced naked in the moonlight, and you gave me one of those... What was it called? Precious thing. And you know, Tubbs, what thing has been most precious to me, don't you? Yes. - The shop. - Yes. I hope David and Barbara will be as happy here as we've been. Well, it's their shop now. What the...? (ANGRY SHOUTING) What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here. Barbara, come down, it's dangerous! What are you on about? - They've been poisoning us! - What? Don't touch his meat! Bit late for that. Hang on, I'm coming down. - What do they want with us? - I don't know, Tubbs. The sale doesn't start till Wednesday. Murderers! Murderers! Barbara, who are these people? Don't worry. Just a bit of trouble with the locals. What are you lot doing here? What the bloody hell's going on? Barbara, what's happened? Nothing yet. This is meant to be my honeymoon. What's that? - It's a monster! - Excuse me! That's my husband! Burn them! Burn them! Darling! - Darling, don't leave me! - It's too late. Edward, why are they doing this to us? I don't know, Tubbs. We've done nothing to them! - We've got to get out. - No. They'll tear us to pieces! - I can't! - Tubbs! We belong local. Come. Edward? Will Heaven be like Swansea? Yes, Tubbs. Only bigger. (HERR LIPP) Oh, look. A bonfire in Royston Vasey. Real gut. There's a 503 on the corner of Wilshire and Vermont, Owner says he spotted his auto two blocks around location, One Mary 20, do you have a name? - Where? - There, detective. It's the same guy. This makes three. He's just getting started. It's the city of dreams. A mystical oasis willed from a desert. But even sunny, blond L.A. has its trashy, dark roots. And you've learned that the hard way. You've talked to the police, but they can't help, so you've come to us. I think it's about to speak. Nobody likes a smart-ass rogue demon hunter. What do you want, Wesley? Just thought we might compare battle plans from our respective fronts. I thought you worked alone. Even a solitary soldier such as myself recognizes that an exchange of intelligence benefits the common struggle. - I brought in your mail and newspaper. - Oh, thanks. - So, what have you got? - Got? You wanted to compare skinnies on evil. Yes, skinnies. Precisely. Right. Well everything seems quiet. Okay. Well, thanks for stopping by. And you? How's your end of the fight? I'm selling to an empty chair. What do you think? Quiet all around then. Well, I'll keep myself available. The situation can only escalate. We made a most effective team. Vanquishing that empathy demon in short order. Nobody gouged out my eyes, so I'm happy. Yes, most effective. Your cryptic visions. Angel's brawn. My highly developed powers of deduction-- - This isn't our mail. - Sorry? See here? The dentist office next door. Oh, I see. I didn't realize. Something wrong? You stopped yammering. I suppose I should return these items to their proper owner. - Who were you talking to? - Nobody. And Wesley. Remember that license plate we got on that runaway case? You were gonna follow up. No go. The DMV's stalker-phobic and-- Wow, you look half dead. Which, for someone who's completely dead, would be kind of neat? License plate, Cordelia? I thought you could have Police Woman run it for us on the QT. - Kate. - Are you sure you're okay? For a guy who's 200-plus, you're not usually with the bags. - I'll do this now. - Hey! Look, I'm fine, Cordelia, all right? All right. I'll take the tunnels. I'm not supposed to release that information to a civilian. I know. - If it were anyone else. - I appreciate it, Kate. I know you do. So I don't mind. - I'll run it myself by morning. - No rush. Late afternoon. Evening will be fine. I won't mind getting my head out of this case. - Even for a minute. - Tough one? The first victim, Reggie Sparks, volunteered as a crossing guard. Jinny Markem, just started 10th grade. And Jessica Halpren, 25, worked as a waitress. Do you know what they have in common? What he did to them. That's all. That's not all. They have you. - The crime scene photos you wanted. - Thanks. Stop by tomorrow. By then, I'll have invaded a citizen's privacy for you-- It's pretty grim. I've spent the last 48 hours creating a profile. Being inside this guy's head hasn't been a whole lot of fun. Tabloids call him "The Pope." Probably thinks he's doing God's work. No. Just the opposite. This is about mocking God. That's my guess. - Detective, they're ready for you now. - Yeah, okay. Looks like it's show- -time. Our suspect will be a white male. To the observer he won't seem a monster. His victims put up little struggle, so he's likely charming, attractive. At his core, he's a loner. Possibly a dual personality who, once the crime's done retains no memory of the act, He doesn't see his victims as subhuman but himself as more than human. A superior species. Stalking his prey, getting to know them. He's likely unmarried though he may have recently ended a long-term relationship badly. We look for a precipitating event in these cases. A painful breakup is always at the top of our list. Before failing, the relationship may have marked an inactive period in his life, He would've regarded it as a lifeline, his salvation, But once ended, resulted in his recidivism, What's not in question is his experience, He's been doing this for a very long time and he will do it again, Jeez, Wesley. Hover much? - Where is he? Where's Angel? - Not here. - What's that? - What it looks like. It's rude coming into a vampire's office with one of those. - Could be misinterpreted. - You recall this morning that mix-up with the dentist's mail and newspaper? That's when I saw this. Oh, my God. You cut up Dr. Folger's newspaper? - You'll get us kicked out of here. - What? No, the clipping. "Third Body Found in Alley." Not exactly front-page news. That is the front page. Still, note the modus operandi. - Mutilation with the religious icon? - I'm against it? I think you'd better sit down. During my duties as Watcher in Sunnydale, I did extensive research. Specifically on Angel, given his uncomfortable proximity to the Slayer. He looked comfortable to me. When I saw this story, it rang chillingly familiar. So I reacquainted myself with facts. Confirming, I' m sorry to say, my grim suspicions. In the 1700s, it was Angelus' custom to sign his victims by carving a Christian cross into their left cheek to let people know he'd been there. Okay. You get to leave now. You're not gonna accuse Angel like this. - Cordelia-- - No! I don't care how many files you have on the things he did back in the powdered-wig days. He is good now. He's my friend. And nothing you can say will make me turn on a friend. - Cordelia. He's right. - You stake him, I'll cut his head off. Come no closer. I won't hurt you. That what you told Miss Third Body Found in Alley? Why should we believe you? Because I could take you if I wanted to. We're listening. I don't remember doing these things. Not exactly the confidence-inspiring denial I was looking for. - I've been having dreams. - Dreams? Killing dreams. Always the same. I stalk them, toy with them, mark them while they're alive. Before they can die from fear, I feed on them. So you've had nightmares. It doesn't mean you-- They're not nightmares. I've enjoyed them. Oh. You fear it may be more than dreams. An acting-out in a hypnogogic state. - Hypno-what-gic? - Sleepwalking. Vampires can't sleepwalk. He steps out the door, and he'd be in flames. Unless it were happening in the pre-dawn hours. Which is when all these murders took place. There's only one way to be sure. - You've got to make it tight. - Like I need instructions from you. My glamorous life. I make coffee and chain the boss to the bed. - Gotta join a union. - It's tight enough. If it turns out we're back on a liquid lunch? Better safe than cocktails. All we can do now is wait. Yeah. Maybe you're committing horrible crimes in your dreams. But I don't want to stay for your nocturnal commissions. - I understand. - Okay. Well, pleasant- - I mean, sleep tight. That's pretty much a given. There now. Isn't that better? Wakey-wakey. - We made it. - Great news, sports fans. There's been another killing. Maybe not-so-great news for the dead person but at least now we know Mr. I'm So Tortured didn't do it. Yes, I did. There now. Isn't that better? Better. First kill. Aptly done. - Strange. She was my sister. - Yet you feel nothing. No. - I feel hungry. - You do learn quickly. And my father would disagree. It's time you shared with him what a fine student you've become. My father. Yes. - They'll be eating dinner. - A feast! Excellent. When you're invited, savor it, Penn. You won't recapture it. Family blood is always the sweetest. - I taught him well. - A real Psycho Wan Kenobi. Two hundred years' practice. I imagine he's got it down by now. Gallagher's changed his act more times than he has in the last two centuries. - Why is he doing the same old shtick? - It's a classic, isn't it? Every time he smashes that watermelon with the sledgehammer-- I don't know why. You suppose he's trying to draw you out? That he knows you're here? That might explain the dreams. I have a connection with those I sire. It means he's close. Neat. We can't find him and the cops stand zero chance of stopping him. - Kate. - What are you doing? - She's no idea what she's up against. - You're not going to tell her. You can't walk into a precinct with knowledge of these murders and claim a 200-year-old Puritan's responsible. You'd be locked up faster than Lady Hamilton's virtue. - My apologies. - I don't know what that meant. She's good. She has resources we don't. - Eventually, she'll find him. - Bad for her. Or good for us. Hey. I have the info on your license plate. Are you okay? Not that the "brooding man of mystery" thing doesn't work. It does. A lot. - Can we talk somewhere in private? - Sure. Of course. What is it? - How's the investigation? - It's nowhere. Some inconsiderate serial killers often fail to leave us any clues. - He's reliving it. - What's going on? - It's complicated. - So make it simple. - Kate, do you trust me? - You know I do. Trust me when I tell you this is the man you're looking for. - Where did you get that? - Do you trust me? I don't get it. Are you protecting a source? Yes. I trust you. His next victim will be a teen white male from a low-rent neighborhood. Probably near a bar or a liquor store. He'll kill him unless you use every resource to make sure he's not successful. - You told her everything? - Just enough to get her killed. We'll make sure that won't happen. Once you hook this up, she finds something, we'll know. - Where'd you get the radio? - Police car. Oh, dear. Let's add patrols here and here. Anything matching the profile gets reported. Okay. Mitchell, you'll ride with me. Could you buy me some beer? - Take a hike. - I left my I.D. at home-- Wipe. Ma'am, can you possibly pick me up some beer? It's for my mother. Are you old enough to buy beer? You sure about this? There's no discount liquor store here. - You remind me of a brother I had. - Whatever. We're going nowhere here. You! Right there! All units, backup requested at 3336 Channel Avenue, Use caution, homicide suspect believed to be at location, Search teams are on their way. He went in through there. Exits are sealed. We'll find him. - Watch your backs. - We got him. I'm going in. Meet you back here. Don't move! Do not move. I will fire! Ouch. Angelus? Angelus. - My God. It's been a lifetime. - At least. - We were to meet in Italy. - I remember. Hell, I waited till the 19th century. What happened? - Got held up in Romania. - Romania? - What's in Romania? - Gypsies. - Request assistance. - Join me for a drink. - That's not why I'm here. - Request assistance. Suspect sighted. Yes. Why are you here? - To kill you. - Detective Lockley, Go, Kate! Get out of here! Go! You know its name? Angelus, what's happened to you? - People change. - We're not people. Where are you? I shot him three times. I know I did. Then he got up. If I pull this trigger, will you get up too? - What are you? - You know the answer. A detail's been left out of the press reports. Something you've held back. Isn't that right? - What do you know? - The puncture wounds. The victims were all drained of their blood, right? Should I trust you more or less now? - You're not gonna stop him. - What do you mean? It'll take sunlight, decapitation, or a stake through the heart. - Children's stories. - It's the truth. No. I don't believe you. Even after what you saw, you won't let yourself. So you'll lose. - I've heard enough. - You haven't heard a word. And you won't. Not now, not yet. Because there are some things you're not ready to face. Here's everything with the M.O., dating back as far as I could find. Thanks, Chris. So you think this guy's a copycat, a history buff? Something like that. So you've discovered the seamy underbelly of a candy-coated America. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Angel Investigations we won't judge, but we will charge. Tell me how you heard of us. - From the police. - Really? Yes. The detective I spoke with was very enthusiastic. For the truly human touch, she said that I should come to you. Oh, good. Is it cold out? I'm trying to remember her name. What was it? She's about yea tall, attractive, natural blond. - Oh, yeah, Kate. Detective Lockley. - Lockley. Yes, that's it. She and Angel are tight. Really? So this is more than just a professional relationship? He cares for her. Yeah. More than he knows. But that's our Angel dour, but not afraid to get personally involved in his work and you're pumping me for information, aren't you? Oh, crap. You're him. He. The guy. Apt pupil boy. You realize you'll never make it to the exit before I-- Go up like a match? Well.... He's back from his Up with People meeting. - Get me a stake. - It's 8 in the morning. Oh, you mean like- - Okay. What? You don't drink, so now no one gets to? I don't expect you to understand. I understand. I was a Puritan, remember? - It's gotta end. - Why? Because you say so? Yeah, how does that work, exactly? You wake up one morning and decide, "Okay, now I'm good!" No, Angelus. It doesn't end. It never ever ends. It just goes on and on. That's not the only thing that goes on and on. Here. Dust him. I'm sorry what I turned you into. A first-class killer? An artist? A bold reinterpreter of the form? Try "cheesy hack." You've been getting back at your father for over 200 years. It's pathetic. You've probably got a killer's shrine on your wall. News clippings, magazine articles, maybe a few candles. Oh, you are so prosaic. Nothing about a new vampire in town-- Maybe because he's here and has me by the throat. - Let him go. - You're right. My work was getting stale. I appreciate the critique. So look for something new, innovative. Something shockingly original. Think of the worst possible thing you can imagine, and I'll see you there. Hi. Can I come in? Oh, that's right, you have to be invited in. - You've been doing your homework. - Quiz me. I'm full of fun facts. Your friend was in L.A. before. Did you know that? Yeah. At least twice. Once in 1929 and again in 1963. Oh, and there was something in Boston in 19O8. I think he was there too. - So you believe me. - Yes, I believe you. - He's planning-- - Angelus. Isn't that what he called you? I looked it up. It's all right there. The demon with the face of an angel. A particularly brutal bastard by all accounts. - And, no, you can't come in. - I can't make up for the past. No, you can't. In fact, what's happening now is really because of you. You made him, didn't you? Let me help end it, please. "Please." There's a word I imagine you heard a lot of in your time. Please. No. Don't. Thanks, but I don't need your help. I know what to do. Drive a stake right through his heart. When that happens, I suggest you don't be there because I'll do the same to you. Here it is. Los Angeles Globe, 1929. "The suspect seemed like a quiet, normal type. The search is ongoing." - What are we looking for exactly? - I don't know yet. "In 1963, police tracked the killer to a residential hotel called the Cloverwood Apartments. By the time they made their move, he'd already fled." They never caught him. It's the same place. New name and a face-lift. - That's happened before in this town. - Good old predictable Penn. - I invite you in. - That's only for humans. Breaking and entering a vampire's lair isn't a problem. Right. He's not here. So then we wait? Raid the icebox and try to think of the worst possible thing we can imagine? Stop imagining. Good Lord. All those schoolchildren. He's finally changing his act. All right, listen up. You've all received one of these. This is the man we're looking for. And this man is how we're going to find him. His name is Angel. He's a private detective. Our suspect may make an attempt to contact Angel, possibly as his next target. So we'll stake out Angel's place. How many men do you want? - Lots. We'll work in rotating teams-- - This is a terrible likeness. The mouth. It's all wrong. No! Attention, all units.... We're in. What about the schoolchildren? Shouldn't we be--? Stop! Stop! Hold it right there. He's here. Twelfth Street Station House, Secure area, use caution, - What are you gonna do? - I thought I'd stop everything and tell you my plan. But better yet why don't I just show you? Smell that fear. It makes the blood sweeter. - You know who taught me that? - I'm not afraid to die. Oh, I'm not going to kill you. But when I'm finished, Angel will. A bus full of schoolchildren, Penn? You really thought I was gonna fall for that? - Well, you could have. - No. Too original. You were right about one thing, Angelus. The last 200 years has been about me sticking it to my father. But I've come to realize something. It's you. You made me! You taught me! You approved of me in ways my mortal father never did! - You're my real father, Angelus. - Fine! You're grounded. You forget your own lessons, teacher. Never give up the advantage, remember? Living among them has made you weak! It sickens me to think that there was a time you would've done whatever was necessary. - You missed. - No, I didn't. This vein on my temple is doing the cha-cha because I just had one of those bone-crunching, mind-splitting vision headaches. New job. This place is like where I grew up. Right. Yeah, I could see that except for the cars, the buildings and the, you know, everything else. It's not so different. People moving through their lives. I wonder if anything changes. Sure it does. They do. You have. They were just dreams. They weren't even yours. It didn't mean anything. But I enjoyed it. It'd probably be okay if you never mentioned that part ever again. It's still in me. Sure it's in you. We all have something. But it's not the only thing that's in you. You're not him, Angel. Not anymore. The name I got in my vision-- The message didn't come for Angelus. It came for you, Angel. And you have to trust that whoever The Powers That Be, be-- Are. Is. Anyway, they know the difference. - Yeah. - People really do change. Yes, they do. And sometimes they change back. - If the day ever comes that I-- - Oh, I'll kill you. Thanks. What are friends for? [waves] [swings creaking] [shutter banging] [child laughing] [footsteps] [flame sizzling] Man, what a downpour! Uh oh, everything's soaked. Hey, anybody here? Just follow the muddy footprints. Oh, nice weather... if you're a dolphin. I wouldn't sit there, unless you want to go for a swim, Flipper. Oh, right. Try the ground, it's drier. Hi guys! It's pretty icky out. Icky? Why are you guys sitting on the ground? Cuz the furniture is like... liquid. I still wouldn't sit there. Why not? Duh! Do you know how many things live in the ground? Worms, slugs, bugs... none of them are pretty. So? They won't hurt you. Ah, I wouldn't be too sure about that. My story's about that very thing. It's about what you can't see... just under the ground. Who knows what you're stepping on? Who knows if the very next step you take is onto something that DOESN'T want to be stepped on... that has the power... to step BACK on you! Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society. I call this story... Look, a full moon! Not quite. Probably tomorrow night. Whatever. It's still romantic. Look at how your ring shines in the moonlight. Cool. Did you know John gave Liz his varsity ring yesterday? Yeah, I heard. It seems like everybody's hooking up. Well, almost everybody. Whoa! Check it out! Did you see that? Ah, it was probably a shooting star. You should make a wish. That was no shooting star, that was a... I don't know what that was. Well, if it were a shooting star, you know what I'd wish for? I'm sorry, did you say something? Ah, forget it. Julie...! What's the problem? Julie's great! I know! But being exclusive is so... final. Second only to death. Don't be a fool, man. It's not like you've got other girls throwing themselves at you. Hi. Can I sit with you? Or at least not usually. You wanna sit here? I don't bite. Uhh, yeah, of course. Um, I'm Jake. My name's Ellen. I just transferred in. Hi Ellen! My name's... I bet you play football. Uh, yeah! I'm varsity quarterback. Ah, I knew it! Is there any chance of getting the varsity quarterback to show me around my new school? I mean, if you're available. Me? Well sure I... He's not available. Hi, I'm... Leaving? Great, thanks for saving my seat. Sure. I sort of lost my appetite anyway. See ya later Jake. Bye Ellen! What rock did she crawl out from under? You are not making points here. Hi! You scared me. Sorry. What are you doing? Looking up UFOs. I saw this weird light in the sky last night. Nice ring. Thanks, I found the stone on the beach. It's beautiful. Can I try it on? Uhh, yeah, sure. Jake! Julie, hi, I was just... We've got Spanish. Spanish. Right. I'm comin'. I gotta go. Wait! I was, huh, hoping that you could give me a... a computer lesson, today, after school. Because I'm really lost with all this stuff. Uh, well sure, I guess but, school closes up after class. Oh. Well, do you have a computer at home? Like at my house? Yeah. Then let's do it there! Okay. That'd be cool. After school, today, you and me. Bye. Hi! She's totally strange. Who? Your new "friend" whats-her-name. I watched her on the football field for over an hour. She was measuring and digging like a, like a... well I don't know what it was like, but it was weird. You spied on her for an hour and she's weird? I don't know... You and I need to talk. What are you doing after school? Nuthin'. We can... uh... ah, hum... I can't, I've got way too much homework. Since when do you do homework? [bell rings] I gotta fly. Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! I am so outta here. Hello! -Hi! Ready? Okay! Let's go! I checked registration. There's no record of any new transfers. She's not even a student here. Break time, I'm starving. Me too. My dad made me some sandwiches. In-coming! What's a matter? It's PB and J. Sorry I'm, uh, allergic. Could you get rid of that please? Sorry. No problemo. You, huh, want something else? No thanks. Something to drink? Mmmmm. You OK? I'm fine. But it's getting late. Can you take me home? Yeah, okay. I'll go get my keys. You huh, live in the woods? What're you doing? Jake, I know you have a steady girlfriend and everything. Well, she's not exactly steady... And I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to. Like what? Well, it's just that you're so cute I could eat you up. Yeah? I mean, I think you're pretty cute too and all but... Jake, I'd really love to be your girlfriend... and wear your ring. Will life always be this cool? Let me try it on. Wait. I think you're great, but I have a girlfriend. I mean, I like you, but I couldn't do that to Julie. I can't change your mind? I'm sorry. OK then, here we go. Hey, the car door just locked! I know. But neither of us...? Now give me that ring. Aaaaaaaaaahh... Aaaahhh... Shhh. It's OK, I'm not gonna hurt you. Just promise not to scream and I'll move my hand. Okay? I'm sorry I scared you, but you left me no choice. Who are you? What are you? You remember that light you saw in the sky? Yeah that was... that was you? I'm not from here, Jake. I really don't look like this, I'm much prettier in my regular form. Oh, yeah! With bug eyes and 6 foot arms? That is not regular. For ME it is. Can I please get up? Promise not to run away? I swear. Please don't try that again. What do you want from me? I need your help. "Flesh eating bacteria strikes again." It's not bacteria. It's a parasite that travels from planet to planet, eating everything in it's path. Like locusts. This stuff is from another planet? My partner and I are the only survivors from my planet. Those parasites they ate everything, and everyone. It was horrible. So why did you follow them here? To try to stop them before they destroy earth, the way they destroyed my home and... to find a new home. So you're telling me you're like a lizard-girl from outer space on a mission to destroy a band of intergalactic flesh eating parasites that wanna earth and then make this your home? That's about it. Cool. So why'd you pick me? 'Cause I'm like, a trained athlete? Well... no. Whoa! That was my partner's. We need them both to destroy the locusts. What happened to your partner? You found that on the beach... he must have crashed in the ocean. I'm sorry. So the only reason you wanted to go out with me was to get my ring, not because you think I'm cute? Sorry. You're not really my type. You're way too... human. That's too bad... I think. Hey! -Aaah! It's okay! I can explain... I think. She... she's a monster! No! Well... yeah, sorta. But she needs my help. Everything is cool. Trust me. I... I'm getting the police. Julie! No! C'mon, we've got to move fast. The parasites are over there. I don't see anything. Because they're underground. Under the football field? Yes, that's where the mother laid her eggs. Eggs? Like, they're gonna hatch? Tonight, unless we stop them. How? With the stones. As soon as the full moon rises over the school... There thay are! Hold it right there kids. We have to get into the school. It's locked. Not for long. Hey! No, it's a dead end! Come on! How did we... stay... up...? Suction. Suction? I'm really sorry I asked. I hid my equipment here. I figured that if anyone found it, they'd just think it was part of a science experiment. Put these on when I tell you to. Why? I'll explain later. Come on! We're running out of time. What's the hurry? The lunar light will be strongest when the moon gets fully over the school. And if we're not set up by then, it's gonna be too late. They're going to stop us. Not if we get a little diversion. Jake? What's going on? I don't have time to explain it all now, but it's really, really important that I help Ellen. But there's something that you gotta know. You and I are the best. I mean, together. I really see that now, I don't want to lose you. You mean that? What was that? I felt something move. There they are! Come out of there, now! Is that too loud? Sorry. They won't be gone for long! When I give you the signal put your glasses on and toss the stone in the circle. I'll do the same. That's it? What does it do? You'll see. Thanks Jake. I'll never forget this. Hold it right there young lady. -Jake! Let her go! Jake! Jake, you're our only hope! Yes! Jake! The other one! No! No! Julie! Throw it in the hoop! Put your glasses on! Julie, throw it in the hoop! Cover your eyes! We did it! We did it! Jake! You were incredible! Thanks, but, what did we do? We killed the flesh eating alien locust! Here, read this. You're kidding right? No, read it! I did. This is about some bacteria in Brazil they stopped with antibiotics. But... but no. I mean, the mother alien laid her eggs in the field and we zapped 'em! Mother alien? What mother alien? Ellen? We zapped 'em, right? (laughs) The end. Good story. Now I know why you didn't want to sit on the ground. Well yeah... and I also don't like getting my bottom wet. Bye! Ugh gross! Ugh man! I'm soaked! I really hope nobody else can see this. This is definetly the end. House Arrest What the fuck? Stop! What are you doing? ! What are you doing? You clog me up! Mister! What--? Where do you suppose you're going? Stop, stop! I demand you stop! I demand you come back here this instant! This instant, you motherfucker! You motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Yeah. Zanone Brothers. -_ello. Thís ís Síraj. -This fucking series, huh? Your dríver. He comes here, he dumps the garbage all over the place! -Oh, he did, huh? -What he dídt -How about those Knicks? -Come get ítt -Get what, sir? -The goddamn, goddamn garbage! -We thought you wanted it back! -What? -What? -The raghead from the deli. Hellot Where are you? You called yesterday to complain. Our policy's written on our trucks. "Double your garbage back if you're not satisfied. " I complain because you didn't make full pickups on 1 2th, 1 6th, 20th. And then I get charged double for it! Right. We had to come out twice. You charge me double for píckups you míssed? My dispatcher asked you, if you're not satisfied: "Did you want your garbage back?" Of course I don't want garbage back! Then you're satisfied. You are speaking shit to me. We'll try to send the truck out tomorrow. What are we talking, eight to ten? For God's sake, Alan, I can plead him out at three to five. All right. Talk to Mike Gendler. See what he says. What's all this? Looked thirsty last time I saw you. Oh, yeah. You know what? I knew I left this someplace. -New? -You know, keeping busy. -Carmela, the kids? -Good. You know, school shit. -You bet that game last night? -Yeah. What do you think I need this for? What do I owe you, counselor? Pay me when I actually do something. I hope that fucking day never comes. It almost did, very recently. The Neil Mink lecture series. Isn't it fair to say we stared into the abyss? A very close call, that brush with the murder beef. I told you. I was home alone. You and Macaulay Culkin. Except then neither one of you would've been alone. Champagne's nice. But you want to give me a real gift? Insulate yourself from these shenanigans like I told you. I do. I am. What the fuck you want from me? Use one of the businesses we have you in for something... .. .besides showing income on a tax return. Spend time at Garden State Rendering. You know what boiling fat smells like? You have an office at Barone Sanitation. Get your ass out of that strip club and go there. All right, I hear you. The feds are a business, Anthony. Millions of tax dollars invested in watching your ass. Sooner or later, just like you they're gonna want a return on that investment. Mother of fucking mercy! You take a sledgehammer to my balls? That's just the incision where l inserted the stent. -You'll feel a little tenderness. -Okay, almost there. Easy. -Just use the bedpan next time. -l'm no cat. I don't shit in a box. -You have to watch your heart. -My heart's fine. When I get out of here, we're going to a discotheque. You and me. Discotheque. What's so funny? Mr. Soprano, I'm Michael McLuhan from the U.S. Marshal's Service. Here to reattach your electronic bracelet. They give you the important jobs. Excuse me. -Your name's really McLuhan? -Right. So that makes you Marshal McLuhan. That's right. What's the fucking joke? You may feel some pressure in your chest. It'll go away as the blood flow to the heart increases. Just stay in bed, plenty of fluids. We'll get you home tomorrow. Lucky-fucking-me. Sandwich or something? Did you hear me with my balls? Who could fucking eat? New York's only classíc rock statíon, Q1 O_. What are you looking at? Nothing. Just looking out the window. Getting my eyebrows done. Remember: One mouth, two ears. Listen to each other. I'll see you next week. So what's up? I don't know. I'm-- l'm bored or something. I don't want to come here no more. Wow. Not the first time we've heard you say that. No offense, but this is feeling like a waste of time. -l'm sure for the both of us. -l don't feel that way. The other day I'm watching this movie with Brad Pitt and that blond... .. .Gwyneth Paltrow. Slídíng Doors_ Fuck no! Seyen. It's a good movie. I never seen it before. But halfway through it I'm thinking "This is bullshit. A waste of my fucking time. Why do I give a shit who the killer is? What difference will that information make in my life?" Very true. So I shut it off. Good for you. What did you do instead? Went out in the yard. Burned ants with a magnifying glass. A little sense of humor here? You still in mourning over the coming of managed care? -Go on. -What's the point? You go to Italy, you lift some weights, you watch a movie. It's all a series of distractions till you die. I hear depression talking. Yeah, well, I'm not up on my dosage. Medication. What do I got to show for it? Who knows where you'd be without the medication? Anyway, some people take pleasure in the simple doing of things. Yeah, well, the things I take pleasure in, I can't do. Currently trying to change my business profile, if you know what I mean. Oh, so it's all about your legal problems. I'm gonna get the car. Don't disappear. Meet me out front. Corrado? I thought that was you. Catherine. Romano. Catherine. You have to stay in the chair till you leave the building. -Hospital rules. -So call a cop. A little procedure. They should worry about the sick. It's all about the insurance. You remember my Chuckie? Little Chuckie. You drove the bike for the butcher's. I gotta call Karen, Ma. He's a cop now, like his father. -A detective. -He was a good egg, your Lou. He was a real straight shooter. He had a lot of class. Hodgkin's, no? It's been almost 1 5 years. That long? The week the shuttle exploded. The pension helps. The grandchildren. You look good, Corrado. You healthy? A little heart trouble. Nothing much. You broke your ankle? Bunions. You still in Belleville? Same house. Watsessing Avenue. I'm right on Ampere Parkway. Near our beloved alma mater. Maybe we could have coffee? Catch up. There's an IHOP by the dry cleaners. The doctor says I'm not supposed to leave the house. Too much stress. Sir? The chair. I don't show up for eight years, you turn my office into a storeroom? I'll get this shit cleaned right out. Connie! Connie! This is Mr. Soprano. Tony. How you doing? Connie DeSapio. What happened to Diane? A little self-indulgent with the office supplies. He's been out in the field, but he's gonna spend some time with us at HQ. So let's get Ralphie and Danny here and move these boxes and books out. -What should I do with them? -l don't know. Make room. I'll put them by the copy machine. Nice rack. Born-again Christian. Oh, yeah? Listen, while I have you here. We may have a problem. Richie Aprile. Yeah, I heard. He tipped a truck at a deli in Nutley. Fucking guy. But that's not it. One of Zanone's drivers, the illustrated man? Richie's got him running an operation selling blow along the routes. The Department of Sanitation I can handle.. . ...but if the DEA gets involved, we're gonna lose our 9-O-1 . -Son of a fucking bitch. -l don't like to break your balls. That piece of shit's gonna be my brother-in-law. Nice, huh? The RICO Act, Elliot. We sat there and we talked about the fucking RICO Act. You treat different patients, your base of knowledge expands. Two years ago, I thought RICO was a relative of his. Cards-on-the-table time. How's the drinking? I don't know. Worse, I guess. Are you an alcoholic? I am drinking in between sessions. -That's very serious. -Just on the days that I see him. I can't take it. Finally. Thank you. Are you taking steps to seriously end it? He wanted to end it. Last time he wanted to stop coming, but I talked him out of it. Why? If I was at Sloan and he had a pituitary tumor would I stop him from coming? Elliot, it's like that thing with watching a train wreck. I'm afraid and repulsed by what he might tell me. But somehow I can't stop myself from wanting to hear it. Okay. All set. It'll ramp up to eight pounds per cubic inch. Keep your airway open when you're sleeping. I don't snore. Don't be embarrassed. Obstructive sleep apnea is serious. Every time you wake up fighting for breath... .. .it puts tremendous strain on your heart. Dr. Schreck is right in prescribing this for you. -lt makes me look like a sick man. -You're not sick. But testing shows REM-wise you have 40 arousals per hour. More, since I met you. Such a thing to say. "Arousals" mean a change in your stages of sleep. You are such a flirt. I'll stop by tomorrow, see how you did. Be counting the beats. -Who's that? -Judge Crater. How should I know? -The one ordered the house arrest? -Answer the door. It's an expression. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Hello, I'm Catherine. A friend of Corrado's. Fuck me. Catherine, what a surprise. I would've called. You're unlisted. I brought manicotti. How's your foot? It's better. Thanks. Heart? Better. is this a bad time for a visit? Actually, the nurse just got here. We're about to have my examination. Oh, well, maybe Friday then. I volunteer at the bingo since Louis passed. Well, enjoy the manicotti. Thank you, I will. You're awful. She went to school with my older brother. Oh, right. I'll see you tomorrow. Why'd you send her away? I thought you were bored. Talking to that dreadnought would help? She seems all right. What the hell do we have in common? Bunion. You know how I feel about feet. Look at this. You believe this one with the cleavage? Finger food's better than last year. Not the landfill. The problem's the limit. We're at two grand a day but with the DOS breaking our balls I gotta fuck with the ins and outs. Oh, yeah? What's that? Paperwork, you know? List the gross tonnage. I gotta file it in triplicate every day. Right. How you doing? -ls that your wife, Dickie? -Yeah. Come on, I'll introduce you. I'm getting engaged myself. Hey, some place, huh? That landscaping is gorgeous. Janice, you're completely transformed. What can I say? -"You look good, Janice. " -Yeah, you look pretty good, Janice. -You are a giant asshole, you know? -Come on. Richie, you got a minute? Jesus Christ, let me get a drink. No, we'll grab a waiter. Come on. -See you. -Excuse me, ladies. -Have you met Helen Barone? -Hi. Jan Soprano. -Nice to meet you, Jan. -Nice to meet you. Got any blow? -What? -Blow. You know, coke. It's not on you? I gotta go to the deli in Nutley? You don't sell that shit along those routes. I'm with Junior. I don't give a shit if you're working with Wal-Mart. I'm earning. We're saving for a house. You got enough picking up garbage. Not if you, the fucking association, and Barone won't let me expand. Are you fucking stonato or what? After five years, the cops are leaving garbage alone. A drug bust on one of those routes? The fbi, DEA, all those fucking pricks will breathe down our necks again. It's a little coke. What is the big deal? You and my uncle, you deal drugs, it's your business. You do it on association routes, it's my business. It stops today. You got it? Don't give me no fucking Manson lamps. Just fucking stop. Also, don't tip a truck on a problem customer. You know, I fucking hate the way you make me fucking ride you. Now get the fuck out of here! Municipalities went private. We bid on a landfill in West Virginia. I started reading the EPA's new guidelines on curbside recycling. Listen, I'm telling you. Just listen to me, guys. I got it right through the transfer station. It scaled out at nearly 3000 tons! Three thousand tons! Talking about a yard waste ban in half the states on the Eastern seaboard. Oh, my God. Tony. Call an ambulance! -Oh, my God, what's wrong? -Flip him over. Watch his head. Pills, the analysis. You pay her a fortune. What's she doing for you? -Leave me alone. -lf it was a man, you'd wring his neck. I got a fucking rash now. Leave me alone. Putting a wing on her house. Mr. Soprano. -l have your results. -Yeah? It's preliminary, but as far as I can tell-- Nothing physical, right? I passed out. If it's nothing physical then what the fuck is wrong? I would think you'd be relieved. I'll be relieved when I figure out what's wrong. I wish it was something physical so I could rip it the fuck out! Sorry, it's just very frustrating. I know you're only trying to help. Losing some weight wouldn't hurt. Shit. Did you get the ladyfingers? No, they were out. I got crumbcake. The Entenmann's. Disposal again? Leave it, I told you. I gotta get the flange. When, Saint Swithen's Day? Who was at the door before? -That lady from the other day. -Catherine? The one with the manicotti. I said you were sleeping. Why didn't you wake me? Roberta Sanfillipo didn't call back, did she? I gotta be honest. When I ran into her at Fountains of Wayne that time she was very cold. What was she buying? A fountain. Kid pissing. Must have bought a house. Great ass. Jesus. Talked too much, but what a piece she was. And game as they come. Listen, I'm gonna go. Gotta take my kid to karate. 8ut in _ngela's _shes you laughed with them at least. Every paycheck squandered on alcohol. -You know the Irish and their liquor. -"The weakness," he calls it. How he could make such heartache funny is beyond me. -My God, with that father. -We don't know what poverty is. Didn't the mother come off nicer? It's all in the writing. He makes certain choices about how he's going to portray people. Like the nuns in that convent. -Hello. -Yeah, T. It's me. Hey. Listen, that container came in from the other side. -lt's supposed to go to that guy. -Great. It's about fucking time. It's better than she said. I mean, it's un-fucking-believable. It's all original World War Il shit. -You're fuckíng kíddíng me. -l know nothing! Nothing! Ton, I am lookíng at the fuckíng _ístory Channel heret You gotta come down here. You're gonna love this stuff. No. We got Eisenhower's dinnerware from Allied headquarters in London. We got a couple of Herman Goering's personal pearl-handled Lugers. And get this, we got the jeep that Patton drove around in Sicily. We have ways of dealing with you, Mr. Soprano! Put that down, ít's expensíve. -No, I better listen to the lawyer. -Are you sure? Yeah. You guys go ahead without me. -All ríght, I'll talk to you later. -All right. How about a mystery? The mystery is that Rosalie _ea_ The Ya-Ya Sísterhood. What? I liked it. What about John Irving? Something like Cí_er _o_se R_les? Yeah, but not so sad. So how's that English class going? Comparative literature, whatever? Comp lit was last semester. I told you I'm taking Lacan. Deconstructive theory. Oh, deconstructivist. Excuse me. Incredible. They could care less. This is delicious. And your grandfather a contractor. Deconstructivism. My droll mom. Excuse me, could you move your cigarette? -Pardon me? -lt's blowing into my son's face. -Thank you. -We're allowed to smoke. Unfortunately an area where New Jersey is woefully behind. But could you move it? -lt's no big deal. -lt's no big deal to move it either. I don't think so. I'm sorry? -l'm not gonna move it. -Why not? -Because you're very rude. -l said "excuse me" quite clearly. Your tone. -lt's a health hazard. Move it. -No. I'm a physician. Do you know what you're doing to the rest of us? My son has taken the trouble in his own life to live in a smoke-free dorm. -My salutations. -Mom. This isn't a smoke-free restaurant. Look, this is silly. Could you just move the fucking thing? -Not when you talk like that. -Just move the cigarette, please. -No. -No? No. -Mom! -Well? ! You bitch! -She must be drunk. -Excuse me, what did you say? Ma'am? Come on, I saw what happened. Let's just- - Shall we? -You call the police. -l don't think that's warranted. Please call the police. I'm not the one with the lethal weapon here! I'd like you to leave. Come on, Jason. I'm out of here. -Hello. -ln here. -Uncle Jun? -ln here. The kitchen! Where you been? I been calling you all afternoon. My fucking hand is stuck down the drain and I can't reach the fucking phone! Good thing I'm nice. I could start tickling you. Jesus Christ. How long you been standing there? Six hours! Now get the fucking detergent and lubricate my wrist! Motherfucking son of a bitch! I thought you were Bobby. -Why didn't you just call a plumber? -With what, my fucking toes? ! All right, relax. Relax! Let it go limp. Limp! You're flexing! Let it go limp. Limp. That's it. You're flexing. Limp. That's it, simmer down. Simmer down. Easy. -Oh, Jesus-fucking-Christ. -There. Oh, this fucking house. I'm dying here! Come on, just take it easy, okay? You're coming to the engagement party, right? You'll get permission? I'll make some coffee. I don't give a shit! It's light. You got your nephew to thank for that. What do you mean? I ran into him the other day at the garbage man's ball, or whatever the fuck it is. Says we can't sell coke on the route. -What? -That's what he said. I guess nobody should eat but him. You should've seen him in the golf outfit. He looked like Wallace Beery. Where does he get the effrontery? He's the boss. Whether he has grand mals or not. -And this shit is okay with you? -l know that you love him, Junior. I don't want to say anything disparaging. They're bureaucrats. They nit, they pick. It's passive-aggressive. They hate their lives, themselves. I know, they're not out in the field. What can I do? It's mandatory! Okay, hold on. Get me the paperwork on the separation requirements for New Jersey. Where is it? I don't know, I put them with the recycling files. Can I get you something? Coffee? No. No, I'm all right. I'll be going home soon. I embarrassed my son. How's he supposed to know where this type of behavior is coming from? Think it's time you considered a 1 2-step program? I'm not an alcoholic, Elliot. Besides, I have you. This. Therapy isn't a substitute. You know that. I won't drink with my son anymore. We're bargaining now? I'll go to a meeting. I'm also prescribing Luvox. Luvox? -lt's for OCD. -Among other things. I've had success treating other compulsions. -Compulsions, Elliot? Come on. -Your patient, Jennifer. Your inability to bring the therapy to a conclusion. Elliot, I honestly believe that he's not ready. Refer him to another doctor. -Do you really think I'm-- -Obsessed? Luvox. Jesus Christ. That coke provides a nice income stream. -Have any idea the bills I got? -Keep it away from the garbage route. Lawyers, doctors, prescriptions.. . ...a double sawbuck for a pillow so I can sit comfortably. Why don't you sit on that pile of cash you got? My finances are nobody's damn business. That garbage is my business. I don't want you and that shitbird fucking it up! Your business? Why don't you get that through that bald dome of yours? Why does everything have to be so difficult? You know, back in the '50s we worked together. Even rival families settled their differences amicably. I remember Albert Anastasia lying all amicable on the barbershop floor. There were exceptions. I'm just saying. -l'm sorry. Should I come back? -lt's all right. We're done here. So bad night last night, huh? Let's see if we can't get you a better fit on this mask. That little cupcake. She never came back. -The one with the mask. -Tracy? Sent her a bottle of Shalimar. Oh, she never mentioned it. You should be happy at least. The stint was a complete success. Let's not tempt fate by taxing the heart. How many MiGs you shoot down last week? Where's that fucking manicotti? It's gone. Half a fucking tray in there! I was hungry. Son of a bitch! It's not my fault you got your hand caught. Why you gotta be so nasty? Dírectory Assístance. What lístíng? Belleville. I need a number for a Catherine Romano. Thank you. For what cíty? Cocksucker. Belleville! Please hold for an operator. Any allergies? Shellfish, perhaps? I eat shrimp all the time. -MSG? -No. -Any change in medication? -No. A new laundry detergent, something like that? I don't know. I don't think so. -Have you been under any undue stress? -That the only word you people know? Sometimes pressure can cause contact dermatitis. is that what that is? See, I knew that was bad. It means rash. -lt's bleeding, for chrissake! -You've been scratching it. You said you work at a sanitation transfer station. Dollars to doughnuts, you're exposed to an irritant in the air there. I sit in an office. I'll write you a scrip for a cortisone cream. Dr. Cusamano tells me you've been seeing a psychotherapist. So? I suggest you talk about stress management with him. To tell you the truth, I was surprised to hear from you. I was sorry we missed our visit. I had a feeling you weren't interested. Oh, no. I stopped by the other day, but I guess you were out. It was odd. I thought I heard you hollering. Funny how life works. The different paths. All leading to the cemetery. Can I ask you something, Corrado? Was my Lou ever, you know, on the take? No, of course not. Why would you ask such a thing? Sometimes, you know, I'd find money. Hundreds of dollars. Cash. In his pockets at night. Probably won it at the racetrack. -You think so? -Sure, why not? Somebody has to win. Well, the kitchen needs some work. You know, a little marble, maybe some new fixtures. It's nice. -Think they'll come down on the price? -l don't know. It's your sister. Would it kill you to take interest? -l'm here, ain't I? -Oh, I'm sorry we're late. The paper says Fox Hill Lane, she takes me to Stag Trail Road. Not bad, huh, Carm? Oh, wow! If we have kids, Ma's house isn't big enough. _ _ _ _ And like Tony says, It's not our house anyway. See this bedroom. You could make a den out of the closet. Talked to my uncle the other day. Yeah. I heard. So we're clear on this drug shit, right, Richie? The reason I'm asking, q850,OOO is a big nut. I don't know if your job at the fish market will cover it. Tell me about it. These walls? Skim coat. Not that plain Sheetrock shit. Not only that, they put in the lawn this year. It's new. When did you put your lawn in? This is a great school district. Are you all right? -l gotta go. -What's wrong? Nothing. Just-- l feel hot. You're all clammy. Let's get you home. No, no. You stay with them and help them and-- l'll see you later. Oh, you poor bastard. Hey, Tony, you got a minute? Yeah, sure. What's up? What are you doing? Organizing a basketball pool for the people in the office. -Sounds great. Should be fun. -Yeah. Listen, I got a call from a friend of mine in Nutley. Guy's a cop. They got Richie's driver on video. He sold three ounces of coke at an arcade down there. It's all right. I talked to Richie. This was last night. Guess we'll have to torch a truck or something. Oh, you don't want to hear that. And I sure as shit didn't say it. -Dick, I'm working on the office pool. -Oh, sure. I'll leave you alone. Hello. Corrado? Why the fuck you calling? Now listen, I am the only person in this family who doesn't curse. So just do me the favor. I want to see how you're feeling. Is that so horrible? I'm fine. It's not easy being abandoned, is it? Look to yourself. I had a stroke, Corrado. Did you hear? Of course I heard. I don't live in Oshkosh. And I heard you're keeping company with that Catherine Romano. Fuck. Never you mind about that. Ah, she's so sweet. I remember my Johnny told me she let him feel her up behind the Sons of Italy hall. Listen, Livia, what you don't know could fill a book. is everything all right? My brother's wife. Oh, Livia. How is she? I heard she wasn't well. She never was well. Let's face it. That woman's life is very sad. If she fell into a sewer pipe she'd come up holding a gold watch in each hand. This was my father's. Actually it's his uncle's. It's sweet, but there's nothing like homemade wine. -The vinegar eggplant. -From four years ago. Take some home. Oh, I can't handle the acidity. I could make us some lunch. Why bother? There's a Friendly's on Bloomfield Avenue. I can't. Don't you enjoy going out? -lt's not that I don't enjoy it. -Well, what is it then? Your heart? No, it's certain legal difficulties. The truth is I can't go out. I'm under house arrest. Oh, my God. -Does it hurt? -lt beeps. It sends a signal if I leave the house. You can't go anywhere? The choices we make, huh? Occasionally, I get special permission. Banking, the doctor's, certain family obligations. For the most part, though.... l understand if you don't want to stay. I enjoy you, Corrado. I always did. You stay, I'll bring food in. Trying to keep a low profile. What's the fucking point? I'm still a miserable prick and I'm still passing out. Thing on the History Channel on the American Revolution. We're the only country in the world where the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in writing. Do you believe that? Bunch of fucking spoiled brats. -Where's my happiness then? -lt's the pursuit that's guaranteed. Always a fucking loophole, right? Well, you seem very mellow today. Let's talk about you. You seem like you're on drugs and I'm bored to death. I'm ready for the George Sanders long walk here! Do you know why a shark keeps moving? They gotta move or they'll die. They can't breathe or something. There's a psychological condition known as alexithymia. Common in certain personalities. The individual craves almost ceaseless action. Which enables them to avoid acknowledging.. . ...the abhorrent things they do. Abhorrent? What "certain personalities"? Antisocial personalities. My future brother-in-law. Ran over a guy. No reason. Guy's paralyzed. Has to piss into a cathode tube. What happens.. . ...when these antisocial personalities... .. .aren't distracted from the horrible shit they do? They have time to think about their behavior. How what they do affects other people. About feelings of emptiness and self-loathing.. . .. .haunting them since childhood. And they crash. Corrado. Fucking thing. Shh, with that talk. Look. -What did you throw? I didn't see. -l threw? Ho! Our long lost leader. Somebody must owe him money. -Hey, Tony. How you doing? -Good. -How's the clay pigeon been? -Getting there. Knock Cardozo law school, his lawyer says the gun charge won't stick. -Congratulations. -We were just talking about.. . ...you know, down the docks. Driving off some Japanese technology. -Hesh knows a guy. -Oh, yeah? So, what else is going on? Nothing. So I'm having good luck with Swiss Basics Moisturizing Formula. Maybe I'll try it. Got it! Goodbye. What the fuck? Holy shit. Look at that. It's that dipshit Carmine again. Sil, tell him no speeding in the neighborhood. I'm on it. Come on. -What an asshole. -Carmine! What the fuck's wrong with you? How many times do we gotta tell you? Do not speed in this neighborhood! Come on, you hurt? You should be crippled, you fucking asshole! Don't do that again! You understand me? Tony. -Agent Harris. -How you doing? -How are you? -Good to see you. I was in the neighborhood. My new partner, Joe Marquez. -How you doing? -No openings at the post office? How about those Nets? -What a series. -Yeah. -lt's that guy, Williams. -Yeah, he's good. That fourth quarter was amazing. -How'd the Knicks do? -lt was close. Really close. -Look at this asshole. -Your friend? He drives too fast. He's always fucking hitting shit. English Subtitles by GelulaISDl Stop! Stop! What are you doing? What are you doing , you closing me up? Mister, where do you suppose you are going? Stop! Stop! I demand you stop! I demand you come back here this instant! This instant, you motherfucker! You motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Yeah. Zanone brothers. This fuckin' series, huh? Your driver, he comes here, he dumps the garbage all over the place! He did, huh? What "he did"? How about those nets, huh? You come get it know! Get what, sir? The goddamn, goddamn garbage. We thought you wanted it back. What? What? The raghead from the deli. Hello, where are you? You called yesterday to complain? That's our policy, it's written on our trucks. Double your garbage back if you're not satisfied. I complain because you didn't make full pickups on 12, 16, 20th. And then i get charged double for it! Right, we had to come out twice. You charge me double for pickups you miss? My dispatcher asked you if you're not satisfied did you want your garbage back? Of course i don't want garbage back. Then you're satisfied. You are speaking shit to me. We'll try to send a truck out tomorrow. What are we talking, eight to ten? For godsake alan, i can plea him out of three to five. Alright, talk to mike gendler, see what he says. What's all this? You looked thirsty last time i saw you. Oh yeah, you know what? I knew i left this someplace. New? Ah you know, keeping busy. Carmela, the kids? Good. You know, school shit. You bet that game last night? Yeah. What do you think i need this for? So what do i owe you, counselor? You'll pay me when i actually have to do something. Let's hope that fuckin' day never comes, right? It almost did very recently. Here we go, the neil mink lecture series. We'll isn't it fair to say we were staring into the abyss? A very close call, that brush with a murder beef. I told you i was home alone. You and macaulay culkin. Except that neither one of you would have been alone. Champagne's nice. But you want to give me a real gift? Insulate yourself from these shenanigans. I told you once already. I do. I am. What the fuck you want from me? Use one of the businesses we've got you in, for something besides showing income on a tax return. Spend time at garden state rendering. Oh please, you know what boiling fat smells like? You have an office at barone sanitation. Get your ass out of that strip club and go there. Alright, i hear you. The feds are a business, anthony. Millions of tax dollars invested in watching your ass. Sooner or late r just like you, they're gonna want a return on that investment. Mother of fucking mercy. What'd you take a sledge hammer to my balls? That's just the incision where i inserted the stent. You're gonna feel a little tenderness. Okay, almost there. Easy. You should use the bedpan next time. I'm not a cat. I don't shit in a box. You have to watch your heart. My heart's fine. When i get out of here we're going to a discotheque, you and me. Discotheque. What's so funny? Mr. Soprano. I'm michael mcluhan from the u. S. Marshall service. Here to reattach your electronic bracelet. They you give you the important jobs, huh? Excuse me. Your name's really mcluhan? Right. So that makes you marshal mcluhan. That's right. What? What's the fucking joke? Alright, you may feel pressure in your chest. That'll go away as the blood flow to heart increases. Just stay in bed, plenty of fluids. Get you home tomorrow. Lucky fucking me. Sandwich or something? Did you hear me with my balls, who can fucking eat? ...new york's only classic rock station, q104. What are you looking at? Nothing. Just looking out the window. Gettin' my eyebrows done. Remember... one mouth, two ears. Listen to each other. I'll see you next week. Okay. So, what's up? I don't know, i'm... i'm bored or something. I don't want to come here no more. Well... not the first time we've heard you say that. No offense but let's face it, this is starting to feel like a waste of time. I'm sure for the both of us. I don't feel that way. Like the other day i'm watching this movie with brad pitt and that blonde, gweneth paltrow. "Sliding doors"? The Dragon Ball! Move! Hey! Stop touching Grandpa! Grandpa...? This? Yeah! It's the only memento of his that he left me! Girls aren't allowed to touch it! Look! He's glowing! It's like he's talking excitedly! That's the first time I've seen him do that! I guess I'll let you in on the secret. Look! It's Grandpa! You have two grandpas? ! they're Dragon Balls! Dragon Balls...? Yeah! Your Dragon Ball is reacting to these two here. Try putting yours next to them. Okay... See? I found this ball in a storeroom in my house. so I did some research and found out they're actually really amazing! What's so amazing about them? Want me to tell you? Yeah. Alright. There it is! So this is the legendary Dragon Ball? right? --No. --Eh? it's completely useless by itself. What? ! Pilaf-sama. There are seven Dragon Balls in all... huh...? Shen Long - the lord of the dragons - appears. then he will grant you any single wish you want. Any wish at all? Incredible! I will use the Dragon Balls to rule the world! Wow! Any wish will come true if you collect all seven Dragon Balls? I heard that someone once collected them all and became a king! so it looks like they all got separated again since then. So you're trying to collect them all? but ten days ago I finally found this Five-Star Ball in a valley to the north! Grandpa's has four stars! Which makes it the Four-Star Ball! I already know what my wish is going to be! but I'm going to wish for a cute boyfriend instead! So can I have that Four-Star Ball? No way! Grandpa gave this to me! Cheapskate! you're not going to use it anyway! I get it! I know what you want! How about this? You can touch it if you'd like! I don't wanna touch your dirty butt. It is not dirty! How rude! why don't you help me find the Dragon Balls? right? Find the Dragon Balls? after all. And it's your duty as a man to go to various places and train yourself! Do you think I can get strong like Grandpa if I train? Of course! right? have you? and you'll even get to see dinosaurs and monsters! Sounds like fun! I think I'll go! Great! It's decided then! But you're not getting my ball! I'll hold on to it. That's fine! I'll just need to borrow it after we find the other ones... This is looking good! and it doesn't matter as long as I get my wish! Time to set out on our exciting adventure! Let's go! But how do you find the other balls if you don't know where they are? That's what makes me so smart! Though I'm cute too! This! The Dragon Radar. I made it myself! Look! These three dots are the balls we have. The next one is over here. Approximately 1200 kilometers to the west! I don't get it. though. so we'll have to use something else... Let's see... What number was it? Number nine! Get back. let's go! Yikes! You're a witch! I knew it! You really are a witch! What are you talking about? These're called Hoi Poi Capsules; everyone civilized uses them! It's not black magic! Just get in behind me already! Ready? Here we go! Wow! This goes a lot faster than I run! watch where you're grabbing! And so began Goku and Bulma's fantastic and momentous adventure! Wow! What an amazing technique! We were flying! I try my best... ! I didn't expect the slope to be that steep! I'll be right back! Why? Where are you going? huh? ! she's obviously going to take a leak! you need to go pee? No following me! But she could've gone pee right here... She sure is weird. What's wrong? Did a snake bite your wiener? ! Who are you? ! I'm Goku. Are you a friend of hers? yes. so you wait here! Huh? I'm all tied up. thanks a bunch! Bye now! It's been so long since I've had human meat! I'm gonna take my time eating you! Hey! How long should I wait? ! What're you doing? ! Save me! ldiot! Moron! Blockhead! you want me to save you? You should've said so sooner! But now what do I do? I can't fly... That's right! I wonder if I can ride this... I think she twisted this thing hard... I did it! It's moving! Okay! Here goes! I'll do it from here! Goku! What a fool! pole! Have a taste of my Nyoibou! Help me... ! Okay! I guess I didn't save her after all... I wound up taking a leak anyway... ! Good for you! Goku and Bulma's journey has just begun. What awaits them next on their adventure? located thousands of miles from civilization. This fantastic tale began deep within Mt. Paozu. Alright! Must be a monkey or a wildcat! Lunch time! I did it! It should be around here somewhere... maybe? What a big catch! What's that sound? You surprised me! you! Watch where you're going! You evil beast! If you're thinking about stealing my food... Huh? ...then come and fight me! There's a weird goblin coming out of the beast! You jerk! Ow! What was that? Black magic? ! This can't be for real... Why didn't he die? You're stupid! I wouldn't die because of something like that! My body is as tempered as stainless steel! goblin! Hold on a second! I'm not a goblin! I'm a human! A human? Really? See? Just like you. See? Don't move! You seem different than me somehow... You seem softer and weaker... you are a boy. And I'm just a frail little girl! A girl? You're a girl? What a hick you are! Don't tell me you've never seen a girl before? You're the first human I've seen besides my grandpa. My late grandpa told me something... He said if I ever met a girl that I should be nice to her. now? You have to be nice to me! Girls don't have tails? How weird. A tail...! A tail? You have a tail. My tail surprised you? You don't have one? Boys do. Boys have tails? Is that right? but I didn't think they had tails. Come to my house! I'll let you have lots of food since you're a girl! THE ROAD TO BEING THE STRONGEST Grandpa! I'm back! What a shabby house. Grandpa! A girl! There's a girl here! A Dragon Ball! It's my grandpa! The radar was right! There was one here! Don't touch my grandpa! My grandpa left me this. Girls aren't allowed to touch it. I guess I'll just have to explain it to you. Tadah! Look! It's Grandpa! You had him too? something like that. Grandpa's multiplied... These are called Dragon Balls. you know? no one knew. I came across a really old book and finally found the answer. These balls are called Dragon Balls. It said there's actually 7 in all. What makes them stand out is the fact that they have a soft glow and that they have 1 through 7 stars in them. Look! Grandpa's has 4 stars. That one's called the 4-Star Ball. The ones I found are the 2-Star Ball and the 5-Star Ball. Why are you looking for them? To use them for a magic spell? Don't be silly. When you collect all 7 something totally amazing happens! Something amazing? When you collect all 7 and chant the sacred words Shen Long appears and grants any single wish you want! Wow! That's amazing! I read that the people who collected them long ago all became kings! but I already have a wish in mind! What is it? What is it? ...but my wish would definitely be for a nice boyfriend. A nice boyfriend...? So could you give me your 4-Star Ball? No way! My grandpa left me this! Cheapskate. right? Bleeeh! I get it! I know just what you want! How about this? You can have a quick feel if you want. I don't want to touch your dirty butt. It is not dirty! How rude! Then help me find the rest of the Dragon Balls! right? You're a boy; you need to go to all sorts of places and train! Train? didn't he? Alright. But I'm not giving you this ball! I'll hold onto it! Fine by me! You just need to let me borrow it for a minute when we're almost finished. then sure. Yes! Alright! After the Dragon Balls grant a wish they fly off in all directions! this boy's just perfect for my bodyguard! I'm all ready. Then it's time to set out on our exciting adventure! Let's go! OK! I'm Son Goku. What's your name? Bulma. Bulma? What a weird name! Shut up! you know! Bulma! Bulma! Bulma! Bulma! How annoying! I hate kids! Let me see here... Bulma! let's get going! Magic! I knew it! You do use black magic! It isn't black magic. everyone knows about storage capsules! Don't touch it with your filthy pole! It isn't filthy. My grandpa gave me this Nyoibou! just get on already! Track down the Dragon Balls at once! Yamucha-sama! Here comes a sucker! but... Leave the girl here. So this guy's your dad? He's gigantic! Stupid! That's not what he meant! Then who is this cow? Cow? brat! huh? I'll dunk you in this hot soup and eat you! Go ahead and try... if you dare! What? ! Ow! Hot! Hot! Why you...! Now I'm really mad! I didn't do anything... Silence! Don't tell me you're actually really weak. You fool! Everyone knows I'm the strongest in the entire world! Are you sure? What did you say? ! So what about you? Are you any strong? I am! My grandpa trained me really hard. OK! See! Huh? Transformation! pal! Oh no! 5 minutes is up already! He transformed again. You sure are a busy guy! This isn't a transformation! in-the-flesh Oolong-sama! That's your normal form? Listen and be surprised! I can only transform for 5 minutes at a time! You were too dumb to surprise me. I would've run him over! Why did you do those bad things? ...and she's got big boobs to boot. you know... Help! Who did that? ! I did! It wouldn't be right to fight a kid. If you want to make it out of this desert alive you'll hand over all your money and capsules. Yeah! Hand it over! Who are you guys? the big crybaby! Oolong! Pu-erh? Yes. We went to the Southern Transformation Kindergarten together! Oolong always picked on me! Crybaby Pu-erh! Crybaby Pu-erh! He's a big pervert! He was kicked out of school for stealing a teacher's panties! you jerk... Pervert! Pervert! Whatever. Just make with the money and capsules already. I don't want to. it sounds like you're wantin' to take a trip to heaven. Here I come! Rogafufu-ken! Yamucha-sama! Yay! What is up with today? ! Now you've done it! are ya? A girl...? ! Huh? Pu-erh! Let's retreat for now! Right! Listen up! We will get your capsules! That's a promise! Hey! Who was that? He was a real stud! And he's the one who launched the missile! really? How come we gotta use my car? We've got no other choice! I don't have any capsules with big cars in them! I'm going to change clothes now. Oolong! No peeking! I didn't know there was a girl there; I know how you're weak around them! I won't be known as Yamucha the Great Desert Bandit anymore! Yeah! Damn it! How come I gotta look for those whatever-you-call-them balls? To pay us back for those bad things you did! Plus your ability to transform is really something. It just might come in handy someday. Don't be stupid! That just means I'm your servant! To hell with that! I quit! It's so hot... Maybe I should sleep only in my underwear tonight... It's so hot... It sure is. I guess I'll tag along with you for a little while! Found it! It's the 1-Star Ball! That makes 4 balls! Bulma! white stuff? Don't tell me you've never heard of snow! so come down! Hey! Is there really a Dragon Ball all the way out here? You be quiet! The Dragon Radar says it's here so it's here! What a snob! If I had known she'd make me be her personal chauffeur...! the Dragon Ball is mine! I bet Commander Red'll be just as ecstatic! General! There are Dragon Balls approaching! What? ! What was that? What happened? Hey! What do you think you're doing? ! Welcome to Muscle Tower! but hand over your Dragon Balls. I know that you have them. You're the Red Ribbon Army! The Red Ribbon Army? The Red Ribbon Army famous for its cruelty? ! I've heard all kinds of rumors about you! You've got a totally horrible reputation! then this shouldn't take long at all. Hand over the Dragon Balls. Like I would ever give anything to the Red Ribbon Army! Son-kun! Please! Beat them up! There. Alright. Pipsqueak! Get 'em! Get 'em! Take care of those stupid robots! Nyoibou! go! you're huge! You did well to come this far. But can you get past me? Not there... Where did he go? Here I am! Here I come! Jan-ken Rock! I never expected Metallic to be beaten... But there are still plenty of other perils in Muscle Tower. Come and get me! That is if you can defeat all the robots on your way up! Oops... I'm here! Yamucha-sama... I don't think jet scooters are suited for cold regions... I don't think so either. Let's put the pursuit on hold for a bit and get some rest. Right. Sorry to crowd your home. I have no choice but to bring out my ultimate weapon! Stop! Number 8! Take care of the brat! Kill him! That's it! Crush him like a bug! No more. What? What are you doing? ! Finish him off now! No. Killing living things is bad. I hate bad things. What foolishness is this? ! Fight him this instant! Exterminate him! you worthless piece of junk! you stupid android! No. "No"? Don't give me "no"! It was the Red Ribbon Army who built you! I cannot. I am sorry. then I'll blast you into smithereens! We installed a bomb inside your body. you'll do as I say. I cannot do bad things. You're a complete failure! So now I'll blow you up since that's what you want! Ready to die? Die! Nyoibou! Thank you for saving me! I am happy! You should've beaten them up by yourself! Fighting is bad. I hate fighting. Really? What is your name? Me? I'm Son Goku! What about you? I have no name. I was referred to as Android #8. Something-or-other #8... That's complicated... It's a pain to say so I'll just call you Ha-chan! ("Hachi" = 8) Ha-chan? It's a lot easier to say your name now! Ha-chan! Ha-chan! Ha-chan! Ha-chan... I like it! Goku! It's time to leave! With this 7-Star Ball that makes 5 now... Ha-chan! Why don't you come with us? Eh? Thank you. But I will stay here. How come? I must take these people to the authorities. I also must take care of Muscle Tower. Oh. Later then. Son-kun! Okay! Bye! Your face is all white! Was that funny? then! Why you...! Goku! Bull's-eye! Ha-chan! Missed me! come on now! It's all over! What the heck was... Oolong! What on earth are you doing? ! But there was a sea turtle... you! Sea turtle! Sea turtle? In these mountains? The truth is... I... I'm Umigame. I think that's pretty obvious. and in doing so I inadvertently strayed from the others. I have been wandering for the past year in search of the ocean. what's an ocean? you're way too softhearted. In my opinion the Dragon Balls are much more important than Umigame! I'm sorry... What? ! Muscle Tower has fallen? ! And the Dragon Ball? Someone took it... Damn it! Black! I told you not to stand next to me! Please forgive me. That way you can't tell my size. Forgive me. now! Awesome! What a gigantic river! We did it! It's the ocean! It's all ocean! obviously! You live in a really big place! I am very grateful. Thank you. It would be nice if you appreciated our help a little more than that. hey! a gift's better than words! right! Of course! All right! Please wait here for a short while. Huh? Wait here? So you're going to take us to Atlantis? I will go get your present and bring it back. I see. I guess you could do that. How long is "a short while"? I will return tomorrow morning. Bye! Goodbye for now. Tell the Sea Princess hi for me! We don't need any Pandora's Boxes! That hurts... And you're too loud... It reminds me of when I used to sleep in my Grandpa's lap! I guess I'll try it again. It's different than Grandpa's... Huh? Huh? What's the matter? ! What happened? ! Your balls are gone! Peepee too! The balls? ! What are you talking about? They're all right here. Now I'm completely awake. I guess I'll take a walk along the beach! Bulma? - What's going on? wow! What could that be? Sorry for the wait. Hello! A gaudy old man? No lovemaking with the Sea Princess? I hear you rescued Umigame. I'm the Turtle Hermit! Some call me Muten Roshi! I thank you! I've a wonderful present for you! Boy! Isn't that the Nyoibou on your back? That's right. My grandpa gave it to me. Your grandfather? Does that mean your grandfather's name was Son Gohan? Old-timer? he was my #1 pupil! Really? Um... What's the present? The present? that's right! immortal Phoenix! Nothing's coming. Come on! Turtle Hermit-sama. The Phoenix died of food poisoning last year. now that you mention it... Even though it was immortal? but... Very well! In that case...! Kinto Un! What is that cloud? ! This is a Kinto Un! I'm giving it to you! How do you eat it? Don't be eating this prized cloud! Listen! If you ride the Kinto Un you can fly freely through the sky! I can fly in the sky? huh? you can't ride on it unless you possess a pure heart. A pure heart? you can't ride it unless you're a good person. watch me get on it! Ouch! Now that isn't right! What happened? Ow... I'll get on it this time! You can't. He said you can't ride it unless you're a good person. What are you talking about? I'm always pure and honest! Why can't I ride it? Is being too beautiful a sin? My turn next! Forget about it. It's pretty obvious what'll happen. I'd even bet my life on it! You don't have to be so nasty about it. then I'll try getting on! Yay! I'm riding it! How awkward for me...! Kinto Un! That looks so fun... Goku sure is lucky... He handles the cloud rather well! I knew Goku-san would be able to ride it! Ugh. Hey! Let me see that! isn't it? I picked it up a while ago. Oh my god! It's the 3-Star Ball! check it out! It's a Dragon Ball! The 3-Star Ball! Is it worth a lot? They say that if you collect all 7 Dragon Balls a dragon appears to grant any wish you want. Is that so? Did you hear that? Yes! It was worth suffering so much to follow them this far! I yearn to be married! OK! I'll collect all those Dragon Ball things and make it so I can keep my cool in front of girls! Yamucha-sama... So you like girls... Please? Come on... but on one condition... On one condition? Show me your panties! My panties? ! a little peek... Panties? Count me in! this isn't becoming of you. Shut up! Can't hermits feel the need to look at girls' panties too sometimes? ! Alright. It's for the Dragon Ball. I'll do my best. Tadah! How embarrassing... please take this ball! I insist! That makes 6 now! Son-kun! Oolong! Only 1 left! Let's go look for the last Dragon Ball! - What's gotten into you? - We need to have a serious talk. We need to shake things up a bit and- This is just the latest in a series of freak accidents. - Well, just a freak accident, everybody. - Damn you, Warren! All those years working to put you through med school, and for what? What we just witnessed was almost assault and battery. - Oh! - This is marvelous! Mr. Steele, I just had a consciousness-raising experience. Oh, good Lord. You've gone over too. I got it. I'm Dr. Neil Brimsley. Now, uh, probably some of you know me from television as "The Snuggle Man. " Well, welcome to the Sensitivity Spa... where, as the great Karl Freidlich used to say... we put the capital "Y"... back into the word "You. " Soft. Gentle. Close your eyes... and feel the very core of your being... passing through your fingertips... to your soul mate's pressure points... freeing both your minds... of life's superficial tensions. - Yes? - Oh, yes. The primal shriek is the cornerstone to the Freidlich approach... of creating a tensionless state of being. Again! Much better! Now - Now, relax. Relax. And let's see if we can get in touch with our primal emotions. Very good, Melanie. That's outstanding. Now, Melanie, if I can just have your attention - Melanie! Oh, my God.! "You Can Be Better Than Okay. " It's their latest best-seller, chief. Twelve weeks at the top and still going strong. - It's nice to have an appreciative audience. - Are you kidding? I've been a big fan of you two since Winning Through Divorce. It's our first book together. You know, you look a little shorter than you did on Merv last week. Thank you, Mildred. Now, why don't you bring us some coffee? Oh, well, we're all out. - Buy some. - Oh. Gerald has something that he feels is terribly important... that he'd like to share with you. Several days ago at the spa... I was the victim of a freak accident on the way to the hot tub. - Uh, "the spa"? - The Freidlich Sensitivity Spa, north of Malibu? Oh. It was founded by Sonia's first husband... the great Karl Freidlich, my mentor. Since Karl's death, we have been carrying on his Human Encounters Workshop. Tell us about the accident. An outdoor heater somehow toppled over and knocked me unconscious. It - It was awful. He might have drowned. Naturally, I tried to rationalize it as a... random accident. - But? - The disturbing truth is... this is just the latest in a series of freak accidents. And Gerald feels that somehow all these accidents are connected. An outbreak of food poisoning... a fire in a janitor's closet... a short circuit in a light switch... that shocked one of our guests so badly we had to call the paramedics. The local authorities- did they investigate? Yes, but not as industriously as the state licensing board. This arrived this morning... notifying us that the spa was on probation... pending a full investigation. How they found out about it, I do not know. Do you have any ideas why anyone would want to bring either of you harm? Not a one. But you can appreciate the fact that if the state doesn't renew our license to operate... we're out of business. Would you excuse us for just a moment, please? Ah, Miss Holt. Won't be a jiffy. - It's in the bag. - What are you talking about? The Golden Dugout baseball caper- a series of accidents... perpetrated by one guest out to kill another within the confines of a resort... - dedicated to the overprivileged. - Uh, excuse me. I don't mean to intrude, but, uh, we're on rather a tight schedule. Mr. Steele was just pointing out a fascinating parallel... to one of his previous investigations. Eh, successfully concluded, I might add... when the culprit turned out to be one guest out to kill another... through a subterfuge of random mishaps. - Impossible. - No, no. All the accidents took place weeks apart. There was a different encounter group in residence every time. - Nevertheless, the intrinsic similarities here- - What about the staff? Perhaps someone is trying to jeopardize the spa out of professional jealousy. I'm sorry. I can't buy into that. We're like a family. Well, if my Italian history serves me well, so were the Borgias. Yes, I can see where you're coming from. Anything's possible. Will you take the case, Mr. Steele? I think that's- Assuming we can move about the spa freely without compromising our investigation. Hmm. I couldn't have said it better myself. That should be no problem. What is the name of my book? Snuggle Up To Reality. Well, what are you people waiting for? Let's snuggle! Warren Spriggs, M.D., Brentwood, California. Ursula, touching and feeling. Judy Fulton, San Jose. Arthur Henderson, associate director of the spa. - Ralph Fulton. Some setup you got here, Arthur. - Thank you, Ralph. Dolores Spriggs, plain old housewife. I like you, Dolores. Come on.! Let's put some pizzazz into those snuggles.! - Oh! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi. I'm Neil. - Laura Blaine. - All right, Laura. Huh? Uh, Richard Blaine. I'm with her. Well, loosen up, guy. Huh? Huh? - Yeah. - Yeah. Attaboy. Now, snuggle, baby. Snuggle. All right. Come on. Go on. - Hi! - Oh, yes - Ooh. Ooh. Oh! I'm Nancy Hughes from Encino. Oh, hi, Nancy. I - I'm Richard Blaine. Oh, and how long have you been married, Richard? - Oh, uh, we're actually quite new at this really. - Mmm. Gordon Hughes. I just hope that you two will end up as happy as we've been after 12 years. Oh. Thank you. Smile, darling. What's the matter with you? Come on, Laura. You can't take this tripe seriously. It just so happens that last night... I read You Can Be Better Than Okay... and it has some very good ideas in it. - Such as? - You should read it yourself. It might improve your attitude towards relationships. Any relationship in particular? Listen, I wasn't aware that my attitude needed improvement. - What is it? What is it? What's wrong? What's wrong? - Wrong? - Yes. - Oh, the screaming. - Right. - I was just externalizing my core of pain. I'm Maxine Gilroy. I teach primal shriek. Ah, Laura Blaine and, uh, Richard Blaine. Then we can presume you were just having a healthy go at it. Exactly. It's the only way I can cope with the reality of leaving the spa next week. - You're leaving? - I can't take it anymore. - Not what they're doing to this place. - Who? Gerald and Sonia Steinmetz, Brimsley, Henderson- all of them. With their shallow interviews, their- their frothy books... they are prostituting the name of the most brilliant man in the world! Karl Freidlich. The kindest, wisest man I ever knew. He was so totally in touch with his feelings. I was devastated when he died, but I vowed I'd continue his work. And now, after eight years of sacrifice... I couldn't care less if this place just burned to the ground. It's money. It's money. That's all they care about. Every one of them. The mental health of an entire nation be damned! Sweetheart, our sensitivity seminar. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yes, indeed. Yes. Ah, bless you, Maxine, for sharing that with us. Really. Yeah. Prime suspect. Primal, I'd say. For our first exercise... I want you all to think only... of your mate's most wonderful... and endearing qualities- qualities that brought you together... hopefully, with our help... for a lifetime. Now, I want you to write your mate a letter... listing those qualities one by one. Then I want you to find... a quiet and peaceful place... to exchange those letters. - Any questions? - Yes. I think I'm going to need a second sheet of paper. What if you can't remember? Well, it was a long time ago, Warren- when I was working to put you through med school? I respect you for your honesty, Dolores. And you should too, Warren. The secret is to relax... and try to forget all of the superficial baggage... we each carry into every relationship. That is the whole idea behind this exercise- to get down to the nitty-gritty. - What are you doing? - Checking the wiring. A guest was nearly electrocuted here. Aren't you going to show me your letter? - Uh, Laura, I was trying to maintain our cover. - So I don't get to see it? It's merely a list of things that we should be investigating... like the hot tub where Gerald had his accident... the maintenance closet that burned down, Maxine, the screamer. Really, you should get your mind back on the case and off these sophomoric exercises. Perhaps they wouldn't seem so sophomoric if you took them more seriously. Does this have something to do with my attitude problem again? You see? You're always hiding behind flip remarks. I'm not hiding behind anything! If anyone's hiding in this relationship, it's you. - Hi there, Richard. - Hi. - Laura. How we doing? - Oh, just getting down to the nitty-gritty. I don't see any letters being exchanged. - Here's my letter. - Oh, well. You know Richard. He's such a tease. She's such an incurable romantic. How truly lovely. - Yes. - Yes. Well, I'm sure you two want to be alone. - Yes. Good-bye now. Bye-bye. - Yes. Bye. Let me have the letter. Laura. This isn't a list of leads. You were doing the exercise. - Laura, I was just doodling. - This is a list of my best qualities. Well dressed? Well, certainly compared to Mildred. - Frugal? - An underestimated virtue. That's like saying I'm kind to furry animals. Um, I believe you'll find that's number four on the list. I was writing down how I really feel, but you're not going to see it. Laura, what are you doing? We're undercover. Does that mean we can't explore our feelings at the same time? The perfect place to explore our feelings will be on a moonlit beach in Maui. Of course. You only want to talk about things when you've got me in a clinch. Who said anything about talking? Perfect. I'm trying to have a serious conversation, and you're making adolescent passes. - Laura, what's gotten into you? - Our relationship has been on hold for too long. We need to have a serious talk. We need to shake things up a bit and see what happens. It could have been us. Are you all right? Luckily the gazebo caught a ledge on the way down. What happened? When I looked in, you two were doing so well. Obviously, the earth moved for both of us. - You could have got killed. - The thought did occur. Well, just a freak accident, everybody. These cliffs can be a bit unstable sometimes. Absolutely right, Arthur. A part of the Southern California folklore. Along with the brushfires, the earthquakes. Come along. Um, I don't mean to be an alarmist, but that was no accident. Are you sure? I - I mean, we've had a lot of erosion problems. Over here.! Look, the ground is soaked. I'm not surprised. There's enough water here to destabilize an entire hillside. Where's it coming from? There's your problem right here. Water's been blowing out of the relief valve all night long. Ethan, we can see that. Don't look at me. It was fine yesterday evening when I stopped by to add some chemicals. Course, anybody could've gotten in here. The caretaker? Ethan Deerfield- been with us for years. - The panel wasn't locked? - I didn't know it should've been. Arthur, I thought I told you two months ago... that anything that could be tampered with should be put under lock and key. If I'm personally to see to it that every bit of equipment is locked up... where will I find the time to teach and schedule my staff? Arthur, you are the associate director. You are paid to take care of these things. I don't care where you find the time. Okay. Fine. I'll look into it right away. I'm sure somebody else can take my next class. Out of my way, Brimsley! Thank you. I don't believe it. Darling, what is it? The licensing bureau. They know all about the landslide, in detail. Any idea who notified them? They wouldn't share that with me. All I know is our license renewal is officially on hold... until a special investigator gets here to make a report. Thanks to that incompetent, Arthur Henderson. Now, now, sweetheart. Be fair. Henderson's only human. If somebody wants to shut us down... they'll find a way to do it no matter who's in charge. Fools. We were fools. I knew we should've promoted Neil Brimsley. Brimsley? Both he and Henderson were up for the post of associate director. - Ah. - Henderson was better qualified. - Seems the seeds of discontent are sprouting up in bunches. - I beg your pardon? Two highly intense gentlemen competing for the same job... in an industry fraught with professional jealousies is a bit- Oh, no. Not here at the spa. Neil and Arthur know we could never tolerate that sort of destructive behavior. Learning to cope is the crux of the Freidlich system. And Maxine Gilroy? What's her story? Why didn't you tell us that she's leaving at the end of this session, hmm? Is that important? It is when she openly wants the spa to be burned to the ground. Poor Maxine. Fantasizing, as usual. The clinical truth is she just can't cope with societal change. Oh-oh. Time to go. I'll fill you in on Maxine on our way to your next encounter group. And what's next on the schedule? Everybody's favorite- latent hostility. - Oh, shut up, Brimsley! - Yeah, well, who is gonna make me, Henderson? It wouldn't surprise me if you were behind those accidents just to make me look bad. - You are deluded.! - Well, you're psychotic. I'll tell you- if I walk into your classroom again, you keep your hands off me! Oh, yeah? Well, you walk into my classroom... you are gonna get snuggled like everybody else. - Snuggle Up To Reality. Give me a break. - Yeah. Snuggle up to the best-seller list- That's all you've got on your mind. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you snuggle up to this! Go ahead! Hit me. Ruin your career. I'd love it. You are not worth it! - He was going to punch him. - Exactly. Exactly? Good grief, man! Aren't you a bit upset? - Upset? - Mmm. What you just witnessed was something beautiful. What we just witnessed was almost assault and battery! To your layman's point of view perhaps. What I saw were two men... honestly exploring their true feelings about each other... openly, withholding nothing. That's what this place is all about. Damn you, Warren! All those years working to put you through med school, and for what? - Good. Let it all out. - A slave! That's all you wanted! To keep your house and raise your kids. - The hell with any identity of my own! - What about you? Always complaining. Never there when I need you! Headaches every night. - Wonderful, Warren. - I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I- I love you. A perfect example of how the Bataca... can be an invaluable tool... in turning bitter, bitter hostility into feeling good about each other, hmm? Now, who wants to be next? - The Blaines. - Hmm? Now, Richard, somehow I get the feeling... that you don't buy into the Freidlich theory... that hostility is, indeed, the soul mate to intimacy. Oh, to the contrary... I've often felt quite hostile towards my lovely partner here. Then let's stop procrastinating and let's get exacerbating! - I don't think- - Wonderful idea. Now, I want you to tell Richard... what's going through your mind. Okay. Um- I wonder why he has so much trouble... discussing our relationship. Laura, Laura, Laura. Now, you're going to have to get rid of those kid gloves. Now, tell Richard exactly what it is about him... that's eating at your gut. I don't know how he expects to advance our relationship... if he, uh, doesn't tell me how he feels. That's an excellent point. It's also, if you'll pardon the expression, a crock! Do I detect a trace of annoyance here, Richard? My... wife... obviously has problems dealing with reality. - Ha! - And what is the reality? That I've been trying to advance this relationship for quite some time now. - Do you buy into that, Laura? - I most certainly do not. The only advancement he's talking about is into the bedroom. I want more than a roll in the hay. Oh-ho! I see. So we're back to that again, are we, Laura? I mean, aren't you tired with all these old arguments? Or is it the settings that make them different? London, Acapulco, Cannes. - Show us how you really feel. - Shut up. You stay out of this. Wonderful. Mm-hmm. You want to talk all the time because you're afraid to do anything else. You're the one who's afraid! You're afraid of being pinned down, afraid of staying in the same place! - Oh, we're with you, Laura! - You! You want to have complete control. That's why! Let all that bile out, Richard. Tell it like it really is. You feel compelled to dominate me physically... because deep down you're intimidated by any woman who has half a brain in her head! Half a brain is right! The only half you use is for thinking! What about the half for feeling? That's the part that I'm interested in! The only part you're interested in is a little lower than the brain! - That's the way, Laura! - Give it to her, Richard. How many more tests do I have to pass? How many more tiny little trials do I have to go through to show my commitment? - You don't know the meaning of the word! - Oh! - This is marvelous! - What are you talking about? What do you think I've been doing? What do you think I've been going through for the last three and a half years? - Don't you think that's a commitment? - A commitment needs words! - What about deeds? - What about words? You'll never be satisfied, Laura, because you're living in the past! I'm not your father! I'm not the man who left your mother! You leave my family out of this. Why? They're the ones standing between us! The only one standing between us is you! No, it isn't! It's you! It's you and your bloody little inhibitions! That's what it is. I mean, what do I have to do to get through to you? More than a wink and a tumble! You are the most ridiculous woman that I have ever met! - Then get out of here! What are you waiting for? - That's a damn good question. Go on! Get out! I was better off without you anyway! You mean that, don't you? Of course she does. Don't worry, Laura. They always come back. Do they? I'm sorry. - I got a bit carried away. - Mm-hmm. When in Rome, eh? I didn't mean what I said. At least I didn't mean it to come out like that. Let's just stick to the case, shall we? - We have to air things out between us. - I thought we just did. - Would you just look at me? - Shh. Shh. Shh. - You see, there you go again. You never want to talk! - No, no, Laura. Look. Gerald and Ursula? Looks like there's more here than meets the id. Huh. Listen, Mildred, I want you to- What? The living arrangements? They're very comfortable. Now, look, Mildred- Huh? Yes, Mildred, Mr. Blaine is with me. No, Mildred, you're not interrupting us. Now, get that pencil and pad ready. I've got one more staff member I want checked out. A caretaker by the name of Ethan Deerfield. Right. Right. Police, hall of records- the works. Uh-huh. Thank you. Sweet dreams to you and yours too, Mildred. Sometimes I think Mildred would be happier working for the National Enquirer. You still mad? Just concentrating on the case. After all, we saw our client locked in an embrace with Ursula... the queen of touching and feeling. Well, there's not much we can do about that until morning. Listen, about this afternoon- I suggest we get a good night's sleep. After all, we've got a long day tomorrow. Fine. - Good night. - Good night. Mr. Steele? Ah, Gerald. Beautiful morning for getting in touch with one's inner core, eh? - Care to join me for a hot tub? - Hmm? No, no, thanks. The investigation. We, uh- We might be onto something. - You've got a lead? - I don't know. You tell me. Gerald, if Miss Holt and I are gonna solve this case... we're gonna have to have all the facts. I gave you all the facts. Including your affair with Ursula Erickson? Ah. You know. The price you pay for hiring Remington Steele Investigations. Listen, uh, it's not what it seems. - I love Sonia, but- - But? Funny. I'm a clinical psychologist with 20 years of experience... but when the shoe's on my own foot- You and Sonia having problems? No. I - I mean, not professionally. That's why I didn't mention it. Our commitment to the spa is built on a bedrock of love and devotion. As for our personal life, Sonia and I- I haven't touched her in months. Now with our license in jeopardy- I want it to work, but Sonia- It's obvious her work is more important to her than our marriage. Ursula? A sweet, undemanding friend... who, unlike Sonia... understands my all-too-human frailties. - No strings attached, eh? - Exactly. Oh, listen, please. - Understand that's not what I want. - I do. I want it to work with Sonia, but- If Sonia ever left me, I don't know what I'd do. Well, if you'll forgive me... I've got a lot of mellowing out to do. Well, we're up early this morning. Lumpy couch. Besides, I thought it was time... we checked out this maintenance closet that burned down last month. Mildred just called about Ethan Deerfield, the caretaker. Oh? Apparently he had some brushes with the law several years ago- car theft, assault and battery... nasty little things like that. - Hmm. Interesting. - It gets better. Guess who owned all this acreage... before it was auctioned off to Karl Freidlich for back taxes in 1968... for a paltry $75,000? Ethan? Close. Ethan's father. Hmm. With oceanfront property now at astronomical prices... Ethan's family would have been millionaires by now... had they been able to hold on to this land. Hmm. How 'bout you? Any luck? To a degree. Have a look at this. See this fine ash here? This is where the fire burned hottest... which means it started here... as opposed to the wiring, where everyone else thought. - An incendiary device? - Nothing too complicated, mind you. All you need is a workbench, couple of tools. And a key to this closet. Time to check Ethan out, wouldn't you say? I understand you have to pursue every lead, Miss Holt, but Ethan? It seems so ludicrous. Are you aware he has a police record... which indicates a tendency toward criminal behavior? Well, of course I am. But who could blame him? After his father lost the property, he took to drinking. He eventually died a broken man. Ethan was devastated. He struck back at society the only way he could- by getting into trouble. And today? Are you sure Ethan still doesn't bear you and the spa any ill will? Oh, totally. The whole affair sent Gerald and I on such a guilt trip... that we offered Ethan a job at the spa. That was eight years ago. He's been like a son to us ever since. You understand we have to look around just to be sure. Anybody with direct access to the scene of all five accidents has to be a suspect. I suppose. It just makes me feel like such a snoop. I don't know how you people handle it. - The only way we can-with discretion. - I appreciate that. In the meantime, if you'll excuse me, I ought to put in a call to our lawyer... to see what legal recourse we have in case we do get shut down. - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. Thanks. What do you think? Hard to tell. Vengeance is a powerful emotion. Emotions seem to be the order of the day, don't they? A guy wire. Hmm? The heater that fell over and nearly killed Gerald? He said no one could find the defective guy wire. Looks like we're both onto something. Have a look at this. What is it? Along with your guy wire... our passport back to the world of the blissfully neurotic. One shiny relief valve wheel comes off- just like the old one apparently did- saturating the soil under the gazebo, and presto! On goes this old chlorine-bleached one... that we found hidden away in Ethan's toolbox. The relief valve wheel, the guy wire- has to be Ethan. - But- - No buts, Laura. For once, let's have a simple, open-and-shut investigation. But if Ethan's motive is vengeance... why now, after all this time? Hamlet. Laurence Olivier, Jean Simmons. J. Arthur Rank, 1948. A son sworn to avenge his father suddenly explodes like a time bomb. Somebody's still inside! By the water heater! Somebody call the fire department! It looks like we found our man. Dead to rights. Looks like Ethan was trying to bypass the automatic cutoff sensor. It certainly tracks. Ethan, driven by a perverted sense of vengeance... was setting up another accident when it backfired on him... figuratively and literally. Unless Ethan was lured into the sauna... perhaps under a false pretext. - What are you talking about? - Well, look for yourself. I mean, what self-respecting handyman would tackle a coupling nut without his toolbox? Or at least a wrench anyway. But if it wasn't Ethan... who else could possibly want to close down the spa? Which brings us full circle... right back to Brimsley, doesn't it? A man so obsessed by his own jealousy... that he'll stop at nothing to destroy his nemesis, Arthur Henderson. A rather distant long shot, wouldn't you say, Mr. Steele? Oh. Well, the question is... who would profit by putting the spa out of business? Gerald and Sonia could benefit by selling off the property, but- Wrong. I'm sorry. I have a terrible habit of free-associating. No, no, Maxine. Please, go on. It's just that Sonia and Gerald couldn't make a nickel off this place... even if they wanted to, thank God. - Why not? - Because Karl Freidlich was too smart for them. In his will, he formed a trust to operate the spa for eternity. Sonia's allowed to run this place, but she can't sell it. Ah. The good Dr. Freidlich's last grasp at immortality. - Very clever. - Clever? No, Mr. Blaine. Just warm, human, decent... with a burning desire to make this world a better place. If he only knew what they were doing to his weltanschauung- Oh! Why does that woman make the thought of screaming seem so appealing? Mr. Steele, I just had a consciousness-raising experience. Oh, good Lord. You've gone over too. - You're beginning to sound like the rest of them. - How 'bout, "I got it"? Hello. - Good news. - What? - Mr. Steele and I just spoke with the state licensing board. - The licensing board? We thought it imperative that they know the facts about Ethan... so we intervened on your behalf with the help of one of our clients in Sacramento. - Well, yes. What's the good news? - Simple and to the point. The Sensitivity Spa is off the hook now that we have certified... that Ethan was the lone culprit responsible for all the accidents. Do you mean that our license will be renewed? As of this moment, you are back in business. - I don't believe it. - Yahoo! Oh, the spirit of Karl Freidlich lives! It's too good to believe. Well, I better get back to my packing. Oh. Go take your soak. - How 'bout coming with me? - I'll be here when you get back. Ah, that's far enough, thank you! Hello, Sonia. Lovely evening to soak away one's cares, eh? Steady. Steady. No! You're dead! I saw you die! Look again, Sonia. Gerald was kind enough to trade robes with me to confirm our suspicions. Why, Sonia? Why? Because I'm sick of being sensitive! I'm sick of you... and sick of being trapped here with a bunch of middle-class yuppies... who have nothing better to do with their money than come here and listen to you babble! But our work? Your work, Gerald, not mine. Six months ago, in Cleveland... while we were waiting to make yet another... local television appearance... it suddenly occurred to me that I had spent my entire life... trying to help other people. Well, I decided it was time to help myself. But all the love and care that went into You Can Be Better Than Okay. Wise up, Gerald. When you're sitting on land worth $6.5 million... and you can't do anything about it... you're worse than okay. They're finally through with their questioning. Poor Gerald. I can't believe it. - It doesn't make any sense. - How could Sonia do it? Save The Tiger. Jack Lemmon, Jack Gilford. Paramount, 1972. A factory owner, trapped in a losing business venture... decides the only way out is arson, thus profiting from the insurance money. Only in Sonia's case, it was a matter of inducing the state licensing board... to close down the spa... so that the conditions of Karl Freidlich's trust would no longer apply- even if it meant murdering her own husband. According to a loophole in Freidlich's will... if the spa went out of business, Sonia inherited the land to do with as she pleased. What about Ethan? Ah, yes, Ethan, Sonia's partner in crime. - Partner? - Ex-partner actually. Sonia, playing on his bitterness... offered him a cool quarter mil from the proceeds of the land sale... if he did all the dirty work. Unfortunately for Ethan, though... he decided he had enough on Sonia to insist on a 50-50 split. So Sonia lured him into the sauna and triggered the explosion... - making it look like an accident. - Mm-hmm. And very cleverly planted incriminating evidence in Ethan's cabin... for our benefit, of course. Thereby taking her off the hook forever... leaving her free to join the ranks of the idle rich. Poor Gerald. To be married to such a diabolical woman. Hmm. If only she had snuggled more. Well, Neil, what can I say, mate? Keep up the good work. Who knows? Someday you may be running this place. Well, thank you. In the meantime, of course, Arthur here will be executive director... busy traveling up and down the country... hobnobbing with Jane Pauley, Merv Griffin. Meanwhile, the rest of the staff will be getting back... to the unsullied simplicity of the Freidlich system, eh, Maxine? That's right. Now I can stay here and carry on Karl's work. Mmm. - Bye, Snuggles. - Come along, Mr. Steele. Ah. Was it necessary to stir them up like that? Well, a man's gotta have a little fun in life, Laura. Strange. In some ways, I'll be sorry to leave. - You are? - Yeah. You know, we could always delay a couple of hours... still be back in time for lunch. Yes. It does seem silly to rush back. Yeah. Let's. So... where are we? See? I'm talking again. This time, I'm the one who doesn't have anything to say. Were you really better off before you met me? Hmm? No. Life was easier though. Less interesting, but easier. Yeah. I know what you mean. Before... I didn't know where I'd be the next day or with whom. It didn't really matter though. I always liked it like that. But then it all changed the day I met you. Changed for the better? Oh, I don't know. Sometimes I've wondered about that. But... here we are. Yes. Uh, Laura... I know we both want- Whatever it is that we have between us, we want it to go forward. I think you're right. So- So how do we get there? Well, words don't come easy to me. Well, apparently not the ones you need to hear anyway. Well, it's hard to be a man of mystery... if you give all your secrets away. Where I come from, I learned to read people by what they did... not by what they said. There were too many traps in that. I understand. Listen, um... I took a stab at revising my letter. Remember the one where I had to put down your most endearing qualities? Well, uh- Here it is. Well, it's a beginning anyway. Hey? You don't understand, I never even been to college. How does the boss expect me to help you on this assignment? Mark, will you relax? The boss knows what he's doing. Relax? I mean, we're talking college here. Might be easy for you to play professor, you're an angel. But me, come on. It's all been taken care of. You're gonna be fine. Oh, boy. Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. The stuff, right? He's gonna give me the stuff. I should've known. No, no, no, Mark. I always wanted to go to college. But then, what the heck, why not just be a professor, huh? Professor Mark Gordon, that's got a nice ring to it, don't you think? Mark, you don't understand. Well, of course, I understand. Why wouldn't I understand? Excuse me, but you've got our only game ball. Your game ball? Yes, sir, you see first floor is behind by a touchdown, so they went for the long ball. Yeah, we can see that. Well, gotta go. We wanna finish this game before the new dorm monitor gets here. - Let's kick it over. - Do you believe that? They're playing football in there. I pity the poor guy that has to babysit this group. I mean, they don't need a dorm monitor, they need a policeman. How about an ex-policeman? From Oakland. No, Jonathan, wait a minute. You don't mean-- Yes, I do. I mean that. - The boss is making a mistake. - Don't say that. He doesn't make mistakes. You're gonna be fine, trust me. Trust you? Trust you? Last time you said that I wound up with the body of a woman. You know, you never looked better. Professor Gordon, your boys are waiting. We have to talk. Hey, football game upstairs, five minutes. Hey, I'll be up there. Excuse me, sir. If you're here to see your big brother you have to wait in the lobby. Sir, I don't have a big brother. Doesn't matter who, you gotta wait in the lobby. Now, we have rules about visitors. Sir, I'm not a visitor. I'm a student. I beg your pardon? My name's Christopher Gunn. I'm supposed to be staying in this dorm. Oh, yeah, Chris. Yeah, I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. You know, I thought you were a regular kid. Don't worry about it. I'm used to it. Mister...? I'm Mark Gordon, you can call me Mark. Well, come on, I'll show you where you're gonna bunk. Hike. Come on, you guys, time-out, huh? We got the Super Bowl here. Here we go. What can I do for you? Danny, I'm Mark Gordon, the new dorm monitor. This is Christopher Gunn, he's going to be your roommate this term. This is a joke, right? No, it's no joke. He's a freshman just like you are. A freshman? He's just a kid. Well, kid or no, he's gonna be your roommate. I'll see you later. Come on in. Get out of here. Your luggage came yesterday. I put it in your closet. Oh, thanks. You got the room fixed up pretty neat. Great pictures. Yeah. Yeah, it helps keep my mind focused on what I'm doing. I take it you play football. Yeah, I'm here on scholarship. Oh, that's great, so am I. I'm here for Western's computer programme. It's one of the best in the country. Oh, yeah? Computers, huh? I figured as much. Yeah, that's my major. What's yours? Football. I just play football. Danny? Does it bother you that I'm only 12? Well, you're not exactly who I had in mind for a roommate, but it could be worse. Nice meeting you too, Danny. What's this kid doing here? Hello, everybody. As you can see by your monitors I'm Professor Jonathan Smith and this is Computer Science 101. We're gonna start out this term by reinforcing our technical skills, then we're gonna move on to our goal of theory and laboratory application. Each one of you will be required to create a computer programme of your choice and then to complete that programme as part of your term paper. So before we begin I want each one of you to programme in your full name and then add a code name to identify your files. - Got you. - Got you. That was great. We do have to talk. Hey, Danny, we're gonna go over to the campus centre. - Check out the action. - No, I gotta hit the books. This psych class is something else. Danny, you're my man. I told you, I got psychology covered. Come on, let's go. Good man. No, I really have too much work, but hey, thanks for asking. Hey, Chris, your folks just called, they want you to give them a buzz. Oh, thanks. Hey, Mark, is it raining? Just in my room. What? Will you call your folks? Hello. - Dad? - Chris. Chris. Pam. Pam, get on the kitchen phone, it's Chris. Hi, son, how are you doing? Oh, pretty good, Dad. There's quite a difference from my high school. I bet. How's that computer class shaping up? Oh, fine. The professor seems to be real nice. Chris, honey, have you made any friends yet? Well, gee, Mom, with all the subjects I'm taking there isn't a whole lot of time for socializing yet. Remember to stay on top, you gotta sacrifice something. - Isn't that right, son? - Yeah, that's right, Dad. Is your roommate a nice boy? I mean, he's at least one person you can talk to? Yeah. Yeah, Danny's a real great guy. He's a big star on the football team, always got friends around. Oh, that's good to hear, honey. Remember, not too much running around. Like you said, you're carrying a big load, son. Yeah. I'll be careful not to. Listen, I have to get back. I've got a whole stack of books waiting for me. - Nice to talk to you, bye. - Goodbye, Chris. We love you. I love you too. Goodbye. Here you are, man. Psychology quiz notes. I told you I'd take care of you. Tim, I feel kind of weird using other people's notes. What are you talking about? This is all part of the game plan. Look, Danny, you're one of State's promising stars. That entitles you to certain privileges, like these notes. Danny, these are like study aids. I mean, it's no secret about what we go through. We practise every day until dark, then we miss two or three days a week to go play in an away game. Come on, you need these just to keep up. Danny, don't sweat it. I'm the varsity manager. It's my job to take care of business for you guys so you can just concentrate on football. Look, if you have any problems with your classes, let me know. Okay? - Okay. - That's my man. Oh, no, you don't. I suppose you find this humorous? Right on cue, the whole entire bus moons their drill team and their marching band. It was hysterical. It was perfect. The coach turned around-- Hi, guys, do you mind if I join you? Listen, kid, this is kind of a private party, you know? Oh, sure, no problem. No problem at all. You see some of that Dodger game? Chris. Hi, Mark. Professor Smith. Chris, help your self. Seats are kind of hard to come by out here. Well, I don't want to intrude. Oh, no, no. Come on, sit down. I gotta get back to the dorm, anyway, before somebody burns it down. Remember, Jonathan, I still want you to talk to you know who about you know what. You should've seen the coach's face. Kind of tough being the youngest man on campus, huh? Yes, sir, it sure is. That your roommate over there? Yeah. With some of his friends. Let me ask you something, Chris. Do you like it here? Hey, Western State's a great school. It's got one of the best computer courses in the country. You know that. That's not what I asked you. It's a lot harder here than it was in high school. I don't mean the classes. It's the atmosphere. I mean, before I just had tutors and very little contact with the other students. And I got to live at home. But here they treat me like some kind of- Freak? Yeah, like a freak. That's why you used it for your code name, huh? It's just the way I see myself, the way others see me. Chris, you didn't think you were gonna come here - and fit right in, did you? - I'm a college freshman. Who's 12 years old. Pal, you're gonna have to adapt to them, they don't have to adapt to you. You're right. Hey, remember the old expression? "When the going gets tough--" The tough go shopping? At least that's what my mom used to tell my dad, anyway. You really love working with those computers, huh? Yes, sir. Me and the machine, just one-on-one. And it doesn't know how old I am. Well, listen, if you ever want to get in any extra lab time, you be my guest. Gee, thanks. I'd like that. All right, then. Well, I gotta get going. I'll see you in class. Chris. You know what Tim said to you at lunch today? Oh, about you guys having a private party? Yeah. Yeah, listen, see Tim-- Thing is Tim has a real problem when it comes to you. Oh, gee, I never would've guessed that. Chris, some people have a little trouble relating to you and he just happens to be one of those people. Just him, huh? What's that mean? Well, I didn't notice you speaking up today. Chris, I'm just your roommate. Can we leave it at that, all right? I've got an away game, so this place is all yours. Okay? Danny? Have yourself a great game. Thanks. You're welcome. Hey, you guys, you're gonna be late. Show starts at 9:15. Hey, Chris, how you doing? Oh, great. It's Friday night, you're still studying? No. No, I just finished up. Say, if you're not busy later, I've got a chess board. Thanks, but I've got a previous commitment. I should be going, I'm late. Yeah, we'll play another time. You have a good time. - Okay, I will. See you. - See you. One, please. - How old are you? - Twelve. I'm sorry, but no one under 17 is admitted unless accompanied by an adult. All right, that's it, everybody. As you know, Monday's a free day so there won't be any classes. Have a nice long weekend. Looks like you didn't have too much success today, huh? I just can't concentrate. I couldn't even get access into the simple files. You're welcome to stay and try to work it out if you want. No, thanks. I have to catch a bus. Oh, you're going home for the long weekend, huh? You might say that. Let's see, you live in La Porte, don't you? Yes, I do. I'm going up to Clearview to fish this weekend. I could drop you off at your house, right on the way. Well, I'd appreciate that, but I don't want to put you out. No, it's no problem. I'll pick you up at the dorm about 4:30. Chris, when I said I'd enjoy the company I didn't realise you only talked every40 miles. I'm sorry, professor. My mind is a million miles away. You got troubles, huh? Professor, I'm not going home for a social visit. In fact, my parents don't even know I'm coming. I'm-- I'm going home to tell them I'm dropping out of Western State. - Good morning, Mr. Sunshine. - Morning. Hey, you're not mad at me because I was gone all weekend, are you? No, sis, I'm not. Well, something's got you moping around here. Why didn't you let us know you were coming? I mean, we could have planned to do something. There's Kimberly. We'll see you next trip home, okay? It's not fair. You've got a day off and so does Dad. Good morning, Chris. Morning. Kerry says you took the day off. Well, I kind of figured I deserved it. Plus, it gives me a chance to get caught up around here and spend a little more time with you. Still trying to get this old thing fired up again, huh? You know, you sound just like your mother. All this old thing needs is a little TLC. Dad, there's something that-- You know, I really think it's the carburettor. I never was able to fix it, but you always could. Now, help me out here. Sure. I see the problem. Yeah. There you go. That ought to do it. You know, Chris, it's times like these that I really miss you. I miss you too, Dad. - You know how really proud I am-- - No, Dad, please No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me finish, Chris. I mean-- You know, I never got a chance to go to college. A place like Western State. I mean it wasn't because I didn't have the grades, I did. It's just that, well, dollars were kind of hard to come by back then. So, here I am on down the road. All the guys that I went to school with, they got a chance to go on to a state university. Man, they just passed me by like that. But, you know, it's okay. Because my son is right up there with them now. And you were there five years before their kids ever thought of getting there. I mean, I'm so proud. Anyway, you-- You were gonna say something? It was nothing, Dad. Nothing at all. What did I tell you? A lot of tender-loving care. How you doing, Chris? Is this your school? Professor Smith. What are you doing here? I got back early so I dropped by your house. Your mom said you were out taking a walk. I wanted to see where I'd be going to school if I were normal. Chris, your intelligence is a gift. You treat it like some kind of a curse. Well, how else am I supposed to act? Professor, I'm 12 years old. I should be out in that yard playing ball. You tell your folks you were dropping out of school? No. I just can't do that to them. What are you gonna do now? I guess I'll go to the school where I'm supposed to belong. What happened to you? Oh, I got sandwiched between two linebackers, but I'll be okay. - So did you win? - Yeah, we killed them. Hey, gimpy. How's the knee feel? Hey, it's not bad. It throbs a little now and then. Dan, my man, have I got great news for you. Do the words "Sigma Phi" mean anything to you? - Yeah, a fraternity, right? - No, it's not a fraternity, Dan. It's the fraternity. It's the hottest house on campus. I got your name on their rush list. - You're kidding. - No. I got your name on there, too, kid. - Me? - Yeah, you. Why? - If you don't wanna be in a fraternity... - No, I do. - I just thought- - Hey, come on. You're Danny's roommate. What's good for him is good for you. Well, thanks.Thanks. So, what do we have to do, Tim? Show up for hell night. Give them a good showing, you're practically guaranteed to be voted in. - See you. - All right. And, Tim, thanks again. Hey, like I said, any friend of Danny's. - How's the den mother today? - Oh, just great. Great. First they dump water on me, then chocolate. - Today they put yogurt in my shoes. - Oh, well, at least it's healthy. Hey, Chris. Looks like you had a lot better day today. Yes, sir, it was great. And I'm feeling great. Well, that's good to hear. You gonna stop by, do a little extra lab time later? No, sir, I have to go to hell night. Hell night? What are you doing going to hell night? The Sigma Phi house wants me on their rush list. Can you believe that? Well, I've gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow. Good luck. I don't get it. First they treat him like a leper now they're gonna rush him for one of the hot fraternities. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. You smell like yogurt, you know that? And again and again and again. And again and again and again. - And again and again. - Doing fine. And again and again and again. - You're halfway there. - And again. And again and again and again. And again and again. It's on. Yeah, hello? Dad, it's me, Chris. No, nothing's wrong. Everything's right. Well, at least I think it is. Dad, I may be voted into the best fraternity on campus. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't ask you about it. But listen, I survived hell night. No, I feel great. Well, I just wanted to call and let you know, okay? Yeah. No, I won't slack off my work. I promise. I love you too. I'll call as soon as I know for sure. Bye. Man, I've been looking all over for you. Here, this is for you. - What's this? - It's your ticket to the big time, Dan. You are now a member of Sigma Phi. Hey, Tim, what about me? I don't know what to say, kid. You didn't make it. Hey there. Danny's not here. Actually, I came to talk to you. I feel really bad about what happened. Yeah, right, Tim. I'm serious, Chris. I thought you were a cinch to get in. Yeah, well, I didn't, so would you leave me alone, please? What if I told you there was still a chance to become a Sigma Phi? What are you talking about? Listen, right now Danny's grades are borderline. He's facing a really tough exam in history next week. Now, unless I can get him the answers to the test, he's gonna fail. That means he'd lose his eligibility to play football. So? I mean, what does it have to do with me? You're the computer whiz, right? Right? All you need to do is tap into Fish's test file, get me the answers. Are you crazy? No, I'm not. It would show us you had a lot of guts, Chris. In fact, I could guarantee that your membership would come up for another vote. This time you'd get in. Think about it. I think you'd make a great Sigma Phi. - Mr. Smith? - Oh, hi, Chris, how you doing? I thought I'd do a little lab time if it's all right. - Why sure. Go on, help yourself, son. - Thanks. Chris, you heard any more from that fraternity? Not yet. But it looks pretty good. Really? What did you have to do to get in? The usual. You know. Lots of raw eggs and stuff. Is that all? Yeah. Yeah, that's all. Well, I'm all through for the night. Keep working if you'd like. Yes, sir, I would. Okay, make sure you lock up when you leave. I will. Good night, son. - Professor Smith. Professor Smith. - Yes, sir? Glad I ran into you. I've uncovered a major rules violation. I may need your help. - Certainly. - That's Danny Houser's test paper. As you can see, missed almost every question. What's unusual about that? I mean, history's not his best course. True. But look at this. That's the answer key for the final exam. He would have gotten every question correct. Look at that. Apparently they made a mistake, printed the wrong test. Now I'd like for you to help me find out who did it. I'll do what I can, sir. Thank you, thank you. Who do you think could've done it? Who's the computer whiz in my class? - Chris? - Yeah, Chris. How could somebody that smart make that mistake and take the wrong test? He wouldn't. I'll see you later. You stupid jerk. You know, you really screwed me up, Chris. I just got a call from Fish. He wants to see me. He told me I missed every question on that exam. God. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, I can't play football anymore this year. God, you are some kind of genius all right. You got me the answers. You got me the answers that go to a whole different test. I gave you the wrong answers on purpose, Danny. You what? Damn it, did you hear what I just said? I can't play football anymore. So what? It'll give you more time to hang around those stupid frat rats you like so much. - Shut up. - That's it, Danny. Go ahead, hit me. Hit me. It's no worse than anything else you've been doing. - What are you talking about? - Oh, come on, Danny. The whole time I've been here I've been nothing but a joke to you guys. You, Tim, Brad, everybody. "Let's have some fun with the freak. Get him to think he's accepted, then go and dump on him." Oh, but then you guys make up for it. "Just get some test answers and you'll be one of the guys." Well, I don't need it. Do you hear me, Danny? I don't need it. Look, Chris. Danny, the professor will see you now. How you doing, Chris? Oh, fine. Just fine. I just came from a meeting between Danny and Professor Fish. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Tell you, that Danny's really a good friend of yours. Friend? Professor, I'm afraid you don't know Danny very well. This computer's more of a friend than he'll ever be. Oh, really? Why don't you ask that plastic friend of yours to give up a college scholarship. What? Professor Fish offered Danny a second chance if he'd tell him who gave him the test answers. He wouldn't do it, so now he's out. But Danny just said he'd be ineligible, not lose his scholarship. Well, he was wrong. But then again, so were you, Chris. If you knew it was me, why didn't you tell Professor Fish? Because I was hoping you'd do that. Mr. Gunn, there is no room for negotiation here. - But I think there is. - Well, you're wrong, young man. I gave Danny a chance. He didn't take it. Sir, I know who tapped into your test files. You do? Tell me who it was. I will, but only if you agree to reinstate Danny Houser's scholarship. That is blackmail. If you'll excuse me, professor, but I believe that's the same chance you gave Danny. All right, I'll tear up the violation report if you give me the name of this cheater. It was me. I stole the test answers. Oh, Mr. Gunn. You do realise you'll be dismissed for that infraction? I know. All right, you can--You can go now. Of all the professors here, I thought you'd be the one who'd understand what that boy's going through. I'm afraid I don't follow you, sir. Oh, come on, Warren. You were a child prodigy. You know that boy didn't take those answers so he could cheat. He did it because he was hurt and he wanted to strike back. - At who? - At Danny, at anybody. He so desperately wants to feel like he belongs here. But he does. The boy is a genius. He's intellectually superior to practically everyone in this institution. Warren, that's just the point. He's a boy. He's a 12-year-old boy who's forced to try to live like a man because God gave him superior intelligence. Give him a chance. I can't. I'm sorry. Rules are rules. Oh, Warren, by the way, let me ask you something. Did Alice Townsend ever thank you for getting the test answers for her in biology40 years ago so she could pass? How did you know that? She told me. You know Alice? Yeah, she's an old friend of mine. What a small world. Alice Townsend. How does she look? Just as lovely as she did when she was 19 and you were 13. I thought you'd understand what it was like for a boy to live like a man. No, no, that was different. The only thing different, Warren, was you didn't get caught. Yeah, well... All right, tell the boy he has another chance. Okay. If I were you I'd have a little talk with Tim McKenna, the varsity manager. I think you'd find it very interesting. Alice Townsend. - What are you doing? - I'm packing. They're kicking me out of here. You're getting another chance, so you can unpack. What are you talking about? Why didn't you just tell Professor Fish that I gave you the test papers? Because of what you said. You were right, we were using you. It was a lousy thing to do. I don't blame you for doing what you did. I deserved it. You're better off not living with that bunch anyway. Yeah, well, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Why are they kicking you out? Because I told Fish it was me, and in return he agreed to let you stay. Why did you do that? You're a great football player. And you need the scholarship. I'm just a kid. I'm not supposed to be here for five years anyway. You're not just a kid. You're a hell of a lot more of a man than I am. Chris, thanks. You're welcome. Hi, Danny. You can stop packing, Chris. You're not going anywhere. - I'm not? - No. Professor Fish changed his mind. He's gonna give you another chance. All right. Well, since we're still gonna be roommates maybe I'd better teach you some study habits. Thanks. I think I'll be needing them. I just wish there was something I could do for you, though. As a matter of fact, there is. And $4 is your change. Thank you. One junior, please. I'm sorry, but no one under 17 is admitted unless accompanied by an adult. It's okay, I'm with a friend. One, please. And there's your change. Thanks. Let's go, buddy. Having reached the end of my poor sinner's life... my hair now white... I prepare to leave, on this parchment, my testimony... as to the wondrous and terrible events that I witnessed in my youth... towardstheendoftheyear of our Lord, 1 327. May God grant me the wisdom and grace... tobethefaithfulchronicler of the happenings that took place... in a remote abbey in the dark north of Italy. An abbey whose name it seems even now... pious and prudent to omit. May my hand not tremble now that I start to relive the past... and revive the feelings of uneasiness that oppressed my heart... as we entered the battlements. Should we tell him? No. �e will look in the wrong places. But... what if he should learn it of his own accord? You overestimate his talents, my lord abbot. �here is only one authority capable of investigating such matters. �he �oly Inquisition. What is your opinion, Venerable Jorge? Dear brethren... I leave such worldly matters to younger men. Adso. - Yes, master? - In order to command nature... one must first learn to obey it. Return to the forecourts, get the edificium on your left... enter the quadrangle on your right, you'll find the place you need. Behind the third arch. But you told me you'd never been to this abbey. When we arrived, I saw a brother making for the spot in some haste. I noticed, however, that he emerged more slowly... with an air of contentment. �hank you, master. �n behalf of the Benedictine order, I am honored to welcome you... and your Franciscan brothers to our abbey. �he other delegates, they have arrived? Ubertino de Casale has been here for some weeks. �he others are due tomorrow. You must be very tired after your long journey. No. Not particularly. I trust you're not in need of anything? No. �hank you. Well... Well, then I bid you peace. I'm sorry to see one of your brethren has recently been gathered unto God. Yes, a terrible loss. Brother Adelmo was one of our finest illuminators. - Not Adelmo of �tranto. - You knew him? No, but I knew and admired his work. �is humor and comic images... were almost infamous. - But he was said to be a young man. - �h, yes. Yes, very young indeed. - An accident, no doubt? - Yes. Yes, as you say, an accident. Well, that is, I... Brother William... may I speak with you candidly? You seem most anxious to do so. When I heard you were coming to our abbey... I thought it was an answer to my prayers. "�ere, " I said, "is a man who has knowledge, both of the human spirit... and of the wiles of the evil one. " �he fact is, Adelmo's death has caused much spiritual unease among my flock. �his is my novice, Adso... the youngest son of the Baron of Melk. Please do continue. We found the body after a hailstorm... horribly mutilated, dashed against a rock at the foot of the tower... under a window, which was... �ow shall I say this? - Which was-- - Which was found closed. - Somebody told you. - �ad it been found open... you would have concluded that he'd fallen. Brother William... the window cannot be opened... nor was the glass shattered... nor is there any access to the roof above. �h, I see. And because you can offer no natural explanation... your monks suspect the presence of a supernatural force within these walls. �hat's why I need the counsel... of an acute man such as you, Brother William. Acute in uncovering... and prudent, if necessary... in covering up... before the papa delegates arrive. Surely you know, my lord, I no longer deal in such matters. I am indeed reluctant to burden you with my dilemma... but unless I can put the minds of my flock at rest... I will have no alternative but to summon the help of the Inquisition. Adso! �hat is Ubertino de Casale... one of the great spiritual leaders of our order. Come. Many revere him as a living saint... but others would have him burned as a heretic. �is book on the poverty of the clergy isn't favored reading in papal palaces. So now he lives in hiding like an outlaw. Fellow Franciscans... you must leave this place at once. �he devil is roaming this abbey. Ubertino... it's William. William of Baskerville. William...? No. No. William is dead. William, my son... forgive me. We had lost trace of you for so long. I tried very hard to be forgotten. When we heard of your troubles... I prayed to our virgin for a miracle. �hen your prayers met with a favorable response. �his is my young novice, Adso of Melk. �is father has entrusted me with his education and welfare. You must get him out of here! �ave you not heard, the devil is hurling beautiful boys out of windows? �here was something... feminine... something diabolical... about the young one who died. �e had the eyes of a girl... seeking intercourse with the devil. Beware of this place. �he beast is still among us. I can sense him now, here... within these very walls. I'm afraid, William... for you, for me... for the outcome of this debate. �h... My son. �he times we live in. But let us not frighten... our young friend here. She's beautiful, is she not? When the female... by nature, so perverse... becomes sublime by holiness... then she can be the noblest vehicle of grace. - I don't like this place. - Really? I find it most stimulating. Come. Adso, we must not allow ourselves to be influenced... by irrational rumors of the Antichrist. Let us instead exercise our brains... and try to solve this tantalizing conundrum. My master trusted Aristotle, the Greek philosophers... and the faculties of his own remarkable, logical intelligence. Unhappily, my fears were not mere phantoms of my youthful imagination. A rather dark end for such a brilliant illuminator. Another generous donation by the church to the poor. Now, what if it wasn't that tower that he fell from... but somewhere over there, and then the body rolled all the way down here? Adso? No devil needed any more. Yes. More blood here. �hat's where he fell from. �e jumped. Adso, are you paying attention? Yes. �e jumped. �e jumped? You mean that he committed suicide? Yes. Why else would someone go up there at night in a hailstorm? - Certainly not to admire the landscape. - No. Perhaps... Perhaps someone murdered him. And then toiled all the way up there with the body? Easier to get rid of it through that sluice gate they pour charity through. No, no. My dear Adso... it's elementary. Suicide. Do you think that this... is a place abandoned by God? �ave you ever known a place where God would have felt at home? We praise almighty God... that there are no grounds for suspecting an evil spirit among us... either of this world or another. We praise our Lord that the debate... which we are so greatly honored to host... may now proceed without a shadow of fear. We also praise the Almighty for sending Brother William of Baskerville... whose experience in previous duties... although onerous to him... has been of such service to us here. May serenity and spiritual peace... reign once more in our hearts. - Master? - �mm? If I may ask, what... "onerous duties" ... was the abbot talking about? Were you not always a monk? Even monks have pasts, Adso. Now, do try to sleep. I just... Yes, master. �he beast... �he virgin... �his one, I grant you, did not commit suicide. - Water! - �ere. I am to blame. �ad I not been so eager to believe your convenient explanation... this might have been prevented. I am absolutely convinced that Brother Adelmo took his own life. - Now, whether-- - �hen the hail... Whether this death is connected in any way with it, I intend to find- -after the hailstorm... with the second trumpet... the sea became blood... and behold... here is blood. - �he prophecy of the apocalypse! - �he third trumpet. A burning star... will fall in fountains of water. Do not squander! �he last seven days! Grated stem of waterwort for treating diarrhea. And as for onions... administered in small quantities, warm and moist... they help prolong the male erection... in those who have not taken our vows, naturally. Do you find many circumstances... in which you apply arsenic, Brother Severinus? Yes, indeed. It is a most effective remedy for nervous disorders... if taken as a compound in small doses. And what of not-so-small doses? Death. What was this man's function here? �e was our finest translator of Greek... entirely devoted to the works of Aristotle. Was he on friendly terms with the handsome young Adelmo? �h, indeed so. �hey worked together in the scriptorium. But in a brotherly way, you understand. Not like... I mean, flesh can be tempted according to nature... or against nature. And they were not of the latter disposition... if you ascertain my meaning. Watch out for the dracul who cometh in futurum to gnaw on your anima! Ugly con Salvatore, eh? My little brother, penitenziagite. "Penitenziagite. " You said, "penitenziagite. " I heard you. Master? What language was he speaking? All languages, and none. And what was the word you both kept mentioning? Penitenziagite. - What does it mean? - It means the hunchback, undoubtedly... was once a heretic. Penitenziagite was the rallying cry of the Dolcinites. Dolcinites? Who were they, master? �hose who believed in the poverty of Christ. So do we Franciscans. But they also declared that everyone must be poor. So they slaughtered the rich. You see, Adso... the step between ecstatic vision and sinful frenzy... is all too brief. Well, then, could he not have killed the translator? No. No. Fat bishops and wealthy priests... were more to the taste of the Dolcinites. �ardly a specialist of Aristotle. But, yes, you're right. We must keep an open mind. �mm... We are very fortunate to have such snowy ground here. It's the parchment on which the criminal unwittingly writes his autograph. Now, what do you read from these footprints here? �hat they are twice as deep as the others. - Good, Adso. And thus we may conclude...? - Well, that the man was very heavy. - Precisely. And why was he very heavy? Because he was very fat? - �r because he was being burdened... with the weight of another man. Let us commit the autograph of this sole... to our memory. But the footprints lead away from the jar... in this direction. �h, you turnip, Adso. You're discounting the possibility... that the man was walking backwards, dragging the body thus... �ence, the furrows created by the heels. Now, where did the erudite Greek translator... meet the anonymous author of his death? �mm? Brother librarian. Perhaps you will permit us to examine the work of the two unfortunates... so distressingly gathered unto God. Your request is most unusual. As are the circumstances of their deaths. Brother Adelmo sat there. �hank you. A donkey teaching the scriptures to the bishops. �mm. �he pope is a fox. �he abbot is a monkey. �e really had a daring talent... for comic images. I trust my words did not offend you, Brother William... but I heard persons laughing at laughable things. You Franciscans, however, belong to an order where merriment is viewed with indulgence. - Yes, it's true. St. Francis was much disposed to laughter. Laughter is a devilish wind... which deforms the lineaments of the face... and makes men look like monkeys. Monkeys do not laugh. Laughter is particular to man. As is sin. - Christ never laughed. - Can we be so sure? �here is nothing in the scriptures to say that he did. Nothing in the scriptures says that he did not. Even the saints have employed comedy... to ridicule the enemies of the faith. For example, when the pagans plunged St. Maurus into the boiling water... he complained his bath was too cold. �he sultan put his hand in, scalded it. A saint immersed in boiling water does not play childish tricks. �e restrains his cries and suffers for the truth. And yet, Aristotle devoted his second book of Poetics... to comedy as an instrument of truth. - You have read this work? - No, of course not. - It's been lost for many centuries. - No, it has not. It was never written. Because providence doesn't want futile things glorified. - �h, that I must contest-- - Enough! �his abbey's overshadowed by grief... yet you would intrude on our sorrow with idle banter! Forgive me, Venerable Jorge. My remarks were truly out of place. - Which was the Greek translator's desk? - �his one. Come, Adso. Well, Adso, what did you deduce from that visit? �hat we are not meant to laugh in there. But did you notice how few books there were on the scriptorium shelves? All those scriveners, copyists, translators, researchers, thinkers... But where are the multitude of books that they need for their work? And for which this abbey is famed? Where are the books? - Are you testing me, master? - What do you mean? Well, with all due respect... it seems that whenever you ask me a question, you already have the answer. - Do you know where the books are? - No. But I'll wager my faith that that tower contains something other than air. Did you notice that little door the librarian closed as we came in? - Yes. - Could that lead to the library? Master! Master, quick! I have him! - Stop! Enough! - Master, he tried to kill us! Salvatore! Please, my lord, don't talk to the abbot about his past. �e's innocent of the deaths in this abbey. I swear it. Brother, we need you. My price is some information. I could not comprehend why my master so quickly dismissed... my suspicions of the heretical hunchback... and why it was so urgent that we visit the tower. I assumed he could not resist the temptation... topenetratethelibrary and look at the books. No lock. Just as I thought, it must be bolted from the inside. �ow do we get in? Well, obviously, there must be another entrance. Let us see what the moon-faced assistant librarian... was trying to conceal from us this morning, shall we? �iny Greek letters, perhaps written by an ant with inky feet. Ah, yes. Written with lemon juice. Sagittarius. �he sun. Mercury. Scorpio. It's some zodiacal code giving directions, but to where? �ey! Who's there? Who's there? - My magnifying glasses! - �hey were on that book. You go that way. Come on out, you little bitch. I know you are here. I can smell you. What's the matter with you, huh? Are you afraid of me? �uh? I'll find you. Who was she? Who was this creature that rose like the dawn... wasbewitchingas themoon, radiant as the sun... terribleasan army poised for battle? Good evening, Salvatore. �his is where you catch them? You see, they are piu grasso. Bigger, eh? You... You eat them? You like? �hank you, no. No. As you're a good Christian, you must tell me this. So Adelmo gave the parchment to Berengar. No, no. �o the translo... �he transla-- �ranslator! Venantius, the black monk. - And what happened then? - �hen... - Master! In here, quick. - I found another one. Where are your wits, boy? �ave you ever met anyone... with a rib cage large enough to accommodate a heart of that dimension? No. No. It is the heart of an ox. �ne of the monks probably gave it to that peasant girl... in exchange for her favors. Girl? Well, what...? �he one I saw scuttling out of here. - �e must have been a very ugly monk. - Why ugly? If he'd been young and beautiful... she would no doubt have blessed him with her carnal favors for nothing. In any event, whatever happened in this dreadful kitchen... has no bearing on our investigations. Salvatore convinced me that Brother Berengar, the assistant librarian... is the key to the whole enigma. What did you say? - Nothing, master. - Good. Master? �here's something I must tell you. I know. �hen will you hear my confession? Well, I'd rather you told me first as a friend. Master. �ave you... ever been... in love? In love? Yeah. Many times. - You were? - Yes, of course. Aristotle, �vid, Virgil... - No, no, no. I meant with a-- - Ah. Are you not confusing love with lust? Am I? I don't know. I want only her own good. I want her to be happy. I want to save her from her poverty. - �h, dear. - Why "oh, dear"? You are in love. Is that bad? For a monk, it does present certain problems. But doesn't St. �homas Aquinas praise love above all other virtues? Yes. �he love of God, Adso. �he love of God. And the love of woman? �f woman, �homas Aquinas knew precious little. But the scriptures are very clear. Proverbs warns us, "Woman takes possession of a man's precious soul. " While Ecclesiastes tells us, "More bitter than death is woman. " Yes, but-- - What do you think, master? - Well... �f course, I don't have the benefit of your experience. But I find it difficult to convince myself... that God would have introduced such a foul being into creation... without endowing her with some virtues. �mm? �ow peaceful life would be without love, Adso. �ow safe. �ow tranquil. And how dull. - �ow beautiful. - Lord, you have guided our steps... to this refuge of spiritual peace... because you wish for reconciliation as much as we Franciscans. - Let us go, brothers. - �hy will be done, � Lord. Amen. Amen. Brother Berengar? �e's probably hiding somewhere... with the book and my magnifying glasses. Brother Berengar. Master, look. �he door. Ah. Brother Malachia. I was just looking for your assistant, Brother Berengar. - Is he here? - No. �h, I see. - Do you know where we might find him? - No. - Is he perhaps upstairs in the library? - No. I am curious to see the library for myself. - May I do so? - No. Why not? It is a strict rule of the abbot that no one is permitted... to enter the abbey library other than myself and my assistant. I see. �hank you again. Maybe something's happened to him. - Maybe we'll find him in water. - What? �he third trumpet, master, as Ubertino said. - �he book of Revelation. - �hat is not the book we're after. - You call this chicken, do you? - It looks more like a sparrow. Welcome to our abbey, Brother Michele, and to your fellow Franciscan delegates. �ey, you, paesano! Go! You get in line like the others. Go! - Unhand me! - Salvatore, let him go. �his is Cuthbert of Winchester, one of our most esteemed Franciscan guests. Come, Your Grace. We have a most urgent matter to discuss. �he abbot and his colleagues seem convinced... that the devil is at work within these walls. �e is. �he only evidence I see of the devil... is everyone's desire to see him at work. What if Ubertino is right and you wrong? Don't forget this debate is crucial to us all. We suspect the pope wants to crush our order. Yes, and declare us all heretics. I only have one brother to question, and the entire matter is resolved. William, we place our trust in you. Pray God you do not abuse it. Brother William. Did you find a book in Greek? No. I was right. So was the book of Revelation. - We must talk at once. - Indeed, we must. And I have much to tell. Just as soon as he and I have examined this corpse. Lime leaves in the bath are always used to alleviate pain. - �e was left-handed. - Yes, yes. Brother Berengar was inverted in many ways. Are there other left-handed brothers in the abbey here? None that I know of. Ink stains. �e did not write with his tongue, I presume. - A few lines of Greek. - Yes. Written by Venantius. Some random notes from the book he was reading just before he died. Do you see how the calligraphy changes? From this point on, he was dying. And what, my lord, do you conclude from that? A smudge of blue paint. Yes, but a unique smudge of blue... blended by your finest illuminator, Brother Adelmo... who possessed this parchment before Venantius. And how do we know that? Because those random notes... overrun Adelmo's blue smudge, and not vice versa. Brother William, this abbey is enshrouded in a terrifying mystery. Yet I detect nothing in your obscure dissertation... that sheds any light upon it. Light. Someone was at great pains to conceal a secret of the first magnitude. Now, the calligraphy is, without question, left-handed. And the only left-handed member of your community is... or rather was, Brother Berengar, the assistant librarian. Now, what kind of secret knowledge would he have been privy to? I have the feeling that you're about to tell me. Books. Restricted books. Spiritually dangerous books. Everyone here knew of the assistant librarian's passion for handsome boys. When the beautiful Adelmo wanted to read such a forbidden book... Berengar offered Adelmo the key to its whereabouts... enciphered on that parchment in exchange for unnatural caresses. - Enough, Brother William! Adelmo agreed and duly submitted to Berengar's lustful advances. Afterwards, wracked by remorse, he wandered... crying and desperate in the graveyard, where he met the Greek translator. - �ow could you know this? - �here was a witness. The hunchback... whosawAdelmogiving this parchment to Venantius. Then running towards the small tower and hurling himself out of the window. The night of my arrival, while Berengar punished his sinful flesh... Venantius,helpedby thecoded instructions on the parchment... made his way into the forbidden library and found the book. He took it back to his desk in the scriptorium and began to read it. After scribbling down those few mysterious quotations... he died with a black stain on his finger. The assistant librarian discovered the body... and dragged it down to the pigpens to avert suspicion falling on him. But he left his autograph behind. The book remained on the translator's desk. Berengar returned there last night and read it. Soon after, overcome by some agonizing pain... he tried to take a soothing bath with lime leaves and drowned. He, too, had a blackened finger. All three died because of a book which kills... or for which men will kill. I therefore urge you to grant me access to the library. Brother William! Your pride blinds you. By idolizing reason... you fail to see what is obvious to everyone in this abbey. �hey have arrived, the papal delegation. Bernardo Gui-- �hank you, Brother William. We are mindful of your efforts... but I should now ask you... to refrain from further investigations. �appily, there will be someone arriving with the papal delegation... who is well-versed in the wiles of the evil one. A man, I believe, you know only too well. Bernardo Gui... of the Inquisition. Master. Who is Bernardo Gui? William! I've been searching the entire abbey for you. Michele wishes to speak with you at once. Alone. - Do you know who is coming? - I know, I know. Bernardo Gui. Ubertino must be moved to a safe place. �he arrangements have been made. It is you that concerns us, William. You must now put aside these totally irrelevant investigations. - And erroneous conclusions. - It is the truth, and I am right. William is right. William is always right! No matter what the consequences, to himself or anyone else... William of Baskerville must always prove himself right. Was it not your vanity, your stubborn intellectual pride... that brought you into conflict with Bernardo before? Do not tempt fate twice, William. Even the emperor won't be able to save you if you tangle with Bernardo again. My flesh had forgotten the sinful pleasure that our union had given me... but my soul could not forget her. And now... Now that I saw her in the midst of her poverty and squalor... I praised God in my heart that I was a Franciscan. I wanted her to know that I did not belong to this rapacious abbey... but to an order dedicated to lifting her people out of their physical destitution... and spiritual deprivation. Farewell, William. You are mad and arrogant... but I love you and shall never cease to pray for you. Goodbye, dear child. �ry not to learn too many bad examples from your master. �e thinks too much. Relying always on the deductions of his head... instead of trusting in the prophetic... capacities of his heart. Learn to mortify your intelligence. Weep over the wounds of our Lord! �h. And do throw away those books! �here is a side of Ubertino that I truly envy. Remember, fear the last trumpet, my friends. �he next will fall from the sky, and then will come 1000 scorpions. Yes, yes. We won't forget. Which one frightens you most? - �hey all do. - No. Look closely. - �hat one. - My choice exactly. Well... After you. �hose are the foundations of the tower. But how we reach the library-- �he rats love parchment even more than scholars do. Let's follow him. 1 66. Bolted scriptorium door. 1 67, 1 68, 1 69, 1 70. 31 7, 31 8... �h... I knew it! Adso! I knew it! Adso, do you realize... we're in one of the greatest libraries in the whole of Christendom? �ow will we find the book we're looking for? In time. �h... �he Beatus of Liebana. �hat, Adso, is a masterpiece. And this is the version annotated by Umberto de Bologna. �ow many more rooms, huh? �ow many more books? No one should be forbidden to consult these books freely. Perhaps they are thought to be too precious, too fragile. No. It's not that, Adso. It's because they often contain a wisdom different from ours... and ideas that could encourage us to doubt... the infallibility of the word of God. Master? And doubt, Adso, is the enemy of faith. Master? Master? Master! Wait for me! But I am waiting for you. But I can hear you walking. I'm not walking, Adso. I'm down here. Is that you up there? Where are you, boy? I'm lost! Well, Adso... it would appear that we're in a labyrinth. Are you still there? Yes. �ow will we get out? With some difficulty... if at all. You see, Adso, that is the charm of a labyrinth. Adso, stay calm. �pen a book and read aloud. Leave the room you're in and keep turning left. "Love does not originate as an illness..." but is transformed into it when it becomes obsessive. �he Muslim theologian Ahmed �asim states... that the lovesick person does not want to be healed... and his dreams cause irregular breathing and quicken the pulse. �e identifies amorous melancholia with lycanthropy... a disease that induces wolf like behavior in its victims. �he lover's outward appearance begins to change. Soon his eyesight fails, his lips shrivel... his face becomes covered with pustules and scabs. Marks resembling the bites of a dog appear on his face... and he ends his days by prowling graveyards... at night... "... like a wolf. " Master, I can see a lantern. Don't move. Stay where you are. I can see a man. �e stopped. What is he doing? �e's raising his lantern. �ow many times? �hree times. It is I. Raise your lantern. Look! �here! You foolish boy. It's only a mirror. Master! - �he books, boy! Save the books! - I'm trying to save you! - A trap door and a mirror. - We must be almost there. If I have deciphered the instructions... of the Greek translator correctly... You did not think me so foolish... as to surrender our parchment to the abbot without making a copy? "Manus supra idolum, age primum et septimus de quatuor" is what? "With the hand above the idol... press the first and the seventh of four. " Very good. What idol? �hat is what we're here to find out. And the first and the seventh of four what? If I had the answers to everything, I'd be teaching theology in Paris. And again. Do you hear that? - It's my teeth, master. - What? My teeth. Don't be afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm cold. �h. Well, we shall return. Don't leave on my account. No, no, no. I must confess, it eludes me for the moment. Now, let me see... �o find your way out of the labyrinth... when you come to a fork, you mark it with an arrow- - No, no, no. No. Master? Please, dear boy. I'm thinking. - If there are arrows at the forks-- - Master! Well done, boy! Your classical education serves us well. �hank you. Lucifer, be at my service. Lord Bernardo, look what we found! Search the creature. My lord abbot, you invited me to investigate the presence... of the evil one in your abbey-- And I have already found it. �ow many times have I seen these objects of devil worship: �he black cockerel and the black cat? But she did it for the food, not the devil. William of Baskerville must surely recall the trial he presided over... in which a woman confessed to having intercourse with a demon... in the form of a black cat. I'm very sure that you don't have to draw on my past experiences... to formulate your conclusions, Lord Bernardo. No, indeed. Not when faced with such irrefutable evidence. A witch! A seduced monk! Satanic rites! �omorrow... we endeavor to learn if these events are connected... with the even graver mystery that afflicts your abbey. Lock them up that we may all sleep safely tonight. You said... You said nothing. I said nothing... because there was nothing to be said. You're ready enough to speak the truth... when it comes to books and ideas. She is already burnt flesh, Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken. She is a witch. But that's not true, and you know it. I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict of an inquisitor... is guilty of heresy. You seem to know a lot about it. �h, yes. Won't you tell me... as a friend? Well, there's not much to tell. I too was an inquisitor... but in the early days, when the Inquisition strove to guide... not to punish. And once I had to preside at the trial of a man... whose only crime was to have translated a Greek book... that conflicted with the holy scriptures. Bernardo Gui wanted him condemned as a heretic. I acquitted the man. �hen Bernardo Gui accused me of heresy for having defended him. I appealed to the pope. I was put in prison... tortured... and I recanted. What happened then? �he man was burned at the stake. And I am still alive. Brother Salvatore... these torments will cause me as much pain as you. But you can put an end to them before we even begin. �pen the gates of your heart. Search the depths of your soul. Search. I search! I search. I search. �hen tell me... who, among your brethren... is the heretic responsible for these murders? Me don't know nothing. Did I lie awake that night suffering for the girl or for myself? I did not know. With the dawn came the envoys of the pope... our adversaries in the forthcoming debate. But it meant so little to me now. Your Eminence, venerable brothers... at last we meet for this long-awaited debate. We have all journeyed great distances in order to put an end to the dispute... that has so gravely impaired the unity of our �oly Mother Church. Good people throughout Christendom... are directing their gaze at these venerable walls... anxiously awaiting our answer to the vexed question: Did Christ... or did he not... own the clothes that he wore? Beloved brethren of the Franciscan order. �ur �oly Father, the pope, has authorized me and these, his faithful servants... to speak on his behalf. �he question is not whether Christ was poor... but whether the church should be poor. You Franciscans wish to see the clergy renounce its possessions... and surrender its riches... the abbeys dissipate their sacred treasures... and hand over their fertile acres to the serfs... I found the book. I found it in the dispensary. A book in Greek was hidden behind one of my jars. Don't touch it. Return. Lock yourself inside. I'll be there just as soon as I can. �hereby depriving the church of the resources needed... to combat unbelievers and wage war on the infidel. You forget that even the greatest monument to our Lord... is but a pale reflection of his infinite majesty and glory... far outstripping the church... Quick, Father, quick. Salvatore has confessed to his radical past, and yours. You have but little time to escape the flames. �hank you, brother. - Where are you going? - Let me go. I'm the cellarer. Come with us! You call the pope's province "God's palace on earth"? Answer that! �hey are a sign that reconciliation-- �he gospels state categorically that Christ possessed a purse. �hat is a lie! You know it! �he Lord commanded his disciples on no less than seven occasions: - "Carry neither gold--" - Venerable brothers! Brethren, if you please! A matter has occurred of the utmost gravity. Let me go! I swear, I didn't kill him! I was at the granary taking the inventory! I never killed anyone! I swear it! �hen explain to us the purpose of your escape. I was... I had already ordered your arrest on other charges. I see now that I was correct. �ad someone else not chosen to look in the wrong direction... several men of God might still be with us. "�o use vulgar persons. �ake pleasure from their defects. " Please, dear boy. I am trying to think! So am I, master. So am I! �hen try using your head instead of your heart... and we might make some progress. A book's more important than people to you? Did I say that they were? You never seem to care about anyone. Couldn't you at least show a little pity? Perhaps that is the style of my pity. But pity won't save her from the fire. I remind all present that they are bound by their vow of obedience... and on pain of excommunication... to aid the inquisitor in his painful struggle against heresy. �o sit with me on this tribunal... and to share the burden of the verdict... I will require the counsel of two fellow judges. My lord abbot... and... Brother William of Baskerville. Salvatore. Salvatore. will you repeat your confession of last night? �hat you and your accomplice, Remigio de Varagine... were members of the heretical Dolcinites? �hank you. �hank you. - You forgive me. - Enough! Remigio de Varagine, do you deny the confession of your accomplice? No. I don't deny it. I'm proud of it! For the 12 years I lived here... I did nothing but stuff my belly... shag my wick... and squeeze the hungry peasants for tithes. But now you have given me the strength... to remember what I once believed in with all my heart... and for that, I thank you. �o remember that you wantonly looted and burned the property of the church? Yes! �o give it back to the people... you stole it from in the first place. And did you not also slaughter many bishops and priests? Yes! And I'd butcher you people if I had half the chance! �oly Mary, Mother of God, hear my humble prayer. I know that my sin was very great... but I beg of you... do not let her suffer for my wrongdoing. Blessed Mother... many years ago, you granted a miracle by saving my master. Will you not do the same for this girl? My master says that the simple folk always pay for all. But please, �oly Mother, do not let it be so. Guilty is that witch... who has seduced a monk... and has practiced her diabolical ritual within this hallowed place. Guilty is Salvatore... who has confessed to his heretical past... and was caught in flagrante delicto with a witch! Guilty is Remigio de Varagine... who, in addition to being unrepentant of his heresies... was caught attempting to escape after murdering Severinus. �hat's a lie! I never killed the herbalist or anyone else in this abbey! I therefore request you... to confirm my sentence, my lord abbot. My heart is filled with sorrow... but I can find no reason to contest... the just sentence of the �oly Inquisition. And you, William of Baskerville? Yes. �e is guilty. Guilty of having, in his youth... misinterpreted the message of the gospels. And he is guilty of having confused... the love of poverty with the blind destruction of wealth and property. But, my lord abbot, he is innocent of the crimes... that have bathed your abbey in blood. For Brother Remigio cannot read Greek. And this entire mystery... hinges on the theft and possession of a book written in Greek... and hidden in some secret part of the library. Since the verdict of the Inquisition has been disputed... we are obliged to extract the prisoner's confession to murder. �ake him to the forge and show him the instruments. I'll confess anything you want... but don't torture me. I can't live through it, not like Salvatore. Very well. Why did you kill them? Why? I don't know why. - Because you were inspired by the devil? - Yes. �hat's it. I was inspired by the devil. I am inspired by the devil! Adrammelech, Lucifer, I summon you, lords of hell! Alastor! Azazel! �he shepherd has done his duty... and the infected sheep must now be consigned to the purifying flame. You may burn Brother Remigio... but you will not stop the crimes being committed in this abbey. �ther monks will meet their deaths here... and they also will have blackened fingers... and blackened tongues! Your Eminence, I beg of you. We Franciscans are appalled by Brother William's outburst. Again, we have seen that your theories... protect heretics and lead to murder. - �he debate is concluded. - No. It seems Brother William of Baskerville has relapsed... into the errors of which he was formerly purged. �aving sought yet again to shield a heretic... from just punishment by the Inquisition... he will accompany me to Avignon for confirmation of my sentence... by �is �oliness Pope John. I'm right. If only I could find the book and prove that Bernardo Gui was wrong. But the Antichrist was victorious once more... and nothing seemed to be able to hinder him further. Come. When the pyres are lighted tonight... let the flames purify each of us in his own heart. Let us return to what was and ever should be the office of this abbey. �he preservation of knowledge. "Preservation, " I say, not "search for. " Because there is no progress in the history of knowledge... merely a continuous and sublime recapitulation. Let us now praise the Almighty... that the bloody-eyed and cloven-hoofed Antichrist... has been purged from our sacred precincts... and our monastery has returned to peace. It had the power of 1000 scorpions! �e told me. Who told you? �is tongue is black! �is fingers as black as pitch just as Brother William foretold. - Adso! - It's Brother Malachia. - Malachia? - Yes, Father, yes. - Dear God. Not Malachia! Will it never end? Malachia. Bernardo, William of Baskerville was right. - �e said that-- - Yes! �e knew. Just as I, too, would have known, had I been the murderer. Find William of Baskerville. We still can't open the mirror! Perhaps by pressing the first and seventh letters of "four. " - "Four" only has four letters! - In Latin. Quatuor, remember? �he inscription above the mirror? But we have to press above an idol. Not "idolum, " as in the Latin, but "eidolon, " as in the Greek. Meaning "image" or "reflection. " �ur reflection. - �his way, master. - No, this way, Adso. �ere, Q. Q and R. Pray God we're not mistaken. Come. Good evening, Venerable Jorge. I have been expecting you these several days past, William. You must have flown to this chamber to have reached it ahead of us. You have discovered many things since your arrival at this abbey... but the short route through the labyrinth is not among them. So now, what is it that you want? I want to see the book in Greek that you said was never written. A book entirely devoted to comedy... which you hate as much as you hate laughter. I want to see what is probably the sole surviving copy... of the second book of the Poetics of Aristotle. William, what a magnificent librarian you would have been. �ere is your well-earned reward. Read it. Leaf through its secrets. You have won. Close, now! "We shall now discuss the way comedy..." stimulates our delight in the ridiculous... "...by using vulgar persons and taking pleasure from their defects. " Carry on, William. Read it, read it! Master, please, we must hurry. If the light is too dim for you... give it to the boy. I'm sure he can read it. I would not want my faithful pupil to turn your poisoned pages. Not without the protection of a glove, such as I am wearing. - �he door, quick! - Before he shuts us in! Push! Stay, stay! Shh! Venerable brother, there are many books that speak of comedy. Why does this one fill you with such fear? - Because it is by Aristotle. - Adso, this way. Do you, Salvatore, renounce the devil and embrace Jesus Christ... as your lord and savior? Do you, Remigio de Varagine, renounce the devil and embrace Jesus Christ--? - What for? It's better to die fast than to spend the rest of your life in a prison! �he devil I renounce is you, Bernardo Gui! Do you renounce the devil and embrace Jesus Christ as your savior? But what is so alarming about laughter? Laughter kills fear. And without fear, there can be no faith. Because without fear of the devil, there is no more need of God. But you will not eliminate laughter by eliminating that book. No, to be sure. Laughter will remain the common man's recreation. But what will happen if, because of this book... learned men were to pronounce it permissible to laugh at everything? Can we laugh at God? �he world would relapse into chaos. �herefore, I seal that which was not to be said... and the tomb I become. - �hat's him! - �e was there, behind the arch! Adso! Adso! Adso! - Master! - Go on! I insist! Leave this place at once! I insist! Please, God, save him. �old them back. Burn the witch! You dare raise your hands to the church? Come! No! You're not going to leave! All of this is your doing! My master found the true murderer! �elp me. Quick! �elp me! �elp me! No! No, no! Master. Adso! I have never regretted my decision... for I learned from my master much that was wise and good and true. When at last we parted company, he presented me with his eyeglasses. I was still young, he said, but someday they would serve me well. And, in fact, I am wearing them now on my nose as I write these lines. Then he embraced me fondly, like a father, and sent me on my way. I never saw him again and know not what became of him... but I pray always that God received his soul and forgave... themanylittlevanitiestowhich he was driven by his intellectual pride. And yet, now that I am an old, old man... I must confess that of all the faces that appear to me out of the past... theoneIsee mostclearly is that of the girl... of whom I've never ceased to dream these many long years. She was the only earthly love of my life... yetI neverknew nor ever learned... her name. Having reached the end of my poor sinner's life... my hair now white... I prepare to leave on this parchment my testimony... as to the wondrous and terrible events... I witnessed in my youth... towards the end of the year of Our Lord 1327. May God grant me the wisdom and grace... to be the faithful chronicler of the happenings that took place... in a remote abbey in the dark north of Italy. An abbey whose name it seems even now, pious and prudent to omit. May my hand not tremble now that I start... to relive the past and revive the feelings of uneasiness... that oppressed my heart as we entered the battlements. Should we tell him? No. He will look in the wrong places. But... what if he learns it of his own account? You overestimate his talents my Lord Abbot. There's only one authority capable of investigating such matters. The holy Inquisition. What is your opinion, venerable Jorge? Dear brethern, I leave such worldly matters to younger men. Adso? - Yes, master. - To command nature... one must first learn to obey it. Hmm? So, return to the court, turn the building on your left... enter the court on you right. You'll find the place you're in need of... behind the third arch. But you told me you'd never been to this abbey before. When we arrived, I saw a brother making for this spot in some haste. I noticed that he emerged more slowly, with an air of contentment. Thank you, master. On behalf of the Benedictin Order.. I am honored to welcome you and your Franciscan brothers... to our abbey. The other delegates have arrived? Ubertino de Casale has been here for some weeks... the others are due tomorrow. You must be very tired after your long journey. No. Not particularly. You're not in need of anything? No, thank you. Well... then I... I bid you peace. I'm sorry to see that one of your brethern... has recently been gathered unto God. Yes, a terrible loss. Brother Adelmo was one of our finest illuminates. - Not, Adelmo of Otranto? - You knew him? No, but I knew and admired his work. His humor and comic images were almost infamous. But he was said to be very young. Ah, yes! Very young indeed. An accident, no doubt. Yes, as you say, an accident. Well... that is I... Brother William... may I speak to you candidly? You seem anxious to do so. When I heard you were coming to our abbey... I thought it was an answer to my prayers. I said: "Here's a man who has the knowledge both of the human spirit... and of the wiles of the evil one." Brother Adelmo's death has caused much... spiritual unease upon my flock. This is my novice, Adso. The youngest son of the Baron de Melk. Please, do continue. We found the body after a hail storm... horribly mutilated... bashed against a rock at the foot of the tower... under a window which was... How should I say this? - which was... - which was found closed. - Somebody told you? - Had it been found open... you would not have spoken of spiritual unease, you would have concluded that he'd fallen. Brother William... the window cannot be opened... nor was the glass shattered. Nor is there any access to the roof above. I see. Because you cannot find a natural explanation... your monks suspect the presence of a supernatural force. That's why I need the counsel of an acute man such as you. Acute in uncovering and prudent, if necessary... in covering up before the papal delegates arrive. Surely you know I no longer deal in such matters. I'm reluctant to burden you with my dilemma, but... unless I can put the mind of my flock at rest... I will have no alternative but to summon the Inquisition. That is Ubertino de Casale... one of the great spiritual leaders of our Order. Come. Many revere him as a living saint... but others would have him burnt as a heretic. His book on the poverty of the clergy... is not favorite reading in the papal palaces. So, now he lives in hiding, like an outlaw. Fellow Franciscans... you must leave this place at once. The devil is roaming this abbey! Ubertino, it's William. William of Baskerville. William is dead. William... my son... forgive me. We lost trace of you for so long! I tried hard to be forgotten. When we heard of your troubles... I prayed to our Virgin for a miracle. Your prayers met with a favorable response. This is my young novice, Adso of Melk. His father has entrusted me his education and welfare. Get him out of here at once! Have you not heard the devil... is hurling beautiful boys out of windows? There was something feminine... something diabolical... about the young one who died. He had the eyes of a girl... seeking intercourse with the devil. Beware of this place. The beast is still among us. I can sense him... now... here... within these very walls. I'm afraid, William. For you, for me. For the outcome of this debate... Oh, my son. The times we live in. But, let us not frighten our young friend. She's beautiful, isn't she? When a female, by nature so pervert... becomes sublimed by holiness... then she can be the noblest vehicle of grace. - I don't like this place. - Really? I find it most stimulating. Come. We must not allow ourselves to be influenced... by irrational rumors of the antichrist. Let's instead exercise our brains... and try to solve this tantalising conundrum. My master trusted Aristotle, the Greek philosophers... and the faculties of his own remarkable, logical intelligence. Unhappily, my fears were not... mere phantoms of my youthful imagination. A rather dark end for such a brilliant illuminator. Another generous donation by the Church to the poor. What if it wasn't that tower that he fell from... but somewhere over there and the body rolled all the way down here? No devil needed anymore. Yes, more blood here. That's where he fell from. He jumped. - Are you paying attention? - Yes, he jumped. Jumped? You mean that he committed suicide? Why else would someone go up there at night in the middle of a hailstorm? Certainly not to admire the landscape. Perhaps someone murdered him. And then toiled all the way up there with the body? Much easier to get rid of it through that sluice gate. No. My dear Adso, it's... elementary. Suicide? Do you think this is a place abandoned by God? Have you ever known a place where God would have felt at home? We praise Almighty God, that there are no grounds... for suspecting the presence of an evil spirit among us... either of this world or another. We praise our Lord that the debate... that we are so greatly honored to host... may now proceed without a shadow of fear. We also praise the Almighty for sending us brother William of Baskerville... whose experience and previous duties... although onerous to him, has been of such service to us here. May serenity and spiritual peace... reign once more in our hearts. Master, if I may ask what... onerous duties was the abbot talking about? Were you not always a monk? Even monks have pasts, Adso. Now, do try to sleep. I just... Yes, master. A calamity! It was a calamity! Father! A tragedy in the pigpen! Come! Come quickly! This one, I grant you, did not commit suicide. Water! Venantius, the Greek translator! I'm to blame. Had I not been so eager to believe your convenient explanation... this second tragedy might've been prevented. I'm convinced brother Adelmo took his own life. Whether this death is connected with it, I intend to find. "After the hail storm, with the second trumpet..." "the sea became blood." - And behold... here is blood! - The prophecy of the Apocalypse. "With the third trumpet, a burning star..." "will fall in fountains of water' The devil is here! Grated stem of adderwort for treating diarrhea. As for onions, administered in small quantities... warm and moist, they help to prolong the male erection. In those who haven't taken our vows, naturally. Do you find many circumstances in which you apply... arsenic, brother Severinus? Yes, indeed. It is a most effective remedy for nervous disorders. If taken as a compound, in small doses. And what of not so small doses? Death. What was this monk's function here? He was our finest translator of Greek. Entirely devoted to the works of Aristotle. Was he on friendly terms with the handsome young Adelmo? Yes. They worked together in the scriptorium. But in a brotherly way, you understand? Not like... I mean, flesh can be tempted according to nature... or against nature. And they were not of the latter disposition. If you ascertain my meaning. Penitenziagite! Watch out for Satan, who comes to know your soul. Death is supreme. You contemplate the apocalypse? There, we have the devil. Ugly like Salvatore. My little brother, penitenziagite. "Penitenziagite"? I didn't say that. You said "penitenziagite". I heard you. Noble brother, "magnifico"! I don't have a good rhetoric. But men must do "penitence". I'm a monk. Saint Benedict! Saint Benedict! Salvatore, come here. Master, what language was he speaking? All languages and none. And what was the word you both kept mentioning? "Penitenziagite"? - What does it mean? - That the hunchback, undoubtedly... was once a heretic. "Penitenziagite" was the rallying cry of Dolcinites. Dolcinites? Who were they? Those who believed in the poverty of Christ. So do we, Franciscans. But they also declared that everyone must be poor. So they slaughtered the rich. You see, Adso... the step between ecstatic vision and sinful frenzy... is all too brief. So, could he not have killed the translator? No. Fat bishops and wealthy priests... were more to the taste of the Dolcinites... not a specialist of Aristotle. But yes, you're right. We must keep an open mind. We're very fortunate to have such snowy ground here. It is often the parchment on which the criminal, unwillingly... writes his autograph. Now, what do you read from these footprints here? They're twice as deep as the others, Master. Good! And thus we may conclude... That the man was very heavy. Precisely! And why was he very heavy? Because... he was very fat? Or because he was carrying another man. Let us commit the autograph of this sole to our memory. But the footprints lead away from the jar, in this direction. Adso, you're discounting the possibility... that the man was walking backwards, dragging the body thus... hence the furrows created by the heels. Now, where did the erudite Greek translator... meet the anonymous author of his death? Brother librarian... perhaps you'll permit us to examine the work of the two unfortunates... that were so distressingly guided off to God. - Your request is most unusual. - As are the circumstances of their deaths. - Brother Adelmo sat there. - Thank you. A donkey teaching the Scriptures to the bishops. The pope as a fox. And the abbot as a monkey. He really had a daring talent for comic images. I trust my words didn't offend you brother William... but I heard the persons laughing at laughable things. You, Franciscans, however, belong to an Order... where merriment is viewed with indulgence. Yes, it's true. Saint Francis was much disposed to laughter. Laughter is a devillish wind which deforms the lineaments of the face... and makes men look like monkeys. Monkeys do not laugh. Laughter is particular to man. As a sin. Christ never laughed. Can we be so sure? There is nothing in the Scriptures to say that He did. And there's nothing there to say that He did not. Even the saints have been known to employ comedy... to ridicule the enemies of the faith. For example, when the pagans plunged Saint Maurus... into the boiling water, he complained... that his bath was cold. The Sultan put his hand in... - and scalded himself. - A saint... immersed in boiling water does not play childish tricks. He restrains his cries and suffers for the truth. And yet, Aristotle devoted his second book of poetics to comedy... as an instrument of truth. You have read this work? No, of course not. It's been lost for many centuries. No, it is not! It was never written! Because Providence doesn't want futile things glorified. - Oh, that I must contest... - Enough! This abbey is overshadowed by grief. Yet you would... intrude on our sorrow with idle banter! Forgive me, Venerable Jorge. My remarks were truly out of place. Which was the Greek translator's desk? This one. Come, Adso. - What did you deduce from that visit? - That we're not meant to laugh in there. But you noticed how few books there were on the scryptorium shelves? All those scriveners, copyists, translators, researchers... thinkers... Where are the books needed for their work? And for which this abbey is famed. Where are the books? - Are you testing me, master? - What do you mean? With all due respect... it seems that whenever you ask me a question, you already have the answer. Do you know where the books are? No, but I'll wager my faith that that tower contains something other than air. Did you notice that little door the librarian closed as we came in? Would that lead to the library? Master! Quick! I have him! - Stop! Enough. - He tried to kill us. Salvatore! Please, don't talk to the abbot about his past. He's innocent of the deaths in this abbey. I swear it. Brother Remigio, my price is some information. I could not comprehend why my master so quickly dismissed... my suspicions of the heretical hunchback... and why it was so urgent that we visit the tower. I assumed he could not resist the temptation... to penetrate the library and look at the books. No lock. Just as I thought, it must be bolted from inside. How do we get in? Obviously, there must be another entrance. Let's see what the moon-faced assistant librarian... was trying to conceal this morning. Tiny Greek letters. Perhaps written by an ant with inky feet. Written with lemon juice. Sagittarius... Sun... Mercury... Scorpion. It's a zodiacal code giving directions. But to where? Who's there? Who's there? - My magnifying glasses! - They were on that book. You go that way. Come on out, you little bitch! I know you're here. I can smell you. What is the matter with you? Are you afraid of me? I'll find you. Who was she? Who was this creature that rose like the dawn... was bewitching as the moon, radiant as the sun, terrible as an army poised for battle? Good evening, Salvatore. This is where you catch them? Here they're "piu grassi", bigger. Do you eat them? - Do you like? - Thank you, no. "Ich bin" good catholic. As you're a good Christian, you must tell me. So Adelmo gave the parchment to Berengar? No. To the translo... the transla... - Translator! Venantius, the black monk. - Yes, yes. - And what happened then? - Then... Master! Here, quick! I found another one. Where are your wits, boy? Have you ever met anyone with a rib cage large enough to accommodate... a heart of those dimensions? 'Tis the heart of an ox. One of the monks probably gave it to that peasant girl... in exchange for her favors. A girl? What? The one I saw scuttling out of here. - He must have been a very ugly monk. - Why ugly? If he'd been young and beautiful, she'd have blessed him... with her carnal favors for nothing. Whatever happened in this dreadful kitchen... has no bearing on our investigations. The hunchback has convinced me that brother Berengar... the assistant librarian, is the key to the whole enigma. - What did you say? - Nothing, master. Good. Master? There's something I must tell you. I know. Then, will you hear my confession? I'd rather you told me first as a friend. Master... Have you ever been... in love? In love? - Many times. - You were? Of course. Aristotle, Ovid, Virgil... - No. I meant with a... - Oh. Ah. Are you not confusing love with lust? Am I? I don't know. I want her own good. I want her to be happy. I want to save her from her poverty. Oh, dear! - Why "oh, dear"? - You are in love. Is that bad? For a monk it does present certain problems. But doesn't St Thomas Aquinas praise love above all other virtues? Yes, the love of God, Adso. The love of God! And the love of... woman? Of woman, Thomas Aquinas knew precious little. But the Scriptures are very clear. Proverbs warns us: Woman takes possession of a man's precious soul. While Ecclesiastics tells us: "More bitter than death is woman." Yes, but what do you think, master? Of course, I don't have the benefit of your experience... but I find it difficult to convince myself that... God would have introduced such a foul being into creation... without endowing her with some virtues. Hm? How peaceful life would be without love, Adso. How safe... how tranquil... and how dull. How beautiful! God, You have guided our steps to this refuge... of spiritual peace because you wish for reconciliation... as much as we, Franciscans. Let us go, brothers! - Thy will be done, oh Lord. - Amen. Amen. Brother Berengar? He's probably hiding somewhere... with the book and my magnifying glasses. Brother Berengar? Master, look! The door! Brother Malachia! I was just looking for your assistant, brother Berengar. Is he here? No. I see. Do you know where we might find him? No. Or is he perhaps upstairs, in the library? No. I'm curious to see the library for myself. May I do so? No. Why not? It is strict rule of the abbot. That no one is permitted to enter the abbey library... other than myself and my assistant. I see. Thank you again. Maybe something's happened to him. Maybe we'll find him in water. - What? - The third trumpet... as Ubertino said. The book of Revelation. That is not the book we're after. You count this a chicken for you? It looks more like a sparrow. Franciscans. Welcome to our abbey, brother Michele. And your fellow Franciscan delegates. Get in the line like the others! Salvatore, let him go! This is Cuthbert of Winchester... one of our most esteemed Franciscan guests. Come, your grace. We have a very urgent matter to discuss. But the abbot and his colleagues seem convinced... that the devil is at work within these walls. He is! The only evidence I see of the devil... is everyone's desire to see him at work. What if Ubertino is right and you are wrong? Don't forget, William, this debate is crucial to us all. We suspect the Pope wants to crush our Order. - And declare us heretics. - Yes, and declare us heretics. I only have one brother to question and the matter is resolved. William, we place our trust in you. Pray God that you do not abuse it. Brother William. - Did you find a book in Greek? - Huh? I was right. So was the book of Revelation. - We must talk at once. - Indeed, we must. And I have much to tell. Just as soon as he and I have examined this corpse. Lime leaves in the bath are used to alleviate pain. He was left-handed? Yes. Brother Berengar was inverted in many ways. Are there other left-handed brothers at the abbey? None that I know of. Ink stains. He did not write with his tongue, I presume. - A few lines of Greek. - Yes, written by Venantius. Notes from the book he was reading... just before he died. You see how the calligraphy changes? From this point on, he was dying. And what can we conclude from that? A spot of blue paint. Yes, but a unique smudge of blue... blended by your finest illuminator, brother Adelmo... who possessed this parchment before Venantius. How do we know that? Because those notes overrun... Adelmo's blue smudge, and not vice-versa. Brother William... this abbey is enshrouded in a terrifying mystery. Yet, I detect nothing, in your obscure dissertation... that sheds any light upon it. Adso, the light. Someone was at great pains to conceal a secret... of the first magnitude. The calligraphy is, without question, left-handed. The only left-handed member of your community is... or rather was... brother Berengar, the assistant librarian. Now what kind of secret knowledge would he have been privy to? - I feel you're about to tell me. - Books. Restricted books. Spiritually dangerous books. Everyone here knew of the assistant's passion... for handsome boys. When the beautiful Adelmo... wanted to read such a forbidden book... Berengar offered him the key to its whereabouts... enciphered on that parchment... in exchange for unnatural caresses. Enough, brother William! Adelmo submitted to Berengar's lustful advances. But afterwards, wracked by remorse, he wandered desperate... in the graveyard, where he met the Greek translator. - How could you know this? - There was a witness. The hunchback. Who saw Adelmo giving this parchment to Venantius... and running towards the small tower... and hurling himself out of the window. The night of my arrival, while Berengar punished his sinful flesh... Venantius, following the instructions on the parchment... entered the forbidden library and found the book. He took it back to his desk and began to read it. After scribbling down those mysterious quotations... he died with a black stain on his finger. The assistant discovered the body... and dragged it down to the pigpen to avert suspicion falling on him. But he left his autograph behind. The book remained on the translator's desk. Berengar returned there last night and read it. Soon after, overcome by some agonizing pain... he tried to take a soothing bath with lime leaves... and drowned. He too had a blackened finger. All three died because of a book which kills... or for which men will kill. I therefore urge you to grant me access to the library. Brother William, your pride blinds you. By idolizing reason... you failed to see what is obvious to everyone in this abbey. The papal delegation's arrived. Bernardo Gui. Thank you, brother William. We are mindful of your efforts... but I should now ask you... to refrain from further investigations. Happily, there will be someone arriving with the papal delegation... who is well-versed in the wiles of the evil one. A man I believe you know, only too well. Bernardo Gui... of the Inquisition. Master, who is Bernardo Gui? I've been searching the entire abbey for you! Michele wishes to speak with you at once. Alone. - Do you know who is coming? - I know. Bernardo Gui. Ubertino must be moved to a place of safety. The arrangements have been made. It is you that concerns us. You must now put aside these totally irrelevant investigations. And erroneous conclusions. It is the truth. I'm right. William is right, he's always right! No matter what the consequences... to himself or anyone else, William of Baskerville... must always prove himself right. Was it not your vanity, your stubborn intellectual pride... that brought you into conflict with Bernardo before? Do not tempt fate twice, William. Not even the Emperor will be able to save you if you tangle with Bernardo. My flesh had forgotten the sinful pleasure that our union... had given me. But my soul could not forget her. And now, now that I saw her in the midst of her poverty and squatter... I praised God in my heart that I was a Franciscan. I wanted her to know that I didn not belong to... this rapacious abbey but to an order dedicated to lifting... her people out of their physical destitution, and spiritual depravation. Farewell William. You're mad and arrogant. But I love you and I'll never cease to pray for you. Goodbye, dear child. Try not to learn too many bad examples from your master. He thinks too much. Relying always on the... deductions of his head. Instead of trusting in the prophetic capacities... of his heart. Learn to mortify your... intelligence. Weep over the wounds of our Lord. Oh, and do throw away those books! There is a side of Ubertino that I truly envy. Remember, fear the last trumpet, my friends. The next will fall from the sky. And then will come a thousand... - scorpions. - Yes, we won't forget. Which one frightens you most? They all do. Look closely. - That one. - My choice exactly. After you. Those are the foundations of the tower. But how to reach the library? The rats love parchment even more than scholars do. Let's follow him. 166, bolted victorian door, 167... 168, 169, 170... I knew it. Adso! I knew it! Adso, do you realize... we're in one of the greatest libraries in the whole of Christendom? - How are we going to find the book? - In time. "The Beatus of Liebana". That, Adso, is a masterpiece. And this is the version annotated by Umberto de Bologna! How many more rooms? How many more books? No one should be forbidden to consult these books. Perhaps they're thought to be too precious, too fragile. No, it's not that, Adso. It's because they often contain a wisdom that's different from ours... and ideas that could encourage us to doubt... the infallibility of the word of God. Master? And doubt, Adso, is the enemy of faith. Master? Master? Master? Wait for me! But I am waiting for you. But I can hear you walking. I'm not walking. I'm down here. Is that you up there? Where are you? I'm lost! Well, Adso, it would appear that we're in a labyrinth. Are you still there? Yes. How do we get out? With some difficulty. If at all. You see, Adso, that is the charm of a labyrinth. Adso, stay calm. Open a book... and read it aloud. Leave the room you're in... and keep turning left. "Love does not originate as an illness but is transformed into it..." when it becomes obsessive thoughts." "It was the theologian Ibn Hazim who stated the love sick person..." "does not want to be healed and his amorous day dreams..." "cause irregular breathing and quicken the pulse." "He identifies amorous melancholy with lycanthropy..." "the disease that induces wolf-like behavior in humans." "The lover's outer appearance..." "begins to change." "Soon his eyesight fails, his lips drivel..." "and his face becomes covered with pustules." "Marks resembling the bites of a dog appear on his face..." "and he ends his days by prowling graveyards..." "at night, like a wolf." Master? I can see a lantern. Don't move. Stay where you are. I see a man. He's stopped. What is he doing? He's raising his lantern. How many times? Three times. It's I. Raise your lantern. Look! You foolish boy! It's just a mirror. Master! - Save the books. - I'm trying to save you! A trap door, a mirror... We're almost there. If I've deciphered the instructions of the translator correctly... You didn't think me so foolish as to surrender... the parchment to the abbot without making a copy, right? "With the hand above the idol..." "press the 1st and the 7th of four' Very good. What idol? That's what we're here to find out. The 1st and the 7th of four what? If I knew the answer of everything I'd teach Theology in Paris. And... again. You hear that? It's my teeth, master. - What? - My teeth. Don't be afraid. I'm not afraid, I'm cold. - Well... we should return. - Don't leave on my account. I must confess, it eludes me for the moment. Well... let me see... to find your way out of a labyrinth... you come to a fork you mark it with an arrow... - Master. - Please, dear boy, I'm thinking. If there are arrows at the forks, then... Well done, boy! Your classical education serves us well! Give it to me. Give me! Bernardo, sprinkle me with the sperm. Then, you have the love. Spit, please. Spit over there. Thank you. Lucifer, be at my service, for a woman's love. Let go of me! Salvatore loves you! It's burning! Bernardo, look what we found. Search the creature. My Lord Abbot, you invited me to investigate... the presence of the Evil One in your abbey... and I have already found it. How many times have I seen these objects of devil worship? The black cockerel and the black cat! But... She did it for the food, not the devil. Tell him! William of Baskerville must surely recall the trial he presided over... in which a woman confessed to have had intercourse... with a demon in the form of a black cat. I'm sure that you don't have draw on my past experiences... to formulate your conclusions, Lord Bernardo. No indeed. Not in the face of irrefutable evidence. A witch! A seduced monk! Satanic rites! Tomorrow we shall endeavor to learn if these events... are connected with the mystery that afflicts your abbey. Lock them up! That we may all sleep safely tonight. You said nothing! I said nothing because there was nothing to be said. You're ready enough to speak the truth... when it comes to books and ideas. She's already burned flesh, Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken. She is a witch. That's not true and you know it! I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict... of an inquisitor is guilty of heresy. You seem to know a lot about it. Oh, yes. Won't you tell me... as a friend? There's not much to tell. I too was an inquisitor, but in the early days. When the Inquisition strove to guide, no to punish. Once, I had to preside at he trial of a man... whose only crime was to have translated a Greek book... that conflicted with the Holy Scriptures. Bernardo Gui wanted to condemn him as heretic. I acquitted the man. Then Gui accused me of heresy for having defended him. I appealed to the Pope. I was put in prison... tortured... and I recanted. What happened then? The man was burned at the stake... and I'm still alive. Brother Salvatore... these torments will cause me as much pain as you. You can end it before we even begin. Open the gates of your heart, search the depths of your soul. - Search! - I'm searching, sir. Then tell me... who, among your brethren, is the heretic responsible for these murders? I don't know. I don't know! I don't know anything! Stupid. I don't know anything. Did I lie awake that night, suffering for the girl... or for myself? I did not know. With the dawn, came the envoys of the Pope... our adversaries in the forthcoming debate. But it meant so little to me now. Your Eminence, venerable brothers... at last we meet for this long awaited debate. We have all traveled great distances... to put an end to the dispute... that has so gravely impaired the unity of our Holy Mother Church. Good people throughout Christendom... are directing their gazes at these venerable walls... anxiously awaiting our answer to the vexed question: "Did Christ or did He not own the clothes that He wore?" Beloved brethren of the Franciscan Order... our Holy Father, the Pope, has authorized me... and these, his faithful servants, to speak on his behalf. The question's not whether Christ was poor... but whether the Church should be poor! You, Franciscans, wish to see... the clergy renounce its possessions... and surrender its richness. The abbeys dissipate their sacred treasures... and hand over their fertile acres to the serfs. I found the book. I found the book at the dispensary. A book in Greek. It was behind one of my jars. Don't touch it. Return, lock yourself inside. I'll be there as soon as I can. Thereby depriving the Church of the resources needed to combat unbelievers... and wage war on the infidel. You forget that even the greatest monument to Our Lord... is but a pale reflection of His infinite Majesty and glory... Brother, quick! Salvatore confessed to his heretical past... and yours. You have but little time to escape the flames. Thank you, brother. - Where do you think you're going? - I wasn't trying to escape! How dare you call the Pope's brothel God's palace on Earth? - Answer that, your Eminence! - These murders are a sign. - I don't believe it! - Why not? The Gospel states categorically... that Christ possessed a purse! It's a lie, and you know it! Why did Our Lord command his disciples on seven occasions... to carry neither gold nor silver? Brethern, if you please! A matter has occurred of utmost gravity. Let me go! I swear I didn't kill him! I was in the granary taking the inventory. I never killed anyone, I swear it! Then explain to us the purpose of your escape. I was... I've already ordered your arrest on other charges. I see now that I was correct. Had someone else not chosen to look in the wrong direction... several men of God might still be with us. "Hand above the idol, 1 and 7 of four..." "Use vulgar persons. Take pleasure from their defects." Please, dear boy, I'm trying to think. So am I, master. Then use your head instead of your heart. And we can make some progress. Are books more important than people to you? Did I say they were? You never seem to care about anyone! Can't you at least show a little pity? Perhaps that is the style of my pity. But pity won't save her from the fire. I remind all present that they are bound by their vow of obedience and, on pain of excommunication, to aid the Inquisitor in his painful struggle against heresy. To sit with me on this tribunal... and to share the burden of the verdict... I will require the counsel... of two fellow judges. My lord Abbot... and... Brother William of Baskerville. Salvatore... Salvatore! Would you repeat your confession of last night... that you and your accomplice, Remigio de Varagine... were members of the heretical Dolcinites? Enough! Remigio de Varagine, do you deny the confession of your accomplice? No. I don't deny it. I'm proud of it! For the twelve years I lived here... I stuffed my belly... shagged my wick... and squeezed the hungry peasants for dimes. But now you've given me the strength... to remember what I once believed in with all my heart. And for that I thank you. To remember that you wantonly looted and burned the property of the Church? Yes! To give it back to the people you stole it from! And did you not also slaughter many bishops and priests? Yes! And I'd butcher you people... if I had had the chance! Holy Mary, Mother of God, hear my humble prayer. I know that my sin was very great... but I beg you to not let her suffer for my wrongdoing. Blessed Mother... many years ago you granted a miracle by saving my master. Will you not do the same for this girl? My master says that the simple folk always pay for all. But, please, Holy Mother, do not let it be so. Guilty is that witch... who has seduced a monk... and practiced her diabolical rituals in this hallowed place. Guilty is Salvatore... who has confessed to his heretical past... and was caught in flagrante delito with a witch! Guilty is Remigio de Varagine... who, in addition to not repenting to his former heresies, was caught... attempting to escape after murdering the herbalist Severinus. That's a lie! I never killed the herbalist... or anyone else in this abbey! I therefore, request you... to confirm my sentence, My Lord Abbot. My heart is filled with sorrow... but I can find no reason to contest... the just sentence of the Holy Inquisition. And you, William of Baskerville? Yes, he is guilty. Guilty of having, in his youth... misinterpreted the message of the Gospels... and he is guilty of having confused... the love of poverty with the blind destruction... of wealth and property. But, my Lord Abbot... he is innocent of the crimes that have bathed your abbey in blood. For brother Remigio cannot read Greek... and this entire mystery hinges on... the theft and possession of a book written in Greek... and hidden in some secret part of the library. Since the verdict of the Inquisition has been disputed by Brother William... we are obliged to extract the prisoner's confession to murder. Take him to the forge and show him the instruments. I'll confess anything you want, but don't torture me. I can't go through a night like Salvatore! Very well. Why did you kill them? Why? I don't know why. - Because you were inspired by the devil? - Yes... that's it. I was inspired by the devil. I am inspired by the devil! Adralmech, Lucifer, I summon you... Lords of Hell. The shepherd has done his duty... and the infected sheep must now be consigned to the purifying flames! You may burn brother Remigio... but you willl not put a stop to the crimes being committed in this abbey! Other monks will meet their deaths here... and they also will have black fingers and black tongues! Your Eminence, I beg of you. We, Franciscans, are as appaled as you by brother William's outbursts. Once more we've seen that your theories protect heretics... and lead to murder. The debate is concluded. It seems Brother William has relapsed... into the errors of which he was formerly purged. Having sought yet again to shield a heretic... from just punishment by the Inquisition... he will accompany me to Avignon for confirmation... of my sentence by His Holiness Pope John. I'm right. If only I could find the book and prove that Gui was wrong! But the Antichrist was victorious once more... and nothing seemed to be able to hinder him further. Come, brothers. When the pyres are lighted tonight... Let the flames purify... each of us in his own heart. Let us return to what was, and ever should be... the office of this abbey: The preservation of knowledge. Preservation, I say. Not search for... because there is no progress in the history of knowledge... merely a continuous and sublime recapitulation. Let us now praise the Almighty... that the bloody-eyed antichrist... has been purged from our sacred precincts... and our monastery has returned to peace. The fifth trumpet! It had the power of a thousand scorpions... - He told me. - Who told you? His tongue is black. His fingers are black... just as brother William foretold! It's brother Malachia, father. - Malachia? - Yes, father. Dear God! Not Malachia! Will it never end? Lord Bernardo, William of Baskerville was right. He said... Yes! He knew! Just as I too would have known, had I been the murderer! Find William of Baskerville! But we still don't know how to open the mirror! Perhaps by pressing the 1st and 7th letters of the word "four". But "four" only has 4 letters. In Latin, "quatuor". Remember the inscription above the mirror? But we have to press above an idol. Not "idolum" as in Latin, but "eidolon" as in Greek. Meaning "image, or "reflection". Our own reflection! - This way, master! - No, this way, Adso. Here... Q and R. Pray God we're not mistaken. Come. Good evening, Venerable Jorge. I've been expecting you these several days past, William. You must've flown to this chamber to reach it ahead of us. You've discovered many things... since your arrival at this abbey... but the shortcut through the labyrinth isn't among them. So now, what is it that you want? I want to see the book in Greek you said was never written. A book entirely devoted to comedy, which you hate... as much as you hate laughter. I want to see what is probably the only surviving copy... of the 2nd book of the poetics of Aristotle. William, what a magnificent librarian you'd have been! Here is your well-earned reward. Read it. Leaf through its secrets. You have won. Loos, schnell. "We shall now discuss the way comedy stimulates all the like and ridiculous..." "by using vulgar persons..." "and taking pleasure from their defects." - Carry on, William. Read it! - Master, we must hurry. If the light is too dim for you, give it to the boy... I'm sure he can read it. I would not want my faithful pupil to turn your poisoned pages... not without the protection of a glove, such as I am wearing. The door! Quick, before it shuts us in! Venerable brother, there are many books that speak of comedy. Why does this one fill you with such fear? Because it's by Aristotle. This way. Do you, Salvatore, renounce the devil and embrace Jesus Christ... as your Lord and Savior? Do you, Remigio de Varagine, renounce the devil... - and embrace Jesus... - What for? It's better die fast than to spend... the rest of life in prison. The devil I renounce is you, Bernardo Gui. Do you renounce the devil and embrace Jesus as your Savior? But what is so alarming about laughter? Laughter kills fear... and without fear there can't be any faith. Because without fear of the devil... there is no more need of God. But you will not eliminate laughter by eliminating that book. No, to be sure. Laughter will remain the common man's recreation... but what would happen if, because of this book... learned men work to pronounce it permissible... to laugh at everything? Can we laugh at God? The world would relapse into chaos. Therefore, I seal that which was not to be said... in the tomb I become. He's there, behind the arch! Save me! Look! Courage, brother! Remember Dolcino! Go on! I insist! I insist! . God, save him. Stay back. Burn the witch! Do you dare to raise your hands to the Church? You won't leave! It's all your wrong doing! My master found out the murderer! Help me! Master... I never regretted my decision... for I learned from my master much that was wise... and good and true. When at last we parted company, he presented me with his eyeglasses. I was too young, he said... but one day they would serve me well. And in fact, I am wearing them now on my nose as I write these lines. Then he embraced fondly, like a father, and sent me on my way. I never saw him again, and know not what became of him... but I pray always that God received his soul... and forgave the many little vanities to which was driven... by his intellectual pride. And yet, now that I'm an old, old man... I must confess that of all the faces that appear to me out of the past... the one I see most clearly is that of the girl... of whom I have never ceased to dream... these many long years. She was the only earthly love of my life... yet I never knew nor ever learned... her name. Having reached the end of my poor sinner's life my hair now white.... Hi, I'm Jean-Jacques Annaud. I'm the director of the movie. This movie fascinated me during the three or four years spent making it. I'd been lucky enough to read the book Umberto's novel, prior to its publishing in French in the very first translation and I had been fascinated by the book. And I had the feeling that it had been written for me because there were a certain amount of themes crossing into some fascinations, sometimes precocious, that I had. I spent my childhood taking pictures of monasteries, since the age of 10. I have a huge collection. I was fascinated by ancient Greece, notably Aristotle, so there were themes that seemed to be written specifically for me. By that time, I already was thinking about a movie that I was preparing, The Bear but I stopped it all in order to devote my body and soul to this venture. Those pictures there, since I'm currently speaking 15 years later were shot six months after the shooting, with doubles. Here, on the other hand, is a linking shot with Christian and Sean Connery. I shot this in Abruzzo a chain of mountains splitting Italy, located in the middle of the boot. And there, the monastery you see on top of the mountain is an addition that was made at that time in a very prehistoric way, since we built this cabin with a mirror on which we painted this little piece of monastery. I was in a shed on top of this mountain. And I had selected two doubles six months later. On the other hand, here we are on our set. I say this because I've often been asked where I found this fantastic abbey. I did not find it. It was in the book and we built it. Dante Ferretti was the production designer, and everything you see at this moment, it's a film set. A gigantic film set. It was the first time I could afford such a set and it was the biggest set in Italy since.... Since Cleopatra, which tells how sizable the set was. This image there was rather decisive because when I read the novel, I thought that when the door opened you'd see this very special donjon at once this octagonal donjon. Umberto Eco was inspired by the Torre del Monte, located in the south of Italy. The item you see there, for example was also made. This pot was made by potters, on a wheel according to models from this era. I was indeed delighted in redoing all of this because, after having seen lots of monasteries, more than 300 I never found the right layout to tell this story. Here, you see the great Sean Connery and Christian Slater in this.... Going through this set this entirely built set. It's kind of a mix of plaster, polystyrene, stucco and behind that, there is a whole tubular structure. This small set, here was built, itself on the main set, what we call a cover set. And now, we have Mr. Prechtel answering Michael Lonsdale. This whole group of fantastic actors that I had found after a casting process that lasted for a year and a half across all of Europe.... He is a great actor, from Munich. I stress the fact that there is no.... Aside from one specific actor we'll see later I didn't make up these people as I had done before for Quest for Fire. These actors kept their own faces. I simply insisted, occasionally on changing their features. Here you see an amazing man who is Mr. Chaliapin who was, in fact, an extra. But I hired him instead of John Huston, who had agreed to play this part and that I didn't hire, because I feared that having such a famous actor such a famous personality would indicate at once that he was to have a very specific part in the movie history so I preferred an unknown face. And it's rather unusual to find an unknown face with an actor over 80 years old. In fact, Mr. Chaliapin was a very wealthy man who had lived a very happy life insofar as he was the son of the famous singer, Chaliapin. Here you can see the lovely Christian Slater that I met during a casting session in New York who impressed me a lot with his naturalness. Since then, he has had quite a career. As for Sean Connery, I must say I had thought, like a complete idiot that I was going to find someone with the same charisma as him, but I wanted an unknown person. So I went through every theater in the whole world to find a charismatic actor around 50 years of age who is not famous. And of course, he did not exist. You are not unknown, at 50, if you are a great talent. But I was like everybody. By that time, I had an image of Sean Connery being 007, being James Bond and I could hardly imagine that he could become William of Baskerville. His agent kept calling me, asking for us to meet, which I refused. Till one day, Sean came to my office in Munich opened the script and said, "Listen, boy," with his fantastic voice and he read the first pages. And I must say that I was so impressed by his reading that I rushed to see my producer to tell him, "It's okay. We have our actor." Unfortunately, when I said that to Umberto Eco, the author of the novel he also almost fainted. His wife almost choked. We were in a restaurant in Milan and the company we were with, which shall remain nameless the American company who was to put up money for the film, decided to withdraw when they found out we were going to hire Sean Connery. But I must say that when Umberto Eco saw the movie for the first time he told me, "What you did best, and what I feared most, it's that Sean Connery is fantastic." I must say it was great luck for me to be able to work with Sean who is a great actor. You often hear that after a movie, everyone is speaking about how great it was to work together. Now, I am speaking 15 years later after having seen Sean, often by chance and we have a great affection for one another that comes from true harmony during the shooting from a great joy, for a director, for me, to be able to direct what I called, for a while, a Rolls. Nowadays, maybe one would speak of another car, but Sean was definitely one of these fabulous monsters to whom you can ask anything of and who does everything right on the first take. Same for Michael Lonsdale. Great, big professional. He has a dynamism that totally fit my concerns, there. What was interesting was to make a movie that was going to show the cultural variety that could be found in an abbey at that time, the universities of today in which every nationality mingled. I really loved playing with all the accents of these monks coming from various regions of the medieval world. ... Adelmo's death has caused much spiritual unease among my flock. This is my novice, Adso the youngest son of the Baron of Melk. The shooting, here for example which is not obvious when you hear what you are hearing is dubbed, even in the English version. Because this set I had built, it was somewhere near Rome and it could have any quality, it was close for everybody but it was between a railroad and a highway and right in the takeoff axis of Fiumicino's airplanes. So the sound was a pure disaster, indeed. And moreover, this set being built with plywood, the footsteps didn't fit in at all. So all of these scenes have been dubbed. Ninety-five percent of the movie, even in the original version has been dubbed. ... your monks suspect the presence of a supernatural force within these walls. That's why I need the counsel of an acute man such as you, Brother William. Acute in uncovering and prudent, if necessary in covering up before the papal delegates arrive. Surely you know, my lord, I no longer deal in such matters. I am indeed reluctant to burden you with my dilemma but unless I can put the minds of my flock at rest.... One thing that fascinated me with this movie was that there were several levels to approach it from. One very obvious level, as we have here, a cinematographic show. But what I really liked was that I had to deal with historical issues, with concerns coming from the confrontation of various religious factions. It's most interesting for a director to have various levels of action. Adso! There, I'll show you an image that had me worried. This interior of a church has been shot, oddly, on a real set an abbey named Eberbach, located in the Rhine Valley in Germany, in which we did other scenes. Which means that our exteriors are built sets, while some interiors the images we see here are shot in a real place, in a Cistercian abbey. But we had to bring all the furniture, including our stalls and this virgin under which Ubertino de Casale bows low who is played by an extraordinary and legendary actor, Bill Hickey. He is bowing low in front of a virgin that has been described by Umberto Eco as being extremely attractive. She had, I can remember it from Umberto Eco's description her chest and bosom squeezed in a small piece of cloth a kind of bra, indeed, that made her extremely erotic for people at that time. And I had to build this statue, because at that time in 1327, we are at a time when the finishing Gothic art doesn't show women's bodies yet. So I had to make a statue, and I was given a model to approve. But when the statue arrived on my set, it was clearly a Renaissance statue, so I turned it down. And then, my chief designer, my producer, became mad and said, "Are you nuts? We had this huge set built, we had the stalls made of oak tree, wrought iron. What's the problem with this so-called Renaissance statue?" So I explained that the figures were not adequate that it was a much later style, but I finally agreed to shoot with it. And at the very first screening of the movie, which took place in Marseilles the first question I was asked after the screening was how could I have not noticed that this statue was an incredible mistake, dramatically damaging the film's credibility. ... something feminine something diabolical about the young one who died. Let's come to this man, to Bill Hickey. He had a very famous acting school in New York, and he trained generations of actors. And I very much enjoyed working with this movie legend. He had a very beautiful part in Prizzi's Honor the movie by John Huston. I'm afraid, William for you, for me for the outcome of this debate. My son. The times we live in. What I loved in this movie, was to play with all these faces so different, these talents coming from totally opposite universes. Get back Sean Connery after the whole James Bond saga, and lead him to be a 14th-century monk. Here is the virgin I was speaking of. Having the difficulty, also of working with a beginner such as.... As Christian Slater or working with Bill Hickey, who is indeed a great comedy actor, this is a big pleasure for a director, obviously. Please note that all the tonsures are real. Not a single toupee. Here we are back on my set. Please also note that the gray sky in the background is artificial. I had huge smoke machines, because I was shooting in Rome where the weather is usually great with a burning sun and I broke this southern weather by sending up huge amounts of smoke. I had three Land Rovers fitted with big military devices, used to blur the place, in order to not be seen by planes. So I used all this equipment. Incredible luck, here. What you have here is an image shot on our Rome set with artificial snow. My concern was that, within 15 days, I had spent my whole snow budget. And I was lucky enough to get real snow, in Rome most unusual during my shooting. I'll show you when. God sent me what I needed to complete my movie. Here again, we are on our set. And we are about to reveal the beautiful Valentina Vargas who, I must say, had been opposed to several fantastic other actresses, but she got along with everybody because of her wild charm. Adso? No devil needed anymore. Here she is. Yes. More blood here. That's where he fell from. He jumped. - Adso, are you paying attention? - Yes. Again, this entire film has been made, and every detail of our costumes.... Here, for example, I see this. We had Moroccan weavers to do everything, some very particular weavings in goat hair as well as the sandals, for example, also made of goat hair. Every detail, when I see such an image, everything has been made up for the movie. Every detail, including the trees, has been put in. We go back there, nowadays there is nothing left, just this piece of cliff, and that's it. ... is a place abandoned by God? Have you ever known a place where God would have felt at home? We praise almighty God.... Here, we are on the Eberbach set. Again, it's a place that I've fit out, that was in a former church, and I've built this refectory in it. I had made very important historical investigations in order to know, for example, what was the flatware like what the plates looked like how the monks were sitting, what were the light sources. Everything that's on the table has been made for the movie always after models from the time, and under a medievalist's guidance whose name is Jacques Le Goff. The pulpit, on the right, has been built... I still have it in my garage. Has been built for the movie. The tables have been built for the movie. The basins, in which you can see the glowing embers were made for the movie as well. Here, we begin to make out these faces that I call marvelous. I have looked closely at paintings and engravings of that time what is called the marginalia, that is the monks' drawings in the manuscripts, in the margin. Again, an image shot on the spot, with some big lights set on the top of the tower. This astrolabe we made it from an ancient model. It is very beautiful. It is in solid copper. This was a small set used as a cover set, in which we could go and shoot when the weather was too bad. Every scene shot in the cell between William and Adso were last-minute scenes, unprepared when I could not shoot on the big set due to the bad weather. It had the advantage of being built on the spot. Each one of these manuscripts has been handmade in various abbeys specializing in the restoration of ancient books. Back to this Mr. Chaliapin. I had asked him to remove his dentures and I asked him to wear contact lenses. White, and so he couldn't see anything. He was totally dedicated and marvelous for the movie. Again, we are on a set in which the monks are working, what is called a scriptorium. And it was also shot in a former refectory, in this cloister in Eberbach, in Germany. A detail, here. You see Sean Connery with this oil lamp. Actually, behind this oil lamp, there is a small flashlight equipped with a dimmer but it has to be supplied. And so Sean was wearing a battery belt that allowed, with a wire, to feed these lamps. It's always a big issue for everybody to increase the flame on camera in a way that the little hidden lamp was able to provide enough light for his face and his partner's face. Here is the set in Abruzzo. Here, I shot in the real church in this cloister, but everything you see behind, the stalls' woodwork was entirely made by us, in old oak. All this, the candle too has been made for the movie. It took almost one year in production to shoot the movie. The fog here is real. Sometimes one gets lucky. Here, you see.... It's an expensive set, because the wood is something very heavy, and it took a lot of time to make all this. It's a character, playing the part of this monk who is an actor, who was an actor, who was mythical, in Austria. His name is Qualtinger, I'll come back to him later. He was a man who was strongly.... He was deeply anti-Nazi and had great fame. With this scene comes the spectacular part of the movie. The part that is, in a way like a detective film, I should say. The moments when the movie tackles the enigma. And I must say it was fun for me to have to go from some scenes in which we tackled religious issues, to some scenes like this one rather gruesome, this one which is the first scene dealing with the murders the effects of which we see on-screen. What was fun, was to have a series of clues that we were to find again later. It was the first time I was shooting a movie of this kind, and I looked at many famous thrillers. I looked in particular at all of Hitchcock's movies and read all of his interviews in order to properly give structure to the detective framework of the movie, which I used to compare to a mille-feuille because the overall taste cannot be judged from the layer of pastry, or the layer of cream or the sugar above. You have to eat the cake vertically slicing it in a way that allows you to taste every flavor altogether. And that was one of my fascinations for this movie. Of course, I've scrupulously kept the book's structure for these events. On the other hand, it is obvious that I had to make some choices in a 550-page book requiring 16 hours of nonstop reading. The movie is two hours 10, one must choose. ... will fall in fountains of water. Do not squander! The last seven days! Of course, there are elements that are not in the book and that you have in the movie. Visual elements the writer cannot describe. Every detail you can see here, in this image. But on the other hand, you see the sphere on the right that we will find again later, that has a part to play in the various murders that will come. All the retorts, these things, have been made according to ancient models because you cannot find such objects in the museums, or if you find them they are so rare and expensive that you cannot bring them to a shooting. ... in which you apply arsenic, Brother Severinus? Yes, indeed. It is a most effective remedy for nervous disorders if taken as a compound in small doses. And what of not-so-small doses? Death. Here, it's a small set that had been built on the big one, one of our cover sets which was built directly on the main production set. This man is a Russian actor whose name is Elya Baskin. He is now working in the States, and it was his first part in English. ... or against nature. And they were not of the latter disposition if you ascertain my meaning. Here again, artificial fog and there, the big gate. Umberto Eco was inspired by the Moissac gate which was totally rebuilt on the main set, as well as the gate interior. And all of these bas-reliefs, these friezes.... All of these are castings, or are originals. The moving statues are in latex. Here, I have my favorite actor who is Ron Perlman who I like very much, who gets me laughing, who fascinates me. And I discovered him for Quest for Fire. He was one of the two protagonists in Quest for Fire. There, he has some kind of a fake nose he has dentures in his mouth. And on the other hand, the specific tonsure he has on his head, scabies-like had been done for good, and it meant that my poor friend had to live with a bonnet for six months. Ugly con Salvatore, eh? My little brother, penitenziagite. He is a great actor who has had a fantastic career. But, because of me, he made a career as a beast, a monster in various movies. He was in Jeunet's Alien he was in The City of Lost Children he was.... He was in a very big TV series, Beauty and the Beast, in which he was not playing Beauty. He is an incredibly adaptable actor and I had the great pleasure to meet with him again for Enemy at the Gates. It's called Stalingrad in France, and he had an amazing performance once again. Here we are in one of those scenes in which we tackle the historical side, the religious history with this dive into the heresies of the time. Which is rather difficult in a movie meant for a movie audience, an audience composed of every social and cultural circle, to try and slip in those kind of things without tiring, without annoying while giving the necessary keys to fully understand the whole complexity of the story. An extraordinary thing with Sean Connery, he is fantastic in the first three takes and he will not accept, in fact, technical mistakes because he is losing a lot of.... Let's say losing his innocence in the following takes. It's a great joy for me, for I'm not someone who likes to make multiple takes. I like it when it's good the first few times. What we would do with Sean, we rehearsed a lot, sometimes 20, 30 times and we would do very few takes. But, yes, you're right. We must keep an open mind. We are very fortunate to have such snowy ground here. It's the parchment on which the criminal unwittingly writes his autograph. Now, what do you read from these footprints here? That they are... - ...twice as deep as the others. - Good, Adso. And thus we may conclude...? - Well, that the man was very heavy. - Precisely. And why was he very heavy? Because... - ...he was very fat? - Or because he was being burdened with the weight of another man. Let us commit the autograph of this sole to our memory. But the footprints lead away from the jar in this direction. Oh, you turnip, Adso. You're discounting the possibility that the man was walking backwards, dragging the body thus.... Hence, the furrows created by the heels. Now, where did the erudite Greek translator meet the anonymous author of his death? Here, this scriptorium set we came in, in fact, through the exterior door built on my set in Rome, and we are now in Germany, in Eberbach, in a Cistercian cloister. The room in which I built the scriptorium was the former refectory and all the furniture you see was built for the movie the lecterns, the tables, the props the brushes, all were made for the movie. As well as the books which were stored in a safe each day since each one of the books cost the production a real fortune. They had been bound by some of the few book binders who know how to bind in the traditional way that was used in the Middle Ages. In fact we hired some professionals who worked on ancient manuscript restoration. Everything was done on parchment, on sheep's skin or on sheep's stomach skin, and even, sometimes on lamb fetus skin. Here is what is called "occhi di vetro con capsula" that is "glass eyes in capsule." And the manuscript you see here was a big issue to me. The images you see, there, were shot a few days before the release of the movie because the manuscript, despite all protective measures, had been stolen between the first and second day of shooting. I trust my words did not offend you, Brother William but I heard persons laughing at laughable things. You Franciscans, however, belong to an order where merriment... - ...is viewed with indulgence. - Yes, it's true. St. Francis was much disposed to laughter. These scenes were very interesting to shoot, for me, because it mixed first, a lot of actors with fascinating faces and with a rich talent but what I liked most was the mix of the detective framework with the historical framework and, I could say, the philosophical framework. There is nothing in the scriptures to say that he did. Nothing in the scriptures says that he did not. Even the saints have employed comedy to ridicule the enemies of the faith. I must say that, at the time, I was personally fascinated with what may seem to be protractive wrangling but that was very serious in the Middle Ages, that divided the Church but split the world today, between Protestants, Catholics, Orthodoxes Maronites. And then, at that time some heresies jeopardized the world's cohesion. And yet, Aristotle devoted his second book of Poetics to comedy as an instrument of truth. Many people thought that the faces were inspired by Bosch but no. Bosch painted imaginary characters, characters from hell. I looked mostly at Dutch painters, I looked at Brueghel. When you look in detail, you can see that the mugs of that time that you can still find in some rural places we are not very used to seeing these kind of faces because there is a kind of televisual tradition to hire people with a standard physique magazine formatted, I should say. I have been lucky enough to work with truly great actors with faces I'd like to describe as sincere. For example, Michael Habek, who you can see here a fantastic actor from Bavaria I changed very few things with him. I shaved him. I shaved his skull and I shaved his eyebrows and I made him up with a very pale, very white, Pierrot face. The reasons that led me to choose such extreme faces.... First is my taste for these faces. The second is a concern about the historical truth. Because, at that time cosmetic surgery did not exist, there were no dentists. And people's faces grew older as should be the case. And the third reason was that I had characters in uniform in monk uniforms and in order to acknowledge who was doing what in the movie we needed to have highly recognizable faces. - Do you know where the books are? - No. But I'll wager my faith that that tower.... When you see these days, which I mentioned earlier where the sky is desperately blue, I had to use the smoke machines. Here, change of style. After discussions on laughter well, a chase scene, which as it is done in music, you alternate slow and fast movements it gives dynamics to the storytelling. Here again, I did my best to follow closely Umberto Eco's structure. I must say that I had a fabulous relationship with Umberto Eco who still is, to this day, one of my best friends and probably one of the men that I admire most in the whole world. A man of incredible culture, but also incredibly funny. He had an incredible attitude with me. He told me, "That's my book, and that's your film. The one thing I ask.... My book has been successful make a successful movie." I told him, "That's something I cannot promise. I can promise to spend all the time needed, to work with all my heart but I cannot.... There is no recipe for being successful. Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee the one thing you are asking for." I assumed he could not resist the temptation to penetrate the library and look at the books. All this was shot at night, on my big set. Tonino Delli Colli was in charge of the cinematography and he is a true genius at this. He is always ready before everyone else. He works incredibly fast. He started his career at the time of classic Italian cinema. He was a cinematographer for Pasolini, Scola, Fellini and more recently, for Benigni. He is a most incredible man and I owe him for all these images. We were inspired by a lot of famous paintings. A lot of Rembrandt, of course but also a lot of Dutch painters, whose lighting I'm very fond of. All these scenes that look very simple. What was very tough, I mentioned it previously is the interplay of our lanterns. How.... Christian, there, holding this lantern it's very complicated, he must light his face without revealing the small lamp lighting up his partner, Sean Connery. It's fun, my job is funny for this reason, in that we have several things to handle. We have, of course, the narrative structure of the movie, and we also have all these details which waste our time when shooting, and if you don't handle it correctly the story itself will suffer from this. I want to say that for this ink we used a very ancient process but we quite simply used some lemon. Of course, we had to do that 20 times, which Sean was not very happy with and he became nervous, because the lemon didn't always have the right density. It's rather complicated. Ah, yes. Written with lemon juice. Sagittarius. The smallest detail, for example this hammer, was made for the movie. It was forged according to ancient models. It's some zodiacal code giving directions, but to where? Hey! Who's there? Who's there? I loved looking at all these books. I loved them so much. I wanted to have the privilege of touching those wonders, in a way to own them. That's what's great when you are directing a movie you have this fantastic pleasure to create what you want. And all I see, there, at this very moment these are images I dreamt of a few years before shooting them, to make them such as I had seen them. Very often, people say, "Why build?" That's because I cannot find in the real world the dream I had when reading the book or more simply, when dreaming. I love to make my own world. I found this set in a real vault in this monastery, in Eberbach. And I asked my producers to arrange for this scene to come late in the movie, because such scenes with sensuality, are very difficult to tackle. And of course, with the other sets not being ready I had to shoot this scene on the second day of shooting. You can imagine that when the crew and actors don't know each other well are not familiar with the crew, the set, and even the story having to deal with a scene in which you have to manage the actors' confidence you always feel very bad. I shot the coming scene as I always shoot these scenes, shooting only one take but with three cameras, with a very small crew. I'll find you. In this movie, I had to alternate wide shots with closer shots because you have a lot of details that are important to the detective story since I'm, in a way, in a Sherlock Holmes story. All these clues have to be shown subtly. Every close-up, every detail has its meaning. And sometimes it takes a lot of times. For example this package, we had to gauge it. We added this detail a few weeks later, in fact. Here, I come back to this scene. I had explained to Christian Slater that it was the girl's scene, that she would be the one doing it according to what I'd say. ... radiant as the sun terrible as an army poised for battle? This part of the scene was shot in the morning and the second part was shot during the afternoon. Even if there is only one take the time it takes to get psychologically prepared to set the cameras, to have everyone get out, keeping only the crew needed, the cameraman, the sound man, the script and I it takes a lot of time. And what is scary for such a scene is that it doesn't work the first time, it never works. Here, we have the afternoon scenes. The camera has completely changed, I was on the other side. I wanted to have the woman's hips in the foreground and in the afternoon, for the end, I wanted to shoot this axis. Close to the faces, close to some tenderness. Here, again, I'm on the built set with the artificial snow. This is where you catch them? These heresies, particularly the Dulcinian heresy, had been a true drama for the Church that jeopardized the cohesion of Christianity. Today, this drama seems very distant but we still are, as I said before, their natural heirs. As you're a good Christian, you must tell me this. So Adelmo gave the parchment to Berengar. No, no. To the translo.... The transla... Translator! Venantius, the black monk. - And what happened then? - Then.... When I'm asked which are the most difficult scenes in such movies I always answer the love scenes which are incredibly tough to tackle. It has a tonal unity that I thought very important, as you can see. I worked a lot on beiges, on browns, on blacks contrasting with scenes later on, in which you have the brightness of papal clothing. At that time, there was a whole symbolism of colors meaning that poor people could not access expensive pigments and dyes so they were always wearing brown clothing or dark blue clothing, or faded black clothing. Only rich people could afford either the white, that has to be washed or the vivid colors needing very expensive pigments. That's why Franciscans were in brown, which was in fact the base color, without any use of pigments. - He must have been a very ugly monk. - Why ugly? If he'd been young and beautiful.... So, every sound was rerecorded afterwards. When you redo the voices in post, you have to redo everything. In fact, the one scene that was not dubbed in the whole movie, is the one we see here. That means nothing regarding the French version in which everything was dubbed but in the English language, it's the one that remained, because it was shot during the night and so there were not too many people on the highway, or planes. It's another scene, here, that I did exactly as I did the love scene. It's a confidence scene. And I shot it in one take, with a camera position that's very static, as you see and another camera working on the close-ups. And I love these scenes in which the actors have time to grasp the tone of the scene. I remember one thing. At the end, I had been so amazed by the simplicity of Sean's acting that I had a lump in my throat and couldn't say "cut" and I had to physically go in front of the camera and make the sign to cut. ... in love? In love? Yeah. Many times. - You were? - Yes, of course. Of course, I didn't have big success with this in the States. I have to say that I received horrible reviews with this movie. By horrible, I mean, you have to experience this once in your life in order to either survive, or to do something else. And I really wasn't spared by the critics. And I thought, reading these horrible reviews and when I saw the disastrous results in America that I should go back to my former job which was shooting commercials. The American media, in absolute unanimity had found the movie to be dirty because the actors were not very clean... They were wearing unwashed clothes. ... and incomprehensible and of course, such a scene weighed into their judging. I had some very painful moments, it took some time to recover. And the film had a long life. It's a film that had huge success in Europe and in Asia but never really worked in the States, except for a few years when, thanks to video and television the movie became famous. Of course, I don't have the benefit of your experience. But I find it difficult to convince myself that God would have introduced such a foul being into creation without endowing her with some virtues. How peaceful life would be without love, Adso. How safe. How tranquil. And how dull. So, this is shot in Abruzzo, with doubles. How beautiful. Lord, you have guided.... It's weird, when speaking of these horrible reviews I always feel a pain, I think. I admit, I find it good.... - Amen. - Amen. Brother Berengar? I love reviews. I'm not blaming the media, it's simply that when there is such an unanimity, as there was for this movie I wondered whether I should keep doing this job so poorly. Brother Berengar. Master, look. The door. Brother Malachia. I really do love this actor, Volker Prechtel. He is a very popular actor who is working a lot for television in Bavaria, and he has such a weird face such a remarkable thinness but he holds his physique with a true authority. And as I said before it's important to recognize at first glance people all dressed in black. It is a strict rule of the abbot that no one is permitted to enter the abbey library other than myself and my assistant. I see. Thank you again. I was very pleased when recording the sacred music. I recorded that at the end of the movie with a Munich choir and I had the pleasure of conducting the choir by myself and with the help of a choirmaster. I had the extreme joy. I am a huge fan of classical music and it was a very rare occasion to have several instrumentalists under my conducting. Welcome to our abbey, Brother Michele.... Here, we have Andrew Birkin, he is Jane's brother who was one of the four scriptwriters. - Unhand me! - Salvatore, let him go. This is Cuthbert of Winchester, one of our most esteemed Franciscan guests. Come, Your Grace. We have a most urgent matter to discuss. At this level, since I see Andrew Birkin, here, on the right I'd made 17 versions of this scenario. Nine with my friend Alain Godard, who was the first to sort out this very complex novel. And after one year of work with me, he broke down one day and he crossed himself, like Ubertino de Casale and he asked me, "Will this ever end?" And indeed, it was very complicated to write. After these nine versions, I asked my friend Gérard Brach to get involved. He did three other versions, and after that I finished with Andrew Birkin on the last versions. In the meantime I worked with another scriptwriter, whose name is Howard Franklin who helped me with the 11th version. Did you find a book in Greek? No. I was right. So was the book of Revelation. - We must talk at once. - Indeed, we must. And I have much to tell. Just as soon as he and I have examined this corpse. Here we have Michael Habeck who let himself put on some weight, as everybody can see. None that I know of. Ink stains. Lots of dialogue comes straight from Umberto's text. At that time, I remember I knew the book's 550 pages by heart. And I still have, today, a passion, a huge respect for this movie... For this movie! For this book. What I wanted to say, what's fun for Umberto and I, very often people come and see Umberto, saying, "I really love your book! It's great!" And they quote a scene or several scenes, that are not in the book, only in the movie to his total amusement because he has enough humor to laugh about that. ... who possessed this parchment before Venantius. And how do we know that? Because those random notes overrun Adelmo's blue smudge, and not vice versa. Brother William, this abbey is enshrouded in a terrifying mystery. This is shot on a set in Cinecittà. This set of a crypt has been built on a stage. It's one of the sets built in these mythical studios in Cinecittà, with the one, later, of the library. ... great pains to conceal a secret of the first magnitude. Now, the calligraphy is, without question, left-handed. And the only left-handed member of your community.... Here, this framework, on the other hand I'm totally in Umberto's text very close to what he wrote in the book. I have the feeling that you're about to tell me. Books. Restricted books. Spiritually dangerous books. Everyone here knew of the assistant librarian's passion for handsome boys. When the beautiful Adelmo wanted to read such a forbidden book Berengar offered Adelmo the key to its whereabouts.... Here, I'm using the traditional structure of an enigma movie in which you have a summary of the drama, so that everybody is able to understand the theory. But I have to do it through images.... Show images already seen in the movie, or that have not been shown. There was a witness. The hunchback who saw Adelmo giving this parchment to Venantius. Then running towards the small tower and hurling himself out of the window. Let me take advantage of this summary to speak about the music, composed by James Horner with whom I fell out during the recording simply because we were among the first people to use a sampler. Today it's a most common technique. But what we wanted to do was to record in museums, ancient medieval instruments and to replay these authentic instruments on a computer keyboard. The problem being that, at that time, the procedure was so primitive that the slightest minute of music required a considerable amount of time. So after having chosen every detail of the sound when I heard everything together, I was very often unsatisfied. And I must say that James and I fell out for some years, in fact while acknowledging that he composed quite extraordinary music. I love very much, I must say, this small bell that he put there. But I must add that since then, we met again with great joy and I did Enemy at the Gates with him. And I really think he is a remarkable man and a great composer. Thank you, Brother William. We are mindful of your efforts but I should now ask you to refrain from further investigations. Happily, there will be someone arriving with the papal delegation who is well-versed in the wiles of the evil one. A man, I believe, you know only too well. Bernardo Gui.... Since we are speaking of Bernardo Gui Bernardo Gui was a real historical character one of the most famous inquisitors of his time and you can still find his written works which inspired a lot of the Nazis' torture techniques and that remains one of the most extraordinary texts on how to make the most of denouncement and the best method to get confessions, even if they are fake. And I showed him in the movie in a very dark light. Actually, he was considered, in comparison with other inquisitors to be someone who tried to end the Inquisition's abuses. William is always right! No matter what the consequences, to himself or anyone else William of Baskerville must always prove himself right. Was it not your vanity, your stubborn intellectual pride that brought you into conflict with Bernardo before? Do not tempt fate twice, William. Even the emperor won't be able to save you if you tangle with Bernardo again. That was in the environment of our main set. As you see, it's a huge set to manage, several hectares and it was very difficult when you wanted to have snow, all this snow, this foam. It requires many hoses, firefighter trucks. And moreover, the snow disappears in a few minutes in Rome's warm climate. These images have totally disgusted our American audience. It's, of course, inspired by the medieval era which you can find, as I said in Brueghel's paintings. ... to lifting her people out of their physical destitution and spiritual deprivation. Here, I'm back with the images shot in Germany. With these Gregorian chants that were synchronized later but I had taught all the extras to sing in the same rhythm. We have Vernon Dobtcheff, there beside William, beside Sean Connery. Farewell, William. You are mad and arrogant but I love you and shall never cease to pray for you. Goodbye, dear child. Try not to learn too many bad examples from your master. He thinks too much. I remember having said to my designer, Dante Ferretti: "I'd be extremely angry with you if people think that you have made a marvelous set. What I want to hear is that we found a fantastic abbey." And I must say that he did so well that nobody thought it was a set and so, he was never nominated for the best set of the year. Everybody thought I found that in the marvelous European monasteries. I truly went and saw every.... Not every one, there are so many of them. But I went to see more than 300. And since I never found a monastery with all the qualities I wished for I had to have it built. Here we are entering a built set, on a Cinecittà stage but we are going to enter some catacombs that are true catacombs found under a restaurant near Rome. I wanted to shoot in other catacombs which were the catacombs.... The famous Rome catacombs. Unfortunately, the Vatican learned that it was for Name of the Rose, and they thought it was so blasphemous that I was strictly forbidden to shoot on any of the Vatican's properties. - That one. - My choice exactly. We came this close, Umberto and I, to being excommunicated. It's incredible to see how things can change in a few years. Nowadays, Umberto Eco is a leading member of Italian culture but when he published the book there was a leap from the Vatican which prevented me from shooting in any place that was a possession of this Italian church. Those are the foundations of the tower. But how we reach the library... The rats love parchment even more than scholars do. Let's follow him. 166. Bolted scriptorium door. 167, 168, 169, 170. 317, 318.... Here we are on another set that we built in the Cinecittà area. I say "area" because we are not really on a stage. I made the studio around the set because the set was so big. There was no studio in the world that could welcome it, in height. I could have put it horizontally, but this one was vertical, unfortunately. On the other hand the various rooms of this maze being all similar.... I only had three of them built. These small, hexagonal rooms that we see. And it was a hell of a brainteaser, because each time, we changed the books and the layout inside. Here, for example, we are on the same set in the same room as the previous room. But the lecterns are not the same, the books the lights are not the same. And so, you are lost, which is the true idea but I must say it was a real headache remembering on which axis we had shot. Here, we have a wonderful piece of work of which we had redone around 30 pages, all by hand, of course. It's a book I promised to give Umberto. His son was in charge of keeping it and he put it back into a safe each day. And the last day of shooting when we offered it to Umberto there were no illuminated pages left there was just 100 pages of raw parchment. To this day, I still don't know who stole this manuscript. All this, each of these scenes has been shot in one of these three little cells. A microscopic set, it was hard to be all together because we were a big crew, indeed. ... and ideas that could encourage us to doubt the infallibility of the word of God. Always the same issues with the lanterns. Once again, for it was such a headache during the shooting. See, there, the young Christian Slater has to move the lantern direction, so as not to see the lamp interior and must remember to light up his face. Master? And here, we are on the main set, that was built for good. I was very angry when I read that I had some models that it looked like models. There are no models at all, except the one at the very beginning. This abbey on top on the mountains, all of this was built at full scale in this huge place, and I think they kept it for a while in Cinecittà. I'm not walking, Adso. I'm down here. All of this woodwork was made out of ancient wood that had been salvaged from some old farms, in the Rome region. Um, would it be alright if I take this? You came? - Weren't you surprised by... - Shut up! I'm sorry. Excuse me. [August 20, 2006] [Went to lake with Nee-san.] [Boat. The stars are falling.] The stars are falling above the lake... On July 2nd, 5 years ago, we have sheet music, but no notes. Masaru-san, are you okay? Ah! It looks like he wrote these notes in a panic... Do Mi La Re... Do Mi La Re... Yo, Tsukumo-chan. What a coincidence. This isn't a coincidence, is it... Are you alright? I took it. Why'd you invite a girl like her...? I like how quiet she is... You like quiet people? - I listen to people all day long for work, so... - I see... More importantly, did you figure out "Do Mi La Re?" Didn't you hear what I just said? Well... It seems that I couldn't figure out a woman's heart, or the "Do Mi La Re." Seems? It's all red... Do Mi La Re... Piano Sonata #2 in C Minor. These are pictures from Kinoshita-san's autopsy. These show how the blood settled in the body after death. The next pictures show how the body was discovered at the scene. If the body had been in this position the entire time the blood should've settled in this manner. However, the blood pooled only on the left side of the body. I'm no expert at this but... After he was murdered, I was thinking that the body was probably kept in this position. You think he was hidden somewhere? We also went to the atelier to investigate. In the area surrounding the house, we found a footprint that was quite deep. At first we thought that it might belong to someone just passing through the area. However, there is something definitively strange about the footprint. How was it strange? The estimated weight of the person is 150 kg (330lbs). The perpetrator is that big? Based on the size of the footprint, it's hard to believe the person would be that big. So, could it mean that the person was carrying something heavy? That's correct. Then, that means... He was carrying Kinoshita-san's body? That's right. This means the scene of the murder wasn't the atelier. After murdering Kinoshita-san, the perpetrator put him the trunk of a car. He drove to the atelier, took the body out of the trunk and carried him inside. So who could it have been? All of this means that the perpetrator went to the atelier by car. To get to the atelier one must pass a N-System camera here or here to get there. We've made a list of every car that passed these points between 7pm on the 8th and 6am the next morning. Please let us know if you see someone of interest. Piano Sonata #5 in E flat major. C minor... E flat major... I can't see! Sorry... That's it. The Do Mi La Re... This case just got huge. Nanba-san, please take a look at this. Weren't there 3 perpetrators? We're going to solve the case. There's a bomb here! Please help me. It's probably multiple personality disorder. This is going to get really complicated! We'll find the evidence! The murderer has a gun! You've opened Pandora's box. Pandora's box? You are eternal. It's over. I don't need you to comfort me. What is this? Damn you! Your memory made you into the suspect. This is the last one. I want to break up with you. You're the real perpetrator, aren't you Hold on a minute there, Ms. Campbell. We're screening students for lice. Oh, no, thanks. We just bought magazines. No, no, we're not asking for money. We've had an outbreak and all students must be checked. Those with lice will not be allowed into the school. Come on, lice. No, I can promise you Ritchie does not have lice, he takes a 45-minute shower every day. I mean, if he told me he was going blind, that would make sense. But he does not have... Lice. Take him away. What? No, no, no, no. That's not lice. That is dandruff. Seriously, his scalp is dry from those long showers. I mean, even the hair on the palm of his hand has dandruff. Oh, no need to check our girls. We don't sleep on buses or try on hats from the dollar store. You just described my last spring break. Lice. Oh, no. That's not possible. Kelsey doesn't have lice. Her colorist would have known. Would all of the infested students please move to your area. Yes, please, for god's sake. You're going to contaminate the good people. Thank you. I can't say it, but you can. God, can we please just stop talking about it? We've got a live one. A live what? Your baby's got bugs. Maybe we can go on spring break together. the.new.adventures.of.old.christine. Season 4 Episode 19 First of all, I think we should all take a deep breath. Lice happens and you should not feel ostracized or stigmatized in any way. Okay, now I'm going to need all my lice people to stand back from the fence. Last time I had lice I was in college. Christine, you don't call it lice when it's down there. Nice girls do. Now I know everyone has a lot of questions, So I would like to read a pamphlet. This has been put out by the health department, and it is entitled "Lice: Fact and Myth." Let's see how we do. "Number one: it is impossible or probable not to get lice from a hairbrush "from a not-unknown source. "Fact or myth? What? You mean, it's impossible not to get lice? Fact. "Number two: it is not implausible to contract head lice by prohibiting the sharing of hats, helmets, and scarves. "Fact or myth? Obviously, that's going to be myth. Uh-oh, fact. Wait. I'm having trouble understanding this. Yeah, you know, I think I'm just going to toss these over the fence, and uh... If you have any questions, just have a look. I have a question. How did this happen? Who would bring lice into our school? merrow: now,now,now. Hey, hey, now it doesn't t do any good to point fingers. Lice can afflict anyone, so let's not make any accusations. Is it true that lice are more common in poor people? Fact. Hey, I'm not poor. I'm regular. Well, low regular. high poor. I heard that lice are carried by divorced people. Oh, fact. Come on! People, it doesn't matter who patient zero is. That fact is, we have an outbreak anand we have to act together to contain it. So I don't want any more questions that imply the identity of our carrier. Well, that's it. I'm done. I'm done with those women. I'm done with that school. I am done. What happened? What are you doing home from school, buddy? you sick? no,i have lice. disgusting! get off me! stop it. stop it.you're going to hurt his feelings. no,he isn't. i love lice. i knew this would happen. i told you not to buy pillows at a garage sale. ritchie,sweetie,go upstairs start playing video games, while i read this pamphlet and figure out how to get rid of them. christine,i just got an e-mail from the room parent at school. they said you infested the place with lice. what? are you kidding me? they sent 20 people home today with lice, and yet they all assume that i am patient zero? yeah,and you know why? because i don't drive a fancy car,because i fly coach, because i don't have nannies raising my kids. because you used a brush you found in the park. it was on a bench,richard. you act as if i found it on the ground. i am so sick of the snobs at this school. this time i vow i'm going to do something about it. your vows don't mean anything. remember "no tv during dinner"? or "live a life of service"? till death do us what? you know what,this time i mean it,seriously. i'm getting ritchie out of that school. what are you going to do,home-school him? yeah,at least then he'd make the sports team. maybe. no,you know what, there's a charter school that opened up a few blocks away. yeah,that's right. ritchie's going to go there. it's public; he can walk to it; he can hang out with neighborhood kids, play a little stickball,sit on the stoop. is the charter school in west side story? i'm doing it,okay? you guys read this pamphlet and figure out what do do with lice-boy upstairs,okay? i'm going to go check out that public school. i went to public school. god,if public school's good enough for me,it's good enough for ritchie. what is wrong with this door? you have to pull. yeah,right,right. oh,man,lice. new christine's gonna flip. she had lice when she was a kid and the other kids made fun. her self-esteem never recovered. enter you. right place,right time. anyway,she had to shave her head. her mom scotch-taped bows to her scalp so people would know she was a girl. wait,wait,wait,if i get lice,i can't shave my head. what's the big deal? i did it once.it grows back. no,no,no,no,no. this is a disaster. here,come on.check me.check me. why are you freaking out? because i have a condition. on the back of my head there's this crease. a crease? it's a crevice,a crack,a vertical crack. you have a butt-head? okay,i don't want to talk about it. shave your head.i want to see the butt. no,i am not shaving it! i was tortured for my head. for the first few years of my life,christine put diapers on it. all right,all right,relax,okay? we'll check each other. okay. you're good.now do me. you didn't even look. lice live in hair.you're good. oh,really? you're making fun of me,butt-head? okay,just check it. all right. what's the...what's the matter? did you find lice? no. i found the butt. so,that is our school. now,it's not fancy,but our students and staff are challenged and happy. i just love how diverse the student body is-- and the administration. my best friend is diverse. she's black. yeah,yeah,ah,i got that. and i have to tell you,i love anything public. you know,public school,public radio, public bathrooms. i use those all the time. i don't sit on the seat,though. i mean,not because i'm a snob or anything like that. it's just that i hate it when the seat is warm or if it's like really wet. ms. campbell,i think we've gotten off track. oh,okay. oh,hey,i'm sorry for interrupting. diane,thank you so much for taking care of eric yesterday. you saved my life. please,if i hadn't taken him home,i'm sure one of the parents would have. well,i just got divorced and my ex and i are still trying to negotiate the awkward "how to pick up your kid without violating the restraining order" phase. mrs. campbell,this is mrs. sellick.she's a parent here at the school. oh,everyone calls me dee. oh,people can be so mean. what does it stand for? divorced? depressed? dumped? no.my name is dee. oh,it's-it's a beautiful name. would you like a donut? ooh,public donuts. my tax dollars at work. yeah,she's coming over from westbridge. ah,westbridge. you're probably used to homemade stuff. i-i don't really have time to cook-- i work. oh,no,i'm not a westbridge person. i'm like you. i work. i'm divorced. i cut my own hair. i don't cut my own hair. i paid a lot for this. oh,it's a beautiful haircut. i would,i would,uh... love the name of the person,who,uh... but you know,what i'm saying is,is at... at westbridge,you know,it's all about what was on the outside, and you seem really great,you know,on the inside. what's wrong with my outside? oh,no,no,you,um... i would love the name of your,um... well,i mean,all of the people who... you know,whoever does your look,i would... i gotta go. nice meeting you. oh,bye. you know,i'm just really nervous. it's okay.you're fine.you're fine. there's not a lot of judgment here,so,you're fine. -oh,no judgment? -no judgment. -i love it here. -thank you. -i mean,this place just seems so right. -yeah? you know,i'm a product of a public school. i turned out pretty good. oh,your husband's a very handsome man. that's the president of the united states. look here. right,right. anyway,so when do we start? well,you still need to go through a couple steps. -okay. -we are public,right, but we're also a charter school, which means our enrollment is limited, so our admissions process is similar to a private school. oh,okay. i see what you're saying. um,i happen to have a letter of recommendation from a mr. abraham lincoln. yeah,you know,i-i wasn't looking for a bribe,mrs. campbell. so you can keep your five dollars. i'll tell you something,at westbridge, they would have snatched this up and named an eraser after me. yeah,i don't think we're gonna be naming anything after you. okay,okay,ye yeah,but what we will need is ritchie's transcripts sent over, and then we'll bring him back with the entire family for an interview. well,if you think you love me,wait till you meet the rest of my family. i'm actually the worst one. what is this supposed to do exactly? it's just a precaution. if there's something up there,the olive oil will get them. good,because i can't risk getting lice this close to the wedding. i think you fallinto the "low risk" category. you're missing one key ingredient. what's that? hair,richard... for the lice to cling onto. you don't have lice. i could get lice. there's a better chance you got termites in your head than lice. hey,guys. that's not keeping anyone from getting pregnant. we're drowning our lice in olive oil. yeah? what's richard doing? i don't know what richard's doing. you'll see. hey,how'd it go at public school? i love public school. i mean,those people there,they're just like us. hard-working regular folks. and it is so refreshing to be in a place where everyone is equal,you know? they don't look down their nose at you 'cause you don't drive a fancy car. it's fair. it's even. it's america. and you know what the best part is? with all the money that we're saving by not going to private school, we're gonna be the richest ones there. i'm not sure you're taking away the right message. yeah,i'm taking away the right message,believe me. we finally found a place where people are gonna be jealous of us. you are looking at a soon-to-be thousandaire. wait,wait,wait. is that,is that real mayonnaise? not just real mayonnaise,hellmann's,baby? look at it! and that's not all either. we got real cheese. we got real bread. we got real baloney. good god,what were we eating before? don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. so,that's it? ritchie's changing schools? well,i mean,you know, there's a little interview process we have to go through,but,i mean,we're in. they'd be lucky to have us. of course they would. you're a gift. oh,man. this is how i should be living. oh,wait,no.stop right there. you can't come in until you've been checked. oh,i don't want to come in. i'm just here to pick up ritchie's transcript. yeah,that's right. ritchie's leaving this school. who's ritchie? my son. ohokay.we'll,we'll go get principal merrow for you. and if you want to know why, it's because i am tired of being treated like a second-class citizen. oh,boy. first my nanny,and now you. all right. how much will it cost to bring the rest of your family over the border? cuantos personas en tu familia? all right,knock it off,okay? i'm not gonna this with you,do you hear me? i demand and deserve to be treated with respect. go like th. no,other side. ye ye.all right. oh,yeah,yeah,that's right. just walk away. i don't care. yeah,i'm done with you,and i'm done with this school! you know what? i've waited four years to say this: screw you! yeah,that's right. screw...you! oh,mrs. campbell. you know,uh,usually i would apologize, but,um,i'm not gonna do that. i don't care what you think because i am never gonna see you again. once you give me ritchie's transcript,i'm out of this hellhole. so what do you think of that? i think i have a waiting list of 150 kids for this hellhole. yeah,well,you can take your wait list and your-your state champion debate team and your olympic-sized swimming pool and your state-of-the-art science lab and,you know,okay? so i think i've made my point. we're going to public school. power to the people. sorry we're late. we had a little situation. situation? you look like the flipping addams family! what happened? the olive oil wouldn't wash out of our hair. you look like freaks! richard,you're a tiny mustache away from invading poland! all right,well,look it,sit down,okay? fortunately,she already loves me. hello,mrs. campbell. i am so,so sorry to keep you waiting. so... this must be the gang. and what is your little girl's name again? oh,uh,he,he's a boy. his name is ritchie. let me just note that in the chart. this is my brother matthew here,and this is ritchie's dad,richard. well,let me just make one more note in the chart. okay. so,ritchie,how do you feel about changing schools? well,my old school got two weeks for winter break. how long do you get here? we get three weeks of winter break in the l.a.public schools. i love it here. -and what other questions...? -none. boy,i'm gonna need more chart. all righty,well,let's start off with going over the curriculum in the seventh grade, we begin to lay the foundation for high school. in math,we introduce pre-algebra and pre-geometry. -in science... - stop it. -stop it! -i can't! in science,uh,students get to conduct laboratory and field investigations of components in their environment and in their interrelationships. in... in language arts... in language arts,we fo... i'm good.i'm good. in language arts,we focus on grammar,composition,and reading literature. okay,what the heck is wrong with you pple? ! god,richard,i think you do have lice. you have lice? there was a small outbreak at our old school,and they tried to pin it on us. you brought lice into my school? ! damn right i did. oh,come on. just give us another chance. i mean,there was only one lice on richard. it's probably already starved by now. i am sorry. you need to leave immediately. this school has never had an outbreak of lice. what? never? oh,come on.how do you know we didn't get it here? why don't you check the divorced donut lady? ! hey,hey. principal merrow. how's it going? surprised to see you here,mrs. campbell. yeah,i know the last time i was here,we both said some things... i didn't say anything. is there a reason why you're loitering in our parking lot? perhaps some child didn't hear you say,"screw you! " well,i think we can both laugh about that now. i thought you said you weren't happy here. no,i'm-i'm not. i mean,this place is all filled up with snobs and meanies and blondes. i'm miserable here,but my only other option was home schooling, and i just recently realized that i'm a dumbass. recently? look,the truth is that ritchie is doing great here,you know? and it turns out that public school judges you on your merits rather than your ability to pay, so we didn't get in. you know i wish i had $30,000 for every student who couldn't cut it in public school. oh,wait,i do. please? please,will you take us back? i'll do anything. ything. please,mrs. campbell,between the lice and this,they'll take away our license to serve food! i'm sorry. i'm sorry.i'm just...i'm just so desperate. yeah,i could see that,ye but we...we like ritchie,so we will be happy to take him back. besides,he's an example of how environment triumphs over breeding. well,that... that's awfully nice of you. ... as the astronauts make the final preparations for their Friday launch... to the orbiting Antares spacecraft... from there to Venus and beyond. Today, they had their final medical examinations... and then they posed for their official portrait in Mission Control. The next few days for the crew will be devoted... - to saying good-bye to Earth and their loved ones. - Which one are you? The mood here is buoyant but it's clear- - I'm not on this one. - ... by the length and difficulty of this historic- - This so-called grand tour of the solar system - Which one? Pop, I'm not on the mission. Okay? I didn't make this one. I know that. I know that. Mars. My old man calls space travel a fool's game. He says human beings are 60% water. They eat, sleep, defecate, can't follow directions... and explode like pinatas when exposed to the vacuum of space. Lately- - I've been wondering ifhe's right. Calliope, do you read? Sharon, you guys need to move it. We gotta get up out of this. Calliope, this is Zeus. This storm is on the rise. - You need to get off the planet. - Zeus, they're a hundred meters out. - Let me go out and I can lead them in. - Negative. - You will not leave the lander. - Launch weather parameters are at minimum. - Thirty seconds. Come on, guys. - Seventy meters. We can hold. - Zeus, we're holding at 25. - Launch weather parameters are at minimum. Calliope, I'm overriding your launch controls. - Donner? - Launch weather parameters are at minimum. - Donner, did you close that valve? - Just give 'em two minutes. You don't have two minutes. You will die. The mission will fail. - I want that lander off the planet now. - Donner! - Sharon? - Donner, launch. - Launch weather parameters are at minimum. - Sharon. - Donner. - Open the damn valve, Donner. - Launch now. Launch now. - Launch now. - God forgive me. Ten, nine, eight... seven, six, five... four, three, two, one! Oh, my God, Paula, you still look a little dry there. - Don't you dare, Wass. - I'm sorry, Paula. I'm sorry. Methinks she will forgive me. Remember that feeling. Oh, yeah. Best day of my life. Everything's in front of you. It all looks good. - Yeah. It all looked good. - Yes, it did. How do you do this all the time? This one is particularly disgusting. You are such a geek, you make me look cool. - Oh, I'm so looking forward to this honeymoon. - Good. - Because we couldn't afford Niagara Falls. - You are so cheap. - Congratulations, Commander. - Thank you, sir. If you call me Mrs. Commander, I'm gonna give you a fat lip, sir. Relax, Jen. Tonight I'm just a towel boy. Oh, and Rollie, listen. I've scheduled one more media interview for you... - tomorrow at 1430. - How long did they meet today? - Goss and Rollie? - Yeah. Three hours. You're the alt commander. Aren't you supposed to be present for all briefings? - Well, I wasn't invited. - Huh. Maybe you need to talk to your wife about that. - Don't even go there. - That's what you get for marrying the boss. Welcome to the agency's training facility. This is Mission Control. The flight of Antares will be the most ambitious mission in history. As astronaut candidates, you will be competing... not only with yourselves, but with many of your instructors. That's Shaw and Donner. They were the two on the Mars mission. I don't think there's anyone in this program who doesn't want to be on that crew. Your training will involve everything from flight systems to launch survival. And make no mistake, we are gonna challenge you- physically, emotionally, intellectually. In the end, less than one-third of you... - are gonna make it to the final year. - You know him? - And we're gonna be coming with fastballs - Who? Donner. - 'Cause it sure looks like he knows you. - No. He doesn't. - Oh. - This will not be a soft day of orientation. - Well, he's smiling at you. Smile back. - We call the first day- - Jen. - shock and awe. - Come on. Don't be such a tight-ass. - No! Excellent. Candidate Barnes has volunteered to be in the first centrifuge group. - Oh, no. What's this? - This is the bucket. It's an award. You're the first one in your class to heave. And everybody's gonna get one... or two. Five, you wash out. You want to meet me at Major Tom's? I'll give you some tips. You cannot be serious. What? I'm being nice. I'm being serious and I'm being nice. What's wrong with being serious and nice? - You have to lighten up, girl. - What? So light, I am floating. - He was making a pass at you. - He's not my type. What? The smart, good-looking, American hero type? - He left two people on Mars. - Okay, fine. The tragic American hero. Even better. - Oh, you're not gay, are you? - No. I am a geologist who wants to travel to another planet... without unnecessary complications. Right. A space nun. - A what? - A space nun, or... - she's gay. - No, she's not gay. - You got firsthand knowledge? - I don't do astronauts, Rollie. You know that. - Yeah, well, you might want to reconsider. - Oh. What? - Whoa! - My place, now. - Really? Mm-hmm. We have six years of screwing to do in one night... and I don't wanna miss one minute. Well, that's-Aah. Woman, damn, you bite hard. Mm-hmm. The door will be unlocked. I'll be in the bedroom. - Did she mark you again? - Yeah. Yeah, she did. I think that's a German thing. - Deutsch mark. - So, uh- So my mother's saying that Mercury's in retrograde... and that we shouldn't launch... at all. - Well, listen to your mother on that, definitely. - I try not to. It's hard to stop. Yeah. I always thought out of the two of us, you'd be the one flying. So did I. - Sorry. It's no offense. - No. None taken. Hey, you see any cows on Venus- You will be the first to know. Zoe. Picture. Have a good time. The flight of Antares- six years, seven planets and eight astronauts. A grand tour of the solar system. The most ambitious exploration in the history of mankind. Today is the day thejourney begins. But why a manned mission? Why send men prone to mistakes... when probes and rovers can do the job? It's a six-year mission to seven planets. It's far too complex. Would you call the last manned mission to Mars a success? Three of us came back. We'd all say yes. Despite deserting two astronauts on the planet's surface? We knew what the risks were 10 years ago. - And these people know what the risks are now. - Do they? It seems to me... that aside from your mission commander, this is a very green crew. - I know where this is going. - Let him handle it, Donner. This crew was picked for its skill and compatibility. But clearly not its experience. - I'd say you're fishing, Trevor. - Then I'll be more specific. I think we in the press were all surprised when Donner and Shaw weren't selected. - Did it surprise you guys? - They're alternates. But why? Does it have something to do with what happened on Mars? - Man just said that it didn't. - But that's not what I heard. Well, you're hearing what you want to hear. The truth would be nice for once. The cockpit recorder conveniently pixilated before launch. There's been no public record. Why haven't the cockpit transcripts been- Yeah, it's pretty simple. We had a storm. We had to launch. So we did. But did you have to launch, or did you and Shaw panic... and blow out of there to save your own skin? - It's a simple - What's the matter with you? - Whoa. Rumble! - Get off! Get off. What kind of a stump-dumb cowboy are you? You jump British television on launch day during an interview? - Hey, he jumped me, Mike. - And you jumped back. It's not your job to handle him. It's not your job to talk about Mars. And it's definitely not your job to question my judgment. Your job is to back up Ajay and make sure that that ship is running properly. - Yeah, I know what my job is. - Do you? It's not gonna be your job for much longer. Because as soon as I can bring someone else up to speed... I'm having you discharged from the program. Now get out there and say good-bye to the crew. Your collection's in the vidbank. All 369 hours of it. - Dude. - But you gotta crack the code first. - Sphincter. Vodka on launch day? - You're at least a.12. - Then ground me, Claire. - Why are you letting me go? - Because there's nothing to drink up there, Evram. I'm saving your life. Wassenfelder and I thought you rocked. Yeah, well, I guess Goss didn't. One more reason you got the suit, I got the sweater. Goss knows that there's no way I can do this without you. You, me, that ship- - We're a three-way, Donner. - Team. - Yes. - Trio. That's- "Three-way" is different. - We are each essential. - Okay. You cannot blame yourself for not being chosen for this mission. Clearly, your path is here on Earth. T - minus six hours to launch. Yeah, okay. Okay. Go get 'em. I've always been one of those people... who believes that you create your own destiny. And through a few bad decisions, I've certainly made mine. But as much as I believe in self-determination... there are those who simply do not. It's that kind of thinking that makes me nervous... because being an astronaut is all about control. From the walk to the launchpad to the final touchdown... you don't want surprises. - Ten, nine, eight- - It's not about fate. - Is anyone aware that Mercury is in retrograde? - It's about planning. - We have tower separation. - Activation complete. And ignition. And liftoff. First step on Antares's voyage to the planets. In space, there's simply no room for error. How many of'em do you think would've gone if we'd told them? Well, that's a weak-minded question, Eve. The answer is all of them. Every single one. Thank you. I'll be able to sleep tonight. Godspeed, Orion 2. Godspeed. T - minus 120 to burn. M.S.B. Is go. Hydrogen, go. Deuterium sequences holding. Donner, where are you on the thrusters? I'm making progress. Do not stop the sequence. Ted, do you copy me? Continue the sequence. Stabilizers set to 1-4-0. - Positioning thrusters are at 7-niner-7. - Oh, my God. She's out. Ted, I got Zoe out and in the airlock. She's - She's in Airlock 4. Do you copy? How the hell did she get out? Maddux? Zoe, please don't. Somebody get down here. Stop her. - Ted, do you copy? Zoe! - What's the status? Off-watch crew's in their quarters. EECOM's working on a small vent leak. It's no biggie though. We should go home. Get some rest. Yeah. - They're playing that every hour. We're not getting away from it, are we? Mars is just gonna haunt us till the day we die. The headline in our obits. - You're a Buddhist, right? - Raised as one. Where do you guys come down on fate? - Fate? - Yeah. Predestiny. Feeling that the future and what happens is somehow out of your control. I don't believe that. And neither did Buddha. - It's garbage, right? - Through and through. Right. So this is night one of day one. And we are still in near-Earth orbit. Um- They want us to talk about anything. About how we feel. I am so proud to be the engineer on this ship. She is my path, my responsibility. This voyage with her, my karma. I am filled with awe and indescribable joy. I know you guys are monitoring this. I mean, you tell us it's private... but seriously- So... I'm gonna pull my pants down and show you crack. Yeah, I feel strange not to be sleeping with Rollie. But it's better for crew morale, I guess. I mean, you know, we were celibate for three months during crew orientation last year. So we're okay with it. L - I guess. - Hey, baby. - Hi, baby. Turn the camera off. And Mother, if I ever let you see this... it was a perfect launch, a flawless docking... and the ship is in incredible shape. So, so much for your horoscope. You're pregnant? Well, I'm- I'm puking in the morning, and I'm puking at night, so- You're the biologist. Tell me. This is a - It's a urine sample. I dribbled a little. - Sorry. - Oh, you're serious. You know, they used to sell tests in the drugstore? Yeah. I'm not looking for a history lesson... and if I go to my gyno, the program will know. So you're not a space nun. - I am now. - Who's the father? - Don't ask, won't tell. And you did it without protection? He was drunk. He swore he'd had a vasectomy. - Please don't make me feel any more stupid. - If you're pregnant- I mean, what the hell are you gonna do? Zoe? Are you okay? You were just standing there. - Did you just hear something? - Hear something- - Like what? - I don't know. High-pitched. Like crying. Um, no. It's probably just the rotator arm creaking. Right. I'm sure that's what it was. Hola, estudiantes. Bienvenidos a Antares. Live from the flight deck of Antares. This is our first broadcast from space... and I'm going to give you a little tour. - Anybody mind if I change the channel? - At the moment... we're on the flight deck, which is where we control the ship. Mission Commander Rollie Crane and pilot Nadia Schilling... are programming the injection burn... that will send us on our way to Venus. En este momento, estamos en la cabina del vuelo, donde nosotros- - Flight, this is Surgeon. - This is Flight. Got a couple of weird E.K.G.'s from Rollie and Ajay. They're similar, so it's probably a glitch. I'm gonna have Evram adjust their med patches. - Just advising. - FI DO, what's the max time we have left in orbit? We need the Venus burn in 30 hours and 16 minutes. That's a pretty hard window. You seriously didn't hear anything strange last night? - Strange? No. Then it was the rotator arm. Yeah, that's your story, and you stick to it, okay? Yeah. I don't know. I haven't been sleeping much. Weird dreams. Some things are in zero gravity, and some things are not. Well, our grav suits contain nanofibers... that pull us towards the deck electromagnetically. But anything without the nanotechnology- likeJen's tomatoes-will float. Ah. - Neat, huh? Ajay, we need to check your med patch. - Is there a problem, Evram? - Think it's just an adjustment. - Sorry, Paula. - Gracias por su ayuda. Bueno, estudiantes- Este es nuestro laboratorio de biologia- What's up with that? Rollie and Ajay have a glitch in their med patch. Trying to get a clean read. That's not clearing up anything, Ev. - Now? - Negative. Could you relay that this is a complete waste of time, and I got work to do? Why don't we try a couple of new ones? Ev, try a couple of new patches. Might be the contact points. Copy that. Ah. Our favorite place, the observation deck- where we look at our amazing universe... and watch movies and YouTube from our data bank. Any one of our vista panes become screens. Aha. And this is our physicist, Steven Wassenfelder. Looks like he's doing something very complicated. Can you tell us what you're doing, Steven? - You probably don't want to know. - Oh, come on. Don't be so condescending. Tell us. - Diganos. - Well, actually... - I'm trying to crack a 512-bit encryption code - Aha! To get to the porn... that my friend loaded into the bank for me. Arnel always finds the dirtiest stuff. - What's the delay to air? - Thirty seconds. - Then you got 20 to put a lid on it. And Ted? - Sir? - Let's give our boy genius a spanking. Okay. See that blip here between the S1 wave and the S2? It's a midsystolic ejection murmur. And both of them have it? - That's impossible. - Well, these are the old patches. - Let's see what the new ones say. - No, these are the new ones. We're gonna have to do a heart scan before I can clear either one of them for flight. It's just not possible for both of them to come down with heart murmurs. It has to be an equipment error. Yeah, it has to be, right? And you said that Mercury's in retrograde... so maybe this is a "Mercury in retrograde" thing. Please don't encourage my mother. In a strange way, your mom's kinda right. I mean, we're hopelessly dependent on planet alignment. We've got, like, what, 28 hours to leave Earth's orbit or we're screwed. And the next launch window isn't for, like, six years. - Well, then we have to use Rollie and Ajay. - Actually, no. - I'm not following. - Then you didn't read the latest flight schedule. There's a service pod headed for the space station tomorrow morning. And Ajay and Rollie's alternates could possibly be on it. Hello, Ted. Hello, Donner. Don't you dare go there. That's six years alone up here with your old boyfriends. This is calcified plaque. Here, here and here. It's on their aortic valves, which is causing the stenosis. Now, I don't know how it got there or why it wasn't there three days ago... but I've checked the results five times, and it's real. The odds of this - of two men at the same time. Off the chart. Okay, Claire. Put a med team on it. Check for everything- diet, environment, viruses. And run a detailed analysis of every crew member's genome. We gotta find out what's causing this. I can't clear these men for space travel. I think we got that. You're excused. I'll have Vandenberg get the pod ready. I want a few minutes. You don't need more time, Mike. You know damn well what's causing this. - And they're going. - This is our mission. I am not gonna let that thing dictate any more of the crew. Wassenfelder's bad enough. We don't have a choice. - Do you think for a moment I want to send my husband? - Well, that makes two of us. And Donner for about a hundred reasons. And who's to say this thing isn't gonna give them heart murmurs? Well, there are no guarantees, Mike. None. We're in uncharted territory here. But this seems to be what it wants. Whether you want to face it or not... it has a lot more to say in this mission than we do. Remember last night I asked you about fate? - Told you I don't believe in fate. I'm a Buddhist. - I didn't tell you something. - I'm having a dream about this mission. - And? You and I are both on it. You're both gonna need immediate physicals. You'll have tonight to get your things in order... then launch in the service pod tomorrow morning. - Report to Medical now? - Yes, Donner. Leave us. Roger that. This wasn't supposed to happen. Ted, you have no idea. We need to see the new mission commander upstairs. #Stitch # #In your knitted brow # #And you don't know how # ♪ You're gonna get it out ♪ ♪ Crush ♪ ♪ Under heavy change ♪ ♪ Trying to catch your breath ♪ #But it always speeds you # #By your step # #All right, now # #Making the best of it # #Playing the hand you get # #But you're not alone in this ## Clean bill ofhealth. But the pants stay off. - Sorry? - You need your vasectomy, Donner. I don't understand. Your sterilization. It's painless. Yeah, actually, it's not. I had it done when I got back from Mars. Well, yeah. Um- According to your chart, you did... but not according to your scan. When were you gonna tell everybody else? In 43 days- when you get to Venus. I've always believed that this was my mission, my ship. That I was traveling on the path that Ganesha wanted for me. That this- Out here were where my challenges and obstacles lay. I feel so lost now. I cannot understand this. I cannot. Who needs this path more than I? - Pop, I'm going on the mission. It's six years, and I don't know if you're gonna be here when I get back. You had the sweetest slider I ever saw. Fastball, changeup... monster curve. You had all the tools. I wanted something else, Pop. Pour me another 'fore you leave. Here's the stretch now. Maybe I could request a replacement. I could come back on the pod. No. There's no time for that. Jen, forgive me. I want you to know that I was gonna be there with you. You'd be there with me? - Yeah. - For what? For everything. Just remember how much I love you. Okay? Show me. Let's kill the flight node deck cameras. Give the mission commander some privacy with his wife. #Running against the wind # #Playing the cards you get # #Something is bound to give # ♪ There's hope for ♪ ♪ The hopeless ♪ ♪ There's hope for ♪ ♪ The hopeless ♪ ♪ There's hope ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ There's hope ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ There's hope ♪ ♪ There's hope ♪ The way I see, they're lucky. You can't call an ambulance on the surface of Mars. Well, you realize this all points to a common cause. I mean, there's no way it occurred randomly. It could be viral, environmental, something they were eating. We were eating. They're looking into everything. Claire's gonna be monitoring us all very closely. Did you hear that? - What? - That. - No. No. It's the, uh - It's the rotator arm. - I'm gonna go check on Ajay. - Oh, tell him I got the porno up and running... so he can pop his HALO off andjust enjoy. Zoe Barnes? Uh, I'm Ajay... Sharma. - Hi, Ajay. - Hi. It's a good thing that you won the bucket. - I'm not so sure about that. - No, it- Upchucking - It is an obstacle that we all must face eventually... and you were just fortunate enough to face it first. - Uh, there's- I - Ajay, scram. - Girl talk. - Oh, uh, okay. Another time, then. Can I get a vodka cran, please? Somebody's got a boyfriend. If that's vodka, drink up. - Thank God. I'm not pregnant. - Oh, no, no. You are pregnant. Means you're just not gonna have a baby. - Well, last time I looked, it was the law. - It's a stupid law. You know, a couple of justices kick, and it'll be reversed. Zoe, you have more than one option here. Yeah - I don't know. There are over a thousand qualified applicants for your slot alone. I mean, getting into this program was winning the lottery. Believe me, I know. I know. Okay. So you cannot give it up for a one-night stand. I mean, you just can't. Look, I know of a guy. He's a doctor. When you're ready, just give me the word. Think I need some air. - Zoe. Hey- - Not now. Dude, you don't stand a chance. Ajay? Mission Control, this is Antares. Antares, this is Control. Do we have permission to put up the cameras? - You do indeed, Mission Control. And thank you for your discretion. Yeah, well, we didn't want that to end up in Wassenfelder's vidbank. Uh, listen, Rollie... we just had the cameras and operation controls for the airlock corridors go off-line. We can't seem to get 'em back up. Yeah, we're seeing that too. I'll get Ajay down to look at it. Actually, I think Ajay's the problem. I just saw him enter the airlock corridor. I tried to follow, but he locked me out. Flight, I'm showing an E.V.A. And M.M.U. Pack up and running. Damn it. He's going for a walk. How soon until we can override his instructions? We're working on it. Give us five minutes. If he's in that suit, we don't have five minutes. - Where the hell's Donner? - On his way in. - And what's the time to Venus burn? - Six hours, nine minutes. Ajay's heart rate and B.P. Are spiking. Antares, this is Control. Have you made contact? Negative, Control. Rollie's running through the channels. Looks like his comm's off. This guy tested the most stable in the entire program. - Does anyone know if Hindus commit suicide? - No, they don't. Least I don't think they do. Let me talk to him. - He's turned his comm off. - Well, that's not good. He's moving away from the ship. Don't do that, Ajay. Space travel is a fool's game. Human beings are 60% water. We sleep, eat, defecate, can't follow directions... and we explode like pinatas when exposed to the vacuum of space. What's he doing? Putting himself in orbit. Oh, Ajay. Well, wherever he's going, I hope he makes it. Flight, we've just been able to override his programming. We now have control of the airlocks. - Antares, this is Control. Did you copy that? - We have that here. I'll go out. I can go out and get him. We want to go out and get him. Do you copy? Yeah. Let her go. Mike, let her go. Negative. I'll eat the loss of an E.V.A. Suit. I can't afford to lose another crew member. You and Shaw ship out in two hours. Get your ass in gear. - That's it? - That's what? You're just gonna let him die? I got six hours to launch a $10 trillion mission on its way to Venus. I don't have time for Ajay and his silly little meltdown. And I sure as hell don't have time for you. Don't piss me off now, Donner. Not now. - Soon as I get back, I quit. Arnel, how much time has he got left in that suit? Eight hours? Give or take. My old man is right about every single item... except the initial premise. Man belongs in space because of exactly what he brings into the void. We carry the baggage of our past- our fears, our superstitions, our failings. Mercury went direct two hours ago. It's too late for Ajay. No, it isn't. But we also carry our hopes and our dreams... the hard lessons learned from our lives. Donner, Shaw, you dock your craft to the Antares right now. Uh, negative, Flight. Unless you can override these controls... I think we're gonna take a little detour. - They're on 41. Hell of a view out there, huh? Ganesha and I have been enjoying it very much. Ganesha? He is the lord of obstacles. But he's also the lord of new beginnings. All right. Well, you wanna hitch a ride back in and start something new? This is my path, Donner. Right here. All the way to Venus. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Ajay, but if you stay out here... doesn't that mean you gotta start all over in the next lifetime? Now, I mean, I'm no expert. But you're the one who's always telling me that, uh- that each of us has lessons to learn... and obstacles to overcome. So maybe this is your big one. You know? Maybe you overcome this and you take a big step... towards nirvana. - You don't understand. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. You think I don't understand? I think I do. My path is here on this ship with these people. Your path's back on Earth, Ajay. But you know what? We can't do it alone. You, me, the ship- We're a three-way. We need each other. For all our faults... and whether we're guided by our destiny or we guide it ourselves... we're resilient. We can adapt. There's something I must do first. Yeah. We can find redemption in the simplest acts of humanity. I've never heard of a robot or a probe that was able to do that. So... if space travel's a fool's game, then, uh- Hey, that's what I am. So be it. But I've never felt more alive... or more human. Antares, you are go for Venus in five, four, three... two, one. Ignition. #Ain't it good # ♪ To be alive ♪ #Ain't it good # ♪ To be alive ♪ ♪ To feel the sun ♪ #Strong against your face # #It spills over me # #Like the Milky Way # Mmm. Ahh. Your training will involve everything from flight systems to launch survival. And make no mistake, we are gonna challenge you - physically, emotionally, intellectually. In the end, less than one third of you are gonna make it to the final year. You know him? Who? Donner. Cos it sure he looks like he knows you. No, no, he doesn't. Oh. This will not be a soft day of orientation. Well, he's smiling at you. Smile back. Jen, I... Come on, don't be such a tightass. No! Excellent. Candidate Barnes has volunteered to be in the first centrifuge group. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, no. What's this? This is the bucket. An award - first one in your class to heave. And everybody's gonna get one. Or two. Five, you wash out. You wanna meet me in Major Tom's? I could give you some tips. You cannot be serious. What? I'm being nice. I'm being serious and I'm being nice. What's wrong with being serious and nice? You have to lighten up, girl. I'm so light I am floating. He was making a pass at you. He's not my type. What, the smart, good-looking American hero type? He left two people on Mars. OK, fine, the tragic American hero. Even better. Ooh, you're not gay, are you? No, I am a geologist who wants to travel to another planet without unnecessary complications. Right. Space nut. A what? ! A Space nut? Or she's gay. No, she's not gay. Is that first-hand knowledge? I don't do astronauts, Rollie. You know that. Yeah, well, you might wanna reconsider. What? My place, now! Really? Mm-hm. We've got six years of screwing to do in one night, and I don't wanna miss one minute. Oh, that's... Agh! Woman, damn, you bite hard! Mm-hm. The door will be unlocked. I'll be in the bedroom. Did she mark you again? Yeah. Yeah, she did. I think that's a German thing. Deutschmark. So, my mother's saying that Mercury's in retrograde and that we shouldn't launch at all. Well, listen to your mother on that, definitely. I try not to. It's hard to stop. Yeah. I always thought, out of the two of us, you'd be the one flying. So did I. Sorry, it's... Nooffence. No, none taken. Hey, you see any cows on Venus... You will be the first to know. Zoe! Picture! Have a good time. The flight of Antares - six years, seven planets and eight astronauts, a grand tour of the solar system, the most ambitious exploration in the history of mankind. Today is the day... So why a manned mission? Why send men, prone to mistakes, when probes and rovers can do the job? It's a six-year mission to seven planets. It's far too complex. Would you call the last manned mission to Mars a success? Three of us came back. We'd all say yes. Despite deserting two astronauts on the planet's surface? We knew what the risks were ten years ago, and these people know what the risks are now. Do they? Aside from your mission commander, this is a very green crew. I know where this is going. Let him handle it, Donner. This crew was picked for its skill and compatibility. But clearly not its experience. I'd say you're fishing, Trevor. Well, then I'll be more specific. We in the press were all surprised when Donner and Shaw weren't selected. Did it surprise you guys? They're alternates. But why? Does it have something to do with what happened on Mars? The man just said that it didn't. But that's not what I heard. You're hearing what you wanna hear. The truth would be nice. The cockpit recorder conveniently pixilated before launch? No public record... It's pretty simple. We had a storm. We had to launch, so we did. But did you have to launch, or did you and Shaw panic and blow out of there to save your own skin? It's a simple... What's the matter with you? Donner... Donner, get off! Get off. What kind of a stumped-up cowboy are you? You jumped British TV on launch day? He jumped me, Mike. And you jumped back? ! It's not your job to handle him, Donner, or to talk about Mars. It's definitely not your job to question my judgment. Your job is to back up Ajay and make sure that that ship is running properly. Yeah, I know what my job is. Do you? It's not gonna be your job for much longer, cos as soon as I can bring someone else up to speed, I'm having you discharged from the programme. Now get out there and say goodbye to the crew. Your collection's in the vid bank, all 369 hours of it. Dude! But you gotta crack the code first. Sadist. Vodka on launch day? You're at least at 0.12. Then ground me, Claire. Why are you letting me go? Because there's nothing to drink up there, Evram. I'm saving your life. Wassenfelder and I thought you rocked. Yeah, well, I guess Goss didn't. One more reason you got the suit, I got the sweater. Goss knows there's no way that I can do this without you. You, me, that ship, we're a three-way, Donner. Team. Yes. "Trio". "Three-way"s different. We are each essential. OK. You cannot blame yourself for not being chosen for this mission. Clearly, your path is here on Earth. Yeah, OK. OK. Go get 'em. 'I've always believed that you create your own destiny. 'And through a few bad decisions, I've certainly made mine. 'But as much as I believe in self-determination, there are those who simply do not. 'It's that kind of thinking that makes me nervous, 'cos being an astronaut is all about control.' From the walk to the launch pad to the final touchdown, you don't want surprises. Ten, nine, eight... 'It's not about fate.' Does anyone know whether Mercury is in retrograde? 'It's about planning.' We have tower separation. And ignition. And lift-off. APPLAUSE First step on Antares' voyage to the planets. In Space, there's simply no room for error. How many of them do you think would have gone if we'd told them? Well, that's a weak-minded question, Eve. But the answer is all of 'em. Every single one. Thank you. I'll be able to sleep tonight. Godspeed. Godspeed. T minus 120 to burn. MFB is go. Hydrogen go. Deuterium sequence is holding. Donner, where are you on the thrusters? I'm making progress. Do not stop the sequence. Ted, do you copy me? Continue the sequence. Stabilisers set to 140. Positioning thrusters are at 7, 9 and 7... Oh,God. She's out. Ted, I got Zoe out and in the airlock. She's in Airlock 4. Do you copy? How the hell did she get out? Maddux? RADIO BREAKS UP Zoe, please don't. Somebody get down here, stop her. Ted, do you copy? RADIO BREAKS UP Zoe! What's the status? Off-watch crew's in their quarters. Z-com's working on a small let leak. It's no biggie, Donner. You should go home, get some rest. Yeah. They're playing that every hour. We're not getting away from it, are we? Mars is just gonna haunt us till the day we die. The headline in our obits. You're a Buddhist, right? Raised as one. Where do you guys come down on fate? Fate? Yeah. Predestination, that the future and what happens is somehow out of your control. I don't believe that. And neither did Buddha. It's garbage, right? Through and through. So, this is night one of day one, and we are still in near-Earth orbit. Um... theywantus to talkabout anything, about how we feel. I am so proud to be the engineer on this ship. She is my path, my responsibility, this voyage with her, my karma. I am filled with awe and indescribable joy. I know you guys are monitoring this. I mean, you tell us it's private, but seriously? So I'm gonna pull my pants down and show you crack. Yeah, it feels strange not to be sleeping with Rollie, but it's better for crew morale, I guess. I mean, we were celibate for three months during crew orientation last year, so we're OK with it, I guess. Hey, baby. Hi, baby. Turn the camera off! And, Mother, if I ever let you see this, it was a perfect launch, a flawless docking, and the ship is in incredible shape, so so much for your horoscope. BABY CRIES You're pregnant? ! Well, puking in the morning and I'm puking at night, so... You're the biologist. Tell me. And this is a serum sample. I dribbled a little. Sorry. Oh, you're serious. Y'know, they used to sell tests in the drugstore. Yeah. Not looking for a history lesson if I go to my gyno. The programme will know. So you're not a spaceman. I am now! Who's the father? Don't ask. Won't tell. You did it without protection? ! We were drunk. He swore he'd had a vasectomy. Please don't make me feel any more stupid. If you're pregnant, what the hell are you gonna do? Zoe? Are you OK? You were just standing there. Did you just hear something? Hear something... ? Likewhat? I don't know. High-pitched. Like crying. Um, no. It's probably just the rotator arm creaking. Right. I'm sure that's what it was. Hola, estudiantes. Bienvenidos Antares. Live from the flight deck of Antares, this is our first broadcast from Space, and I'm going to give you a little tour. Anybody mind if I change the channel? At the moment, we're on the flight deck, which is where we control the ship. Mission commander Rollie Crane and pilot Nadia Schilling are programming the injection burn that will send us on our way to Venus. En esta momento, estamos en la carina del vuelo, donde... Flight, this is Surgeon. This is Flight. Got a couple of weird EKGs from Rollie and Ajay. They're similar, so it's probably a glitch. I'm gonna have Evram adjust their med patches. Advising. Fido, what's the max time we have left in orbit? We need the Venus burn in 30 hours and 16 minutes. It's a hard window. You seriously didn't hear anything strange last night? Strange? No. ZOE SIGHS Then it was the rotator arm. That's your story and you stick to it, OK? Yeah. I don't know. I haven't been sleeping very much. Weird dreams. Some things are in zero gravity and some aren't. Well, our grab suits contain nanofibres that pull us towards the deck electromagnetically. But anything without the technology, like Jen's tomatoes, will float. Ah. Neat, huh? Ajay, we need to check your med patch. Is there a problem, Evram? I think it's just an adjustment. Sorry, Paula. Gracias. What's happening to that? Rollie and Ajay have a glitch in their med patch. Trying to get a cleaner read. It's not clearing up anything, Ev. Now? Negative. Could you relay this is a waste of time and I've got work to do? Why don't they try a couple of new ones? Ev, try a couple of new patches, it might be the contact points. Copy that. Our favourite place, the observation deck, where we look at our amazing universe and watch movies and Youtube from our data bank. Any one of our vista panes become screens. Hah! This is our physicist, Steven Wassenfelder. It looks like he's doing something complicated. Can you tell us what you're doing? You probably don't want to know. Come on. Don't be so condescending. Tell us. Well, actually I'm trying to crack a 5-12 encryption code... Ah-ha! . .to get to the porn that my friend loaded into the bank for me. He always finds the dirtiest stuff. LAUGHTER What's the delay there? 30 seconds. You've got 20 to put a lid on it, and Ted? Sir? Let's give our boy genius a spanking. OK. See that blip here? Between the S1 wave and the S2? It's a midsystolic ejection murmur. And both of them have it? That's impossible. These are the old patches. Let's see what the new ones say. No, these are the new ones. We'll have to do a heart scan before I can clear either of them for flight. It's just not possible for both of them to come down with heart murmurs. It has to be an equipment error. Yes, it has to be. You said that Mercury is a retrograde, so maybe this is a Mercury in retrograde thing. Don't encourage my mother. In a strange way your mum is kind of right. We're hopelessly dependent on planet alignment. We've got 28 hours to leave or we're screwed and the next launch window isn't for six years. Then we have to use Rollie and Ajay. Actually, no. I'm not following. Then you didn't read the latest flight schedule. A service pod is heading for the Space station tomorrow. Ajay and Rollie's alternates could possibly be on it. Hello, Ted. Hello, Donner. Don't you dare go there. Six years alone up here with the old boyfriends. This is calcified plaque, here, here and here. It's on aortic valves, which is causing stenosis. I don't know how it got there or why it wasn't there three days ago, but I've checked the results five times and it's real. The odds of this, of two men at the same time? Off the chart. OK, Claire. Put a med team on it. Check for everything: diet, environment, viruses. Run a detailed analysis of every crew member. We've gotta find out what's causing this. I can't clear these men for Space travel. We got that. You're excused. Get the pod ready. We want a few minutes. You don't need more time, Mike. You know damn well what's causing this and they're going. This is our mission. I'm not going to let that thing dictate any more of the crew. Wassenfelder's bad enough. We don't have a choice. D'you think I want to send my husband? That makes two of us. And Donner for about 100 reasons. Who's to say this thing isn't it give them heart murmurs? There are no guarantees, Mike. None. We're in uncharted territory here. This seems to be what it wants. Whether you want to face it or not, it has a lot more to say on this mission than we do. Remember last night I asked you about fate? I told you I don't believe in fate. I'm a Buddhist. Yes, I didn't tell you something. I'm having a dream about this mission. And? You and I are both on it. You're both going to need immediate physicals. You have tonight to get your things in order, then launch in the service pod tomorrow morning. Report to medical now? Yes, Donner. Leave us. Roger that. This wasn't supposed to happen. Ted, you have no idea. We need to see the mission commander upstairs. # Stitch # In your knitted brow # And you don't know how # You're gonna get it out # Crushed # Under heavy chest # Trying to catch your breath # But it always beats you by a step Your sterilisation. It's painless. Actually it's not. I had it done when I got back from Mars. Well, yeah, according to your chart you did. But not according to your scan. When were you going to tell everybody else? In 43 days... . .when you get to Venus. I've always believed that this is my mission, my ship, that I was travelling on a path that Ganesha wanted for me, that this... out here... was where my challenges and obstacles lay. I feel so lost now. I cannot understand this. I cannot. Who needs this path more than I? Pop, I'm going on a mission. VOICES DRIFT FROM THE TV It's six years and I don't know if you're going to be here when I get back. You had the sweetest slider I ever saw. Fastball, change up. Monster curve. You had all the tools. I wanted something else, Pop. Pour me another before you leave. Maybe I could request a replacement. I could come back on the pod. No, there's no time for that. Jen, forgive me. I want you to know that I was going to be there with you. Then be there with me. Yes. What? For everything. Just remember how much I love you. OK? Show me. Let's kill the flight deck cameras. Give the mission commander some privacy with his wife. # Running against the wind # Playing the cards you get # Something is bound to give # There's hope for # The hopeless # There's hope for # The hopeless # There's ho-o-o-o-ope # There's ho-o-o-ope # There's ho-o-o-ope # There's ho-o-o-ope. # The way I see it, they're lucky. You can't call an ambulance on the surface of Mars. You realise this all points to a common cause? There's no way it occurred randomly. It could be viral, environmental, something they were eating... We were eating. They're looking into everything. Claire's going to monitor us all very closely. BABY CRIES Did you hear that? What? That. No. No. It's the, er... It's the rotator arm. I'm going go check on Ajay. Tom, I got the porno up and running, so he can pop his halo off and just enjoy. BABY CRIES Zoe Byers? I'm Ajay Sharma. Hi, Ajay. Hi. Er... It's a good thing that you won the bucket. I'm not so sure about that. No, it... Upchucking is an obstacle that we all must face eventually, and you were fortunate enough to face it first. Is... I ... Hey ,Ajay. Scram. Girl talk. Oh. Er... OK.Anothertime,then. Can I get a vodka cran, please? Somebody's got a boyfriend. If that's vodka, drink up. Thank God I'm not pregnant! Oh, no, no. You are pregnant. You're just not gonna have a baby. Well, last time I looked, it was the law. It's a stupid law. A couple of justices kick and it'll be reversed. Zoe, you have more than one option here. I don't know. There were over a thousand qualified applicants for your slot alone. Getting into this programme was winning the lottery. Believe me, I know. I know. OK, so you cannot give it up for a one-night stand. I mean, you just can't. I know of a guy. He's a doctor. When you're ready, just give me the word. I need some air. Zoe, hey. Not now. Dude, you don't stand a chance. BABY CRIES DOOR SLIDES Ajay? Mission control, this is Antares. Antares, this is control. Do we have permission to put up the cameras? You do indeed, mission control, and thank you for your discretion. Yeah, we didn't want that to end up in Wassenfelder's vid bank. Listen, we just had the cameras and operation controls for the airlock quarters go offline. We can't seem to get 'em back up. Yeah, we're seeing that, too. I'll get Ajay to have a look at it. I think Ajay's the problem. I just saw him enter the airlock quarter. I tried to follow, but he locked me out. Flight, I'm showing an EVA and MMU pack up and running. Damn it, he's going for a walk. HE MUTTERS How soon till we can override his instructions? Working on it. Five minutes. If he's in that suit, we don't have five minutes. Where the hell is Donner? On his way in. What's the time to Venus burn? Six hours nine minutes. Ajay's heart rate and BP are spiking. Antares, this is control. Have you made contact? Negative, control. Rollie's running through the channels. Looks like his comm's off. He tested most stable in the programme. Anyone know if Hindus commit suicide? No. At least, I don't think they do. Let me talk to him. He's turned his comm off. Well, that's not good. He's moving away from the ship. Don't do that, Ajay. 'Space travel is a fool's game. 'Human beings are 60% water. 'We sleep, eat, defecate, can't follow directions. 'And we explode like pinatas when exposed to the vacuum of Space.' What's he doing? Putting himself in orbit. Oh, Ajay. Well, wherever he's going, I hope he makes it. Flight, we have overridden. We now have control of the airlocks. Antares, this is control. Did you copy that? We have that here. I'll go out. I can go out and get him. We want to go out and get him. Do you copy? Yeah. Let her go. Mike, let her go. Negative. I'll eat the loss of an EVA suit. I can't afford to lose another crew member. You and Shaw ship out in two hours. Get your ass in gear. That's it? That's what? You're just going to let him die? I got six hours to launch a ten-trillion-dollar machine to Venus. I don't have time for Ajay and his silly little meltdown, and I sure as hell don't have time for you. Don't piss me off, Donner, not now. As soon as I get back, I quit. Arnel, how much time has he got left in that suit? 8 hours? Give or take. 'My old man is right about every single item except the initial premise. 'Man belongs in Space, because of exactly what he brings into the void. 'We carry the baggage of our past. 'Our fears, our superstitions. 'Our failings.' Mercury went direct two hours ago. It's too late for Ajay. No, it isn't. 'But we also carry our hopes and our dreams, 'the hard lessons learned from our lives.' Donner, you dock your craft to the Antares right now. Negative, flight. Unless you can override these controls, I think we are going to take a detour. They're on 41. 'Helluva view out there, huh? ' Ajay: 'Ganesha and I have been enjoying it very much.' Ganesha? He is the lord of obstacles. But he is also the lord of new beginnings. All right. You wanna hitch a ride back and start something new? This is my path, Donner. Right here. All the way to Venus. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Ajay, but if you stay out here, doesn't that mean you've got to start all over in the next lifetime? Now, I mean, I'm no expert, but you're the one who's always telling me that each of us has lessons to learn and obstacles to overcome. So maybe this is your big one. You know? Maybe you overcome this, and you take a big step towards nirvana. You don't understand. Wait, wait, wait a second. You think I don't understand? I think I do. My path is here on this ship with these people. Your path's back on Earth, Ajay. But you know what? We can't do it alone. You, me, the ship, we're a three-way. HE LAUGHS We need each other. 'For all our faults, and whether we are guided by our destiny 'or we guide it ourselves, 'we're resilient. We can adapt.' There is something I must do first. Yeah. APPLAUSE We can find redemption in the simplest acts of humanity. I have never heard of a robot or a probe that was able to do that. So if Space travel is a fool's game, then hey, that's what I am, so be it. But I have never felt more alive... or more human. Antares, you are go for Venus in five, four, three, two, one. Ignition. # Ain't it good to be alive? # Ain't it good to be alive? # To feel the sun strong against your face # It spills over me like the Milky Way # Whoa # Whoa... # In the northwest coast, while the astronauts carry out the final preparations for the launch of Friday of the spaceship in orbit 'Antares' from there toward Venus and beyond. Today, they had their final medical examination and now, they pose for the official portrait in mission control The next few days,the crew will be devoted to say goodbye to Earth and to their friends Which one are you? I am not on this one. ... in this difficult, 6 years long, historical mission... Which one are you? Pap, I am not on the mission! OK? I didn't make on this one. I know that. I know that. Mars... My old man calls space travel a fools game... He says human beings are 60% water. They eat, sleep, defecate, cant follow directions, and explode like pinatas when exposed to the vacuum in space. Lately... I've been wondering if he is right. Are you OK? Calliope, do you read? Mars - 2042 10 years Earlier Sharon, we got to keep moving. We have to get out of this. Calliope, this is Zeus. This storm is on the rise. You need to get off the planet. Zeus, they are 100m from us. Let me go out, I can lead them in. Negative. Do not leave the Lander. Climate parameters are on minimum. 30 seconds. Come on, guys! 70 meters, we can hold. Zeus, we are holding on 25. Climate parameters are on minimum. Calliope, I am taking your lunch controls. Donner? Climate parameters are on minimum. Donner, did you close that valve? - Just give them two minutes, Mike. - We don't have two minutes. You will die, the mission will fail. I want that lander off the planet now! Donner? Sharon? Donner, we launch! Climate parameters are on minimum. Sharon? - Donner? - Open the damn valve, Donner! Launch now. Launch now. - Launch now. - God, forgive me. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... 5, 4, 3... 2, 1, 0! Oh, my God, Paula, you're still looking a little dry there. Don't you dare! I am sorry, Paula! You will have years to forgive me. Remember that feeling? Oh, yeah. Best day of my life. Everything seems funny, it all looks good. Yeah, it all looked good. Yes, it did. How do you do this all the time. This one is particularly disgusting. Oh man, you're such a geeky, you make me look cool. Oh, I'm so looking forward to this honeymoon. Good, because we couldn't afford Niagara Falls. You are so cheap! - Congratulations, Commander. - Thank you, sir. If you call me "Mrs. Commander", I'm gonna give you a fat lip, sir. Relax, Jen. Tonight I'm just the towel boy. Rollie, listen, schedule one more media meeting for tomorrow at 14.30h. How long did they meet today? - Goss and Rollie? - Yes. Three hours. You are substitute commander, Shouldn't you be present for all the meetings? Well, I wasn't invited. Huh, well maybe you need to talk to your wife about that. No mission goes there. That's what you get for marrying the boss. Welcome to the agency training facility. This is mission control. 5 years earlier. The fly of Antares will be the most ambitious mission in history As astronaut candidates, you will be competing not only with yourselves, but with many of your instructors. Thats Shaw and Donner. They were the two on the Mars mission. I don't believe that there is anyone on this program who doesn't want to be on that crew. Your training will involve everything from flight systems to launch survivor. Make no mistakes, we are gonna challenge you physically, emotionally and intellectually. In the end, less of one third of you are gonna make it to the final year. Do you know him? Who? Donner. Cause he looks like he knows you. Despite what it... - ...says on your brief sheet... - No, he doesn't. This will not be a soft day of orientation. - He's smiling at you, smile back. - Jen... - Come on, don't be such a tight ass. - No! Excellent. Candidate Barnes has volunteered to be on the first Centrifugation Group. Oh, no! Whats this? This is a bucket. Its an award. You are first one on your class to vomit. Everybody is going to get one... or two. With five you are wash out (eliminated). Wanna met with Mayor Tom? He can give you some tips. You can not be serious. What? I am being nice. I am being serious and I am being nice. Whats wrong with being serious and nice? You have to lighten up, bro. So light, I am floating. - He was making a pass at you. - He's not my type. What? The smart, good-looking, American hero type? - He left two people on Mars. - Okay, fine. The tragic American hero. Even better. Oh, you're not gay, are you? No, I'm a geologist who wants to... travel to another planet without unnecessary complications. Right. - A space nun. - A what? A space nun or she's gay. - No, she is not gay. - First-hand knows? I don't do astronauts, Rollie. You know that. Yeah, well, you maybe wanna reconsider. Go. What? My place, now! - Really? - Mhm. We have six years screwing to do in one night... - ... and I don't wanna miss one minute. - Whoa, let's... Ah! Woman, damn you bite hard! The door will be unlocked. I'll be in the bedroom. - Did she mark you again? - Yeah. Yeah, she did. That thing it's a German thing. Deutsch Mark. So, my mother is saying the Mercury is retrograde... and we shouldn't launch... at all. Well, listen to your mother on that, definitely. I try not to. It's hard to stop. Yeah... I always thought out of the two of us you'd be the one flying. So did I. Sorry... It's no offense. None taken. - Hey, you see cows on Venus... - You'll be the first to know. Zoe, a picture. Have a good time. The flight of Antares. Six years, seven planets and eight astronauts. A grand tour of the solar system. The most ambitious exploration in the history of mankind. Today is the day! But, why mission with humans? Why send humans who can make mistakes, when probes and robots can do the job? This is six years mission, to seven planets. Its far too complex. Would you call the last manned mission to Mars a success? Three of us came back. We all say yes. Despite of deserting two astronauts on planet surface? We knew what risks were 10 years ago... And these people know that the risks are now. Do they? Seems to me that, aside the commender, this is very green crew. I know there this is going. Reminding you, Donner. This crew is picked for its skills and compatibility. But, clearly not its experience. I'll say, you are fishing, Trevor. Well, then I'll be more specific. I think we in the press were surprised when Donner and Shaw were not selected. Didn't that surprised you guys? They are alternates. But, why? Does it have something to do with what happened on Mars? Man just said that it didn't. But thats not what I heard. Well, you hear what you want to hear. The truth will be nice for once. Cockpit recorder conveniently pixelated before the launch... There is no public record. Why didn't cockpit transcript... OK, its pretty simple. We had a storm. We had to launch, so we did. But, did you have to? Did you have to launch? Or you panicked and blow out of there to save your own skin. Its a simple question... C'mon! Whats the matter with you? Here! Donner, get off. What kind of stubborn cowboy are you? Attacking British television on launch day They attacked me, Mike. And you take them back? Its not your job to handle it, Donner. Its not your job to talk about Mars. And its definitely not your job to question my judgment. Your job is to back up Ajay, and make sure that ship is running properly. Yea, I know what my job is. Do ya? Its not going to be your job for much longer. because as soon as I can bring someone else up to speed I'm having you discharged from the program. Now, get out there and say goodbye to the crew. Your collection on Vid bank, all 369 hours of it... You did! But you have to crack the code first. Satan! Vodka on launch day? You have at least a 1.2. Then ground me, Claire. Why are you letting me go. Because there is nothing to drink up there, Evram. I'm saving your life. Wassenfelder and I thought you rocked. Well, I guess Goss didn't. One more reason to get to see me out of sweater Goss knows that there is no way I can do this without you. You, me, that ship, we're a three-way, Donner. - Team. - Yes. Trio. That's... three-way is different. We are each essential. Okay. You can not blame yourself for not being chosen for this mission. Clearly, you're part is here on Earth. Yeah, okay. We're okay. I've always been one of those people who believes that you create your own destiny. And with few bad decisions, I certainly made mine. But, as much as I believe in self-determination, there are those who simply do not. Is that kind of thinking makes me nervous. Because, being an astronaut... Its all about control. From the walk to the launch pad to the final touchdown. You don't want surprises. 10... 9... 8... It's not about fate. Is Mercury in retrograde? - 5... 4... - It's about planning. - We have tower seperation. - 2... And ignition... And lift off. First step on Antares voyage to the planets. In space there is simply no room for error. How many of them do you think would have gone if we had told them. That's a weak-minded question, Eve. But the answer is all of them. Every single one. Thank you, I will be able to sleep tonight. Good luck! T minus 120 to burn. M.F.B. fine. Hydrogen go. Deuterium sequence is holding. Donner, where are you on the propulsion? I am making progress. Do not stop the sequence. Ted, do you copy me? Continue the sequence. Stabilizer set on 140. Propulsor position at 797. Oh my God, she's out. Ted, I got Zoe out in the airlock. She is in airlock 4. Do you copy? How the hell did she get out? Maddux? Zoe, please. Don't. Somebody get down here and stop her. Ted, do you copy? OUTER DOOR OPEN Zoe! What's the status? Off watch crew is in its courters. Eecom is working on some small vent leak. No biggie. We should go home. Get some rest. Yea. They play that every hour. We are not getting away from it, are we? Mars is just gonna haunt us till the day we die. Headline in our obituaries. You are a Buddhist, right? Raised as one. What you guys come down on fate? Fate? Yea. Predestination, the future... And what happens if you are somehow out of control. I don't believe that. Neither did Buddha. Its garbage, right? Absolutely. Alright. So, this is night 1 of day 1 And we're still in near Earth orbit. They want us to talk about anything. About how we feel. I am so proud to be the engineer on this ship. She is my path, my responsibility. This voyage with her, my karma. I am filled with all, an indescribable joy... I know, you guys are monitoring this. I mean, you tell us its private, but seriously? So, I'm going to pull my pants down. I fill strange now, two weeks not sleeping with Rollie, but... Its good for crew morale, I guess. I mean, we were in celibate for 3 months during crew orientation last year, so... I'm OK with it... I guess - Hey baby. - Hey baby. Turn the camera off. And mother, if I ever let you see this... it was a perfect launch, a flawless docking and the ship is in an incredible shape, so.... ... so much for your horoscope. You're pregnant? Well, I'm puking in the morning, I'm puking at night, so... You're the biologist, tell me. This is a.. a urin sample. I got you a little. Sorry. Oh, you're serious. You know, they used to sell tests in the drug store. Yes, I am not here for a history lesson. And if I go to my gino, the program will know. So, you are not a space nun. I'm not now. Who is the father? Don't ask, won't tell. And you did it without protection. He was drunk. He did a vasectomy. Please, don't make me feel any more stupid. If you are pregnant, what the hell are you gonna do ? Zoe... Are you OK? You were just standing there. Did you just hear something? Hear something? Like what? I don't know. High pitched. Like crying. Ummm... No. Its probably just rotator arm cricking. Right. I am sure thats what it was. Hi, students! Welcome to Antares. Live from command bridge on Antares. This is our first broadcast from space. And I am going to give you a little tour. Anybody mind if I change the channel. At the moment we are on the fight deck. This where we control the ship. Mission commender Rollie Crane and pilot Nadia Schilling are programing the injection burn, that will send us on our way to Venice. Fight, this is surgeon. This is flight. Got a couple of weird EKG from Rollie and Ajay. They are similar, so its probably a glitch. I am gonna have them adjust their mad patches. Just advising. Fido, whats the maximum that we have left in orbit? We need a Venice burn in 30 hours and 16 minutes. Its a pretty hard window. You seriously didn't heard anything strange last night? Strange? No. It was a rotator arm. You got your story, and you stick to it, OK? Yea. I don't know. I haven't been sleeping much. Weird dreams. Some things are the zero gravity and some are not. Well, our grav-suites contain nanofibers that pull us towards the deck electromagnetically. But anything without the nanotechnology, like Jen's tomatoes... would float. Cool, huh? Ajay, we need to check your med-patch. Is there a problem, Evram? I think it's just an adjustment. Sorry Paula. Thanks for your help. Well, students... What's happen with that? Rollie and Ajay have a glitch in their their med-patch. We are trying to get a cleaner read. That's not cleaning up anything, Ev. Now? Negative. Could you relate that this is complete waste of time and I have work to do? Why not try a couple of new ones? Ev, try a couple of new patches might be the contact points. Copy that. Ah, our favorite place. The observation deck. Where we look at our amazing universe, and watch movies and youtube from our databank. Anyone of our vista panels become screens. And this is our physicist. Steven Wassenfelder. Looks like he's doing something very complicated. Can you tell us what you're doing, Steven? - You probably don't wanna know. - Oh, come on. Don't be so condescending. Tell us. Well, actually I'm trying to crack a 512 bits encription code... to get to the porn... that my friend loaded into the bank for me. I don't know, but Al always finds the dirtiest stuff. - What's the delay on air? - 30 seconds. Then you have 20 to put a lid on it. - And Ted? - Sir? Let's give our boy genius a spanking. Okay, you see that lip here, between the S1 wave and the S2? It's a mid-systolic ejection murmur. And both of them have it? I't impossible. Well, these are the old patches. Let's see what the new ones say. No, these are the new ones. We're gonna have to do heart scan before I can clear either one of them for flight. It's just not possible for both of them to come down with heart murmurs. It has to be an equipment error. Yeah, it has to be, right? And you said that Mercury is in retrograde, so maybe this is a Mercury in retrograde thing. Please, don't encourage my mother. In a strange way your mom is kinda right. I mean, we're hopelessly dependent on planet alignment. We've got like 28 hours... to leave the orbit or we're screwed, and the next launch to leave this place is in six years. - Then we have to use Ajay and Rollie - Actually, no. I'm not following. Then you didn't read the latest flight schedule. There's a service pod headed for the space station tomorrow morning And Ajay and Rollie's alternates could possibly be on it. - Hello Ted. Hello Donner. - Don't you dare go there. But six years alone up here with your old boyfriends. This is calcified plague. Here, here... and here. t's on their aortic valves which is causing this synosis. Now, I don't know how it got there or why it wasn't there three days ago... but I checked their results five times and it's real. The odds of this... of two men at the same time... Off the chart. Okay Claire, put a med team on it. Check for everything: diet, environment, viruses... And run a detailed analysis of every crew member's genome. We have to find out what's causing this. I can't clear this men for space travel. I think we got that. You're excused. I will tell Vandenburg to get the pod ready. I want a few minutes. You don't need more time, Mike. You know damn well what's causing this. And they're going. This is our mission. I am not gonna let that thing dictate anymore of the crew. - Wassenfelder were bad enough. - We don't have a choice. - Do you think for one moment I wanna send my husband? - Well, that makes two of us. And Donner for about a hundred reasons. And who's to say this thing is not gonna give them heart murmurs? Well, there are no guarantees, Mike. None. We're in uncharted territory here. But this seems to be what it wants. Whether you wanna face it or not... it has to say a lot more in this mission than we do. Remember last night I asked you about fate? Told you I don't believe in fate. I'm a Buddhist. Yeah. I didn't tell you something. I'm having a dream about this mission. And... You and I are both on it. You both are gonna need immidiate physicals. You have tonight to get your personal things in order... and launch in the service pot tomorrow morning. Reported to medical now? - Yes, Donner, leave us. - Roger that. This wasn't supposed to happen. Ted, you have no idea. We need to see the new mission commander upstairs. Clean bill of health, but the pants stay off. - Sorry? - You need your vasectomy, Donner. I don't understand. Your sterilization. It's painless. Yeah, actually, it's not. I had it done when I got back from Mars. Well, yeah, um. According to your chart you did, but not according to your scan. When are you gonna tell everybody else? In 43 days... when you get to Venus. I always believed that this was my mission, my ship, that I was traveling on the path Ganesha wanted for me. This ... out here... was where my problems and obstacles laid. I feel so lost now. I cannot understand this. I cannot. Who needs this path more than I? Pap, I'm going on a mission. It's six years, and... I don't know if you're gonna be here when I come back. You had the sweetest slider I ever saw. Fastball, change up, monster curve. You had all the tools. I wanted something else, Pap. Pour me another before you leave. Maybe I can request a replacement. I can come back on the pod. No, there is no time for that. Jen, forgive me. I want you to know that I was gonna be there with you. You'll be there with me. Yeah. What? For everything. Just remember how much I love you. Okay? Show me. Let's kill the flight deck cameras. Give the mission commander some privacy with his wife. The way I see it, they're lucky. You can't call an ambulance on the surface of Mars. You realize this all points to a common cause. I mean... there is no way it occured randomly. It could be... viral, environmental, something they were eating... we were eating. They're looking in everything. Claire's gonna be monitoring us all very closely. Did you hear that? What? That. No. No. It's the... the rotator roam. I'm gonna go check on Ajay. Oh, tell him I got the porno up and running... so he can pop his HALO off and just enjoy. Zoe Barnes? I am Ajay Sharma. Hi, Ajay. Hi. It's a good thing that you won the bucket. - I am not so sure about that. - No... Upchucking is an obstacle we all must face eventually... and you were just fortunate enough to face it first. Ah, I... Ajay, scram. Girl talk. Oh, um. Okay, not the time. Can I get a vodka cran, please? Somebody's got a boyfriend. That's vodka, drink up. Thank God, I'm not pregnant. Oh, no. No, you are pregnant. You're just not gonna have a baby. Last time I looked it was the law. It's a stupid law. You know a couple of justices and it'll be reversed. - Zoe, you have more than one option here. - I don't know. There over a thousand qualified applicants for your slot alone. I mean, getting into this program was winning the lottery. Believe me, I know. I know. Okay, so you can not give it up for a one-night-stand. I mean, you just can't. I know a guy. He's a doctor. When you're ready, just give me a word. I need some air. - Zoe. Hey... - Not now. Dude, you don't stand a chance. Ajay? Mission control, this is Antares. Antares, this is control. Do we have permission to put up the cameras? You do indeed, mission control. And... thank you for your discretion. Yeah, well, we didn't want that to end up in Wassenfelder's vid bank. Eh, listen Rollie, we just had the cameras and operation controls for the airlock corridors go offline. We can't seem to get them back up. Yeah, we're seeing that too. I get Ajay down here to look at it. Actually, I think Ajay is the problem. I just saw him enter the airlock corridor. I tried to follow, but he locked me out. Flight, I'm showing NUVA and MMU pack up and running. Dammit, he's going for a walk. How soon can we override his instructions? We're working on it. Give us five minutes. If he's in that suit, we don't have five minutes. Where the hell is Donner? On his way in. - What's the time to Venus burn? - Six hours, nine minutes. Ajay's heartbeat and BP are spiking. Antaris, this is control. Have you made contact? Negative, control. Rollie is running through the channels. Looks like his com is off. This guy tested the most stable in the entire program. Does anyone know if Hindus commit suicide. No, they don't. At least I don't think they do. - Let me talk to him. - He has turned his com off. Well, that's not good. - He's moving away from the ship. - Don't do that, Ajay. Space travel is a fool's game. Human beings are 60 percent water. We sleep, eat, defecate, can't follow directions, and we explode like pinatas when exposed to the vacuum in space. What's he doing. Putting himself in orbit. Oh, Ajay. Wherever he's going, I hope he makes it. Here. I'll go out. I can go out and get him. We wanna go out and get him. Do you copy? Yeah, let her go. Mike, let her go. Negative. I'll eat the loss of an EVA suit. I can't afford losing another crew member. You and Shaw ship out in two hours. Get your ass in here. - That's it? - That's what? You're just gonna let him die? I got six hours to launch a ten trillion dollar mission on his way to Venus I don't have time for Ajay and his silly little mealtdown. And I sure as hell don't have time for you. Don't piss me off, Donner. Not now. As soon as I get back, I quit. Arnel, how much time does he have got left in that suit. Eight hours? Give or take. My old man is right about every single item. Except the initial premiss. Man belongs in space because of exactly what he brings into the void. We carry the baggage of our past, our fears, our superstitions, our failings. Mercury went direct two hours ago. It's too late for Ajay. No, it isn't. But we also carry our hopes and our dreams... the hard lessons learned from our lives. Donner, Shaw, you dock your craft on the Antares right now. Um, negative, flight. Unless you can override these controls, I think we're gonna take a little detour. They are on 41. Hell of a view out there, eh? Ganesha and I have been enjoying it very much. Ganesha? He is the Lord of obstacles. But, he is also the Lord of new beginnings. All right. You wanna hitch your ride back in and start something new? This is my path, Donner. Right here. On the way to Venice. Correct me if I am wrong here, Ajay, but if you stay out here doesn't that mean that you have to start all over on the next life time? Now, I mean... I am no expert But you are the one that was always telling me that... each of us has a lesson to learn, and obstacles to overcome. So, maybe this is your big one, you know? Maybe you overcome this and you take big step toward to Nirvana. You don't understand. Wait, wait, wait... Wait a second. You think that I don't understand? I think I do. My path is here on this ship, with these people. Your path is back on Earth, Ajay. But, you know what? We can't do it alone. You, me, the ship, we're a three-way. We need each other. For all our false, whether were guided by our destiny, or we got them our selves, we are resilient, we can adapt. There is something I must do first. Yeah. Yes. We can find redemption in the simplest acts of humanity. I never heard of robot or a probe that was able to do that. So... If space travel are a fools game, than... Aaaa... Thats what I am. So, be it. But, I never felt more alive, Or more human. Antares, you are ready for Venus, in five... 4, 3, 2, 1. Ignition! by Dobrivoje, Siban and friends In the northwest coast, while the astronauts carry out the final preparations for the launch of Friday of the spaceship in orbit "Antares" from there toward Venus and beyond. Today, they had their final medical examinations and now, they pose for the official portrait in mission control. The next few days, the crew will be devoted to say goodbye to Earth and to their friends... Which one are you? I am not on this one. ...in this difficult, 6 years long, historical mission... Which one are you? Pap, I am not on the mission! OK? I didn't make this one. I know that. I know that. Mars... My old man calls space travel a fool's game... He says human beings are 60% water. They eat, sleep, defecate, can't follow directions, and explode like piñatas when exposed to the vacuum of space. Lately... I've been wondering if he is right. Are you OK? Calliope, do you read? Mars—2042 10 years Earlier Sharon, we got to keep moving. We got to get out of this. Calliope, this is Zeus. This storm is on the rise. You need to get off the planet. –Zeus, they are 100m out. Let me go out, I can lead them in. Negative. Do not leave the Lander. Climate parameters are on minimum. –30 seconds. Come on, guys! –70 meters, we can hold. Zeus, we are holding on 25. –Climate parameters are on minimum. Calliope, I am overriding your lunch controls. Donner? Climate parameters are on minimum. Donner, did you close that valve? –Just give them two minutes, Mike. –You don't have two minutes. You will die, the mission will fail. I want that lander off the planet now! Donner? –Sharon? –Donner, we launch! –Climate parameters are on minimum. –Sharon? –Donner? –Open the damn valve, Donner! Launch now. Launch now. Launch now. –God, forgive me. 10,9,8,7,6... 5,4,3... 2,1,0! Oh, my God, Paula, you're still looking a little dry there. Don't you dare! I am sorry, Paula! You will have years to forgive me. Remember that feeling? Oh, yeah. Best day of my life. Everything seems funny, it all looks good. Yeah, it all looked good. Yes, it did. How do you do this all the time? This one is particularly disgusting. Oh man, you're such a geeky, you make me look cool. Oh, I'm so looking forward to this honeymoon. Good, because we couldn't afford Niagara Falls. You are so cheap! –Congratulations, Commander. –Thank you, sir. If you call me "Mrs Commander", I'm gonna give you a fat lip, sir. Relax, Jen. Tonight I'm just the towel boy. Rollie, listen, schedule one more media interview for tomorrow at 14.30h. How long did they meet today? –Goss and Rollie? –Yes. Three hours. You are substitute commander, Shouldn't you be present for all the meetings? Well, I wasn't invited. Huh, well maybe you need to talk to your wife about that. No mission goes there. That's what you get for marrying the boss. Welcome to the agency's training facility. This is mission control. The fly of Antares will be the most ambitious mission in history. As astronaut candidates, you will be competing not only with yourselves, but with many of your instructors. That's Shaw and Donner. They were the two on the Mars mission. I don't believe that there is anyone on this program who doesn't want to be on that crew. Your training will involve everything from flight systems to launch survival. Make no mistake, we are gonna challenge you physically, emotionally and intellectually. In the end, less than one third of you are gonna make it to the final year. Do you know him? Who? Donner. Cause he looks like he knows you. Despite what it says on your brief sheet... –No, he doesn't. this will not be a soft day of orientation. –He's smiling at you, smile back. –Jen... –Come on, don't be such a tight ass. –No! Excellent. Candidate Barnes has volunteered to be on the first Centrifuge Group. Oh, no! Whats this? This is the bucket. It's an award. You are first one on your class to vomit. Everybody is going to get one... or two. With five you are wash out. Wanna meet with Major Tom? I can give you some tips. You can not be serious. What? I am being nice. I am being serious and I am being nice. What's wrong with being serious and nice? You have to lighten up, bro. So light, I am floating. –He was making a pass at you. –He's not my type. What? The smart, good-looking, American hero type? –He left two people on Mars. –Okay, fine. The tragic American hero. Even better. Oh, you're not gay, are you? No, I'm a geologist who wants to... travel to another planet without unnecessary complications. Right. A space nun. –A what? A space nun or she's gay. –No, she is not gay. –First-hand knows? I don't do astronauts, Rollie. You know that. Yeah, well, you maybe wanna reconsider. Go. What? My place, now! –Really? –Mhm. We have six years of screwing to do in one night... and I don't wanna miss one minute. –Whoa, let's... Ah! Woman, damn you bite hard! The door will be unlocked. I'll be in the bedroom. –Did she mark you again? –Yeah. Yeah, she did. That thing it's a German thing. Deutsch Mark. So, my mother is saying the Mercury is retrograde... and we shouldn't launch... at all. Well, listen to your mother on that, definitely. I try not to. It's hard to stop. Yeah... I always thought out of the two of us you'd be the one flying. So did I. Sorry... It's no offense. None taken. –Hey, you see cows on Venus... –You'll be the first to know. Zoe, a picture. Have a good time. The flight of Antares. Six years, seven planets and eight astronauts. A grand tour of the solar system. The most ambitious exploration in the history of mankind. Today is the day! –But, why a manned mission? Why send men prone to mistakes, when probes and robots can do the job? It's a six-year mission, to seven planets. Its far too complex. Would you call the last manned mission to Mars a success? Three of us came back. We'd all say yes. Despite deserting two astronauts on the planet surface? We knew what the risks were 10 years ago... and these people know that the risks are now. Do they? Seems to me that, aside your mission commender, this is very green crew. –I know there this is going. –Reminding you, Donner. This crew was picked for its skill and compatibility. But, clearly not its experience. I'd say you are fishing, Trevor. Well, then I'll be more specific. I think we in the press were surprised when Donner and Shaw weren't selected. Didn't that surprise you guys? They are alternates. But, why? Does it have something to do with what happened on Mars? –Man just said that it didn't. –But that's not what I heard. –Well, you hear what you want to hear. –The truth would be nice for once. The cockpit recorder conveniently pixelated before the launch... there's been no public record. Why haven't the cockpit transcript— OK, its pretty simple. We had a storm. We had to launch, so we did. But, did you have to? Did you have to launch? Or you panicked and blow out of there to save your own skin. It's a simple question— C'mon! What's the matter with you? Here! Donner, get off. What kind of st* dumb cowboy are you? Attacking British television on launch day –They attacked me, Mike. –And you take them back? It's not your job to handle him, Donner. It's not your job to talk about Mars. And it's definitely not your job to question my judgment. Your job is to back up A. J, and make sure that ship is running properly. Yea, I know what my job is. Do ya? It's not going to be your job for much longer. because as soon as I can bring someone else up to speed I'm having you discharged from the program. Now, get out there and say goodbye to the crew. Your collection on Vid bank, all 369 hours of it... You did! –But you have to crack the code first. –Satan! Vodka on launch day? You're at least a 1.2. Then ground me, Claire. Why are you letting me go? Because there is nothing to drink up there, Evram. I'm saving your life. Wassenfelder and I thought you rocked. Well, I guess Goss didn't. One more reason to sue, they got the sweater. Goss knows that there is no way I can do this without you. You, me, that ship, we're a three-way, Donner. –Team. –Yes. Trio. That's... three-way is different. We are each essential. Okay. You can not blame yourself for not being chosen for this mission. Clearly, your part is here on Earth. Yeah, okay. We're okay. I've always been one of those people who believes that you create your own destiny. And through a few bad decisions. I certainly made mine. But, as much as I believe in self-determination, there are those who simply do not. It's that kind of thinking makes me nervous. Because, being an astronaut... is all about control. From the walk to the launch pad to the final touchdown. You don't want surprises. 10... 9... 8... It's not about fate. Is Mercury in retrograde? –5... 4... –It's about planning. –We have tower separation. –2... And ignition... And lift off. First step on Antares voyage to the planets. In space there is simply no room for error. How many of them do you think would have gone if we'd told them? That's a weak-minded question, Eve. But the answer is all of them. Every single one. Thank you, I will be able to sleep tonight. Godspeed! T minus 120 to burn. MF. B is go. Hydrogen go. Deuterium sequence is holding. Donner, where are you on the propulsion? I am making progress. Do not stop the sequence. Ted, do you copy me? Continue the sequence. Stabilizer set on 140. Positioning thrusters at 797. Oh my God, she's out. Ted, I got Zoe out in the airlock. She is in airlock 4. Do you copy? How the hell did she get out? Maddux? Zoe, please. Don't. Somebody get down here and stop her. Ted, do you copy? OUTER DOOR OPEN Zoe! What's the status? Off watch crew is in its courters. E-com is working on some small vent leak. No biggie. We should go home. Get some rest. –Yeah. They play that every hour. We are not getting away from it, are we? Mars is just gonna haunt us till the day we die. The headline in our obituaries. You are a Buddhist, right? Raised as one. –What you guys come down on fate? –Fate? Yeah. Predestination, the future... And what happens if you somehow are out of control. I don't believe that. Neither did Buddha. –It's garbage, right? –Through and through. Alright. So, this is night 1 of day 1, and we're still in near-Earth orbit. They want us to talk about anything. About how we feel. I am so proud to be the engineer on this ship. She is my path, my responsibility. This voyage with her, my karma. I am filled with awe, an indescribable joy... I know, you guys are monitoring this. I mean, you tell us it's private, but seriously? So, I'm going to pull my pants down, and show you crack. It feels strange now, to be sleeping with Rollie, but... It's better for crew morale, I guess. I mean, we were celibate for 3 months during crew orientation last year, so... I'm OK with it... I guess. –Hey baby. –Hey baby. Turn the camera off. And mother, if I ever let you see this... it was a perfect launch, a flawless docking and the ship is in an incredible shape, so.... so much for your horoscope. You're pregnant? Well, I'm puking in the morning, I'm puking at night, so... You're the biologist, tell me. This is a... a urine sample. I got you a little. Sorry. Oh, you're serious. You know, they used to sell tests in the drug store. Yes, I am not looking for a history lesson. And if I go to my gyno, the program will know. So, you are not a space nun. –I am now. –Who is the father? Don't ask, won't tell. And you did it without protection. He was drunk. He did a vasectomy. Please, don't make me feel any more stupid. If you are pregnant, what the hell are you gonna do? Zoe... Are you OK? You were just standing there. Did you just hear something? –Hear something? –Like what? I don't know. High pitched. Like crying. Ummm... No. Its probably just the rotator arm creaking. Right. I am sure that's what it was. Hi, students! Welcome to Antares. Live from command bridge on Antares. This is our first broadcast from space. And I am going to give you a little tour. Anybody mind if I change the channel? At the moment we are on the flight deck. Which is where we control the ship. Mission commander Rollie Crane and pilot Nadia Schilling are programming the injection burn, that will send us on our way to Venus. –Flight, this is surgeon. –This is flight. Got a couple of weird EKGs from Rollie and A.J. They are similar, so it's probably a glitch. I am gonna have them adjust their med patches. Just advising. Fido, whats the maximum that we have left in orbit? We need a Venus burn in 30 hours and 16 minutes. Its a pretty hard window. You seriously didn't hear anything strange last night? Strange? No. It was the rotator arm. You got your story, and you stick to it, OK? Yeah. I don't know. I haven't been sleeping much. Weird dreams. Some things are the zero gravity and some are not. Well, our grav-suites contain nanofibers that pull us towards the deck electromagnetically. But anything without the nanotechnology, like Jen's tomatoes... would float. Neat, huh? A. J, we need to check your med-patch. Is there a problem, Evram? I think it's just an adjustment. Sorry, Paula. Thanks for your help. Well, students... What's happen with that? Rollie and A. J they have a glitch with their med-patch. We are trying to get a cleaner read. That's not cleaning up anything, Ev. Now? Negative. Could you relate that this is complete waste of time and I have work to do? Why not try a couple of new ones? Ev, try a couple of new patches. Might be the contact points. Copy that. Ah, our favorite place. The observation deck. Where we look at our amazing universe, and watch movies and YouTube from our databank. Anyone of our vista panels become screens. And this is our physicist. Steven Wassenfelder. Looks like he's doing something very complicated. Can you tell us what you're doing, Steven? –You probably don't wanna know. –Oh, come on. Don't be so condescending. Tell us. Well, actually I'm trying to crack a 512-bit encryption code... to get to the porn... that my friend loaded into the bank for me. I don't know, but Al always finds the dirtiest stuff. –What's the delay on air? –30 seconds. Then you have 20 to put a lid on it. And Ted? –Sir? Let's give our boy genius a spanking. Okay, you see that lip here, between the S1 wave and the S2? It's a mid-systolic ejection murmur. And both of them have it? That's impossible. Well, these are the old patches. Let's see what the new ones say. No, these are the new ones. We're gonna have to do a heart scan before I can clear either one of them for flight. It's just not possible for both of them to come down with heart murmurs. It has to be an equipment error. Yeah, it has to be, right? And you said that Mercury is in retrograde, so maybe this is a Mercury in retrograde thing. Please, don't encourage my mother. In a strange way your mom is kinda right. I mean, we're hopelessly dependent on planet alignment. We've got like 28 hours... to leave this orbit or we're screwed, and the next launch to leave this place is in six years. –Then we have to use A.J and Rollie. –Actually, no. I'm not following. Then you didn't read the latest flight schedule. There's a service pod headed for the space station tomorrow morning, and Ajay and Rollie's alternates could possibly be on it. –Hello Ted. Hello Donner. –Don't you dare go there. But six years alone up here with your old boyfriends. This is calcified plaque. Here, here... and here. It's on their aortic valves which is causing the stenosis. Now, I don't know how it got there or why it wasn't there three days ago... but I've checked their results five times and it's real. The odds of this... of two men at the same time... Off the chart. Okay Claire, put a med team on it. Check for everything: diet, environment, viruses... And run a detailed analysis of every crew member's genome. We have to find out what's causing this. I can't clear these men for space travel. I think we got that. You're excused. I will tell Vandenburg to get the pod ready. I want a few minutes. You don't need more time, Mike. You know damn well what's causing this. And they're going. This is our mission. I am not gonna let that thing dictate anymore of the crew. Wassenfelder were bad enough. –We don't have a choice. Do you think for one moment I wanna send my husband? –Well, that makes two of us. And Donner for about a hundred reasons. And who's to say this thing is not gonna give them heart murmurs? Well, there are no guarantees, Mike. None. We're in uncharted territory here. But this seems to be what it wants. Whether you wanna face it or not... it has to say a lot more in this mission than we do. Remember last night I asked you about fate? Told you I don't believe in fate. I'm a Buddhist. Yeah. I didn't tell you something. I'm having a dream about this mission. And... You and I are both on it. You both are gonna need immidiate physicals. You have tonight to get your personal things in order... and launch in the service pod tomorrow morning. Report to medical now? –Yes, Donner, leave us. –Roger that. This wasn't supposed to happen. Ted, you have no idea. We need to see the new mission commander upstairs. Clean bill of health, but the pants stay off. –Sorry? –You need your vasectomy, Donner. I don't understand. Your sterilization. It's painless. Yeah, actually, it's not. I had it done when I got back from Mars. Well, yeah, um. According to your chart you did, but not according to your scan. When are you gonna tell everybody else? In 43 days... when you get to Venus. I always believed that this was my mission, my ship, that I was traveling on the path Ganesha wanted for me. That this... out here... was where my problems and obstacles lay. I feel so lost now. I cannot understand this. I cannot. Who needs this path more than I? Pap, I'm going on a mission. It's six years, and... I don't know if you're gonna be here when I get back. You had the sweetest slider I ever saw. Fastball, change up, monster curve. You had all the tools. I wanted something else, Pap. Pour me another before you leave. Maybe I can request a replacement. I can come back on the pod. No, there is no time for that. Jen, forgive me. I want you to know that I was gonna be there with you. You'll be there with me. Yeah. What? For everything. Just remember how much I love you. Okay? Show me. Let's kill the flight deck cameras. Give the mission commander some privacy with his wife. The way I see it, they're lucky. You can't call an ambulance on the surface of Mars. You realize this all points to a common cause. I mean... there is no way it occured randomly. It could be... viral, environmental, something they were eating... we were eating. They're looking in everything. Claire's gonna be monitoring us all very closely. Did you hear that? What? That. No. No. It's the... the rotator arm. I'm gonna go check on A.J. Oh, tell him I got the porno up and running... so he can pop his HALO off and just enjoy. Zoe Barnes? I am A.J Sharma. Hi, A.J. Hi. It's a good thing that you won the bucket. –I am not so sure about that. –No... Upchucking it is an obstacle that we all must face eventually... and you were just fortunate enough to face it first. Ah, I... A.J, scram. Girl talk. Oh, um. Okay, not the time. Can I get a vodka cran, please? Somebody's got a boyfriend. That's vodka, drink up. Thank God, I'm not pregnant. Oh, no. No, you are pregnant. You're just not gonna have a baby. Last time I looked it was the law. It's a stupid law. You know, a couple of justices kick, and it'll be reversed. Zoe, you have more than one option here. –I don't know. There are over a thousand qualified applicants for your slot alone. I mean, getting into this program was winning the lottery. Believe me, I know. I know. Okay, so you can not give it up for a one-night-stand. I mean, you just can't. I know a guy. He's a doctor. When you're ready, just give me the word. I need some air. –Zoe. Hey... –Not now. Dude, you don't stand a chance. A.J? Mission control, this is Antares. Antares, this is control. Do we have permission to put up the cameras? You do indeed, mission control. And... thank you for your discretion. Yeah, well, we didn't want that to end up in Wassenfelder's vid bank. Eh, listen Rollie, we just had the cameras and operation controls for the airlock corridors go offline. We can't seem to get them back up. Yeah, we're seeing that too. I'll get A.J down here to look at it. Actually, I think A.J is the problem. I just saw him enter the airlock corridor. I tried to follow, but he locked me out. Flight, I'm showing an UVA and MMU pack up and running. Dammit, he's going for a walk. How soon can we override his instructions? We're working on it. Give us five minutes. If he's in that suit, we don't have five minutes. Where the hell is Donner? On his way in. –What's the time to Venus burn? –Six hours, nine minutes. A.J's heartbeat and BP are spiking. Antares, this is control. Have you made contact? Negative, control. Rollie is running through the channels. Looks like his com is off. This guy tested the most stable in the entire program. Does anyone know if Hindus commit suicide? No, they don't. At least I don't think they do. Let me talk to him. –He has turned his com off. Well, that's not good. –He's moving away from the ship. –Don't do that, A.J. Space travel is a fool's game. Human beings are 60 percent water. We sleep, eat, defecate, can't follow directions, and we explode like piñatas when exposed to the vacuum in space. What's he doing? Putting himself in orbit. Oh, A.J. Wherever he's going, I hope he makes it. Here. I'll go out. I can go out and get him. We wanna go out and get him. Do you copy? Yeah, let her go. Mike, let her go. Negative. I'll eat the loss of an EVA suit. I can't afford losing another crew member. You and Shaw ship out in two hours. Get your ass in gear. –That's it? –That's what? You're just gonna let him die? I got six hours to launch a ten trillion dollar mission on its way to Venus I don't have time for A.J and his silly little meltdown. And I sure as hell don't have time for you. Don't piss me off, Donner. Not now. As soon as I get back, I quit. Arnel, how much time does he have got left in that suit. Eight hours? Give or take. My old man is right about every single item. Except the initial premiss. Man belongs in space because of exactly what he brings into the void. We carry the baggage of our past, our fears, our superstitions, our failings. Mercury went direct two hours ago. It's too late for A.J. No, it isn't. But we also carry our hopes and our dreams... the hard lessons learned from our lives. Donner, Shaw, you dock your craft on the Antares right now. Um, negative, flight. Unless you can override these controls, I think we're gonna take a little detour. They are on 41. Hell of a view out there, eh? Ganesha and I have been enjoying it very much. Ganesha? He is the Lord of obstacles. But, he is also the Lord of new beginnings. All right. You wanna hitch your ride back in and start something new? This is my path, Donner. Right here. All the way to Venus. Correct me if I am wrong here, A.J, but if you stay out here doesn't that mean that you have to start all over on the next life time? Now, I mean... I am no expert, but you are the one that was always telling me that... each of us has a lesson to learn, and obstacles to overcome. So, maybe this is your big one, you know? Maybe you overcome this and you take a big step toward to Nirvana. You don't understand. Wait, wait, wait... Wait a second. You think that I don't understand? I think I do. My path is here on this ship, with these people. Your path is back on Earth, A.J. But, you know what? We can't do it alone. You, me, the ship, we're a three-way. We need each other. For all our faults, whether we're guided by our destiny, or we got them ourselves, we are resilient, we can adapt. There is something I must do first. Yeah. Yes. We can find redemption in the simplest acts of humanity. I never heard of robot or a probe that was able to do that. So... If space travel is a fool's game, then... Aaaa... Thats what I am. So, be it. But, I never felt more alive, or more human. Antares, you are go for Venus, in five... 4, 3, 2, 1. Ignition! by Dobrivoje, Siban and friends Make a wish. It's my 14th birthday today and I've been thoroughly spoiled. I've had a book on mythology, a pot of yoghurt a brooch made out of a penny... and... Your life can be trying, for we have the chore, of becoming your teachers, a terrible bore. You read and study all the day, determined to keep the boredom away. The more difficult question, much harder to bear, is, "what on earth do I have to wear?" I've got no more knickers, my clothes are too tight, my vest is a loincloth, I'm really a sight! To put on my shoes I must cut off my toes. Oh, dear, I'm plagued with so many woes! Thank you, Father. What goes, "99, thump"? - I don't know. What? - A centipede with a wooden leg! Happy birthday. Sorry I haven't got any wrapping paper. They're my niece's, she's outgrown them. - Thank you, Miep. - Oh, look at her! Sweet 14 and never been kissed. It's 16, stupid. It wasn't for me! I feel like I'm on stilts, but I'll practise and practise until I get used to them. What's happening to me is so wonderful, and I don't just mean the changes on the outside of my body, but the inside too. Whenever I have my period, I've had it three times now. I feel that despite all the pain and mess, I'm carrying around a sweet secret Sometimes, at night I have a terrible urge to... touch my body I can't tell anyone not even Margot. - Sorry. - It's all yours. Parents are so peculiar about sex, aren't they And Margot won't tell me anything Shoulders back. It was Jacqueline who told me that babies don't come out of their mother's tummies. She said, "Where the ingredients go in, "that's where the finished product comes out." Once, I tried to feel her breast but she wouldn't let me. Look how you've grown, that's three inches in this last year! - We can't wear these skirts, Mother. - It was very kind of Bep. - They're hideous. - They're not that bad. - They look like potato sacks! - She used up all her clothing coupons. Everything's wearing out. Mother's corset's snapped, things get broken and we can't replace them. And the Van Daans' money is running out. - Give that back! - You're not selling it! - Give that back! - Over my dead body! Why can't the firm pay for us? It pays for the Franks! It's his business, you stupid cow! Give me that coat! - What about his bicycle? - No, Mother! - What use is it to you here? - I need it. Where exactly are you planning to go? When the war is over... It's never going to be over! We're going to be shot like rats by the Nazis, blown to bits while we're locked up here like lepers. Why didn't you get us out before it was too late? - We could've gone to America. - Shut up! - What are you grinning at? - I'm not. - Staring at us, sniggering at us. - I'm not! Why can't you stay in your own bloody room? She's just a fat, red-faced fishwife Added to that she's exceedingly pushy, egotistical, cunning, calculating, manipulative, grasping, vain and coquettish. If only I could dump her in a bucket of water and put her in the coal shed! Aren't parents awful? Don't you mind it when they're horrible to you? - I probably deserve it. - No, you don't! You should stand up to them. - They've always been like this. - You're too nice, that's your problem. Until recently. I'm sorry I teased you. - It's all right. - When I called you a dimwit... You're not. You just take your time. I think that underneath it, you're a really deep thinker. Trouble is, I babble away and then I could hit myself afterwards. Nobody really understands me, but then I don't really understand myself. - I feel so lonely sometimes. - You? Haven't you noticed? Most of these potatoes are... My parents are just as bad. They treat me like a baby. Even Father does, and I love him to bits. And he's always siding with Margot. Everybody loves Margot. Well, of course, I do, too. She's so beautiful, isn't she? Don't you think? - I hadn't really thought about it. - That true? Next time you go to get the potatoes, can I come too? Down to the warehouse? Won't you be scared? Not with you. - I need a bra now. - I don't think so. - Can I have one of yours? - I've only got two. You said they've got too small. But I haven't got anything else. Please! Really? You like Peter, don't you? Of course. - How much do you like him? - More than you do, that's for sure. I wish you wouldn't snap at him, Anne. I know he's not very bright, but he does have feelings. You all right? For months now, I haven't been allowed down here Father says it's got too dangerous. It feels so strange to get this close to the outside world. You're so brave, coming down here. It's my job. And I have to bolt the doors each night and unbolt them again every morning. Sometimes, when it's quiet I can hear the warehousemen laughing. They used to be my friends. They used to give me sweets. He always follows me down. He loves you, that's why. Go! Peter and I have been coming to the attic more and more, lately I think I'm falling in love with him, but I don't know if he feels the same way about me He's so shy. I think they're playing just for us, don't you? Sometimes I feel like a bird whose wings have been ripped off. I want to dance and whistle, I want to look at the world and feel young and free and not worry whether or not I'm Jewish. I just want to have some fun! Everyone's always getting at me. If I talk, I'm showing off. If I don't talk I'm rude, if I'm tired, I'm lazy. Grown-ups are always like that. We're going to be different, aren't we? I want to move to the East Indies and live on a rubber plantation. I'm going to be a dancer or famous movie star, I can't decide which. It's all right, we've got a chaperone. Have you two got my cushion? I'm sorry, Mr Dussel, it was the only one we could find. - It'll be covered in fleas. - The cat didn't sit on it. Can I have nothing to myself in this place? What a fusspot! Let's give him a real surprise. What? Come on! Get something! No, silly! He'll see. What are you two laughing about? I'm doing my best not to chase after him all the time, and to talk to him as little as possible, but it's not easy. What was that? What's happened? The front door was still bolted this morning. I had to break a window to get in. You stupid idiot! Now the air-raid warden'll think there's been a burglary and call the police. The police? You're getting very careless nowadays. One little job, and you can't even bloody do that! Poor Peter, it gets worse and worse Mouschi's disappeared. No-one's seen him since yesterday. It's not your fault. I'm useless, I'm stupid, I'm no good at anything. That's not true. You're quite good at geography. And now I've lost my cat! You've got me. Have you ever... kissed anybody? No-one? - Only Mother and... - I mean, a girl. It's so crazy I'm half mad with desire for him, and yet... I don't know Is he the right one? I don't know. - Off to the attic again? - I'm {\just }lending Peter The Forsythe Saga. Getting a lot of reading done up there, are you? Haven't you noticed? This is the BBC Home and Forces Programme. Here is the news, some of the best news of the war so far. John Snagg will read it to you. The Italian armed forces have surrendered unconditionally and an armistice has been granted. Where's Anne and Peter? They should be hearing this. This news has been given by General Eisenhower in a broadcast from Algiers at 5.30 this afternoon... So I'm not Miss Quack Quack any more? I'm sorry I teased you. You thought I was a little pest, didn't you? I used to be the class clown, but I'm a different Anne now. - I like it when you smile. - Why? Because you've got dimples on your cheeks. I was born with them. It's the only mark of beauty I possess. What? That's not true! I know I'm not beautiful. I never have been and I never shall be. I think you're very pretty. You're my El Dorado. That's a place, silly! You can't call a person that. Only joking. - Goodnight, my dear. - Goodnight, Mother. - Please be careful, my love. - About what? Peter's a very sensitive child. And I'm not? I just mean, he is rather young for his age. In many ways, rather younger than you. And he hasn't had your... advantages. You know... - You know you can be rather demanding. - Demanding? Enthusiastic. I mean you pick things up and then you suddenly get bored of them. Is that all you can say, Mother? Can't you be happy for me? Of course I am! I just... don't want him to be hurt. You can be rather hurtful, you know. Seems like you care more about his feelings than mine. That's not true. I want you to be happy, more than anything in the world. Doesn't sound like it. I just don't want you to grow up too fast. Girls do nowadays. Haven't you noticed? We're not going to be the same as you. We're going to live our own lives, travel and have careers and... And we're going to make a better job of it than you grown-ups did. - Do you want to come into our room? - I'm all right. Really? Night night. Tell me honestly, do you mind? Of course not! I mean, you're nearer his age. I've never thought of him like that. I just wish you'd told me. We used to tell each other everything. You could always come and join us up in the attic. - You'd be very welcome. - Don't be silly! Night, Anne. I wish I could get away from our parents. Do you think they've got bases on the coast? I suppose sometimes they must put petrol in and think it's full. It's getting cold up here And so boring We've been shut up together so long that everyone knows what everyone else is going to say, the punch line of every joke, the end of every story We're driving each other crazy. That is the stupidest comment I've ever heard. Why aren't the British carrying out any bombing raids today? Because the weather's bad. But it was nice yesterday and they weren't flying then, either. Shut up! - Can't a person talk? - Not in your case. Mr Frank always answers his wife. - She doesn't talk such rubbish. - I'm only trying to make conversation. And when she does talk, it's usually something pleasant or useful. Every day our helpers arrive, with the wind on their clothes and the fresh air on their cheeks, bringing us our freedom On Saturday, Miep's laden like a pack mule with our library books Food comes in cycles. Just now it's cabbage. Cabbage with sand, cabbage without sand, cabbage with mashed potatoes, cabbage and mashed potato casserole But I don't mind. All I think about is when I can be alone again with Peter. Annelies, dear, you're getting very behind in your studies. You don't want to find yourself in the lower class when you go back to school, do you? What is our motto? Work and hope. Your mother and I... are getting a little concerned about you. She doesn't understand! Why can't you be nicer to her? You make her very unhappy.{\, you know? } Do you... love this boy? Do you think it's wrong? But when you're living so close together, as we do, you have to be careful. Outside, things are quite different. You can see other girls and boys, you can take part in sports and other activities. But here, we're together every moment of the day, if you want to get away from someone, you can't. Things... can get rather... out of hand. Time for your French. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Take my parents. Their relationship is supposed to be ideal, no cross words, perfect agreement. But Father's not in love with Mother the way she's in love with him He kisses her the way he kisses us I'm not going to have a marriage like that "Dear Pim, if only you knew how unhappy and lonely I've been "this last year and a half, "with everybody criticising me for everything I do..." Somebody's tried to assassinate Hitler. Come and listen to the wireless! In a moment. "Nobody, not even you, understands how I'm growing up. "I need to be free and now, after a long struggle, the battle's over. "I don't need you, or my mother, any more. "I don't want to live by your example. "I'm an independent person and I'll behave the way I want to. "Nothing will keep me from going up to the attic. "You'll either have to forbid it, or trust me. "I'm not your little girl any more, so please leave me alone!" Dinner's ready. What's the matter, dear? I'm just... reading about Pip's death. What, again? I've received many letters in my lifetime. But none as hurtful as this. You've had so much love from us. We've been always on your side, however impossible you've been. All this time, I've encouraged you to be a writer, so that... you can write me this? I can't help it! I have to write what I feel! Transcript: Chocolate Sync: Tagne # I'm not sick, but I'm not well # And I'm so hot # Cos I'm in hell. # Now, look, Hans, I want you to be careful taking it out. Yeah. He's a big bastard, I'll give you that. Maybe I can break him down, cut him down to size. If you want, I could get the axe. The axe? ! Just a hand axe, Mark, not a felling axe. No, Hans, no axes. I can help for a little sweetener, a fiver? A fee? I suppose you never really sat on that sofa much, did you? Maybe just for about 100,000 hours. And I suppose you won't sit on the new sofa much, either. I just need money, Mark. Yes, well, I don't want to pay you for domestic chores. That's why I'm abusing my management position to get you challenging work at JLB. I don't need to be challenged, Mark, I just need something to do in the mornings. Some purpose. I'm tired of staring at my own winkle all day. And careful bringing the new one in. Chipped paintwork and abrasion to the upholstery will result in deductions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions apply. This energy drink may cause anal discharge etc. JEREMY: Hasn't got a girlfriend so he buys a new sofa. You can't fuck a sofa, mate. Take it from me. This suit. It's sapping my vibe, my powers. I can't think right. Yeah, well, why don't you get another job? You could explore that opening at the giant beanstalk, catching the golden eggs as they fall from the arse of the giant's chicken. I mean, there weren't any jobs when I didn't want a job. And now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs. Not just like, there aren't any jobs, but like, there are totally, quite literally, no jobs. You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven. This is a bunch of stuff, got left on board. Thought you could feast on this lot. What is it? Sex stuff? Booze? Drug gear? Baby shit. What? Why did you bring that in here? Well, you two are on some baby tip, ain't ya? One of you is the father of Sophie's Jerry Springer baby. - We're not doing baby. - Plenty of time for the baby later. The baby's too big. You can't look at it, Hans, it's like the sun. Yeah, that's the policy. What's in there, anyway? Baby shit. So small. No, no. No, thank you. Put it under the bed, Jeremy. OK, yeah. It's going under there. Right, it's under there now. It'll be safe under there. OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK. Jesus, you are something else. Thank you very much. JEREMY: He took the insult as a complimentl Shit, he could become invulnerable. I'm just going to take off my flatmate hat and put on my much larger, new JLB manager's hat. - Have you not sorted this yet? - (PHONE BEEPS) Hi, Colin. Listen, could you do me a favour and take a punt on a grunt? Yeah, farmyard fodder, a day player. No overheads, no holiday, no contract. Cut and shut. A phone pig. Ha-ha! Exactly. Cool, bro. Thanks. A phone pig? You're not going to lord it over me, are you, Mark? Of course not. MARK: Maybe I could make him wear a little coloured hat like they do with chimpanzees. A comb with a propeller on top. I might tell him it's a first day tradition. JEREMY: Wow, she is one hot tamale. Did you hear the boiler in the night? Were you hot? Whatever. I sleep naked, head out of the window, so when I wake up it's just me and the universe. But how? Your bed is on the other side of the room. Got a system. JEREMY: The maestro, magically made her think of me naked. He didn't even clock her. Tragic. MARK: Think she spotted it. Just... Yeah. That's right, sweetheart. Ergonomic management keyboard. So this is it, Jeremy. The field of screams. Colin will be in in ten, but I think this'll be your... area. What, all of it? - Er, yes. - Cool. Whoa, it's tippy! I've got a tippy chair. Yeah, so you'll just be following the cold-calling script. There's a script? So I'll be, like, an actor? Exactly, Jeremy. You'll be just like an actor, like Al Pacino or Jeremy Irons. Just tell everyone you call, "You've been specially selected "as eligible for our exclusive introductory interest rate." Well, no, not everyone. Because if it's exclusive, then... Oh, my God. It's wheels within wheels. I've been invited inside with the bean counters and the water boarders. MARK: At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages. MARK: Out with the artificial limb, the salary man keyboard. In with the Dominator, the Death Star. Yeah, Dobby. I'll summon her in later. "Uh, Dobby, I seem to be having a server problem. "Could you have a fiddle? I think the problem is in my pants. " - Oh, Jeff! - I'm busy, Mark. Not too busy to check in with your boss. You're not me boss, Mark. Stop calling yourself me boss. I'm head of a team that contains people of your level. I'm certainly your superior, let's leave it at that. I'm on your remuneration committee, so... fingers crossed for that bonus, Jeff. What's funnier - zero bonus or, like, a humiliating £ 103? Both are very funny. Hey, man, can't stop. Just to say, it's all going super great down there. You're not leaving. You've got to stay until at least five or it makes me look bad. I've made four sales. I'm zinging. Colin's put me the top of the leaderboard. I'm in line for Pizza Hut vouchers. You're king of the farmyard? You're in line for the free garlic bread? - (ELECTRONIC BEEP) - What's? Fire alarm. - Oh, God. Look at you. - What? Frightened little mouse. It's a fire alarm, Jeremy. Oh, yeah, right. Like there's a fire. There's never a fire, it just doesn't happen. I mean, maybe in a film. So there's never been a fire, anywhere(? ) Not in an office in England. God, you're pathetic. "Ooh, fire, please don't burn me or my possessions. "I'm so important and flammable." - Is this a test? - No, not a test. Come on, Mark. Fucking hell, get your elbows in. It's all gone Backdraft. What's going on? There's a rumour in that huddle of third-floor Daleks that it's a test. But the phone pigs are sure there was a fire in the farmyard kitchen. The maintenance man's pulling his pud in the Portakabin. Come on. You're management, Corrigan. Get it sorted. Right. Chance would be a fine thing. MARK: That's a thing that people say, isn't it? ' The reset code needs to be authorised from Frankfurt - if you can believe it. Mark, can't you reset it? Chance would be a fine thing, Lisa! I know what we should do. A coffee run. Corrigan, 200 lattes. - (LAUGHTER) - Good one, Jeff. Chance would be a fine thing. A fine thing, indeed. Hm, saying that too often now. Everything's under control. We'll have it all sorted, as soon as. Quick as. Oh, thank God, Johnson. The great helmsman can march us to a grain depot and we can bed down for the night. Everyone! Listen. So, listen up, I just got in from Aberdeen. I want to warn you that you're probably going to be hearing a lot of rumours, but I can reassure you that Steffan Strauss and the rest in Frankfurt are doing everything they can. Talks are ongoing and everything is looking promising. But I need to inform you that you're all officially unemployed. ALL: What? ! Nol I've just started being a bossl What about my Danish sofa, what about my keyboard? I didn't get to show Dad a business card. The doors are locked. JLB Credit UK is no longer existent. Thank you and goodnight, England. Alan, Alan, where do management go? - Alan, let me in! Alan! - (TYRES SCREECH) The last Beemer out of Saigon. I'm at the mercy of the Vietnamese peasants. Please don't put me in a bamboo cage. Wow! So everything's just gone tits up. I mean, how mad is that? Headfuck or what? Yes, Jeremy. It is indeed a headfuck. Exactly. Pete was just saying a bunch might go down the Crown. The Crown? You know, where everyone goes on a Friday? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, down the Crown. Great, one morning and he fits in better than me. Gone. All the lovely power. Might as well delete my spreadsheet of her coffee-break times. I cannot believe this. I can't. They've really screwed us, man. They've screwed me. They've diddled you, at most. It's like JLB never existed. Puff! Just puff! Gone. So sad. Ooh. MARK: Urgh. Sophie. Alcohol. That can't be good for our baby. It's not our baby. Can you stop saying that? Ouch. Another one. You should give her a warning look, Mark. Let's try and give her a warning look. Is it OK, do you think, to get involved? I guess a bit of one of us is on board. The baby is a bit like our embassy on her territory. Let's not have a little pisshead, Mark. MARK: The first of many pub visits the baby's going to ruin. Hi. We were just wondering... - What? - The wine, Soph. - I've had one small glass. - We both know that's not true, so let's start with the facts, shall we, and... Cheers, Soph. Oh. We thought that was... One small spritzer, half a unit, should I have got written permission? Written permission! Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect. It certainly has put me well and truly in my place. Hey, guess what? You love me and you want to move to Norway? Pete heard we're in profit. The German outfit's the one tanking, but Strauss is closing up the UK to save the mother ship. Jesus! You're kidding, is that true? Dunno, it might be one of those rumours you get after disasters. Like, did you know nobody with an Apple Mac died on 9/11? But we can't let them... split up the team. I mean, you and me and, and, you know, Lisa. It would be a tragedy... If I couldn't see you any more. We've got to fight back. Yeah! Hear, hear. It's too beautiful a thing to let just go puff! OK, gotta build a JLB life raft. Haul Dobby out of the water. "Come aboard, shipmate. Now let's get you out of those wet clothes. " I was thinking, JLB Survivors' Campaign Group. Right, yeah. A grassroots campaign to get justice. Grassroots, yeah. But with me as the chair. Or president. President or chair. Which do you reckon? Doesn't matter. We'll campaign and I'll write a blog and I'll write to my MP and I might go on The One Show... And I've got an idea for a rather savage satirical cartoon. We could do a benefit night and I might do a skit. You, in a skit? In front of people? It just think it would be fun. I might do a skit with Dobby. Oh, right. I get it. Yeah, the swish of the curtain, the smell of the greasepaint. The rub-job in the dressing room. Oi, oi. 3:40pm. Back home. Slightly pissed. Guess what? We both went to work and it was brilliant, but then the whole company got shut down and it was mad shit. We're both out of a job. Oh, well. More work for the men with ven. Recession. Supper time for the vanners, dude. All these big beasts going belly up, we're just vanning their shit out. Might give my contact a bell. See what bits of the JLB corpse there are to chow down on. Hans, please. This is hard for us. I feel that something's died inside, don't you, Mark? Uh-huh. It's such a weird day for all of us JLBers. I mean, the whole thing's gone. Just... puff! - Can you please stop doing that? - Why? I'm really depressed. - You're not allowed to be depressed. - Why not? Because you're freeloading on my trauma. You're a grief thief. Bollocks. I really felt I was finding my niche. You can't find your niche between 9 and 11:30. Since when did you set the niche-finding times? Look, the only reason you're romanticising this job is you'll never get do it again. Oi, oi, oi! Byatt, Drabble. Relax. Come and have a look at this. MARK: Jesus. Look at it. I wonder who the Prime Minister will be when I've finished the repayments. An unborn Miliband? The depression is here and my new sofa is a white elephant. It's a creamy elephant. Please don't call it the creamy elephant. I think I'm going to be sick. Jez, listen. If you're at a loose end, I might need a couple of guys, do a job, cash-in-hand. Oh! The high quality upholstery is like a knife in my back. All we need is another guy. Any guy with hands and arms and legs who might be around to just jump in the van and earn a few quid. Hm. A guy... A guy who needs a bit of cash, a guy, a guy, a guy... Where can we find just a regular guy, any guy? I'm trying to think, but I can't think. (MARK COUGHS) How did this happen? I woke up Branson, end the day humping shit cash-in-hand for Super Hans. Where do I go? You're riding bitch on the bitch rack. God, Hans is my boss. Jeremy is probably my line manager. Sorry for the delay. While I was waiting for the food, I actually sketched out a potential invite for the JLB survivors' fundraiser. It's just a satirical sideswipe at the corporate culture. Star Wars? "If you stroke my down I shall become more purrful "than you can possibly imagine." Yeah. Isn't down for a duck, not a cat? Yes, but it's got to be cat because of "purrful." - Does it? - Yes. - But, "If you stroke my down..." - Yes. ...it's definitely got to be a duck. You're over-analysing. People will be laughing so hard they won't be thinking about what it does or doesn't mean, Jeremy. Where's my fucking nuggets? I've dropped about six social classes since this morning. And where's my onion rings? This is, this is... You fucked this order right up, haven't you? Eh? Haven't you? Eh? Answer me! Yes. Right, I'm having your chicken wrap. Jez, you can have the chips. You... can have this little bit of matter. Eurghl For once in my life I've done enough physical labour to merit a high-carb meal and all I'm left with is an indeterminate puck of gristle. Boss of the JLB survivors. Yesl probably a lot of organisations got started to bag pussy for their leaders. Charles Manson and his family, Henry VIII and the Church of England. I've been doing vodka shots with the phone pigs. It's great to see all the old faces, isn't it? Yes, Jeremy, I invited everyone, even Steffan Strauss from Frankfurt, though I doubt he'll be showing his face, not after my cartoon. - You saw the cartoon, Soph? - Yeah. - Did you like it? - Yeah. Oh, brilliant. What did you like about it? It was a sort of joke, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right, Soph, exactly. Yeah, I'm not gonna squeeze too much praise out of that dry old stone. Probably went straight over her head. - Dobbs, hey there. - Hi, Mark. Did you get a chance to have a look at my speech? Was it OK? Oh, yeah, amazing. Martin Luther Corrigan. And do you think I should call head office "avaricious profit cannibals", - or "mendacious bonus junkies"? - Well, you're the boss, you decide. Exactly, I'm the boss. I am the boss again. I'd better go, make sure Skunky Pete knows how to crank up the volume. - Tell him to turn it up to 11. - (LAUGHS) - That's a Spinal Tap joke. - I know. (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) MARK: Look at them all, nervous now, that's natural. This is how Frost felt before the first That Was The Week, or Through The Keyhole. How do I look? Do I look all right? - Great. You're going to be great, man. - Thanks. I just need... The moustache? Yeah. I'm having a mini wobble on the moustache. What do you think? I just feel... I'm not trying to associate JLB HQ with the Nazis, that would be reductive. I just want to hint at certain similarities in terms of the unquestioning approach both power structures want their underlings to adopt. Do you think people will get that? Yeah. Maybe an Erich Honecker, a Bismarck, something a little more tasty? Mark, you've got to get the shit-munchers onside. Adolf is a guaranteed hooter. Hitler me, Jez. I'm becoming the Führer - the Führer of laughs. (GERMAN ACCENT) So, what have we here? An ailing patient, but one who's delivering consistent profits, except for 2003. What on earth happened here? DOBBY: Barbara spunked a grand on the Christmas do. Should have kept line for myself. She doesn't know who Barbara is. So, let the surgery begin. Bloody hell, this is greatl I've single-handedly re-launched the satire boom. (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God. They loved it! They didn't seem to go crazy for the outsourcing IT material. Maybe they just spunked their wad on the farmyard kettle shit. I know, that was massive! I'm drinking champagne, I've written and directed a hit play it's the bohemian dream. Man, that was so funny. Some of the guys said it could be on TV. Oh, God, what a ridiculous idea, that on TV! No, not without a lot of editing. It really is a crazy idea at its current duration. And Steffan Strauss made it after all. I'm sorry? Hello, uh, Mark. Oh, hi, Steffan. We got your invite and we wanted to show everyone's appreciation from the Frankfurt end for the UK operation's good work over the years. Did you see the skit? Yes, I saw the skit. Oh, right. Good. I've gone too far. Permanent marker. I'm Russell Brand. Steffan's lovely Andrew Sachs. Has it gone? No, and obviously there must be a lot of anxiety over bonus and salary issues, but JLB is doing all it can to help. That's great. Maybe we can chat further when you've taken off your costume? I'm really sorry about the moustache. No, no, it's fine. It's a difficult time. To me, Germany is Goethe and Thomas Mann and Boris Becker, but it's difficult to do a Goethe moustache. Did Goethe have a moustache, out of interest? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe. Really? That's fascinating. I'd like to talk with you more about Goethe. I really am no expert. Oh, you're too modest. Look, come and have a chat next door when you're ready. Oh, into the interrogation room with the Gestapo. Not Gestapol Just normal German federal or state police. So, what did you, um? Steffan wanted to have a chat with you about some issues, about your JLB survivors' group. It doesn't look good, some of the accusations flying around. We don't like friction. Their thing is... if the campaign were to quieten down, maybe there'd be a few more resources for redundancy. You might even get your bonus. They'll give us what we want? ! No. But they can give you what you want. On a one-off basis, if all this unpleasantness was to go away. They want to stuff my mouth with gold. Lovely, chewy gold. I could pay-off the sofa, I could buy the matching chair. I told Steffan you might not have the arsehole for this, Mark. You need a brass ringpiece to handle this. The question is, can you put a lid on the squid? DOBBY: Listen up, mofos, cos it's the right honourable Mr Mark Corrigan. (CHEERING) MAN: Speak for England, Arthur. MARK: Oh, that's good, he must have Googled that. Heil, Mark. (HE MOUTHS) Thank you, thank you, and it's great that you could all come today. It's been a great afternoon and we've had a lot of laughs, and I'd just like to say about the JLB survivors' group, and the final salary payout battle, well, it's been a week now and I think the time has come for us to stand up and say, "We tried, we failed and we're moving on." - (THEY MURMUR) - What do you mean? Look, JLB is a big multinational and it's served us all a great big shit sandwich, but what we've got to do is we've just got to eat it down. So let's go forward, conserve our energy, let bygones be bygones, turn the music up and have a great time! Over to you, Mr DJ! MARK: Oh, great(l) The chopper's leaving Saigon without me again. Just get to the buffet - the safety of the buffet. If I can stuff my mouth with enough salami, I won't be able to answer any difficult questions. - What the hell was that? Yeah, great party. Have you tried the baba ghanoush? - What about our money? - When are we gonna get our money? You worked at JLB for less than three hours. I'll give you your bloody money! There's your money! £14.50! Are you happy now? A bit, yes. Did they nobble you, Mark, in the back room? Are you kidding? ! I kicked off! I really want to hurt those bastards! I think the cartoon rocked them. Let me have a think about another savage pun. Oh, bollocks, Mark! Words and speeches and ideas never change anything. - Let's do something. - MAN: Yeah! Who's up for a raiding party? MARK: Got to get Dobby back onside. The doors will definitely be locked. Time for a futile gesture. Let's do this thing! - I can't believe they left the door open. - MARK: Thank God for that. - Super Hans? - What are you doing here? We're going up there, to fuck shit up. No way. Oh, right, fair enough. I suppose we'd better all just... - What? ! - Sorry, man. I've got keys. MARK: Of course he's got keysl He's carving up the JLB corpse. We're just gonna take what's ours. Make your protest through the agreed grievance procedure that's a good procedure. - Riot! - Put it back, bitch! That's JLB's. - MARK: It's the pass at Thermopylae. We're the Spartans... Nol Hans is the Spartans. - Come on, Mark! - Hold on, am I a Spartan or a Persian? Fuck it, I'll work it out later. OK, what's the minimum criminal damage I can get away with? Take that! Our work here is done! Let's go! Snow storm! MARK: OK, there is a nuclear reaction under way. But I can be a cooling rod. They're the hard spirits, I'm the carbonated mixer. How can I distract the savages? Keyboardl Apparent crusade for justice, reduced risk of RSI at home. Double bubble. I've got it! I've got the keyboard! Mission accomplished, guys! Let's roll. MARK: Why has he got his shirt off? Any excuse and he'll take his shirt off. Come on, Mark! Oh, Godl Got to respond. She's got a cock. Need to get a cock of my own. Suck on this! Take it, foam face! Dobby's hard-on's coming all over me. This is my dream, my nightmarel Eat my foam, eat it up! Never foam alone! (LAUGHING) Foam home, foam home! Oh, this is better than sexl It's easier than sex. Oh, my Godl That wasn't my main photocopier, but it was a trusty steed when the main one was busy. Screw itl Who needs photocopiers when you've got a woman and a high-resolution printer that scans? Shall we? Yeah, I mean, I've copied a lot of shit on this copier, but who the hell even cares? - (ALL LAUGH) - STEFFAN: Mark? - (LAUGHTER STOPS) - Hello, Steffan. What are you? We're shredding, Mark. What's going on? Nothing. Well, I mean, obviously we're fucking everything up, and the fact that you're probably insured for all this doesn't make a blind bit of difference to us. - Yeah. - Yeah, so suck it up, you douche bag! MARK: Well, got Dobby, but there goes the Nazi gold. Back into the vault with all the Rembrandts. # I'm not sick, but I'm not well # And I'm so hot # Cos I'm in hell. # I remember they were throwing paper in the air and there was just this mayhem. I looked at him and said 'what's going on? ' He said well you know this is where they work, this is what they do' 'This is what happens every day.' I was just like thrilled, I was like this is something I've never seen before. You know, eyes got wide, I was just ahh. Everybody looked like they were in a riot. But there was some kind of order to it. And I just had to be part of it. From that moment I went literally back to my workplace and game my two-week notice. Without having a contact. Without knowing how I was going to get on the floor. I Just knew this was where I needed to be. I needed to be onto the floor. FLOORED The biggest pits in the world are here in Chicago. Chicago Mercantile, the Board of Trade, Board of Options Exchange, even the Chicago Stock Exchange. There's no place else that you have nine thousand pit traders all in one city, no where else in the world. This is the bastion of capitalism. Player of railroads of the nation. Stacker of wheat. Hog butcher to the world. That's what we do here. If Chicago's know for anything else, let it be trading capital of the world. This is Lasalle Boulevard, all the way down. In the summertime it's absolutely beautiful, all the trees full up. This is where trading started. Why do we have so many traders here? I think it really is an entrepreneurial spirit and It's a very competitive environment. I know the guys on the trading desks in New York are also very competitive but it's not physical. Chicago it's physical. It was based on gentleman's rules. It was based on integrity, honesty, mutual respect. But the business in the pit was the furthest thing from gentleman's rules. I mean, you saw the worst in everyone. You're standing there and somebody spits in your face somebody inadvertently stabs you with a pen or steps on your foot or spits on you like I said. It's like something that you don't even really address It's like completely, you're immune to it it's like, it's silent-- quiet in the chaos. The physicality in the pit was ridiculous. We got to the point where at times the pit was physical that before the start of the opening bell we could pick our feet up off the ground and not fall. The open-outcry process is you know, eighty percent bravery. I mean it's a perspiration game, you have to have-- you have to have nerve. Some are brilliant, some are totally eccentric. Some are totally nerdy, some are just flagrant jerks. At the Board of Trade. The interview process that I had to become a member I remember the one question they asked me: 'What do you want to do? ' I said 'I want to make a lot of money and leave'. You never found an ad in the paper you know, it was all people who trusted you. A friend of the family got you on there because you were sharp or you had potential. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. My older brother is four years older than me. He had already been trading for maybe about a year or so. He thought I'd be really interested in it. I played sports in college and my brother said that trading in general is kind of like sports. When the bell goes off... 'boom'. Like throwing a touchdown pass in Michigan Stadium with a hundred thousand people cheering. Just that adrenaline rush, I mean it's insane. It's not a normal job. I mean it's not a normal job you're not getting a salary every two weeks. You don't have this health plan, you don't have your 401K. You have to do it yourself. When you've had a taste of the money you don't want to go back to being in the corporate world. I mean, I just couldn't see myself working for a firm and getting reamed on by a boss. Probably, Seriously, I'd probably tackle him or something. I'd be like, you know, 'Who are you? ' This is Credence Clear Water Revival, that's my acronym. This is my brother's first album The Endless Summer. And I got it for you know, colorful reasons. You've got your little groups. You've got your South Siders, Your North Siders you've got the Jewish click, you've got the Irish click. You've got the Italian click I'm Polish, I don't think we have a click. You've gotta mesh and mind your niche. There's a lot of uneducated people, which doesn't matter. The uneducated people have a tendency too to make good money. When you're in there from 8:30 to 3:15 it's all about money. One guy's misery is one guy's, you know, profit. Sad to say but that's true. Not that I take advantage of that. But maybe I would. FUTURES TRADING 101 By the middle of the nineteenth century Chicago was emerging as the transportation hub of America. Trade routs by rail and water converged on the city giving birth to its famous stock yards and slaughter houses. And a town hall market that would later become known as the world's first modern Futures exchange. On April 3rd, 1848, eighty three merchants founded the Chicago Board of Trade. Futures trading provided an opportunity for buyers and sellers to manage their risk against unpredictable price fluctuations. Too many cattle this year? The beef prices are low. Drought in the Midwest, the corn prices go higher. If both the buyer and seller can agree on a price ahead of time we call this a Futures contract. This agreement allows them the opportunity to protect themselves against paying to much or selling for too little. So who are all these guys yelling and screaming and what are they doing? As the exchange grew in popularity, at times there'd be more sellers than buyers. Or a demand with no one there to meet it. Entrepreneurs saw an opportunity to take advantage of this imbalance. Working in the middle as both buyer and seller. This allowed them to profit by speculating with their own money while filling a vital need for market liquidity. Or the ease with which goods can be bought or sold in the marketplace. These early speculators became know as Local traders. As their roll expanded over time they became major players on the trading floor. In 1981 the Chicago exchanges introduced: Metals, Energy Currencies, Bonds and Stock Indexes. Attracting more interest than ever before. Soon calls were coming in from all over the world. The modern Local trader might trade hundreds if not thousands of contracts in a single day. Often getting in and out of trades in seconds. Each time risking their own money in the hopes of profiting as they hold their own against the expanding market! Eighty bid! Eighty bid! Eighty bid! Eighty. Thirty on two! Thirty on two! It was a live auction where the price of the commodity you were trading was determined by who would pay the highest and who would sell it at the lowest price. When I would pay five and someone else would be willing to sell it at five we would have a match. We would acknowledge it Check it in the pit by saying 'I bought so many contracts from you at this price.' and then we'd write it on our cards. We'd end up handing in our cards to our clerks and the clerks would take it to our clearing house. Yellow coats were designated for clerks. Other than that, all the different colors and different designs that you see down there was to make you stand out among the crowd. There were guys that had checkered jackets, red white and blue jackets. Anything that made you stand out in your area of the pit, because you needed to be seen. It's a misunderstanding that traders manipulate the price, That they're responsible for prices going up or down. It's completely false. The supply and demand drives that. If there's too little supply and demand is high, well prices are going up. If there's too much supply and demand is flat, prices are going down. The traders are just in the middle all they're doing is catching something for a tenth of a penny and passing it on hundreds or thousands of times a day. It's actually funny because when you first come down here it's overwhelming, you can't figure anything out. And quickly you kind of discover that guy's a broker, he's an order filler, he's a big trader. All of a sudden people take on this personality so you get an idea of what's happening. Well then you get some confidence and some arrogance and you decide that you're gona do this because you've been practicing and you think you can do it. Well that's really when the learning starts. Because that's when you realize how incredibly complex and often times scary and difficult and hard it is. These guys are professionals, every one of them. Many traders trade with their own money Each and every day to go in there and trade with your own rent money, not knowing whether you're gona make money or not is terrifying to a lot of people and I found it to be very, very scary. I don't have any clients I don't have any customers. It dawns on you, Nobody trusts you to do what you do except your family. And so in a lot of ways I'm a hedge fund manager of my own family's worth. Money. And they trust me not to fuck up. The nature of trading is buying for one price and trying to sell it at a better price. Period. You get in there and you make your first trade. You know, if you get whacked ten times in a row you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and you do it again. We started at seven twenty, by seven thirty we were dripping of sweat. Fortunes had been made and lost in the first ten minutes. Everybody had their ups and downs. I had bigger swings clue to the size I traded. It really depends on how much you put on. A five tick day, a five tick day- a five move from one to six. You could make millions of dollars depending on how much you put on. One hundred lot, if you put a hundred lot on in the Eurodollars it's worth twenty five hundred dollars. O.K. There are guys that have two thousand lots on. So you're talking about two hundred thousand dollars a move. One tick. So it moves five ticks, you're up a million dollars. It goes five ticks against you, you're down a million dollars. If you traded a few contracts at a time, your risk was limited. If you went and took on the market and bought everything available, your risk was enormous. There were traders that went into the pit everyday and risked a house. You know it wasn't unusual for guys to be making twenty, thirty grand a day. It wasn't unusual for for them to be losing ten, twenty, fifty thousand a day. And a lot of times you did that on one trade. Whether people like to admit it or not this is a form of gambling. How is it not? If you buy a stock, you're buying the idea that that stock's going up. Fight? K mean 'chats That's what we do, and options are the same way. I mean, there is a gambling mentality to what we do down there. It's gambling to go down there every day because you are risking something. But the rewards were phenominal If you took the biggest risk, You're either going to get crushed Or you're gona be the happiest man on campus this afternoon. I think somebody once said that floor trading offered blue collar guys a chance to get in with the big boys. Commodity trading only has two purposes: 1) to make a lot of money; 2) to manage a lot of money. And the faster you make big money, the faster you can do things with your life, and I think that's what it's allowed me to do. The numbers for successful guys are fleeting because you're only as good as your last trade. It's what you don't lose. It really is. I mean, there's been guys who have made more money than me, but for some reason or another they've - it was taken away. And so, I think the more successful trader is a guy who can keep it for, you know, to the tenth or to the ninth race. The good traders know when to make money and leave. I tell you. I went to work every day, and when I wasn't at work, I was a miserable human being. I mean, without a doubt I wanted to be back at work because I knew how much money you could make. And so when I go away on vacation, it didn't matter what I spent because I knew I was losing more not being at work, and then - so they said, "But you could be losing money," and I go, "You know, you never think of it that way. Everything can be traced to being around the best traders in the free world. I would watch these guys trade in my pit, and I would say, "If they're buying, I'm buying. If they're selling, I'm selling." But I also wanted to see, it was important to me, how they handled a loser. It's not what you make, it's what you don't lose that determines how much money you have at the end of the year. I would watch these bigger and I'd go, how would they handle this stress of having a losing trade? What do they do when they had a losing trade? I literally just learned by watching the most successful people in the world. Certainly, the numbers that come out of these places, how much money people make, can be staggering. Yeah, my assistant, who's pretty junior, she makes a little bit more than my brother does. My brother's a cardiac anesthesiologist. My assistant is three years out of college and likes to drink beer. You had a bunch of young kids making more money than they knew what to do with, and they found things to do with it. Such as? You know, I mean, anything that you can think of that you can abuse yourself with. That was part of the lifestyle. There were five guys that rented a bus to take them to Michigan, golfing. They hired a couple of girls to go on the bus with them, and by the time we get we it wasn't me I want that out! My primary over-the-counter customer base was made up of traders. They're fun guys. They're just fun to be around, and they're also they're nuts. They're crazy. I had a customer who I rang him up and it was $172. He said, "What kind of number is that, $172? Make it $100 or $200, one or two, one or two." I said, "Well, which should I make it?" And he said, "I don't know. Let's flip a coin." So I flipped the coin, he called it, he lost $200. We did this every time he came in for three years. He never won. We had customers flipping coins. He wanted to inspect coins. He never won, every time it was like two or three. I'd just say, "What do you want to make the spread?" He would do that. He never won. Every time he would over pay, he'd take the money out of his pockets, slam it on the counter and leave. Loved the game, Loved the game. Joey called me and said he wanted me to deliver some cigars over to the pit and that he'd meet me there, he told me to bring a hundred, so I went over there and he met me, and brought me onto the floor. And I knew a lot of the guys because I was doing business with them. And some guys across the pit were like going like this to me, and so Joe said, "They want a cigar. Throw a cigar to them." So I reach in the box and I throw a cigar across the pit, and the guys were reaching up and grabbing the cigars. So I threw them everywhere. I was just throwing cigars all the way across the pit whoever it is that's responsible for security in the pit or whatever it is, came up to me, and as he approached me he said, "I'm the guy who's supposed to throw you out of here," he said, "but I'm not going to. Can I have a cigar?" ou know, every afternoon, when the Bond would close, we would all prepare for it. It's like, okay, the Bond close is hitting. When you watch those guys coming off the floor - I mean, you could see their moods. You could tell good days, bad days. You know, like, life-changing days, we saw those days. But it was palpable. I mean, this was not like 5:00 and everybody punches out and walks out of the office. Every time you make money trading it's like applause, but only you hear it because everybody else in that pit is rooting against you. You're competing next to folks for every single trade, and the fastest person - whoever says "buy 'em" whoever says that first gets the trade. And you know your neighbor sitting right here next to you needs them as bad as you need them. He needs to make his mortgage payment. He needs to put the kids through school, but you're gonna bury him, you'll tear out his liver because you heard that broker say 'sold' and that guy right there next to ya, he needs them, and you just said, "Buy them." And he said, "How many did I get?" And you're like, "None." A good friend of mine said long ago, he said, "If you wanna friend, get a dog. You don't have friends in the pit." Most of the people can set aside their differences outside of business, but sometimes when the all mighty dollar gets involved, people don't care. I've seen guys yell and scream and nasty things ungodly things. That's what helps them trade. Yeah, and they probably don't like you anyway. True, that's true. They probably truly don't like you. There's no doubt about that. If they had a chance to, they would hit you if they could. There will be fights in the pits. No one's proud of that, but you will see people go at it. There was a lot of fighting over who did the trade. Did you do it, or did the guy next to you trade with me? One guy thought that he made the market, someone took his trade, finally, the guy lost his cool, ran over, and bit the guy in the nose. I was just under 6 foot 3 and weighed 255 pounds, and I had little guys that would come up and berate me. Guys would literally look at you and say, "You're a fucking idiot. I can't believe you'd do that fucking trade." You'd look at them and go, "You gotta be kidding me. First of all, it was a good trade, that's why you're mad. And second of all, shut up." And I think the guys that wanna strangle you after every trade, you kinda enjoy that, and you wanna do that again and again because that means you're doing something right. That was the famous line on Chicago was, "You wanna meet out by the horse" because we have this great big horse statue that sits out front, and that's where everybody would - if they would actually go down, they would have a group of hundreds following them. I look at him, he looks at me. He goes, "Yeah, let's go fuckin' outside." So we're walking out, and the motherfucker turns around and cracks me right in the fuckin' face hard. I go, "A real fuckin' fight, huh?" So he swings at me again, and I duck, and his hands go through the fuckin' window, and the blood is spurting out like a geyser. And he goes, "Mike, take me to the hospital." And I look at him and I go, "I think it's fuckin' too late." A lot of us have come from no education backgrounds really, other than high school. We all started trading young. Nobody knew anything. I made, like, $2.5 million dollars in five days of trading. It's a pure business and theory, but when there's so much money and things like that laying around, you actually see what somebody's really like. You either go in there and try to be somewhat pure, and that's who I think I am, a pure trader, but I love the trading, but I hate the people. These are fun. This thing's on rollers. So you know you're twisted when you do shit like this. You got problems. They're so big; you can't believe it until you come up to them and see how big an animal it is. They think, Oh, you know it's a giraffe. These things are - everything's dangerous in Africa everything because everything's used to being eaten. When I go there, there's always stories of somebody dying or getting murdered by some animal, all the time. See, they give you a list of - they call it a menu. It's got animals on it, and next to it are price tags, so you look at something - it's like when you go out, and you say, "Okay, there's two grand, there's a thousand," as you shoot something. Like we scope our rifles in on baboons because they're only 50 bucks. Lion hunt was a rip off. It's like the fucker - they let the thing out of the fuckin' cage and I shot it. That's the feeling I had. You know, it wasn't right. With the rhino it was the complete opposite. It was the last time I was happy, when I got charged by that rhino. Yeah, it's just not any fun, unless you can die. But you need the heavy caliber for those big animals. Oh, it's such a gas shooting this thing. Wesltey Richards. Ah! Fun. The beauty of hunting is that it doesn't involve the Merc. It doesn't involve my partners. It's just me and something that wants to get away from me. In this business you have to be a street kid and a business person because there's too much money involved. Twenty-five years of trading, it is really a living hell if you're not one of them. And I've never been one of them. It's the whole power of 150 years of the future's industry in Chicago, which is where it started. It's always been the broker. The broker is the one who has the orders that come in from all outside customers. If you're in with that guy, you can count on making a living everyday of your life. It's a game. You know, it's who you know, who you grew up with, who you married, who's your friend. All that shit. I would've been way more successful, way more, I couldn't even tell ya, if I could bite my tongue and learn to play the game a little more. Like dress like this everyday when I'm in my 20s. Fuck. I was a fucked-up little jag-off. Ah, fuck, look at this. Motherfuckers. The beauty of trading, when it's really going, it's a rhythm. You're just doing your thing. Problem is when it slows down sometimes, you start thinking. Thinking why I should do this trade. Why I should buy these. Why I should sell that. And anytime, anybody thinks, you're usually pretty fucked. I call the market a big whore. The market is a whore. It's out to fuck as many people as it can. That's its job. It may not go against you fast at first, so you'll take a little heat, because it'll go against you a little bit. And then all of a sudden it goes a little more and a little more, and you kind of get in a - it feels like in a hypnotism sort of thing, where you get caught in this downward spiral. You know it's a loser, you've confirmed that it's a loser. You're sitting there with the prices going further and further against you and it just feels like, almost like sometimes you can't get out. Let's say you're down like $12,000, and you're like, "I should walk out of here." I should realize, you know, "I'm past my limit and walk outta here." What's the next thing you do? You're like well what the hell? I'll just, you know, I'll buy a couple more." And then wham! It goes again. And the only thing that goes through your head is like, "All right, how much am I losing right now? There goes a car. There goes a house." It's like someone hitting you in the balls, never ending. It's like, wham! Wham! It's like, okay! Nobody can get you down the amount of money that you're going to be down a day, only you can do that. And it's funny when you see something happen to somebody else. It's very, very public. And so, those guys that saw you lose money will probably, you know, twist that knife in your side, and say, "Boy, they looked pretty good an hour ago, didn't they Pete?" It's a vindictive crowd, it really is. There's a joke that we always used to say when you go on the floor. You've got the scan card. You've got to scan you're way in. Well if you scan it, and you look down and the light's red, and the guy behind you's like, "Ooh. Bad day yesterday?" Or, "How you looking there?" You're like, "oh no, it's good." e II You're lik , Come on! come on", Then it goes green, and you're like, "All right, Yes! I'm alive for another day." There were a lot of times when the markets got very volatile that you wouldn't see a guy the next day. And you knew he lost what he could lose. Valentine's Day, 1994. I had a little position on in the Yen. The Japanese and the Americans were trying to make a trade deal. And they kept extending the deadline, and finally they said, "There's not going to be a deal." So when we walked in on that Monday, our market was limit-up. So that position immediately was like $40,000 against me. And it was rallying. It's $1000 a point. So every time it rallied one point higher, I lost another $1000. Well, it rallied 100 points. It was a $150,000. It was pretty crushing, you know. The feeling of despair where, "Oh my God, I've lost everything." We had basically moved back in with my parents. Ready? Tee No. 1. I think we should walk over this way. So I went out, and I got a job as a clerk making, you know, $400 a week. At one point, my wife was drunk, you know, and she said, "You're nothing but a fucking clerk!" I think she really expected bigger and better things. Okay, I'll play that one. What's really nice is when the weather's a little warmer, but it's too cold for everybody else. You get the whole course to yourself. When the split came, it was pretty devastating for me. I hugged my kids. That kind of kept me going. Marcus was my mirror image. On the calendar he was closing in on 30, but in many ways, he was still 22. - I got it. Help me. - You can make it. Get up! Get up! Good. Go, go, go! Get that! Get up! That's it. Nice play. Marcus, I'm a little worried about Saunders. He's hitting a lot better with Kovak setting up. - No problem. I got him covered. - I'm serious. I'm worried. Don't be. It just causes wrinkles. Thank you. Marcus? It's not a Ferrari, but what is? Hey, wait a second. Lifeguards, even senior guards, don't drive... - Come on. Whose car is it, Marcus? - Hard work and thrift, partner. I'm on a bounty system. Cash bonus for everyone I pull out of the surf. - Come on, Marcus. - I gotta go. I got that appointment. I'll see you at the tournament. Remember... No pressure. Right. When I write my book on how to be a world-class private investigator, I'm going to include a chapter on listening to your little voice. Everyone has one and mine told me to stop Marcus and find out the real story behind his new car. Of course, I didn't. And that's another chapter - Things I Should Have Done But Didn't. - Hello. - Thomas. Rick. Rick? It's five in the morning. You're in trouble, huh? I'm not in trouble. Listen. Then what are you waking me up for? I got a big tournament tomorrow. I gotta get some rest. Thomas, it's bad news. Oh, yeah. I know. Your friend Marcus. You'd better get down to Sandy Beach right away. Apparently he was out for a midnight swim. Got caught in a tide. It pulled him around the reef. - Crashed his body against the rock. - He's a lifeguard. - Listen, you know as well as me... - He couldn't have drowned. - Always possible. It's a mistake. - He's too good an athlete. That's why we need a positive identification. - This way. - Marcus! - Nancy. - Marcus! No! No! No! - Magnum. - Wait a minute. OK? - Just wait here. Please. - OK. Nancy was Marcus's kid sister. She came out here three years ago from Illinois to find some excitement. She wanted to be a tour guide. You know, see the islands and get paid for it. I don't want to talk about him or think about him or remember him again. He was a 30-year-old teenager that never grew up. I don't know. I thought he was starting to and then he pulls this stunt on me and dies. Nancy. That's just it. He didn't do anything. I don't think it was an accident. I don't want to hear about it. Just stay away from me. Let this be. He's your brother, for God's sakes. You can't just walk away. Why not? He's dead, isn't he? Leave me alone. Leave him alone. - Isn't his death enough? - No, it's not. You don't think so either. Marcus was more than my brother. He was my best friend. When I came out from Illinois, he got me an apartment. Thomas, he was so beautiful. That's what I want to remember. Please. I was never any good at funerals. When they buried Marcus, I said goodbye to him my own way, where we'd spent our friendship, at the beach. But before his face and name became part of my memory, there was one more thing I had to do. That was listen to my little voice. This time. It was talking about Marcus's new car. He never had two nickels to rub together, but the day after he showed up with it, they pulled his body off the reef. - What are you doing? - Shh. - You leave me alone. - It's OK. No, it's not. Don't touch me. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you. Yeah, great. So you say. Who are you, anyway? My name's Thomas Magnum. I'm... I was a friend of Marcus's and I'm also a private investigator. OK. My name's Daisy Spencer. I just got off a plane from Cincinnati, Ohio. I was Marcus's fiancée. If you're such a great friend, how come he never mentioned your name? I could ask you the same question. Look, we just played volleyball together. He was my partner. - I just thought that... - How much? What? - Oh, no, I'm not on this case. - I'd be happy to pay for your services. No, it's not the issue. It's just... Look, Miss Spencer... I wouldn't hesitate if there was any real evidence, anything tangible that would indicate his drowning wasn't accidental. Marcus was a strong, almost world-class swimmer. - I know that. - Clear skies, calm sea, no unusual tides. The first thing I did after his father called me and broke the news was phone the police. - They told me that they... - Fine. Fine. What they didn't tell you is his sister Nancy is one of the loveliest and most gentle girls I've ever met. And his death really tore her apart. I'll be damned if I'm gonna open things up and hurt her unnecessarily because of your long-distance logic. Besides, the police think the coroner's report is going to be accidental death. They don't even have an active investigation. Then what are you doing here? It was not my best afternoon ever. Marcus's fiancée had hit me in the spot already rubbed raw by Nancy. What I wanted was a long swim in the tidal pool followed by a steak and an exceptional bottle of wine. - What I got instead was... - Magnum. One moment, please, if you don't mind. You know those tide charts you mentioned you needed? I dropped by the Office of Oceanographic Affairs during my lunch hour and had the currents specially marked. - You did? - Of course. Chums enjoy doing favors for one another. - Chums? - Of course. - Will you stop that? - What? That awful smiling. You're up to something. Some kind of a trick. Actually, I'm in the rare position of having to ask a favor of you. - An insignificant one, of course. - What is it, Higgins? The Aloha historical Society has named me its first non-native chairman for the preservation of structures of significant architectural value. As a fundraiser for the next three weekends, with Mr. Masters' permission, the Society will sell tours of the grounds. Here? At the estate? A bunch of little old ladies with blue hair running around... Ladies of old families, gently reared and bred, concepts I realize are totally alien to a man of your obvious, vulgar tastes. Eating cucumber sandwiches and wearing those funny 30-year-old suits, and no make-up. Obviously a modicum of sensitivity, a certain decorum while they're about, is impossible to expect from you and your friends. Therefore my request is that you absent yourself from the grounds from sunrise Saturday to sunset on Sunday. What? Wait a minute. This is my home too, remember. - You won't do me the favor? - Absolutely not. How depressingly short-sighted of you. I thought you'd see the wisdom of this because in return for this insignificant... Insignificant? You call moving out for three weekends insignificant? Certain past indiscretions. Various incriminating lapses noted in my log. Higgins, there is nothing that you can tell Robin that he doesn't already know, that we haven't laughed about. The potato chip heiress from Buffalo who filled the tidal pool with... A little misunderstanding, Higgins. After it was drained... Then there was the Romanian mime troupe who... Eugh. You're not gonna bring that up. You were here when the paramedics arrived. I will take note of your panic and those guilt-crazed eyes as assent to my favor, - albeit with the slightest reluctance. - Wait a minute! This isn't a favor, it's extortion and blackmail. It's a gentlemen's agreement, though under the circumstances the term is misused. Wait a minute, Higgins. We can talk about this. We can... Good day, chum. We can talk about this. Aaah! Ow! - What? - Never mind. I'll call back. Rick, no. I'm sorry. What have you got? I got the skinny on Marcus's car. It was leased by Chase Shipping. - You got an address? - Grab a pencil. The address Rick came up with was a big white house in Kahala, complete with the Bentley and the same elegant blonde I'd seen outside the club the last day I saw Marcus alive. What are you doing? I thought you weren't investigating this case. - I'm not. - Oh? - So why are you so interested in that car? - None of your business. - Now, if you'll excuse me. - I won't excuse you. Because I'm a detective undercover for the honolulu Police. You're interfering in an official investigation. So the little rich girl from Cincinnati turned out to be an undercover cop complete with badge and a subtle threat of making my life miserable if I didn't cooperate with the Department. Although I was still upset about being lied to, I was, of course, too professional to let it show. Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? That's undercover detective. until you started working on the case, how did I know you weren't one of the killers? - Then the police think it's murder. - It's a theory. Call me Tracy. As long as we're working on the same case... We're not both working on the case. We're... On the trail of the prime suspect. - No, thank you. - Oh, thank you. - Thank you. - That's two dollars, please. - AII I have is a five. - Thank you. Don't look so worried. There's nothing to be concerned about. Her husband's in Vancouver. Besides, I kind of enjoy this. That's because your menu doesn't have prices on it. Not that I mind dining out in a nice restaurant. It's just that... Lately I've been putting a lot of money back into my business. Well, look. When you're stalking big game, you've got to go into the jungle. - Take my hand. - What? Take my hand. It's supposed to be a date, not Indian wrestling. Now smile into my eyes. - What? - Now laugh. Because her friend is going to the powder room. I'll just make sure that she doesn't come right back. It's called division of labor. - Miss Chase? - Yes? My name's Thomas Magnum. We have a mutual friend. May I join you? I already have a luncheon companion. I believe you do too. Well... Our mutual friend is dead. I was trying to find out why. I was just hoping you could help me out. - You're being very rude, Mr. Magnum. - Is that a major offense with you? If it is, what would you consider murder? Are you a policeman? Much worse. I'm a private investigator. And why do you think this young man was murdered? That's not the question. The question is why was this young man driving an expensive sports car leased for you by your husband's company? You're so intense. I wish I had some sinister answer for you. But the truth is that he worked for my husband and me as a part-time house boy, bartending at our parties. He had to pick up supplies and his car broke down so I loaned him that one. If you wish, you can ask my husband. He can tell you everything you want to know about the young man. Marcus. He wasn't "the young man". He had a name. You know, you were wrong. Rudeness isn't a crime. It's just a terrible bore. Good day. I'll just drop you off at your car, and then we're gonna call it quits, right? OK? The Department will reimburse me for dinner and the breakfast, right? - Wrong. - What? The Department's interested in that little black book you lifted from Marcus's drawer. - You saw... - Mm-hm. Now turn around. We're going to your house. - Now look... - Because if you don't, I'm going to impound it as evidence. Turn left. Now wait a minute. If you think I'm gonna... I say, Magnum. As usual, your timing couldn't be worse. I assumed you'd be freeloading at the club all day so I scheduled my first committee luncheon. Now it could most delicately be described as a compromising situation. Don't get excited. In 15 minutes, ten if I'm lucky, she will be out of here. Tracy Spencer, honolulu Police Department. Are you, by chance, the Jonathan Quayle Higgins? I find that appellation a bit pretentious, but yes, I am. Well, you're far too modest. We're quite familiar with your outstanding record with the Prince of Wales' Own West Yorkshire Regiment. As a matter of fact, I have a private theory of my own, one which I haven't shared with the other members of the detective bureau... - Oh, brother. - Magnum, please. Let this young lady continue. As a matter of fact, I often wonder how a man of Magnum's limited background has been able to crack so many difficult cases. You're not alone, Miss Spencer, I can assure you. Tracy. until I learned that he was a guest at this estate. You must be his mentor. I? Involved in Magnum's sordid divorce cases? The keen eye, the cool head, the Renaissance mind could only come from a man with your impeccable background and taste. Confess. Am I right? I suppose modestly, from time to time, I do help out a bit, yes. Enough. If you want to look at the book, you gotta do it right now. Lovely to meet you. official business. "Renaissance mind." "cool head." Cream? A little PR never hurt. Please. You know a lady named Rose? No. What's her address? Somewhere near the Chinese cultural Center. No number. There you are. Are you trying to horn in on my investigation? Your investigation? I most certainly am not. Good. Because civilians only muck up this kind of investigation so don't even... "Muck up"? Look, Tracy, or whatever your name happens to be at this particular moment, I am a professional. I happen to get paid... lots, lots of money, to solve cases just like this one. So you wanna make a deal? Work together? No deals. It's unusual, it's irregular, and I'm only willing to cooperate because you'll just keep at it anyway. But if they find out about this down at headquarters, I'm in very big trouble. I already told you. No deals. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I should have stuck with no deals. But two heads were better than one. And besides, the experience and streetwise acumen of a police detective might come in handy. Sure, I know him. But his name isn't Marcus. It's Sean. He worked down here? Are you sure? A guy who looked like that? I'd remember. Every time he said hello, my brain turned to tapioca. Kinda like now. Did he sell aloha shirts, or maps? Oh, no. He was a class act. Nothing but top-grade merchandise. Good watches. Great little tape-players. - You could tell he was quality. - Do you know where he got the stuff? Down here, mister, you don't ask questions. - You're not a cop, are you? - No, I'm just a friend. Marcus... Sean... turned up dead in the ocean. I think somebody killed him. Oh, damn. Listen. Thanks. Hey, friend of Sean. One thing, one funny thing about Sean. By the end of the day, he'd have a real wad of money. - Yeah? - He was never nervous about carrying it. Around this neighborhood, a bankroll can make you an instant neurotic. Unless you got some real protection. Sounds like his ran out too soon. I sure hope that doesn't happen to you. Excuse me, mister, but there seems to be a problem with your car. - What? - Maybe you better come with us. I'd be glad to. That car's very important to me. It should be. This is not where my car is parked. Girls, do you want to tell me what's going on? If this is a robbery, I got about eight bucks. Here. You want my watch? It cost about $17.95 at the... Come on! That's enough. I've never hit a woman before... Maybe it's about time you suddenly started, before it's too late. That's it. See, Rose doesn't like anybody snooping in this territory. - Do you understand? - Freeze! Police! Are you all right? Why didn't you pull your gun? Because it got stuck... in my make-up case. I mean this in the very best sort of way. Have you ever considered taking a self-defense course? - They were women. - That's my point. Poor thing. Aw! Oh, good, Magnum. You're here... Good Lord. Are you all right? - Oh, no, I'm fine. - Is she all right? Is she all right? Higgins, look at my body. I'm not blind, Magnum. I can see that you look like bloody hell. Actually, though, this is a minor beating compared to some you've taken. On a relative scale, it merely counts as a dusting up. I remember doing my first tour of duty in India. One of our lads ran afoul of a minor rajah. You can imagine the fiendish torture the creature... Higgins! Look, wait a second. What makes you think I was beat up? Anything could have happened. Besides, why do you always assume I lost the fight? - Ha-ha. - I was just about to depart. My committee on historical preservation is viewing a wonderful neoclassicaI house - on the other side of the island. - Congratulations. Have a terrific trip. I had planned to stay away for several days. But now, of course, I could never abandon my duty here. I can manage. I've got all the instructions from the hospital emergency room. I was referring, of course, to the lads. Magnum is in no condition to take care of them. Higgins, go. Just go! I will watch the lads. I'll cube their sirloin. - I'll even pick up their... - Magnum. With that assurance, I'll depart. By the by... Even though you're with the police, you aren't, by any chance, a client of Magnum's? No! Absolutely not. Good. Tell me, does it still hurt? Everything hurts. - Higgins, don't come in here again. - Thomas, it's us. - Higgins left already. - He sure was laughing about something. Where's that tennis racquet you never returned? - Whoa! - We've got a date with two... You look awful. Did you get beat up again? I bet it was some big dudes. About 6'6" and maybe 250 pounds. - Listen... - I bet they had big guns too, huh? I bet they're sorry they messed with T. M. Guys, can we talk about this later? What have you got for me? "What have you got for me?" That's all you and I are good for anymore. And we're always the ones sticking our neck out for him and... Eugh. Doing all the dirty work. Guys, I'm the guy who got beat up this time. - That's right. - I guess you got a point. We went to the agent that leased Marcus's car. We said we wanted to buy it and he let us take it for a test ride. Oh-ho-ho! - Sounds dangerous. - It is. It's got five on the floor, - positraction rear end, full race cam... - Rick! OK. Here. We found this in the glove compartment. Thank you. It's a parking stub from Rose's discount warehouse. Marcus was involved with her. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Up, up. Up. Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? We're gonna go find those girls who beat him up. Girls? Now, Thomas... Just remember, you won't help anything by being rough and vindictive. Don't worry. I'm a professional. Hi there. Come here. Come on. I want some answers, starting with who is this woman Rose you're working for? - Magnum. - What? - Magnum. - What? I hope you're looking for Rose for a polite reason. Because you just found him for sure, sweetheart. My pal Marcus told me what you were up to. Now that he's unavailable, I figured to move in on your action. - Who's the chick? - Her? Nobody. She's just my bimbo. And he's just my big hunk of man. So what's this action you think you can take over? Marcus was selling hot goods on the street. Except they weren't so hot because you laundered them. It's second-hand news. Your game is lame, lady. So what makes you think I'd take you in? I can get my own merchandise. It's easier to take me in than fight me for the territory. What kind of merchandise are we talking about? Top-of-the-line stuff. The best. It better be. Cos I'd get real upset if I thought I was being scammed. - You got that, sweetheart? - Trust me. Trust him. Hey, guys. I got the microwave. T.C., give me a hand with this speaker. Thanks. You've had some crazy ideas but this has got to be the craziest. That truck we're using belongs to Ice Pick. I told him we were moving my aunt. Guys, this is shrewd detective work. Every angle has been figured. Tracy's even getting the serial numbers so we can prove the goods are ours. If this is so foolproof, why aren't we taking stuff from your place? That's obvious. I promised Rose top quality and I'm not materialistic. I have just not spent my money acquiring things, that's all. What is Higgie baby gonna say about all this? Higgins? If he were here, he'd be helping us. He did seem like an extremely generous man to me. This chick is a detective? Ice Pick can get terrific Tank watches. You can't tell it from the real thing. So if you're looking for a... Just a suggestion. I'm just trying to help. Are we almost finished? I don't want to be late. This operation has to be synchronized. Let me get the stereo stuff from upstairs. Hey! Come on, guys. This is gonna be a snap. I know what you're thinking again, but this time you're absolutely wrong. It was one of the sweetest plans ever. I'd catch Marcus's killer, Tracy would be out of my life, and the best part of all was that we were absolutely safe because I was relying on human nature - greed. - Oh, no. - Well, what have we got here? Hi. Ripping us off? That's right. OK. Now's the time. Call in the backups. Go ahead. Call them on your wrist radio or whatever you use nowadays. - I can't. - What? Why? Because I'm not a detective. I'm a meter maid. Come to Rose, sweetheart. Come on. Listen, I can explain. Don't bother. - Please! - I won't believe you. But I want to explain. I need to explain. Who cares? Tracy, I've been lied to, conned, humiliated and almost killed. - Ditto. - And aloha. - Next time you need us... - Just include us out. I don't want to hear it. - But... - Not one single word. Please. Just listen. Thomas. Tho... Tho... Look... My father was a police captain in Cincinnati. My mother died when I was eight. I grew up with 27 uncles, the cops in my dad's precinct. I was the only girl to go to her graduation with a full motorcycle escort. So far I like it better than the story about being Marcus's fiancée, but not much. AII I ever wanted to be was a detective like Dad. So I came out here to make it on my own, only I can't get on the detective squad. I can't even get a patroI-person job. They say it's cos of my bad eyes. Oh, no. They're just being kind. But if that's the case, why don't you move back to Cincinnati? Maybe the letters are bigger on the eye charts there. Don't make fun of me! It was hard enough to get on the traffic patrol out here. Which is almost like being a real cop. Only we don't carry guns. And on my own time I respond to homicide calls because if I solve a big murder case they'll have to let me be a real cop. You don't know the marginal cases I've spent time on, praying it turned out to be a murder. - That's the truth. - Tracy. You wouldn't know the truth if it came at you in a head-on collision. Tom, look. You've just got to help me. Because I'm using my vacation time to crack this case and I gave myself until I was 30 to become a policewoman, then I gave myself until I was 31 and my birthday's in two days and I can't go back a failure so you're my absolute desperate last chance. Besides... Couldn't we just try once more? Then I promise I won't ask again. Why? Why would I do a crazy thing like that? Because underneath that tough-guy facade, you've got a heart of gold. Because you couldn't say no to a woman in trouble, no matter what. - No. - Because you... - What did you say? - I said no. N - O. No! And if you think that's gonna work, you're crazy. Now I want you to take that truck back and then get out of my life, forever. - Go on! - Is that your final decision? - Yes! - Are you sure? - Yes! - Are you absolutely positive? Yes! I still know what you're thinking. I was a little hard on her. But she deserved it, even though she called and promised to pay for the TV. She said she'd send $20 every month to Higgins to cover it. I told her not to bother. But something else was bothering me. My little voice. It was telling me there was one more thing I could try. Sometimes a single look says a thousand words. That morning outside the club, Marcus and Margaret Chase exchanged a look that said a lot more than "Have a nice day." I thought nothing of it then, but when you run out of the obvious leads, your mind has a tendency to create its own. The inside of the house was cool and very proper, like Mrs. Chase herself. Maybe because I'm a private investigator, I always get uneasy around people and places like that, and start looking for anything that's not quite so perfect. It seems there's always something. Oliver? Oliver, I thought you weren't due back till... Friday. - It's not Oliver. - Well, that's obvious. And what you have in your hand is very private. Murder's never private. - Give it to me. - I'll trade you. For what? I suppose you want money too. No. Just the truth. Was someone blackmailing you? No. - Marcus was your lover. - No. - Someone found out and demanded a payoff? - No. And you wouldn't pay so he was killed. Will you stop it? What do you want? I want to believe that you're worth dying for. Marcus did. In many ways, Marcus was like a little boy. Wanted to be my hero. - You were right about the blackmail. - Rose. Yeah. Marcus was working for Rose because he thought if he had money I'd leave Oliver. He didn't know that being poor wasn't what I was afraid of. I never imagined that he'd fall in love with me. Was it your husband? No. He never knew. He still doesn't, but I had to end it. So I told Marcus and he got furious. We were out on my boat. I took him there because I knew how impulsive he could be. I knew he'd go straight to Rose. It was the only fight we ever had. Margaret, who? Was it Rose? No, it was... I just never thought he'd do that. It wasn't murder. Then what do you call it? I'd call it quits, sweetheart. Hi, Rose. Hi, guys. - Cash and carry, Mrs. Chase? - No. - Come again? - No. No more. I am through paying. - Just leave. - Maybe you'd like to reconsider. - I don't think so. - No? You want to say goodbye to me? I'll go. You don't want to pay me no more? Don't pay. Come on, ladies. Except what about Oliver? Do you want to call him? Or should we wait until he reads about it in the papers? And then there's the trial. Are you ready for that, Mrs. Chase? Are you ready to pay the price? Or do you just want to keep on paying me? Bet you hated your fathers. Freeze! Freeze! Please? - Thanks for the game, guys. - Magnum. Magnum. I'm gonna buy you the tallest, coldest beer you ever had. Not that I'm trying to encourage your consumption of alcoholic beverages, but this is a celebration. They made you a police person? They actually... I don't believe it. The police actually... Well, it's more like actually sort of. My application is up for review, and what I need from you is an affidavit explaining how I cracked the case, how invaluable I was. - Invaluable? - We can talk about it after the beer. But just think about it. If I actually did eventually become a detective, we could be, like, two pros together. I mean, maybe even partners. Isn't that terrific? Isn't life fabulous? Oh! JUST THREE FRIENDS - Hey, everybody. - Hey, Sam. I think I found the answer to the robberies in this neighbourhood. - I'm gonna get an alarm. - This is better. This friend of mine has a gigantic attack dog. He's gotten so mean that he can't handle him. That would be perfect protection. Coach, maybe so, but where are we gonna keep a dog? I figured the office. It's vicious! - Get that dog the hell out of here. - How? I don't know. How did you get it in here? He was in a cage when he came in but he ate it. This is ridiculous. How will I use my office? In my profession, I've grown accustomed to dealing with bellicose canines. - Allow me. - What are you gonna do, mace him? That's much too cruel. I find, dealing with animals, it's better to be kind yet firm. - Sit! - He is sitting, Cliff. Nuke the beast, Sam. Gee, Sam. I'm so sorry. Get on the phone. I want the owner to get the dog out of here. - Hello, everyone. - Goody, Diane is here. This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend. Meet her this morning? That's Carla. She likes a little witty repartee, she's just not capable of it. And Heather, I want you to meet someone else, over here. - Coach Ernie Pantusso. - How do you do? Hi. Call me Coach or my other nickname. - What other nickname? - Satchmo. Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong. No, but I like that even better. - Can I get you something to drink? - Coffee, thank you. Now, down here are Cliff and Norman, two of our most regular regulars. - Hi. - Hiya. Pleased to do you. I mean, how do I meet me. - Forget it. - Smooth, Cliff. I hate her. I love this place. It's got a great feeling. Yeah, I knew you'd like it. Sam, I tried reaching the owner. No answer. - Thank you, Coach. - You can call me Louis Armstrong. That must be Sammykins. He is gorgeous, just as you described him. - Hey. - Hi. You didn't do justice to his cologne. And you wanted me to switch. See? Heather Landon, meet Sam "I reek, therefore I am" Malone. How do you do? Heather, I've heard Diane babble about you a lot. You grew up together, right? Practically. We were in grade school. Heather hasn't changed a bit. Must have been some grade school. She moved into town. Isn't that wonderful? I have to warn you. When we get together, we get a little goofy. I should have brought a big Goofy. I hear they're on sale. Cute and funny. I think you got lucky this time, Diane. Just like the rest of them. Hung up on looks, personality and style. Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade. We always got in trouble. Some of the things she got me to do! Remember the prank phone calls? This is the WTRM radio contest. For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P. Go ahead. Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac. No, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas. It's pathetic. I'll show you the place. Nice meeting you, Sam. Sorry Diane got to you first. I often regret there are so many women and only one of me. - Oh, boy. - What's wrong, Sam? - You're kidding. You didn't see that? - See what? - What are you talking about? - Guys, Diane's friend came on to me. - You're crazy. - You're with Diane. For her you're safe. Forget about that. I'm talking about vibrations. I know women. Diane's friend wants me. I know a thing or two. I've had experience of this sort of thing. - You, Norm? - Yeah. When I was dating Vera, her sister used to prance around wearing a bikini or flimsy little shorts or something. She used to sit on my lap. Whisper in my ear how sexy I was. So I did it. I asked her out. She turned me down flat. Vera know this? Yeah, Coach. She was there and she was really furious. I'm surprised she even married you. The ceremony was in progress. Wasn't much she could do about it. I know what you are talking about, but there's more going on here. - She seems like such a sweet kid. - Yeah. Just as every author has had to work among common people for material. Muscles! I think Sammy's on to something here. She's a vixen, undressing every man with her eyes. No wonder I felt such a chill. That's our little pub. Diane, she hasn't seen all of it yet. You didn't show her Sam's office. No, Carla! Just some of that witty repartee you love. That was a lousy thing to do. What the hell is that? It's an attack dog a friend of mine gave me. He's good. - Excellent. - Coach, get on the phone. - Diane, are you all right? - Yes. You trained me well. Listen, I've really got to be going. Oh, right. You and I and Sam will have dinner tonight. I'm going to cook. - Why? - Well, to celebrate. Now that Heather's living here I want us all to be good friends. And I have a special recipe to try. My own veal Oscar. That's the award you get if you can act like you like it. Heather, do you mind hanging on? I want to talk to Diane in private. Sure. I know what you're gonna do. I'll finish my coffee. OK. All right. - Sam, no answer yet. - Just keep trying. Look, sweetheart. Hey, hey, come on. Heather's OK, but I don't think we should hang out too much. - Why not? - I don't think the two of us hit it off. - You hit it off. She's nuts about you. - I bet she is. I didn't want to have to tell you this because you're pals. But she's coming on to me gangbusters. - Why do you look at me like that? - I can't believe you're saying this. I need help here. I don't have much experience saying no to women. The closest I've gotten is, "Not now, we're landing. " I'm just telling you this because I think you ought to keep us apart. - What? - This is staggering. Do you think every woman you see is attracted to you? I've had enough women come on to me to know when it's happening. Well, I guess there's only one way to convince you. - Heather? - Wait a minute. What are you doing? - I'm going to ask her. - No, don't do that. I'm sorry if it embarrasses you but it serves you right. Heather, I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I want to get it out of the way so we can proceed to a lasting friendship. Sam just now mistook your innocent flirtation for a sexual overture. Will you please explain to him your real feelings? Sam, I want you and I don't care who knows it. - What? - Gotcha! You're very attractive, but for me to give up my friendship, you'd have to be rich. - See you tonight for dinner. Bye. - See you later. No, ma'am, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas! - Let's call your mother now. - Get out of here! Whitey, whitey. You're making a mistake. What do you mean? That so-called friend of yours is hot for Sam. Everyone here is insane. Why would you think that? - Sam thinks it. - Not any more, he doesn't. I trust his first instincts. When it comes to dames, he's got an antenna that picks up things we miss. Dogs and cats know there's an earthquake coming. No one can explain. It's simple. There are cracks on the surface of... Your brain. Please, don't distract Diane from her suffering. Believe me, you're being dense. If Sam says she's hot for him, bank on it. It's ludicrous. The more I think about this, the more I'm looking forward to tonight. I've never had a woman who's just a friend. - This will be really good for me. - Tonight? Remember, you're cooking that Oscar Mayer thingy. veal Oscar. Sam, I've had second thoughts about that. Did you know that veal comes from baby cows? If you think I would take part in such a senseless slaughter... Open a can of beans. The important thing is getting to know Heather. I think just being friends with a sexy woman is a big step in my maturity. We've got to get into the office to get some stock. We're out of gin and the Kahlua martinis aren't moving. I don't think you should come to dinner when there's so much on your mind. - The dog and everything. - I'll take care of the dog now. I'm one step ahead of you, Sammy. Mix a little complimentary cocktail for the mutt. I got hold of the owner. He said booze calms him right down. - I hope the guy's thirsty. - Be careful. Oh, look at him. He's just a big puppy dog. You're a big doggie, yes, you are. There's only one problem. The owner said booze makes the dog amorous. - Yeah? Right. - Good boy. Yes. He's a good boy. Wait, not that good. Come on in, Heather. Something smells great. I thank you. Dinner's almost ready. Make yourself at home. - Well, what do you think? - About what? About this dress. I saw it and had to have it. Why did you buy a dress today of all days? You meet everybody, go out and get a come-get-me dress. Explain. I just saw it today. Of course. You did what anyone in your position would have done. - Diane, is everything all right? - Yes. - Are you sure? - Of course. Back to work. - I sure like Sam. - Slut. - What? - I said thanks a lot. You're welcome. Malone. One for dinner. - Do you have reservations? - Plenty, but I came anyway. - How are you doing? Here you go. - Nice. Thanks. - Hey, buddy. - Hey, Sam. How are you doing? I want to apologise for this afternoon. I was a little crazy. Here you go. I think the three of us are gonna be real good friends now. Yeah, I think so too. - Me too. Well, let's get to dinner. - What's the rush? The sooner we begin, the sooner we can finish. And then we can be finished. - Isn't friendship great? - Yeah. What's that saying about friends and lovers? Friends and lovers. Don't leave home without them. Very funny. You're ticklish. You are. You are. Oh, no. Please, please! Dinner time! You don't have to shout. We can hear you. Of course. Hunger makes me want to shout. Now, come on. Sorry I don't have place cards. We'll put Sam in the middle so we can share him. Excusez-moi. I think this is gonna be great. Just the three of us. Three good friends. - Like Quartos, Athos and Aramus. - There you go. I don't think Sam knows that reference. I may not read books, but I know good music. Supremes, right? - Fabulous. - Sometimes I surprise her. - I bet you do. - Here we go. Hope you didn't have spaghetti for lunch. - I thought we were having veal Oscar. - There are remnants in the sauce. I thought we weren't gonna do anything with veal. This sucker was already dead. - Well, it looks divine, Diane. - Thanks. Bon appetit. Remember the way we used to eat "pasghetti"? - No. - Like this. That was good. All right. Let me try. You got some sauce on your blouse there. Thanks for your discretion. This is wonderful spaghetti. And the pasta is cooked just perfectly. It's firm yet it yields to the bite. That's exactly the way it should be. Here. Take a bite off the end of this. - See? Perfect. - Try mine. Yours is good too. Boy. This garlic bread is magnificent. Here, have some of mine. - Hot, hot, hot. - You don't even have to chew it. You just set it in your mouth and it melts. Goodies, goodies. - You have a little sauce right there. - I don't wanna waste it. No, on the other side there. There we are. Come on! - Stop it right now. I mean it! - What? What? You know what. You know perfectly well what. Think I don't know what's going on? Spaghetti, sauce, bread. Have you no shame? - What the hell's the matter with you? - I know what that was all about. You think I don't know what noodles mean in sexual lingo? And sauce. I read my Freud. We were just enjoying the meal. Don't give me that. That meal's inedible. You're doing the same thing I did this afternoon and you called me nuts. No, Sam, it's all right. It's not surprising. I'm an outgoing person. People misinterpret it. - I'm just surprised it came from you. - Yeah. Me too. What am I saying? I must really be paranoid, mustn't I? It's happened to me before. It's happened to everyone. Heather... I'm so sorry. She didn't mean it, Heather. How can you be eating now? I've eaten through worse than this. - Goodbye. - Heather, where are you going? - You're not leaving, are you? - Paranoid or not, she's uncomfortable. Honestly, no. Our friendship is the most important friendship in my life. And I would never, never do anything to intentionally hurt it. Please forgive me and stay. Of course. I can't throw away 20 years. That's beautiful. You know, I just wanna thank you for letting me be part of this. - That was very sweet. - Sam. You are so sweet. Hey, well... English It is as I thought. How, sir? You say you saw someone in the corridor? No, only a candle on the floor. But you heard an odd laugh. You've heard that laugh before, I should think, or something like it. There is a woman who sews here, Grace Poole... she laughs in that way. She's a singular person, sir. You've guessed it. Grace Poole, she is, as you say, singular. Very. I shall reflect upon the matter. But, sir... Miss Eyre, you are the only person beside myself who knows the details of tonight's incident. You're no talking fool. You will say nothing. I will account for this state of affairs. Now, go to your own room. But you cannot sleep here, sir. I shall do very well on the library sofa. It must be nearly 4:00. In 2 hours, the servants will be up. Good night, then, sir. What? Are you quitting me already? And in that way? You said I might go, sir. At least shake hands. You've saved my life. I have a pleasure in owing you so immense a debt. There is no debt or obligation in the case, sir. Oh, I knew you would do me good in some way, at some time. I saw it in your eyes the first time I beheld you. And that expression and smile did not... did not strike delight to my very inmost heart so for nothing. Oh, my cherished preserver. Good night. Good night, sir. I am glad I happened to be awake. What, you will go? I am cold, sir. Cold. Yes. Go then, Jane, go. I think I hear Mrs. Fairfax move. Well, Jane, leave me. Good night, sir. What a to-do, what a to-do. Good morning, Mrs. Fairfax. Oh, a good morning, do you call it? Have you seen the master's room? He might have been burned to a cinder in his bed, and all for being careless with a candle. Oh, well, we shall have it to rights within the day, but there are so many things to be moved. I have Leah and John in there. I must call the rest of the servants. Jane, dear, take those and put them on the master's bed. Oh, I am so grateful he has gone. -Gone? For good? -Oh, dear me, no. No. He's only gone to a house party. He will be back. But I must get on. Oh, Jane, keep an eye on Leah and John. You know how they love to waste time gossiping. He's lucky he had his water jug full. I wonder he did it himself and waked nobody. Why, miss Jane, what do you make of all this? I was looking for Mr. Rochester. Has he been in? No, miss, but his horse is to be saddled, and he's riding over to the leas. Oh, thank you, John. Do you know, is he expected to return soon? I'm afraid not, Miss. Good morning, Miss. Good morning, Grace. It is a strange affair, is it not? I have been told what happened. Did Mr. Rochester wake no one? Did no one hear him move? The servants sleep too far off to hear, Miss. Mrs. Fairfax heard nothing. Elderly people often sleep heavy. But you sleep nearby, Miss, and I should say that being young you're a light sleeper. Did you not hear a noise? I did. At first I thought it was Pilot, but Pilot cannot laugh, and I'm certain I heard a laugh. A very strange one. Well, it's hardly likely master would laugh when he was in such danger. I should think, Miss, you must've been dreaming. I was not dreaming. You did not think of opening your door and going out into the gallery? Certainly not. I bolted my door. I have not done so before, but I shall in the future. It will be a wise thing to do. I have never heard of the hall being attempted by robbers, but there are hundreds of pounds worth of plate, and there are very few servants. I always think it best to err on the safe side. A deal of people, Miss, are for trusting all to providence, but I say providence blesses those that help themselves. Mrs. Poole, will you come down to the servants dinner? No. Just put my pint of porter and a bit of pudding on a tray, and I'll carry it upstairs. You'll have some meat? Oh, just a morsel and a taste of cheese. That's all, Maria. Mrs. Fairfax is looking for you, Miss, for dinner. Thank you. Mr. Rochester! what is it? Grace Poole, sir. She's in your bedroom, as bold as brass. Well? Well, why is she not in custody or at least dismissed? You as good as said she was guilty last night, sir. Why did you bind me to secrecy? Is that all? Has she some hold over you, sir? Miss Eyre, kindly confine your concerns to matters which are within your province. 10 days, and not a word from Mr. Rochester. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't go straight back to the continent and doesn't show his face in Thornfield for another year or more. -Would he not let you know? -No. He has often left as suddenly and without warning. Oh, the tray is not yet ready for you, Leah. No, ma'am, but here's a letter just come. Thank you. It is from the master. Well. Well, we are going to be busy now. -He is returning? -Indeed he is. And within 3 days, he is bringing a party of friends with him and the honorable Blanche Ingram. Good morning, ma'am. Welcome to Thornfield. -Welcome home, sir. -Thank you, Mrs. Fairfax. I have enjoyed the company of my only equal on horseback in the county. We've outpaced our friends by 5 minutes. I always adore this house. It is graced with an adorable guest. Rogers, who is that lady? That's the honorable Miss Blanche Ingram, Miss. Thank you. Let me show you to your room. Mrs. Fairfax will attend upon you until your servant arrives. Mais qu'elle est belle. She is very beautiful. -The carrages are ready, sir -Thank you, John. En avant, mes amis. They have a fine day for their excursion. And do not Mr. Rochester and Miss Blanche make a fine couple? He evidently prefers her to any of the other ladies. Oh, it is clear he admires her. Yes, it is. Ah, but you see, my dear, the gentry have more to consider than themselves. Marriage is a duty. It involves fortunes, family trees, the bringing together of estates. And there must come a time when any gentleman has to consider his duty. She is indeed beautiful. Oh, you will see her at her best this evening. I happened to mention to Mr. Rochester how much Adèle wished to be introduced to the ladies and he said, "let her come into the drawing room after dinner". Oh, she will be in ecstasies. And he said, "let Miss Eyre accompany her." Oh, no. He was only speaking out of politeness. I told him you were shy, and he said "tell her it is my wish" "If she resists, I shall come and fetch her". To speak truth, I did not greatly care for Mr. Rochester's guests. Most of them, Miss Ingram especially, seemed to me to be shallow, haughty, and contemptuous towards those not of their own station. Of course, you have a governess for her. Where is she now? Is she gone? Oh, no, there she is still. You should hear mama about the subject of governesses. I had a half a dozen at least, all either detestable or ridiculous. I used to quiz my governess but she was such a good creature. I might ransack her desk or upset her workbox. She would bear anything. I suppose we shall now have an abstract of the memoirs of all the governesses of all our families. May I play you something instead? Oh, do, please. Please do. How do you do? I am very well, sir. Why didn't you come and speak to me in the room? I did not wish to disturb you, as you seemed engaged, sir. Well, what have you been doing during my absence? Nothing particular. Teaching Adèle, as usual. You're looking a good deal paler than you were. -What's the matter? -Nothing is the matter, sir. Did you catch a cold that night you half-drowned me? Not the least, sir. Return to the drawing room. You're deserting too early. I am tired, sir. And a little depressed. What about? Tell me. I'm not depressed. But I affirm that you are. So much depressed that a few more words would bring tears to your eyes. If I had time, I'd know what all this means. Well. Tonight, I excuse you, but remember, so long as my visitors stay, I shall expect you in the drawing room every evening. It is my wish. Don't neglect it. Now go. Send Sophie for Adèle. Good night. One evening, a change of entertainment was proposed. They spoke of playing charades, but in my ignorance I did not understand the term. Oh, yes, a wedding. Why, it's a marriage. What a magnificent couple they make. Quite no. It can't be. Whatever can it be? Was not the second syllable "well," and does that not make the entire word "bridewell"... the london prison? Bravo! I got it. Excellent. I did enjoy it. My dear, come down. Let me help you down. Amy, that was quite exciting. And remember, Miss Ingram, you are now my wife. We were married just now in front of all these witnesses. I saw he was going to marry her for her family, rank, and connections. I was not jealous, or only rarely so, but I suffered an ever-torturing pain, for I knew he did not love her. He told us next day that he had been summoned to Millcote on business and would not be back till late. That same afternoon, a stranger arrived at Thornfield. It appears I arrive at an inopportune time, madam, when my friend Mr. Rochester is from home, but I arrive from a very long journey, and I think I may presume so far an old and intimate acquaintance as to install myself till he returns. My name is Mason. I am but just arrived in England. I spent some time on the West Indies station, sir. Do I detect...? You have an acute ear, sir. I am from kingston, Jamaica. I know it well. It was there that I met Mr. Rochester. I did not know that Mr. Rochester had ever been to the West Indies. Oh, Rochester has been everywhere. But allow me to introduce you to the company, Mr. Mason. Lady Ingram, permit me to present Mr. Mason formally to you. Most certainly. Lady... Rochester did not like the West Indies. Hurricanes and heat and the appalling rainfall were too much even for his heroic tastes. Beg pardon, sir. There's an old woman in the hall refusing to leave. A gypsy, sir. Well, tell her I'm a magistrate and shall have her put in the stocks if she does not take herself off. No, wait. Sam, did I hear you say she was a gypsy? Yes, sir. She insists on being brought in before "quality" to tell fortunes. Well, we have no plans for entertainment. Let her entertain us. Surely, Colonel Dent, you would not encourage such a low imposter. What is she like? A shocking, ugly, old creature, Miss, almost as black as them coals. Let's have her in. To be sure. Why throw away the chance of a little fun? Show her into the library. Well, that is what she wants, Miss. She says she'll not appear before the vulgar herd. I figure I had better go first No, sir. She wants no gentlemen. Ladies only, and only them that's young and single. By Jove, she has taste. Oh, my best, my dearest, pause, reflect. What did she say, Blanche? Well, Blanche. She pawed my palm and told me what such people usually tell. It is my turn now. Oh, my dear. I am sure she is something not right. She told me such things. She knows all about us. If you please, Miss, gypsy says there is another young single lady in room, and she'll not go on until she's seen thee. The governess, indeed. I will go, by all means. I can make nothing of such a hand as that. It's too fine. Kneel on the rug. It's in the face. It's about the eyes, in the set of the mouth. I wonder with what feelings you came to me tonight. You have no secret hope that whispers to you of a sweet future? The utmost I hope is to save enough money for a little school some day. Mean food for the heart. And when you're sitting in that window seat... Oh, yes, I know your habits. You have been speaking to the servants. Oh, one of them. Hmm. You're sharp. You're quick. Mrs. Poole. Oh, don't be alarmed. She's a safe hand is Mrs. Poole. She can be trusted. Now, when you're sitting in that window seat, do you think of nothing but your future school? Is there not one of your companions you think about? Is there not one face that you study? I like to observe all faces. You are forced to observe your master. He is not at home. Does that blot him, as it were, out of existence? I can scarcely see what Mr. Rochester has to do with my ways. Amid all this society, have you not seen love in his face? I did not come here to confess. Is it known that Mr. Rochester is to be married? Aye, and to the beautiful Miss Ingram. Shortly? Appearances would make it seem so. But, mother, I did not come here to hear Mr. Rochester's fortune. I came to hear my own. Aye. Your fortune is yet doubtful. Chance has offered you a measure of happiness. It depends on yourself to stretch out your hand and take it up. Whether you will do so is the question. Kneel again on the rug. Do not keep me long. The fire burns me. Ah, the flame flickers in the eye. The eye shines. It's soft and full of feeling. The eye is favorable. The mouth... at times delights in laughter. The brow's the enemy. That brow says, "I can live alone if self-respect requires it. I needn't sell me soul to buy bliss." That forehead declares, "reason sits firm and holds the reins. "It will not let her feelings burst away "and hurry her to wild chasms. "Strong wind, earthquake, shock and fire may pass by, but I will follow the guiding of that still, small voice called conscience." Well said, conscience, your voice shall be respected. Well, Jane, do you know me now? Off ye lendings. It was well carried out, don't you think? This was no party game. You have been trying to draw me out. Oh, Jane, do you forgive me? I don't know. I shall have to have time to think about it. Mr. Rochester, are you aware there is a stranger waiting to see you? Mr. Mason of the West Indies. Mason. The west indies. -Are you ill, sir? -Oh, Jane, I've got a... I've got a blow, Jane. -Where is he? -In there with the others. No whispering. They're laughing and talking. He seemed sociable. Sociable? Jane, if all those people turned their back on me, went away from here, would you go, too? I would stay with any friend. I will stay with you. But why? Jane, go in there. Step quietly up to mason. Whisper in his ear. Tell him that Rochester is here and waiting to see him. Show him in then, then leave us. I am sorry to arrive without warning. Well, I must declare, you're looking well, Richard. Yes, Edward, time has been kinder to me than I would have imagined. I would like I could say the same. Mason, I don't like you going up there tonight. Not on your own. Wait till tomorrow. I must go up now. I could not sleep otherwise. Help! Help! Help! For god's sake, come! Henry, my dear boy, did you hear that? Where in the devil is Rochester? Here I am. Be calm, all of you. I'm coming. What awful thing has happened? Don't strangle me. All is right, do you hear? All is right. What the deuce was that noise, then? One of the servants had a nightmare. That's all. Now I must ask you all to return to your rooms. We must get the house settled. And, gentlemen, have the goodness to set the ladies an example. Miss Ingram, I know I can count on you. Ladies, you'll catch your death of cold in this gallery. Come on, come on. No, no. -Who is it? -Open the door. -Have you got any smelling salts? -Yes, sir. Bring them. Subtitles edited by Hai Hung Revised by Héctor Lahoz The kitchen has been trashed again! It's always the same! Who? Who did that? Last night, after dinner I went straight to bed - Then it might've been ghost who did it! - Might've been a rat! That's why you need to clean it up before you went to sleep There is no way in hell a rat can move the kettle away! Yeah, you might be right. The TV was also exploded last night! Weird! No wonders, you just turned it on to put you to sleep! No way! I'm old and exhausted. That's why i fell asleep easily, when the show got boring. Nina, have you told your mom in Banyumas that we're already moved to this new house? She haven't got the time, she's busy with her boyfriend! Don't be ridiculous! I have sent her a mail, aunty. It might've been arrived today. Let's go , Mer! Hurry! Told ya! - I'm off, aunty. Where the heck is Rudy? Beats me! You fuckin' jerk! You scared the hell outta me! Don't be mad, sweetie! Just hop on! You guys! - Bye, mom! Hey Rud, don't do that again! My mom isn't here, what if something happens to me! ? - Spoiled brat! Yeah, she can get cardiac arrest, and died suddenly! - No way! Might be just a comatose! It's weird. Since we moved to the new house, almost every night i'm having nightmares. No wonders, you spent your time daydreaming. We youngsters, should always be having fun like going to the disco! Right? - Beats me! Be supportive, bitch! Don't act like you're shy infront of Merry. You know, Mer. If you're not around he made poetries about you. I'll get you! I'd like to go to the disco, but I don't wanna left mom alone in the house. Is your mom a baby, who would cry if left alone? It's parents fate, when their children grown up they should be lonely. - She's her only child! - Watch your mouth Rud! Watch out! Good morning, Father. - Morning! - It's lucky, we didn't hit him. - Yeah I didn't see him. Poor him. He got a scary-looking face! Stop that. You might get cursed! He's God servant, after all. Right? Would you please pick me up, when the class is over? Sure thing! Just wait for me If he doesn't show up, divorce him! I just organized these pots yesterday, how can they got screwed like this? Do you think some kids did this? I didn't see any kids here yesterday It's better to hire a gardener, than got bothered by these flowers I think you are right - See you tomorrow, Rud. - Pick us up again, don't you forget! That girl of yours is always daydreaming She seems shocked by her parent's divorce - Who's kids are those playing on the front yard? - There are no children here. Why? Oh, nothing. Who's in there? It's me, aunty! Don't fall asleep in there! I'm already asleep, you bitch! Help! Help! Heeelp! Aunty, help! Nina, what's wrong with you? - What happened mom? - Open up! - Hang on, Nina! What is wrong with you? Open up, Nin! Hurry up, mom! Nina, what the hell was that? - You alright? - I'm okay Told ya, don't bath in the middle of the night! You must've been fall asleep, and got nightmare! Come, get some rest both of you! He visited you again? Markus? - Yes, good morning! - Are you ready? - Yeah Okay, i will come and pick you up. - I will be waiting, thanks! Morning mom! You guys going already? Have you eat your breakfast? Yes we have We're off mom! Please go straight to home after school, I'm going out. I might not be home tonight Going out with Markus again? What's wrong, Sis? You don't look happy today Say something! Please don't leave me wondering, Siska. Just let it out We can't go on like this I can't face Merry I get it, I understand how she felt. Soon as I get the divorce paper finished.. ..then we will get married. Yeah, I'm serious Last night I got the same nightmare. It was horrible. A devil came out from my bed, with razor sharp nails.. and horrendous face! Me too! I'm bored! You've been talking about it all day! What if it shows up? What you're gonna do? C'mon stop it, will you? It's friday night. Becareful! Nothing here. It's not funny! You guys can take a joke! What if i use this thing? You guys scared? You're an asshole! What are you gonna do about it? You wanna fight me? Knock it off! Don't joke about it! Stop messing with that thing. Get rid of it! Sure thing! Hey, what the fuck happened? Why did you scare them like that? C'mere, you! I myself was scared too! Who the hell is he? This is Bokir, our new gardener. C'mon, apologize to Merry and her friends! I'm so sorry, Miss! Sorry guys! Let's eat! - Alrighty! Damn, I almost shit my pants! How was it? Where did your mom get that scary gardener? His face looks terrible in the dark! Let's go inside. - Yeah. Stop worrying about it! Why are you so silent? Please sit properly! You're acting weird tonight! I'm confused What's wrong Mer? Dunno I don't know what to do with my mom's boyfriend, Markus. If they're happy together, why bother? Yeah, but how long will they go on... ..with this undeclared relationship? Let's go! It's getting hot here! Where you guys going? Don't do nasty thing! Shut Up! Mind your own business! Well, this is what happened when the parents are not home. Just take it easy, Rud. She's just jealous! - Let's go upstairs. - OK What an interesting room.. ...just like the owner! That's enough. Your job tonight is to guard me. Your spot is over there. Will do, milady! - Lemme get some sleep. - OK Wake up! What's wrong? Would you just let me sleep? Who's out there? Are you human or devil? What's wrong with you? - Hurry up! - Open it! Back off! Guys, what's wrong? Where are you going? I'm going home. Going home? In the middle of the night? It's 3 A.M! I had a nightmare about my daughter... What's gotten into you? Only an idiot believe in nightmare and mystics crap! That's bullshit! Stop that! If you don't wanna drive me, I can manage on my own! - You two can go home now. - OK. Here's the bus fare. Thanks ma'am. I don't get you, Siska. When we get divorced.. ..you asked Merry to live with you, so that you don't get lonely. You also took your niece Nina to live with you too. Then Markus, the guy you most care for, came and bought you a luxurious house.. But you were never there to enjoy the luxury.. ..you even left the kids alone with the maid. You'll never understands me! If you do understand me then, we won't be separated in the first place! You only care for law articles, and the verses! But you don't care at all how women feel! Markus is different.. Life isn't just about fulfulling your ambitions and needs... ..we must be driven by logic and common sense. That's enough, Dad. - You're still here, Mr Baskoro? - I'm just about to go. - It's okay to sit here for a second, right? - Sure, take your time. Please excuse us. Maybe it's true, it was Rudy who killed Nina. If he didn't, why did he ran away? I'm not so sure.. ..maybe he ran because he was scared. I think.. It was the devil who killed her! That foreign devil who've always come in my nightmares.. A devil? Who would believe such thing, in this modern day? The devil killed a human? Rudy was carrying a knife that night. The police found it. I'm still not convinced! How come he killed her, when he's so in love with her? Yeah, that part makes me wonder too. He said the same thing to me, that he loved her so much. He was going to propose her, after the graduation. I feel terrible for her. Let's go home. I've promised to drive my mom somewhere. You go, I'm okay. OK, but please don't be mad. Don't scream! Why don't you turn yourself to the police? They will kill me! Who's gonna do that? You're just gonna have to explain everything to the police. Did you really kill her? You also think I killed her? I swear to God.. I love her so much! There was someone else in the room and killed her, even tried to get me killed! But the room was locked from the inside! - There's no way someone could get in! - Enough! I'm not safe out here. Then, who killed her? I don't fucking know! It was not me! What the fuck is this? Don't run! Put your hands up! Let's go! How can you betray me? Rudy, watch behind you! Help! Help! These letters can be used... ..to sue your business partner. If there's anything you'd like to add, it'd be better. I can't think of any. OK then.. I will prepare the case. Excuse me for a moment.. it's my daughter. No problems, I 'm about to leave. OK then.. I will keep you posted. Introduce yourself Merry.. Mrs. Rita, my client. Excuse me. Tono, cancel my appointments, OK? How's it going Merry? Dad, you must help Rudy! He didn't kill Nina. I will defend him. It's my job to do so. You must help him quickly! Nina was killed by the devil! If you're not hurry, he will be next! What are you talking about? This a matter of law.. ..and I'm the expert at it! I will do my best to help him. Justice doesn't have anything to do with mystics! Well, whatever.. just help him, OK? I will certainly do that. Let's visit him tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. Move it! Why are you here for? You've made a deal with the police.. ..to put me in this prison! Nope.. ..she wants to help you out. It's impossible to help you, if you're a fugitive! Swear to God, I didn't kill her! She was killed by the devil! That does not make sense! Your words can't be proven. But that's the truth, Dad! I saw it too on my nightmares! That is right! That's why i ran away. I will settle this myself with the devil! Chill out. Please be honest with me. Why bother? You don't believe me anyway! But I swear, I didn't kill Nina! I love her! It's okay Rudy. I will check on the preliminary report.. ..and the coroner's report. Please take care of yourself. Who the fuck did this? It must be him! You cunt! What did you do in my room? What did I do? Why do you rape me like this? Why did you crash my room? You have something against me? What happened with your room? See for yourself! Please forgive me. You miss me, right? Haven't seen me all day? Don't be a jerk. I know it! Gimme a kiss! Why can't you understand my condition? I can't leave Merry alone. I'm sorry. Maybe some other time. Good night. Are you lonely? Nope, as long as I have you, I'll never be lonely. Do you still love Dad? Dunno. I do need love and deep care. I was raised by your grandparents, who were busy working. Same thing with your dad.. If that's the reason, then you've fooled yourself. Dad is always wondering about you.. I got called by the police, Rudy has escaped from the custody. So what should I do? Don't go anywhere, I'm on my way. OK. Mom, Rudy has escaped! I have no business with you! I'm looking for the guy who killed my lover! Just to to bed Mer. We can't do anything to help him. Howdy, Wan? Fine, thanks. What do you think about all this mess? There's definitely something wrong here. But all religions told us God didn't only created human... He also created spiritual beings. The devil, for instance. Correct. According to the law, these things can't be proven to exist. But this belief is often used to commit scam and to cover up crimes. Let's go back to our place, so that we can discuss it further. Thanks, but I brought a car here. Follow behind us, will you? Sorry sir, but I got an appointment with a friend. He's a nice kid, and bright too. Is he your boyfriend? Do you want him as your son of law? If you're happy with him.. I'll go along. I'll even arrange the wedding.. ..and buy you honeymoon tickets to Bali . Ma'am.. What's up? I think this house is haunted.. ..I mean, there are ghosts here. Shouldn't we seek help from a shaman? I know a very good one. Great, when will you bring him here? Tomorrow night. What the fuck are you doing? Get off me! - Ma'am - Yes? I've checked around the house.. Now I need to check these rooms. - Can you prepare my requests? - Alright - Go on, prepare them.. - Yes Ma'am This is my room. It's fine Ma'am. Seems like the devils had turned this house upside down. You are right. They had also crashed my maid's room. Don't you worry Ma'am, I will get rid of them. Come out, you devil! Hey, you rotten shaman! Leave and stay away! I have been paid to be here, so stop being cocky! I'll gut you.. ..to pieces! Wait a sec! Don't come any closer! Can we negotiate this? Damn, you chickened me out a bit. You will taste my power now! Eat that devils! I got you! I've managed to get rid of them! You lucky bastard! Sorry Ma'am.. Don't worry.. it's been taken care of. I've made them leave. - Wait a sec! - Nope, I better be going! Lemme deliver his money, Ma'am. He's too shy to accept it. Is that so, Bokir? He seems scared... We are safe now, the devils are all gone. Don't be so sure. We can sleep well tonight. You'll be dreaming of me. Don't be too cocky! Wow, a foreign chick! What are you doing here? My cigarette! Damn you! Gimme back the cigarette! Damn woman! I'll give you a kiss! Don't I'll report you to the shaman! No need to scare me . Oh my god! I think, our estate is the best to date. It's cozy and has the best infrastructures. The Architecture.. and interiors are the most modern and artistic. We provide the best for our clients. Is there anything we can help with? But that house is haunted! Don't be ridiculous! In this computer era, we shouldn't believe in such things! Tell me Mr. Hendra.. ..what is your company's policy regarding the haunted house? Stop talking like that! It's our commitment to help out clients. Was it built on top of cemetary? Nope, that is not true! That land was a farm, owned by a Dutch family. If you believe there are ghosts there.. I will help you to get rid of them. I know a guy who can help us. Dealing with these things is his expertise! I'll bring him tonight. OK then, thanks Mr. Hendra. Where are you going? Gonna take a walk a minute.. Dont' go, it's important for us. I'm bored here. You scared me to death! I can't sleep. Come on then. Who are they? It's the estate guy, he brought the shaman. Why bring another shaman? Dunno, it was my mom's decision. Wait.. let's bring that priest here! Forget it! C'mere you devil! Why did she bring another shaman? An educated woman like her believe in such things.. It's better to leave, than to be killed here too. I'm afraid something bad would happen tonight. Stop it. We must have faith! C'mon! What are you up to? What's wrong with you? Do you love me, Wan? C'mon make love to me! What's gotten into you? Don't fool around! C'mon honey! I love you.. truly. Something is wrong here! Sorry, I have to do this! Mr. Hendra, you lied! It's true that this house was built on top of cemetery! Didn't you move the skeletons out? Not true! Father! Please help my daughter! Where are you? The devil took my daughter! Please help my daughter, Father! Calm down Ma'am. Pray to God for her safety! I'll try to save her, but it's up to God! I'm scared mom! Let's get out from here! You okay, Wan? Father, help! Hurry up, Wan. Let's get outta here! Where are they? There! They are in danger! Hurry up! Please get them somewhere save! Hurry Dad! Siska, that was a sign for you. You've learnt your lesson. Although we are separated I've always been watching over you.. You are right, it was all my fault. I'm so sorry. = Soyuzmultfilm studio presents CHEBURASHKA GOES TO SCHOOL AIRPORT Where is Cheburashka? He was supposed to meet me! Porter! You need to pay for four items. - But I only have three items. - And me? You're right. Here. Repair. Tricked the fool times four! Repair? I don't know what's going on! Hello, Gena! Hello, hello Cheburashka! Why didn't you meet me? I didn't know you were coming. Didn't you get my telegram? I certainly did. Here it is, your telegram! Wait a minute... Switch the blocks. Great job! Look how beautiful it is, Gena! Have you read it yet? No. I was waiting for you to come and read it! Ah! So that means you can't read, Cheburashka? I can't, Gena. You're lucky, Cheburashka. - Tomorrow is the first of September. - So? It means that tomorrow is the beginning of a new school year. You will go to school, and you'll study there. Do you understand? I understand! This is wonderful! I have an idea: I will go to school as well. So it's decided. I'm going to start a new life! ...and when I graduate, I will go to the zoo and become your substitute. No! No way, Cheburashka. You can't work there. But why? Why? Because the animals will eat you alive. Look! We forgot about uniforms! What should we do? We should buy everything in the store. I'm all ears. We need a school uniform. We do not have any in your size... ever! It's not me who needs the uniform. We don't have any uniforms his size. They'll never let me go to school now. They will be happy to accept you! Good day, sir. I really need a school uniform! Good day to you. Is it for a girl or boy? Do I look like a boy to you? No, but you don't look like a girl, either. Then what do I look like? Like a grandmother. You are rude and ignorant. Now give me a uniform! Stop! Stop! SCHOOL Hello, hello, hello! May I speak to the school principal? I am the principal! And I'm Vyera. I'm in charge of the critter corner. I have a turtle and a crow with me. I have brought Cheburashka so that you may teach him how to read. - And write. - Oh yes, and of course, to write as well. We can't teach him anything, as the school is closed for repairs. What do you mean repairs? ! Tomorrow is the first of September! Kids must study. I mean, what if they receive a telegram? Exactly. - Repair? - Repair. Lariska, go ahead! We will start repairing now. IMMEDIATE REPAIR Lazy nitwits. I order you to finish repairing right now! Yes! It's all in order. Everything will be ready shortly. Lariska will see to it! It is nice, but we don't have any teachers for the Nature Study or Labor classes. I... I can be a Nature Study teacher. And I can be a Labor teacher. I will teach the kids how to make slingshots, and how to operate all kinds of transportation! - And an airplane? - And an airplane. That is, if I'm able to find one. THE END Shoji Kaneko, the star of Ryuji, died before dawn on November 6, 1983. His character Ryuji will live forever. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Hey, are you awake? Who are you? What? You don't remember? You were hitting on me at the club. You got a lot of nerve. I'm sorry. Here, take this. What's that for? No questions. Aren't you Ryuji, of the Santokai gang? I don't need your money. I'll take this instead. Thanks, bye. RYUJI Directed by Tôru Kawashima How late do you fuckin' sleep? You're a total fuck-up! I don't want to hear any of that shit. Find Nao and bring him over. Don't you think you've gotten a little carried away recently? No, I don't think so. You got a thing for blondes? No. I heard you go bar-hopping with her, speaking your shitty English. No. Are you fucking retarded? Is she yours? I'm sorry, she's the gang's. Motherfucker! I'm sorry. You know Kazu is watching very closely! Me and him are like brothers. Or didn't you know? That's why you're such a ballsy motherfucker! - What do you think my relationship is with Kazu? - I'm sorry. You think he's someone you can fuck with? He may not be the man he used to be... but he still carries a lot more weight than trash like you. We hit the bottom of the barrel together, and I even cried on his shoulder... you asshole! Miserable piece of shit, you can't control yourself! Nao! I'm sorry! Nao, stop! You're so dumb, you're going to end up with no fingers at all. I can't take this, how fucking old are you? Yeah, yeah, I got it already, how old? You're 30, aren't you, Nao? - You turned 30. - Yes! I'm going to tell you something, so listen up... Only fools chop off their fingers after 30. Got it? You're a dodo! So don't go blabbing all over Shinjuku that you chopped your finger off. Hiroshi, take him to Aoyama Hospital. If you say he's one of my boys, they'll reattach his finger. Understood! Nao, let's go to the hospital. I'll take you. - You OK? - I'm fine. What the fuck were you thinking? ! I thought you were really cool... in your own way. Really? Don't encourage him. He'll just fuck up again! I don't need that. Take it. Under ordinary circumstances, I would have handed you his nuts in a paper sack. He even tried to cut off his finger... but I felt bad, because he wouldn't be able to pick his nose anymore. Forget about it, OK? How's business? Slow... With knuckleheads like this on my crew, nothing goes right. Maybe I'll come over and visit some time. Anytime. - Good afternoon! - Good to see you. - Oh, he's early? - Yes. Nitta, what's up? Oh, Ryuji. Same old bullshit - the Sakae Building. That was the Yamato Club, right? It wasn't popular, so they shut it down. Now the property owner says the lease guarantee of ¥20 million is for a 3-year contract, and we'll lose that money if we pull out early. They've got a bank backing them. It's pathetic, really; yakuza being bullied by a bank. Listen up... Make this problem go away. If you don't, you're out of the gang. You'll be eating out of garbage cans! What's the matter? There ain't shit I can do about it. These guys are used to yakuza strong-arm tactics. You shake your fist at them and they ignore you. It's getting so I don't know who the real mafia is! You worry too much. I'm home! Cool, huh? It's a little dorky, but yeah, it's fine. It was really cheap, too. They were having a sale. What the fuck! A sale? Yakuza do not shop for fucking discounts! That's for punk students and scrimping housewives! If you can't have a little fucking pride, quit the gang! Work at a fucking desk! Excuse me. I'm sorry. Well, anyway, that's what Ryuji told me once. But if you have to learn it from him, you'll go home limping. I'll take it back. No, keep it. It's nice. I won't tell. It looks good on you... For real! - Forget about the goddamn jacket and get back to work. - Yes. - Who's here? - Sakomaru and Shibata came over. - Kazu Shibata? That piece of shit? - He's here. - Good evening. - Hey, Ryu. How's the wheel treating you? - Hey, Sakomaru, good to see you. - Hello. Thanks. Sako, how's it going? This ain't my day, Ryu. Nao is cleaning up big time. - I'm just hanging back today. - Don't give me that. You gotta show these guys who's boss. See you later. How's it going in there? Sakomaru is down. By how much? - About 500 G's. - And Kazu? It was about the same until around one o' clock. I mean after about an hour. Just keep it simple. Sorry. He's down 300 G's. Keep lending to Sakomaru, but don't give Kazu any money. If he complains, call me. Also, Kazu's woman shoots junk, so be careful of her. Word is she's going to be pinched next week, so don't buy from her. Just give her water. Dealer change... Go easy on me. You ready to play again, Mr. Sakomaru? Everyone step right up. New dealer spins. Ease up a little. Sakomaru is likely to get spooked and hold back. Understood. Thanks. Don't get too hot. Excuse me... I turned him down, but Kazu asked for drugs. That bald bastard! Don't get carried away, hophead... If you lose more money than you can afford, I'll crush you. She's coming! She's coming! When Sakomaru's in, it's a whole different game. Come in. - Is he here? - Yes. What are you having? Coffee. Get it yourself, cunt. I'm sorry. Forget it, Hiroshi, I'll make it myself. Ryu, you're never without a pretty girl. The two-bit slut, she stinks like piss. She shakes her ass fine, but she can't even boil rice. A baby? I went to the hospital - it's definite. - Congratulations! - A boy or a girl? It's too early to tell. Mr. Hanashiro? Congratulations. Is it OK? Yeah, up to a magnitude of around 6! What happens if it's a 7, asshole? ! Come here a second. Aya, honey. I'm Ryuji of the Santokai. Do you think for a fucking minute I'm going to let you operate, just because you have a gang's crest? When will he get out? Probably about the beginning of next month. Provided you can post bail. The plaintiff is a driver unconnected to the gangs. Your husband is a yakuza. It isn't going to be easy. Thank you for your co-operation. What about me? I'm not ignoring the problem, but I can't climb out from under a ¥3 million debt. If you feel responsible, maybe you could talk to the gang for me. Talk to the gang? Get lost for a minute. What the fuck are you talking about? How am I supposed to negotiate with the gang? With Ryuji's connections, the pieces will fall into place. You mean Nitta. Even I could talk to him... but that would mean opening Ryuji's books to everyone. Are you going to be able to take care of yourself? I'm sorry we couldn't take the rap for him. We have to do something. He never could stand cramped places. There he is. Hey, Mariko, come here! Hey, guard. Remember this face, and watch your back when you're in the city. See you later, honey. I'm out, you meatheads! That son of a bitch! Aya is my fucking daughter... and I want her back. You two get your asses to Kyushu right now. Ryu, listen: I had to pull a lot of strings to come up with the money to get you out. - What's that got to do with Aya? - I left her with my dad. How the fuck is that going to help? It did, just listen... I'm trying to tell you. Dad said he wouldn't pay to get a yakuza out of prison. But he was willing to give me money to divorce you. What the fuck? ! Money to divorce me? Un-fucking-believable! Will you just listen? You know I married you against their wishes. So, I couldn't just hit them up for money. That's why I was willing to do anything, just to get you out. You were willing to do anything? You really wanted to go back to that filthy old prick, asshole, motherfucker! That's a good one - money to divorce me! I'll pay him back, and he can have you, too! Aya is my daughter! And you two cocksuckers knew about it and you didn't say a goddamn thing! Who do you think pays your fucking salaries? ! Motherfuckers! I'm sorry! Dogs show more gratitude than you two shitheels! Who do you think feeds you? ! Sorry sack of shit! You fucking losers kill people and you still can't turn a buck. When are you going to fucking learn? ! Listen up: the old man isn't getting away with this. And the truth is that you started this problem. I'm the one who's going to blow his fucking brains out, and you two shitheads are going to chop him into little pieces! Do you fucking understand me? ! FUCK! I'm sorry! Forgive me, Ryu. I guess it wasn't the right thing to do. I'll go to Kyushu tomorrow... But, Ryu... my father actually wants to talk honestly with you. He wanted to come when Aya was born. As far as the money goes, that was the only way he could justify giving it to me, with my brother getting married and everything. Plus, he is my father... I can't let you talk about killing him. Ryu... let's go to Kyushu tomorrow. OK? Together. Mariko... you're not cut out to be a... yakuza's wife. You couldn't go to bed with men for me. I see that now. I guess a yakuza has to have money. You go back to Kyushu. I give up. You can have Aya... what am I gonna do with a rugrat? ! Ryu! Hello? Hiroshi? It's you, isn't it? It's good to hear from you. Is Ryu there? No. Oh, well, is he all right? He's fine... where are you? At my parents' house. I have to ask you something... Recently, Ryu has been sending us quite a bit of money. I think you know about it. In fact, you're probably taking care of it for him. What are you guys doing? It's nothing to worry about. Ryuji is doing really well now. He's running his own casino. - What's up? - Hey, Ryu. How's business? Well, actually it stinks, but thanks for asking. Naturally. For a single ¥10,000 note, you can buy the real thing. Why would anyone settle for a porno mag? You got that right. Shinjuku's a whole new ball game these days. I gotta keep up with the times. You'll never change, old man. - Ryu... - What? - You seem different. - Me? Something about you. Your face seems more serene. I'm sorry, I'm just babbling. Before I forget, here's for this month. - Nah, keep it. - What? ! I won't be collecting from you anymore. Wait a minute now... thanks to you, we can operate in peace. That ain't right. The way it is even now, any punk who wants to can saunter in and set up shop here. The only people still paying are you and that old lady over in Yanagi. Ryu, you really have changed. Please have a seat... oh, Ryu! Good evening. Hey. All done for tonight. Allow me. Delicious! What's up with you, not too busy now? Yeah. What's with the long face? Enough work, take off. You've got an early day tomorrow. I'm going. OK, Ryu, you enjoy your drink. Her daughter's got a school trip tomorrow. And I still have to get ready. Good night. See you. What's up? Business not good? No, operations are smooth. Recently... I've been a little confused... worried even. I can't keep calm. Being a yakuza, having death breathing down your neck is the price of doing business. I've lost my nerve. The violence wears you down. I don't need money that badly. Ryuji... you're not the first person to feel that way. When I was your age, I was unsure of myself for a long time. I didn't know what I was doing here. I had to hold myself back from jumping out of the window a dozen times. We're not strong, we're weak. But when I saw my daughter's sleeping face, I knew I couldn't give up. In the end, my wife and daughter saved me. That's why I gave up the life, completely and utterly. You miss them, don't you? Like crazy. I want to see them again. I dream... about my daughter, walking alone... with tears in her eyes. Then I jerk myself awake. It makes me want to give it all up and run to her. Get out of the gang, Ryu. Like I did. Everyone will be better off. Even the gang. I don't think they'll be too happy. They will. They'll get to take over all your operations. You were all smiles when I dropped out. Coming! Here's your dinner. Thanks, I'll take it. - How much is it? - ¥4,500. - Hey! - What? - Not you! Hey, mister, doesn't that job wear you out? - Sure does. - Keep the change. - Thank you. What's the matter with you? You're acting like a pussy! It ain't like you. The thing I asked you to do for Yamato - it's too late to back out. I'm counting on you. Even if I do go... Don't talk like that. It's not that I ain't gonna go, but with what I'm up against... I'm so happy that you're willing to try, Ryuji. If it doesn't work out, so be it. It won't look good, but I'll explain everything to the gang. - There he is. - Good afternoon. Go ahead. - Give me a business card. - A business card? Not that one, the one with the yakuza crest on it. Are you Toyama? Yes, I am. - I... - Listen... I don't know who you are, but nothing is going to change, no matter who they send. Wait! Hold on a second... I got it. I'll give it to you. Just a second... Is a cheque all right? Ryuji Hanashiro Santokai When you're a yakuza, if you got balls, money rolls in till you choke on it. I'm sick of money! He's right. A yakuza's gotta have grit. That's the long and the short of success in this business. That's it - I'm out. You don't mean it. There's no particular problem here, I'm just sick of it. Don't you understand - Ryu is sick of money. Can you believe it? The yakuza have their lives... and the squares have theirs. I just ask... that you look out for Nao and Hiroshi. You got that? You two play nice. If you don't... I'll come looking for you! What's the matter? Cheer up, you're not the one who's quitting. Drink. Is your pinky better? Don't leave us! I was drawn to the splendor of the big city. But my dreams turned to dust. In this great city of Tokyo, under the gold and silver neon signs, the men weren't all yakuza... and the women weren't all honeys. And I was one of them - not a six footer, just a runt. I hadn't done much to make a name for myself. But I had a single child, a kid that I was callously distancing myself from. I was lonely, living by myself in my drab apartment, amid the constant threat of death. I stab someone, I go to prison... I get stabbed, I go to hell. I retire from the life, spent emotionally and physically, but... the gang crest will live forever. I quit the yakuza. I hope you'll... come back to the family. Ryu! Daddy! You sure were up a creek without a paddle! So that's what happened? I can't believe it. Do you like it? Do you want one? Drink up. Thanks. Don't give him too much; he gets drunk easily. That's not a problem. Go ahead. He seems like a really good guy. He's handsome, too. I don't know how you'll feel about it, Ryu, but dad's getting up there in years, and I'd like it if he didn't have to work anymore. It's just a cod sausage factory, but it would give you something to do. I don't know if you like fish sausage? No, I love it. I'm flattered by your kind offer, but an old friend found me a job. I'd like to see if I can stand on my own two feet first. I see. Well, if it doesn't work out for you, this offer will always be on the table. Thank you. Mr. Hanashiro, please take care of Mariko. I understand. - Hey, Mr. Sekiya. - Hey. - Good to see you. - How are things? I'm satisfied here. Outstanding! You look good. Stand up straight! - Sorry. - Let's go. - Did you stock this at your store? - No. We've got some surplus at the store. It's sesame-based. Let's have a drink. You'll have some too, won't you, Mr. Hanashiro? Just a little. It goes down smooth and it's supposed to lower your cholesterol. But, hell, who cares? It's booze! Go ahead. Thanks. How was it? Good, yeah? Very nice. Have a nice day, honey. Ryu, stand up straight! Bye-bye, daddy! How are you? Worn out, I bet. You'll get used to it. Then it won't be a big deal. - Mariko? - Yes? Give me a hand here. Aya, daddy can't sing at all. True enough. Let's eat. Time to take it easy. That hits the spot! He suddenly came down with a fever last night. No, it's me who should apologize. I see. He should be fine by tomorrow. Thank you for your understanding. Ryu, are you OK? Don't try to move, just lay down. Does it hurt? The store is all right. Your boss was very nice; he said you should just take it easy. You can't just ignore me because you have a fever. Ryu! Mariko... I'm glad I went straight. Ryu, stop. Aya's right there. She's fast asleep. That's daddy. Look here, and here. Let's go again sometime. That was really fun, wasn't it? They turned out well. Not bad. Ryu... thank you. Beer delivery! Here's your invoice. I'll leave the case here. Thanks for the business. Good work. I'm sorry: a bottle was stolen in Shinjuku. If it was Nakano, it wouldn't be a problem, but Shinjuku is different. Try to be careful. You'll find your salary a bit higher this month. Thank you. Come over for a drink every once in a while. That's very kind of you, but I can't today. My wife is waiting. Have it your way. Thanks for the hard work. - Have a seat! - Good evening. Hey, Ryu, have a seat... Beer? - Yes, please. - OK. - Anything wrong today? - No. You're really late today. I'm still learning the ropes at work. It's already been around three months. To the day. Then it's payday. Shouldn't you be at home, with Mariko? I'm not staying long, I'm just a little thirsty. How's Aya? She's got an attitude these days. She's three already. That's a tough age. I don't know when Aya picked it up, but she's got this scowl she does. I asked Mariko, and she said Aya is imitating me... my scowl. Ryu, that's what you look like when you get all no-nonsense. Really? I never thought about it. Still, it's cute. Ryu! Kazu... You ever run into Nao or Hiroshi? Nao has done a lot for me. He's a good guy. Quit the junk. I'm going to. I want to quit. But I need money. Ryu, help me out here. There's no one else. You gotta help me! Stupid motherfucker! What the hell is the matter with you? Pull yourself together! What the fuck? Kazu, talk! Help me, Ryu. I need money! I'm not doing anything for you. I spent a little at Sekiya's place. - Really? Is he doing well? - Yeah. Ryu! Your salary's gone up a little. This is going to help. It's a minor miracle that we're scraping by on that. Before, that wouldn't have lasted me three days. You're a square, through and through! It's the same for everyone. That's how people get by. It's a hard life. Aya and I are happy. You can't see a damn thing from this window. Take your money with you! It's no good, now that he's dead. Ryu? Oh, it's you. - Vegetables are really expensive... - Shut the fuck up, bitch! Welcome back, honey. Do you want a bath first? - Hello, daddy. - Sure. Oh, I almost forgot: Hiroshi called this afternoon. Hiroshi? He said it wasn't anything urgent. He just wanted to come over and see you sometime. I figured it was OK, so I told him you'd be home around six. Sorry I haven't kept in touch. Hiroshi, relax and enjoy yourself. I know the present is late, but I hope you like it. Thank you. This is for Aya. Wow, that was thoughtful! Ryu, Hiroshi has really gone up in the world. I shouldn't be so informal now. Not at all - it reminds me of old times. - Here you go. - Thanks. - It looks good. - Eat up. - Thanks. Was it all right for you to take tonight off? Yeah, Nao's handling things. What's this? You speak English now, Aya? Great! Aya, do you remember your Uncle Hiroshi? You know... OK, that's enough! Time to go to mama. Are you getting along all right with Nao? Yes... although it's only the two of us. Nao should have come, too. What a shame! I've changed, haven't I? You'll always be Ryuji. Are you staying away from drugs? Drugs are something you sell, not something you use, Ryu. I saw Nao... Aren't you going to do anything to help him? She's sleeping like a baby. Just a second! Excuse me... I'm sorry to bother you. Motherfucker! I told you to wait outside till I came down! I apologize, but it's getting to closing time. Excuse me, Ryuji. Mrs. Hanashiro, thank you for the delightful meal. Hiroshi was really cool tonight, wasn't he? You think so? It's been... a long time... since I've seen you that carefree. Maybe so. Ryu... Ryu. Ryu! Ryu! The road's really fucking congested. What in the hell is going on? Hey, Hanashiro, I heard you were a real hellcat back in the day. Back in Nagoya, I made quite a stir myself. Went to the reformatory when I was 18 - those were some bad times. Do you know the Kurata gang, in Nagoya? There was a guy called Osamu, who was the number one son to the 'oyabun'. I got on his good side. Why are you telling me this shit? Aya, let's go back to grandma's place. Can we ride on the ANA again? Sure. Translation by scannon Kozue Timed by lordretsudo Cast: Shôji Kaneko - Ryuji Eiko Nagashima - Mariko Koji Kita - Hiroshi Kinzoh Sakura - Nao Masataka Iwao - Sekiya Screenplay by Shôji Kaneko Production Manager: Hiroshi Kobayashi Assistant Director: Junji Sakamoto Written by Shôji Kaneko Directed by Tôru Kawashima Be quiet now, children, let's be silent. If you try to be good I'll sing you a tale. It will be a quiet one with a happy ending. There won't be black men that scare our thoughts. Be quiet now, children. Come closer. I'll whisper tonight's tale,.. ..to wake not up strange things sleeping in the darkness. So not even the black night will scare us any more. And neither black men nor unknown things will come. So not even the black night will scare us any more. (RINGING BELL) Eh, who are you? What are you doing here? What are you hiding? Come, show me! Show me! But it's the pyx! You stole it! You thief! Come here! I'm going to catch you! Look! Thief! Thief! He stole from the church! Thief! Catch him, run! Thief! Thief! Just you! Look, a boy stole the pyx! Look for him! Can you see where he is? There he is! Yes! Catch him, it's him! Grab him! (SINGING IS HEARD) (HAMMER BLOWS) So? What's up? (with Roman accent) Please, hide me! They're running after me! - Go to church and seek sanctuary, O.K.? - O.K.! Go! I am such a beautiful maiden! I ask for sanctuary. - And who are you, the Jack of Clubs? - No, I'm Cirifischio. And is that pyx yours? When mom died she left everything to the Church,.. ..and I'm taking my stuff back. You refunded yourself. Mhm! - Alright, I stole it. - Ah... Come. Will you help me? - But who are all these old men? - Well, old men... Foreigners. People coming from all parts of the world. Pilgrims coming to Rome with feet cut all over. Yuck! But what are you doing? Loathing? You steal and loathe? These poor men, wrecks of life's great wreck. Do you know that helping the poor is like welcoming Jesus? We are the Confraternity of the Trinity of the Pilgrims and Convalescents. But, who? Well, we... I. It's a little thing I created. - And who are you? - Filippo Neri. But you are not Roman. Why, can you tell? You, go to bed, eh? (INDISTINCT VOICES) Are you sleeping in the graves? (in Roman dialect) We're training ourselves for when we'll have to die. Your sores give you pain, but your appetite doesn't desert you. (with an English accent) This soup isn't good. And picky too! Next time you come to Rome, stop by the Bear Inn. Yes, but since they're still after me,.. ..couldn't we close the door? Eh, no! Here the door is never closed. It is always open, day and night. So, if somebody enters, he will never exit. He's trapped, a prisoner. - Of the open door? - Of course. You, go upstairs! You, down there! And you, go inside! Have you seen a boy with a pyx in his hands? Yes, I have. He has just gone in there. But you may arrest him just there. It's a deconsacrated church. There's a priest, but he's kind of crazy. Come! Come! Don Fulgenzio! Thanks again. I need to take the Viaticum to dying old woman. ..and didn't know where to put it. If you had not lent it to me... For we, here, as you say in Rome:.. (in Roman dialect) .."we don't even have eyes to cry with." Let's go, move! By the way, did he at least thank you? Who? It is like him that he took the pyx.. ..without saying a word to you. - Just what he did. - Did you hear? It's because he's ignorant. We have to be patient, they are boys. I'll return it to you tomorrow. Thanks again. Let's go. - Don Filippo! - Oh... Yes? Are you really sure that I lent it to you? Sure, but if you don't remember don't worry. I too forget everything. It must be old age. Come on! He's right. You're old enough. Don Filippo: You don't realize the danger you ran into. In my church there is no sanctuary law! And why? Because I live there, who am an unworthy priest, loaded with vices and sins. I live like a lord,.. ..and I'm the cause of all the pains suffered by Jesus. It was I who sent Him to Calvary. I never did anything good to a person. Even if I had done all the good of the world,.. ..what would I have done, my Jesus? Come, don't take it this way. Le's go, move! So what did the coppersmith do in front of your place, tell me? - Master Iacomo? - Yes. Come. Come with me now. Don't you ever listen to Master Iacomo, do you understand? For he, when he says good day, it means it's night. Better, don't even talk to him, O.K.? Look! Who is he? Can you see? This is the way sacrilegious theft is punished in Rome.. ..by exposing the pieces to edify those who pass by. That, now, could have been you. Today is April 23. In the Christian calendar it's the feast of St. George and the dragon. Buzziche', it's just St. George's. It's not the dragon's feast. - Fine... - Why, "fine"? There was a St. George who was a knight.. ..who wandered through the world.. ..and ended up in a city where there was a lake with a dragon in it. And this dragon was killing people with its breath. Just like this. Don Filippo, Buzzichetta breathed on me! - He did it as an example. - What if the dragon had farted? It would have killed people like this. (HE FARTS) Darn! - Don Filippo, he farted! - We heard it. - I did it as an example. - Shut up and listen. Then the king, to keep it away from the walls,.. ..would send to him men and women of the city. But the dragon, breathing on each... - Hey, did you eat shit? - No, dead cats. Finally, only the little princess and the king were left. But the king treated all equally. He put a velvet cloak on the princess and left her on the lake shore.. ..to have the dragon eat her. I wish! Oh, are you listening? Lo and behold St. George galloping at full speed. Don Filippo, Caccoletta pissed on my shoe. That's not true, I was scared and pissed myself. Be good! Be good, if you can. All the rest is vanity. Will you move on, Buzzichetta? As soon as the dragon jumped out, St. George muzzled it.. ..and tied a rope round its neck,.. ..and went back to the city riding the little princess. You jerk, how can it be "riding the little princess"? Don Filippo: He made a mistake. How intolerant you are! Therefore, the king said to him:.. "St. George, now you have to marry her." "At least live together happily ever after." What? Are you telling tales? Sit down, let me hear the rest. Move on. St. George, however, could not marry,.. ..because he was a saint and they were Muslim. Therefore he went and took a bucket of Holy Water and baptized them all,.. ..in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen! - How did I do? - Well. Very well. You said it with much feeling. You even succeeded in humanizing the dragon. Well done! Tomorrow I'll tell you about St. Fedele. No, you tomorrow bugger off, please. Stop! How can it always end up like this? Be good! Good, if you can! Stop! But look... What are you doing? You too? Stop... Hold it... Al right. Go. I'm going out to breath a little Good that you calmed down. (HAMMER BLOWS) Oh, Don Filippo! - They drive you to despair, don't they? - Me? No... As they say, they're devils! You'd like that, wouldn't you? They're angels. (MUSIC FROM INTERIOR) Can you hear it? That's celestial music. Well, celestial... It's music. There! Don Filippo, don't pretend you're crazy. I'm not buying it. - Ah! - See? You ended up in Hell. Pretty good! - Master Iacomo! - Oh! How is that you only make pots and never make lids? Yes... Strange! How is that? You go searching here, searching there,.. ..but when death catches you, what will be left of your whims? Vanity of vanities. You are happy with your pleasures,.. ..enjoying only silver and gold, finally what will be left for you? Vanity of vanities. You go searching here, searching there,.. ..always pursuing happiness, healthy, cheerful, and carefree... Vanity of vanities. If you now watch in the mirror your serene face,.. ..surely you can't imagine what will be left one day of your vanity. All is vanity, only vanity live with joy and simplicity. Be good, if you can... all the rest is vanity. All is vanity, only vanity praise the Lord with humility! .. ..give Him all your love you shall not want ever. If you now watch in the mirror your serene face,.. ..sure you can't imagine what will be left one day of your vanity. All is vanity, only vanity. Don Filippo, but what kind of liturgy is this? Nothing, it's a little thing I invented. It is called an oratorio. Just to stay together. We tell each other the lives of saints we sing a hymn... Basically, we are cheerful. So the Lord is also happy. - Happy now? - I couldn't ask for more. - What time is dinner? - This does not depend on us. - On whom does it depend? - You'll see. Don Filippo: Give us alms! Anybody home? I can never hit it! - Shall we go? - Yes, but if they give us nothing, what shall we eat? Nothing. Give us alms! - No answer here. - And so? Give us alms! Oh! Oh, you there! Give us alms! I have ten hungry mouths at home! How's that? You're a priest and have ten children? ! Ten forsaken souls in need of everything. Illegitimate from an abandoned family, as you say in Rome. A poor wretch like me. - Like him? ! - Who? ! - Shut up! - Oh! Throw us down something! Can I throw you what I ate today? - Your leftovers are enough for us. - Prepare your sack. See? We made it. Ready! Here it is. - Is that what you ate today? - I just shat it out. - May God return you hundredfold. - Stop there! - What's in your sack? - Nothing. - Stolen goods? - No. - Let me see. - No, wait, it's... Let me see! Alright... It's not mine. It was given to me as alms. Perhaps it doesn't show, but I beg for alms. - And they give you shit? - Not all do. On the other hand, one can't demand. Each gives what he has. Cirifischio, go. You know that Don Filippo doesn't want you to stay here. You must finish reading the cards. I want to know what fate has in store for me. Sit. Blow! You'll meet somebody on a horse. Where? It's luck coming to you on a horse. You'll become rich and famous! It's all predicted by the Arcanes. You will travel the whole world! Can you see? You'll meet women of all colors, even black! They're not on the tarots, but... black! Black? Of skin, and hair. Cirifischio, do you like black women? I don't know. - Would like to see one? - Eh? ! I'll show you one... all black. Are you a wizard? No! No. Look. Can you see that hole? If you look through that hole behind the wall,.. ..there is always a Beautiful Black Woman undressing herself. And admiring herself with a candle. - Shall I go look? - Go! My goodness, how black I am! No? She scares you. You'll grow up. Then you'll see if you like her. Here's the Cardinal nephew! Cardinal so to speak. Come, Cirifischio! Let's try anyway! Your eminence! We've been walking all night. Please, from your good heart. Oh! You, so young, are already a cardinal? But he's the Duke of Caprarola! If you had been a Colonna, Orsini, or Farnese, you'd be born a cardinal too. Cirifischio: No shit! Your eminence, give us something. - Give him what he deserves! - Thank you! Here, I'm ready! Darn...! Sure, why not! This is for me and I thank you for that. But now, give me something for the boy. - No, no. I want nothing! - You're really stubborn. I'm thick headed. Haven't you heard the Cardinal? Piss off! - Oh, careful with your donkey! - Eminence! Just something for.. Don Filippo! Cirifischio! The horse must have frisked. - No, he did it on purpose. It was the faggot. - Who? - The one on the donkey! - Cirifischio, come here! Curse you! Laugh, laugh, faggot! I'm going to catch you alone! Let's go! Here's the faggot! Let's go! - Run, run! - I'm going that way! Let's hide! So, do you remember me? Don't know! - Who are you? - We are Don Filippo's avengers! - And what do you plan to do me? - We'll do you the "pull"! What's the "pull"? We take off your pants, we keep you standing and I pull your balls. So you'll scream like an eagle. - No! - Catch him! (INDISTINCT VOICES) You are really strong, five against one! Stop! I'm enough! He's not enough! (CHILDREN SHOUTING) He's not a faggot, she's a girl in disguise. What, aren't we doing her the "pull" anymore? - No. - Why? - Because girls don't have a penis. - What do they have? And who are you? What's your name? Leonetta. Leonetta, does the Cardinal know you are a girl? It was he who dressed me like a boy. - And why? - I'm Madame Lucretia's daughter. (WHISTLES) - So? - A famous whore! Shut up! What do you know? I was growing up in the brothel with the other whores' children,.. ..but Fr. Ignatius of Loyola.. ..said that young girls shouldn't live in brothels,.. ..otherwise they'll be learning prostitution from when they are little. He's right, that's not an appropriate place. According to you, is the convent of the poor virgins appropriate? They shut us in there. But they give you an education, they teach you for 7 years. Can you imagine 7 years with the Jesuits? Worse than jail! Now you'll tell me the brothel is better. In fact the Cardinal took me away and dressed me as a boy. I don't understand. Don Filippo, the Cardinal loves me. And that's why he should worry about your future,.. ..and send you to school like all little girls! So? But is he for real? (LAUGHTERS) He's a saint, he has no malice. Meaning I'm sort of a jerk? (LAUGHTERS) Don Filippo, the Cardinal loves me, but not the way you think! Eh? How? You, all out! Out! Why are you listening? You won't understand, you're too little. Go all of you to the oratory. And you? - I'm big, I can listen. - But what... I hope you realize... Do you know what you're saying? Do you understand, don't you? I do. It's you who don't understand. Jesus, how is this possible? I, however, don't love the Cardinal. What do I care? I don't even know you. What are you doing? Stop her! (BACKGROUND MUSIC) - What have I done? ! - Nothing. - And why did you hit me? - I? When? - Now, you slapped me! - Ah! I didn't slap you. I slapped the Devil! - Have you seen Leonetta? - Who is Leonetta? They haven't seen her. What, who is Leonetta? She's Madame Lucretia's daughter. - See? She knows her. - She's famous, you told me yourself. Where's Lucretia? She died of syphillis. She was filled with it up to the eyes. - Lucretia is dead? - That's what she said. Can you see how beautiful we are, Don Filippo? It's all appearance. The infected Devil hides in the folds of the dress. We'll all end up that way. At you! Speak for yourself! Don't listen to her, Don Filippo. I'm a lily, a flower, as white as a sheet! I have dukes, marchises, ambassadors.. No kidding... We'll all end up in the poor's cemetery! They treat dogs better... These are all famous whores. Although not like in the old times,.. ..but they continue the tradition of the great Roman whores. Like Isabella Veluna, Imperia, Tullia d'Aragona, Fiammetta... Cirifischio, how's that you know so much about it? Mom. Behind every Roman, there always hides a whore's son. What do you say? ! Let's leave. And go to bed without dinner,.. ..also because we couldn't find anything. - Since we're here, Don Filippo! - Yes? - Would you give me a quickie? - If I knew how... - I know how. - Now, he knows how. Shut up, won't you? There are two there. I'm taking the Turkish. Let's get some! - What are you saying? - Why are you hitting me? You? I hit the Devil! Look what a handsome young man. What's your name? - My name is... - His name is Satan. Come away! Away! Did you see? She moved back to the Cardinal's. Apparently she liked it there. - What are you doing? - Shut up! What! Is he crazy? When you are big, I'll give you a white horse like mine. Your Eminence? ! Yes? Who are you? What do you want? What did you do? ! Run away! Let's beat it! Ah... No, let me go! No, I don't want! No! They kidnapped Cirifischio. Didn't he understand? I did understand. Let's go to bed. Our Lady will not forsake us. - Have you said your prayers? - What do I care? Spiridione, go to sleep as well. (CELESTIAL MUSIC) I caught you, eh? Well done! But how did you understand it was me? Do you think Our Lady would appear to a sinner like me? Wow! (IMITATES HORSE) Beautiful family! Well... - Did you ask to see me? - Yes. Make yourself comfortable. - Please! - Thank you. I heard you kidnapped one of the boys of the oratory. Ah, is he one of yours? And whose could he be? I am very glad. You are really a great educator. - Alas... - Sit down! I'll be forced to tell the Holy Father. You must forgive him, he's lively. Lively... He almost killed me. But I came to ask you the grace to set him free. You know that who attacks a priest, according to Canon Law,.. I do, but you must not stick to such a rigid interpretation. Ah, well said. Well said! You preach really well. I'll be forced to tell the Holy Father. Our Sovereign, Paul IV, is a very moralistic man,.. ..strict. It's true. But what do you want to do, hang him? - Try to stop me. - I? And how could I, Your Eminence? Your are master. And who is this handsome lad? What's your name? - This is Leo. - Leo! - It's a rather shortened name. - Indeed. It comes from Leone. Ah, then! Leone... It's still rather short. Indeed it comes from Leonetto. And Leonetto is busy. Leonetto, Leonetto... But do you remember the unhappy times of the Borgias,.. ..when cardinals had pages who were girls in disguise? - So? - So? I was saying that at that time,.. ..Leonetto would surely have been Leonetta. - Yes, but he is Leonetto. - Leonetto, Leonetto... Truly Leonetta sounds better. It's prettier in the feminine. Alright, but if he is a male.. Exactly, I say. Why, what did I say? No, no. I don't want to come! Let me go! No! Your Eminence, the police are here. Shall I deliver him to the Law? - Absolutely. - Careful, Your Excellency. Paul IV has no indulgence for human weakness. Because, according to you, breaking people's heads is human weakness. But I didn't mean his weakness, but yours... Mine? What's my weakness? Ah, I don't know. I don't know you. We should ask him. - Why him? - Because he knows you better. He's always next to you. And sometimes these pages,.. ..know much more of what they don't say. Oh, yes? And sometimes they do say. Leone', what are you waiting for? Speak! But I've already told. And I'll be forced to tell the Holy Father. Alright, but what shall I say to the police? Shall I give them the prisoner? Give them what? ! Give them this boor! - May they both go to Hell! - All three. What, all three? So, single handedly, we take also him away. - And where? - What does it matter? But... - Are you taking him away? - Did you think I'd leave her with you? I'll never take it off. Father Ignatius! Father Ignatius! Father Ignatius! Pss! Hey, Fath... Answer! You scared me! Captain Jesus doesn't stay up there, he stays down here with flag in hand. Always down here with flag in hand. Jesus, my captain! He commands saints and soldiers and catches all the... ..devils red-handed. Jesus, my commander! Captain Jesus doesn't stay up there, but stays down here to fight with evil. Always down here to fight with evil,.. ..Jesus, my general! He chases from the den the Lutheran scum.. ..and the Jewish people. Jesus, my marshal! Captain Jesus doesn't stay up there, he stays down here to fight with evil. I bringing back a sheep that you lost. Blessed be he who comes in the name of the Lord. Leonetta! - I'll help you run away. - You promise. What are you reading? - The Imitation of Christ. - Ah! Thomas a Kempis is fundamental. A text I recommend to all. I must have read it at least twenty times, always in one shot. - I haven't, unfortunately, yet. - What, not yet? Well, no... I don't have time. But, when did it come out? - At least two centuries ago. - Ah, that's why. Of course you must have read Erasmus of Rotterdam's latest book. I read it in one shot. - And you did wrong. - I knew that. Erasmus writes too well. Too much elegance chills devotion. I just read only 20 pages and I threw it out. - How? - Out of the window. Ah! Now that you told me... - And the Spiritual Exercises? - Eh? - Don't tell me that you read it. - No, my goodness! I didn't even open it. I took it and threw it away. - And you did right. - See? I wrote it. - No! - Yes, yes. Be patient with me. You must forgive me,.. ..but I am an ignorant priest and a liar. You are ignorant, but you are not a liar. You just wanted to please me. Anyway, I'll give you a copy of the Spiritual Exercises. Thus you'll be forced to read it. As a penance. Well, you are not soft, my Fr. Ignatius. Hey you, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in church, like all the others? Little boys go to church. I'm big. Oh, yes. That's true. Sorry. - They are doing the 40 hour devotion. - What's that? A little thing invented by Don Filippo. All pray continuously for forty hours,.. ..without eating or sleeping. Now they're praying for the Pope. What? They pray continuously for forty hours for Paul IV? Don Filippo says it won't even be enough. He's right. By the way, that Land of Plenty you told me about, does it really exist? - Darn me, if it's not true! - And where is it? At Bellinzona, in the land of the Basques! In a region they call "Enjoyment". the true Land of Plenty,.. ..where he who sleeps most, earns most! Where vines are tied with branches of sausages,.. ..and where rivers of vernaccia and moscatello wine.. ..flow through villages paved with cheese of Piacenza. Darn...! And the roofs are made of lasagna and macaroni as in a mosaic. the walls are made of pastry of Genoa and hard mints. Jujubes, arbutus berries.. ..whitened with ricotta. (WAILS) Master Iacomo, when are we leaving? And Leonetta? - Did you forget Leonetta? - No. Remember, you promised her. First, we must snatch her from the hands of the Jesuits. Praise always the Providence of the Lord. Martin Luther is born out of the bane of mankind. The plague of heresy infests Christianity. The Turk wins in Hungary,.. ..and the Christian kingdoms of Rhodes, Cyprus, La Goletta and Tripoli of Barbary.. ..fall under the hands of the monstrous sect of Mohammed, the false prophet. But, at the same time,.. ..the Lord reserves for us the discovery of many new kingdoms. Of immense seas and diverse lands without number. Congo, Malacca, Ethiopia, China, Brazil, Japan,.. ..it shows the truth of a popular saying:.. .."a door is closed and a main gate is opened". And today a golden main gate is opened to India,.. ..to extend the glory of the Lord, and convert the savages.. ..and extend the boundaries of the Christian kingdom.. ..confined within its limits by the strength of the Moors and the poison of heresy. For this, we bid farewell to Fr. Francis Xavier,.. ..about to leave for India,.. ..where he will teach the Holy Gospel. Here I am, Father. I am ready. You too, dear brother, are going to teach the Gospel to the Indians? No, to the people of the Congo. Ah! Well, well. If however, when you leave, you should exit through St. John's Gate,.. ..stop one moment and look around. You will notice that Congo begins right at the Aurelian Walls. What do you mean? It would help if somebody stayed in Rome.. ..to teach the Gospel to the Romans. Dear Don Filippo, how can I help you? Since today is visiting day for parents,.. ..I came to ask news about Leonetta. - Why, are you her father? - No, I say... Since we don't know her father while her mother... Well, somebody must take care of this. If I'm bothering you, I'll come another time. Call Leonetta! By the way, have you read the Spiritual Exercises? Alas, I didn't have a minute to spare. Go, Cirifischio! - But where are you taking me? - Sh! - Leonetta! - Cirifischio! Do as I told you, go! What are you doing? Do you know what a convent violator faces? Yes, I do. He faces dismemberment and the stake. And the scattering of ashes in the gutter! That's why I brought the boy. Go! Catch them! Move! But who are you? You have an efficient organization. We are a combat unit. We are Christ's team against Satan's crew. We are soldiers! I was Charles V's soldier before being Christ's. This leg was busted during the siege of Pamplona. Wait. Can I help you? Is it still painful? I cry when the weather changes. Don't mention it. - What do you have? - Two broken ribs. I fell as a dead body on St. Sebastian's altar when I was called. Whose? I say, when I had my calling. But they reattached themselves badly, all crooked... Are you telling me? Three times, I broke my leg with a hammer. - The bones knitted worse every time. - I prefer to keep them this way. Should I have had my breast hammered? I was healed through St. Paul's intercession. I preferred not to bother anyone. I saw Our Lady. Where? - I saw her three times. - Wow! Once in Spain, another in Jerusalem,.. ..and once in Italy, near Padua. Even in Italy? Then I understood that God broke my leg to heal me. Good. - Do you often eat bread and water? - Always. That's why you see Our Lady. Hunger gives you hallucinations. But I see other things too. Such as? I see Leonetta running away with one of your boys. The little, dark one. You have the gift of clairvoyance, how can you do that? If you turn, you'll see them too. Cirifischio! Excellency, God protect us! Such things are happening. Hey! And the Devil could not miss this! How did you understand that he is the Devil? If I don't know him... Let's go! - Do you know what happens to Cirifischio, if we catch him? - Yes, I do! - Hurry up! You walk at snail's pace! - I'd rather see you walking with my leg! Excuse me, may I? - Fr. Ignatius! - Eh? You, deal with the children. I'll be back to you soon. Oh, oh... No! Not that, Don Filippo! No, eh! No! No! Go away! Go away! No, go away! No Holy Water! - No Holy Water! - Oh yes! (GASPING) (SEETHING) Good night, Master Iacomo. - Let me go! - Don't move! Stop! Let them go. (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC) Lovely! They look like two birdies in a nest. What shall we do about them? Birdies fly, let them fly. All is vanity, only vanity Praise the Lord with humility! .. ..give Him all your love and you shall lack nothing. All is vanity, only vanity live with joy and simplicity! .. ..be good, if you can... all the rest is vanity. Oh, what a beautiful castle tra-la-la Oh, what a beautiful castle tra-la-la Run! Don't pull! What's that, a rooster? What does it have under its throat? What's that, a big bird? - Don Filippo, what kind of beast is that? - It's a griffin bird. It must be a basilisk. - You jerk, they don't exist. - Don Filippo, what's that? What? This is an Indian rooster. It's called also turkey. Do you know who gave it to us? Fr. Ignatius. - The missionaries from Brazil brought it. - Is it ferocious? - It's good with potatoes. - With what? - Potatoes. - What's that? Other things that come from America like tobacco and tomatoes. - What's America? - Alright, enough! - Then we can eat it. - Can't you see it started to cry? Of course, it heard that it had to die. Come, I'll kill it. I'll choke it with my hand. - Quiet, Maria! - I can do it! When I was little I killed a cat. Here comes Bloody Mary. Don Filippo! No problem, if you wish I'll kill it. No, thank you. Don't bother. Let's go. - What did she want to do? - She wanted to kill it herself. What! No, no... Let's go now. - Are they going to eat it all? ! - They'll leave something for us. (FOOTSTEPS) Here are the pigeons. You've become so beautiful, Leonetta. Yes, like the bottom of a frying-pan. He is handsome. I know you're getting engaged today. Yes. And then I'll also have to find a job. Today it's St. John's Eve. Salome's ghost wanders around Lateran Square.. ..looking for the Baptist's head. - Are you going too? - To look for the Baptist's head? No, no. After, to the party. Everybody is going. Witches, wizards, demons... Everyone. We have guests for dinner. Indeed. They're respectable people, Church people. Actually, I'd better go help Don Filippo in the kitchen, it's already late. Bye! (DISTANT WAILS) - Somebody's crying. - Where? Inside there. - It's the fire. - With that kind of voice? Sure! It's its voice. The fire speaks, has a human voice, sort of tormented. (WAILS) They sound like the voices of damned souls. Such gloomy thoughts from a boy about to get married! Have you thought of something to give to Leonetta? And what can I give her, since I'm penniless? Take the sack full of coal, and carry it to the farrier of Tordinona. You'll get a nice surprise. - Is this it? - Yes. - Shall I go? - Go! Boss, I brought you the sack, the old woman sends it to you. - What old woman? - The broom maker. Look who is here! Do you remember me? They told me you are about to marry Leonetta. Alright, I brought it anyway. Can you see? I still have the scar you inflicted on me. Scars remain. I know, but not only those made with stones. Leonetta also still has the scar that I inflicted on her. (LAUGHS) Dark boy... Cool down. So we are even. And with this I'm still in the lead! This is Fr. Francis Xavier,.. ..who's just returned from India. Please come in. And this is Fr. Ignatius, who has always been with us. Always cheerful. Have you read the Spiritual Exercises? - Give me some time. - Even more? These are Theresa of Avila and John of the Cross. Please, come in. They are the founders of the Discalced Carmelites. - But why are they wearing shoes? - Why is none of your business. What do you care? Cardinal Charles Borromeo is coming. And since he's from Milan, don't show your bad manners right away! Your Eminence! What are... He tripped. Please, you shouldn't do this in front of a poor priest. It's also a matter of hierarchy. Indeed it's a matter of hierarchy. I'm your superior in dignity, you're my superior in holiness. Don Filippo, come here. Excuse me for a moment. Do you allow them to put paper boats in the Holy Water? That's bad. It's bad that you sank them. I'll have to build them again. These are my little children. We live here. We pray, sing. We do some good, all together. Boys and girls in promiscuity? The Lord made us in promiscuity, there are men and women. And faggots too! What did he say? He doesn't know a thing. It's just... Indeed there are... Are we paying attention to Sciaboletta? He's demented, Reverend Mother. By the way, Fr. Ignatius, if you act as witness at Leonetta's wedding,.. ..what do you and I become? I don't know. We become... comrades? - Why, are you the girl's Father? - No! How can you say that? (grumpy) Then we don't become anything. Don't get angry. That's too bad. Did you want to become my comrade? No, no. My goodness. That's too bad. Don Filippo, why is Cirifischio so late? I don't know. He'll come. In the mean time, will you sit down? Please! Leonetta, don't worry, he'll come. Soon, the turkey too will soon be coming. We asked the inn to cook it for us,.. ..because we are not equipped for tortures. In the mean time, ladies and gentlemen, would you enjoy, I don't know,.. ..a hymn, a short sermon, a saint's life, I.. On a dark night, Kindled in love with yearnings... oh, happy chance! I went forth without being observed, My house being now at rest. He's a mystic. Ah, that's why. But today is St. John's Feast. Good! Then, Sciaboletta will tell us about St. John's life. - But why me? - Why do you ask? He knows all the Golden Legend. Whichever saint you ask about, he knows his life, death, and miracles. Spiridione, stop for a second. Let him speak. First, there are three St. Johns. St. John the Baptist, St. John the Evangelist.. ..and St. John at the Lateran. Yes, and St. John at the Latin Gate! Go! They are much better with singing. Isn't it, Spiridione? Play, that's better. Let us hear something. Would you like us to sing "Jesus who are there above"? - Jesus is not there above! - Ah, no? Jesus is not there above! But why? Do you think that Jesus is sitting in heaven with nothing to do? To radiate glory in a multitude of angels and saints? And where is he? Jesus is in the fight. Down on Earth! Don Filippo told us he was in heaven. Shut up... - Is that what you told them? - Actually, that's what I knew. Also because of the Our Father. (CHILDREN CHEER) - Do you know at least where he went? - I don't know, but he'll come. Silence! Fr. Francis Xavier begs you to be silent! Thank you. Before eating this beast coming from Brazil,.. ..I'd like to think of our missionary brethren.. ..who, in Brazil, are being eaten by the cannibals of the Caribbeans. Let me see you. - Is she crying for the missionaries? - No, she's crying for the turkey. She has exquisite feelings. Cirifischio! I killed the Duke of Caprarola. - I have to run away. - I'm coming with you. And where? I don't know where I'm going. And now.. ..not even all you together can save me. Don Filippo,.. ..take care of Leonetta. But... And I? - I have to go. - No. (WAILS IN THE DISTANCE) What! Have you gone crazy? No, eh! Now I'm going to tell you. Not the fire! Not the fire! - Go into the fire! - No way I'll be burned at the stake. Where are you going? Stop acting, you are not afraid of the fire. What do you think I am? Joan of Arc? - Come here! - No! - Help! - Stop! - Help! - Stop! I'm going to catch you, you know? Stop! Is that so? This is for you! Ah, so you don't only receive it... When you can, if you get a chance, you return it. This is life, my son. It's all debit and credit. A shitty one. For lack of better, let's content ourselves with what we have. Well done! Let's go! Pass! Shoot! Shoot! Here! Keep him! Another point! I can't believe it! Pass! Too bad! Give me the ball, I'm going mad! Why are your kicking it at his eyes? Dear Fr. Ignatius,.. ..I need to exercise more. But not like that! - By the way... - Yes? Once I gave you the Spiritual Exercises. Have you read it? - Give me some time. - Time? I gave them to you before Fr. Francis Xavier went to India. He stayed there for ages, came back and went to Japan. Now he's in China, or where God knows. And you didn't have the time to read a book so thin? It's just that... (VOICES) Excuse me! Yours are winning, Fr. Ignatius. They scored another one. I ordered them to. - How come, do they obey you in this too? - Always. But following orders is not enough. That's imperfect obedience, of first degree. - Why? Is there a second degree of obedience? - Of course. When one identifies with his superior's will. Then he also feels pleasure in obedience. - And that's perfect. - No. As you said. Only third degree obedience is perfect. When one not only wills but thinks as the superior. - Ah, when opinions are identical. - No. Of course. When one does not belong to himself anymore but to his superior,.. ..as a stick in the hand, with no will nor intellect. As a dead man. Very good! That's how we say it,.. ..as a corpse! - You understood everything. - In a way... - Would you like to become a Jesuit? - I really don't think so. Pass! Take it! Go! Go! Go! Ball! We're on the comeback! A point? Almost. Why are you looking at me like that? They'll make you a saint! What are you doing? Are you tempting me with vainglory? No, I'm giving you good inspiration to hope. In these days, there's quite a bunch on the street. Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Francis Xavier, Charles Borromeo... - And so? - They will all be made saints. Listen how well it sounds. St. Theresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross,.. ..St. Francis Xavier, St. Charles Borromeo. St. Philip Neri. No... - This doesn't sound right. - It does. Does only what you like sound right? (VOICES) Shoot! Go! Go! Here! Guicciardetto, stop! Give him his hat back. - I told you to give him his hat back! - Alright, here it is. Can't you ever be serious? Are you? Are you serious? Come on, stand up! Scared? Let's fly, come! Fly... fly... I saw a big horse! Let's go and talk to him! Is it you, big horse? He's talking. Pet him! Sh! Come here and kick it! Come here! Kick it! No. Great! He broke his big toe. Be good... if you can. (CHILD COMPLAINS) Let's go to the Beautiful Black Woman's! (VOICES OF CHILDREN) - Let's go to the Beautiful Black Woman's! - Yes, and eat the cakes! - The last one is a piece of shit! - The first one will be eating it! Take. - Do the Moors have the Tiber? - Are savage women all beautiful like you? - Is she baptized or damned? - Do you have the Pope in Turkey? Are the children in your country as small as we are? - Is Our Lady present in your country? - How much bullshit do you want to know? Do boys have a penis or a vagina? Is your country black even during the day? I think that the Black Woman likes Ricciardetto. Eat, what do you care? It's all free! Come. For you, I have a surprise. Come. Come, this is smoked, as you like it. There is honey from bees of Moorland. - And how are the bees in Moorland? - As big as this. They have wings like butterflies. Yellow, white, red... And carry on the back beautiful naked little girls,.. ..with long flowing hair. - Would you like to come? - Where is Moorland? In the kingdom of Prester John, beyond Persia and Armenia,.. ..in the land of the Indians,.. ..who are the black Saracens, also known as Ethiopians. I knew you were there, you ugly boy! We've been looking for you all day with the police. Oh! Stop him! I'm going to catch you, you know? - Do you want to kill him? - Eh, no, Don Filippo! You need to stop picking up the worst criminals from the street,.. ..wranglers and stone throwers and making them friends with Ricciardetto,.. ..who since he met you walks around so dirty that I can't recognize him. - Is he a prince, according to you? - What do I know? He's a prince! I don't understand. - You quarrel with me and hit him? - Do you think I can hit you? I understand you, as a prince, wouldn't dirty your hands,.. ..but if you need grave provocation, I,.. ..as you say in Rome, will call your dead. What do I care? Shall I call on them? Curse your dead! No, eh? It didn't come out right. Tell me, Don Filippo, is it difficult to become as crazy as you? You are born one. We are all born crazy. Unfortunately, when you grow up, the brain and reason develop. Not for all. The most important thing is to mortify reason. For he who reasons doesn't love anyone. So, if I understand you right, you teach these kids.. - ..to be jerks. - No, no. One thing is to mortify reason, another to be a jerk. - Give me an example. - Look at you, for example. You don't mortify reason. Did you hear how he's treating me? He called his dad a jerk. At you! What? ! You are mad with me and hit him? But I can't hit you! Are you sure? Have you heard that too? - Father have told us right away. - Oh, yes. So I hit you. Let's go. Come. Let's do that thing... How do you say? One, mount... How is it? - Go! - One, mount the moon! Two, the ox! Can't you see my leg? I can't. How's number two? Jump! I remember number three, the king's daughter! (MUSIC AND CELEBRATION) What are you doing in here? This place is closed. - But I heard voices. - What voices? I thought there was a party. People dancing,.. ..singing... How was that? Ah! Tuba Catuba. No. You heard the fire. The fire has a human voice. Joyful. (WAILS) Master Iacomo used to say that. And also the old woman who was here before you. - I don't know them. - But you should. - Where are you from? - From a far away country. - Is it hot there? - Yes. Then I understand. It's hot here too, though. I'm sitting down because I'm... short of breath. - Are you sick? - No, just want to take a breath. Oh, God... Is it better now? It's worse. I have to go. You're scared, aren't you? Who do you think I am, an altar boy? Temptation is not there, but here. You insist, don't you? Take this! No! Stop! - Don't hit me! - Stop one second! Now I'm going to tempt you! Ah! Take this! Enough? No! Hit me! Are you crazy? It acts the opposite on her! Wait! Let me go! - Stay with me! - Let me go, I lost my shoe. - I won't hurt you! - Let me go! Stay with me, I won't hurt you. Hit me! What's this? Go away! Go away! Take that! Take that! In the war of senses, who runs away wins. Take that! - Don Filippo, it's you. - Who is it? There's a nun at St. Crysogonus's, who's been doing miracles. the Holy Father kindly asks you to have a look there. - Why I? - Because you're an expert in this. Go and report. - Definitely, Your Eminence. - Well said. (MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) Hey! - Yes? - Can't you see the miracle? - Ah, the miracle! - The miracle! - What do I have to do? - Let's go. She's doing a miracle. Wait, she'll do the miracle now! - Unbelievable! - What? Haven't you seen? The grace! He doesn't have leprosy any more. She's really good. Are you pulling my leg? Excuse me, may I have a word with you? What's the matter? I'm very tired. So am I. I have come from St. Jerome's and walked the whole way. Holes, puddles, you wouldn't believe the condition of the roads. - Could you take my shoes off? - What? I was asking, if you could kindly lend a hand. How dare you, sir? I am God's servant not yours! That's what I wanted to hear. And so? And so with so much pride and so little humility,.. ..it's really hard that one could do miracles. She won't do them any more. If Your Holiness says so who sees far. You say so, who have the gift of foresight? - And say you, who are like the human Sybill? - I? Some time ago, you were by a window, and suddenly turned.. ..and said "It's noon, let the bells ring. At this moment, the Christian fleet won at Lepanto against the Turks". And ten days went by before the news came to Rome. Exactly. And who told you so? An intuition... From then on the bells of all the churches.. ..always rang at noon to remember the victory.. ..Christendom saved from the threat of the Crescent Moon. Therefore His Holiness Pius V sees very far. Very far... Don't exaggerate. Then let's say you say far. Let's say we both see far. Exactly. We both see. Indeed. - How do you see it? - What? Now... for the future. I? - No! - Oh, yes! Wow! - So do I. - No! Oh, yes. Can't we hear that too? Well, that would spoil the surprise. You'll all find out. (MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE) Don Filippo! What's this, a new way to greet? Leonetta! I didn't recognize you. Let me see you! Think of that! Dear Don Filippo... So much time has passed... Come. Do you remember when I didn't want to study in a convent for 7 years? It's now 12 years I've been cloistered. And it feels like one day. But that's Spiridione! Eh, no... Spiridione! Do you remember Leonetta? - Hey, do you remember her or not? - Not much. He's already senile. He's younger than me and can't remember a thing. Just think that last night he woke up to pee... Pray for Cirifischio! Are you still thinking of him? And how can I forget him? - They even set a price on his head. - I know. Now, Cirifischio has become a famous brigand. I pray for him every night, before I close my eyes. And every morning when I open them. Do you think it's enough? Come. Let's do the 40 Hours. Let's pray for Cirifischio for 40 continuous hours. - Will you? - As for me, even eighty. Are you enraptured? Mount the horse! I want to do the 7 churches tour with Don Filippo! The 7 churches tour! I'm going to punch you 7 times! Mount the horse! Ugh! The 7 churches tour! Mount the hor...! Where are you going? Come back! You'll find out! Go, but tonight I'll pull off your head! And I won't come back! Good day, Little Prince. - Why are you here? - I came to look for you. - Would like to take a stroll with me? - Yes. See? My country is there. Come down. Let's go. - Are you tired? - A little. Are you sleepy? - My mother never hugged me. - I know. Come, come, beautiful child to the lady of the castle. Lully, Lullay. (BACKGROUND MUSIC) Five white hens fly.. ..in front of my castle.. and three black, shiny crows but sleep, handsome prince. [in Greek] Sun, wind, death. But sleep now, my handsome son. The sweet, warm Black Woman will lull you at the beginning of a beautiful dream. - Boys, out. - Let them pass. They were his little friends. Go to the back. They loved him. Is that true that you loved my Ricciardetto? Don Filippo! (CHILDREN SAY THE OUR FATHER) If I think that I hit him with this hand,.. ..I'd put it under a mill stone. Couldn't I have hit you? You even asked me that as a favor. - How did it happen? - Who knows? You know how boys are. We found him on the sea shore with his backbone broken. Poor child of mine! His mother dies in giving him birth.. ..and he doesn't live to be 15. (BACKGROUND MUSIC) I forgot to tell you a sin I did with the Beautiful Black Woman. - It's as if you already told me. - I was having a nice dream,.. ..my mother was holding me in her arms. Then sleep and you'll find her. How good it feels! May you be blessed. Pray for all of us. Open, whore! What manners! Who taught you? - You, Don Filippo. - Ah, that's why. - Open, Beautiful Black Woman! - Can't you see it's already open? Silence! Silence! - What's this? Shit? - It's the Devil's flour! Easy... (LAMENTS) Those are the souls in pain. (LOUD LAMENTS) - The Beautiful Black Woman! - How beautiful she is! The Black Woman! Doesn't she burn? Come and get me! - Extinguish the fire! - How? Shall I give a bad example? - What shall we do? - Now we'll see. You three, away! Keep away. It's light, I can do it alone. Did you see? Help me! Hold there! Up! Jump on! Come here, you! Alright! Come! Piss! Piss! Piss! We want to piss too! Piss! Piss! Piss! - We too! - No, you can't! Why? Because for you it's harder. I can't find it! Oh, careful where you piss! I think we must have drowned her. - So? - Are you Don Filippo Neri? It depends. What do you want? It's a message for you from Cirifischio. Then it's I. How is he doing? What's he doing? He says that he's tired of being in hiding. He would like to repent.. ..and come back and live among civilized people. You see, after a long road... Thank you, Lord. Couldn't he come himself? He's waiting for you at the ruins of St. Mary of the Column. I have a Baptism there tonight. Exactly. Cirifischio will be there too. (LAMENTS) Blow. - Why? - So you give it a soul. Try! - No. - No, eh? You never give up. Curse your dead... - Who is he? - What do I know? They say he's a saint. He looks a little crazy to me. (LAMENTS) Let's imagine a crazy man meets another crazy man. When two crazy men meet something always happens. No. Better this way. No, no better that way. Who is it! ? Good gracious. Please, I'm penniless, I'm the son of a mother... - Don't rob me! - Ah, you're drunk. - Aren't you a brigand? - But if I can hardly stand! Don't fall on me. You are a friar. A religious, thanks be to God! Do excuse me. No, excuse me, but I... Where are you taking me? I need to go that way. And now let's go this way and entertain each other. O brother, I don't know you. I know but, walking alone in Rome by night makes one shit in his pants,.. - ..with due respect. - Why? You ask why? Thieves, brigands, killers, hirelings of terror... But if you are so scared, why don't you stay home? I have to go. I'm a searching friar. Oh, yes? What are you searching for? I search. And where I search, I search well. I'm leaning. Yes, but let's be careful, we are going downhill. But why are you wandering by night? I have a Baptism. Under cover of darkness? And whom are you baptizing, Beelzebub? God fearing people, who don't go around by day,.. ..who are always afraid of meeting someone bad. - By day? - They might meet Pope Sixtus,.. ..who wouldn't forgive even Christ! Brother, I need to go. Find yourself someone else to lean on and good bye. Wait! You made me curious. I'll follow you, if you please. As you prefer. Anyway, I search. And where you search, search well. - Have I told you already? - Yes. Alright... Orsini! - Who are you? - Colonna. - Somebody's coming, let's go! - Move! And what is this? - Christ, Jesus, Mary, they killed him! - Indeed. Stop there! Show yourself! Boy! Did you kill him? How? We are priests how can we kill people? - You wouldn't be the first wicked priests. - We didn't do it. Brother, let's go. Let's not get involved. One moment! - Have we met before? - No, I really don't think so. - Yet you're not a new face. - In fact it's old. Don't stare at me. Officer... Have you finished questioning? Your Holiness! All clear, you may go! Come behind us, as quiet as cats. Let's follow them, quiet as cats. Do you remember when there was a brothel here? No, I wasn't a customer. How about you,.. ..did you go there? Who doesn't go to Hell when he's alive, goes there when he's dead. Sounds right to me. In the old days, they would celebrate solemn funerals for whores,.. ..and the complete Sacred College took part. Now, they are forbidden to walk down main street,.. ..to take a cab, and to go out after the Ave Maria prayer. We always exaggerate here. (WOMAN CRIES) Help! Help! Let me go! Help! Help! Punks! Criminals! According to you, hanging them would be an exaggeration? Don Filippo: How do you say in Rome? While a thief is being hanged, another one steals the executioner's blanket. I think that some faults should be derubricated, as sins. Really? Man is a small thing. He can't make it. That's why I always say: "be good, if you can". Because if you can't, there's nothing I can do. Man must be taught self-confidence! What are you doing? Are you preaching to me? No, I'm sorry. It's just... Sometimes...